Conversation Chemisty

“Conversation Chemistry: How to use the power of communication to create and maintain unstoppable attraction with the O...

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“Conversation Chemistry: How to use the power of communication to create and maintain unstoppable attraction with the Opposite Sex!” by Mia Summer & Amy Waterman All Rights Reserved Copyright © 2007 MeetYourSweet.com No part of this book may be reproduced, transmitted or distributed in any form or by any means, electrical or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system without permission in writing from MeetYourSweet.com. The information contained in this book is provided ‘as is’ without warranty of any kind. The entire risk as to the results and the performance of the information is assumed by the user, and in no event shall MeetYourSweet. com be liable for any consequential, incidental or direct damages suffered in the course of using the information in this book.

What is Meet Your Sweet? Your new life starts today. With MeetYourSweet.com, you get the ultimate toolkit to creating the success you crave in Life and Relationships. We know that you’ve got the smarts to take care of most areas of your life. So why should dating and relationships be any different? That’s why we here at MeetYourSweet.com take a life coach’s perspective to romance. We don’t want to give you a paint-by-numbers program or dumb down what it takes to master REAL success. Rather, our goal is to empower you by giving you the life skills that you need to achieve a complete personal and social transformation… …the kind that will have you feeling confident, secure, desirable, and powerful, no matter what challenge you face! We’ve done the research, and we know what works. Our non-manipulative approach harnesses capacities that everyone has within them. Whether you’re male or female, young or old, single or in a relationship, we can help you become the absolute best you can be at relating with the opposite sex. Just imagine it. Gone are the days of struggling to get a date. Gone are the days of struggling to keep someone attracted. Gone are the days of worrying about whether you’re good-looking enough, popular enough, or captivating enough to get attention from the opposite sex! With MeetYourSweet.com, you get expert advice from a team of the world’s greatest writers, life coaches, and counselors in the field of dating and relationships. Every Meet Your Sweet course includes collaborations with top names in the field. Our team of contributing authors includes our very own Slade Shaw and Mia Summers, as well as Amy Waterman from 000Relationships.com and Andrew Rusbatch from SaveMyMarriageToday.com. So kickstart your personal and social transformation with MeetYourSweet. com. We look forward to hearing how our courses have changed YOU!

All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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Contents Introduction

10

How This Book is Structured

12

How to Make the Most from This Book

13

Enlist All the Help You Can Get

16

Part I. The Principles of Great Communication

17

Why Men and Women Communicate Differently

19

The Stages of Attraction

26

Why We Have to Talk to Attract a Mate

31

Intuitive Communication

34

Unconscious Communication Techniques Understanding Rapport Building Rapport Warm up to them gradually. Demonstrate personal interest. Tell a personal story. Establish common ground. Demonstrate that you understand them. Listen actively. Mirror and match. Go “wide and deep.” Lead them on an emotional journey. It’s All In Your Mind: Conversational Turnoffs All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 44 45 47 49 52

Mistake #1: Wanting People to Like You Mistake #2: Worrying About What to Say Mistake #3: Expecting People to Tell the Truth Mistake #4: Hiding Your Thought Mistake #5: Trying to Prove Yourself It’s All In Your Mind: Conversational Turnons Key #1: Match the Mood Key #2: Find Out How You Are Similar Key #3: Be Interested in Them Key #4: Let Your Body Do More of the Talking Key #5: Project Positive Energy

53 60 63 65 69 72 73 75 78 81 85

Summing Up

89

Part II. DATING

90

1. 2. 3. 4.

Face Your Fears Don’t Stop to Think No Expectations Visualization

95 97 98 99

How to Start a Conversation

100

1. Have a Wing. 2. Have a Prop. 3. Have a Reason. Starting a Conversation: Techniques What Should You Say? How to Make a Great First Impression Posture Eye Contact More First Impression Tips and Tidbits

101 101 105 108 110 115 115 117 120

How to Talk About Yourself

122

How to Avoid the “Brush-Off”

129


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How to Talk to a Group

132

Get an “In” Making Conversation in a Group

133 134

How to Make Someone Feel Like an Old Friend

135

The Art of Confident Conversation

139

It’s Not What You Say; It’s How You Say It It’s Better to Be Interested than Interesting

139 141

Taking the Conversation To a More Intimate Level

145

How to Give a Compliment

149

How to Speak With a Sexy Voice

154

Breathing Exercise Voice Exercise 5 Tips to a Sexier Voice

156 157 158

How to Be Funny

160

What Makes People Laugh? The Punchline Connect with Your Audience Jokes and One-Liners Develop Great Comedic Timing

161 163 164 165 167

How to Tease

170

How to Flirt Non-Verbally

172

Flirting for Both Sexes Non-Verbal Flirting for Men Non-Verbal Flirting for Women


::: 6 :::

173 174 175

How to Spark Chemistry and Sexual Tension

177

How to Talk to a Shy or Quiet Person

183

How to Talk to Anyone for Long Periods of Time

187

How to Listen

190

How to Always Have Something More to Say

193

How to Make Sure You Talk About the Right Things

196

How to Talk About Interests You Don’t Share

200

The Art of Great Story-Telling

204

How to Save Yourself from Nervousness

209

How to Remove Yourself from a Conversation

212

How to Move Things to the Next Level

214

How to Tell if Someone Wants to Kiss You How to Move In for the Kiss

215 216

How to Find Out Whether They Want to See You Again

217

What to Do If You’re Not Interested (And They Are)

220


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Part III. Relationships.

221

Becoming a Couple

223

Conscious Communication Exercise: Your Communication Inheritance Exercise: Your Couple Communication Patterns When Communication Stops When Communication Goes Horribly Wrong Being the Bearer of Bad News

227 229 230 232 235 238

Keep Your Love Balance in the Black

242

How to Communicate Affection

246

Be Affectionate Every Day Express Your Affection Freely Express Your Affection in a Way Your Partner Understands How to Disagree

246 249 252 254

Happy Couples aren’t Identical Twins Happy Couples are Flexible Happy Couples Don’t Judge How to Argue

255 257 259 262

Arguments Rarely Solve Anything Men and Women Argue Differently The Only Person You Can Do Anything about is Yourself

263 267 270

How to Forgive

273

How to Talk about Your Feelings

276

How to Develop Greater Emotional Awareness How to Express Emotions Appropriately


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277 280

How to Talk About “Us”

283

What It Means To Be a Couple Balancing Time Having Direction How To Talk About The Future

284 286 287 289

Evolution of Conversation Feeling Comfortable With Silence Quick Exercise Knowing When to Listen

290 291 291 293

Conclusion

295

Bibliography

296


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Introduction The only way you have to spark interest in an attractive member of the opposite sex is through communication. Similarly, the best method that exists for taking that attraction to a deeper and more intimate level is … you guessed it, communication. Communication is fundamental to every single human interaction, and most communication occurs without our even being aware of it. Although we tend to think of “good communication” as the ability to say the right thing at the right time, there’s so much more to it than that. You communicate through the tone of your voice, the length of your pauses, the involuntary sounds you make like grunts and sighs. You communicate through the way you hold your body, the way you move, the way you gesture, and the way you touch another person.

“Most communication occurs without our even being aware of it.”

It’s unfortunate that there’s more information out there telling you what to say rather than what to communicate. As long as you stay focused on the words coming out of your mouth, you neglect the thousand-and-one other things you’re communicating with your body language and vocal quality.

For example, slumped shoulders indicate that you expect to be rejected. Avoidance of eye contact can indicate that you might be painfully shy … or lying. A harsh vocal tone comes across as intimidating or aggressive. Standing too close can make a person feel repelled. That’s why this book on how to talk to the opposite sex is different from every other book out there. I’m going to show you how to communicate with the opposite sex in a way that will greatly increase your effectiveness, eloquence, and – more importantly – enjoyment of social situations.


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Once you know what you want to communicate in any situation, you can enlist your entire body and every means at your disposal to communicate that intention clearly. Because, ultimately, that’s what we want when we talk to the opposite sex, isn’t it? We want the person we’re talking to understand what we mean … which isn’t always the same as what we say. So forget about all those times when you had a less-than-perfect conversation with someone and later thought, “Why in the world did I say that?” or “That would have been the perfect thing to say!” By the time you finish this book, you’re going to have a complete grasp of how to get someone to feel what you want them to feel, and understand what you want them to understand, regardless of the specific words you say.

Mia Summers

Amy Waterman


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How This Book is Structured This book is structured into three parts. The first covers the basics of good communication. You’ll learn the most common mistakes people make when communicating with the opposite sex and how to solve them. You’ll learn why men and women communicate differently, and what this means for YOU. Lastly, you’ll learn some fundamental communication principles that you’ll be able to apply in ANY situation. In Part II, you’ll dive into the subject of Dating. You’ll learn how to start a conversation with someone new, how to ignite attraction, and how to move an interaction to the next level. You’ll see exactly how the principles discussed earlier are applied in a variety of situations, and you’ll ALSO learn what other dating and relationship experts say about each facet of communication. Finally, Part III covers the wider topics of Relationships. You’ll find out how to argue effectively with your partner, how to communicate affection, and how to talk about your needs and feelings. This section is crucial for anyone who has or wants a deeper relationship with the opposite sex, whether you’re in a relationship or not.


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How to Make the Most from This Book If you want to effectively and permanently improve your communication skills for the better, you’re going to have to do more than read this book. You’re going to have to put the principles into practice. It’s hard to break old habits. Most of us learned how to communicate higglypiggly, taking a little bit from here and a little bit from there. As a result, our communication style is a mish-mash of things we do automatically, things that we thought were cool and mimicked, and things we picked up unconsciously from our culture and the people around us.

“All the willpower, desire, and knowledge in the world won’t get you anywhere without practice.”

The fact that you bought this book at all shows that you’ve taken the first step towards becoming better with the opposite sex. You know that you don’t communicate as well as you could, and you’re ready to take an honest look at what doesn’t work and what does.

But wanting to change and knowing how to change is NOT the same as changing! You can have all the willpower in the world and know exactly what you need to do … and still not do it. That’s why you might be interested to know that research shows that it takes 15 minutes of daily practice for at least 21 days to make a new behavior automatic and effortless. That means that if you make the effort now to apply the tips and techniques in this book, conscientiously and regularly, you could be looking at a whole new “you” in less than a month!


::: 13 :::

Dr. Maxwell Maltz, author of Psycho-Cybernetics, was the first to introduce the idea that it takes 21 days of daily effort for a new behavior to become a habit. You see, the reason we have habits at all is because we perform the same action continuously over a certain period of time, such that new neuropathways are created to shortcut the time it takes between intention and action. Here’s an example of how it works. Do you remember how long it took you to learn how to drive? You probably watched a car being driven so many times when you were a kid that when you got your Driver’s Permit and finally took the wheel yourself, you knew something of what to do. But it took actually driving a car over several months before your movements became automatic and you no longer had to think about each step necessary to, say, parallel park. With enough practice, you could do it without thinking. The more you drove, the easier it became, and when it came time to take your Driver’s Exam, you did it with no sweat. Now, I want you to imagine that you did something different. Instead of getting a permit to practice driving, you believed that the only thing you needed to do to learn how to drive was to read your Driver’s Manual. You read your Driver’s Manual until you’d memorized every word and knew every answer. You could see yourself driving a car perfectly, and you wanted to drive so badly that you knew you’d ace your driving test. Then, when it came time to take the Driver’s Exam, you sat yourself in the driver’s side of the car … and your mind went blank. You froze. You managed to get the car started and pull out of the parking lot, but there were so many steps to remember that it wasn’t long until you were back at the DMV and told to come back again when you had some more practice.

“Part of practicing is making mistakes.”

Now, what went wrong this time? Quite simply, all the willpower, desire, and knowledge in the world won’t get you anywhere without practice.


::: 14 :::

The more you have to think about the words that you want to say and how you’re going to say them, the less impressed your conversational partner will be. So set yourself the goal of practicing good communication skills, as often as you can, wherever you can. Try out new behaviors consciously and repeatedly. Fifteen minutes a day, every day, for 21 days is the absolute minimum amount of time you should devote if you want to create a new habit. Don’t get discouraged if some of these techniques feel awkward and artificial at first. Riding a bike once felt awkward, too, but now it feels as natural as something you always knew how to do! Recognize that part of practicing is making mistakes and learning from your errors. Someone who’s practicing a new skill won’t do things perfectly every time, and we wouldn’t expect them to!

“Communication is not an isolated area of your life that you can work on in separation from everything else.”


::: 15 :::

Enlist All the Help You Can Get Before I dive into the principles of communication, I want to give you an extra tip on how to make the best use of the information in this book. Communication is not an isolated area of your life that you can work on in separation from everything else. Every day, you come into contact with members of the opposite sex that you have to communicate with. They may be salespeople, colleagues, family members, or strangers. But, regardless of their role in your life, I want you to be more conscious of how you communicate with them. Life coach Marie Forleo talks about the principle that: “How you do one thing is how you do everything.” This means that the way you communicate with the members of the opposite sex that you encounter at work, on the street, or in the shops will rub off on how you communicate with people you’re actually attracted to, and vice versa. If you’re at a party and act rudely to someone you’re not interested in, you won’t be able to turn around and suddenly be charming to someone you are interested in. Not only will you come across as inauthentic, but Mr/Miss Charming might have just seen how you treated Mr/Miss Annoying across the room. People are aware of more than we think. Make the conscious decision to improve your communication skills in ALL interactions with the opposite sex, regardless of whether you’re romantically interested or not. Because I’ll tell you one thing: people talk. That person that you weren’t interested in might just tell Mr/Miss Perfect what a great gal/guy you are, and get them interested in you. We need all the help we can get when it comes to communicating successfully with the opposite sex, so practicing your charm and wit on everyone around you. They’ll thank you for it! All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

::: 16 :::

Part I. The Principles of Great Communication “Communication works for those who work at it.” John Powell What is the difference between people who are great at communicating, and people who aren’t? When I was growing up, my father taught me that there were three principles to being great at speaking: 1. Think before you speak. 2. Have something to say. 3. Stop when you’re finished. For him, these principles applied to every conversation, no matter how minor. He thought about what he wanted to say before saying it, to avoid blurting out something that might hurt someone. He only spoke when he had something valid to contribute, and when he was done he let other people have their turn. He’d developed this simple formula during his years in business. Sitting on committees and directing meetings had given him insight into what makes a conversation effective and efficient. Although my father was excellent at business, he wasn’t the life of the party like my mother was. She excelled in small talk and making people feel comfortable. People loved to talk to my mother. Here are the three principles she followed: 1. Be enthusiastic. 2. Find common ground. 3. Keep talking.


::: 17 :::

Unlike my father, my mother was always talking. She was enthusiastic about everything: meeting new people, finding out what was new in their life, and sharing what was new in hers. She was excellent at remembering details that people told her, and she would follow up months or even years later with questions about their vacations, jobs, or families. Best of all, there was never an awkward moment in a conversation with my mother. She could put the shyest person at ease, because she was more than happy to do most of the talking. What mattered more than the words she said was the tone in which she said them, a joyful, lilting cadence that could tease laughter from a baby. Now, you may be expecting me to tell you that one approach is better than the other, but that’s not the direction I’m heading at all. Rather, each of the approaches I just described crystallizes the difference between the genders. Men use words to do something. Words have a purpose, like arranging a next date or getting a girl to like them. As a result, the most powerful things for a man to say are concise, to the point, and result in achieving their objective. Women use words to feel connected. They can talk freely regardless of whether they have anything to say. As a result, the most powerful things for a woman to say involve sharing and inspire feelings of connectedness. Keeping in mind this simple principle can guide you through almost any interaction with the opposite sex, in a professional or personal capacity!


::: 18 :::

Why Men and Women Communicate Differently I still remember my surprise when I first learned that women shouldn’t talk to men like they talk to their girlfriends. If a woman talks to a man like she’d talk to another woman, he won’t feel connected to her. Rather, he’ll just get annoyed. Men don’t want to hear who said what to whom, who is fooling around with whom, or who got a new boyfriend/haircut/job. Just take a look at the magazine industry. Women pore over pages of fashion and celebrity gossip, while men are buying Popular Mechanics and Sports Illustrated. Very few men have any patience with gossip. They prefer their communication to be to the point and convey something useful, like how to improve their golf swing or soup up an engine. Let’s take a look at this conversation between a man and woman waiting at a bus stop as an example.

Woman: Oh, thank God it’s almost Friday. I seriously just can’t wait for the weekend. Don’t you feel like it’s been a really long week this week? Man:

Mmm.

Woman: Isn’t it weird how some weeks feel much longer than other ones? Sometimes the time just flies by, and sometimes you just feel like it’s draaaaaaaging out. Man:

Yeah, I guess so. Well … (sounds uncertain) yeah, I guess so. (pauses) Yeah.

Woman: Well, this week has been REALLY long for me! But it’s not like it’s been that busy or anything. It’s just been normal. Silence. Woman: So, what have you got planned for this weekend?


::: 19 :::

Man:

Not a lot, really … I thought I might do a bit of golfing on Sunday if the weather holds, and then … well, I guess we’ll see.

Woman: (waits expectantly) Silence. Woman: Well, I can’t wait for the weekend. I think I’m going to start off with a long lie-in on Saturday morning, and maybe I’ll have something extra-special for breakfast: mm, like waffles! Yes, waffles. That is exactly what I feel like having. It always sets you up for a fantastic day when you have something really satisfying for breakfast. Can you remember the last time you actually took time out for breakfast and really savored it? Actually squeezed some fresh orange juice, sliced some strawberries, and sat down with a good book or the newspaper? Man:

No.

Woman: Me neither! I think it’s pretty important though, don’t you? Man:

Mm – I don’t really know.

Woman: But I never feel like having a good breakfast during the week. It always feels like I’ve got too much on my mind to be able to relax. I guess you could always get up earlier to have a good breakfast, but it wouldn’t really be the same, would it? Man:

I don’t know.

Woman: No, I don’t think it would. You wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about all the stuff you had to do after breakfast – I’d just rush through it, no matter how much time I gave myself for it. Man:

I always have a quick breakfast.

Woman: Really? What do you like to have during the week?


::: 20 :::

Man:

Coffee and cereal.

Woman: Oh, a cold breakfast! You know, apparently the food types that you choose first thing in the morning says something about your personal working style. Man:

Really.

Woman: Yes, apparently people who opt for heavy, hot breakfasts like hash browns and eggs benedict tend to devote a lot of time and energy to all their tasks, whereas people who have light breakfasts are really good at delegating work and are comfortable instructing others on how to take up the slack. Man:

(skeptical) I don’t know about that … that sounds kind of unlikely.

Woman: Well, you never know, though, do you? These things can be pretty accurate sometimes. (Pause) Woman: I mean, obviously you’ve got to take it with a grain of salt, but your choices do say a lot about what kind of person you are, don’t they? (The bus pulls up.) Woman: Do you need any spare change for the bus? I changed a twenty yesterday and my bag is just loaded with spare change. If you need any, just let me know. Man:

I’m fine, thanks.

(They get on the bus.)


::: 21 :::

How’s that for a perfect example of male/female communication? Those two managed to stereotype themselves perfectly! The woman’s side of the conversation was all about communicating information as a means of bonding with the other person; the man spoke a lot less, and what he did say was purely factual in nature. He aimed to communicate information; she aimed to build rapport and find common ground. This is really common behavior! While, on the surface at least, the conversation appeared to flow, it still seemed to me that a certain spark was missing. Both of them were addressing the other person as if they were talking to a member of their own sex, even though it was quite clear that neither of them were particularly enjoying the other’s contributions to the conversation. It was almost as if they were talking at each other, rather than to each other. She was getting a little annoyed because he wasn’t contributing much to the conversational flow; he was getting bored and confused because he didn’t really care about anything she was talking about (and probably didn’t know why she would care, either). If a woman talks to a man as she would talk to other women, he may become bored and confused. He doesn’t really care that much about thousands of random, personal tidbits of information; he wants cold, hard facts. Similarly, if a man talks to a woman like he talks to other men, she may feel insulted and even offended. A woman wants more than banter, a movie quote or a one-liner, or advice on how to solve her problems. She wants to feel listened to and empathized with. The reason for this difference goes back to the dawn of human history. According to Barbara and Allen Pease, authors of Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps, our hunter-gatherer ancestors had clear divisions of labor. Men hunted while women gathered.

“He aimed to communicate information; she aimed to build rapport and find common ground.”


::: 22 :::

To be effective hunters, men had to learn to wait for long periods in absolute silence, communicating only with gestures that wouldn’t spook off the intended prey. The man who made a noise – perhaps by asking his nearest neighbor where he got that incredibly stylish loincloth – would reveal their location to prey and predators alike, and risk the safety of the entire band. Women, on the other hand, spent entire days caring for their young, tending to their homes, and gathering plants. As a berry bush couldn’t be frightened away by the sound of a human voice, women had no need to stay silent. They called to each other and entertained themselves with talking. Their voices soothed startled infants and teased smiles out of the sourest faces. Researchers hypothesize that this division of tasks may have led to the differences in brain function that we see today. Yes, male and female brains are different, not just in terms of function but also in terms of composition. For example, according to Dr. Richard Haier and Dr. Rex Jung, male brains have over six times more gray matter than women, but women have nearly ten times the amount of white matter as men. (Gray matter processes information while white matter creates links between those information centers.) Female brains have a thicker corpus callosum connecting each side of the brain, giving them a superior ability to multitask, while a more highly developed right side of the brain in men gives them better spatial skills. And, lo and behold, our brains deal differently with language as well. Female brains have specific speech centers located on both sides of the brain, while the male brain lacks such centers, with speech and language operating mainly in the left side.

“We must adapt the way we talk to suit the person we’re talking to.”

As a result, when it comes to language ability, women are the winners hands-down. Not only do girls outperform boys in English and foreign languages (roughly 75% of all foreign language teachers are female), but they also have a greater command of body language and vocal tone (five tones compared to a man’s three).

Now, this does NOT mean that men should just remain silent and let women do all the talking! All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

::: 23 :::

It simply means that we must adapt the way we talk to suit the person we’re talking to. The best public speakers know this anyway. They suit their language, cadence, and topic to the interests of their audience. They know that the best way to catch their audience’s interest is to talk about something that their audience is vitally interested in, using the same kinds of words that their audience would use and metaphors that they would understand. We intuitively understand this principle, even when we don’t realize we’re doing it consciously. For example, imagine you’re mingling at a business convention. You find out that the person you’re talking to is an avid fly fisherman. You might talk about what it takes to lure a potential customer or how you have to reel ‘em in slow. Next, you bump into someone who you know loves boating. You might talk about riding out rough waters or the need to jettison unnecessary ballast.

“Male and female brains are different, not just in terms of function but also in terms of composition. “

Before you can say, “But that’s just not me!” there’s something you should know. Whether you can adapt the way you talk to suit the person you’re talking to may determine whether or not that person develops a romantic interest in you. That’s because we’re irresistibly attracted to people that we can talk easily with, laugh easily with, and connect easily with. A person who truly “gets” us and speaks “our” language is incredibly attractive … especially for women. For a man, learning that he can give a woman almost as much pleasure through talking with her as he can through sex is a revelation. Louann Brizendine, author of The Female Brain, tells us: “Connecting through talking activates the pleasure centers in a girl’s brain. We’re not talking about a small amount of pleasure. This is huge. It’s a major dopamine and oxytocin rush, which is the biggest, fattest neurological reward you can get outside of an orgasm.”


::: 24 :::

As a result, improving the quantity and quality of his communication can give a man an attraction advantage enjoyed by few. A man who can make a woman feel as if he understands her like no one else is on top of the pack. Just ask Neil Strauss. In his book The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists, Neil describes an interview with Britney Spears in which he manages to make Britney believe that he knows her deepest self and gets her phone number … all through the use of some simple conversational routines. So, if men and women want to connect with the opposite sex, men need to understand the emotional role that language plays for women, while women need to understand the functional role that language plays for men. Men need to talk more about their feelings (to create a feeling of connection with a woman), while women need to speak more literally (so that a man knows what she wants). Now that we know how men and women use communication differently, let’s look at what exactly they’re trying to communicate during the initial stage of attraction.


::: 25 :::

The Stages of Attraction If we looked at how attraction works in most non-human animals, we’d think that the recipe for attraction is simple. When the female member of the species is ready to mate, she advertises her availability through biological cues such as pheromones, tossing her head, or grooming herself. Males flock to her, advertising their genetic superiority through puffing themselves up, thrusting out their chests, or fighting off other males. She then chooses one to mate with – through criteria inconceivable to us humans – and they both live happily ever after. In the non-human animal world, meeting and mating seems so much simpler. Why couldn’t it just be that easy for people? According to Dr. Helen Fisher, author of The Anatomy of Love, it is. Many of our courting staples, like the sexy smile, the head toss, the coy gaze, or adjusting one’s appearance, are seen in animals ranging from possums to baboons. For our fellow mammals, body language can do the trick all on its own.

“Why do some conversations lead to increased attraction, while others fall horribly flat?”

Unfortunately, we humans have one wild card that animals don’t: talking. Dr. Timothy Perper and Dr. David Givens conducted a well-known study of singles bars that concluded there was a definite sequence to the process of attracting a mate. Dr. Perper summarizes their findings in Psychology Today:

“This kind of sequence – attention, recognition, dancing, synchronization – is fundamental to courtship. From the Song of Songs until today, the sequence is the same: look, talk, touch, kiss, do the deed.” (8)


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Here’s how it works. 1. Get the other’s attention. You can’t be attracted to someone whom you can’t see. Where you stand, the size of your gestures, the loudness of your voice, and the visual interest of your appearance (from attractiveness to peacocking) all affect whether or not you get noticed. Dr. Fisher explains how this works specifically for men. Males know that they must first attract the attention of the female through some attention-getting maneuver. Then, they must establish that they are important, also known as establishing social value. Finally, they must convince her that they’re no one to be afraid of, unlike the other creeps and psychotics hitting on her. This three-part message of “I am here; I am important; I am harmless” (26) must be communicated before the real work of attraction can begin. 2. Recognize mutual interest. If an attractive member of the opposite sex catches your eye but immediately glances away, you probably won’t feel encouraged to approach them. However, if the other person responds with a smile, acknowledges you with a nod, or holds your gaze for a moment then quickly looks away and blushes, you know that there’s recognition of mutual interest. This is a crucial stage for women, as their approachability affects whether or not an interested man will approach them. For Scot McKay of X & Y Communications, it was a revelation to find out that most women thought that they were not being approached because men weren’t interested in them. That isn’t it at all, he explains. Most men are scared to death of approaching a woman for fear of rejection. Women must learn to communicate approachability – or “invite” men to approach them with their eyes, a smile, et cetera – if they want interested men to feel comfortable approaching them.


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3. Talking. Here’s the clincher. You must start a conversation with your object of interest for your attraction to go any further. The content of this conversation is of less importance than its ability to stimulate further interest. As Dr. Fisher explains, “The icebreakers are as varied as the human imagination, but the best leads are either compliments or questions, since both require a response. Moreover, what you say often matters less than how you say it” (27). In other words, you’re not talking in order to impress the opposite sex with your clever use of words. Rather, talking gives the other person the chance to observe the myriad bits of information that you’re communicating through your tone, appearance, pacing, eye contact, and much more. Not even the wittiest conversation will interest someone who decides that they don’t like you. Words cannot be divorced from their speaker. Men often obsess over this stage of attraction, which they call the “approach.” They concoct “openers” designed to enlist female participation, such as, “Hey, I don’t want to take more than a minute of your time, but I need a female opinion on something.” Luckily for women, the old-fashioned notion of “pickup lines” has died with the mullet and gold medallions. This newer model of openers gives men a legitimate reason to approach a woman as well as an instant conversation starter. 4. Touching. The man who asks a woman to dance is onto something important. Although he may not realize it consciously, nonsexual touching is an important gateway for more intimate encounters. Women often know this instinctively, as they are normally the first to initiate touch. A woman may touch a man’s arm to get his attention or take his hand to pull him somewhere. Men’s reluctance to touch a female acquaintance (especially a new one) may come down to the political environment we now live in, in which men are often fearful of being slapped with an accusation of sexual harassment. However, men can and should initiate nonsexual touching as well, if only because they hope that an encounter will lead to touching of the sexual kind. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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Here’s why. The man who gets cold feet the instant that he wants to go for a kiss has probably dug his own grave well before that crucial moment. As Savoy in Magic Bullets explains, you must establish that you are comfortable with physical contact from the very beginning of your interaction with her, such that physical escalation not only seems natural but necessary. There are so many ways to touch another person in an innocent and nonsexual way. For example, a man may want to guide her through the crowd with a hand on the small of her back. He may want to touch her lightly on the hand and motion to something he wants her to look at. There’s something naturally sexy about being the sort of person who touches everyone in a non-sexual, supportive way. Put a friendly hand on a new acquaintance’s shoulders. Give someone who’s leaving a brief hug. Even something as simple as shaking hands will break that physical barrier and open the way towards more intimate physical contact. 5. Body synchrony. Also known as “mirroring,” this is the final stage of attraction as described by Perper and Givens. It’s when your movements begin to mirror your conversation partner’s. You may turn to face one another full-on. You may lift your own glass when your partner takes a drink of theirs, and vice versa. You may both lean on one hand as you gaze into one another’s eyes. You may dance in perfect rhythm. Once this stage has been attained, then courtship is complete. The couple who reaches this stage, according to Perper and Givens, are likely to leave together.

Whether or not this theory describes a universal “truth” about human beings, I think we can safely say that most couples do go through these five stages at some point in their courtship.


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For some, the process stops upon completion of Stage 1, in which they can identify an attractive member of the opposite sex that they’d like to meet, but cannot approach them or elicit any signals of mutual interest. For others, the process falls apart at Stage 4, in which they’re able to talk comfortably on a dinner date but feel paralyzed when they want to go for any form of physical touch. But what I’m most interested in – and what you probably are as well – is what helps people get successfully through the talking stage (Stage 3). Why do things go so terribly wrong at the talking phase? Why do some conversations lead to increased attraction, while others fall horribly flat?

“In the non-human animal world, meeting and mating seems so much simpler.”


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Why We Have to Talk to Attract a Mate Before we delve into that question, there’s another question we should be considering:

Why do men and women need to talk at all?

Shouldn’t the information we get through body language and nonverbal communication be enough for us to make a decision about who to mate with … like it is for most other members of the animal kingdom? It’s an interesting question, because the answer will help us understand exactly what we need to communicate to convince a potential mate that we’re right for them. From Richard Dawkins’ concept of the “selfish gene” comes the idea that we select our mates to encourage reproductive success. Mating with the most biologically perfect specimen we can find will ensure the fitness of our genetic offspring and give our own genes the best chance of survival.

“We select our mates to encourage reproductive success.”

The data on what defines physical attractiveness in human beings support that notion. People are attracted to mates who look to be healthy, fertile, and a good genetic bet. For men, it’s a woman’s waist-to-hip ratio (a sign of fertility), glossy hair, clear skin, and bright sparkling eyes (signs of health), and symmetrical features (a sign of good DNA) that sparks an irresistible sexual attraction. For women, it’s a man’s deep voice and square jaw (markers of a high testosterone level), height and musculature (signs of health), and symmetrical features (indicative of genetic soundness) that incite sexual attraction. Shouldn’t that be enough? Who cares what a person has to say if we can already see that they’ll make great mates?


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Surprise, surprise! complicated.

It’s the women that make the whole thing more

You see, for your genes to survive into the next generation and beyond, you don’t just have to have children. You have to make sure that those children survive to grow up and have children themselves. And, unfortunately, men who score highly on all the physical markers for attractiveness – including symmetrical features – are more likely to be more interested in spreading their gene pool than staying with one particular mate. Hence, qualities like creativity, humor and intelligence have an incredibly important role to play in assuring us that a potential mate not only has the external qualifications to bear great offspring, but the internal ones as well. Dr. Steven Gangestad explains: “When we can engage in humor and creativity, they act as an honest signal that we’ve got a reasonably well put together nervous system. They may indicate there’s some developmental integrity underneath our brain.”

“Talking with an attractive member of the opposite sex reveals essential facts about personality flaws or weaknesses.” A physically attractive mate that is also attractive on a mental level is likely to have the psychological toughness to raise a child to maturity. They are more likely to stick around after doing the deed and ensure the success of their genetic stock. So, even though a physically attractive individual may be able to attract sexual partners on looks and body language alone, they are not always the top choice for a long-term mate. Children need smart parents – not just attractive ones. It’s clear now why personality plays such an important role for women. While men can spread their genes by siring offspring with a number of women, women have to pick the men they sleep with carefully. If they get pregnant, they need to know that the man has the mental and emotional integrity to stick with the child and help raise it.


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Of course, there’s another reason as well. If you’re going to spend weeks, months, or even years of your life with someone, you want to make sure that they’re going to be good company! So, coming back to the question of why men and women have to talk with one another at all, we can now see that talking with an attractive member of the opposite sex reveals essential facts about personality flaws or weaknesses. Talking gives us a more complete picture of a mate’s suitableness than the eyes alone. But if you think that all this judgment goes on on a conscious level, you’d be wrong. Most of us aren’t conscious at all of how we form an impression of someone. We just get a gut feeling that either we like them or we don’t. And before I get into the specifics of conscious conversational turn-ons and turn-offs, I want to make a brief detour into the subconscious realm of forming a verbal connection with someone, by explaining a concept called “intuitive communication.”

“Most of us aren’t conscious at all of how we form an impression of someone”


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Intuitive Communication Only a small fraction of communication – both what we communicate to others and what they communicate to us – is under our control. We’ve all heard about advertisers using techniques like subliminal messages and other psychological techniques to manipulate our desire for products without our even being aware of it. But not many of us realize how much information is being passed to us unconsciously during everyday communication other people. I’m not just talking here about nonverbal communication (such as body language). Rather, I’m talking about deeper levels of communication that are occurring at the subconscious level, such as the body synchrony (“mirroring”) I talked about earlier. Let me give you an example. Have you ever been talking with a group when someone new comes up and wants to join in the conversation? You would be more willing to let the person join in if they could match the tone, pace, volume, and feel of how everyone else is talking. If, on the other hand, the new person’s voice sounds too loud, too soft, too fast, or too slow in comparison with everyone else, their presence can add a discordant note to your group dynamic. You may even wish they’d leave!

“Skilled communicators naturally utilize techniques of intuitive communication”

That’s an example of what I mean when I refer to unconscious or intuitive communication. This new person isn’t aware of what they’re communicating (e.g., that they don’t fit in), and you’re not consciously aware of why you wish this new person would leave. You just feel that way. Skilled communicators naturally utilize techniques of intuitive communication to put people at ease.


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In the example above, a skilled communicator may listen to a conversation for a few minutes before joining in and intuitively match the tone, pace, volume, and “lingo” already established by the group.

Unconscious Communication Techniques Here are some more obvious examples of unconscious communication techniques: hypnosis subliminal messages neurolinguistic programming telepathy (or its more factual cousin, “reading someone’s mind”) Of these, the most popular in the field of seduction is neurolinguistic programming (NLP). Popularized by Ross Jeffries (the pickup artist that the lead character of the 1999 movie Magnolia was reportedly based on, and a student of NLP founder Richard Bandler), NLP techniques can be used to arouse a desired emotional state in the person you’re communicating with. If you’re interested in more information on this technique, check out the bonus book on NLP included with your “How to Talk to the Opposite Sex” Membership. If you’re interested in getting real-world experience, you can attend NLP seminars or get certified as an NLP Master Practitioner yourself. Another landmark book on strategic methods of persuasion is Robert Green’s The Art of Seduction. Widely controversial for what some call his amoral methods, Green uses historical examples to illustrate how to uncover a person’s weaknesses and use those weaknesses to develop an unbreakable hold over them. These methods of unconscious communication cross over into dubious moral ground, which is why we aren’t going to cover them more thoroughly here. Instead, I’m going to share with you a form of intuitive communication that NLP practitioners and pickup artists alike agree is crucial to forming a lasting bond with another person… …Rapport. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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Understanding Rapport “Rapport” is the art of feeling “in sync” with another person. It’s that feeling of being on the same wavelength, speaking the same language, connecting or “clicking” with someone. It’s that feeling you get when you’re with an old friend and it’s as if you can read one another’s minds.

“The missing factor is a sense of connection.”

Having rapport with someone is incredibly satisfying. There’s nothing more exciting than finding another person we click with. Finding someone who thinks along the same lines as we do actually validates our identity and proves that we’re not “abnormal” or “weird.” No wonder rapport is such a self-affirming experience!

People with whom we experience amazing rapport tend to become our friends … or our lovers. Imagine this: you’re standing in front of a lineup of ONE HUNDRED attractive, smart, funny and interesting members of the opposite sex. Each one rates a 10/10 on the desirability scale, and they’re ALL interested in YOU. But you can only take home ONE (1). How do you decide which one? Most of us wouldn’t have a clue how to make such a decision logically. Attraction isn’t a matter of the mind; it’s a matter of the gut (or the loins, as the case may be). And at the end of the day, if faced with such a decision, most of us would go with our gut feeling… …Which person looks like someone we could CONNECT with? At the end of the day, a person may be the most attractive, smart, funny, and interesting person in the world, but that’s not quite enough to make us want to establish a relationship with them. The missing factor is a sense of connection. We have to feel that we could get along with this person; we have to feel comfortable around them. We have to feel “in sync” with them. We have to experience rapport.


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When you have rapport with someone, you feel connected at a very deep level. You feel that this is someone you can talk to. This is someone who understands you. We all enjoy being with people who seem to “get” what we talk about and “get” who we are. It requires very little effort to talk with those kinds of people. Being with them just feels natural. As a result, when it comes to making the decision about who we’re going to spend time with, we’re going to choose people that we experience rapport with over people who may be more attractive but just don’t connect with us on the same level. So what are the magic ingredients we need to brew up potent rapport with someone?

Building Rapport You’ll find different rapport-building techniques depending on who you ask. NLP practitioners will talk about mirroring and matching. Pickup artists will talk about wide and deep rapport. Salesmen will talk about active listening and taking a personal interest in the prospect. Rapport is just as important on sports teams as it is in workshops, and, because it’s so important in so many fields, you can learn how to build rapport from nearly anyone. For example, Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends & Influence People is one classic guide to establishing rapport, and for good reason. Being effective at creating rapport will not only help you sell more products and work more effectively as a team, but it will also help you make more friends and influence more people. Observe any public speaker and notice how they quickly establish rapport with their audience through eye contact, inviting participation, and the well-timed use of humor. It’s a crucial skill for anyone in leadership, facilitation, and mediation positions. In order to create an instant rapport with a person, whether they’re a client or an attractive member of the opposite sex, here are ten strategies. Relax and take no notice of any self-consciousness … either yours or theirs.


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Shy or self-conscious people can have a hard time establishing rapport, because they’re so acutely aware of their own awkwardness that the situation becomes even more uneasy. Self-consciousness is the enemy of rapport, so if it happens to YOU, here’s what to do: (1) Get your attention OFF yourself and put it onto the other person. (2) Ignore any negative scripts running through your mind, such as, “That sounded dumb,” or, “They’re getting bored with me.” (3) Focus on breathing slowly and evenly. If YOU notice that the other person is clearly shy or self-conscious, take no notice. Don’t let their nervousness make YOU nervous. Instead, maintain your relaxed, calm, and friendly demeanor and trust that they’ll warm up to you once they relax into your lead. One important facet of eliminating self-consciousness is eliminating the judgmental mindset that puts people into “boxes.” A person can sense when you’ve made a judgment about them – whether it’s good or bad – and they’ll immediately feel more self-conscious. So avoid forming any opinions right away about the people you meet. They’ll appreciate the fact that you didn’t instantly like them or dislike them, but rather took the time to get to know them before deciding.

Warm up to them gradually. We’re automatically suspicious of people who seem too friendly at first. They remind us of used-car salesmen or telemarketers who act as if you’re their best friend in order to sell you something. Studies have reinforced this theory in the realm of personal relationships. Attractive people feel more connected to a stranger who acts indifferent to them at first, but gradually warms up to them over time. This change – from indifference to warmth – is more effective at creating rapport than starting out indifferent and continuing to be aloof, or starting out enthusiastic and remaining friendly.

“You’re a friendly person, and you’d be nice to ANYONE.”


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The reason is twofold. (1)

A change in emotional state is more obvious than a static emotional state, and…

(2)

People will assume that your changed emotional state is due to THEM.

Let me explain this, because it’s really important. If you’re a naturally friendly person, then someone who meets you will feel like you’re being nice to them simply because that’s who you ARE. You’re a friendly person, and you’d be nice to ANYONE, so they’re nothing special. But if you’re indifferent about someone when you first meet them, they will think that, unlike other people, you’re not automatically impressed by their looks. They’ll have to earn your interest. And, if you warm up to them gradually, they’ll feel like they’ve won you over with their sparkling personality, which will make them feel great. We appreciate things we’ve earned much more than things we’ve been given. So give that attractive stranger the chance to earn your interest, and they’ll be more attracted to you for it!

Demonstrate personal interest. Salesmen use this technique to establish rapport before going into their sales spiel. The details that they learn by asking personal questions will help them tailor their approach to sell the product more effectively to that particular customer. But how does this work with attraction? You should already know that nothing destroys your chances of meeting someone more than being seen going up to every single, attractive member of the opposite sex in a room. It’s clear to spectators that you’re not actually interested in any of the people you approached; you’re only after hooking up with anyone. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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Something similar occurs with online dating. Some men send out generic emails to dozens if not hundreds of women in the hopes of getting at least one reply. Smart women look at a generic email and realize that this man probably didn’t even take the time to read her profile; he’s just playing the odds. So make sure that, no matter WHO you approach, you make them feel special. It’s one of those no-brainers: everyone likes to feel special, and no one likes to feel like they’re being used. Demonstrate personal interest in someone you’ve just met by: (1)

Using their name in conversation (e.g., “You know, Cathy, I was talking to some friends the other night and…”),

(2)

Mentioning any personal details that you found interesting or that you already knew about them (such as, “How did that vacation to Hawaii go? I heard from Sam you went”), and…

(3)

Asking targeted questions. By this, I mean that you should NEVER ask the generic questions that everyone asks (e.g., “What’s your name? What do you do?”) but rather ask questions particular to that person and situation, such as, “So are you a fan of ska or did a friend just happen to drag you along to this concert?”

Tell a personal story. Another thing that sends off warning bells is when someone is keen to learn all about us, but they’re not forthcoming about themselves. Perhaps they don’t feel that they’re very interesting, or perhaps they think that by saying nothing about themselves they’re preserving a sense of mystery. Either way, a person that we know nothing about isn’t someone we feel very connected to. If a person tells you something about themselves, then respond with a short, interesting story about something that happened to you. Just to clarify here: when I’m talking about divulging something “personal,” I don’t mean your name, your age, what you do for a living, where you work, or your personal health problems! All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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Rather, I’m talking about something fun and interesting about yourself that gives the other person a clue about the kind of person you are. Personal stories about strange or funny or inspiring experiences, or even things that happened to you as a child, work a treat. When someone can empathize with an experience you’ve had, then you naturally create moments of connection and mutual understanding.

Establish common ground. An important component of rapport is feeling like you’re on the same wavelength. If you have nothing in common, you’re going to have a hard time feeling like you understand one another. So set your first task as discovering what you have in common. Everyone has SOMETHING in common. Maybe you both like single malt whiskeys or are fans of the same obscure band or hate the greasy spoon down the street. Discuss music, food, movies, sports, and hobbies, and you should find at least one thing you have in common. It doesn’t matter how insignificant it is, as long as it’s something.

“Don’t emphasize what you have in common if it’s quite insignificant”

But one quick word of warning: don’t emphasize what you have in common if it’s quite insignificant. For example, there are people who, when you tell them where they’re from, say unthinkingly, “Oh, I know someone from there! Do you know Mr. X?” Needless to say, if you’re from a city of one million, you probably don’t know their friend! Another way to establish common ground is to create an inside joke and refer to it spontaneously over the next few hours or the next time you see them. The benefit of an inside joke (aside from making you two feel united in having your own little secret) is laughter. Laughing together creates a feeling of connection and mutual understanding, which is why a sense of humor is so attractive.


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Demonstrate that you understand them. Language creates community. When you speak in a way that identifies you as being part of a particular group (whether it’s through accent, word choice, jargon or slang), you create an automatic connection with other members of that group. For example, imagine that surfing was your passion: you’d acquire a whole new “language” of surfing terms that would be incomprehensible to anyone who’d never surfed. All of us have terminology that’s specific to our jobs and would be incomprehensible to anyone but colleagues in the field. For a more obvious example of the power of language, go to any multilingual neighborhood: you’ll quickly see how rapidly language divides people into groups of “us” and “them.” You can use the power of language to create rapport. Simply listen to the words the other person uses and incorporate those words in what YOU say – as long as it feels natural to you, of course! Salespeople are particularly adept at this technique. They listen to how people describe their needs, and then they explain how their product fulfils those needs using the very same language that their prospect used. This technique is so successful is because it enables salespeople to hone in on what’s important to their prospect. People don’t buy products (or date) based on the product’s objective merits; they do so because the product (or person) fits into their life in a way that naturally fills one or more needs. Here’s an example of how to use this technique on a date. Imagine that the person you’re sitting across from is telling you about how much they love freedom and independence. They’ve just given you a valuable clue about what’s important to them, so make a mental note to drop those words into the conversation at a later point. Talk about an experience that made you feel “so incredibly free that it was unbelievable,” or talk about how much you’ve enjoyed “having financial independence,” or talk about how great it is to realize that, as a single person, you have the” freedom” to do anything you want or live anywhere you want. The other person will immediately feel that you are on their wavelength.


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Another technique to demonstrate that you truly “get” someone is to affirm that other person’s experiences and opinions without necessarily agreeing. Respond to them with an affirming statement like, “I understand where you’re coming from,” or, “I can see why you would feel that way,” or, “That must have been an awful/wonderful/exciting experience.” By demonstrating your willingness to put yourself in their shoes, you make them feel like you’re the one person who really understands what it’s like to be them. There’s one more technique that’s highly popular when it comes to figuring out how to “speak someone else’s language.” It comes from neurolinguistic programming (NLP), and it involves using different kinds of words – feeling words, seeing words, or hearing words – to match another person’s modality. In its original conception, NLP identified people as belonging to three main types (or “modalities”): auditory, visual, or kinesthetic. An auditory person is primarily oriented towards sounds: they may sound out words aloud when they read, remember tunes easily, and be particularly alert to nuances of tone, volume, and pitch. A visual person is primarily oriented towards sights: they envision things in their head, are more likely to sketch a graph or visual representation of an idea on a piece of paper, and are highly sensitive to subtleties of light, color and shape. A kinesthetic person is primarily oriented towards feelings: they tend to experience their emotions in their body more than their mind and be more attuned to sensations.

“Make them feel like you’re the one person who really understands what it’s like to be them.”

Once you identify a person’s modality, you can choose feeling words, seeing words, or hearing words to communicate your ideas more effectively. For example, you might say, “I see what you mean,” to a visual person, while you would say, “I hear where you’re coming from,” to an auditory person. If you were walking along the beach with your date, you might tell a kinesthetic person that you love the feel of the wind on your skin, while you’d draw the auditory person’s attention to the sound of the waves.


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Regardless of the particular technique you choose to use, notice that the focus is on adapting the way YOU talk to the way the other person talks. We often do this unconsciously. Travelers who live in foreign countries often find that they take on the accent and local dialect of the place they live. Adapting the way you talk makes sense in this kind of environment, because the goal is to be clearly and easily understood. But we also tend to unconsciously mimic the way that our best friends or family members speak, simply because we hear them talk so much that their vocal patterns are ingrained on our brains. This unconscious mimicry, while not deliberate, establishes us as part of the same “tribe.” So there’s nothing unusual or unnatural at all about adapting the way you speak to establish rapport with another person. You can do so naturally, in a way that doesn’t seem obvious or forced.

Listen actively. For communication to be effective, it’s not just about what you SAY. It’s about whether or not the person you’re talking to feels HEARD. One of the most common first-date complaints is that the other person talked too much … or not at all. Both complaints can be remedied by more active listening.

“So listen actively and learn as much information as you can.”

When you’re actively listening, you’re not just quietly letting the other person speak without interruption. You’re processing what they have to say. You’re letting the other person know through your body language that you’re completely involved with what they’re saying. You’re asking questions, following up points, and connecting what they’re saying now to what they’ve told you in the past.

In short, you’re demonstrating that you really care about their point of view and want to make sure that you understand it (regardless of whether or not you agree).


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People like to feel special, and nothing makes people feel more special than when someone takes a real interest in them or is curious about them. In environments like bars and clubs, this kind of genuine interest from someone you’ve just met is rare. You’ll more often find people who are out to “get” something – to get attention, to get a phone number, or get a kiss – and are only talking with you in hopes of achieving their goal. A person who isn’t good at listening will ask questions without really caring what the answer is. Instead of listening to the other person, they’ll spend that time thinking about what they’re going to say next. As a result, they won’t be communicating; rather, they’ll just be going through the motions in hopes of getting laid, getting a second date, or getting a boyfriend/girlfriend at the end of it. So listen actively and learn as much information as you can about the other person through the subtext of the conversation. Pay attention to their body language, the particular words they use, and what they leave out. See if you can sense how they’re feeling. Are they bored and want YOU to entertain them? Are they self-conscious and worried about whether they’re talking too much? Are they more interested in dancing than a conversation? You’ll be amazed at how easy it is to respond intuitively with exactly the right thing once you learn to actively listen!

Mirror and match. “Mirroring” and “matching” are terms from neurolinguistic programming, and they’re two of the most potential tools in the NLP practitioner’s arsenal. NLP was originally developed by Richard Bandler and John Grinder, and the idea sprang from watching therapists like Virginia Satir and Milton Erickson. Bandler and Grinder wanted to know what it was that made these therapists so effective. They noticed right away that “one of the systematic things that Erickson and Satir and a lot of other effective therapists do is to notice unconsciously how the person they are talking to thinks, and make use of that information in lots and lots of different ways” (10). We’ve already talked about techniques to match the content of what a person says (e.g., their “language” or “lingo”), but that’s only part of the picture.


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Another way you can demonstrate to someone that you’re on their wavelength is to mirror their body language and match their tone, pace, and volume. People who feel close and connected unconsciously mimic one another’s patterns of speech. Best friends, husbands and wives, parents and children … all develop clearly-recognizable patterns of speech that brand them as part of the same “tribe.” They may even use similar gestures and facial expressions without ever realizing they’re doing it. In fact, the more time that people spend in one another’s company (long-wed couples are a perfect example), the more they look, talk, and act alike. Mirroring and matching usually occurs on a subconscious level, but NLP practitioners will often deliberately mirror a person’s body language and match their speech patterns in order to develop an instantaneous sense of connection. Try it yourself. The next time you are on a date or have simply met an attractive stranger, notice the speed, pace, and volume of their speech. Then, subtly alter how you’re talking to match them. For example, if the other person is talking fast and loud, then subtly increase your own volume and pace. If the other person is talking slowly and quietly, then slow down yourself and drop your voice. You’ll often do this intuitively anyway, as talking loudly to a quiet person will feel uncomfortable. It’s easy to alter how you talk to match another person without seeming obvious, but it’s slightly more difficult to adjust your body language to mirror the other person’s without being overt. Once you feel comfortable matching another person’s patterns of speech, practice mirroring their body language. Notice their posture, how they are standing, how they are holding their arms, and the angle of their body. Ever so slightly, adjust your body so that you complement their body language rather than contrast it.

“Mirroring and matching usually occurs on a subconscious level.”


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For example, if the other person is sitting back in their chair with their arms crossed, don’t lean forward and stretch your arms out to try and draw them in. Instead, sit back in your chair yourself, and let your hands rest on your lap. If the other person has their body turned away from you and is looking off into the distance as they speak, don’t face them full on and stare into their eyes to get their attention. Instead, angle your body slightly (in a direction that complements theirs) and let your focus drift slightly. By matching their body language in the examples above, you’re allowing them to feel comfortable in their personal space without intruding, but at the same time you’re gently inviting them to relax their defensive posture. As you become more aware of another person’s body language, you’ll find that you pick up on flirtatious signals more quickly. For example, if the other person is leaning close to you, grabbing your hand, or lowering their voice to a more intimate tone, you can’t lose by mirroring their body language. When you lower YOUR voice and lean close to the other person, they feel like you’re responding in the affirmative to their flirtatious overtures.

Go “wide and deep.” If you talk about rapport with pickup artists, you’ll find that it has a very specific context. Pickup artists believe that by covering multiple conversational topics (e.g., “wide rapport”) in some degree of depth (e.g., “deep rapport”), you’ll develop a stronger connection with someone than if you just talk about one or two things at a superficial level. When men approach women, one of their biggest challenges is having something to say. As a result, they often plan a number of topics that they’ve practiced talking about. They may ask a woman about her taste in music, or what movies she’s seen recently, or which clubs she likes best. Unfortunately, this line of questioning can sound more like an interview than a conversation!

“See what else you can connect over.”

That’s where “wide and deep rapport” comes in. By making sure he covers, say, five topics for a few minutes each, a man can create more of a sense of connection through his conversation with a woman. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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Let’s look at what “wide rapport” and “deep rapport” mean individually. A person can establish “wide rapport” through talking about a variety of topics rather than just one. Here’s an example of a situation where a lack of wide rapport led to a failure to attract. Mr. A meets Miss B at a conference. They hit it off, and throughout the entire conference they talk endlessly about their industry and professional interests. At the end of the conference, Mr. A is hoping he can get her phone number … but Miss B simply gives him her business card and thanks him for the opportunity to network. What went wrong? Mr. A, through talking about nothing but work with Miss B, showed her only one side of his personality. She hadn’t talked about anything personal with him, so she saw him as a “one-trick pony,” so to speak. Had Mr. A been able to move the conversation into other areas – such as Miss B’s personal interests, hobbies, and goals – they would have developed a greater knowledge of one another both personally and professionally, which would have served as a better foundation for a potential relationship.

“If you’re going to build deep rapport, you have to ask follow-up questions.”

So make sure that you don’t just talk about one topic with someone. Even if you really hit it off talking about your favorite bands, for example, make a deliberate attempt to move the conversation into other directions. See what else you can connect over. The importance of “deep rapport” is evident in the example I gave at the start of this section, when I talked about the men who have a prepared list of topics they want to cover, and they simply ask a woman one question per topic in order to “check them off.” If you’re going to introduce a topic of conversation, do so in some depth. Don’t just ask “yes/no” questions, like, “Do you like this band?” Instead, ask open-ended questions, like, “What do you think of this band?”


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You might want to start off with a personal story that leads into the question. For example, you might say, “I went to the most amazing ska concert the other night, in this little bar way on the other end of town, and I was bowled over at the difference between hearing ska live compared to a CD. Are you a live music person?” Telling personal stories of your own adds context to a question and demonstrates to the other person that you’re asking the question out of genuine interest rather than as a means of finding something new to say. It can be difficult for some people to know when it’s time to transition from one topic to another. No matter what you do, don’t just get their answer and move to a new topic. If you’re going to build deep rapport, you have to ask follow-up questions, respond to what they said with a personal story of your own, or develop the topic a bit further. You may wish to see a conversational topic NOT as a line of inquiry or way of getting information about the other person, but rather as a theme to be embellished upon and used for verbal bounceback.

“If you’re going to build deep rapport, you have to ask follow-up questions.”

Lead them on an emotional journey. The last aspect of rapport that you should know about is how emotions are transmitted through communication. Imagine that someone is telling you a story about how their car broke down in a bad section of town at 2 a.m. on a Friday night. It was pitch black, and all the shops were closed, with metal grating and big padlocks over their storefront windows. The streets were empty, and there wasn’t a single phone booth in sight. Suddenly, out of the darkness, a group of men emerged, shouting and shoving one another and throwing glass bottles to smash on the sidewalk. Stop. What are you feeling at this instant?


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If your heart is beating a little bit faster, or if you’ve felt yourself tense up, then you’ve just experienced one of the side-effects of conversation… …Emotional involvement. We get emotionally involved in other people’s stories. If they’re telling a scary story, we feel our hearts race and our bodies tense. If they’re telling a heartwarming story, we feel a warm glow and bubble of happiness form in our chests. We can actually induce emotions in other people, simply by telling stories. You might think that your goal, then, would simply be to figure out a story that would make the other person feel the emotion that you want them to feel. But it’s a little more complicated than that. An emotional change in state is more powerful and effective than a static emotional state. For example, if you’re bored and someone comes up to you and starts telling you that in just two minutes there’s going to be a “bestdressed” competition on stage for the prize of an unlimited bar tab, and you’re one of the ten people picked out from the crowd to participate, then you’d be buzzing with excitement! If, on the other hand, you were already having a great time with your friends and flirting with a cute member of the opposite sex, who you were sure was going to ask you to dance in the next couple of minutes, and the same thing happened as in the example above, you’d be excited but not THAT much more excited.

“We can actually induce emotions in other people, simply by telling stories.”

Because of this phenomenon, expert conversationalists lead their listeners through a range of emotions, rather than just a single one. They might tell a happy story, followed by a sad story, followed by an inspirational story, and finished off by a scary story. Or – more commonly – they may tell a single story that combines all of those elements.


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We understand this intuitively. The best stories make us laugh, cry, jump out of our seats, and sigh with relief. They’re more emotionally compelling than superficial comedies that are a laugh-a-minute or emotionally tense dramas that don’t give us any relief. So make sure that your conversation leads the other person on an emotional journey through the four core emotions (sadness, fear, anger, and joy/ happiness) and their variations. (Some psychologists consider disgust and surprise to be core emotions as well.) You’ll quickly find out that what you have to say becomes the center of attention. Now that you have a better understanding of how we unconsciously communicate with other people, let’s take a closer look at what else you reveal to people when you talk. Previously I said that talking with an attractive member of the opposite sex reveals essential facts about personality flaws or weaknesses. But what kind of “personality flaws or weaknesses” are we talking about, exactly?


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It’s All In Your Mind: Conversational Turnoffs So many things can turn a person off when you start a conversation with them. Here are just a few:

Too eager or aggressive

Matter-of-fact, unexciting vocal tone

Nervousness or shyness

Closed or defensive body language

Boring things to say, or nothing at all

If you’re thinking, “Yes, yes, yes! How do I fix those problems?” I want you to hold tight. I’m going to go into each of those points in detail in Part II. But right now I want to talk about the root of all the problems described above: your attitude. Stephen R. Covey once said:

“In the last analysis, what we are communicates far more eloquently than anything we say or do.”

Too many people blame their conversational skills or lack thereof for all of their social blunders. What you said or didn’t say makes a perfect scapegoat for a failed date. It wasn’t you that they didn’t like; it was what you said (or didn’t). Unfortunately, that belief is usually 100% unfounded. You may think that you can make someone like you by saying the right things, or make someone dislike you by saying the wrong things, but a person has already begun forming an opinion of you long before you speak. A member of the opposite sex who’s attracted to you will forgive any number All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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of conversational bloopers if they’re attracted to you in other ways. For example, if you project a positive attitude, self-assurance, and an alluring sexual identity (e.g. masculinity or femininity) through your body language and tonality, you could almost talk about anything and still win the interest of the opposite sex. In How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships, Leil Lowndes tells a story about a man who was holding his audience in thrall at a party. His charisma emanated from across the room. Curiosity piqued, she made her way closer … and discovered that what he was saying was the worst sort of banal party blather.

“What matters is that you project the right attitude.”

Leil’s conclusion? Whatever you say, say it with enthusiasm and confidence. If you’re interested in your subject, others are likely to be interested in it as well. Now, I hope you’re excited to hear this. So what if you’re not the wittiest or cleverest conversationalist out there. It doesn’t matter!

What matters is that you project the right attitude … so that you can eloquently communicate the incredibly sexy and desirable being you are. So right now, before getting into the nitty-gritty of communicating, I want to do an attitude check with you. I want to make sure that you’re approaching the opposite sex with the right mindset, a mindset that will lead to more success with the opposite sex. Let’s start out with what you should NOT be thinking. Here are the 5 Most Common Mental Mistakes that people make when trying to communicate with (and attract) the opposite sex.

Mistake #1: Wanting People to Like You At the most basic, fundamental level in dating, most people (read: people


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who can’t get a date) communicate two things: 1. “I like you.” 2. “Do you like me?” I hope you can hear a big fat siren blaring right now. That was not the correct answer. If you win over someone’s heart by communicating, “I like you. Do you like me?” you’re a rare duck indeed. Valentines and candy hearts may have worked in grade school, but adult men and women are more difficult to please. Trust me: by the time we’re 20, we’ve heard, “I like you,” a zillion times. Hearing, “I like you,” does not endear us to a person. It makes us feel bored and call for the next applicant. Modern media has a lot to be responsible for, and one of those things is propagating an unrealistic view of romance. As much as I love the movie There’s Something about Mary, I would hesitate – and you should, too – to take it as good advice for life. The teen-movie formula in which Geek Boy just has to get the courage to tell Popular Girl that he likes her, in which case she dumps Jock Boyfriend and loves Geek Boy happily ever after, just doesn’t work. It’s not real life.

“Attraction is NOT like a light switch.”

In real life, telling someone about your feelings can wait. There are unpleasant consequences to proceeding too aggressively, and it’s best you learn that now. And don’t worry: it’s not just something human beings have problems with. Dr. Fisher describes the mating habits of the wolf spider, in which a male spider that enters the female’s lair too eagerly gets eaten as a reward.

Hey, at least YOU don’t get eaten if you show your cards too soon! The second mistake is wanting to know if someone likes you before proceeding – or, worse yet, trying to make them like you by being witty, clever, and so forth. Get that question, “Do you like me?” out of your head, and never let it occur to you again if you can help it!


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That single thought is responsible for more rejection than any other. And I’m going to tell you why. Attraction is NOT like a light switch: either on or off. So, to ask someone whether they “like” you or not is like wanting a yes-no answer to the question, “How fast is the universe expanding?” You just can’t do it. Attraction is more like a continuum. At one side of the scale is irresistible sexual, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual attraction. At the other side of the scale is indifference. In the middle you’ll find states like friendship, “would sleep with but not date,” and so forth. When you meet someone new, you start out at the “indifference” end of the scale. They don’t know anything about you. They may have never even seen you before.

“There’s nothing less attractive than someone who’s trying to “buy” your interest.”

To develop deeper stages of attraction, you have to do the work that Perper and Givens describe. You have to get noticed. You have to exchange the preliminary winks and nods. You have to start a conversation. At each stage, the other person is learning more about you, and you’re revealing your mastery of what Tony Buzan calls “Social Intelligence.” In that process, attraction gets created. So, to be quite frank, if you’re waiting for someone to “like you” before getting up the nerve to talk to them, then you’re pretty much guaranteed to wait forever. Furthermore, if you try to make them like you (by, say, bringing them gifts or showering them with compliments) without attracting them first, then you’re doomed to rejection. There’s nothing less attractive than someone who’s trying to “buy” your interest. Really, who even cares whether you “like” them or they “like” you? Those are old fears left over from your school days. As an adult, you have the knowledge and experience to use a better formula.


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What YOU care about communicating is this: 1. “Do you interest me?” 2. “Come on!” I can guarantee you that if you switch what you’re communicating from “I like you” to “Do you interest me?” and from “Do you like me?” to “Come on!” you will automatically experience a more amazing degree of success with the opposite sex than you ever imagined. Here’s why. Studies have shown that the most effective attitude to display in an initial encounter with an attractive member of the opposite sex is indifference, even at the risk of appearing rude. Then, you should gradually “warm up” to that person, so that they feel that they have “earned” your interest. Highly attractive people are used to admiring suitors displaying a passionate interest in them. But although all of us appreciate being admired for our good looks, we want to be admired most for the people we are inside. Take a moment to imagine what a super-attractive person must experience. The better looking you are, the fewer people will look past that attractive surface and really see your deepest, innermost self. Instead, everyone you meet seems to compliment you on your looks or “like” you before they’ve even gotten to know you. As a result, you start to think that people don’t really like you; what they like is how you look and what advantage your company can confer. You may even start to get resentful or hostile towards these “groupies.” All these people pretending to like you don’t really know you. They just know what you look like, or the public persona you portray.

“We want to be admired most for the people we are inside.”

BUT … if a person comes along who doesn’t seem that interested in you, suddenly your attention is sparked. You think, “What does this person have that makes them think that they don’t have to pay attention to me? They’re not even as attractive as I am.” Your interest is piqued. You want to get to know this stranger who’s so indifferent to your wiles. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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As you chat with this indifferent stranger, you find that certain things you say make them light up. You feel rewarded for coming up with interesting tidbits of information. Soon, you have them laughing and smiling at you like you’re the most special person in the world. And you’re sure that, unlike most other people you meet, this person is behaving that way because they’ve finally gotten to know you. You’ve earned their interest and attention. This technique is also called qualification, and it’s an incredibly powerful way to get the interest of highly sought-after members of the opposite sex. By making someone qualify themselves to you – e.g., prove to you why you should bother talking with them – you make them feel more invested in the process of creating attraction. We intuitively know that investing our own effort in getting something makes that something more valuable. For example, imagine that someone handed you a piece of delicious chocolate cake. You would enjoy eating the cake, but you wouldn’t appreciate it as much as if you’d had a hand in baking it yourself. Now, imagine that you helped a friend bake the cake. As you sat down together to feast on the first slice, imagine the feeling of reward and pleasure you’d experience.

“And we all like having fun, right?”

Similarly, you should never be afraid of asking your conversational partner to put in a little effort. Don’t be the one to carry the entire conversation. You’re not their paid entertainment, so don’t perform to make them laugh. Instead, let them show you the amusing things they have to say. Reward their participation with a warm smile, a laugh, positive body language, or even a tongue-in-cheek compliment.

Notice that this is not the same as “playing hard to get.” The person who plays hard to get is not just selfish but arrogant, because they feel like they must keep the focus on themselves. Their resistance is artificial, because there is usually no real reason to make things difficult for the other person. Playing hard to get for the sake of playing games will just attract that least attractive of life forms on the dating planet: players.


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A person who understands how qualification works is beyond such games. They want to know whether the other person interests them, and so their initial indifference is genuine. The eventual reward is also mutual. An interesting conversation works to both people’s benefit. So, once you’ve replaced your thinking from, “I like you,” to, “Do you interest me?” your next task is to switch from wondering, “Do you like me?” to communicating, “Come on!” The insecure person waits for a green light from the object of their attraction before they make their next move. They want to know how to tell for certain whether or not the other person likes them, so that they can eliminate any risk of rejection. In the game of life, never taking any gambles also means you end up with what you started out with: nothing. Look, whether or not they like you by this point is actually irrelevant. What matters more is whether you’ve just had fun together. If you did have fun in your conversation, then it’s very likely that you’ll have fun if you see each other again. And we all like having fun, right? So if you’re having fun, and if the other person is interesting, then offer them an invitation.

“Come on, let’s head to get something to eat.” “Come on, let’s try somewhere else.” “Come on, let’s go find a coffee.” Notice that you’re not asking them to leave with you. You’re suggesting a plan of action that sounds fun to you. If it sounds fun to them, all they have to say is, “Sure!” They don’t even have to think about it.


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Even if they turn the invitation down, you have communicated it in such a way that it’s the activity that they’re declining – not you personally. That’s why vague questions like:

“Do you want to hang out sometime?”

“Would you like to see me again?” or

“Do you want to do something else after this?”

tend to evoke rejection. When you ask a question like one of the above, the subtext is asking, “Do you like me?” Saying yes to one of these vague questions doesn’t just commit the other person to doing something with you again. It basically makes them tell you up front whether they’re romantically interested or not. And, unfortunately, at this stage in the attraction game, the answer is likely to be no. So forget about finding out whether or not that person likes you, and instead find out if they want to accompany you on a fun activity. Ideally, it should be something you plan to do anyway. For example, if you’re hungry and want to find somewhere to eat, then go and find something to eat even if they turn your invitation down. See if you can hook up together later in the evening. That point is important. If you say that you want to go do something, and you don’t simply because the other person turned the invitation down, you’re going to look like a fool. If you’re with a group, go ahead and ask someone else. If you get several other people going with you, chances are the person you really want to come will change their minds.

“What matters more is whether you’ve just had fun together.”

Lastly, being the one who’s always suggesting something fun to do (and telling everyone, “Come on!”) establishes your leadership qualities and sets you on the road to higher social value. No one is more fun to know as the person who’s always thinking up cool things to do. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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Now that you’ve got the messages of “Do you interest me?” and “Come on!” in your conversational toolkit, let’s take a look at another common conversational mistake: obsessing over what you say.

Mistake #2: Worrying About What to Say I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard someone wish aloud that a particular conversation had gone differently. I’d be a millionaire. Have you ever wished that? If only you could have anticipated what they were going to say, formulated the perfect come-back, or been able to rewind things back to the beginning, then you would have been able to make things turn out differently…. I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again. What you said probably wasn’t the issue. It was the 1001 other things going on. Your lack of confidence. An unfortunate hesitation. A certain facial expression. It’s not what you say that matters the most. It’s YOU. The whole package. The tone, the pace, the gestures, the facial expressions, the energy conveyed. To show you what I mean, go and turn on the television. Now press the “Mute” button on the remote. Watch for a few minutes. Can you understand the people on-screen are feeling/thinking?

“Most of the subtle ways we communicate are lost even on us.”

Most of us can easily guess what’s happening in a conversation even if we can’t hear what’s being said. I first found this out by watching movies in foreign languages. Even though I couldn’t comprehend of a word of what was being said, I found that I could actually enjoy the movie and “get” most of what was going on.

In a conversation, you actually communicate energy. Ask any actor. No matter how you may feel yourself, personally, you can communicate happiness, sadness, excitement, surprise, and so forth. As human beings, we have an infinite capacity for communication using our All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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whole bodies. Most of the subtle ways we communicate are lost even on us. For example, Richard Bandler and John Grinder, founders of the field of neuro-linguistic programming, believe people tend to organize the world through one of their major senses: kinesthetic, auditory, or visual. Through simply observing subtle non-verbal cues such as eye movements, we can lock into another person’s representation of reality. We can actually read their thoughts, albeit in a limited way. If you’re worried about saying the right thing, guess what will get conveyed? Not the sentiment of the words you chose, but rather your worry. Think about it. Imagine that you’re on a date. Your date starts talking about a subject that you know nothing about – neuro-linguistic programming, for example – and you don’t want to let on that you don’t know what they’re talking about. Instead, you become evasive and make vague comments that you hope won’t be taken as ignorance. What matters more is whether you’ve just had fun together.The fact that you’re hiding something, and the fact that you feel nervous. So all of your carefully-chosen vague words did you no good, because you communicated the exact opposite of what you wanted to communicate. A much better solution would have been to convey interest and ask your date questions about what neuro-linguistic programming is and what it’s about. Your date would pick up on the fact that you’re interested in what they’re saying and that you’re intelligent enough to try and understand a new idea, both of which are highly attractive qualities!

“You’re still communicating even when you’re not saying a word.”

Any time you get lost in trying to think up the right thing to say, you end up committing a multitude of communication sins. You stop making eye contact. Your face tends to tense up or frown. You retreat inside your head. The other person realizes that you’ve stopped listening. You can’t catch their subtle nonverbal cues, because you’re too lost in your thoughts. Look, you’re still communicating even when you’re not saying a word. And, unfortunately, what you communicate in spite of yourself isn’t always that


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attractive. Have you ever had a hard time listening to someone because you’re too busy thinking of what you want to say next? That’s one of the biggest no-nos in communication, as well as one of the most common. You don’t talk to someone just to hear yourself speak; you talk to someone because you also want to hear what they have to say! So let’s address the real problem. You worry about what you’re going to say next because: (1) You don’t trust yourself enough to convey exactly what you mean, (2) You don’t know have a clue what to say, or (3) You are afraid of awkward silences. Trusting yourself in a conversation is something that comes with practice. The more conversational successes you have, the more you’ll realize that you can make small talk, raise a difficult subject, or say what another person needs to hear.

“A quiet moment or two won’t make you a bad conversationalist.”

Learning to really mean what you want to say will help you in this regard. Like an actor, you can place your intention on the words you’re saying so that you convey the correct emotional energy.

For example, maybe you want to give someone a compliment. You could (a) try to think up a compliment that would convey the perfect cocky-funny air of yes-I’m-complimenting-you-but-no-I’m-not, or (b) say whatever comes out of your mouth with a genuine smile and a wink. Your body language conveys your sentiment more powerfully than the words you use. A friend of mine has used this technique to make friends with people that she didn’t particularly like but had to get along with for various reasons. Regardless of what she was talking about to them, she projected the thought, “You’re a nice person, I like you, I trust you, and I know we’ll work great together.”


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Because she was able to communicate her positive intentions through her body language, the other person became instant friends with her – regardless of her real feelings. Now, if your real concern isn’t that what you say will be taken wrong, but rather that you have nothing to say at all, here’s some good news. According to Tony Buzan, the brain is four to ten times as fast as the mouth, which means that you have ample time to process a response without worrying about it consciously. It’s an ability that delighted me when I first discovered it through collegiate debate. All I had to do was open my mouth, and the ideas that flew out – without my conscious mind having ever considered them – were amazing.

“Communicate positive intentions through your body language.”

Even though the time lapse between hearing a person finish their thought, and being required to pick up the conversation yourself, is miniscule, it’s ample enough for the brain to formulate a response. Lastly, the fear of awkward silences is an easy one to cure. Next time you’re in a conversation, just let a silence fall deliberately. See what happens.

We’re more afraid of silences in a conversation than we need be. Pauses give both parties time to think, digest what’s been said, and take in what’s happening around them. A person who is comfortable with those silences, rather than seeking to cover them up, actually displays admirable confidence and self-assurance. A quiet moment or two won’t make you a bad conversationalist. But worrying unduly about what you’re going to say next will.

Mistake #3: Expecting People to Tell the Truth “What?!” you might be thinking. “Of course people always tell the truth! A nice person wouldn’t lie, would they?”


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The beauty of the English language is that there are infinite ways to convey meaning. We can be direct or indirect. We can use a metaphor or simile. We can suggest or imply. We can omit relevant information. We can fudge the facts or say that we were just “being polite.” The fields of marketing and public relations wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for this “fuzzy” characteristic of language. You can’t be held responsible for what people thought you said – at least, politicians seem to think so. So when it comes to attracting members of the opposite sex, realize that you’re communicating for entertainment purposes. Trust what other people tell you as much as you’d trust Jon Stewart for real news.

“Try to avoid taking other people so literally.”

You can see the truth of this principle most clearly in online dating. Some profiles include deliberate mistruths (usually regarding age and weight), while other profiles omit certain crucial data (like age and weight). Other profiles are factually accurate but convey an image that doesn’t match the person in real life.

When it comes to describing ourselves to others for romantic purposes, we’re not always that good at it. We know that we’re supposed to “market ourselves” or show off our best side, but we tend to exaggerate the qualities that we think the opposite sex will like and downplay the qualities that we think they won’t. The result is that no one is ever completely who they appear to be at first. You only get to know the “real” person through interacting with them over time. Self-description isn’t the only place where untruths happen. Most people don’t lie deliberately, but when they do it’s often for a good reason: to spare someone’s feelings. The man who says, “Can I buy you a drink?” prefers to hear the woman respond, “Oh, I’m so sorry, I was just leaving,” rather than, “Actually, I’d prefer to leave the bar than be approached again by slime like you.” Being polite and putting your best foot forward both tend to involve some unwanted but necessary fudging of the facts, but there are other instances where deliberate lies are used to manipulate. I remember one young man who believed it when a girl told him that her parents had forbidden her to


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date until she reached 18. He continued to smile and tell her that he was prepared to wait forever, even while she – and all her friends – knew that he’d been played the fool. To avoid getting your heart broken or being played the fool, try to avoid taking other people so literally. Instead, focus on the intention behind the communication. For example, a person who tells you that they’re forbidden to date is actually telling you that they’re not available. A person who tells you that they already have a boyfriend/girlfriend is saying the same. In fact, the statement “I have a boyfriend/girlfriend” is often used as a brushoff, when the speaker doesn’t want to be bothered. It is only true half the time—if that.

“Focus on the intention behind the communication.”

How you take their comment determines how much of an obstacle it is. If someone runs the “I have a boyfriend/girlfriend” line on you, you can simply respond, “That’s good, because you’re too short/blond/funny-looking for me,” and carry on with what you were talking about.

As you start to focus less on what people say, you will learn how to ultimately uncover what they mean, which is often something very different. That knowledge can give you an insider advantage when it comes to breaking the mold and bringing them face to face with someone who knows them almost as well as they know themselves.

Mistake #4: Hiding Your Thoughts Your thoughts are never hidden. I know the old cliché about thinking what you want in the “privacy of your own mind,” but let me assure you: when it comes to talking face-to-face with someone else, you reveal much more than you know. Tony Buzan, author of The Power of Social Intelligence: 10 Ways to Tap into Your Social Genius, explains: “Your body language reveals your true thoughts and feelings, despite yourself” (19).


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“Talking faceto-face with someone else, you reveal much more than you know.”

For example, your vocal tone may quaver, showing that you’re feeing strong emotion. You may blink constantly, indicating that you may not be telling the whole truth. You may flush, showing that you’re embarrassed. You may drop your eyes, showing that you want to hide something. Your shoulders may slump, showing that you’re feeling tired or discouraged.

Our thoughts are always visible in our body language. The signs may be subtle, but for the trained observer they’re always there. So if you’re the sort of person who believes that other people won’t know how you feel until you tell them, then this is an important message for you. It’s my firm belief that we should never try to hide or resist our thoughts. Squashing your feelings to keep another person from picking up on them will just result in embarrassment on both sides. Instead of denying your feelings, you should use positive self-talk to communicate the message you want to communicate. Here’s an example of how this works. Betty was working alongside a dead-sexy colleague on a project. When she was sitting next to him and trying to brainstorm ideas for the project, all she could think about was his body being so close to hers and how much she wished he would touch her. As a result, her face became slightly flushed. Her voice rose slightly in pitch and was slightly faster than usual. Her colleague, noticing how disconcerted she seemed to be working with him, assumed that she was intimidated working with someone so high in the company and felt amused. Betty could have tried zillions of tricks to hide her attraction, but ultimately there was nothing she could do about the involuntary physical reactions that revealed her nerves.


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Here’s what Betty should have done. The next time she worked with him, Betty was prepared. She knew that it was going to be impossible to focus on the project and not him, so she gave her thoughts a new angle. Instead of focusing on his physical attractiveness, Betty focused on her admiration for her colleague’s skills and intelligence. As she watched him speak to her, she consciously thought to herself, “You’re so smart. I love the way your mind words.” She even found herself complimenting him on the way he’d organized the project and was surprised to see him smiling. At the end of the meeting, he lingered to tell her how much he enjoyed working with her. “It’s great to work with another sharp mind like yours,” he said. Why did this strategy work? Because resistance is never as effective as creating a diversion. Try not to do something, and you’ll spend the entire time fighting yourself. Try not to think about something, and your mind will return to it again and again. But give your mind a new activity, like thinking positive thoughts, and you’ll convey what you want every time. Here’s another common example.

“When you think positive thoughts, people can see the difference.”

Let’s say that you’ve just gone to a party where you don’t know anyone. The minute you walk through the door, you immediately feel self-conscious. Your heart starts to race. Your palms start to sweat. To hide your nervousness, you walk quickly into the crowd and make your way over to the refreshments table. You focus on pouring yourself a glass of punch as if it were the most important thing in the world. You think that no one noticed your discomfort. But for everyone else at the party, what you’re doing is perfectly obvious. You embarrassed and trying to hide it. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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What would have happened if you would have tried thinking different thoughts instead? This time, when you walk through the door, you still feel selfconscious as everyone’s gaze lights on you. Your heart starts to race. “Oh no,” you find yourself thinking, “I don’t know anybody. They’re all probably wondering, Who invited them?” But this time you catch yourself feeding your nervousness. This time, you decide to take your thoughts in hand. You deliberately say to yourself in your head, “This is a nice group of people. Maybe I’ll meet some new friends. That group over there is laughing like crazy. Yum, it looks like there are refreshments, too. Wow, I think I’m going to like this party.” And, with those thoughts complete, you walk into the crowd. Do you think your body language would be any different in the second example? I can assure you that it would be! When you think positive thoughts, people can see the difference. You stand up straighter. You keep your head up. You aren’t afraid of looking at people. You smile. Your eyes sparkle. You project confidence, no matter how nervous you might feel underneath. It’s quite simply amazing! You can affect your body language with the thoughts you think. So if you’re going to become an excellent communicator, you have to take your thoughts in hand. You can’t go wrong if you ensure that what you’re telling yourself in your mind is the very same message that you’d like to convey to the world.

“You can affect your body language with the thoughts you think.”


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Make a commitment to ignore negative thoughts like, “That cute guy/girl isn’t going to like me,” and instead replace them with more empowering thoughts like, “I wonder if that cute guy/girl is interesting. I’m going to go check them out.” Your body will respond confidently … without you having to do a thing!

Mistake #5: Trying to Prove Yourself “You don’t even know me yet! You haven’t even given me a chance!” The television drama caught my attention. I paused just long enough to see a red-faced woman crying as her ex-lover walked out the door. She sank to her knees, sobbing. “But you didn’t even get to see how good I could be for you….” I turned the television off, shaking my head. Poor woman. She thought she’d been dumped because the other person hadn’t had enough time to get to know the “real” her. She thought that all it would take to get back together was to show him what a great girlfriend she could be. But that wasn’t it at all. If someone is not attracted to you, trying to “prove” yourself to them just digs a deeper hole. You don’t have to prove yourself to anybody. The mere fact of trying reveals a deep-rooted insecurity. May you never feel like you have to prove yourself to the opposite sex. A secure and confident person doesn’t need to make any effort to prove themselves, because they know that they have the ability to do the job. They know that they’ll make a good boyfriend/girlfriend/ partner. They know that they’re attractive enough, sexy enough, and fun enough to be a great partner to whomever they choose.

“May you never feel like you have to prove yourself to the opposite sex.”

Throw away the unhelpful belief that people will like you if only they would get to know you a bit better. First impressions take just seconds, and they’re amazingly accurate. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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Be the real you from the start, and you won’t have to wait long at all for people to like you. This is harder than you might think. Most of us act in an artificial way around the opposite sex because we’re trying too hard to be cool, confident, and collected. Trying too hard is a recipe for disaster. It’s easy to tell when a person is trying too hard to come across a certain way, and it’s not hard to guess that they’re doing so for your benefit. Not only does that make them uncomfortable to be around, but no one wants to talk with someone who makes every conversation into a performance. It’s too much work! It’s so much more fun to talk with people who are laid back, relaxed, and not too fussed about things. Think of how you’re like around your friends. You don’t worry too much about what you say around them, do you? As a result, you’re natural, fun, and lively. You’re superb company. And that’s the secret to curing yourself of the tendency to try too hard. Be with other people the same way you are with your best friends. Treat them as if you already know them.

“Be with other people the same way you are with your best friends.”

Treat them as if they’re long-lost friends that you’re catching up with after a long time apart. Treat them as if there’s no question that they enjoy your company, and vice versa. If you can master this technique, you’ll stop seeing your first conversation with a person as an “audition” for the role of being their date.


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Instead, you’ll start enjoying talking with attractive members of the opposite sex for the sake of having a great conversation! If you can have fun with new people – whether they’re attractive singles or not – you’re going to increase your own attractiveness immeasurably. There’s just something about a person who’s genuine, relaxed, and enjoying themselves that’s sooo sexy. Treating new people like they’re already your friends has another wonderful benefit. You know how your friends are your friends because, well, you just like hanging out with them? You don’t “get” anything out of your friends. That’s not what friendship is about. You don’t expect anything from them aside from the pleasure of their company. That’s a beautiful attitude to have when it comes to talking to an attractive member of the opposite sex. If you’re talking to an attractive member of the opposite sex just because it’s fun and you enjoy their company, they’re going to feel just as relaxed around you. They’re not going to feel any pressure. They’re not going to sense that you want them to feel a particular way about you. In such an environment, free from expectations, free from the pressure to “attract” someone, genuine chemistry can bloom. And that’s the secret. Don’t console yourself with the belief that you really are a great catch and it’s just that no one has recognized it yet. Stop thinking so much about it. Stop trying so hard. Stop trying to prove yourself! Instead, do what attractive people do. Start having more fun with people. Start making more friends. Start laughing more, relaxing more, and enjoying conversations for the sake of good company. I can assure you: it’s so much less work, and so much more fun!


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It’s All In Your Mind: Conversational Turnons Now that I’ve talked about some things not to do and how to fix them, I want to talk about some things that really work in conversations. These key techniques will help you become a more intuitive, masterful communicator in any situation, from a party to a professional event. If you apply them diligently, you’ll find that people will not just enjoy talking to you. They’ll go out of their way to talk to you! That’s because very few people are intuitive communicators. Very few people know how to make the person they’re talking to feel good. A really great communicator will make you feel like you’re the most important person in the world when you’re talking to them. They’ll really appreciate what you have to tell them.

“Very few people are intuitive communicators.”

Sadly, most people are too worried about how they’re coming off, what they’re going to say next, or what people think of them to be able to do this! Let me explain it this way.

If you find that you seize up in conversations because you’re worried about what the other person is thinking, or whether you’re going to run out of things to say, then the solution is actually not the obvious one (e.g., being more confident and having more things to say). Being confident and having things to say are part of it, certainly, but they’re not everything. I could tell you exactly what to say, how to dress, and how to stand and hold your body, but, to be perfectly frank, that’s the superficial stuff. That’s the stuff to work on once you’ve mastered the attitude … an attitude that comes from understanding five simple keys to great communication.


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The five keys are: 1. Match the mood. 2. Find out how you’re similar. 3. Be interested in them. 4. Let your body do more of the talking. 5. Project positive energy. If you put some effort into mastering these five keys, you’re going to find that a lot of the things that you’ve been worrying about – like running out of things to say – are really going to be irrelevant. You’re going to find that your body language automatically corrects itself. You’re going to find that good communication becomes intuitive. And you’re going to start having fun when talking with the opposite sex! Does that sound great? If so, here’s how to do it!

Key #1: Match the Mood Listen to anyone talk to a baby, and you’ll soon see why the quality of your voice matters just as much (if not more than) what you say. Tell a baby, “You’re so pretty,” in a flat, monotone voice, and you’re much more likely to evoke a frown than a smile. But say something completely boring like, “The sky is blue,” in a high-pitched, sing-songy voice, and you’re likely to evoke a squeal of laughter! The way in which you say something creates a mood that can be completely unrelated to the content of what you said. Our ability to distinguish the difference between mood and content enables us to understand subtleties like irony, sarcasm, and humor. (Tell someone, “Yeah, you’re just the best,” in a flat voice with your eyebrows narrowed, and they’re not going to feel pleased by the compliment!) Our ability to manipulate that difference helps us become superb conversationalists.


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People who are okay or bad at talking spend most of their time focusing on what they’re going to say next. They may even spend days thinking about the perfect thing to say to someone. Some people even prefer emailing or text messaging to talking to someone in person, because at least then they can revise the written word before sending it. If that describes you, then it’s about time that you focused more on the mood you convey than the words you say. Someone who is superb at communicating knows how to match the mood of a conversation they’ve just entered. When you match the energy of a group, you show that you have the social intelligence to fit in. For example, if everyone is talking in an animated, lively way, you’ll want to match your volume and enthusiasm to their level! If, on the other hand, everyone is talking in a polite, demure way, you’ll want to soften your voice and slooooow down.

“Join your vocal tone to theirs, and you’ll harmonize.”

Learning how to match the mood of a group is especially important at parties or clubs, where you may want to join a group of people without being invited. Join your vocal tone to theirs, and you’ll harmonize. Don’t make the effort to match your tone to theirs … and your voice is going to be the discordant note in their music.

In fact, speech has a distinctively musical quality about it. According to communication expert Leil Lowndes, “small talk is not about facts or words. It’s about music, about melody. Small talk is about putting people at ease. It’s about making comforting noises together…” (48). So listen before you leap into a conversation, so that you can match the mood of your conversational partner. If they’re speaking softly and quietly, then lower your voice and speak more softly. If they’re speaking passionately, then let loose yourself. You’ll find that people warm up to you much more easily. Next, once you’ve gotten to a comfortable level with someone, you can use your vocal tone to change the mood.


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Allow your voice to drop slightly and become slower and huskier if you want to make the conversation feel more intimate. Let warmth and “smile” come through your voice if you want to show the other person that you’re enjoying their company. Always be careful with sharp words, harsh tones, or loud exclamations, as those can break an intimate mood irrevocably. As you learn to control your vocal tone, you’ll find that talking can be as powerful and persuasive as song. Just as hearing a song can bring its listener to tears or rouse them to anger, so your voice can stir emotions in the person you’re speaking to.

Key #2: Find Out How You Are Similar We experience chemistry with people who “click” with us. It seems effortless talking with them. We “get” one another instantly, and seem to be able to understand the other’s thoughts without speaking. It’s possible to establish a level of chemistry in any conversation simply by finding out what you share in common with someone. Instead of wasting time with the same old boring and unproductive questions (like “What’s your name?”, “What do you do for a living?”, or “Where are you from?”), hone in on an interest that you have in common. Maybe it’s an interest in a shared designer, in a certain sport, or in a certain hobby. Whatever it is doesn’t matter, but what does matter is that the topic gets both of you excited.

“The more you find out that you have in common, the more connected you’re going to feel.”

By talking about things you can connect over first, you establish a degree of familiarity and comfort. You both have enough knowledge of the topic that you can ask one another questions and share personal stories. The more you find out that you have in common, the more connected you’re going to feel.


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Think about this. Have you ever met someone that you found out – completely unexpectedly, of course – had something mundane in common with you? Maybe you’d gone to the same school, or lived in the same neighborhood, or worked at the same company at a certain point, or knew the same person. Don’t you feel a sense of instant connection? You feel like you’ve become immediate friends, even though you know nothing else about that person. Creating a sense of connection by finding out what you have in common is hundreds of times more effective than compliments. Here’s an example to show you why. Imagine that a guy spots an attractive girl reading a book at a coffee shop. He wants to approach her, but he needs a reason to do so. His first thought is to go up to her and say:

“Similarities help you establish that you’re on a level playing field.”

“Hi! I couldn’t help but notice you sitting here. You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.” Luckily, our hero is smart enough to know that there’s no way she’d fall for something as obvious as a compliment. His next thought is to go up to her and say: “Hi! I couldn’t help but notice you sitting here. You’ve got great taste; I come here all the time, too.” This is better, because it establishes some degree of familiarity based on the fact that they both drink coffee at the same coffee shop. However, there isn’t much else you can say about being regulars at the same coffee shop. It doesn’t open anything up for discussion. Our hero casts about for some other similarity that he can establish a connection with. Finally, he notices the title of the book she’s reading, and he smiles. He’s got the “in” he was looking for. He goes up to her and says: “Hi! I couldn’t help but notice what you were reading. You’ve got great taste; I’ve got almost every book by that author. How’d you get into that series?”


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Mission accomplished. You can find something you have in common with just about anyone. Maybe you recently went to the same movie. Maybe you both read the newspaper today. Really, nothing is too insignificant, as long as it leads to a stimulating conversation. You can increase your chances of being able to connect with a new conversational partner by being a well-rounded person. Read the newspaper. Know what movies are playing. Read bestsellers. Know what people are talking about. The broader your life, the more things you can talk about. The more limited your life, the narrower the range of things you can talk about. There is another reason that it’s important to establish straightaway in the conversation that you have something in common. Similarities help you establish that you’re on a level playing field. In other words, they’re not better than you, and you’re not better than them. You’re not putting them on a pedestal, nor are you looking down at them. People like to be liked, and they like to feel connected. In fact, studies show that we are much more likely to like people who like us (reciprocal liking), and who are like us (similarity).

“People like to be liked, and they like to feel connected.”

But problems occur when you ASSUME that someone is above you in class. You treat them differently. You look for proof that you’re not worthy of their company. And, of course, that’s exactly what you find. Your body language projects your belief that you’re “less” than they are. They dismiss you because you’ve already dismissed yourself. So looking for your similarities with another human being helps you feel on an equal footing with them. They’re no different from you. As the Collin Raye song goes: All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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“I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same things, too. So we’re really not that different, me and you.” You’re not that different from the people you meet on the most fundamental level of all: you’re both human beings with the same desire to love and be loved. Remember this, and you’ll be able to create a connection with anyone.

“You’ll be able to create a connection with anyone.” Key #3: Be Interested in Them People are so interesting. If you’ve ever people-watched, you know what I’m talking about. No matter how intimately familiar you are with the workings of your own mind, other people continue to surprise you and teach you things you didn’t know. A healthy interest in other people distinguishes the really great conversationalists from the merely average. The true social butterflies are people who like other people. They’re interested in what other people have to say. They’re interested in other people’s experiences. They’re less concerned about themselves than they are about the other person’s thoughts and feelings. It’s little wonder that broadcaster and confidence tutor Jeremy Milnes (as reported by Tom Geoghegan of the BBC) says that the three areas that most people need work on are “listening, asking questions and not trying too hard to be the center of attention.” If you go into a conversation showcasing The Great YOU, then it’s little wonder you don’t experience the kind of success you’d hope for. A conversation is not a one-sided job interview. You’re not on trial! Focusing on what you’re going to say, where you’re going to lead the conversation, and what the other person is thinking of you, just takes you away from the experience of being there and connecting with another human being.


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Remember that the other person is just as concerned as you about how they’re coming off. They’re also wondering if they are saying the right thing or putting out the right vibes. Even super-attractive people who appear to have unshakeable confidence can be insecure underneath it all. So be the one who’s secure and confident enough in yourself that you don’t need to be the center of attention. Be the one who’s relaxed and natural while everyone else is trying too hard to impress people. Really get to know someone, and let them show you why they deserve your interest.

“People like people who are interested in them.”

When you listen to someone and draw them out, you display enormous confidence, because it indicates you don’t have to prove yourself. You’re making an investment in finding out what makes them tick. This means that you are – subtly, of course – positioning yourself as the “chooser,” which is the position of greatest power in the dating world.

The beauty of this approach is that people like people who are interested in them. By being genuinely interested in them (not just out for a phone number or sex) you take the conversation to a deeper level of integrity. You establish respect straight off the bat. Paradoxically, you become the one controlling the conversation by the simple virtue of putting the spotlight on them. This is a particularly good technique for men. According to John Gray, author of Mars and Venus on a Date, men should focus on listening and asking questions on a date, rather than talking about themselves. This comes back to the gender difference I described earlier. Men see conversation as purposeful. The point of talking with a woman is to show her what a good potential lover he could be. As a result, men have a tendency to monopolize conversations. They assume that if a woman has something to say, she’ll break in. For women, on the other hand, conversation is about connection. It’s about getting to share thoughts and feelings. Because she is also interested in getting to know the man, she’ll actually encourage him to go on and on about himself.


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She won’t interrupt or break in, because that would be rude. Yet, at the same time, she’ll feel like all he thinks about is himself. That’s why the man needs to take the responsibility of passing the conversation back to the woman by asking her direct questions and actively listening to her response. You can look at it this way. A good conversation is like a tennis game. If you hold onto the ball and refuse to give it up, you’re not going to have any fun. You have to pass the ball to the other person. Then, they’ll hit it and pass it back to you. If you don’t pay any attention to where the ball is coming from, you’re going to hit it off the court. That’s why it’s so important to listen. What you say back should reflect what they just said about themselves. I want to remind you again: good conversations are not made up of the same old mundane questions that everyone asks, like: “What do you do?” “Where are you from?” “Do you have any brothers or sisters?”

“A good conversation is like a tennis game.”

Those questions are fine if you’re learning a foreign language, but, if you’re speaking in your native language, you owe other people a little more creativity! If you’re going to ask another person questions, ask questions that get them excited! See if you can find out what they feel passionate about. Allow them to get stirred up. Enjoy watching them pontificate. (They may attribute their feeling of arousal to being around you!) The reason this works is simple. Think back to the last great conversation you had. What made it so great? Was it because the other person brought up some really good points? Or was it because you felt you had expressed yourself particularly well?


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We enjoy and remember the conversations where we were the shining star. We remember the times when we said something just right or when someone really liked what we had to say. That’s why it’s so important that your conversational partner feels great about how they came across in the conversation. If they feel good about themselves when they’re with you, then they’re going to want to be with you even more! When you’re interested in someone else for their own sake, it becomes less important whether you think they’re right or wrong about a point … and more important that you understand what those beliefs reveal about them. Arguing is not a healthy way to kick off a relationship. Far too many perfectly good first dates collapse into meaningless debates that leave both parties feeling lucky that things never went further. Look, married couples argue! Two single people who are just starting to explore their attraction to one another shouldn’t. (Unless it’s in jest, such as play-fighting.) If you feel like you have to put in your own two cents’ worth, it’s worthwhile to recall that it doesn’t really matter what your opinion is in the grand scheme of things. You’re not in a debate; you’re on a date, or hoping to be!

“We enjoy and remember the conversations where we were the shining star.”

Trying to convince your conversation partner that your opinion is the right one may just remind them how different you are … and why you should go your separate ways.

Key #4: Let Your Body Do More of the Talking Your brain is a wonderful tool. It can concoct plans, earn you money, and store more memories than any hard drive known to man. But relying on your head alone in matters of attraction has one big disadvantage: All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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Chemistry is also physical. It’s impossible to dismiss the role of body language in creating attraction. According to dating and relationships expert Tracey Cox in her superb body language guide Superdate: “Most relationships are formed or dismissed within the first five minutes of meeting. We rely mainly on body language to decide who we like and who we don’t because … most initial conversations center around small talk and trivia.” (7) The way you communicate with your body is incredibly powerful. Tony Buzan tells us that “fully 55% of all meaning conveyed in any act of communication is given by your physical demeanor” (15). That means that unless you do some talking with your body, your attraction potential is going to be halved. The only problem with body language is that it’s difficult to observe ourselves. Sure, you could pretend to talk to yourself in a mirror, but the mere fact of watching yourself will alter how you behave. The person you see in the mirror is not the same as the person that others talk with. The smile you give to yourself, for example, is just one of your many smiles. The smile you give to a loved one, a new acquaintance, or an unwelcome guest will differ drastically. As a result, I suggest enlisting a friend’s help for this one. Women tend to be better at reading body language, so make sure to pick a friend who expresses some competence in the field.

“The way you communicate with your body is incredibly powerful.”

The single best way to see for yourself what your body is saying is to have a friend videotape you interacting at a party or other social environment. (Tracey Cox even suggests sitting in a room with a friend and talking to them for half an hour while the video camera – or webcam – records you.) I realize that not everyone will be able to do this, but if you can, do it, and sit down with your friend immediately afterwards and watch the video together.


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The first thing you’ll probably realize is that you look nothing like you thought you looked. We never appear to others the same way that we appear to ourselves. For example, you may think that you pulled off a conversation with considerable charm and skill, while an independent observer might see that the other person was getting put off by your intensity. You may have thought that you failed miserably in your attempt to spark any interest in someone, while an independent observer might notice that the other person really liked you but was just to shy to show it. That’s because we all have automatic body movements that we do without thinking. Examples include lowering your chin, dropping your shoulders, scratching your ear, moving your hair out of your eyes, and crossing your legs. You may just think you’re just making yourself comfortable, but every movement has meaning. All these signals convey messages to the opposite sex that may be different from what you intended. If you’re interested in mastering each and every possible signal that you might send the opposite sex, and vice versa, then I recommend picking up a visual guide to body language like Tracey Cox’s Superdate. Pictures really are worth a thousand words when it comes to showing you how body language works. But there’s one wonderful way to master body language without having to memorize each and every body movement. It’s by becoming more conscious of how you’re feeling. Are you feeling nervous? Timid? Upset? Tense? Do you feel tight in the chest? Are you uncomfortable? Then your body language is probably reflecting it. If you become aware of negative feelings, then deliberately change them to positive feelings through positive self-talk.

“We all have automatic body movements that we do without thinking.”

Remind yourself how you feel about this person (they like you already). All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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Remind yourself how comfortable you feel around them (you have so much in common). Remind yourself that your goal is to see if they interest you (there’s nothing you need to prove). This positive self-talk can make a major difference in your body language. You can’t go wrong if you feel good about yourself, where you’re at, and who you’re with. Here’s an idea of what your body language will look like when you’re at ease with yourself. A person who’s feeling good will look relaxed and peaceful, as if they have all the time in the world. They’ll move with languid, smooth motions. Their head will be held high, and their shoulders will be loose and back. They won’t hold any strain around their eyes and mouth; rather, their facial muscles will be loose and responsive.

“Big gestures communicate your energy and presence.”

Nonverbal communication is incredibly powerful when it comes to attracting the opposite sex, because it is between our bodies – not our heads – that physical chemistry gets generated. Become a powerful nonverbal communicator by reconnecting with your body. Don’t always feel like you have to answer a question verbally, as silence can be even more powerful than words. Learn to answer with a smile or a wink. Make eye contact or touch the person you’re talking to. Take up space with big gestures that communicate your energy and presence. Take a moment every now and again to indulge in your senses: really taste what you’re drinking or feel a cool breeze. Relax your body whenever you feel it tensing up. Open your body language. “Shake it out,” as my yoga teacher used to tell us. “Breathe.” A wonderful exercise is to try and participate in a conversation as actively as you can without saying a word. Nod encouragingly, smile, lean back, make eye contact. Your conversational partner may not even notice you’re being quiet!


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And here’s one last advantage to becoming a powerful nonverbal communicator: creating a sense of mystery. The less you say, the more other people will wonder what you’re thinking … and the more curiosity you’ll stir up.

Key #5: Project Positive Energy One of the most important laws of the universe is this: We love to be around people who make us feel good. Why? Because we “catch” other people’s emotions. From experience, we know that moods are contagious. Spend too much time in the company of someone who’s always finding fault with a situation or looking for something to complain about, and you’ll soon find that you’ve become more whiny than normal. Spend a lot of time in the company of someone who’s always looking for new ways to have fun, on the other hand, and you’ll soon find that life becomes a lot more enjoyable! Social science supports this fact. Researchers studying management teams have long known about the effect of “employee affect” on group dynamics. Cheerful, positive people help motivate and bring the energy level of a group up, while subdued or reserved people have low positive affect. Laughter is one of the most contagious behaviors, with canned “laugh tracks” a staple of comedy programs. There’s just something about laughter that makes us want to join in. For example, have you ever been sitting in a restaurant with a group of friends and noticed another group across the room that can’t stop laughing? You may have secretly wished that you were part of their group instead of your own, because they seemed to be having so much more fun.

“We love to be around people who make us feel good.”

There are powerful motivational forces drawing us to prefer the company of positive people. Daniel Goleman, author of Social Intelligence: The Revolutionary New Science of Human Relationships, points out that our social interactions not only influence our mood. They also influence our brain chemistry.


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If you spend time with someone who’s laughing, enjoying themselves, and having fun, then you’ll get a powerful rush of feel-good chemicals in your brain. These feel-good chemicals are addictive. (Just do a little research on the biochemistry of love!) No wonder we love to be around people who make us feel good! As Alistair Bone points out, “Happier people attract more money, power, sex and friends” (15-16). Knowing all that, why would anyone waste time being unhappy?

“You have the choice to allow your moods to influence your social interactions.”

If being positive in a social environment is sometimes difficult for you, I have an idea that I want to share with you. You may think that being unhappy isn’t your fault. You can’t choose how you feel. You may think that more popular people have advantages that you don’t, like looks or talent, that make them happy. If only you had their advantages, you’d be happy, too.

But you are not a slave to your moods. You can choose to amplify the positive and deal with the negative in a constructive way. Just because you’re unhappy, angry, or grumpy, doesn’t mean that everyone around you has to be, too. You have the choice to allow your moods to influence your social interactions. You can either bring other people down, or you can do what you need to do to work your mood out of your system. Now, there’s a common fallacy that people are either optimists or pessimists. If you look at a glass of water and see it as half-empty, then that’s just the way you see the world; you may think that you can’t change who you are.


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But that isn’t true at all. Being an optimist or a pessimist isn’t something that’s set in stone. You can deliberately choose to look on the “glass-half-full” side of things. Or, if that seems too Pollyanna-like to you, you can choose can be optimistic in some situations and pessimistic in others. (For example, Antonio Gramsci called for “pessimism of the intellect, optimism of the will.”) This can work to your advantage. You can decide to be optimistic (and focus on the positive) when you’re in the company of others, and pessimistic when you’re on your own and need a more realistic perspective.

“Be the person who has something nice to say about everyone.”

In that way, you can always bring other people’s moods up while at the same time allowing yourself to keep a realistic perspective. A friend of mine discovered this principle for himself when he worked for a company run by a moody fashion designer. No one knew how the boss would be feeling that day, so everyone walked on eggshells until they saw his first smile of the day.

My friend decided that this had to stop. He made a concerted effort to be a positive force in his working environment. He came into work with a smile and a joke. He avoided gossip and instead talked to people about their lives outside of work: their weekend plans, their hobbies, the things they really cared about. Simply by doing his part to inject some positive feeling into office morale, he was surprised to notice an immediate improvement, even though he was just one person. One person really can make a difference, and it doesn’t matter whether they’re the most important person in the office or the least. Simply making the commitment to bring positive energy into a social environment can automatically make YOU one of those people that others love to be around. In a practical sense, this means being the person who’s going to look for ways to have a good time, no matter how unpleasant the task or the circumstances. It means being the person who has something nice to say about everyone. It means forgoing the temptation to complain about how unfair life is, and focusing on what you can be grateful for instead. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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So be the person who’s always first to laugh, and who’s always thinking up fun things to do. Be the person who spontaneously compliments others and who does their best to look on the bright side. Don’t let your negative moods bring you or anyone else down. Instead, find ways of dealing with stress in a healthy, constructive way. (Exercise, listening to music, and writing in a journal are a few of my favorites!) Communicate your happiness, and watch the opposite sex seek out your company.

“Be the person who’s always first to laugh.”


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Summing Up By the end of this section, you should understand the basic principles of great communication. You should understand why men and women communicate differently and how to adapt your style to suit the opposite sex. You should understand the importance of communication in attracting the opposite sex, and why body language is just as important (if not more so) than what you say. You should know to avoid the 5 Mental Mistakes that most people make when talking to the opposite sex… 1. Wanting people to like you. 2. Worrying about what to say. 3. Expecting people to tell the truth. 4. Hiding your thoughts. 5. Trying to prove yourself. …and how to develop a winning attitude when it comes to communicating through mastering these 5 Keys: 1. Match the mood. 2. Find out how you’re similar. 3. Be interested in them. 4. Let your body do more of the talking. 5. Project positive energy. Now that you’ve got the basics down, I’m going to lead you through the answers to common questions that people have about how to talk to the opposite sex in dating and relationships. You’ll find step-by-step instructions about what you should do if you want to make a great first impression, start a conversation, be funny, resolve an argument, tell your partner you love them, and more!


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Part II. DATING The basics of communicating with the opposite sex in the meeting-andattracting phase of dating are similar to the basics of communicate with anyone, anywhere.

You want to have charisma.

You want to be able to tell great stories.

You want to make them laugh.

You want to keep from getting nervous.

You want to keep from running out of things to say.

Become an excellent conversationalist in any venue – whether it’s through business or a hobby – and your conversational skills will rub off on your interactions with the opposite sex. That’s why I urge you to apply the techniques in this section of the book to ANY social situation you find yourself in! Don’t just approach social groups that include attractive, single people. Make sure to talk to elderly people, married people, businesspeople, and anyone you find interesting! As you hone your conversational skills on a variety of social groups, you find out how different people respond to different things. You may be HORRIBLE at chatting up drunken strangers in bars, but you may be excellent at mingling at art exhibitions or starting up conversations in coffee shops. I remember thinking that I was a social failure when I was little because I wasn’t particularly popular at my school. When I finished my schooling, however, and dove into the professional world, I suddenly found my feet. I


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was in my element. And I never doubted my social abilities again! There are so many venues in which to meet attractive, interesting singles that you should NEVER limit yourself to just one social environment. Talk to people at work. Talk to people at the gym. Talk to people when you’re waiting in line. Talk to people when you’re sitting on a plane. Practice great communication EVERYWHERE, and a world of dating possibilities will open up!


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How to Communicate with Charisma Some people just have charm. When they talk, people listen. And, in fact, according to Tom Geoghegan of the BBC, those listening may even start mimicking them! There’s a reason that attractive people are considered to have “infectious” personalities. They feel emotions so strongly that they can actually provoke those feelings in other people. Have you ever listened to someone describing an event that happened to them, and got caught up emotionally in their tale? This is an example of what Professor Richard Wiseman considers charisma. Ever wondered why actors are so attractive? It’s not JUST their fame and fortune and looks. It’s also because of their magnetic, charismatic personalities. They have the ability to communicate emotions to their audience with an intensity that leaves the rest of us dumbfounded.

“A little enthusiasm goes a long way!”

So if you’re afraid to demonstrate emotion when you’re talking to someone (perhaps for fear that they’ll find out you like them!), then be aware repressing or suppressing yourself will just lead them to assume that you’re dull. A little enthusiasm goes a long way! Instead, feel comfortable with your emotions and allow yourself to express them in a way that feels natural to you. If you’re telling someone about something that happened to you, allow yourself to get caught up in your own story. Assume they’ll be interested. One of the wonderful things about charismatic people is that they have no doubt that what they’re saying is interesting to their audience. They know that they can make what they have to say interesting to anyone. The way they do this is by tailoring what they say to their audience. If they know that the person they’re talking to is an avid skier, for example, they’ll tell a story about an experience they had while skiing. If they know that the person they’re talking to is interested in social issues, they’ll expand a story with a comment on its social implications. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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You can talk about anything in a way that will be interesting to anyone. All it takes is emotional investment in your topic and the ability to figure out what angle will interest your audience the most. Now, I want to caution you here about one common error that I see many men and women alike making. When talking to the opposite sex, they tend to perform. They try too hard to entertain the other person by being amusing, witty, et cetera. That’s all well and good if you’re auditioning to be an act at their next party, but if you want to create real and genuine connection, you need to give up your performance and start focusing on presence instead. Presence is a characteristic that is closely associated with charisma. A person who’s present is completely focused on being right where they are, doing exactly what they’re doing, and being with the people they’re with.

“A little enthusiasm goes a long way!”

They’re not lost in their thoughts about how this interaction will turn out. They’re not worried about what just happened or what will happen. They’re not trying to make anything happen. They’re just there, enjoying themselves! (You can learn more about how to master this amazing quality of “being in the moment” through checking out Marie Forleo and Amy Waterman’s course on how to Make Every Man Want You More!) Charismatic people are so powerful simply because, when they turn the full force of their attention on you, you feel like they’re listening to your every word. You feel special. You feel as if they genuinely like you and care about you. That’s why it mystifies me when I hear dating advice telling people to not let on that they like someone and be indifferent around them.


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There’s nothing more attractive than hanging out with someone who genuinely likes you! (In psychology, it’s called reciprocal liking, and it’s a powerful attraction tool.) But there IS a difference between liking someone for who they are and liking them for the possibility that they’ll date you. There’s nothing WORSE than being with someone who’s trying to please you or get you to like them back. Charismatic people don’t care about whether or not they “get” anything from an encounter. They’re just happy to hang out with others and let whatever happens, happen. They also don’t need to hide how they feel. They’re confident enough to show people that they like them when they do, and they don’t worry about anyone “finding out” their true feelings. And here’s one of the things that’s most magical of all about truly charismatic people: they don’t have to be the center of attention. True charisma is shown in your ability to make others feel special. That’s what distinguishes it from arrogance. An arrogant person has to be the center of attention, and they perform – kind of like a trained monkey! – to get people to notice them. A charismatic person just hangs out and gets really interested in the people and conversations happening around them. Even though they may not be doing the talking, they’re fully engaged in listening and understanding the people they’re with. In short, their presence is so powerful that they light up the entire room.

“You can talk about anything in a way that will be interesting to anyone.”


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How to Overcome Approach Anxiety Have you ever noticed an attractive stranger nearby that you wished you could approach? Perhaps you even caught their eye and managed to exchange smiles. Now, all that’s standing between you and meeting the person of your dreams is … …Your nerves. If you suffer from approach anxiety, you’re not alone. Going up to someone and starting a conversation can be incredibly difficult! What if they don’t want to talk to you? What if you open your mouth and something stupid comes out? What if your mind blanks completely? No matter how shy you are, the fear of starting a conversation CAN be overcome. In this section, I’m going to give you my top 4 techniques for killing approach anxiety for good.

“No one can hurt you without your consent.”

1. Face Your Fears One of the best ways to get over feeling nervous about approaching someone attractive is to set yourself the task of approaching EVERYONE, even people you’re not interested in. Go out on the street and talk to five people. Every time you stop by a café for a coffee, talk to at least one person. Approach so many people in so many different context that you actually end up experiencing those things that you fear most.

You run out of things to say.

Your heart beats so loudly you’re unable to hear them.

They take one look at you and get up and walk away.

They ask you what planet you got off from.

They laugh in your face.

I’m exaggerating here for a reason. Most of the things we fear actually NEVER happen. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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In fact, most of the things we fear only hurt us because we’ve invested so much personally in the encounter. No one can hurt you without your consent. Someone who doesn’t want to talk to you is just someone who doesn’t want to talk to you! It’s not like they’ve just mugged you or something. So go out there and see what’s the worst that can happen! Some men in the seduction community are even told to go three days without bathing, dress in women’s clothing, then go out on the street and approach people. They get HUMILIATED!! But as a result, it completely cures them of approach anxiety … for life. But here’s the thing: you don’t have to go out deliberately aiming to get humiliated. You just have to get so used to striking up conversations that your heart no longer races at the thought of saying a few words to someone you don’t know. Here’s a simple plan for talking to more people. Walk up to someone. Smile broadly at them and say “Hi.” Say something to evoke interest and that requires something more than a “yes/no” response. Break it down like that and it seems pretty simple! But the question still remains: WHAT precisely can you actually say? At this stage, don’t put a lot of pressure on yourself to be clever or witty. The idea here is simply to desensitize you to the idea of approaching strangers. The more you do it, the more your brain will become accustomed to thinking quickly and ad-libbing.


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Here are some good ways to strike up a conversation with an unknown person: Ask their opinion on something relevant to your life. For example, “Hey, I need a male/female (insert gender as appropriate) opinion on something. My friend over there in the yellow dress/blue shirt and I want to go somewhere for lunch. Do you know of any trendy cafes or restaurants around here?” Ask them something about themselves. Break the ice with an observation that you’ve made that’s designed to elicit personal information. Are they wearing something unusual? Do they have a cool hairstyle? Are they walking a cute dog? Use this tool as the conversation opener it is, and remark on it to them. Make a comment based on your shared surroundings. For example, if you’re in a bookstore, comment on the book they’re looking at: “Wow, I love that author! Have you read any of their other works?” or, “That guy’s last book was so scary that my sister vowed she’d never pick up another of his works. You must have nerves of steel.” Or even just, “So, would you recommend it?” Every time you stop by a café for a coffee, talk to at least one person. Every time you’re waiting at a bus stand or taxi rank, talk to someone. Even if it’s just three words, it helps you to break down your natural psychological barriers about talking to strangers.

2. Don’t Stop to Think The only thing that stops you from approaching someone is your thoughts. You see them, then your mind paralyzes you by spinning all sorts of excuses about why you shouldn’t do it. That’s why alcohol is perceived as such a social lubricant. When you’re inebriated, you’re not thinking too clearly, which is why you can often talk to people that you’d be scared of talking to otherwise. But drinking is one of the worst ways to get up courage, because it inhibits other things as well (like your ability to hold a good conversation!). You should be able to approach the same people sober as you’d approach drunk. The best way to achieve all the beneficial effects of drinking without the impairment is to simply stop thinking. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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Stop letting your mind run away with you! Many seduction artists swear by the 3-Second Rule. This rule states that the moment you spot someone you’d like to get to know better, you have three seconds in which to approach them. Wait longer than three seconds, and your window of opportunity will be gone. Why three seconds? Because you can’t do much thinking in three seconds! You don’t give your mind TIME to think of all the reasons you can’t do it.

3. No Expectations The biggest reason that our approaches don’t work like they should is that we WANT them to accomplish something. We go up to a person because we WANT them to like us. We go up to a person because we WANT them to be attracted to us. We go up to a person because we WANT our interest reciprocated. Look, that person’s job is NOT to make you feel better about yourself! But the minute you go up to someone with all these expectations, they can SENSE it. They can tell that you want something from them – whether it’s a kiss, a date, or a wedding ring. And those kinds of expectations make people run as fast as they can the opposite way. So go up to people because you want to see if they interest you. You want to know if you have a connection. You want to know if they’re worth knowing. You’re wondering something about them. Stop seeing an approach in terms of success or failure, and you’ll be amazed at how easy approaching people becomes!


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4. Visualization One last technique that I want to mention briefly is visualization. Sometimes, people who’ve lacked success in approaching the opposite sex don’t know what to DO if someone says “hi” back. They’re so used to being rejected that they can’t deal with success! That’s why it’s so important to visualize approaching other people successfully. See every step of a successful approach in your mind, from the moment you say “hi” all the way through a fantastic conversation and getting their number. As athletes have long known, visualization triggers the same neural pathways as an actual experience. Visualize enough, and it’s like getting tons of positive experience that will help program good communication skills into your psyche. Through rehearsing approaches mentally, you allow your imagination come up with creative ways to move a conversation forward and keep your conversation partner interested. You mentally reach certain decision points – such as saying goodbye, or going in for a kiss – and have the time and luxury to ponder the possible consequences of the different things you could do. Through facing your fears, not stopping to think, going in with no expectations, and practicing mentally, you’ll have your approach anxiety eliminated in no time!


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How to Start a Conversation There’s nothing more awkward than being approached by someone who likes you and is hoping to make you like them back. They try to be funny, flash their pearly whites until you’re blinded, and don’t know when to excuse themselves! As a woman, I can attest to the fact that there are a LOT of people out there who have no clue how to start a good conversation. And in my experience, one of the biggest reasons for these people’s bad conversational skills is something that you’d least expect.

“Unfortunately liquid courage wears off.”

DRINKING. It’s unfortunate that so many singles require “liquid courage” before they feel confident enough to talk to someone attractive. Reliance on drinking limits flirting opportunities to places where alcohol is served, such as bars and clubs. And unfortunately, when the “liquid courage” wears off, you’re often left with a phone number or email address that you’re afraid to use, because you know that you’re not the same person sober as you were when drunk. If you truly want to learn how to start a conversation, swear off the booze NOW. You have to learn these techniques while sober if they’re going to effect a lasting change in your life. That’s because you meet a LOT of people – especially potential partners – during the daylight hours when you’re working, exercising, or just hanging out with friends. Then, once you’ve mastered starting conversations, go ahead and allow yourself a drink or two. But, by then, you’ll know you don’t need it. Now, it can be pretty scary to go up and start conversations if you’re not used to it. Luckily, there are dozens of techniques designed to work as “training wheels.” Here are three of my favorite “training wheels” for building up your confidence in starting conversations.


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1. Have a Wing. This is when you have a friend who nominates themselves as the “approach” person. They go up and start conversations with attractive singles for you, then draw you in once the ice is broken. It takes skill to be a wing: your wing should be gregarious, not looking for anyone themselves, and able to excuse themselves gracefully once the conversation between you and the other person starts heating up. Nevertheless, a wing can give you an incredible advantage (including social validation if they’re an attractive member of the opposite sex!).

2. Have a Prop. This is when you have an interesting accessory that will intrigue people and encourage them to come up and talk to you. It will also provide a topic of conversation if your conversation is running dry! Some examples of props include books, magic tricks, and interesting pieces of jewelry or clothing. Make sure that you have an interesting story for each prop. If someone asks you about it, you DO NOT want to just go, “Oh, this old thing?” Instead, make the most of it. You can even introduce the prop into the conversation yourself, instead of waiting for someone else to comment. Anything that stands out from the crowd can be used to gain interest from people – you just need to have the guts to follow through on it. Now, the point of having a prop is not to dominate the conversation with it. It’s simply to provide you with a way to encourage other people to strike up a conversation with you, catch their attention, or demonstrate something quirky about yourself. A word to the wise: “interesting” doesn’t mean “flashy.” You’re not trying to show how much money you have or how great your taste is. For example, carrying around Albert Camus’ The Stranger if you don’t understand existentialism won’t endear you to the literati.


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So let’s look at some specific examples. Man:

(Strides confidently up to group of people, thrusts hands out in front of him.) So tell me what you think of the nail polish then?

Woman: Umm …. It’s kind of weird. Man:

You think it’s weird?

Woman: Well, yeah, a little, I guess. Man:

I can’t believe you just said that to me! (Turns to the rest of the group.) Is she always this rude to complete strangers? How do you take her anywhere?

Group: (Laughter.) Woman #2:Yeah, that’s so true, she is always the one causing all the trouble! Woman #1: Hey! Man:

All right, all right, settle down. I only wanted an opinion, but jeez, it seems like you guys have been partying maybe a little too hard …

Group: (Laughter.) Man:

Seriously though, it looks like the party’s over here. So let me ask you guys a question. This one’s been bugging me all night. But I’m going to tell you right now that I’m going to require your full attention, because this is a two-part question.

Woman #1: Two parts, huh? Sounds kind of demanding … Man:

That’s right. I am demanding – I need an honest opinion here! So let me tell you a quick story to set the scene here. A while ago, my friend brought his date home for a coffee or whatever All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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(rolls eyes humorously) and they ended up making out on the couch. They didn’t sleep together or anything, but she stayed the night. Group: Ok/uh huh/then what happened?/etc Man:

Well, he didn’t call her back, because she wasn’t really his type. She was beautiful and all, but he just wasn’t really that into her. So anyway, he doesn’t call her for a couple weeks, and then one day he’s tidying his apartment and when he cleans under the bed, he finds this weird little … thing … made of like feathers and beads and little bits of leather and fur and stuff. He showed it to me and a couple of the guys, and none of us knew what the hell it was, right?

(Pauses, takes a drink, looks around the group to make eye contact.) Man:

So as a joke, I suggested he take it to this girl I know who’s studying the occult and Wicca and stuff like that. And she takes one look at it and tells him it’s an attraction spell.

Woman #2: Like a love potion? Man:

Yeah, exactly like that – but sort of creepier! Anyway, the weird thing is, now he can’t stop thinking about her. What do you reckon, is it the spell or is it just a psychological thing?

Do you see how easy it is? All you have to do is use the prop to break the ice or keep the conversation going through a thin patch, before introducing a completely new subject. It’s easy! Let’s take a look at an example for women. Man:

Wow, I just couldn’t help noticing your style and energy. You’ve got a really fun vibe going on – I just had to meet the person behind that funky outfit!


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Woman: Well, that’s a really unusual compliment – but would you mind terribly if I ask you to be a little bit more specific? (Smiles flirtatiously) It’s difficult for me to respond appropriately if I really have no idea what on earth you’re talking about. Man:

Well, specifically, I was referring to your cute skirt/feathered earrings/turquoise necklace/funky hairstyle. Is that detailed enough for you?

Woman: (laughs) Yes, that’s more like it! See, now your compliment’s added real value to my night. I’m able to feel really good about a specific aspect of myself, because you’ve given me enough detail to actually believe that you’ve given me a genuine compliment. Man:

What, you didn’t think I was being genuine before?

Woman: Well, what I think doesn’t really come into it – it’s all about the delivery. I mean, it has to be said, when someone comes up to you and just blurts out something vague and complimentary, you kind of think they might be using the compliment as a kind of social leverage, if you know what I mean? Man:

You mean like as a way to make you like them and want to talk to them?

Woman: Well, yeah, pretty much! But when the compliment is really specific, it shows that it’s more likely to be genuine. You can’t really comment on something that hasn’t actually caught your eye, can you? Man:

So you’ve really just taught me a valuable lesson.

Woman: That’s right! Thanks to me, you now know how to approach a woman and come across as sincere and genuine. (Gently mocking) This is guaranteed to improve your success rates with women in future. So let’s find you a nice girl to go practice on, huh? I’ll wait here, and you can go test out your new-found skills on that woman over there. I’ll watch you and rate your performance based on her body language and reaction. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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Man:

(Laughs.)

Woman: No, seriously! (Laughs.) Don’t you want to improve your game? Don’t you want to make the most of this valuable opportunity? I can give you the insider’s take on the situation! You should take this chance to wring all the information out of me that you possibly can! See how easy it is? A whole conversation can start from a simple prop. Obviously, it’ll take a little bit of practice for you to become proficient at improvisation and making the transition from talking about the prop to something else. But don’t worry – the more you practice, the better you’ll be at doing it.

3. Have a Reason. Having a legitimate reason for approaching someone is one of the best ways to start a conversation (especially for women who are afraid of being too forward). Ask them if they know of a great restaurant nearby. Ask them for directions. Ask them to help you with something. If you’re desperate and can think of nothing else, you can even ask them the time! Just be careful. There’s not much else you can follow up with, with some questions. Ask someone the time, and you’ll find it hard to lead into an actual conversation. Ask someone where a particular place is, and they’ll find it suspicious if you don’t just thank them for their directions and leave. I’ve often struck up conversations with strangers while waiting for something. Asking an attractive person if they know when the train is going to come/ presentation is going to start/line is going to move is always a great way to establish a common bond and make small talk. Any sort of topic-based gathering, like conferences and conventions, are full of legitimate reasons to approach people and start conversations. Let’s take a look at how a man might use a shared situation to strike up a rapport while waiting on a subway platform.


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Man:

(joking) No! Don’t do it! You have so much to live for!

Woman: (Laughs, steps back from platform edge.) Man:

Seriously though, do you know if this is the train to XXX?

Woman: Yes/no/etc Man:

Jeez, I sure hope you know what you’re talking about. I’ve been waiting on this platform for so long I was beginning to wonder. Did you know that I’ve heard that street musician’s entire repertoire at least three times now? I’m not kidding.

Woman: Really? Man:

Yeah, I wish I could say his technique improved with repetition! I’ve gotta start bringing something with me to do when I’m waiting for trains. Like you obviously do - is that a novel I see sticking out of your bag there?

Woman: Yes. Man:

That’s too bad, I was going to ask you if you had any magazines with loads of celebrity pictures – I’m tired of reading books with words.

Woman: (Laughs.) Man:

No, really, you’re a smart lady to bring a book with you. If I had one too, we could swap. I bet you like horror stories, right?

… and so on.


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For a woman, the conversation might go a little bit differently: Woman: Excuse me, do you know if this is the train to XXX? Man:

Yeah, I think so. It’s due in about 7 minutes.

Woman (exaggeratedly): Seven more minutes!! Man:

What, seven minutes is too much for you to wait?

Woman: I’m trying not to be too unrealistic with my expectations here, but I’ve got to say that I bitterly begrudge every moment of my life that I’m forced to spend waiting on this platform. Man:

Come on, it’s not that bad, is it?

Woman: Are you serious? I think I just saw a mouse run across the floor over there. Man:

No way! A mouse?

Woman: Yes. And that’s not all. That mouse has made several appearances since I’ve been here tonight. He and I have practically struck up an acquaintance. Man:

You’re in the habit of making friends with mice?

Woman: Well, reluctantly! That’s the problem though: he’s got me cornered. He knows I’ve got nowhere else to go. He knows I have to wait here for seven more minutes. I’m at his mercy! Man:

Uh-oh!

Woman: Yeah, he’s like that annoying guest at a party who just keeps pigeonholing you. No matter where you go, he just pops up. Look, there he is again!! Man:

No way! Shouldn’t you be leaping on the chairs and screaming round about now?


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Woman: Well, that’s the thing about train stations. When your daily schedule forces you to hang out in them on a twice-daily basis, you begin to develop a pretty thick skin to these sorts of things. It’s like a self-defense mechanism that strips away your ladylike pretenses. … and so on. As you can see, any shared experience – even one as mundane as waiting for a train – can be used to strike up a conversation with someone. It doesn’t even matter how “boring” the conversation opener is; the conversation itself can progress in any direction from there on in. Remember, practice makes perfect – get into the habit of initiating conversations with random people in all sorts of situations. Don’t just save it for the ones you’re attracted to!

Starting a Conversation: Techniques The angle of approach matters in golf and 4x4-ing, so why wouldn’t it matter in approaching someone to start a conversation? If you come up to someone from behind and tap them on their shoulder to get their attention, they’re not just going to feel startled; they’re ALSO going to find it very easy to keep their back turned to you, cutting off any possibility of conversation. Always approach people from the front with a slight angle. The main reason for approaching someone from the front is that they’ll find it more difficult to turn their back on you or ignore you. (They’ll also have the chance to see you coming, which will make it more difficult for them to pretend they don’t see you.)

“Approaching groups can actually be more successful than approaching an individual on their own.”


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The main reason for the ANGLE is so that you won’t seem so intimidating. You see, approaching anyone head-on is like blaring out your intentions with a foghorn. If you were the other person, you can imagine that it would feel quite scary seeing someone bearing down on you. Instead of wanting to talk to them, you’d want to run! One common mistake that many newbies make is assuming that they can only approach someone if that person is alone. Nothing could be further from the truth! Approaching groups can actually be more successful than approaching an individual on their own. A person on their own may be feeling quite vulnerable and defensive, while a person in a group of their friends tends to be more relaxed. If you’re approaching a group, try to engage the whole group. Don’t pay any particular attention to the individual that you’re interested in. The idea is that you win over the group first. People tend to follow their friends’ opinions, and if their friends think that you’re great, they’re more likely to feel comfortable with you. And don’t worry if the person you’re interested in is in a mixed-gender group, either. It doesn’t necessarily mean they’re spoken for. The idea of approaching people is not to get an instant date or phone number, but simply to gather information about the person you’re after. You don’t need to make up your mind about whether or not that person’s “taken” or not before approaching. Finding things out and confirming/disproving existing opinions is the whole point of approaching someone. So go talk to the other members of the group, too. You’ll quickly be able to ascertain what the relationship between the group members is indirectly, without making your intentions known.. It also helps if you direct your attention towards members of your sex in the group. This helps to get them on your side, so to speak – most people, when approaching “with intent”, will freeze out the members of their own sex in the group (either intentionally or out of sheer ignorance). This does two things: it proves that you have, in Tony Buzan’s phraseology, a low “social intelligence”; and it proves that you don’t have enough respect for your target to try and get along with his or her social circle.


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So if you’re a woman, talk to the women. If you’re a man, talk to the men. Great conversational openers for members of the same sex are often incidental, or situational, in nature: “Wow, what’s up with your drink? It’s practically glowing in the dark!” “I don’t know about this music/This music rocks!” “Have you tried the punch? It’s deadly.” “Check out that guy’s piercing/tattoos/humorously tight shorts!” “OK guys, seriously, I have to settle this question once and for all. What’s hotter: a tattoo or a piercing?” “Do you guys know of anywhere good to go dancing around here?” Some pickup artists even ignore the particular person they’re interested in, in order to make that person left out. That person will then try to ”work” to get their attention. This method can be good for people who get really nervous talking to someone they’re interested in. By focusing their attention on the less attractive friend or the other people in the group, they can feel confident in their ability to break the ice without being distracted by their feelings of attraction. So if you’re approaching a group, approach the GROUP – not just one or two members of that group. Be expansive. Be sociable. Be polite! Include everyone, and show that you have social nous and a bit of know-how when it comes to mingling.

What Should You Say? There’s no worse way to start a conversation than by saying, “Hi, how are you? My name is X.” Come on! Not only is it boring, but what is the other person supposed to say to that? The #1 criteria for starting a conversation is this: Whatever you say has to start a conversation.


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In other words, it should invite the other person to respond … not just hang there in the air like a mosquito begging to be slapped! You have to stop thinking about what you’re saying and instead start thinking about creating opportunities for the other person to say something back. Some questions or comments just leave the other person with nothing to say. Telling someone your name – especially if they have no idea who you are and could care less – doesn’t start a conversation. It is the verbal equivalent of wearing a name tag in hopes that people will come up and talk to you! Neither will delivering a witty one-liner endear you to the person you’re hoping to talk to. Horribly cheesy pickup lines like, “Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes,” don’t even invite a polite response. What can anyone say to that but “Get lost!” So what in the world can you say that will start a conversation rather than just hang there in the air? Simple. Just say anything that invites audience participation. Imagine this. You’re at a comedy show. The comedian on stage is telling oneliner after one-liner. But he’s not even looking at the audience. He’s looking at this point in mid-air. It’s like he’s talking to his reflection in an imaginary mirror. Suddenly you realize that he’s afraid of his audience. He’s pretending his audience isn’t even there. He’s focusing so hard on his delivery that, no matter how funny the material might be, everyone wants to just get up and leave. Luckily, the show doesn’t last long. That comedian leaves the stage, and another guy comes on. The first thing he does is ask the audience a question. He gets a couple of possible answers from different audience members, then he weaves their responses into a routine. He asks another question. This time the audience is shouting out answers. No one really cares too much what the joke is going to be, or if the joke is going to be on them. They just like the fact that they’re part of it all. Now, if you had to pick the comedian that you resembled the most, which would it be? The one who gets so nervous about delivering lines that you can’t look at that closely at your audience for fear of freezing? Or the one who gets


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the audience participating first, and then lets them create half the fun? Your goal, then, is to get the person you’re talking to excited. It’s NOT to tell them about yourself. I want to say that once more so that you REALLY get it. Your goal is to get the person you’re talking to excited. It’s NOT to tell them about yourself. Got it? Who cares what your name is? Who cares what you do for a living? Who cares if you come here often? A good conversationalist will talk about much more interesting things, like what you think of Britney’s latest album, whether the days of the “Hollywood blockbuster” have come to a close, and whether or not it’s ethical to date a friend’s ex. We all have opinions, and we LOVE to be asked for our opinion. That’s the basis behind the concept of an “opener.” An opener is the modern-day equivalent of the pickup line, but, unlike the pickup line, it has a staggeringly high success rate. The reason for its success is that it invites audience participation. It gets people talking. It bypasses the boring and predictable, “Hello, my name is X, what’s yours?” and gets straight to the fun stuff: talking about what we think about things. Neil Strauss made the “opinion opener” the world’s most well-known and over-used modern pickup line in his book The Game, but there are an infinite variety of openers that your audience will have never heard. The opinion opener goes something like this. A guy goes up to a group of women and says, “Hey there, do you girls have a moment? I need a female opinion on something.” Then he proceeds to give a scenario – maybe a friend has just got two new puppies and wants to name them after ‘80s bands but needs some name ideas, or maybe a friend’s girlfriend discovered pictures of an ex in his closet and wants him to throw the pictures out – and asks the women for their opinion.


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An opinion opener gives you a reason to approach a group of people you don’t know. Plus, it gets them talking excitedly about something. Your role at first is simply to be the facilitator, so to speak. Here are five suggestions for ways to open a conversation. 1. Explain that you and your friends have a bet going. One of your friends thinks that Person A (a member of the group you’re talking to who is NOT the person you’re interested in) is in marketing, while your other friend thinks they’re in the film industry. Who’s right? (It’s actually quite a fun game to guess what people do for a living!)

2. Explain that a friend of yours is in a dilemma and looking for some advice. Maybe they’ve just been hit on by their best friend’s ex, but even though there’s mutual attraction, they’re not sure if it’s right to date a friend’s ex. The idea is that the dilemma involves a common ethical issue in dating/relationships – something that everyone has an opinion about! Then ask the group what they think.

3. Explain that you and your friends are doing an informal survey, and you’d like to know how many people in the group think that Britney Spears is going to be able to make a comeback, and why. You can replace the Britney Spears example with any current debate. Music, movies, and celeb news form great topics for informal situations like clubs. You want to make sure you chose a debate that is fun (you don’t want the debate to turn into an argument) and something that everyone would have an opinion about. For example, a debate over whether Donald Trump would look better with a shaved head will be more fun in a social atmosphere than debating whether or not An Inconvenient Truth will significantly affect U.S. environmental policy.

4. Approach someone that stands out in some way from the crowd. Maybe they’re wearing an interesting shirt or an unusual accessory. Say that you and your friends have been puzzling over their X and you’re dying to know if it’s genuine/European/an Alexander McQueen. The reason


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this works is that, if someone is carrying or wearing something unusual, they’re probably doing it for a reason! They’ll appreciate your interest and the fact that you and your friends have obviously been observing them closely enough to speculate on their origin of their outfit. 5. Explain that you and your friends have formed an informal society to petition for the live band to be sacked/the volume to be turned up/the bar to be opened for dancing, and you’d like to know if anyone would be in support. You know how it’s commonplace to start a conversation with an observation about something in your environment, like, “Great band, huh”? Drawing attention to something in your shared environment creates a sense of unity. Similarly, pretending that you’re getting a group of people together to petition the venue to do something – like turn up the music or get rid of a really sucky live band – can create a fun sense of unity, as well as presenting you as a leader. (Just don’t be too serious about it – you’re not REALLY trying to foment revolution!)


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How to Make a Great First Impression When you meet somebody new, you have perhaps ten seconds before an indelible, lasting mental snapshot of you is formed by that person. Interestingly, over 80% of what contributes to that impression isn’t anything to do with what you say! When it comes to forming an initial opinion of someone, the spoken word is practically meaningless. It’s the visceral, instinctive things, which most people can’t control, that form those opinions … things like posture and eye contact. All of these things fall under the broader context of body language, which is what we’ll be discussing in this section. To portray yourself as a charismatic, interesting, interested, intelligent, and confident person, you need to first consider those aspects of yourself which make up your own individual body language and then take steps to control them. So let’s take a look at the components of body language and how it contributes to people’s impressions of you, as well as how you can control your own body language so that the first impressions you make are always positive and noteworthy!

“Your body communicates who you are and how you’re feeling much more efficiently than words could.”

Posture Your body communicates who you are and how you’re feeling much more efficiently than words could. Even if you were equipped with a megaphone and your own private soapbox, all the words in the world can’t counteract the effect of body language. It’s a visceral thing, and there’s no denying it. You want to utilize your posture to your best possible advantage, so let’s take a look at exactly what good posture is. The #1 tip about posture is keep it open, not closed! Uncross and unfold everything. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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Having crossed arms, ankles, or legs makes you look ambivalent and uncertain. This is what I mean when I say “closed” posture. You look closed off to the world and to new opportunities, social or otherwise. It’s like holding up a big sign that says, “Don’t talk to me: I’m unconfident and ill-at-ease.” If you want to be seen as sexy, confident, a high achiever, and Someone-ToTalk-To, stand like this: 1. Weight on one leg. When we’re comfortable with our surroundings and situation, our body reflects this and falls naturally into a more casual, comfortable stance. Keep your heels a few inches apart, instead of rammed together, and rest your weight on one leg. 2. Keep your back straight, but relaxed straight. If you sit or stand like a ramrod, you’ll look militaristic and tense. If you keep a slight curve to your spine (read: slight!) you’ll seem much more at ease – and you’ll be more comfortable, too. 3. Shoulders back and down. When we’re tense, nervous, or stressed, our shoulders get higher and higher. Sometimes we don’t even know we’re doing it. To get rid of the hunchback effect, pull your shoulders up to your ears, then roll them back and down. You don’t need to send your back into a rictus of muscle spasms to do this; there’s no need to cinch them right back and down. Just keep them relaxed but straight. 4. Find a comfortable position for your hands. Don’t know what to do with your hands? Don’t fidget: it looks insecure and as if you don’t know what to do with yourself. It’s a giveaway that you’re nervous. Big turn-off! But you don’t want to cross your arms (closed body language) or ram them in your pockets (it looks like you’ve got something to hide), what else can you do?


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Your best option is to place one hand on a hip. It gives you the appearance of a dynamic, get-things-done person. If you can’t stomach the brazen confidence of this posture, rest the fingers of one hand lightly on the wall or a piece of furniture; let your other arm lie at your side with fingers relaxed (not balled up or clenched!) and lightly touching your thigh. 5. Keep your chin up slightly and keep your facial muscles relaxed and inviting. A slight smile on your lips and around your eyes goes a long way

Eye Contact Eye contact is a powerful tool during social interaction. It’s an incredibly important aspect of making a good impression, and yet a lot of people find it difficult to strike the right balance. Too little eye contact, and you seem evasive and nervous. Too much eye contact, and you can seem hyper-intense and even insincere. When eye contact is made – and made well – it engenders feelings of respect, affection, and closeness. It’s the most unmistakable signal that you hold the person on the receiving end of it in such high esteem that you’re willing to pay them the ultimate compliment: your undivided attention. It’s a very flattering feeling, as it connotes a sensation of intense interest and caring. Most people do not make enough eye contact. In this section, I’m going to be explaining to you the benefits of high levels of eye contact, and I’ll be asking you to undertake a little project: to increase the amount of eye contact with people. Even if you think you’re making plenty of eye contact, I’m asking you to up the ante … and watch what happens. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Benefits of Eye Contact So let’s take a look at two of the biggest benefits of eye contact and why it is that this simple thing – just holding someone else’s eyes – is enough to make


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them like and respect you. 1. Believe it or not, but eye contact actually makes you seem more intelligent. Most people find it nearly impossible to hold eye contact and process information at the same time. This is why the normal pattern of human conversation usually involves eye contact only at the beginning and end of each person’s conversational contribution. You look at someone to make sure they’re listening to you. Then, you start to talk and look away, although you might flick the odd glance at them every now and again to gauge their reaction. When you’re done, you look back to them to signal that it’s now their turn. Holding eye contact while someone is speaking gives the impression that you’re self-possessed and intelligent. 2. Making someone feel like they’ve riveted you with their conversation and insights is a powerfully addictive feeling – for them! There’s nothing quite like the sensation of talking to someone who really appreciates what it is you have to say, and eye contact is a great way to make someone feel this way. Because most people aren’t aware enough of themselves to consciously modulate their body language (including eye contact), the compliment bestowed by your attention is inherent. It’s very difficult to fake eye contact, so the receiver will feel implicitly complimented by yours. And we all like people who make us feel great about ourselves – it’s a win-win situation! Using Eye Contact to Your Best Advantage There’s no hard and fast rule to eye contact. You’ll need to alter the intensity and duration of the eye contact made according to the situation and, perhaps not entirely surprising, the gender of the person you’re making contact with. Direct and prolonged eye contact is not always perceived as a welcome sign of attention and interest; it can also be seen as a challenge or even as a signal of hostile intent.


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The difference in interpretation, according to studies, is primarily genderbased. Women, it seems, aren’t threatened by lots of eye contact, either from other women or from men. In fact, they welcome it. It makes them feel intimate and connected with the person they’re exchanging the contact with. The same study showed that those males surveyed were comfortable with a high degree of eye contact from women, but that increased levels of eye contact from other males elicited a negative reaction. Some men felt threatened. Others felt aggressive. Still others felt that the male initiating the eye contact was displaying an offensive level of interest in them. Ways to Practice Eye Contact So here are some ways to increase your customary levels of eye contact. (Now, you don’t have to stare! I’m just asking you to practice holding people’s eyes for just a second or two longer than you normally would.) Use a pinch of common sense when it comes to making eye contact and remember what I told you about gender preferences:  If you’re a guy, hold the eyes of a female conversation partner as long as you choose. She’ll feel special, as if she’s the center of your attention.  Women, likewise, you’re in the clear: both men and other women welcome lots of eye contact from you.  If you’re a guy making eye contact with another guy, don’t go overboard. Hold eye contact for three seconds when you’re introduced, and from then on demonstrate a level of eye contact that’s only slightly more than what you’d normally display. Direct, self-assured eye contact engenders a profound and deep-seated message of respect, affection, and attention. It makes you seem trustworthy, caring, and as if you can’t wait to hear the next word out of that person’s mouth. Try it out and see for yourself how people’s attitudes to you change! All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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More First Impression Tips and Tidbits If you know you’re going to be meeting new people – perhaps you’re preparing for a party or are on your way to your first day at a new job – a useful tip is to take a few seconds to prepare yourself mentally for what will happen when you make your fabulous entrance. Making a good entrance – and thus, a good first impression – into a room full of people you don’t know is going to engender a certain amount of staring. People will glance your way. And if they like what they see, their glance will linger a little bit. Being prepared for this will ensure that all your good efforts with direct eye contact, a ready smile, lifted chin, straight shoulders and erect spine won’t go to waste.

“You’re not doing anything wrong if people are looking at you.”

Much of the time, when we’re the object of widespread attention, our natural reaction is to wonder, “What are all these people staring at? What’s wrong with me?” Our shoulders rise, our chins drop, our eyes dart nervously from side to side, we blink quickly and repeatedly, and our confidence visibly plummets…

…Which means you’ve just cancelled out the greatness of the first impression you just made! Remember: it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong if people are looking at you. Neither does it mean you’re doing anything wrong if people aren’t staring at you. People always notice a new arrival, even if they’re not ostentatiously checking you out. So take a moment to brace yourself for the attention. Just before entering a room or scene, do a quick check of your appearance. Scoop your belly, lower


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and straighten your shoulders, breathe evenly, allow your facial muscles to relax, and prepare to smile. Here are some more tips.

Shake hands with new acquaintances. It’s classy and isn’t too forward.

Repeat the person’s name three times during your initial acquaintance: once when you’re introduced, once during the conversation, and once when you say goodbye. This will not only help you to remember their name, but will also help you to come across as caring and interested. Everyone likes to be addressed by name: it adds an extra frisson of warmth to your interactions.

When in doubt, smile! It’s the number-one way to boost your sex appeal: just laugh and smile more. It’s truly contagious, and everyone wants to be around someone who’s having a great time. But don’t laugh nervously, and don’t force yourself to laugh if nothing funny is happening. Instead, speak with energy and animation. Sprinkle your conversation liberally with smiles. People will respond.


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How to Talk About Yourself We are brought up believing in the value of humility. From the time we were children, we were told not to brag. “Nobody likes a boaster,” we heard over and over again until we believed it. But by the time we become adults, it can seem like the tables end up turning. Successful people often toot their own horns – and plentifully. The perfect example is Donald Trump, self-proclaimed bragger extraordinaire. He feels no qualms about talking himself up, and it obviously gets results (trophy wife, multi-billion dollar corporate empire, even his own television show). To a lesser extent, this is true of us mere mortals, too. Some people talk themselves up, listing their personal and professional achievements, their high-salaried position, the make and model of their car.... And, despite the lessons we’ve had hammered into us since we were children about not “self-complimenting,” it doesn’t seem to do them any harm!

“A balance has to be struck between bragging and excessive pride.”

Or does it? After a while, it gets pretty boring talking to someone who doesn’t wait for anyone else to notice their good points because they’re too busy talking about them themselves. Complimenting someone makes us feel good, as well as them, but there’s no chance to do so if they’ve already noted, talked about, and made a real meal out of all of their own good points! A balance has to be struck between bragging (definition: “to speak with exaggeration and excessive pride about oneself”) and being honest about your own good points. I’m going to teach you what I call “the modern modesty,” because it’s a contemporary take on old-fashioned humbleness. You’re not going to be aggressively tooting your own horn, but you are going to be assertive about what you’re good at.


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How are you going to do this? The perfect opportunity to use modern modesty is when somebody asks that omnipotent, inescapable question:

“So, what do you do?” I always raise my eyebrows when people ask this question. It’s not just unoriginal. It can be rather rude, too! It’s effectively telling people that they are defined by their jobs, which first of all is wildly inaccurate (especially since a full 80% of people aren’t happy with their work!) and, worse still, where does that leave someone who’s currently between jobs? In today’s professional world of downsizing, mergers, and aggressive takeovers, redundancy is rife. How would someone who’s recently received an unwelcome Golden Parachute feel about answering that query? What about all the talented, super-intelligent women out there who have decided to devote themselves to bringing up their children? It’s hard to answer that question without potentially relegating themselves, in the eyes of the asker, to the ranks of the mere “housewife.” There are just so many situations where that question is wildly inappropriate that asking it yourself is rarely a good idea. But the unfortunate and inescapable truth of the matter is that most people do ask. You’ll need to have a plan of attack in mind about how you’ll respond: an answer that makes you sound as great as you are, which defines what you do (but not necessarily who you are!), and that doesn’t make you sound boastful. When you’re asked what you do, you’ve got two options: 1. You can answer it with a plain, bald, statement of fact: “I’m a beauty therapist/copywriter/dog trainer/aquarobics instructor.” 2. You can tailor your answer to the asker: package up your job title with a brief description which makes it clear what the benefits of your role are.


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Now, to really break it down, what do you think the pros and cons of each choice might be? For the bald statement of fact (Choice #1), the pros include: 1. If a short, curt, fact-based conversation is what you’re after, you’ve struck gold. 2. It makes it quite clear that you don’t wish to discuss your job. 3. If you want to make your conversation partner think that you can’t wait to get away from them and their boring conversation, you’ve found an effective way of doing so. 4. If you want to make sure that any existing chemistry is nixed, you’ve stumbled upon a great starting point. 5. You don’t have to spend any energy on keeping the conversation going; you’re forcing the other person to either trawl doggedly for more information on the current topic, or find a new one, which is great for you because who wants to expend precious energy on things like having a good time or creating a spark with someone? The cons include: 1. You are making your conversation partner look bad. With nothing but a plain, bald fact to go with, they won’t know where to go from here. What can they possibly say next? “Oh. Ummmmm .... that must be interesting. Uhh .... do you like it?” And nobody likes being made to look bad, so don’t expect to be talking to this person again. 2. If you do wish to discuss your job, or even just don’t have any real aversion to doing so, you’re not making that very clear. Your conversation partner will probably think that you want to change the topic fast. 3. You’re making the other person do all the work with this conversation. That’s lazy, and it makes you come across as self-absorbed and, well, a bit arrogant.


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And why would you want to go with Choice #2 – the descriptive, more tailored answer? 1. You’re dangling a big, juicy conversational worm right in front of them: bait, in other words! Something to fuel the conversation and prevent it from dying out into awkward silence. 2. You’re demonstrating that you’re a considerate and informed conversationalist: that you’re aware that this question isn’t just a plain request for information, it’s an attempt to get a conversation going. And a conversation requires thought and input from both participants; it’s not just a question-and-answer session! 3. You have the opportunity to turn it into a real networking opportunity. You can sell yourself to this person. I’m NOT saying you should try to actually make a sale, but you can take a second to consider how your position might be of possible benefit to them and tailor your answer so that your role is subtly but effectively cast in the most relevant light to them and their position. And why wouldn’t you want to go with the second, more descriptive choice? 1. If you find your conversation partner a real bore and just want to get away from them, it may not be a good choice. By providing them with a whole new can of conversational worms to open up, you may be working against your own personal best interests here. 2. Ummmmmm ... that’s about it, really! Obviously, Option #2 is the winner here, the one where you actually act like someone who’s interested in the conversation and in showing respect to the person they’re talking to by making an effort to answer questions properly. It may seem funny that there’s a protocol to answering questions. Upon first thought, it might seem as though you should just take a question at face value – as a simple request for information – and answer it according to that take on the situation.


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But, to be frank, this is a fantastic way to signify to everyone that you are (to use an archaic term) a boor: a selfish, arrogant conversationalist who assumes that the only motive their partner could have in asking questions is to find out more about amazing, interesting, fantastic, captivating YOU. What it REALLY means when someone asks you the “So what do you do?” question is this. “How do you spend most of your time? I’m asking this so I can figure out where your interests lie, which will give me an idea of what sort of a person you are, but also because I’m interested in having a conversation with you, and this question is a great springboard into other, far more interesting topics.” That’s a lot of hidden information for one little question to represent! So when you answer,, you can tailor your answer to make sure you fulfill all the asker aims:  You explain what you do in an interesting and amusing manner.  You phrase your answer in a manner that gives some insight into yourself, e.g. an opinion or a few details about what you do.  You prove that you’re a considerate conversationalist. And, as a secret extra that the asker wasn’t thinking of:  You phrase your answer in a manner that highlights the benefits of your job that might be of relevance or potential assistance to them. Let’s look at an example. Say you’re a beauty therapist. Instead of answering the “So, what do you do?” question with a bald statement of fact - “I’m a beauty therapist” - you could say, “I help women get in touch with their most beautiful self. I’m a beauty therapist at a little salon in the middle of town. At the moment, my work’s based around massage therapy and different methods of relaxing. My specialty is reducing the psychological and physical effects of stress and overwork through Swedish massage.” This is a fantastic answer!


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You’re being a generous, interesting conversationalist. You’re giving them a whole load of information, which gives them the choice to take the conversation in any one of a number of different directions. You’ve also given them a few tips about yourself. Clearly, you like your work (always an attractive quality in someone), since you’re so enthusiastic and positive about it, and you’ve made yourself sound skilled and talented at your job, through excellent application of the benefit statement. The benefit statement is the best way possible of talking yourself up without bragging. The answer is entirely relevant to the question, and it doesn’t sound as though your original intention was to make yourself sound good – you’re merely providing an extra few details in your answer – but the effect remains the same. You’ve now associated yourself with positive qualities in this person’s eyes and mind. Can you tell which part the benefit statement was in the example above? In the example I gave, the benefit statement was “reducing the psychological and physical effects of stress and overwork through Swedish massage.” You didn’t just tell them you were a masseuse. You made your job sound tantalizing and interesting! You made yourself sound skilled and talented, and you packaged your answer in a nifty little sound-bite which will stick in their minds. An unexpected bonus to the benefit statement is that your conversation partner might not need a massage therapist at the moment, but if they DO in future, or if they know someone who does, they might just mention your salon. And you could get an unexpected commercial benefit to your artistry in conversation!

“The benefit statement is the best way possible of talking yourself up without bragging.”

If you’re neither a beauty therapist or a masseuse, you might be wondering how to craft your own benefit statement. Here are a few more examples of good answers to the question, “So what do you do?”


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For a dog-trainer. “I rehabilitate troubled dogs from shelters and bad homes, and help them to maximize their chances of finding a new, loving home by teaching them good manners and social skills. Right now, I’m working with a Pit Bull called Manny, who had a real problem with human aggression; we’ve been working together for a few weeks now, and he’s really starting to come around!”

For an accountant. “I help people figure out their financial affairs so they’re in the best possible shape to get on with the rest of their lives.”

A website designer. “I create online stores for my clients in a way that reflects their commercial credo, the quality of their goods, and the sorts of customers they’re aiming for.”

Do you see where I’m going with this? It’s possible to package up any job with a statement that makes it sound interesting and beneficial. This, in turn, makes you sound like an interesting and positive person, without bragging. It also supplies your conversation partner with the option to choose in which direction the conversation goes. Altogether, it gives the conversation a real boost!


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How to Avoid the “Brush-Off” Striking up a conversation with someone you’ve never met before can be a challenge. Not only do you have to think about what to say, but you also have to take care to avoid getting the “brush-off.” The brush-off is what you get when you’re barking up the wrong tree … when that person, for whatever reason, isn’t interested in talking to you. Obviously, this is a situation you’d like to avoid as much as possible. Having invested the time and energy in scoping out the situation and actually approaching the person you’re interested in, nobody wants to waste all that effort by getting brushed off. The main reason for most brush-offs, believe it or not, is NOT because the conversation leaves a little something to be desired, or because the approachee isn’t attracted to the approacher. Rather, it’s because the approachee feels too much pressure is being placed upon them. They’re not sure how much of a time/interaction investment the other person is wanting them to make. They don’t know how long this person’s going to be hanging around for! This makes people nervous. They start wondering, “Is he/she going to be hovering over me for the rest of the night? How do I get them to go away if things turn sour? What am I meant to do if I want to talk to my friends again soon? Is this going to get awkward?” Nine times out of ten, the apprehensive approachee decides to pre-empt any potential ugliness by curtailing the conversation, pronto. They feel that this is the most user-friendly and safe option, because nobody loses any face, no awkward words are exchanged, and the tone of the night (or day) hasn’t been negatively impacted.

“The approachee feels too much pressure is being placed upon them.”


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So the approachee brushes off the approacher and turns back to their friends with a, “Whew! That guy/girl was kinda cute, but I hate it when people hover like that.” They order another shot of tequila, and that’s that. That’s an example of a typical brush-off. It’s not pretty. It’s downright annoying, in fact. And, if you really like the person you approached, it can even be painful. Fortunately, it’s easy to prevent! All you have to do to avoid being brushed-off is to introduce some sort of time constraint into the conversation. Let that person know that you’re not going to be hovering over them for an unlimited length of time. This is not only good news for the conversation, as the other person is now free to enjoy your company without being distracted by worries about the potential outcome, but good news for your image, too. Letting the other person know that you have to get back to your buddies soon makes it quite clear that you’re not just out “on the pull.” You have plans, you have people you’re meant to be hanging out with, but you just couldn’t resist coming over to say hi. How does a time constraint work? It’s a lot easier than you might think. No tricky tie-ins, no convoluted explanations, just a simple aside before carrying on with the conversation. Ready? What you have to say is: “I’ve got to get back to my friends in a minute, but ….” And then you carry on. That’s it. Easy!


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Here’s an example. Opener: Hey guys, I’ve got a serious question for you. Really, I need you to pay close attention and give this some real thought, because I don’t have long. I need to get back to my buddies so we can settle this debate once and for all. Now … is Rachel Hunter/Robbie Williams/David Bowie/Jennifer Aniston/ (another dubiously “attractive” celebrity) actually hot? This is a deceptively simple trick to use, but it’s incredibly effective. As soon as you introduce that time constraint, you’re actively lowering the other person’s defenses against “the hover.” They now know that you’re not going to be hanging around all night trying to curry favor, so they’re free to relax and engage in a bit of harmless flirtation without worrying that you’ll take it the wrong way and become a social burden. In addition, it gives you the perfect “out” if you find out that your new conversational partner isn’t as appealing as you thought!


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How to Talk to a Group The prospect of having to communicate with large groups of people is frequently enough to make even the most dyed-in-the-wool accomplished socialite quail. There’s just something about a sea of unknown faces that’s inherently unsettling. It’s enough to make you want to curl up your toes and admit defeat and go home right now without further ado. The problem seems usually to be centered on what to say. Most people are afraid that they won’t come off as quick-witted or sharp enough, that they won’t know how to be funny, they might seem mealy-mouthed or inadequate, and that other people will be bored by their company. This is a reasonable enough fear: we all want to be liked. And conversely – and somewhat predictably – we’re all afraid, to some extent, that the situation will arise one day when we will fall flat on our faces, socially speaking – be pushed out the airplane door without a parachute. Often, the fear itself is enough to accomplish what it is that we’re so afraid of. The possibility of making a fool of ourselves is so overwhelming that we either avoid the situations in which it might happen outright, or the dreaded sequence of events takes place and we humiliate ourselves. Either outcome does nothing to shake the underlying belief that it is an impossible challenge to present yourself well and enjoy yourself in a large group of unknown people, or the belief that only certain innately-blessed people don’t become tongue-tied, blushing parodies of themselves in the company of attractive strangers. Fortunately, acquitting yourself with aplomb in a group isn’t all about what you say. There’s a great deal more to getting on with large numbers of people than simply saying the right thing at the right time.


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Get an “In” First of all, you need to break the ice. This is what’s known as “working the crowd.” Even if you turn up to a social event completely solo, it’s surprisingly easy to do. All you have to do is turn up to the event and scope out the social surroundings for a moment or two. Take a look at the room and the people within it. Size up the groups until you see one you like the look of. Then meander over and stand a few feet away. At this point, you’re actually going to be eavesdropping, which is usually socially taboo but acceptable in social situations where conversations are meant to be public and inclusive. After you’ve got the general gist of the conversation, think of a couple of things you’ve got to say about it. Then simply attach yourself to the group. You can either draw attention to yourself by saying something like, “Excuse me, I just couldn’t help but overhear that you were discussing (insert your pertinent observation/opinion here),” or you could simply interject a few neutral, convivial statements to the conversation. People MAY appear to be slightly taken aback. It’s not often that someone demonstrates the cojones to not only appear solo at a social gathering but also broadcast that fact by brazenly and unflinchingly infiltrating a group of strangers. But being taken aback and being displeased are NOT the same thing. You’ll find that after a split-second of bafflement, introductions will naturally follow, and you’ll be in the conversation.

“Scope out the social surroundings.”

So that’s your first goal achieved: to insinuate yourself into the social network that, just moments ago, you were viewing as an outsider. You’re in! But what to say and how to act once you’re in?


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Making Conversation in a Group Every conversation is different. You’re going to have to put some faith in your own wits and ability to think on your feet at some point. But here are 3 tips for you on how to make the conversation – whatever it ends up being about – as easy and flowing as possible. 1. Project a positive self-image. Remember, body language is IMPORTANT! If you’re feeling panicky and ill-at-ease, don’t let it show: the calmer you appear, the more relaxed others will be around you. It’s a lot easier to converse with relaxed, confident people (even if you just THINK they’re relaxed and confident) than it is with someone who’s projecting a visible aura of unease and jitteriness. 2. Remember their names. Memorizing names is a big stumbling block for a lot of people. Most people normally shrug off their inability to remember names with a self-deprecating shrug and a laugh. In fact, you’re expected to forget the names of people you’ve just been introduced to. But that doesn’t erase the fact that social success depends on you being able to recognize and remember people you’ve met. The best politicians and salespeople know their clientele, and they never forget a face. If you can make the extra effort to use a new acquaintance’s name in conversation – e.g., “I think that what Carol was saying is right…” – they feel flattered and pleased and are likely to increase their own regard of you. 3. Listening skills are just as important as talking skills. When in doubt, remember this ratio: two ears to one mouth. Good listening skills are a fantastic way to dazzle people and draw them out, and it’s less scary than when you put all that pressure on yourself to match witticisms tit for tat. Good listening makes others feel important and valued, and they’ll appreciate you for your implied good taste in choosing to devote your attention to them.


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How to Make Someone Feel Like an Old Friend When meeting someone for the first time, all of us feel a bit apprehensive. Even the most self-possessed among us aren’t as comfortable with a brand-new acquaintance as we are with an old friend. How could we be? We don’t know about this new person yet, such as how well we’ll get on, whether there’ll be chemistry or not, or whether we’ll even be attracted to each other. But a fantastically effective way to increase your chances of attracting the other person to you is to make them feel valued. When you make someone feel special, appreciated, and valued, they’re naturally intrigued. After all, wouldn’t you want to hang out with someone who clearly recognizes your innate specialness? It’s a pretty addictive social drug: once you’ve made someone feel special, they won’t be able to help themselves coming back for more!

“All of us want to be liked for who we are, not who we appear to be.”

So how do you make them feel this way? As Leil Lowndes suggests in “How to Talk to Anyone – 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships,” it all boils down to how you greet them. When you don’t know anything about a person, you can be forgiven for feeling indifferent. You don’t know anything about them, after all. And that indifference is okay … as long as it’s followed by visibly warming up to that person. All of us want to be liked for who we are, not who we appear to be. So when a stranger acts excited to meet us when they know nothing about us (aside from what we look like), we naturally feel a bit suspicious. But if that stranger warms up to us, such that soon we’ve forgotten we ever didn’t know them, then we feel proud that we’ve managed to make someone like us and achieved such a level of intimacy and being comfortable with one another in such a short time.


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You show someone that you’re warming up to them through body language alone. The way you do this is by imagining in your mind that they’re no stranger but actually an old friend. You see, intimacy is not so much in what you say; it’s in how you act. Think about the body language you’d expect to see if you were witnessing two strangers being introduced for the first time. No matter how much they hoped that they would get on well, their body language would still betray the fact that they were apprehensive – a little unsure, a little uncertain, hoping for the best but by no means expecting it. You wouldn’t have to overhear their conversation to parse all this information from the scene: you’d be able to take it in from a hundred yards away. How? Because their bodies would be screaming these facts far louder, and far more convincingly, than a voice ever could! Everything about their posture would be saying “I’m not sure what’s happening here,” from the positioning of their legs and feet, to the crossing of ankles and arms; the rocking back and forth on one or both heels; fidgeting with handbag straps, wristwatches, necklaces or collars; tension in the neck and shoulders; even the distance between their two bodies.

“You see, intimacy is not so much in what you say; it’s in how you act. “

Now contrast this with the body language of two old friends or lovers. From your same vantage point of a hundred yards or so, you’d be able to tell that they felt a genuine affinity with each other, that they were really comfortable around each other and were happy to see each other. Their bodies would be angled towards each other and relaxation would positively drip from every limb. If you got a little bit closer, you’d be able to tell from their expressions: their eyes would soften and light up; their eyebrows would lift slightly; their lips would soften and become full and relaxed. When they smiled, their cheeks would lift and bunch, and their eyes would narrow into those characteristic, unmistakable “happy-triangles.”


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If you could join one of those couples, which one would YOU prefer to be with? You see, ALL of us prefer the company of old friends to new strangers who we really don’t know if we like yet. That’s why it’s so important to get to that comfort zone quickly with someone, such that they’d even chose your company over that of the friends that they were originally with. You want the other person to feel that, even though you may have only known one another for minutes, you’re completely relaxed around one another. You want the other person feel like they’ve known you forever … such that they can’t get their heads around the fact that you just met. They don’t feel the usual awkwardness around YOU that they feel around new acquaintances. It’s like you naturally fit into their life … just like an old friend or lover.

“The human face is capable of over 7,000 different expressions!”

Now, to achieve this, I’m going to ask you to focus on your facial expressions more than your posture. I don’t want to ask you to control too many different variables at once, and often it’s easier to control your facial expression than your body posture. Because there are so many details to get hold of – the human face is capable of over 7,000 different expressions! - the most effective way for you to act convincingly as though this person is no stranger but rather a tried and true friend is to fool yourself. Pretend to yourself that, at long last, you’re finally meeting up with an old childhood friend that you lost touch with ages ago, but have been searching high and low for years. Really go all out: allow yourself to wallow in it. The more you let these feelings of relief and joy wash over you, the more they’ll show through in your face. Don’t feel like you have to try hard or do anything to make this person like you. Just enjoy being with them.


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Pretend that they already know you well and like you for YOU, just as you like them for THEM, rather than for what they’re wearing or for the hope that you’ll get together. Your reaction to being with this person – with genuine, joyful smile and visible warmth – will make them feel incredibly special … and incredibly drawn to you, too! The Old Friend greeting is a fantastic gift to bestow on someone. For the rest of the day, they’ll feel that special kind of warmth inside that’s only generated by a real connection with someone unique. A less altruistic plus is that they’ll also likely be very kindly disposed towards you as well. Aside from the complimentary glow of being appreciated in their own right, they’ll also feel that you must be a really special person, too. After all, you’ve clearly recognized – and responded to – their own innate specialness!


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The Art of Confident Conversation There are two basic rules to being a fantastic conversationalist: 1. It’s not what you say; it’s how you say it that counts. 2. It’s better to be interested than interesting. So what are these rules all about?

It’s Not What You Say; It’s How You Say It This means that the attitude that you appear to have about yourself and the things that you say is what will cue your conversation partners about how they should be acting and thinking of you and your contributions to the conversation. You could have the most interesting and relevant-to-the-current-topic facts in the world to bring to the table, but if you say them with a lowered chin, furtive, shifty eyes, and a mumbling, quiet voice, how do you think that everyone’s going to react? They won’t quite know what to do. You’re putting them in an awkward position. Social etiquette dictates that they should react with politeness and interest, BUT, on the other hand, whatever it was you said really can’t be that interesting or important, or else you’d have said it with conviction and passion … right? Maybe not from your point of view. You know that your points are wildly interesting and completely relevant. But, unfortunately, nobody else is going to know it unless you say so. And how can you say so? The answer is NOT “with words.” The above example should make it clear just how unimportant your words actually are! You say it with your body language and your voice.


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The body language of someone who’s got something interesting and important to say commands attention. To a person who expects their conversational contributions to be received with interest and applause, their body language reflects this expectation – and it’s also what ensures that their expectations are met! To come across as a confident conversationalist, exercise some of the basic rules of good posture.  Shoulders back and down  Chin up slightly (no need to put your nose in the air, but keep that head up!)  Face your fellow raconteurs head-on.  Make direct eye contact and, if you’re talking to more than one person, alternate eye contact among all of them.  Keep fidgeting to a minimum.  If you’re standing, keep your heels a few inches apart, and put your weight on one leg. If you’re sitting, keep your back erect but relaxed. Your delivery counts, too. Now, I’m not saying you have to make a real production out of it, but someone who speaks with conviction and passion can get away with saying the most trite, banal things. The spirit with which these bland conversational nuggets are delivered adds spice and zest, as well as makes the topic interesting when it otherwise might not be. You don’t need to be saying anything particularly original or scintillating. You can start any conversation off with the most mundane of social civilities – and keep your conversational partners interested and at ease – as long as you do it with conviction.


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So speak clearly. Pitch your voice at a medium volume and act interested in what you have to say. Make it clear that you expect the other person to be interested, too. Here’s how to do this:  Maintain eye contact.  Gesture. Use your body and hands to punctuate your sentences.  Use your face. Expression adds so much to a conversation. Facial expressions take a conversation from blah-blah-boring to animated and compellingly interesting. Even if you’re not 100% sure that what you have to say will fall upon eager ears, act as though you’re sure. This is a real self-fulfilling prophecy. The results will mimic your expectations. Just make it clear what your expectations are by using your body and face to court attention and interest!

It’s Better to Be Interested than Interesting Don’t misinterpret this to mean that you shouldn’t put ANY effort at all into being interesting. What this means is something very different. It means that keeping the attention on yourself (by being interesting) can be LESS effective than putting the attention on the other person (by being interested). In most conversations, you will not have to be the one doing 90% of the work. Ifyou ARE, then it’s not a conversation at all, but rather a monologue. There’s no need for you to put pressure on yourself to be the most fascinating, witty, and scintillating conversationalist in the world. Remember that the other person should contribute at least 50% to the conversation, too! All the responsibility does NOT lie on your shoulders.


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Unfortunately, many people think that the success of a conversation lies on their ability to be interesting. “What can I possibly have to say that will be of interest to this person?” they might think. “What on earth am I going to say? I don’t know what to talk about. I certainly don’t know how to start the conversation off with a bang.” And so they shoot themselves down before they’ve even given themselves a chance. The conversation never eventuates, and that person misses out on a potential connection with somebody they felt drawn to. There’s no need for you to be THAT nervous. Think about this instead: When it comes to conversation, everyone’s worrying about themselves! When you’re worrying about how interesting and attention-holding you are, your conversation partner is doing the exact same thing – about themselves. Make this fact work in your favor. Recognize that your conversation partner is worried about how they’re coming across, and then help them out by making THEM feel as if what they’re saying is really interesting (regardless of what they’re actually saying!).

“Give them your full, undivided attention.”

And how can you do that? Easy. By giving them your full, undivided attention, and putting them at their ease by reassuring them, without your needing to utter a word, that they are, in fact, captivatingly interesting. You don’t have to go overboard or gush. Verbalizing these things is actually a bad idea. It sounds insincere. The best way to assure your conversational partner that they’re a fascinating individual who’s got your full attention is simply by making it clear through physical cues and some subtle verbal cues that you’re interested in what they have to say.


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Here’s how to do it.  Focus on listening. Ask a question, and then stop talking. Allow them to savor the experience of speaking with you as someone who actually cares about what they have to say … someone who is not just using their answer as a springboard to launch their own witticisms into the conversational mix.  Ask open-ended questions, e.g., questions that require more than a one-word answer.  When you do speak, use their name frequently and throughout the conversation. Again, there’s no need to overdo it (or else you’ll set those insincerity bells to ringing) but every now and then use their name. It’s the verbal equivalent of a neon sign flashing the words “I’m interested in YOU and YOU PERSONALLY” right above your head.  When you’re listening, don’t just stare blankly. Steer away from the blank, neutral face, and use your expressions to reassure them that you’re paying attention and are enjoying what they have to say. Smile and nod as they speak.  Maintain regular, direct eye contact.  Allow the other person to relish being the center of attention. If they’re telling an anecdote or a story, you can make the experience of talking to you even more enjoyable for them by doing what’s known as feeding them their lines: asking the right questions, at the right time, to assist them in making the most of the punchline and to show them that you’re really listening. (For example: “So then what happened?” “And what did she say then?” “Really? What did he do then?”)  Don’t feel that you have to fall all over yourself to agree with the other person. If you disagree, say so – it makes for an interesting conversation. (Obviously, you don’t want to hurl vehement objections at them. If you disagree, then verbalize it, but do it politely and non-aggressively.)


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 Silence is something that scares a lot of people. It’s related to politeness: the reason that silences get ugly is because one of the people involved is broadcasting signals that they’re uncomfortable. The other person then picks up on this and becomes uncomfortable themselves. It’s a chainreaction: if the first person didn’t make it clear they were ill-at-ease, the silence would have been an easy one, and it would have passed without comment. You don’t need to be scared of silence. If you strike the conversational doldrums, don’t panic. Instead, take the opportunity to check your body language. Make sure you’re not the one responsible for a silence turning sour! If you’re obviously at ease and relaxed, you deserve a prize. By broadcasting, “I’m OK,” to your conversational partner, you’re being a very generous conversationalist and making it really easy on the other person. If you’re visibly comfortable, they’ll be comfortable, too. Basically, when it comes to the art of confident conversation, the main thing for you to do is relax. Remember: 1. It really doesn’t matter what you say – it’s how you say it that counts. Speak with passion and verve, keep your demeanor positive, and you’ll sound exciting. 2. If you’re nervous about conversing with someone, remember that it’s better to be interested than interesting. Use your listening skills to make the conversation as enjoyable for the other person as possible: they’ll remember the experience (and you!) very fondly afterwards.

“Use your expressions to reassure them that you’re paying attention.”


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Taking the Conversation To a More Intimate Level Small talk is great for opening a conversation. But if you start to feel as though you may have struck a chord with someone, where do you go from there? How do you make it clear to them that you’d like to get to know them a bit better? Simple: you have to progress beyond the boundaries of polite conversation. No, I’m not asking you to risk your conversational reputation on any dodgy verbal maneuvers! When I say “polite conversation,” I’m talking about small talk, the conversational equivalent of muzak. The kind of bland conversation that you make with strangers in an elevator to pass the time. It’s what people do when they’re sussing the other person out – it’s the very first step in getting to know someone. So when I talk about getting beyond this small talk (aka polite conversation), I’m talking about revealing a little bit more of yourself. Presumably you want to get to know this other person a little bit better, right? Or else you wouldn’t be bothering about getting past small talk. But you can’t just ask them to reveal more of themselves. That would be both bizarre and ineffectual (not to mention a shade rude). So what you have to do is dangle a big juicy piece of conversational bait in front of them, to tempt them into volunteering more personal information about themselves, thus allowing the conversation to become more intimate and allowing the two of you to get to know each other a bit better!

“You have to progress beyond the boundaries of polite conversation.”

But what can you use as bait? All you have to do is proffer a tidbit of information about yourself. This acts as the bait: it’s very inviting to be taken into confidence by someone. The more personal the information, the clearer the invitation is.


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This is a really good way of sussing out how interested somebody is in you: if they feel the same that you do (i.e., they’d maybe like to get to know you a bit better), they’ll likely respond to your tacit come-hither with a tidbit of their own. If they don’t feel the same as you, they’ll probably keep their personal details to themselves. Another way to get past small talk is to tell stories that involve creating a variety of emotions in the listener. The type of story that you might tell obviously depends on the social scenario that you’re in. Let’s say you’re in a bar or a club, aninformal setting where everyone’s mind is on flirtation and having a good time. This is a perfect situation for talking about something a little wacky and offbeat. For example, I once heard a friend of mine insinuating himself into a group by talking about his ex’s experiences riding a dolphin. (He later confessed to me that he’d adapted this technique from a “canned opener” from the online pickup community, but it was still very impressive to watch). Friend: Hey guys, have any of you ever ridden a dolphin? Group: (various answers: yes, no, what are you talking about, etc) Friend: Ha, that’s a weird coincidence (if someone has ridden a dolphin) OR no, I didn’t think so (if nobody has). Get this: I was talking to my ex the other day, and she told me that she went to SeaWorld and they had this deal where you pay the guy $20 and you get to ride a dolphin round the water tank. Sounds cool, right? So she paid him the $20 and got in the water, and the dolphin pushed her round the tank using its nose. But check this – when it was time for her to get out, the dolphin wouldn’t let her out! He wouldn’t leave her alone and kept chasing off the keepers with his tail – they had to distract him with whiffle bats and stuff! Pretty crazy, huh? In a less informal setting, a slightly less informal story might be more appropriate. The idea is to tell a story that makes the listener actually feel emotion. So, telling a story about your fabulous trip to London recently might evoke a polite, “Wow, that sounds great,” but if you tell a story that actually involves the listener, you get past the small talk and actually construct a connection with that person. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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So a more formal option might be to ask their opinion on something, but to do it on a topic that everyone has an opinion on. For example, you could ask a question about ethics or relationships – everyone has thoughts about that! Let’s take a look at this as an example: You: Hey, I need your opinion on something. My friend and I have been arguing over the question of cheating, right? He’s been with his girlfriend for about six months, and they love each other a lot; but they had a massive fight not that long ago, and she went to stay with her grandma for a week to cool off. While she was gone, he got so depressed and lonely that he slept with this random girl just to make himself feel better. (Pause to allow for appropriate oohing and tsk-tsking if necessary) You: As it turns out, the girl was from Yugoslavia, and she’s gone back there now, presumably never to return. I’m the only one that knows about it. So my question is this: he’s never going to get found out here, because I’m not going to meddle in his relationship. So if you know you’re never going to get busted … is it really cheating? Obviously, you can vary the story/line of questioning so it actually fits in with your life; but as you can see, it’s easy to change the tone of the story to fit the mood of the situation. If you’re already feeling very comfortable with a person, then you can test their readiness for romance by telling them a story about a time you fell in love. Maybe you fell in love with this girl/boy in school, and then they moved away and you wrote letters for a year before losing contact, and that experience spurred you to be better at staying in contact with friends. If your conversational partner has entertained thoughts of being the object of YOUR affection, they’ll respond emotionally in some way. If, on the other hand, they only see you as a friend, you’ll see from their body language that the story didn’t touch them.

“We feel connected with the people that we share our important life stories with.”


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Many people don’t realize the importance of taking their conversation to a deeper, more emotional level, in order to set the stage for romantic attraction. It’s difficult to fall in love to discussions of how much tequila you drank or which is the best pizza in town. It is much easier to fall in love to stories about a person’s experiences growing up, or how they overcame a personal challenge to finally achieve success, or what they dream that their life will be like someday. We feel connected with the people that we share our important life stories with. We feel as if our conversation has moved from the superficial level of acquaintances to the deeper level of friends. Through revealing things about our past, we’ve made ourselves vulnerable, and that vulnerability creates trust. So if you want to take your conversation to a more intimate level, don’t be afraid of emotion. Don’t be afraid of revealing a little more about yourself (as long as it’s positive – you don’t want to unload your baggage on them). You’ll learn very quickly whether your conversational partner is ready for more.


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How to Give a Compliment Compliments are the most common way of expressing your interest in and attraction to someone. Unfortunately, their overuse is rampant, and has made many people wary of flatterers using compliments to get their way. There’s an unspoken formula for the number of compliments you give. Anyone can give one or two compliments in passing, and it doesn’t necessarily have to “mean” anything. But three or more compliments in one conversation is a fairly reliable sign of attraction and interest – and the type of compliments you give signifies your level of interest, too. Men don’t take compliments the same way women do. Women don’t take compliments the same way men do. John Gray, author of Mars and Venus On a Date, argues that the way to master compliments for each gender is to “acknowledge men and adore women” (202). According to Gray, men and women respond best to different types of compliments. Men, he postulates, prefer compliments that acknowledge their status as “provider.” So, for example, on a date that featured a movie, dinner, and a beautiful sunset stroll along the beach, the type of compliment the man would prefer to receive would be one that compliments him indirectly. So, if his date was to say something like, “Wow, what a perfect evening. That movie was great, and the sunset is incredibly beautiful. I’m so glad we did this together,” the man would feel really appreciated and connected with.

“Women don’t take compliments the same way men do.”

Gray theorizes that this is because men tend to take pride in the things that they can do and provide for their partners. So, even though the man wasn’t personally responsible for the beauty of the sunset or the humor of the movie, he would still feel as though he was, and would really appreciate a compliment that indirectly acknowledged his role in orchestrating the evening.


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On the other hand, women, says Gray, really thrive on personal, direct compliments. Women like to be complimented on specific and personal features. It makes them feel singled out and appreciated for their own, individual charms. An example of a successful compliment for a woman, according to Gray’s theory, might be something along the lines of, “You look incredibly beautiful tonight. That dress really brings out the color of your eyes.” This is in direct – albeit subtle – contrast to the types of compliments that men so often give women, such as saying, “That’s a nice dress,” instead of, “You look wonderful in that dress.” The first example is still a perfectly functional compliment, to be sure, but women feel reassured and much more certain that their partner finds them attractive when the compliments are really, truly personalized. All you have to do to personalize a compliment is make the woman the active subject of the sentence. This sounds a lot more confusing than it actually is. Here are some examples to illustrate what I mean.

“What a nice evening!” could be translated into: “I had such a lovely evening with you.”

“I’ve had a great time,” could be translated into: “You’re so much fun to spend time with.”

“Dinner was delicious,” could be translated into: “You’re a wonderful cook.”

So let’s say you’ve given a great compliment. It’s appropriate to your date’s gender, and it appears to have pleased them. What do you do next to prevent the compliment from just hanging there, awkwardly, in the air, paralyzing all other conversation and making your date blush and scramble for words? You know what I’m talking about. You serve up a great compliment – one that’s guaranteed to give your date the warm fuzzies – but after you’ve dished it out, everything kind of .... freezes.

“Compliment on specific personal features.”


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They acknowledge the compliment with an embarrassed, modest little “thank you,” and then ... nothing. You hit a wall. There’s a dead silence. Someone has to introduce a new topic of conversation, stat! To prevent this ugly little scenario from enacting itself, all you have to do after every compliment you give is ask a question. This solves all the potential problems that compliment-giving can introduce to an otherwise-healthy conversation. So, for example, you might say, “Wow, your hair looks great. You must get a lot of comments, huh?” Or perhaps, “Mmm, you look fantastic. What have you been doing today that’s given you such a glow?”

“So tailor your compliments to your date.”

Or, “Dinner was so delicious! How did you find that fantastic restaurant?” Complimenting by asking a question is a great way of preventing death-bypraise from striking your conversation and leaving it for dead. It gives the complimentee (the person on the receiving end) a way to actively acknowledge the compliment, without being forced to restrict themselves to the flaccid, unbecoming little “thank you.” So tailor your compliments to your date. Men like to be acknowledged for providing such a good time/fine food/beautiful surroundings, etc., while women prefer to be complimented directly on personal traits and features. Always package your compliments with a question, to keep the conversation moving along! But what if it’s the other way round? What if you’re the complimentee, and the complimenter doesn’t know the rules? What if they’ve just made an effort to say something nice to you, but they’ve never heard of the “compliment/ question” equation? Well, you can take control of the situation yourself; it doesn’t all hang on the complimenter!


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First of all, let’s just make sure you’re aware of the most basic etiquette of accepting a compliment. Here’s a hint. It’s all in the phrase “accepting a compliment.” Some – in fact, many – people, upon receiving a compliment, seem almost paralyzed by it. They feel as though to verbally acknowledge the fact that they’ve just received a compliment would be big-headed – rude, almost. So they say nothing, or give an embarrassed little nod (eyes averted) to acknowledge the compliment. News flash! It’s not called “accepting a compliment” for nothing. Acceptance implies a certain degree of active acknowledgement, wouldn’t you say? If someone goes to the effort of paying you a compliment, they want to enjoy the effect it has on you. They want to see the warm feelings engendered by their compliment engulf you. It’s a big part of the rush of complimenting someone: you want to make them feel good! If you don’t respond adequately to their compliment, you’re depriving them of that rush – and, to be honest, yourself of one, too. Acknowledging a compliment enables you to savor it fully. Make sure you always thank someone for complimenting you. Never just let it slide and assume that it would be conceited of you to allude to the compliment. Don’t assume that nobody will notice if you don’t thank them, either. The person who complimented you certainly will – and if there’s anybody else present, they’ll notice too! But to say nothing but, “Thank you,” is the verbal equivalent of a cold limp fish. What on earth are you supposed to do with it? It just ... flops there. Inescapable, confusing, and more noxious by the second. So package up your, “Thank you,” with a return compliment. Nothing too major, because that would be the height of insincerity. For example, if they tell you you’re wearing a great outfit, definitely do not try to return the compliment by commenting positively on theirs!

“You want to make them feel good!“


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What I’m talking about is simply complimenting the other person for the compliment they paid you. A few examples of this:

“Why, how sweet of you!”

“Oh, that’s so thoughtful of you to notice. Aren’t you lovely!”

“Wow, you just made my day!”

Do you see what I mean? Nothing too showy or blatantly brown-nosey: just a simple, clear message of appreciation that lets the complimenter know and enjoy the degree of pleasure that their compliment has given you.


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How to Speak With a Sexy Voice Forget the perfect body. An oft-overlooked tool in the quest to attract members of the opposite sex is something you already have and that you already use every day. It might need a bit of refining, but you don’t need to spend an hour pounding it out on the treadmill or enforcing a strict self-denial regime to make the most of it. All you have to do is spend 10 to 15 minutes a day maximum on some simple practice for the next three weeks. I’m talking about your voice … the ultimate tool for attractive, flirtatious, and downright seductive communication.

“Your voice plays a major role in how you present yourself to people.”

We’re constantly making evaluations and decisions on the attractiveness of others according to the quality of their voice. When you meet someone for the first time, you form an instant snapshot of that person. Some research indicates that 90% of your lasting opinion of someone is formed in the first ten seconds of meeting them. That’s a pretty small window of time to come off well! And your voice plays a major role in how you present yourself to people, so it makes sense to polish it up like the valuable resource that it is.

Recent studies have yielded some pretty impressive statistics in favor of improving the resonance and quality of your voice. Approximately 73% of those surveyed said it was important to them that their partner have an attractive voice. Which means that a whopping three quarters of everyone out there that you could potentially attract factor in the sound of your voice when evaluating your suitability as a potential partner/flirtation/one-night-stand/whatever it is you’re after. In a nutshell, you can significantly improve your chances with the opposite sex by improving the tone and quality of your voice. And, even better, it’s easy to do so! You just have to spend a little bit of time doing some quick and easy voicetraining lessons. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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I’m going to give you two techniques used by professional voice coaches to refine, smooth, and lower the tone and sound of their clients’ voices. Even singing coaches use them. These exercises help to soften and even out the quality of voice by retraining the diaphragm (the sheet of muscle under your lungs, which controls the speed at which you inhale and exhale) and the vocal cords.

“The same qualities of voice attract both men and women.”

But before I tell you what they are, you may be wondering what kind of vocal quality you’re going to be working towards. You can’t just decide to “get a sexy voice” without knowing what constitutes a sexy voice! You might think that the qualities of a sexy voice differ between the sexes, in other words, that the qualities we look for in a male voice would be substantially different to the qualities we like in a feminine voice. Not so. In fact, studies show that the same qualities of voice attract both men and women, regardless of the gender of the speaker. Those qualities are:  Low pitch (a deep voice)  Soft, quiet timbre  Slowness of pronunciation and word enunciation And what qualities make a voice unsexy? Again, it’s pretty similar for both sexes:

Rapid speed of talking

High-pitched voice

Loudness of tone

Nasal pronunciation


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Your voice constitutes a big part of how you present yourself to the world. It has a massive effect on how the world perceives you. How do you think people perceive someone with a slow, soft, husky, voice? You got it: hot. Don’t underestimate the sex appeal of a well-modulated, soft-spoken voice! But getting a hotter voice isn’t as easy as trying to remember to speak more slowly and deeply. Your vocal quality is influenced by your vocal apparatus, which includes muscles that you can train like any other muscle in your body. That’s why I want to give you two exercises that can actually retrain your voice to sound sexier. Now, you don’t have to practice these exercises every day for the rest of your life! I recommend that you commit to doing them for the next three weeks (21 days). That’s enough for your new vocal technique to become second nature to you.

“Don’t underestimate the sex appeal of a wellmodulated, softspoken voice!”

Here’s your first exercise.

Breathing Exercise This is a simple breathing mechanism that teaches you how to breathe in and out with control, which is necessary for a smooth, full voice. The aim here is to limber up your diaphragm and breathing apparatus. Your diaphragm is the hard, rubbery sheet of muscle that controls the contraction and expansion of your lungs. In plain English, it makes your lungs go in and out. Most people breathe shallowly, from the tops of their lungs, and don’t utilize the power of the diaphragm. This results in a tense throat and chest as well as a higher, squeakier, almost strangled-sounding voice. Not sexy! All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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For full control over a smooth, full, sexy voice, you will need to practice breathing from below your diaphragm, not from the tops of your lungs. Here’s how to do it. 1. Make a fist, and hold it directly below your navel – the lower half of your belly. 2. Now scoop in and clench the muscles where your fist is. Pretend that you’re trying to get your belly-button to touch your spine. Don’t hold your breath or breathe in or out significantly. You’re clenching your belly muscles, not your lungs. 3. As you clench those lower muscles, breathe out simultaneously. Your lungs should empty of air as your belly button sucks in towards your spine. 4. To let air back in, slowly release your clenched abdominals as you breathe in. Your lungs should reach their comfortable capacity as your stomach muscles become fully relaxed. 5. At the same time, drop your head slightly back, so your chin is pointing up a little bit. With a relaxed throat, let the air flow in. Your stomach should rise a little bit as you breathe in fully. Practice this breathing routine for approximately five minutes. Remember, you don’t need to breathe deeply, or exhale more than you normally would: the focus here is on keeping the length and depth of each breath slow and even.

Voice Exercise Now it’s time for your second exercise. You’ll be spending about ten minutes on this one. All you’re going to be doing is practicing speaking in a lower range.


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Here’s what you do: 1. Recite the alphabet in your normal speaking voice. Pay attention to each letter: don’t rush it. Enunciate clearly, pronounce each letter clearly and fully. 2. Now, repeat the exercise, but this time drop it down a scale. Don’t be too ambitious: one full note lower than your normal speaking voice is fine. Again, don’t rush the pronunciation. Take the time to savor each letter. 3. Repeat the alphabet a third time – this time, one note lower again. 4. Repeat the process a few more times until you’re at your lowest note: where you can still speak comfortably and without strain, but feel that you couldn’t easily go any lower. 5. Practice at this level for several more alphabetical repetitions. This way, when you’ve become even slightly accustomed to speaking at this tone, the voice range of one or two notes above your lowest range will feel easy, comfortable and natural. Just to clarify, the idea here is not to speak in your lowest possible range! The point of this exercise is to develop your vocal cords so their flexibility increases. When you practice this technique every day for ten to fifteen minutes, you’re accustoming your vocal cords to going that low, so that speaking a few notes above this will, in time, be a complete cakewalk.

5 Tips to a Sexier Voice Once you’ve practiced the exercises above and understood the principles of a sexy vocal tone, here are five points to remember. 1. Speak slowly. People who take their time with their words and don’t rush their enunciation are much sexier than a high-octane chatterbox.


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There’s nothing sexy about rushing. Taking your time with your communication connotes leisure and self-assurance, two essential ingredients in any effective flirtation. 2. Speak softly. There’s no need to whisper and certainly don’t mumble, but your voice should be soft, supple, satiny, velvety. It should purr into people’s ears. On the other hand, a voice like a brass gong is a real turn-off. To maximize your personal attraction levels, ditch the Stentorian tones and keep it quiet. 3. Talk from your chest and throat, not your nose. Some people inadvertently emphasize the nasal tones of their voice when they’re trying to develop their vocal cords. Don’t! It will make you sound whiny and nasal, as if you have a cold. Watch out for that tell-tale vibration in your soft palate (directly behind the roof of your mouth) and nostrils that tells you you’re “talking through your nose.” 4. Practice your breathing and alphabet every day to see an improvement. You can do it as you drive to work, while you walk the dog, in the shower, or while you make breakfast. Fifteen minutes isn’t hard to fit in. 5. Use your diaphragm-control technique in conversation to maintain a full, supple, sexy voice. You don’t have to worry about the breathing routine per se: more just to stay aware of your diaphragm and where you’re breathing from. Remember to exhale as you talk and to keep your breaths slow and even.


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How to Be Funny Humor is the ultimate weapon in the dating game. Seriously, if you’re trying to get someone interested in you, or if you’re in a conversation with someone you think is attractive, the absolute best thing you can do is to make them laugh. Laughter is the universal tool of communication. We’re all born knowing how to laugh, but often we don’t have a real handle on what makes us laugh. People aren’t good at analyzing the cause of their laughter. This can work to your advantage! If you have the power to make people laugh, it’s like a drug – or, even more accurately, like magic. Someone who uses humor to create attraction is like a magician: other people can’t understand what’s happening, or how it works; but work it does. And it creates attraction like you wouldn’t believe. A conversation just isn’t entertaining without humor. Everyone likes to be made to laugh! And the high level of energy and excitement (whether it’s caused by nervousness or not, doesn’t matter) of a first date, or even a first conversation with a new person, is a great medium for humor.

“A conversation just isn’t entertaining without humor.”

Try not to feel intimidated by the prospect of “being funny”. You don’t necessarily have to concentrate on comedy in your conversations – setting out to “be funny” or “make people laugh” is pretty scary to most people. So start small. Once you gain a bit more confidence, you’ll start to see unexpected openings for jokes and humor. Although the prospect of using humor scares some people, it’s actually not hard to be funny. Comedy has its own set of regulations and guidelines (yes, even humor has rules!). To set yourself on the road to hilarity, you need to know about the three different ways in which you can make people laugh - and then it’s time to start improvising!


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What Makes People Laugh? In order to make people laugh, you need to know why they’re doing it. Most jokes are a mixture (in varying combinations) of just three components: surprise, superiority, and syntax.

1. Surprise Surprise is the number-one cause for laughter of almost any joke. Think about it. Jokes are rarely funny if we already know the punchline, or can guess at it; they lose their humor rapidly the more times you see or hear the punchline; if you don’t understand the joke straight off the mark, it’s unlikely that you’ll get a laugh out of it (because explaining something destroys the element of surprise). Surprise is a really important aspect of humor. If you’re actually telling a joke (with a punchline), make sure you give just enough information to draw your conversation partner on, without giving the surprise of the punchline away (and thus destroying the laugh at the end.) Another tip: try not to laugh or smile too much. Firstly, laughing at your own jokes is kind of tacky; but on top of that, smiles and laughter release tension. And tension is critical to the buildup of a satisfying punchline – don’t detract from it by laughing too early! Keep a straight face and let the other person have their laugh.

“Surprise is the number-one cause for laughter of almost any joke.”

2. Superiority Often, we laugh because we feel superior to someone - because they’ve just done something foolish or embarrassing. The rule of superiority humor is, “It’s funny because it happened to him, not me!” The classic example of superiority humor is the pie-in-the-face joke: slapstick humor relies heavily on appealing to the audience’s sense of superiority to the object of humor. This type of joke is invariably at someone else’s expense (how many jokes do you know of that aren’t at the expense of someone or other? I’ll bet not many!) All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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This is the kind of humor where you’d probably want to think pretty quickly to save yourself from looking like a klutz. For example, awhile ago, I was at a party with a couple of friends. I spotted someone I thought was pretty attractive across the room, and – after pigeonholing the hostess and asking, sotto voce, for the person’s name and a few basic, pertinent facts (age, job, etc), I took a firm grip on my glass of wine and started across the room. When I was about ten paces away, I got bumped into by an over-enthusiastic fellow reveler, and my wine spilled all over the floor – which would have been OK, except that I stepped directly into it – and my feet went right out from underneath me. In order to maintain my balance, I had to do a kind of hyper-motion, impromptu softshoe routine (arms windmilling, feet skidding wildly underneath me), just to maintain my verticality. The person I was approaching saw the whole thing, and – with a group of other onlookers - was having a good laugh at my expense (I really couldn’t blame them). Basically, the whole thing could have gone horribly wrong ... except that I turned the whole thing into a joke. Once I was successfully out of the wine-spill and back on solid, traction-giving floorboards again, I kept the “soft-shoe” routine going and turned it into a real (albeit brief) production, with outflung arms and rapturous, sound-of-the-greasepaint-smell-of-thecrowd expression on my face at the end. Then I got up (I’d ended the routine on one knee), and walked straight past this person to the drinks table, like that’s what I’d meant to do the entire time.

“I took a firm grip on my glass of wine and started across the room.”

That person’s laughing-at-me turned into laughing-with-me – and I found out later (after the incident with the wine, I waited a good half hour before reapproaching them) that they had a lot more respect for me, too, for having the guts to commit myself to a particular face-saving strategy instead of just tucking my tail between my legs and scurrying off to the buffet table - which is admittedly what part of me wanted to do!


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3. Syntax (Language) There’s lots of room for these jokes in the English language: many words have ambivalent meanings, or can be construed in different (and humorous) ways depending on circumstance and context. I’d suggest that you get a hold of a couple of good stand-up comedy routines here, and pay careful attention to the way that meanings are deliberately misconstrued, incongruity is maximized, and words are played with in ways that create humor. Go and rent some Robin Williams and Chris Rock stand-up DVDs to start off with – they can both be pretty foulmouthed at times, but if you can tolerate the coarse language there’s a lot to be learned about how to make people laugh – even just from paying attention to their body language, timing, and delivery. A word of warning when it comes to word-play: you need to be careful not to be too obscure. There’s no point in constructing elaborate jokes based around esoteric technical knowledge or unusual word meanings unless your fellow conversationalists are guaranteed to understand what you’re talking about. There’s no quicker way to turn people off than by making them feel dumb – you want to include them in your humor and draw them into the flow of conversation, not confuse and exclude them.

The Punchline The punchline is an essential component of any joke. It triggers the release of pent-up tension and humor, which you’ve skillfully built up throughout the lines which precede the punchline. When it comes to the build-up, you need to be careful not to overdo it with too many words: too much build-up kills the suspense, the interest, and subsequently, the laugh. On the other hand, not enough build-up will leave readers confused. Some build-up is necessary to signal to the readers that a punchline is coming; otherwise, people’s response to your punchline is more likely to be puzzled hesitation than the uproarious belly-laughter you were aiming for. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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One other important piece of advice for the punchline: the funny part should be at the very end of the joke. The part that makes people laugh should be the last thing the listeners think about before laughing: adding even just a few words afterwards can ruin the laugh. The Two Punchline Rules 1. Keep the build-up to the minimum necessary for the growth of humorous tension: you want it to be effective, not overkill. 2. Always place the punchline at the end of your joke – don’t tack on any unnecessary words afterwards!

Connect with Your Audience This isn’t even a rule that pertains specifically to humor, it’s a basic rule of good conversation: match your language and tone to the people you’re speaking with! You’re aiming to create rapport here, not break it down. You create rapport by keeping your conversation and mannerisms appropriate to the people you’re speaking with. Now here’s a hint. This means that you shouldn’t go joking about the time you laced the Thanksgiving turkey’s stuffing with marijuana to the local police chief. If you’re talking to someone from a different generation, make sure your humor and conversation is based around events that they’re likely to know about (so, no Apollo moon-landing jokes for anyone younger than the Baby Boomers; no Biggie Smalls lines or krumping jokes for anyone born before 1975). And keep the words you do use well within the comprehension of your fellow conversationalists! This doesn’t mean you have to use uninteresting, nonspecific words, but it’s imperative that your language matches the abilities of your fellows. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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In order for people to enjoy your conversation, they have to be within their comfort zone. Any puzzlement on behalf of the people you’re talking to, or a pause while they try to figure out what you meant, is death to the laugh – and death to the conversation.

Jokes and One-Liners Jokes and one-liners are all good. Everyone likes the odd anecdote or humorous joke. But you need to restrict yourself to one or two per conversation, because otherwise you’ll just completely dominate the flow of talk (when you’re telling a joke, there’s not a lot of room for anyone else to get a word in edgewise, is there?). Often, the most adept humorists keep things light and funny simply by being frivolous. Funnily enough, being frivolous is the easiest way of being funny. It’s more of a character/mindset thing: it’s all about getting yourself into a playful mood and just going with it. You don’t have to memorize lengthy jokes or practice timing your punchlines: all you have to do is practice thinking on your feet and adapting to the conversational situation to introduce up-to-themoment humor, as things unfold. I know this sounds scary, and it probably will take a little bit of practice – but look on the upside. This is the one situation where the “lowest form of humor” is exactly what you’re looking to use!

“Everyone likes the odd anecdote or humorous joke.”

Sarcasm is touted by most people as the humor of the proletariat: something that makes those of a lower IQ laugh, that is. Well, that may be true for high-brow drama and elitist society; but as far as dating and real life are concerned, you can hardly put a foot wrong if you use your humor to make a (gentle!) target out of someone. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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It’s called flirting! Flirting is based on a popular method of interacting with people that’s based around the concept of social value. Basically, the theory goes that pretending to lower someone’s social value – which you do by teasing them – creates a frisson of attraction and sexual tension in the air. Think about it. When you were seven years old, all the little boys and little girls in the classroom were gearing up for a long adolescence of flirting. But little boys and girls don’t know how to flirt, so they show each other how they feel by teasing each other. Boys make fun of the girls they like. Girls hurl insults at – and talk trash with their friends about – the boys that they like. We adults are pretty similar. We haven’t really grown out of that habit. We’ve just altered it a little bit, coated it with the thinnest veneer of sophistication, and wham: you’ve got a full-blown flirty conversation on your hands. The trick is just to be hard on people. Make fun of them. Pick up on little mannerisms they have or goofy things they do, and tease them gently about it. Don’t make an effort to ‘be polite’ or ‘agree with the other person’: the trick is to draw the focus onto your own personality by making the most of your differences with other people.

“People feel special and singled-out when you pay them special attention.”

Obviously, you need to use your own sense of timing and appropriateness here (there’s a time and a place for everything!), but most people feel special and singled-out when you pay them special attention. And when you make that special attention mock-mean (like when you use sarcasm and teasing), it just adds humor to the mix and creates an “in-joke” between the two of you: you know you’re flirting, the other person knows you’re flirting, but that’s all. Nobody else knows. They might just think the two of you are having a go at each other, or are on the verge of bickering even. This creates a sense of intimacy and joie de vivre between the two of you – it’s a powerful tool to use!


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So don’t be mean about it; see if your gentle jibes are returned enthusiastically before progressing to deeper, riskier waters. But you can have a lot of fun teasing someone and using sarcastic humor to flirt with them – and it’s a highly effective means of creating attraction!

Develop Great Comedic Timing What’s comedic timing? Essentially, it’s the use of rhythm, tempo, and silence to increase and enhance humor. “How is silence important to being funny?” you might scoff. “Since when does anyone ever get a laugh just from being quiet?” Well – it’s not quite as simple as that. The truth is that silence is one of the most important aspects of humor. There are two essential, basic, inescapable components to any joke: there’s tension (which is built up during the telling of the joke itself) and the release of that tension (which happens through laughter). The more tension, the bigger the laugh. An experienced humorist knows that an appropriatelyused silence (called a pause, or – in the vernacular – a beat) actually increases the tension, and thus the laugh – especially when that pause comes just before the punchline. When you’re making a joke – whether it’s a formal, structured, memorized joke, or an organic spur-ofthe-moment character-based funny – you need to give your audience (your conversational partner) time to savor and enjoy the build-up of tension.

“Remember, pause for at least one beat before delivering any punchline.”


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When the beat comes just before the punchline, it does three things: 1. It signals to the audience that the punchline is coming. 2. It dramatically increases the tension and suspense at a critical moment. 3. The ‘funniness’ of the joke is increased (more tension requires more of a release). Sometimes, inexperienced wannabe humorists assume that there must be a kind of recipe for the perfect joke: that to elicit this many decibels of laughter, you must pause for x number of seconds at such-and-such a moment. In truth, there’s no such rule when it comes to comedic timing. For natural comedians, timing is purely instinctive: an unlearned ability to know when to pause, and exactly how long for. Because each jokes and humorous phrase is different, there really is no formal strategy for learning good comedic timing other than the necessity of pausing before a punchline. Any time you want to elicit a laugh, make sure you pause for a beat (a second or two) before and after the punchline. This is to enable your audience to savor the build-up of tension (before the punchline) and enjoy its release (after the punchline).

“Go out and rent a couple of stand-up comedy routines.”

If you’ve ever watched a comedy show on TV, you’ll notice that the actors pause for a beat just before making a crack. Then, while the audience laughs, they pause what they’re doing and allow the laughter to build to a crescendo.

Once they’ve elicited a laugh, they don’t just sally on regardless with the next lines. Good comedians understand that, to enable an audience to really enjoy the joke, they need to be allowed the time to wallow in the laughter.


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When things calm down a bit, then they move on to the next line – but not before. They know how to use the pause to its best possible advantage! You need to employ this trick in your own conversations too: the art of the pause. Remember, pause for at least one beat before delivering any punchline; and wait for a moment afterwards too, before taking up the reins again. To give you a better idea of what I’m talking about, I suggest you study the real artists themselves: stand-up comedians. It’s just about impossible to convey the art of conversational comedy in writing – the pauses, the delivery, the inflection, the gestures, the attitude, the rhythm, are all important parts of successful humor. The most effective (and enjoyable!) way of picking all this up for yourself is from seeing it in action. Here’s what I suggest: go out and rent a couple of stand-up comedy routines (sometimes called comedy concerts). You’re going to watch them three times each. The first time, you’ll just be watching purely for enjoyment, to pick up the atmosphere and form your own, unstructured impressions of the act. The second time, watch with your eyes closed. Pay attention to the voice of the comedian: the rise and fall of it, the intonation, the volume, the changing rhythms and tempo, the pauses. When you hear something that really makes you laugh, rewind it and play it again, still with your eyes closed – with only your ears as a tool, you’ll find it a lot easier to grasp the importance of timing. The third time, you’re going to watch with the sound turned off. This will highlight the importance of physical expression, posture, body language, pacing, and gesticulation. When you combine your observations on verbal timing and delivery with your observations on body language and gesture, that’s a powerful lesson – and one that you can learn while laughing at the same time!

“Grasp the importance of timing.” All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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How to Tease When performed well, a good tease creates humor, intimacy, and electrifying attraction. That’s when it’s performed well. An improperly performed or misguided tease can cause a great deal of offense and inflict lasting damage to relationships. When it comes to problematic teasing, it doesn’t matter what your intent was – only the effect. Good teasing is like flirting: both people are enjoying themselves equally; there’s no sense of inequality or resentment; no feelings are hurt; there’s no miscommunication. Both parties are fully aware of what’s happening and are in complete control of the situation. Contrast that with a poorly aimed or ill-executed tease, and the converse occurs: one person ends up feeling antagonized, not gently ribbed, and feelings become hurt. Resentments begin to simmer. Offense is taken. When a tease is performed badly and repeatedly, relationships have even broken down under the strain of the negative feelings generated by it. So teasing is fun, and there are a lot of tempting benefits on offer to the skilled teaser; but to the ham-fisted verbal klutz, it’s sheer risk. Even at the best of time, there’s a fine line between good teasing and bad teasing. With the benefits and corresponding risks in mind, here are a few pointers on how to tease successfully: Select the topic of teasing with delicacy and finesse. It’s OK to tease about transient, passing things (comments that people have made, actions that they’ve done); less so about fixed, basic characteristics (a hair-trigger temper, weight, age). Keep social status in mind: your own and that of the person you wish to tease. If they’re of equal or higher status than you, your teasing is far more likely to be accepted in the spirit that it was meant – harmless playfulness. If, however, the object of your humorous derision is of lesser social status than you, the sting in your words will be more apparent than the implied joke, and you’ll probably wind up causing offense.


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Teasing is fun – and funny – because it is incongruous: you say one thing, and mean something else entirely. To keep everything above water and make sure that it’s clear that you’re teasing, make sure your body language and gestures are contradicting your meaning. The more obvious, the better (at least until your target becomes more familiar with your teasing style). You want to create and intensify a bond, not ruffle feathers!


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How to Flirt Non-Verbally As you know by now, the significant majority of our communication takes place non-verbally. Words are almost extraneous to communication. This is true of flirting as much as anything else. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that it applies more to flirting than to just about any other area of communication. When you’re in the company of a person whom you like and whose positive attention you wish to attract, your body will make your attraction clear – to the person who knows how to look – as much as if you’d shouted the truth through a megaphone. There’s no fooling your body. Unless you’re a real master of physical selfcontrol and are unusually self-aware, it’s just about impossible to “lie” through your body, regardless of the words that are coming out of your mouth. When you’re flirting with someone, it’s often much more appropriate – and much more fun – to imply your meaning, rather than coming right out and baldly stating the facts. Instead of just telling someone that you’re attracted to them, it’s a lot more effective and interesting to hint at your feelings and see if they respond in kind.

“Your body will make your attraction clear.”

It’s called flirting, and it’s much easier to flirt well when (1) you know what you’re doing, and (2) you know what signals to look out for that will tell you whether your feelings are reciprocated or not. Here are some quick pointers for non-verbal flirting to give you an idea of the behaviors and movements that someone who’s flirting (or wishing to flirt) will typically display. First, we’ll look at non-gender specific behaviors, then we’ll discuss male gestures, and finally we’ll look at female ones.


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Flirting for Both Sexes Both men and women make several adjustments to their appearance when they’re in the presence of someone they’re attracted to. Perhaps these gestures can’t be called flirtatious gestures in the true sense of the word, but they still tend to signify attraction, and so can be useful to base further flirtations upon. One such example is preening. Both men and women make preening gestures when someone they’re attracted to is approaching. Men typically will adjust a tie, collar, or cufflinks, and smooth their hair; they will also brush imaginary dust from their shoulders and clothing. Women will smooth their clothes, and touch and play with their hair.

“Women will smooth their clothes, and touch and play with their hair.”

Something else that both genders do is to attempt to make themselves more attractive through adjusting their physical posture. Stomachs are pulled in, hunchbacks and slumps are corrected, shoulders are drawn back and down, chins are lifted, and the spine is lengthened.

Both genders will also exhibit a number of specific, flirtatious gestures: direct, prolonged eye contact, excessive smiling and laughing, and general bodyangling (the body is directly facing towards the object of attraction). A major signal of attraction is when a person of either gender engages in a behavior known as mirroring. This is when one person – or both, if the attraction is mutual – will unconsciously mirror each other’s gestures and behaviors. This is a known technique for setting people at ease (job interviewers frequently use it for nervous candidates) and, although it may sound bizarre, it actually works. It’s a potent, yet tacit, way of conveying to someone that you’re in agreement with their attitude, ideas, and that you generally think they’re pretty OK.


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Non-Verbal Flirting for Men Here are some of the typical gestures that men tend to display when they’re flirting:

It might sound a little vulgar, but the crotch figures much more prominently in flirting behavior than it otherwise would. The most marked gesture is the “thumbs in belt” one, where the man will hook his thumbs into his belt and parenthesize his genitals with the rest of his fingers.

When seated or leaning (against a wall, for example), the legs will likely be spread a little wider than normal. Again, this places greater emphasis on the crotch (know as a “crotch display”).

Hands are placed on hips to give the appearance of greater physical size.

The chest is inflated or tensed to increase the appearance of great physical size and strength.

Muscles which normally would be slack are tensed, particularly in the neck, shoulders, abdominals, and arms.

A particular kind of eye contact is made, where the eyes of the male will flicker between the eyes of the female and her décolletage. If he’s at a distance from the female, the eyes will flick between her own eyes and her crotch.


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1.

Non-Verbal Flirting for Women

Females have a great deal more non-verbal flirtation tools at their disposal than males do! There’s quite a wide array of gestures that a female who wishes to broadcast her flirtatious state of mind will engage in. Here are a few of the more common ones:

The head toss. Regardless of the length of the actual hair (even short-haired women do this), she’ll toss her head as if to get her hair out of her face. The subtext, of course, is that she’s glamorous, feminine, and high-spirited.

This one’s so traditionally feminine that it’s almost clichéd: the wrist-flash. The inner wrist has long been viewed as one of the most erotic parts of the body – if she shows her inner wrist when she’s smoking, fiddling with an earring, or playing with her hair, it’s a signal of interest. (The converse is also true: the back of the wrist, if placed prominently, can signal distinct disinterest and boredom.)

Legs crossed high at the thigh. The higher the leg is crossed, the more of an invitation is being proffered.

Touching the décolletage and shoulders/neck lightly with the fingertips. These are no-go areas for everyone except a lover: by touching herself here, she’s drawing attention to her breasts and hinting that she’d like to be touched there.

Partially open, moist lips (either with saliva or cosmetics). This is what’s called self-mimicry, since it mimics the appearance of the female genitals in a state of sexual arousal.

“Hesitant” eye contact: she’ll make eye contact, then dip her eyes to the floor, then re-establish (brief) eye contact again. This makes the eyelashes flutter, and gives the enticing appearance of “peeping”, which conjures up all sorts of naughty connotations.

The sideways glance (often over one shoulder, and often accompanied with semi-open lips). This is usually performed with lowered eyelids, and – as in the example above – eye contact is usually not prolonged; it’s broken reasonably quickly, and then re-established soon afterwards.


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So that’s a quick list of some of the most recognizable, unmistakable “courtship signals” that each gender displays when they’re feeling flirtatious. You can use your knowledge of these signals to figure out if someone’s attracted to you, or to convey to the object of your desire that you’re feeling attracted to them, which can get the ball rolling nicely – but, if the attraction’s genuine, you’ll probably already be displaying some (or all) of them without knowing! Now, this next bit might sound a little bit manipulative, but it’s such a juicy technique that I just couldn’t resist sharing it with you. These non-verbal flirtation techniques are all excellent ways to plant the idea of dating into someone’s head. When you’re a successful non-verbal flirt, you can literally get someone to ask you out ... without having to say a word about it. That’s because body language is such a powerfully suggestive tool that it places ideas into people’s heads – like the concept of attraction. If you flirt with someone, using just your body, you can not only convey the idea (below the level of verbal and social consciousness) that you’re attracted to them; you can also create attraction between them and you. If someone can sense, on a visceral, instinctive level, that you’re attracted to them (as you’re suggesting, through clever use of your body and facial expressions), they’re that much more likely to become attracted to you in turn. Because you haven’t uttered a word about attraction at all – you’ve just used your body and expressions to subtly, but strongly, convey and create attraction – the other person won’t have a clue that you’ve assisted them down the road towards attraction to you. This is because our culture is so focused around the written and spoken word that we find it hard to consider the fact that our feelings and sexuality can essentially be manipulated (terrible word, but it fits the bill) through nothing but the use of body language. It’s such a powerful tool, so make sure you use it wisely!


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How to Spark Chemistry and Sexual Tension So you’re having a conversation with someone that you feel really attracted to. The conversation is going OK, although you feel as though the two of you could be enjoying more of a connection … as though you could maybe be sparking more of an attraction. So how can you do this in a way that’s subtle, yet effective? Actually, it’s easier than you might think. Here are a few tips for increasing the level of attraction and sexual tension between yourself and the object of your desire.

“So relax. If you’re really nervous, you’ll just have to force yourself to calm down.”

Tip #1. First of all, don’t succumb to the need to impress. Nothing turns people off faster than talking to somebody who’s obviously bending over backwards to impress them, please them, and generally conform to someone else’s standards. What’s attractive is strength of personality: someone who’s comfortable with themselves and who noticeably likes themselves. So practice being calm and relaxed when you’re speaking to someone you like. You may want to impress them, but don’t let them know that you do – or else impressing them is the last thing you’ll be doing! When you’re trying to conform to what you think somebody else wants, the conversation suffers. It becomes stilted, awkward, and uncomfortable – downright ungainly, in fact. Hobbling along in tongue-tied embarrassment is no way to impress somebody, or to create sexual tension and attraction. Attraction comes from connection - and you can’t possibly hope to connect with someone when you’re busy worrying about what to say and what not to say.


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So relax. If you’re really nervous, you’ll just have to force yourself to calm down. It will help your chances with that person, first of all, but it also will help you to actually enjoy yourself, too! And, when you get right down to it, isn’t that the whole point? Ditch the self-consciousness. Be strong in your own personality, and make yourself relax and enjoy the conversation.

Tip #2: Try talking yourself up a little bit. There’s a great term for this: it’s called putting yourself up on a pedestal. This may go against the grain a little bit, which is to be expected – after all, most of us have spent out childhoods and adolescence being told to “be humble, be modest, don’t speak too well of yourself.” We’re told that nobody likes a boaster or a bragger, and, in many situations, this is entirely true. But in the dating world, the rules are turned upside down. What normally would apply, no longer does. So, while I’m not telling you to become an arrogant oaf and shout out your credentials to anyone who’ll listen, I am telling you that it’s OK to talk yourself up a little bit. It is not always good to be 100% modest and humble in the dating game.

It is not always good to be 100% modest and humble in the dating game.

Talking to someone who’s happy with themselves, their accomplishments, and their own individual quirks is a really enjoyable way to pass the time. Such people project an air of contentment and acceptance. It’s inherently soothing, too. These people make you feel as though they’ll accept you for who you are. Their very presence encourages an atmosphere of peacefulness and serenity.


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For example, let’s say you’re talking to someone about hobbies and interests, and it comes up that you just completed your first marathon. Typically, a conversation might go a little like this: Other person: So, how was it to run a marathon? You:

Well, it went pretty well, I guess. I didn’t really finish in as short a time as I was hoping for.

Other person: But it was your first marathon, so you shouldn’t place too high an expectation on yourself. You:

That’s true. Before the race, I was looking around at the other runners – everyone looked so incredibly fit and muscular, I started to feel like I wasn’t a proper runner or something! (Laughs self-deprecatingly)

This conversation has just painted you as an insecure person with low selfesteem. You’re coming across as someone who isn’t able to take pleasure in their achievement … and, even worse, as someone who doesn’t even feel like they’ve achieved anything to begin with. It would be much healthier for you to come across as a cheerful, confident person. Let’s take a look at the following conversation and see how it contrasts with the first example. Other person: So, how was it to run a marathon? You:

Well, it sure was a challenge! I gotta say, by the time I’d hit mile 8, I was sure glad I’d done all that training.

Other person: You must have trained pretty hard for it, huh? You:

Yeah, well, I knew it was going to be a pretty big deal, so I made sure to get in lots of training in the months leading up to it. It was a big commitment, more so than I thought it was going to be, but it was definitely worth it.

Other person: So are you pleased with how you did?


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You:

For sure! I’m stoked that I followed through on what I wanted, you know? I mean, I’m pleased that I even finished! (Laughs.) No, seriously, it was awesome. I can’t wait for the next one.

Can you see the difference? The whole tone of the conversation is different. In the second conversation, “you” sounded like you’d really gained something from the experience – you were confident, pleased with your achievement, and not afraid to convey that sense of achievement to the other person. That’s not to say that you can’t make jokes at your own expense – check the one in the last paragraph, for example. This joke is okay and doesn’t detract from your implied self-esteem (and thus, social value) because it’s a total contradiction to the tone of the rest of the conversation. It’s obviously a joke. So it’s good to be happy about yourself. Not only that, but it’s good to talk about the fact that you’re happy with yourself! Tip #3: Don’t rush things. Enjoy the natural build-up of sexual tension and anticipation. If you sense that there’s a spark there, don’t kill it by drawing verbal attention to it. Foster the growing bond between yourself and the other person by withholding your commentary – let that spark flourish in silence! Another thing: don’t hurry sexual contact. Non-physical sexual contact is fine. In fact, it’s to be welcomed, as it paves the way for more meaningful contact down the line. But don’t hurry sexual contact. Let the right moment announce itself. Don’t force anything to happen. Having the patience and self-control to allow tacit anticipation to build is a definite plus in this situation. Don’t worry, the moment won’t “pass you by” if you demonstrate a little self-control. Allowing anticipation to build is a real art form, and it’s extremely important to the growth of sexual chemistry. You know the possibility’s there; the other person knows the possibility’s there.


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The longer you hold back before making a move, the more the sexual tension will grow – and the more the other person will want you to continue! Let’s say the chemistry’s hit a real peak. You can sense that things are about to move to a more physical level: perhaps you’re about to have your first kiss. You don’t want to rush things, no matter what you do. It’s far sexier to take your time and allow the tension to develop and strengthen.

“Don’t force anything to happen.”

So, by all means, head in for that kiss. But make it slow, lingering, and sensual – move with languor and relaxation. Make sure your posture is relaxed and at ease. Take your time with it. Then, pull back. Yes, that’s right: I said pull back. The trick to building incredible tension and anticipation is essentially to not give them what they want. Once you start kissing them, back off again and resume the conversation. Brush their hair back from their face, or trail your fingers lightly up and down their forearm (maintaining affectionate but ambiguous physical contact keeps the mood simmering along) but hold yourself back before proceeding. Remember, take it slowly: the higher the degree of tension, the more explosive the relief when it finally comes!

Tip #4: The most attractive people are the ones who are comfortable with themselves. I know it’s a cliché, but – like most clichés – it’s hackneyed because it’s true! Let’s face facts here. You can’t have sexual tension or chemistry of any sort without initial attraction – and the most reliable way of attracting someone to you is to be happy with yourself.


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It’s not always possible to “fix” any “flaws” that you might have. You can’t instantaneously gain a set of perfect, pearly-white teeth, a full head of luxuriously shiny hair, a toned midriff, or inch-long eyelashes simply because you’ve spotted someone that you’re attracted to. In the short term, there’s not a lot you can do about your physical aspect. The one thing you have instant control over is your own attitude. And your attitude – the public projection of your personality and your “take” on the world – is the single most attractive attribute that you have. I’ll say it again: Being comfortable with yourself is the single most attractive thing you can do. Attracting the people you want to attract, and then creating the desired levels of chemistry, is all about confidence – so learn to enjoy your own company. Other people will follow your lead – and you’ll have more fun along the way!


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How to Talk to a Shy or Quiet Person The “shy” or “introverted” person represents a conversational challenge to the untutored conversationalist only. “What do I say?” you might wonder. “How am I meant to keep the conversation going? What if there’s an awkward pause? How will I cope??” Relax. The more experienced raconteurs among us know that shy people are not ogres. There are no special rules in place for getting them to “open up”. All it takes is a little bit of common sense and a pinch of good, old-fashioned conversational courtesy. Manners, in short: to adhere to the social protocols that are in place to ensure that everyone has a good time, and that nobody’s left out in the cold. I’m talking about the basic “rules of engagement” that hold true for any conversation: keep an open mind, be relaxed and at-ease (or, if you’re not, at least act that way); ask questions, and pay active attention.

“Having a good conversation is all about connecting with someone.”

There’s no reason to avoid a conversation with someone that you might perceive as “shy.” Having a good conversation is all about connecting with someone, setting them at ease, learning a little bit about them, and being genuinely interested (but if you’re not genuinely interested, it’s OK to excuse yourself!). Shy people, or those who don’t contribute as much to the conversation as everyone else, are no different. How do you tell if someone’s shy? First of all, it’s best to get that habit of labeling people right out of your head. You can’t tell if someone’s “shy,” because, really, there’s no such thing. If someone appears uncomfortable or ill-at-ease, it doesn’t mean they’re a “shy person.”


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They could be cold. They could be bored. They could know more about the conversational topic than anybody else present but don’t want to open their mouths in case they seem like they’re showing off. Or they could be uncomfortable in the particular social situation in which they’re in. None of these things make that person a “shy person,” and it’s best that you get that tag out of your head (and vocabulary!) straight away, because preconceptions about people (especially those with negative connotations) are never helpful when it comes to initiating a bond with someone.

Tip #1: Retain an open mind. Don’t label anyone as a “shy person” - they might be quiet at this present moment, but it’s not productive or kind to look at people through a blackand-white lens – and, furthermore, it’ll affect your overall attitude to that person, which will then affect the quality and direction of your conversation with them. As with any conversation, speaking with someone who might not have a lot to say for themselves is all about making the experience enjoyable for them.

“Take a more active role in the conversation.”

As someone who struggled with shyness as a teenager myself, I can tell you from personal experience that one of the main things that a quiet person dreads about conversing with a new person is the possibility of an Uncomfortable Silence.

To someone who may already be battling the label of “shy person,” these awkward conversational pauses can sometimes confirm that person’s fear that, despite their own desire to take a more active role in the conversation, maybe they are less socially competent than their more motor-mouther peers.


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Tip #2: The second thing you can do when speaking with a quiet person is to put them at their ease. You can do this by being calm and relaxed yourself. As we’ve already discussed, it only takes one person to make a friendly conversation into a tense and stilted one. If one person is feeling uncomfortable, their body language will highlight this fact no matter how much they try to mask it with words, so relax and enjoy yourself.

Tip #3: Ask questions. The best thing you can do here is to guide your conversational partner into an active role in the conversation, and get them to open up a bit about themselves. You do this not by attempting to “entertain them” and take up most of the verbal space yourself, but by asking open-ended questions and drawing the other person out a little bit.

Tip #4: Listen. It’s not enough to just ask the questions. A skilled and courteous conversationalist will also make the effort to be a considerate, active listener. An “active listener” is someone who spends the time when the other person is talking actually listening to what they’ve got to say. This might sound like a bit of a no-brainer, but a great deal of people spend that time NOT in actually paying attention to the other person, but rather in thinking about what they’re going to say next. This is a mistake that’s typical of someone desperate to “entertain” their conversational partner, but it’s a dead giveaway of a social rookie. When you’re not really paying attention to what someone’s saying, you can’t fool them. They’ll be able to tell that your mind is elsewhere.


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“They’ll be able to tell that your mind is elsewhere.”

The expression of someone who’s actively, genuinely engaged in the conversation, and the expression of someone who is trying to appear genuinely engaged – but who’s actually thinking of something completely different – are completely and noticeably different. Someone who’s paying attention changes their facial expression appropriate to the course of the conversation. Their eyes rove around the other person’s face and body, gathering information from facial expression and body language. And of course, they make appropriate verbal interjections, and ask relevant questions. Someone who’s not paying attention is an entirely different matter. Their expression is usually fixed, signaling their preoccupation. Their eyes have a slight glaze to them, and are usually much less active; eye contact is kept to a bare minimum, and they don’t pay attention to the face and body of the other person. The differences are manifold and, despite your best efforts, pretty obvious. To set someone at ease, one of the most important things you can to is to pay them the courtesy of actually listening to what they have to say. Your body language and facial expression will speak volumes – and there’s nothing like the flattery of being the centerpoint of somebody else’s focus to draw even the quietest person out of their shell!

“Pay them the courtesy of actually listening to what they have to say.”


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How to Talk to Anyone for Long Periods of Time Most people, at one point or another, will encounter the pregnant pause ... that conversational Gobi, where all interesting and relevant topics speed from your mind like Roadrunner from Coyote. You’re left standing with your jaw flapping in the breeze, nothing but verbal tumbleweeds exuding from your lips, as your conversation partner’s expression turns from interested to confused to embarrassed to get-me-out-of-here. Relax! This happens to everyone, and it doesn’t mean you’re a “bad” conversationalist. Usually, the problem has to do with the way you view the art of conversation. Most people take a linear view of social interaction. To them, a conversation is like a railroad track. Each person’s interjections are like the bunkers on that track. First, one person says something, then the other one responds. Then the first person says something, then the other one responds … and so on ad infinitum.

“Don’t confine a conversation to a single linear topic.”

This is neither a helpful nor a productive way to think. To me, a conversation is more like a tree. It has an original topic (the trunk), but it spreads outwards into a whole bunch of branches, twigs, and leaves. So when you say something, don’t confine it to a single, linear topic. Make it into a tree and sprout those branches! For example, if someone asks you a question – even if it’s a yes/no question – you have a choice as to how well you answer it. Let’s say that you’re having a conversation with someone about their pet, and they ask you, “So, do you have a dog?” A bad answer: “No, I don’t have a dog.” Cue awkward pause and shifty, fleeting eye-contact. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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A good answer: “No, I don’t have a dog of my own. However, I do spend the odd weekend babysitting my sister’s dog. He’s a Rottweiler/Doberman cross, so although he’s a real sweetie, I have to make sure to be extra-careful when we’re out for a walk – people see us coming and cross the road as quick as they can! It’s a real drag how some people base their opinions of dogs on nothing but Hollywood representations, and I know it bugs the hell out of my sister. She gets pretty sick of reassuring people that they don’t have to cower right off the sidewalk when she walks past with her dog.” This is a great answer to a straightforward question! There are loads of great conversational branches sprouting off from your original answer, which gives your partner heaps of choices on what to talk about next. In the example above, they could choose to talk about the unusual breed of the dog itself and ask more questions about that. They could talk about where you take the dog for walks. They could ask you why you have to baby-sit your sister’s dog every so often. They could talk about the inconvenience of inaccurate media representation and the dangers of generalization. They could contrast their own experiences with their dog with yours.

“Offer a whole choice of conversation topics.”

The best part about this is that you’re allowing your conversation partner to take a degree of control over the conversation. You’re offering a whole choice of conversation topics, so you’re guiding the conversation, but the other person gets to contribute, too, by choosing for themselves to talk about the topic that interests them the most. Keeping the conversation interesting isn’t hard. You just have to supply the other person with enough topics to work with! Remember to grow those branches. Before long, you’ll have a flourishing conversation-tree growing between the two of you! Of course, conversations aren’t all about one person asking the questions and the other person answering them. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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Confabulation is about exchange, which means you both take turns at asking and answering questions. (This might sound like real kindergarten-level stuff, but you might be surprised at how many people think they know this stuff, but in reality fail to put it into practice.) When it’s your turn to ask questions, the rules are pretty simple:

“Steer away from closed questions where at all possible.” A closed question (one that requires a simple “yes” or “no” answer) is the enemy of a flowing conversation. It’s like a cul-de-sac: once you’ve driven on in there, the only way you can get out is by doing a complete 180 (or, of course, remaining trapped there forever!). The most rewarding questions to answer – the ones that give you the most insight into the other person’s personality, and the ones that allow the conversational current to break off into myriads of little eddies and bywaters and tempting little tributaries – are the open-ended questions. To make sure you’re asking an open-ended question, simply factor in one of the following words: who, what, when, where, and why. I like to use this charming little rhyme by Rudyard Kipling from The Elephant’s Child, to help me remember the open-ended questions rule: I keep six honest serving-men (They taught me all I knew); Their names are What and Why and When And How and Where and Who. If you can include at least one of Kipling’s “six honest serving-men” in each question that you ask, you’ll be playing your part in keeping the conversation flowing: nobody can reply to these sorts of questions with a one-word answer!


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How to Listen “Most people listen without hearing.” Leonardo da Vinci Hearing and listening are two very different things. Unfortunately for the quality of the majority of contemporary social interaction, many people mistake one for the other – to the detriment of their conversational partners, and communication in general. To be a good listener, you must learn to truly engage yourself in the words of your fellow confabulists. This is something that’s commonly referred to as being an active listener. Being an active listener is about creating a caring, supportive environment in which the other person feels encouraged by your ability to understand. An active listener strives to encourage and sustain the other person through good use of their listening skills. Many people make the mistake of thinking of listening as the “boring part” of conversation. This is most certainly not true. Listening is absolutely vital to any successful, productive, and meaningful conversation. Without listening skills, a conversation is nothing but two people babbling at each other, each one striving to out-talk and out-do the other. That’s not a conversation; it’s nothing but a game of one-upmanship! Listening – really listening – to what someone else has to say is the most effective way of showing sincere respect and appreciation for someone. Not only that, but it’s a fantastic way to skyrocket your own popularity. Nothing entrances people like the opportunity to talk about their favorite subject – themselves! All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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“Be an active listener.”

Here are 5 tips for being a good listener: 1. Pay attention to the body language of the person you’re speaking with. Use these silent signposts to add additional meaning to their words: this will help you to understand what they really mean, not just what they say.

2. Pay attention to your own body language, too. Make sure you’re appearing interested and focused on what they have to say: the more interested you seem to be, the more of an esteem and morale boost you’ll give your listener. An interested listener spurs the speaker on to yet greater heights of eloquence and scintillation. You don’t have to be the speaker to influence the course of the conversation. Play the role of listener with dynamism and flair, and you’ll be rewarded with a conversation that reflects these qualities right back at you.

3. Remember the mathematical ratio of the Good Listener: two ears to one mouth. A good listener spends twice as much time listening as they do talking.

4. Keep an open mind. A good listener is objective and doesn’t allow their perception of the speaker’s real meaning to become clouded with their own interpretations of it. Don’t project your own emotions and reactions onto what the other person is saying. Wait for an appropriate moment to contribute, and then ask for clarification. 5. Never, never, never interrupt someone while they’re speaking. It’s truly the ultimate insult. When you talk over somebody else, you’re telling them that you have no time for their opinions, and that what you think is more relevant and interesting than what they think. Active listening requires you to put aside your own opinions until an appropriate break in the conversation provides you with the opportunity to furnish your own opinion.


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Here are 5 of the most commonly-made conversational no-no’s. 1. Pretending to pay attention while actually thinking about something else. Active listening is not about inward focus: you should be focusing your attention outwardly, on the other person and what they have to say. 2. Multitasking. Trying to do something else while someone’s talking to you is pretty rude: it’s another way of telling them that their viewpoint isn’t important enough for you to grant them your full attention. 3. Being distracted by the speaker’s appearance, mannerisms, pronunciation, accent, and so on. It’s not enough to pay attention to them; you need to pay attention to what they’re saying and meaning. When you’re less than focused on the attempted communication, you are detracting from the speaker’s personhood. You’re telling them that their physical aspect is of more interest to you than their personality, view on the world, opinions, and everything else that makes them truly who they are. 4. Formulating opinions before the other person has finished stating their view. If you’re figuring out a response before the other person’s done talking, you’re not actively listening. 5. Jumping in with a word of your own or suggested sentence when the other person pauses. Just because someone is “taking a moment” doesn’t mean they’re tacitly asking for help; many people pause to collect their thoughts and orient themselves before relaunching themselves into the flow of words again. It’s highly presumptuous to attempt to finish someone else’s train of thought for them.


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How to Always Have Something More to Say Believe it or not, it is actually possible to train your brain to instinctively have more to say in just about any given situation. Preparing your brain with juicy conversational topics is all part of being a slick socializer. As Leil Lowndes says in How to Talk to Anyone – 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships, you invest time in your appearance before attending a social shindig, so why wouldn’t you want to grease your mental cogs with a few carefully-selected items of local and/or global interest, too? Contrary to popular belief, it’s not alcohol that’s the ideal social lubricant. It’s knowledge. Alcohol may loosen your tongue, but if you don’t have anything interesting or relevant to say, where’s the benefit to you … and to those around you? You don’t need to spend time memorizing lists of anecdotes or writing encyclopedic cue-cards in preparation for social oration (soap-boxes decidedly not required, thank you). Nobody’s expecting you to make a speech, or to punctuate the conversation with complex conversational gems and pithilyput witticisms. But it certainly DOES help to stock your mind with two or three interesting current events and Did you know?’s before attending any sort of event at which you’d like to make an impression. I recommend, as a superb exercise, keeping a journal in which you write down at least 5 interesting things that happened to you each day – or things that you noticed – that would make a great story. Imagine how you could integrate those things in a conversation. We ALWAYS have opportunities to talk about the most obscure things that happened to us … sometimes years down the road! So don’t neglect your own life as a rich source of story material.

“It’s not alcohol that’s the ideal social lubricant. It’s knowledge.”


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But in some environments, personal stories aren’t going to be appropriate. You’re going to want to talk about more generic topics, like current events or popular culture. To brush up on potential conversational topics and ensure that you at least have an IDEA of what other people might be talking about, turn on the radio or TV to a newscast as you’re getting ready to go out. Failing that, invest 10 or 15 minutes of your time in scanning the newspaper before heading out the door. You’ll be glad you did. It’s not just about reading or hearing the information. It’s about retaining it, too. All the newspaper reading in the world won’t help you if you’ve forgotten all your useful current events and editorials as soon as the front door shuts behind you.

“It’s not just about reading or hearing the information. It’s about retaining it, too.”

If you’re anything like the way I used to be, your brain’s like a coarse-meshed sieve: you can put anything you like inside it, but everything except the biggest chunks just falls through the cracks.

Fortunately, there are a few simple things you can do to train your brain to actually retain the information you stock it with. One of the best ways to retain information is the technique I just gave you. Start keeping a journal. You don’t need to make this a time-consuming enterprise requiring hours of your time and an immense vocabulary. All you have to do is write down a few words that sum up the essence of each interesting, unusual, challenging, or just plain cool thing that happened to you each day. An incidental benefit of this is that it will likely have significant benefits in terms of your general positivity and life outlook. Studies have shown that thinking of just three good things that have happened to you each day can have a markedly positive effect on serotonin and dopamine production. (This is a technique that more and more counselors and psychiatrists recommend to mildly-to-moderately depressed patients, with reportedly impressive success rates.) And the more you can write down, the better! All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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But the primary reason that I’m recommending you start doing this is because the simple act of writing things down forges a strong link between events and memory. Think about it: would you study for an exam by just reading through your study material? If you did, you’d retain maybe 3 to 5% of whatever it was you were reading about. As a conservative estimate, you might retain up to 10% if you read through it more than once. Writing things down is a really handy tool for jogging your memory. It’s an effective way of training your brain to recognize and remember the incidents that make your day notable, which helps you retain them for use in those social situations where the conversation could do with a bit of help! Aiming to write down just five interesting things that happen to you each day is a fantastic way of stocking your memory. It keeps those remarkable, conversation-worthy events right within the grasp of your mental fingers – which is just where you need them. You don’t need to write them down in detail. Just a few words is enough to describe what happened. Add a few adjectives to sum up the essence of the experience, to jog your memory the next time you look back through your Journal of Remarkable Events, and you’re set. Combine this with a sudden interest in current events, and you’ll be social dynamite: next time the conversation hits a dry spot, you can nurse it back to instant health simply by reaching into your mental Bag of Tricks.

“Write things down!”


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How to Make Sure You Talk About the Right Things (and NOT the Wrong Ones!) When you’re on that first date with someone, it’s important to show off your best side. This is likely the first time that you and your date have had the chance to be alone with each other in a social context (and one with strong romantic implications), so you’ll want to put your best foot forward and make sure the image you portray reflects your most attractive qualities. You want to communicate a good, positive, upbeat, attractive image of yourself. Here’s something important to bear in mind. Your date is in the earliest stages of building up an impression of you in their head. This means that however you act on this first date is going to have a really strong impact on that impression. Your actions are “worth” more than they normally would be, because your date doesn’t yet have any other attributes against which to balance them with.

“Steer away from negative conversation on the first couple of dates at all costs!”

For example, if you complain or come across as negative on the first date, that negativity constitutes 100% of their impression of you. Let’s say you’re on a date with someone from work. You’ve just heard some office gossip that the Christmas bonuses are going to be cut this year, and that your department might not get any. On top of that, the Christmas party – always a high point in the company social calendar – has been whittled down, thanks to those same budget cuts, to nothing more than a complimentary plastic cup (half-full) of warm white wine, and a bang-free Christmas cracker. You’re less than thrilled about this, and, since you heard the news that very day, it’s still fresh in your mind. You talk about the crappy implications of this – in terms of staff morale, in terms of your own workplace enjoyment, and in terms of managerial fiscal incompetence – over the appetizer. Although your date is nodding and agreeing with you, and all appears to be well, please take note: it’s not. Talking about this kind of thing on a first date is a big, big mistake.


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Of course your date is going to appear interested and caring – they’re probably in possession of at least some vestigial politeness, right? They can hardly roll their eyes and start picking at hangnails or fiddling with the bread basket, or otherwise telegraphing their discomfort to you – that would be incredibly rude. Almost as rude as you’re being, by blasting them with such a filthy cloud of stagnant moroseness. You’re not doing yourself any favors at all by allowing yourself the selfish pleasure of venting on a first date. Trust me. No matter how interesting and relevant that topic seems to you, no matter if it even concerns the other person (after all, in the hypothetical example given above, your date worked for the same company, hence your presumption that he or she would be interested in hearing about the latest piece of bureaucratic ineptitude filtering down from above) ... you must stay away from negativity for as long as you possibly, POSSIBLY can!

“Dont gripe on that all-important first date.”

You could be the sweetest, most positive person in the world, but that doesn’t matter. If you gripe on that all-important first date - if you devote any time at all to making cynical or pessimistic statements - you’re presenting a skewed image of yourself to that person, and you’re portraying yourself as a complainer. A shrew. A gloomy, energy-sapping grouch. A ne’er-do-well. A complete social maladroit.

Get my drift here? Steer away from negative conversation on the first couple of dates at all costs! Allow them to build an impression of you in their minds as a fun-loving, interesting, positive person before you introduce any contrariness into the mix. If the two of you are deep in conversation, and that conversation turns to something you genuinely feel dissentient about, it’s OK to express that – but be smart about it. Temper your negativity with compassion and moderation.


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Steer away from “blanket” negativity; don’t make sweeping antagonistic statements. Remember, everything in moderation: don’t rant! To avoid the all-too-common cataclysm of negativity and subsequent date failure, be positive. Talk about things that you like: things that you’re passionate about, things that interest you. Not only will this portray you as a charismatic, interesting person (who doesn’t want to be around someone who radiates positive energy and enthusiasm?) but it makes you physically more attractive, too. When you’re genuinely enthused, your body releases a potent cocktail of endorphins. Known as the “feel-good chemicals,” endorphins are your body’s own answer to opiates like morphine and heroin: they block the sensation of pain and discomfort, modulate mood, and provide feelings of euphoria. In addition to these neurological benefits, endorphins also provide you with a host of physical benefits: they flush your capillaries with blood (lending your complexion an attractive, healthy glow), stimulate your involuntary nervous system (widening your eyes, dilating your pupils, and lending animation to your conversation) and increase your heart rate (boosting your energy and boosting activity in the neocortex, the area of the brain responsible for “higher” functions like language and consciousness – including creativity and social interaction).

“Be positive and smile”

That blend of endorphins has one other incredible benefit: it increases your smile/word ratio. That’s right: when you’re talking about things that make you happy or things that excite and interest you, as a direct physical response to the resultant flood of chemicals (including dopamine, adrenaline, and serotonin) released into your bloodstream, the number of times you smile in any given sentence increases significantly.


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The average 35-year-old smiles only thirty-five times per day. Contrast that with the average preschooler, who laughs or smiles four hundred times per day! We also only smile 35% as much as we think we do, so even if you see yourself as a “smiley person,” chances are you could do with a few more opportunities to show off those pearly whites. Clearly we could all do with something more to smile about – not only does it make you feel good, but other people are drawn to someone who smiles a lot. Here’s a basic breakdown of the logic behind talking about positive things for you: 1. Smiling is attractive. This is pretty much a given. 2. Endorphins increase your involuntary word/smile ratio: when you’re in the grip of an endorphin high, you smile more without even realizing you’re doing it. 3. Talking about positive things – the things in your life that enthuse you, that fill you with passion and excitement – releases endorphins in your brain. So remember, build up a strong base of positivity first before introducing any negative things. Focus on talking about the things you like: you’ll reap the neurological, physical, and social benefits!

“The average 35-year-old smiles only thirty-five times per day.”


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How to Talk About Interests You Don’t Share We’re all different people. We all have different hobbies and interests. Sometimes these will coincide with the interest and hobbies of the person that you’re on a date with; more often, they will not. It’s really quite simple to talk about the interests you don’t share. You don’t need to know anything about them at all. All you need to do is ask questions, and be sincerely interested in the answers. All too often, the lack of mutual hobbies and interests utterly hog-ties a budding conversation. Here’s an example. Harry: “So, Sue, what do you normally do in your own time?” Sue:

“Well, I’m a qualified scuba-diver, and I love spending time with my two children.” She sits back expectantly, waiting to be queried on these two gems of information.

But Harry doesn’t follow through. Brow corrugated in perplexity, he sits back with an expression of mild bewilderment and concern on his face. Harry (avoiding eye contact): “Oh. Ummmmm ... cool. Scuba-diving, wow. Um. Shall we order?” Your conversations don’t have to go like this! You don’t have to restrict yourself to a dating pool of people who share your interests. Let’s face it, it’s not always easy to find those people, and, when you do, there’s no guarantee that you’ll have the faintest jot of romantic interest in them. It’s much easier, and a lot more fun, to meet and mingle with people who have just about nothing in common with you (at least, in terms of interests and hobbies).


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Not only are these people much easier to find, but the opportunity for personal growth is incredible. Truly confident people understand this fact. They’re aware that, no matter how fascinating their own lives are, there’s so much more to be learned from hearing about the lives and interests of other people. The more diverse the interests of these people, the better! So next time you’re on a date or even just talking to someone whose lifestyle and interests follow a completely different path from your own, don’t panic. Nobody is going to think less of you for not instinctively knowing what they’re talking about. This is a pretty big point for a lot of people: they feel disadvantaged if they can’t bring a hefty portion of information and information to the conversational table under their own steam. They feel embarrassed when someone brings up a topic that they know nothing about. They become uncomfortable, and cast about for another topic of conversation: one which they know something about.

“There’s always the risk that someone’s going to bring up something you don’t know much about.”

This puts them at a distinct disadvantage. And, no, it’s not because of their lack of understanding of the original topic of conversation. Feeling embarrassed whenever an unfamiliar subject is introduced is like having a social Achilles’ heel. No matter how skilled you are in other aspects of interaction, there’s always the risk that someone’s going to bring up something you don’t know much about. And, unless you’re exceptionally well-read, the chances of this happening on a fairly regular basis are pretty high. So adjust your attitude, not your knowledge levels. There’s no need to spend hours cramming through an encyclopedia set, or systematically committing the contents of Wikipedia to memory. The easier option (and the most socially appropriate one) is simply to change your mindset.


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Don’t be embarrassed just because you don’t know what they’re talking about. All you have to do is ask questions, and find out more about the topic – from the person you’re talking to! This is a fantastic compliment to the person you’re speaking with, as well as a great learning opportunity for you. They’ll be flattered that you care enough about what they’re speaking about to obviously wish to learn more; and, at the same time, they get to show off their own impressive knowledge of the subject. You’re providing them with the perfect framework within which they can represent themselves as The Knowledgeable Expert – something that everyone likes to have a shot at now and again! Take my word for it, if you play your part well (as in, you ask questions and actively listen to the answers), they’ll not only have a great time talking to you, but they’ll think very fondly of you for a long time afterwards. We all like to speak with someone who asks our opinion on the topic of conversation! The trick is not to be apologetic. Be strong in your personality: there’s no need to feel ignorant or inadequate simply because your life hasn’t led you down the same path as the person you’re speaking with. Just because you have no experience with the subject that they’re talking about doesn’t make you an ill-informed person.

“They’ll think very fondly of you for a long time afterwards.”

Don’t make the mistake of apologizing for your interest in, and lack of knowledge about, the topic at hand: simply start asking questions. Let’s take the above conversation, with Harry and Sue, as an example. Here is how the conversation could have gone, if Harry had been confident enough (or socially knowledgeable enough) not to be ashamed of his lack of knowledge about Sue’s passions: Harry:

“So, Sue, what do you normally do in your own time?”

Sue:

“Well, I’m a qualified scuba-diver, and I love spending time with my two children.” She sits back expectantly, waiting to be queried on these two gems of information.


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Harry doesn’t disappoint – he leans forward with an interested expression on his face. Harry:

“Wow, scuba-diving! What a fascinating hobby. I’ve never dived myself before, but I’ve always admired the people who do – you must have nerves of steel! So, ever had the bends?”

Sue (laughs): “No, you get trained in how to avoid things like that when you sit the course for qualification. I don’t know anyone who’s had the bends – the last time I even heard that phrase was when I was ten years old and reading adventure novels!” Harry (laughs too): “I know, I’m clearly pretty outdated here. But I’d love to know more. Tell me, where did you get your qualifications? And where was the last place you dived?” See? It’s not difficult to turn a potentially difficult situation into a real opportunity for bonding. Harry’s self-confidence and social awareness was what saved the day here. Instead of retreating into his shell, and allowing feelings of inadequacy and embarrassment to ruin the date, he made it clear to Sue – in a humorous, selfdeprecating way – that he didn’t know much about the topic, but that he was interested and wished to know more. Sue appreciated his interest, and responded just as any polite and savvy person on a first date would: with humor and animation. It’s a great recipe for a successful first date – and so much more empowering than it would be to limit yourself to the people with whom you actually share interests. There are so many interesting people out there, and such a huge variety of fascinating ways to explore the world around us – it would be a real pity to exclude most of those people simply because of a lack of mutual interests. Don’t be afraid to ask questions: your social circle will expand, your confidence (and knowledge!) will grow, and it’s a great way of really connecting with someone. Don’t forget to use my tips for active listening and the art of asking a good question to help you along your way! All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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The Art of Great Story-Telling What makes story-telling such an important social skill to have? Well, that’s quite simple. Story-telling is entertaining. It adds drama to the conversation. A good story-teller is seen as having an active, imaginative, creative brain; they’re able to conjure up emotions in the listener and take them on a sort of “emotional journey.” In addition to all this, a good story-teller is intensely desirable to most people. We all like to be entertained by someone! Now, when I talk about storytelling, I’m not talking about getting everyone to sit down, cross-legged, in a circle, while you relate the story of Baba Yaga. Rather, I’m talking about the ability to relate funny, personal stories – anecdotes, if you will – in a manner that entertains people and leaves them with fond recollections of you and your amazing social manner. Nice! Of course, good storytelling doesn’t come naturally to everyone. I myself used to be a terrible storyteller. I’d start off with a vague idea of what I wanted to say, an even vaguer idea of the reaction I wanted to get from my “audience” (the listeners), and then launch myself into the stormy sea of elocution without a further thought.

“A good story-teller is intensely desirable to most people.”

Usually, this situation would end with me tailing off into an embarrassed little, “And, um, that’s what happened. Uh, the end. Heh, heh,” while my audience gave similarly-embarrassed little titters. Usually, nobody would ask for more. Usually, the “audience” would quickly turn to one another and cast about for some new conversational bait with which to revive the scene. Usually, I’d end up wishing I’d kept my “anecdote” to myself.


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Since then, I’ve crossed paths with the real deal: people who relate their anecdotes with effortless joie de vivre, with sparkle, unshakeable poise, and panache. Their listeners never fail to laugh in the appropriate places. They’re spoken of with warmth by party hosts and hostesses (a good storyteller is always welcome at any social gathering), and their company is generally clamored after. I’ve been fortunate enough to hear them in action enough times to pinpoint the seven steps of good storytelling – the seven things that each of them do, in their own, individual way, which ensure that the result of their elocutionary efforts is what you and I might term a “good story.” In short, something that you or I would enjoy listening to. Something that entertains people. Something that fills the conversational void during a quiet patch at a party. Something that attracts people to you, like flies to the hypothetical honeyjar.

“Of course, good storytelling doesn’t come naturally to everyone.”

So I’ve decided to relate these seven little tricks to you. Each one is adaptable to your own particular style. There’s really no hard and fast “rules” for good storytelling, since each story (or anecdote, whatever you want to call them – personally, I prefer “stories”, since it evokes words like imagination, creativity, and entertainment) is so wildly different. 1. Familiarize yourself with your subject. If you’re going to launch into a protracted story – anything that takes longer than one minute to relate is widely considered to be a “protracted story” in polite contemporary society, since it demands more of a commitment on behalf of the listeners than the usual back-and-forth tennis game of typical conversation – you really have to know what you’re going to say. Exactly what is the story about? What’s the point of the story? What’s the climax or punchline, whether it’s an action or an utterance?


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2. Familiarize yourself with the reaction you’d like to get from your “audience.” If you’re telling a story to elicit a laugh, you’ll need to consider this before leaping off the verbal cliff-edge into the chasmic depths of the story itself. You’ll need to consider, ahead of time, which parts the “funniest parts” of the story are, so you can modify your attitude, mannerisms, and speech patterns accordingly (to signal to the listeners that a funny part is coming up. More on this later). 3. Make it about the audience. Everything is so much more entertaining and visceral when we can identify with it on a personal level. The thing is, it’s really a bit too demanding of you, as story-teller, to expect your audience to be able to reframe your story within the frame of their own personal reference. They’re not going to forge links between your words and their own lives all by themselves – you have to do it for them. And it’s not hard to do: simply rephrase your wording. Instead of, “I was having this conversation with the most annoying guy at work today,” put it into those charming little “personal parentheses” (as I like to call them): “You know, I bet you’ve met a guy like the one I was talking to today. He might even be in your life on a regular basis. I think we all have someone that annoying appearing in our lives on a weekly, if not daily, schedule – it must be divine punishment, surely!” And so on. Reframe it in a way so that your listeners are included in your story. 4. Utilize dramatic impact. You could start off a story about babysitting your sister’s out-of-control children like this: “So I agreed to baby-sit my sister’s two little monsters on Friday night as a favor for her, and they just would not stop fighting. They ended up spraying each other in the eyes with aerosol deodorant – can you believe it?!” Or you could start if off like this: “So there I was. Trapped in a high-rise apartment with two small children and an aerosol can of deodorant. I knew they’d stop at nothing to get it, and, as the evening wore on, my forebodings proved correct.” See the difference? It’s all about dramatic impact. Start off your story with a BANG!, and your listeners will be entranced from the get-go.


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5. Cue your audience. Your listeners aren’t as familiar with your story as you are. They don’t know when the funny parts are coming up, or what the “point” of your story is meant to be. Listening to a story conveys its own set of responsibilities. Most listeners feel a certain amount of pressure to demonstrate some sort of visual and audible reaction (e.g., a gasp, a laugh, a wince). It’s much more enjoyable to listen to a story when that pressure’s taken off you by a skilled storyteller who knows how to cue the audience. Make it clear to those listeners when the funny (or sad, or outrageous, or disgusting) parts are imminent by using your face like a billboard. Cover it with exaggerated messages and expressions to really hammer home the reaction you’re looking to get. For example, let’s say you were relating a story about an outrageous incident. You’re talking about the time you were menaced, in the office, by a defensive and stressed-out member of staff who was under severe deadline pressure and was looking to unload some of the blame onto you. To add spice to your narrative, and cue your audience as to when they’re expected to react, you’d use your face like a street-mime (sans white-and-black paint and irritating beret, of course) to semaphore the intended reaction to your listeners. You’d open your eyes up wide, crease your brow in mock-outrage, raise your eyebrows right up on your face, and crank up the volume on your voice. And, when the climax is approaching, you’d be sure to exaggerate your demeanor even more – because it gives the “audience” an idea of what’s coming next. Listeners use you as their reactionary cue – your face and voice, more than your words, give them a sense of what they’re meant to be getting out of the story. Give them something to mimic: you’ll get a better reaction, and your audience will enjoy your story a LOT more. 6. Use timing to the best possible effect. The pause, as I’ve already mentioned earlier, is a powerful tool when making a funny. Or when building suspense. Or when wishing to imply something without actually saying it out loud.


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When the climax – the focal point – of the story is approaching, take a moment before relating it. Got a punchline approaching? Pause for a beat or two before going ahead. This is another signal to the audience that something important’s about to happen in the story. It allows them to gather their thoughts, and increases the tension right before the big release (the punchline, the climax, the “point” of the story). And, if you’ve read the section on comedic timing from earlier in the book, you’ll already know that the more tension there is, the bigger the resulting reaction’s going to be from the audience. 7. Keep it short and pithy. Pad out your story with a little characterization and a few details, but make them count. Don’t succumb to the lures of verbosity – it’ll just bog your listeners down in unnecessary detail, and will obscure the point of your story. Say what you need to get the point across, but don’t say more than that. If it’s necessary to the gist of the story that you describe someone as being overweight and with a hooked nose, then include those details; but if it doesn’t contribute to the flow, leave it out or risk confusing your listeners. Story-telling is a great skill to have. However, just two words of warning: 1. Don’t overuse it. One anecdote per conversation, maximum two, is OK. Anything more than that, and you’re dominating the exchange. Choose the good one(s) and leave the rest for another time and another place. 2. Make sure your story is appropriate to your listeners. Don’t relate an obscene story about the sex lives of your neighbors to your boss’s wife at the office dance (unless the two of you have a personal friendship which exceeds the limitations of professional protocol!). Don’t litter your anecdote with expletives if you’re talking to a member of your parents’ church group. If you’re speaking to someone who’s more than one generation separated from you (either up or down), make sure you’re not referencing cultural mores that they’ll be unfamiliar with: you risk making them feel ignorant, and will certainly be detracting from their enjoyment. Tailor your story to your listeners, and - as Oprah says - “When in doubt, don’t!” All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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How to Save Yourself from Nervousness Social nervousness can be really crippling. The symptoms are hard to mistake: knotted, “fluttery” stomach, sweaty, clammy skin, hot and cold flushes, dry mouth, flushed or pale cheeks. It’s difficult to tell yourself that it’s “all in your head” when the physical evidence so clearly points to the contrary! Just think how nice it would be to have a guardian angel to save you from nervousness. Someone who would swoop down to help you out of your pit of social woe, supply you with new conversational topics to talk about, smooth the sweat from your brow, and calm your fevered mind. Wouldn’t that be great?

“There’s nothing like knowledge to cure the sociable jitters! “

Well, guess what? You might not have a real, live guardian angel, but you’ve got the next best thing – your own abilities. You obviously care a fair amount about improving your social abilities, since you’re investing time and effort in reading this book. And there’s nothing like knowledge to cure the sociable jitters!

Next time you’re feeling shaky, calm down a second and remember that you can get through this just fine. You don’t need a guardian angel: you can rely on yourself. Here’s what to do. First of all, you need to silence that pesky inner critic. Often, it’s that intrusive voice in your head that makes the most fuss and bother: “Oh my God,” it shouts, running around inside your head, flailing its arms and generally doing its best to distract you from your current conversation. “You suck! You’re a failure! Oh man, you’re going to fail so badly – look, you’re already running out of things to say ... what are you going to do now, huh? Quick, look, they’re losing interest! They think you’re boring! NOBODY LIKES YOU!!” Sound familiar?


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This is the #1 cause of social anxiety and nervousness. At the first hint of physical nervousness approaching – say, you get a flutter in your belly, or a faint dampness of the palms – that inner critic wakes up and starts jumping around. And once it gets started, it’s pretty hard to stop. Most of the things it says are self-fulfilling prophecies (ever tried to keep a conversation going with someone when your own brain is telling you that you won’t be able to think of anything to say?) The main problem is that it’s distracting you from what you really want to do, which is to make a good impression, enjoy yourself, and attract the people you want to attract. You can’t do any of those things unless your attention is directed outward – until you’re not paying attention to yourself, or feeling self-conscious, but are completely engaged with your surrounding environment. It’s only when you forget to worry about yourself that you have a good time. So learning to ignore the inner critic is the first step towards overcoming social nervousness. But how do you do that? It’s all well and good to say, “You need to learn how to stop from psyching yourself out,” but what are some practical tips for doing so? First things first: you need to distract that inner critic from what you’re doing. You need to occupy it with something other than your social performance.

“Make a good impression, enjoy yourself, and attract the people you want to attract.”

And since your inner critic is, in fact, you, the easiest way to do that is to distract YOU from yourself! To do this, all you need to do is focus your energy and attention outwards. If you’re having a conversation, stop multitasking and actually focus on what’s being said. Think about what your opinion is, and articulate it. Pay attention to the person who’s speaking to you. If you can’t do it for your own sake, look at it this way: it all boils down to common courtesy. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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If you can’t pay them the courtesy of actually appreciating what they have to say and listening to their views, then you’re a bad listener. Focusing your attention on what’s happening around you, and the interactions that you’re observing or engaging in, is the best possible way to defuse that critic and stop yourself from evaluating and critiquing yourself as you go. So pay attention to what’s going on: really focus on it. It’s too easy to psych yourself out when you think about yourself too much, so start thinking about other people! Another tip for defusing nervousness is to concentrate on your breathing. Make sure your inhalations and respirations are slow and deep, as nervous people tend to take short, shallow breaths. To reduce the physiological effects of nervousness, focus on controlling the physical manifestations of nervousness. Breathing is the key. Learn to discipline your breathing: breathe in an out to a relaxed fourcount (count slowly to four on each inhalation and exhalation).

“Think about what your opinion is, and articulate it.”

This will prevent you from over-oxygenating your bloodstream (which is what happens when you hyperventilate), and helps to reduce the feelings of jitteriness and general nerves which accompany social nervousness. In addition, controlled breathing helps to control things like stuttering. Stuttering is a vocal phenomenon which typically occurs among very nervous people. When you’re nervous, you start to talk too quickly. This can have a “log-jam” effect: in an effort to speak fast, the words start tumbling out too quickly and get bottle-necked in your throat. That’s when the characteristic stammering effect starts, which can have a really demoralizing effect on someone who’s already a bit nervous about social interaction. So discipline your breathing. It calms down your nervous system, reduces anxiety, and helps to deal with problems like stuttering.


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How to Remove Yourself from a Conversation Isn’t it terrible when you’re marooned in a conversation with someone who’s engaged in the fascination of their own story ... except that they’re the only one who finds it fascinating? Sometimes you just need to get away. But of course, protocol dictates that you have to do so politely and without cutting the other person off. A few tips for conversation management:  Tune in to a new conversational channel. Take active control of the conversation, and when an appropriate moment for an interjection presents itself, grab it. It’s easy to steer the conversation onto a new subject: the trick is to be subtle about it. If someone’s relating a long and wearisome tale about, say, that time they went hunting with their buddies in the hopes of bagging the elusive Mountain Moose, it wouldn’t be polite - or, indeed, effective – for you to all of a sudden change the conversation over to your preferred topic (an upcoming holiday to Colorado, say). You’d need to do it subtly, and in stages. So, you could ask them if they’ve ever hunted anything except the elusive Mountain Moose; then, perhaps, ask if they’ve ever hunted in the Rocky Mountains; then you could casually interject that you’ve heard there’s great hunting to be had in Colorado; and then you could announce that you’re going there on holiday next month. There you go: a successful conversational channel-change accomplished, without treading on anyone’s toes.  Another option for introducing new topics is to assume your detective stance: ask them any interesting questions you can think of, in the hopes of injecting some spice into the conversation. Ask what their favorite thing about their job is, what sort of music they’re into, their longeststanding phobia, the last time they went on a rollercoaster – anything a little off-kilter to radically alter the course of conversation. (Of course, this technique is for use only if the other person isn’t already relating you a story of their own!)


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 If you really just want to get out, be up-front about it. A simple, “Well, it was lovely talking to you,” will suffice – or, if this is too bald-faced for you, you could try, “I think we’re supposed to mingle. It was nice talking to you.” You don’t necessarily have to have a reason to leave, but if you do give one (for example, to get a drink at the bar, meet a friend, go to the bathroom), make sure you actually do what you said you’ll do. If you get caught out, it’s embarrassing for you and the other person.

“Take active control of the conversation.”


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How to Move Things to the Next Level If you’re unsure if somebody likes you as a friend or as a lover, the best way of figuring out their intentions is to introduce touch to the relationship. Do it slowly and tentatively at first, so that – if signals have been misread – you can still leave with dignity. Here are some tips for starting off:

Start off innocently, with the “neutral” areas: hands, forearms, shoulders.

Many people start off with the one-armed hug around the shoulder, as this is the way that platonic friends most often hug. It’s a good way of judging the other person’s reaction. If they shy away, or if their body goes stiff or tense, you’ve probably misread their interest. If they lean into you, or return the gesture, you’re in!

A great way for men to introduce touch: practice “guiding” the woman across a room with your hand hovering over, or lightly touching, the small of her back. If she’s interested, she’ll arch her back slightly and lean back into you.

A great way for ladies to introduce touch: if you’re both sitting down, try touching his thigh lightly with your hand as you emphasize a point.

Generally speaking, if somebody likes you – and if they’re reasonably confident, not too shy – they’ll return your touch pretty soon. Most people will return the touch within 20 minutes.

Watch out for the other person’s responses when you touch them. Body language says it all: if someone’s interested, they’ll invite you to continue by pressing themselves back against your hand, smiling, making eye contact, and angling their bodies towards you. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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If the responses have been positive, the other person is most likely ready to take things to the next level. Try out some less ambiguous forms of touch like a gentle stroke of the cheek while looking into their eyes, or brushing their hair away from their forehead or cheek. If this goes well, you might want to think about moving in for the first kiss.

How to Tell if Someone Wants to Kiss You Moving in for the very first kiss is a pretty big deal – you’re going out on a limb and committing yourself to your belief that they’re equally as attracted to you as you are to them! Because of the potential for embarrassment, it’s a good idea to be as sure as possible that your feelings are returned before you make the move. Here are some tips to help you tell if someone wants to kiss you:

They’ve reacted positively towards initial touching.

They lick their lips often and lingeringly.

They point your attention towards their mouth by fingering their lips or directing your eyes towards them with other objects (like a pen or straw).

They start to eat, drink, or smoke faster: anything that involves use of the mouth and tongue.

They eat suggestively: taking small, lingering bites, licking their lips and fingers afterwards.


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How to Move In for the Kiss If you’ve got a positive signal on the above signs that the other person’s interested, you can make a move. Moving in for the first kiss can be nerve-racking, but try to relax. Remember to discipline your breathing as much as possible and consciously relax the muscles in your hands, shoulders, and jaw (the three giveaway areas that indicate tension to the onlooker). Start off by brushing their cheek lightly with the back of your fingers. If they turn their face towards you, move in slowly with relaxed, soft, slightly open lips. Brush them lightly against theirs. It’s easy to tell if they’re interested: they’ll part their lips and lean into you. If their hand comes up to stroke your cheek, the back of your neck, or your hair, they’re really enjoying themselves and want to continue. You’ve misread the signals if:

Their lips clench or tense up.

They jerk back or pull away themselves, or

They turn their face away.

“Moving in for the first kiss can be nerve-racking.”


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How to Find Out Whether They Want to See You Again It’s not hard to tell whether or not someone wants to see you again – and you don’t have to go out on a limb and actually ask the question, either. The savvy dater knows to pay attention to their date’s body language. Yes, once again it all comes down to the silent semaphore of Mother Nature! No matter what words come out of their mouth, there’s no disguising body language: your body (and theirs) silently screams the truth before your lips even have a chance to part. When you’re out together, pay attention to how they stand and sit in relation to you. How close are your bodies? Let’s take a look at the typical dinner-date posture, since this is one of the most common early-date scenarios. The two of you are seated, alone together, at a private table. Usually, you’re facing each other. If someone’s losing interest or feeling uncomfortable, their body language will be closed off. They’ll appear as though they’re using their own body to “wall you off.” They might have their fingers interlocked together or their hand shielding part of their face (as a “shield”). If they’re touching their hair or face a lot, generally this means that they’re feeling insecure or don’t know what to say.

“The savvy dater knows to pay attention to their date’s body language.”

Hunched shoulders, combined with a tense posture and averted face (for example, the face tilted slightly to one side or downwards, making direct eye contact more difficult) could mean that either the person isn’t open to the concept of a relationship or that they’re nervous and don’t realize the image they’re portraying of themselves.


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The facial expression of someone who wishes they were elsewhere or who is attempting to show that they’re enjoying themselves (when, actually, they’re not) is usually pretty fixed, as if they’re preoccupied and thinking of something else. Their face will probably be angled slightly away. Often, the chin will be down (a defensive gesture), and the mouth will be tensed. The facial expressions are limited and will not readily change to reflect the course of the conversation. If they’re relaxed, at ease, and interested, they’ll most likely position themselves so that they’re facing you directly. Their face will be aimed squarely at you; their eyes will be wide and making frequent, direct contact with yours. They may be leaning forwards slightly, with relaxed, straight shoulders and an erect (but not rigid) posture. Watch for the facial expression: this is the biggest giveaway. Someone who’s engaged in the conversation and the company will change their facial expression often, in accordance with the flow of conversation. Their gaze is direct and relaxed, their eyes are relaxed and smile often, and their eyebrows are slightly raised. When we enjoy someone’s company and wish to see them again, our bodies make this perfectly clear to the discerning onlooker. We come across as relaxed and interested. We smile and laugh often, we pay close attention to the other person, and our bodies are comfortable and angled towards them. If you’re having trouble telling how they feel, take a look at yourself. Presumably, if you’re wondering whether they’d like to see you again, you’re pretty sure that you’d like to see them again – so pay attention to your own body language.

“Watch for the facial expression, this is the biggest giveaway.”

See how you’re sitting or standing, and then apply that to their posture. Does their posture mimic yours (mirroring)? Do they have the same general attitude – relaxed and at ease?


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If so, chances are, you’re in. As easy as that. Even just using their posture alone, without added information based on your own body language and state of mind, it should be pretty easy to tell whether or not they’re having a good time. Couple this with the information you’ve gleaned from the conversations that you’ve had with them – how well the two of you get on, the level of connection that was forged, how much you enjoyed one another’s company, how often they laughed in response to things you said, how many flirtatious gazes were exchanged – and you should have a pretty good idea of whether or not to ask for a second date!

“It should be pretty easy to tell whether or not they’re having a good time.”


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What to Do If You’re Not Interested (And They Are) If you’re the one who’s not interested, but your date isn’t as savvy with body language as you are - and hasn’t interpreted your posture correctly - you may be required to let them down gently if and when they ask you for a second date. It doesn’t have to be the awkward situation that so many people make it out to be. The trick to minimizing awkwardness and embarrassment on either side is to be completely candid and frank (without being rude, obviously) and just act as if it’s no big deal. This is much kinder than overreacting: just imagine how they’d feel if you blushed, covered your mouth with your hands, avoided all eye contact, and apologized profusely for putting them in such an embarrassing position and can they ever forgive you. You would have created unnecessary humiliation for them out of a perfectly normal, everyday situation.

“Remember to pay attention to your body language.”

The classy reaction is to be polite and to not make a big deal out of it. The best response: “Oh, that’s so kind of you to ask. I’m flattered that you think of me that way, but I think I’d better make it clear now that I think of you as a friend.” If you genuinely do like them as a friend, you could append something like, “So, if you’d like to hang out as friends, that would be great.” If you’re just being polite, leave that last bit out though! Remember to pay attention to your body language. Don’t communicate embarrassment or awkwardness any more than you can help it: if you seem embarrassed, you’ll create an embarrassing situation. If, on the other hand, you’re calm, direct, and frank – making direct eye contact, keeping a relaxed posture, and keeping your voice low and clear – you’ll put them at their ease and minimize any possible awkwardness. They’ll appreciate the gesture, and although they may be disappointed with your answer, they’ll respect you for making the best of a potentially messy situation. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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Part III. Relationships. You’d think that the same communication skills that make you great at dating would help you be great in a relationship. Unfortunately, nothing could be further from the truth. The same skills that will get you any number of dates – the ability to get the other person trying to impress you, for example, or the ability to preserve a sense of mystery and not let on how you feel – can actually cause problems in relationships. Make the other person feel like they have to work to keep you, and they’ll soon grow tired of your conditional love. Keep your feelings and emotions hidden, and your relationship will never grow deeper. If you think that you’ve mastered how to talk to the opposite sex in dating, then be prepared to learn new priorities and principles to replace what you’ve practiced in the past. It’s not just about being funny, witty, and charming anymore. It’s not just about having fun and creating chemistry and staying cool. Instead, it’s about negotiating and airing disagreements. It’s about facing conflicts with an open heart and expressing affection. It’s about forgiving and compromising and looking forwards into the future.

“Issues that were once endearing now become a source of serious disagreement.”

Although couples in a relationship still flirt with one another and make one another laugh, the tone of their communication shifts. Their priority is no longer discovering enough about one another to decide whether they want a relationship together. Instead, their priority is creating a sense of identity as a couple that fulfils them as individuals. It takes a whole different mindset to go from deciding what you personally want to do as an individual to negotiating what you will do as a couple.


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In this new era of your relationship, the artificial constraints of dating disappear. As your partner becomes part of your daily life, you begin to see them in a whole new light. Issues that were once endearing now become a source of serious disagreement. Old communication patterns come to light. It’s little wonder that Diane Felmlee, in “From Appealing to Appalling: Disenchantment with a Romantic Partner,” found that a third of the couples in her study said that the characteristics that attracted them to their partner in the first place were no longer relevant six months into the relationship. Relationships change everything, and the way you communicate as a couple will need to change with it. In this section of the course, you’re going to learn some basic communication skills within relationships. They include how to argue, how to disagree, how to show your partner love, how to forgive, how to compromise, how to talk about your feelings, and much more. But, first of all, what does it mean to communicate as a couple?

“It’s not just about being funny, witty, and charming anymore.”


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Becoming a Couple “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” George Bernard Shaw How do you know when a couple has moved from the phase of “just dating” into the relationship phase? It’s when the pair of letters “w-e” start to mean more than the lonely letter “I.” One of the biggest changes facing couples who enter into relationship is the shift in perspective from thinking as an individual to thinking as a couple. It’s a shift that occurs linguistically as well as practically. Not only do you start doing everything together, but you also assume the right to talk for each other, e.g. “Our attitude is that…” or “We’re planning X…” When you can speak for both you and your partner, you feel great. You feel like you are truly united as one. You are no longer separate individuals with separate desires. While this is a wonderful step in your progression as a couple, it can also lead to communication problems that didn’t exist before.

“Shift in perspective from thinking as an individual to thinking as a couple.”

How do you decide who’s going to do the speaking for the both of you? Do either of you really have the right to speak for the other person, especially if you haven’t asked them yet? What happens if one partner starts feeling that they’re not being heard? You see, what often happens in a relationship is that the one who enjoys talking the most often ends up doing most of it. In some relationships, the woman is the one who does all the talking while the man sits back and nods his head in agreement. In other relationships, it’s the man who does the speaking for the couple, while the woman is expected to stand at his side in silent support. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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A relationship with unbalanced communication can run into all sorts of problems. The quiet partner may feel upset when their partner assumes that they have the right to speak for them, or they may feel offended that their opinion isn’t asked for. It’s a serious issue when one of the people in the relationship isn’t being heard – or isn’t speaking enough. According to Barbara and Allen Pease, anywhere from three-quarters to 98% of women feel that the biggest problem they have with their husbands or boyfriends is that their men don’t talk enough (83). The strong, silent type is embedded into our cultural stereotypes for good reason. Many men prefer nothing more than to come home and stare at the television (the modern equivalent of the fire) in silence to recuperate from a long day. Women, on the other hand, relax and unwind through talking. They talk about what “The one who went on during the day, what they’re planning enjoys talking for tomorrow, and what they learned about the the most often people around them. They often expect their male ends up doing partner to be able to chat with them in the same most of it.” way that their best female friends do. As a result, they feel offended when dinnertime conversation consists of nothing more than, “Pass the salt.”

Here’s an example of a typical early evening’s conversation: Woman: Oh, you’re finally home! You look peaked – was it a long day? Man:

Not really.

Woman: Gosh, it’s freezing outside, isn’t it? Did you get caught in the snow? Man:

No, I was fine.

Woman: Did you have to wait long for the bus today? I hate to think of you standing out there in the wind and cold.


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Man (speaking deliberately): No, I was fine. Woman: Well, come on in and sit down. You must be at least a little cold, I’ve made you a coffee. Here you go. Man:

Thanks.

Woman: So how did the meeting go with Anne and Bill? Man:

Um … fine, I guess.

Woman: Well? What did they say about your suggestion? Did they agree that budget cuts aren’t what’s needed by the company at the moment? Man:

They thought it was okay, I think.

Woman: Well, tell me more! Man:

There’s not much to tell, really. It went okay. They’re going to think about it.

Woman: Did they say when they’re going to get back to you about it, or are you not sure? Man:

I’m not sure.

(Silence) Woman (slightly piqued): Are you going to ask me how my day went? Man:

Sorry, hon. How was your day?

Woman: Oh, it was pretty intense. I had a bit of a situation at school this afternoon, I was taking the kids on a walk through the park and we had an issue with a couple of local dogs. Man:

Mm hmm.


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Woman: The kids all got really distracted and wanted to pet the dogs, but of course they’re not allowed to do that and I’m DEFINITELY not supposed to let them! I really had my hands full controlling them, have you ever had to deal with 25 young children all intent on chasing down and petting a couple of stray dogs? Man:

Mm hmm.

Woman (frustrated now): Oh, for God’s sake, you’re not even listening to me. I don’t even know why I bother talking to you when you come home in the evening. All I want is to hear about how your day went, and have you care about my day, and you can’t even give me that. It’s just rude! This is a pretty commonplace experience for a lot of couples. Women usually need to talk to let off steam; men need to unwind silently and in their own time. For a man, pressure from an outside source to communicate before he’s ready to do so only deepens his need for peaceful solitude. For a woman, being unable to talk and communicate frustrates her own desire to unwind and relax. If a woman doesn’t understand that her man needs time to unwind in silence, she may think that he’s upset with her. If a man doesn’t understand that his partner needs to talk about her day, he may feel that she’s “dumping” onto him. Both genders need to understand their communication differences if they’re going to be able to live together in peace.


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Conscious Communication We don’t automatically know how to communicate with a romantic partner. It’s different to how we communicate with our friends and family. Unfortunately, few people realize how deeply this difference runs. They talk to their partner like they talk to their best friends of the same sex, or they talk to their partner like they would talk to a sibling or parent. If you’re doing this, STOP! Instead, I want you to do one thing right now to improve your relationship communication skills. (It’s the complete opposite of what you’ve probably been doing.) You may have gotten used to talking to your partner in a certain way. Maybe it’s the way that your mother spoke to your father, or your father spoke to your mother. Maybe it’s even the way that you spoke to your parents as a child.

“We don’t automatically know how to communicate with a romantic partner.”

The point is that right now you have a slew of unconscious beliefs built up regarding how romantic partners are supposed to talk to one another. You have a slew of unconscious habits built up from all those years that you were in relationships.

Maybe you got used to shouting at your partner. Maybe you got used to pouting to get your way. Maybe you got used to making fun of your partner. Maybe you got used to punishing your partner by going silent. Whatever it is, I want you to become conscious of it. More specifically, I want you to talk to your partner about how you talk to one another. Does that seem like a strange request?


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We rarely talk about how we talk to one another. We just assume that the way we talk to one another is how couples should talk to one another! But according to Dr. David Niven, author of 100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships, “Couples who talk to each other about how they disagree, and not just about the disagreement, spend less time arguing” (45). Communicating with your partner must become a conscious process, not an automatic one. You must become conscious of how you argue, how you reach decisions as a couple, and how you share your feelings if you are going to thrive as a couple. Far too many of us communicate unconsciously when it comes to our relationships. We pick up habits from our parents and from the other people in our lives and repeat them unthinkingly in our own relationships. In her audio course Make Every Man Want You More, life coach Marie Forleo discusses how simply being around other couples can change how you talk to one another in your own relationship. Spend a lot of time with a couple who is always arguing, and you may find yourself arguing with your partner over something stupid. Spend a lot of time with a couple who is always shouting at one another, and you may unconsciously raise your voice. Choosing your friends wisely as a couple is a good idea.

“Talk to your partner about how you talk to one another.”

But, to be fair, the biggest influence on our communication is not our friends. It’s our parents. You can learn a lot about your partner by watching how their parents communicate.


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If their father made all the decisions, then they may feel like the man in the relationship should have the last say. If their mother used to get into bad moods where she wouldn’t talk to anyone, then they may get upset when you’re unusually quiet, or they themselves might go quiet when they’re in a bad mood. Sitting down with your partner and discussing what communication habits both of you may have picked up from your parents can help you become more conscious about what’s happening in your own relationship.

Exercise: Your Communication Inheritance If you’re going to become more conscious about your own communication patterns, you’re going to need to become more conscious of the communication model that you learned in childhood. I want you to do an exercise for me. Find your partner and ask them if they have half an hour to sit down and have a cup of coffee or tea with you. Tell them that you’re reading a book on communication, and that you want to improve the way you communicate with them. In order to do that, you want to learn more about their childhood and tell them a little about your own. Ask your partner how their parents or primary caregivers talked to each other. Here are some questions to guide your discussion. 1. How did your father talk to your mother? 2. How did your mother talk to your father? 3. Who spoke more: your mother or your father? 4. How did your parents argue? 5. How did your parents show one another that they were upset? 6. How did your parents come to decisions? 7. How did your parents share their feelings? 8. How did your parents show each other love? 9. How did your parents talk at the dinnertable? 10.

How did your parents talk about each other in public?


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Make sure that both of you participate in this discussion. Your partner needs to know how your parents communicated to one another as well. Now, I want to make a very important point here. Neither of you should feel guilty or ashamed if you’re repeating unhelpful patterns that you picked up from your parents. This is perfectly normal! In fact, it’s to be expected. Awareness – not judgment – is what this exercise is about.

Exercise: Your Couple Communication Patterns Once you’ve discussed how your parents modeled your childhood understanding of how loved ones spoke to one another, it’s time for you and your partner to talk about how you talk to one another. This can feel like a touchy subject. Who wants to hear that their partner is upset with them or thinks they can do something better? Don’t blame yourself for not being a perfect communicator! None of us is perfect. Learning to share your life with someone you care about in a healthy, positive, and loving way isn’t something that can be mastered overnight. As most married couples will tell you, it’s a lifetime skill!

“This is about seeing your relationship from your partner’s point of view.”

You see, we have to communicate a little differently with every person we’re with. We have to be sensitive to other people’s feelings and expectations. As we learn more about another person, we can modify our communication style to be more effective. When you feel ready – it doesn’t have to be immediately – find a time when you and your partner can sit down undisturbed and talk about how you talk to one another. Make sure that both of you are in a good “head space” and have ample time to really share your feelings without being disturbed.


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Use the following questions as a guideline for discussion. 1. What do you think about how I share my feelings with you? 2. What do you think about how I express my love for you? 3. What do you think about how I listen? 4. What do you think about how I talk about you to other people? 5. What do you think about how I talk to you at mealtimes? 6. What do you think about how we make decisions together? 7. What do you think about how I argue with you? 8. What do you think about how I show you that I’m upset? 9. What do you think I do well when it comes to communicating with you? 10. What do you think I could do better when it comes to communicating? Be prepared to listen to what your partner has to say all the way through. This isn’t about defending yourself or explaining why you do what you do. This is about seeing your relationship from your partner’s point of view. It’s about understanding what’s happening in your relationship. In a word, it’s about becoming more conscious of what’s going on. If your partner feels like you don’t listen to them, sweep aside their feelings, or don’t respect them in front of other people, then I don’t want you to get angry at yourself. Instead, feel good! You’re halfway to solving those issues simply by becoming aware of them. You see, solving problems is easy; acknowledging them is the hard part.


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If your partner feels comfortable, invite them to ask you the same questions. Don’t pressure them to do so if they don’t want to. They may not feel as driven to improve their communication as you are, and that’s okay. You can create an amazing difference in your relationships simply by changing the way YOU communicate personally.

“Solving problems is easy; acknowledging them is the hard part.” When Communication Stops Sometimes, a couple can communicate quite well when they communicate. Their problem is something different: they don’t talk anymore. Jennifer and Ben had gotten to the stage in their relationship when they barely talked to each other at all. They never went out for an evening on their own. Instead, they’d only go out with other couples, because they knew that if they went on their own they’d have nothing to say to each other. “When we started off in our relationship, we could stay up all night talking,” Jennifer explained. “But now it’s like we know each other. We know what one another thinks. We know everything there is to know about one another. So unless we’re talking about plans or organizing stuff, we really don’t just sit down and talk.” Has that ever happened to you in a relationship?

“Take time to talk about the things that really matter to you.”

After we’ve been with someone for a while, we can start to feel so connected to them that it’s almost as if we can read their minds. We can predict how they are going to react, or know what they are going to say before they say it. We know everything about their childhood, their interests, their tastes. Communication feels unnecessary.

The fact that you know your partner better than anyone is wonderful … but if you use that knowledge to stop asking questions and start making assumptions, it’s a recipe for disaster.


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Jennifer and Ben had been together for two and a half years. In that time, both of them had changed. They were no longer the same people they were when they started dating. Whatever they’d discovered about one another during those early, heady days of talking nonstop was now outdated. But, because they weren’t checking in with one another regularly to make sure they were moving in the same direction, they found themselves growing apart. Couples who don’t talk to one another often find that they’ve grown apart, or they don’t really know what’s important to their partner any more. That’s why regular communication is so important.

“Communication is the way that you ensure that you’re growing with your partner rather than away from them.”

No matter how well you know your partner, that information is old news. Your partner is always growing and changing. You are, too! Your goals will change, your perspective on life will change, and your interests will change. Communication is the way that you ensure that you’re growing with your partner rather than away from them.

I told Jennifer and Ben that they needed to make a conscious commitment to check in with one another regularly and talk about deeper issues, like where they’d like their relationship to go and how their personal goals and dreams are changing. It’s so easy to forget to talk about those things. Especially if you have kids, you tend to talk about how your day went, what needs to get done, and plan for the immediate future. As a result, your conversations tend to be practical and utilitarian. Although organizing your lives together will always be an important thing to talk about, it shouldn’t be the only thing. Take time to talk about the things that really matter to you. Maybe you’re worried about growing old, or you wish that your life would have ended up differently. Maybe you’d like to make a major change in your life but the thought of change scares you.


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Exercise: Getting to Know Your Partner Again It can seem a bit strange to delve into these deeper topics when your usual topic of conversation is what you’re going to have for dinner that night or what you’re going to do that weekend. That’s why I want to give you a list of topics that you might like to discuss with your partner to spur a deeper level of conversation. I recommend that you choose one topic from the list below to discuss each night over the dinnertable for the next ten evenings. (Make sure you switch off the television first!) If you don’t eat your meals together, this would be a great time to start. Couples that eat together regularly build a sense of intimacy and closeness that more independent couples lack. Here are 10 topics to discuss together. Feel free to add more topics or think of your own! 1. What was the best thing for you about the past five years of your life? 2. What would your perfect retirement look like? 3. If you could switch places with anyone, who would it be? 4. If you could see into the future and read your own obituary, what would you hope would be written in it? 5. What would make you feel like you were loved more than anyone else in the world? 6. What’s the one hobby that you’ve never tried but always wanted to? 7. If you were ever to go back to school, assuming that you could study whatever you liked for as long as you liked, what would it be? 8. What’s the biggest thing that you’re scared of about the future? 9. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Where do you see us in 5 years? 10. By the end of this year, what’s the most important thing that you want to have accomplished?


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If you find that you enjoy this exercise, you may wish to schedule regular times with your partner to check in and communicate about the things that really matter to you. For example, some couples read inspirational books together. They read passages from heart-warming books aloud to each other or work through spiritual/self-help books on a regular basis. The more you talk about the things that really matter in life, the more it will feel to you that your life really does matter. It matters how much you love your partner. It matters that you set an example in the respect and love you show each other. Your relationship matters more than you could even imagine, and investing in it will reap amazing rewards.

When Communication Goes Horribly Wrong But often the problem isn’t just what we don’t say to our partners. It’s what we do say. All of us have been guilty at one point or another in our lives of using words as weapons. We shout, accuse, blame, attack, or even threaten. We don’t even hear what we’re saying in the heat of argument, until hurtful words have already passed our mouths and struck the heart of the one we love the most. Communication issues are at the heart of most marriage breakups. It’s unfortunate that few couples get to the stage where they can talk to each other about anything. There are always some subjects – such as personal criticism, sex, or the in-laws – that defy the norms of civil conversation. What topics can’t you talk to your partner about without arguing?

“Communication issues are at the heart of most marriage breakups.”


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As a couple, your goal should be to get to the point where you have faith that you can talk through any issue that arises. You will still argue; you will still disagree. But you will do so in a way that attacks the problem lying between you, NOT your partner. Ariel and Shya Kane, authors of Working on Yourself Doesn’t Work, point out an interesting characteristic of happy relationships: Couples who are committed to being happy give up their need to be right. In fact, the Kanes believe that either you get to be right or you get to be happy in your relationship. You can’t be both. That’s because, when you’re focused on proving to your partner that you’re right, it can only mean one thing: that your partner is wrong. A relationship cannot survive where there are winners and losers. Hate and resentment grow like weeds beyond the winner’s circle. If you wish to grow to resent your partner, then compete with them. Make them the enemy. It’s the quickest route to a broken relationship that I know of. Love, not competition, is the glue that binds relationships together. In a loving relationship, both partners work together to resolve the issues that threaten to separate them. They’re a team with a common goal.

“Couples who are committed to being happy give up their need to be right.”

And that is the secret of truly great relationships: seeing yourself and your partner united as team members with a common goal. Your goal is to grow your relationship into ever deeper levels of trust and intimacy. The “enemy” that you must fight is the temptation for you to see your partner as the enemy.

You ARE going to be tempted to see your partner as the enemy. You’re going to be tempted to believe that it’s them that’s the problem. You’re going to be tempted to blame them for the fact that you don’t have the life you deserve. And it’s relatively easy to get sucked into that mind trap, too.


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Man:

Are you nearly ready to go? I told Mom we’d be there for 6:30 and it’s already half-past five.

Woman: You’re kidding, right? Last night you said we were there for 7:30, not 6:30. Man:

No, I said 6:30.

Woman: Well, I’m pretty sure you didn’t. Anyway, regardless of what you said or what I think you said, the fact remains that it’s going to take me at least another 45 minutes to shower and get ready to go. Man:

Well, that’s not good enough. I told Mom we’d be there for dinner, she’s cooking a roast beef, and it’s a pretty big deal. You know we haven’t been there for over a week anyway.

Woman: Well, if she didn’t have to be so stringent with her timelines and schedule everything so rigidly all the time, maybe it would be easier for us to get there for dinner every so often. Man:

Are you criticizing my mother?

Woman: No. I’m just saying that maybe this wouldn’t be such a big deal if everyone didn’t make it into such a big deal. So I have to shower and get dressed, so what? Man:

I don’t think you have time to do that any more. I think we have to go.

Woman: But I look like a mess! Man:

Well, maybe you should have listened to what I said last night, and then you’d be on time.

Woman: I’ve spent the last hour bathing our kids and putting them to bed. What have you been doing in that time? You could have come and given me a hand. You must have known that there wouldn’t be any time for me to get ready after I’d finished doing that. Why didn’t you say something beforehand?!


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Man:

Well, I thought you had it under control! How was I meant to know you were an hour out?

Woman: This is complete crap. Your mom is just going to have to wait. And so are you, and so is the roast beef. I’m going to have a shower. Man:

In that case, you can be the one to tell her why we were late, ‘cause I’m not going to!

Woman: Fine. I will. I’ll tell her that you told me one thing yesterday, then another thing today, and then made a big deal out of nothing like you’re doing right now and delayed my shower by an extra ten minutes. How does that sound? Can you see how easy it is for things to spiral out of control? If there’s any lingering resentment there, it only takes one person to make an insensitive statement before POW! … everything explodes around you. It can feel like your partner is trying to deliberately offend you, like they know exactly what your buttons are, and they’re going to press them just to enjoy your reaction. But don’t fall prey to this destructive mindset! Your partner is not the enemy. The issues that stand between you are the enemies. Attack the problem, not the person.

Being the Bearer of Bad News It isn’t any fun to talk about the problems in your relationship. No one wants to be the first to bring an issue up. Ignoring an issue doesn’t make it go away, though. It just makes things worse.


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One of your first commitments as a couple needs to be to talk about what’s bothering you as soon as the problem arises, no matter how difficult it may be. Most of the time, it’s the woman in the relationship who ends up being the bearer of bad news. According to Hara Estroff Marano, “Even in happy marriages, more than 80% of the time it is the wife who raises marital issues while the husband tries to avoid discussing them” (49). Incidentally, women also initiate the majority of divorces. If this sounds like your relationship, then this situation can’t continue. Both partners need to talk about the issues in their relationship. Avoiding touchy subjects won’t keep the peace. Rather, it will simply lead to both of you bottling up frustrations until they explode. If you both can manage to talk about things that bother you, you’ll be well ahead of most couples. It never ceases to amaze me how many couples prefer to pretend that they don’t see an issue, as if ignoring something will keep it from becoming a problem that they have to address.

“All it takes is acknowledging that a problem exists.”

Some people even believe that you should only talk about problems if you can do something about them. They think, “Why bring up a problem if there’s no solution?” Others look for excuses: “But if we talk about it, then we’ll have to do something about it.” Not true at all. Talking about a problem doesn’t have to accomplish anything. You don’t have to solve the problem right away. Rather, talking about a problem is important to simply clear the air. You want to share what you’re feeling with your partner, and vice versa. The simple act of sharing can work miracles. Sometimes, all it takes is acknowledging that a problem exists to make it dissolve and disappear. I want to tell you a story about some friends of mine.


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Beth and Kevin had been trying for a child for years. Beth was 37, and she knew that her fertile years were rapidly running out. At first, she and Kevin talked about the issue. They went to a clinic, got a list of their options, and discussed what they would do. They felt like a team united in a common goal. They were hopeful and certain that they would be able to achieve their dream of having a child.

“Avoiding touchy subjects won’t keep the peace.”

But as each month passed with no results … then each year … that hope dwindled. They talked less and less as each of their options was crossed out. They’d come home from the clinic in silence and argue as soon as they got home. The fear that they’d never have a child lay like a horrible secret between them. The silence was breaking their marriage apart.

It took counseling before Beth and Kevin were able to talk about their fears that they may never have children, and how each of them really felt about it. The truth was hard to hear for both of them. Beth blamed Kevin for focusing on their career in the early years of their marriage and postponing a family. Kevin blamed Beth for being so set on a child that they’d spent the money they’d saved for retirement. He even admitted that he had thought about what they would do if their relationship did end, and whether he’d want a child with someone else. Beth was horrified… …But the presence of a counselor helped them do something that neither of them had ever done before. They listened to each other, came to understand one another’s fears, and found forgiveness in their hearts. The ice broke. At last, they were able to talk again. Communication changes everything. The world changes when you see it through someone else’s eyes. It takes courage. It takes more courage than most people have to talk about their worst fears in their relationship. They worry that if they tell their partner, their partner will leave them or think less of them. They worry that their partner will use that information against them or tell it to someone else.


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If those are your fears, then communicate them, too. Unspoken fears will destroy a relationship, as surely as seeing your partner as the enemy. We act differently when we are afraid. We do things to keep what we fear from happening, but in the process we create confusion and more chaos. If you are afraid of losing your partner, tell them. If you are afraid that your partner will see the real “you” and lose their attraction to you, tell them. If you are afraid that you’ll never be happy together, tell them that, too. I know that it won’t be easy. I know that your partner may not be up to the task. But this is the great quest that awaits you. Create a conscious, loving, open relationship, and you will find greater riches than you could ever dreamed of. Ignore your problems, and you sleepwalk through your relationship at your peril. Most people settle for what they get in life. They’re afraid of holding out for the relationship of their dreams. But most people aren’t you.

“Unspoken fears will destroy a relationship.”


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Keep Your Love Balance in the Black Marriage counselor John Gottman is known for his ability to predict whether or not a couple will stay together. His conclusions are 94% accurate based on a mere 15-minute interview with a couple. He can even predict how soon they are going to split. What’s his secret? Observing how couples communicate. Gottman’s 14 years of research provides startling evidence that how you communicate with your partner can actually determine whether or not your relationship will last. His method relies on observing the ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions. A happy couple will have about 20 positive interactions to each negative interaction. When that ratio drops to 5 to 1, a couple will feel like they’re experiencing troubles in their relationship. When negative interactions begin to outnumber the positive, divorce papers are on the way. So what does Gottman consider positive versus negative? Positive interactions display one or more of the following emotions:

Affection

Humor

Interest

Joy

Validation


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Negative interactions display one or more of the following:

Anger

Belligerence

Contempt

Defensiveness

Disgust

Domineering

Fear

Sadness

Stonewalling

Tension

Whining

We often forget that how we communicate to our partner reveals our emotions more clearly than our words. We may think that we’re being polite, but our tone or body language reveals a different story. It’s not what you say to your partner that counts the most. It’s how you say it. The simplest phrase – “Here’s your coffee” – can be said in a loving way that implies the deepest affection. Similarly, the same phrase can be snapped out in a frustrated, angry tone that wounds. It seems strange to think that we could ever be rude or hurtful to someone that we love so much. When you consider the effort required to meet, attract, and win the mate of your dreams, you start to wonder why anyone would squander their chance at happiness on petty disagreements.


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But it’s a crisis of more than communication. It’s a crisis of love. Striking out at the ones we love is a reaction that reaches deep back into our childhood, when we had no use of language. A baby who is uncomfortable or hungry has no way of communicating its needs other than scrunching up its face and letting out a devastating wail. Crying works. The parent becomes immediately distressed, causing them to attend to the baby’s needs straight away. Anger, belligerence, whining … they’re all ways that we as adults seek to distress those around us, in hopes that they’ll come and attend to our emotional needs. Gottman explains, “Many people live in an emotional desert. That’s why they are so needy.” If you don’t feel loved enough by your partner, you may instinctively lash out to punish them. You may feel better for having hurt them. But it’s this reaction that kills loving relationships. As adults, we have better means of communication than an incoherent wail. We can tell our loved ones what we require without distressing them needlessly. We can tell our loved ones that we don’t feel loved, or that we feel hurt by their behavior, or that we need reassurance that they care about us. But most of us don’t. Instead, irrationally, instinctively, we hurt them with our words. It can be a sharp slap in the face to realize that we actually treat the person that we’re supposed to love and cherish above all others in a way that’s worse than the way we treat strangers. Most of us wouldn’t lash out at a waiter for spilling our coffee, but we very well might lash out at our partners for the same mistake. Somewhere beyond conscious awareness, many of us hold the belief that our partners are there to make us feel better. In a childlike way, we truly believe that hurting them will teach them to love us better, or treat us better.

“It’s not what you say to your partner that counts the most. It’s how you say it.”


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But, of course, hurting them does only one thing. It kills the love they had for us. Now that you understand what’s at stake in your communication, I want you to understand how you can use the incredible power you wield to strengthen your love, not sabotage it. You talk to your partner every day. Some people talk to their partners for just fifteen minutes; others talk several hours every day. During that time, you usually speak without thinking. You don’t have time to carefully plan everything you say. If you did, it would just give you a headache. So you can’t just tell yourself to think before you speak or be more careful about what you say. Censoring or repressing your thoughts and feelings just makes your partner think that you are hiding something. But what you CAN do is remind yourself how you feel about your partner every day – several times a day, ideally. Let your first thought in the morning be how grateful you are to wake up next to them … even if they have morning breath and are grumpy at having to wake up! When you sit down to your evening meal at night, remind yourself how lucky you are to be sharing your life with this person. All it takes is reminding yourself of your love – even if, at that particular moment, you don’t really like your partner! – to change the tone of your communication. It’s hard to get mad at someone that you just reminded yourself how much you loved. It’s hard to say something mean to someone whom you appreciate having in your life. The more affectionate you are to your partner, the more interested you are in their thoughts and feelings, the more you compliment your partner and thank them for being in your life … the better fortified your relationship will be against the wolves of anger, contempt, and stress. I hope that you can understand now why the old adage – “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never kill me” – is NOT true. Words do kill. They can kill love. The way in which they’re said can wound for a lifetime. Promise yourself to use YOUR words to love. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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How to Communicate Affection Communicating affection doesn’t come easy to all of us. From the time we start dating, we’re told that we shouldn’t let on how we feel. If we do, the person we’re interested in will feel turned off. They won’t see us as a challenge. They won’t have to work to get our interest. Follow that kind of dating advice when you’re in a relationship, though, and you’ll find yourself out of the relationship as quickly as you got in it. If you want to create a relationship that lasts, you have to learn to communicate affection frequently, freely, and in a way that’s understood by your partner.

“Communicating affection doesn’t come easy to all of us.“

Be Affectionate Every Day There’s no limit to how often you can express your affection to your partner. In the early days of a relationship, not a single moment will pass without a loving glance, a loving smile, or a loving touch. Couples in love can gaze into one another’s eyes endlessly and talk all night. There’s no reason for them to hold back the affection they feel for one another. This early rush of love helps fortify the relationship against the conflicts and challenges that await it. It’s so intense and powerful simply because it must serve to create a bond between you that’s strong enough to keep you together through the chaos stage to come. Unfortunately, some people choose to keep a close lid on their feelings for their partner even though they are in a relationship. They don’t want to let on how they much they really care. Why? There are a number of possible reasons.

They may feel uncomfortable expressing their feelings.

They may not know how to express affection appropriately.


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They may not be quite sure about the relationship or their own feelings yet.

They may worry that showing how they feel will make them vulnerable.

They may think that being affectionate just isn’t them.

But there’s one reason that tops all of the above. Many of us find it hard to express affection in the beginning of a relationship simply because we’re too used to the communication patterns we learned while dating. Remember how it worked when you were dating? You knew that you couldn’t reveal too much. You feared scaring the other person off if you showed how you really felt. That may be well and good in dating, but you can’t take this attitude into a relationship and expect it to last. Holding back your affection will just serve to keep your partner off-balance and needy. They won’t feel secure in your feelings for them. Do you think that’s a good thing? Trust me: from personal experience, it’s not. The relationship will feel like hard work rather than natural and effortless. Your partner will stop feeling like they can be themselves. Instead, they’ll try to be the person they think you want them to be. After a while, all this effort is going to tire them out (and stress them out!).

“If you don’t show your partner love, then they’ll stop showing you love.”


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You’re going to get tired, too. There’s nothing worse than being with someone who feels like they have to please or entertain you all the time. Even though it may seem novel and exciting at first, I promise that you WILL get bored. You’re going to start wanting a more authentic person who’s relaxed and easy to be around. And the end result? Your relationship will break up. Now, if you don’t really care whether or not your partner loves you back, or whether or not your relationship lasts, then you can certainly do what you want! I’m not saying that you HAVE to be affectionate if a long-lasting loving relationship just isn’t your bag. But if you really DO want your partner to love you, then you need to listen to what I’m saying.

“You can’t take this attitude into a relationship and expect it to last.”

You can’t manipulate your partner into loving you more by withholding your feelings for them. If you don’t show your partner love, then they’ll stop showing you love. Simple as that. And if you hold back your feelings in order to keep your partner from getting too “comfortable” in the relationship – in a mistaken attempt to “treat ‘em mean to keep ‘em keen” – then be aware that it’s no one’s fault but your own if they become needy, insecure, or jealous. Now, I’ve just talked about what it will be like if YOU are the one withholding affection in the relationship. But what does it feel like if you’re with someone who’s withholding affection? It’s no fun being with someone who keeps you guessing about their feelings towards you! It makes you feel insecure and uncomfortable. You try to do things to “win” their love. You buy them gifts to please them or dress in ways you know you like.


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It’s just like being a kid again, with your whole self-esteem wrapped up in whether or not your partner praises you for your efforts by giving you affection, or ignores you and makes you feel low. It’s certainly not a situation that I would want to stay in! If your partner is holding back in your relationship, then I invite you to talk to them about it. Tell them that being affectionate is really important to you, and that you’re wondering why they don’t reciprocate. Don’t be scared of having this conversation. Your partner simply may tell you that they didn’t realize how important it was to you! Or, especially if they’re a man, they may tell you that they’re not sure how to express how they feel, but they’d like to learn. If, on the other hand, they become defensive or angry, then it’s a sign that you’re going to have to make a hard decision. Live in an “emotional desert” and keep on feeling insecure and jealous? Or say goodbye and find a partner who can make you feel loved in the way you truly deserve?

“It’s no fun being with someone who keeps you guessing about their feelings towards you!”

Personally, I’d pick the latter.

Express Your Affection Freely If you’re not normally an affectionate person, it may feel awkward or strange to you to deliberate express how you feel about your partner. Luckily, there are 1001 ways to express love! You can express how you feel about your partner with a kiss, a touch, a glance, a smile, a joke, a helping hand, a cup of coffee, or a homemade meal. You can express your affection with a card, a compliment, a flower, a thoughtful gesture, a naughty text message, or a wink. In fact, anything can be an expression of love if it’s done with a loving intention. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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You can wash your partner’s car or mow the lawn. You can put candles on the table. You can invite them on a special “date night.” You can anticipate one of their needs without them even having to ask. You can speak admiringly about them to others, such that your praise gets back to them.

“Anything can be an expression of love if it’s done with a loving intention.”

You may worry that you’re being over the top or doing too much. But as long as you express your affection freely and spontaneously – not because you feel like you “have” to – what you’re actually doing is watering your partner’s “emotional desert,” such that they grow even deeper in love with you.

Most people don’t realize how little genuine affection they get in their lives. They can immediately sense when someone’s being nice to them in order to get something out of them or because the person feels like they “ought” to. That kind of affection doesn’t make us feel very good. If anything, it highlights our lack of unconditional love. You see, you should never show your partner affection in an attempt to get something from them. Unfortunately, most of us do this automatically. We want our partner to say “yes” to something, so we act extra nicely to put them in a good mood. We want them to make a fuss over us on our birthday, so we make a fuss over them on their birthday. It’s so unconscious that we often don’t realize we’re doing it. But our partners can see right through us. One woman I counseled used to get upset that every time she gave her partner a kiss, he’d say, “Okay, honey, what do you want?” She’d gotten so used to being affectionate only when she wanted something that her partner simply wouldn’t believe that she was expressing her love “just because”!


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“It’s not like I mean to do it,” she told me. “My mother always told me, ‘Be nice to others and they’ll be nice to you.’ You know how it is: show him that you’ll make a good wife to him someday, and then he’ll propose. Be the prize wife, and he’ll buy you gifts and make all your friends envious. It’s the whole Rules thing. I just don’t know if I can break that habit.” But she could – and she did! The first thing she did was change how she acted when she wanted something. When she wanted something, she needed to learn to ask her partner directly and immediately rather than try to win him over first. Second, whenever she felt grateful or affectionate towards her partner, she needed to express those feelings immediately as well, in any way that seemed appropriate to her.

“Most people don’t realize how little genuine affection they get in their lives.”

Her partner was aware of her efforts to change, and he respected them. He actually encouraged her to be more up front with her wants and needs. “He told me that he actually liked making me happy, so it made it easier for him when I came out and told him how to do it,” she told me. “I can’t believe how much more complicated I made things than they needed to be.”

She was right. Things don’t have to be complicated in a relationship. The direct approach – although painful or embarrassing at times – is nearly always the best. If we ask for what we want directly, rather than trying to manipulate our partner into giving it to us, then we will actually find that we experience more satisfaction. If we start to use affectionate gestures for their true purpose – showing our partner how much their presence means in our lives – then we’ll find they mean so much more to both of us.


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Express Your Affection in a Way Your Partner Understands Now, sometimes – I guarantee – you’ll show your partner affection in a way that makes them uncomfortable. You need to be aware of this and why this is. Don’t feel rejected! Your job will be to find new ways to express affection that are more acceptable to them. In his lovely book The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman explains that we all have different ways we prefer to give and receive love. Some people prefer verbal expressions of love, such as, “I love you,” “I think you’re wonderful,” and “I appreciate what you do for me.” Other people prefer to show how they feel through actions, such as taking out the trash, fixing their partner’s car, or making a meal. Still other people like to give and receive gifts. An unexpected bunch of flowers, CD, or DVD goes a long way. Women especially prefer spending time with their partner above all other expressions of love. They feel that just being together – no matter what they’re doing – helps them feel cared for and loved. Still other people show their feelings through hugging, kissing, putting their arm around their partner, or making love. They feel that being in physical contact is the highest expression of love that exists. Your “love language” may not be the same as your partner’s. You may think that your partner should feel loved because of all the things you do for them, but what your partner may crave more than anything else is to be hugged or cuddled. You may tell your partner that you love them every day, but they may not hear it. What they see is the fact that you’re always working and have very little time to spend with them. If that’s the case, they may not feel loved no matter how many words you speak … until you manage to find more time in your schedule for them. I want you to realize that there’s nothing wrong with not being able to intuitively understand how best to show your partner love. We’re not mind readers! If our partner doesn’t come out and tell us – “I need you to compliment me more” – then how are we expected to guess?


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That’s why it’s so important that you engage in dialogue with your partner about this issue. I highly recommend reading The Five Love Languages together and taking the quiz at the end of the book to figure out which is your primary “language.” But if that’s more of a time investment than you’re willing to make, just do this. Ask yourself the question, “What seems to make my partner the happiest? Is it when I tell them I love them and that I think they’re wonderful? Is it when I do thoughtful things for them? Is it when I buy them gifts? Is it when I spend time with them? Or is it when we kiss and caress?” All of those things are sure to make your partner happy in one way or the other, but there are probably one or two that really hit the spot. If so, then focus on showing your affection in the way that your partner prefers the most. I’m not saying to stop doing the other things you’re doing – we all like affection in whatever form we get it! But put in a little extra effort to communicate affection to your partner in a form they understand.

“Women especially prefer spending time with their partner above all other expressions of love.”


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How to Disagree “My God! The English language is a form of communication! Conversation isn’t just crossfire where you shoot and get shot at! Where you’ve got to duck for your life and aim to kill! Words aren’t only bombs and bullets – no, they’re little gifts, containing meanings!” Philip Roth Disagreements are inevitable. No matter how deeply two people fall in love – no matter how much they’re alike – they’re going to hit a stage in their relationship where it feels like they can’t agree on anything. One person wants to turn up the heat; the other person wants to open the window. One person wants to live by their parents; the other person wants to move far away. One person doesn’t want to hear anything else about the matter; the other person won’t stop talking. From petty to severe, disagreements are what tear most relationships to shreds. It’s unfortunate, because there’s actually nothing wrong with disagreeing. A couple can not see eye to eye on anything, and still live in peace. But you have to know how to disagree appropriately, in a way that strengthens your feelings of connection rather than your feelings of separation. Here are three traits of happy couples that manage to live together in bliss despite their differences:  Happy couples aren’t identical twins.  Happy couples are flexible.  Happy couples don’t judge. I’ll discuss each trait in turn. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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Happy Couples aren’t Identical Twins If disagreements were really an insurmountable cause of relationship breakdowns, then the couples who are most alike should have a higher rate of relationship success than couples who have significant differences. All you have to do is look around you to see that isn’t the case. Republicans marry Democrats. Engineers marry artists. intercultural relationships succeed.

Interracial and

For that matter, men marry women and still manage to create healthy relationships! Dr. John Gottman points out that if gender differences truly mattered that much, then same-sex relationships would have a higher success rate than heterosexual relationships. Statistically, this isn’t the case. You can’t avoid disagreements by thinking alike, acting alike, or having the same opinions on everything. You and your partner ARE completely different people … and that’s OKAY. There’s nothing wrong with disagreeing! You don’t have to vote the same, like the same music, enjoy the same vacation spots, or even share the same religion to be a couple. You don’t have to present a united front on everything. There’s nothing wrong with being two individuals who also happen to be in a relationship. But what you DO have to do is respect your partner’s right to be an individual. Your partner isn’t always going to think the same way you are. Your job isn’t to try to convince them to think the same way you do.

“You and your partner ARE completely different people.”


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Rather, your job is to: 1) Understand where they’re coming from, 2) Show them that you understand (e.g. validate their belief), and 3) Come to an agreement or compromise about what action to take. Let’s look at an example: different religions. Your partner belongs to Religion A, while you belong to Religion B. Neither of you could even consider converting, because your beliefs are so important to you. However, both of you would like to feel supported in your faith and church activities. Should you: a. Try to convince them to convert to your faith? b. Give them an ultimatum: their religion or your relationship? c. Lead separate religious lives and avoid talking about religious issues? d. Try to understand one another’s faiths as a way of feeling more connected to each other? I’m sure you know which option I’d recommend! You can love your partner even when they make certain choices or hold certain beliefs that go against what you personally stand for. You can learn to accept what they do or what they believe because it’s part of the whole package that you fell in love with. You may prefer that they change, but it’s not necessary. Your partner isn’t trying to offend you by being different. They’re not trying to destroy your relationship by holding onto something that you disagree with. Rather, they’re simply trying to balance their individuality with being in a relationship.

“They’re simply trying to balance their individuality with being in a relationship.”


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We give up a lot to become part of a couple. We don’t mind most of the compromises because of the benefits we get in return. But there are always going to be some things that we will clash with our partner on. Learn to accept and appreciate all the weird and wonderful ways in which your partner is different from you, and know your bottom line. If you can live with their differences, then don’t worry about them. If you cannot live with their differences, then let the person go with love.

Happy Couples are Flexible One of the costs of being in a relationship is the fact that you will no longer be able to have everything your own way. That’s just life! If you want to be in a relationship, you accept that your interests as a couple will supersede your personal interests. If you’re not willing to accept that, then you’re probably not ready for a relationship just yet. Focus on staying single and having fun instead! You may think I’m being harsh, but there’s a maturity level involved in being in a relationship with someone. You can’t continue to just think about yourself. You have to think about the other person, too. And if you’re not willing to be flexible to accommodate their differences, then you owe it to them to not waste their time.

“Your partner is now as important to you as yourself.”

You see, what happens in a relationship isn’t just fun and games. It isn’t just about having a good time until both of you get bored of one another. What you do in your relationship – how you talk to your partner, how you resolve your disagreements, how you share your feelings – can influence your partner’s life for the better … or for the worse.


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What happens between the two of you will create permanent memories that will shape both of your lives forever. It’s actually rather amazing to realize that what you do in your relationship will influence your partner’s expectations, thoughts, and beliefs about relationships for good. Just ask anyone who’s had a few relationships under their belts! We change as a result of being in relationships. Some of us find that our lives improve as we learn new ways to communicate and discover the depth of connection possible with another human being. Other people find out that their negative relationship experiences turn them off dating or create bad habits that they instinctively repeat with the next person they date. If you refuse to believe that what you do has any impact on your partner (because you think that ultimately they’re the ones responsible for their own life), then I want you to understand what being a couple really means.

“You will no longer be able to have everything your own way.”

It means that your partner is now as important to you as yourself. It means that you do your best to consider your partner’s feelings or opinions before you do something that might affect them. (Even though none of us is perfect!) Even more importantly, it means that you’re not longer the center of your own universe. Rather, you and your partner are like two planets that rotate around one another. Each of you exerts a force on the other that keeps you in harmonious orbit. Keeping this image in mind will help you understand what it means to be flexible. When you are flexible as an individual, it means that you’re not so attached to your own beliefs and preferences that you can’t give them up for the sake of something more important.


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When you are flexible as a couple, it means that respecting one another and coming to a workable agreement matters more to you than getting your own way. In practice, it means that sometimes one person gets their way, sometimes the other person does, and sometimes you find an alternate solution that suits you both. You feel comfortable knowing that if something’s really important to you, your partner will help accommodate it, and vice versa.

Happy Couples Don’t Judge We get used to thinking that people who don’t share our opinions are stupid, misinformed, or just plain stubborn. There are belief systems out there that are so different to our own that we can’t even imagine a universe in which people would believe them.

“Judging is a knee-jerk reaction to anything we can’t understand.”

For example, I find it hard to believe that anybody could have followed the propaganda spread by Hitler in the Second World War. It’s inconceivable to me that human beings could have treated one another in such atrocious ways. But if I stop there and tell myself that, because I can’t understand it, I shouldn’t even try, I will miss out on learning some of the important lessons of the Holocaust.

Judging is a knee-jerk reaction to anything we can’t understand. Just look at how religious cults are covered in the press. Regardless of whether they’re valid belief systems or not, most of us tend to be dismissive and laugh or scoff at their followers rather than bothering to understand how people can come to believe certain things. Going back to the example of the Holocaust, I can very easily judge the Germans for the atrocities committed during the Second World War. But my strong belief that I’d never do anything like that doesn’t actually help me prevent something like the Holocaust from occurring ever again. If I refuse to try to understand the conditions that led the Germans to see a group of people as less than human, then I won’t understand how my own culture can and does unconsciously dehumanize certain groups of people.


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I’m going to admit to you right now: it makes me squeamish to look too deeply into a subject that I find distasteful. It’s hard for me to focus on understand something that my entire being rebels against. I’d much prefer to reject it out of hand and get on with my life. But I know that my ability to NOT stop at judgment – and instead look deeper, to be able to understand something – is an ability that will make me grow as a partner and as a human being. Your partner is going to do things that you find silly, stupid, or completely uninformed. You’re going to get mad at them for not thinking or not considering your feelings. You’re going to want to tell them what a bad, selfish, or inconsiderate person you think they are.

“The best way to understand my partner is to be completely honest with myself.”

But if that’s the only way you know how to disagree, you’re in for a very unhappy, troubled time. If you’re upset with your partner, then I want you to communicate how you feel with a clear “I” statement. You know the kind I’m talking about: it’s when you say, “I feel X emotion when you do Y,” rather than, “You made me feel this way!” Next, I want you to try to understand why they did what they did, said what they said, or believe what they believe. You may not enjoy trying to understand their point of view, especially if it’s one that you find hideous or distasteful. But the health of your relationship depends on your ability to do so. We must be able to look past our immediate instinct to judge our partner and instead work on understanding them. For example, I know that the best way to understand my partner is to be completely honest with myself.


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When my partner does something that’s selfish or irresponsible, I look deep into myself and recognize that I, too, am capable of being selfish and irresponsible. (Check out Debbie Ford’s amazing book The Light Side of the Dark Chasers for more information on this technique.) Because I can see that negative trait in myself, I can understand why my partner did what he did. It doesn’t mean that I accept it, but I understand it. Understanding is all I’m expecting from myself at this point. The ability to bypass your initial instinct to judge your partner in favor of understanding them is one of the most critical couple communication techniques you can learn. I can’t emphasize how important it is enough. Happy couples don’t seek to judge; they seek to understand. Through understanding, their disagreements don’t seem to make them feel so far apart.

“Happy couples don’t seek to judge; they seek to understand.”


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How to Argue “In an argument when your heart rate goes over 100 beats a minute, you are incapable of hearing what your partner is trying to tell you.” The Option Institute Arguing is what happens when disagreements go too far. A wise couple can disagree about something, converse about it, laugh it off, and get on with their lives, but a foolish couple will take the very fact of their disagreement as an incentive to argue. Don’t get me wrong – there’s always a place for spirited and fun argument in a relationship! Verbal sparring with wit and light-hearted banter is an enjoyable pastime for those who don’t take the subject too seriously. But for most of us, arguments aren’t about having a bit of fun. They include raised voices, hot tempers, and flushed faces. They may even involve thrown objects, shoving, or insults. They’re conflicts, not games. Arguments are about trying to get our own way on something. They’re about trying to convince the other person that we’re right and they’re wrong. They’re about making ourselves feel better by making the other person feel worse. In a nutshell, arguments are no fun! If you’re going to effectively resolve situations with your partner, there are three facts that you should know:

1. Arguments rarely solve anything, but agreements do. 2. Men and women argue differently. 3. The only person you can make do anything … is yourself.


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Arguments Rarely Solve Anything There is a wonderful saying that goes: “Argument seldom convinces anyone against his inclination.”

If you think that the point of arguing is to make your partner see your point of view or agree with you, then think again. If your partner doesn’t agree with you, they’re not going to be inclined to change their minds as a result of you arguing with them. If anything, arguing will just make them more stubborn and likely to stick to their guns! No one wants to lose an argument, even if they know in their hearts that that they’re wrong. The reason that arguments don’t help most of us is that we go about them the wrong way. We don’t focus on finding a compromise or coming to an agreement. Instead, we focus on “beating” our partner or winning the argument. Our pride gets involved. Arguments stop being healthy when they become a power struggle.

“The point of arguing is to express to your partner how you feel and/or find a compromise that suits you both.”

Instead of seeing your problems as issues to be attacked, you see your problems as resulting from the person you love. You think that you can “solve” the problem by pinning the blame – as well as the responsibility for fixing things – on your partner. That attitude will NOT help you create a loving relationship. Instead, it will turn your loving bond into fierce competition.


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Here are 10 things that healthy arguments are not:

It’s not about proving your partner wrong.

It’s not about bringing up every bad thing they’ve done to you.

It’s not about making them feel embarrassed or ashamed of themselves.

It’s not about hurting them or blaming them for what they did to you.

It’s not about making them admit you’re right.

It’s not about making them realize the error of their ways.

It’s not about defending yourself.

It’s not about giving them a list of excuses.

It’s not about getting your way.

It’s not about winning or losing.

Now, this doesn’t mean that you should never disagree with your partner! According to Dr. David Niven, the problem is NOT the fact that you disagree. It’s how you’re disagreeing. He tells us:

“Married couples who report they never argue with each other are 35 percent more likely to divorce within four years than are couples who report regularly disagreeing.” (25) When you talk to one another about areas of conflict, you get issues out into the open instead of ignoring them until they become major crises. This is a good thing! However, if your argument style involves any of the ten characteristics above, then I want you to listen closely to what I have to say next. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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In a healthy relationship, the point of arguing is to express to your partner how you feel and/or find a compromise that suits you both. Does that make sense? If you want to start an argument for the sake of feeling better, or making your partner realize the error of their ways, then those reasons aren’t good enough. Period. Instead, there are two things that you should focus on when arguing. The first is: Expressing How You Feel / Understanding How They Feel We need to talk to our partners more about how we feel. But in order to do that, we need to become aware of our own feelings and how to describe them. I’m going to talk to you a little later about good ways to talk about your feelings to your partner. For right now, just be aware that focusing on how you feel – NOT what your partner did to you – will help you keep the argument from degenerating into personal attacks or personal criticism.

“Arguments stop being healthy when they become a power struggle.”

Remember: this is NOT about judging your partner. This is about your partner understanding how you feel, and you understanding how your partner feels. It’s absolutely miraculous how something as simple as understanding a situation from the other person’s point of view can dissolve negative emotions like resentfulness or rancor.

It’s really hard to continue to hold a grudge against someone when you understand why something happened as it did or why they believe what they do.


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It’s hard to stay mad at one another when you can empathize with their position. Focus on sharing your own feelings rather than blaming your partner for being the cause of those feelings … and you’ll find out exactly what I mean about miracles. Finding a Compromise/Agreement that Suits You Both I’ve told you this once, but I’ll tell you again. Arguments – as they’re usually conducted – don’t work. Think about it. How often have one of YOUR arguments resulted in exactly the response that you wanted it to? Sometimes the person who starts the argument hopes to wound the other person. They hope that their partner will admit they’re wrong and beg forgiveness. They hope that their partner will agree with them and take steps immediately to right the wrongs that have been done. And what happens instead? Their partner gets mad, they shout at each other for a while, and then each stomps off in a huff. It ends in a stalemate. If you’re going to learn to disagree effectively with your partner, you must accept that you’re not in an argument to win at all costs. Instead, you’re in an argument to come to some sort of solution as a couple that you can both live with. If you can’t do that, at least you can be satisfied with the fact that you’ve shared your feelings and that you understand one another a little better.

“If neither of you can settle on a compromise or a solution to an issue, you can always come to an agreement.”

You don’t have to fix every problem that you encounter as a couple. Dr. Gottman notes that nearly 70% of the problem spots that a couple has never


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get “solved.” Instead, these conflicts get managed. Managing sore spots means that you both accept that you’ll never fully agree on the issue, but you’ll work to keep it from jeopardizing the love you feel for one another. It’s an important point to consider. There may NOT be a solution to every disagreement you have with your partner … but that’s okay. Can you accept the fact that you may never completely “solve” a problem that you and your partner have? It’s a hard thing to consider, isn’t it? But what if you could? What if you could accept that there were issues that you were never going to be able to get rid of completely … but that you could learn to live with? Wouldn’t your relationship – and your life – be a lot easier? At the end of the day, if neither of you can settle on a compromise or a solution to an issue, you can always come to an agreement. Agree to disagree. Agree to laugh! Agree that some things will never change. Agree that you will still care about one another forever, despite the fact that you can’t get along in some things. That’s the sort of attitude seen in relationships that LAST.

Men and Women Argue Differently According to Hara Estroff Marano, editor-at-large of Psychology Today, the differences between the sexes are visible in how they communicate. Women tend to negotiate, men to order. Women tend to empathize, men to detach. Women tend to look at the big picture first while men hone in on the details. Women intuit while men systematize.

“What they’re arguing about may not be the actual issue.”

Although Dr. Gottman rightly points out that such gender differences don’t make us incompatible, they should be considered.


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One of the most common problems that couples have is that they argue right past each other. Although the couple thinks that they’re arguing about the same thing, they’re actually upset about different issues. For example, Janice has just confronted her husband Bill with a dripping wet towel that had been left on the bathroom floor. She wants to know why he didn’t put in the laundry or hang it up to dry. Bill gets upset that she assumed the culprit was him – “Everything around here is always my fault!” – while not understanding that what Janice is really upset about isn’t the towel. It’s the fact that she feels overwhelmed with housework and unsupported in her attempts to keep the house picked up.

“Being direct about a problem can be especially hard for women.”

Gender differences are evident in how both parties will attempt to solve what they think is the problem. Bill might concede that he does leave the wet towel on the floor, but he may also rightly point out that he has nowhere to hang it. Install a towel rack, and solved! He’s resolved their argument to his satisfaction.

But Janice may feel like crying by this point, because Bill just doesn’t get it. It doesn’t have to do with the towel on the floor. It has to do with her husband not putting in any effort. It has to do with him expecting the house to clean itself while she has to work. Installing a towel rack isn’t going to help Janice at all! It’s important for both parties to recognize that what they’re arguing about may not be the actual issue. Often, a particular argument about something silly – a wet towel, being late, forgetting to pick up the milk – has to do with something much deeper. She might not feel supported. He might feel taken for granted. She might feel emotionally vulnerable. He might feel like he can’t do anything right. That’s why it’s so important, in any argument, to clarify what the issue is. Janice needed to be able to look past her immediate distress over the towel being left on the floor and communicate to Bill how overwhelmed she was feeling with the housework. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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Being direct about a problem can be especially hard for women, as women are socialized from a young age to be indirect about what they need and want. It’s considered rude to come out and say that you “need” something. Instead, women tend to drop hints and make suggestions. They may get upset and refuse to tell their partner why, believing that if he really loves them, he’ll figure it out. However, none of us are mind readers – no matter how long we’ve been together! It’s not fair to the other person to have to guess what the problem is and be blamed for not getting it right. In general, men are less adept at reading body language than women, so what might be obvious to a woman can still be incomprehensible to her partner. Don’t make your partner play guessing games. It won’t help the situation get resolved any faster, and it won’t make either of you feel any better. Even though you may feel like you’re giving up your power by being direct, you have to realize that it’s to your best interests to get the problem solved, rather than prolong it by not telling your partner what the real issue is. For Janice, talking about the wet towel could have been a springboard into her real problem: feeling overwhelmed with the housework.

“It’s always easier to point out the problem than to think of solutions.”

But to communicate even more effectively than that, Janice could have gone one step further. She could have told Bill what she’d like from him. Maybe he could take greater responsibility for certain chores. Maybe they could accept the compromise of a messier house or pay someone to help.

By letting him see what an acceptable solution would look like, from her point of view, Bill could feel more empowered to be part of the solution rather than part of the problem. Again, this is something that you may find difficult. It’s always easier to point out the problem than to think of solutions. You may feel more powerful when you dump a problem in your partner’s lap and expect them to come up with a solution. You may think that your partner should intuitively know what they need to do and not need you to tell them. You may feel like your partner needs to suffer a little longer before you tell them how they can make things right again. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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But why would you do that to someone you supposedly love? If you love your partner, you’re going to do the best you can to keep problems from threatening your relationship. You’re going to care more about your love than about your pride. You’re going to remember that your partner is NOT the enemy – they’re on your side.

The Only Person You Can Do Anything about is Yourself The single biggest problem I see in couples – time and time again – is that they expect the other person in the relationship to change. “It’s not my fault,” they say. “I’m not the one with the problem. My partner is the one who gets defensive and won’t talk about things. I talk to them about their behavior, but they just won’t listen. Maybe they need to hear it from someone else, like you.” And time and time again, what I tell them is this: “Forget about your partner and focus on YOU.” I want you to forget about expecting your partner to change. I want you to look at them – just the way they are – and assume that this is the person you’re going to be with for the rest of your life.

“The only person you can do anything about in a relationship is yourself.”

If your partner never got any better at whatever it is that they do wrong, could you still love them? I hope that the answer is yes. The only person you can do anything about in a relationship is yourself. You can become a better communicator. You can learn to not get so angry. You can make the effort to understand where your partner is coming from. But you can’t expect your partner to do the same thing back. I can’t emphasize enough how important this insight is.


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Dr. David Niven notes that “in interviews about their relationships, people were three times more likely to emphasize their partner’s role in problems and twice as likely to emphasize their own contribution to the strengths of the relationship” (121). Focusing on what your partner does wrong and what you do right will only keep you stuck in the same place you’re at right now. One the other hand, focusing on what your partner does right and what you do wrong (which you can correct) can change everything. You see, every relationship is a journey of self-discovery. In his book The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck defines love as “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth” (82). Thus, love isn’t about expecting anything out of your partner. It’s about growing as a person.

“You can break this cycle of projection and denial by accepting 100% responsibility.”

And part of that growth process is seeing what you’re projecting onto your partner. The theory of psychological projection was first developed by Sigmund Freud, who described it as our tendency to attribute our own unwanted thoughts and feelings onto others. For example, a person who’s secretly having an affair may accuse their partner of having affairs. A person who’s always arguing with their partner may accuse their partner of being the argumentative one. Projecting our undesirable traits onto others allows us to deny those qualities in ourselves. A relationship is the perfect environment in which to find out what YOU need to work on for your own personal and spiritual growth. The moment you start accusing your partner of being selfish, uncommunicative, argumentative, or defensive, you have uncovered an important clue about what YOU need to work on for your own personal growth. You see, you wouldn’t mind your partner being selfish so much if you accepted that you yourself had a selfish side. You wouldn’t mind your partner being uncommunicative so much if you could accept that you, too, felt uncommunicative at times.


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Although you may feel like you’re able to see what your partner needs to work on quite clearly, your perception is likely to reveal more about YOU than them. You can break this cycle of projection and denial by accepting 100% responsibility for what goes on in your relationship. You can focus on the things that you can control: namely, yourself. You can learn to respond better to your partner. You can learn to empathize with their feelings. You can learn to give them the support they need to feel safe in your love. In the process, you’ll find that conflicts no longer divide you. Instead, they unite you as a couple. Surviving each conflict only strengthens your commitment to each other. You can handle anything together. And that sort of attitude is what will make a relationship survive.

“Projecting our undesirable traits onto others allows us to deny those qualities in ourselves.”


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How to Forgive “Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.” Roberto Assagioli Your partner will hurt you. During the chaos that is a couple’s day-to-day life together, no one can be perfect 100% of the time. Despite their best intentions, there are going to be times that your partner makes stupid mistakes, says something without thinking, or does something that hurts you. And the more you love your partner, the more it’s going to hurt. It’s easy to shrug off the insult of a stranger on the street, but very different when that same insult comes from a loved one. We care about what our partner thinks of us. A friend can tell us we look fat and we know how to laugh it off, but if our partner tells us the same thing we may feel gravely injured. Being in an intimate relationship makes the pettiest wound excruciating. It mystifies me that we’ll forgive a complete stranger the worst of abuses, but we won’t forgive even the smallest slip-up in our mate. We expect better of them. We’ll even forgive a range of behaviors in our friends – such as forgetting our birthday, arriving late, or making a rude comment – that we’d never forgive in our partner. But look once more at the quote that started this section:

“Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.”

Denying forgiveness to your partner is just like poisoning your relationship.


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Refuse to forgive, and you’ll find that resentment, blame, and guilt will build up until you can no longer bear to be with that person anymore. You won’t want to live with the constant reminder of what they did to you and what you did to them. You’d rather say “so long” and start a new relationship with someone who has no past history with you. But sooner or later, that person will hurt you too. You’ll hurt them. You’ll need to forgive one another. If you can’t, you’ll go on to your next relationship … and the next. There are many powerful reasons to forgive. Here are 5 of my favorites. 1. It is easier to apologize to a forgiving person than to an angry one. 2. Forgiveness drains the poison from old memories. 3. Forgiveness frees you from having to be a victim. 4. Forgiveness reassures your partner of the unconditional nature of your love for them. 5. Forgiveness reminds your ego that love is more important than pride. If you want your relationships to last, you need to learn to practice forgiveness frequently and whole-heartedly. (You cannot say, “I forgive you,” and still hold back a smidgeon of resentment in your heart.) Here are 5 traits that describe true forgiveness. 1. Forgive an offense immediately. Do not hold back your forgiveness until your partner has done enough penance. 2. Don’t bring up the forgiven offense again. Let bygones be bygones. Avoid using the past as ammunition in an argument you’re having in the present moment. 3. Extend your love to the person who’s committed the offense. The greatest thing that we fear when we’ve hurt our partner is that they’ll not only refuse to forgive us, but that they’ll also stop loving us. Reassure your partner that you still love them, even though you didn’t like their behavior. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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4. Start the healing process. It’s important to realize that both of you are hurting. Even though your partner may have been the one who hurt you, they are suffering, too. They wish they could take back what they did or said, and they may feel guilty and ashamed for hurting you. Extend the olive branch by focusing on healing your relationship. Go away for a weekend together. Have a romantic meal. Give one another a massage. Schedule a “date night.” Reconnect. 5. Forgive yourself. Personally, I know that when someone hurts me, I don’t always respond with the greatest compassion and understanding. My immediate instinct is to lash back or say something hurtful in return. It’s important to forgive yourself for not behaving perfectly, either. Everything is a learning process: as you learn to forgive others, it will become easier to forgive yourself, and vice versa. There are many routes to forgiveness. Some couples take a spiritual approach and reflect on what Jesus said about forgiveness. Other couples focus on reframing the painful experience as a learning opportunity, such that there becomes nothing to forgive at all. One of my favorite routes to forgiveness is through understanding. Seek to understand why your partner did what they did, or said what they said, and ask yourself whether or not it’s possible that you could do the same thing. You’ll quickly find out that you can empathize with your partner, and forgiveness will flow easily from there.

“You need to learn to practice forgiveness.”


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How to Talk about Your Feelings Talking about your feelings is one of the greatest challenges in a relationship. We’re led to believe that if we talk about our feelings too soon, we will scare our partner off. We fear that we’ll become vulnerable if our partner knows our true feelings. We’re worried that if we talk about our negative feelings with our partner, we’ll hurt them or make them feel bad. But such fears shouldn’t keep us from learning how to recognize, express, and empathize with emotions. Emotional literacy is a crucial skill, whether for relationships or for life itself. Daniel Goleman makes the case for emotional education. In his book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More than IQ, he shows how the cost of emotional illiteracy is bankrupting future generations. In general, children are more aggressive, depressive, anxious, socially withdrawn, and unable to focus than ever. Goleman believes that teaching emotional and social skills from a young age, such as emotional self-awareness, managing emotions, expressing emotions productively, empathy, and handling relationships, can help us prevent much of the violence currently seen in our society. But becoming more emotionally intelligent isn’t always easy. We’ve already had many of the ways that we react emotionally programmed into us by the time we hit the end of our teenage years. Our body reacts to emotions far more quickly than the mind. Breaking those habits can be difficult. Still, the rewards of increased emotional self-awareness make it worth the effort. Emotional intelligence will reward you with greater social and career success as well as greater levels of happiness and life satisfaction.

“Emotional literacy is a crucial skill, whether for relationships or for life itself.”

In this section, I’m going to discuss the place where feelings and communication intersect. To be able to communicate our feelings to a loved one, we have to be able to recognize them in ourselves. We have to know how to express a feeling appropriately, and we have to learn how to empathize or respond when someone shares their feelings with us.


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Here’s what you’re going to learn in this section: 1. How to develop greater emotional awareness 2. How to express emotions appropriately 3. How to respond to emotions

How to Develop Greater Emotional Awareness From a young age, girls are enmeshed in a world of dramas and high emotion. Just watch any group of girls play with their dolls. It’s clear that females have an advantage when it comes to naming different emotions and identifying them in others. Although stereotyping women as the “emotional sex” is unfair, the generalization has roots in fact. According to Goleman, “women, on average, experience the entire range of emotions with greater intensity and more volatility than men” (132). When it comes to feelings, men are at a disadvantage. Not only are males socialized to repress unwanted feelings like fear, vulnerability, and hurt, but they are also less adept at reading facial expressions and body language in others. Their inability to identify emotional states in others makes them particularly ill-suited to noticing when their partner is upset or sad, a cause of considerable relationship friction. These gender differences impact how men and women deal with emotions in a relationship.

“Men tend to shut down and withdraw in the face of conflict.”

While women want to talk about how each other feels about the relationship, men often just want to enjoy things without analyzing it too much. While women share their feelings in order to feel listened to, men take it as an invitation to “fix” the problem by giving advice. Women tend to be the ones who bring up an issue in a relationship, while men tend to shut down and withdraw in the face of conflict.


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This last point is an important one. Men are particularly sensitive to negativity and can become emotionally overwhelmed very easily. The slightest criticism from someone they love can spur adrenalin to rush into their veins and their heart to begin racing. Women do find it easier (in other words, less unpleasant) to deal with marital conflict, which is why they’re the ones who are most likely to bring up trouble spots in a relationship. Whether or not you’re male or female, understanding your own emotional states is a good place to start. You can start with something as simple as naming the feelings you are having to yourself. If you find it difficult to pin down your feeling, you can describe your feeling as “good” or “bad.” Eventually, you’ll want to progress to more descriptive words such as happy, disappointed, or upset. It may also be useful for you to rate your feeling on a scale of 1 to 10. Something minor that upsets you very little might fall on the 1 side of the scale, while a major crisis that makes you very upset would rate a 10. Through rating your feeling, you can assess how important that feeling is to you and whether it merits taking action.

“You can start with something as simple as naming the feelings you are having to yourself.”

Once you master recognizing your basic emotional states, you will notice that there are always deeper layers to your emotions. Our emotions aren’t always easily described. For example, imagine that your spouse just got a promotion. Although you’re happy for them, you also worry what effects this change will have on your relationship. Maybe they’ll start working longer hours. Maybe they’ll change as a result of their new job. As a result of your fears, you could describe your feelings as happy and proud, but also fearful and worried. You need to communicate ALL your feelings to your partner. If you don’t – if you are too scared to admit your fears as well as your pride – your partner may wonder why you aren’t as happy as they thought you’d be. They might assume that you’re not being supportive.


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Understanding this level of complexity in your emotions will help you understand your own behavior better. All of us have found ourselves doing or saying things that surprise ourselves. That’s because our emotions are rarely as simple as they seem on the surface.

“Think of negative feelings as a sign that you need to pay attention to something in your life.”

Going back to the example of your partner getting a promotion, you may not just be happy for them AND worried that things will change in your relationship. You may ALSO feel jealous that they’ve moving ahead in their career while you’re not. You may even feel a competitive urge to show your partner you’re still just as “good” as they are.

You may be embarrassed of the feelings you discover in yourself, but that’s okay. Your feelings are just that – feelings. They don’t define you. A person who feels a twinge of jealousy is not a “jealous person.” They just have a jealous feeling! Allowing yourself to bring those negative thoughts to conscious awareness will actually help them dissolve. Think of negative feelings as a sign that you need to pay attention to something in your life. For example, imagine that you’ve injured your leg. Instead of paying attention to the fact that you’re injured, however, you ignore the pain and pretend that nothing is wrong. What’s going to happen? The pain will just get worse and worse! Even though pain is unpleasant, you have to notice it and realize that it’s telling you something important. It’s telling you that you need to pay attention to an injured part of your body and give it rest. Similarly, “psychic pain” (such as anger or fear or jealousy) is a sign that you need to pay attention to an injured part of your psyche and give it a chance to heal.


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This is getting rather deep, but it’s incredibly important that you stop fearing your negative thoughts and emotions and instead start learning from them. Many of these feelings and emotions go on beneath the level of our conscious thought. To get even deeper into your own psyche, try this exercise. Pick a topic, like “My Partner’s Promotion” or “My Relationship.” Sit down in a quiet place where you’ll have at least half an hour to work undisturbed. Now, write down every single thought and feeling you have about that topic. Work as fast as you can, and don’t censor anything. ALL your thoughts and feelings are valid. Try not to think too much – just write as fast as you can. You don’t have to explain any particular thought; just assume that you understand what it means, and move on to the next one. You’re finished when you’ve written down every thought or feeling you can remember about the subject. For some people, this exercise can take an hour or longer. If you find yourself running out of time, pick a narrower topic the next time you do it.

“ALL your thoughts and feelings are valid.”

This exercise will help you see the diversity of thoughts and feelings you have in your mind – many of which will be contradictory. Some of your thoughts and feelings may even embarrass you. That’s okay. We all have a “shadow side.” We must accept that we will have negative thoughts and emotions – everyone does – but that it’s up to us to choose to give those thoughts and feelings any power.

How to Express Emotions Appropriately You don’t always have to inform your partner about every feeling you’re having. Personally, I like to inform my partner every time I have a good feeling (e.g. gratitude, love, appreciation, affection, respect) about them. However, I won’t mention a negative feeling unless it merits at least a 5 in my personal scale. When it comes to expressing positive emotions, there’s no limit to the number of times or ways in which you should express them. Simple phrases like, “You make me happy,” or, “I love being with you,” warm the heart and make you both feel more connected.


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When it comes to expressing negative emotions, on the other hand, be judicious and wise with the way in which you express them. Dr. Niven tells us that “long-term studies of relationships find that the negative feelings expressed in the first year of a relationship can affect not only whether that relationship will continue on into the future but also whether or not it will be a happy relationship years later” (94). You don’t have to tell your partner every time something about them irritates you. If your feeling is a fleeting one, chances are that it’s not important enough to bring it to your partner’s attention. However, there are going to be times in which your partner does something that upsets you, makes you angry, makes you sad, or makes you feel disappointed. If it’s a feeling that’s meaningful and important to you, then don’t suppress it. Squashing your feelings into a cold, hard ball in your stomach will just make you feel isolated and alone.

“You will be much more effective by explaining your feelings.”

The best way to talk about your feelings is with “I” statements, such as: “When you do X, I feel Y.” For example, let’s say that your partner made a disparaging comment about you in front of your friends. You could respond by telling your partner, “Don’t ever do that again!” but ordering them to do something is unlikely to get you the results you want. You will be much more effective by explaining your feelings: “When you said that about me in front of our friends, I felt ashamed and angry. I felt unloved, like you didn’t respect me.” Anyone who’s ever raised children knows that the best way to encourage negative behavior in their children is to tell them not to do something. There’s just something about being forbidden to do or say something in particular that makes the forbidden behavior irresistible. Adults aren’t that much different. Commanding your partner to change their ways doesn’t give them much incentive to do so, other than the desire to avoid punishment.


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But luckily, in a healthy relationship, we have a more effective way of encouraging our partner to change their behavior. We can tell them how we feel when they engage in a particular behavior. If you tell your partner, “I feel frightened of you when you shout at me,” your partner is much more likely to lower their voice than if you told them, “Don’t shout at me!” The difference here is subtle. “I feel” brings the feeling back to you, the emotion owner, where the “Don’t” statement is a request to control. One key realization I discuss with couples who come to see me is that you cannot control the actions of others, but you can control your feelings or response. Using “I” and “I feel” statements reinforce this point. By focusing on how you feel, you take ownership of your emotions. You resist the temptation to blame your partner for how you’re feeling. You resist the temptation to tell your partner what to do about it (e.g., “I want an apology from you right now”). Instead, your partner is invited to choose their own response in their own time.

“By focusing on how you feel, you take ownership of your emotions.”

Your focus should simply be on sharing the feeling you have so that your partner is aware of your emotional state, without the need for an immediate response. You should express your feelings as a statement of fact rather than an accusation or a question that needs answering. The more you can express your feelings without the need for a response, the closer you and your partner will become in the expression and sharing of feelings and experiences. Again, I want to emphasize the fact that the feelings themselves are not a bad thing. You should never be ashamed of your emotions or feelings, even the negative ones. The difference between your emotions being a good or a bad thing is in how you choose to express them. In your relationship, if you are able to express love, support, frustration, sadness, and anger, all in a positive way, then your relationship will have a solid foundation for future growth. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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How to Talk About “Us” One aspect of the relationship that is often overlooked in relationships is the uniqueness of “us.” As the relationship progresses to long-term, it’s normal to think of the two of you less as individuals and more as a unit or single entity. It may start with everyday decisions such as doing the grocery shopping, cooking the evening meal, or making plans for weekends. Gradually you make the transition from thinking less about what YOU will do this weekend to what WE will do.

“What do we need from the grocery store this week?”

“What will we eat for dinner tonight?”

“What would we like to do this weekend?”

“What are our plans for Christmas this year?”

“Where would we like to go for our next holiday?”

Now while a number of these realizations may be automatic as your relationship progresses, there will come a time when it is important to acknowledge this transition with your partner. It’s time for the “us” talk. Central to many relationship crises or times of disconnection, is the assumption that your partner knows what you are thinking and how you feel about the relationship. This is largely because the transition and the changes that are taking place are not talked about or acknowledged, and the perception may be that any difficulty with the change process is restricted to you. Moving from “me” to “we” can be a struggle, especially as you feel you may be giving up a part of your independence and self-determination for the sake of the relationship. Instead of thinking about yourself, for the first time in a while you may be thinking about two people. The decisions you make in life will have an effect on more than just you, and this level of responsibility can be both exhilarating and daunting, depending on which way you choose to look at it. We cling to those things around us that seem familiar, and a part of us may miss our old life and the sense of security that its familiarity gave us. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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Relationships are a time of great change and personal growth. Without acknowledging these changes with your partner, it can be easy for many underlying issues to go unnoticed. Talking about the change is a good way of sharing your experiences rather than struggling through them on your own. Any feelings you may be having – exhilaration, excitement, nervousness, or frustration – may all be feelings that are shared by your partner at one time or another through this process. What better way to overcome the situation than by sharing with the one person that is experiencing these same emotions with you? Remember, it’s okay to have these feelings. How we choose to express them determines whether this is positive or not. Sharing your experiences may be a good way of bonding and coming together and reassuring each other through an exciting and turbulent time. The key to this process is in understanding that, during times of change, you are both being called to learn. The relationship is the perfect opportunity in which this happens.

“It’s okay not to have all the answers, and it’s okay to make mistakes.”

It’s okay not to have all the answers, and it’s okay to make mistakes. Perfection is a dangerous illusion. The important thing is that you are able to recognize that you are still learning how to live and love together. Talking about the process will help take the fear away.

What It Means To Be a Couple What does it mean for the two of you to be a couple? Is it the culmination of a dream? Is it a meeting of two people that are both going in the same direction in life? Is it two souls that complement each other well and keep each other’s moods and motivations in check? Or is your relationship a stepping stone to where you want to be? Sspend some time considering what this relationship means to you and what it says about the person you are at the moment. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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For this part, I want you to spend some time in a favorite place, away from your daily distractions and other people, and use this time to reflect on your relationship. What does being a couple mean to you? What are the good parts of being in a relationship? List your thoughts on a sheet of paper, as you think about all the things you can achieve as a couple that you can’t achieve on your own.

“It’s important to recognize the progress you have made and what is good about your relationship.”

Then I want you to think about the good things that have happened in your life since you have met your partner. This is not just the physical things that have happened but emotional things as well. It may be a feeling of comfort and security, a feeling of satisfaction and love, a feeling of acceptance and calm that you feel when you are around your loved one. Think about how your life has improved and how much you have evolved and achieved emotionally since you met each other.

Your partner can either do this exercise separately or with you. You may or may not want to share your results with your partner, so I will leave that up to you. Now, examine your relationship as you see it today. Do you think the relationship is going well? What things would you like to change to make it even better? It’s important to recognize the progress you have made and what is good about your relationship, but it’s equally important to take this opportunity to re-evaluate your connection and make a commitment to making small improvements. It may be something as simple as setting aside one night a week where you stay at home and focus on each other, talking, connecting, touching, and being intimate. You may have a bath together, give each other a massage, or share a bottle of wine together. It may be as simple as sitting together and listening to a favorite album or watching a movie. Talk about the importance of simply being together. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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Balancing Time Equally as important as couple time is the ability to connect with your individual self. A healthy relationship involves a balance of “we” versus “me” time. Being able to talk about this need for time apart is crucial to avoid misunderstandings that may arise. For men, it may be a need to stay in contact with mates and partake in male rituals such as catching up over a beer, fishing, playing sports, fixing cars, or a range of male-oriented pursuits. For women, it may be the opportunity to catch up with friends, go shopping, fit in recreational pursuits, or a range of female-oriented tasks. Maintaining your healthy relationship involves you recognizing that your boyfriend may not enjoy those trips to the mall to look at clothes, or recognizing that your girlfriend may not be interested in spending a Saturday afternoon at the bar watching sports. Acknowledge those differences and talk about them. One important reason you love your partner is because they are different to you. Celebrating the differences that make your partner a man or woman, rather than suppressing them, is the key to relationship success.

“Acknowledge those differences and talk about them.”

Don’t let your partner think that time apart means that you don’t like them anymore. If your partner is the type that gets jealous about you spending time with friends, talk to them about why it’s important to you to bond with your friends or spend time doing sports and hobbies, but also talk to them about how they are important to you as well. If spending time with friends is important, talk about how your friends make you feel about yourself, and what it brings to your life. The same may apply to any team sports or hobbies you have. Other people or hobbies can bring another dimension to your life, and offer you the opportunity to expand your skills or reach some of your life goals. It also gives you something to talk about with your partner when you are together.


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Think about why your partner may not like you spending time away from them. Are they worried that you are losing your sense of connection? Do they worry about your friends? Do they worry about the amount of time you spend doing individual things? Consider their motivations and how they may feel about the situation. How much quality time do you set aside for your partner? What sort of things do you do when you are together? I know a couple that would do fun things when they were apart, and stay at home and do the chores or home renovations when they were together. Over time, the woman that came to see me had started to resent her boyfriend, because she felt he had no time or inclination to do fun things when he was around her. Talking to me about it helped open up the process where the couple sat down and made plans to do fun things together every few weeks as well as finish their home renovations. That way a sense of accomplishment was achieved both in terms of the home and their social life.

“Think about the type of things you do with your partner.”

Think about the type of things you do with your partner. Do you wish you had more time to spend having a meal together, or walking in the evenings? Talk to them about things that THEY would like to do more of together. It may be a simple need for reassurance that you can do fun things as a couple as well as fun things as individuals.

Having Direction Another important aspect of talking about “us” is establishing if your relationship has any direction. What is the purpose of your relationship? Do you have goals that you want to achieve as a couple? Do you support each other in accomplishing your goals? Thinking in terms of your focus and your future, do you look beyond next week with your relationship? Do you look beyond next month, or even next year? Does your relationship have long-term goals? The most successful relationships are those that not only have goals that are achievable in the short-term, but also goals that look forward into the next year or two, maybe even the next five years.


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Many couples avoid having the goals discussion because they don’t see themselves with their partner in a year or two, or they are worried that their partner doesn’t see themselves with you in that time. As long as you are both aware of each other’s intentions and life goals, you can establish if you want to go in the same direction or if you want to experience life down a different path. To do this, sit down with your partner and talk to them about their personal goals, both short-term and long-term. Ask them what their dreams and aspirations are. You may even want to make a list. Make one column for goals that can be achieved within 12 months, and one column for goals that can be achieved in 12 months or more. Do one list for you and one list for your partner. Then I want you to talk about your goals, and explain to each other why you have these goals and why they are important to you. This is a good way of bonding and understanding each other. Seeing into each other’s dreams, no matter how fanciful, gives each of you a glimpse into each other’s souls, and can be a very powerful experience. If your relationship is a serious one, this is also a good opportunity to see how you can support one another in reaching these goals, as well as setting some goals as a couple. The limit to your success is only constrained by your imagination and your ability to support one another.

“Seeing into each other’s dreams can be a very powerful experience.”


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How To Talk About The Future Having individual and mutual goals is the first step to relationship success, so the next step is in talking about then and assessing your progress at regular intervals. What exciting things do you have to look forward to in your relationship? Is it the purchase of a favorite item of furniture? Is it tickets to a concert? Is it a trip away? Or is it a car, a pet, a house, or children? In order to let your relationship flourish, it’s important once you have set your goals to regularly measure your progress. Are the two of you putting enough money aside to realize these goals? If reaching these goals is important, how often should you be talking about them and measuring your progress without sounding like you are nagging? What’s a good way to bring it up?

“As you change and evolve, so too do the goals that you set and achieve.”

If we are talking about long-term financial goals like buying a vehicle or house, or even an extended overseas holiday, once a month is enough. Discuss how much you are prepared to spend on this goal. Do both of you agree that this is an adequate amount to spend? Next you need to assess the timeframe in which you want to achieve this goal. Is it achievable? Do both of you agree to getting it within this selected time frame? Another thing to assess is the current resources you have. Are you able to allocate enough of your resources, such as effort, time, labor hours, and money to achieve your goal within your set time period? Following on from this, you may need to evaluate how all your goals fit in together. Does achieving one goal come at the expense of achieving another? Make a timeline of when you and your partner expect to achieve each goal, so that you can see it all laid out on a calendar or a list in front of you. Are your goals laid out in the right order, and have you allocated your resources correctly to realize all of these goals?


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An important point to make here is that as you evaluate your goals and your timeline, there will be changes in your priorities and that will result in you changing some of your goals and timeframes. Don’t despair. That’s the wonderful thing about having goals and dreams and being motivated to achieve them. Your goals will change as you do, and this list of goals is what I like to call a living document. It’s a representation of you and the evolutions you make in your life and your relationship. As you change and evolve, so too do the goals that you set and achieve.

Evolution of Conversation Looking at your future and the evolution of your goals as the relationship progresses, so too will the nature of conversation you have as you get to know each other. The rules that dictate conversation when you are attracting men and women are quite different to the conversation norms of couples. As we relax in the relationship and our partners get to know the real us, patterns of conversation can begin to develop, and it’s important to monitor, at least on a casual level, what your conversations are about. What do the majority of your conversations center around? What recurring themes seem to pop up again and again? It is now common wisdom that if there are more negative interchanges going on between a couple than positive, then the marriage or the relationship is in serious trouble. The same thing applies to the topics of conversation. Conversation about negative things brings people’s moods down and can have an adverse effect on the environment and general atmosphere in a room. If you feel that your conversations are becoming negative, you are bringing up volatile topics of discussion that you don’t agree on, or you are bringing up stuff about previous partners or things that could be interpreted as offensive, hostile, or whiny, the quality of your relationship can suffer.

“What recurring themes seem to pop up again and again?”


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Are you aware of the nature of your conversations? This is a skill that many people overlook until long after it has happened. In social situations or even times alone with your partner, there is a temptation to fill silences with conversation, no matter what the topic. The perception is that if you are able to continue talking, the awkwardness of silence is avoided. The irony here is that instead of having awkward silence that you fear, you have simply replaced it with inane conversation. Little thought is put into what is being said, and the filtering of appropriate discussion is reduced. Any awkwardness avoided by eliminating silence is replaced by the awkwardness of conversation that is unfiltered and possibly negative.

Feeling Comfortable With Silence Don’t feel uncomfortable about silence. In fact, I want you to embrace it! There are times when connection and conversation are complementary, but it’s also possible to connect with a loved one in times when no words are exchanged. Think about your relationship. When is the last time you both sat in a room together, with no distractions like radio or television, and simply enjoyed one another’s company? Picture sitting in silence with your partner, having nothing to say. How does it make you feel? Calm? Content? Connected? Nervous?

“Don’t feel uncomfortable about silence.” Quick Exercise As an exercise, I want you to invite your partner into a warm room away from the distractions of other people. Switch off your television and your radio, and sit with your partner. You may want to either sit or lay down. Relax. Hold their hand if you wish. Close your eyes and feel the silence permeate the room and envelop you both as you sit and simply experience each other’s company. All Rights Reserved (c) 2007 MeetYourSweet.com

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It’s nothing to be frightened of. Listen to one another’s breathing, the sounds in the room, the sounds outside beyond the room. Let your mind wander at will, knowing your partner is beside you experiencing this with you. Notice how just being with your loved one makes you feel calm and peaceful. There is no need to pollute this moment with meaningless conversation. After a few minutes, sit up if you have been lying down and open your eyes. Spend a few minutes holding your partners hands, and looking into one another’s eyes. Resist the temptation to say anything. You may feel slightly uncomfortable, or want to giggle, but try your best to look into one another’s eyes and relax. Focus on your breathing. Tell your partner you love them and accept them, but NOT with words … only with your eyes. As you draw this exercise to a close, share your thoughts together on how you found the experience. Let the words you use have meaning, and when you are done, know when to finish. A person of few words can often convey more reassurance and meaning in one sentence than someone who chats endlessly for hours.

“Resist the temptation to say anything.”


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Knowing When to Listen “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” Epictetus Knowing how to talk to your partner is only half of the skills necessary for a healthy relationship. The other necessary skill is the ability to listen. When I talk about the ability to listen, it’s about much more than simply letting the other person speak. It’s about letting their words enter your mind, and receiving the message they are giving you through their conversation. In order to do this effectively, it’s necessary to develop a skill we call “active listening.” This is when you listen completely to what is being said. How do you do that? In order to “actively listen,” you need to switch off your inner mind, or internal monologue. This is the part of your mind that answers each comment that is said, gives excuses or justifications, or anticipates what is being said and seeks out answers. If your mind is concentrating on finding justification and answers as the other person is speaking, you are compromising your ability to receive all the information that is coming to you. It’s about receiving much more than just words. In order to “actively listen,” you need to receive the inflection, the emotion, and the meaning behind the words. We have mentioned right through the book the fact that communication is about much more than words. Non-verbal communication, such as body language and the meaning or emphasis attached to words can dramatically alter the message that is being conveyed.

“Switch off your inner mind.”

In order to fully receive all of the information that is being conveyed to you in conversation, it is necessary to listen with all facets of your being.


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That being said, it’s a difficult skill to master. Many of us find it hard to switch off our internal monologue, especially when we are emotionally attached to the person and the conversation. When the adrenalin kicks in, the heart rate goes up, and the endorphins are rushing through your body, it is hard to calm down, take a deep breath, and block out your subconscious to simply listen. So why is it necessary to “actively listen”? It’s a respect thing. Communication is perhaps the single most important aspect of a relationship, and active listening is a skill that helps enrich your connection. How do you develop this skill? To assist you in developing this skill, I want you to sit with your partner and try an exercise. Listen to your partner and write down notes as they are speaking to you. Write down what you believe the message is that they are trying to get through to you. Once they have finished, I want you to tell your partner what you believe they are trying to tell you. It’s vital that you don’t add any of your thoughts or justifications here, just what you believe your partner is trying to tell you. This is not the time for a discussion. Simply repeat back what you received from your partner’s conversation. Do they agree with you that this is the message they are trying to send? The next step is to ask your partner to do the listening as you talk to them. See if they can receive your message effectively and actively listen. Once you have both finished, discuss how well you listen to each other, and where improvements can be made. You won’t get it all right the first time, but over time it will be a skill that will develop and improve. Communication and conversation are central to a healthy relationship. Your ability to both talk about your feelings and experiences as they happen, and your ability to respect your partner and listen when they are communicating with you, is going to cement the bonds in your relationship and lead to greater understanding, both of your partner, and what it takes to achieve relationship success.


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Conclusion You’ve just finished an amazing journey. The skills that you’ve learned in the preceding chapters won’t just just you with the opposite sex; they’ll set you up for success in LIFE. People who feel confident in their ability to communicate know how to ask for what they want. They know how to present their best self to others. They set even the shyest person at ease. They get invited to more parties, nominated to more positions of authority, and even get promoted more often than poor communicators. Communication is one of the most important life skills that you will EVER learn. But it’s not as simple as always having something to say. Before you started this book, you may have thought that all you needed was the “gift of gab” to be able to attract and keep the mate of your dreams. But you should now realize that communication is far more complex than that. Communication is the primary way we bond and connect as human beings. It’s the way we share our hopes and dreams. It’s the way we LOVE one another. Without communication, we would all be lonely islands, isolated from one another by seas of misunderstanding. If you have ever felt alone, misjudged, or unable to talk about your feelings, then I want you to read this book again and again. Print it out and highlight the sections that are meaningful to you. Make the effort to DO the exercises. Break the vicious cycle of feeling misunderstood and unable to talk about it. Commit to mastering this one area of your life, and EVERYTHING will change for you. That’s my promise to you. Wishing you all the best from the folks here at Meet Your Sweet,

Mia Summers

Amy Waterman


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Goleman, Daniel. Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Bloomsbury: London, 1995. ---. Social Intelligence: The Revolutionary New Science of Human Relationships. Bantam: New York, 2007. Geoghegan, Tom. “A Step-by-Step Guide to Charisma.” BBC News Magazine. 26 May 2005. 19 October 2007. Gray, John. Mars and Venus on a Date: A Guide for Navigating the 5 Stages of Dating to Create a Loving and Lasting Relationship. Perennial Currents: New York, 1997. Haier, Richard and Rex Jung, as quoted by Bjorn Carey. “Men and Women Really Do Think Differently.” LiveScience. 20 January 2005. 19 October 2007. Kane, Ariel and Shya. Working on Yourself Doesn’t Work. Ask Productions, Inc: New York, 1999. Lowndes, Leil. How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships. Contemporary Books: New York, 2003. Malt, Maxwell. Psycho-Cybernetics: A New Way to Get More Living Out of Life. Prentice-Hall: Englewood Cliffs, NJ, 1960. Marano , Hara Estroff and Erik Strand. “The Opposite Sex.” Psychology Today July/August 2003: 38-46. McKay, Scot. X & Y Communications. Milnes, Jeremy, quoted by Tom Geoghegan. “A Step-by-Step Guide to Charisma.” BBC News. 26 May 2005. 19 October 2007. Niolon, Richard. “Gottman’s Sound Marital House Model.” Couples: March 2005. 21 October 2007.


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Niven, David. 100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships: What Scientists Have Learned and How You Can Use It. HarperSanFrancisco: New York, 2006. Nguyen, Sheena. “Everlasting love? Meet UW psychologist John Gottman.” The Daily: October 3, 2007. Option Institute. “Relationships: Issues We Face.” 21 October 2007. Pease, Barbara and Allen. Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps: How We’re Different and What to Do About It. Broadway Books: New York, 1998. Peck, M. Scott. The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values, and Spiritual Growth. Touchstone: New York, 1978. Perper, Timothy, as quoted by Joann Ellison Rodgers. “Flirting Fascination.” Psychology Today. 19 Jan 2006. 19 October 2007. Strauss, Neil. The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists. Regan Books: New York, 2005.


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