For As Long As We Both Shall Live

For As Long As We Both Shall Live ♥ Zahra Owens

“IT’S very peaceful here at night, isn’t it?” “I suppose.” “Anything I can help you with? I’m sorry, where are my manners? I’m Helen.” She held out her hand. “I’m one of the pastors here.” “TJ.” TJ shook the offered hand. “Mind if I ask which church this is? What church you belong to?” Helen’s kind smile never left her face. “I belong to a nondenominational church in town. This chapel is here so different pastors from different faiths can meet the people who need them. We cater to everyone who needs spiritual help or a proverbial shoulder to cry on. We’re pretty good at just listening too.” She paused for a moment, but when TJ didn’t say anything she continued, “Are you visiting someone here in the hospital?” TJ nodded. “My… friend.” “I see,” Helen replied. “Is he very sick?” TJ nodded again. “He must mean a lot to you if you’re still here at this

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late hour.” Again her statement was countered by a nod, but if this lack of communication frustrated her, she didn’t show it. “I was asked to come here tonight to support a family who was losing a loved one,” she explained. “If you’d like to talk, I’m going to be here for at least another half hour. If you don’t, then that’s okay with me too.” Helen waited for a moment and then got up. She walked over to a desk which was standing to the side and started rearranging the leaflets that people had picked up and discarded again. “Helen? Can I call you Helen?” TJ asked hesitantly. “I haven’t been inside a church since I was fifteen, and they didn’t have women pastors where I come from.” Helen came closer again. “Helen’s just fine.” She sat down on a bench in front of TJ and turned to face him. “Did you go to church often when you were younger?” “Three times a week. If you skipped church you were a sinner. Our preacher was all fire and brimstone, and he always scared the hell out of me. Sorry, I shouldn’t have used that word in a church,” TJ apologized. Helen giggled. “I grew up Southern Baptist. I know what you mean.” Now TJ was smiling too. She’d managed to relax him a bit. “So tell me about your friend?”

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“They’re not giving him very good odds.” “Cancer?” she asked softly. “No,” TJ answered. “He’s got some blood vessels in his brain that aren’t supposed to be there.” He righted his back and took a deep breath in, clearly to prevent himself from getting too emotional. “They can’t operate because they’re too deep or too embedded in his brain. I don’t know. They’re still doing tests to see whether they can fix it in some other way.” Helen nodded in understanding. “How long have you been together?” TJ looked up at her with fright. “In the eyes of the Lord, all men are created equal, and I believe he didn’t mean to exclude those men who love other men.” “Well, the church has certainly changed.” TJ looked at Helen with wide eyes. “Sadly, not all churches agree, but we do here.” TJ leaned forward, resting his arms on the back of the bench in front of him and letting his head drop. Helen put her hand across TJ’s folded ones. “We’ve been together since high school. I’ve never even as much as kissed another guy, let alone... Well you don’t need to know that.”

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Helen squeezed TJ’s hands. “Like I said, I’m here to listen. I don’t pass judgment. I can, however, say that that sort of commitment in any relationship is rare these days. It must be a wonderful feeling.” TJ swallowed and nodded. “We were fourteen when we met. Both of us transferred from different junior high schools to the big high school in town. We became instant friends, inseparable. I didn’t know what those feeling were I felt for him, I just knew they weren’t the same feelings I’d had for other friends or even girls. Even at fourteen, I knew you were supposed to feel different about girls, but I never felt it. Joe, though....” TJ paused and quickly glanced at Helen to check just how disgusted she looked, but she simply seemed interested. “The first time Joe kissed me, it all fell into place.” “So your feelings were answered?” TJ smiled. “And then some. The problem was I was raised hearing at least once a week how homosexuals were deviants and child molesters and sick, sick people, but I couldn’t help being one of them. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t deny what I was feeling!” “I hope you realized quickly enough that you weren’t any of those things?” Helen looked concerned. “I mean yes, you were gay, but you knew you were a good person, right?” TJ shook his head. “Joe tried to tell me. Even Joe’s mom

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chipped in. I loved going to their house, because she accepted Joe the way he was. She knew he liked guys. His dad too, and they were both okay with it. Joe used to say the only thing his mom was on his case about was that he had to find a boyfriend and stick with him. She would point her finger at him and tell him to not sleep around, and if he did he had to make sure he had safe sex at all time. I couldn’t believe it when he told me that. My mother never talked about sex. The only talk about birds and bees I ever got from my father was that I had to wait until I got married. Luckily we had two hours of sex education in biology class or I would never have known what I was waiting for. Joe’s parents were the absolute opposite of mine, and to this day they feel more like parents to me than my own do.” Helen squeezed his hand again. “Just goes to show that a little tolerance and open-mindedness goes a long way. Are you still in contact with your parents?” “No. Joe and I went to college together, as far away from our home town as we could manage. We roomed together and after we graduated I couldn’t see myself going back into the closet. All our friends knew about us, and we wanted to continue living together, so we stayed here and found jobs and an apartment, and then when Joe’s parents retired they moved out here as well. I have all the family I need here.” “And then Joe got sick?” “He started fainting. I’d come home and find him

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puttering around the house with a huge black eye. Our friends thought I was beating him up. The doctor couldn’t find anything, but it got worse and worse. He got splitting migraines, and they thought he had a brain tumor, but then the scanner showed this horrific mess of blood vessels. I can still see the doctor’s face when he showed us the pictures. I think it was the first time he’d seen a thing like that too.” TJ chuckled, but not because it was funny, more to hide his unease. “They’re going to put a catheter up there and inject something to make the blood clot, but they think he might lose some brain function. They explained it to us, but I didn’t understand it all.” “Yeah, it sort of goes in one ear and out the other when you’ve just been told bad news, doesn’t it?” TJ retracted his hands and wiped them over his face. It was no surprise that he was crying. “Helen, I’m just terrified that I’ll lose him. We’ve been together for almost twenty years, and I don’t know what to do without him.” “Have you thought of marrying him? I know that doesn’t change the reality you have to live with, but it could mean you end up with some great memories whether he survives this or not.” “He asked me to marry him when that judge first ruled that people of the same sex should be allowed to enter into a marriage too. I said yes, but we never did anything about it. Then I asked him when he first got sick, but there were too

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many uncertainties, and he wanted to wait until we knew what his chances were.” “But you think he’d want this too? I can marry you, if you like. Either upstairs in his room or down here in the chapel.” TJ hesitated. “I’d have to ask him.” “Of course.” “But doesn’t it take something like a month to get a marriage license? And we need to apply for it together?” Helen wasn’t put off. “There’s an expedited procedure for people who are very sick and in the hospital. Joe’s doctor needs to sign a paper, but it can be done, and in record time, I might add.” TJ jumped up and grabbed Helen’s hand. “Come with me, right now, and I’ll ask him again.” “Sure, but I wouldn’t want to wake him if he’s asleep.” “He sleeps in short bursts. One or two hours max. I know, because I’ve been sleeping here on the couch for the last four days. I just needed a little air. Let’s go.” TJ took Helen upstairs to Joe’s room, where he let go of her hand to open the door. Joe was asleep, as Helen had predicted, but as soon as TJ touched his hand, Joe opened his eyes, and a loving smile appeared on TJ’s face.

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“Hey,” a tired looking Joe said, smiling at his lover. “Did you go for a walk?” TJ leaned over Joe and kissed him chastely on the mouth. “I brought somebody with me. Helen is the hospital pastor, and she wants to marry us.” Joe’s blue eyes brightened, but tears welled up. “Are you sure? With everything going on...” “That’s exactly why,” TJ interrupted. “I’ve been wanting to marry you for twenty years, Joey.” “But what if I.... What if I don’t make it, T?” “You’re going to make it,” TJ answered determinedly. “But you don’t know that.” TJ kissed the back of his lover’s hand. “If I need to lose you, I’d much rather lose a husband than a lover.” He was choking up, but managed to keep from caving in completely by first hugging Joe’s arm and then leaning down to kiss him again. “I love you, Joey.” “How do we do this?” Joe asked, his voice equally filled with emotions. “Helen’s going to help me with the paperwork. She says we can do it in the chapel downstairs. It’s small, but really nice.” “Can we do it before the operation?”

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TJ smiled. “We’re sure as hell going to try!” Joe closed his eyes. Fatigue was taking over again, but he had a content smile on his face. TJ arranged the blankets around Joe’s body so he would stay warm and slipped into the hallway after looking at his sleeping lover one more time. Helen was still there waiting for him. “I couldn’t help overhearing that he said yes?” A shy smile spread over TJ’s face, and he nodded. Then his face tuned solemn again. “We don’t have a lot of time. I promised Joe I’d try and get it all arranged before they did the procedure, and if all the tests are okay, they’re going to try and fix everything on Friday.” Helen took his hand and squeezed it. “We’ll give it everything we’ve got!”

THE night before Joe’s procedure, TJ brought Joe’s fancy suit to the hospital. “I should have asked your mom to take it in a bit. You’ve lost so much weight,” TJ apologized as he helped his lover get dressed.

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Joe couldn’t stand up for long, since it made him dizzy, but he was adamant that he was not going to say his wedding vows sitting down. Although appearances weren’t that important to him, he knew TJ felt different, so he pulled him closer when he started fretting too much. “It’s okay, T. I’ll smile for you in the pictures. We’ll look fine.” As Joe sat down on the side of his bed, TJ ran his hands over Joe’s short cropped hair, and Joe pulled him into his arms. “Everything will work out. You’ll see.” “Yes,” TJ answered, trying to keep a brave face while he occupied himself with folding Joe’s cravat. “Are you ready?” “Let me look at you.” Joe pushed TJ away from him and gave him the once one. “You’re a handsome man, Theodore James.” “Don’t call me that!” TJ replied, laughing. “Got you to smile, though.” TJ nodded shyly. Joe knew him so well. “So are you ready for this?” “Born ready,” Joe replied. He slowly got up and sat down in his wheelchair. “Drive slowly. Don’t want to barf all over this suit. Would make crappy pictures.” “Yeah, I know, but I’d kiss you anyway.” “You’re disgusting!” Joe laughed, but soon stopped and

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closed his eyes. “One more night,” TJ whispered, leaning closer to him. After Joe nodded, he continued. “Ready to go?” TJ wanted to run while pushing the chair. He couldn’t wait to get to the chapel and make it official. He and Joe were getting married, and nobody could stop them. These past weeks he’d gotten used to the languid pace with which he had to wheel Joe around to make sure his head didn’t spin too much, and he really didn’t mind. Any time spent together was magical anyway, even in a hospital. The back of the elevator had a large mirror, and TJ looked at the two of them. Their matching fancy suits and grey striped cravats looked out of place in this environment, but despite the fact that Joe looked gaunt and way too skinny for his tall frame, all TJ saw was the handsome man he’d loved all of his life. He looked away when he saw his eyes flood with tears, hoping Joe wouldn’t see it. A quick look at Joe’s face told him that if he did, he was hiding it very well. TJ squeezed Joe’s shoulder, and Joe smiled at him in the mirror just before the elevator stopped. “I love you,” Joe mouthed. “I love you too,” TJ answered silently as he wheeled Joe outside. The chapel was just through the corridor, and as soon as they turned the corner they were greeted by Helen and by

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Joe’s parents. TJ could tell Joe’s mom had been crying, but as usual she put on a brave face as soon as Joe arrived. “Shall we get started?” Helen suggested after the greetings were done. She was dressed in a long robe that reminded TJ of the one his preacher used to wear, with the exception that it didn’t have any crosses on it, something he was happy for. Neither he nor Joe had been particularly religious, but they had talked about the spiritual connotations of what they were about to do and had agreed that Helen’s involvement was ideal. “We can do this sitting down if you prefer?” Helen suggested after TJ wheeled Joe to the front. “No,” Joe said quickly. “I promised TJ I’d stand for our vows.” “We’ll keep it short and sweet then,” Helen suggested with a soft smile. “Is it okay if I take pictures during the vows?” Joe’s dad asked a little hesitantly. “Of course it is,” Helen acknowledged. Joe’s mom wanted to help Joe stand up, but Joe refused. “It’s okay, mom, T will help me.” It was clear to all that it took some effort for Joe to stand but that it was also important to him.

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“Joe and TJ have asked me to keep this short, so I’ll cut to the chase,” Helen started. “When I met them three days ago, there was no doubt in my mind how committed they were to each other. I think all of us gathered here are more than aware how important this wedding is to both of them, but also how important your support has been for them.” She looked at Joe’s parents and then at Joe and TJ. “I invite you to celebrate their commitment and love for each other with them.” “Joe, will you take TJ to be your husband? Do you commit yourself to his happiness and self-fulfillment as a person? Do you promise to love, honor, and trust him in sickness and in health, in adversity and prosperity, and to be true and loyal to him so long as you both shall live?” Joe swallowed before answering but then spoke a very determined, “I do”. “TJ, will you take Joe to be your husband? Do you commit yourself to his happiness and self-fulfillment as a person? Do you promise to love, honor, and trust him in sickness and in health, in adversity and prosperity, and to be true and loyal to him so long as you both shall live?” TJ’s “I do” sounded less strong, but no less convinced. Helen continued, taking some of the pressure away from this very emotional moment. “From the moment you decided to perform this ceremony here tonight, we talked about

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wedding vows and how difficult it would be to say the traditional words, so you agreed these words would be best written by yourselves. TJ, you wanted to start? Why don’t you hold hands?” she urged them. TJ nodded and gathered his courage before taking Joe’s hands in his. “You, Joe, are the love of my life, my reason for living. At times, knowing that you had my back was the only thing that kept me going. As such, I pledge my undying dedication to you for the rest of my life. I love you with all of my heart and soul, and I would be willing to give my life to you, to ensure your happiness and well being. I, TJ, take your hand and hold you to be, from this day on, an integral part of me, like it was my own flesh, and promise to look upon you as my soul mate, forever, with dedication, understanding, and unconditional love.” TJ was crying at the end of his words, but he stayed strong. Joe, on the other hand, was not as calm as he would have liked. He took his time answering and needed to find his balance a few times. His mother especially became worried, but Helen gestured to her to give him time. Joe took a deep breath in. “TJ, when I met you I knew instantly we belonged together. There was never any doubt. Looking back, I never could have imagined I would love you more than I did that day I met you, but I do. You are the most loving, thoughtful, caring, smart, and handsome man in my eyes, and your love always makes me feel like the

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happiest and luckiest man alive. I am proud to have you as my life’s partner, and I promise that I will always be at your side, even when I can’t be here.” Overcome with emotion, Joe stopped for a moment. “I am yours forever,” Joe concluded. He wavered, and TJ gathered him in his arms. “We can do the rest sitting down, love.” Joe shook his head, barely noticeably. “No, you deserve an upright husband to put that ring on your finger.” He smiled, setting TJ’s mind at ease. TJ held Joe in his arms as Helen took the rings from Joe’s mom. “These rings, by their shape, signify eternity; their substance signifies the indestructible bond forged between those who wear them. TJ, will you put the ring on Joe’s finger and say the words?” TJ nodded, taking the ring from Helen and putting it halfway up Joe’s ring finger. “Joe, I give you this ring as a sign of my faithfulness and devotion, for all the world to see.” It took some effort for TJ to slide it all the way to its place, but they managed, with combined effort. Joe let go of TJ for a moment to reciprocate the gesture. “T, I give you this ring as a sign of my faithfulness and devotion, for all the world to see.” TJ’s ring slipped on effortlessly. “So much for symbolism,” Joe murmured, making TJ smile broadly.

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“Dad, can you snap your pictures a little faster please?” Joe demanded of his father. He was smiling, though, as they posed for several snaps, with and without Joe’s mom. Helen offered to take a few family pictures including Dad, and then Joe’s dad took a few of Joe and TJ with Helen, before it was clear that Joe’s strength was failing him, so TJ helped him to sit down in his wheelchair again. “Mom, Dad, thanks for being here.” Joe’s mom was crying again, but it didn’t seem to matter. “Good luck tomorrow, son,” his dad said as they hugged their goodbyes. No more words were needed. They all knew how difficult the next morning was going to be. After Joe’s parents left, Helen accompanied the men upstairs to Joe’s room. “You have my number?” Helen asked TJ, just to be sure. “You can call me any time of the day or night.” TJ nodded. He knew Helen would be there for them, just like she had been for the last three days, but right now he needed to be alone with his husband. Joe was exhausted, so TJ wanted to help him out of his suit and into his pajamas. “Would you mind if we keep the suits on for a little while?” Joe suggested. “It’s not like we’ll actually be able to truly celebrate our wedding night, but this feels a little more

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festive than flannels,” he added regretfully. TJ agreed and helped Joe to lie down before crawling next to him in the narrow hospital bed. “This is all I wanted for now,” TJ admitted. “I wanted to spend tonight in bed with you, holding you and talking to you.” “When have you ever turned down sex?” Joe teased. TJ smiled. “We’ll get another chance.” They settled in, snuggling close to each other, with TJ patting the covers around them because he knew that Joe was pretty much always cold. They’d done this quite often in the past weeks, after Joe had fallen sick. They simply wanted to be close to each other. This night, Joe felt there were still things left unsaid. “T, I know you don’t want to talk about this, but there are things I want to say to you.” “Sssh,” TJ responded, placing his fingers over Joe’s lips. “No doom. We agreed tonight would be our happy time.” “I know,” Joe sighed. “There are just certain things I never told you, and I’m afraid I won’t get another chance.” “Joey, please,” TJ pleaded. “If you haven’t told me these things in the past twenty years, I doubt they’ll be important now. I only want to feel happy tonight. We just got married, and we’re spending our wedding night in a hospital room. I just want to lie here and enjoy being close to my husband.

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We’ll talk tomorrow, after everything is over.” Joe nodded reluctantly. Lying there together wasn’t bad. He gently kissed TJ’s forehead and pulled him closer. TJ kissed Joe back, taking it slow like they had in the last few weeks. Having a lover with a time bomb in his head certainly quenched their libido, but that didn’t mean they passed up the opportunity to cuddle and kiss. That was what had brought them together twenty years earlier, when they were both too afraid and too inexperienced to go all the way, and it had carried them through the hard times of coming out and living their life, good and bad, ever since. As they continued kissing languidly, TJ tried to banish the thoughts of how much he was going to miss this intimate contact more than he’d missed having sex these last weeks. Joe noticed, though. “Now who’s thinking doom?” he asked soothingly. “I’m trying to think happy thoughts,” TJ replied, swallowing the emotions away. “How about we make a date to go to Fisherman’s Wharf to that restaurant on the pier you like so much, and then we’ll take a walk by the water? How does that sound? Once I get out of here we’ll be able to do that again.” TJ nodded. ‘If you get out of here’, he wanted to add, but he’d been the one to demand they not talk about the big sword looming overhead, about the more than reasonable

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possibility that there would no longer be a chance to go out to a restaurant or even spend any time together. He couldn’t let that ruin their last hours together. “I also want to take you back to our hometown.” “What?” TJ said. Perplexed by what Joe had just stated, he sat up. “We’re married now. They’ll have to accept us, small town or not.” Joe was his usual calm self, but TJ couldn’t believe his ears. “My mother and her extremist friends will run us out of town. I’m never going back there, Joe.” Joe pulled him closer again and ran his hands through TJ’s short curls. “We’re no longer the scared kids of twenty years ago, T. We’re grownups now. They can’t ‘run us out of town’ anymore.” TJ gave in to Joe’s soothing touch. “I’m tired, but I don’t want to fall asleep,” he whispered, as if not saying it out loud made it any less laden. “We can talk some more,” Joe agreed. “But we’ll need to sleep anyway. Big day tomorrow.” “Yeah, but I don’t want to waste any time,” TJ murmured. His eyelids were growing heavy, though. He contemplated sitting up to stay awake, but then he’d have to leave Joe’s arms, and he really didn’t want that.

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Joe turned his face toward TJ so he could smell his hair and he felt TJ grow heavy in his arms just before he drifted off himself.

“DAD?” TJ was sitting in the waiting area of the operating theater, trying to stay occupied while he waited for Joe’s doctors to bring him news, when he spotted a short, balding man exiting the elevators. He could barely believe his eyes, but then the man turned in his direction, and he was sure. “Hello, son,” his dad answered, holding out his hand to greet him as if they saw each other regularly. “What are you doing here?” TJ’s dad hesitated. “A nice young lady called us two days ago to say you could use some support. She asked me to come last night, but I couldn’t make it then.” TJ didn’t know what to make of this unexpected visit. His first instinct was to curse Helen. Why did she have to call his parents? They were no longer a part of his life, and he wasn’t about to welcome them back with open arms. Not after being told years earlier by his mother that she didn’t have a son anymore. But he had to admit to himself that seeing his dad here, especially since he apparently came

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without his mother attached, felt good. “Where is she?” TJ asked. “Your mother?” TJ nodded. “She’d rather die than come here. She calls this city Sodom.” His dad was smiling, but TJ knew how uncomfortable he was. Being away from home for so long didn’t diminish TJ’s capacity to understand certain parts of his father’s demeanor. Although they had never been particularly close, his dad had never shunned him. Even when his mother denied his existence, his dad always tried to soothe things over, and for that, TJ had to admire him. Living with a religious nut like his mother couldn’t be easy. “I’m glad you came,” TJ said as they made their way back to the seating area. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to reveal the real reason Helen had asked his parents to come yesterday, but then he recalled Joe’s words about how they were stronger now, maybe even strong enough to return to their home town as a married couple, even though their marriage wasn’t valid in their home state. He knew he had to be brave for Joe. “Joe and I got married last night,” TJ revealed. “We wanted to get it done before the operation in case…” TJ didn’t finish his sentence. He’d promised himself he wasn’t going to cry today, and it wasn’t even noon yet.

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His dad looked up in surprise, but to TJ’s amazement there wasn’t the expected reproach in his father’s expression. He did see something else, which he could only interpret as confusion. “Forgive me, but I never understood this marriage thing for you and Joe,” his father admitted. “He’s the man I love, Dad. We’ve been together all of our adult lives.” TJ was surprised by his impromptu revelation, but it felt good to let his heart speak. “It’s no different than you and Mom. We share everything, Dad, the good and the bad. I can’t imagine my life without him, and it’s time other people realize it as well.” His dad nodded, but looked out of the window instead of at him. It felt like rejection, but TJ knew not to interpret it that way. His father had never been good when it came to showing his emotions, and maybe that was for the best. Being so frank with his father made him feel stronger, not just by hearing the conviction in his own words, but also because it affirmed that what Joe had said was true. He was stronger now, less dependent on his parents’ approval, and if his father rejected him now, the loss would be minor. Also, he was grateful that his father didn’t shout about his disapproval. His mother would no doubt make a scene, but his dad never did, despite the fact that TJ knew his father didn’t understand his love for another man. “So Joe is sick?” Dad eventually asked.

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“Yes, but they’re trying to fix it right now. I wish they’d give us an idea how he was doing, but I suppose I just need to be patient.” His dad nodded and then fell silent again. TJ wished they could just talk about this and that. It would help pass the time, and maybe take his mind off what was going on behind the closed door, but then he also knew not to expect small talk from his father. “Do you have a place to stay for the night?” TJ asked, just to get some sort of conversation going. When his dad shook his head, he continued, “I know a few places that aren’t too expensive. Nothing fancy, but clean and accommodating.” Dad gave him a grateful smile. “I wish I could invite you to stay at our apartment, but with Joe being sick and out of a job, we can’t afford to keep it so we’re living at his parents’ house.” “That’s okay,” Dad offered. Then the words hit home. “I’m sorry to hear that. Must be hard when you’ve always been so independent. I hope they’re good to you?” TJ nodded. He didn’t want to seem too enthusiastic, since it would reflect on his own family, but he tried to find a middle ground. “They’ve always been supportive.” “Good,” Dad answered, seeming genuinely pleased. He

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still fiddled uncomfortably, though. “I better go find a room to stay for the night. I’ll drop by here tomorrow before I leave to go home.” “Thanks, Dad.”

“YOU didn’t call me?” Helen asked as she entered the ICU room after standing in the doorway for a few minutes. TJ was sitting by Joe’s bed, reading a book out loud to him, and he’d just put it down. “I figured you’d be busy. You have more people to see than just us,” TJ answered with a soft smile. “I don’t marry people every day, you know.” Helen tried to keep her tone light. The nurses outside had stopped her and told her briefly that Joe wasn’t doing as well as they’d expected. “You two are a bit special to me.” “I didn’t want to bother you,” TJ answered quietly. “In any case, I thought I’d come and see how you were doing.” TJ took Joe’s hand and leaned over him. “We’ll be right back, love,” he told his unconscious husband. Then he kissed Joe’s forehead before walking outside.

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At the beginning of the corridor there was a waiting room, and Helen followed TJ inside. “Coffee?” he offered. Helen helped him pour it and then sat down next to him on the sofa. TJ didn’t talk; he just sat and hugged his cup. “Were there complications?” Helen asked tentatively. “Yes and no. According to the doctors everything went well, but he’s not waking up.” While TJ’s voice sounded neutral, the last words sounded a little choked. Helen took his hand. “There’s still time, right?” TJ nodded, looking at their clenched hands. “Some people have the kind of brain that just shuts down whenever there’s something wrong. Then when the problem clears up, it switches back on.” TJ bit his lip. “That’s what his doctors told me.” Helen squeezed his hand in support. “I knew me hanging around this hospital for years would come in handy one day.” TJ smiled wryly. “So do you have a place to stay tonight?” TJ shrugged.

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“You told me you no longer have an apartment in the city, and I know they don’t let you stay in Joe’s room here in the ICU...” She left her statement open, wordlessly inviting him to continue. “I’m okay,” TJ nodded fervently. “I have a guest room in my house. If you don’t mind being woken by the pitter-patter of children’s feet at six in the morning, that is.” TJ shook his head. “I can’t leave him. What if something goes wrong?” “What if he wakes up?” Helen helped him out. “I live a ten minute walk from the hospital, five minutes by car. They have my number anyway. I can just ask them to call me if anything changes.” TJ’s face was full of conflict. “And you can stay for as long as you want.” “I can’t leave him, Helen,” TJ repeated. Helen sighed. “Joe won’t be helped if you crash and burn, TJ. You need to be strong and rested and ready to tackle any obstacles that come in your way. That’s the only way you can help him. And that means you need to eat and you need to sleep, and I can help you with both.” TJ reluctantly nodded. “I need to tell him I’ll be staying

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with you for a while.” “Of course you do,” Helen said, feeling triumphant that her powers of persuasion had yet again worked. She followed TJ back to the fish bowl room they kept Joe in but didn’t enter with him, wanting to give them some privacy. Joe hadn’t moved, and if you could forget about the wires and tubes going in and out of every orifice, still looked like he was simply sleeping. She waited at the entrance, and although she couldn’t hear what TJ was telling Joe, she was witness to the incredible tenderness TJ bestowed on his loved one. At her house, Helen introduced TJ to her husband and her four children, and TJ was taken into the family as if he’d always belonged there. It proved a great distraction for him, which had been Helen’s intention all along. Over dinner the children were nosy, asking him all sorts of impertinent questions, and TJ answered most of them truthfully. Helen couldn’t help being a bit proud of the smile on TJ’s face when he was around the kids, and she hoped it would help him feel a bit better. TJ helped Helen put the children to bed with a story and afterward sat down next to her on the couch. “So are you next? Do I need to come and read you a story before I tuck you in too?” Helen joked. TJ chuckled. “I think I can manage. You’ve got quite a

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busy family here.” “Yeah,” Helen laughed it away. “But you seem to take to this quite well. I should apologize for some of the things they asked you, though. Especially Caren is too nosy for her own good.” “She’s eleven, right?” TJ asked. “It’s okay. She was just interested. You raised them that way, I presume?” Helen shrugged. “You can only teach them so much. She’s an investigative reporter in the bud, I’m afraid. Have you and Joe ever talked about children?” “Yeah, we have,” TJ replied. “That was the one thing missing, I suppose.” “I think you would have made great parents.” “Yeah.” TJ didn’t elaborate, and Helen felt there was more to the whole story, but it didn’t feel right to push him about it. TJ looked dead tired, and she’d tried to give him an opening to talk about it. That had to be enough for one night. “So shall I show you your room?” she suggested. TJ nodded. “Don’t think I can sleep, though.” “I promise I’ll wake you up if they call me, no matter what the time. I’ll get you a pair of my husband’s PJs.” “I really don’t want to bother you, Helen,” TJ answered.

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Helen thought he looked like a little boy instead of a grown man, so she sat down next to him on the bed. “You’re totally lost without him, aren’t you?” TJ swallowed away the lump in his throat. “When you leave everything you’ve known all your life behind to start again, you learn to depend on each other. We’re not as pathetic as you think,” TJ added. “I never said you were pathetic,” Helen defended herself, smiling to not sound too harsh. “I’m just worried about you, because...” She didn’t know how to continue. This wasn’t the sort of thing you told someone you’d only met a few days ago. “We’re not joined at the hip,” TJ helped out. “Before all this happened, we both worked full-time and only saw each other in the evenings and on weekends. When Joe got sick, everything changed. I have no idea what I’ll do when he dies, Helen. How would you feel if your husband died? It’s no different.” “I know,” Helen replied, taking TJ’s hand and squeezing it. “That’s why I suggested you two get married.” A weak smile broke on TJ’s face. “I’m glad we could still do it.” Then his good mood seemed to falter again. “Although when I listen to the news and hear about the campaign that’s going on for the elections, it looks like our marriage certificate won’t be worth the paper it’s written on sometime

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in the future.” “Proposition Eight?” TJ nodded. “I can’t believe it passed. It happened here a few years ago as well. That’s why Joe never wanted to do it before. He always said it wasn’t worth it if they annulled it again later.” “But he changed his mind?” Helen asked with a smile. “Didn’t even take a lot of persuading.” This time TJ was smiling broadly, and Helen pulled him into a motherly hug. “Why don’t I get you some PJ’s so you can go to sleep.” TJ nodded. Just before Helen reached the door, TJ stopped her. “Helen? Thank you.” “Any time,” she answered.

THE call in the middle of the night never came. In the morning, Helen took TJ to the hospital, and in the evening, TJ walked to her house long after Helen had left her work place. TJ was still tense and extremely worried, but he

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looked stronger and less exhausted with every passing day. His optimism never ceased to amaze Helen, especially because she knew that with every passing day it was becoming less and less likely that Joe would ever wake up again. One morning she got a frantic call from TJ, and if she wasn’t the kind of person who could always keep a level head in any situation, she would have panicked. “Helen, you’ve got to come to Joe’s room. Please hurry. I need you here. Right now. Please.” TJ’s voice seemed calm, but the urgency in his words made Helen drop everything and make a beeline for the ICU. When she arrived at what she thought was Joe’s room, she found it recently vacated and her heart sank. She knew deceased people often were moved to a separate room so their family could more easily view them. She stopped one of the nurses. “Joe Edmondson?” The young girl pointed her toward one of the other rooms, and the fact that she was smiling gave Helen hope, but she practically ran to it anyway. Then she stopped abruptly in the doorway. TJ was talking to Joe, and Joe was nodding back. Helen couldn’t have felt more happy if this had been her own husband. She backed out and leaned against the outside of the door and then realized she was crying. As she

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heard TJ call her name she wiped her hands over her face and tried to regain her composure. “Helen! Come see this!” TJ shouted, and then he added a little more quietly and soothingly, “Helen’s here, Joe. She helped me so much these past days; I had to make her part of this.” Helen picked up her courage and walked inside. Joe was smiling. He still looked tired and lethargic, but he was definitely awake. “You need someone to take care of you, T,” Joe replied, speaking slowly and clearly having a hard time articulating. “He’s pretty good at taking direction,” Helen quipped, winking at TJ. TJ held out his hand, and Helen took Joe’s, just like the night she married them. “Good to have you back with us, Joe.”

LIFE was pretty busy for everyone, so after Joe left the hospital, the contact Helen had with the couple faded. She wasn’t completely surprised, though, when she received an invitation for the opening of a GLBT bookstore, and at the bottom, in small letters, it said ‘Proprietors: Joe and TJ Edmondson’. She smiled at seeing that TJ had taken Joe’s

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name. It was no surprise, given how close TJ was to Joe’s parents and how cold his relationship was with his own mother and father. The date they’d chosen was already pretty full, as Helen had to play taxi for all her kids, but she found she was done with all of her driving around just before the end of the day and decided to drop by the store with her kids in tow. The bookstore was located in a quaint old building and had rainbow flags hanging outside. A few young people were walking out just as Helen arrived, and the shop was still bustling with activity inside. Trying to keep her four kids in line, Helen made her way to the back where it seemed less busy. “Helen?” She turned around and saw a broadly smiling, tall and rather thin man, leaning on a cane. “Joe? Oh my God, I almost didn’t recognize you.” “TJ’s outside entertaining the kids. He’ll get a kick out of seeing you here,” Joe said as he gestured toward the small city garden Helen could just make out behind the back window. “Looks like the opening was a success?” Helen followed Joe out the back and could see he still had some difficulty walking, but he’d progressed markedly since she last saw him.

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“Oh yes, don’t know how much wine we have left, though. I think most of the neighborhood came by for the free drinks, but we did sell a few books left and right.” As soon as they walked out into the bright sunlight, TJ spotted them and ran over, pulling Helen into a tight hug. “So glad you could make it! And you brought the kids? We’re playing touch football, mind if I take them with me?” “Sure!” Helen smiled at TJ’s zest for life and his endless energy. What a difference it made from the man she’d met that night in the hospital, now more than six months ago. Watching TJ trot off with her kids, closely followed by a large, playful mutt of a dog and a smaller, nervous one, Helen sat down next to Joe on a worn wooden bench near the back wall. From here, Joe had a good view of the front door of the shop, and every time the little bell over the door rang, Joe looked inside to see what was going on. “I better close up first,” Joe said, groaning as he got up from his place. “That way we can talk in relative peace. Help yourself to anything you like, okay?” When Joe returned a few minutes later, Helen got up to get them drinks. “White wine?” she asked Joe. “Looks like there’s a few bottles left of that.” Joe nodded and gratefully accepted the glass. “You’d think he was twelve, like my oldest,” Helen

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remarked as she gestured toward where TJ had just been tackled by one of the children and wrestled to the ground. He was pretending to be hurt, and Helen’s daughter fell for it, which made TJ break out in laughter. “Yeah, I think he’ll always be a big kid,” Joe replied, looking melancholic. “That part of him was gone for the longest time, but I see it creeping out now and again, and I have to say it makes me happy.” “So how are you doing?” Joe shrugged. “Getting there, slowly. TJ’s the hero, though. He sends me out for errands because I need the exercise and writes down what I need to bring home because he knows that by the time I reach the corner, I’ll have forgotten what I needed to get. You know, I always took care of him, but now he takes care of me.” “I think you two take good care of each other,” Helen remarked with a teasing smile. Joe looked at her sideways. “Yeah, I wouldn’t know what to do without him, and I think all this ‘in sickness and in health’ stuff only made that more clear to me.” “Funny,” Helen laughed. “TJ said something similar when you were still in the ICU.” “Thanks for suggesting we get married before the operation,” Joe stated, now more pensive. “I always felt it

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wasn’t worth the bother but it’s made a big difference for both of us.” “I’m glad we could change your mind. TJ was worried that Proposition Eight would make you say no again.” Joe shrugged. “Don’t care about that now. Although don’t tell TJ that I know. Every time someone mentions it he finds ways to change the topic of conversation.” “So is the next step kids?” Helen asked, watching TJ laugh and giggle as her kids piled on top of him on the small patch of grass while the dogs tried to outdo each other barking. “The dogs are our kids, I think.” Helen felt she heard regret in Joe’s words. “TJ told me you talked about it, though.” “Did he also tell you he wants the impossible?” Joe replied. “The impossible?” Helen repeated. “TJ’s biggest frustration is that we can’t have kids together. I told him we could adopt and they’d become our kids, but he’s adamant. He says he wants a kid that’s biologically his and mine.” He raised his eyebrows and sighed in defeat. “Very romantic, but not very realistic,” Helen agreed.

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“That’s my man.” Joe was laughing now. “So I guess the dogs will have to do for now.” “Well, you can always borrow mine,” Helen continued the joking. They both knew it held a lot of truth, though. TJ broke away from the kids and walked over to where they were sitting. He took Joe’s glass and drank some wine from it before kissing Joe and flopping down next to him. “I’m getting too old for this,” TJ laughed. “They’re wearing me out.” “You’re just out of shape, love. You should do this more often,” Joe replied lovingly. “I suppose I should,” TJ agreed, with a dramatic sigh. “So, what do you think of our little shop, Helen?” “I like it. I think I might want to come back without the kids next week and browse through your books.” “You’re welcome any time,” Joe offered. “You can stay tonight too if you like. We were planning on making a big pot of spaghetti, so there’s plenty for everyone.” “I don’t want to put you out,” Helen answered, trying to let them down gently. Joe put his arm around TJ and kissed his temple, and then he turned back toward Helen. “We understand if you have other plans, but we’d really like to stay in touch with

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you. You and your family mean a lot to TJ and so to me as well. In any case, TJ bought enough food to feed an army, hoping you would stay for dinner.” Helen didn’t answer right away, but followed TJ’s gaze to where her kids were playing with the dogs. She liked it here, enjoyed the men’s company and her kids were having a great time too. They would be thrilled to get spaghetti for dinner, she knew that, and if the guys really wanted her here, why not? “Okay,” she conceded. “Hubby’s out of town anyway, so I don’t have to worry about the old ball and chain.” “Shall I tell the kids?” TJ suggested, sitting up and looking like he was about ready to bolt out of there. “Knock yourself out!” Helen giggled at seeing him run over to the playful bunch. She looked at Joe and was struck by the love she saw in his eyes. “So, anything I can help you with?” she asked Joe. Joe shook his head. “Dinner will take about 30 minutes to cook. We have time, unless you’re really hungry.” Helen shrugged. “We have time. Mark and I are breaking up,” Helen suddenly said. She could barely believe she was telling a virtual stranger about it, since she hadn’t even told her mother yet, or the kids, but at the same time it was a huge relief. Her husband being out of town meant she had to

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do it all alone, but the tension between them had been so tough these past months, that it was a welcome change. “How long empathically.

have

you

been

together?”

Joe

asked

“About as long as you and TJ. He was my high school sweetheart too.” Joe bit his lip. “I’m the last person to give relationship advice, and I don’t know your husband, so I may be way off here, but you’ve helped us a lot so here’s my take on things. Talk. Communicate in every way possible. Be as blatantly honest with each other as possible and put all your cards on the table.” Joe sighed and looked at TJ and the playing kids. “When they told me I was running around with a time bomb in my head, I wanted to run. The bottom dropped out. We couldn’t have sex anymore because that artery in my brain could pop at any minute, and I was scared to death of dying. I told TJ to leave and find someone else. I knew he wouldn’t, but at the time it only felt right that I cut him loose. I thought he was gonna cry and plead with me, but instead he sat me down and told me exactly what I meant to him. He told me there was nobody else in the world he wanted to be with and even if I died, he would want to be with me for as long as he could. He was the most persistent little shit,” Joe added with a chuckle. “He fought for me, Helen.” They both looked across to the children and saw TJ pulling the weirdest face at them.

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“I used to be with him because he was funny and he made me laugh and, I suppose, for the great sex too, but we have so much more than that, and I might have missed out on all this if he hadn’t pushed me a little. We both lost our jobs and our house and all of our savings, but he stayed.” Joe looked at Helen and took her hand. “Go in there, behind the counter is a phone. Call Mark. Do it right now. Tell him you miss him and tell him you want to talk to him without the kids or without anyone else interfering. We’ll look after the kids and feed them and even put them to bed if we need to. We’ll have a slumber party. They’ll love it.” Helen looked at Joe and then at TJ and her kids. She was fighting with her own inner turmoil. “And if it doesn’t work out, at least you’ll know you gave it your best shot. That’s all anyone can ask.” Helen nodded, took a deep breath in and got up to walk inside. That was it, right? You gave it your best shot. But sometimes, for the man you love, your best shot needs to get a bit better, she thought as she dialed her husband’s cell phone.

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ZAHRA OWENS was born in Europe just before Woodstock and the moon landing and was given a much less pronounceable name by her non-English-speaking parents. Being an Aquarian meant she would never quite conform, and people learned to expect the unexpected. She started writing fairy tales in first grade; the same year she came into contact with her first group of Englishspeaking friends, a group which would eventually grow to include people from all over the world. On the outside she was a typical only child, accustomed to being with adults most of the time. On the inside, she sought ways to channel her wild imagination. During the daytime she earns a living as a computer specialist, but it’s her former career as an intensive care nurse that tends to seep into her fiction. Maybe this has to do with her weak spot for flawed characters and imperfect bodies, or maybe it’s just her sadistic streak coming through. You be the judge. Visit her web site at http://www.zahraowens.com/ and her blog at http://zahra-owens.livejournal.com/.

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For As Long As We Both Shall Live ©Copyright Zahra Owens, 2009 Published by Dreamspinner Press 4760 Preston Road Suite 244-149 Frisco, TX 75034 http://www.dreamspinnerpress.com/ This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the authors’ imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events or locales is entirely coincidental. Cover Design by Mara McKennen This book is licensed to the original purchaser only. Duplication or distribution via any means is illegal and a violation of International Copyright Law, subject to criminal prosecution and upon conviction, fines and/or imprisonment. This eBook cannot be legally loaned or given to others. No part of this eBook can be shared or reproduced without the express permission of the publisher. To request permission and all other inquiries, contact Dreamspinner Press at: 4760 Preston Road, Suite 244-149, Frisco, TX 75034 http://www.dreamspinnerpress.com/ Released in the United States of America June, 2009

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