When I Fall in Love Again: A New Study on Finding and Keeping the Love of Your Life

WHEN I FALL IN LOVE AGAIN A New Study on Finding and Keeping the Love of Your Life Jane Merrill and David Knox PRAEGER...

Author: Jane Merrill | David Knox Jr.

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WHEN I FALL IN LOVE AGAIN A New Study on Finding and Keeping the Love of Your Life Jane Merrill and David Knox

PRAEGER An Imprint of ABC-CLIO, LLC

Copyright 2010 by Jane Merrill and David Knox All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review, without prior permission in writing from the publisher. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Merrill, Jane. When I fall in love again : a new study on finding and keeping the love of your life / Jane Merrill and David Knox. p. cm. ISBN 978-0-313-38086-0 (hard copy : alk. paper) — ISBN 978-0-313-38087-7 (ebook) 1. Love. 2. Interpersonal relations. I. Knox, David. II. Title. BF575.L8M375 2010 306.7’3–dc22 2009028807 ISBN: 978-0-313-38086-0 EISBN: 978-0-313-38087-7 14 13 12

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This book is also available on the World Wide Web as an eBook. Visit www.abc-clio.com for details. Praeger An Imprint of ABC-CLIO, LLC ABC-CLIO, LLC 130 Cremona Drive, P.O. Box 1911 Santa Barbara, California 93116-1911 This book is printed on acid-free paper Manufactured in the United States of America

Contents

Preface Acknowledgments

v vii

Chapter 1. Sexual Regrets: Survey of 429 Respondents

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Chapter 2. Sexual Secrets: Sixty Women Talk about Sex and Relationships

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Chapter 3. Recovering One’s Balance: Moving On

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Chapter 4. Play the Game or Lose: Managing the Double Standard

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Chapter 5. Self-Esteem: Its Importance and How to Achieve It

63

Chapter 6. Mama: What She Didn’t Tell You about Sex and Men

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Chapter 7. Daddy: What He Wouldn’t Tell You about Sex

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Chapter 8. Infidelity: Relationship Poison

93

Chapter 9. Finding Your Man: He’s Looking for You Too

113

Chapter 10. Connecting: Communication Basics

131

Chapter 11. Being in the Moment: There’s No Place Else

141

Chapter 12. Sexual Makeover: The New Sexual You

147

Chapter 13. Your Wedding Night: A Night to Remember

157

Chapter 14. Keeping Sex Alive: It’s All about Your Relationship

171

Chapter 15. Sex Self-Tests: Ten of Them

185

Chapter 16. Relationship Self-Tests: Twelve of Them

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Index

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About the Authors

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Preface How a relationship ends is the most demanding of all episodes in the

romantic repertoire. From a woman’s point of view, it is that turn that you do on figure skates. You’ve put your hope and heart, your life story and devotion into being with a man. Then, poof, you realize it’s over or you’re told it’s over. You can’t fall down escalators or throw yourself off a bridge. You may be in a context where you have children or a very demanding job where you have to keep up a serene demeanor. And because you have the desire to live and be happy, perhaps buried in you like a seed, you muse, ‘‘Maybe I’ll get it right with the next man.’’ Making that turn in a healthy, successful way is the focus of this book. I (Jane—the first author), who have had a romantic life with as many ups and downs as a seismograph, judge this turning of one’s love to a new man most difficult. Yet, the transition may also be like a rebirth, invigorating depending on circumstances. You may be at that stage where you want to settle down and have a child and are thinking about a man as the potential father of your children. Or, if your parenting questions are at rest and you seek a loving, companionable mate, these issues present very differently. While it may be refreshing for some women to go to a new man (‘‘Am I ever glad I am flying free and trying somebody new!’’), for others, it is like a death experience. Thus the turn of the skate on the ice, although I can hear it with every fiber of my being, has many configurations. I’ve made more lifestyle changes than an actress changes costumes in a repertory company—moving around nearly as much too. Raised by grandmothers who were latter-day Victorians, I imbibed their view of the gentle, good nurturing woman, yet saw them left on their own from their forties. It’s been a full circle but not a closed circle. I have thought about every move away from the life I expected, to a very unconventional life, and am now living with a quiet country man, gardening and cooking and walking with him as if it were two centuries ago. Yes, I thought, maybe I know something

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Preface

about making that turn. The experiences include being abandoned, having an out-of-wedlock child by a man who spurned me, being tempted by values not my own, being confused by male attention and being deprived of it, adapting, and moving forward . . . My first husband decided he didn’t want to be married—‘‘a philosophical decision,’’ he said—while I was in Europe studying, when I wondered why his daily letters had ceased. My big immediate problem as I got a job and survived was crying without warning on the train. I have surely felt like a widow. I thought, ‘‘Well, I guess I don’t know what it’s like to have suffered abuse and go on.’’ Yet twice a man beat me up, once so badly I went to the hospital and the police insisted on my assailant being taken to court. Prostitution? On my birthday, after we had sex, one man left money. Someone else (wealthy no less) said he’d like to lift my burden as a single mother. He gave me a $50,000 check on our third date, which I cut up and stuck in an anthology of poetry, to perplex a forebear in a century to come. ‘‘There are two types of people.’’ That is such familiar rhetoric, isn’t it? Certainly from the angle of learning life lessons there are those who have to make all the mistakes and those who can deduce the right precepts from watching others hit the potholes. One winter day one of my daughters wondered how it felt to be one of the ducks still on the lake. She jumped off the boardwalk into the icy water. I should have known Julia would, like me, have to learn by trial and error. Yet her older brother and sister would never have considered a caper like this. In my coming of age, a period of feminist intensification in America, I experimented, as we like to say, or went wild, as is the truth. Does that mean it’s less a marvel to go to bed with my life partner? Certainly it’s still a wonder. When I was shy and with a man of considerably more sexual experience, I remember thinking I didn’t know how to kiss, or what to do with my hands and feet. You may forget later but at first you feel all thumbs in bed. This man said with warmth and kindness, ‘‘But there aren’t any experts when it comes to sex.’’ As a woman who has experienced the relationship landscape, I care about other women who are evolving in life and love—to move from poor choices and regret to a place in the sun. How can we execute the skater’s turn so we don’t fall down and suffer cuts and bruises, but skate on with improved balance toward a fulfilling happy life? I have teamed with a sociologist who specializes in relationships (he has also been through a divorce, so he’s learning, too), and these are the questions through surveys, interviews, and reflection that we attempt to answer in this book. Join us.

Acknowledgments

All books are a collaborative effort. We are indebted to Anthony

Chiffolo (director of Praeger Publishers) for his quick response to our proposal (submitted by agent Stan Wakefield) on sexual regret and his encouragement to move forward. We also acknowledge Tracie Gardner (California) and Corie Hammers (South Carolina) for assisting us in collecting the data and express appreciation to the 429 Internet respondents (who completed the extensive Sexual Regret questionnaire). Leia Cain-Davenport analyzed the data. Finally we are appreciative to the seventy individuals who shared their regret and relationship stories during detailed interviews. To protect their identity we have used false first names, no last names, and altered aspects of their demographics so that they would be recognized by no one.

1 Sexual Regrets: Survey of 429 Respondents

To regret deeply is to live afresh.

—Henry David Thoreau

Who has not experienced some level of sexual regret? This book is a

contemporary guide for women who regret their timing of sex in previous relationships (they may have given sex too quickly) and who are committed to making wiser sexual choices in their current or new relationship. They want to feel good about themselves and to ensure that sex (this time) becomes part of a relationship that is going somewhere. This chapter features new research about sexual regret, the emotions experienced by both women and men over the course of the relationship, and the various relationship issues individuals and couples struggle with. Four hundred and twenty-nine university students in California and North and South Carolina completed an anonymous Internet questionnaire on sexual and relationship regret. Over threefourths (76 percent) were female; 24 percent were male. Six in ten were ‘‘emotionally involved with one person,’’ engaged, or married; 23 percent were between relationships in that they were not dating or involved with anyone; and 15 percent were casually dating different people. Most all of the respondents were relationship experienced. TIMING OF SEXUAL INVOLVEMENT

‘‘The only things one never regrets are one’s mistakes,’’ wrote Oscar Wilde in The Picture of Dorian Gray, yet coulda and shoulda plague us all. Most of us have some regrets and wish we had done something different. Sexual regret is no exception. Table 1 reflects the percentage who reported feeling regret for engaging ‘‘too soon’’ or ‘‘too late’’ in various behaviors in the current or last relationship.

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When I Fall in Love Again

Table 1. Regret for Engaging in Behavior ‘‘Too Soon’’ or ‘‘Too Late’’ (N = 429) Behaviors Sexual Intercourse Spent the Night Saying ‘‘I love you’’ Kissing

‘‘Too Soon’’

‘‘Too Late’’

‘‘Perfect Timing’’

‘‘Did Not Do Yet’’

33.3% 26.6% 26.1% 11.1%

3.3% 3.7% 3.9% 3.1%

48.4% 58.8% 50.8% 82.8%

15.0% 11.4% 19.2% 3.1%

A third of the respondents regretted that sexual intercourse occurred too soon, with women significantly more likely than men to report regret (35 percent versus 27 percent). In a study of 15,488 individuals reporting on their current relationships, 23 percent of the men and 11 percent of the women reported that they had had sexual intercourse within twenty-four hours of meeting.1 Researchers Eshbaugh and Gute2 found that sexual regret regarding sexual intercourse could be predicted if two conditions were met: (1) The intercourse occurred with someone they had known for less than twenty-four hours, and (2) The intercourse occurred with that person once and only once. The message is clear and a focal point of this book. Unless one is ‘‘hooking up’’ and cares not a jot for the future of the relationship with the partner, the best decision is to wait before integrating sex into the relationship. By doing so, the woman maintains her self-respect (‘‘I am not a slut’’), protects the partner’s view (‘‘She respects herself which makes it easy for me to respect her too’’), and keeps the option alive for the relationship to have a future (‘‘We wanted to get to know each other . . . it wasn’t just a sex thing’’). Sexual regret can also result from reasons other than sex ‘‘too soon.’’ Other researchers3 have found that sexual regret was associated with being too young, being pressured to have sex, and having had too much alcohol. To give a voice to the percentages in table 1, seventy interviews (sixty women and ten men) were conducted. A common theme of the women who were interviewed is captured in the following comment: When I have the chance to experience sex with someone new, my first thought is to jump right in, ask questions later. However, my very second thought is, ‘‘If we do this, will he think I’m slutty?’’ followed by ‘‘Is it too early to be doing this? What if I regret it?’’ Looking back at my dating experiences over the past several years, it seems that earlier on,

Sexual Regrets

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I [would] let a guy talk me into doing something sexual, even though those questions were running circles in my head. However, in the most recent instances, I remained firm that sex wasn’t going to happen so soon into dating someone, and I do not regret my decision. In the future, I don’t plan on being intimate with anyone until we have gone from ‘‘going out on dates’’ to boyfriend/girlfriend status.

What is insightful about this quote is that experience seems to bring wisdom in how to pace the sex in one’s relationships. This woman felt that getting talked into early sex was no longer acceptable and that her criterion of having an established relationship status (girlfriend) was what worked for her. Getting to this level of confidence often comes after some heartbreak. Another woman said: He was the wrong person and that resulted in my feeling foolish and used. The next boyfriend too was a mistake. I had a series of brief, abortive flings that never should have been, that were perpetuated because of sex. I wasn’t that desirous (this came later) but I was flattered by men’s wanting me—it embarrasses me to think how they snapped their fingers and off I went.

In addition to confirming that sexual regret occurred, our Internet survey revealed that most of the respondents were not overwrought with regret. Only 6.2 percent of the 429 respondents reported that they had ‘‘enormous’’ regret in having intercourse in their relationships; 31 percent had ‘‘no’’ regret. On a scale from zero (no) to 10 (enormous) regret, the average score was 4.2. For some, any regret was tempered with the knowledge that one’s own needs to be touched and held were very powerful: Sometimes, I’m willing to engage in sex just to have the physical affection. Sometimes, I regret that afterward, and at the same time I recognize it as a very strong need, so I don’t beat myself up for that long as it doesn’t happen very often. If it’s casual, I don’t have a set time frame or set of events that must occur. I feel most comfortable with the decision to have sex once he has expressed love feelings—but that certainly isn’t a guarantee things will continue.

Others don’t have sexual regret since they feel they had reasons for deciding what they did at the time: The lesson I take away from all these regrets, though, is a sense of independence in romantic relationships. I can feel bad about decisions I made in my past all day long, but guilt/regret/second-guessing etc. don’t erase the fact that I was there and involved in making the decision in the first place. I had

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When I Fall in Love Again my reasons when the questionable decision was made, and those reasons were motivated by a variety of factors that shaped who I was at the time.

The point is to not beat yourself up about the past but to learn from it and make new decisions with new people to ensure a new outcome. EMOTIONS OVER TIME IN ONE’S RELATIONSHIP Table 2 reflects the percentage of 429 respondents who reported various emotions across three time points in the relationship: initial interactions, pre-sexual intercourse, and after sexual intercourse. The percentages in table 2 reveal that the time of greatest happiness and hope is that of the initial meeting and interaction. As the relationship Progresses to pre-intercourse, there is a drop-off. There is another drop-off after intercourse. Similarly, there is little sadness or regret in the beginning of a relationship but, as it continues, there in an increase in both prior to intercourse. After intercourse, over a third report sadness and over a fourth report regret. Again, women are more likely than men to report sadness (39 percent versus 27 percent) and regret (27 percent versus 24 percent). The stereotype regarding sadness is that men are immune. But the data reveal that over a fourth of the male respondents felt sadness. They crumbled at the knees when their love was not returned or they were rejected. Here is a comment from a male talking about the breakup of his marriage: I think women should know that while men pretend to buck up, they really are more distressed than they let on. I think the ‘‘there’s more fish in the sea’’ mantra is a crock for men especially if the breakup is from ‘‘the one.’’ She should know that his anger is a cover for the emotional hurt he is experiencing. Perhaps, denial of a situation and hope for a

Table 2. Emotions across Time (N = 429) Feelings Happiness Hope Love Sadness Regret

Initial Interactions

Pre-Intercourse

After Intercourse

Not Applicable

73.2% 66.9% 20.0% 5.2% 3.3%

60.7% 45.5% 48.0% 10.6% 4.6%

49.9% 35.3% 49.9% 35.1% 26.6%

3.3% 7.3% 17.0% 48.0% 60.9%

Sexual Regrets

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shared future is futile but it helps get you through the first few weeks—I think this is true for men and women.

Of regret, one woman said: I’ve slept with men that I wish I hadn’t slept with, but you cannot go back in time. It’s over and don’t beat yourself up—we’re all just evolving and we’re all just trying to find some happiness in the world. My attitude toward men has changed, I love all kinds, and I still find myself turning my head if I see a good-looking man, even if he’s twenty years younger than me (and I’m married) or if he’s married or whatever. I still have dreams about Robert De Niro and other famous leading men, and I have dreams about people I work with, and dreams about acquaintances if I think they’re handsome . . . life is too short to have regrets about that sort of thing.

Part of the regret comes from hanging on too long, of hoping that the guy will change. Speaking to this issue, one respondent said: I would have cut Edward off a lot sooner than I did; we were together for about four and a half years on and off. I gave him way too many chances that he didn’t deserve but I did anyway because I loved him, and he turned out to be a real shit. He lied, was unavailable, all those red flags. I should have listened to my instincts more, which is something I’m doing more of now as a result. . . . If a guy is into you, he will make time, he will call. He will show you he cares. So yeah, I wouldn’t have given him those chances. He didn’t deserve it. . . . The words every woman needs to hear, accept and understand: assholes never change.

Regret is not always about sex but about one’s own decisions: Yes, I have experienced sexual regret. It made me realize that some men are willing to engage in a sexual relationship with someone they have no intention of being with and are in it for the immediate sexual release. At that moment, it hurt but then I realized it was probably better because I wouldn’t want to be in any type of relationship with anyone that would treat me that way. The regret I have has more to do with decisions I made that sacrificed me in a very personal way more than regret over going to bed with a man.

Some respondents reported that their judgment was altered by their sex drive which was a conduit for an emotional connection. On a scale from zero (no) to 10 (a great deal), respondents were asked to identify the degree to which they felt they had an overwhelming sex drive that

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they needed to keep in check. Almost 30 percent (29.2) selected the number 7 or higher. While the average was 4.5, 10 percent selected 9 or 10. Of sex as a way to connect, one woman said: In retrospect, I feel foolish about my fixations on some unworthy men . . . hanging around because of the sexual connection that generated a feeling of closeness or something special that really wasn’t there. But again, that’s who I was in my twenties, flailing about for connection.

RELATIONSHIP ISSUES Since sex occurs in the context of a relationship, we asked the degree to which various issues were problematic. Table 3 reflects the percentage of 429 respondents who reported the level of difficulty they had experienced with each relationship issue. Relationships Are Not Easy The message that leaps out from table 3 is that relationships are not easy. Woody Allen recalls telling his psychiatrist that his uncle ‘‘thinks he [the uncle] is a chicken.’’ The psychiatrist wonders why his kinfolk put up with the uncle and Allen responds, ‘‘We need the eggs.’’ For all the difficulties that may be involved in relationships, we never tire of our involvement in them . . . we need the eggs (e.g., enjoyment of interaction and involvement). Table 3. Difficult Relationship Issues (N = 429) Issue Maintaining a Relationship Finding a Partner Disagree on Values Disagree on Money Partner’s Infidelity Own Infidelity Own Marriage Commitment Partner’s Marriage Commitment Partner’s Interest in Sex

Somewhat Difficult

Very Difficult

Extremely Difficult

Not Applicable

47%

16%

5.7%

4.1%

40% 39% 43% 33% 23% 24%

15% 9% 10% 7% 5% 10%

5.7% 2.6% 3% 2.8% .6% 7%

4.1% 6.3% 11% 10% 7% 24.2%

23%

8%

5%

29.2%

17%

4%

2%

8%

Sexual Regrets

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A little over one in five of the respondents (21 percent) reported that ‘‘maintaining a relationship’’ was ‘‘very or extremely difficult.’’ And men found this more difficult than women (24 percent versus 20 percent). Some comments from the various interviews which reflect the difficulty of relationship involvements follow: Communication: I should have been a better communicator. When you’re feeling something, tell the person. He will better understand you. By the same token don’t ever check that other person’s e-mail or snoop around. If you have an insecurity issue, just bring it up . . . don’t go sneaking around.

Follow Your Heart: When you’re hurt and realizing that you coulda-woulda-shoulda done something differently is the perfect time to put your intention out there, to decide what it is you truly want in a partner, friend, lover . . . and to believe that you will have it. If you believe that things happen for a reason, then you must accept that the choices you made (and are now making) were for the best, no matter how much it might hurt. A friend told me while I was going through my divorce that if I just listened to my heart, no matter how much it seemed to hurt others, then I would be doing what was going to make me more fully myself—my higher self, and that, in the long run, everyone else would come out better for it.

Seeing Patterns: Also that every relationship is different and so the next one will not have whatever problem that caused this one to explode (though of course there are patterns and this is certainly something to look at though it’s almost impossible for someone to really see). Never mind get a grip on and stop repeating behavior that leads to unhappiness. For instance I was getting involved with foreign students who were not staying in the U.S. I didn’t have to think whether it was forever because it wasn’t, but I suffered and didn’t see it until my best friend pointed out there was a reason for getting involved with these guys that was deeper than my international studies!

Finding a Partner Is Difficult Finding a partner was identified by over half of the respondents as ‘‘somewhat of an issue.’’ One in five reported that finding a partner was ‘‘very or extremely difficult’’ with no differences between women and men. The desire to avoid being alone seemed to drive people forward to

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the next relationship. Patience may be a virtue. One respondent advised: You’ll probably want to start dating again for fear of being alone. Time by yourself is the only thing that will enable you to be yourself in the next relationship. Wait a minute; date yourself for a little while longer. Treat yourself kindly. Breaking up can take a toll on the body; be good to yourself. Don’t go getting drunk or eating a whole lot because you’ll feel worse in the long run.

Another talked of the difficulty of getting over a breakup: I don’t think I’ll ever ‘‘recover’’ after breaking up with my first husband. You just move on and evolve, and that relationship and that love, that connection—is something you mourn like when a loved one dies. You never ‘‘recover’’ from something like that. I still love my first husband and always will. We’ve been divorced now for almost three years. Recently he came to visit with our son (who lives with him in another state) and he stayed and hung out with us for several days.

Infidelity and Commitment The partner’s infidelity was ‘‘somewhat’’ of a problem for 34 percent of the women versus 26 percent of the men. A similar percentage of women and men (about one in five) reported that their own fidelity was a problem. The partner not wanting to make a commitment to get married was a problem for over a third of the respondents, more men than women (39 percent versus 34 percent). Sometimes it takes courage to let go of what has no future. Ending a Doomed Relationship My partner of five years decided he didn’t want to be exclusive anymore as he felt he was not ready for a commitment but still wanted us to see each other. After a year of it not going anywhere I broke it off. I set my mind to it for weeks and then after a big event we were going to I broke it off. He tried to get me to go back with him and said that he would change, but I already knew he wasn’t going to change and I had readied myself not to be with him anymore—the relationship with him just wasn’t healthy. After I broke it off I felt a huge burden taken off my shoulders. I actually thought it would have killed me to leave him, but that was not

Sexual Regrets

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the case. When a relationship is way too stressful, it means you are working way too hard on it and by yourself. . . . You know because you are exhausted from trying to make it work and make it better. If you are worn out and have a heavy feeling like a stone in your chest on a daily basis from thinking about the relationship being sour, it’s time to let go.

Lack of Interest in Sex Finally, about twice as many men as women (34 percent versus 17 percent) reported frustration that their partner had too little interest in sex. Indeed another question on the Internet survey was ‘‘To what degree would you end a relationship with a partner with whom you were not sexually compatible?’’ Thirty-six percent selected 8 or above on the 10-point scale, with females less likely to end the relationship over sexual incompatibility than males (33 percent versus 40 percent). The average number selected by all the respondents was 6.2. From the various interviews, some comments follow. A Great Lover? If he is a great lover but doesn’t love you, so what? This is probably the biggest lesson women learn from multiple partners. If he’s a mediocre lover and is crazy about you and good to you, his performance is irrelevant—at least to me. It depends on what your needs are.

Compatibility In my experience there are lots of different types of men out there. Not every man is compatible with every woman. You have to keep open to new experiences and try to date less familiar types of men. A man is not going to make you happy if you don’t know how to make yourself happy—in all ways, including sexually.

Sex and Men A man who loves women takes pleasure in making you feel wonderful— and he’s the most wonderful lover. Other men want to please you but don’t know how—or are reluctant to do certain things because a previous girlfriend didn’t like it. Then too, there are men who are not so interested in sex—who are put off by odor or sweat, and want the woman to do all the work (like get him off) and he just leaves her hanging. I’ve liked or loved men who fit each of these categories. When I think about it, sex has been better with some than with others but it’s always been satisfying,

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When I Fall in Love Again regardless, because of the emotions involved and the acceptance of the other person as is.

LYING ABOUT THE NUMBER OF PREVIOUS SEXUAL PARTNERS In response to the Internet questionnaire, ‘‘To what degree have you lied about your number of previous sexual partners to a current romantic partner?’’ Fifteen percent selected an 8 or above on the 10-point scale, with females less likely to lie than males (14 percent versus 18 percent). The average number selected by the respondents was 3, suggesting that most told the truth. Some comments from those who were interviewed about their number of sexual partners were: • ‘‘I have nothing to hide. It is the truth, after all. Sorry if you do not like it, it’s part of who I am.’’ • ‘‘Definitely lie about one-night stands because they make you out to be a ho; otherwise how can you lie? A guy finds out anyway from asking what positions/types of intercourse you like and your comfort level with trying them. That is going to happen relatively quickly.’’ • ‘‘Well, obviously, if there’s some kind of STD involved, it’s imperative. I don’t necessarily think it’s that important to let each other know where you’ve been. . . . I mean, if you’re both adults then you can pretty much assume that you’ve both had experiences, good and bad. Your guy doesn’t need to know too much—it can infect his mind (and yours if you know about him) and make him spin off into jealousy. • ‘‘On the other hand, if you feel moved to disclose, then do it. Be as transparent as you feel the relationship can tolerate—but never lie about it. If you’re building your relationship on lies, then you don’t really value it anyway. In my marriage, sometimes stuff will come up and I’ll start telling him something and I’ll ask, ‘Is this okay that I’m telling you this?’ Sometimes he says it’s too much information, sometimes he really wants to hear. And it’s not always about sex. A lot of really important things happened to me with other men, and they were just part of the story.’’ • ‘‘Men differ in terms of what they want to know. My ex-husband forced me to write down all the names of the guys I had slept with so he could treat them coldly. The man I am with now is private about his sexual past so I am discreet too.’’ • ‘‘I am embarrassed about a guy I’ve been with so I haven’t told him about that guy. He also hasn’t asked me details, but he knows I’ve

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been with more people than he has. He is very open and has told me everything but he doesn’t know details about many guys in my past.’’ As we end this chapter we are struck with the complexity of relationships and the variations in how people view and respond to them. Sexual regret is our focus, and we found that about a third of the respondents reported such regret at having sexual intercourse too soon. But about a half also reported being happy and in love after intercourse. NOTES 1. Catherine H. Mercer, Andrew J. Copas, Pam Sonnenberg, and Anne E. Johnson, ‘‘Who Has Sex with Whom? Characteristics of Heterosexual Partnerships Reported in a National Probability Survey and Implications for STI Risk,’’ International Journal of Epidemiology 38 (2009): 206–17. 2. E. M. Eshbaugh and G. Gute, ‘‘Hookups and Sexual Regret among College Women,’’ Journal of Social Psychology 148 (2008): 77–87. 3. Daniel Wight, Alison Parkes, Vicki Strange, Elizabeth Allen, Chris Bonell, and Marion Henderson, ‘‘The Quality of Young People’s Heterosexual Relationships: A Longitudinal Analysis of Characteristics Shaping Subjective Experience,’’ Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health 40 (2008): 226–38.

2 Sexual Secrets: Sixty Women Talk about Sex and Relationships

‘‘Sex,’’ said Frank Harris, ‘‘is the gateway to life.’’ So I went through the gateway in an upper room in the Cafe Royal. —Enid Bagnold

The first author conducted seventy interviews that included sixty

women and ten men who revealed intimate details about their sex lives, relationships, regret, and recovery. Forty of these interviews were face to face, with ten over the phone. Twenty respondents preferred to share their thoughts and stories over e-mail. The goal of these interviews was to learn how women regarded their first sexual experience, the meaning of sex in their lives, and how they stepped from one relationship raft on life’s rushing current to the next without falling into deep water or onto sharp rocks. What tips might they share to make the transit easier? And not merely a bridge but a ladder to a better situation than before. DEMOGRAPHICS OF WOMEN WHO WERE INTERVIEWED The ages of the female respondents ranged from twenty-five to sixty, with the average age being in the mid-thirties. Three-quarters were college graduates; most had advanced degrees. All the women interviewed had jobs—either outside the home or part-time work like tutoring, restaurant, or consulting. Their marital status was approximately half-and-half. Of those who were not married, two-thirds were divorced; one-third of those interviewed had never married. About a third of the respondents had children. The interviewees were also from multiple geographic regions of the U.S., plus some from Canada, and represented different racial, ethnic, and religious backgrounds.

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While the focus of the book and interviews was sexuality experienced by women, we included men to get a glimpse of what they were thinking. While the 429 completed questionnaires (described in chapter 1) were subjected to statistical analysis, the information garnered from the interviews was impressionistic. Quotes from these interviews are provided in this chapter and throughout the book. An overview finding of the various interviews is that, after a while, the answers became repetitive as though there was a common theme of sexual regret and recovery. In effect, these women had either not experienced sexual regret (about 10 percent) or were ‘‘happy survivors’’: they were not mired in past relationships of regret but brushed their hair and moved on. They had found a new zest for life and recognized the importance of prioritizing and nurturing a relationship. The women we interviewed knew how to ride the relationship bicycle and keep balanced and get where they wanted to be. If they had fallen off or skidded through bad surfaces, or had flown over the handlebars, they knew how to recover. These were resilient women; there were no crybabies. On a scale of one to ten, the great majority answered that they were generally content with their lives, and, concomitantly, in the relationship they had with their man. Nobody was burning a candle for a former lover, nobody had a wretched first experience of intercourse, and, curiously, everybody said that a new partner was different sexually rather than the same. The women we interviewed were also very respectful of their relationships. They spoke of their situation with appreciation, sometimes with reverence, yet taking nothing for granted about being loved and loving. Overall, these women had gone from having a guy’s picture by the bed and waiting for the call, or from a support system of a husband or significant other, to the school of hard knocks. Yet they had persevered and had the lilt and confidence that comes with what are known as survival skills. These women had a predictable date on Saturday night, and a man in their bed who would be there in the morning. They had, to put it bluntly, a sex life that was wrapped in an emotional relationship context. They could be open and vulnerable with their partners. One woman said, ‘‘We are so close we can talk about how wrong we are for each other but still love each other.’’ Another said, ‘‘He was my last best chance; I love him no less for being a compromise.’’ These women were not all in a state of bliss, but they were very oriented to value the relationship.

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MEANING OF FIRST SEX To be clear, when these women used the term sex they were referring to sexual intercourse (never mind that 60 to 70 percent of young women today who give their partner oral sex say that they have had ‘‘sex’’!). While the venues were different, all of the first intercourse experiences of these women were initiated by consent, at the age of mid-teens to twenty and, with one exception, were not at present with the man who was their first partner. Their stories provided insight into the meaning and nature of first sex in our society for the woman. We believe if we had interviewed ten thousand women instead of sixty we would have heard the same thing: their first sex was a rite of passage and of developmental value but not of love or relationship significance. Typical comments were: ‘‘It was time to get it over with,’’ ‘‘I was curious,’’ ‘‘I didn’t want to make a big deal of it,’’ ‘‘My friends dared me,’’ and ‘‘I was abroad, it was a summer love and the last day before we’d never see each other again.’’ The women looked back at having chosen (and some scheduled) the event themselves; the man with whom they completed the act was often secondary. An example of first intercourse as a rite of passage follows: You feel as though you get a badge from your friends the first time you have intercourse. With it comes the authority to discus sex like an adult. A girlfriend I hung out with and got piercings with, we both lost our virginity on the same weekend and for the same reason—to impress. It was all very outer-directed, the opposite of intimate relations that would develop later.

Most women took away from the experience that they were sexual beings, more than they had realized, and this was great news. From the first and early encounters they also figured out that they were in command of their own ship and this self-responsibility was empowering. Some reactions: I guess I didn’t realize that someone could be so aroused by me. Women should feel empowered. This may sound crazy, but the more you have sex the more you want it. If you don’t have sex for a while it is harder to get back into it.

First sex was also a benchmark of unforgettable proportions. Yet, no one spoke of the man putting flower petals on her reclining body, or of shedding tears of joy, or of making eternal promises. They recalled illicitness (in terms of one’s parents if not general morality), embarrassment

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(over using the condom or having his banished roommate returning to the suite and having to wait outside the door until the act was done), and sadness (‘‘Was this all there was to it?’’). Said Courtney, ‘‘It was as exciting as having my ears pierced.’’ When women talk about sex in general, they don’t talk the way men think they do—about penis size, who was a good lay, and how many times they climaxed—not unless they are in a joking mood. When women talk about sex they are talking about feelings. Love and suffering, confusion, and hope are on the table, and so are the minute dissections of the men’s supposed feelings for them. But when women talked about first sex, the men were typically incidental. They recalled using condoms, or taking the pill, or the man’s withdrawal but the first time . . . the first time, as it were, had lost its punch. Unless rape was involved it would be unusual for a woman to consider first sex traumatic, and unless she was a nonstop reader of bodice-ripping romances it would be unusual too for her to say, ‘‘He had his way with me.’’ Today a woman is a partner in deciding the time and place of her first sexual experience. The interviews revealed that these women took first sex in stride. The memories of the first time, whether joyful or dismal, were seen as a needed initiation into modern womanhood. Instead of saying, ‘‘Had I known then what I know now,’’ women saw their sex lives as a learning curve that allowed for connecting, disconnecting, and reconnecting until they reached the desired state of a harmonious couple. The bottom line for these women is that they wanted to light the match and try out sex and experience their power to attract. They weren’t focused on making the guy their boyfriend forever. Some felt overdependence was bad: Some of my friends need to be in a relationship because only then do they feel whole. They want someone to go with them to the supermarket and to sit in the same room with them when they read the newspaper. They will likely look for someone very quickly. There’s nothing wrong with being spurred by this partner need, except the person can become impatient and settle.

Some see ‘‘friends with benefits’’ (sexual involvement with a nonromantic friend) as an option: You have a sex with a friend with no strings attached and remain friends. This can be done. You won’t feel bad about yourself at all. I’ve done it and it works. This approach though might not work for all women. You have to have the right attitude or your problems will compound.

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Timing was deliberate. Women have their brakes on and are not rushing to the altar after going to bed x number of times with their boyfriends. Permanence can sound magical or like concrete depending on the stage of the women. In the age group from twenty-five to thirty-five, sex is viewed in the context of one’s career, education, and the fulfillment of other dreams like moving to a new part of the country or international travel. The over-thirty-fives wanted sex with a compatible man while the under-thirty-fives ticked off certain things regarding personal readiness they wanted in their life before they took sex seriously. That included first sex (intercourse) that is rather playful and not oriented to being a couple, some subsequent relationship that has a sexual component and a friendship type of interaction, and some time for reflection on the marriage and dating scene. These stations of maturation, which begin with losing virginity, are socially accepted and almost inevitable (as opposed to getting it right the first time). The period after sexual initiation also has another meaning: it frees women from the focus on mating. Even if women continue to have sex they have multifaceted lives. Even though they may have some breakups they bounce back, largely because they are more than this one situation, more than the sexual partner to a man. The interviews synchronized on the point that before the bases are loaded for finding a lasting love, women have some period of reflection and experimentation of what is in the field. Yes, these women knew about the double standard, but they did not buy into it. (More about the double standard in chapter 4.) THOUGHTS ON SEXUAL REGRET Regret came in later encounters—thoughts that she ought to have been brighter in her choice, or less hormone-driven, or more alert to seeing the writing on the wall. Women who stayed with a man when the love had thinned spoke of very great regret, and they consistently emphasized that they overstayed the relationship that was dying. What is etched a hundred times more deeply was regret over sex with a man who didn’t want to settle down when they did. There seemed to be a moment with the women where sex was no longer an aspect of individuation but was about merging. While most women did not feel regret their first and early times of having intercourse, the exception was when there was considerable intoxication. This was a frequent admission of younger women. Being

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drunk during intercourse happened once or sometimes more; the women showed resolve not to repeat having boozy sex. SEX FOR WOMEN IS EMOTIONAL AND CONTEXTUAL Whether by nature or nurture, the consensus from these women is that it is searing to disengage from a sexual partner of any duration. There was a porn star who said that she was in love with all her costars—for the fifteen minutes that they were going at it. Women often made the distinction between having sex and being in love, but we spoke with very few women who could get up, shake hands, and walk out after a tryst. It does seem that, call it sex or call it love, when there is intercourse the heartstrings and high emotions become engaged. So while a woman’s first sex is a rite of passage, it is also about learning that sex ignites passion. We want it to. We want when we have a partner for the sex to be the foundation that makes us burn with love— not just that we are cooperative as a couple! Yet because sex flares like a flame, we cannot control it neatly. You can have lousy lovers, be cheated on by worthless jerks, and fall deeply in love with a man who thought what you had together was a fling—even as you were wondering if the kids would have his eye color. On a certain level the only safe sex is where you don’t give your heart and commitment. This usually characterizes the experimental early relationships. Like hearing the first bars of a musical score, a woman wants more, and when desire peaks will have intercourse with her boyfriend—it’s a given. This lovemaking is no indication of what kinds of relationships they will have in the future. Women are sometimes frustrated that the man will not be more involved. One woman noted: Men have told me they wanted to play the field and still I was disappointed when they would not commit to an exclusive relationship. Men have told me they are not willing to change and still I have gotten upset when they would not compromise. Men have telephoned me daily but resisted making plans to get together in person and still I believed that they were interested in a relationship. All of these men just weren’t that ‘‘into’’ me and somehow I ignored the message.

We now look at examples of four women that represent some of the different ages and relationship stages of those who were interviewed. The accounts are in their words, but edited down. Identifying data have been altered to ensure the anonymity of the respondents.

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Melanie Melanie is twenty-four, working at two part-time jobs as a cafe barista at Borders and as an assistant to an attorney, and in her second year of community college. She talked about a number of relationship and sexual issues: I’ve lived with my boyfriend for three years. It’s my second relationship. The first relationship lasted six months and took me six months to get over. The sex wasn’t the problem; he just didn’t have any interest in anything but TV, like government, religion, and art, and I do. Then, when he cheated it was like my exit cue.

Between Relationships A confusing time for me was when the one was ending and the new one was beginning. There was time between, but for me emotionally they overlapped: I had mixed feelings both for my ex and for the new guy I was seeing. My current boyfriend and I waited about a week to have sex. It didn’t cause any problems afterwards; I couldn’t have asked for it any other way.

Timing of Sex I have some regret sleeping with my first real boyfriend too soon because he didn’t respect me for it. An ongoing problem in that relationship was that he thought I was too ‘‘easy.’’ It’s true that men are thought well of for sex with a lot of women while women are thought of more negatively. Even with the nicest of guys. It makes me very fired up. I don’t even know what to really say about it. You’d think it would have evened out for my generation but it hasn’t.

Comparing Partners I haven’t thought of my past partner when with my present; at first it’s very exciting and by the time the sex becomes routine the memory of the other one has faded. But I do compare the foreplay and rhythm, and smell, but on a primal level, not thinking of the other boyfriend per se. I like talking during sex and my current boyfriend is not a big talker so I am aware of that without faulting him for it.

Talking about What You Want I’d tell another girl that it’s good to be willing to experiment in bed (you may end up really liking it too!). You can tell a man you want something

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When I Fall in Love Again different about the sex, as long as you are not bitchy about your criticism. Make it constructive criticism and work with him to improve. Ask him how you can improve too.

Talking about the Past With your current partner it’s not a very smart idea to bring up your sexual past. It might cause some jealousy, and once you tell him that the other guy and you made love in the shower, then what? Your current partner will never forget it . . . and taking a shower with you—forget it.

Endings as a Common Experience I think you need to have different experiences and variety before you settle down. I have told anyone who had a breakup that breakups happen to nearly everyone. There are people feeling the same exact way as she or he is.

Joan Joan is a vivacious pharmacist, forty-six, a divorced single mother of two young teenagers. She is also super-fit and a gym rat, outgoing and gregarious. I have to answer about my level of relationship happiness that on a scale of one to ten I am at an eight, not because the relationship I am in is good, but because I don’t care or want one now. I have had three serious relationships, and sex is typically a huge part of them. After a breakup I experience the bridge from one man to another as difficult, usually motivated by vengeance, a need to feel like I am worth it, and I am driven by sexual needs.

Sex as Bonding One of the most important bonding experiences I have with a man is sex. It is a privilege and an escape. The sooner I know of the compatibility, the better, though I am sure that one could argue that early consummation is really a quick fix and prevents me from seeing clearly if it is being with this person, or he could be someone else; and it’s his ability to free me sexually that is the motivation to continue. This might also be the reason for the failures, which have been many. However, I have fond memories about the sex!

Sex as Choice I was a heavy drinker in my late teens/early twenties, only to get completely sober twenty years ago. Back then, I was a blackout drinker and

Sexual Secrets was promiscuous due to my inability to know what was even going on, and the unkind men who took advantage of that. I think that if anything, it made me more comfortable with my sexuality, and my right to chose to sleep with men. Now that I really do make the choice, I chose to use sex as my playground/quick fix/release, and [do] not feel loose. I’m definitely not a slut. I have chosen to sleep with many men. And when they were not pleasing, I left them.

Emotionality of Sex I am attracted to more than a body, for sure, so I need to at least know him well enough to like him enough to desire him. It is not all physical. It is a lot emotional. I think I am more in touch with my sexual needs, and my right to have them met, than most women. But I need an emotional context.

Comparisons I make comparisons between men often about their sexual performance. How fit? Eh, I don’t really care that much, if I really care about him—as I did about my last short, fat, bald husband! And beauty is as beauty does. I see what I feel. . . . If he has good hands, great. Smell is very important. . . . I don’t really care how long the act takes, unless he finishes, and forgets I am not done; then it’s a problem. . . . I love talk, not really dirty stuff, just appreciation talk.

The Career-Plus-Kids Problem My first marriage broke up because he decided to do a second medical residency and I couldn’t face being taken for granted. The recent breakup happened because between us we had too many kids! I had to raise his four as well as my two, with too much work, not enough authority, and way too little attention from the man whose kids I was rearing! Not a good deal! But great sex! Maybe the sex is why I stayed as long as I did.

Assertiveness in Bed I think an established sex partner is much more exciting than a new one. I have always been told that I was an incredible lover. Old lovers have repeatedly expressed a desire to get back together for a night, or that they still think about me. It has felt good. I don’t think I do anything that special, only that I am very comfortable with my body, listen and pay attention so I know what makes them feel good, and have a healthy appetite.

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When I Fall in Love Again I also exercise vigorously daily so I am fit and strong. I guess I look good too, as a consequence. I would tell other women that you have as much of a right to satisfaction the way you want it as he does. Do not be afraid to talk about what you need sexually, and if he makes you feel like you shouldn’t be talking, move on and find a new lover. Also, know what your expectations are. Are you looking for love from this? Do you expect fidelity? As long as you are both in the same place, it can be a mutually satisfying experience. And of course, if it is about love, then love him and get the love that he is offering. . . . Be comfortable with your body: you will automatically be a better lover.

Moving Forward I would tell a friend who had a difficult breakup that there are plenty of fish in the ocean. He obviously was not the right one. How do I know? Because, I tell her, he is gone!

Carol Carol is a former nurse who became a very successful software consultant who travels the world; lately she has become an interior designer of major facilities. Originally from Nova Scotia, Carol lives in Seattle. I’m divorced. I thought I’d be bored, but every day is different. When you are older you gain wisdom or patience and know that wherever you go in life and whomever you love and are with is the same on one level. And everyone needs connectedness with others, and most of us need a partner too.

Men I had not been keen to get married. There were four years between relationships: both men were younger (by five and seven years), and both cheated. Bill talked me into marriage. I thought, why would a woman want to get married, attach to a man, or change her name to her husband’s name? But I was going to Europe for six weeks and we decided to make it a honeymoon. We had a great time. I couldn’t live with his screwing around but the separation was amicable.

Breakups Breakups can have very different outcomes. My first (after seven years) was the worst: the drop in mood, the despondency, the sadness. The second breakup (after a three-year marriage) was much easier. The ability to

Sexual Secrets pick up and move on comes from wisdom, age, and understanding life as a continuity. When the second relationship was done, ‘‘Yeah, well, that’s done,’’ I thought. ‘‘That’s good that it’s done.’’ Yet we had been good together for a while and it wasn’t as if I had cared less for my husband than the first [man]. Breaking up is probably more painful for someone who sees life as my family does, as staking out your path and sticking to it no matter what. I always felt that my life is in transition and look for opportunities as I do in business for what is next. I always have a bit of that going on, and it’s an exaggerated awareness of change that most people have to some degree. I’m always in search for what I should or want to do, so there isn’t a place in my heart for the deep kind of regret I see some women experience.

Recovery After the divorce, I didn’t go out with a man for a while. I felt somewhat lonely but I would read personals for entertainment and think that I didn’t need more complications. Then four years later I met the man I’ve been involved with for many years (Hank also is ten years younger) on the ferry. He offered me his newspaper when he finished it. He talked about having coffee sometime. I was leaving to work in Europe for two months but he remembered and called me.

Romance I think I may miss the deepest romantic feelings, but I’m glad. I am not twisted up about the man I’m with and wasn’t about the other two. It’s like how I ski. I like the physical challenge. I try what scares me and go fast and furious. In my relationship I needed someone to trust and who didn’t feel intimidated. The other relationships I recognize as the bunny slopes!

Affair I’ve been attracted to people—a colleague I really liked from another country—but I’m not into that: an affair is more trouble than it’s worth, even before how inconsiderate it is to your partner! Some men don’t know how to be friends if it’s not sexual, and I look for men who can be friends and can be working friends.

Respect I know the hurdle for a man who cares for me relates to my being very strong. Men are attracted to my self-determination, independence, and accomplishments. A man involved with me also may feel intimidated

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When I Fall in Love Again sometimes, and I think that’s because they don’t get to have their own way: they are socialized to be the boss, where I’m the oldest of seven and used to being the boss. I’m inclined to ‘‘my way or the highway.’’ I tell Hank, ‘‘You’re the last one out of bed. Make it or don’t get back in it.’’ Or I see dishes in the sink and say, ‘‘That’s divorce territory even if we aren’t married.’’ I have my principles and don’t be disrespectful if you’re living with me. Get over it. If I feel things are unfair and I feel overburdened, what am I getting and how much fun will I be?

Terry Terry was a twenty-one-year-old business major at Trenton State College in New Jersey at the time of the interview. She is an in-charge young woman. I have been in my current relationship for almost two years, which is the longest relationship I’ve been in. However, I have been involved with other men since I was sixteen, but none of these were serious.

Quandary It’s hard to be in my situation because I have found an amazing guy that treats me so beautifully, but he tends to be a little lazy. I plan on working hard and making a lot of money; he has no job now and plans on working with plants. But I love him very much, and even though I may date different people, I will probably go back to Daniel because I feel that we are meant for each other (and he feels the same).

Independence I honestly think that I was able to get over my previous boyfriends because I realized how nice it was to be by myself. I liked the feeling of doing what I wanted, when I wanted, and I really enjoyed not telling someone where I was and what I was doing. Boys tend to get too close to me and I don’t really like it; I really like my freedom. Some of my friends have just gotten out of a relationship and find it so hard, and I try to tell them that it’s a really good thing to live your life for yourself because always having someone in your life can prevent you from growing.

Sex Sex is definitely something that is very exciting in the beginning. I enjoy sex, but it’s not always something I want to engage in. With Daniel I have

Sexual Secrets found excuses to not have sex because if I felt fat or unattractive that day, the last thing I would want to do is have sex. I am extremely selfconscious and Daniel doesn’t understand that, which causes arguments. He is much more sexually driven than I am, but I have learned to accept our differences. However, we still have sex numerous times a week, which proves to be a good sign in my eyes.

Being Alone I am an Aries, and one of the characteristics of an Aries is that they are very independent. I love being alone because I work so hard, and want so badly to succeed in school, and I feel as though I have no time for my boyfriend. However, I will slack off with my schoolwork so I have time with Daniel.

Regret I have had sex with someone too early and I felt like a total slut, but I ended up being with that person for a long time. I really think that people should wait to have sex until they get to know someone. As an adult I don’t think I would give myself to someone without knowing him, just because I respect myself. I don’t think there is a certain time that is right for people to have intercourse. Personally I would wait as long as I could, probably a month if there is an ideal time. There is one person that I regret sleeping with (I was drunk), but I try not to think about it because it is embarrassing. However, I try not to regret anything in my life, because everything is a learning experience and I have definitely learned my lesson.

Getting Over a Breakup My past relationships have taken me about a week to get over. That’s short, isn’t it? . . . I thought I was heartless but I realized that it is because I have such low self-esteem, I dated men I wasn’t really attracted to. It was easy to get over them because I wasn’t in love with them. I can’t imagine breaking up with my current boyfriend, I will always be in love with him, and I could say he is the one and he feels the same. Getting over him would probably be impossible, but I haven’t had to deal with that so I wouldn’t know!

Thoughts during Sex I have thought about my current boyfriend when I had sex with other people. However, I haven’t thought about other people with my current

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When I Fall in Love Again boyfriend. In my last relationship I thought about other people like five times, and I was with him for a year. It’s something I’m not proud of, but it happened.

My Kind of Man The ways I do compare Daniel is I notice how long he lasts, and the size of his penis. I have been with all types of guys and I definitely think that size matters. I like a man that is fit and can pick me up. I am really short and I am most attracted to taller guys that can take control of me. I also like my boyfriend’s characteristics because he has blonde hair and blue eyes, and is very handsome. He is romantic, and I value that in a guy, and I haven’t been with a man that was the strong silent type, but he is just so amazing. He loves to give me massages, which is so nice, and he touches me all the time, for example is will put his hand on my leg or around me, he will touch my hair or hold my hand. I love that he is affectionate because some men really aren’t touchy in public. He knows just what I like and remembers what I don’t like, and I don’t remember any other guy that was mature enough to do that. Most of the men I have been with were very immature, which makes me even more grateful for my boyfriend.

Advice to Women Thinking about sex I would tell a woman who was just becoming sexually active not to be self-conscious, because men are in a daze when they are having sex, and aren’t bothered by things you would think they would be bothered by. And be yourself, and don’t hold back because you will go insane! I’ve been with boring men that really didn’t know what they were doing; my boyfriend now has some to learn but is the best man I’ve been with. I don’t think that sex is the same with each man, because when you’re in love, lovemaking is beautiful.

The Ex I entered my relationship with my current boyfriend, and he wasn’t totally over his ex-girlfriend, and that really caused issues between us. It’s good to be clear on an ex’s position in one’s life, just because it can hurt your significant other in the long run.

The Past It’s good to be open about your sexual past, but I believe you should be selective. I am embarrassed about a guy I’ve been with, so I haven’t told

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him about that guy. He also hasn’t asked me details, but he knows I’ve been with more people than he has. He is very open and has told me everything but he doesn’t know details about my many guys.

All the women interviewed had learned about what it takes to have a lasting relationship, and how to flourish as a person and not give up their individuality to do it. Instead of having sex from curiosity, for validation of their attractiveness, or with delusions about the other person, they are in a sexual relationship that brings pleasure, support, and mutual trust. This maturity for most of us seems to come from having a series of relationships and we learn a little from each one.

3 Recovering One’s Balance: Moving On

The art of love is largely the art of persistence.

—Albert Ellis

Samantha, the smoldering aggressive blonde from the Sex and the City

hit TV series and movies, emptied the third drawer of her big chest of drawers, Joss’s, where he had put his stuff for the nights he stayed over. She put away his photos. That was the day after he told her he loved her but needed to be free. To move on, she painted her bathroom white (despite the fact the apartment building would probably charge her when she moved out for making a change in the yellowing white), took a yard-high bubble bath, and admired her work. ‘‘Progress,’’ she thought, ‘‘I’m literally getting Joss out of my hair.’’ But the next day, scouring for signs of him, she found in the front closet the leather jacket he had been missing, scrunched into the dark corner. Should she call and tell him? Take it over? If she told him to pick it up, would he think she was trying to hang onto him, or pull him into bed? Or should she donate it to Salvation Army? Martha, twenty-seven, who moved to Baltimore from eastern Maryland after college, tells a similar story: I was a goner from when I met him. We met at the hospital. I’m a nurse and he was studying to be a PA. Aaron is tall dark and handsome, and gregarious. Everyone liked him and I was flattered he was interested in me. He didn’t fool me about it being a short-term affair; in fact after he finished his studies he left to work in the Marshall Islands; he loves adventure. I thought it would be easy to move on, but I felt him with every breath for a long, long time. Whatever I did to forget him was like rearranging furniture, and thoughts of him would turn up in another place. I was so preoccupied with him.

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Getting over a relationship that has ended tends to be stupefying and slow. In a study of forty-seven females (average age thirty-five) who had been separated for seven months, almost three-quarters (72.2 percent) reported that they were ‘‘still healing’’ (45.5 percent), felt ‘‘terrible’’ (25 percent), or were ‘‘suicidal’’ (2.2 percent).1 Some research suggests that getting over a previous partner is related to why one left. In those cases where the previous relationship was abusive, leaving was associated with one’s improved psychological and physical health (with women benefiting more from the latter).2 Releasing a past love is also crucial for recovering one’s balance. Exlovers and ex-spouses who are still angry twenty years later are still attached (the technical term is negative attachment). A therapist helps if you can afford it. Long talks with your friends can also help as long as they can stand it. (An honest one will usually say she has heard enough: ‘‘Get over it.’’) But these three tricks may also be helpful, the objective being not to annihilate his memory or the part of your life that you shared with him, but to move on: 1. Reaching out in kindness to others who are suffering emotional duress due to loss or abandonment. This can take many forms; you’ll know which of them is right when it brings you into the sunshine, even if only for a few hours of what you need to bloom. Some of the varied good works that specifically speak to romantic hurt include giving time and love to an older recent widow or widower, taking your teenage daughter and her girlfriends out for a festive evening, being a good listener to the friend who recently was ditched by his girl/boyfriend or wife/husband, and asking someone at your local social services department for information about new immigrants and tutoring them in English. What you are doing is putting a new CD in your head. Rather than play the ‘‘he was the love of my life’’ theme, you are completely changing your focus, switching gears, and immersing yourself in another context with real people and real feelings. You aren’t dead after all. 2. Time. Within a year everybody feels a lot better and detached from the whole misfire. At eighteen months you’ll feel the elephant off you. 3. Dating galore. Not a dating binge but a concerted effort to see other men for an entire season. Even if you don’t feel like it, put yourself back in the mainstream of life. WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT? Today, most women have multiple sex partners in their lifetime. However, these are consecutive. The norm and what seems to make sense

Recovering One’s Balance

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for most women (if you try the other way you are in for a shock) is to have an emotional attachment as well as physical, and to have the physical as if it will be in a permanent relationship. Love is wonderful and the possibility of experiencing true love seems to be worth the investment of oneself. But you have doubts. Will you ever feel the euphoria and the absolute joy again? Who besides your dog or cat, or your mother, is going to adore you now? To experience true love again you have to nod at what was past, without staring backwards, and believe in the possibility of another love. It will never be the way it was at its best; don’t fret about it! Take the hit. That feeling of being blinded by desire goes down with greater experience and wisdom. Relationships are not all the same: this is the amazing discovery. We can love and be loved by someone different from the one before. What excites us and how we experience the love act is individual and circumstantial. The first relationship tends to be about rebellion from parents and establishing our adult identify. It is a rite of passage. You feel grown up. You may have felt, ‘‘I never want to be touched by another man, and will never have sexual relations with another man or it will betray that first love.’’ This feeling is normal. You are on the path to monogamy.

EQUILIBRIUM When I (Jane—first author) worked at a research institute in Paris in my late twenties, my secretary (Simone) was a lifesaving friend. She helped me by writing form letters I could use, since my French wasn’t fluent, only good, and it was all too easy to make a faux-pas in a business letter. I had a habit that seems improbable now, but was in force then, where I went out every single night except Sunday: to the ballet, opera, on a little road trip to the countryside with someone from work, or if nothing else came up, to the film showings at an art house. Lunches were two hours and we were well situated near the Etoile to take advantage of museums and the fashion shows of Dior, Balenciaga, and Balmain, which usually had a few free tickets at the door. Simone took me out and expanded my world. One of Simone’s most frequent ways of looking at life, loves, and family concerns was in terms of equilibrium. She would praise someone as being ‘‘tres equilibre.’’ Or she would say, ‘‘Je me sens desequilibree,’’ literally, ‘‘I feel unequilibrated.’’ And if not feeling equilibrated persisted, she would drink a couple of the minibottles of the pretty liqueurs she had collected from plane trips with her boyfriend.

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The French put as much faith in balance as the Germans do in order. Excuse the generalization, but I recall the relief with which the German mother in the family where I au paired said, ‘‘Alles ist in Ordnung!’’ (Everything is in order). And while I do like to put the surface of my home in order each morning, for love I think the French have it right: strive for equilibrium in your romantic liaison. You are going to be patient about establishing a new, caring relationship. You are going to really check him out. (A male friend of mine says he’d want any woman he hooks up with next to be vetted by a psychotherapist, and although it’s just wishful thinking, we know what he means.) But meanwhile, you need equilibrium: achieving a low-key, harmonious day. We women have more sensitive biological clocks than men do. When the relationship we counted on for emotional support and the man to whom we expressed love are memories, we are in a state of unease and confusion. We think (obsess) and we block, say the psychologists, the feelings of loss, anger, and sadness with worry. Caution! In the state of slightly numbed disappointment you can become disordered in ways you forgot even existed. They relate to eating, sleeping, and the menstrual period. The most consistent fact of interviewing when I asked women about the breakup was that other aspects of their lives went awry, making it hard to steer ahead in the normal course of life. Some even said they got in car wrecks because they were so preoccupied. The following maladies are common when your lover has gone: • sleeplessness, either erratic sleep or insomnia • loss of energy • loss of resilience to what would have been mere snags in other circumstances, e.g., ‘‘The heel broke on my shoe while climbing the stairs from the garage to my office building and I thought I would die’’ • binge eating • loss of appetite, or peculiar digestion (‘‘There was a switch in me and whatever I ate seemed to run through me’’ is actually a medical psychosoma) • skipping periods (wreaks havoc on mood) or having a flow several times in one month (enervating) The plain truth is that few men are going to hold your hand through these post-breakup blues, real and awful as they may be, and still be potential lovers. Nurturing and consoling are not salient guy traits, and, added to that, men are very turned off by hearing or thinking about our


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previous men. As a consequence, you are going to have to figure out the essential things that give you equilibrium on your own. In my case, I found that when I was newly single I had to get takeout for dinner every night because I felt too sad when I cooked. I brought home Chinese food a lot at lunch when the price was lower, and heated it up for dinner; or went out with a friend for pizza, or ate at the beach with my kids. Do my diversions from cooking during that period of life sound lacking in courage? If you are trying to keep your spirits up while you create a bridge to a new love, you are in a special, demanding state. Listen to your own needs and go easy on yourself. One day I had a bet with a male friend and he won and I had to cook him a nice dinner. I took a deep breath and made an attractive meal. I realized I had become tired of all that takeout and began to cook for myself; but for several months the ‘‘let someone else cook for me’’ choice was a balm. So were all the manicures and pedicures. When my grown son had remarked, ‘‘Now that you’re divorced I suppose that’s the end of your going to the nail salon,’’ I answered, ‘‘Not at all!’’ I also had a monthly facial—right up there with the wealthy. While in that netherworld of transit in emotional terms, being pampered was well worth the bite out of my income. I took on two part-time jobs and worked a ten-hour day for two years, and had my luxuries. Now that my love life is rosy and secure, beautification rituals have lost their appeal. Do what you must to get yourself through the love-lost stage and get back on track. NEW HABITS There is the wisdom of experience and then there are the mere old habits. The habits of being alone serve a healthy person well if she is alone. It’s you, your frozen dinner, and Netflix. But project ahead. Do you want this to be your future too? Or are you just cultivating habits that are useful now? Open the door a crack and make a fool of yourself on the salsa dance floor or take the acting lessons at the community center. Go to a cooking class and take that hiking trip. These are steps you do not take narrowly, to meet someone (as people are prone to say), hoping that specific skills like speaking Italian or baking a croissant will reel in a wonderful mate. You take them to be a more desirable person to the kind of man you want, because you are vital and optimistic and want a man with similar vitality and love of life. (Even if he has great qualities, if he has no spirit or fire himself, he is not for you.) What being over the hill means is not trying anything new and being bored with one’s existence.

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MEETING OF MINDS Where my love life is concerned I have enough material for a thousand hours of stand-up. But I wanted the information and points of view in this book to be like a tree, stretching upwards and outward so that the leaves could be in the sunlight. This meant interviewing. I began by interviewing my best friends, and a few friends of my daughters (not my daughters themselves, as it wasn’t appropriate since they could not be anonymous to me). Right away I saw how different our lives were and how different our view of the ideal relationship we sought (and perhaps were already living). For instance, my friend Rochelle (names have been changed), an art historian in San Francisco, goes out most nights, while her husband, who owns a bookshop, stays in. They plan and meet up for far-flung vacations to many countries. This couple is so intense in their jobs at the museum and book business that they have scant time in the course of a regular week for togetherness, but they have a heavenly time when they go away. To be more intimate when you are not home is unusual, but they like their relationship style just as it is. My eldest likes to entertain with her man. For them, cooking together numerous days and having friends over is a peak experience, as is discussing the matters of law and Congress which are their bailiwicks. Darcy, a woman I know from when I worked at the YMCA, is only twenty-six but she loves having a ten-year plan of when to have children and when to buy a house with her fiance. We wanted different outcomes, different types of men, and had different ways of getting there. I decided to talk with sixty women, with a basic set of questions, and let them take off with what was theirs. And they did. In pursuit of hearing how other women looked at and coped with sexual regret and the transition from one serious relationship to the next, I experienced the range: from women who were happy and had crossed the bridge to women who were in the throes and felt they were on a rope bridge crossing a canyon. My sample was snowballing. I kept rolling and contacted women from my years writing for magazines and in public relations, and often they would say, ‘‘Oh, I know someone you will want to interview.’’ It became like that party then-mayor Rudy Giuliani’s thenwife Donna Hanover gave where she invited all the interesting women—no men—and shocked many people with such an assemblage of guests. Women I’d love at such a gathering were the women I contacted. I didn’t push them into revealing what they knew and I didn’t. I asked open-ended (‘‘What was it like?’’) rather than closed-ended


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(‘‘Did you feel angry?’’) questions and they answered or had nothing particular to say, and we skipped on to the next topic. I asked young women, old women, and single women the same sheaf of questions, but let them answer what they wished. The women were not interrogated but invited to tell their stories and offer advice. The revelations from these interviews are placed carefully throughout this book to make or clarify a specific point. What I initially envisioned would give me a big stack of interviews that all matched became a potpourri of intelligent, sincere insights from a group of relationshipexperienced women.

READINESS Drew was pretty, the daughter of a well-to-do family, and educated at Princeton. She participated in campus activities and went on to be a photographer of stage productions. The glamorous career and having men at her feet retarded (her word when we interviewed) her settling down: They were all unsuitable one way or another. At thirty-eight I figured I was in a stable relationship with a man (an actor) who already had children. I said I wanted a baby. He got me pregnant (I was forty-two). I was beginning to have a bump and he left me and never came back. I was really in a nesting phase—utterly new for me. I knew I wanted my baby to have a father, I felt it was right. I could see the life we’d lead. My work could be done mostly from home and I had a good savings. I was everything a man could desire my friends said except in my mid-forties I was too old to be having a child and starting a family. I had graduated from a large university and so I put an ad in the alumni magazine, a personal, and included I was pregnant.

Drew’s personal ad stood out and a half-dozen of her fellow alumni answered. A few men were curious and didn’t follow up and meet her. One met her and turned out to have a yen for pregnant women. There was also a Sir Galahad. Murphy had been a stepfather to two children who were teenagers when he married their mother. The idea of raising a child from babyhood inspired him and he fell hard for Drew. He didn’t press his affection but was determined to give her time. Sometimes he took her out with the baby to dinner. He also hung out at her place with more quiet times than talking a lot. As they were both creative people this was satisfying to each of them. But true love rarely runs a straight course. Drew and Murphy went out a lot. She had moved to Duchess County, New York, and he made

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the trek to see her whenever she wished. Indeed he was smitten and threw down his cape before her. All went well until they kissed and she went rigid. She said, ‘‘I was eager for a father for my son, and Murphy fit the bill but suddenly I didn’t fancy him at all.’’ She told him so and they cut it off. It was June and the baby was by then several months old. She didn’t think much about Murphy until he sent her a Mother’s Day card the next year. She put the card on a shelf and thought he was a great guy, why hadn’t he found someone else. Then the baby turned one, and two . . . I was sure Murphy would have found someone by now. In fact I told myself that it was now fair to be in touch as a friend because enough time had passed, and we only had the one kiss. But when I saw him I was ready. I actually proposed to him while he was painting a door on my studio. He was the man I imagined to a tee, yet it took time for me to become the woman to enjoy this man.

Being ready isn’t a thing you can predict. A prime example is Gail, who was a runner-up for Miss Maryland, and when she became a florist in Washington, DC, was as perfect as her floral arrangements. She was swatting off men while having a wonderful time enjoying the cultural and artistic life of the capital. When friends asked why the men she dated never led to a keeper, she said that if she found a man who liked furniture with no curves, a blue-and-silver bedroom color scheme, and who wanted to try all the sushi restaurants in DC, that man would be her prince. The floral business was often stressful and by thirty she was thinking she’d like someone besides her dachshund to share a life with when she came home at night. I was perplexed. I had a rigid idea we’d have to share all these preferences. Then I got a terrible case of poison ivy from touring a garden of a friend. It was in my eyes and on my tongue. I got a steroid medicine and was allergic because I went right into a glass door in a boutique in a shopping mall, and got a black eye. My doctor was on vacation, it was the Fourth of July, so I went to a roadside medical facility. The young doctor talked to me about orchids as he treated my eye. He had holistic training and was more of a healer than any doctor I’d ever encountered.

They dated and married. For Gail their meeting when she was an ugly mess was like a parable that made her cast out perfection as an ideal, and replace it with love where she found it.


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ACTIVELY IMAGINING If you believe you will meet a person to fulfill your dreams, you can. When you dream of the kind of companionship you want, you prepare for it. You refine the picture. Rebecca, an office manager in Roanoke, Virginia, had a rocky time in her marriage. Her husband was alcoholic; in the same accident in which he was killed she suffered double fractures in her legs. Ten years later, at forty, she had a pleasant life focused on her church activities and an outdoor club. She had a group of friends who were close and supportive that she had never had when she was married. When her friends tried to fix her up she said that someday she would quit her job and go to Florida and fall in love with a fat fisherman who lived in a trailer. Four of the members of the outdoor club arranged to go to an island in Maine and rented a quite sumptuous log cabin. However, there was a huge storm and the power was out for days, so the owner, a commercial fisherman, came around to get the generator going. Kurt is a big, lumbering man with quick movements who looks out of a past century. ‘‘I was picturing him not fat but solid, and in a lumberjack’s shirt,’’ said Rebecca. ‘‘A rectangular, solid type of body. And Kurt had the soft eyes and big hands I imagined, too.’’ Rebecca looked at the wooden snowshoes on the wall when she met him. They were beautiful. ‘‘Those are the old-fashioned kind,’’ she said. ‘‘Yes,’’ said Kurt, ‘‘I made them,’’ and she flipped. CONSENT When you actively imagine a committed relationship you are consenting to what you are going to face. You know his politics are not the same. You know he likes his pasta al dente. You know his favorite topic is football. You will love his nature, the physical attributes including his laugh, his voice, and his stride. You imagine how you will feel when he crosses swords with you about an issue, out in the world or on domestic turf, and how you’ll find common ground and the means to be good to each other and have a flourishing life. You are like a pilot who gets everything ready for a takeoff or landing. It’s not a matter of tabulating but immersing yourself in possibility. But be careful to whom you commit. Some men may not be cut out for marriage. One of our male respondents noted: After thirty-five-plus years of marriage I see how poorly thought out my goals were and actually how little insight I had into my own needs. I have

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When I Fall in Love Again discovered that I might have been perfectly happy as a single person and to have avoided the stresses that accompany the decision to marry. I have discovered over time that I am a little more self-centered than I need to be and it sometimes causes me to feel resentment about some of the sacrifices relationships require.

NOT REPEATING MISTAKES The best men, Avery claimed, were the unavailable ones. They were high status and high profile as well. She was so funny that people accepted her explanation why both her longtime boyfriends had been married. She describes the third timer, in the marketing department of the large Chicago-based publisher where she was an editor: ‘‘There was a moment my lover had to leave me off early. He jumped out of the taxi. He wanted to read a bedtime story to his child. He was in the middle of divorce and hadn’t moved out yet because his wife said the children needed him.’’ She said of course he should go home and read the story. Then Avery ended their personal relationship, and banished the married guys. Friends congratulated Avery on getting over her problem. ‘‘But I didn’t think I had a problem until I began to form an attachment with an unmarried man I knew from the commuter train.’’ She had met someone who had potential. She worried that the new relationship was like a cracked bowl. He had an ulterior motive. He couldn’t be simply available. She fluctuated between putting Neal’s affection to the test and girding herself for breaking up with him. Having had a series of broken relationships, she could read the problems of attachment like a language she already spoke. Avery said: To hitch up where there was normalcy and longevity seemed impossible. I thought it was normal to walk away again and again. I slept with another man to reduce stress in the new relationship. It was crazy—I can’t believe I did this!

Recognizing her behavior as out of control, Avery decided on an interim, where she would not have physical intimacy with a man but would try to practice seeing the whole of a person, not just the experience of the hunt. Avoidance of intimacy is common when a relationship is a bridge. (Indeed, persons on the rebound are to be avoided.) Eventually, Avery met someone appropriate who wanted a love in his life as she did in hers, and Neal became a lifelong friend instead of a lover.


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By the time I’d dated Neal I knew what a healthy relationship was. We had one, only it didn’t have the mysterious elixir of love. It could have been Neal but more years needed to pass by. I felt I could see my destination, which included attachment and would put an end to Avery of the Hunt.

The point is to respect yourself enough not to repeat your mistakes ad infinitum. Of all the pieces of advice I garnered that helped my inner Cupid send an arrow bull’s-eye to Mr. Right, one set me back on my heels. It’s a mark of sanity, my friend said a decade ago, not to keep repeating the same mistake. I was afraid some man would abandon me as my brother had when he died, and my first husband had when he cast me away four thousand miles from home with no advance warning. I chose married men who would never be available and thus never leave me . . . very neat! In your last relationship there was dissonance. The two of you lost interest in each other. The support dropped off on one side or both. The love lost its luster; the dating or living together became routine. It’s natural to imagine that you are going to draw closer to the next man. Closer than to a stranger or casual acquaintance, surely, but you don’t want to merge like the colors blue and yellow becoming green. Often couples break up because they interpenetrated beyond what was healthy. He knew every sling and arrow tossed your way at the job, and you had all his flaws down so pat that you knew when he’d shout or be ornery, and how to trigger it. ‘‘He knew what tied me in knots and I knew his procrastinating and when he would soft-pedal his mother,’’ said a friend of mine after her divorce. ‘‘We needed a separation and it came in this brutal form. We both have our regrets ten years later, but it’s too late.’’ THE EIGHT-BALL SYNDROME (STAY IN FRONT OF IT) Installing new phones was Marcia’s day job. In the evening she supplemented this income by sewing pillows for an interior decorator. She had three children and her ex-husband not only wasn’t paying child support but had sent her a nasty note when she posted her profile on Matchbook.com. Marcia wanted to be in a relationship. She pictured it as cooperative more than romantic, as romance was, as she put it, ‘‘recessive’’ in her life. She came up with a tactic for moving on that is such good common sense that it’s a shame more women don’t follow it. She calls it the eight-ball syndrome. As long as you stay in front of it you’re good to go, she says. She joined a volleyball singles group at the

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YMCA and attended singles groups at a Unitarian church. She went out with men who weren’t attractive to her, and made it fun while being clear it was just that. She had a smile for everyone, and didn’t let herself go behind the eight ball. ‘‘What I saw was that I kept up with all my responsibilities so I wasn’t completely overwhelmed. It was a challenge. When I couldn’t cope with a new order, or my social life, I retracted so I wouldn’t be behind the eight ball.’’ Then a man came to the volleyball games who liked Marcia and began to kid around with her. He didn’t ask her out, and instead of questioning that, Marcia enjoyed very much their talks at the games. What Reggie especially liked, he told her, was her ability to cope. ‘‘She also coped with me, because I’m slow with women.’’ ‘‘I only coped because if I didn’t cope, I’d lose it,’’ said Marcia. ‘‘Being a single mother, I felt like mom and dad both, and I knew not to add to that burden by letting one man rile me up.’’ KEEP YOUR LAST RELATIONSHIP IN PERSPECTIVE We tell ourselves the love affair is shallow and bound to end because love affairs do, not to trust a man because men are fickle, and that there was no good to the old relationship because it’s over. This is only lying to oneself. The truth is that a beautiful relationship can go south, but it was beautiful for a time. A relationship that ends generally ends because two people are at fault, so you don’t want to think, ‘‘The whole thing was a disaster.’’ It’s over and you have to pick up the pieces. If you discount the good in the last relationship you may never get it right—you’ll be weaving a bad fantasy. Did you and he get anything out of the relationship? Perhaps you developed the ability to live with the opposite sex? Did you trade off or share errands? Did you learn to relax and forget the bustling world together? Did he open a new interest in politics, gardening, or basketball for you? Find something good out of what went wrong. It wasn’t all bad; it never is. A classic Eagles song is ‘‘Wasted Time,’’ about a relationship that is over. The last lyric of the song reveals the truth of all relationships, that nothing is wasted. We always learn something that is valuable. KEEP SOME OF YOUR SELF IN RESERVE: BE WILLING TO BAIL When you date you have to learn to be a submarine. You open one part and then the other, and never get in danger of submerging. Keeping something of myself in reserve, when I was crazy about a man and our


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feelings were out of sync, I would take a more temperate view. Four years ago, after dating for a few months, weekend after weekend making the trek back and forth from one side of Connecticut to the other, I wanted John (the man I am now living with) to decide then and there, at a country inn one snowy night, if we were going to be true to each other forever. We were both educated (he was the big, sexy varsity guy I shyly eyed as he streaked across Harvard Yard, whose curly hair had gone to pewter given that he was ‘‘still’’ my age!). Moreover, John and I sort of matched physically, and John wasn’t looking for a casual fling. And there we were, lying in bed reading books happily together. . . . This added up to our being a couple, didn’t it? He said he enjoyed my company and we were exclusive but he couldn’t say about love and permanence. ‘‘Really?’’ I said. ‘‘Then I am putting on my boots and walking from the inn to the village and will be on my way. . . . Send my bags!’’ Now, this did not seem reasonable as there was a nine-inch snowfall and it was eleven at night. But he certainly seemed lukewarm about me. We drove back to his house and my little car was stuck and we were literally snowed in. We had a lovely romantic night (weird), having agreed to think about each other for three months and see if we wanted to be together. Two and a half months later, a ‘‘Dear Jane’’ letter arrived from John, our first contact since that fated weekend. (He was in my thoughts yet I was dating and also thinking about my backup plan, a new life in maritime Canada.) He had met someone, a physician who was more low-key like he was, and it appeared that they would be spending a life together. I had hoped he would feel as I did, but following my precept of having several irons in the fire until I found a mate or gave up on love, whichever came first, I shed a few tears but was philosophical. I could even laugh at one remark in the odious kiss-off. Something about how the sex with me had been great but that he was sure I’d agree that there was more to a relationship than sex. I had received four marriage proposals since we had last seen each other—three of them sort of old relationships coming to fruition like government bonds. John invited me to his sixtieth birthday party at a country club. I remember his wording to let me know that it wasn’t a ‘‘yes’’ to an ‘‘us’’ (which would have been implausible at that point): ‘‘My girlfriend won’t be able to come as she has a bad knee.’’ ‘‘You are inviting me because your girlfriend has a bad knee?’’ My e-mail was nothing if not arch, and he answered quickly, ‘‘I guess that wasn’t a very good idea.’’

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When John invited me to lunch at Paul Newman’s restaurant in the Westport Playhouse around the time of my birthday, he asked me over dessert if I would pardon him and reconsider being with him. I could feel lighthearted and at peace enough to say yes with a delighted smile, and to discuss it without losing myself—my wishes and perspective which he doubtless had registered being an attorney but which needed to be stated—I wasn’t going to be a weekend girl. You have to be willing to pull the plug on a relationship and let the other partner paddle. If they don’t, it’s over anyway, so get out of the boat. Them reconsidering is what you want. And sometimes they do. This is how a man who enthralled me but at first passed me over became my prince—and our life became a happy ending I only dreamed of before. DON’T BURN YOUR BRIDGES The facts of dating are such that if you’ve met several dozen people up to now, you may go back to and form a lasting relationship with one of these. Love stories are replete with those who met again at high school reunions only to renew their relationships of yesteryear. The point is that whenever retreating or ending a relationship, leave the door open . . . you and this fellow may both mellow into a phase where you see each other anew and your relationship meshes. KEEP YOUR EXPECTATIONS REALISTIC John Gray popularized the difference in how men and women communicate in his Mars and Venus treatises. The divide is very deep, so deep that we should never think we’ve got it all figured out and it’s not an issue. Our romantic and emotional selves, as women, lie at the surface. It’s natural for us to talk about our feelings. With men, the rational self lies at the surface. But each has a part of the other. An oversimplification that is helpful in a love relationship is that you and he are like four personalities: your female self with the lining of a male self, and his male self with the female sensibilities within. I have asked women if they like to be alone when they undress, and every one of them says yes. It seems that, if glimpsed naked by our partner as we put on the public garb, we like to be seen from a good angle (not an awkward one). Men are the same with feelings. Wearing his heart


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on his sleeve is a crushing nightmare for most men, who slip you the ring across the table, or the romantic valentine under the breakfast plate. In contrast to these women’s marriages, the women of my mother’s and my aunt’s age who were over fifty and whom I spoke to because I believed them in happy unions said they had intimate marriages. Were the older women less demanding or more adaptive? Were the younger women so busy with the kids that this side of the marriage was in abeyance? My point is that all these women had good relationships with their husbands, but that intimacy waxes and wanes. Don’t expect something of relationships they can’t deliver. A top attorney said that he never makes a mistake in his analyses of a case but in his assumptions about it. We assume that we’ll be together forever with the man who brings moments of epiphany and intimacy. But in the real world, the assumptions about mating for life wash for only a few. The relationship isn’t going to give us an ultimate security that we can count on. We can’t aim for it but we can aim for finding a caring best friend, a wonderful lover, someone with whom we can relax to our fingertips and toes, and with whom we identify so closely that being a couple is knowing the other. NOTES 1. David Knox and Ugo Corte, ‘‘Work It Out/See a Counselor: Advice from Spouses in the Separation Process,’’ Journal of Divorce and Remarriage 48 (2007): 79–90. 2. E. Brown and A. Maharaj, ‘‘Divorce Adjustment: The Role of Race and Gender,’’ Gerontologist 48 (2009): 89–99.

4 Play the Game or Lose: Managing the Double Standard

The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance of the woman. —Balzac

The double standard means simply that there are two standards, one

for women and one for men. Traditionally, women had to be virgins, must have had few sexual partners, did not watch pornography, and had to be reticent to show that they knew about sex and were good at it. In contrast, men were supposed to be sexually experienced with lots of women, which confirmed that they were studs. Looking at porno was proof that these men were sexual beings who loved women. In response to our Internet questionnaire, ‘‘To what degree do you feel the double standard is operative in U.S. society?’’ (where 0 was the nonexistence of a double standard and 10 was the constant presence of such a standard), the average number selected by our 429 Internet respondents was 7. These figures reveal that the traditional, hard-core double standard is mellowing. Other research suggests a diminution of the double standard but a recognition that it is still operative. In one study, females who engaged in threesomes were viewed less favorably than males who engaged in the same behavior.1 Some comments about the double standard from those we interviewed follow: ‘‘The double standard: it’s still operative, but not as much in years past. When the lexicon includes a true male synonym for ‘slut,’ you’ll know things have changed.’’ ‘‘I think a more relevant and disturbing double standard is the continued acceptance by men (and reluctant acceptance by many women) in regard to men having sex outside their committed relationship. Women having sex outside their committed relationship, or with multiple partners

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When I Fall in Love Again in noncommitted relationships, are still labeled as sluts and whores. Men are considered virile; women are considered loose. And women shouldn’t feel they have to emotionally commit to every sexual encounter, or be judged more harshly than men simply because they have a strong sexual appetite.’’

Our conclusion is that the double standard is alive and well. A woman is supposed to be or appear more chaste than a man, less experienced than he is. Yet, as he looks at her bright smile and graceful movements and listens to her gentle, pretty voice he wants her full of desire as she conveys ‘‘I could be’’ or ‘‘I am.’’ This dichotomy is deep in the mating dance. The waterfowl in the conservancy down the road from where I (Jane—first author) live exhibit the same double standard. In the case of many species the female feigns indifference while the male displays plumage and what a fine duck he is. The female is above such silliness—until they begin to dance together. Underneath the dichotomy is truth. Women get pregnant and bear children: we are the sex that is entered and we have to be careful to whom we extend the privilege. Yet if we put paper bags over our heads and don’t display our charms of person and personality, we reduce our opportunity to be with a man to almost nil. Drawing in the opposite sex almost suggests being on stage. A woman who would like a man to take notice of her as a potential partner is like an actress on view. There are different ways of incorporating the nurturing and seductive capacities successfully, of relating to the man more spiritually. And he is a deserving person like you. Being aware that this is your time and admitting to yourself that you are in courtship mode vastly increases the likelihood that love will strike. That’s because falling in love and pairing off is a two-way street. It takes two: you being desirable and the man who desires you. Maybe the man who looks just your type and whom you can imagine taking you on a white-water rafting trip just ended a relationship and is open for a new adventure. Or there are guys with the sex appeal of Clive Owen or Daniel Craig, a double Ph.D., and a large trust fund, who are tired of dating superstars and want a woman for life just like you. Keep your feathers preened, because love strikes more often than not in the most unlikely places and venues. I remember getting tired of looking at clients, old friends, and all single men in my age group as potential partners. Yet walking down Main Street with an awareness that ‘‘I’m here for the taking’’ was a brave feeling, too. And my friends gave sympathy and advice: sometimes it was like holding up articles of

Play the Game or Lose

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clothing in a store and having a friend say, ‘‘No not that color,’’ or ‘‘The deeply gorged V neck isn’t for you.’’ Meanwhile, my friend Sheldon helped me keep my eye on the ball. I was becoming discouraged when he said, ‘‘No, it’s a numbers game no matter how beautiful or likable the woman.’’ You will need to meet about twenty men before you will click with one of them. But stay in the game. You won’t find the item if you are not out shopping. CHOOSE THE STYLE THAT WORKS FOR YOU All women who mate with a man have to some extent mastered the art and power of seduction. I suggest that there are different kinds of roles we take. We play with these roles and usually settle into what feels most comfortable to us. The role-playing isn’t dishonest any more than the dance of the waterfowl is false. We come in different styles as women and there are different ways for us to attract, different forms of seduction. There are five possibilities women play with: 1. The rose. She revels in her pretty looks yet never chases after men or things. Her manners are lovely. She is soft and unforgettable for the man who gets involved with her. If something gets out of hand, or she is crossed, she can use her thorns. 2. The diamond. She glitters and plays hard to get. She knows her value and has a knack for good settings for her type of appeal. 3. The pearl. Her luster comes from character, goodness, and brains. She may act just a little more innocent that she is. She has a glow from her confidence in how good she is. 4. The butterfly. Think how she flutters as she exudes the essence of a flower; the butterfly type vibrates with color and fragility. She asks for protection and shelter from harsh realities. She offers the joy of capturing her and promises an exciting partnership. 5. The sorceress. Her charms are based in earthiness, and her power is being mysterious to men. She casts a magic spell by her sexy personality. Fundamentally she gains her power from timing. Any woman can experiment with these female types to attract a man. You may identify with several or all, as how you were at certain times in seeing different men. Any woman can be a rose and protect herself from getting too close when it might bruise her petals. Any woman can be a sorceress who understands about choosing a man who is, in the present time, prone to be responsive. And so forth.

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Be Cool Act cool. I’ve seen it in my family. The only outward sign my son was madly in love was that he bought a box of vellum stationery and envelopes and wrote letters to his girlfriend all one summer when she was three thousand miles away. My daughters tend to whoop and carry on about falling in love, the engagements of their friends to be married, and of course romantic movies. If you can maintain a cool exterior about your romantic life, the fading memory of the relationship that was, and the developments of the romance that is, you are going to have chips on your side in the love game. Why do we have to act cool; why can’t the burden be on the men to act punch-drunk with love to please us? To understand this we have to go to the paradigm of male–female emotional polarity. If a man gets all gooey about love, he feels he’s being sucked back into the womb and losing control; his ability to reason, achieved over thousands of years, is lost. Women operate natively in the world of feelings; when our faculty of logic is active we are reaching below our natural psychic habitat. Being cool also conveys your value. If you jump too quickly on the love wagon, maybe your life’s a mess and you’d be a lot of trouble. Or, nobody else wants you so you may not be worth anything. But if you need a little pleading to come on over, it increases your value. Kathleen Williams was the fifth wife of Clark Gable. She noted that she had previously refused an invitation to be his dinner date set up by an MGM executive when Gable called himself and said, ‘‘I’m sorry I did not get to meet you earlier. I wonder if you’d have dinner with me tomorrow night.’’ Her answer was, ‘‘I’m afraid I’m busy tomorrow night.’’ He then replied, ‘‘What day aren’t you busy?’’2 Sparkle Plenty It’s often said that men are more visual when it comes to being attracted to women than we are with regard to men. Biology says that what attracts the male of all mammal species are signs of vitality and health: sparkling eyes, soft skin, a fit body as well as energy and grace of movement. So get conscious of your physical attractiveness. Start with the eyes, where love enters. You can enhance your eye sparkle by makeup, nutrition, and where you place yourself with regard to a light source. This is probably the only trick I recommend in this book: Sit across from a window or white wall, or be seated with candlelight between him and you. It is your eyes that break the barrier of wariness. It’s the same with a photo; you put the smile in your eyes.


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Your Image Burnish your image for the courtship phase. This is different from selfesteem (next chapter); it’s how you present yourself, regardless of how you feel today or tomorrow. I used to think of British royalty to psych myself up for this. I am your basic bohemian who only fleetingly takes an interest in fashion or dressing up. However, when I was single after a long marriage, I switched to a push-up bra and jeans that were a shade tighter (actually described as boyfriend jeans, which I first in my innocence of jeans thought meant the jeans would bring a boyfriend). Let’s start with the most superficial of all representations of your image, your picture and self-description that you put up on the Internet dating site like Match.com or eHarmony or on Facebook. Want to throw in the towel on electronic presentation of your charms? You can dissent because: • You don’t like putting yourself out there. • You know people who have been stalked in cyberspace and you’re against it. • You are a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model and you have enough exposure. • Your whole persona is built on being reclusive so for you it would be harrowing. Everybody else: making it work for you is the approach. Decisions, decisions, of which the key four on Facebook are: • • • •

how much to share how to use the friends list whether you want to reconnect romantically privacy level

With the dating services the big issue is whether your photograph looks like you, only better. I initially felt Internet dating sites were for losers until a friend told me she had met her husband (whom I knew from the health club and liked) on a dating site. She had gone to a photographer and paid a bundle to get a glamorous photograph. She was a timeworn, pleasant-looking blonde like me and I tried to duplicate her souped-up beauty with a digital photo taken by a friend. When my beloved saw me, he thought I fit his one criterion—a lively look in the photograph. So don’t give a lot of time to describing your perfect Sunday or walks on the beach or any of that malarkey. Put up a stunning photograph!

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With the dating services the other big issue will be whether you give it enough time to sift and meet and greet. We recommend you start with the Right Mate room at Heartchoice.com. After reading what you need to know about the caveats of Internet dating (and other articles of interest), click on ‘‘Find a Partner’’ and presto, you have hundreds of Match.com’s men waiting to ‘‘wink’’ at you. Answer every man who winks or whatever, just as you would guys on a dance floor in dancing school or the high school prom. Indeed both David (second author) and his wife said that if they had met on the Internet, they would have pressed delete as neither seemed right for the other. It is now twenty years later . . . together. The point: eliminate no one until you take a very close look. On the description of you, and in your initial correspondence, you want to give a hint, not carry on. The earliest exchange is a perfect arena for what French call the ‘‘soupcon,’’ or glimpse. And a disastrous place to vent. So fake it and be happy all the time. (Yes, courtship is a time of glorious deception . . . and he’s doing it, too.) Don’t whine. Never give emotional detail. Talk about yourself as little as possible. Take an upbeat attitude to qualms you express and limit them severely. In short, let the man who gazes at you want more, not less. Just a picture? Your image is connected to you. The picture you display speaks for you more than one someone else might choose; yet it’s only a paper doll imitation of you, too. When you go to his image(s), are you prepared that his haircut may be poor, his chin slack, and the look in his eyes goofy? It is very smart to imagine the whole person beyond that, and give him the benefit of the doubt. An occasion to go by the Golden Rule. Face it, you want to look good, your best, beautiful or tough or original or a party girl or sweet. You have the freedom and control, so how do you want to look and do you have the pictures for this? If you have a wardrobe that they could sell at Talbot’s, or a photo that makes you look like a vice-principal of your old elementary school, make an effort and go to a photographer, because Internet dating is ‘‘faces first.’’ How good does a rose look on a Burpee’s seed catalog? Middling? Or lustrous and dabbed with dew? You want to negotiate your way around the shallowness of meeting on the Internet with good taste. If you don’t try the Internet you are denying the Fates and Cupid their rightful chances. After all, the stigma of Internet dating where lovers would never, never tell how they met is being replaced with ‘‘We met on Match.com’’—and they smile! Here are some simple tactics to look appealing in the photograph: • Hold your head high, an indication of good posture. • Smile with your eyes and part your lips.


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• To avoid the look of your photo on your driver’s license, try the eyebrow flash: a slight upward tilt, which softens a flash photo pose and which psychologists say is a preeminent female sign of welcome. • Look at the camera as if it were a friend, unguarded. • If your smile freezes in photos, wet your lips and look at someone else—not at the camera—and talk at the same time. Self-promotion is so icky that publicists get paid to do promotion for others. Beware of boasting in any way whatsoever on a dating site. That means we can’t boast about working for Habitat for Humanity, kayaking around the Statue of Liberty, or the tennis trophy. Keep in mind that when you are seining (as with a fishing net) for Mr. Right, this is not a personal way of staying in touch. It only makes a collage of you and your life. Do not tell a man that he can see your life on your self-description or on Facebook. Use Facebook more to network and the dating sites to sift. And stay alert: don’t make promises you can’t keep, like ‘‘You live in San Diego and I’m here in Chicago. Shall we meet in Kansas?’’ You may have observed that feeling compelled to live an extraordinary life on Facebook is insane. Plus men are going to decide if you are likable by the, duh, photos. Men even forget us but see our photos and remember us. And who cares if you are the first, or second, or sixteenth woman he contacts, if you see his worth and he becomes your honey? Some women tell me that when you are meeting a man and the time is short, the entry you each have helps the two of you segue into another level, due to an awareness of each other’s interests and experiences. What His Image Shows Go ahead and judge the guys, but with an ounce of reason. Is he rude in e-mails? Borderline lewd? Is he a fussy child or metrosexual-type narcissist? If you want to find a partner, can you deal with the hair sideburns, the baseball cap backwards on the eternal boy, the fancy man whose shirt has a stripe that matches the one in his suit? Is it even masculine to show off his physique? ‘‘What does it tell you that he’s kissing his bicep?’’ was how one pro at what could be called ‘‘imagine analysis’’ (!) put it. If you don’t think he’s handsome, why not? Is that his fault, the result of his poor photograph, or your fault for not giving him a chance in person when he has offered to meet? It’s kind of an inverse relationship between whether a fellow is great, and whether he looks great in that photo he put in to show you what a

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funny or athletic or well-traveled guy he is. The best class of man doesn’t automatically project his virtues or true personality that obviously, or with an intention to slay women. You might want to be forgiving if he sounds and looks good but is trying too hard. Trying to impress is unattractive, but natural. You know you are unique and can separate from the herd, but you let people find this out. Still, if he pushes it in your face, you are unlikely to be impressed in person. Using the Online Options The problem with using an online service or Facebook is that it takes a considerable amount of your time. You’ll feel woozy after looking at and through candidates at lunch hour, or for two hours after dinner. We are all pushed to conform from first grade on, to perform the same operations over and over. How often do you want to go on Facebook? How often do you check your Match.com account? How often do you update it? Should a person feel remiss if she leaves it the same even though she just did something amazing? How soon does an entry become stale and is this safer or better than saying hi to an interesting stranger in the laundry room? Do we have to use the online services and Facebook because they are there, and how do we harness their power? Go all out and use the dating service to the hilt. Think how someone’s great-aunt in rural Kansas would have treasured this opportunity, and go through the paces. It’s like being in Grand Central Terminal or Union Station. Some people bump into you and step on your toes, or look right through you as though you don’t exist, but other people are polite, have regard, and may ride that train with you and make the trip interesting. Be open and resilient. Cut off contact if you get any negative vibes. Sometimes your fee for a dating site turns to gold. On the other hand, the information you post is like a baseball card—it looks full of information but what does it tell you about the game or the real person? Moreover, there is no need to collect cards that will just sit there on the computer, or printouts. Women say that men are attentive at the friendly hi stage and then are too busy following up leads to focus. They have dating service attention deficit disorder. I’m an enthusiast of honing your image, showing it to a friend or two if you don’t want to critique it yourself, and jumping on the Internet dating merry-go-round. It’s comparable to real estate, where many people do find their home via this virtual route, and despite the wooziness you are going to meet someone very special if you keep at it. Beyond the photo and the image is the content: what do you say about yourself? The answer is: the truth. If you are a ‘‘full-figured girl,’’


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say it. If you only want a nonsmoker who is an agnostic, say it. And if you are looking for a long-term relationship and have no interest in hooking up, say it. You can also say that you are no prude and that sex with you inside a committed relationship that is going somewhere is worth waiting for. Nice and Sexy We project that we are chaste, with a whiff of sexuality. Sometimes this is like being in a strobe light. When his friend flirts with us, we display a Madonna-like look and do not engage. When alone with our guy we tongue kiss with abandon. On American TV, if someone is in a hospital bed you can be sure you’ll see the IV, the heart monitor, and perhaps the person slashed and sewn up as well. Why we have to go all the way instead of a subtle implication of the disease is beyond me. I think it has to do with the tradition of American know-how, being down-to-earth, and so forth. Women I interviewed who are in relationships expressed that when to have intercourse is the major hassle. If they are sexually experienced, there is a natural tendency to go for the goalpost once sex is initiated. But recall from chapter 1 that a third of our respondents said that they regret having intercourse too soon. My answer is, what do you lose by waiting? The worst-case scenario is that you have a battle of intellects at one in the morning, after the restaurant and driving around in his car and stopping for coffee. He is tired and not at his most polite and you are tired and just want the creaturely comfort but don’t want to do anything you’ll regret in the morning. On the other hand, if you take the attitude of ‘‘Why not?’’ you are going to get emotional the next day. I asked sexually active women of the generation of twenty to thirty-two whether they could have intercourse and shrug it off without emotions. Not one said that she could. Therefore, it makes sense to display your stuff, and flirt and tantalize, and not go to bed with a man until you know how you and he want to design the relationship. And that takes time. Intercourse may occur on the third time you see him, or after months and months of pure friendship, but when it does, let it signify a sincere pledge. While you are being tantalizing, don’t judge the man as being too forward or awkward. Do not think about this much at all. It’s natural of a man to make a sexual gambit, and to jibe this with your timing is quite difficult. Be forgiving but firm if the time is not right for you. I was an unattached and independent woman when a man tried to argue against the fact that I was looking for a man to live with and love, not just a

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tryst that might or might not lead to something. I look back on my firmness as a sign I truly desired something better than revolving-door dating. In my youth if you didn’t give up sex you could be labeled a prick-tease. It was an attractive formulation (sarcasm intended) but most of us heard it correctly as a devilish way for a man to get laid. And by the same token, don’t assume you’re an item until you are. First Meetings Keep in mind that men are looking for a sexy nice girl. When you dress for the occasion, wear something you’ve worn at least twice before. It’s okay to show some skin, but don’t reveal too much or you become objectified. One young woman complained to me that on the first blind date men stared at her chest. ‘‘So do women,’’ I cautioned her, ‘‘because you like the tight, low-cut tank tops that show every curve.’’ Sure, guys like looking at a woman who shows a lot of skin, but not necessarily having one as a girlfriend. Focus on being tasteful and if it involves being a little sexy, that’s even better . . . emphasis on little. Make strong eye contact, but don’t stare the guy down. When he is talking is the moment to make eye contact for sure; it makes you seem interested in what he has to say. At the same time, gazing directly at the man for too long can make him uncomfortable. So if you see your guy breaking eye contact more than you do, look away a bit. Even very confident men can get anxious under the gaze of a lovely woman. Using Your Core It’s amazing to me how many women say they make no effort to be attractive or flirt when they like a man, that to do so is unfair seduction. Aside from the traditional negative meaning, the double standard also means that we are allowed to be sirens. Men think it’s cute, and natural, even if usually we are pretty much like them in public. Body language manuals make exuding our personal power as complicated and frustrating as riding a twelve-speed bicycle for the first time. Body language comes naturally, but you can rev up yours to a more feminine repertoire. The crucial and unequalled change you should make is to use your core. The woman whose flirting palette extends from just hands and arms, or head and legs, is like a tree blowing with only its leaves while remaining stiff in its branches. Try an extended exercise as follows: An attractive man sits across from you at a party. Do an open-palm-type gesture that among higher mammals is a welcome. Put your elbows on the table. Glance his way. Shift your legs


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into the seated model pose where the legs lean to one side, are lined up together, and where your heels are lifted off the floor. Right foot is over left, knees and legs pert and a little tension in your core. When you return to base position, roll your hips forward and raise your torso. Your breasts point at him (discreetly). Hold and look unfocused at a point about six feet past him. You are communicating, a powerful sexual gesture that suggests to the man you are on top of his body—but again this is completely innocent. In everyday life, we use gestures that may have different significance when flirting. If you stretch your legs straight out, flex your feet and point your toes out as if at the end of a fishing pier with your family, you are expressing generalized gladness and relaxation. If you do this same movement when alongside a man, you are indicating a sexual urge to be filled, even though you are on the fishing pier. A man unconsciously interprets your slow (totally decent) stretching out and flexing as longing . . . She cocks her head, lets her hair settle over her shoulders, and gets this fun look in her eye . . . It’s early in the relationship but the man takes profound notice! Your Understating Makes Him Comfy After my senior year of prep school, a student a year behind me told her brother (my age) she thought we’d like each other. He went to a single-sex prep school like me. He stopped by the public library where I worked and we became acquainted behind the stacks. He exuded warmth, had a nice car of his own and an allowance, and took me to Manhattan. We also spent many evenings at my house. (His house had big white columns and a bar-type refrigerator in his room, and I felt out of my element although welcome.) Axel (not his real name) later spoke to me passionately of love. My hotel room was strewn with roses when I visited him at his Ivy League college. He gave me significant gifts and would run with me hand in hand in a summer rain. I guess from that template of a first boyfriend I figured that men were accustomed to talk romantically like that, but eventually I realized that he was just a very verbally expressive person who learned four foreign languages, including Chinese. (He became a litigator.) Axel was the exception. In general, until proved otherwise, figure that men do not want to express their feelings for you. The typical man is far more likely to demonstrate than speak of his love—and that may be taking you to see his favorite team play ball or another gesture of letting you into his life, not snowing you with obvious signs of fealty!

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It is important to lean to speak their language! Don’t talk about your romantic feelings, or e-mail a man you care about, telling him you miss him and indicating your level of fondness for him. Not even if he does. Not a word (initially). An egregious example of being open about her love was Maria, whose boyfriend lived in San Diego as a freight analyst while she worked as a librarian in the suburbs. They were instantly drawn to each other and delighted to form a close relationship. They saw each other nearly every weekend, going back and forth, while they considered who would move in with whom. But whereas Nick now felt fulfilled, and liked daydreaming through the week about getting together with Maria on the weekend, she experienced it as a high followed by a low. In the absence of his reassuring physical presence during the week, she wrote Nick long e-mails, pouring out her feelings of love and longing. Finally they had ‘‘the talk’’: ‘‘I feel great with you and believe we can be happy together,’’ said Nick, ‘‘but—.’’ Maria was taken aback. ‘‘But what?’’ she asked with apprehension. ‘‘But I don’t know what to make of those e-mails you write me in the middle of the week. You’re, uh, like a different person.’’ Because Maria has found true happiness with Nick after all, we incline to forgive his being such a dick. Besides, his discomfort with lacy expressions of feeling is pretty much ubiquitous with men of all ages. Men want sensation, women passion. MAKING THE DOUBLE STANDARD WORK FOR YOU If it’s true that men want you to be a mother and a whore, it’s not as bad as it sounds at first blink. This means you will be all women to your partner: the sweet, nurturing figure, and the siren who lures him to bed and takes him to Heaven. And we don’t have to dress up in fishnet stockings and naughty underwear to be alluring, or gush with supportive remarks and sympathetic clucks to exhibit compassion. We just have to be ourselves—the medley that is femininity. It’s in the Timing If the double standard is how he thinks in general, the man of today wants closeness and honest fidelity in particular—when the time comes. And the time comes in these circumstances: • His same-age friends are getting married. • He has moved to a new place or job and doesn’t have a bunch of guys to bowl, play Frisbee, or watch sports at the bar with.


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• He is nearly forty (thirty-seven isn’t old enough for the biological clock to jangle loudly). • He has been with wacky women and begins to fantasize serenity and stability. • His brother and sister-in-law recently had a baby. The Values Line Up There are certain values you must look for. You know from what didn’t work before that what defines a successful relationship is a high level of commitment, respect, and honesty. When we are infatuated, why does everyone tell us to go slowly? Not because the prince could turn out to be a wretch, but because we need to see if we can sing a duet, be in harmony, and even be singing the same tune. It’s not his religion that could be an obstacle but his values, especially whether he is tolerant. It’s not whether he’s boisterous or taciturn, but whether he can retire his ego to see that sometimes he could be quieter, or give you and your friends space to be giggly and noisy when they are over. In the first serious relationship, women tend to be more similar, they say, to the man, than in the later relationship that endures. Although counterintuitive, this suggests that the women were more open to men quite different from themselves the second time around. Megan said: My husband and I are from different ethnic backgrounds and we spend our days very differently. Matt runs a community garden and I coach women’s basketball. He doesn’t care if he sees another human being but me once a month, and I am a consummate people person. My first husband was a coach too, and our sharing that was a good thing, but he always expected me to mirror him. It was like a bell curve where not much variance was permitted. Matt believes people, like plants, need to be left alone in the main to grow and flourish. So do I. This is a huge shared value that makes our relationship healthy and precious.

Inventing Him When we play with dolls, we assign roles. My teddy bear with a pelt of soft fur and well-muscled arms and legs reminds me of prize-winning journalist Maggie Scarf’s observation that ‘‘if a woman can find the perfect man, she should marry him. If she can’t find the perfect man, she should invent him.’’ Despite a lot of verbiage among some feminist

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writers that we should not cave in to a man’s desires and deny our own opinions, wishes, and pursuits, we seem assigned by nature to adapt. And despite the adage that as soon as a woman marries she tries to change the man, the fact is that we civilize men and help them evolve their sensitive side. We are the mothers and we are more inclined to be compassionately tolerant of a man and help him grow. We adapt more, and men like to teach more (who hasn’t let herself be taught a tennis serve or golf swing by a man when she didn’t need a lesson?). Because you’ve been through a relationship and had time for a bridge, you can imagine the ideal of you and him together. Your caring will not be beneficial to you alone but to both of you. If you are going to lead him into an important advance like saving instead of spending, or carrying through with his half-finished degree, or a trivial change like wearing dress socks with his corduroys instead of white athletic socks, you are a woman weaving your web. We are mocked for changing men, but think about it instead as inventing them. When I was dating, I found myself using the quick term that my single women friends also used: ‘‘I think he’s good material.’’ Self-Invention (Smoothing Out Your Act) The man in the new relationship you value wants to feel he will have the same woman tomorrow that he finds attractive today. Overplay your consistency, because men are not subtle. Show your sensuality not in breathy quick gestures but in sultry ones. Lengthen your movements. A famous actress said that all long arms are beautiful and arms of any length can be long. You bounce when you run past an attractive man on the volleyball court (without awareness or with), but when near to the man you are falling in love with, you hold your arm to your side and brush the tip of your breast with your pulse point . . . deliberately, slowly. We women are, in a manner of speaking, less predictable than men. Our guiding symbol is the moon, which waxes and wanes, and secondarily Venus, which disappears at the horizon or blazes forth brighter than any other star. There are many jokes about women whose sex drive is heated when they marry, and who then turn their attention to the house and family exclusively. There are also women who lose interest in sex and just want their emotional needs met after they pass out of their twenties, and most of them settle down with a man. The man wants to feel that you are going to ford through the ups and downs of life and stay enthusiastic about sex (and him). If a woman acts lusty


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when she has a few drinks and prim and proper without the drinks, he reads her as unpredictable . . . and he wants badly to predict a lifelong, willing partner to his sex drive. Whether your personal style is unpredictable, whether you are in a field that capitalizes on sensitivity and creativity (like a craft, fundraising, or fashion), or whether you are in a constricting field (pharmacist, the military, or math-oriented) and feel entitled to relax in your leisure time, you have to smooth out your manner and mood on behalf of the new guy. The man struts and we accompany him with a steady stride and glide. The graceful catwalk (both literally and figuratively) through adversities and challenges of every day provides a single, irrefutable affidavit that you are a consistent babe. Because the double standard and the traditional roles are alive and well (if diminished) doesn’t mean they have to trip us up. By being sexy and reliable—brimming with feminine charm and at the same time predictable in your actions and low-key in your emotions—you are everything he wants. But what if you don’t ultimately want him? That is embarrassing, awkward, and does not conjure up a pretty picture: the rejected swain. That is for you to decide—later. Be kind and considerate but also alluring. If his love bubbles up through his rational self, then you can decide if it’s mere attraction or you and he are fated lifelong. But be cautious before hitting the delete button; you may change how you feel, and you will have let a good one go into the arms of someone else. Experts on body language recommend mirroring as a tool to harmonize with somebody and feel on the same wavelength. In its most primitive form, it’s called postural echo. Remind yourself to mirror the texture of a situation; it can be an effective way to make a man feel deeply at home with you. When he is dejected because his baseball game is rained out isn’t a cue to pirouette your good mood about something. If he wants you to hold a wineglass at a party and you don’t even drink, ask for seltzer and hold the glass as you circulate, and he feels you are on the same wavelength. The model is not a deceptive subliminal message but the joy of walking at the beach or on a pretty street where your stride matches effortlessly and you stop or make a turn in such easy synchronicity you don’t know how it happened. What is natural is for a woman to behave in a somewhat understated way while she is on the lookout for her best chance of finding a good partner, or while she reels him in (pardon the metaphor). She, of course, is discreet, knowing that males of many species, including ours, get a kick out of marketing themselves to attract a customer. Have trust in the courtship dance, and when you identify an attractive man, let him

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have an equal spotlight as you date. Take a hint from nature and let the peacock fan his feathers . . . for you. We are more complex that they are. We are more emotional in our base. Dr. Louann Brizendine, author of The Female Brain, uses the term over and over that our brains are marinated with hormones. A normal good guy who liked his mother wants to form an attachment with a woman but he is hardwired to fear our temperament. You hear men saying their worst evaluation of a woman and it’s that’s she’s ‘‘crazy,’’ by which he means high-strung. All you have to do is temper your reactions and he’ll be able to gallop towards you without reservation. Do this consistently—I repeat—be consistent. You don’t talk too long or laugh uncontrollably. You take it easy if you fail the test or the commuter train is delayed an hour at the stop before yours. You aren’t bland, though. You share your passions while showing him even then that you are consistent, reliable. This is on the deepest level reassurance to the new man that you are steady, faithful, not boring, but a woman he can trust when he isn’t thinking about you—because men don’t think about us as much as we think about them. They spend far more hours in their weeks completely wrapped up in sports, business, and nonrelationship matters. You Shine in Company Don’t put down or be cool to the competition. It is fine to have goodlooking and accomplished women friends and associates. Men, once they are past adolescence, want one woman who sticks with them. In the rare case where your model-gorgeous girlfriend snags a potential guy, think of him as having been eliminated like a counterfeit twenty-dollar bill. Closing the Deal He likes you, next he whispers he loves you, and then he tells you he’ll love you forever. My advice is if you can be true to him, and see a life with him, go for it! Say, what does that mean, Henry? How do I interpret that in my language? Because the man who can speak of love may mean something different than you do. He may mean that he is in a dither of sexual desire, but has no intention of sharing a future with you or anybody at this time; it’s too complicated for his on/off male brain. I hope this doesn’t sound cynical, because I think for most men the words of love come hard and are sincere . . . but the words are also a generalized expression of feeling that you can gently fine-tune. So you have to ask: so does this mean we are moving toward the ‘‘m’’ word?


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Clues to the fact that ‘‘m’’ may not be in your future and you need to find out what train you are on with this guy after six months include: • If he talks about going on a trip together as a big remote enterprise (translation—you are a girlfriend he has fun with but marriage isn’t on the menu). • If he talks about introducing you to his parents but nothing has happened (translation—he likes to keep you locked in by using his parents as the symbol of hope for your relationship but that’s all they are). After two years: • If he puts a napkin over his face before he can say I love you (as one woman reported) (translation—he really didn’t say it). • If he starts looking for a new apartment or major piece of furniture (cars are admissible) without consulting you (translation—you won’t be in the apartment or using the furniture). Closing the deal is not laying down the law, it’s nudging a man to see the implications of your being a beautiful item together before he sees it. The hurdles can be as minor as his lease with his roommate having another season to go. Or, in the case of my son and daughter-in-law, she was brought to near tears, feeling the time was right for a proposal, but he was mum. It turned out that he was making a diminutive wooden box with lamina of the wood of six continents before he issued a ring. However when he saw Margot was at wit’s end he gave her some signal that he would pop the question soon. NOTES 1. Peter K. Jonason and Michael J. Marks, ‘‘Common vs. Uncommon Sexual Acts: Evidence for the Sexual Double Standard,’’ Sex Roles 60 (2009): 357–66. 2. Kathleen Gable, Clark Gable: A Personal Portrait (Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall, 1961), 20.

5 Self-Esteem: Its Importance and How to Achieve It

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

—Woody Allen

The most stunning woman at the party—who is she? She isn’t of the

highest status, the skinniest, or the most fashionable. Yet she stands out. It’s described as confidence but it’s more the air that she’s going someplace and taking you with her. This is not about being manipulative and insincere. This is about being open, resolute, and fine-tuning the art of being noticed. When you feel good and full of life you dismantle your defenses, such as pessimism or self-doubt. The French use the expression ‘‘bien dans son peau’’ or feeling good inside your skin. There’s a half-truth in faking it until you make it. Psychologists call it ‘‘acting yourself into a new way of thinking,’’ which is always quicker than ‘‘thinking yourself into a new way of acting.’’ If you act confident, look people in the eye, are assertive, you suddenly ARE confident. The old house in Princeton where I (Jane—first author) lived with my young family looked like the witch’s cottage in Hansel and Gretel. The master bedroom was furnished with a double bed and a low doublelength dresser with his-and-hers drawers, left by the old retired professor. A long mirror was bolted to the dresser, and it could be tilted up or down, like a cheval glass. Rozy was about two when she delighted in putting on silks and satins and sashes and fake pearls from the dress-up trunk and crawling up on the bed to see the effect in the mirror. She would exclaim, ‘‘Comme je suis belle!’’ (How beautiful I am!). I was a bit puzzled and wondered what this exclamation was about—preening vanity or comical self-regard?—because this was a repeated scenario. At least half a dozen times, including when I was in the room and not, I had a chance to watch her and scrutinize her at play. She wasn’t wearing a party dress, but costumes she had dolled up in, so she was herself

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yet her own creation. She had brought off an effect she deemed stunning. It was if she were doing a catwalk and complimenting herself that she had brought off the same stroke of genius as the last time she had put herself and an outfit to the test. This was not only a cute and innocent rite of early childhood but a wondrous flowering of self-confidence. In order to compete successfully in the world, we need to have an optimistic attitude. It is important to believe that we can succeed, that our efforts will get results, that we are bright, attractive, have much to offer, and so forth. If you go to a party and assume that no one will talk to you because you are an unattractive, dull, boring person, you will find that, indeed, no one does talk to you. But if you walk into a party as if you are walking onto a yacht (paraphrasing Carly Simon from her song ‘‘You’re So Vain’’) you will discover that people look up and notice you. WHEN A RELATIONSHIP ENDS . . . IT’S AWFUL When you’ve put your trust into a man and he throws you over, or you’ve put your faith into a relationship that goes south, you feel like a truck ran over you. Some of the women I interviewed described the sensation as one of physical hurt. It takes almost superhuman effort to get through a day, and the hurt keeps creeping back when you think it has lifted. In this post-breakup mood, which dominates for some time and then interferes for some more until finally it’s a little cut on your finger or bruise on your heel, your self-esteem is not so much low as in total confusion. You were too good for him, not good enough, you are not meant for a normal relationship, you will wait until you are old as Methuselah until you find a man who is spiritually on your wavelength. And then there are humiliations that test your limits: the wedding where he was supposed to be your date which you still have to attend; the note of regret from his mother who liked you better than the hussy he left you for; the fact you swore you’d be with someone by thirty, or forty, or sixty, and here you are still on the dating circuit, back out on the street again. It’s like being knocked off a horse. After the breakup, the great disappointment whether he ended it or you did, you look around and see no prospects of a normal relationship. You think about going to a palm reader or your mother—anyone who might convince you that you’ll not end up shriveled and alone. You feel tattered, and no one is suitable. The good ones are married or gay; the men drawn to you do not interest

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you. Above all, your heart feels full of sawdust and the eternal flame of hope seems like a cheat. You can’t sleep, or your eating habits are disordered. You lose your energy or you put your sneakers on and go for a run at a weird hour. Uncontrollable tears gush forth when you don’t expect it. Your skin feels scorched. You are in mourning for what might have been. SPRING COMES . . . AND A NEW BEGINNING My favorite time of year in New England is pre-spring. Beginning in March, when the deer are moving slowly and their winter camouflage is perfect against the fields and trees, with the snow mostly melted, I get exhilarated because spring is coming. I imagine that the earth is beginning to thaw, and the flowers will soon bloom. That is how women I think secretly look at their bridge to a new lover. In this interlude you feel anticipation that you may be approaching, or have already met, your destined true love, and that love is in the air. This alone time is yours to awaken your faculties. While you are healing is time to buttress your self-esteem, because it’s going to take some energy to lift yourself up in the saddle and canter off cheerily again. What worked first of all for the women I interviewed who were bridging from one intimate partner to another was recognizing the difficulty. If you underestimate the difficulty of the shift, you are going to live a lie. Admit you feel numbed, shattered, sad, tearful, or discouraged. Admit that a date with the most wonderful movie star is pointless and your confidence in getting it right next time is at near zero. But persevere like a wounded but brave soldier. General George S. Patton said, ‘‘To win the battle you must make the mind control the body.’’ As soon as you take this attitude, the world will reinforce that you are likable, have a future, and that your allure is not a whit diminished but if anything increased by your greater knowledge and experience. SHINE AND SHOW INTEREST IN OTHERS Men are drawn by the surface attractions but are reeled in by quality of heart, mind, and soul. They are hunters who need to pursue, yet they want to be loved as unique individuals. The same fellow who was riveted by a cleavage, and only wants to party, looks at the same woman one day and thinks, ‘‘Is this the gal I want across the dinner table from me for the next fifty years?’’ Pygmalion sculpted a female ideal and was

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starstruck by his own creation. Yet he discovered that perfection of the female form is nothing without a warm response. If you happen to be drop-dead gorgeous yet self-intoxicated, the men will flock to you, but it will be brief. You have to get over your selfintoxication and show that you are an interesting person who can be a good match. The goal is to be bright, beautiful, and tempting. At an outing designed for active singles, a dance, an upscale bar, a kayak club event or pool party, the male guests are poised to notice and get to know, and this is the time to shine forth with your personality and interest in others. Smile. Say hello. Ask, ‘‘How do you know the people putting on the party?’’ Don’t expect someone to walk over to you and start talking. You make the move. REVIEW YOUR POSITIVES, RESPECT YOURSELF, AND BE HUMBLE People with low self-esteem do a lot of negative thinking about themselves. But the opposite is also true. Those who have high self-esteem think positive thoughts about themselves. To ensure that your selfesteem is high, make a list of twenty good things about you: you are honest, you are nurturing, you are pretty, you are hardworking, etc. If you have trouble coming up with twenty items, ask close friends to tell you what they like about you and you’ll have your list. Use this list. Put the items on a three-by-five card and read it three times a day. So rather than be down in the dumps because your lover has gone, focus on what he’s missing and what the next guy will cash in on. You have to have self-esteem to get a man who will be good to you. Men take the cue from us. They will respect you if you respect yourself. Boasting is a turnoff: look at how great I am, what I do and where I go are fascinating. That’s comical and sad, and a terrible barrier for the person who does it. DON’T SABOTAGE YOURSELF It may sound cliched, but beauty really does start from the inside. All of the forces enacted on the body by the outside world (this includes eating well, the air you breathe, and the people you surround yourself with) help to define and manifest that beauty. Beauty, therefore, should never be the goal; it is the by-product of right living and right thinking. You are vulnerable, particularly in the bridge to a new security with a loving partner, and you have flaws. But they do not hold you back.

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SEX-ESTEEM I know a stocky, large woman with wispy hair and a plain face, who with her confident sexuality and upbeat personality captured a very high-prestige and very wealthy guy who was also tall, athletic, and of cheerful temperament—because she presents herself as a sensual person. She knows she is unique and knows how to carry her weight because she had dance training in body movement from when she was a professional singer. A trick to gaining self-esteem in sex is simply to date more men. You don’t have to sleep with them; that can bring a girl down in more ways than the obvious. But being admired and liked by a new man can wash the old one out of your hair and improve your mood so you are ready for the prince. Said Leena, a college librarian, twenty-five: I always find it easier to date a new person if I’m trying to forget the one that came before. For example there was a guy that I thought was really great, but he was only interested in being friends with me. Not only did it hurt that he had rejected me, but I also wanted to erase this idea that I missed out on someone really great.

The easiest way to convince yourself that you are better off with the last one gone is by meeting someone that could possibly be even better. Also, when pride gets damaged from rejection, dating a new person (who is actually interested) is a good way to feel better about yourself. When you think about becoming more physically attractive, your mind wanders to less-than-ideal measurements, or a cowlick, or that bump at the bridge of your nose. Yet take it from French women who say that the little irregularities and departures from the ideal make us more appealing and distinctive. Clothes make us feel more ready for love, and more sensual. Looking in fashion, not as though you were left behind, is the goal. No cocktail dresses from when you were twenty, no shoulder pads, no color-of-theyear that looks garish and dated now. You didn’t get enough use out of these clothes because they were unflattering or uncomfortable. Dress your age but just a little younger. Makeup can make you look older. Whittling your waist is the smartest single thing to do when you are toning up to your fighting looks. This is a quick change with a regular routine at the gym. You don’t have to lose more than a few pounds if you have a waist that is nicer for a man to encircle. The toned-but-notskinny look of a mature woman is in fashion.

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Know that you are a better catch than almost all your contemporaries. If you’re between twenty and thirty-five, and are clearheaded, fun loving, and not in a dither about impossible life goals, you can be sure of this. If you are older and lively and not man-hating, you are a great catch too. Never think a man is too high status for you. Enjoy small sins when stressed by the netherworld nature of your social life. A manicure, pedicure, facial, or massage will do wonders. You deserve it.

6 Mama: What She Didn’t Tell You about Sex and Men

The art of being a woman can never consist of being a bad imitation of a man. —Olga Knopf

Following a relationship derailed and a long season of Internet dating,

speed dating, and being set up by friends, my (Jane—first author) eldest daughter began to share dating stories with me. Her relationship with ‘‘Mr. Pizza Topping’’ continued from their speed-dating encounter to a real date, to a propensity for interrogation. Over dinner at a busy Georgetown restaurant he proposed a three-question Q&A game: ‘‘How many boyfriends have you had?’’, ‘‘If you were a pizza what kind would you be?’’ and ‘‘Have you ever taken drugs?’’ Corporate attorney that she is, Emma replied to just the middle question, and said, ‘‘A Margherita.’’ Mr. Pizza Topping invited her to tour the bar, where, in the corner of the bar area of the posh restaurant, stood a tall lacquered chest of drawers. ‘‘Now guess what’s in there,’’ he said. ‘‘Nothing?’’ said Emma. ‘‘Dessert forks!’’ He pulled open the top drawer to reveal dozens of them. ‘‘Loser pays the tab.’’ He seemed to have played this game before, thought Emma as she forestalled a kiss. Once she told me she stayed over at a serious beau’s place and they were late for a theater matinee because the beau, a fashion-conscious dresser, couldn’t decide what to wear and came out in three successive outfits. She asked if I thought that strange? ‘‘Yes, and ominous!’’ I replied. We had many conversations about men and sex in the course of that year or so. Sometimes I feared being blunt or graphic, but Emma assured me she benefited from having a mom to talk over relationships with men.

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On one occasion, I told her she was not putting her heart into her ‘‘job’’ of finding her soul mate. She said: ‘‘Okay, I’ll go back to the man on the Internet dating site who wanted to meet me six months ago, even though he is attractive and I’m sure he’s found someone else by now.’’ So an offhand observation from dear old Mom resulted in an ideal match. My daughter, who works the typical extended hours of a young corporate attorney, came out of her law firm castle and fell for the exciting Internet date, David. (Being two kindhearted lawyers they don’t have oral arguments, just fun and battles of wit . . . in fact, being so verbally matched, Emma and David won the Washington Post 2009 scavenger hunt that had about ten thousand contestants.) To assess the input from mothers, I asked the sixty women I interviewed what their mothers did or did not tell them about relationships. SOME GENERAL DO’S AND DON’TS If your mother said, ‘‘You’ll know when he’s the one,’’ she was either just lucky with Dad, saturated in romance novels, or had forgotten how she weighed her decision to be with him. Good advice would be to choose the man not by whether he has a blazing career but a good work ethic; not who is funny or a gifted conversationalist but who has a sense of humor about himself; not with knowledge of a finger bowl but patient when the maitre d’ can’t find his reservation; generous not with presents but of himself when the elderly person next door needs a lift to the store. GETTING OPINIONS ON YOUR MAN Enter into a relationship and commitment slowly, as opposed to trying to make judgments about potential partners after going out a few times. You will want your mom’s opinion as well as to run the new man by at least one judicious friend, male or female—someone who recognizes the cads, manipulators, and weak men out there whom we encounter on our path to bliss with one of the fine men who are available as well. Sleep with one eye open until your concerns and deepest needs are met. DOES HE HAVE THE NEED TO BE INTIMATE? If the guy you are seeing is so self-centered or self-sufficient as a person that he is incapable of forming a loving attachment, you will see your

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attempts to warm and connect with him go awry. Before he brings you down, flee him! It’s not that there’s a preponderance of these aloof men out there; more are lonely and eager to attach. But as you move through your adult womanhood, the proportion of the men who are single and unable to emotionally attach goes up. So, why is Gabe available? A star Ph.D. from Stanford, he heads a research institute for high-tech medical products and is a popular science lecturer often consulted by television show hosts. Gabe played varsity basketball in college and now is an enthusiastic golfer and doubles tennis player. He has a great smile and takes a personal interest in all his staff, showing concern for everyone from the night watchmen to the families of those in his employ. At forty-five, Gabe is compared to James Bond and he looks fabulous in black tie. Said Christy, who does marketing for a California wine company and had been seeing Gabe for two years: You have to ask why is he available and why did both his wives want a divorce? Gabe is all the good things you see, but he’s so stingy that if he doesn’t like a movie I’ve seen him ask for his money back. Once when a guest brought over an expensive bottle of wine, he served cheap wine and wanted me to return the gift to my store! I’ve learned to read the signs! . . . We used to argue and I figured, ‘‘That’s how Gabe is,’’ until I changed from asking myself, ‘‘What are my prospects with him?’’ to ‘‘Why would I want to be with this tightwad anyway?’’ (he’s as stingy with his affection as he is with his wallet).

So what does and does not matter? What types of men are to be avoided, guys that may not be worth the effort? Men to Avoid: Ten Types 1. The Surfer (comes and goes; takes pride in not needing you and will be caustic when you show need for him) 2. The Bandit (loves you and leaves you once you satisfy his need to be adored) 3. The Armored Car (he projects ‘‘I’m not going to be taken again by a woman’’) 4. The Conqueror (the one who wants to add notches to his belt) 5. The Chameleon (the one who adapts himself to you so completely you feel he is your dream man—until he gets tired of who you are and reverts to his real self) 6. The Intimidator (‘‘Don’t even think about opposing me’’)

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7. The Great Man (‘‘You can be my moll. Just sacrifice your identity.’’) 8. The Frenzied Go-Getter (‘‘Get on my bandwagon and we’ll share a crazy, ambitious ego—mine’’) 9. Damaged Goods (neurotic to start with and a train wreck after his last relationship failure) 10. The Sidekick (‘‘He’s such an understanding friend, I guess I’ll sleep with him . . . but there’s no chemistry‘‘) Men Worth Investing In (And You May Wonder Why You Didn’t See It Straight Off) The following types of men deserve a second look; they are often made for love: 1. Reformed Bad Boys (They are done with their past and have the wisdom of experience.) 2. Warm Guys (They love their mothers, which is a good training ground for loving you.) 3. Peaceable, Low-Ambition Men (They devote time to working things out. They will have time for you, but will require your patience.) 4. Nerds (They dress like geeks in a computer store, wear glasses, and need an orthodontist. But they are faithful and loving as a golden retriever. They show up on time and won’t break your heart. A beautiful woman we know says, ‘‘Nerds treat me better.’’) 5. Creative Men (Their emotions are expressed in their work, not their personal life. It’s up to you to show them there is more to life than being at the office.) 6. Slow-Maturing Men (They are ready now, in their forties, and weren’t ready when their peers were first mating.) 7. Lonely Adventurers (men who come across on the surface like a rolling stone, but who, changed by circumstance, are eager to be with one woman permanently) 8. Sequentials (men who wanted to achieve success in their business or profession before tackling a serious relationship; they are ready for love and a family) 9. Divorced Men (Consider that responsibility for divorce is not always in the gray area. He may have loved everything about marriage but been with someone who was still overly attached to her daddy and wanted him to move in. Now he’s up for grabs, only take care she doesn’t use the children against him if she wants to get back at this giving man.)


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10. Tick-tocks (While men’s biological urge is less manifest than ours, men who in their twenties went on casual dates, when they turned thirty often think of themselves as hooked up with a steady mate. Now, they are done with the revolving door and want one woman and a child.) 11. Dazed/On-the-Rebound Men (Just out of a relationship, they may want to go agonizingly slowly because of their difficult past experiences. This man will require patience and reassurance. Teach him not to shoot all the dogs because some of them have fleas. The rebound man may also want to go too fast to replace a previous lost relationship. Proceed with caution.) 12. Casual Daters (These guys date lots of women. You don’t want to be just another on the list, but maybe he’s looking for you.) SEX: ‘‘IS THAT ALL THERE IS?’’ While your mother may have told you to follow your heart in matters of love, she probably did not tell you how to respect and control your sexual needs or alert you that you will screw up your life if you don’t. What I wish my mother had told me or I wish I’d listened to if she inferred it (same difference) is that if a woman acknowledges her passionate nature, her mind can be a rudder and she can be more circumspect about where it leads her. I had never thought of the perils of not being alert in these terms. I began to think about my type, and I realized that all of the men who had disappointed me in love were exceedingly charming and had, as one of them voiced it after his years of therapy, ‘‘an intimacy problem.’’ By contrast, my male friends formed a type as well: reliable, rather courtly, sensitive, and unassuming, like the men closest to me in my family. However, the twain didn’t meet in one person, and when I met a ruthless, high-powered, highly sexed male, I gravitated his way if I was unattached. I was the handmaiden or moll to a series of alpha males. Gradually I saw that I was getting but thin gruel from the men who were partly thrilling but partly not there or, it still pains me to say, indifferent. It was my own fault that I was arm candy for men who were unavailable for anything but sex—certainly not helping me to move into a new apartment. If the last man in your life was in it only for the sex, learn the type and be alert the next time. Moreover, if you are attracted to these guys, take a look at the pattern and change it.

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BEING COMFORTABLE WITH THE RATIO An adage many of the women I interviewed noted was that between eighteen to twenty-four months into a love relationship, the ‘‘pink cloud’’ lifts and you begin to cavil about the other person: ‘‘If only I could change this or that.’’ Maybe we have tugs like that. For example, my mate is an attorney and sometimes I wish he didn’t think like an attorney. But then I can always do the love test: When I see him walking up to the house, how do I feel? My heart flips and I feel a rush of love. If you will, I float onto that pink cloud. I don’t suggest you try to change a man (or he you). What needs to change if you are to ascend the relationship ladder from a cracked, disappointing relationship to a whole one is not to accept that feeling inside when your heart goes ‘‘Thud, he doesn’t answer my needs’’ but to consider ‘‘He’s my guy/we are together/nothing’s perfect.’’ And notice that the ratio of the good far outweighs the bad. George Carlin said, ‘‘If some of your needs are not met, drop some of your needs.’’ But don’t settle for a relationship of despair. Listen to your requirements about his need for intimacy with you. If he is not sensitive and you have lurking feelings of unease, which he discounts, think again about this relationship. Talking about your needs and likes can help, but if he’s rock-bottom selfish, he is not likely to change. An immutable narcissism can set off an alarm at the oddest moments: Why does he always have to choose the talk radio station when you would like music? Why do you have to go to his favorite bar every Friday night? While all of us are selfish, there are levels below which someone would be unwise to partner. It’s a tightrope act sometimes between adapting and being understanding, and knowing when to assert your demands or question his preferences. In the bedroom, if he has a pattern of doing it his way, even if it’s not hurtful, you have to say, with firmness, ‘‘Let’s make love in a position we don’t usually—better for me.’’ And if some aspect of the sexual rapport hurts or you don’t like it, then don’t allow it. A strong vibrant woman told me: I don’t know how I became pregnant by Josh, since he liked to do everything except penetrate vaginally. I look back at how I accepted this as ‘‘everything that’s consensual is okay’’ and wonder why I took so long to wake up to his being a terrible lover. When I got pregnant Josh wondered why I was surprised. Because we didn’t have nice, normal sex, I told him! When I miscarried I left and got on with my life.


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STANDARDS ARE WORTH INSISTING ON Promise yourself that you will be less accepting of hurt in the new relationship; otherwise your rightful sense of self is forced down (repressed) and you will throw the new man off your back anyway. Beth, a junior editor for a newsmagazine, had a glamorous boyfriend who was an international news correspondent. The boyfriend introduced her to b & d (bondage and discipline) and he said she was the best sex partner he ever had. Beth tried to take being tied up and his insistence on anal intercourse in stride—there was nothing sinful in sex, right? But his lack of respect for her feelings and her having to prove her love by going along with his preferences didn’t feel right. She said: I accepted a situation for way too long that made me not only uncomfortable, but miserable, because I feared he would leave me. But I enabled him to go farther with behavior that left me angry, unhappy, and desperate. If I had talked to someone, I hope it would have helped. I would have wanted to hear that it was okay for me not to be okay with his wishes and demands. Regardless of the fact that another woman might be just fine with what he wants, it wasn’t a good thing for me since it made me so unhappy.

Maybe it is natural for mothers not to tell us much about relationships with men; it’s more important that they listen to the daughters’ concerns. Therefore, you have to decide for yourself if your requirements in a man and a relationship are right for you. Usually they are. If it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t. Don’t convince yourself that you should go along with whatever a man wants because you love him, he fascinates you, or he is a good catch. If it hurts you, physically or emotionally, if he doesn’t care about you, if he doesn’t respect you and keeps pushing you, get out of the relationship since it is moving into the abuse zone. Trust what you logically know: that standards are not only okay but worth insisting on. On the other hand, if you are in an open and giving relationship, give things a try; experiment, be open to new things. SEX IS A RELATIONSHIP TOOL Sex is how you tell a man you belong with him. It’s in a language that he gets. Let’s proceed to a lesson so advanced that many women never get there. Women in the 1950s were told by advice mavens in women’s magazines to dress in pinafore and g-string, or bustier and fishnet stockings, and answer the door for their hubbies with a tray of cocktails for

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two. The idea was to preserve the heat of the marriage. My generation of women jettisoned the concept of pleasing the man. We were after our own orgasms, to hell with him (not that this was our universal attitude but it was the spirit of the times, peaking in the 1980s). Today women are stressed to have careers, boyfriends, children, etc., and might benefit from the likes of Venus, that beautiful thing, allure. If you wear a baggy sweater and black pants on New Year’s Eve, if you walk around in your mate’s view naked as if you were in a men’s locker room with no sexual tension in the air, and if you talk graphically about your sexual history or your friend’s, you have forgotten the power of allure. Martha, who works in the hospitality industry, has a knack for saying and doing the right thing. She is a born diplomat and, as a leggy, curvaceous, attractive woman who meets oodles of men, never has trouble getting dates. Her long relationship was with a photographer who left for the Black Hills of South Dakota. It was a case of sheer geography keeping Ty and Martha apart, as Martha couldn’t give up her job with an elite hotel to live an uncertain life with a freelance photographer in the wilds. She didn’t rush into dating other men between when Ty left and she turned thirtyfour (six years). Martha had so many one- or two-night stands that she didn’t recall all their names or have any inclination to. She was thinking at this stage, she told me, of the nanny ads, not the personals. This puzzled Martha’s friends, who one by one paired off with men while she was caught in the revolving door. She was attractive and social, and she had weathered a lot of sexual encounters without becoming embittered, so she figured out what was happening: I didn’t fight with them. I didn’t ask for commitment. I didn’t have past boyfriends’ pictures up in my apartment. I was even responsive in bed. But I came to realize what was wrong after I asked a good prospect, Robert, why he hadn’t called again after we had a weekend or two together. He said that he liked me but the way I took the sex in stride he figured it was ‘‘finite’’ (had limits). He said that my glamorous job, having a welldecorated apartment, and being so competent about everything was like a ‘‘closed system.’’ In effect, he felt I didn’t have room for him in my life and could not or would not adapt. That was information I found useful. I made a slight alteration and acknowledged when I had hopes with a man for love and commitment. It felt like putting the cart before the horse to share this with a date, but within a short time one of the men who had been so cool asked me out, and I let him know the sex was special and of my desire to connect, and there was 180-degree change. We have a loving relationship as a result.


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KEEPING THE CHANNELS OPEN In many aspects of life we put on a mask or tend to be a little fake. You can’t tell your new boss you preferred the old one. You tell your parents you are plenty fit to leave for France and hike across the Pyrenees next week when in fact you are heavily medicated for a head cold. You listen rapt to the recital of the beginners’ piano class. A beautiful boon of love is being completely oneself. The French call it ‘‘sans facon,’’ being casual and unpretentious, and we can well imagine that even Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie don’t put on airs when together in private. To me this hiding of one’s true thoughts and replacing them with cant is the most exhausting and heinous aspect of insincerity. I call it the need to doublethink. Right away it comes between the two people. For instance, when I broke a big garnet red bowl that had been my mate’s before I moved in with him, I said not a word. I joked to a male friend that it was the telltale bowl, but my friend, who has great discernment, said that such a matter could take on terrible proportions, and asked what I planned to do. Actually I had a plan the next time we were in a certain town to go to a fancy store where my mate had purchased two special soup bowls and say, ‘‘Well John, you know that red bowl? . . .’’ Eventually I did find a bowl with a luminous blue glaze for fifteen or twenty dollars at a Marshall’s, and he likes it, but between the time that I broke the bowl and the time I replaced it three months later, I had a twinge each time I thought of my ruse. If you have a good love, a lie insinuates, and if that lie is a terrible lie not about breaking a glass bowl, it usually poisons the relationship so you can never return to paradise. FIDELITY IS AN ABSOLUTE REQUIREMENT Most women I spoke with shake their heads at forgiving infidelity. ‘‘I wish I were like that,’’ said Sophie, ‘‘but if my husband cheated it would rend the fabric of our lives.’’ A different vantage came from Kathleen, a tutor for the SAT exams in Los Angeles. ‘‘The only reason I’d ever cheat would be lust,’’ she said. Single until forty, Kathleen is now forty-six, with a child in kindergarten, and very fulfilled. Her being happy is why I think she is of this opinion. Spouses often explain their infidelity as having drifted into a mood of wild abandon. However, I don’t know anyone to whom this happened, do you? In the movie Revolutionary Road, the Kate Winslet character has a fling because she is miserable in the suburbs and is denied a dream

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vacation to Paris, while the Leonardo DiCaprio character sleeps with another woman because he sees no way out from a job he hates. Infidelity is a diversionary tactic from an unbearable situation or an outlet for anger and resentment that has been suppressed over and over. Even if it seems to be about a search for a more suitable partner or an attempt to recapture a prior relationship, it is about utter frustration with the now, and if you are in a relationship that is in the doldrums, no matter that you and he are decent, caring people, the relationship you may have taken for granted is at risk. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN ORGASM Moms rarely get explicit with their daughters about orgasm. In the course of your personal development you learn what turns you on; you don’t just let the man determine it for you. There were cases in the 1980s of women who nursed their children longer than the norm, where the women were accused of doing it for self-gratification. One mother said that yes it was a sexual sensation, and this was considered shocking. But oxytocin, the hormone that is the letdown signal for mother’s milk to flow, is also active in the female orgasm. When you are at the outset of sexual activity you almost have to locate the source of the buzz in your body. I (Jane—first author) remember before having sex, when he went to the bathroom to put on the condom, lying in bed with one hand pressed to my pelvis, as if to locate where the response would occur and galvanize electrical force there. After childbearing, when desire returned after a month or two, I could summon up the sensations at will. The shimmering, crescendo type of climax isn’t, I (and my partner) have come to notice, related only to what he does, but to the feelings of love that emanate from the inside. Overall, the man is more mechanical; use your hands, mouth, and the love muscles and he orgasms. When I watch the man I love engaged in something where I notice him but he doesn’t notice me, chopping vegetables or carrying wood in for the woodstove, sensation cuts through my sex and radiates through my body. I am sure this excitement is on the continuum of orgasm, and that by experiencing the love in little ways my body also keeps in practice for igniting in the sex act. Most women do not reach orgasm through penetration so being responsible for your own orgasm is also important. A vibrator is not a substitute for lovemaking but a toy that can relax stress and remind the body, ‘‘These are sensations that good sex brings me.’’ Applied to different areas of the erogenous zone, notably the clitoris but also in the


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fold, the vibrator (try the ‘‘bullet’’ if you want a specific recommendation) brings a woman to the point of climax slower or faster. During the buildup there is a focusing of desire, which you can learn to summon when you engage in lovemaking. (Go to the Intimacy Room at Heartchoice.com for more detail.) SEX IS ABOUT TIMING Lovemaking is the light side of the moon. Don’t make it complicated. Sex is mostly about timing. The younger the man the more he is ever ready, the saying goes; but young men can get woozy from a few drinks, stressed out, and not connect. For our part, we need to feel beautiful and desired. One man loves sex in the morning; the other wants his tea and yoga then and is desirous at night. You are going to have to harmonize your timing . . . and just when you get it right, there’s change: a baby, or somebody has a night job or irregular schedule. IN SEX THERE IS NO EXCESS Only making love a lot gives you confidence in the art of lovemaking. Between a man and a woman there is always a synapse for the electricity to jump. When you are new lovers, there is the unknowableness the two of you will encounter. That is because you and he are two halves of a whole. Having frequent energetic bed play brings the two halves together, just as sleeping in each other’s arms helps, too. THE RELATIONSHIP CHECKLIST FOR YOUR NEW MAN When you get past the first couple of dates, look for specific things he does that tell you if he has the basics. Pay attention to what he does, not what he says. He says, ‘‘I hate liars,’’ but lies; he says, ‘‘I’d like to sit on the bank and fish this summer,’’ when he’s a workaholic who doesn’t stop and smell the flowers. Identity if he has the following characteristics. Note that if a man has at least the first three of the ten basics, you can trust him and he respects you, you can move ahead: 1. Trustworthiness (honest with you and with money in business dealings) 2. Respect for you (your religion, your values; he doesn’t have to agree or favor them, just honor that these are important values for you)

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3. Positive attitude towards and respect for his own health (not selfdestructive, addicted to alcohol or drugs, or a hypochondriac) 4. Passionate about something good outside himself (a measure of altruism) 5. Likes what he does 6. Has a lot of interests that are similar to yours 7. Chemistry is there. Sparks fly. 8. Sexually attractive to you (this has nothing to do with whether your friends find him cute) 9. Loves you 10. Sexually attracted to you A FAVORITE QUALITY TO LOOK FOR For a relationship to succeed it must be with a man who is on a learning curve. To me (Jane—first author) the most important is his ability to grow. Has he changed his mind in a healthy direction in the past? Does he admit to having made mistakes? Has he sought out knowledge, become a healthier, more flexible person instead of a more rigid one (become more open-minded)? I can’t live with snobbism but I can live with a high-strung man. I can enjoy life with a man who has very limited means but I cannot live with a man who is careless about spending. I don’t have to feel on the same wavelength with a man, but I have to want to lick his body all over—be attracted to him. The idea that he can grow and I can too means to me that the relationship is a creative act . . . and that’s more exciting that any vacation, possession, or luxury. ALLOW FOR FLAWS When in the first stages of a relationship, it is essential to put some slack in the line and allow for quirks. I know a man of arresting good looks and sophistication who wears white gym socks with his better clothes. I know a virile, well-read builder who is so inseparable from his dog that he hardly goes anyplace without Max. . . . Now you could handle all that, couldn’t you? At some point, after being mate-less, we all need a free card to pass jail for some awkward habits we’ve developed! DON’T SETTLE There are lots of people out there who are wonderful, delightful, and lovable . . . and yet not good relationship candidates. Let’s say you have


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identified the early signs of lack of relationship readiness and he meets none of your emotional needs, needs which you can only satisfy by dating freely and getting pieces here and there from various other men and your friends. If you put up with this for five years you are going to be achingly lonely. Move on. Better now than later. WHAT MAMA DID TELL ME As for my own mother, she did pass on some original gems of wisdom that have tested out as indispensable: • You can surmount any obstacle if love is present (well—most of them anyway). • Every couple clashes but try to have the suffering in pinpricks. (Keep arguments short and don’t wage a battle you can’t get over by bedtime.) • It’s okay to pursue a man. Ladies Choice will flatter him but you have to allow the love to happen. (In other words, ‘‘You Can’t Hurry Love.’’) • Trust in your destiny; if it’s meant to be it will be. • If your heart is breaking over a love affair, know that the anguish will cure with time and it shows you have a warm heart and are therefore made for love.

IN CONCLUSION: SEVEN RULES FOR A MAN SEARCH Mama might also cook the magic potion down to seven rules that govern searching for a man of your dreams. These are good to go no matter your age from twenty to seventy. 1. Past. Know that it’s normal for emotions of your last relationship to frustrate you. But you will get over him (completely), have no sexual regrets, and be ready to move on (and you will be ahead for all of it). 2. Now. Fake it until you make it. It’s okay to feel needy and desperate. That means you are a loving individual. You don’t have to show it though, as it’s not socially approved of today. 3. Search. Take every systematic measure to meet somebody; accept dates from all sane, sincere, and decent men, and give those men the time of day, because you need to spread your net, and because your politeness and kindness (the Golden Rule) will be rewarded. Include Internet dating. Match.com has over a million potential partners; you only need one.

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4. Goal. Decide how you feel about commitment and marriage, and be firm about asking for what you want. If you want to be single at fifty, okay. If you like the feeling of interdependency so much you want to be married at twenty-two, go for that. But think about it because there’s causality between what you wish and what happens. Especially for a woman, if you say girlfriend/boyfriend is okay and ask no more, the man will take your cue and you’ll stay single. 5. Until. Between dates, put energy into self-development, not ‘‘What is he thinking?’’ or ‘‘What is he going to do?’’ That means exercise, spending time with female friends, personal luxuries. 6. Passion. Be an interested/interesting partner. Show interest in what he is passionate about and bring something to the table that you are passionate about. 7. Wait. Wait for sex. While wait for sex is last on our list of rules, it is the ball game. Have sex very early in the relationship and it risks his capacity to ever move you from the slut to the girlfriend/wife category. Wait and you both win. Besides, you are worth waiting for, right?

7 Daddy: What He Wouldn’t Tell You about Sex

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. —Jim Bishop

If your father talked to you about men, he’s one in a thousand. If he

said anything that was helpful, he would be one in a million. But fathers know about men. They just fear telling their daughters what they are getting into. MEN ARE SLOW TO MATURE

My (Jane—first author) own father thought it was correct to not address issues that were my mother’s domain, i.e., human relationships of all kinds. As an adult, I had moved back in and was living with my parents for what turned out to be five months, after having a baby whose father wasn’t and would never be on the scene. My father just tightened his lips and told me that I shouldn’t have sent the baby’s father away but should have agreed to marry him. ‘‘Marry him!’’ I shouted back. ‘‘He won’t admit to ever having been a boyfriend. Why, at the hospital he pretended to be a cousin; otherwise he wouldn’t have come up to the maternity floor!’’ My father took in this new information and gave me his beetle-browed look. ‘‘That’s bad,’’ he said. ‘‘The fellow needs to catch up.’’ The editor of the Modern Love feature in the New York Times asked readers to write in what they thought the biggest problem was in malefemale relationships. The most frequent response of women was, ‘‘He was a jerk. He didn’t know what he wanted.’’ The most frequent response from men was, ‘‘I was a jerk. I didn’t know what I wanted.’’

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The men and women agreed on something! The reason for the congruence relates to what my father said—that men have catching up to do. Maternal instincts are largely innate in a woman, who cuddles her baby doll as she was held and cuddled by her own mother. She dresses up to please, as her mother does. Qualities of listening and compassion also come naturally to her whereas the male may never develop them or do so more slowly. Leigh Cousins, a relationship counselor and educator specializing in evolutionary psychology said, ‘‘Men are famously inarticulate about their feelings, because their own feelings are more opaque to themselves than ours are. Men simply do not know what they feel a lot of the time. Often they grab the self-deprecating explanation because it gets the conversation finished.’’1 Cousins suggested the biological reasons why men are out of touch with their emotions: ‘‘Men don’t benefit from showing their emotions the way women do. A woman in need, one who is crying or seems helpless, is likely to attract help and sympathy, whereas a man who cries or seems weak is going to be stomped on by his rivals and shunned by women.’’2 Males learn quickly that weakness is a liability whereas for females it summons help. Males have been taught to ignore physical pain (‘‘Get up son . . . that didn’t hurt did it?’’) and to be cautious about revealing ‘‘soft’’ emotions (doing so will invite being taken advantage of). In contrast, males find it easier to display ‘‘hard’’ emotions such as anger, competitiveness, and aggression since these translate into power and control. This model of gender differences is partial, but applying it to our romances we cut the man slack for his unrefined behaviors (e.g., not treating his parents with respect and not changing diapers). There is a wide variety of men who are single and dating, from those who want relationship and commitment (and haven’t experienced or can’t get it) to those who don’t want to end the party. Geoff, a civil engineer who takes his sailing vessel from Canada to his home in New Zealand, put it like this: ‘‘Men don’t really grow up until they are forty. And in some cases never.’’ I’ve seen eternal boys change into doting dads when their innate paternal instincts are awakened. However, it’s precarious to think the immature man will mature once he’s plucked off the vine. They may have developed joy in their lifestyle and have no intention of changing. My friend Leigh notes, ‘‘They have affairs, they buy stuff they can’t afford, they drink with their pals instead of coming home to fold the laundry like they promised.’’ You should either enjoy playing with no expectation of a relationship or future, or leave them.

Daddy: What He Wouldn’t Tell You

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MEN ARE SLOWER TO ENGAGE EMOTIONALLY While guys want to get laid, they also want to emotionally connect with a woman. They are used to being loved and adored and need to feel that they are. It is the woman who brings them in, lets them experience the emotional context, which some men want more of. In You Didn’t Hear It from Us, two bartenders-turned-researchers advise women on bar etiquette, on how to ‘‘make sure the end of the evening is at least as much fun as the beginning and the middle of it,’’ by being true to themselves. The authors have thirty combined years as bartenders, observing men and women in an upscale bar scene, and on this they base their endorsement of the concept that ‘‘women are the keepers of sex, whereas men are the keepers of romance. That means we each want what the other has. . . . Men have a much harder time with their emotions—they’re trained from childhood to deny how they’re feeling. Think about how often you hear parents telling little boys not to cry. No wonder it’s so hard to communicate with each other. No wonder it’s so easy just to have sex and split.’’3 MEN ARE MORE UNFAITHFUL THAN WOMEN Twice as much. About a quarter of husbands report that they have had an affair and about half that percentage of wives (12.5 percent).4 The biological explanation is that men are wired for variety as is 95 percent of the animal kingdom. The more women he mates with, the greater the chance his genes are passed on. In contrast, women are nest builders and focused on the brood at home rather than fertilizing new eggs. Women who have affairs do so more for the emotional adoration than the sex. MEN ARE MORE CONTROLLING THAN WOMEN While both partners try to control the other to conform to their image of a partner and the agenda for the relationship, men have more resources of control: their incomes are considerably higher and they are more marketable than a woman with two children. The result is that women may defer to the wishes of their man. MEN PROBLEM-SOLVE WHEREAS WOMEN DISCUSS It’s often said that men tend to be problem solvers, while women like to discuss things. If you are troubled about something and bring it up to a

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man, he is likely to want to tell you the solution. You may not want this at all—you just want to talk. It’s usually better to talk to women when you just want to talk, and when you want a quick-fix suggestion, ask a man. There’s a snag if you simply want to talk about a problem with a man you are intimate with. If he offers a solution and you don’t follow it or reject it as unimportant, he may think you don’t value his opinion—or him. MOST MEN HAVE A PAST Maybe it’s easier if he never said ‘‘I love you’’ to another woman, and has never been engaged. But, hey, if another woman has lived with him, he is going to be more attuned to sharing with another person. And if he has loved before, he has the capacity for love. Sometimes it’s the little things that show the man is domesticated (by having previously lived with someone): he doesn’t bark when your skin products are piled up on the bathroom sink, and he waits in the car patiently while you do one or two last things in the house. MEN ARE VAIN BUT YOU CAN MAKE SUGGESTIONS More men today are buffing to look attractive beyond the traditional reasons of being stronger and healthier. They are looking into mirrors more as they check out their muscles. Notwithstanding this trend, men are less vain than women. This means that if you want a man to change, and it relates to his attire, haircut, and even possibly his weight, you can speak out about it. You appeal indirectly to his attractiveness, sentimental side, and comfort. Thus you can tell him that it’s a good thing he wears white athletic socks with dress clothes because that has saved him from other women . . . for you. Or you love to catch sight of him in a crowd with his fire orange high school baseball jacket, and if he saves it for special occasions he’ll be able to pass it on to one of your children. As for the fact he wears dress shirts his mother bought him in college despite the yellow line at the collar and the fact his neck size is an inch bigger, you don’t say that it looks dorkish but that his circulation will improve if he replaces it with new ones. Also, men often do not lap up a woman’s praise of their looks. If a woman likes to gush ‘‘You are so handsome,’’ the man may find it offkey. So be subtle: ‘‘Michelangelo’s David is beautiful but if I could figuresculpt, I’d do you.’’ Men are also fond of being complimented on the


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appearance and performing vigor of their sexual apparatus. This may escape a woman’s attention because our anatomy is largely invisible to the eye, and perhaps not a preoccupation, even in puberty. Men, however, are pleased pink if you sincerely admire their equipment. MEN DON’T LIKE TO TALK TO WOMEN ABOUT THEIR PAST GIRLFRIENDS Men don’t feel the urge to talk about previous girlfriends the way women have the urge to share about previous boyfriends. This has to do with the fear that you may think him a womanizer; he fears your rejection and he doesn’t want the relationship to go south. Don’t press him. It is wonderful how you don’t confront old ghosts with a man the way he encounters them with us. Let’s enjoy that and don’t make a big deal out of it. NO MAN WILL FULFILL ALL OF YOUR NEEDS Dr. Phil’s ‘‘80 percent solution,’’ that the perfect fit is a myth, explains why our women friends seem perfect. We simply aren’t asking them to answer all our needs. We feel good around them and always look forward to seeing and talking with them, whereas we ask more, and indeed too much, from a man. ‘‘Instead of wasting time searching for an exact match, look for the guy who is free of the deal breakers, and has 80 percent of what you do want in a partner,’’ advises Dr. Phil.5 SOME MEN ENJOY BEING HELPED Women are nurturers and want to be of help. We want to have an impact, and be that special, wonderful, magical person who comes into the other person’s life and makes it better. I (Jane—first author) have replayed the Beauty and the Beast scenario sometimes in my relationships. I am attracted to diamonds in the rough, the terrific yet flawed guy who, with my wise and magical influence, will become perfect because I have the answer to his problems. Needless to say, there have been beasts who stayed beasts. There have also been men who flourished and we flourished as a couple. Equality and supporting each other in the two-sided support system surely outlasts the giver-and-taker dyad. SOME EXES THINK YOU ARE ALWAYS SEXUALLY AVAILABLE Once a woman has slept with a man, it seems to be wired in his mind that she will sleep with him again. Yet for women, who seem to bear

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the mark emotionally of being penetrated, it can be very bad news. The past is stirred up psychologically, and you get detoured. Said my dear friend Fiona, ‘‘Even my first husband, the abusive, alcoholic, sex addict deviant, actually believed I would want to sleep with him again once I got away from him.’’ If you and he have called it quits but are still in the same vicinity before he leaves for Vladivostok, he may think, ‘‘Last big night for sex.’’ Certainly many ex-boyfriends think nostalgically that you and he will periodically come together again, and your answer is never! SOME MEN ARE BETTER THE SECOND TIME AROUND However, you may want him back . . . for good. If you and he spend at least a year apart after a breakup you both thought was definitive, then you are not doing a kiss-and-make-up but coming together as two newish people who shared something you think is worth recapturing. Said Paulie, twenty-five: My friends think I’m crazy. He cheated twice when we were together and he broke my heart. Then his older brother died and he went to pieces. I told him I could make him happy, save him from drink, that sort of thing. He said he loved me but just wanted to be friends. I know that by giving him space I got him back and we were engaged four years later. My mother said she didn’t believe in destined lovers until she saw us. He was my friend from grade school and I know him well enough to believe he’ll be faithful to me now.

MEN ARE VISUAL Men are turned on by the nude female body. Since adolescence they have looked at girlie magazines and pornography. They rarely tire of it. Indeed, the perpetuation of the species depends on the male getting a hard-on when he sees a naked female. Suppose he didn’t? There would be no penetration, no fertilized egg, and no offspring. How should you respond? Women vary from watching porn with their partners as a prelude to sex to making a fuss about his watching. The fuss only results in his doing it when you aren’t around, just as you will eat double-fudge chocolate chip cookies when he isn’t around. Unless he is addicted so that porno watching is relentless and obsessional, interferes with his job and relationship with you (we know of one woman who said, ‘‘After he looks at porn all day and jacks off,


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there’s nothing left for me’’), don’t make a big deal of it. His visual delight in the female form only confirms that his wiring and testosterone are working—from which you will benefit. MEN ARE RELUCTANT TO COMMIT It is not just a shibboleth that men are commitment-phobic. What they will do is execute Houdini-like twists and turns to get out of a relationship that complicates their lives. If you go after a man who doesn’t have the space in his life for you, he will escape from long-term commitment. The reason for this dodge and weave is his wanting to be free to keep his sexual options open. He knows if he commits, you will require him to give up other women—not a thought of interest for him. I’ve met plenty of these magicians. When I lived in New York City, I had affairs with a news correspondent from Rome who was unable to divorce because of Italian laws at that time, a photographer for nature documentaries, an actor in spaghetti Westerns, and a roue whose wife accepted his affairs. Jiminy, none of them wanted to commit! But men change and 95 percent end up getting married. You just have to catch them at the right time. This is usually when they are into their early thirties (at least), have been through a series of women, and are disenchanted with the revolving door. Some are also ready for daddy land. You just have to catch Peter Pan at the right time, when he is ready to settle into complete manhood. Ruth, a flight attendant, met an investment banker in San Francisco who was here and there again and gone tomorrow—and at forty-two, sick of living out of hotel rooms and having casual affairs. Ruth said, ‘‘Jon is so grateful to be in a stable marriage whereas my previous husband pushed for an open marriage because he felt he hadn’t lived.’’ Women are not immune to the revolving door and tiring of it. As the Russian princess Sofka Zinovieff wrote in her diary: As you know, over these years I’ve gone to bed merrily with anyone who seemed pleasant and entertaining. It was an agreeable pastime, good exercise, and meant a very little for a week or two, a day or two, an evening. Fizzy like champagne and flat as quickly. But no sooner does one’s emotion become involved than physical attraction for anyone else disappears. I could no more at present go to bed with anyone else than jump into a cesspool.6

This quote reflects the revelations of a reformed, outspoken thinker who had believed in free love through much of adulthood. The attitude

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is similar to the numerous Peter Pans out there who gave up the magic of flying for an exclusive relationship at last. LET THE MAN DEAL WITH YOUR KINKS, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND Because you are a woman who likes to bring joy, and doubly if you are the younger or youngest in birth order, cheeriness is your thing—a quality others learn to count on. But when you are mating, hold out for a partner who is normal and of happy disposition. Let him deal with your kinks or neuroses, not the other way around. Normalness rubs off. I’m with a retired lawyer who shares on an intellectual plane and is capable of closeness, but what is most deeply satisfying is how the seasons govern his activities largely. If it’s late winter he’s planning the garden, early spring he’s working clearing out the brush before the ticks wake up, and last summer he took a canning workshop when his crop of tomatoes was ample. I appreciate his natural order. And as a close friend told me at an earlier time when I was struggling with my exfiance and wondering whether I could make things work again: ‘‘Look, you don’t want to marry someone because you think you could make him happy. It’s a lot easier to marry someone who is already happy.’’ MEN WANT JUST THREE THINGS IN A SEXUAL PARTNER Here are some truisms about men your daddy just wouldn’t know how to talk about. 1. Men like an enthusiastic partner. He not only wants you to enjoy him but to enjoy the sexual experience yourself. He wants you to get yours, too. If you don’t, he knows he’s the only one on the ride. 2. Men like variety. So mix it up. Different positions, different places, different attire, you name it. Do it all. Keep him guessing what tonight will be like. 3. Men like aggressiveness. They tire of always initiating sex. They want you to show interest by letting him know you want it. So say, ‘‘Come on, big boy . . . it’s time.’’ THERE ARE SOME MEN TO AVOID There are men you do not want to tangle with for more than a flirtation. These are men who are violent, abusive, and controlling. They inflict


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misery and have no concept of reciprocity. They also lie and have multiple affairs. No woman in her right mind wants to live with these men. This is why counselors, song lyrics, and women we trust will remind us that we can’t change the man. Push the delete button. NOTES 1. Leigh Cousins, personal communication with Jane Merrill, March 6, 2009. 2. Ibid. 3. Dashan Zaric and Jason Kosmas, You Didn’t Hear It from Us (New York: Atria Books, 2006), 159. 4. Y. K. Djamba, M. J. Crump, and A. G. Jackson, ‘‘Levels and Determinants of Extramarital Sex’’ (paper presented at the Southern Sociological Society, Charlotte, NC, March 2005). 5. Phil McGraw, Love Smart: Find the One You Want, Fix the One You Got (New York: Free Press, 2005), 29. 6. Sofka Zinovieff, The Red Princess (New York: Pegasus, 2007), 311.

8 Infidelity: Relationship Poison

False face must hide what the false heart doth know. —Shakespeare, Macbeth

In our Internet survey of 429 people, 40 percent reported that their

partner’s infidelity had been difficult to cope with; 36 percent reported that they (the respondents) had been unfaithful. Clearly, affairs are an issue in the relationship landscape. One woman said: My long-term boyfriend asked if I would give him a ‘‘free ticket’’ to have sex with another woman at some point in our lives. I said I would give him all the freedom he wanted, and dumped him.

The desire for one’s man to be faithful and the pain that ensues when he is not are described by the wife of politician John Edwards, whose affair was exposed in 2008: I spent months learning to live with a single incidence of infidelity. And I would like to say that a single incidence is easy to overcome, but it is not. I am who I am. I am imperfect in a million ways, but I always thought I was the kind of woman, the kind of wife to whom a husband would be faithful. I had asked for fidelity, begged for it, really, when we married. I never need flowers or jewelry; I don’t care about vacations or a nice car. But I need you to be faithful. Leave me, if you must, but be faithful to me if you are with me.1

Her husband was not the man she thought and the ground was pulled out beneath her feet: she was shattered and lost. When she decided to stay in the marriage she was perplexed how ever to trust again. Only an exceedingly strong character (personal formation, religious faith, and love for her family) carried her into a healthy perspective: I am

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more than this indiscretion and when the weather of my life is stormy I can adjust my sails. WHO CHEATS? In the view of both authors of this book, fidelity is a higher order of relationship that requires vigilance, and reaps great benefits. It is a strong base for relationship happiness when contrasted with the destructive effects of splintering one’s sexual life to have sex with people outside the relationship. Researchers have found various factors (personal and situational) associated with spouses who are more likely to have extramarital sex. These include: being a male, having a strong interest in sex, having permissive sexual values, being unhappy in one’s existing relationship, working outside the home, not attending church, having a lot of sexual opportunities, having higher social status (power and money), and abusing alcohol.2,3,4 Spouses least likely to have affairs are emotionally and sexually happy with each other, are religious, are not in long-distance relationships, report having had few lifetime sexual partners, and have friends who are faithful to their partners. TYPES OF AFFAIRS Affairs range from hooking up with a stranger for a one-time encounter to an extended love/sex relationship. Hooking Up The old term for ‘‘hooking up’’ is ‘‘one-night stand,’’ which typically refers to meeting a stranger, having a few drinks, and ending up in bed. Often the love partners are in a long-distance relationship or one is on a business trip and in a context where he or she drifts into sex with the stranger. The hookups typically part in the morning and do not see each other again. Previous Lover Most partners come to a relationship having had previous lovers. Sometimes these lovers resurface and a sexual reconnection occurs. When the partner finds out, a sense of devastating betrayal usually follows.

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Continued Love Affair Some infidelities are continued for years. Even though the partners are married or pair-bonded with someone else, they maintain this connection to each other. The illicit partners are in love with each other (or say they are) and there are other defining facets to their relationship than sex. Although the actual frequency of their sexual encounters may be very low, they both envision subsequent encounters and savor the memories of past sexual trysts. In one case, a career woman and man worked in the same department for twenty-three years and never had anything sexually to do with each other unless they were out of town. This happened once a year at a convention. They never discussed leaving their partners or children; they just had sex with each other in the context of their mutually understood relationship. Office Partner More common than hooking up, a one-time reconnect with an old lover, or a continued love affair is a fling that evolves with an office worker. The workers see each other daily, share stories about their respective lives, and end up having sex. It can be a one-time thing but, more often, becomes a regular happening and a mess for the partners and their respective relationships. Its potential for destruction is much greater than the long-term love affair mentioned above. In the office partner model, the partners see each other frequently, have sex whenever they can manage it, and sometimes leave their spouses over the affair. Open Relationship While not technically an affair since each partner knows about it, the result is that the partners end up having sex with someone else. In a typical open relationship, the partners will market themselves as a couple looking for adventurous sex with another adventurous couple. Various ‘‘swinger’’ magazines or Internet sites provide connections to like-minded couples. Open relationships are less vulnerable to relationship damage since there is no secrecy or dishonesty. The rules typically include that the man and woman in the relationship view themselves as the primary relationship and that while each may have sexual encounters with others, these are infrequent and not designed to replace the primary partner. What often happens is that a swinging couple will meet with a like-minded couple for drinks at a local bar then go back to the house of

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one of the couples. The spouses will split off and have sex with the new partners in separate bedrooms and meet back in the living room after an hour or so for coffee. Each is aware that the other has had sex with someone else. Paid Sex One man reported that he was seated at a bar in an expensive New York hotel when he was approached by an older woman who asked, ‘‘Want some company?’’ She pointed to a beautiful young woman in a booth on the other side of the room and said that she was his for $500 and that she was ‘‘worth it.’’ He agreed and left with the younger woman to his hotel room. They spent an hour or so in pursuit of his pleasure and she left. Bar girls represent one of several varieties of prostitutes. Men also pick up streetwalkers in large cities, have call girls come to their room (e.g., former New York governor Eliot Spitzer), or go to a massage parlor which specializes in ‘‘happy endings.’’ Brothels legally exist in Las Vegas and are featured on Home Box Office’s Cathouse. Patrons (men or women) walk in the front door, pick a girl from a lineup, and go to her room to ‘‘negotiate’’ and enjoy the ‘‘party.’’ Some patrons spend $10,000 a night. Most large cities have strip bars or an upscale ‘‘gentlemen’s club’’ where the guy has a lap dance in the back room. This usually does not involve explicit sex but can result in the girl getting the man off. The level of guilt, regret, and trouble for the relationship with one’s partner is variable. Some men experience no guilt or regret and their partners surmise that boys will be boys. Other men feel considerable remorse and regret and their partners feel betrayed. Computer Affair In addition to the above types of affairs is the computer or Internet affair. Although legally an affair does not exist unless intercourse is involved, an online affair can be equally as disruptive to a couple’s relationship. Computer friendships may evolve into feelings of intimacy, secrecy (one’s partner does not know the level of involvement), or sexual tension (even though there is no overt sex), and take time, attention, energy, and affection away from one’s partner. Schneider5 studied ninety-one women who had experienced serious adverse consequences from their partner’s cybersex, including loss of interest in relational sex; feeling hurt, betrayed, rejected, abandoned, lonely, and jealous; and anger over being constantly lied to. These women noted that the cyber

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affair was as emotionally painful as an off-line affair and that the cybersex addiction of their partners became a major problem in their relationship. Cramer and colleagues6 also noted that women become more upset when their man is emotionally unfaithful with another woman, while men become more upset when their partner is sexually unfaithful with another man. WHY DO LOVERS CHEAT? Lovers report a number of reasons for cheating on their partners. Variety/Novelty A story of President and Mrs. Coolidge illustrates how sexual variety is one explanation for infidelity: One day the President and Mrs. Coolidge were visiting a government farm. Soon after their arrival they were taken off on separate tours. When Mrs. Coolidge passed the chicken pens she paused to ask the man in charge if the rooster copulates more than once a day. ‘‘Dozens of times,’’ was the reply. ‘‘Please tell that to the President,’’ Mrs. Coolidge requested. When the President passed the pens and was told about the rooster, he asked, ‘‘Same hen every time?’’ ‘‘Oh no, Mr. President, a different one each time.’’ The President nodded slowly, then said, ‘‘Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.’’7

From an evolutionary perspective, both men and women are biologically wired for sexual variety. For the record, this doesn’t mean they are destined to be cheats or can’t override their predilections, only that there are some evolutionary forces going on. Since the biological goal of most species is to reproduce and to ensure that one’s genes are carried forward, the male does not find it easy to turn down a female that is sexually available to him. The more women he inseminates, the more likely his genes survive. What does the female get out of the deal? She acquires resources. The more males she has sex with, the greater the chance that she can get them to help her: with money, food, or child care. So while in the real world men don’t need to have sex with ten women so that they can have ten children and prove that their genes will move forward, and women don’t need men for money or food, these wirings are often beneath the surface and work as soft propellers when an opportunity arises.

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Unhappy Relationship When partners become bored with each other, they become vulnerable to someone new who will provide uncomplicated (no hassles) gratification. Satiation is a psychological principle that is technically defined as ‘‘a stimulus loses its value with repeated exposure.’’ Translated, this means that partners may tire of being with each other. A new person is exciting. Unfulfilling Sex One source of relationship dissatisfaction is an unfulfilling sexual relationship. Some partners seek sex outside their relationship because their partner is not interested in sex. Others may go outside the relationship because their partners will not engage in the sexual behaviors they want and enjoy. A man thinks, ‘‘My wife turns her face away when I enter her; will I never have a partner who truly enjoys sex?’’ and a woman thinks, ‘‘I wonder what it would be like to have a man go down on me instead of requiring my services for oral sex?’’ The unwillingness of the partner to engage in oral sex, anal intercourse, or a variety of sexual positions sometimes results in the other partner looking elsewhere for a more cooperative and willing sexual partner. Separation from Partner Long-distance relationships, military deployments, and meeting someone on the Internet who lives several states away are commonplace and mean that partners may be separated from each other for long periods of time. Such separations set up a context of vulnerability to meeting someone new and connecting with the one near at hand sexually. Office Romance Working in most offices is a boring way to make a living. It is also a way to meet a lover. ‘‘I fantasized about cutting a skylight in the ceiling,’’ said Kirk, a city manager in the Midwest. ‘‘Then a new public health officer was hired, and I thought about her all the time so I didn’t want the weekend to come. If she hadn’t turned me down flat I would have ruined my career and marriage.’’ It’s no secret that many affairs begin during the eight hours of togetherness at the office. In one sense, the office creates the context for love to develop. First, both partners always look their best. They are showered, perfumed, and look like models ready to climb the corporate ladder. Second, they don’t have all

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day to romance, only a few snatches here and there: at the water fountain, at lunch, or in the elevator. This limited amount of time gives added significance to the time they do have together. And third, there are no kids around to interfere with the dialogue, no toys to trip on, and no electric bills or dirty laundry or all of the other negative things that are present in one’s at-home marriage. The result is that some office workers begin flirting with each other to counter the boredom of the job. Such flirting over time turns to conversations about one’s life and marriage (‘‘Things are a little stale’’). Then there is a drink or two after work, a kiss, and the affair begins. What began as a hello may end in the dilemma to stay with one’s spouse and kids or leave with the lover. Revenge What’s good for the goose is good for the gander is the rationale that many partners use for having an affair. One husband noted that his wife had been having an affair for a couple of years before he found out and that he was going to catch up and have some affairs of his own. ‘‘I’ve been faithful to her all along but all bets are off now,’’ he said. Women are less apt to seek an affair for revenge but may use it to justify an affair once they have drifted into one. ‘‘I know that he has been playing around since we got married and I’ve really looked the other way, but now that somebody has shown an interest in me, I’m certainly not going to turn him down,’’ said one woman. Neglect A neglected partner is a vulnerable partner. One spouse involved in an affair said to the mate: You’re too busy with your work . . . and don’t pay any attention to me. And when you do have free time you’re off with your friends having fun. I’ve been asking myself for six years where do I fit into your life and the answer is I don’t. Well, I’ve found someone who wants and needs me and I’m in too deep to turn back now.

Aging A longing for youth is another explanation for an affair. Our society sends the message that it is good to be young and bad to be old. Sexual attractiveness is equated with youth, and having an affair may confirm to an older partner that he or she is still sexually desirable. Also, people

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may try to recapture the love, excitement, adventure, and romance associated with youth by having an affair. A neurotic person thinks, ‘‘This is my last chance before I really fall apart.’’ Homosexual Relationship Some homosexual individuals get involved in a heterosexual relationship as a cover for their homosexuality. Cole Porter, known for ‘‘I’ve Got You under My Skin,’’ ‘‘Night and Day,’’ and ‘‘Easy to Love,’’ was a homosexual who feared no one would buy or publish his music if his sexual orientation were known. He married Linda Lee Porter (alleged to be a lesbian), and they had an enduring marriage for thirty years. Other gay individuals may become involved in a heterosexual relationship as a way of denying their homosexuality. These individuals are likely to feel sexually unfulfilled in these relationships and may seek a same-sex relationship. Other individuals may pair bond or marry, and discover later in life that they are drawn to same-sex relationships. Such individuals may feel that: • They have been homosexual or bisexual all along; • Their sexual orientation has changed from heterosexual to homosexual or bisexual; • They are unsure of their sexual orientation and want to explore a homosexual relationship; or • They are predominately heterosexual but wish to experience a homosexual relationship for variety. HOW AN AFFAIR HAPPENS: THREE STAGES Affairs follow a predictable three-stage sequence: Stage One: An Openness/Availability Affairs begin with a readiness on the part of an individual to reach out for someone other than her or his partner. The availability can take the form of a smile, a hello, a suggestion to have lunch, talking about personal/nonjob-related issues, or a more-than-affectionate hug. Once these behaviors occur and the other partner reinforces them (smiles back, returns the hello, says ‘‘lunch where?’’ etc.), the basic seeds of the affair have been sown. But to avoid appearing too forward or to run the risk of being rejected, each partner may act as though he or she is unaware that something is going on between them while still continuing to escalate the relationship with additional smiles, personal talk, etc.

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Once each partner is confident that he or she can engage in flirting and that the new prospect will flirt back, the first stage of an affair has occurred. Sometimes this stage of an affair occurs so quickly that the partners aren’t even aware of what is happening to them until they start looking forward to the next time they will see each other. The subtle nature of the development of the first stage of an affair is illustrated in the experience of Nancy: It happened before I knew it. I’m a receptionist in a physician’s office and meet new people every day. One day a drug salesman came in to see the physicians and, while he was waiting, we began to talk. I thought nothing of the banter, only that I enjoyed it. As he left the office, he said ‘‘goodbye’’ and that was it. Two weeks later he was back, we bantered again, except this time as he left he asked if I would join him for lunch. It was terrific! We talked about our spouses and children (I guess to reduce any guilt we might have had for having lunch together and to get on record that we cared about our families). The lunch ended with an understanding that since we hadn’t done anything wrong it would be nice to have lunch again when he was in town.

Stage Two: Fun Once the partners are comfortable saying to each other that they want to get together again, they lose their former inhibitions about telling the partner how much fun they have when they are with the partner. Each makes it clear to the other that he or she has unique qualities and meets special needs that are not currently being met by the current spouse or partner. Specific phrases lovers in this stage say to each other include: • • • • • • •

‘‘I feel as if you really understand me.’’ ‘‘You are very easy to talk to.’’ ‘‘There is something very special about being with you.’’ ‘‘I’m happiest when I’m with you.’’ ‘‘I think about you all the time when I’m away from you.’’ ‘‘I can’t wait to see you when we’re apart.’’ ‘‘I really like you.’’

At the tionship, touching, advances

same time these positive labels are being applied to the relathe physical aspect of the relationship begins to escalate: holding, and kissing. If the partner reciprocates each of these (touches back, returns the hug, kisses back), each partner

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assumes that the way to intercourse is clear. Some feel starved for physical contact. One wife said: My husband is always too busy with his work and makes me feel like he is doing me a favor to make love to me. I’ve really felt hurt and rejected by his neglecting me and have felt emotionally and sexually starved. I have recently met someone who makes me feel wonderful, we can talk for hours, and he loves making love to me.

This second stage involves more frequent get-togethers. Passion takes over and the partners arrange their lives so as to see each other whenever possible. ‘‘I knew I was beginning to become reckless and to take chances, but it got to the point I didn’t care what the price. . . . I just wanted to be with my lover,’’ said one partner. Some affairs stop at this stage. The two people see each other occasionally, enjoy each other passionately, and in between times relish the knowledge that they love and are loved by someone special even though they can’t be with each other. They may continue the affair for years until the death of one partner. Stage Three: The Spouse Finds Out Because an affair involves intense emotion, it is not unusual for one or both to escalate the relationship. This escalation often results in terminating the affair and the end of one’s marriage or relationship with the partner. Once the lovers define themselves as being in love they start taking chances, seeing each other as often as possible until their relationship becomes visible to the spouse or significant other. In one case, a woman came home early from work to find her husband in bed with his office mate. In another case, a man called his lover’s house to talk with her and said, ‘‘You were great’’ while her husband was listening on the kitchen phone. In still another case, a man left a matchbook in his coat pocket of a place he and his wife had never been. When his wife confronted him, he confessed. STAGES OF ADJUSTMENT TO A PARTNER’S AFFAIR Like the stages a widow goes through when adjusting to the death of a spouse, the spouse of an unfaithful partner usually goes through several stages. These include: 1. Denial. During this stage the spouse is confronted with a number of signs that the partner is sleeping around (spends evenings out of the house, is rarely home before 2:30 a.m., makes excuses about making

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love, is uncommunicative, irritable, and so forth) yet denies to oneself that the partner is having an affair. 2. Shock. When confronted with evidence that cannot be denied (the partner tells him or her, a friend reports having seen the husband or wife with someone else out of town, discovery of a revealing e-mail), the immediate reaction of the injured party is utter shock and dismay. ‘‘How could you do this to me?’’ is the question which is often asked. 3. Withdrawal. Oftentimes a person may feel too hurt to strike back and so withdraws. Such withdrawal may take the form of going to a friend’s, drinking, or refusing to talk. This withdrawal period may be functional in that it helps the partner decide what to do next. Acting in haste is never the thing to do. 4. Acting on a decision. After the period of withdrawal is over, the partner tells the mate what he or she has decided. In some cases it is to end the relationship/marriage. In other cases a person may take responsibility for the partner’s having an affair. ‘‘If I hadn’t been so preoccupied with my own life and work, this never would have happened,’’ recalled one of the men we interviewed. In some cases, the partner will ask that the couple become involved in marriage therapy to help them get through this period. PERSONAL REACTIONS TO A PARTNER’S INFIDELITY Reactions to finding out that one’s partner has been unfaithful are variable and include relief (‘‘Now I don’t need to feel guilty about my own affair’’), rage (‘‘How could he?’’), indifference (‘‘It’s not a big deal’’), and approval (‘‘She needs some strange now and then to keep her happy’’). While some couples grow closer (‘‘It was my fault that my partner strayed . . . I was neglecting him’’), other couples break up (‘‘I can stand a lot of things, but being made a fool of is not one of them’’). One woman identified the negative effects of her husband’s affair: 1. I lost the ability to trust my husband and, after my divorce, other men. 2. I developed a negative self-concept—the reason he was having affairs is that something was wrong with me. If I had been woman enough, he would have had no need to seek other women. 3. I developed an intense hatred for my husband. It took a long time for me to recover from this crisis. I feel that through faith and religion I have emerged whole again. Years after the divorce my husband made a point of apologizing and letting me know that there was nothing wrong with me, that he was just young and stupid and not ready to be serious and committed to our marriage. You wouldn’t think by that

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time his making amends would have touched me as much as it did, but it was immensely important—a last stage of my healing.

Affairs may also have negative effects on children which may include hearing conflicts between the parents, absence of attention (since the father is not at home), and breakup of the marriage.8 Other outcomes to an affair are revealed by the persons we interviewed: A Sore That Never Heals You heal but it’s like an electrical burn. It leaves a scar, and you only know what it looks like when it grows out.

One Never Forgets The beauty of an intimate relationship is to be free from lies—live and lie together naked. After one cheats the other never takes his or her clothes off again. You need the protective covering because you can’t help thinking that the path is cut through the woods.

The End of the Marriage I think you can get past infidelity if you figure out why it happened. Distance, family troubles, and stresses can drive a person to act out. The extramarital sex was like a relief from the problems related to my child’s drug addiction, just like a drug for me. It took me time to come to my senses and get past my rebellion from having to be a responsible adult. My husband understood but hated me and we eventually divorced. I was the unfaithful one and here’s what I think: you cannot go back in time, it’s over, don’t do it again and don’t beat yourself up about it.

Fidelity Is the Better Choice . . . But . . . For a man it is an accomplishment to be truly committed; for a woman it is an accomplishment to take a lover. By this I mean that both are contrary to conventions in the history of the sexes. For both men and women being faithful is vastly simpler! I found a list of my husband’s sleeping partners. I fell apart. What especially hurt was that our friends knew and thought we had an open marriage. Now I am remarried and laugh: how like my husband to keep a list!

Unusual Source of Regret I was in a relationship going nowhere. We should have broken up a few months into it when we started being mean to each other. I had no respect

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for the relationship, and cheated on him many times. And funny—those times of infidelity aren’t what I regret—it’s actually sleeping with him for so many years and letting him treat me with anger that bothers me still.

All of the above reactions reflect a traditional American ‘‘Okay you cheated on me, I’m out of here’’ response. People in other countries may respond differently.9 In France, for example, the script is: don’t confront the partner and don’t assume that it means the end of the marriage. Rather, let time pass so that the partner has time to go through the experience without pressure or comment. The French also do not believe in confessions; many go to the grave never disclosing. WHETHER TO DISCLOSE AN INDISCRETION While some believe that telling a partner about an affair is stupid (‘‘It only leads to hurt . . . so why would you hurt your partner?’’), others believe that openness is necessary for a complete relationship (‘‘How can you be close to somebody you are lying to?’’). Comments from a couple of women we interviewed: No, Keep Your Mouth Shut I was twenty, and I was really into this guy. Honesty and full disclosure I thought were important. I thought it would make us closer, but it backfired and he became really jealous about my past and would throw it up in my face at my most vulnerable moments. He set the tone of our relationship about six months into it by doing that, and I didn’t hesitate in the future to be mean back to him, either.

It’s Not the Words My first husband had great hair and I cut it because it was fun and saved on trips to the barbershop. He knew I had cheated on him when my hands were shaking while I was giving him a haircut. I’d only slept with somebody else once, but he could tell by the lousy cut I gave him. It was a big mistake on my part. My fling ended our marriage and I learned my lesson.

CHOOSING BETWEEN PARTNER AND LOVER Soon after finding out that the mate is having an affair, the usual (American) reaction is to want the partner to terminate it and to stop seeing the other person. To this point the unfaithful partner has been able to

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have the best of both worlds: the security of a family and the excitement of a new relationship. The party is over and now the partner must choose. In general, when forced to choose, men are more likely to decide to stay with their spouse whereas women are more likely to opt for the lover. While there are exceptions, most men tend to view affairs as supplemental to their marital lives whereas most wives view their own affairs as more central. In addition, men tend to view affairs more in sexual terms whereas women tend to view them in love terms. And once a woman gets hooked on another man emotionally, it is more difficult for her to give him up than it is for a man to give an external sex partner up. In making a decision between the primary relationship and the lover, it is often helpful to keep a number of issues in mind. First, some who stray will say, ‘‘I just can’t decide.’’ But not to decide is to decide. If no decision is made to terminate the relationship with the lover, then a decision has already been made to keep the lover relationship alive (and, in most cases, to end the marriage). Second, delaying the either/or decision will not make the decision easier and the marriage or relationship with the significant other will surely suffer in the meantime. The partner who says ‘‘I need some time to think about what I’m going to do’’ is sending a clear message to the mate that ‘‘the lover is as important as you are and I’m thinking about keeping the lover and getting rid of you.’’ This can be a devastating message to receive and can reduce the wronged partner’s motivation to take the unfaithful partner back even if reconciliation is what the unfaithful partner eventually decides. Third, the person who is cheated on and who is making the decision needs to be aware that (if the marriage is a dreadfully unhappy one) the decision is already stacked in favor of the lover. The whipped-up emotions of the person who had the affair will almost certainly dictate that the lover is chosen. If the marriage or relationship is to be salvaged, he or she will have to do what is rational rather than what the emotions dictate. Why? Because we live in a society which dictates that love and happiness are the primary reasons for commitment; therefore we have a ready-made answer for when it is time for us to split or get a divorce: when the love and happiness with the partner are dead. We need to rethink this cultural programming. The act of contrasting one’s new lover with one’s prior partner will require the use of one’s brain rather than one’s heart if the

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spouse/significant other is to win this one. The decision is not an easy one. A man who cheated on his wife said of deciding what to do: I know what I should do: the right thing is for me to try to work out the relationship with my wife. If we could make our marriage like it used to be, that would really be terrific, not to mention that we wouldn’t have to tell the children that we were getting a divorce. But I don’t feel like it. I’m emotionally drawn to be with my lover. And although I know things may not work out with her, I just can’t stay away from her.

Some people resolve the dilemma by doing what they think they should do, not what they want to do. One wife said: I feel emotionally drawn to my lover. But the rational part of me says, ‘‘Don’t do it . . . don’t throw a good marriage away.’’ If I don’t give my marriage a chance, I’ll feel terribly guilty. There will always be the nagging thought that if I had tried, I could have saved my marriage. So, I’ve got to try because I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t. Besides, my husband says he is partly responsible for putting me on hold and making me vulnerable to someone else. So we’re going to give it a try.

It is often a good idea to try and work on the marriage. Indeed, most couples confronted with an affair elect to try and salvage the marriage. If it doesn’t work out, the lover will usually be available still. But if the spouse is put on hold, he or she is more likely to withdraw and end the marriage. TERMINATING WITH A LOVER Choosing the spouse or significant other will mean terminating the relationship with the lover. Doing so will not be easy, but it can be done. Your heart will ache and you will wonder if you have done the right thing. To be successful in ending a relationship with your lover you must do several things. First, tell your lover (you can do this in person, on the phone, or in e-mail—one person even instigated a breakup on Facebook, but we don’t recommend it) that you have decided to work on the relationship with your committed person or spouse and that you need to end (yes, the word end must be in the sentence you say to your lover) the affair with him or her. This implies that you will not have secret e-mails, meetings, or telephone conversations. Being this firm also

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makes it clear to the lover that it is in his or her best interest to seek other relationships because you are no longer an option. Second, don’t cheat. Even though you have told the lover it’s over, you will feel emotionally driven to make contact again. Don’t. To do so is to keep the affair with the lover alive and to destroy all hope of rebuilding the primary relationship. Third, replace positive with negative thoughts. When you are away from your lover, you will begin to think about how wonderful things were with your lover. Don’t. Replace these thoughts with negative thoughts. Rather than think about how wonderful the relationship was, think about how easy it was for him or her to cheat on his or her partner and that he or she could cheat on you. Or, rather than think about how beautiful she was, think about how much she hated children and that she would never want to have your children visit you if you were to marry her. By focusing on the negative aspects of the relationship with your lover, you can help yourself to get over the other person. STAGES OF RECOVERING FROM AN AFFAIR Sex in the City: The Movie featured the infidelity of Steve, who was married to Miranda. They ended up getting back together as do most couples once an affair is discovered. Olson and his colleagues10 identified three phases of successful recovery from the discovery of a partner’s affair (all of these phases were beautifully illustrated in the movie). The ‘‘roller coaster’’ phase involves agony at the initial discovery, which elicits an array of feelings including rage/anger, self-blame, the desire to give up, and the desire to work on the marital or primary relationship. The second phase, ‘‘moratorium,’’ involves less emotionality and a decision to try to work it out. The partners settle into a focused though tenuous commitment to get beyond the current crisis. The third phase, ‘‘trust building,’’ involves taking responsibility for the infidelity, reassurance of commitment, increased communication, and forgiveness. Couples in this phase ‘‘re-engage,’’ ‘‘open up,’’ and focus on problems leading up to the infidelity. Working through a discovered affair takes time, commitment to new behavior in the primary relationship, and forgiveness. The partners basically make a deal. The partner who had the affair makes a commitment to not repeat the behavior in exchange for the partner agreeing to work on giving up feelings of being betrayed, forgiving the partner, and not bringing up the issue again.

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Positive outcomes of having experienced and worked through infidelity include a closer marriage/relationship, increased assertiveness, placing higher value on each other, and realizing the importance of a couple’s good communication.11,12 STOP TALKING ABOUT THE AFFAIR Not talking about the affair anymore, identifying behaviors to change in each other, spending time together, and reinvesting in the sexual relationship with one’s spouse should become the new focus for you and your spouse or partner. It is imperative that the affair issue be dropped as a topic of conversation. To continue to talk about it is to keep it alive. And since it makes neither partner feel better to talk about it, drop it. Sometimes it is particularly difficult for the victim of the affair, who puzzles over ‘‘why?’’ to give up talking about it. ‘‘If I knew why he did such a thing,’’ said one wife, ‘‘maybe I could get it off my mind. I was a good sex partner, a faithful wife, and a good mother. And, damn him, he screwed around on me and I’m going nuts to know why.’’ The truth is that there is no one answer to ‘‘why?’’ and often the husband doesn’t know. To begin a search for the why is to travel an endless road. And the dialogue along the way can be very destructive for the relationship. Rather than talk about the why, it is more helpful to talk about what each partner would like for the other to do to make the partner happier. The relationships in which one of the partners has had an affair tend to have predictable characteristics: the partners don’t spend time together; they don’t communicate when they are alone; they have infrequent intercourse; and the quality of their sexual relationship is lacking. Since each of these issues has been examined elsewhere, we will not repeat these discussions here. But the result of partners who work on their relationship needs to be that they do spend time together alone (away from babies, parents, and friends), and that they feel comfortable talking with each other (and not worrying about silences when they occur). And sex is something that receives a new priority in their relationship. PREVENTING AN AFFAIR Most couples want to avoid ever having to deal with an affair again. The best affair prevention is for both partners to enjoy and value their relationship to the point where they do not seek alternatives. When a

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couple begins spending time apart, not communicating, not having sex, they become vulnerable to someone else reinforcing them. One wife said that she had been neglected long enough, that she couldn’t stand it anymore. So she called an old boyfriend while her husband was out of town and they began seeing each other. Thus it becomes the responsibility of each person to insure that his or her partner is being fed emotionally and sexually. If such needs are not met in the relationship, the partners may look outside the relationship. The message for a committed couple is clear: ‘‘If you don’t take care of the emotional and sexual needs of your partner, someone else will.’’ It is also important to trust each other. Although this may seem impossible soon after an affair has been discovered, in time we can and do develop a renewed sense of trust. Some things to do to make the trust happen more quickly include: 1. The partner who had the affair should make it a point to tell the other where he or she will be and when he or she will return. And upon returning, the partner should recount something about the event to make it absolutely clear that that is where the partner was. This should be done in the manner of general conversation-sharing rather than in a ‘‘reporting where I was’’ manner. 2. The offending partner should also provide complete access to his or her e-mail accounts, passwords, etc. The other partner has the right to read e-mails as often as he or she wants. Only by having complete access to the offending partner’s ‘‘private’’ e-mail accounts can trust be rebuilt. 3. Give yourself time. If your mate has had an affair it will take you months and sometimes years to trust her or him again. Give yourself a break and don’t expect yourself to get over being suspicious in a short period of time. The important thing is that you act as if you trust your partner, which will make it easier for your partner to be faithful to you. If your partner feels that you do not trust him or her, and that you are expecting him or her to cheat on you again, he or she will likely not disappoint you. Expect your partner to be faithful and you increase the chance that your expectations will come true. Individuals who remain faithful to their partners have decided to do so. They avoid intimate conversations with members of the other sex, alcohol, and being alone, which are conducive to physical involvement. The best antidote to having an affair is, as the Muslims say, ‘‘Don’t go near adultery.’’

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Individuals least vulnerable to an affair are also in a loving, nurturing, communicative relationship where each affirms the other. Neuman13 also noted that avoiding friends who have affairs and establishing close relationships with other couples who value fidelity further insulates one from having an affair. The good news is that most marriages do survive an affair. And in some cases an affair helps to make a relationship stronger by alerting the partners to the importance of making time for nurturing each other. Nonmarital relationships are less likely to endure when cheating occurs. With no marriage contract (e.g., no lawyers or legal system to contend with) and no children to split up or feel guilty about leaving, the betrayed partner has little incentive to stay. In one study by the second author, 80 percent of unmarried undergraduate relationships ended in reference to someone else. NOTES 1. Elizabeth Edwards, Resilience (New York: Broadway Books, 2009), 178–79. 2. J. H. Hall, W. Fals-Stewart, and F. D. Fincham, ‘‘Risky Sexual Behavior among Married Alcoholic Men,’’ Journal of Family Psychology 22 (2008): 287–99. 3. L. R. Smith, ‘‘Infidelity and Emotionally Focused Therapy: A Program Design,’’ Dissertation Abstracts, International, Section B, The Sciences and Engineering 65, 10-B (2005): 5423. 4. M. M. Olson, C. S. Russell, M. Higgins-Kessler, and R. B. Miller, ‘‘Emotional Processes Following Disclosure of an Extramarital Affair,’’ Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 28 (2002): 423–34. 5. J. P. Schneider, ‘‘Effects of Cybersex Addiction on the Family: Results of a Survey,’’ Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity 7 (2000): 31–58. 6. R. E. Cramer, R. E. Lipinski, J. D. Meteer, and J. A. Houska, ‘‘Sex Differences in Subjective Distress to Unfaithfulness: Testing Competing Evolutionary and Violation of Infidelity Expectations Hypotheses,’’ Journal of Social Psychology 148 (2008): 389–406. 7. G. Bermant, ‘‘Sexual Behavior: Hard Times with the Coolidge Effect,’’ in Psychological Research: The Inside Story, ed. M. H. Siegel and H. P. Zeigler (New York: Harper and Row, 1976). 8. J. P. Schneider, ‘‘The Impact of Compulsive Cybersex Behaviors on the Family,’’ Sexual and Relationship Therapy 18 (2003): 329–55. 9. P. Druckerman, Lust in Translation (New York: Penguin Group, 2007). 10. M. M. Olson et al., ‘‘Emotional Processes Following Disclosure.’’ 11. Ibid. 12. L. Linquist and C. Negy, ‘‘Maximizing the Experiences of an Extrarelational Affair: An Unconventional Approach to a Common Social Convention,’’ Journal of Clinical Psychology/In Session 61 (2005): 1421–28. 13. M. G. Neuman, The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It (New York: John Wiley & Sons, 2008).

9 Finding Your Man: He’s Looking for You Too

It really doesn’t matter who you select to marry as you are sure to find out you married someone else. —Jay Leno

On my (Jane—first author) parents’ bookshelf were two etiquette

books, by Mrs. Post and Mrs. Vanderbilt, a King James Bible, world almanac, and some dog-eared National Geographic magazines. Then a friend of my father’s wrote a book. Like my father, Wilbur stuttered, and his book was how to be a crackerjack salesman. My father said you could trust what Wilbur said because he was the last person you’d think could sell deep freezes or cars and yet he did—lots of them. By analogy, you can trust me when I tell you that finding your man is as easy as shooting fish in a barrel. Last time I was ready to trade in being single for love and companionship, I set myself a goal of one year to find love and happiness; and by the end of the year I had four marriage proposals (two from men I’d not even kissed) and found a man who excited and delighted me 100 percent. I learned this assertiveness from a second cousin who came to visit us for the express purpose of finding her very tall niece a mate. The concerned aunt waited at the revolving door of a fancy hotel until she saw a very tall man with a nice look to him and no ring on his finger and asked if the fellow would like a date with her niece. The gambit worked and wedding bells chimed. Aside from hotel lobbies, a university provides a context in which to meet thousands of potential partners of similar age and education. Unlike a hotel, most students are in this context for several years. A person can take note of and watch a potential partner over time, while developing his or her own interests and identity. How confusing it is that this virtual playground comes to an abrupt halt when you graduate.

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The greater shock is when you have been in a marriage and are suddenly on the market again after five or more years. Even if you had a life as a single person before marriage, the scene has changed. That sports bar that was so popular is now frequented by a younger crowd because the over-thirties have moved to the suburbs. And why didn’t you notice before that the guys at your Sunday brunch jazz spot were gay, drunk, or with somebody? Most eye-opening to the difficulty of getting together with a potential partner is that friends (all of whom have friends, right?) either don’t introduce you, or fix you up with egregious wrong choices. (In the movie Last Chance Harvey, the Emma Thompson character is fixed up with a man she hopes will like her but she only bores him and he is captivated by others—a subtle depiction of an adult dating scenario all too common to any adult who has gone out with hope in her handbag.) The first time I was single again, I was not thinking in terms of marriage but did remarry. In my subsequent venture, I longed to get it right and stay with one man for the rest of my days. In both cases, as a shy, retiring person I knew this quest would not come naturally. That I was methodical and unswerving explains why I can report on the method. When you read my formula believe that I tried it all. DO IT YOURSELF Your friends will take a great interest in your experiences dating. However, they are on the sidelines cheering and are not going to come to your rescue and serve up the right guy; it’s too complicated if you don’t cotton to their candidates, plus they have too few contacts. It is very unusual for a woman today to meet Mr. Right through her network of friends. So you have to make it happen. And remember that even if we had normal childhoods, there are patterns of male-female relationships whose templates we can improve on. The more you think about the kind of man you want to find, the more you zone in on a man who embodies the traits you treasure and match. FLIRTING There are so many things I cannot do, like work the simplest electronic device or a propane barbecue, but I have magic when it comes to engaging men. (I am humble, but this is true.) The magic comes from a combination of having and projecting a sizzle as follows. I flirt. Do you? Grownup flirting means being friendly and taking an interest in him, and treating him and what he says as special. You

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establish a repartee. You project both vulnerability and self-sufficiency. ‘‘I am feminine and open to a relationship but I am not an anchor.’’ You do not overdress but you do wear something soft. You don’t wear emotional armor but you do not show your feelings much either, except about the most random things, like ‘‘I’m wild with excitement.’’ You don’t threaten a man with remarks about remarriage—not even generalized! You are patient in your search. If you don’t meet anybody for a season of going to the weight room of the gym, switch to the pool or take the kickboxing class, but stay with it. Finding a man is not a game or a formula but it is like shopping. Pretend as you strategize your search that you are in a supersized discount store grazing for something specific. You keep looking, you don’t make impulse decisions, and you have faith that the item you are looking for is there in those piles of goods. While interacting, you look for cues where the two of you can share a joke or observation of what is in your immediate presence. If another person approaches, you exude the same warmth as for the object of your flirting. You have learned something in the last day or week, and can converse or have an opinion about it. You are eager (heck, pretend!) to participate in individual or team sports. You think watching sports is a great date. You especially project being game to try a new sport. You do not lay the person you are (personal resume, life goals, what you dreamed last night, and ‘‘the last time I got drunk’’) out on the table. Who are you? Let the man find out at his own pace. Don’t stop doing what you are doing when with a man. For example, if you are at a flea market and chat with a man, continue to examine objects. The same goes for meeting a man at a museum—don’t let meeting someone obliterate your train of thought! If you are reading on a train, don’t converse the whole trip; read the next pages of your book. Restraint is very appealing and can be consciously maintained. WHERE THE BOYS ARE Men are everywhere but you have to leave the house to find them. Do your homework. Get the proper information for events you may go to, trips and outings you may take. Pencil in a lot of stuff and promise yourself to do one unprecedented event a month, or more. What do you gravitate towards in free time? Is it church, charity work, politics, or random classes at the adult education center? Kill two birds with one stone and meet men an ideal way.

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A friend of mine who met her husband at a church singles group really enjoyed these events. Peggy, a teacher in Virginia, has always cared about environmental issues and when she got politically involved after her divorce she met single men galore, from hippie types to farmers to lawyers. Check into community gardening in your area—what a lovely way for people to meet. Also go to farmers’ markets and country fairs. There’s an oxymoron where a density of population means vastly more potential dates, but we notice others more (versus blocking humanity out) when we are in a less busy setting. Petite and popular, Jean spent long days learning her craft of book restoration, and put off starting over until she got her master’s. Then the assignments were all-consuming and the heterosexual single men nonexistent. But she took the MBTA train an hour from north of Boston to her job, and she maximized the trips to make contact with people: It was brash of me to strike up conversations but once I did I would look down at my book and wait. If the man wanted to talk we would. Sometimes I’d see the same person a few times before deciding to talk. I didn’t tell any of my friends because they would not understand that I was picking up men. But I went ahead and had many nice mini-dates like drinks or lunch and meanwhile got my bearings as a single person. I fell in love with a client in Ireland. It was flirting left and right on the MBTA that gave me the coordinates to handle falling in love with a client and foreigner, and not let the chance of a lifetime pass me by.

Many crafts centers have weekend seminars; you can count on a weekend about building a table or bookcase in Vermont to draw men. Single men are like you, looking for something productive to fill their weekends, and they are, remember, less likely to make dates with friends than we are. It can be hard to get going in any organization or activity, but stay positive and keep your eye on the ball (which is after all the man search potential). Keep trying until you find what is meaningful to you and you look forward to doing it. Whatever it is, the activity has to be somewhat satisfying besides the plus of putting yourself into a context to meet guys. When you signed up for a watercolor class and the students were all geriatric and uncommunicative, at least you got over some of a person’s natural apprehension at taking an art class; cruise the other classes and choose a man-friendly one next semester.

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ALSO LOOK OUTSIDE THE BOX If your dating life is in a lull, get with it! Why close the door on dating a good man because he comes from a different race or country or age (younger or older)? Narrow the field and you could miss out when opportunity knocks; if you wear blinders and go for the man who is just like you, you could overlook a mate who is perfect for you. Also, you may find that sparks fly with someone you had never considered, whereas Mr. Just-Like-Me may also be Mr. Dull and there is no chemistry. It’s well known that we tend to fall for people like ourselves. Of course, similar values, temperament, outlook, and goals are very important no matter who you are with. But don’t let the fact that his family celebrated the holidays differently than you, or that he still has to discuss parenting with an ex hold you back! Focus instead on whether he is honest, loves his parents, is open to new ideas, and is charitable and optimistic. Only if you discount skin color, age, accent, ethnic roots, the house of worship he attends, and the amount of education he has can you know if you are really attracted to the whole person. And, this person may love you as no other man has. One of the greatest recent changes in our society is the trend away from racism and narrowmindedness to an understanding that we are all in this together. The world looks to us as the melting pot, where immigrants fit into a tolerant society and an atmosphere of freedom. There is a U.S. Census every ten years and people are asked which category they belong to: Caucasian, Hispanic, Asian, African-American. If you don’t want to identify with one group, you have the option to choose ‘‘other.’’ More and more are choosing ‘‘other,’’ due to our country increasingly diversifying. Additionally, people who have grown up in our melting pot culture are reluctant to put themselves in boxes. We often overlook great guys if they don’t happen to fit every criterion on our list of who we think we’ll marry. Expand your radar and grow up and out of your box that keeps your choices narrow and few. The prospects are endless if you do! Don’t eliminate Boy X because of his race, cultural background, religion, etc. The very man you eliminate is the man with whom you could have the best chemistry and a wonderful, fulfilling life. David (second author) was reared in the Deep South and taught not to date Catholics, Jews, or persons with different ethnic backgrounds. The first marriage choice pleased the parents, but ended in divorce. The second marriage came when parents and proscriptions were dead and involved a woman whose mother is Catholic, father is Jewish, and grandmother is from Puerto Rico. The relationship is now twenty years plus.

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WHEN MEN ARE IN PLUMAGE Men who are ambitious and industrious are not particularly oriented to meeting us when they are stressed on the job. That all changes when they take a break, or finish. When a man is showing off what he did or is doing, he is at peak receptiveness to meeting you. This is the most auspicious of all occasions to meet a man. He is feeling very masculine because he is feeling proud. If he is installing new countertops in your apartment or renovating a building in town, if he is selling you the lobster he hauled in, or you attend the commencement of his students, he is in full gale. If he is single and heterosexual he semiconsciously wishes he had a special woman with whom to share his achievement. When you see a spirited man, this is the one who is ready to flirt, and when you see a man who has a zesty air of admiring work he is doing, there is a natural gambit to get to know him. It is a counterpart of a woman feeling beautiful—he feels masculine and wants to show off. WHERE MEN ARE AT PLAY If you are single you will find more appealing men in venues where they are doing sports. I can tick off inline skating on the middle school track, the cardio room at the Y, the public tennis courts, and a deli where runners congregate Sundays as places I met eligible men in the town where I lived. Plus I’m convinced that the chances of a man’s being red-blooded normal if you meet in a sporty context are high. What sports can you do and what do you have to do to get going? Look through this list and make a realistic appraisal of whether you would take up the sport, what it would cost, and whether you can work it into your schedule. • Inline skating. The action is graceful, the clothes are cute, and if you go on a well-paved track you diminish the risks. Men who are allround good at sports will do this for a diversion. You can meet strangers easily this way, and it’s a neat activity for a date. • Ice skating. This is a most effervescent and outgoing sport. Why wait for nature to provide ice? You don’t have an indoor rink next door but you probably have a nearby location, like at a prep school or college, or a town with a substantial tax base. Donning and removing the skates, you look up and smile at the guy with custody of his kids on Saturday.

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• Volleyball. This is the sport for someone who likes to have fun but is not athletic. Read the rules online and join a volleyball group; many towns have singles nights for volleyball. It is a sport with a lot of social interaction and a lot of laughs. • Tennis. Many recreation departments have summer ‘‘ladders’’ and leagues. The trouble with them if you are a beginner is you play one game and it’s over. Unless you are a seasoned player, look for classes that improve your skills. Tennis clubs have specials for new members so you can see if a club is going to answer your social needs. Tennis has always been a super way to meet men. If you can get it across the net you can give any man a good game. Tell him you just want to rally! • The health club. You take out a membership at a gym—a time-tested place for the sexes to meet—but which gym? Go for a free session and psych out whether this is a potential arena for meeting men. I did this. One gym had music pounding from the walls and TV consoles at every angle. Another gym had an upscale feeling and people talked with one another, not just the trainers selling themselves. I joined the latter. • Bowling. Bowling is a classic game for a fellow to teach a girl. If you are a washout and the balls all end up in the gutter, get a lesson, read a book, and learn how to score; a scorekeeper is always valued. • Hiking. Appalachian and Rocky Mountain hiking adventures are well-trodden ways of meeting the opposite sex. Find a hike at your own level, as hiking (or biking) the Pyrenees can look delightful in the brochure and be grueling in actuality. • Softball. Coed summer teams are ubiquitous and beloved. • Sailing. Join a sailing club if you live near the water. Look online and ask friends. Let’s say you’re in DC, there’s a club on the Potomac; if in Boston there are clubs on the Charles. Take lessons; the men are taking them too. • Scuba diving, fencing, and, yes, kayaking. These also provide great milieus for finding desirable men. • Being a spectator. Getting tickets to a season of a pro team puts you in an advantageous spot to meet men. It also gives you conversational fodder. GOOD WORKS Join charity groups with men as well as women. Check out tutoring new immigrants, Habitat for Humanity, Big Brother/Big Sister, and similar groups. Not only are these good places to meet eligible men, but

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these organizations attract those who are inclined to give, to nurture, to be compassionate. These qualities predict well for happy relationships. SPEED DATING Speed-dating parties are way more fun than they sound. Try to find out the age of the attendees; that is the only caveat. The gutsy people who go to the speed-dating events as a source of dates have good results. You also shore up your presentation of yourself. The ‘‘It’s Just Lunch’’ dating services for professionals are also worth a try. THE INTERNET Work the Internet . . . hard. Some tips: 1. Try the larger sites first. They have more people from whom you can choose. Match.com, Chemistry.com, and eHarmony are among the bigger ones. Right Mate at Heartchoice.com is a good jumping-off place. 2. Try sites targeted to your specific interests. There are websites for single parents, Christians, Blacks, Muslims; if you have a specific group, take a look. 3. Devote one to two hours a day to the search. You can go through fifty profiles a night when it would take you six months to go out with each of these and decide they are not right for you. Cover a lot of ground fast. You’ll be surprised how quickly you can fill up your dance card. 4. Start out setting the computer to date someone within twenty-five miles of you. After a couple of weeks, if you don’t get a hit, increase the radius. The wider the radius of your potential circle, the more people you will have to select from. 5. Move quickly. If you enjoy e-mailing someone, move to talking with them on the phone to see if the interest holds. After two weeks, set up a meeting; have them come to your town and meet them in a public place for dinner. Don’t ask him back to your place the first night. If sparks fly, he will want to come back. 6. Be attentive to his preference for paying. If he is traditional and pays, thank him. If you feel there will be a next time, offer to pay the next time. Don’t squabble over money. If he doesn’t offer to pay, pay your half. 7. Don’t be a snob. The rich man can be a jerk and the poor man a prince. The funny-looking guy will turn into a prince if he is loved.

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8. Contact a lot of men and agree to a lot of dates. It is a numbers game. You will go through twenty before one rings your bell. You are only looking for one. Don’t be too picky. Everyone comes with a catch. But don’t settle either. HAVE IMAGINATION I credit my love of poetry with the magic I had in finding men who threw their capes down for me to tiptoe across. I did all the strategies but believed in the poetry of romance. It is hard to recapture the mood of my concerted dating but I know I was ready to relocate to Juneau, Alaska, or Sydney, Australia. I also went not to one state but five to have first dates with people I had met on the Internet with whom I had an email and phone connection. Had I been younger I probably would have limited my radius but this all-out approach was what got the job done. People exaggerate, but it’s often innocent; so if he says he has chestnut hair and he has pale brown hair and a bald spot, be understanding. Exaggerating a little can be sweet, right? Rae dated a man who put as his profession entomologist. He was an exterminator, but as Rae said, he didn’t hide that, he just prided himself on knowing bugs. Of course there is sliding of the truth on the Internet. Men lie about their status, income, and education. Women lie about their age, weight, and level of attractiveness. But both know the game and accept the other. One woman said that she told her fellow (whom she later married) that she was five years older since she knew he wanted an older woman. He knew she wanted a man five years younger than he was, so he lied. They have now been married twenty-one years and laugh about their lying. Be flexible when learning about someone new. My mate, when he looked me up on an Internet dating site and took me to lunch, looked rather grave, yet I saw he was always ready to try new destinations or activities with me—and then there was his kiss! One early day he came when I was making a square tablecloth into a round one for a friend’s birthday gift. I was poised to draw a line using the garbage can and explained my plan. Without any cracks about my geometry, he tied a string to a pencil, instantly in helpful mode, and made a big beautiful circle. That told me he would be the kind of man to live with that I sought. WAIT TO HAVE SEX We will mention this caveat more than once in this book. We feel it is the cornerstone of avoiding sexual regret and keeping your relationship

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on track. To know if he’s compatible with you, you don’t have to go to bed with him. You certainly may want to test his skills as a lover, but not quite yet. First, how does he kiss, and how aroused/hungry for you does he get? And better, how hungry are you for him? This is all about lust and don’t confuse it with the bricks and mortar that make a relationship durable. Because I’ve had many sexual encounters and have talked with many women, I can assure you that having sex with a man doesn’t give you one iota of new information about whether you and he will bond, communicate, negotiate, and enjoy each other. Sex with a man is likely to make him and perhaps you want more sex with him, and what does that do if it’s casual? It can destine the relationship to nowhere. The man who has casual sex with you has it because of the double standard that allows him to think of you as easy or a passing fling. The man who wants you, and kisses you, is starting a romantic phase where he fantasizes what it would be like to have you in his arms and carry it to nature’s intended conclusion. It has always been up to the woman to say no. If you say ‘‘yes, let’s do it,’’ figure you’ve got a good three weeks with this guy and he’ll be gone with the next one. There isn’t one case in a hundred where quick sex will progress the relationship anywhere but nowhere. HE’S GOING TO GOOGLE YOU Before the first date, a man you meet through friends or the Internet is going to Google you; what will he see? People who meet on the Internet and end up together are characterized by sharing interests. Therefore, be sure that your online persona (Facebook, Google, dating website) expresses your interests. Second, the people who hit it off seem to have longer profiles, so go ahead and disclose in print to the extent you come across as an individual. OFFICE ROMANCE The office is a common place people meet. While some office affairs end badly, it is the best place to find a man. Not only can feelings develop gradually, people reveal their character at work. If a person is patient, kind, and ethical, has a sense of humor, and is nice to look at day in and day out . . . hey, what’s not to love? Women are more likely to have jobs, men careers. Women expect to have children, and prioritize them, which has implications for

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advancement. While some career women do have families, the combination is a challenge. Less than 5 percent of CEOs of Fortune 500 companies are women. For many women, the workplace is a place to meet men. For men, the workplace is a place to launch and excel in one’s career. We are not suggesting that some women do not want careers, only that the data suggest that most do not. Pamela Stone wrote Opting Out? which revealed content from fifty-four interviews with women representing a broad spectrum of professions—doctors, lawyers, scientists, bankers, management consultants, editors, and teachers. Opting Out? involved women leaving their careers and returning home to take care of their children for a variety of reasons. However, two reasons stood out: (1) husbands who were unavailable or unable to ‘‘shoulder significant portions of care-giving and family responsibilities’’;1 and (2) employers who had a lot of policies on the books to encourage and support women parental leave ‘‘but not much in the way of making it possible for them to return or stay once they had babies.’’2 Men don’t care if the place where they work offers child care. Women do. Pacing the sex is important in an office romance. If you are just one of the girls your coworker is having sex with, you are going to hate your job. If you delay the sex to assess if the relationship is going somewhere, you help protect a mess from developing where you work. And sometimes it just doesn’t work out: From our first stilted kiss that night, I knew it would be a struggle. I agreed with the concept of Jen and me satisfying each other. I wanted to be cool and sophisticated. But her mixed signals—and my own—were too confusing. We were friends, so should I buy her dinner before we hooked up? She wants to sleep over—should I let her? What’s the morning etiquette—breakfast together? Share a ride to work? Do we kiss goodbye at the subway, like couples do? I called things off after just a few weeks. Since then, I’ve resolved to stay in my sexual comfort zone; if there’s a partner I’d like to be with, fine, but until then I’ll keep things to myself. I’ve also come to the conclusion that casual sex is overrated, at least for guys like me.3

NO CASUAL SEX WHILE HUNTING FOR A MAN TO PARTNER WITH You can have slept with one man, or two, or two dozen, but when your goal is to find a man to partner with, you need to have perspective. Your body and mind have to be in concert. A heart can still have sentimental feelings for the last guy, but we have to keep our lives free of casual sex

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while the man search is in progress. A bag of potato chips doesn’t go with a four-star French dinner and hookups don’t mix with looking for one’s lifelong love. COMPROMISE IS NOT THE SAME AS SETTLING Isn’t the ‘‘perfect man’’ a grisly thought, sort of like a bionic man? When my younger daughters played with Barbie dolls, the Barbies were dressed in extravagant gowns and chic little numbers from head to toe but the Ken dolls, apparently less well made, often had heads that came unscrewed. As I passed by the girls’ play this was something I wanted to put right, but when I offered to purchase a new Ken, they shooed me away. ‘‘He’s better without a head,’’ said Julia emphatically. I think that the Ken doll that was virtually like their playing with a stick could become anything and was maximally generic. But that is not true when we are interested in a lasting relationship. The more a man has become an individual, the more he is capable of connecting with another person. Yet, paradoxically, the more he has evolved his tastes, preferences, interests, and pursuits, the more some of these aspects of him will not match us. He loves jazz concerts and you don’t, he has mastered Chinese cuisine and you vastly prefer European; he has a collection of Hawaiian shirts, bowties, or cufflinks that he wears and you don’t like them. He is buying a leather couch and you think that it’s gross to lie on a dead animal skin. The compromises when you are an adult start from the second date. They are going to be on both sides. You may give up something just to please, but that’s okay if he’s trying something hard for him too, like to spend time with your family or listen more compassionately. Every good marriage is the scene of continual compromise. If you compromise, this is not settling for less than you want and deserve—that happens only if a man is incapable of evolving and incapable of seeing that he is sometimes wrong. A good relationship is two people in accord that they are on a path of living, learning, and growing together. A lot of women make the mistake of marrying someone who they think they want, only to find out they are unhappy with that type. If you need to hear ‘‘I love you’’ on a regular basis, you had better pick someone who says it, often. If you need to be in your own zone most of the time, you better find someone who leaves you be. And if you get fired up by being with an ambitious man, find one and give him your support but leave the man who is happy with the simple life for somebody else.

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In the words of one of the women we interviewed: My agenda on the man thing was always that I was searching for the ideal man, but unfortunately, when I found him, he was searching for the ideal woman! I waited forever to get married because no man matched up to what I thought I wanted (in my imagination). I dumped countless men because once they were interested in me, I no longer was interested in them. I wanted the strong silent mountain climber type, but then realized that I wanted a man who could talk to me, instead of grunting. When I met Larry, I knew he was the antithesis of what I had always wanted, but I also felt that it worked for me. It took five years for me to feel like, okay, this isn’t the kind of man I thought I’d marry, but for some reason, I’m happy with him, so what the heck!

YOU FOUND HIM, BUT IS HE READY? Brandon drew the ushers for his wedding from his freshmen suitemates at college ten years before (they still go on trips together). He bowls and camps with his second group of buddies, his coworkers at the science lab. His third group of buddies is his siblings and cousins. Well liked, a loving kind of person, and never gregarious, Brandon was ready to pair off at a young age. His wife, raised by an Asian-American mother to be modest and chaste, must have sensed he was if anything a serious boyfriend. They lived in different continents and states in some of those intervening years between college and marriage, but the devotion was unerring. Molly, Brandon’s twin, during that time had an apparently parallel relationship, but Molly’s boyfriend loved to party, drink to late hours in bars, and wanted to ‘‘date other people’’—all truly important to his manhood. Allen and Molly gave each other support through things like preparing for debate tournaments and passing the law boards, but for Allen to have a job where he finally made a lot of money and could be a man about town was the height of achievement. No matter how good it would get between them he wasn’t ready to be more than girlfriendboyfriend for years and years—and perhaps never to marry someone his mother really approved of! (She loved Molly.) Although Molly had always dated exact peers, at thirty, after seeing how tension-free her brother’s relationship was, she extended her range to much older men. She met Scott, as ambitious and sophisticated as Allen but at thirty-seven, while very happy with his single life, was closer to entertaining marriage—when, as he decided he had, he met a woman too good to lose.

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To assess if the man you have your sights on is ready for marriage, the following questions must be asked: • Does he like women? (Answer has to be yes) • Does he have lingering hostilities to his parents which interfere with his having intimate relationships? (Answer has to be no) • Is he out of school or has he had significant experience in supporting himself? (Answer has to be yes. If he hasn’t proved himself in the workplace he cannot bring a woman into his concerns.) • Do you admire him for the work he does? (If you scorn him for being a bank clerk, a preacher, or a cosmetic surgeon, you cannot be a supportive mate, ever.) When Sophie, a library technician, was told by her new boyfriend on the third date that he loved her, she recoiled and contemplated not seeing him again; it was too early for a profession of love. But love is an emotion that can rise up at any moment in the relationship; for a man it is very connected with making love. Jonathan was, to invoke an old-fashioned term, ‘‘the marrying type.’’ And men are like fruit, they ripen. You just need to be there at the right time or be willing to wait. A man we interviewed said: It seems to me that it’s in our late thirties that men’s and women’s physical and emotional paths cross and we begin for the first time to understand one another by having experienced one another’s realities.

FINDING OUT IF THE RELATIONSHIP IS GOING SOMEWHERE It is not unusual for you and your man to have different thoughts and agendas about the future of your relationship. While you may be emotionally involved and want a future, he views the relationship as here-and-now fun and he hasn’t thought about the future. These are potentially different tickets in the same airport to different destinations. Look at his ticket; is he going to the same place you are? While early definitions of the relationship are typically the same— you enjoy each other and want to continue seeing each other—as the months go by, if you are becoming involved and see a future, you will need to make a decision: give your man more time or try to find out how he feels. We asked our respondents/interviewees to assume the following scenario and to tell us how they would proceed. Assume you have been going with this man for months. All is well: love, chemistry, sex are great. But he has said nothing about you two having a

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long-term future together. As far as you know he may just be thinking you are a good-time girl but he will be on his way whenever and you are history. What exactly do you say to a guy to find out if you are wasting your time or not?

One respondent said: The answer to your question, in my opinion, is a fairly complicated one. First, I would assume that, if a woman feels like she is ready to make a commitment, she would already feel like she has a huge amount of trust in the guy, and she would not be concerned that any hint of the commitment idea would ‘‘scare him away.’’ If she cannot pass this test, I would say the relationship is not ready. Having a high trust level so that she feels he cares about her, she should explore his feelings about their future in terms of a marriage type of commitment. It might help to analyze the tone of his words, to see if he seems to talk as if the relationship could go on forever, or if he seems to be interested in making plans that imply a long-term commitment (e.g., ‘‘I’d like for us to have a place in the mountains some day’’). I would also be against the idea of overanalyzing, however, or of approaching the subject obliquely. In the right relationship, it would seem natural to talk about it in a straightforward manner fairly soon after the thought began to manifest. In short, I would say that the point at which she would ask about the future would be the point at which she felt like she had a great deal of trust in the guy, when she felt like she was ready, and when it felt like a natural extension of the relationship they already had. Having said that, I would add that she should be aware that there are different possibilities of what a long-term commitment would look like, and that there are perfectly viable long-term relationships that do not involve marriage.

‘‘It depends,’’ another respondent said: I think this [how you bring up the future] depends on the individuals and includes factors like age and dreams. If she wants to have children, then she doesn’t want to waste her time on someone who could be ‘‘right’’ but has no interest in settling down; then I’d say in about six months she should at least check to see if they’re headed in the same direction—not asking for commitment, but at least being sure he feels as she does, that there is something special here and he also wants to get married and have children. Then, if all continues, probably in about a year there should be a commitment—but even sooner if they are mature and communicate with each other.

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If they are older—forties and up, probably—they should know pretty quickly if they are right for each other—everyone has been around enough by then to make a commitment more quickly—and if he’s not ready, he may be (likely is) emotionally immature and the decision to hang around and wait or move on has to be faced.

One respondent said to ask directly: When one is no longer satisfied with just having a good time, the relationship needs to move forward. But where? Asking ‘‘where is this going’’ is about as direct as you can be.

A respondent suggested being very subtle and not frightening the horses. I think that the ‘‘future’’ conversation often emerges organically, with ‘‘teasers’’ thrown out over the course of time. If, for example, the initial ‘‘L’’-word exchange went well and the guy seems comfortable with saying that he loves her, then perhaps she would be more comfortable speaking in future terms and using planning language. (I think it happens this way for both women and men, by the way—it’s not necessarily gendered.) I don’t know if most women really say, ‘‘Hey, are we ever getting married?’’ It seems to me that it’s more likely that a woman would say things like, ‘‘This year at Christmas we should go see your parents’’ (when it’s July) or ‘‘Do you ever want to have kids? I like the name Joe. What do you think?’’ (Implying: do you want to have a kid with me?) If the answers to such questions are favorable, I think the relationship participants get a reinforced sense of security, comfort, and even intimacy that might more naturally lead them down the road toward considering marriage. This isn’t to say that there aren’t times when a woman asks about marriage outright, but I tend to think that such direct questions may often be asked out of frustration more so than in situations where the couple is having a good time and all is well. The frustration may come about from a dating relationship that’s lasted too long (past the expected threshold without any further commitment), if he seems aloof or detached, or if he just doesn’t seem to take the relationship seriously.

Another suggestion to be subtle: I would start with an emphasis on his family, letting him know that family is important, how’s your mother doing, etc., but I would also be sensitive to his responses. ‘‘Fine’’ and then changing the subject is a lot different from, ‘‘Fine, and she’s coming for a visit next month. Did you

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know she belongs to Rotary? She’s coming for a meeting and then I was thinking I’d take her to this new restaurant in Fountain Valley.’’ (That’s a good segue into, Oh, really? Does she like seafood? There’s this great place in Seal Beach where I took my mom when she was visiting. . . . Follow the momentum and let him feel comfortable.) I guess the idea is not to push someone or make them feel defensive or threatened. I would choose a comfortable moment when we’ve been together for a day doing something fun, and let him know how much fun I’m having, how much I appreciate him, and how I’m looking forward to other things like this in the future. If he doesn’t freak out, I might then say something like, ‘‘You know, I rarely think about the future with somebody, but now I find that I keep thinking about you and how good we are together.’’ Pause and let this sink in. Unless he’s a complete caveman, he must get the idea that Now We’re Talking About Our Relationship. See what his response is. See if he’s comfortable or uncomfortable. If you sense he is comfortable and open to this content, then I might follow with, ‘‘We have something really special together, and I would love to keep it going. How do you feel?’’

Another said to be flexible and consider living together as progress. Not everyone wants to get married, particularly if they’ve been married before. This discussion might lead to moving in together, or keeping things the way they are.

One respondent said that a baby changes things and requires a commitment. If there is a baby born, that is time to legally commit. It is ridiculous these people who have a baby and then are reluctant to marry. There is no greater, more important, or longer-term relationship than co-parenting anyway!

For some, marriage is not important, but commitment is. My mother [divorced] and her partner live together . . . sharing time between his place and hers. Neither wants to ever marry again. At this point in their lives, there is no good reason to do so. They’ve made arrangements for one another in their wills, and given each other health care power of attorney. But, when my mom gets pissed off, she goes back to her house until they clear it up. Her attitude is, ‘‘If it works out, great. If not, that’s fine, too.’’ Even though they could likely save on expenses, and I suspect they will be together forever, they will keep their respective

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homes. They are old enough and experienced enough to know ‘‘happily ever after’’ doesn’t always work out.

One respondent said that her partner was applying for graduate school in another state. So she asked: ‘‘Do you think it is realistic to continue our relationship while you are away? I see a future with you and feel a commitment to you. But I will need a commitment from you in order to move forward and feel secure about ‘us’ when I cannot be with you. We will need to make arrangements to be with one another as often as possible while you are not living here and when you return we should have a plan to solidify our relationship. What are your thoughts?’’

One respondent had a unique way of bringing up the marriage issue: One day I came home with a $3.75 wedding dress I had bought at a thrift store, put it on (I was a knockout) and asked my fellow what he thought? (wedding implied). He said he wasn’t ready. I didn’t make a big deal out of it, we dated for another three years and then married—you just have to give a guy time to cook.

Fortunately for reality and, unfortunately for pipe dreams, men will, in general, tell us if they are up for commitment . . . with anybody. We just have to believe what they say. What can hold a man back is not that he is a cad but that he aims to work abroad, do a graduate degree thousands of miles away, or that he knows (unrelated to age) that he has unfinished business in the area of personal growth which makes commitment out of the question. Of course it is also about taking away his freedom. Commitment to you means he can’t act on the smile the new girl at the office gave him this morning. Nevertheless, men are as liable to want to be close and to settle down (first time or again) as women are. My partner, two or so years divorced, put it with disarming candor when I met him: ‘‘I could have one-time sex with a zillion women but by my next birthday I want to fall in love.’’ Music to my ears! NOTES 1. Pam Stone, Opting Out? (Berkeley: University of California Press, 2007), 68. 2. Ibid., 119. 3. Joseph Williams, ‘‘Part-Time Lover,’’ Boston Globe Sunday Magazine, April 2, 2009.

10 Connecting: Communication Basics

My wife said I don’t listen . . . at least I think that’s what she said. —Laurence Peter

A classic French joke is as follows: Napoleon said to Josephine, ‘‘Do

you know what is the difference between this mirror and you, ma cherie?’’ She said no. Napoleon said, ‘‘This mirror reflects without speaking whereas you—you speak without reflecting.’’ Josephine answered: ‘‘Do you know what the difference is between this mirror and you, mon cher? This mirror is polite and you are not.’’ This chapter is about the conversation between men and women. At best, talking with a man who attracts us, or with whom we are involved, is like standing on a chilly white cliff and watching the rainbow shimmer of the Northern Lights. It is a delight. At worst, it is so frustrating you could explode. Let’s look at ways of communication with our man. In the last twenty years, books, beginning with Deborah Tannen’s You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, have suggested that what hampers female–male conversation is a product of both wiring and socialization. Men are wired and socialized to get to the point, women to relate and connect. Men are more prone to oppress and women to plead—that is social conditioning.

SOME DIFFERENCES BETWEEN WOMEN AND MEN Aside from the fact that, in social conversation, women are more often aiming to facilitate relationships and men are more often direct, there are other differences between women and men in communication. First, for women, if it’s spring the lengthening days and warming weather that prompt obvious behavioral changes in some species affect us more in romantic communication than, say, doing our job or errands.

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Whether the context is big flakes of falling snow, a hot day at the beach, or a walk in the woods on a fall day, we feel when we have romantic conversation that we are communing with the entire world, giving a sort of sacred glaze to the exchange of words and thoughts. We may communicate sexual interest and intoxication, and tender feelings. We can be easily pleased or easily hurt compared with other types of communication. Typically, all of this is nonsense to men. Second, in addition to heightened sensibilities, we have a tendency to recollect just what he or we said. There is a feeling that the words/ expression of the conversation count, and we remember many of the words the other person or we ourselves said, as we might a diagnosis by a physician. We reflect very carefully and derive validation or rejection based on our verbal recall. Third, beyond our ethereal connections and our recollections, we specialize in the nonverbal. Become aware of your own nonverbal expressions. You will find that some of them duplicate expressions that you’ve seen in others of your family—like a coquettish lift of an eyebrow (enviable to those of us whose facial muscles aren’t so inclined); still others are passed down culturally. When I lived in Iran I noted a slight cock of the chin, sometimes with a staccato ‘‘tch’’ which can be expressive of warm humor; and French women do seem to finesse the ‘‘moue’’ (that particular sulky expression where the lips swell and pout—and can alert a lover to mild dissatisfaction). Body language of all sorts conveys openness and intimacy, or, conversely, retreat and closing off. Imagine three scenarios: (1) holding the other’s glance to signify romantic interest; (2) looking into each other’s eyes (over dinner, on a park bench, anywhere) to ignite romantic imagination and that sense of boundless possibility; and (3) the first touch of a relationship/day/date that signals romance and more to come, such as holding hands, leaning your head on his shoulder, or a fleeting kiss on the cheek. Fourth, we become more self-conscious of what both of us say. This may lead us to circuitous talk (hesitation to express a view or thought directly) and a conciliatory tone (where we anticipate and try to avoid a no). Fifth, men also have some communication habits that are different from ours. And annoying. These may include going for worst-case scenario, ordering us around, agreeing just to placate, or hearing us out with judgment already formed. Sixth, women have their own communication foibles. These include smiling out of nervousness, raising voice and speed when emotional, and chattering to fill voids.

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USING COMMUNICATION TO GET YOUR MAN What are some strategies for conveying to the person who attracts you romantically that you are sweet on him? First, talk about yourself—briefly. If you like to be completely natural and not attract attention, you can still mesmerize a man by a talent nearly all women have for telling an anecdote about yourself, something that happened to you that’s unique that shows you are both interesting and vulnerable. Men will identify if you color it up: ‘‘I was running in the park by the river and a Newfoundland dog jumped on me from behind with its paws on my shoulders. I’ve been afraid of scrappy, yapping dogs but somehow even though the dog hit me with a punch I felt it was friendly . . . you know.’’ Men look for women to carry the conversational ball, so do it quickly rather than chatter on and on and then shut up and listen to him. Second, say a real hello. Most relationships begin with a hello (not the hello when you meet someone but the hello that means you are interested in dialogue). Let’s say the cute electrician comes to your coop in a truck that says Yankees. You tell him that your dad is a Yankees fan and you just like seeing it on a truck. That’s a hello that tells him loads of information about you in one sentence (you have a good relationship with your dad, you’re a family girl, you like sports, you are pointing out something that the two of you like) and he can pick up on it if he wants to. ‘‘Yeah, I’ve been a Yankees fan all my life. May I have a glass of water, please,’’ translates into ‘‘I want to continue the interaction.’’ You can also say hello by asking a provocative question. For example, suppose you meet someone at a party and discover that he is a high school gym teacher. A question might be, ‘‘What do you recommend to help competitive third-graders learn that it’s okay to lose?’’ By asking him this question you also convey a lot of information about you (you have an interest in his work, you feel his work provides useful insights beyond gym class, you have an interest in children and their development, and you are both teachers). If he’s interested, he’ll appreciate your hello question and keep the interaction going. ‘‘That’s a good question. What do third-graders typically say or do when they lose?’’ And the interaction is on a roll. Third, smile radiantly from the inside. We dress up and put on makeup to attract. A woman is most appealing when she is sweet, warm, energetic, and enthusiastic. These qualities flow from her enjoyment in life, her self-assurance, and her genuine interest in others. If the

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previous relationship has left tire tracks on her sense of self, she summons fortitude to supplement her self-assurance until she has it back. In this case, she may need to put on a brave smile, even when the movie she sees with the new man has a churlish protagonist who is the splitting image of her previous boyfriend or significant other. Fourth, be friendly. Friendliness is sexy. Make the man feel he’s the only one present you want to be with. In conversation, a friendly face comes alive in a way it cannot when the person is still. In a t^ete-a-t^ete with a man who attracts you, you smile and part your lips, and your eyes grow keener. You may nod or lift your brows in response to what he says. You shake out or touch your hair in a gesture that is responsive and beckoning. Fifth, hold up your head. Among the nonverbal messages we extend at the start of a relationship, posture ranks as an important one. My mother, a model, reminded me very often that, sitting, standing, or walking, I should imagine a string suspended at the top of my head, pulling me up. I recently reconnected with a friend from college who is a psychiatrist. I reminisced that the period we had been at Wellesley College was the unhappiest time of my life (stultifying intellectually, and to boot my brother died). Martha said, ‘‘But when I’d run into you on one of those paths that crisscrossed the campus, you were always smiling and you held your head so high.’’

FLIRTY TALK DO’S You have his attention with your cute outfit and confident demeanor. Here are some tips for first or preromantic-involvement conversations. 1. Focus on him. Not your parking ticket, 8:00 a.m. appointment, or your best friend’s problems. Be present! 2. Don’t ask too much about his job. While showing an interest in his job (since most men strongly identify with what they do), don’t grill him; it puts him in work mode. 3. Don’t gossip. He will be sure that he will be the subject of your next catty anecdote. 4. Break the touch barrier and become unforgettable. If, after a minute or two of conversation on the date, things appear to be going well and you’re vibing with each other, you can help move the relationship forward with a gentle, casual touch on the elbow, under the pretext of emphasizing a point, or when he makes you laugh. An elbow

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is about as asexual a body part as you can get (you are not to toe his ankle or ruffle his hair—I did that with Mickey Rourke and spoiled the beginning of a nice encounter when he was way younger and me too). This slight, semi-intentional, grazing touch starts him thinking about your proximity in a pleasant way and wanting more of you. Don’t overuse this or it will seem too forward. Don’t be gauche, just make it a touch to tease and make him think about you. 5. Whisper something in his ear. Again, after things are going well for a while and you want to help the relationship progress, whispering something in his ear is a classic way to get his mind racing about you . . . nothing too much, maybe a funny remark about other people at the bar, or sharing the slice of a secret. At the same time, he begins to think how great it would be to have you close to him in other circumstances. 6. Aim high. Seize the moment with a man you think is unattainable. (I believe firmly in aiming high.) Get him to talk about himself and his interests. He will usually mirror your interest. Once his eyes and manner express that ‘‘You are a fascinating creature,’’ you feel your tentative interest in him reinforced. The minuet steps up and continues . . .

FLIRTY TALK DON’TS 1. No pets allowed. I don’t care how adorable your pet may be, don’t gush to him about it. If you have a pet and you don’t think it’s cute, that could make for interesting conversation, but don’t talk about your pet as though it’s a friend, or he’ll begin to suspect you don’t have any real friends to talk about. 2. Avoid past boyfriends and relationships. Said Macalester, a business graduate student at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania: ‘‘This should be obvious, but for some reason women still do this, and way too much, and way too early after meeting someone new.’’ 3. Check your baggage at the door. When you meet new people, both male and female, they are looking for the same fundamental thing— to have a good time. Don’t bring the mood down with talk about your personal problems. Stay positive, fun, and upbeat. There will be plenty of time for more serious, deeper conversations later in the game; but don’t start out with your issues. He won’t care and he’ll be gone.

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4. Don’t babble about personal concerns. Talking too much about personal things too fast is not a good idea, in spite of the urge to do so. First, because of the lack of context by which to understand implications of what is being related, people jump too easily to wrong conclusions. Also, because (like having sex too soon) the revelations short-circuit the natural process of circling ever closer—and with each circling, more detail emerges. Third, you can’t do an exorcism of what went before. For instance, Eve said: ‘‘It took Carlos forever to get over my romantic history, blurted out prematurely and too emotionally, as if to get forgiveness and acceptance.’’ 5. Drop your agenda. If a conversation with your boyfriend or mate is going south, drop your agenda. Maybe you are proud that you knew exactly what this conversation should be about, but that hems him in from the beginning. Let it go. Put your wishes and needs on the table and leave the option for him to pick up. 6. Avoid labeling yourself negatively. Marcia and Paul had a traumatic weekend in Cincinnati early on in their relationship. Marcia, a set designer from New York, was in tears of guilt and frustration, having confessed her inability to be faithful hitherto and her anguish about it. Naturally Paul (monogamous until then, having separated from his wife of eight years) was appalled, pressing for an explanation. Said Marcia, ‘‘Paul was the great guy I yearned for after being with several heels. But he took my pattern so to heart that it was a major reason he didn’t propose for ten years. He later came around and we are married but I should have kept my mouth shut.’’ HE’S INTERESTED: KEEP THE INTERACTION GOING, PART I How do you know he’s interested? Aside from the fact that he will ask you out and book time with you, it’s in his kiss, but you aren’t there yet. He will give you a measure of eye contact not only when he’s talking, but when you’re speaking. He will lean towards you. If you are meeting him, share an event you attended before you were with him. It shows that you are an active person. If he’s had less education than you, you will mention something nonintellectual (people grow when they’re together and he may want that subscription to Shakespeare if you become a couple). Contrast ‘‘I was able to attend the last Super Bowl’’ to ‘‘Last night on television.’’ And if you have a job, does he ever have to know what you earn and what you think about what you earn? I heard a young female publicist complain to her date she didn’t get a raise, and saw the disgust in the

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eyes of her date, who looked like a schoolteacher or artist and probably earned half what she was complaining about. Be sensitive to what you communicate about your assets and salary; it had best be nothing until you and he start splitting the rent. You want him interested in you, not the topic you introduced in the conversation. Men are interested in cars and computers and sports and gadgets, and in the outdoors. So have something to say about these subjects, or be marginalized conversationally by everyone else in a group who does. Or you can get interested in it, truly, because you are interested in him. Also, if there arises an opportunity for any fact or statistic, go for it. When you read a news article, note the statistics, any statistics: the world’s biggest jellyfish, how far the man flew in the chair carried by helium balloons . . . who cares? Most men will focus on whatever you can pull out of the almanac. Statistics have a way of making men feel on safe ground. Other suggestions include: • Speak clearly, slowly, and think about lowering the timbre and level of your voice slightly. • Don’t personalize everything. Talk about the movie, not what ‘‘I’’ felt, why ‘‘I’’ went, and ‘‘my taste.’’ • Forget about making an impression; touch your solar plexus to resume your slow-breathing/composed mood. • Leave him wanting more. It is acceptable to do small talk, which is supposed to be small, harmless, and inoffensive. Small talk is about the weather, where you can by the cheapest gas, and the price of stamps. But minimize this. If it becomes boring to both of you, you know you have something in common and can move on to other topics. HE’S INTERESTED: KEEP THE INTERACTION GOING, PART II As the relationship progresses, you want to use your great asset of having been down this road to intimacy before. Keep in mind that timing is more important than communication. Are you both ready for a fresh start? If he’s not (because he’s on the rebound, or needs to sow his oats, or is immature and therefore still a jerk relationship-wise), all attempts will fail. Being Open to Being Interested Being open is not a posturing attitude but an active attempt to be loving, compassionate, and caring. My partner spent one summer where he adored discussing different kinds of gravel for the long driveway

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that comes up our field. I was surprised when my youngest child found this funny. Naturally, it was funny, but because he was interested I was interested (in his thought processes). Manners and Politeness, Always Say you are in bed having a grand time. You’re crying out and making facial expressions that are only made during sex or in the barnyard. Then the two of you hop up, and you are discussing your day’s schedule while he is checking the weather forecast on the Internet. Gee, he is so calm now; did he mean what he said and did we mean what we did? Between pillow and out-of-bed partner talk/interaction, the constant factor to keep a couple in synch is politeness. ‘‘I thought that having a husband would be relief from being nice and cordial all the time,’’ said Sylvia, a school psychologist. ‘‘I figured on a release from conventional manners along with the obvious sexual release. But taking care of the other’s feelings and sharing in a cordial way is what has to go on in every venue of your married life.’’ And you may have a different style than your partner. Alexis, a stayat-home mom married to a police detective said: I like hugging and tickling and such, but when Sean and I have sex in the daytime I like to go right at it. Then I prefer to jump up and get on with the day, energized by sex. Sean lavishes me with foreplay, and because it’s an expression of love, do you think I tell him to cut to the chase? No, because even an unguarded remark in that direction would be selfish and harsh. Our sex, like the rest of our life as a couple, benefits from being polite. And when we are satiated and he snoozes with his heavy arm thrown over me I rarely leap up; I match my breathing to his instead.

If we develop the art of courtesy, we make it an aspect of our being and it smoothes the gears of romantic relations—often at moments when the stakes are high. C. Northrop Parkinson, who came up with the concept of Parkinson’s Law, wrote: ‘‘There is no greater mistake than to suppose that marriage frees us from the need to be polite. It rather does the opposite, demanding from us more than politeness in circumstances when our temptation is to offer less. . . . We are sometimes driven to conclude that what people think may be less important than what they say.’’1 FIFTEEN TIPS FOR COMMUNICATION IN AN ONGOING ROMANCE 1. Make communication a priority. Make sure there is an emotional connect point every day. If there is no emotional connect, there is no connect.

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2. Establish and maintain eye contact. Shakespeare called the eyes the ‘‘window to the soul.’’ Look lovingly in. 3. Ask open-ended questions. Rather than ‘‘Did you like the movie?’’ ask ‘‘What do you think about the movie?’’ 4. Use reflective listening. When your partner says, ‘‘I am not sure how I feel about you,’’ say ‘‘You have some uncertainty about your feelings for me’’ rather than ‘‘If you don’t know how you feel about me, I guess that’s the end of us.’’ 5. Use ‘‘I’’ statements. Say ‘‘I am upset that you are late’’ rather than ‘‘You are always late.’’ 6. Avoid being negative. Keep a record on a three-by-five card in your purse. How often do you criticize your partner? Not too often I hope or he’ll be gone. No one likes to be criticized. 7. Say positive things about your partner. Don’t be silly about it but seize opportunities to compliment your partner . . . and watch your flower bloom. 8. Give your partner space. If your partner is not in the mood to talk, don’t press it. Get up and do something else. Don’t force your partner to talk unless there is a readiness to do so. 9. Tell your partner what you want. If you want your partner to visit your parents with you, tell him. 10. Stay focused on a single issue when talking about you and him. When you are discussing his buying an expensive boat without consulting you, don’t remind him he leaves the lights on or always eats the last cookie or didn’t speak to your mom last week. 11. Resolve disagreements with a specific agreement for new future behavior. If you being chronically late is a problem, resolve to be on time or call ahead. 12. Select your talking context carefully. When you need to have a talk about something difficult, do it after a night of good sleep and without alcohol. In a corner booth at a quiet restaurant or on a park bench, you’re both more likely to choose your words carefully. A walk may also serve as a good context. 13. Match the verbal with the nonverbal. Saying you are not upset while rolling your eyes and folding your arms is a mismatch of the verbal and the nonverbal. Similarly, saying that you enjoy being together while posturing your body so that your back is to your man is also a mismatch. 14. Share the power. Try to boss your man around and he will dump you. Require respectful equality and you will keep him. 15. ‘‘I’m sorry.’’ Say it.

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WHEN HE SAYS ‘‘I LOVE YOU’’ If you are waiting for a man to say it, you can’t imagine being disappointed how or why he says it. But women say that because the ‘‘I love you’’ confession doesn’t come in the package they expected, they can find it upsetting. Suppose he said ‘‘I love you’’ and you felt it was too soon or he said ‘‘I love you’’ after two drinks? Don’t pin a man down when the feeling wells up and he expresses it. If you aren’t ready to say it, try to be very warm and appreciative and not linger on this interlude. If your silence becomes too awkward, simply say, ‘‘I need more time.’’ Basically ‘‘I love you’’ is no more likely to be simultaneous than a couple’s sexual crescendos. NOTE 1. C. Northrop Parkinson, Mrs. Parkinson’s Law (Boston: Houghton Mifflin and University of California Press, 1968), 32.

11 Being in the Moment: There’s No Place Else

Time for rich silence The passionate season, For the present tense Beyond speech, outside reason.

—May Sarton, ‘‘Time for Rich Silence’’

One of the walls of the garage leaned in, and the door should have

been replaced years ago, but because she was a divorced woman with a young child, the garage was never going to make it to the top of Amanda’s priorities. It got to the point where Minnesota snowdrifts and winds had piled dirt and fallen leaves in the garage, and the neighbor’s cats could enter and leave at will. Amanda was waiting to designate a windfall of cash to improving things, because she knew her property was her major asset, but she didn’t get around to this, and vaguely hoped the tipsy garage and its crooked door would resolve their problems on their own. THE LOVE STORY BEGINS Then, one warm July day, the door was jammed. Two strong neighbors tried but neither could open it; the time to replace the door had arrived. From the Yellow Pages, Amanda hired the first person that said, ‘‘I’ll come over today.’’ Amanda lived an hour north of St. Paul, where the installer had his business. He arrived early, mid-Saturday afternoon, and Amanda, being a social worker and friendly, quickly learned a lot about the person she had hired. Constantine was an electrical engineer who had been in the U.S. a year and was living with his brother and sister-in-law and studying for his engineering license while installing inexpensive garage doors.

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They were not the best doors, he explained, but they did the job. In semifluent, heavily accented English he told Amanda that due to the lean of the garage he would have to work on the overhead pulley. The job took five hours and he charged her what he had said over the phone. When Constantine finished, it was dark and past dinnertime, and Amanda invited him to dinner. What had she seen to cause her to break a conventional barrier and invite him to dinner? ‘‘He looked good, worked hard, was funny, and was relaxed with my child,’’ said Amanda. ‘‘He knew classical music. He had a kinetic way of jumping up and illustrating a fact or story that made up for gaps in his vocabulary.’’ By the time his truck pulled out of the driveway, they were interested in each other. Amanda wondered if she would see Constantine again. But he phoned the next week to see if the door was satisfactory and asked if she was interested in a concert in St. Paul. ‘‘I said, ‘When?’’’ Amanda told me, her smile gleaming. The next year, they married and had twins, and are a couple to enjoy every day together. DEBRIEFING Said Amanda: I had been divorced for five years and I’m not a kooky sort of person, and when you’re on your own you have to protect yourself. What happened I think was that in the hours that Constantine was out there in the garage I picked up who he was to some extent, and then when we sat together while he drank coffee I garnered more. You could say I was extremely alert. I already knew I wasn’t going to chase love but I wasn’t going to let my chance go by. Some people think the movies where strangers start to fall in love and then are separated are romantic but I never liked those plot lines. I believe in seizing the chances that are opened to you.

A Buddhist fable says, ‘‘The master holds the disciple’s head underwater for a long, long time; gradually the bubbles become fewer; at the last moment, the master pulls the disciple out and revives him; when you have craved truth as you crave air, then you will know what truth is.’’ It is important if you are not meeting the right man to put the same focus on this enterprise as you did in competitive swimming, or working backstage at a school production, or earning money for your own car. Whatever your age and stage, finding a man you love and who loves you, and being in the early stage of the relationship with him takes an intense focus.

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Here is how it goes: I want to be with someone. I will not compromise my ideas or values. I know that starting with someone new brings unpredictable and uncontrollable elements that will challenge my habits and understanding. I will continue on my path to individuation and not lament the absence of this mate who has not yet become mine (and will not try to cage him). I will walk my path with confidence, with my hand out for him to grasp. With a fine man like Constantine, and seeing as happy a pair as Amanda and him, single women make the good-natured quip about whether he has an older (or a younger) brother. In fact, we have already met paragons over and over. That these two recognized each other and built a life together is not by luck or design but readiness and focus. Let’s deconstruct the stages of the recognition that this is the one. Step 1. In her line of work, Amanda has to be impersonal in personal matters. As a pretty, single thirty-year-old she is frequently approached (‘‘hit on’’) by men and is practiced in giving the cold shoulder. She is also a mom and protective of her child and herself. Yet she also believes that you don’t categorize people. Constantine was manly, tall, dark, and handsome, and from a foreign culture known for machismo, but she knew that stereotyping was counterproductive and she related to his humanness. Step 2. She let her mind flow with the thought of enjoying the moment. She had a fleeting memory of how her ex-husband had said it was bad manners to talk to the waiter/waitress, and then conjured up that the gossipy neighbor would probably comment on how handsome the installer was the next day. Then she forgot these snatches of discouraging memory and thought that it was great to be a friendly person meeting another. Step 3. As he spoke, Amanda listened with underlying sympathy and identification. Here was someone who had gone through school in another country and now had to study again, at night, in America; someone whose family had suffered. She said, ‘‘I thought that if he were my son I’d hope someone would be kind.’’ Step 4. She acknowledged that she was attracted to Constantine. This was not a foundation for an affair, and needed to have no outcome. It was an emotion of happiness at being there, on her front steps with an interesting, vibrant person she felt in sympathy with. She knew from her professional work how to keep up her guard to the level necessary.

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Constantine felt all this: that she related as a human being, that she was having a good time, her kindness, and her being attracted to him. He thought Amanda was lovely to look at, had a beautiful voice, and was a neat mother. He too let his mind flow, thinking, ‘‘This is the sort of woman I want to be the mother of my children.’’ STAYING ATTUNED If you have learned any new sport where balance is crucial, such as skiing, rollerblading, ice skating, or rowing, you know the moment that you feel on top of things. This is how it is with a new relationship—like an art. There is a phase of any romance where the feelings of comfort and affection are in the bud, when you really do have to pay more attention than when things between you become more routine. Being in the moment takes galvanizing your intuition and reason. This is not the way of adolescent love. If you stay in the moment, you are poised. Having had a fallow period tends to make us, whether man or woman, just a little too eager. There should be no forcible sharing or having sexual contact just to get through it! IS HE IN THE MOMENT? Sometimes you are with a man who is talking about something that isn’t what you sense he really wants to say. He may discuss his day or work, or going out with friends last night, but there is some other content underlying this. If you look him in the eye, and look thoughtful, he is likely to mirror your pensiveness and focus his consciousness and tell you what is on his mind. Said Maggie: We were talking about having entertained our friends when something darkened in Rob’s mood. It turned out that he had thought my friends boring. I had told him how funny they were and he thought them merely domineering and rude. It made me feel bad but it was very important he get it off his chest, and I don’t have to put us in one-on-one situations with these particular friends.

Because Maggie was ready for a healthy, caring, lasting relationship, she didn’t ball up inside herself and exaggerate that Rob had called her friends boring. Rob’s vantage was negative, and she thought he lost out by not finding her friends as funny as did she. But she did not require it and, to Rob’s credit, she noticed that he had been genial. Also, she was

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only likely to see these friends about twice a year so it made little difference to the friends or her that Rob didn’t cotton to them.

POISE A woman who doesn’t need a man has a rigid (and sometimes frigid) air with them. A woman who has a man is removed in her associations with men. A woman who is available is present in spirit not only bodily in all her associations with men. When we long to be handfast with a loved one, we should not be ashamed to let the fact be known. It is not a wiggle-of-the-hips kind of sexual assertion but a cock of the head, or a gentle wrapping of our words around his. There is no reason to worry about getting a date or thinking about all the roadblocks with a man if you stay focused. The stories about meeting the man or woman of your life when filling up the gas tank or waiting in line at the grocery store point out that the romantic connection is not an accident, but in a certain measure planned. The planning, clearly, was not ‘‘I’m putting on lip gloss and fluffing up my hair so I can meet someone when I do errands,’’ but rather being open for the moment. You may always be half a second away from meeting someone just like Amanda, who picked up the phone to hear the voice of a man who would fix her garage. Part of creating the readiness is reconstituting your priorities. Mentally you are a lighthouse that beams light for wayfarers but doesn’t get up and go after them. Practically, you make sure you are seen in this pretty and available phase of your life, from doing errands or sports to going out with friends and just, generally, circulating. For the man who has been missing love in his life for a while, the sight of that poised woman is just what the doctor ordered: she is a pleasant, attractive woman, an irresistible aphrodisiac.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR, ULTIMATELY? If you consider your past, it may surprise you how different a person you wished for at different times. My first crush was on an aristocrat whose princely bearing it turned out was because he was literally a prince of a deposed Iranian regime, the Qajars. He appeared godlike to a sixteen-year-old romantic girl. In fact he was I bet a fine person but I couldn’t have known it from my hero-worshipping posture. Years later, when a friend gave me a personal ad as a birthday gift, and I had young children, I put in the ad that I was seeking a father

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with single custody so that we could raise our children together. At another time, I put an ad in New York Review of Books, looking for a man my age who ‘‘loved his mother.’’ On still another occasion, I revised my profile to a man who would be like a red setter—dash across the moor, come in and shake the raindrops off his coat, and curl up by the fire—a male presence, to spend a cozy afternoon. Today, my mate is a large person who spends a lot of time outdoors and thus smells of grasses, wood, and clover, and is calming and also likes love in the afternoon. He even has wavy, curly hair. I found him, which meant also eliminating other might-have-been mates, because I was ultimately looking for him. But how different all these men were. If you admit you are single right now and looking, then give every man where you feel any chemistry could develop a chance. Most women are looking for someone stable and trustworthy, but beyond that one woman wants someone who is fun, another wants one who is fascinating; and still another wants someone to share her ambitions. In the moment when you encounter the man—after the initial introduction but before you are intimate—you size up your highly individual desires. What if he were the father of your child? What if the previous boyfriend showed up again—would you drop him? Some of this thinking can be done at leisure, but often the best time to refine your impressions and objective is when he is present—while looking into his eyes and in rapport. RELATEDNESS Hunting means, naturally, being hyperalert. When the deer are grazing in front of our house, they look as though they haven’t a care in the world. But if we make noise more than a muted exchange of words they twitch their ears and look towards the direction of the sound. Their nonchalance combined with their taut preparedness to retreat or leap is a fabulous model for passing over into a new relationship. Let’s not be ashamed, in the twenty-first century, of asserting our huntress side. Knowing that it is normal to want to love and be loved puts you many squares ahead on the Parcheesi game board of love.

12 Sexual Makeover: The New Sexual You

Kiss me again, re-kiss and kiss me whole; Give me one of your most delectable, Give one of your most affectionate; I’ll give you back four more as hot as coal.

—Louise Labe, Sonnet XVIII

Love is a candle and sexual desire is its flame. It can be beautiful and

warm or it can scorch you and burn your castle. To remain in awe of sex is sane. We have reason to. We bear the primary responsibility for babies, so having sex has unique implications for us. To be sexual is to need to mate. If only an unattached woman could wear a T-shirt that said ‘‘I need,’’ or more shocking in today’s dating mores, ‘‘I’m needy.’’ Because that is what having a sexually healthy identity means—need. This doesn’t mean being sex crazed and only focused on sex, men, romance, or nesting; it means that women naturally seek completion. Men don’t get our need to mate and nest. Not that they are nefarious, but by wiring and socialization, oblivious. So it is important that we take care of ourselves as well as be patient and understanding. STEP ONE: BE ALERT Men can leave you high and dry. This truth points to the first thing to do for your sexual makeover: be on the alert. If you are a woman who glides through life, strive at this juncture to be the careful self that holds a banister before climbing down a steep stair or who double-checks that you turned the stove off before going away for the weekend. Endeavor to harness your rational self to the sexual self, because what looks so effortless, going to bed with various men, acting like a guy, can leave

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you in the lurch, with the man thinking we are just not in the swing of things. STEP TWO: BE CLEAR ABOUT YOUR EXPECTATIONS The second step of your sexual makeover is to be very calm, calmer than you were that other or the first time, not just before you get involved, but as you leap into sex. If you can detach enough to visualize that he will not be there in the morning, or he may go back to some other woman, or you will find the initial intoxication doesn’t measure up, then you can enjoy sex without a surprise awaiting you, like dry ice. STEP THREE: ASSESS HIS HONESTY The next thing is to ask a simple question, ‘‘Does he lie?’’ (Most men and women do.) It takes a while to have the information to know, but you may have this information without registering it. The man may lie about you first. He is on the phone with his girlfriend in Seattle, while you and he take a break from making out on the couch. ‘‘Nothing,’’ he says. It’s an old girlfriend he already told you about, and you feel sure it won’t rekindle between them; but think about it, why does he have to lie? He has not taken monastic vows, and he presumably is a social animal. Can’t he say, ‘‘I have a friend over,’’ or even ‘‘My friend [fill in your name] is watching the Australian Open final with me.’’ Take note. Another common example is the divorced dad who tells his ex-wife: ‘‘I can’t take the kids, I’m working.’’ Do you want to be a party to that? No! If he thrives on prevaricating and uses lies to get along in life, he will surely lie to you in the sexual arena. STEP FOUR: BE CLEAR THAT HE’S WORTH IT Ask yourself: If he were to vanish tomorrow, is the experience worth it? I had an affair with a wonderful man who used to blow smoke rings after we had sex and write essays in the air that he more or less recorded the next day on the printed page. I couldn’t tell you what he said but for a writer like me his eloquence was like listening to J. S. Bach composing a cantata. However, if you just might come away from the sexual episode, or indeed from being with your man, like a beggar turned away from the door, don’t do it! The experience is not worth it.

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BREAKUPS: PART OF THE RELATIONSHIP LANDSCAPE When in a good relationship we feel happy and buoyant. The feeling side is basically satisfied and is like a perch from which we can fly and enjoy life and face its challenges. When we are in a bad relationship it hurts to put a foot forward. Our bodies feel like lead and our nerves are brittle. We have to shut off the feeling side to go about our daily lives. After a breakup is the toughest on us physically but deep down we know it’s a time rich with potential. We are going to emerge like a butterfly in spring. Of the sixty women and ten men interviewed for this book, all but two spoke of the aftermath of a breakup as heart wrenching and disorienting. One person said she was able to lose herself in her work and another said she had an ability to bounce back totally after seven days of ‘‘wallowing.’’ Yet nearly all women described the interregnum—the period between romances—as physically draining, with their biological clocks topsy-turvy as well. The easiest things—falling asleep, getting up, having a meal, or going for a walk—could bring tidal waves of suffering and frightening sensibilities of imbalance and even pain. BENEFIT OF A MAKEOVER KIT? None of the women interviewed recalled being devastated by having ‘‘no one to love.’’ To the contrary, all the women recall the aftermath of the breakup as a time of growth and reconstitution of self. However, these individuals often said they had to make a concerted effort to reanimate their spirits and the conviction that they were sexy and desirable. While taking a significant breather from being with a man (by choice or circumstances) they agreed they had to go through some sort of rebirth of their sexual dimension. They received specific suggestions from friends or books or family, and devised remedies and touch-ups tailored to themselves. After a relationship that you entered on Cloud 9 falters, you can either wait for time, which cures all, to get your groove back, or you can be more active. A lot of us could have spent less of our attention on analyzing what went wrong and more on spiffing up our bodies, minds, and spirits—the stuff of this chapter. Think of it as like the rhinestone compact our grandmothers used to carry to a party or fancy restaurant. Ostensibly it was to powder one’s nose, but wasn’t the real purpose to release the catch and see the clasp pop open and then say, ‘‘Hmm, so that’s how I look tonight’’? She met in the mirror the face she put on for the occasion, and also her eyes and the impression she was giving to others. In the same way, we can do

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things that get our groove back, and engender consistently constructive dating and mating habits. Here are some specifics so the mirror in the compact of our minds reflects a beautiful sexual creature again. First Tier of Your Sexual Makeover Kit You are gearing up for a great new relationship and thinking about ‘‘what I should have done,’’ ‘‘how I can improve next time,’’ and most especially, ‘‘how to go for a guy of better caliber.’’ First there’s the worn-out ‘‘It’s not you, it’s me’’ (that he says). And that’s true, but you cannot help but think it is you—if he left you. And even if you left him, you might still wonder why you are having such a hard time finding the right guy. You do know that it’s not you. Oh, you may have some issues. You are jealous (but really, how can you not be when you see him checking out every woman who walks by?!); you didn’t like his mother; you can’t stand watching sports and he is crazy about that; you shop a little too much; you have a tendency to get gloomy (or blow up) a few days each month. But are these such horrible things? You do know you’re okay just the way you are. (I am a woman.) You want to find someone who loves you just the way you are. That’s really what this search for love is about—love me for me. So, what can you do to make yourself feel better and get yourself ready to open up to a new experience? Hanging out with girlfriends, getting a manicure, pampering yourself, et cetera do work—as shallow as that might seem to some men (who go shoot a few hoops or slug down some beers with the guys because they, too, know they are just fine the way they are). Yet, what can you actually change about how sexy you feel? Here are practical, no- or low-cost tips that will make you feel slinky, sexy, more in charge of your feelings, and more resilient when you are occasionally engulfed with or beset with moments of regret: • Having your body feel smooth and silky enhances your feeling sexy. It’s great to feel touchable even when we’re paddling our own life canoe alone. If you received body butter for a birthday or Christmas it is probably still in its neat little container . . . use it! This is best after the bath or shower. Most drugstore creams are sticky. Find a good one and use it profligately at night and go out smooth into the world. • Hands that are graceful mesmerize in a quiet way. Self-massage your hands when you are half-asleep or relaxed watching an old movie. Put a hand towel and the cream by the couch. Do this even when you are not doing a manicure.

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• Foot-soak daily and do it as a ritual so you get absorbed in the idea of pampering yourself. After the foot soak, massage your feet (especially squeezing the ankles and rolling your knuckles underneath). This is a type of massage that is done just as well yourself. Then put on something pretty, not the raggedy T-shirt or bathrobe. • Candles lend a peaceful atmosphere and are linked to romance. Same with ruby red hibiscus tea; make it as though you were preparing tea for a valued guest, the honey or fresh leaves in a tea ball, whatever. Drink it in style. • Walk by yourself in a beautiful place. A walk hand in hand with my mate is the most romantic of all activities to me, but when I walk alone I feel the love in the universe and the acceptance of the natural world that I belong. • Strut the avenue. Show cleavage and catch the guys’ admiration in the container of your mind—to be decanted next time you think about the guy who dissed or disillusioned you. • Lose an inch around the waist (or back). It’s likely to be the only kind of buffing that makes you feel sexier. • Wear a top that shows off your shapely breasts/legs/tush. • Cry over a sad romantic movie, as letting tears out refreshes a person and the romantic chords in the movie make you feel dreamy. • Shower and return to bed a-morning when off work. Surround yourself with fun things—for me that’s doing a portion of a quilt in an embroidery hoop, reading an art book, and doing a crossword puzzle. If you wear drawstring pants and a T-shirt you are ready to rush to the front door or take the dog out—and return to luxuriate in bed. • Consider which secret luxury will make you feel sultry and do it: go to a secondhand store and scout for party shoes, or maybe it’s foils for golden hair around your face, fresh flowers or whatever. . . . • Do Pilates and think as you exercise how these are similar moves as when you have sex. • Raise flowers that speak to you sensually—a few rosebushes in your garden or a potted gardenia indoors. Surround yourself with new color; orange and blue is a combination that has the psychological effect of raising people’s spirits. Is this the moment to adopt a pet? Rita, an opera singer, said: After my divorce I got a big mutt and when I brushed its coat and buried my face in its fur collar I felt both of us were living a life of the senses, and when I saw it snoozing I fell asleep happy. One of the firefighters at the station near my apartment actually lent me the dog so it went to the firehouse when I traveled.

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Second Tier of Your Sexual Makeover Kit Because sex for women is best when it includes romance, a sexual makeover needs to include bringing romance back into your life. But you do need also to feel the biological side (how good to let yourself feel good if you have been dealt some blows and are sexually and emotionally lonely): • Masturbation is a word invented by a prude, I’m sure, because it sounds ugly. How about lying down naked and reacquainting with your physical self by touch? • Neck and noodle. You’ve gone all the way (and back!), but to kiss someone attractive and have it go nowhere is excellent for the ego— viz., I’m not being used. • Have sex when you feel like having sex. You don’t have to love the man, but be a true friend—don’t mislead him and don’t just walk away. Treat him well even if he’s someone who is passing through— how good that he is and can make you feel good! • Take your time, find yourself again, believe in yourself again. And then turn on the ‘‘I’m Ready’’ switch; let the glow come out of your eyes and skin and the rest will come.

Start Smiling Perhaps most importantly, as you reclaim your sexual energy put out a signal that you are available. That means smile, which comes from the feeling deep inside that you’re available—not that you are wounded and needy, but that you are ready. Said Glenda, who found not only her beloved but someone to write travel articles with her: A friend of mine used to say she could tell when I reached this point of healing. She called this my ‘‘satellite dish’’ and said that whenever I turned it on, I had plenty of men to date. She was right—even though I didn’t recognize it until she pointed it out. It might take me a few years before I was ready, but when I was, I ‘‘switched’’ something on—something inside that said, ‘‘Okay, I’m ready’’—and truly, there were men right there, sweet men, even though they might not be ‘‘the one’’ right away, he would be in the mix.

If a male friend invites you out, go with him. Even if you aren’t attracted to him, get dressed up, go somewhere, feel good about yourself.

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AM I USING HIM? We progress from being innocent to being sophisticated in the realm of the senses. Sometimes we know that the relation with a new man is impermanent. Some women, at different stages of their life, can have intercourse with a man whom they are not spinning into any web of their future. They experience and fulfill lust. This is not love, which involves security and support of each other, but it can be memorable and give a woman new information about herself and the nature of intimacy. Sometimes a woman feels unfeminine to have relations that are pure lust. One view is that this is a rather masculine approach to sex. I have called it ‘‘having my way with him’’ even though that is an expression that was about a man ravishing a woman. Whether this is a positive experience or a negative one depends on your perception/interpretation of the event. I think that the female psyche has a natural tendency to build a castle of love with the bricks and mortar of sex, and not see value in the sexual escapades that become a sort of necklace of cheap beads one can pull out of the drawer. However, surely some experimentation is better than sleeping with an ass and imagining he is a god— simply from na€ıvete and inexperience. Sex is about getting out of your head into your body. If you accept responsibility for your behavior and if you can see the casual sex as fairly detached emotionally this way, and take care with the health angle, with these caveats, sex may do you as a woman good.

KEY DIFFERENCES IN SEX BETWEEN YOUR PARTNERS On the whole spectrum of the sensations that men create in intercourse, men are different. The women I interviewed agreed to a person that each man performed differently in sex—amazing when you think of the basic act! Most men love oral sex but some like it at the beginning of intercourse, some as a prologue earlier in the day, and some think it’s heaven to come to a climax in the woman’s mouth. Some men are also more focused on your climax. Some are not. Train those that are not. Some men are disconcertingly aware of exactly when you climax, or what percent of an orgasm you reach. Some men are slow to orgasm, some fast. With the swifties, romp in bed with your clothes on while only intermittently contacting his sex, as you both heat up.

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VARIETY Sex with the same partner can be endlessly varied. New partners were not something the women who were interviewed thought was ‘‘hot’’ compared with being with the same partner for years. Nobody said that they felt driven to return to dating if they were in a good relationship— that old pattern was carried out and done. STAYING COOL With a guy who is very interested in you, it’s easy to go overboard. So stay cool! Some of us have been prey to our greedy wish for a man, any man, at a certain moment, with or without alcohol, and we have made some mistakes—not only sleeping with a ridiculous person but subjecting a great guy to an outbreak of repressed emotion. Go through psychological reconciliation of your life/situation lest buried emotions burst forward in a way you didn’t anticipate or want. Back to rose gardening or a quiet evening with a friend; you can express your sensual side by low-key and safe means as you experience the rebirth of desire and ability to love. GHOSTS The ghosts that will waft around the bedroom are the other men you hit the sack with in the past. The ghosts will greet you even if they were crummy lovers and you never had a meaningful tie to them. It’s the typical experience of women to compare men’s bodies and sexual technique ad infinitum. The intense sensations of sex seem to bring out these dreams of the past man/men like a host of colored butterflies. That includes the unhappy past sexual experiences, as is to be expected. It’s okay to have these memories. Relax. Meanwhile, because you are climbing a ladder to a better love—where you have more self-awareness, tolerance, potential, and control—the present sexual act energizes you and infuses the bond with warmth. The man in bed with you, your prince if you have climbed the ladder this far, is aware of your past although he may rarely speak of it. Men are competitive. If he wants to discuss this be courteous and of few words. Start from the premise in your mind that thinking of your ex and him are not mutually exclusive. PROJECTING ALLURE You see your beloved coming down the street towards you. . . . You have rink-side seats to a pro hockey game and you admire a skater

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zooming across the ice flashing his stick. . . . You watch a gorgeous male button up a leather jacket. Feeling the sizzle of desire, the spark of life, whether very consciously or quite unconsciously does us untold good. Not merely because it keeps us young, although it undoubtedly does, but because in the context of transiting to a new relationship, our awareness of sexual energy tones us. We are too smart to go out and screw every man who presents himself; better for a temporary retreat from a sex life and focus on igniting passion and romance by all the little things that make us feel womanly. Create a context of sexual intoxication. Experiment. Take the bubble bath and the walk in the woods, eat a fine chocolate candy and luxuriate in little ways, and then walk out into the world and see if the guy at the hardware store or down the hall doesn’t look up as though you are wearing a pheromone perfume!

13 Your Wedding Night: A Night to Remember

It was everything I had hoped it would be. —A bride after her first wedding night

You are blessed. You found a person who wants to hold hands with

you and look in the same direction through life. Whether you look forward to raising a family or blending one, or sharing other experiences, your hopes and dreams now include each other. If with your first serious boyfriend/significant other/spouse you bit into the cake and got a mouthful of stale cake or gobs of icing, now you anticipate real nourishment of a life together. And it officially begins on your wedding night. The beauty of the wedding night is the coming together of the erotic and the spiritual as you anticipate your days and years ahead. And both levels benefit from a bit of prior planning. Since 85 percent of newlyweds have already had sex with each other (and 60 percent have lived together),1 the first night is not your first physical intimacy but is equally as significant, and certainly can also be as memorable. Indeed, your wedding night is much more about cleaving together as two harmonious people who have vowed their love to the world than about the sexual act of intercourse. No matter how close you’ve been for how long, the first night in each other’s arms as husband and wife has symbolic meaning like no other. You might as well have landed on a deserted tropical island because everything between you has the same newness. Yet as brides are putting more into the planning of their wedding, they sometimes forget that here, between the sheets, is where the joyous private essence of their loves lies. The wedding-industrial complex, an industry that heats up the planning so a lot of money is spent to prove emotional depth, says not to cut corners (if you don’t have fancy favors on the table the guests won’t feel honored). The entire wedding is choreographed. You have to

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have ‘‘events.’’ But the wedding night is not on the wedding planner’s list, yet, the pent-up, sentimental, grandiose, gleeful, bone-weary, and bursting-with-love bride is going to end up between the sheets. So what’s the deal? The one thing all couples experience that have formal weddings, as opposed to eloping, is the letdown. Now, as fifty years ago, you’ve spent the whole day regaled in the fairy-tale fete, and now it’s just two people whose emotions have probably flagged. ‘‘It was everything I had hoped it would be.’’ You can be sure a bride who says this to a mother, sister, or friend is speaking of the loving intimacy of that first-night interlude. When you are tired and stressed out, your libido begs more for recovery than sex. Yet there are expectations of what the first night should be. Nobody has any personal experience to rely on, not unless it’s a second or third marriage, and there’s no trial run, so the best advice is to give thought beforehand to the experience between the sheets. Our survey of ninety-eight ‘‘wedding nights’’ indicates that most couples want four things from these hours that are a bridge to the honeymoon. They want to relax, have fun, not feel the pressure of some idealized scenario, and have a night to remember (fulfilling that scent of romance in the air). The enchantment is yours no matter how the wedding night shapes up. Take into account there is no one wedding night. It’s the most private of occasions and ushers in but doesn’t stamp any pattern on the sealing wax of a future life. There are as many wonderful variations on what transpires in the bridal chamber as bridal bouquets or reception venues. Part of having realistic expectations is to acknowledge the enormous variety in first nights. Think of the possibilities as a continuum from partying/drinking all night until morning so there is no wedding night (not that night, anyway), but collapsing in bed out of exhaustion, to holding each other in a loving embrace till morning, to having hot electric sex again and again until the sun comes up.

WITH A LITTLE PLANNING Sex and the wedding night go together like a bouquet of roses and a vase, but when do you fill the vase with water and arrange the flowers? In deciding the schedule of your wedding, consider the first night. A clear message from our respondents is their utter exhaustion on their wedding night and their suggestion to those who follow to have their wedding early in the day so that the couple will have the night to themselves without being worn out.

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Have the Wedding Early in the Day The optimal hour for a wedding is 11 a.m., with a lunch reception; or a three o’clock ceremony with tea, dance, and refreshments (but no meal). If you really want your guests to mingle, you may want the meal. If you prefer to invest in live music and/or a stunning venue, as opposed to a banquet, consider a wedding with refreshments in a reception room at the church, museum, or wherever the ceremony takes place. An outdoor or at-home wedding is typically in the afternoon, when the dew is off the ground. If you select a Sunday, there can be a meal in the midafternoon, as you can presume guests will have a late breakfast. A daytime wedding gives leeway for having a small restaurant open just for you. People will dance in the afternoon if the music gets their feet tapping, and the daytime hours are easy on old people. Let’s say the bride and groom, even if the wedding and reception are on the long side, are waved away before nightfall. Presto, you can pencil in a wedding night. Think of the exciting events presaged on the creamy formal wedding invitations you sent out . . . and of the wedding night as a wax seal that closes the envelope of the whole fabulous occasion. Or Have Your Wedding Night a Day Later Our respondents make clear that more often than not, newlyweds miss out on the wedding night because they fall into a deep sleep, awaken with a hangover, and hurry off to the honeymoon destination the next morning. A delightful solution is to move ‘‘the night’’ forward by at least one or maybe two. Your wedding night can be twenty-four or even forty-eight hours later, when you’ve slept. Indeed, advice given over and over by couples in our survey was to stay in a local hotel the first night and give yourself a full day to recover from the wedding before you begin your honeymoon. Couples who partied and then drove or flew somewhere the first night recalled this was a heedless mistake. ‘‘We needed time to unwind’’ was a constant refrain. Hence, either start the wedding early and leave the party early to be on your way or give up the idea of a hot sex night (we strongly recommend the former). Bodies are like cars, they will run out of fuel, and nothing is left if a person is physically exhausted. It’s okay to have sex the next day: wedding-night sex can just as well be the day-afterwedding sex! It’s a couple’s marriage and they can shed the cultural expectation that sex must be the night of the wedding.

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KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE GOAL: THE WEDDING NIGHT IS A NIGHT OF RENEWAL For some, it may only take a few hours of sleep to realize you are hungry for each other’s love. And, as far as how long the lovemaking and cleaving lasts, you have every option from a gentle pillow fight to a luxurious breakfast in bed. If you are flying out the next day, plan an afternoon flight. Again, the goal of the first night is often renewal. When planning the wedding you just have to give the night its due . . . and this may be luscious sleep. A unique first night was revealed by a couple in our survey. They noted that after their traditional Southern Italian wedding, they were furnished with a lavish meal (beginning in the evening at six) in the bedroom of the house prepared for them. They were left there (alone) and with the door locked for two nights. The idea had a merit we can learn from, as a couple may want to be close and talk, eat, and sleep before sex. ‘‘We enjoyed each other for two full days and then we went on our honeymoon,’’ said the bride. There is a lesson here for couples planning the night as a dynamite occasion. One more detail: Just as when you plan your beach vacation to Cancun or the Jersey shore, when you set the date, choose a time of month you are the least likely to have your menstrual period. (You’d be surprised how many people forget the obvious desirability of this). ANTICIPATING THE JOY There is daydreaming to be done and circumstances you can create to enhance the wedding night, even if it is still quite far off. To make the night as wonderful as it can be, anticipate it in your heart and mind. When you are gazing at the engagement ring on your finger, picture the private interlude after the public ceremony. Live your excitement about the man you are going to marry; carry that excitement with you like a bubble that ascends into the sky and finally bursts beyond the range of sight. Sink mentally into the pleasures you will have. In effect, by thinking about having sex you prime your body to enjoy it to the hilt. Daydreaming is not just for teenagers conjuring up a first kiss! Set the stage for a beautiful night by referring to it. Not ‘‘Guess what, honey, I hope I don’t get too drunk,’’ but ‘‘It will be wonderful to be alone together after the hoopla is done,’’ or ‘‘You’ll love what I’ll be wearing our first night as bride and groom.’’ Give the message that you

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are envisioning being possessed by him as your husband, and that, even if your body is depleted, you know you will desire him. Women are more sensitive to context regarding sex, and we’re also more focused on enjoying the show and less focused on completing the act. Therefore, the dreaming and planning for the wedding night may be more up your alley than his. Cast your thoughts to the first night of the rest of your lives together. Feel the electricity of it amidst the party preparations. Be assured that even if your fiance doesn’t talk about the wedding night he’s eager for the time to arrive. Do part of the wedding preparation by daydreaming about your feelings of attraction to him (as you did when you two first met). As you think about him and your upcoming new bond, you have physical sensations of love. Think of how he takes your breath away when he enters the room, and your love muscles will probably tighten and your heartbeat quicken. This is frankly self-preparation, as you think he is crushing you in his arms, and blood rushes to your pelvic area. Whisper to yourself, ‘‘I want only you,’’ and the petals of self will unfold. This reminds you that you are a sexual being (even if you are on a tight schedule—which we have suggested you avoid—and mindful of getting the luggage downstairs by seven for the limo to the airport).

YOUR SACRED SPACE Belonging together is what carries a couple through junctures when they will experience quarrels or discord. Intimacy, the part where they have intercourse and talk quietly about what is in their hearts, is the foundation of that sense of inalienable belonging. Because the modern wedding is our society’s most extravagant celebration, sex is probably the last thing on the minds of many couples who have expended and sacrificed vast amounts of time, money, and effort creating the perfect day in order to meet outlandish (and superficial) expectations. What couples probably want more than each other (after the wedding) is oblivion, three days of sleep, and never to have to think about any of it ever again. Except, of course, they are now expected to produce photographs of their perfect honeymoon. And to think they could have eloped and actually had enough energy left over for sex! Yet, according to our survey, married couples rate as one of the most important aspects of their wedding that it brought friends and family together for a joyous celebration. They also reported the importance of the wedding night (the reality of having tied the knot).

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Whether sexual fireworks are in your expectations, or being infinitely close to the man you love, make the sacred space of this night unique. Open the locket of your mind and imagine. The scenarios are different for each couple. Going from quiet conversation and cuddling on the couch to intimacy and intercourse is not the same thing as being awakened in the middle of the night by a partner overcome with desire. Athletic sex, or holding hands much of the night, are different again, and on your wedding night you create the platform of sacred space where you embark. On your wedding night you are expressing true love without contingencies. It is an extraordinary promise, in the realm where he and you are king and queen, which makes the intimacy in a sacred place. What could be more thrilling than the faith in each other carried from the vow to the interlude alone? Tell your man how special the prospect of this first night is to you. He is going to delight in your desiring him in bed. When you’re in love you know that rustling his hair during a sports event or having him reach out for your hand in a movie theater can be the sweetest of pleasures. The attitude of giving and receiving provides the indispensable ingredient of your magic together. What we love is foreplay, and although this is generally known, what people think of as foreplay is way too limited. Foreplay isn’t the guy heating up the girl with caresses, but everything that leads up to sex. The adoring glances you give each other during the wedding reception, the discreet touch, or the very visible touch when the two of you cut the cake. It all begins in the brain. Rather than block out how attractive you find your partner during the wedding, tease each other during the preliminary hours to your wedding night. With as light sensations as your fingers on his cuff, give a tantalizing whisper of the extreme pleasures you’ll deliver. BREATHING EASY If you have a wedding followed by a reception, you may require the energy of a channel swimmer to get through your wedding day. You’ll hear advice about going to bed early the night before or eating a good breakfast, but if you are too keyed up to get your energy in these common ways, you needn’t worry if you know about catnap-like breathing. Practice on any exerting day, especially an occasion involving a lot of people. Mentally turn off and do slow-breathing exercise. Look into the distance and focus on no human face (that asks for a reaction), but on the sea, or trees, or a distant landscape or view. Sit up, breathe deep from

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your diaphragm and let your breath fall heavily on your chest (this expels the air so you fully recharge with fresh air in the next breath). There’s no Lamaze technique for weddings, but if you practice these little catnaps in the week prior, you’ll have an ability to conserve energy comparable to the laptop computer that goes into sleep mode. And the excitement of wedding-night sex (whether it shimmers with foreplay or wild forays of intercourse) will depend on a considerable store of reserved energy. ABSTINENCE BEFORE MARITAL SEX Most couples will have been having regular sex before the wedding. Consider, perhaps counterintuitively, a pause. Sexual abstinence before the wedding will ensure that both partners are hungry for each other. We suggest a week or ten days to ensure a ravenous appetite. This artificial pause of your sex lives may seem extreme but couples that do it have a sizzling night. The yearning preceding the wedding is something we can reinvent. As already pointed out, most (85 percent) of brides and grooms will have been having regular sex for months or years. But they have never had marital sex. You can have lovely sex three times a day, but it takes some denial and distance for the wild need to well up. The delight of really wanting each other is the consequent to a break in sex. You come to each other a little shy! You think of making the first Mr. and Mrs. sex something to remember. But men attest they know how to go without as well as women, so you can count on the practicality of this. It’s not just a way of revving up, but of seeing each other as wondrously desirable. Said Timothy, a jazz pianist, ‘‘Abstinence opened our eyes to how much we desired and needed each other.’’ One of the couples we surveyed reported, ‘‘We laid off for ten days and jumped on each other like mountain goats when we got to each other for the first wedding night.’’ If you’ve had a healthy, active sex life, your mind and body are programmed for keeping it at that high level, and if you take a break you are going to crave each other . . . and not be able to get enough. Talk about a wedding night to remember! PAUL AND ELIZA: AN EXAMPLE OF DIFFERENT REACTIONS When Paul, a caterer, married Eliza, a graphics designer, the reception took place in a big Chicago hotel, and at its conclusion (midnight) they went up to their room. Paul immediately changed from his shoes to sneakers, and with an agitated look and a peck on Eliza’s mouth,

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disappeared with the ice bucket down the hallway with an ‘‘I’ll be back in a few minutes.’’ Eliza and Paul had had a whirlwind courtship and she began to doubt: had her family overwhelmed him, was he not ready for conjugal life? Suddenly, with the family that had come from all over gone, and no one to turn to, she felt lonely. Paul hadn’t gone out for ice because it was three-quarters of an hour later when he reappeared, shirttails falling out of his trousers, and panting. ‘‘Where were you?’’ said Eliza, gripping him more tightly than usual. ‘‘Walking is good for stress,’’ he said, ‘‘so I went up and down the floor. Then I saw an exit and went out, and ended up running up and down thirty-one flights of stairs. . . . I feel great!’’ He apologized for being perplexing. ‘‘Usually he’s considerate,’’ Eliza explained. ‘‘I think he knew what he needed though, and I was still learning that.’’ Both Paul and Eliza are quiet types who often need to get away from noise and clamor, but whereas Eliza could shift instantly to being just the two of them, Paul had to shake off his nerves. What’s important is that Eliza recognized Paul’s need to unwind in his own way (however difficult it was for her). GENDER STEREOTYPES What are your differences in relating with your man? Since you have found a complement, either of you may be more prone to sentimentality or anxiety, but what puts the bride and groom in the mood for romantic intimacy isn’t the same. Is it a long kiss or tender remarks? Since the bride is still in princess mode, ‘‘You are the most beautiful bride in the world’’ may be what she hopes to hear. You know each other well, so you’ll know how to crack through the icing and make each other’s heartbeat race and eyes mist over. In general, men and women are true to gender stereotypes. He is going to be inspired by seeing you in the bridal lingerie, and a provocative look of what’s underneath, and by touch. Meanwhile you regale in the little touches of bubble bath, candles, the silky, clingy fabric of the lingerie you chose with him in mind—all the niceties that help you think how good you and he are together. THE DAY OF . . . SOME DETAILS • It’s best not to drink much caffeine on your wedding day; favor herbal tea (passion fruit?), boutique water, or fresh lemonade or citrus juice.

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• Rest your eyes for a few seconds now and then during the day. Use eyedrops to keep your eyes moist. • Moving around is better than standing in one place (being an artist’s model is excruciating, and this is nearly what a bride can feel like unless she strides around, dances, and so forth). • Have a clear departure time from the reception, which will allow time in your bridal suite before the late hours. FROM THE FETE TO THE PRIVATE SPHERE: OVER THE THRESHOLD In olden days, the priest or presiding family member could bless the bed, and the guests could protect the cart with the bridal pair by intoning chants of well-wishing, but only the new husband could carry his bride over the threshold. When you go from your guests to your private quarters, the groom does well to initiate the new life by carrying his bride over the threshold. And, if he is full-bodied he can do so without a hitch (with a little cooperation from you!). Being carried over the threshold is not only traditional and romantic but a really sexy beginning as you pair off after you leave your guests. Two choices: 1. The underhand carry is obvious, and what the groom will execute if he doesn’t practice or think about it much, and unless he knows the other method from lifesaving or summer camp. He puts one arm low at her back, and the other under her knees, and lifts. He has to take care not to trip on her gown. She plasters against him to make her body easier to hoist, and positions her arms loosely so she doesn’t strangle him. 2. The fireman’s carry is a dramatic way to get the bride across the threshold, and, even if she knows it’s coming she may utter an ‘‘Oooo!’’ She should weigh no more than four-fifths of his weight unless he’s a bodybuilder. He holds her under one elbow. He puts the opposing hand around the upper thigh. He locks and lifts. She is positioned across the top of his back. An advantage to the fireman’s carry is that he holds her with only one hand; the other hand is free to open the door, or pull down the covers or canopy on the bed. While you may have done a lot under the sheets, we bet you have seen this maneuver in old movies but never experienced it. There is something about being carried over the threshold that makes you feel faint and in the mood to be ravished.

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PREREQUISITES TO GREAT FIRST SEX AS MR. AND MRS. An overall prerequisite is communication so you talk to reveal the tone and timbre of the night you wish for. Men are more centered on their prowess. He has in his imagination a picture of ripping off the gown. Good men also want intensely to please us. He may forget the anniversary of when you met, or whether you like whole or skim milk in your coffee, but he remembers anything you told him about what sexual techniques you like. They regard us as complicated clocks and will do what they can to ensure the clockwork, as they see it, works. So communicate: When he presses against the full length of your body, when he does something you like—tell him. And, if he is not doing something you like and you want him to—tell him. And, you should also ask him his pleasure . . . what would he like you to do to rocket him off? Also, plan but be improvisational. If he wants to watch sports on TV for a few minutes, enjoy being at his side. But don’t let the time slip by where all you do is count your wedding gifts—an activity not equal to the occasion, although couples do rebound from it. LOVE POTION KIT Here is your sexual love potion kit for the wedding night: 1. Shed the day with a hot shower. Some jocks are major shower guys but yours may need a nudge; the goal is for you both to feel clean as a whistle. Shower together or separately. The advantage of the latter is that you can put on the lingerie while he showers and emerge from the bedroom as a beautiful sex kitten ready for marital paradise. 2. Lights go low. A moonlit or candlelit room is the right context for forgetting the world. 3. Taste. A sip of wine during sustained eye contact to give your mouths the taste you want, and the emotional connection your wedding is all about; if you don’t drink you can have a similar feel from a goblet of sparkling water. 4. Eye contact. Here is the real union, when the level of connection pierces your heart, so beautiful you could cry—this is what it’s all about. 5. Kisses sweeter than wine. Gentle, loving, passion-filled, hungry kisses that caress the soul of each other, as only two people in love on their wedding night can do. The kissing that is luscious and long, and is accompanied by hands that speak and arms that caress with love— that’s the ticket. Your blood rushes. The clothes come off, he puts his

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open mouth on your breasts, and the physical delight with each other continues. 6. Penetration. Deep and slow. Oral sex is a likely prelude to focus you and make you giggle or drive you wild, with penetration as the main menu. With the emotional context of love, eye contact, your wedding, you have found someone to answer your dreams of affection, trust, and companionship. You are transported. You savor the pleasure. You have that special person to cherish and to hold, and you have sex again and again until exhausted in ecstasy. 7. Again. You slide into a blissful sleep only to awaken to go again. 8. Some footnotes. Oral sex may be part of foreplay. This depends on your experience and comfort level. So long as there is plenty of eye-toeye engagement during intercourse, the sexual fires will burn bright. What about marital aids: • A vibrator? The ‘‘bullet’’ is a favorite of many women. You might want to keep it handy. • Erection pills (Viagra, Cialis, Levitra only with the advice and prescription of a physician) as part of the love kit? They certainly can be. • Velvet ropes or more and it’s mutual . . . it’s your night. • Lubrication. For a night of wild abandon, you may tote along a lubricant (nice and easy does it). Expectations. Keep them moderate. You’ve had a long day. You may be exhausted and more than a little drunk. Don’t expect more of this one night than it can deliver. Relax and enjoy. Loving sex is not goal oriented. It is intimacy focused.

ENHANCEMENTS To make your first marital night extra sweet, here are some more suggestions: • Music: In this day and age of portable music, an iPod hooked into a stereo system with the couple’s favorite music is a great idea. A piano solo, New Orleans jazz, or something that has meaning to the two of you. • Movie: a background movie on your laptop that has always been a favorite for making the couple feel sexy, e.g., Firefly or Ghost.

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• Food or drink: You want to have a little something special to eat and drink in the room. Maria and Jeff had to go around the dining tables thanking everyone and toasting, and everyone else who was feasting, but since they were doing the rounds, they hardly ate themselves. And as opposed to getting sloshed, a lot of couples hardly drink because there are many toasts and they don’t want to get drunk. A late supper is a nice way to wind down and transition into the mood of ‘‘Now it’s just the two of us.’’ POTENTIAL PROBLEMS Too much alcohol can result in impotence. Your man will know his limit but may need a wink from you before he drinks the rest of that champagne. If it’s too late the couple should wait until morning and sleep it off. They can still please each other. If the woman is not orgasmic, that may also be alcohol induced but, in general, for women only 30 percent of the time do we climax with intercourse. It is important for a woman to be comfortable with her body. Masturbating needs to occur long before the wedding night because it provides a set point you go back to—like hopping on a bicycle. If a woman is to be orgasmic in marriage, she needs to know how she triggers. There are sometimes disagreements within the couple on what’s on the sexual menu. Discuss ahead of time what your preferences are. If one likes bondage and discipline or the sixty-nine position, and the other is amenable sometimes but doesn’t much like it, this isn’t the night to acquiesce and be a good sport. You want the sex to fulfill both your dreams! No one should ever be forced or required to do what that partner does not enjoy. If intercourse has at any recent time been painful, the physician should be seen ahead of the wedding night to ensure there is no physical problem. It could simply be dryness, so don’t panic. A woman should also learn to recognize symptoms of a bacterial infection when she is sexually active; nipped in the bud, it is inconsequential. IF YOUR MAN IS EXHAUSTED AND DRIFTING TO SLEEP Your wedding night, it sometimes happens that your new husband is depleted, strung out, or just plain falls asleep. Be prepared for this scenario but you may be able to overcome it with love and passion.

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Some possibilities: 1. In one scenario she looks at him fondly sprawled on the bed. Loosens his tie, and kisses his cheek . . . and picks up a paperback romance novel or applies a gooey face masque—he won’t notice anyway. And so even if in good humor, she begins her marriage in acquiescence and understanding for his part in a wonderful ceremony and reception. 2. Or, she senses that this is a talismanic night, she joins him in a catnap during which she projects availability and a subtle need. She throws her arm over him, presses her chest or fanny in his back; or even if he’s dozing, she caresses him. 3. She is half-dressed in the nightgown or wrapped in her veil over nothing and she spoons with him knowing her man loves to help her out of her clothes. 4. She can be kittenish. If he is prone she mounts his back, squeezes her legs around his hips and kisses his earlobes or hair. She is being a little annoying and he may revive. 5. If he’s really out of it, she gives him the hot and cold treatment. Bring on the hot washcloth and a towel dipped in the ice bucket. Put compresses on his head, chest, or back, or rub the washcloth on the soles of his feet and over the tops. DESTRESS? If your bodies feel the stress, then it’s time for a massage or bubble bath. When he gets into this one he won’t think it a feminine frill. You have the herbal potions you brought, at least one individual vial of Kniepp’s Juniper, which turns the bath water green and is as fresh as a walk in the forest, or Body Shop’s Wisdom bath oil, which makes the bath a rich aqua and seems almost imperceptibly to quicken the skin. (We mention the names of two products because so many bath oils and other products are as appealing as pouring in laundry detergent.)

IF SHE FEELS AS UNMOVING AS THE DOLL ON THE CAKE Let’s say you know you are going to need shut-eye before an hour’s up but would dearly love to consummate the marriage first. There are means to jump-start both of you into love fires, of which the following are reminders for the wedding night:

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Use a lubricant (designed for men) which is edible, and apply it to his shaft with your hand (as though bringing up a bucket from a well with one hand). Talk to him about other matters while you do it, as this makes the situation less loaded. Bring him into your mouth, and continue to caress the shaft and his inner thighs while you do so. When he is hard as a rock and wants to move to intercourse, keep him thrusting into your mouth a little longer and then switch. Have lubricant ready to give the man a thrill and intensify the sensations for both of you, if it seems timely. Physical fatigue can be countered with a massage. By massage, people think of a long massage, but that’s an ordeal to give him, or to give each other, if you’ve been on all day. Instead go for the massage of five minutes, and pave the way for lovemaking. THE MORNING AFTER Plan the next day as was done the first night: sleep, coffee, a walk, an event, etc. Remember we recommend the first night in a local hotel with a late-afternoon flight to one’s honeymoon. Avoid with a vengeance a rigid travel schedule and try to get a nonstop flight wherever to avoid a travel hassle (one missed connection can be the start of a honeymoon you don’t enjoy). If you are driving, make the trip no longer than a couple of hours. This is your honeymoon, not a marathon or endurance race. A life has enough difficult issues, so don’t make the wedding into another hurdle to achieve this or that effect. Let the expectation of your first night together as a married couple waft you through the ceremony and party and be the private beautiful memory etched on your big day. NOTE 1. R. Schoen, N. S. Landale, and K. Daniels, ‘‘Family Transitions in Young Adulthood,’’ Demography 44 (2007): 807–30.

14 Keeping Sex Alive: It’s All about Your Relationship

The secret of a good sexual relationship is to make love with your partner, not to your partner. —Diana and Ken Lowe

Just as wedding rings do not make a marriage, a fabulous tryst does

not make for enduring sexual intimacy. Both are the result of attentive planning and nurturing of detail. Keeping the fire burning in your sex life involves carefully stacked logs of love, respect, variety, and technique. In this chapter we review twenty-five specific ways to keep the fire burning in your committed relationship. Cleaving together for long years filled with hot sex is practically an oxymoron. Stereotypes of the couple with a long-standing intimacy smack of routine, boredom, and ‘‘when was the last time’’? Indeed, studies confirm that couples have sex less often over time.1,2 But these studies belie another truth—that committed sex is the most enjoyable sex. When the sex lives of married and single people are compared, the former report greater emotional satisfaction and physical pleasure.3 And why not? Rather than trying to learn the preferences of frequent new partners as is often the case with singles, spouses have a lot of practice to get it right. This chapter is about achieving sex that is not just good, but burning . . . and sometimes hot. Is it possible that instead of a decrescendo as you had with your former boyfriend or mate, the sex will be more wonderful by the month and year? If you want this—if you are a natural lover and you care, the continuum of beautiful, meaningful sex is yours. It used to be said that a good love relationship took work, but more accurately, it takes a consistent attitude of treasuring the bond and the person you are bound to as precious and special. The emotional and sexual intensity of a couple more focused on material success, career

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advancement, or their own egos burns out quickly. Just like a souffle results from the mixing of ingredients stirred in at a timely fashion, so a beautiful sex life results from a recipe of a loving relationship, open communication, and sexual specifics. A compatible couple moves naturally between their intimate and worldly lives—going from fire to water to fire. All good bedroom sex depends on an equally good out-of-bedroom relationship. The following are reminders of things you already know to keep your relationship spinning.

LOVE You have a big advantage because you know what the absence of a partner feels like, and what kind of male presence in your life (including male friendship) brightens your existence. It will come as no surprise to you, especially if you have had drunk, meaningless sex, that good sex is that with the love of your life. It is the ultimate best sex, where you connect the emotional and the physical in the context of commitment and security. Keeping your love alive in your relationship is the first ingredient for keeping your sex life aglow. Nothing cools the sex and makes the fire go out more quickly than to let love slip away. And nothing fans the flames more than an escalating love relationship. First ingredient: keep your love alive.

PRIORITIZE YOUR RELATIONSHIP The way to keep your love alive is to be loving, attentive, and focused on your man. While you may be overwhelmed with work, family, housekeeping, and creative and community projects, your best part of the day is to be with your beloved . . . and he knows it. Couples who keep their love alive (and you know some) prioritize their relationship. They can’t seem to get enough of each other, spend a lot of their discretionary time together, and allow nothing to interfere with their relationship. Other couples (and you know some of these, too), stop prioritizing their relationship. And their relationship shows it; they snip at each other in public, which makes you wonder what life is like behind closed doors. Get relaxed and be on vacation with your partner. Go overnight to a bed-and-breakfast that is television-free, and leave your cell phones and BlackBerries home. If you have children, ask your mom and dad or a

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trusted babysitter to watch them while you check into a hotel in a nearby city. Sometimes the fact that we neglected the levity factor in a previous relationship—often true in young adulthood—makes us not want to face that we repeat the same grim pattern. Detach and see whether you are all work and no play, or anything near that, with a new man. Don’t harness him and put him (and you) to the plow. Being in a couple is the world’s greatest excuse to go to entertainments and frolic (maybe after the excuse of having a young child!). A couple that doesn’t take time to have fun soon finds they are buried in the morass of daily routine and work. Pairing is not the end of your fun, but you are both responsible to see that it isn’t. And including the sex in your fun becomes a natural way of keeping the embers glowing. Of course, prioritizing one’s relationship all the time is unattainable. The business of life—job, career, and children—requires time, energy, and focus. And, for a time, the relationship will need to tread water while these responsibilities are given their due. But loving couples know that the ball game is their relationship with each other, and return to each other as soon as they can. Like the gardener who knows plants need time and attention to flourish, they know to nurture their relationship. To keep your sex life aglow isn’t hard for you—again, you’ve known its dearth, so you will keep your relationship high on the list. HAVE FUN Keeping your relationship a priority translates into continuing to have a lark together. ‘‘The family that prays together, stays together’’ is being challenged by ‘‘The family that plays together, stays together.’’ As noted above, the focus of the life of a couple changes from each other to careers and jobs, home and children. The result is that the two people spend less time playing and enjoying each other. To keep the fun flowing, keep a regular date night in your relationship. But not just any date night will do—vary what you do, where you do it, and how long you do it. If you have a regular restaurant that you go to, try a new one. If you normally eat dinner and go home, have dinner and see a movie or go someplace else for dessert. Have a glass of wine with your meal. MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WIN-WIN The best of all relationships are win-win. Relationships require negotiation. If she would like to go out to a movie and he would like to stay home and watch a DVD, they will figure a way for each to win. For

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example, they will stay home but she picks out the video . . . or they go out but he selects the movie. The only outcome that matters is that both feel that their preferences are given equal respect in the relationship. SHARE THE POWER Related to win-win interaction is that the man and woman give each other equal power in the relationship. It is no secret that all partners in a twosome try to influence each other to buy into their own agenda. If she wants a bigger apartment, she will try to nudge him into looking at bigger apartments with her and to be a good sport about her need to nest. If he wants a bigger boat, he wants her to get excited about a day on the lake with him. Of course, our dreams can’t always match up, and we need not agree on a bigger apartment or boat, or the features on the barbecue grill. What is important is that each partner gives the other equal status and power in their relationship. The relationship is at an eye-to-eye level. No matter the concern, they have horizontal rapport—neither is looking up or down at the other, but across. In effect, man and woman are cochairs, not one chair and one committee member. Each respects the other and neither is belittled for her or his thoughts, ideas, or preferences. Each can be open about what he or she wants to happen in the relationship. Where relationships are not equal, there are insidious ploys that are used to control each other and get one’s way. None of these are good and all are to be avoided: • • • • • •

Withdrawal (not speaking to the partner) Guilt induction (‘‘How could you ask me to do this?’’) Deception (running up credit card debts with the partner unaware) Extortion (‘‘I’ll find someone else if you won’t agree to this’’) Physical abuse or verbal threats (‘‘You’ll do what I say or else’’) Criticism (‘‘I can’t think of anything good about you’’)

There is another way that not sharing the power gets twisted. The Principle of Least Interest4 says that the person with the least interest in a relationship controls the relationship. If you love your partner less than he loves you, you can control him, since he will do whatever to please you. If you think you love him more than he loves you, he can control you. These balance-of-power issues can come up with frequency when you are fleeing from/trying to avoid a crack-up like the one you suffered before. Neither of these scenarios are good ones: equal love

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translates into equal power in a shared relationship. Study after study in male–female relationships shows that the happiest, most enduring relationships are those between equals in love, power, and respect.5 And these equal relationships translate into good sex, since nothing makes us frigid and rigid like resentment from being controlled. TAKE THE LONG VIEW A lot of studies have been conducted on marital happiness and satisfaction over time.6 They conclude that there is a slow slope downward with the first bump coming with the first child and the bottom during the time the children are teenagers. The couple’s relationship improves when the children leave home and the spouses can once again focus on each other. The pattern is not inevitable, but don’t be dismayed that your relationship takes a dip over time. Don’t expect more of being together and in love than it can deliver; love and your relationship remain the best game in town. When the happiness quotient of married people is compared with that of single people, the former win hands down. Lower life satisfaction, depression, and suicide are always more common among singles. Those in a committed and loving relationship are decidedly more fortunate. LEAVE NOTHING TO CHANCE The key to a long, loving, and sensual relationship is to do those things that nurture this outcome and avoid those that don’t. Be proactive. Just as you cared about and planned your first dates—what to wear and say and do, where to go, and even how far to go on the sexual front—this is no time to let things take care of themselves. By nurturing your love relationship, prioritizing your time together, having fun, ensuring winwin outcomes, sharing the power, etc., you keep your relationship on course—which creates the context for good sex. Ask anyone to give you one word for a good relationship and they are likely to say communication. Some ways to keep the channels clear include: Compliment Often We never tire of hearing good things said about us and your man won’t either. Just as you complimented him early on, ‘‘You look handsome tonight,’’ ‘‘You did a great job,’’ keep the compliments coming. And one

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never tires of being appreciated. ‘‘Thank you for picking up the milk on the way home,’’ ‘‘Thanks for putting gas in the car.’’ Compliment Your Man in Front of Others In addition to saying good things to your man in private, there is an added value to your doing so to friends in front of your partner. Bragging on your man, telling others what a great cook or punctual or responsible guy he is sends sweetness in the air to your man. He not only basks in your delight with him but in the smiles of his buddies who smirk and look at him with their eyes rolled back in their heads. Match Words and Body Language Messages are most clear when your words match your body language. As noted in an earlier chapter, saying, ‘‘Yes, you’re right,’’ accompanied by a smile and an embrace reflects using both words and body language to convey the same message. In contrast, saying, ‘‘Fine, you’re right,’’ but leaving the room and slamming the door communicates a very different message. Keep what you say and how you use body language conveying the same message. THE GRACEFUL MOAN The key element of communication is connecting with your partner. You talk not solely about the weather but relay your delight in being with each other, your plans for future diversion, and yes, your discomforts and critical thoughts about your life and each other. A modest degree of fault finding between lovers or spouses has a use; you give necessary feedback, stay realistic, and don’t become a self-congratulating pair. Seeing each other realistically serves as a rudder—keeping the individuals as well as the relationship on course and in orbit. By listening to and airing your own critical thoughts, you alert the other person to behavioral changes each would like for the other to begin. Not all gripe sessions will result neatly in ‘‘Aw, sweetie, I’ll be glad to do that. Anything else?’’ but they keep the emotional air fresh and clean. Couples who don’t air their gripes hide their resentment, which will surface elsewhere: not talking, less intimacy, less sex. Let ’er rip! But they must be the right kinds of moans! Productive complaints require that each person makes clear specific future positive change he or she would like to see in the other’s behavior. These conversations

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give the partners a road map of what to do to keep their partner happy. By contrast, destructive speaking out is a useless cavil, lament, or harangue. It leaves at least one of you depressed and resentful since one partner just unloaded criticism but did not specify what new behaviors he or she wanted to see. Some examples follow below: Graceful Moans

Destructive Moans

‘‘Please leave at least a quarter tank of gas when you take the car out.’’ ‘‘Please be on time when we plan to meet someplace or call me if you are going to be late.’’

‘‘You are always inconsiderate. You always bring the car home on empty.’’ ‘‘You can’t be depended on for anything. You are chronically late and don’t care about my feelings.’’ ‘‘You think I am your maid and cook and you never help me do anything.’’

‘‘Please clean up the kitchen on Saturdays before noon.’’

Notice that each of the above items under the Graceful Moan column is specific to a behavior in the future. Rather than spend time rehashing past behavior that was upsetting, the couple focuses on what they want to happen in the future. Not only is it future oriented, something the partner can change, it is also behaviorally specific, and therefore easy to grasp. Asking the partner to be considerate is not behaviorally specific and relies on the partner to guess what to do. Being asked to leave a half of tank of gas in the car, be on time, and clean the kitchen are clear. This focus on positive future behavior is a good principle for all human interactions. KEEP THE PROCESS GOING Communication is both content (words) and process. Process means that you keep interacting rather than having one partner lose it and go stomping out. It is important not to allow difficult content to shut down the communication process. When your partner tells you that you did something that upset him, it is difficult for you to hear. But the advantage of your partner telling you what you did that upset him is that his thoughts are now out in the open rather than simmering under the surface (as men are more inclined to do anyway, being less quick at the draw to talk about the love relationship).

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To keep such openness from your partner alive (in spite of how difficult it may be for you to hear), it is important for you to let your partner know that you value such disclosure. ‘‘I know it wasn’t easy for you to tell me that what I said at the party last night hurt you, but I’m glad you told me. I need to know how you’re thinking. Whenever I do something that upsets you, please continue to tell me’’ makes the point that you aren’t going to punish such disclosure and that openness is what you want. ASK HONEST QUESTIONS Good communication also involves asking honest questions. An honest question is a question you ask where you patiently await a response and don’t flare when you receive its answer. Suppose you ask your partner, ‘‘Do you want to go see my parents this weekend?’’ If the question is honest (you really want to know how your partner feels), your partner can say no and you won’t be distressed. If your question is dishonest and your partner says no, you will be put out because you really wanted him to say yes. Honest questions are important since it keeps your partner from answering questions that have a preset answer. Other examples of honest and dishonest questions follow:

Question

Honest question if:

Dishonest question if:

‘‘Suppose we have my office workers over for dinner Saturday night?’’ ‘‘I’d like to buy a new car . . . that OK?’’ ‘‘I’d like for us to move . . . that OK?’’ ‘‘Can we try to get pregnant this fall?’’

Partner can say ‘‘No.’’

‘‘No’’ makes you angry.

Partner can say ‘‘No.’’

‘‘No’’ makes you angry. ‘‘No’’ makes you angry. ‘‘No’’ makes you angry.

Partner can say ‘‘No.’’ Partner can say ‘‘No.’’

The point is to give your partner the respect of having a different opinion than you and not asking questions that have a preset answer. USE REFLECTIVE STATEMENTS Good communication also involves the use of reflective statements. You restate what your man says to you. This lets him know you are listening

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and that you have it right. For example, if he rattles on about his boss at work, a good response from you is to reflect what he’s feeling: ‘‘You feel you are being exploited and you are angry about it,’’ communicates that you are there in terms of understanding your partner without criticizing (‘‘You are always complaining about something’’) or ignoring him (saying nothing). Some examples follow: Your partner says

Reflective statement

Judgmental response

‘‘Your mother drives me up the wall.’’ ‘‘Your brother drank too much.’’ ‘‘You spent too much on the wedding.’’ ‘‘I should have scheduled more time between flights. We’re going to miss our connection.’’

‘‘My mom upsets you.’’ ‘‘You think Clyde overdid it.’’ ‘‘You think I went overboard.’’ ‘‘You’re getting concerned about the tight connection time.’’

‘‘You hate my mom.’’ ‘‘You never liked my brother.’’ ‘‘You’re becoming a miser.’’ ‘‘You worry too much.’’

Use ‘‘I’’ Statements When your man has done something that upsets or hurts you, using ‘‘I’’ statements rather than ‘‘You’’ statements is preferable. For example, rather than say, ‘‘You are always late and irresponsible’’ (which is a ‘‘You’’ statement), you might respond with, ‘‘I get upset when you are late and would feel better if you call me when you will be delayed.’’ The latter focuses on your feelings and paves the way to a desirable future behavior, rather than blaming the partner and bewailing his being late. CONSIDER MEASURED HONESTY All relationships depend on some level of illusion. Each partner likes to feel loved, respected, and regarded as the unique soul mate. While these true and real feelings should be communicated to the partner, there are other thoughts each may have about the other that would be downers for the partner and should be omitted, left out, and hidden: ‘‘You’re getting a fat belly,’’ ‘‘You’re babbling on about nothing,’’ ‘‘When you sing ‘Carmen’ in the shower it drives me nuts,’’ and ‘‘You wouldn’t know how to be on time if it killed you’’ are likely hand grenades to start a

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shouting match or heated argument. The thoughts might best be kept to oneself since they are not likely to result in behavior change. Earlier we suggested being open about what you want your partner to do in the future. However, be careful how you say it, because a direct critical attack is a no-no. Sometimes, kindness is a quality of more value than blunt honesty. In other words, never score an unloving or uncharitable point. GREAT SEX Great sex is a pearl of great price, rarer than hot courtship sex but more deeply fulfilling too. The difference is between the rose a Juliet might cast from a balcony to the suitor below, intense and anxious, and two lovers embracing in the field behind the house where they dwell: no anxiety, an intensification of the joy of life. Alas, to keep the passion aglow involves certain things specific to sex. These include the following. Have Realistic Expectations To head off a downturn in your sex life, you need to stay (or get) realistic about it. As a spouse who has enjoyed sex with your partner for some time, it is unrealistic to expect that every sexual encounter will be a revelation. It won’t be. But what it can be is loving, pleasurable, comfortable, and secure. And the more you practice, the more delightful it becomes. Realistic expectations also include awareness that you and your man will have different sexual appetites that will surface at different times. When he’s in the mood, you may not be, and vice versa. Don’t fret. The only danger is expecting that your two needs will always coincide; they won’t, so don’t expect it . . . and be pleasantly surprised when they do. Finally, your preferences for what you do on a specific encounter may also vary. He may want a quickie whereas you had in mind the Full Monty. Or you wanted a little of this and a little of that while he had in mind sheer athletics. Don’t fret. Give room to your differences. Be flexible. What’s important is that you love to play. The nature of the play can and will vary. Initiate Touching and Hugging When you were new to each other, you couldn’t keep your hands off each other’s body. With time, jobs, and kids, touching and holding each other often drops out of the relationship. Don’t let it. Reach out for your man, sit next to him on the couch, hold his hand, and make clear that

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touching and being physically close to him makes you happy. Some men may interpret this as an overture for sex . . . and maybe it is. But more often, it will be a sign of your emotional enjoyment in being together.

Develop Self-Knowledge and Teach Your Man One of the most valuable assets you can take to the bedroom is intimate knowledge about your own sexuality—what turns you on. Women who have the greatest self-knowledge are comfortable pleasuring their own bodies through masturbation. By learning how to turn yourself on, you know better how to teach a man to turn you on. You can teach this man who cares for you by directly putting your hand on top of his and guiding his hand to where you want him to touch and feel and rub. Presuming you have had the time between relationships where your sex life was nil, you have more self-knowledge through masturbation—all to the good! The more you know, the more you can teach your man. And the better he gets at pleasuring you.

Ask for Direction Just as giving information about what you like for him to do to please you sexually increases your pleasure, you can enhance a man’s sexual enjoyment/sexual pleasure by asking him what he would like for you to do for him. Flirt with him, smile. If you feel you already know what he likes, ask him what he would like to try that is new. One bride gave her husband a copy of The Joy of Sex and said, ‘‘Pick a page, Sweetheart, and I’ll make it happen.’’

Exercise Good sex is also enhanced by regular aerobic exercise. Such exercise will keep your mood high and your frustrations low. It will also keep your body in shape so that you will feel good about the way you look, not to speak of your partner’s delight in your toned curves. ‘‘She let herself go after she got married’’ is a death sentence for lovemaking. Do just the opposite. Go for long walks or run, take Pilates, dance, or a new exercise class, and recognize some of your bed play for its aerobic potential. Both you and your man will benefit.

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Avoid Spectating Spectating means focusing on your own performance, and usually results in unnecessary anxiety over whether you are going to have an orgasm. The anxiety usually interferes with your ability to have an orgasm, so you don’t. Alternatively, relax, focus on, and enjoy the pleasure you feel in being with your man and not on your climb to orgasm. Enjoy the moment, not the progression. Debunk Sexual Myths ‘‘Sex equals intercourse,’’ ‘‘Doing it with the same partner gets boring,’’ and ‘‘Sex equals orgasm.’’ All of these are nonsense. As we noted earlier, the best sex is committed and long-term sex. Researchers have compared single and married people in regard to the emotional and physical pleasure they enjoy in sex and married people win every time. And why shouldn’t they? Sex with someone you know and love and feel secure with is just better than sex on a Thursday night with a stranger after two tequila shots at the bar. ‘‘We’ve been together four years,’’ said Tina, a fifth-grade teacher, ‘‘and I still look at Cliff every morning and think ‘He’s mine.’’’ The other two myths, ‘‘Sex equals intercourse’’ and ‘‘Sex equals orgasm,’’ are equally entrenched beliefs. When President Clinton said, ‘‘I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky,’’ he was implying that the only real sex is intercourse. We suggest that sex is on a continuum from alluring looks to penetration and that the full range can be enjoyed. That sex equals orgasm is more often a belief that men buy into, since getting off is what men have been socialized to do, and what their reproductive biological drive requires. If men did not orgasm/ejaculate, the species would not survive. Meanwhile, no such orgasm is required for the woman to propagate. The result for a couple is to consider that they can enjoy a range of sexual behaviors, including intercourse, that need not result in orgasm. ‘‘I don’t think I’m going to make it,’’ or ‘‘I’m tired now,’’ are clearly acceptable and removes one from the demand to invariably be orgasmic. Take Sex and Relationships Self-Tests In chapter 15, ‘‘Sex Self-Tests: Ten of Them,’’ we present easy-to-score tests that will allow you to find out the degree to which you are a romantic

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lover, monogamous lover, adventurous lover, safe lover, and selfish lover as well as assessing the level of sexual desire, sexual addiction, sexual knowledge, and the need for alcohol/drugs with sex. Chapter 16, ‘‘Relationship Self-Tests: Twelve of Them,’’ follows, which allows you to assess various aspects of your relationship. NOTES 1. S. T. Lindau, L. P. Schumm, E. O. Laumann, W. Levinson, C. A. O’Muircheartaigh, and L. J. Waite, ‘‘A Study of Sexuality and Health among Older Adults in the United States,’’ New England Journal of Medicine 357 (2007): 762–74. 2. F. Alford-Cooper, ‘‘Where Has All the Sex Gone? Sexual Activity in Lifetime Marriage’’ (paper presented at the Southern Sociological Society, New Orleans, March 23–26, 2006). 3. R. T. Michael, J. H. Gagnon, E. O. Laumann, and G. Kolata, Sex in America (Boston: Little, Brown, 1994). 4. Willard Waller and Reuben Hill, The Family: A Dynamic Interpretation (New York: Holt, Rinehart and Winston, 1951). 5. Paul R. Amato, A. Booth, D. R. Johnson, and S. F. Rogers, Alone Together: How Marriage in America Is Changing (Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 2007). 6. Mamadi Corra, S. Carter, J. S. Carter, and D. Knox, ‘‘Trends in Marital Happiness by Sex and Race, 1973–2006,’’ Journal of Family Issues (forthcoming).

15 Sex Self-Tests: Ten of Them The sex self-tests in this chapter allow you to measure various aspects

of your sexuality. There are no right or wrong answers. After completing each test, you can add the numbers for easy scoring and an interpretation of what your score means. The sex self-tests* (which may also be taken online, where they are automatically scored) to follow are: Romantic Lover Test Monogamous Lover Test Unselfish Lover Test Sexual Knowledge Test Safe Lover Test Sexual Interest/Desire Test Sexual Addiction Test Moderate Alcohol Use and Sex Test Female Sexual Problems Test Male Partner Sexual Problems Test

*These tests were developed by David Knox and taken from his Sexual Intimacy web site at www.heartchoice.com.

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ROMANTIC LOVER TEST This test measures the degree to which you are a romantic lover. After reading each statement, select a number that applies to your situation based on the following continuum. Then add these numbers. 1 Strongly Disagree

2

3

4

5 Strongly Agree

1. Love in a committed relationship is the context in which I most enjoy sex with a partner. 2. The longer the lovemaking the better the sex. ———— 3. Candles, music, and maybe a little wine make for a good ———— lovemaking encounter. 4. Orgasm is not crucial for enjoyable lovemaking. ———— ————5. Being swept away with love feelings is a good way to begin a sexual relationship. Total Score ————

——— ——

Highest Score: A score of 25 reflects you are a romantic lover of the ultimate variety. Lowest Score: A score of 5 suggests that your approach to sex is completely devoid of romance. You enjoy sex best when there is no love, when it is with a virtual stranger you just met, when it is fast (no slow buildup), and when it is orgasm focused. Your Score: A score of 15 or above (the higher the better) suggests you tend to be a romantic lover. A score below 15 suggests that you tend to not care about the romance in your sex. Some partners have a ‘‘friends with benefits’’ (FWB) relationship where the partners agree that they are friends, not romantic partners. Research on FWB relationships reveals that women tend to be more focused on the friendship and hope that love develops, whereas men enjoy the benefits and are not concerned about the love aspect.

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MONOGAMOUS LOVER TEST This test measures how strongly you feel about sexual monogamy. After reading each statement, select a number that applies to your relationship based on the following continuum. Then add these numbers. 1 Strongly Disagree

2

3

4

5 Strongly Agree

1. I believe that fidelity and monogamy are crucial for a good sexual relationship. 2. I have never cheated on my current or most recent partner. ———— 3. Emotional fidelity (not becoming emotionally involved with ———— someone else) is as important an element in a relationship as sexual fidelity. 4. I have never cheated on any partner. ———— 5. Trust is a crucial quality of a successful relationship. ———— Total Score ————

——— ——

Highest Score: A score of 25 reflects that monogamy is a very important value for you and that you have been faithful to your partner and all previous partners. Monogamous persons (particularly spouses) report higher-quality (in both physical pleasure and emotional satisfaction) sexual relationships than nonmonogamous persons. Not only do the monogamous partners become skilled at pleasuring each other, their lovemaking occurs in a secure, committed, emotional context. Monogamy, indeed, is a crucial aspect of most happy and stable relationships. Lowest Score: A score of 5 indicates no value for sexual monogamy. Rather, the partner may value a variety of sexual partners. Your Score: A score of 15 or above (the higher the better) suggests you tend to value monogamy. A score below 15 suggests that you tend to not value monogamy. Individuals who cheat risk increasing the emotional distance with their partner and jeopardize the stability/future of their relationship. Once trust is shattered in a relationship, it is difficult to repair. If being faithful is a chronic problem for you, consider addressing this issue with a counselor in your area.

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UNSELFISH LOVER TEST This test measures the degree to which you are a selfish lover in your sexual interactions. After reading each statement, select a number that applies to your sexual relationship based on the following continuum. Then add these numbers. 1 Strongly Disagree

2

3

4

5 Strongly Agree

1. My partner’s sexual satisfaction is more important to me than my own sexual satisfaction. 2. I ask my partner how I can please him or her sexually. ———— 3. I initiate, without my partner’s asking, the sexual behaviors I ———— know my partner enjoys. 4. I am sensitive to my partner’s sexual needs and try to ensure ———— that they are met even though I am not in the mood or do not have any sexual needs. 5. I enjoy pleasuring my partner. ———— Total Score

————

——— ——

Highest Score: A score of 25 reflects that you are the ultimate unselfish lover. Your focus is discovering what pleases your partner and making sure that your partner delights in the sexual satisfaction you provide. Lowest Score: A score of 5 reflects that you are very selfish lover and care only about your own sexual needs. Your Score: A score of 15 or above (the higher the better) suggests you tend toward being a very nurturing lover. A score below 15 suggests that you tend to disregard the sexual needs of your partner. Consider focusing more on the sexual needs of your partner, since a happy and satisfied partner is more likely to reciprocate pleasuring you than a frustrated, resentful partner.

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SEXUAL KNOWLEDGE TEST This test measures your knowledge of the gender differences in human sexuality. After reading each statement, select a number that applies to your sexual relationship based on the following continuum. Then add these numbers. 1 Strongly Disagree

2

3

4

5 Strongly Agree

1. Women are more likely to feel guilty about first intercourse and masturbation than men. 2. Men are more likely to report having a higher number of ———— sexual partners than women. 3. Sexually active women are at greater risk for contracting a ———— sexually transmissible infection than men. 4. Women tend to be more concerned about the emotional/ ———— relationship context of a sexual encounter than men. 5. Men are more likely to masturbate than women. ———— Total Score

————

——— ——

Highest Score: A score of 25 is the highest score possible on the test and indicates that you have considerable knowledge on the sexuality of women and men. If you think of each of the statements as true or false, all of them are true. Congratulations! Lowest Score: A score of 5 means that you have limited knowledge about gender differences in human sexuality. If you think of each of the items as true or false statements, all of them are true. Your Score: A score of 15 or above (the higher the better) reflects that you tend to have accurate knowledge about the sexuality of women and men. A score below 15 suggests that you tend to believe inaccurate information about the sexuality of women and men.

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SAFE LOVER TEST This test measures the degree to which you are a safe lover in your sexual interactions. After reading each statement, select a number that applies to your sexual relationship based on the following continuum. Then add these numbers. 1 Strongly Disagree

2

3

4

5 Strongly Agree

1. I don’t drink alcohol or do drugs when I am with a new person with whom I may have sex, as I want to keep a clear head and practice safe sex. 2. Before I have intercourse with a person, I require that the ———— person have a test to detect the presence of any sexually transmitted disease. 3. I insist (‘‘no glove, no love’’) on the use of a condom with a ———— new sex partner. 4. I have always used a condom with every sexual partner. ———— 5. I have never had a sexually transmitted disease. ———— Total Score ————

——— ——

Highest Score: A score of 25 indicates that you are the ultimate safe lover. Not only do you insist that a partner be tested for sexually transmitted diseases before having intercourse, but you insist on the use of a condom and have no history of a sexually transmitted disease. Lowest Score: A score of 5 reflects that you are at the highest possible risk for contracting a sexually transmitted disease. You do not require that your partners be tested for STDs, you do not use a condom, and you have already had a sexually transmitted disease. Your Score: A score of 15 or above (the higher the better) reflects that you tend to practice safe sex. A score below 15 suggests that you tend to be very inconsistent in your use of safe sex practices and are vulnerable to becoming infected. Your score is a wake-up call to use a condom to protect both yourself and your sexual partners.

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SEXUAL INTEREST/DESIRE TEST This test measures the degree to which you have an interest in and desire for sex. After reading each statement, select a number that applies to your sexual relationship based on the following continuum. Then add these numbers. 1 Strongly Disagree

2

3

4

5 Strongly Agree

1. ———— 2. ———— 3. ———— 4. ————

I think about sex all the time. I want to have sex as often as possible. Having sex frequently is important to me. An important quality in a partner I become involved with is a high sex drive. 5. I need to have sex every day. ———— Total Score

——— ——

Highest Score: A score of 25 reflects very high interest in and desire for sex. You think about sex all the time, want to engage in sex all the time, and prefer that your partner also have a very strong sex interest/ drive. Lowest Score: A score of 5 indicates that you have no interest in or desire for sex. You do not think about sex, have no interest in sexual behavior, and prefer a partner who also has no sexual interests/desires. Your Score: A score of 15 or above (the higher the better) reflects that you tend to have a very high need for sex. A score below 15 suggests that sex is not a priority in your life and unimportant on a daily basis.

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SEXUAL ADDICTION TEST This test measures the degree to which you are a sexual addict (sex is an obsessive, compulsive behavior). After reading each statement, select a number that applies to your sexual relationship based on the following continuum. Then add these numbers. 1 Strongly Disagree

2

3

4

5 Strongly Agree

————1. I sometimes feel driven to have sex no matter what the consequences. 2. One or more of my relationships has been damaged because ———— I felt unable to control my impulses to have sex with others or to watch porn. 3. I am compulsive about sex. I must do it. ———— 4. I feel driven to watch pornography and can’t get enough. ———— 5. I frequently seize opportunities to have sex even if it means ———— cheating on a partner. Total Score ——— ——

Highest Score: A score of 25 reflects that you have the feelings and express the behaviors typically associated with a sexual addict. While there is considerable professional controversy over whether sexual addiction exists, our use of the term refers to those who feel unable to control their sexual behavior, much like the term ‘‘alcoholism’’ refers to those who feel unable to control their consumption of alcohol. Lowest Score: A score of 5 indicates that you are not the least addicted to sex. While you may have a strong interest in sex and enjoy it frequently, you do not feel driven to have sex, watch pornography, cheat, etc. You feel in complete control of your sexual desires. Your Score: A score of 15 or above reflects that you tend to lose control in your search for sex. Persons who feel driven to engage in sexual behavior regardless of the consequences satisfy the definition of what is commonly regarded as sexual addiction. Such feelings/behaviors rob lovers of sexual intimacy since a sexual addict focuses on sexual pleasure/conquest and does not become emotionally involved with the lover. In addition, the sexual addict is not monogamous and is constantly searching for new sexual partners. Since sex, like alcohol, has the potential to wreck the lives of individuals, marriages, and families, we recommend that persons scoring high on this scale consider discussing this concern with a professional. A score below 15 suggests that sex is not a priority in your life and unimportant on a daily basis.

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MODERATE ALCOHOL USE AND SEX TEST This test measures the degree to which you prefer to drink alcohol moderately when you have sex. After reading each statement, select a number that applies to your sexual relationship based on the following continuum. Then add these numbers. 1 Strongly Disagree

2

3

4

5 Strongly Agree

————1. In general, sex is better with, than without, a little alcohol. 2. I prefer a little alcohol when I am having sex with my ———— partner. 3. It is okay to have a glass of wine and then have sex. ———— 4. People who drink a little alcohol before sex are probably bet———— ter lovers than those who never drink before sex. 5. There is nothing wrong with the use of alcohol before sex. ———— Total Score ——— ——

Highest Score: A score of 25 reflects that you both enjoy and prefer the use of alcohol in the context of a sexual encounter. Lowest Score: Your score of 5 reflects that you feel the use of alcohol is of no importance or value in your enjoying sex. Indeed, you prefer sex when alcohol is not involved. Your Score: A score of 15 or above reflects that you tend to prefer and enjoy the moderate use of alcohol when you have sex. A score below 15 suggests that you do not want and do not use alcohol in reference to sex. There is no right or wrong answer in regard to moderate alcohol use and sex. Moderate use of alcohol seems to relax the partners and enhances their sexual enjoyment of each other. Its use or nonuse is a personal preference so that the only caveat is a partner who shares your view.

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FEMALE SEXUAL PROBLEMS TEST This test measures the degree to which you, as a female, are experiencing sexual dysfunction. After reading each statement, select a number that applies to your sexual relationship based on the following continuum. Then add these numbers. 1 Strongly Disagree

2

3

4

5 Strongly Agree

————1. I am capable of experiencing an orgasm when I get the right stimulation. 2. I rarely feel pain during intercourse. ———— 3. I never experience vaginal tightening such that penetration ———— is difficult or impossible. 4. I am interested in sex and have a healthy libido. ———— 5. I view myself as a good lover. ———— Total Score ——— ——

Highest Score: A score of 25 reflects the absence of sexual problems and your enjoyment in sex with your partner. Lowest Score: A score of 5 indicates that you have difficulty achieving an orgasm, have difficulty with your partner’s penetrating you, experience pain during intercourse, do not like sex, and view yourself negatively as a lover. Your Score: A score of 15 or above reflects that you tend to have no sexual dysfunctions. A score below 15 suggests that you tend to have difficulty achieving an orgasm, experience pain during intercourse, do not like sex, and view yourself negatively. If you are distressed about this low score, one alternative is to consider seeing a sex therapist and address these issues.

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MALE PARTNER SEXUAL PROBLEMS TEST This test measures the degree to which your male partner experiences sexual dysfunction. After reading each statement, select a number that applies to your sexual relationship based on the following continuum. Then add these numbers. 1 Strongly Disagree 1. ———— 2. ———— ————3. 4. ———— 5. ———— ——— ——

2

3

4

5 Strongly Agree

My partner ejaculates before either of us wants him to. My partner has trouble getting or keeping an erection. Sometimes my partner can’t orgasm at all. Sometimes my partner feels pain during orgasm. My partner has little to no interest in sex. Total Score

Highest Score: A score 25 reveals that the male partner experiences sexual dysfunctions in a number of areas: premature ejaculation, impotence, pain during intercourse, and absence of libido. Lowest Score: A score of 5 indicates complete absence of any sexual dysfunction on the part of the male. Your Score: A score of 15 or above reflects that your partner has sexual dysfunctions which impact the relationship negatively. A score below 15 suggests the absence of sexual dysfunction in your partner. If you are distressed with your partner’s sexual dysfunction, talking about it and seeing a sex therapist together is indicated.

16 Relationship Self-Tests: Twelve of Them

The basic discovery about any people is the discovery of the relationship between its men and its women. —Pearl S. Buck

The relationship self-tests in this chapter allow you to measure various

aspects of the relationship with your current or past partner. There are no right or wrong answers. After completing each test, you can add the numbers for easy scoring and an interpretation of what your score means. The relationship self-tests* (which may also be taken online, where they are automatically scored) to follow are: General Relationship Test Background Test Interests Test Love Needs Test Communication Test Views on Children Test Commitment Needs Test Family/Friends Acceptance Test Money/Career Needs Test Sexual Needs Test ‘‘Other Needs’’ Test Remarriage Needs Test

*These tests were developed by David Knox and taken from his RightMate web site at www.heartchoice.com.

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GENERAL RELATIONSHIP TEST This test measures the overall relationship you have with your partner. After reading each statement, select a number that applies to your situation based on the following continuum. Then add these numbers. 1 Strongly Disagree ———— ———— ———— ———— ———— ————

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

7. ———— 8. ———— 9. ———— 10. ———— ——— ——

2

3

4

5 Strongly Agree

My partner and I are in love with each other. My partner and I spend our leisure time together. My partner and I have never broken up. My partner and I have similar interests. My partner and I view our future as being together. My partner and I respect each other and are proud to be seen with each other. My partner and I enjoy the same things. My partner is like a best friend. My partner and I have similar goals in life. My partner and I have a similar set of values and beliefs. Total Score

Highest Score: A score of 50 reflects the best possible relationship. Few people, indeed, score this high on this test. Your doing so predicts a wonderful and durable life together. Lowest Score: A score of 10 suggests that there are numerous problems in your relationship. Lack of mutual love, not spending time together, having little in common, dissimilar beliefs/values, etc., predict an unhappy and/or brief future for you as a couple. Your Score: A score of 30 or above (the higher the better) suggests good things about your relationship. A score below 30 suggests areas in need of improvement. The lower the score the more challenging the future with this partner.

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BACKGROUND TEST Background similarity is one of the most important qualities of an enduring relationship. This test provides a way to measure the degree to which you and your partner have similar backgrounds. After reading each statement, select a number that applies to your relationship based on the following continuum. Then add these numbers. 1 Very Different 1. ———— 2. ———— ————3. 4. ———— 5. ———— ——— ——

2

3

4

5 Very Similar

My ethnic background and my partner’s are: My religion and my partner’s religion are: My age and my partner’s age are: My education and my partner’s education are: My social class and my partner’s social class are: Total Score

Highest Score: A score of 25 suggests that you and your partner are identical in terms of background characteristics. Such background similarity has been associated with happy and durable relationships. Lowest Score: A score of 5 reflects that you and your partner are completely different in terms of your backgrounds. Such dissimilarity of backgrounds has been associated with conflict in relationships, unhappiness, and divorce. Some couples overcome their differences and have an enjoyable life together . . . but be careful. Your Score: A score of 15 or above (the higher the better) suggests good things about your relationship. A score below 15 suggests the need for caution. In some cases you can have similarity of core values (e.g., religion) which will override some of your differences.

200


INTERESTS TEST Having a lot of similar interests is characteristic of happy and enduring couples. This test measures the degree to which you and your partner have similar interests in a number of areas. After reading each statement, select a number that applies to your relationship based on the following continuum. Then add these numbers. 1 Very Different Interests 1. ———— 2. ———— 3. ———— 4. ———— 5. ———— ———— 6. 7. ———— 8. ———— 9. ———— 10. ———— 11. ———— 12. ———— 13. ———— 14. ———— 15. ———— ——— ——

2

3

4

5 Very Similar Interests

Religious/spiritual values Music preferences Time spent on computer Movie/video preferences Travel interests: destinations and desired frequency of travel Views on alcohol/tobacco/drugs Value for regular exercise Food preferences Preferences for spending time alone as a couple or with others Attention to neatness in the home environment Value for education Value for personal cleanliness/hygiene Watching television Recreational interests Value for celebrating holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Total Score

Highest Score: A score of 75 suggests that you and your partner are identical in terms of similar interests. Such interest similarity has been associated with happy and durable relationships. Lowest Score: A score of 15 reflects that you and your partner are completely different in terms of your interests. Such dissimilarity of interests has been associated with conflict in relationships, unhappiness, and divorce. Some couples don’t require that they have a lot in common to have an enjoyable life together . . . but be careful. Your Score: A score of 45 or above (the higher the better) suggests a lot of similarity and good things about your relationship. A score below 45 suggests the need to decide how important having a lot in common is to you. Some couples want a lot of similarity; for others, a lot of difference is viewed as spice and a positive.


201

LOVE NEEDS TEST This test measures how much your partner meets your love needs. After reading each statement, select a number that applies to your relationship based on the following continuum. Then add these numbers for your total score. 1 Does Not Meet Love Needs 1. ———— 2. ———— ————3. 4. ———— 5. ———— ——— ——

2

My partner My partner My partner My partner My partner Total Score

3

is is is is is

4

5 Definitely Meets Love Needs

someone I find easy to love. someone who loves me. someone who lets me know I am loved. someone who values our love relationship. someone who loves as intensely as I do.

Highest Score: A score of 25 suggests that your partner meets your emotional needs completely. Not only do you find it easy to love your partner, you feel that your partner loves you. In addition, both you and your partner value the love in your relationship and you both love intensely. Lowest Score: A score of 5 indicates that your partner meets none of your emotional needs. Not only do you have difficulty developing love feelings for your partner, you do not feel loved by your partner. Your relationship with this partner is problematic because it is devoid of love. Your Score: A score of 15 or above (the higher the better) suggests that some of your emotional needs are being met in your relationship. A score below 15 suggests the need for caution. As a person with American values, you have been taught that chemistry and love are very important elements in a relationship (if you were reared in Eastern societies, you might place less emphasis on love). Be careful making a relationship permanent where your emotional needs are not met.

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COMMUNICATION TEST Good communication is one of the most important characteristics of an enduring relationship. This test measures the degree to which you have excellent communication with your partner. After reading each statement, select the number that applies to your relationship based on the following continuum. Then add these numbers for your total score. 1 Strongly Disagree

2

3

4

5 Strongly Agree

1. My partner and I can tell each other that one of us is upset with the other. 2. We both feel good about how we resolve our differences. ———— We resolve our differences so that we both ‘‘win’’ rather than one of us winning and the other one ‘‘losing.’’ 3. My partner and I discuss, rather than ignore, issues that are ———— bothering us. 4. My partner and I have a way of resolving our differences so ———— that the same problem does not recur. 5. I feel very open with my partner and can talk about anything. ———— Total Score ————

——— ——

Highest Score: A score of 25 suggests that communication is one of the outstanding aspects of your relationship and is a good predictor of a very bright future with your partner. Communication is a central aspect of happy/enduring relationships. Partners who tell each other about their feelings and preferences keep their relationship on track. Lowest Score: A score of 5 indicates very poor communication with your partner. It will come as no surprise to you that there are problems in communicating with your partner in terms of your openness with each other, your low frequency of win-win resolutions, your denial of issues, your ability to resolve recurring problems, and the feeling that you can’t talk about anything. Your Score: A score of 15 or above (the higher the better) suggests that communication is a positive aspect of your relationship. A score below 15 suggests the need for caution. Since communication is one of the central aspects of a good relationship, addressing the improvement of your communication pattern will be important to your happiness and fulfillment as a couple.


203

VIEWS ON CHILDREN TEST This test measures how similar you and your partner are in your views about having and rearing children. After reading each statement, select a number that applies to your relationship based on the following continuum. Then add these numbers. 1 Very Different

2

3

4

5 Very Similar

1. Desire for having children ———— 2. Desire for having the same number of children ———— 3. Views on how parents will divide responsibility for taking ———— care of children between themselves, and agreement on which parent is primarily responsible for child care 4. Views on one parent staying home with children during ———— early years versus reliance on day care 5. Views on how the children are to be disciplined and on what ———— religious training they are to receive Total Score ——— ——

Highest Score: A score of 25 indicates that you and your partner are in total agreement about being a family and taking care of your children. Similar views on children predict well for your life together. Lowest Score: A score of 5 suggests that you and your partner are completely different in terms of your ideas about having children and taking care of them. Your Score: A score of 15 or above (the higher the better) suggests a general agreement on having and rearing children. A score below 15 suggests the need for caution. Because having/rearing children is an enormously expensive and time-consuming endeavor, a score of 5 predicts a conflictful and unstable future marital relationship.

204


COMMITMENT NEEDS TEST This test measures how much your partner meets your need for feeling secure in a committed relationship. After reading each statement, select a number that applies to your relationship based on the following continuum. Then add these numbers. 1 No Commitment

2

3

4

5 Secure Commitment

1. My partner is someone who has expressed a desire to marry me. 2. My partner is someone who views marriage as a lifetime ———— commitment. 3. My partner is someone who values monogamy. ———— 4. My partner is someone who is faithful to me. ———— 5. My partner and I have discussed when we will marry. ———— Total Score ————

——— ——

Highest Score: A score of 25 indicates that your partner meets all of your commitment needs. Not only has your partner expressed a desire to marry you (and the two of you have discussed when), he values monogamy and fidelity. This score reflects that you feel very secure with this partner and are looking forward to a bright future together. Lowest Score: A score of 5 indicates that your partner meets none of your commitment needs. At this time, your relationship with this partner has no marital future, no monogamy, and no promise of fidelity. Your Score: A score of 15 or above (the higher the better) suggests that there is some future to your relationship. A score below 15 suggests that your relationship is in limbo or on the road to nowhere. Of course, your relationship may be one of commitment in the sense of living together permanently. Some couples prefer this type relationship and do not want to get married.


205

FAMILY/FRIENDS ACCEPTANCE TEST Acceptance of one’s family and friends is an important aspect of a developing relationship. This test measures the degree to which your partner accepts others who are important to you—both your family and friends. After reading each statement, select the number that applies to your relationship based on the following continuum. Then add these numbers for your total score. 1 Strongly Disagree ————1. 2. ———— 3. ———— 4. ———— 5. ———— ——— ——

2

3

4

5 Strongly Agree

My partner accepts my parents. My partner enjoys spending time with my parents. My partner accepts my friends. My partner enjoys spending time with my friends. My partner enjoys the company of other family members of my family such as siblings, cousins, etc. Total Score

Highest Score: A score of 25 indicates that your partner’s acceptance of your family and friends is complete and one of the positive aspects of your relationship. This characteristic will become increasingly important as you spend more time with family and friends. Marriage can be thought of as the joining of two families and two sets of friends. Lowest Score: A score of 5 indicates that there are considerable problems in the lack of acceptance your partner has for your family and friends. For most people, acceptance of one’s family/friends by one’s partner is important since it affects the approval they feel from the new partner. When your partner communicates enjoyment in being with your family/friends, you feel a sense of approval from your partner. Similarly, when your partner communicates dislike for your family/ friends, you feel disapproval. Your Score: A score of 15 or above (the higher the better) suggests general approval of your parents and friends. A score below 15 suggests discomfort when your partner is with your family/friends and vice versa. Such discomfort does not predict well for the future of your relationship.

206


MONEY/CAREER NEEDS TEST The economic security of a relationship and the career paths of the respective partners are important issues for most couples. This test measures how much your partner meets your need for economic security and juxtaposes your ideas about your respective careers. After reading each statement, select a number that applies to your relationship based on the following continuum. Then add these numbers for your total score. 1 Does Not Meet Money Needs

2

3

4

5 Definitely Meet Money Needs

1. My partner is as economically secure as I wish. ———— 2. My partner accepts my spending habits. ———— 3. My partner accepts/supports my career interests or lack of ———— them. 4. My partner works hard and still finds time for me and our ———— relationship. 5. My partner wants to work/earn as much or as little as I pre———— fer for my mate. Total Score ——— ——

Highest Score: A score of 25 indicates that your partner meets all of your needs in regard to money and career issues. Money and time spent earning it have a big impact on relationships. You and your partner are fortunate that these are not issues in your relationship. Lowest Score: A score of 5 indicates that your partner meets none of your needs in regard to money and careers. Money and time spent earning it have a big impact on relationships. Your Score: A score of 15 or above (the higher the better) suggests that your partner generally meets your needs in regard to money and careers. A score below 15 suggests a problem as having one’s needs met in these areas is important for most couples. Discussing your respective feelings about money and careers may be important if you are to avoid feelings of resentment later.


207

SEXUAL NEEDS TEST This test measures the degree to which your partner satisfies your sexual needs. After reading each statement, select a number that applies to your relationship based on the following continuum. Then add these numbers for your total score. 1 Does Not Meet Sex Needs

2

3

4

5 Definitely Meet Sex Needs

1. My partner is someone whom I find good-looking and that I am sexually attracted to. 2. My partner is someone who finds me attractive and sexually ———— desirable. 3. My partner is someone who has the same level of interest in ———— sex that I have. 4. My partner does the things that I need to experience sexual ———— pleasure. 5. My partner is someone who has the same orientation that I ———— have about who should initiate sex and how often. ————

Highest Score: A score of 25 indicates that your partner meets all of your sexual needs and is the ultimate lover for you. Lowest Score: A score of 5 indicates that your partner meets none of your sexual needs. Your Score: A score of 15 or above (the higher the better) suggests that your partner generally meets your sexual needs. A score below 15 suggests a problem in your sexual relationship. Individuals will vary in the degree to which lousy sex is a deal breaker in their relationship.

208


‘‘OTHER NEEDS’’ TEST Some needs are not easy to categorize. This test measures needs such as the degree to which your partner has the personality characteristics you like, your respective needs for being together versus being alone, your need to live in a specific geographic area, etc. After reading each statement, select a number that applies to your relationship based on the following continuum. Then add these numbers for your total score. 1 Does Not Meet Needs

2

3

4

5 Definitely Meet Needs

1. Someone who has the personality characteristics (e.g., honest, gentle, ambitious) I think are important for my spouse 2. Someone who has the same need for spending time together ———— or apart 3. Someone who wants to live in the city, state, and area (rural ———— versus urban) where I want to live 4. Someone who has the same feelings that I have about living ———— together 5. Someone who will take care of me when I am sick ———— Total Score ————

——— ——

Highest Score: A score of 25 reflects that your partner has the personality characteristics you value, similar needs for spending time together/apart, similar preferences for where to live, and similar feelings about living together. The score also suggests that your partner is very nurturing and that you feel that your partner will take care of you when you are sick. Lowest Score: A score of 5 indicates that your partner meets none of your needs in the selected areas. Your partner does not have the personality characteristics you value, does not share your need for spending time together or apart, wants to live in another city/state/area than do you, has different feelings about living together than you, and is not very nurturing when it comes to taking care of you when you are sick. Your Score: A score of 15 or above suggests that your partner meets some or your needs in the various categories. A score below 15 suggests a deficit in one or more areas. The degree to which not meeting a particular need will be a deal breaker will vary with the person.


209

REMARRIAGE NEEDS TEST Persons who have been married or are considering marriage with someone who has been married before have an additional set of issues to consider. After reading each statement, select a number that applies to your relationship, based on the following continuum. Then add these numbers for your total score. 1 Does Not Meet Needs

2

3

4

5 Definitely Meet Needs

1. My partner doesn’t care that I have been married before. ———— 2. My partner has children from a previous marriage or does ———— not mind that I have children from a previous marriage. 3. My partner accepts and enjoys my children. ———— 4. My partner will help me take care of my children. ———— ————5. My partner shares my feelings about the religious training and discipline of children. Total Score ——— ——

Highest Score: A score of 25 reflects your or your partner’s previous marriage as not an important issue. Your partner also accepts and enjoys the fact that you have children, is willing to help you in their development, and has similar ideas about their religious training and discipline. Lowest Score: A score of 5 means that your partner meets none of the specified needs in reference to a remarriage. You partner either has not been married before or does not like the fact that you have been, either does not have children or does not like it that you have children, and does not intend to help you rear your children. In addition, he or she has different ideas than you about the religious training and discipline of children. Your Score: A score of 15 or above suggests that your partner meets some of your needs in the various categories. A score below 15 suggests a deficit in one or more areas. The degree to which meeting a particular need will be a deal breaker will vary with the person. Be careful. Remarriages have a higher divorce rate so try to cover all issues before becoming involved in a remarriage.

Index

acceptance of hurt, 75 affair, 23; computer affair, 96–97; hooking up, 94; office partner, 95; open relationship, 95–96; paid sex, 96; previous lover, 94, 95 assertiveness in bed, 21–22 Background Test, 199 beauty, true sense, 66 being cool, 48, 154 boasting, 66 body language, 54–55, 59, 176 bonding, 20 breakup, in relationship, 21, 22–23, 64–65, 149; getting over, 8, 22, 23, 25, 29–30 breathing, 162–63 casual sex; avoiding, 123–24; with detached emotion, 153 cheating, on partners; aging factor, 99–100; homosexual relationship, 100; negligence, 99; office romance, 98–99; revenge, 99; separation factor, 98; unfulfilling sex, 98; unhappy relationship, 98; variety/ novelty, 97 clothes, 67 commitment, in relationship, 8 Commitment Needs Test, 204 communication, in relationship, 7, 131, 133–34; flirting talk don’ts, 135–36; flirting talk dos, 134–35;

graceful moan, 177–78; honest questions, 178; ‘‘I’’ statement, 179; keeping interaction going, 136–38; men vs. women, 131–32; reflective statements, 178–79; tips for ongoing romance, 138–39 Communication Test, 202 comparison of partners, 19, 21, 26 compliments, 175–76 compromise vs. settling, 124–25 computer affair, 96–97 consent, in recovery, 37–38 control behavior, 85 dating galore, 30 dating services, 49–50; problem with using, 52–53 demography, 13–14 de-stress, 169 diamond, for attraction, 47 disclosure, 105 double standard, 45–61; seduction, 47–56; timing, 56–57 dressing, 67 eHarmony, 49 eight-ball syndrome, 39–40 emotional and contextual dimension of sex, 18–27 emotions, over time, 4–6 equilibrated feeling, 31–33 exercise, 181–82 expectations, 42–43

212 Facebook, 49, 51, 52 Family/Friends Acceptance Test, 205 Female Sexual Problems Test, 194 fidelity, 77–78 finding a partner, 113–14, 142–44; avoiding casual sex, 123–24; characters, 145–46; compromise vs. settling, 124–25; delay sex, 121–22; difference of thoughts, 126–30; difficulty in, 7–8; do it yourself, 114; flirting, 114–15, 118; good works, 119–20; imagination strategy, 121; and Internet, 120–21; looking outside the box, 117; office romance, 122–23; relationship readiness, 125–26; speed dating, 120; sporting men, 118–19; tracing, 115–16 first meeting, 54 first sex, meaning of, 15–17 flirting, 114–15, 118; don’ts, 135–36; do’s, 134–35 fun, 173 gender stereotypes, 164 General Relationship Test, 198 graceful moan, 176–77 habits, 33 Heartchoice.com, 50 homosexual relationship, 100 hugging, 180–81 ‘‘I love you,’’ 140 ‘‘I’’ statement, 179 image: analysis, 51–52; of self, 49–51 imagination, for recovery, 37 independence, 24 infidelity, 8, 93–94; affairs, 94–97, 100–103; cheating, 94; cheating, reasons for, 97–100; disclosure, 105; partner vs. lover, 105–7; personal reactions, 103–5; prevention, 109–11; recovering stages, 108–9;

Index stopping talking about, 109; terminating with a lover, 107–8 initial interactions, 4 interest in others, 65–66 Interests Test, 200 Internet dating, 50, 69, 70, 96–97 intimate knowledge, 181 intimate partner, worthiness analysis, 70–73 inventing; partner, 57–58; self, 58–60 love, 30–31, 46, 77, 172 Love Needs Test, 201 lovemaking, 79 love potion kit, 166–67 lover, 9 lying, about sexual relationships, 10–11 Male Partner Sexual Problems Test, 195 man search, rules for, 81–82 marriage, 60–61 masking truth, 77 Match.com, 49, 50 maturity pace, 83–84 measured honesty, 179–80 men; to avoid, 71–72, 90–91; and commitment, 89–90; to consider, 72–73; control behavior, 85; dealing with kinks, 90; emotional engagement, 85; expectations from sexual partner, 90; faithfulness level, 85; fulfilling needs, 87; hope about sexual reunion, 87–88; maturity pace, 83–84; past relationships, 86, 87; problemsolvers, 85–86; qualities to look in, 80; seeking help, 87; suggesting changes to, 86–87; visual delight in female, 88–89 Moderate Alcohol Use and Sex Test, 193 Money/Career Needs Test, 206 Monogamous Lover Test, 187

Index office romance, 95, 98–99, 122–23 open relationship, 95–96 opinion, 70 orgasm, 78–79 ‘‘Other Needs’’ Test, 208 paid sex, 96 partner, finding a, 7–8 past relationship, 20, 26–27, 40, 86, 87, 94, 95, 154 pearl, for attraction, 47 photograph, 49–51 physical attractiveness, 48 post-intercourse, 4 postural echo, 59 power sharing, 174–75 pre-intercourse, 4 quandary, in relationship, 24 reaching out for help, 30 readiness, for relationship, 35–36, 80–81, 145 realistic expectations, 42–43, 180 recurring mistakes, avoiding, 38–39 reflective statements, 178–79 relationships; avoid spectatoring, 182; beginning of, 65, 141–42; checklist for new man’s worthiness, 79–80; communication in, 176–78; compliments, 175–76; emotions over time, 4–6; end of, 64–65, 149; intimate knowledge, 181; issues in, 6–7; long-term, 175; measured honesty, 179–80; pacing sex in, 2–3; power sharing in, 174–75; prioritizing, 172–73; readiness, 35–36, 80–81, 145; realistic expectations, 180; relatedness, 146; self-tests, 185–95, 197–209; time between ending and beginning of, 19, 22; touching and hugging, 180–81; understanding in, 74, 144–45; win-win relationship, 173–74

213 Remarriage Needs Test, 209 reserved behavior, 41 respect, 23–24 rite of passage, 15 romance, 23 Romantic Lover Test, 186 Safe Lover Test, 190 seduction, 47–56 self-esteem, 63–68 self-promotion, 50–51 self respect, 2 sex; as bonding, 20; as choice, 20–21; emotional and contextual dimension, 18–27; as relationship tool, 75–76; thoughts during, 25–26; timing of, 79 sex-esteem, 67–68 sex interest, 24–25; lack of, 9–10 Sexual Addiction Test, 192 sexual compatibility, 9–10 Sexual Interest/Desire Test, 191 sexual intoxication, 154–55 sexual involvement; with nonromantic friend, 16–17; timing of, 1–4, 19 sexuality, 53–54 Sexual Knowledge Test, 189 sexual makeover, 147; alertness, 147–48; assessment of honesty, 148; assessment of worthiness, 148; being cool, 154; breakups, 149; casual sex with detached emotion, 153; clarity in expectations, 148; kit, 149–52; partner’s approach, differences in, 153; past relationships, 154; variety, 154 sexual myths, debunking, 182 sexual needs, importance of respecting and controlling, 73 Sexual Needs Test, 207 sexual regrets, 1–11, 17–18, 25 smile, 152 speed dating, 120 sporting men, 118–19

214 touching, 180–81 understating, about self, 55–56 Unselfish Lover Test, 188 values, understanding of, 57 Views on Children Test, 203 wedding night, 157–58; breathing, 162–63; de-stress, 169; enhancements, 167–68; exhaustion,

Index 168–70; from fete to private sphere, 165; gender stereotypes, 164; goal, 160; joy anticipation, 160–61; love potion kit, 166–67; next morning, 170; planning, 158–59; potential problems, 168; prerequisites, 166; reactions, 163–64; sacred space, 161–62; sexual abstinence before, 163; timing, 159; tips for the day, 164–65 win-win relationship, 173–74

About the Authors

JANE MERRILL has written on relationships and culture for magazines, including Cosmopolitan, New York Magazine, American Health, Redbook, and Vogue. She has also written on bilingual education, child-rearing, jewelry, and sexual technique. Merrill has been a stay-at-home mom as well as being employed in public relations, editing, and libraries. She completed coursework at Wellesley and has three M.A. degrees from Columbia and Harvard universities. She speaks French and Persian, quilts, and runs. She is partnered with John and they live in Connecticut and midcoast Maine. Her four children are an MIT missile scientist, a DC corporate attorney, a pharmacist, and a Columbia University senior. DAVID KNOX is professor of sociology, East Carolina University, where he teaches Courtship and Marriage, Marriage and Family, and Human Sexuality. Knox is the author or coauthor of ninety professional articles and ten books, including Choices in Relationships, 10th ed. (Cengage, 2010), and Choices in Sexuality (Cengage, 2007). His interests include big band music, fishing, and drinking coffee in the garden with his wife at daybreak. [email protected]

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