What Teachers Need to Know About Personal Wellbeing

What teachers need to know about Personal wellbeing What teachers need to know about Personal wellbeing DEBRA FERG...

Author: Deb Ferguson

85 downloads 1336 Views 2MB Size Report

This content was uploaded by our users and we assume good faith they have the permission to share this book. If you own the copyright to this book and it is wrongfully on our website, we offer a simple DMCA procedure to remove your content from our site. Start by pressing the button below!
Report copyright / DMCA form

DOWNLOAD PDF

What teachers need to know about

Personal wellbeing


Personal wellbeing

DEBRA FERGUSON

ACER Press

First published 2008 by ACER Press, an imprint of Australian Council for Educational Research Ltd 19 Prospect Hill Road, Camberwell Victoria, 3124, Australia www.acerpress.com.au [email protected] Text © Debra Ferguson 2008 Design and typography © ACER Press 2008 This book is copyright. All rights reserved. Except under the conditions described in the Copyright Act 1968 of Australia and subsequent amendments, and any exceptions permitted under the current statutory licence scheme administered by Copyright Agency Limited (www.copyright.com.au), no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, transmitted, broadcast or communicated in any form or by any means, optical, digital, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher. Edited by Wendy Skilbeck Cover and text design by Mary Mason Typeset by Mary Mason Printed in Australia by Ligare National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication data: Author: Title:

Ferguson, Debra. What teachers need to know about personal wellbeing / Debra Ferguson. ISBN: 9780864319289 (pbk.) Series: What teachers need to know about Notes: Includes index. Bibliography. Subjects: Teachers—Job stress. Teachers—Mental health. Teaching—Psychological aspects. Stress management. Dewey Number: 371.10019

Contents

Preface

ix

1 Wellbeing and stress What is stress? Positive stress Negative stress Stress for educators Workplace stress needs to be taken seriously Our physical reaction to stress What is resilience? Taking personal responsibility for change Being true to your values Making the decision to create changes Failure only comes through not trying anything at all Having the power to change our habits Summary Further reading 2 Wellbeing through resilience Taking responsibility for your wellbeing Personal power Feeling in control Moving from your comfort zone into your courage zone Training your mind like you train your body – learning optimism The power of negative self-talk Creating a wellbeing structure to keep yourself safe The power of optimism Finding the balance between optimism and pessimism Reactions versus response

v

1 2 2 3 3 4 5 6 7 8 11 11 12 13 13 14 14 15 16 17 20 20 21 22 25 26

vi C O N T E N T S

Summary Further reading 3 Wellbeing through energy management Energy and time Important and urgent The question ‘Why?’ Interruptions Your needs versus everyone else’s Oxygen depleters are life depleters Procrastination is a time waster Rumination Finding an energy balance Summary Further reading 4 Wellbeing and communication The art of communication Your personal power The types of communication Being passive in life Using aggression to communicate Passive-aggressive behaviour Effective and healthy communication by being assertive Other important forms of healthy communication Communicating under stress Electronic communication Summary Further reading 5 Wellbeing and conflict The need for confl ict management The cost of confl ict Power and confl ict Blaming wastes energy Responding to confl ict Workplace bullying – a more serious form of confl ict

27 27 28 29 30 30 32 33 34 36 39 42 43 44 45 45 46 49 49 51 52 53 59 63 65 66 67 68 68 69 70 73 74 78

CONTENTS

Summary Further reading 6 Wellbeing and set ting goals Setting goals – why bother? Fear and change Regret and mistakes Living in your comfort zone versus courage zone It’s all about you Your challenge Summary Further reading 7 Wellbeing and balance The power of being proactive in your life and valuing your wellbeing The power to be guided by your values The power to be honest with yourself The power to learn the art of patience The power to live in the present The power to keep things simple The power to nourish yourself with good food, oxygen, exercise and rest The power to protect yourself from oxygen depleters The power to have more fun The power to be courageous in life Further reading

References Index

vii

79 80 81 82 83 84 85 87 89 90 91 92

93 94 94 95 96 96

97 101 101 102 103

105 107

Preface

Think of all the times at a celebration when we raise our glasses and toast to ‘health and happiness’; however, for many teachers, this sense is becoming more elusive. Teachers are now working longer hours than ever before and have greater expectations put on them by government, the community, schools, students and parents. No wonder for many, their health and happiness is diminishing. Although teachers may have joined the profession for genuinely altruistic reasons such as wanting to make a difference, investing in the new generation, to inspire and to be part of children evolving and growing, the reality is that additional expectations beyond classroom teaching have left many feeling disillusioned, overwhelmed and stressed. Teachers are renowned for putting their needs last and although this may be a natural response in the short term, the long-term consequences can be damaging to health and wellbeing. If you are feeling this way, this book is a step to help you evaluate what is happening in your work and life. It’s about making your life easier, more fulfi lled and productive. Life is too short to be unwell, unhappy or be negatively affected by other people’s behaviour or expectations. Everybody has both a responsibility for their own wellbeing and the personal power to make changes if they choose. Awareness is the key – of yourself and of others. The benefits of this are immeasurable – for yourself, your family and your work. Simply reading this book will provide you with some insight into wellbeing; however, to bring about real change it is suggested that you work through the challenges and decide what you need to practise. Because we are focusing on awareness and prevention of stressors, we know we can do something about them through strengthening our resilience. Deciding how much energy we are prepared to give each situation gives us a sense of control that can be reinforced by healthy communication. Wellbeing ix

x

PREFACE

is then reinforced through the big picture of achieving our goals and life balance. But mainly it’s about deciding that your wellbeing is the most important thing you have and by choosing to invest in it. This will be one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. No one is going to do it for you, so learn to tap into your personal power, be proactive and begin to live a healthier and happier life. Everyone will thank you for it, most especially yourself. This book has come about from the practical experience of years in the workforce: of being a classroom teacher, business leader and now a trainer of teachers. Hundreds of people who have shared their frustrations and successes have helped make this book happen and I have been supported by people very close to me: you know who you are — thank you. This book is for information and support. It is not intended as professional advice. DEBRA FERGUSON

RESOURCES

www.acer.edu.au/need2know

Readers may access the online resources mentioned throughout this book through direct links at www.acer.edu.au/need2know

o n e

Wellbeing and stress

Let’s face it, life can be a juggling act and particularly as an educator. Every day you are faced with a myriad of different situations to deal with involving decisions, interruptions and people’s needs and demands. Just think of the number of people you deal with in your school on a daily basis. It could number in the hundreds, whether it’s leaders, colleagues, students and their parents. And that is in addition to doing your job in the classroom! Then there are reports, meetings, extras, yard duty, parent interviews, extracurricular duties, let alone the class preparation and marking. And that’s just the education aspect. Schools now need you to be a social worker, administrator and mediator as well. Getting to and from work creates another whole set of challenges, whether commuting to work with incidents of road rage or queues in the supermarkets on the way home. Then there are the relationships and demands you have with your partner, children, family and friends. When the holidays arrive, teachers will often fall in a heap with either illness or exhaustion, only to face the same old thing in the next term, in what feels like a blink of the eye. It’s no wonder teachers are feeling pressured. This rollercoaster can become a cycle of feeling frustrated, fatigued and overwhelmed, and sometimes becoming ill. Your wellbeing is the most important thing you have. Your physical, emotional and psychological health gives you the zest for life and ability to treat people in a just and respectful manner. These attributes can be diminished by the pressures of work and life in general, but these effects are often invisible to other people. They cannot see your headaches, back pain or know of your insomnia. When someone injures themselves in a car accident and has damaged their body, with maybe a broken leg or cuts and bruises, these are physical examples of the injury. However, the injuries through stress are not as obvious, and for that reason many of us don’t deal with stress as we should. We think that it ‘will pass’ or ‘it is 1

2 PERSONAL WELLBEING

just the way things are’, so we don’t put as much importance on it as we should. Understanding that the effects of stress can be just as injurious to our wellbeing as a physical injury gives us a good starting point to begin dealing with it.

What is stress? We hear about stress all the time. It’s on the news, in the newspapers, people talk about it and often when we ask someone how they are, their answer is, ‘Oh, I’m just so stressed!’ We witness it manifesting in people and ourselves in many different ways. Some people get irritable and lose their sense of humour, some withdraw or become obnoxious, others feel fatigued and overwhelmed. Stress is the body’s response to what is happening in our lives and can take many forms. Some stressful situations in our lives are sudden and difficult, others life changing, but most are just part of our everyday life. With everyday stress, we deal with it along the way and it doesn’t necessarily negatively affect our wellbeing. But it is when the demands of our days exceed our ability to cope that we find ourselves out of balance. 1 Stress reduces our capacity to be productive in all aspects of our lives. 2 It can negatively affect all of our relationships and it can also make us very sick.

3 Unmanaged stress can cause depression, which has been described as the common cold of mental illness.

That’s why we need to take this seriously; to realise that if the pressures of our lives are greater than our capacity to cope, then we need to take responsibility to make the changes in our lives to protect our wellbeing.

Positive stress Stress can be positive. It is known that work can be health promoting. Jobs that have both high demand and high job control are stimulating and challenging, and are sometimes linked to positive health and wellbeing (VicHealth, 2006). Stress can motivate us to accomplish challenges and leaves us with a sense of fulfi lment and achievement. This has a positive

WELLBEING AND STRESS

3

effect on our wellbeing. Positive stress brings about creative solutions, is productive and leads us to changes that only enhance our lives.

Negative stress However, negative stress is the type that damages us as people, that diminishes our joy for life and ability to cope. In the latest study by VicHealth, they have determined the best indicator for workplace stress is called job strain. This is a specific measure of workplace stress and is the combination of low job control with high job demands. It has been shown to have a strong relationship with cardiovascular disease, depression, anxiety and other health problems (VicHealth, 2006). Negative stress in our lives can have a debilitating effect on how we live, enjoy life’s pleasures and our sense of vitality. That is why dealing with it is critical to creating and living a life that nurtures and nourishes you as a person. Understanding that you are the foundation of everything that happens in your life, in both a personal and professional sense, is a great motivator for investing in yourself. To be the best possible teacher, partner, parent and friend, you need to think about yourself. You need to invest in yourself and learn the skills to pressure-proof yourself from the inevitable stressors that you will face. You need to strengthen your resilience to the ups and downs of life.

Stress for educators We all know that educators feel stress at many times in the year. There are times when the stressors are greater, such as report writing time. What is important is to recognise it as a potential hazard to your wellbeing. Workplace stress for educators is a major problem. WorkSafe Victoria in their 2007 publication Stresswise–Preventing work-related stress found that educators reported stress three times more compared to the Australian adult working population (WorkSafe, 2007). WorkSafe uses the World Health Organization’s defi nition for stress: it is defined as ‘the reaction people may have when presented with work demands and pressures that are not matched to their knowledge and abilities and which challenge their ability to cope’. The World Health Organization also advises that ‘stress occurs in a wide range of work circumstances but is often made worse when


employees feel … they have little control over work or how they can cope with its demands and pressures’ (WorkSafe, 2007). So, if all you had to do as a teacher was teach, then maybe your stress levels would be manageable. However, all the additional demands put on teachers for which they may not have been trained – being an administrator, a leader, social worker, parent liaison, mediator and so on – is often where the sense of being overwhelmed begins.

Workplace stress needs to be taken seriously The outcomes to negative workplace stress can manifest physically, psychologically and behaviourally. Physical Health Precursors

Possible harmful outcomes

◗ Migraines

Musculoskeletal disorders

◗ Sleep disorders

Cardiovascular disease

◗ Muscular tension

Diabetes

◗ Weight disorders

Autoimmune disease

◗ Gastrointestinal disorders ◗ Increased blood pressure ◗ Allergies ◗ Increased cholesterol rate ◗ Dermatological disorders Psychological Precursors


◗ Depression

Post traumatic stress disorder

◗ Discouragement

Suicide

◗ Boredom

Clinical depression

◗ Anxiety

Clinical anxiety

◗ Memory loss

Bipolar disorder

◗ Difficulty concentrating ◗ Dissatisfaction ◗ Frustration ◗ Irritability ◗ Pessimism


Behavioural Precursors


◗ Absenteeism

Drug/alcohol dependency

◗ Drug/alcohol use

Excessive use of medicines

◗ Excessive use of medicines

Breakdown of relationships

5

◗ Sexual disorders ◗ Impatience ◗ Irritability ◗ Aggressiveness ◗ Eating disorders ◗ Diminished creativity and initiative ◗ Problems with interpersonal relationships ◗ Frequent mood swings ◗ Disinterest ◗ Isolation Source: WorkSafe Victoria (2007). Stresswise—Preventing work-related stress: A guide for employers in the public sector. Melbourne: Victorian WorkCover Authority. p. 21.

Our physical reaction to stress Think of a situation at school that may cause you negative stress. It may be, for example, an ambush by an angry parent who comes in unannounced to your class and in front of your students hurls abuse at you. Your body reacts, first feeling alarm. You know the feelings – your adrenalin is pumping, your heart is palpitating and maybe you begin to break out into a sweat. Your blood pressure may rise and you will get a sense of anxiety and increased body temperature. Your instinct tells you that something is wrong. It can be exhausting as the heart pumps adrenalin into the fight or fl ight response. This adrenalin works by diverting resources from the ‘maintenance’ part of our body: the liver, kidneys and other organs. Cortisol, a natural hormone, pumps through your body and bang, up goes your metabolism. Your heart races and your muscles are wired. These are short-term effects and will subside depending on your level of resilience. However, when this physical reaction to stress is sustained throughout your day, then it is your body’s way of alerting you to danger and in the long term it can seriously and negatively affect your health.


In the next stage, your body will go into resistance where it returns to normal but you are still on alert asking itself ‘what else can go wrong?’ After the resistance stage, and if your response to the stress in your day is not effectively dealt with, your body moves towards exhaustion. A postadrenalin rush can be exhausting and you no longer are able to resist the stressor. That’s when the negative stress can manifest psychologically, emotionally and physically and do you damage. At different times we will all move in and out of some of these symptoms. Each one of us is different, but if you feel that one or more of these signs are persistent, then it is your body and mind’s way of telling you that you need to do something about it. One of the main strategies you can use is to build your resilience to these pressures.

What is resilience? Resilience is a life skill and we all have it in some form. It is defined as the buoyancy and power of recovery for life’s ups and downs. Anne Deveson in her book Resilience uses the definition from Moira Rayner and Meg Montagne in their review of international literature to identify resilience ‘as the presence, at any given moment of emotional maturity or “emotional intelligence”, characterised by self-esteem and self-confidence; the capacity to create and maintain friendships with peers ...; a well-founded sense of trust; a sense of purpose; a set of values and beliefs that guide responses to the world; and a feeling of having some kind of “internal locus of control’” (p. 63). Resilience is a form of emotional maturity that enables us to gain personal wisdom by integrating the use of both our hearts and our brains in life. It’s a lot more than simply ‘bouncing back’ or learning to ‘bungee jump’ through life because we all know that for some serious life challenges, we can’t simply ‘bounce back’. Some events in life aren’t resolved by a quick fi x and when they are serious, and for us to heal, it can take a lot of time and energy. It doesn’t just happen. However, by developing the skills of resilience it means that we have the reservoirs of strategies and knowledge to work through these times. We have the emotional maturity to hold us in good stead, to know that we can continue in the face of adversity and difficult times, and to learn from and gain strength for whatever will be our next chapter in life. (See Chapter 2 for more information on resilience.)


7

WELLBEING TIP ◗ Nothing changes if nothing changes, so you must take the time to identify the repeating stressors in your life so you can begin to deal with them. ◗ Choose to invest in yourself and feel the power of this choice. ◗ Resilience and emotional maturity come from learning the skills to choose to respond to what happens in your life, rather than simply reacting out of habit.

Taking personal responsibility for change A starting point is to focus on ourselves and what is happening in our life. As an educator, we are skilled at telling students what to do, to learn the skill of persistence and not give up when they are trying to learn something. Yet, when it comes to ourselves, very often we feel powerless to take charge of a personal situation. Change is difficult for most people, and the fear of change can be overwhelming. Why do we avoid, procrastinate, get distracted or lack the confidence to make a decision? What are we fearful of? These are all natural human reactions, but being aware of what is blocking you and making the decision to change your situation is the first, powerful step. Many of us are really good at making excuses and have probably had a lifetime of practice in doing so. It’s easy to slip into blaming everyone and everything: why work is frustrating, why you feel unhappy, why you have put on weight, why you haven’t started exercising, why you don’t spend enough time with the people you love, and so on through all the aspects of your life. But if what you are doing is not working for you, then you need to change some aspect – and you are the person responsible for this. There comes a time when we say, ‘enough is enough’. Life is too short not to live the life that we have imagined. It is too short to constantly feel overwhelmed, dissatisfied and frustrated, to count down the days to the next holiday and to feel like you are on a treadmill. If you want to make some changes, then take time to step off, to give yourself space to think about what is important to you. Invest in yourself and look at what is working, what isn’t and what changes you may have to make. It’s not about changing the world in one week. It’s about being aware of your attitudes, values, pressures, people in your life, habits and reactions to what happens to you.


WELLBEING TIP Managing stress is more about building your resilience and making small shifts in the way you move through your day. These small changes can have a profoundly positive effect on your long-term wellbeing.

Being true to your values Your values underpin who you are and help you defi ne your sense of purpose. They are your foundation. They are what you revert to when in doubt, when challenged or when you are feeling low. It’s important to recognise your values and to trust your instincts because they are generally right. Then make the choices in everything you do to support, not erode, your values. Values are not negotiable, so don’t let other people sweep you up with their values so that your foundation is eroded. Holding true to your values can be difficult in challenging times, but they are the most important investment in your wellbeing. Know that you have the power to determine who you are, so when times are tough, go back to your foundation – your values.

A CHALLENGE Find out what you really value. Rather than list them, it’s often easier to think of the things that annoy you about other people. This will then give you a guide to what is important to you. Take five minutes to write them down: ◗ When a colleague says they will follow up on an issue and does not. Value: Honesty ◗ When a colleague is consistently late for a meeting. Value: Respect ◗ When a friend quibbles over the share of the cost of a meal. Value: Generosity ◗ When you tell a friend something in confidence and they tell another person. Value: Trust And so on …


9

Values are the important things in our lives that nourish us. Very often educators have their days consumed by the urgent business of each day, and sometimes don’t take the time to reflect. When you race from class to yard duty to a meeting and back to class you are often thinking about everyone else, their demands and needs. This can mean that you are putting your needs last and you are not valuing your foundation and your wellbeing. It’s not selfish to focus on your needs. It’s smart because appreciating what is important to you and what nurtures you is a fi rst step to emotional maturity and resilience. Everything you do and think will then resonate in your relationships, both at home and at work. The key is to focus on what is important to you rather than what is urgent. ◗ Important aspects of our lives nourish us as people. ◗ Urgent aspects are what fill most of our time and take most of our energy.

WELLBEING TIP You are the foundation of everything that happens around you. You have the choice to make yourself strong, flexible and enduring.

A CHALLENGE It’s easy to look at the negatives in your life, but when we use perspective there are usually lots of positives also. Spend some time to reflect on what you do well. Take ten minutes to write the answers down:

1

In what ways am I successful? • Relationships: family, friends, students, colleagues • Work • Health and fitness, and so on …

2 What strengths do I display? • Confidence • Perseverance >

10 P E R S O N A L W E L L B E I N G

• Resilience • Humour • Honesty • Flexibility • Courage and so on …

3 What is important in my life and what/who energises and nourishes me? • Family: name them • Friends: name them • Teaching: what aspect • Travel • Honesty • Health and fitness, and so on … Then take the time to identify the potential stressors in your life, which may negatively impact on your wellbeing.

4 What are the urgent things that fill most of my time and can potentially cause me unwanted stress? • Being at other people’s beck and call • Phone calls • Emails • Student demands • Colleague demands • Extra duties that I have to cram into my day, and so on …

Once you are aware of your values and the important things in your life, make them a priority. It doesn’t mean that other things won’t get done, but it is a great equaliser for when the urgent feels overwhelming. When you decide what is important, switch your energy to these so that it is nourishing for you as a person. The urgent won’t be that important any more. Things will get done by understanding that balancing things is part of life and you will give each the appropriate amount of energy. The important things are the ones you need to learn to value more so that they are the motivators through your days and will nourish you. Promoting your wellbeing is about shifting the way you think about your life and how you react to what happens.


11

Making the decision to create changes Change is really hard for most people. We have been conditioned by our family, friends, life experiences, school, media and work to be the people we are today. But if what is happening to you right now is not working, then change is the only option. Changing how you respond to the pressures in your life will mean: ◗ a significant boost for your resilience, and ◗ an important step for reducing unwanted stress in your life.

Starting something new can be daunting at fi rst but not impossible. Think about a young child who is learning to walk. They fall onto their face, have a cry, get back up and try again, fall again, and cry while making the first staggering steps. Despite the falls they persevere, training their muscles and their minds to do this really difficult task. They don’t give up. It’s not in their mindset. The only reason we give up as adults is that we are afraid of failure. A child doesn’t know failure. They have to learn it – from us! Fear sets the boundaries for what we feel is possible. Don’t let it: feel the fear and move through it. Anything is possible if we want it enough.

Failure only comes through not trying anything at all Unfortunately, when we try new things, there is the chance that we may not succeed. Any failure we have to endure is hard to deal with. It’s like a punch in the stomach; it causes us pain and can make us feel helpless. But the question to ask is: how long are we going to feel that way? It’s not going to be forever. That is the essence of a resilient attitude – bad times are just that, a time and we can move through it, learning along the way. Although hurt, scared or disappointed, we make the choice to get up and get on with it. Think about the people you know who are successful in life. They may be sportspeople who break records and are at the pinnacle of their careers. Have they always been there? I don’t think so. They have had to work really hard to set their goal to be in the Olympics, and then work even harder to achieve it. At the track, we see the end result, the record-winning race with the celebration and accolades. However, we haven’t been privy


to their pain, anguish, tears, failures and the bad days when they thought they couldn’t do it. They imagined where they wanted to be and slowly worked towards it. And it is all of the challenges along the way that make the victory even sweeter for them – and for us.

Having the power to change our habits Very often we respond to the people and situations in our lives out of habit. The same applies for the stressors that we experience. We all have habits: some are good and nourish us as people and then there are bad habits, which can deplete us. Being aware of what you already do, what you could do better and changing the way you do some things is an important step in min imising your stress and maximising your wellbeing. Replacing old habits with new ones that support you is a significant step in taking control. Stephen Covey, in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, describes the three main components to making effective habits: 1 Knowledge – what to do and why. 2 Skill – how to do it. 3 Desire – that you want to do it. (Covey, 2001, p. 48)

WELLBEING TIP Habits can be changed and new ones learnt. Look at what you are doing and decide if it is nourishing or depleting you. If it is depleting you, then you need to make some changes. If you don’t take responsibility for yourself, then no one else will. What have you got to lose except some old habits that aren’t benefiting you anyway? Start now. Start small, but start. Life is too short.


13

Summary ◗ Stress in some form is part of everyday life. ◗ Positive stress can stimulate and promote wellbeing. ◗ Negative stress diminishes your joy for life and ability to cope. ◗ Stress manifests itself in your mind, emotions and body and can make you sick. ◗ Resilience skills build your capacity to cope with life’s ups and downs. ◗ Your values underpin who you are and help nourish your sense of purpose. ◗ Bad habits can be changed and replaced by ones that nurture you. ◗ You can choose to invest in yourself for long-term gains in your wellbeing.

FURTHER READING For more information regarding stress in the education sector, follow the links: ◗ WorkSafe Victoria (2007). Stresswise—Preventing work-related stress: A guide for employers in the public sector. Melbourne: Victorian WorkCover Authority. Go to: http://www.worksafe.vic.gov.au/wps/wcm/resources/file/eb9473007 81530c/stresswise.pdf. ◗ Covey, S. (2001). The 7 habits of highly effective people, New York: Simon & Schuster. For a brief summary of the chapters go to: http://www.quickmba.com/mgmt/7hab/.

t wo

Wellbeing through resilience

We know that stress is part of life and it will be part of our experience whether we like it or not. When we let unmanaged stress manifest in us — physically, psychologically and emotionally – it is like a pressure cooker that is building up steam. The more we allow it to control how we feel in everything we do, the more pressure we will feel. Our choices are to let the stress overwhelm us and deplete our wellbeing and relationships or we can choose to develop our skills to cope and move on to building a happier, healthier and more productive life. Resiliency skills can be developed to manage stress and the more reserves we have, the better the buffer for when times are tough.

Taking responsibility for your wellbeing ‘Enough is enough! I don’t want to keep feeling this way …’ As humans we are simple creatures, motivated by either pleasure or pain. Life at any one time can be a blend of the two, but whatever is the overriding sense will determine your wellbeing. So, what is your balance? Are you feeling more negative stress (pain) than pleasure in your life? You do have choices in which you can: ◗ ignore the situation and everything will stay the same ◗ look at your strengths physically, emotionally and mentally, recognise them and activate them in times of need ◗ build your resiliency buffer zone, so when times are tough you can tap into your life experience and skills so the impact of negative stressors on your life are lessened ◗ choose your attitude and train your mind like you train your body. 14

WELLBEING THROUGH RESILIENCE

15

WELLBEING TIP Nothing changes if nothing changes. Your physical, emotional and psychological wellbeing is your responsibility.

Personal power Each one of us has personal power and its strength can be related to our level of mental health. It is what drives us, energises us and helps us feel passion and a sense of control in our lives. Power is gained from our values, principles and self-esteem. When we feel strong and determined, we feel powerful. Our personal power helps us to focus on our purpose and gives us initiative and creativity. All relationships are based on power. In a nurturing relationship, power is used in a just and equal manner. We give and take and it is a natural flow that is respectful to each person. However, power can also be misused. When relationships are difficult and we are challenged by other people depleting our wellbeing, then it usually means that the power is unequal. In extreme situations such as bullying, then the primary factor is power misuse and abuse. (See more on power misuse in Chapter 5.) However, there are times when our power can be depleted by either our own attitudes or behaviours or those of others. We lose personal power when we feel undermined and our confidence and self-esteem are diminished. This can make us feel weakened, vulnerable and sometimes depressed. Finding and building our personal power and feeling the life force it provides is a major contributor to building our resilience and a great booster for our wellbeing. Personal power can be divided into four main areas and from this we can get a sense of control back into our lives: ◗ Self-awareness: where you have the power and skill to analyse your thoughts and actions ◗ Conscience: knowing what is right and wrong, based on your values ◗ Imagination: creating new possibilities ◗ Willpower: having the power of choice to make the decisions in your life (Covey, 1998, p. 66).


Developing these four types of power is the essence of building your resilience.

Feeling in control Under pressure, we can often have the sense of being ‘out of control’. This is usually a good indicator that you are feeling stressed, vulnerable and overwhelmed by what is happening. Bringing your life under control is possible by recognising what you can control and letting go of the rest. You can control your attitudes, your choices and responses, your mental strength and physical fitness. You can’t control other people. However, educators are renowned for wanting to be in control and learning that there are some things that we just can’t control can be confronting. It can also be liberating to learn that it is pointless wasting your precious energy on things that are impossible to change. Some people expend a lot of precious energy worrying what people think of them and what others say about them. Worrying about the past and mistakes you may have made, and wishing things were different, are all certain ways of depleting your power by losing energy for the important things in your life.

WELLBEING TIP With a sense of self-awareness, one of the main things you can control in your life is how you respond to what happens to you. Being in control of your behaviour, emotions and responses is a major contributor to your wellbeing. Use your energy and power to control what you can – and let go of the rest. You cannot control other people, so don’t waste your energy.

REMEMBER You have the power to determine how you feel and make changes in your life to promote your wellbeing and minimise the stressors that deplete you.


17

Moving from your comfort zone into your courage zone Living in our comfort zone where it is predictable and safe is easy. It’s our subconscious way of resisting change. Our comfort zone is the habit of our choices, responses and attitudes. We all know the feeling of being with people we know, eating the same foods and doing the same things each day. It is the predictability that keeps us safe. If this is working for you and your relationships fulfi l and nourish you, then that is wonderful. However, for many of us this is not the case and some fine-tuning needs to occur. We do have the power to make this happen. To make changes in our lives we need to move out of our comfort zone. This involves an understanding that what we are doing right now isn’t working as we want.

REMEMBER Nothing changes if nothing changes.

The fear of the unknown can be very daunting: however, for a resilient and powerful person, the unknown can be energising. Change requires risk and a decision to move out of your comfort zone. It will disrupt the norm because there has been a shift in what you have been doing, thinking or how you have been responding. Change promotes difference and can be positive because life is about the evolution of ideas, of friends, of work and of challenges. That’s what helps you grow, develop and learn. Change can be exciting. To make positive changes in your life requires courage. It is about moving from your comfort zone into your courage zone and recognising the benefits of the changes you want to make. It will help you feel more powerful, in control and centred. So, to get to the stage of making changes in your life to promote your wellbeing, you need first to look at what is happening right now. ◗ Are there factors in your life that are depleting you as a person, that are eroding your wellbeing and making you feel anxious, pressured or overwhelmed?


◗ Is your norm disrupted by a person’s behaviour, a situation or by one of your bad habits?

You do have the power to control how you respond, but first you have to know what the issues are. Knowing what you have to deal with is the first step to minimising the impact of negative stressors and building your resilience to them.

A CHALLENGE Identifying the risks to your wellbeing Here’s a working example:

1 Identify the risk: the length and frequency of rambling meetings. 2 Assess the risk: it leaves you feeling frustrated, depleted and angry, which impacts on your wellbeing in the form of headaches, back pain and opening the second bottle of wine that evening.

3 Control the risks: Let the leadership and team know of your concerns. This may not be easy to do; however, asserting your needs is a powerful way of investing in your wellbeing. Ask them what they consider reasonable and how the communication process can be improved. Creating a professional structure to meetings, with a specific agenda and a strict timeline, will greatly improve efficiency, energy and people’s attitudes to the task.

4 Review how it’s going: Have the changes worked? Are people sticking to the guidelines? If you are feeling frustrated by the inefficient use of time, then it is very probable that other people are too. It is important to assert yourself and let your frustrations and concerns be known. With this simple risk management structure, take the time to do an audit of your current situation. Write it down.

1

Identify your stress risks and the potential hazards to your wellbeing. When you are aware of your stressors, this is the first step to making the changes you need to lead a more productive life. Deal with one at a time.


19

• What are your stressors? Is it a particular time of year, maybe report writing, or is it the way a person speaks rudely to you? Maybe it’s the lack of consultation in your school.

2 Assess the risks to your wellbeing – what is really happening to you? • How do these situations make you feel? Frustrated, angry, depleted, powerless? • What happens to your body and your mind because of this situation? • Do you lose sleep, worry, become negative, judge, get headaches and back pain, or maybe drink more alcohol than you would like?

3 Control the risks to your wellbeing – remember, you have the power to control how you respond to what happens to you, but you cannot control what other people say or do. • What can you do to minimise the impact this situation has on your life? • What skills and strategies can you implement to maximise your wellbeing?

4 Review and evaluate how you are going, daily, weekly or monthly, depending on the situation. • Take the time to do this. Invest in the changes you have made. • Awareness and recognition of your progress is really important, so keep tabs on how you are going. If what you are doing isn’t working, then maybe you will have to change your approach. Keep trying until it works. (In further chapters, skills and strategies will be suggested to help this process.)

WELLBEING TIP By making a definite decision to be aware of the risks to your wellbeing, you can then begin to build the skills to help minimise the effects of stressful situations. You are more in control and on the road to building a powerful life. Your wellbeing will be the winner!

Developing the skills of resilience is a great way of building a structure for your wellbeing. It’s like a buffer zone against the inevitable daily stressors. These skills include:


◗ Training your mind like you train your body ◗ Learning the skills of optimism ◗ Choosing how you respond to what happens to you.

Being aware of the potential stressors in your life, you can choose to learn some skills and strategies to deal with them. Developing your resiliency skills is an important investment for your long-term wellbeing.

Training your mind like you train your body – learning optimism Our brain has the power to promote both positive and negative thoughts. What we say to ourselves and how we see ourselves is a strong determinant in our level of wellbeing and resilience. Unfortunately for most of us, habits from the past take control, resulting in our brains usually putting ourselves down rather than supporting us. We may say to ourselves, ‘I am hopeless’, ‘I’m fat’, ‘I can’t cope’ and so on until we reach the stage where these thoughts can permeate our whole life if we let them. Let’s face it, there are enough people in the world to deplete us if we let them, so why do we put extra pressure on ourselves and do it to ourselves as well? Every time we react to a situation we are subconsciously bringing all ‘the stuff ’ of our past into that thought or reaction. All our successes, failures, family, friends, mistakes and disappointments get swept up into the mix of who we are today and how we respond to what happens to us. And when we believe our thoughts, our self-image is created, determining our level of confidence and self-esteem. This is a very powerful force.

WELLBEING TIP How you think will determine how you feel.

The power of negative self-talk If someone said you were useless, hopeless and a loser, would you believe them? It’s probable that you’d use all your power to fight back and denounce everything they said about you and stick up for your successes and qualities.


21

Yet when your mind tells you a similar thing you very often believe it, get seduced by the negativity and let it consume your being. This is a habit that depletes your wellbeing, but it can be controlled. Your thoughts can be changed so that they embellish your wellbeing, not deplete it. But it’s very easy to sink into negativity. By doing this you are relinquishing your power and allowing your pessimism to overcome you. Negativity can manifest both physically and mentally. Our bodies are good indicators of our thought processes. Common symptoms of lack of control of our thoughts can possibly manifest in back pain, headaches, loss of appetite or insomnia. They are all physical manifestations of what is happening inside our brains. Because the immune system is connected to the brain through hormones, thought processes can directly affect a person’s wellness. When people are persistently negative they develop more illness than those who are optimistic. It has been proven that pessimists are more susceptible to infectious diseases and visit the doctor more often (Seligman, 1992, p. 175). Although you don’t have to be optimistic all the time, knowing you have the power to switch from a negative to a positive thought is energising and helps avoid a downward spiral. You have the power to do this.

Creating a wellbeing structure to keep yourself safe It is easy in a busy school day to be swept along with the blur of everything you need to do. But they are simply the urgent things in life and, yes, they do need to get done; however, not at the expense of what is important. Your wellbeing is the most important aspect and you need to value it as such. When something happens that causes you negative stress, you can choose to manage it. The fi rst thing to do is to take the time to reflect. Simply stop and ask yourself: ‘What is happening to me and why am I feeling this way?’ Listen to the signals in your body and mind. Are you starting to feel anxious, annoyed or frustrated? Take a moment to press pause and consider your response by trying to understand why this situation is affecting you this way. It may only take a minute. Each day has 1440 minutes. If you value your wellbeing, then surely you can allow five or ten minutes each day to reflect. When you have understood what is happening, then you can choose what your response will be.


In more extreme situations some people also have a sense of helplessness in life. They give up and let other people’s agendas and needs determine how they feel and what they do. Being a quitter and blaming other people can become such a bad habit that to find the effort and energy to pursue their own life is beyond them. They believe that anything they do doesn’t matter, so they simply give up. This type of person will always live in someone else’s shadow and feel powerless. This is a perfect recipe to increase stress, to deplete wellbeing and drain resilience.

WELLBEING TIP A major factor in contributing to your resilience and wellbeing is to tap into the power of your mind. Your brain is the potent force in how you think, what you do and how you respond. You can train your mind like you train your body.

The power of optimism One of the main strategies in promoting wellbeing is to develop your skills of optimism. Martin Seligman is the foremost leader in this field and wrote a definitive exploration of optimism: Learned Optimism (1992). One of his key theories is that an individual’s sense of personal control can determine their fate. We know that you have the power to train your mind like your body, so the first step is to determine what you are thinking at any given time. When faced with a stressful situation ask yourself three questions: 1 Is it permanent? 2 Is it pervasive? 3 Is it personalised?

Think of your responses to the following situation. What would you feel and do?

It is a busy time of year, you have reports to write, parent–teacher interviews to prepare and classes to teach. You only have one hour free on


23

this particular day to try and fit things in. As you check the timetable in the morning on the way to class, you see that you’ve been given an extra for the one period you had free. You feel really angry, put upon and undervalued. ‘Why me?’ you loudly declare in the staffroom as you storm out. Okay, let’s face it, in schools, extras are part of life. Everyone gets one at some stage, but you can’t see that at this moment. All you can think about is what you need to get done today and the lack of time to do it. Your thoughts churn through your head, and you start to get really annoyed, thinking you have been picked on during a day when you can least afford the time.

Gaining perspective in a stressful situation is very important and a practical brake on a downward spiral of negativity. This is when you need to tap into your personal power and press pause to understand why you are reacting in this way. Ask yourself the following questions:

1 Is this a permanent state of affairs? ◗ Instinctively, you could react to the extra work and say to yourself: ‘this always happens to me’. If you believe that this will always happen to you, then you will succumb to the negativity and find it hard to get out of the thinking rut. It will negatively impact on your existing classes and how you manage your whole day. ◗ Alternatively, you could breathe deeply, pause and say to yourself, ‘This is really annoying now but I know I have to do it and I can still get my work done tomorrow’. This is where we can gain perspective with regard to the inevitable pressures of a school environment. You could say to yourself: ‘It is only one hour and I’ll cope’. Feeling helpless and angry is only a fleeting sense and then you can switch your thoughts and simply get on with what you have to do.

Knowing that something is not forever provides a sense of hope. This is one of the most important aspects of developing your resiliency and wellbeing. Getting a handle on the permanence of a stressful situation will enable you to determine how long you choose to feel helpless, frustrated or annoyed.


REMEMBER Understanding that all bad events are temporary in nature is a powerful means to build your resilience, gain perspective and boost your wellbeing.

2 Is it pervasive? What may be a small problem, like the extra, can very often get blown out of all proportion so that it ruins much of your day, evening at home and even sleep. You can let your mind take you to all the times when you felt undervalued, when you got extra work and when people took you for granted. If you let it, these debilitating thoughts can pervade your life to the detriment of your relationships and everything else that is happening around you. So, what started as a small inconvenience has now become a catastrophe and your wellbeing is certainly depleted, as is your sense of control and power, and possibly your relationships. Gaining perspective in a situation is crucial to building your resiliency and understanding that ‘stuff happens’. A resilient mental attitude helps you to deal with it and move on. Ask yourself, in terms of, say, the eighty years that you will live, how much impact will this one event have on you? On a scale of zero to ten, at the time you might catastrophise and put it at an eight. Is it really in terms of everything that life will throw at you? Invest in yourself in the short term and take a minute to create some space and realign your thoughts. Put the situation in its real place and then give it that amount of energy. Don’t let the inevitable irritants of each day sap your energy for the rest of the day. You have the choice.

3 Is it personalised? It is really easy to blame and we are generally very good at it, especially in a stressful situation. It can become either the other person’s fault or our own. When we constantly blame ourselves for what has happened, our self-esteem plum mets and it’s really difficult to retrieve perspective to get back on track. It can lead us into that spiral of negativity and sense of worthlessness. When we blame someone else for ‘wrecking our whole day’ then we are negating any responsibility for our wellbeing. We do have a powerful role in determining how much that situation is going to pervade our day. Take the time to appraise it, make the decision to deal with it and then move on.

25


Finding the balance between optimism and pessimism In our world fi lled with ups and downs, we can’t just naively go through life being continually optimistic and thinking everything is rosy. That is unrealistic. We have our highs and lows and stuff happens. To lead a balanced and successful life that promotes wellbeing, we need a blend of both optimism and pessimism. A small dose of pessimism gives us a sense of the reality of our situation. However, it is our optimism that makes dreams and goals possible, giving us hope, a sense of purpose and an understanding of the larger context. Finding the balance and the blend between the two will enable us to take a rational view of any situation.

A CHALLENGE Think of a situation where you find yourself sinking into negative thought processes. Take the time to pause and reflect why you think you spiral into negativity and ask yourself:

1

What has happened? Name the situation or behaviour of the other person.

2 What are your thoughts? List them, for example: • This always happens to me. • I know who did this.

3 How does this make you feel? • Frustrated • Angry • Helpless.

4 What is happening to your body as a result of these feelings? • Heart palpitations • Neck pain • Back pain • Loss of focus. Take the time to gain perspective and think about how difficult the situation is for you, on a scale from zero to ten (with zero being not at all and >


ten being life-threatening). This allows you to normalise your thoughts, rationalise where your mind might be taking you, and to put on the brakes to get the perspective to deal with it. Then ask yourself: • Is it permanent? • Is it pervasive? • Is it personalised?

Reactions versus response Many of us act impulsively out of habit. When something happens to us, like being verbally abused, we instinctively react. Reactions usually come from deep within us. They are determined by our past, our habits and our mood. 1

When a negative emotion comes to the front of your brain, take a moment to feel your power and dispute it.

2 Being aware of what you are thinking and doing is the first step to becoming more powerful.

3 Switching your brain to the positive will give a definite boost to your optimism, sense of humour and wellbeing.

4 Learning to respond rather than react is a more elegant and mature way to deal with situations. It is powerful and involves using the wisdom we all have to think about the consequences of what could happen and what we want to happen.

5 You are in control of yourself, your emotions and your wellbeing.

WELLBEING TIP Invest in yourself and get into the habit of taking the time to quickly analyse what is happening to you and why. Internally, and in the space of only a couple of minutes, you will be able to gain perspective. Breathe deeply and choose your response, saving energy for what is important. Don’t let an annoying situation or another person’s behaviour deplete your precious energy and wellbeing.


27

Think about what you can do rather than be victim to another person’s behaviour or attitude. It is easy to fall into the trap of focusing your energy on the problem, rather than the solution. Take the time to ask yourself the hard questions of why this is happening to you now and why you are feeling this way? Only then can you really start to solve the situation. To manage stressful situations, know that you can control it. It may feel like you are spiralling downward into the abyss of negativity and insomnia, but it doesn’t have to be that way. You have the power and you have the choice to choose your response and build your resilience.

Summary ◗ Your level of resilience determines your strength to cope when times are tough. ◗ You are responsible for your wellbeing. ◗ You can control how you respond to what happens to you. ◗ You have the power to make changes in your life and to move from your comfort zone into your courage zone. ◗ You can train your mind like you train your body. ◗ If the norm has been disrupted and your wellbeing is diminished, you need to make changes. ◗ You have the power to switch your negative thoughts to positive ones. ◗ Invest in your resilience and wellbeing to enjoy the long-term benefits for yourself and all of your relationships.

FURTHER READING ◗ Seligman, M. (1992). Learned optimism, Sydney: Random House, gives an understanding of how to put problems into perspective. ◗ Michael Licenblat has effective strategies to pressure proof from stress by building resilience. To see his articles, go to: http://www. stressmanagementsuccess.com.

t h re e

Wellbeing through energy management

The pace of life in the twenty-first century is hectic for people in the western world. Commuters rush to work and, while there, never seem to have enough time in the day. Then they rush home and do the very same thing day after day. Life can become a blur. For teachers, too, there never seems to be enough time to get everything done. Time, like our lives, is precious and it is finite. Once you spend your time, it is gone, and unlike money, you won’t be able to make any more. The time you spend today is irreplaceable and so making the best use of time gives you a sense of control and is a major determinant in your wellbeing. The western world’s fi xation with clocks and time is spreading and there are clocks everywhere. Just think about when daylight saving time changes, and the number of clocks we have to change. Not knowing the time can make people feel vulnerable and some people will judge the importance of a task by the amount of time they spend doing it. The longer it takes, the more important it is. However, in our busy lives, how fast we work and what we pack into our limited time isn’t necessarily the best indicator of how successful we are. Being ‘busy’ doesn’t necessarily equate to being successful and fulfi lled. One of the main things that we all have in common with everyone in the world is the same amount of time in any one day. We all have twenty-four hours equalling 1440 minutes. How we use each minute is determined by our choices and attitudes, expectations of ourselves and the expectations of others on us. Time management is not a skill – it’s an attitude. 28

WELLBEING THROUGH ENERGY MANAGEMENT

29

WELLBEING TIP The key to managing your time more efficiently is to manage your energy whilst building your resiliency to the detractors to your wellbeing. By doing this you are more able to cope with what happens to you and keep your energy for the important things in life.

Energy and time When we waste time, we waste life. Like time, our energy is also finite for each day. We can rush around and feel we are invincible but all of us only have 100 per cent of energy in any one day. The fortunate thing about energy is that, unlike time, we can replenish it for the next day after we’ve had a nourishing sleep. However, when we lose sleep due to the stressors in our lives, it is even harder to build up the reserves for the next day. With trying to ‘fit everything in’, the pace of life that many people subscribe to would leave the most resilient of us exhausted and overwhelmed. And the reality is, it does. Rushing through our day means that, very often, we are not in the moment of what we are doing or the conversation we are having. We are thinking about ‘what I have to do next’ or ‘what I should be doing’ or ‘I wish I wasn’t doing this’ or ‘damn, I forgot to do that’ and so on. It creates a whirlwind of emotion, meaning that we are never really in the present and dealing with what is at hand. Teachers are renowned for waking up in the early hours of the morning still thinking about what they should have done, could have done, or trying to remember something for the next day. If this is happening to you on a consistent basis this generally means that you are not in control of your energy and you are depleting your wellbeing with worry. Ultimately, if you feel like this at any stage, realise it is not the norm and it means that you are wasting your precious energy. You are wasting time and you are wasting life. Both are irretrievable. When you live in a constant state of feeling overwhelmed then something has to give. It taxes not only your mind but your body and your relationships. This sense can manifest by leaving you feeling anxious, frustrated, pressured and trapped in a perpetual rush.


So, if you are rushing around, pivoting uncontrollably into a downward spiral of ‘not having enough time’, then you do have a choice. Tap into your personal power and decide that changes need to be made. Stop. Stop right now and create some space to organise your priorities for what is important to you, rather than what is urgent. Only you have the power to do this as each person’s priorities will be different.

REMEMBER You are responsible for your wellbeing. You have the power to choose how you respond to what happens to you. You are in control of your energy at all times.

Important and urgent We know that every day there are both urgent and important things we need to do. Very often we get consumed by the urgent, which are usually of other people’s making. They will always be there to consume our time and energy: the meetings, the phone calls, the immediate needs of your students, dealing with the parents after school, the marking and the preparation. They need to be done, but they don’t need to overwhelm us to the point that we are consumed by doing other people’s ‘stuff ’ as well.

WELLBEING TIP The really important things in your life are often the less obvious things and because they don’t make such strong demands on you, they can be given a lower priority. It’s very easy to neglect what is important and succumb to the urgent. Learn how to distinguish between the two. Choose what you value and make these things a priority.

The question ‘Why?’ It’s our balance between time and energy expenditure that matters. Teachers are faced with many situations throughout their day that consume their time


31

and energy. So much of it is wasted time – looking after other people’s needs, fi xing situations that should never have occurred and chasing around after other people – and your needs are certainly not other people’s priority. Looking carefully at how we spend our time creates an awareness of how we are spending our energy. If you feel like you are time and energy pressured, a helpful strategy is to get into the habit of asking yourself ‘Why?’ to everything you do. ‘Why am I spending this time and energy on this task or with this person?’ So, when a situation arises that is going to take a lot of time/energy from you, know that there has to be a cost in another area of your life. Something just has to give. Your power comes from making the choice of what is important to you.

WELLBEING TIP You have the power to control the amount of energy you give any one situation or problem. You just have to decide how important it is to you, ask the question ‘Why?’ and then choose to give it that amount of energy.

If you are feeling pressured for time, ask yourself: ◗ Why am I letting this person speak to me like this? ◗ Why am I watching this television program? ◗ Why am I standing in this really long queue? ◗ Why am spending so much time and energy on this report? ◗ Why am I letting this meeting drag on without context or purpose? ◗ Why am I on this committee? ◗ Why am I spending time/energy with this person?

Often we think it’s because we have to and we are right. There are some things we just have to do as part of our role as a teacher, parent, partner or friend. Your resilience is enhanced when you choose to harness your power in making the decision that the time/energy you are spending is your choice and not that of another person. Quite simply, you need to make the decision of how much energy you are prepared to give them. Only then do you have control over choosing the balance in your life and putting your sacred energy into people and tasks that nourish, not deplete you.


Interruptions Interruptions are part of school life. Managing them to promote our wellbeing and not deplete us is the aim.

A CHALLENGE You are rushing to class and a colleague in the corridor asks you, ‘Have you just got a minute? I want to talk about James in Year 9’. Now we all know that nothing really takes ‘a minute’, so that one minute may be five or more. The challenge How do you deal with the issue, manage your time and most importantly manage the energy you need to expend so the other person is satisfied? You have three choices: 1

Being passive

You stop what you are doing, ask them what they want and wait until they finish their concern. Possible consequences:

a You are late for class. b You become frustrated because it’s not your concern and there’s nothing you can do about it.

c Your frustration leads to being tense with your class, who had nothing to do with it in the first place. 2 Being aggressive You think that this is the last thing you need right now and, while rolling your eyes, raising your voice and getting angry, you tell them in no uncertain terms. Possible consequences:

a Their response is to get angry because of your tone of voice and think that you don’t care for their needs.

b You get angry due to the fact that they don’t care about what you have to do and resent the interruption.


33

c This anger spirals until it affects your class and your focus, and still the issue hasn’t been professionally discussed and it certainly hasn’t been resolved. 3 Being assertive You say that you are interested in their concerns; however, you don’t have the time to give it your proper attention now. Could you meet at …? (the time that is suitable for you). Possible consequences:

a You have asserted yourself and demonstrated to the other person that you are interested and value what they have to say, but you don’t have the time/energy to deal with it now.

b You have demonstrated your power to choose what is right for you and not get swept up into another person’s agenda.

c You get to class on time and go about your real business, which is teaching!

WELLBEING TIP The best strategy to maintain your energy and create some space before you respond is to take a deep breath, ask yourself why this person is trying to put this on you now, and decide whether it fits with your current agenda or can it be dealt with later. You are using your power of choice. (See more on assertion techniques in Chapter 4.)

Your needs versus everyone else’s Teachers are generally really skilled at trying to constantly ‘be in control’ because they think that by not being in control they are displaying weakness and vulnerability. It is really tempting to try to stay in control by organising and trying to solve everyone else’s problems. This is a shortterm solution to a long-term problem. Colleagues, students, parents and our children need to learn to take responsibility for fi nding solutions to their problems. It is all too easy for some people to run to someone else to solve their problems. When other people come to you for help, they can


make the issue appear very urgent. That is urgent to them, not you. By them convincing you to help them or solve their problem, they are consuming your energy and redirecting focus from what you need and want to do. Polite assertion can often diffuse the situation so that they go away and sort out a solution for themselves. Long-term investment in yourself and others is about relinquishing some short-term power and control and letting them do it for themselves, even if they may not like it at fi rst. This may take some practice for you to change your habit of consistently putting other people’s needs before your own and for them to understand that they can also take responsibility for their own solutions. It is a great boost to your resilience and wellbeing. Disclaimer: This deals with most of the everyday ‘urgent’ situations in a school day. Some emergency situations require you to immediately deal with the issue. So, as a professional, you must respond when you have to.

Oxygen depleters are life depleters There are oxygen depleters everywhere. These are the people who are so persistently negative or self-absorbed that they simply deplete us, drain us emotionally, mentally and physically, and can be a real danger to our wellbeing. They may be a friend who calls up late at night, who is prone to catastrophise every aspect of their lives and who spends a very long time going through every detail with you. It may be someone who, when you mention your plans or goals, fi nds every possible reason why this is a huge mistake and tells you that you couldn’t possibly think that you could do it. They can comprehensively deplete your vision to the extent that you wish you’d never mentioned it! These people can be exhausting and will sap your precious energy if you let them. WELLBEING TIP Life is too short to let someone else deplete your energy. Don’t let other people’s behaviour or attitudes diminish your wellbeing.

Having a self-obsessed oxygen depleter in your life is a one-way street. You may have met this type of person. They are there to use your generosity


35

and patience and, because you are a patient and kind person, you have always been there to help them and offer consolation in their time of need. It’s just that they are the ones always in need. You can’t even remember the last time they listened to you and asked what might be happening in your life. If they did, they brushed it aside and then resumed talking about themselves. Does this sound familiar? The questions to ask yourself are: ◗ How do they nourish me as a person? ◗ What is the legacy I feel from having spent time with this person? ◗ Why am I spending so much time/energy with this person?

If their legacy is to leave you consistently depressed and exhausted, then it is your instinct telling you that something is amiss. Trust your instinct. Your challenge is to do something about it. But how do you disengage yourself from someone who is so obsessively needy or negative? It’s not easy, but it is possible. You just have to make the decision on what, how, who and when you want to spend your time and energy. Disclaimer: Everyone at some time needs a friend to listen to and support them. The above description is not about a supportive and respectful situation. Depleters are people who repeatedly and obsessively consume your time and energy, leaving you feeling despondent and depleted.

How to create a wellbeing structure and disengage yourself Make the decision to set a wellbeing structure that will protect you from people who aim to deplete you. This might be a time limit, an inability to ‘talk just now’, or whatever suits you best. Then the next time they phone to talk obsessively about themselves, you tell them that ‘you are interested, however you only have five minutes because you have to go out’. Set the boundaries that suit you, otherwise you will be consumed by them. When you assert yourself after five minutes and tell them that you ‘really have to go now’, they will probably hang up and telephone someone else who may listen. If they continue their ramblings, then reaffirm that you have other things to do right now and it is not a good time. Repeating the message will finally get through to them even if they aren’t fully listening to you. They may not like it. So what? You’ve been listening to the same thing for years anyway and you can’t control what other people think about you


anyway. So, let it go. Get on with what nourishes you. This time cannot be retrieved, so don’t waste it. These people are persistent when they have a friendly ear, so when they phone back another time, have another excuse with a small time frame. Extricate yourself slowly from the relationship. If they ask you outright why you don’t want to talk with them any more, tell them the truth. They probably won’t like it, but you can’t control what other people think, and because their needs are not getting met by you, they will get the hint eventually and move to someone else who will listen. You are not irreplaceable. Don’t think you are special to them because you listen. WELLBEING TIP It is your needs that need to be met. It is your energy and your wellbeing that is precious and needs to be nurtured. It’s amazing when you remove the oxygen depleters from your life how much more energy you have. It’s refreshing, it’s powerful and it’s possible.

Procrastination is a time waster We know that time wasters are life wasters. Procrastination is one of people’s greatest skills and is a real life and time waster. We’re really practised at it, and if we’re in this habit, it’s easy to just keep repeating the same behaviour over and over again. This means we are just thinking about something we want to do or know we should do and are not doing it. Excuses can be things such as the enormity of what we are facing is so overwhelming that we are afraid of change, or that we are just simply scared of taking the first step. The effect can be a depletion of our wellbeing and a sense of not being in control. Worry can exhaust us, remove us from the present, and create anxiety, pressure and unwanted stress. Procrastination is one of the most expensive time wasters that exists. Our mind is powerful at giving us the excuses for why not, so the more we delay tasks (such as beginning to write reports), the worse it becomes. Usually we procrastinate about things we don’t want to do or difficult conversations we don’t want to have. Have you noticed how when we are confronted with something pleasurable, we jump at it and will drop


37

everything to enjoy it? But with the hard stuff in life, we will come up with every excuse as to why not now. Interestingly, with the hard stuff we ruminate about over and over again, it means that we often catastrophise and imagine it as harder than it really is. When we get to do it, the ease in which we accomplish it can be quite surprising! If you are really skilled at procrastination, then to change the way you see and do things you need to start small. What is it that is nagging at you that you really want to get done, but just can’t make the effort to get started on? Is it doing your annual tax? Is it painting the wall in your house, or starting writing your reports? Maybe it’s making a difficult phone call or having a challenging conversation with someone. If it is important then it has to be done at some stage. So, minimise the pain, maximise your energy, take a deep breath and just get on with it. Getting started is usually the hardest part. Once you get going, very often you will say, ‘This isn’t so bad, why did I wait so long?’ One of the hardest aspects of procrastination is to take responsibility for the fact that you just haven’t done it. It’s really easy to blame your ‘lack of time’ or someone else for your predicament. However, the basic fact is that it is you, and you alone, who is choosing this. You are responsible for your choices, so the sooner you get on with it, the easier everything will be. The sense of relief will be palpable. Another aspect of procrastination is the energy you expend being worried if it doesn’t get done. Thinking about the worst possible scenario in a situation is a great motivator. If you have to, say, telephone a parent about their child in your class, think about what could potentially happen if you don’t discuss the child’s behaviour and ‘nip it in the bud’. Your short-term procrastination could lead to long-term consequences that are much harder than the initial telephone call. So, pick up the telephone and just do it.

WELLBEING TIP You have the power to choose how you want to feel. So, take worry out of your reality and take a big breath, decide to get on with it and rid yourself of the irritants like procrastination. You are simply making more space in your life for something far more enjoyable to do. Think about the bountiful benefits of dealing with things, stop pretending and just get on with it.


A CHALLENGE Make a list of all the things you have to do, have been meaning to do and haven’t quite got around to yet. For example:

1 2 3 4 5

Getting the car serviced. Returning the telephone call from an irate parent. Making the appointment at the dentist. Going for a walk every morning or evening. Starting the Christmas shopping.

Then put them in order of priority in a time frame of what is most urgent for you. Choose the best time for you to deal with each item. If you have more energy in the morning, then do it then. If you are a late-night ‘owl’, then approach the tasks then. Listen to your body clock and respect it. Take a deep breath and go about dealing with them. As you succeed in doing each item, cross it off and make sure you congratulate yourself! Take one small step to overcoming procrastination to get the ball rolling. You don’t have to do everything at once, so test the waters first. Self-confidence will grow and you will see that it’s probably not as bad as you imagined. This is the first step to lots more energy and space in your life! Once you’ve done the first one, create a goal for the next, take a deep breath and do that one too! Just keep going and the list becomes smaller and smaller until you feel quite liberated by your achievement. Being flexible in your approach is important. Don’t beat yourself up for not achieving items in the time frame you have set. If something comes up that is unavoidable and means you can’t get a task done when you said, simply revise what you have planned, set a new time and stick to that. Beating yourself up simply makes you procrastinate more, depletes your energy and makes you feel more negative and overwhelmed. So, get over it and get on with it!

REMEMBER Your mind is very powerful and you could become your best interrupter. Don’t fall for interruptions to your task, as they just waste more time and still you haven’t done it! Set a time frame to complete the task and then act.


39

The benefits of minimising procrastination are the freedom you feel, the greater energy and joy you will have, and the power you will feel by achieving these things. They have to be done. Nip the issues in the bud now, so they don’t become problems later. Do it now!

Rumination Like procrastination, rumination is another of the great time wasters. Rumination is to chew the cud, to turn the matter over and over in your mind. Most of us are really skilled at the art of ruminating by letting our past mistakes, or future worries, deplete our enjoyment of the present. They can make us churn, they consume our energy and make us miss out on what is happening right now. They can sap our confidence, burden our present and deplete our power. If we allow it, ever so easily our brain can slip into the past, to blame ourselves and others and to dwell on what ‘could have been’, ‘if only …’ Our minds take us back to times when we could have made different choices. But we didn’t, for whatever reason. It is our experiences – the blend of pain, disappointment, fun and laughter – that have made us the people we are today. However, we think about things people have said that have hurt us, the way we looked, what we did or what we said or didn’t say. Don’t you find it interesting that the brain can so easily return to a place that hurts rather than focus on the pleasure and enjoyment we have also had? It can overwhelm us to the stage that we actually believe the negativity and it becomes part of us, and can determine who we are. This is a great recipe for self-pity, powerlessness and depression. You know you can train your mind, so train it to nurture yourself. We can also waste a lot of time worrying about the future. You can ruminate about what will happen to your children when they leave school, will you have paid the mortgage by the time you have retired, what if you get sick and so on. These thoughts are natural, but when we turn our thoughts for the future into catastrophes, it can traumatise us with something that may not even happen. This is perfect time wasting – our energy is consumed in a negative way and our wellbeing is depleted, lead ing to anxiety, melancholy and fear. It can also lead to us becoming paralysed by inaction, so that even the things we can control now are left undone because we are so worried about the future.


To enhance your wellbeing, to energise your life now, you need to get over it and get on with living in the now.

WELLBEING TIP You can train your mind like you train your body. You cannot control the past or the future; however, you do have the power to control what is happening right now. And that is all you have. The past is gone, it has shaped who you are now and the future is anyone’s guess. So, get on with living now. Treasure the energy and the moment that you have because, in a split second, it is gone forever.

A CHALLENGE Think about what you ruminate over and ask yourself:

1 What are the issues that concern you? 2 What effect do they have on your life? How do they make you feel? 3 How do these issues affect your wellbeing and your energy for the present? So what do you do about it? Firstly, recognise the fact that you are ruminating. Acknowledging your worry is a major step. Acknowledge that it is hindering your energy now and that it is depleting you. There is no easy ‘cure’ for this; however, it is really valuable to recognise what you are thinking and take the time for reflection. In a busy world you can often catapult from one situation to another without making the space to reflect on what has happened in a more objective way.

Choosing a positive perspective Perspective is a really valuable tool. It enables you to reflect on ten years ago, then five, then one year and to think about what you were doing then, who you were, and who your friends were. Since so much changes and evolves, you need to take the time to reflect on how far you have come and the positive things you have achieved. So much that happens in life


41

occurs by chance: that chance meeting, that time you didn’t want to go somewhere and you met a new person who has changed your life. Maybe it was a book you read or a student who you taught. None of this would have happened if you didn’t have the courage to open yourself up to new opportunity. That’s why being kind to yourself is really important. Acknowledge your past, know that it is part of you and then move on. It’s not easy to let go. Each person will have a different way of dealing with negativity and rumination. Some people may visualise themselves where they really want to be and take themselves away from the negative thoughts. Others may be able mentally to say to themselves ‘stop this now’ and move their thoughts to something more positive in the present. Some others are able to take a deep breath and package up the pain from the past and let the whole lot go, like on a raft down a river or a balloon in the air. Whatever suits you, know that you can do it.

WELLBEING TIP You have the power to determine how you feel. Being resilient means that you have the skills to move through the difficult times in your life. Trust yourself.

Change isn’t instant. But know that, although choosing a positive perspective is not always an easy task, it is possible. It’s a slow process of dealing with one thing at a time and then moving on to the next. When you have awareness of where your mind takes you, then you have the beginnings to take the next small step. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge what you do well, the supportive people in your life and the beauty of it all.

A CHALLENGE 1 Acknowledge that you ruminate and name the issues. 2 Decide you want to stop ruminating about an issue that’s been worrying you.

>


3 Invest in yourself by giving yourself time for reflection on why this is affecting you so much.

4 Ask your friends what they do to help themselves. Share ideas and find a strategy that works for you. Try them out and give it a go.

5 Create more space and energy in your present by moving on from the past. When the past comes back to you, gently move it to the side and focus on the positives of now.

6 Keep doing it until it becomes a habit. It’s worth it. The benefits are that your wellbeing will be enhanced, you will have more energy and you will feel more in control of the present.

Finding an energy balance Energy management is about attitude and choice. We can rush around feeling out of control, living in the past and worrying about the future so that we completely miss out on what is happening right now. There’s more about this in Chapter 7, but finding balance is possible. Each one of us has the power to decide what we want to do. Yes, there are tasks and responsibilities that we have to perform throughout our day, but then there’s a whole lot of junk in there confusing our purpose and consuming our energy.

WELLBEING TIP Choosing to take responsibility for your wellbeing is powerful. Energy management is your choice. Deciding how you spend your time is the first step to having more energy for the important things.

A CHALLENGE Decluttering your life is a very powerful exercise. Often life is filled over time with things and people out of habit. If you are time poor and you don’t


43

feel fulfilled at the moment, something needs to give. You need to make space in your life. What do you have in your life that is distracting you from the important things that nurture you? How will you maximise your energy and time to do the things you want rather than be swept up into other people’s agendas? Start now. Write down what is cluttering your life. Here are just some ideas to get going: ◗ Clean out your filing cabinet with the files that you have been holding on to for years. ◗ Be more discerning with the time and energy you spend with people who deplete you. ◗ Clean out your belongings and get rid of that junk you’ve been meaning to for years. ◗ Turn off the television on the repeat of the program, or one where you really don’t care what happens. ◗ Spend more time with people who nourish you and share your values. ◗ Determine your own power in how you respond to what happens to you in everyday situations. ◗ Make time and space for you to do just what you want. ◗ Minimise your ruminating on things you can’t control – past and future. ◗ Try to let go of procrastinating on important tasks you need to address.

Summary ◗ Time management is an attitude, not a skill. ◗ You have the power to overcome procrastination. You have to choose to do it. ◗ Be honest with yourself and acknowledge that you are procrastinating. ◗ Begin with the end in mind. Imagine how you will feel when it is done. ◗ Start small and choose what is important. Prioritise your jobs. ◗ Take a deep breath, and do it. ◗ With large tasks, break them down into manageable sections so that they are not so overwhelming. ◗ Celebrate your success, your new space and energy in your life. ◗ We can control our energy output and reserves by promoting our resilience. ◗ Urgent things will always be there. Decide what is important to you.


◗ Ask ‘Why?’ about the things that pressure you. ◗ Manage interruptions so they don’t deplete you. ◗ Maximise your energy by minimising energy depleters. ◗ Train your mind to minimise ruminations. ◗ Declutter your life to make more space and energy to enjoy the important things in your life. ◗ Life is too short to waste time and energy.

FURTHER READING ◗ Denis Waitley has a helpful website that deals with practical strategies to deal with personal wellbeing. Go to: http://www.deniswaitley.com. You can subscribe to his monthly e-zine. ◗ Andrew McCombe has written an e-book that gives a wide scope to learning how to control your life. It can be downloaded by going to: http://www.activateyourlife.com.au. ◗ Lundin, S., Christensen, J., Paul, H., & Strand, P. (2002). Fish! Tales, Great Britain: Hodder and Stoughton, gives an easy-to-read, anecdotal view of how to choose your attitude and determine how you spend your day.

fou r

Wellbeing and communication

Our relationships with each other are the source of our life’s meaning. Our sense of personal identity only exists in the context of those relationships. Communication is not only our currency, but our life force. Society is like an electricity grid, humming with energy and potential power and we must tap into it if we are to share that power – not in a grandiose bid to change the world or solve the problems of society, but through local, individual, personal influence. We are born to communicate, to join, to connect and share. When we deny those natural impulses, we diminish ourselves. (Mackay, 2007, p. 342)

The art of communication Communication is the skill we daily use the most whether teaching, with friends and family, talking on the telephone, sending an email or in the other myriad of interactions throughout our day. Although it is the basis of everything we do, what is strangely perturbing is that few of us have ever been trained in effective communication. Often we tend to bumble along, make mistakes and then hopefully we gradually understand what does and doesn’t work. What works best is often elusive and can take many hits and misses if we haven’t been guided in this direction. Learning to communicate effectively so that it promotes our wellbeing is the foundation of making our lives simpler and easier. We have learnt most of our communication techniques from our parents, who learnt it from their parents. By the time we become adults and have to interact in our workplace and deal with our own relationships, 45


for better or for worse, these habits can be an entrenched way of being. But there is good news if the old ways aren’t working that well. It is possible to learn the skills of effectively communicating and changing our habits from the past. Healthy communication is a two-way street but firstly we have to be aware of what is happening around us and our role in the interaction to make it work best for us. The benefits will then spread to others. Our lives will be easier, they will be more honest and our wellbeing will be enhanced.

WELLBEING TIP Investing in yourself by taking the time to be aware of how you communicate, and how to improve what you already do, can save a lot of energy, heartache and misunderstandings in your relationships.

You always have the choice in how you communicate: 1 2 3 4 5

You have the power to choose how you respond to what happens to you. Do not let someone else’s behaviour undermine and deplete your wellbeing. Behaviour ignored is behaviour condoned. You can’t control what other people think of you. You have the responsibility to yourself and to your wellbeing.

Your personal power We know we all hold personal power, and one of the most basic issues in understanding healthy communications is to recognise your role and your ability in making it happen. Learning how to tap into it means you have the power to choose how you respond to what happens to you and what is said to you at any given time. We can’t assume that other people will be aware of how they are moving through their lives, but our power comes from our personal awareness. Often bad habits from our past create our reactions to others. When someone says something to us that is hurtful, arrogant or negative, our reaction could be to instinctively ‘snap back’ at them with a comment, which can just take the interaction into a downward spiral.

W EL L B EI N G A N D COM M U N I C AT I O N

47

This can negatively affect our wellbeing on so many levels. Our emotions may kick in with anger, outrage or annoyance. Our heart rate rises, and we may lose perspective and allow that to affect our day or even our sleep at night.

REMEMBER Do not let someone else’s behaviour affect your wellbeing. Be aware of how you are moving through your day.

Awareness has lots of benefits: ◗ Your life will become easier and simpler. ◗ You will be able to tap into your power at any time to determine how you will respond to what happens to you. ◗ You will prevent potential conflict by working smarter, not harder. ◗ You will have more energy and zest for teaching and living, so you can do what you should be doing to the best of your ability – educating young people and enjoying healthy relationships.

But it’s easier said than done! The fi rst step is being aware of what is happening around you, how you react and respond and what other people do too. This can be especially challenging at work.

Promoting wellbeing by minimising misunderstandings Hugh Mackay (2007, p. 68) describes the workplace as a hothouse of pressure: The typical work environment is characterised by prolonged and sometimes quite intense personal relationships where, in a wide variety of testing circumstances, people are more transparently exposed to each other than in most other areas of their lives, including marriage. Workplaces are often like hothouses, generating pressure partly from the need to meet deadlines and goals … and partly from the need to get along with all kinds of people you might not necessarily choose to spend so much time with.


Schools can certainly be a hothouse of pressure. So much happens at a fast pace, with so many people, the propensity for misunderstanding is intense. It’s not just your colleagues and leaders you have to deal with, but students and their parents as well. So much of your life is related to the communication of ideas and it has to be managed while juggling this vast array of personalities and needs and expectations. In this intense environment, the need for effective communication becomes even more apparent. Each time you speak with a person, attend a meeting, offer assistance to a student or deal with a parent, it offers the potential for a misunderstanding to occur. A small matter that may appear simple to you may be misunderstood by another person, which can easily lead to confusion and possibly confl ict. And after all of this, unless it is rectified, the problem remains and potentially spirals beyond the initial misunderstanding.

REMEMBER It is often the little things such as misunderstandings that can cause the most irritation. They can detract from what you are meant to be doing and cause you worry and distress. That’s why preventing them in the first place or learning to ‘nip them in the bud’ creates significantly more energy and focus to do what you are meant to do – like teach!

WELLBEING TIP Effective communication is simple. It’s not wrapped up in complex terminology or boring monologues destined to put even the most alert in a state of inertia. So, simply think about what you want and how you are going to get your needs met.

The power in choosing how you communicate Confrontation gets a lot of bad press, but it doesn’t need to be negative. Often it is used to describe war, anger or arguments. To confront means


49

to come face to face, and in terms of healthy communication, it is seen as seeking clarity. So by asking a question when confused, or standing up for a value or a colleague that is being undermined, then you are merely confirming your own self-worth and the worth of others. This confrontation is positive and it has lots of benefits for you.

The types of communication To understand the art of communicating in an honest and open way it is best to look at the main forms of communication – passive, aggressive, and assertive, as well as body language and listening skills. As an overview, this will help you determine how you do it now, what changes if any you would like to make, and how to go about it.

The different forms of communication ◗ Passive ◗ Aggressive ◗ Passive-aggressive ◗ Assertive

The most important thing to remember is that behaviour ignored is behaviour condoned; that is your behaviour and that of others.

Being passive in life Going through life being passive in our needs and communication is very common. It has been estimated that 95 per cent of the population are submissive. This again is a habit we learn from our parents, because often as children we are taught to be ‘nice’ and to ‘keep the peace’. Sometimes this will work; however, for things that are important to us, keeping the peace may not be the best option. Making the decision to ask for what we want is very powerful. If we don’t do this, we can live our lives in the shadows of other people’s needs. And let’s face it, if we don’t ask for what we want, then who will do it for us?


WELLBEING TIP People aren’t mind-readers! You have to tell them what you are thinking and what you need, so that it can be dealt with at the time.

REMEMBER A teacher is a role model for young people so your participation in healthy communication is a powerful demonstration to others in how to do it!

The benefits of consistently passive communication and behaviour ◗ None.

The costs of not taking responsibility for your needs It can have a profoundly negative effect on your whole wellbeing. When you consistently let other people be in control, your wellbeing can be depleted leaving you feeling annoyed, cheated or defeated. It may display itself physically, resulting in headaches, high blood pressure and hypertension. It can also negatively affect your self-esteem and self-confidence so that when you approach another more complex situation, these feelings may overwhelm you to such an extent that you are hindered from moving forward. Not taking responsibility is a common way of avoiding, postponing or hiding from confrontation.

REMEMBER All of this is preventable. If what you are doing is not working for you, then recognise the benefits of changing what you do and feel the power and do it. You are in control of your wellbeing.


51

Summary: passive behaviour ◗ Be honest in your needs. ◗ Try not to avoid or postpone confrontation. It doesn’t have to be negative. ◗ People aren’t mind-readers. ◗ Being passive can overwhelm you and stop you from moving forward. ◗ Resentment and blame may eventuate. ◗ Positive role modelling is very powerful.

Using aggression to communicate We’ve all met people who use aggression to communicate. Fortunately, aggressive people are a minority and we don’t have to deal with them that often, but when we do, they can be a major inhibitor to our wellbeing. An aggressive person is the one who always gets what they want, despite the cost, and usually it’s at the expense of others. It is a manipulative form of power misuse and someone will always lose. They may leave their targets with a sense of feeling angry, powerless and intimidated. These emotions if not dealt with will manifest physically, emotionally and mentally, possibly leading to illness of some kind in the long term. An aggressive person can be a colleague, parent or student, so remember you have the power to not let this person’s behaviour undermine your wellbeing. You have the power to decide to not react and to choose your response. It is not part of your job description to put up with their ranting.

The benefits of aggressive communication ◗ None.

REMEMBER There is no confusion about aggression. It’s a form of power misuse and manipulation. Someone else always loses as a result of aggressive communication and behaviour. They want you to feel helpless and powerless >


and if you do, they have won. Most importantly, keep yourself safe and walk away if you have to, saying you will deal with this later (see Chapter 5 for more information on this topic).

Summary: aggressive communication ◗ Aggressive people misuse their power at your expense. ◗ Do not let their behaviour determine your level of wellbeing. ◗ You have the power to choose how you respond. ◗ Do not get swept up into their agenda. ◗ Keep yourself professional, polite and safe at all times.

Passive-aggressive behaviour Many of us use a combination of approaches when communicating and the main type is known as passive-aggressive. When a person is passive for so long and lets other people’s needs come before their own, an incident may occur which is literally ‘the straw that breaks the camel’s back’ and they are like a pressure cooker that has built up steam and then bursts. Usually it involves a series of incidents, which may or may not be connected, but all of which have not been ‘nipped in the bud’ and dealt with. Then out of the blue, one more incident simply tips them over the edge and aggression kicks in. Does this sound familiar? If your habit is to communicate in a passive-aggressive way it can be both very perturbing for other people and depleting for your wellbeing. For those involved or any onlookers, it may be rather confusing as they may not think the situation deserved such vitriol. It probably didn’t. It’s just they didn’t know about your accumulation of ‘steam’. Losing control in this manner can be very damaging to your wellbeing. Not only have you ‘lost face’ but you can be left feeling distraught, isolated and stupid. With any healthy communication, the aim is to nip potential aggravations ‘in the bud’ so that you don’t submit to the temptation of aggression. That’s not to say we should never be aggressive. There are times when we need to display aggression, but that’s usually in extreme times when we are being threatened, at war, or sometimes in a sport. In authentic and healthy relationships, it does not have a role.


53

Summary: passive-aggressive behaviour ◗ Passive-aggressive behaviour can be confusing and depleting. ◗ It erodes your wellbeing and can make you lose face. ◗ It is preventable by dealing assertively with situations as they come along.

Effective and healthy communication by being assertive You already know that every day of your teaching life you are making dozens of decisions, giving countless directions and constantly talking with people whether face-to-face, by phone or email. It is a real juggling act and meanwhile you are trying to do this despite how you might feel that day or the moods of the people you have to deal with. To get through a day without some form of misunderstanding or a form of confl ict is a big challenge. The best way of avoiding this is to try to prevent misunderstandings or confl icts in the first place by nipping them in the bud. Learning the habit of effectively asserting yourself throughout your day means you will get your needs met in an open and honest way and it is a great boost to your wellbeing.

WELLBEING TIP Behaviour ignored is behaviour condoned. People aren’t mind-readers, so you need to tell the other person if they are negatively affecting you.

The benefits of being assertive Assertive people like themselves and are prepared to stand up for themselves. They know how to maintain self-respect and to have their needs recognised without abusing or dominating others. ◗ By standing up for yourself, you are confirming not only your self-worth, but that of others. ◗ It helps you to live a life with less fear and anxiety because you don’t take to heart what people think of you. ◗ It helps you to defend your position and values without other people controlling or misusing their power to manipulate how you feel or act.


◗ It’s about nipping potential situations in the bud and then choosing how you expend your energy on what is important to you. ◗ It helps prevent misunderstandings.

REMEMBER Effective assertion is about being responsible for your choices and being in control of your own life. Life is too short to live someone else’s.

Don’t worry if you aren’t skilled at this because most of us aren’t very good at it. Remember, it has been estimated that 95 per cent of the population are passive and are going through life not getting their needs effectively met, so that leaves only 5 per cent of the population who are effectively asserting themselves. Deciding to leave your passive side in the past and choosing to become more assertive is like practising a new habit. It’s a positive one that will certainly benefit your wellbeing. If what you are doing now isn’t working, you just have to decide to be assertive.

Warning There is a cost to becoming assertive.

If you are new to being assertive and people aren’t used to you standing up for yourself, it’s important to understand that, at fi rst, the norm may be disrupted. Don’t worry. Go with it, and stay on track as it’s a way of forcing you to reappraise the basic values of who you are and what you want. You cannot control what other people think of you anyway. Being true to your purpose and ethics is making a substantial investment in your wellbeing and resilience.

How to be more assertive If you want to be more assertive in your daily interactions, you must have already decided that what you are doing now isn’t working that well. This is positive because with this awareness you have already begun the process. Imagine how you will feel when you have been successful! Know that


55

you have the power to do this. Start small. Ideally, start at home with something simple, before you tackle any major situation at work. Let your needs be known and use the skill of empathy, and try to save face for every one involved. The key is to be mindful of how you are communicating.

You always have a choice in how you communicate ◗ You have the power to choose your response to what happens or what is said. ◗ Press pause on your reactions. ◗ Take in a few deep breaths and breathe out equally as deeply. This will give you space and quiet to choose your response. ◗ You do not have to be engaged with another person’s agenda. ◗ Think about your power, your choice and the outcome you want. ◗ Notice when you react through habit, as you may be choosing the wrong response for this situation. ◗ Take the time, feel your power, use empathy, choose your response and then do it!

CASE STUDY As part of his allowance your teenage child knows that he must empty the dishwasher each day after school. He’s only done it once in the last three weeks and this was after you had really nagged him. It has really frustrated you, making you feel angry at times. In the past, what you have done to cope is to simply empty the dishwasher yourself, because it’s quicker and easier to do, rather than confront your child about their laziness. So, today you are driving home from a busy and stressful day at work with at least three hours of preparation to complete that night. You are already visualising a full dishwasher. You know that there will be a showdown with your child if you question the fact that they have not done what has been asked of them. You get home at 6 p.m. after shopping and traffic jams and as you open the front door, you hear the television. Your child is sprawled across the couch and the house looks like a hurricane has hit it! Taking a deep breath, you ask how their day was, and in return you get a grunt. You walk into the kitchen to unpack the shopping and there isn’t a millimetre of space on the bench due to dirty plates and spilt food and drink. The dishes are still in the dishwasher.


What do you do? Think of your choices. Reaction 1 – Aggressive You lose control and scream that the least expectation is a hello and then you tell your child ‘you never do anything around the house!’ The cost: ◗ Your frustration leads to you getting upset and angry. A nagging headache goes into full throttle and your son tells you where to go. ◗ The dishes are not cleaned up.

Reaction 2 – Passive You take a deep breath and bite your tongue while you start to clean up his mess before you can even unpack the shopping, thinking it’s not worth the argument. The cost: ◗ You resent his laziness and attitude. ◗ You waste time and energy by cleaning up his mess and doing his task. ◗ You get behind time for dinner and don’t know how you’ll do your work as well. ◗ You can feel your exasperation rising as you’ve done this dozens of times before and he still doesn’t do what he’s asked.

Response 3 – Assertive You go into the living room, turn off the television and explain to your son how you feel and what you would like him to do. The cost: ◗ Probably little, except resentment or amazement from your son.

So, what could you say to him to effectively assert yourself? These are only ideas; however, structuring an approach will help to make it easier and you will be more prepared for when these situations occur. Use your own words, but this is a starting point to begin practising: ◗ When you don’t empty the dishwasher … (be really specific about the task at hand, not the person. Tempting as it may be, try not to say, ‘You’re always so lazy, you never do anything around the house!’


57

◗ I feel really frustrated, because … (let him know how you feel). ◗ It means that I have to clean up before I do anything else and it means I have less time to do the things I really want/need to. (Give a reason why you feel this way.) ◗ I would like you to understand how I feel and make sure the dishwasher is empty tomorrow so that I have more time to do a, b, c, with you. (Tell him why he needs to do this and the benefits to him for doing so.)

Outcome: Your child may look bewildered at your words, roll his eyes and turn on the television again. Persevere, as it may take several attempts to get the message through and his behaviour and attitude to modify. Helping people to understand there is a consequence for their behaviour is a healthy form of communication.

A CHALLENGE Nothing changes if nothing changes. Think of a situation at your school or home that has been nagging at you for ages, that creates frustration in your life, that depletes your wellbeing and is one you want to change. Write it down. ◗ The situation is … ◗ It makes me feel … ◗ The changes I want to make … ◗ The benefits of doing this are … ◗ What I will say and do … ◗ If it doesn’t work the first time, then I will …

1 Prioritise them and work out when you want to change them. 2 Practise the words that you will say. Rehearse with a friend or colleague. 3 Choose a time that will promote the best outcome and then rehearse again.

4 Try to keep an even tone of voice and open body language. 5 If it doesn’t work the first time, don’t worry; persevere, and change your words, the timing or another aspect. Give it another try.


One by one, try to eliminate the detractors to your wellbeing and celebrate the energy you now have for the things that you really want to spend your time on. Start small with something that will give you success and understand that success is not guaranteed every time. At least you are trying to shift the aggravations in your life.

WELLBEING TIP Practise, practise, practise until the new skill becomes a habit. Like everything you try, the more you do it, the easier it becomes and soon it will become second nature. Think of the benefits for everyone when you master this new skill. Think of all the energy you will have for the things you really want to do, once you make space by dealing with the things in your life that cause you frustration.

Summary: being assertive ◗ Assertive people like themselves and are prepared to stand up for themselves. ◗ You can nip potential conflict situations in the bud. ◗ Confrontation can be positive. ◗ You value yourself and other people when you are assertive. ◗ If you don’t stand up for yourself, then it is likely that no one else will. ◗ Life is too short to live in the shadow of someone else’s life. ◗ By not saying anything when you are aggravated you are condoning the other person’s behaviour.

Blending the main communication types On any given day, a school environment contains the natural ebb and flow of people’s moods, resilience levels and energy, so be aware that healthy communication is a blend of passive, aggressive and assertive. There will be times to give in and be passive, and times to fi re up if you are threatened, but know that asserting yourself along the way is the best way to achieve a healthy communication flow. It is also the best form of role modelling for your students to witness.


59

Other important forms of healthy communication Body language As humans we haven’t always had language to communicate. Primitive civilisations made do with only body language and a few grunts. (You may question this sense of evolution if you have teenage children!) Although now we have words to support our communication, body language still makes up the majority of its success – or failure. Body language is usually a good indication of how people are feeling, because their words may differ from their gestures. That’s why it’s important to notice what you and other people are doing, as well as what is being said. Body language is more instinctive, probably more honest and is part of the whole package of communication that will help you immeasurably with understanding their message. Often it’s our face that mostly shows how we are feeling. When we are relaxed, it’s easy to smile and laugh, but we have all experienced times when a smile is really hard to find. Our facial muscles tighten in stressful situations and everyone can see it. Be aware of how you move through your day: how others see you when you go into class or when you attend a meeting, and all you can think about is the dozens of other places you’d rather be!

Empathy and communication One of the greatest skills in life and wellbeing we can develop and practise is that of empathy. When empathy is demonstrated to us in everyday situations, it is a true deposit for our wellbeing account. It makes us feel valued and understood. Empathy should be a two-way street and is the basis of all healthy communication. As an educator you are probably really good at using your brain, and listening when you want to, but getting in the habit of using empathy in everything you do helps you to use your heart as well. It is literally ‘putting yourself in someone else’s shoes’ and trying to see it from their point of view. It is about being non-judgmental and non-prejudicial in the way you treat and respond to others. With this skill you are able to understand the situation in a more authentic manner because ‘you know how it feels’. Experience in life’s ups and downs can give a person empathy because the more you experience and learn, the more you are able to relate to how


another person is experiencing a situation. However, a lot of people can reach a grand old age and still not have this skill. You need to tap into your emotional reservoirs and choose to want to feel this. Teachers in particular can support their students much more in their social and academic outcomes by using empathy. All of us would have had some pretty shaky experiences as young people as we were trying to fi nd our way in the world. By displaying this skill, you can help the young person through the situation without judging or making claims on what they should be or shouldn’t be doing at any point in time. When you demonstrate this skill in your dealings with people, it is a sure way of breaking down barriers to create a more honest and human form of communication.

WELLBEING TIP The importance of empathy in terms of your wellbeing cannot be overemphasised. Judgment and anger at a situation can draw valuable energy away from what is most important. Using empathy in your dealings with people means you are well on the road to a more elegant understanding of the situation and therefore a collaborative approach to moving on.

Saying no and meaning it Teachers are renowned for their ability to multi-task and get an enormous amount done each day. Although it is a natural human instinct to want to be needed and to help other people, often we may take too much on board and feel like we need to be in control and be ‘everything to everyone’. When we fi ll our lives with doing things for others, we are putting our needs last, including our wellbeing. Playing ‘the martyr’ may suit us in the short term, but know that it has long-term consequences for our wellbeing. You simply have to make the choice to put yourself fi rst and visualise the benefits of having more time and energy for what you find important. This is not about being selfish; it’s about being smart and using your time and energy for your advantage. Learning the skill of saying ‘no’ to requests when you want to will boost your energy and increase wellbeing. Have you noticed that when we say ‘yes’ to a request from someone, we simply say the word and then get on with it, despite the costs to the other


61

things we have to do? Why then, when we say ‘no’, do we feel guilty and sometimes offer long apologies trying to explain why it doesn’t suit right now? Very often we feel so guilty that we relent. Let’s face it, people in our lives know how to push our ‘buttons’. They know who to approach when they want something done. They have worked out who is the easiest target to get to do what they want – just like we know who to approach. If you are the person that people come to when they want something done, it’s probably because you have demonstrated to them that you’re the person who can ‘get things done’. But know there has to be a cost. In any one day we all have the same amount of time. Something just has to give. It’s your choice. If you are this person, ask yourself why you fi nd it hard to say ‘no’ to a request. Is it that you’ve been raised with the understanding that it’s best to please, rather than determine your own needs? How often have you said ‘yes’ to something when you really meant ‘no’? And then you think, ‘Damn, I didn’t mean that, and now I have to do it!’

WELLBEING TIP Don’t get sucked into other people’s agendas. Ask yourself: ‘Is it really what I want?’

It’s instinctive to try to please others, so don’t worry if you find this hard. But if you do say ‘yes’ when you mean ‘no’, then focus on yourself, its effect and cost. Be aware of what it means rather than submitting through habit. ◗ Does constantly pleasing others make less time for other things that you would rather do? ◗ Do you rush and maybe not do your tasks as well as you would like? Remember too that, when you are rushed, you are more likely to make mistakes.

You may fi nd that in a work situation, when you start saying ‘no’ to additional tasks, the person/people who have been asking you in the past will simply find someone else. There is always someone else on the staff


to do it, so don’t think you are that special! And let’s face it, the person hassling you might just have to do it themselves. Saying ‘no’ at work is not related to being asked to do what is considered part of your role as a professional. It’s not about not pulling your weight or trying to do less. Your role is your role, and everything within it. Here we are talking about the myriad of extra things that pass through an educator’s day. That’s where you can choose to be more discerning if you feel your wellbeing is being depleted by the additional requests on your time.

WELLBEING TIP The essence of maximising your wellbeing is to put yourself first. This is not in a selfish way, but in a manner that respects everyone’s rights. When you are trying to be ‘everything to everyone’ at a cost to your wellbeing, you are being dishonest with yourself and others. You are underestimating and undermining the worth of yourself and your wellbeing.

REMEMBER You only have 100 per cent of energy available to you on any one day and a fixed amount of time. Feel the power to choose how you want to spend it. Ask yourself: ‘Does it nourish or deplete me? Why am I doing this?’

Practising how to say ‘no’ effectively Like any change, we need to continually practise. So, practise your assertion skills until they become second nature. ◗ When you say ‘no’, stick to it because if you continually relent, it’s like crying wolf, and people won’t take you seriously. ◗ It doesn’t make you a bad person, colleague, parent or friend. It’s just that you can’t do what they are asking of you at this point in time. ◗ Don’t worry about what people may think because you can’t control that. ◗ You have the power to determine how you want to feel.


63

◗ Try really hard not to over-apologise. ◗ Remember, if you please everyone else all the time, you are the last person who is being pleased. ◗ Simply tell the truth. The truth is very powerful, and when you make lots of excuses you have to have a very good memory. So, if there is something that you just don’t want to do, or you don’t have time, you have something else you are doing or you don’t feel comfortable with the request, say it and move on. ◗ Some people (like our children), especially if they are used to you saying ‘yes’, may continue to nag. Don’t let them get to you. Stick to your guns and be persistent in asserting your response. ◗ If they don’t desist and it is annoying you, then just say, ‘I’m beginning to feel uncomfortable and a little pressured. I’ve already said that I’m unable to do it’. Leave it at that. Keep it simple.

A CHALLENGE Think of the times when you feel pressured to say ‘yes’ when you really want to say ‘no’. Write them down. Determine which ones will be the easiest to start with. Rehearse with someone you trust, choosing your body language, tone of voice, eye contact and words. Then one by one, when instances arise, you will be ready to deal with the demands of other people. Remember, you have the power to do it. Congratulate yourself every time you succeed. At first it may be difficult, but know that ‘practice makes perfect’, so don’t give in. Be consistent and honest. The benefits to your wellbeing and sense of power are immeasurable!

Communicating under stress All these hints about healthy communication sound really good in theory, but we all know that the real world is very different, especially for you as an educator. You are dealing with a myriad of emotions, histories, hot buttons, moods and expectations, and that’s just yourself! Think about the numbers and combinations of people you have to deal with on a daily basis. It’s mind boggling, isn’t it?


So, feeling pressured and stressed at some time will be either your real ity or someone’s you are interacting with. It creates a whole new situation when you are the person stressed and the last thing you are feeling is rational! When we listen under a cloud of stress, remember that ‘no one is home’. Our brain isn’t effectively functioning once our adrenal glands have kicked in and it’s common for us to only hear small parts of a conversation that potentially can lead to misunderstandings and more stress. It is a time when we may be focusing on any negatives in the content and miss all the positives, or vice versa. Either way, we are missing out on the true message and intent. Dealing with someone under stress takes all the skills we have, but it is possible. The aim is to press pause and breathe deeply in and out. Make it easy on yourself and the other person, so slow down the pace and get to the real issues while demonstrating a big dose of empathy. Again, create a simple structure to get to the point: ◗ Keep things simple and avoid misunderstanding. ◗ Ask open questions and only one at a time: ‘What happened? When did this happen? Where? Why do you think it happened?’ and so on. ◗ This gives people who tend to ramble a structure in which to communicate. It also helps you to get to the essence of what they are saying.

As human beings we are not neat and efficient, so it may take time to get the true story: ◗ Give it time and space. ◗ To prevent misunderstandings, repeat back what you have understood: ‘So, you are saying that …’ ◗ Silence is very powerful. ◗ Give the speaker space to think about what they are saying and the way they are saying it, and also what sort of outcome they want to achieve.

REMEMBER Misunderstandings take energy and time to sort out. They are a cost to your wellbeing especially if they spiral out of control and aren’t nipped in the


65

bud. So, do all you can to prevent this, by taking the time and setting the structure to listen effectively. Admit you are human and will make mistakes. You don’t need to be responsible for someone else’s agenda. If you are unable to focus, reschedule for another time when you can.

Electronic communication With the world and our lives changing so rapidly, one of the most obvious ways we witness it is through telecommunications. Remember when we used to pick up the phone and actually talk with the person we wanted? Now it seems in schools there are endless communications from administration, colleagues and parents in the form of emails, texts and voice messages that deluge even the most resilient teacher. Emails in particular can be a concise and easy means of communication, especially for people with busy workloads. However, we all know that potentially emails can cause us stress and deplete our wellbeing when they go wrong. When you send an email, you have no idea what sort of mood the person is in on the receiving end. Have you ever received an email written in anger and haste where the sender has just pressed ‘Send’ and not cared about your reaction? Maybe you’ve done it yourself. Either way, it can be seen as a coward’s way of sending bad news, where a person doesn’t want to confront the other or deal with any confl ict. And this is where it can get us into trouble and erode our wellbeing. Remembering that words only account for about 35 per cent of our communication, then the recipient is only receiving that amount of the message. As Hugh Mackay describes, ‘the words on the screen might be the words you want to say but, from the receiver’s point of view most of the really interesting, really revealing stuff is missing … body language carries valuable freight’ (2007, p. 101).

Making it work for you Make sure when you are writing an email that you are very clear in your intent. Choose your words carefully. Try to write with a friendly tone. Never write in capital letters. It screams at the recipient and can cause stress to them, just like when you receive one in the same tone. In the same way,


it’s best not to approach someone when you are angry. Don’t write when you are angry or stressed. It will come through in your words. Use the skill of empathy. Ask yourself: ‘How would I feel if I received this email?’ And, ultimately, if you aren’t sure about how and what you have written, press pause and put it in the drafts folder to refer to it later. That’s what a drafts folder is for – drafting!

WELLBEING TIP There is also the situation where you use emails as such a matter of course that many are sent in order to make a simple arrangement, such as organising a meeting with a parent. Much valuable time can be wasted, so maybe you could be ‘old fashioned’ and pick up the phone to make the appointment. This helps to reduce frustration and is of great organisational benefit in a time-strapped setting. So, where it is possible, talk directly with a person to effectively communicate and get an answer immediately. It saves time and energy and gives you more energy for what is really important to you.

Summary Take some time out to reflect and be aware of how you communicate. ◗ Remember that healthy communication is a great boost for wellbeing. ◗ Behaviour ignored is behaviour condoned. ◗ Try to prevent misunderstandings by nipping them in the bud. ◗ Make your life easier and simpler by shifting the way you respond. ◗ Assert yourself and let your needs be known. ◗ Be prepared to confront positively and recognise the benefits. ◗ You always have a choice in how you respond to a situation. ◗ Be aware of your body language and tone of voice. ◗ Use a big dose of empathy in everything you do and say. ◗ Learn how to say ‘no’ if you want to.


FURTHER READING ◗ Bolton, R. (2001). People skills. Sydney: Simon & Schuster, gives a detailed approach to effective communication skills. ◗ Covey, S. (2001). The 7 habits of highly effective people, New York: Simon & Schuster. For a summary of the chapters, go to: http://www. quickmba.com/mgmt/7hab/. ◗ De Bono, E. (2004). How to have a beautiful mind. London: Random House, explores many aspects of how to best use your mind to communicate your needs.

67

f ive

Wellbeing and conflict

Confl ict of some sort is everywhere in our world. When we read newspapers or watch television, they are fi lled with stories of confl ict. It might be politicians bickering, a murder, news from a war zone or the divorce of some celebrity. Every movie or drama has confl ict to keep the story moving along. In a lot of ways, our society seems addicted to it. It’s easy to sit back comfortably on our couch and look at the confl ict in other people’s lives without it touching our own. The reality is that every day in our own lives we experience confl ict in some form or other. It may take the shape of an aggressive driver on the road, a distressed family member or an angry email. It could be a workplace situation with a colleague, a student or an angry parent. It’s easy to talk about other people’s problems and concerns but when it hits us, it’s a different story.

The need for conflict management Unmanaged confl ict is hard and it is taxing. It disrupts our day and can cause a lot of pain, negative stress, anxiety and fatigue. It can create a downward spiral in our emotions and wellbeing and affect other relationships in our lives. It can make us sick, we may lose sleep and it can make us irritable. Because we spend nearly a third of our lives at work, relationships within the workplace can have a profound effect on our wellbeing. Interestingly, like communication, confl ict management has in the past not generally been taught in teachers’ training and so we bumble our way along and hope for the best, hopefully learning from past mistakes. Sometimes we don’t deal effectively with it at all. Confl ict can be extremely 68

WELLBEING AND CONFLICT

69

taxing on our energy and wellbeing, so learning a few confl ict management skills can save a lot of heartache. The quality of relationships in the workplace is a significant determinant to the wellbeing of people. In a workplace that values organisational health, wellbeing can be promoted where relationships are honest and supportive. Think of the times when you have worked in a school with a great team of people and how they made you feel supported and valued, and how life seemed just that much easier. However, there are times and workplaces where healthy relationships are not valued and where stress and anxiety can manifest.

The cost of conflict Some people, like children, are really skilled at ‘pushing our hot buttons’. Brothers and sisters in particular know exactly how to ‘get at’ their sibling. It can be an outright confrontation that leaves everyone exhausted. Students can do the same thing. They watch you closely and know exactly when to press the button. Don’t be naive and think that colleagues are immune to this childish behaviour, because they’re not. Some can be just as infantile as a manipulating child who wants you to react. The difference with work and friendships is that when you are at work and there is an antagonist, you can’t just leave like we can at a party or gathering with friends. You have to be with them five days a week for most of the year. Most of us may not even notice in the natural ebb and flow of the day just how much we are continually problem solving, as we deal with the myriad of different situations that arise as we interact with different personal ities in different moods. An unresolved workplace confl ict, however, can encroach on your personal life and may manifest in different ways. Maybe you are losing sleep, getting headaches and back pain or just not feeling the pizzazz you usually feel. Remember, you have a fi nite amount of time and energy. When your time and emotions are being consumed by confl ict, there’s less left over for other parts of your life. There just has to be a cost. You have to decide: How much energy am I prepared to invest in this problem; and is this confl ict worth it? That’s why learning how to minimise the impact of confl ict on our wellbeing is just so important – to everyone!


Power and conflict Confl ict is about power – its use and misuse. Like stress, it can be either positive or negative, serious or trivial. Very often we cannot control the confl ict; what we can control is our response to it. By controlling our response, we are maintaining our own power and not letting the other person’s behaviour deplete our wellbeing.

Positive conflict When the confl ict and confrontation is positive, there are significant gains in the way that people do and see things. Think of the court cases where people’s rights for recognition have been argued for or the way that workers have had to fight for safety measures in the workplace. We would never move forward or see another point of view without some small measure of confl ict. In positive confl ict, participants listen without judging and assert their point of view and needs. Power is balanced, respectful and just. This form of confl ict has brought great benefits to our world through debate about ideas and innovations. It helps our society to evolve. Imagine how boring life would be if we all barracked for the same football team, never had an argument about politics, or all ate the same food or listened to the same music. The difference in people is joyful. It gives us an edge, helps us to try different things and think about issues in other ways. ‘I haven’t thought about it that way!’ is a powerful response to positive confl ict and to the sharing of ideas. This is the same with a positive confrontation. When we assert ourselves, value ourselves and other people, our interactions are just and respectful. It is a fantasy world to think that we will agree with people all the time, so when we assert our needs and confront in a respectful manner, we can evolve, learn and move on.

Negative conflict But not all confrontation is respectful and very often we notice confl ict most when it is negative. When power is misused people can feel threatened. Power misuse means that someone is being disadvantaged, and that can make us feel angry and resentful. Unchecked, it can be dangerous and can potentially spiral out of control. Negative confl ict can diminish our wellbeing, relationships and productivity, moving our focus to the incident rather than onto a solution. Negative confl ict in the workplace can have a


71

serious impact leading to high staff turnover, low morale, absenteeism and poor public image, as well as damaging the mental and physical health of the employees. That’s why learning strategies to deal with confl ict is an important step to maintaining your power and promoting wellbeing. WELLBEING TIP Do not give your power away by letting another person’s behaviour deplete your wellbeing. You have the power to choose a response to what happens to you.

Why don’t we confront? Confrontation has such negative connotations from the press. We often relate confrontation to war, legal battles or major issues out of the realm in which we deal. A lot of people who are passive would rather fly to the moon than confront someone over their behaviour or a situation that worries them. But why? We already know that few of us effectively assert ourselves throughout our days, but when our wellbeing is being so obviously subverted, we still don’t do it. This response comes from lifelong habits. Often we are: ◗ wanting to be a peacemaker and make everything ‘nice’ ◗ wanting to be accepted as it’s easier to be part of the group ◗ putting up with bad behaviour rather than confronting, because we think it’s just easier this way.

But the most important thing to remember when we are dealing with unmanaged negative confl ict is that: Behaviour ignored is behaviour condoned.

Remember this when you are next annoyed by someone’s behaviour. It just might give you the impetus to be more assertive, rather than letting the person get away with subverting someone else or yourself!

What you can do about it Fortunately, most people operate within the bounds of what we consider appropriate behaviour. Sometimes there’s just one person who is really


difficult. Sometimes it’s a situation that causes you grief. For the amount of time you have to be at work, unresolved confl ict can be tough. If it doesn’t get better and if it doesn’t go away, you need to do something about it. The most significant thing to remember is that you have the power to keep yourself safe and to manage confl ict. If you are not used to doing this, then these skills can be learnt. It is not rocket science, but does take a blend of courage, power, assertion, empathy and practice to make it work. Don’t feel that you have to start on global issues straight off – so start small. Start with something that you know you can manage, but never really wanted to face before for whatever reason. Basically you’ve got three choices. 1 You can ignore an unresolved conf lict. Possible outcomes: ◗ It will not go away by itself and needs to be managed by someone. ◗ If it is concerning you, it is probably causing you unwanted stress and could impact on your mental and physical health. ◗ Behaviour ignored is behaviour condoned, so the person will think it’s reasonable to continue to behave in this way, because you haven’t told them anything different. In a school you need to be professional and role model conflictmanagement skills to your students.

2 You can try to change the other person or people who brought the conf lict about. Possible outcomes: ◗ Telling someone to change is fraught with difficulty and it is unlikely to work in the short term. ◗ It takes a lot of courage, which you may not be feeling while emotionally depleted. ◗ Meanwhile, the conflict still exists and you need to understand your role in the management and hopeful resolution of the situation.

3 You can change how you deal with it yourself. Possible outcomes: ◗ Change is hard for most people but dealing with it in a timely and professional manner will nip a potential escalation in the bud.


73

◗ Change the way you respond to the conflict by not letting it ‘get to you’ and deplete your wellbeing. ◗ Take responsibility for your role in the conflict, even if it’s how you have reacted or chosen to respond. Conflict is a two-way street.

WELLBEING TIP Try really hard not to blame someone else for what is happening to you. The responses you feel are chosen by you. You are the one responsible for how you feel.

Blaming wastes energy When you are feeling upset, anxious or just plain angry about a workplace confl ict, then it is really hard to see the big picture. All you can think about is how you are feeling and what this person has ‘done to you’. Once you admit that they have affected you in this way, you are admitting that they have taken your power. You have given it to them. So, stop right there and get a grip. Blame is so easy, but it is pointless and will take you on a further spiral of depletion and powerlessness. You have chosen this reaction and you have let them ‘get to you’ and erode your wellbeing. This is where your emotional maturity comes in with an understanding of the power of your resilience. You know you can deal with them and the situation. You have the power and the back-up in your resiliency skills. So, press pause and look at the big picture. Ask yourself: ‘What is it I really want?’

WELLBEING TIP Try really hard not to blame. Conflict management is about using your skills of assertion and empathy to try to come to a solution.


Begin with the end in mind 1 Try not to judge the person. 2 Look at what they are doing and saying – their behaviour, body language, tone of voice as well as the words in their message.

3 Decide your preferred outcome of the situation before you begin working on it. What do you want to happen? This gives you a clear goal to work towards and can help the other person know what you want. It is more honest and gives you a framework to start with.

4 Pick your battles and use your energy for what is most important to you. 5 Let the little things go. You don’t have to win everything. 6 Try to be flexible in your approach. If one thing doesn’t work the first time, have a back-up and know what to do next. It’s all in the planning, the strategies and the skills you can learn and practise.

7 Aim to ‘save face’ and for a win-win attitude, so that each person has ownership of the outcome. It is more likely to work that way. If you have difficulty understanding this, think of a time when you have ‘lost face’ in a conflict. How did it make you feel? Were you really committed to the outcome? Probably not if you were ‘told’ what you had to do. Think about how both sides can be part of the solution.

Responding to conflict The vast majority of people we deal with in schools and life are basically good natured, have empathy and try to make things work for others. But then there may be one in a crowd that just pushes your buttons and often it is when you least expect it. We don’t put up with it with students, so why would we with colleagues? These people who abuse others are really skilled at hijacking you when you least expect it. They wait until you are off guard and unprepared for the onslaught. Don’t forget that if they have been doing this for a lifetime (and probably getting away with it!) they will be very skilled in their sabotage and manipulation of others. Remember that you have your personal power, so don’t play their game. Demonstrate emotional maturity by choosing your response and not reacting.


75

You’ve got three choices. We already know that you can’t change the other person in the short term, so look at how you can change your reaction. 1 You can avoid them. The consequence: You are condoning their behaviour and nothing will be resolved. 2 You can try to def lect their anger, agree that it is a problem and handball it to someone else. The consequence: Deflecting a person’s anger is difficult especially when they are really skilled at manipulating power. It doesn’t solve the problem and it is not a good strategy in the long term. 3 You can try to resolve or manage their anger by not reacting and having practised strategies to deal with them. The consequence: You have maintained your power and self-respect and demonstrated to them that their behaviour is not appropriate. This requires thought-out strategies and practice, and it is possible. It is important that you press pause and try really hard to be polite and respectful, using an even tone of voice. Avoid using sarcasm and be courteous. You do not need to engage in another’s verbal abuse. If you react to anger with anger (which is really easy to do!), it is more than likely that the situation will escalate and will continue to be unresolved.

Keeping yourself safe by predicting the ambush People who systematically misuse power at the expense of others are really good at it! It’s hard to beat them at their game if you are not used to confronting. So, a good idea is to take the time to do a personal audit and try to predict the person, the situation and the behaviour so you have thought of some strategies to maintain your power and promote your wellbeing. This is a way of setting a ‘confl ict wellbeing structure’ around you, so when you are upset by the behaviour of another, you have already trained yourself to deal with it. In this way you will be more likely to respond, rather than react, in a powerful and assertive manner.


1 2 3 4

Be aware that conflict is a risk to your wellbeing. Identify the risks to your wellbeing. Control the risks through skills and strategies. Review how you are going on a regular basis.

What you can do Firstly, and most importantly, when someone is in a fury remember that ‘no one is home’ in their thought processes. Their adrenal glands have kicked in and they are in ‘fight’ mode, so they are not using their brain. The last thing they are going to do is listen to you with empathy! They won’t be rational, so don’t waste your energy. The aim is to keep yourself safe from their abuse. You can do the following: 1

Remember that you have the power to determine how you feel. Do not let the perpetrators of abuse deplete your wellbeing.

2 Press pause on your reaction and think of a response. 3 Do not react, it will fuel the fire and potentially spiral out of control. If you react angrily, you may lose face in their eyes and they will think they have won. If they are using bad language or personal attacks try really hard to sift through the language and emotion and look for the meaning.

4 Don’t ignore the person because being ignored only makes people more angry, so choose the response in your own time and treat them with positive regard.

5 Take a few moments to breathe deeply in and out to create space and get oxygen to your brain to control your response. You don’t have to respond to their agenda, so know that you can choose your own time. They have already ‘lost it’, so why work to their timetable of emotion? You have your own, so feel your power and use it. A few seconds won’t matter. Remember that you can’t control what people think of you, and it’s all about keeping yourself safe.

6 Think about the outcome you want and use a big dose of empathy. This can be really hard to do when they have abused you, and that is why more often than not, you need time to diffuse your own emotions.

7 If you choose to respond to them choose your words carefully, respectfully and with an even tone of voice. Hold your ground, be professional and wait until the worst is over.

8 Don’t be afraid to ask them what they want. The truth always works best and saves energy. (Unless they are violent – then do and say what you have to, to keep yourself safe.)


77

9 Try to save face for both of you and if you subtly agree with some things they say, then it’s impossible for them to continue with their anger.

10 If the person continues to abuse you, know that you can walk away gracefully. Tell them you are prepared to talk with them when they have calmed down. And, if this happens, make another time to discuss the issue when they feel calmer. Give it a day or so, which gives you the oppor tunity to take stock and decide on what you want to happen. It may also help them to reflect on their behaviour.

11 Make sure you follow up and calmly tell them that you do not like to be abused and that you would like them not to do it again. Once you have dealt with the behaviour, get onto the issues at hand.

12 Learn from others. Friends and colleagues may have been in a similar situation. Ask them about the strategies they used and how they worked. Find your own system based on these guidelines and your values. Remember that you don’t have to reinvent the wheel!

A CHALLENGE 1 Who are the people in your life that cause you grief? 2 What do they do to detract from your wellbeing? Name the behaviour and/or attitude.

3 How do they affect you, physically, psychologically and emotionally? 4 Think of the ways you can practise strategies to prevent them affecting your wellbeing.

5 Write them down. 6 Practise with friends. Practise until it becomes second nature. Who causes you grief?

How do they affect you?

What can you do to stop this?


Workplace bullying – a more serious form of conflict Bullying in the workplace is another form of confl ict and is far more serious than the daily encounters most of us experience. WorkSafe Victoria describe workplace bullying in their Guidance Note as ‘repeated, unreasonable behaviour directed towards an employee or a group of employees, that creates a risk to health and safety’ (WorkSafe, 2003). What is important to understand about bullying is that the primary factor is the misuse of power. The misuse means that one person has used their power to subvert another. That is why it is important to learn how to keep your power and only let it go if you choose.

What does bullying look like? The most common form of bullying is loud and abusive language that involves yelling, screaming and unexplained rages. It can also be unjustified criticisms and insults that aim to undermine the confidence and professionalism of a person. Constant humiliation and exclusion are also common, as are deliberately withholding information that is vital for effective work performance. It can involve giving employees impossible assignments with deadlines that are impossible to meet. The common features are that power is misused and a person’s physical and mental health and safety is at risk. When this type of deliberate confl ict is taking place, your employer has a responsibility to keep you safe. You also have a responsibility to keep yourself safe while at work. If you feel that bullying is occurring in your school, whether from a colleague, leader, parent or student, you need to check your school’s policies and procedures to be clear about what you should do. If your school doesn’t have these policies or if they do have them and they don’t make sense or need upgrading, then ask for it to be done. All staff should be trained in their rights and responsibilities regarding workplace bullying. Once people are aware of what it is, the effect it can have and the ways that it can be controlled, it is likely that: ◗ Inadvertent perpetrators of bullying will probably stop, as they previously had no idea of how their behaviour was affecting other people (it’s a great way of nipping potential situations in the bud).


79

◗ Targets of bullying behaviours will realise that this is unreasonable and they can learn how to stand up for their rights. ◗ Deliberate offenders are more likely to be deterred because people now know that their behaviour is unacceptable and have the skills to deal with them. ◗ School leaders will demonstrate to their staff that bullying has no place in the culture of your school and will take steps to eradicate it.

Fortunately, for most confl ict that occurs in schools, using your power of assertion and determination that another person is not going to deplete your wellbeing is enough to manage the situation. Just remember that you have the power to manage confl ict and can choose how you will respond to it. Tap into your personal power and practise the skills to manage these difficult situations.

REMEMBER Change is hard for most people. Difficult people find it even harder to change. If things are going to get better, you’ll have to take responsibility for the changes. It’s up to you to put difficult people and conflicts in perspective if you’re going to protect your wellbeing.

WELLBEING TIP Take a deep breath, harness your own power and invest in yourself by asserting your needs. Life will be easier and you’ll have more fun and energy for the things that you want to do, and have to do – like teach.

Summary ◗ Conflict can be both positive and negative. ◗ Unmanaged conflict will deplete your power, energy and wellbeing and it can make you sick. ◗ Negative conflict and bullying behaviours involve the misuse of power.


◗ Behaviour ignored is behaviour condoned. ◗ You have the power to choose how you respond in a conflict situation. ◗ Empathy and saving face are invaluable when finding a solution to conflict. ◗ Prepare and practise strategies to keep yourself safe at work. ◗ Don’t let another person’s behaviour deplete your wellbeing.

FURTHER READING ◗ In Victoria, WorkSafe have produced an excellent overview of workplace bullying. It can be downloaded. Go to: http://www.worksafe.vic.gov.au/ wps/wcm/resources/file/ebd87343a012d0f/preventbullying.pdf. ◗ Bolton, R. (2001). People skills. Sydney: Simon & Schuster, offers a comprehensive study of conflict-management skills.

s i x

Wellbeing and setting goals

The saying that ‘life is too short’ is so very true. When we get caught up with everything we need to do in a busy life, we seem to blink and another day, another week and another month have slipped by. Then it’s Christmas again and we wonder what on Earth happened to the time! Just think how quickly the last decade went! Life seems to move faster and faster as we try to jam in all the things we have to do and look after all the people in our lives: work, family, friends and other commitments. Teachers in particular are really skilled at putting themselves last. So, the challenge for you in this chapter is to take some time to think about how you want to spend your valuable time – your life. Most of us want to make the most out of our lives, but often we don’t know what to do or where to start. It takes courage to make changes in our lives and there are wonderful benefits for our self-confidence, wellbeing and energy. Setting goals is one of those things that we hear a lot about, but not many of us do it. It’s really strange that we can be so busy in our lives that we don’t take time to work out what is important for the life we really want. Setting goals is about designing the life we want rather than just earning a living. It is especially important for educators to be a role model for students. To be the best possible teacher you need to be the best possible person and this can be achieved by modelling the skills of hope, power and control. People who challenge themselves offer students a great opportunity to also plan their lives effectively.

81


WELLBEING TIP You have the power to create the life that you imagined.

Think of the times you’ve been a passenger in a car, another person is driving and they are in control of the route, making all the decisions. It can be really frustrating when you know the ‘best way’ to get to your destination and then they go the ‘long way’ around and get caught in traffic. If you were driving, you know it would be a quicker and more direct journey. This is just like our lives when we rely on other people to guide us; it is natural that they will take the road that they know. It makes sense, because we are all different. Their way isn’t the wrong way; it’s just different to the one you may choose to take. This means that when it comes to your life, you can’t rely on others to show you the way. If what is happening to you now doesn’t suit you, then you have to take a deep breath and make the decision to make the necessary changes and do what you want. Life is too short!

Setting goals – why bother? Quite simply, setting goals works! Planning what you really want and how you want to feel is one of the most important investments you can make in your life and your wellbeing. It helps create a sense of moving forward and not getting stuck year after year. You are the only one who is responsible for making this happen. No one is going to do it for you. By setting goals, you can work towards them, enjoy the sense of accomplishment in achieving them and build your wellbeing and self-confidence as well. It’s a win-win for you!

WELLBEING TIP Setting goals helps define what you want. Life’s too short to live someone else’s. Determining how you want to feel and what you want to do is a very powerful form of investing in your wellbeing and long-term health.

WELLBEING AND SETTING GOALS

83

Fear and change WELLBEING TIP A fear is a goal in reverse. Don’t let your fears make your decisions!

Change is all around us and the world moves so fast. It is inevitable that nothing will ever stay the same. We can buckle our seat in the rollercoaster of life and let it carry us or we can make the choice to feel our own power and control what we can – ourselves. When we change, we grow. Of course, if everything is great in your life and you’re fulfi lled, you will choose to continue to live as you already do. But if you want change, you need to recognise you have the power to do it. We already know about the power of the brain. It is an amazing organ that can provide you with so much richness in life with memories of people, experiences and joy. And we know, too, that if you let it, your brain can sink you into negativity and pessimism. Likewise, it can also come up with a multitude of reasons why you don’t achieve what you really want. You can tell yourself all the excuses to stay the same: that the time is not right, that you don’t have enough of it or maybe you don’t have enough money. Maybe your brain is also saying that you don’t know enough, you’re too stressed and that other people may not approve of your goals. You can be scared of failure, fear disapproval, lack confidence, feel frustrated, lack motivation and lack the skills to go about defi ning what you really want. Be assured that most people will feel this way, but it is only your brain controlling how you feel, and the main reason is that you are allowing this to happen. So, using the power you know you have, make the decision to change your thinking patterns and how you see yourself. You have the power to shift the negative to the positive. You can think of a thousand reasons why something is not possible, but equally, if you allow it, you can come up with as many reasons why it is possible. You just have to decide that you want change more than you want to keep the excuses and habits that are comfortable for you, and to take that first step in investing in yourself.


WELLBEING TIP Remember, the mind can be trained like the body. You just need to decide to do it. You can put your reasons ‘why not’ to the back of your thought processes and force the reasons ‘why’ to the front of your mind. You have the power to do this.

So, deciding what you want and when is the fi rst step. You need to take a risk, but this risk is a calculated one because you are in control. You are in the driver’s seat and determining your own route. Most of us don’t set goals because we are scared – of either failure and/ or success. You need to understand that failure doesn’t exist in real life. It’s just our brains telling us so, determining our attitude and our perception of ourselves. People who risk nothing, achieve nothing – risking nothing is the greatest hazard of all and you can only blame yourself when you are disappointed with what is happening or not happening. The fear of success can be equally as daunting. The changes that you will make by achieving your goals means there will be an effect on the relationships you have in your life and other people may not change at the same pace or in the same way. This shift may be confusing for some; however, you need to remember that you are the foundation of all your relationships. Relationships will change anyway – at least this way you are controlling the change for the betterment of your wellbeing.

Regret and mistakes Living with regret consumes our energy for living in the present. It makes us stuck in the past. How many times have we said to ourselves, or heard others say, ‘If only…’: ◗ I had bought that house twenty years ago. ◗ I had not let that person bully me. ◗ I had not moved to this school. ◗ I had not put on all this weight. ◗ I had spent more time with my loved ones.

and so on.


85

We all have regrets and disappointments and we’ve all made mistakes. It’s part of life. However, we know it can become habit to dwell on them, to ruminate and regret. But the past is over and it’s gone forever. All experiences whether good or bad have made you the person you are today. So, recognise them, understand what has happened and why, and then move on. What you have now is the present and it is very precious, as is your energy for making the most of every day. Setting goals helps you avoid repeating these situations from the past. Letting go of the past and determining what you want now is a major factor in maximising your wellbeing. (See Chapter 3 for more information on rumination.) Allowing your brain to focus on disappointments and problems only leads you in a roundabout of inaction and regret. So, take a deep breath and think about how you want to feel and what you now want to do, then move on. It’s up to you and only you.

WELLBEING TIP To change the notion of fear into goals, you need to change the way you think about yourself. You need to understand that you are capable of anything you put your mind to, that you have the courage to make the decisions that will improve your wellbeing and that you have the power to design the life you want.

Setting goals has lots of benefits. It: ◗ helps you to decide what is important ◗ is a great motivator ◗ enhances your wellbeing and builds your self-confidence by creating a sense of control when you plan goals and a definite sense of achievement when you accomplish them.

Living in your comfort zone versus courage zone Sometimes we get stuck on the daily treadmill, resenting work, resenting some people and becoming increasingly frustrated and overwhelmed.


Thinking that this is all there is in life can be depressing. This feeling comes about because we are not in control and we are letting other people’s agendas determine our wellbeing. In the long term, this sense of a lack of control actually undermines your wellbeing and can make you feel negative and miserable. It can also be part of being in your comfort zone where everything is predictable. But if you want change, you need to move out of your comfort zone, into your courage zone. Once you become used to it, being courageous in life can become addictive because it helps build your resilience and sense of power. If you decide that you are not happy with what you are doing now, the first step is to understand that you have the power to make the changes you need. The big picture is worth working towards. Changing what you do, how you feel, how you respond to what happens to you and your expectations of yourself, will take you where you want. Continuing to be the same person, doing the same things despite the changes around you and feeling the frustration of this, means that you are not living to your potential. If you are scared about making decisions because you may fail, then remember, the only failure will be not giving it a go at all. Your comfort zone does just that. It makes you feel comfortable and familiar. By its nature it is risk free. Your comfort zone could be: ◗ feeling sure about everything and everyone ◗ being with the same people and doing the same things every day.

When you have lived for a long time in your comfort zone, to move out into one’s courage zone can create fear. But allowing fear to rule your life is a perfect way to sabotage your dreams and your growth as a person. Your courage zone is there for you to explore. It involves everything that you want but may find uncomfortable: uncertainty, pressure and change from what you now know. Your courage zone could include things like: ◗ learning a new skill ◗ working through the hard times ◗ taking a risk or grasping an opportunity ◗ having a difficult conversation ◗ being brave and adventurous ◗ being more assertive in your relationships.


87

WELLBEING TIP You only have the now, so giving something a go is one of the most successful things you can do. Not doing it because you are scared is the only failure you will have. Invest in yourself, promote your resilience and feel your power of choice.

It’s all about you We are all different and have our own needs, dreams and destinies. Comparing ourselves with others is natural, but is also a waste of energy. There will always be someone who is thinner, better looking, smarter or richer. This is the time to be selfish and think about yourself fi rst. Make sure your goals are centred on you and not measured in comparison to others. It is only you who can define and measure your success. You aren’t competing with anyone else – just yourself. Setting goals gives you freedom and the opportunity to make decisions just for yourself. We already know that getting swept up in the urgent things in life, which is usually determined by other people’s agendas, detracts from you spending time on what is important. Setting goals gives you the structure to focus on what is important to you and you alone. It provides you with opportunity, it relieves boredom, gives you energy, and releases you from mediocrity and apathy. It gives you purpose and drive and creates a strong foundation for your wellbeing.

Looking at your reality Most of us at some stage in our lives have some area that we want to change and spend more or less time on. You need to decide, from the urgent to the important things that you do, what is nourishing you and what is depleting you. From there you can decide on the changes you want. So, take some time out just for you and give yourself the space to reflect. This is an important aspect of your investment. Think about what you are doing now, how it makes you feel, and ask yourself if it is what you really want. If you are fully content with every aspect of your life now, congratulations and skip the whole next section!


But if you are like most of the rest of us in the world, there will be some areas that will probably need attention. The key is to be aware of what is happening, how it is making you feel and what change, if any, is necessary.

So how do you make a plan? Okay, if you have decided that you want to change some aspect of your life, the best way to do it is to write down your goal. Always write it in a positive form as the mind needs to focus on where it is going and, remember, it goes where it is told. It’s just like someone saying to a tightrope walker ‘Don’t fall!’ What’s going to happen then, I wonder …

Make it possible to achieve Break up the goal into bite-sized pieces. The old story of taking the first step in a thousand-mile march is a good motivator. Nothing happens on its own. You have to make it happen. Be kind to yourself and make your goals achievable while still trying something you never have before. Sometimes knowing what you want can be quite difficult, so a good place to start is to look at what is happening right now. To practise making goals, ask yourself: ◗ What is it that I want to change and what do I want to achieve?

Goals can be divided up into any areas you like, but to give you a starting point, here are some areas. Ask yourself what you really want to do in all or some of these areas: 1 Artistic: Have you been wanting to take singing/guitar/dancing lessons? 2 Attitude: Do you want to be more assertive, less quick to anger or more positive?

3 Career: Is what you are doing really what you want? If not, what is? 4 Education: Is there a course/study you have always wanted to do? 5 Family and friends: Do you spend time with the people who are important to you?

6 Health and wellbeing: Are you as fit and strong as you would like? If not, what are you going to do about it?

7 Fun and passion: What really excites you and you want to do more of? 8 Community: How can you contribute to your local community?


89

WELLBEING TIP It’s all about your attitude. Visualise how you will feel when you achieve your goal. Begin with the end in sight and then work backwards and break your goal down into achievable parts. This will encourage and motivate you. It’s inspirational to visualise ourselves doing just what we have always imagined!

Your challenge Now you have worked out your categories, the fun time is to simply brainstorm ideas into each one. If you make lots of goals in one section then old habits of the past may sabotage your intent, so keep it simple.

The SMARTER model You could use the SMARTER model. Writing your goals down is far more powerful than just thinking about them. And it means you won’t forget them either. S = Specif ic How will I measure success? Make your goal specific and positive. If you want to be fitter and lose weight, put it in terms of ‘I will be stronger and fitter by losing 5 kilograms in four months’ and so on. M = Myself It’s all about what you want. Set a priority for your goals. If achieving your goals is dependent on your wellbeing, look after your wellbeing fi rst and you will achieve all the others more easily. A = Attainable Setting realistic goals will give you a greater chance of success. Make sure they suit you and they are attainable. If you set them too low, the sense of achievement will be less and if they are too high, and you don’t achieve them, it will be very discouraging and you may give up. Try to fi nd a balance.


R = Review It’s important to recognise how you are going by reviewing and being flexible. So, if you come across hindrances, then plan an alternative route. It’s like driving the car again. Sometimes there are roadworks that impede your journey. Just fi nd another route to meet your goal. T = Timed Setting a deadline to achieve it by will keep you on track, so set a time limit. By nature of being human we know we are skilled at procrastinating and putting off the inevitable. E = Ecological Your values are very important, so don’t let your goals clash with other areas in your life. R = Reward Celebrate your success! Think about how far you have come from first deciding to change. Now recognise you’re in control and are on the road to designing your own life. Keep going with your renewed self-confidence and start working towards your next goal.

REMEMBER Setting goals can become addictive. It’s a simple structure and it works. So, make it a life habit and live your potential. Your wellbeing and passion for life will thank you for it.

Summary ◗ You have the power to design your own life. ◗ Nothing changes if nothing changes. ◗ Don’t let your fears make your decisions. ◗ You have the power to be courageous in your life.


91

◗ Invest in yourself and take the time to really think about what you want and how you will achieve it. ◗ Life is too short not to live the life you have imagined.

FURTHER READING ◗ Denis Waitley has a helpful website that deals with practical strategies to deal with personal wellbeing. Go to: http://www.deniswaitley.com. You can subscribe to his monthly e-zine. Check out his e-zines regarding the importance of setting goals and wellbeing. ◗ Andrew McCombe has written an e-book that gives a wide scope to learning how to achieve your goals in various areas of your life. It can be downloaded by going to: http://www.activateyourlife.com.au.

seve n

Wellbeing and balance

Like stress, there’s a lot written about life/work balance, but what does it really mean? Our lives don’t start when we get home from teaching all day. Every moment of every day is a precious part of our life. Learning the skills of balancing both aspects of our lives is one of the smartest things we can do because it makes us feel more powerful, resilient, healthy and happy. Balance creates the harmony we need so that daily stressors don’t deplete our vitality and relationships, whether at work or at home. Investing in our balance helps promote resiliency for times when life is tough and it gives us a strong foundation to be a person who has the energy to live a powerful and productive life. It means you will have more energy and focus for what matters, the times of feeling angst or out of control are less, and life just becomes easier. Creating a balance in life isn’t difficult. Just like with the other sections in this book, it’s about being aware of what is happening now, deciding whether what you are doing is nourishing or depleting you, and determining the changes you may need to make. Your investment in your balance promotes health, resilience and a sense of power. It’s addictive and benefits not just you, but colleagues, students, family and friends. It’s a win-win for everyone! Remember, you have the power to: 1 2 3 4 5

be proactive in your life and to value your wellbeing and time be guided by your values be honest with yourself learn the art of patience live in the present 92

WELLBEING AND BALANCE

6 7 8 9 10

93

keep things simple nourish yourself with good food, oxygen, exercise and rest protect yourself from oxygen depleters not take yourself too seriously and have more fun be courageous in life.

The power of being proactive in your life and valuing your wellbeing Your energy is your life. How much you value your life, and how you interact with others, is a major determinant in promoting your wellbeing. Every morning ask yourself: ◗ What am I going to do today that makes the best use of my time and energy? ◗ How much energy am I prepared to invest in each situation and how does that nourish or deplete my wellbeing? ◗ What boundaries will I put around me to protect myself from situations that may detract from my wellbeing? ◗ What am I going to do today that nourishes me as a person?

Being proactive means questioning your habits from the past. Am I lying on the couch glued to television for hours on end or can I make the choice to turn it off and do something that nourishes me? Is the television news coverage I’m watching disturbing me to the stage that I feel depleted? Using time by watching too much television is a grand excuse not to get up and start achieving the goals that you want. And very often the excuse you may give is that you ‘don’t have enough time’! So, instead of watching actors and actresses on television living their lives, feel the power of choice to get up off the couch and live your own! Instead of making excuses, find a way to make the things you want to happen … happen. Appreciate the force of your personal power and feel the strength in choosing your attitude and determining how you want to feel. We know we can be consumed by the urgent things in our lives, but we also know that we have the power to value the important. To be more proactive, choose instead to invest in the things in life that move you forward and those that nurture you. You know you can’t control what other people think of you, so invest your energy into what you can change – you, and let go of the rest!


WELLBEING TIP Good habits like bad habits need to be learnt, so practise being discerning with your time and energy each day, until it becomes habit. The long-term benefits will be powerful. Being proactive and setting a wellbeing safety structure around you offers you freedom, greater choice and more honest, enduring relationships.

The power to be guided by your values We know that when we choose the important things in life to guide us, our values come to the fore. They are the glue that sticks us together and are what we can revert to instinctively when times are tough. You have determined your values and what is important in your life already, so find ing balance is about not letting the urgent and other people’s agendas determine your wellbeing. It’s about holding true to your foundation as a person and then understanding that everything will fi nd its place around you and what you hold dear. This is a great boost for your resilience and a positive habit to invest in. Don’t let other people’s behaviour undermine your values. Feel the power of being guided by what is important to you.

The power to be honest with yourself The harshest critic of yourself is you, so to maximise your wellbeing it is important to live according to your values. When you feel anger, anxiety or frustration, take time to recognise what is pushing your buttons. Ask yourself: ‘Why am I reacting in this way? What can I do to minimise this sense so that my wellbeing isn’t eroded?’ You have the power to choose your attitude and your response to what happens, so be honest with yourself and the people around you. Everyone benefits! Being hard on yourself is common also. Turn off that negative thought switch, tell the negative thoughts to ‘go away’ and shift your energy into thoughts and experiences that nourish you. You have the power to do this. When something goes wrong, again you can be your worst critic. It’s so easy to beat yourself up and ruminate on ‘what could have been’. Try


95

really hard to not wallow in your mistakes and remind yourself you are only human. Look closely and honestly at what has happened, correct what you can, and then let go. You have done all you can, it is over, so you have to move on. Living in a cloud of regret is depleting, it makes you miss out on the present and it saps your precious energy for enjoying what you have now. So, make the choice to reflect, deal with what has happened and then move on to make the most of every moment you have. Know that the most important conversations are the ones that you have with yourself. Being honest is a great wellbeing investment.

The power to learn the art of patience When you feel pressured or stressed it is really easy to forget the art of patience with yourself and other people. Being patient demonstrates that you are respectful, to yourself and to others. It is easy to slip into reacting to a situation rather than choosing your response. Think of a time when someone pressured you to accept that their agenda was more important than yours and your mind raced to a myriad of thoughts about that person. It is a natural reaction to judge people and jump to conclusions about them; however, judging others, whether it is students, colleagues or friends, can detract from your wellbeing. It can lead to misunderstandings, confl ict and wasted energy. Another aspect of patience is your impatience when someone is speaking. Think of the times when a student, colleague or family member is telling you something and your mind is in a thousand different places from what is happening. When you are physically, mentally and emotionally in the present you can listen in a more authentic manner. Let them express how they feel, and try really hard not to interrupt. Use the skill of empathy to imagine the times when you were talking to someone and they were either not fully listening or interrupting all the time. Frustrating, wasn’t it? Enjoying the art of patience with yourself is a major contributor to your wellbeing. Because you are human, let go and realise you aren’t perfect! Be kind to yourself and let go of the harshness on yourself. Promote your balance by learning the art of patience.


The power to live in the present Worry can be a major detractor from your wellbeing. It is important to recognise when and why you begin to worry. Know that you have the power to ‘nip worry in the bud’ by making the choice to better use your energy and to practise the skills of optimistic thinking. Past mistakes and disappointments are part of everyone’s lives. To nourish your wellbeing, recognise them, reflect on why they happened and maybe your role in it, and then use your personal power to turn off the ‘negativity switch’ in your brain. Deliberately move onto thoughts that nourish you. Yesterday is gone forever. We have no control over it and cannot change anything. So, let it go, put your energy into what you can change – your present. Worrying about the future also is very real, thinking about what may happen, what may not and a myriad of thoughts that deplete your reality now. You have no control over the future, so again, don’t waste your precious energy on what may never happen. Don’t allow the spiral of worry to deplete the only reality you have – the now. It clouds your vision and consumes your energy from what you should be doing. You only have enough energy to focus on one thing properly at a time, so give your present and your purpose the highest regard. Choose to live every moment you have right now, to the best of your ability. Everyone in your life will benefit – especially you!

The power to keep things simple Let’s face it, life is complicated enough without you adding to it. Society often rates the worth of a person by how busy they are but you know when you jam too many things into a day something just has to give. When you are feeling this way and rushing around, ask yourself: ‘What choices can I make to avoid rushing and what can I do to simplify what I’m doing to retain more energy?’ Ask the question: ‘Why?’ Communication can also be complicated. Make your life easier by focusing on simple and honest forms of communication; coupled with a simple delivery it will minimise misunderstandings that you know may lead to confl ict. So, be confident with what you want, simple and assertive in how you demonstrate it and the winner will be your energy, selfconfidence, relationships and wellbeing.


97

The power to nourish yourself with good food, oxygen, exercise and rest Your body is the only one you are going to get, so investing in it and finding the balance that works for you will benefit all aspects of your life.

Food, glorious food We are constantly told that we are what we eat. And this is because it’s true. The energy you need in your life is from food, so it makes sense that the more nutritious the food is that you put into your body, the greater the energy you will have to enjoy your day. You wouldn’t put dirty fuel or oil into your car engine, yet often that is what people do with their bodies. Maximise your body’s physical and mental potential with nutritious energy. Getting into the habit of healthy eating can be confronting at fi rst, but once you do it, it can become addictive because it makes you feel good. It is your metabolism that drives you, so when thinking about healthy eating, focus on what you can do to raise this level. Eating five to six smaller meals a day will keep your metabolism steady so that you don’t feel peaks of hunger and then the lethargy of too much food. Often stress can become overwhelming when you are hungry because there just isn’t enough fuel to keep you going! Filling your fridge with healthy food is a great start. When you feel like you need to eat something, or pack your lunch for work, then you are faced with a choice of sustainable foods. Snacking on high fat or carbohydrate foods may be a short-term fi x to the hunger, but it won’t sustain you for what your brain needs. Try to swap that packet of chips or chocolate for a handful of almonds that will feed your brain. Eat more protein such as beans, nuts, eggs and fish. Minimise the amount of dairy fats that you consume and try to avoid eating that big bowl of carbohydrate-fi lled pasta at night. Your body doesn’t need the energy then and it will be stored as fat. Fruit and vegetables are great energy foods and they will sustain you and make you feel good. Eating breakfast is mandatory for the efficient use of energy throughout your day. Not only will it give your metabolism a kick-start for the day, but it will help you avoid snacking. People who skip breakfast are more prone to put on weight and become lethargic. Eating a breakfast that is high in fibre and low in sugar with whole grains and nuts is a great boost to getting


your digestive system working for your day. So, do your body a favour each day and nutritionally ‘break your fast’. Although you may want to have a coffee for that mandatory ‘caffeine fi x’, do try to minimise it. If you have to, have one good coffee a day and drink tea in between (preferably green tea for its anti-oxidant benefits). A glass of wine or a beer after work is very tempting. So is the next and then the next one, especially in times of high stress. Try to minimise your alcohol intake, and if you are going to drink wine, drink red wine to maximise the anti-oxidant effect. Try to have at least two or three alcoholfree days, to give your liver time to replenish itself. Drinking alcohol can be a habit, so ask yourself: ‘Do I really want this or is it habit that I go and open the bottle?’ We all know the benefits of drinking water and we really should take notice. It’s a wonderful way to flush away toxins that are stored in your body, making it more fi nely tuned to provide you with the energy you need. Drinking at least two litres of water a day will have a significant effect on your hydration, your wellbeing and energy levels. Being aware of what you put into your body is very powerful. Making the choice to invest in your physical strength will nourish your wellbeing, give you more energy and help you to make the most of every day.

Get up and get going Exercise is a great de-stressor and energy booster. Increasingly, our lives have become more sedentary; as we are doing less, we are eating more and so people around the world are putting on weight. Focusing your strength physically as well as mentally is a very powerful stimulant to your wellbeing. When you play sport, ride a bike, walk or go to the gym you are able to let go of the pressures of the day. The body’s natural endorphins kick in and make you feel great with a natural high. Exercise brings more oxygen and blood to your body and brain, which helps you to focus and to perform better. It can improve your attitude, calm your emotions and give an overall boost to your health, vitality and energy for life. It’s really easy to increase your physical activity. You don’t have to run the marathon, but you could be conscious of being sedentary. Choose to walk up the stairs instead of taking the lift; go for a walk in the morning to energise or in the evening to unwind. A really easy way of solving a


99

problem or getting more perspective on a situation is to remove yourself and simply go for a walk. It relieves your pressure, gives you space to think or enables you to simply enjoy the fresh air. Weight gain can be another issue that depletes wellbeing. So, if you feel you are putting on weight, just remember that you have the power to make the changes. By simply eating less and doing more, you can control your weight.

WELLBEING TIP By being consistent, you can make physical activity part of your day and, who knows, you may even enjoy it. You will sleep better, have more energy and enjoy the benefits of everything you do. So will the people around you!

Fill your lungs with life Like food and water, oxygen gives us life. Too often in a pressured situation your body will resort to shallow breathing, which can exacerbate stress. Your brain and body need sufficient oxygen to work properly, so try to remember during your day to take deep breaths into your lungs and deeply breathe out to rid yourself of toxins – and stress. It is a natural and free way to control your response to daily stressors. When you breathe deeply, it gives you the space to choose how you will respond and it feeds your brain. Being aware of your oxygen intake is a great way to balance your moods and when you make it a habit you will enjoy the extra energy and sense of peace.

The benefits of rest and relaxation A lot of additional stress in your life can come from inadequate rest. Many people exist on inadequate sleep and this is a certain way to deplete energy and wellbeing. To maximise your wellbeing, you need to value the benefits that quality rest can give your mind and body. Getting a good eight hours’ sleep each night is very important. It nourishes your immune system, helps you cope with the pressures of your day and helps maintain your sense of humour! Everyone will love you for it!

100

PERSONAL WELLBEING

Getting into the habit of simply resting each day will teach your mind to switch off from everything and everyone for that time. Some people do it with meditation techniques, some by having quiet time alone. Knowing that you can do this is really important as it will nourish and sustain your strength for when you need it. If you find it difficult to sleep at night it is probably because the pressures of the day are permeating your rest. Maybe you are ruminating about all the things that you ‘should have done’, have ‘forgotten to do’, or what you ‘have to do tomorrow’. It might be a difficult person in your workplace that is making your mind race. By making the choice to feel more powerful and not to be depleted by other people’s behaviour, you will have more energy reserves. This may not happen overnight, but you need to start somewhere, some time. It makes sense that if you choose to minimise the risks to your wellbeing by day, it will reduce the pressure you feel and help in your ability to sleep and rejuvenate at night. Don’t be afraid to have a nap. Siestas are highly recommended and just twenty minutes in a day is beneficial. If you sleep more than that, you can wake feel ing sluggish and unfocused. There is strong evidence that it does our bodies good to stop during the day and recharge. It helps with your product ivity and ability to cope, so get over the guilt, invest in yourself and enjoy the benefits. Great nappers in the world include Bill Gates, Winston Churchill, Napoleon, John F. Kennedy and Albert Einstein – and these people aren’t remembered for wasting time! Feel space in your life. Make the decision to invest in yourself and take the time just to do nothing. This goes against the edicts of our ‘busy’ world but it is a powerful rejuvenator. The responsibilities of your life may make this really difficult with work, home, children, family and friends. But it is possible. If you don’t organise it for yourself, do you really think someone in your life will do it for you? So, if you are constantly at the beck and call of everyone else, then it will be you who suffers. Write in your diary a time each day/week that is just your time. Treat it as a commitment, like a meeting that you can’t get out of. You may have to train those around you to respect this, but if you don’t respect your need for space fi rst and value its benefits, then how can you imagine anyone else doing it for you? Keep at them to understand this is part of who you are and what you need to be the best possible person for them. Treat yourself – go for a walk, see a movie, just have a lie down. Go and sit quietly in a park or coffee shop and read that book you’ve been meaning


101

to read for so long. It doesn’t have to be complicated or cost you money. Luxuriate in it.

WELLBEING TIP Train your mind to get used to the new habits and be patient with yourself. The additional benefits of coping better, having more energy and a better sense of humour will kick in with the endorphins. Feeling happy, healthy and energised is addictive. Every day do something that will enhance your wellbeing. Celebrate your successes. And keep going. The long-term benefits to yourself and your relationships cannot be underestimated.

The power to protect yourself from oxygen depleters We already know that these are the people who are the emotional vampires in our lives, who suck our energy and leave us feeling depleted. A major boost to your wellbeing is to take them out of your life. Assert your needs to let them know that you are not interested in what they are saying or how they are making you feel. It may be difficult at first, but once you have been successful, even with one person, the amount of energy you now have for yourself is amazing. The dread of that phone call and the time they take to whine and whinge about their lives is gone. It is liberating. It is powerful. Feel the joy of being with people who support and nourish you. If you feel at times that you are the depleter, use your skills of empathy and imagine how the other person is feeling. Ask yourself: ‘What has been the legacy of my time with them?’ You have the choice to make a positive or negative impact on those around you, so try to harness your energy into the positive mode.

The power to have more fun Fun is an attitude and not a skill. As teachers, we can take ourselves too seriously. Often under pressure, it can be our sense of humour and ability to have fun that is fi rst to go, making everything seem harder. Laughter


makes us feel good and is a natural stimulant. It releases the much-needed endorphins into our brain, raises our serotonin levels and gives us a natural high. Ask yourself: 1

When was the last time I had a good laugh? Each day try to bring humour into your experiences. Instead of watching the depressing news or the latest American crime murder on television, make a choice to watch something that makes you laugh. Be with people who share your sense of humour.

2 When was the last time I played like a child and had fun? It’s easy for us adults to be worried about what other people think, but we now know we can’t control that. So, let it go, and do what makes you feel good. If it’s kicking a footy around a park or riding a rollercoaster, do it and feel the joy.

WELLBEING TIP Laughter and fun are addictive. They are natural, they are free and they are contagious. Do it whenever you can!

The power to be courageous in life Courage is defined as the mental or moral strength to venture, persevere and withstand danger, fear or difficulty. It is derived from the French word coeur meaning heart. Being courageous even in small ways will create shifts in your reality. Once you bring courage into the equation, your choices and goals will be easier to achieve. Leading a courageous life is powerful because, when you are courageous, you are using your heart as well as your mind. When you feel courage, you are fully focused on what you want to do and you will have greater success in achieving your goals. Finally, know that you have the power to: 1 2 3 4

Choose to live the life you have imagined Be with the people who nourish you Assert yourself and not let other people’s behaviour or attitudes deplete you Decide what is important to you rather than urgent


103

5 Train your mind like you do your body 6 Set appropriate boundaries around you to keep yourself safe from those who want to deplete you

7 Choose how you spend your precious energy 8 Make the changes you need in order to invest in yourself 9 Change what you can and let go of the rest.

The first step in investing in your wellbeing is that you need to make the decision to do this and then imagine the benefits you will feel when you succeed. The important element for change is to take it one step further: to be courageous in making this happen. Your life will be easier, happier and healthier. Choose to do it now. Don’t forget to celebrate your successes and make sure that your wellbeing investment is a lifelong habit.

FURTHER READING ◗ Denis Waitley has a helpful website that deals with practical strategies to deal with the importance of balance in our lives. Go to: http://www. deniswaitley.com. ◗ Michael Licenblat offers ideas to promote balance in life. To see his articles, go to: http://www.stressmanagementsuccess.com.

References

Babiak, P., & Hare, R. (2006). Snakes in suits. New York: HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. Beyond Blue (2004). The beyondblue National Depression in the Workplace Program. Melbourne: beyondblue. Retrieved July 12, 2008 from http://www. beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?link_id=4.66&tmp=FileDownload&fid=337 Bolton, R. (2001). People skills. Sydney: Simon & Schuster. Byrski, L. (1998). The Way ahead. Sydney: New Holland. Clarke, J. (2005). Working with monsters. Sydney: Random House. Clarke, J. (2007). The Pocket psycho. Sydney: Random House. Covey, S. (1998). The 7 habits of highly effective teens. New York: Simon & Schuster. Covey, S. (2001). The 7 habits of highly effective people. New York: Simon & Schuster. Dalai Lama (2003). Daily advice from the heart. Great Britain: HarperCollins. De Bono, E. (2004). How to have a beautiful mind. London: Random House. Deveson, A. (2003). Resilience. Sydney: Allen & Unwin. Frankl, V. E. (1984). Man’s search for meaning. New York: Simon & Schuster. Goleman, D. (1996). Emotional intelligence. London: Bloomsbury Publishing. Harvard Business School Online (2008). Teaching resources. Boston: Harvard Business Publishing. Retrieved July 2, 2008 from http://harvardbusinessonline.hbsp. harvard.edu/b02/en/academic/edu_teachres_execed.jhtml Licenblat, M. (2004). StressManagementSuccess.com. Melbourne: Bounce Back Fast. Retrieved July 2, 2008 from www.stressmanagementsuccess.com Lundin, S., Christensen, J., & Paul, H. (2003). Fish! Sticks. Great Britain: Hodder and Stoughton. Lundin, S., Christensen, J., & Paul, H. (2004). Fish! For life. Great Britain: Hodder and Stoughton. Lundin, S., Christensen, J., Paul, H., & Strand, P. (2002). Fish! Tales. Great Britain: Hodder and Stoughton. Mackay, H. (2004). Right & wrong. Sydney: Hodder Headline. Mackay, H. (2007). Advance Australia… Where? Sydney: Hachette Australia. McCombe, A. (2007). Activate your life. Manly, NSW: Activate Your Life. Retrieved July 2, 2008 from http://www.activateyourlife.com.au 105

106 R E F E R E N C E S

Ricard, M. http://www.bbc.co.uk/religion/religions/buddhism/customs/ meditation_4.shtml Seligman, M. (1992). Learned optimism. Sydney: Random House. Tumarkin, M. (2007). Courage. Melbourne: Melbourne University Press. VicHealth (2006). Workplace stress in Victoria: Developing a systems approach. Melbourne: Victorian Health Promotion Foundation. Waitley, D. (2007). Denis Waitley International. Retrieved July 2, 2008 from http://www.deniswaitley.com Watson, D. (2003). Death sentence: The decay of public language. Sydney: Random House. WorkSafe (2003). Guidance Note: Prevention of bullying and violence at work. Melbourne: Victorian WorkCover Authority. WorkSafe (2007). Stresswise – Preventing work-related stress: A guide for employers in the public sector. Melbourne: Victorian WorkCover Authority.

Index

depleters 34–6, 43, 101 management 29–31, 37, 39, 42, 61–2, 93–5 exercise 98–9

adrenalin 5, 6, 64, 76 attitude 21, 94 awareness 15, 18, 41, 46–7, 54 balance 14, 25, 92, 94 blame 22, 24, 39, 73 body language 59 bullying 78–9

failure fear of 11–12, 84 fear 11, 17, 83–4 food 97 fun, having 79, 101

change 7, 11, 17, 41, 83–91 fear of 7, 36 choice 22, 31, 42 comfort zone 17, 85 communication aggressive 32, 49, 51–2, 56 assertive 33, 49, 53–4, 56–7, 62, 70, 72, 75, 79 effective 48–9 electronic 65–6 passive 32, 49–51, 56 passive/aggressive 49, 52–3 under stress 63–5 confidence 50 conflict 48, 53, 65, 68–9, 70–80, 95 confrontation 48, 70, 75 control 16, 33, 82 courage 17, 41, 72, 85, 102–3

goals setting

81–3

habits 12–13, 26, 49, 101 honesty with others 49, 53, 94 with self 94–5 hope 23 job strain

3

Mackay, Hugh 45, 47, 65 mistakes 85 misunderstandings 47–8, 53, 64, 95, 96 negativity 23, 39, 41, 83, 96 no – saying it 60–3

empathy 59–60, 72, 95 energy balance 42, 96

optimism

107

22–5

108 I N D E X

patience 95 perspective 23–5, 40, 99 pessimism 22, 25, 83 power misuse of 15, 51, 70, 75–7, 78 of choice 14, 33, 43, 73–4, 79 personal 15, 17, 46–7, 71, 72, 83–6, 93 use of 8, 70, 72, 76, 78 pressure 14, 48, 95, 99 procrastination 7, 36–9 purpose in life 15, 25, 42, 87 reactions 26, 46–7 regrets 84–5 relationships 68–9 negative 70 positive 96 power in 96 resilience 3, 6, 11, 14, 17, 19, 23, 41, 73, 86, 92 responses 12, 47 rest and relaxation 100

risks assessment 18–19, 76 control 19, 76 review 19, 76 rumination 37, 39–41, 85 self-esteem 20, 50 Seligman’s questions permanent 22–3, 26 personalised 22, 24, 26 pervasive 22, 26 stress 2, 14, 23, 95 negative 3–4, 6, 13, 18, 68, 92 physical reaction to 4, 13, 99 positive 2–3, 13 thought patterns 20–1 time management 28, 35 values 8–9, 10, 13, 15, 30, 94 VicHealth 3 WorkSafe 3–4 World Health Organization worry 29, 36, 96

3

P e t e r We s t w o o d

basic teaching knowledge and classroom experience. Books in the series provide essential information about a range of subjects necessary for today’s teachers to do their jobs effectively. These books are short, easy-to-use guides to the fundamentals of a subject with clear reference to other, more comprehensive, sources of information. Other titles in the series include Teaching Methods,

Numeracy, Spelling, Learning Difficulties, Personal Wellbeing, Marketing, and Music in Schools. Literacy skills are fundamental to all areas of learning in the school curriculum but also have a profound impact on an individual’s chances of finding satisfying work in the years beyond school. Reading and Writing Difficulties draws on the latest research from around the world to explain some of the causes of literacy problems and gives practical advice on methods to assist students with difficulties. Details of additional resources and online links are provided to support teachers who wish to pursue some of the issues in greater depth. Peter Westwood has been an Associate Professor of Education and has taught all age groups. He holds awards for excellence in teaching from Flinders University in South Australia and from the University of Hong Kong. Peter has published

R E A D I N G A N D W R I T I N G D I F F I C U LT I E S

The What Teachers Need to Know About series aims to refresh and expand


many books and articles on educational subjects and is currently an educational consultant based in Macau, China.

ISBN 978-0-86431-960-9

9 780864 319609

Westwood

Cover images: © Erengoksel | Dreamstime.com © Michael Pettigrew | Dreamstime.com

Reading and writing difficulties

What Teachers Need to Know About Personal Wellbeing

What Teachers Need to Know About Numeracy

What Teachers Need to Know About Spelling

What Teachers Need to Know About Reading and Writing Difficulties

What Teachers Really Need to Know About Formative Assessment

What Teachers Need to Know About Teaching Methods

What Teachers Need to Know About Students With Disabilities

What Teachers Need to Know About Learning Difficulties

What Environmentalists Need to Know about Economics

What You Need to Know About Cannabis: Understanding the Facts

What You Need to Know about Starting a Business

THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT WATER

Everything You Need to Know About Deafness

Everything You Need to Know About Weddings

I Know What You Need

What Everyone Needs to Know about Islam

Everything You Need to Know About the Dangers of Hazing (Need to Know Library)

Everything You Need to Know About Teen Pregnancy (Need to Know Library)

Everything You Need to Know About Discrimination (The Need to Know Library)

Everything You Need to Know About Dating and Relationships (Need to Know Library)

Everything You Need to Know About Schizophrenia (Need to Know Library)

Great Answers to Difficult Questions About Death: What Children Need to Know

Don't Know Much About History: Everything You Need to Know About American History but Never Learned

Rhetoric Versus Reality: What We Know and What We Need to Know About Vouchers and Charter Schools

NECВ® 2008 Need to Know

Don't Know Much About History: Everything You Need to Know About American History but Never Learned (Don't Know Much About...)

The Complete Guide to Futures Trading: What You Need to Know about the Risks and Rewards

Don't Know Much About History: Everything You Need to Know About American History but Never Learned (Don't Know Much About...)

What Teachers Need to Know About Personal Wellbeing

What Teachers Need to Know About Numeracy

What Teachers Need to Know About Spelling

What Teachers Need to Know About Reading and Writing Difficulties

What Teachers Really Need to Know About Formative Assessment

What Teachers Need to Know About Teaching Methods

What Teachers Need to Know About Students With Disabilities

What Teachers Need to Know About Learning Difficulties

What Environmentalists Need to Know about Economics

What You Need to Know About Cannabis: Understanding the Facts

What You Need to Know about Starting a Business

THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT WATER

Everything You Need to Know About Deafness

Everything You Need to Know About Weddings

I Know What You Need

What Everyone Needs to Know about Islam

Everything You Need to Know About the Dangers of Hazing (Need to Know Library)

Everything You Need to Know About Teen Pregnancy (Need to Know Library)

Everything You Need to Know About Discrimination (The Need to Know Library)

Everything You Need to Know About Dating and Relationships (Need to Know Library)

Everything You Need to Know About Schizophrenia (Need to Know Library)

Great Answers to Difficult Questions About Death: What Children Need to Know

Don't Know Much About History: Everything You Need to Know About American History but Never Learned

Rhetoric Versus Reality: What We Know and What We Need to Know About Vouchers and Charter Schools

NECВ® 2008 Need to Know

Don't Know Much About History: Everything You Need to Know About American History but Never Learned (Don't Know Much About...)

The Complete Guide to Futures Trading: What You Need to Know about the Risks and Rewards

Don't Know Much About History: Everything You Need to Know About American History but Never Learned (Don't Know Much About...)

Recommend Documents