What We Deserve

WHAT WE DESERVE

Kerry Freeman

www.loose-id.com

What We Deserve Copyright © October 2011 by Kerry Freeman All rights reserved. This copy is intended for the original purchaser of this e-book ONLY. No part of this e-book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without prior written permission from Loose Id LLC. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author's rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

eISBN 978-1-61118-632-1 Editor: Jules Robin Cover Artist: Valerie Tibbs Printed in the United States of America

Published by Loose Id LLC PO Box 809 San Francisco CA 94104-0809 www.loose-id.com This e-book is a work of fiction. While reference might be made to actual historical events or existing locations, the names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

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Dedication To my husband, who's pretty sure I'm certifiable but loves me anyway.

Acknowledgement Many thanks to Becca Scott and Shae Connor for beta-reading and cheerleading, Jules Robin for making me seem literate, my critique group for keeping me sane, and a wonderful group of friends I call the Chicago Girls for encouraging me to write.

Journal Entry May 4, 1992

Last night, I realized I am in love with Jamie. I mean, not like a best friend or a brother I never had or anything like that. I love love him. Yesterday at school, my friends were talking about what happens when you love someone. They said that you think about the person all the time and that you get really nervous around them. One of the girls said that you have dreams about the person. Maybe in your dreams you hold hands and kiss. One of the guys laughed and said that maybe you have dreams of the person naked. Then the bell rang, and lunch was over. I couldn’t stop thinking about it all night. I think about Jamie all the time, and I even dream about him. The dreams freaked me out at first, because Jamie and I were touching each other in them. Not anything too weird…at least at first. Then I dreamed about kissing him. A lot. I never dream about girls or think about girls that way. The first guys I ever thought about like that were Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp, and I kinda knew what that meant. But to feel that way about Jamie… Jamie and I have been best friends as long as I can remember. My dad and his mom teach at UGA, and our parents are all really good friends. Even though he’s in high school now, Jamie still hangs out with me. Mom and Dad even let me ride with Jamie in his truck now that he has his license. He’s really nice, and he listens to me. Even when I’m a basket case, like I was today.

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We’re standing at the counter at Jack’s waiting for lunch, and I tell him all about how Josh at school says that Alabama will always be better than Georgia in football and yelled at me because I said that’s not true. Jamie’s looking at me and smiling. I can’t stop talking, because if I stop talking, I’ll start thinking about how much I love Jamie. I can’t think about that when I’m around him. It makes me nervous. Jamie’s laughing, and I feel butterflies all in my stomach. Even though I’m talking a mile a minute, Jamie is listening to every single word. The only time he looks away from me is when the Jack’s lady calls another number. He’s got the most awesome brown eyes. How come I never noticed that before? I’m just staring at his awesome brown eyes, and I have no idea how long I’ve been doing that when he asks me if I’m okay. No, I’m not okay. I’m staring at my best friend…the guy I love…and I probably look like a complete idiot. I know I’m blushing, because my face feels really hot all of the sudden. And I’m telling him all about how hungry I am and that Mom made chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast, but that was hours ago. And then I talked about that time we went to see Wayne’s World and my stomach growled so loud people stared at me. Why can’t I just shut up? Jamie is smiling again. Before I make myself look any dorkier, the lady calls our number. Jamie grabs one bag and hands me the other. I follow him out to the parking lot to his truck. It’s old and red, and I think it’s cool. I tell him that I’ll be glad when I can drive and take him places. Jamie grabs me around the shoulders and hugs me tight. He’s really warm and a little sweaty from the heat. I can smell something spicy on him, and I wonder if it’s his soap. I notice he didn’t shave today. He says that he will let me drive him but I have to wait until I get my license in four years. When he unlocks my door and holds my bag until I climb in my seat, he asks if it’s okay if he drives me around until then. Crap, I’m blushing again. I can just feel it. I take both bags, put them in the floorboard, and don’t look back up at him. I tell him that would be awesome. He smiles and shuts the door, and I try to get my heart to stop beating so fast. Yeah, I am so in love with Jamie.

What We Deserve

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Chapter One 1998

I looked into the mirror and scowled at myself. I’d spent over an hour deciding what to wear and how to fix my hair only to end up looking like I always did. My hair, long in front, was hanging into my eyes and shaggy against my neck. My parents hated it, but Jamie had once said he liked it. I despised the freckles sprayed across the bridge of my nose, but they came in a package deal with my dark auburn hair. “Sean,” my mother called from the doorway behind me, “why aren’t you dressed?” When I turned to glare at her, she gave me her evil smile. “Just kidding. You look nice.” Nice? I didn’t want to look nice. I turned back to the mirror and examined myself, dressed in a dark green polo and khakis. As much as I tried, I still looked like a complete geek. All I needed to complete the look was a pocket protector. At least my sneakers were a little bit stylish. I jumped when my mother’s arms wrapped around me and she looked over my shoulder. “Come on, sweetheart, it’s just a college graduation. Why all the stress?” “It’s nothing.” If my blush didn’t give me away, staring at my feet was sure to. “I just didn’t want to embarrass you and Dad in front of your friends.” “Don’t be silly.” Mom kissed my cheek and then rubbed the resulting lipstick mark away with her thumb. “You’d never embarrass us. I’d kill you if you did.” I laughed, shaking my head at her reflection in the mirror. “Remind me to add death threats to my list of complaints to send to child services.” “You do that. It’ll be months before they even get around to investigating. I’ll have you buried by then.” My mouth hung open. “Mom!”

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Releasing me, she laughed and walked to the door. “Come on now. Your dad’s already left since he’s in the procession. We don’t want to be late and miss James getting his diploma. I’ll be downstairs waiting.” James. It was hard to think of Jamie as a James. It sounded so grown-up. Then again, he was grown-up now, soon to be a college graduate. As always, I was following in his footsteps. Only I was so far behind that I would never catch up to him. We made it to graduation just in time to find our seats next to Col. Matthews, Jamie’s father. Like my dad, Jamie’s mother was a professor at the University of Georgia, and they were both waiting to enter Stegeman Coliseum, where graduation was being held. As impressive as the entire ceremony would be, I was most anxious to see Jamie in his black cap and gown take the stage. Col. Matthews peered at me over his program as I took a seat between him and my mother. “Well, hello there, Sean. Good to see you.” I swallowed hard. Col. Matthews was an intimidating man, retired army, and he made me nervous. “Nice to see you too, sir. Congratulations on Jamie’s graduation.” He nodded and looked past me to talk to my mother. Finally, the ceremony started. From our seats, it was hard to distinguish one black-clad graduate from another. They were all just so many little ants. Still, when Jamie walked onto the coliseum floor, I was immediately aware of him. My gaze was locked on him, following his steady glide to his chair. Once there, he looked up into the stands, his eyes darting back and forth until he finally saw us. He smiled and waved at us, and I couldn’t help smiling like an idiot when I waved back. Every so often during the ceremony, Mom would point at something or someone and whisper some arcane fact in my ear. When the students began to receive their degrees, she grabbed my hand. “Just think, Sean,” she whispered, “in four years that will be you walking across that stage.” Four years seemed so far away. So much could happen. I only hoped that my future included Jamie. I couldn’t imagine one that didn’t.

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I sat at attention when Jamie began to walk across the stage. His mother was waiting for him at the other end, and even as far away as we were, I could see that she was crying. Jamie strode toward her, his steps sure and his body fluid. He wasn’t the scrawny sixteen-year-old I had fallen in love with. At twenty-two, he was strong and self-possessed, and watching him take his mother into his arms, I fell in love with him a little more. Tapping my feet on the concrete floor of the bleachers, I took a mental inventory of all the reasons Jamie would never love me in return. I was a geek. I was tall and lanky. My hands were too big for my arms. I had red hair and freckles. The biggest reason, however, was the most important. I wasn’t sure Jamie was even gay. He wasn’t much of a partier or dater, but that could have been attributed to his seriousness about school. He never talked about girls, or guys for that matter, around me. But we hadn’t spent much time together since the summer before he started college. He could have fucked every girl in his dorm for all I knew. And all I knew was that the boy—no, the man—I loved was my best friend. I had that if I never had anything else, and that was okay. Fifteen hundred names later, we walked out the nearest exit to meet my dad, Jamie’s mother, and Jamie outside. Dad and Dr. Matthews were already waiting for us. As we talked about the ceremony and the commencement speaker’s speech, I saw Jamie walking toward us. He hugged both his parents and shook both my parents’ hands. When he reached me, he smiled and slapped me lightly on the shoulder. “Thanks for coming, Sean. It’s really good to see you.” My stupid cheeks were suddenly on fire. “No problem, Jamie. Congratulations, by the way.” His smile widened, showing off his deep dimples. Gazing into his bright eyes, I wondered if I’d ever seen a more beautiful shade of deep brown. He’d let his hair grow out a little, and the dirty blond strands were blowing in the early-summer breeze. “I’m sorry I missed your graduation.” I shrugged. “It’s okay. I know you had a final.” “I wanted to be there.” His voice dropped. “I hope you know that.”

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My dad cleared his throat and brought us back to reality. I thought I saw a brief flash of embarrassment across Jamie’s face. He looked down at his feet and toed the grass, looking all of sixteen again. “You’re all going to dinner with us, right?” Dr. Matthews asked. “We made reservations for everyone. I know James would really like you to come with us.” Jamie nodded, and after some token resistance, my parents agreed. We separated to find our cars, and forty-five minutes and one huge traffic jam later, we arrived at the most expensive restaurant in Athens. I followed at the back of the group, half due to fear I was underdressed and half due to wanting to watch Jamie walk up the restaurant’s brick steps. Dinner passed in a blur. I was either staring at Jamie or trying to remember which fork to use. When our salads arrived, I hesitated, my hand hovering over my silverware. Jamie leaned over and whispered in my ear. “Screw the forks. Let’s eat with our hands.” His sly grin and wink instantly made me feel better. And made me have very, very bad thoughts at the same time. I was hopeless. I barely participated in the dinner conversation. My only contribution was to declare that computer science would be my major when I started UGA in the fall. Everyone at the table nodded and agreed that my choice was really no surprise. Jamie said I was destined to forever make more money than he would. I always wondered what he would do with a sociology degree, but he consistently avoided any discussion about his future. It wasn’t like him to not have a plan. After dinner, we all stood in the parking lot to decide on our next destination. My parents were going to the Matthews’ house, and Jamie was going to a postgraduation party on campus. This left me the odd man out, and I just wanted to go home. Jamie bumped me with his shoulder. “Why don’t you go to the party with me? You might meet some people you’ll run into again in the fall.” “I don’t know, James.” Yes, my mother, perpetual voice of reason and cockblocker. “He’s a little young for a college party.” “Aw, Sarah, let’s let him go.” Dad hooked his arm around Mom’s waist. “He’ll be going to them in a few months anyway.”

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Jamie nodded. “It’ll be fine, Mrs. Miller. I’ll take care of him like I always do. Nothing will happen to him on my watch.” Instead of looking at my parents as he spoke, Jamie fixed his serious gaze on me. For once, I didn’t blush. I locked eyes with him, hoping he could see how I felt about him but also scared that he would. Mom waved us off. “Okay, okay. Just get him home in one piece. I’d hate to have to injure you, James.” “Yes, ma’am!” Jamie gave her a joking salute before turning to me. “Let’s go before she changes her mind.” I gave Mom the hug she insisted on and followed Jamie to his truck. It was the same old red beast he’d driven the summer I realized I was in love with him. He walked over to the passenger door and opened it for me. I climbed onto the bench seat. Jamie leaned against the open door. “You ready?” “Yeah,” I said more confidently than I felt. Jamie smiled, a slight blush spreading across his cheeks. He shut my door, shaking his head as he walked over to the driver’s side. He climbed behind the wheel, and we were off.

*** I’m not sure what I expected, but I hadn’t expected a college party to look just like a high school party. Except with more booze. And cuter guys. Oh, there were lots of cute guys. As soon as we entered the crowded room, Jamie undid his tie, leaving it to hang loose under the collar of his crisp white shirt. He unbuttoned the top two buttons, taking a deep breath as he opened the collar. “That’s much better. This tie has been driving me nuts all day.” Across the room, a few people, most dressed like Jamie, waved us toward them. Jamie helped me navigate the crowd, and we reached the other side fairly unscathed. Once there, he introduced me to his friends. I noticed they all called him Jim, which didn’t fit him. They seemed

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to know me already, even if I’d never heard of any of them. No one treated me like a kid, which was a nice change. Occasionally, Jamie would smile at me or nudge me with his elbow, which was his way of making sure I was still okay. It felt nice to have him concerned about me, even if it was his big day. He asked me if I wanted a drink, stressing it would be nonalcoholic, and left me to find the kitchen. When he returned, I sat on a ratty orange couch and sipped the soda he’d brought me. Jamie sat on the couch arm next to me, and our shoulders brushed together every time he moved. His friends chattered and drank and sometimes sang badly with the music blaring from another room. My usual shyness wore off quickly, and I joined in my own off-key way. Jamie tapped my arm, and I looked up to find him smiling warmly. He leaned down to talk over the noise. “You look like you’re having a good time.” “I am.” I took the final drink of my soda. “Thanks for bringing me.” “I wanted to spend some time with you.” He covered one ear with his hand. “Sorry it’s so loud, though.” I blushed at his admission. “No, really, I’m good. Wanted to see what I had to look forward to.” He leaned back against the wall, his arm behind me across the back of the couch. “Sean, I know you’re a party animal and all, but you are coming here to learn.” He shook his finger at me for a second before bursting into laughter. “Hey, I could party if I wanted to. And maybe if I took a Valium or four.” “Sure you could. I probably dragged you to every party you ever went to. Granted, you were too young to get into too much trouble.” Squaring my shoulders and puffing up my chest, I gave him my best glare. “Yeah, well I’m all grown-up now.” “Yes, you are,” he muttered. We were quiet for a few minutes while we watched the crowd. Finally, I had to ask the question that had bothered me all night. “Jamie?” He snapped his head up as if he’d been caught daydreaming. “Yeah?”

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“Now that you’ve graduated, what are you going to do?” I selfishly prayed he would say he was staying at UGA for grad school. For once, I wanted us to be in the same place at the same time. “I want to talk to you about that, but later, somewhere where I can actually hear myself think.” He frowned and took the red plastic cup from my hand. “Let me get us something else to drink.” I watched him walk away, and he looked back at me once, a forced smile on his face. He was worried, maybe even scared. I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t just talk to me now. I’d known him since we were little kids. Talking to each other, even during these past few years when we hadn’t seen much of each other, had never been a problem. I saw one of Jamie’s friends rubbing her feet, and I jumped up to give her my seat. She was very appreciative and kicked off her high heels with a sigh. As we talked, I discovered that she was a computer science major. She had a wealth of inside information and gossip, and I found out which professors to avoid and which to seek out. I had just finished talking to my new geek girl friend when I looked up into a pair of intense green eyes. The man in front of me was definitely checking me out, and I couldn’t stop the sweeping gaze I passed up and down his body. He was slightly taller than me, but he was built much more solidly. His eyes and inky black hair were set off by his smooth, dark olive skin. His full lips were turned up into a gorgeous smile, and he moved toward me. He leaned a little closer and held his hand out to me. “Hi, I’m Mark Jefferson.” I wrapped my fingers around his hand, and he shook my hand firmly, holding on to it for a few seconds. “I’m Sean.” I swallowed, trying to relieve the dry feeling in my mouth. “Sean Miller.” “So, Sean, what year are you? Sophomore?” I was thrilled that he thought I was older. “No, a freshman. Well, I will be in the fall.” Suddenly, I worried he’d think I was very young. “I’m already eighteen, though.” He smiled. “I wasn’t too far off. At least you’re legal, though, right?” He winked. “I’ll be a junior myself. Electrical engineering. You?” “Computer science.”

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He leaned against the wall, facing me. “CS is a solid major. We’ll probably run into each other a lot.” I thought that maybe running into Mark wouldn’t be a bad thing. He was relaxed and friendly…and obviously more than a little interested in me. It wasn’t as if being with Jamie would ever really be a possibility. Still, even talking to Mark felt a little like giving up. Groans sounded from everywhere when the first strains of “My Heart Will Go On” played. While some of Jamie’s friends called for the death penalty for the DJ, Mark moved a little closer. “I’m going to tell you a secret.” He scanned the room with a look of mock conspiracy before whispering in my ear. “I absolutely loved Titanic.” I giggled like a little kid. “Me too.” “Leo,” we both said, sighing. I leaned against the wall next to him, and suddenly my eyes went wide. I grabbed his wrist. “Oh my God!” He laughed, and it was a nice sound. “What’s wrong?” “You’re the first person I’ve ever told about my Leo crush.” My cheeks were on fire. “Really? And how do you feel?” How did I feel? I felt like I was being myself for the first time in my life. I hadn’t exactly come out to him, but judging by the look on his face, I didn’t have to. “I feel pretty great.” Seeing movement out of the corner of my eye, I turned to see Jamie glaring at us. I dropped Mark’s arm and backed away from him. Jamie frowned, and his eyes darted between Mark and me. “I think it’s time to get you home.” “No, you don’t have to do that. I’m good. You don’t have to leave on my account.” “Seriously,” he said, his voice low, “we need to go.” I looked at Mark apologetically. “Sorry. I…” Mark just smiled. “It’s okay. I understand.” He stared hard at Jamie before turning back to me. “Like I said, I’m sure we’ll see each other around.”

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Not knowing what else to say, I pushed off the wall and followed Jamie, who gave Mark one more harsh glance before ushering me through the crowd and out the door.

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Chapter Two The drive to my house was completely silent. Jamie didn’t spare a single look in my direction. He was always quiet when he was angry, but I wasn’t sure what I could have done to him. One second I’d been talking to Mark, and then before I knew it… With horror I realized that Jamie had seen me flirting with Mark. Several scenarios ran through my mind, and they all ended with him turning away from me in disgust. I chewed on my fingernails, worried that he might tell his parents or, even worse, mine. Keeping them in the dark was only going to last until I moved into the dorms. My coming-out plans didn’t include them hearing about it thirdhand from their best friends. Jamie parked the truck in my driveway. My parents were still at the Matthews’ house and, knowing them, wouldn’t be home for hours. I bolted for the front door, and Jamie followed close behind. My hands shook as I fumbled with my keys. When I finally opened the door, I reached out for the light switch, only to have a hand wrap around my wrist. Jamie pulled me toward him and closed the front door. His forehead was creased, his eyebrows furrowed. He chewed on his lip the way he always did when he was mulling over something. Sighing, he gazed at me intently. “I want… I mean…” He released my wrist, sliding his hand into mine and threading our fingers together. “Can I kiss you, Sean?” I stood there, slack-jawed and staring. None of my scenarios included this. My brain couldn’t process what was happening, and I couldn’t manage to say the one word I really wanted to say. “W-w-what?” Jamie turned his head and released my hand. “Nothing. God, I’m an idiot. Just…just pretend I didn’t say anything. I’ll go.”

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Suddenly my brain engaged, and I desperately clutched his shirtsleeve, stopping his retreat. I took a deep breath. “Yes.” His head snapped up, his eyes wide. “What?” “Please,” I whispered. “Kiss me.” He cradled my face in his hands, and his eyes bore into me. His expression was as serious as I’d ever seen it. He slowly closed the distance between us. It was as if he was giving me every chance to change my mind. That wasn’t going to happen. His lips brushed against mine, and he pulled back to gauge my reaction. My cheeks were hot, and I licked my lips to soothe the tingling. He grinned and moved forward to press our mouths together again. Soft and full, his lips parted, and my mouth moved with his of its own volition. We were locked together like pieces of a beautiful puzzle, two parts fitting only one another. When Jamie’s left arm fell around my waist and pulled me closer, I finally allowed my eyes to close and my mouth to open. The tip of his tongue darted between my lips and back into his mouth, encouraging me to follow. And I did, tasting him with a deep swipe of my tongue. There was a lingering hint of alcohol, and I wondered how much liquid courage he’d needed to ask me such a simple yet lifealtering question. He broke away only to kiss a trail along my jaw and down my neck. His lips left intense shocks everywhere they touched, and I whimpered when his mouth latched on to my shoulder. He released my flesh with a pop, gently kissing the spot. “Are you okay?” he whispered against my neck. I wriggled my arms, trapped between us, until I could wrap them around his back. “Yeah, I’m pretty great right about now.” He chuckled into my ear. “Me too.” He rubbed his cheek against mine, and his light stubble scratched me. “I should probably go.”

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After finally tasting him, I wasn’t ready for the night to end. I pulled back just enough to look into his eyes, to let him see how much I meant what I was saying. “Please don’t.” I held him tighter. “Come upstairs.” The hand still cupping my face moved until its fingers combed through my hair. He tugged my head until our lips crashed together again, his mouth opening immediately and his tongue searching for mine. When I pressed my hard cock against his hip, his groan echoed in our joined mouths. I pulled away again, this time taking his hand and leading him through the dark living room to the stairway. I didn’t know where my sudden surety came from, but I didn’t question it. The instant he kissed me, there was no question I’d give myself to him. There was nothing I didn’t want him to have. An unusual calm swept over me as we climbed the stairs. I loved him, and I trusted him. I was going to let him do whatever he wanted to me. When we reached my room, I let him enter ahead of me and closed the door behind me. He walked over to my bedside lamp and turned it on. I waited for him to hesitate, to ask me if I was sure this was what I wanted. Instead he held out his hand for mine. When I gave it to him, he pulled me toward him. “I know this is your first time.” He swept the pad of his thumb across my bottom lip. “I promise to take good care of you.” I nodded, my emotions almost getting the best of me. We were really doing this. In my fantasies, I surrendered, letting him lead the way. Not knowing what to do now, I decided that seemed as good a plan as any. Jamie snuck his hands underneath my shirt and ran them up and down my chest. I shivered when his fingertips grazed my nipples and stifled a giggle when they traced lightly over my ribs. His lazy smile again displayed his dimples. As his hands moved to my back, I leaned forward and placed a wet kiss at the corner of his mouth, tracing a dimple with my tongue. His fingers dug into my hips, and he ground his cock against mine. Fuck, that felt good. I wanted to do it again, and I bucked against him, sliding along his length. His hands moved to splay over my ass, pressing me tight against him. He slowly thrust against me and laughed when my eyes rolled into the back of my head.

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“You like that?” He punctuated his words with more thrusts and moaned with the last, hard stroke. “Believe me, Sean, I do too.” Hearing the rough desire in his voice, I focused on his face. A sheen of sweat covered his forehead, and his eyes were dark and sleepy. His face and neck were flushed a light scarlet. In all the years I’d known him, he’d never been more beautiful or vulnerable. Burying my face in the crook of his neck, I began to unbutton his shirt with trembling hands. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t make the first button go through the stupid hole. Jamie stilled my hands with his, and he deftly opened his shirt and let it fall to the floor. I swept my hand over his chest and let it rest over his pounding heart. “Your turn, baby,” he whispered as he pulled away. He grabbed the hem of my polo and then peeled it off slowly. Even in the warm summer air, goose bumps broke out across my skin. He popped the button on my pants and, taking the zipper tab between his fingers, stopped to look at me. “Is this okay?” I swallowed hard, and my mouth was still so dry I could barely whisper. “Yes.” He slowly unzipped my pants. Sliding his hands underneath the waistband of my briefs, he pulled everything down until it was all bunched around my feet and he was kneeling on the floor. As I raised each foot, he removed my shoes and socks, and I kicked off the last of my clothes. In my dreams, I was always the one on my knees, waiting to worship my lover. Instead, Jamie looked up at me, and my breath hitched when his tongue darted out to wet his lips. He never took his eyes off mine as he reached up and wrapped his fingers around my cock. “I want to make you feel good.” He slowly stroked my cock. “I want to taste you.” I couldn’t speak, so I just nodded. I watched with wide eyes as he licked the very tip, teasing the slit with his tongue. I didn’t know what to do with my hands, so I balled them into fists at my sides. “My head,” he whispered. “Put your hands on my head.” I relaxed my fingers and rested my hands on the back on his head. His lips parted, and I was engulfed in his hot, wet mouth. He began to move up and down my shaft, applying the slightest amount of suction.

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“Jamie…oh, God…that feels so good.” I moaned as I felt his hand begin to massage my balls. His other hand wrapped around my hip, and he pulled me toward him, encouraging me to thrust into his mouth. My hands cradled the back of his head as I moved in and out. I couldn’t stop myself, and my thrusts went deeper and deeper. His groans vibrated around my cock. His fingers dug into my hip. I was already on edge when he tightened his lips around me and took me into his throat. My entire body tensed, and I came hard, my cock pulsing again and again. I could feel him swallow around me, and he kept me in his mouth until I was completely spent. He pulled away slowly and gave the head a final lick before releasing me. Grinning like a fool, I looked down at him, and my head spun. I teetered back and forth on my jelly legs until Jamie sprang up, caught me, and squeezed me tight. “Hey there,” he said, laughing as he brushed my hair away from my face. “Are you okay?” My head lolled onto his shoulder, and I kissed his neck. “Okay doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel right now.” Letting him hold me up, I closed my eyes. He swept me up into his arms and carried me to the bed. He paused only briefly, taking a deep breath before laying me down. “Please don’t go to sleep on me.” He leaned over and kissed me. “I’m not finished with you yet.” I turned onto my side, facing him as he stripped off his remaining clothes. I should have been timid or at least embarrassed, but instead I watched him, transfixed. His muscles rippled under his flushed skin as he stroked his cock while I watched. I needed him near me, and I held my hand out to him. He took it and allowed me to pull him down onto the bed next to me. We lay side by side, staring at each other, and Jamie traced the line of my bottom lip with his finger. So many times growing up we’d shared a bed or a sleeping bag or a tent, but even as I fell in love with him, I never imagined we’d end up like this. I’d hoped. I’d dreamed. But I never really thought it would happen. Feather touches quickly turned to desperate grasping, our bodies pressed together and moving in unison. I lapped the sweat from his skin as my mouth moved over him. My hands

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were clumsy, but his gasps and moans told me he didn’t mind. I touched every inch of his body, committing the sensation of his skin under my fingers to memory. No matter what else happened, I didn’t want to forget how it felt to finally be his. Jamie shifted me onto my back and hovered over me, his weight suspended on his forearms. “We don’t have to do anything else if you don’t want.” Clutching a handful of his soft hair, I pulled him down and kissed him. “I want.” I kissed him again. “I want you.” I blindly reached for the drawer of the bedside table, and Jamie laughed. He opened the drawer, finding everything he’d need to make love to me. Retrieving the items, he looked at me, his eyebrows raised. I shrugged. “Doesn’t hurt to be prepared.” His booming laugh echoed off the walls and filled the room. Still smiling, he kissed me, his tongue teasing me. Without breaking our kiss, he spread and raised my legs until my knees were pressed into my chest. The cap of the lube clicked, and I felt a cold trail dribble down the cleft of my ass. His slick finger traced slow circles around my entrance, and I immediately tensed. What little bravado I’d had was gone, and I was afraid. As always, he could sense my fear, and he shushed and whispered and kissed until I relaxed. Little by little, he pressed his finger into me and thrust slowly until he could add another finger. When I could take both fingers and cried for more, he slipped in a third. I was wanton, writhing underneath him and begging him to fuck me. Concern was clear on his face. “Sean, baby, I can’t stop the pain, but I’ll try to make it go away as fast as I can.” I nodded, the fear bubbling up inside me again. I knew Jamie would take care of me. He always did. He rolled a condom down his shaft, stroking himself once for good measure. When he pressed the tip of his cock to my hole, I held my breath, waiting for the invasion. I didn’t wait long. Jamie slowly thrust forward past the tight muscle, and I winced from the burning pain. He waited for me to relax again before going deeper, each time whispering words of promise and encouragement. After several patient minutes, he was finally buried inside me, filling me.

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Joined together, we stilled. A tear ran down his cheek, and I wiped it away with my thumb. Looking sadder than I’d ever seen him, he turned his face and rested against my hand. He took a deep breath and turned farther, placing a kiss in my palm. “Jamie…” He kissed me, a slow, gentle kiss. “You are the most beautiful man I’ve ever known, Sean. I just can’t believe… This feels so incredible…” “I know.” I pressed my forehead against his. “I know.” His face centimeters from mine, Jamie began to move inside me. As the pain of small movements lessened, he thrust deeper and harder, all the time looking directly into my eyes. “Oh God, oh hell, oh fuck!” My moans grew louder, and I buried my face in the crook of his neck, hoping to stop the embarrassing sounds. Soon, though, the effort required to hold the words in was too much. Letting my head fall back, I roared. “Jamie!” “That’s it, baby.” Jamie pulled away, slamming back into me. “Let me hear you.” Another thrust sent me arching up off the bed, and I cried out. Now that he’d found my sweet spot, he pounded into me, keeping the angle that brushed across it again and again. I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. Every thought and sensation was centered around his cock inside me. “Fuck!” My hands clutched fistfuls of the sheets. “God, Jamie…just…like that.” He grabbed my cock, stroking it in counter-rhythm to our lovemaking. “Sean.” He struggled to talk through harsh breaths. “Look at me, Sean. I want to see those pretty blue eyes when you come.” I gasped at his words. My eyes snapped open, and I raised my head to meet his gaze. He looked down at me, his bottom lip pinched between his teeth, and the dark, raw hunger I saw made me shudder. Everything I’d ever wanted, everything I’d ever imagined was happening, and I struggled to keep my eyes open for him. I didn’t know what he could possibly find there, but like my body and my heart, I gave it to him. We were crashing together now, and his hand was working me, bringing me to the edge. My balls were tight against my body, and every muscle was taut and straining. I could see the fall ahead, and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.

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Bucking up into his hand, I exploded, striping his hand and my chest with thick white ribbons. With each spurt, I clenched around Jamie’s cock, and his rhythm faltered. He pressed my knees farther into my chest and buried himself deeper inside me. “Oh God, oh God, oh God…” His entire body stiffened, his fingers dug into my hips, and he cried out as he came. I was sure I felt each and every explosion inside me. He slowed his thrusts, easing in and out of me to extend his orgasm. When he was finished, he slipped out of me and collapsed next to me on the bed. Before he could even catch his breath, he turned to me and kissed me hard. He brushed my sweaty bangs away from my eyes. “That’s better.” I fluttered my eyelids. “Do you really think my eyes are pretty?” “Did I say pretty? I meant beautiful. I’ve always thought so.” He continued to stroke my forehead with his fingertips. My body was limp, and no matter how hard I fought, my eyes kept closing. I vaguely remember feeling the bed shift and a warm cloth running over my skin. When my eyes opened again, Jamie was lying down beside me and taking me into his arms. I snuggled against him and sighed. Just as I drifted off, I thought I heard Jamie’s murmuring voice, his lips moving against my forehead. “Love you. Always.” I wanted to say it back, but I was too tired to move. I decided it could wait until the morning and finally gave in and slept, my head resting on Jamie’s chest.

*** The sounds and smells of breakfast cooking downstairs woke me. I raised my hands high above my head and stretched, my body aching all over. When I realized I was particularly sore in one spot, I sprang upright in bed. I sat naked in the middle of crumpled sheets, one of which was draped across my hips. There was no sign of Jamie, and I wasn’t sure when he’d left. I looked over at the bedside clock. Ten in the morning. My parents were letting me sleep in.

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“Sean!” my mother yelled from the kitchen. “Come down and eat!” I ran my hand through my hair before jumping up to find some jeans and a T-shirt. I dressed quickly, barely getting my shirt pulled over my head before I walked into the kitchen. My parents were sitting at the island, their stools close enough for Mom to lean her head on Dad’s shoulder and read his newspaper. “Hey there, sleepyhead.” Mom pointed at the plate across from her. “Glad you made it before your food got cold. Your dad outdid himself today.” Dad kissed Mom’s temple. “Thanks, babydoll.” I shook my head in disapproval as I walked to the coffeemaker and grabbed a cup from the counter. It was all an act, though. I knew I was lucky. Not only were my parents still together, but they’d been crazy in love for as long as I could remember. I wanted to be that happy, to share my life with someone who just got me and loved me. After last night, I wondered if it maybe wasn’t completely crazy to want that with Jamie. I sat down with my coffee, taking a small sip to wake up. “I can’t believe you two are already up and making goo-goo eyes at each other. How late were you out anyway?” Mom raised an eyebrow. “Wait, exactly who is the parent here?” She pointed at her chest. “Me, that would be me. What time did you get home, mister?” “Early enough to beat you two hoodlums.” Dad laughed behind his paper, and Mom glared at him. This was their act. Mom pretended to be terribly concerned, and Dad tried not to give her away. In reality, they both trusted me and knew I’d never do anything to make them worry. I cut off a piece of my omelet and popped it into my mouth. “Wow, Dad, she’s right. This is really good.” I took another bite. “What is on the agenda today? I thought I’d give Jamie a call.” Dad dropped his paper, and he and Mom exchanged a truly worried look. I took another sip of coffee. “What?” Mom grabbed Dad’s hand and squeezed. “I thought he was going to talk to him last night?”

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Dad shrugged, his shoulders sagging a little lower than they’d been a few minutes earlier. “Sean, Jamie left for North Carolina this morning.” My heart began to race. “Yeah? When’s he going to be back?” With her free hand, Mom reached across the table and took mine. “He didn’t want to tell everyone earlier, because he didn’t want us all to make a fuss. He left for basic training. He’s going into the army.” “Oh.” My skin turned cold, and I tried not to throw up. “He didn’t tell me.” “I’m sorry, son.” Dad adjusted his glasses, obviously uncomfortable. “He told his parents he would talk to you last night. I’m not sure why he didn’t.” I knew why. He’d been too busy letting me think he really cared about me. What the hell had he been thinking? That he’d leave his poor little gay friend a parting gift? I squeezed my eyes shut. That wasn’t Jamie. He’d been a constant in my life since I was six years old. He’d never been anything but kind and attentive…and loving. That was what he’d been last night. Even if I hadn’t remembered the words he’d mumbled into my hair when he thought I was asleep, I remembered how we’d felt. With every touch, he’d told me he loved me. So why did he leave me? Pulling my hand free, I stood up, almost knocking over my stool. “I need to take a shower.” “Why don’t you finish your breakfast first?” Mom asked as she tried to take my hand again. “I’m not hungry anymore. Sorry.” I ran up to my room and stripped off my clothes. I could still smell him on my skin. Showering, I scrubbed until I smelled shiny and new. Afterward, I ripped the sheets off the bed and carried them to the hamper downstairs. Since it was a bright, clear summer day, I opened my window to let my room air out. I just wanted to clean everything, as if last night had never happened.

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Chapter Three 2010

It was impossible to concentrate when it was the first really nice day of spring, so I pushed away from my latest app and stared out my office window at the Atlanta skyline. The best part of my promotion to senior developer was the window. Now I would be able to see actual sunlight and the change of seasons instead of calendar pictures on my cubicle wall. The ring of my cell phone startled me. Then I remembered. It was noon on Wednesday. I didn’t even check the caller ID. “Yes, Mom, I will be there for dinner, and I will be on time.” The speaker vibrated with her deep laugh. “And hello to you too. Since you’ve already answered my first two questions, at least let me ask my last. You are bringing that adorable boyfriend of yours, right?” I rolled my eyes. “Tyler could come without me and you wouldn’t even care, would you?” “Of course I would, dear. Who would set the table?” I couldn’t help my smile, made wider when I saw a picture of Tyler and me from last Christmas materialize on my screen saver. I wasn’t sure I blamed my mother for loving Tyler more. There was a lot about him to love. “Yes, darling mother, I will bring your favorite boyfriend to dinner, just like I do every week.” A cash register beeped in the background. “Just making sure nothing’s changed. Your father and I would be so disappointed.” I was beginning to get truly and deeply offended. “Jeez, way to make your only child feel loved.”

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“How much was that again?” In the pause, I’d begun to think she’d forgotten about me. “Don’t be a goof. Of course we love you. It’s just we were beginning to think you’d never settle down. You haven’t been this close to anyone since James left.” Twelve years later and the mention of his name still made me wince. “Yeah, well, I was just waiting for the right man.” Now it was the cliché making me wince. “Then I’m glad he finally showed up. You’re not getting any younger, you know.” “Mom!” I was positive the evil witch cackled. “Don’t be late! Your dad has the wine covered.” I was still shaking my head long after the line went dead. At least she wasn’t asking for grandchildren again. I almost never got Tyler to go to dinner again after that. Taking one more glance out my window, I rolled my chair forward and got back to coding. The sooner I got this finished, the sooner I could see my mother’s favorite person. And mine too.

*** I arched my back as I yawned. My Kindle slipped off my knees, and I barely caught it before it hit the concrete at my feet. The evening breeze was nice and warm, and the sky was a golden orange. I swung my legs up and across the wooden bench as I continued to read. “What’s it today? Vampires or zombies?” I let my head fall backward. Even upside down he was perfect. His hazel eyes were the perfect mix of green and brown and set in a slightly round, boyish face. The five o’clock shadow might have added a couple of years to his visible age, but he still didn’t look thirty-one. His full, bow-shaped lips were smirking as usual, and he was wearing those little black-rimmed glasses that drove me fucking insane. I wanted to grab a handful of his soft black hair and pull him down for a kiss. As if he could read my mind, he scanned the area for bystanders before bending down and giving me a quick peck on the lips. He tasted like chocolate. My head swam a little as I raised it. “Wow, a PDA. What did I do to deserve that?” “You never deserve it.”

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“Thanks for stomping my warm fuzzy to death.” “I do what I can.” Tyler and I were always like this. We’d met my first day of work at my current job, and we’d busted each other’s balls over everything. I’d never expected that, a few hours later, I’d become more intimately acquainted with his balls, along with other body parts. I swung my legs off the bench to give him a place to sit, which he took immediately. “You’re late.” He moved closer to my side. “Sorry, I had a junior guy run into my office at the last minute. So, you gonna tell me what you’re reading?” “It’s a gay romance your sister recommended to me.” He chuckled. “Well, that’s more than a little inappropriate. Should I kick her ass or thank her?” When I turned to give him a come-hither look, I realized he was already there. I licked my lips; I wanted to taste him again. “I’m thinking a thank-you is definitely in order.” “Damn it, Sean,” he whispered. “You’ve got to stop looking at me like that. We don’t have time for this. Remember? Dinner with your parents?” “Yes. Dinner. Parents.” My eyes refused to leave his lips. Tyler rolled his eyes. “Goofball.” He stood up and motioned for me to follow. “Let’s go. Sooner we get through dinner, the sooner we can get back to your place and discuss that book.” The drive from Atlanta to Athens was a little long for a weeknight, but it gave me the chance to get behind the wheel for a change. I usually took public transit to work, and my little Prius stayed parked in my spot at home. Driving in the city stressed me out, but once we got out of the city limits, the traffic eased considerably. Tyler and I spent the time talking about our respective jobs, new video games we were going to play over the weekend, and since I was apparently a good boy today, what Tyler was going to let me do to him once we got back to my apartment. By the time we reached my parents’ house, I was an aroused mess, and Tyler took great pleasure in the fact that I had to untuck my shirt to hide a hard-on that took forever to go away. I glared at him as we stepped onto the porch. “Laugh now. Payback’s a bitch, sweetheart.”

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He only grinned wider. “I’m counting on it.” Before my hand reached the doorknob, Mom jerked the door open and gave me a huge hug. She acted as if, instead of having dinner together every other Wednesday, she hadn’t seen me in years. Tyler got the same treatment. Dad’s greeting wasn’t any less enthusiastic. It was impossible not to feel completely loved when you walked into their house. The house was filled with the smell of homemade spaghetti sauce and baking bread, which meant it was Mom’s turn to cook dinner. We’d arrived just in time to set the table as Mom dropped the noodles into the boiling water and Dad opened a nice bottle of Chianti. Tyler and Dad quickly jumped into their perpetual discussion of the Atlanta Braves. I just listened, knowing in the fall the discussion would include football and the Falcons. I’d join in then. Once the food was on the table, the two couples sat together, one facing the other. Even after thirty-two years of marriage, my parents couldn’t stand to be on opposite ends of the table. If there was room, they sat together on one side and exchanged the same looks, touches, and kisses I’d witnessed my entire life. Watching them, I wished again that Tyler felt comfortable enough to let go of his restraint and just do whatever he felt, even if that included kissing in front of a roomful of people or simply holding my hand. It wasn’t as if he was in the closet, and he was certainly affectionate enough in private. I took a quick sip of wine, trying to keep my mind from going places my body didn’t need to be right that second. “Mom, dinner is wonderful, as usual. The sauce tastes a little different, though.” “Thanks.” She twirled more noodles around her fork. “Anna passed on some tips she got from James.” I ground my teeth together. Any mention of his name immediately had me on edge, but I worked hard to keep that fact from my parents. “That’s nice.” “Did I tell you? James has moved back to Athens.” My fork fell and clanged against my plate. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the concern on Tyler’s face. He quickly brushed his hand over my knee, soothing me a little. Dad shook his head at my mother. Ten dollars said he’d told her before we arrived not to talk about what she was talking about.

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Mom continued to chew her noodles as if nothing had happened. I knew the subject wasn’t closed, and, after taking a gulp of wine, she proved me right. “He’s out of the army now, and he’s going to be an EMS paramedic. Anna and John are thrilled to finally have him home again.” She at least had enough shame to look down at her plate when she continued. “Anna says that James is really looking forward to seeing you.” I threw my napkin down on the table. “That’s not going to happen.” “Sarah…” Dad’s voice held a warning that, of course, my mother ignored. “I know he left without giving you any explanation, but…” I did not want to have this conversation. “It’s not just that, Mom.” I took a deep breath, afraid if I didn’t, I’d reveal that, while he’d left without a word, he’d certainly made sure to take my virginity with him. “Look, we were friends, but it was a long time ago. He’s had no interest in contacting me for twelve years, and I really have no interest in seeing him now.” After a minute or two of tense silence, Tyler cleared his throat. “So, Stephen, where did you find the wine? It’s really delicious.” Dad looked grateful for the subject change. “I was in Savannah a few weeks ago, and I bought it at a little shop on River Street.” As Dad continued to tell us about his trip to Savannah, I reached over and quickly ran my fingers through the short hair at the nape of Tyler’s neck. Glancing my way, he blushed slightly. I returned to my spaghetti and finished it, because, after all, it really was very good.

*** Finally back in my apartment, I threw my keys on the coffee table. I went straight for the couch and flopped down. It wasn’t until Tyler sat next to me and put his arm around me that I remembered he was there. I was a selfish bastard, so I snuggled into his side and let him stroke my head. He kissed my forehead. “Wanna talk yet?” “Not really.” I was a whiny prick too. “Okay, maybe.” “Then shoot.”

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I pulled away and sat facing him. “How dare he tell his mother to tell my mother or whoever the fuck he told that he wanted to see me! The fucker’s had twelve fucking years to see me. Fuck him!” Tyler bit his lip, obviously trying not to laugh. “That’s a lot of swearing coming from you. I think I like it.” “Don’t laugh at me,” I said, pouting. “Even if I do sound completely ridiculous.” Now feeling just as ridiculous as I sounded, I pulled Tyler into my arms. “Sorry.” I kissed him, and this time he tasted like the strawberry shortcake we’d had for dessert. I made a mental note to thank my mother. “No problem. It isn’t the first time I’ve heard you rant about him.” We sat on the couch in silence for several minutes. Tyler lifted my shirt and ran his hands up and down my chest. It was a gentle touch, meant to be more soothing than arousing. I drew comfort from the weight of his body against mine, and soon I was as relaxed as I’d been when he kissed me on the bench. “I’m ready to talk now. Talk, not scream.” His hand stilled, only to resume moving in a side-to-side pattern over my stomach. “I must admit I didn’t expect you to still have such a strong reaction. I mean, is this something I should worry about?” “To be honest, I didn’t expect to feel so strongly either.” I sighed, wishing we’d just skipped dinner and gone to his apartment instead. “I finally thought I’d stop letting him mess with my head.” “He’s not.” Tyler tapped my temple with his finger. “You are. He stopped messing with your head the day he left.” I sucked in a sharp breath. What he’d said was harsh, but that didn’t make it untrue. I knew Tyler wanted more than the casual arrangement we had. He wasn’t the first one who had; he was just the first one willing to stick around as long as it took to get it. But my feelings for him had been far from casual for a long time now, even if I was afraid to admit or name them. “I don’t want to have anything to do with him, if that’s what you’re worried about.” He shifted and laid his head on my shoulder. “What happens when you see him?”

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“I’m not going to see him if I can help it. He can fuck off for all I care.” “Again with the cursing.” He stood up just long enough to straddle my hips. “I think I’m starting to quite like your dirty mouth.” “You’re incorrigible, you know.” “Yeah, like you aren’t. You love it, anyway.” He cupped my face in his hands, his long fingers threaded into my hair. “You need to see him. You’ll never resolve all your pent-up—” “Anger? Hurt feelings? Desire to cause bodily harm?” He brushed his lips against mine. “Now you’re exaggerating. Forget whatever stupid revenge fantasy you have and deal with this. It’s not impossible to be friends with an ex. You of all people should know that.” “Hey,” I said, pinching his ass. “You talk as if I’ve got a harem of exes.” He smirked. “You do, don’t you?” “Asshole.” I tipped my head up to plead for a kiss, and he gave me a quick peck. I traced the outline of his jaw with my fingers, sighing when the stubble scratched my skin. “You know you’re the only one, right?” For a split second, Tyler’s eyes went wide. “I do now.” I smiled when he nuzzled my palm until I cupped his cheek. “Come on. When would I have time to hook up with anyone else? I spend all my time with you.” “Damn straight. Too many men want in those pants of yours.” He ground his hips down against me for emphasis. “I have to make sure your talents are only on display to me.” “Wow, first a PDA and then a compliment on my sexual prowess. What did I do to deserve all this?” “Remember,” he whispered against my lips, “you don’t ever deserve it.” I put on my best Wicked Witch of the West voice. “Oh, you’re in trouble now, my sweet.” Grabbing a handful of his hair, I yanked his head back to display the pale column of his neck. I latched my mouth over his Adam’s apple, and he moaned loudly. His hands dropped from my face and began to pull at the sides of my untucked shirt. I released him long enough for both of us to shed our shirts and press together again.

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The first touch of his skin was always the one that drove me the most wild. Soft and smooth, his skin stretched over his lithe body, and my hands could not resist running up and down his back. As my fingers moved over him, he writhed against me, his arms wrapped tightly around me and clutching me as close to him as possible. I buried my face in the crook of his neck and took a deep breath of his scent, which always reminded me of spice and green tea. He nudged my head back and pressed his mouth to mine, nibbling and licking my bottom lip. “Open up for me, Sean. Please.” My lips parted, and his tongue instantly invaded me. Groans died in my throat as the kiss intensified and deepened. I wound my arms around his waist. He dug his fingers into my hair. We couldn’t get close enough, touch each other enough. The first stroke of his cock against mine caused me to break the kiss and moan. He was insistent, grinding himself against my lap again and again. I finally gave up and let my head fall to the back of the couch. Back arched, he rode me, and I placed my hands on his hips to help him along. We were both panting. He was crashing into me. His hair blackened as sweat dripped down and made it stick to his forehead. Still forcing him to ride me harder and faster, I watched him, all wide-eyed and openmouthed. God, he was beautiful. His fingers dug into my shoulders. “Not enough.” His voice was desperate. “It’s not enough!” I snaked my hand between us and undid the button of his pants. “Is this what you want?” “Yes,” he hissed. Unzipping his pants, I pulled his cock free and quickly did the same with my own. We were both hard and hot, and my hand felt so good wrapped around us both. I stroked up once, then waited to see the look of bliss I knew would cross Tyler’s face. He didn’t disappoint me. I leaned forward and took him in a punishing kiss while my hand continued to stroke and work over us both. Almost nothing felt better than our bare cocks sliding together. I wanted to watch him fall apart, and I worked as fast as I could to make it happen.

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His eyes rolled back, and he came with a groan, exploding in my hand and covering me in sticky streams. There was no stopping my following him, and he bit down on my shoulder as my release coated us. I continued to slowly stroke us until we both began to soften in my hand. Tyler collapsed against me. “Time for bed?” I laughed, pushing him off my lap, and stood. I was a complete mess. “Maybe a shower first?” “If we take a shower, we won’t sleep for a while.” “I know.” Later that night, I lay in bed, my limbs tangled with Tyler’s. He was finally asleep, and I watched as his eyes darted back and forth under his lids. I hoped his dreams were filled with memories of our lovemaking and not the bullshit about a person firmly relegated to my past.

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Chapter Four Scowling, Tyler tapped the face of his watch as I walked up to him. “You’re late.” “And you’re cute when you’re angry.” I kissed him on the cheek. Blushing wildly, he shoved me away and stomped off into the sandwich shop. I followed and stood very near him as we waited in line. I blew warm air across his neck and laughed when goose bumps rose on his skin. After the emo bitchiness of last night, I’d woken up in a surprisingly good mood. The minute Tyler left me to go to work, I was anxious to see him again. “What do you want?” He was scowling, but a smile was trying its best to break through. “The usual?” “Sounds good. Lunch is on me, okay?” I pulled my credit card out of my wallet and handed it to the cashier. Tyler rattled off our orders and took our cups to the fountain to get our drinks. I signed the receipt and, order number in hand, found our favorite booth. I sat down, and Tyler sat across from me. He pushed his sunglasses onto the top of his head and tossed his phone on the table. “How’s work going today?” He sighed. “About as well as can be expected, I guess. I mean, I know they’ve been without a system architect for a while, but there’s really no excuse for the project to be the disaster it is. How they’ve gotten by without the VP realizing they’re morons is beyond me.” “Sorry.” I reached under the table and squeezed his knee. “I bet you’re missing having me around right about now.” He covered my hand with his, and his thumb stroked my wrist. “Working with you is like Bill Gates and Paul Allen or Steve Jobs and Woz. Except we fuck.” I choked on a mouthful of soda. “What?” My eyes were watering, and I rubbed them with the back of my hand. “Since when do you say that word?”

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“You seemed to like saying it well enough last night. I thought I’d try it out on you.” “You are an evil man.” I squeezed his knee again. “If I recall, you said us working together and sleeping together was an exceedingly bad idea.” “It was, and it is.” He smiled wickedly. “Doesn’t mean it wasn’t a lot of fun.” Even after his bad morning, Tyler was in a playful mood. I really liked his playful moods. When we worked together, it meant a quickie in the server room. Now it meant that I might not have to spend the night alone. The tiny waitress who had a huge crush on Tyler brought us our sandwiches, and I teased him about her until he turned bright red. To shut me up, he lobbed bits of potato chip at me. Afterward he leaned across the table to pick a few out of my hair. I tried to remember if being with Jamie had ever been this easy. We were kids the last time we’d seen each other, and I doubted we had anything in common now. Tyler and I, on the other hand, were well suited for each other. We did the same work, had the same hobbies, and liked the same things. He ribbed me about the paranormal books I read, and I never let him forget how much he liked to play Lego Star Wars. We were a perfect match. I finished my sandwich and shook the last of the crumbs out of my hair. “Need a refill?” I asked, shaking my cup. “Yeah, that would be great. Thanks.” I picked up his cup, and as I stood, I spotted a familiar face sitting at a table between me and the soda fountain. It wasn’t until I focused on her escort that I panicked. “Oh fuck.” I quickly sat back in the booth and scooted up against the wall. Tyler frowned. “So you give me grief, but you can say it whenever you want?” “Quiet.” I leaned across the table and whispered. “Who would be the absolute last person I’d want to see right now?” His eyes went wide. “You cannot be serious.” I laid my head on the table. “I wish I weren’t. He’s here with his mom.” Tyler began to lean out of the booth. “I want to see him. Where is he?” I grabbed his arm and pulled him back. “No, he’ll see you.”

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“What are we? In high school? Tell me where the hell he is so I can look at him.” I sighed. “Second table from the drink fountain. His mom’s wearing a red shirt, I think.” Tyler leaned out of the booth again. He was still and silent for several seconds before sitting up again. “Oh.” I could see that Tyler’s playful mood had taken a nosedive. “Oh? That’s it?” “Yep.” I laid my head back down on the table. So much for not seeing Jamie. Why were they even in Atlanta anyway? I jumped up, determined to at least get out of the restaurant without having to talk to them. “Let’s go.” “Sean…” I reached out and grabbed Tyler’s arm. “Don’t make me yank you up and carry you out of here.” He held his hands up in surrender, his cheeks burning again. It always turned him on when I was dominant and demanding. The blush made me think our night wouldn’t be a total loss after all. There was no way to leave without passing their table. I pushed Tyler in front of me, gave his ass a little smack, and told him to walk fast. I hoped the shield of his body and a little speed might get us out of there unnoticed. “Don’t stop, no matter what,” I whispered. Face forward and back straight, Tyler headed down the aisle between the tables. I wasn’t far behind. Just as we passed their table, I heard Dr. Matthews speak. “Sean?” I pulled up beside Tyler and urged him forward with a hand to the small of his back. He stumbled slightly, but neither of us stopped. I cringed when I heard her voice again. “James, was that Sean?” Rushing outside, we walked a few yards down the sidewalk before stopping to lean back against the outer wall of a nearby store.

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Tyler chuckled. “I think I just officially turned into a teenage girl.” “Oh, I don’t know about that.” I pulled away from the wall and turned to Tyler, wrapping my arms around his waist. “You certainly don’t feel like a girl.” “Yes, but I do feel like a complete idiot.” Taking a chance, I kissed him. It was the only way I knew to apologize. He went stiff in my arms, but I didn’t stop. He finally relaxed, moving his lips slowly with mine. “Forgive me?” I ran the pad of my thumb over his reddened lips. “I must, since I let you kiss me in front of God and everybody.” He gave me a shy smile. “This wasn’t exactly how I planned to spend our lunch hour. Come over tonight and let me make it up to you?” “Only if you provide the food and the beer.” “I think I can manage that.” I quickly kissed him once more. “It’s the least I can do after using you as a human shield.” Still entwined around each other, we agreed on a time for dinner and said our good-byes. Tyler allowed me another quick kiss before pulling back and walking away, sparing me one brief look over his shoulder. I could see him standing there out of the corner of my eye. I wasn’t sure how long Jamie had watched us, but judging from the look on his face when I turned toward him, he’d seen plenty. Our standoff lasted long enough for me to really look at him. His skin was darkly tanned, and his arms and chest were bulging with muscles I didn’t remember him having. While obviously growing out from its army cut, his hair was still very short, and the dirty blond was mixed with a little gray at his temples. As he stared back, he wrung his hands, passing his fingers over the prominent veins. His bottom lip was clenched between his teeth. The only thing that hadn’t changed were his eyes. Deepest brown. Expressive. Bottomless. No matter how hard he fought to cover his emotions, they were obvious with one look into his eyes. Even as he held his body confidently and almost confrontationally, he watched me with eyes that were sad…pleading…desperate. Still, he didn’t move toward me. He just waited.

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I turned and walked away, leaving his wringing hands and puppy-dog eyes without a glance back.

*** As I walked through my apartment door, my cell phone rang. I fished it out of my pocket, hoping it wasn’t Tyler calling to cancel. I really needed to see him, and I needed to make sure he wasn’t still stewing over seeing Jamie at lunch today. Instead the caller ID displayed my mother’s number. I really wasn’t in the mood for conversation, but I knew I couldn’t avoid her. She’d keep calling until I picked up. I answered the phone and put it on speaker. “Hey, Mom.” I kicked off my shoes and stretched out on the couch. “Don’t hey me. Did I raise you to be rude to our best friends in the world?” Oh shit. She’d talked to Dr. Matthews. “Mom—” “Well, did I?” Her voice was high-pitched and grating, a sure sign she was pissed. “How could you just walk off and not say hello to Anna and James? Especially after you haven’t see James in years. Apparently I didn’t beat you enough as a child.” “I’m sorry.” “Is that all I get?” She paused, and I could hear her take a deep breath. “What’s going on, Sean? It’s not like you to be so…disrespectful.” After twelve years, I decided it was finally time to tell Mom the truth. At least all the truth I was prepared to give her. She didn’t need to know all the intimate details, and I didn’t want to relive them. “If I tell you, will you promise not to tell anyone else? Especially the Matthews?” They’d long since asked me to call them by their first names, but it just felt wrong. “As long as you understand that kind of promise doesn’t cover your father.” “Understood.” I chewed on my lip, reluctant to continue. A series of cell towers couldn’t keep her from reading me like a book. “It’s okay, Sean. Just tell me.”

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I sat up on the couch and leaned over, resting my head in my hands. “You remember the summer before I started college, when I came out?” “Of course I do. I was so proud of you for telling us.” And she had been. So had Dad. “Is it James? Are you worried what he’ll think? I’m sure Anna’s told him, sweetheart.” “No, Mom, that’s not it.” I shook my head as if she could see me. “When I talked to you and Dad, I told you that some boy had broken my heart. Remember?” “Yes.” “It wasn’t some boy. It was Jamie.” I’d always wanted to tell Mom about that last night with Jamie. I wanted her to know how much his leaving really hurt me, how much I’d lost. I knew if anyone would understand, it would be her. But I’d always been afraid, not of her reaction to me but of her losing respect for Jamie. Even though he’d hurt me, I didn’t want my parents to think less of him. “Oh, Sean.” The sound of her voice was like a verbal hug. If she’d been here, she’d have held me. “Do you want to tell me about it?” “Not tonight, if that’s okay. I will, later, I promise.” “Whenever you’re ready, sweetheart.” She sighed. “Does Tyler know?” “Yeah, and he’s a bit worried. I wish I could tell him there’s no reason to be, but…” I wasn’t sure how to finish the sentence when I wasn’t even sure how I felt. “I understand. It’s not every day the first love comes waltzing back into town.” Her words were clipped and bitter. This was exactly what I didn’t want to happen. “Mom, don’t let this affect your relationship with the Matthews. Not with Jamie either. It was a long time ago. Let’s just let it go, okay.” “Have you just let it go?” “Yes.” Worst liar in the world? That would be me. “Okay.” She sounded as if she didn’t quite believe me. “You know, I’m sorry…for whatever happened.” “It wasn’t your fault, Mom.”

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“Well, I’m sorry you couldn’t tell me until now.” “Mom, don’t say that. I just didn’t want it to make you and Dad avoid your friends. I never once thought you wouldn’t understand.” Feeling more relaxed, I reclined on the couch. “And I more than made up for it by whining about all my boyfriends since then.” “That you did.” She chuckled, and I knew we were okay. “Can I ask one question?” I waited a few seconds, hesitant to tell her any more than I already had. “Sure.” “Did you love him?” she whispered. Whatever I’d been expecting her to ask, that wasn’t it. Still, I shouldn’t have been surprised by my mother’s bluntness. She didn’t mess around. “Yes, Mom, I did.” “I love you, Sean.” She sniffled. I picked up the phone and took it off speaker. Even though there was no one else around, I wanted to give her some privacy. “Love you too, Mom.” We talked a little longer, just enough to cheer her up and say good-bye. As soon as I hung up, a text message from Tyler popped up on the screen. on my way. there better be food when I get there. oh, & clothes are optional, right? I licked my lips and smiled. Playful Tyler was back.

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Chapter Five “Okay, seriously,” I whined. “My arm is starting to hurt.” Tyler sipped on a glass of pinot grigio and grinned. “Don’t be a wuss. Your dad will kick your ass if you let that risotto stick.” I loved Dad’s cooking, but I never liked being his slave labor. “What does he do when I’m not around?” My father’s deep laugh rang out behind me. “That’s easy. We don’t have risotto.” He took the wooden spoon from my hand and nudged me out of his way. “For a young man, you’re awfully lazy. I bet you always bottom.” Tyler sprayed white wine all over himself. “I think I heard your mom calling me from the dining room.” He marched out of the kitchen, grabbing the bottle of wine on his way out. Dad laughed. “He’s way too easy.” “That was mean. Hilarious, but mean.” I jumped onto the counter to sit next to the stove. “And I’ll have you know that I am a very active top.” “La la la la la!” Dad put his fingers in his ears. “Well, you kinda asked for it, you know.” Seeing that the rice was low on liquid, I ladled more chicken stock into the pan. “Thanks.” He resumed stirring. “Your mom told me about the talk you two had.” I didn’t have to ask. I knew which talk he meant. The fact that he’d waited two weeks to bring it up told me he’d spent some time thinking about it. I swung my legs, lightly kicking the cabinets. “Yeah. I kinda thought she might.” “You know, I remember the morning he left. I think that was the moment I finally realized what had been going on between you two.”

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“No, Dad.” I waited for him to make eye contact with me so he’d see I was telling the truth. “You misunderstood. We never did anything until the night of his graduation. I promise.” He looked at me, confused. “Oh, no, I didn’t mean that. Although that does put my mind at ease, now that you mention it.” The spoon sliced through the bubbling rice, and Dad stared at it intently. “As you and James got older, it was obvious things changed between you. At first I thought it was hero worship on your part. But that night at dinner, you two could barely take your eyes off each other.” I closed my eyes and tried to keep the memories from flooding back. “I don’t know about that.” “Nope, it was clear to anyone that cared to see. He was crazy about you. And the next morning… Well, I finally realized you were in love with him too.” “Dad.” He removed the risotto from the heat and tossed in two large handfuls of shredded cheese. Stirring again, he looked at me. “I never thought he’d stay away. When I think about how he left you behind, I just want to shake him like a rag doll.” I leaped down off the counter and gave him a quick hug. “Thanks, Dad.” He patted my hand, which was still on his shoulder. “Not sure what you’re thanking me for, but you’re welcome.” He took a small bite of the rice and put the spoon back in the pan. Suddenly he looked sheepish. “Please don’t tell your mother I did that.” We talked as he spooned the risotto into a large bowl. We were both leaning over the open oven to admire the roasted chicken when the doorbell rang. Dad lifted the chicken from the oven and set it on a trivet. “UPS must be running late tonight.” There was mumbling in the foyer. As it grew louder and came closer, I could distinguish my mother’s voice. “You aren’t late. Stephen’s just finishing dinner now.” My hands fisted at my sides as soon as Mom walked into the kitchen, Jamie trailing behind her. In the far back, Tyler was gesturing wildly, mouthing, “What the fuck?” I was pretty sure Dad muttered the same question under his breath.

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Before they made it across the room, Tyler swooped around them, throwing his arm around my waist. With Tyler on my left and Dad on my right, we stood united in our displeasure over our new guest. This, of course, didn’t faze my mother in the least. “Stephen, look who I ran into at the grocery store today.” She patted Jamie’s arm. “Isn’t it great he could join us for dinner?” “Uh-huh.” Dad shook Jamie’s hand. He might be upset with Mom, or even Jamie himself, but he wouldn’t be rude. “Hello, James. Good to see you.” “Thank you, sir. It’s good to be home.” Jamie’s eyes darted between Tyler and me. Mom turned to Tyler next. “And this is Sean’s boyfriend, Tyler.” There was an excessive amount of stress on the word boyfriend. “Tyler, this is James, Anna and John’s son.” Tyler, not looking particularly friendly, nodded. “I’ve heard a lot about you.” Jamie seemed shocked for a second. He then set his eyes on me. “Hello, Sean.” The rich timbre of his voice hadn’t lessened with age. If anything, it had deepened. I tried not to remember what it felt like to hear that voice whisper in my ear, begging me to come. Instead I threaded my fingers through Tyler’s at my hip. “Hey, James.” Fuck it if I was going to call him by the name I’d given him when we were kids. It had the effect I wanted, and he frowned. “Well, that was awkward as hell.” Mom completely ignored the four men glaring at her. “Let’s see if some food and some wine can’t lighten the mood.” As they walked into the dining room, I looked at Dad in disbelief. He just shook his head and picked up the bowl of risotto. “Don’t ask me. I’m just as much in the dark as you are. Bring the chicken in when you’ve had a chance to calm down.” Left alone with Tyler, I buried my face in the crook of his neck. “She’s completely lost it this time. You think it’s too soon to put her in a home?” “Maybe not one for the criminally insane.” He kissed my cheek. “Just get the damn chicken, and let’s get this over with.”

***

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Dad got tired of the small talk after his third glass of wine. “So, James, you’ve been gone quite a while. Does the army not let its people have leave anymore?” The change in tone caught Jamie off guard. “Um…yes, yes we were granted leave sometimes.” “Okay.” Dad popped a piece of chicken in his mouth and chewed. “So, did you forget how to get to Athens?” “Come on, Stephen.” Mom’s tone was teasing; her glare was not. “Quit giving the poor boy a hard time.” “He hasn’t been a boy for quite some time now. Have you, James?” Jamie looked him straight in the eye. “No, sir, I haven’t.” The uncomfortable conversation that we’d managed to sustain all night completely stopped. Forks and knives scraping against porcelain and chewing were the only sounds in the room. Every few minutes, Jamie would stare at me before turning his attention back to his food. He wasn’t bashful about it. There was no hesitance in his gaze. He only looked away from me out of necessity. Was this how he’d looked at me during that last meal together? Dad was right. Anyone who cared to see could see that Jamie was there for me. Mom and Dad were still having a silent argument full of glares and grimaces, until Dad finally surrendered with a sigh. “Well, James, what are your plans now that you are home?” Jamie’s tense posture relaxed, and he sank back into his chair a bit. “As a combat medic, I received quite a bit of training, so I’m qualified as an advanced life support paramedic. I went to Atlanta to take the license test a few weeks ago, and I’ve gotten a job with the Athens EMS. I’ll have to work nights for a while since I’m the new guy. That’s fine, though. Better me than a guy with a wife or kids they’d never get to see.” Dad nodded. “That’s true. What made you decide to leave the army?” “After two tours in Afghanistan, it was just time.” For a second, he was far away, but he came back to us just as quickly. I’d heard he was there, and despite how he’d hurt me, I had worried about him. I couldn’t imagine—didn’t want

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to imagine—the things he must have seen. I realized that I probably didn’t know him now any better than he knew me. Mom reached over and patted Jamie’s hand. “I’m sure you’re glad to be back. I know Anna and John are thrilled to have you home.” “Yes, ma’am.” His eyes found mine again. “A lot of things have changed, but I’m hoping to adjust to it all.” I swallowed hard as the conversation around me continued. Finally gathering enough courage to look at Tyler, I could see he hadn’t missed any of the evening’s subtext. I put my hand on top of his on the table, and with a sad smile on his face, he held it. I kissed his cheek and pressed my lips to his ear. “I’m going to talk to Mom, and then we can get out of here. Okay?” He nodded, and we returned to our meal, neither of us saying a word. As soon as Mom began to clear the table, I grabbed my plate and Tyler’s and trailed behind her into the kitchen. She dumped her armful of dishes onto the counter and spun around, her hands on her hips. “Spit it out.” After a quick glance to make sure we were alone, I added my dishes to the pile and mirrored her stance. “What the hell were you thinking? Were you thinking at all?” Her eyes narrowed. “I’m usually pretty easygoing, but you have exactly ten seconds to remember to whom you’re speaking and to adjust your attitude.” It didn’t matter that I was thirty. My mother still knew how to instantly put me in my place. Head bowed, I spoke again, this time in a respectful tone. “I’m sorry. I just don’t understand why he’s here, Mom. Especially after what I told you.” “I invited him here because of what you told me.” Confused, I sighed and slumped against the kitchen island. “That makes no sense to me at all. He’s the last person I wanted to see.” She leaned next to me and took my hand. “At first I was angry at James, and your father obviously still is. Then I thought about all the unresolved pain you have.” When I opened my

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mouth to deny it, she waved me off. “Don’t even bother. I could hear it in every word you said to me, even over the phone.” “Did you think that dinner was going to fix all that?” “No, but we had to start somewhere.” She squeezed my hand. “I didn’t plan this. I truly did run into him at the grocery store today. And when he asked about you… That pain… His eyes were filled with it.” “I think his intentions are less than pure, though.” “That may be, but avoiding him isn’t going to fix anything either. Just look at where twelve years of avoidance have gotten him.” “Mom…” “Look, Sean, I know that maybe he doesn’t deserve a chance to be your friend. But sometimes we give people things not because they deserve them but because we love them or because they meant something to us once…or just because we can.” I wanted to argue. I wanted to be angry and spiteful. Most of all, I wanted to hate him. But I didn’t, and I never had. I just wanted him to hurt as much as I had. If my mother was right, though, he already did. “I’ll think about it.” I kissed the top of her head. “I love you.” “Love you too.” Our heads turned toward the sound of a clearing throat. Tyler stood in the doorway, waving at us. “Is it safe to enter yet? The other cowards—I mean guys—ran off into the den.” “Mom,” I whispered, “if it’s okay, I think we’ll call it a night. Will you tell Dad thanks for dinner?” “Sure thing.” She kissed me on the cheek before walking to Tyler and kissing his cheek as well. We walked to the car, and Tyler held my hand tightly. He only let it go long enough to let me get in the car. He didn’t let me go until he drifted off to sleep somewhere around Monroe.

***

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I shifted in bed, drawing Tyler’s naked body closer to mine. When he’d taken me, he’d been aggressive and relentless. I knew I’d be sore in the morning. I didn’t even want to think about how I was going to cover the marks on my neck. I ran my fingers through his hair, separating and straightening the damp locks. His face was finally relaxed, and he looked peaceful. I traced the dark circles under his eyes with the tip of my finger. Why hadn’t I noticed them sooner? Mom had meant well; I understood that now. But she hadn’t given any thought to how all this would make Tyler feel. Then again, maybe she had overestimated his stoicism. Or underestimated his love. When Tyler looked at me, so scared and withdrawn, I’d understood what he hadn’t yet told me. I’d wanted to wrap him up in my arms and tell him that everything would be all right. That I’d never hurt him. That I was finally ready to be the man he’d wanted me to be all this time. He loved me. I loved him too. We might never say it, but we felt it. I wouldn’t give him up, even for Jamie. Tyler rubbed his cheek against my chest, and the scratch of his stubble felt so good. “Hey,” he whispered in a sleepy voice. “Why you awake? Somethin’ wrong?” “Nothing’s wrong. Go back to sleep, okay?” “’Kay.” He snuggled closer to me and was quickly asleep. His breath blew across my skin, and I shivered. Watching him sleep, I thought again about what my mother had asked me to do. I didn’t know if I could work things out with Jamie. Mom was right, though. He’d meant everything to me once, and that had to count for something.

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Chapter Six The phone rang while I was debugging the same piece of code for the fifth time. I yanked the receiver to my ear. “Yeah?” “Hey, Sean.” As if my day weren’t shitty enough, I now had to talk to Jamie. Because of Dad’s rapidfire interrogation last night, I’d successfully avoided any real conversation with Jamie. I debated hanging up on him but remembered Mom’s request that I at least try to smooth things over with him. It wasn’t like I was getting anywhere with my code. “Hi, James.” She didn’t say I had to make it easy for him. “I got your number from your mother. I hope that’s okay.” “Sure.” It wouldn’t have mattered anyway; she’d still have given it to him. “I’m in Atlanta, and I would like to have lunch with you.” His voice was calm and smooth, never betraying an ounce of nervousness. “Are you available? We could meet at the restaurant where we saw each other a couple of weeks ago.” I chuckled, knowing that was his way of calling me out on my rude behavior. “No, I don’t have plans. I could use a break from what I’m working on anyway.” I rummaged around my desk for my cell and wallet. “I can meet you there in thirty minutes.” “Perfect. See you then.” Before I left the office, I sent Tyler a quick text message. Jamie called. Wants to meet for lunch. Bail me out if I have to bitch-slap him? A few seconds later, my phone chirped. bail you out? don’t you mean meet you at the hospital? :-P My fingers flew and sent the next text before I took the time to think.

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I love you. The phone chirped again. WHAT?! wait! you can’t just tell me that in a txt msg! Laughing, I put my phone on silent and left for lunch. Forty-five minutes later, I was picking at a turkey on rye and waiting for Jamie to talk. Instead, he asked me question after annoying question. “How did I meet Tyler?” I took a sip of sweet tea. “I started work at my current company, and he was the guy who made sure I could find my office.” I smiled, thinking about how I’d wanted to find out who was behind those sexy glasses the minute I saw Tyler walk down the hall toward me. Jamie wasn’t eating either. “He cares a lot about you.” “I care about him too.” I wasn’t going to share my latest revelation with him, no matter how good a listener he still seemed to be. The conversation died again. This was turning out to be one tremendous waste of time. If he was only going to interrogate me and stare at me with those molten brown eyes, I was going back to work. Still, I felt I owed it to my mother to try again. “You went to Afghanistan?” “Yes.” “Were you ever stationed in other countries?” “Yes.” “Did you like that?” “Sometimes.” More silence. I wanted to scream, but I managed to keep my voice calm. “Why did you ask me to lunch if you weren’t going to say anything?” “I needed to see you. I’ll talk if you want me to.” “Okay,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest. “Why did you come back after all this time?”

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He looked me straight in the eye. “I came for you.” The matter-of-fact tone of his voice, sounding as if I should have known why he was here, made me want to punch him in the middle of his calm, collected face. Did he really believe because he was my first he had the right to come back after all these years and turn my life upside down? Since punching him might land me in jail and would most definitely disappoint my mother, I decided to do the next best thing: bolt. I jumped to my feet, and my chair had barely stopped scraping the tile floor before Jamie caught my wrist and refused to let go. His steely expression was gone, replaced by genuine worry. “Sean,” he whispered, “please. Don’t go.” His grip loosened, but he didn’t let me go. “I know I’m a complete jackass, and I’m sorry. Just…don’t go.” I pulled my arm again, and this time he released me. “What do you want?” “I just want the chance to get to know you again.” He stood and moved toward me slowly. “We were best friends once, and despite all I’ve done, I’d like to be that again. Can we just talk?” When I rolled my eyes, he held up his hands and smiled. “Okay, let’s take a seat, and I’ll talk.” I raised an eyebrow. “Do I have a choice?” “No matter how I may make it seem sometimes, you always have a choice.” And there he was, the Jamie I remembered. The Jamie that respected me and made sure that I had what I wanted and needed. I felt like a kid again, like he’d surround and protect and love me no matter what. I felt the way I hoped Tyler felt about me. “Fine. But not here. Let’s walk to the park. I could use the fresh air.” I ran my hand through my hair, pushing my bangs off my face. “And the public setting should keep me from knocking the shit out of you.” Jamie’s face lit up. “You wanted to hit me?” I gaped at him. “And this makes you happy?” He nodded enthusiastically. “Anger is better than indifference. Anger I can work with.”

***

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We made it to Centennial Park just in time to see the first towering jets of water at the Fountain of Rings lunchtime display. Children were running into the spray from all directions as their parents, holding towels and dry clothes, stood by watching. The toddlers were always the most fun to watch. They were consistently amazed when the water shot up between their feet and tried to follow it back down underground when the stream stopped. Jamie sat next to me on the bench and watched the kids wistfully. “You know, near my base in Afghanistan, there was this group of little kids that would play soccer in the fields. It’s crazy. Here’s the world falling down around them, and they can play and laugh like someday everything will be okay. The innocence of children can be astonishing sometimes.” I wanted to reach out and take his hand, but I wasn’t sure that was still appropriate. He’d obviously seen things that haunted him, and the strength it took to continue living his life after that must have been overwhelming. Then again, he’d always been the strongest person I’d ever known. I might not be able to hold his hand, but I could make him smile. “Didn’t you show them how to play a real game? Like American football?” He laughed. “Good God, please tell me you’re not still a Falcons fan.” “Fuck off,” I said good-naturedly. “I forget you’re a baseball freak. You and Tyler should talk sometime. He’s a die-hard Braves fan.” “How can you not be a baseball fan? Even besides the fact that you should be into all those geeky stats and complicated rules, there’s all those guys in those tight pants.” He practically sighed. Wide-eyed, I was speechless. Sure, he’d once had my dick in his mouth, but this was the first time he’d said something so obviously gay to me. He must have realized then what he’d said, because a pink blush rose up on his cheeks. “A little soon for that, maybe,” he muttered under his breath. “Tight pants, huh?” I was thrilled when his blush deepened to bloodred. “Maybe I should rethink letting Tyler go to games without me.” “What do you do while he’s watching the games?”

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“Mostly read. My e-reader is always with me, and I’ve loaded it down with sci-fi. And I like to read a lot of the young-adult paranormal stuff. You know, witches, wolves, vampires, and zombies.” “Same old, same old, huh?” He turned on the bench, facing me. “So you’ve read Twilight, right?” I’d finally gotten the upper hand in this conversation, and there was no way I was relinquishing it. “No.” He could always tell when I was being less than truthful. “You have, you big fat liar. Did you see the movies too?” “No, I didn’t.” I hoped the heat on my face was from the sun. “I read about real vampires.” Jamie leaned close and whispered in my ear. “You know vampires don’t really exist, right?” The heat of his breath against my earlobe made me shiver, and I mentally calculated the distance between his lips and my skin. My body’s reaction to his nearness wasn’t unexpected, but I wasn’t going to act on it. I wasn’t going to let him act on it either. He pulled away, confusion mixed with a fiery lust in his eyes. He needed to know his boundaries. I moved to the end of the bench. “I’m in love with Tyler.” “I know.” Of course he did. He always knew my secrets without my having to tell him. “Then don’t push it.” He rubbed his face with his hands before running them over his spiky hair. “I don’t… I didn’t mean to.” He leaned back, tilting his face toward the sun. “Can I just tell you something? Just get it out there so we can get past it?” “Okay.” I wasn’t okay. Not even remotely. He continued to address the blue sky. “That night? I didn’t go into it intending to do what I did.” He took a deep breath and released it slowly. “Remember the summer before I went to college? You were fourteen, and your parents took you to Ireland for two months?” Of course I remembered. My father had taken a mini sabbatical to work on a textbook on Irish history. He’d planned everything around my summer vacation, and we’d gone as a family.

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Some of my best memories of our family were from that trip. I’d sent Jamie a postcard every two days, and he was still receiving them for a couple of weeks after we returned. “Yeah, I remember.” “When you came back, you were different. You’d gotten so tall. You didn’t even have to look up to make eye contact with me anymore. And you weren’t so skinny, and your hair had turned to that deep color I like so much.” His head lolled toward me. “God, I wanted you. Sure, I’d fooled around a little, kisses and handjobs here and there. But I’d never wanted a guy the way I wanted you when you stepped off that fucking plane.” He closed his eyes and took another deep breath. “Your age wasn’t the only reason I didn’t touch you, but that was a huge part of it. I just knew that if we did anything, it wouldn’t just be fucking. I couldn’t do that to my family. I lived to make my dad proud of me, and I didn’t think the colonel could be proud of a gay son. So I decided to stuff that down deep and join the army. To get as far away from temptation as I could.” I stared at my feet, unable to decide among my conflicting reactions. Knowing how long he’d wanted me made me happy…and sad. Hearing him confirm that I wasn’t the first man he’d touched made me jealous. Being called a temptation he needed to avoid pissed me off. “Look at me, Sean.” His eyes were watery, but his gaze didn’t waver. “I swore to myself that I wouldn’t touch you, that I wouldn’t show you how I feel. But, God, I was so fucking jealous when I saw you talking to that guy at the party. I just wanted to have at least a little part of you for myself. It was selfish, but I don’t regret it. I don’t regret making love to you and being your first. What I will hate myself for until the day I die is leaving you behind and not having the courage to come back.” He raised his hand to my cheek but drew back before touching me. “I love you, Sean. But I know it’s too late. I promise I won’t do anything to hurt you or Tyler.” My head was swimming. My chest hurt. I needed to get the fuck out of there. Slowly rising to my feet, I slid my shaking hands into my pockets. “I’ve got to get back to work.” “Okay.” He stood without coming closer. “Thank you for talking to me.” I didn’t know what else to say, so I simply nodded and walked away. I made it a few yards before Jamie called my name.

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“Sean! I told them.” I turned and called back. “Told who what?” “My parents. I told them I’m gay.” Smiling, he turned and left.

*** “I don’t really want to hear about your lunch.” Tyler’s jealousy oozed through the phone. “What if I tell you he apologized to me?” “Did he?” I shrugged. “Okay, maybe that’s overstating it. But he did say he understood it was too late for us.” “Yeah.” Tyler was never good at nonchalance, and I imagined him squirming in his chair. “What brought on that revelation?” “I told him I’m in love with you.” “Yeah?” This time his voice was breathy. I was so getting laid tonight. “Uh-huh. And I am, ya know.” All I could think about was whispering the words directly into his ear. “Think it would be okay if I came over tonight and told you in person?” He cleared his throat. “That sounds like a plan.” “Someone walked into your office just now, didn’t they?” “Yep.” I stifled a cackle. “How ’bout I say it while you bury your hard, thick cock deep in my tight ass?” Choking. He was definitely choking. “I hate you. You better not be late.” The call ended with a click. Spinning slowly in my chair, I wondered why I’d waited so long to give in to this. It had been years after Jamie left before another man could touch me without my body remembering Jamie’s hands. Once Tyler and I had been together, though, I could only think of him, even if it took a little while to stop pretending I wanted something else.

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Bracing my feet on my desk, I stopped my chair. The message light on my phone was blinking, and I picked up the phone fully expecting a lecture from Tyler. I was surprised to hear Jamie’s voice. “I just wanted to thank you again for lunch and for listening to me without punching my teeth in.” His laugh was slightly awkward. “I really would like to be friends. I know that sounds cliché, but we were best friends once.” He paused and laughed, and this time it was more relaxed. “By the way, I’m Team Jacob. I hope that isn’t a deal breaker.” I laughed at the poor, deluded man—after all, anyone with any sense was Team Edward— and pressed the button to save his message.

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Chapter Seven No matter how long I lived in Atlanta, I would never call it home. Home was Athens, and my favorite place on earth was downtown. I loved walking down the sidewalks past the shops and restaurants catering to the permanent residents and the itinerant students. Growing up here, I’d spent lots of time with either my parents or Jamie exploring the shops and bookstores. When I started college, I’d moved on campus and turned into the typical student who spent each weekend trolling the bars. As I passed each establishment now, I remembered the various young men I’d been with in those places, as well as the fevered dashes back to the dorm to get our hands and mouths on each other. “You know, it kills me when you get that look on your face. Is there a place in this town you don’t associate with a guy?” Tyler was looking at me, half-annoyed and half-teasing. We’d found a shade tree and were sitting under it. For mid-June, it was pretty damn hot. I brought Tyler here every year for the musical festival, but this year we were more laid-back, less anxious to move from stage to stage and see all the bands we could. Instead we’d rambled around until we ended up under this tree, my head in Tyler’s lap. In the weeks since our declarations, Tyler had become a bit more affectionate in public. His hand brushed mine more often. He hugged me, regardless of whether someone might see us. I’d even gotten a quick kiss at the station one morning before we took different trains to work. Still, lying here, his fingers running through my hair, was completely unexpected…and incredibly arousing. He tugged my hair. “So, who was it?” “Who was who?” “Who did you defile in that bar you’re staring at?”

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“Defile is such a strong word.” I winced when he pulled my hair again. “Blow…blow would be a better description.” Tyler laughed, and the deep sound went straight to my groin. “Dear God, you were such a slut when you were in college.” He leaned down and swiped a wet trail along the shell of my ear with his tongue. “But you’re my slut now.” I rolled over until I could look up into his eyes, dark and dilated. “Unless you’re planning on using that tongue somewhere else in the next few minutes, you need to keep it in your damn mouth.” “Fine.” He leaned back against the tree and began stroking my head. “So who did you get on your knees for in that dirty little bar?” I closed my eyes and concentrated on his fingertips against my scalp. Deciding it would be unmanly to purr, I hummed instead. “Mark.” “Ah, the first boyfriend. Lucky for me, he’s a complete tool.” “He’s not a tool.” I paused, unable to talk while Tyler massaged my earlobe between his thumb and forefinger. “He and his partner are really nice, and they like you well enough.” Tyler huffed. “Come on, the guy cried like a baby when we watched Titanic. Who does that?” I grabbed his hand and kissed his palm. “Quit being such a hard-ass.” He leaned down, his lips millimeters from mine. “Oh, I don’t think it’s my ass that’s hard.” “Look, asshole, either fuck me or quit teasing me.” Our eyes locked, and I was lost in a deep, dark sea of lust. He pinched my bottom lip and pulled until I opened my mouth. “Tonight, I promise.” There was no time to agree. His lips covered my open mouth. Just as the tip of his tongue slid past my teeth, the sound of kids laughing caused him to pull away. The bubble burst, I scrambled to my feet and pulled Tyler up with me. We hadn’t eaten since leaving Atlanta, and Tyler’s stomach was gurgling. My favorite café was right around the corner.

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As we walked, we passed the kids’ activities and a medical station. An ambulance was parked at the curb, its rear doors open wide so the kids could see inside. It wasn’t until we were almost there that I saw Jamie lifting a little boy onto the rear bumper. Unlike the day at the fountain, Jamie had a broad grin on his face as he watched the children play. He patiently answered questions and explained more than once that he couldn’t turn on the sirens. No matter how many times his sleeve was yanked, he good-naturedly turned to the offending child and asked how he could help them. He looked good. Really good. The shades of blue uniform showed off his arms, which were more muscular than I remembered, and his ass, which was more plush than I recalled. He was still letting his hair grow out, and it was starting to brush the tips of his ears. And his eyes… I blushed and meekly waved when he caught me staring. Tyler smirked. “Busted.” Unable to find a hole into which I could crawl and die, I stood frozen next to my boyfriend as my ex-whatever waved back, then walked over. Tyler was flat-out laughing now, and Jamie looked a bit confused. “Hey guys!” Jamie called. “How’s it goin’?” “We’re good,” Tyler replied, resting his hand on the small of my back. “Thinking about having some lunch. You?” “I’m waiting for the next guy to relieve me.” Tyler looked at me with an arched eyebrow. I wasn’t sure if he wanted to tease me further or if he was being genuinely friendly. Figuring I was screwed either way, I nodded. “Wanna go to lunch with us? We’re going to Sean’s favorite place just down the street. It’s probably associated with some college one-night stand or other, but the food isn’t bad.” That answered my question about his intentions. Jamie laughed. “Sure, sounds good. If you want to go ahead, I can meet you there as soon as I’m free.” The fifty-yard walk to the café was like a death march. Being caught by my boyfriend ogling another man wasn’t usually a capital offense, but Jamie wasn’t just any man. And I wasn’t just ogling. I was reminiscing.

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Tyler requested a sidewalk table, and we sat there in silence. He was watching the people pass by. I watched him. He turned to me, a slight smile on his face. “What?” “I’m sorry for checking him out.” “Who? James?” His face and voice were calm, but his fingers picked at his napkin. “It’s okay.” “Why did you invite him to have lunch with us?” “James seems like a nice guy. He’s your friend, and he’s probably not got a lot of friends left in town.” He shredded the paper ring that had held his silverware. “And he’s apparently not bad to look at.” His cheeks flushed, and he watched his hands as if the ragged paper was the most interesting thing in the world. I arched a brow but let the last comment slide. “So it’s not about making me uncomfortable?” Tyler looked at me, smiling wide enough to bare his teeth. “Let’s say it’s not only about making you uncomfortable.” Twenty minutes of people watching and nervous small talk later, I saw Jamie walk across the street. I waved at him, and he hopped over the small railing separating the pedestrians and the customers to join us. His short-sleeved blue uniform shirt was unbuttoned, and before he sat down, he removed it to reveal a tight navy blue T-shirt underneath. He crossed his muscular arms over his chest and leaned back in his chair to look at Tyler. “So am I here so you can torture me or punish Sean?” His lips curled slightly upward. Tyler smirked. “A little of both.” “Well,” Jamie said as he picked up his menu, “as long as I get to eat first. I’m starving.” Jamie’s quick surrender eased all the tension I felt. If I’d been undecided before, I was now sure that Jamie and I could again be friends. He even seemed more than willing to get along with Tyler. It didn’t make me forget our past, but it certainly was the start of getting over it. I hated it when Mom was right. By the time our lunch arrived, we were well past the awkward stage. Just as I suspected, Tyler and Jamie got on well. They dissected the last Braves game, only pausing when I asked

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which guy had the best ass. I rolled my eyes as they gave the question considerable, serious thought. It was nice to be open around Jamie. I’d spent so much of my adolescence pretending not to be gay and not in love with him. I’d spent so much time hiding, I wasn’t sure he’d ever really known me. Sitting here talking and laughing like old times, I realized I’d worried too much. Jamie was still a little nervous, having only been out of the closet a few months, but Tyler put him at ease. He never brought up Jamie’s past with me, but he slowly led Jamie to talk about life since he’d left. Tyler took a long drink of his sweet tea. “It must have been lonely, going through life under Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. I mean, I’m not the first guy in the Pride parade, but that’s not because I’m ashamed of being gay. I’m just a reserved person by nature. It pisses me off to no end that the military forces people to deny who they are.” I grabbed Tyler’s hand under the table. “Yeah, I remember the fight we had the first time I tried to hold his hand in public. He made me call his mama in Kentucky to prove he wasn’t in the closet.” “Shut up.” Tyler laughed. “Mama loves you.” I bumped his shoulder with mine. “Yeah, well it’s only fair, since my mother likes you more than me. At least I’ll still keep my dad if we break up.” “That will never happen.” Jamie’s head popped up, and he seemed just as shocked as we were by his words. “I mean, you guys are perfect for each other.” “We had to go through a lot of losers first.” Tyler squeezed my hand. “Some of us more than others. Did you date much while you were on active duty?” “A little, but it was hard to do,” Jamie whispered. “You couldn’t call what I had relationships. They were more like understandings. I never had anyone want to take me home to meet their parents.” Tyler leaned over the table and waited for Jamie to make eye contact. “Their loss.” Jamie’s cheeks turned the palest pink, and he smiled, a genuine smile like he’d given me earlier.

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I thought about my mother’s standard new boyfriend interrogation. “Sometimes meeting the parents isn’t as great as it sounds.” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Tyler nod in agreement. He obviously remembered. “What did your parents say when you told them?” Jamie shrugged. “Mom cried. I expected that, though. But after spending my whole life afraid of disappointing my dad, he just said that he knew. He wasn’t sad or angry. He was relieved.” He shook his head. “My dad, retired army, Appalachian born and bred, said he was glad he didn’t have to worry about me being alone anymore.” He rubbed his wet eyes with the heels of his hands and took a deep breath. “I’m thirty-four, and I’m just now figuring my shit out. I’ve already missed all my prime twink years.” Tyler and I both exploded in laughter. When we’d finally stop, one of us would sputter, and it would start all over again. My stomach began to ache, and tears ran down Tyler’s face. “Stop. Laughing. People are starting to stare.” Jamie was not amused. “What the fuck is so funny anyway?” “You,” Tyler replied, pointing. “Completely ignoring the fact that twink sounds hilarious coming out of your mouth, you are not now nor have you ever been a twink.” “Really. And who is, then?” I found Tyler’s long finger and Jamie’s disbelieving gaze both pointing in my direction. I’d learned from experience that when Tyler started talking about my twinkiness, it always led to trouble. Tyler reached across the table and punched Jamie’s shoulder. “No, seriously, he was a hot, young boy toy in college, weren’t you, babe? And even now, he turns into a completely different geek when you get a few drinks in him. Come to Atlanta tonight, and we’ll go out so you can see for yourself.” “I don’t think that’s a good idea. That’s a long drive for James…” I knew calling him by his given name had been a mistake the second I saw his jaw tense. “I have the day off tomorrow, so driving wouldn’t be a problem. I say let’s go.” Tyler clapped his hands. “Great. You can meet us at Sean’s, and we’ll have dinner first. You can even crash on the couch for a while before you have to drive home.”

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I knew there was no changing their minds, so I borrowed the waitress’s pen and scrawled the directions to my apartment on the back of a to-go menu. Tyler and Jamie exchanged friendly good-byes while I stood by shell-shocked. Jamie was down the street before I could manage talking. “What the hell just happened?” “I think we just made plans to take James to his first gay club.” Tyler rubbed his hands together. “This is going to be fun. Maybe he’ll even find himself a trick and not need your couch at all.” I didn’t know which was worse: that it might happen or that I was pissed off just thinking about it.

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Chapter Eight “Guys, are you sure this is a good idea?” Jamie watched the steady stream of men entering the bar. He hung back, hesitant, but his eyes betrayed him. He wanted to go inside. He just needed a little encouragement. Tyler and I stood side by side, arms around each other’s waists, several steps ahead. I held my hand out to Jamie, much the same way he’d done for me a million times when we were kids. “Come on, it’s okay. We won’t run off and leave you. I promise.” Jamie threaded his fingers through mine, and his touch carried an unexpected shock that made me shiver. I looked at Tyler sheepishly, but he just squeezed me tighter. At the same time, Jamie squeezed my hand. I smiled, trying to give Jamie some of the reassurance Tyler had just given me. Jamie took a deep breath. “Let’s go.” The club was packed with every size, shape, and flavor of man imaginable. My chest vibrated as the music echoed inside me. I stood at our table, anxious to wade through the dancing crowd. We hadn’t been here in months, and I’d forgotten how much the atmosphere affected me. Tyler was right. A few shots and I’d be on the dance floor, grinding my ass all over his junk and begging him to put his hands down my pants. Even the earlier blowjob he’d given me wasn’t going to be enough to keep me dignified. When Tyler returned from the bar, it was obvious he wasn’t interested in keeping me that way either. He handed Jamie a beer and gave me two shots of tequila. I held one shot up in the air and examined it. “Hmm, the good stuff. You’re not even going to pretend you want me sober, are you?” Tyler leered at me as he took a sip from his own beer. “Nope.”

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I tossed the first shot down my throat, relishing the burn as it spread down into my stomach and through my body. I only waited a few seconds before downing the other shot and slamming the glass on the table. I sidled up to Tyler, who fed me sips of his beer between kisses. It would only be a few minutes now. Jamie watched, amused. “Well, looks like I might get a show out of my night at least.” “Oh, it gets better.” Tyler raised the beer to my lips again. “Doesn’t it, baby?” His pet names always turned me on, and him using one in front of Jamie sent shockwaves of desire through my body. I didn’t care that he was doing it to lay claim on me. I was seconds away from letting him do anything he wanted, audience or not. Dinner had been different. I’d expected it to be at least a little weird, but instead it was…nice. The three of us had almost immediately fallen into an easy companionship. Tyler never seemed uncomfortable, and Jamie never seemed like a third wheel. Sometimes they’d gotten lost in conversation, and I sat back and watched them. A stranger would have thought the two were old friends. And every so often, one would make the other blush or stammer. I should have been jealous, but how could I be when they paid me just as much attention? As I drank, Tyler and Jamie continued to talk. About the club. About men. About baseball. I didn’t care. I was just waiting to reach an adequate buzz level. When I did, I grabbed Tyler’s hand and pulled him off his stool. “Shut up and dance with me.” Barely a foot from the edge of the dance floor, I stopped him. As we began to sway, I untucked his shirt and slid my hands under the waistband of his jeans. My fingertips grazed the top of the curve of his ass, and I crushed his hips against mine. I loved that we were the same height. There was no need to bend my knees to line us up perfectly. He was getting hard against me before I even started to grind. Tyler wrapped his arms around my waist and looked over my shoulder. “He’s watching, you know.” I licked a trail up his neck and laughed when he shivered. “I thought that was the point.” “Am I that transparent?” “Crystal.” We found a rhythm we liked and held each other closer. “Do you want to stop?”

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He shook his head. “No, I don’t.” He spun me around and nestled his bulge against my ass. Jamie was staring right at us. His cheeks were flushed, and he never looked away. His eyes carefully tracked each swing of my hips. I groaned when I felt Tyler’s hand rub over my clothed cock. “I think you’ve proven your point already.” “I know,” he said in my ear. “But it’s not even about that anymore.” He buried his face in my hair. “I don’t know what the hell’s wrong with me. Tell me to stop, and I will.” I couldn’t understand what was happening. Things were getting out of control so quickly. I just knew, standing there with Tyler’s hands and Jamie’s eyes moving over my body, I didn’t care. “You know what I want.” The music continued, but the shaking of my body was no longer due to the pounding bass. Tyler popped open the button of my jeans, giving his hand just enough room to slip inside. He wrapped his long fingers around me and gave me a slow tug. His free arm came around my chest, bracing me against his body. Tyler’s hot breath was on my neck, and he pulled my cock with a slow, tight stroke. “Do you know how much I want you to come, Sean?” He sucked my earlobe, biting it softly as he released it. “If you did, would it be for him or for me?” Losing myself in the slow torture from Tyler’s hand, I looked at Jamie. He was staring straight at me, his eyes as dark and intense as the night he’d made love to me. I remembered the words he’d said, the rough sound of his voice. “Look at me, Sean. I want to see those pretty blue eyes when you come.” And Tyler. His body was molded to mine as it had been almost every night since we met. When we weren’t together, I ached for him. He’d never been just a fuck to me. But I loved him too much to lie. “Both. I’d come for you both.”

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Tyler’s hand moved from my cock to my chin, turning and tilting my head until he could reach my mouth with his. It was a kiss he usually reserved for home, full of lust and hunger. It was the kiss he gave me when he wanted me to take him. Breathless, I pulled away. “You’ll pay for that, you big tease.” “I’m counting on it.” He laughed. “I think we left James in an uncomfortable state.” “You deal with him. I need a drink.” The bar was crowded, and it was several minutes before I got the bartender’s attention. He was a flirty skater boy, but he didn’t compare to the men I’d left across the room. I wasn’t sure what had gotten into us. My twink college days aside, I was generally lowkey, and I was a million times more outgoing than Tyler. More than once, we’d gotten lost in a dancing crowd and jerked each other off. But the secrecy was part of the game. Never before had we touched each other hoping someone else would watch and be as hard as we were. When I returned to our table, Jamie and Tyler were making their way onto the dance floor. It wasn’t exactly what I’d meant when I told Tyler to take care of things. Still, after seeing Jamie’s reaction earlier, I was anxious to see where this dance would lead. They stood a foot or so apart, but as the music played, they gravitated toward each other. I held my breath waiting for their first touch, overwhelmed with relief when Jamie’s hand finally rested on Tyler’s hip and drew him closer. Instead of jealousy, I felt desire, hot and blazing in my chest. I pushed away whatever confusion I had in my mind and concentrated instead on every point at which the bodies of my boyfriend and my best friend met. Jamie’s hands moved to the small of Tyler’s back, pressing them together. He watched Tyler intently, but Tyler’s head remained bowed. The palms of Tyler’s hands glided slowly over the tense muscles of Jamie’s arms and joined together behind his neck. Jamie was talking, but Tyler only shook his head in response. Jamie placed a single finger under Tyler’s chin and tilted his head up and to the side. Beginning at the curved juncture of shoulder and neck, Jamie pressed the tip of his nose against Tyler’s skin, nuzzling a line to his ear. I immediately recognized Tyler’s wide-eyed look of shock. I’d looked at Jamie the exact same way the night he’d asked to kiss me. It was the way you looked when you got something

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you wanted only to find yourself terrified to have it. Tyler pushed Jamie away just as I stood to go to him. “Are you okay?” I pulled a stool out next to me, and Tyler dropped into it. “What did he say to you?” Tyler’s eyes followed Jamie as he walked past our table and to the bar. “Nothing. It’s nothing. I just needed to get a drink. That’s all.” After several minutes it was clear that whatever had been said would stay between them. Tyler finally relaxed, while Jamie remained at the bar. I excused myself and went to the bathroom. The line was long and slow-moving, and I hoped that, by the time I returned, the tension between the guys would be gone. When I walked out the bathroom door, I was yanked to the side and pinned against the wall. I barely recognized Jamie’s face before his lips were on mine, his fingers buried in my hair. I tried to pull away, but his grip on my hair tightened. His mouth opened, allowing his tongue to dart out and tease me. The more I resisted, the less I wanted to. Clenching his shirt in my fists, I kissed him back. Even after so much time, his taste hadn’t changed. It filled my mouth and made my head spin. Our tongues slid together, neither having forgotten how to find the secret spots that made us moan. When Jamie’s hands framed my face, I knew the kiss was over. His face, twisted with worry, was inches from mine. I could feel his heavy panting breath against my cheek. “Just remember,” he said, his voice breaking, “I loved you first.” His hands fell to his sides, and he walked away to rejoin Tyler at the table. I slumped against the wall, my feelings tangled so badly I was sure I’d never straighten them out. I wanted to chalk everything up to a full moon or out-of-control libidos, but in my heart, I was afraid it wasn’t so simple.

*** As we walked back to the SUV, Tyler held me back, allowing Jamie to walk ahead. “I saw you two kissing.”

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I stopped in my tracks and yanked his arm when he tried to keep walking. “I was going to tell you. I just didn’t want to do it in there…while he was still around.” Tyler walked up to me, stopping only when our chests met. “Tell me what he said to you,” he whispered. “No. Not until you tell me what he said to you on the dance floor.” He brushed my bangs away from my eyes and began stroking my head. “He asked if we’d let him watch just to hurt him. I couldn’t let him think that, but I couldn’t explain what happened either. When he touched me, I knew he understood.” Letting Tyler’s fingers soothe me, I closed my eyes. “He told me to remember he loved me first.” “Shit.” “I know.” “We’re probably making a huge mistake.” “Are we?” Tyler pulled his hand away, letting it brush my cheek. “I don’t know.” When we reached the SUV, Jamie stood at the door, patiently waiting. Back straight and staring ahead, he was at perfect soldier-boy attention. Dignified and beautiful. But his eyes were empty, lifeless. Even though he was home, even though he was out of the closet, he was still alone. The remaining resentment I had for what happened when we were kids faded away, replaced by an overwhelming need to show him he wasn’t alone anymore. Tyler’s hand gripped mine tightly. He’d seen it too. He felt the same way. Tyler walked to the SUV and opened the back passenger door. Once he’d folded the seat and pushed it out of his way, he took Jamie’s hand and led him into the third row seat next to him. I followed and shut the door before sitting at Jamie’s right side. His eyes were filled with apprehension, but as he looked back and forth between us, the look changed to something else: hope. I reached out first, pulling Jamie to me. His body stiffened until my lips met his. He gave in to the kiss, opening his mouth for me. As my tongue explored him, I reached out for Tyler,

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needing some reassurance that he was still there. Fingers entwined with mine, and another hand—Jamie’s—slid around my waist. Jamie kissed along my jaw until he reached my ear. “Remember what I said,” he whispered, his voice hoarse. Holding me close with one arm, Jamie reached for Tyler with the other, burying his outstretched fingers in Tyler’s dark hair and cupping the back of his head. Jamie softly kissed Tyler once, then twice, pulling back each time to search Tyler’s face. The third time their lips touched, they began to move together. I groaned as I watched Tyler part his lips and take Jamie’s tongue into his mouth. Had Tyler felt this way when he watched us? Had he felt the initial flames of jealousy turn into desire? Did he and Jamie feel how absolutely right we were together? God, I hoped so. No matter how selfish it was, I was quickly realizing I’d never be able to choose between them. Fingers brushed over my lips. “Where did you go?” Tyler, a worried look on his face, rested his forehead against mine. “Nowhere, baby. I’m right here.” Leaning over Jamie, Tyler and I kissed the way we had in the club. My dick hardened further at the thought that I could taste Jamie on his tongue. And then he was there, tilting our heads just enough to press his full lips to ours. It was ridiculous and messy and sexy and a million things I’d never felt before. I wanted them, both of them, any way they’d have me. Any way they’d let me have them. Pushing Jamie back against the seat, I pulled away. Jamie wrapped his arms around Tyler, and the two turned to me in a daze. Deep mocha and shining hazel eyes followed my every move as I reached for the top button on Jamie’s jeans. Jamie rubbed my shoulder as I made slow work of his button fly. “God, you’ve had me so hard all night.” He lifted his hips just enough to let me push his jeans and boxers down to his knees. His cock was like steel, and the beautiful purple head glistened. Tyler, his head resting on Jamie’s shoulder, licked his lips. “Can I touch you?” Tyler’s voice shook.

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Jamie didn’t answer. He took Tyler’s hand and wrapped the fingers around his shaft, groaning when Tyler began slowly stroking. “Jesus…fuck…that feels good.” Tyler smiled, increasing his speed and the twist of his wrist as his hand moved up and down. Always an attentive lover, he intently watched every expression and listened to every sound Jamie made. Jamie’s mouth was a soft red O, and his fingers dug into the leather seats. The more he moaned, the wider Tyler smiled. Tyler barely noticed when I undid his pants, shoving my hand inside to cup his heavy balls. He felt so good in my hand, and I held my breath as my fingers inched up to encircle him. His eyes went wide at the first long stroke. My own cock was aching, and I released it from my jeans with my free hand. Jamie sat, eyes closed and head hanging back, and I leaned down to whisper in his ear. “I need you, Jamie. I need you to make me come.” Lips quivering, he turned his head and kissed me as his hand wrapped around me. His fingers were rough and callused, his stroke stronger than I remembered. Even at his slow, deliberate pace, I wasn’t going to last. The SUV was filled with our moans and our pleas to go faster or grip tighter. Tyler’s head hung back and bobbled, gasps and cries falling from his lips. He was close. I pulled harder, and his body went rigid, his hand on Jamie’s cock still. “Oh God,” Jamie whispered. I loved watching Tyler when he came. His thin body stretched as he arched his back, and his mouth fell open in a loud cry. He exploded in my hand, and I stroked him faster until he finished, just like he liked. As Tyler came, Jamie began working my body feverishly. I released Tyler when he began to go soft in my hand, and he pulled me between them on the bench seat. I soon had two hands on me, stroking me in unison, two voices in my ears begging me to let go. When my head fell back, Jamie grabbed my chin and shook it. “Don’t you dare close your eyes, Sean. Look at us.”

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It was hard to focus, but when I did, I saw the two men I love, hands joined around my cock, working together to bring me more pleasure than I’d ever known. I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t want to know if this would be all we ever had together. But I could feel the tightening start. “Don’t fight it, baby,” Tyler whispered. “Let go.” As if on command, I came hard over their hands, thrusting up into their tight grip until I finished. “Oh fuck!” Jamie yelled. Barely able to move, I looked down to see Jamie’s free hand around his spasming cock, his release mixing with mine. As he came down, Tyler grabbed him and gave him a searing kiss. They collapsed at either side of me, and the three of us sat gasping for air in the stifling hot SUV. Tyler rested his head on my shoulder and kissed my neck. Jamie turned and stretched his arm around both our shoulders. “You don’t know how long I’ve waited to hear you say my name again,” Jamie whispered. “When you wouldn’t, it almost killed me.” I kissed his temple. “I’m sorry. I’ll never call you anything else.” I felt him nod. “I want Tyler to call you that too. Is that okay?” “It’s the name you gave me. I think it’s your decision.” I gently elbowed Tyler. “Say it, baby.” Tyler leaned over me and gave Jamie a gentle kiss. “Hello, Jamie.” We sat, exchanging brief touches and kisses, until the windows cleared.

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Chapter Nine Trying to rest after the absolute worst week of my life, I ran my fingers through Tyler’s hair. We’d been on the couch for hours, his head in my lap, barely speaking. Other than the hum of the fridge in the kitchen, Tyler’s purring was the only sound in my apartment. After the club, Jamie had decided to make the late drive back to Athens instead of crashing on my couch. He’d kissed each of us, saying it had been an incredible night, and driven off, leaving us standing on the curb and wondering what next. That was eight days ago. Tyler had stopped asking if I’d heard from Jamie after day three. We’d stopped having sex after day four. Much to the dismay of my mother, we’d skipped our regular dinner with my parents. When she asked why, I lied…badly. It was all her fault, after all. But on the eighth day, we were getting our groove back. Tyler had kissed me with reckless abandon when I answered the door, and we’d ended up on the kitchen floor, our pants around our knees, before the pizza man arrived. Now we were simply digesting our dinner and reenergizing before we went to bed. Tyler’s eyes were closed, and he turned his head, silently guiding my fingers to his temple. When I began to massage there, he sighed. “That feels so good. How will I ever repay you?” I widened the circles my fingers drew against his skin. “I can think of a thing or twelve you can do with your mouth.” He gave me a wicked grin. “Only twelve? Not very demanding tonight, are you?” “Oh, the night’s early. I figure I’ll let you rest before I really start pushing you around.” He rubbed the back of his head against my crotch. “You can push me around now. Maybe over the back of the couch for starters.” “You are an evil man.”

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Another rub. “But you love me anyway.” I cupped his check and leaned toward his mouth. “Yes, I do. Very much.” Just as our lips touched, the doorbell rang. “Jesus Christ!” Tyler yelled. “Who the hell is that? Don’t they realize someone’s trying to get laid in here?” Laughing, I pushed him off my lap. “Well, if they didn’t realize it before, they do now. As do the rest of my neighbors.” When I opened the door, a huge bouquet of roses was thrust into my face. I batted them away to find Jamie standing in front of me. He bit his lip. “Hi, Sean.” Before I could respond, Tyler pushed me to the side. “What the fuck do you want?” Tyler rarely used the f-word. He wasn’t just pissed. He was apoplectic. Not good. Not good at all. Jamie’s eyes blinked, but otherwise he was stoic. “I need to talk to Sean. And to you.” “Oh yeah?” Tyler crossed his arms over his chest and took root in front of door. “Then talk.” “Come on, you’re not seriously going to make me stand out here.” “Like hell I’m not!” Jamie lowered the roses and held up another huge bouquet, this one sky blue irises. “These seemed more your style.” Tyler straightened his back in a show of resolve, but his slight grin gave him away. “Fine,” he said, taking both bouquets from Jamie’s hands, “but don’t think we’re not still mad. We just don’t want the cops called for a public disturbance.” Jamie nodded and followed us into the apartment. “Thanks.” Tyler and I sat next to each other on the couch. Jamie pulled the ottoman over and sat facing us. Chewing his lip, he finally looked nervous. He cleared his throat several times before finally speaking.

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“I’m sorry I haven’t called you—either of you—since the night at the club. I just wanted to think about things.” He looked up at us, and his eyes darted back and forth. “About us.” “You’re sorry?” Tyler rolled his eyes. “Seems you say that a lot. Or did you ever really tell Sean you’re sorry about the last time you disappeared on him? Maybe you should start with that.” I took Tyler’s hand and, when he looked at me, shook my head. I didn’t want to discuss the past anymore. I didn’t really want to discuss the present all that much either. I wanted to go back in time fifteen minutes to Tyler’s head in my lap and a promise of a night together. Jamie took a deep breath. “You’re right, Tyler.” He looked directly at me. “Sean, I’m sorry for leaving you that night and not explaining where I was going. I’m sorry that it took twelve years to apologize.” He locked eyes with Tyler. “And I’m sorry to both of you for not sitting here and talking to you sooner.” “Thank you,” I whispered. Jamie smiled, his head bowed. “Just so you know, I’ve barely slept since the last time I saw you. You’re all I think about…both of you. I can’t close my eyes without imagining the two of you…kissing me…touching me. Hell, I can’t get my mind off you even when my eyes are open.” Tyler smiled. “Yeah, well, we’re hard to forget.” Jamie laughed. “Apparently.” He took my hand. “Sean, I love you. I have since we were kids.” He then took Tyler’s hand. “Tyler, I have feelings for you that I can’t begin to understand right now. But I do know that I want you both.” My eyes went wide. I’d known that night that I would always want them both. Now that Jamie was asking for the same thing, I was hesitant to hope that this could work, that we could work. We all had so much to lose, and I wasn’t sure I’d survive if we decided to be together and I lost either of them. After a few minutes of silence, Tyler looked down at his feet. “Jamie, if you are doing this just to be with Sean—” Jamie squeezed Tyler’s hand. “Look at me.” When Tyler didn’t respond, Jamie squeezed again. “Look at me, Tyler.”

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Tyler’s head rose slowly, and he looked wary. I moved closer, wrapping my arm around his back. His body was tense, and my touch did nothing to relax him. “Tyler,” Jamie whispered, “I don’t have the slightest fucking idea what I’m doing, but I do know that I want you. Don’t you ever think otherwise. It’s not how I imagined it when I came home, true. But I can’t imagine my life without both you and Sean. I need you to understand that.” Tyler nodded. “What do you want?” “This is going to sound stupid and old-fashioned, but I want to date. I mean all three of us going out, dating. And I think we need to hold off on sex until we’re all three comfortable with where this is headed. As much as I want to fall right into bed with you both, I want more than that.” “More?” My voice squeaked, and I turned bright red. “More.” Jamie brought our hands together and held both in his. “Everything. I want to share everything with you both.” I gaped at him. It was like he was proposing. I expected him to fall to one knee at any second, rings in hand. I’d never expected him to offer us so much, to make himself so vulnerable. I wasn’t sure he knew what he was asking. I definitely didn’t know where this would lead. “Yes.” The whisper was so quiet it was hard to be sure Tyler had even said the word. He was looking at his feet again, but I could see the pink stain of his cheeks. He had said it. Jamie bent down to look into Tyler’s face. “Yes?” “Yes,” Tyler repeated. I pulled Tyler close and kissed his temple. “Are you sure? I love you. I’m not going anywhere, no matter what you decide.” Tyler finally looked up, a shy smile on his face. “I can’t forget about that night either. I love you so much, and I know you love me. But I think Jamie’s right. There’s something here that we can’t ignore. We’ve tried all week, and we’re all miserable.” He brushed his fingers over

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my lips. “I don’t think you love me any less because you love Jamie and miss him. I missed him too.” I captured his fingers, kissing them. “You are an amazing man, Tyler Welsh.” I turned and pulled Jamie toward me. “So are you, Jamie Matthews.” I kissed Jamie softly. “I hope you both know what you’re getting into.” Tyler laughed. “Well, I think you and I are getting into Jamie’s pants.” I rolled my eyes. “Ah, and the romance ends.” Jamie kissed my hand and Tyler’s in turn. “I feel like one lucky son of a bitch right now.” “Yeah, lucky Tyler didn’t drop-kick your ass at the front door.” I motioned Jamie over to the couch, sinking against him when he sat between Tyler and me. Tyler’s blush grew deeper. “Just let that serve as a warning. Don’t mess with me, or I’ll take you out.” Jamie stood and ran a hand through his spiky hair. “Well, now that we have all that settled, I think I’ll get back to Athens.” Tyler grabbed Jamie’s hand and pulled him back down on the couch. “You’re not going anywhere. You’re spending the night here, just like I am.” He raised an eyebrow when Jamie took a breath to speak. “And just so you know, I understood the whole no-sex thing, and you will be perfectly safe sharing a bed with me and Sean.” “Perfectly safe?” Jamie sounded a bit disappointed. “Yes,” I said, nodding. “Perfectly.” It was already late, so we decided to go to bed before any one or all of us changed our minds. We all undressed, taking furtive glances at each other the entire time. By mutual agreement, we left our briefs on. Some were more blessedly tight than others. Jamie stayed in his tight T-shirt, complaining that I kept the apartment too cold. I slid between the cool sheets, and Tyler pushed Jamie in after me. After looking down at us and shaking his head, our third joined us. The queen-size bed was barely wide enough, but somehow we managed. I snuggled into Jamie’s side and smiled when I felt Tyler’s arm snake over Jamie and around my waist. Staring at the ceiling, I was pretty sure I wasn’t the only one who couldn’t sleep.

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“Guys?” Tyler whispered. “Yeah,” we replied, almost in unison. “I think we should define what exactly constitutes sex.” The bed shook when Jamie chuckled. “I didn’t realize I was in bed with Bill Clinton.” Tyler sat up. “Really, I think we should think about it. I know that a cock up the ass is sex, but what about oral? And how ’bout dry humping? Is that sex?” “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” I sat up too. “Exactly what is it you want, Tyler?” He considered his answer for a few seconds. “I’d settle for a kiss and a handjob.” Jamie pulled Tyler down and kissed him hard. “Then you better get those underwear off.” By the time we finally fell asleep, we were all drenched and sated. The room fell silent, and I listened to Jamie’s deep breathing and Tyler’s soft snoring. There were so many ways this could go wrong, but I didn’t care. Tangled in the sheets and my lovers’ limbs, all I wanted was the more Jamie promised. The more Tyler agreed to. The more that I could finally admit that I wanted…more than anything.

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Chapter Ten As the host escorted us to our table, I was sure he knew what perverted things his three guests did when they were alone. When the waiter filled our water glasses, I imagined that he tried to figure out whose tabs went into whose slots. By the time the sommelier came to the table, I was a nervous wreck. Jamie picked a very nice bottle of Australian Shiraz, and the sommelier complimented the choice before going to retrieve the bottle. Once the dance of wine tasting was complete and we had full glasses in hand, Jamie tilted his head and stared at me. “Why are you so uncomfortable? I’m pretty sure that no one realizes what this is.” Tyler took a slow gulp of wine. “He’s right. They probably think we’re a bunch of losers who can’t find dates.” “Speak for yourself.” Jamie smiled. “Relax, Sean. I’ve been dying to come to this place ever since I got back, and I want you to have a good time.” I sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m just a little out of my element right now. I usually don’t date more than one man at a time.” “I understand.” Jamie tapped my foot with his. “But it’s okay. Even if they did all know we’re together, I wouldn’t care. I just want to spend a nice evening with my two geeks.” Tyler raised his glass. “A toast to two geeks and their toy soldier.” I couldn’t keep the chuckle inside. They were nuts, and I was nuts for being with them. But I couldn’t think of anywhere I’d rather be. “What’s special about this restaurant?” I asked. Jamie relaxed and swirled the wine in his glass. “I watch a lot of those cooking competition shows, and my favorite contestant on one of them is the executive chef here. That’s why we had to get early reservations. Since he’s been on TV, it’s harder to get in during prime

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dining hours.” He took a sip of wine, holding it in his mouth briefly before swallowing. “I’m a bit of a foodie.” “Seriously? That’s great,” Tyler exclaimed. “Sean and I are both useless in the kitchen. If we can’t microwave it or order it, we’re not eating it.” I wasn’t convinced. “Whatever. You couldn’t even grill cheese when we were kids, Jamie. If I remember correctly, you had a little trouble constructing s’mores as well.” “Funny.” Jamie stuck his tongue out at me. “I’ll have you know that I took several cooking classes while I was in the army, and I can cook pretty well. I can’t wait to cook for you guys.” The idea of cooking for us excited Jamie, as did explaining the different dishes he’d ordered for us as they came to the table. He’d developed a passion for food, that much was obvious. I couldn’t wait to taste his creations. Maybe he would even feed us by hand. I shook the tempting thought away. Tyler plucked the meat from a lobster tail. “So, Jamie, if you enjoy cooking so much, why don’t you go to culinary school and cook full-time? It sounds like you’d like it.” “No, it’s just a hobby. I love what I do. Even on days when we lose someone, I wouldn’t do anything else.” Jamie went quiet for a second, his thoughts very far from Atlanta. “On the other hand, I guess there’s a lot to be said for doing work where no one dies.” Tyler took Jamie’s hand in his and squeezed. “Sorry, baby.” Jamie smiled. “I like how that sounds.” Returning to his meal, Jamie looked at Tyler thoughtfully. “Tell me more about yourself. I mean, I know you’re crazy about Sean and kiss like you’ll eat my face off, but I don’t know much about your family or where you’re from.” “Not much to tell. I grew up in Harlan, Kentucky, which is about as small as it sounds. Not the best place to grow up gay, I suppose. But I have an awesome family. My mom and dad were pretty shocked when I came out, but they adjusted. I lost my dad last year, so now I’m the man of the family. Whatever the hell that means. I have two sisters, and they’re great. The youngest might even send you a gay romance or two if you’re nice.” I sighed. “Yeah, that last one she sent me was…um…inspiring. I wonder if she can’t find me some threesome stories.”

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Tyler raised his eyebrow. “I don’t think we’ll mention that just yet. After all, this is only our first date. I don’t think I told her about you until we’d been together a couple of months.” “Yet?” Jamie stared at his plate. “Does that mean you will tell her eventually?” Tyler shrugged. “Sure. Why wouldn’t I?” “I just thought that, since you two are in the public relationship, you’d want it to stay that way. I wasn’t sure you’d want anyone to know…the rest.” “I hadn’t really given it any thought, but I don’t keep things from my family.” Tyler brushed his hand down Jamie’s arm. “If you’re going to be a part of my life, I want them to know about it. Just not before we’ve decided exactly what being a part of each other’s lives really means.” “I haven’t even thought about what to tell my parents. Have you, Sean?” I choked on the bite of food in my mouth. “Are you kidding me? When Mom encouraged me to give you a chance to be friends, I don’t think this is quite what she had in mind.” Tyler nodded. “Probably not.” “And my dad still wants to kick your ass.” “Shit,” Jamie whispered. “I forgot all about that. He looked like he could stab me repeatedly with his butter knife all through dinner. I don’t know how I’m ever going to fix that.” “I’ve got it.” Tyler waved his fork at Jamie. “You should cook for him. Isn’t the way to a man’s heart through his stomach?” Jamie winked at Tyler. “I thought it was through his cock.” I pointed threateningly at both men. “If you don’t stop talking about my dad and cock in the same conversation, I’m going to vomit.” They both laughed, and I pouted until dessert came. The waiter set the caramel cake in the center of the table and laid three forks next to it. When Tyler and I reached out to grab one, Jamie snatched them away. “Nope, I have plans for this cake, gentlemen, and they involve you two actually acting like you’re on a date.”

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I wasn’t sure what he meant until he lifted a forkful of moist cake and sweet frosting to my lips. “Taste, Sean. You’ll love it, I promise.” I closed my eyes and opened my mouth. When I felt the fork resting on my tongue, I closed my lips tight around it. Jamie pulled it out slowly, and both my dates groaned. The cake was delicious, and I licked my lips as I opened my eyes. Jamie swallowed hard before offering Tyler a forkful. “Your turn.” Watching Jamie feed Tyler was pure porn. Tyler’s lips wrapped around that fork didn’t look much different than when they wrapped around and pleasured me. I could tell that Jamie was imagining something very similar. His mouth was hanging open by the time Tyler swallowed. Jamie gasped. “Fuck.” “You have to have some too,” I cooed, pinching off a piece with my fingers. “You can’t believe how good it tastes.” His eyes were wide, but he still opened his mouth, taking my cake-covered fingers inside. His tongue circled slowly, licking around and between my fingers. He then sucked them clean. “So good. But I want another taste.” Tyler dug his finger into the dense cake, offering it to Jamie. Jamie closed his lips around the sweet digit, moving his mouth up and down its length. When he released it, Tyler practically growled. I was hard as a rock, and I reached under the table to adjust myself. “If that wasn’t considered sex, it should be.” Jamie’s hand disappeared under the table as well. “If you two don’t get me back to the car right now and let me taste that caramel on your tongues, I’m going to get us all banned from this place for life.” Tyler waved down the waiter, and minutes later, we were back in the third-row seat, enjoying our second dessert.

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When we made it back to my apartment, we were having a difficult time sticking to the nosex rule. The make-out session in the restaurant parking lot had made the tension worse instead of better, and I was about to lose my mind. Jamie and Tyler sneaking grabs of my crotch and my ass didn’t help. “Stop it!” I jumped from the couch to my feet. “I can’t take it. You both need to learn how to keep your damn hands to yourself.” Jamie looked suitably ashamed. “I’m sorry. I made the rule, and I shouldn’t be teasing you.” Tyler, on the other hand, was still trying to circumvent the rule. “Okay, we’ve established handjobs are allowed in moderation. Why can’t we have an isolated blowjob? I mean, it’s just semantics to say a handjob isn’t sex but a blowjob is.” I threw my hands in the air. “I hate you both.” Jamie glared at Tyler. “We promise to be good if you sit back down.” “I don’t promise any such thing.” Tyler scooted to Jamie’s side, closing the space I’d left behind on the couch. “I just want you both so much. I’m not sure how much longer I can go on like this.” “Just a little while longer,” Jamie whispered, kissing Tyler’s neck. “It’ll be worth it. I promise.” Humming softly, Tyler tilted his head back, baring more of his throat to Jamie. “It better be.” Tyler patted his lap. “Come, sit. I won’t tease you.” He looked about as trustworthy as a used-car salesman, but I didn’t want to be the only one not in someone’s arms. “Let’s just go to bed. We can discuss the definition of sex again tomorrow.” In the bedroom, we undressed each other until we were in our standard pajamas of underwear and, in Jamie’s case, a T-shirt. We lay together, the only light in the room from the streetlamps outside. I loved to look at them like this, their bodies wrapped around each other and around me. I’m sure we made an odd…whatever we were. Threesome sounded very base, while triad sounded very scientific. If we weren’t sure what to call ourselves, how would we ever explain to

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other people what we were? We couldn’t keep our relationship a secret forever. It was one thing to be three out-of-the-closet gay men. It was an entirely other thing to be three out-of-the-closet gay men who were together. “You shouldn’t worry so much,” whispered Jamie as he looked at me over Tyler’s shoulder. “I never could keep anything a secret from you.” He threw his arm over Tyler, who barely stirred in his sleep, and stroked my arm. “We’ll figure it out.” “I know.” If I was sure of anything, it was that the three of us would manage, somehow. I just wasn’t sure how those outside our little bubble would deal with something so foreign to most people. That they loved us, I didn’t doubt. What I doubted was their ability to understand. Jamie kissed Tyler’s shoulder and then leaned over to kiss my lips. “Try to get some sleep, baby. There’s all kinds of time tomorrow to worry.” I closed my eyes and finally drifted off to sleep.

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Chapter Eleven I hated Jamie’s schedule almost as much as I hated The Rule. He worked four twelve-hour days and was off four days. He usually crashed his first off day, leaving us the other days to spend together. The five-day gaps were killing Tyler and me. Even though Jamie said The Rule didn’t apply to my time alone with Tyler, having sex with each other when Jamie couldn’t be with us seemed wrong somehow. At least we had chat. Ty: yeah, I’m a cockslut from way back & sean’s jizz is like guzzling ambrosia I tell ya I spit my soda all over my monitor. SeanOTD: WTmotherF?! J30601: So you ARE paying attention :) SeanOTD: You both suck. Ty: not lately we don’t J30601: God not that again! You ever think about anything else? Ty: no. my blue balls have all my attention SeanOTD: So, just to confirm before you guys get me fired. Dinner @ Jamie’s tomorrow @ 7? Ty: yep, and i’m bringing the wine. white or red? J30601: Red, lots of it SeanOTD: And I’m bringing the surprise. Ty: porn? SeanOTD: Shut up.

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Ty: no porn? :( J30601: Jeez Tyler. Get a grip. SeanOTD: Later, guys. Ty: yeah, later bitches J30601: Can’t wait to kiss my geeks Ty: sap Ty: