The Reality of Being: The Fourth Way of Gurdjieff

J e a n n e in S a i / m a n n

th e R e a lity

of B ein g

T h e Fourth Way o f G urdjieff

A N o s t a l g i a fo r B e i n g

M a n r e m a in s a m y s t e r y to h im s e lf. H e h a s a n o s ta lg ia fo r B e in g , a lo n g in g fo r d u ra tio n , fo r p e rm a n e n c e , fo r a b so lu te n e ss— a lo n g in g to be. Y e t e v e r y t h in g th a t c o n s titu te s h is life is te m p o r a ry , e p h e m e ra l, lim ite d . H e a sp ire s to a n o th e r o rd er, a n o th e r life , a w o r ld th a t is b ey o n d h im . H e se n ses th a t he is m e a n t to p a r tic ip a te in it. H e se a rch e s fo r an idea, an in s p ira tio n , th a t c o u ld m o v e h im in th is d ire c tio n . It a ris e s as a q u e stio n : “W h o a m I— w h o a m I in th is w o r ld ? ” I f th is q u e stio n b e c o m e s s u ffic ie n tly a liv e , it c o u ld d ir e c t th e c o u r s e o f h is life. H e c a n n o t a n sw er. H e h as n o t h in g w it h w h ich to a n s w e r — n o k n o w le d g e o f h im s e lf to fa ce th is q u e s tio n , n o k n o w le d g e o f h is o w n . B u t he feels h e m u st w e lc o m e it. H e a sk s h im s e lf w h a t h e is. T h i s is th e first step on th e w ay. H e w a n ts to o p e n h is eyes. H e w a n ts to w a k e up, to aw a k en .

S h a m b h a la Boston & London

ased

B

on

n o t e b o o k s k e p t b y G . I.

G urdjieff’s closest follower, this book

offers new insight on his spiritual teach­ ing— a way o f gnosis or “knowledge o f be­ ing” passed on from remote antiquity. It is a complete and uniquely authoritative guide to the great teacher’s ideas and to his meth­ ods for liberating ourselves from the state o f “waking sleep” in which most o f us live our lives. G urdjieff respected traditional religious practices, which he regarded as falling into three general categories or “ways”: the Way o f the Fakir, related to m astery o f the physi­ cal body; the Way o f the Monk, based on faith and feeling; and the Way o f the Yogi, which focuses on development o f the mind. He presented his teaching as a Fourth Way that integrated these three aspects into a single path o f self-knowledge. Progress in the Fourth W ay comes through conscious effort toward a quality o f thinking and feel­ ing that brings a new capacity to see clearly and to love.

J E A N N E D E S A L Z M A N N w a s b o rn in 1889 in R e i m s , F r a n c e , and raised in G e n e v a , S w itz e r l a n d , S h e m a rried

A le x a n d r e

de

S a lzm a n n , a w e ll-k n o w n R u ssian painter, in 1911 and re tu rn e d to h is h o m e in T iflis in the C a u ca su s m o u n ta in r e g io n o f so u th ­ ern R u ssia. S h e m et G u r d jie ff in 1919 in T iflis, becam e co m m itte d to his w o rk , and rem ain ed c lo se to h im u n til his d eath in P aris th ir ty y e a rs later. B efore he died G u r d jie ff c h a rg e d M in e, de S a lzm a n n to liv e to be “o v e r 100” in o rd e r to esta b lish his te a ch in g . H e le ft h er all his r ig h ts w ith re sp e ct to his w r itin g s and d an ce e x e r c is e s ca lled th e “M o v e m e n ts.” D u r in g th e n e x t fo r ty y e a rs sh e a rra n g e d fo r p u b licatio n o f his b o o k s and p r e s e rv a ­ tio n o f th e M o v e m e n ts, and esta b lish ed G u r d jie ff c e n te rs to p ra c tice th e te a c h in g in Paris, N e w Y o rk , and L o n d o n , as w e ll as C a ra ca s, V en ezu e la . M m e . de S a lzm a n n died at th e a g e o f 101 in Piiris in 1 9 9 0 .

S

hambhala

P

ublicatio ns

, In c .

H orticu ltu ral Hall

3 00 M assach u setts Avenue Boston, M assach u setts 0 2 115 w w w .sham bhala.com

T h e R e a l i t y of B e i n g The Fourth Way o f Gurdjieff

Jeanne de Salzmann

SH AM BH ALA Boston London 2010

Shambhala Publications, Inc. H orticultural Hall 300 M assachusetts Avenue Boston, M assachusetts 02115 w w w .sham bhala.com © 2010 by the heirs o f Jeanne de Salzmann A ll rights reserved. N o part o f this b o o k m ay be reproduced in any form or b y any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, w ith o u t permission in w ritin g from the publisher.

9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

First Edition Printed in the United States o f Am erica © This edition is printed on acid-free paper that meets the Am erican National Standards Institute Z39.48 Standard, This b o o k w as printed on 30% postconsum er recycled paper. For m ore inform ation please visit w w w .sham bhala.com . D istributed in the United States by Random H ouse, Inc., and in Canada by R andom H ouse o f Canada Ltd Library o f Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Salzm ann, M adam e de (Jeanne), i 889?- i 99 o . T h e reality o f being: to live the Fourth W ay o f G urdjieff / Jeanne de Salzm ann.— 1st ed. p.

cm.

Includes index. is b n

978-1-59030-815-8 (hardcover: alk. paper)

. Gurdjieff, G eorges Ivanovitch, 1872-1949. 3. Spiritual life.

2. Fourth W ay (Occultism)

I. Title.

BP605.G92S36

2010

299 ' 93— dc22 2010006464

Contents

Foreword

xiii

Introduction

i

I. A CALL TO CONSCIOUSNESS I Am Asleep

7

9

1. A nostalgia for B ein g 2. T h e life force

9

3. I do n o t k n o w m y s e lf 4. "I” am not here To Remember Oneself

9

11

13 15

5. W h ere o u r attention is 6. T h e first initiation

15

16

7. C an w e b eco m e conscious? 8. T h e w atch m an The Need to Know

18

20

22

9. N e w kn o w led ge is necessary 10. Self-observation

23

11. C o n sciou s effort

25

22

12. T h e sacred m anifests as inner consciousness

II. OPENING TO PRESENCE In a Passive State

29

31

13. M y functions are passive

31

14. I need im pressions o f m y se lf

33

27

Contents

vi

15. H yp n o tized b y m y m ind 16. W h a t is up to m e

36

An Experience o f Presence

39

34

17. T h e awareness o f "bein g h ere” 18. C o n sciou s o f inner bein g 19. A n ech o o f “I" 20. T w o currents

42 44

A Movement o f Availability

46

21. A n ew w a y o f fu n ctio n in g

46

22. A w aken in g to a n ew force

47

23. T h e attitude w e take 24. C o m in g tog eth er

III.

49

51

IN A C O M M O N D I R E C T I O N

A Free Thought

39

41

53

55

25. T h e fu n ctio n in g o f the m ind 26. N o t k n o w in g

55

56

27. A n e w th in kin g

58

28. B eyond o u r usual consciousness An Inner Sensation

60

62

29. A n instrum ent o f contact

62

30. O b ey in g the attraction o f the earth 31. A global sensation

65

32. T o b e spiritualized

67

A New Feeling

69

33. I blindly trust m y feelings 34. Feeling allow s relation 35. I feel “I am ”

70

72

36. Love o f b ein g

IV.

69

74

77

T H E W O R K T O BE P R E S E N T

In a Quiet State

79

37. A w a y o f understanding 38. Each day

81

79

64

Contents 39. T h e w a y up

v ii

82

40. A n exercise is a tem p o ra ry aid In the Activity o f Life

87

41. O n ly in everyday life

87

42. T h e source o f m anifestation 43. A m easure from above 44. T h e w a y d ow n Staying in Front

89

90

92

94

45. T o "k n o w m y s e lf”

94

46. O n ly contact, only relation 47. T h e stru ggle for bein g 48. Playing a role

V.

84

W ITH OTHERS

A Special Current

96

97

99

103 105

49. W e say w e are “in the W o rk ” 50. W h y together? 51. T o organize

105

106

108

52. A school o f the Fourth W ay Exchange in a Group

no

113

53. A special condition for exchange 54. I need to speak 55. Real exchange 56. This fo rm

116

118

Work in Movements 57. A double aim

120 120

58. W h y M ovem ents?

122

59. Part o f the teaching

124

60. O n ly w ith a stable P resence

VI.

T O BE C E N T E R E D

A Sense o f the Whole

113

115

126

129 131

61. T h e aim o f m y effort

131

62. T h e first feeling o f u n ity

133

63. C en tered th rou gh consciousness

135

An Inner Center o f Gravity

137

64. O u r vital cen ter

137

65. Situating the center o f g ra vity 66. B ecom in g second nature 67. M y tru e fo rm Breathing

138

140

142

145

68. A n im perceptible current 69. Stages o f breathin g

145

146

70. I live in m y breath in g

148

71. W ith o u t fear o f losing m y se lf

VII.

W H O A M I?

Ego and Illusion

153

155

72. T h e im agin ation o f m y se lf 73. Ferocious egotism

Toward the Unknown

159

162

75. I do n o t k n o w

162

76. T h e resonance o f “I am ”

163

165

78. Inner solitude My True Nature

155

157

74. Free o f fear and illusion

77. Silence

149

167

170

79. A veil over m y reality 80. W h a t I really am 81. W h o am I?

170

172

173

82. M y tru e nature is consciousness

VIII.

177

T O W A R D A N E W BEING

My Being Is W hat I Am

174

179

83. C an b ein g change?

179

84. T h e intensity m ust increase 85. D egrees o f the octave

181

183

86. First and secon d conscious shocks

184

Contents A Collected State

ix

187

87. Repeat, repeat

187

88. M y th o u g h t does n o t w an d er 89. I feel, I sense, I w a tch 90. H o w do I listen? From Another Level

189

190

192

194

91. A m ore intense en erg y appears 92. Exercise o f divided attention 93. M y b o d y needs to open 94. A cosm ic scale

IX.

194

197

198

IN A S T A T E O F U N I T Y

The Act o f Seeing

201

203

95. A n o th er vision

203

96. Seeing is an act

205

97. Beyond m y usual perception 98. T h e m ost im portan t thin g Conscious Sensation

210

99. Life is in m e

210

100. A n inner stillness

213

102. In a quiet b o d y I breathe in

Voluntary Attention

206 208

212

101. A conscious posture

215

2 17

103. T h e feelin g o f lack 104. O bed ien ce and w ill

217 219

105. D evelop in g conscious force

X.

194

220

A P R E S E N C E W I T H ITS O W N LIFE

A Pure Energy

223

225

106. A particle o f the highest

225

107. Feeling this Presence as alive

227

108. From a h igher part o f the m ind 109. T o b eco m e a vessel

229

228

Contents

X

A Body o f Energy

232

n o . This im m aterial Presence in m e h i.

A m ass o f en erg y

234

112. A n exercise for openin g 113. T h e substance o f "I” Voluntary Suffering

235

236

238

114. To stay in front

238

115. I m ust live the insufficiency 116. C o n sciou s stru ggle

XI.

232

241

T H E E SSE N TIA L BEING

Recognizing a False Attitude 117. Stages o f w o r k

240

245 247

247

118. A flagran t contrad iction

248

119. T h e affirm ation o f m y s e lf

250

120. M y attitude expresses w h at I am A Reality in Me

254

121. A w h o lly different vibratio n 122. Sincerity 123. Faith

252

254

256

257

124. R em orse o f conscience The Emergence o f “I ”

259

261

125. T h e extraordinary im pression o f existing 126. T h e death o f m y ordinary “I” 127. I see reality

264

128. T h e radiance o f P resence

XII.

T O LIVE T H E T E A C H IN G

Creative Action

266

269

271

129. "I am ” in m ovem en t

271

130. T h e m iracu lou s in action

272

131. Effective th ro u gh b ein g

274

132. Som eth in g entirely n e w

275

262

261

Contents An Attitude o f Vigilance

278

133. M editation is not co n tem plation 134. O p en in g w ith o u t fear

279

135. W atchfulness is o u r real aim 136. A lo o k from A bove A New Way o f Being

285

287

139. L ivin g tw o lives

289

140. T o k n o w m eans to Be

Biographical Note Gurdjieff Centers Index

303

295 301

281

283

137. I m ust live the lack o f relation 138. C on scien ce

278

291

285

Foreword

G

eorge

Iv

a n o v it c h

G

u rdjieff

( 1 8 6 6 -1 9 4 9 ) regarded kn o w l­

edge o f reality— w h at he called true “k n o w led ge o f bein g ”— as a stream flo w in g from rem ote antiquity, passed on from age to age, from people to people, from race to race. H e view ed this kn o w led ge as the indis­ pensable m eans to achieve inner freed om , liberation. For those w h o seek to understand the m ean in g o f h u m an life in the universe, he said, the aim o f the search is to break th ro u gh to this stream , to find it. T h e n there rem ains only "to k n o w ” in order “ to b e .” B ut in order to know, he taught, it is necessary to find o u t “h o w to know .” G u rd jieff respected traditional religion s and practices concern ed w ith spiritual transform ation, and po in ted ou t that th eir d ifferen t ap­ proaches cou ld be su bsum ed u nd er one o f th ree categories: the “w a y o f the fakir,” w h ich centers on m astery o f the physical body; the “w a y o f the m on k,” based on faith and religiou s feelin g; and the “w a y o f the yo g i,” w h ich concentrates on d evelo p in g the m ind. H e presented his teach in g as a "F ou rth W a y ” that requ ires w o r k on all th ree aspects at the sam e tim e. Instead o f discipline, faith or m ed itation, th is w a y calls for the a w a k en in g o f another in tellig en ce— k n o w in g and understan d­ ing. H is p ersonal w ish , he once said, w a s to live and teach so that there should be a n e w co nception o f G o d in the w o rld , a ch an ge in the v e ry m ea n in g o f the w ord. T h e first dem an d on the F ou rth W a y is “ K n o w thyself,” a principle that G u rd jieff rem in ded us is far m ore ancient th an Socrates. Spiritual

Foreword

x iv

progress depends on u n d erstan d in g, w h ich is d eterm ined b y o n e’s level o f being. C h a n g e in b ein g is possible th ro u g h conscious effort to w ard a q u a lity o f th in k in g and feelin g that brings a n e w capacity to see and to love. A lth o u g h h is tea ch in g cou ld be called "esoteric C h ris­ tianity,” G u rd jie ff noted that the principles o f tru e C h ristia n ity w ere develo p ed th ousan ds o f years before Jesus C h rist. In order to open to reality, to u n ity w ith e v e ry th in g in the universe, G u rd jie ff called for liv in g the w h o len ess o f "P resen ce” in the experience o f “I A m .” W h e n G u rd jieff u n d erto o k to w rite All and Everything, his trilo g y on the life o f m an, he en vision ed th e last b o o k as the T h ird Series titled Life Is Real Only Then, When “I Am.” H is stated aim for th is b o o k w a s to b rin g the reader to a tru e visio n o f the "w orld existin g in reality.” G u r­ d jieff b eg a n w o rk on it in N o ve m b er 1934 but stopped w ritin g six m on ths later and n ever co m pleted the b o ok . Before his death in 1949, he en tru sted his w ritin g s to Jeanne de S alzm an n , his closest pupil, and ch arged h er w ith d o in g “e v e ry th in g possible— ev en im possible— in o r­ der that w h a t I b ro u g h t w ill have an action.” A t the tim e o f his death, G u rd jie ff’s fo llo w ers w e re scattered across E u rope and A m erica. M m e. de S a lzm a n n ’s first task w as to call them to w o r k together. T h e second w a s to g iv e th e tea ch in g a fo rm for prac­ tical w o rk to w ard consciousness. In the fo rty years after G u rd jieff’s death, she arran ged for the publication o f his b o ok s and the p reserva­ tio n o f his dance exercises, called the M ovem ents. She also established G u rd jieff centers in Paris, N e w Y ork and L on don, as w e ll as Caracas, V en ezuela. In th ese centers she o rg a n ized gro u p s and M ovem ents classes, w h o se participants referred to th eir collective en gagem ent as “the W o rk .” Today, th ro u g h the efforts o f these pupils and other fo llo w ers o f the teach in g, G u rd jie ff’s ideas have spread th ro u gh o u t the w orld. In the in trod u ctio n th at fo llo w s, M m e. de Salzm an n reveals h o w she saw G u rd jie ff as a spiritual “m aster” in the traditional sense— not as a teacher o f d o ctrin e bu t as one w h o b y his v e ry presence aw akens and helps o thers in th eir search for consciousness. W h a t she does not sp eak about is h o w she h e rse lf also tau gh t b y her presence. She had a

Foreword

xv

qu ality o f intelligence and, in her o w n w ords, an “attitude o f v ig ila n c e ” that she b ro u g h t at all tim es and in all circu m stan ces. For M adam e, to live the tea ch in g w a s a w a y o f being. T h e respective roles o f G u rd jieff and M m e. de S alzm an n w e re v e ry different. A s she notes, G u rd jieff created conditions for his pupils and w as the d om inant influ en ce for each person. T h ere w as, h ow ever, no sense o f an o rg a n ized w o rk together, and the seeds o f k n o w led ge that he planted in different people could not sustain a co m m o n endeavor. She called others to see, w ith the m aster gon e, that their real gu id e w as the teachin g he left b eh in d and their o n ly possibility w a s to live it to ­ gether. H er constant dem and w as that th ey understand the teach in g and share the experience o f a conscious relation. She returned again and again to the practice necessary to have a n e w p erception o f reality and a m ore stable Presence as an independent life w ith in the body. T o live the teach in g w o u ld be to aw ake, to die to identification w ith o n e’s ordi­ n ary level o f fu n ctio n in g, and to b e reborn to the experience o f another dim ension, another world. A fu n d am en tal principle o f the F ou rth W a y is that it is in life and th ro u gh life. M m e. de S a lzm an n speaks o f this in the in trod u ction, explorin g w h at it m eans that G u rd jieff cam e to b rin g a spiritual “w ay.” T h e transm ission o f esoteric k n o w led g e requ ires an en gagem en t w ith others, a w o rk u n d ertaken tog eth er in w h a t G u rd jieff term ed a “school.” E soteric schools share the co m m o n aim o f seein g reality, but th ey differ in their approach, their “w ay.” W h e n G u rd jie ff b ro u g h t a teach in g o f a w ay, he b ro u g h t not on ly ideas but a p a rticu lar approach— a certain “ life to be lived.” M m e. de S a lzm a n n ’s g en era l concept o f a “sch o o l” can be dis­ cerned from the operation o f the centers that she o rg a n ized . It is im ­ p ortant to understand that she is ta lk in g about a co llective practice o f the teach in g rather than an institu tion for a cq u irin g con cep tu al k n o w l­ edge. T h ese centers are not exclu sive and have no fo rm al adm ission requirem ents or grades o f achievem en t. Indeed, there are no teachers. For a certain tim e, participants w o rk in a g ro u p w ith a leader w h o an­ sw ers questions. Later, in m ore senior groups, th ey exch an ge am o n g

Foreword

xvi

them selves. T h e F ou rth W a y is a w a y o f und erstan d in g, not o f faith or o bed ience to a charism atic leader. A s M m e. de Salzm an n w ro te, "T h e tea ch in g is the gu id e, and o n ly he w h o questions m ore deeply can be responsible to serve.”

M m e. de S alzm an n w as constan tly reflectin g on the reality o f bein g and w ritin g d o w n h er thou ghts in her notebooks. T h is deep questioning w as basic to h er approach to others, in w h ich ev ery encounter w as to be lived as w h o lly as possible. She ca refu lly prepared b y pon d erin g and w ritin g d o w n w h a t she w ish ed to b rin g to m eetings. She kept these notebooks, like diaries, up to her last years. Taken together, th ey p ro ­ vide a forty-year chron icle o f her life’s w o rk reflecting on reality and b rin g in g G u rd jieff’s tea ch in g to others. A t nin ety-on e she rem arked:

I am w ritin g a b o o k on h o w to be in life, on the path to take in order to live on tw o levels. It w ill sh o w h o w to find a balance, to go from one to the other, or rather to find the w a y in betw een. W e have to see beyond, and through, our ordinary thinking in order to open to another m ind. O therw ise, w e rem ain at the threshold in front o f the door, and the d oor does not open.

W h e n she died ten years later, she left the n otebooks intact, care­ fu lly preserved. T o those closest to her, this w a s a clear sign o f the lega cy she intended for this m aterial: to help com plete G u rd jieff’s w rit­ in g on a tru e visio n o f reality and fu lfill his m ission to b rin g a lost sys­ tem o f k n o w led g e to the m od ern w orld. M m e. de S a lzm an n w a s w h o leh ea rted in her d evotion to G u rd jieff and his w o rk , d ed icatin g her o w n contributions as "in h o m a g e” to him . She w a s also u n relen tin g in her call to others to live the teachin g. T h ese qualities are reflected in this b o ok . She often echoed, and som e­ tim es repeated, his exact w ords. Exam ples include the text on the o c­ tave in section 85, w h ich she said cam e fro m h im , and the exercise o f d ivided atten tion in section 92, w h ich is as he w ro te it in the T h ird Series. She b ro u g h t the tea ch in g u sin g his term s but w ith her o w n in ­

Foreword

x v ii

sight. For exam ple, “conscious w o r k ” for h er req u ired sim u ltaneou s participation o f the separate brain s o r “centers” g o v e rn in g the th in k ­ ing, feelin g and m o v in g fu n ctio n s in order to exp erience a unified Presence; this requ ired a certain "stru g g le” that w a s n o t d irected against autom atic fu n ctio n in g as m u ch as it w a s fo r the positive aim o f rem ain in g present; it w a s im p ortan t to m ain ta in an in n er “ lo o k ,” to “stay in fro n t” in an “act o f seein g” ; and one had to exp erience Presence as a "second b o d y ” in order to have a stability and indepen dence that could be free fro m outside influences. A t the sam e tim e, M m e. de Salzm ann developed her o w n lan guage and w a y o f speaking, strong and direct. Like Gurdjieff, she cared little abc>Ht conventions o f g ram m ar and vocabulary, m uch less m etaphoric consistency. She also w as unconcerned about co n fo rm in g to accepted concepts o f science. For her, the param ount concern w as clarity o f m ean­ in g in the experience o f consciousness, even w h ere it w as necessary to be im precise. Readers should b e forew arn ed about certain unusual characteristics o f this b ook. T h ere is alm ost no description or explanation o f either the reality o f bein g or G u rd jie ff s teach in g on h o w to live it. Indeed, like him in his later years, M m e. de Salzm ann consistently refused to discuss the teaching in term s o f ideas. W h e n asked a theoretical question, she w o u ld invariably dem ur, saying “Y ou have to see for yourself.” For h er the idea alone, the concept w ith ou t experience, w as not en ou gh — truth could not be thought. Indeed, the k n o w led ge o f the th in k in g m ind, especially thoughts about “w h o w e are,” w as an obstacle, a veil h idin g reality. So, instead o f presenting a vision o f the ultim ate destination, this b o o k is m ore like an account o f an actual journey, in clu din g routes traveled and landm arks encountered along the way. Jeanne de Salzm ann had her o w n w a y o f speaking, and n ot o n ly her distinctive choice o f w ords and capacity to shock. L istening to her, one had the im pression that she k n e w precisely w h a t she w ish ed to say and h o w she w o u ld say it. T h is is confirm ed b y the notebooks, w h ich show a rem arkable clarity and consistency in her th in k in g over fo rty years. Yet w h at she expressed in the m om en t w as m ore than m ere w ords.

Foreword

x v iii

M m e. de Salzm ann says in her introduction that G u rdjieff taught by his Presence, and later w rites that k n o w led ge o f a h igher level can be passed on th ro u gh ideas and w ords o n ly b y one w h o kn o w s from his o w n expe­ rience and can express the life contained in them . T h is expression re­ quired speakin g from a conscious state— in effect, sh ow in g the direction in the m om en t for those w h o could follow. T h is w a y o f teach in g w as h igh ly concentrated, as reflected in this book. It w o u ld have been im pos­ sible to take in m ore than one o f these texts at a tim e, or even to listen to one presentation after the other. L ike e v e ry exp erien tial accoun t, the in n er jo u rn e y M m e. de S a lz­ m an n describes can really be u n d erstoo d o n ly to the extent the reader h im s e lf can liv e the exp erien ce— that is, has eyes to see and ears to hear. In this respect this b o o k fo llo w s in the line o f G u rd jieff’s T h ird Series, w h ich he foretold w o u ld b e accessible o n ly to those capable o f u n d erstan d in g it. N evertheless, each person read ing or h earin g these texts w ill b e able to r e co g n iz e w h a t he or she k n o w s and, perhaps m ore im portan t, w h a t he or she does not kn o w , th ereby o p en in g to a sense o f the unknown that M m e. de S a lzm an n w o u ld call the threshold to reality. T h is b o o k w as edited b y a sm all gro u p o f Jeanne de Salzm ann's fa m ily and follow ers. Its contents are en tirely fro m her n otebooks ex­ cept a fe w passages fro m other, recorded statem ents. N o attem pt has been m ade to id en tify isolated excerpts taken b y her fro m G u rd jieff or o th er w riters. T h e chapters have been com piled acco rd in g to them es that em erged fro m the m aterial, and arran ged in an order correspond­ in g g en era lly to stages o f in n er w o rk . A lth o u g h the sequence is not ch ron o lo gical, m ost o f the m aterial in chapters I- IV o rigin ated from the first decade after G u r d jie ff s death. T h e n and later, listeners w o u ld h ave already b ee n fa m ilia r w ith h is ideas fro m read in g the published w o rks listed in th e b io grap h ical note at the b a ck o f th is b o o k , in clu din g the L a w o f T h r e e and the L a w o f Seven su m m a rize d in the note.

The Reality o f Being

In homage to George Ivanovitch Gurdjieff

Introduction

W

hen

I

met

G eo rge Ivanovitch G u rd jieff I w as th irty years old and

living in the Caucasus m ou n tain region o f w h a t w as then sou th ern Rus­ sia. A t the tim e I had a d eep n eed to und erstan d the m ean in g o f life b u t w as dissatisfied w ith explanations that seem ed th eoretical, n o t re­ ally u seful. T h e first im pression o f G u rd jie ff w as v e ry stron g, u n for­ gettable. H e had an expression I had never seen, and an intelligence, a force, that w as d ifferent, n o t the u su al in tellig en ce o f the th in k in g m in d but a visio n th at co u ld see ev e ry th in g . H e w as, at th e sam e tim e, b o th kin d and very, v e r y d em an din g. Y ou felt he w o u ld see y o u and sh o w y o u w h a t y o u w e re in a w a y y o u w o u ld n ever fo rget in y o u r w h o le life. It w as im possible really to k n o w Gurdjieff. T h e im pression he gave o f h im s e lf w a s n ever the sam e. W ith som e people w h o did not k n o w him , he played the role o f a spiritual m aster, b eh a vin g as th ey expected, and th en let th em g o away. But i f he saw th ey w e re lo o k in g for som e­ th in g higher, he m igh t take them to d in n er and sp eak about interest­ in g subjects, am use th em , m ak e th em laugh. T h is b eh a vio r seem ed to be m ore spontaneous, m ore “ free." But w as it really freer, o r did it o n ly seem so because he intended to appear lik e that? You m igh t th in k you k n e w G u rd jieff v e ry w e ll, but th en he w o u ld act quite d ifferen tly and y o u w o u ld see that y o u did not really k n o w him . H e w as lik e an irre ­ sistible force, not dependent on any one fo rm bu t co n tin u a lly g iv in g birth to form s.

Introduction

2

G u rd jie ff b ro u g h t us a k n o w led g e o f consciousness, a science that show s w h a t w e are and o u r p o ten tial capacity, w h at needs to be d evel­ oped. It is a real u n d erstan d in g o f the energies in us, o f th eir relation in o urselves and w ith e v e ry th in g arou nd us. H e cam e to b rin g a teach ­ ing, sh o w a w a y to w a rd consciousness. W h a t is a “way"? A n d w h a t is a teaching o f a way? Esoteric k n o w led g e is the science o f m an ’s relation w ith G o d and the u niverse. Its transm ission requ ires an en gagem en t w ith others— so-called “schools”— becau se a certain e n erg y can o n ly be p rod u ced in conditions w h ere people w o rk together. Schools m ay d iffer in their k n o w led g e and their approach— their w a y — bu t th ey have the sam e aim in co m m o n : to see reality. T h e k n o w led g e is passed on th eoreti­ ca lly and th ro u g h d irect experience, that is, b y liv in g a dram a w h ich fo llo w s the p a rticu lar w a y o f the school. T h is creates a relation, the lin k w ith o u t w h ich it w o u ld n o t be possible to live in tw o w orlds o f d ifferent levels at the sam e tim e. G u rd jieff’s tea ch in g speaks to co n tem p o rary m an, that is, to som e­ one w h o no lon ger k n o w s h o w to reco g n ize the tru th revealed in d ifferent fo rm s since earliest tim es, som eone w ith a deep sense o f dis­ satisfaction, w h o feels isolated, m eaningless. But h o w to aw aken an in telligen ce that can d istin gu ish the real fro m the illusory? A cco rd in g to G urdjieff, the tru th can b e approached o n ly i f all the parts that m ake up the h u m an bein g — the th ou gh t, the feelin g and the b o d y — are tou ch ed w ith the sam e force and in the p articu lar w a y ap­ propriate to each o f them . O th erw ise, d evelop m en t w ill in evitably be one-sided and, sooner or later, com e to a stop. W ith o u t an effective u n d erstan d in g o f this principle, all w o r k on o n e se lf is certain to deviate fro m the aim . T h e essential conditions w ill be w ro n g ly understood, and there w ill be a m ech an ical rep etitio n o f form s o f effort that never g o b eyo n d a quite o rd in a ry level. G u rd jie ff k n e w h o w to m ak e u se o f e v e ry life circu m sta n ce to h ave peo p le feel th e tru th . I saw h im at w o rk , atten tive to the p o ssi­ bilities o f u n d ersta n d in g in his d ifferen t g ro u p s and also to th e su b ­ je c tiv e d ifficu lties o f each pupil. I saw h im d e lib era tely p u ttin g the

Introduction

3

accent on a p a rticu la r aspect o f k n o w in g , th en o n a n o th er aspect, ac­ co rd in g to a v e r y d efin ite plan. H e w o rk e d at tim es w ith a th o u g h t that stim u lated th e in telle ct and o p en ed u p an en tire ly n e w visio n , at tim es w ith a fe e lin g th at req u ired g iv in g up all artifice in fa vo r o f an im m ed iate and co m p lete sin cerity, at tim es w ith th e a w a k e n in g and p u ttin g in m o tio n o f a b o d y th at resp o n d ed fr e e ly to w h a te v e r it w as asked to serve. It w as a w a y th at did not isolate his pupils fro m life bu t en gaged th em th ro u g h life, a w a y that to o k in to acco u n t the yes and th e no, the oppositions, all the co n trary forces, a w a y that m ade th em understand the necessity o f stru g g lin g to rise above the b attle w h ile at the sam e tim e ta k in g part in it. O n e w as b ro u g h t to a threshold to be crossed, and for the first tim e one felt that com plete sin cerity w as required. Passing o ver m igh t appear to b e d ifficu lt, bu t w h a t w a s b e in g left b e ­ hind no lon ger had the old attraction. In front o f certain hesitations, the p ictu re G u rd jieff gave o f h im s e lf provided a m easu re o f w h a t it w as necessary to g iv e and o f w h a t had to be g iv e n up in order n o t to take a w ro n g turn. T h e n it w a s n o lon ger the tea ch in g o f d octrin e bu t the incarnate action o f k n o w le d g e — the action o f a m aster. In G u rd jie ff’s o w n Presence, and becau se o f his Presence, one k n e w a m om en t o f tru th and w as capable o f sacrificin g e v e ry th in g for it. T h is w as lik e a m iracle. It w as a m iracle. It w as a m iracle— so m eth in g o f a force from a dim en sion above w h a t w e know . W h a t G u rd jieff b ro u g h t us w a s the possib ility o f ap proach in g a h igh er level o f being. By his w ords, by the relations he established w ith us, b y his P resence alone, he m ade us feel h u m a n qualities that aw ak­ ened in us the w ish to g o in this d irection. H e d re w us to w ard h im , tow ard another level. A t the sam e tim e, he m ade us su ffer terribly by m a k in g us see o u r actu al state, the w a y w e really w e re. M ost o f the m isunderstandings and disagreem ents about G u rd jie ff’s m eth od s and beh avior com e fro m the fact that he w o rk ed at the sam e tim e on our tw o natures. O n the one hand, G u rd jieff w o rk ed on o u r essence. H e listened to our inn er need w ith tireless patience and kindness, w h ich h u rt because

Introduction

4

w e alw ays felt u n w orthy. H e to o k an interest in our difficulties. H e g ave practical help to take the n ext step. W ith unbelievable exactness he indicated the definite in n er act that each had to carry ou t at the g iv en m om en t to free h im s e lf fu rth er from his autom atism . H ere there w as on G u rd jieff’s part n ever any acting, and no pressure. T h is w as tru ly a g ift fro m above, w h ich left the im pression o f love and o f co m ­ passion for the h u m an condition. H e m ade us feel o u r possibilities, our potential and, w ith the m eans he gave, he b ro u g h t the hope o f seeing th em grow . O n the o ther hand, G u rd jie ff w o rk ed on o u r fu n ctions in a relent­ less w a y — continual pressure, greater and greater dem ands, p u ttin g us in horrible situations, shocks o f all kinds. N o t o n ly did he not attract us but, in pu sh in g us to ex trem e lim its, he forced us to resist h im , to react against him . A n d he did this w ith o u t m ercy. B y his Presence he obliged us to com e to a decision, to k n o w w h a t w e w anted. O n e cou ld alw ays refuse and g o away. H ere w as the g ran d eu r o f Gurdjieff. T h e first way, w o rk on our essence, w a s outside life, w h o lly concentrated on inner action. T h e sec­ ond, w o rk on o u r fun ctions, w a s in life itself and th ro u gh life. W ith one hand he called us; w ith the other he beat us, sh o w in g us our slavery to o u r functions. V ery fe w people had the chance to experience both sides. Yet it is im possible to understand G u rd jieff’s m eth od s or beh avior w ith ­ out h a vin g received m aterial o f bo th these aspects o f his w ork. W ith o u t G urdjieff, the m aster, w e do n o t have the p ossibility o f w o rk in g in those special conditions. Yet his tea ch in g rem ains— to de­ ve lo p o u r in n er bein g. F or this, w e have to understand the teach in g and subm it to its principles. A n d this w e can n ot do alone. W e cann ot co m e to a n y th in g alone. O u r w a y is to live these ideas in order to u n ­ derstand them , and to pass on the tea ch in g to others i f and to the ex­ tent w e are able to liv e it w ith th em . S o w in g ideas w ith o u t liv in g th em is so w in g ideas that are em pty. G u rd jieff left us not o n ly w ords and ideas to be transm itted , bu t a certain life to be lived, a dram a to be played out w ith others arou nd us, w ith o u t w h ich the w o rk w ill rem ain im aginary.

Introduction

5

W e have therefore a responsibility. Ideas have b een b ro u g h t b y G u rd jieff as part o f a science that w e n eed to k n o w w e ll. But the idea alone is not en ou gh. If it is not lived b y all the parts o f m yself, I w ill rem ain as I am — passive and w h o lly at the disposition o f su rrou n d in g forces. O n a cosm ic scale, m an plays an im p ortan t role on th e earth. W ith o u t h im certain forces can n ot act and can n ot m ain tain an e q u ilib ­ rium . But w e do not see this, w e do not k n o w it and co n sequ en tly w e do not produce the force that cou ld create a relation w ith o th er cosm ic energies in ourselves. W h a t is necessary, in us and around us, is the creation o f a certain level o f energy, an attention that resists su rro u n d in g influ en ces and does not let itse lf deteriorate. T h e n it has to receive a force that is m ore active, that w ill a llo w it not o n ly to resist bu t to h ave an action and find a stable place b e tw e e n tw o curren ts o f d ifferent levels. T h is possibility o f equ ilib riu m is the co n tin u in g ch allen ge, the in terval to be faced at every m om en t in the w o rk for consciousness.

I

A CALL T O CONSCIOUSNESS

The child wants to h a v e , the adult wants to b e. The w ish to b e is behind all my manifestations. To learn to see is the first initiation into s e lf knowledge. We struggle not a g a in s t something, we struggle fo r something. I believe I need to pay attention when, in fa ct, I need to see and know my inattention. W hen I begin to see, I begin to love w hat I see. W here our attention is, God is.

I AM ASLEEP

1. A nostalgiafo r Being M an rem ains a m ystery to him self. H e has a n ostalgia for B eing, a lon gin g for duration, for perm anence, for absoluteness— a lo n gin g to be. Yet e v e ry th in g that constitutes his life is tem porary, eph em eral, lim ­ ited. H e aspires to an other order, another life, a w o rld that is beyon d him . H e senses that he is m ean t to participate in it. H e searches for an idea, an inspiration, th at co u ld m ove h im in this direction. It arises as a question: "W h o am I— w h o am I in th is w orld?" If this question becom es su fficien tly alive, it cou ld d irect the course o f his life. H e can n ot answ er. H e has n o th in g w ith w h ich to an sw er— no kn o w led ge o f h im s e lf to face this question, n o k n o w le d g e o f his o w n . But he feels he m ust w e lco m e it. H e asks h im s e lf w h a t he is. T h is is the first step on the w ay. H e w a n ts to open his eyes. H e w a n ts to w a k e up, to aw aken.

2. The lifeforce W e w ish to live, to be in life. From the m om en t w e are b orn , so m e­ th in g in us seeks to affirm its e lf in th e outside w orld. I w a n t to be heard and seen, to d evo u r the w orld. A t the sam e tim e, I do not w a n t to be

9

A CALL TO C O NS CI OU S NE S S

10

d evou red . I w a n t to be first, alw ays. But all to o soon I en coun ter the resistan ce o f th e w o rld , and th e basic im p u lse o f self-affirm ation has to tak e o th ers in to acco un t. M y a ffirm in g o ften assum es cu riou s, e v e n th o u g h co m m o n , fo rm s su ch as self-pity o r a refu sal to express oneself. I w is h to live, I agree w ith life. I do e v e ry th in g to live, and this sam e force m ain ta in s the life o f m y body. I w is h for so m eth in g o r to do so m eth in g, and w h e n th e w is h appears, th is force is here. It im pels m e to w a rd m an ifestation . T h r o u g h o u t m y life, in e v e ry th in g I do, I seek to affirm this force. T h e re is n o act, h o w e v e r sm all, that is n o t an affirm ation . I f I sp eak to so m eo n e o r w r ite a letter, I affirm this force, I affirm m y in telligen ce. E ven i f I m erely lo o k at som eone, it is this force. I f I h a n g up m y coat, it is th is force. B ehind this u n bridled af­ firm ation , th ere is su rely so m eth in g true. T h is force in m e is irre­ pressible. A t the sam e tim e, I do not k n o w w h a t the affirm ation is based on. I b elieve I am a ffirm in g m yself. I id e n tify w ith th is force. Yet ev en th o u g h it is in m e, this force is not m in e. A n d in a ffirm in g it as m y o w n , I do n o t see th at I separate m y s e lf fro m it. In w a n tin g to at­ tribu te its p o w e r to m yself, I cu t o f f its action. I create an in n er w o rld th at is d ep rived o f the actio n o f this life force. M y sense o f "I,” o f m y self, is h e a v y and inert. W e need to see o u r childishn ess in relatin g to the life force, alw ays w ish in g to have m ore. T h e ch ild w a n ts to have, the adult w ants to be. T h e constan t desire for "h a v in g ” creates fear and a need to be reas­ sured. W e need to d evelop an atten tion in us that w o u ld relate the w h o le o f ourselves to a h igh er force. T h e re is o n ly on e sou rce o f energy. A s soon as m y en ergy is called in on e d irectio n or another, a force appears. Force is en ergy in m o v e­ m ent. T h e re are d ifferent d irections, but the source is the sam e. T h e life force, the force o f m an ifestation, is alw ays in m ovem ent. It has to flow . A n d I am en tirely tak en b y it, I am sw ep t along. I b eg in to suspect th at I w ill alw ays b e taken i f I do n o t also tu rn tow ard another, u n ­ k n o w n part o f m yself.

I Am Asleep

I

3. I do not know myself W h o am I? I need to know . If I do not kn o w , w h a t m ea n in g does m y life have? A n d w h a t in m e responds to life? So, I m ust try to answ er, to see w h o I am. First, m y th ou gh t steps b a ck and brings su ggestion s about m yself: I am a m an or w o m a n w h o can do this, w h o has done that, w h o possesses this and that. M y th in k in g volun teers possible answ ers from all that it know s. But it does not k n o w w h a t I am , does n o t really k n o w m e in this m om ent. T h e n I tu rn to m y feeling. It is a m o n g the centers m ost capable o f k n o w in g. C a n it answer? M y feelin g is not free. It has to o bey the "m e” w h o w an ts to be the greatest, the m ost p o w e rfu l and w h o suffers all the tim e fro m not b ein g first. So, m y feelin g does not dare. It is afraid, or doubts. H o w can it know ? T h en , o f course, there is m y body, the capacity to sense m y body. But am I m y body? In fact, I do not k n o w m yself. I do not k n o w w h a t I am . I k n o w neither m y possibilities nor m y lim itation s. I exist, yet I do not k n o w h o w I am existing. I believe m y actions are a ffirm in g m y o w n exis­ tence. Yet I am alw ays resp o n d in g to life w ith o n ly one p art o f m yself. I react either em o tio n a lly or in telle ctu a lly or physically. A n d it is never really “ I" w h o responds. I also believe I am m o v in g in the d irectio n I w a n t to g o and that I can “ do.” But in fact I am acted upon, m o v ed by forces that I k n o w n o th in g about. E ve ry th in g in m e takes place, e v e ry ­ th in g happens. T h e strings are pu lled w ith o u t m y k n o w in g . I do not see that I am like a puppet, a m ach in e set in m otio n b y influ en ces from outside. A t the sam e tim e, I sense m y life passing as i f it w e re the life o f another person. I v a g u e ly see m y s e lf b ein g agitated, h oping, regret­ ting, afraid, bored . . . all w ith o u t feelin g that I am ta k in g part. M ost o f the tim e I act w ith o u t k n o w in g it and rea lize o n ly a fterw ard th at I said this or did that. It is as th o u g h m y life unfolds w ith o u t m y conscious participation. It unfolds w h ile I sleep. F rom tim e to tim e jo lts o r shocks aw aken m e for an instant. In the m idd le o f an a n g ry outburst, or g r ie f or danger, I su d denly open m y eyes— "W h a t ? . . . It's me, here, in this

12

A CALL TO C ON S C I OU S N E S S

situation, liv in g this.” But after the shock, I g o back to sleep, and a lon g tim e can pass before a n e w sh o ck aw aken s m e. A s m y life passes, I m ay b e g in to su sp ect th at I am not w h a t I b e­ lieve. I am a b e in g w h o is asleep, a b e in g w ith no consciousness o f h im self. In th is sleep I co n fu se in tellect— the th o u g h t fu n ctio n in g in ­ dep en d en tly fro m fee lin g — w ith in tellig en ce, w h ich includes th e ca­ p a city to feel w h a t is b e in g reasoned. M y fu n ctio n s— m y th ou gh ts, fe e lin g s and m o v e m e n ts— w o r k w ith o u t d irectio n , su bject to ran­ d om sh ocks and habits. It is th e lo w e st state o f b e in g for m an. I live in m y o w n n a rro w , lim ite d w o rld co m m a n d e d b y associations fro m all m y su b jective im pressions. T h is is a p riso n to w h ich I alw ays r e tu rn — m y prison. T h e search for m y se lf b egin s w ith qu estio n in g w h ere “I" am. I have to feel the absence, the habitual absence, o f “ I.” I m ust k n o w the feelin g o f em ptiness and see the lie in alw ays a ffirm in g an im age o f m yself, the false "I.” W e are all the tim e saying “I,” th ou gh w e do not really believe in it. In fact, w e have n o th in g else in w h ich w e can believe. It is the w ish to be that pushes m e to say "I.” It is behin d all m y m anifestations. But this is not a conscious im pulse. U su ally I lo o k to the attitude o f others in order to b e co n vin ced o f m y being. I f th ey reject or ign ore m e, I doubt m yself. I f th ey accept m e, I believe in m yself. A m I o n ly this im ag e that I affirm ? Is there really no “ I” w h o could be present? In order to respond, I need to k n o w m yself, to have a direct experience o f k n o w in g m yself. First, I have to see the obstacles that stand in the w ay. I m u st see that I b elieve in m y m ind, m y th in k in g — I believe it is I. “I” w ish to kn o w , "I” have read, "I” have understood. A ll this is the expression o f the false "I,” m y o rd in a ry “ I.” It is m y ego that prevents m e fro m o p en in g to consciousness, fro m seeing "what is" and w h a t “I am.” M y effort to a w a k en can n ot be forced. W e are afraid o f em ptiness, afraid to b e n o th in g , and so w e m ake an effort to be o th erw ise. But w h o m akes this effort? I m u st see that this to o com es fro m m y o rd i­ n a ry “I.” A ll fo rcin g com es fro m the ego. I m u st no lon ger be fo o led b y an im age or an ideal that is im p osed b y the m ind. I need to accept em p ­

I Am Asleep

13

tiness, accept to b e n o th in g , accept “w h a t is.” In th is state, the possibil­ ity o f a n ew p erception o f m y s e lf appears.

4. “I ” am not here R eal “ I” com es fro m essence. Its d evelo p m en t depen ds on th e w is h o f essen ce— a w is h to be and th en a w is h to b e c o m e able to be. E ssen ce is fo rm ed fro m im p ressio n s that are assim ilated in ea rly ch ild h o o d , u su a lly up to th e age o f five o r six w h e n a fissu re appears b e tw e e n essence and p erso n ality. In ord er to d evelo p fu rth e r, essen ce m u st b eco m e a ctive in spite o f resistan ce fro m th e p ressu re o f p erson ality. W e need to “rem em b er o u rselv es” fo r o u r essence to receive im p res­ sions. O n ly in a co n sciou s state can w e see th e d ifferen ce b e tw e e n essence and personality. O rd in arily im pressions are received in a m ech an ical w ay. T h e y are received b y o u r personality, w h ich reacts w ith autom atic th ou gh ts and feelings that depend on its conditionin g. W e do not assim ilate im pres­ sions because p erso n ality itself can n ot b e alive— it is dead. In order to be assim ilated and transform ed, im pressions have to b e received b y essence. T h is requires a conscious effo rt at the m om en t o f the im p res­ sion. A nd it requires a definite feelin g, a fee lin g o f love for b ein g, for b ein g present. W e m ust respond to im pressions no lon ger fro m the van tage point o f p erso n a lity bu t fro m love for b e in g present. T h is w ill transform o u r w h o le w a y o f th in k in g and feeling. T h e first n ecessity is to h ave an im p ressio n o f m yself. T h is b e g in s w ith a sh o ck w h e n the q u estio n “ W h o am I?” arises. For an instant th ere is a stop, an in te rv a l that a llo w s m y en ergy, m y atten tio n , to ch a n g e d irectio n . It tu rn s b a ck to w a rd m e, and the qu estio n n o w tou ch es m e. T h is e n e rg y b rin g s a vib ra tio n , a n o te th at d id n o t sound u n til now . It is subtle, v e r y fin e, b u t n everth e less co m m u n icates. I feel it. It is an im pressio n I receive, an im p ressio n o f a life in m e. A ll m y possib ilities are here. W h a t fo llo w s — w h e th e r I w ill o p en to th e exp erien ce o f P resen ce— d epen ds on th e w a y I re ceive th is im pression.

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A CALL TO C O NS CI O US NE S S

W e do not understan d the m om en t o f receivin g an im pression and w h y it is so im portan t. W e need to be present because it is the sh ock o f the im pression that drives us. If there is n o b o d y here at the m om en t an im pression is received, I react autom atically, blindly, passively, and I am lost in the reaction. I refu se the im pression o f m y s e lf as I am . In th in k in g , in reactin g, in in terp o sin g m y o rd in a ry “ I” in the reception o f this im pression, I close m yself. I am im a g in in g w h a t “ I” am . I do not k n o w the reality. I am the prisoner o f this im agination, the lie o f m y false “I.” U su ally I try to aw ake b y forcing, but it does not w ork. I can and m ust learn to aw ake b y o p en in g con sciou sly to the im pression o f m y s e lf and seein g w h a t I am at the v e ry m om en t. T h is w ill be a sh ock th at aw akens m e, a sh ock b ro u g h t b y an im pression that I receive. It requires a freed o m to be in m ovem en t, not to stop the m ovem ent. In order to w ish to be present, I m u st see that I am asleep. "I” am not here. I am enclosed in a circle o f p e tty interests and avid ity in w h ich m y "I” is lost. A n d it w ill rem ain lost unless I can relate to som e­ th in g higher. T h e first cond ition is to k n o w in m y s e lf a d ifferent qu al­ ity, h igh er than w h a t I o rd in arily am . T h e n m y life w ill take on n ew m eaning. W ith o u t this cond ition there can be no w o rk. I m ust rem em ­ ber there is anoth er life and at the sam e tim e experience the life that I am leading. T h is is aw aken in g. I aw ake to these tw o realities. I need to understan d that b y m yself, w ith o u t a relation w ith som e­ th in g higher, I am n o th in g, I can do n oth in g. By m y s e lf alone, I can o n ly rem ain lost in this circle o f interests, I have no q u ality that allow s m e to escape. I can escape o n ly i f I feel m y absolute noth ingness and beg in to feel the need for help. I m ust feel the need to relate m y s e lf to so m eth in g higher, to open to an other quality.

TO REMEMBER ONESELF

5. W here our attention is I w ish to be conscious o f m yself. Yet, as I am at this m om en t, can I k n o w m yself, can I be conscious o f m yself? I cannot. I am to o scat­ tered. I feel nothing. But I see that I am asleep, and I see the sym ptom s o f this sleep. I have fo rgo tten the sense o f m y existence, I have forgot­ ten m yself. A n d at th is m om en t I receive a shock: I am aw a k in g , I w a n t to w a k e up. T h en , h a v in g scarcely felt the shock, I feel m y s e lf taken again, held back b y the elem ents o f m y sleep— associations that tu rn around, em otions that tak e m e, un con scious sensations. I feel m y s e lf fall back into forgetfulness. W e do not realize h o w passive w e are, alw ays pulled along b y events, people and things. W e b eg in an activity w ith great interest, fu lly aw are o f our aim. But after a certain tim e the im pulse w eakens, overcom e by inertia. O u r understanding dim inishes, and w e feel the need for som e­ th in g n ew that w ill restore the interest, the life. O u r inner w o rk p ro ­ gresses like this in stages, and alw ays depends on n e w forces. It is determ ined b y laws. W e m ust get rid o f the idea that progress is continu­ ous in a straight line. T h ere are stages w h ere the intensity dim inishes and, i f w e w ish not to fall back, a force m ust appear that is m ore active. T h e passive “m an ” in us, the o n ly one w e kn o w , is th e on e w e trust. But as lo n g as w e rem ain passive, n o th in g n e w can appear. W e

15

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A CALL TO C ONS CI OUS NE S S

m ust b eco m e active in relation to o u r inertia, the passive w o rk o f our fu n ctions. If w e w ish to ch ange, w e m ust lo o k for the n e w “m an ” in ourselves, the one w h o is hidden. T h is is the on e w h o rem em bers, w h o has a force that can o n ly be b ro u g h t b y o u r w ish , o u r w ill, and m ust g r o w d egree b y degree. It is n ecessary to see that a m ore active state, a greater intensity, is possible. I need to reco gn ize that in m y usual state m y attention is undivided. W h e n I open to the outside, I am natu rally interested in it. M y attention goes there. I cannot prevent m yself. If m y force o f attention is entirely taken, I am lost in life, identified, asleep. A ll m y capacity to be present is lost. I lose m yself, the feelin g o f m yself. M y existence loses its m eaning. So, the first step is a separation in w h ich m y attention is divided. O u r effort m u st alw ays b e clear— to b e present, that is, to b e g in to rem em b er m yself. W ith the attention divided, I am present in tw o di­ rections, as present as I can be. M y atten tion is en gaged in tw o opposite directions, and I am at the center. T h is is the act o f self-rem em bering. I w ish to keep part o f m y attention on the aw areness o f b elo n g in g to a h igh er level and, u nd er this influen ce, try to open to the outer w orld. I m ust m ake an effort to rem ain related, an effort o f attention. I try to k n o w tru ly w h a t I am . I stru gg le to stay present, at the sam e tim e w ith a feelin g o f “I” tu rn ed to w ard a b etter q u a lity and w ith an o rd in ary feelin g tied to m y self, m y person. I w ish to see and not forget that I b elo n g to these tw o levels. W e m ust see w h ere o u r attention is. W h e re is o u r attention w h en w e rem em ber ourselves? W h ere is o u r attention in life? O rder can be born in us o n ly i f w e enter into direct contact w ith disorder. W e are not in the disorder. W e are the state o f disorder. If I lo o k at w h at I really am, I see the disorder. A n d w h ere there is a direct contact, there is an im m e­ diate action. I b egin to realize that m y Presence is w h ere m y attention is.

6. The first initiation B ehind all m y m anifestations, there is a w ish to k n o w m yself, to k n o w that I exist and h o w I exist. But in m y contacts w ith the w orld, an im age

To Remember O neself

17

o f “ I” is form ed at th e sam e tim e as th e contact. I am attached to this im age because I take it as b ein g m e. I try to affirm and protect it. I am the slave o f this im age. B ein g so attached and tak en in th ese reactions, I have no attention left to k n o w that I am also so m eth in g else. A s I am , I reco g n ize n o th in g above m e, either outside o r inside m yself. T h eo retica lly perhaps, but not a c tu a lly So I have n o reference w ith w h ich to m easu re m yself, and live exclu sively a cco rd in g to “I lik e” or “ I don’t like.” I va lu e o n ly m y s e lf and liv e passively accord ing to w h a t pleases m e. T h is v a lu in g o f m y o rd in a ry "I" blinds m e. It is the biggest obstacle to a n e w life. T h e first requ irem en t for self-kn ow led ge is a ch an ge in m y opinion o f m yself, w h ich can o n ly co m e fro m actu ­ ally seeing th in gs in m y s e lf that I have not seen b efore. A n d in order to see, I m ust learn to see. T h is is the first initiation into self-kn ow ledge. I try to see h o w I am in a state o f identification, to exp erience h o w I am w h en I am identified. I need to k n o w the en orm ou s p o w e r o f the force beh in d identification and its irresistible m ovem en t. T h is force, w h ich sustains us in life, does not w a n t self-rem em bering. It drives us tow ard m an ifestation and refuses the m o v em en t inw ard. T o see m y s e lf in identification is to see w h a t I am in life. But each tim e I rem em b er m y h ig h er possibilities, I g o away, I refu se w h a t I am in life. A n d this refu sal prevents m e fro m k n o w in g it. I m ust be clever in order to catch m y s e lf w ith o u t ch a n g in g a n yth in g, w ith o u t ch a n g in g m y w ish to m anifest. I n eed to see m y s e lf as a m ach in e d riven b y the processes that appear— thou gh ts, desires, m ovem en ts. I need to k n o w m y se lf as a m ach in e— to be present w h ile I fu n ctio n as a m achine. W h o am I in life? I m u st experience it, have a m ore conscious im p res­ sion o f it. In order to face the force o f identification, there m ust be som e­ th in g present that attends— an attention that is stable, free and related to another level. I w ish to be present to w h a t is ta k in g place, to rem ain conscious o f m y s e lf and not lose m yself. M y effo rt is m ade w ith so m e­ th in g that does not b elo n g to m y o rd in a ry m eans. I need a certain w ill and desire u n k n o w n to m y o rd in a ry self. M y o rd in a ry “I” m ust g iv e up its place. T h ro u g h m ain ta in in g the atten tion and not fo rg e ttin g to

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A CALL TO C O NS CI O US NE S S

loo k, perhaps one day I w ill be able to see. If I see one tim e, I can see a second tim e, and i f this repeats I w ill no lon ger be able not to see. In order to observe, I have to stru ggle. M y ord in ary nature refuses self-observation. I need to prepare, to o rg a n ize a stru ggle against the obstacle, to w ith d ra w a little fro m m y identification— sp eakin g, im ag­ ining, expressing negative em otions. C o n sciou s stru ggle requires ch oice and acceptance. It m ust not be m y state that dictates the choice. I m ust ch oose the stru gg le to be present and accept that su fferin g w ill appear. T h ere is no stru gg le w ith o u t sufferin g. S truggle is unaccep t­ able to o u r lo w e r nature; stru gg le upsets it. T h is is w h y it is so im p o r­ tan t alw ays to rem em b er w h a t w e w is h — the m e a n in g o f o u r w o rk and o u r Presence. In g o in g against a habit, for exam ple, lik e eatin g or sit­ tin g in a certain w ay, w e are not stru g g lin g to ch an ge the habit. O r in try in g not to express negative em otions, w e are not stru g g lin g against the em otion s th em selves or stru g g lin g to do aw ay w ith th eir expres­ sion. It is a stru gg le w ith o u r identification, to a llo w the en erg y o th er­ w ise w a sted to serve the w o rk. W e stru gg le not against som eth in g, w e stru gg le for som eth in g.

7. Can we become conscious> T h e w o r k to be present is in the d irectio n o f consciousness— that is, a special kin d o f p erception independent o f the activ ity o f the in tellec­ tu a l m ind, a perception o f oneself: w h o one is, w h ere one is and then w h a t one k n o w s and does not know . In the m om en t o f consciousness there is the im m ed iate im pression o f a d irect perception. T h is is quite d ifferen t fro m w h a t w e u su a lly call “consciousness,” w h ich operates m ore lik e a reflection fa ith fu lly a cco m p an yin g w h a t I experience and rep resen tin g it in m y m ind. W h e n this consciousness reflects the fact that I th in k or feel so m eth in g, th is is a second action that, like a shadow, fo llo w s the first. W ith o u t this sh ad ow I am un con scious o f and ignore the o rig in a l th o u g h t or feelin g. If, for exam ple, I am a n g ry and beside m yself, I o n ly see it as lo n g as I am aw are o f th e reflection w h ich , like a w itness, tells m e in a w h isp er that I am angry. T h e w h isp er follow s

To Remember O neself

19

so closely u pon the p reced in g fee lin g th at I believe th ey are one and the sam e. But it is n o t really lik e that. C an w e becom e conscious? It is all a question o f energies and their relation, w ith each en erg y alw ays co n trolled b y a fin er on e that is m ore active, m ore an im atin g, lik e a m agnet. T h e e n erg y used in o u r fu n c­ tions— o u r thoughts, o u r em otions, o u r sensations— is passive, inert. Spent in m ovem en ts to w a rd the outside, this en erg y suffices in q u a lity for o u r life as h igh er anim als, but is not fine en o u g h for an in n er act o f perception, o f consciousness. N evertheless, w e do h ave som e p o w e r o f attention, at least on the surface, som e capacity to po in t the attention in a desired d irection and hold it there. A lth o u g h it is fragile, this seed or bud o f attention is consciousness em erg in g fro m deep w ith in us. For it to g row , w e need to learn to concentrate, to d evelop th is capacity indispensable for p reparin g the gro u n d . T h is is the first th in g that w e do ourselves, n o t dependent on anyon e else. T h e practice o f b ein g present is self-rem em bering. Instead o f bein g taken outw ard, the attention o f the fu n ctions is turn ed tow ard the in­ side for a m om en t o f consciousness. I need to reco gn ize that I can u n ­ derstand n o th in g i f I can n ot rem em b er m yself. T h is m eans rem em b er­ in g m y highest possibilities, that is, rem em b erin g w h a t I open to w h en I com e back to m y s e lf alone. To rem em b er m y s e lf also m eans to be present to m y situation— to the place, the conditions, the w a y I am taken b y life. T h ere is no roo m for dream ing. Perhaps I w ill not com e to a state that is satisfying. It does not m at­ ter. W h a t is im portan t is the effort to b e present. W e can n ot alw ays find a better state that brings a feelin g o f so m eth in g new. W e feel unable and conclude that there is n o th in g perm an ent in us on w h ich w e can rely. But it is not true. T h ere is som ething. In a b etter state, w e can see that w e have in us all the elem ents necessary to com e to it. T h e elem ents are already here. T h is m eans the possibilities are alw ays here in us. W h a t is too often m issin g is k n o w in g w h a t I w an t. A n d it is this that u nd erm in es m y w ill to w o rk. W ith o u t k n o w in g w h a t I w an t, I w ill not m ake any effort. I w ill sleep. W ith o u t w ish in g for a different qu ality in m yself, to tu rn to w ard m y h igh er possibilities, I w ill have

A CALL TO CONSCI OUSNESS

20

n o th in g to lean on, n o th in g to support w o rk. I m ust alw ays, again and again, com e b a ck to th is question: W h a t do I w ish? It m ust b ecom e the m ost im p ortan t qu estion o f m y life. Yet this w ish for a different qu ality has no force at all i f it com es fro m m y o rd in a ry “I.” It m ust be related to so m eth in g co m p letely d ifferent fro m m y o rd in a ry “1” and free from the desire for a result. I m ust not fo rget why I w ish . T h is m ust be for m e really a qu estion o f life or death— I w is h to be, to live in a certain way.

8. The watchman W e do not see o u r state o f sleep. In this state w e th in k o f w o rkin g; w e th in k, “I w is h to be present.” But the effo rt to b e present is so m eth in g v e ry d ifferent fro m th in k in g . It is an effo rt in the d irection o f con ­ sciousness. W e m ust com e to k n o w w h eth er w e are conscious at a g iv en m om en t, and all the d egrees o f this consciousness. Its presence or absence can thus b e p ro ved b y an in n er act o f observin g. I am in fron t o f so m eth in g I do not know . I am in front o f a m ys­ tery, the m ystery o f m y P resence. I m ust reco g n ize that I can n ot k n o w this m ystery w ith m y o rd in a ry m eans o f k n o w in g . But I m ust u nd er­ stand, at least in tellectu ally, w h a t it w o u ld m ea n to be present— that is, to be present not o n ly w ith m y head, m y sensation or m y feelin g, but w ith all these elem ents o f m y P resence together. M aybe then I still w ill not be tru ly present, bu t at least I w ill search for a co m m o n direction. W h o is present— w h o is seeing? A n d w h o m ? T h e w h o le problem is here. In order to observe ourselves w e need an attention that is different fro m o u r o rd in a ry attention. W e u n d ertake the stru ggle to be vigilant, to w a tch — the stru ggle o f the w atch m an . W e seek to have a w atch m an in us w h o is stable. T h e one w h o w atches is the one w h o is present. O n ly the w a tch m an is active. T h e rest o f m e is passive. T h e w atch m an m u st take an im pression o f the in n er state w h ile try in g to see ev ery ­ th in g at the sam e tim e and have a sense o f th e w h ole. W e m ust learn to d istin gu ish b etw e en the real “ I,” w h ich is no w h ere to be seen, and the personality, w h ich takes o ver and b elieves it is the o n ly one w h o exists.

To Remember O neself

21

O n e has p o w er o ver the other. T h e necessity is to reverse the roles. T h e danger is that w e do not see the roles ch an ge b a ck again. I believe I need to pay attention w hen , in fact, I need to see and k n o w m y inattention. O bservation o f m y s e lf show s m e h o w b etter to co ncentrate and strengthens the attention. It m akes m e see that I do not rem em b er m yself, that I do not see m y state o f sleep. I am fragm en ted , m y atten­ tion is dispersed, and th ere is no force that is available to see. W h e n I aw aken, I m ake an effort to d isen gage en o u g h atten tion to oppose this dispersion, and to see it. T h is is a state that is m ore vo lu n tary. N o w there is a w a tch m an , and this w a tch m a n is a d ifferen t state o f co n ­ sciousness. I m ust alw ays rem em b er that I do not k n o w w h a t I am , that the w h o le prob lem is who is present. Self-observation b y m y usual th ough t, w ith its separation b etw e en the o bserver and w h a t is o b ­ served, w ill o n ly stren gth en the illusion o f m y o rd in a ry "I." A t a certain m om en t w e com e to see tw o aspects, tw o natures, in ourselves— a h igh er n atu re related to one w o rld and a lo w e r nature related to another, a d ifferent w orld. W h a t are w e? W e are neither one nor the oth er— neither G o d nor anim al. W e participate in life w ith both a d ivin e nature and an an im al nature. M an is double; he is not one. A nd as such, he is o n ly a prom ise o f m an u n til he can liv e w ith b o th natures present in h im s e lf and not w ith d ra w into on e or the other. If he w ith d ra w s into the h igh er part, he is distant fro m his m an i­ festations and can no lo n ger evalu ate them ; he n o lon ger k n o w s or experiences his an im al nature. I f he slides into the oth er nature, he forgets ev e ry th in g that is not anim al, and there is n o th in g to resist it; he is anim al . . . not m an. T h e a n im al alw ays refu ses th e angel. T h e angel turn s aw ay fro m the anim al. A conscious m an is one w h o is alw ays vig ila n t, alw ays w a tch fu l, w h o rem em bers h im s e lf in bo th d irections and has his tw o natures alw ays confronted.

THE NEED TO K N O W

p. N ew knowledge is necessary G u rd jie ff b ro u g h t a tea ch in g o f the F ou rth W a y that calls for conscious w o r k rather th an obedience. A fu n d a m en ta l idea is that in o u r ordi­ n a ry state e v e ry th in g takes place in sleep. A n d in sleep w e can see noth in g. W e can n ot d irect o u r lives b y o u r o w n w ill. W e are en tirely depen den t o n influ en ces fro m outside and enslaved b y the autom atic reactions o f o u r fu n ctio n in g. It is com plete slavery. T h ere is no h igh er principle, n o conscious principle. M an has th e p o ssib ility to a w a k en fro m this sleep, to aw aken to the higher, to be. T h e m eans is th e attention. In sleep the attention is taken. It m u st be freed and tu rn ed in another d irection. T h is is the separation o f “I” and “me." It is the active force opposed to the passive, the stru gg le b e tw e e n the yes and the no. T h is m ob ilizatio n o f the atten­ tio n is the first step to w a rd the p o ssib ility o f self-rem em bering. W ith ­ o u t a d ifferent attention, w e are obliged to b e autom atic. W ith an attention that is vo lu n tarily directed , w e g o tow ard consciousness. D iv id in g the atten tion m akes it possible to b e g in the observation o f oneself. Self-observation m ust alw ays be related to the idea o f cen ­ ters and o f th eir autom atic fu n ctio n in g, in particular, the lack o f a co m ­ m o n direction. O u r th ree centers— m in d , b o d y and feelin g— w o rk w ith d ifferent energies, and their disposition d eterm ines the influ-

22

The Need to Know

23

ences that reach us. W e can receive m ore subtle, h ig h e r influ en ces o n ly i f o u r centers are disposed in a certain w ay. W h e n w e are w h o lly under the p o w er o f lo w er influences, the h igh er ca n n o t reach us. E v e ry th in g depends on the q u a lity o f the influen ces that w e obey, h igh er or low er. A s w e are, each in flu en ce produces a kin d o f reactio n that corresponds to it. N egative em otion s are a n egatio n on a v e ry lo w level. If o u r reac­ tions are on a lo w level, w h a t w e receive is on a lo w level. W e need to learn to o bey the law g o v e rn in g h igh er forces, co n sciou sly to subm it o u r w ill to the higher. T h e m om en t o f consciousness is a m om en t o f w ill. N e w k n o w led g e is necessary, a k n o w led g e that can lead to a n e w u nd erstan d in g o f m an and to a ch an ge in bein g, th at is, to evolution. T h e science u n d erlyin g the F ou rth W a y is ancient, alth o u gh it has been forgotten . It is a science that studies m an n o t ju s t as he is bu t as he can becom e. It regards m an as h a vin g a p o ssib ility o f e v o lvin g, and studies the facts, the principles and the law s o f this evolu tion. T h is is an ev o lu ­ tion o f certain qualities that can n ot d evelop b y them selves. It can n ot be m echanical. T h is evolu tio n calls for conscious effort and for seeing. K n o w led ge is k n o w led g e o f th e w h o le. Yet w e can o n ly receive it in fragm ents. A fte rw a rd w e m ust co n n ect th em o urselves in order to find their place in an u n d erstan d in g o f the w hole. T h e F ou rth W ay is to b e lived. In the w o r k to b e present I n eed first to find each d ay a certain q u a lity o f co m in g b a ck to m yself. T h e n I m ust becom e able to o b serve m y identification w ith the life force and find a place in m y s e lf in w h ich at certain m om en ts m y attention can hold itself b etw e en the tw o . For this, it is n ecessary to w o rk w ith others.

10. S e lf observation If I w ish to understand m yself, I m ust above all have a m in d that is ca­ pable o f o b serv in g w ith o u t distortion. T h is requ ires m y fu ll attention, w h ich appears o n ly w h en there is a real need to know , w h e n the m ind turn s e v e ry th in g aw ay in order to observe. I n e ver o b serve m y s e lf in

24

A CALL TO CONSCIOUSNESS

action. I n ever see m y s e lf fu n ctio n in g m ech anically, nor see that I like to fu n ctio n m echanically. I need to be co n vin ced o f the d etours— exp e­ riences and k n o w le d g e — that preven t m e fro m o b serv in g m yself. T h is kin d o f o bservation is the b e g in n in g o f self-know ledge. I w ish to experience each th o u g h t and each fee lin g in m yself, but m y atten tion alw ays w anders. N o th o u g h t is ever com pleted, no feel­ in g is ever concluded. T h e fee lin g sw in g s fro m on e th in g to another, ordered here and there lik e a slave. W ith th is continual m ovem ent, I can n ot d isco ver the profou n d m ea n in g o f these th ou gh ts or these feel­ ings. M y reactions have to slow d ow n . But how? T h is can n ot be im ­ posed. It w o u ld create co n flict and u n d erm in e the effort. Yet, w h en I concentrate in order to see, b y its e lf this act slow s d o w n the speed o f the reaction. If the atten tion is free o f any im age or w ord, free o f k n o w l­ edge, m y feelin g slow s d ow n . T h ere is an instant before the reaction appears, in w h ich I can see m y th ou gh ts and feelin gs arise. I see them as facts. For the first tim e I understand w h a t a “ fact” is— so m eth in g that I can n ot ch an ge, that I can n ot avoid, so m eth in g which is. T h is is true! A s m y o n ly interest is to see, I do not in terven e and the real sig­ nificance o f th ese th ou gh ts and feelin gs is revealed. T ru th becom es allp o w e rfu l to m e. In this state m y k n o w in g has stopped; the search alone exists. H o w can I k n o w a liv in g thing? B y fo llo w in g it. To k n o w the S e lf I m ust be w ith the Self. I m u st fo llo w it. G u rd jieff tau ght the necessity o f self-observation, but this practice has been m ostly m isu nd erstood . U su ally w h e n I try to observe, there is a point fro m w h ich the o bservation is m ade, and m y m ind projects the idea o f o b serv in g, o f an o b server separate fro m the object observed. But the idea o f o b serv in g is not the o bservin g. Seein g is not an idea. It is an act, the act o f seeing. H ere the object is m e, a liv in g bein g that needs to be r e co g n iz e d in order to live a certain life. T h is observation is not that o f a fixed o bserver lo o k in g at an object. It is one com plete act, an experience that can take place o n ly i f there is no separation b e ­ tw e e n w h a t sees and w h a t is seen, n o p o in t fro m w h ich the o bserva­ tio n is m ade. T h e n th ere is a fee lin g o f a special kind, a wish to know. It is an affection that em braces e v e ry th in g that I see and is indifferen t to

The Need to Know

2.5

nothing. I need to see. W h e n I b e g in to see, I b e g in to love w h a t I see. N o lon ger separate, I am in con tact w ith it, intensely, com pletely. I know, and th is k n o w in g is the resu lt o f this n e w condition. I w a k e up to w h a t I am and to u ch the source o f tru e love, a q u a lity o f being. T h e tru th o f w h a t I am can o n ly be seen b y a fine energy, an intel­ ligen ce in m e that sees. T h is requ ires a precise relation b e tw e e n m y u sual th in k in g and this seeing. O n e m u st su bm it to the other, or I w ill be taken b y the m aterial o f the th ou ght. T h ere can b e no contradiction, h o w e v er sm all, in m yself. O th erw ise, I ca n n o t see. A contrad iction m eans on one side the need to k n o w w h a t I am , and on the o th er a head that fu n ctio n s for itself alone, an em o tio n th at feels for itself alone, and tensions that cu t m e o ff fro m sensation. W h e n I see m y s e lf lost in the dark, I feel the need for clarity, for vision . I feel the necessity to see, a com pletely d ifferen t fee lin g fro m w is h in g to ch a n g e because yesterday I had a b etter state. T h en , little b y little, the tensions in the b o d y let g o b y them selves. T h e m in d sees w ith o u t seek in g a result, and the b o d y opens to a d ifferen t quality. T h e e n erg y b ecom es free and an inner reality appears. T h ere is no m ore contradiction. I see, ju st t h a t . . . I o n ly see. To observe w ith o u t con trad iction is lik e fo llo w in g a fast curren t, a torrent, anticipating the ru sh in g w a ter w ith o n e’s loo k, seeing the m ovem en t o f each little w ave. T h e re is no tim e to form ulate, to nam e or to jud ge. T h ere is no m ore th in kin g. M y m ind b ecom es quiet and sensitive— v e ry alive bu t quiet. It sees w ith o u t distortion. Silent obser­ vation gives b irth to und erstan d in g, but this tru th m ust be seen. O rd er is born fro m u n d erstan d in g disorder. T o be disorder and, at the sam e tim e, present to the disorder brings the k n o w in g o f a d ifferen t possibil­ ity, a different order o f things.

11. Conscious effort W h y do I b eg in to w ork? In order to k n o w w h a t m oves m e to m ake an effort, I need a m ore conscious attention. T h is attention can n ot be m e­ chanical, because it m ust be co n stan tly adjusted in order to last. T h e re

A CALL TO C ONS CI OUS NE S S

26

has to be so m eo n e vig ila n t w h o w atch es, and that w a tch m an w ill be a d ifferent state o f consciousness. W h e n I w ith d ra w fro m life to open to w h a t I am , a m om en t som e­ tim es com es w h e n I feel m y s e lf b elo n g in g to a n ew order, a cosm ic order. I receive this im pression, I b ecom e conscious o f it. T h is im p res­ sion cou ld n o w b ecom e part o f m y P resence. It is here to help m e, and it can help m e i f I co n n ect it to o th er sim ilar im pressions. By associat­ in g it w ith these o th er im pressions, I can m ake it appear consciously. I m ust w a tch w ith a vo lu n ta ry atten tion to keep the conscious im pres­ sion o f m y s e lf as lon g as possible. W e can have accidental m om en ts o f rem em b erin g due to con ­ scious and u n co n scio u s im pressions. T h ese im pressions recu r in us, w e k n o w not how . But th ey escape and are lost because th ey are not con­ nected, not associated volun tarily. W e h ave no vo lu n tary attitude w h e n w e experience th em , and co n seq u en tly th ey are b o u n d to lead to blind reaction. I need to find an attitude that is m ore conscious w ith respect to them . W h e n I see that I am n o t the sam e fro m one m om en t to the next, I feel the need to h ave a p o in t o f reference. I have to m ea­ sure these d ifferences in m y state in relation to so m eth in g that is al­ w a y s the sam e. A ll m y w o rk w ill th en revo lve around this point. For m e this reference is m y actual u n d erstan d in g o f w h a t it is to be a con ­ scious being. T h ere m ust be a sacrifice to sustain the fee lin g o f Presence I have at the m om en t o f an effort. I have to accept vo lu n tarily to g iv e up m y o rd in a ry w ill, to m ake it serve. E v e ry th in g depends on m y active par­ ticipation. In general, I put to o m u ch em phasis on not bein g taken, on not losin g m y state. I fo rget at w h a t point I need help. I trust so m eth in g that w ill n ever sustain m e, and I do n o t pray for so m eth in g higher, so m eth in g in m y s e lf that is finer. So, n o th in g sustains m e and I am d eprived o f w h a t I need. It can n ot be o th erw ise. F eelin g passes th ro u g h phases that are lin ked to attention. In b e ­ co m in g active, the atten tion acquires a finer q u a lity and becom es ca­ pable o f g ra sp in g w h a t is ta k in g place o n o th er levels, w h ere vibrations h ave a d ifferent w a ve len gth . W h e n I have a fee lin g o f m y P resence, I

The Need to Know

27

am con n ected w ith h igh er forces. A t the sam e tim e, I am co n n ected w ith lo w er forces. I am in b etw e en . I can n ot have a sense o f m y s e lf w ith o u t the participation o f the lo w er forces th at w o r k in m e. A co n ­ scious attention m eans so m eth in g that is b e tw e e n tw o w orlds. W h a t is d ifficu lt to understan d is that w ith o u t consciou s effort, n o th in g is possible. C o n scio u s effort is related to h igh er nature. M y low er nature alone can n ot lead m e to consciousness. It is blind. But w h en I w a k e up and I feel that I b elo n g to a h igh er w o rld , th is is o n ly part o f conscious effort. I b ecom e tru ly conscious o n ly w h e n I op en to all m y possibilities, h igh er and low er. T h ere is valu e o n ly in conscious effort.

12. The sacred manifests as inner consciousness W e are seekin g to approach the u n k n o w n , to open the d oor to w h a t is hidden in us and pass beyond. It is necessary to subm it en tirely to an inner voice, to a feelin g o f the divine, o f the sacred in us, but w e can do it o n ly in part. T h e sacred m anifests as inn er consciousness. T h e divine, G od, m ust be fou nd w ith in . Tru th , the o n ly truth, is in consciousness. E v e ry th in g that exists is constitu ted o f th ree forces. T h e y can be represented as the Father, the active force; the Son, the passive force; and the H oly Spirit, the n e u tra lizin g force. T h e Father creates the Son. T h e Son returns to the Father. T h e force that descends is the one that w ish es to return, to g o b a ck up. In m an it is the m in d th at is opposed to the body. T h e n e u tra lizin g force is the w ish that u n ites them , con n ects them . E v e ry th in g com es fro m the w ish , the w ill. T o represent G o d , it is n ecessary to represent these three forces. W h e re the th ree forces are reunited, G o d is. W h ere ou r attention is, G o d is. W h e n tw o forces are opposed and a th ird u nites them , G o d is here. W e can say, "L ord, have m ercy o n m e.” W e can ask for help, to come to this in ourselves. T h e o n ly help is this. O u r aim is this, to contain, to u n ite these th ree forces in us . . . to Be.

II

OPENING TO PRESENCE

The moment o f receiving an impression is the moment o f becoming conscious. Consciousness is always consciousness o f self I need to feel that this Presence form s itse lf in me. It is only by working to be present that my attention w ill develop. In each event o f life there is a double movement o f involution and evolution. The effort I can make w ith my ordinary means, the only effort that is incum bent on me, is one o f voluntary passivity— a conscious effort. The attitude we take, our inner and outer posture, is at the same time our aim and our way.

I N A PASSIVE STATE

13. M y functions are passive W h atev er the state in w h ich I find m y se lf at this m om ent, w h a tever the sense o f the force I m anifest, the highest possibilities are here, hidden b y the th ick screen o f m y passivity in b eliev in g in m y self-sufficiency. M y destiny b egin s w h en I feel the call o f an other force in m e and respond to it voluntarily. T h is is m y first v o lu n ta ry act, b eco m in g available to a reality that changes m y pu rp ose for living. I am here in order to hear this force, not to exp ect so m eth in g fro m it or to appropriate it. I am here to understand the actio n that w ill create th e p o ssib ility o f a re­ sponsible life. A s I am today, I feel em pty, livin g w ith o u t m eaning, w ith o u t a real aim , w ith ou t purpose. I am here sim ply because I have been created. A n d I feel m y life g o b y w ith o u t any sense o f direction, all the w h ile sug­ gestible, subject to w h at I hope, w h at I expect, w h at I have to do, w h at all this m eans. M y functions are passive, under the influence and at the m ercy o f ev ery th in g that touches them . M y th in k in g hears w ords it b e­ lieves it understands, and im m ediately has associations. M y feeling, on the lookout for w h at pleases or displeases m e, is curious or refuses. A nd m y b o d y is heavy, digestin g or lo u n gin g in its torpor. I feel m y se lf pas­ sive. W h en I have to m anifest, to express m yself, I sim ply react to the

3i

32

O P E N I N G TO P R E S E N C E

im pression received according to the w a y m y centers have been edu­ cated. I o n ly see form s— things and persons— never forces. I never re­ spond from vision, fro m an understanding o f reality. T h a t in m e w h ich is m ore tru ly “I” does not appear. A ll inner and outer events seem like a dream because I do not feel tru ly touched. W h a t is it that im pressions do not reach? W h a t is it in m e that does not feel touched to the core? I w ish to see m yself. But the e n erg y o f m y loo kin g, m y seeing, is passive. I see w h a t I lo o k at o n ly th ro u g h an im age, an idea. So I do not really see, I am n o t in d irect con tact w ith w h a t I see. H eld passive b y the idea, m y atten tion is not free. I react to the im age o f w h a t I see, and th in gs repeat in the sam e w a y indefinitely. M y th in k in g reacts auto­ m atically, m a k in g com parisons and o b e y in g com m an d s fro m all the m aterial accu m u lated o ver tim e. C a n I have a th in k in g that is m ore active and n ot co n tin u ally occu pied in d ra w in g fro m its m em ory? Such th in k in g w o u ld hold its e lf in fro n t o f a fact, sensitive and receptive, w ith o u t m a k in g any ju d g m e n t or su ggestion , w ith o u t any thoughts. It w o u ld hold its e lf sim ply b y an u rg e n cy to k n o w the truth. T h is th in k­ in g w o u ld be lik e a light. It w o u ld be able to see. M y sensin g is also passive. I sense m y s e lf as a fam iliar form to w h ich I retu rn again and again, a fo rm th at corresponds to m y usual w a y o f th in k in g . C a n I h ave a sensin g th at is m ore active, aw akened en tirely to the en erg y it receives? T h is sensing, like this th in k in g, w o u ld b e w ith o u t any m o tive to possess. W h e n I exp erien ce this m ore active th in k in g and sensing together, I d iscover a n e w w ish , a feelin g o f u rg en cy to be like this. It is o n ly at the m om en t this in ten sity appears— o f w is h in g to see, o f w ish in g to k n o w what is— that I aw a k e to m y s e lf and to w h a t I am as a w h ole. I aw ake not in order to ch an ge bu t to k n o w the true, the real. W h a t has ch an ged is m y attitude. It is m ore conscious. A n d I see that if this active w is h in g is not here, I w ill fall b a ck into m y dream . M y w is h in g to k n o w and understand takes precedence o ver ev ery ­ th in g. It is n o t ju s t an idea in m y head, o r a p articu lar sensation or e m o ­ tion. It asks e v e ry th in g o f m e all at once. C a n I learn to listen to it?

In a Passive State

33

14. I need impressions o f myself In m y state o f bein g tod ay there is no stability, no "I." I do not k n o w m yself. I b eg in to feel I m u st com e to a m om en t o f Presen ce th at is m ore com plete. W h a t I need above all is to have an im pression— as deep as possible— o f m yself. I n ever h ave a deep im pression. M y im ­ pressions are superficial. T h e y ju st produce associations at the surface, w h ich leave no m e m o ry and ch a n g e n o th in g , tra n sfo rm n oth in g. G u rd jieff spoke o f im pressions as food, but w e do not understan d w h a t it m eans to feed o urselves o r its significance for o u r being. I am p o o r in the m aterial o f im pressions o f m yself. W h a t I have is so little, it has no w eigh t. If I really w a n t to k n o w so m eth in g, to be sure o f som eth in g, I first need to be "im p ressed ” b y the k n o w led ge . I need this n e w kn o w led ge. I m u st be “ im p ressed ” b y it so stron gly that I w ill at this m om en t know it w ith all o f m yself, m y w h o le bein g, not m erely think it w ith m y head. I f I do not h ave en o u g h im pressions, en o u g h o f this bein g-kn ow led ge, I can have no con viction . W ith o u t th is k n o w l­ edge, w ith o u t m aterial, h o w w ill I valu e things? H o w w ill I w ork? T h ere is n o th in g to provid e an im pulse in one d irectio n o r another. T h ere is no possib ility to act consciously. So, the v e ry first th in g I need for conscious action is im pressions o f m yself, b o th in qu iet conditions w h en I am m ore open to w h a t I am , and in the m idst o f life w h e n I try to see m y s e lf b ein g lost. U n til I have a certain q u a n tity o f im pressions, I can n ot see fu rther, I can n ot understan d m ore. W e th in k o f im pressions as lifeless, fixed lik e a photograph. But w ith ev ery im pression w e receive a certain am o u n t o f energy, so m e­ th in g alive that acts on us, that anim ates us. I can feel th is w h en I have a n e w im pression o f m yself, an im pression en tirely d ifferent fro m the w a y I u su a lly exp erien ce m yself. I su d d en ly k n o w so m e th in g real in m y s e lf in quite a n e w w ay, and I receive an e n erg y b y w h ic h I am ani­ m ated. But then I lose it, I do not retain it. It g o es as i f tak en b y a thief. A n d w h en I need it m ost, w h e n I w ish to b e present in fro n t o f m y life, there is no support to help m e and I lose m yself. I b e g in to see that

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im pressions o f m y s e lf are fo o d , that th ey b rin g an en erg y w h ich m ust be received and m ust be retained. W e need to see w h a t is in the way, and w e need to understand w h y receivin g an im pression is so d ifficu lt. It is n o t b ecause I do not w ish to receive it. It is because I am not able. I am alw ays closed, w h a tever the circu m stan ces o f life. A t tim es, m aybe for a flash I am open to an im ­ pression. But alm ost im m ed ia tely I react. T h e im pression is autom ati­ ca lly associated w ith o th er th in gs and the reaction com es. T h e button is pushed and this o r that th ou gh t, em o tio n or gestu re m ust follow . I can n ot help it, first o f all becau se I do not see it. M y reaction cuts m e o ff fro m the im pression, as w e ll as fro m the reality it represents. T h is is the barrier, the w a ll. In reactin g, I close. W h a t I do not see is that I lose all contact w ith reality w h en m y ha­ bitual fun ctions take charge. N ow , for exam ple, I turn to m y b o d y and sense that m y b o d y is here. I sense m y left arm — that is, I have an im pres­ sion o f m y left arm . A s soon as this im pression reaches m e, it provokes m y thought, w h ich says, “a r m . . . left arm .” A n d at the m om ent I say this to m yself, I lose the im pression. In th in k in g o f the arm , I believe I k n o w it. I have m ore trust in the th ou ght than in the fact, the real existence o f the arm . But the though t o f the arm is not the fact. A n d it is the same w ith m y o w n reality. I have the im pression o f life in m yself, but as soon as I th in k “ It is m e,” I lose it. I take m y th ou gh t to be the fact itself and believe I k n o w it. W ith this credulity, this blind b e lie f in m y thought, I no longer have any question or any interest in receivin g the impression. I am unable to take in im pressions consciously. T h erefo re, I do not k n o w m yself. A t the sam e tim e I need this m ore than a n y th in g else. If I can n ot receive an im pression o f m yself, I w ill n ever be able to rem em ­ ber m y s e lf and k n o w w h a t I am . T h e m om en t o f receivin g an im p res­ sion is the m om en t o f b e c o m in g conscious. It is the act o f seeing.

15. Hypnotized by my mind A n inatten tive m in d is filled w ith th ou ghts. In a passive state it is co n ­ stantly crea tin g im ages and ap p lyin g th em to w h a t I observe. T h e im ­

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ages provok e pleasure o r pain, w h ich is record ed in m y m em ory, and illusions form around desires for satisfaction. In o b serv in g fro m a fixed van tage point, this m in d creates a kin d o f separation, an opposition, a ju d g e that reacts to e v e ry th in g w ith a p reco n cep tio n based on w h a t has b een learned. T h is in n er disposition is one o f the greatest obstacles to receivin g im pressions, any im pression— ju d g in g oneself, ju d g in g another, ju d g in g others, ju d g in g . . . no m atter w h at. In tru th , o u r en­ tire life is colored, even d irected, b y this tendency, w h ich is stron ger than w e are. W h e n e v e r and w h erev er it arises, th is ju d g in g show s that o u r o rd in ary “ I” is involved. T h ere is not a m om en t in the day w h en w e stop ju d g in g , even w h en w e are alone. It keeps us in ferociou s slav­ ery, enslaved b y w h a t w e believe w e k n o w and w h a t w e b e liev e o u r­ selves to be. T h ere is in m e an essential e n erg y that is the basis o f all that exists. I do not feel it because m y atten tion is occu pied b y e v e ry th in g con ­ tained in m y m em o ry — thoughts, im ages, desires, disappointm ents, physical im pressions. I do not k n o w w h a t I am . It seem s that I am n o th ­ ing. Yet so m eth in g tells m e to loo k, to listen, to seek seriously and truly. W h e n I try to listen, I see that I am stopped b y th ou gh ts and feel­ ings o f all kinds. I listen poorly; I am not quiet en o u g h to hear, to feel. W h a t I w ish to k n o w is m ore subtle. I do not have the attention that is required. I have not yet seen the d ifference b e tw e e n a fixed attention co m in g from o n ly one part o f m y s e lf and a free attention attached to n oth in g, held back b y n o th in g, w h ic h in volves all the centers at the sam e tim e. M y usual attention is cau gh t in one part and rem ain s taken b y the m ovem ent, the fu n ctio n in g o f this part. For exam p le, I th in k about w h at I am feelin g, and m y th o u g h t responds in place o f m e. It answ ers w ith a k n o w led ge that is not true, not an im m ed iate k n o w in g . M y th ou gh ts are m erely the expression o f w h a t is stored in m y m em ory, not revelations o f so m eth in g new. T h is th in k in g is en closed in a n ar­ ro w space w ith in m yself. A lw a y s p reoccu pied, it holds b a ck m y atten­ tion in this space, isolated fro m the rest o f m e, fro m m y b o d y and feeling. W ith m y attention co n tin u ally projected fro m one th o u g h t to

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another, fro m one im age to an oth er in a flo w in g curren t, I am h y p n o ­ tized b y m y m ind. T h ese th o u g h ts— and all m y desires, affections, fears— are co n n ected o n ly b y habits or attachm ents, w h ich lin k each one to th e next. M y atten tion is cau gh t in th is cu rren t because I have n ever fu lly realize d that it w as g iv en to m e for anoth er purpose. C o u ld m y m in d be silent in its perception? C o u ld it perceive w ith ­ o u t re co g n iz in g and n am in g, that is, w ith o u t separating to be som eone w h o looks, ju d g e s and kn ow s? For this, I w o u ld need an attention I do not kn o w , an atten tion n ever separated fro m w h a t it observes, a llo w ­ in g a total experien ce w ith o u t ex clu d in g an yth in g. It is o n ly w h e n I exclude n o th in g that I am free to observe and understand m yself. W h e n m y brain can be active, sensitive, alive in a state o f attentive im ­ m obility, there is a m o v em en t o f an ex tra o rd in a ry q u ality that does not b elo n g ju st to the th in k in g , the sensation or the em otion. It is a w h o lly d ifferen t m o v em en t that leads to tru th , to w h a t w e cann ot nam e. T h e atten tion is total, w ith o u t any d is tra c tio n .. . . In th is state I w ish to see i f I am capable o f "not k n o w in g ,” o f not p u ttin g a nam e on w h a t I perceive. I h ave a sensation o f m yself, w h ich m y habitual th o u g h t calls "body," but I do not k n o w w h a t it is, I have no nam e for w h a t is here. I am aw are o f tensions, even the sm allest, but I do not k n o w w h a t tension is. T h e n I feel b reath in g, w h ich I do not k n o w . . . in a b o d y that I do not kn o w , su rrou n d ed b y people I do not know . . . . M y m in d b ecom es quiet. I b eg in to see that real k n o w in g is possible o n ly in the m om en t w h e n m y atten tion is fu ll, w h en consciousness fills ev eryth in g . T h en there are no d istin ction s— one th in g is not m ore th an another. T h ere is p ure existence. T h e creative act is the visio n o f w h a t takes place. I learn to w atch .

16. W hat is up to me O n e feels a g rea ter w is h to k n o w oneself. But w e do not feel en ou gh dem and, w e do not feel the necessity for a conscious effort. W e k n o w there is so m eth in g to do, an effort to be m ade. But w h a t effort? T h e

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question is not experienced. A s soon as it appears, w e either dism iss it or try to an sw er w ith o u r o rd in a ry m eans. I do n o t see that to face the question I need to prepare m yself. I have to gath er all m y force, to re­ m em ber m yself. A s I try to rem em b er m yself, I see w h ere m y w is h com es from . It is from m y o rd in a ry "I.” So lo n g as the im pulse com es fro m the posses­ siveness at the core o f m y personality, it w ill not b rin g the freed om necessary for a perception that is direct. W h e n I see this . . . I h ave the im pression o f b e in g a little freer. . . . But I w ish to keep this freed om , and the w a y I w ish com es again fro m possessiveness. It is lik e fin d in g freedom fro m the influ en ce o n ly to fall b a ck u nd er it again, as th ou gh fo llo w in g a m ovem en t in w ard to w ard the m ore real and th en a m o v e­ m ent o u tw a rd aw ay fro m the real. I f I am able to o b serve and live this, I w ill see that these tw o m ovem en ts are not separate. T h e y are one and the sam e process. A n d I need to feel them lik e the ebb and flo w o f a tide, w ith a keen attention that does n o t let its e lf be carried aw ay and that, b y its vision, keeps a balance. A m I capable o f d istin gu ish in g in m y s e lf a passive state fro m an active state? A t this m om en t m y force is here w ith o u t direction, at the m ercy o f w h a tever m ay take it. It is not en tirely occupied in m o v in g tow ard a desired goal. I listen, and I lo o k in m yself, but I am not active. T h e en ergy b ein g used to o b serve is n o t intense. M y attention is not in contact w ith m yself, w ith what is. It does not have a q u a lity o f p ercep­ tion that can liberate, that can ch an ge m y state. So, I am passive. M y b o d y obeys n o th in g and m y feelin g is indifferent. M y th o u g h t is tra­ versed b y ideas and im ages, and has n o reason to free itse lf fro m them . In this passive state m y centers are not related, th ey have no co m m o n direction. I am em pty. . . . Yet, as I feel a need to be present, I see that w h en m y th o u g h t is m ore v o lu n ta rily tu rn ed to w a rd m yself, a sensa­ tion appears— a sensation o f m yself. I experience it. . . . A n d then, I let m y th ou ght w ander, and I see that the sensation d im inish es and d isap­ pears. . . . But I com e b a ck to m yself, quietly, v e r y a tte n tiv e ,. . . and the sensation reappears. I see that the inten sity o f one depends on the in ­ tensity o f the other. A n d this calls fo rth a fee lin g for th is relation. T h e

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th ree parts o f m e are en gaged in the sam e aim , that is, to be present. But their relation is unstable. T h e y do not k n o w h o w to listen to each o th er or w h a t it w o u ld m ea n to be attuned. W h a t is m ost im p ortan t tod ay is to open to this n e w state that I can n ot describe, to an experience o f . . . Presence on w h ich I can put no nam e. W h e n I am qu iet I feel this action on m e. I do n o th in g m yself. But m y feelin g is touched. T h e re is an u n k n o w n feelin g, w h ich is not lin ked to an attach m en t to m y person. It is a feelin g that k n o w s di­ rectly. W h e n it is here, n o th in g in m e is isolated. I feel the w h oleness o f Presence. But it o n ly appears w h e n m y th in k in g is free, capable o f b e­ in g here w ith o u t w ords. W h e n the th in k in g changes, the feelin g changes. T h e b o d y also needs to adapt, to b e attuned. I do not k n o w h o w the relation com es about. W h e n it is established, it alw ays seem s to be m iracu lou s, and I see it as not d ep en d in g on me. But to establish it depends v e ry m u ch on m e. I m ust see w h a t is up to me. I need to learn first to render each part passive so as to receive a m ore active force. E v e ry th in g is a question o f forces. O u r existence, o u r P resence here below , is also a question o f forces. N o th in g belongs to us, n o th in g is ours. W e are here either to transm it forces or to tran s­ form th em i f w e understan d how . It is n ecessary first to feel these forces in a distin ct w ay, to feel each in itself, and th en to feel th em togeth er in order to create a n e w force able to co n fro n t the others, able to last, able to be.

A N E X P E R I E N C E OF P R E S E N C E

17. The awareness o f “being here” T h ere is in m e so m eth in g v e ry real, the self, b u t I am alw ays closed to it, d em an din g that e v e ry th in g outside p ro v e it to m e. I am alw ays on the surface, turn ed to w ard the outside in order to take so m eth in g or to defend m yself. Yet there is perhaps another attitude, anoth er disposi­ tion, in w h ich I have n o th in g to take, I h ave o n ly to receive. I need to receive an im pression that n o th in g outside can g iv e m e— an im pres­ sion o f bein g, o f m y se lf h a v in g a sense, a m eaning. T h e m o v em en t o f k n o w in g is a m ovem en t o f abandon. It is n ecessary to open one's hands. In m om en ts o f greater attention, I have an aw areness o f “ b ein g here”— a look, a light, a consciousness that kn o w s. C on sciou sn ess is here. I cann ot doubt it. A n d y et I do n o t tru st it, I do n o t feel it as “I,” as m y essential nature. I believe I can lo o k for consciousness, see co n ­ sciousness, k n o w it. W e take consciousness as an object o f observation. But w e can n ot see consciousness. It is consciousness that sees and that know s. I rea lize this i f I experien ce it as co m in g fro m b eh in d m y b o d y or from above. T h e re is no observer, there is a k n o w in g . Yet i f I ex p eri­ ence consciousness as in m y body, it seem s that th e "I” is the b o d y and consciousness an attribute o f the body. I b eg in to feel w h at it m eans to be tru e, that is, the m om en t w h en m y th o u g h t k n o w s its e lf as it is and m y fe e lin g k n o w s its e lf as it is.

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A n o th e r k in d o f th in k in g appears— im m o b ile, w ith o u t w ords, capa­ ble o f c o n ta in in g m y u su a l th o u g h t— and th ere is a feelin g o f m y es­ sence, a fee lin g that is not o f m y fo rm bu t th at can con tain the form . I have then a n e w th in k in g and a n e w fe e lin g th at see the fact, th at see what is. So, the o n ly reality for m e tod ay is in m y effort to be present to m yself. N o th in g else is real. E v e ry th in g is distorted b y the veil o f m y m ind, w h ich prevents m e fro m b ein g in contact w ith the nature o f things. I m ust first g o tow ard m y o w n nature, aw ake to the conscious­ ness o f "I,” and be atten tive o n ly to this. C onsciou sness is alw ays con­ sciousness o f self. W e can call the S e lf w h a teve r w e w ish — the seat o f consciousness, even G o d . T h e point is that it is the center, the v e ry core o f o u r bein g, w ith o u t w h ich there is noth ing. I have to learn to concentrate m y atten tion to w ard this center and stay here. I n eed to understan d this act o f Presence, th is active m o v e­ m ent o f Presence, w h ic h is alw ays th reaten ed b y a passive m ovem en t in the opposite d irection . I am aw are o f a reality that I can n ot possess. It is m yself, w h a t I am in the depth o f m y bein g. Yet I feel that to recog­ n iz e it requ ires so m eth in g o f m e . . . I k n o w n o t w h at. T h is reality b e­ lon gs to a level o f perceptio n I have n ever explored. M y avidity separates m e fro m it and prevents m e fro m u n d erstan d in g m y tru e place. I al­ w a y s w a n t to get or take w h a t is due to m e, w ith o u t feelin g the respect that alone w ill a llo w an u n co n ditio n al openin g. I b eg in to rea lize that w h a t I am try in g to approach is not o n ly m ine, not o n ly in m e, but im m en se and m u ch m ore essential. In front o f this, m y tensions let g o one after the o ther u n til the m om en t I feel, as a g ift o f unity, a co llected P resence. T h is b rin gs w ith it a question— a question o f existence. It is in doubt at each m om en t, n ever certain, never assured, alw ays so u n k n o w a b le that it requires e v e ry th in g o f m e. N o w I exist w ith a sense o f a m ysteriou s force that can n ot be nam ed, w h ich has led m e to th is unity. T o w h a t in flu en ce am I open ­ ing? . . . I w ish to know . I am here. I am n o t closed, im prison ed in one part o f m y bein g. I am consciou s o f b e in g a w h ole.

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18. Conscious o f inner being I exist w ith o u t k n o w in g how . M y existen ce its e lf is a qu estion to w h ich I am obliged to respond, w h eth er or not I so w ish . M y response is in the w a y I exist at the v e ry m om en t, and the kin d o f action in w h ich I am engaged. A t ev ery d egree o f aw areness m y response is strictly cond i­ tioned b y m y state o f bein g. T h e ch allen ge in the qu estion is alw ays new. It is the response that is old, creatin g a separation fro m the qu es­ tion. T h is is becau se in the response the o rd in a ry “I” is in play. W h a t does it m ean to “rem em b er o n e se lf” ? It is not to rem em b er the person I represent— m y body, m y p osition in life, m y obligations. It is to becom e conscious o f m y inn er being. I w is h to be w h o le, unified, one, w h a t I essen tially am . W h e n I feel this w ish , it is as th o u g h m y w h o le orientation changes. In all the parts o f m yself, freely and w ith ­ out m y d oin g an y th in g, a m ovem en t takes place to w a rd a certain Pres­ ence. For this m o v em en t to fo llo w its cou rse I have to o b ey and be w h o lly attuned. Its force depends en tirely on the tra n q u illity o f all m y centers and on the freed o m o f m y attention. I need to feel that this Presence form s itself in me. In loo kin g, I b eg in to see that I have to be in contact w ith all m y centers at the sam e tim e. Som etim es in one part, som etim es in an­ other, the flo w o f en erg y is to o stron g or too w e a k . I f I am to o m u ch in m y head, the m o vem en t does not take place. T o o m u ch in m y feelin g or too m u ch in m y body, it is the sam e. T h ere m u st be a corresp on d in g intensity ev ery w h ere. W h a t is im p ortan t is a conscious attention, o f a kind that I do n o t kn o w . I can feel th is o n ly in quietness, in a tra n ­ q u illity that is g rea ter and greater. T h e P resen ce w h ich is here acts on m e, takes ch arge o f m e. But I m u st w is h it, w ill it. T h is is th e p resence o f “ I.” I learn to p u rify m y p o w e r o f seeing, n o t b y d ism issin g w h a t is undesirable or tu rn in g aw ay and settlin g o n the agreeable. I learn to see e v e ry th in g w ith o u t refu sin g the details. I learn to see clearly. I see that all th in gs have the sam e im portan ce, and I accept failu re as g o o d

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for m e. I b e g in again a th ou san d tim es. E v e ry th in g depends on this seeing. I am not try in g to find o r to do som eth in g. But I feel the w e ig h t o f the im agin atio n o f m yself, the w e ig h t o f this im age that I feel co m ­ p elled to sustain all the tim e in a vio len t battle to preserve its con tin u ­ ity. A n d beh in d it, I am aw are o f em ptiness, a void. . . . I do not k n o w w h o I am . Yet I can n ot k n o w the em ptiness because the place is o ccu ­ pied. W h e n I see this, th e w is h to know arises in m e — not to k n o w a specific th in g, bu t to k n o w w h o is here, w h a t I am at this v e ry m o ­ m ent. T h e place is taken. I feel it in the tensions, in the ideas that cross m y m ind w ith o u t stopping, in the w a ves o f em otion s that respond. I do not try to resist, n or to w ith d ra w or d istract m yself. T h is is the w a y I am . I accept it. A n d in liv in g it, I see it as it is, as i f I see fu rther, th ro u gh it, b e c o m in g m ore and m ore free. I see m y inattention. I realize that m y b ein g depends on this p o w e r o f seeing, and that I am free not to take one part o f m y s e lf for the w h o le, free not to be isolated in one part. I need to d evelop an attention that is pure and sufficiently intense not to be d iverted b y su bjective reactions. I retu rn tirelessly to the root o f m y perception. In this m o v em en t m y atten tion purifies itself and little b y little elim in ates the elem ents fo reign to a d irect perception. O n ly the im pression o f reality rem ains.

19. A n echo o f “I ” A right effort to be present requ ires a force th at is conscious o f the di­ rection it w ish es to take and that has the w ill to act. T h e attention co m ­ in g fro m the d ifferen t centers m ust be here in a righ t prop ortion and rem ain en gaged as a conscious P resence. But it is constan tly threat­ ened b y w h a t d raw s it outside. W e need to b eco m e conscious o f this attraction. T h e re is a w ish to m ove, a desire to create, to act. T h e re is also a w ish to be m oved , to be d raw n , to obey. T h ese tw o forces are con stan tly here, in us. T o co n fro n t th em vo lu n tarily at a g iv en point can p rod u ce a co ncentration o f en erg y that has its o w n independent

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life. It is in the frictio n b e tw e e n these forces that the q u a lity w h ich re­ unites th em can appear. Behind all the vicissitud es o f life, b eh in d all m y cares, so rro w s and joys, there is so m eth in g that is greater, so m eth in g I can feel that gives m e m eaning. I feel I exist in relation to this greatness. It is outside m e, but also in m e. A n d it is in m e that I k n o w it— this life, this vibratio n so fine that I feel its g ran d eu r because I feel its purity. I feel it as an echo, as a feelin g o f “I” in the contact b e tw e e n m y th o u g h t and m y sensation. T h is relation reveals that I am a unity, a w h o le, and that I can exist as a w hole. T h e ech o is w h a t I can k n o w tod ay o f an other n atu re in m yself, co m in g fro m an other w o rld th ro u g h m y h igh er centers. I feel it reso ­ nate in the fo rm o f a fine vibration, to w h ich I try to attu ne all the parts o f m yself. T h is calls for a q u a lity o f attention that w ill a llo w it to go tow ard this vibration and sustain a con tact w ith it. I n eed an e n e rg y o f a v e ry special kind, an intense en erg y that is active en o u g h to rem ain alive in fron t o f m y th ou gh ts and feelings. T h is en erg y does not let itself g o d o w n or be in flu en ced b y an yth in g. M y w ish to b e present to m y se lf includes this activity. M y thou ghts and em otion s are an im ated b y e n erg y o f a different level. In o rder to understand th eir n ature, I n eed to see and k n o w them as facts. T h e y com e fro m an other source, an influ en ce o f inertia that holds m e in its tem po. I m u st place m y s e lf und er a m ore active in flu ­ ence i f I w ish to be free. T h a t is, I h ave to find in m y s e lf an e n e rg y o f attention that is stron g and sensitive en ou gh to hold the m ovem en ts o f inertia under its look. I m ust not lose sight o f them ; I have to live w ith them . T h ese m ovem en ts are here and th ey are a constan t attraction. If I do not see th em as th ey are, I g iv e th em an oth er value. I tru st them and g ive m y se lf to them , d ep rivin g th em and m y s e lf o f all m eaning. T h erefore, in order to k n o w m yself, I m u st agree to enter the field o f search. It is o n ly b y w o rk in g to b e present that m y atten tion w ill develop. W h e n it has a b etter quality, I stru gg le to keep it fro m w e a k en in g , I try to prevent its b ein g taken. I try bu t cann ot, and I try again. I b e g in to understand w h a t this requ ires fro m m e ev en i f I can n ot do it. In the

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stru gg le w h ere I co m e b a ck and then g o again tow ard m anifestation, I see that w h e n m y attention is com pletely taken, it is en tirely lost to me. But i f it does not g o to o far, it can be p u lled back, as b y a m agnet. In that m o v em en t o f m y attention, I learn so m eth in g o f its nature. I w ill have to g o to w ard m an ifestation, and I w ill alw ays lose m y s e lf unless m y attention goes bo th to w ard life and to w ard the inside. W e th in k it is one attention d ivided equally, bu t in fact the parts are not equal, not the sam e. T h ere is a g reat difference that I need to experience. I f I can n ot cen ter m y effort in a certain w ay, I am bo u n d to lose m yself. I m u st see that I can n ot do it becau se I do not have the qu a lity o f atten tion that is required. H ere is m y effort, here is w h a t I have to exercise. T h is is the o n ly th in g that m atters.

20. Tw o currents W h a t w e are in o u r essence— o u r h igh est possibilities— w e do not kn o w . W h a t w e are in o u r person— the im placable co n d itio n in g that defines u s— w e also do not know . W e id en tify w ith o u r person, ig n o ­ rant o f the relation that should exist b e tw e e n it and o u r essence. Yet inn er d evelo p m en t b eg in s w ith the capacity to k n o w m yself, to under­ stand m y en tire self. I have to k n o w that I have a double nature, that there are tw o forces in m e: the d escen d in g force o f m an ifestation and an ascending force retu rn in g to the source. I have to experien ce th em here at the sam e tim e in order to k n o w m y s e lf as a w h ole. T h ere m ust be som e reason w h y I am here, so m eth in g that is needed for a relation b etw e en the tw o . T h is is the m ea n in g o f m y Presence. In each even t in life— w h e th e r fam ily, professional or inn er life— there is a double m o v em en t o f in volu tio n and evolution. T h e action is d irected to w ard an aim , to w ard m an ifestation, but beh in d it is som e­ th in g that has no aim , that does n o t p roject itse lf but returns to the source. T h ese tw o cu rren ts are indispensable to each other. W e k n o w in th e o ry that the tw o cu rren ts exist, but w e are not re­ ally conscious o f them . I do not k n o w en o u g h the ascendin g current. I

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do not have in m yself, at the tim e I w ish , the elem ents that w o u ld al­ lo w m e to feel its life, to feel m y life. T h e o th er cu rren t I do not k n o w either, because I am b lin d ly im m ersed in it. Yet w ith o u t th e visio n o f the tw o currents, the w is h to be present at a g iv e n place and a g iven tim e has no sense. I need a constant visio n o f th em in order to see the point o f application o f the attention and o f the w ill, the w ill n o t to lose m yself. W ith m y attention tod ay I can n ot b e aw are at th e sam e tim e o f tw o m ovem en ts g o in g in opposite directions. I am taken b y one m o v e­ m ent and ign ore or oppose the other. N evertheless, I have to accept that the tw o cu rren ts d eterm ine m y life, and that I h ave tw o natures in m yself. I m ust learn to see the lo w e r n atu re and at the sam e tim e re­ m em ber the higher. T h e stru gg le is in liv in g th e tw o together. I need to have a conscious im pression o f these tw o aspects o f m yself, at first independently o f each other, th en sim ultaneously. O n e n atu re m ust serve the other. But w h a t does it m ean to serve? I m ust find m y real place and accept it. It is I w h o is called to be here. I m ust see that i f I am not present, I serve o n ly m y o rd in a ry s e lf and g o to w ard the d estru c­ tion o f w h a t I tru ly am . So b etw e en these tw o cu rren ts th en there is n oth in g, there is nobody. W h a t is im portan t is that the tw o curren ts be established in me, h a vin g a definite relation that is m ain tained . U ntil n o w the d escend in g curren t alone has b een the m aster o f m y Presence, w ith o u t b e in g con ­ fronted. T h e ascend in g cu rren t has its source in the w ill to be— not “w ill” in the u su al sense but in the sense o f the "w ish to be.” It is neces­ sary above all to d isen gage this w ill, to m ake ro o m for it. I m u st accept b ein g passive, really passive in order th at an active vib ratio n can be perceived by m y feeling. T h e effort I can m ake w ith m y ord in ary m eans, the o n ly effort that is in cu m b en t on m e, is one o f vo lu n tary passivity— a conscious effort.

A M O V E M E N T OF A V A I L A B I L I T Y

21. A new way o f functioning T h e state o f m y b ein g tod ay is cond itioned b y m y w a y o f th in kin g, feel­ in g and sensing, w h ic h takes all m y atten tion and restricts m e to a nar­ r o w part o f m yself. In order for m e to g o beyo n d this, there m ust appear in m e a n e w w a y o f fu n ctio n in g. I have to discover the total ineffectiven ess, th e in sufficiency, o f m y th ou gh ts and feelin gs as a m eans to approach the tru e n atu re o f m yself. T h e autom atic fu n ctio n ­ in g o f m y th o u g h t and fee lin g com es b e tw e e n the w o rld as it is— w h at I really am — and the p erception I have o f it. T h e state in w h ich I live is w ith o u t order, visio n or aim . I am here w ith o u t k n o w in g w h y or w h at I serve. Each o f m y fu n ctio n s responds to im pressions as th ou gh it w ere alone, fro m its point o f v ie w based on w h a t it kn o w s. But the fu n ctions can n ot separately perceive reality, w h ich includes a m u ch h igh er en­ ergy. T h e ir force is too passive. For u n d erstan d in g in the ligh t o f co n ­ sciousness, the fu n ctio n s m ust all be attu n ed and u nited in a single m o vem en t o f availability. If there is any distance b e tw e en them , the co m m o n aim is lost and the b lin d fu n ctio n acts accord ing to its habit. T h u s th e first th in g to u nd erstan d is this availability o f m y th ou gh t, m y b o d y and m y fee lin g to receive together, at the sam e tim e, an im ­ pression that th ey can n ot k n o w in advance. E ve ry th in g th ey k n o w is

46

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not the im m ed iate p erception o f w h a t is here, now , w h e n th ey are quiet. A n d I m ust pass th ro u gh the disappoin tm en t o f seein g that their intervention, in w h ich I alw ays b elieve, o n ly brin gs im ages o f the k n o w n instead o f d irect experience. T h e n perhaps I w ill b e g in to u n ­ derstand w h y this tea ch in g places such im p ortan ce on the fact that our centers w o rk w ith o u t any relation w ith each other. So lo n g as a relation is not m ade, I can n ot g o beyo n d m y h abitual state o f consciousness. C a n this relation be m ade? D o I feel as a fact, in a real w ay, that there is a lack o f relation? D o I feel at this v e ry m om en t m y lack o f in ­ telligence to k n o w m y o w n tru th and the tru th o f w h a t is in fron t o f me? D o I see that I am held b a ck b y w ords, ideas and em otions, fu ll o f doubt, b e lie f and fear? I need to realize b y experience w h a t this discon­ nection o f m y centers m eans. I have a certain sensation o f m yself, and m y th ou gh t is on the sensation. But one or the o th er is alw ays stronger. I am not one, not a unity. T h is accord o f m y centers o f e n erg y and their fu n ctio n in g can n ot be b rou gh t about b y forcing. T h ere m u st be a qu ietin g, a lettin g g o o f their m ovem en t, in order for a balan ce o f e n erg y to appear b e tw e e n them . But so m eth in g is m issing. I feel I am alw ays too passive. So the need for an en ergy appears, an atten tion that w ill stay free and not becom e fixed on a n yth in g. It is an atten tion that w ill con tain ev ery ­ th in g and refuse n o th in g, that w ill not take sides or dem an d an yth in g. It w ill be w ith o u t possessiveness, w ith o u t avidity, but alw ays w ith a sincerity that com es fro m the need to rem ain free in order to know .

22. Awakening to a newforce W e w ish to b ecom e conscious o f the state and m o v em en t o f en erg y in ourselves. T h is can o n ly be done in the present m om en t. I need to be m ore active inside. I practice try in g to be present, to aw ake. But every activ ity that I have not y e t m astered provok es tension. I w ish , and I am not capable. So I tense, and in this w a y create an obstacle to re alizin g m y aim . I com e up against this obstacle again and again u n til I becom e convinced o f the falseness o f m y con ception o f effo rt— that is, as a

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m o v em en t to w a rd a result. T h e n I feel relieved, a lettin g g o that is a clear sign o f m y o w n Presence. T h e practice o f o bservation is not easy to understand. U su ally I w ish to see and k n o w m y s e lf as an object. I am separated fro m w h a t I am o bservin g. I try to k n o w it w ith m y d ifferent centers. I see m y se lf try in g to use one fu n ctio n , then another. I have an aw areness o f their efforts, each one separate, and their agitation. A n d th en I see that all these efforts are fruitless. I am try in g to kn o w , to see, w ith a passive energy, w ith a q u a lity o f atten tion that is not m ore active th an w h a t is p erceived. It provides in sufficien t p o w e r to know . I am try in g to k n o w one center w ith an other center, b o th o f the sam e quality. T h is inevita­ bly brings conflict. So I can n ot observe. I see noth ing. I have an im p res­ sion o f dispersion and disorder. But w h ere, then, does k n o w led g e co m e from ? H o w can I see m y­ self? I do not know . . . . A n d since I do not kn o w , I b ecom e still. T h ere is a m o v em en t o f availability, an a w a k en in g o f a n e w force in me. It appears o n ly w h e n I see that all the o th er im pulses are useless and do not relate m e w ith real fact, w ith w h a t I am . I w a n t to becom e con ­ scious o f the reality o f life. T h e re is in m e so m eth in g m ysteriou s that n o th in g is able to grasp, so m eth in g th at no th o u g h t or feelin g can help m e know . It appears o n ly w h e n I am n o t cau gh t in the w e b o f m y th ou gh ts and em otions. It is the u n k n o w n , w h ich can n ot be grasped w ith w h a t I know . In order to co m e to the total stillness in w h ich I w ill be free to know , I m u st abandon b o th the pretension that I am able and m y b e lie f in w h a t I kn o w . I m u st see m y s e lf b lin d ly believin g , again and again, in w h a t m y th in k in g o r m y em o tio n tells m e. I need to see m y s e lf alw ays fooled u ntil I feel the uselessness o f it all, u n til I feel h o w p o or I really am . T h e n a ca lm appears and perhaps I learn so m eth in g new. In any case, it is lik e a d oor openin g. A ll I can do is leave it open. W h a t w ill fo llo w I can n ot foresee. T h e q u a lity o f in flu en ce that reaches m e depends on the q u ality o f m y P resence. A n d the q u a lity o f m y Presen ce depends on the relation o f m y th ou gh t, m y feelin g and m y sensation. In order to be attu ned to

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a m ore subtle force, the attention o f each part needs to concentrate, to becom e charged w ith a n e w m ea n in g and p o w e r to relate voluntarily. In this w a y the th in k in g p urifies itself, as do th e fee lin g and the sensa­ tion. E ach plays its o w n role and fu n ctio n s in co n cert w ith the others for the sam e go a l o f b ein g attu n ed w ith a m o re subtle P resence. T h is Presence needs to shine, to anim ate m y body. It has an intelligen ce, a vision that is lik e a lig h t in the darkness and th ickn ess o f m y sleep. A s I am today, d irected b y m y ego, I can n ot k n o w the v e r y essence o f m y Being. I am not prepared for this. A greater abandon, a greater m agn etization tow ard m y real "I,” to w ard m y “ d iv in e” nature, m ust take place. I feel the need for it, and I a w aken to this w ish , this life. I feel this intelligence aw aken.

23. The attitude we take T h e attitude w e take, o u r inn er and o uter postu re, is at the sam e tim e ou r aim and o u r way. A t any m om en t w e each have a p a rticu lar postu re, an attitude w e cann ot avoid. T h e p o stu res assum ed by the b o d y are alw ays the sam e and p rovoke co rresp o n d in g postu res or attitudes in the m ind and the feelin g that are also the sam e. I am enclosed in a subjective w orld o f habitual attitudes. But I do n o t see this. I am not even aw are o f w h ich parts are tense or relaxed. T h e b o d y has its repertoire o f p ostu res that im prison m e. I have to find a position, inn er and outer, that w ill free m e from m y attitudes and a llo w m e to em erge fro m sleep, to open to another dim en sion, another w orld. In the w o rk in the quiet, the position o f the b o d y is v e ry im portant. It m ust be precise in order to a llo w a field o f en ergy to be established. A t the sam e tim e, I m ust feel an ease, a w ell-being, a kin d o f stability that allow s m y m ind to com e to a stat;e o f total availability, to em p ty itself in a natural way, to let go o f the agitation o f thoughts. W ith a right posture m y centers com e together and can be related. T h is requires close and continual cooperation b etw e en m y th ought, m y feelin g and m y body. A s soon as th ey separate, the postu re is no lon ger held.

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W e are seek in g stability. W h a t is alw ays essential is the position o f the spine, w h ich should b e at the sam e tim e free and straight. W h e n it is not straight, th ere can n ot be a right relation b e tw e en sensation and th ou ght, o r th o u g h t and feelin g. Each p art rem ains isolated w ith o u t a real co n n ectio n w ith the others. But i f th e spine is straight, w e feel that the en erg y contain ed in the b o d y has an action on the body. Its density changes. T h ere is no lon ger a fo rm and a P resence— th ey are one and the same. M y postu re w ill be m ore stable i f I am seated on the floor, on a cu shion so that the knees are lo w er than the hips. O n e foot is placed, if possible, on the th ig h or c a lf o f the other leg. C rossin g the legs checks the active im pulse and allow s the deepest level o f quietude. T h e hands rest in the lap, the favored hand supportin g the other, w ith palm s up and thum bs tou ching. I sit absolutely straight, w ith the ears and shoul­ ders in a vertical line. T h e eyes are slightly open or m ay be closed. If unable to sit on the floor, I can use a stool or ch air provided I sit straight, w ith the knees lo w er th an the hips. M ain tain in g the spine vertical frees pressure so that the upper p art o f the b o d y feels no w eight. W h e n b eg in n in g the w o rk in the quiet, I try to find the exact posi­ tion for the pelvis that does not d ra w m y b o d y either fo rw ard or back­ w ard. I f m y spine is vertical, lik e an axis, th is also m aintains m y head in a right position. T h e n a lettin g g o com es b y itself. A s tensions fall away, I feel a m o vem en t o f en ergy tow ard the abdom en and, at the sam e tim e, a m o vem en t to w ard the higher. T h e rigor in m y attitude com es exclu­ sively fro m one im perative necessity— n o t to im pede at any p oint the m ovem en t to w ard u n ity that is requ ired for o p en in g to the h igh er cen­ ters. T h is attitude is not easy to com e to. It is not to be taken once and for all, but has to be ren ew ed fro m m om en t to m om ent. T h is calls for an in telligence that m ust alw ays rem ain present. W ith o u t a volun tary attention, m y spine w ill not m ain tain its position and the w h o le m ean­ in g o f this attitude in fron t o f life w ill b e lost. I need to see that, as soon as the effort stops, m y attitude can be an im m ed iate hindrance to con ­ sciousness. A n d the effort lasts o n ly for a flash.

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24. Coming together A tten tion is the consciou s force, the force o f consciousness. It is a di­ vin e force. T h e search is for contact w ith an e n erg y co m in g fro m the h igh er parts o f o u r centers. A t tim es w e have an in tu itio n o f it that is less stron g or m ore strong. T h is in tu itio n is the action on us o f h igh er centers from w h ich w e are separated b y o u r attach m en t to o u r fu n c­ tions. W h e n this action is felt, it affects the b o d y w h ich then receives m ore subtle and alive sensations. It affects the th ou g h t, w h ic h becom es capable o f h o ld in g under its lo o k w h a t is im m ed ia tely present. It affects the em otions, g iv in g rise to a n e w feeling. But this action, co m in g fro m the h igh er centers, is not to be sou gh t from outside or b ro u g h t about forcibly b y som e fu n ctio n o f the low er centers. In order for this action to be felt b y m y body, m in d and feelin g, there m ust be a certain state o f availability. H ere is the obstacle, the barrier. T h e q u a lity o f en erg y o f the lo w er centers m ust correspond to the vibrations o f the h igh er centers. O th erw ise, the relation is not m ade and the lo w er centers do n o t express the action o f the h igh er on the level o f life. T h e y do n o t serve as interm ediaries, th ey are not called to serve. A s a result, th ey do not h ave any conscious activ ity and do not feel any need to be purified. W h y does this relation w ith the higher centers not appear? Is it so difficult? T h e reason is that b etw e en the low er centers there is n o rela­ tion, no com m on aim , no co m m o n interest. T h e y do not feel any need for co m in g together. T h is is because w e do not see, and w e do not experi­ ence, their isolation and w h at it m eans. N evertheless, in order for trans­ form ation to take place, there m ust be a total attention, that is, an attention co m in g from all the parts o f me. In order for a certain blending to occur, m y th in kin g, m y feelin g and m y sensation m ust be together. A t the b eg in n in g, in the A bsolute, there are th ree forces that com e togeth er to k n o w each o th er and fo rm a w h o le. T h e y rem ain u n ited and never separate. It is in this co m in g tog eth er that so m eth in g n e w can appear. From the A bsolute, h o w ever, th ere is a p rojectio n that,

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w ith o u t u n ity, creates m ech an ical m ovem en ts and division. In m an e v e ry th in g is separate, isolated. W e exist as a m achine. N evertheless, w e h ave the possib ility to exist u n ified as a Presence. W h e n a relative u n ity can b e felt, it is possible to say “I— I am .” T o m ain tain this unity, there m ust be a sustained m ovem en t, and it is this m ovem en t that I lose all the tim e. T h e law s g o v e rn in g the u n iverse are here and act in us. T h e aim is that all the forces, w h ich are w ith in ourselves, tu rn tow ard a center and again form a w h o le. It is this m o v em en t in an ascendin g direction that w e m ust learn. But e v e ry th in g that is b e lo w holds us back. It m ust all be purified. In this co m in g together, the en erg y acquires a different quality. T h e aim o f th is reu n itin g is the p o w e r to be.

Ill

IN A C O M M O N DIRECTION

Am I convinced o f the uselessness o f everything I believe I know ? Truth cannot be thought. Not knowing, discarding everything, is the highest form o f thinking. Sensation is an instrum ent o f knowledge, o f contact w ith myself. I need to feel the presence o f the spiritual in me. The spirit penetrates m atter and transforms it. I need this act itself, to be spiritualized. Relation is contact, a direct contact on the same level w ith the same intensity. Feeling is the essential instrum ent o f knowing.

A FREE T H O U G H T

25. The functioning o f the mind W h a t does it m ean to be present, to b e here now ? I have the sensation that I am present. I th in k it, I feel it. T h e th ree centers are present w ith the sam e force, w ith an inten sity that com es fro m the sam e d egree o f activity. I feel an e n erg y th at circu lates m ore freely b e tw e e n them , w h ich is not held m ore in one place than another. T h is e n erg y is n o u r­ ished vo lu n tarily b y the th ree parts. T h e re is a co m m o n d irection, b rin g in g the po ssibility o f a consciou s action in w h ich the im pulse com es fro m the th ree centers at the sam e tim e. I w is h to know w ith all the parts o f m yself. In order to be present, I m ust understand the w o rk in g o f m y th in k ­ ing m ind, that its fu n ctio n is to situate and explain, but not to ex p eri­ ence. T h o u g h t is m ade up o f accu m ulated k n o w led g e in the form o f im ages and associations, and it seizes an experience o n ly to m ake it fit into categories o f the k n o w n . A lth o u g h it can en tertain the n e w w h en it is quiet, the th in k in g im m ed ia tely tran sform s it into so m eth in g old, w ith an im age that has already b een th e o bject o f an experience. T h e im age aw akens an im m ed iate reaction. T h is alw ays repeats, so that there is never a n y th in g new. C an I say tod ay that I k n o w w h a t I am? D o es the attitud e o f m y m ind a llo w m e to tru ly co n fro n t this question? T h is is m ore im p ortan t

55

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th an I th in k. A m I co n vin ced o f m y ign oran ce and o f the uselessness o f e v e ry th in g I b elieve I know ? I m ay say so, bu t do not really feel it. I valu e m y k n o w led ge , and I alw ays w a n t to b rin g an an sw er or reach a conclusion. I am cond itioned b y this. E ve ry th in g I k n o w lim its m y p er­ cep tion and conditions m y m ind. A ll that I k n o w is a m ass o f m em ories that im pel m e to accu m ulate, rep eatin g the sam e kind o f experiences. I need to see that m y m ind is alw ays m oved b y the dem ands o f m y o rd in a ry “ I,” b y its associations and reactions. T h is corrupts it. A th o u g h t that is m o v ed b y associations is n o t free. T h e pathw ays it trav­ els are strew n w ith obstacles in the fo rm o f im ages, fixed ideas and experiences. T h e y im m o b iliz e it or ch an ge its course w h ile all the tim e g iv in g an im pression o f continuity. Yet co n tin u ity resides, not in the m aterial that occu pies the th o u g h t bu t in the en e rg y itself. B elievin g in the m aterial holds the en erg y im prison ed in the circle o f thoughts. T h e e n erg y loses all its m o b ility and acuity, and becom es m ore and m ore feeble; the th o u g h t b ecom es p e tty and narrow -m inded. W e notice this in the constan t tensions in the head, face and neck. A m in d that is subject to the o rd in a ry "I” can n ot be still. But tran ­ qu illity, a qu iet m ind, w ill n o t co m e b y tu rn in g aw ay or stru gg lin g against the condition. T h is w ill n o t lead to liberation. F reeing m y se lf from this co n d itio n in g can com e o n ly b y seein g it, w ith o u t ign o rin g or d en y in g it, th ereb y crea tin g a n e w cond itionin g. I need to see and to understan d the fu n ctio n in g o f the m ind. T h e m in d is the source and center o f m y o rd in a ry “ I,” the ego. T h is “ I” seeks security. It is afraid and identifies in order to find security. T h is is a p erp etu al battle. M y u su al consciousness consists en tirely in ju d g in g — in accep ting or re­ fusing. T h is is not real consciousness. Indeed, in this state, w ith o u t a quiet m ind, n o th in g real can be revealed to me.

26. N o t knowing T o see m y s e lf as I am w o u ld be to p erceive w h a t is real, a d irect p ercep­ tion that is possible o n ly in a state free o f all cond itionin g. I believe that I search. But I do not see that m y v e ry search is p aralyzed b y w h a t m o ­

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tivates it. I am seekin g a w a y n o t to be co n fin ed b y the co n d itio n in g o f m y th ought, o f m y m em ory, o f w h a t I believe I know . I seek to g o b e ­ yon d it. I try: I m ake efforts to w o rk , to be present. But in th is I am taken— I am taken all along, d u rin g the en tire course o f m y effort. T h e first th ou gh t that im pedes m e is that "I w o rk .” I do not see w h o is w o rkin g , I do not see that the m ind is an obstacle. I put a w o rd or idea on w h a t I am seeking, and so I project an im ag e and set out fro m a feel­ in g o f lack to g o to w ard the objective. I believe it is n ecessary to k n o w w h at I am lo o k in g for. T h e representation b ecom es m ore im portan t than the search for the truth. M y relation w ith m y th in k in g m in d m u st change. I have to see its cond itionin g and lose all illusion o f its capacity to perceive d irectly w h a t is b eyon d its fu n ctio n in g. T ru th sim ply can n ot be th ou gh t. It can ­ not be looked for b y the th in k in g alone, or b y the w ish to acquire or to becom e. T ru th does not b eco m e— it is. I need to see that m y th o u g h t is held back by the stubbornness o f an idea or the attach m en t to a form . In the v e ry m om en t I see this, the m in d is freed fro m the idea or form , and a n e w perception can take place. T o have a d irect p ercep tion w o u ld m ean to discover so m eth in g en tirely new, so m eth in g u n k n o w n that m y m ind can never bring. W h y is it that m y m in d n e ver discovers a n y th in g new? I am a pris­ oner o f all the im pressions deposited in m e. I am cond itioned b y the reservoir o f m y m em ory, the result en graved in m e o f the influences that have tou ch ed m e. It is all that I have to an sw er w ith in life. Little b y little, I u n con sciously accept th is state o f con d ition in g, and the energ y o f m y m in d deteriorates. M y m in d is sapped in its v ita lity and strength. It sim ply accu m ulates m ore and m ore inform ation . I can dis­ cipline m y m ind, polish m y kn o w led ge. It can ev en b eco m e brilliant. But I rem ain in the realm o f the k n o w n . H o w cou ld I g o beyo n d this w a y o f th in k in g so that so m eth in g n e w cou ld appear? I need to be free en ou gh to discard e v e ry th in g and to question w ith o u t ex p ectin g an answ er. I understan d that n o t k n o w in g , discard­ ing e v ery th in g , is the h igh est form o f th in k in g , and that i f an an sw er com es, it w ill be false. I have to stay w ith o u t a n sw erin g and learn to

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see, to see w ith o u t ju d g in g , w ith o u t a th ou gh t, w ith o u t a w ord. T o see is an extra o rd in a ry act w h ich requ ires an attention that is u n k n o w n to m e. T h is is the factor that liberates, that brings a n e w th ou gh t, a n e w m ind. A tten tion is the essential e n erg y in m an. A n d this en erg y can o n ly appear w h en one is con stan tly occu pied in seeing, in listening, in q u estio n in g— n ever in k n o w in g w ith m y th in k in g m ind. W e m ust g iv e o u r com plete atten tion to the qu estion in fro n t o f us. T h e atten­ tio n w ill n o t b e total i f w e seek an answ er. T o ta l a ttention is the process o f m editation. B y vig ila n ce and m editation, the n atu re o f th o u g h t m ay be re­ vealed to m e, th e w a y it acts. I f I r e co g n iz e w ith all o f m y s e lf that "I do not know ," I am no lon ger r ely in g on m y m em o ry to find an answer. A t this m om en t, and o n ly at this m om en t, I b eco m e free o f m y condition­ ing, the prison o f m y m em ory, and can h ave a d irect perception o f w h a t is b eyo n d it. I see the role o f the th o u g h t as a factor for rem em b er­ ing, o n ly a factor for rem em b erin g.

27. A new thinking O u r th ou gh ts and em otion s constitu te a subjective w orld, a w orld that enslaves us. L ik e cow ard s, w e accept b ein g d om inated by the currents o f lo w q u a lity in w h ich w e bathe. A n d it w ill be lik e th is so lon g as w e do not feel n ostalgia for another current. I tak e m y th in k in g , m y th ou gh t, as b e in g “ I” in the sam e w a y I take m y b o d y as "I." I am alw ays ready to b e the victim o f m y thoughts because I have n ever disassociated m y s e lf fro m them . I have still not realize d w h a t an en orm ou s obstacle th ey are to the consciousness I seek. I m ust understan d that I am not m y th in k in g and that I do not h ave to w e lco m e w h a tev er th o u g h t arises in m e and exp ect so m eth in g fro m it. I have to see th at the th o u g h t “I” is the greatest obstacle to con ­ sciousness o f m yself. E v e ry th in g I k n o w th ro u g h m y senses has a nam e. I am en cu m b ered b y nam es, w h ich b eco m e m ore im p ortan t th an the th in gs them selves. I nam e m y s e lf “I,” and in d oin g it as i f I

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k n e w m yself, I am accep tin g a th o u g h t that keeps m e in ign orance. I f I learn to separate m y s e lf fro m nam es, fro m th ou ghts, little b y little I w ill com e to k n o w the n atu re o f the m in d and lift the ve il it casts o ver me. I w ill see b o th w h a t it m eans to b e enslaved b y the th in k in g and the possibility o f b ein g free fro m this tyrant. A t the sam e tim e, m y m in d m ust n o t tu rn away, becau se w ish in g to tu rn aw ay creates fear; not facin g the fact creates fear. M y m ind needs to see itself, to see its fu n ctio n in g and not be taken b y w ords. T h is requires an ex tra o rd in a ry precision o f th ou gh t, an atten tion that does not deviate. W h e n the w o rd s h ave disappeared, w h a t rem ains? O n e com es to the d oor o f perception. T h e m in d understands that it is alone. T h e n it approaches the m ean in g, th e im p ortan ce o f a w o rd — w h eth er a w o rd creates feeling. In seein g the w o rd as a fact, the m ind w ill be free o f its influence. I need to see that m y th ou g h t is alm ost n ever d irected on k n o w in g m y se lf as I am in this m o m e n t . . . and again in this m om en t. It is d if­ ficult for the th o u g h t to rem ain on what is, becau se it is based on m em ­ o ry and is con stan tly v is u a lizin g the possib ility o f becoming. H o w to resist the desire to become in favor o f sim ply what is? It is d ifficu lt for m y th ou gh t to stay in fro n t o f the u n k n o w n . T h is m eans aban d on in g b e ­ lie f in ev e ry th in g it kn o w s, even the trace o f the p reced in g m om en t. To stay in front o f the u n k n o w n , m y m ind m ust be profoundly si­ lent. T h is is a silence that is not obtained b y suppressing or b y sacrifice. I do not m ake the silence. It appears, w h en the m ind sees that b y itself alone, it cannot be in contact w ith som ething it cannot m easure, som e­ th in g higher. T h en the m ind no longer seeks, it does not try to becom e. I need to see that th ere is n ever any stillness and that all th is th in k ­ in g o f the k n o w n prevents m e from h a vin g an experien ce o f reality. T h en stillness and silence take on m ea n in g for m e. T h e re is th e possi­ b ility o f a quiet m ind. I no lon ger seek the k n o w n . I no lon ger seek se­ cu rity or to becom e. I feel m y s e lf freer, m ore open. T h e th ou gh t becom es free, m om en t after m om en t, and there is then an understan d­ in g o f tru th at each m om ent. T h is is the o n ly w a y to know . T ru e th in k ­ in g has n o conclusion. It alw ays beg in s anew.

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IN A C O M M O N D I R E C T I O N

28. Beyond our usual consciousness W e seek so m eth in g that is beyo n d the w o rld o f o u r usual conscious­ ness, o u r usual th ou gh ts and feelings. W e th in k o f truth, o f reality, as i f it w e re fixed, a p o in t th at w e should find a w a y to approach. But real­ ity is not fixed. It is alive. It can n ot be m easu red b y an y th in g w e know . It can be approached o n ly b y a th o u g h t that is en tirely free— free o f ev e ry th in g , e v e ry expectatio n , e v e ry fear— a th o u g h t w ith o u t m o v e­ m ent, co m p letely silent, a th o u g h t that k n o w s o n ly itself. T h e th ou gh t th at k n o w s o n ly itse lf lives in the present m om en t. In this m om ent, here, now, it has n o th in g to expect, n o th in g to lose. It is "consciousness o f b e in g ”— not b ein g lik e this o r lik e that— o n ly o f being. It is. H ere w e d isco ver the sou rce o f th in k in g . W e see that the division b e tw e en the o bserver and the observed is at the o rig in o f o u r thought. T h e o bserver is g ro u n d ed in m em ory, that w h ich k n o w s fro m past experience. It looks, th in k s and acts fro m m em ory. T h is separation into o bserver and o b served does not to u ch reality, it consolidates the ego. But w h en the o bserver is the o b served — w h en the th in k in g is the exp erien ce— then there is no m ore th ou ght. T h e re is a state o f tran ­ q u illity in w h ic h an im pression can b e received as new, as w ith little children. T h e eyes clearly receive the im age from outside, but there is no o bserver p erceivin g, no m ental processing. In order to experien ce this u n ified state w ith o u t an observer, it is necessary to pass th ro u g h m y u su al state and to see that it is not en ou gh . So lo n g as m y th o u g h t tracks w h a t I am d oin g and experienc­ ing, ju d g in g it in one w a y or another, I rem ain in the realm o f m y lim ­ ited consciousness. I rem ain u nd er the in flu en ce o f m y o rd in a ry “I.” W h a t is im p ortan t is to see this d ivisio n b e tw e e n o bserver and o b ­ served, to see the th o u g h t creatin g the separation. It is in seeing this that I b eco m e free o f its a u th o rity and open to anoth er reality. W h o am I? T h e question eludes m e becau se I am separate fro m it. It is in front o f m e, but outside. So lo n g as it is separate and I am not com pletely u n ited w ith it, the qu estion rem ains beyo n d understand­ ing. To see the im possibility o f u n d erstan d in g brings a suffering. W h en

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this su fferin g is real, there is no m ore separation and the th in k in g su b­ sides. O n ly silence rem ains. Yet the m om en t o f b e in g present is short. A s so o n as I co m e b a ck to m yself, the im pression m akes m e th in k, and in th in k in g I b eco m e sep­ arate again. I g o aw ay fro m m y s e lf and n o lon ger live in the present. T h en , i f I see it, the im pression o f b ein g lost brings m e b a ck to m yself. T h is co m in g b a ck and g o in g aw ay is a n o rm al m o v em e n t th at I n eed to accept. T h e feelin g o f liv in g , o f existin g, depends on it. M y th ou gh ts never stop. W h e n one has passed, an oth er is here, fo llo w ed b y another. I am attached to all o f them . But i f for a m om en t a space appears in the th in kin g , then there is n o th in g for m e to b e attached to. I am free. In the silence, the m in d can b e conscious o f each m o v em en t o f th e th in k ­ ing. T h is perception is free fro m reaction, and the en erg y that results is not m ech anical, not the prod u ct o f th ou gh t. It is the en erg y that spiritual seekers have b een lo o k in g for th ro u g h o u t th e ages.

AN INNER SENSATION

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