The Top Performer's Guide to Conflict

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Conflict_TPC_fullcover

10/27/06

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Don’t avoid conflict...

the

N

obody likes conflict, but you can’t avoid it. Top performers just like you face these issues every day. If you know how to deal with conflict well, you can turn it into your biggest opportunity for success. The Top Performer’s Guide to Conflict is your essential conflict handbook, giving you the tools you need to manage change and come out on top. • Face conflict head-on • Resolve issues quickly • Anticipate problems early • Take charge in any situation

Top Performer’s Guide

take advantage of it

The

Top

Performer’s Guide to

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• Become an office leader

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ISBN-13: 978-1-4022-0774-7 ISBN-10: 1-4022-0774-3

conflict

Top performers face conflict head-on and come out on top. You are just a short read away from mastering this essential skill.

Ursiny Bolz

conflict Essential Skills That Put You On Top Tim Ursiny, Ph.D. and Dave Bolz

TP Guide to Conflict_int

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Conflict Essential Skills That Put You On Top Tim Ursiny, PH.D. Dave Bolz


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Copyright © 2007 by Tim Ursiny and Dave Bolz Cover and internal design © 2007 by Sourcebooks, Inc. Cover photo © Digital Vision Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Sourcebooks, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems—except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews—without permission in writing from its publisher, Sourcebooks, Inc. This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional service. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.—From a Declaration of Principles Jointly Adopted by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations All brand names and product names used in this book are trademarks, registered trademarks, or trade names of their respective holders. Sourcebooks, Inc., is not associated with any product or vendor in this book. Published by Sourcebooks, Inc. P.O. Box 4410, Naperville, Illinois 60567-4410 (630) 961-3900 Fax: (630) 961-2168 www.sourcebooks.com Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Ursiny, Timothy E. The top performer's guide to conflict / Tim Ursiny, Dave Bolz. p. cm. Includes index. ISBN-13: 978-1-4022-0774-7 ISBN-10: 1-4022-0774-3 1. Conflict management. 2. Interpersonal conflict. I. Bolz, Dave. II. Title. HD42.U785 2007 650.1'3--dc22 2006024102 Printed and bound in Hong Kong. LEO 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1


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Contents Dedication . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .iv Acknowledgments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .iv Introduction: How to Use This Book . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .v Chapter 1: Why Top Performers Have to Know about Conflict . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1 Chapter 2: Getting to the Real Source of Conflict . . . . . . . . .15 Chapter 3: Recognizing Conflict and Making Wise Choices . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .29 Chapter 4: Dealing with Difficult Subordinates, Peers, and Managers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .45 Chapter 5: Building Strength by Overcoming Adversity . . . .63 Chapter 6: Working Productively with Others . . . . . . . . . . . .75 Chapter 7: Managing, Mentoring, and Coaching Others Through Conflict . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .89 Chapter 8: The GROWS Conflict Conversation Method: A Simple Five-Step Model . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .105 Bibliography . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .117 Index . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .120 About the Authors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .122


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Dedic ation From Tim: To the living members of my family of origin—Frances Knight (I call her Mom), Kenneth Paul Ursiny, and Jamie Ursiny, who all know the value of loving and caring for others. From Dave: To my wife, Melissa, and children, Elizabeth and Robert, who keep me grounded and remind me of what is truly important every day.

Acknowledgments We want to thank our top-performing publisher, Sourcebooks. Dominique Raccah and the talented team of Sourcebooks guided us well with this book and series, and we give special thanks to Peter Lynch, Tara VanTimmeren, Katie Olsen, Heather Moore, Tony Viardo, and Anne Landa for all of their hard work and giftedness. We thank our families for their patience and support. We could not do what we do without them. Finally, we thank our different clients, colleagues, and friends who have shared their stories, energy, wisdom, and hearts with us through the years. Our work has been blessed by these relationships.


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Introduction How to Use This Book Conflict is a part of life that many of us tend to avoid and fear. Traditional schooling gives us little training to handle conflict, and most of us have poor role models from which to learn. Despite the lack of attention we give it, conflict has the power to destroy self-esteem, relationships, and even corporations. Conversely, it also has the power to generate creativity, better solutions, next-level thinking, and passionate results. Conflict when handled poorly is incredibly destructive. Conflict when handled well turns mediocre businesses into stellar corporations. If you are new to the Top Performer’s series, then we should tell you that these books are based on our work as coaches with CEOs and top executives in the USA and around the world. We have interacted with, challenged, and learned from an incredible group of people who care about being their very best and are not afraid to invest in self-improvement and growth. In this book (and in this series) you can learn from their successes and failures. All stories are true for individual clients we have dealt with (with details and names changed to protect the identity of the client) or are stories that combine several clients to protect their privacy. Each chapter in The Top Performer’s Guide to Conflict follows a simple structure of: • Chapter Overview • Real-Life Conflict


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The Top Performer’s Guide to Conflict

• What Top Performers Know • Coaching and Application Chapter Overview: Each chapter begins with a summary of the contents of that chapter. Real-Life Conflict: In this section we share true stories taken from our personal experience or the experience of our clients that relate to the information in the chapter. Please note that for the sake of readability we will use “I” for either author (without identifying which one of us is telling the story) when relating one of our personal stories. What Top Performers Know: This section holds the meat of the chapter. We will share hard lessons that top performers have learned in their careers. We will also summarize research and perspectives from authors, authorities, and leaders. Coaching and Application: Each chapter has exercises to deepen your learning. We highly encourage you to do the exercises as you go along. Do not fall into the “I’ll do them on my second reading” trap. The chapter order is also very intentional and will build up to a simple five-step model for discussing conflicts. So we recommend that you read through the book as written in order to have all of the background necessary to get the most out of our GROWS conflict conversation model. Are you a top performer? Read this book and look for that new insight that can help escalate you to the next level. Sink your teeth in and get ready to learn what top performers know about dealing with conflict!

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Chapter 1: Why Top Performers Have to Know About Conflict Chapter Overview Top performers must understand all sides of conflict. They know that negative conflict is costly and that avoiding conflict hurts productivity and impacts the bottom line. They also embrace the fact that they cannot escape conflict. However, the biggest secret that top performers know is that conflict is not always bad. Conflict, when handled well, is a catalyst for top performance. In this chapter we will explore both the potential damages and potential benefits that conflict can have on you and on an organization.

Real-Life Conflict I’m on vacation, so the last thing I want to hear about is conflict. As I sit on the balcony trying to relax, I cannot help but hear the four people on the balcony next to mine. They are coworkers, at the hotel for a trade show, and one of the female coworkers traveling with them has gotten on their nerves. They loudly complain of her selfishness, whining, and general negative demeanor at work and on this trip. They spend ten minutes on one comment she made on the ride to the hotel. They rip this person apart without mercy for a long period of time, crucifying her with vicious, attacking words. Then…silence. And after the silence, the


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once nasty voices changed to pleasant, caring, and soft voices of joy and friendship. What happened, you might wonder? Well, the coworker about whom they were complaining walked into the room. And the once angry voices now dripped with insincere platitudes and the façade of friendly conversation. My guess? The woman will never hear about her coworker’s anger and disappointment. They complained to everyone in earshot about her behavior except to the one person who had any chance of changing the behavior.

What Top Performers Know How often does this behavior occur in the workplace? When was the last time that someone complained to you about a coworker? Perhaps you are even aware of the last time someone complained about you. Conflict is rampant in the corporate world. Some conflict is loud and some is very quiet and hidden, but each can be damaging. Top performers know this. They know that conflict is a way of life and that it is impossible to escape it. Therefore, they learn how to handle it and they handle it well. There are a few key beliefs held by top performers everywhere concerning conflict. These are: 1. Conflict is inevitable 2. Avoiding conflict contributes to decreased productivity 3. Negative conflict is costly 4. Positive conflict can lead to top performance

1. Conflict is inevitable While handling conflict well is important, we must never have the goal of eliminating conflict. Conflict is as much a part of our lives

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Why top Performers Have to Know About Conflict

as breathing. Top performers know that conflict will happen. The Worldnet online dictionary has several interesting definitions for conflict. The two definitions that best fit our use of the term are: • a state of opposition between persons or ideas or interests • a disagreement or argument about something important It is impossible to avoid all opposition. In fact, many times we have competing internal wants and perspectives! If we have opposing ideas internally, how can we expect the external world to be any different? People are unique. We each see the world a little differently and that diversity is one of the many pleasures (and occasional pains) of life. We come from different incomes, cultures, family dynamics, training, and personalities, and no two people see and react to the world in exactly the same way. We want different things (i.e., have different interests) and what is important to one person may not be important to another. To expect to eliminate conflict means to eliminate differences, and that will never happen. The key is not to get rid of conflict, but rather to learn how to have incredibly effective and positive conflict. Unfortunately, few people have good models for how to handle conflict in a positive fashion. Think of how many people you know who could say, “My parents were great at having conflict; every fight was handled respectfully and positively, and they worked through and solved their differences.” Probably not very many. Or in the workplace, how many colleagues or bosses have you had that were amazing at conflict? Probably very few (if any). Amazingly, despite the fact that conflict is inevitable, people rarely take the time to truly study and practice effective conflict tactics. Top performers accept

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that conflict comes with the territory, and they take the time and effort to master the art of resolving differences and working through important issues.

2. Avoiding conflict contributes to decreased productivity I entitled my initial book on conflict The Coward’s Guide to Conflict because I saw a major problem in several of the corporations with which I was working. The problem? People were not having conflicts. Now, of course the conflicts were there (remember, conflict is inevitable), but they were not being addressed directly or with the right people. Most people are aware of the great damage caused by overaggressive conflict. However, we also need to realize the incredible destructive potential that exists when we avoid conflicts. When a group, team, or organization refuses to face conflict, you get the following negative impact on individuals and the work community: Negative impact on individuals • Less creativity • Less confidence • Hurt feelings • Poor problem-solving • Feelings of betrayal Negative impact on the work community • Increased backstabbing • Gossip • Decreased communication • Increased numbers of silos (i.e., coworkers or departments focus on their own work and lose sight of the team as a whole)

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• Less cooperation • Poor morale • Wasted time in meetings • Bad business decisions Of course, all of the above collectively have a negative impact on business success and productivity. I have seen managers and even CEOs restructure their businesses not because it was a sound business decision, but because it was a method of addressing conflict without ever having to truly deal with the discord. This rarely resolves the problem and generally backfires on the person and on the business. One crucial factor for addressing conflict is having a method for how to deal with it effectively. For that reason, later in this book, we will present a systematic and structured way to have an effective conflict using the GROWS conflict conversation model—because avoiding an ongoing conflict ensures ultimate destruction, or guarantees that a business, which could have been amazing, will simply be mediocre.

3. Negative conflict is costly Negative conflict causes significant damage in our world. Here are a few statistics about conflict: • Lawsuits take an average of two and a half years to go to trial. • Even if an employer wins a workplace dispute, the average legal cost is $50,000 (not including time and other resources). Of course the cost of losing a dispute can be enormous. • Employers lose wrongful termination cases in 64 percent of the cases, costing them more than $600,000 per dispute.

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• There are more than eight thousand reported hate crimes per year. • Stress from conflict may increase a person’s risk for many health problems, including cardiovascular disease, psychological disorders, and workplace injuries. (Source: Barb North, Barry Simon, and Stephen Kabak on http://eiconline.org/) Daniel Dana, the author of Conflict Resolution: Mediation Tools for Everyday Worklife, claims unmanaged employee conflict is likely “the largest reducible cost in organizations today.” He quotes research that estimates that more than 65 percent of performance problems are the result of conflictual employee relationships rather than individual skill or motivation deficits. He states that various studies suggest that 30 percent to 42 percent of a manager’s time is spent dealing with conflict. Dana has researched several costs to conflict, which we combine below with the work of Cynthia Barnes-Slater and John Ford of MGH Consulting (from an article on Mediate.com) and Stewart Levine, the founder of ResolutionWorks. The cost of conflict includes both productivity costs and direct costs.

Productivity Costs (Lost Time) 1. Time spent addressing conflict. An average manager spends at least 30 percent of his time dealing with conflict. 2. Reduced decision quality. This applies to any decision that is impacted by the conflict. 3. Restructuring. Work is redesigned to accommodate the conflict.

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4. Absenteeism. Stress, which can often be related to conflict, increased 316 percent from 1995 to 1999 as the main reason employees are absent from the workplace. 5. Decreased commitment to the team and team mission. 6. Time spent in litigation. It is estimated that Fortune 500 senior HR executives spend 20 percent of their time in litigation-related activities. 7. Turnover. Turnover figures include severance costs, benefits costs, recruitment and staffing cycle time costs, training and development costs, and lost productivity costs. These costs range between 30 percent and 150 percent of an employee’s annual salary. 8. Grievance filing. For companies with union-represented employees, the grievance process can be time intensive and draining.

Direct Costs 1. Sabotage, theft, or damage. This includes equipment, work processes, and corporate reputations. 2. Health costs. These can include stress-related claims and higher insurance premiums. Health care expenditures are almost 50 percent greater for workers with a high degree of stress. 3. Potential legal fees. This doesn’t even take into account other, less tangible costs such as lost relationships, confidence, and happiness. If an employer honestly calculates these costs, even a single unresolved conflict could have tremendous negative impact on the bottom line. No matter how you slice it, conflict is costly. Top performers know

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that investing time and money into proactive methods for handling conflict pays off in the bottom line.

4. Positive conflict can lead to top performance Up to this point I am making conflict sound like a pretty frightening thing. However, conflict can also be a marvelous and powerful thing. Positively handled conflict can create passionate, creative, next-level business decisions and improve the bond between coworkers, departments, and even managers and subordinates. In an article entitled “Extending the Olive Branch,” Kathryn Tyler states that conflict produces different viewpoints, more options, and the expression of individual talents. She explores the fact that when executives and managers effectively deal with conflict, they create: • Improved strategies • Better choices • Increased productivity In fact, Kathleen Eisenhardt, Jean Kahwajy, and L. J. Bourgeo, the authors of “Taming Interpersonal Conflict in Strategic Choice: How Top Management Teams Argue But Still Get Along,” discovered that teams with the highest levels of conflict were often the highest performing. They also established that executives were crucial in how they set the tone for addressing conflicts. So what are some reasons why top-performing teams would have a significant level of conflict? We could look at this two ways. First, top-performing teams are likely made up of top performers. In our experience, top performers tend to be opinionated (to

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some degree). They have been successful by trusting their instincts and by tackling their jobs with confidence. Put them all together in a room and you are going to get a lot of strong opinions. However, the key element that separates the top performer from an arrogant person is that the top performer focuses on what makes sense for the business. She can drop or compromise a point if there is a logical reason to do so. She shares her opinions with passion and then gets on board with the team with complete passion even if she had to adjust her initial stance. The other reason why top-performing teams may have more conflict is that the conflict itself creates the top performance. Imagine a group of people who have to make a tough business decision. Their competitors are chipping away at their market share so they need to get together and develop some creative and innovative solutions. However, they are all intimidated by one team member who monopolizes the conversation. They all complain about him behind his back, but no one has the courage to face up to him in the meeting. They are also hesitant to share different opinions because they might hurt someone’s feelings in another department. Does this team have any chance of being a top-performing team? Obviously not. Top-performing teams embrace conflict and use it as a tool to tear apart ideas and rebuild them into strategically and tactically wise business decisions and actions. Finally, if we return to the Worldnet definitions of conflict, one additional definition particularly caught our attention. It defined conflict as “opposition in a work of drama or fiction between characters or forces (especially an opposition that motivates the development of the plot).”

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Imagine going to a movie that has no conflict. It is a boring movie (in fact, you would be hard-pressed to find one without conflict). It is exhilarating in a movie when the protagonist overcomes the conflict. We jump on our feet when Russell Crowe wins the fight in Cinderella Man or Elijah Wood wins the battle in the Lord of the Rings trilogy or when Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant resolve their conflict in Notting Hill. Dramas must have conflict to keep our attention. However, imagine if our movies never had resolution. How satisfied would we be leaving the theater? We must have conflict in the work setting to “develop the plot,” to create brilliance rather than the norm, and to grow each other to the next level. However, in order for it to create top performers, we must face it and we have to resolve it. That is what top performers know and that is what they do.

Coaching and Application Estimate the cost of conflict Write down a significant or ongoing conflict that you are either involved in or are trying to manage in the workplace:

Now attempt to estimate the cost if this conflict is not resolved:

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1. Take the salary and benefits of the people involved and break that down into an approximate hourly fee for all involved. Then multiply that figure by the number of total hours wasted per week on the conflict (include all hours of all people involved, including you). Now multiply this number by the estimated number of weeks per year that will be spent addressing this conflict. This figure represents the annualized cost of this conflict in terms of wasted time. Put the final figure here. __________ 2. If the conflict has resulted in or could result in turnover, list the individuals’ annual salaries here. __________ 3. Do your best to estimate the actual and potential costs of reduced decision quality, ineffective restructuring, lowered job motivation, absenteeism, health care costs, and sabotage here. __________ 4. If this conflict moves to the legal arena, what could be the legal fees or damage? Estimate that here. __________ 5. Put a price tag on the lost value in relationships and emotional costs to you and others involved. (Just think, How much money would I and others seriously pay not to feel this way about the situation?) Put that figure here. __________

Now add up all five numbers and put the total here. __________ This is an approximation of the potential cost of not resolving this conflict. Is it worth it to you to try for resolution?

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Determine if you are avoiding any conflicts Answer the following questions to determine if there are unresolved conflicts at your office that you need to face: 1. Who did you talk about negatively this week to other people?

2. Have you addressed the issue openly and honestly with the person?

3. If not, why haven’t you addressed the issue with the person?

4. How can you overcome this block?

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5. What will you do about it?

Remind yourself of the positive role of conflict Think about the last time you resolved an issue with a coworker or boss. Answer the following questions about that conflict: 1. What did you do that made that conflict successful?

2. What was the benefit of having that conflict?

3. What did you learn from it that you can repeat in future conflicts?

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Chapter 2: Getting to the Real Source of Conflict Chapter Overview Knowing the source of your conflict is critical for positive conflict resolution. In this chapter we will investigate various causes of conflict, including personal issues, communication mistakes, and organizational challenges. We will end with coaching exercises to help you determine these causes in your particular situation.

Real-Life Conflict When the executive director called me, he was feeling both frustrated and confused. “She used to be such a top performer—I don’t know what happen to her,” he said. He went on to explain that a member of his team was showing negativity and resistance and that he was at the point of firing her. Instead, however, he asked me come in and assess the situation. As I met with the employee, it became clear that a lot was going on. She was angry, and beneath her anger she was deeply hurt. As we talked over the next hour, I discovered that she had been mad at the executive director for more than two months. “He has changed—he used to be supportive and inspiring, and now he is just critical. I’m really thinking about quitting.” Both the executive director and the employee thought the other person had changed, so I had to consider: “Which came first—the chicken or the egg?” Well,


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actually, neither the chicken nor the egg came first; what came first was a new farm. You see, the firm had just been through a major merger, and the duties, systems, and processes of both the executive director and the employee had changed tremendously. Both were struggling, but the frustration shifted from the situation to each other. I met with them first separately and then together to discuss the main source of their conflict. Once we explored why each of them had shifted somewhat, they were able to talk through the situation and align again with each other. When I last saw them, they were both amazed at how the other person was back to whom he or she used to be.

What Top Performers Know Understanding the source of a conflict is crucial to resolving it. When we know the source, we can solve the problem and collaborate on fixing it. What makes this complex, however, is that there are multiple sources to any conflict.

Sources of conflict There are a variety of books on conflict and each seems to identify different sources of conflict. First we will review several prominent books and then try to bring it all together to build a comprehensive list of sources of conflict. In Managing Conflict: A Complete Process-centered Handbook, Roy W. Pneuman and Margaret E. Bruehl identify three main sources of conflict: individual factors, interactional factors, and organizational factors.

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Getting to the real source of Conflict

These include several subcategories of conflict sources as follows: Individual factors. Personal or individual differences could include such things as background, style, perceptions, and feelings/inner data. For example, in the USA, we handle business cards very informally. We can write on someone’s card, toss it in our pocket, and even receive it without looking at the details of the card. This same behavior, however, could offend someone from Korea. There, they receive the card with both hands, spend time acknowledging the card, and carefully put it in a place of prominence. Individuals from the USA and Korea may personally experience the same action in different ways. Interactional issues—dynamics between people. This category represents problems that result from inaccurate exchanges between individuals. Examples include errors such as ambiguous, inaccurate, incomplete, or unclear information being conveyed by the person sending the message; media-based distortions that occur somewhere between the person sending the communication and the person who is receiving it (things like mannerisms, external noise, distractions, and perceptual distortions); and receiver-based errors, such as the lack of a common language between those attempting to communicate or simple differences in understanding. Sometimes the issues are not the result of a personal conflict, but rather the problems exist because of impediments between the two people. For example, when I am talking to my certified public accountant (CPA), sometimes he uses terms and phrases that I do not use in my everyday life. This results in confusion. Or when I fall into psychobabble and use such phrases as codependency or

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metacommunication, I can confuse others. No one is at particular fault in these examples, and it is not a personal issue, but miscommunication occurs anyway. Organizational conditions. Organizational issues are sometimes ignored as sources of conflict. These can include scarcity of resources, ambiguity, overregulation, competition, and making exceptions. Any of these organizational factors could bring out conflict in even the most dedicated of employees.

Structure and conflict The authors of the book The Balancing Act focus on structure as a main source of conflict. They state, “Of all of the negative effects resulting from increasing size, perhaps the most predictable is conflict. When caught in the throes of conflict, few leaders attribute arguments and conflict to size. This source usually remains invisible. Most people do not point to structure as a source of conflict.” The authors go on to identify three structural ingredients of conflict—interdependence, conflicting goals, and infrequent interaction. Let’s examine each of these briefly: Interdependence. People within organizations must rely on each other in order to meet their goals. When an organization grows, so does the need for interdependence. Conflicting goals. Sometimes coworkers in an interdependent relationship are given goals that conflict with each other. People become specialists in their own area, but can frustrate other groups with different goals. One company I worked with had a major issue between their sales department and operations. The sales professionals were “on fire” and were breaking records in company

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product sales. Operations could not keep up with the demand and were extremely angry that the sales department was “making them look bad.” Each group had different marching orders. The sales staff was challenged to break records. The operations group wanted to protect the quality of the product. It ended with both groups feeling disrespected and in conflict with each other. We had to get all critical members of the groups together and brainstorm win-win solutions in order to break this tension. Infrequent interaction. Within corporations today there is less communication, which leads to decreased understanding of each other’s needs. Combine that with teams who are geographically separated and have different goals, yet are interdependent, and you greatly increase your chances for negative conflict. Solutions the authors suggest include increasing interaction, aligning goals, and increasing generalists over specialists to solve this dilemma.

Common reasons for conflict In my book The Coward’s Guide to Conflict, I list seven sources of interactional conflict. While not exhaustive, this list does capture some common reasons. These are: Behavioral differences. Sometimes conflict is simply the result of seeing and interacting with the world a little differently than others. Failure to recognize and appreciate this diversity can increase negative conflict. There are legendary stories about the conflict between Walt Disney and his brother. Walt was the creative visionary while his brother was the cautious financial wizard. This caused great conflict for them but also was a huge ingredient in the success of Disney.

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Secondary emotions. Some conflict results when a person is showing anger. People usually become defensive when you approach them with anger, which lessens your chance for successful conflict resolution. The key is to look beneath your anger to determine what you are really feeling, for example, fear, embarrassment, frustration, or hurt. Think about the last time you were angry. Now consider what emotion you might have felt beneath the anger. What would have happened if you expressed that emotion to the other person instead of anger? Poor listening. Often we enter into conflict because we did not listen well to the other person and a miscommunication developed. There are several different ways to listen to others, and it is important that we use the right style for the right situation. For example, three main styles of listening are: • Listening to gather information • Listening in order to empathize with the person • Listening in order to form solutions The right listening style for one occasion may be the wrong one for another. Poor communication. Many times our conflicts come from the way that we talk to each other (or perceive the person talking to us). Lazy or poor interactional patterns such as aggressiveness, pacifying, or withdrawing can inhibit positive communication and collaboration. Many times we don’t mind the content of the message, but we are absolutely offended by how the person communicated the message! Positions instead of interests. Positions are ways to get what we want; interests represent what we really want. For example, if

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you walk into your boss’s office and ask for a raise, that might be a position. What is your true interest? It could be several things. Your true interest could be any of the following: • Maintaining equality with what others are getting paid • Feeling respected and valued • Getting money for additional education • Getting out of debt • Matching another job offer so you don’t need to leave a job you love Getting a raise is only one solution to your true interest, and there may be other creative solutions that will meet that core interest. For example, if money for additional education is the core interest, then that could also be solved by asking your company to pay for your tuition instead of giving you an overall raise. If your true interest is feeling valued, the company could provide you perks and additional desired responsibilities. When two parties each focus solely on a single position, conflict escalates. Effective collaboration requires that parties focus on true interests and brainstorm win-win solutions. Selfishness. While we don’t like to admit it, we are selfish beings. We tend to see the world egocentrically and we tend to want what we want. While nothing is wrong about wanting something, conflict occurs when we have a sense of entitlement to get something. Sometimes conflict is caused by something as simple as the flaw of human selfishness. Think of that person you used to work with that always focused on what she wanted, but had no empathy for the desires of others. That person was stuck in selfishness.

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Irrational thinking and perspectives. No two people have exactly the same perspectives and perceptions. We all tend to see the world from different angles. These angles can be appreciated or they can be a source of irritations. At times our perceptions are very far from reality. We see an insult when an insult isn’t really there. We see disrespect when none was intended. We view someone as aggressive when they are simply being direct. Our perceptions dictate our emotions, which will then dictate our action. In workshops I do a simple exercise where I have participants stand and straighten out their right arm. I then try to push it down with my left hand (which I can rarely do). Afterward, I have them think of a negative thought and do the same activity. Every time they do this the arm loses significant strength and I can push it right down. Negative and irrational thoughts are dangerous and sap our energy. We should not allow them in our thinking.

The role of culture In “Cross Cultural Awareness: Effective Mangers Can Recognize and Adapt to Different Work Styles and Culture,” Lee Gardenswartz and Anita Rowe focus on the role of culture in conflict. They believe that many unnecessary conflicts can be avoided by recognizing the role of culture and identifying critical preferences and expectations that differ across cultures. They encourage managers to avoid interpreting employees’ behaviors through their own cultural background (a task easier said than done). They note that managers often form perceptions that employees are intentionally deceptive, difficult, or unproductive instead of considering that the employees are simply stuck in their cultural programming.

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A consolidated list Obviously, the list could go on. However, once the list gets too big, it gets unmanageable. Therefore we think it is helpful to consolidate all of these different sources to cover the main sources of conflict. We see these main sources as: Organizational factors • Lack of resources • Lack of clarity (in purposes, expectations, roles, standards, responsibilities, norms, rewards, and goals) • Overregulation (micromanaging and the lack of freedom) • Unhealthy competition • Lack of justice in the workplace (unfair practices and policies) • Lack of alignment (between and within departments) • Low interaction • Differences in function, level, and professional perspective People issues • Normal differences • Nature—gender, race, age, and core personality • Nurture—behavioral styles, culture, education, position, geographical location, values, and experiences • Perspectives and feelings • Distortions and chosen beliefs that are debatable instead of fact • Feelings (especially the focus on anger instead of core emotions) • Selfishness • Interpersonal dynamics • Poor communication from the sender

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• Poor listening from the receiver • Failure to discover core interests and develop win-win solutions • Struggles for power In our coaching and application section we will walk you through a process for determining the main source of your conflict. By discovering the source, you will have more power to discover the solution.

Coaching and Application Determining the source of conflict Think of a current or past conflict and use the following flowchart in figure 2.1 to determine the main source of conflict. While simplistic, it is a good start at learning to identify what truly caused a conflict.

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Figure 2.1: Main Sources of Conflict

Of course we realize that some conflicts are combinations of several of these factors. When this is the case, simply use the above flowchart to determine how much time and energy you should put into discussing each factor.

Determining the source of an unresolved conflict Have you been in a conflict at work that you were unable to resolve? Briefly describe the conflict on the next page and then work to discover the source of the conflict.

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Describe your unresolved work conflict:

As best you can determine, how much was it related to each of our sources below? Put percentages in the subcategory and then circle the main factors that contributed to the conflict. Percentage of the conflict that was due to organizational factors = __________% (circle any that apply) Lack of resources

Lack of justice

Lack of clarity

Lack of alignment

Overregulation

Low interaction

Unhealthy competition

Differences in function, level, and perspective

Percentage of the conflict that was due to people issues = __________% (subdivide this between the three groups below) Normal differences = __________% (circle any that apply) Nature—gender, race, age, and core personality Nurture—behavioral styles, culture, education, position, geographical location, values, and experiences

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Perspectives and feelings that we can impact = __________% (circle any that apply) Distortions and chosen beliefs Feelings Selfishness Interpersonal dynamics = __________% (circle any that apply) Poor communication from the sender Poor listening from the receiver Failure to discover core interests and develop win-win solutions Struggles for power Laziness in communication How does knowing the source of the conflict serve you?

How might you use this information?

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Final instructions If you are feeling ambitious, walk yourself through this process for several unresolved conflicts. Note if there are any patterns to conflicts that you have been unable to resolve at work.

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Chapter 3: Recognizing Conflict and Making Wise Choices Chapter Overview There are many choices we can make in conflict—some positive and some devastating. In this chapter we will explore the wise choices of top performers and how these choices impact the result of the conflicts. We will also examine common mental errors that you need to avoid in terms of your assumptions concerning others’ motivations and actions. We will examine the conflict conversation and increase your chances to have meaningful and positive conflict resolution.

Real-Life Conflict Jackie Robinson broke baseball’s color barrier in 1947 as the first African American man to play in the major leagues. He faced many humiliations his first season. His own teammates avoided him. Some players on his team circulated a petition to kick Robinson off the Brooklyn Dodgers. Opposing players yelled nasty names or tried to injure him with their spikes, and pitchers aimed at his head. On the road, he could not stay in the same hotel as his teammates due to segregation. Opposing crowds often yelled terrible racial slurs at Robinson. He even faced threats on his life.


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On more than one occasion, the crowds on the road tried to intimidate Robinson with hateful words and anger, only because of his race. On May 14, 1947, at Cincinnati’s Crosley Field, Pee Wee Reese could tell that the hateful language was taking its toll on his teammate. The popular shortstop from rural Kentucky was raised in segregated Louisville and he had never played baseball with an African American. However, despite his biased upbringing, he knew he had to do something. He decided to walk over to Robinson’s position at first base. Reese looked into his teammate’s eyes and saw his pain and frustration. Reese then placed his arm around Robinson’s shoulder, nonverbally announcing to the crowd, “This man is my teammate and friend.” As Robinson and Reese stood in solidarity as teammates and friends, the crowd was silenced. As they say, the rest is history. Jackie Robinson went on to have a Hall of Fame career and is strongly credited with promoting positive race relations in America.

What Top Performers Know Choosing safety or choosing risk What causes someone to take a risky stand? Pee Wee Reese’s action possibly changed the course of history. Top performers know that risk is a part of facing conflict. However, how do they face it? We can gain insight into the factors of facing risk by exploring the story of Robinson and Reese a little further. You might ask yourself, “What happened before Robinson and Reese stood side-by-side before the Cincinnati crowd? How did Reese prepare to take such a stand?” Two events formed Reese’s courageous response.

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Recognizing Conflict and Making Wise Choices

Reese’s son, Mark, recounts an event his father shared with him about when he was a young boy living in rural Kentucky. Pee Wee Reese’s father showed him a “hanging tree” where an African American was publicly executed. Mark Reese believes seeing the tree and learning about the inhumanity of the act affected his father immensely. The second event that most likely formed his courageous response was when Pee Wee Reese heard of the Dodgers’ choice to integrate baseball. He first heard of the Dodgers’ decision when he was on a navy ship returning from World War II. He had some time to think about playing baseball with an African American who could actually compete for his job. During his long boat trip from Guam to San Francisco, Reese thought, I wonder how it is to be like him as the only African American playing in the big leagues? He knew he wouldn’t want to be the only white man playing in the Negro leagues. The question “I wonder how it is to be like him?” stayed in Reese’s mind. He thought about it as he traveled home. As he arrived in San Francisco, Reese decided, “If he is good enough to take my job, then he deserves it.” Perhaps his attempt to put himself in Robinson’s shoes was the source of his compassion for a man he called teammate.

Deciding to do the right thing The wise choice is often not the easy choice. Top performers know that experiencing discomfort is part of facing conflict. Both Robinson and Reese stood up for what they wanted and what they believed in because it was right. Both men were taking great risks. If either of them were unwilling to handle discomfort, then we might have lost one of the most amazing and influential baseball players of

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all time. Face it: very few of us like conflict, but top performers motivate themselves to deal with it by reminding themselves of: • The long-term annoyance and pain they will experience if they don’t resolve the conflict • The potential opportunities they might discover by tackling the problem • The fact that doing the right thing is more important than comfort Top performers make wise choices in conflict because they turn their attention to these three elements. Do they always prefer to face the conflict? Of course not! But there is a huge difference between enjoying conflict and having the guts and the integrity to face it.

Knowing when to face the conflict or avoid it Should all conflicts be taken head-on? We don’t think so. It is important that you do a cost-benefit analysis of the conflict. What do you hope to accomplish? Does it serve anyone to have the disagreement? Are there other ways to resolve the issue that would be less conflictual, but equally effective? These are all things to consider. In addition, you might want to do a logical analysis of the chances for success or the potential for true danger. In our experience, most people exaggerate these dangers, so you have to be sure that you are looking at it objectively. For example, let’s say that you have a boss who tends to micromanage you.

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You are considering confronting her on the behavior, but there are many factors to consider: • How does she usually handle someone confronting her behavior? • How solid is your relationship and how many confrontations have you had recently? • How likely is she to change? • How much does it truly bother you? • Could you change how you view her behavior so it won’t be as annoying to you? • If you fear getting fired over it, how realistic is that fear? Has she ever fired anyone for giving her feedback in a positive way? These are just examples of questions you might ask yourself. The key is to answer logically and objectively. Also realize that not every conflict is worth having. As the old saying goes, it is important to “choose your battles wisely.” Top performers do not get involved in conflicts that waste their time and serve no one. At the same time, top performers do not shy away from positive conflict that can have significant impact.

Judging the other person in conflict There are two major mistakes we tend to make in terms of choosing how we view the behaviors of others—the fundamental attribution error and actor-observer bias. The fundamental attribution error. When we view negative behavior from other people, we tend to judge it as a reflection of something internal about them or their character rather than considering situational factors that influenced their actions. This means if

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you do something wrong or make a mistake, I am most likely to see that as a sign of who you are. This is often a false assumption because you may have made the mistake because you were tired, stressed, distracted, confused, or a number of other valid reasons. Actor-observer bias. The opposite is true in terms of how we view our own behavior. When we do something wrong or make a mistake we tend to explain our behavior by citing situational or external factors. “I’m late because traffic was slow.” However, if someone else is late, we are much more likely to attribute the behavior to laziness, irresponsibility, or some other character flaw. Top performers are aware of these natural biases, and they take mental steps to avoid falling into the trap of judging someone’s character by a single action. A few questions to ask yourself when someone does something negative are: 1. Is this a one-time action, or is this a pattern for the person? 2. Is this behavior unique to the relationship with me, or does she act like this with other people? 3. Do I know for a fact that she is intending to have a negative impact on me? These questions will help you determine how to handle the conflict. For example, if a coworker interrupts you in a meeting, you could ask yourself these questions. Depending on your answers you are likely to view and handle the situation differently. Is this a one-time action, or is this a pattern for the person? • If it is a one-time action, you may view the behavior as a simple mistake and let it go. • If it is a pattern, you will go on to the next question.

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Is this behavior unique to the relationship with me, or does she act like this with other people? • If it is unique to you, then you might make an assumption that there is something you have done or that there is a dynamic between the two of you that is creating the behavior. • If the person interrupts everyone, you would depersonalize it and realize that this is a habit she has. Do I know for a fact that she is intending to have a negative impact on me? • If it is unintentional, you will make the assumption that you are dealing with someone who simply has a blind spot. You can gently educate the person on this habit in order to help her and the team. • If you are sure the behavior is intentional, then the confrontation is more serious and will require a level of preparation and discussion to determine why this is going on and how to stop it. Individuals who incorrectly assume intent, treat events like patterns, and personalize the conflict unnecessarily create destructive attempts at conflict resolution and wound relationships rather than improve them. Those who carefully walk through their assumptions have the right conversation at the right intensity.

Discussing the problem Let’s face it, some discussions are just uncomfortable and difficult to have with others. There is a lot of ambiguity in human

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interaction, and we do not always know how the other person is going to respond to our points and perspectives. Also, some people are just harder to approach because they tend to get emotional and defensive. These difficult conversations are often avoided and can turn what used to be a minor issue into a huge problem. In the New York Times Business Bestseller Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, the authors discuss how difficult conversations actually consist of three conversations. • Conversation #1: What happened? • Conversation #2: Feelings • Conversation #3: Identity Conversation #1: What happened? In the “What happened?” conversation, we try to determine the truth about what occurred while also looking at what we think should have happened. The authors suggest that we need to spend more time asking ourselves if we are truly correct in our stance, giving the other parties the benefit of the doubt, and eliminating the tendency to focus blame in the conversation. Conversation #2: Feelings. This conversation centers on the appropriateness or validity of our feelings. Do we have the right to feel what we are feeling? Why are we feeling this way? Are our emotional reactions valid or not? Conversation #3: Identity. The identity conversation centers around the impact of the conversation on our view of ourselves. What does it mean about me to have this conversation? What is the impact on my view of myself? The authors suggest several steps for having the difficult conversation. We would like to merge these with ideas presented

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in The Coward’s Guide to Conflict to build a comprehensive step-bystep approach to these conversations: Stage One: Making a decision about facing the conflict 1. Examine the possible outcomes of choosing to avoid, giving in, being passive-aggressive, bullying, compromising, problemsolving, or honoring the other person. 2. If fearful of the conflict, reflect and determine the source of fear. 3. Do a cost-benefit analysis to determine if you should face the conflict. 4. Double-check your motivation for engaging in the conversation—make sure your motives are positive. 5. If appropriate, proceed to stage two: preparing for the conflict. Stage Two: Preparing for the conflict 1. Evaluate your rights and the rights of the other person involved. 2. If you do not need to deal with the issue on the spot, find a time to discuss the problem with the other person involved. 3. Determine the source of the conflict for you. 4. Analyze your reaction to and feelings about the situation: • What do you feel beneath the anger? • How much of your reaction is due to your interpretation of what the person did versus what she actually did? • Did you contribute anything to the problem? 5. Calm yourself emotionally so you take the right energy to the person.

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6. Play out the three conversations (what happened, feelings, and identity) in your mind to prepare for the event. Stage Three: Dealing with the conflict 1. Start from the third story. The third story is an objective view of the situation. It is much more factual than emotional. It is impartial and attempts to see the situation from all angles. The key word to remember is “different.” You have different perspectives, not one that is right and one that is wrong. In this step you also invite the other person to problem-solve the situation with you. 2. Own any contribution that you made to the problem. 3. If appropriate, share your view of the main source of the conflict. 4. Use compassionate courage and assertiveness steps: • Communicate the problem situation in terms of the consequences that it has for you. • Express your feelings in “I” rather than “you” messages. Don’t blame! • Focus the discussion on the person’s behavior. Talk about what he did versus who he is. 5. Ask for his perception of the issue and for feedback for anything that you are contributing to the conflict. Explore his side of the story. 6. If the conversation starts to deteriorate in any way: • Stop talking about the details of the issue and start talking about how you are talking with each other at that moment.

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• Stay at this level of communication until you are both calm. • If necessary, ask for a time-out. Make sure you say how important it is for you to resolve the issue, but that you just need some time to make sure you can deal with it in the best way possible. 7. If you are able to keep discussing the issue and the person is responsive to your perspective: • Make sure you are talking about interests rather than positions. • Collaborate together to list possible solutions (problemsolve together to create the win-win situation). • Evaluate the options. • Select an option. • Agree to a future time to assess how agreement is working.

Consequences of making unwise choices in conflict Top performers know that making the correct choices about taking risk, facing conflict, doing the right thing, forming correct assumptions about others, having the crucial conversation, and cooperating will lead to positive interactions and creative solutions. On the other hand, making the wrong choices in conflict can be very costly. In an intriguing New York Times story about unnecessary conflict, Donald G. McNeil Jr. tells about the Carter Center’s attempts to eradicate the Guinea worm threat in Africa. McNeil writes, “For untold generations here, meter-long, spaghetti-thin worms erupt from the legs or feet—or even eye sockets—of victims, forcing their way out by exuding acid under

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the skin until it bubbled and burst.” After this line I was tempted to put down the paper because this story did not go well with my breakfast, but I decided to continue. It turns out that the worm threat was preventable, but required that infected water be treated with a minor pesticide in order to stop the plague. In one village, the field officer treating the water heard about a sacred pond, but superstitious villagers refused to lead him to the pond. Eventually the officer found the pond, but the villagers threatened him and tried to stop him from treating the water. The villagers believed that the souls of their ancestors lived in the pond and stated that the worm disease was a curse and had nothing to do with the water. Now, I am not judging these villagers; they simply did not understand the true source of the disease. I’m sure that my culture has its own blind spots and irrational beliefs that I can’t see due to my limited knowledge. However, this particular belief was preventing them from receiving an easy cure to a painful disease. Eventually, the council of local chiefs who understood the true source of the disease ordered the village to step aside and allow the pond to be treated. The villagers were also ordered to pay a penalty for their interference. The penalty? The village had to pay goats, yams, wine, and “one very mighty native cow.” While none of you are likely to have to pay a mighty cow, you will have consequences if you take on irrational mindsets and make the wrong choice in conflict. Top performers know this, and they know that the right choice is not always the easy choice.

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Coaching and Application Examining your assumptions Write down an incident where someone in the workplace hurt you in the past (it could be a minor hurt like interrupting you or a major hurt like humiliating you in front of your boss):

Now answer the following questions about the behavior: 1. Is this a one-time action, or is this a pattern for the person?

2. Is this behavior unique to her relationship with me, or does she act like this with other people?

3. Do I know for a fact that she is intending to have a negative impact on me?

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What conclusions do you draw from your answers to the previous questions?

Making a wise choice Think of a difficult or conflictual conversation that you are considering having. Examine the following options by answering the questions: What is the risk of ignoring or avoiding this discussion?

What would be the benefit of ignoring or avoiding this discussion?

What is the risk of having this discussion with an aggressive style?

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What would be the benefit of having this discussion with an aggressive style?

What is the risk of approaching this discussion with a cooperative spirit?

What would be the benefit of approaching this discussion with a cooperative spirit?

Review your answers. What is your choice concerning dealing with this issue?

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Chapter 4: Dealing with Difficult Subordinates, Peers, and Managers Chapter Overview Difficult people—we all know them and some of us have to work with them every day. In this chapter we will explore how top performers deal with well-intentioned but aggressive individuals, chronically negative subordinates, underperforming employees, backstabbers, and difficult bosses. We will also explore the role of your personal perceptions and expectations in reinforcing or dealing with difficult subordinates, peers, and bosses.

Real-Life Conflict “We don’t think he is coachable, but we are willing to give you one session with him.” These words greeted me when I walked into the human resources (HR) executive’s office. She went on to describe Larry to me. Larry was a typical top performer who excelled at this job and was promoted to manager. Unfortunately, the skills that made him a great individual contributor were not translating into making him a great manager. He became easily exasperated by the “underperformers” he had inherited on this team. He would lose his temper in team meetings and basically try to shame the team to perform to the next level. Every day his frustration grew and his manager was getting tired of it. Larry had


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received 360-degree feedback concerning his aggressive and demeaning behavior from his boss the previous year, but he defended his behavior and had not made any changes. So now Larry’s boss was at the end of his rope and turned to HR to help decide what to do with Larry. Human resources in turn came to me to determine if Larry could be salvaged. Larry took immediate control of our first meeting. “I don’t see any reason for needing a coach; the problem is that I am surrounded by incompetence,” Larry said. I proceeded to ask questions to help me fully understand his perspective. Once I saw that the main problem was that Larry expected everyone to be as good as he was, we had the following dialogue. Coach: So let me ask you, you are a results guy, right? The main beef with your team is that they are not nearly as results-oriented as you—is that correct? Larry: Absolutely—they would run in circles all day if I let them. Coach: So you have tried a number of approaches to change this, which mainly consist of confronting them with their inadequacies—right? Larry: That’s right. Coach: How well is that approach working in terms of getting you the results you want? Larry: Obviously not very well or you wouldn’t be here. Coach: That’s right. In fact your approach is actually backfiring on you. I’m not here to say that is fair or that you are doing it the wrong way, but I think it is unfortunate that your good intentions for

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Dealing with Difficult Subordinates, Peers, and Managers

building the business are coming back to inconvenience you. That has to drive a results guy like you crazy. Larry: It does. If I could just get my subordinates up to speed then this would all go away. Coach: So if I could show you ways to increase your chances for getting good results, how open would you be to learning these techniques, even if it means changing your management tactics? Larry: As long as it works and it is not too touchy-feely, I’ll look at it. Coach: Great. Let’s talk more about your team and see how you can inspire them to top performance rather than trying to force them to succeed. Over the next six months Larry and I did some transformational work. He became a much less aggressive manager and built loyalty with his team. He would resist progressing at times until I brought the focus back to results. He wasn’t necessarily a bad person. He just had a single focus on getting the job done. By flowing with that single focus, we were able to make great progress and save a valuable employee.

What Top Performers Know Not every situation with an angry coworker, boss, or subordinate can be handled in the same way. There are several types of difficult people in the workplace, and top performers have different approaches for dealing with each type.

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These difficult individuals include: • Aggressive employees with a desire for success • Chronically negative employees • Underperforming employees • Difficult bosses

Aggressive employees with a desire for success Top performers know that it is often better to flow with the angry person’s perspective than to fight the perspective head-on. In the previous example, I decided not to confront Larry on his negative perceptions of others. It seemed to me that this approach had been attempted before with very little success. “You should be nice to people” just didn’t strike me as a persuasive argument. However, flowing with Larry’s strong desire for results created good progress and no defensiveness. In certain martial arts they teach you to flow with the opponent’s energy instead of against it. This can be very helpful when the person has a positive framework to tap into. Wanting results is a great framework and there is nothing wrong with that. The key was to connect results to positive behaviors like mentoring others, inspiring them, training them, and encouraging them instead of employing Larry’s old method of shaming them. Flowing with the person is helpful when the framework can be effectively used to get the desired behaviors. It is often a preferred approach when the negative issues are due to personality or behavioral styles rather than a true anger management problem or a destructive personality.

Chronically negative employees Not all angry employees have good intentions and sometimes it is

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not simply a style difference, but rather a negativity problem that needs to be addressed quickly and with strength. We encourage companies to develop a “zero tolerance for negativity” stance in their mission statement and to ingrain it in everything from their interviewing process to how meetings are run. Negativity is not to be confused with healthy venting. The main difference between venting and negativity is that venting releases emotions while negativity simply recycles the pain and problems. We strongly encourage managers to allow venting that gives employees the chance to express feelings, release fear, share opinions, and get rid of blocks to their success. However, the employee who continually raises the same issue, who continually puts others down to build himself up, and who never seems to want to solve the problem is someone who could have a very destructive impact on the energy and morale of the team. How do you identify this person? Well, when you are working harder than he is to make him successful then you likely have one of these negative individuals on your team. Once you have identified a negative person, there are six steps that the person’s manager can take to confront the problem: • Identify the problem (i.e., the employee’s negativity) • Set standards and consequences • Follow up • Do a verbal warning • Do a written warning • Terminate the problem person Identify the problem. When identifying the issue to the angry or difficult employee, it is important to be direct, discuss the issue as a pattern (with supporting examples), and strongly

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express your desire to be able to work out the issue with him. Then ask for his assistance in finding solutions for the issue. The more you can engage him in problem-solving the issue, the more motivated he will be to succeed. Set standards and consequences. Clearly make a request for behavior change. Set the standards for positive behavior. Verbalize success parameters for behavior change and make sure that the two of you have identical views of what is desired. Discuss possible consequences for progress and for the lack of progress. If this is your first time confronting the behavior, don’t be too extreme on the expression or size of the consequence. If this pattern has gone on for a long time without being addressed, then take some responsibility for that. Follow up. Increase accountability by following up. Have set times to meet and review progress. It is crucial to look for evidence that the person is changing as well as identify times when behavior reverts to the old patterns. Praise the improvements while problem-solving together the failures or learning experiences. Expect progress to be bumpy, but fully expect progress. Do a verbal warning. If the behavior does not change, it is time to escalate the issue. Carry out a verbal warning that states the consequences of a failure to improve. At this point it is appropriate to escalate the expression and intensity of the consequence. Have this meeting officially and with a witness if appropriate. Again, end the meeting with a desire for success (remember that you do not want to fall into the negativity trap). Do a written warning. If the behavior continues, it is time for a written warning. The warning should be direct, logical, and

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focused on measurable behaviors, the impact of these behaviors on the business, and the consequences for nonimprovement. Set a review date to determine if the behaviors have changed enough to salvage the person’s job. Terminate the problem person. If the behaviors continue unchecked, it is time to protect the company and the community and let this person go. In addition to the steps we have shared above, make sure you follow existing HR policies, have proper legal advice, and document everything. Do not be afraid or too sympathetic to let someone go. Remember that part of your job as a leader is to protect the team and make tough decisions. Saving one person’s job at the expense of the morale, energy, and performance of the team just does not make good business sense.

Underperforming employees Besides angry employees, there are other categories of difficult employees, including those who consistently underperform. To maximize success, you may want to use a multidimensional approach to confronting this type of difficult employee. The following case study demonstrates key steps top performers take to establish the conditions for success. The main individuals in the case study are Bill, the underperforming research analyst; Bill’s manager, Robert; the portfolio manager; Bill’s teammate, Alex; and the HR manager. The facts of the case. Bill is an experienced research analyst responsible for providing recommendations to a portfolio manager in the technology sector. The technology sector is fast-moving, volatile, and risky. Bill’s personal style is deliberate and risk averse. Lately, Bill’s recommendations have, well, not been great. He’s

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losing the confidence of the portfolio manager, which causes him to become more deliberate in his verbal and written communication. This leads to more frustration as the market is moving fast. Bill’s manager, Robert, is aware of the situation, but wonders what he should do. The portfolio manager becomes frustrated, and as Bill’s recommendations in the technology sector continue to go south, she demands that Bill be fired or transferred to a less challenging position. Identifying the performance issues. Robert seeks the advice of his HR partner, who works with him to review Bill’s previous performance evaluations to look for patterns, discuss the gaps in performance, and suggest possible reasons for Bill’s underperformance. Robert sees the following personal factors impacting Bill’s performance: • Bill’s deliberate communication style appears to be a lack of confidence, which impedes the acceptance of his recommendations. • Bill’s organizational skills need improvement. (Reports are stacked in Bill’s office and he often cannot find documents. He is also late to meetings.) On the positive side, Bill has had a good work record and demonstrates a strong work ethic. Bill’s manager and the HR partner also identify outside factors that may impact his performance, such as: • Poor market performance • Change in portfolio managers • New expectations to implement a process to evaluate portfolio performance

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(Re)establishing performance expectations and creating conditions for effectiveness. To clearly articulate the seriousness of the situation, Robert drafts a performance action plan that focuses on performance goals. The action plan also addresses Bill’s communication style and organizational skills. Robert meets with Bill to review performance concerns. The meeting is tense because of the seriousness of the situation. Robert says, “I am committed to helping you succeed. We can work together to improve your communication and management skills.” He then suggests that he match Bill with Alex, a senior research analyst with crisp communication and organizational skills. Alex will provide coaching and advice as a colleague. Alex is happy to do so because he’s interested in learning coaching and supervision skills. At the same time, Robert is taking action to address the factors that affect Bill’s performance. Robert initiates a study and begins conversations with stakeholders regarding the new initiative to evaluate portfolios. In the meantime, Bill and Alex meet on a regular basis to discuss communication and organization tips. Bill learns many of the tips Alex has adopted over the years to keep himself organized, and his communication is clear and concise. Bill actually looks forward to the weekly coffee break with Alex and finds that the support reinforces his goals to improve his skills. Robert notices that Bill’s communication and organizational skills improve. As Bill makes progress on his goals, his confidence grows. He continues to make recommendations in the technology sector. The portfolio manager, however, is not easily or quickly won over. However, she sees “something different” in Bill’s approach. Using the skills he’s been working on with Alex, and with

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increased confidence, Bill presents a recommendation to move forward with a technology/health investment. The portfolio manager is convinced that Bill’s analysis is sound and agrees to invest in the company. At the year-end team conference, the portfolio manager acknowledges Bill’s recommendations in the technology fund, a major reason for its improved performance. Motivated by his success improving his communication and organizational skills, Bill continues to perform at a high level and remains a valuable team member. Outcomes. You may be saying to yourself, “Well, they all don’t end with a happy ending.” And we agree with you. Sometimes, top-performing managers have employees with challenges that cannot be rectified. However, it’s critical that top-performing managers know and act on what they can do to help others perform at a high level. To review the process, the following are the multidimensional elements that helped Bill demonstrate greater value to the organization: 1. Identifying performance issues within Bill’s control. 2. Reestablishing performance expectations (establishing goals). 3. Providing resources and time (partnering with Alex) to improve personal performance. 4. Acknowledging issues outside Bill’s control, which may contribute to performance (but not using them as an excuse). 5. Monitoring goals with regular performance feedback. 6. Acknowledging accomplished goals. Bill’s manager learned that top performers do not necessarily

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motivate their employees with speeches or platitudes. Top performers create the conditions in which employees can be effective.

Difficult bosses So how bad is your boss? While your manager is (hopefully) not throwing things at you, many people do work for difficult and angry bosses. It is a lot easier to deal with difficult people who are peers or who report to you rather than to contend with a difficult boss. Peter Block says, “You don’t need your boss to create the world you want to live in.” Yet too many of us act as if our boss had supreme power over our world. In “Leading Despite Your Boss,” Gene Mage suggests the following steps to cope with the challenge of an unsupportive boss: 1. Expect a positive outcome. View your unsupportive boss as simply one of the many challenges you face in life and use it to bring about positive effects in your life. 2. Empower yourself. Focus on learning, being faithful to the company, working at your potential, and leading with integrity. 3. Exercise Influence. Take responsibility and action for improving your relationship with your boss rather than relying on her to change. Express to your boss the desire to work well together and ask what you can do to better the relationship. Have a professional, businesslike, and direct talk examining what both of you need and want.

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4. Enhance your relationship with the boss. Work to rebuild trust. This will require frequent communication focused on achieving what you set out to accomplish. 5. Express your needs. Have an open dialogue about what you need. Genuineness without accusation can be very powerful. We would add to this that it is important to remember that your boss is a person too, with needs and the desire to work well with others. Just as you would do with a coworker, it is important to take the time to see the world as your boss sees it. Top performers know that bosses need approval and invest time to understand the perspectives, challenges, and viewpoints of people to whom they report.

Examining our view of difficult people One final thing that you must remember as a top performer is that your view of someone is not necessarily 100 percent accurate. This is important to remember because our views of other people can actually impact how they behave. Role of expectations. Rick Brinkman and Rick Kirschner explore the role of expectations in their book, Dealing with People You Can’t Stand: How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst. They present the case that the negative reactions we have to problem employees can reinforce the negative behavior. They suggest breaking the cycle by switching to a mindset that gives the person the benefit of the doubt. For example, they suggest building on the positive self-concepts of the difficult person and showing confidence in his ability to get the job done. While we may not believe that this approach will always be effective, it is certainly

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worth a try, and we have seen it used successfully. This, of course, needs to be done sincerely and frequently. Prominent author and speaker Stephen Covey challenges readers’ views about irresponsible employees in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change. 1. Consider that the way you see the problem is the problem. If employees are difficult, could it be partly due to how I am treating them? 2. Have I created the unity necessary for an effective business relationship? Do I show humility, courage, and strength in my leadership? 3. Have I grown dependent on this person in some way? For example, if you are scared of your manager and feel vulnerable to the organization, perhaps you need to invest more in yourself and build your skills, branding, and ability to inspire. The point of the final section of this chapter is to make sure when dealing with difficult subordinates, bosses, and coworkers that you take complete ownership for any part of the problem you have contributed. Even if you are only 10 percent responsible for the problem, take 100 percent responsibility for that 10 percent and see how that might positively impact the challenges. You might be surprised.

Coaching and Application Dealing with a chronically negative employee (an exercise for managers) Walk yourself through the following steps to form actions concerning dealing with a negative subordinate:

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Step 1: Examine if you are contributing to the problem • In what way do you approach this person that maximizes the chances for success?

• What (if anything) about your expectations about this person could be contributing to the problem?

• In what ways have you shown humility, courage, and strength in how you have handled the situation?

If these questions have opened up any areas for improvement, try making those improvements before going to step two. Step 2: Identify the problem • Write a direct yet respectful way to name the problem to the employee (make sure you include a statement of your desire to work this out with him):

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• Write below your question that will engage him in problemsolving the issue:

Step 3: Set standards and consequences • What is your request of the person?

• Clearly write out the success parameters for behavior change (in other words, write how you will know he has successfully changed his negativity):

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• What will be the consequences for progress or lack of progress?

Step 4: Follow up • When and how often will you meet to review progress?

(Make sure you note progress if possible when you meet.) Step 5: The verbal warning • If the behavior does not progress, what kind of verbal warning do you want to make?

Step 6: The written warning (only complete this step if the behavior has not changed after an official verbal warning) • Write a direct, logical, and behavior-focused warning that emphasizes the impact of his behavior on the business and sets consequences and timelines for nonimprovement

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Step 7: Termination • When will you know that it is time to let go of the person? What behaviors will indicate that the individual is not going to change?

Now apply these principles as needed.

Coaching up: Dealing with a difficult boss Imagine a situation in which you might have a conflict with your boss. Then answer the following questions: 1. How can you see this interaction in a positive light with a positive outcome?

2. How will you empower yourself in this process?

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3. What can you take responsibility for in terms of improving your relationship with your boss?

4. How will you build trust with your boss?

5. What needs do you want to genuinely express to your boss?

6. Put yourself in your boss’s position—what pressures, viewpoints, feelings, and difficulties would you experience?

Now make a decision about having this conversation.

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Chapter 5: Building Strength by Overcoming Adversity Chapter Overview In this chapter we will explore what top performers know about adversity and how it aids them in conflict situations. We will explore how lower performers often see adversity negatively and how many of them shrink from or avoid adversity whenever possible. This chapter will emphasize how top performers realize that adversity, when handled correctly, builds character, strength, and confidence. We will end the chapter by exploring the role of your inner world in creating the emotions and thoughts that make up a top performer.

Real-Life Conflict Diane was exhausted. She ran a $45 million consulting company but didn’t think she could take the pressure anymore. When I stepped in her office I saw a tired, out-of-shape, depressed human being who was running a successful business at the sake of her own health. “I’m tired of all the people problems,” she stated. “Someone is always fighting on my management team and invariably the problem comes to my door and I spend several wasted hours baby-sitting these people and trying to get them to get along. It has just gotten so hard,” was her last remark before staring out the window and simply shaking her head. She was considering selling the business, but wanted coaching to determine if this was the right decision for her.


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Diane had been dealing with adversity for a long time. It had drained her drive, passion, and health. It was time for a change.

What Top Performers Know We will revisit Diane’s story later in this chapter and you will see how she successfully overcame the adversity she was facing. Before we conclude the story, however, let’s examine the topic of dealing with life and work hardships. When you think of adversity, what comes to mind? Do you have negative thoughts and images, or do you see adversity in a positive light? At first glance, adversity is negative. It takes time and energy and, frankly, can be a pain in the neck. In contrast, however, adversity can be viewed from a positive angle. In the Christian faith, writers of the New Testament in the Bible had this to say about adversity: Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 5:3–5; New International Version Top performers know a few things about adversity. They know that adversity: • Strengthens resolve • Creates opportunity • Is essential in competitive situations • Is highly impacted by choice Let’s look at each one of these in greater detail.

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Building Strength by Overcoming Adversity

Adversity strengthens resolve People who shrink from adversity tend to be easily overwhelmed and emotional. Some people can become paralyzed by adversity. In contrast, top performers treat adversity as a challenge and become the leaders of today and the architects of tomorrow. Much of the reaction to adversity comes from how you view it. There is a carnival game my kids play where there is a balloon on the top of a plastic head of a clown. You expand the balloon by shooting water into the mouth of a clown, and the first person to pop the balloon wins. There is one winner per game and once a balloon is popped, the person in charge of the game replaces it with a new balloon and the game begins again. Usually there are about seven seats, so at the beginning of the game six out of the seven seats have balloons on the clown’s head that were expanded, but never broke. One of the seats will have a brandnew balloon. The strategy for winning this game is simple; make sure you sit down in the seat that has the new balloon on the clown’s head. Some people make the wrong decision and sit in a seat where the balloon has been stretched out, thinking that the stress of being stretched will make the balloon pop earlier. The exact opposite is true. The balloon that has never been stretched is much more susceptible to breaking. The experience of being stressed actually helps the balloons become more capable of taking pressure. The same is true in life. People who have never known pressure are less capable of taking the stress; people who have been stressed and have handled it effectively can handle even more stress. Paradoxically, the way you view the stress impacts your ability to handle it. If you think you can’t take any more,

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then you are right. If you think, I’ve handled this in the past and have proven I can handle it well, then you are right too. Top performers choose the latter option.

Adversity creates opportunity With every adversity comes opportunity. When the stock market took a beating in 2002, many financial advisors had a difficult time dealing with adversity. They had been spoiled for years with incredible results and profits. Their clients loved them because they were making money and everyone had dreams of retiring as multimillionaires. When the market took a hit, those same clients became unsatisfied, angry, and attacking. This impacted many financial advisors in a very negative way. They were not used to the adversity and thus many of them went into hiding. They started avoiding their clients because they did not want to be beat up again. This tendency created incredible opportunity for top-performing financial advisors. While other advisors where hiding from their clients, top performers were busy scheduling appointments with their clients to face their concerns and fears as well as poaching the clients of the paralyzed advisors. They did marketing strategies around the concept of “Is your advisor helping you through these tough times?” and were able to steal high net worth individuals from other advisors. Lesser performers go into a protective mode in conflict. Top performers take a different approach. They look at all of the angles, face the tough issues, and subsequently thrive in times of adversity.

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Adversity is essential in competitive situations Can you imagine a football team that had no competition? How much effort do you think they would put into practice? Human nature suggests that without competition, we tend to get lazy and content. Top performers take a very competitive mindset when it comes to adversity. They see it as a challenge rather than a roadblock. Top performers are energized by the idea of beating a challenge. In fact, many of them thrive on it. A top performer who does not have challenge in his life is usually one unhappy camper. Competition is part of the American way. We love it! I heard one coach use the term cocompetition once. She was referring to the fact that we can both cooperate and compete at the same time. I think this is very true. If you believe in abundance, then you know there is enough for all of us. However, you will make sure that you perform well and earn the rewards and results that you want. For top performers, adversity is the gasoline to run their performance. “He thinks he can beat me?” is taken as a challenge that can result in two workers striving to be at their best.

Adversity is highly impacted by choice Victor Frankl was a physician who was sentenced to Nazi concentration camps for three years during World War II. His only “crime” was that he was Jewish. Frankl lost everything—his clothes, family pictures, his personal possessions, pretty much anything you can (and would prefer not to) imagine. Frankl experienced cruelty and starvation of the highest magnitude in the Nazi death camps. Here was a man forced to make a daily choice between death and bitterness and hope. He chose hope.

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Frankl paid attention to the criteria that the guards used to make choices about who would live and who would die. He noticed that the healthy prisoners were allowed to live so they could continue to work. Therefore, he chose to work. He also noticed the guards evaluating prisoners’ skin color and saw that pink-skinned individuals were viewed in a positive light. Therefore, he chose to shave his head with broken glass each day to irritate his skin and produce a pink color. The strategy helped him work and live another day. Amid the cruelties of forced labor in terrible conditions, Frankl developed a strong inner life with the use of visualization and imagery. He imagined conversations with his wife in order to feel closeness to her despite their lack of physical proximity. He focused on such things as a songbird landing a few feet from him, and chose to see them as signs of the hope and beauty that was still present in his world. Despite his circumstance, Frankl chose to see meaning in his life. He thought about his work that was unfinished. He imagined being reunited with his family. These visions kept him alive and striving for another day. Because of his choices, Frankl survived the concentration camp. He returned to life in Vienna, where he practiced medicine and wrote more than thirty books, received twenty-nine honorary doctorates, and held five professorships in the United States. Frankl died on September 2, 1997, at the age of ninety-two. His work and his example impacted people in ways that no one and no challenge could ever take away. His choices affected how he experienced extreme adversity and probably even saved his life. While adversity is not usually a life-or-death situation for us, it is still good to build our ability to handle life’s difficulties and conflicts.

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Train and delegate In handling life’s difficulties, you do not want to put all of this responsibility on yourself. Train your coworkers and your subordinates to be catalysts, put out fires, and be detectives. Remember our story about Diane, the worn-out CEO? Well, we followed similar steps to help her change the way she handled employee difficulties and infighting. The most important part of her coaching work was to break the mindset that she was somehow a victim of these problems. Somehow this powerful woman had forgotten how powerful she was. She was not holding her managers accountable for cooperating together and somehow was allowing them to put all of their negative emotions on her. In our coaching work with Diane, we started creating a mindset for her that had her looking at staff outbursts as an opportunity to bring them up to the next level. We helped her see that some of the conflicts were positive and were simply a sign that she had effectively hired a passionate staff. As she started to change how she viewed and dealt with the adversity, amazingly, her desire to sell the company disappeared. Now she has a top-notch staff (those that could not be trained to the next level were let go and she hired more mature and qualified staff to replace them), has recaptured her passion for her company, and has more energy than almost anyone we know.

Caring for your inner world Besides changing her view and tactics with adversity, Diane also had to examine her own behaviors and determine if they were helping or hurting her. Amazingly, many of us continue behaviors that are self-defeating and ineffective.

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Top performers take the time to examine their inner world. Unexamined lives usually result in automatic behavior. Automatic behavior usually results in living a life less than your potential. Parker Palmer, the author of Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation, suggests that leaders who examine their inner lives will “cast more light” into the world. He suggested taking the time to examine your thoughts around the following negative paradigms: 1. Insecurity and worth. 2. The universe is a battleground, hostile to human interests. 3. Functional atheism—the belief that ultimate responsibility for everything rests with me. 4. Fear—especially our fear of the natural chaos of life. 5. Denial of death. Failure to examine and challenge these paradigms could have a negative impact on your spirit, your performance, your relationships, and your workplace. The bottom line is that the mentally and physically healthy person is better equipped to handle conflicts and tackle adversities— ones that could cause less healthy individuals to crumble and fail.

Coaching and Application What blocks you? Review this list of common performance blocks to assess any selfdefeating behaviors in the workplace. (Some are related to conflict and some just have potential to bring on conflict because of the potential impact on others.) Rate the following on a scale of 1 through 7 in terms of how much you struggle with each of

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them. 7 = struggle constantly with this block; 1 = never struggle in this area: _____ Fear of failure

_____ Fear of success

_____ Procrastination

_____ Perfectionism

_____ Negative self-image

_____ Poor time management

_____ Lack of assertiveness _____ Difficulty balancing work and home _____ Poor communication skills _____ Anger/frustration

skills _____ Poor organizational skills _____ Lack of self-confidence _____ Extreme peoplepleasing tendencies

_____ Fear of new things

_____ Failure to delegate

_____ Getting defensive

_____ Low self-discipline

_____ Dealing poorly with

_____ Difficulty giving

conflict _____ Other (add any self-

feedback to others _____ Poor listening skills

defeating behavior of which you are aware): ______________

Now take any self-defeating behaviors that you rated 5 or above and write down a plan on how you will address these (options include, but are not limited to: hiring a coach, taking a course, studying a book, asking for accountability from a peer, or talking to your manager).

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Are you biased? Rate each of the following on a scale of 1 through 5 in terms of your internal drive in each of the areas (5 means you agree very much with the statement; 1 indicates you do not think the statement applies to you): I try to simplify conflict rather than look at all of the possibilities and angles 5

4

3

2

1

Very much so

Mostly

Somewhat

Slightly

Not at all

Please give a concrete example that represents your answer:

I see great opposition between me and others, or I tend to create win-lose situations instead of win-win solutions

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5

4

3

2

1

Very much so

Mostly

Somewhat

Slightly

Not at all


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I see cooperation and competition as opposite concepts 5

4

3

2

1

Very much so

Mostly

Somewhat

Slightly

Not at all


I have a tendency to protect my ego and interests 5

4

3

2

1

Very much so

Mostly

Somewhat

Slightly

Not at all


If you scored above a 2 on any of the above, then congratulations on being honest. Self-insight is the first step to positive behavior change. Next, write down how you might view your examples

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differently if you saw the complexity of the conflict, pursued a win-win solution, accepted both cooperation and competition as part of the process, and looked at the situation from someone else’s viewpoint:

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Chapter 6: Working Productively with Others Chapter Overview Work would be easy if it wasn’t for those other people! Truthfully, working with others can be difficult, unpredictable, challenging, and frustrating. Many individuals are discouraged by team conflict and view the conflict negatively. In this chapter we will explore why you want to have conflict on your team and how to make sure that you have that positive conflict that produces nextlevel results. We will examine the role of emotional intelligence as well as explore the normal stages a team goes and grows through.

Real-Life Conflict Ted was right in the middle of his main point when Donna interrupted him. “Without more details and better instructions this assessment will not have any credibility with our customers,” she piped in. While Ted wasn’t surprised by Donna’s perspective (she was always the one to nitpick), he was angry that she once again was trying to prove her superiority over him in front of their boss and peers. Ted refuted her comments. “Look, Donna, we have been testing this with focus groups and select clients, and every time it has had credibility and made sense to them—you might want to let me finish the whole report before you jump in talking about stuff you don’t know.” Now, of course, Donna could not let


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Ted’s comment just sit there, so she started defending her stance with statements concerning half-baked research and “from my experience” comments to prove Ted wrong. The group could see Ted’s jaw clenching and face turning red as his anger escalated. They also knew that Donna was not the type to let up and that this conversation was going nowhere fast. The executive director eventually jumped in and called a break. He then scolded Ted and Donna on their unprofessional behavior and told them they needed to get along better or he was going to have to make a tough decision. Both left the meeting feeling disrespected by each other and by their boss. The last I heard, the company was downsized and all three of these individuals lost their jobs.

What Top Performers Know Do you play well with others? Many big goals in life cannot be achieved without the power of a community or team behind them. None of the individuals in the story above knew how to handle conflict and differences effectively. Working with others can be challenging and requires the ability to understand your own and others’ emotions and desires. Let’s cover a few things that top performers know about teams and conflict.

Emotional intelligence is the key to team success Although it has been around for a long time, emotional intelligence is gaining much attention at the time of writing this book. Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to recognize your own feelings and the feelings of others along with the capacity to effectively manage these emotions. Mediocre performers often view EQ as touchy-feely stuff, but to label EQ this way is both

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Working Productively with Others

naïve and shortsighted. In fact, EQ is a better predictor of success than IQ. Face it, you’ve met brilliant people who have failed to succeed because they had some blind spot or could never learn how to relate to others. Cognitive intelligence is just not enough to cause most of us to excel. We have to pay attention to the world of emotions. Therefore top performers take the time to learn about and understand how emotions affect their professional lives. Paul Power, the author of Leadership for Tomorrow: Once More, with Feeling, focuses on the fact that EQ is about exercising true choices, based upon an accurate assessment of one’s self in any given situation. While there are many factors to EQ, we will focus on four dimensions: • Self-awareness • Self-management • Social awareness • Relationship management Self-awareness. Some people have more self-aware “mess” than self-awareness. They are completely blind to their tendencies, habits, and hurtful behaviors. They react on autopilot and do not realize what they feel and how they are acting. Self-awareness is a cornerstone to emotional intelligence and takes some work. Classic methods for building self-awareness include journaling, asking for feedback from coworkers, and working with a coach. Part of being an emotionally intelligent top performer is having the courage to examine the way we see the world.

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In the excellent resource Managing Conflict: A Complete Processcentered Handbook by Roy W. Pneuman and Margaret E. Bruehl, the authors identify five types of distortions that occur in our perceptions. These are: 1. Projection—attributing feelings or emotions in others that you do not want to see in yourself, but which you subconsciously feel and think 2. Selection—seeing only those things that support what you desire or feel 3. Expectation—only recognizing data that support how you anticipate the situation will occur 4. Expansion—the process of adding to what you see in a way that makes the data make sense to you 5. Fixation—only recognizing data that support your current mindset or deeply held stereotypes Truthfully, we all do these actions, but we differ greatly in our insight to see this, accept it, and do something about it. To increase your self-awareness, you must be conscious of these tendencies and always be willing to challenge your perceptions. Self-management. Some people are very aware of what they feel, but have little to no ability to manage their reactions in a conflictual situation. Their lack of ability to regulate themselves creates embarrassing situations for them and their coworkers. Research on self-management includes studies on the ability to delay gratification. Research shows that the ability to hold back as a child correlates with better grades, results in better work success as a young person, and even predicts your success as an adult. Tactics to increase self-regulation can be as simple as learning to

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count to ten before responding to a conflict, to more complex strategies such as cognitive restructuring. In The Coward’s Guide to Conflict, I share a technique called TruthTalk. With this approach you simply dissect an emotional event and break it down into: • The catalyst (what prompted your reaction?) • Your emotions (what did you feel?) • Your self-talk (what did you say to yourself about the catalyst that upset you?) By understanding these factors, you can examine your reaction to see if it is based on full truth or simply perception; it also helps you determine if your reactions are helping or hurting you. If it is perceptual or hurting you, then you can develop new ways to view or think about the situation. When practiced regularly, this technique can help you manage your emotions very effectively. Social awareness. You know that person who you confronted for hurting your feelings and who was completely unaware that he had done anything? That person was likely lacking to some degree in social awareness. He may not have been trying to hurt you, but he was oblivious to your feelings. Top performers take an emotional temperature when they enter the room. They read body language and ask questions that reveal what people are feeling. They have the ability to understand multiple perspectives on an issue and can empathize with people from diverse backgrounds and experiences. The authors of Work with Me! Resolving Conflict in Your Organization provide a systematic approach to resolving conflicts at work using the emotion-reason-intuition (ERI) model. Their three-step ERI model reveals how to deal with the emotions

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surrounding conflict, using a combination of reason and intuition to resolve the matter. They look at the role of unconscious emotions such as resentment, and conscious emotions like rage. They suggest the following in order to work with specific emotions: 1. Notice when you have inexplicably powerful emotional reactions. 2. Explore the feelings and attempt to determine patterns, sources, and reasons for your intensity. 3. Ask for accountability and request that someone help you to see your blind spots and uncover your emotions. The authors also suggest a variety of tactics emotionally intelligent top performers use for addressing different emotions and dealing with these feelings. For anger they suggest using personal cues, self-talk, taking a time-out, or shifting your attention to an activity you enjoy. For mistrust they suggest opening up about this feeling, being direct, or leaving diplomatically. For fear they encourage their readers to share concerns with others, examine the reality of the fear, and see how the risk might be managed. Relationship management. In a conflict situation, your ability to manage relationships will be tested. How well can you work with others? Top performers know how to encourage, inspire, and persuade their coworkers, bosses, and subordinates. They do this out of positive intentions and respect for differences. Top performers manage conflict early before the emotions are running too hot and chances for resolution have lessened. This entire book is basically dedicated to relationship management and if you do the exercises and follow the suggestions, you will build

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your emotional intelligence, because the good news is that EQ can be learned and is not static. You can build on your emotional skill sets and use them effectively no matter what your age or position.

Creating cohesive teams How do groups become cohesive? In the classic The Group: A Cycle from Birth to Death, Richard Weber examines the predictability of the group process. He describes three major stages of a group: forming, storming, and norming and performing. Each of these stages in turn has four dimensions that top performers are aware of and can tap into to normalize the conflict and make decisions. These are outlined below: Stage I—Forming (where the group comes together) • Group behavior: Tends to be polite and superficial as group members look for similarities or common needs. • Group issue: What are the basic criteria for membership? • Interpersonally: The issue is one of inclusion. Do I want to be included in the group? Will I be accepted? What will it cost me to be a part of this group? • Leadership: At this stage the group is very dependent on the leader for direction and information. There is much variability in how this first stage goes for a group. It may be smooth and pleasant or intense and frustrating.

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Stage II—Storming (dealing with power and decision making) • Group behavior: The group develops rules and attempts to create order; often the group will be in conflict with the leader and attack her. • Group issue: Power and influence: The group works to create a process for decision making. • Interpersonally: The group members work through personal needs for control. • Leadership: The group works to cut dependency to the leader by reacting negatively to that person. They will stay dependent until they initiate interdependent behavior. It is crucial for the group to be aware of accomplishments at this stage in order to evolve and develop in the future. Stage III—Norming and Performing (the group becomes a cohesive unit) • Group behavior: Group members negotiate roles and processes. • Group issues: Group members work together to achieve goals. • Interpersonally: The group starts caring for each other. • Leadership issues: The team exhibits interdependent behavior as they work together and accomplish goals by tapping into the unique individual talents in the group. When the team members accomplish a goal by reaching consensus or solving a group problem, the group becomes unified. These stages are not completely linear, and groups go through

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them at different rates of speed. They will also go through these stages again across the life of the group. By understanding these stages, top performers can expect conflict, normalize it, and deal with it effectively. Let’s look at a historical team process as described by Robert Kennedy in Thirteen Days: A Memoir of the Cuban Missile Crisis. It was October 1962, at the height of the cold war, and President John F. Kennedy received notification from intelligence reports that the Soviet Union was sending atomic missiles to Cuba. The confrontation brought the U.S. and the Soviet Union to the brink of possible nuclear destruction. For thirteen tense days the U.S. and Soviet Union were on the verge of atomic war. President Kennedy assembled a team of advisors to address the crisis. Date: October 16–29, 1962. Objective: Force missiles out of Cuba without war. Team assembled: Executive Committee of the National Security Council (Ex Comm). Sixteen high-ranking cabinet officials, including the secretary of state, secretary of defense, generals, a United Nations ambassador, and special assistants to the president. Team Process: The team talked, argued, and debated as equals (leaving rank at the door). Two teams formed to write position papers, which formed the basis for their recommendations to the president. The teams developed their separate recommendations. One team argued for a blockade of Cuba’s waters, while the other team advocated military action. Guiding all of the discussion was the intent of not disgracing Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev or the Soviet Union. The teams exchanged position papers for critiques and implementation assessments. The recommendations

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were finalized with input from the other team. The president heard both recommendations and chose to initially address the conflict with a blockade. The intervention was successful and may have averted war and the loss of many lives. What can we gain from exploring this process? Here are some of the main principles: • They took the time to develop their actions • They talked, debated, argued, and disagreed • More than one recommendation was developed • Multiple points of view were heard without regard to position • The president got the support of stakeholders • The team used emotional intelligence to view the situation from the Soviet Union’s viewpoint (by focusing on nondisgracing solutions) The team had to attack the issue with passion, direct communication, and the ability to put egos at the door. While this was an incredibly tense time for our country, the strategy worked and a potentially tragic situation was averted.

Developing win-win solutions We have all heard about the need to create win-win solutions, but Rubin, Pruitt, and Kim (1994) help guide us on how to create these. Below are ways to find solutions in which all needs are considered and met for all individuals. Expanding the pie. Working together to create additional resources, which can be divided. Why just settle for the resources you thought you had available? Be creative and look for ways to

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discover additional resources to meet everyone’s needs and wants. Nonspecific compensation. Finding additional ways to repay the person for letting go of an issue or giving in. There are many ways to reward people, and sometimes we need to break away from a specific angle or approach in order to find new ways. Logrolling. Sometimes you need to release and let go. Letting go of the less important issues can earn you favor and the ability to be persuasive when you really care about an issue. Choose your battles carefully. Bridging. Creative and new options are created that address the true interests of each party. Why get in a conflictual situation before taking the time to determine if everyone can get what they want? Think outside of the box and be unconventional in exploring the possibilities. That is what pioneers do! In order to determine the win-win situation it is often necessary to analyze the situation by asking questions about: • Your wants—What do I want and why do I want it? • Their wants—What do they want and why do they want it? • Possible solutions—What are some different and creative ways that would allow all of us to get what we want? • The core issues—What do we need to discuss to fully understand each other’s perspectives, including needs, reasons, beliefs, and feelings? What is the core issue here? Is there a real conflict due to different core interest, beliefs, and values, or could the conflict simply be due to a misunderstanding? By walking yourself through these questions, you have a greater chance to see multiple angles to the conflict and, subsequently, multiple solutions.

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Coaching and Application Analyze your group Take a look at one of the teams in which you are currently functioning and ask yourself the following questions: 1. Which stage of group formation is the group currently experiencing?

2. What behaviors are group members showing that are consistent with this stage of group formation?

3. What does the group need to do to successfully deal with this stage?

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4. What will you do to help the group move in a positive direction?

Develop a win-win solution How might you use different techniques to deal with a negotiation or conflict situation in which you are currently involved? Remember to think about what you really want and why you want it (and do the same from the other party’s perspective). Write down a response to the following statements: • I could expand the pie by:

• I could find additional ways to repay the person by:

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• I could let go of the following issues:

• I could address both of our true interests by:

Now decide what to do about the situation!

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Chapter 7: Managing, Mentoring, and Coaching Others through Conflict Chapter Overview Top performers don’t just focus on themselves in conflict; they also focus on how to manage, mentor, and coach others in tough situations. In this chapter we will explore the differences between a management, mentoring, and coaching style when aiding others in conflict. We will also walk through step-by-step approaches for mediating others in conflict in order to build your leadership skills and impact.

Real-Life Conflict We lived in the Chicago area and followed the exciting Bulls teams through the Michael Jordan era. The 1993–94 was a challenging year for the team as it was Jordan’s first year in retirement. During the nationally televised 1994 Eastern Semifinals playoff game against the New York Knicks, with the score tied and 1.8 seconds left on the game clock, the Bulls called time-out to set a play. Coach Phil Jackson rallied his starters around his clipboard to draw a schematic for the next play to win the game. The team broke from the huddle, but star forward Scottie Pippen remained seated. He wasn’t returning to the game! The coach and Pippen appeared to exchange a few words. Apparently,


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Pippen refused to play the final 1.8 seconds of the game. Jackson was forced to call a second time-out and strategize one more time. Many Chicagoans fully expected Jackson to yell and scream and motivate the prima-donna star back into the game. After all, Pippen was insubordinate to the coach and disrespectful to the team. Basketball is a team game; especially with the Bulls triangle offense that capitalized on the interdependencies of five teammates on the court. The team approach is what had helped the Bulls win three championships to date. And Pippen should have known this (in fact, most of us were shouting this at the television)! Jackson did not react as most expected. He quietly asked Pippen a question. It appeared that Pippen shook his head no. Jackson brought in Pete Myers as a substitute for the last 1.8 seconds of the game. The team executed the final play of the game. Myers passed the ball to forward Tony Kukoc for the gamewinning shot. The Bulls won game three of the playoffs—without Jordan or Pippen. Jackson tells what went on behind the scenes in the locker room following the victory in his book, Sacred Hoops. The usual excitement and celebration following a walk-off victory was not present. A cloud was hanging over the locker room. How would Pippen react to the team? How would the team react to Pippen? Cocaptain Bill Cartwright, who towers at seven feet tall and has a deep bass voice, emotionally confronted Pippen on his behavior and told him that what he did was wrong and against the team ethic. Cartwright passionately shared with his teammate about how important this season was to him—possibly one of his last as a player. And without Jordan playing, the team had an opportunity to define itself.

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Managing, Mentoring, and Coaching OtherS

Pippen listened to Cartwright and other teammates and then apologized for his selfishness. The entire team then started sharing. Players talked about times they felt similar frustrations. By the end of the conflict discussion, Pippen had made peace with his teammates and himself. Jackson did not jump in, but rather allowed the team to handle the situation. There were no fines or suspensions levied. Pippen was prepared to play the next game and his teammates welcomed his return.

What Top Performers Know Empowering others Many rookie managers get themselves into trouble and accidentally depower their team by jumping into conflict too early. In our example, Jackson had the wisdom to let the Bulls team try to resolve the conflict with each other rather than controlling the discussion. While we will be addressing techniques for mentoring, managing, and coaching others in conflict, our first point is that in most cases, it is more beneficial to allow two adults to try to resolve differences themselves before jumping in. Of course, if the conflict is severe, they may need your objective opinion to help them out. However, in many cases individuals should be allowed to experience the conflict and make attempts to resolve it first. Remember that conflict is not bad and that many good things can come out of the discussions. In our example, the Bulls probably bonded better by working out the issue themselves instead of the having the coach resolving the issue. Even if others try and fail to reach a resolution, the experience can still provide coachable moments.

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Finding the coachable moments In coaching we treat events of failure or mistakes simply as learning experiences. Conflict creates coachable moments that are full of opportunity for growth, insight, and the bonding of relationships. Conflict and your reaction to it can hold up a mirror to previously unexamined habits, perspectives, and behaviors. Often the difference between a conflict becoming a coachable moment or a harmful event is determined by a top-performing coach’s actions. To coach someone, you do not need to be his direct manager (although it does make the task a little easier). You can coach a subordinate, a peer, and even a boss. In this chapter we will look at several ways to help others get through and learn from conflict. After our review we will examine what these approaches share in common in order to make some firm suggestions concerning coaching others. At the core of each of these approaches is the top performer’s willingness to see the conflict as a normal part of corporate success. You don’t have to like experiencing conflict, but you must have the ability to help others take these learning experiences and turn them into opportunities to contribute to the success of the team.

Turn it inward It is important to help the people you are coaching to work on themselves first. When your coachees focus on others they inadvertently depower themselves and increase their personal frustration. Their attention on factors they can’t control increases their blame, anger, and sense of helplessness. These feelings de-energize them and can decrease their ability to problem-solve or see other angles to the situation. You will best assist those you are leading by helping them focus on the behaviors, attitudes, and

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emotions that they can control in the situation. They need to work on themselves first because that is where they can have the greatest impact. Nonaccountable individuals prefer to focus on others and complain about others’ actions and reactions. You will build an entire team of top performers by shifting this tendency and helping team members take personal responsibility and accountability. Only by having each individual focus on a personal level of accountability can you hope to have an effective mediation process between parties.

Mediating conflict When the parties are unable to resolve the conflict themselves they may need a mediator. In Managing Conflict: A Complete Process-centered Handbook, authors Roy W. Pneuman and Margaret E. Bruehl suggest eight steps when mediating a conflict between two parties. In addition, contributor Kenneth Kressel offers twelve steps to mediating conflict in C. W. Moore’s The Mediation Process. Following is a step-by-step approach to mediation that combines these authors’ perspectives: 1. If you don’t already have one, establish a relationship with the individuals in conflict 2. Analyze the data with each person individually, asking them to determine the source of the conflict and also building cooperation and trust and preparing them to have the conversation 3. Pick a strategy for your mediation 4. Start the mediation session a. Define the agenda and issues b. Share analyses—discuss the insights each has from his analysis of the situation

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c. Emphasize any similarities in the perspectives of the parties d. Explore the bottom-line interests and wants of those involved e. If possible, explore creative solutions and options f. Assess the options g. If the issues are too complex to resolve in this one meeting, the process should go to step five 5. Separate the individuals so they can reanalyze the data after the joint meeting and attempt to create potential win-win agreements 6. Meet jointly to share new insights, discuss win-win options, and find agreements a. Allow for final negotiation b. Create mutually acceptable goal statements c. Jointly contract how you will meet these goals d. Form the settlement Top performers use a disciplined approach like this rather than just jumping in a room with conflicted parties to hash it out. While a structured approach takes more time, it generally produces much better results. In the next chapter we will add a structured and disciplined model for the actual conversation between the conflicted parties by way of our GROWS (gather, reflect, own, want, and strategize) conflict conversation model. That model can be used effectively at steps in this mediation process.

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Creating the win-win solution While the phrase win-win has gotten somewhat overused, it still applies to coaching others through conflict. I remember one coachee who blatantly told me that he did not believe in win-win solutions. He was a competitor and only cared about getting what he wanted. Given his personality, I knew that I was unlikely to motivate him with a humanistic argument. So instead, I simply flowed with his perspective. We did a cost-benefit analysis of an issue he was currently in conflict about with his boss and we examined the results of going at it competitively and the results of going after it in a way that his boss could also get what he wanted. My focus, of course, was on what my client wanted. When he saw that the win-win got him results and the win-lose increased his likelihood to be on the losing side, he said, “It would be stupid of me not to create a win-win.” Over time he gained insight that it is almost always stupid not to create the win-win situation. Top performers know that the win-win solution bonds relationships, builds advocates, makes life easier, and oh, by the way, gets results.

Differences in managing, mentoring, and coaching others through conflict The previous approaches to crucial conversations, mediating, and creating win-win solutions could be executed in several different ways. Your approach to helping others through conflict will be dictated by your personal style, the willingness and maturity of the conflicted individuals, and the severity of the problem. Up to this point we have been using the terms managing, coaching, and mentoring interchangeably for the sake of simplicity, but top

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performers know that there are actually important differences in these approaches.

Managing others through conflict The dictionary offers synonyms for managing that describe a management approach as controlling, manipulating, and forceful (this is, of course, the extreme of the definition). Managing others through conflict is position dependent. In other words, in most cases you cannot manage your boss through conflict. You do not have the authority to define what her approach should be and trying to manage your boss often ends in disaster. Managing others through conflict simply means that you are structuring and defining the interaction. You maintain control of the situation and walk the parties through the conflict in a defined stepby-step process. This process is your most powerful tool in actually resolving the conflict. You do not necessarily have to have personal experience with the conflict situation, but you must know how to persuade and motivate your subordinates in order to be effective. While managing others through conflict can be time-efficient, there is the danger of glossing over issues and not getting to the real core. Participants might feel forced to end the conflict prematurely and simply placate the manager. At an extreme you are persuading others to see your position and not necessarily helping them think for themselves or showing them how top performers handle conflict. An extreme of this approach was shown by the manager of Ted and Donna from chapter 6 who pulled them into his office and said, “Either you two get along or one of you is getting fired.” While extremely time-efficient, you can imagine that this tactic was not very successful in turning Ted and Donna into top performers.

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Mentoring others through conflict Individuals in conflict can benefit greatly from talking with someone who has “been there, done that.” Mentors are particularly helpful because they understand the situation, know the complexities, and can share approaches they used that either failed or worked to resolve the conflict. Mentoring others through conflict is respect dependent. The involved parties must have respect for your experience and character in order to be willing to listen and benefit from the path you have walked. You must be seen as a leader in order to be given the status of a mentor (leader not by position, but by personality, impact, or character). On rare occasions a humble boss will allow a subordinate to mentor her if it is very clear that the subordinate has experience in a conflict that the manager does not. Your personal stories are your most powerful tool when mentoring others. You share your stories in order to gain credibility with the people you are helping and to encourage them to practice similar approaches. Your experience has great value and you teach them effectively through sharing your path. Mentoring can potentially take more time than managing depending on the length and complexity of your story. Dangers of mentoring are minimal, but you need to watch that you are not putting your own issues on the individuals you are mentoring and that you are recognizing differences between your experiences and their unique conflict situations. Also, your ability to mentor is highly dependent on how the people view you. If you are not respected, your experience will be seen as worthless. In contrast, a respected mentor can be highly persuasive because it is hard to argue with someone who has been a pioneer in making an approach work.

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Like managing, mentoring can be highly effective in helping others resolve conflict. However, a pure mentoring approach has limitations in terms of turning employees into top performers. To make top performers, your approach must contain some elements of coaching (which, by the way, is also true of managing).

Coaching others through conflict The main difference between a pure coaching approach and a pure management or mentoring approach involves who is seen as the expert. In managing and mentoring, the manager and mentor are the experts. They either have the process or the experience that gives them the expertise, and they are directing the individuals through the conflict-resolution process. Coaching, on the other hand, in its purest form, treats the person being coached as the expert. The main expertise of the coach is his ability to pull out perspectives and solutions from the participants. Coaching is not position dependent, and we encourage our clients to coach up, sideways, and down in their organizations. While not all bosses will allow subordinates to coach them, we have found that organizations that have invested in our coaching skills training and see the respect involved in the process tend to create managers who value those occasions where subordinates partner with them and provide coaching moments. A coach exhibits less control over the individuals in conflict because he is not directing them, but pulling from them. The coach asks powerful questions to help the coachees self-discover perspectives, biases, and habits that are contributing to the conflict. While the coach has a process for coaching answers out of the participants, the step-by-step process for addressing the

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conflict is actually created by the participants. Obviously this approach can be time-intensive at first, and this is the reason why many managers fail to use a coaching process. However, the reason we highly recommend some level of coaching in your conflict management efforts is that the process empowers the employee and has the greatest chance to develop top performers. Coaching is effective because you are aiding the coachees to creatively think and work through the conflict. In other words, you are building the mental muscles and insights that may save you much time in the long run. You have done more than just resolve the conflict; you have helped people learn how to resolve conflicts. They see themselves more clearly, know their triggers, and have complete buy-in to the approaches to resolving the conflict because they actually generated the solutions. You are not persuading by position or experience, but rather you are helping coachees persuade themselves through insights and logic. Of course, you cannot coach someone who is unwilling to be coached. (In those cases you have to go to a managing approach.) If you are attempting to coach an unwilling participant who just wants to blame, attack, and defend, then the joint coaching meeting with other participants is likely to go very poorly and may cause more harm than good. Chart 7.1 summarizes the differences between these three approaches.

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Chart 7.1: Summary of Different Approaches to Aiding Others through Conflict

For the sake of clarity we presented these three options to guiding others through conflict as separate approaches. In reality, your approach will likely be a combination of these three options. For example, our mediation process discussed earlier potentially has elements of all three. A management style is present in the fact that

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the manager is defining and controlling the process; mentoring may occur if the manager shares from his personal experience; and coaching should be used to pull out feelings, perspectives, and potential solutions from the participants. In general, there is no right combination; however, top performers know which approach they are using and why. They do not pick the approach that is easiest or natural to them, but which one has the best chance for success. Let’s take a simple situation and note how you would use all three of these approaches. You have a direct report who frustrates other team members because he procrastinates and is generally disorganized. Several teammates have complained to the person, but the individual gets defensive and quiet when confronted, and there has been no progress. Starting with a coaching approach, you ask the person to evaluate himself on strengths and challenges in working with the team. You ask questions about time management and team dynamics such as: • What do you do well with time management and what would you like to do differently? • What impact does your procrastination have on you and on others? • How would it impact you and the team to improve these skills? • What would be some first steps to doing this? You might look for opportunities to mentor the person by sharing similar time management issues that you have overcome and tactics that have worked for you. You might also share personal experiences of frustrating others in the workplace and share the steps you took to fix the problem.

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Finally, you may choose a management approach and send the person to a time management class to receive training. You might also call a team meeting and set standards for response times including a structure for negotiating those response times in general. Not all of these three approaches will fit for all situations. The important thing is that as a top performer you should be choosing your approach consciously and strategically. Now let’s take a coaching approach to help you apply this information by completing the following coaching and application section!

Coaching and Application Your coachable moment Think about the last negative conflict that you had that did not end well. Instead of seeing this as a failure, turn it into a coachable moment by asking yourself the following questions: • What was my main insight about myself from this event?

• What did I learn about conflict from this event?

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• How would I handle it differently if I had the chance to do it over again?

• Is there a way to redo it with better results?

If your answer is yes to the last question, then make a plan to address the situation. If your answer is no, then embrace it as a learning experience and as best you can, give grace to all involved (including yourself).

Managing, mentoring, or coaching? Pick a current situation in which you need to aid someone in handling a conflict. Do a cost-benefit analysis by writing your answers in the boxes in chart 7.2 to determine which of our three approaches (managing, mentoring, or coaching) will best fit that situation.

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Chart 7.2: Which Approach Best Fits?

Now go and approach the situation primarily using your best option and pulling in the other two disciplines as needed.

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Chapter 8: The GROWS Conflict Conversation Method: A Simple Five-Step Model Chapter Overview At the core of positive conflict you will find people of integrity and mission. You will also find individuals who know how to talk about tough issues and situations with discipline and focus. In this chapter we teach a simple but effective five-step model that shows how to have the conflict conversation. By practicing this model you will dramatically increase your ability to execute difficult conversations in a way that builds relationships and resolves issues. We will also examine techniques for handling longstanding conflict and how to end relationships with honor when salvaging the relationship is not possible.

Real-Life Conflict After putting on an international top performers’ retreat, I treated myself to a few days in Monterosso al Mare, a part of the Cinque Terre (five lands) in Italy to relax, write, and settle my spirit. One challenging part of this hidden part of the Italian Riviera was that few people spoke English (and I know very little Italian). However, when I made my awkward attempts to speak in Italian, they seemed to really appreciate the effort. I also was very thankful when they were able to put a few English words in their communication. On


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one occasion I was trying desperately to communicate to a shop owner and we were getting nowhere until I asked, “¿Habla Español?” She answered with a smile, “¡Si, hablo Español!” We were then both able to communicate with broken Spanish because we found a common language that we could both speak. Top performers know that finding a common language can be difficult and awkward, but the benefits far outweigh the difficulties.

What Top Performers Know The soul of the top performer There are a few lessons that we have learned as we have worked with entrepreneurs, executives, teams, and all sorts of individuals as an executive coach and a human resources professional. From multiple travels, retreats, and interactions, we have found certain qualities and attitudes that top performers hold. What follows are examples of how exceptional people deal with conflict that are effective guidelines to help us maintain our integrity in times of disagreement and differences. Here are five lessons that we try to focus on daily: 1. Make attempts to connect with others even when it is awkward (i.e., find a common language). As demonstrated in our story about my time in Italy, it is very important to find a shared language. Whether that language is based on nationality, culture, personality, or other factors, top performers reach out to others in times of conflict by trying to understand their world views, perspectives, and languages. Some people like direct language in conflict and just putting things “on the table.” Others prefer more diplomacy and tact. We all have our preferences, but top performers adapt to the preferences of others and try to find commonalities in

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The Grows Conflict Conversation Method

communication. This is why people listen to and are inspired by the top performer. They communicate in many styles and methods, especially those that will get positive results. 2. Watch out for the trap of entitlement. “I have to boil water so my wife can wash her hair” came out of Eric’s mouth as he came down to the dining area of our retreat house. With fourteen people taking showers around the same time before starting our sessions, the hot water had run out. This happened several times during our retreat and each time I expected someone to start complaining. It never happened. Oh, they mentioned the lack of hot water, but none of these top performers complained about it. Many of us, especially in the USA, have become entitled. We know our rights! We deserve a lot! Entitlement creates conflict, arrogance, and a negative spirit. Top performers can want a lot, but they do not make it a basic human right to get what they want. They are willing to work for their rewards and handle disappointment with dignity and integrity. Entitlement creates negative energy and negative conflict. 3. Assume the best and be generous, even if someone takes advantage of it (or be focused on your own actions rather than the actions of others). I watched with fear as I saw the handicapped man limp across the street in front of the John Hancock building in downtown Chicago, with his cane and a deformed foot. Taxis went zooming by as he did his best to get to the crowd to beg money from them. I initially passed him by as I had read many articles about scam artists in Chicago trying to prey on your sympathies in order to get your money. What if his foot isn’t really deformed? I thought as I walked by. However, something moved my heart and I returned to give him some money. I quit giving to beggars years ago because I did not want to enable addictions and I did not want

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someone to make a fool out of me. I am now questioning those perspectives. Which is worse—to give to someone who misuses it or to not give to someone who desperately needs it? People with integrity are generous and give to others their time, attention, and, sometimes, money. While chronic abusers of generosity should be confronted, top performers know the value of assuming the best in others. They focus on their own action of integrity and allow others to answer for their behaviors. Assuming the best in our coworkers and showing them trust is a wonderful gift that should be given often. 4. Don’t be stingy with words of affirmation. Another way to be generous is to be charitable with praise to others. A final exercise that we often do in workshops is to have participants go around and share positive adjectives that come to mind when thinking of each of the participants. Afterward the individuals simply say thank you and embrace the compliments. Often we get people shedding tears when hearing the kind words. Words of affirmation can build others up and allow us to have a solid bond that protects us in times of conflict. People of integrity are also people of praise. When you have built a relationship full of affirmation and support, you are much more capable of handling differences and communication mistakes. 5. Be grateful and always keep things in perspective. In many of our retreats we do a closing exercise where people share one thing about the experience for which they were grateful and one thing about home for which they would like to be more grateful. Gratitude is an antidote to bitterness. It is so easy to lose perspective when someone does something wrong or goes against one of our “should” rules (people should be polite, people should be on time, people should

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never interrupt at meetings). When someone offends us we can be quick to attack. Top performers keep their integrity by keeping things in perspective and remembering all of their blessings. When we are centered on gratitude, confrontations are much less heated because they do not become do-or-die situations. A grateful heart creates a peaceful soul.

Having the integrity to end it Jim was one of the most creative individuals I had ever met. He had the spirit of an entrepreneur and the drive to match. However, his drive had been waning over the last several years, and his manager brought me in to try to figure out what was wrong. Jim’s manager was a top-notch executive who had risen through the ranks quickly and loved the company he worked for. His personality was strong, results-focused, and not always patient. His managerial style was highly authoritarian, which fit very well with his company, but not well at all with Jim’s personality. In his coaching sessions, Jim mainly attempted to focus on his conflict with his manager rather than on his performance. Jim was miserable in his job, but his fear of unemployment prevented him from looking at other options. Jim was a square peg in a round hole, and each week we met he seemed to be less happy, more bitter, and drained of energy and drive. Through several exercises we revealed that his job was just not a good match for him and his entrepreneurial spirit did not flow well with his manager’s authoritarian focus. It took months, but Jim was finally able to see that the only way to resolve the conflict was to leave his job. Through much discussion he was able to quit and start his own business. The good news is that by the end of the discussion, he

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no longer had to make his manager the villain; instead, he could see that the situation was simply not a good match.

Change occurs in conversation Jim’s situation is not the way most conflicts need to go. Most conflicts can be resolved if the involved parties will simply stay in conversation long enough. However, the form of the conversation is crucial. Having a disciplined and structured way to talk about the conflict can minimize misunderstandings and maximize your chances for success. Figure 8.1 represents the essence of the conflict conversation. We have based it on the acronym GROWS because we feel that maintaining these elements in a conversation Figure 8.1: The Conflict Conversation

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will grow relationships, understanding, teamwork, productivity, and all of the other wonderful benefits of a group who can talk about issues with passion, conviction, and mutual respect. This is not necessarily a linear process. When you meet with resistance, simply move to the previous stage in the model or go back to the center to gather more information. Gather. Use questions and listening skills to determine the source of conflict. Use our list of conflict sources from chapter 2 to help bring out the catalysts and reasons for the conflict to light. Work to fully understand the other person’s perspective and points. To do this you must use powerful questions and keen listening skills. Sample questions to ask in this part of the conversation are: • What do you think is the main case for the conflict? • How did we get into this situation? • What do you think is going on here? • How do you feel about all of this? • What is your perspective on the issue? Eventually both parties will need to show a willingness to gather (as well as all of the other phases of this conversation), but make sure that you are the top performer and are leading the way rather than being reactive. Remember that the stronger person will dictate the emotional mood of the conversation. Reflect. In conflictual situations we generally do not believe that the other person understands our perspectives and emotions unless she fully verbalizes them with empathy and insight. In this stage of the conversation it is important to summarize and paraphrase what the other person said and what she feels. You need to do this genuinely and with emotional insight rather than just

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repeating words. Reflections are fairly simple to do and usually follow this formula: If I understand you correctly, you feel ______________________ because of __________________; is that correct? In addition to building trust through summarizing and paraphrasing, a simple “I really want us to work through this” can put the other people at ease. Do not forget the importance of verbalizing your desire to resolve the conflict. Own. One great way to cleanse your soul and yet also diffuse the other person is to show 100 percent accountability for your behavior. In this phase of the conversation you verbalize your contributions to the conflict. Even if you did not do something horrible, odds are there was something that you could have done better. When you take 100 percent ownership for that behavior it often leads others to do the same. Of course it doesn’t work to justify why you did it or to throw in a “but” (e.g., “I’m sorry I was rude, but you were out of line too”). Without any justification, take ownership and do so with passion and conviction. Do not worry if the other person will do the same. Even though he often will, the main point is that you are letting responsibility and integrity guide your conversation even if he is too immature to fully own his part of the conflict. Want. In order to truly work through the conflict you need to be able to ask the other person for what you need or want. Verbalizing a want as a want is important. In other words, it may not necessarily be a need and it might not be something that you are entitled to receive. Entitlement often produces resistance. If

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you instead show humility in your request along with a desire to hear and respond to what the other person wants, you will increase your chances for success at this stage. Strategize. So you have explored perspectives, summarized positions, owned behavior, and asked for what you want. It is now time to be creative and brainstorm win-win solutions. Remember to return to the true interest and desires that you both have by asking questions like: • How can we both get what we want here? • What new approaches or ideas haven’t we tried yet that could satisfy us both? • How could we think of this differently to create other results? The simplicity of this model is that whenever the conversation starts going badly you simply need to shift back to the previous stage of the model or jump back in to the gather phase. For example, let’s say that you are starting to tell the person what you want and she starts criticizing you for the way you went after your wants earlier. Simply return to the own part of the conversation and apologize for anything you genuinely feel you could have done better. Or simply jump back in the gather phase and ask questions about the other person’s perspective on it and how she felt at the time. Then flow through the rest of the model. Very few conversations cannot be resolved by following this simplistic process. However, this process requires that you demonstrate the self-control and discipline of a top performer. There are many lessons on the path to becoming a top performer in dealing with conflict. We don’t know where you fall on

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that path. But we do know that you are likely further along than most. After all, if you are reading this paragraph you have invested the time to read this book. That is what top performers do. They invest time in growing themselves and continually look for ways to reach the next level. As we end with our final coaching challenges, we encourage you to lead your organization in having passionate, effective, and respectful conflict to produce a topperforming team that produces incredible results and impacts the world. Figure 8.2: Coaching and Application The top performer balance wheel

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Answer the following questions honestly to match your current habits to those of a top performer. Within each of the following eight areas in figure 8.2, circle the number that best represents your level of satisfaction in that area of your life (7 = completely satisfied; 1 = completely dissatisfied). Now, connect the dots. The rounder and more expansive the wheel, the more you demonstrate the emotional and intellectual tendencies of a top performer. Write down below any steps you would like to take to improve in any of these areas:

Walk through the five steps Think of a current difficult conversation that you need to have. Fill in the questions in the boxes in figure 8.3 to help prepare for that conversation. While you will not be able to complete all of this without having the conversation, complete the parts you can in order to prepare. Visualize the meeting going well and take that positive energy to the conversation. Make sure you verbalize your desire for the conversation to go well and reflect back what you hear from the other person frequently. Also remember to step back to the previous stage of the conversation model or to gathering if you get any resistance. Discipline yourself to use the model and always encourage yourself to be a top performer.

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Figure 8.3: The Conflict Conversation

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Bibliography Allred, Keith G. Anger and Retaliation in Conflict: The Role of Attribution. In The Handbook of Conflict Resolution: Theory and Practice. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers, 2000. Brinkman, Rick and Rick Kirschner. Dealing with People You Can’t Stand. How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst. New York: McGraw Hill, 1994. Covey, Stephen. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Powerful Lessons in Personal Change. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1989. Daniel, Dana.

Conflict Resolution: Mediation Tools for Everyday

Worklife. McGraw-Hill, 2001. Deutsch, Morton and Peter T. Coleman. The Handbook of Conflict Resolution: Theory and Practice. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers, 2000. Edwards, Bob. Friday’s with Red. A Radio Friendship. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1993. Eisenhardt, Kathleen M, Jean Kahwajy, and L. J. Bourgeois. Conflict and Strategic Choice: How Top Management Teams Disagree. California Management Review; Winter 97, Vol. 39 Issue 2. Frankl, Victor. Man’s Search for Meaning. Washington Square Press, a division of Simon & Schuster Inc. New York. 1985. Gardenswartz, Lee and Anita Rowe. Cross Cultural Awareness: Effective Mangers Can Recognize and Adapt to Different Work Styles and Cultures. HR Magazine. March 2001; Vol. 46, No 3. Goulston, Mark. Recognize and Overcome Self-Defeating Behaviors in Yourself and Others. HR Magazine. October, 2005; Vol. 50, No. 10.


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Graham Scott, Gini. Work with Me! Resolving Conflict in Your Organization. Palo Alto, Calif.: Davies-Black Publishing, 2000. Jackson, Phil and Hugh Delehanty. Sacred Hoops. New York: Hyperion, 1995. Kahn, Roger. The Boys of Summer. New York: Harper & Row Publishers, 1972. Kennedy, Robert F. Thirteen Days. A Memoir of the Cuban Missile Crisis. New York: W.W. Norton & Company, 1969. Kushner, Harold. When Bad Things Happen to Good People. New York: Schocken Books, 1981. Mage, Gene. Leading Despite Your Boss. HR Magazine. September, 2003. Vol. 48 No. 9. McNeil, Donald G., Jr. A Rare and Stubborn Pestilence: Superstition and Poverty Keep Guinea Worm a Threat. The New York Times International Herald Tribune, March 27, 2006. Moore, C. W. and Kressel, Kenneth (contributor). The Mediation Process. Hoboken, NJ: Jossy-Bass, 2003. Palmer, Parker. Let Your Life Speak. Listening for the Voice of Vocation. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers, 2000. Patterson, Kerry, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler. Crucial Conversations. Tools for Talking When the Stakes are High. New York: McGraw Hill, 2002. Patterson, Kerry, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler. The Balancing Act. Cincinnati: Thomson Executive Press, 1996. Pneuman, Roy W. and Margaret E. Bruehl. Managing Conflict: A Complete Process-centered Handbook. Englewood Cliffs, N.J.: Prentice-Hall, Inc., 1982.

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Power, Paul. Leadership for Tomorrow: Once More, with Feeling. Mt Eliza Business Review. Summer/Autumn 2003. Rogers, Carl. On Becoming a Person. New York: Houghton Mifflin, 1961. Rubin, J. Z., D. G. Pruitt and S. H. Kim. Social Conflict: Escalation, Stalemate, and Settlement (2nd ed.). New York: McGraw-Hill, 1994. Steves, Rick. Rick Steves Italy 2005. Emeryville, Calif.: Avalon Travel Publishing, 2005. Stoltz, Paul. Adversity Quotient @ Work. Make Everyday Challenges the Key to Your Success. New York: Harper Collins Publishers, 1997. Stone, Douglas, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen. Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. New York: Penguin Putnam, Inc., 1999. Story, Mark. Pee Wee’s other Defining Moment. Herald Leader, October 5, 2005. Thompson, Leigh and Janice Nadler. Judgmental Biases in Conflict and How to Overcome Them. In The Handbook of Conflict Resolution: Theory and Practice. San Francisco: JosseyBass Publishers, 2000. Tyler, Kathryn. Extending the Olive Branch, HR Magazine, November 2002. Vol. 47 No. 11. Waldroop, James and Timothy Butler. The 12 Bad Habits That Hold Good People Back. New York: Currency/Doubleday, 2001. Weber, Richard C. The Group: A Cycle from Birth to Death. Bethel Maine: National Training Laboratory Reading Book for Human Relations Training, 1982.

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Inde x A–D Actor-observer bias, 34–35 Adversity choice, impact, 67–68 impact. See Competition; Opportunity; Resolve overcoming, 63 coaching/application, 70–74 real-life conflict, 63–64 top performer knowledge, 64–70 Assumptions, examination, 41–42 Attribution error. See Fundamental attribution error Behavioral differences, 19 Bias, examination, 72–74 Bibliography, 117–119 Bosses, difficulty, 55–57 interaction, 61–62 Bridging, usefulness, 85 Choices consequences. See Unwise choices impact. See Adversity making, 29. See also Wise choices decisions, 31–32 Chronically negative employees, 48–51 interaction, 57–60 Coachable moments, 102–103 discovery, 92 Coaching. See Conflict; Managing/mentoring/coaching Communication, quality (absence), 20 Compensation. See Nonspecific compensation Competition (situations), adversity (impact), 67 Conflict. See Real-life conflict avoidance determination, 12–13 impact. See Productivity timing, 32–33 coaching, 98–102 conversation, 110, 116 cost. See Negative conflict coaching/application, 10–13 estimation, 10–11 facing decision, making, 37 timing, 32–33 impact. See Top performance inevitability, 2–4 integrity, impact, 109–110 knowledge, 1 management, 96

mediation, 93–94 mentoring, 97–98 people, judgments, 33–35 positive role, 13 preparation, 37–38 reasons, 19–22 resolution, 38–39 top performer knowledge, 2–10 Conflict recognition, 29 coaching/application, 41–43 problem, discussion, 35–39 real-life conflict, 29–30 top performer knowledge, 30–40 Conflict source, 15 coaching/application, 24–28 determination, 24–25. See also Unresolved conflict individual factors, 17 interactional issues, 17–18 list, 16–18 consolidation, 23–24 organizational conditions, 18 organizational factors, 23 people issues, 23–24 real-life conflict, 15–16 structure, impact, 18–19 top performer knowledge, 16–24 Conversations change, occurrence, 110–111–115 examples, 36–39 Coworkers, training, 69 Culture, role, 22 Delegation, importance, 69 Direct costs. See Negative conflict E–G Effectiveness, conditions (creation), 53–55 Emotional intelligence, impact. See Teams Emotions. See Secondary emotions Employees. See Chronically negative employees aggressiveness, 48 follow-up, 50 interaction. See Underperforming employees problem, identification, 49–50 standards/consequences, setting, 50 termination, 51 training, 69 verbal warning, 50 written warning, 50–51 Empowerment, importance, 91


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Index

Expectations reestablishment. See Performance role, 56–57 Fundamental attribution error, 33–34 Gather, stage, 111 Goals, conflict, 18–19 Group analysis, 86–87 Grows conflict conversation method, 105 real-life conflict, 105–106 top performer knowledge, 106–116 I–O Inner world, care, 69–70 Integrity, impact. See Conflict Interactions, ability, 75 coaching/application, 76–78 real-life conflict, 75–76 top performer knowledge, 76–85 Interactions, infrequency, 19 Interdependence, role, 18 Interests, conflict. See Positions Irrational thinking/perspectives, 22 Listening, quality (absence), 20 Logrolling, usefulness, 85 Managers, interaction. See Subordinates/peers/managers Managing/mentoring/coaching, 89. See also Conflict coaching/application, 102–104 decisions, 103–104 differences, 95–96 real-life conflict, 89–91 top performer knowledge, 91–102 Mentoring. See Conflict; Managing/mentoring/coaching Negative conflict cost, 5–8 direct costs, 7–8 Nonspecific compensation, usefulness, 85 Opportunity (creation), adversity (impact), 67 Organizational conditions. See Conflict source Own, stage, 112 P–S Peers, interaction. See Subordinates/peers/managers People difficulty, perspective (examination), 56–57 dynamics, 17–18 issues. See Conflict source judgments. See Conflict Performance expectations, reestablishment, 53–55 issues, identification, 52 Positions, interests (conflict), 20–21

Positive conflict, impact. See Top performance Productivity cost, 6–7 decrease, conflict avoidance (impact), 4–5 Real-life conflict, 1–2 Reflect, stage, 111–112 Relationship management, 80–81 Resolve (strengthening), adversity (impact), 65–66 Resources, expansion, 84–85 Risk, selection, 30–31 Safety, selection, 30–31 Secondary emotions, 20 Self-awareness focus, 92–93 importance, 77–78 Self-blockage, 70–72 Self-coaching, 92–93 Self-defeating behaviors, 70–72 Selfishness, 21 Self-management, importance, 78–79 Social awareness, 79–80 Strategize, stage, 113–115 Strength, building, 63 Subordinates, training, 69 Subordinates/peers/managers, interaction, 45 coaching/application, 57–62 real-life conflict, 45–47 top performer knowledge, 47–57 T–W Teams cohesion, creation, 81–84 stages, 81–82 success, emotional intelligence (impact), 76–80 Time, loss, 6–7 Top performance, positive conflict (impact), 8–10 Top performer balance wheel, 114 soul, 106–109 Training, importance, 69 Underperforming employees, interaction, 51–55 facts, 51–52 Unresolved conflict, source (determination), 25–27 Unwise choices, consequences, 39–40 Verbal warning. See Employees Want, stage, 112–113 Win-win solutions creation, 95 development, 84–85 coaching/application, 86–87 Wise choices, making, 42–43 Written warning. See Employees

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About the Authors Tim Ursiny, PhD, CBC, RCC Tim Ursiny is the CEO of Advantage Coaching & Training. He is a coach/trainer who specializes in helping people reach peak performance, great relationships, and personal satisfaction. Dr. Tim regularly speaks for Fortune 500 companies that want workshops that are practical yet entertaining. He also coaches CEOs, executives, sales professionals, and others on a variety of subjects related to performance and life satisfaction. Dr. Tim’s previous books include Coaching the Sale, The Confidence Plan, The Top Performer’s Guide to Change, The Coach’s Handbook, and The Coward’s Guide to Conflict, which is currently in its fourth printing and has been translated into several foreign languages. He lives in Wheaton, Illinois, with his wife, Marla, and his three sons, Zach, Colton, and Vance. Dr. Tim can be reached at [email protected].

Dave Bolz Dave Bolz is a human resource professional with more than twenty years of experience with public and private organizations, including Morgan Stanley, Exelon, and the Village of Park Forest, Illinois. He helps managers and executives deal more effectively with conflict, employee relations, change management, career development, and diversity issues. Dave earned his master’s degree in public administration from Indiana University. He lives in Exton, Pennsylvania, with his wife, Melissa, and children, Elizabeth and Robert.

Conflict_TPC_fullcover

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Don’t avoid conflict...

N

obody likes conflict, but you can’t avoid it. Top performers just like you face these issues every day. If you know how to deal with conflict well, you can turn it into your biggest opportunity for success. The Top Performer’s Guide to Conflict is your essential conflict handbook, giving you the tools you need to manage change and come out on top. • Face conflict head-on • Resolve issues quickly • Anticipate problems early • Take charge in any situation

Top Performer’s Guide

take advantage of it

the

The

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to

• Become an office leader

UPC

www.sourcebooks.com

conflict

Top performers face conflict head-on and come out on top. You are just a short read away from mastering this essential skill.

Ursiny Bolz

conflict Essential Skills That Put You On Top Tim Ursiny, Ph.D. and Dave Bolz

The Top Performer's Guide to Conflict

The Top Performers Guide to Change (Top Performers Guides)

The Top Performer's Guide to Leadership (Top Performers)

The Top Performer's Guide to Leadership (Top Performers)