Rock Her World: A Man's Guide to Women

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Author: Ken L. Kupstis

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Rock Her World: A Man's Guide to Women Copyright © 2005 K. K ISBN: 1-55410-996-5 Cover design by Martine Jardin All rights reserved. Except for use in any review, the reproduction or utilization of this work in whole or in part in any form by any electronic, mechanical or other means, now known or hereafter invented, is forbidden without the written permission of the publisher. Published by eXtasy Books, a division of Zumaya Publications, 2005 Look for us online at: www.zumayapublications.com www.extasybooks.com

“Ah, Woman! If only we could fall into her arms Without falling into her hands!” --Ambrose Bierce

Dedication: To God The Father, The Son, and The Holy Ghost

Thanks For creating the Mystery that is Woman! (And for letting K.K. curl up with a few good mysteries!)

Mack-Nowledgements This book would not have been possible without the assistance of the following lovely ladies (Hallowed be their names, World without end)…True Metal Thanks to: Lisa “Red Hot Rock Goddess” Caraglio, Judy “Front Reaux Heaux” Bambrick, “Hurricane” Barbara Hicks+, Denise “The NonMonogamist” Martin, Breeze Royer*, “Erica “Vampirella” Crawford, Dorothy Bell The Headbanging Real Estate Agent, Yvonne and Petra Wijs and their family (Thanks for sheltering us during the hurricanes), Theresa “But what if I want to?” Tyler+, Laura “Lumberjack” Lockler+, Kelly “Candy Store” Rock+, Geraldine “Haven’t heard you complain yet” Logan+, Patricia “Shut Uuuuup!” DeAnda, Angela “Hard man’s good to find” Mitchell, Amanda “Coconut Goddess” Osborn, Maria “Rapunzel” Deering+*, Theresa “You Need to land on something of Mine” (Ahem, that’s in the context of Monopoly, ya perverts) Boscheinen, Adria “Plutonium” Perry, Rachel Hrinko, Catherine “Thank God For Consonants” Blitch+*, Monique “Der Kleine Deutsch Maus” Altmann, Heike “Der Angel Mit 4 Kilos” Auchenbach, Caren “It’s So Hot in here” Kammer, Elaine “I’m a millionaire-ess” Hannis, Robin “Cometgirl” Haley*, Tara “Oh Yeah, what’s That on your Neck?” O’Brien+, Helen “How’s it coming?” Henderson, Kim “Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit outta my hat” Aiello+, Joyce “Strike for the sisterhood” Leggette, Shanna “Ravishing” Ravitch+, Mary “Contrary Mary” Dews, Joanne “Hell hath no fury” (You’re absolutely right) Cole, Patricia “Mocha Goddess” Menzies, Mridula “Apsara” Chintamani, Kim

“Stormtrooper” Steuer, Sandi “Motormount” Fox+*, Karen “Cheshire Cat” McGoff*, Beth “I am not Complexwoman” Fahey, Michelle “Good Morrrrrning” Oates+*, Tricia “Trish the Dish” Henderson*, Deborah “T for Texas” Lawson, Antoinette “I MISS you---Hahahaha!” Homitz+, Andi “You don’t Need to know how old I am” Chatterton*, Samantha “Sub Commander” Treme*, Laura “Warp 9, Mr. Sulu” Collopy, Jill “Smooth” Uppling*, Lorraine Gunderson, Darcy English, Kelli “But you already got some” Unruh-King, Michelle “What’s in a name?” Sexton, Juliette “There goes the neighborhood” Castille+, Anne Bowdenheimer, Marjorie “The Detective “ Stange, Jacqueline Paulus, Catherine “One Take” Gulliver, Debbie Boatman, Shannon “We’re, ah, going to the movies, yeah” Wade, Missy Tomlinson, Nikki “This isn’t Burger King” Fultz, Zoe Amarilli, Shari Allred, Beth “Energizer” Edwards, Lisa “Bon soir, mon stupeed Americain” Bonet, Carolyn Gunnis (No Voodoo please, we’re honkies), Brandy “Summer mad, summer crazy” Watley, Trish “Latex Goddess” Antonucci+, Cathy Lazaroff, Tanya Alvarado-Reevz, Angela “Lotus Blossom” Park, Lisa England, Vicky Cromb, Dawn and her amazing sinsemilla parrot+, Suzy, Maria, ummmm, getting fuzzy now…and all other Hotties worldwide; light years of love, and best wishes for your continued success. (+=Indicates these lovely ladies are somewhere in the ‘Overkill /Olympic Gold Medalist /Ferocious /”It’s Not Just A Job, It’s An Adventure!” /Highly Motivated /”Say my name, bitch!” /Scary /”DAMN this is fun” /Highly skilled /”Leave ‘em in the back room with me, and you’ll have your signed confession within the hour” categories when it comes to making love. They might be married by now, but if they’re not, and you meet them, congratulations and good luck. Back braces are on sale on Aisle Twelve.) (* = All is forgiven; I’m ready for further punishment. The email’s [email protected].)

More True-Metal Thanks To: Anthony Robbins, Bill Phillips, Joe Weider, Bill W., Robert J. Ringer, Hugh Hefner, Asa Baber, Dr. Warren Farrell, The Bloody Well Right Reverend Chad Varah, Dr. Barbara DeAngelis, Dr. Laura Schlesinger, Sam Kinison (R.I.P.), Nina Hartley, Robert Schimmel, Martin Lawrence, Chris Rock, Paul “Black Ops” Johnson, Aaron “Androk” Andrews, Keith & Lisa Gouveia, The Horror Writers of America, The Screen Actor’s Guild, The faculty of St. Thomas University, First Christian Church of Kissimmee, Cornerstone Christian Fellowship of Las Vegas, Epcot Center’s Vista Way Apartments (“With a two-day pass, you get Ken and his roommate”), Manowar, Raven Anvil and all other Brothers of True Metal, my cyber-posse at Tickle.com and Answerology.com, all the Toaster-hot babes of eXtasy Books, and all of my family, friends, lovers, co-workers and readers worldwide…roKK on!!!

No Thanks To: Christy (“Hold still while I destroy your entire existence”) Lynn. As Jesus commands it, you are forgiven. Still, I won’t be surprised if Satan has a pack of horny timber-wolves waiting for you in hell. Also an iron-fisted posthumous PIMP-SLAP to whichever of our 'Legislators' took it upon themselves to outlaw Polygamy, here in the “Land of the free”.

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Introduction: Like a Blind Man At An Orgy…

“L

ike a blind man at an orgy…I was gonna have to feel things out…”

Quick! What movie?* Never mind…I thought that quote was relevant ‘cause it really summed up twenty years of tomcattin’—er, social studies. I think I was twelve when Mom & Dad sat me down for the allimportant “Sex Talk”, which contained many stunning revelations indeed. Afterwards I knew what sex was, how kids were made, birth control, what not to do “If you want to live under our roof!”, etc. (By the way, Mom & Dad, if you’re reading this, thanks. You did a good job, considering my hyperactive mental state.) However, what I didn’t learn, and what should be just as important for us guys… Was how to initiate a relationship! I guess you didn’t learn it either, since you’re wisely reading this book. After Ye Olde Sex Talk, I assumed that girls would simply jump right into my lap after puberty. Ha! Little did I know of the soul-wrenching trial-and-error I’d have to endure all the way up to high school. Granted, our parents shouldn’t have to tell us everything, but then again very few courtship rituals are encoded in our DNA. Like the aforementioned blind man, I and my friends stumbled through our first relationships with girls, 1

Rock Her World: A Man's Guide to Women

acting on hearsay, misconceptions, outdated advice, and generally trying everything in the book (usually some dog-eared copy of Playboy) that we thought would impress the ladies. Feminism and Women’s Liberation were bursting out about this same time, and it seemed like a light at the end of the tunnel. “This’ll be great!” I thought. “Now the shoe will be on the other foot. Now the girls will start asking us out.” Ha! After dusting off the spiderwebs of that little waiting period, I grudgingly accepted the notion that initiating the relationship was up to the man, and jumped back into the fray. A few thousand slaps later, the trial and error gradually paid off, until I’d dated over a hundred women. This to me was no big deal, but when a co-worker said “K.K., you’ve gotta help me get some women”, I thought maybe I could help my fellow man. And ever the bookworm, I started roving the libraries for guides on women themselves. Ha! To my amazement, there was—and still is—practically nothing on the subjects of relationships written for men. There were some books on the topic of repairing or strengthening existing relationships (a lot of them blaming men for necessitating the ‘repairs’), but not a whole lot on how to get into a relationship. And here it is, a shining new Millennium for the gloriously equal sexes, and whose responsibility is it to make the first move? Ha! That’s right, it’s ours. But relax. There is such a guidebook now, and you’re holding it in your sweating, possibly well-calloused hands. Rock Her World isn’t just a book on ‘how to pick up girls’; I think it’s all that and a side of fries. This book will improve your success with women, but that success is yours to define. If you want to court a girl and marry her, here you go. If you want a menage-atrois with some Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, here you go. Let me clarify a few things first: Most of what I’ve learned is based on one hundred and seventyseven American girls and thirteen girls from other countries. And what I’ve found, beyond obvious sexual similarities, is that all women 2

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are individuals, like we are. We’re all different. I don’t pretend to know how all women think, and I’d be highly suspicious of anyone who claims they know. So when I use the terms girls or women, keep in mind I’m referring to most women, and principally American women. To this effect, you might also see the acronym MCD pop up from time to time: MCD stands for Most Common Denominator, or how most of my ‘Class of 190’ felt on a certain topic. Secondly, if you’re looking for the letters “PH.D.” (or “Piled Higher and Deeper”, as I like to say) next to my name, you can stop looking now. I’m a writer/actor/laborer. I’m not a priest, gynecologist, social worker or shrink, and I feel great about it. Guess who was considered ‘The Father of Human Sexuality’? Dr. Sigmund Freud, Ph.D. Guess who died wondering “What do women want?” Dr. Sigmund

Freud, Ph.D! HA! Besides, if I was a Ph.D., this book would be the size of a freakin’ cinderblock and would be crammed with irritating charts, graphs and tests. You know the drill: “Score yourself thirty-three points for every ‘A’, nineteen points for every ‘B’, subtract seven point six for every ‘C’, divide by PI and ask yourself where the hell you are.” (I do hope this doesn’t sour you on any other self-help books by Ph.D.’s you plan to read.) In that spirit, feel free to jump around the book; have fun with it because I designed it to be fun, like our relationships should be fun. It’s got a step-by-step program, but don’t feel you have to follow it in zombie like detail. Maybe you’re already quite successful with women, but you only have one Achilles’ heel that’s troubling you. Chances are, it’s covered in here (If it’s not, log onto www.answerology.com; my expert ID is WRACTOR). Whatever works for you, take it and use it. A final note: I will not train you to hypnotize and/or enslave women on the spot. If you want to hypnotize women, get a hypnotism 3


book. If you want to enslave women, move to Iran. Now, as Metallica would say, J-J-J-Jump In The Fire. *That would be The Naked Gun 331/3: The Final Insult. Buy it!

The Art & Science Of Girlwatching You know, if we weren’t breaking our necks trying to figure out women, impress them, chase them, have sex with them, love them and marry them, we’d probably have a pretty good time just watching women walk around. Look at them. I mean, look at them! All shapes and sizes in attractive designer colors, with wild cascades and curls of shining hair, eyes like radioactive gems, lips like rose petals, dainty lil’ hands, etc. Some have toes that make you go hmmmm, yeah, I would suck on those, come to think of it… some with legs up to their ears, some with legs you’d like to have up to your ears, some with breasts you’d like to go spelunking between, some with adorable asses, some with muscular midsections…and some that you have to look twice at because there might not be a particular gift to their bodies, but there’s something that’s cool about them and you’ve got to know what it is even if you

die trying… Whew! Towel, please, darling…thanks. Love ya. (Smack.) Yes, girl watching is great, it’s your right as an American, and it can make or break your heart. Let me explain the ‘break’ part first, so it need not happen to you:

Try not to judge women solely on their looks. This is difficult, as our (male) sexuality is primarily visual. To warp a phrase, we saw, we conquered, we came. Feminine beauty is one of our most powerful motivators, which is why virtually every advertisement for virtually every product in the world has to have a 4

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white-hot beautiful model hawking it (and hey, the more the merrier, if you ask me). But ‘motivation by beauty’ can be a dangerous weakness, as well. When I attended U of F, I was seeing two nice young co-eds, separately and casually. Each had a particular endearing quality, each was pretty in their way, but neither was a true knockout. Then, walking across the campus one day, I met a true knockout, at least in my opinion. Long strawberry-blonde hair, gleaming blue eyes, Playmate face, Penthouse Pet body, the whole nine yards. Using a ridiculous kamikaze approach, I threw my whole repertoire of jokes and lines at her, and was finally rewarded with her name and phone number. I was in heaven. I immediately called and sent her flowers I couldn’t afford, then called my two girlfriends and broke up with them (“Sorry, it’s not you, it’s me; this is out of my control”), and began calling the knockout for a date. I called her, got her answering machine, kept calling, kept getting her answering machine, and kept it up for probably a week straight until she finally called back…to brusquely inform me that she had a boyfriend, and would I please leave her alone? So, scratch one knockout; scratch fifty bucks in flowers; scratch two nice, faithful, innocent and caring girlfriends who never knew what hit them; scratch my own head wondering what the hell happened. Okay. Laugh your asses off. But I’m pretty sure I’m not alone. I’ll bet about two-thirds of you reading this have dumped one girl for another one just because you thought the other girl was better looking than the first. Might I ask what the results were? (You don’t have to tell me, I can’t hear you right now anyway.) Of course, some of you may have lucked out and found a Playmate and a soul mate at the same time! If so, God bless ya! I like beautiful women as much as the next guy—who doesn’t, really?—but know this: 5


1. Beauty Is An Asset…Not A Virtue. Living with the Penthouse Pet of “X” month of “Y” year might make you the envy of your fellows, but it will not get you into Heaven and rest assured, you will still pay taxes. If she’s beautiful, great. If she’s beautiful and sleeps all day, that’s not so great. If she’s beautiful and sleeps all day and blows all your rent money on cosmetics and coke, that’s far from great. If she’s beautiful and sleeps all day and blows all your rent money on cosmetics and coke and stabs you to see what facial expressions you make, that’s most decidedly ungreat. Also… 2. The Better She Looks, the More Paranoid You Can Get. Some girls are so awesome that you want to keep them under lock & key, ‘cause 'Everybody Wants Some', as the Van Halen song goes. A better song for the subject is Dr. Hook’s 'When You’re In Love With A Beautiful Woman', because it’s packed with sad-but-true messages like “Everybody hangs up when you answer the phone.” One girl I went out with was so good-looking I paid my roommates to go to the movies every time she came over, so they couldn’t meet her. On the other side of the coin, a lot of my friends who had beautiful girlfriends would start turning into werewolves if their girlfriends would try to start a conversation with me, or anyone else, for that matter. Just as bad, or possibly worse, having a beautiful girlfriend can give you an over-inflated 'born to pimp supermodels' ego, or a 'Haha, look who I got, and you can’t have her!' arrogance.

But… 3. Physical Beauty Fades Over Time. Sadly, most really good-looking American women battle like Vikings on crack to ‘stay’ beautiful, which obviously can’t be done forever. Check it out for yourself: if you’re in a college girl’s dorm room, how many cosmetics does she have piled next to the bathroom sink? Then, if you’re in a forty-year-old woman’s house--it could be your aunt’s, 6

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for example--how much does she have? Ah-ha! I had one girlfriend who was slightly older than me, and very attractive. However, it took her an extra ninety minutes to get ready for any date due to the amount of makeup she’d put on…makeup that was utterly unnecessary, in my view. “Almost ready!” meant “I hope you brought a good book”. It got to the point where if I wanted to take her to the 9:30 movies, I’d tell her we were going to the 7:30 showing. So, if you’re attracted to one specific physical attribute of a woman, it could be a private hell trying to build a relationship (and a marriage or a life) around it, although it’s rumored that it has been done. For God’s sake, don’t marry a girl because she’s got great Hair (now)! One day you’re gonna come home and the Debra Jo Fondren (look her up) that you married is gonna greet you as a, ahem, shorthaired girl, and she’s going to ask you how you like it, and you won’t be able to answer her ‘cause your jaw’s going to be self-dislocated. 4. Girl Who Is Wallflower at Party May Be Dandelion in Bed. As Confucius would say. Make no mistake, girls can be quite competitive. And there are quite a few, err, average-looking girls who have realized they might not be able to outshine their really beautiful counterparts, so they’ve made it their personal crusade to out-screw them! Indeed, for every night I’ve spent in bed with a really beautiful woman hoping she’d try something new, get on top, or even just make a sound, I’ve spent five nights with an average-looking girl wrecking the bed, waking up the neighbors and being worshipped like a god! Finally, it’s in your best interest not to overdo the “God, You’re So Beautiful!” compliments until you’re intimate with her. 75% of the beautiful girls I’ve known didn’t think they were THAT good-looking, and got embarrassed by the bombardment of flattery. The other 25% who did think they were ‘all that and a side of fries’ had already been told that a few thousand times, so additional flattery was unoriginal 7


and useless. When you wake up next to her, that’s a good time to say “God, you’re so beautiful!” Up until that point—while you’re still courting her—tell her something she doesn’t know. Admire beauty; appreciate it…don’t drool over it like some mindless lamb to the slaughter. I’m convinced that female beauty attracts us on a genetic level; there isn’t a whole lot we can do about it…but it need not unfairly influence us, or enslave us. If a girl’s beautiful, consider it gravy. If she’s not, she may have other, cooler qualities to make up for it. **** Now, as for beauty’s ability to ‘make or break your heart’, here’s the ‘make’ part. Women are human beings, like ourselves, and human beings are the social animal. Facial expressions, body language and posture say a lot more than meets the eye. So reading a girl’s body language can save you a great

deal of time and/or embarrassment. Let’s say you’re conversing with a woman. Take heed: If her arms are folded, she may be ‘defensive’, possibly listening to you, but not necessarily ‘buying it’. She might be protecting her personal space, perhaps wanting to be left alone. If she’s seated and her legs are crossed and one’s kicking slightly, she may be bored and/or restless. If her head is tilted slightly towards you, she’s interested for the moment. If she tends not to look directly at you (or at all), she is concealing something (or possibly just wishing you’d go away). Hands on her hips indicates readiness for something (especially if they’re your hands). If her hand goes to her throat (like she’s adjusting an imaginary necklace), she may need reassurance about what is being said or done. 8

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If she’s sitting on the edge of her chair, she’s interested for the moment.

If her hands are ‘steepled’ (Fingertips together), she’s confident. If her hands are behind her back, she may be shy or timid. If her ankles are ‘locked’ and/or her hands are clenched, she may be holding back strong feelings and emotions.

Drumming on tables, tapping her feet, resting her face on her hand or giving a blank stare means she’s bored…or perhaps it means those ‘rufies’ you gave her are kicking in. Moving closer to you indicates she’s interested. Discreetly touching your arm may mean she’s comfortable with you or wants to reassure you of something.

Pulling one’s cheek back towards the jaw (often combined with a downward or sideways glance) indicates contempt. If she is wearing a wedding ring, Forget everything (for now) and admire her from afar, unless you enjoy the feeling of bullets puncturing your body. If you really want to know if she’s interested in you and/or comfortable in your presence, the signals to watch for are these: 1. Preening (i.e., fixing or toying with her hair, smoothing her clothes, checking herself out in mirrors, etc.). 2. A subtle roll of the pelvic section. 3. Slow crossing and uncrossing of the legs. 4. Caressing the inside of her calf, knee or thigh. (That’s her caressing the inside of her calf, knee or thigh. If you’re caressing her there, you’re probably home free.) 5. Balancing her shoe on one toe (the origin of the term ‘footloose’). 6. Sitting with one leg tucked under her. 7. Smiling like she’s on MDMA. 8. Licking some sort of foodstuff off her fingers while looking at you. 9. Using her body to ‘block’ any other women in your sight 9


range. 10. Direct, continuous eye contact with you, you lucky barbarian. Those are the visual clues. I don’t have too much information on female speech patterns, but I will say that the faster a woman speaks-clearly and understandably--the more honest she is. This actually holds true for people in general: ‘fast-talkers’ aren’t constantly ‘plotting’ what to say next. **** Have you ever been told by a female friend or co-worker that another female friend or co-worker “totally likes you” or “has the hots for you”—and then you meet up with that individual and they’re totally ‘business as usual’ and as quiet as a mortician? It’s frustrating as hell, isn’t it? Because you think this girl’s not opening up at all, she’s not lookin’ to hook up with me, and you say “Oh well, nice meeting you” and walk off. And later you get the call from the first female friend: “She’s so totally pissed now! Why’d you blow her off like that? She was so totally warming up to you!” You, of course, counter with “But she didn’t say anything!” And the female friend says, “Well, she’s shy! And now she’s even shyer because she thinks that you think she’s ugly!” Ready to rip your hair out? Me too. That’s why when a girl wouldn’t talk, I’d have to start looking for non-verbal clues and signals. There are a lot of women who are easily offended, but they’re too polite to let you know (verbally) that you’ve offended them. Because they don’t let you know verbally, you won’t have a clue, and you’ll keep cranking out your repertoire of pornographic Polish Jokes. She’ll laugh politely, and you’ll think you’re halfway to first base, and then she’ll suddenly excuse herself to use the Ladie’s Room and never be seen again--at least by you. If you discreetly read a woman’s body language, you can 10

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determine if you’ve said or done something to ‘turn her off’. But don’t drive yourself crazy doing this. Who knows? You might mention that you’ve got a new golden retriever, and she might have accidentally run one over on the way to work. Until you’re genuinely psychic, don’t sweat it. Just please note my use of the word ‘discreetly’. Don’t stare at her body for every single hint of motion, or she’ll think you’re some drooling refugee from the X-Files.

Myths and Undiscovered Countries Well, it sure is great to be here in America…and it’s even more amazing that anyone’s here at all, considering all of the idiotic myths that scared off all of those explorers for so long! “Don’t sail that way!

You’ll sail off the edge of the world! Or the sea monsters will get you before you get that far!!! They’ll eat you alive and suck the marrow out of your bones!!!” “Hmmm. You’re right. We’d better stay here in Medieval Europe, where it’s safe.” Naturally we laugh at those myths now…but many of us are still operating under a lot of other myths where interaction and relationships are concerned, and some of these myths can even keep us from having successful relationships. So read, recognize, and then forget the following: 1. We (men) “get” sex from women. No, no, nonononono! Sex is something that we create and share with a woman. Sex is not some ‘favor’ to be granted by either gender. It takes two to tango, as they say. But over time, sex has sadly become something that we ‘get’, not create or share. We call it ‘getting lucky’ or ‘getting some’. We expect girls to ‘give it up’ or ‘put out’, even though we’re ‘giving it up’ just as much, or ‘putting in’. One of my live-in girlfriends tried to play this trump card on me: “C’mon, I give you sex whenever you want…” I cut her off immediately: “Oh, no, you don’t! I give you sex 11


whenever you want! I initiate sex most of the time, and since my body is entering your body, I’m doing 80% of the work! So if you want to keep the sex coming, pardon my French, you best get that dress off and dance for me!” Okay, I may have embellished that last sentence. But that’s my philosophy, and it’s true. If you think that women are the purveyors, and thereby the controllers, of sex, you are always going to be dealing from a position of weakness. Also, you will be doing a disservice to women, as you will be perceiving them as ‘sex objects’. Now, knowing this…act as though women get sex from you! It’s not true, of course, but you’ll want to get out of the ‘Demand’ side of the equation and visit the ‘Supply’ side, where the grass really IS greener, I assure you. 2. If I spend “x” amount of dollars on a woman on a date, she has to sleep with me. Our survey says: Nnnnnnnnnnnnope. No amount of money you spend on a date legally or mystically forces a woman to sleep with you. Spending a lot of money on a woman will probably impress her, and it can get you on her speed-dial if she likes being pampered, but it can also make her nervous, as she might think there’s a big tab she has to pay at ‘last call’. But let’s backtrack for a moment. If you think a lot of money will entitle you to sleep with a woman, why not just hire a hooker? Wham, bam, thank you, ma’am! Just spend the money, get laid, and forget all about that mushy, overrated ‘fulfillment’ that comes from an actual relationship. This is why I stand by economical dating. Do what you like, spend what you can afford, and don’t expect anything but a good time getting to know the girl. 3. “No” really means “yes.” 12

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If you believe this, then it also means clank. Clank is the sound you’ll hear as your prison-cell door closes behind you. Then you’ll be screaming “no” as you’re being messily gang-raped, and of course everyone raping you will think you really mean “yes”. I will be the first to admit that the MCD of women send a lot of ‘mixed signals’, and many would have difficulty finding logic in the dictionary…but that does not excuse your behavior. “No” means no, even if she’s only wearing a coating of Cool-Whip. Court’s adjourned. 4. Women don’t like sex as much as we do. For cryin’ out loud, women can have multiple orgasms! (So can we, actually, but they can have up to six in a row, where we can have about three before passing out.) A recent study of 900 American women revealed that sex (and/or ‘intimacy’) was one of their highestrated pastimes. I wanted to find out who made the study, so I could tell them “And this just in; the world is actually round!” Here’s where the ol’ MCD kicks in: Most women like sex as much as we do; possibly more so. But it’s in their best interests not to reveal it! Why? Well, first off, how many pregnant men do you see walking around? A pitiful few, to be sure! Secondly, there’s a ridiculous, archaic notion that men who have a lot of sex are ‘studs’, whereas women who have a lot of sex are ‘sluts’. I don’t know who came up with this, but it wasn’t me. Personally, I’ll take a uninhibited, experienced, eager-to-please ‘slut’ over a cringing, inexperienced virgin any day. Some women don’t enjoy sex as much as men do because they’ve been assaulted or raped, or have had horrid lovers. Thereby they equate sex with pain, shame or duty. Virgins haven’t had the pleasure, so to speak. And of course some women hold fast to the notion of Myth #1, that they are the ‘purveyors’ of sex and have to control its ‘distribution’. Beyond that, most sexually active American women enjoy sex as much as we do…and the MCD has shown that the more they get, the 13


more they want! In most of my relationships, the girl’s sex drive normally ends up surpassing my own! They’re like “Ahem, more sex please!” and I’m like “Ummm, didn’t we just have some yesterday?” 5. Women are only out for money. Okay, this isn’t necessarily a myth. It’s more of a Paradigm (a belief so widely held that nobody bothers to challenge it). Women are out for money, but virtually every human being who needs to eat is also out for money. You too are out for money; admit it and get over it. If you think that women are only after your money, your relationships are doomed to suffer. They’re also after your attention, your respect, your care, your time, your love. The women who stick around after they find out you’re not Bill Gates will really be after those intangible qualities I’ve just mentioned. Time and time again I hear women about women leaving men because “he’s never there for me”…a Top Ten complaint. Tragically, the reason that those men are never ‘there for them’ is because they’re too busy working overtime trying to uphold some ridiculous standard of living that they think their women are ‘accustomed to’, when she’d probably appreciate less ‘weekly’ and more ‘grind’. 6. “Treat ‘em like dirt and they love it”. As Poe once wrote: “I blush, I burn, I shudder as I pen the damnable atrocity!” Geez, could that guy write, or what? Who’s the sadistic cretin that came up with this? Ask yourself how much you would love being treated like dirt. Correct answer: not bloody much. Like #5, this is sadly not a myth, although I wish it was. It’s a paradigm and a philosophy still being used by too many ‘men’, and it has to stop. It’s a disgusting form of audiovisual pollution, and while it might actually work for individual ‘men’, collectively it has horrible consequences for men in general. It spreads a ‘men are pigs’ mindset among women and sustains the sickening man-bashing industry. 14

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You may have witnessed some ‘relationship’ where one member constantly denigrates, abuses and rages at the other, while that cheerless human target simply says “Yes, dear.” Hopefully you were only on the outside of that relationship, looking in. Still, did you think, “Damn, he/she really wears the pants in that family?" Chances are, you were probably sickened a little. A bit of contempt for the tyrant, a bit of disgust for the slave. Ironically, such relationships are often born out of too much love on one person’s part. An abject surrender to the whims of another instead of a rational, value-for-value relationship. When one person gives and gives of themselves, sometimes the other loses respect. Realizing that they can get away with anything, their partner becomes a possession instead of a person. Once in a while they’ll make some bored, feeble attempt at pleasing their partner, and since it’s so rare it seems like a prize from God. One wonders why people remain in relationships where they’re treated like doormats. There’s no single answer, but one of them is ‘security’. Simply put, the doormat is used to the treatment; they’ve rationalized it with thoughts like “Well, at least I’m getting regular sex with her” or “At least he pays the bills.” This boils down to “At least I’m not alone.” And the trauma continues until they look up the definition of the word ‘least’. Some quote-unquote ‘men’ actually swear by this philosophy, claiming it’s the only thing that works (for them), and they say “I really don’t like being an *sshole, but ya gotta be an *sshole to get laid.” To which I reply, “No, you have to be an *sshole to get laid. All I need to do is pay taxes, stay white and die.” And I’ve already met and made love to more women than these *ssholes have even spoken to, without being an *sshole. More to the point: we’re already sharing this planet with hordes of thieves, murderers, rapists, liars, lunatics, etc. Even if there is some cheap, ironic fringe benefit to being an *sshole…Do we really NEED

more *ssholes? I think not. I hope you do, too. 15


By all means, stand up for yourself within a relationship, Always speak your mind, reserve the right to argue, don’t be afraid to tell a woman “no”. Raise your voice when it’s warranted and give criticism when it’s due. This is not being an *sshole, this is being a Man. Hopefully you can see the distinction. Newsflash For Women: The First time a man abuses you, you are a victim. The Second time, and all Other times up to the sixth hundred time, You are a volunteer. You have utterly No excuse for remaining in an abusive relationship, so stop whining about your situation and DO something about it! And calling Dr. Laura to cry about it does not count as ‘doing something about it’, because as far as I know Dr. Laura has yet to show up at an abuser’s house to administer a beatdown to the creep, nor does she cast magic spells to turn creeps back into human beings!) 7. Abstinence is hazardous to your health. I hear a lot of guys say “If I don’t get laid soon, I’m gonna—“ and I interrupt with “What? Self-destruct? Go insane? Wave automatic guns at nuns? Join a religious cult? Rob a bank? Melt into a boiling puddle of unused testosterone? Kidnap the daughter of a major celebrity? Come on, give me something original, now…” And they eventually laugh, shrug and admit they’ll probably just get more crotchety and drink more beer. Because most of us went at least fifteen years without sex before we ever had any, and we didn’t burst into flames during that time. Some guys will retort “Well, that was before puberty.” And I will counter-retort with “So freakin’ what?” Your voice deepened and you grew hair on your ‘nads. Congratulations! During and after puberty, you developed an interest in the opposite sex, the way God and Nature intended you to. Did puberty turn you into some kind of android with a repeating program of must—get—laid—must—get-laid. God, I hope not. I know it turned me into that type of android, 16

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but I’m an anomaly, and even I don’t put that much of a priority on getting laid anymore. In fact, I bet more than a few of you look back on your formative years as a simpler, less complicated period, free from stress and heartache. You might not be able to return to that period, but you can learn from it. Having tasted the delights of indulgence, I would rather indulge than abstain. But that doesn’t mean that abstinence is hazardous to anyone’s health. Everyone is going to be alone sometime in their lives; ironically you can even be alone when you’re in a committed relationship, or married due to work, illness, travel, or other factors. It doesn’t mean you’re a loser or a deformed freak or anything; it just means that you’re alone for the time being…and that can be an opportunity for some necessary introspection, self-improvement, some creative undertaking or some contribution to society. Some single guys…Jesus, for instance…were able to change the world because they didn’t have sex on the brain! If you’re on your own for a bit, don’t just sit around grumbling that you’re not in a relationship…do something else until the opportunity for a relationship presents itself! Who knows, it could be that ‘something else’ that’ll bring about that opportunity! 8. You are responsible for her happiness and/or orgasms. Read that twice, and breathe a deep sigh of relief. You’re not responsible for either. It is noble & cool of you to try to provide either or both, and personally I feel that is one of the qualifiers of manhood, and a reason I wrote this book. But ultimately, happiness is a decision, and orgasm is a physical reflex unique to each human being. If you think you can automatically/instantaneously/continuously provide another human’s happiness and orgasms, then take me with ya, Jesus! She’s not going to be happy 24/7, you’re not going to be happy 24/7. There are times she won’t have orgasms, and times you won’t have orgasms. That’s life, and without problems it wouldn’t be 17


interesting. By the same token, obviously she is not responsible for your happiness or orgasms. I get dozens of statements on Answerology.com that are like “As soon as I get a girlfriend, my life will be perfect.” HAhahahahahaha! I’ll admit that being alone bites the bag, but as soon as you get a girlfriend, your life will be more complicated! It’ll be more fun, hopefully, and loving, and richer, but it’s not going to get easier. Now, I’ve saved the biggest myth for last. Take a deep breath… 9. Premarital sex, or any non-monogamous relationship, is a sin. Take out your Bible and show me where. And The Bible says…not! Boom! The sound of your brain exploding! That’s right! Premarital sex is mentioned twice in the entire Bible, in two passages from Exodus and Deuteronomy. Deuteronomy 22:28 says that “If a man rapes a virgin and is discovered, he shall pay her father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry her, for he has violated her. He cannot divorce her as long as he lives.” That sounds fair in one sense, yet in another—the case of an actual rape, it forces a rape victim to marry her rapist, which to me is beyond evil! Exodus 22:16 says “If a man seduces a virgin who is not pledged to be married and sleeps with her, he must pay the bride-price, and she shall be his wife. If her father absolutely refuses to give her to him, he must still pay the bride-price for virgins.” So you’ve got two passages to go on, neither of which mentions a sin. Incredibly, one mentions that rape is okay as long as you want to get married and you’ve got fifty bucks on you! The other goes along the same lines, but try that today: “Hi, Mr. Cartwright, I’m Tony, I just had sex with your daughter last night, we don’t want to get married, so I’m gonna write you a check…what’s her bride-price?” There are also two cases of pre-marital sex in The Bible that are fine and dandy with all concerned: 18

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A. Adam and Eve (Genesis 2:22): “Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.” These being the only two human beings on Earth at the time, who married them? B. The Lord God never proposes to Mary; He essential just says “Mary! Here, catch.” The Bible comes down hard on ADULTERY, as it should, which is sex between single people and married people. It’s the only sexual sin mentioned by Jesus, and He Himself intervened to stop an adulteress from being stoned. “Fornication”, however, is not sex between singles as it’s widely thought, but four different forms of sex labeled under the ancient Greek word Porneia: Pederasty, adultery, sex during menstruation and sex with the priestesses of Corinth (who were very popular at the time since they were prostitutes). In fact, if you want to be wholly in line with The Bible, go out and marry as many women as you can afford to, at the same time! Sixteen Bible figures, all well favored by God (King David, Jacob, Esau, Solomon, etc.) had multiple wives and/or concubines. The first Catholic Priests had multiple wives and concubines, until a succession of Popes realize that the Church was losing money through inheritances, and eventually banned marriage for its priests. Monogamy wasn’t fashionable until around 1000 AD, but gradually more and more Church leaders convinced their followers that it was the only ticket to Heaven. Unfortunately, we’re virtually the only species on the planet that tries to practice monogamy (out of 4,000 mammals, only a few dozen mate for life, and even those findings are uncertain) and let’s face it, most of us screw it up. We screw it up because of The Coolidge Factor. The Coolidge Factor stems from a popular anecdote from President Calvin Coolidge. He and his wife were taking a tour of a chicken ranch. The First Lady asked the rancher: “How many times a day does the rooster have sex with the hens?” The rancher replied 19


“Oh, five or six.” The First Lady said “Tell that to the President.” So the rancher did. President Coolidge asked the rancher: “Does the rooster have sex with just one hen, or a bunch of different ones?” The rancher said “A bunch of different ones.” President Coolidge said “Tell that to the First Lady.” Monogamy is splendid in theory. In reality, I’ve lost track of how many public figures have gotten divorced or cheated on their spouses—and those are just the ones that make the news. Just as sad are the number of drab, joyless, comatose marriages and long-term relationships that keep people trapped and miserable because “premarital sex is a sin” or “monogamy is God’s law”. Please don’t get me wrong; Monogamy isn’t always some agonizing death sentence, and I do hope you can find a partner that makes you proud to be Monogamous. It’s a bit safer than nonmonogamous relationships, and it’s less expensive than maintaining multiple relationships all over the map. In fact, Your Humble Servant practically has to take out a bank loan every year around Valentine’s Day. It’s probably the best choice for couples who want children, although I theorize children would be safer with more than two guardians. The MCD of women prefer monogamy anyway, so sustaining any other lifestyle is difficult. My lifestyle, polyamory, is growing in acceptance at a snail’s pace, and I seem like a creature from another planet when I try to explain it. Indeed, one of the only places it’s mentioned is in Robert Heinlein’s novel Stranger In A Strange Land. On the other hand, I don’t have to worry about adultery or cheating, and I don’t feel the need to have my girlfriends hung, drawn and quartered for looking at other guys (since they’re going to do it anyway). My main point is, pre-marital sex is not a ‘sin’, and since monogamy is rarely found in nature OR The Bible, its proponents cannot claim it’s the only ‘proper’ relationship. There are all sorts of other myths about women-- rest assured they’ve got quite a few about us--but I’ve found these to be the most pervasive, and the most annoying. 20

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More importantly, we as individuals keep making up more myths about women, myths that we come up with from earlier relationships, myths we keep to ourselves…unless we’re out with the boys. Then we’ll say “Women are…(insert your myth here)”. These myths would be helpful if all women were duplicates of each other, but they’re not. Another term for these personal myths is baggage. When you start a new relationship, leave your baggage at the door, as difficult as it may seem. Imagine every new woman as an undiscovered country. When you enter (nudge nudge, wink wink) a new country, you don’t assume they use the same currency, follow the same laws or have the same traditions as you have. You’ve got a choice: you can be a tourist or an ambassador. If you’ve ever wondered why Americans aren’t treated like royalty abroad, consider our scariest export, the tourist. You can spot them a mile away, in clothes louder than a Motorhead concert. You can hear them a half a mile away, as they shout in the local’s faces to get directions, thinking everyone around the world understands English if you simply shout it loud enough. They don’t bother to learn the local language or customs, but they’re quick to let loose with demands and complaints. These kinds of tourists give Americans such a bad name that I switch to a British accent whenever I’m overseas. If you take a moment to switch the words “locals” for “women” and “tourists” for “men”, you might see why there’s an entire manbashing industry. Now consider the Ambassador: he’s what every other country wants in an American. Realizing that since he is the newcomer, he has to learn and adapt. He learns his new country’s language and rules as fast as he can…and until he’s fluent in them, he remains quiet, calm, charming. Dressed to the nines. Helpful and gracious to everyone he meets. As such, the locals fall all over each other trying to please him. If you get nothing else out of this book, I implore you to travel light in these new, ‘Undiscovered Countries’, with as little baggage as 21


possible. Wipe the slate clean and start all over. Make every new relationship an adventure, let every new woman be a mystery to be solved. And for God’s sake, be an Ambassador, not a tourist! You too can be an Ambassador of Romance by using a philosophy I call…

Rational Chivalry It sounds deep, and it is, but it’s also quite simple: You’re a gentleman, but not a sucker. You’re a good man, not a ‘nice guy’ (as some of you have already discovered, ‘nice guys’ have sex at about one-tenth the rate other men do, while apologizing and spending ten times more). When I’m asked what the difference is between a good man and a nice guy, I say that a ‘nice guy’ will hold a door open for a woman. A good man will hold a door open for everyone. Also, ‘nice guys’ can’t tell a woman ‘no’. You pamper women when they’re worthy of it, you don’t kiss their asses. You supply sex, you don’t demand it. You don’t make promises you can’t keep, and you don’t accept them, either. You believe a woman can belong with you, not to you. You’re mature enough to share your feelings at any time and say what’s on your mind…you don’t keep everything bottled up inside you and then explode like a blast furnace later on. You’re outspoken, firm, honest & strong, not a crude, tyrannical lout…but it’s ultimately Your way or the Highway. You don’t set out to deliberately hurt a woman’s feelings…but if doing the right thing hurts her feelings, you’ll do it anyway, and sleep the sleep of the righteous. With Rational Chivalry, you accept the truth that the sexes are equal. You acknowledge that our race has undergone a few thousand years of evolution and women no longer have to cringe in caves, hiding from Sabre-toothed tigers. They have all the rights we have, 22

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and several that we don’t, as you’ll see later. The man who cultivates Rational Chivalry will never hear himself scream “How could she do this to me, I gave her everything!!!” Because he’s not stupid enough to give a woman everything. Rational Chivalry enables you to treat women in general as Equals, but to treat those women you’re intimate with as Ladies…on your terms. Before Rational Chivalry (meaning ‘up until now’, as I’ve recently coined the term), we men normally used three types of social ‘personas’ in our quest for the opposite sex. I call these…

The Three Stooges Lout (also known as neanderthal, gangsta, thug, sleazebag, etc.) uses brawn instead of brains, treats women wholly as sex objects, and makes up for his lack of charisma by embellishing ‘macho’ behavior to a needless extent. Lout actually gets women—although he’d get ten times more women just by changing his behavior—but always drives them off by selfishness, cheating, or just being an oaf. Strangely, these cretins don’t even have to be muscular or goodlooking. Louts tend to attract less mature girls, who fantasize that they’re ‘bad boys’. Going out with them makes them coolly rebellious ‘bad girls’, which is a fun phase for them, until they realize bad means bad. Nice Guy (also known as nerd, dweeb, wuss, etc.) is the polar opposite of Lout, and is so eager to please women he’ll let them walk all over him—and is subsequently not disappointed. Unlike Lout, your basic Nice Guy is sensitive, articulate, generous and kind. Nice Guy is wildly popular with the ladies, and is often the only male in a crowd of females, but strangely they’re all ‘just friends’. In fact, the ladies love to cry on the shoulders of a Nice Guy after they’ve been crudely dog-styled by their Lout of a boyfriend… “And then he pulled out of me and ejaculated into my ear! I was so disgusted, I 23


almost said something…boo hoo…I’m definitely going to leave him, sometime in 2017…but I’m so glad you and I are just friends, Alvin, I can talk to you about anything!” Since Nice Guy is generous, kind and eager to please, he does get his share of dates, but normally goes home broke and alone. Tourist (also known as nobody in particular) is your Average Guy. There’s nothing wrong with him, but nothing stands out about him, either, and he doesn’t really have any particular approach for women. He could be charming, witty and sociable, but he waits for women to approach him…and suffers through a lot of long cold winters before a friend tells him to become a Nice Guy or Lout. Here are a few examples of ‘guy behavior’ starring our wellknown friends Lout, Nice Guy, Tourist and Ambassador. Take a wild guess which one uses Rational Chivalry. 1.

At a bar, trying to make a girl’s acquaintance. Lout: “Hey, you wanna eat pizza and fuck? (belch!) Whazzamatta, you don’t like pizza? Hahahahaha…bitch. Bahtendah, gimme anutha.” Nice Guy: “Um, hi, uh, sorry to bother you, is it okay to talk to you for a minute?” Tourist: (WOW, look at that girl. Man, is she hot. Maybe I should go over and say something to her…nah, she’d probably blow me off…) Ambassador: “Hello! That’s a great outfit you’re almost wearing…what’s your name?” 2. There’s a wide puddle of scummy water in the path of your girlfriend. Lout: Splashes right through it. When she doesn’t follow right away, he frowns and growls “You comin’, or what?” Nice Guy: Throws his $450 coat over the puddle so she can walk 24

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over it. Tourist: Walks through it since he has no girlfriend. Ambassador: Says “Hang on a sec”, picks her up and carries her over it. 3. Your favorite rock group, “Steel Toast”, is coming in concert, but you know your girlfriend can’t stand them. Lout: Doesn’t tell his girl a thing, goes to the concert solo, comes home late and drunk, muttering “Where was I…hmmm, lemme think…I was at a concert, yeah. Get me a beer.” Nice Guy: Says “Honey, there’s a really cool concert coming up, Steel Toast, do you want to see them with me? No? Oh, too bad. Is it all right if I go with the guys? No? Okay, we’ll watch Ally McBeal then (grumble, whine).” Tourist: Goes solo, hoping to meet a possible girlfriend. Ambassador: Says “I’m going out to a concert tonight, you’re welcome to come along. If not, I rented some videos for you.” 4. For a third date, your latest girl ‘suggests’ a four-star restaurant that charges six dollars for a small Coke. Lout: Chokes on his beer and says, “Are you fuckin’ high?” Nice Guy: Says “Anything for you, dear…Hello, Citibank? Can I get a credit line increase?” Tourist: “This is Citibank, please hold…” Ambassador: Says “You’re treatin’ us? Well, I’ve heard that’s a really nice place, sweets, but are you sure you can swing that? I heard it’s really expensive…Oh, you’re not treatin’ us. Well, I know a place that serves great Viking food, I’d be happy to take you there…” 5. Your girlfriend wants to attend a poetry reading by women that, ahem, have short hair and wear lots of plaid. Lout: “No fuckin’ way are you goin’ to any dyke-fest! You’re stayin’ right here, now make me a Turkey Pot Pie!” Nice Guy: “Oh, well, I was gonna watch the game, but, ahh, sure, 25


I’d love to go with you.” Tourist: He’s the one single guy… standing wayyy in the back. Ambassador: “Have fun, honey. If you see any nice bisexual girls you like, invite ‘em over afterwards. But if they’ve got short hair and wear plaid, don’t worry about it.” Note that if you’re not breaking the Commandments or the law, if being a Nice Guy, Lout, or Tourist is actually working for you, if you’re in a trouble-free relationship with the girl of your dreams and having white-hot sex, then Le Tois C’est Vous, never mind, congratulations and keep up the good work! But if you’ve read this far, it probably isn’t working for you. Welcome aboard, Mr. Ambassador…Miss Moneypenney will bring you a drink momentarily. Shaken, not stirred.

Being All You Can Be Since Freud died wondering what women wanted, we’re not going to fry our mere mortal brain cells picking up where he left off. (There are a few hundred thousand women who don’t know what they want, either.) We can agree that women are individual human beings with some certainty, and that’s about it. If they want to wrack their darling brains wondering what we want, it’s up to them. Because we can’t agree on what women want, a lot of us debase ourselves acting in certain ways, or as certain stereotypes that women are ‘supposed to’ want: the bad-ass biker, the Hollywood producer, the sensitive artist, the GQ playboy, the muscular athlete, et cetera. If you actually are one of those stereotypes, keep up the good work…I myself am on a crusade to become America’s first muscular bad-ass GQ Playboy sensitive artistic Hollywood producer, who rides a customized Trike. However, time and again I hear American women agree that they want a man to be himself. For example, get yourself a HarleyDavidson before you cover yourself with Harley-Davidson patches. If 26

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you say you’re a Hollywood Producer, back it up. Again, they want us to be ourselves. Half-truth. Yeah, they want us to be ourselves…but they also want the best version of us that we can offer them. The Most Common Denominator says they want us to Be All We Can Be. Whoever you might be right now, you can always become more powerful. Not in the ‘Bring Me The Head Of Alfredo Garcia’ sense of power (although if you can tell somebody to bring you the head of Alfredo Garcia and they do, you could ask them to pick up a blonde, brunette and a redhead for you on the way in), but a New and Improved You. Bigger, stronger, smarter, healthier, wealthier, classier, more powerful. If you look it up in the dictionary, power has a bunch of definitions, ranging from strength to the ability to perform effectively. If you’d like to attract women, I’d strongly suggest you acquire some…because power has the same effect on women that beauty has on us men (If you don’t believe me, ask yourself how Tommy Lee landed Heather Locklear and Pamela Anderson). Knowledge is power. Wealth is power. Physical strength is power. Talent (when demonstrated) is power, as is a vocational skill. The list goes on and on, and includes a great deal of intangible qualities like honesty, courage, generosity, devotion, faith, and more. Although one would think that only obvious forms of power like fame, rippling muscles or vulgar displays of wealth would attract women, the inobvious forms of power—intelligence, talent, spirituality—do add to your personal magnetism (or ‘aura’ as you new-age types might call it). To put it another way: the obvious forms of power attract women; the inobvious forms of power are what keep them around. Now, if you let me, I’d like to rebuild you from the ground up. This is:

K.K.’s ‘$300-a-week-Playboy’ Self Improvement Guide 27


This doesn’t mean it COSTS you $300 a week, this means You TOO can be a Playboy while only MAKING $300 a week. As such, it’s an additional $712,450.39 value, FREE! 1. Learn ‘The Liberating Limitation’. Repeat the following words to yourself: I’m A Man. Got that? Good. Repeat it again: I’m A Man. Repeat it again, and again and again, until you say it in your sleep. Until you replace that ‘occupational title’ you used to give yourself: “I’m a Geotechnical Driller /Busboy / Rocket Scientist /Bounty Hunter /Dentist/Rodeo Clown.” Congratulations; we’re all really proud of ya, but in the first, foremost and final analysis, you’re a man. There seems to be a needless, haughty ‘status’ hang-up in our culture that makes a lot of men define their very existence by their jobs. It wasn’t a huge problem twenty or thirty years ago when men could keep the same job from the cradle to the grave. But now, thanks to relentless downsizing, layoffs, mergers & mass firings, we sometimes must switch from a prestigious job to one that we’re not proud of. (Case in point: in one year I went from Film Production Coordinator to Temporary Laborer to Construction Worker to Construction Bookkeeper to Videographer to Restaurant Host to Film Producer). We can either uselessly bitch and complain about it, or look at it as a challenge and an opportunity for growth. If we’re wise we’ll choose the latter, and remind ourselves that any honest employment is honorable, and we won’t define our existence by our job. That’s right, it doesn’t matter if you’re the President of the United States or the fry cook at Denny’s. You’re a man. I call this the ‘Liberating Limitation’ because it’s all you can be, but it’s all you need to be. It’s all you need to know, and moreover it’s all your woman needs to know. 28

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Right now, I can hear some of you groaning “Aw, man, I’m ‘just’ an air-conditioning apprentice, I could never climb into bed with “insert hottie’s name here”. Which is powerless thinking at its ugliest. Might I ask… How do you know? How do you know what your dream girl likes? You might just have the right mix of boy-next-door realism, bluecollar machismo and bicep-thickness she’s looking for. But you’ll

never know until you find out! A biographical made-for-TV movie called The Anne Gillian Story revealed how her and her husband met. He was a peace officer; she was (and still is) a well-known actress and singer. He saw her, liked her and wanted to meet her. First he got the cold shoulder; he politely tried again. He got polite rebuffs; he politely tried again. He got a chance; he politely tried again. He got a date, then another date, then a lot more dates, and then a marriage. He wasn’t a multimillionaire or a celebrity; he didn’t have super powers, he just liked Anne enough to try for her, despite the red-tape and entertainment-industry paranoia that stood in his way. (NOTE: This does not mean you should start stalking your favorite female celebrity. By all means, try to meet them if you don’t mind their crazed schedules, never-ending travel and other complications, but don’t stalk them. My point is that no single woman of legal age should be considered ‘out of reach’ solely because of their occupation or status.) So, regardless of your occupation and socioeconomic ‘status’, go easy on yourself. To quote Desiderata: Keep interested in your own

career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Another good line is You are a child of the Universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. You’re A Man. Now let’s get even manlier… **** 29


Optional exercise: ‘on the make’ Without reading any further, go out and try to meet a woman right now, as you are. You are allowed to put clothes on. You aren’t allowed to shave, shower or brush your teeth if you

haven’t already. Your goal is to introduce yourself, find out her name and where she’s from. **** 2. Quit smoking if you haven’t already. I was on a date with Samantha; we’d just had strawberries and cream, mutual massages, ferocious sex, and were on our way to a party when she said, “You know, I only see one flaw so far.” “Whatever could that be?” I asked. “You smoke.” She said. True; I’d just tossed a butt out of the car window when she’d said it. I think I came back with something like ‘Well, the only flaw I see is that you’re already looking for flaws.’ But it’s irrelevant now. I got into smoking (cigarettes) the way most everyone else does: thinking it’s cool, tough, independent, sophisticated…which is pure bullshit, of course. Is smoking a display of power? Hell no. It’s a display of weakness: conformity, ignorance, poor health and an addictive personality. But wait! There’s more! Start smoking now and you’ll also receive:

Laser breath! Burned clothes! Yellow teeth! Pebbled skin! Nicotine fits! Stained fingers! Hacking coughs! Decreased stamina, smell and taste! A car that smells like a crematorium! Various gruesome and lethal diseases! The loss of hundreds or maybe even thousands of dollars that—Dare I say it—went up in smoke, ha bloody ha. 30

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Plus all the toaster-hot babes who want the above qualities in their men! Both of them. Oh, by the way, you can also add impotence to the above list, since nicotine wreaks havoc with capillaries, the exact same capillaries that your penis needs for erections. I wonder why the Surgeon General doesn’t put a warning on cigarette packages reading “Cigarettes Cause Impotence”. Most guys would read it and drop smoking like it was a live scorpion. Want to spend eleven hundred dollars on a hedonistic weekend getaway with your woman? Simple: quit smoking, because that’s what you’ll probably spend on smokes in a year. Over the last twenty years, I’ve probably spent enough for a new car, with nothing to show for it…and I’m glad I’ve got nothing to show for it, if you know what I mean. It just isn’t worth it. Out of the ‘Class of 190’, I’ve met plenty that smoked, but I’ve yet to meet one that was actually turned on by smoking, hers or mine. It might not be easy to quit smoking, but it is simple. My personal tactic: tell yourself I’ll have one later…and then turn your attention to back to something else…and just forget to smoke. If & when a craving hits, have a glass of water instead, and/or a vitamin C drop or sugarless gum, or just take ten really deep, slow breaths, filling and clearing your lungs as much as possible. If necessary, you’ve also got nicotine patches, gum, inhalers, subliminal tapes, hypnotists, et cetera. Like the commercial says: Just Do It. And if your girl turns out to be a smoker, you’ll be just the crusading white knight to save her from that fate worse than death! 3. Get in your best possible shape. Let’s ‘fess up: You want a woman with a nice body. Her heart and soul will close the deal, but that won’t dawn on you until later. Nothing wrong with that. But it’s only fair, logical and obvious that most women will want a man with a nice body. In fact, a recent greeting card showed an athletic model-type man 31


wearing a T-shirt and shorts on the cover, with the caption What We Women Are Looking For. Inside was a photo of a man in the same outfit but with a huge beer gut and flabby, pale skin, with the caption, What’s Looking For Us. Your body is a temple. It is sometimes fun to use it as an amusement park, but it should not be a warehouse, junkyard or toxic waste dump. Obesity is unsightly—unless you’re a Sumo wrestler-and it’s a health hazard. Overweight people like to say “It’s the person on the inside that counts!” but it simply isn’t true. First of all, everything counts, especially when first impressions are made. You can have the IQ of Einstein, the sexual skills of Casanova, the talent of Prince and the ethics of Gandhi, but if it’s all sheathed in a layer of fat, you might as well be the invisible man. Secondly, if the person on the inside counted, that person would want to control and improve the person on the outside, at least in the interests of his or her own self-preservation. Like quitting smoking, losing weight is not easy but it is simple: make your caloric intake lower than your caloric expenditure. I don’t have a ‘miracle diet program’ for you, because I’ve got the exact opposite problem, I’m an ectomorph and trying to gain weight is about as easy as pulling a wolverine’s teeth. However, I do have some advice which should help you. Don’t Crash-diet. This signals the body that a period of starvation is coming on, so it holds onto every last fat gram with an iron grip. Instead… Control Your Portion Size. Easier than counting calories, just make sure the portion sizes of your meals can fit in the palm of your hand. A serving of meat or fish should be the size of a deck of cards; one serving of rice or pasta should be the size of a tight fist; a baked potato should be the size of a computer mouse; one serving of cheese should equal four dice; any serving of a fatty substance (butter, mayonnaise, etc) should be no larger than a thumb tip. Eat Five to Six Small Meals Per Day instead of three large ‘squares’. Never skip breakfast; it and lunch should be your largest 32

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meals of the day, since your metabolism is highest at the beginning of the day. Smaller, more frequent meals every three to four hours also boost your metabolism. Drink At Least Eight Glasses of Purified Water Per Day. Many bodily ‘hunger’ signals are actually dehydration signals. Water is crucial for the elimination of wastes from the body, including fats. Also, if you don’t keep enough water going through your system, your body ‘hoards’ it, creating a bloated look. Severely Reduce Your Intake Of: Sugars, salts, bread and dairy products, alcohol and any fried foods. Read the labels of what you buy in the supermarket and try to boycott anything with over 10 grams of fat per serving.

Add A Thermogenic (Fat Burning) Supplement To Your Diet. Most of these supplements combine ephedrine, caffeine, chromium and L-carnitine to accelerate the body’s natural fat-burning rate. Bear in mind that these are supplements, not be-all/end-all panaceas that magically destroy all your fat by themselves…and take them under a physician’s supervision, obviously. Do an Aerobic Exercise First Thing Every Morning. Any exercises done between sleep and breakfast forces your body to reach into its fat reserves for fuel. Do at least ten minutes of warm-up stretching exercises, then at least forty-five minutes to seventy-five minutes of aerobic activity. I suggest using a ‘kickboxercise’ style fitness video such as Billy Blanks’ Tae-Bo, Zak Lee’s Kick To Fit, or Badrino Kocktane’s Kick Butt series, because you learn some impressive and hopefully helpful kicks and punches while you sweat. If you don’t have a VCR, jump rope. If you don’t have a jump rope, do jumping jacks. If you can’t do a freakin’ jumping jack, don’t bother me. Do crunches if you want, as long as you understand they won’t make you thinner…they’ll only make your abdominals stronger. Besides the aforementioned daily aerobics, I strongly suggest you join a co-ed gym (Actually, I strongly suggest that half of the world should join a co-ed gym, instead of doing twelve-ounce curls at McArmpit’s Bar and Grille) and do at least one workout per 33


week…but three workouts per week will help you get in your best possible shape. Here’s a sample beginner’s workout to do three times per week, with at least one day of rest in between, Monday, Wednesday and Friday, for example. I would start out on machines where possible to get the movement down, then gradually switch to free weights. It’s said you should consult a doctor before starting any exercise program, but what’s the doctor going to say? “What? You? Exercise? Hell no, how’m I gonna make any money off of you if you’re healthy? Get your ass back on the couch…I’m prescribing two packs of cigarettes per day! Don’t cross me again!” Warm-Up: Twenty minutes of stretching. Optionally, you can do a warm-up set of each of these exercises with minimal weights first. Legs: two sets of Leg Extensions for twelve-fifteen repetitions. Legs: two sets of Lying Leg Curls for twelve-fifteen repetitions. Back: two sets of Lat Pulldowns (Frontal) for twelve-fifteen repetitions. Shoulders: two sets of Lateral Raises for twelve-fifteen repetitions. Chest: two sets of Pec-Deck Flyes for twelve-fifteen repetitions. Triceps: two sets of Dumbbell Overhead Extensions for twelvefifteen repetitions. Biceps: two sets of Preacher Bicep Curls for twelve-fifteen repetitions. Calves: two sets of Calf Raises for twelve-fifteen repetitions. Abs: two sets of Abdominal Crunches for fifteen-20 repetitions. Cardio: Stairmaster, Bike or Crosstrainer for 20 minutes. After the Cardio, I recommend twenty minutes in the steam room or sauna. To save space, I haven’t gone into detail about each exercise, but the staff members and other weightlifters at your gym would probably be overjoyed to show them off for you (in fact, when there’s a hot girl doing a certain exercise nearby, I’ll use it as an icebreaker by acting 34

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like a clueless neophyte and asking her to demonstrate it for me: “Wow, you do that so well…it’s really giving you big, full…shoulder blades.”) Try to do the exercises in the order shown, as you should work out larger muscle groups before smaller ones. Focus on proper form and strict movement instead of seeing how much you can lift.

Breathe normally and do NOT hold your breath during any exercise. Take a drink of water and at least 30 seconds of rest between sets, but not more than three minutes. End each workout with a recovery drink containing a good amount of carbohydrates and protein. I recommend Blue Thunder and White Lightning; they’re cheaper than a steak dinner. Progressively add weight as the exercises become easier. As I mentioned, this is a beginner’s workout which will help you reach your ideal weight, and enhance your muscle tone, strength, and definition (something that everyone could use). It will not turn you into a mega-muscled human battleship like the guys on the cover of FLEX or IRONMAN. Moreover, you don’t really need to be a mega-muscled human battleship like the guys on the cover of FLEX or IRONMAN. Go for it, if you like; it’s a lot better than being bloated or emaciated…but it does take up a lot of time, requires ferocious effort and discipline, and costs a substantial bit of cash (in terms of specialized foods and supplements). In fact, The MCD says that the majority of women (62%) were either turned off or scared by truly massive bodybuilders…but we’re talking truly massive bodybuilders (and it’s TOUGH to become one; almost more trouble than it’s worth). The majority of women aren’t turned off by strong, healthy and fit men, however. Muscularity is a form of power, and it’s a form of power that virtually anyone can achieve. There are other benefits to it as well: A. Muscularity will help you get your girl out of a burning car faster than a lack of muscularity will. B. Muscularity can prevent other guys from hitting on your girl. 35


C. Muscularity, flexibility, and a well-maintained cardiovascular system aids in lovemaking (more on this later). D. If you’re shorter than average, muscularity can help you avoid being ‘overlooked’ (so to speak). Now, if you’d like to step up, here’s my workout:

Monday Pre-breakfast Cardio Routine (30 min.)

Shoulders/Abs/Forearms Basic-carb snack (fresh fruit) & water, Preliminary stretching/warmup 1. 5 sets of Military Presses for 8-twelve repetitions (Not five sets of the same weight though! The first set is a warmup set of very low weight, the next three are ‘work sets’ of maximum weight, the last is a ‘drop’ set of two-thirds maximum.) 2. 5 sets of (Machine) Lateral Raises for 8-twelve reps. 3. 5 sets of Front Dumbbell Raises for 8-twelve reps. 4. 5 sets of Rear Deltoid Rows for 8-twelve reps. 5. 3 sets of Crunches for 50 reps. 6. 3 sets of Hanging Leg Raises (or Reverse Crunches) for fifteen-20 reps. 7. 3 sets of Side Crunches for 25 reps. 8. 3 sets of Wrist Curls (palms up)for fifteen reps. 9. 3 sets of Reverse Wrist Curls (palms down) for fifteen reps. 20 min. steam room, water, creatine, protein shake. (Abs really shouldn’t be done every day, but can be worked more than once a week.)

Tuesday Pre-breakfast Cardio Routine (30 min.) Basic-carb snack, water, stretching, 10 minute exercise bike warmup, 10 minute stairmaster warmup.

Legs/Calves 36

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1. 5 sets of Leg Presses 50/25/fifteen/10/8 reps. 2. 6 sets of Leg Extensions for twelve reps. 3. 6 sets of Leg Curls for twelve reps. 4. 6 sets of “Calf-presses” on the Leg Press Machine for 15 reps; 2 sets with toes straight, 2 with toes pointed out, two with toes pointed inwards. 5. 6 sets of Seated Calf Presses the same way. 20 min. steam room, water, creatine, protein shake, and a damn long walk, so my calves don’t lock up the next day & temporarily cripple me.

Wednesday Pre-breakfast Cardio Routine (30 min.)

No Weights Supplemental Abdominal work; As Monday, or with an ab-training video.*

Thursday Pre-breakfast Cardio Routine (30 min.)

Chest/Biceps Basic-carb snack, water, preliminary warmup/stretching. 1. 5 sets of Bench Presses for 20/fifteen/10/8/6 reps. 2. 5 sets of Incline Bench Presses for 20/fifteen/10/8/6 reps. 3. 5 sets of Dumbbell Flyes or Cable Crosses for 8-twelve reps. 4. 3 sets of Weighted Dips (45 lbs/35 lbs/25 lbs) to failure (You’ll need a special dip-belt for these, they’re about $25.00.) 5. 3 sets of Regular Dips to failure. 6. 3 sets of Barbell Curls for 8-twelve reps. 7. 1 “21” set of Preacher Curls: 7 regular reps, 7 slow partial ascents, 7 slow partial descents. 8. 4 “Drop sets” of Concentration Curls: 45 lbs to failure, 40 lbs, 35, etc. 20 min. Steam room, water, creatine, protein shake. 37


Friday Pre-breakfast Cardio Routine (30 min.)

Back/Triceps Basic-carb snack, water, warmup/stretching. 1. 6 sets of (Nautilus) Lower Back Extensions for twelve repetitions. 2. 4 sets of Lat Pulldowns for 10-fifteen reps. 3. 3 sets of One-Arm Dumbbell Rows for 8-twelve reps. 4. 3 sets of Bent-Over Barbell Rows for 8-twelve reps. 5. 2 sets of Pull-ups to failure. 6. 5 sets of Cable Pressdowns for 10-fifteen reps. 7. 5 sets of Reverse-grip Cable Pressdowns for 10-fifteen reps. 8. 5 sets of Overhead Tricep Extensions for 8-twelve reps. 9. 3 sets of Dips to failure (I know you did ‘em yesterday, but they work triceps as well as the chest.) Steam Room, water, creatine, protein shake.

Saturday/Sunday No Weights Possible Supplemental Cardio, Arm** or Abdominal work*

Monday repeats cycle. With this sequence, each body part gets adequate rest before being worked again. You can mix chest/back workouts with tricep/bicep workouts if you like, since tricep and bicep muscles are designed for different movements (pushing/pulling). This might seem like a week of ‘overkill’ to some people, but it’s really only ninety minutes out of each day. A lot of people spend that much time drooling in front of the TV. Note that I don’t do a whole lot of cardio work, but I’m an ectomorph (‘thin man’) and my day job keeps me moving on my feet for about six hours a day, so I don’t have to worry much about getting fat. If you don’t feel that this is the workout for you, by all means, try 38

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another one. There are a plethora of books and periodicals that cover these exercises and more. Personally I’d stick with the books, because the periodicals can get a bit confusing. One month they’ll have ‘The Ultimate Biceps Workout’, so you start doing it, and then next month they’ll have ‘The Better-than-ultimate Biceps Workout’, so you’ll switch again, and then next month they’ll say ‘Wait, Both of

Those were Wrong, This is the Super-Duper Ultimate Biceps Workout.’ *-I use Kurt Brungardt’s Abs of Steel video workout, or Jamie Brenkus’ Eight Minute Abs video workout. **--I use Gilad’s Arms of Steel video workout While I’m on the subject, there’s a way you might earn a few clams while you work out. Bill Phillips’ company, EAS (Experimental and Applied Sciences), holds a Body For Life Challenge Bodybuilding Competition several times a year—not a ‘posedown’, but a 3-month Improvement Competition, which has $100,000 in various prizes, from cash, vacations and cars to free supplements. When you look at the Before and After photos of the competitors, you see that everyone’s ‘won’ anyway; they’ve created a fit, healthy, attractive body. There’s no entry fee per se, but you do have to use EAS supplements during the competition. My thinking is, during a bodybuilding program, you’re going to need supplements anyway, so why not use a supplement that gives you a chance to win some cash too? For more information, go to www.eas.com or www.bodyforlife.com

Finally, don’t forget that to actually build muscle, you have to ingest more protein than you already do…a lot more, in the case of an ectomorph. Here’s what I’ve got to choke down in the course of a day: 1. Glass of water, vitamins 2. Breakfast: Fresh fruit, oatmeal, 3-egg omelette w/ham & cheese, toast, hashbrowns, coffee, juice 39


3. Water, protein shake, fresh fruit 4. Lowfat milk, 1 lb. Ground turkey mixed with rice or pasta and vegetables 5. Water, protein shake 6. 2 Tuna sandwiches, fresh fruit, bagel, water. (If this sounds like a lot, consider what I’d have to eat to make up for the protein shakes, which are 20-35 grams of protein each! Fortunately however, these foods are pretty cheap…a week’s worth of the foods above costs me under $30.00, believe it or not.) Your diet of course is up to you; whatever weight-training guide you’ve chosen should also include a nutrition guide. I’ve included some in the Suggested Reading section at the end of this book, or you can consult a personal trainer. It may seem like eating takes up most of your day, but you can take MRP’s (Meal Replacement Powders, or protein shakes) to even the score. As for the rest of your body…

Hair: ‘Styles’ come and go, but your hair itself continues to remain a clump of dead cells sticking out of your scalp (isn’t it romannnntic…). It’s actually a pretty good time for guys to be alive, because now, virtually anything goes, hair-wise. Baldness no longer has the stigma it once did; guys are shaving their heads like the last one into the Marines is a rotten egg. I don’t endorse head-shaving, or any individual ‘style’, as individual tastes vary—some girls like guys’ hair short and professional, some like it long and wild. The only two styles I can think of that are actually detrimental are the ‘mullet’ (short on top, long in the back—it seems better to grow it long all-around) or the ‘combover’ (you’re centrally bald but you won’t admit it to yourself, so you grow the sides long and comb it over the bald spot. It really only works if you face into the wind at all times, so it’s probably better to get a head-shavin’). 40

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If you’re really dissatisfied with your current style, experiment with different cuts and styles over the course of a year and see how many sultry looks you get with each one. If you want ‘chick-magnet’ hair, have a female friend accompany you to the stylist. She’ll have them give you a style that you can’t stand, but it’ll have the girls lined up for you, and a battle royal between your self-esteem and your sexdrive will ensue (it’ll only last for two months, anyway). Try not to shampoo every day. A lot of men think they have dandruff when in reality they’ve only got a thousand flakes of dried shampoo crumbling out of their hair. You might want to try a cycle of shampooing one day, just using a water rinse the next day, then conditioner the day after that, then a water rinse again, then shampooing. That way your hair isn’t deluged with strange chemicals. As for facial hair, suit yourself. Anthropologists say facial hair denotes power and virility. However, in a business seminar, I was taught that facial hair decreased ‘relatability’ (other people’s ability to relate to you). This seems like nit-picking, but I have to call it like I see it: if you look at the ‘progressions’ page of your newspaper, you’ll probably find that most of the big promotions are going to the cleancut guys. Also, moustaches and beards just give you something else to work on trimming and controlling. Hair color (in believable human shades of blonde, black, red and brown) does not seem to make a huge difference. Huge day-glo purple and green mohawks do make a difference…a bad one. Feel free to experiment, if you like. If you want to ‘let your freak flag fly’ temporarily, most salons and pharmacies now carry colored hairstyling gels which contain trendy dyes, but wash out afterwards with shampoo. If your girl doesn’t go for your hairstyle, you’ll probably find out after a few weeks into the relationship, when you’ll hear her say “Honey, it looks like it’s time you got a haircut…and I know this great stylist who can see you today at 4:30.” That’s when you’ll find out what kind of style she likes. Of course, you can use this same trick against her down the line if you don’t like the results. 41


Chest Hair: If you don’t have any, there’s nothing to worry about. If you do have it, then you also have the option of shaving it off. There’s nothing wrong with chest hair, but I’ve found it tends to hide whatever muscular development you’ve made on your chest and abdomen (unless you’ve got the ‘two rings around the nipples and the happy trail’ variety). I had all kinds of chest hair, but it looked stupid since I fried off a patch of it during a fraternity stunt. When I shaved it, I noticed that I looked more athletic, and I got more sensation during sex, at least in the missionary position, and girls would happily kiss and/or lick my chest…something they never did when I had chest hair. But doesn’t electrolysis and hair removal cost all kinds of cash? Yep. That’s why I use a fifty-cent BIC razor, and shaving cream.

But if you do that, don’t you have to keep shaving it over and over? Yep, it takes a whole forty seconds out of every morning’s shower. But like I said, there’s nothing wrong with chest hair. Some girls like a hairy chest…but I’ve noticed more of them oohhing and aahhing over smooth-chested actors, models and WWF wrestlers. Now, if you’ve got Back hair, I’d get rid of that pronto. It’s obviously tough to shave yourself, so hire a landscaper if you have to. Also another thing that definitely has to go is nose hair, which only serves as hangers for snot. Your pharmacy should have nose-hair trimmers; get one. Now.

Nails: there’s no real need to get a manicure, but your nails should be kept trimmed and clean where possible. No makeup is necessary unless you’re Dennis Rodman or RuPaul…and aren’t they one and the same anyway? Notice you never see ‘em together at the same time. Teeth: Should be brushed and flossed for once in your barbaric life!!! But you don’t necessarily need them bleached or whitened unless you had black teeth to begin with. Nobody has truly white 42

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teeth; they’d look unnatural. But not only should you brush more often—between each meal, or twice a day at least—you really ought to cut out the sweets in favor of hard, crunchy natural foods like carrots or apples. If you drink soda, use a straw so it goes past your teeth without bathing them in acids and sugars.

Skin: Obviously quite important. A lot of us are aging a lot faster than we should be, and this is probably because every morning we smear a powerful alkaloid known as ‘soap’ all over us…do you know what most soap is made from? Lye, a powerful irritant at best and a poison at worst. Would you bathe in laundry detergent every morning? No? Why not? You’re using soap now, aren’t you? You’re probably thinking “Well, without soap, I’m gonna smell like…me.” Yep. But you don’t have to avoid soap, just use it quickly and sparingly, over the major oil-producing areas of your body, and wash it off fast. What you really ought to use are moisturizers, at least on your face. If you have acne, you’re probably already knee-deep in Clearasil and Oxy products, so keep up the good work. But also, keep your hair short and off your face, and cut back on chocolates, sweets, and greasy or fried foods. Be wary of tans! I used to spend every summer trying to get darker than the previous summer, almost to the point of changing races. Then I discovered what most people are discovering now: there’s no such thing as a good tan. Yeah, it might make you look better for the short-term, but later on when you resemble something from Horror of Party Beach you’ll be thinking ‘What Price Glory’? So wear a good sunscreen when your skin’s going to be exposed to the sun for any extended length of time, and apply moisturizer before and afterward.

Tattoos and Body Piercings were originally the big neon sign of “I’m a fiercely independent bad-ass rebel”. Now, so many people have jumped on that bandwagon that they’re the big neon sign of “I’m 43


an unoriginal conformist trend-oid.” They might attract a few women who are fascinated by the amount of pain you can endure. But out of 190 women, none have asked me to pierce or tattoo myself, and if they did they’d all get the same answer (No). At this point tattoos and body-piercings are just costly fads, and in this age of rampant diseases you should limit the amount of things that pierce your skin. Also, I wouldn’t get tattooed with the name of your current flame unless your psychic abilities tell you she’ll remain your current flame for life! My best friend got his wife’s name tattooed on his shoulder; she was naturally overjoyed, and I thought it was an awesome gesture of loyalty and devotion on his part, until six years later when they split up. Now he’s a free agent, but he’s got to re-explain the tattoo every time a new girl gets his shirt off.

Cologne, Aftershave and Deodorant are always good ideas. Some women say they’re attracted to the smell of sweat; God knows why. I’m a man and I can’t stand the smell of sweat, unless it’s boiling out of a lust-crazed woman in a sauna. (Before sex, Patricia would always retreat to the bathroom first, saying “Give me a minute, I’m stank.” Wow, give me a minute, too, baby, so I can forget you said that.) There’s no need to spend a fortune on colognes (I myself just use the ‘our version of’ clone-colognes and get by just fine) but there is a need to find out which cologne goes with your body chemistry and skin oils. The most expensive cologne in the world might be a bad physical match for you and make you smell like a horrible industrial accident. So for God’s sake, have the store let you test it before you buy it. It is rumored that most women are attracted to the scent of Cucumbers and Licorice. I don’t know why, nor do I know of any Cucumber-scented men’s cologne. In the meantime, eat a lot of Good & Plenty licorice candy. In fact, make it your nickname. Breath: Unfortunately you can’t be ever-vigilant about it, but if you 44

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eat right, don’t smoke, and take care of your teeth, you probably shouldn’t be too lethal. There are some new mints and gums now that actually help whiten your teeth as they cool out your volcanic breath. Try to keep some handy, and get in the habit of popping some right before entering situations where you know you’ll be interacting with others. If you’re out of luck and you know you’ve got laser-breath when The Girluwant struts up to you, simply direct your breath away from her (or at least not directly at her face); talk at a downward angle, or breathe through your nose. And now that you look and smell so damned great, why not…

4. Get A Raise (And/Or Get Out Of Debt). That’s right, storm into your boss’s office tomorrow! Don’t knock. If his secretary tries to stop you, pick her up, plant a lip-lock on her and toss her on the floor. Then march up to him, grab him by the lapels and shake more money out of him. Explain to him that you’re going to start picking up chicks with a forklift, and you’re going to need some extra scratch to drink champagne out of their shoes. Tell him if he gives you enough of a raise, you’ll toss him your ‘seconds’… (When you walk back out, grinning triumphantly with your pockets lined with cash, his secretary will have a new light gleaming in her eyes, as she sighs, “I never knew he had such Power!”) If for any reason you’re uncertain the above tactics will work on your particular employer, try a more subtle, calculated process of doing your job, improving at it, asking for more responsibility and taking charge. List in detail all the ways you’ve improved and how many thousands of dollars you’ve made for (or saved) the company, and then point them out. Rewrite your resume just in case you’re not appreciated in your current situation. There are a number of reasons for this, most of which are obvious. First of all, when you’re good at what you do (and getting better), it shows, and is a form of power (More Power, Scotty! Kirk Out!). 45


Secondly, when you’re more than a few paychecks ahead on the rent, that too is a form of power. You’re a bit more secure, confident and relaxed, and it shows. You can take your girl out to one of those cool restaurants where the menu actually looks like a book instead of a huge plastic sign bolted overhead. On the other side of the coin, there are fewer creatures more powerless than the eternally broke. Let’s face it, if you’re broke, not only can you not take out your girl, you can’t take care of yourself very well either. You’re always racing to put out ‘fires’; you can’t move or change jobs without enormous inconvenience; if your boss and/or creditors say “Frog”, you’ve gotta jump. And unlike wives, who are stuck with you, girlfriends will only listen to you cry ‘broke’ for a few weeks (months, at best) before seeking out greener pastures. (I’m reminded of a horrid country-western song that goes: “Wish I could take you out/Like I said I would, Honey/But there’s too much month/At the end of the money.” Inspiring, isn’t it? I’m also reminded of a sleazy joke that has a man waking up after a drunken blackout at an office party. He asks his wife “Did I get drunk last night at the office party?” “You sure did.” She says. “What’d I do?” “You told your boss he was an useless, overpaid, sadistic moron.” “Well, he is. Did he fire me?” “He sure did.” “Then fuck the old bastard.” “I sure did. You go back to work on Monday.” Now, I don’t know which is worse…having a sadistic moron for a boss, or requiring my wife to fuck said sadistic moron so I could go back to work for said sadistic moron!) Even more insidious than poverty, however, is debt. A lot of people have four credit cards with a grand each on them, and just because they’re below their limit, they keep spending, thinking 46

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they’ve got it made! The truth is, if any of your credit cards have a balance higher than what you’ve got in your savings account, then you don’t really have a savings account. What you have is a debt that’s quietly racking up anywhere from fifteen to twenty-four percent interest! “Well, everyone’s like that, aren’t they?” You point out. And indeed, our national credit card debt has increased 46% since 1996, while our collective savings have dwindled from 7.8% of our disposable income to a mere 1%! But if everyone’s racing toward a cliff, does that mean you have to join them? “Yeah, but I need a credit card to take girls to places I couldn’t normally afford,” You protest. No, what you need is to start dating

within your means! I’m a die-hard advocate of putting one’s finances in order before getting heavily into the dating game…if you think finance is complicated when you’re single, wait ‘til your little black book starts filling up. If you’re currently in very dire straits…where you’re using credit cards for your living expenses, you should immediately contact a credit counselor (Consumer Credit Counseling centers, for example). Here are a few other pointers for getting out of debt: A. If you’ve got multiple credit cards with small balances but high rates, sign up for a credit card that allows for balance transfers and offers a period of 0% interest. Transfer the entire balances of the old cards to the new one, then close the old accounts (ask for printed confirmation that the accounts are closed). Either cut up the new card, or freeze it inside a block of ice in your freezer. The latter method isn’t as permanent, but it’ll surely handicap your impulse buying, because you’ll have to let the ice melt before you can use the card, all the while thinking ‘do I really want more debt?’. B. Replace your credit card with a debit card issued from your bank. Since it’s linked to your checking account, there’s no way for 47


you to rack up debts on it. If you qualify for it, consider an American Express Card, which gives you all the convenience and prestige of a regular credit card, but doesn’t let you carry a balance. C. Start budgeting. Track all of your expenditures for a month by getting receipts for every purchase you make. Tally up the receipts, see where you can cut back, and start cutting. (It might seem like you’re a Cambodian peasant now, but you’d be surprised what you’d save cutting out fast food, and/or using coupons at the grocery store). Apply any and all of your savings to the debt until it’s paid off. D. Go on a ‘Spending Strike’ for a month. Try to buy nothing but enough food, toiletries and gas to carry you through the month. Go to the library and get a stack of books. Reading, Exercising, volunteer work, a bit of TV and a lot of extra sleep will temporarily replace whatever leisure activities you normally enjoy that cost you money. That includes dating, too. Relax, I guarantee you there will still be single women out there when the month is up. E. For even better results, act like you’ve still got the debt even after it’s paid off. Use that monthly ‘debt payment’ to set aside one to three months of living expenses (three months is optimal, but at this point you’re probably begging to jump back into the good old American Orgy of Reckless Spending). You might feel like a schmuck watching your friends and co-workers ‘party like it’s 1999’, and/or calling you frugal, but simply visualize them washing your Porsche’s windshield while your girl tosses them spare change, and you’ll feel much better. F. Start investing as soon as possible. Believe it or not, a savings account really isn’t an investment vehicle, because any bank’s ‘interest rate’ on a savings account is usually so low it’s pathetic. Your savings account should contain optimally two to three months of living expenses, and enough to cover whatever insurance deductibles you may have. Beyond that, take every extra penny you acquire and make it work for you in an investment. Your strategy is of course up to you: Bonds are safer investments, while stocks have higher earning potential. You don’t need thousands of dollars to get started, either. 48

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U.S. Savings Bonds start at $25 increments which only cost you $12.50. And lame as they are, Savings Bonds can’t get snagged in a divorce! While most mutual funds do require an initial investment of $1000 or more, you can actually buy an individual stock which is a mutual fund in and of itself: It’s called a SPIDER, which is a nickname for a Standard and Poor Depository Receipt…basically it’s a fractional share of every stock available in the S&P. They can be purchased through brokers, at whatever price the market is getting for them—normally anywhere between $100 and $200. Also, you can by stocks without a broker by joining NAIC, the National Association of Investors Corporation. (Their website is www.betterinvesting.org). For $35 a year, you can be your own ‘investor’s club’ and choose from a pretty decent selection of stocks. You can also set up a “DRIP”, which is a Dividend Reinvestment Program, where your funds go into one certain stock and its dividends are automatically reinvested for you. This is all the investment advice I feel qualified to give; for more, start reading up on the subject, or visit the “Cash Money Ho’s” at www.themotleyfool.com, a website wholly dedicated to shrewd investing. 5. Get A Sense Of Humor. For this formidable task, you’ll need to get a few joke books from the library, or the nearest bookstore. Learn some relatively new, clean jokes. In fact, have seven or eight of them you can shoot off in rapid succession. If you want to know why, consider the fact that a sense of humor is one of the most desirable qualities that women find in men, after power, devotion, etc. (In fact, the power to make people laugh is yet another form of power! More POWER, Scotty! Kirk out!) It’s theorized that laughter is a signal meaning “it is safe here”— and if there’s one thing women appreciate, it’s safety. I myself think that laughter is a temporary ‘spasm’ of happiness. Whichever is true, if you can get a girl to laugh in the first few moments of meeting her, 49


it’s a lot easier to break the ice. Moreover, the mere act of telling someone a joke (even a joke that doesn’t work) signals that person that you like them, and you want them to like you. A joke that works also signals that you’re charming, intelligent and witty. Test it yourself: follow up a really popular joke with a pretty bad one. Notice that after the bad one, people will groan, sigh, and shake their heads, but they will still make eye contact with you and they will still smile! There’s a final reason to memorize some good jokes: there will come a time in your life when you will meet a woman who Stuns you, Dazzles you, boils your testosterone and takes your breath away…along with any intelligent opening lines you had up to that point. You know telling her she’s beautiful is redundant. You know she’s already heard every line in the book. You will desperately search your malfunctioning memory banks for something, anything, to break the ice and get a foot in her door… And your top joke will be there for you. I guarantee it. And even if it doesn’t work, she will look you in the eyes and smile, and the ice will be broken. But do note my use of the word clean. Clean jokes, at first…if you’ve known a girl for a week and she’s cozy with you, you can riff any obscenity-packed monologue and she’ll grin and bear it. But for the girls you’ve just met, keep ‘em clean. Also ditch the blonde jokes, or jokes against women in general. Trust me, there will be more than enough material left over. As for what else to say to women in general, don’t sweat that yet. I’ve got it covered in an upcoming section. For now, you might want to… 6. Select A New Hobby. I would advise this being something in the public eye (even if it’s simply jogging), something you can possibly make money on, and something a few women your age are doing. Martial arts, foreignlanguage classes, computer classes, the fine arts (especially drama and dance, where women are never in short supply), musical 50

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instrument classes, volunteer work, local politics, any type of sport, etc. This is of course in addition to your workout program, all right? Your humble servant discovered acting a while back, and girls

poured out of the woodwork! They crawled naked over broken glass to get to me! Actually, they just showed up. But I do recall each performance reaping a new relationship, either with an actress or an appreciative audience member. If you’re still on our Get-Out-Of-Debt program above, you can put this on the back burner for now, volunteer, or find a hobby that doesn’t cost anything (community theatre didn’t cost me anything except my time). Otherwise, try whatever you like, do what you wanna do, let your freak flag fly, but do something besides veg out on your fungi-covered couch. Interest uncovers talent, which is yet another form of Power (M.P.S.K.O.!). It’ll also make you smarter, give you something to discuss, enrich you personally, and your first karate class could contain quite a shapely yellow-belt who’ll be happy to drop-kick you through the Bedposts of Life. Next, you might want to… 7. Get A Business Card. Unless you already have one. These are an optional, but highly useful social tool. And note that they don’t have to be occupational! In fact, if your current card doesn’t say you’re a business owner, CEO, President, Vice-President, some sort of Manager, or at least that you’re self-employed, feel free to switch to a non-occupational card. (You can also stretch the truth to say you’re a “consultant” of any kind, it’s a cool word to abuse…but if your card says “Freelance Writer” and you’re not, I will call up a genuine Freelance Writer in your area and have him or her track you down and choke you to death with one of their manuscripts.) Your card can just have your name, phone number and e-mail on it (I don’t suggest your address, but a Post Office box is okay) and some cool photography or graphics. One of the coolest cards I’ve 51


ever seen was from an entrepreneur: it merely had his name, his number, a picture of a waterfall and a quote from Emerson (“Our chief want in life is to find someone who will help us do what we can”). It was classy, memorable, and had the basic information he wanted you to know. Artistic cards are a godsend for you guys who might not have an impressive day job, but might be the next Brad Pitt or Tom Clancy. Actually, they’re also good for guys who have impressive day jobs, since they only last a few months these days. When your girl reads a card like this, she’ll obviously ask “Ummm, so, what do you do?” And you begin weaving your tangled web. For our purposes, the use of the business card is twofold: One, as a card in and of itself, and Two, to get her phone number. When you ask for a girl’s phone number, hand her a card and a pen and ask her to write it on the back of your card for you. Naturally you can write it on the card yourself, but nine times out of ten, when you hand a girl your card—even just to write something down on— she’s going to read it as well. After you get it back from her, put it in your wallet. Not pocket, wallet. 50% of you are probably thinking, “Why don’t I just write her number down on a matchbook/napkin/my wrist/whatever?” Okay, go for it. See what happens. The other 50% of you are thinking, “Well, since I’ve got a card, why don’t I just give it to her and tell her to call ME?” Okay, go for it. See what happens. (You obviously should give her your card and tell her to call you—if she’s really interested she’ll ask for one anyway—after you’ve written her number down for yourself. That way, if she turns out to be one of those magical, wonderful, much-appreciated 3 out of ten women who makes the first move, you’re all set!) Cards are also great in situations where verbal communication is difficult. At a recent heavy metal concert, I knew the band would be louder than a train wreck, so I wrote out a few choice lines on the back of a few cards first, like Draft Beer, Please and Get Me An Ice 52

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Water And I’ll Give You A Full-Body Massage!, along with other cheesy, R-rated pleasantries. A few said Hello-You Look Nice, I’d like To Meet You Whenever, Enjoy The Show, Drive Carefully.. I passed one of those latter cards, along with a glass of ice water, to a sweatdrenched female headbanger, winked and waved to her, then went on screaming and raving with the other carnivores. At home that night after the show, I had a phone call waiting on the answering machine: “Hi, I don’t normally fall for the business card approach, but yours was kind of cute. My name’s Patricia, here’s my number…” And off we went on a few dates. So: the ‘business-card approach’: Good or evil? Useful or no? I swear by it, but I’ll let you be the judge. But do keep in mind that Patricia could not and would not have called me if I hadn’t used the ‘business-card approach’. Note that you can business cards made online for free from a company called www.vistaprint.com; unless you want an upgraded card, you only pay for shipping and handling.

8. Learn One Magic Trick Or ‘Stunt’. This is optional, but it does provide advantages: (A) It’s a source of pride to master a magic trick. (B) It’s something not everyone can do, which automatically makes you ‘a cut above the rest’ (C) It gives you an aura of charisma/intelligence/skill (D) Like a decently-told joke, it signals the person you’re performing for that you like them and want to entertain them. (E), All of the above, equals Power! (M.P.S.K.O.) Stunts are much the same, they’re simply feats of skill…but the magic trick makes it seem more like you’re entertaining and less like you’re ‘showing off’. Pick whatever trick you want, however make it something relatively new (i.e., one that women haven’t seen a thousand times), and one you can do quickly and easily. Some basic ‘mental telepathy’ tricks are neat in this regard; since they’re educated guesses, there’s a slight chance of they’re failure, 53


but so what, really. Master a magic trick and you’ll always have an icebreaker and a way to liven up a stalled party. Don’t have one handy and want to impress a girl fast? Drink a half a glass of beer through your nose, like I do in my stand-up act.

9. Assemble The Following: On You: Comb or hairbrush. Pen that Writes. Cards (as above) in your wallet, or a crush-proof container. Vitamin C drops (doubles as a breath mint AND a cool Samaritan gesture to a woman who’s coughing), or mints.

In your Car: Air Freshener That battered old suitcase you never use (currently in your basement). (With) One decent change of clothes, one pair of swim trunks, one pair of boxers, One dark t-shirt, two towels, and a duffel bag. Toiletry kit w/razor, soap, toothbrush, toothpaste and condoms (more than one). A reasonably clean blanket. Candles and matches. Your personal “Slide-Guitar” tape or CD (explained later). Flask of cognac or liqueur (optional). Pre-wrapped present (perfume, stuffed animal, etc) in two plastic bags. Skin-So-Soft Lotion (acts as a combination skin cream, massage oil and mosquito repellent!) or baby oil.

In Your Apartment/Hiz-ouse: Two bottles of decent wine (one red, one white)…Do Not

Refrigerate. 54

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Two better-than-average frozen TV dinners Microwave popcorn Jell-O Instant Pudding mix Reddi-whip whipped cream (the ‘shoot out of the can’ style) Another “Slide-Guitar” tape or CD More candles More condoms Incense Dark Red Bath Towel Extra Shower Curtain Liner All kinds of pillows Massage Oils (Optionally baby oil or suntan oil) “G-rated” board game (Monopoly, etc.) “X-Rated” board game (‘Sip & Go Naked’, etc.) Classy bathrobe Somewhat classy Dark-colored boxer shorts and/or boxer-briefs

For The Advanced Gigolo: Strobe Light Massage Table Peacock Feathers Copy of the Kama Sutra and/or Ecstasy Through Tantra Glow-in-the-dark ‘stars’ pasted all over the bedroom ceiling and walls Strategically placed mirrors I’m guessing your devious mind is already envisioning the uses for these charming necessities…for example: “Well, K.K., I’m just aching to have sex with you, but I’m on my period.” But since I’m prepared, I say “No problem, lamp of love, I just happen to have this dark red bath towel to put under you.” Or, say you’re out driving and you find a beautiful, undisturbed, glistening lake that just screams to you midnight swimming, here, now…and you broach the subject to your 55


girl, who says “Well, I don’t have a swimsuit…” To which you reply: No problem darling, I’ve got a dark t-shirt, some extra boxers, and a towel standing by…” . And, since you probably have most of this already stashed somewhere (with the exception of the ‘Advanced Gigolo’ section), you should be able to get them all for around $50.00, inclusive. Okay, that takes care of you; now all we need to do is get you to her. Onward through the fog…

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Part Two: Making Contact (Coincidentally, that’s also a pretty good UFO album. Not as good as Obsession or Lights Out, but it’s up there.)

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How to Crash without Burning We may as well get the unpleasant facts of life out of the way first. One thing you’ve got to realize is, some women are going to turn you down. No matter who you are, what you do, what you look like, how much money you make, some women are going to turn you down. Back in the day, I was making the rounds at a construction site to ensure that nobody had been crushed under a steamroller, when I heard the blaring horn of the roach-coach…er, catering truck, and naturally all work activity stopped. “Ah!” I said to nobody in particular. “Snackwoman dares to attack us again, with her overpriced cargo of questionable ‘food’.” But as the truck stopped, I noticed it was not the usual 220-pound leviathan Snackwoman at the wheel, but a trim young blonde with legs up to her…Dive! Dive! Dive! My kamikaze hormones commanded. “Watch me crash and burn as I ask out Little Red Riding Bod!” I told my boss. “Go Git ‘er!” He cackled, the old lech. I walked up, bought a coffee, said hello, and asked her her name. “Dawn.” She said. “What’s yours?” “What’s Mine? Everything! Everything you see here, it’s All Mine— Oh, my name, you mean. K.K.” I told her. “And, uh, what do you do?” She asked, noticing the Clipboard of Power and the Radio of Doom I held, the talismans of my station. “Bookkeeping, cement-pouring, ditch-digging, safety checks, first aid, air-guitaring…hey, can I ask you something?” “Sure.” 58

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“Would you like to go out some time?” “Sure, here’s my number…” She said. I was stunned, but I managed to get her number down. Hey, Wait A Minute! You suddenly interrupt. I Thought This Was

The Part About Getting Turned Down! Well, it is, but do you think I’m gonna churn up bad memories for you, pal? The point is, she could just as easily have said no, and I would have dealt with it, and met another woman later. (If it’s any consolation, my car broke down before I could take her out and an overpaid carpenter ‘jumped my claim’, so there you have it.) Also, notice how I told my boss “Watch Me Crash And Burn!” first. Even if my boss isn’t around, I Still tell myself “Watch Me Crash And Burn”” every time I approach a woman. This seems immaterial, but to me it’s crucial. I dress to kill, make eye contact, smile, and am complimentary, suave and generous to a fault (when I’m sober) every time I approach a woman…But, at the same time, I’m thinking “Watch Me Crash And Burn” to myself. I am always mentally

prepared for a woman to turn me down. This might fly in the face of today’s hot ‘dream it and you’ll achieve it’ philosophies, but nothing works better in the battle of the sexes. This is actually an extrapolation of Robert J. Ringer’s Theory of a Positive Result Through A Negative Assumption. Broken down into layman’s terms, it simply means “Prepare for the worst, and the best is so much better when you reach it instead.” Some of you New-Age types will come back with the witty refrain “When you Assume, you make an Ass out of You and Me!” Well, guess what? We’re All asses until proven otherwise. We’re actually Sheep…God Himself calls us that: You Are My Sheep: (Dumb, dirty and defenseless). Ask yourself what’s worse: Thinking I’m hotter than 10 Haitians in

a Volkswagen, This girl doesn’t stand a CHANCE, She’s gonna be shining my SHOES with her TONGUE two seconds after I say HELLO to her…and getting turned down anyway, for no other reason than she got fired that day, and is pissed off at the whole world… OR thinking Okay, this girl seems pretty cool, but she’s not ALL 59


THAT, there are 3 BILLION others like her all over the planet, this is no big deal. I’m not doing anything illegal, immoral or fattening. If she turns me down, SO WHAT? It’s HER loss, because I treat women like Goddesses. If she doesn’t, it’s gravy…and getting turned down…or not! In my terms, Crashing is getting turned down; Burning is that petty, irrelevant, unnecessary feeling of shame we feel afterward. As long as men have to initiate the relationship and as long as all human beings think differently, we’ll all crash once in a while. But you can and must learn not to burn! There is no shame in this game. Take heed: 1. Shyness Must Be Destroyed. Once upon a time it was polite, mysterious and socially acceptable to be shy. That time was around 1600 AD; and if you weren’t ‘shy’ you were probably accused of witchcraft. Now, shyness is a handicap, and it’s ironically one we give

ourselves. I was stupidly, needlessly ‘shy’ for the first 16 years of my life, and not one girl ever approached me saying “You looked so shy that I just had to come over and ask you out!” Instead, I was branded weird for my fear of interaction. Were any of us born shy? Hell no, we screamed for attention every waking moment—and we were rewarded for screaming, with milk, formula, hugs, love, whatever! It’s when we were quiet that we were ignored. Now, obviously you don’t want to go overboard into obnoxious, brash, loud megalomania. It’s even worse than being shy. But do destroy your shyness, by any means necessary. Pretend every woman you meet is only wearing her underwear (until she finally strips down to her underwear for you!), and also take heed of the following… 2. Everyone Crashes And Burns. Everyone. Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson, Fabio, even me. You pick some guy that girls are supposed to go crazy over, and I’ll find a girl who 60

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nearly vomits at the mention of his name. Don’t forget, you probably turned down a girl once or twice yourself. So if it’s any consolation, it’s not just you. 3. The Only Way Out Is To Take Yourself Off The Field. Meaning, the only way to stop rejection is to stop trying to make contact! Which means a staggering choice of A. Get Married, B. Get Celibate, or C. Die. While A is a viable option and C doesn’t really count, I guarantee you that B will turn you into a lonely, heartbroken wretch as you keep admiring women from afar and watching them gravitate to other guys. So For God’s Sake, Don’t Do It, Man!!! Wait a minute, I’m making more competition for myself…

4. It’s Far From Fatal .I’ve found that when girls turn me down (and I daresay that by sheer weight of numbers, more girls have turned me down than have turned you down), they’re usually kind of cool about it. Eight times out of ten I get something like “Thanks anyway”; the remaining two are the ones that say “I’d rather lick toads.” (To which I respond with, “You sound like a woman of experience”.) Since I normally use a mellow, polite approach, I’ve never had a woman kick me, stab me, shoot me, disembowel me, plunge spikes in my eyes, whoops, there goes the horror writer again… In reality, the girl who’s turned me down has just done me a favor! She’s saved me umpteen gallons of gas, several pairs of movie tickets, at least three dinners, God knows how many drinks, endless flowers, and a great deal of time, which I can immediately put to good use meeting another girl. In fact, considering the manner in which I normally treat women, she’s not turning me down, she’s turning herself down! Hahahahahahaha! Waiter, ego check, please… 61


There are many, many, many, many other women who Won’t turn you down. 5.

Mail-order Brides, for instance…Hahahahaha! Sorry, I couldn’t resist that one. Seriously, the number of receptive, open-minded, attractive, adventurous and single girls in America staggers the imagination! It’s a numbers game that you can’t help but win, eventually.

After You Crash, You MUST Forget About It Immediately If Not Sooner. You rarely learn anything from crashing except what that one particular woman doesn’t go for; your approach 6.

might have worked like a charm on the girl nine feet to her right. But most guys out tomcattin’ will go out to a club, approach one girl, and if we get turned down, we pull our heads back into our shells and sulk over it all night! Or worse, some guys knock back three shots of Uncle Rotgut’s whiskey to kill the ‘humiliation’, so they’re thoroughly sloshed by the time they get the stones to approach the next girl. She’s almost guaranteed to turn them down (since they’re tipsy, desperate and reeking of booze), and the cycle begins all over again. This drink-approach-drink routine can also have a tragic ending called The Coyote Morning where you have to chew off your arm so you don’t wake the strange, scary, vaguely humanoid thing sleeping next to you.

The One Truth of Crashing and Burning is:

If at First You Don’t Succeed, Get a Bigger F*#$%’n Hammer…er, I mean, Try, Try again. I wholeheartedly agree that getting turned down is no picnic. It hurts, yeah. We think we’re ugly, or not good enough, or whatever. It’s not true, but that’s what we think. You’ll get turned down for whatever reason. You’ll read this book and you’ll get turned down again (eventually). You’ll read this book, put on twenty pounds of muscle, wear the right cologne, have all the 62

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fresh fly threads, drive a Porsche, be able to converse on any number of topics, and some woman might turn you down. You’ll possibly get married (that way, you won’t get turned down for years), kick back, relax, get a house, have kids, probably get divorced, go out to meet a new woman, and You’ll Eventually Get Turned Down Again. Less and less, obviously, but it’ll still happen. The trick is to Crash without Burning, or feel rejected or ashamed. Because there’s nothing to be ashamed of, is there? You Went For It, which is something a lot of other guys didn’t have the stones to do. Have you ever seen a wildly beautiful woman with a hmmm, lessthan-average-looking man? Of course you have. Of the entire male population, is he the smartest? The richest? The strongest? The funniest? The kindest? The most talented? NO! He’s the one who

WENT for her, while the rest of us nursed our drinks in the shadows waiting for HER to approach US! So get out there and crash! You’ve got to be like Stephen King’s Christine, the car that gets crushed to pulp and automatically rebuilds itself every time! Soon you’ll be saying “Well, her loss! Who’s next?” Make it into a ‘game’ on Boy’s Night Out: the one with the fewest ‘crashes’ (or simply the one who’s approached the fewest women) pays the bar tab…regardless if they hooked up or not! However, if you’re crashing continuously (say, ten out of ten approaches), the reason may be a flaw in your approach: 1. Using “Lines” (The old, worn-out verbal kind) 2. Coming on too strong (Overtly sexual, boastful, etc.) 3. Coming on too weak (nervous, apologetic, etc.) 4. Physical appearance/outfit 5. Laser breath/body odor 6. Trying to be someone/something you’re not (fake accent, phony occupation, etc.) 7. Dull/humorless approach 8. Being obviously drunk or high 9. Rude/awkward approach (sneaking up, interrupting, 63


spraying spit, talking too fast/loud) Don’t despair, any of these are forgivable and correctable. Unfortunately, we tend to do two or three at the same time, don’t we? Work on it. And don’t be afraid to crash and burn. Past failures are guidelines for future successes. If at first you don’t succeed…

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The First Glance On the web, a lot of guys ask me “What’s the first thing a woman notices about a guy?” I hate to answer a question with a question, but I usually say “What can she see?” If you’re facing her, she’s probably going to look at your eyes first. Besides using Visine, there’s not much you can do about your eyes. If you’ve got glasses, see if you can upgrade to contact lenses when you’re out on the town. At least make sure your glasses aren’t held together with masking tape, ya nerd. Next she’ll check out your face and your body, but, because of the Awesome self-improvement program you’re on, it’s going to be immediately obvious to her that you’re a Megaton Leviathan ready to hit the roof. (On the serious tip, women check out eyes, then face/hair/teeth, then shoulders, then butt, then ‘package’. They can’t really check out arms or abs unless you’re half-naked.) So she’s going to check out (or at least notice) what’s covering you. Yeah, your clothes. Don’t be dismayed here, no matter what your budget is. In fact, Murphy’s Law always kicks in when I’m wearing a Megadeth T-shirt and ratty jeans and I’m covered in construction-filth whenever a hot girl strolls by. Where clothes are concerned, be yourself, to hell with ‘fashion’. Whatever’s popular now will be old news by the time you finish reading this book. As you read this, Maxim Magazine is actually promoting some wasted leather jacket that costs $950. Jump on it if you like; next year it’ll be in some consignment shop for $50. 65


Where clothing is concerned, keep a few things in mind. First of all, count yourself lucky that you're a man! I continually wonder how women can go on being assaulted with 19,873 different ‘in fashion’ outfits to choose from every year without losing their minds! In that respect, we’ve got it relatively easy: one suit, some jeans and shirts, and three pairs of shoes. Second of all, you want clothes that fit, especially if you’ve built up some muscle. More POWER, Scotty, Kirk out! Third, when you’re out on the town, make sure what you’ve got on is clean and unwrinkled. As men, we normally could care less; I know I do. But you wouldn’t believe how wrinkles turn off women. It also helps if your clothes are new, unless you’re going to a Slayer concert or something. Fourth, if you wear ‘labeled’ clothing, be prepared to get stuck with it (meaning ‘connected’ with that label). I don’t mean ‘Brooks Brothers’ labels, I mean clothes that identify you with some specific company or group. Not to put down Burger King, but would you wear one of their uniforms to a nightclub? Don’t laugh; there are guys right now walking around some concert wearing a T-shirt from Irv’s Heating And Air Conditioning and wondering why women aren’t kneeling before them like they’re gods. Shirts that read ‘23rd Street

Crips—Represent, Yo!’ or ‘Angry Neurotic Catholics of Orlando’ or ‘I Got This Shirt For My Wife—Good Trade, Huh?’ are even worse than Irv’s Heating in the pick-up department. If you wear something with writing on it, ensure that it projects Power (Like ‘Casting Director, Irv’s Productions’) and/or it’s something you can start a conversation with (‘Make 25 million a year—Ask me how!’). Fifth, if you wear something with stripes on it, realize that stripes can subtly alter perceptions. Vertical stripes will make you appear taller; horizontal stripes make you appear broader. So if you’re fivefeet-five and weigh five hundred pounds, I’d go with the vertical stripes. Sixth, heterosexual men do not need jewelry, unless you’re a pimp or a pirate. Women don’t seem either attracted or detracted by 66

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earrings on a guy. Similarly, they don’t seem to notice rings or gold chains…but they will notice your watch. So if you feel like you’ve got to have jewelry, make sure at least the watch looks decent…and do realize that the more ‘upscale’ you look, the more money women think you have (for better or worse)! Seventh, women also notice your shoes. They just do. Don’t ask me why. So make sure the three pairs you own are relatively upscale…and clean ‘em up before you step out. We’ll cover this more in an upcoming section called Chrome, because clothes essentially are chrome, meaning that they help sell the product but have little to do with the product itself. A final note: don’t let what you’re wearing stop you from making contact. Case in point: you’ve just gotten up from a wild party and you throw on some ratty shorts, destroyed sneakers and a shredded Tshirt that reads Liquor Up Front, Poker In The Rear or some other witticism, because you plan to spend the rest of the day on your couch scratching your ‘nads. But you’re out of coffee/milk/chips/beer/whatever, so you stagger across the street to the convenience store to get some. You enter, and There She Is! The Woman Of Your Dreams!!! She’s Beautiful!!! She’s Leaving!!! What do you do? You can’t run back to change clothes, it’s too late. My favorite tactic is to say: “Hi there. I know I might seem like Mr. Hyde right now, but if you’d like to meet Dr. Jekyll…who treats women like goddesses…just call this number.” Remember, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. ****

(Optional Exercise: ‘On The Make In Style’) Get all cleaned up, put on your best outfit, and go out and meet a woman. THIS time, don’t stop until you’ve had a conversation with at least 67


three women (unless the first one takes you to bed right off the bat). For our purposes, a ‘conversation’ is at least four sentences each. Your goal is to get HER to continue the conversation, WITHOUT continually asking her questions. **** Normally, whenever there’s a horde of women in a social setting, you’ll start looking at each one in turn, trying to determine which ones are desirable to you. There’s no shame in that game; they’re probably doing the same thing to you. You can determine which women find you desirable within the First Ten Seconds Of Eye Contact. But you know something? Most of us don’t determine this because we Don’t Make Eye contact For that Long! Admit it: you look at an attractive woman, and then when she looks at You, you turn away! Why? I don’t know, I still do it myself, and I slap myself afterwards! It’s probably something left over from that ‘Medusa’ legend, or something psychological. I’ll read a few more textbooks and get back to you. You can significantly reduce your ‘crashes’ by meeting her gaze

and letting HER look away first. This requires a bit of tact on your part because you don’t want to come across like Svengali or Dracula. Try to look calm, pleased, innocent and appreciative. (I try to mouth the word ‘hello’ whether she’s in earshot or not). Note that if your eyes start wandering all over her body while she’s looking at you, she may think you’re another sex-hog on the prowl, or just a typical guy…so try to judge a woman’s physical assets discreetly, if you feel a need to judge them at all. (A few times you and a girl might catch each other in the old ‘double-backside’…you walk past her, turn around to check out her ass, and she turns around to check out yours at the same time. It’s a classic.) 68

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Okay. She’s looking at you, and presumably she’s not screaming in terror and running away. So far, so good. Now: does she give you a once-over and then look elsewhere? If so, this does not necessarily mean that she’s stuck-up or totally inaccessible. It does mean that she’s probably not going to pounce on you initially, and your chances of ‘crashing’ with this particular girl are better than average at the moment. Does she return your gaze for more than a few moments? There is some interest here, so smile. Does she Keep looking at you and Does She Smile? Ah-Ha! Here we go. Smile back, then take a quick look around to ensure that Fabio isn’t standing behind you, popping his pectorals. (Back in high school when I was twice as naive, there was a girl shouting and pointing at me, saying “Nice legs! C’mere, you!” And I thought, ‘okay’, and walked over to her and she said “What do you want?”—It turned out she was calling to a construction worker on the roof above me. Oh well—if at first you don’t succeed…) It is also to your benefit to discreetly look at her hands (if you can see them) to determine if she is wearing a wedding ring! There are times when a woman will be looking at you, perhaps even smiling at you, when she’s in the company of another man. This could be her husband or boyfriend, or a co-worker, or a male acquaintance. This is usually God’s little way of saying “Please Don’t Touch”, but there are certain signs that might specify their relationship: if they’re holding hands, or are deep in conversation, they probably are a couple and she just checked you out arbitrarily. If they’re talking, but there’s more than an arm’s length between them and they often look away towards other people or talk to other people, they’re probably co-workers or acquaintances. If he’s talking at her, not with her, and she’s nodding once in a while but mostly looking away, or mostly towards you, he’s probably some guy trying to pick her up. Is he turning purple with rage that she’s looking at you? If so, reign in your mule for the moment. We’ll tackle this subject in an upcoming section called The Competition. 69


Three quick anecdotes: 1. I’m at a Saxon concert. An adorable redhead is headbanging away, four feet to my right. She’s right next to some nerd, so I figure they ‘re together, so I don’t say anything and I don’t meet her and I don’t make love to her. But who gives a rat’s ass, I get to see Saxon play live in concert (and Biff Byford calls out my banner, and Life Goal #22 is fulfilled). 2. I’m at an L.A. Guns concert. A particularly cute blonde girl in a leather miniskirt is with a guy, but keeps looking at me. I smile, play some air-guitar, she looks again, I smile back, wondering if I’ve got snot dripping out of my nose or something. Finally she comes to me and says “Hi, I’m Ellen, what’s your name?”, (with a delicious British accent that always brings me to my knees) leaving her guy friend alone. Stunned, I just said “K.K….but isn’t your boyfriend gonna get jealous?” And Ellen said “Hmmm? What boyfriend? ‘Im? Oh, ‘E’s not me boyfriend, ‘E’s just a friend.” So instantly we started getting into each other, and it was especially cool when the Guns played “Sex Action” and Ellen made a point of bending over in front of me and thrusting backwar---ahem… 3. I’m at an AC/DC tribute band concert—whoever they were, they were quite good--and a beautiful (but slightly older) blonde woman is headbanging furiously next to this guy. So once again I don’t approach. Then the guy leaves, and doesn’t come back. Finally the woman says something to me, and I meet Dorothy Bell The Headbanging Real Estate Agent, whom I date through 2000 and am still friends with now in 2005! So, if a girl is with another guy, but keeps giving you the eye, don’t abandon all hope, just play it cool.

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Lines I’m not talking about the kind you chop up on a mirror. There are opening lines and there are pickup lines. An opening line is simply the first thing you say to a woman you’ve just met. So most of us have a very simple, basic, time-honored opening line: “Hello.” Wow, isn’t that difficult. Let’s face it: Hello isn’t wildly creative, but it’s polite. Of course, you’re going to need something else to say when she says hello back. Follow up by asking her name, where she’s from, (I always say “So, what part of Alabama are you from?” And she’ll usually say “I’m not from Alabama! And I’ll just ignore her and say “Mobile? Great town, great town…”) etc., and you’ll find out pretty soon if she’s interested or not. Personally, I’m a little bored with Hello, so I believe I’ve found a better opener. It’s just as simple: “Nice Outfit.” Even if she’s wearing a moth-eaten burlap bag, I’ll say, “Nice outfit.” This is because women wear clothing like it’s important instead of necessary, and all day long they’re praying they have the ‘right’ outfit on, praying it looks good on them, praying that somebody notices and/or appreciates it. I have never seen a woman fail to smile at that line. Just remember: “Nice outfit.” Another opener is good when girls are at their jobs, doing that Hican-I-help-you seduction: “Gorgeous (insert her occupation here) are Back!” 71


So you have gorgeous cops, bank tellers, clerks, nurses, etc. Women always like to be told they’re good-looking (who doesn’t?) so this line works well most of the time. You can also substitute ‘beautiful’ or ‘hot’ for gorgeous. By the same token, compliment the girl on whatever you find striking about her (“Those are some magical eyes you’ve got there”). Not voracious ass-kissing, just casual observations, delivered politely. I don’t normally say “Hey, nice ass!” to a woman unless I’m half in the bag and ready for a good slap. Another line that serves double duty is… “Hey, Did You Break Up With Your Boyfriend Yet?” This A. indicates you’re interested, B. flatters her, and C. lets you know if she has a boyfriend, which is kind of important (personally, I automatically assume every good-looking woman is already in a relationship, so this line saves me a lot of time). If she says “No”, I say “Well, off you go, then.” If she says “Yes” or “I don’t have a boyfriend”, I say “Really? Great. Here’s my card…” Once in a great while I’ll use the line “Smile for me.”. It normally produces a smile, and it’s easier to break the ice from there with a follow-up line. Strangely, one girl came back with “Fuck you! Why don’t you smile?” And I came back with “I’ll smile if you were sincere with that offer to fuck me.” Which brings me to my next point: Contrary to popular belief, There Is Nothing Wrong With Using A Polite Opening Line On A Single Woman. A few ‘women’, like the example above, can react to an opening line like “How dare you try to interact with me!” as if you or I were some kind of coolies or untouchables. How dare I? Easy. For one thing, this is America, birthplace of Free Speech. For another thing, since I don’t have telepathic powers (yet), I’ve got no other option, since I find you attractive. I haven’t interrupted your conversation, I haven’t insulted you or done 72

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anything the least bit threatening, and I’ve actually paid you a compliment. And if you think you’re going to condemn or demoralize me for trying, you’ve got another thing coming. It only happens rarely (because I’ve usually ‘qualified’ the girl with eye contact first), but if and when a woman does snap at me for trying to start a conversation with me, I will neither insult her or apologize, but I will justify myself. I’ll say “Excuse me, I thought you were nice, apparently I was wrong.” A lot of times that will ‘defrost’ a woman and she’ll apologize. If she doesn’t, I’ll just walk away. If she actually goes off on me, using insults and the like, I’ll take a step back, crank my voice up to twice her volume, and shout “Three Hundred Bucks?! For An Hour With You?! You Better Drag Your Ass Before I get the Cops!!!” But I’m happy to say this has only needed to be said once in three decades! Now for the pickup line. I probably shouldn’t be including these, but they’re good for a laugh. However, you can get slapped, or worse, by using these. Do Not blame me if these don’t work, because Pickup Lines Rarely Do Work. They’re like saying: “Hi, I’m a cheap, unimaginative sleazebag. Want to eat pizza and fuck? What’s the matter, you don’t like pizza?” The lines that do work, work because you have delivered the right line to the right girl with the right amount of style, humor, courage and/or honesty…normally the girl that’s dying for you to say anything at all to her. (Special thanks to James T. Honey II for his excellent suggestion of bumping subtly into a woman and saying “Whoops, sorry, honey, I didn’t know angels flew this low.”) But what the hell, maybe you’d like to dust a few of these off anyway: 1. “Is that a keg in your pants? Because I want to tap that ass.” 2. (Lick forefinger, touch it to her clothes) “Let me help you out 73


of those wet things.” 3. “Fuck me if I’m wrong, but I think you want to kiss me.” 4. “Was your father a drug dealer? Because you’re so Dope…” 5. “Was your father a terrorist? ‘Cause you’re the Bomb…” 6. “Was your father a karate expert? ‘Cause that body is Kickin’!” 7. “Was your father a thief? ‘Cause he must’ve stole stars out of Heaven and put ‘em in your eyes.” 8. “Excuse me, I’ve got amnesia. Do I come here often?” 9. “Drop-kick me, baby, through the bed-posts of life.” 10. “Did you wash your clothes in Windex? ‘Cause I can see myself in your pants.” 11. “Did it hurt? When you fell out of Heaven.” 12. “Fuck me before I kill again!” 13. “I’d walk across America on my hands and knees for you…well, on a roadmap, of course.” 14. “Hi, I lost my phone number, can I have yours?” 15. “Hi, can you help me find my cat? I think he went into this cheap hotel room…” 16. “Girl, you’re hotter than a goat’s ass in a pepper patch.” (Works best in the South or Midwest.) 17. “Hi! I’m a famous movie producer!” 18. “My name’s (Ken), so you’ll know what to Scream.” 19. “I could fall madly in bed with you.” 20. “Can I help you with your coat? Good. Now how about your dress?” 21. “C’mon over to my place. I’ve only got one etching.” 22. “Hi, I’m new in town. I was wondering if I could get directions to your place…?” 23. “Can you give me a hand for a minute? I can’t do all this cocaine by myself.” 24. “Hi, can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?” 25. “Ever have a sixty-second love affair? No? Got a minute?” 26. “Lie down, I want to talk to you.” 74

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27. “Baby, I’m so good, in five minutes we’ll both be screaming my name.” 28. “I Have Chocolate, Tobacco, Silk Stockings…” (Best used in third-world countries.) 29. “That dress looks very becoming on you. Of course, If I was on you, I’d be coming too.” 30. “Would you like to have breakfast? Should I call you or nudge you?” 31. “Hi, I’m Miles. Miles Long.” (You’d better be!) 32. (As she’s drinking) “Don’t drink that! It’ll give you Very Large Breasts…Whoops, too late…” 33. “Four out of five voices in my head recommended that I come over here and talk to you.” 34. “Hi, I’m Mr. Right. I heard you were looking for me.” 35. “Wow! Great job, God.” 36. “Yo’ de best-lookin’ chick to come down de pike! OoohWee!” 37. “Let’s play charades: my word will be O-R-G-A-S-M.” 38. “Me, well, I’m kind of an oral hygienist. Great with hygiene, great with oral.” 39. “Care to dance…on my back?” 40. “Hi, you see my friend over there? He wants to know if you think I’m cute.” 41. “My Jaguar needs an oil change. Do you want it?” 42. “I wish I was you, so I could make love to me.” 43. “That dress looks great. It would look even better on the floor next to my bed.” 44. “I’d like to place an order…to drink your bathwater.” 45. “Oh, Nurse…can you help me? I’ve got this sudden Stiffness…” 46. (Crude French accent) “Ahhh…I love you. You set my soul on fire. Eet is not a leetle Spark, eet is a Flame. A beeg, roaring flame…ahh, I can feel eet now, eet is Burning…” 47. “Assume the Position!” (It should be interesting to see what 75


she does, if you don’t get slapped.) 48. “Care to join me in the sauna? There’s got to be one around here someplace.” 49. “You! The one with the Legs! Get me some water, Now!” (Even better when it’s shouted at a crowd of women, and they all start looking to see who’s got ‘the legs’.) 50. “Know the difference between sex and lobster? No? Good, let’s have dinner.” 51. “Let’s say your left leg is Thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas…could you see me between the holidays?” 52. “I’m a police officer. I need to frisk you for…umm…I just need to frisk you.” 53. “There are a million reasons we should be together tonight. I bet you could swallow them all.” 54. “My God! Sharon Stone! (If she’s blonde; Nicole Kidman if she’s a redhead, Jennifer Connelly if she’s brunette, Halle Berry if she’s black.) Can I have your autograph? I thought you were Great in (Basic Instinct/The Others/Dark City/Swordfish)…No? Damn, you look Just Like Her!!” (Whoever said “Flattery will get you nowhere” was probably the same guy who said man would never fly.) 55. “You Again!” (She won’t have a clue, so you continue:) “Don’t act all innocent! Don’t you remember back in (month/year) in (nearby town) when you told me you loved me? Oh! Sure! I got you off Twelve times in a row and you can’t even remember my Name!” (This requires a bit of improvisation on your part, but it can lead to some pretty interesting conversations.) 56. “Are you from Tennessee? ‘Cause you’re the only Ten I see.” 57. “If we are what we eat, I could be you by morning.” 58. “Do you have any Lithuanian in you? Would you like some?” (Or British, or Mexican, or whatever your nationality is.) 59. “If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?” 60. “Let’s play House; you be the door, and I’ll slam you all night long.” 61. “Let’s play Battleship; I’ll lay down and you blow the hell out 76

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of me.” 62. “Let’s play Construction; we’ll both get hammered, then I’ll nail you. 63. “Can I check the tag on your shirt? I want to see if you were made in Heaven.” 64. “I know milk does a body good, but Damn, girl, how much have You been drinkin’?” 65. “My name’s Ken, but you can call me by my Chinese name…Hung Lo.” 66. “Drop ‘Em!” 67. (Using a pocket watch, hypnotist-style) “Follow the watch. You are feeling sleazy, very sleazy…” 68. “Can you help me? I was looking for your heart, and I got lost in your eyes.” 69. “Are you religious? ‘Cause I could be the answer to your prayers.” 70. “Is there an airport around here or is that my heart taking off?” 71. “Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?” 72. “Are your legs tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.” 73. “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.” 74. “You’re going to want to put me on your speed-dial, ‘cause you’re gonna love the way I ‘star-69’ you.” 75. “Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?” 76. “I must be dying…I think I’m looking at Heaven.” 77. “Got a quarter? My Mom told me to call her as soon as I fell in love.” 78. “I’m not good at algebra, but doesn’t U+I=69?” 79. “If I followed you home, would you keep me?” 80. “You were in my dreams last night…well, you were the only one I recognized.” 81. “I’m not Fred Flintstone, but I’ll make your Bed Rock!” 77


82. “Girl, you’re as fine as Frog Hair!” ‘Frogs don’t have hair’, she replies, and then you craftily say “That’s how Fine you is.” 83. “Why don’t you sit on my lap, and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up.” 84. “Now you’ve done it. I’ll have to dismiss my whole harem now that I’ve seen you.” 85. “I try to lead people to God. Especially women, they end up screaming His name over and over.” 86. “I don’t mean to seem narcissistic, but I can see a lot of myself in you.” 87. “Does your watch have a second hand? I want to see how long it takes me to fall in love with you.” 88. “Let’s get something straight between us.” (If she asks ‘what’, try to place her hand on your groin. For extra credit, don’t flinch when she knees you.) 89. “Are you an English major? I need someone to straighten out my Longfellow.” 90. “Everybody thinks I’m a gigolo…but I prefer the term ‘lowcost provider’.” 91. “If you cook like you walk, I’ll eat the leftovers.” 92. “I wanna Go Down to your post office and Lick me some stamps.” 93. “I wish I had a magnifying glass, so I could read all your Fine print.” 94. “Would you like to have morning coffee with me?” 95. “I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.” 96. “Have you ever had your belly-button licked…from the inside?” 97. “I’m on fire, can I run through your sprinkler?” 98. “Would you like to dance, or should I go fuck myself again?” 100. “Would you like Gin and Platonic or do you prefer Scotch and Sofa?” 101. “Are you ready to go home yet?” 102. “Say, did we go to different schools together?” 78

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103. (Motion a girl over with your fingers. When she arrives--) “I knew if I fingered you long enough, you’d come.” 104. (At the office copy machine) “Reproducing, eh?—Can I help?” 105. “Do you want to see something swell?” 106. “Hi, I make more money than you can spend.” 107. “Hey, want to go halves on a bastard?” 108. (Hold out two fingers) “Know why girls masturbate with these fingers?” (No) “Because they’re mine!” 109. “I’d look good on you.” 110. “Give me a minute and you’ll be back for seconds.” 111. “What time do you have to be back?” (“Where?”) “In Heaven.” 112. “Blood on my knife, or sh*t on my d*ck.” (Save this one for those hardcore girls who are out on parole.) I could go on and on, but they generally get worse from there, back into the ‘kamikaze’ range (i.e., it’s so late and you’re so hammered and so horny that you’ve only got enough courage/sobriety left to try one do-or-die line). Although I discourage the use of pickup lines, they aren’t against the law, and some of them do work on some women some of the time. In any event, it’s better to say Something to a woman you’re attracted to, than to say Nothing and wind up kicking yourself when she vanishes. Personally, I’ve found that pickup lines work best when they’re clean, subtle and humorous. If nothing else, once you’ve delivered a pickup line, your girl will respond with something (for better or worse!) so that you won’t be left in the dark.

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The ‘Twister’ And Now, at No additional charge, I have generously included The Twister! “What’s The Twister?” Ask your sister. Hahahahaha! Just kidding…kind of. The Twister is a technique/line reserved for those Amazingly, Stunningly, Hotter-than-ten-Haitians-in-a- Volkswagen Supermodeltype women that you Think you can’t approach because they’re so ‘hot’, and you’re male. Freg Zam Pull: “Wow, those are great-looking nails! Are they real?” “Hi! You’re pretty good-looking…except for that little thing clinging to your eyebrow…here, let me help you with that…(and you courteously flick absolutely nothing from her eyebrow).” “Man, that’s a great outfit…but you’ve got some string hanging there, let me help you with that…(see above).” “Hiya…Ummm…(look around, wrinkle nose)…you didn’t step in anything bad, did you?” “Is everything all right?” (She responds ‘sure/of course/why’, or some such.) “Okay—it just looked like you were in pain (or sad, etc.).” (Point at her dress/outfit) “Where did you get that?” (She responds). “Don’t go there anymore. It doesn’t do you justice.” (She asks why; you respond that it doesn’t bring out her eyes, or it makes her butt look fat, etc.) 80

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“Hold still for a minute…looks like you’ve got a spider on you…there, I got it.” “Hey, that’s a nice outfit…For Me To Poop On!!” “Hmmm…put on a few pounds, haven’t you?” Simply put, the Twister is a compliment and an insult at the same time. It seems petty, and it is, but it actually ‘levels the playing field’, and brings Supermodel-type women back down to Earth where you can communicate with them. As stated previously, the MCD of really beautiful women receive compliments by the truckload every day; they bounce off them like bullets off of Superman. Over time, though, the compliments sink in, until some of them think Wow, I really AM

hot, I’m hotter than Tabasco sauce on a sinner burning in hell, watch me strut my stuff, how dare these mortals talk to me without an appointment… At the same time, they’re constantly on alert to make sure they’re cosmetically perfect at all times, got the right outfit, not a hair out of place, etc., and they’re psychologically dreading that they don’t have a hair out of place. Thus, the Twister graciously reminds them that they are in fact mortal, like the rest of us. Also, a properly used Twister will make a woman grateful that you noticed and removed her (nonexistent) flaw. Then you begin weaving your tangled web of “Hi, I’m a movie producer.” Another good thing about Twisters is they do not have to be spoken aloud. Simply make eye contact with the girl, smile, wave, and then make a ‘Yo, wipe this off your face’ gesture. She’ll frown at you. Mouth the words Yo, you’ve got something on your face, then repeat the gesture. Then, if she follows your instructions, nod and give her a thumbs-up. If she gives you the finger, give it back and look elsewhere. Note that the nose is always a good target; you know from experience that you can be clean as a preacher’s sheets one minute and then have a snot-flake hanging out the next. 81


You can also simply make eye contact with a girl, scrutinize her for a moment, frown, then shrug and look away. A lot of girls will notice this and come over and say “Why are you looking at me like that?”, or some such. You then say “Sorry, you look just like a friend of mine…Hang on, you’ve got a spider on you…” Some brass-balled players will actually use the Twister to a needless extreme where the first thing they say to a woman is an insult: “Nice dress, I didn’t know you could make a dress out of a shower curtain.” This has been known to actually work, when it’s delivered in a tongue-in-cheek, ‘just f**kin’ with ya’ manner and a smile. Don’t blame me if you get a margarita thrown in your face, though.

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Small Talk (Made Larger) Ah, but were we from the planet Shaddup, where the people are exactly like us, except that they have no vocal cords. That way, we’d all have a complicated system of hand jive to deliver our messages of “You! The one with the Legs…” But on Earth we have to talk to women…well, not always; your humble servant recalls two liaisons when A. The girl was Spanish and I hadn’t learned the language yet, so I just laid a lip-lock on her and away we went, and B. The girl was drunker than (but much betterlooking than) W.C. Fields, grabbed me as I was coming out of a pub’s restroom and dragged me out to her car (where she courteously undressed both of us—before passing out!), but it must be remembered that these were two women in three decades. Now, after your greeting, introduction, and compliments, you’ll find your chosen love-goddess smiling up at you from the drink you’ve bought her. Her gleaming eyes promise untold nights of ecstasy…as do her full, moist lips, pursing around her straw. Her cascades of long, shining beautiful hair mesmerizes you, making you wonder how it’d look spread out over your pillows. Her substantial cleavage beckons with unspoken messages of “Never mind the eyes and the hair! Look down here! Yeah, this is where it’s at; two scoops of vanilla, comin’ up…” Time crawls by, and your love-goddess makes a subtle “Ahem!” sound, indicating you haven’t said anything to her beyond the compliment you made a few minutes ago. You suddenly realize this, and think of something to say. 83


Her eyes, lips, hair and cleavage continue battling for your attention, leaving you creatively bankrupt. Time keeps crawling by until she checks her watch, begins to look elsewhere, and you still can’t think of anything to say. Then, with a sudden burst of insight, you remember reading this book, and use a Revelation Question, helpfully included at no extra charge. These insidiously clever devices not only make you seem ‘deep’ and intelligent, they also reveal more about the woman, and/or subtly plant the seeds of a relationship in her mind. 1. “What do you like most about (where you live)?” This tells you a lot about where she’s from, what she’s into, where she’s going, But more importantly it makes her recall positive experiences, and subtly connects you with those experiences. Note that the question isn’t “What don’t you like about where you live.” You want her to think positive whenever she’s in your presence. After she gives a few examples, say “Go on.” She will…but don’t just smile and nod. Listen to her and remember what she tells you. After a while, she’ll probably ask you about your hometown, and you can start boasting about how you had to fight off rabid timber wolves on the way to school every day. 2. “If you could only have One wish that could only last forty minutes and you had to live with all the consequences of that wish, what would your one wish be? Ask the question, then watch her reaction very carefully. How quickly does she come up with the answer? This reveals how focused her vision of this wish is. How much enthusiasm does she express? This reveals quite a few things—like 84

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How badly she wants or goes after goals, how important consequences are to her, etc. If she says “I want to lie on a Hawaiian black-sand beach for forty minutes in perfect weather, completely undisturbed”, she’s pretty easy-going. (Ditto if she has no wish at all. If she says “I’ve got everything I want already”, it’s a statement of honor—jump ‘honor’ and stay ‘honor’!) If she says she wants to be President of “X” Corporation for forty minutes in order to embezzle a few million in stock options, or if she wants to have all her enemies ‘rubbed out’, she’s pretty goal-oriented. Play it by ear from there… 3. “If you could hang out with any three people—alive or dead, fictional or real, past or present—who would they be?” This question will give you a broad overview of her general knowledge, her values, her interests, her likes and dislikes. Most of all, it tells what characteristics she likes in people. 4. “Which do you like better, dogs or cats?” Tells you if she likes slaves or masters, and also hints that you’re a long-term type of guy. 5. “Where haven’t you gone yet that you’ve always wanted to go?” Beyond the obvious, this also plants the idea that you might be the one to take her there. Fiendishly clever, eh? 6. “What kind of music are you into?” This is useless ‘cause she’ll invariably say “I like all kinds of music.” Then when you put on a Motorhead CD, she’ll invariably tell you to ‘turn that horrid noise down’…but the question itself will 85


neatly plug any gap in a conversation. 7. “What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream?” Like question #1, this connects you with a positive experience and hints that you’re sensual. Whatever her answer, remember it! You’ll need to know it for later, hahaha… 8. “Who’s your favorite author?” Lets you know if she reads at all, also what genre, and thereby what she’s into. (And if she names any horror/suspense/science fiction authors, do me a favor and recommend Inhuman Resources and Clownwhite, by yer lad K.K. Every little bit helps, y’know.) 9. “If there was one way you could make the world better…besides beautifying it with your awesome looks, like you already have…what would it be?” Beyond being needlessly flattering, this once again puts her in a positive mindset as it is a notion of empowerment. It also clues you into her goals, and what’s important to her. 10. “What’s your political preference?” Lets you know her basic worldview; also something to kill time. 11. “If you had to maim a personal friend for money, would you A. Cut the ligaments at the backs of their knees, or B. Staple their ears together?” If she says you’re a twisted freak, good. If she says A. or B. with a nonchalant laugh, hang in there. If she says A. or B. with icy 86

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determination and anticipation and a twisted smile, look around for the helpful sign that says ‘exit’. 12. “What do you look for in a boyfriend/lover?” (Or) “What does a man have to do to make love to you?” Dangerous but worth the risk. A bit intrusive, but it signals her you want to be her boyfriend/lover, and lets you know her ‘ground rules’, so you don’t find them out by trial and error. Also hints that you’re eager to please…still, don’t let this be your first question. A girl once asked me point-blank “What do you like from a girl in bed?” Not thinking she’d even want to get in bed with me until a few more dates, I was so astounded I could only answer “That she doesn’t get out of it.” A few more safe topics for initial conversations are her favorite foods, films, animals, sports, et cetera. I try not to ask women about their jobs overmuch, as I want to her to stay positive, and few people think positively when they think about their work…except maybe Hugh Hefner. Try not to get heavily personal right away. By all means, feel free to babble on about whatever topic you think is safe and interesting, but to make her more interested in you, try to have a Tactical Conversation when you’re trying to snag a woman. Unlike a regular conversation, a Tactical Conversation includes the following:

A) B) C) D)

At least one compliment (and not ‘nice ass’, either) At least one clean joke that makes her laugh At least one Revelation Question One ‘suggestion’ that improves her life somehow (It could be anything from getting out of debt to taking more vitamin C to a shortcut to her workplace to a cool new band she might like, but

nothing about how to improve her looks or lose weight!) 87


E)

One ‘Self-Affirmation’ that makes you seem like a good catch; either how impressive your job is, or how you just lost 275 pounds, or any cool accomplishment you just made. (Pick one, and stop. Don’t overdo the bragging.) F) A hint about where you can usually be found (either where you work, or your favorite hangout) G) Closes with the statement “I’ve got to go, but I really enjoyed meeting you. If you’ll give me your number, I’d like to talk with you again sometime.” And break out the business card and pen. (If she refuses—which she shouldn’t if you’ve gotten this far--big deal, you’ve lost twenty minutes out of your spare time but you’ve saved a stack of cash on drinks, flowers, dinners, etc.) You might feel a bit awkward or annoyed at ‘interviews’…conversations where it seems like she’s only answering your questions. But actually, first conversations are naturally like this. Try not to go from question to question; instead, listen to her answer, concentrate on it and remember it, and strive to interject some personal anecdote…”So you’re into vampires…did you know that vampirism is actually caused by a rare blood disease called Porphyria, which makes its victims sensitive to sunlight and makes them sleep longer?” (And don’t ‘count’ her out…girls into vampires love to ‘neck’, ha bloody ha.)

Red Flags: These are mannerisms or statements she makes during a conversation that will signal you you’re probably better off looking for someone else. Note the word probably; nobody’s perfect and some women are very shy and take time to open up. However, if these mannerisms persist for a while, or she exhibits more than one, don’t say I didn’t warn you. She only responds to your questions, and doesn’t ask any of her 88

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own. She seems bored and/or restless, or yawns. She gives clipped answers while looking around aimlessly. She asks you to buy her more than two drinks without reciprocating. She scratches herself continuously. She keeps bringing up an old boyfriend or husband who was either God’s Gift to women (She’s still in love) or a despicable tormentor (She thinks all men are slime). She keeps bringing up a girlfriend that “You’d be perfect for”. Her wrists are bandaged, or her inner elbows are dotted with small puncture wounds. She offers to show you a good time for ‘X’ amount of dollars. She goes on and on about her sexual skills until you want to put condoms over your ears (I like oversexed women just fine, but when they advertise it to the Nth degree it can be a sign of All Talk No Action). She goes on and on about the endless horrors and tragedies of her personal life (See “Complexwoman” under High Maintenance Women). She says she’s separated from her husband (not divorced), or is getting a divorce (but is not yet legally divorced), or she ‘has his permission’ to play the field, or her husband ‘just doesn’t understand her’, or says he’s cheating on her and it’s ‘payback time’. She cheerfully mentions such cringe-inducing hobbies as harddrug use, devil worship, eco-terrorism, computer hacking, white supremacy or whatever else makes you say “Check, please.” Now, on the more positive side: if she has questions for you, pat yourself on the back, Galahad, you’re 1/4th of the way there. Be honest in all of your responses to her questions but one: “Why’d you break up with your last girlfriend?” (This is often disguised as “Why aren’t you already hooked up?” or “What happened with your last girlfriend?”) 89


This is a trick question because there is no right answer! If you’re critical of your last girlfriend, you come across as a misogynistic tyrant. If you praise your last girlfriend, they think you’re still infatuated with her. The only semi-right answer is “Oh, we had a lot of good times; it just didn’t work out.” And try to steer the conversation in another direction. “I don’t know about you, but I try to stay focused on my future, one in which I plan to be a millionaire next year…” And while you’re conversing with her, make sure to pay attention, listen to her, look into her eyes, and smile. My God, isn’t this easy?

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Target-Rich Environments By now you might have a reasonable idea of how to look and what to say, but don’t sit there on your couch scratching your ‘nads, thinking that women are going to do a house-to-house search for you. This rarely happens. Let’s get out and about. Hopefully your new hobby has a few female participants as well; if you’re taking karate, make sure your class is co-ed. It’s not difficult to locate women, unless you’re in prison, or Antarctica. Women are already around you. But a true ‘target-rich environment’ will be a place where women are ‘strutting their stuff’ and are expecting to be approached (the beach, singles bars/nightclubs, concerts, etc.). These are a good place to start, but don’t limit yourself to these places. You’ll also find that the places you’re in will automatically provide you with opening lines and subjects to talk about. “How do you like the band…I said, how do you like the band?!?!” I’ll keep dropping hints here and there. First of all, let’s discuss:

Your Workplace: Advantages: You’re already there; easy to get information (or at 1.

least rumors) on your chosen squeeze. Disadvantages: Read on. 91


This is the most natural place to start, since you’re there all the time…my current relationship is with a girl I’m working with…we’re at the same company, but in different departments. Because of that, few people even know we’re seeing each other. First of all, you have to use a bit of tact in the workplace, due to sexual harassment policies, which can be murky gray areas. Case in point: my current company is owned and managed by tyrannical, greedy, old-school crackers (just like yours), but staffed by young, dumb & full-of-fun slackers like myself. Being myself, I flirted like a ho with the girls on the staff (who would usually flirt right back), but I considered myself ‘bulletproof’ because I was courteous, always took no for an answer, and never threatened a female co-worker with her job. Then one sunny day I was pulled aside by a manager who said “Errr, look, somebody’s made a charge of harassment against you.” I was stunned. “Who was it?” “I’m not allowed to tell you.” “What’d I do?” “I’m not allowed to tell you that, either.” “So how do I know I harassed anybody?” “Just don’t do it again. Sign here.” I’d like to say this is a joke. It’s not. Apparently one of the girls had complained about feeling stressed; I momentarily massaged her shoulders, said “There ya go, hope ya feel better”, and walked away. She never said anything to me, even when I was doing it (although one would think an offended person would have said “Stop!”), but had later gone to the managers and said “My husband doesn’t even touch me that way.” When I finally found out who the girl was, I completely understood why her husband didn’t touch her that way. I didn’t understand how she was even able to get a husband. However, later she thought nothing of playfully smacking me on the ass with a work implement, and I said “Gotcha. You just harassed me. You drop your charge right now, or I’ll have one filed against you. And if I get 92

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fired, I’m suing the company for wrongful firing, and I’m suing you personally for defamation of character.” She attempted to drop her charge, and we both discovered that she couldn’t drop her charge, it was permanently part of my file! Not being particularly vindictive, I didn’t file a charge against her. I eventually transferred to another branch of the company, where I was able to start all over. All this, for momentarily rubbing an ugly girl’s shoulders in a good-natured attempt to relieve her stress. From now on, I just think Hands Off. Unless the girls—hell, even the guys—are bursting into flames and need to be stopped, dropped and rolled, it’s always Hands Off. I still flirt like a ho, I just don’t touch anyone. Sometimes companies can be intrusive anyway, especially those located in those Hyram N. Fyram ‘work-for-hire’ states. One of my last jobs had this policy: “Employee dating is highly discouraged. If it is found to be affecting performance, both employees can be terminated.” Well, excuuuuuse me. At a construction company, I was briefly in charge of hiring, and quietly instructed not to hire any female workers, regardless of their skill, simply because a female worker on an earlier job had two male workers fighting over her…with hatchets. Normally though, you only get friction when you and your girl work in the same department, or she’s your boss. The reason some companies frown on dating is simple: if and when you break up, you usually don’t want to see each other afterwards, so the company ends up losing you or her. If your company’s frowning at you and your girl, you and she can pretend you’re not dating, or you and she can hook up after one of you leaves the company. If you’re not in a work-for-hire state, you can stick to your guns and say “Try to fire us, see what happens!” Blam! You get fired, but Blam! Blam! You and your squeeze immediately fire back with the Mother of all Wrongful Firing Lawsuits, get so paid you never have to work again, and whisk your squeeze off 93


to Morocco where you can live on the beach for $5 a night for the rest of your slacker lives. Also, if you’re dating your boss, make sure you have a few shekels stashed away in the bank first. The good thing about office dating is that you’ll probably know a bit of information about each other already, and you’ll already have things in common to talk about (“You know Kupstis, in Marketing? Have you ever seen him drink a beer through his nose? It’s crazy, you gotta go out with us this Friday…”). To hook up at the workplace, be helpful. Hold the door for the ladies, ask if you can get them a cup of coffee, help them carry heavy things if they have to, say good morning and good night. Little things that don’t cut into your own productivity. Also be courteous, and when they’re wearing sleek outfits, tell ‘em they look lovely. Make sure your outfits out-class all the other guys, too. If you find yourself ‘stuck’ in an all-male department separate from the female employees, you can bridge the gap by coming up with ideas that get you into their departments: collect for charities, set up a corporate softball/bowling/darts team, invite them to a party, tell them you’re giving acting lessons, etc. Some ideas—like the old corporate softball team riff—can actually help your career too by increasing your visibility and giving you the appearance of a team player. Another good ploy, if you’re an extroverted ‘people person’, you’ve got a decent-looking crib with a cool stereo system is to become Partyman, and throw a cool bash around every holiday—or even invent a holiday if you have to (“OK, it’s Jimi Hendrix’s Birthday, everybody’s comin’ to my place…”), posting invitations Everywhere. If you have enough liquor, snacks and party favors you can charge admission, otherwise don’t. At one of my most memorable birthday jams—I think it was my 32nd—I had an improv group, Judas Priest Karaoke and all kinds of weirdness. I’d bought 9 cases of beer, a magnum of wine, and made a huge Cape Codder Punch. On the invites I put “No charge, but any donations or extra liquor is always 94

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appreciated.” So 35 of my friends show up, rock the house, drink their own drinks they brought, and the next day I had 9 cases of beer left over! I call everyone back—“Hey! Wanna come over and have some more beers?” “Groan—ahh, can’t make it, bra, I’m still all toasted…” One slight irritation I’ve gotten in the corporate world is the corporate ‘caste system’—certain lofty positions have an illusion of ‘status’, and some people in those positions don’t want to jeopardize their ‘image’ by dating someone ‘lesser’ than they…but I think that’s rubbish. If you’re well-groomed and articulate along with being helpful and courteous as above, you shouldn’t have anything to worry about. If anyone treats you as a ‘lesser’, forget ‘em. Good riddance to bad baggage. The Celestial Law of Karma decrees that these creatures will ultimately be banished to a specialized Hell where they’ll spend eternity circumcising elephants (low pay, but the tips are big, as I understand it…). 2. Co-ed Fitness Centers Advantages: Contains fit & healthy women (or at least women who are getting there); Allows for a ‘preview’ of their bods; Gets you in shape too. Disadvantages: Costs a bit of money; Some competition by Human Tanks like me. As part of your ‘007’ continuous self-improvement scheme, you should already belong to a gym, and it should be co-ed. If your gym isn’t co-ed, ditch it and join one that is co-ed, unless you’re still in Skeletor or Marlon Brando condition. Every co-ed gym will contain at least a few female members that are athletic, health-conscious and yummy. Even if a female member doesn’t look like Xena the Warrior Princess yet, don’t necessarily count her out. I once met a girl at a gym who was a bit er, wellrounded, but she was obviously determined not to remain that way, 95


since she was working out harder than me. Because she wasn’t a hard body at the moment, the other guys were ignoring her. But since I was impressed with her drive and dedication, I struck up a friendship with her that led to a lot of appreciative, hot, crazy sex…and over time, I got to see her exercise paying off, and her body becoming more and more attractive…a truly rare treat. Most women stick to the Nautilus machines and treadmills. So once your cologne’s on (hint, hint!) just jump on the treadmill or machine closest to the girl you want to meet. Give it a few minutes, and then suddenly ‘notice’ her and what she’s doing. Then: 1. “Oh! You wanna race, huh?” 2. “How many…of these…do I…have to do…to get in…as good…shape as you?” 3. “Beg your pardon, but how do I work this?” 4. “My dear girl, surely you don’t need this; it’s obvious your body’s a gold-plated temple already.” 5. “Would you do me a favor and spot me on the bench-press after this? I only bench 600, so you shouldn’t have any trouble.” 6. “You! The one with the Legs! Get me some water, now!” Oh, and don’t forget to actually exercise while you’re there.

2 – Nightclubs/Singles Bars Advantages: All kinds of toaster-hot babes in festive, partying moods. Disadvantages: Competition; alcohol-related complications; costs $$. Mom told me something about the quality of women I’d meet in bars, but I can’t remember what it was. Clubs will probably remain 96

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everyone’s favorite place to meet the opposite sex, and you’re under no obligation to drink. Note that if you go into a nightclub or bar by yourself, you will be effectively invisible to the opposite sex, and possibly everyone else except the bartender. That’s fine, though, if you want to get some good insights on human interaction. Merely go in, get cozy, have a soda or cup of coffee. Don’t stare at or eavesdrop on anyone in particular, just relax, discreetly listen and observe. (I once met a girl at a bar while I wasn’t even trying to meet anyone, I’d actually brought in a book, bought a beer and sat down to read. A girl came up and said “How come you’re reading in a bar?” I just said it was a good book, but that I’d gladly chat with her instead if she liked, and off we went). That ‘social invisibility’ described above only lasts until you start talking to someone besides a bartender or waitress. A lot of times I’ll just strike up a conversation with some guy who’s there on his own, and after a while he’d become my ‘wingman’ at the point we’d start hitting on women. The ‘wingman’ is most important for a nightclub, because women are rarely alone in clubs or bars; they will always have a ‘wingwoman’ with them (I’ve noticed with a bit of disdain, that some very attractive women will have a ‘contingency friend’ who is decidedly unattractive, and who is cruelly used by the attractive woman as a barrier, and/or an excuse: “Well, I’d love to dance with you, if you can find somebody to dance with Gretchen, too.” Or “Well, it’s been nice meeting you, but Gretchen’s going home, and she’s my ride.”). So you will need a wingman to intercept and/or converse with the wingwoman. Your wingman should be a friend, acquaintance or coworker who’s neither too boorish to cramp your style nor too slick to give you heavy competition. Female friends work too; a percentage of women at the club will assume you’re dating her, but you can clear that up…and if you go into a club with a woman, every other woman in the club will notice you. I don’t know why. Feel free to pick a club at random, but for optimum success, do a 97


bit of research first. Ask around at work or the gym what the local ‘hot-spots’ are, and/or listen to the radio for the best “ladies night” deal. It helps if the club doesn’t have a deafening noise level. If you want to meet women, get to the club early. If you want to pick up women, go there later when they’re all sloshed already. Sock a few bills away (and try to get at least $30 in singles, for the illusion of a thicker wallet, hahaha.), and eat a huge, bland meal before you go so you won’t have to buy that overpriced nightclub food. Put on the ‘vampire suit’ with the cool watch and good shoes. Don’t worry about looking overdressed; you can dress down from semi-formal to casual just by removing the tie and rolling up your sleeves, but you can’t dress up from casual to semi-formal unless you can conjure clothing out of the air. At the club, you & wingman/wingwoman should get a seat somewhere near the ladies’ room, where 90% of the women will have to pass you by at least twice (snicker, snicker). Make eye contact, smile, wave, say hello. Notice that you do not have to drink (Alcohol). If you do, I suggest vodka drinks as vodka doesn’t trash your breath as badly as other liquors. Make ‘em last; drink a glass of water between alcoholic drinks. If you’re wise you’ll draw the line at two; you probably won’t be slurring and vomiting unless you’re Edgar Allan Poe. Okay. Did you see her yet? Once you do, have the bartender or a waitress serve her a drink with your compliments. If she looks up at you, smile and wave to her, toast her. It’s no big deal. If she’s interested, or at least appreciative, she’ll wave back or (better still) come over to thank you. If she chugs it and spits an ice cube at you and all her friends laugh, write her off and praise the Lord you didn’t have to go any further. You do not have to use the bartender or waitress; by all means, approach her yourself (before somebody else does!) Find a natural time-space to approach her. Then: Hello/Opening Line/Compliment/Joke/Would You Care To Dance? 98

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Oh, by the way, you DO know how to dance, right? I don’t mean the Lambada, I mean that white-boy two step we all do. That’ll work for now, but eventually you’ll want to learn a few other steps. When you can dance with some degree of confidence, women rank that right up there with honesty and a sense of humor. When two or more women are dancing together or talking together at a table, don’t just barge in and interrupt. Wait for a chance. If they don’t give you one (usually frowning in your direction with assorted hair-tossing nods, but straining not to make eye contact), forget ‘em. Remember: Crash But Don’t Burn. The saying “Nobody’s Ugly At Two AM” is only true if everyone’s drunk. If you’re still around at closing time and sober, the odds of picking up a woman shift a bit higher in your favor, since the remaining girls are probably looking at you through wine-colored glasses. However, I suggest you focus on meeting women rather than picking up women. Picking up women is your right as an American, but it’s more difficult than simply meeting them, can carry health risks, and reduces romance to a cheap system of ‘scoring’. 2. Parties Don’t ‘crash’ them, but get invited to as many as you can. If there’s no dress code, show up a bit better-dressed than casual, as described in the Nightclubs section above. You can always ‘dress down’ once you’re there. Also, bring some token of appreciation for the host; I normally bring a bottle of champagne or some bags of snacks. Introduce yourself to everyone you don’t know, and start chattering away. For an icebreaker, crack some jokes, break out a magic trick, ask the girls if they need a drink or a refill, and/or how they met the host. Don’t drink too much, and concentrate on meeting women as opposed to picking them up. Your goal at any party should be to be cool and fun enough so that the other people you meet will want you to come to their parties. 99


The Beach Advantages: Plenty of babes with minimal clothing. Disadvantages: Seasonal; Nonexistent in landlocked states. 3.

Here, once again you have the advantage of seeing what your dream girl looks like with minimal clothing. It’s a good idea to get in shape before going, because any number of mega-muscled human battleships have made it their purpose in life to strut down the beach with washboard abs and girder-sized arms (again, you need not go to this extreme.) There are a few neat tricks you can use here: A. Get an ice chest full of cold drinks and put up a sign reading Free Cold Drinks For Hot Women (While They Last)! B. Set up a massage table with a sign reading Massages Only $1 Per Minute. (Find out beforehand if you need a license for this.) C. Get a Digital or Instamatic Camera and a sign reading Commemorative Photos. D. Make your “Blanket-spot” something out of the ordinary. On Hammonasset Beach in Connecticut there was a guy there every day out of every summer who brought everything with him—and I do mean everything; he had inflatable furniture, potted plants, a portable TV, barbecue grill, air-bed, you name it…and a rotating ‘harem’ with a minimum of five girls camped out at his private empire every day. E. Put out a Twister game mat. F. Bring a loaf of cheap bread and start feeding the gulls, calling them funny names and cracking jokes as you do it. G. Make a sand-sculpture; something out of the ordinary. While you’re about it, don’t forget to do some ‘patrolling’ of your 100

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own. That way you can say… 1. “’Scuze me, Miss, you might want to turn over, your back looks like it’s burning (when she turns over, say “Holy Catfish, gorgeous girls are Back!)” 2. “Hot enough for ya? I am.” 3. “Hi, I was just heading over to the snack bar…can I get you anything while I’m there?” 4. “Nice bikini…if that’s not a tattoo.” 5. “Would you like some more oil? I just happen to have some right here.” 6. “Excuse me, have you ever done any modeling?” Okay, you take it from there. Don’t forget to wear sunblock.

Her Workplace Advantages: Easy to find her most of the time. Disadvantages: Access to her can be problematic.

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A huge amount of women work in retail sales, so your nearest mall should be a target-rich environment. You have the added advantage that once you spot a woman at work, you’ll have a good idea where to find her later. It’s natural to hit on an attractive woman when you meet one, but when you meet her where she works, you should be discreet. She’s got to make a living too, so don’t jeopardize that. A ‘get-in-and-getout’ strategy works best here, and once again, always take no for an answer. Act casual & friendly, and use the store or the environment itself to make conversation…if you’re there to actually buy something too, politely ask her to demonstrate it or explain why you should buy it from her rather than a competitor. Otherwise, flatter flatter flatter flatter Flatter! Pile it up, pile it high, on the platter: “Is there a comment form for the store? I just have to tell the 101


management how damned great you are.” “How long have you been working in this position? A sharp woman like yourself should be in management.” “Well, don’t work too hard. I’ll stop in next week and have ‘em give you a raise.” “Tell you what, I’ll buy two of these if you have dinner with me next week.” Also, a lot of women in sales capacities can and will tease like tarts in an effort to sell you something, and then suddenly, mysteriously ‘lose interest’ once it’s been sold. For this reason I don’t try to avoid saleswomen, but I don’t mix their business with my pleasure, and I won’t waste her time or mine. I’ll just say something like “I’m sure it’s a great product, but I find you more interesting. Here’s my card in case you’d ever like to meet outside of work.” By the same token, there are some women working in stores that you feel you’d have no business in; Victoria’s Secret, for instance, or a woman’s shoe store. But should you find the hottest hottie of the hot working in Victoria’s Secret, there is a tactic you can use, if you can spare a few dollars. Walk in and start looking around rather sadly and wearily. When Her Royal Hotness asks if she can help you, ask if there’s a sale in the ‘plus’ sizes, or anything she’d suggest for a gift. Explain that your girlfriend mentioned that your ‘six month anniversary of dating’ is coming up soon, and she specifically wants something from Victoria’s Secret. “Wow, she remembers your ‘six month anniversary’?” Hottie says. “Ha! That’s nothing. She wanted something for our one-month anniversary, and our three-month anniversary, too.” You say, even more wearily. “And you got her what she wanted both times?” “I just want to be good to her, for the time we have left.” You say. “’Time we have left?’” She asks, now thinking your nonexistent girlfriend is dying. 102

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“Oh, well, she’s not dying or anything…but, ummm…(take a moment to indicate the ‘plus’ sizes in front of you) since we’ve met, she’s kind of let herself go, so I don’t feel all that attracted to her anymore…I figure I’ll get her this one last thing, then try to get her to slim down somehow, otherwise I’ll try to break it off gently…” Her Royal Hotness now thinks you’re an incurably romantic gentleman cruelly ‘whipped’ by a demanding, loveless Leviathan. You make a bit more small talk, remember her name, buy the plus-size item and leave. Two weeks later you return looking ten times better, enthusiastic and energetic, find Hotness, thank her for selling you that item, tell her you’ve broken up with Leviathan, and ask her out! Recently I met a sweet young thing working at a convenience store near one of my jobs. Needless to say, it became my stop of choice. I started out being polite and professional (a virtual necessity when you’re covered in drying concrete, and a pleasant surprise for her: she’s expecting me to snarl “Hey, bitch, you’re outta coffee! Put a new pot on, now!!!”) and gradually added greetings, compliments, jokes, questions, etc. Nothing so lengthy as to interrupt her work or get her in trouble. “You here again?! Why aren’t you in school, young lady?” “What?! I graduated High School three years ago!” (Hmmm…17+3=20=non-jailbait!) “Er, I meant college.” “With what, my good looks?” “Exactly! If I were you, in just a few months of exotic dancing, I’d have enough money for all four years! Just kidding. Let me have a cappuccino, will ya?” Gradually this friendly banter leads to a calm familiarity, where she practically expects me to ask her out.

Colleges. Advantages: A smorgasbord of women in their prime. Disadvantages: Possible distance/access barriers, competition.

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Probably the number-one target-rich environment for ladies in the bloom of non-jailbait youth, at least in terms of overall population (we assume it’s a co-ed school). You might already have seven degrees, or you might have never finished high school, but you don’t really have to be a student at the college to get in the mix: practically every college has its own library, gym, pool, bar, bookstore, cafeteria, what have you. Different sporting events are always going on, along with plays, political groups, service organizations, etc. I try to volunteer for student films here and there, just to add to my demo reel & meet actresses. You can always take courses if you’ve got the interest and/or cash. But for God’s sake, Don’t sign up for courses just to meet women, sign up because you want to learn the bloody course! Because unless you have psychic powers, you won’t know how many women will be in that particular course (Obviously a Drama course will have more female students than an Auto Mechanics course, though). The problem with co-ed colleges is that there’s heavy competition if you’re not a full-time student. If you meet a toaster-hot babe studying there, chances are any number of male students are already gunning for her, and they’re on campus almost all the time. If you are slightly older than college age, you may have a slight advantage because the ol’ MCD has shown that most girls want to date guys a bit older than they (normally anywhere from one to four years, although my current girlfriend is 22 and I’m 35…yeah, I know, shame on me). If you’re much older, but have an advanced degree and an insatiable sex drive, go ahead and teach college! You’ll probably have at least one nymph per class coming up to you with the classic line “Gee, Professor Lech, I really need a good grade in your class but I think your tests are really hard…” To which you reply with the classic line “Very well, Miss Goodbody, I expect to see you in my office after class. And if you really want a good grade, I expect to see all of you…” But whoever and wherever you are, there is probably a college 104

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campus somewhere near you, with something to get involved in, and a way to fit it into your schedule.

The Supermarket Advantages: There’s one near you, and you’ll have to go there

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anyway.

Disadvantages: None I can think of, besides their God-awful muzak. Unless a woman grows her own food, she’s gotta show up here sometime, and so do you. So when you go shopping, put your best foot forward as far as clothes and grooming are concerned; don’t show up like an unshaven lout in a Liquor Up Front/Poker In The Rear shirt. An advantage of the supermarket is that your “icebreakers” are all around you: “Excuse me…have you shopped here before? Good. Where do they keep the whipped cream? Strawberries? Champagne? Condoms?” (In a variation of this, load up your cart with every conceivable ‘romantic’ product the store has: champagne, whipped cream, strawberries, candles, baby oil…stock your cart with a huge, ridiculous amount of it, and then sloowwllyy prowl the rest of the store pretending to look for more, leaving your cart nearby any attractive woman so she can see you’re obviously God’s Gift To Women.) (As she inspects some product) “Excuse me…is that any good? I was going to try it, I just didn’t know which brand…” (At the check-out counter) “Tell you what, I’ve only got three items, and you’ve got seventy-five…why don’t you go ahead in front of me.” (Coming out of nowhere, and dropping some boxed spaghetti into her cart) “Don’t forget pasta, you need carbohydrates. Why don’t you pick us out a nice wine and I’ll be over around eight o’clock or 105


so…” “Hey, what do you eat to stay so slim? I have one slice of bread and I turn into the Great White Buffalo.”

The Laundromat Advantages: Helps your whites stay whiter, etc. Disadvantages: Not the most target-rich environment.

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Yeah, you could do your laundry at home, but if you can’t do it with a hot girl folding her panties next to you, why would you want to? Where possible, use the closest Laundromat to the aforementioned college. Use the ‘bachelor’ laundry method: gather all your clothes into one grotesque pile so it’ll take several loads to wash them all and you’ll be at the laundromat longer, through several ‘shifts’ of women. When you see a Hottie washing her dainty little underthings, pick a washer close by, then act like a confused, helpless barbarian, and ask her how much detergent to use, etc. Hopefully this’ll spark some dormant ‘mothering’ instinct in her. A few tactics: If you’re in great shape, and have a few bucks to bribe the proprietor with, you can really stun the young ladies by filling up the washer, then taking off most of the clothes you’re wearing (leave your clean boxer shorts on), and throw them into the washer too. Then kick back with the newspaper, and when the girls stare at you in shock, say “Lot of weather we’ve been having lately” or some such. (Anything legal that gets her attention is fair game in my book.) Another crazed idea is to get a folding table, some sparkling grape juice, cheese and crackers, and serve the girls while you’re waiting for your clothes to dry. Better yet, bring a portable dvd player and watch some sort of romantic comedy that’ll appeal to women. Hell, it’s a Laundromat, might as well liven it up. If you’re feeling generous, you can carry some extra change and offer to split a load with the ladies, or (my favorite) tell her you’ll pay 106

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for the washing if she folds your clothes. In some areas, a few Laundromats are now doubling as bars! Now what a great idea for a pickup joint. “While you’re waiting on the spin cycle, can I buy you a drink?”

Your Church Advantages: A great place to meet truly nice girls. Disadvantages: You can’t be as nasty as you wanna be (or

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normally are). You might think it strange, but 75% of all sexually active women ALSO go to church! (This might be because they’ve always got something new to confess!) And not to get all preachy, but I feel everyone should go to church anyway; I think you’d agree we could use a few more Samaritans and a few less serial killers. I haven’t included any ‘tactics’ here because it’s tacky to hit on women in church (unless it’s a satanic church, it probably happens all the time there—“So, these human sacrifices really take the incentive out of being a virgin, don’t you agree? What are you doing after the orgy? Care to have brunch?”) but you can meet them there, and churches usually have some sort of social programs for the parishioners, Christian singles mixers, that sort of thing. Be advised a woman you meet in church is probably not going to jump into the sack with you on the first date, but good things come to those who wait, so I’m told. One such good thing I was told about was a man who decided to ‘play by the rules’ and not have sex until he was married. The good thing he reported was that since he had

only one lover (his wife), he had no other lovers to compare his wife to. As such, the odds of him or his wife looking elsewhere are probably slim to nonexistent, and he claims his marriage gets better every year.

The Library Advantages: Great for meeting literate, intellectual women; slim 9.

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chance of being impoverished by having to buy women drinks. Disadvantages: Not the most target-rich environment. Although I’m sure women don’t go to libraries to get ‘checked out’ (Hahahaha—well, I thought it was funny), women do go to libraries…and so should you, if for no other reason to get some books on physical fitness, your new hobby, organizing your finances, and trying to find a better book on women than this one. Also, any library worth its salt should have compat disks, tapes, videos, dvds and cd-roms that they just lend you, for free! It’s amazing! Try it sometime. A good tactic here is to get a stack of books that makes you seem like a combination of Albert Einstein, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Warren Beatty, Donald Trump and Jesus Christ. For example, pick out Bruce Lee’s Tao of Jeet Kune Do (which says “I can kick ass”), Dr. Manuel Smith’s When I Say No, I Feel Guilty (which says “I’m sensitive”), Robert Chartham’s The Sensuous Couple (which says “I’m into pleasing women but it looks like I already have one, so you know I’m hot property”), Lee Haney’s Totalee Awesome Bodybuilding (which says “I’m gonna be huge” and/or “I’m health-conscious”) Robert Adam’s The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy (which says “I’m smart, but in a laid-back and fun way”). Then top that sack off with a book you actually want to read, unless it’s a war or horror novel. If your library doesn’t have any of the aforementioned books, it’s okay. Just get books that say something about you that she wants to hear. Classic literature, self-improvement (unless it’s ‘How to Stop Raping Women’, by Claude Balls), philosophy, health, financial strategies, environmental care, pet care, science texts, et cetera. Libraries have all kinds of reading areas scattered about. If you see your girl reading in one, sit down next to her like you don’t even realize she’s there. If she looks at you, smile and nod politely, then plunk down your stack of ‘prop’ books where she can read the titles, and start reading 108

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that book that you actually want to read. If she comments on what you’re reading—or why you’re reading it—say a friend recommended it to you, or you felt like it. Then immediately ask her about what she’s reading…Presto! Instant conversation! If she doesn’t say anything initially, ignore her and start reading. After two pages (a bit over a hundred-count), if she hasn’t looked at you or said anything, look at her and say… 1. “Hello…What are you reading?” 2. “Any good?” 3. “Hey, if you like (that author), you might like (other author—if you know one) or (imaginary author—invent a title and plot quick) or K.K.” 4. “This book sucks! (throwing book over your shoulder) Hey you—point me out a book I’d like.” If there are no toaster-hot babes in the reading areas but there

are some in line waiting to be checked out, don’t let them escape! Jump in line right behind them if you can, displaying your ‘prop’ books—or accidentally ‘stumble’ and drop your books all over the floor near her feet (If she helps you pick them up: Good catch. If she frowns at you with a “What a clod” expression: throw her back), using the same lines. If they don’t respond, just smile, nod, then jump out of the line saying “Whoa, I almost forgot to get the new Owl Going back novel…” and disappear again until someone else catches your eye. 11. The Shoe Store Advantages: There’s probably one near you; you can also buy shoes there. Disadvantages: A limited ‘time’ window of opportunity. The shoe store is a most underrated place to meet women…if it’s 109


a co-ed shoe store. The MCD of women cannot resist shoes. It is also a bit less ‘alienating’ than prowling a lingerie or dress shop. The only thing is, you’ve probably got twenty minutes to make your moves before the staff catches on that you’re not there to buy shoes, and asks you to take your own shoes out of there. One cool trick here is to go in wearing a clean, unwrinkled black or white Polo shirt, crisply-ironed khaki slacks, and good shoes…and impersonate a salesman! (I don’t know why—it might be my ‘Average American’ face—but people everywhere across the country routinely ask me “Excuse me, do you work here?” whenever I’m at any store. I just smile at them and say “Why, yes! The reason I’m wearing this Blue Oyster Cult tshirt is because it’s ‘Casual Wednesday’. How can I be of service?”) Since you’re dressed like the average retail worker, the illusion should not be too hard to pull off. When you see a good-looking woman, say “Size five, right?” She’ll probably say “No”; then you say, “Sorry, it’s my first day.” You’re not lying! It isn’t your first day at work, it’s your first day meeting women at this particular store! If she tells you her size, offer her a pair of shoes in that size. When she takes her shoes off, tell her how beautiful her feet are. Then nonchalantly sit down and try on a pair of shoes for yourself. When she finally clues in and says “You don’t even work here, do you?”, Say “No, I just appreciate good-looking feet. And like I said, yours are beautiful. Do you want to get a cup of coffee after this?” (Work fast, because you’ve probably got under a minute to win her over before she tells the manager “Excuse me, you’ve got some kind of weird undercover foot-fetishist here…”)

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The Singles Industry The singles industry seems to be doing boffo business these days, especially on the high & mighty Internet. I still get at least 5 unsolicited emails a day: “Are you single?” “Would you like to meet singles in your area?” “We’ve got a lot of singles you can meet.” “How about now? Are you single now?” I’m like, bloody hell, either send

some women over to my house, or sod off already! Now, not to denigrate the singles industry, but I suggest you leave it for a last resort. There is little that a dating service, website, personal ad or whatever can do for you that you can do for yourself, at no cost, just by keeping yourself out in public and keeping your eyes open. And the various services making up the industry care less about your success rate than they do about your credit card limit. Another recent web page I saw ironically had ads for both “Why are you still single? Click on ‘happymarriage.com’”, and “Find sexstarved housewives in your area on ‘hotwives.com’” On the other hand, these services can take some of the guesswork out of meeting others, since their members are obviously there to be met. And with some services, you can ‘screen out’ members until you meet your ‘best match’…for instance, on WWW.ALT.COM, their database is full of women who are bondage-ready, which spares you the time and effort of meeting a ‘typical’ girl and training her to ‘get into’ bondage. There are any numbers of singles’ functions: dances, cruises, tours, etc. A while back I got a flyer inviting me to a ‘Singles Dinner Club’, that met at the town’s more exclusive restaurants, but they also 111


charged a ludicrous fee, with the snobbish attitude that “Our fees ensure that no ‘riff-raff’ are included.” I think I wrote them back saying “Include me out then, ‘cause I’m the god of all riff-raff around these parts.” There is a fast-growing company called Great Expectations that has a pretty good scheme going (it’s good in theory, anyway). Here’s how it works. You pay the fee and join (It’s over $1000…not cheap, but that depends upon your income level. Personally I didn’t think their fees needed to be that high, but they might be doing that ‘exclude the riff-raff’ thing, or merely racing to the bank.) You’re photographed and given a video interview about what you look for in the opposite sex. You also write down a few paragraphs about yourself and your likes and dislikes. This information is put into a library that members can browse through whenever they get the urge. Afterwards, you can browse the library, check out the female members, and if you see one you like, you tell the staff. They send that member a postcard saying that somebody wants to meet them, and they come in and check out your file. If they’re agreeable, then you get their last name and phone number, and off you go. If they’re not agreeable, there are various responses they’ll use on the postcard to let you know: “Smoker”, “Too Far Away”, “I’ll Try You Later”, etc. This anonymity factor, and the fact that you need quite a few clams to sign up, is making Great Expectations popular with women. As such, the female members of GE are pretty well-off. Most are in their thirties or older, but a few were in their mid-twenties (You have to be at least 21 to join). Even though I try not to be wholly beauty-oriented, I found that a lot of the female members in Orlando made me cringe when I saw their videos and photos. Indeed, some were good-looking, but a truly Machiavellian gigolo would have rated most of the female members somewhere between ‘Average’ and ‘Scary’. And that is the Achilles’ Heel of Great Expectations, and also the entire Singles Industry: Really good-looking women don’t need to participate in the Singles Industry. There are always exceptions of course, and I found 112

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a few. But really good-looking women have guys falling at their feet; they don’t need Great Expectations, or anything else. The few that did use it were taking advantage of its screening process to find men who were psychologically/emotionally compatible with them, or had common interests and goals. (One thing I do thank GE for is one moment of sweet revenge I’ll never forget. I was supposed to meet an ex-girlfriend at a nightclub to try and patch things up, but she didn’t show. Having the number of a GE member, I called her and she agreed to meet me there. When we met, she made my ex-girlfriend look like a steamer trunk by comparison! We adjourned to another bar nearby for a nightcap, and what do you know, there sat my ex, looking overworked and overpaid, having a drink with some swarthy immigrant. I walked by arm-in-arm with the new girl, both of us dressed to kill, and gave my ex a friendly wave and a smug grin. Cold-busted, my ex’s jaw dropped and she turned nine shades of red. Wendy (The GE Girl) asked “Who was that?” “Some poor, heartbroken lush who can’t tell time…”) To their credit, Great Expectations is the most high-tech, top-ofthe-line dating service going, and by now there’s probably one near you. You do get visual information on eligible women beforehand (something you don’t get with telephone or newspaper personals), and some of the guesswork is taken out of the chase. Whether it’s worth the amount they charge is up for you to decide. For the more budget-conscious, your local newspaper probably has a Personal Ads section. Normally you can either place a personal ad or scope ‘em out and respond to the ones you like. To get the most for their buck, the advertisers will abbreviate everything they can, as in “SWF seeks S/DWM, NS, ND, for sweaty snuggling in a vat of hot Cheez Wiz.” Here’s how to decode most of ‘em: M=Male F=Female S=Single D=Divorced C=Christian J=Jewish A=Asian B=Black 113


H=Hispanic W=White P=Professional N/S=Non-smoker N/D=Non-Drinker D/D Free=Drug/Disease Free G=Gay Bi=Bisexual LTR=Long-term relationship FF=Full-figured (A PC term for ‘overweight’) I find these ads amusing to read, but I’ve never called any. If you’ve got a few bucks to spare it probably wouldn’t hurt to place an ad, and the correctly-worded ad will ensure that whoever responds will be into most of the things you are, and will be in a specific age/height/weight range. Another advantage is that if you’ve got some particular hang-up or fetish (dominance/submission, whatever), you can hook up with someone equally depraved. Hmmm…what the hell, for extra credit, cut out my personal ad below and pin it up in your local supermarket/library/college/gym/bank/whatever. Thanks!

James Bond Seeks Ms. Moneypenny SWM, 5’10”/170 lbs/ Brown Hair/Radiation Green Eyes, Writer/Actor/Comic, stunningly handsome, humorous and modest, seeks sleek, attractive, oversexed SF (age/race unimportant) into metal, movies, comedy, workouts and assorted mayhem, for possible long-term relationship or just wild nights of cold drinks in hot tubs. Long-haired redheads/British accents adored. No psychob----s, please. Contact K.K. via [email protected] Note that in your hometown paper, an ad this length could cost quite a few dollars, but the more information you give, the closer the responses will be towards the ‘type’ you’re looking for. Also, do realize that in their ads, everyone’s going to describe themselves as the greatest thing since sliced bread (if they describe themselves at all). Perhaps they are, but if that’s the case I can’t see 114

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why they’d want or need a personal ad. In any event, you’ll find out for yourself when you finally meet them. If you’ve got Internet access, a credit card and high hopes, you’ve got the theoretical ability to hook up all over the world. Here are some sites you can try: www.yahoo.com/personals used to be a free site (like virtually everything else on Yahoo) until the Yahoos at Yahoo finally said “D’OH! We could have been charging for this the whole time!!!” So now there’s a surcharge. Yahoo being what it is, this is a pretty big database, but it’s now charging more than-www.friendfinder.com (A huge database, but also rather ‘tame’…for basic introductions/pen pals, etc., although it does have some randy members. It’s also got sub-sites such as ‘Sportfriendfinder’ ‘Churchfriendfinder’, and sub-sites for individual languages (‘tagalogfriendfinder’, etc.). Friendfinder covers most of the civilized world, although there’s slim pickings in Afghanistan. Hmm… www.passion.com (Formerly Adultfriendfinder. The html tag www.adultfriendfinder.com should still work for it.) A sex-oriented adult introduction site, using the same format as Friendfinder. www.alt.com. The definitive ‘bdsm’ site; smart shopping for all you please-beat-me-if-I-fail-to-satisfy types, again with the same format as Friendfinder. On Alt.com though, you can sign up as interested in ‘Spanking’ ‘Knife Play’, ‘Nipple Torture’, ‘The Rack’, ‘Waxing’, etc. How the hell do I get out of here… These three sites offer a free BASIC service, in which you can upload a profile (a personal ad for the Internet, if you will) and photo, and will let you browse other members’ profiles and photos on a limited basis. Upgrading to ‘gold’ or ‘silver’ status (for a fee; monthly or semi-annually) lets you browse other member’s profiles on an unlimited basis and lets you directly email the other members. So as a basic member, you’re pretty much just a voyeur, unless a paying member finds you interesting. (Oddly, most of the young 115


ladies on these sites that find me interesting are all trying to get out of Russia. Hmm…) Some other sites include Lovehappens.com, nicecatch.com,

date.com, match.com, and tru.com. Go for it, if you’re so inclined, but do realize that on all these sites, the number of male members outnumber the female members by at least 20 to 1. God, we’re such horndogs. If you’re cheap (hey aren’t we all), there’s a relatively new and rapidly-growing database called Myspace.com which does not charge anything to meet its thousands of members. I’d jump on it now, before they start charging. And in the course of researching (nudge nudge, wink wink) these sites, I’ve developed a new theory: Objects on the Internet Are Larger Than They Appear. Just like personal ads, people present themselves as the best thing since sliced bread, so Caveat Emptor. For example, on NiceCatch.com, perhaps two-thirds of the female members have put ‘I’d rather not say’ in the ‘weight range’ category. My personal record in ‘cyberdating’ went something like this: on the various sites, I sent inquiries to around thirty women, and around eleven sent inquiries to me (three were Russian girls whom I couldn’t help). After all the chat and emailing, three actually met me in person for a date. Two of said dates went quite well, but afterwards I let my memberships expire and told my credit card companies not to renew any transactions (underline that last sentence). Since then I’ve taken my chances in the real world, where one cannot hide behind a computer screen. I noticed a lot of female members were only into ‘cybersex’, which is gaining vast popularity for something utterly nonsensical. There is no such thing as ‘cybersex’. There is such a thing called ‘masturbating in front of a computer’, but it’s still masturbation. Hell, why even go online for that? Just throw Deep Inside Tiffany Mynx into the VCR and go to town on yourself. There is a certain benefit to ‘cyberdating’, and that is if you’re going to visit another 116

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city or country. In that case, it may be worth it to set up a temporary membership with one of the sites (whichever has the most members of the place you’re going to visit) and start a dialogue with one of the female members before you set out. That way, instead of stepping off the plane and getting instantly lost like a clueless rube, you can have a hot ‘guide’ ready and waiting for you. Also, if you ever do decide to rescue a woman from Russia, the Internet is your oyster! Seriously, the Singles Industry is a viable option, but it is an Industry, so leave it for last, after you’ve exhausted all your other options. The bottom line is that if you stay ‘visible’, get out into the public eye and stay there, you’ll meet a lot more people and save a bit more money as well.

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Chrome In a perfect world, girls would flock to us solely on the basis of our intangible qualities: our intelligence, wisdom, compassion, loyalty, kindness, patience, etc. (During Rem sleep I visit this perfect world often. In it, I’ve got two Oscars, five bestsellers, a huge yacht, and I would have personally repaired the hole in the ozone layer, except of course on this world, there is no hole in the ozone layer.) But the real world isn’t perfect, and neither are we. So girls might not flock to us solely on the basis of our intangible qualities, simply because they’re not telepathic. Luckily, there is chrome. What’s chrome, you ask? Well, it’s just like it sounds: Flash. Glitter. Accessories, if you will, that don’t actually improve a product but make it seem desirable. Men use it as women use wonder-bras and high heels. You do not have to use chrome…I know guys who dress and act like winos, and they have pretty nice girlfriends. Accordingly, there is a small segment of the female population that sees right through chrome and/or despises it. Another definition for chrome might be: Things that don’t matter, but can help attract women initially. These are: Expensive (looking) watches (Rolexes, etc.) Alligator boots Chunky gold rings/chains 118

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Ownership of huge corporations Money clips (when they’ve got money in them) Sports Cars/Muscle Cars/Harleys Bulletproof vests Anything from “The Sharper Image” Magic Tricks Cute pets, esp. exotic ones (normally not snakes or lizards, though) Jet Skis/Cigarette Boats Demo tapes Huge muscles Gleaming teeth Badges/Uniforms A good singing voice “V.I.P.” passes and/or treatment at clubs/hotels/spas/etc. Guitars (along with the ability to play them) Athletic/Acrobatic/Contortionist ability Top-of-the-line clothes/hairstyles Awesome audio/video systems Ultramodern cellular phones that pick your teeth while you’re using ‘em T-shirts with humorous sayings (available at Hot Topic, Tshirthumor.com and Tshirthell.com, among others) …And I could go on and on, but I can already hear your mental accountant screaming “We’re maxed out as it is!” Relax. I know a lot of these are big-ticket items, but you don’t have to get them. Personally, I just use a couple of them in concert with each other: the boots, the gold watch, etc. A few things to keep in mind where chrome is concerned: 1. Make sure you want that item anyway, not just ‘cause you’re convinced it’s a babe-magnet. There are a lot of nifty little oddities I’ve bought just ‘cause I thought they were cool at the time (a wine119


colored silk vest with Bugs Bunny all over it, for instance…yeah, I know, I’m a freak), and while they weren’t necessarily babe-magnets, they conveyed a certain pride of ownership which turned up my charisma a bit. 2. Get the best price. I saw a silk shirt on The Strip in Las Vegas, which I thought was very nice; for a $160.00 it better have been nice! But I waited, and a few weeks later I saw it in a store farther away from The Strip for $65.00, and when I returned again later it had been marked down to $40.00 Then I bought it, and wore it to a club five minutes later. A girl said “Hey, nice shirt.” I said “Thanks—it oughta be nice, it’s a hundred and sixty bucks on the Strip…” You get the idea. You can get some pretty savage jewelry in pawn shops for a fraction of its original cost, and I find cool clothes in consignment shops all the time; it’s no crime. Obviously I don’t advertise where I got them, though. 3. Master the Item First. Your gold-plated Fender Stratocaster will impress no one if you only know how to play “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” on it. 4. Give it an Interesting History. To really use chrome, you should be able to use it as a conversation piece. Have something to say about it. If a girl notices your Rolex, tell her it saved you from a kraut bullet back in World War Two, or gave you a ‘forked penis’ voodoo curse, or something. Be creative, be amusing, be nonchalant, be quick or be dead. Use too much chrome, and you may find a small amount of women mistaking you for a millionaire, and leaving soon after they discover you’re not. Don’t sweat this. All you really need chrome for is an icebreaker…something to attract a girl initially so that she’ll find out all those wonderful intangible qualities that really should count in the first place. For the cheap, and/or morally lax among you, there is also 120

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Psychological Chrome. These are basically false behavior patterns that a certain percentage of women go nuts over. Perhaps it’s a ‘tainted past’, an air of mystery, a hint of danger…Also known as the Bad Boy Charade. For example, if you recall the film True Lies, Bill Paxton plays a character named Simon, a used-car salesman who pretends to be a secret agent to attract women. His shrewd ploy initially works on Jamie Lee Curtis, until her husband Arnold Schwarzenegger — a real secret agent--shows up with all guns blazing. In my humble opinion, this form of chrome is pathetic, needless and dishonest. First of all, if you’re ‘playing the outlaw’ instead of being one, most girls can see right through it. Secondly, if you’re luring women with the ‘promise’ of excitement and thrills…what thrills can you offer them within the law? In films, records and rap videos, we see hot women crawling all over thugs, ‘gangstas’ and bad boys. In reality, most thugs end up in jail, with a lot more boyfriends than girlfriends.

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Dating Made Easy (And Economical) One thing that confuses some guys is: once they have a girl’s phone number, when should they call her up and ask her out? How about as soon as possible? There’s some vague ‘rule’ that we’re supposed to ‘wait three days’ before calling, but I don’t know who came up with this. I call ‘em up right away, while they’re still fresh in my mind…and hopefully before some other guy does. (Because if I find a girl attractive, chances are another guy does, too.) Note: don’t call a girl up in the afternoon to go out that night, as it’ll make her feel like a ‘last-choice/around-the-way girl’. You should give a girl at least two days’ notice before a date, or at least one day. If you’re needing a date for tonight and you just met the girl, invite her somewhere else (preferably someplace classy) two or three days down the road, and then say: “Y’know, that’s great…but if you’re free tonight, I know something that’s going on that you might like…” There’s no law against asking a girl out on the same night you ask, it’s just a bit brash. But if you do call a girl to go out that night and she agrees, apparently you’ve made quite an impression on her. If you’ve had a good long conversation with Ms. Right (Now) before getting her phone number, you can just call her up, pitch an idea for a date, confirm the time and place, tell her you’ll see her then and hang up (and then slam-dance crazily around the room screaming Yesssss!!!). If you haven’t had a good long conversation yet—for example, if your first meeting was a brief encounter and you just got her phone 122

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number, spend a few minutes on the phone yakkin’ it up, breaking the ice, advertising yourself, etc. Then ask her out. If said woman is so awesome that the thought of talking to her dries out your brain, Stop before you pick up the phone. Write Down what you want to say to her, including the best compliment you can think of that suits her, a few innocent ‘revelation questions’, perhaps a few jokes, some current events of interests from the newspaper, etc. “Have you heard Israel was car-bombed again? Those deuced Palestinians…you’ve tried scrubbing, you’ve tried spraying…” In fact, you might as well tear off that ‘script’ and pin it up next to the phone, because it’s worth its weight in gold. It’ll kill any embarrassing ‘pregnant pauses’ in your conversation, and will give the illusion that you’re smart, charismatic, decisive, etc. (However, do file it away if and when she comes over to your house.) Since I’m just such a guy, here’s a free sample:

Ring! Her: Hello? Me: Top o’ the mornin’ to ya. May I speak with Samantha, please? Her: This is (she). Is this…(pause) K.K.? Me: No this is “Moist” Magazine, and we’ve selected you as our Magnificent Morsel of the Month. We’d like to do an, ahem, indepth-interview…can I ask you a few questions? Her: (Laughs) Yeah, go ahead. Me: Okay--and yeah, it is K.K., by the way. Hypothetical situation. It’s 2 am and you’re alone on the bad side of Orange Avenue ‘cause your car has broken down. Suddenly you find yourself surrounded by 127 crack-smoking gang-bangers. You A: Scream, B: Run, C: Hide, D: Fight. Her: (Pause) D. Fight. Me: Jolly good, excellent choice. Now then: what do you generally want a man to wear? Her: English Leather. Or nothing at all (Laughs; female friends 123


giggle in the background). No, really, I guess a T-shirt and jeans are okay…actually just jeans. Or whatever he wants. Me: Smashing. And your favorite food is? Her: (Long pause) Chicken Cordon Bleu. Me: Hangonaminute (Scribble scribble scribble). Very good. And your favorite drink is? Her: Champagne. Me: Right. (Scribble) Freixnet it is, then. And your favorite flavor of ice cream is? Her: Umm, Chocolate chip cookie dough. Me: (Scribble) Right. Now then, another hypothetical situation: Your latest flame comes home exhausted from work, saying that every muscle in his body has been destroyed. You A. Sympathize and massage him, B. Break out the bullwhip and say “I bet I can find one that isn’t”, C. Say “That’s nice, dear” and continue watching television, D. Say, “That’s nice, dear” and tackle him as usual to get your r.d.a. of hot sex. Her: Ummm--what were the options again? Me: (Repeats options) Her: Oh. A, Sympathize, but he better massage ME too, afterwards! Me: Got it. And now our final question: You’ve just been invited for chicken cordon bleu and champagne at Cocoa Beach this Saturday by K.K. After you accept, what do you wear? Her: (Laughs, pause) My white bikini. Me: That’s it? Your ‘white bikini’? Can you go into any detail about it? Her: (Pause) Well, it’s, ah (pause)—it’s white, and, ah, it’s cut high on the sides, and pushes up the breasts… Me: Right! That will be fine. Ten o’clock okay? That sample’s a bit risque’, but so am I. Just relax, be enthusiastic, fun but not too sleazy, and play it by ear. Face it, girls don’t give out their (right) phone numbers to guys they don’t want to go out with. 124

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You should have something in mind (and have the necessary funds in place) before asking a girl out. If you ask her what she wants to do, she’ll probably say “Whatever you want to do.” (Ha! Okay, Assume The Position!) or she might say “I’ve always wanted to eat at Windows on the World”, or whatever restaurant that makes your wallet scream like a torture victim. If you’ve met a girl who’s attractive and physically ‘hot’, but also gives you an odd vibe, like she may have some hidden ‘issues’ or problems, you may save yourself a bit of time and cash by offering a….

‘Pre-Date’ This is like a prerequisite to a regular date, but it’s a lot shorter and cheaper; basically a brief meeting over coffee. When suggesting a ‘pre-date’, I always say: (Answering machine message): “Hi, this is K.K., we met briefly at Maria’s party a few nights ago…I found you very intriguing, and I’d like to talk to you further…anyway I’m wildly busy for most of this week, but if you’d like to meet me at Starbuck’s this Saturday around noonish I’d like to buy you a cup of coffee and talk to you a bit more. If you can make it, I’ll see you there. If you can’t, then don’t, no hard feelings, I like their coffee anyway. My number’s (x) if you want to call me, otherwise I hope to see you Saturday, and I wish you well. Bye.”(Click). Now, over the two-buck cup of coffee I can get to know her a bit better and see if she’s worth pursuing further, or if she’s too problematic. This is much better than taking her to Windows on the World and spending a hundred bucks to find out essentially the same thing. After the ‘pre-date’ I can either ask her out on a better date, or shake her dust from my boots (if I’d come up with this tactic sooner, I would have saved enough money to purchase a small boat). If your phone conversation (or pre-date) went well, hopefully your conversation illuminated one or more of her interests; hopefully 125


one of them is mutual, or something you’ve always wanted to check out. If so, there you have it. (“You like live-action vampire roleplaying? Damn, that sounds…interesting.”)

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The Non-Date Also known as The ‘Booty Call.’ This borders on ‘loutish’ behavior, but as it has worked for me I thought I’d include it anyway. The ‘nondate’ came about during a certain period of my life when I worked at a fairly popular theatre attraction and most of the male performers actually had ‘groupies’. These girls wanted to get with us because of what we did and where we worked, not because of who we were. The feeling was kind of mutual, because the girls looked cute and fun but not necessarily anyone you’d want to take home to Mother. I’d get phone numbers, but they’d basically just sit there on my desk because I really didn’t want to date these girls. I wouldn’t have minded having sex with them, but the courtship leading up to it seemed more trouble than it was worth...plus, the theatre called for us to work all night, whereas most of the girls had normal day jobs. So one night I got a call from Girl X, and we start chatting amiably. She started getting personal, I started getting bored, and wondered how I could get her off the phone. So out of the blue I just said “Do you want to come over and have sex?” There was a pause, and I was expecting to hear “Well, I never!” or the phone hanging up. Instead, a moment later I heard “Ummm, okay. What do you want me to wear? Well, never mind, they won’t be on for long anyway…” I was actually stunned that she agreed; part of my brain was deriding me for being a cheap, arrogant sex-fiend; another part was just saying All-RIIIIGGHHTT! And still another part was discovering the fact that Women are just as sexual as we are. 127


She showed up, we had dinner, then sex, then she left. A good time was had by all…in some ways it was better than a regular date, where you’re jumping through hoops to entertain someone and you’re constantly wondering and second-guessing Does she like me? Will this go anywhere? Is she having a good time? We both knew what we wanted and got it. Strengthening my conviction that women are just as sexual as we are: the times women used this on me.

Ring! Click! Me.: “Hello?” Antoinette: “Ken! Hi, it’s Toni! How are you?” Me.: “Oh, Hi, Toni! Everything’s pretty good, really…I just got a new job AND I got a part in a play!” Antoinette: “Congratulations! Let’s celebrate! Why don’t you come over and fuck me?” Yeah, booty calls or non-dates are fun if you can pull them off. If you haven’t yet had sex with the girl you’re trying this on, you run the risk of scaring her off completely…but the chances are you weren’t planning on marrying her anyway, otherwise you would have gone the candy and flowers route. If a girl’s coming over to your place, it’d be a nice gesture to cook something for her, or maybe just serve dessert or wine. Give her a massage, if nothing else. If you’ve been summoned to a girl’s place, it’d be also nice for you to pick up a single rose and perhaps some beverages. However, if you’ve been summoned by a girl you barely know to a location you’ve never been to, go there at your own risk, knowing that you too can be ‘played’. Always use birth control & protection.

The First Date For a first date, MOVIES are good…hell, they were probably designed for it. If the sparks don’t fly, you’re out—what—twenty 128

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bucks? I would suggest a comedy, as opposed to a showing of “Blood Rape Of The Lust Ghouls”. Your Humble Servant cringes at the memory of losing the Heiress of the Hallmark Corporation by (apparently) grossing her out with a showing of Candyman 2: Farewell To The Flesh. But what the hell, I liked it. However, leave ample time before and after the film for some conversation, if you haven’t ‘predated’ your girl. A quick stop at Starbuck’s, or a nice mellow walk through a park afterwards will give you some time to get to know each other. Dinner is good as well; Dinner and a movie is even better. I don’t know about you, but a girl isn’t going out to a five-star restaurant on the first date with me anymore, unless she’s Playmate of the Year, and a recent year. Anecdote: I once took a girl to a very classy restaurant on the first date. The bill was over $100 for the two of us, but I’d won that much in a bar bet earlier, so I wasn’t overly concerned. We had a good dinner, wound up at my place, had animal sex, said goodnight…and then I couldn’t get her on the phone again! I scratched my head until I saw her downtown with another guy. Looking back on it now, the buffet at Pizza Hut would’ve worked…so now I play my cards a bit closer to my vest. Plus I’m convinced I can cook as well as anyone, for a lot less. It pays to have a ‘favorite’ restaurant, where you know the Maitre D’s name, and they know you. Try to get a ‘regular’ table, near a window or a romantic spot. A restaurant date gives you a bit of insight into your girl’s personality by observing how she treats the waiter. She can be sweet as a melon to you during the meal (she ought to be, since you’re paying), but if she has the waiter jump through hoops…”Is that lowfat/then hold this/extra that/put this on the side/what’s the holdup?/Where is it?!?/and bring me more of this/this isn’t spicy enough/This is too spicy/no, just cancel the whole thing/Get me the manager”…you may want to think twice about marrying this woman. At a restaurant, check yourself before you wreck yourself, too. 129


You might be a millionaire clone of Fabio, but if you eat like a barbarian, she might not think you’re worth it. So… 9 Want a good table? (You could probably care less, but women do) Make reservations, as “Doctor (your last name)”. Doctors get better tables; I don’t know why. If you didn’t make reservations, bring a ten-spot for the Maitre D. 9 If there’s a wait, be cool. Don’t bitch at the Maitre D or the wait staff. You might as well hang a huge I’m a Prick sign around your neck. 9 Pull out her chair for her, or at least let her sit first. 9 Don’t wear a hat or baseball cap at the table. 9 Don’t put your napkin around your neck, unless you’re in the Mafia. Set it on your lap or leave it where it is. 9 Don’t talk on your cell phone; set in on ‘pulse’ once you’re seated. 9 Suggest whatever you like, but not the least expensive dish. Don’t tell her what she can or can’t have, either. 9 Avoid soup as it gets everywhere and makes you ‘slurp’. 9 Don’t gobble huge, werewolf-sized hunks of food. If you do, at least try not to TALK while you eat them. 9 If you need to sneeze or belch, do it into your napkin. If you feel a fart coming on, try to go to the restroom, or at least get up and ‘aim’ it away from your table (“Wow, is that Jack Nicholson over there? Hang on a minute, I’ll be right back…” Braaaapppp!!!…”Guess not, looked like him, though…”) 9 In the restroom, if you ‘aim wrong’ and splash yourself noticeably, go to the sink and splash water on your hair, face and shirt, leaving a ‘trail’ down to the target area. Tell your date “Damn, they’ve got some high-powered faucets here.” Corny as it may sound, Bowling (and/or Billiards) is both economical and underrated. It’s relatively easy, noncompetitive (at the dating level, at least), fun, and there’s normally snacks, drinks 130

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and music available. I’ve yet to take a girl bowling and have a bad time. It’s not the most conducive prelude to sex, but we’re still talking a first date, here. Bowling & billiards are also good because…hmmm, how can I say this discreetly…I guess I can’t…you get to watch the girl bending over a lot. Where you go on your first date is obviously up to you. The rule of Caveat Emptor applies (let the buyer beware), but for all I know you’ve got ninety-seven grand stashed away. Personally, I would take Ms. Right out to dinner, and I would take Ms. Right Now to a movie, or just invite her over. (Though it’s 2005, it’s still considered a bit presumptive and/or sleazy to invite a girl over to your domicile as a first date, but a small percentage of women—around 17%--are all for it. A slightly larger percentage—perhaps 28%--don’t mind visiting your domicile afterwards, as long as you go somewhere else first, and charm the hell out of them). I’d suggest dressing to impress…maybe not a three-piece suit, but one of your better casual outfits. But first, let us address your mode of transportation…

Your Car: Auto (Or) Erotica Don’t feel disadvantaged if you don’t have a Porsche, a Limo, or the 12’ high Pickup from Hell. Your Humble Servant has managed quite nicely with a subcompact Volkswagen Fox for years. Unfortunately some women have received evil, fascist brainwashing which can make them choose lovers solely on the basis of the wheels. “Does he have a nice car…?” These women will unfortunately learn the error of their ways from experience. So if you can’t get a certain girl back on the phone after your first date in your Hyundai Hunchback, don’t sweat it; you’re better off. Cars that aren’t ‘babe magnets’ are actually more helpful as ‘self-cleaning ovens’. Despite what the advertising world tells you, all you should really need is a functioning car, and not even that, really. If you’re in a Metro area, you might be able to shuttle your girl around via mass 131


transit (she’ll be so spellbound by your words, style & grace that she’ll hardly notice she’s on a bus). If you’re in college, chances are that you can get by without a car here, too (I was). If she gets all snooty and demands to be chauffeured in a car, get all environmental on her: “Well, sure. Any intelligent being with a conscience would obviously use mass transit to lower the amount of pollution we’re spewing into the air…but hey, you’re obviously a woman who’s above such trivial concepts, and who am I to argue…let me rent a car so you can help us doom the world.” If you don’t have a car but have a driver’s license and a credit card, you can rent a car if you deem it necessary, but personally if I was renting a car just for a woman, said woman better have sparks shooting out of her nether regions… Let’s assume you have a functioning car. If it’s clean, doesn’t smell (or smoke) like a bomb crater and the engine doesn’t scream like the damned, use it and be satisfied with it. She should be, too. If your girl has a car better than yours (it happens), and yours is clanking pretty loudly and she lowers the passenger seat so she won’t be seen riding in it, either ditch her, or compromise: “Look, obviously you’re embarrassed to be seen in the car I have now. If you’d rather, you can drive for our other dates and I’ll pay for your gas.” It’s totally rational, and no woman on earth should have a problem with that. In fact, once you say something like that, most girls will say “No, I really (gulp) like your car”, and never mention it again. If you have a barely-functioning car, make sure it will function throughout your date, before you make the date. Flat tires happen, so make sure you have a spare ready. Most girls won’t mind chilling for the ten minutes or so it needs replacing. But if your car breaks down completely during your first date, you might as well kiss that girl goodbye.

Never buy a car on the assumption that it will get you ‘more’ or ‘better’ women! First of all, you’ll be doing 96% of all your womanmeeting outside of your car, where the women can’t see it. Secondly, 132

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a car cannot ‘get’ you women, it will merely transport them. Third, a cool car may attract women, but do you want them to be interested in your car, or you? If a woman has expensive tastes, it’s her option, but they might not stop with your car. Fourth, let’s assume you buy a Porsche (“For Men Who Enjoy Getting Handjobs From Women They Barely Know”). Cough up the cash. Make the payments. Cringe at your increased insurance costs. Burst into flames when you and your girl dance out of a restaurant to discover your precious hot-rod has been stolen (not to say other cars can’t be stolen, but if you’re a car thief, what’s going to bring in more money: the Porsche, or the Volkswagen Fox? If you said the Porsche, you’re right). There’s nothing wrong with having a ‘cool’ car, but ‘cool’ is in the eye of the beholder: some women like pickups, some like sports cars, some like Cadillacs, some could care less (and God bless ‘em). In any event, if you’re getting a ‘cool’ car anyway, it’s better to get a cool USED model than spending the extra umpteen-grand on a NEW model, ‘cause you’ll have a few extra shekels to spend on your Hottie. Whatever you drive, as long as it’s clean, smells, sounds and runs decent, you shouldn’t have a problem. Anyway, it’s not really WHAT your drive, it’s HOW you drive it. To illustrate this, let’s take a moment to descend into Hottie Hell… Here you are in your ’69 Impala (or whatever), King Of The Road, Master Of All You Survey. Congratulations! And now that you’ve got wheels, Betty Sue Angeldrawers has just agreed to go out on a date with you. Congratulations again! Stud that you are, you show up half an hour late after you buy/drink half of a six-pack of Bud Light Ice Dry Kingers. You lay rubber into her driveway, and honk the horn incessantly until she gets into the car. She’s almost inside it when you lay rubber again out of her driveway. As she struggles desperately with the seatbelt, you curse her out in Lithuanian for not trusting your Mario Andretti driving skills. She smiles politely and asks if you have a spare crash 133


helmet. You chuckle at her apparent joke and pop in a Slayer tape, cranking it to mask the machinegun sounds your engine is making, as well as to destroy any attempts at conversation. You offer her a beer; she declines. Not dreaming of wasting it, you drink it yourself. She lights a cigarette; you smack it out of her hands roaring about “No Smokin’ In Th’ Car!” Said cigarette falls to the floorboards, where it ignites all those McDonald’s/Burger King/Wendy’s food wrappers you’ve tried so hard to accumulate over the last few months. Betty Sue helpfully stomps out the flames with those long lean legs you’ve lusted after for so long. Pulling onto the highway, you spray spittle and obscenities at the Honda-driving cretin in front of you who dares to plod along at a spineless 75 miles per hour. Laying rubber around him, you play a fast game of “Chicken” with the eighteen-wheeler coming at you, win, and for a moment Betty Sue has been replaced by John Candy, dressed in a Halloween devil suit with a plastic pitchfork, laughing his generous ass off. Then Mr. Candy is suddenly Betty Sue once more (isn’t that a relief!). You hurl a consolation prize—an empty Bud Light Ice Dry Kinger can—at the receding truck. As you hit 90 miles an hour, your car now sounds like an audio remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, complete with Betty Sue’s musical screams. A driver cuts you off (How? How?); you loudly promise him a no-Vaseline enema courtesy of your right fist. Laying rubber one mo’ time, you take a ‘shortcut’ given to you by your aunt’s best friend’s sister’s son, take a left, take a right, take a right, take a left, then ask yourself where the hell you are. Manly man that you are, you keep going, asking no one for directions, including Betty Sue. At the large billboard that says Welcome To Alabama you concede you may have made a slight miscalculation, and screech into a gas station to ask directions. You are swiftly re-routed back on track, with a fresh six-pack of Bud Light Ice Dry Kingers. A few miles from the promised restaurant, you blow a tire. You fix it after a fair amount of screaming at Betty Sue to hand you the wrench, the Goddamn wrench, the F*#king Wrench!!! Some time later, you arrive at the restaurant. 134

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Betty Sue excuses herself to use the restroom. She is never seen again, at least by you. And now, strangely, every woman in a five-mile radius of your hometown shudders at the mention of your name. What’s wrong with this picture? Oh, go ahead, read it again… For bonus points, clean your car before taking her out. Yes, that includes the inside. You’d also be well advised to stock a variety of ‘cruising’ tapes or CDs beside Andrew Dice Clay or Megadeth. For another bonus, open the door for her! And while you’re driving with her in the car, you might want to let a ‘kinder, gentler’ version of yourself take the wheel: a version who brakes for pedestrians, lets others go ahead of you and doesn’t scream obscenities at other drivers, morons though they may be. Once a girl took me out on a date I can’t forget. Not only that, but I was embarrassed that I hadn’t thought of the idea first. She drove us into a rural section of Lake Buena Vista, then went down a dirt road into a thick section of forest. For a moment I thought what is this, a kidnap? Are we going to meet her drug

connection, or what? She got out of the car, and told me to sit tight for a few minutes. It was around midnight. A few minutes later, I heard her voice calling to me from off the road, telling me to follow her voice, and the music. Sure enough, Harry Connick Junior was playing from somewhere. I got out and followed the sounds, until I could see a light. Walking into a clearing, there she was, on a thick blanket spread next to a bonfire. The music was coming from a portable boombox. She had spread out bowls of strawberries, chocolates, finger sandwiches, and had a bottle of champagne. Equally delightful was the leopard-print negligee she was now wearing (Thanks, Shanna)! 135


While I’m about it, here are some…

Dating Do’s And Don’ts Do be on time, get directions to her house (if you’ve got internet access, you can find virtually any address by using Mapquest.com), keep her phone number handy, allow for traffic and contingencies. Do make sure that you and your car are clean. Do tell her she looks nice, ‘cause she will. Do resurrect your manners, hold the door for her, pull out her chair, etc. Do pick up the check (Don’t ‘offer’ to pay for everything, just pay for everything, for now.) Do keep your first date within 50 miles of her house. Do keep a condom handy just in case (but you already knew that, right?). Do smile, be upbeat, make eye contact, listen to her.

Don’t show up empty-handed (I never do). Bring her a single rose, small stuffed animal, bottle of wine or a small box of sweets. This screams Class and puts you light-years ahead of your competitors. Don’t bring her to a party where you know everyone and she doesn’t. She’ll be nervous as hell. Don’t leave her unattended for any longer than necessary. Don’t eat (at a restaurant) like you normally do at home…don’t slurp, or talk with your mouth open, or fork something that looks good off of your date’s plate. Don’t act like any amount you spend on her entitles you to sleep with her (The first rule of Economical Dating). Don’t remind her how expensive everything was. Don’t deliberately get her drunk. She might become a sexual wildcat, but she might also start fights, puke in your car, pass out during sex, etc. If she’s hellbent on drinking, buy her a round, then 136

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let her pay her own way. Don’t put up with a clearly obnoxious, problematic or golddigging date (sometimes I’ve had to turn the car around within ten minutes of picking her up!). Don’t fall for the old “Let’s meet some friends of mine at this club” line, especially after you’ve spent your whole wad. This is known as a BBO (Big Blow-Off). Just say “I’ll drop you off there.” The key words to remember on the first date are: Relax (The more relaxed you are, the more relaxed she’ll be). Be Yourself, and Expect Nothing but a good time. You should have a good time if you are relaxed, being yourself, and are in the company of a good woman. Since you’ll be out of jokes and compliments within an hour, I recommend the use of Subtle Boasting. It’s not lying, and when used sparingly you don’t come off as egocentric. Moreover, the girl wants to think she’s found hot property, so you’d best advertise yourself somehow. Why the hell not? Isn’t it better than griping about how bad your job is or how dysfunctional your family is? Whatever your personal problems are, don’t reveal them on a first date, unless it’s something really obvious like a third eye. In fact, don’t reveal them at all; she’ll find them out for herself later (or hopefully she won’t!). Boast, man. Go for it. I brag like Popeye when I’m out on a date. The key, of course, is subtlety. Don’t bombard her with your psychic powers and ability to catch bullets in your teeth. When a topic comes up, put a little spin control on it: “Yeah, I was driving down that same highway when it hit me: an invention that makes all the slow drivers speed up automatically! Of course, it’s being patented now, so I can’t go into detail about it…” Rest assured, she will ask you about what you do for a living. If you feel you’re currently in a position that’s beneath you, don’t sweat it. First tell her what your ambition is, then explain what’s currently 137


paying the bills. I always say “I’m a writer/actor, I’ve got a couple of books out, but I haven’t given up the day job; the insurance is too good.” No woman has ever said “Well, when you’re a full-time writer, call me back.” In fact, after that they normally don’t even care about the day job, they just want to know what I’ve written. No matter what you do, there’s got to be something interesting about the way it impacts the rest of the world…and everything does impact the rest of the world; all you have to do is break it down into layman’s terms (“I go through enough copper at the recycling plant to coat the Great Wall of China”). Say it with pride. Note: Do Not Lie. Brag all you want, embellish what you do, by all means, but Don’t Lie. It will come back to haunt you. Also, do not have an ‘I’ problem, as in starting every sentence with “I do this, I do that, I think--, I know--, I was--”, et cetera. In fact, if you catch yourself making two or more “I” statements in a row, immediately check yourself and turn the topic back to her. Don’t forget to ask about her, what she does, what she likes to do, her plans for the future, whatever you can get out of her without getting too personal. Obviously she’ll chrome-plate her own career as much as you do, so make sure to be impressed with whatever she does. If it helps any, try… **** Optional Exercise #3:

The Actor At Work. It’s easy. In your car or your living room, wherever you have privacy, Act out your date before you go on it. Pretend the living room is the restaurant or movie theatre or whatever, and start a conversation with thin air. Ask all the questions you’re going to ask, tell all the jokes you’re going to tell. Visualize her smiling back at you. This way you won’t be 138

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at a loss for something to say, and your roommates should get a chuckle out of it, too. **** The end of a first date can seem a bit awkward…if you’re a sleazy, oversexed frat boy looking to rip her panties off right off the bat. I hope you’re not, so does she, so does God and the rest of the world. All you really need to do is get her home safely, so do that. While you’re doing that, mentally judge the evening for yourself and ask whether you want to see this girl again…in essence, is this girl worthy of another date? I use the term worthy because a date is a gift of your time, attention and resources. Personally, if I’ve truly gotten to know the girl, but I don’t feel a connection—a ‘spark’, if you will—I don’t offer a rematch, I just say “It was nice meeting you, thanks for coming out, have a good night.” On the other hand, if you had a good time with the girl, and want to see her again, tell her you had a good time, and that you’d like to see her again. Check her reaction to those statements, and you’ll know how to proceed from there. If she says she’s had a good time and wants to do it again, makes no move to get out of the car, is rubbing your arm and gazing into your eyes, then yep, it’s makeout time. If she’s not making any eye contact, is hunched all the way over next to the passenger door, and/or says something like “Yeahright…ummm, this is close enough to my place, I’ll get out here.” That’s probably not makeout time. Sex on the first date does happen from time to time; it depends on the girl, the time, and you. Don’t expect it to happen…once again, don’t expect anything; a date where you had a good time is an end in itself. A good long kiss good night will let her know you’re both heterosexual, and interested. Before kissing her—or trying to—take a moment to pop a mint 139


or some gum and give it a few minutes to work on your breath. Take another moment to check a mirror, making sure you don’t have anything on your face that would make her back off. It was once considered bad form to ask for a kiss, but what the hell, I’ve asked, and gotten one every time I’ve asked. It’s much better than being ‘kiss-dissed’, where you go for a kiss and she turns her head away at the last minute, like you’re infectious or something. Being kiss-dissed happens to every guy at least once, I’m sure, and I’m also sure most of those guys would rather have been whacked in the balls with a sack of oranges than to endure that particular embarrassment. I’ve found one way around it; whisper ‘I had a good time’ in her ear, kiss her on the cheek, and if she doesn’t cringe from that, I just slide my mouth around to the front for a genuine liplock. Or I’ll give her a hug, which will put our bodies at the same level, and I can feel if she’s relaxed or uncomfortable. If she’s uncomfortable, I’ll obviously let go. If not, I can proceed as above from an initial kiss on her neck or cheek. Another shrewd ploy is to move towards her like you’re considering you’re going to kiss her, look at her closely, frown and draw back. Then you say, “Ummm, you’ve got something on your face.” When she says “What?” you say “Me!” and kiss her. Read her signals and play it by ear. Personally, on the first date, I’ll start with a kiss and (try to) stop before heavy petting. Note: you’ll come off as a Sex-God if you say “Okay, that’s enough for now” before she does. If you’re getting hot and heavy on the first date, it’s a bit better to offer to go further (something like “would you like breakfast in bed?”) and see what happens. That way you’ll have a green light and you won’t have to hear “Stop!” when you’re about to unhook her bra. That’s embarrassing. (In fact, if you’re in a certain college and dating a girl from that same college, you can even be expelled or charged with date-rape if you don’t ask for and receive confirmation that she really does want to have sex. Check your school codes: colleges are getting more sexually fascist all the time.) 140

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We’ll get into further detail on bra-unhooking later. If you want to see the girl again, tell her. If you don’t, just bail—don’t say “I’ll call you” or “I’ll see you later”, because you obviously won’t. Something like “Take it easy/Have a good night” works better. Honesty really is the best policy. Sometimes the girl will be ecstatically interested in you, but you find yourself less than ecstatic about her…hmmmmm. I don’t know what to tell you. Yeah, you could use her to “score”, bail afterwards and choose to never see her again…but: you will add yet another soldier to the ever-growing Army of Women Who Think Men Are Pigs. Optionally, since you didn’t take the time to get to know her, you may pick up a case of the Gift That Keeps On Giving (venereal disease). You may also inadvertently create that most prized of women, the Stalker! In this case, prepare yourself for “Why haven’t you called me?! You said you loved me! Since you told me where you worked, I’ll be there every day after work until you realize what love really is!!!” (Phone call #1 out of 4,963.) Oh, but hey, don’t let me dissuade you, just get her legs in the air, and wave ‘em like you just don’t care. Personally, I sleep better saying “Wish you the best.” On other occasions…which are thankfully rare…you may have a first date which goes quite well, in which she seems in rapture to be out with you and hangs on your every word, a first date which may or may not include a makeout session and/or sex (at your place, or in the car). After the first date, you find yourself climbin’ that golden ladder of love, until you realize you can’t get her real phone number (because she asked you to reach her through ‘a friend’, for this or that reason) and you can’t find her real address (because instead of picking her up at her apartment, she asked you to meet her at your date location, for this or that reason), and she isn’t calling you back. This angers you because you re-play the date in your mind, wondering where you slipped up, wondering what you did to offend her, and you realize you didn’t slip up or offend her. On these occasions, you’ve unfortunately been had by the First 141


Date Girl. These twisted creatures already have boyfriends (or sometimes even husbands), but they ‘miss the attention they got on their first date’. So they’ll pretend that they’re single to get a First Date out of a guy, get a free movie/dinner/cocktail, get their egos cranked (and possibly their ashes hauled), and go home to their apparently boring relationship. If it’s any consolation, you might see these ‘women’ again on Jerry Springer, or on Cops as the human target of a domestic battering. In any event, you’re better off without them. Most of you already know what you like and where you want to take your women. God bless ya. If for any reason you find yourself creatively bankrupt, I humbly offer: K.K.’s Prearranged Romance It goes like this: 1. The Pre-date, or The Movie, with cocktails for two on the way back. 2. The Restaurant, and a cool conversation-walk through a scenic area afterwards. 3. Lunch at the Beach, or a park. 4. The Comedy Club, followed by a breast-heating tease session from Your Humble Servant. 5. Dinner at my place, followed by chocolate-covered strawberries, champagne, the sauna, a massage, followed by Oh God Yes Don’t Stop. 6. The rock concert, followed by Oh God Yes Don’t Stop. 7. Bowling, followed by Oh God Yes Don’t Stop. 8. The ‘Genteel’ Date, where we visit an art gallery, museum, poetry reading, or something all cultured ‘n classy. 9. The ‘Modeling’ Date, where I get her all dressed up, take her outdoors to some scenic location, and tell her “Work it, girl!” 10. The Charity Date, where we jointly actually do something nice for somebody else (visit a rest home, give blood, do volunteer 142

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work), ending with date #5. 11. “Pause” the romance; end date #10 by telling her “Call me when you want us to go out again.” Goodnight kiss; No sex. If she asks why, I say “Do you think the sexes are equal?” (90% of the time she’ll fervently agree.) If so, I say “Great, then I’d appreciate it if you took us out next time.” If she protests, the romance goes from “Pause” to “Eject”. If she agrees, continue to 12: 12. Repeat dates 1-10, alternating with plays, museums, theme parks, whatever, leaving out the ‘tease session’ as it’s no longer needed. (Note that Oh God Yes Don’t Stop doesn’t have to occur on the 5th date; it’s happened sooner, but as all our courts of law would agree, sex will occur at her option--It definitely helps when you have a sauna, though!—if she doesn’t want it to occur, she’ll probably give you some sort of ‘Dear John’ speech after the second date.) Now, as we’ve already discussed, “Nice Guys” finish last. They finish last because women initially find them ‘nice’ in a ‘useful’ way while they’re getting to know them (especially when they’re cranking out expensive restaurant dates), but then find them predictable, boring, and ‘not a challenge’ soon afterwards and kick ‘em into the “Ex Files”. If you’ve taken all the advice included thus far, you should qualify as a Good Man, not a ‘Nice Guy’, and you’ve begun to notice the distinction. Some women, unfortunately, can’t or won’t notice the distinction. They automatically see anyone who doesn’t act like a Lout is a ‘Nice Guy’. Say you’ve got one of these women, and still want to hang onto her. How can you be mostly suave, charming, decent, etc. without being kicked to the curb like the typical ‘Nice guy’? By using something I call…

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Monkey Wrenches These are based on the saying “Everything was fine until somebody threw a Monkey Wrench into my plans.” These are only to be used on women that are good in most other ways, but can’t or won’t appreciate a good man…as such, I trust you never have to use them. A hellaciously popular dating guide for women called The Rules paints the entire male sex as ‘needing challenge’. Through my own ‘trial and error’ dating period, I discovered that a lot of women thrive on challenge just as much. In some weird masochistic way, they need mysteries, missions, crusades, and problems to solve. On several occasions, I’ve been dumped by girls who—ostensibly due to horrible previous relationships—thought I was too good to them and got ‘nervous’, like all of my charm made them think I was some kind of vampire ready to bite them as soon as their guard was down. So as much as I hated to do it, I invented Monkey Wrenches. Monkey Wrenches are basically deliberate mistakes. They can be just about anything: misstatements, pratfalls, criticisms, harsh language, off-color jokes or practical jokes, belches, inappropriate clothing, or behaviors bordering on rude and/or sleazy. They can also be strange little dramas, mood swings or emergencies that come up out of nowhere. Some of you may ask “Well what’s the difference between using ‘Monkey Wrenches’ and acting like a Lout? My reply is that Louts use nothing but Monkey Wrenches, all the time. Used correctly…and sparingly…Monkey Wrenches won’t turn a woman off completely (they will knock her for a loop when you do them), but they will baffle a woman. They’ll think “Damn, he was so nice up until now, why’d he do that?” They become your personal Flaw That Needs Fixing, and it becomes her Crusade to be just the girl to fix it. Since I used the words ‘correctly’ and ‘sparingly’, there are rules 144

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to be applied to Monkey Wrenches: 1. No Monkey Wrenches On The First Date. On the first date, you are to be James Bond at all times. 2. Only One Monkey Wrench per date. Otherwise she really will think “God, what a jerk, he’s history.” I make sure to only use Monkey Wrenches every other date, because Murphy’s out there. Accidents can happen, and when they do, the whole date (and her perception of me) can be ruined, just because I used a Monkey Wrench and then had some kind of accident that seemed like another Monkey Wrench. 3. No Monkey Wrenches that threaten her well-being. For example, pretending to drive drunk is one lousy Monkey Wrench. Actually driving drunk is just damned stupid. 4. No Monkey Wrenches that break the Commandments, or the law. (That kind of goes without saying).

Every Monkey Wrench should be ‘countered’ by some cool word or deed afterwards. (Compliment, praise, small gift, favor, 5.

etc.) 6. No avalanche of apologies after using a Monkey Wrench. You can nonchalantly say “Sorry” in the shallow, perfunctory way most people do, or say “Beg your pardon”, and then shrug. But don’t overdo it; it’s really just a gag anyway, and it’s not like you set her face on fire and beat out the flames with a golf shoe. (In fact, the correct thing to do is downplay it, with a retort of “What, did the Seventh Seal of the Apocalypse break or something? I don’t think so. Get over it.”) Apologizing a thousand times over stamps WUSS on your forehead. 145


7. Monkey Wrenches have to be used near the end of the date, after she’s gotten a dose of your White-Knight charisma. Use a Monkey Wrench right away, and you can effectively spoil the mood of the date, spend the rest of the evening trying to ‘win her back’, and end up not having any fun yourself. To get into some specific examples: Cellular Phones are practically cornucopias of rudeness, ready at a moment’s notice. Unfortunately they’re so commonplace now that you can rudely use a cell phone on a date and your girl probably won’t even notice…She might even beat you to the punch with her cell phone. Case in point: I was on a date with a very pretty girl I’d met at work. Everything was fine, and we were deep in conversation, when her cell-phone rang. Immediately she flipped it open and started chattering away; no “Excuse me, I really have to take this call”, nor did she tell the caller “I’m on a date right now, I’ll have to call you back.” So I immediately left the table, and actually started hitting on the waitress a few yards away…my ‘date’ didn’t even notice, or mention anything about it afterwards, so that was my last date with her. Another potential Monkey Wrench to use in this situation would be to become Mr. Freeze during and after her call, glare at her until she notices, then say “Do you have the faintest clue how fucking rude it is to talk to somebody else on a cell phone when you’re in the middle of a conversation with somebody else? I guess not. Why don’t I leave you here, and you can make phone calls all night?” An even heavier Monkey Wrench would be to snatch the phone right out of her hands, tell the caller “Kristen’s busy right now, she’ll have to call you back later.” And then read her the riot act written above. Then leave, since you probably won’t have much of a good time after that. Let her try to get back in your good graces afterwards. Here are few more Monkey Wrenches: 146

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1. When kissing her good night—after a lot of long, deep, hot passionate kisses—suddenly clamp your mouth over her nose and exhale into it really hard. Release her as she gasps and chokes, roaring with moronic laughter. When she glares at you as if to say “What the F**K?!”, smile disarmingly at her and say “What? You didn’t like it? Hey, I don’t do that for just anyone, you know.” OR act insulted yourself, put on some fake accent and say “I beg your pardon, but in my country, that is an honor. It means you are worth many goats.” 2. While in the car on the way back from a date, play your favorite tape or CD. Let it play at low/medium volume. When she starts talking, let her talk for a minute, then say “I’m sorry, would you mind being quiet until this song is over? It’s my favorite song.” (Asking a girl to ‘be quiet’—however politely—is slightly like slapping her in the face with a palm full of spit.) Don’t ask for a goodnight kiss after this one; just park near her place and say “Here ya go! Have a good one.” 3. While at a restaurant date, if your waitress is attractive, brazenly ask the waitress (let’s call her Suzy): “Excuse me, Suzy, I’m just curious…do you find us attractive? Because we find you attractive, if you know what I mean.” After Suzy flees in panic and your date’s jaw drops onto the table, nonchalantly ask her “What’s the matter? Didn’t you see those luscious tits? Didn’t you just want to bury your whole face in them while I eat you out at the same time? Well, don’t worry about it right now, just keep it in mind…” And go back to reading the menu. “Speaking of eating, I hear the pot roast is great here…” 4. Along the same lines, ask a hot female co-worker or ‘friendgirl’ if she wants to make $20 the easy way. Tell her where you’re taking your new girl, ask her to dress like the hottest ho in the 147


world, and have her show up at your date and flirt like crazy with you for about five or ten minutes, then bail. 5. After showing up for the first two or three dates where you’ve dressed to kill every time, show up on the next date showered but unshaven, with ‘bed head’ hair and your oldest Metallica T-shirt and jeans. Act like you’ve got the Migraine Headache From Hell. Don’t make any conversation. When your date asks “What’s wrong?”, growl “Nothin’!” like the typical Lout. Cut the date short and bail out without even kissing her good night. 6. As a variation on number #3, don’t even show up for the third date. Break it over the phone, at the last minute, with the lamest (but most plausible) excuse you can think of. 7. As another variation on number #3, invite her over to your place for dinner with more advance notice than normal. When she arrives, ask her what she’s doing there. Act like you’ve forgotten the whole thing, and sheepishly order some Chinese food or a pizza. (My favorite tactic is to sit at the computer with papers and beer cans crumpled everywhere, and leave the door unlocked. After she gives up her futile knocking and dares to enter, I ignore her for a few moments and glare at my computer, then rip at my hair screaming “Damn it! It’s all trash! Everything I write is trash!!!” (This is what I call the ‘Sensitive Artist Act’). You can do the same thing with a bunch of framed canvases you’ve started ‘painting’ on, then punch through the middle of the canvases. You can even hide these away somewhere and use them for multiple relationships!

8. Have incredibly hot, spine-grinding sex with her, and then utterly desecrate it with one of the “Things Never To Say During Sex” explained in a section coming up later. 148

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9. Out-do James Bond in look, style and grace on every date, until she demands to go home with you. Say “Well, Okay, but I thought you’d never ask, so I didn’t get a chance to clean the place.” She will say “Oh, it’s okay, it’ll be fine, really.” Then welcome her into a Caveman’s Lair, tastefully decorated in postmodern Beer Can And Dorito Bag. Act like it’s Buckingham Palace the whole time she’s there…assuming she doesn’t flee in horror at the sight of it. 10. Dutifully ogle every other living female within sight range. After your date notices and reprimands you about it, shrug and say “Well, I wasn’t going to ditch you for any of them, I was just looking for one we both could agree on.” 11. Use the reverse of the “Nice Outfit” opening line you used when you met. Smile at her when you met her for the date, then look at her outfit like she’s wearing the hide of a freshly-slaughtered rhinoceros. Don’t say anything out loud, just wear a shocked and horrified expression. She’ll say “What’s wrong with my outfit?!” Then you say “Nothing!”, but make an audible ‘snort’ or ‘choke’ when you do it, like you’re fighting to hold back gales of laughter. Now the screaming starts: “What’s wrong with my outfit?!?!” She screams. “I Said, Nothing!!!” You scream even louder. (This works best if you’re dressed to kill at the time…you go back and forth with the “What/Nothing!” drama for a bit, then you say “Look, I got all dressed up for you, and it looks like you dressed for me like I was some kind of Coney Island Whitefish Boy!” She will begin to explode in indignant rage, then she’ll ease back and say “What the Hell is a ‘Coney Island Whitefish Boy’?!?” Then make something up. I don’t what the hell it is either; I read it on an Aerosmith album cover.) 12. After you’ve given her some lovely roses on the first date and chocolates on the second date, show up for the third with a sixpack of the cheapest malt liquor you can find…with only two cans left. Offer her one. When she refuses, shrug and guzzle them both 149


yourself right in front of her. 13. Give her the wrong directions on where to meet you for a date. Start a blistering argument with her when she arrives late, totally denying your own mistake. OR, you can use a Monkey Wrench that ironically makes you actually seem like a great, caring friend! Let me introduce you to… “Gail” “Gail” might be considered the Ultimate Monkey Wrench, as she is the Nemesis-ter of every woman in love: The Other Woman! To make things even worse for your woman, Gail is “just a friend”! So she can’t stop you from calling her, seeing her, caring about her, et cetera, without coming off like an evil, paranoid shrew! Yet Gail calls at ridiculous hours, with either exciting news about her latest promotion/film role/record deal/photo shoot/whatever (anything at all that seems cooler than what your girlfriend does), or with some life-threatening crisis that requires you to take off to save her, leaving your girlfriend stuck in the lurch!!! What can your girlfriend do? Tell you not to rush to the aid of your ‘best platonic female friend who saved your life in college by giving you c.p.r. when you accidentally choked on a beer bong’? Hell no! She has to sit there and wait, seething with jealousy and simultaneously thinking what a loyal, faithful White Knight you are! Yep, Gail sure is a Hottie…and rich, smart, bisexual, fearless, performs every sexual act your girlfriend won’t, has bought you all kinds of gifts and loaned you all kinds of money (in the past), and still gives to charity and goes to church on Sundays. The perfect woman, one that your girlfriend couldn’t compete with if she had a Genii with unlimited wishes. And of course you don’t (like to) kiss and tell, but you DID have white-hot sex with Gail back in the day, with plenty of oral sex, threesomes, leather outfits and assorted kinks 150

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(all of which Gail insisted on, and was great at), but ultimately you just couldn’t keep up with her and decided you’d be better as friends. But hey, how can your girlfriend possibly be jealous about it? It was years (or months) ago, and now you’re just friends! Fortunately for your girlfriend, and most conveniently for you, Gail doesn’t exist. “Gail” is short for Galatea, from the Greek myth of Pygmalion and Galatea. Pygmalion was an awesome sculptor, possibly the best in the world at the time. He began trying to sculpt the ‘ultimate woman’, whom he called Galatea. When the statue was finished, he fell in love with her, and prayed to the gods every waking moment to make her real, until the gods said, “Ahhhh, shaddduppp!!!” And did just that. Galatea came to life, fell in love with Pygmalion, and they both lived happily ever after. I don’t really endorse using “Gail”, because she’s a lie, and I bet you wouldn’t want your girl inventing some guy named “Raul” and pulling the same shit. In fact, I only invented Gail after a stack of girls kept coming up with “Rauls” of their own. Therefore I only condone using “Gail” when your own girl has a “Raul” who they have to take off and comfort every other Saturday night at midnight…and bear in mind “Gail” comes with some risks, which you’ll discover momentarily. To create your own “Gail”, find some anonymous (hot) girl’s photo, much like the ones that come in picture frames before they’re sold. Digitally tamper with the photo so you’ve got one framed 8x10 of her (with a fake signature reading “Joe, I’ll remember you and Acapulco forever!!! Call me any time!!! Love always, Gail.” Optionally, visit a female porn star’s website or personal club appearance and buy a personally autographed photo. (Very few women who aren’t involved with porn can recognize any women who are in porn…and if your girlfriend does recognize your ‘Gail’ as a porn star, so much the better! She’ll think “God, I’m gonna need to turbo-fuck this guy now if I want to keep him around.”) Also crop a second photo down to wallet-size, and keep her there, too. 151


Secondly, make sure “Gail” has your cell phone number (only use your home phone number if you’ve only got one phone. If you’ve got two, your girlfriend might just ‘accidentally’ pick up the other line), by bribing assorted friends and co-workers to call you from bars and pay-phones, saying “This is Gail”, and then hanging up (if it’s a guy) or just hanging on (if it’s a girl). You, in the meantime, stay on the (dead) line for as long as you like, saying “You got a tattoo of what?” (pause/laugh) “Where?” (pause/laugh even harder) “Oh, you naughty girl…so, you still got the Dorito going on, or are you down to a ‘landing strip’, now?” (pause/laugh/repeat as necessary). Obviously your girlfriend must be in earshot for this to have any effect on her… If you’ve got a female friend or co-worker still on the line, and your girlfriend’s there, say “Yeah, I’ve got a girlfriend now…Oh, she’s, ah, she’s swell, yeah…Her name’s (insert girlfriend’s name), she’s a (insert girlfriend’s profession)…What? Well, Okay…(Scrutinize your girlfriend) hmmm…she’s got long hair, nice pouty lips, a cute little button of a nose, she’s got really beautiful, white shoulders like a Greek statue or something…nice breasts, yeah…” Keep describing your girlfriend in intimate and ridiculously flattering detail until her jaw drops, or she blushes, or smiles. Then turn up the heat: “What? Oh, c’mon, Gail…No. (pause) I said No, Gail! (pause) what d’you mean ‘Why not’?—because we’re friends, Gail, last time I checked…(pause) Oh, sure, now that I’ve got somebody, you want to get with me…you women are so typical! (long pause)…get with us…oh, I see where you’re coming from…well hell yeah, I’m up for it, but I don’t know if (girlfriend’s name) is…God, you’d love her body, though, I know I do…we’d have to get her good and drunk, first…(pause) well, don’t get your hopes up, she’s the Insanely Jealous Type, you know how it is…Well, Okay, I might talk to her about it…no promises…(pause), well, even if she did want to, when would we hook it up, anyway? You’re only in the States, what, two 152

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months a year? (Pause) Back burner…yeah, no big deal…so, how’s your latest ‘stallion’? (long-ass pause abbreviated by chuckles, snorts of derision, etc.) Okay, Right. (pause) Sure. (pause) Absolutely. (pause) Oh, you know it, baby! (pause) Gotcha. (pause) Enjoy Paris! Love ya. Bye.” Note! If your girlfriend demands to talk to Gail, you better think of a reason why she Can’t, or you’re F**ked without a kiss. I’d scowl at my girlfriend and say, “Excuse me, this is long distance, from Europe!” If you’ve still got the female friend/coworker on the line, let’s hope she can improvise. If it’s a guy, discreetly thumb the ‘disconnect’ key with your thumb as you hand your girl the phone. Third, have someone write you a short letter or postcard describing why “Gail” had to take that dream job in Hawaii, that she’s sorry she won’t be able to see you for a while (forever, really), but she’ll always let you crash on her couch in Paradise! (The reason you need someone else to do this is because you’ll need someone else’s handwriting. You can of course type up your own letter with some exotic font, but it lacks authenticity. Have them do it in plain black or blue ink, without a date. Hold the letter in reserve for High Noon on the day your girlfriend snaps like a rubber band and screams "It’s Gail Or Me!!!” Then tearfully give her the letter. In a broken, quavering voice, ask your girlfriend “Happy now?” and walk off into your bedroom, pretending to cry until she jumps onto your face—ostensibly to comfort you, but really overjoyed that her competition is gone.) If your girlfriend cold-busts you somehow with proof of Gail’s nonexistence, And demands to know why you went into such an elaborate/insane charade, This will get you out of it every time: Sit down. Sigh miserably, like a worn-out general. Look sheepishly down at the floor. Finally say “I made Gail up, because…I wanted to make you jealous. I didn’t think you cared enough about me.” (It’s pathetic, of course, but it’s just the type of soul-crushing 153


admission of vulnerability and simultaneous declaration of love that women devour!!!) Beyond sowing the seeds of a future threesome, you can also use Gail as a kind of “Get Out Of (Whatever) Free” Card…You’d really LOVE to help your girlfriend hang pictures and drapes in her new pad and then eat her Mom’s Eggplant Surprise…but Gail just called and you’ve got to bail her out of jail for indecent exposure…again! Like most Monkey Wrenches, use Gail sparingly. After all, she is a white-hot bisexual supermodel who parties in Monaco every other Tuesday, so don’t call her/have her call you too much. An upcoming chapter has an entire list of things women love and things they hate; just mix & match them and you can keep a girl baffled, intrigued and ‘hooked’ for months or even years.

Cutting Costs/Meeting Her Half-way Now, want to slash your costs of dating in half? I thought so. Check this out: Depending on where you live, you may have access to buying something called The Entertainment Card, and it virtually creates dates for free! It’s normally offered by charities of major cities, and it’s an enormous coupon book of buy-one-get-one-free dinners, movie tickets, hotel rooms, entertainment, etc. They cost between $25 and $50, but they’re worth their weight in gold …screw gold, titanium! One of them lasted me through five girlfriends, and saved me a ridiculous amount of moolah. A small percentage of maitre d’s found this ‘cheap’, but if the girls being dated thought so, they never said anything about it. If you’re paying, (and let’s face it, most of the time you will be paying) there’s nothing wrong with being economical! When I’m really whipped—er, infatuated with a girl, I’ll try to take her on a really expensive high-class ‘dream-date’ once a month, the other 154

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dates being more economical. The m.c.d. of women, God bless ‘em, seem to be satisfied with that. It’s much better than taking a girl out on a flurry of high-class dates back to back, then taking her on a bunch of ‘economical’ dates because you’re broke from the highclass dates. For the girl, it’s like falling out of a hot tub into a plastic wading pool of cold water. If a woman ever infers that you’re cheap (or goes into that ‘what have you done for me lately’ routine), you can quietly turn the tables by saying “Well, men and women are equals, as I understand it, and you’re making just as much money as I am, so why don’t you take us out once in a while?” And watch her jaw drop. Case in point: I took a live-in girlfriend out to see a movie; it took my last dollar, but we had a good time, went home, had sex & went to bed. The next morning I was awakened by “Kennnnnn?” “Zzzzzzzzzzzzsnort—umm--what?” “Will you take us to “X” Casino for breakfast?” (Now, “X” Casino serves a decent, cheap breakfast, but it needs to serve a decent, cheap breakfast because it is in fact a retirement home with slot machines, contains huge, nearly-tangible walls of cigarette smoke that would make even a pack-a-day smoker cough, echoes with the endless cry of “Cocktails?!”, and requires a twentyminute drive and at least that long of a wait in line. Visualizing all of this, and remembering I’d spent all my money last night, and knowing I’d already stocked our fridge with eggs, bacon, cheese, bread, juice and milk, I say:) “No.” (Had I not been semi-conscious, I would have gone into detail why.) (Pause) “Well…how about if I pay for my own breakfast?” “Hmmmm…generous of you. How about paying for both of our breakfasts…for once. Just once.” (Pause, grumbling, sheets/blankets fluttering upwards, footsteps stomping into bathroom, door slamming, shower running, door opening, grumbling, dressing sounds, more grumbling, footsteps 155


stomp towards door) “Hmmm…guess that’s a ‘no’, eh? Look, we’ve got stuff in the fridge…” (Door opening, then slamming shut.) (Blessed silence, much more conducive to additional and muchneeded sleep.) Some women, bless their hearts, will meet you halfway. For instance, when my car was broken down, Patricia and I had a pretty good “I buy/you fly” deal going, wherein I would pay for everything but she did all the transportation. I once spent a few months experimenting with relationships in a ‘three strikes’ philosophy: I would take the girl out three times, doing all the driving & paying. After the third date, I would say “Okay, call me when you want to go out again.” And then I’d wait by the phone, and wait, and wait…eventually I started thinking “What the hell am I doing wrong?” And Jesus told me “You’re acting like a woman.” Oh, so that’s it… Just grin and bear it. If you’re on hard times; unemployed or whatever (it happens), just let her know. Don’t burst into tears or scream in despair, just let her know. If she takes off, c’est la vie. If she stands by you, she’s a woman to hang onto with battleship chains! Once in a blue moon you might meet a liberated girl who will take you out! Oh,joy! Treasure these moments, but don’t let her do it all the time. It can get embarrassing, too, if you think she’s taking you out but you misunderstand her. Generally, if she says “C’mon, we’re going out to…” or “I’m taking you to…” means she’s paying (I always confirm these offers with: “And you’re paying?! My God, I think my heart’s gonna stop.”) “Let’s go to…” infers that she might pay, but bring the ATM card just in case. “Can we go to…” Means that you’re paying, if you agree to go. Let’s assume you’ve had several dates with one girl and she’s 156

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kissing you back and always eager to see you again. Things are looking up. You’re ready to take her home, and it’s a damn good thing I caught you in time. ‘Cause you shouldn’t just take her ‘home’, you should take her to…(drum roll, please)

The Fully Functioning Babe Lair “Chicks are helpless against its powers.” (Party on, Garth.) Wouldn’t you like to have an apartment where girls come in, hang up their coat, then hang up their blouse, skirt, slip, garters, fishnet stockings…ummmmmmm, excuse me for a moment. Okay, I’m back. Well, of course you’d like one; so would I. But that means…cleaning it up. (Cleaning it up?! Are you out of your stinkin’ mind?!?!) Yeah! Fear not, D’Artagnon. It can be done, with courage and daring (and maybe a forklift). Just so you know, a girl who’s hot for you will get it on with you in a patch of poison ivy if she has to…but that doesn’t mean she necessarily wants to. When I look back at some of the sickening environments I’ve scored in, I think I would’ve slapped me if I was the girl. If a girl’s not blazing hot for you but is warming up to you, your environment can work for or against you. Let’s make it work for you. 1. Even if you’re going out on a first date—or just lookin’ for strange—act as though you know you’ll be bringing a girl home regardless! Clean the place in advance. It makes a good line, too: “C’mon, I cleaned the place up just for you!” Note that if you have a roommate, this isn’t always possible, but if you can lay down the law with clear communication beforehand (“I’m bringing home a love-

slave tonight, so keep your bloody needles out of sight or your head will be looking for its body!!!”), then who knows, they may even help you clean the place. 157


You don’t have to turn the place into the Playboy Mansion, but most of the place (dining room, bathroom, bedroom) should have some semblance of neatness. If you want to shower with the young lady afterwards, clean the bathroom as well. Don’t bring a woman home to a maze of beer cans, dead roaches, sleazy pin-ups, dirty clothes and four-foot-high stacks of dishes covered with carnivorous mold spores, and then call me for advice when she doesn’t come in. 2. A neat trick is to place some large candles at strategic points around the room(s). Their light can hide any parts of the place you didn’t have time to clean, and women dig candlelight—it’s romantic, and practically broadcasts a subliminal message telling them to relax and get cozy. Incense is good, too, when they’re sweet scents (strawberry, vanilla, coconut, etc.) used in moderation. 3. Have an “Instant Bomb Shelter Date” prepared, courtesy of those items I told you to buy a few chapters back (tell your roommates “In an emergency, you can eat or drink everything besides this stuff.”). Most TV dinners will last in your freezer through the Third Millenium; just don’t serve them out of the box, break out the good china and hook ‘em up with some cool garnishes. Later on, you can dazzle her with your ability to actually cook something (I’ve included a recipe for you after this). But a decent TV dinner takes only a few minutes to prepare and you won’t destroy the kitchen doing it. Make sure to re-stock the ol’ Bomb Shelter after you use up these initial supplies. After your oh-so-classy meal, have a trio of videos or dvd’s you wouldn’t mind seeing again: preferably one hit comedy, one hit action or horror film, and one Classy softcore ‘romantic’ film (Nude love scenes, yes. Double-penetration scenes, no. Some of the best examples of softcore films are made by Surrender Cinema, which has made Virtual Enounters, The Erotic House of Wax, Pleasurecraft and other straight-to-video releases. The plots are uncomplicated—to say 158

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the least—but the talent looks great and the scenes are just as steamy as any ‘hardcore’ film, in my opinion. My latest girlfriend, who’s watched a number of adult films with me, said that the casts in Surrender Cinema films are actually better-looking than most porn stars.) I recommend the following: Any Mel Brooks film; Any of the Naked Gun films, Kentucky Fried Movie, Fatal Instinct, Airplane, I’m

gonna Git You Sucka, Bowfinger, A Fish Called Wanda, The Full Monty, Dirty Work, The Big Hit, True Lies, Babd Boys, any 007 film, Mask of Zorror,The Musketeer, Gladiator, Army of Darkness, Nine and a half weeks, Flesh and Blood, Cat People,Body Snatchers: the Invasion Continues, Bride of Chucky, American Werewolf in London/Paris, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Ghost, LA. Confidential, Three of Hearts, Red Shoe Diaries, various stand-up comedy concerts (Martin Lawrence’s You So Crazy, etc.) You might be tempted to stock your video library with one of those so-called ‘chick-flicks’ like Sleepless in Seattle, The English Patient, Chocolat, or whatever. I would suggest doing this only if you personally like that particular film (pink boy); otherwise the girl is going to think “What’s a guy got this movie for?—Oh, it’s to get me in the mood.” And yeah, it’ll get her in the mood—for crying, or fantasizing she’s with the male lead instead of you, or getting so engrossed in the film that all your efforts in heavy petting get distracting and annoying. The difference between a ‘chick flick’ and the ‘softcore’ film is that the softcore film revolves around sex, only it’s sex without graphic penetration. I recommend you play the softcore film last, when it’s late at night and your girl shows no signs of running home to Mother. As for hardcore porn, watch it by yourself. Yeah, there is graphic penetration…and horrible music, inane dialogue and looped scenes. If you play it for a girl too early in the relationship, you’re going to scare her off by appearing sleazy. If you play it when you’re both comfortable in the relationship, you’re both going to get hot and 159


bothered during the first scene, and start going at it, and you’ll miss the rest of the film anyway. There are a few uses for porn: getting your girlfriend to try a new position or situation (“See? Look at that girl, she’s sharing her guy with another girl and she’s having the time of her life!”), and jading her to the point where she’ll agree to have sex with you on camera. Personally, I would save these ‘uses’ for when I was really, really bored with the relationship. Beyond the flicks, I would also have a few board games standing by in plain sight. Chess makes you seem really classy; Scruples is good in that it clues you in to your girl’s morals; Trivial Pursuit’s okay, Othello, Monopoly, Risk, Clue, etc. Spencer Gifts also sells Around The World In Bed, Sip and Go Naked. These should all be in plain sight, so the girl can ask “Can we play that?” 4. The m.c.d. of women are offended by “Wench” pinups (including Playmate centerfolds & Penthouse pets), unless they’re the wenches in them. I’m convinced the ones that didn’t complain were just being tactful. Note that Frank Frazetta’s and Boris Vallejo’s fantasy-heroine art seems to be taken in stride because it shows women kicking butt. Bikini beer-girl posters are tolerable in moderation, but graphic photos of women airing out their labias don’t go over very well. If you’ve got Kathy Ireland and Jenny McCarthy plastered all over your walls, most women will feel secondbest and will think you’re only satisfied by an awesome body (and even the women I’ve dated that had awesome bodies didn’t think theirs was awesome.). 5. If you have any talent at all (and you do, although your multiple-job rat race may have made you forget what it is), keep it on display. Your Humble Servant always has at least one manuscript ‘just sitting there’. In college, my roommate and I brewed our own beer, and more than a few women showed up for ‘samples’ (the beer wasn’t bad either!). If you’re a musician, keep the guitars in sight and a demo tape handy. If you’re a comic, keep your best showcase video 160

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on hand. If you’re a mason…I don’t know, build an unnecessary wall or something. Whatever it is, make it impressive and ensure that you can squeeze at least five minutes of conversation out of it. If you’re untalented but rich, buy some mind-blowing gadget from The Sharper Image that’ll catch her eye. 6. A most excellent investment in your Fully Functioning Babe Lair is a massage table. I can’t recall a time when I gave a girl a massage and she said “Thanks, that was great, gotta go.” You can buy top-of-the-line models from some furniture stores, but you could also make one yourself using a cheap but sturdy wooden coffee table, attaching some foam padding and reupholstering it with velour fabric (when using it, place a beach towel over it or it’ll eventually get soaked with oil and sweat, necessitating more and more incense). Virtually anything that’s capable of supporting her succulent bod will do. Hell, if you make a part-time massage business out of it you can make that sucker pay for itself in no time. Just ensure your massage table isn’t over three feet tall; you wouldn’t want her to get hurt when you roll her off onto the floor. 7. Speaking of the floor, is any part of yours suitable for rock & roll? I didn’t think so (neither did Samantha). Be particularly careful on tile or hardwood floors; my first film role required me to lay on a hardwood floor beneath an actress who was playing my ‘dominatrix’…ouch. The crew asked me if I got aroused; I told them I probably would have if I didn’t feel like I was on The Rack. For those times when the two of you can’t even make it to the bedroom, invest in a bearskin rug (I haven’t met any women yet who found bears ‘defenseless’ animals) or a faux-fur throw rug, or an Oriental rug. 8. Your bedroom ought to have a nightstand with condoms, mints, and a sport bottle of water. Obviously it’s already got a bedside radio or a CD player. A small strobe light works wonders during sex, 161


as will some strategically placed mirrors. Mirrors on the ceiling are cool, but they’re also brazen…a girl might see mirrors on your ceiling and jump to the haughty conclusion that you’re some oversexed pimp on the make, and she’s going to be ‘potential ho’ #416 (for shame!). That’s why I go for mirrored headboards with a mirrored dresser directly across the room from it. Expensive, perhaps, but well worth it. On a lower budget, you can buy a few narrow, wall-mounted horizontal mirrors (around $15.00 each the last time I checked) and place them around the room. A cooler device for your ceiling are those glow-in-the-dark stars (or other designs) that only come on when the lights are off. But again, all you really need is the bed itself. Sometimes not even that…there’ve been times my ‘bed’ was a pallet of blankets on the floor, and the girls were like “Okay, any port in a storm…” For an obscene amount of bonus points, set a bowl of seedless grapes or chocolates on the nightstand beforehand, and feed them to her by hand during the Afterglow. 9. Music is up to you. I’ve only met a few women who were into the same bands I was, and with those few I got along quite well. I normally tell girls “put on whatever you like”, and after scoping out my CD and tape collection (with its selection of Megadeth, Saxon, Manowar and Black Sabbath) they usually say “Ummm, how ‘bout we just listen to the radio.” Which is fine, but after hearing that a hundred times, I’ve finally expanded my tastes and gotten one tape or CD of every genre, jazz, blues, classical, what have you. I’ve also gotten a few “Subliminal Relaxation” tapes with nature sounds on them (Surf, thunderstorms, etc.). There is now a ‘subliminal seduction’ tape and/or CD that supposedly makes women hot for you as soon as you put it on. Don’t buy it; it doesn’t work. However, do make your own “Slide-Guitar” tape or CD with at least six songs that you like (to have sex to) and won’t send most women screaming from the room. I’ll explain its use later. 162

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10. Unplug the freakin’ phone when you have a girl over! (If nothing else, turn the ringer and answering machine all the way down.) 11. Make her feel at home. It should go without saying, but for us guys, when we get home we can get that ‘f**k the world’ vibe and turn into hibernating bears, slouching, belching, putting our feet up, scratching our ‘nads, forgetting our manners and the fact that we’ve got guests. So, once your hottie has entered your web…er, apartment: Take your shoes off in the foyer, leave them there, and humbly request that she take her shoes off (A handwritten sign reading Please Take Your Shoes Off helps, too). She will think it’s to save wear & tear on your carpets, which it does, but it also gets one item of her clothing off right away, and deviously delays her departure. Think about it; walking around in your stocking feet is a lot more comfortable than in shoes—unless you’re walking on broken glass—and once you’re in your stocking feet, do you really want to put your shoes back on right away? Hell no! Needlessly apologize for the nonexistent ‘mess’. Offer to take her coat, if she has one. Offer her a drink, which she’ll probably refuse. If she’s coming over at 2 am, the only thing she probably wants to drink is your sweat. Turn on some tunes, or let her choose a CD. Say “Excuse me while I renovate” and take a moment to close the blinds and light the incense and candles. Leave a few regular lights burning, but not all. Point out whatever’s cool about your house or apartment, whether it’s some artwork you made, or just the view. Make a point of visibly relaxing, which should make her relax as well. Take your time. As a general rule, once a girl enters my apartment, I try to let at least half an hour go by before making any 163


contact, unless she jumps me first. Never rush a woman; it makes you appear straight out of eighth grade. If you’re nervous, remind yourself that she’s here, and she probably didn’t come over to water your plants (if you have any plants, which I doubt). If she’s nervous, ask her if anything’s wrong, and if you can do anything to lay her…fears to rest. Just the simple act of asking this will usually calm her down and let her know that you’re not the Pillowcase Rapist. However, if she’s nervous and you’re doing nothing to make her nervous and you’re being the most gracious host you can and she still won’t relax, calmly tell her: “Listen, I’m pretty sure I’ve been a gentleman, but for whatever reason, it’s obvious you’re not comfortable here. And if you’re not comfortable, I’m not comfortable. So I think it’s best that you leave.” This statement sometimes ‘defrosts’ women right away (What? He’s throwing me out?! Impossible! Must not Happen! Got—to—fight it--) “Oh, I’m sorry, I just, ah, I’m getting comfortable right now, really! Watch me as I’m getting comfortable. Ummm, let me get you a beer…” Otherwise, call her a cab and/or ensure that she gets home all right, write her off and set your sights on newer, bolder women. If she’s not nervous, relax for a bit, then excuse yourself to use the bathroom…where you’ve already cleverly set up your upperclass bathrobe and boxer shorts. Change into these (You don’t have to, but taking off a bathrobe takes all of two seconds, whereas taking off your normal street clothes takes a while, and can make you look like an epileptic if you’re in a hurry. Also, you can opt for slacks instead of boxers if you want. With their looser fit, slacks should slide right down off you once they’re undone, whereas most jeans make you hop around and do a dance I call “The Flamingo”.), and take a moment to brush your teeth, splash your face, check for errant nosehairs, and splash on a bit of cologne. By the way, your bathrobe already has a condom in its pocket, 164

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right? Right. Now get busy and rock her world! What I like to do is break out grapes, or chocolates, (or best of all, chocolate-covered strawberries dipped in whipped cream) and start feeding her by hand. If I’m out of those, I’ll take some massage oils and start rubbing her feet, ‘working my way up’ until I give her The Atomic Lip-lock. (Jump ahead to the ‘Prepare To Dive’ section if you like.) Now, in a formal situation, here’s a dinner that I’ve always scored after serving. Not that this meal has any aphrodisiac powers or anything; I think the girls just thought Wow, this guy can actually cook, I better keep him around for a while…

Cornish Game Hens A La K.K. You need: 2 Cornish game hens ($4-$9 total) 2 slices of bread ($.25) 1 stick of butter (2 sticks, just in case) (.$75) 3 oz. Apple/orange/pineapple juice ($2) (optionally, add 1 oz. Hard cider or brandy) 1 can sliced pineapple (optional) ($1) Seasoned salt ($1) Sides-1 can of peas (or mixed peas and carrots, or mixed vegetables) ($1) 2 boxes of Success Rice (“Cheese-Broccoli” mix is good, yellow’s OK, plain white will work) ($2) 2 servings of Crescent rolls (or whatever The Pillsbury Doughboy has on sale) ($1) 1 Sara Lee Chocolate Cream Pie (She’ll refuse it, but you’ll eat it off of her) ($5) 1 bottle White wine (White girls can’t resist Kendall Jackson 165


Chardonnay, but get whatever you want, she’s in no position to bargain. Just get a chardonnay, or sauvignon blanc—anything lightcolored. You can have beer or hard cider, if she’s not into wine—but most girls are into wine. Champagne’s better!). Make sure you plan this ahead, because game hens are normally purchased frozen, and they take at least 3-4 hours to thaw properly. If your date’s set a night in advance, keep them in the refrigerator overnight, remove them early in the afternoon and you should be fine. If she’s coming over that night, put them in the sink and run warm water over them continuously (a few minutes’ defrosting in the microwave probably wouldn’t hurt). As soon as they’re thawed, remove the giblets (some hens are now sold without giblets, thank God). Yeah, that step is a bitch. Use a claw hammer if you have to. Set the oven to broil on 400. Grease a roasting pan (I’ve made a cookie sheet work, too). Melt one stick of butter, add seasoned salt, a bit of water, and the juice. Mix it. Toast both slices of bread, liberally coat both slices with the butter/juice mix, then cram each slice up the hens where the giblets were (Voila! Stuffing made easy!) Salt the hens, then prick them all over the place with a fork or sharp knife, then baste thoroughly with the butter/juice mix. Roast hens breast-up for 25 minutes, spending that 25 minutes cleaning your apartment like a paranoid ex-con whose parole officer is visiting. Flip the hens breast-down, prick and baste again, roast for another 25 minutes. Shower, dress, finish cleaning apartment, etc. Flip the hens breast-up again, baste again, roast another 25 minutes. Meanwhile, prepare rolls, rice and vegetables according to individual instructions. Switch oven to BAKE (for rolls)—do NOT reduce heat, but monitor rolls carefully. Remove rolls when golden brown. 166

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Baste hens again, garnish with pineapple slices, turn oven OFF but leave hens inside until ready to serve. Personally I arrange these on BIG plates with the rice on the left, the vegetables on the right and the hens heaped over them in the middle, and grin as the hapless girl stares at the amount of food she’s expected to eat (“Save room for dessert, now, darling!”). I normally have most of these ingredients standing by, so this meal only costs me the hens, the wine and the dessert…a staggering $20 total. In a restaurant, I can imagine paying triple that amount. Furthermore, this dinner is so good, I normally don’t even care if the girl wants to have sex afterwards (Bellllllllchhhhh! “What? You’re still HERE?!”) but most of them wanted to, so I courteously obliged. Obviously you can cook whatever you like for your girl…I slightly suggest poultry or seafood over the messier ribs and burgers…just make one effort to cook something for her (even if you get it wrong, I guarantee she’ll forgive you). I can’t overemphasize the impact this has on women. To women, cooking for them is a huge neon sign reading “This guy cares about me.” Afterwards, when you’re conversationally bankrupt, which won’t take long, make your move. If you’ve spent your whole life in a monastery and don’t know how this works, I’ve included a helpful sex guide a few chapters ahead.

Girlfriends Vs. Friendgirls When you initiate a relationship with a woman, it’s in your best interests to decide quickly if you want this woman to be your friend or your lover. If you don’t, sometimes she will decide for both of you, and you 167


may find the results a tad frustrating, to say the least! “Well of course I want her for a lover, damn it!” You snarl. “Now let’s get to the part where I give her a damned good Rogering!” In good time, Casanova. First of all, dig this: 1. There’s a popular urban legend that women ‘automatically’ know that they’re eventually going to (try to) sleep with you within the first five minutes of meeting you. (I find this hard to accept; it assumes that all women are alike, and it assumes women never change their minds). I once worked with a girl for over a year, and we never even looked at each other sexually, then at a party we got friendlier and friendlier until she took me home. 2. Your behavior in the early stages of your relationship might lead her to assume you want to be her friend, first and foremost. (No real harm there; better than being viewed as a stalk ‘n slash nutcase.) 3. There’s nothing wrong with having some good female friends. In fact, they can provide a good deal of insight into the feminine mystique, and can open up other relationships for you, or assist in other ways. In fact, I once had a girlfriend who became a platonic friend, and it turned out we liked each other better that way. She’d pick out suits for me to wear on dates with other girls with no jealousy whatsoever. Also, I could take her out on the town, and when I did, other girls would notice me because I had the “taken” sign around my neck. 4. Women will rarely, if ever, have sex with their friends. This doesn’t mean they never will; it means that the odds are against it. If they do, the sexual relationship created thereby will usually be awkward and short-lived. But don’t take my word for it; try it and see what happens. So, at all times, be straightforward in your approach to what you 168

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want from a woman. If you court a woman—that is to say, flatter her and shower her with affection and romance, you’ll leave no doubt in her mind that you want to be her lover. If you hang out with a woman, basically drop by and merely spend time with her and talk with her, you will probably end up being thought of as a friend. You will know this when she says “What’s up, Steve?” Instead of “HellllllllO, STEVE!” Your words and deeds will pave the way for her responses: if you tell her “You look like a RED-HOT GODDESS in that outfit!” As opposed to “That looks cool”, she will respond as if you are courting her. If you bring her a six-pack as opposed to bringing her flowers, she’ll think you’re being a friend. Nothing wrong in either case, but don’t cry to Your humble Servant if you hear “I think we should just be friends.” This is the ultimate female kiss-off line, which is why every man will hear it at least a dozen times in his life. It’s fiendishly clever; akin to saying “I’ll never go to bed with you, Steve, but I can still use your help in moving heavy objects.” If a girl tells you this and you really can’t see her as a friend, you only want to be her lover, just say “No problem, good idea.” And immediately move on. Write her off, make no attempt to contact her (although forwarding inspirational or humorous email messages is harmless enough). If she contacts you, be civil & friendly, but tell her you’re busy. Invent a girlfriend if you have to, tell your friendgirl that your girlfriend is taking you out somewhere in a few minutes, and it really wouldn’t be a good idea to meet her because she’s extremely jealous. This might seem cold, rude or Machiavellian, pick your adjective…but it just seems that way. It is infinitely better than masochistically hanging out with friendgirl, drooling over her unattainable body while listening to her talk about the other guys in her life. “…And he bought me this really tight black leather bodysuit he makes me wear, here’s a photo of me wearing it…God, Steve, I’m 169


so glad we’re friends, I can talk to you about anything!” If it’s any consolation, don’t forget that you can use this same tactic as well! This is good for female co-workers that you like, but wouldn’t dream of going down on. It’s also helpful if you can’t seem to get beyond a certain ‘base’ with your chosen girl, even after nine dates. Try a conversation like this: “Listen, Carol (or whoever) –I’ve been thinking about you a lot, and I think maybe we should just be friends.” Carol’s jaw drops. “W-what? Why?” “Because our relationship doesn’t seem to be working the way I envisioned it…” “What do you mean? We always have a good time whenever we’re together…” “No, I know that, Carol…it’s just that I was thinking of you in an intimate way, and the signals I’ve gotten from you tell me that you don’t want to be intimate with me. And you know I’m a gentleman, and I’d never rush you into something you don’t want. So I guess I’ve got to find someone who wants intimacy…” “What—Oh! You want sex? Damn, well, get in here then! Get your pants off, hurry…” Gasp, moan, etc. This actually worked with Patricia. We were at her place on Date #7, still at kissin’ & cuddlin’, but no rollin’ or tumblin’. It was getting late, and I finally said “Listen, Patricia, I’m gonna go.” “Why?!” “Well, I certainly don’t mind if you don’t want to do anything besides kiss and hug. But it’s been two months now, so I hope you don’t mind if I find someone who will do something besides kiss and hug.” And I prepare the proud yet calm grand exit. “Wait--!” She cries. “Yes?” “I could do those things if you want, but…” “Yes?” “I’m really a man.” She said. “Oh my God…Later!” I head to the door. 170

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“Wait—I’m just kidding!” “You damned well better be, ‘Patrick’!” “I am. I’m not a man…it’s just that…” “Yes?” “I’ve got hair around my nipples, and I’m really sensitive about it—“ “Later!” I reach for the doorknob, fighting to keep down all that Chinese food I bought. “Wait--!” She calls again. “Now what?” “I’m just kidding! I don’t have any hair around my nipples…” “Oh, really? You needn’t bother proving it.” “No! Really! I just wanted to…ahhh…I just wanted to—“ “Yes?” I sigh, with the patience of an iron saint. “I…ahhh…I do want to have sex with you. I just wanted to— ah—strip for you first.” “Good, you’re going to have to after all that.” I said, and walked back to watch her strip, and there was much rejoicing. So remember, the “Let’s just be friends” line works both ways. And it’s always a good idea to remain on good terms with the women you meet. If you don’t want to be friends with said woman, merely say “Oh, well, why be Friends when we can be—Enemies?!?!” And make sure to scream maniacal laughter afterwards.

Polyamory (Loving Multiple Women) Translated literally, Polyamory means ‘multiple loves.’ While polygamy (multiple wives) is against the law, polyamory isn’t. Women just act like it is. For more information on polyamory (which would take up an entire other book in itself) read the books Open Marriage by the O’Neills, or The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine Lizst. Once I brought the latter book to work, and one of my Christian co171


workers saw the title and detonated. “How can you claim to love God and be an ‘ethical slut’?” And I replied “The same way Solomon did, with his 600 wives and 400 concubines.” You can also contact the World Polyamory Association over the internet. The more information you learn about the lifestyle, the easier it will become for you to make convincing arguments for it…and you’ll have to argue for it. Contrary to popular belief, there is Nothing wrong with seeing more than one woman…If the women know about it beforehand!!! Sear that seven-word disclaimer into your memory. Just tell the girls “I’m seeing a lot of people, (and/or) I’m not looking for any commitments right now.” If you’re up front about it from the beginning, there’s very little that the women can say about it, short of “Well, I’m not into that.” You’re not ‘cheating’ on them, you’re being honest and you’re not breaking any laws. By dating two or more women, you obviously give up any right that they see you exclusively. Hypocrisy’s ugly. Also, take note that when you reach the point of having sex with one of them, that girl will normally demand that you ditch your other girlfriends. Normally. A few girls don’t care, a few others are bisexual, a couple are insane. You can stick to your guns and say you’re not ditching anyone; all you have to do is turn down the sex. Yeah, I didn’t think you would. Like anything else, seeing more than one woman has its ups and downs. On the “up” side, your dance card should be nicely filled, your hip and thigh muscles should be well-exercised, and you will become a master of timing, creativity and finance. On the ‘down’ side, your time and money may be sorely tested. Polyamory works best on an ‘all or nothing’ basis: you tell your partners all about each other (optimally, if they’re cool and nonpossessive, over time they might meet, get to know and like each other, and form a customized group relationship with you and their other loves, known as triads, quads, etc., depending on the number of people involved.) or nothing about each other, beyond the fact 172

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you’re seeing others. You might even live together, and work out an arrangement where you share time entertaining at home by working out a schedule in advance, or leaving a ‘do not disturb’ sign on the door or some other signal. If you’re using the ‘nothing’ style (which is the arrangement easiest for straight women to accept), here are a few things to keep in mind: 1. Do not introduce your women to each other, unless you’re trying to set up a menage-a-trois, or you happen to meet one while in the company of the other one. Even open-minded, liberal women tend to go ballistic when they see “their” man with somebody else. 2. Do not call them by the wrong name! If you thought the Titanic and the Hindenburg were disasters, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. 3. Try not to converse about, or make comparisons to, your other partner. Unless one of them flat-out demands to know about the other one. Even then, use that information sparingly. It’s in ultrabad taste to say, “C’mon, Alison always gets on top!” During lovemaking, or similar things. 4. Try to separate them by time or distance. It might be a good idea to tell one girl “I can see you on Wednesday, Thursday or Friday” and tell the other one “I can see you on Saturday, Sunday or Monday”, and keep Tuesday free to relax, stock up on all those stimulants you’ll need, and do further scheduling. This way a girl becomes accustomed to seeing you on a certain night or time, and doesn’t freak out when you can’t see her on a certain day. In addition, it helps if you take one girl out on dates on one particular side of your town, and take the other girl out on the other side of town, thus lessening the chances you’ll bump into the first girl. 173


5. Do not program their numbers into your phones, as automatic or convenient as that may seem. Eventually one or more of them will have access to your phone (home or cell) and might get curious about what numbers are on there. Commit their numbers to memory, or keep them on a business card in your wallet (using initials for their names).

Wow, this Polly Whatsername deal sounds awesome! How do I start dating multiple women once I’m already with a woman? It’s quite simple, you heartbreaking sleazebag: tell the girl you’re with now that you’re going to start seeing other people—not that you want to start seeing other people; you’re going to start seeing other people (and you suggest she does, too). Then try to remain calm and resolute as her beautiful eyes bulge and water and her lovely lips tremble as she starts to cry. Duck as she tries to slap you, and/or throws things at you. Stick to your guns and answer all of her screams of “why?!” with “Because I want to start seeing other people.” (Normally after that first “why?” women come right back with “But why?!” and I’ll say “Because I do.” And hopefully it’ll stop there. Hopefully. She’ll probably keep screaming “Why?!?!?!” until you break out the actual, definitive reason: you’re bored with her. That’s it, isn’t it? If you’ve got a different reason, feel free to break it out.) Now tell her “Look, you haven’t done anything wrong, and neither have I. I know you, I like you, I still want to date you. I’ve just met some people I’d like to get to know better, and I’m going to be upfront about it.” (If she’s still throwing things at you, you might want to step out for a while, and deliver this message later on, over the phone or her answering machine.) “So you want us to break up, right?” She says, once she’s calmed down (48 hours to a week later). “Break up? No, not unless you want to break up. In fact, I was just calling to see if you want to see a movie tonight…” Voila! There you have it. 174

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What usually happens next is that your first girl seems to accept this new arrangement, perhaps paying for a date and/or treating you to a night of back-cracking sexual overtures you didn’t know she was capable of. (This is designed to beat down her new competition and make her your top box-office draw once again). Then you won’t hear from her for a while (she’s checking out what new options are available in Guyville), but you won’t notice because you’re seeing somebody else. Then perhaps once a week you’ll get a ‘booty call’ from your original girl (there’s no ‘date’ per se, she just wants to come over, or she wants you to come over & take care of business). Then you won’t hear from her at all, but you’ll probably see her with a new guy. That is the point where you’ll probably feel like she did when you announced you were going to start seeing other people. If you can manage it, don’t get jealous. It’s not easy but it is simple. Remind yourself that you saw something cool in this girl, it’s only natural that some other guy would too, and she has all the rights that you do. Hopefully, one shining day we’ll all treat each other as people, not as possessions. (Anecdote #11: Oddly, there was a time one of my girlfriends—a live-in girlfriend, mind you—gave me this ‘we ought to start seeing other people’ rap. Having previously ripped out all the ‘jealous’ bones in my body, I said “Sure,” and quickly made a date with one of the girls from work that had caught my eye. Then, later that same night, my original girlfriend said “Hey, that new Mike Myers film is coming out tomorrow…” I said “I know. One of the girls from work is taking me to see it.” She looked at me like I’d just shot her in the ass with a poison dart. “Whaaat?!” I frowned at her. “What? You said we ought to start seeing other people!” “I didn’t MEAN it!” She shrieked. 175


“Then why did you say it?” I asked, genuinely confused. “Because—because—ummmmm…” End Anecdote.) A few of you horndogs are thinking Yeah, dat’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout, this is gonna be my new lifestyle, I’m gonna get it goin’ on!!!” Apparently thinking that this is some gigolo’s cakewalk with all of the pleasure and none of the responsibility. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Yeah, right. There can be a righteous amount of shagging for a while, but in reality these relationships don’t last forever. Eventually either you or the girls will tire of the balancing act, or you might go broke, or your subconscious may eventually prefer one girl over the other. More often, one of the girls will simply demand exclusivity, or it’s over. It’s not the end of the world. Just remember that honesty is the best policy, and you’ve nothing to fear. Here’s what happens when you practice dishonest Polyamory, more widely known as ‘cheating’…

Inter-lewd: A Fable Once upon a time there was a Head. It was alive, normal-looking, with average intelligence, but it didn’t have a body. It constantly thought “Wow, I wish I had a torso.” It constantly thought that, wished that, and prayed that, until God finally noticed and Shazam, gave it a Torso. Now the Head had a normal-looking Torso, but it still couldn’t move. It constantly thought “Wow, I wish I had legs.” It constantly thought that, wished that, and prayed that, until God finally noticed and Shazam, gave it Legs. Now the Head had a Torso and Legs, and it could move, but without arms it couldn’t really manipulate objects. So it constantly walked around thinking “Wow, I wish I had arms.” It constantly thought that, wished that, and prayed that, until it didn’t pay attention 176

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to where it was walking and stepped in front of a Mack Truck and got crushed into a gory, bleeding rag (whoops, there goes the horror writer again…). And the moral of the story IS (drum roll, please!): Quit while you’re a Head!! Hilarious, right? Thanks, I know. Now for my point: Once you’ve got a girlfriend, quit while you’re ahead!!! Simple, right? Thanks, I know. Now for my explanation: There are ‘dry spells’ in every bachelor’s life when it seems like women in general simply don’t notice you, even when you seem surrounded by them. You try new approaches and actions and philosophies and clothes and hairstyles trying to make them notice you, but it seems like nothing works. Lonely days and weeks crawl by until you’re on the verge of joining a religious cult, and then Shazam, you meet a girl who becomes your new girlfriend. A micro-second later, guess who starts noticing you! That’s right, all those other women. Not only do they notice you, but they are oh so friendly, inviting and appealing (It’s kind of like being rescued from a barren deserted island by a cruise ship with an all-you-can-eat buffet). Why they choose to suddenly notice you now, when you’re not available—or at least shouldn’t be—is one of those eternal mysteries. Some of the more popular theories are A) Wanting something they can’t have, B) Somebody else thinks you’re hot property, therefore you are hot property, C) You’ve found a huge pile of money someplace, D) Some weird ‘misery-loves-company’ desire to break up another’s relationship, E) All of the above. It’s said that wearing a wedding ring produces similar results. Strangely, sometimes I’ve started getting noticed even though I didn’t tell anyone I had a new girlfriend! This led me to believe that being in a relationship changes your aura, or if you don’t believe in auras, it subtly changes your behavior and mannerisms in a way that you don’t notice but everyone else does. Whatever the reason for this mass female come-on, it brings with 177


it an eruption of temptation that most men find hard to resist…especially when one or two of the ‘new’ girls seem betterlooking than your girlfriend. We aren’t getting companionship or massages or home-cooked meals or bj’s from them—like we are with our girlfriends, hint hint! They just seem better-looking, and they’re noticing us now. So, drunk with the mistaken belief that we’re irresistible lovegods, we jump into this bubbling hot-tub of estrogen that’s suddenly been opened to us, and instead of using an honest Polyamoric approach, we cheat on our girlfriends. She finds out about it (they almost always do). She dumps you, possibly spreading the word that you’re a nogood, two-timing son of a whore. The girl(s) you’ve cheated on her with no longer seem quite so appealing—or they no longer find you quite so appealing. So you’re no longer with them, either…and Shazam! You’re back in one of those damnable bachelor’s dry spells, where women simply don’t notice you. So once again, if you can’t practice honest Polyamory, once you’ve got a girlfriend, quit while you’re ahead!

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Part Three: The Care & Feeding Of Girlfriends

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You know you really have a girlfriend when… (The Sacred Signs) So! The same girl agreed to go out with you more than two or three times! You Go, boy! When you get more comfortable with her, you’ll find yourselves spending more time together naturally. Calling each other more often, with some regularity. Dropping by unannounced and neither of you mind, in fact happy to see each other. Congratulations! You can relax now, hang up your sniper-scope, there’s no need to patrol the bars and strip clubs. For the moment you have a steady supply of companionship, conversation and rollin’and-a-tumblin’. “But wait!” You say. “I’ve been seeing the same girl for over a month and she still doesn’t act like my girlfriend. How do I really know we’re in a relationship?” Ah, excellent question. There have been several times I’ve felt the same way, taking the same girl out over and over again but for some reason never really getting to know her, never knowing where I stood, perhaps having sex but the passion was suspect. This has led to my discovery of a (thankfully rare) subspecies of women that I call remoras. In ichthyology, remoras are parasitic fish that cling to sharks and eat the scraps of their kills. In human terms, remoras are girls that like to be taken out, but don’t particularly care who takes them out. Remoras are good when there’s a couples-only function and you need a date, but they’re really not relationship material. You will know you have a girlfriend when you see one of The 180

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Sacred Signs: She calls You. Yep! Ever notice a slight change: you’re calling her incessantly for a month or so, then suddenly she’s calling you all the time? Ah ha! Pat yourself on the back; this means you’ve gotten past her initial checkpoints.

She invites you over to her place. This is not necessarily a “Guaranteed Shag”, but it is a genuine symbol of trust and a sign you’re getting warmer/closer. It is also cooler to wait for a woman to invite you over than it is for you to suggest “How about we go over to your place?” While we’re about it, here are some things to keep in mind: 9 Wipe your freakin’ feet off before entering, whether she notices or not. 9 Ask if there’s a place to hang your coat, if you have one. Don’t just throw it anywhere. 9 All of her furnishings, decorations, pets, et cetera are automatically Great, Beautiful, really Nice, and Cool. If something’s actually hideous to you, refer to it as Interesting. 9 Ask Permission before touching anything delicate or valuable, turning on any appliance, using the phone, taking a drink or even using the bathroom. 9 While using her bathroom, do a ‘courtesy flush’ to mask any embarrassing defecation noises. After using the bathroom, leave the toilet seat down. (Yeah, I know it takes the same meager energy to place it up or down, but she’s probably so used to having it left down she won’t even look first and just dunk her whole cooch in stank, chilly water.) Also, spray a bit of cologne around it after using the bathroom. 9 If she cooks anything for you, don’t look at it and say “What 181


happened there?” 9 Don’t ask to spend the night, even on the couch, unless you’re too drunk to drive. Let her call the shots. Generally “Do you want to stay over” means on the couch, whereas “Do you want to sleep with me” is a Guaranteed Shag. However, if you do end up having sex with her, it’s fifty times classier to sleep beside her and leave in the morning than to leap off of her afterwards, dress with lightning speed and bail out five minutes later…hell, you might as well throw some money at her while you’re at it.

She Leaves ‘The Boomerang’. It’s flattering, and kind of amusing why women do this, but I don’t know why they resort to it. Actually, I think most women aren’t even aware they do it. A ‘boomerang’ is any personal item of a woman’s that she leaves at your place. Quick! Look around! Whose bra was that? Wasn’t your umbrella black? Did you really order that Victoria’s Secret Catalogue? If you don’t recognize it as yours, and it looks like an item of some worth, chances are it’s a Boomerang. She’ll be back for it, and by extension, she’ll be back for you. (Once a girl left a rather expensive ring at my apartment; an obvious boomerang. I felt a bit mischievous, so I hid it and waited until she searched in vain for it the next time she came over.) She asked “Was there a ring on this table?” I replied “A gold ring with a cross made out of emeralds?” She brightened. “Yeah! That’s it.” I said “Oh. Yeah, it was there…I knew it wasn’t mine, so I pawned it. That’s where I got the money to take us out tonight…” Her patented four-octave scream broke out. “Youuuu Whaaaat?!?!?!” I smiled and held it up. “Just kidding.” The Boomerang: watch for it! 182

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She Buys You Stuff. All-right! Got it made now! This could also mean her taking you out when you’re broke. I had a really weird relationship once with this beautiful, rich, super-genius career woman who was crazy about me, but hated men in general, who would only let my hands penetrate her, but would give oily hand jobs from heaven. The escalating weirdness made me draw back from her somewhat, and then Bam! In the space of three weeks she bought me a house plant, two silk ties, two dress shirts, some cologne, a case of cake mix (?), and a set of Bugs Bunny tumblers. I got the feeling that she meant well, so I went back to her. This is great, but it does have its drawbacks: you, Galahad, are not immune to becoming spoiled. And secondly, she could do a 180 on you and say “What have you done for ME lately?” (Uh-oh.) But take it light, thank her and enjoy it, ‘cause this is a sign that she wants your little heinie.

You Get To Meet Her Kid(s)! Here we are at “Social Checkpoint Number Two”! (If you’re wondering what “Social Checkpoint Number One” was, it was the first night you met her when she was out with her girlfriends and her girlfriends didn’t greet you with snorts of derisive laughter and pet names like ‘Unibrow’ or ‘Drool Boy’. They secretly passed judgment on you in the Ladies’ Room, and only then were you rewarded with her phone number.) Meeting her kids! Yay! Fun, right? Well, get used to it, pal, because probably one-quarter of the women you’ll be meeting from this point on will be single mothers. The sheer amount of single mothers these days precludes me from discriminating against them; Indeed, one of the first questions I’ll ask a woman over twenty-five is “So, how many kids do you have?” The cool single mothers make it a point to let you know that they are single mothers early on; others let you find out arbitrarily. In any event, you’ll have to meet her little anklebiters sometime. A few 183


pointers: Be nice to them. If you can, find out how old they are beforehand, you might want to bring the little tyke a toy to let him or her know that you’re not the Phantom Stranger Kidnapping Mommy. Maybe you are, but this is a helpful smokescreen. Nothing too expensive, toxic or violent, and don’t bring one every time you come over or the kid’ll start saying “Hi, Steve, where’s my Transformer?” They’re her kids. Don’t yell at them. If and when you marry her, that will be the time you can be her fun & sadistic tag-team partner in punishment. Until then, even if they’re burning the house down around you, your answer to everything should be “Hey, they’re your kids, Cheryl” or whoever. I can sense the loss of divorced fathers when I’m at a girl’s place and her kid is still up at 11:00 and looking at me like I’m some sort of Celestial Referee who’ll stop time and do whatever the kid says…generally letting the kid stay up ‘til midnight. I have since learned the All-Purpose Bachelor’s Incantation: “Do What Your Mother Tells You!!!” (“Now!/Please!”) Normally those two intensifiers, when properly spoken, do the work for you. You sound cool & authoritative, but you shift all the responsibility to your chosen girl. Don’t touch the kids any more than you have to. If you have to drag them out of the way of a car, that’s fine. But in our current police state, even an all-in-fun match of pretend karate or wrestling—that the kid initiates!—can make a nosy neighbor point the finger at you for child abuse. Clank! You’re gone. Rights? What rights? We’ve got to protect the Children!!! Don’t talk ‘down’ to the kids or lie to them. They’re normally smarter than you think, and whatever you tell them will get back to her. Tell ‘em the truth: you’re a friend of Mom’s, she makes you happy and you want to make her happy. Simple, but true. Try not to muff-dive her in front of the kids, either, although I’m sure she’ll have some irritating rule about that, anyway. 184

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Her kids are not ‘the enemy’, either. They didn’t ask to be born, but here they are, and she will choose them over you 99 1/2% of the time. In the event that her kids are howling, rampaging servants of Satan, you’ve got to face the facts that they’re a package deal with comes with your girl. I find that in most cases kids are cute, funny, and add a challenging “What The Hell Do I Do Now?” aspect to the relationship…and they can let you experience your second childhood by deliberately throwing no-hitters at them (“Awwwww! Missed it again, did ya—“).

You Get To Meet Mom & Dad! Oh, Joy! Aren’t you excited now?! Yeah, it’s a little cringeinducing, but it’s inevitable, especially if you want to really cement a relationship with a woman. So do it. Put on a tie and prove you’re a genius-level millionairein-training, utterly respectable. If you approach the meeting with Mom & Dad as a job interview, you can’t go wrong…because it actually is a job interview, for the coveted position of The Guy Who Gets To Touch Our Daughter Without Getting Shot. The prevailing thought running through most guy’s heads before these meetings is I’m not going to be good enough. Tragically, this thought is also correct. Even if you’re a brain surgeon. The only guy ‘good enough’ for Daddy’s Little Girl is a eunuch. So don’t worry about ‘being good enough’, just try to be sober & polite. To score some points, bring some sort of gift for her Mom & Dad…try to find out from your girlfriend beforehand what they’re into; otherwise some flowers for the ol’ lady and a dessert for the old man should at least get him to put down the shotgun. It’s also in your best interest to find out beforehand what your girlfriend has told them about you! Otherwise you may find yourself doing some rather uncomfortable conversational gymnastics. “Uhhh…yeah, I was in the Marines…for a little while…I served under, umm, Sergeant Rock of Easy Company. This was before my 185


Master’s class in hug therapy.” Now, I’ve already stood by my belief that any employment is good enough. But you may think that your occupation’s not going to be good enough for Mom and Dad. If you require a bit of ‘spin control’, try: K.K.’s Handy-Dandy “Job Transformation Kit” You’re not selling weed…you’re a Hydroponic Technician. You’re not selling Ecstasy…you’re a Pharmaceutical

Representative. You’re not returning empties…you’re a Recycling Manager. You’re not a male stripper…you’re a Recreational Therapist. You’re not a Mob enforcer…you’re a Motivational Speaker. You’re not a Mover…you’re an Interior Designer. You’re not a garbageman…you’re an Environmentalist. You’re not a bookie…you’re a Financial Advisor. You’re not a pimp…you’re a Recruiter. You’re not a porno-theatre seat cleaner…you’re an Upholsterer. You’re not unemployed…you’re an Actor, Writer, or Comic. You’re not a telemarketer…you’re Unemployed. All joking aside—including the movie of the same name—I find Meeting The Parents almost the easiest thing in the world. Most parents are overjoyed their daughter’s dating someone of the opposite sex who’s employed and doesn’t have Born To Lose tattooed on their hands. Most times we’ve all become friends and learned a lot from each other. Sound interested in Dad’s accomplishments, praise Mom’s cooking and décor, describe your career without boasting, crack a few clean jokes, repeat how wonderful their daughter is, and offer to clean up the dinner plates. There you have it. Presto! You’re The Man! 186

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It’s actually when you hold out and don’t meet her parents that they’ll start imposing on your relationship. “So, where’s that ‘alleged’ boyfriend of yours? Off running guns to the Mexican mob? What’s he got to hide, anyway?” There may be times when Meeting The Parents is not the easiest thing in the world. During these times, take some comfort in the fact that it’s not necessarily a reflection on her! So what if Mom’s talking to invisible friends and Dad’s re-living the Korean War inside his skull. It doesn’t mean she does, right? A few other times you may find yourself greeted by The Overprotective Dad (and/or The Overprotective Brother). These ogres love to ask pointed questions while oiling chainsaws at the dinner table. But—HaHA!—this neanderthal show of force only works if she’s under the age of consent! (And your girlfriend is over the age of consent…Right?) If your girlfriend’s over the age of consent, all the hostility, suspicion and pointed questions in the world will only act in your favor: the worse they treat you, the more mad she gets at them, and thus she gets even closer to you and even more eager to please, because she knows it pisses them off! Here’s a good conversation between The Overprotective Dad, Your Humble Servant, and what Your Humble Servant is actually thinking. “So, where’d you two meet?” “At a charity fundraiser.” (“Actually, she saw me dumpster-diving behind Trader Vic’s. It was a magical night; some of the spare ribs had barely been touched.”) “You haven’t had sex yet, have you?” “Sir, we’ve really just started getting to know each other.” (“You’re kidding, right? She had to take me ‘Around The World’ just to get me to agree to meet you.”) “Good—‘Cause ya know, Laura’s very special to us.” “Obviously. I thought she was special the first time I saw her.” 187


(“Really, I thought those legs of hers could break a bull’s back.”) “I had to chase a guy out of here, once.” “Really?” (“How far did you get before you doubled over, Lardass? Fifty feet?”) “He just didn’t show no respect.” “That’s too bad.” (“That’s ‘didn’t show any respect’, Malaprop.”) “Laura thinks you’re okay, though..” “Good. The feeling’s mutual.” (“Probably because I can change a tire with my tongue.”) “So, what did you say you did again?” “I’m a Recreational Therapist.” (“I was a gigolo, but now I prefer the term ‘low-cost provider’.) “Ya wouldn’t be lying to me, now, would ya?” “Sir, my intentions are completely honorable. But with all due respect, if you say one more thing that implies I’m not, I’m out of here, and you can find someone to take out Laura.” (“And I never lie. I use selective communication.”) “Uh…pass the brussel sprouts, then..” Fortunately, this has only happened once. But once you’ve Met The Parents, congratulations, you’ve passed all her Social Checkpoints. These are the tops, but there are…

Other Sacred Signs: You screw up hideously, but she forgives you. She lets you borrow her car. She cooks dinner for you (or anything at all). She lets you into her place, even at two a.m. She asks you to do her a favor when it’s something she could have obviously asked anyone else to do. She compliments you. She asks your opinion or advice on matters that normally wouldn’t concern you. She becomes irritated when you’re in the presence of other women (or talk to them, or even mention female names). 188

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There are more, but if you find yourself having regular sex with a girl you like, you might not even notice them, or care if you do. Now, back to The Relationship itself. In his best selling book Looking Out For Number One, Robert J. Ringer wrote that the best relationship, or possibly the only real relationship, is a “Rationally Selfish Value-For-Value Relationship.” He holds that relationships are a common bond formed by two people who each want something from the other, and the only way to get it is to interact with each other. If you strip away the chrome of your own relationships, you might agree with him, as I did. Since everyone’s different, I can’t conjure up any magical formula to make YOUR relationship with your woman perfect and everlasting. I can, however, give some time-tested advice:

You will not be the only man in her life. Try as you might, you cannot be all things to her. She will have relatives, teachers, coworkers, friends, et cetera. Though you might like to, you cannot kill all of them. Becoming irrationally jealous—for instance, punching out a waiter for mentioning “breast of (something)” during the specials, or commanding her not to take a certain job, or class, just because there are ‘too many guys’ there—is almost guaranteed to drive her into the arms of some other guy: it provokes the defensive reaction of “He can’t tell me what to do!” (If this doesn’t seem right, imagine your feelings if she says you can’t attend a friend’s bachelor party.) However: Rational jealousy, also known as ‘caring’, is both expected and appreciated by your woman. If some cretin hits on her, give a cool, civilized warning to back off, then a ferocious beatdown otherwise. If she says “Hey, look, my ex is giving a poetry reading tomorrow night”, respond with “Good for him. Too bad I’ll be fucking your brains out.”

If you care about her, show it! Don’t take her for granted! If 189


women have one justifiable complaint about us, this is probably it. If and when a woman walks out on you, this is probably why, unless you’ve been unfaithful. And I guarantee you, when that happens, all the minute flaws you saw in her will quickly disintegrate in the face of all the good times you had, and the entropy that follows. “Show it how? I don’t want to marry her (yet/I don’t think)…” You ask. Well, that’s easy. All you have to do is do something nice for her every time you see her. I don’t mean shower her with gold & gifts, just do something nice for her. This could be a rose, a compliment, offering to wash her car, cooking her a meal, anything. In 80% of the relationships I’ve known (not just mine), a pattern seems to emerge. Basically, you wine her, dine her, and eventually 69 her, and decide you want to hang onto her. So you do…but eventually the wining and dining stops, or at least slows to a crawl, and you pretty much end up going over to each other’s apartments for videos, food and sex. Perhaps this is Male Nirvana. Nevertheless, I urge you to still wine and dine her (You can always 69 her at this point) at least once a month. Who among you can’t afford that?

Keep those orgasms coming, heh heh heh. If you can really satisfy a woman (and you can, and it’s easy and I’ll show you how later), she’ll stick like glue, unless you turn the other 70% of your relationship into a searing private hell. Assume the responsibility for the relationship. This is usually automatic, because you, Mighty Hunter That You Are, have already initiated the relationship. In most cases, we meet the women, ask them out, take ‘em here and there and say when and where. Sadly, all the women can control is when they feel like having sex, and when they feel like breaking up. From my experience, if you let the woman assume the responsibility for the relationship—at least the non-married part of it--it probably won’t last. The m.c.d. has shown that most women, particularly American women, want their men to be leaders. Not 190

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tyrants bossing them around, you understand, but to set the pace and make the majority of the decisions. (How do I know this? Easy. Ask your girlfriend what she wants to do, and count the number of times she replies “Whatever you want to do.” Allrightee then, let’s go skydiving naked!) As you get more comfortable with each other, she’ll naturally become more assertive, wanting more input & consideration, et cetera. But if you’re always requiring her opinion on everything, or needing her blessing on every course of action before making a decision, and/or constantly saying “if that’s okay with you, sweetheart”, she’s apt to lose respect for you quickly. Similarly, if you let her make all the decisions, she’ll eventually feel you’re irresponsible, unmotivated or uncaring…leaving you holding up a big neon sign reading please walk all over me. Clue in to reality that there are times you’re going to have to tell her no to some things, and a lot of those times you’d rather jump off a bridge than say no to her. But it’s a thousand times better to say no—when you’re right, and you clearly communicate why you’re right—than to cave in, say yes when you shouldn’t, and end up holding a grudge against her. Will she get mad if you tell her no in some cases? Of course. Will she get over it eventually? Yes. At least, she’d better get over it, if she doesn’t want to ride that Midnight Train to Dumpsville. Hang on a minute, some tie-dyed guy in the back’s raising his hand…Yes? “But don’t women deserve equal rights?” He asks. Absolutely. In every court of law, in every place of employment, in every one of our social institutions, women are our absolute equals. However, within their personal relationships with the opposite sex, they want to be treated like ladies. Any way you slice it, ladies receive preferential treatment but they don’t ‘wear the pants in the family’.

Back her up. Support her career decisions (unless it’s to get into pornographic films that don’t include you). Encourage her when she 191


needs encouragement. Give her a sense of confidence, empathize with her problems, give her advice when it’s warranted and it won’t blow up in her face (however, try to discern the times when she really wants advice and the times she just wants a sympathetic ear. Most times it’s the latter), let her cry on your shoulder when she needs to. Tell her she can do anything she puts her mind to, and watch her eyes light up!

Stay hungry yourself, for more self-improvement, knowledge, achievement, wealth, power (more power, Scotty!)…just get O.D.’d on Life Itself! And include her wherever possible, to the extent she wants to be included. (“Babe, I’m taking flying lessons. You want to get in on it with me?”) Or don’t. Turn into a withdrawn, boring, anti-social couch slouch and see what happens. The m.c.d. of women want to believe they’ve hooked up with a rising star, not chained to a meteor that’s crashing and burning.

Reduce (or eliminate altogether) your reliance on her. Actually, in this tricky world, I’d suggest reducing your reliance on anyone but yourself. We’ve all known people who’ve relied on their loved ones, their employers, their government, whatever, only to be left high and dry…when they didn’t have to be, if they’d relied on themselves first and foremost. Most times there’s no malice involved; Murphy’s Law just went into effect and they didn’t receive the help they felt entitled to. In terms of our personal relationships, we feel that if we can’t rely on the person we’re closest to, we can’t rely on anyone. Before you get devastated, read this: Anything less than God will eventually let you

down. Come to think of it, read it again: Anything less than God will

eventually let you down. Does that statement horrify you? Or does it enlighten you, as it 192

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should? Anecdote: One of my all-time favorite bands, one that I thought had broken up a long time ago, had reunited and was coming to my town on tour. I was ecstatic, I couldn’t wait. I was foaming at the mouth to get tickets, and my then-girlfriend said “I’ll get the tickets…it’ll be your birthday present.” I asked “Are you sure? That’d be really nice of you, but I think I should get ‘em…you could get me a t-shirt at the show, that’d be just as cool.” She said, “No, I’m getting the tickets, that’s final.” “Oh, okay then, thanks a lot.” She did indeed buy the tickets, and kept them in her wallet, and the day of the concert she was burglarized and her wallet taken. As the concert was conveniently before payday, I could only sit there stunned as I realized I wasn’t going to see the band I’d waited a decade to see. I’d had a good month of paydays beforehand, any one of which would’ve enabled me to pick up a spare pair of tickets just in case. My girlfriend was crushed with guilt, practically in tears. I was seething with an impotent rage that I couldn’t direct at her, but I could easily aim at myself; I had relied on my girlfriend to do something I should have done myself. (Luckily, at the last minute a friend came through with an emergency loan for the ticket money, and everything was cool). I can unload a few more depressing anecdotes of reliance’s gone horribly wrong—including just as many where someone had relied on me and I hadn’t been able to come through—but that would darken the cheery, zany tone I wanted this book to have. The major point is when you rely on your girlfriend, you give her an obligation that you don’t have to. You feel relief if she comes through (or perhaps a dangerous assumption that ‘since she came through this time, she’ll come through all the time’), you feel rage or despair if she doesn’t come through, and even though it might not have been her fault, you can’t help but link the experience to her. She 193


feels miserable, ashamed and untrustworthy because she’s let you down, and perhaps a little angry that she got put in this position. Consciously, you sweep it under the rug. Subconsciously, you hold a grudge. Your beautiful, priceless one-of-a-kind Ming Vase of a relationship now has a crack in it. Obviously, your girlfriend will rely on you for some things. In the name of chivalry & decency, I suggest you do what you can, when you can…but if you sense she’s relying on you to do something for her that’s really important, offer a quick reality check. Say “Sweetheart, I’m going to do this ‘cause I love you. I feel this is something you should be taking care of yourself, but I’m willing to do it this time. If anything goes wrong, remember you had the opportunity to do it yourself.” She might get miffed by your saying that, but it should stick a pin in her sense of personal responsibility…and it’s better than not saying it and letting her rely on you for more and more, until something that can go wrong does go wrong. For your part, rely on your girlfriend as little as possible. Rely on her to pick up some stamps? By all means. Rely on her to mail your car payment for you? Think again. Murphy’s out there. Now then, let’s review. For a cool relationship:

Realize you can’t be the only man in her life. Admit to Rational Jealousy, not Irrational Jealousy. Give her one compliment every time you see her. Do something nice for her once a week. Give her some kind of present (or a cool date) once a month. Keep those orgasms coming. Assume the responsibility for the relationship. Back her up (support her decisions, etc.). Stay hungry (practice continuous self-improvement). Reduce or eliminate your reliance on her. For those of you that require it (for example, you’re just now coming out of cryogenic suspension), here’s a convenient list of… 194

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Things Women Love/Hate Although times have changed, for women the ideal of the White Knight is still very much alive. As mentioned earlier, female ideals of love, romance and sexuality are still based on emotional stimuli rather than physical stimuli. For proof, compare the number of men’s skin magazines to women’s skin magazines. Therefore, women love…(in no particular order) Flowers (Roses, wildflowers, just about anything not wilted. Note that red roses mean love, yellow roses mean you’re sorry, white roses mean friendship. It’s also said that you shouldn’t give a woman carnations, but I’ve never met a woman who wasn’t appreciative when receiving any type of flowers.) Candlelight (Automatically sets a romantic mood, and enhances feminine beauty.) Sweets (Boxed chocolates in particular, but use sparingly so she won’t think you’re trying to fatten her up. I’m serious.) Jewelry (They seldom turn it down.) Stuffed Animals (These are still ‘cute’ even if she’s 40.) Poetry (Especially if you wrote it.) Furs/Clothes (Silks, lace, etc., but fake furs are cooler than the real thing.) Shoes (Who the hell knows why, though.) Cards/Calls/Notes that you’re thinking of her. (If you can get these to rhyme, so much the better…that way, they automatically become ‘poetry’.)

Dancing Massages Fires (In a fireplace, not your car. Bonfires work too.) Fine Dining (Or decent meals you cooked yourself.) Perfumes Long scenic walks (Beaches or parks are best.) Sincere compliments (“You’re staggeringly beautiful”, etc.) 195


Elegant (or at least clean) Surroundings Heart-to-heart talks (Where you actually talk & listen.) Breakfast in bed Repairs of things they’ve broken Puppies, kittens, other cuddly critters (However, make sure she’s an animal lover & really wants a pet before you give her the real thing. Otherwise a calendar, poster, photo or statue might work better.) And this, of course, is the beginning. Notice that not all of these cost money, so you don’t have to bombard her with luxuries to show her you care. Freg Zam Pull… Back at UF, the only money I had was a $100 monthly stipend from ROTC. I was seeing a very rich girl who probably wouldn’t have been impressed with anything I could cough up on that, but she was extremely appreciative when she woke up in my apartment covered with flowers and with breakfast in bed right next to her. A friend of mine, Lloyd, was driving a young lady home when they passed some wildflowers growing on the side of the road. He pulled over, picked some for her, put on a tape of one of her favorite songs, and they danced by the headlights. Logan found out what his girlfriend’s favorite songs were, and put them all on a CD with artwork he’d created himself. On the other side of the coin (uh oh), women hate: Communication Breakdowns (2-6 days when they don’t hear from you. An innocent phone call saying “Hi, just callin’ to see how you were” works wonders.) When we don’t clean up (Even if it’s your house!)

Us flirting with other women Being stood up (Not showing up for a date. A yellow rose and/or a good excuse might fix this. Slap me, but when Karen said she hated “being stood up”, I thought she meant being dragged out of bed in the morning.)

Being told how expensive a date was 196

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Putdowns about her height, weight, body or family Being relentlessly ordered around (Does anyone like it?) Irrational jealousy (“Don’t just look at him, go fuck him! Yeah, you’re lookin’ at him, I know, don’t tell me you’re not”—you get the idea.) Embarrassment (Being groped in public, etc.)

Unsolicited advice or suggestions when she just wants you to listen instead (For example: She comes home and reels off a tragic monologue about how lousy her job is. This is not a cue for you to solve all of her problems, it’s a cue to be a sympathetic ear. Just say “Really? (Pause, let her talk) And then what happened? (Pause, let her continue) Mmm-Hmmm. (Pause, let her continue) You don’t say! (Pause, etc.)” I don’t want to stereotype women as ‘chatterboxes’, because there’s actually a reason they beat a subject to death: She’s actually psychologically ‘working out her problem’ by relating it to you. The time to give advice is when she actually asks you for it.

Getting rushed into sex Not being held after sex (Even worse is ‘The Great Escape’, where you get your orgasm, climb off her, wipe yourself, get dressed and split.) Sticking prongs in their faces in hope of a blowjob (If they want to give one, they will. This is dangerous.) Holding their heads down when they do give a blowjob. Physical abuse (Absolutely needless and pathetic. So what if abused women cling to their tormentors? There is nothing lower than an abuser.)

Getting lost and not asking for directions Leaving the toilet seat up (I’ve never understood why they can’t physically put the seat down themselves, but I’ve given up trying to ‘fight city hall’.) This list, like the other, happier one, is in no particular order, and is also a ‘work in progress’. You 40-year-old guys are probably laughing “Is that all you could come up with, snot-nose?” Yeah, that’s 197


it for now, Gramps. Of course, there are always rare exceptions to these lists…for example, my current girlfriend can’t stand chocolate, and a prior girlfriend actually grabbed my hands and made me hold her head down when she gave me a blowjob…but since she was the only girl ever to do that, that’s what you’d call a rare exception.

Nagging/Conflicts/What the f**k is it now?! I’d love to tell you that you could supply all the things on the ‘love’ list and never do any of the things on the ‘hate’ list and have the perfect, peaceful, no-problem relationship. I’d also love to have a menage-atrois with two different Playboy Playmates every night. In reality, you are inevitably bound to have some sort of conflict in your relationship. Albeit, you should have less conflicts than the average relationship if you supply all of the things on the ‘love’ list and never do anything on the ‘hate’ list. A lot of these conflicts are minor, because a lot of them are generated from the most minor shit…”You left the cap off the toothpaste again, you filthy barbarian!” Subsequently, they can be shut down by good-humoredly exaggerating them into ‘major’ shit: “Oh, Merciful God, No! Did I? Quick! Call the Pentagon! Go to DefCon Four! Cancel Christmas! And when you’re done doing that, accept my apologies. Here, I’ll put the cap back on it. Why don’t you chill out with a Danielle Steele novel?” These seemingly relentless minor conflicts…better known as nagging…actually spring from good intentions on her part. If she didn’t care about you, she wouldn’t nag you. If she does nag you, in her mind, she is trying to improve you, and therefore improve the relationship. Working with women most every day, I hear “He’d be so great if he didn’t…(insert pet peeve here)”. Ironically, the reason married men live longer than bachelors is because they’ve got somebody nagging them to stop their dangerous behaviors (such as smoking, drinking to excess, drug use, reckless driving, crazy frat198

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boy stunts, picking up diseased hookers, etc.)! Where the conflict comes in is your viewpoint that the relationship doesn’t need improving. You’re okay, she’s okay, you’re having regular sex with her, and she makes a damned good pot roast once in a while. Voila, a perfect relationship, except for all that freakin’ nagging… Short of lobotomizing her, what can you do? First of all, keep in mind that she’s trying to make things better. Secondly, here are some options:

Grin and bear it. Realize she means well, say “yes, dear”, appease her, and accept this as part and parcel of being in a relationship.

Argue right back. Sometimes you’ve got a damned good reason why you’re doing (or not doing) what she’s nagging about. Obviously, she doesn’t know what it is, or she wouldn’t be nagging you. State your reason as best you can, making sure to talk lower in volume than she does (This is an old Disney trick for calming infuriated guests; invariably the louder person realizes they’re coming off looking childish & rude, so the quieter person invariably ‘wins’), but still audibly. Hopefully you’ll make your point and win, but don’t be surprised if she mysteriously has a sudden headache when you’re ready to play grab-ass later. She’ll come out of it in about 48 hours when she realizes Hey, waitaminute, I’M not getting laid, either. Scare her out of her mind. Whenever she nags you, detonate and unleash a hundred-decibel verbal counterattack, such as “Shut your endlessly bitching pie-hole now, and don’t ever nag me again!!!” This option is bold, decisive and manly, but sometimes works too well: she never nags you again because you never see her again, after she runs for her life. So this is better used as a ‘last resort’. (A more subtle, but just as scary strategy is what I call ‘The Claw’: my girl starts bitching until I hold up a forefinger. Then I hold up another finger next to that one, then the next, until all my fingers are up. I 199


then gather them together into a kind of ‘cone’, then make a circle with the thumb and forefinger of my free hand, then shove the ‘cone’ through the circle and keep going until my wrist is past it. The unspoken message thus formed is calm down before I shove all of these you know where. It works like a charm normally, but when I did it to Robin she said “Bring it on!” And I thought ‘Oh, no, I’ve created a monster…’) Split. “What’d you say? All right, I’m going out, I’ll be back later…maybe. Don’t wait up.” Slam! And off you go. Come back later, and she may have chilled out, or at least rephrased her nagging into something a bit more calmer, sweeter or rational. A lot of women say they can’t stand this, it makes a man seem “evasive”, “non-confrontational”, “uncommunicative” or “(insert your huge adjective here)”. But since women also don’t like to be shouted at, argued with or slapped around, this is a better alternative than any of those. The downside of ‘splitting’ is that it only buys you a bit of time; when you come back (assuming she wants you back!), the issue still remains unsolved. In any event, do not go out, drink fifteen boilermakers, come home sloshed and expect her to start rubbing your back, cooing apologies. If anything, you ought to come back in better shape than when you left. Go to the gym and get pumped up (and showered), or buy a new set of clothes. Come back looking fly. Better still, you can use the time away from her to do something even better…

Write a letter. Not an e-mail, a letter. Ever try to argue with a letter? It doesn’t work very well, does it? Write down your argument, but word it in a caring, loving manner. Here are some key phrases to use: “I hate to see that frown messing up your beautiful face.” “Let’s put this behind us.” “You know I wouldn’t bring it up if I didn’t care about you.” 200

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“I had to write this down, because you’ve got an unfair advantage when we talk face to face…you’re so damned sexy when you get mad.” “I can’t wait to see you smiling again.” “We’ve had so many great times together, we shouldn’t let this one thing mess us up.” And so forth. The proper wording can make it seem like you’re apologizing when you’re not, you’re just being conciliatory. Of course, if you really did screw up somehow (or if you value peace over self-respect), it wouldn’t hurt to apologize. Give it to her when you get home. If you don’t live together, finish the letter with an invitation to contact you, and leave it on her door. If you’d rather not write a whole lot of these letters in the future…

Give her as few things to nag about as possible. I’ve been relatively fortunate in my relationships not to be nagged very much, but that might be because A) I don’t invite a girl over unless the house looks good; B) I limit the amount of time I spend with a girl—two nights one week, three nights the next week, one night the next week, repeat cycle; C) I ensure time spent with her is ‘quality’ time, where she’s either getting wined, dined, 69ed or all three. I do, however, fall victim occasionally to The Silent Treatment, that’s arguably even worse than being nagged, but I’ve found a few cures for that, too. Pin this up, especially if you have a live-in girlfriend, or she comes over a lot (don’t pin it up at her place). This is a fiendishly clever, yet honest and agreeable, list of…

Helpful Hints For The Ladies In Our Lives 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, put it down. 2. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. If you ever wonder why men don’t like to commit, it’s 201


because the girls men commit to always end up cutting their hair. 3. If you ask a question you don’t really want the answer to, expect an answer that you don’t want to hear. 4. Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it. 5. Don’t ask what we’re thinking unless you’re prepared to discuss monster trucks, the NFL playoffs, or a threesome. 6. When we have to go somewhere, anything you wear is fine. Really. 7. You have enough clothes. 8. You have too many shoes. 9. Crying is blackmail. 10. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot. 11. Learn to ask for what you want. Subtle hints will not work. Strong hints will not work. Obvious hints will not work. Just SAY IT! 12. No, we don’t know what day today is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. 13. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 14. Come to us with a problem only if you actually want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 15. Anything we said or did 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments are null and void after 7 days. 16. If you won’t dress like Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys. 17. If it itches, it will be scratched. 18. If we ask what’s wrong and you say “Nothing”, we’ll act like nothing is wrong. We know you’re not telling the truth; it’s just not worth the hassle. 19. Although we cannot read minds, our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof that we don’t care about you. 20. If we hear from an ex-girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But there’s no need to get excited; the fantasy includes you and her, together. 202

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Personally, I think every girl should receive this list on her first day of high school, but it didn’t exist until recently. Pity. Whatever you do, when conflicts arise—no matter if they’re trivial or huge—you must deal with them then. Do not ‘blow it off’ and think you’ll resolve it later. Do not ‘let her win this time’ just to get a reprieve, or some silence. Deal with it immediately. (Obviously, temper this with logic; if you’re trapped in a burning building, get out of the building first, then resolve the conflict). Why? Because unresolved conflicts become grudges. Each one’s like a brick; our subconscious mind collects them and stacks them until they form a wall against the person that put them there. Eventually, when no more bricks will fit…craaaassshhhh!!! The wall crashes down and you dump all the bricks onto your partner at once! “I’m breaking up with you because you did this in August of 2000, and you did that in January of 2001, and then you said this in 2002!!!” Twice as many relationships are destroyed by pent-up grudges than anything except possibly infidelity.

Communications 101: The Universal Girlfriend Translator Ever get the feeling your girlfriend was saying ONE thing but MEANING something else? That feeling is sometimes right on the money. In those cases, use “The Translator”: What She Says (What She Means) You want We need It’s your decision obvious by now) Do what you want We need to talk Sure…go ahead

(You want) (I want) (The correct decision should be (You’ll pay for this later) (I need to complain) (I don’t want you to) 203


I’m not upset (Of course I’m upset, you moron) You’re so…manly (You need a shave and you sweat a lot) You’re certainly attentive tonight (Is sex all you ever think about?) I’m not emotional!…And I’m not overreacting! (I’m on my period) Be romantic, turn out the lights (I have flabby thighs) This kitchen is so inconvenient (I want a new house) I want new curtains (And carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper) I need wedding shoes (The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white) Hang the picture there (No, I mean hang it There!) I heard a noise (I noticed you were almost asleep) Do you love me? (I’m going to ask for something expensive) How much do you love me? (I did something today you’re really not going to like) I’ll be ready in a minute (Kick off your shoes and find a good game on the TV) Is my butt fat? (Tell me I’m beautiful) You have to learn to communicate (Just agree with me) Are you listening to me?! (Too late, you’re dead) Yes (No) No (No) Maybe (No) I’m sorry (You’ll be sorry) Do you like this recipe? (It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it) I’m not yelling! (Yes I am yelling because I think this is important) All we’re going to buy is a soap dish (After I stop at Shoes, Cosmetics & Linens) 204

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Communications 102: The “No-Win” Question Ever get one of these? If you haven’t yet, you will. These are questions to which there is no right answer (“Why’d you break up with your last girlfriend?”), or there is a right answer but she won’t believe you (“Do these jeans make my butt look fat?”) Handle these however you see fit. One tactic I use is the non sequitur (meaningless statement). She asks a no-win question, I simply say “Lovely day, isn’t it? Look…the flowers are singing, the birds are blooming…” “You didn’t answer me…” I keep going: “Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, Zip-a-dee-yay…” “Answer the question!” “My oh my what a wonderful day…” Eventually she gives up. If she pouts or fumes, I tickle her or have sex with her. However, if I’m feeling particularly uppity, I’ll come back with “Excuse me…is this a job interview?” She’ll obviously say “No…” “Is this a court of law?” “No…” “Then what makes you think I have to answer your question?” Outside of a job interview, a court of law, or a Mafia torture session, I can’t think of a situation in which you have to answer a question.

Communications 103: Avoiding the Silent Treatment My Lord, if there’s one bloody irritating method of punishment & revenge women love to use, it’s The Silent Treatment. You probably already know it. If you haven’t experienced it yet, you will. Luckily, it’s not fatal. 205


You’re in a relationship for a while, and you think things are going wonderfully. Then: Blam. Your girlfriend, who normally chatters nonstop and looks at you with nothing but love and hope and sex and dreams, suddenly cools down and says Nothing. When she does talk it is in clipped, curt sentences and one-word answers. She does not make eye contact and will not come close to you. Normally during The Silent Treatment she will be doing some chore with furious concentration, as if her life depended on it. “What’s wrong, Kim? (or Cathy, Beth, etc.)” You ask. “Nothing.” She hisses. When she says it, move quickly. Grab the word Nothing as it emerges from her mouth, because that particular word is made from a rare substance called Kickyerassium, which has a temperature of Ninety thousand degrees below Zero! Stash it in the freezer; the Air Force will pay big bucks for it. Your girlfriend continues her chore and ignores you. You gradually get the feeling something is wrong. You look at her quizzically. Her eyes say You bet your five-dollar ass something’s

wrong, It’s something you did, I’m not telling you what it is, I’m going to keep this up until you apologize and/or beg my forgiveness. Clueless yet curious, you repeat your inquiry. “Seriously…what is it?” And she will either shake her pretty head in dismissal, or repeat the word “Nothing!” a bit louder and angrier. (Fangs glisten! Blood flows! Whoops, the horror writer slipped out again.) Your morale drops, along with the room temperature, as you gradually realize that something is indeed wrong and (without fast & decisive action) you’re probably not getting laid tonight. First of all, take some comfort in these facts: She’s still there. Your ‘crime’, whatever the hell it is, was not enough to make her leave you. This time. She hasn’t castrated you or burned your house down. Yet. What do you do? The first thing is, try to hold her. Not in a figurefour leg lock, just try to hold her or kiss her. If she lets you hold her or kiss her, you’re clean. She’s pissed, but it not necessarily something you did. 206

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If she backs off, you better go get yourself a drink. Maybe two. Some holy water & a crucifix wouldn’t hurt. Have you still got that Kevlar vest that your crazy survivalist uncle got your for Christmas? Better go dig it up. Luckily, you have some options: 1. Say “Okay, good.” Then take off for an hour or so. Where you go is not really important, but you really ought to be sober when you get back. Here’s the key: when you get back, you’ve got to be happier than a pig in mud! Smile, sing, dance around, blow her a kiss. Either that or laugh. Laugh loud and long, then smile, sing, dance around and blow her a kiss. She’ll probably last six point eight seconds before demanding to know what’s so great (Angry women can’t stand happy men!) Now you’ve got her! Either invent some great occurrence, a friend you’ve met, a joke you’ve heard, a fictional ad for your dream job, or maybe you’ve just o.d.’d on life itself. Or you look her in the eye and say “Oh, Nothing.” And continue to waltz around as happy as can be. Then when she ‘fesses up, deal with it like the compassionate and understanding good old fashioned lover boy that you are. 2. Try to recall everything you did in the last week. If your mental Rolodex is clear, check the calendar to see if you’ve forgotten her birthday, or your anniversary if you’re married (be advised that some women actually count the first time you dated as your ‘anniversary’, even if you’re not married!). Once you’ve selected those things that may have been an affront to her, state your case for doing them, or apologize. This process-of-elimination tactic usually works, but beware! If you crank out too many things you did ‘wrong’, she may suddenly think ‘My God, he IS a cretin, after all!’ and dump you. 3. Try to outlast her. After all, when you asked her if anything was wrong, she did say “Nothing!” So just kick back and relax like 207


nothing ever happened. It’s a long, chilly wait, but you may have more durability than she does. The longer you go without groveling, the angrier she'll get until she explodes in an outburst of hysterical but interesting revelations. Pack the bags, you’re going on a guilt trip. 4. Defuse her with humor and/or absurdities. Say “Is this ‘cause I slept with your sister? I thought you knew all about that. Wait! I know, it’s that time I slept with your brother. I don’t know what to say, he got me drunk…” Or act in your own defense with all the horrible things you could have done but haven’t. “Did I slash your tires? (“Well, no…”) “Did I empty your bank account?” (“No—“) “Did I poison the atmosphere?” (“Ummm, no.”) “Did I invade Russia?” (“What?! No-“) “Then What the f**k is the problem?!” Get ready! 5. The “Peace Through Superior Firepower’ approach: Rant and rave, screaming things like “What? What is it?! You’re gonna talk to me, damn it!!!” If she thinks you may be approaching physical violence, she may ‘fess up. 6. My personal favorite: you refuse to participate. Most women say they ‘can’t stand head games’, but they can’t resist this one! Your humble servant can, though, and so can you. First, you have to make sure you’re both in your house apartment. (Of course you are; in this state you wouldn’t get into her place.) Then you sigh audibly, as if incredibly tired and bored. Then you ask: “Seriously, I’m going to ask you one more time what’s eating you (‘cause it’s sure not gonna be me, if you keep this up).” If she says “Nothing” again, then you say “Good, then you won’t mind leaving.” She will stare back at you with nuclear weaponry blazing in her eyes, and will either say or imply that she IS leaving—for good! (The operative term!)

Don’t back down! Stick to your guns! Whatever she says, your reply is: “Regardless of what you think 208

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right now, I care about you. You have the right to express your emotions, but keeping me in the dark like this is childish and pointless. When you want to talk, I’ll listen. Until then, take care.” This may seem to come off as a vicious ultimatum, but stop and think about it. If she’s going to stay silent, gloomy and resentful, why let it infect both of you? She’s supposed to be the light in your life, not the storm cloud. Some say the way to avoid the silent treatment is simply never to piss her off. That’d be great, but it’s somewhat like never making a mistake. You’re human, and you can’t be expected to walk on eggshells your whole life. If you did something wrong, admit it and apologize. If you didn’t, say so. Believe it or not, we can be ‘guilty’ of The Silent Treatment…without even knowing it! This is because we men actually enjoy a good stretch of silence now and again, but women can’t understand it to save their lives. So you’ll be couching it together, watching a TV show or video (and saying nothing), or you’ll be tangled together after a good session of rollin’ and tumblin’ (again saying nothing). You’re floating in peace and tranquility; she thinks something’s wrong because you haven’t spoken. So it goes like this:

She: “What are you thinking?” You: “Nothin’.” (It’s true; you’re actually thinking of Nothing, and having a damned good time doing it.) She: “No, really, what are you thinking?” You: “Nothing, honey, really!” She: “Something’s wrong, isn’t it? Why don’t you tell me what it is? We should talk about it. We can fix it together!” You: “Honey, the only thing wrong is that you’re asking me what’s wrong when I keep telling you nothing’s wrong!” She: “Okay, fine, you uncommunicative blob! You can just sit there and sulk all night! I’ll be outside, burning you in effigy!!!” You: What the Hell just happened?! 209


Hmmmm! That’s a head scratcher, isn’t it? What to do? Well, for one thing, try to avoid the use of the word ‘nothing’. Try a ‘non-action verb’ instead, like “I’m just Chillin’, baby, everything’s cool.” (Optional verbs: ‘Meditating’, ‘Relaxing’, ‘Peacin’’, ‘Zoning’, etc.) Another tactic, requiring quick thinking on your part, is to have something instantly ready when she asks what you’re thinking or what’s wrong. I’ve already scripted mine. It’s very simple: Vampires. Note how easily the use of the word ‘Vampires’ nips this trapconversation in the bud: She: “What are you thinki—“ You: “Vampires, honey! Bloodsucking creatures of the night are all around us, waiting to catch us off-guard and bleed us whiter than snow! Only you can stop them! That’s right, the authorities are helpless, I’m afraid it’s up to you! You’ve got to get out there, hunt them down and drive a stake through their blackened, evil hearts before sunrise! Hurry!” (There! See how easy that was?) In all seriousness however, far too many of us men are guilty of what I call The Clam Complex. Consider the clam: what part of it’s ‘the good part’? The inside, right? Does our friend the clam willingly give up ‘the good stuff’? Hell no, it stays clammed up, guarding its good stuff within its stony, stubborn shell until somebody comes along with a knife and slashes…whoops, there goes the horror writer again. The Clam Complex is when you do have something on your mind, but you stubbornly refuse to share it. Your father never got you that

model plane for Christmas…that bastard Higgins got the promotion and not you…why the fuck are you living in Connecticut, anyway…look at that sunset, what a trip…how come you never played pro hockey…Is she really getting off in bed, or is she just acting…You actually could benefit from sharing it, getting some advice or perspective or just getting it off your chest, but you don’t— often for no other reason than ‘real men don’t do that’. And it’s a 210

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tragedy, because that ‘something on your mind’ can become a good portion of your entire life. So you clam up, and your girlfriend—who wants communication and insight desperately—tries to ‘open you up’ with hints, questions, pleas, etc. Her attempts at ‘opening you’ become an irritation to you, so the more she tries, the tighter you clam up, and the angrier you get. Finally you walk away in frustration—or worse, she does. Sometimes it’s for good, when she decides “there are a lot of clams out there, and they’ve got to be easier to open”. Obviously there are some things you’d want to keep to yourself, such as check out the rack on that blonde and so forth. Otherwise, opening up and sharing something on your mind with your girl is really not a sign of weakness. Keeping things hidden when you don’t have to, refusing all outside perspectives, advice and help, trying to do everything all by yourself…that is weakness. And women are not only dying to know what’s on our minds, they can also be great listeners. For whatever reason, I have the exact opposite syndrome, I tell my girlfriends everything on my mind, sometimes to the point where they say “Will you shut up already?”

Getting Slapped Around On a more serious, tragic note: a word about physical conflict. Some of you may eventually hook up with a girl who strangely ‘likes it rough’, provokes needless, crazy arguments where she gets in your face and seems to beg to be hit, or actually physically assaults

you. There are some tomboys who don’t mind ‘wrasslin’ and in fact initiate it, laughing all the way. This is not the same thing. When it happens, you will know it’s not the same thing. You will know it because it’s freakin’ scary. Most of us assume that women are the ‘fairer sex’, never prone to anger or violence. The reality is that women are human beings, not angels, and are subject to the same 211


emotions we are. If a girl crowds you, screaming in your face, walk away. If she follows you & keeps it up, keep going. If she swings or kicks at you, catch it or block it if you can, then

walk away. If she grapples you, press hard into the pressure points under her armpits until she releases you, then walk away. If she becomes violent inside your house or apartment (throwing/breaking things, etc.), grab her by the wrists or elbows— not hard enough to bruise—and move her outside, then lock her out. If she continues making a scene outside, you can either let her rage away until she settles down and leaves, or call the police (unless the neighbors do it for you). If and when the police come, relate the facts to them as calmly as you can, that you don’t want to press charges, you simply don’t want her breaking down your door. Regardless of what she says or does to initiate physical conflict, Always walk away. In our society you have a right to defend yourself but you also have a Duty to Retreat from violent or dangerous situations whenever you can. Of course, this is not your foremost thought when you’re staring down a hellcat whose needle-sharp fingernails are gouging your skin, whose drops of saliva are spattering your face, whose curses and insults are breaking your heart. Your foremost thought is probably I’m a man, I don’t have to take this and one good slap ought to fix this and possibly even there

are no witnesses and it’s her word against mine, but any jury in the world could see she deserved it. Jails and prisons are horribly crowded with men who mutter “She deserved it.” Maybe she did, but ask yourself “Do I deserve prison?” Think about it: for every one call police respond to about a domestic disturbance involving a violent woman, they respond to probably fifty more involving a violent man. Hopefully the officer who responds to your particular disturbance is a genius-level Fox Mulder-type with a Master’s degree in Criminal 212

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Psychology from Oxford, who can smell a lie on a person’s breath like alcohol. Do not be surprised, however, if the officer looks at your broken nose, then at her broken fingernail, listens to her story first, and hauls you off for battery. Say it over and over to yourself until you snort it in your sleep:

Always walk away. If you find yourself needing to walk away from the same girl more than once, you might find it better to keep walking, all the way into the arms of a somewhat more stable girl.

Breaking Up Without Cracking Up My friend and co-worker James had just learned that his girlfriend had gotten a six-month dancing gig in Japan that she’d applied for. He was naturally depressed, so I bought him a drink after work and said “Hey, James, it isn’t the end of the world.” “Yeah it is, Ken. The end of my world, anyway.” He said quietly. I didn’t have a comeback for that. I was, quite frankly, stunned. The end of my world, anyway. Up until that statement, James and I had many similarities. We both had a fairly menial, thankless day job (delivering beds); our other creative ambitions were being frustrated (James was a bass player between gigs, while I hadn’t sold a story in months or found any paying acting work either), we both had pretty hot girlfriends. So I could obviously see where Wendy was important to him. But…the end of my world? He had elevated his girlfriend’s status to the hub of his existence? (Anyway, Wendy found some problem with the gig that she couldn’t reconcile, so she stayed in Las Vegas and formed her own band. James ended up getting a very cool gig with an up-and-coming show band. They were still living together last I heard, and hopefully they will live happily ever after.) On my website, www.answerology.com, I subtly suggest that people look for fulfillment and/or satisfaction within themselves first and foremost, as opposed to through another person. 213


So, the reality of human relations is that you’ll break up with one or more women sometime, and one or more women will break up with you. While this is hardly ever fun, unless you’re really sadomasochistic, neither does it have to be a heart-breaking, doomladen, insanity-producing, gallon-of-whiskey-drinking, let’s-write-anew-country & western-song-about-this disaster. Here are some suggestions if she breaks up with you:

Don’t Kill Yourself Trying To Change Your Spots. What this means is that in certain breakups the girl will use one of your personality traits or habits as the cause of her leaving: “You’re not serious enough” or “You’re a nonstop sex maniac” (I get that one all the time). Now, what she says may or may not be true…but is she giving you an opportunity to change, or is she walking out anyway? If she does give you that opportunity, you’d best quickly choose between her and that personality trait. If she’s walking out anyway, that’s not the time to say “I better change”. You see, that particular trait was intolerable to her, one individual woman, Who knows? The next one you meet might like it (One girl I met didn’t drink but would buy me drinks, saying “I love the taste of beer breath.” Well, all right!). Who knows? It takes all kinds. Just don’t kill yourself trying to ‘change your spots’ after she’s left, unless you feel like it. If said personality trait is something potentially unhealthy or dangerous to you or her (drug use, compulsive gambling, etc.), then what she’s saying is probably your wake-up call. A lot of addictive behaviors come with their own set of ‘blinders’, so if you ask her “Why didn’t you tell me before?” don’t be surprised if she screams “I

told you 47 Times, but you were too busy Smoking Crack to Notice!!!” Take It Like A Man if she does the breaking up. If you feel she’s wrong or misled or whatever, state your case firmly and honestly but don’t fly into a screaming fit of rage (however ‘justified’, it’s really, really counterproductive, almost guaranteed to drive her off for good), or burst into tears in front of her (most women say they 214

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admire men who are sensitive enough to cry, but subconsciously they lose respect for them) if you can help it. If she is making a mistake, she might be back once she realizes it. If it doesn’t work, C’est La Vie. Saying “Please don’t leave, I’ll do Anything!” is an invitation to disaster. You can’t sustain a relationship by yourself; it’ll ultimately be a back-breaking waste of your time and dignity. Don’t plead, whimper, rave or relentlessly phone her…and for God’s sake don’t threaten her or stalk her! If you do any of these things, you’ve lost control of yourself. You’re letting yourself Be

controlled, and it’s not even Her that’s doing it. It’s your Ego that’s controlling you, pushing your buttons like a spoiled brat with an uncooperative toy. She doesn’t want to control you, she only wants out. So take control. Master your emotions and think rationally: You cannot (ethically) control another person. If the situation was reversed, you would not want someone raving or screaming at you, making a spectacle of themselves or otherwise making you feel miserable. As this is a woman you care about, you should want her to be happy. If her happiness requires her to be free, let her go. There are always more than enough other women out there, and the only cure for a woman is another woman. Every moment you spend crying, raging or stalking is a moment wasted. If you’re really in control, you’ll set a date with a new girl right after you get the crushing news from the first one. (Anecdote #421: when I lost Robin, I spent about a month in a stupid depression, drinking for eight hours a day and sleeping for the other sixteen. I lost my job and got into a deep ditch of debt over it. I learned nothing, except that one girl out of three billion didn’t want me anymore. I’ve vowed never to let the useless experience happen again…because that’s what the Post-Breakup Blues are: useless. Your boss doesn’t care. Your friends don’t want to hang out with a 215


moaning wet blanket. Bartenders will cheerfully take your money, but they really couldn’t care less. You know where you can find sympathy in the dictionary. Nowadays when a girl breaks up with me, I give myself a whole 48 hours to feel bad about it, tops, then I jump back into the arena mentally screaming “It’s her loss; I’m Free, Free, Free!!!”)

Try to stay on Good Terms wherever possible. Life’s too short to make enemies. Regrettably, when a woman’s no longer seeing a man, all too often her nickname for him changes from ‘Darling’ to ‘Dickweed’. You don’t need this type of Public Relations…especially when you both live in a smaller, closer-knit community. Because if she bears a grudge, she’s apt to tell her friends, who will tell their friends, and soon you’ve got a rather unhealthy reputation as far as the girls in your town are concerned. At least, you’ll want to stay on her good side long enough to get your stuff back. Now, if you break up with her:

Don’t break up on hearsay, or to please your friends and/or relatives. A guaranteed instruction manual on kicking yourself in the face. In the first case, if you hear your girl did this or that, it’s not necessarily true, so find out the facts for yourself before jumping to conclusions. In the second case, hey, who’s going out with her, you or them? No matter how well-meaning they are, it’s your relationship. In the past I’ve dumped plenty of girls who apparently “weren’t good enough” for my friends or family, leaving my friends and family smug and satisfied, but leaving me all alone on Saturday nights.

If “Breaking up” means divorce, think twice. Divorce courts are horribly slanted in a woman’s favor, especially where the custody of children is concerned (the popular notion is that there’s a ‘nurturing stage’, where presumably all children under 18 would be ‘better off’ in the custody of their mother, so they say). I personally know a man 216

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who cold-busted his wife with another man, got evidence and filed for divorce; she got the shirt off his back…believe it or not, she got his entire business; he tried selling drugs to get out of debt, got busted, and sent to prison. This builds a good case for pre-nuptual agreements. Wherever possible, try to get your wife to attend counseling sessions with you; try to get your marriage back on track. If nothing else, do whatever you can to delay divorce proceedings while you build yourself up a side-stash of cash (not a separate savings or checking account! CASH!) ‘cause you’re probably in for a long, cold winter. There is a breed of ‘guys’ who ditch long-term partners for ‘trophy wives’, simply because their trophy’s youth and beauty supposedly enhance their image and virility. They’re only fooling themselves, and the joke will be on them when the vengeance-crazed long-term partner and the trophy wife clean them out in multiple divorces. Hopefully that will wipe out this sickening fad once and for all. Again, I’m not married, I merely study marriages, so feel free to get a second opinion. One thing that couldn’t hurt regardless is to replay the videotape of your wedding, or remember your vows. Because divorce is slightly like saying “Vows made before God don’t apply to me.”

Be prepared to lose whatever you left at her place. Yeah, you might get it back, but it’s a good idea to do some thorough reconnaissance before the breakup and make sure. That way when you ask her a week later “Did I leave my hundred-dollar silk shirt over there?” She can’t say “Yeah, it’s right here, I’m using it to scrub the bathroom floor.” Of course, if that happens, feel free to throw any of her ‘leftovers’ at your place out the window. Try to avoid breaking up in public. The simple act of breaking up can create a tragic, emotional scene. Unless you’re a soulless, 217


unfeeling cad, you’re probably going to feel bad as it is. Now top off that bad feeling with a double-scoop of embarrassment as a bunch of strangers watch you crushing a girl’s emotions, or get a third scoop free if she throws a drink in your face, knees you in the groin or loudly announces you’ve given her VD. (Of course, if you suffer some horrid injustice at her hands which demands an immediate breakup and retaliation, all bets are off, do whatever you like within the limits of the law. “You’re a c**t, I win— just so you know, I faked every orgasm! And for God’s sake, lose some weight!!!” is a good ‘counter-strike’ to use.)

Methods of Breaking Up 1. Drop The Bomb. “It’s over. I can’t see you anymore. Take care of yourself.” Obviously that’s an extremely condensed version, but it’s effective, short and to the point. The Bomb doesn’t have to be cruel (“Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.”), indeed, it should be a fast but amicable split (“Look, you know I care about you, but I feel that this relationship has run its course. It’s been fun, but I think the best thing for both of us is to start seeing other people.”). Be prepared to hear a shocked reprisal, although you don’t have to stick around and listen to it. Also, have all the stuff she left at your place boxed up & ready to leave at her doorstep, too (if you’re man enough to give it back). There may be times that you want to use The Bomb as a ‘scare tactic’ instead. If you didn’t really want to break up with her finally & forever—perhaps one of her habits was just driving you crazy—then it can scare her into dropping said habit with lightning speed. Be advised, that scare tactic can also backfire: instead of ‘scaring her straight’, it scares her off and she says “Yeah, I guess we should start seeing other people.” It’s tough to get back together after dropping The Bomb. But this is considered the surest and manliest method of 218

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breaking up, and if properly worded, can still leave you on good terms. 2.

The “Let’s Just Be Friends” Line.

A good ploy if you still like her and want to see her once in a while…without having sex, that is. As noted earlier, it’s always good to have platonic female friends. 3.

The Communication Breakdown.

That’s just what it means: you break contact. No visits, no phone calls. After a while (ranging from 3-5 days to 1-3 weeks) she’ll get the hint. Be advised that this makes women angrier than wasps in a hailstorm, and if she does find and confront you, you’ll have to Drop The Bomb, or say something like “Oh, I just haven’t thought about you, that’s all.” I’ve included this method, but I don’t really recommend it, simply for the reason that you wouldn’t want someone doing this to you. It works, but The Bomb works better. A lot of women say “Well, if you wanted to break up with me, you should have done it to my face!” (Break up your face? Why?) But I’ve discovered that it’s because she A. wants to give you a good ass-chewing, or B. wants to beg you to stay. But the results are the same: a breakup. 4.

The Other Woman.

This one’s rather uncomplicated as well. Simply go out and whore around! She’ll nail you; they always do—it’s like they’ve got sonar or something. As 98% of women can’t stand being second best, she’ll break up with you (if she doesn’t try to break a chair over your head first). Unsuccessful in whoring around? (Then how’d you get the first girl?) No problem. Simply hire a masseuse from an escort service to 219


give you a massage a few minutes before your girlfriend walks in the door (I only did that once--but the ‘masseuse’ wasn’t a pro, but a stunning girl I’d already had my eye on since my current girlfriend was becoming problematic. I was entertaining her, and my prior girlfriend came over unexpectedly. She said “It’s over!” so I opened the door a little wider so she could see the new girl—who made her look like Olive Oyl—then smiled and said “Okay.” And closed the door). Optionally, if you’ve both got computers with internet access that you both let each other use, you can start downloading porn by the megabyte and requesting e-mail from every matchmaking and mailorder-bride site online. (Since everybody gets some porno ‘spam’ anyway, you’ve actually got to overdo this until porn and date offers ooze out of your mailbox.) She’ll quickly catch on to what you’re doing and ditch you—not for cheating, since you haven’t physically touched anyone, but just for being sleazy & unappreciative of her. If she suggests counseling instead, scream “Never! I Don’t want Counseling, I want more Porrrrnn!!!” Make every effort to catch your computer as she heaves it out the window. 5.

Mr. Hyde.

HAhahahahahaha!!! Here’s a breakup method of utterly deranged viciousness, for girls you know you’ve got to get rid of once and for all. All you do is undergo a personality change, through a time span of your choice: you can turn into a foaming psychopath in the space of one evening, or you can turn from Mr. Nice Guy into an unwashed brute in the space of a month. Stop the gift-giving, the heart-to-heart chats…hell, just quit listening to her. Turn all ‘dates’ into ‘home invasions’ where you show up at her place, have crude sex, raid her refrigerator and leave. Make sure to belch, fart and scratch yourself wherever possible. You can even use props. Fake guns, bullwhips, huge bags of 220

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powdered sugar (it does look slightly like cocaine), plastic vomit, Hustler magazines left out in plain sight, inflatable love-dolls, black candles, incense holders shaped like demons…let your imagination run wild! Is she still around? Time for costumes. Ski masks, redneck baseball caps (especially the ones with ultra-chauvinist slogans like I Got A Car For My Wife—Good Trade, Eh?), S&M spiked leather gear (a family favorite!), T-shirts that say Don’t blame me, I voted for Manson or If you can read this, the bitch fell off. If she walks into your apartment and you’re reading Hustler magazine while wearing only a tutu, dog collar and German soldier’s helmet, she should break up with you right there. If she doesn’t, start watching videos of Faces of Death and The Shining over and over again, while playing an Andrew Dice Clay comedy CD really loud at the same time. Keep at it and good luck. This will do wonders for your acting abilities, but The Bomb or Let’s Just Be Friends will save you time and money, though.

Sweet Revenge One of my recent Internet chats revolved around ‘getting really, really, really screwed over’, to the point where you’d actually consider putting a ‘contract’ out on your ex. I do not endorse this. One participant asked what I would do to a girl who screwed me over royally, and while I like to think I’m above such petty mortal concerns, I’m still human, and I know turnabout is fair play. So I came up with this: First, I get conclusive proof that I’ve been screwed over, and I make the decision that this relationship is beyond repair and I do want to end it. I put said ‘proof’ into written or photographic form, and put it in an envelope with a five-dollar bill. I also include a note, which you’ll read in a bit. Acting blissfully ignorant of her betrayal, or copping an ‘UltraNice-Guy/All Is Forgiven’ attitude, I have one long last bout of crazy 221


sex with her, then take her to the best restaurant in town. I have already contacted the restaurant beforehand and asked for a specific waiter; hopefully one with acting ability, which isn’t too difficult. I have actually gone to the restaurant earlier in the day and given that waiter my credit card, a small micro-cassette recorder with blank tape and batteries, and some instructions. I dress to kill, and bring my soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend to the restaurant. I buy a decent bottle of wine and run up a heavy but not insane tab. After dessert, the waiter comes over and tells me I have a phone call. I act concerned, since I don’t have a cell phone, and I guess it must be an emergency if somebody tracked me to this restaurant. I excuse myself to take the call, and simultaneously give my girl the envelope. (Alternately, for another turn of the screw, I hire a hot female friend, co-worker or escort to show up during dessert—dressed and made up hotter than a supernova—and she says “Hi, ready to go?” And I smile and say “Sure”, and leave with her while my girlfriend’s jaw drops.) Inside, along with the proof and the $5, is a note reading The

$5.00 is for your bus fare home, I hope you liked the dinner, because it’s the last one we’ll ever have, and you’re paying for it. If I ever see you again, I hope it’s on “Cops” where your next boyfriend beats your worthless ass. Goodbye and Good Riddance. While she reads it, and the blood drains from her face, the waiter puts the check down on the table and says “I’ll take this whenever you’re ready.” And also begins taping her with the recorder, as she realizes I’m not coming back and begins to cry, plead and squirm her way out of not getting stuck with the check. He tapes her, acting utterly unsympathetic (For more fun, I might actually let him in on her betrayal). If she ends up paying the check, so much the better! If she tries to wriggle out of paying, the waiter gets colder and angrier, gradually hinting that the police will be called—or the manager gets into the act—and then finally says her 222

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meal’s already been paid for, and she can leave. Another cheaper and simpler revenge technique is to buy some jumbo shrimp and hide them all over her apartment. Their rotting corpses will stink the place up so bad she may have to move out, which is never convenient for anyone. But Beware! If you think your particular ‘revenge ploy’ is some sort of evil masterpiece, it will probably pale in comparison to what your ex will do to you afterwards. The MCD of women can become the most sadistic, horrifyingly creative Mistresses of Revenge you’ve ever seen, after they get burned. Still, the Bible says Revenge belongs to the Lord, and Karma itself will equalize all of our transgressions in the end. Living well is the best revenge, I think. Now, on a happier note…

Falling in Love again…(Everybody! Sing It!) Congratulations! You’re in love! How do I know? Who cares! The important thing is, how do you know? (In L.A. Story, Steve Martin quips: “You don’t always know when you’re in love…but you always know when you’re out of it.” True, so true. Your Humble Servant would rather fall into an iron maiden than fall out of love, into heartache.) Check all of the following that apply to you: ___ You’re smiling like you’re on acid. ___ Somebody hits you on the back with a two-by-four and you ask “What was that? Is it raining?” ___ You’re broke, but you couldn’t care less. ___ You lack patience with any activity that keeps you away from her. 223


___ You pay very close attention to her, often open-mouthed with one of those thin drool-strings stretched between your teeth. ___ You take your sweet time getting off of her after sex. ___ Any other guys she talks to become The Enemy. ___ You’re doing things for her that you would have slapped your best friend for doing for his girl. ___ You’re buying things for her that would have slapped your best friend for doing for his girl. ___ You watch what you say to her. ___ You tell the guys you’re not going out to the bar with them and coolly rebuff their attempts to re-enlist you. ___ You’ve got nicknames for each other that would make a diabetic gag. ___ You spend all your time thinking about her. ___ List your current symptom here.

I usually know I’m in love when I clean my car, and my house, and myself. Because when I’m on my own, I’m a slovenly barbarian. The car could look like a prop from Mad Max, my house could be a hut made of twigs and horseshit, I’d only wear Metallica T-shirts and ripped-up shorts, and my communication would consist of grunts and belches. Then when I’m ‘love-smacked’, I get busy, I’m a human dynamo, I’m cleaning everything in sight, I’m dressed to the nines, I’m talking like a Yale Professor, and acting like a saint…because that is the state my Beloved wants to see me in, so that is the state I must aspire to. Actually, it’s the state the whole world wants to see me in. And not just me, but all of us. To me, that is one of the top benefits of love; the way it improves us. I sometimes wonder, if two certain Colorado schoolboys had found girlfriends instead of guns, perhaps the Columbine massacre might never have happened. 224

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If you’ve gotten this far, I salute you. Feel free to throw this book away now, or pass it on to a less-successful friend, and consider it money well spent. Because simply to be in love…love that’s shared and returned…is probably the apex of human existence. It overrules wealth, genius, and power. Or to quote St. Paul:

Though I speak with the tongues of men and angels, and have not love, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not love it profiteth me nothing. Love suffers long, and is kind; love envieth not, love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up. Does not behave itself unseemly, seeks not her own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil; Rejoices not in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; Bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (I Corinthians XIII) As this passage comes from The Bible, I think it’s the best overview about love I’ve found. There are a few million more quotes and viewpoints about love, but I’m not going to cram the book with them. Everyone who experiences love does so in their own way, which is as it should be. Your experience will be an individual one, and you happily get to make your own rules as you go along. Far be it from me to tell you ‘do this/don’t do that’. It’s your clambake, man, bon appetit! On a personal note, I noticed that up until recently I had a hard time telling the women I loved that I did love them…and I wasn’t 225


alone. Us guys seem to get all choked up by the L-word. After about six sessions of rollin’ and tumblin’ with the same girl, she’ll have no problem saying “I love you.” Instead of feeling reassured and appreciated, we’re surprised, embarrassed and sometimes even horrified. Instantly we think Oh my

God, she said it, she said It, now I’ve gotta say something Back…can’t pretend I’m asleep…can I?…No, she knows I’m awake…gotta say something back…think, damnit, Think… So we come up with such heartwarming replies as: “Thanks.” “Cool.” “Yeah.” “You’re not so bad yourself.” “Ah, you’re just saying that ‘cause I gave you three orgasms.” “Ummmmmmmm, loveyatoo.” “Likewise.” “Good.” Hoo-RAH. Word, are we fresh or what? Shakespeare’s got nothin’ on us. After such red-hot soliloquies like those, it’s a miracle she isn’t washing our feet with her hair. The sex must have tired her out, I guess. All sarcasm aside, the statement I love you obviously sums up how one of you feels about the relationship, and there is a bit of a letdown when one of you says it and doesn’t hear it back.

Yeah, but say I’m in love with a girl, but we’ve really just started going out…won’t I scare her off if I say it too early? That’s a possibility…which is why I suggest you love her with deeds, not words, until she says it first. Keep up the romance…the flowers, the long deep kisses, the foot-massages, the candle-lit dinners, the poems, the phone calls, the breakfasts in bed, the little presents…and if she has more than one brain cell she should see that you love her. As previously shown, women use the L-word fifty times more than men do, so odds are she’ll say it first. When she says it, say it back, 226

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and keep saying it ‘til you live happily ever after. Hang on, there’s another question here…Yes? Well, if we Do tell a girl we love her, doesn’t that (slight choking sound) Commit us to her? I hate to answer a question with a question, but if you do tell her you love her, don’t you want to commit to her?

Ummmm, well, yeah, but you were saying that if She says it First, we ought to say it Back. No. I was saying that if a girl says it and doesn’t hear it back, she feels let down…just as you would if you said it to a girl and don’t hear it back. You ought to say it back if you love her, that way it’s the truth. If a girl says it and you aren’t comfortable with saying it back yet, it’s actually better not to. Word it right and she won’t be too let down. Something like “It’s very nice of you to say that, babe, I’m warming up to you, too, but take your time with me, okay?” A rational woman will understand & accept this. A desperate ‘ring-hunter’ will mentally snarl Curses! Foiled Again! And either redouble her efforts, or move on. Now, for you ‘commitment-phobics’, I personally have never seen an engagement ring and a marriage license fall from the sky a second after I told a woman I loved her, nor have I seen the girl show up the next morning at my door with a U-Haul full of her belongings. I have seen girls stop, drop & roll me into the bedroom, since they were happily reassured I wasn’t going on any more fox-hunts anytime soon. Once I tell a woman I love them, I’ve already made up my mind I’m not going to see any other women…I may try to get them to see other women eventually, but that’s another story. Also, if they say it back, that’s great, but I do not expect the phrase itself to legally or mystically bind her to me like celestial Krazy-Glue. I’ve had women tell me they love me, sleep with my friends the next day, and come back to me, continuing the relationship like nothing ever happened (“You knew? Oh…well…it meant nothing, really, it was just a momentary thing…”). You yourself know plenty of couples who love each other madly, but have cheated on each other, 227


or broken up temporarily only to get together again and again. It’s a crazy little thing called Love…

What if a girl won’t have sex unless I love her, or say I love her? That’s her perfect right, just as it’s your right to choose between staying or leaving. Take a moment and evaluate the relationship. Can you see this girl as a long-term partner, or is she just someone you’re dying to score with? If it’s the latter, remind yourself that the big ‘score’ will add up to fifteen minutes of thrusting and a few moments of bliss…nice, but nothing miraculously unique, and nothing worth breaking a girl’s heart over. If you enjoy her company, genuinely care for her and want to know her better, sex shouldn’t be a top priority anyway…and the closer you are to someone spiritually and emotionally, the better the sex is! As you already know, we men have a horrible collective reputation of “using love to get sex”. For God’s sake, let’s all rise above this. We’re all vexed by ‘women with issues’, but right now there’s another ‘man’ out there somewhere creating issues for a woman by saying “If you really love me, you’ll do it.” If it’s any consolation, I barely know any women that held out for commitments of declarations of love before they had sex with me. The old MCD had a huge variance of one to five dates before practically demanding sex. This is not so much a symptom of modern ‘moral decay’ than it is a reaffirmation of what women really are: human beings with natural sex drives.

Marriage (And How to Avoid It) “You can burn my body… You can tear my soul… Bend me with your torments Still the answer’s NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! 228

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NOOOOOOOOOO!!! You won’t get me on the Hell Patrol!” --RAVEN As you can see from this brief intro, I’m not the world’s greatest fan of marriage. I strive not to publicly denigrate this Blessed Institution, which provides us with all those cute, cuddly, apple-cheeked children that run screaming through my restaurant while I’m trying to serve a nine-top…ahem. As I said, I’m not the world’s greatest fan of marriage, but I myself don’t want children. If you do, great. Marry someone. If it’s female, your chances of having some children are that much greater. Just don’t you dare drop by my bachelor pad some night with your spawn and say “So, K.K., when are you gonna take the plunge?” I’ll try to be courteous, but I’ll probably end up saying “Gee, maybe when I break up with my current crop of porn-stars, I’ll join you in Purgatory.” (While I’m about it, if I can ask you a favor, Never, ever ever ask a couple “When are you two going to get married?” It is None of your business and The mere question itself may splinter a perfectly good relationship. Since married couples usually think nothing of asking this to single couples, I think a good rebuttal is “Hey, you two are married, when are you going to die?!” Fair enough, isn’t it?) The Human Drive to Procreate—to secure the survival of our offspring--drove us to create the institution of Marriage, which, incredibly, pre-dates The Bible. However, at that stage of the game, where we were still shitting on our crops to make them grow, Marriage was not an option. It was crucial to the survival of entire cultures, to prevent inbreeding, for uniting families into communities, and deciding who got what properties within a clan or tribe (Did you see that last part? Who got what? Remember that later). Still, The Bible does not mandate marriage! In First Corinthians 7:27, Paul writes “Are you married? Do not seek a divorce. Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned, and if a virgin marries, she has 229


not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.” Also, if you think The Bible puts the hammer down on Premarital Sex, it doesn’t. There’s One passage in Deuteronomy that says “If a man Seizes (rapes) a virgin and is caught, he must pay her father fifty shekels of silver.” So don’t rape any virgins. Actually, don’t rape anyone. If you do, make sure you’ve got fifty shekels of silver laying around first. Ironically, those were the Golden Years of Marriage, because you could have as many wives as you could afford!!! And if & when you got married, you got a dowry! All kinds of cash, or maybe land, cows, sheep, goats! And if you or your wife ever stepped out on each other, nobody said “Awww, what a shame”, and turned a blind eye—they Stoned you to death!!! Now that’s some motivation to stay faithful! In fact, back in medieval India, if a man died before his wife, she was expected to leap onto his funeral pyre! Talk about devotion! These days Indian wives just wear veils, I think. Now, in 2005 (Two Thousand and Five! I can’t believe I’ve made it this far!), Dowries are gone. Arranged marriages are gone. Birth control is here to stay. We’ve got everything we’ve ever wanted, with the exception of teleportation and flying cars. The mortality rate has dropped like a brick, while the longevity rate is the longest it’s ever been. We’ve seen fifty-year-old mothers give birth successfully, and seventy-year-old men father children (Congrats, Tony Randall, we all knew you could do it!). Our goals are no longer to make it through the next harvest to see that our clan has a few more goats, but to make sure our 401k funds have enough in them to let us retire and fondle supermodels on the decks of our yachts (or maybe that’s just my goal.). Our children can be snatched away by the almighty State at the mere whisper of child abuse. And we’ve got more lawyers than anyone could ever need. My point: we (think we) no longer need each other. We still want each other, obviously…but think about it: if you’re a farmer, and you need a field plowed, you’ve got a tractor, not a wife to pull the hoe (“and who are you calling a hoe?” my girlfriend calls 230

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from the other room…”I’m talking about farming, lambchop”). If you’re a determined gay or lesbian, you can get sperm or ovum donated for you. If you desperately want children but can’t have them, you can adopt one or be a foster-parent. Anyone can build a house, make repairs, cook, clean, or raise children (oddly, you need a license to drive a car, or be a contractor, or almost anything else— but! Want to have a kid? Even if you haven’t the faintest idea how to be a parent? Be our guest!)...and if you can't, you can always hire someone to do it for you. Everything and everyone is for sale, at the right price. And yes, you can now get divorced online. Yet Marriage continues lumbering across the land like Godzilla…and the body count continues to climb. Forty-three percent of all Marriages today end in divorce. I didn’t make that up. Why does Your Humble Servant avoid Marriage like the plague? Well… Wives—knowing you can’t really go anywhere else without risk— can get complacent (and fat). Girlfriends don’t…at least, not always. Wives can tell you what to do. Girlfriends can’t. Regardless of that “’Til Death Do Us Part” statement, wives can wake up one day and say “I don’t think this is working out”, and take your children, your house, your savings, and a good amount of your other treasured possessions in a divorce. The majority of divorces are initiated by wives, and in the majority of divorces, women receive custody of the children. They can also continue to take your income afterwards to support your children, without letting you have any access to them (it’s like some perverse ‘tax for having kids’). Girlfriends can’t. There is also a horrid urban legend, which is spoken in low and shocked whispers, that (Gasp) the blowjobs stop on the wedding night. Old joke: Why are brides always smiling in wedding photos? They know they’ve just given their last blowjob. Your Humble Servant obviously cannot confirm this. Even if it is just a legend, why take a chance? All kidding aside, once you’re married, your sex life becomes largely dependent on the whims of your mate. She might be 231


a sexual bronco-buster in the first year of your marriage, willing to do every position twice in the same night. The second year she might decide that once a week in the missionary position is more than enough for her. You want more? Nope, sorry, hit the couch. Think you can look elsewhere for satisfaction? Read the paragraph before this one. Think you can make her submit to your advances, as Lord of The Manor? Guess again. It’s a tragic new crime called Spousal Rape. An Australian wife asked her husband to stop, in the middle of sex (which, for most of us men, is like being asked to stop drinking water while we’re in a desert). He kept going for thirty more seconds before stopping. She called the police afterwards and had him arrested. A court ruled that since he kept going for thirty seconds after she said ‘stop’, it was spousal rape, and he was sentenced to prison…and became the media’s “Mr. Thirty Seconds”. I wish I was making that up. We’re told that marriage, being a committed, monogamous, longterm relationship, will magically protect us from the horrors of sexually transmitted diseases through mutual fidelity. This is a blessedly wonderful, heartwarming theory, and if it were true I’d wager most sexually transmitted diseases would have died out long ago. In practice, however, I’ve lost track of how many married women have approached me with that classic "My husband doesn’t understand/satisfy/love me anymore” line. Similarly, the number of cheating husbands has reached a sickening level, and there is an army of single women on the prowl for married men, for various crazy reasons. Less horrible, but equally strange and tragic, is that a lot of wives somehow become ‘permission givers’ to their husbands. Your Humble Servant once sold a $12 product door-to-door. Single people either said yes or no. Husbands said “Hang on, I’ve gotta ask my wife.” (You’ve got to ask your wife if you can spend twelve dollars?) Another time I asked my brother if he wanted to see Blue Oyster 232

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Cult, on my dime. He said (wait for it!) “Hang on, I’ve gotta ask my wife.” I said, perhaps she would like to come along as well, but it turned out she wasn’t into B.O.C. After a few days of discussion, he called and said “Okay, I’ve got permission to go, now.” (You need permission to go to a concert?) Because I’m still unmarried, I’m told I’ve got some presumed “fear of commitment”. When I counter that nobody said that runaway slaves in the 1800s had a ‘fear of commitment’, I just get blank stares. Funny. I think women in general knew “fear of slavery” wouldn’t have the desired effect on men that they wanted, so they coined the term “fear of commitment” instead. Worked like a charm! Want to get a man to do something? Tell him he’s got a fear of it. (“C’mon, man, you can swim across that piranha-infested river! Don’t be a wuss!”) My reverse-catchphrase “contempt for captivity” has yet to catch on. American women (or probably just women in general) are under incredible social pressure to get married, which I feel is a ruse and a shame…not the marriage, the pressure. At least their marriages aren’t prearranged, like they are in other cultures (The horror! I once went out with an Indian girl who turned out to be a divorced virgin. I’m not kidding. She had an arranged marriage to an Indian Army officer who turned out to be gay, and never touched her! Ripley’s Believe It or Not! Still hasn’t called me back.). They are programmed at a young age to ‘play house’, to collect family-oriented dolls and houses, and the like. Later they are taunted by Bride Magazine, Modern Bride, Bridal Journal, etc. (Note how there’s no ‘Wife Magazine’ or ‘Modern Wife’…hey, wait a minute, there’s no ‘Modern Groom’ or ‘Groom Journal’, either…hmmm.) There is a fairy-tale aspect of The Wedding, where they’ll wear glamorous gowns, get photographed a thousand times, eat the finest foods, be the envy of their friends and win the respect of their elders, and then get whisked off to some romantic hideaway. (I’ll be targeted for death by the assassins of the Wedding industry any minute now. Funny, you wouldn’t think roses-and-lace people 233


had assassins.) This fairy tale leaves out just a few little details, like, oh, that after the Wedding, they’ll be in a committed relationship with one person for the rest of their lives, that childbirth hurts like a bitch, that for every one ‘Kodak moment’ with the kids, there will be twenty other moments of “Waaaiiieeehhhh!” and/or “Did you staple the dog’s ears together?!?!? Get in this house! Now!!!” That their Knight in Shining Armor will no longer be motivated to work out and maintain that powerhouse body (why should he? He can’t attract anyone else now, right?), or that he won’t be around as much since he’ll have to work more and more hours with every new mouth to feed. That the flow of candy and flowers will slow to a trickle, now that the woman is “won” and doesn’t need to be wooed further. Or that what God has joined, let any Lawyer separate. Since those ‘little details’ are left out, all a single girl can hear is the relentless ticking of her biological clock, and the relentless choir of how come you’re not married yet? Ironically, although unmarried women are treated like lepers by their relatives and married peers, divorced women are off the hook. Both are single, but divorced women are treated like Olympic Bronze Medallists. They might not have ‘won the grand prize’ (lived happily ever after), but they ‘took the challenge and gave it their best’. They rarely hear how come you’re not re-married yet? There’s a quiet understanding, support and acceptance by their peers; an unspoken message of well, you Tried to fit in with the rest of us, at least we know you’re not a freak or a lesbian. Great, but a lot of modern women are catching on that the pressure will be off once they get married and divorced, leading them to actually plan what they call ‘Starter’ Marriages. I was confronted by a live-in Girlfriend: “Ummm…it’s been a while now, and we are living in sin…” She said. We’d been dating off and on for three years; living together for one; we were getting pretty cozy. “Oh, you want to get married? Well, sure, I’ll marry you…if that’s 234

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what you really want.” I replied. Romantic, no? Of course not…which was why she said, “No, not that way.” A woman wants to be asked Will You Marry Me? And there’s the rub…The Sexes are

Equal, but the Man has to propose! Did I turn her down? No. Did I love her? Yes. I still do, in fact, and probably always will (Yeah, Patty-melt, I’m talking about You!). Did I hurt her? For the moment, yes, but far less than she’d be hurt by being stuck with me forever! We’re continually hounded by an unwritten law that says if you love someone, you HAVE to marry them. Tripe. (Tripe, n.: ‘stomach lining of a meat animal’.) Horrid, disgusting, life-wrecking, love-destroying Tripe.

We can love more than one person. We love all kinds of people. We will love all kinds of people. Without love, we are nothing. But we change loves.. We find new loves. We are loving all the time! We fall into and out of love like we’ve got metaphysical bungee-cords strapped to our souls! If I married every woman I’ve ever loved, I’d have thirty-nine wives by now! Imagine the alimony, and cringe in horror! New scientific evidence suggests that love is actually caused by certain chemicals (endorphins) in our brains, which are triggered by the sight/sound/sense of a specific person. All well and good. However, our brains only have the capacity to crank out these specific chemicals for four years (per lover)! So, during those four years, you had best form an iron-clad (hell, titanium-clad) spiritual bond with the one you love to sustain you through those fifty other years after those magical endorphins dry up! That is why I, K.K., am the first (and for the moment, only) proponent of The Temporary Marriage License, available in one and five year increments, with a built-in retroactive pre-nuptual agreement. Still hot for each other five years later? Great! Renew the license for free. Not so hot for each other anymore? Feel like lookin' for strange? Also great. Let the license expire, go your separate ways in peace with whatever you had before you met. Anything contested 235


by both parties must be sold and its value divided equally between both parties. Unless they are designated unfit, both parents automatically receive equal custody of any children. And I didn’t dream this up out of nowhere: in Scotland there was an ancient & revered tradition called ‘fasting the hand’ where a couple acted as if they were married for a year before you actually got married. Now I haven’t recently looked up the divorce rates for Scotland, yet I feel comfortable they’re just a bit lower than ours in America. Similarly, Wiccans have a similar tradition: in a “Witch’s Marriage” you are engaged for a year and a day before the actual marriage. Again, I have no experience or accountability in matrimony, but I implore you to at least consider this: Is there anything wrong with a year-long engagement? Shouldn’t you want to find out everything you can about each other before devoting the rest of your existence to one person? Use that as an acid test. If a woman says “Hell no, it’s my way or the highway, we’re getting married at High Noon on August Eighth, and if that’s too early for you, take your ring back”…For God’s sake, take the ring back, man. If it really is gold it should be worth a stack of lap-dances. I’m also a big fan of bigamy & polygamy (too bad our legal system isn’t). If you love more than one woman and they love you and you can cozily support each other, go for it. You can legally marry one woman at a time…is there any law saying you can’t have a wife and a ‘roommate’? Provided, of course, you won’t be driven insane by multiple mothers-in-law. Now, back to reality, the question on a lot of your minds is: How

can I Keep a woman without marrying her? The hard but simple answer is: you can’t. You can only try, and sometimes with enough love, honesty and clear communication, trying is enough to provide a deep, rich, long-lasting love affair that can satisfy both of you for months or years, providing most of the benefits of marriage with none of the tragedies. Witness Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn, still happily cohabitating after decades while 90% 236

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of all the other celebrity marriages around them crash and burn. Slowly—with all the speed of Marlon Brando on Quaaludes—a percentage of modern women are realizing that long-term monogamous relationships that aren’t under oath to last forever are not the living hell they seem to be. Chances are, however, your girlfriend could care less about Kurt & Goldie, and isn’t in that percentage. After a year together— sometimes in only a matter of months—she will entertain the notion of marrying you, unless you’ve screwed up hideously somehow within that time. More time passes; she gets closer to you; she sees other couples tying the knot; she hears her mother cajole her to provide her with grandchildren; she hears her friends squeal with happiness about their own engagements and gets invited to their sumptuous weddings; she eventually gets asked when you and she will ‘settle down together’; she hears beaming mothers cooing over their babies; she hears her own biological clock tick away and imagines herself aging and wrinkling at an incredible rate. The pressure mounts, and eventually—if you haven’t proposed—the hints will start dropping like bombs over Afghanistan. “Hey, we got invited to Bill and Tina’s wedding.” “Where do you think this is going?” “We’re not getting any younger…” “My mom thinks it’s horrible that we’re living in sin.” “I met an old friend at lunch today, she’s got the cutest baby now—look, she gave me a photo of her…ahem! Look at the photo, damnit! Look!” “I want to have this kind of sex with you forever.” “My ex-boyfriend called out of nowhere…he wanted to marry me, I think he was drunk but it was kinda cute…” “Guess what today is? (“Thursday?”) No! It’s our one-year Anniversary of our first date.” “Aren’t I the greatest cook and the greatest piece of ass you’ve ever had?” 237


(Wham! Wham! Wham! We’re outgunned, Sarge! It’s coming

down too heavy! There’s no Cover! We need to fall back! Now! NOW!) In a very real sense, to most women a long-term relationship is an

investment; she is making ‘payments’ of her time & devotion, looking for the ‘return’ of marriage. Much in the way you eye your 401k plan, praying that some robber-baron CEO isn’t going to loot it, most women pray that they aren’t giving a man the best years of their lives for nothing (even though ironically, some divorced women have told me the best times of their lives were with me, and not their husbands).. If you’ve got any morals at all, you ought to understand and respect this. You are never under any obligation to marry anyone. However, you cannot keep a woman ‘on the hook’. If you love a woman but have no desire to marry her, you can’t hem & haw, you can’t give phony promises, you can’t procrastinate, you can’t say “maybe someday…” It’s just wrong. If you love somebody, set them free. (Tell ‘em, Sting.) If you have no intention of marrying a woman, then as soon as the first ‘marriage hint’ drops, you must resign yourself to ending the relationship, as that will happen 90% of the time. You might stall for a bit more time by ignoring the marriage hints, but they will only come back again and again, and by stalling you’re keeping the woman on the hook. If you feel you could marry this woman, but far in the future, tell her so. If it’s after the achievement of a certain goal, tell her what that is (perhaps you’ll watch in awe and delight as she unleashes all her powers to help you achieve it!). If it’s only if she meets a certain requirement, be prepared to duck a frying pan. If it’s a time-frame, tell her what it is and then tell her If this is too long for you to wait,

I’ll understand. Otherwise, ask her soberly “Was that a ploy for marriage on your part?” Wait ‘til she says “Yes”, then say “Sit down.” 238

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Then state your case against marriage. If you’re looking to me to provide some pre-conceived, logically perfect argument, be advised that mine may not work for you. As I stated earlier, your relationship is yours, so you make your own rules. My argument is pretty simple: “Darling, I do love you, it’s impossible not to love you, I like to think I’ve proved my love. Because I love you, I’m not going to waste your time. If it means I have to set you free, so be it. (Most ‘Ring-hunters’ exit at this point.) I’m not going to apologize for anything, because I’ve already done everything I can to make you happy. But I ‘m honest. It’s got nothing to do with you, but I’m not the marrying type. I’ve been a bachelor all my life, I’m self-actualized and I like myself just fine. I don’t want children, and I don’t need anyone to take care of me. I pay my own way, I cook my own meals, iron my own shirts, and I’d never insult you by asking you to do that. I highly doubt you can say anything that would change my mind, but feel free to tell me what’s in it for me?!” Lots of girls will be unable to say anything. A few will fall back on the “Free Milk And A Cow” argument (translation: no ring = no sex). I will counter with fact A.: I’m actually the one providing the milk. Fact B: I don’t require milk all the time, but when I want it I’ve got a ‘milking machine’ right at the end of my arm, and it never has a headache. Fact C: Cows are everywhere, and most milk is the same. (These facts border on brutally honest, but they are facts, and if I’m saying them I’ve already resolved myself to ending the relationship anyway.) Assorted other thrusts & parries: “You want to deny it, but underneath it all you need someone to take care of you.” (Great! That means you can replace the head gasket on a ’96 Saturn?) “All my friends think you’re using me!” (‘All your friends’ can take a flying f**k at a rolling doughnut; this is our relationship, it’s none of their business. And actually I’m letting you use me.) 239


“You’ll never never ever ever find someone better than me!” (I’m not currently looking for anyone better than you! But if you bail out because I won’t marry you, I’ll have no choice but to start looking.) “Marriage is God’s plan!” (Really? Then why is God a bachelor? Why is there no Mrs. God?) “We’re getting old!” (So? Aging is the balancing force of nature. What’s getting married going to do, let us travel through time?) “You want to be alone?” (At least a few hours each week, so I can get some writing done, yeah.) “I’d make you the happiest man on Earth!” (I thought you already did! Apparently you’re holding out on me!) I am unqualified to give advice on Marriage; most happily so. I would love to give you the following advice if you are considering Marriage. 1. Make Sure You’re Found first. After you get married (and especially after you have children) is the wrong time to say “You know, I never found myself…” Or sowed all your wild oats, or drove in the Indy 500, or followed the Grateful Dead around the country, or climbed Mount Everest, or what have you. And that ‘thing you left out’ burns in your brain until it becomes an obsession that makes you ‘step out for a pack of cigarettes’, and abandon your family. Presto: another Deadbeat Dad, condemning his wife and children to poverty and misery and possible appearances on Ricki Lake just so he can Find himself. Tired of gang violence? School shootings? Teen pregnancy, drug abuse, crime, etc. freakin’ etc.? Then stay with your family and raise your children right, because the absence of a father is a critical factor in all of these issues. (There’s nothing wrong with saying: “I’m not marrying anyone 240

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until I climb Mount Everest/Drive in the Indy 500/Follow the Grateful Dead/whatever. It’s so much easier to get it out of the way

beforehand.) 2. Make sure you love the whole person. Not just her Colgate smile or Dolly Parton breasts or her ability to suck-start a motorcycle or her tremendous singing voice. Before I proposed to anyone, I’d ask myself two slightly macabre questions: A: Would I still love her if she was covered with third-degree burns? B: If I had to, would I push this woman’s wheelchair for the rest of her life? Obviously right now she is a potential Playboy Playmate, with neither burns nor wheelchair. But as we say in the Army, Murphy’s out there (along with his Law). Those questions may sicken you, but they are a true test of your devotion. If you can answer “Yes” to both of them, excellent…but you’re really only halfway home. Ask her the same questions, and see if she’ll do the same for you. 3. Get a Pre-Nuptual Agreement. Actually, I think these should be built into every marriage license, but they’re not. It’s basically a legal document stating that in case of a divorce, neither partner can claim any property or possessions they didn’t have when entering into the marriage. These are especially good if you’re starting a business or entering a high-paying career field. You might not be swimming in money now, but if and when you do you’ll be mighty glad you had one of these. (Just so you know, these are not ‘bulletproof’; a very good divorce lawyer can shoot these down. However, in a divorce it’s obviously better to have one than not have one.) Asking the love of your life to sign a pre-nuptual agreement is supposedly as easy as giving birth to a flaming porcupine. A lot of them naturally view it as a document spelling out I Don’t Trust You in big block letters, and have no problem saying so. Many will argue 241


against it, or even threaten to leave you. Whatever the result, the prenup quickly separates the women who want to marry you to the women who just want to get married. 4. Accept Christ, and ask that she does, too. Marriage is not a ‘natural’ union—meaning that it is not found in nature. Few animals mate for life. It is a supernatural union. We call it Holy Matrimony, there is a Ceremony, a couple asks for God’s approval and blessings, they don’t just call all their friends and say “We took each other off the market.” Without the presence of God, most marriages simply don’t last. I have found that a good bath in the blood of Christ washes away the cares of the world and establishes an inner peace, which frees you up to concentrate on your marriage and family…and you’d better be concentrating on them, as they’re your top priority from now on. 5. Be Prepared To Give Up Everything. That would include her, your house, your children, your bank accounts and possibly everything of value. While you do have the, cherish them. Start every morning with a satisfied sigh of “Look at all these great things that I still have.” Take a lot of photos of everything. Because you can be a Saint of a husband, do everything right and still lose it all. Backtrack for a few chapters. I also highly recommend reading the book Open Marriage, by The O’Neills. They present a good case for making marriage tolerable, if not feasible. Beyond that, if you want a marriage and a family, gung-ho! Go for it! Best of luck! Never mind me, I’ll be wayyyyy over here, staying out really late at rock concerts.

Sexual Techniques 242

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Hey! What do you think you’re doing, skipping to this part ahead of time? Go back and read the earlier chapters, then we’ll talk shop. Ah, welcome back. Be advised that this chapter will have a lot of off-color language; I hope it won’t offend you (Then again, anyone who’s easily offended has probably ditched this book long before now.) I’m also going to assume that all of you know where babies come from, etc. First, let’s clear up some common misconceptions about sex.

Birth Control is Your Responsibility. It shouldn’t really be solely your responsibility, but it has to be somebody’s. Never leave it up to the woman! I’ve entered dozens of women without wearing a condom and they don’t blink an eye! Then I’ll ask them “Are you on the pill?” and they’ll say “No.” Like they’ve got a magic talisman to ward off sperm or something! And off I race to the seven-eleven, in a bathrobe and a hard-on, grumbling gimme a three-pack of Trojans and wipe

that smirk off your face. Bear in mind that birth-control pills are great, but they do nothing to thwart any sexually transmitted diseases…and just because a girl

Says she’s on the Pill, doesn’t mean she IS…Or that she won’t go Off the Pill without telling you! Sorry to break the bad news to you, but there are women who want children so badly they’ll resort to fabrication. And even though heterosexual women are still a low-risk group for most sexually transmitted diseases, wear a condom anyway, until you know you’re both clean and can handle parenthood. Although condoms slightly reduce sensitivity, that can help you last longer too. It increases your length by 1/25th of an inch, too, so every little bit helps, I say. I assume you all know how to use condoms. For those of you who don’t, it’s pretty damned easy; unwrap it, place it at the head of your penis and unroll it as far down as you can. Always leave a bit of space at the tip of the condom, to prevent breakage, and don’t let it come in contact with oil (baby oil, vegetable oil, whatever), as it can dissolve it. 243


If you’re committed to your woman, it’s a good idea to hook her up with some form of birth control of her own…If you’ve got the cash, offer to pay for a birth-control pill prescription. IUDs (IntraUterine Devices) have a good record of preventing births, but they also have a nasty history of causing Toxic Shock Syndrome. There is also Norplant, a subcutaneous time-release birth control system, which lasts for 7 years (The one girl I know who used it claimed it gave her splitting migraine headaches, but this might have been a side-effect that was exclusive to her). If nothing else, buy her a supply of spermicidal creams, diaphragms, or simply leave a box of condoms over at her place. (For the insanely jealous or paranoid among you, the box-ofcondoms-left-at-her-place can be a subtle method of checking for infidelity; if she’s got less on hand than you’ve been using with her, say “Ahem…I left nine condoms over here, why are there only three now?”)

Length Does Matter. But fortunately it’s not the type of length you’re thinking about. Those of you who’ve watched adult films have probably felt a stab of envy that your penis isn’t seven to ten inches long. Assorted hustlers know a lot of guys want huge penises, therefore we’re besieged with ads for various pumps and pills ‘guaranteed’ to increase our length, with claims like “67% of women say they’re unhappy with their lover’s penis size.” (Awwwwww, you poor girls.) There’s a reason that the majority of us have penises between three and six inches; it’s because the majority of women have vaginal canals between three and six inches. God knew what He was doing when He created our bodies. We’re not supposed to have ramrods capable of splitting women wide open. In fact, those of us who do have a harder time getting women to consummate! (One girl got me all hot and bothered, then looked at my erection and said “That’d hurt me.” It actually didn’t, but she was kinda short, so I can see where she’d think that.) 244

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Flying in the face of that ad-claim above, most women report that size isn’t a factor unless it’s a case of being really small or big (beneath or beyond the three and six inch majority). And the MCD of women has been quite subjective: your Humble Servant, being ‘all grow and no show’, is no porn star (except in his mind), but I was going to town on one cute co-ed and noticed her frowning. I asked what was wrong. She said “You’re really big and it hurts a lot.” I said, “Okay, I’ll stop, then…” “Don’t you dare.” She said. About twenty other girls claimed I was ‘big’, three said I was ‘small’ (and were subsequently sent packing), and the rest (over a hundred) had no comment at all, leading me to theorize that size really wasn’t a factor with most women. If you feel under-equipped, take some comfort in the fact that size is no inhibitor in your enjoyment of sex. (Old joke: A biker drops his drawers before a girl he’s taking to bed, revealing a two-inch penis. The girl declares “Who do you think you’re gonna satisfy with that?” The biker grins and says “Me.”) That’s right, you’re going to get off every time. Furthermore, the penis is designed to transfer sperm and eliminate urine, not necessarily to stimulate women; your hands and tongue are much better tools for the job. Also, deep penetration is actually unnecessary, since the majority of a girl’s nerve endings are in the entrance to her vagina, not deeper inside. The deeper inside a girl’s vagina you go, you actually cause pain, not pleasure. The real length that matters is the length of time that you can make love to her. The MCD showed that most girls who (can) have vaginal orgasms take more than ten minutes to reach them; clitoral orgasms tend to be quicker. But ask yourself when was the last time you lasted ten minutes or longer before reaching climax, while inside a woman’s vagina? Time seems to slow for us during the build-up to orgasm; we think we’re spending half an hour on her when we’re actually only spending fifteen minutes. Place a clock next to the bed and discreetly time yourself. 245


One of the greatest sexual skills you can develop is that of staying power, the power to last longer during sex, and it’s really only a type of self-control and patience where you override your body's natural desire to thrust in and out of her at eighty miles per hour. Combine that with a good deal of quality foreplay, use of multiple positions, and a good deal of afterplay, and you’ll be beating girls off with sticks.

The Human Body does not Have sex organs, it Is a sex organ. You’ve got at least nine body parts you can use during sex; she’s got twelve. Learn ‘em, know ‘em, live ‘em. (Yeah, I’m going to tell you what they are in a few minutes.)

Her orgasms are Not your responsibility. Whew! Feel better now? I thought so. Yeah, for centuries we’ve been slaves to the notion that it’s the man’s responsibility to ‘bring’ the woman, but it’s just not true. Some women wouldn’t have orgasms if they came (ha bloody ha) gift-wrapped from Bloomingdale’s. If you think it’s up to you to provide a woman’s orgasms, you might as well provide all of her sneezes, belches and yawns. Go ahead and wave that magic wand, Merlin, and let me borrow it when you’re done. You can obviously help give a woman an orgasm; indeed you should, as a gentleman. I do my best, but if a woman doesn’t have an orgasm, I still get plenty of sleep. Ultimately the female orgasm is a twitch of pelvic nerves and muscles, with a quick flush of blood through that same region. That’s that. Most women achieve orgasm naturally and easily; some simply don’t, and it’s nobody’s fault. I theorize that women can psyche themselves into orgasm—once I’ve actually talked a woman into an orgasm—but in the final analysis, a woman’s orgasm is up to her. It is up to You to unleash her Inner Freak. Do not expect your girlfriend to come over in a Catwoman outfit. Virtually none of the Class of 1983 had trapezes set up in their bedrooms, or video 246

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cameras, or edible underwear, whips or chains, or anything out of the ordinary. (In fact, some of them thought wearing black underwear was outrageously kinky; a few were so shy and retiring they couldn’t do ‘it’ without making sure their stuffed animals were facing away from the bed.) Seeing this, I thought sexually adventurous women were a rare and secret breed of their own, all living on Fantasy Island somewhere or only existing in magazines or films. Then, lo and behold, when I began suggesting edible underwear, or sex in unusual places, or any bit of variety at all, I found most of them all too willing to experiment, and very excited by the prospect as well. But I had to suggest it, and if you want sexual variety, the odds are that you’ll have to suggest it too. It is up to you to unleash her Inner Freak. Think you can handle her?

Fucking does not mean Having Sex; Having Sex does not mean Making Love. Fucking is a sex act between two people who are in it for raw pleasure and couldn’t necessarily care less about each other. Moralists tend to frown on it but I find it a better pastime than murder or arson. There is little if any foreplay (twice I was lucky to get a warning!) –as one girl commanded me: “Get down, get on, get in, get off, get up, get dressed, get out.” I think she summed it up. The Bible would call this fornication, which is bad, but I’ve noted that among the Commandments there is Thou shalt not commit adultery but Not Thou shalt not fornicate. I’m pretty sure that if Thou shalt not fornicate was a Commandment, the human race would have imploded centuries ago in a messy explosion of backed-up estrogen and testosterone. As you get to know women, you’ll find that the majority of them aren’t all that much into fucking as they are into having sex or making love. Since fucking is usually a get-it-done-quick affair, it tends to initially excite women but leave them unsatisfied. Female sex drives are usually in first gear while we’re already shifting into fourth, and she’s just beginning to get into it when you hit your climax and tell her to hit the road. This doesn’t have to happen. I feel that when a 247


woman has granted me entrance to her body, it’s not given lightly, and I do my best to show my appreciation. (If it is given lightly, send me an e-mail and stall her ‘til I get there. The poor girl obviously needs my help.) Having sex is an easily-achieved upgrade from fucking, and it’s what most of us are familiar with. It’s with a partner you’re comfortable with; you know she’s not going anywhere, so you don’t feel a need to be Joe Batteringram. Practically the only difference between having sex and making love is that you’re not in love with the person you’re having sex with. This isn’t against the law as far as I know, unless you’re cradlerobbin’. Also, having sex is generally a qualifier for making love, for most of us, anyway. While some idealists howl that you should be in love with someone before you have sex with them, it can be a time bomb of dismay to fall in love with someone first, only to find out that they have a paralyzing fear of sex, or give you a paralyzing fear of sex, or whatever. (One of my recent relationships was with a girl I thought was IT, yes, finally, here’s The One, she’s gonna ride me into the sunset and we’re gonna live happily ever after. I played a patient White Knight until we went to bed, and discovered that sex with her was physically painful, requiring almost an hour of intercourse before I ‘climaxed’. Of course, said hour was great for her, so she couldn’t understand what the problem was.) Making love is having sex with a woman you’re in love with. You can fuck, or have sex with anyone else. You already know you’re in love; this is how you prove it. This is where giving her pleasure is a pleasure for you, even to the point where you’ll forsake your own pleasure to please her. Obviously I’ve got nothing against fucking or having sex, but it’s my fervent hope that each and every one of you will find a girl that you can make love to at least once in your life, as the experience of making transcends the mere physical pleasure of sex. Now, lick your finger, touch it to her clothes, and let’s help her out of those wet things. 248

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Prepare To Dive! Okay, if we Americans are the Kings and Queens of sex, with all of our beautiful women, handsome horror writers, sex education, sexual films, songs, magazines, advertisements, et cetera…why do we even bother taking each other’s clothes off? I’m serious. Why get undressed? Why not just unzip each other’s pants and get right down to brass tactics? It’d be quite the time-saver, wouldn’t it? And we’re all about saving time nowadays. (Actually, it’s because we’re not the Kings and Queens of sex. The Swedes make us look like amateurs, and the French have a neat phrase: “There are no frigid women, only inept men.”) Never mind, I think I got it. It’s not us, it’s our bodies themselves. We disrobe each other on automatic pilot. Your bodies want to cool themselves by evaporation at the surface (‘sweating’), while getting closer to the stimulant (each other). It’s all good. Taking off each other’s clothes is not only necessary and fun, it’s actually an old subliminal ritual of trust. It’s showtime, if you will; no secrets here. But it’s also freakin’ hilarious, especially if you initiate sex in typical clothing. Most denim jeans tend to bunch around your ankles, leaving you to hop around on one foot like a spastic flamingo, or wildly trying to kick your way out of them while you’re already on top of her, frenching away. Lace-up shoes are also fun in the heat of the moment, as we forget how to unlace them (or just don’t care to), and push them off to fly across the room. And then there’s the matter of her clothes, with the dreaded Bra That Doesn’t Know When to Quit. (These get easier once you discover that almost all of them work the same way, by gently moving the ends of the straps toward each other. If this gives you any trouble, shamelessly buy a bra and practice unhooking it until you can do it in the dark with one hand.) But since you and the lady only care about the end result, disrobing is obviously no big deal. The only ‘rules’ of disrobing are: 249


1. Don’t rip her clothes to shreds unless asked. Naturally, with the high priority women place on their clothing, she’ll never ask you. If you think it’ll turn her on, or make you seem manly or savage, buy her a cheap, simple outfit, ask her to put it on for you, then destroy it. Who knows, maybe it will turn her on. 2. Do stop if you feel a firm, desperate hand clamping down on yours as you move to strip her. This usually occurs, if ever, when you’re removing her pants. Sometimes you can persuade her by letting go, stimulating the rest of her, and trying again ten minutes later, but I wouldn’t press the issue. This isn’t a primer on date rape. 3. Do take your socks off, too, if you’re going to have sex. I know it seems unnecessary because they’re not in the way of anything, but it’s a slap in the face to some girls, who equate it as a message of “You’re not worth getting completely undressed for.” And it just looks bad. You can make disrobing easier, and a bit more classy and suave, by trying the following: As stated earlier, keep a sign reading Please Remove Your Shoes at the entrance to your house or apartment. Ka-ching, that’s one item of clothing out of the way, and it lets you start heating her up with a cool foot massage, at your option. Some girls might complain that their feet are gross or whatever; all you have to do is say “Well, if your feet are gross, what about the rest of you?” (Just kidding! Don’t say that one!) “Relax, I’ve been trained by the government” or “This is an important part of your foreplay”. The soles of a woman’s feet are a love-zone that can drive them up the wall…just learn the difference between massaging her feet and tickling them. (Many moons ago, your humble servant rubbed a waitress’ feet at a restaurant we worked at. I was just being nice at the time, but she dragged me back to her place twenty seconds after we clocked out. A definite opportunity presenting itself!) 250

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If the party’s at her place, opt for dress slacks instead of jeans. Unlike jeans, slacks are loose enough that they simply slide right down as soon as you unzip them, letting you easily step out of them. Also go for slide-off loafers instead of lace-up shoes, and clean boxer shorts, or no underwear at all (‘also known as ‘going commando’)…it just gets in the way, after all. (You’ll notice ‘clean boxer shorts’ have been referred to twice. You might want to think about getting some, as most women prefer these over ‘tighty-whities’. Boxers also look slightly less embarrassing in public than jockey shorts do, in the event of a fire, or her suddenly-remembered husband.) For a fun new twist, Ask her to take her own clothes off…slowwwlllyyy. Most girls are happy to do this. It helps if you play a nice slow ‘bump & grind’ style love song as she does so. This is also a good opportunity to make use of that strobe light from the For The Advanced Gigolo section of fun household appliances. (Similarly, if you feel buff enough, feel free to return the favor and strip for her.) An even groovier scheme is to take your own shoes and socks off with some apparent (fake) pain, and then groan “Damn, my arthritis is really flaring up tonight. Would you do me a huge favor and take my clothes off for me, angel cake?” It’s great because it makes you feel like a god, and gives her the opportunity to do some savage teasing. When you get really comfortable with each other, a fun thing to do is invite her over for dinner and be already naked when she gets there. Act like you’re doing the most natural thing in the world. Serve the food while saying things like “Drafty in here, isn’t it?” or “Damned hot today, isn’t it?” If she inquires about your nudity, just say something like “Oh, I couldn’t find anything clean to wear” or “I’m naked? Really? Hey, you’re right. I knew I forgot something.” 251


(Optionally, make this into the prize in a bet over something: the loser has to either cook for the other or do their housework, totally nude. This is the kind of bet that’s fun to win or lose.) If you’ve got the inclination and/or the green, have a custommade suit with hidden Velcro fastenings that comes off in one yank, like Leslie Nielsen’s in The Naked Gun. Presto! She’s stunned, and you’re ready for action. Later, you can recoup your costs by becoming a male stripper (in which case the suit becomes not only a costume but a tax write-off). A lot of you guys would like to see your girls slip into something more comfortable (in your opinion), such as black baby-doll nightgowns, leopard-print body stockings, leather dominatrix outfits, Catholic schoolgirl uniforms, etc. Hey, whatever floats your boat. But do not expect her to have these already hanging in her closet; be prepared to buy them for her…and when you do buy them for her, don’t expect her to wear them more than once or twice. In fact, a lot of those outfits have a tendency to mysteriously vanish after a month or so: “Hey, where’s that nun’s habit I bought for you?” (Long pause) “Ummmmm…the dog must’ve eaten it.” Why? First and foremost, such outfits usually aren’t comfortable (no, I didn’t try them on myself, I just asked my prior girlfriends why they weren’t wearing what I’d bought for them.)…they were too tight, too itchy, too hot, whatever. Secondly, some of the girls thought the outfits were unnecessary (that they were sexy enough without such accessories), or they made them feel cheap or sleazy. (Arrrggghhh!!! The Injustice! My first act as President: a 500% sales tax on all women’s clothing not already in Victoria’s Secret or the Frederick’s of Hollywood catalogues. Hey, c’mon, they’ve got business-type outfits, too…) You may be able to subliminally convince her to keep the outfits and/or wear them more often, by wildly appreciating her wearing it: wear a three-mile smile, tell her she looks like a red-hot love 252

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goddess, tell her it makes her butt look smaller, keep pouring on the compliments, make the sex long-lasting and outrageous. Do this every time she wears the outfit until sex without it seems lame by comparison. Finally, remember that there’s no law against having sex with some (or most) of your clothes still on. It’s particularly good when you’re both hot and bothered and in a hurry, and it’s good for sex in unusual places (outdoors, public, etc.) where you might need to get dressed again in a hurry. This is short on comfort & flexibility but long on excitement, since a top female fantasy is about getting it on in an area where they might be discovered. Also, spontaneous sex while partially clothed can give her the feeling of being ‘ravished’. Spontaneity’s great, make no mistake, but a bit of planning on your part can make things easier, too. I once asked a girl if she’d like to see a hit movie for our 11th date: she happily agreed. I told her that there would be one ‘prerequisite’: she had to wear a skirt with no underwear beneath. She agreed again, and the Drive-In was never so much fun… And now that we’re all happily naked…

Foreplay Yes, once again, it’s up to us. Foreplay is basically every sex act leading up to actual intercourse itself: there’s disrobing, kissing, teasing, massage/heavy petting, everything. Even oral sex can be considered foreplay, but don’t feel limited to these items, or that you have to go in any particular order. However, to satisfy a woman (and keep her satisfied), you must not only provide foreplay but master it; you have to make it the most important element in lovemaking, because as far as she’s concerned it is the most important element in lovemaking. A survey of 98 women (not mine) showed that only 16% of them said orgasm was the most satisfying thing in sex; 58% said foreplay was. When asked what area of sex they would like to see 253


improved, 65% of them again mentioned foreplay.* The great thing about foreplay is that it equalizes the male and female sex drives. We’re usually in fourth gear when she’s shifting into second, and we can only stay in the vagina so long before shooting to thrill. After that, we’re falling asleep while she’s just heating up. But with enough foreplay, you can arouse a woman so that she climaxes about the same time you do…or even earlier, which is even better. On the other side of the coin, little or no foreplay results in a ‘quickie’ which leaves you satisfied and her wondering what the hell happened. This is where we get that old joke: ‘Why do so many women fake orgasms?’ ‘Because so many men fake foreplay’. In its most pragmatic sense…taking away all of the warm fuzzy flowery Harlequin Romance rhetoric, foreplay makes her vaginal walls sweat to grant access for your penis (also known as ‘getting wet’). If you’ve ever tried to enter a girl who wasn’t wet, you already know it’s like trying to enter a baseball glove. Foreplay also raises her body temperature, heart rate and breathing rate; you’ll know you’re getting results when you see a rosy glow appear on the skin of her face and chest; this is known as the sex flush. Getting back into the warm fuzzy flowery Harlequin Romance rhetoric, foreplay is more satisfying for her than intercourse because you are visibly, deliberately stimulating her. She sees and feels you kissing her neck, her breasts, and/or licking and fondling her labia and clitoris, she knows you’re doing it to make her feel good, and to her that is being loved, if not worshipped (once again, women’s sexuality is mental… emotional and psychological… whereas ours is physical). Compare that to actual intercourse, where you’re usually laying on top of her, moving in and out of her at mach speed, only using your hands to support your weight, and your top priority is getting off. If you think your top priority in intercourse is getting her off, you’re deceiving yourself. The majority of women do not have vaginal orgasms. Intercourse obviously feels good for them since the entrance to the vagina is rich in nerve endings, and they know it feels 254

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good for you, which adds to their enjoyment. But if your top priority is getting her off, you’d forego intercourse altogether and simply bring her to clitoral orgasm with oral sex and hand techniques. Since the majority of women have clitoral orgasms, it doesn’t matter if you’re hung like a gas pump or not. Stimulating her clitoris is possible during intercourse, more frequently in the girl-on-top or rear-entry positions, but it’s guaranteed by the use of your hand or mouth. Want some words to live by? The late, great Sam Kinison said “Make ‘em come twice before they even see your dick.” Even though Sam was obviously no sex-god, this advice is right on the money. My philosophy of foreplay is that foreplay isn’t over until she’s had at least one orgasm. Think about it: if you make a girl come twice in the same session, she’s gonna return your phone calls pretty damned fast, even if you’re an amputee with leprosy and Tourette’s Syndrome. Foreplay does not necessarily start when you touch her, it can actually start by your setting the mood. Unplug the phone, light some candles and incense, and… Read her a romantic poem. Put on a slow song and dance with her. Describe a fantasy to her by whispering it in her ear. Take a shower together, or run her a hot bath and scrub her back and massage her feet. Feed her strawberries dipped in melted chocolate or whipped cream. Sit down and watch a romantic and/or adult film together. Do a striptease for her. Give her a massage. Put an old but clean blanket on the floor, have her lie on it, then cover her with baby powder or baby oil. Buy edible, flavored ‘body paints’ and write sweet nothings all over her body. What you do next is up to you; there are a variety of hand and oral 255


sex techniques listed in the upcoming sections. Whatever it is, make sure of two things: Make sure it’s stimulating her: every woman’s different in what she wants or needs; unfortunately, most of them won’t tell you what they are. For example, I’ve wasted huge amounts of time trying to stimulate some girls who had very large breasts (well, it wasn’t that much of a waste since I was like a kid in a candy store the whole time) but were also the sort of girls who didn’t receive a lot of sensation from their breasts. I was like, “Well…?” and they were like “Oh…ah…I appreciate it, but that doesn’t do much for me.” Ah,

thanks for the newsflash! Ask a woman how/where she likes to be touched. Don’t be surprised if she says “Oh, the usual” or “Wherever you want”. A lot of women are just too damned embarrassed to ask to be touched the way they want. In that case, take her hands and put them on yours. Whisper in her ear: “Just put these anywhere you want them.” Then whenever you’re ready, take her hands and put them on each side of your face. Make sure it lasts at least fifteen to twenty minutes. Keep your alarm clock or watch within eye contact and see if you can make foreplay last for half an hour. It could be ten minutes of massage, ten minutes of ‘breastwork’ and ten minutes of oral sex; whatever works for you and this particular girl. You’ll probably want to slap me for saying “take your time” at this point, because time seem to warp around sex. Your increased heart rate seems to make everything last longer, when it’s all happening in moments. Pretend you’re on a deserted island with her and it’s the only thing to do. Many times your woman will actually try to end foreplay by snatching at your penis, or demanding that you fuck her. That’s when the real fun starts, because the longer you make her wait before you enter her, the better it is. She can whisper “Fuck me” and you can say “What? I didn’t catch that.” Naturally she’ll start pleading with you or commanding you, and you can say “I’ll fuck you when I’m damned good and ready!”, and it’s one of life’s greatest moments. 256

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Over time you’ll find what works best for you and your woman, but don’t be afraid to alter your approaches to foreplay. Change your techniques, mix them and match ‘em, create a whole bunch of different ‘routines’ to use, rather than doing the same thing over and over…this will make sex new & exciting each time even though you’re already comfortable with each other. (Having said all this, I’ll also concede that there will be times when women don’t want foreplay…and during those times you probably won’t want it either. Suddenly the mood strikes the both of you and you’re ripping off each other’s clothes like werewolves. It’s all over in five minutes, and she doesn’t even care if she didn’t have an orgasm. These ‘quickies’ can be a lot of fun; just remember not to be so quick that you forget to use birth control.)

First Time’s A Charm Let us consider The Virgin (at least those blessed women who inform of us that fact ahead of time). Keep in mind that although virgins are extraordinarily low risks for sexually transmitted diseases, this is never an iron-clad guarantee. Also, virginity does not mean that said girl is frigid or hasn’t had any sexual experiences…God knows that some girls who won’t let you deflower them can still move (on you) in mysterious ways. A lot of girls will indulge in oral or anal sex and still deem themselves virgins so long as no one has entered their vaginas. They can even answer “Are you a virgin?” on a polygraph test with a “Yes” and pass, since the classification of virginity is technically up to the girl. If you’re dating a girl who’s using her virginity like an end in itself, it could very well be that she has other psychological misgivings about sex. Generally speaking, you’ll wait months (at best), or until marriage, before actual intercourse, and even then it won’t be anything to write Mother about. I don’t think such girls are deranged, but I personally try to keep such relationships platonic. “Still a virgin? 257


Great. Where’s your sister?” However, most girls will keep the fact to themselves, and then at the moment of truth they’ll say “Please…be gentle.” That doesn’t mean “run”. In fact, it’s an honor to be chosen by a woman to be her ‘first mate’, if you will. I’ll never forget the time Jennifer said “Um, well, I haven’t really been with anyone…Ken.” I tried not to drool as I said “Y’know, I think I could be of some assistance…” There can be a bit of pain for a woman on the first time out, and using ‘Wham-Bam-Thank-You-Ma’am’ techniques…or even typical techniques…might traumatize her about sex and she’ll take it out on the rest of us (And if she takes it out on me, I’ll track you down and take it out on you). This is a time to be “Slow an’ Easy”, as David Coverdale would say. In fact, I think it’s a good idea to treat every woman like a virgin the first time you have sex with her; you can’t go wrong that way. So here’s your…

Step by step (inch by inch) Deflowering manual 1. Establish that she does, indeed, want to have sex. If she asks in a husky whisper if you have a condom, there you go. If she seems quiet on the subject, ask. 2. Set the mood; at least turn on some music, lower the lights, unplug the phone. Also make sure you have birth control and that your hands and nails are trimmed and clean. 3. Disrobe her slowly, taking time to kiss/lick/stroke/fondle every area you’re uncovering in turn. I like to take a girl’s shoes off first, rub her feet and work my way up. 4. Use a lot of gentle and reassuring communication: she’s beautiful, she’s exciting, you’re going to take your time, that everything’s going to be awesome because you normally charge $100 but you’re willing to do her for free this time (Okay, you can leave out that last line). 258

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5. Arouse her as much as you can with massage and foreplay for at least twenty minutes (even better: spend twenty minutes on her breasts alone), working your way ‘down’ her body. 6. Stroke & massage her inner thighs, gradually easing her legs apart, then begin gently stroking the exterior of her vagina (labia major, labia minor & clitoris). 7. Perform oral sex on the same area (after assuring her that this is perfectly natural and she won’t burst into flames from it or anything), licking the labia (vaginal ‘gates’) thoroughly but going gentle on the clitoris as it will be incredibly sensitive from this first contact. If you can bring her to climax in this manner, do so, but at least make sure she’s thoroughly lubricated…with your own saliva, if not her own juices. 8. When she’s ‘well-oiled’, slowly and gently insert a clean and short-nailed finger into her vagina. When I say ‘slowly and gently’, I mean if it takes two or three minutes, let it. Slide it slowly back and forth, and then follow it with another finger when her walls are relaxed enough to accept it. 9. Slowly trace both fingers in gradually widening circles inside her to gently stretch the entrance to her vagina. Also, don’t crouch over her like a gynecologist or a bird of prey while you do this; lay down alongside her, kiss her, stroke her breasts and back with your free hand, whisper in her ear. At this point she might even be commanding you to enter her now; just tell her to relax and be patient, as you put on a Lubricated condom. 10. Mount her in the missionary (male-on-top) position…this time. Bring the head of your penis to the entrance of her vagina (since it doesn’t have a big ‘bull’s-eye’ painted on it, it can be tough to locate…if you need assistance, take her hand and put it around your penis, letting her ‘aim’ you.) but do not enter her. Just spend a few minutes easing the very tip of your penis in and out of her, alternate this with softly grinding the tip against her clitoris, and back to her vagina. Spend a few more minutes easing the head of your penis into her; if/when you feel a barrier, this is the hymen 259


(‘maidenhead’/’cherry’). One thrust usually pierces it, and the pain is momentary. Bite her neck, ear or shoulder (not too hard) when you make that thrust; the distraction can cover up the pain altogether. If you don’t feel a barrier, it doesn’t mean she lied—a lot of women break their hymens naturally in their early years by playing sports, riding bikes or whatever. 11. Enter her slowly, in a start-and-stop fashion: go in a little, withdraw, then back in a little further, withdraw, and so forth. When you’re completely inside her, stop moving and relax for a minute, letting her relax as well. Keep kissing her the whole time. 12. Begin making pelvic thrusts, gradually increasing their force and speed to match her readiness and/or encouragement. Say her name out loud, over and over while you do it, praising her as The Hottest, The Tightest, The Best, etc. After a little while both of your bodies will be on Automatic Pilot on a trip from virginity to ecstasy! 13. When you hit your orgasm, make a big federal case out of it…yell, cheer, shake, rattle, roll, throw Frisbees across the room, whatever, just make it obvious to her that She has pleased you. 14. Don’t jump off of her and run for the hills afterwards. Hold her close, keep kissing her and telling her how great she is. Since her vagina’s eager to stretch back to its original size, withdraw and hold the end of the condom in place so it doesn’t get pulled into her! It can happen and it’s a damned bad scene. Don’t stake your life on her getting off the first time; some girls simply can’t or won’t climax the first time out, even if you’re hung like the Great White Buffalo and you spend three hours on her. Her orgasm doesn’t have to be your personal crusade; just take your time and make it last, be as gentle as you can and make sure she knows you had the Mother Of All Orgasms (even if you didn’t, make it seem that way). Don’t forget, you can always manually or orally stimulate her afterwards…actually, you should make this ‘Afterplay’ a habit. Not all virgins experience pain their first time, and I hope our just and loving God has found you one. However, in the event she begins 260

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wailing in agony, or is even in obvious discomfort, you may want to withdraw and keep things on an oral level until next time. Sometimes those ‘gasps of passion’ are actually gasps of pain, so it’s always good to ask a girl if she’s enjoying it. Some women, God bless ‘em, will throw their own enjoyment to the winds and bear the pain in order to spur you to climax anyway. Can’t pierce the hymen? It happens. Some hymens are overly thick and steadfastly resist your attempts to get past them (“Ain’t Nobody gettin’ into my girl, no way!”) If you can’t get through, it’s better that she has it removed surgically. By a doctor, not you. Sorry. Naturally, some of you will never even meet a virgin, and that’s quite all right. However, I advise you to treat all your women as if they WERE virgins the first time you make love to them; that way you really can’t go wrong. If she’s not a virgin but a member of the ‘Harder/Faster’ club, you can always easily adjust your approach to suit her needs.

Your Next Stop: Her Hot Spots There are those that think that the female body has three or four sensitive areas. There are also those who think that the world is flat. The yummy female bod is loaded with hot-spots, and lovemaking should include most, if not all of them. Again, being individuals, every woman has their own physical agenda of how and where she likes to be touched. For example, some large-breasted women get little sensation from their breasts, but far too much attention paid to them, ergo, you can be working on her breasts for aeons without a response. But everything can be fixed, I think…and you’re just the rock & roll doctor to fix it! Now Dive!

Dive! Dive! 1. The Brain 261


Shove a Brillo Pad into her left ear, and…stop! I was just kidding. You can’t give her a brain massage, but you can stimulate her imagination, which is probably the ultimate pleasure zone a woman has. I would exhaust countless pages and slaughter thousands of innocent trees giving you clues here, but it’s best left to your creativity, because I assume you know this girl. Just remember that women fantasize as much as we do, maybe even moreso, so use that to your advantage. Here are some basic suggestions: A. Find out her measurements and rent or create some costumes. Act out a sexual scenario such as the old classic “Convict And The Milkmaid”, or create a one-act play using different characterizations, foreign accents, or whatever you like. B. Entice her to make love in a different setting, presumably the great outdoors. Golf courses (really soft grass, especially on the greens…”Cinderella story—I think he’s gonna use a seven-iron on this one—oh, it’s in the hole! It’s in the hole!” Don’t forget to wash your balls…), private beaches, mountaintops (getting there is half the fun), forests, whatever you like. Also closets, airplane bathrooms, swimming pools and saunas can be exciting…let your imagination run wild. C. Try the Ultimate Tease: get her in the mood, but don’t enter her until she begs you to. D. Have sex over the phone. It’s a trip, and costs a lot less than those ridiculous 900 numbers. E. Get ‘fit to be tied’; take turns blindfolding or tying each other up, and then start the Ultimate Tease. As long as you’re reasonably gentle, bondage isn’t as sick and twisted as most people think. F. Read on…

2. The Lips Ahem, the ones on her face, ya sleazebag (Not that the other ones should be neglected, of course). Obviously a kiss is their preferred 262

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method of stimulation, and I’m assuming you already know how to do that. However, there are a few interesting variations you can use to liven up kissing. A. Kiss one of her lips at a time, the upper or lower. B. When ‘frenching’ (tongue-kissing), gently close your lips over her tongue. C. For a bit of fun, start drawing all the air out of her lungs into yours. D. Pretend you’re going to kiss her, then close your lips over her nostrils and Exhale really hard. A laugh riot! E. Give a series of short, rapid-fire ‘sugar smack’ kisses. For bonus points, start giving her a nice romantic speech, ‘punctuating’ each word with a kiss. F. Lick her lips individually after kissing them, or gently suck on them (don’t bite!). G. After kissing her lips, slide around and kiss her cheeks, eyelids, earlobes and neck.

3. The Hands Did you know? There are 5 million touch receptors in the human body. Did you also know that 2 million of them are located in the hands? Well, now you do. Hold hands with your woman whenever appropriate; this is as important to women as oral sex is to us (it also gives Competitors an advance signal of “Back off, she’s with me”). Beyond holding hands, try this: A. While holding hands, massage her palm with your thumb, and the webbing between her fingers with your fingertips. B. Massage the backs of her hands, and wrists. C. Do a ‘Fake Palm Reading’: take her hand, place it palm-up on a table, and run your fingers over it lightly, humming under your breath. When she says “What do you see in my future?” Say “A lot of really great, stress-relieving sex.” 263


D. After the ‘Reading’—or whenever you feel like it— take her hand, raise it to your face and lick the webbing between her middle and index fingers. This is a turn-on, but it’s also a subliminal “I want to eat you” signal. E. While having some sort of gooey, sweet dessert, distract her and then spoon the dessert over her hand, then lick it off. This is a little brash in an upscale restaurant, but I can’t see you getting thrown out over it, either. F. During sex, take her hands and place them on areas of your body (or hers) that you want her to touch. It’s awesome putting a girl’s hands over her own breasts and watching her stroke herself while she’s in the Girl-on-top position, and it also frees your hands up to roam elsewhere. 4. The Skin This is good, ‘cause you can’t miss it; she’s got skin all over her. Take one night to give her a hot-oil massage. Take another to give her an all-over tongue bath. Take another night to cover her in whipped cream. Take a shower or bath with her and scrub her oh so thoroughly. Invest in some silk sheets, ostrich feathers, vibration devices, or whatever you can afford or can buy without too much embarrassment. Note that heat also seems to do something to women where sex is concerned. I brought a few normally shy and retiring ladies into the dry spa of my apartment complex, where they inexplicably transformed into sweating, raving, lust-crazed wildcats! AAAIIEE!!

Don’t! Stop! Don’t Stop! Don’t Stop Some More! Also, sometimes less is more when you’re stroking a woman’s skin; try to stroke her with your hands, then stroke her with the tops of your fingertips only, and see which gets the best response. 5. The Breasts Contrary to popular belief, these aren’t all that important sexually; they’re just milk glands. But women pretty much expect us to dive on 264

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‘em, and I’d hate to disappoint them, wouldn’t you? First of all, if a woman’s breasts aren’t supermodel-quality, there’s no need to inform her of this. Some women have small breasts, some have huge breasts, some have one that’s slightly smaller than the other (One of my girlfriends knocked me for a loop when she revealed her inverted nipples! Keep it dark). Whatever the case, once you get her bra off, she’s inwardly pleading for your approval. No matter what they look like, tell her they’re nice, it’s a safe, generic term. If she’s got huge breasts, telling her that may make her feel bovine or too big. Once again, some women with very large breasts don’t always respond to stimulation right away; their nerve endings are spread out over a larger area, or buried farther beneath the skin. So stimulating such large breasts might take a while, but getting there is half the fun, I say. You have the breast itself, the aureola (ring around the base of the nipple) and the nipple to play with. So you don’t have to concentrate just on the nipple, even though most of you will anyway. Sometimes our fever-dream is to simply bury our faces in some cool cleavage. Hey, go for it. Concentrate on licking and sucking rather than nibbling or biting. Licking/sucking is obvious gentler than nibbling or biting, but I’ve found some girls that actually enjoyed having their breasts gently nibbled. Only a few girls actually liked their nipples bitten, but when two of them asked me to bite them, I complied, but couldn’t bring myself to bite them as hard as they apparently liked it, the freaks. For some other neat tricks, try these: The ‘Combination’: so named because of the vague resemblance to turning a combination lock. Oil up the webbing of your fingers (the soft folds of flesh between them at the base) with mineral oil, cocoa butter or what have you. Trap the tip of her nipple in the webbing between any two fingers, but usually the index and middle fingers, or the thumb and index finger. Using that as a central point, slide the palm of your hand around her breast gently, like you’re spinning a large, sensitive dial or a combination lock. Repeat this 97 265


times on each breast or until you drive her crazy. The ‘Rotating Palm’: slightly like The Combination, but instead of using your fingers on her nipple, you use the cupped palm of your oiled hand…but just barely, enough for her to feel it. Just rotate your palm softly against the tip of her nipples, and then alternate it with the combination. ‘Control Knobs’: with a bit more oil, turn her nipples slightly between the tips of your thumb and forefingers. That’s slightly, not ‘twist ‘em 360’. Damn, I have to watch you guys every minute, I swear. The ‘Arm-Hand-Hammer’: I’m going down on her, and I’ve got one or two fingers of my right hand in her vagina. My left arm is across her breasts with my left palm cupping her left breast and my lower forearm and elbow rubbing her right breast. It’s tricky, but I didn’t fall off a banana truck yesterday. The ‘Mother-engulfer’: you take her entire breast into your mouth. It’s actually pretty easy as her entire breast is ‘collapsible’. It’s simply a matter of opening your mouth as wide as possible and ‘breathing in’ the breast (and breathing through your nose afterwards). With practice, you can actually swirl your tongue over her nipple while the entire breast is trapped in your mouth. The ‘Underwire Relief System’: using your hands to gently roll her breasts upwards, lick the bottom of her breast, across the length of skin where her sadistic bra has bitten into her all day. After you lick it, breathe a warm blast of air across it, then repeat the process (the technique of licking followed by breath, that I call ‘striping’, can also be used anywhere else on her body that you want). The ‘Spiral’: starting at the bottom of her breast, fully extend and flatten your tongue, and spiral it over her breast, up to her nipple and back down. Repeat. The ‘Cleavage Attack’: push her breasts apart with your hands and lick her cleavage, turning your face from one breast to the other. The ‘Lithuanian Dog’: open your mouth, close it around her nipple, and ‘wag’ your tongue rapidly back and forth over her nipple, 266

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like a dog wagging its tail.

The ‘Best Use Of Ice Cream’: you and her share a pint of ice cream like giggling apple-cheeked children. But when it’s almost finished, you take the box (ostensibly one of those circular-shaped ones) and slide it over her breast, ‘capping it off’, if you will. Gravity will drag the remnants of ice cream down onto her breast, giving her a unique frosty sensation. Then remove the box and lick off the ice cream that’s gotten on her, you sleazy hog. The ‘Here, Take Over For Me’: during sex, when you’re really getting into the thrusts and concentrating on that more than her breasts, take a moment, grab her hands and place them on top of her breasts. It adds to her stimulation and it’s a glorious visual turn-on. The ‘Hawaiian Muscle-Fuck’: see Assume The Position. 6. The Ass To me, a woman’s glutes have a beauty all their own, and every girl gets a vigorous ass-massage free of charge, which is particularly nice in the girl-on-top or rear-entry position. There are two especially sensitive areas on her butt: one is at its top right where it begins to divide…just where her tailbone ends and her cheeks begin. Running your fingertips or fingernails over this area should make her quiver with delight. The other area is underneath her buttock right where her leg begins. This area gets ‘scrunched’ a lot and absorbs most of her weight when she sits down, so a good rub here is appreciated. Some variations: ‘Missionary support’: while having sex in the Missionary (man-ontop) position, take your hands, put them under her buttocks and lift upwards while making pelvic thrusts. This changes your angle of penetration, allowing your penis to rub against the G-spot, which rarely happens during sex unless you’ve got a dick with a hinge in it. ‘You’ve been a Naughty girl, Miss Moneypenny’: some girls can be turned on by being spanked. Obviously, you don’t want to use foreign objects or draw blood unless she requests it. Also, if your girl really has been naughty, this is possibly the only way to discipline her 267


without getting thrown in the slam. (I’d find it hard to visualize a girl calling the police with a complaint of “My boyfriend spanked me…too hard.”). Instead of really spanking a girl, I’m a fan of-‘Drumming’: non-painfully ‘drumming’ on her ass, just tapping out a beat to whatever song is playing, like her butt was the bongos. Not a huge turn-on, but different and fun. ‘The Periscope’: I couldn’t think of what else to call this one. You know how a periscope emerges from a submarine? Well, her ass is the submarine, and your dick is the periscope. Bear in mind at all times you are not fucking her in the ass! For ‘Up Periscope’: In the rear-entry/dogstyle position, slide your penis against, in and out of the ‘cleavage’ of her ass, so it emerges from the top of her ‘cheeks’. As your shaft rubs her anus and ‘taint’, she ought to get some stimulation out of this, and so should you. For ‘down periscope’, she’s laying flat on her stomach, and you’re above her, sliding your shaft down between her cheeks. Neither of these are incredibly satisfying, but they’re cool if you don’t have any birth control and there’s nothing good on TV that night. Be advised, that’s everything besides entering the anus. Out of the entire ‘Class of 183’, none have ever asked me to mess around inside there. Once, and only once, I thought I was fingering a girl only to discover I’d actually slid a finger up her backside. You would’ve thought she’d landed in the electric chair. I apologized profusely, and she put the gun down. If a woman begged me to do it, I might…otherwise, yeccchhh. The only benefits are tightness (so much so that merely entering is a chore), and the fact that it’s difficult to get her pregnant this way. If you moisten a finger and run it around the edge of her anus, it should close tightly. If you put a wet finger into the opening itself and she relaxes (the complete girl, not just the anus), the girl might be considered a candidate for anal sex. If she doesn’t relax, take that as a ‘no’. If she shouts at you and punches you in the face, good for her. If you manage to find a girl who wants anal sex, Praise God that you’ve found such an open-minded woman, use a condom and a 268

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large amount of lubrication. (“A condom? But she can’t get pregnant this way.” Really? Can you guarantee that no semen at all will contact the vagina, which is mere centimeters away? Also, the condom will hopefully prevent tears of your skin or hers, since blood-to-blood contact is the preferred method of travel for all our horrid viruses.) Take your time getting in there. Have (blecchh) fun. 7. The Neck Most of us, after kissing a woman on the lips, instinctively go for the throat. It’s no surprise; the female neck is smooth, sweet-scented and rich in nerve endings guaranteed to get her meltin’ I suggest pretending that the neck is actually a ‘third breast’, so you can use some of those same techniques here…”Striping” here is particularly effective. The ‘Love-Bite’, or hickey as it’s also known, is a deliberate hematoma created by sucking on her neck so hard blood gets trapped under the skin. It’s not so much a turn-on as it is a way of ‘marking your territory’…telling the world this is the main filly of my herd, so hands off. This tickles some girls, but most don’t like it. Try not to actually draw blood. The ‘Werewolf’: stretch your jaws apart into the widest area possible, and gently take as much of her neck into your mouth as you can, and bathe her with your tongue and breath. Caution: some girls might freak out on you, so use this after you’ve already gotten her all fired up. 8. The Underarms Not for the faint of heart, obviously, but a freshly-bathed woman is nice and sensitive. Feel free to pass on this area if she’s bursting out with hair or caked with deodorant. Otherwise, a few licks and kisses here can get some interesting reactions. Also, you can use her underarms to get her out of a bad mood by tickling her here until she gets giggly. 269


9. The Navel Here’s a nice rest-stop on the way to the ‘drive-in’, if you will. Just pretend that your tongue is a power drill, and see what happens. 10. The Thighs Especially the inner thighs. A true hotspot, so Dive! Dive! Dive! Technically, you can start at her ankles and lick your way up, but the insides of her legs are crammed with nerve endings. “Striping” here is particularly effective (sound familiar?), but merely stroking her thighs is a nice icebreaker as well. Have you ever had a woman pretend she was going to give you head, only to apply kisses to your navel, knees, happy trail, et cetera? Loads of fun, wasn’t it? (“No!” you roar angrily)—but if she did go down after teasing you, it made the end result better, right? Well, now you can do the same thing! In fact, send me an extra fifty cents just for reading that...What? What do you mean, we can’t…oh, a securities law. OK…never mind, there’s some kind of ridiculous law against it. 11. The Feet The human foot, particularly that pad of cartilage over the sole, absorbs over a ton of pressure every day, so any loving touch here shouldn’t go unrewarded. A fond memory: Samantha calls and says she’s had a Hellish day at work, but she’s coming over anyway. Wise choice. She arrives to lit candles, burning incense, chilling champagne and an open massage bed. I started working on her feet with sesame seed oil, and that alone took half an hour. The sex afterwards was mind-blowing, particularly since she was quite grateful. If you’ve got the stones, (and she’s got clean feet) suck on her big toe. If she moans and writhes and pants and trembles, she’s very sexually sensitive and will respond eagerly to most caresses. If she just sits there and gapes at you like you’re a nutcase, stop sucking on 270

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her big toe. Massaging the soles of her feet might not bring a woman to orgasm, but it’s very relaxing, very appreciated and very thoughtful of you; it’s a true token of affection…think of it as a gift you can give your girl at any time. Plus, you don’t have to be particularly skilled at massage to rub a girl’s feet. Just coat your hand with oil and knead her soles, rubbing/pressing upwards. Also work the tops of her feet and ankles, and oil & rub the spaces between her toes, unless she says it tickles too much. Relax, have fun, take your time. 12. The Ears Quite sensitive. Soft whispers here (especially “sweetnothing sweetnothing sweetnothing”) or heavy breathing work well, and a ‘wet willie’ (a quick dart of your tongue into her ear) really makes her sit up straight and take notice. If she has decent-sized earlobes, lick ‘em or suck ‘em as they’re generally quite sensitive. If she’s got small earlobes (or none at all—it’s possible), lick from beneath her ear to up around the back of it. Don’t forget to ‘stripe’ it. And don’t actually bite her ear, the only person who thought this was sexy was the Marquis De Sade. Also, certain words and phrases can drive women crazy when you whisper them into their ears. Stay tuned. 13. The Back This includes the shoulders and the backs of her legs. Women have such awesome backs, they’re so smooth and graceful. Nothing beats a back rub for setting the mood, especially for a girl who’s got the ‘pre-sex jitters’ (not that you should take advantage of them, of course). Before, during, after or instead of the back rub, try these: ‘The soft-scrape’: If you’ve got short and neatly-trimmed nails (which you should have, by now), try sliding the backs of your fingers down her back, shoulders and legs so that the tips of your nails just barely graze her skin. Sometimes their hair stands up on end; it’s great. 271


‘Rolfing’: This is similar to ‘drumming’, only you’re using the sides of your hands, the edge where your little finger is. It’s like giving her 1000 soft little karate chops. Rolfing really works the kinks out of tired muscles; licensed practitioners have been known to bring people to tears or unconsciousness by rolfing. Don’t think you need to go to this extreme, though. ‘The Second-Best Use of Ice Cream’: Have her lay on her front with her back slightly raised. Place a small scoop of ice cream between her shoulder blades and let it melt its way down her spine. Then lick it, lick it, lickitlickitlickit like THAT y’all…Feel free to substitute other foodstuffs, but ice cream is better ‘cause it melts. 14. The Vagina One would think this is the female hot-spot, and indeed it’s up there in the top three. But the vagina is slightly lower in sensitivity than the clitoris and Grafenberg Spot (‘G-spot’). Since it’s only slightly less sensitive, there’s no problem in planning a party around it anyway. It should be noted that the vagina’s petal-like openings (the labia) are incredibly rich in nerve endings and highly responsive, as well as the skin within the vaginal entrance. However, this sensitivity decreases gradually deeper in the vagina, until you reach the cervix which is about as sensitive as your spleen. While we’ve been brainwashed by porn, rock songs and football to ‘go deep’, I’ve found that only a small percentage of women (two out of 183 I know of) really ‘liked it deep’, the rest reported some pain at a certain point, or had no comment. Some researchers have found some women do have ‘deep orgasms’; I theorize that in addition to that, women actually are receiving a ‘triple pleasure’ by my going deep: my groin is rhythmically battering her clitoris, my scrotum is making contact with her perineum (or ‘taint’), and obviously my penis is surging back and forth inside her. So in essence, ‘going deep’ can be fun (if it doesn’t cause her pain), but it’s not ‘be-all, end-all’ or incredibly important to a woman’s enjoyment of sex. 272

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If you think you can’t ‘go deep’, you’re wrong. Simply tilt her pelvis upwards while you’re in the missionary position; this shortens her vaginal depth. She can lift her legs a bit, or you can place a pillow beneath her, or for maximum penetration, you can put her legs over your shoulders (this might look like it hurts her, but it rarely does. Always ask!). If a woman’s had children, or a lot of prior sexual partners, her vagina can feel a bit too wide for you. This can be changed over time if she does a lot of kegels. Kegels are a simple exercise for the pubococcygeal (PC) muscles. These are the muscles responsible for the contractions of childbirth; ‘kiddie catapults’, if you will. All a woman has to do is clench these muscles to stop her flow during urination. Also, you can, and should, do these exercises too! All you have to do is stop your own flow during urination, and you’re going to urinate six times a day anyway. (More on this later.) Oriental women use ben-wa balls (small sterile spheres of metal ranging in size from BBs to marbles) to strengthen their PC muscles by inserting them into their vaginas and keeping them inside by clenching the muscles shut (that’s why some Oriental night-spots feature super-strippers who can smoke cigarettes through their vaginas, or draw pictures with magic markers, or even pick up telephones. Nifty tricks, I’ll concede. Personally I’m holding out for a girl who can call my cell phone via her cell phone while it’s still inside her vagina.) Ben-wa balls can be found at most adult novelty stores While you’re at those stores, you’ll notice a variety of devices designed to stimulate the vagina (although some of them look designed to unclog storm drains, or to launch rockets at enemy aircraft). These devices (dildoes, vibrators, ‘silver bullets’, etc.) can indeed stimulate the vagina, but the MCD of women don’t seem to be into them, and vice versa. Out of the Class of 196, only two girls owned vibrators! I bought one for another girlfriend when I started traveling to do stand-up comedy, but she rarely used it, saying it was 273


too cold inside her, too smooth, just too foreign of an object. Vibrators might have multiple speed-settings, and dildoes might be antler-sized and have all kinds of raised bumps and ridges, but they don’t have the crucial elements of warmth and life. So don’t be surprised if your girlfriend doesn’t turn cartwheels of joy when you give her one for a present…and thank God most women don’t prefer using them, because if they did we’d never get laid. Having said that, there’s nothing wrong with using them, either; they can add a nice novelty element to sex and can also make cool ‘relief pitchers’ when your hand/tongue/penis is tired. One device I’ve found is a vibrator that’s just a small battery holder on a plastic ring; it clamps onto the base of my penis and turns the penis itself into a vibrator! It’s also got a remote-control attachment that lets me set its speed. It’s pretty neat; the only gripe I’ve got about it is that it keeps me from going all the way into her, and the infernal buzzing sound makes it sound like we’re making margaritas instead of making love. While most women would prefer your good old hard dick in their vaginas, it’s actually your hand that’s best suited to stimulate them. Unless you’re Gene Simmons, your tongue can only penetrate an inch or so into the vagina. And unlike your penis, your hand never needs an erection and can twist, turn, wriggle, spread, clench, etc. Try these: ‘Get A Grip’: more of a test than a turn-on, but fun regardless. Slide a single finger into her vagina. Ask her to grip it. If you can’t feel her gripping it, add another finger and ask her to grip those, and so on. If you can feel her grip on your first finger, she’s either really new to sex or really skilled in it but is a good catch either way. If you have three or four fingers in her and can’t feel her grip…ummm…well, look at it this way, she shouldn’t be in too much pain during childbirth. The ‘Handgun’: I do hope you’re not thinking what I think you are. Basically, you make a ‘finger-gun’ with your index finger and thumb, like you did when you played cops and robbers as a kid. But in this case, instead of killing your next-door neighbor, you slide your 274

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index finger into her vagina while manipulating her clitoris with your thumb. Be advised that this wears out your hand rather quickly, but she’ll be worth it. Before you wear yourself out, move up to... The ‘.32’: As the Handgun, but now you also have your middle finger in her vagina. The ‘.357’ and/or the ‘.44’: As the .32, but now you somehow have three or four fingers in her vagina. It can happen, especially with single mothers. If she can take the .44 while reading a book or doing her nails, some kegels may be in order. The ‘Flying V’: slide two fingers into her vagina, then turn them so they’re side by side. Then open your fingers into a slight V-shape. Raise them to the top of the vagina and down again, opening and closing as you do. Then turn your hand sideways and open and close your fingers again. The ‘Here, Take Over For Me’: While fingering her vagina, take her hand and make her massage her own clitoris. Loads of fun and less work for you. As stated earlier, you can only insert your tongue so far into the vagina…but that doesn’t mean she won’t appreciate it anyway! Insert your tongue every chance you get…just remember your limitations and try not to ‘overextend’. You really can injure yourself trying to “go where no man has gone before.” However, where she would really appreciate your tongue is… 15. The Clitoris The good old ‘panic button’! The future’s going to be great, because we guys will be able to have clitorises implanted onto our own bodies, so women won’t have all the fun. I’d like one on the back of my wrist, so I could wear a velcro-covered wristwatch, and when someone asked me the time, I’d say “Oooooohhhhh, it’s about four o’clock…” If you ever need proof that God wants us to enjoy sex, consider the clitoris. It has no other anatomical function than to provide pleasure! 275


This is just a little knob of wonders is at the top of her vagina where her lips begin and part, right? Wrong. That ‘little knob’ is merely the visible/exposed portion of the clitoris. The rest of the organ is actually beneath the skin, concealed within the labia minor/majora (vaginal lips). Most of us, having watched one or more adult films, instinctively go for the ‘knob’. What the hell, go for it. It can be hard to locate because it’s so small (generally it’s smaller than a pea), and when a woman’s not aroused it’s hidden under a small fold of skin. To add to the fun of the chase, sometimes it shifts around slightly beneath the fold of skin. In order to get around that, 'trap it’ between your lips so it stays put, then flatten your tongue and pretend you’re painting it with ninety-seven coats of saliva. As previously discussed, most women have clitoral orgasms. Many can and do have vaginal orgasms, but virtually all women respond to stimulation of the clit. (Ask a woman to masturbate and she’ll normally rub at her clitoris instead of fingering her vagina.) This is the great Equalizer of sex, because your penis is basically useless to the clitoris, so it doesn’t matter if you’re hung like the Great White Buffalo or not. Your fingers and mouth are the way to deliver a clitoral orgasm, and these don’t have to be huge or erect. Before you start pearl-diving, however, bear in mind that the clitoris is a bundle of nerve endings, and is hugely freakin’ sensitive. So if you’re thinking about gobbling it like it’s a chunk of beef jerky, or clawing at it like Ted Nugent playing a guitar solo, change your mind and don’t. You’ve got to go easy on the clitoris, at least initially. At higher stages of arousal, she’ll go for harder/faster touches. It’s usually good to start off with a soft circular rubbing of your hand over her labia/mons venus/vagina, and then gradually press your palm onto her clitoris. Optionally, move your hand in and upand-down motion over her. We normally use these two moves instinctively anyway, and it’s effective even when she’s still clothed. A variation of this is… The ‘Sidewinder’: place the side of your hand (little finger to wrist) down against her labia and clitoris and slowly slide it up and 276

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down, eventually curling your little finger and ring finger into her vagina on the upstroke. Repeat 185 times, in painstakingly slow motion. In the rear-entry/dogstyle sexual position, you can reach in front of her and manipulate her clitoris with your free hand. If you’re one of those guys hoping to get a simultaneous climax going, this is one way to help achieve it. In other sexual positions…Missionary and Female-Superior…it’s difficult for you to ‘give her a hand’ (especially Female-Superior, where she might crush your fingers beneath her plunging and rearing thighs). However, she can give herself a hand in these positions, and actually masturbate during sex. It’s slightly easier in the Missionary position, especially when you raise yourself higher above her. Not only is this a great visual turn-on, but it’s particularly useful for women who have difficulty reaching orgasms. All you really have to do is ask, or just take her free hand and place it for her. (In fact, try to arrange at least one session…before, during, after, or instead of sex…where she masturbates while you watch. While she does it, cheer her on, or munch popcorn, or whatever, but pay attention to how she touches herself. It will reveal about how long it takes her to climax, and how she likes to be touched. I’ve seen girls masturbate so frantically I thought they were trying to scrub their clits off, but I had to take into account their hands were smaller, softer and less strong than a man’s.) Due to its texture and moisture, your tongue is a bit kinder to use on her clitoris than your fingers. However, unless you expose the clitoris fully, you’re only licking a portion of it. To expose the clitoris fully, place your hands above the top of her pubic hair patch and

GENTLY push and/or roll the skin upwards towards her stomach. DON’T put your hands in her pubic hair patch and roll the skin upwards unless you want to get slapped in the face! Once you roll the skin upwards, the ‘hood’ of skin over the clitoris moves back and you can stimulate ALL of the clitoris, not just the front of it. In fact, next time you perform oral sex on a girl, first 277


do it ‘normally’, then use the ‘roll-back’. See which one gets more of a reaction out of her. Where her clit’s concerned, you can simply find it, trap it and lick/suck on it until her heels start drumming on the back of your head. If you want to get creative, try… The ‘Alphabet’: Also from the late Sam Kinison (who knows, maybe he was a sex-god). Basically, you lick the shapes of the letters of the alphabet over her clitoris. It’s not incredibly difficult to trace the letters Abcdetc with your tongue. “Does it work?” You ask. Well, let me tell ya a little story (yet again). I was at a film’s wrap party, and the director and his date and I and my date adjourned to the same bedroom. The lights went off, and my date was going down on me, and then we heard “Oh. God! Yes! Yes! Ooohh!! God! Yes! Ooohhh! Aaiee!!! Yes! God! More!!!” For about twenty minutes until I finally asked “What the fuck are you doing to her?!?!” Only later did he confide to me that he had indeed used Sam’s ‘alphabet’ trick. The ‘Windshield Wiper’: After ‘trapping’ the clit, open your mouth slightly and flick your tongue horizontally across it from side to side as fast as you can. Can you do that? I knew you could. The ‘Paintbrush’: Flatten your tongue so it’s at its widest. Now apply it to the bottom of her ‘wildflower’ and slide it up. And down. And up. And down. Repeat 57 times, or until she chains you up in her basement. The ‘Lip-Sticker’: Place your lips vertically on either side of her clit ( you may have to position yourself to the side of her), close your lips over her clit and gently suck her, or merely move your lips together like you’re chewing. Try to be gentle, at least for starters. The ‘Chin-up’: If your chin is shaved (and sometimes even if it’s not), you can use it to gently rub her clit, or at least until your jaw is able to move again. When you use these, or any techniques, listen and feel for her reactions. Every woman’s different and she might be more receptive to one move than another. If she squeals, thrusts back and crushes your face into her during a certain move, make that move a priority. 278

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16. The G-spot Officially known as the Grafenberg Spot, named after a German obstetrician who was quickly fucked to death after he discovered it back in the 1940s. This oh-so-easy-to-reach pleasure-zone is located inside her vagina, at the ‘roof’, about one to two inches back from the entrance. What it exactly is remains under debate: some call it the ‘female prostate’, others say it’s organic plumbing that drains the urethra. Regardless of its function, most women are incredibly grateful when you reach it and stroke it…some even have orgasms where they actually ejaculate a milky, harmless fluid. It’s impossible to reach with your tongue (drat!), and very difficult to contact with your penis, unless yours is one of the ‘curving upward’ variety. You may make contact if you have sex in the rearentry position, or in the ‘extreme missionary’ position (with her legs over your shoulders), or in the female-superior position if she leans over backwards or is some kind of contortionist. The best way to manipulate the G-spot is to place your hand palmup and reach in to her vagina with one or two fingers. Extend them as far as possible, then slide them across the roof of her vagina back towards you, like you were making a ‘beckoning’ (‘c’mere’) motion. It may help if she tilts her hips upwards. To add to the fun, make a ‘pincer’ out of your thumb and forefinger, like a Brit holding a teacup. Use the forefinger to stroke the G-spot while using your thumb to manipulate her clitoris. Note that although many women are stimulated by the G-spot, not all of them are; indeed, some don’t even know it exists. A few only feel a need to urinate when their G-spots are stroked. It doesn’t hurt to try and wake hers up, anyway. 15. The Perineum Also called “The Taint” due its location (It ‘Taint’ Ass and it ‘Taint’ Pussy). This is the short region of skin between the vagina and anus, and 279


it can be highly sensitive to licks or strokes. A nice place to visit, but you might not want to live there.

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‘Slide Guitar’: The Tale Of The Tape Before we go into her body in a little more depth (ha!), I want to share an electrifying idea that’s virtually supercharged my sex life. It can probably do the same for yours. When I was younger, I used to spend about twenty minutes tops on a woman before having my own climax, and crashing out. Then over time I learned a bit more about sex, especially the following: Music is nearly mandatory during sex (for me, anyway)… The mcd of women take an average of twelve minutes to reach orgasm… Changing positions helps you delay climax and last longer… Most contemporary rock songs are about four minutes long… “Yes! I’ve got it!” I screamed, and thrashed maniacally around the room as I began to record and mix my own personal ‘slide-guitar’ (sex-rock) tape. The first of several. Here was the first one, which I innocently labeled “Starchamber”: Side One 1. “Heft” (Fastway) 2. “Slow An’ Easy” (Whitesnake) 3. “Rock Candy” (Montrose) 4. “Sucking My Love” (Diamond Head) 5. “In The Mood” (Crimson Glory) 6. “Starchamber” (Crimson Glory) Side Two 7. “Voodoo Highway” (Badlands) 8. “Fire & Rain” (Badlands) 9. “Heaven’s Train” (Badlands) 10. “In A Dream” (Badlands) 11. “Love To Love” (UFO) 281


12. “Master Of The Wind” (Manowar) You might not have ever heard of these songs or bands, which is fine. There’s nothing magical or hypnotic about these songs; they’re simply melodic hard rock with romantic lyrics, slightly slower in tempo and a bit longer than average songs (also, out of my collection, which is mostly head-banging metal, these are the songs that don’t send women screaming out of the room). You can put whatever your heart desires on your tape or CD, as long as you like it and most women will tolerate it (I’d advise against hits like “Love Me Like A Reptile” by Motorhead, or “Blackened Are The Priests” by Venom). Beyond being just cool mood music, the songs on the tape actually signal me to start a different type of foreplay, or to switch into a new sexual position. Nowhere does the tape loudly announce “OK, it’s been ten minutes of heavy petting, start going down on her!” But when “Rock Candy” starts playing I know it’s my cue to do that. Arrange your songs and their subsequent ‘routine’ however you like. Mine works progressively: “Heft” is a pretty long song, about six minutes or so, so I’ll merely be kissing, massaging and disrobing her. “Slow An’ Easy” is about four minutes of progressively heavier petting until we’re both naked. “Rock Candy” is my cue to provide an allover tongue bath (breast stimulation and oral sex), and “Sucking my love” is her chance to reciprocate; the song hints at it and I slyly will too, but if she’s not an oral girl I’ll just stroke her clit until the next song begins (Actually, we might even be frenziedly 69ing at this point; it’s all possible because “In The Mood” is another six-minute song). “Starchamber” begins the actual intercourse; I enter her just as the singer says “Welcome to the stars” and kill the lights, allowing the glow-in-the-dark stars I’ve got painted all over my walls and ceiling to come into view. Then: Shazam! Hit the strobe light! It’s not just sex, it’s a freakin’ rock video. Each song thereafter is a new position, normally female superior/rear-entry/missionary, but it’s not set in stone; we can spend 282

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a whole song just cuddling and getting ready to start again. You might think, Hell, you can do all this without a soundtrack, and sure you can, but why would you want to? Furthermore, a good “slide-guitar” CD provides two other benefits: A) The change of sexual positions increases the length of time you can make love, because you leave a tight/moist/warm lovezone for empty/cool/dry room temperature air (even for a few moments), and your body reacts accordingly. It sure beats the hell out of looking at ugly baseball cards to control your erection. B) The tape itself practically cures impotence! Here’s why. If you’re familiar with NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming, as taught by Anthony Robbins), you know that certain stimuli create emotional states. For example, if you got spanked every time your little sister cried, eventually the sound of a girl crying will become anathema to you…a ‘Pavlovian reflex’ if you will. Similarly, if you play this tape every time you make love, eventually you’ll be ready to rock every time you hear these songs. I swear to God, whenever I hear “Slow An’ Easy”, I get harder than Chinese algebra and I’m ready to have sex with the Beast From 20,000 Fathoms (if that’s the only female in range). Most music stores already have stacks of ‘Various Artists’ Compilation tapes or CDs ready for you. Otherwise, make your own tape of whatever kind of music you like (country-western, reggae, whatever gets you off), but make a tape. You’ll be damned glad you did.

Slide Guitar II: The Yes Massage I am confident that most human beings currently in existence have heard, or at least heard of, the British art-rock group Yes. If you haven’t, you must be living under a rock. Now, Yes is an excellent band as most people would agree, but that’s really beside the point. The point is, certain Yes songs can be used, in combination with 283


massage techniques, to drive your woman into untold heights of ecstasy. If your woman doesn’t like Yes, she will after the Yes massage. In fact, she will be screaming the word Yes before you’re halfwaythrough. You need a CD with two songs: Starship Trooper and Roundabout. As these are considered some of their best works, they’re easily found on one of their Greatest Hits compilations. These two songs, like most of their songs, have a lot of intricate guitar and keyboard compositions and solos. First, listen to the songs, and close your eyes. Imagine that your girl’s smooth, awesome, oil-glistening back is your guitar, or keyboard. Simply move your fingers over her skin to match the notes of the song. Do this listening & imagining exercise a few times, until you’ve mentally ‘rehearsed’ the massage in your head. Starship Trooper a three-part song, the final part being a long instrumental called “Wurm”. It’s a repetitive acoustic guitar riff that gradually builds up with the other instruments joining in. During this part of the song, slowly let your hand ‘play’ the riff lower and lower down her back (or chest), until when the song builds to a crescendo, you’re massaging her vagina. Roundabout can be ‘performed’ in much the same way. Yes works for me, but optionally you can use the works of Dream Theater, Rush, or whatever band you think would make good ‘massage therapy’.

I’ll tell you things that you want to hear…I’m gonna whisper in your ear… Chances are you remember, or have at least heard of, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, and/or Elvis Presley. One probable reason you remember them is the screams. The shocking, thousand-decibel, dog-killing, nonstop screams of women, wherever they went, whenever they played. 284

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Were any of those guys really that good-looking? Granted, Elvis was tough to beat in his younger days, but women still screamed over him when he turned into a junk-food monster. Of the Beatles, perhaps McCartney looked okay. Mick Jagger? Tire-lips himself? Yeahright. What made them “Scream-worthy”? Was it really due to their hair length, British heritage or blazing guitar solos? Nope. It was their songs. No, not even that; it was their words: “Love me do”, “I wanna hold your hand”, “I want you, I love you, I need you”, “…And while I’m away, I’ll write home every day(?!), and send all my loving to you…” The hit parade goes on, but the point is these guys were “Scream-worthy” because they knew exactly what women wanted to hear, and they delivered. How many of us do that? A pitiful few. I used to think saying “Gimme some more of your ass” was romantic…clever me. It might be romantic for 4% of women worldwide…what about the other 96%? Ah. Romance. The Engine that runs the Universe. It begs to be cranked up into 5th gear, but most of us guys won’t even shift it out of Neutral. Because somehow we think that being (verbally) romantic is somehow cheesy, un-masculine, demeaning, etc. Real Men don’t talk like that, it’s for sissy Don Juan types, we’d rather club ‘em and drag ‘em back to the cave by their hair. But really, being verbally romantic is basically just telling your girl what you like about her. And you do like something about her, right? Of course you do. Try some of these: “I love your body.” “You’re incredible.” “Your hair is beautiful.” “You make me feel like a king.” “You’re an awesome lover.” “You look amazing in that dress.” “Your eyes are magical.” “You’re so fine.” 285


“You make love like a goddess.” “Your skin is so soft.” “Your legs just don’t stop, do they?” “Your mouth is Heaven.” “You’re de bes’ lookin’ chick who come down de pike! Oooohweeeee!” Now, how much did that hurt? Not a lot, I should think. Take five, and consider your girl: what turns you on about her? C’mon! There’s got to be something that stood her out from the crowd. What was it? Her eyes? Legs? Breasts? Walk? Laugh? Attitude? Tell her about it, as Billy Joel would say. Consider this, too: If you were in bed with your girl and she was constantly telling you things like “God, you’re so strong/hard/gentle/handsome/macho/thick/tender/tan/big…” would you hold her in high esteem? I think so. I can’t say it enough: Our (Male) Sexuality is visual. We’re excited by the look of women primarily, and other sensory delights as we get close enough to notice them. Female Sexuality Is Emotional, they’re excited by imagination, courtesy, chivalry, tenderness, seduction, and words (which don’t cost anything!). So you must talk to your woman before, during and after lovemaking, if there’s going to be any further lovemaking! And by ‘talk’, I don’t mean “How was work?” If you hope to keep her, tell her things that she wants to hear! Want another anecdote? Tough, here it is: Robin and I were laying on Disney’s private beach for employees, terminally hot for each other, but it couldn’t be helped, since we were surrounded by other Disney cast members. So I decided to try something new. I got a good glimpse of her bodacious hot-pink bikini and all the oiled, athletic young flesh it revealed, then I started to whisper in her ear. I said: “Robin, you’re the most beautiful girl in the world. Any guy at the park would sell his ass to be laying next to you…but because I am, I’m going to make love to you right now without laying a finger 286

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on you.” She gasped a little, but I kept going. “Close your eyes. Now, we’re all alone. You and me. I’m all yours and you’re all mine. And I’m holding you close, kissing your neck and telling you how beautiful you are…and you are beautiful, Robin, you’re the most beautiful girl in the universe. And I’m holding you close and laying you gently down on the blanket beneath me, feeling me on top of you. But that’s not quite good enough for you, is it, Robin…?” “Nnnnnoooo…” She moaned quietly. “No. You want me to take your bra off. And I’m doing that now, and your breasts are free of that torture chamber. Now a nice cool breeze flows across your nipples, and now your breasts are pressing against me. And your breasts are heating up as they touch me, like they always do…you get what I’m saying?…and I’m kissing them too, softly, taking them into my mouth, the way you like it…Can you feel it? Good. And now you want me, you’re crazy for me…” “Mmmmmnnnggghhhh!” She said eloquently (close to an animallust moan as I could write). “And I’m sliding off your panties and you feel me grinding against your pussy. You’re burning hot and soaking wet…My God, you’re wet! I can’t believe it…and you reach down and grab my ass and bring me into you…” “Oh My God—“ This was an opportune time to clasp a gentle hand over her pretty little gasping mouth. “And I just want to explore you, Robin, but that’s not good enough for you, is it…?” “Nnnnhh--!” “No. You’re pulling me into you, between your steaming hot thighs, making you feel like a woman, my lover…All the way in, Robin, and now I’m in you, I’m home at last, and I’m surging back and forth inside you, making love to you, and it feels great because your pussy’s so tight, it’s just grabbing my dick, and I’m kissing you, and your legs are wrapped around me, crushing me into you, and you’re saying “fuck me, fuck me…” 287


Ummm, excuse me for a minute. Okay, I’m back. Anyway, to preserve the sanctity of memories, I’ll only add this: when we left the beach later, I asked her “Now, are you ready for a real orgasm?” She said “I already had a real orgasm when you were talking dirty to me.” And the hand I’d covered her mouth with was the only hand I laid on her! A few years later, I met Andrea, a pert little blonde who could make love like a human dynamo. Trouble was, Andrea went through a strange time warp: she was nineteen years old on our first four dates, then abracadabra, she turned out to be sixteen. I knew I had to break up with her, so on our last date I was making out with her on the couch, and I started whispering in her ear: “God, Andrea, I wish I could take you to Scotland, then nothing would matter, and we’d make love all the time…” As I spoke, she began to draw me down on top of her, moaning softly, wrapping her legs around my back. “Or we’d be on a deserted island, just the two of us, with all the supplies we needed for a year, and we’d just relax and swim and…” “Make love all the time…” She finished for both of us before ripping our clothes off. Just due to a little bit of whispering in her ear. Have you ever had women remain quiet as the grave during sex, except for a bit of labored breathing on their part? Obviously, there’s no law against their doing so, but what fun is that? Which would you prefer, a girl who only gasps and pants a little, or a girl who advertises your prowess to everyone in a one-block radius with her cries of “Oh God Yes Harder Faster”? If you’d prefer the first variety, then don’t make any noise of your own during sex. Most of us don’t…even in adult films you rarely hear any monologues. Girls aren’t told during their sex-talks ‘make sure you scream your head off during sex’ (neither were you, probably). So the mcd of women remains relatively quiet…until you make 288

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noises of your own. Even sounds that resemble Yosemite Sam rolling down a cliff (“YeeeeeeaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhhyackemsmackemOOFgititgititHuhgra

bbemslammemYEAHyackemsmackemHUURRRRRGGHHOhmiGodUH H!!!”) are preferable to utter silence. Why? Because you are signaling your woman that she is pleasing and exciting you. This invariably cranks up her own excitement and pleasure. I myself used to be quiet as the grave during sex, and subsequently the girls I was having sex with were quiet as well…until one night in college I entered a girl who felt particularly good, and out of nowhere I said “Well, don’t we have a hot little pussy, there…” The girl immediately responded with “Fuck me hard!” And we both quickly devolved into a couple of sex-crazed Neanderthals, making the most ludicrous noises imaginable, and having the time of our lives. Over time I encouraged girls to get more vocal. One hot Disneymaiden named Deborah was tangled in my sheets, and I asked her “How do you like it?” She said “I love it…” I said “I was thinking about a verb…” It was all she needed to hear. “Oh! Fuck me, fuck me!” (I don’t know about you, but I can’t get enough of that.) You can both get loud without getting dirty, and I advise that you start out loud but not dirty when you’re having sex with a girl for the first time. If she’s ‘Ms. Right Now’ and you’re just using each other, talk as dirty as you like. If you want to keep her around, don’t talk dirty to her right away…build up to it over several sessions of sex. A few women are turned on by silly and gratuitous cursing during sex…it IS a novelty, because so many of us say nothing at all! But these women are in the minority. I would leave out terms like Ho, Bitch and Slut unless you’re cutting a rap album during sex, or she wrecked your car and you’re grudge-fucking her, or you’ve met one of the 5% of women who enjoy being called that. A lot of women are flat-out disgusted by swearing as it makes them feel cheap. 289


(Here, I must admit that three girls were almost traumatized when I asked them to talk dirty; one started crying, another had to leave the room for a few minutes. However, all three of them came back for more and eventually did talk dirty, without any further urging on my part.) Most women are content with our heavy breathing and moans, and most are overjoyed to hear words of praise and comfort (“God, you feel great, you’re so hot!”). How do you find out what category your girl falls into? Let her show you. Just start the sex and say “Talk to me, you wanton love goddess!” It’s a pretty tactful ice-breaker, and you’ll soon discover if she’s a ‘swearer’ or an ‘encourager’. It should get her to moan louder, if nothing else. Another option is to whisper “Say it, say it” over and over into her ear, giving no clue as to what ‘it’ is…most girls automatically say “fuck me”, but it’s interesting when they come up with something else, too. Most women appreciate your asking how to improve the experience for them, so another cool thing to ask a girl is “How do you want it?” or “What do you want me to do?” A few minutes after entry. One response was “Slow and deep”; another was “Long, slow and gentle”. Seventy-nine others said “Hard!” And naturally, I aim to please, and so should you. And while sounding like Yosemite Sam rolling off a cliff is better than dead silence, it’s not that much better. Try not to fall into the trap of just grunting like a neanderthal during your climax. Recently I and my girlfriend videotaped a session of lovemaking, and I had to admit we looked fabulous, but she ended up making all the noise. I merely breathed heavy until my climax, then went “Uhhhhhhh!!” That’s right, your humble servant, who has performed A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Taming of the Shrew, Macbeth, Deathtrap and other plays, just went Uhhhhhhh. I’m still kicking myself over it, but I try to remember that’s all most adult-film actors say, too. Don’t sweat this overmuch; if it feels good just to say Uhhh, be my guest, but aim higher—she’ll love you a lot more if you shout her 290

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name over and over instead, or how hot she is or how good she feels. On a related subject, here’s a list of…

Things NOT to say during (or after) Sex “That was some great sex! Now for some great violence!” “Put on a few pounds, haven’t you?” “This is the way your sister likes it.” “Stick with me, home girl, you ain’t fucked ‘til you’ve fucked in a crack lab.” “Hang on, I think the rubber broke.” (If you’re thinking that, find out without saying this aloud. There’s nothing like panic to kill the mood.) “I really ought to be charging for this.” “Uhhhh, you are on the pill, right?” (Find out beforehand, genius.) “Were you wearing a wonderbra?” “Damn, you’re almost as hot as my ex!” “If you let me do you from behind, we can both watch WWE Smackdown!” “Oh, Carol!” (When her name’s actually Liz.) “Hang on, let me balance a beer on top of your head.” “Forgive me, Lord, for having sex out of wedlock…” “You’re thinking of another guy, aren’t you? Who is he?” “Whew! That was a workout, I’m starving…why don’t you make us a couple of sandwiches?” “Damn, if only you were a little tighter…” “Bad news & good news! The bad news is, I do have a couple of diseases. The good news is, they’re not the really bad ones.” All right, most of those are jokes, I don’t think any of you are crass or mindless enough to actually say those things. However, there are two statements you really ought to avoid making at all costs: 291


“Who’s Your Daddy?” Agggggghhhhh!!! Who the hell came up with this? It’s stupid, it’s not funny, it’s not going to turn her on with a secret ‘incest’ fantasy! If you want her to call you “Daddy”, you’ve got some issues. If you’re actually asking who her Daddy is, sex is neither the time nor place. Personally, if you ask a girl that, she would be well within her rights to ask you “Who’s your mommy?” Oooh! Yeah! That’s a turn on, isn’t it? I’d say “Well, uh, her name’s Linda, she’s a psychiatric nurse…uh, listen, I think I’m going to go, now…”

“Have you come yet?” If you have to ask, then the answer’s probably No, and once you do ask, she’s probably not going to, as your question has just put her ‘under the gun’. It’s much better to listen to her moans, breathing and to pay attention to the movements of her body, or simply to ask her “Do you like this?” “What turns you on?” or “How do you want it?” Okay: fast forward. You’ve made love. It’s been glorious (at least for you, naturally). The blinding white light above your bodies has clicked off and the angels have put their harps away. Now, due to the overworked red blood cells flowing back out of your penis, plus the exertion, plus the total muscular relaxation, plus the fact that it’s probably past midnight, you’re…falling…asleep…ZZZZZzzzzz… Wake up! The male orgasm activates the ‘sleep gland’ in most men, while the female orgasm activates the ‘conversation gland’ in most women. Now, having surrendered her body and heart to you, she wants to talk to you, open up to you, tell you her secret fears and fantasies and desires. It is at this point that she’s at her most vulnerable, wondering if you’re going to throw her out in the street and then spray-paint graffiti about her all over town. Do her (and yourself) a favor and try to stay awake for ten 292

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minutes. Longer, if possible…if she’s really good, get her a snack and a cup of coffee and then do her again! But no matter how fearsomely Morpheus beckons, try to stay awake for ten more minutes. Some of you are thinking, “Well, what do I do for those ten minutes?” That’s easy. 1. Stay inside her, doing 10 or more kegels until you’ve ‘deflated’ enough so that the condom is loosening…then remove and discard it. 2. Hold her close and run your fingers through her hair, kiss her and rub her shoulders and back. 3. When you disengage from her, give her another orgasm during Afterplay (explained later). 4. Talk soothingly to her, praising her beauty, body and/or sexual skills, or at least answer the first 14 of her questions. Try not to tell her she’s a lousy lay. 5. If she rambles, tell her “Listen, I’d love to talk more, but you’ve just soaked up all my energy. I’ll still be here tomorrow morning, and we can continue then. Pleasant dreams.” Or you can simply nod off, giving slower and quieter responses between yawns until you start sawing logs, and she reluctantly gives up and joins you.

Afterplay Where possible…unless you’re on the run from the Vice Squad, or in a motel that charges by the half-hour, or you’re under some other time constraint, you should always give your girl some Afterplay. What’s Afterplay? It’s just bringing your girl to yet another orgasm with your hand. In a typical sex session, your penis should be worked until it’s as soft as overcooked pasta. Your tongue should feel like a paintbrush that’s been used on the Sistine Chapel. But your hand should still be ready to rock. And although she’s been penetrated and vibrated and 293


liquidated by your massive tool, she is probably still ready to rock. If she hasn’t had an orgasm during the sex, she’ll probably be able to now. If she has had an orgasm, the more the merrier, I say (and she’ll probably agree). In fact, by using foreplay and afterplay, your woman can have at least three orgasms every time you have sex with her. If she has three or more orgasms every time you have sex with her, the odds of her ‘having a headache tonight’, or jumping into bed with someone else, are going to be decidedly slim. When you disengage from her, use the ’32.’, the ‘sidewinder’, the clitoris and g-spot ‘pincer’ described earlier, or simply stroke her clitoris with your hand. Having already had foreplay and sex, her vagina should accept your hand much more easily and she should have no trouble reaching orgasm quickly. A few girls…very few…are like “please, no more!” Which is fine. Similarly, if her vagina dries out, which can happen from time to time, skip any further penetration of her vagina and just stroke her clitoris. Try to make Afterplay a habit, until it’s something you do automatically after sex, unless of course you’re all tied up…

Oral Sex: To Give Is Better Than To Receive (?) Okay, scratch that title. I never wrote it, it never happened. ‘Cause some of you are probably laughing like hyenas at the very notion. For us guys, receiving oral sex is like winning the lottery, while (for some of us), giving oral sex is like having to clean out the basement. (Hmmm…interesting little analogy, there…I think I’ll use that in a novel.) A lot of times I think God hung a sign on me that reads “Please Tell Me All Your Problems”, ‘cause everyone does. And many times I’ve heard guys lament: “She never goes down on me. I think I’ll dump her.” “Whatever…but just out of curiosity, do you ever go down on 294

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her?” I’ll reply. “Go down on Her? Yecccchhhh!!! Are you out of your stinkin’ Mind?!?!?” They say. Hmmmm. Curiouser and curiouser. And not to be overly racist, but a lot of black guys I know talk like this. That aroused my curiosity towards black women, so I dived on a couple of ‘sisters’ and found them non-toxic. The only discernable differences were scent and pubic hair. And afterwards, I was worshipped like a god, because apparently the poor girls had never received oral sex before. I daresay, if you go down on your girl for any length of time, she will have a new-found respect for you. Because from her perspective, a good licking as quite a few advantages. To wit: 1. As stated earlier, you can directly stimulate her clitoris with oral sex, which only occurs incidentally with intercourse. Thus most women who have a hard time reaching orgasm via orgasm can usually get off via oral sex. 2. Unlike your dick, your lips, tongue and chin need not have erections (it’d look a bit strange, wouldn’t it?). 3. Just as we treasure those daring and skilled women who give great head (I’d hock my eyeteeth for a night with Little Oral Annie), most women treasure the daring and skilled men who give great (or any) head. 4. Neither men nor women can talk, snore, complain or scream with their mouth full. Be advised that a miniscule percentage of women (probably about 3% worldwide) either don’t care for oral sex or are scared of it or whatever. You’ll know you’ve found one when you tie on the ol’ bib and slide your face down her belly and she grabs your head and shrieks “Don’t!” (At which point half of you will say, “Okay, fine, I was only doin’ it ‘cause that smart-assed writer said to, anyway…now roll over!”) But if she shrieks “Don’t!”, it’s probably because: A. She hasn’t had anyone do that to her before and she 295


doesn’t know what you’re going to do and she’s all freaked out. B. She has had someone do that to her before, but the first (and probably last) guy who did it had a wiry beard or a full set of braces or thought that “Eating her out” meant just that. C. She’s been raped or molested (although it’s hard to imagine a rapist doing this). D. She’s Amish (in which case, pat yourself on the back for even getting this far). E. She suddenly remembered her period, a disease or her sad lack of personal hygiene (in which case, pat yourself on the back for not getting any farther!). So, what do you do? You communicate, obviously. Tell her that you just want to please her, it’s not going to hurt and if she doesn’t like it, you won’t do it again. I personally like my own ‘hobo’ impersonation: “C’mon, lady, I haven’t eaten a woman in days…” Performing oral sex on a woman is an acquired taste, but once you acquire said taste, it becomes an end in itself. A lot of guys ask “Well, what do I get out of it?” Hmmm, I don’t know; musical moans? Smooth warm thighs gracing your face? A feeling of accomplishment? A full dance card? Amazingly devoted women? I simply like to please women, and oral sex does just that. It’s actually quite basic: lick the labia & clitoris, and flick your tongue into and out of the vagina itself. Keep it up until she screams & spasms. Additional assorted tricks of the Cunning Linguist can be found in the Her Erogenous Zones section. A few things to keep in mind: 1. Restrain your teeth. You won’t need them here, trust me. Unless the girl asks you to use your teeth on her, and I’ve never found one that did. 2. Don’t extend your tongue too far, unless you’re Gene Simmons. You can actually injure yourself in your fury to boldly go where no man has gone before. Your tongue is restrained by a thin 296

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membrane beneath it, for whatever reason. Stretch that too far and you’ll sound like Helen Keller in no time. Relax, take it easy. 3. When In Doubt, Listen To Her. It’s her body and she probably knows what she likes. If you do everything you can think of and you’re not getting a response, check her pulse, then ask her if she wants you to continue, and how. Normally this won’t happen. You’ll knowing you’re doing well if she A., arches her back, B. Starts gasping and groaning, C. Screams your name over and over again, or the word “Yes!” if you haven’t introduced yourself yet, D. Her heels are drumming on the back of your skull, or E. All of the above. 4. Use Your Hands Too. What else are you going to do with them, play the violin? Several girls asked me to slide a finger or two into them while I was licking them; two actually grabbed my hand and made me do it. Your tongue can’t really be two places at once, and it can’t penetrate the vagina as far as your fingers can. Also, you can reach up and fondle her breasts and nipples while you’re performing oral sex, or stroke her outer thighs and buttocks. 5. No Blowing. Some nuts think it’s fun to blow air into a woman’s vagina…and indeed, some women might even get a thrill out of the novelty. However, there’s a slight chance it could kill her. In certain conditions an air bubble could make it through her mucous membranes and eventually into a vein, causing cardiac arrest. The chances against this happening are huge, but there still is a chance and it’s one I strongly suggest you don’t take. You might blow air over (or “stripe”) the clitoris, but never blow air into the vagina.

Receiving: There isn’t a whole lot you need to know here. But if you’re 297


having sex with a woman and she’s not giving your oral sex, try giving it to her first and see what happens. There aren’t any magic spells I know that will make a woman give you head. But there is a type of etiquette that might help. First of all, take a good look at yourself: you may be scaring her off without knowing it. Is your titanic beer gut hanging over your dick, totally hiding it from view? Go back to the beginning of this book and start all over. Have you washed your ‘nads this year? If not, get busy. Are you covered with fearsome warts or scars? Better get rid of ‘em. Got a huge, mangy nest of pubic hair that looks like giant Kudzu? Trim it, Jim! Are you sporting some huge 13-inch warhead she couldn’t get her mouth on if she wanted to? Sorry! Hahahahahahaha. Second of all, be subtle at first. A lot of guys-who aren’t even worthy of the word guy—will crudely push a woman’s head down towards their dicks, or will merely plant their dicks in a girl’s face. This is not only Lout behavior at its ugliest, it also biases a lot of girls against oral sex. So for God’s sake, be subtle. One idea is to suggest the 69 position; a lot of girls who are otherwise biased against oral sex will get into 69 because they know they’ll be getting oral sex too. What I do is perform oral sex on a girl, then get off her and lay on my back beside her, with my erection on display, but making no move to enter her, or proceed further. A lot of girls see this as their opportunity to reciprocate oral pleasure. After a few moments, if she hasn’t done anything, I’ll take her hand and put it on my penis, and with my free hand I’ll gently trace her mouth. If she still hasn’t clued in, I’ll say “Be a good girl and go down on me”. Note the wording! “Go down on me” is a nice, innocuous request. “Suck my dick” is a sleazy demand. “Give me head” is somewhere in between…but the best blowjobs are the ones you don’t have to ask for. Obviously, it’s up to the woman if she wants to perform oral sex…just as virtually everything else is up to you and I. I went down on one girl, then requested that she reciprocate; she said “I don’t do that.” I shrugged, we had regular sex, and when she asked for a ride 298

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home, I tossed her some bus fare and said “I don’t do that.” If you’ve provided oral sex and you’ve got couth and you’re still not getting any, ask the young lady what the f**k her problem is, in a nice gentlemanly way. A lot of times it’s just shyness. One girl said “Well, ahh, I, ahh, haven’t done it for you because, ahh, I don’t think I’d be any good at it.” She turned out to be a natural. If she’s just set against it, sorry. All you can really do is tell her “You don’t get any until I get any”, or if it’s that important to you, dump her for a girl who does give oral sex. Personally, I’ve had cool relationships with women that didn’t give head, but were good at traditional sex. I’ve always viewed oral sex as icing on the cake…very tasty icing, no doubt, but it needn’t be the cake itself. Some other things to keep in mind: Tell Her How You Want It. “Slower”; “Faster”, “Deeper”, etc. Most girls aim to please. Sometimes just breathing harder or moaning lets her know you’re digging it…but beware! The first girl who went down on me used her teeth, creating an exciting new world of pain! I gasped and groaned and she apparently thought ”All right! I’m really turning him on!” And redoubled her unknowingly sadistic efforts! I had to shout “You’re killing me!!!” to get my point across, or at least out of her mouth, unscathed. (Note: An offered blowjob from a girl who has braces might deflate you, but it’s not a problem if she knows it’s all lips and tongue on her part. If you voice your concern beforehand, you should have nothing to worry about. But if she has braces, check her ID again.) Let Her Know When You’re Going To Come. It seems trivial, and most girls will know from your silly facial expressions and groans….one girl said she knew because I was ‘tensing up’ in her mouth. But I’ve had girls turn into hellcats because they apparently didn’t know, and got “that stuff” all over their mouth/nose/mascara/hair/best dress. A “Two-minute warning” is a small but nice courtesy on your part, and often it makes girls really get to work. Compliment Her if she’s doing well, or even if she’s just trying. 299


Tell her she’s a goddess, she’s awesome, she’s a wild child, she’s making you feel like a king. But save such comment as “You could suck the numbers off of a phone book” for the afterglow. Don’t kick her out of bed for not swallowing. Yeah, I know that girls who swallow semen are our most precious national resource, but I haven’t read any laws that say they have to. I’ll admit it does feel better when a girl does swallow (hell, it almost adds another inch), but if you think about it, if you get off, you get off; there you have it. In my experience, out of 196 women, about 114 gave head. Of these, around 70 did it briefly, then insisted on intercourse (twist my arm). Of the other 40 who brought me to orgasm with their magic mouths, about 25 swallowed. The rest either spit it into napkins or let it blast out all over me. I give them ALL credit just for getting me there, or trying. So… Don’t Hold Her Head Down. Ever! John Wayne Bobbitt probably did this. A lot of women freak when this happens: Erin Sommers, the hostess of Orlando’s “Passion Phones” sex-talk radio show, spent a good half-hour crucifying guys who did this (Hey, Erin, I won’t do it; c’mon over!). And I was going to merely stroke the hair of one of my girlfriends who was giving me head…”Don’t Do That!!!” She screamed, jumping away from me like I was a time bomb. “I was just gonna stroke your hair!” I said, confused, because I really was gonna stroke her hair. “Oh. Well…Don’t.” she said, and went back to fellating me…but she actually held my hands down as she did it. By the same token, you’ve heard that joke about resting a beer on the top of her head? Ha freakin’ ha. Let it stay a joke. Don’t. Holding a girl’s head down might make her swallow, or it might make her stop, or it might make her bite your dick off and spit it back at you. Place your bets, place your bets…instead of holding her head, I’d suggest that you…

Stimulate her while she’s doing it. You could stand there like a Golem and just get your jollies, but it’d be better to both reciprocate 300

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and reward her. So stroke her hair, stroke her breasts if you can reach them, or knead her shoulders. It’s easier to reach them if you’re prone and she’s crouching over you, instead of when you’re standing and she’s kneeling. My latest girl and I created a cool mutual pleasure-exchange by her laying on our bed, sitting up slightly, and me standing at the side of the bed. While she fellated me, I would stroke her hair with one hand and stroke her clit or stimulate her vagina with the other. If we’re both naked and I’m laying beneath her, I’ve created another technique I call The Bone-Saw: I lift my calf (which has a prominent bone in the front) and ‘saw’ it gently back and forth against her vagina.

“Take Over” If She Gets Tired, which can happen. The first girl who gave me oral sex (painlessly) got me off in about 45 seconds (“Hey, what’re you doing--Whoa! What the Hell---?! Uhhhh!!!). As time went by, even the most skilled girls took seven or eight minutes or more. If she hits a pace that you like, but can’t maintain it, it can frustrate both of you—you feel the ‘buildup’, and then she stops and gasps for air, and you’re back to square one. In this case, you can tell her to relax for a minute, breathe through her nose, keep her mouth the way it is and tell her not to move. Then, move yourself in and out of her mouth using your hips. As long as she holds still and breathes through her nose, you should produce an equally cool effect with lesser effort on her part.

Hold her and hug her and pet her and squeeze her and priase her afterwards so she’ll know that a good blowjob is the fastest way to your heart, even better than her lasagna. Go off, go overboard, tell her that she’s the best thing since the internal combustion engine, which a head-giving woman undoubtedly is. Or don’t. Don’t praise her, don’t say anything, and then scratch your head wondering why she isn’t blowing you every hour on the hour. “Season to taste”…to keep her coming back, give your rod some flavor by applying whipped cream, chocolate syrup or honey, or by 301


buying a flavored, edible massage oil. Every adult store should have a selection. Apply a coating before oral sex and give her a daring new snack concept…then apply some to her and return the favor (I know her vagina doesn’t normally taste like a banana split; but who says you can’t make it taste like one?). As an added bonus, a lot of these oils heat up when they get rubbed. Sweets to the sweet! Also, if your girl says she would swallow if your semen didn’t taste like (whatever it tastes like), you can make your semen taste better by adding more fruits and vegetables to your diet, chugging lots of fruit juice (pineapple, orange, apple), purified water, and cutting down on coffee and way WAY down on asparagus. Then again, who the hell eats that anyway… Oh, one final note: regardless of what various rock stars, celebrities and Presidents tell you, oral sex is sex. That’s why it’s called oral sex instead of oral friendship. It is cheating if you’re in a relationship and you get it from somebody else. It is adultery if you’re married. A lot of people think otherwise. If you’re one of them, be consistent: tell your girlfriend she can only have intercourse with you, but she can blow anybody else whenever she wants.

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As we Irish say, “Even when sex is bad, it’s still pretty good.” Damn straight. But if you find sex becoming ‘bad’ with any particular partner…perhaps it’s boring, perhaps it’s taking you longer to come, or it’s taking her longer to come, or you’re coming in ten seconds or less, you may wish to experiment with different positions. I’m not going into detail on every possible spine-stretching variation, so if you want to know every sexual position, pick up a copy of The Kama Sutra. This should be available in most bookstores, especially adult bookstores. It has every sexual position known to man, some of which will make your jaw drop (by looking at them, I mean). Some women don’t care for wild sexual positions. Oh, well, Missionary it is, then…

The Missionary Position The reason for its name escapes me; I think it’s called this because Christian missionaries told every wild-dogstyle-fucking Indian tribe in the world that this was the only acceptable way to have sex. (No wonder so many missionaries got eaten…trust us Christians to ruin sex for everybody.) The Missionary position is face-to-face lovemaking with the man on top of the woman, in case you didn’t already know that. There are a few advantages to The Missionary: 1. You’ll get off. (Come to think of it, you’ll get off in almost any position! Isn’t it great to be a guy?) 2. You get to watch her starry eyes and amusing facial expressions. 3. You get to manually and/or orally stimulate her face, neck and breasts (so do that). For disadvantages, this position offers the least clitoral stimulation for the woman (she’ll still get some, but not as much as in other positions). It also puts most of your weight over her (hopefully) 303


slender, fragile bod. Some of us are thoughtful enough to support our bodyweight on our hands or elbows, but once you’re in that pleasurezone, it’s all too easy to forget about your partner’s comfort. Missionary is a good position to start and/or finish in, but you’d be well advised to throw in a few different positions in the meantime…or any of the following modifications:

The Leg-lock: Reach down, grasp her knee, and slide it up and over the back of your leg. She will soon clue in and slide the other leg over you as well. A good leg-lock increases closeness and penetration, and gives her a chance to contribute. If you’re doing well, you may find her heels drumming on the back of your ass, which is always nice. The Extreme Missionary: This is the missionary position except that her legs are WAY up…over your chest or shoulders or even your head! This shortens the vaginal canal and gives the illusion that your penis is twelve to eighteen inches, so I wouldn’t use this on a virgin. This position looks kind of painful for her because her legs are up so high, but it usually isn’t…ask her, anyway. The other night Patricia said “I want to try it ‘this’ way” –folding her legs up towards her chest. I said “Oh, do you, now? Sure…if that’s what you really want…” Rip/Thud/Slam/Squishsquishsquish/”Aaaaiiieee!”

The Pushup: While in the Missionary position, normally all your weight is either on your elbows, or on your girl’s ribcage. Once in a while, do a ‘pushup’…force yourself up on the palms of your hands. This shifts your weight, increases penetration slightly, gives your sweat a chance to evaporate and gives you a glorious view of Ground Zero.

Lips and Thumb: Support your weight on one hand for as long as you can. Meanwhile, take your free hand and stimulate her clit with your thumb, while using your lips on either of her nipples. 304

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The Swing: This is actually a method of changing positions. Close your legs, slide all the way into her, then grab her ass tightly. Now, you can either kneel and then fall backwards, carrying her on top of you (watch her legs!) or you can roll to either side…presto, she’s on top. The Cradle: Slide your hands under her ass, gently but firmly, heh heh heh, and try to shift your weight to your knees (instead of her chest). Lift her up off the bed while you’re thrusting. This changes the angle of your thrusts and provides deeper penetration, and in some women it can even enable contact with the G-spot. In any case you’ll look real manly and will definitely get her attention. The ‘Angler’: Grab one of her legs and extend it until it’s in the air or resting on your shoulder. Then lean over with your torso, past her leg, turning her lower body slightly in the opposite direction yours is turning in. This aims your penis into her body at a different angle, which is a nifty trick. Try it for a while, then slide back into normal Missionary, then try the other leg. With practice, you can take this to some nutty extremes; just try not to gent all ‘bent out of shape’, hahaha.

‘Stirring’: A bit like the Angler; it’s easier but it means less penetration. Withdraw from her half-way, grab the base of your penis and rotate it so it’s ‘stirring’ the rest of the shaft inside of her. This provides a neat ‘break’ in between periods of high-speed thrusting, and can also be used in other positions, too. The Bend: This is an At-Your-Own-Risk move, and it might cause you discomfort, so feel free not to employ it. It works best just after your orgasm, when you’re still ‘engorged’ but not still stiff and ironhard. While in the Missionary position, withdraw about half the length of your penis from her. Then, move your hips and torso further up 305


her body (as if she were a tree you were climbing, as odd as that sounds). Your penis will still be partially inside her, but the length you’ve ‘withdrawn’ will curve/fold against her, stimulating her clitoris. By moving your torso slightly you can gently ‘chafe’ her clit with that length. Once again, don’t do this when you’re really stiff and hard. It works better if you’ve got a slightly curved dick, which a lot of guys do.

Female Superior/ Girl-On-Top Just like it says, she’s on top, straddling/riding you. In your humble servant’s opinion, this is the sexual position! Why? Think about it. A. You don’t have to do all the work…in fact, you barely have to do anything! B. Her breasts and ass are in easy reach; if you want a faceful of tit, all she needs to do is lean down a bit (hey that rhymed!). C. You last longer, because gravity is working against the flow of blood to your penis. D. She gets more clitoral stimulation and sets the pace, and will probably get off before you will (unless her name’s Antoinette, in which case you won’t stand a chance and you’ll be shooting to thrill within moments!). E. Because of all the above, she really gets into it and it’s really cool to watch. A very small percentage of women say they don’t like to be on top. This is usually due to a lack of self-esteem, a prudish upbringing, sexual naivete’, or whatever. 98% of them change their minds after the first time. The other 2% have smaller vaginas or a weird spinal 306

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curve that makes female-dominant sex actually painful for them. There are only two slight disadvantages to the Girl-On-Top position. One is that it can be tricky to get into her at first, because you don’t have eyes in your groin. But fear not, most women will cheerfully do the honors for you. If she doesn’t, just take her hand and place it on your penis and she’ll get the idea. The other is that it’s difficult to withdraw from her in a hurry if you have to, so be sure to wear a condom, and make sure it’s rolled as far downward as possible so her super-powered snatch doesn't suck it right off of you. A good idea is to start having sex in the Missionary Position, then switch to Girl-On-Top until she reaches orgasm, then switch to Extreme Missionary until you reach your orgasm. You can increase penetration, if either of you so desires, by arching your back, pushing your hips upwards, pulling down on her shoulders, and/or combining all these moves. Some modifications:

The G-spot Rocker: Normally during girl-on-top she’s laying on you or sitting on you in a perpendicular fashion, and either of these is great. However, if she sits on you and leans back, your penis is forced against the ‘roof’ of her vagina and is finally hitting that damned elusive G-spot! Hoo-rah! See that she places her hands behind her on the bed to balance herself properly. As stated previously, not all women respond to G-spot stimulation. You’ll know yours does if you apply the G-spot Rocker and she turns into a gasping, panting lovelioness. If she doesn’t, she’ll probably say “Lean back? Why, do I smell bad, or something?” The Gargoyle: If she’s really limber and athletic, see if she’ll place her feet on either side of your hips and push up and down using all of her legs. I call this the Gargoyle ‘cause of her precarious perch above you, and the fact that it’s almost scary. This is difficult for most girls 307


to do, so don’t make it mandatory.

The Reverse Cowgirl: Essentially the same as Girl-On-Top, except that she’s facing away from you. A petite young lass blew my mind by doing this. I prefer to look my partners in the eye, but this is an interesting variation. It can enable G-spot contact in some women, and it enables you to switch do Dog-style relatively easily (all you have to do is sit up).

Give Yourself A Hand: Take her hands and put them on her breasts, or have her stroke her clit. Not only does it bring her to orgasm faster and make her look like a porn star, it frees up your own hands to grab her ass or pull down on her shoulders. The ‘Hang Loose’: Hawaiians have a hand signal where they make a fist but extend their thumb and little fingers out to the side as far as possible…it means ‘hang loose’. By duplicating that gesture, you should be able to stimulate your woman’s left nipple with your thumb and her right nipple with your little finger. This way you stimulate both her breasts but you still have a free hand.

The Spin: A novelty for the extremely jaded. The only problem is that it requires a customized table or swing with a hole cut in it, or your girl to be an acrobat or double amputee. It’s girl-on-top, except that with the aforementioned marital aids or her amazing legs, she Spins around on your dick! It’s supposedly a penultimate turn-on, but I haven’t finished building the table yet. Good luck and have fun. The Chair: Who says you have to be in bed? A neat trick is to kick back in a chair and have her get on top of you. You can even serve each other dinner or breakfast this way! A lot of women swear by this, claiming it’s the only way they can get laid during football season.

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Lie facing each other, side by side. Have her hook her top leg over yours, and have at it. You can use The Swing to roll her under or over you, which you’ll probably do anyway after a few moments, because this position sucks.

Dogstyle I used to despise this position because I thought it was crude, bestial and demeaning to my women…I mean, hell, this is how animals do it, aren’t we supposed to be all evolved? In fact, up until about ’94 I never used this position at all. Then I found out hey, these animals are On to something…and a lot of girls not only accept this position but prefer it! The position is pretty basic: bend her over and enter her from behind. She can either crouch in front of you on all fours, or lean over and brace herself against an object. I suggest the latter, as doing it on all fours can be hard on her knees and is a bit more unbalanced. In fact, most bathrooms are perfect for dog-style; the counter is just the right height for her to grab, and there’s a huge mirror right in front of both of you where you can catch each other’s blissed-out facial expressions. It’s also the best position for the shower, too. Unless you’ve already used this position a thousand times, it’s good to start by letting her insert you…otherwise you can mistakenly batter against her anus and resign yourself to a night on the couch. This position probably allows for the most penetration, and it provides a good deal of clitoral stimulation…you can provide even more by reaching a free hand in front of her and stroking her clitoris for her. You can also massage her shoulders or breasts, or give her a good butt-massage or a spanking, if she’s been naughty. You can get more penetration by pulling back on her shoulders, but you probably won’t need any more penetration. The only downside to dogstyle is if you thrust too deeply and quickly (as enjoyable as it is), you may 309


disengage from her accidentally and crack your penis good on her perineum. Welcome to an exciting new world of pain! The best thing to do is stay as close to her as possible and make shallower thrusts. If you’re working her breasts or clit as well, she won’t care how deep you’re going. Modifications: The Wheelbarrow: simply ask her to place her hands flat on the floor, lift her up by her legs and enter her like so. Use this technique when you’re close to climax, because if you keep it up for too long you’ll put a strain on her arms.

Stairway to Heaven: This is dogstyle on a staircase (hopefully one with carpeted steps…if it isn’t, throw down a towel or rug). You stand at the bottom, or a landing; she goes up two steps and kneels on one step, bracing her arms against the step above that one. While you’re slamming away, play or sing that famous Led Zeppelin song, too. The Glide: Actually a means of super-heavy petting when you’re out of birth control. In the dogstyle position, glide your shaft between the cheeks of her butt, either upwards or downwards, without entering the vagina or anus. By gliding downwards, you can excite her with some friction against the clitoris and perineum. For God’s sake, let her know what you’re planning before you do this.

The Hawaiian (‘Muscle-Fuck’’) A neat trick for when you’re fresh out of birth control, or your girl is large-breasted, or you’re just in the mood for something strange. Simply put, you’re fucking her cleavage from beneath, as she presses her breasts together for you. Pour, and then rub, a liberal amount of lubricant into her cleavage; whatever’s handy. Baby oil’s good but even Crisco will do in a pinch (and if you’ve got a girl who will actually let you apply Crisco 310

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to her, hang the hell onto her). She can sit or kneel in front of you, or recline in a chair, or simply lay on her back on a bed or couch. If she lies down, straddle her waist with your knees and rest your weight on your palms or forearms (You can easily switch from Missionary to Hawaiian, but don’t re-enter her vagina if you’ve still got oil on your penis). Slide your shaft between her breasts, and have her push them ‘closed’ (most girls will do this automatically). Simply slide back and forth, in and out. Sweet mother of mercy, I think it’s time for another cold shower! Between the oil and your collective sweat, you should have no problems whatsoever comfort-wise. Some particularly limber-necked girls might even lick the head of your penis as it emerges from between her breasts. She probably won’t have an orgasm, but she’ll pay a lot of attention, I guar-on-tee. Most women enjoy this because A. It’s a compliment to her body, B. She knows she’s pleasing you without really having to do anything, C. The novelty of the situation, D. The look on your face. Another thrill is starting sex in Missionary, and finishing in Hawaiian…a lot of girls are wildly turned on by watching and feeling a man ejaculate, as long as it’s not in their mouths or faces.

Sixty-Nine “I’ll eat you, baby, you eat me; eat two baby get one free…” For the unenlightened, this is mutual oral sex, so titled because the numerals 69 mirror the position itself. Not only does it not require birth control, it’s also a good method of foreplay, and a cool way to get some oral sex for yourself when she’s slow in providing it (most girls don’t have a leg to stand on since you’re providing it to them). However, it’s a good idea to ask a girl first: “Do you want to do 69?” Just so she knows what you’re 311


talking about. After you’re both in bed and stripped, go down on her first. After a few minutes, slide the rest of your body around so your feet are past her head, then use your hands on her hips or butt to turn her so she’s sideways. Bon appetit! I know you’re thinking of another way, where one of you lays directly on top of the other one…I advise against it. Try it if you like, but that way you get a more aromatic mucous membrane in your face (so does she); your weight can lessen her enjoyment, and if she’s stuck beneath you she has the slight possibility of choking on your dick. If she’s on top of you it’s normally not a problem, but you’ll probably get best results doing it side-by-side. You can add to the fun by alternating with your fingers or mouth (or a vibrator) on her vagina and clitoris; pretend she’s some bizarre organic woodwind instrument. Now, for the truly macho:

Vertical Sixty-Nine: You stand up, hold her by the hips while her thighs rest on your forearms, and perform sixty-nine while standing up. This is easy with slim/petite women and almost impossible with hefty girls. Besides being a real novelty, good exercise and making you look really buff (especially on film), I don’t really see any point to this. After a few minutes, the blood rushes to her head and she either gives up or forgets how to blow you. Whatever you do, don’t drop her on her head…

Up against it (The Wall, The Tree, The Side Of The Bus, etc.) Yes, you can have sex standing up. It’ll be more of a turn-on for her, I daresay, as a lot of women have a secret fantasy of being ‘taken’ or ‘ravished’. Therefore the no-frills, half-clothed, ‘hurry-up-I-thinkthat-cop-saw-us’ rush of doing it standing up can be a significant thrill for some women. You, however will probably find it less of a thrill and more of a 312

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pain in the neck…or more accurately, the back. Here’s why. Odds are, your woman is shorter than you (if she isn’t, disregard this and have some great stand-up sex!). As such, when you’re standing together, her vagina is at a lower height than your penis. So, can you just drop trou and slide right in? Nope. You’ve got to either crouch underneath her like the freakin’ Hunchback of Notre Dame, or you’ve got to lift her up onto you (the best thing to do is just hold her by the buttocks or the bottom of her thighs…She can ease the weight a bit by wrapping her legs around your waist). Also, whatever you’re up against ought to have a smooth (or at least non-spiked) surface, for her back’s sake. That’s not to say this position is torture; it can be quite an adventurous novelty if you’re strong enough (and/or your woman’s light enough). But please don’t bore me with horror stories of how you needed a back brace after this. If you’re not Charles Atlas and your woman’s not Tonya Harding, feel free to skip this one and say “Ahhh, the open countryside, gotta love this fresh air. Look at this great view, honey! Why don’t you just lean over and hold on to that low-hanging branch…” (To discreetly test how much of your girlfriend you can lift—and for how long—offer to carry her up a few flights of stairs. If you get her up six flights, you can usually support her weight long enough to make this position worthwhile.)

Pet The Hot C.A.T. C.A.T. stands for Coital Alignment Technique, which are a group of similar positions/techniques used in ‘Tantra’, an ancient ‘sex religion’ practiced in India. To hear the Tantrists describe it, it’s the best thing since sliced bread and enables sex that goes on for hours and ends in orgasms that shatter the time-space continuum. I cannot confirm or deny this; I’ve never done it, I’ve only 313


discovered and researched it recently (Surprise! I don’t know everything! Horrifying, I know. Hang on for a bit and I’ll call up Maria and try it…). You need a bit of agility/flexibility for these positions; basically, you need to sit cross-legged, ‘Yoga’-style. However, once you achieve said position, you barely need to move at all while using the Coital Alignment Technique. In the Easy Lotus position (‘Sukhapadma Asana’), You’re sitting cross-legged, in the lotus position. Your woman sits on your lap, facing you, with her legs around your waist; your arms are around her. You might want to have a pillow under you. The Womb posture (‘Yoni Asana’) is much the same, except you’re seated on a chair…a bit easier because you don’t need your legs all pretzeled up. It’s especially good if you both want to watch Buffy The Vampire Slayer while getting laid at the same time. The Root or Basal Lock (‘Mula Bandha’) is again similar, however her legs must be folded lotus-style around yours. In this one, you clasp each other’s forearms and gently lower yourselves away from each other, then toward each other again. In each position, there is no pelvic thrusting. You are already within her to the limit of penetration. All you can do is gently rock with a slow rhythm, and/or gently grind against each other, while her vagina ‘milks’ you for all it’s worth. This causes a gradually building friction that brings on the orgasm. Have fun, and let me know how it turns out.

Altar Of The Gods Not really a position, but a modifier for oral sex. She lays on her back on the kitchen table/dining room table/pool table/whatever,

with her neck on the edge and her head hanging off of it. With her head at this height…which should be aligned around your waist…you enter her mouth and thrust (gently). She doesn’t have to do much as long as she breathes through her nose, but don’t 314

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ram so hard you go past her uvula and activate her gag reflex. As you might guess, this is for those rather hardcore girls who are really into oral sex. I would advise against having sex on the table itself—at least sex in the missionary position, which is hard on her back—unless it’s a really strongly-built, cozy table. As you’re on one side of the table and her sex organs are on the other side of it, they’re sadly out of reach…to anything besides a peacock feather, which you should have handy if you’re going to do this. Use it on her clitoris while she’s draining you dry. Once again, there are a few dozen more positions in The Kama Sutra…most of which are more complicated than they’re worth, in my opinion. But pick up a copy of that sacred tome and you’ll never get bored (or out of shape)! Note that a few of these positions require some muscular strength and agility on your part…this hearkens back to the beginning of the book where I said muscularity aids in lovemaking. It does. With the proper exercise, and at the proper strength level, you can be a veritable octopus of lovemaking, able to do any position at any time, and leaving your girl both satisfied and amazed. It’s kind of tragic to hear your girl say “Hey, let’s try this!” And you have to say “Ahh, I don’t think I can do that, honey.” It’s even worse when you run out of breath during sex (this happened to me frequently in my smoking years) even in the Missionary Position, and you have to lay there and gasp until your stamina comes back. So for the best sex possible, get in the best shape possible. Powerful pelvic thrusting—the kind she wants when she’s yelling “fuck me hard!”-- comes from strong thigh, gluteal, calf and erector spinae (lower back) muscles. These are achieved through lunges, leg presses, squats, calf raises and rowing exercises. Positions that call for you to support your girl’s weight (Standing Up, The Cradle, Vertical Sixty-Nine) call for strong biceps, shoulders and back muscles. These are achieved through curls, shoulder presses and rowing…along with practicing the positions themselves. 315


Sex itself is an aerobic activity that does call for some stamina, so try some walking, jogging, swimming or other aerobic exercise where possible. A few more notes on intercourse itself, in any position: If you want to last longer, either slow your thrusts or change positions. Try to remember that time seems to ‘warp’ around sex, where five minutes can feel like twenty. Keep a clock by the bed to keep yourself grounded in reality. 2. Slow thrusting…or even not thrusting…can be stimulating to a woman as well, especially if you’re just ‘filling her’ while you stimulate her breasts or elsewhere, or thrusting her against you like in the girl-superior position. This depends on the woman. If you slow down or stop and you feel the woman shoving your ass down with her hands and thrusting back with her hips like a bronco, this obviously isn’t the woman. 3. If your girl’s had children (or a lot of guys of porn-star size) and you’re having trouble ‘feeling’ her (and vice versa), you may be able to improve it by altering the length of her vaginal canal. Use the Extreme Missionary Position, or place a pillow under her hips to tilt her butt up higher than her torso. 4. To enhance her pleasure, do some kegels during & after intercourse, encourage her to do the same, and give her some afterplay. 5. You can have sex—including oral sex—during her period (and in fact, for a lot of women, their period is a time when they’re so horny they don’t know whether to scratch their watches or wind their asses). Menstrual blood, while not the most glamorous sight in the world, is sterile. Most women are dead-set against having sex while on their periods, but will be unable to provide a logical argument why. Ultimately, it’s simply messy. So if a girl says “I really want to, but I’m on my period.” Reply with “So?” She’ll say “Uh…well…it’s uh, messy.” Say “That’s perfectly all right.” And 1.

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cover the bed with that dark red bath towel I told you to buy ten chapters ago. I’ll completely understand if you don’t want to go down on her, and so will she. 6. Remember after all this that her orgasm is ultimately not your responsibility. By all means do your best to try to induce one, but don’t jump off a bridge if she doesn’t get off.

“All Night Long” There are over a dozen rock songs and love songs with the title “All Night Long”, revolving around the topic of “making love to you all night long.” Perhaps a few of you have said this to a girl during your courting phase, in order to get her in the sack. Have any of you actually succeeded? If so, please contact me at [email protected]. I would like to congratulate you and shake your hand and buy you a beverage…and find out how you achieved this, without some form of priapism. The fantasy of making love all night long is a damned nice one. Unfortunately, as most nights are anywhere from six to ten hours in length, and most mattress mambos are about twenty minutes, it usually remains a fantasy. That’s not such a bad thing, either. A woman can only stay lubricated for so long before she dries out and the interior friction becomes painful instead of pleasurable. You can, however, fill a night with several hot sessions of extended lovemaking, which is always nice. In hindsight it will make it seem like you indeed made love all night long. You will need to be in top physical shape, buy some lubricant (KY jelly is most easy to find; Astroglide is specifically made for sex; although good old-fashioned saliva will work in a pinch), and plan it out in advance. 1. Have a date, or at least a dinner first (make sure to drink 317


a lot of water). 2. Starting in your living room; crank up the heat or start a fire in the fireplace. Watch a romantic or adult film together & give each other mutual massages. 3. Perform oral sex on her. 4. Have her perform oral sex on you (you might think ‘69’ makes more sense, but your goal tonight is to make it last), but don’t let her bring you to orgasm. 5. Have sex in the female-superior position. This time you can let her bring you to orgasm. 6. Relax; cuddle; put on a different film, or chat about this and that; have some coffee and dessert, but also make sure to drink a full glass of water. You should relax for a minimum of twenty minutes. 7. Perform oral sex on her again. 8. Have her perform it on you again (once again, stop before orgasm). 9. Enter your clean bathroom and have sex in the dog-style position. 10. Take a hot shower with the drain plugged, so it becomes a hot bath, and bathe together for another twenty minutes or half an hour. 11. Dry each other off, hit the bedroom, and give her another massage. Finish it by lubricating her thoroughly while massaging her clitoris. 12. Have sex in the missionary position, using the slowest thrusts possible. 13. Go to sleep all pretzeled up in each other.. A lot of you won’t be able to make it to step twelve, which is quite understandable. Also, a few of you won’t be able to make it to step nine, and that is okay, too…there’s nothing dishonorable about being a ‘once-a-night’ man, but you really ought to at least try for two sessions a night, at least once a month. Not only will your woman 318

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appreciate it, you will too, because your second orgasm will make your eyes bulge and your toes curl. The first key to multiple sessions is to take at least twenty minutes of rest between sex acts which require penetration. Twenty minutes is the minimum ‘refractory period’ the male body normally requires between erections (Normally…but for all I know, your name’s Jack Hammer and you’re ready to rock at a moment’s notice). You can also make your erections last longer by use of a desensitizing cream or spray (most contain a small amount of benzocaine), or a cock ring (a metal or rubber ring that goes around the base of your erection). Either of these should be available at your local adult store, or if you don’t have an adult store, call up Adam & Eve at 1800-765-Adam. These options work, but I personally don’t endorse them. With desensitizers, you’re sacrificing your own pleasure for staying power. Great if you’re a gigolo charging by the hour, but you’re probably not. With the cock rings, there can be a goodly amount of discomfort (if not actual pain) with their application and removal, and if they’re on too long they can actually damage the blood vessels inside the penis. Another key to a successful sex-marathon is to make sure she

stays lubricated. The female body has only so much vaginal sweat it can crank out. Tell her to let you know if she’s getting uncomfortable, and don’t skimp on the lubrication. Note that “All Night Long” can easily be exchanged for “All Day Long”. Arrange for the same day off from work; prepare three meals in advance; stock up on videos, and don’t bother getting out of bed. It’ll be like a condensed ‘sex vacation’ between the sheets!

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No Feathers This Time…We’ll Use The Whole Chicken. This certainly is a good time to be alive, because we’re finally able to do things in bed now that we would have burned at the stake for doing a few hundred years ago. “Kinky” is in the eye of the beholder. Some people think that anything outside of the Missionary Position is depraved, others draw the line at whips and chains, some people think that a day without The Rack is a day without sunshine. Everyone’s different. I’m not some spike & leather-clad…(“Ahem! What’s that belt you’re wearing, K.K.?” Oh, that. Sorry, I forgot). I’m not some diaper-wearing, edible underwear-eating, whippedcream-smeared, please-beat-me-if-I-fail-to-satisfy Rack Master (“You most certainly ARE!”—shut up, you!)—I just happen to think that A. Variety is the whipped cream—er, spice of life, yeah, and B. Sex should be Fun. If it’s not fun, then we’re only highly developed social animals, procreating only to spawn more of our whipped-creamsmeared kind. I personally do not endorse any sort of ‘deviant’ sex…nor do I denigrate it, as long as it’s between two consenting adults. I do know, however, that this life is finite, (my guess is that it’s a spiritual ‘proving ground’), and it can end at any moment. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be the Octogenarian staring at his last sunset at the Rest Home, muttering “I really wish I’d tied down those two French girls and covered them with honey liked they asked me to---Aaaaggghhhh!!!” (Thud/Lights out/Take me with ya, Jesus…) Also, it’s said that when most relationships disintegrate, it begins in the bedroom. Familiarity, complacency and boredom can eventually send either partner out lookin’ for strange, to experience a new thrill. This is a needless shame. You can recharge your sex life at any time, with any number of thrills. In fact, in addition to doing something nice for your woman once a month, I suggest you do 320

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something new sexually at least once every other month. Never, ever stop playing. Enclosed please find a few ‘variations’. Use them at your option. Spice up your love life. You never heard ‘em from me, have fun, live long and prosper. Now then…

Wax On The Nipples Or wherever. This is for the hardcore among you, and usually for those girls who already have one or more tattoos. Get her consent first, or at least warn her of what you’re planning, so she doesn’t claw your eyes out in paranoid self-defense. Light some oh-so-romantic candles before you make love. Start making love to her, and when she’s built up a good head o’ steam, take one of those oh-so-romantic candles you’ve got burning nearby, and drip some of its melting wax on her. There is a moment of pain, but it’s just a moment, and then the wax cools and hardens. Stroke and/or lick it off (obviously wax is tasteless, but you look so damned macho!) The cooler, more chivalrous guys among you will let her do it to you first, which is really only fair. Start having sex, get into the girlon-top position, and after a few thrusts give her a candle and say “pour some wax on me”. She’ll probably be wildly into it (67%), or not into it at all (22%). Proceed as directed: if she’ll do it to you, chances are she won’t mind your doing it to her. But do try a bit on her wrist first off, so she realizes it’s rather trivial of a sensation, and doesn’t think you’re the new Marquis De Sade. Otherwise, when you’re thrusting away in the Missionary Position, and you’re surrounded by candles, and you’re looking for that one last variable to push her over the edge…look no further! (If she kicks you to the curb for being too ‘kinky’, at least you’ll be immortalized in her memory forever as the guy who wanted to do the ‘wax on the nipples’ thing…) 321


Pie In Your Face Onward into lunacy we go! Get yourself a chocolate cream pie (or whatever flavor floats your boat) from the frozen food section of your supermarket. It needs to be a pre-made, ready-to-serve pie. You can try to make one yourself, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. The most important thing is that it should have a pre-made crust. Use whatever utensil you need to separate it from the aluminum shell—Gently—you need it whole. Keep it under a paper towel on the nightstand to let it thaw for a bit before she shows up, and place that extra shower curtain liner over the bed to protect your sheets an’ such. Okay. There you are, both naked and she’s breathless with anticipation of your next trick. Lift the pie out of its shell, keeping one hand beneath it. Lower it over one of her breasts, then use your lower hand to break the crust from below. Sit it on her breast, and gravity will force her breast into it from beneath. Hope you’re hungry—and who wouldn’t be? You can also place it between her breasts without having to crack a hole in the bottom of the pie, just crush or squeeze the pie into a shape that fits. However, I’ve found that it’s easier to eat a banana split out of a girl’s cleavage than a pie…sure it’s colder, but you’ll heat her up later. It’s messy? So what? That’s what showers are for. Naturally the pie can easily be substituted for whipped cream, jam, chocolate sauce, Nutella, ice cream, peanut butter, honey, fresh fruit, all of the above. But whatever you use, don’t just eat it, eat the hell out of it, LICK it off her, pressing it against her skin with your tongue as you do so. It’s a taste sensation for the metal generation.

Your Friend The Goldfish If you’ve got goldfish, tropical fish (any kind except piranha), or pet fish of any kind, here’s a way to put some action into their otherwise drab little lives. Talk about kinky, this one borders on crazy, but it 322

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doesn’t hurt and she’ll think you’re some kind of sex-sorcerer. You will need a small transparent bowl; (a brandy snifter or a wine goblet works better but it ought to be plastic, not glass) its mouth needs to be slightly narrow, but still wide enough for the goldfish to get in and out. Transfer said fish into said container (when there’s water in it, duhhh) when you’re ready. Is your girlfriend naked yet? Okay, you’re ready. Tell her you’re going to try something new, it’s not going to hurt and she can bail if she doesn’t like it. Have her sit up in bed, leaning forward. Take the glass with our friend the goldfish and carefully place the mouth of the glass around her breast. Press down until there’s an airtight seal. Tell her to lie back slowly, and keep the glass pressed down so no water escapes. When she’s completely prone, the glass should be inverted and the goldfish should be going nuts (there’s a beautiful breast inches away and you don’t have any hands! Wouldn’t you go nuts?), swirling the water around the end of her tit kind of like a Water-Massager. The visual effect in itself is amazing. With a bit of practice, thanks to the glorious smooth qualities of feminine skin, you can sweep the glass over and around her chest and abdomen without spilling a drop—and if you do spill a drop, who cares? During sex you’re bound to get a little wet anyway. Oh, and don’t forget to put your friend the goldfish back in his tank when you’re done, where he’ll doubtlessly grumble to himself “A beautiful

tit Right There and I didn’t have any Hands! Damn, I wish I was human…” Oil Drilling Take a lot of blankets and pillows, and make a pallet of them on the living room or bedroom floor. Cover it with the extra shower-curtain liner. Cover that with baby oil or mineral oil. Then cover you and your naked girlfriend with oil (although don’t put any into her vagina). Then go at it, starting off with a massage and ending with 323


some really slippery, savage pro-wrestling style sex. Since your skin’s going to have that nice oily gleam, this works best when you have a fireplace, with a fire going, but candlelight and strobe light work well too. Afterwards, take a shower together.

Kiss From A Rose If you ever get her a bouquet of roses, why let them sit in some vase dying a slow death? If you’ve ever seen True Lies, you know they’ve got other uses. Have her close her eyes and stroke her face, neck, back, chest and sides with the petals of one or more roses, as if they’re paintbrushes. Optionally, warm up a small bowl of massage oil so it’s slightly warmer than room temperature, dip the roses peta-first into the oil and then use them as paintbrushes. Also, here’s something that happened fairly recently…I was on my way to a dinner & movie date at a new girl’s house, and I stopped at a convenience store to buy her one of those three-rose bouquets that I always try to show up with. The store had roses, all right, but they were dying hard deaths right in front of me, and I was almost late for the date and had no clue where any other stores with flowers were. So I said “Sod it, I’ll take ‘em.” And the manager said “Hang on, let me try something…” And she proceeded to pick the dead petals off of the outer edge of the roses, down to where the few slightly ‘living’ petals were. This left me three ‘mini roses’ in a cellophane bouquet-sleeve that was half-filled with dead petals. It looked kind of pathetic, but I noticed that the dead petals were really soft, and still smelled great…and I had an idea. I got to the girl’s house, and she had just come back from work and was obviously tired. So I told her, “Screw the dinner and the movie for now…draw yourself a hot bath, and get in it.” So she did. Then I entered the bathroom, and knelt by the tub, and began tossing the rose petals all over her body. She was 324

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overjoyed. Then I rubbed her feet with body lotion, then I used the existing roses as brushes for her skin. Afterwards she told me it was the most awesome bath she’d ever had in her life!

Feelings…nothing more than… “—Feeeelings, WHOA, Ohh, ohh, feeeeeeliiiiings…” Ahem, sorry, but I kind of dig that song now. Anyway, for our next trick, get the following: a feather, a rose, a Popsicle or some ice cubes, a peach with a bite taken out of it, a small plush stuffed animal, a square of fine sandpaper, and a blindfold, but don’t let Her Hotness see them. Actually, you can include anything you think will feel interesting or sensual. When she’s naked and prone, blindfold her (you don’t need to tie her down, but that can be fun, too). Use each of the items one at a time to softly brush her skin, beginning with her face, throat, shoulders, chest and abdomen, ending with her breasts and finally her nipples. Take Your Time. You may wish to quiz her with “What’s this?” as you tease her with them, only moving on to the next item after she’s successfully guessed them. Finish by wiping her breasts clean with a cloth and then applying the Popsicles to her nipples, smothering the chill with your tongue. With any luck, she’ll eventually want to do this to you.

The Three-Slice Special Yes, you too can be a pervert for a mere fifteen dollars, plus tip… Tell your girl to come over for pizza, champagne, a video and a thrill. For bonus points, ask what she wants on the pizza. Set aside a cheap blanket, a few large towels, a bed sheet or a shower curtain liner. 325


Okay, she’s there, you’re watching the movie, you’ve rubbed her feet, you’ve gotten her decently drunk, and the pizza arrives. Pay for it…and tip the poor bastard, you cheap f**ker, he probably didn’t want to go to Florida State University, but hey, he’s got a job (sorry, but I had to put a “Gator bite” in there). Eat the pizza, obviously…but don’t eat too much of it of it to the point you’re stuffed and can’t eat any more. Whatever you do, Don’t eat the last three slices. Tell your girl to strip naked and lay down on the couch, bed, or floor…whichever surface you’ve already covered with your blanket/towels/whatever. Take the last three slices of the pizza, and drape them individually over her breasts and groin (By the time you’ve eaten the other slices, the last three slices should be marginally cool enough to place against her skin). Eat them off her, slowly, without using your hands. For bonus points, set your teeth into one of the slices that are on her breasts, and ‘work it’ back and forth, left and right, so the bottom of the pizza-slice grates over her breasts and nipple. Eat the slices on her breasts first, then go to the one slice covering her groin. Clamp your teeth into it, then turn it sideways and use the crust as a sort of ‘brush’ against her clitoris and labia, while you’re eating it. This should prevent you for having to pay for any more pizza with this girl. In fact, don’t be surprised if she invites you over for ‘just a pizza’.

Breakfast Of The Gods To make a long story short, cook a breakfast that you can eat off each

other. Make a short stack of pancakes first, then cook a nice, thick sausage, then fry some eggs. A bit of fruit wouldn’t hurt either. The Breakfast of the Gods can either be eaten off of you, or off of 326

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her. Since you’ve read this book and she hasn’t, let’s start with her. While she’s asleep—since you’ve just fucked her into Nirvana— start cooking. When she wakes up, give her some water, then some coffee. Tell her to wake up, but also to relax, and to stay naked and prone (tough gig!). When you’re done cooking, put a fried egg on each of her tits. Put the stack of pancakes on her abdomen, slathered with butter and syrup. Use the sausage as a…well, I think you get the idea… Bon Appetit!!!

The Female Sundae “Hello and welcome to Chez Poussette. Tonight our specials are breast of blonde, breast of brunette and breast of redhead. Would Mademoiselle care for a whine list? “Oh, baby baby, you Gots to gimme some, Please baby baby Please, can I get it yo…” First, don’t eat anything all day. Second, clean the bathtub. Hell, clean the bathroom. But concentrate on the bathtub, and rinse it thoroughly, leaving no trace of cleaning chemicals or solvents. Basically you want it clean enough to eat out of it, which is exactly what you’ll be doing. (If that sounds like too much work, you can break out another spare shower curtain liner, put it over a pallet of blankets on the floor, then surround it with pillows and couch cushions to make a kind of ‘tub’ or ‘bowl’ out of it, like you did in the ‘Oil Drilling’ stunt). Now, get your favorite flavor of ice cream, and her favorite flavor of ice cream, as much as you feel like eating. Add a can of ReddiWhip whipped cream or a tub of Cool-Whip, some Hershey’s chocolate syrup, and maybe some cherries or strawberries if you like. Put these in the refrigerator, not the freezer, so they’ll thaw 327


slightly. Call your girlfriend over to your place for a night of love and a “daring new snack concept”. Then turn the heat up in your place…not to sauna-level, just enough to make it warmer than usual. When she comes over, give her a rose, fix her a drink, chat with her about this or that, but eventually ask her to strip and get into the tub, but not to turn the water on. She’ll be clueless but probably won’t run off screaming. When she’s naked in the tub, bring over your various ingredients and smear them all over her body. Playing Van Halen’s “Ice Cream Man” is optional. A neat trick to do with the ice cream is to put a big spoonful in your mouth, let it melt for a second, then close your lips around her nipple and ‘bubble’ it (breathing in & out around it). Feel free to get as creative & messy as you like here (you’re going to shower it all off anyway), but don’t put any ice cream or candy INSIDE her vagina. This goes for any foodstuff. If anything spills on or over her vagina, it shouldn’t be anything to worry about, but food inside the vagina can react with her body’s natural bacteria to create vaginitis. Otherwise, go to town…eat it all, then eat her, then shower up, then fuck like bunnies, then see your dentist.

Fit To Be Tied I like a girl who knows were she’s bound; it’s always nice to show her some restraint. Yeah, I’m slyly alluding to bondage, but not domination…that whip & chain & ball-gag & nipple-clamp crowd’s a little too deviant even for me. I’m fairly certain your girlfriend wouldn’t volunteer for a night on The Rack either. But who knows, ask her. It can be fun, once you know, love & trust each other, to tie each other down once in a while for a wicked tease session. It goes without saying that if you tie a girl down, she’s allowed to tie you down, once you untie her. This is where that know-love-trust thing comes in: never allow a NEW girl (that you don’t know or trust 328

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100%) to tie you down. Horror stories abound of men who submit to bondage like drooling idiots, only to be tied down and abandoned for a practical joke, or beaten, robbed or worse. Also, you should never use real handcuffs. “Wow, honey, that was awesome. You can uncuff me now.” “Where’s the key?” “I thought you had the key.” “No, you said you had the key.” “Great. Do me a favor; call my boss and tell him I’ll be late. Then get the hacksaw out of the garage for me.” Magic stores sell novelty quick-release cuffs that release at the press of a hidden button; adult stores sell novelty fur-lined cuffs which are much better. For those of you wanting to go all the way, you can order a complete Bondage Sheet Set (a special mat that fits over your bed with wrist & ankle restraints already attached, from Fairvilla Adult Megastore (www.fairvillaonline.com). But actually, you can get just as good results from neckties or bandannas; they won’t chafe like handcuffs. All you really need is some holes or protrusions on the bed to anchor her to. If you don’t have any, tie some short lengths of rope to the legs of the bed. Being blindfolded adds an extra tinge of excitement; just strap her down and tease her wickedly! The items from the “Feelings” section above come in handy here, too. Have fun, and make sure you free her, eventually.

Rockin’ Places To Get It On If you’re not ‘into the kink’…which is perfectly all right…you can also spice up your sex life by having sex in different places beside the bedroom. In public, or in the Great Outdoors, you obviously run the risk of being seen, or busted for public indecency. Ironically, this scares women and turns them on at the same time. In certain situations, you might be well advised to bribe whoever’s in charge of the area ($10 or $20 should be fine, just say “The lady and I would 329


like some privacy, we’ll be out of here in twenty minutes, thank you very much.”) However, if you and the girl look really good, watch your language and ‘make love’ instead of fuck, the risks of being busted are substantially less…you’ll probably get off with a warning. I’d defy charges with “Public Indecency?! What the Hell is indecent

about Us?! Look at us, damnit! We’re the two hottest people you’ll ever See having sex!!! You’re lucky we’re not charging admission!!!” Ahem…now then… 1. The Beach (I think it’s overrated because the damn sand gets everywhere, but sunlight & surf make it nice & romantic. You can be a bit less obvious by wrapping yourselves up in a beach blanket. If the beach is too crowded, you and she can swim out to the point where only your heads are above water, and do it standing up.) 2. The Hood Of Your Car (Bonus points for doing it on the hood of a police car!) 3. On Top Of The Washing Machine Or Dryer While It’s On (She sits on it, facing you; you may need a footstool or something. This can be problematic for you, but she’ll love it.) 4. A Hot Tub (She’ll love ‘backing it up’ against the hot water jets.) 5. A Dry Spa/Sauna (The heat drives women into paroxysms of lust! But be careful that you don’t have a heart attack, like I did.) 6. A Moving Train (A ‘sleeper car’ is best, but otherwise, if she wears a skirt with no underwear, it can appear that she’s innocently sitting on your lap.) 7. 18th Hole Of a Golf Course (Really soft grass!) 8. Funhouse of an amusement park 9. Bed of a moving pickup truck (Especially cool if you’re driving through Miami.) 10. On a bearskin rug in front of a fireplace 11. In a hammock (Just try not to flip yourselves over.) 12. On Top Of A Mountain (Particularly good at sunset or sunrise.) 330

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13. A Haunted House (By the way, did you know that Lizzie Borden’s old house is now a Bed & Breakfast Hotel now? Well, it is. Just don’t look at the wallpaper for too long, or you too will go insane.) 14. Old-style hand-cranked merry-go-round on a kid’s playground (Hopefully AFTER the kids have gone home. Dizzying, but what a trip!) 15. Under a waterfall 16. On top of an Aztec Pyramid (You might ask “Why not an Egyptian Pyramid?” Well, the Aztecs had flat-topped pyramids with stairs on the side; the Egyptians didn’t. Also Mexico’s a lot closer than Egypt.) 17. A Movie Theater (Pick the latest show of a romantic comedy on the last week it’s playing; it ought to be deserted. Bribe the usher. Use your coats as blankets.) 18. On the roof of a skyscraper (What a view!) 19. Top floor of the Eiffel Tower (An even better view, but this requires a heftier bribe.) 20. In an elevator stuck between floors 21. Beside a bonfire in the great outdoors (Hey, those two rhymed! Step off, y’all, I be a rapper now! Jump back an’ kiss myself…) 22. In a walk-in closet during a house party (Even cooler during a Wedding Reception, since the bridesmaids are incredibly ‘moist’ due to the romantic atmosphere.) 23. Belgium 24. In your car at the drive-in (Hell, it’s probably the reason Drive-Ins were invented. You can increase privacy by placing your clothes over the tops of the windows and rolling them up all the way. It’s also very helpful if she wears a skirt with no underwear beneath.) 25. On the deck of a sailing ship (Even small craft can be amusing if you bring an air mattress onboard with you.) 26. Bathroom of an airplane (Okay, this rocks ‘cause you get into the ‘Mile High Club’ and get a thrill of doing something only a few 331


people ever do. However, for practical purposes, it sucks because Airplane bathrooms are sized for gnomes, and comfortable sex is almost impossible. Anyway, tell her to go in first and ‘start without you’ (masturbate). You give a ‘secret-code knock’ a few minutes later, she lets you in, you do a Crash-Bang-Wallop quickie either dogstyle or reverse-cowgirl with you seated beneath her. Spray some cologne in the air and then leave separately.) 27. In a hayloft (It’s still a good idea to use a blanket, though, because without one you’ll get hay up your butt.) 28. In a flower garden (You might end up wrecking a bunch of the flowers, but they’ll end up dying in the winter anyway. You might as well give them some X-rated thrills first.) 29. On top of a pool table (It should be sturdy enough to hold both of you, But it’s still a hard surface, so let her get on top.) 30. In your cubicle at work (If you’re unlucky enough to have to work in a damned cubicle, you might as well liven it up. Get in your chair and let her jump on you, or bend her over with holding the top of the cubicle wall. You can get a bit of privacy by ‘working late’ or ‘working through lunch’. Another tactic that covers your noises is to tape-record a conversation where you’re teaching her a new software program, and play the tape while you’re going at it. Everyone outside the cubicle thinks you’re discovering the joy of RAM, which you are.) 31. Stonehenge! Just ‘cause it’s there.

You ought to be in pictures… At a certain point, you might want to record your lovemaking sessions on video. I’ve done this and I find it incredibly hot, except for the part where I climaxed and just grunted like a caveman. For assorted reasons, don’t be surprised if your girlfriend doesn’t want to join you on ‘the small screen’. She’s already incredibly self332

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conscious about her body, and she’s also quaking inside over if you’re going to sell the tape to whoever produces “Red Hot Amateurs #45”. So, to get her over this, tell her she gets to keep the tape. Then, the second time you tape each other, you keep that one. It’s like a form of weird retroactive blackmail…but if she sells her copy to “Red Hot Amateurs #46”, you’ll have quite a memento to show your grandkids…”Heh! Heh! Ya lil’ whippersnappers didn’t think Grandpa knew how to lay pipe, did ya? Damn, lookit how huge I was, back in the day…I could go all night, like a lumberjack…let me fast-forward it and I’ll show you a ‘Dirty Sanchez’…Hey, where are ya going?”” One way to subtly and slowly ‘defrost’ her on the idea of starring in your show is to watch an adult film together. My mcd found adult films mostly cheap and sleazy, which most of them are, but fortunately not ALL of them are cheap and sleazy. Check out the following:

Quest For The Snow Leopard Dreamquest Conquest Flashpoint Roadblock Heat Biohazard 2: The Alien Force (Not XXX, but I’m in a softcore love scene with Catherine Gulliver and we look SO DAMNED HOT!!!)

Rockhard Café Flesh Debbie Does Dallas (Dated perhaps, but still a classic. I took one of my girls to the video store to pick out a video for us, and she chose this one. The cast isn’t quite the ultra-buff genetically altered performers seen in today’s films, but they’re hot enough, and there’s an actual story.) Virtual Encounters (Softcore) The Erotic House of Wax (Softcore) (*--available from AdamandEve.com…and last I heard, you could 333


get all four on the same dvd for under twenty dollars!) Yet taping sex is pretty cool, and very easy; set the camera next to the bed (or buy one of those convenient fifteen dollar tripods), pull back to a wide shot, press record and let it rip!

Doubling Your Pleasure So, what’s your fantasy? Don’t bother, I already know…it’s Menage A Trois, or Two Girls At Once, which is every guy’s fantasy. Can it come true? Well, I like to think anything’s possible, but these are difficult to set up. Statistically, only one woman in 30 will do this; a few drinks will lower the odds slightly. The Class of 183 only contained five girls who entertained the notion, and four who actually did it. And yeah, it was worth it, it was wonderful, it was the closest thing to worship that a man can achieve. (Some of you might think ‘Why stop at two girls, then?’—and indeed, go for it if you like, but a third girl is probably going to play Left Out unless you’ve got extra arms. Two girls left me exhausted.) Now, if you’ve got the cash, the airfare and the moral ambiguity to pay for it, merely trip off to Las Vegas and then head off to the brothels (some will even send a limo out for you), where you can have all the women you can afford. In Europe, there’s a red-light district in Amsterdam which offers legalized prostitution as well. Note the word legalized! It’s why these two areas are your best bets; every major metropolitan area has its “Escort Services” and “Massage Parlors”, but they exist in a murky legal limbo where you might end up entertaining pimps, gangsters, undercover police officers, etc. So Caveat Emptor. Otherwise, you can prowl various on-line matchmaking services discussed earlier, which will tell you who’s into threesomes. Or, if you’ve already got a girlfriend, you can just pitch the prospect to her and keep hammering away until she either dumps you or gives in. (She might dump you after the Menage A Trois 334

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anyway—read on). How you ‘hammer away’ is to watch adult films together and make sure every film you watch has a threesome in it (If she won’t watch an adult film with you, you can forget about a threesome too, for now). Then, when you’re having sex with her, get her talking dirty, wait until she’s coming, and then start yelling “Say you’ll do a woman for me!” Keep it up until she says it, then say “Tell me what you’ll do to her!” (Beware! Some of the things she’ll say might make smoke come out of your ears!) You don’t have to say this every time you have sex, but just often enough to keep the prospect in her mind. This is not to turn your girlfriend into a bisexual freak, it’s the groundwork for her accepting another naked woman in the same room with you without World War Three bursting out. Then take her to a strip club, have her pick out a dancer, and buy her a lap dance. A lot of strippers are bisexual; hopefully you can find one you can both agree on, become her ‘regulars’, and take it from there. If all goes well, you can put out an ad in your local Personals for a third ‘Bridge Partner’. Otherwise, you have to find two girls who are wildly uninhibited, flying high on this or that drink or chemical, or just think you’re God’s gift to women. Optionally, if you meet two girls in a club (that look like they’re really friendly with each other), ask them if they share everything. If you keep their interest, treat them as one person, pay them equal attention. At No time should it seem like you’re choosing one of them—make it clear that you like them both. Dance with both of them at the same time, hug both of them at the same time, and keep it up. Eventually drop the hint that you’d like both of them at once (“You ladies probably don’t let a lot of things come between you…but I’d like to be one of them.”), and invite them back to your place for a nightcap. Bring ‘em over, pour ‘em a drink, unplug the phone, put on a video from Surrender Cinema, and go for it. 335


“That’s it?!” You blurt in dismay. What, do I have to hold your freakin’ hand or something…Okay, try these tactics: 1. This is the opportune time to play Strip Poker, or break out that R-rated board game (Bumps and Grinds, Around The World In Bed, Sip and Go Naked, etc.) or that old party classic Twister, as it combines stretching and foreplay. 2. It’s also classy to feed them some grapes or strawberries by hand. 3. If you don’t have a game (for instance, if you’re at their place), start with a three-way massage; get between them and stroke both their backs (deftly unhooking their bras while you’re about it!), or kneel before them and rub their feet. 4. Kiss one, then the other, rapidly and repeatedly. Now, unless you’re some sort of genetic mutant, you obviously can’t have intercourse with both of them at the same time, but there are ways to stimulate both girls at the same time. A. Whichever girl seems heavier or stronger, have her lay down horizontally across your bed, right along the pillows or a bit lower. Have the lighter girl lay vertically on the bed so her back and shoulders are laying on the stomach of the other girl (she can put her arms behind her to keep some of her weight off of the other girl, but she shouldn’t be able to crush her, really). Their bodies should form something of a cross or a T. Now, enter the lighter girl while using your left hand to stimulate the vagina and clitoris of the heavier girl, your mouth or right hand on the breasts of the heavier girl, and your right elbow supporting your weight. B. If your bed’s wide enough for all three of you, lay in the middle and draw a line in whipped cream (or whatever you have) from your forehead, down your body to the length of your shaft. Have the girls lay down on either side of you so you can put your arms 336

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around them, then tell them to ‘take sides’, chuckle chuckle. C. If you’ve got strong lungs and don’t mind supporting a bit of weight, you can directly stimulate both girls at once by laying on your back, having one straddle you for girl-on-top sex, and have the other one mount your face for oral sex. Hell, let ‘em play tic-tac-toe on your chest if they want. D. If you have a sufficiently high enough chair with widelyspaced legs, one girl can sit in it and the other can be on her hands and knees beneath it, if there’s room. This way you can perform oral sex on the seated girl while having dog-style sex with the other girl. E. If the girls really are bisexual, you can have dogstyle sex with one while’s she’s performing oral sex on her friend. F. You can always do them one at a time, of course. (With Mandy & Maria I’d do one for a while, count to 60, say “Time’s Up!” and jump on the other one, leaving the first to say “Hey--!!”) You might feel like a kid in a candy shop…who wouldn’t, really…but try to pace yourself. Since one girl normally gets you off, think what two can do. Take your time and use a lot of oral and hand techniques on the girls before actual intercourse, and make the intercourse last with a lot of slow thrusting—I swear by the ‘Count to 60 and switch’ tactic described above--so that both girls have as much fun as you do, and hopefully invite you for a rematch. The problem with a Menage A Trois (besides setting it up), can be in its aftermath. If the girls were a couple to begin with, everything should be fine. If you were the couple to begin with, your girl can have paroxysms of envy, guilt and anger, watching you fuck another girl right next to her (imagine letting another guy fuck her right next to you—if you can’t, you’ve really got no business in a threesome— then crank up the jealousy to the notch marked ‘female’, and you’ve got some idea of what she’s feeling). In fact, in order not to be a hypocrite, you’d have to agree to share your girlfriend with another guy! I’m sure a lot of you would cringe at that notion, but actually if the 337


other guy is disease-free and sane, if you know and trust him, a ‘tagteam match’ can be quite a thrill. It can be very fulfilling for your girl to be pleasured by two guys who know what they’re doing…it ought to last longer, if nothing else. It can also be very relaxing for you (you have sex with her, bust a nut, ‘tag the other guy in’ and then you can switch to her performing oral sex on you, or you can take a breather, re-load the camera, or knock back a refreshing glass of whiskey). However, make sure she wants this, don’t just show up with another guy saying “Hi Honey, this is Matt, I thought you’d like to fuck him.”

But what if the other girl in the menage-a-trois is a better lover than my girlfriend, or what if the other guy in the three-way turns out to be better than me? Ah, that’s the third problem (and another reason why threesomes are rare). That’s a valid risk, but it ought to be negligible, if you and your girl have been together a long time, and you know each other deeply and treat each other right. If your girl has a functioning brain, she ought to stand by you, rather than this guy who just showed up for a night of fun. Secondly, after reading this book, who’s going to be a better lover than you? Third, if the other girl is a better lover than your girlfriend, so what? You’ve had sex with her, and you still get to keep your girlfriend! It’s the best of all possible worlds! I’m still looking for the girl who’ll agree to a menage a trois once a year (on my birthday), and letting her have a ‘day off’ on her birthday (with me running the camera, of course). I know the odds are against it, but it’s a big old planet.

Experiencing Technical Difficulties? Then please stand by. Yeah, we’d all like sex to be a never-ending pleasure dome of perfectly-functioning, risk-free, beautiful bodies. No fear, no guilt, no problems. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work out that way. But if you ever encounter the following problems, just remember there are thousands of starving Africans and bomb-deafened Afghanis 338

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who would kill to have your problems.

Impotence Bad news first: there’s a 95% chance this will happen to you on more than one occasion, and you will probably not get to choose the occasion. The good news: this is not the living hell it’s made out to be, and I’m relatively sure few if any men have shot themselves over it. It’s not fatal, and in most cases it can be corrected (for our purposes, I’m talking about the once-or-twice-a-decade impotence). Since it can happen to anyone, even Your Humble Servant, let me entertain you with my own personal experiences: I was at a pool party made up of my fraternity brothers, their dates, and two attractive girls who were high school seniors. I’d had a few jays, a few beers, and was swimming in the pool and began to feel some very suggestive tugs on my swim trunks whenever one of the aforementioned jailbaits swam by. When she surfaced, I innocently asked her what the hell she was doing. “Getting ready to fuck you.” She said simply. (God bless the girls who come right out and say it). She was apparently the cousin of one of my fraternity brothers, but she was 18, good-looking, and I’d had a few beers (remember that part), so I said “Why not?” We went into a private room and I started eating her like a tossed salad, but she wanted to skip the preliminaries. She took off my wet swimsuit and I was obviously as firm as a cluster of prunes. She began fondling me to no immediate effect, then shoved me into the closet when her friend entered the room. They chatted for a few minutes while I shivered and tried to wish myself firm and dry. Again, no immediate effect. She ditched her friend, got back to me, and we went through the motions again, but still nothing. “I can’t believe you’re not ready!” 339


She said, and after a few more minutes we called it quits and she went out on the town with her friend. I grumbled, cursed my malfunctioning equipment and went back to the party. Strangely enough, I was able to perform about two hours later with a different girl, whom everyone else had dismissed as ugly, but I didn’t care (and apparently neither did Mr. Prong). Case #2: I was getting it on with a stunning redhead named Karen that I was falling in love with. It was our second or third time in the sack, and I was initially hard as a rock…but Lo! What treachery was this? Halfway through foreplay, I found myself deflating. So I redoubled my efforts at passion, grinding myself against her, even stroking myself, all to no avail. Then an idea hit me. I eased back. I put my arms around her and held her close, stroked her hair, kissed her softly and deeply. It was kind of like “letting go” of the sex and just feeling the love. In a matter of seconds: Sproing! ‘Present and accounted for and ready to drill through bank vaults, Sir!’ I have since not had a problem. As we’re all different in mind and body, this technique may or may not work for you, but I recommend it (I just wish I’d thought of it earlier, at that pool party). In my experience, certain factors seem to lead to impotence. They are: 1. Cold temperatures and/or damp clothing. If it’s cold and you’re wearing cold & damp clothing, I strongly suggest you get someplace it’s warm and dry yourself off thoroughly before getting romantic. 2. Alcohol, marijuana and cocaine. Probably other drugs as well, but depressants and calmatives definitely don’t help. 3. Physical Exhasution. 4. Unfamiliar times, places and/or partners. These can be paramount, and they’re the reason I suggest sex should happen naturally. When you’re rushing things, Mr. Prong may have second 340

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thoughts about this battle you’ve commanded him to charge into. In the latter case, impotence is not always a bad thing! It may be your subconscious asking you “Do you really want to do this? Is this really such a good idea?” (This is what I call “Impotence in selfdefense”.) If you’re temporarily caught between a willing spirit and weak flesh…try to look on the bright side! “What?!” You rave. “How the hell can impotence have a f**king ‘bright side’?!” Ummm…well: A. You don’t have to worry about getting anyone pregnant, this time around. B. Your chance of contracting sexually transmitted diseases is at an all-time low when you’re impotent. C. You’re impotent, not dead. D. You’ve just been given an amazing insight into you girl’s psyche. If you’ve just picked her up at some meat-market, you’ll probably just hear her slam the door on her way out. But if you’ve got a relationship going, now you’ll see how she handles a setback like this. For the most part, a girl you’ve already successfully had sex with will be patient, compassionate and understanding. Some women aren’t quite so sympathetic; subconsciously they might feel it’s an insult to them, that they’re not turning you on. During these occasions when you’ve been ‘spared the rod’, so to speak, remember that you do have hands, a mouth, a voice, a brain and a heart. Use them.

Trivia: Person least likely to suffer from impotence, but occasionally has: Ted Nugent.

Worst possible thing to say to Ted Nugent: “Well, the Motor City Madman can’t get it up.” 341


Best response to such an affront: “That’s right, bitch. Doesn’t say much for your talents, does it?” (--Ted Nugent; quoted in PENTHOUSE.) Damn straight, Ted! A truly sympathetic and compassionate girl will do everything in her power to get you cranked up. So sometimes you can relax and let her take the reins. It’s also tough to stay soft in a truly sympathetic and compassionate girl’s moving mouth, as well. Impotence can also obviously be a result of physical injury or paralysis, but as a layman I can’t be of any help in this area. Landmark strides are being made in medicine and therapy as we speak, though. If you find impotence recurring regularly, you should obviously consult your physician immediately.

Quick On The Trigger Another term for impotence’s snotty kid brother, premature ejaculation. I’d hazard a guess that from a female viewpoint, nearly all ejaculations are premature, because 80% of the time we hit our climax before they do! However, you may sometimes ‘hit your peak’ just as you slide into your girl, and it won’t be the glorious explosion you’re used to, but a barely-felt spasm. It can happen. It seems to happen more frequently if you’re not using a condom, or if the girl has been skillfully groping you or performing oral sex on you, or if you’re nervous. So, what we can all learn from THIS is… Wear a damned condom anyway!!! First of all, the slight reduction of sensation you get is not “The Enemy”, it actually helps you delay your climax, and as an exciting free bonus, it also helps you delay the birth of children you may not be prepared to raise! That’s right, I hate to break it to you, but the million-strong ‘Fallopian Swim Team’ are not going to say “What? It was a premature ejaculation? Oh, damn. Let’s call the whole thing off. OK guys, everybody back inside!” (Seriously, I hate to think of the poverty-stricken young families 342

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created through premature ejaculation. The kids ask their father “Daddy, how was I born?” And instead of saying “Sweetheart, your mother and I prayed for you so much that one night God heard us and had an angel bring you down from Heaven and put you into mommy’s tummy”, the father has to sheepishly say “Sweetheart, your mother was just so hot & snug that I couldn’t pull out of her fast enough.”) Now, let’s assume you’ve got the presence of mind to wear a condom…but you feel the Million Man March beginning down below anyway. One way to kick premature ejaculation in the ass is to slow down. Have you ever though of it? It helps a lot. I know when you slide into a woman, the thing that feels natural is to hammer away. But if you deliberately slow your thrusts you can delay your climax somewhat. For our next trick, change positions if you feel an early climax ‘coming’ on. This works because you’re leaving a tight hot love-zone designed to make you climax, for room-temperature air…even for a moment…and your body reacts accordingly. This also includes switching to oral sex or The Claw. A true gigolo will always bring a woman to climax by cunnilingus first, and then use at least two positions during intercourse. Another trick is to stop just before an early climax, withdraw from your girl and pinch your penis hard just behind the head, on the top and underside, for 3-5 seconds, and then go back to work. Finally, let’s say you’ve tried all of these and you ejaculate a bit faster than you would have liked to, anyway. Keep right on going (thrusting) like it never happened. Even after ejaculation you’re going to be hard for at least another minute, and you’re going to be ‘substantial’ for another few minutes after that. So don’t stop, keep going.. If you keep going you can have another orgasm…And the second orgasm will be dynamite!!! It’ll make your first orgasm seem like a date with Rosie Palm! (Case in point: Deborah brought me off with a sublime blowjob that practically lifted my ass off the bed. Being a once-a-night lad at 343


the time, I thought “Damn, she was so good to me, and now there’s going to be nothing left for her.” Then I thought “Screw it, I’m still hard!” I flipped her, stripped her, put a condom on and had a nice long rematch that got her off once and me off twice!) So, even when you don’t climax prematurely, do her and yourself a favor and go for the ‘extra point’. You may be pleasantly surprised! Like impotence, chronic premature ejaculation can have physical or mental origins and might be treatable with physical or psychological therapy. There are also desensitizing creams available at your local adult store, and thinking about baseball seems to help some guys…but to me those last two options seem to defeat the purpose of sex; you’ve got a right to your own pleasure as well as hers. PS: If your girl seems taken aback by a ‘warning shot’, so to speak, praise the hell out of her. Simply say: “Damn, you’re Incredible! Twelve seconds…it’s a New Record!!!”

Complications On the serious tip now, let’s take a moment to discuss some other issues that can seriously damage or destroy relationships. Your humble servant will freely admit that one of his last relationships was an unmitigated disaster, resulting in hurt kids, a damaged career, a forced move and abject poverty. What was even worse was the fact that I’d entered into a business venture with my girlfriend, and my entire livelihood had become dependent on her. While she descended into alcoholism, drug abuse and paranoia, I labored night and day to save our business and our relationship. Eventually it was like I was an E.R. doctor trying to revive a decapitation victim: “Just let me sew the head back on! He’ll be fine!” At one point near the inevitable end, Milady said “Ken, relationships aren’t perfect. They need work. Let’s work it out!” Normally these words would have seemed sweet and innocent and righteous. However, all they did was summon a demon into my brain 344

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who screamed “You work it out, you sick, twisted, pill-popping

Freak, get some Fucking Professional Help ‘cause I’m not your Fucking Psychiatrist, now Excuse Me while I take Your Kid to school and miss Another day of work and dig myself deeper in Debt, try not to drink yourself into a Coma while I’m gone!!!” These heavy words were left unsaid, but perhaps they should have been said, and then I wouldn’t have caught…

Complication #1: Baggage The charming & witty Dr. Barbara DeAngelis says in her Making Love Work seminar: “When we go into a new relationship, we don’t show up empty-handed, do we? Oh, no…” And then she goes offstage for a moment and returns with a luggage cart loaded with suitcases labeled “Divorce”, “Guilt”, “Debt”, “Paranoia” and so on. It’s freakin’ hilarious…and unfortunately, true. For example, Ms. Sick-twisted-pill-popping-freak previously mentioned did not emerge from a vacuum. She had just separated from a man who (she claimed) was physically abusive. We moved in together, and I thought “Well, she’ll be happy now; nobody’s gonna abuse her again.” And all was calm for a few weeks…which turned out to be the Calm before the Storm. She then got routinely drunk and trashed our house. She loudly argued about anything that was possibly arguable, particularly fond of doing it in public. She had a private detective do a background check on me. She took off for days on end, bringing her laundry over to her abusive ex-husband’s house to wash it?! She slept with anyone she possibly could, she demanded that I fight my best friend for her ‘honor’, she threatened to kill an ex-girlfriend of mine for calling me to say hello. All the while I clung to a masochistic hope that if I could just love her enough, this flaming rage inside her would run out of fuel and die out. Then I met her first husband, who sported a vicious-looking scar on his chest. 345


“What the hell happened there?” I asked him. “Oh, the scar? That’s where she stabbed me.”

Whoa. I finally bailed out, and when I related the facts in the case to a friend, he said “Let me guess, she was abused before, right?” “Not by me, but yeah, so she claims.” I said. “Sounds like she’s trying to get you to abuse her,” he said. “What?! That’s crazy! What the hell for?!” “Think about it. She’s been abused. She thinks men are abusive by nature; it’s what she’s used to. She won’t relax until she’s back to what she’s used to: being abused.” It was the most tragic case of baggage that I’ve ever experienced, and it’s given me some baggage of my own: I’d need the Chinese Water Torture to co-sign a lease with anyone for a while. I’m sure we’ve all got some residual damage from somewhere or someone. It’s rational to take steps to learn from it and not let it happen to us again; it’s irrational to let that baggage dominate our lives. If you can, check your bags at the door when entering a new relationship. Say to yourself, “This is a new relationship with a new woman; she’s a human being, all human beings are different individuals. I’m not going to pre-judge her; I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt.” This can be extremely difficult to do, be advised. There probably isn’t a man on earth who hasn’t said at least once: “Women are (insert generalization here)!” But do it anyway. Try. You might be glad you did. And for cases of Extremely bad baggage, you may wish to forgo relationships altogether for a while, until you’ve had some quiet time to yourself, or perhaps a bit of counseling.

Complication #2: Infidelity I’ve discussed this initially back in the Polyamory chapter, and the “Inter-lewd” on cheating. A lot of guys have a weird double-standard 346

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on cheating: they can be married, step out and get oral sex from a hooker & since it’s not ‘normal’ sex, they’re morally OK. On the other hand, if their wife looks at another guy, she’s cheating. I believe that everyone has their own qualifications for infidelity. Most people think any sex act outside of their committed relationship would be infidelity. Some of the more devout among us stand by Christ’s admonition that “He who looks on a woman with lust in his heart, has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Since we’re biologically motivated to do this seven or more times a day, let’s hope Our Savior was simply stating the facts and not damning us all.) I once heard a co-worker say “Any act of intimacy you wouldn’t feel comfortable watching your partner give someone else, should be what qualifies as infidelity for both of you.” I agree wholeheartedly. Infidelity seems to stem from three different causes:

Seduction: You’re the object of someone’s desire, or you just totally, utterly ‘fall’ for someone…in fact, they other person might not even want to seduce you; you’re just seduced by the possibility of being with them. Picture Kevin Spacey falling for Mena Suvari in American Beauty.

Stagnation: Your sex life or love life at home is slow, boring or nonexistent for whatever reason (you’ve tried every position in the world 500 times over, you or your wife is now shaped like a loaf of bread with hair, or you’re so familiar with each other that the very sight of each other bores you, etc.) or you somehow have to prove to yourself that you can still ‘get some’, regardless of your age.

Retaliation: Your significant other screwed your best friend, wrecked your car, blew all your rent money on crack, whatever…it’s payback time! (Women seem particularly apt at this one, so if you step out on your girl and get caught, don’t be surprised if she gets her freak on with lightning speed afterwards.) 347


Yet whatever the cause, Infidelity is inexcusable, really. You can always break up with someone rationally and honestly, and then start seeing other people (unless you’re married, of course). You can always rejuvenate a stagnant relationship. You can always rise above your compulsion for revenge. In fact, if you’re married, you’d better find a way to resist the snares of infidelity, unless you enjoy giving away little things like houses, children, cars and income. One way to resist ‘Seduction’ infidelity is to think it through. Don’t just envision one hot night of wild abandon, envision the entire affair

and all of its possible consequences. Note how Stagnation and Seduction go hand in hand: you flirt, fight, court, flatter and race barefoot over broken glass to get the woman of your dreams, and finally she becomes your girlfriend, AllRight! Then some time goes by; you realize she’s not a supernatural love-goddess but an actual (gasp!) human being, you know every inch of her inside and out, the sex is regular, she’s got a few habits that get on your nerves but you’ve got some that get on hers, some more time goes by and you decide she’s not the woman of your dreams; the blonde storm trooper-in-stilettos that moved into apartment 36DD down the hall obviously is. Immediately you start fantasizing about the blonde: Ahhh, her svelte leg, her superbly ample thigh…which is ironically exactly what

you did when you first saw your current girlfriend! Let’s say you get the urge to scratch an itch with this blonde. First, have a chat with yourself. Ask yourself what this girl has that your girlfriend doesn’t. What is it? You don’t know the new girl (Biblically, yet), so you can’t assume she’ll know 1001 sex-tricks that your girlfriend doesn’t. You can safely assume that her vagina doesn’t shoot sparks, cure cancer or do anything your girlfriend’s vagina can’t. If it’s something physical…and it probably is…tell yourself so

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She’s got longer hair than your girlfriend? So what? She’s got a smaller butt? So what? She’s sold a million albums and your girlfriend hasn’t? So what? You haven’t invested any time, trust, or passion in this new girl. The new girl isn’t waiting for you at home. The new girl doesn’t know how you like to be touched. The new girl might not make lasagna as good as your girlfriend. The new girl might not take you to a hospital if you’re hurt, or bail you out of jail. The new girl might not like your taste in friends, clothes, music or films. The new girl might not swallow, or perform oral sex at all. The new girl might not even like

you! The new girl might, however, have a job she’s going to take overseas next week, or a criminal background, a fiendish drug habit, a gambling problem, a horrid illness, a peculiar form of insanity, or a psychotic ex who’s getting out on parole next week. To find out, you’ve got to get to know her, requiring all the courting it took to win your current girlfriend, which of course means crossing the line, and cheating…you might get a one-night stand with her, but you cannot be sure you can get the new before you lose the old. First of all, certain women are experts in leading men to water and not letting them drink. I’ve had girls promise me a thousand and one earthly delights and then gravitate to another guy moments later. We’ll discuss these strange creatures in due time. Secondly, a woman almost always finds out about it when you cheat on her. You can have an Oscar-winning cover story, you can fuck the other woman on the dark side of the Moon to ensure privacy, but once you get back together with your original girl things just aren’t the same. You’re guilty and secretive, and it doesn’t take long for her to put two and two together. So, continuing this chat with yourself, ask yourself what would happen when (not If) I got caught? What indeed? Would you get dumped? Would she race out and have sex with all of your friends? Would you wake up with one of your kidneys removed? Would she set 349


your car on fire? Would you still be able to keep the girl you cheated on her with? Would both girls attack each other with knitting needles? Would the bloody victor scream to every girl in town what a traitorous Sonofabitch you are? Would any of these results be really worth it?

Think through the affair before you have it. If you’ve thought it through and you’re still head over heels for this new girl and are convinced you can’t live without her, it’s infinitely better to tell your current girl “I think we should take a break for a while, give each other some space, start seeing other people for a while.” Presto, you’ve broken up (at least temporarily), you can see anyone you want, you’re not cheating, you’ve got the moral high ground. There is no guarantee you will be able to get your old girlfriend back afterwards, but there is a chance you will be able to, and that chance is better than simply cheating, getting busted and never being able to get your old girlfriend back at all. The chance grows exponentially larger if you’ve been with your old girlfriend for a long time, treated her very well and given her hundreds of raging orgasms. One way to resist ‘Stagnation’ Infidelity is to nip it in the bud; simply don’t let your relationship stagnate and don’t let the passion cool. Follow the guidelines in our previous The Relationship chapter and you should be all right. Some more helpful hints: 1. Surround your place (and hers) with photos of the two of you. 2. Stay in your best physical shape. 3. Keep the sex constant & exciting. 4. Keep a mental ‘slideshow’ going of the best times you’ve had with her, and whenever you like, ask her “Remember when we (insert fun time here)?” to keep it fresh in her mind. 5. Deal with arguments & disagreements immediately, don’t ‘sweep them under the rug’ and let them become grudges. 350

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Hang on, there’s a question from the back…Yes?

Ahhh…ummm…there’s no easy way to say this… Then say it the hard way.

Ummmm, okay…what can ya do if she starts lettin’ herself slide and gets really fat? Ah, excellent point, and a surefire passion-killer if there ever was one. This problem seems more prevalent in married couples than in boyfriend-girlfriend couples, so first of all: Before you get married,

know what body type your woman has, and make sure you can accept it. Endomorphs, who are naturally rotund, can make attempts at weight loss, but there’s no guarantee they’ll become thin and stay that way forever…it’s kind of like changing their skin color. Mesomorphs, natural athletes, only get fat if they stop exercising. Ectomorphs will probably stay thin unless they eat inconceivable amounts of protein and never move at all. So if your girl’s got ‘just a wee bit of baby fat’ when you start going out with her, don’t expect her to magically turn into a Barbie doll later on in the relationship. Next, say your girlfriend is getting complacent (and fat). It is indeed depressing if she sits on your face and you can’t hear the stereo. Before confronting her—a step you might need body armor for—take some actions: 1. For gifts, get her anything but candy or liquor. 2. Eliminate any restaurant dinner dates, replacing them with candlelight dinners that you cook for her (which will be ‘Lean Cuisine’ served on fancy plates). Also, ditch the alcohol. 3. Switch the above dates to physical dates, such as bowling, dancing, sports, long walks, anything at all except eating. 4. Buy her gifts of clothing in the size she was when you met her. If she says “These don’t fit”, say “Those were the sizes you told me you were.” 5. If you find any high-fat snacks in her house, eat them yourself (diabolical, yet helpful…and if you manage to do it secretly, 351


she’ll think she ate them all herself, and have an epiphany.) 6. Make excuses to lift her for any reason (carrying her to bed, etc.) and breathe very heavily afterwards; moan if you have to. 7. After spending a night at her place, start the next morning with calisthenics or jogging, inviting her to join you. 8. Have sex with her as much as possible, as it does burn some calories. 9. Point out fat guys in films or TV shows and ask “Honey, would you still go out with me if I looked like that?” Used in combination, these little stratagems should not only start her thinking about weight loss, they ought to shave a few pounds off of her on their own. If she starts dieting and exercising, you can ease back with a sigh of relief. If after all this she still slouches on the couch chowing bon-bons, strap on the body armor, because you’ll need to say “Sweetheart, I hate to criticize anyone, but you’re really letting yourself slide, physically. It’s unhealthy, it’s unattractive, and it’s kind of like saying you don’t care what I think or feel.” (which are all true.) She might burst into flames of anger here, as this is a highly sensitive subject…but you’ve already tried subterfuge, so it’s got to be your way or the highway. Stick to your guns. If she starts reading a shopping list of excuses, here are some counters: “I work too hard as it is!” (It’s only going to get harder with extra weight to carry around.) “I don’t have time to exercise!” (You don’t have time because your body is not operating at its proper capacity. You’re actually losing time by not exercising.) “My friends/family/coworkers say I look great!” (They’re not having sex with you.). Good luck. Hopefully she’ll see the light and get back in shape. If not, well, nobody blamed anyone for trying to get off of the Titanic when it was sinking. 352

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To resist Retaliation Infidelity, just realize it’s counterproductive. If she’s done something horribly bad, then your screwing somebody else is hardly going to improve the situation. In fact, if all you do is screw somebody else to get even with her, instead of facing the issue—and she doesn’t know about it—she might think “Well, I guess he’s not that hurt, he’s not even discussing it.” If you screw somebody else to get even and she does know about it, she might turn around and screw three other guys to ‘retaliate’ for your retaliation! Actually, that ‘three other guys’ scenario is a bit tame compared to some of the horror stories I’ve heard. One in particular still turns my stomach. This guy with a girlfriend said he couldn’t go out with her one night as he was ill with a cold. She said she understood, and had taped a particular episode of ‘The Simpsons’ (his favorite show) for him, and had baked some cookies for him, and could she come over? He said sure. She came over, fed him her home-baked cookies by hand as they watched her Simpsons tape together. Right near the end of the video, the Simpsons show was replaced by a ‘home movie’ of her blowing another guy, letting him ejaculate in her mouth, then her spitting his semen into a mixing bowl containing her cookie dough. She then said “By the way: we’re through.” And left, presumably in a big hurry. Just so this doesn’t happen to you, it’s in your best interest to resist Retaliation Infidelity. Don’t screw around behind her back when she does something wrong; fix the problem. If she does something wrong, it’s a lot better to confront her with it immediately. If you’re in public, tell everyone else “Excuse us for a minute”, and take her aside where you can talk privately (this is from the military: ‘praise in public, criticize in private’). Tell her “Look, that was wrong, that hurt, this is why. We’ll go into details later, but I need you to know right now that that really bothers me, so please don’t do it again, okay? Nod if you understand.” If you’re not in public, you can of course go into all the details right then and there. This also assumes you want to keep her; if so, 353


remember to forgive her afterwards—both out loud to her, and in your mind. Now for the horrid flip-side of Infidelity… If a woman cheats on you, you would probably just dump her, which is your perfect right. That’s if you even find out about it; most times you simply stop hearing from her, and good bloody riddance. That’s actually neat, cut-and-dried closure for a relationship that wasn’t in your best interest anyway. The problem is when she’s playing both sides of the fence; she wants you, and she wants her back door man. In this case, you can dump her as above, you can also forgive her and keep on truckin’ as if it never happened, and God bless you if you’re that cool. Optionally, you can tell her “Well, if you’re going to screw A, then I’m going to screw E, I, O and you, and sometimes Y. Don’t like it? Hit the road.” Actually, that last option sounds like a pretty cool relationship, as long as everyone involved is disease-free. You might as well invite all your partners over and have an orgy.

But how do you KNOW if she’s cheating? First of all, her schedule gets weird. You can’t see her as often as you initially could; she’s always going out of town for this or that, or she’s going out on the town with her girlfriends (no, she doesn’t know where exactly, don’t wait up). She may even start a new ‘parttime job’ which is way on the other side of town, but she’s got no additional money to show for it. Secondly, her friends get weird…around you. Their conversations stop as soon as you’re within earshot; they giggle around you; one or more of them who are conscientious looks at you rather sadly from time to time. Third, her desire for sex seems to be just a tad lower than it initially was. When she wants it, it’s cool. When you want it, a lot of times she’ll say “I’m too tired.” (To which I’d reply “Wow, you’re too tired to lie on your back for an hour? That’s gotta be some special kind of tired.”) If you live together, you might get a lot of calls which are hang354

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ups when you answer the phone. If she answers the phone, loudly announces “Oh…uh, uhhh….Cheryl! Hi…” and takes the phone into the other room, or if her side of the conversation seems forced or awkward, I’d get a tad curious but I wouldn’t necessarily turn into Columbo just over that. I would, however, try the old count-how-many-unused-condomsare-left-in-the-nightstand trick. If a few of them turned up missing between slam-fests, I’d inquire about what happened to them. If you’re suspicious and rich, you can visit one of the fast-growing ‘spy stores’ spreading across America, there’s probably one near you by now. They’ve got discreet ‘spy-cams’ stashed in everything from clocks to teddy bears. If you need any high-tech item for bedroom surveillance to catch her in the act, rest assured the paranoid proprietor will hook you up. Some more brazen girls will have a guy they claim is “just a friend”. This is tricky as that is her perfect right. If it’s someone you both know, you ought to have no problem double-dating. If it’s somebody you don’t know, tell her to set up a double date. If he’s decent-looking and employed but doesn’t have a girlfriend, ask your girlfriend why. If she asks your permission to see the guy (for whatever platonic reason) AND tells you where, when and why, you ought to be fairly secure. For example, Kelly said one of her college friends was coming to town briefly, asked if I wanted to meet him, I said sure if I wasn’t working. Turned out I was working on the day he arrived; she asked if it was okay to take him to one of the Disney parks. I mulled it over: the guy was from out of state, she hadn’t seen him in years, she claimed they’d always been platonic, and I’d come off looking like a jealous tyrant if I said no. So I said okay. She brought him by my workplace and introduced him afterwards, and I saw he was no threat. He left the next day and everything was cool. A few weeks later, we went out on a three-way date when one of my platonic female friends came to town, and everything was cool once again. 355


If she takes off on a whim, doesn’t say where and comes back five hours later saying “I was with Steve, he needed a shoulder to cry on…”, that’s not only suspicious but inconsiderate. Ditto if she says “I was too drunk to drive, so Steve let me stay at his place”, since she

could have called you for a ride, but didn’t, and since ‘Steve’, being ‘just a friend’ should have driven her home (and not to his home). For another example, when I was dating Robin, we had a mutual co-worker named Troy, who was very likeable. I often saw them talking together before and after work and thought nothing of it. One day, when it was mine and Robin’s and Troy’s day off, I tried to get her on the phone to take her out, and I couldn’t get her on the phone all day. So that night I went out alone to a nightclub that virtually every Disney employee went to and partied with the rest of my coworkers. Later that night, Troy came in and said “Ken! What up! Hey, Robin’s here, lookin’ for you…” I said “Oh, cool.” He left, and a few minutes later Robin flounced up to me, all lovey-dovey, her faced flushed and seemingly drunk. She had an immense air of satisfaction about her, and wanted to dance the night away but didn’t want to have sex (which was strange, for Robin). Something seemed strange about the whole scene, but as I was buzzing too I eventually dismissed it. Some months later, Robin went back to New York and hooked up with an earlier boyfriend again. Then years later, we met each other again in Orlando. I asked her where exactly we’d gone wrong. She said “I was just always so afraid to get close to you, I was afraid I’d lose you, I was afraid you’d cheat on me.” I said “Well, that doesn’t make a lot of sense, since you cheated on me first, with Troy.” She gaped at me. “How did you know about that?” I looked at her sadly. “I didn’t. Now I do.” And I left. You will need to draw a line in the sand for yourself for what is appropriate and what isn’t. But a true, faithful girlfriend would want to spend most of her free time with you, not some guy who’s ‘just a 356

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friend’. If she keeps asking if it’s okay to spend time with her ‘friend’, you’re well within your rights to ask her why she needs to see him

instead of you. You can always forbid her to stop seeing the guy, but that sometimes backfires. Some girls will think “He can’t tell me what to do!” If your girl is one of them, you’ve got to lay down the law. Tell her “Go ahead and see him. Just don’t come back.” Some girls will just fail to understand what the problem is, since he’s ‘just a friend’. If your girl is one of them, take off to a strip club & buy lap dances until you reek of seven different perfumes. Come home with a three-mile smile. When she asks where you were, say you were with Amber, Barbie and Candy…but it’s okay since they’re ‘just friends’.

Complication #3 Unwanted Pregnancy First of all, you won’t have to read this part if you and your girlfriend both use birth control. This can mean that you use a condom and she uses the Pill, Norplant, an IUD or a diaphragm. The Pill has a high safety rating, but it’s not 100% perfect, so a combination of birth control techniques is paramount. I’m amazed by the number of women I’ve slid into without a condom, and they don’t say a damned thing, like they’ve got some magical talisman to ward off sperm or something! I know if I was a girl, I’d make the guy wear two rubbers. And by the way, the “Amtrak” method of birth control (“pulling out on time”) does NOT work. You may very well disengage before orgasm, but you’ve already inserted quite a few drops of ‘pre-come’ in her. You can’t feel those drops, but they emerge well before your orgasm, and each one contains a few thousand sperm. Let’s assume the unthinkable has happened. You do have options. Sad and desperate options, but options. Or, rather, she has options. You can pitch your particular favorite, but she’s got to agree. What else are you going to do, keep her chained up for nine months? (KEEP HER CHAINED UP FOR NINE MONTHS…Hmmm…wait a 357


minute, I think I’ve got a new novel going here…) On two occasions, my ‘chickens came home to roost’, so to speak. Both times I offered: “Let me support you until you can have the baby and we’ll give it up for adoption.” I’ve been shot down both times, in favor of abortion. Arrrgghh. Well, God, you can’t say I didn’t try. There’s marriage, adoption, abortion, or one of you keeping and raising the child. You already know my particular thoughts on marriage, but once again, it doesn’t mean marriage is bad. One survey showed that married men were happier than their single counterparts, and lived longer. A marriage based on an unwanted pregnancy might not be anyone’s dream, but it’s noble by society’s standards, and you liked each other enough to have sex, so there’s got to be some foundation you can build a life around. Since you’re ‘doing the right thing’, you should have the support of your mutual families, unless they’re incredibly vengeful and dysfunctional. I think adoption is a decent, righteous choice: the child lives, and is raised by a couple that truly want children but can't have them. Your girlfriend goes through nine months of stress instead of nineteen years of stress. Everybody wins, right? Well as I’ve said earlier, this is a really tough sell. A prenatal bond forms between the mother and the child, and finally the thought of giving up the child is a soul-crushing nightmare. There can also be an emotional/psychological backlash on the child if and when they discover they’ve been adopted, and some adopted children have tracked down their biological parents and demanded to know why they weren’t wanted. If it happens, you can say “We weren’t prepared for you then, but someone else was.” And you’ve still got the moral high ground because the child is alive due to your decision. Abortion is…well, abortion. Feel free to read all about it, although you probably won’t want to. Women can only have abortions up to a certain point (the point where the fetus stops looking like brine shrimp and starts looking human)…although there’s a new 358

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‘technique’ called ‘partial-birth’ abortion, but that’s so close to an induced stillbirth you might as well cut out the middleman and do it yourself, if you can live with yourself afterwards. It’s unfortunate, but men don’t really have a say in abortion. If your woman wants to have an abortion and you don’t, what can you do, lock her in your room for nine months? I don’t believe any woman jumps for joy at the thought of having an abortion, but as it is legal, safe and ultimately convenient (yes, it is more convenient not to have a child than have one), I can see where many of them take that choice. I can neither condone it nor approve; it’s out of my hands, and it probably won’t be in your hands either. Personally, I think it would at least be cool of you to at least suggest the adoption alternative if your girl is thinking about abortion. Supporting her during the months of pregnancy shouldn’t be overwhelmingly difficult; all you have to do is let her move in with you, and you’re going to have to pay rent anyway. If she’s working, she can keep working through at least five months of pregnancy— and it’s illegal to fire women just for being pregnant. One of my female co-workers kept working up until ONE month before delivery…of course, she was waiting tables, not pouring concrete. If abortion is a joint decision on both your parts (I’d need more than one joint to make this decision), remember that your woman needs love, compassion and reassurance before and after. If you want her to have the abortion, set it up and pay for the whole thing, and transport her there and back. If it’s a mutual decision, pay for half of it and help her through it (if she’s strapped, pay for the whole thing). If she wants it and you don’t, give her transportation there and back, and try not to judge her too harshly, since it was your Fallopian Swim Team that brought her to this decision. You’ll have more than enough chances to father more children in the future. Unless she wants the abortion and you don’t, if you bail out on a woman you’ve impregnated, you’re officially Scum Of The Earth, and I hope your cancelled child gets reincarnated into a tiger shark 359


cruising your favorite beach. Keeping and raising the child individually can be done, as shown by the staggering number of single mothers in the country…and if women can do it, so can you! In fact, although single mothers are often given a wide berth by single men, single fathers are actually considered ‘good catches’ by single women! Think about it: you’re noble (you kept a kid instead of foisting him or her off on their mom), you’re responsible (you have to be, if the kid is still alive), you’ve got the cutest conversation piece in the world, you’ve got an ‘instant family’ if she wants to join you, she can ooh and ahh over a child without going through the trauma of labor, and you can obviously get it up. So if you’re a single father, not only are you eligible for Sainthood in my book, you probably won’t stay single for long. Good luck!

Complication #4: Venereal Diseases These come with the territory, I’m sorry to say. Condoms eliminate most of the risks, not all of them. The only true escape from all venereal diseases is not to have sex. Wheel of fortune, take your chances… When you’re between relationships, it’s a good idea to get a check-up, just to be on the safe side. When you get a clean bill of health, get it in writing and keep it handy, so if a girl ever says "Hey, you gave me something!” just break out your papers and say “Did I, now?” If you don’t get a clean bill of health, you can get cured before meeting a new partner (luckily, there are only two incurable venereal diseases…that’s two too many, I think, but at least most are curable).

Chlamydia: This is getting as common as a Cold; it’s the most common venereal disease in America (4 million new cases a year), and you might not even know you had it. Men are carriers for this 360

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disease but are basically unharmed by it…there’s slight pain during urination and/or a small amount of discharge (white or clear, thin or puss like) from the penis. Women, however, can be rendered sterile by it, or get tubal pregnancies, or PID (pelvic inflammatory disease). It’s easily whacked by antibiotics…however, the test for Chlamydia is a sadistic procedure called a ‘urethral swab’. You know that hole in your dick where you pass water? A grim nurse puts a Qtip on the end of a hypodermic and shoves it inside there and uses it for a pap smear. I was tested for this once; there was a metal goosenecked lamp next to my examination table and I almost bit right through it to override the pain. Hopefully by now there’s a kinder, gentler exam, because you’d almost want to stick with the disease than get a urethral swab.

Syphilis: “It all started with a little kiss, now it’s getting hard to take a piss…” All kidding aside, this age-old scourge is becoming less common, but it’s still out there. It starts with a hard, red, painless pimple around your sex organs (so avoid sex partners with hard red pimples in that area), which goes away in three to six weeks. However, after that an infectious skin rash covers the palms, soles of your feet, underarms or your whole body. Flu like symptoms develop. These symptoms can last up to two years, and you remain highly infectious the whole time. At this point the disease can still be beaten by benzathine, penicillin or other antibiotics. After these two stages, the disease seems to go away, but doesn’t…some people can go forty years not knowing they still have it (infecting other sex partners all the while, of course). Then, blam: loss of bladder control, blindness, insanity and/or death. The bacteria that causes syphilis is highly fragile outside the body, so you really can’t ‘get it from a toilet seat’. If you do get it, though, you’re in good company: President Woodrow Wilson, King Henry VIII, Beethoven, Christopher Columbus, Napoleon, General George Custer, Mussolini and Hitler all had syphilis…but you’re better off 361


than all of them, because in their day it was ‘treated’ with arsenic, mercury or deliberate infections of malaria.

Gonorrhea: Q: What’s green and gray and eats nuts? A: This freakin’ horror. Gonorrhea doesn’t actually eat your nuts, it just feels that way, and makes you feel like you’re urinating acid. Left unchecked, it attacks the urethra, joints, heart or brain, and it can sterilize women or make their babies blind. Gonorrhea starts with a creamy, gray-green discharge, and then all hell breaks loose…although 20 to 40 percent of men report no symptoms at all. It can be treated and cured with powerful antibiotics, thank God. Herpes: It isn’t fatal, but it’s incurable, widespread (30 million Americans have it, and twenty million of those people don’t even know they have it) and no fun at all. There are two types of this virus: Type One causes cold sores around the mouth; Type Two causes painful blisters in the genital area, and is passed along via sex. However, oral sex can put one down below or the other up top. The virus causes outbreaks of sores, fever, headaches, muscle aches and/or painful urination lasting a week or more, until the blisters burst, scab up and fall off, and then the victim looks and feels normal until the next outbreak. It can still be transmitted between outbreaks, though. There is no cure for herpes yet, but there is a prescription drug called Zovirax which dramatically reduces the frequency and severity of outbreaks Aids (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome): This started out as a disease and has now become a plague, becoming the leading cause of death for all Americans between the ages of 25 to 44 in 1995, according to the CDC (Center for Disease Control). The HIV virus infiltrates the body’s immune system and compromises it, leaving the victim susceptible to every lesser chump362

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change microorganism that the immune system would normally snuff out in a day or so. In addition, HIV infection includes symptoms of weight loss, fatigue, swollen lymph nodes, loss of appetite, rashes, sore throat, night sweats, chills, fever, abdominal pains and severe diarrhea. It can take ten years from HIV infection to become ARC (AIDSRelated Complex) and then full-blown AIDS, and in that time the infected person might not even know they have it, but are infecting sex partners left and right in the meantime. HIV is almost always transmitted through the exchange of bodily fluids during sex—blood, vaginal secretions or semen. Condoms obviously chop down the risk of infection a great deal, but aren’t foolproof. If you ever get a cut or scrape in or around your mouth, sex organs or mucous membranes, you should hold off on sex until it heals. Heterosexual women are still a low-risk group, but they’re still a risk group. Right now, we’re all a risk group, unfortunately. So you’d be well within your rights to ask for a physical examination of any prospective lover before sleeping with them, and they should be able to ask the same of you. There is no known cure for AIDS—and with my slightly jaundiced view of the medical community, there probably won’t be one for quite some time—although there are various treatments available. And right now, people seem slightly more resistant to AIDS and are living longer with the disease. If your prospective woman hangs out with a lot of swishy guys, has Kaposi’s sarcoma (dark skin cancers), needle marks, is skeletally thin, coughs a lot, etc., you might want to pass her by. Wear a condom in any event.

Genital Warts: These aren’t fatal, and aren’t even painful, but what a freakin’ eyesore! These are caused by a slow-moving but highly contagious virus, transmitted by touch. Unfortunately, in women they can be located 363


deep inside the vagina where you can’t see them, and so they might not even know they have them. However, once they get on you, they’ll probably camp out right on your shaft where a woman can see them easily and then flee in panic. You will need to see a doctor pretty damned fast, because A) they might not even be warts, they might be ‘skin tags’ which are just weird flaps of skin, B) you can transmit them anywhere by touching them and then touching something/someone else, and C) they can start spreading, making your man-meat looking like a special effect from The Exorcist. The warts themselves can be burned off with topical medications such as trichloracetic acid (Yow!), frozen off, or removed by lasers. However, the wart-causing virus itself can’t be cured (yet), leaving you vulnerable for more warts later on, and in many cases the wartremoval procedures leave some nasty residual scarring… (Did you buy those condoms yet, tough guy?)

Crabs: Silly little Velcro-coated lice that jump onto you from virtually anywhere, from toilet seats to clothes to blankets to sex partners. Then they latch onto your skin and hair and breed like rabbits on ecstasy. Crab lice are more of an itching irritant than anything else, but they’re so common you’ll probably get a batch of your own one day. Since you can get them anywhere, if you pass them to a loved one you can always say “I must’ve gotten them from a public toilet, honey.” They’re quite hard to see, but they can be seen with the naked eye. You’ll probably feel them before you see them. Fortunately there’s a moderately priced shampoo called “A” 200 that sends them shrieking off of you, but it’s also virtually the only thing that works. Then you have carefully comb your pubic hair to get rid of their nits (eggs), then hot-launder all of your sheets, blankets, pillows and clothes, then use a germicidal tick spray on your whole house. “A” 200 and the tick spray are usually available at your local 364

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pharmacy. Me, I just train them to fetch my pipe and slippers…Just kidding.

Note! I’m not a Doctor! If you want more or better information on these or other diseases or others, look it the hell up at your local library, or on the Internet, or better yet, ask you local physician. I’ve researched the prior information through Men's Health books and magazines, and most of that information is common knowledge, but new improvements and findings are being made in medicine all the time. So feel free to get second and third opinions. Again, I’m not a doctor! (“Really, K.K.? I thought you were one of the most brilliant neurosurgeons known to man…” Gee thanks!) Complication #5: Flaws “Man, she’d be SO GREAT if she didn’t drive off cliffs/have that kid/listen to Korn/smoke crack/practice witchcraft/have that dimple on her chin/insert flaw here.” Wow, I’ve never heard this before, have you? A flaw is the one thing that prevents your girl from being a ‘keeper’, the one thing you can’t stand about her. If you start a relationship with a girl and everything’s wonderful except blank, logic should tell you to examine this blank and see if it’s really any consequence at all. If she’s a great friend, lover and helpmate but has a laugh that sounds like a duck call and you want to rip out your eardrums instead of listen to it, tenderly tell her what effect her laugh has on you, then ‘tune out’ the laugh and concentrate on friend/lover/helpmate part. A while back I met a beautiful girl who was a single mother. She was sexy, eager to please, had a great sense of humor, etc., but she lived rather far away. When I met her, her car was in need of extensive repairs, so I did all the driving, and over the course of the relationship I gradually got perturbed over having to drive so much, 365


and after I factored in the child (even though her kid was relatively cute & cool), I ultimately dismissed her. I still kick myself over that particular flaw because at the time I had a spare room in my apartment and could have easily moved her and her child in with me, but it never entered my mind. When you get irritated at a flaw, ask yourself some questions: 1. Would this thing annoy most other people, or just me? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? 2. Is this a mistake she keeps making, or is it a personality trait she doesn’t even think is wrong? 3. Have I told her (gently) that this bothers me? 4. Is it something she can even fix or control? 5. Is it just something she likes but I don’t? If she does something that really annoys you, but only a great once in a while, it’s probably a mistake, and you should forgive her & forget it. If it’s a personality trait (something she keeps doing again and again seemingly out of habit), determine if it’s unhealthy or dangerous (alcoholism, overeating, kleptomania, etc.). The reason she keeps it up is because her brain gets a neuro-chemical reward from it (either energy or relaxation). She’d need to replace the reward she gets from this behavior; this can be altered by diet, exercise, faith and counseling. If it’s something she likes and you don’t (cats, a really horrible band, poetry readings, Nascar, cliff diving), then it’s not a flaw but a difference of opinion. You can simply let her get her fill of it on her own time while not participating in it. For example, my current squeeze has a dog I can’t stand, but I just grin and bear it when I’m over her place. Most importantly, whatever she likes that you don’t, just let her know once. Don’t snarl & growl about it every time you see her, or you may soon find yourself dating Rosie Palm Chances are, you’ve got some happy diversion that she can’t stand, either. So optionally, once a month, have a ‘Green Eggs & Ham 366

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Night’, where you listen to her band or go to her poetry reading or walk & wash her dog, while the next night she indulges in your vice. There are of course mistakes, and then there are flat-out obnoxious acts that you’d probably get into a fistfight with any of your male friends for doing, and then there are things that she might think are fine & dandy but are big red flags to you that say ‘This girl is not a keeper”. One girl, on our second date, said “Oh, I got us some party favors…some bottles of wine and a few grams of coke…but I got all stressed out and ended up doing ‘em all myself last night, sorry.” (Ohhh—kayyyy…excuse me, I left something in my car…my better judgment.) One of my best friends was introduced by his then-wife to a dinner party of Ph.D.’s as being “Just a waiter.” (Oh, really? Then here’s your check, darling. Pay up.) I and a co-worker were making some deliveries to an apartment complex where my girlfriend lived. The customer wasn’t home when we arrived and it was a hundred and twenty degrees out (Viva Las Vegas!), so I told my buddy “Hey, my girlfriend lives over there, let’s stop over, chill at her place, get some water and call the shop.” He said “Sure, anything to get out of the heat.” My girlfriend answered the door “Hiya.” “Hiya, honey…this is Chris. Hey, we’re supposed to make a delivery here, but the people aren’t home yet. Can we come in and cool off for a while?” “No.” “NO?” (We’d been going out for nearly a year!) “No, I just got up, the place is a mess…” “Well, can I at least use the bathroom?” (Tired sigh) “Oh, well, go ahead, I guess.” I used the bathroom (and also saw that nobody else was there, which I was suspicious of), curtly said thanks, and left. When Chris and I got back in the baking truck, I said “Well, that used to be my girlfriend.” 367


“No shit.” He said, feeling a tenth as dissed as I was. (She called much later—I sure as hell wasn’t going to call her— and said “I haven’t heard from you, I wish you’d call, I don’t want it to end like this…” and I detonated. “Well, you should have thought

of that before you treated me like some fucking door-to-door salesman!!!” She tried to explain her position; I wasn’t having any of it and I hung up. Later on we ‘kind of’ made up; I’d let her come over to have sex but I refused to do anything else with her.) One man wrote in a letter that he’d taken a girl out to the opera for a second date; it’d taken a pretty penny but he’d wanted to impress her. A little while into it, he asked her if she’d ever been to the opera before. She said, “Yes, only in much better seats.” He walked her home afterwards, said good night, never called her again. My hat’s off to him for walking her home and saying good night. Bear in mind, for every one ‘flaw’ we find in our women, she probably has two she’s found in us. (To be fair, I’ve screwed up hideously in the past and done things that’ve made women drop me like a chunk of plutonium. Hopefully you haven’t.) Therefore, one cool way to get rid of flaws is what I call a Compromise Competition: Say she drinks like a Russian sailor, while you smoke like a fouralarm fire. She can’t stand your smoking; you can’t stand her drinking. Offer to quit smoking if she’ll quit drinking, then make a competition out of it: the first one who relapses owes the other one a week’s worth of housework, or does all the cooking for a week. Take the money you’d normally spend on your vices and give it to your ‘competitor’ for safekeeping. For each week of success, give each other a prize. Set a one or three month-goal with a bigger prize for each other. But instead of sabotaging each other (“Look, honey, my best friend got me this frosty six-pack! Too bad you can’t have any. I’m gonna go watch the game now.”) you support each other. She tells you all the cool ways your body is repairing itself while you’re 368

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smoke-free; you tell her how much younger & prettier she is when she’s sober. Presto: her flaw is gone, and one of yours is, too. Everybody wins! Of course, if you can’t overlook or reconcile the flaw, if she can’t or won’t change it, if it’s really tormenting you, you’re probably better off breaking up and finding someone new.

High Maintenance Women My experiences in Christianity have helped me not to generalize and to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. True, I get suckered from time to time, but I know where I’m headed after I blow a fuse in the nursing home. However, there are some women who are simply more trouble than they’re worth. Too bad they don’t have 3”x5” cards taped to their foreheads; you’d waste less time on them. If the fat kid with the bow sticks you with an arrow when you meet one of these women, you might theoretically make the relationship work…”Love conquers all”, that sort of thing. You could also theoretically wind up in a small, cozy white room writing home to mother in crayon. But you heard it here first.

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Valkyries

In Norse Mythology, Valkyries were ‘battle angels’ that watched over wars and selected the bravest Vikings to take to Valhalla (heaven) when they died in battle. In 2005, our new Valkyries are just as beautiful, but ten times as dangerous. Simply put, Valkyries are women who like to be fought over, or (even worse) like to start fights. The exact reason is uncertain. Some psychologists theorize that violence can be an aphrodisiac to some people. A lot of women are flattered by being fought over; it’s a “My Hero” type of thing. And certain women are certainly worth fighting for. What you’ve got to watch for are the women who talk trash to 369


other guys on a whim, then casually step behind you, her trusting, naive gladiator. “Are you gonna let him talk that way to me?!” She’ll growl in your ear. And it’ll never be a guy who’s your size, oh, no. Where’s the challenge in that? So you’ll charge into battle to defend her ‘honor’, not knowing that you’ll have to do it over and over again. Hopefully after a few black eyes, you’ll get a clue, and the next time she says “Are you gonna let him say that to me?” You’ll say “Yeah, but since I’m such a nice guy, I’ll give you a ride to the hospital after you get your ass kicked.” 2. Prostitutes One top-dog Hollywood producer was notorious for hiring prostitutes; when asked why a power-player like himself needed to pay for it, he said “I don’t pay them to come over, I pay them to leave.” What the hell? Pay a girl to leave? Why not just Tell a girl to leave, and pocket the difference? Charlie Sheen was also asked why he paid for ‘companionship’; he said something to the effect of “With a call girl, you can always just say “Let’s go, let’s do it.” (for the bargain price of a few thousand dollars, although I think Charlie got volume discounts.) Well, outside of Charlie’s social circle, with a call girl, you can always get killed, knocked out & robbed, infected with God knows what, arrested, jailed, listed in the police blotter, et bloody cetera. In the best-case scenario where none of the above occurs, you hopefully get an orgasm in exchange for a fee, and your hard-earned money goes towards supporting a drug habit or a pimp’s wardrobe. Even if you feel the need for ‘training’, or getting your ashes hauled, the only thing tight about a prostitute is her schedule, and their Show-me-the-money/get-it-over-with attitudes aren’t incredibly romantic. But lo! The most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen turns out to be a prostitute! So you decide to ‘save’ her! Here’s what you do: Chloroform her, get her in the car, drive her to the next state, be 370

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ready to shoot down her pimp when he tracks you down, wash her thoroughly, check her into detox and spend a few grand on gynecological bills. If she sticks around after all that, without lifting your wallet or cutting your throat, voila! You’re a hero, you’ve got a new girlfriend and probably a decent screenplay as well. Email me and we’ll set up a deal. Unless you’re looking for a menage-a-trois or some other variation that regular girls balk at…or you’re a damned good social worker or clergyman…avoid prostitutes like the plague. I also discourage courting strippers, who are actually worse than prostitutes. A prostitute will have sex with you for money. A stripper will look like she’ll have sex with you for money, but will scream blue murder if you actually touch her. (Of course, if you happen to hook up with an ‘off-duty’ stripper who actually wants a relationship instead of just your money, go wild, have fun, congratulations. Otherwise, if you meet her ‘at work’, buying her $100 champagne and buying 5 lap dances off of her can still get you nowhere.)

3.

Remoras

I referred to these earlier, but again, in scientific terms Remoras are tiny fish that cling to sharks and eat the scraps of their kills. They’re also women that other guys call ‘gold-diggers’, but that term makes it sound like they do actual work. In most relationships, you, the man, will unfortunately do most of the paying anyway (dates, dinners, gifts, etc.). Sorry, but that’s the way it is. The Remora, however, takes this concept to an atrocious level where she thinks men really do owe her a living. With a Remora, you will not only have to pay for everything, you’ll have to pay for things you shouldn’t have to, like her utility bills. (In an interview, director Michael Bay recounted being asked by a short-time girlfriend if he’d be so kind as to make the payments on her Mercedes for her! He asked her why, and she blithely said “Well, I’m sure you’ve got the money.” He replied with something to the effect of “That doesn’t make it yours.”) 371


Remoras normally look better than average women, which is why they can get sometimes get away with such ‘sextortion’. Fortunately for most of us, Remoras don’t stick around long after they find out you’re not a billionaire (pity the billionaires!)—but in the meantime they can take a lot out of you. A few clues she might be a Remora: A. You suggest a restaurant; she suggests a ‘better’ one. B. Her clothes and furnishings are top of the line, but she still needs more. C. She quits her job soon after meeting you. D. If you spend one weekend at home, she complains that ‘we never go anywhere’. E. She plans glamorous vacations for the two of you, although you’d rather go camping. F. She has a lot of ‘emergencies’ that require cash. G. If she’s not at home or at work, she’s shopping. Simply put: a woman should respect you for who you are, not for how much you can spend on her. All you have to do, you lucky dog, is show her something to respect. Remoras are easily ‘groomed off’ by saying “Sorry, my dear, I think I’ve spent enough on you for now.” 4. Complexwoman It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a hangnail, it’s a dead-end job, it’s always something, it’s Complexwoman! Sole survivor of the planet Born-2-Lose, Complexwoman has the superpowers to talk your ears into burned, smoldering cabbages, to cry over absolutely anything at the drop of a hat, and to force you to become her full-time unpaid therapist! Watch in awe as Complexwoman battles everybody else on the planet Earth (including you if you don’t agree with her at all times)! Quiver in suspense as you watch insignificant molehill problems become mountainous nightmares! Explode in rage ten weeks later when you realize all your efforts to ‘save’ Complexwoman are doomed! But be sure to watch the predictable sequel Complexwoman 2: The Problems Continue.. (Complexwoman 3: 372

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What the Hell is it now? Coming soon to a relationship near you!) Seen enough? I’ve seen that movie too. Let’s change the channel immediately, shall we? 5. Nymphomaniacs Most guys I know are praying to meet a nymphomaniac, and the reason I don’t pound them in the head with my shovel is because they’ll get pounded a lot harder by the real thing. Nymphomaniacs are not sexually liberated women, or women who simply enjoy a lot of sex. Nymphomaniacs are obsessed with sex; they use it to satisfy some inner emptiness the way a drug addict uses drugs. They make great one-night-stands, but terrifying relationships. Sure it’s tough to resist when they jump on you with all guns blazing, but you’ll get a wicked heartache when she leaves you just as fast for her next ‘target’. If she doesn’t leave you for her next target—if she’s convinced you’re Mr. SuperProng—I advise you to quit smoking, do a lot of exercises—no, scratch that, you won’t need to—and look up a good chiropractor. Best of luck! If it gets too painful, ship her to me c/o Rainforest Café, MGM Grand Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas NV and I’ll do my best to straighten her out for you. 6. Cockteasers As Poe wrote: “I blush, I burn, I shudder as I pen the damnable atrocity.” Same here, Ed. There’s a really hot place in Hell reserved for these ‘women’, ruled by a demon named Spike. In any event, a cockteaser is an expert in leading you to water but not letting you drink, promising the world’s hottest sex but breaking her word at the last minute. She either A) wants your attention but doesn’t know what she’s doing, or B) has a satanic grudge against men and knows exactly what she’s doing. Although type A is more pathetic than evil, neither of them deserve the time of day. First of all, if you’ve got your sex drive under control and are a supplier of sex and not a ‘demander’, cockteasers are no threat at all. They can say “You want to have sex with me?” and you can say “I 373


don’t know, are you any good?” You can even beat a cockteaser at her own game (rent the movie Wild At Heart and watch what Willem DaFoe does to Laura Dern), although it’s a cheap and petty game to play in the first place. It’s actually better to honestly help a cockteaser by explaining to them what they’re doing is wrong and dangerous. It’s said that nearly all rapes are about power, not sex, but I’m pretty sure that more than one rape (and possibly a battery or murder) was brought on by cockteasing. Also, explain to the teaser that their behavior is ruining their opportunities for sexual pleasure, and giving them a shoddy reputation as well. Then show them the door. Note, Note, Note! If you’re about to have sex with a girl and she says “I don’t think so!”—That’s a cocktease. If you’re about to have sex with a girl and she freezes up, bursts into tears or simply panics, then she’s probably been previously raped, assaulted or molested. She still wants & craves physical contact and romance, but she can only go so far before the past trauma returns to freak her out (normally about the time you start unzipping her jeans, when she desperately grabs your wrist). Unfortunately, I meet more and more of these traumatized women all the time, and so will you. The best thing to do (if you can keep from bursting into flames), is to take the high road and assure her that not all men are out to hurt her. Actually, this has happened to me so many times that I’ve written a script of what I need to say: “Okay, it’s apparent you won’t or can’t make love. That’s sad—actually moreso for you than for me—but it’s your prerogative. When you want to make love, just let me know…in fact, I won’t do anything remotely sexual with you unless you demand it. However, you’ll understand if I reserve the right to make love to anyone else I want to in the meantime…” Sometimes that last little condition ‘cures’ them right away! But seriously, a little patience and compassion goes a long way. If you’re only interested in having sex with this particular girl, write her off and send her home. If you want a deeper relationship, switch from lover 374

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to friend for a while until you can bring her out of that trauma…and if you do it, you’re not only a lover and a friend, but a hero. I patiently waited until a few traumatized women demanded that I make love to them, and it was a double turn-on: not only the sex, but getting to watch a beautiful woman enjoy her body again…it’s like watching a flower rise up and bloom after a long, cold winter. 7. Jailbait It seems that the older we men get, the more we treasure younger women. What’s the hottest ticket on the Internet today? Teens. Hot teens, oral teens, anal teens, ad infinitum, ad nauseum. As a sex researcher, I’m not exactly baffled by our furor over youth…we all appreciate beauty at its peak, but it’s been taken to a ridiculous level. In most of our relationships, our girlfriends wind up being 1-4 years younger than us anyway. No problem there, unless she’s 17 or under. That’s underage, and sleeping with her can result in statutory rape charges. You can have a video of her raping you, chaining you to a bed and climbing on top and forcing you to call her “Mommy”, but you can still be charged with statutory rape (that’s because it’s not even rape, it’s more like corruption of a minor). Personally, I’ve never met or heard of anyone being charged with statutory rape, but that doesn’t mean it can’t happen. The girl doesn’t even have to press charges, either: her parents can. If you’re hot for a girl who seems ‘on the young side’, but you can’t be sure about her age and she won’t tell you what it is, take her to a 21-and-over nightclub. If she says “Ummm, I forgot my ID”, she probably didn’t forget it. “But she’s different!” Some of you claim (Of course she’s different, she’s young). “She makes me feel alive!” (Yeah, I’d feel ‘alive’ too, with the law breathing down my neck.) “She loves me for who I am!” (Exactly! An Older Guy! You’re just as much a trophy to her as she is to you!) Just take a moment and ask yourself: “Am I seeing this girl Just because she’s younger?” Whatever your reply is…it’s not very fair to the girl to be used as an ‘arm piece’, unless of course she wants to be used as an arm piece. 375


Say you find out your girlfriend’s 17. You can always say “I think we should just be friends (ha!) until you’re eighteen.” And that’s fine. As is dating 18-year-olds…but I find that 18-year-olds bring little to the table beyond their prototype bodies. They normally still live with Mom & Dad (which can lead to some embarrassing meetings), may have no transportation or job, and can be sexually naive and immature. Of course, if you find an 18-year-old who lives on her own and doesn’t have these hang-ups, then go wild! You’ll have to take some pot-shots from your friends, your family, (possibly) the National Enquirer, etc. But so what? You’ve got an Eighteen-year-old! Treasure these moments. She’ll probably drive you to heart failure, but getting there is half the fun, I say… The only other thing I’ll add is that none of you better call my voicemail and say “Hey, K.K., Last night I had a ten-year-old with the body of an eight-year-old, it was great…” Get help somewhere, pal.

The Competition As I’ve mentioned earlier, one of my top opening lines is “Hey, did you break up with your boyfriend yet?” I’ll treasure it always. The answer is always a clear-cut yes or no, and is always delivered with a smile. Why? Because it’s flattering, and most women like to feel that men are interested in them, which we are. I know I am. Just as importantly, this particular come-on line can and will save you time, embarrassment and possibly hand-tohand combat. It is in your best interest to assume any worthwhile woman is already in a relationship! A great deal of the time they’re not! But find this out before some jealous Mafioso makes you some concrete socks! You never know what’ll happen. I used that line on one shapely new co-worker at Disney and she replied “No…and I won’t, either.” Hahahahaha. We were friction-burning my living-room carpet four days later. I normally don’t try to ‘poach’ girls who are in relationships, but it turned out her boyfriend was in New York, and 376

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was a selfish, abusive clod as well (He’d never even gone down on her! When I was about to, she had no freakin’ clue what I was up to). If you want to try and take a woman away from her current flame, it’s up to you. Personally, I would bide my time and wait for a legitimate opportunity…perhaps scoping out any eligible girlfriends she has in the meantime. Why? Simple. Picture yourself out with that girl, dancing, dining, partying, having a good time. Then out of nowhere, some guy hits on her. You’d get angry, wouldn’t you? The guy might be a total gentleman making a mistake, or a scum-of-the-earth just trying to piss you off and see what he can get. Either way, it’s no fun. So you wouldn’t want it to happen to you (and it will, and I’ll tell you how to deal with it momentarily), and what goes around comes around. If you’re hitting on a ‘taken’ woman, she will usually let you know in the first ten minutes of your conversation (if you get that far), with a nonchalant sentence such as “Yeah, my boyfriend told me that joke” or “My husband’s got a car like that too.” Such women are actually doing you a favor, when you think about it. If you’re hell-bent on chiseling your way between a girlfriend and a boyfriend, and you succeed, you’re not committing adultery although you are being kind of slimy, and it can end in fisticuffs (Still doing those exercises we discussed earlier? Good). Chiseling your way between a wife and husband is adultery, and can end in murder. ‘Nuff said. If you’ve fallen head over heels for a married or taken woman, I’m sorry. I‘ll appeal to whatever rational mind you have left and warn you that lightning can strike. Personally I feel that married women are off-limits but girlfriends aren’t necessarily out of the question, because a lot of girlfriends become ex-girlfriends quickly (especially after they see me, hahahaha, somebody stop me!). If she does have a boyfriend and you do know her and him and you are smitten with her, it is cool and chivalrous to step in if and when you see her being abused by him (pay close attention to the 377


words if and when you SEE her being abused, ‘cause it’s not ‘think’ or ‘hear’ she’s being abused). Abused women rarely bail out of abusive relationships on their own; most of them are addicted to the apologies they get after they’re backhanded, and they’re thinking “I love him and I know I can change him!” while their intestines are coming out through their nostrils. Again, this does not apply if you hear rumours or thinks she is being abused…it shouldn’t even apply if she tells you she’s being abused; words alone are not evidence. (If a girl told me “My boyfriend’s abusing me”, I’d say “Why is he still your boyfriend?”) If a girl’s taken but not abused, look elsewhere. If she’s always around (a co-worker or a trainer at your gym), the best thing to do is to take the high road: remain charming, courteous, attentive and discreet, save her phone number for later, and hope for the best. The ‘middle’ road is to remain charming, courteous, attentive and discreet, and date one of her girlfriends…ensuring all the while you treat like a goddess and give her truckloads of orgasms. Rest assured, word will spread. The ‘low’ road, if you’re a really vicious, cunning, scheming, evil bastard, is to get into long soul-searching conversations with Miss Taken, find out what her boyfriend’s fatal flaw is (and she’ll talk about it all the time, you betcha), and subtly, continually magnify it in her mind until she can’t take it any more and dumps him him…for you! How do you live with yourself, you filthy animal?! Of course, I’d never do that! If you’re fox-hunting full-time, there may be occasions when you will have competition and will Not be told! This is a perennial hazard. Reasons may include these: 1. She’s hopelessly, helplessly infatuated with you. Actually, this includes girls who do tell you they have boyfriends, but jump on you anyway. You can give them an ultimatum that they’ve got to dump their boyfriend first…they usually won’t, preferring to have their cake and eat it too…or simply go for the gusto and deal with the boyfriend if and when he shows up. 378

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2. She’s out to make hubby jealous! Oh, joy! Isn’t it Fun being a human target? You can get clued into this when the situation seems rather odd, like being on Candid Camera. You're usually sitting there at the bar or whatever and this strange woman comes up to you and lays a very complimentary rap on you, while her girlfriends giggle in the corner. Naturally you fall for it, and sometimes you get lucky, sometimes you don’t . In any event, if you do get ambushed by her boyfriend/husband, you can honestly say that you didn’t know. Good luck. 3. The home fires aren’t burning; that is to say, she’s got somebody at home but they’re not fulfilling her needs in one way or another. The only problem is, that ‘somebody’ may not know they’re not fulfilling her needs! (It’s entirely possible, because I’ve found that to fulfill all the needs of some women, I’d age at the rate of two years a day!) Two fun anecdotes for you: I was a roadie for a friend’s band, and the lead singer’s hot, headbanging girlfriend was following me all over the club. I couldn’t understand it; I was a volunteer ‘grunt’ and her boyfriend was a talented, good-looking rock-star-in-training, but she was chasing me. I was friendly, but I knew she was off-limits, so I just said “Yes ma’am/No ma’am” and tried to focus on my job. The lead singer came up to me later and said “You stay away from her!” I said “I’m trying to stay away from her. But I want you to watch something…” And I walked away to a private spot near the bar, where his girlfriend walked up to me again eight seconds later. Presto, your humble servant was clean as a whistle, while the girlfriend got ragged at. Another time a girl at work asked me out for drinks after our shift. Knowing she was married, I couldn’t believe my ears. “No, I can’t have a drink with you! You’re married!” She shrugged. “Yeah, so? I got out with other guys all the time! He 379


knows about it, he doesn’t have a problem with it…do you?” Of course I had a problem with it, since obviously her husband wasn’t around to confirm this blissful open relationship of hers. I said, “Well, in that case I’d be happy to have a drink with you…” “Great! I’ll buy.” She said. “…Just as soon as you bring a signed note from your husband saying it’s okay with him.” She laughed uproariously, and later said that her husband thought it was funny, too. But she never did bring that note. Hmmmmm. If a girl is in a relationship and doesn’t tell you about it, her are some mannerisms that may clue you in: A. You’re always meeting her someplace, rather than picking her up at her house. B. She glances furtively around in public. C. You get her work phone number but not her home phone number. D. She frequently says “Let’s go” or “Hurry up” or other hints that time is of the essence. E. She keeps a hat and sunglasses on when out in public. F. Places she likes to go are way out of town. G. She slouches way way down in the passenger seat of your car. H. Her preferred date is lunch at a restaurant that has a hotel attached to it. I. After a long & ecstatic session of lovemaking, you hear her gasp “Oh my God, it’s him!” and a bellow of angry betrayal cuts through the room, followed by the sound of a chainsaw revving up. Which brings us to our next point: should you fight over a woman? Actually, I suggest fighting next to a woman, so she doesn’t get hit. 380

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Seriously, I abhor violence unless it’s in self-defense; you may not. Now if a cretin’s hitting on your girl, be polite to a fault. Give him every opportunity to leave unscathed… If he’s irrational and won’t take no for an answer, give him a clear verbal warning to back off. If he doesn’t, raise your hands palms-up in a Christ-like sort of way, say “Look, man, I don’t want to fight you…” And then crush his right calf or ankle under your heel. While he’s pondering the pain from that, incapacitate him with a punch to the solar plexus, stomach, bridge of the nose or floating ribs. Make sure he is down before you leave, if you don’t want a bar stool broken over your head from behind. For best results, toss your car keys to your girl, tell her to get outside to the car, start the engine and lock the doors ‘til you get there. If the creep is a gigantic, apelike brute who outweighs you by a hundred pounds, subtly fill your hands with A) ashes from an ashtray or B) pepper from a pepper shaker. Fake him out—taking a punch if you have to—and blind him with the stuff, then crush his right ankle under your heel. Note that a guy can have huge layers of muscles or fat, but they can’t have it around their ankles, face, throat, knees or groin. A shot to the groin is normally considered dirty pool, but it’s considered that by people who aren’t staring down a hulking ex-con, and it’ll normally incapacitate anyone at least long enough for you to make an exit. If you can’t incapacitate him right away (or exit) and you’re stuck in a fight, try the old ‘up and down mix’: sequential punches or kicks to the bridge of the nose, knee, temple, groin, jaw, belly, throat, solar plexus, repeat as needed. These targets are all weak points, and by ‘mixing’ upper and lower targets there’s less of a chance to be anticipated and blocked. My favorite tactic is simply a savage but ironically merciful bear hug that will take the oxygen (and the fight) out of anyone I can lock my hands around, without any permanent damage. In public (i.e., around witnesses), it’s best that others see the creep take the first swing (obviously you’ll want to block it or dodge it), so that you’ve got a clear case for self-defense. Lowlife scumbags 381


rarely call in the law to back them up, but you’ll want other witnesses besides the scumbag’s best friends, Bubba and Cooter, who’ll dependably say “Yah, we wuz jes’ drinkin’ some beeahs when this boah jumped on our kin.” Speaking of lowlife scumbags; when you have the opportunity, rent the film Con Air, starring Nicholas Cage. In it Cage portrays Cameron Poe, an Army Ranger who is mocked, humiliated, threatened and then attacked by assorted scum during his welcomehome party at a bar. Cameron Poe nobly does everything right, shrugging off all their threats and insults until one of them pulls a knife—then, Bam, scratch one scumbag. Although the circumstances justified self-defense, Poe is convicted for manslaughter and spends years in prison for something that shouldn’t have even been a crime. It’s a film of course, but it can and probably has happened to another man who thought he was doing the right thing. Let’s say the shoe’s on the other foot…although hopefully nobody’s this primitive. If you flat-out challenge a guy for his girl (by fighting him), you’ve got a fifteen% chance of ‘winning her’, if you win the fight. 85% of the time she’ll shriek “AAAIIEEE! My BABY!” And cuddle over his bleeding bod. What you’ll probably end up doing is scaring her off by seeming like a psychopathic bully. If you do ‘win’ her, remember that if you can steal a woman away

from someone, chances are someone else can steal her away from you! There’ll be times when you’re foxhunting that it seems like all of the good ones really are taken. A lot of them are, but not all of them. Just keep looking. As word gets out how you can change a tire with your tongue, a lot of them will start looking for you!

Care and Feeding By The Rich Girl So there you are, the bachelor-at-large, workin’ hard, playin’ hard, finding your way through a forest of females in search of Ms. Right. 382

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Or at least, Ms. Right Now. Then, as if sent by God as a Cosmic Consolation Prize, a girl appears. But unlike the others, this one takes you out, in a black stretch limousine. She buys you silk bathrobes and expensive colognes. She says your battle-scarred ’96 Honda is ‘beneath you’. She laughs at your offer to take her out, but finds your attempts to cook a meal for her “cute”. Best of all, she thinks you’re the god of all porn stars, or at least she likes you a lot. Here’s your Rich Girl. Watch. Your. Step. This could be a typical relationship with its ups and downs; it could be your experience with The Good Life; or it could be hot rails to hell. This at least partially dependent on you. You’ll probably be the envy of your friends for a bit (until she has them ‘rubbed out’, hahaha, just kidding!) and there’ll be some goodnatured ribbing ranging from “How’s Madonna these days?” to “You still usin’ those old clubs? She hasn’t bought you a set of gold ones yet?” But you can always retort “And how’s your coon-ass trailer-park woman? I heard she got you super-sized fries for your anniversary.” Also, if you’ve never been rich, you will probably be quite unused to this. We’re used to being the initiators of the relationships, the providers and the breadwinners. It can be either a relief or a shock to discover you’re wanted but not needed. I can give you some insight, having had four of these relationships…but that doesn’t mean all rich girls are alike. Generally, you have… 1. The Heiress. This lass has, or will have, inherited wealth. I met one on a cruise ship. She said "Look at this watch I got in Freeport! Guess how much it cost me?"” I looked; it was a nice, slim gold watch. I didn’t know. “A hundred dollars?” I guessed. She looked stricken. “Thirteen Hundred dollars.” She said. “Oh.” I said. 1. The Businesswoman. This woman has busted her hump to get 383


an extremely well-paying job, or owns her own business. She may not necessarily be seven-figures rich, but she makes so much more than you that you’ll never know the difference. 2. The Divorcee has just bailed out of a marriage and has received a handsome settlement indeed. She may or may not have children, but she definitely has a lawyer. 3. The Millionaire’s Wife is a woman who’s married into money and is seeing you on the side. She may deny being married (look for a telltale untanned ‘stripe’ on her ring finger), or says she’s getting divorced, or is separated or whatever. This type of relationship is inadvisable, but by the time you find that out your days are probably numbered anyway, so enjoy it while you last. 4. The Lottery Winner has just won a huge stack of cash. She’s the rarest type of rich girl, and may have a refreshingly naïve view of her new wealth. But I’m sure you’ll be eager to offer her sound financial advice. In short, women come by wealth in much the same way we do. But when a woman showers you with it, it can knock you for a loop. Some pointers: A. Choose her or her money. Don’t assume because you’re getting laid, you’re also getting paid. If you want the girl, just be nice, stay independent and don’t change a thing. If you want her money, make it clear by demanding payment after sex, or blowing her safe open. In the latter case, keep the car running, if you get my drift. And make sure to be ashamed of yourself, too. B. Don’t Bow And Scrape To Her. If she’s been rich for a while, then armies of people have been bowing and scraping to her already, and these people are professionals. She’ll respect you more if you’re not a sycophant. 384

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C. Be a Sexual Thunder-God. It’s in your best interest to make sure her sex-drive is finely tuned, because unlike regular girls, a rich girl does not need you to fix her car, roof or plumbing. It’s always nice of you to offer those things, of course. But to remain the apple of her eye, keep those orgasms coming, heh heh heh. Do exercises if you have to, just be ready at a moment’s notice. D. Do Not Add To Her Stress. This goes hand in hand with C, above. The more wealth one has, the harder they have to battle to hang onto it, to say nothing of trying to increase it. So if she comes home fuming from a botched merger, don’t be Archie Bunker snarling “Why ain’t supper on the table?!?” Hell, if she’s bringing home the bacon, you best be frying it up for her…and massaging her shoulders with your free hand, simultaneously. E. Stay Out Of Her Business Affairs, unless she invites you into them for some reason. Even then, I’d graciously ask to be excluded, unless you’re a whiz-kid in the same industry she’s in. If she comes home howling about the Japanese trying to buy her out, that’s your cue to be supportive and sympathetic, not to give unwarranted or unqualified business advice. “What do you think I should do?” Is a cue to give unwarranted advice. If you give advice that backfires, you can always say “Well, you asked, and I was just trying to help,” which you were. F. Make Her Proud Of You. Certain rich girls have ‘important’ people coming and going, or throw expensive parties, or have to be seen with the ‘in’ crowd. At such times it wouldn’t kill you to be sober, polite and charming. Speak well of her, in terms that don’t make you sound like a groupie. Also, for God’s sake, have something going on for yourself, a job, a business, a course of study, or some sort of artistic project, so you don’t have to be introduced as her ‘kept boy’. G. Don’t Get In Over Your Head. If you’re head over heels in love, this could be tricky. But let your relationship be a personal one if possible. Stay independent and self-sufficient; keep your job, or at 385


least your savings. Otherwise you run the risk of getting spoiled, unmotivated or greedy. Worse, you can become so attached to her financial safety-net that you’ll find yourself jumping through hoops to stay with her when it’s clearly time to move on. I once moved into an incredibly expensive house with a girl who’d promised to pay the rent. As such, I should not have signed the lease, but I did, and when I had to leave I was looking down the barrel of a most expensive lawsuit. Her promise was not on the lease; my signature was. She had the ablest of lawyers; I did not. Never forget that wealth equals power. H. Be Good To Her. Of course, you’re good to all the women you go out with, right? No, you beat them with pipes. Most of you would probably treat a Rich Girl better than a ‘regular girl’ anyway, just because she has the potential to treat you better (or have you measured for concrete shoes if she gets annoyed with you). But look beyond the Ferrari and the thousand-dollar gowns and you’ll see a flesh-and-blood woman who wants the same things you do: success, approval, love. Give her what you can and you shouldn’t go wrong. Congratulate her when she wins, comfort when she loses, look after her health. It’s noble, easy and it doesn’t cost anything. I. Enjoy, you lucky studling, Enjoy.

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Here’s To You Here’s to you, here’s to me, hope we never disagree! If we do…well, you might know the rest. I’d like to say Thanks for reading my book, and I hope it’s been helpful. If you run into any problems that Rock Her World doesn’t fix, or have any questions or feedback, please email me at [email protected] so I can address it in Rock

Her World 2: Too Much Still Isn’t Enough. I’m looking forward to a flood of correspondence (I get one every day anyway, but I’m looking for something besides “Click here to watch Betty Jo’s Webcam”), such as: “Hey, K.K., I’ve met 200 women and have had every conceivable

type of sex!!! Now I’m gonna meet two hundred More, there’s gotta be some girls in Iceland that I haven’t gotten to yet!!!” Go get ‘em, Casanova. Here’s to you. Or: “Greetings, Mr. Kupstis, thanks to the information in your book, I’ve met a wonderful woman who satisfies my every desire, and viceversa, and it’s great having a faithful, intimate companion to come home to. We’re getting married next week.” Congratulations, Galahad. Here’s to you. Hang on, I see one final hand going up, there…Yes?

Uhhhh, it seemed like you just endorsed skirt-chasing And monogamy at the same time…aren’t you playing both sides of the fence or being morally ambiguous or something like that? 387


Aggghhh! Caught! The Horror! Really, if it sounds like I’m being Mr. Diplomacy, it’s because I am. To my mind, there’s nothing wrong with either view. If you recall, back at the beginning of the book, I said that success with women is yours to define. There are good points of being a bachelor, and good points to monogamy and marriage. To wit. The freedom that comes with staying single is hard to define: to pick up and go wherever you want, whenever you want, to live as you please, to throw down with virtually any woman who winks at you, not having to hear “You left the cap off the toothpaste Again, you filthy barbarian!” To me, that’s an end in itself. I also seem to look slightly younger than married men my age, although this might just be me and not bachelorhood. Marriage seems to have its good points as well; married men live longer than bachelors, have a better immune system and fewer periods of depression. Married men do better in the workplace than bachelors, promotion-wise, since they are perceived to be more reliable, mature and serious than bachelors (they’ve got the ‘reliable’ part right; married men have mouths to feed and can’t jet off to Hawaii on a whim). With a (hopefully) permanent sex partner, married men are free of the endless ‘hunt’ of the bachelor, and have a much lower risk of contracting sexually-transmitted diseases. Married men are said to be generally happier than their single counterparts, although sitcoms, soap operas, the media, stand-up comics and a lot of married men would have you think otherwise. I myself haven’t wholly ruled it out, but the odds of finding a Freak Goddess who doesn’t want kids are a bit slim. But don’t worry about me…put the book away now and go get yourself a relationship. Short-term, long-term, marriage, whatever works for you. We all need relationships, no matter what the duration, or intensity. They heal you, they complete you, they help you grow, they help you improve someone else’s life as well as your own. Short term relationships are OK. Long term relationships are better. A reasonable experimental period of short term relationships 388

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which leads you to your ultimate long-term relationship is best. Being single or married is not a sustained orgasm; there’ll be some tough times. But tough times are easier when you’re not alone. One of my favorite sayings is: Tough times don’t last. Tough people

do. Here’s to you, tough guy.

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Suggested Reading Whatever you do in life, keep reading! (Especially everything I write. Hahahaha! Just kidding, almost.) The following books might not be as simplistic & witty as Rock Her World, but I encourage you to check ‘em out anyway.

The Holy Bible, by God and His assorted homeboys. Available everywhere fine books are sold. Not only crammed with inspiration, but it’s also our race’s first primer on social interaction.

Unlimited Power, and/or Awaken The Giant Within, by Anthony Robbins. Teaches you the basics of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), which literally ‘rewires’ your brain and nervous system and turns you into a human dynamo of energy, enthusiasm & confidence. Good stuff.

Body For Life, by Bill Phillips. Bill is the head of Experimental And Applied Sciences and the Editor of Muscle Media Magazine. This book has a simple (but not easy) twelve-week program that totally transforms your body from a junk-food junkie to a Greek god. You might also win a cool stack of lettuce, while you’re at it.

Get anyone to do anything, by David J. Lieberman, Ph.D. Worth its weight in freakin’ gold, this neat little tome combines communications and psychology to enable you to interact successfully with anyone. 390

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Success! By Michael Korda. Primarily focuses on financial and occupational success, but who couldn’t use more of that? Mr. Korda is also the author of Power!, which increases your personal power, although I was disappointed when I learned I wouldn’t be able to levitate or turn invisible. How to read a person like a book, by Gerald I. Nierenberg and Henry H. Calero. Translates human body language into plain English. After reading this, someone can try to lie to you and you’ll just go “Surrrrrre…” When I say no, I feel guilty, by Manuel J. Smith. Increases your self-esteem…hell, it practically lets you talk your way into Fort Knox.

Naked at Gender Gap, by Asa Baber. Mr. Baber writes the Men column for Playboy Magazine, and this book is an awesome collection of essays on the masculine condition. Optimum Brain Power, by Miriam & Otto Ehrenberg, Ph. D. A total program for increasing your intelligence. Open Marriage, by The O’Neills. Probably the best book on marriage ever written next to The Bible. It should be required reading for any couple considering marriage.

Hardcore Bodybuilding, by Robert Kenedy. For those of you who want to go off on muscle mass. Along the same lines, but focusing on weight loss and lean muscular development, is Ripped, by Clarence Bass. Mr. Bass has a body fat level of an astounding 2.4 percent, and shows you how to get there.

Eight Weeks To Optimum Health, by Dr. Andrew Weil M.D. If you’re in sad shape, this is a pretty easy program to un-screw your 391


body by making gradual changes to your diet and lifestyle.

Truly Tasteless Jokes, I-VII, by Blanche Knott. Not all of them are tasteless, and these are practically the only modern joke books available.

Clownwhite: A Comedy of Horrors, by K.K. There’s this clown, see, and he gets possessed…never mind, I was just wondering if I could plug this without getting caught.

How to Make Love All The Time and How to drive your woman wild in bed, by Graham Masterton. Mr. Masterton’s a top British horror writer (author of The Manitou etc.—is there a connection here, or are all horror writers gigolos?), but he’s also an editor for Penthouse, so he’s pretty well-schooled. How to satisfy a woman every time—and leave her screaming for more, by Nora Hayden. This self-published little gem became an instant bestseller…and it’s only one technique! But like me, it’s fast, cheap and simple. Good luck finding it because it sold out pretty quick. It also spawned two ‘spoofs’: How to satisfy a woman on $5 a day and How to irritate a woman every time—and send her

screaming from the room! The Kama Sutra of Vatayana, hopefully still available in most bookstores. This Ancient Indian “Sex Bible” contains dozens of amazing sex positions and other fun facts. A worthwhile investment for any couple.

Ecstasy Through Tantra, by Dr. Jonn Mumford. While it almost drives you to the brink of confusion, this is the book on Tantra techniques. Afterwards you will be able to “Go all night, like lumberjack!” 392

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The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, by Dr. Stephen R. Covey. Principally for use in business, but also dynamite for use in relationships, and in life itself.

The Art Of Selfishness, by David Seabury. Don’t let the title fool you, this book isn’t about being a prick, but about rational selfinterest and self-preservation, and the good it brings. One endorsement claims it could do more good in some homes than The Bible.

The Ethical Slut, by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Lizst. A very basic but warm and reassuring primer on polyamory and open relationships. If a Christian notices you reading it and gives you any grief, respond that King Solomon was an Ethical Slut, too.

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Suggested Viewing Okay, for those of you who aren’t going to read anything (else), here are some films and videos I suggest you watch:

Nina Hartley’s Guide(s) to…First of all, if you don’t know who Nina Hartley is, you’ve probably been living under a rock. Beyond being one of the top-rated adult film stars of the last few decades, she is one of the few actual authorities on sex. Beyond her adult film work, she has generously created video guides to better sex: Nina Hartley’s Guide to Making Love to Women, Better Oral Sex, Exotic Dancing, Sex Toys, etc. Available through Adamandeve.com, or various adult stores.

Making Love Work, by Dr. Barbara DeAngelis. Wise, witty and a toaster-hot babe, Dr. DeAngelis has truly learned through experience (four marriages) to get an all-encompassing view of relationships. This is also available as an audio/video series.

The Tao Of Steve…Donal Logue plays a guy who’s pretty much like me, only fatter. His philosophy combines Zen and various Steve McQueen films. Everything goes wonderfully, until he predictably surrenders to monogamy (hey, it’s a female director, what can ya do). Something’s Got To Give…Jack Nicholson plays a guy who’s pretty much like me, only fatter. Everything goes wonderfully, until he 394

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predictably surrenders to monogamy. Hmm…seems like a pattern’s forming here…

About A Boy…Hugh Grant plays a guy who’s pretty much like me, except he’s British and has no useful skills besides getting with women (while I, on the other hand, can stock drywall, install pollution-monitoring wells, mix concrete, carry king-sized beds up three flights of stairs, download 757s, write, act, etc.). Everything goes wonderfully, until he apparently surrenders to monogamy…but there’s still hope. This one’s hilarious, too…but perhaps that was just me. The Opposite Sex and How To Live With Them…Arye Gross tries to play a guy who’s pretty much like me, but isn’t, and predictably surrenders to monogamy. However, he surrenders to monogamy with Courtney Cox, so he’s excused. Luckily Kevin Pollak, the God of all Supporting Actors, carries the whole film while giving oodles of excellent advice.

Quest For The Snow Leopard…This is probably the only adult film that a girl will actually watch with you (all the way through). Asia Carrera plays a naturalist who tracks an exotic leopard through an exotic foreign country…which is mostly an excuse for her to have exotic sex with a lot of exotic people. I was astounded to discover this one actually has a plot. Nine and a half Weeks…Mickey Rourke has Kim Basinger up, down, and all the way around. In the meantime, though, he comes up with some interesting ways to turn her on. Ah, what am I saying, you’ve probably got this one already.

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About The Author

K.K. (Ken Kupstis) was born in Connecticut, but quickly escaped. He received a Bachelor’s Degree in Communication Arts from St. Thomas University in Miami, Florida, and has worked in various capacities for CNN, The Walt Disney World Company, Carnival Cruise Lines, America West Airlines, Ripley’s Believe it Or Not!, and Orlando’s Terror On Church Street Theater. Until its recent dissolution, he was one of the top-rated Romance & Dating experts on the Askme.com website, with over 600 queries. His other books include Clownwhite: A Comedy of Horrors, the anthology Inhuman Resources and its audiobook This Won’t Hurt A Bit. His short fiction and essays have been published in Chic, The

Orlando Sentinel, Florida Magazine, Into The Darkness, Vegas Rocks! Crypt Magazine, The Meriden Record-Journal, Creatio Ex Nihilo, Testosterone, Flashshot, Kopfhalter, The Apricorn Anthology, Camp


Horror, Terror Tales UK, Voices From a Dark Future, Ghostbreakers, Focus In Entertainment, Brutal Dreamer, New Voices in Horror, Be Mine, and others. As an actor, he appears in the feature films The Casino Job, Go, Immortal, Biohazard: The Alien Force, and numerous stage productions. His websites are www.angelfire.com/tv2/voodoohighway and www.kk.actorsite.com. He currently lives in Las Vegas with his girlfriends and his mindless cat.

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