The Gospel of the Rauschmonstrum

The Gospel of the Rauschmonstrum

By Nick La Torre

Copyright © 2016 by Nick La Torre

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without permission from the author.

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And so it was that Pilate asked him, “Are you a king then?” Jesus answered, “You say that I am a king. For this reason I have been born, and for this reason I have come into the world, that I should testify to the truth. Everyone who is of the truth listens to my voice.” To this, Pilate retorted, “What is truth?” -John 18:38

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The Nature of the Rauschmonstrum Behold for it is time to tell the Gospel of the Rauschmonstrum. There is no better way to describe the Rauschmonstrum than as a shape shifting monster, able to perform feats humans would view as miracles, or dark magic. The Rauschmonstrum’s true form was as a formless cloud of smoke. When he did not want to be seen, he was able to disappear completely from view. The Rauschmonstrum lived in a godless world. He knew this to be so because he had been around more or less as long as humanity, and had never seen anything resembling a Deity.

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The Rauschmonstrum knew not of his own origins. He had no family, nor were there any other creatures similar to him. The Rauschmonstrum could not find a purpose for himself, and he was embittered that there was no moral order to the universe. Thus, The Rauschmonstrum spent most of his time humoring himself in different ways. He would go around the globe developing his understanding of natural science. He would travel to the great cities, observing great empires as they rose and fell. He wanted to learn everything he could about human nature. After a couple of eons, the Rauschmonstrum wanted a better way to spend his time. 5

“At this point in my existence, I believe I have met every single type of person there is.” “These humans all want guidance; they want a moral code set in stone, much like I do.” “And yet there is no divine master around to set up this code.” “However, it is in man’s nature to believe those who offer them their desires, particularly when these people show they can do things regular people cannot do.” “I think I will do it myself. I will be the master they seek, and with the powers I have, I can perform any task they ask of me to prove my divinity.” It was so simple; the template for such action was already in place.

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For there had been that deluded man Abraham, who had convinced his community of Yahweh. And there was that continuation of that myth by Moses, with his staff, and supposed commandments from God. “I will take the form of a perfect figure.” “Someone whose circumstances of life and death will be so extraordinary, that his name will live forever.” “His teachings will spread the world.” “Countries will be ruled by his laws.” “Wars fought, people slain.” “It will be glorious.” “All for the sake of a few chuckles on my end.”

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And so the Rauschmonstrum started about constructing the character he would play. But then he realized something. That would be too easy. The thrill of it would run out too quickly. No, the thing to do was find someone who could carry this mission out for him. A patsy who would really believe he was chosen by God to carry out a message. The Rauschmonstrum would have this person go about their life, truly believing they were set apart from everyone else. Have this person willing to give up their life for the cause. And then at the very end, he would tell this person it was all a joke.

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The Rauschmonstrum chuckled at the thought of his scheme. “This will all work out beautifully.”

The Rauschmonstrum’s Search And so the Rauschmonstrum set about finding a man through whom he could carry out his plans. Now in those days there were many preachers going about Galilee, speaking out in favor of reforms in Jewish law and sometimes in favor of rebellion against the Roman occupation. The Rauschmonstrum did not care for the Romans, nor did he care for regulations laid out in Jewish law, nor did he care for the Pharisees and Sadducees who held these regulations dear. He 9

decided that whoever he chose to do his bidding would need to be against these things as well. The Rauschmonstrum traveled all around Judea, observing different preachers, until one day he met a man he believed had what he was looking for.

John the Baptist Prepares the Way The Rauschmonstrum came upon John the Baptist in the wilderness, preaching a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins. The whole Judean countryside and all the people of Jerusalem went out to hear his message. They confessed their sins to him and he baptized them in the Jordan River. 10

John wore clothing made out of camel’s hair, with a leather belt around his waist. He ate wild honey and locusts. “What should we do?” the crowds often asked him. John would answer, “He who has two shirts should share with the one who has none, and he who has food should do the same.” Even the tax collectors came to him to be baptized. “Teacher,” they would ask, “What is it we should do?” “Never collect any more than you are required to,” he told them. Then some soldiers asked him, “And what should we do?” He replied to them, “Do not extort money and do not accuse people falsely.

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It would be wise of you to be content with your pay.” The people all waited keenly. They were all wondering in their hearts and minds if John might possibly be the Messiah. The Rauschmonstrum understood the power John had on those who came to see him. “They look at him, and they conceive of him as a god. This man has the qualities I am looking for.” But then the Rauschmonstrum heard John say something that made him curious, for John said: “After me there will be another more powerful than I, I will not be worthy to untie the straps on his sandals. I may baptize you with water, but he will baptize you with the Holy Spirit.”

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While the Rauschmonstrum did not know what John was referring to when he mentioned the Holy Spirit, it was evident that what John said had energized the crowd. “This John knows of someone who is even better than he is at what he does?” The Rauschmonstrum thought. “I must meet this man.”

The First Appearance of Jesus The Rauschmonstrum did not have to wait too long, for the very next day John saw Jesus coming down the road toward him and said: “Look, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world! This is who I spoke of when I said that the time would come 13

when a man would surpass me. I myself have never met him, but the very reason I came to the Jordan to baptize all of you was that he may one day be revealed.” The Rauschmonstrum studied Jesus as he approached. He noticed that while he looked like John and wore similar clothes, there was a calmness and serenity to him which John lacked. John was in a state of mania all the time. Then John made this statement: “I witnessed the Spirit descend down from Paradise in the form of a dove and fix itself within him. A voice then spoke to me. ‘The man whom you see the Spirit come down and go within is the one who will baptize with the Holy Spirit.’ I can testify that this is the true Chosen One of God.”

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“John really is taken with this man, I must look into his background, and find out as much as I can” said the Rauschmonstrum. With this, the Rauschmonstrum went on his way.

The Rauschmonstrum Learns About the Life of Jesus The Rauschmonstrum learned much about the life of Jesus. He learned that he lived in Nazareth, and that he was the son of a carpenter named Joseph and his wife Mary. The Rauschmonstrum also learned that there were several strange stories which were whispered about Jesus within the area.

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The Birth of Jesus One of stories the Rauschmonstrum heard was the rumored circumstances of Jesus’ birth. The story went like this: “Now in those days, a decree went out from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be enrolled in a census. All went to enroll themselves, everyone to his own city. Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judea, to David’s city, which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and family of David; to enroll himself with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him as wife, and who was pregnant. While they were there, the day had come for her to give birth. She gave

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birth to Jesus. She wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in the manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.” Now, thus far, the Rauschmonstrum found nothing strange about the story of Jesus’ birth. However, the Rauschmonstrum had been living in this region of the world for quite some time and had never heard any news of Caesar Augustus (whom the Rauschmonstrum had known quite well during the man’s reign) ordering people to return to their hometowns for a census. “That all sounds like it would have been a logistical nightmare” thought the Rauschmonstrum.

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All that aside, it was at this point of the story that things got strange, for as the Rauschmonstrum heard: “There were shepherds in the same country staying in the field, and keeping watch by night over their flock. Behold, an angel of the Lord stood by them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. The angel said to them, ‘Don’t be afraid, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be to all the people. For there is born to you today, in David’s city, a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. This is the sign to you: you will find a baby wrapped in strips of cloth, lying in a manger.’ Suddenly, there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly army praising God and singing. When the angels went away from them, the shepherds said to one another,’ Let us go to Bethlehem, now, and see this 18

thing that has happened, which the Lord has made known to us.’ they came to the manger swiftly, and found both Mary, Joseph, and the baby. When the shepherds saw it, they publicized widely the saying which was spoken to them about this child. All who heard it wondered at the things which the shepherds had told them. Mary kept all these sayings, pondering them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, just as it was told them. The Rauschmonstrum heard variants of this story from several neighbors of Jesus back in Nazareth, which was where he grew up. Of course the Rauschmonstrum knew the story was a lie because there were no angels. “If there were angels, then certainly during the long, long years of 19

my existence I would have seen one by now” he thought. However the story was important to the Rauschmonstrum because he knew that what the shepherds had told Mary and Joseph must have had an effect on how they viewed their child and this being the case, the story must have had a seminal impact on the way Jesus of Nazareth viewed himself.

The Boy Jesus at the Temple The second story the Rauschmonstrum heard about Jesus of Nazareth’s life backed up the ideas the Rauschmonstrum had formed after hearing the first story.

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“When Jesus was twelve years old, him and his family went up to Jerusalem according to the custom of the feast, and when the feast had been finished, as Mary and Joseph were returning, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem. Joseph and Mary believed that he was still in the company. They went a day’s journey, before they realized he was missing, and looked for him among their relatives and acquaintances. When they were not able to find him, they returned to Jerusalem, looking for him. After three days they found him in the temple, sitting in the middle of the teachers, both listening to them, and asking them questions. All who heard him were amazed at his understanding and his answers. 21

When they saw him, they were astonished, and his mother said to him, ‘Son, why have you treated us this way? Behold, your father and I were anxiously looking for you.’ He said to them, ‘Why were you looking for me? Didn’t you know that I must be in my Father’s house?’ They didn’t understand the saying which he spoke to them.” However, the Rauschmonstrum did understand what it was that Jesus had meant by this. “This Nazarene believes that he is the son of God,” The Rauschmonstrum thought. “All that I have to do is make miracles perform around him to cement his belief. After that, it will be as though he is my puppet.”

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The Baptism of Jesus It happened that soon after the Rauschmonstrum first encountered Jesus, Jesus was baptized by John in the Jordan River. This pleased the Rauschmonstrum greatly, for it was the perfect opportunity to cement Jesus’ belief that he was the son of God. Just as Jesus was coming up out of the water, the Rauschmonstrum created the vision of heaven being torn open and of a dove descending on Jesus, which the Rauschmonstrum knew would be believed to be a representation of the Holy Spirit. (Whatever it was the Holy Spirit was supposed to be. The Rauschmonstrum still was not sure.) The Rauschmonstrum made it seem as though a voice came from heaven, and it

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said: “You are my beloved son, with whom I am well pleased.” The Rauschmonstrum noticed that neither Jesus nor John was surprised by what had just occurred, they took it in stride. “It has begun” the Rauschmonstrum thought.

The Temptation of Jesus The Rauschmonstrum needed to be sure that Jesus would not waver from his belief in God, nor his moral behavior. And so, he decided to test him. When Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit (or so he thought), returned from the Jordan, the Rauschmonstrum lead him into the wilderness for forty days and forty 24

nights. Jesus ate nothing during those forty days and nights, and when they were ended, he was hungry. The Rauschmonstrum then appeared to him in the form of what he figured the Devil should look like (The horns, the hooves, the pitchfork, and everything else). He said to him, “If you are the Son of God, order this stone to become bread.” And Jesus answered him, “It is written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone.’” In response, the Rauschmonstrum, in the form of Devil, took him up and showed him all the kingdoms of the world in a moment of time, and said to him, “To you I will give all this power and glory, for it has been kept in my care, and I give it to whom I will. If you will worship me, then it will all be

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yours.” And Jesus answered him, “It is written, “‘You shall worship the Lord God, and only him shall you serve.’” And so the Rauschmonstrum took Jesus to Jerusalem and placed him on the apex of the temple and said to him, “If you are truly the Son of God, throw yourself down from here, for as it is written in the scriptures of old, “‘He will order his angels in charge of you, to guard you,’ and “‘With their might they will bear you up, lest you dash your foot against a stone.’” To this Jesus answered him, “It is said, ‘You will not put the Lord your God to the test.’” And when the

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Rauschmonstrum had ended every temptation, he departed from Jesus until an opportune time. “His faith is strong. His work may escalate now.”

Jesus Goes To His Hometown Jesus went back to Galilee. Stories about him began spreading all over the area of Galilee. He began to teach in the synagogues, and all those who heard him, praised him. Jesus traveled back to Nazareth, the town where he grew up. On the day of the Sabbath he went to the synagogue as he had done so many times before. He stood up to read. The book of Isaiah the prophet was given to him. He opened

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the book and found the place where this passage is written: “The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to heal the broken hearted, to proclaim release to the captives, recovering of sight to the blind, to deliver those who are crushed, and to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord.” Jesus closed the book, gave it back to the helper, and sat down. As everyone in the synagogue watched him closely, he began to speak to them. He said, “While you heard me reading these words just now, they were coming true!” Everyone there said good things about Jesus. They were amazed to hear him

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speak such words. They said, “How is this possible? Isn’t he Joseph’s son?” Jesus said to them “Doubtless you have heard this parable. Most certainly I tell you, no prophet is acceptable in his hometown. But truly I tell you, there were many widows in Israel in the days of Elijah, when the sky was shut up three years and six months, when a great famine came over all the land. Elijah was sent to none of them, except to Zarephath, in the land of Sidon, to a woman who was a widow. There were many lepers in Israel in the time of Elisha the prophet, yet not one of them was cleansed.” When the people in the synagogue heard these things, they were filled with wrath. The Rauschmonstrum could not understand why they were so angry, for

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he himself did not comprehend much of Jesus’ lecture, and the Rauschmonstrum was perhaps the foremost expert on Judaic scripture in the world. The people rose up, and threw Jesus out of the city. They then led him to the edge of the cliff that their city was built on, so that they might throw him off the cliff. But the Rauschmonstrum used his power to put a protective spell on Jesus. Jesus then walked through the middle of the crowd, unharmed, and went away. The Rauschmonstrum spent much time afterwards thinking about the way the Nazarenes had reacted, saying to himself “I have given them perhaps the most benevolent man even seen here, and yet they wish to destroy him.” This experience solidified the Rauschmonstrum’s belief that mankind

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deserved whatever tricks he played on them.

Jesus Calls His First Disciples One day Jesus went off to the Lake of Gennesaret. As he stood by the lake, people began crowding around him and listening to him as he spoke. He saw that at the edge of the water there were two boats, left there by fishermen, washing their nets. Jesus got into one of the boats, the one which belonged to Simon, also known as Peter, and asked him to go a little farther from shore. Then Jesus sat down and began teaching people from the boat. When Jesus finished speaking, he said to Simon Peter, “Pull out into the deep

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water, and let the nets down so that you may catch.” Peter responded, “Teacher, we have worked hard all night and have not caught anything. However, because you ask me so, I will let down the nets.” When the fishermen had done this, the Rauschmonstrum worked his abilities so that they caught such a large number of fish that their nets were unable to take the strain, and began to break. They beckoned to their partners in the other boat, that they should come and help them. They came, and filled both boats, so that they began to sink. Simon Peter, believing that Jesus was responsible for this, fell down at Jesus’ knees, saying, “Depart from me, for I am a sinful man, Lord.” For he was amazed, and all who were with him, at the catch 32

of fish which they had caught; and so also were James and John, who were friends with Simon. Then Jesus said to Simon, “Don’t be afraid; from now on you will fish for people.” So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him. The Rauschmonstrum was pleased, for he felt these men had the qualities to be good disciples for the Nazarene, most importantly an unquestioning nature.

Jesus Changes Water into Wine There was a wedding in Cana in Galilee. Jesus’ mother was in attendance, and Jesus had also been invited to the wedding along with his disciples. When the wine had all been finished, Jesus’

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mother said to him, “They have no more wine.” Jesus said to her, “Woman, what does that have to do with you and me? My hour has not yet come.” The Rauschmonstrum, watching on, thought this was a terrible way for Jesus to talk to his mother, and did not understand what he meant when he said “My hour has not yet come” since Jesus had already begun preaching and purporting to have performed miracles. Jesus’ mother turned to the servants and said, “Whatever he says to you, do it.” Nearby there were six water jars made of stone, the kind of jars used by the Jews for the purposes of ceremonial washing. Each jar held from twenty to thirty gallons.

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Jesus said to the servants “Fill the jars with water”; so the servants filled them to the brim. When this was done, the Rauschmonstrum transfigured the water into wine. Then Jesus told them, “Now draw some out and take it to the one who is in charge of the banquet.” So they took it. When the ruler of the feast tasted the water now become wine, and didn’t know where it came from, the ruler of the feast called the bridegroom, and said to him, “Everyone serves the good wine first, and when the guests have drunk freely, then that which is worse. You have kept the good wine until now!” What the Rauschmonstrum made it look as though Jesus did here in Cana of Galilee was the first of the signs through 35

which he revealed his glory; and his disciples believed in him. While the Rauschmonstrum liked that this miracle inspired belief in Jesus’ disciples, and others around, he was not pleased that it had come in this manner. “Turning water into wine is the stuff of parlor tricks, not for something to be looked upon from the son of God,” thought the Rauschmonstrum.

Jesus Questioned About Fasting John’s disciples and the Pharisees were fasting, and the Pharisees came and asked Jesus, “Why is it that we fast and John’s disciples fast, but your disciples do not fast?” Jesus said to them, “Can the groomsmen fast while the bridegroom is with them? 36

As long as they have the bridegroom with them, they can’t fast. But the days will come when the bridegroom will be taken away from them, and then will they fast in that day. No one sews a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment, or else the patch shrinks and the new tears away from the old, and a worse hole is made. No one puts new wine into old wineskins, or else the new wine will burst the skins, and the wine pours out, and the skins will be destroyed; but they put new wine into fresh wineskins.” “What in the world is the Nazarene talking about?” thought the Rauschmonstrum. “He really must get better at telling stories to illustrate points. I could not make sense of any of that”

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Jesus and the Sabbath One day Jesus was going on the Sabbath day through the grain fields, and his disciples began, as they went, to pluck the ears of grain. The Pharisees said to him, “Behold, why do they do that which is not lawful on the Sabbath day?” He said to them, “Did you never read what David did, when he had need, and was hungry—he, and those who were with him? How he entered into God’s house and ate the show bread, which is not lawful to eat except for the priests, and gave also to those who were with him?” He said to them, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath. Therefore the Son of Man is Lord even of the Sabbath.” 38

The Rauschmonstrum was pleased by what Jesus had said about the Sabbath, for he was tired of that day being taken so seriously. He had seen and heard of too many instances in the past where men were killed for doing things as innocent as gathering wood on that day.

How John the Baptist’s Work came To an End While Jesus was beginning his ministry, John the Baptist made the mistake of criticizing Herod, the ruler of Galilee, for marrying Herodias, who had previously been Herod’s brother’s wife. John also criticized many other bad things Herod had done. In response, Herod put John in jail.

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“For a man as foolish as this, I am surprised he was not jailed sooner,” thought the Rauschmonstrum. He was pleased that John was no longer around, as it made sure he would not be a rival of Jesus’ later on. The time came when John the Baptist was executed through the orders of King Herod as well, and when this happened, the Rauschmonstrum was not surprised by that either.

Jesus Heals a Man with Leprosy A man with leprosy came to him and went down on both knees, and began begging him. “If it is your will, you have the power to make me clean.” Tears streamed down the man’s face.

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Being moved with compassion, Jesus stretched out his hand, and touched him, and said to him, “It is my will. Be made clean.” Immediately the leprosy left him and he was cleansed. Jesus said to him, “See you say nothing to anybody, but go show yourself to the priest, and offer for you are cleansing the things which Moses commanded, as a testimony to them.” But he went out, and began to proclaim it much, and to spread about what had happened, so that Jesus could no more openly enter into a city, but was outside in desert places: and they came to him from everywhere. The Rauschmonstrum, however, was pleased that the man had spread the news, for it gave Jesus a larger following.

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Jesus Forgives and Heals a Paralyzed Man When he entered again into Capernaum after some days, it was heard that he was in a house there. Immediately many were gathered together, so that there was no more room, not even around the door; and he spoke the word to them. Four people came, carrying a paralytic to him. When the crowd prevented them from getting near to him, they removed the roof where Jesus was. When they had broken it up, they let down the mat that the paralytic was lying on. Jesus, seeing their faith, said to the paralytic, “Son, your sins are forgiven.”

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But there were some of the scribes sitting there, and reasoning in their hearts, “Why does this man speak blasphemies like that? Who can forgive sins but God alone?” The Rauschmonstrum was confused for completely different reasons. He knew that physical maladies were not caused by sins, and found it absurd that humans could think that they were.

The realization came to him that whatever flaws the Nazarene had in his thinking would be thought of as facts for generations if the Rauschmonstrum succeeded in his mission. However, he did not have the desire or inclination to alter how the Nazarene went about his business.

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Would-Be Followers of Jesus As they went on the way, a certain man said to him, “I want to follow you wherever you go, Lord.” Jesus said to him, “The foxes have holes, and the birds of the sky have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.” Jesus then said to another man, “Follow me!” But this man said, “Lord, allow me first to go and bury my father.” But Jesus said to him, “Leave the dead to bury their own dead, but you go and announce God’s Kingdom.” Another also said, “I want to follow you, Lord, but first allow me to say good-bye to those who are at my house.” 44

But Jesus said to him, “No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for God’s Kingdom.” The Rauschmonstrum was struck by the bluntness with which Jesus spoke to these men, and thought that for him to refuse a man who wished to attend to the burial of his father ran counter to the compassion the Nazarene had been showing the afflicted.

A Samaritan Village Refuses to Receive Jesus It came to pass, when the days were near that he should be taken up, he intently set his face to go to Jerusalem, and sent messengers before his face. They went, and entered into a village of the Samaritans, so as to 45

prepare for him. They did not receive him, because he was traveling with his face set towards Jerusalem. When his disciples, James and John, saw this, they said, “Lord, do you want us to command fire to come down from the sky, and destroy them?” The Rauschmonstrum was worried, for he did not want to burn down the village, and he knew that if Jesus desired for fire to come down on the village, he would have no choice but to make this happen ‘lest he damage Jesus’ credibility. But to the Rauschmonstrum’s relief, Jesus turned and rebuked his disciples, “You don’t know of what kind of spirit you are. For the Son of Man didn’t come to destroy men’s lives, but to save them.” 46

The Rauschmonstrum said to himself, “Honestly I did not know how the Nazarene would respond to his disciples in this scenario, just as it was that a few days ago I never would have believed he would turn away a man who wanted to bury his father, yet that is exactly what occurred. There are great contradictions in this man’s behavior.”

Jesus Heals a Man Born Blind As Jesus passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “Neither did this man sin, nor his parents; but, that the works of God might be revealed in him. I must work the works of him who sent me, 47

while it is day. The night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.” When he had said this, he spat on the ground, made mud with the saliva, touched the blind man’s eyes with the mud, and said to him, “Go, wash in the pool of Siloam.” So the man went away, washed, and as a result of the Rauschmonstrum’s power, he came back seeing. The neighbors therefore, and those who saw that he was blind before, said, “Is this not he who sat and begged?” Others were saying, “It is he.” Still others were saying, “He looks like him, yet this man can see, so it cannot be him.” The man replied again and again to their questions, “I am he.” They therefore 48

were asking him, “How were your eyes opened?” He answered, “A man called Jesus made mud, anointed my eyes, and said to me, ‘Go to the pool of Siloam, and wash.’ So I went away and washed, and I received sight.” Then they asked him, “Where is he?” He said, “I don’t know.” They brought him who had been blind to the Pharisees. It was a Sabbath when Jesus made the mud and opened his eyes. Again therefore the Pharisees also asked him how he received his sight. He said to them, “He put mud on my eyes, I washed, and I see.” The Pharisees said, “This man is not from God, because he doesn’t keep the

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Sabbath.” Others said, “How can a man who is a sinner do such signs?” There was division among them. Therefore they asked the blind man again, “What do you say about him, because he opened your eyes?” He said, “He is a prophet.” The Jews therefore did not believe that he had been blind, and had received his sight, until they called the parents of him who had received his sight, and asked them, “Is this your son, whom you say was born blind? How then does he now see?” His parents answered them, “We know that this is our son, and that he was born blind; but how he now sees, we don’t know; or who opened his eyes, we don’t know. He is of age. Ask him. He will 50

speak for himself.” His parents said these things because they feared the Jews; for the Jews had already agreed that if any man would confess him as Christ, he would be put out of the synagogue. Therefore his parents said, “He is of age. Ask him.” So they called the man who was blind a second time, and said to him, “Give glory to God. We know that this man is a sinner.” He therefore answered, “I don’t know if he is a sinner. One thing I do know: that though I was blind, now I see.” They said to him again, “What did he do to you? How did he open your eyes?” He answered them, “I told you already, and you didn’t listen. Why do you want

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to hear it again? You don’t also want to become his disciples, do you?” They insulted him and said, “You are his disciple, but we are disciples of Moses. We know that God has spoken to Moses. But as for this man, we don’t know where he comes from.” The man answered them, “How amazing! You don’t know where he comes from, yet he opened my eyes. We know that God doesn’t listen to sinners, but if anyone is a worshiper of God, and does his will, he listens to him. Since the world began it has never been heard of that anyone opened the eyes of someone born blind. If this man were not from God, he could do nothing.”

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They answered him, “You were altogether born in sins, and do you teach us?” They threw him out. The Rauschmonstrum was an onlooker for these proceedings, and was disgusted by what he saw. “These Pharisees care more that this man does not follow their rigid rules, than they do that he is able to see after a life of blindness. How can the masses accomplish anything in this world, when such crippling regulations are laid upon them?”

Spiritual Blindness Jesus heard that they had thrown him out, and finding him, he said, “Do you believe in the Son of God?”

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He answered, “Who is he, Lord, that I may believe in him?” Jesus said to him, “You have both seen him, and it is he who speaks with you.” He said, “Lord, I believe!” and he worshiped him. Jesus said, “I came into this world for judgment, that those who don’t see may see; and that those who see may become blind.” Those of the Pharisees who were with him heard these things, and said to him, “Are we also blind?” Jesus said to them, “If you were blind, you would have no sin; but now you say, ‘We see.’ Therefore your sin remains.” The Rauschmonstrum was proud of how Jesus had stood up to the Pharisees. “I 54

may have much disagreement with my Nazarene, however he does not lack in chutzpah.”

Jesus Restores a DemonPossessed Man Jesus and his disciples went across the lake to the region of the Gerasenes. When Jesus got out of the boat, a man whom the Rauschmonstrum had possessed came out from the tombs to meet him. This man lived within the tombs, to protect others from him, and no one could bind him anymore, not even with a chain. As it was, he had often been chained hand and foot, but he tore the chains apart and broke the irons on his feet. No one was strong enough to

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subdue him. Night and day among the tombs and in the hills he would cry out and cut himself with stones. When it was that he saw Jesus from a distance, he ran and fell on his knees in front of him. The possessed man shouted at the top of his voice, “What do you want with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? In God’s name do not torture me!” Jesus had said to him, “Come out of this man, you impure spirit!” Then Jesus asked the demons he believed were within him, “What is your name?” “My name is Legion,” he answered, “for we are many.” The Rauschmonstrum from within the man begged Jesus again and again not to send them out of the area.

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Now, a large herd of pigs were feeding over on the nearby hillside. The man, by way of the Rauschmonstrum, begged Jesus, “Send us over to the pigs; allow us to go into them.” With this, The Rauschmonstrum left the man and went into the pigs. The herd of pigs, about two thousand in number, rushed down the steep bank into the lake and was drowned. The men tending the pigs ran away and reported what they had seen to the town and countryside, and the people went out to see what had happened. When they reached Jesus, they saw the man who they had believed had been possessed by the legion of demons, sitting there, fully clothed, and in his right state of mind; and so they were afraid.

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Those who had seen it told the people what had happened to the man they thought had been possessed by demons, and told about the pigs as well. Then the people began to plead with Jesus to depart from their region. As Jesus was just getting into the boat with his disciples, the man who had been possessed by the Rauschmonstrum begged to go with him. Jesus would not let him. He said, “Go home to your own people and tell them how much I have done for you, and how much mercy I have had on you.” So the man went away and began to tell those all around him how much Jesus had done for him. And so, all the people were amazed.

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The Sermon on the Mount Jesus was going throughout all Galilee, teaching in their synagogues and proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom, and healing every kind of disease and every kind of sickness among the people. The news about Him spread throughout the entire region; and they brought to Him all who were ill, those suffering with various diseases and pains, demoniacs, epileptics, paralytics; and He healed them. Large crowds followed Him from Galilee and the Decapolis and Jerusalem and Judea and from beyond the Jordan. When Jesus saw the crowds, He went up on the mountain; and after He sat down,

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His disciples came to Him. He opened His mouth and began to teach them, saying, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” “Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth.” “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.” “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.” “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.” “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.”

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“Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” “Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.” “You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt has become tasteless, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot by men.” “You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it 61

under a basket, but on the lamp stand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.” “Do not think that I came to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I did not come to abolish but to fulfill. For truly I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or stroke shall pass from the Law until all is accomplished. Whoever then annuls one of the least of these commandments, and teaches others to do the same, shall be called least in the kingdom of heaven; but whoever keeps and teaches them, he shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.”

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“For I say to you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.” “For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?” “Look

at the birds of the air, that they do

not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? And why are you worried about clothing?”

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“Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith!” “Do

not worry then, saying, ‘What will

we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”

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“So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Now Jesus said many other things while giving the Sermon on the Mount, however it was these passages which fascinated the Rauschmonstrum the most. As he watched the large crowd listening, he gained a greater understanding of the vast power of the Nazarene’s message. “He is telling them that to be poor and weak is being than being rich and strong. He is telling them to forgive others for the wrongs they have committed against them. With a message such as this, he will surely spread faster than any other philosopher the world has ever known. For the people to accept what Jesus tells them here will allow them to accept the 65

calamities and tragedies that befall their lives with greater ease and optimism than any other system of thought I have yet heard of. He is an opiate, and they will feast on him with unquenchable appetite.” Jesus finished up with his mountaintop sermon: “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock. Everyone who hears these words of mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. The rain fell, and

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the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and it fell— and great was its fall.” When Jesus had finished these words, the crowds were amazed at His teaching; for He was teaching them as one having true authority.

Jesus Feeds the Five Thousand Jesus and his disciples went away in a boat by themselves off to a place where they could be alone. However, many people who saw them leaving recognized them for who they were and ran on foot from all the towns and got there ahead of them. When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he was filled with compassion for them, because to him it

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was as though they were sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things. By this time it was late in the day, so his disciples came to him and said “Master, this is a solitary place and it is already very late. Send these people away so that they can go to the surrounding countryside and villages. There they will be able to buy themselves something to eat.” But Jesus answered, “It is we who should give them something to eat.” The disciples were taken aback. They responded, “That would take more than half a year’s wages! Are we to go and spend that much on bread and give it to them to eat?” “Go and see how many loaves of bread you have” Jesus advised. 68

They went to see how many, then returned, and said, “Five—and two fish.” And so, Jesus directed them to have all the people sit down in groups on the grass. The people sat down in large groups of hundreds and fifties. Jesus took the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven. He gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then Jesus gave them to his disciples so that they may distribute to the people. Jesus also divided the two fish among them all. They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces of bread and fish. The number of the men who had eaten was five thousand. All of this, of course, was due to the efforts of the Rauschmonstrum.

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Jesus Walks on the Water Immediately after the feeding, Jesus made his disciples get into the boat and go on ahead to the other side, to another city, while he dismissed the crowd. After saying farewell to them, he went up to the mountaintop to pray. When evening came, the boat was in the middle of the sea, and Jesus was alone on the land. When he saw that they were straining at the oars against a strong wind, he approached them, walking on the sea. He was able to do this through the willpower of the Rauschmonstrum. When the Disciples saw him walking on the sea, they believed it to be a ghost and cried out in fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them and said, “Do not fear for, it is I; do not be afraid.” And then he got into the boat 70

with them and the wind died down (not by way of the Rauschmonstrum this time, but by complete chance). And the disciples were utterly astounded. And when Jesus and his disciple had crossed over, they came to land and fastened the boat to the shore. The people on the shore recognized Jesus as soon as he got out of the boat. They ran around the whole neighborhood and began to bring sick and damaged people to any place they heard he was. And wherever it was he went, be it in villages, cities, or country, the people lay their sick in the market places, and appealed to him that they might touch even the edge of his tunic. Those who touched it were made well through the power of the Rauschmonstrum.

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The Parable of the Lost Sheep and the Lost Coin Now the tax collectors and sinners were all gathering around to hear Jesus. The Pharisees and the scribes murmured, saying, “This man welcomes sinners, and eats with them.” He told them this parable. “Which of you men, if you had one hundred sheep, and lost one of them, wouldn’t leave the ninety-nine in the wilderness, and go after the one that was lost, until he found it? When he has found it, he carries it on his shoulders, rejoicing. When he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep which was lost!’ I tell you that even so there will be more 72

joy in heaven over one sinner who repents, than over ninety-nine righteous people who need no repentance.” “The Nazarene is in need of some rebuttal over this sheep story of his.” thought the Rauschmonstrum. And so, he took the form of a shepherd and approached Jesus. “Rabbi,” began the Rauschmonstrum in his new form. “I am a shepherd, and if I were to lose one of my sheep, I would never leave the others to go looking for the lost one. Even if I were to find it, many of my other sheep may be lost while I was away. My father and grandfather were also shepherds, and I know that they never would have behaved in such a way either.” When the Rauschmonstrum had finished, Jesus responded by crouching down and 73

writing in the ground with his finger. Those in attendance looked at themselves, wondering what the Nazarene was doing. After doing this for a while, Jesus got up and addressed the crowd again, telling another parable. “Or what woman, if she had ten coins, if she lost one drachma coin, wouldn’t light a lamp, sweep the house, and seek diligently until she found it? When she has found it, she calls together her friends and neighbors, saying, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found the coin which I had lost.’ Even so, I tell you, there is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner repenting.” The Rauschmonstrum was not impressed by this new parable either, neither were the sinners, or the Pharisees, or the others in attendance. In fact, the opinion

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of most in attendance was that it was a weaker story than the one about the sheep. Jesus sensed this and looked up above, as if expecting Yahweh and the angels of heaven to divinely inspire a new parable for him.

The Parable of the Prodigal Son After taking some more time to think, Jesus continued with yet another parable. He said: “A certain man had two sons. The younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of your property.’ The father divided his livelihood between them. Not many days after, the younger son gathered all of

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this together and traveled into a far country. There he wasted his property with riotous living. When he had spent all of it, there arose a severe famine in that country and he began to be in need. He went and joined himself to one of the citizens of that country, and he sent him into his fields to feed pigs. He wanted to fill his belly with the husks that the pigs ate, but no one gave him any. But when he came to himself he said, ‘How many hired servants of my father’s have bread enough to spare, and I’m dying with hunger! I will get up and go to my father, and will tell him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in your sight. I am no more worthy to be called

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your son. Make me as one of your hired servants.”’ “He arose, and came to his father. But while he was still far off, his father saw him, and was moved with compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him. The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in your sight. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’” “But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring out the best robe, and put it on him. Put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. Bring the fattened calf, kill it, and let us eat, and celebrate; for this, my son, was dead, and is alive again. He was lost, and is found.’ They began to celebrate.”

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“Now his elder son was in the field. As he came near to the house, he heard music and dancing. He called one of the servants to him, and asked what was going on. He said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf, because he has received him back safe and healthy.’ But he was angry, and would not go in. Therefore his father came out, and begged him. But he answered his father, ‘Behold, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed a commandment of yours, but you never gave me a goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this, your son, came, who has devoured your living with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him.’

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“He said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. But it was appropriate to celebrate and be glad, for this, your brother, was dead, and is alive again. He was lost, and is found.’” When Jesus finished his story, the Rauschmonstrum was pleased. He saw that those in attendance enjoyed this story. “My Nazarene has recovered well, for that was truly a better parable than before, although I still have my skepticism of Jesus’ preference of people who have returned to moral ways after a lifetime of sin over those who have remained righteous their entire lives. It seems to me that the father’s behavior is apt to alienate the righteous son, and turn him to sin.”

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However, as usual, the Rauschmonstrum kept all of this to himself, and moved on with Jesus and the disciples.

The Woman Caught in Adultery Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. Now very early in the morning, he came again into the temple, and all the people came to him. He sat down, and taught them. The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman taken in adultery. Having set her in the middle, they told him, “Teacher, we found this woman in adultery, in the very act. Now in our law, Moses commanded us to stone such women. What then do you say about her?” They said this testing him, that they might have something to accuse him of. 80

Jesus stooped down, and wrote on the ground with his finger. When they continued asking him, he looked up and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him throw the first stone at her.”Again he stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground. The Pharisees, thinking about what he said, became convicted by their conscience, and went out from the temple one by one. Jesus was left alone with the woman where she was, in the middle. Jesus, standing up, saw her and said, “Woman, where are your accusers? Did no one condemn you?” She said, “No one, Lord.”

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Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you. Go your way. From now on, sin no more.” The woman left. The Rauschmonstrum was very pleased with how Jesus had handled the situation, knowing that the Pharisees had been trying to bait the Nazarene into saying something they’d be able to charge him with blasphemy over. The Rauschmonstrum was also pleased because he thought it astoundingly cruel for adultery to be punishable by death, and he was dumbfounded over how most of the world put such rigid restrictions on sexual behavior. “If this Nazarene’s teachings really do last for millennia,” he thought, “I hope permissive sexuality is a central tenant.”

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The Rich and the Kingdom of God One day a certain rich man came to Jesus and said, “Good teacher, what good thing shall I do, that I may have eternal life?” Jesus said to him, “Why do you call me good? No one is good but one, that is, God. But if you want to enter into life, keep the commandments.” The man said to him, “Which ones?” Jesus said, “‘You shall not murder.’ ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ ‘You shall not steal.’ ‘You shall not offer false testimony.’ ‘Honor your father and mother.’ And, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’”

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The young man said to him, “All these things I have observed from the time of my youth. What do I still lack, for whatever it may be, I will do it?” Jesus said to him, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell what you have, and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.” But when the young man heard this, he left quite sad, for he was one who had a great deal of possessions. Jesus said to his disciples, “Most certainly I say to you, a rich man will enter into the Kingdom of Heaven with difficulty. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through a needle’s eye, than for a rich man to enter into God’s Kingdom.”

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Since the Rauschmonstrum himself did not have any money, or material objects (nor, of course, did he need any) he could not find a way to object to what the Nazarene had said. However, he knew Jesus’ viewpoint on this matter would be very unpopular. “It will not catch on with the masses” he thought.

Jesus Blesses Little Children The people around were bringing little children to Jesus, that he should touch them and put his blessings on them, but the disciples rebuked those who were bringing them to him. But when Jesus saw it, he was moved with indignation, and said to them, “Allow the little children to come to me! Don’t forbid them, for God’s 85

Kingdom belongs to such as these. Most certainly I tell you, whoever will not receive God’s Kingdom like a little child, he will in no way enter into it.” He took them in his arms, and blessed them. “Smart move by the Nazarene,” thought the Rauschmonstrum. “For what can be better for a religion than to claim gullibility to be a virtue?”

The Parable of the Good Samaritan On one occasion a certain lawyer stood up and tested him, saying, “Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?” He answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your soul, and you will love your neighbor as yourself.” 86

The lawyer then asked Jesus, “But who is my neighbor?” Jesus answered, as he often liked to do, with a parable: “A certain man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and he fell among robbers, who both stripped him and beat him, and departed, leaving him half dead. By chance a certain priest was going down that way. When he saw him, he passed by on the other side. In the same way a Levite also, when he came to the place, and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a certain Samaritan, as he traveled, came where he was. When he saw him, he was moved with compassion, came to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. He set him on his own 87

animal, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him. On the next day, when he departed, he took out two denarii coins, and gave them to the host, and said to him, ‘Take care of him. Whatever you spend beyond that, I will repay you when I return.’ Now which of these three do you think seemed to be a neighbor to him who fell among the robbers?” He said, “He who showed mercy on him.” Then Jesus said to him, “Go and do likewise.” The Rauschmonstrum was delighted by what he had heard. “My my, the Nazarene really has developed into a masterful parable teller.”

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The Death of Lazarus Now a man from Bethany named Lazarus was sick. His sisters, Mary and Martha, sent word to Jesus, “Lord, the one you love is sick.” Now, it had been known for some time that Lazarus had been ill, so for Mary and Martha to send word to Jesus on Lazarus’ condition, it was a sign Lazarus was close to death. When Jesus received this message from Mary and Martha, he said “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.” Jesus he stayed where he was two more days, and then he said to his disciples, “Let us go back to Judea.” “But Rabbi,” they said, “a short while ago some people who lived there tried to stone you, and yet you want to go back?” (This situation had happened, 89

though Jesus was never in any serious harm.) Jesus answered them, “Aren’t there twelve hours of daylight? If a man walks in the day, he doesn’t stumble, because he sees the light of this world. But if a man walks in the night, he stumbles, because the light isn’t in him.” After that, he said to them, “Our friend, Lazarus, has fallen asleep, but I am going so that I may awake him out of sleep.” His disciples replied, “Lord, if he sleeps, surely he will wake up.” The disciples thought Jesus spoke of Lazarus’ natural sleep. So then Jesus told them plainly, “Lazarus is dead, and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.” 90

Now, the Rauschmonstrum knew that Lazarus was already dead, because of his omnipresent talents, but he was surprised Jesus spoke in such a way, since the Nazarene could only guess of this. “Sure he knows Lazarus is near death, but there is no need for the Nazarene to ordain his demise before he knows for sure” Jesus left for Judea. Then the disciple Thomas, who thought it was certain that Jesus would be killed upon arriving in Judea, said to the rest of the disciples, “Let us also go, so that we may die with him.” “They are going to force me to raise this Lazarus fellow from the dead, aren’t they?” sighed the Rauschmonstrum.

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Jesus Weeps For Lazarus When Jesus arrived in Bethany, he found that Lazarus had been in the tomb four days already. Many of the Jews had joined the women around Martha and Mary, to console them concerning their brother. Then when Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went and met him, but Mary stayed in the house. Therefore Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, if you would have been here, my brother wouldn’t have died. Even now I know that, whatever you ask of God, God will give you.” Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.” Martha said to him, “I know that he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day.” 92

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will still live, even if he dies. Whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?” She said to him, “Yes, Lord. I have come to believe that you are the Christ, God’s Son, he who comes into the world.” When she had said this, she went away, and called Mary, her sister, secretly, saying, “The Teacher is here, and is calling you.” When she heard this, she arose quickly, and went to him. Now Jesus had not yet come into the village, but was still in the place where Martha met him. Then the crowd that was with her in the house, and were consoling her, upon seeing her rise up quickly, went out, followed her, 93

saying, “She is going to the tomb to weep there.” Therefore when Mary came to where Jesus was, and saw him, she fell down at his feet, saying to him, “Lord, if you would have been here days ago, my brother would not have died.” When Jesus saw her weeping, and the crowd that had come with her weeping as well, he groaned in distress, and was troubled. He said, “Where have you laid him?” They told him, “Lord, come and see.” Jesus wept. The gathered crowd then said, “See how much affection he had for him!” Some of them said, “Could not this man, who

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opened the eyes of him who was blind, have also kept this man from dying?” The Rauschmonstrum was annoyed by the behavior of Lazarus’ sisters, feeling as though they were manipulating Jesus into raising their brother from their dead, through making him feel guilty. It was not as though Jesus had any obligation to raise Lazarus up. Death was as natural a thing as there ever was, and even if Lazarus were to be raised, the time would come when he would die again. However, the Rauschmonstrum knew that regardless, Lazarus would now need to be raised from the dead, or else Jesus’ credibility would be damaged. “At least,” thought the Rauschmonstrum “this will be a miracle to be rooted in gravitas, unlike that water into wine trick

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I let the Nazarene perform toward the beginning.”

Jesus Raises Lazarus from the Dead Jesus therefore, again groaning in himself, came to the tomb. It was a cave, and a stone lay against it. Jesus said, “Take away the stone.” Martha said to him, “Lord, by this time there is a stench, for he has been dead four days.” Jesus said to her, “Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see God’s glory?” So they took away the stone from the place where the dead man was 96

lying. Jesus lifted up his eyes, and said, “Father, I know that you always listen to me, but because of the multitude that stands around me, I asked that you do this, that they may believe that you sent me.” After he had said this, he cried out in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” And so, through the power of the Rauschmonstrum, Lazarus came out, bound hand and foot with wrappings, and his face wrapped with a cloth. Jesus said to the crowd, “Free him, and let him go.” The people around did as Jesus asked, and Lazarus walked away with his sisters.

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“If this does not give the Nazarene a large following, nothing will” thought the Rauschmonstrum.

The Plot to Kill Jesus After this, many of the people, who came to Mary and saw what Jesus did, believed in him. But some of them went away to the Pharisees, and told them the things which Jesus had done. The chief priests therefore and the Pharisees gathered a council, and said, “What are we doing? For this man does many signs. If we leave him alone like this, everyone will believe in him, and the Romans will come and take away both our place and our nation.”

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But a certain one of them, Caiaphas, being high priest that year, said to them, “You know nothing at all, nor do you consider that it is advantageous for us that one man should die for the people, and that the whole nation not perish.” Caiaphas prophesied that Jesus would die for the nation and not for the nation only, but that he might also gather together into one all the Israelites and descendents of Israelites, many of whom were scattered abroad. So from that day forward they took counsel that they might put the Nazarene to death. Jesus therefore walked no more openly among the crowds, but departed from there into the country near the wilderness, to a city

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called Ephraim. He stayed there with his disciples. The Passover was at hand. Many went up from the country to Jerusalem before the Passover, to purify themselves. Then they sought for Jesus and spoke one with another, as they stood in the temple: “What do you think? Will he come to the feast at all?” Now, the chief priests and the Pharisees had commanded that if anyone knew where Jesus was, they should report it, so that they may seize him.

Jesus’ Anointing at Bethany Six days before the Passover Jesus came back to Bethany, and went to the home of Mary and Martha, and Lazarus. There they gave a dinner for Jesus and his disciples. 100

The Rauschmonstrum studied Lazarus and was amazed. “This man was dead, and yet he sits here as though none of that happened. He is living his life the same way he had before, nothing is altered. What a waste. If I were in his position, I would be dancing around the town, drinking and whoring, and singing songs. I would travel to the finest cities, and sail the darkened seas. Yet, I feel as though most people would behave just as this man does, if they were under the same circumstances. What a shame!” Mary then took a pound of perfume of pure nard, which was very expensive, and anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped his feet with her hair. The house was filled with the fragrance of the ointment.

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Then Judas Iscariot, one of his disciples, who would later betray him, said, “Why wasn’t this ointment sold for three hundred denarii coins, and given to the poor?” Now, Judas said this, not because he cared for the poor, but because he was a thief, and having the money box, used to steal what was put into it. But Jesus said, “Leave her alone. She has kept this for the day of my burial. For you always have the poor with you, but you will not always have me.” Judas responded with a disdainful look, which the Rauschmonstrum noticed. “A rift is here. This Iscariot fellow has his doubts about the direction the Nazarene’s ministry is taking. Perhaps he is ripe to turn.”

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Jesus Predicts His Death From that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things at the hands of the Pharisees, the elders, the chief priests and the teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and on the third day be resurrected. Peter took him aside and began to chastise him. “Never, Lord!” he said. “This shall never happen to you!” Jesus responded by turning to Peter and saying, “Get behind me, Satan! You are just a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.” “Better to have human concerns than the ones you have in mind, Nazarene” thought the Rauschmonstrum.

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Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone desires to come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, and whoever will lose his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man, if he gains the whole world, and forfeits his life? Or what will a man give in exchange for his life? For the Son of Man will come in the glory of his Father with his angels, and then he will judge to everyone according to their deeds. Most certainly I tell you, there are some standing here who will in no way taste of death, until they see the Son of Man coming in his Kingdom.” The Rauschmonstrum watched this with great interest, for he had gotten weary of the possibility of the death of the

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Nazarene. A part of him hoped their game could go on forever and ever. However Jesus seemed eager for his death to take place.

Jesus Comes to Jerusalem as King As they approached Jerusalem and came to the Mount of Olives, Jesus sent two disciples, saying to them, “Go to the village ahead of you, and at once you will find a donkey tied there, with a colt by her. Untie both of them and bring them back to me. If anyone says anything to you, say that the Lord needs them, and he will send them right away.” The disciples went off and did as Jesus had instructed them. They brought the

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donkey and the colt and placed their cloaks on them for Jesus to sit on. When the people of Jerusalem heard that Jesus was coming to the city, they took the branches of the palm trees, and went out to meet him, and cried out, “Hosanna! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord, the King of Israel!” The multitude that was with him when he called Lazarus out of the tomb, and raised him from the dead, was testifying about it, causing Jesus to gain in followers. The Pharisees therefore said among themselves, “See how you accomplish nothing. Behold, the world has gone after him.”

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The Parable of the Tenants The Rauschmonstrum was sure that the Nazarene was acting out a death wish, for as soon as he and the disciples had entered Jerusalem, Jesus told another parable, one specifically selected to disavow the Pharisees: “There was a landowner who planted a vineyard. He put a wall around it, dug a pit for its winepress and built a watchtower. Then he rented the vineyard to some farmers and moved elsewhere. When the time for harvest approached, he sent his servants to the tenants to collect his share of the fruit of the vineyard.” “The tenants seized his servants; then beat one, killed another, and stoned a third. Then he sent other servants to them, more than the first time, and the 107

tenants treated them the same way. Last of all, he sent his son to them. ‘They will respect my son,’ he said.” “But when the tenants saw the son coming, they turned to each other and said, ‘This is the heir. Come; let us kill him, as his inheritance will be ours.’ So they took him and threw him out of the vineyard and murdered him.” “Therefore, when the owner of the vineyard comes, what will he do to those tenants?” “He will bring those wretches to a wretched end,” those in attendance replied, “and he will rent the vineyard to other tenants, who will give him his share of the crop at harvest time.” Jesus said to them, “Have you never read the Scriptures:

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“‘The stone the builders rejected has become the cornerstone. The Lord has done this, and it is a marvel to our eyes. Therefore I tell you, the kingdom of God will be taken away from those who produce bad fruit and will be given to a people who will produce good fruit.” The common people in attendance knew this parable was clearly aimed at the Pharisees. The Pharisees, chief priests, the teachers of the law, and the elders looked for a way to arrest Jesus because they knew he had spoken the parable against them; however they did not take action, for they were frightened of the crowd. “That was a crafty piece of symbolic criticism” thought the Rauschmonstrum.

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“And to think it comes from a man who can be damaged so greatly by the group he is scolding. He is lucky if he survives the week.”

Jesus at the Temple Jesus entered the city’s temple and drove out all those who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money lenders and the seats of those who sold doves “My temple will be a house of prayer, but you merchants have made it a den for thieves” The blind and the lame came to the temple to see him, and through the power of the Rauschmonstrum, Jesus healed them. But when the Pharisees, and chief priests, and the teachers of the law saw the glorious things Jesus was

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able to do through the Rauschmonstrum, and saw the children shouting in the temple courts, “Bless the Son of God,” they were indignant. Jesus begun teaching in the temple daily, and the Pharisees, and chief priests and scribes were seeking to destroy him, but they were not able to find anything they could do, for all of the common people were hanging on his words. “Surely it will not be long now” thought the Rauschmonstrum. “These Pharisees and scribes may be terribly incompetent, and preach nonsense, but they will find a way to destroy the Nazarene eventually.” But once again, they were afraid of the multitude of followers; so they left him and went away.

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“These people are useless, for if they truly want to kill the Nazarene, they must not have this fear of the crowds.” The Rauschmonstrum began thinking of a way to bring about Jesus’ destruction himself.

Paying the Imperial Tax to Caesar The Pharisees went and took counsel how they might entrap Jesus in his talk. They sent their disciples to him, saying, “Teacher, we know that you are an honest man, and teach the way of God in truth, no matter whom you teach, for you are not partial to anyone. Tell us therefore, what do you think? Is it lawful to pay taxes to Caesar, or not?”

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But Jesus perceived their deception, and said, “Why do you test me, you hypocrites? Show me the tax money.” They brought to him a denarius coin. Jesus studied the coin and asked them, “Whose is this image and inscription? They said to him, “Caesar’s.” Then he said to them, “Give therefore to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s.” When they heard it, they marveled, and left him, and went away. The Rauschmonstrum was equally amazed, for the Nazarene had taken a seemingly no win situation and exploited a third option.

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“Any negotiator or politician should take note of what the Nazarene did here, if they are to master their craft.” He thought. This experience also cemented the Rauschmonstrum’s belief that the Pharisees would never find a way on their own to do what they wanted. No, if Jesus of Nazareth was going to die, the Rauschmonstrum needed to take this matter into his own hands…

The Rauschmonstrum Appears Before Judas Now the feast of unleavened bread, which is called the Passover, was approaching. The chief priests and the scribes sought how they might put Jesus to death, for they feared the people who believed in him.

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The Rauschmonstrum decided Judas was to be the vessel for the demise of Jesus. The Rauschmonstrum had watched Judas ever since Jesus’ anointing in Bethany by Mary, and it was clear Judas believed less and less in the words and deeds of the Nazarene with every passing day. And so, the Rauschmonstrum took the form of an angel and appeared before Judas in the middle of the night. When Judas saw what appeared to be an angel, he fell to his knees and prayed. “Judas, I am appearing before you now, for you are the most righteous of the disciples of the man known as Jesus.” “Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am not worthy.” Judas trembled a great deal; not something the Rauschmonstrum could fault him for given the circumstances. 115

“Judas, unfortunately the man known as Jesus is not who is says he is.” “He isn’t? I suspected as much.” “He is something quite darker.” “Is he the Beelzebub?” “Not quite, but one of his underlings. He must be stopped.” “Oh Lord, oh God! Why do you tell me this? What must I do?” “I am going to tell you what to do. Now, listen very carefully…”

Judas Agrees to Betray Jesus After Judas’s encounter with the Rauschmonstrum, he went to the temple to talk with the chief priests and captains about how he might deliver Jesus over to

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them. They were glad, and agreed to give him money for his efforts. Judas consented, and sought an opportunity to deliver him to them in the absence of the multitude of believers who would protect him. Then the Rauschmonstrum went away, and as Jesus slept that night the Rauschmonstrum caused him to have a dream wherein Judas betrayed him. For this dream the Rauschmonstrum also created the vision of Peter denying Jesus three times before the sound of a rooster crowing. The Rauschmonstrum knew Peter’s character was such that he would deny knowing Jesus if he thought it could save him from punishment. The Rauschmonstrum also knew that as Jesus’ closest disciple, the guilt Peter would feel after denying him would fuel

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him to spread Jesus’ message after the Nazarene’s time on Earth had ended.

The Last Supper Now on the first day of unleavened bread, the disciples came to Jesus, saying to him, “Where do you want us to prepare for you to eat the Passover?” He said, “Go into the city to a certain person, and tell him, ‘The Teacher says, “My time is at hand. I will keep the Passover at your house with my disciples.’” The disciples did as Jesus commanded them, and they prepared the Passover. Now when evening had come, he was reclining at the table with the twelve disciples. As they were eating, he

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said, “Most certainly I tell you that one of you will betray me.” They were exceedingly sorrowful, and each began to ask him, “It isn’t me, is it, Lord?” He answered “One of you who dipped your hand with me in the dish will betray me. The Son of Man will go, as it is written of him, but woe to that man by whom the Son of Man is betrayed! It would be better for that man if he had not been born.” Judas then said to him, “It isn’t me, is it, Rabbi?” In response, Jesus said to him, “You say so.” As they were eating, Jesus took bread, gave thanks for it, and broke it. He gave

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to the disciples, and said, “Take, eat; this is my body.” He took the cup, gave thanks, and gave to them, saying, “All of you drink it, for this is my blood of the new covenant, which is poured out for many for the remission of sins. But I tell you that I will not drink of this fruit of the vine from now on, until that day when I drink it anew with you in my Father’s Kingdom.” They then went out to the Mount of Olives. Then Jesus said to them, “All of you will be made to stumble because of me tonight, for it is written, ‘I will strike the shepherd, and the sheep of the flock will be scattered.’ But after I am raised up, I will go before you into Galilee.”

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But Peter answered him, “Even if all will be made to stumble over you, I will never be made to stumble.” Jesus said to him, “Peter, tonight, before the rooster crows, you will deny me three times.” Peter said to him, “Even if I must die with you, I will not deny you.” All of the disciples also said likewise. The Rauschmonstrum was struck by how convinced Jesus was that he would rise from the dead and rejoin them in Galilee. He was also amazed by how calm Jesus was at the prospect of being betrayed by Judas, denied by Peter, and ultimately facing death. “I must say, of all the people in this world to fulfill my aim, this Nazarene was

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as interesting a vessel as I could have found. I am blessed.”

Agony in the Garden They went to a place called Gethsemane, and Jesus said to his disciples, “Sit here while I pray.” He took Peter, James and John along with him, and he became deeply distressed and troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, to the point of death. Stay here, and watch for me.” He went forward a little, fell on his face, and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup of suffering pass away from me; nevertheless, not what I desire, but what you desire.”

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The Rauschmonstrum, in the form of an angel appeared to him. This strengthened Jesus, and being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground. The Rauschmonstrum could not believe the agony the Nazarene was putting himself through over a fantasy he had fabricated about his own destiny. It was at this point that the Rauschmonstrum had doubts about his own mission, and considered ending all this and letting Jesus be. “Perhaps what I am doing is too much? Perhaps the life of Nazarene has shown there is more good about the human race than I thought possible before?” However, after thinking this through the Rauschmonstrum realized things had

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gone along too far to simply stop now. He must finish what he had begun, and regardless of the endpoint of this adventure, he could always use his experiences with the Nazarene to influence humanity in further ways down the road. When Jesus rose from prayer, He came to the disciples and found them sleeping. He said to Peter, “Were you not able to keep watch for one hour? Watch and pray that you don’t enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” Again, a second time he went away, and prayed, saying, - “My Father, if this cup cannot pass away unless I drink it, your desire be done.”

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He came again and found the disciples still sleeping. He left them and went away to pray for a third time.

Jesus and the Rauschmonstrum It was then that the Rauschmonstrum appeared before Jesus in his true form for the first time. Jesus’ eyes were closed, praying, and thus he did not notice the Rauschmonstrum for some time. When, he finally did notice the Rauschmonstrum, even then he did not so much as glance at him. “Do you know who I am?” asked the Rauschmonstrum.

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“Yes, you are the serpent, come to tempt me away from facing my fate. Be gone with you!” The Rauschmonstrum laughed. “ You think I am Satan? I am not Satan.” “Of course you are Satan, for who else may you be? For I know you are no angel.” “Quite right…no angel. Certainly not the angel who appeared to you right here…when you were praying before?” With that said, the Rauschmonstrum transformed in front of Jesus into the same angel he had appeared as before. He then returned right back to his natural form. It was clear Jesus was disturbed by how the Rauschmonstrum was able to take the form of the angel and return to his 126

natural form so quickly. Yet, he did not respond, and instead went back to his prayer. The Rauschmonstrum continued, “Do you remember all the blind you made see, the lame you made walk, and all the others you cured of disease?” “Yes. Have you come here to mock me for my aid to the downtrodden? The Rauschmonstrum did not answer, instead continuing his line of questioning. “Do you remember the time you exorcised the legion of demons from that man in Gerasenes? The demons went from the man into the bodies of some pigs, which then rushed into a lake and drowned.” “During my ministry I have done many things, and the exorcism of the man

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from Gerasenes is one of them, yes. But of what use is that to you now, Deceiver?” “Do you remember feeding the multitude of five thousand with the five loaves and two fish? “I have fed many.” “And do you remember reviving Lazarus from the dead?” “Yes.” “You were reluctant to raise Lazarus, weren’t you?” “I would have preferred it if Lazarus had not died, and I had not needed to raise him.” “What if I told you,” said the Rauschmonstrum, “that all those miracles you performed were actually my

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doing, and all of your feats were able to happen only because I wanted them to happen, to spite your foolishness, and the foolishness of the human race.” Jesus returned to silent prayer for a period of time before answering the Rauschmonstrum. “When I was a boy… I suspected my design was different than that of other people. I became sure of it the day I was baptized in the Jordan by John. The heavens opened up and the voice of God shouted down upon me ‘this is my beloved son, with whom I am well pleased.’” “And if I told you that it was I who made that voice?” “No, that is not true. That is impossible!” “If there is any truth at all, it is that you are no Messiah. But no worries, you will find all that out soon enough. Judas will 129

be returning shortly.” The Rauschmonstrum then vanished. Jesus spent some more time praying. Then he returned to his disciples and said, “Are you still sleeping and resting? Enough! The hour has come. Look, the Son of Man is delivered into the hands of sinners. Rise! Let us go! Here comes my betrayer!”

Jesus Arrested While he was still speaking, Judas came, bringing with him a group of men who carried swords and clubs. Judas said to them, “Whoever I kiss, he is the one. Seize him.” Immediately he came to Jesus, and said, “Hail, Teacher!” and kissed him. Jesus said to him, “Friend, why are you here?” Then 130

the group of men came and laid hands on Jesus, and took hold of him. One of those who were with Jesus stretched out his hand, and drew his sword, and struck the servant of the high priest, and struck off his ear. But Jesus answered, “No more of this!” Jesus touched the man’s ear and the Rauschmonstrum healed it. “One last miracle for the Savior” thought the Rauschmonstrum Then Jesus said to the chief priests, the officers of the temple guard, and the elders, who had come for him, “Am I leading a rebellion, that you thought it necessary to come with swords and clubs? Every day I was with you in the temple and the streets, and you did not lay a hand on me. But this is the hour

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when darkness reigns.” Then all the disciples deserted him and fled. Then seizing him, the men led him away and took him into the house of the high priest. “No more is needed of me to shape the life of the Nazarene” thought the Rauschmonstrum, and he shed a single tear for what he knew was to come.

Jesus Before the Sanhedrin Those who had taken Jesus led him away to Caiaphas the high priest, where the scribes and the elders were gathered together. But Peter followed him from a distance, to the court of the high priest, and entered in and sat with the officers, to see the procession. 132

Now the chief priests, the elders, and the whole council sought to make false testimony against Jesus, that they might put him to death; and they found none. Even though many false witnesses came forward, they found none. But at last two false witnesses came forward, and slandered the deeds Jesus had performed. The high priest, Caiaphas, stood up, and said to Jesus, “Have you no answer? What is this that these testify against you?” But Jesus held his peace. The high priest answered him, “I adjure you by the living God, that you tell us whether you are the Christ, the Son of God.” Jesus said to him, “You have said it. Nevertheless, I tell you, after this you

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will see the Son of Man sitting at the right hand of Power.” Then the high priest tore his clothing, saying, “He has spoken blasphemy! Why do we need any more witnesses? Behold, now you have heard his blasphemy. What do you think?” They answered, “He is worthy of death!” Then they spit in his face and beat him with their fists, and some slapped him, saying, “Prophesize to us, you Christ! Who has hit you? If you are truly the Christ, stop us!”

Peter Denies Jesus Now Peter was sitting outside in the court, and a maid came to him, saying, “You were with Jesus, the Nazarene!”

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But Peter denied it before them all, saying, “I do not know what you are talking about.” When he had gone out onto the porch, someone else saw him, and said to those who were there, “This man also was with Jesus of Nazareth.” Again he denied it, “I do not know the man.” After a little while, those who stood by came and said to Peter, “Surely you are also one of them, for your speech makes you known.” Then he began to curse and to swear, “I do not know the man!” Immediately the Rauschmonstrum made the sound of a cock crowing. Peter remembered how Jesus had predicted he

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would deny him, and went out and wept bitterly.

Jesus before Pilate And so the chief priests, the elders, the teachers of the law and the Sanhedrin, made their plans. They did not have the authority to execute Jesus, and so they bound him, led him away and handed him over to Pilate, the Governor of Judea. When Pilate met with them he said, “What accusation do you bring against this man?” They answered him, “If this man were not an evildoer, we would not have delivered him up to you.”

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Pilate therefore said to them, “Take him yourselves, and judge him according to your law.” The Priests responded to him, “It is not lawful for us to put anyone to death.” “What has he done?” Pilate implored. “He has publically declared himself a prophet and King of the Jews.” Pilate approached Jesus and looked him deeply in the eyes. “Are you the king of the Jews?” “You say so,” Jesus replied. As Jesus was accused by the chief priests and the elders, he gave no answers. Then Pilate asked him, “Do you not hear the testimony they are bringing against you?” But Jesus did not reply to

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a single charge. This greatly amazed Pilate. “Aren’t you speaking to me? Don’t you know that I have power to release you, and have power to crucify you?” Jesus answered, “You would have no power at all against me, unless it were given to you from above. Therefore he who delivered me to you has greater sin.” Pilate said to the chief priests and the gathered crowd, “I find no fault in this Man.” But the Sanhedrin of priests would not be denied, saying, “He stirs up the people, teaching throughout all Judea, beginning from Galilee to this place.”

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Jesus Faces Herod When Pilate heard Galilee mentioned, he had Jesus sent to Herod, the local ruler, since those from Galilee were under Herod’s jurisdiction. Now when Herod saw Jesus, he was exceedingly glad, for he had wanted to see him for a long time, because he had heard many things about the miracles he had performed. Herod hoped to see some miracle done by him. He questioned Jesus with many words, but Jesus gave no answers. The chief priests and the scribes stood, vehemently accusing him. Herod with his soldiers humiliated him and mocked him. Dressing him in luxurious clothing, they sent him back to Pilate. Herod and Pilate became friends 139

with each other that very day, even though before then they were enemies.

Taking the Place of Barabbas Then Pilate, when he had called together the chief priests, the rulers, and the people, said to them, “You have brought this man to me, as one who misleads the people. And indeed, having examined him in your presence, I have found no fault in this man concerning those things of which you accuse him; neither did Herod, for I sent him back to him; and indeed nothing deserving of death has been done by him. I will therefore chastise him and then release him”. Now for Passover it was custom to release to the crowd one prisoner. There 140

was one prisoner in attendance named Barabbas, who had led a riot and committed murder. The crowd, crying aloud, asked Pilate to release a prisoner for them. Pilate answered them, saying, “Do you want me to release to you the King of the Jews?” For he perceived that the chief priests had delivered Jesus up out of envy. But the chief priests pressured the crowd that they should ask that Barabbas be released to them instead. Pilate again asked them, “What should I do to him who you call the King of the Jews?” The crowd cried out, “Crucify him!” Pilate said to them, “Why? What evil has he done?”

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But they cried out exceedingly, “Crucify him!” These proceedings were very confusing to the Rauschmonstrum, for he had seen all the people who had been helped by the Nazarene, (or at least had thought it was the Nazarene who had been helping them) and had seen how popular Jesus had been during his arrival into Jerusalem. He could not understand why the people were choosing a scoundrel over a man who had spent his entire life pursuing benevolence. When Pilate saw that nothing was being gained, and that the crowd was starting a disturbance, he took water, and washed his hands before the crowd, saying, “I am innocent of the blood of

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this righteous person. You see to things as you will.” All the people answered, “May his blood be on us, and on our children!” “His blood is on me,” retorted the Rauschmonstrum to himself, “and nobody else.” Then Pilate released Barabbas to the crowd and handed Jesus over to be crucified.

The Crucifixion So Pilate let the soldiers take charge of Jesus. Making Jesus carry his own cross, they went out to Golgotha, also known as the place of the Skull. Then they offered him wine mixed with myrrh, but Jesus refused it. Then,

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dividing up his clothes, they cast lots to see what each would get. Then they crucified him. Pilate had a notice prepared and fastened to the cross. It read: JESUS OF

NAZARETH, THE KING OF THE

JEWS The chief priests of the Jews protested to Pilate, “Do not write ‘The King of the Jews,’ but instead say that this man claimed to be king of the Jews.” Pilate responded, saying “What I have written, I have written.” Two rebels were crucified with Jesus, one on his right and one on his left. Those who passed by hurled insults at him, saying, “You said you would destroy the

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temple and build it in three days, come down from the cross and save yourself!” In the same way the chief priests and the teachers of the law mocked him among themselves. “He saved others,” they said, “but he can’t save himself! Let this Messiah, this king of Israel, come down now from the cross that we may see and believe.” One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: “Are you not the Messiah? Save yourself and us!” But the other criminal rebuked the first one. He said, “You and I are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.”

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Then the criminal said, “Jesus, remember me when the time comes for you to enter your kingdom.” Jesus answered him, “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.” “Hanging up on a cross, and still offering up invitations to paradise” noted the Rauschmonstrum.

The Death of Jesus At noon, darkness came over the whole land until three in the afternoon. And at three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”. “Surely the Nazarene now knows the absurd joke that had been played on him” thought the Rauschmonstrum.

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One soldier filled a sponge with wine, put it on a staff, and offered it to Jesus for him to drink, but he refused it. With a loud cry, Jesus breathed his last. Then the soldiers went to Jesus and pierced his side with a spear to make sure he was dead. Immediately blood and water came out of Jesus’ side. Once the Rauschmonstrum knew Jesus was dead, he caused the veil of the temple to be torn in two from top to bottom. And when the centurion, who stood there in front of Jesus, saw how he died, he said, “Surely this man was the Son of God!”

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The Burial of Jesus In the evening, a rich man from Aramathia, named Joseph came. He had himself been a follower of Jesus. This man went to Pilate, and asked for Jesus’ body. Then Pilate commanded the body to be given up. Joseph took the body, and wrapped it in a clean linen cloth, and laid it in his own new tomb, which he had cut out in the rock, and he rolled a great stone to the door of the tomb, and departed.

The Rauschmonstrum Plots the Resurrection When he had starting planning his mission, the Rauschmonstrum had assumed that the consequences of his actions would be completely malevolent. 148

However, he had seen all the good things Jesus and the disciples had done, as well as the positive changes in behavior of people who went to see Jesus. He knew that if the disciples went out and continued the Nazarene’s work, and if the Word spread far and wide, the world may benefit more than it was hurt by what the Rauschmonstrum had done. He knew however, that it was still quite possible nothing but utter destruction would come out of spreading the message of Jesus of Nazareth. The Rauschmonstrum was fine with either outcome. The most important part of the Rauschmonstrum’s task was yet to be done. For the Nazarene to have a lasting impact, some post-Resurrection

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appearances must be made to the disciples. Thus, the Rauschmonstrum would need to take the form of Jesus and appear before the remaining eleven disciples, persuading them that he had resurrected from the dead. “If I do this, then the myths about him will never die.”

The Second Burial of Jesus Before doing anything else, it was essential that he remove Jesus’ body from the tomb. The Rauschmonstrum decided that the best permanent grave for Jesus would be next to his old disciple, Judas. Shortly after betraying Jesus, Judas had decided

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for himself that Jesus really had been telling the truth, and went off and hung himself. Judas’ body had then been buried in what was known as the Field of Blood; a field usually reserved for the bodies of foreigners. The Rauschmonstrum went to the tomb Joseph of Aramathia had given Jesus and took his body over to the Field of Blood. There, he dug a spot next to Judas and buried Jesus. “Goodbye dear Nazarene” said the Rauschmonstrum as a final farewell.

The Empty Tomb Now on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene went early, while it was still dark, to the tomb, and saw the stone taken away from the tomb. Therefore 151

she ran and came to Simon Peter, and to the other disciples, and said to them, “They have taken away the Lord out of the tomb, and I don’t know where they have laid him!” Peter and the other disciples went out, and they went toward the tomb. Simon Peter entered into the tomb. He saw the linen cloths lying there, and the cloth that had been on Jesus’ head, rolled up in a place by itself. The disciples then went back to where they were staying.

The Rauschmonstrum Appears to Mary Magdalene Later Mary went back to the tomb stood outside of it crying.

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“They have taken my Lord away,” she moaned, “and I don’t know where they have put him.” At this, she turned around and saw the Rauschmonstrum in the appearance of Jesus standing there. The Rauschmonstrum in the form of Jesus asked her, “Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?” Thinking he was the gardener, she said, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, so I can go get him.” Then the disguised Rauschmonstrum said to her, “Mary.” She turned toward him and cried out “Teacher!” The disguised Rauschmonstrum said, “Do not cling to me, for I have not yet ascended back to the Father. Go

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instead to my disciples and tell them this. Say that ‘I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’” Mary Magdalene went to the disciples with the news: “I have seen our Lord!” And she told them that he had said these things to her.

The Rauschmonstrum Appears to Jesus’ Disciples in the Form of Jesus During the evening of that first day of the week, the disciples were together, with the doors locked for fear of the Jewish leaders. It is then that the Rauschmonstrum in the form of Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” After he said 154

this, he showed them his hands and side as proof of his return from crucifixion. The disciples were overjoyed when they saw the imposter Lord. Again the Rauschmonstrum said, “Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am now sending you.” And with that he breathed on them and said, “Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive anyone’s sins, their sins are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.”

The Rauschmonstrum Appears to Doubting Thomas Now Thomas, one of the Twelve, was not with the other disciples when The Rauschmonstrum appeared in the form

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of Jesus. So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord!” But Thomas said to them, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where those nails were, and then put my hand into his side where the spear was, I will not believe.” A week later his disciples were in the house again, and this time Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, the disguised Rauschmonstrum came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting me and believe.” In a state of joy, Thomas shouted to him, “My Lord and my God!”

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Then the Rauschmonstrum told him, “Because you have seen me, you have now believed; but blessed are those who have not seen and yet still believe.” The Rauschmonstrum was pleased with what he had done, and with how the disciples had reacted, for if the life of the Nazarene was going to have a long lasting effect, it would be because many believed without seeing.

The Rauschmonstrum and Peter The disguised Rauschmonstrum took Simon Peter aside and said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than the others?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” 157

The disguised Rauschmonstrum said to him, “Then you will feed my lambs.” A second time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” He replied to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you!” The disguised Rauschmonstrum said to him, “Then you will tend my sheep.” The disguised Rauschmonstrum spoke to him a third and final time, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was distressed because this had been said to him three times. Peter responded to him, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.” The disguised Rauschmonstrum said to him, “Then you will feed my sheep.” The disguised Rauschmonstrum continued his speech, “Very truly, I tell 158

you, when you were younger, you used to fasten your own belt and to go wherever you wished. But when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will fasten a belt around you and take you where you do not wish to go.” At this point, the Rauschmonstrum was just making up the words as he went along, but Peter seemed to take in everything he said just the same.

The Ascension Then the eleven disciples went off to Galilee, to a mountain where the Rauschmonstrum had told them to go. When the disciples saw him in the form of Jesus, they bowed to him and worshiped.

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The disguised Rauschmonstrum said to them, “All authority has been given to me in heaven and on earth. Go, and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I commanded you. Behold, I am with you always, even to the end of the age. Amen!” And after he had said these things, the Rauschmonstrum lifted himself up while they were looking on, and a cloud received him out of their sight. Once he was out of sight, the Rauschmonstrum thought about his creation and was pleased. “The disciples will carry on as I have instructed them. The deeds the Nazarene performed with my assistance have real 160

power in the hearts of men. Children a thousand years from now will hear of the things I have caused, and worship a beguiled preacher fashioned out of my idleness.” The Rauschmonstrum laughed a great while. “It is finished!” When he had grown tired of congratulating himself for what he had done, he returned to his true form, and drifted off to think of further ways to occupy his time.

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The End

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THE RAUSCHMONSTRUM WILL RETURN in: THE RAUSCHMONSTRUM & MOSES and THE ADVENTURES OF THE RAUSCHMONSTRUM & KING DAVID

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About the Author Nick La Torre enjoys going out and getting into mischief. He also enjoys telling people his crazy stories. You can find out more about his work at latorrestory.com

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