Transforming Your Community Through Dance: 13 Steps to a Great Dance Team

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Author: Adrian Flores

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C h a p t e r

Transforming Your Community Through Dance 13 Steps to a Great Dance Team

Adrian Flores

20660 Stevens Creek Blvd., Suite 210 Cupertino, CA 95014

Copyright © 2009 by Adrian Flores All rights reserved. No part of this book shall be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise without written permission from the publisher. No patent liability is assumed with respect to the use of the information contained herein. Although every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this book, the publisher and author(s) assume no responsibility for errors oromissions. Neither is any liability assumed for damages resulting from the use of the information contained herein. First Printing: February, 2009 Paperback ISBN: 1-60005-116-2 (978-1-60005-116-6) Place of Publication: Silicon Vally, California USA Paperback Library of Congress Number: 2009921428 eBook ISBN: 1-60005-117-0 (978-1-60005-117-3)

Trademarks All terms mentioned in this book that are known to be trademarks or service marks have been appropriately capitalized. Happy About® cannot attest to the accuracy of this information. Use of a term in this book should not be regarded as affecting the validity of any trademark or service mark.

Warning and Disclaimer Every effort has been made to make this book as complete and as accurate as possible, but no warranty of fitness is implied. The information provided is on an “as is” basis. The authors and the publisher shall have neither liability nor responsibility to any person or entity with respect to loss or damages arising from the information contained in this book.

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Endorsements “Adrian Flores has discovered a ground breaking way to unite kids of all walks of life—through the guise of dance. The success he’s having with this program shows through the steps they learn to take together how important mutual respect and teamwork are in order to pull off a good performance. I love the fact that this key emerges almost subliminally—through the process of learning steps, hours of practice, collaboration, concessions and teamwork that leading to the final performance. What a great way to build upon similarities and teamwork.” Kymberli W. Brady, author/photographer Director of Community Relations and Public Affairs, San Jose Silicon Valley Chamber of Commerce “Adrian Flores is brilliant. Drawing from his skills, artistic abilities, personal journey and passion for people, he is able to take the dance experience to another level. Through simple concepts of respect for diversity and individuality, Adrian is able to transform relationships and in turn communities. I wholeheartedly recommend this book.” Carmen Bogan, Community Leader (Oakland, CA) “The power and energy of ballroom dancing erases the barriers that often cause negativities among young people. I’ve seen many plans to address the problems of violence in our Cities, but I’ve never seen a package as complete as described in Adrian’s book. He lays out the plan, step by step, to achieve success. I highly recommend this book to any civic leader.” Vice Mayor, John Marquez, (City of Richmond, CA) “Now that television shows that feature ballroom dance have become all the rage (even my young pre-teen grandchildren are fans), Adrian may really be onto something! I wish him great success with the broad project and with his current book “Transforming Your Community Through Dance.” Mei Sun Li, Lafayette Senior Services (Lafayette, CA)

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“In this book, Adrian Flores, describes beautifully the power of ballroom dancing as an elegant and yet powerful tool to promote respect and understanding among people from divers walks of life. Dancing, according with Adrian, connects human beings in a way that transcends any perceived difference in age, gender, ethnicity, and religious belief and has the power of bringing out the best in individuals, couples, groups and communities. I strongly recommend this book to those interested in promoting positive changes in our communities.” Raul Rojas M.A., Principle, Rojas Consulting “Leadership Training and Coaching” “The life lessons and interpersonal skills students learn through Adrian Flores’ dance program can transform their lives, their relationships, and their communities in a very positive way. This process helps students and communities believe their hope for a better future can become a reality.” Ed Becker, M.D. “This book shows the reader commitment to community can take on many different faces. Our goal must be to show our children as many of those faces as possible.” Robert L. Davis, Chief of Police, SJPD (San Jose, CA) “This book gives me a sense of hope. A hope that those kids that our communities consider “at risk” will learn respect. Respect for themselves, respect for their parents, and respect for others. This respect will allow them the potential to one day have and raise children of their own, that will not be considered at risk. A big thanks should go to Adrian for his unselfish devotion for offering this to all of us.” Thomas S. Smith, Past President of the San Jose Almaden Lions Club (San Jose, CA)

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Author • Adrian Flores http://AdrianFloresPresents.com

Publisher • Mitchell Levy http://happyabout.info

Edit and Content Layout • SPi Technologies http://spi-bpo.com

Cover Design • Cate Calson http://calsongraphics.com

Cover Photo • Frank Richardson

Photographic Contributors • • • •

Frank Richardson Nick Molle Diana Chien Kymberli Brady

A Message from Happy About® Thank you for your purchase of this Happy About book. It is available online at http://happyabout.info/dance.php or at other online and physical bookstores. • Please contact us for quantity discounts at [email protected] • If you want to be informed by e-mail of upcoming Happy About® books, please e-mail [email protected] Happy About is interested in you if you are an author who would like to submit a non-fiction book proposal or a corporation that would like to have a book written for you. Please contact us by e-mail [email protected] or phone (1-408-257-3000). Other Happy About books available include: • Moving From Vision to Reality http://happyabout.info/myfaith/vision2reality.php • Rule #1: Stop Talking! A Guide to Listening http://happyabout.info/listenerspress/stoptalking.php • Care: You Have the Power! http://happyabout.info/care.php • All You Need Is Luck… http://happyabout.info/allyouneedisluck.php • Foolosophy: Humor is The key to a Healthy Mind http://happyabout.info/foolosophy.php • 30day Bootcamp: Your Ultimate Life Makeover http://happyabout.info/30daybootcamp/life-makeover.php • 30day BootCamp to Eliminate Fears & Phobias http://happyabout.info/30daybootcamp/fears-phobias.php • Lessons About Life Momma Never Taught Us http://happyabout.info/lessons-about-life.php • Happy About Being a Baby Boomer http://happyabout.info/babyboomer/newfound-longevity.php • Happy About Working to Stay Young http://happyabout.info/working-to-stay-young.php • Happy About My Christian Faith http://happyabout.info/myfaith/mychristianfaith.php

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13 Steps to a Great Dance Team

FRIEND FRIEND BOYFRIEND GIRLFRIEND PARENT CHILD BOSS EMPLOYEE HUSBAND WIFE TEACHER STUDENT “IT’S ALL TEAMWORK”

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Dedication To Dad – The relationship I yearned for, I now express in every child I help. Every child wants to love both the parents, one is not more important than the other. My mother said negative things about my father but that did not matter and even though my mother did the best she could, the break-up between my mother and father broke my heart. Growing up only knowing my mother, I secretly missed my father terribly. It became very important to help spread the word about the importance of keeping families together when I once got sick and I felt my mortality and in a dream I died. In the dream I was so happy because I knew there was no judgment in heaven. What I was happy about was that I was reunited with both my mother and my father. All my life, I thought I only missed my father, only to discover through the dream that what I missed was the pair that had created me. They were mine and I was theirs and nothing could change that fact. They were important because I was a product of their love, not their character defects. I was pure love and that is how we started and that is where I want to continue. This dedication is to my Dad only because I am a man and how I will express myself will be as a father figure. The joy of working with kids is that I know the knowledge I bring them through this program will help to keep their relationships together and they will know how to pass this knowledge on as successful parents.

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P r e f a c e

Preface

I grew up in Richmond, California, the middle brother of one younger brother and two younger sisters, one older brother and two older sisters. This position of being right in the middle you would think I wouldn’t have a problem getting attention – wrong. Although there were moments of great experiences there were a lot of times I felt left out. At some point I will write about my personal journey, my life story, but for now I want to tell you just enough to give the reader insight as to why I think the information contained in this book can help our communities be safe and healthy. Abused as a child I felt ashamed going to school which left me vulnerable to bullies. I had very little fight in me because I was beaten so badly at home. I desperately wanted to be normal, and just participate with others in the joy of being a friend. In the summer of 1958 I met Denny and we became great friends. I do not know why it was that we had such a connection, but we did. He was a member of a gang and asked me if I wanted to join. This was such a refreshing experience, to be accepted, liked, and asked to join something. I was thrilled and felt protected. After elementary school I joined two other gangs, one in junior high school and one in high school. The first fight where I fought off the fear enough to fight back was in sixth grade. This was the beginning of turning my fear off and acting as if

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I were brave. In a neighborhood where violence was the “in thing” I was awarded recognition whenever I fought and so I entered the arena of battle enough to be respected. This recognition was a double-edged sword because my inside did not match my outside. I was a person who wanted to do right and be successful but was locked in unconscious negative behavior and I was expected to behave as a bad ass. I got my rewards and I survived another day but there was another part of me that was empty. That is why one of the 13 steps (to a great dance team) is to “Distinguish Yourself,” which I will later explain in the book. Several things happened simultaneously, which got me out of gangs and why this path that I am on is such a passion for me. 1) I fell in love (the power of the woman cannot be underestimated). 2) I wanted to join the Military but the Police had a talk with my mother and told her, which she then relayed, to me that I was considered an outlaw and would not be allowed to join up if I did not quit my gang activity. 3) The last reason (and how I got out of the gang world) was that I was affiliated with a group of kids who got into much trouble because they were causing their mentoring gang, The Hells Angeles, grief by drawing attention to them which they did not appreciate, and so they pulled our colors. I happily spent my time in a new relationship never to return to that lifestyle. My happiness soon hit the bumpy road of the adult world and so the troubles I faced were more than I could handle. This book is not so much about my story as it is about addressing the core issues we face as a society and how to go about fixing what I see is the root problem – respect. In 1968, Richmond was awarded a grant for the Model Cities Program by the Johnson administration. This program was designed to get citizens involved in the governmental decisionmaking process. Funds that were to be spent on improving designated areas in Richmond were to be first discussed with a Citizen Board who then made recommendations to the City Council regarding City-run Federally funded programs. My mother was

Preface

visited by a Mormon missionary by the name of Mr. Henderson who worked for the redevelopment agency and although my mother abused me as a child there was a lot of wisdom in her bones and there was also a lot of motherly love and goodness in her heart. She knew things about me that I didn’t know about myself. She explained to me one night that she was visited by Mr. Henderson who had some very interesting information I would find interesting. Although I later dismissed the teaching, the family values of the Mormons were the same as I believed in and so once a week he would teach me how to be a responsible head of household through the Book of Mormon. We developed a close relationship and he was the one who told me about the openings for the positions that were made available through the California Employment Program (CEP). I followed through the application process and was awarded one of the positions and worked for Neighborhood House in North Richmond. I later evolved to a position where I worked in the Planning Department for the City of Richmond. In 1970, each City was awarded a $25,000 grant from the State for the Youth Services Bureau, an experimental crime prevention program. This grant was for a full-time Administrator and a part-time Secretary. All other staff was to be obtained through in kind contribution from the local agencies; I was in kind contribution from the City. The Youth Services Bureau was a program to take young first-time offenders and sometimes second-time offenders to see if getting the kids involved in something would deter them from going through the system. I walked hand in hand with Eugene Drew, the Executive Director, and put together programs for the kids coordinating the Social Services Department, Probation Department, Police Department, the local colleges and universities, and the schools where these kids came from. Communicating with the parents and establishing a supportive relationship with the kids and getting them involved with anything I could think of including tutoring, the kids turned out great and they all did better in school. I believe this is another reason why dance to me represents more than just another recreational activity. My personal journey, self-help groups, and ballroom dancing has given me a tool to transform the lives of many people and now as a retired


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competitor, I bring this knowledge to communities and families who are struggling. I truly believe that if everyone danced and were taught ways to communicate puts into practice self-respect and the respect of your fellow team member. Following the13 steps along with etiquette training we would have safe, healthy communities. I truly am committed to transforming relationships, which has the end result that families stay a unit. I believe a mother and father who experience the steps and come from empowerment instead of control will again be the unit we can count on to be the family unit we need to have a strong country.

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Preface

Acknowledgments Although there are many people to thank for me finding a positive way to contribute to this wonderful world and becoming a role model for the youth, I would never have felt worthy to live as a solution – rather than as a problem – if it had not been for my big sister Virginia, and my Aunt (Tia) Rose. I pay tribute to them and will be forever grateful for their unconditional love and support. Through most of my early childhood I felt shame, but no matter what I did in my secret life (and of which I was not, and still am not, proud), I was someone special whenever I was around Virginia and Tia Rose. I would walk into a room, and their eyes would light up. They would proudly introduce me to whomever they were with and and tell them my name. I loved being around them, and I felt good about myself and that’s the power of unconditional love. As life went on, both Virginia and Tia Rose drifted away from my daily life after they were married. At the ripe old age of 17, I also married and tried to make a decent life for my new family. Separated from my positive role models, however, I tried to handle the emotional discomforts of life by escaping with the help of sex, drugs, and rock and roll. As an adult, I look back at that time in my life and realize that I admired and lived the role of a gangster, and of a preacher, and everything in between. The good side of me battled with the other, and I was lost in a downward spiral of unconscious negative behavior. Despite the fact that I kept trying to move toward my more positive side, the ability to be a good person constantly failed me. I had no idea what I was doing and found that no matter what action I took in pursuit of being a responsible parent and a good husband, I ended up at the opposite end of where I wanted to be – a lousy parent and husband. I did not know the language and the knowledge required to have or to maintain a positive and supportive relationship. No one except those who have felt the frustration of lost dreams knows what it feels like to experience life not working and to not know why. I felt that frustration, was humbled to my knees, and


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prayed for help. At that moment of asking for Divine intervention I was granted a life of service. Although not easy at times, my life has been meaningful and filled with friends who help put together groups of people that are interested in the same thing – to have friends who treat each other with respect, dance, and have families. Somewhere deep down inside of me, the seed that was planted so long ago through my big sister and my Aunt Rose would grow into a program that would teach unconditional love. I believe that the glimmer of hope that existed inside me – that belief that there was something special about me, worth fighting for – could join the thousands of other caring individuals who wanted to put their energies into helping others through dance. I now bring the lessons I have learned to our youth, because they are special and worth our care. Each and every citizen can also realize that the special qualities we all have will only wither and die unless we pass them on to succeeding generations. The seed that my sister and aunt planted within me bears the same message that we are all special. By training young people in an art form such as ballroom dance, dancers all over the world can help produce quality adults who can help build positive role models as our future parents. If we are to live in a world where family units must stay together and children be raised with love and respect, we need to teach our young the language and skill of teamwork, dance, and quality relationship. Seeking love and attention in all the wrong places can be avoided. I know this to be true because I sought love and attention in those wrong places long before I found the dance floor, and it didn’t work. I pay tribute to my big sister and my Aunt Rose also for keeping alive in me the knowledge that God does exist. The spiritual support and my family’s belief in me live on, and the lesson of unconditional love lives on through my dance programs and through this book – both of which are expressions of unconditional love. I also want to thank the following people for their valuable contributions to me as a person and as a dancer: Paul Casillas, Dave Brown, Don Brown, Harriet Taylor, Teddy Lee, Rita Agnese, and Raoul Nickelson.

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Acknowledgments

Rosario Gonzalez (Tia Rose in 1934)


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Virginia Flores (Adrian’s very caring sister in 1970)

Virginia and Tia Rose (August, 2007)

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Acknowledgments

A Note from the Author Although this book’s title features the word “dance” it is not a book about how to dance. The information in its pages is not intended to teach you the steps, posture, or movements for doing the tango, cha cha cha, waltz, or quickstep. Many other books and classes will provide you with those details. This book will, however, teach you how to use the world of ballroom dance to improve your everyday life and, more specifically, to improve your relationships. Ballroom dance represents an art form that connects two people in partnership while they move to the music together. As such, it requires good social skills and for this reason, ballroom dance falls into the category of “social dance.” More specifically, however, ballroom dancers must possess not only dance knowledge but also good social skills, because a dance partnership involves a relationship between two people. As in any form of dance that requires partnering, ballroom dancers must cooperate with each other. In the process of learning cooperation, the dancers also learn to respect each other. Thus, in addition to their dance lessons, dance partners should receive essential lessons about relating to each other. Many people today find it hard to connect with others in a meaningful manner. Despite the numerous relationships in their lives, at the end of the day many of us feel lonely. I know that there have been times in my life when I felt that way. However, I found ballroom dance the most useful vehicle in helping me connect with others in a meaningful way. Through dance, I have learned how to have relationships that have allowed me to truly connect with others, thus I rarely, if ever, feel lonely. Instead, I enjoy a variety of relationships with a number of people. And even when I connect with people with whom I may not become friends or with whom I may not become romantically involved, I still find the relationships satisfying, meaningful, and positive. In fact, I have discovered that ballroom dance provides a wonderful methodology for learning how to practice and use a predictable supportive language in creating meaningful relationships. You don’t have to know much about ballroom dancing per se to begin dancing, have fun, and make lots of friends. Since ballroom dance Transforming Your Community Through Dance

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requires a partner, the discipline necessary to become proficient is team effort. A ballroom dance “team” will know the dance steps and be able to perform to perfection, but if they are not a team, their longevity will be threatened. Add the team building and relationship skills to their performance, and suddenly the teams of couples on and off the dance floor have a more powerful and supportive experience. When couples as well as teams stay together, greater productions are the outcome. While the ability to dance with someone is a worthy goal, being a team player changes not only how you feel about your dancing abilities but you also transform the way you feel about yourself and how you relate to each other. It can increase your effectiveness on the job, in your marriage, as a parent or a friend. In other words, it affects all your relationships in a positive way. The more time you spend dancing and learning partnering skills, the better partner you will be in other areas of your life. The skills you learn on the dance floor will translate to a broader base of support for yourself and others in your life. The dance world affords many opportunities to practice the skills of relating to, and having, successful partnerships. When dancing, we don’t have to be alone, and we can have fun while empowering all our relationships. In the process, we can help build a better world. That may sound like an exaggerated claim, but if each person in the world improved their relationship skills and, in so doing, learned to respect others, the world we live in would be a vastly different place. The assumption here is that when people respect each other and have fun together, the common bond between them through music and their ability to dance will shift their thinking to a more supportive one. With a common language and predictable behavior we will all feel safe knowing that our connection to each other is dependent upon our own integrity and how this relates to the responsibility we inherit in our natural instinct to want to be together. The reason dance is so important is that we need the vehicle to practice the language of a great partnership. As you read this book you will see that these are not new thoughts but what is new is that we have taken well-thought-out supportive steps to follow to create a great dance team. These skills once learned can be adapted to any partnership requiring a team effort. In so following xviii

A Note from the Author

this program we trust that family values, safe neighborhoods, and productive members of society will be the outcome. On an individual scale, follow the 13 steps detailed in this book and you will insure that the team effort will face the difficult moments with a smooth transition to success. It will also help you maintain longevity in your partnerships. The longer your relationship with your dance partner, the more you improve your ability to dance together as well as maintaining respectful practices toward each other. In fact, the longer you dance together, the greater are the results of the individual as well as the impact the couples’ dramatic improvement makes on their performance. When you know the steps and each other better, you can make the minor changes that make huge differences. You learn the little nuances that make the positive changes to you and to your partner and create the beautiful changes to your dance routines as well as evolving as people. When meeting new people you will not need to know each other well to feel comfortable because you will be too busy simply getting to know each other and trying to make a good impression. Unless you address the issues you face after the good impression is made you will stop short of the real improvement that can be made in a relationship to one’s own personal growth. I believe if you learn how to be together and treat each other with respect, learn to dance, and have lots of partners as friends, you would have safer neighborhoods because all neighborhoods are made up of individuals wanting to be in relationships. You just need to make sure that the knowledge is made available and the arena is set to create friends. Sometimes people ask me, “Adrian, what if I’ve taken ballroom dance lessons and my significant other hasn’t?” If you find yourself with someone who has not had dance training, simply read this book together, then go take a dance lesson. The new dance team will have the required information to be great partners and respectful individuals. This holds true no matter what your goals are together. If you have a business partner with whom you would like to improve your relationship, this book would be required reading, and then you can go take a ballroom dance lesson and make friends. No matter what type of relationship you are in, I would offer the same advice: Read the book and take a lesson.


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This book is written for those who have had and have not had ballroom dance training. The end result is the same if you want a successful team and want a guide to keeping the team talking the same positive and supportive language; you have to read the same book. One of the greatest benefits of a dancer, which has nothing to do with the physical training, comes from the social practices of a dancer and the confidence we learn through repeated best-behavior opportunities. While many movies, magazines, newspapers, and television shows, as well as popular music disrespects women, it is my belief that the social dance environment revolves around respecting each other and the roles we play. In ballroom dance we are trained that man is the frame and woman is the picture. Men use their bodies to create a picture of their physical strength as men in contrast to the beauty and the delicate nature of the woman they are framing. Men and women find the drama of each other’s roles in life to be entertaining as well as feeling appreciated as gender opposites. We should not be shy about our differences and we should know that one cannot be possible without the other. We are dependent on each other to fully be ourselves and so we must be respectful of each other’s contributions. The 13 steps are guides to being a great dance partner by working on self for the common benefit. Anything worth having is worth the time and effort we put into it. We cannot have longevity in our relationships without respect. We cannot be safe unless we live in a world where respect for the other person exists. We cannot be good parents unless we have respect in our homes. We cannot be good friends unless we respect our friends. And we can start with practicing the knowledge that is in this book and producing great dance partnerships and breathing life into the 13 steps of a Great Dance Team. We now have the tools to respect ourselves, our partners, and our country and use the fun-loving atmosphere we find in dance. Have you not heard that you can’t love someone else unless you love yourself? Well, the same holds true with respect. You can’t respect another person unless you respect yourself. When you dance, your behavior, your dress, your breath, and your skill as a dancer are all important.

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Beyond the issue of respect, not only does a man lead the woman as a partner, but he dances for the woman. The man leads the step, but only to bring her joy and, in turn, that makes the dancing fun for both the man and the woman. If the man can provide an opportunity of full expression and experience his power and contribute to her feminine charm, the partners will have a great time on the dance floor. This respect for our differences sheds light on the fact that we are equals. We cannot go on in a world where men consider themselves better than women only to find in another part of the world women creating subcultures where they profess to be the more intelligent sex. We need to respect the gifts we have as men and women, not to be better than, but equal to – just different. All kids need to grow up with a mother and a father and, just like dance, the partnership isn’t all about the man and it isn’t all about the woman. It is the relationship between the two that makes the whole picture. The world cries out for the roles to come back with the respect and the admirable roles we play as men and women as dance teams, family members, and citizens. The woman’s responsibility lies in her response to the man’s lead, and so it is said that the man can lead only if the woman lets him. Thus, the woman must respect the man, and trust him. If she allows him to show her the way and take his lead, she will respond to him and have a great time. He puts his hand up and she puts hers against his. He moves to the right and she moves with him. In other words, the male positions himself to dance and the woman positions herself to be partnered. The couple may move back and forth just to feel each other’s connection and experience the trust they place in each other’s consciousness that they are there for each other. What does this sound like? It sounds like empowerment. The woman is actually empowered to say, “Okay, you can lead,” which, in turn, empowers the man to do just that. Ah…mutual empowerment, respect, trust, and that’s very different than what the media often feeds us. What we hear in the media is repeated in the behavior we see where we disconnect as men and women and think we must be powerful and independent and that is all right but not at the expense of our partner.


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Dance provides the perfect vehicle to a respectful and elegant life. I do believe that society is hungry for the elegance to come back and we see this in examples such as the popularity of the television program “Dancing with the Stars” and documentaries such as “Mad Hot Ballroom”. In the San Jose Mercury News of October 2007, the most popular Halloween costume for little girls was that of the princess. There are many examples I can share with you that only validates what I say but I challenge you, the reader, to see where in your life this is true, and here are a couple of things to think about when searching your mind for examples. What is required for you to live in an environment where you can easily talk to your fellowman, dress to impress, and look your best when going to a social event, how would you like others to behave, and what story would you like to tell about your grandfather or grandmother? Well, simply put, all this – you, your choices in fashion, your communication skills, your treatment of others, and your performance – will eventually be history. What do you want people to say about you, especially your kids and your succeeding generations? What do you want in life, success or failure? How do you want to be treated, as a friend with respect or just as another street person? Who do you think will have more friends or have a good paying job or live a life that is supported by a family? The more you evolve as a person, the finer are the things you want in life and the finer the things you want in life, the more you put into the quality of everything that is around you. Simply put, we as a society want the elegance back in our country – our clothes, our home, our friends, and the entertainment we seek. The pendulum has swung as far as it can go in fashion, food, and entertainment. We have a society filled with people whose clothes don’t fit, obesity runs rampant along with the problems that come with it like diabetes, and there are too many homes where kids are raised by a single parent. We want our parents, we want our relationships, and we want talents to come forth. It is now time to bring the elegance back and we need the clothes of our youth to represent the respect we have for ourselves and our partners. We want to see our citizens’ clothes fit in bodies that are healthy and ready to dance. We need to see that intelligent choices toward fashion, etiquette, and communication skills are popularized.

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Despite the fact that teachers, administrators, politicians, and other officials are trying to help children live healthier lifestyles and develop respect for each other, despite the fact that our society now relies upon artists – dancers, musicians, poets, song writers, authors, screen writers, actors – to beat the drum of these same issues, there are few role models that offer our youth the information they need not only to lead a healthy life and treat others with respect but also to have healthy, happy, respectful, and loving relationships. In fact, many of them grow up not knowing the first thing about how to behave in, or sustain, a relationship. In fact, most people – young and old – don’t even know why they enter into a relationship. They think they get into a relationship because they want to have fun or have a family but that is only the beginning. We get into relationships to evolve as people and the motivation is stimulated by the joys we bring each other. It is for this reason that there are special people for us and why I believe that the person chosen for us comes from a deeper place than you can understand. You can’t fall in love with everyone and so it is that I believe love is special and worth the work it takes to stay together. For many, they become romantically involved thinking they have fallen in love when actually all they are doing is trying to fill a personal void through another person. It’s no wonder that so many people get married, and 2 years down the road they end up feeling that they are with the wrong person, and finally get divorced. We need to address the skills necessary to form and sustain relationships – all types of relationships – long term. This doesn’t mean that the information isn’t out there, because it is. A training ground needs to be made available so that the special qualities of two people can sustain the lessons we learn about ourselves when we work out our issues with our significant others. The best behavior opportunity is in the world of ballroom dance and, in fact, ballroom dancing provides a perfect model for healthy relationships. This book is about fulfilling the responsibility I feel we have to provide our youth with solid relationship training at an early age. I choose to teach partnership training through ballroom dance because the dance floor provides a perfect opportunity and requires a partner. Learning the language of a great dance team


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in a nonthreatening environment will afford you the opportunity to learn all the relationship skills one will ever need. This book is about you, not the other person. This book is about falling in love with the right person – you, and changing you for the better. Your mate or partner never has to change for you but changes because of you. The special person you fall in love with is the person who will help you be a better person so it is important not to sabotage the relationship. That person was chosen for you and was heavensent: So be the right person for yourself first and, second, do not lose the special people that have come to help you be all you can be. I believe that in most cases, whatever issue you are facing has nothing to do with them. Improve yourself, and the problem will fix itself. This book is about building communities of dancing friends, because as we do so, we create communities based on a common bond we can all understand. When we develop the confidence to be with people and know how to be involved with each other appropriately and evolve with our chosen partners, never at the expense of filling a void through another person, we keep the families together that we started when we met the right person. I believe that many people sabotage their relationships unconsciously. The relationship skills are left to the untrained, and just like untrained parents raising children, we need to be taught a language that teaches what to do and what not to say: How to be responsible for ourself and allow others in our life to be heard and understood. Just like a dance team, the results of an effort whether with our children or our spouses and friends should do well. Get things done with the best possible outcomes and happiness. This, in turn, will allow us to again enjoy a country where children grow up with intact families – with both a mother and a father. In this book you will find a brief teaching of dance, but only to give you an example of some of the basics I feel are important in the execution of a dance step as they relate to partnership skills. If you want to learn to dance through a book, there are plenty of books and videos from top instructors around the world. Read and use them, and they will transform you into a great dancer. Always remember, you will lose your partner if you don’t work on yourself and respect others…which brings us back to relationships.

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Contents

Dedication Dedication��viii

Preface Preface��ix

Acknowledgments Acknowledgments��xiii A Note from the A Note from the Author��xvii Author

Introduction Introduction��1

Chapter 1 The Overall Objective��3

How to Get the Most Out of this Book�� 5

Chapter 2 Social Dance, Social Thinking��9

The Agreement�� 15 The Contract Agreement�� 15 Building Respect Through Dance Agreement�� 16 The Steps�� 16 Building Respect Through Dance Training�� 17 Let Us Bond People Together Through a Lifestyle That Builds Relationships�� 19

Chapter 3 Let’s Talk About the Steps��23

Step 1: No Criticizing�� 24 Step 2: Be Beautiful�� 27 Step 3: Acceptance A and B�� 29 Step 4: Think Present Moment�� 32 Step 5: Distinguish Yourself�� 34 Step 6: Follow Hygiene�� 37 Step 7: Be of Service�� 38 Step 8: Challenge Yourself�� 40 Step 9: Commit to Success�� 42 Step 10: Commit to the Group�� 42 Step 11: Only Respond to Positive Behavior�� 44


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Chapter 4 The Program��57

Sign the Agreement�� 57 Listen to Instruction�� 58 The Roles�� 59 Leading and Following�� 59

Chapter 5 Dance to All Types of Music��61

Step 12: Perform with the Group�� 45 Step 13: Be Real�� 46 Lead the Way�� 49 Civility�� 50 Step into the Classroom�� 50 Partner Up�� 50 Introductions�� 51 Resume Positions for Instruction�� 51 Reposition to Partners�� 54 Permission to Dance�� 55 With Partners, Balanced Positions�� 55 Executing the Steps�� 56

Fox Trot�� 61 Rumba�� 62 Swing�� 64 Ballroom Dancing�� 65 Changing Partners�� 66 Spinning Partner�� 66 Girls Spinning�� 66 Learn the Step Alone�� 67 After the Dance�� 67 Safe Communities�� 67

Conclusion Conclusion: The Missing Link��69

Create Culture and Roles�� 69 Why Missing Link�� 70

About the Author About the Author��73

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Contents

C h a p t e r

Introduction

The purpose of this book is to train a person in the world of dance. The significance of ballroom training and why this type of dancing has the most powerful components important to our society is that it answers all the social needs necessary for a healthy, happy, and safe community. There are four main components valuable to any child, parent, and politician. This book will address these components as an outcome of the training. 1. Fun – You will never be lonely because ballroom dancing is done with a partner, and not just one. You have many partners whether you know them or not. This is an art form in which, when you are experienced, you become an instant friend. Everyone likes listening to music and the good news is that as a potential dance partner you are always in demand. Ballroom dancing is executing patterns while listening to music with someone. To fully appreciate the music, a ballroom dancer is always looking for someone to enjoy the music with him or her. When you are seeking a partner in a world where others are looking for you, the tendency is to always be at your best. You let the world know you are a dancer and the world opens its arms to you. Dancers are extremely excited about meeting someone who can allow them the opportunity to get onto the dance floor. This is fun and exciting for two reasons: first, you want to fully participate in the


music and, second, you get to meet new people all the time. If you are one of the lucky ones who can find a steady partner, you get an opportu nity to go way beyond the basics and really develop some fine moves. This does not exclude you from dancing with others – quite the contrary. When someone is a great dancer, more people know you and want to dance with you. So commitment to one partner in the dance world opens you up to more partners. There is no other art form that does this for you. It is a happy environment and full of good energy. 2. Exercise – Ballroom dancing is a physical sport and puts demands on the body as any other sport does. Music has a magic to it that engages the body and your awareness to the music. It is not uncommon for me to leave a dance, sweating more heavily than when I leave the gym. If I am working on a dance step, repetition is the key. You develop mental and physical stamina. In your execution of any dance pattern, your awareness of balance, control, and your partner builds strength within you, simultaneously strengthening the coordination and the integration of the left- and rightbrain hemispheres. Every private student I have ever had, who has come to me at least three times a week, has lost approximately 10 pounds. Ballroom dancers are thinner and more agile than the general public. 3. Fashion – Each dance has a character to it and so it has been my observation that a dancing community is concerned with their look. The execution of dance patterns is more accurate when your posture is correct. The tendency is to wear clothing that helps you psychologically in the endeavor to be a good dancer. Dancing brings you popularity and the conscious need to complement that attention is to dress up. 4. Etiquette – Ballroom dancing is a social activity that stimulates your need to make a good impression. You are in a world of knowledgeable people and you want to share your knowledge and your energy with others. You are always being introduced, introducing others, and experiencing a cross section of people. Everyone knows that dance is a vehicle to have fun, so it is important to continue popularizing positive relationships and it is imperative that you come across as always being a good potential partner. This is the key to an open door of opportunity and etiquette training provides the knowledge for any occasion where people get together to get something done. When everyone knows the rules, all are comfortable because everyone’s behavior is predictable. In a world where rules are not important, the rules are lost and so is everyone else. Everyone wants to be comfortable in a social situation; ballroom dance training complemented with etiquette training gives all this desire to know the rules.

Introduction

C h a p t e r

1

The Overall Objective

Create a world of dancers that promotes participation from family, civic groups, and the business community; prepare for the business world as well as practice good manners in our homes. Experience success in our personal and professional life which ultimately depends on our relationship skills. Live in a community where everyone can communicate at some level and experience a common bond through the art of dancing. Raise the consciousness of our youth through dance to practice the art of cooperation and performance. Provide our youth with a blueprint to follow which will prepare a student to be comfortable and confident as an adult. Build safe neighborhoods through engaging our young citizens in a positive discipline of a social nature; the world of opportunities opens up when we fill our hearts with participation and friends. Institutionalize and stage the polished young adult; glamorize the role of our future ladies and gentlemen of society.


Be committed to our community if we are to be responsible for creating our own environment. Our society needs to address the issue of the outsider, the popular and the not so popular: No matter how much or how little money you have, can we find our place in society with dignity? I believe we can, through a common training base of acceptable behavior, activity, and acknowledgment. Reclaim our neighborhoods and provide a new blueprint of opportunity for our citizens to follow, instilling family values, confidence, and acknowledgment of our youth. Dance is the vehicle but the training will address the issues we face as a society.

Adrian Flores, MC for “The Elegant Era” (the show where everyone dances) August 2, 2008.

Graduates of the Building Respect Through Dance program, Adrian’s first pilot offered at Andrew P. Hill High School in San Jose, CA., June 3, 2006.


Popularized by competition, Ricasalsa Formation Team provides classes for the general public. David Taylor and Crystal Lequanq working on the steps taught by Ricardo Tellez and Tiana Frias.

How to Get the Most Out of this Book a. Skim the book once and sleep on the thoughts this book provokes. b. Take a dance class at a professional ballroom dance studio. c. Imagine your neighborhood if everyone was as connected to each other as in a dance class. d. Re-read the book. e. Create a dance team, work team, have a relationship. f. Read each rule and apply them to your team or relationship effort. g. Find a dance partner and use the 13 steps as ground rules for the partnership. h. Teach someone younger the 13 steps and any dance step you learn. i. Always look at yourself when having a problem with someone else. Read the steps over again and apply them to your success as a person.


Edison Araujo and Crystal Lequanq show confidence and great eye contact, Step 2 of the 13 Steps to a Great Dance Team.

To build respect through dance and be a team player, to find purpose in life, and to thrive in your social life is the common bond of dance. We are enhanced when we implement social skills, etiquette training, and intelligent relationship practices.


Ms. Syndi Seid

Syndi Seid is a professional trainer, speaker, and founder of Advanced Etiquette, based in San Francisco. She is the etiquette expert of choice to companies and individuals seeking comprehensive training and consulting in international business and social etiquette and protocol. In Seid’s own words, “Advanced Etiquette provides the missing link to a complete professional education, helping individuals, ages 9 to 99, gain selfconfidence and authority in any business and social situation, anywhere in the world.” As a graduate of The Protocol School of Washington, in our nation’s capital, she holds the highest certifications available as an Independent Certified Corporate, International Protocol Officer, Children’s and Teen, Tea Etiquette Trainer and Consultant. She is an active member of the National Speakers Association, International Association of Protocol Consultants, National Association of Women Business Owners, and The City Club of San Francisco, to name a few. Among her corporate clients, they include: Hewlett-Packard Worldwide; Sprint International; Marriott Hotels, Mandarin Oriental Hotel San Francisco; Hotel Bel Air; and the Miss Universe Pageant. Regarded as a leading expert, she is the exclusive etiquette expert on http://Staples.com and is a contributing writer to http://SBTV.com and http://WomensRadio.com. She is a speaker on Celebrity Cruises and has appeared on numerous local, national, and international television, radio, and print media. On national television, they include: ABC’s Good Morning America; HGTV’s Party At Home; Discovery Home Channel’s Picture This; and CBS National Evening News, Eye on America. In the San Francisco area, they include: KRON-TV’s Morning Show and Bay Cafe´; ABC’s Marketplace; CBS’s Evening Magazine; KTVU’s-Evening News. In print, they include Costco Magazine; San Francisco Chronicle; Los Angeles Times; and Upside Magazine. Syndi distributes an increasingly popular free, monthly e-newsletter, titled: Etiquette Tip of the Month. For your free subscription and printed copy of her first 24 tips, log onto http://AdvancedEtiquette.com/newsletter for complete details.



C h a p t e r

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Social Dance, Social Thinking

Kelly Park in San Jose, kids learning a dance step, changing partners and getting to know each other.

This is not rocket science! But just like some of the greatest inventions and discoveries in the world, the simplest answers to problems have often taken the long way around. The answers have been right in front of us and obvious, after the fact. If you are going to ask someone to dance, who would you like to dance with? A person who is hypersensitive and makes you feel ridiculed every time you turn around? Or someone who gives you the freedom to be yourself and has fun with or without you. The draw is to go where there are confident, fun, and respectful people. How about the “in


person” being you and you become the person people choose to hang around with.

The general public is invited on stage to dance after the Adrian Flores Presents “The Swing Era” (the show where everyone dances) at the Dean Lesher Regional Center for the Performing Arts, Walnut Creek, January 22, 2005.

Building Respect Through Dance is a series of lessons where you practice dancing with several partners without being judgmental. Does this mean that you should let anyone do whatever they want because you can’t criticize inappropriate behavior? No, it means that you should not spend your time hurting other people in retaliation. The problem can consume you, and your time will be spent in torment, blame, ridicule and you will infect your social circle with more of the same. The point is you don’t want to hinder your fellow classmates and stymie any of your personal success or any of the fun you can have with others. Respectful, knowledgeable people are also powerfully equipped with intelligent responses to negative behavior, encouraging positive social practices which can include them in the loop. If you know that there is a good side and a bad side to everyone, correct choices include keeping the door open for people to gravitate to their good side. I know it sounds weird but you should apologize and excuse yourself from their company. Be responsible for yourself and communicate that overstepping personal

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boundaries is not fun. In a world where everyone knows the rules, you have plenty of support to stay positive. Trained dancers are protected through this family-friendly sport of a social nature. It is easy to be a part of the “in crowd,” know the rules, work on your dancing, and dance with as many people as you can. You will find that negative thinking only slows you down and limits your world. You never have to think small again.

Nick Molle and L Nguyen practicing in the park, July 2006.

The same reason a person would act bad is the same reason a person would act good. We all want to be a part of something. Gang mentality is limiting and will land us in jail. Dance is limitless and you can find friends all over the world. We as a society have to make the choices available or we will continue to be stuck with the popularity of negative choices. Some of us are not blessed with a supportive home environment, so school is a sentence. Dance can transform defensive behavior related to fear, inferiority, and the teen – a walking contradiction of what we see on the outside, which is not what is on the inside. Some will have no choice but to make their own world camouflaged with phony personalities filled with lies, mistrust, and criticism. Will the choice be made available so that those who want to have a life can easily enter the world of dance? Those who come from good homes or have the rare drive to study and have a blessed path of constant approval cannot understand those who choose a life riddled with strife and struggle. Everyone loves music, even


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the gangster. We as a society need to support this natural love for music and include our natural desires to provide constructive positive channels to connect. No matter what your home life is like, we can be a part of another family, the family of dancers. We as dancers know that no matter where we go in the world, because we dance, we are welcomed and accepted. If all choices in life center on being accepted, then let’s dance, practice together, and create a world in which our natural attraction to each other finds a play ground where our natural instincts are the essential ingredient we discipline.

Diana Chien and her friends from the Rodeo Club in San Jose and the Saddle Rack in Fremont, CA.

Being a part of the “in” crowd helps us stay focused on who we are as people. A happy virtuous life is experienced through common practices and approved behavior. Therefore a common bond of social fun needs to be the draw, and institutionalizing proper social behavior needs to be taught in school. This is why “Ballroom Dancing” along with the “Steps to Being a Great Dance Team” needs to be available to all youth. I know of no other social group that encourages respectful behavior to the general public like ballroom dancing. Anyone can participate, no matter the age, color, or choice of faith. In the world of dance a person is encouraged to change partners and dance with anyone who asks, although personal choice is still respected.

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The outcome is always positive because in the world of dance, your behavior is as much an asset as your dance ability, so let the social animal in you come out and play. Now let us get the program started. But first we must have students who are interested in personal, financial success along with an active social life. This is done by signing an agreement to adhere to the 13 steps to a great dance team. Signing the agreement includes a permission to use your name, pictures, and anything you have said about the program. This agreement must be signed because of the overall objective to share the program with as many schools as possible.

Adrian Flores teaching High School students at the National Hispanic University in San Jose, Summer of 2008.

It is important to let the students know that this will not create a dancer, although they will learn to dance and they will be able to dance with anyone. A dancer is of another breed. This is why the school dance program is called “Building Respect Through Dance.” This is about training people to be successful in every team effort they find themselves in. This means great relationship and leadership skills and most of all, this means friends and lots of them. I knew the kids would improve in their ability to dance and


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feel comfortable with each other. What I didn’t know is how they would take to learning the rules. What I found was that when I left the rules out, when I got too ambitious and went just for the dance training, the students asked for them. The students actually created the “Program” you now see and why it is that I start each class discussing a step before we start the dance training. The steps were originally 12 rules but by the time we changed rules to steps, there were 13. Therefore this book is called 13 Steps to a Great Dance Team. We as a group discuss each of the steps as we engage personal experiences with the steps and how they contribute and impact a person’s life. The objective is to then ask the kids how they want their lives to turn out, the content of what the steps mean to them. Their personal experiences and looking at options always stimulates evolved self-responsible thinking. I break down the impact our reactions have had in our lives and if we are to provide training for our youth, they need to be conscious of the impact their behavior has on their future. If a student wants to have a great life, they have to make choices that fit the criteria. If you want to be a bum, this program will not help you.

Discussing the 13 Steps to a Great Dance Team before the dance portion of the class. Agreement to do the program requires a commitment.

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The Agreement Life is a choice when you realize that as long as you can be happy with the consequences of your choices, accepting these consequences gives you the power and the freedom to choose who you are. Life shifts from obligation to opportunity. This is when life changes a person’s interpretation of life from personal poverty to personal abundance. We choose a cultured society by activating the arts. Ballroom dancing is an art form that requires a partner. We can do this together and I will work to build these partnerships to insure our great country is cultured, safe, and dancing. First, an agreement needs to be made. This program is designed to prepare you for the demands placed upon successful, socially active adults. Practicing the tools this program teaches will insure preparation to the adult world. Words alone will not suffice, otherwise you could get this out of a book. Along with etiquette training, we need to nourish the spirit of knowledge with physical contact and work out our issues that come with personal feelings. We use the steps to help us through the dynamics of learning dance together with the emotional work that comes with the hot pursuit of a common goal as a team. A person will build confidence knowing he or she has the social skills and the personal integrity to enter any business or social event. To engage in these skills we must practice this knowledge by training and performing. A trainee must experience all the hard work and communicate through supportive relationships the difficult moments as well as the successes and present our dance skills to the general public. We will learn self-respect, respect for others, and a strong sense of importance to our society.

The Contract Agreement The success of this program is dependent upon all who choose the program. To be a team, you must commit to help each other and function with the 13 steps of a supportive team player. At the end of your training, you must be a mentor to following generations and throughout the training, each day’s homework is to teach what you have learned to someone younger than yourself. A mentor requires the same practice as any dance step or social skill taught in this program. Are you up to the task?


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Building Respect Through Dance Agreement 1. You must sign a release to use your name and any pictures taken of you for any news item, publicity, or future promotions of the program. This includes newspapers, radio, television, posters, or books written about the history of the program. 2. You must perform with the group at least three times and perform with the group at graduation, opening the professional show. 3. You must commit to the 13 steps of being a great team member.

The Steps 1. No criticizing – No criticizing yourself or anyone else. Those who criticize, stall the success process. Develop the art of living life to its fullest, stay busy developing who you are. 2. Be beautiful – Beauty is an inside job. What people see is enhanced by your attention to them, make good eye contact, be attentive, be sensitive to your partners, and stay on purpose. Communicate and be a good listener. Talking is limited to the training; stay focused, never deviate from the task at hand. The lost look is never attractive. 3. Acceptance – Accept yourself and others as well as where you are in the learning curve. Accept that everyone is not alike and that we are all not on the same stage of personal development so we all need to help by staying focused on our own growth. 4. Think only of the present moment – Stay conscious of the work you are processing, your partner, and your surroundings. This ability to stay focused on the present moment activity can make the difference in all your personal achievements as well as in becoming a skilled dancer. 5. Distinguish yourself – What is your passion? What would you like to know more about, be a master of, or what is your hobby? Each of us is a contribution to society, and unless we nurture that special quality in us we will never be happy in our relationships. Be it career choice, the school you want to attend, or your sport of choice, your title is as important as your name is to this class. 6. Think hygiene – Dance is an intimate sport and you must concern yourself with good breath and sanitary practices. Wash your hands before and after class and either brush your teeth before class or come equipped with breath mints.

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7. Be of service – Asking for help is just as important as giving help to a team member. You must teach as well as learn from each other. Asking questions or asking for help brings aliveness to the group. When you come from service, you help the group through the learning process and you will find that learning is fun. 8. Challenge yourself – There is a character to each dance, learn the character, bring your own unique style and charm to the dance step. 9. Commit to success – Never give up, no matter what. Success breeds success. 10. Commit to the group – Commit to the group and the group will be 100%. The group needs your dedication and this commitment will transform our experience to a higher playing field and we will bathe in the benefits of a great team. Commit to the team and the individual will achieve more. 11. Only respond to positive behavior – If someone disrupts the class, makes a joke, or bursts out with any attention to himself or herself not related to class material, know that this is a sign of not knowing. Help your team member by not paying attention. This person will get back on track as long as others stay focused on class material. 12. Perform with the group – You will be called upon to perform with the group. Mastering your performance skills will provide the proof that you are qualified to take on the tasks of personal development as well as being a worthy team player. 13. Be real – I call this Lucky 13 because implementing this rule will change your experience of life from dull to lucky. Truth and honesty is being real. You can be trusted and you can be counted on when you are real. The Agreement has to be signed first by the student, the parent in case of a minor, the principal in case of a student, the teacher in school, and the instructor of the class.

Building Respect Through Dance Training Week One – Communication Skills – Verbal and Nonverbal Basic elements of movement Keep the beat Leaders and followers responsibilities


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Balance and control Indication of movement Responding to each other at all times Posture Respect for all components of dance especially my partner Week Two – Dance the basic steps with good posture and partnership skills, using the timing and completing the steps with everyone. Week Three to the end of the program – Learn routines to the dances that are selected. The dances of choice are Fox Trot, Waltz, Tango, Swing, Samba, Salsa, Two Step, Rumba, Cha Cha Cha, Merenge, and Hustle. The routines have to be performed at least three times for the community before they can graduate from the program. Graduation is performing the

It is common for kids not want to touch each other but an important procedure to begin the work of respect. Andrew P. Hill High School students walking off stage after their Building Respect Through Dance Graduating performance. The comfort, confidence, command of their dance material and respect is displayed.

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material learned in the program and opening the professional show. The presentation is showcasing the polished citizens as Ladies and Gentlemen to society. Adrian Flores, President Building Respect Through Dance 501 C-3 Prayer opened my eyes and ears to the knowledge that we are all given instincts for a purpose, but these instincts can far exceed their proper function and so it is imperative to incorporate a disciplined way of life through an art form that bonds us socially.

Let Us Bond People Together Through a Lifestyle That Builds Relationships

As “Dancing with the Stars” popularizes dance, a common theme of bonding to life long friends is prevelent in the world of dance teams. This is how our communities can look reversing the need for jails and exchanging them for dance space and community centers. Dancers: Servando Pineda, Crystal Lequanq, Andres Canas, Vivian Lee, Darrin Johnson, Jacqueline Bequette, Vera Shapirshteyn, Laura Serghiou.


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Meeting new people is always fresh and exciting. Changing partners, David Leibsohn is now able to execute his step with new partner, Jacklin Bequette.

Although this book’s title features the word “dance,” this book will not teach you how to dance. It will, however, teach you how to use the world of dance in your everyday life and, more specifically, in your relationships. Ballroom dance is an art form that connects people together of the opposite sex moving to music, which requires dance knowledge and good social practices. Just like any other sport, if you practice a discipline you get better at it. As men and women learn an art form that requires each other’s cooperation as well as personal best social skills, they turn out better at the job of relating to each other if they continue the respectful practices they start out with. The fact that we need each other, and many people find it hard to accomplish connecting, will tend to leave people lonely unless we practice a predictable supportive language that insures better results accomplishing our goals. Dance is the vehicle that I have found to be most useful fulfilling this need for me. You don’t have to know much to have fun and have lots of friends

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but it can be a lifelong discipline. This book is more about adding to the benefits of dance as a social and physical exercise and practicing teambuilding steps in all partnerships. Add the team-building skills to your dancing abilities and transform the way you feel about yourself and your partner. Increase your effectiveness on the job, in your marriage, as a parent, or a friend. The dancing world will afford you many opportunities to practice these skills in relating to, and having, successful relationships. You don’t have to be alone and you can have a lot of fun empowering all your relationships to help build a better world. In other words, you have 13 steps to follow that will insure that you are responsible for the team effort as well as learning the language to survive the difficult moments faced in the longevity of any relationship. The longer the relationship, the more you improve in your dance as well as your respectful practices toward each other. Unless you address the issues you face after the honeymoon, when the real improvements can be made, you will continue to shortchange your contributions to yourselves, your partners, and your communities.

Mr. and Mrs. Heuga dance and keep their relationship healthy with dancing friends.


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If you find yourself with someone who has not done the training, it only requires that you read this book together, then go take a dance lesson. You will then have the required information to be a great team player as well as have a respectful dance partner, no matter what your goals are together. This book is about having those that are interested in successful team efforts to have the knowledge but equally important to provide the information to others who have not done the training. You can have successful relationships because even the less conscious can be helped if you never make them feel in the wrong. You never have to get sucked into a negative relationship again, those who want the information will be open to the knowledge in this book, and those who don’t want this information will continue to operate from where they are. The important thing to know about this is you are free to choose your partners and if you see counterproductive behavior, you can recognize it and choose where not to spend your time. Even more productive is the ability to have the conversational skills to pass this knowledge on when dealing with loved ones who do not know the patterns of negative counterproductive behavior. If you dance, or would like to learn, this answers the fact that you like to have fun and have friends. Liking music is a given, who doesn’t like music? But if music brings you joy, and you don’t want to be alone, then dance represents a wonderful path to self-express.

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C h a p t e r

3

Let’s Talk About the Steps

In order to get the reasoning behind the steps, we need to include discussion of how we have treated others and the treatment we have experienced from others, good and bad, and how we can use the steps to facilitate better outcomes from our partners. In the training we use the personal stories of the participants. Simply put, we can have all the dance partners we want but if we can’t keep them, we can’t evolve as a dance team. To know the importance our behavior has on keeping our relationships intact we need to provide the training that will produce the positive results we are all after in pursuit of a common goal. We want to enhance mastering our relationship skills while developing our dance abilities. As a person entering a world where your best behavior is important, we need to know what that entails. The personal experiences of the participants will give us the life impact of past behavior related to getting something accomplished. It is important to talk about the objective of positive results when we use these 13 steps. We need to improve our team efforts and use a common language using our personal experiences as the vehicle to drive these lessons home to real-life situations. The performance at the end of the training will showcase the enlightened and well-trained participant. The following includes my thoughts about the steps and why they are important to


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adhere to in creating a great dance team and includes conversational material with the trainees.

Step 1: No Criticizing Looking at the impact and resentment criticism stimulates will reverse the purpose of its intention. In other words, it does the opposite to that of a positive response to a problem we face in dealing with any person, place, or thing. What are some of the reasons someone would criticize another person? Has it not been apparent that the anger and sheer frustration of criticism leaves a person feeling defensive and alone? One person is feeling angry and left out and the other is feeling self-righteous. This will make it almost impossible to learn something new or making a point so uncomfortable that rejecting help feels better for the moment. Now ask what would you rather have in life as you struggle to have a successful day – a day of fun and progress or pain and criticism? What gets better results when you are learning a dance step – concentrating on the new material or responding to fellow team members’ ridicule? The immediate response to criticism is to defend our actions and the defense mechanism built into all of us blinds us to our objective and clouds the issue. It encourages rationalization, a right and wrong attitude and a good/bad response to a learning situation. I believe it is all good when you are in the learning process. It may be difficult and you may make plenty of mistakes but that’s the point. You are not expected to do everything right or have the same comfort in learning a step as the instructor. In a room full of students there will be some who learn steps faster than the others and that is to be expected. There are a thousand different reasons why a person finds it difficult to concentrate but if the objective is to practice and be a supportive team member, make it a point to allow for mistakes to be commonplace and structure your response to the common goal and to stick to the sense of celebration as you progress. The task at hand is to process the information presented, reprocess, and keep going even if it takes repeating a step a million times. This is the work that is required to accomplish anything. To criticize is to stop working on your progress to occupy your time emphasizing another person’s mistakes or the way they look. To make another person feel bad does not improve you or your step or your friendship. We are all different and we will all have strengths. It is not up to me to compare my strengths with your weakness. This is not the way to being a better dancer or creating a friend. To know we have the power to

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hurt or help is a choice we need to be made well aware of. In choosing we also need to know the impact our choices make on our lives. Now let us look at some of the reasons why a person would stop their progress and decide to criticize themselves and/or their teammate. In learning a step and already feeling self-conscious, I have spent more time thinking about my inability to process the information, resulting in validating my inadequate feelings about myself. See I can’t learn this stuff. There are two things to think about when criticizing myself or my fellow team members. (1) The false pride I feel when I can find something to criticize about you in order to feel better about me. If I can keep you busy about your faults, you won’t look at mine. (2) If I can stay busy criticizing you, I don’t have to learn anything myself and escape any responsible action. I get my approval through a joint effort of getting others to join me in a counterproductive action (criticizing) that makes me feel like I’m working on something, but only fooling myself because nothing gets done. And I don’t accomplish anything and I don’t know I’ve buried my talents to a world of faultfinding. I personally cannot go any further in proving to myself that I am not as good as you. My head may not be full but if I’d rather use what brain power I have to make fun of you instead of figuring out how best to help, we both lose because if we interrupt the positive train of thought required to keep our learning curve sharp and motivated, we both have our mental capabilities split and interrupted with emotional discomfort. This is destructive toward me, my team, and the results I want for my life. Criticizing is a diversion from taking responsibility for me. Why can’t I just continue to work on my stuff instead of constantly stopping to judge others? If my life is full of criticism, then my time is spent. If I want to be successful, it will be cut short because the entertainment I find in criticism will cost me my success. If it is my choice to criticize, then I cannot blame others for my lack of success. Any person around me who is willing to take his mind off the task at hand to criticize, I must remember, I can either join him or not entertain negative counterproductive behavior. I don’t want any more information validating all the negative feelings I have about myself. I’ve spent many years spinning my wheels and using my mind in the most destructive manner. I don’t want to live this way any more and I know there are a lot of kids out there practicing behavior that will end in frustration resulting in bad choices. Life’s challenges are full of opportunity and we can either motivate each other around positive supportive relationship practices or add to a negative state of mind and burden both our characters. I once heard that life is


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like an escalator walking up the down direction. Stop and you go backwards. Keep going and put some effort into your step and you will get to the top. Any person who criticizes is blind to the calamity of faultfinding. Why? If you are defending and responding to a point of view, criticizing limits your viewpoints, and in learning a dance step, you want to come from an open feeling of new information using your right brain, which allows for more details to be processed than if you only use your left brain. Using both the right- and the left-brain hemispheres will allow for the best possible outcome in the learning process and make it a happier experience for you and your partner. A simple way of explaining this is, have you ever approached a past friend that you knew well and were so afraid that you would not remember their name, and did because of the fear of not remembering was stronger than your ability to retrieve it, not because you didn’t know their name, but because the fear of not remembering blocked you? When you criticize you set up the same fear factor and it is hard to process information unless you are both on the attack, then you really don’t get anything done. Faultfinding will trick you with a sense of accomplishment, but nothing will get done. Being involved in sales we are trained not to make our potential customer feel in the wrong. We are taught as salesmen, whether we would rather make the sale or be right. In life we can get what we want as long as we make sure others get what they want. To be right is a waste of time. Does this mean that the teacher can’t ever be right? No, this means that the teacher, the dance partner, or the student can’t be made to feel wrong. When there is a sense of progress you don’t feel wrong. Feeling wrong is a stop on the learning curve to compare one person’s progress and compare it to others. To be a team we must all feel supported through a constant flow of breakthroughs and keeping alive the learning stage and team spirit. How does this help in life? When you criticize, you limit your scope and do not allow for other variables to be a part of the equation. It is better not to limit the possible viewpoints and keep the door open to other considerations. Points of view and open minds stimulate everyone’s participation and a sense of working for the common good. I will need everything on the table to insure a team effort and a team result. If it is counterproductive to criticize, why do it?

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Step 2: Be Beautiful

Being beautiful is experiencing consideration and appropriate attention to your partner. Ian Whiteley and Elizabeth Jewett, two students from San Jose State are performing an oversway at the Elegant Era (the show where everyone dances) August 2, 2008.

Beauty is an inside job. What people see in your eyes is themselves through your attention to them, so be attentive, make good eye contact, and be sensitive to your partner. Communicate clearly and be a good listener. Talking is limited to the training; stay focused and you will be


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beautiful and always remember that the lost look is never attractive. A beautiful person is one who recognizes value in others. When you are working on a dance step, focused dedication to your responsibilities as well as the focused work you do with your partners is what positively connects you to your audiences in a beautiful way. The sensitivity to your partners as well as asking questions helps the team and develops your ability to communicate well. Each time you go through a difficult moment and through an intelligent pursuit of dance knowledge, you actively engage your own beauty as a person. Be courageous in your questions and never back down from the challenges of knowledge needed to engage the beauty within. Always be willing to grow and be open to the hard work it takes to be a dancer and a beautiful person. In dance, what a person looks like is partially what we are talking about. It is how a person comes across that tells the complete story, the picture that you paint will determine the charisma that exists on the dance floor. A dancer works on his or her lines, posture and body language, direction of the head, eye contact, as well as the choreography. A dancer’s head as well as body movement need to be sharp and clear. The picture we are creating in a performance is the same as any social encounter. It is important when we meet people or develop longstanding relationships that the attention to our posture and the way we look comes alive with intelligence when our focus is appropriate and on purpose. Elvis Presley sang a song that pointed out that life is a stage and everyone plays a part. What the song refers to is a boyfriend and a girlfriend and in this case a dance partner has to play a part and it has to be appropriate. In the training we discuss the behavior that plays well and the behavior that flops. To be beautiful people we need to stay focused and attentive to our responsibilities in relationship to our partners. The beauty within cannot be hidden under a veil of shyness, low selfesteem, or a pompous ego. Sometimes people are so stuck on themselves that it takes away from the entertainment value of a talented or bright person. Sometimes people are either so shy that no one can get who they are or sometimes a person will play shy because they think they are cute. This does not come across well and it certainly does not build the picture of confidence they want to project. The pompous person is just irritating because they would rather be with themselves than with you. Why is it that some performances pull you in and others make you want to look away? What is the difference between an engaging performance and

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one that is screaming, look at me? We need to know that the fine line of an appreciated performance can easily not be crossed just by the attention we give our partners and the focused attention we give to the task at hand. We need to be focused on the right things and it will show. The entertainment value we have is dependent upon the delight we find in our being with the audience and the full attention we give our partners. Anything shy of being totally present diminishes its entertainment value and the beauty within. Ruth’s courage and how she helped others through her personal grief inspired Adrian to never give up when you’re down. The theme to live by is “Let your grief be the energy you need to help another person.” Adrian dancing in the parking lot with student, Ruth Niven, who danced and performed with Adrian until she was 86 years old. Ruth was an inspiration to Adrian as she survived two husbands and started a national program called Widow Services. Her message was “In helping others, your love lives on.”

Step 3: Acceptance A and B Acceptance comes in two forms: (1) accepting yourself and others; and (2) accepting where you are in the learning curve. To be productive you can only move forward when working on something you can do something about. To be a dance partner you must give your partners all of your attention and only focus on the task at hand. If you have a habit of evaluating everything and everyone, only working with people you understand and discriminating against those you feel are different than you, your life as a team player will limit your potential as a dancer and as a person. Will you accept your life filled with timeconsuming thoughts that have nothing to do with moving you forward? Unless you have a job that requires this type of discrimination, that is what you spend your life doing. Do you get paid for it? Or do you find so much entertainment in finding things not to accept that you are willing to give your life to it. If so, then it will cost you success in every other area of your life and this includes dance partners, financial partners, and difficulties with life partners. No one is perfect and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can get back to work with the things that really do count. This program focuses in on the dance skills you can learn and on being the best team dancer you can be. Team players make you feel safe in doing your best because of the emotional support and the sense of freedom you have


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to make your mistakes and keep going. You can do your best when you are in an environment of full potential. If your team members accept you the way you are, then they can help you through the rough spots. The exercise in acceptance as a team player is your proof that it works when you perform. Here are some other examples of the troubles you cause yourself if you do not accept others and their differences. These examples are included here to stimulate conversation to share personal stories where we have accepted or not accepted other things or people in our lives and the good and bad end results. If I am driving on the freeway and someone cuts me off, my choices can be to either get mad and react or accept that the person is in a hurry for whatever reason. Now really what can we do about that? Nothing and that’s the point, there is nothing we can do unless we decide to get our vengeance. Let us look at some of the reasons why a person would be in such a rush and see if that changes our willingness to accept their less-than-courteous driving. What if the person felt a heart attack coming on or the person just got a call from his wife who had just been stabbed and robbed and chose to call her husband first. The fact of the matter is that if you knew the story behind every inconvenience, would you think differently about the situation? What if you do get your vengeance and it makes you feel good at the time but the end result is that you get into an accident because of the pursuit and now everyone is waiting for an ambulance for you? There is always a negative consequence to not accepting the way things are. If the objective of this step is to get the best results from our team by being a great team player then all our energy needs to be spent on constructive work, the things we can do something about. This is the exercise we must all learn when dealing with things we did not accept. Have we ever done anything that another person did not accept about us? How did it feel? Did you ever feel misunderstood? Every opportunity coming from openness and acceptance will give us an opportunity to grow and feel better about ourself. A dance team can be a real blast and the closeness we gain will be through our willingness to create a safe place to grow and be accepting of all the dynamics we encounter in our breakthroughs as struggling artists. Anger and jealousy are the result of personal fear where none should exist. Fear will stop us and something has to replace the fear so that it doesn’t look like fear, so we choose things like not accepting others, and therefore our inadequate feelings are

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replaced with a show of courageous refusal to go forward. What have we not accepted that has left us on the sidelines and nothing to show for it? I call this wasted days and wasted nights – what have we done with our time? The key to happiness is acceptance and so if we are to get things done, we have only to come from a state of acceptance. Let us look at accepting self: Do you? Have you ever felt envy? Envy is not accepting that you don’t have something someone else has. You are not looking at the natural gifts you have but have focused on the gifts others have and wanted them more than your own. The action you take is against yourself with the negative poison you put into yourself called “envy.” You get to discover your unique charm when you are free to discover who you are. When you discover your strengths and weaknesses you get to work on your strengths and that will free you to allow others to have their own strengths. Now let us look at the power we give away when we don’t accept. Remember that our power comes from our ability to persuade our attitude toward reactive impressions of what things mean. Everything lives and dies and our clinging to feeling about thought can intensify and cause us great harm. Our duties are not dependent upon any other person, place, or thing, so we know that disturbance comes from the only thing we have power over and that is our interpretation of things outside our self and their significance. Accept life’s limits by pursuing your goals and working around your inevitabilities, (death, loss of job, loss of a relationship) and working with them rather than fighting them. Whatever your task in life, live it and always refrain from complaining. You are either active in your life which means you choose the success route, or you stand still by getting on your soap box complaining wondering why you are such a failure. Would you rather do something with yourself and make something happen or sit around and talk about how things would be different if things were different? Always remember that something gets done when you do something. You always have to assume that things happen for a reason and turn your problems into opportunities. This is where personal development happens because new ways of overcoming obstacles reveal themselves when we are forced to look for creative solutions.


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Step 4: Think Present Moment

Rica Salsa Formation Team dancing the finale number in the professional half of the Elegant Era show, August 2008.

In dance there is enough going on that unless you practice and get good at just concentrating on the present, you will lose your step, your partner, and your confidence. In dance you evolve to be able to concentrate because as with any muscle, when worked it gets stronger. There are some teachers in competitions that will do a hundred routines. When you begin as a dancer it is hard to remember three movements back to back. As any dancer will tell you we all start out just that way and we all get to the place where we learn thousands of steps a thousand different ways. It takes hard work but the good news is that at least there is a way you can get better at our abilities. To be a great dance team you have to be able to be present as the multiple dance details are performed with everything going on in your life, good and bad. You need to be able to compartmentalize and you can learn the language of a highly productive personality. Exercising this present-moment thinking in dance validates that you can do it and get better at it. If for any reason you have trouble learning your routines with others, let us talk about what you are thinking about and for sure you will discover that it is because you are thinking about something outside the present moment.

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As in Step Two “Be Beautiful”, the intelligent look is much more attractive but it is more important to know that present-moment thinking is extremely efficient. Developing your own mind will always be appreciated and useful to your partner. Stay conscious of your partner and what instruction is being described. Look at your partner, know their name, and keep your consciousness on class activity. This ability to stay focused on present-moment activity can make the difference in your personal achievements as well as being a successful dancer and being a valued team member. The mind can be a beautiful thing but it can also drive us crazy. This of course depends on what you are thinking about. In dance, if you think about what a person said, how they look, a bill not paid, or a car you want to buy, and try and think of your dance step and your dance partner, you are going to appear very slow. If you lack the ability to think present moment, your wandering mind will keep you busy and you will appear preoccupied. It doesn’t matter what you look like when you are present because you are active in acquiring information. You will never look bad while in the pursuit of knowledge. Do not cop out on yourself, pursue present-moment thinking and you will get faster in your thinking. You are not slow and you can get faster with present-moment thinking. The benefit of a disciplined life starts with practicing present-moment thinking. Use this program to develop a benefit that will insure happiness in the successful pursuit of dance knowledge and an acquiring-information attitude with your partner. Embrace every moment by working and using your mind to the task at hand. This intelligent approach to learning dance will be very useful in your command of life’s challenges. In life you will never be dissatisfied because with this ability you will replace depression, anger, and anxiety with the reality of the moment. As long as there is something to do there is hope that things will get better, and things will get better as long as you stay in the present. There is always plenty to do to get you into a better position. Every inch of improvement motivates you to the next step. Your successes add up and not only do you get better at it, you become an inspiration to others. Each one of these steps is taught to help create community as well as self because without self there is no community. When you think present moment you fill yourself with clarity. Any thought of the future or the past is an opinion so you must know the value of clear intention. To think present moment is to free yourself from feeling persecuted, helpless, and confused and stir resentment. All these emotions are negative and will separate you from your teammates. Be strong in purpose


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and know that your purpose is to make the team. This conscious choice consists of practicing ignoring thoughts that have nothing to do with present-moment duties. Instead, move forward toward the common goal. Nothing has to be cleared up or changed that is out of control. Things are what they are and the most intelligent and graceful work is staying active in the moment. It is fruitless to give credence to false thoughts and the melodramatic behavior that always accompanies excuses from staying in the present. You can’t continue harping on empty dreams of yesteryear because you lack the confidence, so you fail to try because you feel that what’s the use, you’ll end up with empty pockets anyway. Train to pursue details of the moment by living in the present and you will be free to succeed. Succeed in the ability to be present, know that present-moment activity and your friendships will soar because you will always be an asset. You will always be useful because you will always be available.

Coordinating your partner with the music, the dance step and your surroundings is practicing present moment thinking. The intelligence shows as Benjamin Nikitan and Donna Boushe perform at “The Elegant Era” (the show where everyone dances) August 2, 2008.

Step 5: Distinguish Yourself As a dance team member, the confidence you show as a performer has to be the real person that is within. You have to be able to be a dance partner

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without a withering personality. What does this mean and what does it have to do with you being a dance partner? This program is designed to teach you to be a great dance team and in this case how to be a great partner. If you have a special talent or a passion for a career that you don’t discover or investigate, you will walk around with a preoccupation that will not leave you alone. This preoccupation is a void inside you that you will try to fill through other things or people. As a dance team member you must experience what it is to develop relationships without having to fill this void through another person. You must learn to nurture that passion and the talent that lies within. You have a title and along with your name identify yourself as such. To be a full partner you must be free to be a complete you. Once you have worked on making that person a reality, you can give your full attention to the task of being a great partner and a vital part of being a great team member. Create a habit that will routinely feed the magnificent you and once you have taken care of yourself, no one can knock the stability out from underneath you. Your team efforts will not be burdened with jealousy, envy, or scarcity because when a person is complete within, the other person is free to do well and consequently be a contribution to your efforts. This exercise will help in personal relationships because the negative energy of envy, jealousy, and scarcity is only active in a person who is not happy with their life because they are walking around with a void that needs to be filled with something or somebody and keeps you separate and needy. You will always feel left out no matter what goes on around you. It is not easy to be with a person who is so needy but you have no choice unless you distinguish yourself and you nurture that person on a daily basis. When a person is needy, incomplete with themselves, and walking around with their void, they will also find it difficult to be around successful people. Couples need to know that a relationship is not possible unless you can detach enough to see that the relationship will only have a chance if there is enough contentment separate from each other as there is happiness with each other. This is easy to say when you are not in a relationship but more difficult when you are close to someone. It is important that individuals learn the habits associated with a healthy relationship so when you get into one, you know the red flags and what to do about them. To keep the relationship healthy, know that you must be supportive and not take it out on the other person if things go wrong. We need to find a way to behave in a way that is noble. A relationship has the experience of stability when you are free to put 100% into the relationship because you are being supported in being 100%. It is out of choice and not out of dependency that you are together. At no time will dependency work in a relationship, it must be interdependent. The difference between the two is that dependent is when


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you need the other person to fill your void and interdependent is when you are complete without the other person and you are their greatest fan. Many relationships are about competition, power, and control. If you find yourself needing to be sure about your mate being right for you, you are looking in the wrong place. The place is self, the right person is you. When you fall in love it is not a choice, love happens when you are with the right person and no matter what that person does, you can still love them even if they don’t love you because they are not responsible for your completeness, you are. The point here is that it is important to know what behavior can sabotage a relationship and what actions are supportive to a healthy relationship. An incomplete person will be negative and unconscious about their need to control and will always make the mistake of trying to protect their insecurities with ultimatums that are too confining and most people will eventually feel like a caged animal. When backed into a corner this caged animal will react to this low self-esteem method of survival with nothing left to do but criticize the other. This once-perfect match will eventually be the worst choice and no one will ever believe the horror stories both partners’ friends get about these once-special people. Some people like low selfesteem, negative, dependent, and controlling people in their lives because their insecurity finds relief when someone demands to know where they are at all times. If this is what you need then you will get very little from this program because this program is geared to empower you to be your best with or without a partner. It is my feeling that love should be spent with someone that only wants the best for you and you are empowered to do the same for your partner. You are not a threat to your partner and your partner is not a threat to you. Who wouldn’t want to be in a relationship that only wants the best for each other as partners of their separate goals? This program is geared to train those future parents who want to make sure that their kids are not raised in a broken home. I believe as a country we have a better chance at the bargaining table of world affairs if our family units are strong. To distinguish yourself means to know your passions, talents, and how you can bring your personal gifts to the world. You have to know that personal integrity starts with your conscious choices and to be a great team player you must all give it your personal best. Work on self and you will be a contribution to the team. Distinguish yourself and no one will ever be able to knock you off course. You will be free of negative energy and this ability is very important to you, your partner, your team, and your country. How do you create a future that was meant for you, stimulated with feeding the hungering soul within you, but you don’t know what that is? First,

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you must have friends that you can talk to; second, you must be able to have fun and dance like children in a playground; and third, you must be in service to your fellowmen so you will need to close your eyes every morning and every evening and ask the powers from the heavens to answer the question for you. Your passion will surface and on a daily basis work on that natural gift. It may be as simple as drawing pictures, taking your temperature, and seeking to answer questions you may have about the body, playing a sport, or singing a song. You might be an artist, a doctor, an athlete, or a singer, and whether you make millions or not you just make people happy, then your service to others will insure that the demand for you is greater than your relationship. Your closest friends, relatives, and your dance partners, as well as your significant others, will be there for you. It will not be out of need but out of choice that they are with you. Now distinguish yourself; because of you the world is a better place.

Step 6: Follow Hygiene In general, we should always be clean but in some things it is easy to get away with less than a pleasant scent coming from your direction. Dance is

Ricardo Sandoval and Karen Amaya are learning to dance together which requires cooperation and good hygiene.


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an intimate sport and so it is that we will be very close to our partners. It is very important that we protect our partners from germs and unpleasant body odors. We must wash our hands before and after each class, brush our teeth on a daily basis, and keep our breath fresh especially after a meal. Dance is a discipline and to be a team, we must live a disciplined life. Dance routines are made beautiful because of the details. It is important that the same detailed attention we put to our routines, we put into our daily life. Building Respect Through Dance is about building the respect we must have for ourself first and out of respect for our partners, we must bring to them a clean person. If you have a cold, excuse yourself from the group. If you are present, watch and learn as much as you can from the sidelines. Protecting your team will keep you healthy when it is time for you to bring yourself back to the team. This practice must be adhered to out of respect for your teammates and the personal integrity you are choosing to improve by being in this program.

Step 7: Be of Service The unity we build in our team is the most cherished quality we have. Our routines and our performances depend on this bond. We must be willing to ask questions or, when asked, be a model to demonstrate a step. We must be available to each other, not because we have to but because our service to each other will add the benefit of humility through the willingness of working through our fears. A selfish nature is self-destructive and will always create enemies. Working on self has to be balanced with service because our common goal will bring us an irresistible strength of purpose. When we are in service we will always build positive relationships. To be a great team we must know the skill of keeping all our relationships positive. There is so much to learn in dance that unless we come from service, it is impossible to learn all the steps. As a beginner teacher, my first coaches instilled in me that as soon as I learned a step, I was to teach it or I’d lose it. It is for this reason that I bring Step Seven to the training. I’ve since learned that there are so many more benefits to teaching what you’ve learned than just remembering a step. Although this is how we are going to practice this concept, this step has been around and is very prevalent in old cultures of wisdom.

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In other cultures, the elders bring us wisdom because they’ve lived life and have something to offer, answering questions of the youth. If we as a society are to benefit from this practice, we can breathe life into this step by teaching someone younger what we have learned in this program. Cultures stay alive and evolve because the individual learns that a person dies no matter what but can continue to live through his service to mankind. As a dance team we can fill this gap in our personal lives by activating the selfless practice of service. Knowledge has a way of dissolving or evolving through the practice of service or the lack of it. One-mindedness can distort the reality of effective movement just like one-mindedness can distort the reality of a relationship. When we are able to open our minds to the many views service offers us, we live fully as individuals. It can be said that we develop our selfless practices for selfish motives. We do get better at whatever we are learning if we teach. We also become better at being people if we come from service. If we want to be content in life no matter how much or how little money you make, be of service and you will always be prosperous. This same prosperous person is important to your teammates as well as your family. It can also be said that we cannot tap into our real genius unless we tap into helping others. Our ability to learn is sustained through our unity and our abiding trust in each other through our willingness to help strengthen our team and we transcend all fear and pain to courage and ability. Always be in service and you will never run out of benefits. A selfish person will always limit you and no matter how much money they have, will never have enough. Come from service and your life will be full and abundant with or without money. I personally know many people with millions in the bank who are not in service. I also know many people with millions who are always in service. I personally know people with very little money that are not in service and many people that have very little money but are always in service. The ones with money who are not in service are broke all the time, and the ones who don’t have much money and are not in service are negative and are always criticizing. The many whom I know who don’t have much money and are always in service have an abundance of friends and I never think of them as being broke. They may be broke but it doesn’t show, whereas with the people who have money but lack being in service to others, I experience scarcity. To be a great team, we must not come from scarcity. A winning team is a bonded group of friends who have a lot to offer each other. That’s a team “In Service.”


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Youth Health Advocates helping each other with new dance steps, June 2007.

Step 8: Challenge Yourself Every step you learn stretch your thinking about how your body is moving. Take a step and challenge your ability to take bigger steps, flex your muscles through the movement, and create a personality and character to the pattern. Challenge yourself to be better and better at your step till the movement can be danced with a free flow of full expression. In this way you will take dance from the left side of the brain, the intellectual side where the dance pattern had to start and where the hard work is, to the right side of the brain, the emotional side where the enjoyment is. You will bring your partner feelings of enjoyment and aliveness, and the music can be fully appreciated. Challenge yourself by creating a habit of practice so that at the same time every day, you work on mastering your step. Challenge yourself to bring your personality to everything you learn and your step will be your own. Challenge yourself to bring this command in personality to your partner. Let your partner have all of your performance skill and do it in such a way that it supports the team effort: man plays his drama and woman plays her drama. The experience we bring to our partners is why dance is considered a performing art. We don’t only dance for public audiences but we also dance for our partners and ourselves. We

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Fashionate Rhythm Dance Company, Adrian FIores Presents “The Swing Era” (the show where everyone dances) January 22, 2005.

need to turn into the performer and the audience will be our self, our partner, and any other person watching our work. You cannot put menial work into your dance and expect a great performance. You might say I am not dancing to make an impression; I’m just taking the class to take a class. Life is filled with challenges and investing your personality into the drama of a dance is to bring the team fuel to be the best. To just get by and not put your heart into it is not the way life will provide the joy that exists out there for you. Go for the gusto and fully play with what’s possible for you in dance. Don’t self-destruct out of vanity, laziness, or negative thinking and know that life is a dichotomy. You can’t be of service to others unless you work on yourself, you can’t look good if you are always more concerned about how you look than the task at hand, you can’t truly have something unless you give it away. Let us look at how vanity can cause you to self-destruct. If someone shows you a step but you are afraid to attempt learning the step because you may look funny, you will constantly be a frustration to yourself and others who want to have fun. Learn and play an active role in the life of others as well as your own. People want to see you try so that they can try. In working out a step is where the real commonality exists between people. Challenging yourself is to build motivation to the team.


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Step 9: Commit to Success This means that every challenge needs to be met with a commitment to succeed. If we are to be responsible for the outcome of our efforts we must create a state of mind that bears fruit no matter what we do. If it is learning a step or teaching a step, we must commit to being 100% successful no matter what obstacles we have to overcome. We have to know that we are creative enough and endowed with the imagination to look at any challenge as an opportunity. I once had a friend who became a nuclear science engineer out of committing to the job. As a child he loved to play with his chemistry set and from early childhood developed the habit of successful attempts at his projects. No matter what he blew up, it was his habit to “pursue till satisfied.” His legacy included many failed attempts but this was to the outside world. To him it was a piece of the puzzle that was being perfected and so it was for him that he succeeded with everything because he never quit. If every team member committed to success, we would have team players with no other option but to succeed. His relationship succeeded I believe because his main goal, his purpose, his passion was satisfied and then he fell in love. His world was built around his passion and he came home to a loving wife because he is who she fell in love with – “the mad scientist”. Although this is a dance program, it will not make you a dancer. You will be considered a dance enthusiast, and the vehicle you can use to develop your friendships and to have a fun social outlet is dance. This step will create for you such freedom that your teammates will turn out to be the greatest. Why? Because your commitment to success is so enjoyable to be around, you become a great team member.

Step 10: Commit to the Group In order to be successful as a group you need individuals committed to the team. This is very important because it will bring out the best in you as an individual. Like when you commit to success, your interest is to do your best, but when you add the group, you actually teach yourself to be bigger than you are independent of the group. If you are better by committing to the group, the breakthroughs in personal development are leadership skills, sales development, popularity, personal power in social situations, and the ability to duplicate yourself. These are all qualities that will insure comfort and success with people.

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Now let us look at what happens if you only commit to yourself without concern for others. First of all you will set up competition which will separate you from your classmates, you will not help others because of the fear that they will get ahead of you, you will create resentment because there will always be someone who will do something better than you, you will need to make a point where you are better than others, consequently making others feel bad or angry. The list goes on but more importantly you will be stuck with less than everyone else because you come from scarcity and scarcity will be your lot. You will always have less of everything, less money, less friends, less work, less ability, and less command of your life. Guess what you are left with – criticism. I truly believe that there is too much loneliness in this country; everyone is an individual trying to overpower the next person. Is this their answer to popularity? Do they think that the attention they get by being all-powerful will be what will get those dates? In reality, they have created an obstacle for people to get close. The friends you wrap your finger around will be even less powerful, with more to prove. Where do you think this story will end up? The courage that will be required to do more and more dangerous things to get more attention, showing the power you think will get you out of the lonely state that you are in will spiral you downward and I really don’t

The Nancy Doize Dance Company bond like family. “We are better individually when we commit to the group”.


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believe that was our original intention. We as a society need to bring this behavior to the attention of our innocent so that we don’t keep repeating the same mistakes. It is just words that we have to communicate and through this program, we can commit to our group and change the course of millions. Let’s dance.

Step 11: Only Respond to Positive Behavior No one likes to look dumb and the fear of looking bad will come out in behavior that is disruptive. To camouflage our lack of confidence we might be tempted to disturb the flow and maybe no one will notice that we can’t process the information, which isn’t true. As a team player we must support those who disrupt the class by not paying attention to the actions of the individual who is the cause of such interruption. Through our silence and lack of reaction to negative comments, we are inviting this person to join the team and get back on course. By no means support this lack of confidence and nervous behavior. Don’t let others drag you down, help your neighbor by only responding to positive behavior. There will always be those who learn faster than you and there will be times when you pick up something faster than others and you’ve got to stay tuned in to have your moments of success. You will never be able to find those positive attributes about yourself if you join the negative force. Remember that the insecure person needs company and also know that he can join the team and collect the positive experiences all team players experience. The common bond between us is the work it takes to develop the coordinated efforts of the dance team and impact an audience with the entertainment value we all have as dancers. Another reason for disruptive behavior is boredom. Know that at times you will have a choice to be active in the information and practice something you already know and make it better or cop out to boredom. Remember this is a cop-out and another opportunity to practice a skill that can put you on a path of habits that insures your success. In a class where a hundred other students are being taught the same material there will be times when you will feel like doing something else other than being in the class. Those who are easily distracted will find disruptive behavior refreshing. Remember that your life is your choice and you cannot blame

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your mother, father, brother, a neighbor, a romantic relationship, a car or lack of one, or anything else to knock you off course. It is not going to make a difference to anyone in your later years what got you off course. You are the only one who can pay attention or not pay attention to the information that is freely handed to you that will give you the skill to make your life powerful and happy. It is totally dependent upon what you pay attention to, so only respond to positive behavior, do not allow another person to engage your attention on anything else than class material. This ability will be your ticket to always run with the winners and you too will be a winner and you will be with a team that supports you 100%. You add value to the team and are welcome to a lifestyle that will fill your life with lifelong friends.

Step 12: Perform with the Group As a professional ballroom dance teacher I came to understand that if I want my student to improve, each level of progress had a plateau and each breakthrough had lifelong benefits. The benefits included being

Feature performances from the Nancy Doize Dance Company at the Elegant Era Show in August of 2008, theme of team work includes being civic minded and caring for each other as citizens and members of the same great country.


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comfortable in your own skin, confidence, really caring for others, being appreciated, a sense of belonging, being acknowledged, a sense of worth, and a strong connection to society. The value of being worth something is brought about through performance. When you perform with the group, you are needed, counted on, and you count on others. You do not have to face your fears alone and you are taught how to overcome your fears so that dancing can work for you. You come out stronger and more confident and with a fantastic common bond with your teammates because you did it together. You get close to your fellow students and this will bring out the best in you as a caring person. The performance is proof that you can now create the same outcome in all your endeavors in life. The performance is the end result of putting to practice all the other steps to being a great team. We are all created to do some good but we are not clear about that good until it is in our bodies. We must direct our bodies to show the clarity within and we must coordinate our efforts with others. This ability broadens our awareness to our perception of what is really possible for us. This we must feel with our hearts and experience our possibilities through the eyes of others. This is the commitment to perform with the team and developing our performance skills requires our commitment and our life is truly in action. Making up a life in our head is totally unsatisfactory. Once the reality of the commitment to performance is achieved through the actual performance, we will no longer tyrannize ourselves by staying in our head. We are in action and out of our head, and the reality about our capabilities now has foundation. Instead, we will answer every challenge that requires a team effort and accomplish more in life. Perform with the group, be a team player, and you will succeed. The rules of life are just like nature; show up and do your thing. Your magnificence is in the showing up, your magnificence is recognized when you perform, and your magnificence is appreciated when you motivate others to also contribute by giving them an opportunity to also contribute. When you hear the applause, know that you are a contribution. You are important to your team, your family, and your country.

Step 13: Be Real A real person is one who does not have to make up things to fit in; they walk their talk and make life their own. A real person can’t get into trouble

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because they are powerful enough to do just what they know is best for them without breaking the laws of the land. A real person can have problems and will know exactly what to do to handle them. When you talk to a real person, you know where they stand and you are always comfortable around them. Why? They are not afraid and they do not make you feel uncomfortable. Quite the contrary, they are very engaging and you will like being around them. Some people think that being real is saying something offensive or telling someone what you think of them while trying to hurt them and calling it the truth. Now you know that if someone is not perfect, it is your responsibility to appropriately help with an intelligent approach, not ridicule. The ability to do life on life’s terms is the ability to command your space in the mix of chaos. They are not afraid to form partnerships with those who can help them get to where they are going. They are not afraid to follow the directions of a leader who can help them achieve a worthy goal and they are not afraid to take chances. A real person knows what they like and don’t like and it is not dependent upon an outside need for approval. They do not need your approval but find enjoyment in service to their fellows because they have something to offer. A real person will find their place in life, hone their skill and, no matter what you think of them, find satisfaction in what they do. What is yours is yours and what is another’s is someone else’s. Your gifts, your talents, your ability, and your accomplishments are all yours. A fake on the other hand has to try and make you believe something about them that does not exist. They will lie to make themselves look better than they are. They can’t take ridicule and they will say anything to please you even if it isn’t true. They do not put to use their own energy to accomplish work they were responsible for. They will take from others to paint a picture of themselves that is built on lies and deceit. They will say things to get your approval instead of hold their own because they have no confidence in that what they have to offer has any value. They are not willing to work for anything because it takes strength they do not have, so they bathe in a pool of lies rather than start at the bottom and work on any God-given ability. They do not have the humility or the strength to start at the bottom so they never get to the top of anything except maybe the top bunk bed in a jail cell. The sad part about an individual who is not real is that the potential a person has is hidden under a veil of dishonesty and they don’t know it; everyone else can see it but a dishonest person is blind to his defect. When your own truth gets


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idden deeper and deeper, you can’t recognize the truth from the lie. h Even your accomplishments are just words that come out as plans or wishes or complaints. Dance is an example of the humility it takes to be your own person. To be real you have to start at the bottom on a daily basis. It is a constant effort to get good at the basics in order to be your best at the challenges that lie ahead of you in advanced work. As a dancer you are always working with mirrors and so it is, you can’t lie about what you see. You are never good enough and you are always willing to put the work into getting better, and you do. As a dance team member, you have others counting on your skill and you are either good and help others or you need work and are willing to ask for help. As a team member you will need to work with others and be willing to start from scratch and take it from there. You need to work with what is real and the outcome is real success. There is always progress when you have something to work on and you put the work into it to make it better. In life you will always get better at whatever you want to accomplish but only if you are able to “be real.” The respect you build in this program starts with self and you use the same humble practice of a dancer to build a society of respectful citizens through your common bond in dance, as a dancer, as a dance team player. After this program it will be very apparent when you are just show. Your ability to be with people will connect you and you will never have to feel alone. Not that you will never feel lonely but that you will have choice and you will know what to do about it and take responsibility for your state of mind. Can it be that all I have to do is take a dance class and life will get better? Everyone has to start somewhere and it might as well begin with friends and music. From a better frame of mind start again and you will get to where you are going. Life is in the doing, and always remember, “You are the only one who can do it but you cannot do it alone.” You will never be able to self-inflict a barrier between you and your fellowman or woman because the pain you cause yourself will be exposed for what it really is. F.E.A.R is false emotions appearing real, and your command of being real is in the only thing we have total control of and that is our own honesty. Just tell the truth and Step 13 will be your ticket to ride life with success and friends. I call this Lucky 13 because when people can count on you, doors will open for you and life will be filled with opportunity. Always tell the truth and you are free to evolve to your highest potential. See you on the dance floor.

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Andrew P. Hill High School students walking off stage after performing five routines taught by Adrian Flores through the “Building Respect Through Dance” program, a pilot that produced confidence in each participant to then perform for a thousand people. As a society we need to showcase and glamorize the polished adult.

Walk your talk – you can be trusted. It’s not luck; it takes personal inner strength to be real. You are not a wannabe, you are who you say you are. That’s real.

Lead the Way We live in a fast-paced world, in a hurry to climb the ladder of success. How do we do this with integrity? We must learn to get along, get to know each other, and develop positive lines of communication so that we are in constant practice of treating each other with respect. Can grassroots leadership exist in our communities? Can we structure our educational institutions to be safe and highly productive? If we fail to consider the people around us, we will be unconscious of the impact our own behavior has on others. If we learn the supportive


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language of teamwork, we can develop intelligent, supportive communication skills, organizational techniques, and confidence in our leadership abilities. When we learn the rules of society we will bond with predictable acts and deeds. The best place to experience and develop these skills is in the high-energy, healthy world of ballroom dance.

Civility The nice thing about civility is the more you practice it, the greater are your chances at predictable outcomes in your relationships with people. There is always a sense of satisfaction when you know that you’ve used your social skills. Taking a dance lesson, going to a dance, or attending any social event, knowing proper social behavior will give you confidence. If we demonstrate common courtesies, they can bring aliveness to any event, and the popularity of dance broadens your world with partners. The opportunities to comfortably meet people is always new and exciting, so let’s dance but let us start with the formalities of getting a class started.

Step into the Classroom Girls and boys enter and separate to opposite ends of the room, boys on one side and girls on the other. We all want to have friends and learn together in a safe and supportive environment. It is easy to learn to dance if we practice our steps independent of each other first. Then we can progress with partners.

Partner Up Form lines at one end of the room, pair up, and create lines down the middle of the dance floor. The boys take the girls’ left hand with their right, bow to each other, and then lead the girls down to the middle of the dance floor. Then they drop the hand and face each other and wait for instruction.

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Introductions Look at each other and maintain eye contact for the duration of the introduction. Boys extend right hand to girl. Girls respond by taking boy’s right hand with their right hand. A full handshake is gripping the hands all the way up to the thumb. Boys: Hello, my name is ______, I am sponsored by (the business or persons that sponsored you) and your name is? Girls: Hello, my name is ______, I am sponsored by (the business or persons that sponsored you), pleased to meet you. Boys: May I have this dance? Girls: Yes you may. At this point the introduction is complete and girls move one partner to the right and repeat till everyone has met each other. Girls at the beginning of the line go to the end of the line when changing partners. It is important to note that if there are more boys than girls, the boys move one partner to the left when changing partners. Boys at the beginning of the line will then move to the end of the line and continue till everyone has met.

Resume Positions for Instruction All students resume lines separating from each other and return to opposite sides of the room. We must learn our dance steps first individually and then we can do the steps together as partners.

Boys – Balance Step Forward It is important that every movement has a balanced position. Our first exercise is to repeat the balanced position in four directions and execute


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the step to the time of the music. Enjoy the song by using this basic pattern and completing individual positions to the beat. Left foot committed Right foot positioned With the inside edge of foot in contact with the floor with pressure Boy takes forward step with left foot and his right foot follows and is used to balance the body over the step. Bring right foot up to left using the inside edge of right foot and putting enough pressure onto the floor to feel secure and balanced.

Boys – Balance Step Back Now after your first step forward, the second movement in the step is to go back to original position. Boy steps back with right foot, now using the inside edge of left foot to balance.

Girls – Side Step to the Right Weight is on the left foot Right foot positioned for balance Side step with the right foot Left foot follows to balance position Take a step to the right, balance your position. Since these are two moves, use the movement to keep the beat and repeat to your self, 1, 2 1, 2 1, 2 1, 2

Boys – Left Foot Is Again Ready to Execute Another Step Girls – Balance Step Back Weight on left foot Right foot positioned for balance using inside edge of foot to secure balance 52


Right foot back Left foot follows, using the inside edge of the left foot to secure balance

Right Foot Stepping Back Right foot Left foot positions Secure and balanced No talking while instruction is taking place. You will want to know all the details of the step being instructed when it comes time to do the steps with a partner. If another class member starts talking, excuse yourself from participation and explain that you need to pay attention to the instructor. Remember rules 2, 9, 10, and 11.

Girls – Balance Step Forward Weight on right foot forward with left foot Right foot follows securing balance Every time you take a step, the foot that you step with is the committed foot; the other foot is used to secure your balance and is ready to be used for the next step Left foot takes a step forward and is committed Right foot follows and secures balance

Boys – Side Step to the Left Weight is on the right foot Left foot is used to secure your balance Side step to the left Right foot slides to left foot securing balance with the inside edge of the foot Transforming Your Community Through Dance

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Stepping to the left weight is on the right foot and Balance with the left foot

Boys – Side Step to the Right Weight is on the left foot Side step to the right Left foot slides over to the right foot to secure balance Right foot side Inside edge of right foot is used to secure balance

Girls – Side Step to the Left Weight is on right foot Left foot is positioned for balance Side step to the left Right foot follows and secures balance Since this is two movements, each movement is repeated numerically, 1, 2 1, 2 1, 2 1, 2 Remember, the foot you step with is the committed foot, and the following foot is used to secure your balance. Use the two movements to keep time to the music. Each step starts with the available foot. The available foot is the foot you are using to hold your balance, the other foot is committed. Repeat this movement until you can enjoy the music without thinking about the step.

Reposition to Partners Girls and Boys in a line meet at one end of the room, move to greet each other, and form a line down the middle of the room as partners.

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Upon reaching your partner at the top of the line, boys use your right hand to take her left, bow to each other then turn, and create a new line down the middle of the room. When you arrive at the other end of the room, turn and face each other, dropping the hand and wait for instruction.

Permission to Dance Boy – Reach out with your right hand and ask for permission to dance. Girl – Respond with shaking the boy’s right hand. Boys – Hello, my name is ___. May I have this dance? Girl – Yes you may, thank you for asking. It is very important to know that we are all important but not more important than our partners are. These formalities are required when we demonstrate the care we take to respect ourselves with the actions we take with others.

With Partners, Balanced Positions Take hands, step, and go to balanced positions in four directions. Forward balance, back balance, and side to the left and balance, side to the right and balance Change partners by moving down one partner Each pattern needs to be practiced with each counterpartner. Respect for all your partners is exercised when practicing social formalities and dance patterns together. Getting used to practicing an art form that requires cooperation between a boy and a girl will bring the confidence we all need to be successful in this world of many people. Repeat this exercise with music and count verbally or in your mind several times before changing partners. By the time you get back to the partner


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you started with, you will have command of the step you are working on. Each step and each partner helps to bring more confidence to the new information you are putting into your body and your mind.

Executing the Steps The execution of each step and each part of a step is done to the time of the music. We will all do the same step at the same time if we use our steps and our balanced positions as a metronome. Pictured here is the full team of dancers comfortable, confident, and in uniform. The contribution we give each other as a team teaches all the dancers to recreate the team effort in everything we want to accomplish in life. All dance patterns are done once then done again with every partner in the class. The learning experience is the common bond we need to feel to be a part of the team. As we learn new steps we can eventually create original works of dance with the same precision.

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C h a p t e r

4

The Program

This program is designed to prepare one for the social demands placed upon success-minded socially active individuals. One will build confidence knowing the social skills that will enhance one’s comfort in business or pleasure social events. To engage these skills one must practice this knowledge by working together. It starts with self-respect, respect of others, and a strong connection to society. The success of this program is dependent upon the success of us all; no student is less or more important than another. We must work as a team and in choosing to be in this program, we are committing to help as well as be helped. We are in a global economy and if we are to prepare for the world’s social demands made upon adults in the work force, we must be knowledgeable and confident. Are we up to the task?

Sign the Agreement Ballroom dancing is an art form that requires cooperation between two people. You will learn these skills and learn to dance with each other. It is important that boys and girls work together to develop the awareness that enhances our ability to address any challenges they face in relationships, whether boyfriend/girlfriend, parent/child, boss/employee, husband/wife, or friend/friend. We also ask that


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you release all rights to use your name or picture taken of you, as this program is designed to be duplicated and will include the media. Your name and picture may be used in newspapers, television, and the required publicity announcing our shows. Three items must be agreed on before starting the training: 1. You must agree to commit to the 13 steps to guarantee success. 2. You must sign a release to use your name and photos for publicity. 3. You must perform with the group. Success is often inconvenient. The more you are willing to be inconvenienced because you are committed to something, the more success you will experience in life. This is a contract you make with yourself and this contract has to be signed to allow for the use of your name and pictures for public benefit. Student’s name and signature Parents’ names and signatures Principal’s signature Teacher’s signature

Listen to Instruction To be successful in life, we must pay attention to what we are doing at all times. Wondering minds are doomed to wonder. Disciplined minds are trained to learn and process information. This ability starts as a child and continues to adulthood. If you do not develop the ability as children you will have less of this ability as an adult. The students that can process more information will have the edge as adults. All students already know what they know; the ability to strengthen your brain is also strengthened when you learn to listen. Listen and learn or talk and drop behind. Listen and process information and master acquiring knowledge. Paying proper attention to your teacher is very respectful and helps to develop a great self-image as well as self-respect. 58

The Program

The listening skills can be improved and tested when you teach others what you have learned in class. Teach others everything you learn and you will develop faster as a student and you will experience the leadership roles of a successful person.

The Roles Since ballroom dancing is an art form that requires cooperation we must be responsible for the roles we play as a dance team. The boy must start his body moving forward or back depending on the direction of the step, taking into consideration line of dance, other dancers on the floor, and the dance step he is executing. The girl will respond and go with her partner. The boy’s responsibility is to take care of the girl and make sure she understands where to go before taking a step. There is a lot of attention we must both give each other as we dance our steps together. There is a leader and there is a follower. We both play the role as leader and we both play the role as follower, but for different reasons and in alternating intervals. The boy starts but then he must go to where the girl has interpreted the step to be. We do the step as boys for the girl, so I ask you, who’s leading? Then the boy executes and again he follows her interpretation, who’s leading? The sensitivity we develop as dancers will create the reverence we must all feel toward our fellow team members. We are not ever to feel like we did anything wrong, we all make our personal corrections dependent on the partnership. It is discouraged to correct a fellow student without first getting agreement from our partner that they want this type of help. Since we are all in the learning state, we must not make our fellow team members feel uncomfortable. Every person learns at a different pace and must be allowed to process the information in his or her own way. The teacher will allow mistakes to be made and that is why we change partners. All students will learn something a little different from each partner and we will find there is magic learning through the spirit of the group.

Leading and Following As a dance team there must be a way to communicate without talking. We must pay attention to each other and there must be a role we play. Men dance as men and women dance as women. Men represent power and Transforming Your Community Through Dance

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women demonstrate beauty. Men are taught to take care of the women. Women are taught to respond to the men. At the same time men must understand that everything they do is with the consent of the women. The opportunity to show off their skills with the full attention of the women is the perfect dynamic for the knight in shining armor to show up. The man must understand that his natural tendencies of being a hero is demonstrated by his creativity and making the experience interesting. He must get his partner’s agreement every step of the way and so it is that if he uses this same technique in his life, his relationships will be successful because this is the classic definition of empowerment. When the woman empowers the man, she has more fun in life because she is experiencing the male strength being used to help her enjoy her feminine charm. When the man is not afraid of her beauty and demonstrates it through his dance, she feels taken care of and paid attention to and they both feel appreciated. Once he starts dancing he must make sure she is taken care of, danced correctly, and made to feel comfortable. The man must make sure she knows when and where to take her next step. These examples show how powerful each partner is to the other and how dependent they are in order to experience this power. The man must get the agreement to dance with the woman and then dance and take care of her. The frame of the man must move in the direction he wants his partner to move toward before he can take a step. So much is dependent upon the attention and respect they give each other as partners of the same song.

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The Program

C h a p t e r

5

Dance to All Types of Music

Waltz is 3 beats per measure and most of your other dances are 4 beats per measure. Depending on the character of the dance, you can have the same pattern and it will look different. Waltz is counted 1, 2, 3; 1, 2, 3 Fox Trot, Rumba, and Swing are 4/4 time, which means that there are 4 beats to each measure. Depending on the dance, these four counts are counted with a slight difference in the character of the dance.

Fox Trot The following exercise is now done to music. The music carries with it an elegant, jazzy, smooth attitude to it and so the patterns have to be danced with this kind of personality. Posture is very important and helps maintain balance while executing steps with a partner. Fox Trot can be danced with a slight bounce mixing the jazzy as well as the elegant smooth nature of the dance. BOYS: Left foot forward on 1 Right foot closes to left, balance on 2 Right foot walks in place on 3


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Left foot walks in place on 4 Right foot steps back on 1 Left foot closes to right, balance on 2 Left foot walks in place on 3 Right foot walks in place on 4 GIRLS: Right foot steps back on 1 Left foot closes to right, balance on 2 Left foot walks in place on 3 Right foot walks in place on 4 Left foot forward on 1 Right foot closes to left, balance on 2 Right foot walks in place on 3 Left foot walks in place on 4 Fox Trot is done to 4/4 time so each forward and back action takes 4 counts of the music. Repeat and get comfortable with the music and your partner. Change partners and expand your awareness through the unique leading and following contributions each partner brings to each exercise. Each forward-and-back movement must demonstrate the ability to balance and use the music to the character of the dance.

Rumba Rumba music is slow and charming with a romantic flavor. The pattern we will use to begin work on the Rumba dance is the same as in Fox Trot, but the character of the dance is different so we will work the body and the legs a little differently.

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BOYS: Weight is on the right foot, straight Leg with left knee bent and right hip Back. Left foot forward on 1 Right foot closes to left on 2 (Right knee is now bent) Right foot walks in place on 3 (Left knee is now bent) Left foot walks in place on 4 (Right knee is now bent) Right foot back on 1 Left foot closes to right foot on 2 (Left knee is bent) Left foot walks in place on 3 Right foot walks in place on 4 GIRLS: Standing in place, weight is on the left foot with the right knee bent. Left hip is back preparing to switch which hip moves back upon taking a step. Right foot steps back on 1 (Switch to right hip back) Left foot closes to right on 2 (Left knee is bent) Left foot walks in place on 3 (Right knee is bent)


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Right foot walks in place on 4 (Left knee is bent) Left foot steps forward on 1 Right foot closes to left on 2 (Right knee is bent, left hip is back) Right foot walks in place on 3 (Switch hip and bent knee) Left foot closes to right on 4 (Switch hip and bent knee) The bending knees and hip movement demonstrates the Latin feeling when done to the time of the music. Repeat going back and forth, change partners, communicate through the frame by leaning forward toward your partner and complete the exercise with everyone in class.

Swing Swing is a dance that is done with the body lower to the ground so bending the knees and slightly bending over forward toward your partner is the physical characteristic of the dance. Swing dance can either be done to single, double, or triple rhythm depending on the speed of the music. It is more physically demanding because of the speed and the change of directions in the pattern structure. The swing is an energetic dance so the lowered body position will help to make it easier to accomplish the patterns to the music. BOYS: Take a side step for double rhythm or a Side together side for triple rhythm Single Rhythm: Step tap with the left

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Step tap with the right Rock step (left, right) Girl’s single rhythm is the natural opposite to the boy’s, Step tap with the right, Step tap with the left, then Rock step (right, left) Triple Rhythm: Side together side Side together side Rock step

Ballroom Dancing Ballroom dance is an art form that requires cooperation between the sexes and being a social activity as well as a physical discipline, the interest to be at our best includes knowing good social skills. The ballroom dance world is like having a big happy family and our common bond is the language of dance. I believe we would have safer neighborhoods if we all danced and knew the steps to being a great dance team. It is important that we continue changing partners, learning the different ways people interpret the music and the patterns. Dancing is an art form that is very social and requires good partnership skills. We will meet many types of people from different walks of life and because it is a social sport, changing partners will develop the ease and comfort in the various social circles prevalent in today’s society. Our best behavior will always demand from us all the knowledge we learn in this program in order for us to present ourselves well. Dancing can be done with family members as well as friends. It is an easy way to meet new people and make new friends. Dancing is an easy way to get exercise and it provides us with an active social life balancing the physical inactivity of the computer and the reading and the writing we do in school and work.


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Changing Partners Practicing respect for yourself and your partners will help to make you a success by learning the fundamental practices of creating successful partnerships and being a great team player. Now you are ready to practice your partnership skills. After completing each step, you must change partners and take what you’ve learned from the last partner and bring a better you to the next partner. The ability to work with all people and know it was you who had to make the decision to improve but that you needed the help of your fellow team members to improve your skills, is the ground work needed to be a great team. After completing each step, boys turn to your right by first gesturing with your right hand, then stepping to the right and turning to the right so that you are side by side with your partner. Boys pick up the girls’ right hand with the left hand and spin her to the next partner.

Spinning Partner When boys and girls are in the side-by-side position, he is on his right foot and she is on her left. Boys rock forward with the left foot bringing the girl forward onto her right foot, and as he steps back onto his right foot he pulls back with his left hand causing her to turn right. This action will turn her to the right and she will spin to the next partner.

Girls Spinning Girls step forward on right foot, and when your partner pulls back, the momentum will cause you to slightly turn right. The girl must continue supporting this action by completing the spin on her own. There are two actions in the pattern, the rock and the step (rock step). The rock has you going forward and the step has you stepping back going in the same direction as the rock, but because you are turned around at this point, your direction will spin you to your next partner.

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Learn the Step Alone Each step requires you to learn certain rules and these details must be learned independent of a partner. When you practice, dance gets into your body and then you can develop the sensitivity to your partner and accomplish patterns in cooperation with each other. Before we learn a step together, we must separate and learn what our responsibilities are to each other. Boys will be on one side of the room and the girls on the other. After we learn our parts, we are then brought together respecting our formalities. Formalities to Be Repeated Introductions Permission to dance Response to request When you dance and change partners, continue the formalities with each new partner. This consideration will give you the comfort and confidence that you have taken the necessary precautions to insure proper consideration to your partner. This level of respect is always appreciated and promotes a comfortable safe feeling in any social gathering.

After the Dance When everyone knows the rules, no one is left feeling uncomfortable. Dance is no exception. Whenever a dance is completed with someone, the boy must escort the girl back to her seat. In a class situation we must practice this behavior by taking the girls back to their perspective lines after the dance exercises.

Safe Communities When you learn to dance we are all friends whether we know each other or not. We promote our people skills because we want to dance. Practic ing respect just because we want to dance will always create a safe


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atmosphere because we are around common-bond friends. To have friends we have to be a friend. If everyone danced, we would have safe communities because we will all have this outlet of fun we can do together. We will know how to treat each other and we will all know what to do when the music starts.

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Conclusion: The Missing Link

Create Culture and Roles First we must understand what culture is, and then know what to do to get it and expand it in Society. Webster’s dictionary describes culture as: (1) artistic and intellectual pursuits and products; (2) development of improvement of the mind, moral, etc.; (3) the way of living built up by a human group and transmitted to succeeding generations; and (4) a particular form or stage of civilization. Artistic and intellectual pursuits and products – In this program, we not only learn the skill of dance: we also develop the ability to interpret. This stimulates the creative process and styles are favored through a recognized form of expression. This accepted form of expression is passed on from generation to generation, cultivating a society bound by artistic and intellectual pursuits through healthy relationships and a common practice – dance. Development of improvement of the mind, morals, etc. – This program stimulates the importance of our unique contributions to society. This contribution can be discovered if it is recognized to have value. This program amplifies the importance of discovering our talents, unique gifts, and passions. Once discovered, the stage is set to do the training. This process is needed to develop the mind to


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c omplement recognized talents and passions. This program also teaches the importance of social as well as partnership skills through etiquette training and respected gender roles. Respectful behavior and recognized social boundaries gives us all a sense of intelligence and comfort.

Why Missing Link Why do I call this the missing link? Because there is a lot of training going on that is not making the psychological shift in our communities that produces safe and healthy common practices. This information is only in pockets of interest so individuals or small groups get this great transforming information but we as a society are missing the boat if we don’t institutionalize this information. When I got into dance I discovered that the greatest people, the crème of the crop of society, came to take dance lessons. I discovered later that there is a good and a bad side to us all. We can all share the best in ourselves through this art form called ballroom dance. As the years progressed, I experienced great dance teams that inspired people to be better people but their relationships were abusive. I then put it together that if this art form inspires us to be better people and helps beginners be more confident and fills our lives with lots of friends, then we better adopt a language that is supportive to the respectful relationships we start out with. We can no longer ignore the powerful opportunity that exists in the new, developing, shy dance student. This is like taking the best behavior of a first date and not giving the relationship tools to be successful. The counterproductive behavior that later breaks up relationships is blind to the fact that due to our unconsciousness we sabotage our own relationships only to blame the other person for not being right for us. First, we must give our kids the chance to choose their own success. Most kids do not have the life skills to value what it takes to be a successful adult. It is in this decision that we can start the work that will connect them to the training that benefits a person’s life far beyond the dance floor. I can only train a person who is open to the training but they must be made aware of the choice they are making. Most kids if asked would choose to be successful in life. Once they commit themselves they learn the language of teamwork, they add the ballroom dance routines to their supportive relationship skills, and now they have a dance team. As a society, we need to acknowledge youth for the social skills they learn in this program. These social skills need to be as important as the skills

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needed to enter the workforce and form lasting healthy relationships. If family values are to be an admirable objective, a training ground for respectful behavior between boys and girls needs to be showcased. The accomplished young adult of social practices needs the same acknowledgment and recognition as any academic diploma. Without standardized training and recognition of every child, these skills may only be found in those neighborhoods where formal education and etiquette are already valued. Do we have such neighborhoods? And if we did, are we sure that our trained photographer, musician, or tennis player is still not left vulnerable to a charming thief or worse? Would we not have safer neighborhoods if we standardized social behavior and brought the roles back respecting each other’s positions as ladies and gentlemen? This program is designed to even the playing field and create a thoughtful, very social, and artistic society where respect and the knowledge of proper social behavior is a part of the training required to be a successful adult. An intelligent society knows that dominating those around us has a short life but those who know how to empower those around us can build a life of stability and longevity. This awareness needs to be the “in thing,” shifting community norms that find it acceptable for our youth to engage in nonhealthy behaviors such as smoking, risky sex, and dropping out of school to look grown-up, to norms that value youth for their grown-up positive responsible manners. When displays of personal maturity are put on stage and admired, it cultivates a sense of self-confidence and need for a good education. This is why this is called “The Missing Link.” We need to instill in our youth that it is just as important to develop respectful relationships as it is to develop self. The vehicle to practicing the language of a supportive dance team is the same as any relationship we encounter in life. No man is an island – meaning that our success will require teamwork. Ballroom dance is an art form that requires cooperation between the sexes and being a social activity as well as a physical discipline, the interest to be at our best includes knowing good social skills. The ballroom dance world is like having a big happy family and our common bond is the language of dance. I believe we would have safer neighborhoods if we all danced and knew the steps to being a great dance team. In writing this book, it occurred to me that I should include something about exercise. After an evening of dance, you are sure to break a sweat. I personally belong to three gyms and they are all crowded all the time, and yet we have a society where obesity and diabetes are rampant. Could


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it be that people want to be healthy so they go to the gym but do not have a healthy lifestyle? The reason I go to the gym is because I dance. Dance is my support system to live healthy, that means eating right and exercise. I dance so much better when I come from the gym. I also dance better when I eat right. I’ve eaten the wrong thing, gone to a dance, and yawned my way through it. I know that if I truly want to have a good time at the dance, I go to the gym and I watch what I eat. The last benefit of dance which has nothing to do with the training of a dancer is the social demands placed on a social dancer’s behavior. What do we see in movies, magazines, newspapers, and television, and hear in the music that disrespects women? I pose this question because it is my belief that women, just like in dance, lead in the sense that we as men dance for the woman. We lead the step but only to bring her joy and in turn that makes our dancing fun. If we can give her a good time on the dance floor, we have done our job well and that is the way we want to end every evening. The woman’s responsibility is to respond to the man’s lead and so it is said that the man can lead, only if the woman lets him. What does this sound like? It sounds like empowerment to me.

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A u t h o r

About the Author

As I was born and raised in America, the idea of freedom and opportunity was a language I understood, so like many kids in my neighborhood I had dreams of being somebody and would some day be successful and a person to be looked up to. I remember thinking that all the discomfort of my life had to do with me being a kid. All my problems


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could be solved if I could run my own life. My life was filled with actions that I thought showed that I could run my own life but unknown to me, it was all show. I wanted to grow up so bad that I started a downward trend that led me to everything but grown-up behavior. Self-destruction has a way of showing up and I was forced to make a decision: die or turn my life around. Many years of wasted time are now being used as a tool to share the common bond of understanding between lost souls and a message of hope. You can be a contribution and a positive role model and a success but it takes the ability to listen, and truly be with people. Your dreams and passions can find a home but it takes walking a blueprint of action that includes your ability to be with people. It is not about being better than your fellowman but rather a common practice with partnership skills. There are unlimited possibilities and you are the only one who can choose to reach your goals but you cannot do it alone. I discovered that it took more than just getting older to be a successful adult. There is a reason for childhood, and being a parent, I discovered, is more than just having kids. There is a purpose for everything we go through in life and that purpose is to explore who we are and pass on the knowledge we gain through our experiences. It was my experience that my mother lacked the awareness of what it took to be a supportive partner, so consequently her marriage broke up. I was raised in a home by a parent who did the best she could but did not know the counterproductive patterns of her own behavior which included her awareness of the impact she would have on my emotional stability. Her rage caused me to be shy and ashamed. My need to be a part of something led me to choose the tough guys as role models. I did many things I did not feel comfortable doing but it got me attention and acceptance. I later discovered that a world of blame does not foster successful relationships. The whole story was that I had one eye on the future and one on the past, no wonder I walked around cockeyed. My journey eventually led me to teachers who exposed these self-imposed patterns that would keep me stuck so that I could choose my way of life. It is now a passion to pass on the actions of an evolved person; act as if you are, and you will eventually be, just as effective as the other successful people because it is what we do, not what happened, that will get results. Anxious to grow up, I got married at the ripe old age of 17. I figured that I could do a better job than my mother and became a parent myself. I found life unbearable, hard, and frustrating. I then spent years blaming my mother for everything I did in my life that caused me pain. As an adult, I discovered that when the time came to pay my bills, everyone wanted

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About the Author

their money and they didn’t care if you had a bad childhood. As predicted, I divorced, then spent the next 3 years lost in a world of opportunity and produced nothing. What happened? I didn’t know until I sought help. My journey led me to start over and included self-help training books, support groups, and ballroom dancing. Success is a choice one has to make on his or her own, but it is the relationship skills that bring you the sense of belonging, the teamwork required to get through the tough times, and you have to know you are great. This program addresses all the issues through a beautiful art form that requires a partner; I bring you the first version of “Building Respect Through Dance.”


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About the Author

B o o k s

Recommended Happy About® Books Purchase these books at Happy About http://happyabout.info or at other online and physical bookstores. Moving From Vision to Reality

This book helps you drill home the knowledge and apply it to moving your vision to reality. Paperback: $19.95 eBook: $11.95

Care: You Have the Power!

This book explains how to relate and be inspired to take simple actions that enhance trust and your relationships. Paperback: $19.95 eBook: $11.95


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30day BootCamp to Eliminate Fears & Phobias

This book helps you to overcome and eliminate your Fears and Phobias permanently. Paperback: $19.95 eBook: $11.95

The Successful Introvert

This book will enable you (the introvert) to understand, appreciate, and celebrate your unique strengths. Paperback: $19.95 eBook: $11.95

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Transforming Your Community Through Dance: 13 Steps to a Great Dance Team

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Dance dance dance

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A Time to Dance

A Time to Dance

Dance!

Dance Punk Dance

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Dance To The Piper

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