The Little Book of Chav Jokes

THE LITTLE BOOK OF CHAV JOKES Crombie Jardine PUBLISHING LIMITED Office 2 3 Edgar Buildings George Street Bath BA1 2FJ ...

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF CHAV JOKES Crombie Jardine PUBLISHING LIMITED Office 2 3 Edgar Buildings George Street Bath BA1 2FJ www.crombiejardine.com This edition was first published by Crombie Jardine Publishing Limited in 2006 Copyright © Crombie Jardine Publishing Limited, 2006 All rights are reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher. ISBN 1-905102-83-6 Written by Michael Powell Cover illustration by Rob Smith Printed by William Clowes, Beccles, Suffolk

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THE LITTLE BOOK OF CHAV JOKES

The Chavster Song, sung to the tune, ‘You Are My Sunshine’: You are a chavster, A filthy chavster, You’re only happy, On giro day, Your mum’s out thieving, Your dad’s drug-dealing, So please don’t take, My mobile, Away. 3


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What did God say when he made the first chav? ‘Oh shit. Now I’ve got to invent Ritalin.’

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Why are chavs like roads? They’re dangerous, covered in white stripes and they’re paid for out of your taxes.

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Why are chavettes like margarine? They’re cheap, full of fat and they spread easily.

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Why did so many chavs move to Croydon? They heard there were no jobs there.

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How do you know how many chavs are loitering in McDonald’s car park? See how many are missing from the pub.

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What’s a chav’s idea of foreplay? Rohypnol.

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How can you tell if a chav has a girlfriend? There are two trails of spit.

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Where do chavettes go before sex? Down.

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Where do chavettes go after sex? To the top of the housing list.

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Why couldn’t the chav finish a race? He was only good at startin’.

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How many chavs does it take to change a light bulb? Eleven. One to do it and ten to back him up.

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What do you call a chavette who won’t have sex on the first date? Dumped.

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What do you call a chav who drives a Mercedes? Michael Carroll.

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What do you get when you cross a chav with an octopus? Four times more shoplifting.

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What’s loud and green? A chav with syphilis.

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How do you get five chavs in a Vauxhall Nova? Take one out.

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How does a chavette turn the lights off after sex? She closes the car door.

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Why do chavettes wear knickers? To keep their ankles warm.

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What do Kurt Cobain and a chavette’s hair have in common? Both died badly.

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Why did the chav cross the road? To happy slap the chicken.

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How can you spot a pregnant chavette in a pub? She’s drinking for two.

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Why do chavs tuck their trackies into their socks? So their skinny white ankles don’t blind the Goths.

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What’s a chav’s favourite computer game? Electronic tag.

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What’s the best way to kill a chav? Pull his cap over his face and let him drown in his own spit.

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What’s the best way to sober up a chav? Stop his benefits.

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Why are chavs so generous? They’re always giving other people the finger.

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What is the difference between a supermarket trolley and a chav? A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

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What do you call a quiet chav? A corpse.

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Why do chavs wear hoodies? Because they’re too pissed for buttons.

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What do chav kids get for Christmas? Your bike.

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What are the worst three years of a chav’s life? School.

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Two chavs jump off a cliff: who hits the ground first? Who cares?

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Why did god create orgasms? So chavs know when to stop.

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How many chavs does it take to have a bath? Five. One to lie in the tub and four to spit on him.

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When do chavs shoplift the most? When they’re awake.

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Why did the chavette go back to her bedsit? To feed her baby.

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What’s a chav’s favourite opera? A soap opera.

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Why do chavettes wash their hair in the sink? Because that’s where you’re supposed to wash vegetables.

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English Teacher: ‘Wayne, can you tell me what always comes at the end of a sentence?’ Wayne: ‘Innit?’

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How do you get a chav to wear a condom? Put a Nike logo on it.

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Why do Purley residents go to Croydon car boot sales? To get their stuff back.

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What do a chavette and an ice hockey player have in common? They both change their pads after three periods.

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Why do chavs steal mobile phones? Because they’re too puny to carry plasma TVs.

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Why do chavs eat junk food all day? So they can take bubble baths at night.

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What’s the chav equivalent of a fortune cookie? A pop tart with a giro in the middle.

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How many people does it take to bury a chav? One. There is only one handle on a wheely bin.

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Why is a chavette like a turtle? They both get fucked up when they’re on their back.

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Did you hear about the minging chavette who had tits on her back? She was ugly to look at but fun to dance with.

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What’s the best thing a chav can give up for Lent? Breathing.

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How do chavs learn right from wrong? When they’re kidnapped at birth.

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What do you call an unborn baby chav? Scum in the oven.

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How do you know if a chav has been in your refrigerator? There are fag ends in the butter.

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What’s the difference between a chav and Batman? Batman can walk into a shop without Robin.

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How did the chavette get her boyfriend to pay her twice as much attention? She doubled her prison visits.

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Why don’t chavs like swimming? It makes their jewellery rust.

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What’s the difference between a chav and a chavette? A chavette has a higher sperm count.

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How can you tell if a chavette is having her period? She’s only wearing one sock.

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Why don’t chavettes use vibrators? They chip their teeth.

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Why do chavettes wear high heels? To keep their earrings off the ground.

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What do you call a chav with no arms? Trustworthy.

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What do you call a chav hitchhiker? Stranded.

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What do you call it when a chavette has an abortion? Crime prevention.

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What does a chavette do with her twat after sex? She takes him down the chip shop.

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Why do chavs wear white trackies? So they’re easier to run over in the dark.

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What do you get when you cross a genius with a chav? An idea that hits you for no apparent reason.

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Why do chavs wear sovereign rings? Because nobody else would.

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What do you get when you cross a chavette with a gorilla? Who knows? There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.

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Have you ever seen a chav on Star Trek? No. The future looks good doesn’t it?

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What’s the best advice you can give a chavette who wants to lose weight? Spit don’t swallow.

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How do you tell when a chavette has an orgasm? She drops her bag of chips.

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Why did the chav get arrested for taking off his baseball cap? He committed a bleach of the peace.

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What do you call a chavette with two brain cells? Pregnant.

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Why did the chavette tattoo her postcode on her stomach? So her male would get delivered to the right box.

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What’s the difference between a chav and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side.

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Which chavs are the luckiest? The ones that are put up for adoption.

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Which chavs are the second luckiest? The ones that are taken into care.

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Walking down a dark alleyway, a policeman discovers a pregnant chavette sticking a coat hanger up her fanny.

‘I’m arresting you for performing an illegal abortion.’ ‘Nah,’ she replies, ‘I’m just trying to pierce its ears.’ 80


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Where do chavs learn to read? Prison.

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Why wasn’t Jesus born in Croydon? He couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

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How do you stop a chav from drowning? Steal his jewellery.

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Why aren’t there any Jewish chavs? Because they won’t remove their hoods.

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What do you get when you cross a gang of chavs with a tsunami? A crime wave.

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Why do chavs hang around outside McDonald’s? All the prisons are full.

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Where does a chavette go to lose weight? The abortion clinic.

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How did the chav win a good citizen award? He had a vasectomy.

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The lifeguard at the public swimming pool approaches little Wayne. ‘You’re not allowed to pee in the pool. I’m going to report you.’ ‘But everyone pisses in the pool, innit?’ said little Wayne. ‘Maybe,’ replied the lifeguard, ‘but not from the diving board.’

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What do chavs use to play hide and seek? Metal detectors.

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Did you hear about the chav who got into university? Someone left a window open.

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Teacher: ‘Wayne, what’s the longest sentence you can think of?’

Wayne: ‘A life sentence.’

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Why did the vegetarian chavette starve to death? She could only afford nine carats.

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How does a chav get his girlfriend pregnant? He waits until she gives birth, then fucks her.

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1st thieving chav:

The police is here. Quick! Jump out the window. 2nd thieving chav:

But we’re on the 13th floor.

1st thieving chav:

Hurry! There’s no time for superstitions, innit.

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Why did the chavette cross the road? Never mind the road, what was she doing out of the chip shop?

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Why don’t chavettes like sex in the morning? Have you ever tried opening a cold cheese toastie?

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Why don’t they kill chavs at birth? I was wondering the same thing.

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What’s the one thing that a chav with Alzheimer’s never forgets to do? Cash his giro.

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What do you call a 300lb chavette? Slimmer of the year.

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How do you know if a chav is a bad father? He lets his 12-year-old smoke in front of her kids.

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How do you remove a chav’s hoodie? Kick his girlfriend in the chin.

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What is the definition of gross ignorance? 144 chavs.

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How does a chav know whether he’s got a high sperm count? His girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

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What do you get when you cross a chavette with a computer? A system that keeps going down.

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What’s invisible and smells of Big Macs? Chav farts.

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Did you hear about the bulimic chavette? She stuck one finger in the air and the other three down her throat.

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Why do chavs drive such crap cars? To give the Goths a sporting chance.

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How do you stop a chavette from smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.

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How do you fuck an ugly chavette? Jerk off in your hand and throw it at her.

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How many chavettes does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to drink white cider until the room spins.

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Why don’t chavs have to wait long at the opticians? Their IQs are very small.

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Instructions on a tube of chav acne cream: ‘Apply despairingly.’

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What do you do when a chav spits at you? Turn down the grill.

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What do a chav and a diet have in common? They don’t work.

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Did you hear about the chav who streaked at Lords? Wayne stopped play.

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What’s the difference between a job and a pushchair? You often see a chav with a pushchair.

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Why do pigeons fly upside down over Croydon? Because there’s nothing worth shitting on.

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Did you hear about the French chav? He got a job so he could go on strike.

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Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So they aren’t mistaken for chavettes.

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What’s the first thing a chavette hears when she wakes up? ‘What’s your name?’

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What’s the difference between a clock and a chav? You can see a clock’s face.

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How does a chavette get rid of excess pubic hair? She spits it out.

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Two chavettes in a pub. One says to the other, ‘Your round.’ The other one replies, ‘So are you. Wanna make somefing of it?’

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ISBN 1-905102-33-X, £4.99 125


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ISBN 1-905102-01-1, £2.99


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ISBN 1-905102-20-8, £2.99


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www.crombiejardine.com


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