The Secret of Happy Children: Steve Biddulph's Best-selling Parents' Guide

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Lisa Gough

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Steve Biddulph's worldwide bestseller in a new edition full of humour, warmth, and practical help

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9803 3908

f,ontents Txe sronv

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Fonewono Seeds in the mind You hypnotise your chddren every single You may as well do it properly!

day.

26

What children really want

Itt

cheaper than video games, and healthier than ice-cream!

43

Curing by listening How to help children deal with an unkind world.

50

Kids and emotions What is really going on?

The assertive parent Firmness. Do it - now.

68

Family shape

83

Dad?Who's Dad?

97

Ages and stages Do you mean this is normal?

Energy and how to save Good news

-

111

it

your children need you healthy and happy.

'120

Appendix How you can help if you're a teacheq a grandparent, neighbour or friend.

a politician,

Rrreneruces

136

Funrrrn

137

tNFoRMATtoN

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You hvpnotise Your children

every siriile day. i'ou "rn-ay as well do it ProPerlY!

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It',s').'rlork,rl rriglrt.rrrtl I'nr sittrrrg rrr rrry.llitc wrtlr,r tt..rrlirl lrliccrr-yc.rr.olrl girl. Slrc wc:rrs rrr;rkt'-rr1r :rntl is tlrt.ssctl irr fushioulbler, olclcr-thln-hcrr-ycars clotlrcs, brrt

thc cflcct is only ttlrcr tirres thc best way is to be casual, i'cicrental, ,,, ti-,.t thcy takc

in infbrnration easily and naturally. It's anrazing how many opportunities occur to positively progralll your children.

In discipline situations:

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'fips include: dont use praise to steamroller over a child's doubts ,rr fears. Do listen to them. Don't gush. Choose your times, and rrrcan it.

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When they are having a tough time:

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If its not true, dont pretend. Se*ds

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Tnn wAY YOU sAY lr' POSITIVE IOTOn-DING MAKES (;()MI'ET'ENT KIDS Itls rrot only praise or put*down,s that dcterntinc I chilcl'-s lcvel fi

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l1r, : ;; *- ;; ; ;;; ;: il;:t_ ;: :JT'f; cerrainly high achievers,,ur sorn e by oddballs! one family th.ugh ,,rr,r "irrfrrr.i"frr, r,.u-*" lbr the and bala'ce of their kids.All A* a"ugl,r"r, ,n"*r"g fiom 'aruralness eight ro sixreen were friendly, relaxed, u.ry ,lo*i*r., _"r.*r, and yet advanced in their skrlrsThe ui*r."o-f"rn-"r.i r.r tlrro"..' ";rr";;;;;; iliri"rn,, skipped pri'rary scho.l (ar her ,.r.tr..'r-rrrgil;"_ ;'; orririJi n"o been quite hrppy lirr her ," *"j.-;;"'r"u, ,ro* cloing doctoral research int. spi'al cell clamagJ. Asked how they had raised such genius kids, the flthc'r saicl 'It c.utdn't t; ;.".";] t'n*."iiri ,n. sperm bank krrocking ()n nrr/ .t.,,,-r, ro--l ,,'ai",,v rr i;,;:,, il.,TJ,i: l" i; x,l ' explained thar as she vacuu'red the il;;;, for example, she wou'l tell thc baby she was car-rying ," h;;;rck ahout w'at she was doi'g, that tht, n.i5e, w35 ,"ri. t,y cleaner, which was electrical an, nrrnecl ,r*ry ar,, that the air it blew through rnade a lor of noise, ; ;;...'-o'e coulcl i'ragine. her ""d '

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illanner treing cheerlirl and nattrrar * rrot rsh', giving rr.r,", t..ru;:.' :*r.ln, ;,.,; ,::Ttltttr,lrrr mteresting!'' If y.u find car trips .r shopping wirh rittre ch'rJre' rather boring at times, th.n p"rhrp, ,rro i[a of'chartcr *ill ,,,.k:t;i rnore fun for both of you. In our fanrily we've gone onto the next problcln l)ow _ how to

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Wtrcrt doittlE thiugs witlr your chilclren' $olll* sirnple rulcs apply:

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II( )N'T NXPNCT TO ACTUAIIY ACHTEVE ANYTHINc! tirpecially with cmall children (like going to the post office) the grul is rro longer the goal. For cxample * if you are teeching them ,., ur. ,"r.i"driu.f yoo won't get the door hung in a great " lrtrrry. So let go of that one'They'll wander offin a while and you

morning and ten _inur.r";;;;,:-, back. Untes;;,,_:lly minutes there and Unless you rook,n;-.-r-l;_'Jlf took ,.r, thi1k. li_ke adults-*" the, d; ;"'.;;#'rnY:-r.":-old kids do nor

goars'.

rhey don,t

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1,.,. but. Each step or,ir. *":ri-1._, l_"r,hg the subject of intense negodationst 't *"rrrr" play inna nr.ur., ,^r,r-'.5e \Jnce, out of dedic,alol

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FEEL

I{ELAXED ABOUT Their help in planting out spring seedlinp will not glve ),ou an immarulate girdtrr'You 'have to decide what you axe doing berng r,vrth your kids" or gctting the job done to

-

your usual standards. If you try io do both you will expCrience a iittle frusmation. Settle for qveeping W soflre of the leaves,but mainly having fun together.Thar way they rryrll qee'gardening with Dadlas a fun activiry and ten years later will volunte-er to mow the lCwn!

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fathers. Somethins

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Ilut not when I,m writing on the cornputer! In conclusion _ falher you need to decide moment ro noment what is

-.r.":--1 .::i::i""T; kids,and,";;;;';,'lo"T$:J"ril,";J#'Jii::f, down, and while slowed

down,,*, ;;;;r"Orr.ou.r little pleas#s,

which is the gift they bring.Ti_.

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How to hnl1uilfrj1yfi|;lfrfe.el with

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Vrrrt r lrrlrl rs ul)sct. Sornt'tlrrrrg lr;rs grtrrt' wr()nH ut srlrool or witlr :rttotltct- t lrilrl or :rtltrl(, urrrl yotr rlorr't krrow Irow to lrc:lp.Vru would likc your chilcl to frnd a way of dealing with the protrlem so he or slre will be less vulnerable.This chapter will show you how to help. The world is sometimes an unfair and difficult place for kids and, much as we would like to, we parents can't smooth out all the bumps. In fact, we shouldnt, since it's through dealing with difficult people and situations that our children become mature and

I lirtracting ^t llr wcll, tre,vcr

tltilltl L-t's go lncl PlaY cricl

independent adults.

We'll look firstly at what not to say to kids when life is treating them badly:the kinds of statements that can put a wall between you and your child. Then you'll learn of a remarkable skill called 'active listening', which parents are finding is the most positive way they can help kids deal with life. Since we are their'safe harbour', children often bring problems to us to see if we can help. The way that we react to these calls for help will either open up greater trust or put up a barrier that will be hard to take down. There are three ways that parents typically react, that cause the barriers to go up:

the rescue' or give wise advice' Which is your style? Do you rush to change the subject? these three styles' Let's take a closer look at each of

Patronising

'*o* *"'rlour

Patronising 'Oh, you poor thing Here, let me fix it for you.'

daY?'

and tell me all about Poot thing come

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couldnt keep up'' 'Wb hed this new teacher for matlu'And.I ''Well,

he$ you with the thatt really a*ru no you want m: to

work aftet tea?'

'I didnt bring it home''

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the

botom of things before it

gets

and talk 'Perhaps tr could ring the school tomorrolt/

Lecturing

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''Well, you are stupid to have got into this mess, so I'11 tell you what to do. Now,listen

carefully to me ...'

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Thry

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worse' don:t You?' Well, err

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mmrn'' want vour educatton to suffer''

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\,,,rr'll rrotirt.in.rll tltt.'c t'xrttltplt's tllc s;llll('tlllllg lt'tPPcrrs: tltc tlrc t()llv('tsiltl()ll st()l)s [)l'Ctty s99ll; (ltt' 1,,1(.1t tIr1s lrll tlrr.t;rlkrlrg; ,lrrlrl tkrr.srr't g('t t() trtlk ovcr tlrc rcll problcttr''l'hc clrrlclls ti'clirlgs proble'l - or thirrks 6c pir.( lrst rrl,rrgiS" *"y; t5e pare't'solves't6e

'l-low was ylt' carl eat just as much, but by changing WHEN they cat it, tlrcy'll find that this will reduce weight problerns. Wc suggest that yor.r expcrimclrt. (iivc yottr childrcrr pn)trrrr {irocls srrc:lr irs ('!{ls, cgg".llips, lllr:nt or flsh with tlrcir lrrt:nklltst c;rt lr

day for two weeks. (If they complain they arent hungry at breakfast

time, give rhem less for dinner the night beforel) S*. f", yourself how much more settled and happy they are at horne and school.

3.AVOID'QUICK BURNOUT'FOODS. Sog*,

and refined su$ry foods have a remarkably unpleasant effect on kids'behavioor. tut*1,

children have simply too much energy minutes after eadng such rapid release foodr. They L'ecome edgy, hyperactive, and jusi plain naughry. Blood tests show that his energy release p.ak, errly, "nd the childt blood sugru drops berow where ir started, as the body struggles to cope. Thus children haye a mid-morning sag, where they cannot concentrate, and become lary and unfocused. 4. AVOID CHEMICAL$, DYES AND PRESERVATIVES. Additives and dyes in foods have comprex and individuar effects. As weil as observing what your child reacts to, some foods are generally a problem for almost every child.The need t' reduce sugar has alreadv been rnentioned especially at breakfast and lunchtime. Tatrazine @102) which is found in yeflow*dyed foods can cause violent hours of hyperactiviry in children. phosphates (found in processed foods such ar hot dop, commercial hamburgers, processed cheese, in$ranr soup and roppinp) are also strongly implicated. The simplest and most effective thing you can do is feed your kids good food earlier in the dry ,l'th.y just won,t g., ., hungry for jun-k. Likewise, if your child is going to a parry where the parents are still living in the r950s diet-wise (soft drinks, cakes, ice*cream and lollies!), then feed your kids up before rhey go * and minimise rhe damagel

Don't get into big power srruggles with food. Just limit the will do ihe trickl And

choices to more nutritious food, and hunger have some leeway for fun foods occasionally.

If you're a primary school teacher:

FIow to counteract negative programming in the children you teach By the time a child gets to kindergarten you will be able to recognise'negative programming' very clearly.' Here are the main indicators:

. '

a child who hangs back from other children, looks sad or agitated and does not respond to overtures of friendship from other children; a child who joins in but, when presented with a learning task or activiry will not try it and looks fear l or distracted if approached on a one-to_one basis;

' a child who hits out at other children and

reacts inappropriately when spoken to (for example, by laughing when chastised) and does not seem to have positive exchanges with other children.

You may have children in your class who fall into one of these three categories, or you may find children with a combination of the three. For the sake of simpliciry let's look at them one at a time.

The sad and lonely child

It is mosr usefirl to regard this kind of child as having missed out on affecrion and on being valued and affirmed in the .""rr, ;;, of life (0-2 years). He needs positive messages that are not tied to

performance but are simply strokes for'being', such as ,Hello Eric, nice see you'. A friendly touch or hug with the child, being carefirl not to rnake him seem different from thi others, arso provide, i."rrrrorr"..

t'

spread out over some days *ekr, shourd result fuch.strltegies, the child visibly relaxing and loosening up"ri in the class-room t'en beginning to initiate contacts with you showing you and work, rrnililrg at you as you scan the room, speaking to you, orr. ".rd"ro

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The self-critical child who won't give things a try 'l'lris child rrruy huvc hrrrl hr.r'eecls rrrct i'tlre t:arly part.f Irrr llce rr srrbj.t tctl t. vc-rh'rr Prrt.tl'wrrs t,rrrsistcrrtiy sirt.r.

lift,tr.t slrt. w:rs

old enough to listen (which was, of course, very young).The pattern tends to occur a lot where a mother has a second b"by and shifts to being verbally critical of the first child. Many parents, especially when they themselves are having a tough time, will put their children down as a matter of course, almost every time they speak to them. The children from such situations (probably at least one in ten children) will actually say things like 'I'm stupid', 'I can't' or 'I'm a dumb-dumb' if asked why they wont attempt some new task. The remedy will be obvious to you: give positive affirmations very consistently to these children. Ideally, give positive messages both for performance and for just being. For example,'You did that really well','I like your ideas for paintings', as well as'It's nice to see you this morning!'or just plain'He11o'. Dont gush though - make quiet, understated comments which they can tolerate. You will have to make sure that you avoid using put-downs with the child (who may actually invite them) and that you use assertive slatements rather than'you'statements to control the child. For example, use'Go and get your bag now!'instead of'You're so forgetful, Anna'. For really lasting impact, though, the child's parents will need some help, too.You will probably find, if they come to the school, that they are tired, overworked and possibly resentful and defensivc. Your best approach would be a casual and friendly chat beforc broaching the problem, rather than a'Your kid is a problem' fullfrontal attack! You can simply explain that you have noticed their child's selfesteem is low and he or she may be sensitive to put-downs and be irr need of more praise. Parents of kids in this category will be the ones most helped by reading this book.You could lend them a copy!

The child who is aggressive towards other kids and sarcastic to you I

saved this one

till last!This child can be best understood

as hrvrrrpq

been fully hooked on a'negative' culture, being both hancllc:t-l itt ;ttt aggressive way and shown by exanrple only ttcg:ttivc wltys ol rclrrting. lt is vcry likcly that thc: