Interviews With the Rauschmonstrum

Also By Nick LaTorre The Gospel of the Rauschmonstrum Further Sketches of the Rauschmonstrum The Rise and Fall of the Horde

Interviews With The Rauschmonstrum By Nick LaTorre

Copyright © 2017 by Nick LaTorre. All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without permission from the author. Front and back cover designed by Valentina Talijan.

Dedicated to Charlie Rose and Dick Cavett, my favorite television interviewers. The following is a work of satire. No interactions with public figures are meant to be portrayed as having actually occurred. Then again, if you think these interviews with a shapeshifting cloud of smoke actually occurred, you need some professional help.

Rausch Timeline 1957- Dwight D. Eisenhower is inaugurated for his second term as President of the United States. The Rauschmonstrum’s book Jesus & Me is released. 1958- Jesus & Me reaches the top of the New York Times Bestseller list. 1959- The Rauschmonstrum has his first public interview, appearing on the ABC program The Mike Wallace Interview. It is the most watched program in television history up to that point. 1960- John F. Kennedy is elected the 35th President of the United States, defeating incumbent Vice President Richard Nixon in a close contest. 1963- President Kennedy resigns on November 22nd after stories of his affairs with several Hollywood actresses are reported on by the press. He is replaced by Vice President Lyndon Baines Johnson. The Rauschmonstrum’s book The Old Testament & Me is released in December of that year. 1964- The United States escalates its involvement in the Vietnam War after the Gulf of Tonkin incident. President Johnson is elected to a second term after defeating Republican nominee, evangelist William Graham Jr. 1967- Self-identifying Christians are shown to have declined 25% from ten years earlier. 1968- Republican Governor Nelson Rockefeller defeats Democratic nominee Senator Eugene McCarthy to be elected the 37th President of the United States.

1972- President Rockefeller defeats Senator Edmund Muskie to win re-election. 1973- The Vietnam War is brought to an end with the signing of the Paris Peace Accords. 1975- The Rauschmonstrum founds a technology company, RauschSoft, along with media theorist Professor Marshall McLuhan and software developer Bill Gates. 1976- New York Senator Robert F. Kennedy is elected President after defeating former Governor of California Ronald Reagan in the general election. 1979- RauschSoft becomes the largest company in the world by market cap, shortly after the release of their new computer, the RauschCube. 1980- Robert Kennedy is re-elected president in a landslide against Republican George HW Bush. 1984- Republican Bob Dole defeats Democrat Ted Kennedy for the presidency. 1987- The Rauschmonstrum founds RauschSearch, an internet search engine company. 1988- In a stunning upset, novelist Norman Mailer defeats incumbent President Bob Dole to be elected the 40th President of the United States. The Rauschmonstrum is awarded the Pulitzer Prize for his book Foreign Policy, Adventurers, and Sex. 1991- The Soviet Union dissolves, thereby ending the Cold War.

1992- After President Mailer declines to run for a second term. Former California Governor Jerry Brown defeats actor Clint Eastwood to be elected the 41st President of the United States. 1993- The percentage of people identifying as religious drop below ten percent worldwide. 1996- President Brown is re-elected in a landslide over Republican challenger Dan Quayle of Indiana. 1998- The film adaptation of Jesus & Me is released to rave reviews. It goes on to be the highest grossing movie of all time, and win the Academy Award for Best Picture. 2000- Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich is elected President in a close election over California Governor Warren Beatty. 2001- RauschSearch overtakes RauschSoft for the largest company market cap in the world. Shortly after this, the Rauschmonstrum resigns his positions from both companies, and sells all his stock in both as well. 2004- President Gingrich wins re-election easily over Massachusetts Senator John Kerry. 2008- Illinois Senator Barack Obama is elected the 43 rd President of the United States in a landslide victory over Republican John McCain. 2010- Flying cars are legalized in the United States and immediately become popular. 2012- President Obama wins re-election over New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.

2014- The Rauschmonstrum is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his role in wiping out poverty in Africa. 2016- Businessman Donald J. Trump is elected President of the United States in an upset over sitting Vice President Joe Biden. Later on in December, the Rauschmonstrum announces his intention to go into isolation from humanity.

A Little Bit To Say About Our Friend the Rauschmonstrum Before We Start The Rauschmonstrum is a shapeshifting monster who manipulates humanity from time to time to suit his desires. His true physical form resembles a cloud of smoke. If there’s a historical event of any importance, there’s a good shot he had something to do with it. For most of mankind’s history he kept his existence a secret. However, this was to change during the twentieth century. Shortly after the end of World War II, the Rauschmonstrum could be seen popping up at American and British military functions in Allied-occupied Germany. Some photographs taken at these events show the remnants of his Cheshire Cat grin as he was in the process of making himself disappear from sight. Many American and European politicians began meeting with him during this time. They did this secretly for the most part, but on occasion he was referred to in print interviews as “my friend Ol’ Rausch,” or “my acquaintance Ol’ Rausch.” The pubic began to wonder who this “Ol’ Rausch” was after President Truman made a quip about him at a press conference in in an apparent slip of the tongue. Then in 1957 a book entitled Jesus & Me was published under the name The Rauschmonstrum. It told the

story of a shapeshifting monster who tricked Jesus of Nazareth throughout his life, leading him on into believing he was the son of God, and ultimately dooming him to his crucifixion. This book was completely ignored at first, but then became regionally famous in the Southern United States after certain Fundamentalist Christian preachers began organizing events where they burnt copies of it in large quantities. As these things often go, the vitriol expressed against Jesus & Me gave it increased attention and popularity elsewhere. By the following year, it was the number one bestseller in the world, and held that position into the next decade. People wondered who the author’s true identity. There was no identifying information about him at all other than his name at the bottom of the book cover, and nobody believed Rauschmonstrum could be anyone’s real name. Naturally, rumors began to spread, such as that The Rauschmonstrum was really just a pseudonym for Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, or John Dos Passos. Many people made false claims about being the author as well. Finally, on June 6th, 1959, the Rauschmonstrum had his first interview, appearing on The Mike Wallace Interview with host Mike Wallace. The world was never the same.

The Mike Wallace Interview – 1959 The Rauschmonstrum and Mike Wallace discussed the Rauschmonstrum’s nature, his life history, his book Jesus & Me, and the truth about Christianity. [Mike Wallace wears a nice suit, smoking a cigarette] Wallace: The book Jesus & Me has taken the literary world by storm, telling the story of a shapeshifting monster who decides to create a religion, and uses Jesus of Nazareth as a tool to make this happen. Christians worldwide have derided it, and yet it has been praised by many as one of the most imaginative books of the era. Gore Vidal has called it “a laugh riot, yet deadly serious,” and Aldous Huxley has referred to it as “breathtakingly mind expansive.” Ever since the controversial book’s arrival into the public eye, the question on everybody's mind has been “who wrote it?” It was assumed the name on the work, The Rauschmonstrum, couldn't possibly be the author's real name and was instead only a pseudonym. Now, in our studio today, the author is here ready for his first public interview. At this point I’m going to ask you to sit down if you are not already seated because in what has got to be the biggest case of an unexplained phenomena in many, many years, the author isn’t even human. He appears to be a shapeshifting pillar of smoke. You heard me correctly. I'm just as surprised as you are. [The Rauschmonstrum floats above the guest chair across from Wallace with a big grin] Wallace: I will get to the bottom of who he is and what he is right after this break. The cigarette is Philip Morris. [Wallace holds up the cigarette in his hand, and things cut to

commercial] Wallace: We're back. Well Mr. Rauschmonstrum, is that what you go by, or would you prefer I call you something else? Rauschmonstrum: I've gone by a lot of things over the years, and you may call me what you wish. Wallace: Alright, Mr. Rauschmonstrum. Let’s start from the beginning. What are you exactly? Rauschmonstrum: In truth, I'm not quite sure. It's a mystery to me. One day I simply came to consciousness and tried to make sense of the things around me the same way a child does. The difference is I did not have the luxury of having beings similar to myself around to give me any guidance. I have no parents to the best of my knowledge. As you can see, I am made out of smoke. I can shapeshift into different forms and I have powers humans would deem supernatural. To a large extent, I think that is all there is to say. Wallace: Can you shapeshift into anything you wish? Rauschmonstrum: Oh certainly. Everything and anything. Wallace: Can you give us a demonstration? Rauschmonstrum: Of course. How about I take the form of Vice President Richard Nixon? Wallace: [chuckling] If you wish. [The Rauschmonstrum shapeshifts into the form of Richard Nixon and sits in the guest chair]

Rauschmonstrum: [as Nixon] Now listen here. We need a policy that aggressively counters Soviet influence in the East. My dog Checkers agrees. [The Rauschmonstrum shapeshifts back into his true form] Wallace: If I hadn’t known any better I would have assumed at that moment you really were Nixon. I'm sure the folks watching at home feel the same way. Did you learn how to do that with time, or were you born with the power? Rauschmonstrum: I’d tell you I was born with it, except I’m not sure I was ever really born. I think it would be like saying a rock was born. Wallace: It’s such a curious situation. Have any scientists examined you? Rauschmonstrum: No. Wallace: They should. It could really push science forward a couple hundred years. What other powers do you have? Rauschmonstrum: I can do most anything in terms of manipulating the physical world. I give major examples in my book of all of the things I can do; healing the sick, feeding the hungry, raising the deadWallace: Everything you write in Jesus & Me is true? Rauschmonstrum: Yes, it's all autobiographical. It's not fiction the way the New York Times classified it on their bestseller’s list. Wallace: You understand making claims like that will disturb mass amounts of people around the globe. Not just Christians, but people of other religions who will naturally be

afraid their own religions are frauds perpetrated by you as well. Atheists, while not believing these religions are true, were at least under the impression that the understood laws of physics actually applied. You’ve upheaved that as well by showing yourself. Rauschmonstrum: I made peace with that when I decided to write the book. Wallace: Most people have a lot at stake in the Gospel stories. Rauschmonstrum: You’re all in for an interesting couple of years as I reveal more and more of what’s truth and what’s fabrication. Wallace: Those are strong words. Rauschmonstrum: If they weren't strong words, then they'd be useless. Wallace: So, for those who have not read Jesus & Me, and aren't familiar with the story, let's summarize it a bit. Rauschmonstrum: By all means. Wallace: The story starts with a description of you and what you can do, followed by your explanation of how you wanted to create a religion. Rauschmonstrum: Yes, I wanted to shape humanity a little bit. Plus, I didn’t like how the Romans were occupying Judea, and I didn’t like the religious laws prevalent in Judaism. I was looking for a way to upheave both of those things. Wallace: So, you decided the best way to achieve that was by making someone believe they were the son of God, and have

it that they would put the necessary things into effect for your plan to work? Rauschmonstrum: Yes. Wallace: And that person you found was Jesus of Nazareth. Rauschmonstrum: It was. Wallace: A deep believer would say you can’t possibly be telling the truth. Rauschmonstrum: I know. But at this point I don’t care. It’s time people toss all this stuff away and move on. Wallace: You performed all the Gospel miracles and made it seem as though Jesus did them? Rauschmonstrum: I did. Wallace: That included feeding the multitude with a small amount of loaves and fish, and raising Lazarus from the dead? Rauschmonstrum: I did those things. Wallace: You can just make objects appear, and raise people from the dead? Remarkable. Rauschmonstrum: I can do those things. However, it’s important I set a boundary down for all those listening. I will never raise someone from the dead ever again. Wallace: Why? Rauschmonstrum: Because when I brought Lazarus back from the dead, I was disgusted by the complacency with

which he lived his life afterwards. He didn’t change a single thing about his life after he rose. He went right back to doing his menial work, and the most exciting times he ever had the rest of his life were dinners with his sisters once a week. It was all very passive living. I will not stand to raise more people from the dead, only for them not to take a new appreciation for their lives. Wallace: Even if it were some great leader or scientist who would be able to contribute great things to humanity if they could be brought back to life? Rauschmonstrum: Even then, it’d be a slippery slope from there. People would say “if you raised that country’s leader, why haven’t you raised our leader?” People would beg me to raise up their loved ones and resent me if I didn’t. Wallace: Tell me about Jesus of Nazareth. What type of person was he? Rauschmonstrum: Hmmm, I do believe in my book I describe him as the most benevolent man who ever lived. I stand by that. He wanted to help people. He truly believed he was the son of God, yet he wasn’t interested in being a king on Earth. His aim was absolute altruism. Most people who got to meet him face to face felt the same way. He could be a bit heavy on the messiah complex stuff though as you can imagine. Wallace: And yet despite all these great qualities he had, you decided he should die. [There’s a pause here as Rauschmonstrum looks to be thinking things through] Rauschmonstrum: When I started my mission to create what’s become Christianity, I didn’t think far ahead as to

what would become of Jesus. However, he himself seemed convinced he was destined to die to save mankind, and I realized for him to die the way he did would be a good was to convince others he really was who he said he was. Then I got the idea for the resurrection and…you know the rest. Wallace: That take us to the most controversial part of your book, the chapter called “The Real Resurrection.” Rauschmonstrum: Yes. Wallace: You claim that once Jesus had been crucified, you stole his body from the tomb he’d been placed in and that you then buried him next to Judas Iscariot’s grave in the socalled Field of Blood. Rauschmonstrum: I did. It’s true. Wallace: And then you say you took the form of Jesus and appeared before his disciples, pretending to be him. Rauschmonstrum: It happened in just that way. Everything the disciples did after that point, spreading the ideas of Jesus, they did because of my appearances in the form of the Nazarene after he had died. Those appearances convinced them Jesus had been for real. Wallace: Are you exaggerating this in any way? Rauschmonstrum: It all happened as I described it in my book, with no exaggerations and no lies. Wallace: As I’m sure you realize, if what you say gains mainstream acceptance it would completely change the culture. I don’t know if anything would be the same.

Rauschmonstrum: Oh, I’m aware. That’s why I wrote the book, and that’s why I’m here tonight. If I weren’t prepared for any of this, I would not have written the book, and I would not have allowed myself to appear on camera. Wallace: I don’t know if it’s intentional on your part, but you come off a bit arrogant about this whole thing. Rauschmonstrum: I wouldn’t say I’m arrogant. But it may be easy for me to appear that way while I’m setting the facts straight about some things humanity has been wrong about for so long, yet which they have taken so much stake in. Wallace: Mr. Rauschmonstrum, if humanity was wrong about the truth for all this time, it was because you led people astray with your trickery. You caused all of this! Rauschmonstrum: You’re right, I led you all astray. That’s been a habit of mine over the years. But I hope I’m correcting for that now. Wallace: But why now? You could have revealed yourself at any point? Rauschmonstrum: First of all, I knew that if I ever revealed myself to humanity at large, particularly in this age of mass media, the whole present order would be flipped over. Plus, I knew once I was exposed there wasn’t any going back. It’s not like people would suddenly forget my existence. It wouldn’t be possible for me to manipulate things on Earth in the manner I had before. Events that happened the last two decades made me feel it was time. There was the horrendous Second World War, and with that the Holocaust. There was also the dropping of the atomic bombs on Japan, and now there’s this arms race between the United States and the Soviet Union. These events, I believe, have waged a psychic havoc on the unconscious mind of the people who have been

alive for these events. I think it’s a widespread fear today that one may die in a completely random act of mass destruction. And so, after a great deal of thought, I decided I should make my presence known as a way to counter this existential dread, and let mankind in on quite a bit of how the world and the universe actually works. Wallace: Aside from the life of Jesus of Nazareth, are there any other pivotal events in world history caused by you? And what about the other religions? Were you responsible for those too? Rauschmonstrum: Yes, but I’ll decline from speaking about that topic at this time. That’ll be the subject of many future books. Wallace: Well I for one look forward to those books…Rauschmonstrum, is there a God? Rauschmonstrum: Ah, the big question. Well here’s my answer. In all my years, I have never seen evidence that such a being exists. Wallace: That’ll be a cold thought for many people watching this. Rauschmonstrum: It will leave them cold at first, but after giving it some time to sink in they will learn to accept it, and then move on to living without such fantasies. Wallace: There have been rumblings that you advise President Eisenhower in an unofficial capacity. Is that true? Rauschmonstrum: I think it’s best for me not to comment on that at this time.

Wallace: Understandable. What will you do now? You clearly have the power to do with us what you wish. You could control the global order and direct things according to your whims. Is that what you plan on doing? Rauschmonstrum: No, I have no intention of playing with humanity for my own purposes anymore. I did that for thousands of years, and it’s left me feeling as though I did it all wrong. No, for the foreseeable future I plan on spending my time as a writer, a speaker, a developer of ideas to help humanity. and a general public figure. I think that’ll be a rewarding way to spend my time. Wallace: I’m glad to hear that Mr. Rauschmonstrum. Thank you for joining us. It’s been a powerful experience for me having you here, and I’m sure in the future it’ll be considered a historic event. Rauschmonstrum: My pleasure Mike. Wallace: I’d like to thank the Rauschmonstrum for choosing to do his first interview with us. He’s sure to be a main fixture on the world stage for many years. Our guest next week will be Ayn Rand. Good night. [Wallace puffs on a cigarette as the credits roll]

Norman Mailer – 1963 The Rauschmonstrum met with novelist Norman Mailer in December of 1963 for an interview which was originally published in Village Voice. They discussed the Rauschmonstrum’s newest book “The Old Testament & Me”, the November 22nd resignation of John F. Kennedy, the presidential campaign of Christian evangelist Billy Graham, as well as the subject of metaphysics. Mailer: When I first heard about you, you seemed like you were out of a fantasy or science fiction novel. RM: I’m told that by a lot of people. Mailer: When I was in the army I developed a theory about God and the nature of the universe. RM: Oh boy. Mailer: On the off chance I’ve misunderstood everything you’ve ever said, could I run it by you and see if it’s correct? RM: Spring it on me. Mailer: The way I framed it was like this; God is in a constant struggle with the Devil, and God isn’t guaranteed victory over the Devil. God isn’t all powerful, and he could lose this fight. As far as humans are concerned it is our job to live our lives with as much vitality as possible in order for the forces of good to triumph over the forces of evil. RM: It’s a colorful theory Norman, but it’s incorrect. I’m sorry. [Mailer chuckles]

Mailer: Well there goes years of sustained thought down the drain. Moving on, this new book of yours The Old Testament & Me deals specifically with your claimed role in a tradition I’m a part of, the tradition of the Jewish people. It cleared a lot of things up for me, and several passages made me laugh to the point of tears. I was thinking that if I had known back as a child that so many of the events which my ancestors held to be the most important things that’d ever happened to mankind, as detailed in the pages of the Torah, were all just a blob of gobblygook caused because of a shapeshifting monster’s desire to help the people who inhabited parts of the Middle East at a specific point in time, then I wouldn’t have bothered studying in Hebrew school. RM: Glad to hear it. Mailer: You do a good job of showing the nonsense of it all. I doubt there will be a single believer left in a generation. RM: Splendid. Mailer: I remember being a kid and not liking Moses. I’m glad that feeling was vindicated. RM: Moses was a terrible human being. Without my guidance he wouldn’t have been able to lead a group of people out of a brothel, let alone the desert of Sinai. Mailer: And even then, it took forty years. RM: Yeah, well I was drifting in and out of the region by then. I was really drained from parting the Red Sea. Mailer: I’ll tell you though, I don’t like this book quite as much as Jesus & Me, but that’s probably because that was a single narrative while this is more of an anthology of stories.

RM: What’s your favorite segment in the book? Mailer: Probably the story about King David. It’s very visceral; bares a lot of edge. Particularly the orgy scenes. RM: Of the stories in the book, that was the most fun to write and was also the most fun to live out. Mailer: I envy you. On a related note, let me ask you about the Kennedy business. RM: I like Kennedy. I think what they did by outing his affairs was bad for the nation. I wish he hadn’t had to resign, but the impeachment process would have done him in anyway. Mailer: I love Kennedy. As I said in my essay “Superman Comes to The Supermarket” I thought he had the qualities to bring a great existential awakening to the country. RM: Did I not bring a great existential awakening to the country before him? Mailer: No because you’re not a human. You’ve awakened us in a different way, and maybe even a much more important way, but not in an existential way. You can’t think and feel the way humans do. Kennedy does. RM: Touché. Do you think Kennedy was able to bring about that existential awakening during his time in office? Mailer: I believe so. Going through the list of names of women he slept with during his time in office certainly emboldened my own imagination. [They chuckle]

Mailer: And I’m sure he’ll continue having an adventures life now that he’s a private citizen. I just hope Mrs. Kennedy is doing okay. RM: I’m sure she’ll be fine after her and her friends get back from their trip around Europe. Mailer: Yeah, they’re all on that Greek fellow Onassis’ yacht sailing around the Riviera from what I hear. Have you met Onassis? RM: We have some mutual friends and business associates. How do you feel about LBJ? Mailer: As I’ve said publically before, I have a hard time liking somebody if I don’t like their face, and I don’t like Johnson’s face. RM: That’s a… that’s an interesting way of looking at it. What do you think Graham’s chances are for ‘64? Mailer: Well he is a brilliant orator, so I can’t rule him out, but I just don’t think he has the numbers needed. Many of those who are still believers don’t want him in the office because he’s so rigid. And in major part to you, the number of Christians in the country is crashing as we speak. Do you think he can win? RM: Yes, he’s harping all the Kennedy sex stuff into the ground, and it’s a subject which much of the country really cares about, albeit a smaller and smaller part of the country. Mailer: Is envy the reason they care? The envy Kennedy has been living out this sensuous life, juggling the biggest actresses in Hollywood in these affairs, with all this money, being so handsome, and having all this power?

RM: Of course. Envy is one of humanity’s strongest pulls. Mailer: If Graham loses is that it for his side? RM: Oh yes. With a Graham loss, it'll be off to the ash heap of history for the influence of the religious element in American politics. Mailer: Clearly you take a lot of glee in this. RM: Oh certainly. Mailer: I admit, I'm not. I’ve often called myself a leftconservative, and that’s because I think when it comes to certain aspects within a society, ripping away a structure because of some ills you find in it is a bad idea because a lot of good exists in the structure too, often more good than bad, and you may not realize how much good there was until it’s gone. RM: Don’t forget Norman, I created this structure. Mailer: That you did. RM: I like that term you have there, left-conservative, maybe you could run for President in the future on a platform like that. Mailer: I’d get votes on the coasts and nothing in-between. Let me ask you, going back to what I was saying before about my theory of good and evil, do you think it’s possible you may actually be God, or be the Devil, and not even realize it? RM: I’ve thought of that before. I can’t rule it out. I’ve never had any guidance. I’ve been simply by myself, and impulses come to me. Then I form plans, put some of them into effect and see the results. If there were a God I’m sure

that’s what the terms of his existence would be. So perhaps I might be God. Mailer: And could you be the Devil? RM: The Devil I’m not so sure about. The concept of the Devil requires he is responding to something. It requires that he knows God is there and is in constant conflict with this good force. That simply does not apply to me. Mailer: But perhaps you are the Devil, and there is a God, and you are leading us all astray to be damned for eternity. RM: I can’t prove to you it isn’t the case, but if I am indeed the Devil leading you all astray, everyone should wonder why God isn’t responding. Mailer: Grim thought…What do you plan to do next? Are there world events you plan to disrupt? RM: No, I’m out of the global influence game. I’m content just being a public figure, writing books, giving speeches, and doing interviews like this. Mailer: You’re not gonna stick your fingers into Vietnam? RM: No, there’d be unintended consequences. It’s a nuclear age now. I don’t know how the Soviets would react. Mailer: So the existence of the nuclear bomb has limited your ability to play a role in man’s affairs? RM: Yes, and it gives me a sense of horror to say it out loud. That’s changed everything. But it keeps my negative tendencies in check at least.

Mailer: You’re definitely a major fixture within modern culture, but I think a being of your infinite capabilities and knowledge should play a larger role than you presently are. You could churn out great book after great book and educate us about everything, and even invent things to improve our quality of life. RM: I’ve often told myself I should be doing more. I’m still adjusting to existing out in the open amongst the humans, but I think you’ll be impressed by the work I do in the next couple of years. Mailer: Thank you Rausch, hope to see you soon. RM: Take care Norman.

William F. Buckley - 1968 The Rauschmonstrum was a guest on William F. Buckley’s show Firing Line on March 10th 1968. They discussed claims the Rauschmonstrum had made about himself, and the radical restructuring currently occurring in American culture and politics. Buckley: Folks, here with us today is a most extraordinary guest. While we’ve certainly been lucky enough to have had many exceptional guests, tonight’s may take the cake in that he is of the supernatural variety. [laughter from the audience] There are many spectacular claims about him which if true would completely upheave the established order of Western Civilization, the world at large, and what many of us accept to be the celestial order. He is of course the Rauschmonstrum, and I am sure him being here will make for some interesting dialogue. Good day to you sir. Rausch: Hello William, good to be here. Buckley: Well Mr. Rausch…I can call you that right? Rausch: If it pleases you to do so. I’ve been called many things over the years, and in many languages. Buckley: What were you called in Jesus’ day? Rausch: The closest translation would be shadow. Buckley: That name suits you. Rausch: It was rare for me to be seen in my natural form in those days, so few people had the chance to call me that. Buckley: That brings me to my first point. You really maintain you were the one behind Jesus’ miracles.

Rausch: That’s correct. Buckley: And according to you, it was all a hoax and you fooled the apostles into believing the resurrection so that they’d spread the story around. Rausch: It was a good plan. It succeeded after all. Buckley: Well I would be doing myself and my faith a tremendous disservice if I started this interview by talking in a way that suggests you are telling the truth. Rausch: Very wise. Buckley: There are several directions this conversation could go, so I intend to keep it based around this premise; if you are telling the truth, which I doubt, I think you are some type of oddity to physics. You may perhaps be the only type of your species. You may even be a genetically mutated human. But if you are telling the truth, then Christianity and religion in general would inevitably pass away, and with good reason. The very concept of morality would be greatly altered. What are your thoughts on all of that Mr. Rausch? Rausch: Isn’t this already happening? The Gallup poll already shows the religious populations are decreasing. Buckley: I think the odds are better that this is a temporary trend rather than something unalterable. We’ll talk more about that later. However, I’d like to ask you about your overall thoughts about Christianity as a system. Rausch: Well when I invented Christianity all those years ago[At this there are boos from the audience]

Buckley: Come on now, all of you in the crowd can’t be surprised by his remarks. You knew his views when you came here today. Go on Mr. Rausch. Rausch: When I invented Christianity all those years ago, humanity was working with a much more limited set of tools than they are now. Having a Christian worldview was extremely useful for most people back then in terms of structuring their lives. The infant mortality rates were extremely high and most people spent their day to day fighting off catastrophe after catastrophe. Christianity was a much-needed opiate. Buckley: So you espouse a Friedrich Nietzsche “God is Dead” idea about how it is needed for Christianity to be there two thousand years ago, and that it no longer fits with current contexts? Rausch: Nietzsche could have articulated those ideas better than he did, but yes, the span of time from Christ’s crucifixion to around 300 years after that would have been a much drearier period of human history had I not stepped in. Of course, it was after that point when things began to flip and all the Christ nonsense made things worse. Buckley: You’re referring to the point at which Christianity cemented power in the Western world. Rausch: Of course. Buckley: Constantine and all that? His deathbed conversion? Rausch: Yes. I knew Constantine by the way. He was a ruthless, ruthless man, and I’m certain his deathbed conversation was a last ditched attempt to gain some kind of forgiveness for all his evil deeds.

Buckley: That brings up a good point. Central to Christianity is the idea of forgiveness, and central to the human condition is feeling that despite giving it our best shot we’ve done the wrong things, and have either harmed ourselves or harmed others. Much of the dread from situations like this can only be alleviated through forgiveness, either forgiving oneself or getting forgiveness from those you’ve hurt. Christianity teaches people to forgive each other for their trespasses and also provides mechanisms for people to be forgiven by a higher power, which in turn makes it easier for people to forgive themselves. Can a person find sufficient forgiveness in a godless world? Rausch: It’s a good question. I’m not sure I have an answer. Something like that may vary from person to person. Buckley: I believe Christianity has had an extraordinarily positive impact on the morality of its believers, and that without these things we would be living in a nasty, selfindulgent society, and I fear we are heading quite sharply in that direction. Rausch: I’d first like to counter that by bringing up the mass amount of violence done in the name of Christianity during its history, particularly at the Church’s peak power around the time of the first Inquisition. I would know, I was there. Buckley: The Inquisition was a disastrous set of institutions which happened because of poor leadership by the Church at that time. A lot of people like to bring it up to exemplify the Church’s failings, but I don’t think that’s a fair standard by which to judge it. Rausch: You’d prefer to discuss Christianity’s effects on the people who practice it, and not necessarily the leadership of its institutions?

Buckley: I would. Rausch: To start down that track, do you think it is good for people to be taught to base their lives around documents written thousands of years ago, which they aren’t allowed to question? Buckley: I don’t know of many people who subscribe to biblical literalism, maybe some of the more fringe elements in the Southern region, and I don’t mean to offend the many Christians down there when I say that. Catholicism makes use of doctrines interpreting the bible which Catholics are at least on paper required to believe. That is true. I have a philosophy of ‘Mater Si, Magistra No,’ which means I do not accept entirely the authority of the governing body of the Church in all matters. I am under the impression this type of attitude is pretty common amongst Catholics. Rausch: That thought will get you in some trouble. [The audience laughs] Buckley: It already has from time to time. But to go further into this, in the case of most Protestant sects, there tend to be less overseeing bodies to tell church members what to think about the scriptures. Protestants are encouraged to read the bible themselves and come to their own conclusions about what it means. Rausch: Regardless of whether we are talking about Catholics or Protestants, and the literalness with which these people take the bible, both Christians and believers in the other religions are taught to believe they can find divine authority within texts. When people are taught to give religious texts and clerical figures authority over their lives, it’s easier for other doctrines to have a hold over their lives as

well. This can take the form of political ideology, or the types of people you allow into your lives. Buckley: That’s a bit of a stretch. Rausch: You think so? Buckley: I don’t think having faith in a religious doctrine makes you more susceptible to malevolent political ideas. Rausch: Well, I don’t see us getting any further down this same dialogue path if you don’t think so. Buckley: Let me ask you something regarding your virtue. Rausch: Oh boy. Buckley: If you did indeed trick Jesus of Nazareth at various points by performing the miracles yourself and settling things up for him to be crucified, that is an incredibly immoral action. How do you defend something like that? Rausch: I don’t. There is no defense for what I did, and if I could go back in time I wouldn’t do it again. However, I will say my natural instinct is not to be merciful. My mercy is learned from years and years of practicing being merciful. It’s hard for me to explain this to you beyond that. Buckley: …So we’re establishing you can’t go back in time. [The audience laughs] Rausch: It’s of the few things I can’t do. However, to answer your question, yes, what I did to the Nazarene was immoral. However, I must point out you seem perfectly okay with the idea of God doing these terrible things to Jesus for his own purposes.

Buckley: But the whole point of Jesus coming to Earth and dying on the cross was so man would be redeemed and could be eligible for everlasting life. If God led him on to the crucifixion for that point, then it served the greater good. If instead, you are telling the truth, and his death was completely worthless, then there is no justification. Rausch: Did you ever wonder that perhaps God could have found any other number of ways to redeem humanity without sending his son off to die? [There is a pause] Buckley: No. Rausch: Why? Buckley: First of all, because it is a Christian mystery, and there is no problem with there being mysteries within the faith. I’m quite comfortable not knowing everything which has happened. However, it was also important for Jesus to be there so that he may spread a revision of the morality that was present at the time, and for him to be willing to die for his cause displayed the seriousness of the ideas he believed and spread. This brings me to my next point, the subject of virtue. Christian virtue is, and I don’t know what to do with you if you don’t accept this, the bedrock of Western Civilization. Rausch: It’s been essential yes. Christianity had wrapped itself around Western Civilization as tightly as a hangman’s noose. Buckley: I don’t like that metaphor too much.

Rausch: I didn’t think you would. Buckley: Christianity is the bedrock of Western Civilization, and it instills good behavior in people when otherwise they would very likely behave poorly. Christianity is more responsible for virtue than anything else. Right now, there are riots going on all over America’s largest cities. Detroit and Chicago are in shambles and I believe this is directly caused by your books, your public appearances, and the groups which have come together taking on your ideas. Rausch: In terms of the riots and civil unrest going on in the country, there are several other variables going on other than what I’m doing, such as the unpopularity of the war in Vietnam, protests against racism, and new philosophies for general living the young are taking hold of. You are right though that some of the unrest has come as a result of me. I believe that’s growing pains stemming from people adapting to the massive amount of new information I’ve unleased. That isn’t necessary a good thing, but it’ll change in a little bit of time. As for your first point on Christian virtue, Christian virtue is just a monopoly Christians claim on rules societies tend to put in place in order to function, regardless of religion. A lot of the rules given out in the major religions could also be seen in play during the time of the ancient Greeks, and in Rome, and those people had religions which were quite different than what we’re talking about. Buckley: Hearing you say that, I must respond by quoting Thomas Aquinas when he saidRausch: Thomas Aquinas was a pompous ass. Believe me, I knew him. Buckley: That’s a bit childish of you, don’t you think? Rausch: A little bit, but not without purpose.

Buckley: Since I am not going to suddenly believe you are who you say you are and you’re not going to bend to my theology, either because you’re a convinced fraud or the genuine article, I would like to move on to the subject of the current political situation. Rausch: With pleasure. Buckley: Based on your writing it is obvious to me you are a man of the left, or if that moniker doesn’t suit you, a creature of the left. Could I be wrong about that? Rausch: My philosophies are a mix of far-left ideas and farright ideas. However, I try to toss that all aside and think “what is good for the humans at this point in time?” It may appear to you as though I often come to conclusions which are left of center, but I am more interested in practical solutions above anything else. Buckley: Could you explain that a bit more? Your mixture of ideas? Rausch: If I were to go by all my cosmic knowledge, I’d take a nihilist viewpoint to human affairs. You are all so small in the grand scheme of everything, so it would be quite easy for me to discount your existence and carry out actions which are destructive to you with that in mind. But since I have lived at that malevolent capacity for a long time, and I mean a long, long time, I’ve narrowed my focus now so instead I think in terms of what services humanity the best. Buckley: And what brought about this change in you? Rausch: World War II and the Holocaust. I was nowhere to be seen when those events were happening, and I should have stopped it. Not doing so may be my biggest failing.

Buckley: I see, and that is a subject all to itself. Let’s go back to discussing the current state of American politics. There is a realignment happening in a major way. Military aged men have never been so resistant to a draft in the history of the United States, and older people seem less willing to see their sons go off to war than ever before. There seems to be less fear from the common people about communism and the Soviet threat. Most relevant to you, the levels of church attendance are going way down, and less and less people identify as Christian, particularly young people. All this taken into account, we’re looking at a much different electorate, and thus a much different political party system. Rausch: Yes, the decline of religiosity has changed American politics in a major way, and I confess that’s due to me. Less people are religious, which leads to less people believing in an afterlife, which leads to less people willing to die in war, and also less people willing to see others sent off to die in a war. One of the rallying points vehement anti-communist politicians had was that the Soviet Union, our gravest enemy, is atheist, and that the “Christian” United States must thus be against the godless, Communist Soviets. In this way, these politicians could appeal to Christians over here who were frightened of Christianity losing out to communism. With the decline of religiosity here, that trick isn’t working anymore, and as a result not many people over here care about stopping Communist expansion in Southeast Asia. Buckley: Are you not worried about the Soviet Union? Rausch: I’m a shapeshifting monster. What could I possibly be worried about? [laughter from the audience]

Buckley: But don’t you think Americans should fear them, at least to the extent that they are our adversaries, and we should be on guard? Rausch: I worry about them in the sense that it’s quite possible we’ll end up in a head to head war against them, and that could spell the end of mankind. I also know that millions suffer as a result of their political and economic ideology. However, do I think their system could win out against our system? No. Buckley: Why? Rausch: Because we’ve got better industry and military, and that is actually a result of our market oriented economy. Buckley: Ah, at least you are a capitalist, Mr. Rauschmonstrum. Rausch: Guilty as charged. Buckley: Some people have theorized that you yourself are a Communist plot designed to weaken America’s certitude and moral fiber, and that you were created in a lab somewhere in Moscow or Leningrad. How do you respond to that? [The Rauschmonstrum chuckles] Rausch: Well if the Soviets are capable of creating beings like me, then there’s no question who’s won the arms race. Buckley: What do you see the Republican and Democratic parties looking like in the coming years? Rausch: Well with the decline of the church, the morals will be a bit looser. I won’t lie to you, there’ll be repercussions over that, but a lot of what is considered moral and immoral

in the United States is that way because of the Puritan tradition, not because it was better for the functioning of society. Once that’s all tossed way, there’ll be a new standard American morality which will be a bit more permissive compared to what we presently have. In terms of the Democrats and the Republicans, the influence of religion simply will not exist within those parties’ structures anymore. Other than that, there will still be a party representing the left and one party representing the right just as we have now. Their platforms will be based around most of the issues which are important now; things such as wealth distribution, government size, spending, healthcare, social programs, and the nation’s role abroad. The social hierarchy will be the most central issue of all, but then again it always was. The only real thing that’ll change is that American politicians will no longer make appeals to superstition to get elected. Buckley: So you do not foresee humans replacing religion with anything else? I think it’s in our DNA to seek out a higher power. Rausch: That’s a good question. My hope is humans will not need to replace religion with anything, and it’ll in fact be shown it’s not in human nature to seek out a higher power to base their lives around. Perhaps there could be a revival of philosophy with people really using the great philosophical texts of the past to shape their lives. It may be that the big thinkers of our time could have celebrity roles, and be held in greater esteem than the actors and musicians who presently make up the popular culture. Buckley: Are you aware a rather sizable group of people have begun worshipping you? Rausch: Yes, and my response to them is to stop. I am not worthy of worship. I’m a monster after all. Right now I have benevolent intentions, but why should anybody take my word

for it? I could be trying to trick you. To paraphrase Eugene Debs; even if I could lead you into the promised land, I could just as easily lead you out of it as well. Buckley: Since you’re mentioning a promised land, didn’t you lead Moses and his followers into the Promised Land? Rausch: Yes, but that was a long time ago, and that land wasn’t even promised. That was just a lie I told to get them through the hard times. Buckley: And what do you think of the batch of celebrities who have entered the presidential race this year? Frank Sinatra, Marlon Brando, John Wayne… Rausch: It’s not for the best. As much as we may like outsiders in politics, it’s insiders who actually know how the game is played, and who can get the most policies through the legislature and into reality. I think that if any of those men win, they’ll find quickly they’re unprepared for the Presidency. They wouldn’t be able to enact policy, and also would probably be taken advantage of by the advisors they place around them. That could be very dangerous. Buckley: I’m in agreement with you there. Come to think of it, when Norman Mailer was on my show last, he actually floated the idea of running for president one day. Rausch: Of course he said that. Norman is full of more hot air than anyone else, and I say that as someone who considers myself a close friend of his. Buckley: What would you say to Marshall McLuhan’s idea that in the age of media, a politician’s image on a TV screen is more powerful than the substance of his ideas, or what he stands for, and that as a result, celebrities have a strong advantage when seeking political office because they

understand media, and know how to come across better on camera than a career politician would? Rausch: I’d say McLuhan’s on to something, and because of that, along with higher name recognition, I wouldn’t be surprised if an actor, or a talk show host, or a newsman became president in the near future. Buckley: It’s an idea that really gets a person thinking. Rausch: I would recommend strongly to politicians and those aspiring to be politicians that they really gain an expertise in the media, and to be always keeping up on cutting-edge ideas and technologies. I’d hate for people with good ideas to find themselves unable to get themselves any attention. Buckley: As would I. At this point I’d like to move on to the subject of Vietnam. Rausch: If you’d like. Buckley: Undoubtedly we are in dire straits right now. Fighting with the troop numbers we're willing to put to use, a conventional victory isn't possible. Rausch: I wrote an article against the war in the fall of '65 if you remember correctly. Buckley: I do. I shook my fist at certain passages as I read it. Rausch: Of course you did. Buckley: I still believe the war is for a good cause, although I am not as feverish about it as I was a couple of years ago. Rausch: Once it lingers onward for another couple of years,

you'll change your mind. Buckley: Perhaps. Based on what I know about you, I’m sure you have the power to intervene in the war in Vietnam on America’s behalf. [The Rauschmonstrum grins] Rausch: I suspected you'd bring something like this up. Yes, I do have the power. I could crush the Viet Cong army if I chose. The war would be over in a day. Regardless, I will not take part. Buckley: Why? Rausch: Because I’m done interfering violently in human affairs. Buckley: It’s as simple as that? Rausch: Yes, I’ve caused enough destruction. Buckley: You could so easily bring all of this to an end. The war would be over tomorrow if you did something as small as announce on television you intended to destroy the entire Viet Cong army unless they surrendered to American forces within a week. Rausch: I understand, but I can’t budge on this matter. Buckley: Is that really the moral choice for you to make? Consider the lives you could save if you did these things. Rausch: It fits my personality morality. Other than that, there is nothing further I can tell you on that subject.

Buckley: My last question for you is whether or not you consider yourself an American. Rausch: I’ve lived far too long to consider myself a national of any individual country, but America is where I live, and for the moment there isn’t anywhere else I’d rather be. Buckley: You’ve spent quite a lot of time in the Middle East, if the things you have written are true. Do you have any interest in going back there? Rausch: Not at this time. Buckley: I’m very glad you could join us here on Firing Line. You are a fascinating creature. Rausch: So are you Bill, thank you. At this point the audience was invited to ask the Rauschmonstrum questions, none of which were interesting enough to provide a transcript of here.

The Dick Cavett Show- 1973 The Rauschmonstrum was a guest on Dick Cavett’s program The Dick Cavett Show in December of 1973. He discussed his new job as a professor, his hopes for a Jesus & Me movie, and his disapproval of people who worship him. Woody Allen also stops by. Cavett: Our first guest this evening is one of a kind. He is the author of the classic books Jesus & Me and The Old Testament & Me, and has recently taken up residence here in New York where he's spending the semester teaching courses in physics, chemistry, and history at Columbia University. He also lectures around the country which can't be too hard considering he doesn't need a plane. He just floats around everywhere. [The audience laughs] Cavett: There's a lot of other interesting things he's up to which I hope to discuss with him. Please welcome The Rauschmonstrum! [The audience applauds as the Rauschmonstrum floats out] Cavett: Mr. Rausch, good to see you. Most guests sit in chairs on the show, but you can just float over one. Rausch: I can change shapes, you know. Cavett: Yes, I've read all about that in your books. Rausch: Since I like your show so much, I'll make myself more suitable for your setup. [The Rauschmonstrum takes the form of a skinny, human shaped version of himself, wearing a tuxedo and holding a cigarette

holder. The crowd applauds at his new appearance, and Cavett gives a stunned look. The Rauschmonstrum sits in one of the guest chairs] Cavett: Well Mr. Rausch, you're now easily the best dressed person to ever step foot in this studio. Rausch: Charmed to hear that. [The Rauschmonstrum takes a puff from the cigarette in his holder] Cavett: Now for a creature like yourself, do you get any effects from nicotine? Rausch: No, it's all for show, but I like it just the same. Cavett: It's quite becoming of you. Rausch: Yes, but it would be irresponsible of me if I didn't use the occasion to say 'kids, don't smoke, it's terrible for you.' Cavett: We’re not going to see any scientific research in the coming years saying cigarettes are actually good for us, are we? Rausch: No, you’re not. Cavett: Is there any other health advice you could give us, considering all your knowledge? Rausch: Sugar is much worse for you than fat. Companies that sell sugar products are trying to cover that up. Cavett: Hmmm, those companies account for half of our sponsors, so... [The audience laughs]

Cavett: We'll probably be canceled by the end of the week. In all seriousness though Mr. Rausch, there's a lot I'd like to discuss with you. Rausch: Is there? I thought you just wanted to lounge and maybe play a little cribbage. Cavett: You're a lot more playful than I remember seeing you in other interviews. Rausch: Well a funny thing happened to me on my way over here today, I realized I'm having the time of my life. Cavett: Ah, so this is the best part of your two-thousand-year life? Rausch: I'm older than that. Cavett: That's right, you are. Remind us all how old you are. Rausch: I don't have a definitive number, but I’ve been around at least as long as humans have been around, so I’m a little bit older than 100,000 years, I'd say. Cavett: I'm pushing forty and I’m having a hard-enough time imagining being that age. Rausch: Child's play. [The audience laughs] Cavett: So how's you end up getting your teaching job? Rausch: I decided teaching would be a valuable use of my time, so I went to the Columbia University dean and told him what I wanted to do.

Cavett: As simple as that? Rausch: Yes Dick. As you can imagine, I know a lot of things. Cavett: I hope so. I’d hate to think you were completely empty headed after all your experiences. Rausch: The dean was quite happy to have me, and I figured it was worthwhile for me to share some of that knowledge with the youth. Cavett: And you’re teaching a diverse group of subjects too. Rausch: Well history is what I know best because I've lived it. Cavett: You’re responsible for a lot of it. Rausch: I'm responsible for a lot of it, yes. And hopefully I can clue my students in on some things that have previously been misunderstood. Cavett: And what about physics and chemistry? Rausch: Over the years I’ve had to find ways to occupy my time when I wasn't fiddling around with humanity. I picked those subjects up on the side. Cavett: Are you enjoying New York? Rausch: Of course. The city never sleeps, which suits me well since I don’t either.

Cavett: I don’t know if you know this, but New York City has a lot of good restaurants. You should check some of them out. [The audience laughs] Rausch: I’ll take that advice. Cavett: And do you expect this will be a long-term career for you? Rausch: Well Dick, I like to take things as they come. So as for how long I’ll be a professor? I don't know. Hollywood keeps calling. One of these days I may answer them. Cavett: That's right, the studios are in a bidding war for the rights to do a Jesus & Me movie, aren’t they? Rausch: They sure are. [The audience applauds] Cavett: Let’s talk a bit about that. Jesus & Me is the bestselling book of the 20th century, so I can assume if there's ever gonna be another Gone with the Wind in terms of money made, it'll be a Jesus & Me movie. Rausch: My story is a bit more controversial than Gone with the Wind. Cavett: That's true. But I would think that means the box office money made for your movie would be even higher. Are you in negotiation with all the major studios as we speak? Rausch: Yes, but I'm holding out for more money from each of them. Paramount will send me an offer, then Universal will send me an offer, then MGM, and so on and so on.

Once everyone's given me an offer I go back to the beginning of the line and the offers get bigger and bigger. It's like a merry-go-round. [The audience laughs] Cavett: You know, I've had a lot of guests here from Hollywood and none of them have ever been nearly as honest about how the negotiation process goes than you just were. Rausch: I'm able to explain it this way because I have nothing to lose. I don't eat, I don't need to live anywhere, so I don't need any money. Cavett: You are a wealthy man though, aren't you? I hope I don’t embarrass you too much with that question. Rausch: I am extraordinarily wealthy. Cavett: And you do have houses, don't you? Even though you don’t need them? I heard you have a mansion in Bel Air next to Jerry Lewis. Rausch: Guilty. I said I don't need to live anywhere, not that I don't want to. It’s great to own houses and to invite friends over for festivities. Cavett: I agree. Do you expect your negotiations for Jesus & Me to be finished soon? Rausch: We'll see. It depends on the script and the casting they present me with. Cavett: Who would you like to see play you in a movie? Rausch: Orson Welles.

[There's laughter from the audience] Cavett: He's got the strong voice needed for something like that. Rausch: Indeed. Cavett: And who would you like to see play Jesus? Rausch: Warren Beatty. He's got the right hair. We'd have to do this movie soon for him to be in the right age range though. Cavett: Would it be too absurd a suggestion for Jack Nicholson to do it? [The audience laughs] Rausch: He may be more suitable playing Judas. Cavett: Now that'd be a cast. Rausch: All options are on the table though. That’s the splendid thing about being in a bidding war. Cavett: Did I hear correctly you're also currently working with Professor Marshall McLuhan now on some media advancements? Rausch: I am. And I'm sure when we finish our projects, they will shock the world and greatly improve the standard of living. However, I can't speak any further about it at this time, other than to say that we're working with a technological genius on it, a young fellow named William Gates. He’ll be a very famous persona in the coming years, I assure you. He’s spent more time learning about computers than anyone else.

Cavett: Exciting stuff. There’s one more thing I'd like to talk to you about before we invite out our next guest. There are religious groups out there now which worship you. I spotted some of them standing on a street corner passing out flyers on my way over here. Do you have anything to say about that? Rausch: Well I knew back in the ‘50's when I first published Jesus & Me that my stories could end up being used to create religions in themselves, particularly if Christianity began to decline, which it has. Plus, I am a supernatural figure with an unexplained origin, I understand why many could confuse me to be divine. What I will say though is a lot of the groups I see sprouting up seem to have the goal of promoting positive behavior in people, and there’s nothing wrong with that on its own. Cavett: Similar to the type of thing people would go to church for. Rausch: When I went on William Buckley's Firing Line program a couple of years ago, he told me he believed it was in humanity's DNA to worship a higher power. I don't think that's true, but humans do have a strong drive to be a part of a group, and certainly the "fan clubs" these people set up for me tap into that. Cavett: Right. Rausch: The other thing I want to say about that is some of these other groups based around my name seem to be nihilistic, and just want to stir up chaos. I strongly disapprove of those particular groups. Cavett: That’s good to hear.

Rausch: I hold that any social group should be constructive and strive to provide benefit for people. Cavett: As do I. At this point I’d like to invite our second guest out. He is a celebrated comedian, actor, writer, and director. He has appeared on this program many times before, and has a new movie debuting this month entitled Sleeper. Please welcome Woody Allen! [Woody Allen enters the room. He waves to the crowd and makes his way over to the Rauschmonstrum and Cavett. He shakes both of their hands and sits down] Cavett: Woody, good to see you. Woody: Good to see you too Dick, and it’s also great to be in the same room with His Royal Rauschness over here. Cavett: Have you two met before? Woody: No, but once I attended a lecture the Rauschmonstrum gave. Rausch: On what subject? Woody: The Romans and Stoic philosophy. Rausch: Oh yes, so I would have discussed Marcus Aurelius that day then? Woody: Yes, I spent the lecture taking notes, but then ditched them after spotting an attractive blonde woman in the audience. [The audience laughs] Cavett: Of course you did.

Woody: As I was waiting around backstage trying very hard not to bump into any walls or get arrested for sedition, I thought of a question to ask you Mr. Rausch. Rausch: Go right ahead. Woody: Since you have so much control over all the elements, why don’t you put all of us into slavery? Rausch: …Because I prefer not to. [The audience laughs] Woody: That’s good. I suspect slavery would not be becoming of me. Manual labor wears me out quickly. Cavett: Is that right? Woody: It is. But Mr. Rausch, if you did decide to make us all slaves, I’d be well suited figuring out the various roles for other slaves to play, kind of like an aptitude placement slave. That’s what I’d be good at. Rausch: I’ll keep that in mind. Woody: Please do. Cavett: Do you like the Rauschmonstrum’s books, Woody? Woody: Um, before I answer that question, I’d like the Rauschmonstrum’s word that he will not strike me dead if he doesn’t like my answer. Rausch: You have my word. Woody: You use too many commas.

[The audience laughs] Rausch: I’ll remember you said that when I edit my next book. Woody: Good, good. Thousands of glasses-wearing men will thank you. Cavett: Do you have any other pieces of advice for Rauschmonstrum, Woody? Woody: Stick to happier subject matter. The Bible stuff can be a bit morbid. [The audience laughs] Rausch: I’m afraid most of my experiences worth writing about tend to be morbid. Woody: Ooh, well in that case you might want to get some more sun, Vitamin D deficiency can cause melancholic moods. [The audience laughs] Rausch: Perhaps I’ll take your advice. Cavett: With that said, we have to go to a commercial break. We’ll be right back with the Rauschmonstrum and Woody Allen. Please stick with us. [The audience applauds]

The Tonight Show With Johnny Carson – 1979 The Rauschmonstrum appeared on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson in October of 1979 to discuss the release of his new movie ‘False Clock.’ Carson: The guy who's about to come out here; it's fair to say I'm not gonna see him out in the bars too much. [The audience laughs] Carson: He's got a new movie out which he’s written and produced called False Clock. I'm sure he can't wait to tell us all about it. Please welcome the Rauschmonstrum. [The audience applauds and the Rauschmonstrum comes out] Carson: Now, we've never actually met before. Rausch: No, though I've seen you on the golf course on occasion. I should have said hi. Carson: That's right, I remember now. You were there with Sinatra and Dean Martin. Rausch: I didn't want to drop their names, but yes. Carson: Now this is an extraordinary movie you've got here; I mean you’ve got Marlon Brando, Jack Nicholson, Warren Beatty, Julie Christie, Faye Dunaway, and Katherine Hepburn as the main cast; Orson Welles directed the picture. You wrote the script with Orson, didn't you? Rausch: We wrote it together, yes. I can't tell you how proud I am of this movie. Pauline Kael in one of the earliest reviews called it the best movie of the decade.

Carson: That's really some praise coming from somebody like her. So how did this project get started? For a while we kept hearing that a Jesus & Me movie was in the works, and it hasn't happened. Rausch: Well Jesus & Me was being negotiated. I was having meetings with all the studio executives, and ultimately I was dissatisfied with what they offered. Carson: You mean they didn't write you a big enough check? [The audience laughs] Rausch: WellCarson: Come on now Mr. Rauschmonstrum. With the dough you're pulling, you make me look like a pauper. Rausch: No, it wasn’t because of reasons of money. After some time of negotiations, I was offered more money than anyone else ever had for their book's movie rights. The reason I haven't accepted a movie deal is because I haven't liked the scripts I've seen. There's limited imagination from the studios in regards to what to do with the story. Carson: That's too bad. Rausch: Since I wasn't going to take any of these deals, I decided to put to use the contacts I'd made in Hollywood during the process and get an original story of mine made. Carson: Fascinating. And once you made that decision, did it take much time to get this original project off the ground? Rausch: This being Hollywood it definitely took me longer to assemble the pieces than I would have liked. By that I

mean the actors and the unionized crew. The money for the budget took no time at all to get together because it was mostly mine, and the rest of it came from some wealthy businessmen I know. Carson: Next time you do something like this, please let me in on it, you seem like a guy who can get a fella a good return on an investment. Rausch: Will do. Carson: Was Orson jumping with joy to get started? Rausch: Actually no. He'd been spending his time gallivanting around Europe and he wasn't eager to leave all that behind. Carson: I've seen him over there. He really likes to avoid work. Rausch: He had also lived a life which has made him skeptical of people who promise him complete freedom on film projects. He's been lied to too many times. I had to bring him a suitcase full of cash to get him to change his mind. Carson: Suitcases full of cash have a way of doing that. Rausch: Indeed they do. Carson: And you've got plenty cash. Rausch: Enough of it. Carson: So what's this movie about? Rausch: It's about some men who have done something really bad, and are looking back on the circumstances that

lead to their really bad deed, and they’re wondering if they can overcome it, in terms of how their future will go. Carson: That's a pretty vague plotline, but it does its job, I'm certainly interested in seeing it. How about you folks? [The audience applauds in approval. Some people whistle as well] Carson: Did you enjoy the process of producing? Rausch: Very much so. I hope to do more of it. Carson: And will Jesus & Me still be made into a movie eventually? Rausch: Definitely. Carson: Sooner rather than later? Rausch: I hope so. Carson: Tell us a little bit about your computer company. And while you're at it, tell us a bit about what your computers do. I'm still getting a hang of the concept that regular people can own computers. Rausch: Yes. My company is called RauschSoft, and our computers will aim to make everyday tasks easier, such as doing calculations and making lists. We will keep making updated versions of them in the coming years which are smaller, and cheaper, and able to perform more and more functions. I think you'll be amazed by what we come up with soon. Carson: What do you see on the horizon in the field? Rausch: The ability for people to send messages to folks on

the other side of the world in a matter of seconds. Carson: That's wild stuff. Good luck with that. We’re glad you could join us, and hopefully you can join us again sometime. Rausch: My pleasure Johnny. Carson: We'll be right back with Burt Reynolds. [The audience applauds]

James Toback – 1988 The Rauschmonstrum sat down with James Toback in late 1988 for an interview to be included in Toback’s documentary ‘The Big Bang.’ They discussed human nature, the Rauschmonstrum’s book Foreign Policy, Adventurers, and Sex, and the beginnings of the universe. [James Toback, a bald rotund figure in his mid 40’s sits, at a coffee table wearing a dark trench coat. The Rauschmonstrum sits across the table from him, wearing a matching trench coat. They are both sipping cups of coffee] Toback: You haven’t done an interview in a long time. Rausch: Over the last 9 years or so, I decided my time was best used in the shadows. Toback: When I first met you, I was in my freshman year at Harvard in 1964. You were on campus giving a lecture on diplomatic policy for the modern age. Rausch: I remember the occasion well. Ian Fleming was giving a lecture on James Bond in the room across the hall. Toback: Yes he was, and that caused me a problem because I wanted to attend both of them. I decided a way to solve that problem was to attend both. I would spend fifteen minutes at your lecture, and then go into the other room for fifteen minutes, and back and forth. Rausch: How’d that work? Toback: Well, it was interesting. I was on LSD, first of all. Rausch: Oh my.

Toback: Have you done LSD? Rausch: No, but I’ve observed others when they have. Toback: Well when I was shuffling back and forth between the two lectures on the LSD, I found the two lectures starting to blend together in my head. Since you were talking about the Cold War foreign policy, and Fleming was talking about James Bond and espionage and writing and coming up with ideas; all of those things blended together into one lecture where the gaps in each lecture was filled in by the material in the other lecture. It ran in my head like a great big creative spy story. Rausch: So everything I said that night blended together with a Bond adventure in your mind? Toback: That’s right. Rausch: Must have been an interested night. Toback: It was. But anyway, for people of my age, you are truly a Herculean figure. I was thirteen when Jesus & Me came out, and fifteen when you appeared on Mike Wallace’s show, so I was certainly in the meaty parts of my adolescent life, and for you to step in and completely lay waste to the whole understanding of the cosmos and then reshape it in your image, just as you’ve done time and time again in the past, it formulated my own concept of the radical means by which I could and should live my own life. Rausch: I’m glad to hear it. Toback: I’m currently putting together a project where I explore the meaning of life and existence with several people. You’ve been around for roughly 100,000 years, so I’m

wondering what you have to say about humanity as you’ve seen it over the years. Rausch: Where does one begin responding to something like that? Toback: Well, what have been the staple behaviors us humans have demonstrated? Rausch: For one thing, regardless of what systems you people try to come up with politically, you’ve all always ended up gravitating towards some kind of hierarchy. Toback: Ah, so there are haves and have nots, and no matter how we may try to disrupt that, there are always going to be haves and have nots separating groups of people. Rausch: That’s correct, Jim. Now I must say, this doesn’t mean it isn’t good to have certain mechanisms in place so that things don’t get too out of hand in terms of the rich running away with all the money. But regardless of this, hierarchy will always be with us, and it’s actually something to embrace, not to be afraid of. Toback: This is all reflected in this book you’ve recently released; Foreign Policy, Adventurers, and Sex, in which your main argument is the people put in charge of a country’s foreign policy and diplomacy tend to be very intelligent, educated men, who also tend to have large appetites for adventure, which is why they’re drawn overseas in the first place, and that amongst their appetites for adventure is an appetite for sexual adventure, and they are interested in carrying on affairs in foreign lands with exotic women, and that this behavior is reflected in the policies of the United States.

Rausch: You’ve more or less hit the nail on the head in terms of my book’s summary. Toback: Funnily enough, I always felt something like that to be true, but I was never able to put it into words before. Rausch: Currently I’m working on a follow-up book, which will concentrate on these adventuring statesmen negatively effecting the people in the United States in terms of enacting domestic policies which reflect their own high intelligence and high-energy temperament, but which aren’t good for the average and below-average people within the country. Toback: Could you expand on that a bit? Rausch: If you’re exceptionally bright and ambitious you are more likely to desire to break out of the traditions and cultural norms of your society, and if you have this desire and you find yourself in a position of power, it stands to reason you will try to alter the culture so that it better reflects your view for how things should be. However, while this may suit you and the people who share your intellect level and interests, it can have devastating effects on those of medium and low intelligence, for whom cultural norms and traditions provide a much-needed structure. Toback: Wild. You saying that is kind of giving me an acid flashback. Rausch: If that’s because I’ve really stimulating your thinking, then I’m glad. Toback: I’m going to read a bit more about those subjects. I think of myself as an adventurer, and many of my friends are adventurers, and quite a few of these friends are in high places. So, I can see all of it being true.

Rausch: Most of my friends fit that description, and it was through observing them that I came up with the thesis of my book. Toback: The other thing I want to say to you is I have a theory about how the universe began. Would you like to hear it? Rausch: You’d be amazed how many people have wanted to tell me their theories about the universe over the years. Toback: You’re the best guy to ask in the world after all. Rausch: Go ahead. Toback: I believe the universe began as a kind of orgasmic explosion by God. Rausch: Is that so? Toback: Yes, I came up with it while staying in the Shangri Lai Hotel in Santa Monica. Rausch: Go on. Toback: That’s all there is to it. Rausch: Oh. Toback: I think it fits together with your “the American foreign policy is based on sexual gratification” idea. Is there any validity to it? Rausch: Maybe if you mean God in the Einsteinian “God doesn’t play dice with the Universe” sense, where God is nature, and the cosmos is the result of an “orgasm” of the laws of physics. In that case you may be right.

Toback: Brilliant. Just what I wanted to hear. Thank you for joining me. I’ll catch you at one of the president’s parties in the months to come. Rausch: Thank you for including me in your movie, Jim. Toback: Don’t be surprised if I come back to you begging for financing for my next movie. Rausch: Of course you will.

Charlie Rose - 1993 The Rauschmonstrum sat down with Charlie Rose on his PBS program on August 6th, 1993 to discuss his new book “What I Would Have Done Differently,” his companies, the economy, the fall of the Soviet Union, demographic changes, the recent election and inauguration of Jerry Brown as President, and many other things. Charlie Rose: Tonight’s guest may well be the figure of the century. When he first burst upon the scene with his debut book Jesus & Me there was worldwide shock and backlash. It also resulted in heavy societal restructuring. The number of believing Christians have declined to less than two percent of the population, Islam has dwindled down to similar numbers, and it is rare to find a practicing Jewish person, but as my friend Billy Crystal once remarked, “then again it always was.” [The Rauschmonstrum chuckles] Charlie Rose: He has been the subject of an endless amount of music, film, and literature, and his own work as an author has been described as “the works most essential for understanding humanity since Shakespeare,” by no less an authority than Harold Bloom. His latest book Is entitled What I Would Have Done Differently, detailing his regrets as to how he’s handled his interventions and lack of interventions in human affairs. It is a privilege to welcome The Rauschmonstrum, or Ol’ Rausch, to this table for the first time. Rauschmonstrum: Fantastic to be here Charlie. Charlie Rose: When I think about you, the question I keep asking myself is “what more can you possibly want that you don’t already have?”

Rauschmonstrum: It’s a good question. I’m not sure I know the answer. I find it difficult to explain this to people but having been around as long as I have beenCharlie Rose: About as long as humanity’s been around. Rauschmonstrum: Yes. When you’ve been around as long as I have its hard to get pleasure out of anything. This was already the case for me when I got into the religion making business all those thousands of years ago. As I recount in this book, and have spoken at length about in the past, the reason I ended up creating Christianity was that I was bored. Charlie Rose: That’s a statement many people had trouble with. Rauschmonstrum: Yes, they did. Charlie Rose: And it still troubles people today to a lesser extent as well. Rauschmonstrum: Well today the issue people usually have with it is that I caused a great deal of damage to mankind by creating this thing and then letting it go on and become more and more powerful and just standing back as an observer. Charlie Rose: And why did you stand back for so long? Rauschmonstrum: Well that's what this book is about. Charlie Rose: My interpretation from reading it is that you were quite good at distracting yourself for long periods of time, and after things had spiraled out of control you guilted yourself for not acting sooner and that caused you to hesitate further, and the next thing you knew a thousand and a half years had gone by.

Rauschmonstrum: That’s the major part of it. The other thing of course is my fear that by intervening further I’d just make things worse. Charlie Rose: Are there lessons for others to learn from your failures? Rauschmonstrum: Well the stakes are usually a lot higher when I make decisions, but yes. Decisions made out of a desire to do good for people in a transparent way will usually have better long term returns than decisions made with the intent to mislead or hurt. The other thing others can take out of it is that under most circumstances it’s better to go with your instincts and deal with the consequences for better or worse, rather than brood over things for a time and often not come to any decision at all. Charlie Rose: Earlier this year Jerry Brown was sworn in as President. Rauschmonstrum: It was a pleasure to attend his inauguration. Charlie Rose: Have you attended any other presidential inaugurations? Rauschmonstrum: Several, although not always in my true form. At the inauguration of Norman Mailer, I played a little joke with him beforehand where I shapeshifted into someone else’s form and he had to guess which person at the ceremony was me in disguise. Charlie Rose: You were critical of President Mailer during his final years in office. Rauschmonstrum: Yes. I’ll be honest, when he first announced his candidacy in ’88 I thought he had no chance

of winning. But he had expressed some pivotal ideas in his writing over the years, and I knew him being on a debate stage speaking his mind would be good for the nation. He interviewed me once years ago, actually. Charlie Rose: Oh, I’m very well aware; for his Village Voice Magazine. Rauschmonstrum: It was clear to me then that he had a radical mind. When he actually won, I was shocked, but felt maybe he could take some of those ideas from his books and conjure them into something useful politically. But I was wrong about that too. He had no idea what he was doing. It was noble of him to step aside and not seek re-election. Charlie Rose: What should he do now? Rauschmonstrum: What all former Presidents do, remain a part of the discourse, and write some books. His books will be a bit better than his predecessors because he’s had some practice. Charlie Rose: Do you intend to have influence over the Brown administration? Rauschmonstrum: I’m ineligible for a job because I’m not a US citizen. Charlie Rose: Would you be interested in having an unofficial advisory role? Rauschmonstrum: I’m not sure. I’ve had unofficial roles advising previous presidents, though I won’t go into that any further. Charlie Rose: A lot of countries are squeamish about doing that.

Rauschmonstrum: It always appears as though I’m taking a side globally. Charlie Rose: Well considering your history, other countries have a reason for being afraid. Rauschmonstrum: It’ll probably be the subject of my next book. Honestly though the only way I plan on intervening on a global scale again is if the fate of mankind is at stake, or there’s a war on the scale of World War II brewing again. Charlie Rose: It was the atrocities of World War II and the Holocaust that convinced you to become a public figure, weren’t they? Rauschmonstrum: Yes, the shame that I was off wasting my time while all that horror was happening is a point of real shame. Charlie Rose: What had you been doing at that time? Rauschmonstrum: I was in South America pursuing hedonistic delights. It hurts just thinking about it. I should have been in Europe putting a stop to all that ghastliness. Charlie Rose: Were you surprised the Soviet Union fell apart so quickly? Rauschmonstrum: Oh yes, that caught me by surprise. All my CIA contacts felt the same way. Charlie Rose: The only one who wasn’t surprised was Ronald Reagan. Rauschmonstrum: Yes, but he’s always operated on a different level in terms of unfaltering optimism.

[Rose takes some time to laugh] Charlie Rose: What happens now in terms of the global order? Rauschmonstrum: It’s an interesting question. I’m afraid I don’t know where to begin with it. The technology is accelerating at a faster and faster rate. Charlie Rose: [chuckling] You’ve had a lot to do with that. Rauschmonstrum: I have. RauschSoft and RauschSearch have been behemoths, and our competitors have followed suit as well. Charlie Rose: But you’re not sure if what you’ve done is for the best. Rauschmonstrum: That’s correct. Charlie Rose: Why? Rauschmonstrum: I think the technology makes it a lot easier for people to distract themselves from their problems and create distance within their relationships with each other. Charlie Rose: Many would say “look at the increased capacity for learning through these computers.” Rauschmonstrum: That’s true. That is probably the best use for computers, and I would encourage those listening to systematically plan out strategies to maximize their time online learning things. Charlie Rose: Do you think you could cause technological progress to slow down if you wanted to?

Rauschmonstrum: No, it’s a Pandora’s box thing. Once it’s begun… Charlie Rose: We had Professor Francis Fukuyama on not too long ago and he spoke of his theory of The End of History. He wrote a book about it. Rauschmonstrum: I’ve read the book. Charlie Rose: Do you buy into his idea that with the Soviet Union gone there may no longer be any major changes in terms of global affairs or how societies work? Rauschmonstrum: I don’t. Professor Fukuyama expresses a too optimistic viewpoint in a worldwide democratic status quo, andCharlie Rose: And you’ve been around for too long to think any system can last forever. Rauschmonstrum: Exactly. Charlie Rose: Christopher Hitchens was here recently. Rauschmonstrum: Of course he was. He goes anyway there’s a camera. Charlie Rose: He had some things to say about you. Rauschmonstrum: As he tends to do. Charlie Rose: Roll the clip. [Archive footage of Christopher Hitchens with Charlie Rose]

Hitchens: Now, I would say that at this point this flabby smoke monstrosity should simply depose himself. Charlie Rose: Why is that? Hitchens: We are people and therein we are sovereign and should have no overlooking force to undermine us. As long as Rauschmonstrum is around, he threatens our sovereignty, and his history has shown he has no qualms about interfering with us, no matter how reformed he claims he is now. He should leave Earth and go float around the cosmos for a couple thousand years. [End of archive footage] Charlie Rose: What do you think of that? Rauschmonstrum: He’s not quite wrong. Charlie Rose: So he has a point? Maybe you should leave? Rauschmonstrum: I do kind of hold the sway of the global order in the palm of my hand. Perhaps that is too much power for a single being. Charlie Rose: So we may one day find you have left Earth? Rauschmonstrum: You might. Charlie Rose: We’re out of time. It’s been a pleasure. Rauschmonstrum: Thanks Charlie.

Late Show with David Letterman- 1998 The Rauschmonstrum appeared on the Late Show with David Letterman in December of 1998 to discuss the release of the film adaptation of Jesus & Me. Letterman: Our next guest certainly needs no introduction. His 1957 book Jesus & Me is one of the bestselling books of all time. Its movie version comes out Christmas Day starring Tom Cruise as Jesus, please welcome the Rauschmonstrum. [The audience cheers as the Rauschmonstrum floats out] Letterman: I don't think this gets said enough but you really are a terrifying presence up close. Rauschmonstrum: I've been told that before. Letterman: You're pretty much a demon. Rauschmonstrum: The Catholic Church used to refer to me as just that. In fact, some denominations of the few that remain still insist I am a demon. Letterman: Yeah, those churches really went kablooey after you showed up. I was raised Lutheran, and one night Mother was watching a program of you on television, and then that was it for going to Church. Rauschmonstrum: A lot of people send me letters telling me similar stories. Letterman: I think that old church in my neighborhood is a strip mall now.

Rauschmonstrum: Strip malls may actually be worse. Letterman: Maybe. Now you uh...you’re a real powerful guy aren't you? You could kill us right now if you wanted to? Rauschmonstrum: The critics kill you enough Dave. No need for me to do it too. Letterman: That’s true. Rauschmonstrum: And besides, keeping you alive only punishes you more. Letterman: You might be right. But seriously, you have it in your command to destroy mankind, and you've certainly messed with us quite a bit over the years. What's it like to be all powerful? Rauschmonstrum: The women seem to like it. [The audience laughs] Letterman: I bet. So the love life is going swimmingly? Rauschmonstrum: Can’t complain. Letterman: Maybe you should sell a men's vitality supplement. It'd probably sell really well. Hell, I may even give it a try. Rauschmonstrum: I don't need any more money Dave. Letterman: Speaking of that, what is your net worth at this point? You've got to be the best-selling writer of all time, you own all these big companiesRauschmonstrum: My book sales are still behind the Bible.

Letterman: Is that right? Rauschmonstrum: Not that the Bible sells too well nowadays. Letterman: You have a little something to do with that I suspect. Rauschmonstrum: Where’d you get an idea like that? [Laughter from the audience] Letterman: I’d hate to repeat the question, but how much money do you have? Rauschmonstrum: I don’t know. I don’t keep count. Letterman: Funnily enough, I count all of mine… do you like people? Rauschmonstrum: To the best degree I can, considering I don't really understand humans too well. Letterman: And what don't you understand about us? Rauschmonstrum: Well for one thing, why millions of people would tune in to watch a show like this. [The audience laughs] Letterman: You gotta love this guy. I’m actually surprised this movie got made. I had been hearing since I was a kid “oh, they’re making a Jesus & Me movie,” and nothing would come up. So this time around when it was actually getting made I still didn’t believe it was really happening until I saw the first trailer.

Rauschmonstrum: And quite the trailer it was if I do say so myself. Letterman: Yes, and I’m sure the movie will do very well. Everyone knows the book, and Tom Cruise is a box office smash for everything he’s ever been in. And they’ve got Willem Dafoe playing you, don’t they? For scenes where he’s in human form? Rauschmonstrum: Yes they do. And Dafoe really does a splendid job. Everybody in it does. Letterman: I certainly look forward to seeing it. The Rauschmonstrum everybody! The movie Jesus & Me comes out next week. Don't miss it.

60 Minutes- 2002 The Rauschmonstrum appeared on 60 Minutes for an interview with Mike Wallace to discuss his achievements since the release of his first book, as well as his plans for the future. [Mike Wallace stands addressing the camera] Wallace: The Rauschmonstrum is perhaps the most famous being on the face of the Earth. Since revealing himself to the world with the publication of his 1957 book Jesus & Me, he has been a mainstay on the world stage; publishing further books, educating, making movies, and leading technological innovation. He founded RauschSoft in 1975 with cofounders Marshall McLuhan and Bill Gates, and later left the company to found RauschSearch, an internet search engine which has since spread to providing other internet services as well. [The outside of a huge mansion surrounded by trees is shown on screen] Wallace: [Voiceover] Nowadays, the Rauschmonstrum, or Ol’ Rausch as he is affectionately referred to from time to time, spends much of his time in his sprawling, Xanadu-esque estate in San Simeon, California. Oftentimes, he is entertaining friends, many of whom are amongst the top levels of Hollywood, Wall Street, and Washington. As always, he has several projects in the air at once. [The Rauschmonstrum is in the shape of a person, wearing a smoking jacket, sitting across from Wallace] Wallace: It’s been around 45 years since we’ve spoken last. Rausch: You haven’t aged a day.

Wallace: [chuckling] And you really haven’t aged a day. It’s still pretty common for people to come up and tell me that that interview we did that day changed the course of history. Rausch: Do you agree with them? Wallace: I don’t see how I couldn’t. As I re-watch it though, I’m struck by something you said. You said “for the foreseeable future, I plan on being a writer, a speaker, a developer of ideas, and a general public figure.” That’s more or less exactly what you’ve done. Rausch: Yes it has. Wallace: How have things deviated from what you’ve imagined? Rausch: I didn’t expect to be the business tycoon I became. That was just a fluke of circumstance. Wallace: There are always surprises. Rausch: Indeed. Wallace: In what other ways have things been different from what you expected? Rausch: Well, most importantly I’ve become involved with so many different people that I find myself with levels of empathy for the human condition more than I ever had before, and it keeps growing and growing. Wallace: Would you have been as destructive as you were in the past if you had possessed this empathy? Rausch: No, probably not.

[Shots are shown from the inside of Rauschmonstrum’s house. There are Picasso and Renoir paintings on the wall, large bookcases filled with books, and lots of photographs of the Rauschmonstrum with many famous people] Wallace: [voiceover] Nowadays, having left the boards of all his companies, and slowing the pace of his output, he seems less interested in celebrity. [We are back to Wallace and the Rauschmonstrum sitting across from each other] Wallace: Do you have any concrete plans? Rausch: No. I’m working on a new book, which is moving a lot more slowly than usual, and other than that I’m pretty idle. Wallace: You sound a bit weary. That’s not a tone people are used to hearing from you. Rausch: Well, there’s a lecture by the philosopher Alan Watts where he says that if a person were able to make all their desires happen at will, after they’ve finished exploring all those desires, boredom and emptiness set in. Wallace: So you’re bored, Rauschmonstrum? Rausch: In a way. Wallace: Should we all be concerned by that? You’re liable to do any number of unsavory things to soothe your boredom. Rausch: No, I don’t think there’s anything for anyone to worry about. As I mentioned before, I care much more about humanity now than I ever did before, and I could never bring myself to behave badly as I used to.

Wallace: The major religions have all pretty much faded away, much as you said you hoped would happen during our first interview more than forty years ago. Do you think that has been a completely positive turn of events? Rausch: No. Wallace: No? Rausch: There have been drawbacks. Some of these drawbacks I predicted, such as morals loosening. That hasn’t been the worst of it though. What has been the worst of it, and which I wish I had considered before, is that there are rituals associated with religion which tap into certain biological needs, which are harder to fulfill through secular means. Wallace: Such as? Rausch: Namely community. If you gather a group of people together to worship a big orb they think cares about them, the people are quite likely to care about the folks worshipping the orb with them. Decreased religiosity has caused a decrease in the amount of thread connecting individuals with each other, and the secular alternatives to this kind of communion aren’t very good. Political movements are one of these alternatives and…you know where that goes. Wallace: Many commentators have been writing about that problem as of late. Rausch: And for good reason. Wallace: Some have turned to worship you as a replacement.

Rausch: As they have for many years, and I always make a point to tell them to stop it. They’ll inevitably end up disappointed. I’m a monster, not a deity. Wallace: Do you ever think to yourself considering all your worldly success “is this all there is?” Rausch: Honestly, yes. Wallace: That’s a thought that will leave a lot of people feeling cold. If the Rauschmonstrum isn’t happy, how can mere mortals hope to be happy? Rausch: I don’t know what to tell you. Wallace: [voiceover]: 60 Minutes will return after these messages.

The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien- 2009 The Rauschmonstrum appeared on the Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien to promote his book ‘Photographs With Famous People.’ Conan: There’s no other way to put this than by saying our next guest is a massive ham. [The audience laughs] Conan: He’s released many books, most of which I think he puts out just to gloat about all the interesting things he’s done. His newest one is caused Photographs With Famous People which is a collection of well… photos of him with famous people. Please welcome the Rauschmonstrum! [The Rauschmonstrum comes out and floats over the guest couch] Conan: Wow, welcome. This is a massive thrill for me and I’ll tell you why. RM: Do tell. Conan: You gave the commencement address when I graduated from Harvard. RM: That was your class? Conan: Yes, I remember we were all mesmerized by you. I think if all the living presidents at that point in time had been there giving that commencement address together instead of you, it still wouldn’t have been as thrilling as yours was. RM: Well I’ve met all the living presidents, Trust me, they aren’t much competition.

[Laughter from the audience] Conan: I believe in a situation like yours, all you need to do is say you want to talk to the president and they go “whatever you want, you’re the Rauschmonstrum.” RM: It doesn’t go exactly like that, but I do tend to meet with presidents, yes. Conan: Who was the first President that you met? RM: Well let’s see…I saw John Quincy Adams bathing naked in a river once. [There’s laughter from the audience as Conan gives an odd look] Conan: You watched President John Quincy Adams taking a bath? RM: Afraid so. Conan: But that’s not the same thing as meeting him. Well…for some of the less savory members in our audience maybe it is, but who was the first president you actually talked to? RM: FDR in his later years. Conan: Right. RM: The first one I was friendly with was Harry Truman though. Conan: And what kind of guy was he? RM: Nice fella. He drank a lot though.

Conan: Of course he did. We’ve actually got this photograph here. [Conan holds up a photograph of Rauschmonstrum floating in the oval office above some presidents, who stand side by side] Conan: Care to tell me who you’re with here? RM: That’s shortly after the inauguration of President Obama. There I am with him, President Gingrich, President Brown, President Dole, and President Mailer in what was actually the last photograph of him taken before his death. Conan: Oh wow, I didn’t know that. I had President Mailer on a couple of times over the years; endlessly entertaining guy. RM: Yes he was. [Conan takes out another photograph] Conan: And what about this photo? RM: That’s me on a golf course with the two Presidents Kennedy during a round of golf. This would have been in ’73 when John had been out of office for about ten years and Bobby still had to wait around for his turn in office. Conan: It always makes me sad that JFK died right before his brother won the presidency. He never got to see it. RM: Yes, three days before the ’76 election. It was a real shame. Addison’s Disease is terrible. Conan: And who else have you known? You knew the Rat Pack, didn’t you?

RM: Yes, I knew Frank, Dean, and Sammy really well. Great guys. Conan: And I didn’t know this until recently, but you knew the Beatles. RM: Yes, I did. [There is a cheer from the audience. Conan holds up a picture of the Rauschmonstrum with the Beatles] Conan: Here you are with them in studio. RM: It was always great fun to visit them when they were recording. In fact, I played an interesting role in their history. Conan: Do tell. RM: I’m sure McCartney will back this up, but shortly after they released their Revolver album I had been telling them a story about a British military man I had known in Germany shortly after the war who was named Sgt. Pepper. [Conan gives a frazzled look as the crowd cheers] RM: Next thing I know, a few months later I’m back in the studio at Abbey Road, and they’re singing a song about the guy. Conan: Wow, that is some story. RM: It was a horror when John was killed. Very sad. Conan: It stunned me. I was down and out for months after it happened. On a similar point, as someone who’s immortal, it must be very difficult for you to outlive everyone you’ll ever know.

RM: Yes, it’s…it’s certainly been a lot harder since I became a public figure and started developing a lot of friendships. As you know, I can do most anything, but I can’t keep people alive forever. That powerlessness can cause disastrous feelings within myself. [The audience gives a sad ‘awwwwww.’ There is a pause] Conan: Well on that note… [The audience laughs] Conan: Am I hearing correctly you’ve written a screenplay for another movie? RM: Yes, but I prefer not to speak about it as this time. It’s in pre-production. Conan: Well, whatever it is, I look forward to it. Man was Jesus & Mea great movie. I saw it ten times. How about you folks? [The crowd applauds] RM: Thank you. The Jesus & Me movie is something I’m very proud of. The Best Picture Oscar statue I have for it is one of my proudest possessions. Conan: Mr. Rausch it’s been an honor to see you. I’m sure the book will be a success, it’s called Photographs with Famous People, it’s in bookstores everywhere. We’ll be right back. [The audience cheers]

Tavis Smiley- 2011 The Rauschmonstrum was a guest on Tavis Smiley’s PBS program in May of 2011, along with Professor Cornell West. They discussed the Rauschmonstrum’s new book Helping Africa; Eliminating Poverty, and the Rauschmonstrum’s questionable role in the history of American slavery. Smiley: The Rauschmonstrum is…well you know who the Rauschmonstrum is. During the last 50 years, he has upended religious beliefs around the world. According to the last Gallup poll, less than 2% of all Americans under the age of 60 hold faith in a deity. He is the founder of RauschSoft and RauschSearch, which are the two biggest companies in the world, and is the author of many books, including the bestselling book of all time Jesus & Me. He now has a new book out called Helping Africa; Eliminating Poverty, which details his philanthropic efforts to wipeout disease, and lift people out of poverty in Africa. He has donated a whopping fifty billion dollars of his own personal fortune in order to achieve these goals, and he’s here to discuss them with us. Thanks for joining us Mr. Rausch. Rausch: My pleasure Tavis. You run quite the program here. It’s splendid television. Smiley: Thank you. Also joining us is a man who has been on this show many times before. He is a professor of African-American studies at Princeton University, and is the author of a number of influential books including Race Matters and Democracy Matters. He is of course Dr. Cornel West, and it is a pleasure to have him here as well. West: Thank you Tavis. It’s great to be in this chair once again brother.

Smiley: Starting with Mr. Rausch, do you really expect to fully wipeout poverty in Africa over the next ten years the way you seem to in your book? Rausch: I don’t know if it’ll ever be done fully. America is the most advanced country on Earth, and yet we still have poor people. The bible says “the poor will always be with us,” and that line is actually true. Regardless, I am confident that within ten years, extreme poverty will be wiped out worldwide, and will no longer be something Africa has to deal with. Smiley: I’ve read through this book pretty closely and you obviously did an extraordinary amount of analysis into the empirical data of these problems, and acquired a massive amount of first-hand knowledge you got through visiting Africa. Rausch: Yes. First of all, I’ve spent a lot of time in Africa over the years and so I had a good grasp of the problems they’ve been dealing with for a long time as it is. However, ashamedly I hadn’t gone there for quite some time, pretty much since I released my first book and became a public figure. However, I was having a talk with my friend Warren Buffet of Berkshire Hathaway, along with Bill Gates one of my co-founders of RauschSoft, both of whom dedicate much of their time and money to philanthropy. After many long talks with them on the subject, I decided it was about time that I engage in philanthropic efforts. Smiley: And what specific things did you concentrate on to help Africa? Rausch: Mainly vaccinations, food and water, tools for agriculture, and educating people over there on how to put the agricultural tools to use. I also can’t discount the

investment in new forms of energy. I’ve started a new company, RauschSolar, to help fill that need. Cornel: I admire your work here brother. Smiley: As do I. There’s something I’d like to ask you, and I’m a bit embarrassed to even say it. However, since everyone knows how you made enough bread and fish for Jesus to feed thousands of people, couldn’t you just make all the food Africa needs forever? Rausch: I can do things like that in the short term, but once all the food I create is eaten and gone, they would need my help again, and again, and again. What I’m doing is making for long term positive change. Smiley: The whole ‘teach a man to fish’ thing? Rausch: Exactly. West: Brother Rauschmonstrum, I like what I’m hearing about the work you’re doing in Africa, a continent that has endured so much hurt over the years. I visit there as much as I can, to do the work within my capabilities so that I may help the needy. However, considering your great wealth, power, and influence, I must chide you for not doing any work of this type up to this point. I don’t just mean over there in Africa. You’ve shown neglect for the poor and disfranchised here as well. You had been completely lacking in your charitable endeavors up until now. Rausch: You’re right. I really have no excuse. West: You’ve suffered from idle hands far more than anyone else I’ve ever heard of. For shame Rauschmonstrum. Since we’re here I’d like to ask you a question which I don’t believe you’ve covered in your body of work, or in any of your many

public appearances. How could you allow for the enslavement and subjugation of the African people in the Americas? Rausch: Oh…I supposed I should finally talk about that particular subject. Prominent black intellectuals have been bringing that up for roughly twenty years, including yourself, and I have yet to give a real answer. West: We’ve been mentioning it for a lot longer than twenty years. Brothers Malcolm and Stokely gave speeches about it in the ‘60s. Rausch: Really? I wasn’t aware. West: I hope you don’t try to pull that “I wasn’t aware” line as to why you allowed for the slave trade to go on. Rausch: Here’s the truth. At the time the slave trade was starting it was just the Portuguese doing it, and they were doing so little of it I wasn’t willing to intervene. Then of course came the colonies in the Americas and the slave trade increased. Yet, I thought “huh, it’ll be interesting to see how these colonies develop.” Now, I knew it was wrong, but my curiosity got the best of me. West: That is grossly immoral. Rausch: I am what I am. As you know, I’ve done things worse than that. I have a high tolerance for human cruelty and suffering. I’ve seen so much of it, after all. West: Am I wrong for being suspicious that part of the reason you are were fine sitting idly by is that it was people with dark skin who were suffering?

Rausch: I don’t blame you for your skepticism, but if I told you you’re wrong, would you believe me? West: Not completely. Rausch: I’m a shapeshifting monster, matters of race mean nothing to me. West: I’d hope so. Smiley: I have to agree with Professor West’s skepticism, but if I may bring up some good Mr. Rausch has done on the issue, I recall you once saying you aided the Union during the Civil War. Rausch: That’s right, I did. During General Grant’s drinking binges, I would appear to him in hallucinations and gave him winning strategies. I did this for the battles of Vicksburg and Chattanooga. West: I’m glad you helped in that war even if it was a very roundabout way of doing so, but if you had killed the slave trade in its cradle, none of that would have been necessary, and it doesn’t absolve you of any responsibility. Rausch: It’s true. West: I’d also like to ask you about the genocide of the Native Americans perpetrated by the settlers upon their arrival to the continent. You mentioned before how you cared so much about the colonists you could overlook slavery. Can you say the same for the mass murder of indigenous peoples? [The Rauschmonstrum pauses to think]

Rausch: …I wasn’t around for that. I believe I was in Europe while the worst of the atrocities committed against the indigenous American population was going on. Smiley: But the Atlantic slave trade and the massacring of the Natives were going on at the same time. West: Yes, they were. Rausch: That’s the only answer I have. West: I am very disappointed in you, brother. Your answer is an evasion. Rausch: I’m sorry you feel that way. West: There’s one last question I have as I ponder what type of being you are. Do you consider yourself supreme over humanity as a result of your power, wealth, and influence? Rausch: It would be hard for me to say no, considering I could destroy mankind at will, and have always been able to manipulate you all so easily. I’ve thought about it, and I feel that comparing a human, even the most accomplished human, to myself is like comparing a bike to a truck. West: But my brother, there are flaws in your analogy. Bikes may be smaller than trucks, and can’t go as fast, but they are better for the environment and allow their users a good type of exercise. Rausch: That’s a good point Professor West. I had never looked at things that way. Perhaps humans do have the edge in certain regards. I’ll give that some more thought. West: That’s my finest gift, the ability to shape perspective.

Smiley: This sure is some consequential dialogue you’ve engaged in today. Unfortunately, though we’re out of time. West: Thank you Tavis for having us, and hopefully I’ve shed some light on the flaws of this colossus before us so that he may better understand his past failures and use it as fuel in his quest to better the globe and himself, and perhaps the folks at home can learn something from his example as well. Rausch: Thanks for having us Tavis, and it was a pleasure to meet you Dr. West. Smiley: My thanks to the Rauschmonstrum and Cornel West. See you next time, I’m Tavis Smiley.

Opie and Anthony- 2013 In February 2011, The Rauschmonstrum called into the Opie and Anthony radio program with hosts Greg “Opie” Hughes and Anthony Cumia, along with frequent guest Louis C.K, in February 2013. They discussed the Rauschmonstrum’s new book, detailing the atrocities he’d committed over the years, and whether he deserved to be charged with crimes against humanity. Opie: The Rauschmonstrum is on the line. Louis C.K: Is he? I had no idea that interview was today. Anthony: We only let you in on the stuff that applies to you, like when the doughnuts are getting in. Louis C.K: I’m excited. Rauschmonstrum has fascinated me since I was a kid. Opie: Ol’ Rausch, welcome. Rauschmonstrum: Good day gentlemen, how are you? Anthony: All is well sir, we have your book right here, Human Atrocities and My Atrocities, and it’s pretty engrossing stuff. You really let yourself have it in terms of self-criticism over things you did and what you really shouldn’t have done. Rauschmonstrum: Yes, I am of the opinion that in the past I apathetically shrugged off my failings, and when writing this book I decided I must really delve into them in an honest way. Louis C.K: That’s very interesting because when I was first getting started as a standup, I rarely used aspects of my personal life in my material and I feel as though I never really

became any good at it until I took things that had happened to me and things I thought and felt and explored all that stuff in an honest way in my act. After I started doing that, I steadily saw an increase in my quality and positive reactions from the audience. Anthony: Wow Rausch, looks like you have something in common with Louis here. Rauschmonstrum: Perhaps I do. Louis C.K: But like, when I say that, I mean I’d reveal negative feelings about my wife and kids, and telling stories about jacking off in public places. The Rauschmonstrum’s books are about things such as using supernatural powers to fool illiterate Middle Easterners into thinking a wandering carpenter was the son of God, in order to create a religion that pretty much ran the world for around 2000 years. What I do doesn’t really compare. Opie: You got down on yourself pretty quickly there, Louis. Louis C.K: But like, Rausch I have to wonder because you’ve admitted to terrible, terrible things. Like, if a world leader had done the things you’ve done, he’d have been tried with crimes against humanity, and hung. Opie: It’s true, he would. Anthony: Rauschmonstrum, do you agree with this? Rauschmonstrum: Yes, if I were a person I’d be executed but I’m not a person, I’m a shapeshifting monster, so that stuff can’t happen to me. Anthony: Honest answer there.

Louis C.K: But what I mean is, are there even worse things you’ve done than what you’ve ever admitted to? Like, have you ever cannibalized any babies? [Opie and Anthony laugh] Anthony: Jesus Christ. Rauschmonstrum: No, I have never cannibalized any babies. Opie: Well that’s good to hear. Louis C.K: I’m glad to hear it too. But it makes me wonder, if he told us point blank that he had cannibalized babies, what would we do? Chastise him? Tell him ‘shame on you sir for eating all those babies?’ There’s nothing any of us can do beyond that. [Opie and Anthony laugh] Louis C.K: And not just us, the President of the United States can’t do shit about it either. I mean, he’s the Rauschmonstrum. He can’t get tossed in jail, and I’m not sure he’d even stop getting invited on shows like because he’s so infinitely interesting, and keeps coming up with new inventions for us to use; like replacing the light speed internet he invented with even faster internet. Rauschmonstrum: The worst thing I ever did was probably kill all the firstborns in Egypt. Opie: Did you do that? Louis C.K: He did. Opie: Why?

Rauschmonstrum: It was part of my plan to get Pharaoh to let Moses and the Jews leave. Opie: Shit, that’s right. Anthony: He actually did that. Louis C.K: And Mr. Rauschmonstrum sir, you’re on the record for admitting to massacring all those people in your books and doing all kinds of other killings; has anything ever been done to try to punish you in any way for those things? Rauschmonstrum: No, some countries have symbolically banned me from them, but of course none of that’s enforceable. Opie: What countries? The Islamic ones? Rauschmonstrum: Yes. Anthony: Whatever Islamic countries still exist. How many are left? Two? Rauschmonstrum: The Vatican banned me too back before they got absorbed by Italy. Some of the Southern states banned me in the 60’s, but that passed after a decade or so. Louis C.K: But like, going back to the killing all the Egyptian firstborns thing, could you explain further why you did that? Rauschmonstrum: I was putting plagues on Egypt to get Pharaoh to decide it wasn’t worthwhile keeping any of the slaves around, but he wouldn’t relent. Anthony: This Pharaoh guy sounds stubborn.

Rauschmonstrum: I went to a brothel one night, and while thinking of a big plague that would change Pharaoh’s mind. I did a whole bunch of opium and then decided killing all the firstborns was the thing to do. [Opie, Anthony, and Louie all laugh] Louis C.K: So you’re banging shrieking Egyptian whores and then think “What the hell, I’m gonna kill a whole bunch of children.” Rauschmonstrum: That’s the nature of how this thing occurred. I’m ashamed of it, but that’s what happened. Louis C.K: But that’s not good enough an answer. If after the Tate murders, Charles Manson had said “this happened, and I’m ashamed of it, but hey it’s what happened, too late,” he still would have been given life in prison, and be considered a horrible person by everybody, but because you’re a monster who’s made out of gas, and can smite people at will, we can’t do anything about you. Opie: Wow Louie, you’re really ripping into him. Rauschmonstrum: [jokingly] You’ve got some nerve Louis. Louis C.K: Are you gonna come kill me now? Because if you are, please give me a head’s up beforehand so I can pig out on fast food for a week knowing it won’t come back to haunt me. Rauschmonstrum: Don’t worry, I don’t do that stuff anymore. Louis C.K: Anymore? Rausch, are you saying you’ve engaged in gangland style murders of people who cross you?

Rauschmonstrum: It’s all in my book, but yeah. Sometimes I’ve engaged with the mob in the United States. I was heavily involved with New York and Chicago stuff in the ‘20’s. I don’t want to say much more about it though. Opie: So you like, knew Al Capone and shit? Rauschmonstrum: I’ve already said too much. Louis C.K: What are some of the other really, really bad things you’ve done? I know you created Christianity as a dark, dark joke, and you wish you didn’t do that, and you don’t like a lot of your other misadventures. What else gets you thinking ‘I really should have done that?’ Rauschmonstrum: Coming on this program. [Opie and Anthony laugh] Louis C.K: I’m guessing your real answer is “a lot of things.” Rauschmonstrum: I’d say so, yes. Louis C.K: Would you be willing to just live in a jail cell for a period of a thousand years to atone for what you’ve done? Rauschmonstrum: Nope. Louis C.K: Oh well, I tried. That’s all I can do. Opie: Louis brings up a good point though Mr. Rausch. You’ve done some pretty disastrous things, but you just go on talk shows like this one and everyone seem fine with it. Rauschmonstrum: I can be very persuasive.

Anthony: You must be, now that I really think about it. Like, wow. Rauschmonstrum: And there’s the other key thing, ratings. Anthony: You are the ratings king there Mr. Rausch. Louis C.K: Have you ever considered, that if you just made up fictional stories about what you’ve done in your interactions of mankind we would believe you? Like, if you told us there was an intergalactic confederation of planets, and that all these planets had beings like you patrolling them, and that you mingle with these other beings like you, then we would believe your story and the laws of physics would be rewritten based around what you said. Rauschmonstrum: You may have just come up with the plotline for my next book. Louis C.K: I’d demand royalties for that book, but I’m afraid if I did that you’d kill me. Opie: He probably would kill you, Louis. Rauschmonstrum: I’ve got to get going boys. Louis C.K: Wait, wait, before you go, I’d like to ask you one more thing. Rauschmonstrum: Go ahead. Louis C.K: How do you have sex? I ask because you mentioned banging whores, but you’re a messy blob of smoke and I wonder how you do it. I’m a messy blob too, and that can make sex difficult, but at least I’m a person. Anthony: He shapeshifts, Louis.

Opie: Yeah Louis, that should be obvious. Louis C.K: I know that. But when you shapeshift, do you give yourself fifteen penises and pleasure several girls at once? Rauschmonstrum: Goodbye boys. [Rauschmonstrum hangs up. Opie, Anthony, and Louis burst into laughter] Anthony: Dear God. Opie: Nobody’s ever talked to him like that Louis. Louis C.K: I kept reading about him, and thinking ‘he’s killed a lot of people, yet he’s gone on Carson and discussed playing golf, and goofed off with Letterman, and been all serious with Charlie Rose; I figured it was about time for him to be treated irreverently. Opie: He’s totally gonna kill you man. Louis C.K: Probably, but there’s nothing I can do about that now. In case you were worried, The Rauschmonstrum never did seek revenge on Louis C.K.

Oprah- 2015 The Rauschmonstrum appeared for an interview with Oprah Winfrey in December of 2015 to promote his new mobile app, Stack of Morals. Oprah: As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been trying to get the Rauschmonstrum to appear on this network for a long time. I would call and call and call and call and call, and…nothing. [The audience laughs] Then, last month I’m sitting at home typing along and low and behold the phone rang and it was him. [The audience cheers] Oprah: Once I got past the stage of repeatedly asking “seriously, is this a joke?” he told me all about the new project he’d been working on in secret; a phone app for people to construct moral codes for themselves. He gave me a copy of it, and I’ve been trying it out. It’s fantastic. I’m very excited for its possibilities to help people across the world. Please welcome the Rauschmonstrum here to talk about his new app Stack of Morals. [The audience applauds as the Rauschmonstrum walks out in the shape of a human. He walks using a jewel encrusted cane. Ol’ Rausch and Oprah hug, and then they both sit down in their respective chairs] Oprah: Is there a reason you’re using a cane, Rauschmonstrum? You’re not sick, are you? Rausch: Don’t worry my dear, it’s just a stylistic touch. Oprah: I’m glad. You worried me there. I’m not sure if anyone’s ever asked you this, but is it possible for you to get sick?

Rausch: Yes. Oprah: Really? Rausch: Yes, I can. Occasionally pathogens get to me, and my powers and speed diminish for a period of time. Sometimes I’ve gone for decades that way. Oprah: Yikes. But anyway, this is quite the project you've put together here. Have you made any phone apps before? Rausch: No, this is the first one I've done. Oprah: Had you done any computer coding before? Rausch: I learned just for this. I learn fast, Oprah. Oprah: So I've heard. Now what everybody here's thinking is what is the Rauschmonstrum doing releasing something like this? You're the guy who tore down religion, now you seem to be making a new one. Rausch: I wouldn't say the purpose of Stack of Morals is to make a new religion. My intention is to bring forth the 21st century version of religion. Oprah: Explain that for us. What will Stack of Morals do for people to improve their lives? Rausch: What Stack of Morals will do for people is it will help them construct their own personal moral codes for themselves through a combination of personality tests, education on different philosophies, and repetition. Oprah: With the goal of providing a moral structure to peoples' lives?

Rausch: Yes, that's the hope. Oprah: In my parents' day it seems as though religion provided the moral structure for most people, and now with religious populations having declined to such a small number, that's all gone. Rausch: Yes. I don't mean that morality itself is gone, but it is hard now for well-meaning people to figure out a standardized way to behave which'll benefit themselves and society in the long term. Oprah: So the old religions did perform a purpose? Rausch: They did. Oprah: Do you regret ever revealing they were made up? Rausch: The old religions were all false, and great amounts of destruction was done in their name. However, they were all incredibly useful for maintaining strong communities and civic life. Those things have been damaged in recent decades. I'm suspicious religious faith also taps into parts of human biology which help ward off melancholia. Obviously the old religions aren't coming back, nor should they. However, since I was the one who ushered in the old, I may as well also be the one to usher in the new. Oprah: I've been trying out the Stack of Morals app. It's really easy to use, I really think it's something people will be able to slip into their lives for everyday use rather easily. Rausch: I'm glad to hear it. Oprah: And it's stimulating going through the process. I feel by using your app I'm learning so much about human nature, and how our minds work, and how we form habits, and

change behavior. Rausch: That was exactly my intention when I began the app's development. Oprah: I look forward to continuing the journey. As you know, there are many people who quite literally worship you. Rausch: Of course; the Rauschmen. I'll take this opportunity to once again denounce them and implore them to disband. Oprah: The Rauschmen aren’t too happy about this new app you've made. They think it's below your capabilities. Rausch: Yes, I've heard, but then again they're never happy about any of the stuff I'm up to. As far as the Rauschmen are concerned, the only action worthy of me is to enslave the human race. Which is simply something I won't do. Oprah: Why do the Rauschmen want you to do that? Rausch: Their hope is after I enslave the human race, a government could be set up where the Rauschmen are in charge. As is usually a case, these people are just after power. Oprah: I see. The Rauschmen membership is growing though, isn't it? I saw the stats; they're shooting up. Rausch: Yes, and I think that is one of the symptoms of the decline of the old religions. Hopefully as Stack of Morals gains popularity, there will be no need of groups like The Rauschmen. Oprah: You've also become a bigger and bigger philanthropist in the last couple of years. The percentage of those in poverty in Africa has declined severely in the last couple of years, and I'm sure that's due to your work.

[The audience applauds] Oprah: And they gave you the Nobel Prize for it too. Rausch: It was an honor and surprise to get it. Oprah: It's been discussed that some countries over in Africa could wind up change their names so that they're named after you. Rausch: I'd like to dissuade any countries from naming themselves after me. However, if any of them insist, my favorites of the potential names I've heard are Rauschanzia, Rauschland, and Rauschrica. [Laughter from the audience] Oprah: Rauschmonstrum it's been a big treat having you here with us. Please come back soon, I'd really encourage the folks at home to check out Stack of Morals. It’s a fantastic app that can really do a lot of people some good. Rausch: Thank you Oprah. [The crowd applauds as the Rauschmonstrum and Oprah get up, shake hands, and hug]

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon - 2016 The Rauschmonstrum had his last interview to date with Jimmy Fallon on December 10th 2016. He discussed his farewell book ‘If I Would Ever Leave You’ the recent election of Donald J. Trump as president, and gave some life advice to the audience. Fallon: I’m so excited for our first guest, he’s got a new book out entitled If I Would Ever Leave You, he needs no further introduction, please welcome The Rauschmonstrum. [The audience applauds as Ol’ Rausch floats out] Fallon: Wow, it’s so good to see you. Man, I remember when I was a kid, religion was actually a thing and now it’s all gone. [There’s a thunderous applause from the crowd] Rausch: Your audience seems to approve. Fallon: It blows my mind just thinking about the career you’ve had, and the people you’ve known. In my time, nobody seems to have had a cooler time than you. You’re just a behemoth. I mean, you made RauschSoft and RauschSearch for goodness sake! Rausch: You flatter me so. Fallon: I use those things every day. Rausch: That’s not special. So does everybody else. [The audience laughs]

Fallon: There’s nobody like the Rauschmonstrum to take you down a peg. So, I was doing some reading, and Stack of Morals seems like it’s really picking up momentum. Rausch: It’s the fifth most downloaded app in the world last time I checked. Fallon: Rightfully so, it’s an amazing app. I find it really helps me keep my priorities straight. Rausch: And be a better person? Fallon: And be a better person, that’s right. How about you folks? Does Stack of Morals help you? [The audience applauds] Fallon: Seems like it does. Rausch: That makes me very happy. Fallon: Is Jesus & Me the best book you’ve done? Rausch: The books are a lot like children. I have a hard time choosing between them, but Jesus & Me is definitely the most important book I did. Fallon: I know you’re not a person, and so it’s a bit different for you, but there’s no way anyone in the history of the world has ever done as much as you, is there? Rausch: Well, that’s probably true. However, I maintain that anybody could do what I do if they had certain gifts I have, such as living forever and not needing any sleep. [The audience laughs]

Fallon: That’ll do it. These last couple of days I was reading some of your new book If I Would Ever Leave You. I’m not going to pretend I’ve finished it yet, but it’s kind of structured like a goodbye note, almost as though you plan on leaving us…Rauschmonstrum are you planning on leaving us? Rausch: I might. [Shock is expressed from the audience] Fallon: Seriously? Rausch: I’ve been in the public eye now for almost sixty years, and it may be time to just go away and let humans do things on their own without me inserting myself into everything. I haven’t decided for certain though. Fallon: Tell me how I can change your mind. Rausch: If I think of anything, I’ll let you know. Fallon: I’ve got this photograph here. Tell me if you recognize it. [Fallon pulls out a photograph and holds it up] Rausch: That’s me with President-elect Trump. Fallon: When would this have been? Rausch: The mid ‘80s I’d say, based on his hair. [The audience laughs] Fallon: Did you know each other well?

Rausch: Well, we were friends with a lot of the same people. I sometimes would go to his casinos. Fallon: You’re a gambling man, Rauschmonstrum? Rausch: I’ve been known to play a little blackjack or place a bet on a baseball game. Fallon: Have you ever used your powers to rig things so that you’d win your bet? Rausch: If I answer that question I won’t be allowed in any casinos every again. [The audience laughs] Fallon: Say no more. Rausch: I also would meet Trump sometimes at parties and we’d make chitchat. He occasionally asked me to make public appearances at the ribbon cuttings for the grand openings of some of his hotels. Fallon: Did you ever go to any of those? Rausch: [chuckling] No, of course not. [The audience laughs] Fallon: Would you ever have guessed he’d be elected President of the United States? Rausch: In conversation he sometimes brought up the idea of running. However, as anyone who knows him would tell you, he brings up a LOT of ideas in conversation. So no, I didn’t think he’d actually go through with this, and I’m surprised the people voted him in. But then again, his

communication skills were always off the charts, so maybe I shouldn’t be surprised. Fallon: I have to ask, does him winning have anything to do with why you’re thinking of leaving us? [Laughter from the audience] Rausch: Well no, this book was finished months beforehand. Fallon: I see. Rausch: His election hasn’t exactly made me want to change my mind though. [The audience laughs] Fallon: I’m not surprised. Where would you go by the way? Do you have some kind of fortress of solitude like Superman? Rausch: I’ve got plenty of those, but if I’m going to leave, I think I’ll do it proper and float around the universe for a long while. Fallon: When you say long while, how long do you mean? Rausch: Oh, nothing too time consuming, only five hundred years or so. [The audience laughs] Fallon: I guess I’ll set my timer for that year then. Rausch: Do it and I’ll be happy to join you on your program again for my return interview.

Fallon: Hey, considering the life extension technology I keep reading about, maybe I’ll actually be able to live that long. Rausch: I invented a lot of those life extension technologies by the way. Fallon: That’s right you did! God, you’ve done so much for us. The possibility of you going away is just unbelievable. I’d like to say it’s like your favorite TV show going off the air, but that’s underplaying things a bit. It’s more like your ten favorite shows of all time going off the air at once. [The audience laughs] Rausch: Once again it’s not set in stone, but all things must pass after all. Everyone will get over it a lot sooner than they think. Fallon: My fingers are crossed that it doesn’t happen. But if you do decide to go, and if this is somehow the last interview you ever do, is there any parting advice you’d like to give us humans? Rausch: Well, you’ll find everything I say in the book, but what I can tell you is to treat each other kindly, be conscious that your personal relationships are the most important parts of your life, don’t drink too much, value time more than money, and ultimately just do the best you can, and accept that ultimately there’s only so much a person can do in a lifetime, and you can’t feel bad for not doing everything you wanted, or not getting everything you wanted. [The crowd begins to clap slowly. Soon the clapping evolves into loud sustained applause] Fallon: Well said Mr. Rausch, well said. That was beautiful.

Rausch: Thank you. Of course I would also recommend to the people watching this that they check out any of the books I’ve published over the years. Fallon: That’s right, you’ve got so many great books. Your book Foreign Policy, Adventurers, and Sex and What I Would Have Done Differently are some of my all-time favorites. Rausch: Both of which are available on Amazon by the way. [The audience laughs] Fallon: Always ready to stick in a plug. Rausch: Of course. I’ve been in this game a long time, I know how it works. Fallon: I usually ask my guests to play a game with me on the show, something with music or dancing or something, but with you I kind of feel like it’s below your dignity. So all I can tell you is I hope you don’t go anywhere, and instead you stick around giving us more and more interesting work for years to come. Rausch: We’ll see Jimmy, we’ll see. Fallon: I’ll keep my hopes up. The Rauschmonstrum everybody! [The crowd applauds like mad] The Rauschmonstrum has not been seen since. To date that was his final interview.

About the Author Nick LaTorre is the author of the Rauschmonstrum themed books, The Gospel of the Rauschmonstrum and Further Sketches of the Rauschmonstrum. He is also the author of The Rise and Fall of the Horde, a story about college hooligans.