Crombie Jardine PUBLISHING LIMITED 13 Nonsuch Walk, Cheam, Surrey, SM2 7LG www.crombiejardine.com This edition was first published by Crombie Jardine Publishing Limited in 2005 Copyright © 2005, Crombie Jardine Publishing Limited All rights are reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher. ISBN 1-905102-21-6 Written by Marc Blake Illustration by Rob Smith Design/Typesetting by Alastair Williams & Stewart Ferris Printed and bound in the United Kingdom by William Clowes Ltd, Beccles, Suffolk
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
2
26/01/2005, 19:51
Contents BLING FACTS ....................................... 5 BLING ICON No.1 ............................... 14 BLING PETS ........................................ 16 BLING ICON No.2 ............................... 18 ESSENTIAL BLING ............................. 20 BLING DRINKS ................................... 22 FOOTWEAR ........................................ 24 JEWELLERY ........................................ 26 HO’s HO. .............................................. 28 BLING ICON No.3 ............................... 30 BLING RAP .......................................... 33 BLING RIP ........................................... 34 BLING ICON No.4 ............................... 35 TOO OLD TO BLING? ......................... 38 BLING ICON No.5 ............................... 45 ON VA PARLER BLING ....................... 48
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
3
26/01/2005, 19:51
FAMOUS BLING SAYINGS ................. 72 BLING ICON No.6 ............................... 82 THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF BLING.. 84 THE BIBLE OF BLING ......................... 94 WHERE NOT TO GET YOUR BLING .. 95 BLING ICON No.7 ............................... 96 BLING SONGS .................................... 99 BOGUS BLING ICONS ...................... 100 BLING ICON No.8 ............................. 102 BLING? OR RICH WHITE TRASH? .. 105 BLING ICON No.9 ............................. 109 LOVE IS BLING ................................. 112 BLING ICON No.10 ........................... 114 BLING JOKES ................................... 118 BLING ICON No.11 ............................ 120 THE BLING PRAYER ........................ 122
4
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
4
26/01/2005, 19:51
BLING FACTS The expression ‘Bling’ was first coined by BG of the New Orleans rap family Cash Money Millionaires in the late 1990s to describe the imaginary sound produced when light reflects off a diamond. The term spread quickly and ‘bling bling’ now means conspicuous wealth
5
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
5
26/01/2005, 19:51
combined with pointless expenditure. In 1986 the Hip-Hop group Run-DMC made a fashion statement by wearing their Adidas trainers with no laces. This, combined with trench coats and big jewellery, influenced HipHop style. Run-DMC released a song My Adidas,
6
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
6
26/01/2005, 19:51
which appeared on their album Raising Hell. They later got their own line of trainers out of Adidas. Around the time, clothing companies started designing Hip-Hop styles. Russell Simmons, brother of groupmember Run, was the first to start his own line based on the music.
7
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
7
26/01/2005, 19:51
Before they formed NWA, Dr. Dre and Ice Cube recorded a parody of My Adidas called My Penis.
8
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
8
26/01/2005, 19:51
YOU IS TOTALLY BLINGING WHEN…... ✧
Asprey get a new diamond and they ask YOU to appraise it.
✧
You sell two of your chains and the gold market goes belly up.
✧
You win an MTV award for the most sexist language.
9
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
9
26/01/2005, 19:51
YOU IS TOTALLY BLINGING WHEN…... ✧
You can afford a limo with MTV, bar - and jacuzzi.
✧
You can boast more than five attempts on your life.
✧
Snoop Dogg & Wyclef Jean come to you for fashion tips.
✧
You drive a bullet-proof Popemobile.
10
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
10
26/01/2005, 19:51
YOU IS TOTALLY BLINGING WHEN…... ✧
You make the top ten ‘most wanted’ list for a second year.
✧
You’ve so many illegitimate kids they name the orphanage after you.
✧
Your Adidas contract is worth more than the third world debt.
11
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
11
26/01/2005, 19:51
Bling Places... Brooklyn
New York
Compton
Watts
12
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
12
26/01/2005, 19:51
Not Bling Places… Bournemouth
Yeovil
Croydon
Watford
13
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
13
26/01/2005, 19:51
BLING ICON No.1 HUGGY BEAR Antonio Fargas was in many ‘blaxploitation’ films of the 1970s including Shaft, Cleopatra Brown and I’m Gonna Git You Sucka. As Huggy Bear in Starsky and Hutch, he wore a mink coat with rainbow colours and owned a bar called The Pits. A snitch, he was the template for every
14
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
14
26/01/2005, 19:51
pimp character in every TV show or film from the 1970s onwards. In 2004 he moved from the urban to the real jungle and appeared in I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here (he lost to a squeaky-voiced comic). When the film version of Starsky and Hutch was released in 2004, Huggy Bear was played by Snoop Dogg.
15
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
15
26/01/2005, 19:51
BLING PETS Bling Dogs...
Not...
Weimaraner
Whippet
Doberman pinscher
Dachshund
Snoop Dogg
Scrappy Doo
The pet you really need to impress… ‘Bling Kong’!
16
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
16
26/01/2005, 19:51
Cats Lion Tiger Jaguar Anything whose pelt looks good on the upholstery of your Caddy/lapels/shoes
Other bling pets Panda Cobra Parrot
(if you can train it to say ‘Mo-fo’ or ‘Whupass’)
Koi Carp Trout Fox (urban variety) Funnel Web spider Shiatsu
17
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
17
26/01/2005, 19:51
BLING ICON No.2 MR T
“I pity the fool...” The coolest man in The A-Team (not so difficult), Laurence Tureaud was born in the Southside area of Chicago. He became a professional wrestler and tag team partner to Hulk Hogan and was twice named the USA’s toughest bouncer (“pity the fool that comes in here
18
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
18
26/01/2005, 19:51
in jeans or trainers”). He was also a bodyguard for Steve McQueen, Diana Ross and Mohammed Ali. Since The ATeam was axed he has resided in L.A. with a poodle called Mr Snuffles. OK, so I made up that last bit. Don’t tell him.
“I believe in the Golden Rule – the man with the gold... rules.”
19
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
19
26/01/2005, 19:51
ESSENTIAL BLING Wheels Lex (Lexus)
Benz (Merc)
Bentley
Slade (Cadillac Escalade)
Lincoln Continental
Str-e-etch Limo
20
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
20
26/01/2005, 19:51
Cars that don’t cut it Ford Ka
Ford Focus
(even if it does belong to yo momma)
Stretch Nissan Cherry (cut ‘n’ shut)
Skoda
Smart Car
21
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
21
26/01/2005, 19:51
BLING DRINKS Hot...
Not...
Cristal (Roederer Cristal)
Cava
Dom P (Dom Perignon)
Daquiri
Hen / Henry (Hennessy cognac)
Half a lager ’n’ lime
22
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
22
26/01/2005, 19:51
White diamonds not Diamond White ✧ Chablis not Cherryade ✧ Slammers not Snakebite
23
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
23
26/01/2005, 19:51
FOOTWEAR Hot...
Not...
Timbs (Timberland)
Hush Puppies
Nike Air
Dr Scholl
Converse
Sandal / sock combo
Adidas
Slippers
24
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
24
26/01/2005, 19:51
Hot trainers... Jordans Converse Air Force Ones
Not... Your stinky Pumas
25
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
25
26/01/2005, 19:51
JEWELLERY
Hot...
Not...
Asprey
Elizabeth Duke at Argos
Tiffany
Topshop
Rolex
HM Samuel
26
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
26
26/01/2005, 19:51
US Stores Hot...
Not...
Tiffany
Wal-Mart
Saks
Sears
Neiman Markus
Kmart
27
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
27
26/01/2005, 19:51
HO’S HO
24-carat minted bling Lil’ Kim Beyonce Missy Elliott J-Lo Queen Latifa Mariah Carey Latoya Jackson
28
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
28
26/01/2005, 19:51
Get yo’ bitch ass outta town Jordan Jade Goody Victoria Beckham Dido Britney Paris Hilton Charlotte Church
29
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
29
26/01/2005, 19:51
BLING ICON No.3 ELVIS PRESLEY Elvis Aaron Presley of East Tupelo Mississippi gave birth to Rock ’n’ Roll and sold one billion records. No fewer than 149 gold, platinum and multi platinum records adorn Graceland. He made 31 movies, including Jailhouse Rock and King Creole.
30
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
30
26/01/2005, 19:51
In 1969 Elvis played 57 dates in Vegas and broke all box office records. He is the only person to be a member of three Halls of Fame: Rock ’n’ Roll, Gospel, and Country. He gave away Cadillacs, cash and jewellery, wore black and white rhinestone-studded jumpsuits, rings and scarves and grew obese on deep fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches, and ice cream.
31
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
31
26/01/2005, 19:51
He once sent his personal jet to Denver for a burger. He died in his bathroom from a massive overdose of cocaine and barbiturates. He’s still topping the charts, with a re-release of ‘One Night’ becoming the 1,000th No.1 single in the UK (January 2005). Accept no imitations; he’s the King of Bling. Thengyewvermuch. Elvis has left the building.
32
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
32
26/01/2005, 19:51
BLING RAP Ice-T NWA Dr. Dre Snoop Dogg Busta Rhymes Wu-Tang Clan P. Diddy OutKast
33
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
33
26/01/2005, 19:51
BLING RIP 2Pac Notorious BIG Jam Master Jay
34
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
34
26/01/2005, 19:51
BLING ICON No.4 QUEEN ELIZABETH II The only living woman who is ‘right on the money’…and the stamps. She has been Head of State of the United Kingdom and the Commonwealth for fifty years, can form a government and
35
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
35
26/01/2005, 19:51
shakes hands wearing white gloves just like Michael Jackson. The Crown Jewels include the Orb, which is made from unmarked gold and set with 600 precious stones and pearls, and the Sovereign’s Sceptre which is decorated with 393 precious stones, including the 530-carat, Cullinan I diamond – the largest top quality cut diamond in the world. Blingin’, ma’am (best not
36
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
36
26/01/2005, 19:51
call her a bitch or a Ho, even at a garden party)!
“Like all the best families, we have our share of eccentricities, wayward youngsters and family disagreements.”
37
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
37
26/01/2005, 19:51
TOO OLD TO BLING? You know you’re too old to bling when ...
Your last CD
failed to get a parental advisory sticker.
38
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
38
26/01/2005, 19:51
Your limo has stretch marks.
Your bitch went off with another bitch... …and you didn’t get to watch or film it.
39
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
39
26/01/2005, 19:51
You think this book is about your favourite crooner, Bling Crosby.
You failed to get into this year’s Ho’s Ho.
40
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
40
26/01/2005, 19:51
Your rings are valued at 100% – pure alloy.
You got more on eBay for your hubcaps than for your car.
41
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
41
26/01/2005, 19:51
You sport a bangin’ set of gold teeth – in a jar by the bed.
Your doctor tells you that you are more Hip Op than Hip Hop.
42
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
42
26/01/2005, 19:51
Your pimp cane really is used for walking.
You get a diamond-encrusted Zimmer frame.
43
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
43
26/01/2005, 19:51
You stop going to Dr. Dre ... because he is not a real doctor.
44
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
44
26/01/2005, 19:51
BLING ICON No.5 SIR JIMMY SAVILLE James Wilson Vincent Saville was a miner, bouncer and club manager before becoming the mos def DJ in Britain. With his cool catchphrases – ‘howsaboutthatthen’ and ‘eueueueueu’ – he became the
45
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
45
26/01/2005, 19:51
first and longest-lasting presenter of BBC TV’s Top of the Pops. He presented Jim’ll Fix It from 1971 to 1991 and by 2002 had taken part in 214 marathons – all this whilst being completely barking doolally treefrog. At 74 he is the Godfather of Bling. The rings, the tracksuits, the platinum mullet-style hair, the medallions, the cigars, the
46
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
46
26/01/2005, 19:51
dead mother’s clothes... He da man! “Jim has fixed it for you.” “Now then now then now then.” “Goodness gracious, lovely lovely. Eueueueueeu!”
47
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
47
26/01/2005, 19:51
ON VA PARLER BLING
A glossary of Hip-Hop terms. 48
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
48
26/01/2005, 19:51
AKS interrogative. “Lemme aks you a question – mo-fo.”
BUSTA CAP To shoot a cap, most often in yo ass (not a donkey).
49
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
49
26/01/2005, 19:51
BOOTY A lady’s rear end. Also –licious. Desirable.
BITCH Girlfriend. See ‘HO’.
50
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
50
26/01/2005, 19:51
BLING n. synonym for expensive, flashy jewellery sported by African-American Hip-Hop artists and middle class Caucasian adolescents. And Chavs. v. to ‘bling-bling’; the act of sporting jewellery of an extravagant, gaudy nature.
51
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
51
26/01/2005, 19:51
CRIB Place of residence. Not ‘Crip’ – an L.A. gang.
DOWN Curiously, up. I am in accordance with it. I am up for it. “Put it down on the highest shelf.”
52
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
52
26/01/2005, 19:51
DISS You have undermined my authority and / or shown me no respect and cap bustage will now occur.
DSL abbrev. Dick Sucking Lips. See ‘HO’.
53
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
53
26/01/2005, 19:51
E Drug of choice for gurning, loved-up fools.
FUGLY Fucking ugly.
FLAVA Taste. “Pardon me ma’am, yo flava is somewhat tuna.”
54
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
54
26/01/2005, 19:51
FIDDY Half a hundred. “Yo, shit, Issac Hayes be at least fiddy years ol’.” Also the rapper: Fiddy cent.
GANK To steal. “He ganked my car and I only TWOC-ed it today.”
55
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
55
26/01/2005, 19:51
HOMIE Friend, ally. Not homosexual.
HO Whore, girlfriend, lover, life partner. See ‘BITCH’.
ICE To kill. “I iced him.” Also Ice-T – early gangsta rapper, best taken with lemon.
56
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
56
26/01/2005, 19:51
JET To leave. “We gotta jet outta here, mofo.”
J-LO Actress and singer known for her bootylicious rear end.
57
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
57
26/01/2005, 19:51
KAZOO Toothbrush. Platinum kazoo – electric toothbrush.
LL COOL J A rapper of some distinction (not Welsh).
58
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
58
26/01/2005, 19:51
LOC Pronounced ‘loke’ – a term describing the level of gangster. “That gangsta is well loc.”
MEAN DANIEL Oral sex. “Bitch give me a mean Daniel.”
59
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
59
26/01/2005, 19:51
MO-FO Mother fucker. Not literally an Oedipal relationship but an all-purpose term of greeting and/or derision. “Yo mo-fo Judge. How’s it hangin’? ... Wha’ yo’ mean, Death Row?”
60
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
60
26/01/2005, 19:51
NIGGA Also, Niggas/z. Person of African-American descent. A term of endearment. (Do not use if you are Caucasian.)
OPRAH To confess to bizarre sexual arrangements. “Mo-fo just Oprah’d up to bangin’ his cousin.”
61
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
61
26/01/2005, 19:51
PHAT Not a term of abuse for yo momma, but a good, wicked or frosted thing.
POONTANG Puntang, punanny, pooty, poot, pouch, pussy – female genitalia / beef curtains / camel’s hoof etc...
62
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
62
26/01/2005, 19:51
PLAYA Not a Spanish beach. Someone who has gained respect – often by maiming his rivals.
QUEEN LATIFA A respected lady rapper of note.
63
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
63
26/01/2005, 19:51
RESPEC Vitally important on the street when dealing with bitches, homies, bloods, crips, etc.
S’UP interrogative. “What’s happening? What s’up?”
64
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
64
26/01/2005, 19:51
SHIT (1) Stuff. “Where’s my shit?” (2) Exclamation. “Shit! Where’s my shit?!” (3) Deceit. “Are you shittin’ me? I said ‘Where’s my shit?’” (4) Drugs. “Not my shit, my shit.” (5) Insult. “Shit you, you shit.” (6) Excrement. “Shit, anyone here smell poo?”
65
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
65
26/01/2005, 19:51
TIGHT Attractive. “Your car is tight. The rims are blinging.”
UZI Israeli sub-machine gun. Popular with urban gangstas.
VERSACE Expensive clothing label.
66
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
66
26/01/2005, 19:51
VUITTON Louis. Expensive luggage label.
VIETNAMESE BEAN-WAX Crack cocaine. Don’t aks.
WHIP Car. Again, don’t aks.
67
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
67
26/01/2005, 19:51
WEED Marijuana or reefer. Also bhudda, shwag, mota, bud, mary-jane, dodo, green, fire, smoke, peace stick, watar, bluntos, bud, chronic, doja, banga, ganja, dank, sticky icky, indo, talkin’ turtle, hootith and pot.
68
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
68
26/01/2005, 19:51
WACK / WHACK Not to one’s liking. “My Ho refused to allow me to pot pink and brown. She is whack.”
X-RATED Porn and Rap often go hand in hand. Snoop Dogg united hardcore and Hip-Hop in ‘HUSTLAZ – Diary of a Pimp.’
69
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
69
26/01/2005, 19:51
YAYO Cocaine. Also yay, yeo, shnazal, heezy, blow, snow, powder.
YO Greeting. “Yo mo-fo nigga” (again, no Caucasians, please).
70
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
70
26/01/2005, 19:51
ZIRCON An alloy that is in no way real bling. Applies to diamante or anything on the shopping channel.
71
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
71
26/01/2005, 19:51
FAMOUS BLING SAYINGS
You can lead a Ho to water but you can’t make the bitch drink.
72
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
72
26/01/2005, 19:51
People in glass houses be growin’ some serious weed.
73
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
73
26/01/2005, 19:51
To bling or not to bling – that is the muthafucking question. (Hamlet)
74
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
74
26/01/2005, 19:51
Never look a gift Ho in the mouth.
75
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
75
26/01/2005, 19:51
Man shall not live by bling alone. There may be also be a beverage.
76
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
76
26/01/2005, 19:51
The bling will lead the bling… to Babylon, or East Croydon.
77
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
77
26/01/2005, 19:51
An “I” for an “I”. A gold tooth for a gold tooth.
78
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
78
26/01/2005, 19:51
In the land of the bling the man with the shades is King.
79
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
79
26/01/2005, 19:51
Beauty is in the eye of the bling holder.
80
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
80
26/01/2005, 19:51
Too many bitches spoil the bling.
81
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
81
26/01/2005, 19:51
BLING ICON No.6 KING MIDAS Phat! This Greek mo-fo rescued Silenius, the companion of Dionysus. As a reward, everything Midas touched turned to gold: pillars, drapes – oops! there goes the maid. After a while he realised there were problems in the eating, drinking and toilet
82
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
82
26/01/2005, 19:51
departments (dropping a 24-c log is no fun for anyone), so he asked to be cured. For this he bathed in a spring containing a bunch of dead goldfish. The Hollies (1960s pop group) released a song called King Midas in Reverse – which could easily describe Michael Jackson, John Prescott or Simon Cowell.
83
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
83
26/01/2005, 19:51
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF BLING
I.
Thou shalt have no other gods but Bling.
84
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
84
26/01/2005, 19:51
II.
Don’t make no graven image ’nless it be 100% gold.
85
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
85
26/01/2005, 19:51
III.
Don’t cuss when there is bitches in da room.
86
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
86
26/01/2005, 19:51
IV.
Remember the Saturday, and keep that for partying.
87
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
87
26/01/2005, 19:51
V.
Honour yo momma.
88
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
88
26/01/2005, 19:51
VI.
Thou shalt not kill. Yeah, right.
89
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
89
26/01/2005, 19:51
VII.
Thou shalt not commit adultery wit yo bitch’s sister ’cus yo bitch will find out.
90
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
90
26/01/2005, 19:51
VIII.
Thou shalt not be caught stealin’.
91
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
91
26/01/2005, 19:51
IX.
Be cool wit’ yo neighbour ’less he got a AK47.
92
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
92
26/01/2005, 19:51
X.
Covet yo neighbour’s ass but don’t be caught staring at her rack.
93
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
93
26/01/2005, 19:51
THE BIBLE OF BLING And lo, Jesus was born of a baby momma in a crib in the Bethlehem ’hood. First thing that turns up? Three brothers following a star. They bring him gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. Bling!
94
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
94
26/01/2005, 19:51
WHERE NOT TO GET YOUR BLING QVC. A suitcase in Oxford Street. Gran (unless she is Queen Elizabeth II) Lord of the Bling, Walford Market
95
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
95
26/01/2005, 19:51
BLING ICON No.7 BEYONCE Beyoncé Knowles – a founding member and chief songwriter of Destiny’s Child – is one of the biggest female acts of all time, selling more than 33 million records worldwide. In 2001 Beyoncé won the ASCAP Pop Songwriter of the Year Award. This made her the
96
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
96
26/01/2005, 19:51
first African-American woman (and actually only the second woman ever) to win that award. Destiny’s Child launched in 1997 with their blingin’ hit, No, No, No. In 2001 they took home two Grammy awards. Beyoncé has worked with artists ranging from OutKast’s Big Boi to Missy Elliot, and from Jay-Z to Luther Vandross. Beyoncé has a burgeoning acting career, appearing as Foxy Cleopatra in Goldmember
97
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
97
26/01/2005, 19:51
and can also be seen on the small screen in a series of commercials for Pepsi Cola directed by Spike Lee. She is the spokesperson for L’Oreal. Why? Because she’s worth it. Bling!
98
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
98
26/01/2005, 19:51
BLING SONGS ‘It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that bling’ (Irving Mills)
✧ ‘My Bling-a-ling’ (Chuck Berry)
✧ ‘Chitty Chitty Bling Bling’ (Sherman bros)
99
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
99
26/01/2005, 19:51
BOGUS BLING ICONS GARY GLITTER Bling!
The silver, the foil.
Not bling... The downloads, the jail sentence.
100
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
100
26/01/2005, 19:51
DAVE HILL (from Slade)
Bling! The platforms and silver.
Not bling... The pudding basin haircut, bad teeth.
SANTA CLAUS Bling!
The flying sleigh, advertising Coke.
Not bling... Chimneys, not existing.
101
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
101
26/01/2005, 19:51
BLING ICON No.8 LIZ TAYLOR Married eight times, Liz was the first actress to earn $1 million – for Cleopatra (1963). According to Richard Burton, “Her breasts would topple empires before they withered.” Mattel has made a doll with costumes styled to look just like her.
102
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
102
26/01/2005, 19:51
Howard Hughes offered her father $1 million for her hand in marriage. She turned up her nose when Hughes handed her a box of priceless gems. She never read an entire script, just her own lines. Her 3rd and 5th husband, Richard Burton, purchased the historic La Peregrina pearl for her. Liz owns another piece of historic jewellery, an enamelled
103
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
103
26/01/2005, 19:51
bracelet once belonging to Napoleon’s wife, Josephine Bonaparte. Liz was the first celebrity to acknowledge a stay in the Betty Ford Clinic.
“What do you expect me to do? Sleep alone?”
104
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
104
26/01/2005, 19:51
BLING? OR RICH WHITE TRASH? You be the judge
LIZ HURLEY She wore a Versace dress held together by safety pins to the premiere of Four Weddings and a Funeral and got more press coverage than her then boyfriend Hugh Grant. (He was
105
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
105
26/01/2005, 19:51
later arrested getting a BJ from the woman who put the Ho in Hollywood.) Appeared in the Avengers. And Bedazzled.
106
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
106
26/01/2005, 19:51
VICTORIA ‘POSH SPICE’ BECKHAM Gucci tabloid queen. In her teens, Posh Spice used to beg her dad not to drive her to theatre school in the Rolls Royce. She joined the Spice Girls, whose hit Wannabe was the first of nine to go straight to number one in the charts. In one year alone they sold 35 million albums. She met footballer David Beckham in
107
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
107
26/01/2005, 19:51
1997 – a marriage made in tabloid heaven. They have two sons: Brooklyn (named after where he was conceived); and Romeo (huh?). When her eponymous solo album floundered she worked with Hip-Hop artists to increase her street cred. An ‘A’ list celeb and clothes horse who will never be seen in anything that isn’t by Prada or D&G – or without a plasterer’s trowel full of make-up.
108
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
108
26/01/2005, 19:51
BLING ICON No.9 MARILYN MONROE Norma Jeane Mortenson married Jim Dougherty, Joe DiMaggio and playwright Arthur Miller, as well as reportedly having an affair with John F. Kennedy. She was addicted to sleeping pills, barbiturates and tranquilizers and much has been speculated about the events surrounding her ‘suicide’
109
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
109
26/01/2005, 19:51
at 36. During her career, Marilyn made 30 films (working with Montgomery Clift, Laurence Olivier, Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis) and left one, Something’s Got to Give, unfinished. She was more than just a movie star or glamour queen. A global sensation in her lifetime, Marilyn’s popularity has extended beyond star status to icon. Today, her name is synonymous
110
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
110
26/01/2005, 19:51
with beauty, sensuality and effervescence.
“Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.”
111
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
111
26/01/2005, 19:51
LOVE IS BLING! 5 signs that your bitch is blinging...
1
She gets a tattoo on her back so you’ve got something to read while you’re bangin’ her in the ass.
2
She suggests you get a furlined crib.
112
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
112
26/01/2005, 19:51
3
She texts you twenty times a day with cute messages like, ‘Snd more Coke NOW mo-fo!’
4
She wears your rings and falls over with the weight.
5
She answers to both bitch and Ho.
113
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
113
26/01/2005, 19:51
BLING ICON No.10 J-LO Dancer, actress, and now singer – is there anything she can’t do? After Lopez became a well-known actress, her early marriage to Ojani Noa came under close scrutiny by the press, and they were divorced after only a year. Her film Anaconda was a huge success. She also co-starred
114
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
114
26/01/2005, 19:51
with Jack Nicholson in Blood & Wine, Sean Penn in U-Turn, and George Clooney in the critically acclaimed Out Of Sight. Lopez switched her focus to music with the 1999 album On The 6, to which big-name, modern-day producers like her then boyfriend, Sean ‘Puffy’ Combs, lent a hand. Jennifer’s appearance at the Grammys in her infamous
115
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
115
26/01/2005, 19:51
down-to-there Versace dress, and at the Oscars in a braless, see-through Grecian gown and mink-fur false eyelashes, ensured that she remained in the public eye. Her quickie wedding to dancer Cris Judd was even shorter than her first marriage and her engagement to actor Ben Affleck. The Wedding Planner was the number one film in the U.S.A. the same week that her album J.Lo held the top spot on
116
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
116
26/01/2005, 19:51
the Billboard Top 200. She recently launched her own clothing line, perfume (Glow) and an L.A. restaurant.
“I could serve coffee using my rear as a ledge.”
117
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
117
26/01/2005, 19:51
BLING JOKES Q. What dog breed do gangstas keep as a pet? A. Bling Charles Spaniel.
Q. Where do gangstas go to get DIY stuff? A. Homiebase.
118
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
118
26/01/2005, 19:51
Q. What’s the medical term for being sick of too much bling? A. Affluenza.
Q. What’s the difference between a spade, a Ho and a bitch? A. The bitch don’t do nothin’ in the garden!
119
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
119
26/01/2005, 19:51
BLING ICON No.11 LIBERACE Liberace was known for his music, his grand piano and candelabra, his diamonds and dazzle. He achieved two Emmy Awards, six gold albums, two stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the world’s highest paid musician and pianist. Liberace was television’s first
120
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
120
26/01/2005, 19:51
matinee idol. In 1984 he celebrated 40 years in show business by breaking all sales and attendance records at New York’s Radio City Music Hall. One of his favourite songs was The Impossible Dream. Liberace’s legend lives on in The Liberace Museum which houses a collection of rare antique pianos, classic cars, sequined, bejewelled costume wardrobe, glittering stage jewellery and rare antiques. He never married.
121
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
121
26/01/2005, 19:51
THE BLING PRAYER Our Versace, who art in Kings Road Bling Bling be thy name Thy Vuitton come Thy Dolce & Gabbana be done In Saks as it is in Asprey Give us this day our platinum card
122
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
122
26/01/2005, 19:51
And forgive us our max-outs As we forgive those who shop against us And lead us not into Poundstretcher But deliver us from imitation For thine is 24 carat The Prada and the Gucci For ever and ever American Express
123
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
123
26/01/2005, 19:51
ISBN 1-905102-03-8, £2.99
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
124
26/01/2005, 19:51
ISBN 1-905102-00-3, £2.99
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
125
26/01/2005, 19:51
ISBN 1-905102-01-1, £2.99
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
126
26/01/2005, 19:51
ISBN 1-905102-20-8, £2.99
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
127
26/01/2005, 19:51
If you enjoyed reading this book and have any comments to make, or suggestions for other Little Books, please email us at:
[email protected]. All our books are available from High Street bookshops, Amazon or Bookpost (P.O. Box 29, Douglas, Isle of Man, IM99 1BQ. Tel: 01624 677237, Fax: 01624 670923, Email:
[email protected]. Postage and packing free within the UK). www.crombiejardine.com
The_Little_Book_Of_Bling.pmd
128
26/01/2005, 19:51