Working Mother: Balancing Childcare and Career

Working Mother How to Balance Childcare and Career Dr. Stavia Blunt SUMMERSDALE Copyright © Dr. Stavia Blunt 1999 Al...

Author: Stavia Blunt

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Working Mother How to Balance Childcare and Career

Dr. Stavia Blunt

SUMMERSDALE

Copyright © Dr. Stavia Blunt 1999 All rights reserved. The right of Stavia Blunt to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act of 1988. No part of this book may be reproduced by any means, nor translated into a machine language, without the written permission of the publisher. Summersdale Publishers Ltd 46 West Street Chichester West Sussex PO19 1RP United Kingdom Printed and bound in Great Britain by Creative Print & Design, Wales. ISBN 1 84024 060 1 The information given in this book was assumed to be correct at the time of going to press. The publishers accept no responsibilty for any actions or consequences arising either from the use or misuse of this book.

To George, Peter and Elly

BY THE SAME AUTHOR:

‘SHAPING UP DURING AND AFTER PREGNANCY’

Introduction

CONTENTS Introduction.....................................................................................7 1. Being Aware of What Having a Baby Involves.............................10 2. What Does it Mean to be a Modern Working Mother?...............23 3. My Experience of Being a Working Mother.................................38 4. Work and Motherhood................................................................70 5. Work, Pregnancy and Maternity Rights........................................95 6. Childcare for the Under 5s..........................................................122 – Nannies and Mother’s Helps..............................................138 – Au pairs...............................................................................159 – Childminders......................................................................161 – Day Nurseries and Crèches................................................170 – Nursery Schools and Playgroups........................................174 7. Childcare for School Age Children.............................................176 8. Working and Family Life..............................................................191 9. The Single Mother.......................................................................210 10. Difficulties, Doubts and Dilemmas............................................218 Conclusion.......................................................................................237 Useful Addresses/Further Reading..................................................239

Working Mother

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Introduction

INTRODUCTION Every mother works. The nature of the work involves all that comes with raising a family and running a household. An increasingly common situation for the modern woman, though, is one where the mother works not only in the home, but also in areas other than those immediately relating to her family. Having a family alone involves a major investment of time and energy. Simultaneously holding down a job and working as a parent puts an even greater strain on the mother. This book is concerned with the situation that these working mothers find themselves in. Every working mother’s situation will be unique, as will her views on what she wants and what she thinks is best for her family. However, there are certain fundamental issues, problems and dilemmas that are common to all working mothers and their families. This book is an attempt to equip the working mother and her partner with practical information and advice for the numerous different situations that may arise. Many potential problems and pitfalls of being a working mother can be avoided if you know in advance what to expect and what the possibilities are. I hope that this book will serve as a valuable source of information about all aspects of the working mother’s position. This is not a book about the rights or wrongs of being a working mother, although different perspectives of this subject are touched upon. My aim is to provide the working mother and her partner and family with information, ideas and inspiration about how to

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Working Mother

combine work and family life and how to make the best of that combination, whatever their particular circumstances may be. From the beginning, like most mothers, I had doubts and dilemmas about whether I was doing the right thing in trying to combine a career with raising a family. I was also struck by the lack of information and advice about how it might work. My experience has been very much a ‘do-it-yourself’ approach that inevitably entailed learning by my own mistakes. Knowing all that I do now, there are several things that I would have done differently, had I had access to this information at the time. Since the birth of my first child, eight years ago, I have become increasingly conscious that if working mothers were more aware of the possibilities and choices available to them from the outset, they would be in a far better position to make a success both of their career and raising their families. The information contained in this book is largely derived from my own experiences (including my many mistakes), in combining a busy career as a hospital doctor with being a mother of two small children. I have also drawn on the achievements and mistakes of numerous working mothers and their partners, with whom I have shared experiences over the years. Many working mothers have contributed more directly in the case studies in this book, by providing outlines of how they have managed the combination of work and raising a family. It is this kind of experience – from those who have done it – that will be of most value to prospective working mothers and their partners. Whilst I focus on the mother throughout the book, I would emphasise at the outset that the father of any child has just as important and valuable a role to play in the upbringing of a child, and responsibility for their welfare. Maximum input from a father or father figure to the rearing of a child can be fulfilling and

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Introduction

rewarding for both parties, as well as being helpful to the mother. Whilst not all working mothers have partners, where they do, their role in making a success of the working mother situation cannot be overemphasised. Therefore, ideally I would like every woman who reads this book to give it to her partner to read as well. Of all parents who find themselves needing to combine work with raising a family, the most difficult situation by far is that of the single parent. Often these individuals find themselves in a position where they are forced – or would like – to return to work in order to improve the comfort, wellbeing and standard of living of their family. Whilst society is aware of these problems, the reality and extent of the difficulties are often not fully appreciated or addressed. My own urge to highlight the position of the single parent greatly increased after a chance encounter with two brave and impressive single mothers, whom I met on the programme The Time, The Place, discussing the issue of whether parents should allow someone else to look after their children. Jane Millar has kindly contributed her own story to the case histories in this book. Because of the particular difficulties they face, I have chosen to dedicate a chapter specifically to the lone parent. The rest of the book applies as much to the single parent as it does to mothers who do have the support of a partner. After reading this book, I hope that the reader – whatever your circumstances – will be better prepared for the challenges presented by combining work with raising a family. I hope that in being prepared for dealing with the natural strains of this combination and any unexpected problems, you will be in a better position to enjoy the benefits of continuing to work whilst raising a family.

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1 BEING AWARE OF WHAT HAVING A BABY INVOLVES Every woman who is thinking about starting a family – whether or not she works – would be wise to appreciate fully what having a baby means. Whilst there may be a very committed and involved father-to-be (who should also be as informed as possible), it is the mother who gets pregnant, carries the child, and gives birth. It is also still generally the mother who cares for the baby – at least in the early weeks of life. Nevertheless, once the baby is born, any child should be regarded as a shared responsibility between the parents and there is plenty that any partner can and should be encouraged to do. The fact that modern women are able to fit so much apart from having babies into their lives is a tribute to their organisational skills, advances in modern medicine and the changing attitudes of society. The safety of pregnancy and childbirth and the survival chances of the newborn baby are several times better than they were 50 years ago. But this should not allow us to be lulled into a false sense of security where reproduction is concerned. Nothing about reproduction should be taken for granted – even today.

Getting Pregnant Some pregnancies happen by accident and may or may not be welcome occurrences. Wherever possible, if only for the optimal outcome of pregnancy, it is best to plan pregnancy and to know at the earliest opportunity whether you are pregnant. With 10

Being Aware of What Having a Baby Involves

modern birth control this is usually possible. Nowadays, parentsto-be are almost invariably in a position to select when to start trying to begin a family. Increasingly, pregnancies are planned and timed carefully to fit in with particular stages in the parents’ lives and family circumstances. This ability to control our fertility does enable us to ask the question (and it is a particularly important one if the future mother works) ‘When is the best time to start a family?’ Obviously many factors should be taken into account when deciding the answer to this crucial question. These include: • The mother’s health. • How quickly you expect to be able to become pregnant. • The stability of the home. • The reliability of the mother’s partner and his attitudes to having a baby. • The age of the mother (and to a lesser degree the father too). • How many children you wish to have and with what age gaps. • The financial situation. • Stage in career (for both parents). • The extent of support from immediate or extended family. • The availability of childcare.

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Bear in mind, however, when weighing up the above factors that whilst you can choose when you wish to start trying to get pregnant (by stopping birth control for example), getting pregnant ‘on demand’ can rarely be guaranteed even in the most fertile years. For the woman who hopes to fit both pregnancy and childbirth into a tight working schedule, it is worth remembering that it is an often unpredictable biological rhythm that is the ultimate decider of whether you will get pregnant at a particular time.

Relying on getting pregnant within a very tight schedule can be precarious and disappointing. Therefore, do not plan too rigorously, leave more time than you would expect is needed, and do not leave it too late to start trying. Providing the Best Environment for your Child Having a baby is a tremendous responsibility. The environment you provide will have profound effects on how your child develops physically, emotionally and intellectually. Therefore, the decision to start a family should ideally be made at a time when the best possible environment can be provided for your child.

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Many factors contribute to a good environment, including: • Domestic stability. • Parental satisfaction and self-esteem. • A good relationship between the parents. • Financial stability. • Adequacy of childcare arrangements. • Parental physical wellbeing i.e. good health. • Parental mental wellbeing i.e. freedom from stress, fatigue and guilt. • The ability to clearly demonstrate love, care and affection for the child. How being a working mother can actually benefit your child’s environment Whilst there is much to be said for the environment provided by a loving and committed mother who stays at home to look after her children, it is not always the best situation in the longrun. A mother who feels fulfilled – because she spends time pursuing a career, as well as loving and caring for her child – may provide a better and more contented environment than a mother who grudgingly gives up work - because this is what she has been told is best for the baby - so that she can tend to her newborn baby’s dirty nappies. The quality of the care that the working 13

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mother ensures in her absence is, of course, hugely important. However, if the right person or situation is established, the arrangement can actually be a bonus, with the child benefiting from the energies and interests of other adult(s) apart from his/ her parents.

Pregnancy, Birth and Breast-feeding Pregnancy Being pregnant produces massive changes to a woman’s body. I certainly found them hard to believe as they developed in me – and I knew what to expect having seen them in other women during my work as a doctor. These changes can be wonderful, but they can also be cumbersome and a hindrance, especially when you are trying to carry on with a job.

Be aware of what being pregnant means before you embark on the idea of combining pregnancy with your work. Normal changes that occur with pregnancy mean: • You increase in size and become more cumbersome. • You tire more easily and may be slower than usual. • You may become sleepier. • You may become more placid (this may or may not be an advantage for your work!).

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• Some women notice an alteration in their memory and ability to concentrate. • You sweat more. • You may faint. • You will have some or all of the ‘normal’ discomforts of pregnancy to contend with such as: – nausea – breast tenderness – urine frequency – indigestion – back ache – odd taste in mouth – food cravings – cramps – mood swings Changes during pregnancy also mean that: • You will need to be monitored at an antenatal clinic (requiring time off work). • You will need new clothes. • You may not be able to do certain types of work. • You simply cannot get as much done as you did before pregnancy. • You will need to spend some time resting.

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• You may have to cut out additional activities you used to enjoy before pregnancy. Unexpected things can happen during pregnancy Being pregnant can itself be problematic and may require you to put your pregnancy before everything else including your work – a position that many working mothers will not have encountered before. At the mildest extreme, you may simply become less effective at your job, although others may not notice. At the other extreme, you may develop unforeseen problems which require you to take time away from work or even to receive medical treatment. Similarly, babies may not arrive when expected (again potentially interrupting your work schedule).

All these possibilities should be borne in mind when planning how you will combine work and pregnancy. Working mothers should resist the urge to overcompensate at work There is a temptation for some working women – particularly those who are in demanding careers – to overcompensate at work for the fact that they are pregnant. The urge to demonstrate to colleagues and employers that the pregnancy is ‘not going to interfere with my work’ should be avoided if at all possible. Numerous studies have shown that excessive stress, excessive physical activity, inadequate rest, and even prolonged standing can reduce flow of blood to the placenta and have an adverse effect on the outcome of the pregnancy. When, during pregnancy, I had a small bleed during the early weeks of 16


pregnancy, and expressed my desire to keep on working despite my obstetrician’s advice to the contrary, he rightly reminded me that ‘This little human being growing inside you only has one chance, and he or she is more important than any job you will ever have.’ Pregnant women should avoid: • Excessive stress. • Excessive physical activity. • Inadequate rest. • Prolonged standing. Giving birth and the postnatal period Giving birth, especially to a first child, is an exhausting experience even if everything goes well. Unfortunately, there are sometimes problems with the mother or baby during or after delivery. These experiences can be traumatic and may take longer to recover from than you might expect or have planned for. The postnatal period is usually exhausting, and there is no let-up. Sometimes the exhilaration of having the baby is followed by mild depression after delivery, or more severe depression that may need treatment. Things to bear in mind about birth and the postnatal period: • Giving birth is emotionally and physically draining. • There may be difficulties during or after labour which may require specific treatment.

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• Postnatal fatigue and mood swings can be troublesome. • With a first baby everything is new and the parents are learning all the time. • Caring for a newborn baby is constant and exhausting. • Newborn babies can become ill. • Partners cope with and respond to a new addition to the family in different ways.

Breast-feeding There are many advantages to breast-feeding your new baby, and these apply particularly in the first three months of life. Breast milk is the best form of nutrition for your baby, containing the right balance of protein, water, sugar and carbohydrate; it also contains the ideal levels of vitamins, minerals and antibodies which help to protect the baby. Babies can digest breast milk more readily than bottle milk, and are less likely to suffer from constipation and wind when fed on breast milk. Breast-feeding also provides an intimate connection between mother and baby, and serves to strengthen the bond between them. Breast-feeding can be comforting and can help soothe the baby to sleep. However, there are disadvantages to breast-feeding, including the fact that it ties the mother down to feeding the baby (anyone can give the baby a bottle) and that it can be a difficult routine to break.

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If you are planning to breast-feed your baby there are a number of factors that need to be taken into consideration: • How long do you wish to continue breast-feeding? • Will you be able to carry on breast-feeding once you have started work? • Will you rush back to the house in the middle of the day to feed the baby? • Will you express milk and freeze it for someone else to give during the day? • How will working affect your milk production? • Will you aim to part breast-feed (e.g. early morning and evening/ night time)? Some Individual Cases: Susan

Art Psychotherapist

After taking the standard maternity leave, Susan returned to work continuing to breast-feed her baby. This proved to be very difficult as her hours of work varied.

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Working Mother

Vivienne

Registered Nurse

Deciding at the time to breast- and bottle-feed the baby, Vivienne’s sleep patterns were routinely interrupted and so she felt very tired most of the day. Sarah

Trade Union Officer

Sarah returned to work seven months after the birth of her first child. This allowed her to wean her child off the breast in readiness for the day care. Marie

Primary Liaison Nurse

Taking the advantage of extended maternity leave Marie stayed at home with her newborn daughter, now three and a half years old until she decided to cease breast-feeding. Melanie

Sales Assistant

Melanie was initially determined to continue breast-feeding her son after returning to work. After a couple of weeks attempting to juggle the demands of the customer with the demands of her baby, the arrangement proved impractical and she felt that she had to introduce bottle-feeding to compliment the breast.

All aspects of pregnancy, birth and breast-feeding need to be carefully considered when thinking about: • How much maternity leave you should take. • How fully you will work after formal maternity leave has ended.

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Changing Attitudes, Responsibilities and Priorities It is important to be aware that having a baby will bring enormous changes not only physically through pregnancy, childbirth and possible breast-feeding, but also mentally. Many preconceived, carefully planned notions of how you and your partner will cope, and how you will combine work with a new baby can fall by the wayside as pregnancy progresses, and particularly once the baby arrives. There is nothing like the ‘real thing’ to focus the mind on what it all means. Having a baby may: • Change the lives of parents in ways that no amount of planning or education can predict. • Alter your outlook on life (and on your career). • Alter the way in which you see your partner and yourself. • Alter your partner’s attitudes to what he considers to be your ‘right’ or ‘natural’ role and his own. • Change your interest in friends (and theirs in you – especially if all you can talk about is your new baby!). Babies require a lot of attention; they need to be looked after and nurtured and they are expensive. Babies’ needs also change as they grow. They need different kinds of stimulation and activities, and although rewarding, they become increasingly demanding as they grow into schoolchildren. Above all, children consume time.

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Sensibly managing your time, whether or not you are a working parent, is one of the most vital aspects of being an effective mother. ‘I lost all interest in my career when my first child was born, and abhorred the thought of leaving my baby in order to start work. Although I had always intended to return to work, when the time arrived I had very mixed feelings about doing so.’ (Sara)

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2 WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE A MODERN WORKING MOTHER? Responsibilities of the Mother When people think of a mother’s responsibilities they tend to think mainly and naturally of the nurture of her children. If only being a mother was so simple! It is all too easy (and sometimes convenient) for others to forget or take for granted the fact that being a mother usually involves a great deal more than caring for your child – vital as this is. Being a mother also involves a plethora of other activities, talents and duties which revolve around organising not only the children, but also the home, and often a husband or partner too. Such added responsibilities often include functioning as a wife, secretary, P.A., housekeeper, book-keeper, public relations officer, maid, gardener, handywoman, psychologist, agony aunt, as well as sometimes being expected to earn some money. It is still the mother who fulfils most of these functions in the majority of modern families, even where the mother works outside the home. In some cases the entry of women into the workforce has been accompanied by a more equal sharing of those responsibilities at home that traditionally fell to the mother. However, in many cases, the balance has been slow to change. Perhaps a reflection of this unfair distribution of work and responsibility is the recent study showing that on average men 23

Working Mother

who are married live longer than those who are not, whereas women who are not married live longer than those who are!

Providing a Good Environment for your Children The primary aim and role of a mother should be to provide her child/children with the best environment possible, so as to equip them with the best hope for their future. Children are precious, impressionable and vulnerable individuals who need to be nurtured and cared for. In order to be a good mother, it is important to appreciate that a child’s needs change with time and with different stages of their development. Nevertheless, certain needs are fundamental. One doesn’t need to be a child psychologist to recognise what these are: • Love and attention. • Patience. • Comfort and reassurance. • Security. • To learn from examples. • To be taught what is right and wrong and to develop an according set of values. • Education and stimulation. • Encouragement and help in building self-confidence and selfesteem. • To feel valued rather than resented. 24

What Does it Mean to be a Modern Working Mother?

• To know that there is someone special there for them when they are in need. Most importantly, children need to know that they are loved. Whether and how these needs are satisfied is vital because it will greatly influence the basic human characteristics that the child will develop – in other words, what sort of person the child will grow into. We would all like our children to grow into happy, confident, kind and well-adjusted adults, and it is these attributes that are nurtured by love. Maternal presence Through my own experience with my children, however, I have discovered that loving alone is not sufficient. In order for a child to thrive, he/she must spend enough time with those that love him or her. For mothers who work, there are always the questions of: • ‘How much time is enough?’ • ‘Can others substitute for the mother some of the time?’ These are both points over which I have agonised repeatedly. Every mother and every child are different: a child’s individual needs and how much a mother can give, will vary. What is important is finding a balance that is successful for both of you, so that the time you spend together is happy. A mother should not think or deceive herself into thinking, however, that she should or can fulfil all her child’s needs herself.

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Father’s time and presence Happy times with a parent are needed by all children and they do not only come from the mother. Fathers or partners can be just as good at providing ‘good quality’ parental time as a mother. With couples who are used to a very traditional family set-up, a childcaring role for the husband may seem foreign, and some men may refuse to change. Therefore, before making plans about working and having children, you would be wise to establish what your partner’s position is on these matters before you go too far! Input and help from other sources Traditionally, in many different societies and cultures, the onus of looking after children has not been the sole responsibility of the mother. Throughout history there have been other ‘significant adults’ who contribute to the raising of children. Often, older children within the same family have taken part too. Indeed, it is the norm in many African rural societies (where there is no family planning and where the woman is a major source of labour), for the mother to nurse her baby, carried in a sling on her back, until about the age of eight months. During this time the mother will be working in the fields, whilst any other children remain with older relatives or siblings. Needless to say, once the mother ceases breast-feeding (which has a contraceptive effect), she becomes pregnant again and once she gives birth to the next child (who needs breast-feeding), the baby is usurped from the sling and handed over to another carer. For a mother, realising and accepting that others (husband, grandparents, aunt, nanny, godparent, friend etc.) are perfectly able to provide childcare, is one of the most important steps to ensuring that you will be a successful working mother. Provided

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that ‘suitable others’ can be identified, their addition to the child’s world can only be beneficial. The important thing is that parents spend time with their child when they are able, and that they make the most of that time. Mothers who work so much that they spend very little time each week with their child, or for whom the time spent together is clouded by fatigue and irritability, may well find that the relationship is not as close as it is for those mothers who spend more time with their children. Indeed, if this is the case, the child may develop a warmer relationship with another carer, if he/she is lucky enough to have one who will act as such a substitute. Some mothers do not seem to mind this occurrence, being happy enough in the knowledge that their child is being well looked after. ‘It is certainly true that being a working mother can be very rewarding and in fact you may feel that you have the best of both worlds. But when things go even mildly awry it can be a little hard on the nerves. This is when you need a team of souls waiting in the wings to help you out of trouble. This team may consist of helpful friends and neighbours, or husbands with flexible working hours.’ (SM – Radiographer) Thinking about childcare Sometimes, even the traditional mother has to think about alternatives to looking after her child herself. This is obviously a major topic to consider for the working mother, and Chapters 6 and 7 are dedicated to this.

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Organising the Spheres of Your Life Good organisation of all aspects of a working mother’s life is the key to success. This normally involves being the main coordinator of the lives of your children and of events relating to the home. Allocation of responsibility for different tasks to members of the household is important – but it is nearly always left to the mother to check that things have actually been done. Organising the lives of your children In addition to the need simply to be looked after, children require a great deal of organising that someone has to see to. Here are just a few examples: • Children need clothes and special food at different ages. • Children may go to playgroups and activities or school. • Children are frequently ill. • Children need vaccinations and health check ups. • Children have birthday parties with things called ‘party bags’. • Children go to schools which may start and finish at different times. • Children have homework. • Children like to invite others to play and vice versa. 28


• Children need to be dressed, or chivvied to dress. • Children need to have their hair and teeth brushed. • Children and their clothes frequently get dirty. • Children need hair cuts. • Children ‘go spare’ if they don’t have their special cuddly toy or dummy. • Children may need packed lunches. • Children may experience problems at school which need to be detected and addressed. • Children need ferrying to parties, friend’s houses, music lessons, sport and other activities. • Children need their parents to be present at parent’s evenings and school functions. • Children want their parents to watch them in their school play. • Children ask lots of questions which need time for discussion. Whether or not she does these things herself, more often than not it is the mother who ends up taking responsibility for making sure that all these things are done. Organising the home Traditionally, and indeed even in the most ultra-modern working mother’s home, the job of organising the home and keeping

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track of what has been done and what is still undone, usually falls to the mother. Organising a home requires all of the following: • Tidying and cleaning. • Doing the shopping. • Washing and ironing. • Organising domestic services. • Paying the bills. The reason why many women find they are in charge of everything may relate to the fact that they are generally more observant! Let’s face it, despite the introduction of the New Man, and admittedly with a few exceptions, when it comes to domestic awareness men are generally hopeless. Even if your husband is keen to do the shopping (‘for you’), he will almost certainly not have noted that the toilet cleaning liquid or furniture polish has been finished. He may personally have poured out the last few flakes of cereal and binned the packet, but not registered that it needs to be replaced. Usually it is the mother who makes the shopping list and keeps a tab of what needs replacing, whether or not she does the shopping herself. My husband has always been most ‘helpful’ about the house, but I frequently find myself checking that he has done things correctly, or thanking him for doing jobs that I normally do, such as emptying the dishwasher! If your situation reaches the stage

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where your husband or partner awakes in the morning and opens his chest of drawers with the words ‘Darling, I don’t seem to have any socks’, then you can be quite sure the balance of responsibilities has gone badly wrong! Many partners are eager to help if they are made aware that help is needed. A working mother cannot afford to be a martyr. Organising your partner Many women find themselves organising their partner in the same way as they do their children. My advice is not to let this happen! Husbands or partners are quite capable of sorting out their own lives; this includes their washing, dry cleaning, ironing and cooking (my husband is a better ironer and cook than I am – annoyingly checking up on me if I am ever unlucky enough to be cooking the vegetables!). Often, simply pointing something out to your partner, or making him take responsibility for certain things, is all that is required. Clearly, there are some chores that are better suited to men and the division of duty should therefore take these factors into account. Responsibilities allocated might include manual tasks around the house and garden. Again, the problem is often not one of him being unable or unwilling to do the job, but usually of failing to notice that the job needs doing, or being slow at getting round to doing it. Even if your partner does not notice that certain DIY tasks need doing in the house, he can respond to requests and reminders; never slip into the alternative of doing it yourself.

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Organising yourself Somewhere amidst this chaos, being a mother also has to involve organising yourself. Some of the things that have to be done include: • Organising your work and all that goes with it. • Ensuring that you have time for recreation and relaxation.

Thinking about Combining a Baby with Work Every woman who decides to combine work with a pregnancy and raising a family should think very carefully about the effect of work on the family and vice versa. The most important starting point is to think carefully about your reasons for wishing to work. Satisfy yourself that they are sound reasons and that you are not continuing to work as a default mechanism simply because it is what you have always done and it is easier to soldier on. How will having a baby affect your work? The exact details and difficulties that may arise will vary greatly according to the type of work the mother wishes to pursue, her long-term aims and the effect a break would have on her employment. Different jobs vary greatly in their flexibility, structure and experience when it comes to coping with women who have children.

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Here are a few questions you should ask yourself if you are thinking about returning to work after the birth of your baby: • How will being pregnant affect your ability to carry out your job? • What will happen if you have to take time off during the pregnancy? • How will getting pregnant affect your career prospects and proposed career path? • How much maternity leave can you afford to take? What would be the ideal period for you and your child? What is the best compromise? What if something goes wrong? • Will your work setting be sympathetic to a mother of young children and allow for things to go wrong, or for you to have time off in emergency at short notice? • Will colleagues and clients perceive you in a different way (better, worse)? How much would this matter? • Will your new position enable you to command more or less respect? • Will you be able to or would you wish to invest as much time and energy into your work as you did before you started a family? • How would you combine travelling or being away from home as part of your work? • How will work required to be done at weekends or in the evenings be incorporated into your new family life?

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• Will your chances of promotion be affected? How will your work affect your child? Working away from home inevitably means that you will have less time to spend with your child. Think carefully about how this will affect your child. Factors to take into account include all those that were mentioned above, but specifically: • How you will feel about leaving your child with someone else. • How you will maximise your time with your child. • How you will ensure that the time you spend with the child is happy. There is nothing worse than coming home exhausted and irritated after a long day at work and a long drive home, only to share your irritation with a baby or child who is eager to spend time with you. • How you will minimise your stress at work and avoid rushing your time with your child. • How the childcare that you arrange will influence your child’s wellbeing. • What systems you will use to monitor your child’s day whilst you are at work. • How you and your child and family will cope if you are home late or have to be away overnight or at a weekend because of work. • How it will affect your child if you or your partner are not able to attend school functions.

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• Do you have sufficient ‘fall-back’ arrangements if your child needs additional attention whilst you are at work? Or if your childcarer is sick? • How will your child fare and be cared for during school holidays when you are at work?

‘From the moment I stopped working to go on maternity leave I never forgot for a moment that I would return to the same capacity as before. I realised this meant I could never entirely relax. I therefore knew that it was important to establish a routine fairly quickly; ‘organisation’ is the name of the game when you become a working mother.’ (SD – Radiographer)

On Being a Modern Working Mum As the Millennium approaches it is increasingly clear that the options open to the modern mother, and her expectations, surpass anything that would have been predicted fifty years ago. It seems, at least superficially, that the modern mother can have it all. She may have a brilliantly successful career; she may have scooped a modern, helpful, man-about-the-house as her partner; she may have produced children who are well-adjusted little stars; and she may have perfect and foolproof childcare arrangements. But any modern working mother will admit (to herself if to nobody else) that such stories of super-women with super-families are usually fairy tales. All modern mothers know that holding down a job and having a family is usually a delicately balanced, sometimes juggled, and often precarious state of affairs, and there is always an element 35

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of compromise. There is also the danger that many highly competent working mothers (and wives) end up not having it all, but doing it all. There seems little point in having children if you are not prepared to put in the effort that they will require. This will inevitably involve some sacrifices and will undoubtedly mean that there is less time available for you. It should also mean, especially if you work, that others (e.g. partner, relative, nanny, au pair) help with some of the things you used to do before your child/children came along. It is all too easy for those who disapprove of working mothers to be judgmental and critical of those mothers who choose to work - or who must work – especially when something goes wrong. At the same time it would be wrong and naive of anyone to suggest that problems will not occur at some stage in a working mother’s life. That should not allow attention to be deflected from the positive benefits that combining a job or career and having children can bring. Such a combination can be stimulating, rewarding (financially and personally in terms of achievement) and may enable some mothers to utilise the time spent with their children (and with their partners) all the better because of it. However, in order to make the arrangements with optimal success, careful thought, planning and organisation are needed at every stage. Knowledge about what to expect, what will need to be in place and the problems that may arise and how to cope with them, is the key to a successful combination of work and child-rearing. Ideally, thoughts about how you are going to plan your life leading up to and after the birth of your child should begin well before

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the child is born. At the same time it is worth bearing in mind that no amount of pre-planning and resolve can prepare a mother for the delight and thrill of having a new baby. For some women, even the most ambitious, the comparative stimulation gained from continuing to work pales into insipid insignificance. Whatever you may have planned regarding continuing working before the birth of your child – be prepared to change your mind! In terms of deciding what is right for any woman and her family, my only advice is to do what is best for you and your family at the time. No past expectations or performance can predict how your feelings (and those of your partner) and needs might change as your children appear and develop, so be prepared to change your mind, your plans and your views. ‘I did not take my full maternity leave entitlement with either of my two children. This was a mistake. I found the early return to work physically and mentally gruelling. I took more time off with my second child, but this led to problems at work with power struggles and a feeling of loss of status. In retrospect, I would have liked to have had a career break of 2-3 years after the birth of my second child. But at least if I had my time again I would ensure that I took the maximum amount of maternity leave available to me.’ (Sara)

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3 MY EXPERIENCE OF BEING A WORKING MOTHER My own attitudes to work, career, marriage and raising a family have changed with time – and they will probably continue to alter as my children grow and as their needs change. Everybody has some idea about what being a working mother will be like before experiencing the reality. In this chapter I outline my own preconceptions and examine to what extent my actual experience lived up to them. Attitudes before I had my own children I was one of five children and during my early childhood my mother worked part-time, helping my father in his business. My father had a rather remote input into my upbringing. Although my mother worked initially away from home, she was present a lot of the time. Her presence was definitely felt, even if she was not directly looking after my sisters and myself. Whilst my mother was very clearly the key figure in my life, there were a number of other people, including nannies, who played a significant part in my upbringing – an experience I am pleased to have had. My older sister also played an important role in the care of my younger sister and myself. When we were old enough, my younger sister, Anna, and I also entertained ourselves a great deal. My mother’s work commitments seemed natural, and fitted in well with our family life.

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I grew up with the assumption that I would have a career of my own, and would always work. Indeed, such was my dedication to the idea of a career, that I was convinced from an early age that I would never get married, let alone have children. Planning a family and early thoughts about work Having eaten my words once already (getting married), I found that I was about to eat them again. After being married for a couple of years, my husband and I decided we would like to have a baby. In fact we decided we would like to have at least four! By the time we began to talk about starting a family, I had already been working as a hospital doctor for five years, and was well on my way to becoming a career neurologist. At that stage, the question of my giving up work in order to look after a child never entered my mind, or my husband’s. It seemed obvious to us that our family life would have to fit in not only with his work, but with mine too. Looking back, we had no real comprehension of just how complicated this can be. However, we did have an inkling that having a baby would be a major disruption to our lives. Selecting the best time to have our first baby There were several factors that we took into consideration in deciding when to have our first baby. The main ones were my age, our ability to afford the kind of childcare we thought we wanted and my work commitments. Age I was still well below 30 when we began to think of starting a family. Thirty was a psychologically important age for me, because

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I knew that complications of pregnancy are generally less if the first baby is born between the ages of 20 and 30. I also knew that congenital problems such as Down’s syndrome increase in frequency quite markedly from the age of about 35 onwards. I reckoned that if I wished to have at least two children, no closer than two years apart, then I would certainly be wise to start before I was 30. Cost of childcare Because of the hours that my husband and I worked, we felt that we wanted our child to be cared for in our absence in a manner that would be closest to having a parent around. We needed someone who would be there whenever we were not. We also wanted our baby to be looked after in our own house, but to have privacy when we were at home ourselves. This meant employing a full-time nanny, but one who would not ‘live in’. By the time we began planning to have a baby, we felt that we would be able to afford this form of care. Stage in Career We felt that, especially for the first baby it would be a tremendous advantage if I could have the baby at a time when I was not working in a busy hospital job. Fortunately such a ‘window’ occurred, as I did what many junior doctors do who aspire to a permanent position in a teaching hospital: I embarked on three years’ research for a Ph.D. I knew that during this period my hours would be more regular, and I would have no on-call commitments and much less stress at work. Therefore, I admit (with some reticence) that the arrival of our first baby was carefully planned to coincide with this stage of my career. As soon as my research was underway, my husband and I set about

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conceiving. We were extremely lucky with our timing and I became pregnant straight away.

Pregnancy Enquiring about maternity leave and regulations regarding pregnancy and work At the same time as we began to plan my first pregnancy, I made some enquiries with my employers about working whilst pregnant, and about my maternity leave entitlements. I was very glad to have made these enquiries early, as I discovered several important pieces of information about my legal rights and what notice I would have to give (maternity leave is covered in more detail in Chapter 5). Deciding how much maternity leave I would take I took a number of factors into account when deciding how much maternity leave I would take. The first consideration was how long I thought it would take me to get to know how to handle my baby, and get to know him or her. I was also keen to breast-feed for the first three months, and was not sure that this would be possible after I returned to work. I needed time to sort out childcare as well. I would have liked more than three months; but from the point of view of my work, I decided that three months was all I could really afford to take. After the birth of my baby, I would still have to complete the research for my Ph.D and write it all up within the allotted time. Three months leave seemed like a reasonable compromise. Three months would probably have been adequate if all had gone smoothly.

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Deciding when I should start my maternity leave Having made up my mind how much maternity leave I would take, I assumed that, if all went well with the pregnancy, I ought to take the whole of the three months after the birth of my child, so that I could maximise the time spent with my new baby. Working during my first pregnancy By the time I became pregnant with my first baby, I had already planned in my mind exactly what pattern my pregnancy, maternity leave, and return to work would follow. I had planned what experiments for my research I would do before the baby was born and even what work I might try and get done at home during my maternity leave! However, I very soon learnt that things don’t always go according to plan. Announcing my pregnancy I was not sure when was the best time to announce my pregnancy to work colleagues. I decided, once I was fairly sure I was pregnant and had gone past the period of higher risk of early miscarriage (up to about 12 weeks), that I should let my Ph.D supervisors know. I was the first woman in our department to become pregnant, and I just did not know how the news would be received. When I broke the news to my supervisors it turned out that I need not have been concerned: both reacted well. The question of whether I was planning to return to work after having the baby was never raised by them, nor by me; it was an unspoken understanding that I could not be intending to ‘give up’. Provided my research would not be disrupted, they seemed satisfied.

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Later, when I was about 24 weeks pregnant, I wrote a formal letter to my employers. I had discovered that I had to give 21 days notice of my intention to take maternity leave, and that maternity leave would normally start in the 11th week before my expected date of confinement. I wrote that I planned to work until the end of my pregnancy (provided I was deemed medically fit) and that I would take 12 weeks maternity leave. My leave would begin on my estimated date of delivery if possible. Problems during pregnancy The early weeks of my pregnancy were unbelievably easy. I was able to continue working as normal. Indeed, I began to think that all the fuss about pregnancy was nonsense. So blasé did I become, that my husband and I decided to spend our summer holiday having what we knew would be our last adventurous expedition for some time: we arranged an action-packed trip to Zimbabwe. I should have known better. I was nine weeks pregnant when we set off. The trip included five days canoeing on the crocodile and hippoinfested Zambezi river, followed by a nine hour journey in a Landrover over rough track. We hadn’t planned on the latter, with the bumps almost proving more than my pregnancy could take. Immediately after the journey I seemed to be all right, but on my return to London, I began to bleed. An ultrasound scan showed that the baby was still alive, but the obstetrician told me (he didn’t advise or suggest) that I must not work. He said I had to rest in bed for as long as it took for the bleeding to stop completely. He said I should resign myself to at least two weeks in bed, and that I should start a tapestry!

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Luckily, everything settled down in the space of two weeks, and I returned to work. From then on my physical activities were much more respectful of my pregnancy. Daily activities during pregnancy Whereas before my pregnancy I had managed to pack the household chores, shopping, washing, recreational activities such as swimming, squash and playing the piano, around my work, I found that with the progress of my pregnancy everything took much more time and was more of an effort. One by one many of these other activities fell by the wayside. However, there were some things that simply had to be done. Although my husband tried to help me as much as he could, his work was even more demanding than mine, and there was a limit to what he could do to assist. As well as the usual chores I also felt I must go shopping for a long list of items that my books suggested would be needed for a new baby. Even everyday tasks – getting out of bed in the morning, driving to work, standing or walking even for relatively short periods, and simply staying awake in the afternoons - all became trials as my pregnancy neared term. I found that, whereas before my pregnancy I would work or read until midnight, now the clock had barely struck 9pm before I was struggling to keep my eyes open. I began to wonder if the amount of activity to which I had committed myself could really be good for my pregnancy. Towards the end of my pregnancy, I began to regret that I had not planned to stop working sooner. I felt like an elephant, and my body was telling me that I needed more rest. Yet despite my doubts about the wisdom of my continuing to work so late in my pregnancy, the pregnancy seemed to be going

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well. I was gaining a suitable amount of weight, my blood pressure was normal, and the obstetrician seemed pleased. Taking time off to go the antenatal clinic Days that I particularly looked forward to were those when I could take time off work to visit the antenatal clinic. These visits provided me with a rare opportunity to concentrate totally on the person who was growing inside me. The other special time for this I found was when I was lying in bed at night, my hand resting on my tummy, feeling the little mite move. At these antenatal visits I often wished I had a little more time during my pregnancy for such introspection. I always seemed to be in such a rush. Attitudes to pregnancy Being pregnant opened my eyes to a number of things. One of these was the fact that there were lots of other pregnant women and young women with babies whom I had previously not noticed. I also realised that the attitudes of others towards me were sometimes very different from what they had been before I became pregnant. At work, most people – especially the other young women – were considerate and helpful, and extremely interested in my pregnancy. But what I found particularly annoying was the apparent belief held by some people – ranging from secretaries, cleaners, other doctors, and even total strangers – that somehow my pregnancy was public property. This usually manifested itself in the form of inappropriately familiar questions or enquiries, as if they were somehow entitled to an answer. Some people even dared to pat my growing abdomen! Perhaps they assumed I would be pleased by their interest. Then there were the few who were clear ‘pregno-

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phobes’: showing irritation and disdain if, for example, I walked up a flight of stairs too slowly in front of them. Maternity leave and childcare My work continued uninterrupted until my estimated day of delivery arrived. Like many first babies, mine was late. It was a great relief to be able, at last, to stay at home. I became broody, as predicted by my maternity books, and even started sewing, which is unheard of under normal circumstances! I whiled away the time by resting and checking that I had everything I would need for the confinement. We did not have a nursery – we planned that the baby would sleep in a crib by my side of the bed. So I did not have too much to prepare in terms of rearranging the house or decorating. I managed to put my work completely out of my mind, with surprising ease. The baby arrived on the third day of my maternity leave. Feelings after the birth of my baby Nothing can describe the unbelievable joy that I felt when my baby boy, Peter, was born. For the first few weeks of his life, everything else I had ever done seemed insignificant. I know that there are some working mothers who, no sooner have they had the baby are back with their laptop computers working by the side of the neo-natal cot. This was not so for me. Even if I had wished to, I would not have had the energy. I had not anticipated that the birth itself would be so exhausting. There are some women who seem to float through delivery, but for me it was like running a marathon – ten times. And after the birth there was no let up.

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Problems with the baby during maternity leave When Peter was about two weeks old, I began to realise there was something wrong with him. He slept terribly. In fact he hardly slept. He napped, catching the occasional few winks when he could between bouts of what seemed to me to be severe tummy pains. These were diagnosed by my Health Visitor and by two G.P.s as ‘colic’. The worst they’d ever seen, they told me. Being anxious not to ‘doctor’ my own child, but beginning to suspect that he was suffering from a blockage of the stomach known as pyloric stenosis which is a much more serious problem, I went to another G.P. who confirmed this. He referred us immediately to the paediatricians at a local teaching hospital. My son and I were admitted. We were observed for a week, all the while my son becoming weaker and losing even the energy to cry. Eventually, after a week of observations and tests, he was operated on and cured. By now my son was eight weeks old. I was totally fraught and exhausted with stress and worry. We had nearly lost him, and I had only four weeks to go before having to return to work. I had done nothing yet about arranging childcare. I felt that most of my three month’s maternity leave had been overshadowed and lost, with my little son being uncomfortable and ill. If there was one benefit that came out of this experience, it was that I had spent almost every minute of the day and night with him, and I had got to know him very well. I began to think about how we were going to feel when I returned to work. I think I probably felt even more protective towards him than I would have done if everything had been normal. I worried that somebody else might not notice if he became ill again.

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Arranging childcare I became acutely aware of the extent to which my baby’s and my own wellbeing would depend on the quality of the childcare we secured. I mentioned earlier that my husband and I decided we would employ a full-time nanny. In trying to find a suitable person with whom to entrust our baby, there were several things that we wanted to be sure about. 1. The baby’s safety. The person had to be experienced in the care of young babies and, if possible, trained in childcare (we felt this showed more commitment to the job of nannying). 2. The child’s happiness. We wanted someone who would be warm and loving and patient. 3. We wanted someone who was trustworthy and reliable. 4. We wanted someone who would be able to provide sufficient interest and stimulation for the baby; and who would give our baby their full attention. 5. We wanted someone who would be prepared to stay for a reasonable length of time (for at least a year), so that the baby would have continuity in his care. We wanted so many qualities in the person we would employ as a nanny that I sometimes doubted that we would find anyone we would feel happy with. Advertising and Interviewing Almost as soon as my son and I came out of hospital, I placed an advertisement in a magazine which specialises in child and

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domestic care. I also registered with some nanny agencies. I had a big response from the advertisement, and surprisingly little from the agencies. I ended up interviewing about 12 girls. There was no difficulty in choosing our first nanny, Claire. She stood out from the others. She was open, friendly, warm, intelligent, and showed a genuine interest in Peter. She seemed very comfortable handling him and was clearly very knowledgeable about babies. I explained his health problems to her and she asked sensible questions. After checking her references and interviewing her a second time, we offered her the job, explaining that there would be a contract to sign with her job description and terms of service detailed. Once it was clear that she was happy to come and work for us, we decided when she would start and that there would be an overlap period with me. I went over small details about how I wished my son to be cared for. Every parent has his or her own views (and preconceptions, which may change with experience). I had a few ground rules, which included: • I did not want my baby to be left crying. • He should never be smacked or treated roughly. • He should not watch too much TV or too many videos. • He should only eat food that was agreed beforehand. • Outings should only be to places agreed with me beforehand (with entries made on the calendar). • No boyfriends or visitors were to be allowed in our house during working hours (except with my knowledge and agreement). Everything was amicably agreed. 49

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Returning to work My three months maternity leave passed all too soon. I was left feeling that I had not enjoyed my son for long enough. I had arranged that Claire would start during the final week and we would look after my son together, with her taking the main role and me simply being around. I felt this overlap was essential because I wanted to see how she looked after my son, and how he responded to her. Rationalising my feelings about the nanny When the time came for me to return to work, I felt happy that I was leaving Peter in the hands of a good person. I realised that I must dispel the anxieties I felt about him becoming attached to her, and should simply hope that she would be loving and kind and intelligent in the care of our precious boy. Monitoring how things were going I had decided that, even if my work permitted, I would not make ‘spot checks’ on the nanny, because I felt that this would demonstrate a lack of trust. So I relied largely on what I observed when I was with Peter to judge how things were going. My son always seemed happy when I got home from work. Often I would find him sitting on the nanny’s knee, being read a story; or being played with. He was always smiling. He seemed pleased to see me, but also not happy to see the nanny go. On one occasion he even started to cry as she left the house, which I couldn’t help feeling hurt by – although I knew rationally that this was a good sign. In the early weeks, though, I could not help but worry that he might start to love the nanny more than me – if only because he spent most of the day with her. I would deal

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with this by listing the many reasons why this should not happen, for example: 1. Because I loved Peter so much and believed I showed it. 2. Because he slept for much of the time I was at work (although this decreased as he got older). 3. Because he spent quite a lot of time with me and my husband in the evenings as he didn’t go to bed at night until about 9pm. I also knew he was being well looked after because he was always clean and comfortable; he hardly ever had a sore or dirty nappy area. The nanny showed obvious interest in him: she enjoyed talking about what my son had done with her during the day; she regularly updated me if anything ‘new’ had happened, or if he had done something for the first time. She was sensitive to my desire not to want to miss anything, and took photos of him. She did things with him that I would certainly not have had the energy or knowledge to do if I had been caring for him myself full-time. She was clearly very proud of him. She was an excellent nanny and we were all very fond of her. Worries and doubts about what I was doing Despite this, I worried about whether I was doing the right thing – whether I would regret later on not having seen my son through all his early life, and whether he might be losing out because I was absent for such long periods each day. At the same time I do not remember seriously questioning the wisdom of my decision to return to work. I had started research which I was keen to complete and which it would have been humiliating to abandon. More generally, I was accustomed to financial independence and had invested a huge part of my life in my

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career, a career that meant a great deal to me. I told myself that I would feel more satisfied by continuing to work (as long as my work was of value to me), and that I would thus be happier and more committed to giving as much as I could to my child when I was with him. Leaving For Work Every morning I spent some time with Peter while we got up and dressed. I prepared breakfast, and at about this time the nanny would arrive and I would ‘hand over’. I hated spending too long saying goodbye to Peter as it made the parting painful and difficult. Therefore, once the nanny had arrived she would distract Peter’s attention as soon as I had kissed him and I would slip out of the front door. I disliked this too. I felt as though I was sneaking off and that sooner or later, after I had gone, he must discover that I was no longer there. Did he cry I wondered? The nanny assured me that if he ever did, it was not for more than a minute or two. This pattern went well most of the time. However, difficulties arose when Peter was ill, or simply didn’t want me to leave. These partings were especially painful. Usually my husband left the house after me, which seemed to help. Once at work, I managed to switch off from thinking about my baby remarkably easily. I think this made it easier for me to work. I occasionally phoned home if there was something that needed to be discussed, but never simply to check what was happening. I would have done, however, if I had had any suspicion that things were not right. At work, I was usually comforted in the knowledge that my son was with a nice person who had arranged interesting things to do with him. I knew he would sleep throughout a substantial amount of the day, and that I would be able to spend time with him when I got home.

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Increasing efficiency at work I aimed to get through my work with as much efficiency as possible and consequently got more done than I ever had before. Whereas before I might have wasted some time chatting, now I concentrated solely on my work. My aim was to get through what needed to be done and be on my way home as soon as I reasonably could. People at work began to realise that I was no longer such a free spirit. They understood that my values had changed and respected this. Tiredness at Home Whilst I managed to keep work going, and to spend what I felt was happy time with my son and with my husband, this was not without its price. Like every parent of a small baby, I was constantly tired. My son rarely slept through the night until he was 18 months old. My husband was a true knight in shining armour at this point. He actually enjoyed getting up for our son; he woke much more easily than I did (so inevitably heard my son before I did) and he fell back to sleep more readily. We therefore shared being on-call at night for our baby. On my return home from work, whereas before motherhood I might have played the piano or flicked through a postal catalogue, now, with a tiny baby to tend to, there was no let up. Once I returned home and the nanny had left the house, I had to, and wished to, give him every bit of my attention. I also reflected that perhaps the lot of the mother of a young baby is even worse for those who stay at home all the time. At least I was able to get some respite at work. Indeed, I know one working mother who says her work is ‘R & R’ in comparison with childcare. Another doctor colleague told me that she guiltily heaved a sigh of relief when she was called into the hospital on

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weekends, because her husband would then have to take over looking after the baby. Spending happy time with my child A great deal is written and said about ‘quality time’ and it probably conjures up different things in different people’s minds. I never consciously set about allocating a set amount of time that I would spend, or a list of activities that I would do with my children to constitute ‘quality’ time. From the arrival of my first baby, it was obvious that what constituted the best way of spending time with him was doing things he enjoyed; and if it so happened that these were ‘educational’ as well, then all the better. In order that my husband and I could have more time with our baby, Peter stayed up later in the evening than most other children of his age. To compensate for this, he slept more, with two long naps during the day. We would put him to bed at night after we had finished our own evening meal. In fact, from the age of three months my son would accompany us at the dinner table, sitting semi-upright in his small bouncer chair or, later, in his high chair. I am sure that Peter would not have gone to sleep anyway until he had spent this time with his parents. I do know of some cases where this has gone to extremes. For example, a friend of mine who had her first baby whilst she was doing a very busy hospital job (often returning home at 8 or 9pm) said that her baby would not go to sleep, but would stay awake until midnight with her every night. She was quite sure that this pattern resulted from the fact that her baby saw her so little during the day and weekends that he was making up for lost time.

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I also noticed that the time I spent with my son was enhanced by the fact that it contrasted so much with the rest of my day. On returning home I usually experienced a surge of energy and enthusiasm at the thought of seeing my baby and being with him. Perhaps I would not have been quite so enthusiastic if we had spent the whole day together. Weekends were a time to do things as a family. I relished the fact that my husband and I could enjoy doing what parents who didn’t work did routinely the rest of the week. We enjoyed mundane things like being able to make his mushy food for lunch, playing silly games at home and taking Peter to the park. Changing Priorities In order to make the time to devote to our baby, a number of things in my home life changed. Examples of these included: • Reducing the amount of ironing I did (e.g. ironed sheets, jeans and all casual clothes became a thing of the past). • Shopping was done all together on the weekends (baby too, in a pouch). • I stopped playing squash (which I used to play regularly), although I did replace this with an exercise and relaxation routine at home. • We tended to spend less time cooking, but I did begin to make cakes, which my son loved helping with. • I saved up any paperwork/administration to do once the baby had gone to sleep. • We watched much less television. 55

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• ‘Baby comes too’ was our new attitude for many social occasions. Like most parents of young babies, we also found that we went out in the evening far less often than we had before. As part of our nanny’s duties we had agreed that she would baby-sit twice a week, but in fact we seldom took this up. If we were invited to supper at a friend’s house, baby would come too, in a ‘Moses basket’. Outings to the theatre or cinema or to a restaurant were few and far between. In retrospect, whilst my relationship with my husband did not suffer, I think we should have taken advantage of the fact that we could have spent more time alone together, by taking up our baby-sitting option more often. Recreation for our child Whilst in some ways my old world contracted, having a baby opened up a whole new world to me. Before I had my first child, I had not had much to do with children. We were amongst the first of our friends to start a family. Although I had learnt a great deal about my own child during the intense three months of my maternity leave, I still knew little about the social activities that were available to young mothers or carers and their charges. Fortunately (and this was one of the reasons for choosing an experienced nanny), Claire knew exactly what should be available, and how to go about joining in the various activities. She attended a playgroup, a music group and occasionally went to a baby gym with Peter – soon he had built up a small network of ‘friends’. Potential catastrophe with the departure of our nanny and changing needs of our child Somehow I sensed that our stable situation would not last. Happily for our nanny but unfortunately for us, she met someone

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she wished to marry and planned to leave us. She gave us several months notice. Peter would be 18 months old when she left. This seemed to be a crucial period in his development: he was learning fast, and was eager for stimulation. Claire had managed to give him the stimulation he needed, would the next person be as good and appropriate for his changing needs? Having by now become only too aware of horror stories about disastrous experiences with nannies, I was not looking forward to repeating the process of trying to find a stranger who would be suitable to look after our child. Change in childcare and work Luckily my younger sister Anna, an artist, offered to look after Peter for a while. Neither she nor I knew how this would work out. What I did know was that she would love him, always bear his needs in mind, talk to him and do interesting things with him. I knew that I could trust her. But did she know enough about children? Did it matter if she didn’t? She would learn in the same way that I had. I was less comfortable about how I would feel if she did things differently from me, or in a way that I did not like. With a nanny I would have no hesitation in correcting her or telling her how to do something; but how could I do that with my own sister? My sister and I discussed all these things before she started, and recognised that the experiment might not be a success, for us or for her. To our amazement the arrangement worked out fantastically – with only one or two quarrels along the way. In fact I really believe that this set-up was better for my son than if I had been at home looking after him all the time. He developed a wonderful relationship with his aunt. My sister widened Peter’s experience in a way that I would never have been able to do. She is a person of boundless energy; she would do creative,

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artistic activities with him, take him on expeditions, play swordfighting games with him and take him for walks with her two dogs. Just as my sister was beginning to feel she could not continue to look after Peter for much longer, because she had too little time for her art, he reached the age of two and a half and started morning nursery school. This gave Anna the time she needed in which to paint. Consequently the arrangement continued for a further year. If there was anything Peter missed out on initially with Anna, it was interaction with other children. My sister was not the sort to ‘get in’ with the local mother-baby or nanny scene. Nor did I feel that I could ask her to wash and iron Peter’s clothes in the same way as a nanny would have done. However, these things were trivial when compared with all the advantages she brought. My changing work situation After my research ended, I returned to work in a hospital. At that time my son Peter was not quite two years old. I had the comfort of knowing that my sister would be looking after him, which was particularly lucky because I knew that my next few years before getting a consultant post would be tiring, with long hours, and that I would have to spend nights and weekends on call. I would also have to make a determined effort to impress senior colleagues at least as much as my male contemporaries. My post was as a registrar in neurology at Charing Cross Hospital. This was a very busy job. I was on call every fourth night and every fourth weekend, and whilst I learnt a great deal in this

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job, I longed for a time when I would be able to spend my evenings at home uninterrupted. Planning my second baby It was not an ideal situation in which to be planning another baby, but I felt I had little choice. My husband and I wanted another child, and three years seemed a suitable gap. In any case, there was no assurance that if we waited longer my working conditions would get any better. I thought about working parttime but that seemed an unattractive option; it would simply prolong the time that I would have to spend before I could apply for a consultant position and would probably lessen my chances of ever getting such a post. I did not contemplate abandoning my career – so the only thing for it was to go ahead and try to have a second baby, whilst scaling the career ladder at the same time if I could. I had been working for only a few months at Charing Cross Hospital when my second pregnancy began. When I was about 18 weeks pregnant, a post was advertised at the National Hospital for Neurology. I knew that if I were to apply for and get this job it would be a good step for my career, and so I decided to apply. I was short-listed, and attended an interview when I was 22 weeks pregnant. My pregnant state was not obvious. I wondered whether or not to tell the interview panel that I was pregnant. I decided that I did not have an obligation to tell them, and I worried that volunteering the information would jeopardise my chance of success. Happily I was not asked. New job I was appointed to the post, and began four weeks later. By this time my ‘bump’ was plainly visible. I couldn’t help but feel a little

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sheepish when I started the job, and the consultants I worked for clearly also felt awkward. They had not encountered such a situation before. I told the consultants that I intended to work until as near to the end of my pregnancy as I could. After the experience of my first pregnancy I did not really want to carry on working so long, but I could not help feeling guilty that I would be going on maternity leave so early in my new job. I learnt later that my arrival in a pregnant state for that job was a source of much gossip amongst neurologists. The job was even more demanding than my previous one. Not only was I on call every third night and every third weekend, but when I was on call I had to stay in the hospital. My son and I missed each other terribly. When I was staying in the hospital over the weekend, my husband and son would come and visit me, and we would spend a few hours together (provided I was not called away) in my dingy room. I felt very unhappy. But as luck would have it, my plan of continuing to work until the end of my pregnancy could not be fulfilled. And if truth be told, I was not sorry. After only ten weeks in my new job, by which time I was 36 weeks pregnant, my blood pressure rose sharply. The obstetrician told me that I must rest in bed for the remainder of my pregnancy. I was therefore compelled to start my maternity leave early. I was delighted! Another job interview Yet, even after the premature start of my maternity leave, my eye was constantly on professional matters. I had this ingrained feeling that my career had to go on. No sooner had my maternity leave begun than another neurology post was advertised, this time a lecturer (senior registrar) post back again at Charing Cross Hospital. If I were to be appointed to this post, it would be 60


another step up the ladder, closer to a consultant job. It would also mean slightly better hours and the opportunity at least to be on call from home. So, on maternity leave, with my high blood pressure just beginning to settle down, I applied for the job and was interviewed just before I gave birth! This time there was no way, even if I had tried to, of hiding from the interview panel the fact that I was pregnant. But despite my obvious condition, I was given the job. I will always remember that as an example of true liberal thinking in what is not always the most liberal of professions. It was agreed that I would start work in approximately four months time. Birth of my second baby My little girl, Elly, arrived without complication two weeks earlier than planned. This time I knew what to expect, and I had all the necessary things for a newborn baby: she simply had everything of Peter’s. My sister was still with us, so she looked after my son whilst I concentrated on the baby, and vice versa. This was wonderful because it meant I could spend time with each child separately. I loved my second maternity leave. It was altogether less fraught than the first, not least because my daughter was not ill, as Peter had been. Also, I did not have to worry about having to look for a nanny and, having looked after a baby before, I felt more confident the second time around. I even had time to relax and to think about getting my figure back into shape again. During this period I began a series of exercises which formed the basis of my book, Shaping Up During and After Pregnancy, and which enabled me to return to work four months after the birth of Elly, trimmer than I had ever been.

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Sibling rivalry I had tried to involve my son throughout my pregnancy with the growing baby, and tried to emphasise that he would have an important role as a big brother and that we would need his help with the baby. But, despite my efforts, when Elly was born he was quite jealous. This was never demonstrated in any aggressive way, but he made it clear that he did not approve of the new arrival. Fortunately, the fact that my sister was around all the time, and that he thinks she is the coolest person on earth, made a big difference. Peter was happy to leave me to look after the baby for long periods, so long as it meant he had his aunt’s undivided attention. Nevertheless, I tried to make sure that I spent some time alone with him every day and when I could we went on little outings, whilst either my sister or my husband looked after the new baby. Returning to full-time work with two children I cannot emphasise enough just how important the quality of childcare was to my peace of mind when I went back to work. Although Anna knew that looking after a baby in addition to a three year old would be a full-time job and might disrupt her ability to paint, she was prepared to give it a go, agreeing to continue looking after both children. So I started my new job with the reassuring knowledge that my children were in the hands of my sister. This eased the pain of separation and helped me to concentrate on my work, knowing that they were loved and cared for in the best possible way whilst I was not with them. I did not find returning to work easy. Although I was now one rung higher up the hospital ladder, my new job was very taxing both physically and emotionally. I was busy and on my feet most

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of the day, at the beck and call of a bleep. I was still on call every fourth night and every fourth weekend. Although I did not have to stay in a room at the hospital when I was on call, I would sometimes be called into the hospital in the early hours of the morning and not have time to return home before the next day’s work began. Some weekends I would be in the hospital for most of each day; sometimes my husband would bring the children in and play with them whilst I saw a patient. This kind of work was stressful and exhausting. I was only prepared to put up with it because I knew it was not going to be a permanent way of life, and was a necessary step towards getting a consultant’s post. Spending time with two children Dividing my time between the two children when I returned home from work each day and at weekends was not easy either, especially as they both felt deprived of their mother and demanded my full attention. Inevitably I tended to spend more time with the baby, though I always tried to do things that would involve them both. Generally, I found the best way of doing this, even when my daughter was very young, was by reading to them both together. When Elly got a bit older we did activities together such as painting, playing with playdough or doing puzzles. Each night, my husband and I divided forces and each put one of the children to bed after reading a story, so that they each had some special time alone with a parent. Because of my workload and awful hours during that period, my husband took on a far greater role in the care of the children than most husbands (even ‘modern’ ones) would expect to. He got up at night when I was not there, and often when I was, to let me rest. He fed them; he prepared milk bottles; he dressed them; he played with them and read to them; he changed their

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nappies; the only thing he was never any good at was brushing their hair. And he once took my daughter swimming with her swimsuit on back-to-front without noticing! Minor bad experience with a nanny The blissful arrangement with my sister did not last long enough. When Elly was eight months old, my sister decided that she could not continue to look after the children. She understandably felt that being a full-time childcarer was preventing her from developing her art and that she needed to make a change. So we found ourselves searching for a nanny again. We had been given a strong recommendation for a nanny agency in South London which specialised in placing girls from Australia and New Zealand, so I registered with them. Within two days the agency sent along a girl who seemed intelligent, reliable, tidy and interested. Without interviewing anyone else, we offered her the job. Looking back I realise that this was a mistake. In fact, there were clues from the start that the relationship might not run smoothly. Despite my having discussed her job description in detail at the interview, including our expectations about baby-sitting, when we wanted to record these in a written agreement she tried to re-negotiate the terms. Although the new nanny was safe and efficient, she did not bring much warmth to the job, and it became increasingly obvious as time went on that her heart was not really in it. She seemed to get on reasonably well with Elly. However, my son Peter seemed unhappy when I returned home each night and was uncharacteristically noisy and badly behaved. At first I put this down to the fact that he must be missing his aunt and finding it

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hard to get used to being looked after by a new person. When I asked Peter if he liked the nanny, he said ‘I don’t like her face’. And it was true that she rarely smiled, and wore ghostly white make-up. I think he sensed that the nanny was cold towards him. So, one evening I sat down to have a chat about how she was getting on. I asked her if she had any problems dealing with Peter, and she admitted that she did not know how to handle him because she was not used to a four year old being so ‘assertive’. Because the nanny was reliable, and because we feared the disruption and uncertainty of another change, we decided to persevere. After another couple of months however, things began to go down hill even more. It soon became clear that most of the decline was due to boyfriend problems. The nanny had met an American who was shortly to return to the States and she wanted to spend as much time with him as she could before he left. She asked if she could be allowed to see more of him. We agreed that he could come to our house towards the end of the afternoon, after he finished at work, and before I got home. He seemed nice enough, in fact Peter quite liked him. However, when he began to leave empty beer cans and dirty plates around the house, I had had enough. Fortunately, we did not have to ask the nanny to leave, as she decided she would go to America with him. Looking for a nanny again So after about eight months we were on the hunt for a nanny once again. This time, like the first, we placed an advertisement in a magazine. Again we had a huge response. We interviewed about 10 girls, and we decided to offer the job to a 22 year old girl who had worked for six years in a home for disabled children and adults, and in her spare time had also done a B-Tech course.

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We felt this showed determination and commitment. This nanny seemed incredibly patient with the children. But she was also incredibly quiet, and I found it hard to get a feel of what she was really like. For the first year that she was with us, this nanny did a super job. My daughter was not yet at nursery school and the nanny was entertaining her well and both children seemed to be fond of her. Getting a consultant job During this year I applied for a consultant job and was successful. This was what I had been striving for! At last I had the security of a permanent position and would no longer have to keep looking for new jobs to try to make my way up the professional ladder. And at last I could look forward to spending all my nights and weekends with my family. Unfortunately, the view from the top of the hill is not always as good as you hope when you are climbing the slope. I gradually discovered that being a consultant, particularly in an academic job like mine where I was also expected to compete for grant money and conduct research, brought with it new stresses and a whole set of “political” struggles and problems. Although I still enjoyed seeing my patients, from this time on I became increasingly disillusioned with the structure of hospital medicine. More serious problems with a nanny At the same time our relationship with our nanny, which had started so well, ended in grief. The trouble began (though we did not know at the time) when Elly started nursery school and

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the nanny found herself with time to spare. She said she would like to take a part-time course in nursery school teaching. We were happy with this, as we thought it would be a good qualification for her and would also give her something constructive to do while Elly was at school in the mornings. Little did we suspect that she would soon be leading a ‘double life’. Outwardly everything continued normally. The only clues (looking back on it) that something was amiss were that the nanny, who had always been quiet, became much more subdued, and that Elly seemed less fond of her. Yet because we believed that the nanny was still doing a good job, we were not suspicious. Then, one night after I had returned home from work and the nanny had left the house, Elly said to me nonchalantly, ‘Mummy, I don’t like Isabella’. This was not a name I knew, so I asked who Isabella was. From Elly’s answers it became clear that there was another little girl whom our nanny was also looking after. I found out that the nanny would arrive at Elly’s nursery school to collect her bringing this little girl with her, and would then take them both back to Isabella’s house, where Elly would stay until it was time to collect my son from school at half past three. Sometimes Elly would even be left with another woman while the nanny went out. It was shocking to find out that we had been so systematically deceived. The unpleasantness was made even worse when we asked the nanny to explain her actions, and she told us a string of further lies. After two years in which she had had the care of our children every working day and we had come to regard her almost as a member of the family, we had to sack her on the spot. How could this have happened?

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I had simply trusted the nanny completely, and let her know that I trusted her. The nanny knew my timetable to a tee. She realised that I never checked on where she was meant to be, nor did I make surprise visits home. It was easy to see how she was able to deceive us. Nonetheless, the discovery of it and the knowledge that my children had been left in the hands of someone who had betrayed our trust made me feel physically sick. I was devastated by this experience, which completely ruined my opinion of nannies. I know that this was an overreaction. Our first nanny had been so superb that I know that having a nanny can be very successful and satisfactory indeed. However, I could not help feeling guilty that I had allowed my precious children to be looked after, and for so long, by someone who turned out to be deceitful. Fortunately my childcare arrangements were resolved by my sister, who came to the rescue again for another year. Current situation At the time of writing this book, my children are aged five and eight. I worked full-time as a hospital consultant until the spring of 1998. Now I work part-time as a hospital consultant. I have adjusted my time so that I spend part of each week working from home, which is where I write. I have become effectively self-employed and I am doing more varied work than ever before. Ironically, it seems I spent my time working in a highly inflexible working environment when my children were smallest and when they potentially needed me most. On the other hand, it is the work I did in this period that has allowed me to reach a level where I am in a better position to control what I do.

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My children’s requirements, and therefore the type of care they need, are now very different from what they were a few years ago. Both are now at school full-time. They need their meals prepared and their homework supervised; but they play more now with each other or on their own, and adult supervision is all that is usually required. I spend a great deal more time with my children now than I did when they were younger. This is a huge benefit to me – it means I have the opportunity to do many of the things that non-working mothers do: I am able to take and collect from school; I can often help with homework; I can generally monitor how they spend their time after school – not watching too much TV, ensuring that they read and play with their toys, talking to them about their school day and friends or little events that have troubled them. I am generally more relaxed with them than I was when I worked full-time, and so the time I spend with them is more enjoyable. They seem to be more relaxed too, happy in the knowledge that I am around more than I used to be. With that security, they often feel able to ignore me and get on and play with each other! Taking the decision to work part-time in my previous job, and to branch out into other things Changing the structure of my work so that I could spend more time with my children inevitably created difficulties. The greatest difficulty that I experienced was in accepting the notion that this would mean I would work in a different way. I had not previously contemplated the idea of not being a full-time hospital doctor any more, and instead filling my time with additional work dictated both in nature and amount by what I wanted and could get. Having worked full-time and very hard since my early twenties, to alter my working patterns initially seemed

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unthinkable. I also thought it would not be possible to achieve. In fact it has been remarkably easy. The advantage of having worked hard early on (including when the children were tiny) is that I reached a position in my career where I was able to take control of my own destiny in a way that I never previously could. I have no regrets that I have continued to work once I started a family. On the other hand, I have sometimes found the pressures of combining work and motherhood, and of trying to ensure that my children are well cared for, worrying and intense. I know that I am not alone in this. Whilst everyone’s individual experience is unique, I am sure that many mothers reading this book will have, or will have gone through, similar difficulties and doubts. I know well that many have to face much harder struggles than I have, as is reflected in some of the case studies. But I hope and believe that I have learnt much from my own experience about what is involved in trying to balance childcare and career.

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4 WORK AND MOTHERHOOD

Why Women Return to Work After Starting a Family Whatever her reasons for working, the problems faced by any working woman who has a child are essentially the same: a new person has arrived on the scene and their ever-changing needs must be taken into consideration and met wherever possible. For most new mothers, returning to work is usually a question not of ‘if’, but ‘when’. Although the statutory minimum maternity period is 14 weeks, a report by the Policy Studies Institute shows that more than 10% have returned to work before that. More than 80% of mothers in the UK return to their jobs within 26 weeks of having a baby. Two recent reports indicate that this is mainly a result of financial pressures, and because they fear that unless they return to their jobs quickly they will lose their position on the career ladder. Those who decide to wait until their children reach school age before returning to work often find that they have lost out in both salary and position. Some women return to work after their children are born out of necessity, some do so out of choice. It is difficult to make the best decisions all of the time. Inevitably at some stage most working mothers will wonder if they are doing the ‘right thing’. Indeed some mothers (myself included) may frequently agonise over this. Naturally this raises the question of why so many women decide to continue working after their children are born. 71

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Circumstances Every woman’s circumstances are different. The following factors will influence a woman’s need or desire to work: • Financial situation. In some cases women need to work to make ends meet for the family; in others the woman is increasingly seen as an important bread winner (see below). Some women simply wish to be able to keep their financial independence. • Family structure; including the presence or absence of a helpful partner. • Whether the pregnancy is planned or not. • Whether the child is wanted or not. • What type and quality of alternative childcare can be obtained. • The psychological importance of work to the mother. • Whether starting a family will influence a career path or possibilities of promotion; some jobs and employers are more flexible and accommodating than others. The reasons that women continue to work after starting a family are many and varied: • Some women return to work because their income is essential for the family to enjoy the standard of living they want or consider acceptable.

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• Some women keep on working after they have started a family because they cannot imagine not working, or they simply do not know how to stop! • Some women wish to work because it gives them a dimension to life outside the home that enhances their happiness and thus their value as a mother. • Some women wish to work because it gives them financial and emotional independence from their partner. • Some women work because they earn more than their partner (i.e. role reversal). • Some women work because their partners want them to. Cara

Library Assistant

Cara is the working mother of a six year old son. Her pregnancy was problematic with a threatened miscarriage. Happily both mother and baby overcame the trauma and thrived. However, despite Cara’s early difficulties, she had always planned to return to the workplace, mainly driven by financial necessity. Teresa

Factory Operative

Teresa had very mixed feelings when she returned to the workplace after the birth of her daughter. Single and badly let down by the father of her child, economic necessity forced her decision to return to work. Teresa was fortunate in having very supportive parents, who insisted that she return home to live. Although she felt guilty leaving her daughter with her parents during the day, she was confident that the child was being loved and well cared for.

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Vivienne Registered Nurse Vivienne had very mixed feelings about returning to work after her daughter was born. Although she felt that her responsibilities to her daughter were more important than her career, the decision to return to work was taken out of economic necessity. After taking the standard amount of maternity leave, Vivienne continued to feel tired and listless. Returning to the workplace to find little support from her employers, she found working and looking after a young family very difficult. Catherine

Stockbroker

Catherine is a working mother of two small children aged three years and 13 months. She had always intended to return to the workplace after the birth of each child. Financial necessity was not the issue in her case – Catherine enjoyed her work and felt that returning to the workplace would benefit both her and her children. Marie

Primary Liaison Nurse

Whether or not Marie should return to work was never an issue. Marie’s career was, and still is, very important to her and gives her the stimulus, self-fulfilment and enjoyment she needs outside home and family as well as offering the much-needed financial reward. Working full-time during her pregnancy, she encountered no real difficulties at all apart from a little tiredness. Melanie

Sales Assistant

Melanie was fortunate to have the full financial and emotional support of her parents, her partner and his family. However, she felt that it was important to return to work as soon as possible so as not to miss out on opportunities of promotion.

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Where financial issues are not a concern (i.e. when the mother does not ‘need’ to work), the issue of whether to work or not can be very difficult. If you have planned prior to the birth of your child to continue working, I think it helps to be clear in your mind about the following issues from the outset: • Exactly why you intend to return to work. • How your return to work is going to affect you, your child and your partner. • For whose benefit you are continuing to work. Failure to think carefully about these points before you return to work (and to reappraise the questions intermittently thereafter) may well lead to guilt or regret at a later stage. ‘I returned to work because of necessity, because I enjoyed it and because I wanted to maintain my career. I had always intended to return to work and my partner was supportive of the decision.’ (Sara)

Modern Social Acceptance Of Working Mothers The fact that women are found working in almost every walk of life is a demonstration of the degree to which working women are accepted. In Britain today there are more working women than there are working men. Breakdown of the age structure of the working population is not so readily available. However, there is no doubt that a major change has occurred in the number of women working, and in the nature of the work they undertake once they start a family. 75

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The figures that interest men Over the centuries women have berated men for looking at their bodies and not their brains. Well, times are changing, but do we really like it? With the material extravagance expected of many modern households, it would be surprising if most men did not size up their future nesting partner with an eye to how much she might earn. In the early eighties one in fifteen women was earning more than her male partner, now that figure has risen to one in five. One friend of mine complains that she wants to be loved for her appearance and had hoped to become a ‘lady of leisure’ once she had trapped her man. Sadly it seems that he has other ideas. Cautionary notes for women who are significant earners before they start a family: • If you are hoping to find a man who loves you and not your income, try to find out as much as you can about his expectations before you embark on a long-term relationship or plan to start a family with him. • Think carefully about how much your income means to you (both). Do not hinge everything on the certainty of your earnings – having a baby can alter your attitudes to work and you may find you wish to return to work part-time, or that you wish to stop working altogether. • If you do return to full or part-time work, make sure that all aspects of the household and family responsibilities (including income) have been considered and are shared between you and your partner.

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Beware of the ‘two-jobs’ syndrome Despite the fact that there are now more working women than men in the UK, we are all aware that the distribution of work in terms of status remains skewed in favour of men, although this is slowly changing. A survey for Top Sante in March 1998 portrayed a picture of working mothers who feel overworked, underpaid and exhausted. 52% of those who work full-time also do most of the chores at home, so it is not surprising that 81% of the women surveyed believed that women are expected to perform too many roles. Most of the ‘stress’ seemed to emanate from the fact that most working mothers were also running and organising the home; it was not actually the physical activity involved, but the mental checking that was stressful. The survey suggested, perhaps not surprisingly, that the women most likely to have found a happy solution were those who were living with a truly ‘modern’ man. Yet only 20% of the women surveyed would classify their husband or partner as one! Men took equal responsibility in only 10% of households. Interestingly, however, about 50% of those women who worked and had a pre-school child would still choose to work part or full-time, even in an ideal world. 30% said they would like to stay at home full-time, whilst only 12% said they would opt for a nursery and 3% for a nanny if they had the means. Only 19% of those who replied were interested in their work as part of a career. Of the women who responded to this survey, nearly 70% felt unhappy with their appearance despite the fact that they were successful women. Figures on free time, produced by the Henley Centre for Forecasting, show that on average, a man who works has 46

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hours of free time per week, whilst a full-time working mother has only 13½ hours. Advice notes: • Do not assume or let your partner assume that you have to be the ‘master of ceremonies’ – share domestic duties and responsibilities as much as possible from the outset. • Do not aspire to being a superwoman if you have a partner who is capable of helping. • Find a truly modern man, or transform your existing one. • In the same way as men have allowed women into their workplace, make your man feel welcome in what has traditionally been considered ours! • Encourage your man to realise that he can do domestic things just as well as you and that you will not object or feel usurped if he takes the initiative.

‘There was always pressure to stay late at work. I coped with the workload by taking more home and preferring to work late at night there than stay at work for longer. My partner was not helpful when it came to sharing the load. He was reluctant to provide emergency cover for the children if the need arose. He did less at home once the children were born than ever before. My partner spent an increasing amount of time away from home, spending several weeks away on business. These problems put a strain on our marriage, as I was effectively coping with work and a young family on my own. We eventually divorced. I am now self-employed 78

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as a property developer with hours that I can control, enabling me to spend more time with the children and to provide childcare that suits my pocket.’ (Sara)

Types of work Many women who are reading this book will already have a job or career, and the situation will often be one of trying to fit your planned family around your current working arrangements. In an ideal world, a woman should be able to combine having a family and pursuing any job or career of which she is capable, but sadly this is still not the norm. In practice, there are certain careers where pregnancy, maternity leave and even just the possibility of having time off to sort out your children’s arrangements can hamper the working mother’s progress and alter attitudes towards her. Because of this there has been a tendency for working mothers, especially those in traditionally male-dominated careers, either to abandon the attempt to compete altogether or to overcompensate for any difficulties at the expense of family life. Work environments that are conducive to working mothers wishing to work FULL-time • Jobs where there have been previous working mothers. • Jobs where the men have working wives.

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• Jobs where a career break can be accommodated (such as with maternity leave or for extended periods if needed) without affecting your chances of promotion. • Jobs where reasonable working hours are acceptable (i.e. not having to be in the office all hours of the day and night to prove your worth). • Jobs where unexpected absences are tolerated or can be covered by colleagues. • Jobs where you are not expected to travel or spend long or frequent periods away from home. In many cases, women who decide to return to work part-time accept that this may result in a slowing down of their career progress and promotional prospects. Sometimes it is possible to have obtained a suitably senior position early enough on in your career, which means that a reduction to part-time work does not have this disadvantage. Work environments that are conducive to working mothers wishing to work PART-time • All of the above. • Jobs where returning to work on a part-time basis is welcomed. • Jobs that are suitable for job-shares. • Jobs in which there is the possibility of returning to full-time work at a later date.

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• Jobs in which part-time work is appropriately valued. Jobs that really are PART-TIME (some part-time doctors find they end up working almost as much as full-time doctors, and yet their training period is extended hugely, and their income is dramatically reduced). Some Individual Examples Barbara

Secretary

With no family or friends close by and good childcare facilities nonexistent, Barbara opted for part-time working at home. Although bringing little money into the household, it gave Barbara the confidence and skills required for returning to the workplace on a full-time basis in the future. Janett

Nurse

Janett had always intended to return to work after her daughters were born. However, she felt that returning to full-time work might be too demanding and opted to work part-time instead. Louise

Midwife

Louise is a working mother of a son aged two years. Louise always planned to return to work after her baby was born and decided to extend her maternity leave and return to work on a part-time basis. Louise enjoyed her chosen profession and found the extra money useful. Mandy

Waitress

As a single mother with no adequate local childcare facilities, Mandy enlisted the help of a friend, also a mother of young children, in the care of her child. They arranged to share the responsibility for childcare, allowing both mothers to return to work part-time. 81

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‘With my first child I returned to the same job but did fewer ‘unpaid’ hours. With my second child I returned to work part-time, but after two years of this I was forced to resign as my employers presented me with an ultimatum: either to leave or to return to work full-time.’ (Sara) Work environments that are not conducive to working mothers • Jobs that involve working to deadlines and are highly stressful. • Jobs that can disrupt ‘home’ time (i.e. weekends and evenings). • Jobs where the work must be given priority above all else. • Jobs that involve spending considerable amounts of time away from home. • Jobs that are highly competitive. • Jobs that are physically and emotionally draining (leaving you a zombie at the end of the day when you see your family). • Jobs where a gap in your career results in a major decline in your status or future prospects. Despite the fact that the extent to which working environments are adapted for working mothers varies greatly, planning a career choice around the possibility that you might start a family in the future, and want more flexible working times and attitudes, would be unwise. No one knows what the future holds. I believe that if a woman wishes to pursue a job or career, she should

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pursue the one that she is best at and from which she will gain most satisfaction, regardless of what its structure and reputation are for the working mother. Attitudes have to change, and it is only by putting pressure on the system that changes will come about. My own experience – I was one of a handful of female neurologists and the first to have a baby and carry on working full-time – shows that a traditional male-dominated world can accommodate pregnant women and mothers if it has to. I am certain that pregnant women neurologists had not appeared earlier mainly because women who wanted a family were choosing not to pursue that career because they were worried it was too male-orientated. Advice notes for those who wish to pursue a particular career: • Do not allow the possibility of having a family to put you off your plans. Most careers are prepared to accommodate working mothers, and even if you would be setting a precedent – put the career system to the test. • Begin thinking well in advance about what arrangements you would wish to have in place for the care of your children and household whilst you are absent. • Be sure of the support of your partner in your plans.

When to start or extend your family – in relation to work and personal factors Starting or extending your family will introduce new demands on the lives of you and your partner. Choosing the best time 83

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from the point of view of both your work and personal life is obviously important. Aspects of your work to consider when starting a family: • What are the hours like and how are they likely to change in the future? • Is there any flexibility in your working arrangements? • What ‘cover’ facilities are available if you are absent? • Are you expected to travel? • Are you expected to attend social gatherings regularly? • Is the career highly stressful? • Does your job require you to relocate frequently? • Do you need to be away from home regularly (e.g. weekends and nights)? • Are contacts important and would loss of these (e.g. during maternity leave) be detrimental? • Would your skills date if you took time off? • Will motherhood be viewed favourably, frowned upon or regarded with indifference? • Is this the kind of work that you can drop in and out of with ease? • Can you organise your own working hours?

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• Is there a possibility of job-sharing or part-time work? • Is there a position that overlaps with school hours and terms? • How committed are you to achieving a particular level in your career? Look at your employment arrangements in relation to maternity leave, equal opportunities, return to work, sick leave arrangement, childcare facilities, time share or part-time possibilities (see Chapter 5). Personal and financial factors to consider: • The age of the mother and father – for women in particular, the biological clock should not be ignored; female fertility declines progressively from the age of 30, and the risk of abnormal pregnancy increases sharply after the age of 35. • How secure is your relationship with your partner? • How helpful will your partner be when you are both working? • How important financially is your income to the home? • Is your home suitable for children? • How will you feel about leaving your child and returning to work? • How will you feel about someone else caring for your child? • What sort of childcare can you afford?

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• Will you be able to combine your various commitments outside work, with raising a family? • What provisions can you make for ensuring you have enough time for yourself and for your partner? • What compromises will you be prepared to make? Another factor to consider is the ultimate structure of your intended family. An idea of how many children you would like to have will help you decide when you should start a family. Other important questions include whether you plan to have children as a ‘close group’ earlier in your working life, or later; or perhaps to spread your family over several years. If you decide to have your children as a group concentrated at the beginning, middle or later part of your reproductive life, there are a number of factors to bear in mind. Having children in a group (who are close in age) Advantages: • Many things can be done as a group (children of closer age being happier to do the same kinds of things). • Catering for children of similar ages has practical advantages in terms of things needed such as push-chairs, high chairs, nappy bags etc. • The children always have each other’s company. • The sleepless nights and exhaustion is intense for a few years, but once the children have reached a certain age, the physical workload diminishes.

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•When the second or any subsequent babies arrive you are in the swing of looking after small children. Disadvantages: • The pressure is concentrated in a short period of time. • Looking after a number of small children, unless you have meticulously reliable childcare and/or a flexible working arrangement, is very demanding. • Finding childcare for more than one or two small children can be tricky. • With older children, simply ferrying to school, activities and outings can be an organisational nightmare. Having children ‘spread out’ The advantages of this for your work are that you do not have an extended period of absence from work, due to pregnancy and maternity leave, or a number of absences close together. This may mean that your progression up the career ladder, or prospects for promotion, are affected less than if you took more time off over a shorter period. You will also have children spread over a wider age range, which can have advantages for your childcare arrangements: childcare can prove simpler to organise than, for example, if all your children are of school age. Another advantage is that the older children may be able to help out in the care and entertainment of the younger ones. The disadvantages mainly derive from the fact that you will have small children to look after for longer.

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Completing a family in the earlier part of your working life (i.e. 20s) Advantages: • You have lots of energy to invest in your young family. • Provided it has not irreversibly hindered your career, you will have more time in your thirties to concentrate on your work. • Still being relatively young, you may have a wider range of options when your family is complete. • You are not too established as a working woman/couple to find the arrival of children overly disruptive. Disadvantages: • Having children close together will inevitably mean a large chunk of maternity leave, which may prevent you from establishing yourself in your career at a time when your contemporaries are forging ahead. • Returning to your workplace after a long break or a series of breaks may be psychologically difficult, especially if you find yourself competing with people younger than yourself. Completing a family in your 30s and 40s An increasing number of women in set career paths are choosing to delay having a family until they are well established in their careers, or to spread their family over a longer period. The age at which women are having families in these situations can vary from their late twenties to their early forties.

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Advantages: • You will have had more time and freedom to concentrate on your work and establish a position/name for yourself, before you have your family. • Your colleagues may have come to rely heavily on your input, and therefore may look on any absence you take as a result of starting a family more favourably; you may even find that you are able to dictate the terms on which you return to work. • You are likely to be financially better off while your children are young. • You have seen more of life and are likely to be more mature, which may increase your success as a parent. Disadvantages: • You will be older and may have less energy than you would if you had started a family earlier. • The biological ‘clock’ is ticking away, and depending on how many children you wish to have the opportunity may be diminished or lost. How well does the combination suit you? No woman can be absolutely sure how she is going to respond to the birth and development of her child or children. Just as women respond differently to different work environments (e.g. some thrive in a male-dominated career, others do not), so their reaction varies once a child arrives on the scene. Undoubtedly, having a child will affect your career and the way in which you work. It may also affect your attitude to work, and the attitudes of colleagues towards you. Being prepared for all sorts of

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changes is important. Most women who continue to work feel that their work contributes more than financial gain to the family – they often take pride in their work, and gain satisfaction and self respect from it. Usually, children do not resent their mother working, provided they feel that they get enough of her attention. Children are also surprisingly proud of their mothers who work. Taking your child on a visit to your workplace can help enormously in making them realise that they are not excluded from that part of your life; it helps them to understand where you go and what you do. ‘On seeing me go to work in a suit, Child 2 said to Child 3 “Doesn’t Mummy look important!”.’ (Elizabeth – Administrator) Having a child seldom has any adverse effect on the quality of a woman’s performance at work. In fact there is often the tendency for mothers to overcompensate in order to show that having a family will not compromise her work. Unfortunately, this often seems to be the case, so you should make sure that you are the kind of person who can manage these pressures. You may find that you waste less time at work and can work more efficiently. Having a child concentrates the mind – you become sensitive to what really matters not only in your family life, but also at work, in a way that you may not have been before. ‘With the birth of my first child, I felt as if I had to do an even better job at work as I wanted to do everything well and fulfil an image of ‘superwoman’. With the arrival of my second child I am more aware of how quickly the early years are over and am therefore much stricter about work and overworking.’ (Louise – Teacher)

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You may find that the way in which you view your work has changed with the arrival of a child. Previously, work may have assumed prime position on your list of priorities. For most mothers, even the most striving career women, this is usually no longer the case once you have a child. Work generally seems less crucial, and many women develop a more relaxed attitude towards it. This will probably not harm your career prospects and may even benefit them – I made the most rapid upward moves of my entire career between my first and second pregnancies! Once your colleagues realise you are not going to give up, and are able to make the combination work, they may treat you with a surprising amount of respect. It is worth remembering that an increasing number of your male colleagues at work will have partners who are working mothers. One consequence of combining work and motherhood is that you will definitely have less time for work-related socialising. Certain things will have to be dropped – such as visits to the pub after work. Some colleagues will view you as a party pooper, but most people understand the demands only too well. Certain jobs view such socialising, or at any rate staying late at work, as a crucial element of the job. If that is the case in your job, then you will find it difficult to feel that you are being taken as a serious member of the team if you are constantly seeking to go home at the earliest opportunity. You may find that staying late one or two evenings a week will satisfy your colleagues. On such occasions, ask your partner to get home earlier in order to spend that extra time with the children. Alternatively you can suggest other times for socialising with your work colleagues, such as when your children have gone to bed or at lunchtime. Another downside of being a working mother is that you will feel much more tired than usual. This can have an impact both on your home life and your work. I certainly found that I tended

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to work much less in the evenings after the birth of my second child. Sometimes, such fatigue goes beyond what is ‘normal’ and may indicate that you really are taking on too much. Susan

Art Psychotherapist

In order to successfully combine motherhood with work, Susan found it necessary to change employers and seek a less stressful position. Fortunately this resulted in career advancement. Although Susan regards this move as a positive step and has no regrets, she does not recommend it for everyone. She feels that a change of workplace coupled with a complete change in personal circumstances may prove to be too much to take on at once. Vanessa

Physiotherapist

Vanessa is pregnant expecting her second child. Before and during her pregnancy with her first child (now 20 months) she was a fulltime student. Vanessa had always planned to develop a career after qualifying, but has recently decided, with the support of her husband and family, to work part-time instead. This has resulted in her career being put ‘on hold’ for the time being as it is necessary for her to undertake full-time work-experience in order to complete her qualification.

Effects of having a family on your career There is no doubt that in most types of work today it is possible for women to become mothers and to continue working. But there is also no doubt that having children can often have an impact on your career progress. In some cases it is only the speed of progression that is affected, but in many others starting a family also diminishes the extent to which you can progress. Why does this happen? 1. Being pregnant itself, as described in the first chapter, may affect your capacity for work. You may simply not be able to get through 92

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as much as male or childless female colleagues. You may have to take time off because of problems related to the pregnancy. 2. Maternity leave involves time away from work. In most jobs, a short gap of two or three months does not significantly affect your career prospects, but longer gaps almost certainly will. This is especially likely to be true where the job requires rapidly changing skills or constantly nurtured client relationships; or where there is an inflexible career structure traditionally tailored for men. 3. Many women return to part-time work, which itself immediately diminishes prospects of promotion. Those who do return to fulltime work, unless they are exclusively committed to their job, will naturally wish to maximise the time each day that they can spend at home with their child. This may mean that you leave earlier than you normally would, and attend fewer work-related social functions. You may also be less keen to travel abroad for conferences or meetings or to take on ‘extra’ duties, such as serving on committees, which normally meet out of working hours. Under such circumstances some colleagues will begin to view you as no longer being a ‘full member’ of the team. In some careers, it is hard enough for single childless women to be accepted as members of male-dominated clubs – having a baby only worsens the situation. On the other hand, gratifyingly, there is an increasing number of ‘modern men’ who have children, and who are just as eager as working mothers to return home to their families. A small minority of women will find having children absolutely no impediment to their career. Indeed, for some it is taken as an advantage, demonstrating maturity, increased responsibility and worldliness. Such women tend to be highly energetic, highly motivated, and with infallible infrastructures supporting their return to work. They are extremely lucky.

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Having a child can be an enormous stimulus to reassessing your values and priorities. After a year or two of struggling with fulltime work and less-than-perfect childcare arrangements, some women find that the situation is not working. It is at this stage that they look carefully at the ‘meaning of life’ and reassess how important their career is, and how realistic their chances are of attaining their previously intended goals. Changing the direction of your work can take many forms. You may alter your longterm goals in terms of how high up the ladder you wish to go; or you may decide that you would like to work part-time; or to stop working either temporarily or permanently; or that you would like to branch out into some business of your own and become self-employed – there are endless possibilities. Changing direction should not be viewed as a failure but as a positive move that hopefully will be in the best interests of your whole family. ‘Accept that certain aspects of your life, your standards and your priorities may alter.’ (Louise – Midwife) ‘When I decided to have a second baby I suffered a miscarriage during a very stressful period at work. I made up my mind to resign from my job and I did not work for five years. I eventually returned to work when my children were four and seven and I worked mornings only. This was ideal and apart from the school holidays working 8.30am until 1pm suited my routine excellently.’ (SM – Radiographer) Whatever your preconceptions about working and motherhood, be prepared to change your mind. Your circumstances may change, your partner’s views may alter, and it may be in your own or your child’s best interest to continue or stop working depending on individual circumstances.

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5 WORK, PREGNANCY AND MATERNITY RIGHTS Practical Aspects of Working During Pregnancy Whether your pregnancy is planned or not, you will need to consider how it is going to affect your work and vice versa. At the end of the day, you have a new being growing inside you, and his or her wellbeing (and thus also your own) should be your main consideration. Therefore, think carefully about what your pregnancy involves. Your changing body Pregnancy involves many changes to your body, and sometimes also to your outlook on life. In the early phases of pregnancy you may not notice any significant changes, but there may be some that intrude on your everyday life, and that you need to be able to cope with. Normal features of pregnancy include: • Tiredness and a little shortness of breath. • You may feel nauseous for the first 12-14 weeks. • Your breasts will increase in size and you may be able to express colostrum from about 20 weeks; you may need to wear larger more supportive bras because of this, and larger tops and your breasts may feel uncomfortable. 95

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• You will need to urinate more frequently. • You may notice some pigmentation in certain parts of the stomach and face. • Your weight will increase. • Your appetite and eating pattern may alter (e.g. needing to eat more frequently; cravings for certain foods). • You may faint more easily if you stand for long periods. • You may develop varicose veins – avoid sitting cross legged; keep feet and legs elevated; wear support tights. • You may get back ache – check posture; rest and avoid undue strain. • Migraines may worsen until week 20, then disappear. • You may become constipated – eat a high fibre diet. • You may develop heartburn – avoid fatty or spicy foods and avoid lying down after eating. • You may get piles – drink plenty of water and eat fresh fruit. • You may experience mood swings or unusual placidity. All of these minor changes need to be accommodated during your working day. Consider how your current working days will be influenced by these minor changes of pregnancy.

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Work, Pregnancy and Maternity Rights

Some Individual Cases Lee

Tele-Communications Officer

Lee’s pregnancy affected her work by making her tired and nauseous, as well as creating problems when travelling by car. To combat these problems she worked ‘flexi-hours’, ensured that she had plenty of rest and stopped doing so much around the house. Susan

Art Psychotherapist

Susan is the single mother of a three year old child. Working during her pregnancy she encountered the common difficulties of sickness and tiredness. She advises root ginger tea to overcome morning sickness and plenty of early nights. She also believes that more often than not changes in attitudes at work can be attributed to jealousy. Jan

Civil Servant

Jan is the mother of a one year old. During her pregnancy she was affected by morning sickness and tiredness. She found that eating little and often and resting whenever possible eased these problems. Fortunately, Jan had support from her husband, who shared the chores and the shopping, as well as accompanying her on hospital visits. Sharon

Hairdresser

Sharon had decided to continue working throughout her pregnancy. Growing to a considerable size, she found it difficult working in such a public profession where the focus is centred upon appearance. She ensured that she took time to pamper herself, steering clear of maternity wear and instead opting for larger size fashion clothing so that she retained confidence in her appearance.

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Taking time off work for Antenatal Clinic visits Antenatal assessments have been one of the major reasons for an improvement in the expected outcome of pregnancy over the last 50 years. It is therefore very important that you attend these visits. Employers are required by law to allow women paid time off to do so. Think about where you would like to have your antenatal care, bearing in mind the quality of care you need, and how you will make the journey there from work. The minimum recommended antenatal visits for a woman in her first pregnancy are as follows: • Monthly visits from week 12 to week 32 gestation. • Fortnightly visits from week 32 to week 36. • Weekly visits from week 36 to term. Extra time may need to be taken for special tests such as ultrasound, amniocentesis etc. You may also like to attend various antenatal classes to help prepare you and your partner for the birth of your baby. Usually a number of alternative times are available for these, including in the early evening. Always bear in mind that more serious problems can occur during pregnancy, and these may require you to take unexpected time off work. Safety aspects of your work environment The safety aspects of your work environment are obviously important to consider if you plan to continue working during your pregnancy. Whether you work at home or in a workplace

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it may not be safe to carry on at your former rate and intensity during pregnancy. Stress and hard physical work can reduce blood flow to the uterus and may limit the growth of the baby. For pregnant women whose work does not involve special hazards or excessive physical exertion, it is probably safe to continue working for as long as you wish, but if complications do arise, you must be able to leave your work easily and quickly. Take care to avoid specific hazards Biological hazards • Exposure to infections in crowded places (e.g. avoid travel to work on a crowded train, bus or tube). • Contact with high-risk groups (e.g. school children). • Certain foods (e.g. risk of listeria in pate and unpasteurised cheese). Chemical hazards • Smoking (including passive). • Alcohol. • Gases (e.g. carbon monoxide). • Insecticides. • Solvents. • Disinfecting agents.

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Physical hazards • Ionising radiation (e.g. x-rays). • Repeated extremes of noise, vibration, heat or humidity. • Excessive muscular work or heavy lifting. • Dust. If any of these adverse conditions are present, investigate to what degree you will be able to modify your work conditions or your timetable so that these are avoided during pregnancy. Modifying your workload (planning) If you are able to predict what sort of work will need to be done over the nine months of your pregnancy, you may be able to structure your timetable so that the more tiring or hazardous tasks are completed before you get pregnant. It is also worth remembering that, in terms of safety for the developing baby, the most hazardous time is in the first 16 weeks of pregnancy, when all the baby’s organs are forming: exposure to hazardous substances during this period is particularly dangerous. In the later weeks of pregnancy, the baby is mainly growing bigger (as opposed to forming), and it is during this time that more rest is important so that blood supply to the placenta (and thus to the baby) can be maximised. So, as a rough guide: • Physically demanding work should be completed as early on in pregnancy as possible.

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• Exposure to hazards should be avoided as much as possible throughout pregnancy, but especially during the first 16 weeks. • Sedentary work should be delayed to the end of the pregnancy. • Perhaps explore the possibility of working at home for the latter weeks of pregnancy. Travel to and from work Travelling can become increasingly tiring as your pregnancy progresses. And if, for example, you have been advised to rest because of a problem with the pregnancy, then your travel arrangements will become very important. • Do you have a long journey in congested conditions (standing, close exposure to germs)? • Do you have a long walk at either end? • Do you have to carry a heavy briefcase? • Do you have to negotiate any stairs? • Is there any possibility of being taken to work by a colleague? Long distance travel Provided the journey is comfortable and unhurried, and provided the pregnancy has been uncomplicated, there is no need to restrict travelling during pregnancy until about 36 weeks; beyond that date, it is unwise to go on long journeys. Some travel companies and airlines restrict travel by pregnant women, so it is always wise to check with the individual company. 101

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‘I found I didn’t want to travel when I was pregnant, but ended up attending riots in Belfast, going to Austria on a school tragedy and France on a feature story. I gave up after an explosion at the factory killed a number of workers. Seven months pregnant I spent the whole day (12 hours) on my feet running from one end of an industrial estate to the other with a tripod on my shoulders. Very silly in retrospect.’ (JS – Senior News Reporter) Informing people about your pregnancy – who to tell and when Considering who to inform about your pregnancy and when is not merely a matter of personal preference if you are planning to continue working. If you are aware of any health reasons that indicate that you and the developing baby may need special care from the earliest stages of pregnancy, you should alert your doctor at the earliest opportunity. A visit at 12 weeks should always be made to establish a baseline from which to assess any later developments. It is worth remembering that 10-15% of pregnancies end in miscarriage and the chances of this occurring are highest in the first weeks of pregnancy. For this reason, many women prefer to keep the news to their partner and closest friends until the pregnancy is well confirmed (e.g. at around 10 weeks or after the second or third missed period). Sooner or later your employers and colleagues will need to be informed if only because you will need them to take account of your changing needs and to adjust the expectations they may have of you. Your employers will also need to be informed of your maternity leave arrangements. Eventually, even to the most unobservant eye, pregnancy becomes obvious! On the other hand, there is no point informing people of your pregnancy if you think the timing would adversely affect your prospects of promotion etc.

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‘I was only the third or fourth reporter in the company’s history to get pregnant. The news was greeted with outright horror at the time, as I had been appointed the first female reporter in years, just ten months before I had to confess. I did have great support from another woman in the office who said: “Remember, they can’t sack you for it”. Keeping that in mind kept me calm when they were being awful.’ (JS – Senior News Reporter) Looking good during pregnancy – at home and work Despite the fears of many women, pregnancy can be one of the most attractive phases of a woman’s life. Be proud of your growing abdomen. Pregnancy and fertility is more fashionable in the 90s than ever before! To make the best of your looks and comfort during pregnancy, it is important to find the right clothes and shoes. The increase in size that occurs with pregnancy affects not only the abdomen but also the breasts, feet, ankles and wrists. The earliest changes are usually in the breasts, with some women increasing by two or more sizes in the first three months. It is worth buying supportive bras with thick straps, and, if you intend to breast-feed, buying some with front opening flaps. The waistline begins to enlarge significantly from about week 14. Until then your normal skirts and trousers will probably fit; after that you will need to wear clothes that either stretch at the waist or that can be gradually let out. Loose tops will also help. Feet begin to swell a little after week 14; wear flat or low heeled shoes, or open sandals or trainers if you are able to.

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Tips for choosing your clothes: • Dark colours are more flattering than light ones. • Flowers and stripes tend to exaggerate size. • Wear elaborate neck wear or earrings if you want to detract attention from your ‘bump’ (e.g. at a presentation or conference). • Smocks and loose tops can be flattering. • Sweating is increased during pregnancy, so wear lighter, cooler clothes. • Choose clothes that will be comfortable. Finally, skin and hair may become either more oily or drier during pregnancy. As a result your make-up and hair-products may need to be altered. Keep a check on your health Every pregnant woman, especially those who continue to work, must keep an eagle eye on themselves and the developing baby. The following are good ground rules: • Eat a balanced diet with a good mix of fresh foods. • Monitor your weight gain carefully. • Avoid drugs.

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• Exercise with moderation and ensure that you have plenty of physical rest. • Avoid stress at work. Ensuring enough rest during pregnancy Rest is vital throughout pregnancy, and many pregnant women report the need not only to sit down more than usual, but also to sleep more. The blood flow to the placenta increases during periods when the mother’s own body is requiring less blood. Therefore, physical rest is particularly important in the last months of pregnancy, when the baby’s size is increasing most rapidly. If you are continuing to work, or are very active at home, ensure that you spend at least one hour a day with your feet up, feeding the baby by increasing the blood supply to the placenta. If you find sleeping difficult, especially in the last weeks of pregnancy • Try relaxation exercises. • Ask your partner to give you a massage. • Try to identify and reduce any sources of stress that might be worrying you. • Do not hesitate to ask for help. When to stop working Women vary in their views as to when they decide they would like to stop working. Sometimes you are forced to stop sooner than planned if there is a problem with the pregnancy. From a

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practical point of view, working beyond 36 weeks becomes very cumbersome and tiring, and is probably not good for the placenta, especially if the work involves prolonged standing or long hours. Many women do manage to work until the baby is born (as I did in my first pregnancy), but I would not advise this. I tried to do the same with my second pregnancy, only to find that my blood pressure rose and I was forced because of that to stop. A further practical disadvantage of working to the end of your pregnancy is that you have less time to prepare your home for the arrival of the baby. There really is a ‘nesting’ instinct as term approaches, and it seems a pity if this instinct cannot be properly indulged because of work. On the other hand, whilst stopping working earlier in pregnancy allows you more time to prepare the home and to rest, it also means that your maternity leave entitlement is ticking away before the baby is even born.

Making the most of your maternity leave Having a baby alters everything. Even people who have spent their careers looking after babies (such as nannies, nurses and paediatricians) are surprised by the experience of having a child of their own. It is important to make the most of your time with your child, but the time seems even more precious when it is limited by the prospect of returning to work. Do not believe the stories about newborn babies being in a ‘coma’, or that they do not care who looks after them for the first three months of life. In my view, the early months are especially valuable for establishing the bond between mother and child, and for getting

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the baby off to a good start in his or her development and attitudes to life. Therefore, try to make the most of this period. Learning to care for the baby The first thing you will need to do is to learn how to care for your baby. During the first few days and weeks you may feel overwhelmed by the responsibility, the fatigue, and the constant demands. The thought of even being able, physically, to return to work at some stage may seem fantastic, let alone the prospect of having family and home life sufficiently organised to do so. To make your life easier, get as much support from your partner, relatives and friends as you feel you need; learn as much as you can from others or from books about what young babies are like, and what they are likely to need. Learn from your own baby by being with him or her as much as possible. Even very tiny babies are surprisingly responsive. Ensuring enough rest and managing your time Newborn babies require constant care and attention. It is more important if you are planning to return to work to make sure that responsibilities for looking after the household and the baby are shared between you and your partner or relatives. • Allocate specific jobs to particular individuals. • Plan ahead for what you will require for the baby and the home. • Make lists.

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• Make sure you have some time to rest during each day – coinciding if possible with when the baby is sleeping. • Do not rush around the house whilst the baby is asleep trying to get things done. Some things will naturally fall by the wayside – and that is normal. • Delegate! ‘It is important to wake at a regular time and make lists of important tasks in order to make the most of your day.’ (Teresa – Factory Operative) Establishing a routine in preparation for your return to work Feeding Try and establish a feeding routine towards the end of your maternity leave that will easily adapt to your return to work. If you have been breast-feeding, it is still often possible to continue doing so after returning to work. The supply of milk is usually determined by the baby’s demand for it. Thus, if you begin to reduce your breast-feeding during the day (to tie in with working), you may still be able to feed the baby on waking and on your return from work in the evening. Bear in mind, though, that breast milk production is also sensitive to diet, rest, exercise and general health. Some women go to extraordinary measures to preserve full breast-feeding for their baby even after returning to work. There are several ways of attempting to do this: • Some women are able to return home during the day for short spells. However, this can be more disruptive to the baby’s ‘routine.’

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• Some women express milk throughout the day, then freeze it. The frozen milk can then be thawed and given to the baby in the mother’s absence. Pattern to your baby’s day It helps if there is a pattern to the baby’s day that is already in place before you return to work. It is also useful if this pattern can be established for the childcarer to follow in the early weeks. Once the baby has become accustomed to your absence, making changes to his or her routine will be less disruptive. ‘Get the child into a routine and stick to it.’ (Vanessa – Physiotherapist) Shopping times Many people do their shopping on a particular day, others shop whenever the need arises. On the whole, I think it is best to organise your week around a specific shopping day, when either you or your partner or both can do a substantial shop. Babies often enjoy shopping, especially if they can see what’s going on.

Dealing with postnatal problems Childbirth is emotionally and physically draining. After the initial euphoria there can be a period of anticlimax. Feelings of inadequacy, doubts about being able to cope, worries about your appearance, and fears of reduced success at work (being ‘left behind’) can all contribute to this feeling of anticlimax.

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Coping with tiredness In trying to deal with such negative feelings, the most important thing to beat is tiredness. The best ways of combating this are: • Sleep or rest whenever the baby naps. • Forget about doing anything that is not essential for at least four weeks after the baby is born. • Make sure your partner is involved in every aspect of the baby’s care. • Always be ready to ask for help. • Try to delegate specific tasks to partner/relative/friends. • Eat and drink a healthy balanced diet. • Start a regular exercise routine. • Do a regular relaxation regime. ‘Have time to relax when your child goes to bed.’ (Teresa – Factory Operative) ‘Have time to yourself, even if it is only 10 minutes for a cup of tea.’ (Clare – Staff Nurse) Coping with depression New mothers need emotional as well as practical help in the early weeks after the birth of a new baby. Between 50% and 80% of women feel depressed or let down after childbirth. 110


Usually this is not a serious condition and the feelings are shortlived. However, about 10% of women are affected by more severe depression in the first 6-12 weeks after delivery. If this is not recognised and treated, the mother, her baby and her relationships may be harmed. Medical help may be required.

Your rights as a working mother A number of important legal rights are guaranteed by statute to mothers in employment. The main maternity rights at the time of going to press are: 1. The right to time off work for antenatal care. 2. The right not to be dismissed because of pregnancy. 3. The right to maternity leave. 4. The right to statutory maternity pay (SMP). Note: these rights only apply if you are an employee, and in some cases only if you have been continuously employed by your employer for a qualifying period. They are not available if you are self-employed. The first three of the above maternity rights are established by the Employment Rights Act 1996. The right to statutory maternity pay (SMP) by the Social Security Contributions and Benefits Act 1992. Some of this legislation is complicated, and this section summarises only the most important legislation that you need to be aware of.

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If your circumstances are unusual, or if you have a particular problem or doubt about your legal rights it would be wise to seek advice. Time off for antenatal care You are entitled to have reasonable time off work, with pay, to attend appointments for antenatal care. This may include medical examinations, relaxation classes and parent-craft classes. You must, if requested, provide your employer with a certificate from a doctor, midwife or health visitor confirming that you are pregnant, as well as an appointment card or other proof of each appointment. This right applies regardless of how long you have been employed. Dismissal because of pregnancy If you are dismissed from your employment and the reason or principal reason for dismissal is your pregnancy – or any other reason connected with your pregnancy – you have a right to make a complaint of unfair dismissal to an industrial tribunal. Again, this right applies regardless of how long you have been employed or whether you were employed on a full or parttime basis. For example, reasons ‘connected with’ your pregnancy would include dismissal because you will need to take maternity leave or because you are absent due to a miscarriage. Suspension on maternity grounds If the nature of your work is such that it involves a health or safety risk to you or your baby, either during your pregnancy or shortly after giving birth, your employer may suspend you from

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work while the risk lasts. If your employer has alternative work available which is suitable for you, you have a right to be offered such work before being suspended on these grounds. You are entitled to be paid during any such period of suspension, unless you have been offered suitable alternative work and have unreasonably refused to perform it. Maternity Leave Provided you give the necessary notification to your employer (see below), you have a statutory right to take maternity leave and return to your old job. There is a basic maternity leave period of 14 weeks, which is available to every employee. You are entitled to a longer period of leave if at the beginning of the 11th week before the week in which the baby is expected – which is the earliest date at which your maternity leave may start – you have been continuously employed by your employer for at least two years. In this case you may return to work at any time before the end of 29 weeks (beginning with the week in which you give birth) – giving you a maximum total period of 40 weeks (or nine months). It is a separate question whether you are entitled to be paid for some or all of your maternity leave: this depends upon the rules governing statutory maternity pay (see below) and the terms of your employment contract. Commencement of Maternity Leave As mentioned, the earliest that you can start your maternity leave is the beginning of the 11th week before your expected week of childbirth. Provided you remain fit to carry on working, however, you may start your maternity leave at any time after this date and before the birth of your child. It is up to you to

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decide when your leave will begin by notifying your employer (at least 21 days beforehand) of the date on which you intend to commence your leave. If, however: 1. You are absent from work wholly or partly because of your pregnancy at any time after the beginning of the sixth week before the week in which your baby is due or 2. You have to stop working at any time because your baby is born your maternity leave will be treated as having begun, even if you have notified your employer that you intend to begin your leave at a later date. Notifying your employer of pregnancy and leave In order to secure your right to maternity leave, you must provide your employer with the following, at least 21 days before you want to begin your leave: • Written notice of the fact that you are pregnant and of your expected week of childbirth – a medical certificate must confirm this if your employer asks for one. • Notice (which must be in writing if your employer so requests) of the date when you intend to begin your maternity leave. If it is not feasible to give this notice (e.g. if the baby is born prematurely), you must notify your employer as soon as is reasonably practicable.

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If you wish to take more than 14 weeks maternity leave (because you qualify through two or more years of continuous employment), then at the time when you notify your employers of your pregnancy and expected week of childbirth, you must also inform them that you intend to exercise your right to return to work after more than 14 weeks of maternity leave. Notifying your employers of your return to work If you intend to return to work at the end of your 14 week maternity leave period, you are not strictly obliged to notify your employer of the date on which you intend to return to work, though it is obviously sensible to do so. If you intend to return to work before the end of the 14 week period, you must give your employer at least 7 days notice of the date on which you intend to return. If you have a right to take more than 14 weeks maternity leave and have told your employer that you intend to exercise that right, then: • Your employer may ask you (no earlier than 21 days before the end of the 14 week period) to give written confirmation that you intend to return to work – in which case you must give such confirmation within 14 days of receiving the request. • At least 21 days before the date upon which you propose to return to work, you must notify your employer in writing of the date on which you propose to return. (You are subsequently entitled to postpone this date by up to four weeks if you give your employer a doctor’s certificate stating that you will be incapable of work on the notified day of return.)

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Make sure you give the required notification to your employer at the appropriate times, otherwise you will lose your statutory right to return to work. The right to return Provided that you have given the required notification to your employer, you have the right at the end of your maternity leave to return to your old job on the same terms as before. You are entitled to the benefit of any pay rise that you would have received had you not been away. As regards seniority, pension rights, and other similar rights, the period of absence is disregarded altogether and you are entitled to take up where you left off. Your absence counts as part of a period of continuous employment – so you do not have to wait another two years before having another baby to qualify for more than 14 weeks’ maternity leave on the next occasion! If during your maternity leave it has become impracticable for your employer to permit you to return to your old job by reason of redundancy, you are entitled – where there is a suitable vacancy – to be offered alternative employment which is appropriate for you on terms which are not substantially less favourable than your original job. There are restrictions on the right to return to work after the basic 14 week maternity leave period if you work for a small employer who employs 5 or fewer employees. Such an employer is not obliged to have you back if it is not reasonably feasible to permit you to return to your old job or to a suitable equivalent one. If you have the right to return to work but your employer does not allow you to do so, the remedy is to make a complaint of unfair dismissal to an industrial tribunal.

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Contractual Schemes Apart from the statutory right, which has been described, you may be entitled to maternity leave under the terms of your contract of employment. Where this is so, you may take advantage of whichever right is, in any particular respect, the most favourable. Statutory Maternity Pay (SMP) Provided that you satisfy certain conditions, you are entitled to receive statutory maternity pay from your employer. You do not have to be intending to return to work to qualify for SMP. You are entitled to SMP if: 1. You have been in continuous employment with the same employer for at least 26 weeks including (and ending with) the 15th week before the week your baby is due (this week is known as the ‘qualifying week’). 2. Your average weekly earnings for the period of eight weeks ending with the qualifying week (or the equivalent if you are paid monthly) were at or above the lower earnings limit for paying National Insurance contributions). The lower earnings limit is currently £64 per week. 3. You have become pregnant and have reached, or given birth before reaching, the beginning of the 11th week before the week your baby is due. 4. You have stopped working wholly or partly because of your pregnancy or the birth of your child.

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You will be able to get SMP even if your baby was born earlier than your qualifying week. How long is SMP paid for? You are entitled to be paid SMP for up to 18 weeks. The earliest it can start unless your baby is born prematurely is 11 weeks before the week your baby is due, but you can work right up to your baby’s birth without losing SMP. If this is the case, SMP will start from the Sunday following the week you stop work and will continue for 18 consecutive weeks or until you return to work. Keep a note of the period during which you received SMP. If you were not paying NI contributions during this period, credits may be awarded later to keep your NI record in order and entitle you to other benefits. How much is it? SMP is a weekly payment and there are two rates. The higher rate is 90% of your average weekly earnings, and is paid for the first six weeks. For the rest of the period payments are made at a lower flat rate. SMP is treated as earnings, so tax and NI contributions are payable on SMP as well as any other deductions that are normally taken out of your salary. Any contractual pay that you receive for any week of your maternity pay period goes to reduce or halt your employer’s liability to pay SMP for that week, and any SMP that you receive is counted towards any entitlement to pay for that week under your contract of employment.

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How to get SMP In order to receive SMP you must inform your employer of your intention to stop working to have your baby, giving at least 21 days notice. You must supply your employer with a maternity certificate stating the date your baby is due. This must be in the MATB1 form (supplied by your doctor or midwife). You cannot get this certificate until you reach the 14th week before the week in which your baby is due (normally the 27th week of pregnancy). You must give your employer this certificate no later than three weeks after the date the SMP was due to start. If you have more than one employer, you may be entitled to SMP from each one. However, to obtain a second maternity certificate you will have to have a second medical examination, as only one certificate can be issued (on the basis of any one examination, unless the original has been lost). Contractual Pay Schemes Your employer is not allowed to pay you less than your SMP entitlement. However, they may pay you more if that has been stipulated in your contract. If your employer does have a contractual maternity pay scheme, you will have to adhere to its rules if you wish to receive the benefits. It is therefore in your interest to find out as much as you can about any provisions in your contract governing maternity pay when planning maternity leave.

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Maternity Allowance This is a Social Security benefit paid weekly to some pregnant women who are not entitled to SMP. Usually this applies to women who have changed their employer recently or have had a break in service with a single employer, or who are selfemployed. However, you will only be entitled to maternity allowance if you have been employed or self-employed and satisfy the National Insurance (NI) contribution rule explained in the booklet “Maternity Benefits N1I7A.” If you are employed and your employers consider that they are not obliged to pay you SMP, they will return your forms and give you an SMP1 form on which they explain their reasons for refusing your application. How to claim Maternity Allowance You can claim maternity allowance when you reach the 14th week before the week in which your baby is due. Ask for a claim form at your social security office or maternity clinic. Fill it out carefully as the information you give will be used to calculate your allowance. Then send or take it to your social security office together with medical evidence of when the baby is due (MATB1 form). If you were employed and were given an SMP1 form, send this with your claim form. Make your claim as early as you can. Maternity allowance can be paid for up to 18 weeks, and the earliest it can be paid is the start of the 11th week before the week the baby is due. Rates of benefits are published each year in Social Security Regulations. More information can be obtained in the following booklets published by the Department of Social Security:

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• Maternity Rights (PL958). • Suspension from work on medical or maternity grounds under health and safety regulations (PL705). • Maternity Benefits (NI17A). • Baby benefits (FB8).

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6 CHILDCARE FOR THE UNDER 5S Deciding What You Want Finding the right childcare is probably the most difficult and agonised-over issue of all in the life of a working mother. The desire to find the best alternative to you in your absence can be a difficult and often not totally satisfying task. The attributes that one may seek in a childcarer include all those that we hope we ourselves possess and show to our children. However, at the same time, any mother is anxious that she should not be ‘replaced’ by the carer, but rather complemented by her. If the right childcarer is found, the relationship between him/ her and your child can add to your child’s experiences – supplementing the child’s relationship with parents, siblings and relatives in a very beneficial way. Most mothers have two main concerns about someone else looking after their child: 1. Concern over whether their child is being properly cared for. 2. Worry that the child may end up loving the carer more than them. Once you have decided that you wish to carry on working whilst raising a family, you must look very carefully at the type of childcare you require for your particular family structure at that 122

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particular time. Try and decide what you are looking for in the carer. Know ahead of time what your ground rules are going to be, rather than deciding them on the job. At the same time, be prepared to change your mind or alter your plans. The requirements of children change as they grow: the care you provide for your child must adapt accordingly if the situation is to continue to work for all concerned. Look carefully at what you expect the childcarer to do and be responsible for. Whilst there can be problems with childcarers being expected to do too much, there can also be the reverse problem – where a carer finds she does not have enough to do to fill her time. Such situations can lead to loss of interest in the job. Related to the question of what type of childcare you will require is the cost involved. This chapter is devoted to childcare for children under five years of age. I will start by outlining the differing needs of children at different ages, with a summary of the type of care they require. This will be followed by a description of the main types of childcare that are available. There are also tips about what to look for in assessing a carer, how to monitor their performance, and how to be a good employer.

What babies and children need at different ages It goes without saying that children of all ages have certain needs in common: • They need to have a varying range of things done for them and to be kept safe. • Signs of ill health or unhappiness need to be checked for. • They all require love and attention. • They require patience and deserve to be treated with respect. 123

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A child’s degree of independence increases with time. Until the age of at least two and a half years, children will be based in the home or in a home-type environment (e.g. childminder’s home or nursery). After that age, other options such as nursery school become possibilities. Later still, the child will enter full-time school and will be much more self-sufficient and independent but will still need guidance, help and supervision. Until the age of about two years, the child is not able to communicate well enough to tell you what has gone on during the day. Therefore, judging how happy a child is, or how well he/she is being looked after in your absence, has to be based on looking at the overall wellbeing of the child. Consider his/her behaviour with the carer, the response of the child when the handover takes place, and other signs, such as the child’s cleanliness. Very small baby (

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