The Heart of the Dales

T he Heart of the Dales

A ls o by Gervas e P hinn The Other S ide of the Dale Ov er Hill and Dale Head Ov er Heels in the Dales Up and Dow n in the Dales A W ay ne in a M anger P oetry (publis hed by P uffin) It Tak es One to K now One The Day Our Teac her W ent B atty Don't Tell the Teac her Family P hantoms

THE HEART OF THE DALES Gerv as e P hinn MICHA E L J OS E P H an imprint of P E NGUIN B OOK S

MICHA E L J OS E P H P ublis hed by the P enguin Group P enguin B ooks Ltd, 80 S trand, London W C2R 0RL, E ngland P enguin Group (US A ) Inc ., 375 Huds on S treet, New Y ork, New Y ork 10014, US A P enguin Group (Canada), 90 E glinton A venue E as t, S uite 700, T oronto, Ontario, Canada M4P 2Y 3 (a divis ion of P ears on P enguin Canada Inc .) P enguin Ireland, 25 S t S tephen's Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a divis ion of P enguin B ooks Ltd) P enguin Group (A us tralia), 250 Cam berwell Road, Cam berwell, V ic toria 3124, A us tralia (a divis ion of P ears on A us tralia Group P ty Ltd) P enguin B ooks India P vt Ltd, 11 Com m unity Centre, P anc hs heel P ark, New Delhi - 110 017, India P enguin Group (NZ), 67 A pollo Drive, Ros edale, North S hore 0632, New Zealand (a divis ion of P ears on New Zealand Ltd) P enguin B ooks (S outh A fric a) (P ty) Ltd, 24 S turdee A venue, Ros ebank, J ohannes burg 2196, S outh A fric a P enguin B ooks Ltd, Regis tered Offic es : 80 S trand, London W C2R 0RL, E ngland

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Firs t publis hed 2007 1 Copyright (c ) Gervas e P hinn, 2007 T he m oral right of the author has been as s erted A ll rights res erved. W ithout lim iting the rights under c opyright res erved above, no part of this public ation m ay be reproduc ed, s tored in or introduc ed into a retrieval s ys tem , or trans m itted, in any form or by any m eans (elec tronic , m ec hanic al, photoc opying, rec ording or otherwis e), without the prior written perm is s ion of both the c opyright owner and the above publis her of this book E IS B N978-0-141-90214-2

For Harry J ohn Gerv as e P hinn, my firs t grandc hild

Acknowledgements T he author would like to thank Child's P lay (International) Ltd for perm is s ion to us e the extrac t from Little S nail's B IG S urpris e, c opyright (c ) Carla Dijs , 1999. T he poem 'A Dales m an to His S on' on page 381 is bas ed on the poem 'Mother to S on' by the A m eric an poet, Langs ton Hughes . Remembering M r Firth So Y ou are c urious to know W hat s ort of m an he was , W hat kind of teac her? S om e, I gues s , would s ay that he was unpredic table and loud, Heavy-handed, hard-headed, proud, A fiery figure with his froth of wild white hair A nd bright all-s eeing eyes , T hat he talked too m uc h A nd lis tened too little. W ell I'll tell you. He was a teac her W ho lifted his tory from the dus ty page, Re-fought battles on a c halky wooden board, A s toryteller who painted pic tures of the pas t in vivid c olour, A n enthus ias t who, with burs ts of energy A nd eyes gleam ing with a quic k im pas s ioned fire, Res urrec ted s hadowy c harac ters of a bygone age: Fabled kings and tragic queens , pale-fac ed m artyrs and holy m onks , P rinc es and peas ants , tyrants and warriors . He brought his tory to life. I rec all One c old Novem ber day, In a hus hed c las s room W hen he told the s tory of the s orrowful S c ottis h queen W ho c lim bed the s c affold s tiffly, Clad in a gown the c olour of dried blood T o m eet her fate at Fortheringhay, A nd I felt that I was there. So Y ou are c urious to know W hat s ort of m an he was , W hat kind of teac her? He was the bes t.

1 David P ritc hard, the ins pec tor for Mathem atic s , P E and Gam es , was in rare good m ood that Friday m orning. It was during the s c hools ' s um m er holidays and the two of us had been bus ily oc c upied for a good c ouple of hours pac king up all our belongings in our old plac e of work, ready to take to the s c hool ins pec tors ' new offic e downs tairs . W e were having a break from our exertions , m uc h of whic h entailed s orting through old files and putting papers no longer needed into rubbis h bags - in the s ure knowledge that we would require s om ething we had thrown away within the firs t week of term . David, perc hed on the edge of a des k, was entertaining m e with s om e am us ing anec dotes related to his vis its to the c ounty's s c hools the previous term . 'T here was the oc c as ion,' he s aid, s m iling widely at the m em ory of the inc ident, 'when the teac her, in an effort to tes t the c hildren in their num erac y s kills of addition, as ked his c las s of nine-year-olds : "Now, c hildren, if I laid eight eggs over here and nine eggs over there, what would I have?" "A bloody m irac le," had c om e a m uttered voic e from the bac k of the room .' I hooted with laughter - I jus t loved the things thes e young 'innoc ents ' c am e out with. 'A nother tim e,' David c ontinued, 'a teac her was reprim anding a c hild who hadn't us ed a ruler and had drawn a very wobbly line freehand ac ros s his exerc is e book. "Don't you know what the word 's traight' m eans ?" the teac her as ked c ros s ly. "Y es , m is s ," had c om e the reply, "without water".' David and I were both laughing uproarious ly when a figure appeared at the door to the offic e. Mrs B renda S avage, P ers onal A s s is tant to Dr Gore, the Chief E duc ation Offic er, s tood fram ed in the doorway with the us ual haughty expres s ion on her c arefully m ade-up fac e. S he was dres s ed in a tailored grey tweed jac ket, tight penc il s kirt, c ream s ilk blous e with filigree lac e c ollar, blac k patent leather s hoes and, as was her wont, was garlanded in an as s ortm ent of expens ive-looking jewellery. S he looked for the entire world as if s he were about to enter the s et of one of thos e glam orous A m eric an s oap operas . T here was not a c reas e, not a hair out of plac e. S he rem ained there regarding us with a s elf-im portant expres s ion on her fac e. 'May I help you, Mrs S avage?' as ked m y c olleague, s taring over his s pec tac les . 'Mr P ritc hard,' s he s aid s lowly and deliberately and giving him a dec idedly c hilly look, 'I had as s um ed that by this tim e the s c hool ins pec tors would have reloc ated them s elves to the offic e downs tairs .' 'My dear Mrs S avage,' s aid David c alm ly, 'I have no des ire to be im polite, m uc h les s dis obliging, but we are in the very proc es s of m oving.' 'W ell, as far as I c an s ee, Mr P ritc hard,' c ontinued Mrs S avage, s urveying the room , 'you haven't got very far. It is now Friday and you have to vac ate thes e prem is es by today at the very lates t s o that Mr Reid and the S oc ial S ervic es team c an m ove in at the beginning of next week. It's on m y s c hedule here.' S he tapped a long s c arlet-painted fingernail on the c lipboard s he held in front of her. Mrs S avage paus ed a m om ent, waiting for a reply but when one was not forthc om ing s he c ontinued, her voic e dripping with c ondes c ens ion. 'It appears to m e that very little has been done.' 'I am fully aware of what day it is and what needs to be done, Mrs S avage,' replied David, giving her a thin s m ile that c onveyed little m ore than feigned interes t. 'I will be out of here by the end of the day, you c an be quite c ertain of that. Com e Monday, the area of the offic e whic h at pres ent I oc c upy will be as em pty as the North Y ork Moors in Dec em ber.' 'I did s end a m em orandum ,' Mrs S avage pers is ted, 's tating quite c learly that it was im perative that the s c hool ins pec tors ' offic e be c leared in good tim e s o that Mr Reid and the S oc ial S ervic es team are able to oc c upy it at the beginning of next week.' 'Indeed you did, Mrs S avage, and I read your m em orandum with im m ens e interes t, as I always do when I rec eive one of your m is s ives . I will vac ate the offic e by the end of the day.' He replac ed his glas s es and returned to s orting through s om e papers on his des k. T he CE O's P ers onal A s s is tant was as unrelenting as a s tarving bulldog with a juic y bone and rem ained at the door s tanding s tiff and s traight, looking bac k at David with a s tern expres s ion. S inc e s tarting m y job as a s c hool ins pec tor s om e four years before, I had found Mrs S avage, as had m y three c olleagues , extrem ely pric kly and s om etim es downright objec tionable. T his dram atic ally good-looking widow of indeterm inate age, always im m ac ulately turned out and dres s ed in the m os t expens ive and elegant of outfits , s adly did not have a pers onality to m atc h. S he c ould be by turns rude and deferential, depending on the s tatus and pos ition of the pers on to whom s he was talking. A nd it was patently c lear s he did not like talking to the s c hool ins pec tors who s he felt had far too m uc h c lout and influenc e. Her dis like of us was obvious and s he s eem ed to go out of her way to be the m os t irritating, ill-m annered and petty m em ber of the E duc ation Departm ent. Mrs S avage had a frightening reputation, an ac id m anner and a penc hant for burdening us with a s nows torm of m em oranda on every c onc eivable s ubjec t. Getting no further res pons e from David, s he now turned her fros ty eye in m y direc tion and arc hed a c arefully pluc ked eyebrow. 'Mr P hinn.' 'Mrs S avage?' I s aid. 'May I have y our as s uranc e that this offic e will be c leared and available for Mr Reid and the S oc ial S ervic es team by Monday m orning?' 'Y ou have m y as s uranc e, Mrs S avage,' I told her. 'T he day is yet young. A ll will be rem oved by the end of this afternoon.' 'It's jus t that there appears to be s till s o m uc h in here to pac k,' s he s aid, glanc ing around the room and pulling a fac e as if there were a bad s m ell. 'T hat c orner area looks as if it has n't been touc hed at all.' 'T hat's bec aus e it has n't,' s aid David airily, without looking up from his papers . 'T hat's Mr Clam p's dom ain.' 'A nd where -' Mrs S avage began. 'A nd he's away in Italy,' added David. 'A way in Italy! ' s he exc laim ed. 'On his holidays ,' s aid David. 'On his holidays ! ' repeated Mrs S avage. 'E ven s c hool ins pec tors have holidays , Mrs S avage,' s aid David, looking up. 'A s the ins pec tor for V is ual and Creative A rts , he is s pending two c reativ e weeks in V enic e, Florenc e and Rom e, where he is c ollec ting m aterial for next term 's art c ours es . T hen he is s pending a third week in S orrento.' 'B ut this is a mos t inc onvenient tim e for him to dec ide to take a holiday,' s he growled. 'Mrs S avage,' s aid David, 'you m us t unders tand that we s c hool ins pec tors c an only take our holidays when the teac hers and pupils take theirs and not in term tim e.' He blinked up at her through his s pec tac les . 'B ut Mr Clam p s hould have kept this week free,' s he s aid peevis hly. 'My m em orandum s pec ific ally earm arked this week for the offic e to be c leared prior to the m ove next week,' s he c ontinued, relentles s ly purs uing her them e. 'W hen it was agreed by Dr Gore that the s c hool ins pec tors s hould have larger prem is es downs tairs - s om ething about whic h I had s trong res ervations , I have to adm it - I indic ated in a firs t m em orandum that the m ove would take plac e during the s c hools ' s um m er holidays .' 'B ut not exac tly when,' I c om m ented. 'I beg your pardon?' S he gave m e a dis dainful glanc e. 'Y ou never gave an exac t date when you required us to m ove.' 'I s tated the date s pec ific ally in the s ec ond m em orandum ,' s aid Mrs S avage s harply, tapping at her c lipboard again. 'It was all c arefully planned. I s aid it in m y m em orandum quite dis tinc tly, the one that Mr Clam p has c learly ignored.' David began s huffling papers with m ore nois e than was nec es s ary. I s tared out of the window. 'A nd when will Mr Clam p be bac k, m ay I as k?' s he enquired. 'P erhaps you c an -' 'Mrs S avage,' s ighed David, rais ing his hand and, in the proc es s , s topping her m id s entenc e, 'I am not m y c olleague's keeper. W hat he does and where he goes is entirely his own c onc ern. K nowing Mr Clam p, as we all do, you will be well aware that, like m any a c reative pers on, he is s om ewhat elus ive, unc onventional and unpredic table and is c ertainly not one to be eas ily direc ted by others . He is one of the world's individuals , a m averic k.' 'W ell, we will have to s ee what Dr Gore has to s ay about it,' s he replied, her fac e flus hing with annoyanc e. 'It's not Mr Clam p's fault,' I told her. 'I'm afraid your s ec ond m em orandum with the dates of the m ove m us t have arrived on our des ks after Mr Clam p had departed for Italy.' 'I think not! ' s he s napped. 'I s ent that m em orandum out a good three weeks ago. It is typic al of Mr Clam p to ignore m y m em oranda. I have had oc c as ion to s peak to him about it before.' 'W ell, whatever,' s aid David dis m is s ively, 'he's not here and no doubt at this very m om ent he's lying on the beac h in S orrento.' 'B ut what about all his files and folders , his c abinets and c upboards , all thes e pic tures and pos ters , papers and boxes ?' Mrs S avage as ked. 'T hey c an't rem ain here.' 'Don't worry, Mrs S avage,' I s aid, 'we'll m ove his things for him .' David gave a hollow laugh. 'W e m os t c ertainly will not! ' he c ried, em phas is ing the firs t word. 'I do not intend m oving them . I've got quite enough of m y own s tuff without lugging all S idney's rubbis h down two flights of s tairs . Not with m y bad bac k, I'm not.' 'W ell, this is m os t uns atis fac tory,' s aid Mrs S avage. 'It is im perative that this room is c leared today for -' 'Mr Reid and the S oc ial S ervic es team to m ove in on Monday,' interrupted David. 'Y es , Mrs S avage, s o you keep s aying.' T hen he added m is c hievous ly, 'P erhaps you c ould arrange for s om eone to pac k Mr Clam p's s tuff? W hat about Derek from the P os t Room ?' 'Certainly not! ' s he s napped. 'I am far too bus y to arrange anything of the s ort. I have a m ajor c onferenc e for Dr Gore to organis e, quite apart from all m y other urgent adm inis trative duties within the departm ent.' 'My, m y, what a bus y bee you are, Mrs S avage,' obs erved David. S he ignored the s arc as m . 'A nd, in any c as e,' s he c ontinued, 'it is the ins pec tors ' res pons ibility to m ove their own files and m aterials and to c lear their des ks .' S he glanc ed at the only area of the room that was em pty of everything apart from the c leared des k. 'It's a pity that all the ins pec tors aren't as effic ient and well organis ed as Dr Mullarkey. I notic e that s he has m oved everything of hers .' 'W e c an't all be as effic ient and well organis ed as the ins pec tor for S c ienc e and T ec hnology,' s aid David. 'More's the pity,' s he m uttered. 'Mrs S avage -' began David in a voic e threatening to brim over with fury. 'Don't worry, Mrs S avage,' I interrupted, 'the room will be c leared by the end of the day.' 'I s inc erely hope s o,' s he s aid, her m outh drawn together. 'Is there anything els e, Mrs S avage?' as ked David. 'It's jus t that we are rather bus y at the m om ent and we do wis h to m ake a s tart m oving into our new offic es downs tairs .' He peered over his glas s es . 'W e c ertainly wouldn't want Mr Reid and the S oc ial S ervic es team to be inc onvenienc ed, now, would we?' Mrs S avage gave him a look like the s weep of a s c ythe and m ade a loud c luc king nois e with her tongue. 'I s hall be having words with Dr Gore,' s he threatened. 'P leas e do that,' Mrs S avage,' s aid David. 'In fac t, perhaps he m ight like to give us a hand m oving.' T he P ers onal A s s is tant of the Chief E duc ation Offic er departed angrily in a whiff of Chanel Num ber 5. 'In all m y years in educ ation,' s aid David, rem oving his s pec tac les , 'I have never, never m et s uc h a pettifogging, tac tles s , infuriating and interfering pers on as Mrs S avage. W ho does s he think s he is , s wanning over here, s peaking to us like an infants head teac her telling off s om e naughty c hildren? It's a pity s he has n't anything better to do with her tim e. 'I have a m ajor c onferenc e for Dr Gore to organis e,' s he s ays . W ho does s he think s he's kidding? W hen was the las t tim e the CE O held a c onferenc e?' 'S he jus t likes to appear im portant,' I s aid. 'Y ou s houldn't let her wind you up s o m uc h. Y ou'll give yours elf a c oronary getting s o angry.' 'Gervas e,' s aid David, 'if the wom an had, like any norm al pers on given the job of organis ing an offic e m ove, enquired in a pleas ant and good-hum oured way how things were going, I wouldn't have got all wound up. Goodnes s knows how s uc h a tac tles s , talentles s and tyrannic al pers on like Mrs S avage has m anaged to get the pos ition s he has , and how in heaven's nam e Dr Gore puts up with her is beyond belief.' 'S he does have s om e abilities ,' I s aid. 'S he's quite effic ient in her own way. It's jus t her m anner.' 'T he only ability that virago is bles s ed with,' s aid David, 'is to appear very bus y whils t ac tually avoiding work of any kind. "Major c onferenc e for Dr Gore", m y foot! A nd what are all thes e urgent adm inis trative duties within the departm ent? S he delegates everything s he's given. I don't rec all s eeing Mrs S avage in her tight s kirt and high heels ever ris k breaking her nails taking s o m uc h as a pile of files from her offic e to one of the c om m ittee room s . I've a good m ind -' David's diatribe was interrupted by the appearanc e at the door of J ulie, the ins pec tors ' s ec retary. 'Has s he gone?' s he as ked in hus hed voic e. 'S he has ,' I told her. 'T hank goodnes s for that,' s he s ighed. 'I jus t c ouldn't fac e s he of the joyles s c ountenanc e and the viper's tongue this m orning. Mrs S avage has that wonderful effec t of brightening up the room by leaving it.' David grunted, s hook his head and m uttered s om ething inaudible. He was obvious ly s till s im m ering. 'W hat did s he want at half pas t ten on a Friday m orning?' J ulie as ked. 'T o s ee if we'd c leared the offic e,' I told her. 'W ell, what's it got to do with her?' as ked J ulie. 'S he's been put in c harge of the m ove,' I told her, 'and s he was c hec king up.' 'A s you well know, J ulie,' s aid David, 'everything in the E duc ation Departm ent has to do with the m eddles om e B renda. S he has her long red-nailed fingers in every pie. W ell, if s he thinks that pes tering m e will m ake m e vac ate this offic e any quic ker, s he's got another think c om ing. I s hall m ove out in m y own good tim e. A nd there's no way I'm s hifting all S idney's s tuff downs tairs .' 'Don't worry about that,' s aid J ulie. 'I'll s ort it out later.' 'Y ou c an't pos s ibly do all that on your own,' s aid David. 'W e'll do it together, J ulie,' I s aid, 'when I've finis hed m oving m y own things .' 'OK ,' s he s aid s m iling. 'Now, who's for a c up of c offee?' 'I'll have a large s trong s weet m ug of c affeinated c offee, pleas e,' I s aid. 'I have an idea that it's going to be a long long day.' 'I c ould do with a double brandy after that enc ounter,' David rem arked. He pic ked up a large c ardboard box full of files . 'I'll dis pens e with the c offee, thank you, J ulie, and m ake a s tart re-hom ing this little lot downs tairs . I want to pic k a s pot well away from S idney. W hen he's in the offic e, I never get anything done.' 'I'll get the c offee and then I'll give you a hand,' J ulie told m e. 'A nd, des pite what I told the wic ked witc h of County Hall,' s aid David, 'I s uppos e I s hall reluc tantly have to help you m ove all S idney's s tuff or I'll never hear the las t of it.' He s hook his head like a terrier. 'Not that I wis h to agree with Mrs S avage, but it is dam ned inc onvenient for S idney to be away jus t now. T ypic al, of c ours e. T hat m an c ould fall into a m ound of s team ing m anure and em erge s m elling of ros es .' 'I'll put the kettle on,' s aid J ulie, laughing, and headed for the door. If the m an in the s treet were to des c ribe what he im agined a s c hool ins pec tors ' s ec retary m ight look like, I gues s he would pic ture a s m all, s erious -m inded and quietly effic ient wom an with grey hair s c raped into a neat little bun at the bac k of her head. S he would be dres s ed s oberly with s ens ible flat-heeled s hoes and a few bits of plain jewellery. S he would be deferential, inc ons pic uous and innoc uous . W ell, J ulie c ould not have been m ore different. S he wore ridic ulous ly s hort s kirts , tight-fitting jum pers and outrageous ly high heels , and had thic k bubbly dyed-blonde hair. Heads turned whenever this young wom an with the hourglas s figure and s winging hips s as hayed down the m arbled c orridors of County Hall. E veryone in the ins pec tors ' offic e loved J ulie and relied heavily upon her. S he had the qualities of m any a Yorks hire las s ; s he was funny, exc es s ively talkative, outs poken and bighearted but als o pos s es s ed the s terling qualities of the really good s ec retary. J ulie was indus trious , highly organis ed and entirely loyal. S he was als o very dis c reet when it c am e to anything within the ins pec tors ' offic e but s he had a us eful network of c ontac ts within County Hall who s upplied her with all the lates t gos s ip, whic h was relayed to us at regular intervals . T hat m orning, J ulie was wearing a body-hugging turtlenec k jum per of s hoc king pink, a blac k pelm et of a s kirt, treac herous ly high red leather s tiletto s hoes and a pair of large pendulous s ilver earrings . It was not the s ort of outfit bes t s uited for s om eone who would be s pending the day m oving everything down two flights of s tairs from one offic e to another. A few m inutes later s he arrived bac k with two s team ing m ugs , whic h s he s et down on Dr Mullarkey's des k, the only one with an area left unc overed. 'S o how was your holiday?' I as ked, reac hing for the c offee. 'Never again! ' s he exc laim ed, perc hing on the edge of the des k, c ros s ing her long legs and throwing her head bac k like a m odel pos ing for a photograph. 'Not too good then?' I hazarded. S he unc ros s ed her legs and s at up s traight. 'I went c am ping in Franc e with m y boyfriend and his m um and dad. For the las t three years we've been on holiday with P aul's parents , and I s hould know better by now. W ell, this is definitely the las t tim e I'm going with them . A fter that dis as trous tim e in S pain three years ago when P aul fell as leep in the s un and woke up like a lobs ter with an attitude problem and a fac e full of blis ters the s ize of balloons , we dec ided to s tay in E ngland the next year and go to S kegnes s in his auntie's c aravan. I think I told you it rained for the full two weeks exc ept for the one fine day when P aul broke his ankle jum ping off the s ea wall. I s pent m os t days at the hos pital and m os t nights wide awake lis tening to P aul's father s noring like a hippopotam us with s inus trouble.' 'Y es , I rem em ber you regaling m e with the S kegnes s s aga. S o what happened in Franc e?' 'It was wors e,' s he s aid. 'W e were s quas hed in two leaking tents near a s tagnant, m os quito-infes ted lake, the s howers pac ked up, P aul's m um m oaned about the food the entire tim e, and his dad got into an argum ent with the s ite m anager when he told him that the Frenc h were pretty quic k to s urrender to the Nazis in the las t war and if it was n't for the B ritis h A rm y bailing them out, he'd be wearing great jac kboots and s peaking Germ an.' 'Oh dear,' I s aid, s m iling. 'T hen P aul got food pois oning from a plateful of prawns , the c ar broke down jus t as we were driving onto the ferry and all the Frenc h lorry drivers we held up behind us hurled abus e at us . W hen we did finally m anage to get ac ros s the Channel, the Cus tom s m en found and c onfis c ated the extra bottles of duty free that P aul's m other had hidden under her c oat, and s he never s topped whingeing all the way bac k to Y orks hire.' 'Y es , it was c ertainly eventful,' I s aid. 'Never again,' s ighed J ulie, s haking her blonde c urls . S he took a s ip of c offee. 'Have you been to Franc e?' 'I went to P aris with the s c hool when I was fifteen and I c an't s ay it was a great s uc c es s ,' I told her, rem em bering the m is erable tim e I had had in a dark and s partan hos tel on the outs kirts of the c ity, s leeping in a dorm itory c older than death, on a bunk bed as hard as nails . 'It c am e as quite a s hoc k,' I told J ulie, 'that all the Frenc h I had been learning for years and years at s c hool was c om pletely inc om prehens ible to the P aris ians . P eople jus t laughed when I opened m y m outh.' 'W ell, it'll be the las t tim e I go to Franc e, I c an tell you,' s aid J ulie. 'Oh, I s hall go again one day,' I s aid. 'Of c ours e, it helps having a wife who c an s peak the language. Chris tine s pent a year there as part of her Frenc h c ours e at c ollege s o I won't m ake a fool of m ys elf the next tim e. I'll let her do all the talking. W hen the baby gets older, we intend to go c am ping in B rittany.' 'S o where did you go for your holidays this s um m er then?' J ulie as ked. 'W e s tayed in Y orks hire,' I told her, rec alling the wonderful two weeks Chris tine and our baby s on Ric hard had s pent in a gues thous e in Robin Hood's B ay on the eas t c oas t. T he weather had been glorious ly bright and rain-free, and we had enjoyed m any a happy hour s itting on the beac h in the s uns hine m aking s and c as tles - I c laim ed I had to get in prac tic e for when Ric hard was older - c ollec ting s hells , s earc hing for c rabs in the roc k pools , walking along the c liff top with the baby s trapped to m y bac k, and exploring the little s nic kleways between the c ottages in the village. E ac h evening, when the baby was s afely tuc ked up in his c ot, Chris tine and I would s it in the gues thous e's c ons ervatory that overlooked the great s weep of the bay. W hat a s c ene it was : the loom ing c liffs ris ing from a plac id s ea turned pinkand gold by the s etting s un, the jutting outc rops of dark purple roc ks reac hing out like gnarled fingers . I had been s o happy. T ric ky Dic ky, as we c alled him , had not lived up to his nic knam e; he had been far from dem anding. In fac t, he had not been an ounc e of trouble, feeding happily, s leeping s oundly and c rying rarely. He was s uc h a c ontented c hild that we really c ouldn't believe our good fortune in having s uc h a m odel baby. 'S o was it good?' as ked J ulie. 'It was s uper,' I told her. 'W e had a great tim e.' 'W ell,' s he s aid, s tretc hing, 'I'm glad s om ebody did. Y ou had better finis h your c offee. W e have work to do.' B y the end of the afternoon, the s m all c ram ped room that had been m y plac e of work for four years was c lear of everything. David, J ulie and I had m ade journey after journey up and down the narrow s tairs , s truggling with boxes full of reports and guidelines , balanc ing arm fuls of files and folders , c arting books and journals . T he wors t s tuff to c arry down was , of c ours e, everything that belonged to S idney. B y five o'c loc k, all that rem ained in the offic e was the furniture that was not c om ing with us - the four heavy oak des ks with their bras s -handled drawers , the anc ient wooden s wivel c hairs , and the now-em pty grey m etal filing c abinets and dark heavy bookc as es . David, J ulie and I s urveyed the room , hot, tired and ready for hom e. 'W ell, that's a job well done,' I s aid. 'I s hall m is s this room , you know,' s aid David. 'E ven though we c om plained over the years about the lac k of s pac e, the ic y draughts in winter and the unbearable heat in s um m er -'

'T he c reaking floor and threadbare bit of c arpet,' added J ulie. 'A nd the unc om fortable c hairs and the fac t that we c ouldn't find anything am ids t the c lutter, but it did have c harac ter,' s aid David. He ran his hand ac ros s a des ktop. 'I s hall m is s m y old des k.' 'A lthough I, too, feel rather s orry having to leave the plac e,' I s aid, 'we s hall be able to s pread out in the new offic e with its m odern furniture, and we won't have thos e s tairs to c lim b every day.' A t that very m om ent we heard heavy foots teps on the s elfs am e s tairs , ac c om panied by a loud and dis c ordant voic e giving a rendering of 'Com e B ac k to S orrento'. 'T ell m e I am im agining things ,' whis pered David. 'No,' s aid J ulie, 'it's Mr Clam p all right.' T he great bearded figure with the deep-s et, earnes t eyes appeared at the door like a pantom im e villain. S idney s topped s inging, rem oved a large fedora hat in a flouris h and beam ed at us . T hen he s tared beyond us and around the em pty offic e. 'S weet angels of m erc y! ' he c ried. 'W here is everything? T he plac e is as bare as Old Mother Hubbard's c upboard.' W e s tood looking at him , s tony-fac ed and s ilent. 'W hatever is the m atter with you three?' he as ked. 'You look like s om e s trange E as tern s tatues . From the look on your fac es , it appears that I am intruding on s om e private grief.' David breathed in nois ily, rais ed his eyes heavenwards but s aid nothing. 'Hello, S idney,' I s aid. 'Did you forget, Mr Clam p,' as ked J ulie, 'that we were m oving into the new offic e this week and that we had to c lear everything out from here to there?' 'A aaaah,' groaned S idney s m ac king his forehead dram atic ally with the flat of his hand. 'T he m ove, the m ove! Of c ours e, we're reloc ating to the new offic e this term , aren't we?' 'W e are,' I s aid. 'I only popped in to c ollec t m y m ail,' he s aid. He tapped his c hin thoughtfully. 'W as it this week we were s uppos ed to be m oving?' 'It was ,' I s aid. 'W e have to be out of here by the end of the day s o S oc ial S ervic es c an c om e in on Monday,' added J ulie. 'T he three of us have had to take all your s tuff downs tairs to the new offic e for you.' 'W e as s um ed you weren't c om ing in today,' I told him . 'How awfully dec ent of you to m ove m y bits and bobs ,' s aid S idney. T hen his fac e c louded over. 'I s ay, I do hope that you have taken great c are with m y things . T here were a lot of valuable artefac ts am ongs t m y pos s es s ions . Dear God,' he s aid, his eyes roving round the alm os t em pty room , 'what have you done with A phrodite?' S idney had a fairly ghas tly white plas ter m odel of the Goddes s of Love, whic h he us ed in his drawing c las s es . 'A phrodite is s afe and well in the new offic e,' replied David who, am ids t loud c om plaining, had c arried the s c antily c lad fem ale downs tairs . 'I trus t you haven't been heavy handed with the portfolios and not dam aged any of the artwork,' S idney c ontinued. 'I know how m aladroit you c an s om etim es be, David.' He s trode ac ros s to what had been his des k, and wrenc hed open the top drawer. 'Oh heavens , there were s om e m os t im portant doc um ents in this drawer. W hat's happened to them ?' 'Don't panic ,' I s aid, 'I've loc ked them away in your new des k downs tairs .' T he telephone s itting on S idney's des k s uddenly rang, ec hoing round the alm os t em pty room . J ulie, s tanding neares t it, pic ked it up. 'Ins pec tors ' offic e,' s he s aid. S he lis tened for a m om ent, nodded her blonde head, and then replac ed the rec eiver. 'T hat was Mr Reid of S oc ial S ervic es . He s aid that we s houldn't rus h as they are s om ewhat behind s c hedule and won't be ready to m ove up here until T ues day at the earlies t.' 'Open the window, Gervas e,' s aid David, s lowly and quietly, 'I am about to jum p out.'

2 T hurs day m orning of the firs t week of the new autum n term found m e at Ugglem atters by County J unior S c hool to undertake what I im agined to be a m orning's routine follow-up ins pec tion. T he building, unlike m any of the Dales village s c hools in Yorks hire, was entirely without c harac ter: a featureles s , s quat, grey s tone s truc ture with long, m etal-fram ed windows , blue s late roof and a heavy blac k door. It was dwarfed by the neighbouring boarded-up, red-bric k Mas onic Hall on one s ide and a down-at-the-m outh public hous e on the other. I had vis ited the s c hool s om e two years earlier on a bleak and blus tery m orning in late A pril. S etting off from the Ins pec tors ' Divis ion of the E duc ation Departm ent in the bus tling m arket town of Fettles ham , I had driven through a des olate, rain-s oaked lands c ape of rolling grey m oors to reac h the s c hool in the large s prawling village of Ugglem atters by. On that oc c as ion, I had not been im pres s ed with the s tandard of educ ation provided and m y largely c ritic al report had led to the enforc ed early retirem ent of the headteac her. Mr S harples , a dour m an, with the s m ile of a m artyr about to be burnt at the s take, had rattled on in wearis om e detail about the s tres s es and s trains , pres s ures and problem s , diffic ulties and dis appointm ents he had to fac e day after day. He had bem oaned the awkward parents , interfering governors , dis illus ioned teac hers , lazy c leaners and wilful c hildren, and now c ritic al s c hool ins pec tors had appeared on the s c ene to depres s him even m ore. 'I feel like jum ping off Hopton Crags ,' he had told m e dis c ons olately, 'or down a pothole at Grim s tone Gill, I really do.' In ac tual fac t, he had jum ped - jum ped at the c hanc e, when offered a generous pac kage, to retire early and the las t I had heard of him he was running a health-food s hop in W hitby, happily s elling dried fruit, c as hew nuts and wholem eal flour. A new headteac her, Mr Harris on, was appointed. I had s at on the interview panel and had been im pres s ed with this youthful, bright-eyed deputy headteac her from a large m ultirac ial s c hool in inner-c ity London, who had perform ed extrem ely well, im pres s ing the panel with his enthus ias m , good hum our and by the vivid des c ription of how he would s et about c hanging things for the better were he to be appointed. S adly on this S eptem ber m orning, if the initial im pres s ions I had were anything to go by, the new headteac her had not c om e up to expec tations , for little appeared to have altered s inc e m y las t vis it. W hat I thought would be a m eeting of ten or fifteen m inutes before c las s es s tarted, turned out to be quite different. 'It's been diffic ult, Mr P hinn,' Mr Harris on told m e s adly, tugging nervous ly at his s m all m ous tac he. 'I rather im agined that m oving north to s uc h a lovely part of the c ountry, to bec om e the headteac her of a village s c hool in rural Yorks hire, would be idyllic and c ertainly les s c hallenging and s tres s ful than at m y las t s c hool in the inner c ity. I little im agined the problem s I would have to fac e.' He s ounded unnervingly like his predec es s or and, indeed, was beginning to take on Mr S harples ' appearanc e, too. T he headteac her s eem ed to have aged c ons iderably s inc e our las t m eeting at his interview. A s I s at in his c ram ped offic e that m orning, I was c onc erned at the c hange I s aw in him after s o s hort a tim e. Gone were the broad and winning s m ile, the bright eyes , the bubbly enthus ias m and the c onfident m anner. He looked as hen and deeply unc om fortable and s tared at m e with the doleful eyes of a s ic k s paniel. 'P erhaps you would like to tell m e about it,' I s aid, realis ing that what I im agined would be a pleas ant, uneventful routine vis it was turning into s om ething likely to be far m ore problem atic . 'W ell, this is a very different world from the one I knew in London,' Mr Harris on c ontinued. He interlac ed his fingers s lowly and res ted them beneath his c hin in the attitude of a c hild at prayer, and then took a deep audible breath. 'I c am e from a large m ulti-c ultural and very vibrant inner-c ity s c hool where the s taff worked hard and pulled together. T he c hildren were c hallenging and, yes , perhaps a little too lively at tim es . W e had our fair s hare of problem s , but it was a very pos itive and produc tive environm ent. Ugglem atters by is c om pletely different. In term s of dis c ipline, the c hildren are biddable enough, though rather blunt, but everything is s o - how c an I put it - laid bac k. Your report on Mr S harples ' regim e quite rightly m entioned the lac k of rigour and c reativity in the c urric ulum and, s inc e s tarting, I have attem pted to c hange things but, s adly, with little apparent s uc c es s . P eople in this part of the world s eem very res is tant to c hange. T he parents on the s urfac e are friendly - well, m os t of them - and, like their c hildren, they too c ertainly s peak their m inds , but I c an't s ay I've been ac c epted. I think you have to live in the area for upwards of three c enturies to los e the tag of "off-c om ed-un".' 'I know what you m ean,' I replied. 'I've only been in this part of the c ounty for four years m ys elf and, des pite being Y orks hire born and bred, I am definitely s till in the c ategory of the alien foreigner.' 'If I m ay s ay s o, Mr P hinn, it's hardly the s am e for you.' T he headteac her ros e from his c hair and s tood looking pens ively out of the s m all window, his hands c las ped behind him . 'S c hool ins pec tors travel around and are not c onfined to live and work every day in the heart of a c los ed, paroc hial c om m unity where everyone knows everybody els e's bus ines s . My wife and I bought our dream hous e in the c entre of the village, a little s tone c ottage with beam s and a flags tone floor and a s tream at the bottom of the garden, whic h, with hinds ight, was a m is take. My wife c an't walk down the s treet in Ugglem atters by without a c urtain m oving, s he c an't s ay anything in the pos t offic e without it being broadc as t around the whole neighbourhood and s he c an't purc has e an item from the village s hop without all and s undry knowing what we are having for tea. I get s topped by parents all the tim e, wis hing to dis c us s their c hildren's educ ation.' He turned away from the window, bit his lip m om entarily and began tugging nervous ly at his m ous tac he onc e again. 'It's s o very c laus trophobic ! ' 'I s ee.' He s hould have c ons idered all this , I thought to m ys elf, before he had ac c epted the pos ition, but I kept this obs ervation to m ys elf and c hanged the s ubjec t. 'Does Mrs B raddoc k-S m ith at the Infant S c hool have this problem ?' I as ked. 'Ugglem atters by Infant S c hool,' Mr Harris on told m e, s itting down again at his des k, 'is in a m uc h better pos ition than m ine. For a s tart, Mrs B raddoc k-S m ith's s c hool is not in the c entre of the village, s andwic hed between the nois y pub and a derelic t building, like we are. T he people who live on the new es tate of exec utive hous es s end their c hildren to the Infant S c hool. From what I have heard, they are very s upportive and have great expec tations for their c hildren. S taff at the Infant S c hool are keen, hard-working and am bitious , and the headteac her very s ens ibly lives outs ide the c atc hm ent area.' I had vis ited Ugglem atters by Infant S c hool jus t after I had s tarted as a s c hool ins pec tor and rem em bered it as a m odern, s pac ious building with endles s views ac ros s the ever-c hanging m oors . W hen, a num ber of years earlier, the village had begun to inc reas e and the pupil population ac c ordingly, it had been dec ided to s plit the J uniors from the Infants , then c urrently in the one s c hool, and the new s c hool had been built on a large open s ite jus t outs ide the village. I als o rec alled the extrem ely c onfident and effus ive headteac her who s pent m os t of our m eeting s inging the prais es of her wonderful s c hool. 'W ell,' I s aid to the obvious ly unhappy headteac her, 'perhaps you ought to c ons ider m oving.' 'T o be hones t, I have been looking for other jobs .' 'I m eant m oving hous e,' I s aid quic kly. 'Oh, I s ee. To be frank, it's not the fac t that I live in the village that's the real problem ,' Mr Harris on c ontinued dis c ons olately, res ting his hands on his des k. 'I c an jus t about c ope with the twitc hing c urtains and the lac k of any privac y. It's the people I work with.' He s hook his head again, took a deep breath and lowered his voic e. His gullet ros e and fell like a frog's . 'T he two teac hers I inherited are not exac tly inc om petent but, m y goodnes s , they c an be diffic ult. T hey do the very m inim um , and are not the m os t enthus ias tic or ac c om m odating of c olleagues , either. In fac t, they s pend m os t of the day c om plaining, as you will no doubt dis c over. Mrs B atters by, who teac hes the top J uniors , has been here all her teac hing c areer. Not only that, s he attended the s c hool hers elf as a c hild, went to s c hool with m os t of the grandparents and taught m os t of the c hildren's m others and fathers . S he's part of the furniture. In fac t, the wing-bac ked arm c hair s he s its in in the s taff room , s he brought from hom e. Her hus band, another form er pupil, owns an antique s hop in the village. He's a paris h c ounc illor, c hurc hwarden, treas urer of the P igeon Fanc iers S oc iety, a s talwart of the c om m unity. He knows everything and everybody. Mrs B atters by leaves s c hool two s ec onds after the bell to help her hus band in the s hop. Y ou would think from her reac tion when I s ugges ted that s he m ight like to produc e the s c hool play or attend an additional parents ' m eeting that I was m aking s om e gros s ly im proper advanc e. 'T he other teac her, Mrs S idebottom - whic h s he prefers to be pronounc ed S iddybothom e - well, I don't know where to s tart with her. S he, too, has been here m any years and is far far pric klier. It's like danc ing through a m inefield every tim e I s peak to her. W e never hit it off from the s tart after I m entioned that I felt her m anner with the c hildren was rather s harp. Of c ours e, as s oon as I took over as the headteac her, I followed your rec om m endations to s end them both on c ours es but it was wis hful thinking to im agine that a c ouple of days of in-s ervic e training at the S taff Developm ent Centre was going to c hange the habits of a lifetim e. T hey c am e bac k s aying what a c om plete was te of tim e it had been and I later dis c overed the s c ienc e guidelines , rec om m endations and notes given by Dr Mullarkey, the tutor, had been depos ited in a was tepaper bas ket. A gain, as you s ugges ted in the report, I did ins is t that they planned their les s ons m ore c arefully, whic h they now do - m ore or les s , anyway - and to m ark the c hildren's work m ore thoroughly, whic h they have done with s om ething of a vengeanc e, but I have got nowhere with m y reques ts that they s hould c ontribute rather m ore to the life and workof the s c hool. Mention out-of-s c hool ac tivities and they look fit to faint. T hey are forever rem inding m e that it is not in their c ontrac t. I am s orry to s ay that m any of m y efforts have fallen on s tony ground.' 'P erhaps you s hould have c ontac ted the E duc ation Offic e before this ,' I s aid. 'T he s ituation s ounds s erious .' 'I did think of doing jus t that, but a newly-appointed head-teac her running to the E duc ation Offic e before he's got his legs under the table, c om plaining and s aying he was having problem s , would not have gone down very well, now, would it?' He paus ed, tugged nervous ly at his m ous tac he again, then looked s traight at m e. 'A c tually, Mr P hinn,' he c ontinued, 'I had rather thought that you would have c alled in to s ee how I was getting on. In your report, you did s ay that you would be m aking a vis it to c hec k on how things were progres s ing. I rather expec ted that you would have got in touc h before now. A t m y las t s c hool in London, the s c hool ins pec tors were regular vis itors and I always welc om ed their s upport and advic e.' He had been right, of c ours e. I had prom is ed to return to the s c hool and m onitor progres s but I had failed to do s o. 'Yes ,' I replied now, rather s heepis hly, 'I did. I'm afraid I've been s o very bus y and I as s um ed, quite wrongly as it turns out, that things were im proving. It was rem is s of m e.' T hen I added defens ively, 'Of c ours e, Y orks hire is the bigges t c ounty in the c ountry - the s ize of Is rael, I've been told - and there are s o m any s c hools to vis it by a relatively s m all team of ins pec tors .' 'I'm not blam ing you, Mr P hinn,' the headteac her told m e. 'I am res pons ible for the effec tive running of the s c hool and it is down to m e to im plem ent your rec om m endations and m ake the nec es s ary c hanges .' Nevertheles s , I thought to m ys elf, I s hould have followed things up. 'I as s um ed,' Mr Harris on c ontinued, 'that onc e I had s ettled in and gained the c onfidenc e of the governors , parents and, hopefully, m y teac hing c olleagues , I c ould develop s o m any new and interes ting initiatives and m ove the s c hool forward. S adly, I have not been very s uc c es s ful. Many parents of the c hildren at the Infant S c hool don't want their c hildren educ ated at Ugglem atters by J uniors and opt for other s c hools when their offs pring reac h s even, rather than s ending them here. Over the las t few years , there's been a s teady haem orrhaging of c hildren from this s c hool and I've not been able to s tem the flow. Ugglem atters by us ed to have four c las s es ten years ago but now we're down to three and we los t our brightes t pupil in the top c las s las t week. S he's gone on to a preparatory s c hool in Ribs dyke. It's all very depres s ing.' 'W ell, I think we m ay have to c ons ider c om petenc y here, Mr Harris on,' I s aid. 'Mr P hinn! ' Mr Harris on burs t out. 'I have tried, I really have and -' 'No, no, not your c om petenc y but that of your teac hing s taff,' I has tily as s ured him . 'I as s um e the governors are aware of your c onc erns ?' 'In s om e part, yes , but there lies another diffic ulty. I get little s upport from the pres ent governing body. T he governors who appointed m e and were keen on the c hanges I s ugges ted at m y interview, unfortunately res igned - albeit for perfec tly valid reas ons - before I took up m y pos ition. T hey were replac ed by Counc illor S idebottom , who is now the c hairm an of the board, as s is ted by the paris h c ounc il nom inee and that's Mr B atters by. T he c lerk to the governing body is the s c hool s ec retary and s he's Mrs B atters by's s is ter-in-law. E ven the c aretaker is a relative. T hey are all as thic k as thieves . It's all terribly inc es tuous .' 'T hen the E duc ation Offic e m us t as s is t you to gras p this partic ular nettle,' I told him . W hils t I felt s orry for the m an, I did not relis h s uc h an unpleas ant bus ines s , partic ularly at the beginning of the new term , but I knew it was likely to be the only c ours e of ac tion. 'I've not s een the two teac hers s inc e m y las t vis it when, as you are aware, I was not im pres s ed. B ut if, as you des c ribe, things have not im proved, then we have to go down the road of c om petenc y proc eedings , whic h m ay lead to their dis m is s al. I will put the wheels in m otion.' 'Y ou im agine that it m ight c om e to that?' Mr Harris on as ked, c las ping his hands tightly in front of him and res ting them on the des k. 'Children only have the one c hanc e at educ ation,' I told him . 'T hey des erve enthus ias tic , optim is tic , c om m itted teac hers who have high expec tations of the pupils in their c are. From what you have told m e, the c hildren in this s c hool are getting a poor deal.' I s topped for a m om ent. I s eem ed to be repeating the s elfs am e words as I had done when I had vis ited the s c hool jus t over two years before and had delivered m y report. Clearly m y own efforts had produc ed little effec t either. 'It's not going to be eas y,' the headteac her told m e s adly, tugging at his long-s uffering m ous tac he onc e m ore. 'No, it's not going to be eas y.' He looked c om pletely defeated and weary. 'On the pos itive s ide,' I told him , attem pting to s ound c heerful, 'the s tate of the buildings has c ertainly im proved s inc e I was las t here, on the ins ide at any rate. It looks a whole lot brighter and m ore welc om ing and it's good to s ee the c hildren's efforts dis played to s uc h good effec t on the walls . I notic ed c om ing in that you now have a s m all library and it s eem s well s toc ked with s om e appropriate books . T his is c ertainly an im provem ent.' 'I do try,' he s aid unhappily, 'but I s om etim es wis h I had never left London. B eing a big fis h in a little pool does not have as m any m erits as I hoped for.' Following the depres s ing c onvers ation with the headteac her, I s pent the next part of the m orning obs erving the lower J uniors , a c las s of s even-to nine-year-olds and their pric kly teac her. Mrs S idebottom , tall and thin with a pale, m elanc holy, beaked fac e, was like a heron in her prim white blous e buttoned up to the nec k and tight grey s kirt from whic h protruded s keletal legs . Her thic k white hair was twis ted up untidily on her head and s peared with what looked like wooden m eat s kewers . W hen I entered her c las s room , s he fingered the c am eo brooc h at her throat, drew her lips together into a tight little and s tared at m e with Gorgon feroc ity. 'Good m orning,' I s aid heartily. 'Good m orning,' Mrs S idebottom replied, with c ool im m utable gravity in her voic e. 'Good m orning, c hildren,' I s aid, turning to the c las s that s at in s erried rows behind old-fas hioned wooden des ks . 'Good m o-or-ning, Hins pec tor P hinn,' they c horus ed. 'W e were expec ting you, Mr P hinn,' the teac her s aid in a c oldly form al and s uperior voic e. Her eyes refus ed to m eet m ine. 'I rather as s um ed that you would be here at the very s tart of the les s on.' S he glanc ed theatric ally at her wris twatc h. 'I s uppos e the roads from Fettles ham were bus y at this tim e in the m orning.' T here was a quiet s arc as m in the tone of her reply. 'I was with the headteac her,' I explained, 'and have been s inc e I arrived at the s c hool at eight thirty.' I was m inded to add, 'before you arrived' but I res is ted the tem ptation. 'I s ee.' S he gave m e a little s m ile - but s till wouldn't look direc tly at m e; it was not a very pleas ant s m ile. 'W ell, now you are here, I'll explain a little of what we are about.' 'P erhaps one of the c hildren c ould tell m e.' 'V ery well,' the teac her s aid, bris tling a little. 'S im one, c ould you explain to Mr P hinn what we do on T hurs day m ornings ?' 'W e're learn in' 'ow to s peyk proper,' a large healthy-looking girl with c heeks as round and as red as a polis hed apple inform ed m e in her s trong Y orks hire ac c ent. 'A ll on us in t'c las s 'ave to -' 'I am endeavouring, Mr P hinn,' the teac her c ut in s harply, 'to enc ourage the c hildren to s peak c learly, expres s ively and ac c urately with dis tinc t artic ulation s o that they c an be unders tood by thos e with whom they c onvers e. Mos t of the c hildren c om e from the im m ediate loc ality and it is s o diffic ult s om etim es to unders tand what they are s aying.' S he gave the unpleas ant little s m ile again. 'Mr Harris on, being a s outherner, has experienc ed quite a deal of trouble dec iphering the c hildren's s peec h. T heir ac c ents do tend to be -' 'A n' on T hurs day m ornin', all of us in t'c las s , we'ave to -' S im one s tarted to s ay. 'One m om ent, S im one,' the teac her intervened, quic kly and irritably, 'it's rude to interrupt when s om eone els e is s peaking.' It had been, of c ours e, exac tly what s he hers elf had done. 'P ut down your hand and s it up properly.' S he turned in m y direc tion again and this tim e our eyes m et and I dis c erned in hers a flas h of defianc e. 'I don't s uppos e in this politic ally-c orrec t world of ours it is the "done thing" to im prove c hildren's s peec h and teac h them c orrec t pronunc iation but I c ons ider it to be of the utm os t im portanc e. One hears s uc h s lovenly us e of the E nglis h language thes e days , does n't one, the dreadful jargon, c olloquial vulgaris m s , s loppy expres s ions and awful s lang, m uc h of it gleaned from the televis ion, I s hould add. S o, onc e a week, we do a little work on our s poken E nglis h.' 'I s ee,' I s aid, m y heart beginning to plum m et. 'S o, if you would like to take a c hair,' Mrs S idebottom ins truc ted, 'we s hall c ontinue.' S he ges tured at a wooden s traight-bac ked c hair in the c orner of the room . 'You m ight c are to s ee m y les s on plan a little later,' s he added pointedly. 'Now,' the teac her s aid, turning to fac e the c las s , 'when everyone is looking this way - and that does inc lude you, David S c rim s haw - we c an res um e. W here were we?' 'P age forty-s even, m is s ,' the c las s c horus ed. 'A h yes ,' the teac her s aid. 'E xerc is e one on page forty-s even. Off you go.' T he c hildren then proc eeded to c hant half-heartedly various eloc utionary exerc is es . 'Gertie Gordon from Glas gow grew a gros s of gaudy gay gladioli.' 'Good! ' the teac her s napped out. 'A nd the next.' 'Careful K aty from Colc hes ter c ut and c ooked a c ris p and c runc hy c abbage.' 'Good! Next.' 'T hey thought they had fought to defeat the fort but they found they had fought for naught.' 'Good! Next.' 'W endy and W illiam walked wearily down the wet and winding way to the water-s welled weir.' 'Mis s , what's that word?' a s m all pixie-fac ed girl s itting at the front enquired. 'W hat word?' the teac her as ked. 'T 'las t un, m is s .' Mrs S idebottom s c rutinis ed the page before inform ing her, 'W eir.' 'T heer,' the c hild replied, s tabbing the book with a s m all finger. T he teac her s ighed. 'A weir is a low dam built ac ros s a river to rais e the level of the water.' 'T ha c an trap fis h in a weir, m is s ,' a c hild at the bac k of the c las s room volunteered. 'I'm s ure you c an,' the teac her replied. 'Let's c ontinue.' E xerc is e four c aus ed s om e problem s for the c hildren who, I gues s ed, had all been rais ed in the heart of the Y orks hire Dales . 'E nery 'A ll 'ops on 'is 'eels . W hat an odd 'abit. 'Ow 'orrid hit feels . 'Oppin' on 'is 'eels His n't 'oppin' at all. S o why not 'op properly, 'E nery 'A ll? T here was a long deep audible exhalation from Mrs S ide-bottom . 'No, no, no! ' s he c ried, s haking her head s o vigorous ly that a s trand of white hair es c aped and fell over her forehead. 'How m any more tim es do I have to tell you not to drop your aitc hes ?' S he then dem ons trated how the poem s hould be rec ited, overenunc iating every s yllable. 'Henry Hall hops on his heels ...'. W hen s he had finis hed huffing, the teac her looked up from the textbook. 'Now, c hildren, let us try again.' Des pite s everal m ore attem pts the c hildren c ontinued to drop every aitc h pos s ible and add the letter where none was required. 'Let's try exerc is e num ber five,' Mrs S idebottom s aid, s ighing again and c olouring s lightly. 'Firs t, lis ten c arefully to how it s hould be s aid.' S he dec laim ed another piec e of doggerel. Down the paaath and ac ros s the graaas , T he little c hildren run, T o s ee the bird baaath by the bower A nd the tall trees in the s un. A nd s o the les s on dragged on for a further wearis om e and pleas ure-des troying quarter of an hour until the teac her told the c hildren to write out the exerc is es neatly and c arefully in their books and to learn them at hom e for another prac tic e the following T hurs day m orning. T his gave m e a c hanc e to look at the dull and hurriedly dis played work on the walls and to exam ine the c hildren's books as , heads down, the c las s applied its elf quietly to c opy out the s illy exerc is es . T he door s uddenly flew open and a boy with long blac k hair tied bac k in a pony tail and prom inent, very white front teeth, burs t in. 'S orry I'm late, m is s is ,' he s aid breathles s ly in a pronounc ed Iris h brogue, 'but the 'os s es got out again and I 'ad to 'elp m i da get 'em bac k. It was the divvil's own job rounding 'em up.' 'Com e in, Niall,' the teac her s aid. S he s tared at the boy as a rattles nake m ight s tare at a rat. 'Now you've arrived, s it down quic kly and get on with your work.' 'Y es , m is s is ,' he s aid, heading for a des k at the bac k near to where I was s itting. He gave m e a c rooked s m ile when he c aught s ight of m e. 'W e are c opying out the exerc is es on page forty-s even in your textbook, The Road to E ffec tiv e S peak ing,' s he told him and then adding, 'T o be prac tis ed at hom e.' Mrs S idebottom s idled over to m e at this point and inform ed m e s otto v oc e that the boy was from a travellers ' fam ily, 'tinkers to be m ore prec is e', and that he m is s ed m ore tim e at s c hool than he attended, but that fortunately he wouldn't be with her for m uc h longer. S he went on to tell m e that he c ould jus t about read and write and that his num ber work was extrem ely poor. 'In m y day, they were c alled gyps ies ,' s he told m e quietly, 'but now, of c ours e, we have to refer to them as travellers , tinkers , Rom anies , whatever the "in" word happens to be. To m y m ind, this is another s illy exam ple of politic al c orrec tnes s . A fter the A ppleby Hors e Fair in J une, a gaggle of them always s ets up c am p near here for the s um m er, parking on the s oft verges , dis rupting the whole c om m unity, dropping litter, and m aking a general nuis anc e of them s elves until they leave about now to travel s outh to s om e other hors e fair. My hus band, County Counc illor S idebottom , is trying to s top them c om ing here but to date, unfortunately, it has been to no avail. Have you m et m y hus band, by the way?' s he as ked. 'No, I haven't,' I replied. 'He's rec ently been elec ted to the County Counc il,' Mrs S idebottom inform ed m e, 'and is a c olleague of Counc illor P eters on, who, as you are no doubt aware, is very influential on the E duc ation Com m ittee. My hus band has a partic ular interes t in s c hools and teac hing and hopes to be elec ted to the E duc ation Com m ittee in due c ours e.' I detec ted a veiled threat in her voic e. 'W ell, I haven't m et him ,' I s aid, s om ewhat dis m is s ively. 'I'm s ure you will,' s he told m e. I had an uneas y feeling that the m eeting with County Counc illor S idebottom would be s ooner rather than later.

'Y ou were telling m e about the traveller c hildren,' I s aid. S he s hook her head and another s trand of hair es c aped. 'It really is very inc onvenient. T he c hildren arrive one m inute and leave the next s o I hope you are not expec ting to s ee a great deal in Niall's book.' B efore I had a c hanc e to reply, s he c ontinued. 'I would be very interes ted to hear what s ugges tions y ou have in helping m e to teac h the c hild.' Her voic e was pers is tently filled with quiet s arc as m . I was c ertain that any s ugges tions I m ight proffer to this teac her would fall on s tony ground and any guidelines I gave her would be c ons igned to the bin. 'I think we are running a c ours e on that very s ubjec t next term ,' I told her gleefully. 'I'll s end you all the inform ation and res erve you a plac e, if you wis h.' W hen Mrs S idebottom returned to her des k at the front of the c las s room , I approac hed the boy who had been the topic of the c onvers ation. 'Hello,' I s aid, pulling up the hard wooden c hair to s it bes ide him . 'How are ya?' he as ked, with nonc halant c onfidenc e. He was a hands om e lad with a tanned s kin and a ready s m ile. 'I'm fine.' 'S o am I, but I'm a bit knac kered, s o I am , after c has ing the bloody 'os s es . B y J ays us , they gave us a run for us m oney. S till, we got 'em all bac k.' 'May I look at your book?' I as ked. 'Now, who would ya be?' 'A n ins pec tor,' I replied. 'A h, ya do have a look of the polis about ya,' he rem arked, s c rewing round to peer up at m e c los ely. 'A s c hool ins pec tor.' 'S o what do ya do?' 'I vis it s c hools to hear c hildren read and look at their work,' I told him . 'W ell now, that s ounds like a great num ber to be on, s pending your days lis tening to kids read. Now, how would ya be getting a job like that?' 'B y working hard at s c hool,' I told him , reac hing for his exerc is e book. He plac ed his hand on m ine. 'Now, don't yous be expec ting m uc h in there,' he s aid. 'I'm not one for the reading and the writing and the m ental arithm etic s . I jus t c an't get m y head around this frac tion and perc entages bus ines s .' 'Y ou need to know about frac tions and perc entages , Niall,' I told him . 'A nd why is that now?' 'B ec aus e if you don't know about frac tions and perc entages , people m ight c heat you.' 'T hey won't be c heating me,' he s aid vehem ently, banging his fis t on the des kas he reac hed the word 'm e'. 'J us t let 'em try! ' 'W hat do you want to do when you leave s c hool?' I as ked the boy. 'I want to do what m y da does .' 'A nd what does he do?' 'He c ollec ts s c rap m etal and s ells it.' 'A nd what's the s ort of s c rap that is bes t to c ollec t and res ell, that gives you the greates t profit?' 'Oil drum s ,' he ans wered after a m om ent's thought. 'T here's a good m arket for us ed oil drum s .' 'Now s uppos e s om eone told you he'd got a hundred oil drum s and he s aid that he would s ell you a quarter of them - that's twenty-five per c ent of them . B ec aus e you don't know about frac tions and perc entages , you wouldn't know, would you, if he s old you the right am ount? He c ould be c heating you. He c ould s ell you ten or fifteen rather than the twenty-five bec aus e you wouldn't know what a quarter of a hundred is . S o you s ee, you need to unders tand about frac tions and perc entages .' 'No one would dare c heat m e,' the boy ins is ted, in a hard determ ined voic e. 'B ut you wouldn't know whether he was or not,' I pers is ted. Niall c ons idered what I had s aid for a m om ent, rubbed his c hin and then nodded. 'He wouldn't c heat m e bec aus e if he s aid you c an have a quarter of them there oil drum s , I'd s ay to him , "I'll have the lot or none at all."' T here was little c hanc e, I thought, of anyone c heating one s o c anny. A s I looked through the boy's book, red-c heeked S im one piped up, 'Mis s , I c an't find m i readin' book. I don't know weer I've gone an' putten it.' 'I c annot find m y reading book,' the teac her repeated s lowly and prec is ely, 'bec aus e I do not know where I have put it.' 'T hat's wor I jus t s aid, m is s . I've gorran putten it down s om eweer an' I don't know weer I've putten it.' 'I have put it down s om ewhere, S im one,' c orrec ted Mrs S idebottom , 'but I do not know where I have put it.' 'Have ya, m is s ?' the c hild as ked innoc ently. 'Did y ou 'ave m i book, then?' 'No, y ou have put it down,' the teac her s aid, drawing a deep exas perated breath. 'I know, m is s , that's wor I jus t s aid,' the girl ans wered, s c rewing up her nos e. 'T here is no s uc h word, S im one, as "putten",' the teac her explained. 'T he word is "put". "I have put down m y book" and not "I have putten down m y book."' 'Mis s ! ' another c hild piped up. 'S he's gone an' putten it on my des k. It's 'ere.' 'P ut, W illiam , put,' the teac her c orrec ted s harply. Mrs S ide-bottom s ighed dram atic ally. 'You know, Mr P hinn,' s he s aid, 's om etim es I really as k m ys elf why I bother.' I as ked m ys elf the s elfs am e ques tion. 'I think I am fighting a los ing battle,' s he c ontinued, 'trying to get the c hildren to s peak properly.' I was c ertain s he was right in that as well. J us t before m orning break, the teac her wrote a s entenc e in large white letters on the blac kboard: 'I have putten m y book on the teac her's des k.' 'Now, c hildren,' s he s aid, fac ing the c las s . 'Look this way, pleas e. On the blac kboard I have written a s entenc e. W ho c an tell m e what is wrong with it?' Y oung W illiam waved his hand bac kwards and forwards in the air like a lupin in a s trong wind. 'I know, m is s ! ' he s houted out. 'Com e along then, W illiam , what is wrong with the s entenc e, "I have putten m y book on the teac her's des k'?" 'Mis s ,' the boy replied, 'tha's gone and putten "putten" when tha s hould 'ave putten "put".'

3 I had only been in the s c hool for jus t over two hours , had had a revealing c onvers ation with the unhappy head teac her, had s at in on a dis tinc tly dull and unnec es s ary les s on, and had looked at a range of c hildren's work books , m os t of whic h I judged to be uns atis fac tory. I was dis m ayed to find that the various m ajor rec om m endations about the teac hing c ontained in m y previous report s eem ed to have been largely ignored. During the break, therefore, I found a s ec luded area in the s m all s c hool library. I was keen to m ake s om e notes while m y c onc erns were s till fres h in m y m ind. I was jus t s tarting to jot down m y obs ervations about the c onvers ation with Mr Harris on when I was aware of a figure s tanding a few feet away. He was a s m all wiry lad of about ten or eleven with an earnes t, purpos eful fac e, wild tufty ginger hair s prouting up from his head like a c lum p of dry gras s , a s c attering of frec kles around his nos e and bright intelligent eyes . His s m all hands were plac ed firm ly on his hips , his legs apart. He looked like a m iniature adm iral on the quarterdec k fac ing a m utinous c rew and dem anding who the ringleader was . He thrus t his fac e into m ine, s tuc k out his c hin and dem anded, 'S o, what are you for?' I s m iled and s hook m y head. 'W hat am I for?' I repeated, c huc kling. 'A ye,' he s aid quic kly, 'what are you for?' 'I'm a s c hool ins pec tor,' I told him , c ontinuing to s m ile. 'I knows that,' he s ighed, s c rewing up his nos e. 'Mes ter 'A rris on, our 'eadteac her, 'e telled us that you were a s c hool ins pec tor and you'd be c om in' in today. Mes ter 'A rris on, 'e s aid we 'ad this im portant vis itor this m ornin' an' for us to be on us bes t behaviour, m ek s ure we watc hes us m anners , an' ans wer yer ques tions and 'e telled us 'ow all on us 'ad to look 'appy an' interes ted - but what I wants to know is what are you for?' A large girl with a pale m oon fac e, large owl eyes and two big bunc hes of thic k s traw-c oloured hair tied with c rim s on ribbons , appeared from behind a s helf of books and s tared at m e im pas s ively. S he was s porting a tight pink T -s hirt with 'LIT T LE MIS S S UNS HINE ' em blazoned ac ros s the front in large glittery uneven letters . I s m iled at her but s he s tared bac k at m e as if I were s om e s trange and rather unpleas ant exhibit dis played in a m us eum c as e. S he then proc eeded to explore her nos e with her index finger. A little green bubble em ptied and filled in the other c rus ty nos tril. 'W ell,' I s aid to the boy, 'I go into s c hools and s ee what c hildren are doing.' 'W hy?' the c hild as ked brus quely, tilting his head to one s ide. 'B ec aus e that is what I do for a living.' 'W ell, dunt you 'ave a proper job, like?' I laughed. 'I think it is a proper job,' I told him . T his ques tion had been put to m e a good few tim es before by inquis itive pupils , s o I was well us ed to hearing it and ans wering it. T he large girl was now exam ining the c ontents of her nos e c ritic ally. T hen s he wiped her finger on her T -s hirt, s niffed loudly to rem ove the bubble of m uc us , ran a s m all finger ac ros s the bas e of her nos e and departed. I hoped the boy m ight depart too but he rem ained res olutely rooted to the s pot in front of m e, his arm s s till akim bo. 'Dooan't m ind 'Y ac inth,' he inform ed m e, c onfidentially. He tapped the s ide of his nos e knowingly. 'S he's got what they c alls es pec ial needs , tha knaas .' 'T hank you for telling m e,' I s aid. I notic ed his us e of 'tha'. T he c hildren of the Dales tended to drift in and out of the loc al dialec t. 'S he lives up on t'tops at Ferntop Farm and foots it to t's c hoil every day - all two m ile on it. 'Yac inth's not m uc h c op at yer writin' an' yer readin' an' yer addin' up an' s uc h, but by the 'ell, s he c an't 'arf arm wres tle. Cham pion at c onkers an' all, an' good at footie in t'goal. A ye, s he's a gret feighter is 'Yac inth. Nob'dy m es s es around wi' 'er.' 'I'll bear that in m ind,' I s aid. T his pupil interrogation, interes ting though I was finding it, was bec om ing rather tim e c ons um ing and I was keen to get on with writing down in m y note book s om e initial thoughts on the m orning's events . T here was m uc h to rec ord and I wanted to get on with it while things were fres h in m y m ind. 'S o what do you ac tually do, then?' s aid the ginger-headed boy, thrus ting his frec kled fac e even c los er to m ine. 'W hat are you for?' 'I vis it s c hools and I hear c hildren read,' I inform ed him patiently. 'I look at their books and exam ine the work, s ee how well they write, if they c an s pell words , us e punc tuation and then I talk to the teac hers to s ee that everything is all right.' 'W hy?' 'B ec aus e I have to m ake s ure that all in the s c hool is as it s hould be.' 'Is that abaat it, then?' he as ked. 'J us t about, but I then s ugges t ways that we c an m ake the educ ation in the s c hool even better.' 'W ell, if tha as ks m e,' c onfided the boy, 'I think tha's got a reight job on 'ere.' 'Really?' 'Oh aye.' W hen vis iting s c hools , I often as k the c hildren ques tions about how s atis fied they are with their educ ation, but without s ingling out partic ular teac hers and les s ons . I now as ked the boy, 'S o, if you had a m agic wand and c ould c hange things in this s c hool, what would you c hange?' He puffed out his c heeks and exhaled nois ily. ''Ow long 'as tha got?' he as ked. 'A ll right,' I s aid. 'W hat is the bes t part of your day in this s c hool?' 'Goin' 'om e,' he replied, without paus e for thought. 'I s ee.' 'A re tha gunna write it down in that little blac k book o' yourn?' 'Not at the m om ent,' I told him . 'S o, tha'r a s ooart of expert on educ ation then, are tha?' he obs erved. 'Y es , I s uppos e I am .' T he boy blew out nois ily again through purs ed lips . His expres s ion was one of exaggerated dis dain. 'Mi dad 'ates hexperts ,' he told m e, s c rewing up his fac e. His eyes gleam ed with an im pis h delight. 'Oh aye, no tim e for 'em at all. He 'ates ins pec tors , an' all. 'E don't s ee point to ins pec tors , m i dad. 'E dunt know what they're for. W e 'ave ins pec tors from t'Minis try c om in' up to our farm c hec kin' up on t'beeas ts , watc hin' what we're gerrin up to, as kin' ques tions , writin' s tuff down. Mi dad s ays they're a bloody nuis anc e and it's a reight pity they've got nowt els e berrer to do wi' their tim e than interferin' in other people's lives . A ny road, that's what 'e s ays . 'E s ays they're abaat as m uc h us e as a c hoc olate fireguard, allus pokin' their nos es into other people's bus ines s .' T he boy nodded s oberly and s et his c hin a little harder I had been the County Ins pec tor for E nglis h and Dram a in Yorks hire now for four years and had bec om e well us ed to the plain, outs poken and dis arm ing pupils I had m et in the c ours e of m y work. I had found the young c hildren of the Dales in partic ular to be am us ing, forthright, inquis itive and s harply obs ervant and, on s om e oc c as ions , like this lad, pos s es s ing the tenac ity of a Y orks hire terrier and the bluntnes s of a s ledgeham m er. I thought it an opportune m om ent to c urtail the c onvers ation with m y c ritic al young c hatterer. 'Is n't it m orning break?' I as ked pleas antly. 'T ha'r not wrong theer,' he replied. 'S o s houldn't you be out in the playground getting s om e fres h air and exerc is e?' 'I'd like to be,' he told m e, grim ac ing, 'but I've been kept in. W e 'ave to s it in t'c orridor if we're in trouble. It's c alled detention.' 'S o you're in trouble then?' I as ked. 'Mis s is B atters by, s he's m y teac her, s he s aid I 'ad to s top in 'c os I've been c hatterin' too m uc h this m ornin' an' not gerrin on wi' m i work.' I c ould s ee the teac her's point of view. He s tabbed a s m all finger in the direc tion of m y lap. 'Can I s ee what tha's writ down in that little blac k note book o' yourn?' 'I'm afraid not.' 'W hy?' 'B ec aus e it's private,' I told him . 'W ell, y ou look at our work.' 'It's a bit different,' I s aid, attem pting to extric ate m ys elf from a diffic ult pos ition. 'T his is c onfidential.' 'A ye, all reight,' he s aid. 'S uit this s en. I'll no doubt s ee thee later. I'v e got work to do s o I c an't s tand 'ere blatherin' all day.' 'Goodbye then,' I s aid, greatly relieved. I flic ked open the c over of m y note book and got ready to put down m y thoughts but the boy rem ained where he was , watc hing m y every m ovem ent. 'Y es ?' I as ked. 'Is there s om ething els e?' 'I'm writin' about what I did on S at'day,' he told m e. 'Really?' I s napped the note book s hut. I c ould s ee that I was in for another long c onvers ation. 'Mis s is B atters by 'as gor us to write abaat s um m at interes tin' we did ovver t'weekend.' 'S o what did you -' I began. T he boy was in full flight and c ontinued without s eem ing to draw breath. 'I know what Mis s is B atters by's been doin' ovver t'weekend,' he s aid with a knowing wink. 'S he's gone an' putten that dis play up theer on t'yonder wall in t'c orridor outs ide 'er c las s room . S he never puts owt m uc h up out theer but s he's gone to town wi' this 'un. It's all abaat t'Gret Fire o' London s o tha berrer tek a look at it or s he'll not be bes t pleas ed. S om etim es s he gets in a real paddy an' s tarts s houtin' at us but I rec kon they'll not be m uc h o' that when tha'r in wi' us . S he's as nic e as pie if we 'ave vis itors . It's been purrup s pec ial like, that dis play.' 'It's very im pres s ive,' I s aid. 'A ye,' he replied, nodding s agely. 'S o what c an you tell m e about the Great Fire of London?' I as ked. 'Nowt.' 'I thought you'd been s tudying it.' 'Nay, I dint s ay we'd been s tudyin' it. Las t 'is tory topic we did were on t'V ikings . W e did 'em wi' Mis s is S idebottom las t year and we did 'em ageean wi' Mis s is B atters by. I'm s ic ko' t'V ikings . I c an tell thee owt abaat t'V ikings if tha wants but I know nowt about t'Gret Fire o' London. Clas s what s he 'ad s om e year bac k did all t'writin' and all t'pic tures were done by Mis s is B atters by. None of us write that neat or paint like that.' 'I s ee.' 'Mi dad pas s ed s c hoil on S unday neet and all t'lights were s till on. It were like B lac kpool Hillum inations , m i dad s aid. 'A ppen t'teac hers were m arkin' t'books and tidyin' up and m ekkin' things s hit-s hape for thy vis it.' 'S hip-s hape,' I c orrec ted. 'It's s hip-s hape.' 'W hat is ?' 'T he s c hool.' 'A ye, it looks a lot berrer than it us ually does . T here's never m uc h on t'walls us ually 'c ept what Mes ter 'A rris on puts up. He's all reight, Mes ter 'A rris on. 'E 's from t's outh, tha knaas . Reight diffic ult to know what 'e's on abaat s om etim es though. 'E 's not from thes e parts .' T he boy m ade a m ove but then he s topped in his trac ks to add with a broad s m ile. 'I think Mis s is B atters by's really looking forward to thy vis it.' 'Really?' I doubted that very m uc h. 'A ye. I 'eard 'er telling Mis s is S idebottom that tha were c om in' in today. S he s aid that was all s he needed. 'A ppen that's why s he's 'ad 'er 'air done s pec ial.' 'B efore you go,' I s aid, 'you m ight like to tell m e your nam e.' 'W ell, m i m am an' dad c alls m e Charlie but m i teac her, s he c alls m e Charles .' 'A nd what s hall I c all you?' 'T ha c an s uit this s en,' he s aid. 'I'll ans wer to owther.' 'T ell m e, Charlie, what is your ac c ount about?' 'T ha what?' 'T he piec e of writing you are finis hing, about what you did over the weekend. W hat is it about?' 'Oh, that. Me an' m i brother 'elped m i dad c as trate three bulloc ks .' W ith a c heerful wave, the boy returned to his des k leaving the Ins pec tor of S c hools with open m outh and c om pletely los t for words . Following the break, I joined Mrs B atters by's c las s and m et young Charlie again. 'Hey up, Mes ter P hinn,' he s aid as I entered the c las s room . 'Hello, Charlie,' I replied. 'It's Mes ter P hinn, m is s ,' Charlie inform ed her enthus ias tic ally, pointing at m e. 'I've m et 'im .' 'I do have eyes , Charles ,' s aid the teac her. 'It's nic e to s ee you, Mr P hinn,' s he s aid unc onvinc ingly. It was c lear by her dem eanour that Mrs B atters by was far from happy to s ee m e. My report of her les s on on the las t vis it had been c ritic al s o I c ould hardly expec t to be rec eived like the P rodigal S on, and was therefore prepared for the tight-lipped and s olem n c ountenanc e. 'S it down, Charles ,' ins truc ted the teac her. 'Y ou're jum ping up and down like a jac k-in-the-box with fleas .' T here was a s light trem ble in her voic e. 'Good m orning, c hildren,' I s aid brightly. 'Mornin', Mes ter P hinn,' they replied in unis on. 'S o you've m et Charles ,' s aid the teac her, rais ing a hand to her throat where a s m all red nervous ras h was appearing. 'Quite a little c harac ter, is n't he?' 'Y es , we've had an interes ting c onvers ation.' S he glanc ed at the boy dis approvingly and looked quite dis c onc erted. 'Really?' 'Y es , we were having a little c hatter at break tim e,' I s aid. 'W hen he s hould have been c om pleting his work,' s aid the teac her. 'Charles has a great deal to s ay for him s elf, Mr P hinn, as I im agine you dis c overed. He does s o like to c hatter.' S he em phas is ed the final word. 'I hope that he behaved him s elf and didn't s peak out of turn.' 'Oh no, he was very polite,' I told her. Charlie's fac e broke into a wide s m ile and there was a hint of m is c hief in his bright eyes . 'W e were talking about the Great Fire of London and I was adm iring your dis play.' Mrs B atters by's fac e c oloured a little and s he gave a thin s m ile. 'I'm pleas ed to hear it,' s he s aid. 'S om etim es c hildren tend to s ay the wrong thing. I always s ay to their parents that if they don't believe everything their c hildren s ay about m e then I won't believe everything that their c hildren s ay about them .' S he gave a s m all agitated laugh. Mrs B atters by was a dum py, s harp-eyed wom an of indeterm inate age, and wearing a bright pink turtlenec k jum per and heavy grey s hapeles s s kirt. To c om plete the ens em ble s he s ported a large rope of am ber beads and heavy brown brogues . I s m iled inwardly when I c aught s ight of the c arefully perm ed hair and rec alled the c onvers ation s hortly before with young Charlie. During the les s on, the c hildren worked quietly, c opying up their ac c ounts of their weekend ac tivities . Mrs B atters by s at at her des k and a s m all queue of readers form ed to read to her from their books . A s I wandered around the c las s room talking to the c hildren and exam ining their work, the teac her c ons tantly looked up and watc hed m y progres s with s m all blac k s us pic ious eyes . T he firs t c hild to whom I s poke, a s tout girl c alled Ruby, was only too pleas ed to s how m e her book. It was neat and c ontained s om e interes ting s tories , poem s and language exerc is es but the teac her had been very heavy-handed with the m arking pen. T here was s o m uc h red on it that it looked as if s om eone with a nos ebleed had leaned over the page. 'W e us ually have the Lepros y Hour every T hurs day after break,' s he told m e c onfidentially, 'but we've got to finis h our ac c ount of what we did over the weekend.' 'W hatever is the Lepros y Hour?' I as ked m ys tified. 'It's really c alled the Literac y Hour,' the girl told m e, 'but m is s c alls it the Lepros y Hour bec aus e s he hates it. W hen Mr Harris on c am e, he s aid we all had to do an hour of E nglis h and m aths every m orning bec aus e we needed to get better at writing and num ber work. W e have the Innum erac y Hour as well.' 'I s ee. S o what is your ac c ount about?' I as ked, pulling her exerc is e book towards m e. 'W ell,' replied the girl, s wivelling around to fac e m e, 'I'm writing about what I did on S aturday.' 'A nd what did you do on S aturday?' I as ked. 'I helped m y Grandpa Morris on build a drys tone wall.' 'Really? T hat s ounds very interes ting.' 'Do you know anything about drys tone walling?' s he as ked. 'I do, as a m atter of fac t,' I told her. 'A t the c ottage in Hawks rill where I live I had a drys tone wall built at the bottom of the garden. T he m an who built it for m e -' 'W ho was it?' interrupted the c hild. 'His nam e was T om Fields .' 'I'll as k m y Grandpa Morris on if he knows him ,' s he s aid. 'He knows m os t of the wallers around here. Go on, then.' 'P ardon?' 'Y ou were telling m e about your drys tone wall.' 'W ell, T om told m e a little bit about how drys tone walls are built. For exam ple, how the fields around where I live were all walled at one tim e but when they fall down, the farm ers us ually replac e the wall with fenc ing. S om etim es they us e bits of the old wall to patc h s om ewhere els e.'

'T hat's true enough,' agreed the girl. 'S o how high is your wall, bec aus e they vary, you know.' 'T om told m e it would be high enough to keep out the s heep and low enough not to s poil m y lovely view. I s uppos e it m us t be about four feet high.' 'W e us ually work in m etres thes e days ,' Ruby told m e in the m anner of a teac her c orrec ting a c hild who had ans wered a ques tion wrongly. 'S o how long is it?' 'I'm s uppos ed to be looking at your work, Ruby,' I s aid pleas antly, and then I winked. 'A nd I'm us ually the one who as ks the ques tions .' T he c hild's ac c ount was c lear and detailed. S he des c ribed how at s ix thirty on the S aturday m orning s he had got 'kitted out' in old jeans , woollen jac ket, boots (with m etal toe c aps ) and a large pair of leather gloves , and had s et off with her grandfather and two of his friends in the Land Rover to repair a hundredyear-old wall on the es tate of Lord Marric k. Firs t s he had helped when the m en dug a trenc h, pulling out the roots . T hey had then neatly s tac ked the s m all s tones c alled 'heartings ' that would be us ed later to pac kthe c entre of the wall. T he bas e of the wall, s he wrote, was us ually twic e the width of the top layer otherwis e the whole lot would c ollaps e. 'If the wall is built properly, it will las t for 150 years .' S he des c ribed how the heavy s tones had been put in plac e firs t and finally the c opes tones had been pac ked tightly on the top whic h gave the finis hed wall added s trength and height - 'but they were too heavy for m e to lift up that high,' s he wrote. 'It's really like doing a big jigs aw puzzle,' s he told m e. 'If m y Grandpa Morris on c an't get a s tone jus t right, he s om etim es pus hes it in really hard and s ays , 'Get in, tha bugger! ' and then s ays , 'P ardon m i Frenc h."' S he giggled. 'My Grandpa Morris on s ays that drys tone walls m ake c os y hom es for all s orts of c reatures voles , wizzles , lizards , s low-worm s , hedgepigs , toads , s piders and bees - s o they're very im portant. Y ou als o get m os s es and foxgloves and wrens and wheatears . Did you know that?' 'I didn't,' I s aid. W hat a c onfident girl I thought and what an am azing ac c ount. A fter Ruby, I headed for another des k but was c ut off by Charlie. 'Mes ter P hinn, c om e an' 'ave a look at m i book. I've jus t finis hed.' I was not partic ularly interes ted to read about the boy's m orning s pent c as trating bulloc ks s o I told him I would look later. He would not, however, let m e get away s o lightly. 'I'm gerrin a book for m i birthday next week,' he told m e. 'A big un. I'm m ad on books .' 'I'm very pleas ed to hear it,' I s aid. 'S o am I.' 'A re tha?' 'I am ,' I told him . 'T here's nothing better than a book.' 'T ha's reight theer, Mes ter P hinn.' I arrived at another des k but Charlie followed m e and thrus t his fac e into m in 'Mi dad s ays I c an go wi' 'im and c hoos e one for m is s en.' 'S o how m any books have you got already?' I as ked. ' None.' 'None?' 'It's m i firs t,' announc ed the boy. ''A s tha any books then, Mes ter P hinn?' 'Lots and lots of them . My hous e is full of them .' 'Do yer keep 'em in tha 'ous e?' He looked as tonis hed by this revelation. 'I do, yes . I have a s pec ial room where I keep all m y books .' 'How m any 'as tha got?' 'Hundreds .' ''Undreds ! Gerron! ' 'Y es , I have.' 'W here do you pur 'em all?' 'On the s helves .' T he boy threw bac k his head and laughed. 'I've jus t c ottoned on,' he s aid. 'T ha talkin' about books what you read, aren't tha?' 'Y es ,' I replied. ' W ell, I'm on abaat buc ks what ya breed - m ale rabbits ! ' I s hook m y head and laughed too. 'S om ething appears to have am us ed you both.' Mrs B atters by had m aterialis ed at our s ide with an expres s ion like the wic ked fairy at the c hris tening feas t. 'W e were jus t dis c us s in' buc ks , m is s ,' Charlie told her. 'W ell, you c an fetc h your book now, Charles , bec aus e it's your turn to read to m e.' Mrs B atters by turned to m e. 'Charles 's reading leaves a lot to be des ired, I'm afraid, Mr P hinn. T oo m uc h televis ion, I s houldn't wonder.' I felt like s aying s om ething but I bit m y lip. It would wait until later. I found Hyac inth poring over a large pic ture book at her des k. 'Hello,' I s aid. T he girl wiped her nos e with the bac k of a finger and eyed m e apprehens ively. 'Let's s ee what you are doing, s hall we?' S he didn't objec t as I s lid her reading book ac ros s the des k and s tarted to exam ine it. 'Is it a good book?' I as ked. S he eyed m e s us pic ious ly but didn't ans wer. 'W ould you like to read a little of your book to m e?' I as ked. S he s hook her head, gazing at m e now with unabas hed intens ity. S he wiped her nos e on her finger again and then told m e in a loud voic e, 'I'm s pec ial needs .' P erhaps s he thought that this revelation m ight c onvinc e m e to leave her in peac e. W hen I didn't m ove, s he added, 'Don't you know? I'm s pec ial needs .' 'I do, but what do you think it m eans , s pec ial needs ?' 'If you know what it m eans , why are you as kin'?' It was a fair ques tion. 'S o, will you read to m e?' 'A re you the infec tor?' s he as ked. 'Ins pec tor,' I replied. 'W hat's t'differenc e?' I thought of the earlier c om m ent from Ruby about the Lepros y Hour. I rec koned her teac her would not have c ons idered that there was m uc h differenc e between the two words . T he girl reluc tantly read to m e, s lowly and with fierc e c onc entration on her fac e, her finger following eac h word on the page. T here was no expres s ion in her voic e and not onc e did s he paus e for breath but read on, determ ined to get the ordeal over and done with. 'Hyac inth,' I s aid, when s he s napped the book s hut, 'that was very good, but what do you do when you c om e to a full s top?' 'W hat?' 'W hen you get to a full s top, what do you do?' S he eyed m e like an expert in the pres enc e of an ignoram us . 'Y ou gerroff t'bus ,' s he replied. I c huc kled. 'Of c ours e you do,' I s aid. S he s hook her head again and I s aw a s light trem ble on her bottom lip. 'A re you goin' to put m e in a s pec ial s c hool?' 'No, I'm not,' I told her. 'I don't want to go in no s pec ial s c hool.' 'Don't worry,' I reas s ured her. 'I'm jus t here to look at your book, to hear you read and to s ee how you are getting on.' 'Oh,' s he s aid. T hen, after a m om ent's thought s he s niffed nois ily, ran the full length of her index finger ac ros s the bottom of her nos e and as ked m e, 'S o, what are you for?' B efore I left the s c hool at the end of the m orning, I s poke to both the teac hers , one after the other, before s eeing the head teac her. Inc om prehens ion c rept ac ros s Mrs B atters by's fac e when I gave her the feedbac k on her les s on and m y as s es s m ent of the work in the pupils ' books . T his s oon turned to a wary res entful look. 'Goodnes s knows , I try m y bes t,' s he told m e, s huffling unc om fortably in her wing-bac ked arm c hair. 'A nd let's be fair. You c an't expec t a lot from thes e c hildren. I c an't be expec ted to m ake s ilk purs es out of pigs ' ears . I m ean, they're not going to end up brain s urgeons or nuc lear s c ientis ts , are they now? T hey're c ountry c hildren and all they're interes ted in are s heep, c attle, pigs and farm ing. A ll they want to do when they leave their s enior s c hool is work on their parents ' farm s and that's all their parents want them to do as well. It's a los ing battle getting them to write about anything other than about farm anim als .' 'T hat is m y point, Mrs B atters by,' I told her. 'I think your expec tation of thes e c hildren is too low and the work they are expec ted to do lac ks c hallenge and variety.' S he gave m e a brief hos tile glanc e. 'I believe in dis c ipline, Mr P hinn,' s he inform ed m e brus quely. 'Give them an inc h, and they take a m ile. S om e of thes e c hildren c an be very diffic ult. T hey were well behaved bec aus e you were in today and they know how to turn it on for vis itors . Take Charles , for ins tanc e. He c an be a real nuis anc e at tim es .' T he teac her was now looking dec idedly res entful. 'A nd another thing, I don't know how you c an judge anything after s eeing jus t one les s on and talking to a few c hildren.' I rem inded her that I had obs erved her teac hing before and explained that I had exam ined the c hildren's books and looked at their tes t res ults , and had als o s poken to the head teac her who had expres s ed his c onc ern about her work. I told her that I therefore felt m y c om m ents were valid. 'W ell,' s he s aid, with a s light s m irk, 'and I m ake no bones about it when I tell you, everybody thinks it was a m is take to have appointed Mr Harris on. He's a s outherner and does n't unders tand our ways .' T he reac tion of Mrs B atters by's c olleague to m y c om m ents was aggres s ively defiant. Mrs S idebottom s at before m e tight-lipped, s traight-bac ked and s teely-eyed with her thin hands c las ped on her lap and her thin legs c lam ped together. A s diplom atic ally as pos s ible, I told her that, in m y opinion, it was m is guided to try and c hange the c hildren's natural way of s peaking with one les s on a week in whic h they c hanted doggerel. Children, I inform ed her, s hould not be expec ted to leave the language of the hom e at the wrought-iron gates of the s c hool and s peak s om e kind of artific ial argot. 'T here is a widely held m is c onc eption,' I s aid, 'that dialec t is a c orrupt form of what people im agine to be norm al E nglis h. Far from being a deviation of the s tandard form of the language, dialec t is an earlier form of E nglis h and has its own voc abulary, s yntax and gram m ar. Children do need to learn s tandard form s of E nglis h but trying to c hange their ac c ents is undes irable.' S he gave m e a glanc e like broken glas s . 'Mr P hinn,' s he s aid with s low deliberation in her voic e, 'I do not intend to s it here and lis ten to a lec ture on the E nglis h language. I am of the c ons idered opinion, form ed over m any years , I have to s ay, that it is m y job to eradic ate the s lovenly, lazy and inac c urate way the c hildren s peak. Y ou m ay c all it dialec t if you wis h. I c all it bad E nglis h.' I then c eas ed to be tac tful and told her s traight that I was s urpris ed and, indeed, very dis appointed that very few of m y rec om m endations c ontained in m y las t report had been addres s ed, and that I was not im pres s ed with what I had s een that m orning. T he teac her's eyes bulged in indignation and her lips drooped in obvious dis pleas ure. I rather expec ted a s pirited defenc e of her teac hing but Mrs S idebottom glanc ed up at the c loc k on the wall and, with an air of ingrained dis approval, inform ed m e that it was her lunc h hour and it was in her c ontrac t that s he s hould have a one-hour break in the m iddle of the day. A s I s aw her head for the door, I knew it would prove very diffic ult to dis m is s s uc h a teac her. T he m ore I thought about it, the m ore I was rem inded of the words of Mr Nels on, the headm as ter of K ing Henry's College in B rindc liffe. W hen, the previous year, I broac hed the pos s ibility of ins tituting dis c iplinary proc eedings agains t a m em ber of his s taff, he had leaned bac k in his c hair and rem arked: 'A s you will be well aware, it is very diffic ult to do anything about a teac her in term s of dis c iplinary ac tion unles s he runs off with a s ixth-form girl or s teals the dinner m oney.' Following the ac rim onious interviews , I prom is ed Mr Harris on that I would return before half-term , ac c om panied by m y c olleagues , to undertake a m ore thorough ins pec tion. In the interim , I told him , I would s ee the Chief Ins pec tor of S c hools and dis c us s with her the pos s ibility of s tarting c om petenc y proc eedings . I advis ed the head teac her to keep a c areful and thorough rec ord of all inc idents , infringem ents , c onvers ations and refus als to c arry out ins truc tions on the part of the two teac hers . I agreed with him that it would prove diffic ult to dis m is s either of them , partic ularly s inc e both teac hers were s o es tablis hed and well c onnec ted loc ally. Neither les s on I had obs erved was dis as trous but neither was good. T he teac hers were not inc om petent: they prepared their les s ons , albeit s c antily, m arked the work, albeit over-zealous ly, they were punc tual, had few abs enc es and had good dis c ipline. It was jus t that their teac hing was lac klus tre and s hort of c hallenge and they both had an unfortunate m anner with the c hildren. 'I s hould point out, Mr P hinn,' s aid Mr Harris on, as I m ade a m ove to leave, 'you m ade s im ilar c om m ents in your las t report, before m y tim e, of c ours e, and you prom is ed to return to the s c hool to s ee if progres s had been m ade, that your rec om m endations had been im plem ented and to offer s upport and advic e.' 'I did, yes ,' I replied, feeling dec idedly guilty. 'It's jus t that there were quite a few pres s ing m atters and -' 'A nd you never got around to it.' 'No, I never got around to it,' I repeated. 'I s hould have followed things up.' 'It's jus t that had you done as you had prom is ed,' s aid the head teac her, 'things m ight not have turned out quite as badly as they have.' 'W ell, I c an as s ure you, Mr Harris on,' I told him , 'that I will follow things up this tim e.' 'I hope s o,' he m urm ured. 'I do hope s o.' W hen I reac hed the gates of the s c hool I found two boys s itting on the s teps , their elbows on their knees and their heads c upped in their hands . It was Charlie and the lad from Mrs S idebottom 's c las s c alled W illiam . I s tood behind them and eaves dropped. 'I'll tell thee what, our Charlie, I c an't get m i 'ead round all this s tuff abaat s peykin' proper what we're a-doin wi' Mis s is faffing S itheebum . W e s ay "path", s he s ays "paath". W e s ay "gras s " and s he s ays "graas ". W e s ay "luc k" and s he s ays "loook". W e s ay "buc k" and s he s ays "boook". It's reight c onfus in'.' 'T ha dooan't wants to tek no notic e, our B illy. I 'ad all that c arry-on when I were in Mis s is S itheebum 's c las s , and s he nivver c hanged m e,' his c om panion told him . 'Nay, we've got to prac tis e it for t'next week. Dus t thy know then, our Charlie, dus t tha s ay 'eether' or dus t tha s ay "ayether"?' T he elder boy thought for a m om ent before replying. 'Dunt m ek no differenc e 'ow tha s ays it, our B illy. T ha c an s ay owther on 'em .'

4 I arrived at Ugglem atters by Infant S c hool, the other s ide of the village, jus t as the bell was s ounding for the end of lunc htim e. I watc hed for a m om ent from the gate as the s m all c hildren, who had been running and jum ping, c has ing and c hattering, s kipping and playing gam es , s uddenly lined up obediently in the playground at the s hrill s ound of a whis tle. Dres s ed identic ally in their bright red jum pers , white s hirts and grey s horts or s kirts , they res em bled a m iniature arm y as they m arc hed s m artly into s c hool behind their teac hers , s winging their arm s bac kwards and forwards . T his looked a happy and well-ordered s c hool. 'Did you want s om ething?' I was jotting down a few firs t im pres s ions in m y notebook, and the loud and s trident voic e behind m e m ade m e jum p. I s wivelled around to be c onfronted by a hawk-fac ed wom an in an ankle-length fluores c ent yellow c oat, blac k peaked c ap pulled down over her eyes and s ubs tantial leather gauntlets . W ith one hand s he was wielding, like a weapon, a large red and yellow lollipop s ign with 'S T OP ! ' painted ac ros s it. T he other hand was res ting on her hip. 'I beg your pardon,' I began, 'I didn't quite -' 'I as ked you if you wanted s om ething?' dem anded the s tout harridan in lum inous yellow. 'B ec aus e I've been watc hing you watc hing the kiddies and writing things down.' 'A h, I s ee,' I s aid. 'Let m e explain. I'm a s c hool ins pec tor.' 'Y ou're a what?' s he s napped. 'W ould you m ind awfully not pus hing your lollipop in m y fac e,' I s aid. 'I am a s c hool ins pec tor, here to vis it the s c hool.' 'A nd I c ould be the Queen of S heba, for all you know.' I c ouldn't quite s ee the relevanc e of this retort but there was not the s lightes t c hanc e of this wom an being m is taken for the Queen of S heba. 'W here's your identific ation?' s he as ked s harply. I reac hed into the ins ide poc ket of m y s uit and produc ed m y offic ial c ard with photograph and details of m y profes s ion. It was pluc ked unc erem onious ly from m y hand and s c rutinis ed in detail, the wom an s c rewing up her eyes and running a gloved finger over it. 'Mm m m m m ,' s he hum m ed. 'A ll right?' I as ked pleas antly. 'Y es , well, you have to be very c areful thes e days where kiddies are c onc erned. I'm always on the look-out for s trange m en s tanding at the s c hool gates taking an unnatural interes t in c hildren. W e've been told to be very viligent for weirdos and perverts and paediatric s .' 'W ell, you have m os t c ertainly been very v iligent,' I told her, s m iling at her inventive us e of the language, 'and I c an as s ure you that I am not a weirdo, pervert or, for that m atter, a paediatric .' 'I m ean,' the wom an inform ed m e, s till eyeing m e s us pic ious ly, 'they don't all c om e in dirty rainc oats , you know.' S he ins pec ted what I was wearing. 'S om e of them c om e in s uits .' 'I'm s ure they do.' I was m inded to s ay that s om e m ay very well c om e in long fluores c ent yellow c oats and peaked hats but I res is ted the tem ptation to do s o. 'A nd now, if you will exc us e m e,' I told her, 'I have an appointm ent with the headteac her.' W ith that I left the belligerent old wom an and proc eeded at a s wift pac e up the path. A t the entranc e I turned. S he was s till s tanding s tubbornly at the gate like a s entinel, watc hing. I waved and s m iled theatric ally but s he rem ained s tiff and s tatic , c lutc hing her lollipop like a halberd. B ec aus e I had s pent m os t of the las t hour talking to Mr Harris on at the J unior S c hool, I had had no tim e for lunc h and was c ons c ious of m y grum bling s tom ac h. In c ontras t to the J unior S c hool, Ugglem atters by Infant S c hool was a m odern, attrac tive and s pac ious building c on s truc ted in warm red bric k with an orange pantile roof and large pic ture windows . It was s et am ongs t open fields , enc los ed by s ilvered lim es tone walls , with views s tretc hing to the nearby m oors that ros e to purple heather-c lad dom es . A c oloured m ural depic ting rows of happy c hildren, arranged as if pos ing for a s c hool photograph, had been painted on one exterior wall and a great c oloured s ign above it proc laim ed: 'W e learn to love and we love to learn.' It was a c heerful, welc om ing environm ent with trees and s hrubs , flowerbeds , bird tables and benc hes . E verything about the s c hool looked c lean and well tended. T he headteac her, Mrs B raddoc k-S m ith, a young wom an in a very s tylis h blac k s uit and elaborately frilly white blous e, took m e on a tour of the s c hool, proudly telling m e about the interes ting work the c hildren were undertaking and their apparently c ons iderable ac hievem ents . S he bubbled with enthus ias m as s he tripped along a c orridor res plendent with the pupils ' paintings , s ketc hes , drawings , poem s and s tories , all of whic h were c arefully double-m ounted and c learly labelled. S helves held glos s y-bac ked pic ture books , s m all tables had vas es of bright flowers , c orners had little eas y c hairs and large fat c us hions where c hildren c ould relax and read. E ac h c hild we pas s ed s aid, 'Hello, m is s ,' c heerfully, and in all the c las s room s I c ould s ee bus y little people hard at work. W hat a differenc e, I thought, from the J unior S c hool! I explained to Mrs B raddoc k-S m ith that I wis hed to s pend the firs t part of the afternoon with the top Infants lis tening to them read, looking through their exerc is e books and as king them a few ques tions about their work. T hen I would join the younges t c hildren for the rem ainder of the day, m eeting with her after s c hool to report bac k. 'Certainly,' trilled the headteac her. 'I think you will be very im pres s ed with what you s ee and hear, Mr P hinn. Our s tandards are extrem ely high, even if I do s ay s o m ys elf, and this las t c ouple of years have been s o very s uc c es s ful that we have attrac ted a growing num ber of "G and T " c hildren.' "G and T " c hildren?' I repeated. Did s he m ean gin and tonic ? W as this s om e kind of des c ription of c hildren from m iddle-c las s hom es ? 'Gifted and talented,' the headteac her explained before babbling on. 'A n inc reas ing num ber of parents from the profes s ional c las s es have m oved into the exec utive hous es on the new developm ent at W aterfield on the edge of the village, and we have had an influx of very bright and interes ted c hildren with m os t s upportive and am bitious parents . W e're getting quite a reputation. Indeed, there's a long waiting lis t for plac es for c hildren who live outs ide the c atc hm ent area. P erhaps I s houldn't blow our own trum pet but we do very well here, very well indeed.' 'It's a m os t im pres s ive building,' I s aid, thinking of the dark brooding grey s tone s c hool down the road. 'W e are very luc ky,' s aid the headteac her. 'T he P TA has rais ed quite a s ubs tantial am ount of m oney, while the library has been s pons ored and paid for by a parent-governor, and it was his c om pany that built the new hous ing developm ent. Of c ours e, this being a c hurc h s c hool, we get s o m uc h help from the vic ar. You will be m eeting our c hairm an of governors , A rc hdeac on Ric hards , later today. He's c alling in to take the as s em bly.' S he didn't paus e to take breath or give m e the opportunity to get a word in edgeways . 'I have to s ay, Mr P hinn,' s he warbled, 'we are s o very fortunate here to be bles s ed with the lovely building, dedic ated s taff, s upportive parents , interes ted governors and delightful c hildren.' Her enthus ias m was overpowering. T here were twenty bright-eyed s ix-year-old pupils in the top Infants , in the c harge of a plum p, red-fac ed teac her c alled Mrs Hartley. T hey lis tened attentively to her as s he finis hed reading the fairy s tory of 'T he P rinc es s and the P ea'. S he then s et them to write about the s tory s he had read them , and to draw pic tures to illus trate their work. I s at in the s m all reading c orner and, in the c ours e of the firs t hour, heard one c hild after another read to m e from his or her own reading book. T he headteac her's proud boas ts were c ertainly not unfounded s inc e all the infants read c learly and ac c urately and ans wered m y ques tions politely and with enthus ias m . W hen it c am e to J os hua's turn, he s c urried over to s it down next to m e, c learly eager to dem ons trate his ability. B efore I c ould open m y m outh he inform ed m e that he was a 'free reader' and that he was not on a reading s c hem e book like the other c hildren in the c las s . 'Mrs Hartley lets m e c hoos e m y own books ,' he inform ed m e im m ediately. 'Really?' 'I'm between books at the m om ent s o haven't brought one to read to you.' 'Don't worry,' I s aid, 'we'll pic k one from the s helf.' 'I've jus t finis hed a novel.' 'Have you?' 'It was by E nid B lyton.' 'I rem em ber reading E nid B lyton when I was young and I always -' 'I'm top of the top table, you know,' interrupted the c hild enthus ias tic ally. 'My goodnes s ! ' 'I c ould read before I c am e to s c hool.' 'Could you really?' 'I didn't bother with phonic s and reading s c hem e books .' 'Really?' 'A nd I know all m y tim es tables .' 'Good grac ious ! ' 'Do you want m e to do the eleven tim es table? I c an if you want.' 'Not at the m om ent,' I told him . 'I would like you to read to m e.' I had bec om e quite ac c us tom ed to prec oc ious young c hildren on m y travels around the c ounty s c hools . I was tic kled by their s erious hum our, im pres s ed by their exuding c onfidenc e, intrigued by their res pons es to m y ques tions and am us ed by their s harp obs ervations on life. B ut on a few rare oc c as ions , like this one, I was s om ewhat los t for words . Clearly here was one of the headteac her's 'G and T ' pupils . 'Now, let's s ee,' I s aid, 'what we have on the s helf, s hall we?' 'I'd rather not have a fairy tale, if you don't m ind. I've read all thos e and I don't like s tories about princ es and princ es s es . I think they're very s oppy and you always know how they are going to end. E veryone always lives happily ever after.' T he boy s tarted bus ily rum m aging through the bookc as e behind him in s earc h of a book to his liking. 'May I have this one with the s nail on the front?' he as ked. 'I like s nails .' He pres ented m e with a brightly c oloured pop-up pic ture book c alled Little S nail's B IG S urpris e. 'T his looks interes ting,' I s aid. 'S nails are c alled gas tropods , you know,' he told m e s erious ly. 'T hat's a s ort of m ollus c with a s hell. I learnt that at the Natural His tory Mus eum in London. I went there with m y father during the s um m er holidays .' T he boy opened the book and began to read with gus to. '"S andy S nail lived in a beautiful garden filled with delic ious plants . One day Daddy S nail s aid, 'Go to your Mother. S he has a big s urpris e for you! Go s traight there. Look both ways . A nd don't talk to s trangers ! '" You're not s uppos ed to s tart a s entenc e with "and", are you, Mr P hinn?' he as ked, looking up at m e with wide, inquis itive eyes behind the glas s es . 'S om e writers do,' I told him . 'Mrs Hartley told us never to s tart a s entenc e with "and",' he pers is ted. 'W ould you like to c ontinue, J os hua?' I s aid, not wis hing to engage in a debate about the tec hnic alities of the E nglis h language with a s ix-year-old. T he boy read on: 'S andy rac ed off. Let's follow his trac ks .' He s topped again, his finger beneath the s entenc e he had jus t read. 'Mr P hinn, s nails c an't rac e. T hey're very s low c reatures .' 'It's s uppos ed to be funny,' I told him . 'T he writer knows s nails m ove s lowly and has us ed "rac ed" to m ake us s m ile.' 'Oh,' s aid J os hua, his s m all brow furrowing. He was c learly not am us ed. He s hrugged and c ontinued reading: '"Good m orning, Mrs Dragonfly. I c an't s top now. I'm s o exc ited! Mother has a big s urpris e for m e! " "Luc ky you! " whirred the Dragonfly. "Maybe it's a m unc hy m os quito."' J os hua paus ed again. 'T his writer us es a lot of exc lam ation m arks , does n't he, Mr P hinn?' 'He does ,' I agreed. 'Mrs Hartley s ays we s houldn't us e too m any exc lam ation m arks .' 'Does s he? W ell, let's not worry too m uc h about that at the m om ent, J os hua. S hall we get on with the s tory?' A nd s o the s aga of S andy S nail c ontinued with our little s lim y friend m eeting a whole hos t of interes ting m ini-beas t c harac ters in the c ours e of his travels , inc luding Mr Caterpillar who c hom ped his way through the juic y c abbage leaf, and Mrs B ee who had a liking for poppy flowers filled with nec tar. 'I don't think bees like poppies that m uc h,' s aid J os hua, looking up from the book. 'T hey m uc h prefer foxgloves .' 'I wonder what c reature S andy will m eet next?' I as ked, anxious to c hange the s ubjec t. I was n't very inform ed about bees . 'It better not be a Frenc hm an,' he s aid. I was intrigued. 'W hy not a Frenc hm an?' I as ked. He looked at m e as if I were s im ple-m inded. 'B ec aus e they eat s nails ,' he s aid, s haking his head. 'Didn't you know that? W hen we went to a gite in Franc e las t year, m y father ate s om e s nails . T hey're c alled es c argots in Frenc h. Dis gus ting! ' T he c hild read on until he c am e to the final page where S andy S nail m eets his m other. '"Here I am . W here's m y B IG s urpris e? Can I have it now, pleas e? I'm s o exc ited! " "S ee if you c an find it! " s aid Mother S nail. T wo little s nails , one with a blue s hell and the other with a pinks hell, popped up from behind a leaf. "W e're your big s urpris e, your new brother and s is ter! "' J os hua s napped s hut the book and s hookhis head. 'Y ou read that very well, J os hua,' I told the boy. 'Y ou're an exc ellent reader. A nd was n't it a delightful s tory?' He s c owled. 'I didn't think m uc h of it.' 'W hy is that?' I as ked. 'W ell, for a s tart, s nails don't have blue and pink s hells . T hey are m ore of a greeny-brown c olour. A nd for another thing, s nails and thos e other c reatures c an't talk.' 'No, but then neither c an P eter Rabbit, nor Mole and Ratty in The W ind in the W illow s , or Mic key Mous e or s om e of E nid B lyton's anim als . It's only a s tory.' 'A nd another thing,' s aid J os hua, not really lis tening to m e, 'you c an't have boy and girl s nails .' 'W hy not?' I as ked innoc ently. 'B ec aus e everyone knows that s nails are herm aphrodites ,' he s aid. I s m iled but s aid nothing; I thought of the words of Os c ar W ilde who onc e obs erved that a c hild 'has a dis gus ting appetite for fac ts '. A t afternoon break, the teac her told m e that J os hua was a m ine of inform ation on natural his tory. 'Of c ours e, you would expec t as m uc h,' s he told m e, 'his father being a profes s or of biology.' T he Chairm an of the S c hool Governors , A rc hdeac on Ric hards , a c heerful little c leric with a round red fac e and white bus hy eyebrows whic h c urled like ques tion m arks below a s hiny pate, was in the headteac her's room when I arrived there at afternoon break. 'I believe you know Mr P hinn, A rc hdeac on,' s aid the head-teac her as I entered the room . 'Yes , indeed,' c hortled the Chairm an of the S c hool Governors , extending a s m all plum p hand. 'W e m et at Mans ton Hall a few years ago, did we not, Mr P hinn?' He turned to the headteac her to explain. 'W e were on a planning c om m ittee c haired by Lord Marric k, s et up to organis e the event to m ark the five hundred years of the es tablis hm ent of the Feoffees .' T he arc hdeac on s poke with the s am e lilting, birdlike trill as the headteac her. 'Freebies ?' exc laim ed Mrs B raddoc k-S m ith, her eyes lighting up at the thought, no doubt, of m ore funding that m ight c om e her way. 'Did you s ay freebies ?' 'No, no, B arbara,' c huc kled the c leric . 'T he Feoffees . I won't bore you with the details but s uffic e it to s ay that the Feoffees are of anc ient provenanc e, founded in the reign of Henry V II, the firs t of the T udor m onarc hs , to m aintain law and order.' 'I c an't s ay that I have ever heard of them ,' s aid the head-teac her, m aking a s m all dis m is s ive ges ture. 'T hey were very im portant in their day,' announc ed the arc hdeac on, preparing to do the very thing he proc laim ed he would not do - bore us with the details . 'T he Feoffees were typic ally c om pos ed of a group of loc al gentry, im portant landowners and c ivic worthies , m en who held high rank or -' Mrs B raddoc k-S m ith interrupted the arc hdeac on. 'W ell, I c an't s ay that I have ever heard of them ,' s he s aid. T he arc hdeac on faltered m om entarily but then c ontinued. 'I am a Feoffee m ys elf,' he s aid proudly and proc eeded to give us the full benefit of his knowledge of this arc ane ins titution. T he headteac her was patient for about a m inute then s he gently interrupted the arc hdeac on a s ec ond tim e. 'P erhaps you c ould tell m e all about it another tim e. In fac t, we c ould dis c us s it at the next governors ' m eeting, A rc hdeac on,' s he s aid. 'I thinkthe s c hool is a very worthy c aus e, and if the Feoffees are a c haritable group, perhaps they c ould s end a bit of m oney our way. S om e extra funding for the new play area we have planned would be very welc om e.' 'Maybe,' A rc hdeac on Ric hards replied and s wiftly c hanged the s ubjec t. 'A nd what do you m ake of our s c hool, then, Mr P hinn?' 'I've only been in the building for a little over an hour,' I told him , 'but I am im pres s ed with what I have s een s o far.' 'I hope you feel the s am e after m y as s em bly,' s aid the c lergym an. 'I m us t own that I do feel a trifle nervous at the thought of a s c hool ins pec tor s itting at the bac k of the hall with his little blac k book.' 'Oh, I feel c ertain that Mr P hinn will not find anything am is s ,' the headteac her s aid quic kly. 'I was telling him about our outs tanding res ults . I don't think he'll find better readers in the whole c ounty and I s hould hazard to s ay that the written work is well above that of c hildren in m any s c hools .' 'It is true we are jus tifiably proud,' s aid the arc hdeac on s oftly. 'Mr P hinn vis ited the J unior S c hool this m orning,' obs erved Mrs B raddoc k-S m ith, giving the c hairm an of governors a knowing look. I had s us pec ted that it would not be long before the s ituation at Ugglem atters by J uniors was rais ed. 'Really?' s aid the arc hdeac on. 'Y es , I did,' I replied s im ply. 'A nd how is Mr Harris on?' he as ked in the m os t s olic itous of voic es . 'He's very well,' I lied. T here's no way, I thought to m ys elf, that I was going to dis c us s the problem s of the headteac her of another s c hool with Mrs B raddoc k-S m ith and her c hairm an of governors , partic ularly in a village where the jungle telegraph was s o obvious ly finely developed. 'I don't know Mr Harris on that well,' c ontinued the c lergym an. 'He's of the Methodis t pers uas ion, you know, s o we don't s ee him in c hurc h although he does hold the s c hool's harves t s ervic e at S t Mary's . S peaking of the harves t s ervic e, B arbara,' he began, 'I thought that this year -' T he headteac her c learly did not wis h to be diverted from the s ubjec t in hand. 'He does try s o hard, Mr Harris on,' s he s aid in an overly s ad and s ym pathetic voic e. 'He m us t feel s o very dis appointed that s o m any of our parents c hos e to s end their c hildren on to other s c hools rather than his .' S he looked at m e expec tantly. I c ould tell there was another agenda going on here but I was determ ined not to be a part of it. 'I am s ure he does ,' I replied. 'It's quite a m ys tery really, is n't it?' s aid the headteac her. It was no m ys tery. A ll three of us knew why s o m any parents opted to s end their c hildren els ewhere. Mrs B raddoc k-S m ith was waiting for m e to m ake a c om m ent but I rem ained s ilent. 'A nd how is Mrs B atters by?' as ked the arc hdeac on. 'Her hus band is one of m y c hurc hwardens , you know, a m an of - er - s trong views whic h he is not afraid of expres s ing.' 'S he's very well, too,' I replied and before they c ould as k about the other teac her, I added, 'and s o is Mrs S idebottom .' 'W ell, that's good, is n't it?' s aid the arc hdeac on, realis ing at las t that I would not be any m ore forthc om ing on the ques tion of Ugglem atters by J unior S c hool. He glanc ed at his watc h. 'Nearly tim e for as s em bly, I think.' W hen the bell s ounded for the end of afternoon playtim e, the Infants filed into the hall to a s tirring tune, ham m ered out on the piano with great vigour by Mrs Hartley, and s at down c ros s -legged on the floor. I had gone to the bac k but was us hered forward to the front by the headteac her to a s eat next to hers and the arc hdeac on's . I fac ed the s ea of red. In the very front row, s itting s traight-bac ked and s erious -fac ed and with his arm s folded tightly over his c hes t, was J os hua. 'Good afternoon, c hildren,' s aid Mrs B raddoc k-S m ith when s ilenc e had fallen. 'Good a-f-t-e-r-n-o-o-n, Mrs B raddoc k-S m ith,' they c hanted. 'T his afternoon in our as s em bly we have got not one but two very im portant vis itors with us ,' s aid the headteac her. A ll eyes looked at the arc hdeac on and m e. 'You all know A rc hdeac on Ric hards , who is our s pec ial friend and c om es to s ee us often, but s om e of you will not yet have m et our other im portant vis itor. His nam e is Mr P hinn and he is a s c hool ins pec tor. Mr P hinn is here to s ee all your wonderful work and hear you read. S hall we all s ay a good afternoon to our vis itors ?'

'Good a-f-t-e-r-n-o-o-n, A rc hdeac on Ric hards , good a-f-t-e-r-n-o-o-n, Mr P hinn, good a-f-t-e-r-n-o-o-n, everybody,' the infants c hanted. 'Good afternoon, c hildren,' I replied. 'Good afternoon, c hildren,' repeated the arc hdeac on. 'Y ou know, Mr P hinn,' c ontinued the headteac her, waving an expans ive hand at the rows before her, 'not only are thes e c hildren s uc h rem arkable readers and exc ellent writers , they are als o wonderful s ingers as well, aren't you?' 'Y es , Mrs B raddoc k-S m ith,' the whole s c hool s aid in unis on. 'A nd I am s ure Mr P hinn would like to hear you s ing, wouldn't you, Mr P hinn.' 'Y es , I would,' I s aid loudly and wis hing s he would get on with the as s em bly. I had heard quite enough about how wonderful the c hildren were for one day. 'W ell, let us all s tand up nic e and s m artly,' s aid the head-teac her, 'fill thos e lungs and rais e the roof.' V ery s oon the hall was filled with the s inging, whic h was s adly drowned by the over-zealous playing of Mrs Hartley. 'Did you enjoy that, Mr P hinn?' as ked the headteac her when the c hildren had finis hed the hym n. 'V ery m uc h,' I s aid. 'Now, pleas e s it down, c hildren, legs c ros s ed, arm s folded, and nic e s traight bac ks . T he arc hdeac on would like to s ay a few words .' Far from being 'a few words ', the arc hdeac on s poke at length to the c hildren, who s huffled and fidgeted and yawned and found it inc reas ingly diffic ult to c onc entrate. T he c lergym an droned on about how the s eas ons c hange and how autum n - 'the s eas on of m is ts and m ellow fruitfulnes s ' - was fas t approac hing. 'T he c rops in the fields are nearly all gathered in,' he s aid, 'the fruits ripe on the boughs are being pic ked and the vegetables c ollec ted and s tored for the winter. A nd what is the word whic h m eans the gathering in of the c rops ?' he as ked. 'Digging up,' s ugges ted a c hild. 'W ell, the produc e would be dug up, yes ,' s aid the arc hdeac on s m iling, 'but this word begins with the letter "H" and we have a very s pec ial fes tival in c hurc h.' 'Halloween! ' s houted out another c hild. 'No,' s aid the vic ar, attem pting to keep his c om pos ure, 'not Halloween.' 'Holiday! ' s ugges ted another. 'No, not holiday.' 'Helic opter! ' s houted a third c hild. 'Now we're being s illy,' s aid the arc hdeac on. 'No, c hildren, the word I was thinking of is "harves t", the gathering in of all the fruit and vegetables and c rops from the fields , and eac h year in c hurc h we have a Harves t Fes tival to thank God for all His wonderful gifts to us .' 'I like Halloween,' c alled out one infant. 'I c an dres s up as a witc h and go "tric k-or-treating" with m y brother.' 'W ell, that's s om ething very different,' s aid the arc hdeac on, his fac e c olouring up. 'Now, I think we'll have our las t hym n, if you pleas e, Mrs Hartley.' A c c om panied by m ore s pirited m artial m us ic from the piano, the c hildren then m arc hed bac k to their c las s room s , followed by Mrs B raddoc k-S m ith and the other teac hers . T he arc hdeac on and I rem ained - along with one s m all and very dis tres s ed girl s tanding alone in the m iddle of the hall, wailing piteous ly. A little puddle c ould be s een on the floor beneath her. Her tiny fac e was flus hed with great anxiety and I c ould s ee that her eyes were filling with tears . 'Oh dear,' s aid the arc hdeac on s ym pathetic ally. 'I've wet m ys elf,' m oaned the c hild, her c heeks s m eared where her hands had tried to wipe away the tears . 'Don't worry, m y dear,' he s aid. 'I've wet m ys elf,' repeated the c hild. 'A c c idents do happen,' s aid the c lergym an, now s tanding in front of her. 'It's nothing to get all ups et about.' 'I've wet m ys elf,' s aid the c hild again. 'W hy didn't you put your hand up?' as ked the arc hdeac on. 'I did,' replied the c hild, s niffing nois ily, 'but it tric kled through m y fingers .'

5 A fter m y vis it to the Ugglem atters by s c hools I dec ided, rather than go s traight hom e, to return to the offic e and write up m y report while things were fres h in m y m ind. Little did I expec t to find S idney and David at their des ks and I was even m ore s urpris ed to find Geraldine there, too. 'A h! ' c ried S idney as I entered the room , 'a full c om plem ent! W hat a rarity. W e m us t c elebrate - all in the offic e at the s am e tim e. W e s hall retire to the loc al hos telry for a little drinkie and c atc h up on what we did over the s um m er.' 'Not for m e, S idney,' s aid Geraldine has tily. 'I m us t be going in a m inute. I have a little boy to get hom e to. T he c hild m inder will want to get away.' 'A nd I've a m eeting at the Golf Club at s even,' s aid David, 's o you c an c ount m e out.' 'W ell, that jus t leaves us , Gervas e,' s aid S idney. 'Fanc y a pint, old boy?' 'No thanks , S idney,' I told him . 'I have this report to write up.' 'P is h! ' he exc laim ed. 'It c an wait until tom orrow.' 'Not this one,' I s aid. 'Oh dear,' s aid David, 'that s ounds s erious . I detec t s om ething dark and troubling in our young c olleague's eyes . W ould you like to tell us about it?' 'How long have you got?' I as ked, plac ing m y briefc as e on m y des k and flopping into a c hair. 'No, I'll tell you another tim e.' 'Gerry was telling us about her holiday to the E m erald Is le this s um m er,' David told m e. 'Y es , it was m em orable,' s aid Geraldine. 'I know it s ounds c lic hed, but I don't think I've ever s een anything m ore beautiful than the s un s etting over Galway B ay at Oranm ore, and the pale m oon ris ing over the grey m ountains .' 'Oh s ure and beggora,' s aid S idney, adopting a m oc k-Iris h ac c ent, 'don't I jus t feel one of m y m awkis h Iris h m elodies a-c om in' on, to be s ure.' He then began to s ing, 'If you ever go ac ros s the s ea to Ireland, be c ertain at the c los ing of the day -' 'B ehave yours elf, S idney,' interrupted Geraldine, laughing. 'T he W els h have a great deal in c om m on with the Iris h, you know,' s aid David. 'Here we go,' m um bled S idney. 'A nd, of c ours e,' c ontinued David blithely, 'the s hared Celtic heritage explains why both rac es have s uc h a love of and talent in m us ic and poetry.' 'I will grant you that the W els h and the Iris h do have s om ething in c om m on when it c om es to language,' s aid S idney, 'and that is their inability to s hut up. Get a group of you Celts together and nobody c an get a word in. It's like throwing a bone to ravening dogs . Y ap! Y ap! Y ap! ' I s m iled. 'W ell, it is a fac t that the Iris h and the W els h do like to us e words and have a lot to s ay for them s elves ,' I s aid. 'T hankyou, Gervas e' s aid S idney. 'T hat is exac tly m y point.' 'B ut I have to s ay that the Iris h and W els h are often better us ers of E nglis h than the E nglis h them s elves ,' I s aid. 'T hey em broider the language, m ake it m ore c olourful, m ore inventive. Os c ar W ilde onc e s aid that if only the E nglis h knew how to talk and the Iris h how to lis ten. "T he S axon took our lands from us ," he s aid, "and left us des olate. W e took their language and added new beauties to it." In W ales , I thinkit's c alled "talking tidy" and in Iris h it's "a touc h of the blarney".' 'W ell I c all it verbal diarrhoea,' s aid S idney dis m is s ively. 'W hen I hear you expounding thus , S idney,' s aid David, 'three words c om e to m ind: "kettle", "pot" and "blac k".' 'S peaking of pots ,' s aid S idney, going off on one of his tangents , 'have any of you s een m y c eram ic vas e whic h was on the windows ill in the old offic e? I've s earc hed high and low for it and it s eem s to have dis appeared into thin air.' David and I exc hanged glanc es . 'Ceram ic pot?' s aid David innoc ently. 'T he one that was on the windows ill. It was a very good exam ple of a finely-glazed earthenware vas e,' s aid S idney. 'I m ade it on m y pottery c ours e las t term .' 'I've not s een it,' s aid Geraldine. 'Have you as ked J ulie?' 'Y es , and s he does n't know where it's gone, either,' replied S idney. He looked at David and m e. 'Do either of you know where it is ?' David and I did indeed know where it was . T he rem ains of the finely-glazed earthenware vas e were in the s kip at the bac k of County Hall where I had depos ited them . T he item in ques tion, an ugly brown s pec im en, had s lipped from m y hands when, during the offic e m ove, I was negotiating the narrow s tairs . I had thought it prudent not to tell m y c olleague. 'It was a lus trous piec e of pottery,' s aid S idney, 'and I was very attac hed to it. It's a m ys tery where it's gone. Mind you, there are a lot of things I c an't find s inc e you two took it upon yours elves to m ove all m y s tuff. Folders and im portant files have gone walkabout, I am m is s ing a num ber of books , and now m y unique finely-glazed lus trous earthenware vas e has gone, goodnes s knows where.' 'I'm s ure it will turn up, S idney,' s aid David, knowing full well that it would not. 'W ell, I s hall have to be going.' He ros e from his c hair and s tretc hed. 'Goodnight, Gervas e. Don't s tay too late. Com e along, S idney, let's leave the m an to finis h his report.' 'A nd I m us t be away, too,' s aid Geraldine, giving m e a s m all wave. 'I'll s ee you all tom orrow at the m eeting,' I s aid. 'A h, yes , I c an as k our es teem ed bos s if s he knows where m y vas e has gone,' pers is ted S idney, following his two c olleagues . 'B ye, Gervas e.' T he three of them departed nois ily and in the s ilenc e of the offic e I thought bac k to m y previous vis it to the Uggle-m atters by J unior S c hool, when I had pres ented s uc h a c ritic al report. I had, as Mr Harris on had pointed out, prom is ed to return to ens ure that m y rec om m endations for im provem ent had been im plem ented - and I hadn't done s o. I had been too bus y with the affairs of other s c hools , and m y m ind had been oc c upied with m ore pres s ing m atters . T hes e, I knew, were feeble exc us es . I s hould have followed things up. I had c onvinc ed m ys elf that Mr Harris on, the new head teac her, keen, experienc ed and c onfident, would quic kly s ort things out but this c learly had not been the c as e. I had not even bothered to ring him up and c hec k that he had s ettled in and that the s ituation in the s c hool was im proving. Now I had to fac e Mis s de la Mare, the Chief Ins pec tor, and explain m ys elf. I s uppos ed m y report would have to be a bit c olourful and inventive. W ith a s igh, I finally got around to putting pen to paper. I arrived hom e to m y c ottage in the pretty little Dales village of Hawks rill on that wet and windy evening with Ugglem atters by s till on m y m ind. I parked the c ar on the narrow trac k that ran along the s ide of the c ottage, turned off the engine and s at for a while in the s ilent darknes s . I thought about the depres s ing day I had had, c ons idered what I needed to do next and then I rehears ed m entally jus t what I would s ay to the Chief Ins pec tor when I s aw her at the ins pec tors ' m eeting the following day. I s uppos e I c ould try to s hift the blam e by telling her that I had as s um ed, quite wrongly as it had turned out, that if things had not been going well at the s c hool after his appointm ent, the head teac her would have c ontac ted m e to as k for s upport and advic e. I c ould argue that I had s o m any s c hools to vis it and s o m any c ours es to run, c onferenc es to organis e and a whole raft of other im portant jobs to do, that I had put Ugglem atters by to the bac k of m y m ind. B ut thes e exc us es s ounded unc onvinc ing. I would jus t have to fac e the m us ic . I was us ually keen to get hom e from work to m y dream c ottage and m y fam ily. W e would bath the baby together and kis s him goodnight before putting him in his c ot in the little bedroom under the eaves . T hen I would s nuggle up with Chris tine on the old s ofa in front of the open fire, and s hare m y day with her and hear what s he had been doing, while the s m ell of s upper c ooking wafted through from the kitc hen. T hrough the c ar window now, the c ottage looked c heerful and welc om ing, and I knew the two people I loved m os t in the world would be waiting for m e. Chris tine and I had wanted P eewit Cottage in the village of Hawks rill as s oon as we had s et eyes upon it. Colleagues at work thought we had taken leave of our s ens es , c obbling together every penny we had to buy this rundown, dark s tone barn of a building with its s agging roof, old-fas hioned kitc hen and c old dam p room s , but, s tanding in the overgrown garden, we had fallen hopeles s ly in love with the m agnific ent views . W e had s tood on the tus s oc ky lawn with its bare patc hes and m ole hills , s urrounded by wais t-high weeds , tangled bram bles and ram pant ros e bus hes , and gazed ac ros s a panoram a of green undulating fields c ris s -c ros s ed with s ilvered lim es tone walls that ros e to the c raggy fell-tops , and we had m arvelled. W e knew we c ould trans form this old c ottage into our dream hom e. Our 'dream hom e', in fac t, turned out to be s om ething of a hous e of horrors . W e s oon dis c overed that we had an expanding fam ily of woodworm in the quaint beam s , pers is tent dry rot in the c os y little s itting room and ris ing dam p in the dining room , c rac ked walls in the bedroom s , a leaking roof and broken guttering and nearly every c onc eivable problem that c ould fac e the hom e-owner. B ut we had been optim is tic and c heerful and now, after nearly two years , we were getting s om ewhere. Having s pent m os t of our s pare tim e renovating and repairing, refurbis hing and dec orating, P eewit Cottage was beginning to take s hape. T here was a rap on the s ide of the c ar, whic h m ade m e jum p. Outs ide, peering through the c ar window, was a wide-boned, weathered fac e I im m ediately rec ognis ed. It was our neares t neighbour, Harry Cotton, a m an whos e long beak of a nos e was invariably poking in everyone els e's bus ines s . Harry was a m an of s trong opinions , m os t of whic h were us ually c om plaints , piec es of unwanted advic e and unhelpful obs ervations . He was the world's greates t prophet of doom and the inc arnation of the good old Y orks hire m otto: 'E ar all, s ee all, s ay nowt; E ayt up, s up all, pay nowt; A n' if ever tha does owt fer nowt, Do it for this s en! I wound down the window. 'Hello, Harry,' I s aid wearily. 'I thowt it were thee,' he s aid, s c ratc hing the im pres s ive s hoc k of white hair. 'How are you?' I as ked. 'Nobbut m iddlin',' he replied. 'I were badly las t week. 'A ppen s um m at I'd etten. I 'ad tripe an' onions an' I rec kon it dint agree wi' m e. A ny road, what's tha doin' out 'ere, s ittin' in t'darkby this s en?' 'J us t thinking,' I told him . 'I thowt tha were deead or s um m at, jus t s ittin' theer. I was tekkin' B us ter out for 'is c ons titutional an' I s aw thee.' B us ter was Harry's wiry-haired B order terrier that now barked exc itedly at the m ention of his nam e, and jum ped up at the door of the c ar. 'Get down, B us ter! ' ordered Harry. 'S it down! ' He turned his attention bac k to m e. 'I thowt for a m init that tha'd 'ad an 'eart attac k or s um m at an' were deead at t'wheel. 'A s tha 'ad a bit of a barney wi' t'm is s is , then?' he as ked. 'B een kic ked out, 'as tha?' 'No, no, nothing like that,' I replied. 'I'm jus t a bit tired after a long day and a lot of driving.' 'How long 'as tha been wed now then?' he as ked. 'Is it two year?' 'Not quite,' I s aid, reac hing over to the bac k s eat for m y briefc as e. T he las t thing I wanted at that m om ent was Harry Cotton and his potted philos ophy. 'A ye, when t'honey m oon's ovver, firs t flus h of living together wears off. I've s een it tim e an' tim e ageean. Onc e a wom an's got that ring on 'er finger, things c hange and they don't c hange for t'better. I'm glad I nivver got wed. Too m uc h trouble. Tek m y s is ter, B ertha.' He c huc kled. 'I bet m y brother-in-law would like s om ebody to tek her. T alkabaat bein' under t'thum b. S oon as 'e walks in through t'dooer s he's at 'im to do this an' do that an' when 'e does do it, nowt 'e does is reight. Com es in from work, 'e does , and jus t as 'e s its dahn s he's at 'im . 'A re yer gunna s it theer all neet? T hat winder wants fixin' an' c ooal wants fetc hin' in an' yer c an peel t'taties if tha's nowt better to do.' S he's nobbut five foot two an' as thin as a lat but, by the hec k, s he's gor a gob on 'er. T wo year into t'm arriage and -' 'Harry,' I s aid, attem pting to get out of the c ar, 'Chris tine and I have not had any barney, as you put it. W e are very very happy and everything at hom e is fine. I've jus t had a bit of a bad day, that's all.' 'T ell m e abaat it,' he s aid and then, without waiting, s tarted to des c ribe his own 'dreadful' day. Finally, I m anaged to extric ate m ys elf from the c ar and headed for the c ottage, but Harry and his s till yapping dog followed m e up the path. 'B y the way, I've had a word with thy m is s is about yon garden,' he c alled after m e. 'It needs s ooarting out. I m ean your m is s us c an't be expec ted to do all that diggin' and prunin' and plantin' what wi' a young bairn to tek c are on, now c an s he, and it's t'tim e o' year when it wants fettlin'.' 'I'll s ee to it,' I told him s hortly. 'T ha wants to,' he told m e, s tubbornly purs uing his them e. 'I was telling 'E zekiah Longton las t neet ovver a pint o' m ild at t'Royal Oak. His garden's a pic ture, like s um m at out o' one o' thes e glos s y 'ortic ultural m agazines . Cooars e, it would be, what wi' 'im bein' Lord Marric k's head gard'ner for nigh on fotty year. A ny road, I were tellin' 'im what a jungle your garden were and 'e s ays that tha c an 'ave s om e on 'is 'ardy perennials if tha wants .' 'T hat's very kind of him ,' I s aid. 'A n' that allotm ent of yourn needs a bit o' work on it an' all. It's goin' dahn t'nic k, by looks on it. George Hem m ings , on t'A llotm ent Com m ittee, were only m entionin' it to m e las t week in t'Oak. Now, if it was up to m e -' 'I'll s ee to it, Harry,' I s aid wearily, m y hand on the bac k door latc h. 'A n' I'll tell thee s um m at els e an' all,' he pers is ted. 'T hat new landlord at t'Oakis goin' down like a dos e o' s heep flu. T ha wants to s ee what 'e's gone an' done to t'old plac e.' 'Goodnight, Harry,' I s aid, going into the c ottage and c los ing the door behind m e. 'Goodnight,' he c alled from the s tep. 'Com e on, B us ter.' Chris tine was in the kitc hen preparing s upper. T he c ottage was as c heerful and welc om ing as I knew it would be, and I c ould s ee that a lazy fire burned in the s itting room grate. It was good to be hom e. 'Y ou're late,' s aid Chris tine as I wrapped m y arm s around her and gave her a kis s on the c heek. 'Y es ,' I s ighed, burying m y fac e in her nec k. 'Y ou don't s ound full of the joys of s pring.' 'It's autum n,' I replied holding her c los e, 'and I need a s trong drinkand s om e T LC.' 'Hard day?' Chris tine returned to the s ink where s he was peeling potatoes in a bowl. 'Dreadful! ' I s aid, bending over Ric hard's c arryc ot. He looked was hed and s c rubbed and was gurgling away c ontentedly. 'Oh dear.' 'I don't want to talk about it,' I s aid. 'A s bad as that, is it?' s he as ked. 'A s bad as that,' I repeated. Of c ours e I needed to talk about it s o, as I s at at the kitc hen table nurs ing a dark brown whis ky, Chris tine had to endure a detailed ac c ount of m y day. S he was , as always , a s ym pathetic lis tener and full of good advic e and by the tim e s upper was ready, I felt s lightly better. 'W ould you take Ric hard up, then we c an eat,' s he s aid. W hen I c am e downs tairs , having tuc ked the s leepy baby into his c ot, s upper was on the table. 'Harry Cotton's been round today,' Chris tine s aid, heaping beef s tew onto m y plate. 'S o I hear. He told m e he'd had a word with you.' 'W as that who I heard you talking to before you c am e in?' 'Y es , he was prac tic ally lying in wait for m e outs ide,' I told her. 'I had to endure five m inutes of his blather before I c ould get rid of him . Onc e he gets s tarted there's no s topping him , and he's always got the weight of the world on his s houlders . T he las t thing I wanted tonight was a dos e of Harry's words of wis dom .' 'He's not that bad,' s aid Chris tine. 'Harry's quite endearing, really, and it's good to have a neighbour who keeps an eye on things . He told m e he's a bit down in the dum ps at the m om ent bec aus e of the new landlord at the pub. A pparently, the m an's c aus ing a few waves , ups etting the regulars by c hanging things .' 'He told m e,' I s aid. 'Harry does n't like c hange and that's for s ure. If it was up to him , we'd s till live in the dark ages . He's always harping on about the good old days when bobbies walked the beat, nobody dropped litter and c hildren did as they were told.' 'W ell, in m y opinion, the Royal Oak wants c hanging,' Chris tine s aid. 'It's a s m elly, run-down plac e at the bes t of tim es . Only the old villagers go there.' 'It's not that bad,' I s aid. 'It's got c harac ter, although I m us t adm it it c ould do with a lic k of paint and s om e new furniture.' 'It'll take m ore than a lic k of paint and new furniture,' s he s aid. 'It's very old-fas hioned. P eople nowadays want a m ore c heerful plac e in whic h to drink.' 'Harry als o m entioned the garden,' I s aid. 'Y es , he did to m e as well,' s aid Chris tine, 'and he wondered if we m ight be interes ted in his - er, brother's grands on, I think, tidying it up a bit. I'm too bus y at the m om ent trying to get the s pare bedroom s orted, and Ric hard takes s o m uc h of m y tim e, and I know you're not up to it.' 'It's not that I'm not up to it,' I replied, a little annoyed by the c om m ent. 'It's jus t that I'm up to m y eyes at work and have s o m uc h on m y plate at the m om ent.' I m us t have s ounded like a petulant s c hoolboy. 'Don't be s o touc hy,' s aid Chris tine, s tretc hing out her hand to m ine. 'W hat I m eant was that you're far too bus y and that you haven't the tim e. A nyway, Harry's brother's grands on, A ndy, leaves s c hool next s um m er and c ould do with s om e extra m oney. He's working up at Ted P os kitt's farm at the weekends but it's not a regular job and he's trying to s ave enough to put him s elf through A s kham B ryan A gric ultural College near Y ork. From what Harry s ays , he s eem s a willing enough lad and would be a real help with the digging and weeding and doing a few repairs . W hat do you think?' 'S o long as it does n't c os t us too m uc h,' I s aid, 'it s ounds like a good idea.' 'I thought you'd s ay that,' s aid Chris tine, 's o I've as ked A ndy to c om e up and s ee you. Now, what about the was hing up?' I jus t c ould not s leep that night. My thoughts kept returning again and again to the s ituation at Ugglem atters by J unior S c hool and what I would s ay to Mis s de la Mare when I fac ed her the next m orning. In the bright light of day, problem s always s eem far les s im portant than they do in the dead of night. W hen you're in bed s urrounded by the s ilenc e and the darknes s with your m ind going over things again and again, it is then you im agine the wors t pos s ible s c enario. Finally I drifted off into a fretful s leep but was s oon wide awake again, with Chris tine jabbing m e in the bac k. 'Gervas e! W ake up! ' s he whis pered. 'W hat is it?' I m um bled. 'Can you hear it?' Chris tine as ked in a hus hed voic e. 'Hear what?' 'T hat nois e.' I rubbed m y eyes and s at up. 'W hat nois e? I c an't hear anything. Is it Ric hard?' I as ked. 'He probably wants feeding. S hall I get him ?' 'It's not the baby! ' his s ed Chris tine s harply. 'It's a s ort of s c ratc hing nois e, c om ing from the loft. T here's s om ething up there, m oving about.' 'S om ebody in the hous e?' 'Not s om e body , s om e thing.' 'A ghos t?' 'Don't be s illy,' s he s aid. 'It's s om e s ort of anim al.' 'Oh no,' I s aid, s itting up and gazing up at the c eiling, 'I bet we've got m ic e.' 'Don't s ay that! ' exc laim ed Chris tine, c lam ping her arm s around m e. 'Y ou know I hate m ic e. If I thought there was -' S he s topped m id-s entenc e. 'T here it is again. Can you hear it?' T here was c ertainly s om ething m oving about above us , a s ort of s c raping nois e then a s kittering s ound obvious ly m ade by s om e s m all c reature. 'Y es , I c an hear it,' I s aid. 'Y ou don't thinkit's a rat, do you?' as ked Chris tine s huddering. 'No, no, of c ours e not,' I told her in a m atter-of fac t tone of voic e, as m uc h to reas s ure m ys elf as m y wife. 'Rats don't m ake that nois e and, anyway, they wouldn't be up in a loft. T hey don't like heights . It's probably a little field m ous e c om e in out of the c old.'

'It's a pretty big field m ous e that m akes that s ort of nois e. It s ounds huge.' 'It jus t s ounds loud, that's all,' I s aid. 'Go and look,' Chris tine told m e, getting out of bed and putting on her s lippers and dres s ing gown. 'Go and look?' I repeated. 'W hat, now? A t this tim e of night?' 'I c an't s leep with a rat in the hous e. I'm m oving the baby in with us until you find it. T he thought of a rat s c uttling about in the c ottage m akes m e feel ill.' 'I've told you,' I s aid, 'it's not a rat, but I s uppos e I'd better take a look.' 'A nd be c areful,' Chris tine s aid. 'Cornered rats are s aid to go for the jugular.' 'T hanks very m uc h,' I s aid. 'T hat m akes m e feel a whole lot better,' and I plodded downs tairs to fetc h a ladder. I poked m y head up through the hatc h but I s aw nothing in the torc h's beam exc ept the blac k water tank and a few large c ardboard boxes that we us ed for s torage. T he res t of the loft was dark and dus ty. I hardly expec ted the c reature, whatever it was , to be waiting to wave at m e. It was probably in s om e darkc orner, watc hing m e at that very m om ent, but not m oving an inc h. A fter m y uns uc c es s ful s ortie, I found Chris tine s itting in the kitc hen, feeding Ric hard. 'W ell?' s he as ked nervous ly. 'I c an't s ee anything,' I told her, 'but I'll have another look in the m orning when it's light.' 'W hat about giving Mr Hinderwell a c all?' s ugges ted Chris tine. Mauric e Hinderwell was the County P es t Control Offic er whom I had m et the previous year when vis iting one of the c ounty's s c hools . He was a s trange little m an, not unlike the rodents he c aught and killed, with dark inquis itive eyes , s m all pointed nos e, protuberant white teeth and glos s y blac k hair bris tling on his s c alp. T he s c hool had had a nes t of rats , whic h he had dis pos ed of in quic k tim e and with a great degree of relis h. W hen rats appeared in the garden of P eewit Cottage, I had c alled on his s ervic es and s inc e then not a rat had been s een. Now, it s eem ed, there was a s trong pos s ibility that a rat had returned and was in the hous e. 'I'll c all him in the m orning,' I s aid. A s s oon as I was bac k in bed with Chris tine s nuggled up bes ide m e and the baby in his c arryc ot bes ide us , the nois e s tarted again in earnes t. A dded to the s c ratc hing and s c raping, there was now the nois e of tiny feet rac ing up and down above us . 'S ounds as though he is preparing for the Rat Olym pic s ,' I c om m ented unwis ely. Chris tine gave a m uffled s hriek. 'I'm going to m y parents in the m orning,' s he s aid, 'and not c om ing bac k until you've got rid of it.' A s s oon as it was light, I c lim bed the ladder to the loft, arm ed with a poker. I pus hed m y head c harily through the hatc h and s aw our noc turnal vis itor. S itting on its haunc hes and s taring at m e with large blac k eyes was a grey s quirrel. I c ould als o s ee how it had got into the loft - light was c om ing through a hole in the c orner where a s late had c om e loos e. 'It's a s quirrel,' I c alled down to Chris tine. 'A c ute, little bus hy-tailed s quirrel. He's getting in through a hole under the eaves .' I c ould hear the relief in Chris tine's voic e. 'W ell, I'm glad it's not a rat,' s he s aid, 'but I s till don't want a s quirrel, however c ute, taking up res idenc e.' A m om ent later, I c am e down from the loft. 'W ell, he'll not be bac k,' I s aid. 'I've bloc ked up his entranc e and that s hould s top him getting in. T hat's the end of our little vis itor.' W ould that had been the c as e! A s it turned out, the s quirrel bec am e yet another item on m y lis t of problem s .

6 T he following day, Friday, was the day of the firs t m eeting of the new autum n term of the team of ins pec tors . I wanted to get to the S taff Developm ent Centre before m y c olleagues to dis c us s the s ituation at Ugglem atters by J unior S c hool with W inifred de la Mare, the Chief Ins pec tor. I had been s o looking forward to the s tart of the new term and little expec ted that in the very firs t s c hool that I would vis it there would be a problem , and what was likely to be a m ajor one at that. A fter we had m oved downs tairs to our new offic e we had had a week before s c hools went bac k, during whic h tim e I had planned all m y forthc om ing c ours es , worked out a tim etable of s c hool vis its , and had organis ed s upport m aterials for teac hers , and had then s at bac k in m y c hair the Friday before the s tart of the new s c hool year feeling rather s m ug. I s hould have rec alled the c autionary advic e of one of m y c olleagues . David P ritc hard, the s m all, good-hum oured W els hm an res pons ible for Mathem atic s , P E and Gam es , had onc e warned m e agains t the danger of bec om ing too c om plac ent. In his s onorous , lugubrious W els h valley voic e he had told m e that when things s eem to be going s wim m ingly, dis as ter generally s trikes like s om eone poking a great s tic k through the s pokes of your bic yc le when you are leas t expec ting it, with the res ult that you are over the handlebars and flat on your fac e. A fter m y vis it to Ugglem atters by J unior S c hool I felt dec idedly prone. T he c hild's innoc ent ques tion at that s c hool, 'W hat are you for?' had s tayed firm ly in m y m ind. W hat w as I for? It was c lear to m e that m y func tion was to help im prove the educ ation of the young in the c ounty by obs erving, rec ording, reporting and advis ing head teac hers and teac hers . It appeared I had not been very s uc c es s ful in the c as e of the J unior S c hool and I gues s ed that the Chief Ins pec tor would have s om ething pretty s harp to s ay when s he found out. W inifred de la Mare had only been in pos t for a term , having taken over from the previous S enior Ins pec tor, Dr Harold Yeats , an eas y-going, tolerant, gentle giant of a m an. Harold, ever optim is tic , phlegm atic and of a kindly dis pos ition, avoided c onfrontation and had been a delight to work with. Our new bos s was a very different c harac ter altogether: extrem ely effic ient, c lear-s ighted, frighteningly intelligent and, for anyone foolis h enough to take her on, a form idable advers ary. S he did not s uffer fools gladly and expec ted the highes t profes s ional s tandards and a great deal of hard work from her c olleagues . Years of experienc e as a highly-res pec ted and s enior m em ber of Her Majes ty's Ins pec torate of S c hools , had prepared her well for the ups and downs of this new appointm ent and s he was fully equipped to deal with diffic ult head teac hers , unpredic table c olleagues , well-m eaning Chief E duc ation Offic ers who liked to delegate, and dem anding and frequently interfering elec ted m em bers of the E duc ation Com m ittee on the County Counc il. W hen that Com m ittee had propos ed the c los ure of a num ber of s m all s c hools , two of whic h were not only greatly valued by the s m all c om m unities they s erved but als o produc ed m ore than adequate res ults , Mis s de la Mare had m ars halled the fac ts , c om e out fighting and had pers uaded the c ounc illors to s c rap the idea. I was greatly relieved and very grateful to her for one of the s c hools on the lis t for c los ure had been Hawks rill, the s c hool whic h m y own c hild would one day attend. Mis s de la Mare s poke her m ind, fought her c orner and got things done but s he was als o good hum oured, s upportive and was s om eone for whom we ins pec tors had a great deal of res pec t. S inc e s he had taken up her pos t at the beginning of the previous term , there had been m any c hanges and all for the better. A m onth after s he had arrived, Mis s de la Mare had em erged from the Chief E duc ation Offic er's room at County Hall with the new title of Chief Ins pec tor and the prom is e that all the ins pec tors ' s alary s c ales would be re-negotiated. J ulie, the ins pec tors ' c lerk, had s oon after been prom oted and re-des ignated ins pec tors ' s ec retary: that was no c hange s o far as we were c onc erned s inc e we had always c alled her 's ec retary'. S he had now been prom is ed extra c leric al help. S he would no longer have to type all the s c hool reports , whic h had oc c upied s o m uc h of her tim e, but s end them to the c entral typing pool at County Hall. B ut the m ajor c hange, of c ours e, had been the m ove downs tairs of the ins pec tors ' offic e. No longer were the four of us in a c ram ped and c luttered offic e, but in a m uc h m ore s pac ious and newly refurbis hed area on the ground floor, form erly oc c upied by the s c hool ps yc hologis ts . J ulie had been up-graded from her broom c upboard to a s till s m all but light and airy room . Yes , indeed, Mis s W inifred de la Mare had c ertainly got things done. A s I drove into the S taff Developm ent Centre that S eptem ber m orning I wondered jus t what s he would do about m e. T he S taff Developm ent Centre, where all the c ours es and c onferenc es for teac hers and m os t of the s taff m eetings and interviews took plac e, had onc e been a s ec ondary m odern s c hool. T he form er playground area was now the c ar park, the bigges t c las s room s and the hall had been adapted for lec tures and c ours es , and the s m aller room s had been c onverted into m eeting room s and res ourc e c entres . T here was a s m all s taff room , referenc e library, well-equipped kitc hen, s pac ious lounge area and offic e. T he S DC was as a good s c hool s hould be - bright, c heerful and welc om ing and, above all, s potles s ly c lean and orderly. T his was as a res ult of the indus try and devotion of the c aretaker, Connie, who kept the building, ins ide and out, im m ac ulate. Connie was a c olourful and as s ertive c harac ter - a warm -hearted, down-to-earth Yorks hire wom an who had no unders tanding whats oever of rank, s tatus or s oc ial s tanding in the world. S he was s everally known by S idney Clam p as 'that virago with the feather dus ter', 'the tyrant with the teapot', 'the c aretaker from hell', 'the term agant in pink', 'the des pot with the s tepladders ' and various other as s orted c ognom ens . E veryone who drove through the gates or c ros s ed the thres hold of her dom ain, be it Dr B rian Gore, our es teem ed Chief E duc ation Offic er, or the hum ble m an who arrived to em pty the dus tbins , was greeted with the s am e unc om prom is ing forthright m anner, us ually with the words , 'I hope you've parked your vehic le in the c orrec t s pec ific ated areas and not bloc ked m y entranc e.' Connie had a delightfully ec c entric c om m and of the E nglis h language. S he was a m is tres s of the m alapropis m and a s killed prac titioner of the non s equitur. For Connie, E nglis h was not a dull and dreary bus ines s , it was s om ething to twis t and play with, dis tort, invent and re-interpret. S he c ould m angle words like a m inc er s hredding m eat. S he had a s om ewhat explos ive relations hip with S idney who, being loud, expres s ive, untidy and larger than life, was a pers on guaranteed to c ros s s words with her. S he onc e vowed 'to take the bull between the horns ' and tac kle S idney (who s he des c ribed as 'a wolf in c heap c lothing') onc e and for all. 'T he m es s that m an leaves behind,' s he frequently c om plained, 'with all his artific ated c ours es . I'm s ic k and tired of c learing up after him . He leaves a trail of debris and des truc tion wherever he goes .' Onc e when s he had returned to work after being 'in bed with her bac k' - the res ult of m oving large bags of c lay S idney had left after his pottery c ours e - Connie had announc ed that bec aus e of Mr Clam p s he had been 'under a ps yc hopath for a week'. On another oc c as ion, when s om e teac hers c om plained that they c ouldn't hear one of the s peakers who was delivering a lec ture in the m ain hall, s he agreed that the 'agnos tic s ' were not too good in that partic ular room . S uc h a c harac ter, pos itioned at the entranc e to the Centre, with her c opper-c oloured perm , attired in a brilliant pink nylon overall and holding a feather dus ter like a field m ars hal with his baton ready to do battle, c ould be quite unnerving for vis itors . Teac hers attending c ours es at the S DC, s eeing Connie's s et expres s ion, whic h c ould freeze s oup in c ans , and the s m all s harp eyes watc hing their every m ovem ent, would c reep pas t her like naughty s c hoolc hildren. A fter the c offee break they would dutifully return their c ups to the s erving hatc h under Connie's watc hful s tare, and they'd leave the c loakroom s in the pris tine c ondition in whic h they had found them . A t the end of their lec tures , vis iting s peakers would ens ure that the equipm ent they had us ed was neatly put away, the c hairs c arefully s tac ked, the room s left in an orderly fas hion, litter plac ed in the appropriate rec eptac les and all c roc kery returned to the kitc hen. S he had been known to purs ue offenders into the c ar park and berate them if they did not leave the room exac tly as they had found it. On this dam p, dreary S eptem ber m orning, Connie was s tanding at the entranc e in her fam iliar pos e as I entered the Centre. Under her s c rutinis ing eye, I thoroughly wiped m y feet on the m at and c los ed the door without banging it. 'Oh, it's you, is it?' s he s aid. No 'Good m orning, Mr P hinn, have you had a nic e holiday?' No, 'Hello, and how are you?' J us t 'Oh, it's you, is it?' was all I was going to get. 'Good m orning, Connie,' I replied, trying to s ound c heerful. 'Y ou're early. T he m eeting does n't s tart till eight thirty. I've only jus t put the tea urn on.' 'I was hoping to s ee Mis s de la Mare before the s tart,' I told her. 'Has s he arrived yet?' 'S he's in Meeting Room One, rootling through a pile of papers ,' Connie replied. 'T he am ount of paperwork you lot get through! A c res of A m azon rain fores ts m us t get c hopped down every week to keep you ins pec tors in paper. T here's s uc h a thing as c ons ervatis m , you know. I s uppos e you'll be wanting a c up of c offee?' 'T hat would be s plendid,' I s aid. 'I've only got the ordinary kind,' s he s aid, s taring at m e fierc ely as if expec ting s om e s ort of c onfrontation. 'Not that dec affeinic ated s tuff.' 'T hat's fine,' I replied. 'I had a head teac her in here las t term as king for "proper" c offee. "A nd what's proper c offee when it's at hom e?" I as ked her. "P roper ground c offee," s he s aid, "that you get in one of thos e c af... er, c ath... um , c atheters ."' 'Cafetiere,' I m urm ured. 'W hat?' 'Nothing.' 'A ny road, I s aid to her, "I don't s erve anything fanc y, jus t ordinary ins tant c offee out of a jar not out of an er... um ... and you c an like it or lum p it."' 'W ell, I would like it, Connie,' I told her, 'jus t s o long as it's hot and wet.' 'J us t as well,' s he told m e, m ollified, 'bec aus e that's all I've got. I'll go and put the kettle on. Oh, before I go, I've told Mis s de la Mare that we've got painters and dec orators in the Centre next week and to rem ind you ins pec tors at your m eeting that s om e of the room s will be unavailable and there'll be a lot of wet paint about. If Mr Clam p thinks he c an s wan into the Centre without a by-your-leave and arrange c ours es without booking a room , as he's ac c us tom is ed to do, then he's got another think c om ing.' 'I'll rem ind them ,' I told her. 'T he las t thing I want is dec orators m es s ing the plac e up, leaving paint all over the floor, putting m arks on m y walls , m oving m y s tepladders . I s hall be keeping a c los e eye on them , you c an be s ure of that.' Oh yes , I thought to m ys elf, as s he s trode off in the direc tion of the kitc hen, flic king her feather dus ter along the walls and ac ros s the top of the books helves as s he went, I c an be s ure of that and no m is take. I found Mis s de la Mare at a large table in the m eeting room s c ribbling s om e notes on a vas t pad of paper. T he whole of the s urfac e around her was c overed in papers and booklets , folders and files . Dres s ed in a s ubs tantial and rather loud red and green tweed s uit, s he looked m ore like the Madam Chairm an of the Y orks hire Countrywom en's A s s oc iation than the Chief Ins pec tor of S c hools . 'Good m orning,' I s aid, feeling m y s tom ac h c hurning. 'Oh, good m orning, Gervas e,' s he replied, looking over the top of her rim les s half-m oon s pec tac les . 'Y ou're bright and early.' 'Y es ,' I s aid. 'I was hoping to have a word with you before the m eeting.' 'T hat's a c oinc idenc e,' s he replied, putting her pen down, rem oving her s pec tac les and turning to fac e m e. 'I was hoping to have a word with you, too.' 'Really?' 'Y es , about s om ething - how s hall I put it - of a s om ewhat delic ate nature.' 'T hat s ounds om inous ,' I s aid. 'W ell, it m ight blow up into s om ething very s erious if it's not handled c arefully. Dr Gore has as ked for it to be dealt with as a m atter of s om e urgenc y.' 'A nd it c onc erns m e?' I as ked. 'Y es , it does ,' s he replied. 'I had better s it down.' 'T his is not s om ething that is going to take a few m inutes , Gervas e,' s he told m e. 'I need to s peak to you at s om e length about this partic ular m atter. It c onc erns a s c hool report you wrote s om e tim e ago.' My heart s ankinto m y s hoes . S urely no one c ould have s poken to her about Ugglem atters by J unior S c hool s o s oon. T hen I rec alled Mrs S idebottom 's words that her hus band was a c olleague of Counc illor P eters on, an im portant m em ber of the E duc ation Com m ittee and Mr S idebottom had probably been on the phone to his c hum who, in turn, had m os t s urely been on to Dr Gore s traight after m y vis it the day before. 'S o,' s aid Mis s de la Mare, 'are you able to rem ain behind after the m eeting?' 'Y es , of c ours e,' I s aid, feeling the s tirrings of tens ion and dread building up ins ide of m e. 'My firs t appointm ent this afternoon is at one thirty.' 'W ell, you m ay have to c anc el that,' s he s aid, plac ing the s pec tac les bac k on her nos e and pic king up her pen. 'Now, if you'll exc us e m e, I really don't wis h to appear rude but I have to finis h the agenda for this m orning's m eeting. T here is quite a deal for us to get through.' I joined Connie in the kitc hen. 'T here's no Garibaldis ,' s he s aid bluntly, pouring boiling water into a m ug. 'It m ight be a pigm ent of m y im agination but I c ould s wear blind there was a full two pac kets of bis c uits at the beginning of this week. T hey c ons um e Garibaldis in this plac e like there's no tom orrow. I've an idea it's Mr Clam p who's the c ulprit. He's always got his hands in m y bis c uit barrel, nibbling away like a half-s tarved s quirrel.' 'Don't m ention s quirrels ,' I s aid. 'W hy, what's wrong with s quirrels ?' 'Don't as k,' I told her. 'A nyway,' s aid Connie, 'there are only c us tard c ream s and a c ouple of ginger nuts , though I dare s ay it's a bit early for bis c uits .' 'Did you have a nic e holiday?' I as ked, trying to take m y m ind off the im pending interview with the Chief Ins pec tor. 'No, I didn't! ' s he replied, pulling open the fridge door and taking out a jug of m ilk. S he s wirled it around and then s niffed at it. 'You know, that new m ilkm an m us t think I was born yes terday trying to palm m e off with old m ilk. I always order three bottles , all s em i-s kim m ed. T his m orning I gets two full c ream and neither are fres h.' S he s lid the jug ac ros s to m e. 'I c ould s wear it's on the turn.' 'W hat was wrong with your holiday?' I as ked, pouring s om e m ilk in m y c offee and perc hing on a s tool. 'I thought you us ually take your grandc hildren to your c aravan.' I knew from experienc e that onc e I m oved the c onvers ation on to the topic of her grandc hildren, Connie's apparently s harp and offhand m anner would im m ediately evaporate for s he doted on little Dam ien and Luc y. A t the m ention of them , the thin line of her m outh would dis appear, the arm s that had been tightly folded under her bos om would relax and her eyes would s parkle. T here was nothing s he liked better than talking about her grandc hildren. 'W e did take them on holiday with us ,' Connie told m e, 'but it rained c ats and dogs for m os t of the week. Torrential it was and the winds were wic ked and nearly blew us into the bay. W e hardly got on the beac h. P oor little m ites were as good as gold-dus t but we never had a c hanc e to build s andc as tles or go on the donkeys or take a s troll along the prom . W e did go out on a boat trip but if I vom ited onc e I vom ited five tim es . Up and down went that boat like a fiddler's elbow. W e s pent m os t of the holiday in a c aff on the front or in the am us em ents .' 'S o, what -' I began. 'Our little Dam ien was no trouble at all but then he went and los t his purs e with all his holiday m oney in it. A t the polic e s tation, the s ergeant was about as m uc h us e as a grave robber at a c rem atorium . "Can you rem em ber where you los t it, s onny?" he as ks him . I s aid, "If he knew where he los t it we'd be there looking for it, wouldn't we, and not was ting polic e tim e?" P eople s ay the daftes t things . A nyway we never did find the purs e. I s aid to Ted, I s aid, "W ell, we c an kis s that down the drain." I bought him a s tic k of roc k to c heer him up - Dam ien, that is , not Ted - and he went and dropped that in a puddle and roared his little eyes out for the res t of the day. No, Mr P hinn, the holiday was not a s uc c es s . It was c atas trophic al.' 'Y ou ought to be on the s tage Connie,' I s aid, laughing. I was feeling m uc h better already. 'W hat's that s uppos ed to m ean?' s he as ked. 'J us t that you c an tell a very entertaining s tory. A nyway, your grandc hildren are bac k at s c hool this week.' I took a s ip of the c offee and pulled a fac e. T he m ilk was indeed s our. 'I do think this m ilk-' I s tarted. Connie was now in full flight and, onc e on the topic of her grandc hildren, was not to be diverted. 'K een as m us tard to get bac k to s c hool, they were. You s hould have s een the s c hool report from their head teac her what they brought hom e at the end of las t term . A t the c onfrontation m eeting, Mis s P ilkington told m y daughter that they are a delight to teac h and both doing really well. A s s harp as buttons they are and very good little readers . T op table m aterial, s he s aid. I wouldn't s ay they were c hild progenies or anything like that but they c ertainly weren't at the bac k of the queue when the brains was given out.' 'I'm glad they like reading,' I s aid. 'Y ou know, if every parent in the c ountry read with their c hildren every night for jus t half an hour it would m ake s o m uc h differenc e.' 'Oh, they get a s tory every night and when they're on their own they never have their nos es out of a book,' s aid Connie. 'It was our Dam ien's birthday over the s um m er and his grand-dad bought him this pic ture book about a c roc odile, whic h c am e with a glove puppet. I s aid to Ted that I thought it was a bit frightening m ys elf. B ig green thing this puppet was , with huge yellow eyes and rubber teeth and a long s c aly tail. P ut the wind up m e, I don't m ind s aying. Ted, daft as a brus h, kept c has ing m e round the bedroom with this c roc odile. I don't know what the neighbours m us t have thought hearing m e s houting at him , "P ut it away, it's horrible." A nyhow, he got Dam ien on his knee and kept s napping the c reature's jaws together. T here were thes e two piec es of wood under the fabric and they c lac ked really loudly every tim e he s napped them together.' 'It's jus t the s ort of thing c hildren love,' I s aid. 'A ny road,' c ontinued Connie, 'in the c roc odile's m outh was a s m all fis h, little c oloured plas tic thing. T ed opened the jaws wide and as ked young Dam ien, "W ould you like to take the fis h out of the c roc odile's m outh?" He looks up at his granddad with thes e big eyes and do you know what he replied?' I s hook m y head. 'Y ou tell m e, Connie.' 'He s aid, "Dream on! "' Connie laughed, and repeated, '"Dream on! " Can you beat it! ' T hen her s m ile went. 'B ut, if you was to as k m e, I think that m y daughter - T ric ia, that is - tends to s poil Luc y when it c om es to food. Dam ien eats like there's no tom orrow. Dam ien Dus tbin his granddad c alls him but Luc y's very fernic kity. S he wants all this fanc y s tuff, wholem eal bread and high-fibre c ereals . W on't touc h butter. Has to have this m argarine with that m onoglutinous s odom ite. I told her, I s aid that when I was a girl, I'd have given m y right arm for a bit of butter and you ate what you were given. T here was no c hoic e and if you didn't c lean your plate then there was no pudding. I s aid there are lots of people s tarving in A fric a who would be glad of what s he's turning her nos e up at. T here were no burgers and c hips and c hic ken nuggets and ic e c ream s and s weets when I was a girl. None of this dec affeinic ated c offee and orgas m ic vegetables . T hey were lean years in the nineteen-thirties and forties , and you ate what you got. I rem em ber m y m other boiling up a s heep's head to m ake s oup and it las ted for a fortnight. W e went bers erk at the s ight of an orange, and I rem em ber m y firs t banana. Y ou c ouldn't get them during the war, unles s you was pregnant, whic h of c ours e I was n't.' I glanc ed s urreptitious ly at m y watc h and wis hed I had never s tarted this c onvers ation. 'W ell, I had better m ake a m ove,' I s aid. 'T o be hones t, it c am e as a bit of a s urpris e that firs t banana,' s he s aid, s m iling at the m em ory. I was now intrigued. 'In what way?' I as ked. 'W ell, I don't know whether I s hould tell you,' s he s aid, s till s m iling. 'Go on,' I c oaxed. 'No, I'll tell you another tim e,' s he s aid. 'T hey'll be here for the m eeting in a m inute.' Connie pic ked up the jug of m ilk, s niffed it again, harrum phed and poured the c ontents down the s ink. 'I thought this m ilk had gone off. It'll be dried m ilk or blac k c offee for you ins pec tors this m orning.' I was now des perate to know. 'I'm not m oving until you tell m e.' 'T ell you what?' 'A bout the bananas .' 'W ell, T ed and m e were on our firs t date. I've probably told you that m y father was very s tric t with us girls . I had to tell him where I was going and who I was m eeting and how I was getting hom e. I had to be in by a c ertain tim e or there'd be fireworks . Onc e I was only down the road at m y friend's hous e and Dad c am e and c ollec ted m e. I was s ixteen and felt s o em barras s ed. I don't know what he thought I would be getting up to. I was very native. I m ean, I didn't even know what a hom os exual was until I m et T ed.' 'W hat's this got to do with the bananas ?' I as ked, s tifling m y laughter. 'I'm c om ing to that. My m other was like m y father and was forever warning m e about boys and what they would like to get up to.' S he lowered her voic e in c as e there was anyone in the vic inity eaves dropping, and m outhed. 'You know, hokey-pokey - that s ort of c arry on. S he'd s ay, "B oys are only after one thing, Cons tanc e. J us t rem em ber that your nam e m eans faithful and dependable s o don't go s itting on a boy's knee but if you do find yours elf in that pos ition always have a telephone direc tory between the pair of you." I don't for the life of m e know where you'd get hold of a telephone direc tory at a danc e.' Connie vigorous ly wiped down the already pris tine s tainles s s teel draining board. 'S he wouldn't let m e wear patent leather s hoes in c as e they reflec ted m y knic kers . A nyway, Dad wanted to m eet Ted to give him the onc e over and warn him to watc h his s tep. He was very protec tionis t was m y father. He ins is ted Ted s hould s ee m e bac k hom e after the film , ten thirty at the lates t. I m ean, you'd laugh about it now when youngs ters s tay out all hours and get up to all s orts . A nd it was n't as if I was a s lip of girl or anything, I was getting on for thirty when Ted firs t took m e out. In thos e days the T ivoli Cinem a - we c alled it the flea pit - in the High S treet had thes e double s eats at the bac k for c ourting c ouples where it's all dark and s ec luded. T here were no arm res ts s eparating s o s om e of them were having a right old kis s and c anoodle and a whole lot m ore if truth be told.' 'A nd the bananas ?' I prom pted. 'I'm about to tell you,' s aid Connie. 'W e were halfway through B rief E nc ounter and Ted had his arm around m e, as they do, and he s ays , "I've got a s urpris e for you." Oooh, I thought, a box of c hoc olates or a pair of s ilk s toc kings or s om ething of that s ort. T hen Ted thrus ts this banana into m y hand. Cours e, it was pitc h blac k s o I c ouldn't s ee what it was . "Here you are," he whis pers , "get hold of that." I s c ream ed blue m urder, the film s topped, the m anager c am e running down the ais le and we were as ked to leave the c inem a.' 'Connie! ' I s aid in a m oc k-outraged voic e. 'I'm s hoc ked! ' 'Go on with you! Y ou're a m arried m an with a kiddie. Mind you, I'd been m arried for twenty-five years before I told Dad about it. How he laughed. I rem em ber the tears rolling down his c heeks . A nd I always rem em bers that tim e if anyone m entions bananas .'

7 Following m y c hat with Connie, I was c ertainly feeling a whole lot better than I had been when, ten m inutes later, two of m y c olleagues arrived for the m eeting. David P ritc hard and S idney Clam p were arguing as us ual as they entered the building. 'T he W els h are not s tand-offis h at all, S idney,' David was s aying angrily. I c ould hear him down the c orridor. 'A s s oon as you go into a s hop in W ales they all s top talking E nglis h and break into that s pluttery inc om prehens ible language of yours ,' S idney replied. 'T hey do it deliberately. I find it infuriating.' T hey arrived at the hatc h to the kitc hen and I m oved out of the kitc hen to m eet them . 'Good m orning,' I s aid. 'Gervas e,' s aid S idney, not returning m y greeting, 'is it not a fac t that the W els h are les s than friendly, in partic ular when it c om es to the E nglis h?' 'Not at all,' I replied. 'I have always found the W els h a m os t agreeable rac e. Mos t of the m as ters when I was at s c hool were W els h, and they were very friendly and pleas ant.' 'You s ee,' s aid David, 'Gervas e agrees with m e. T he W els h are the world's greates t teac hers and preac hers , and the Land of m y Fathers is a m os t hos pitable nation, des pite what the E nglis h have done to it over the c enturies , repres s ing our way of life, trying to ban our m ellifluous language and s tam p out the c ulture.' 'Oh pleas e, I beg you,' pleaded S idney, pres s ing his hands together as if in prayer, 'don't let's go down the road of the E nglis h oppres s ion of the W els h again, the herois m of Glendower and the dec line of the Druids .' 'It's a fac t,' s aid David. 'My dear grandm other had to wear the W els h K not at s c hool for daring to s peak her native language.' 'T he what?' I as ked. 'It was a s ort of noos e,' explained David, 'whic h the teac her plac ed around a c hild's nec k as a punis hm ent for s peaking W els h. T he E nglis h tried to s uppres s our native language, you s ee. If a teac her heard a c hild s peaking W els h, the language of his hom e and his forefathers , he or s he was m ade to wear this noos e as a punis hm ent. B arbaric it was . My poor grandm other never forgot that hum iliation.' 'From what I have heard of your W els h grandm other, this W els h K not had little effec t,' s aid S idney. 'S he never s topped talking or m is s ed an opportunity of proffering her hom ely advic e.' 'Cruel it was ,' s aid David, 'putting a noos e around a c hild's nec k. B ut des pite the tyranny of the E nglis h over the c enturies , we W els h have rem ained a very generous and welc om ing nation. P erhaps , S idney, it is bec aus e of your loud and aggres s ive m anner that people reac t to you in the way they do.' 'Loud and aggres s ive! ' s pluttered his c olleague. 'M oi?' Connie poked her head through the hatc h and glowered. 'It's like a P unc h and J udy s how out there,' s he s aid. 'W ill you keep your voic es down?' 'Morning, Connie,' s aid David. 'Do you two want c offee?' 'A h, Connie,' s aid S idney, 'what a delight to s ee your happy, s m iling c ountenanc e, brightening up m y s ad and s orry life on s uc h a wet, windy and inc redibly inhos pitable m orning.' Connie grim ac ed and thrus t two large m ugs of blac k c offee through the hatc h. 'A nd perc hanc e I m ight c rave a s oupc eon of m ilk,' s ugges ted S idney. 'It's off! ' s napped Connie s lam m ing the hatc h c over with a bang and m is s ing S idney's fingers by an inc h. 'Y ou know, I c an s ee the effic ac y of this W els h K not,' s aid S idney thoughtfully. 'I wonder if Connie m ight be prevailed upon to wear the E nglis h equivalent.' T he three of us retired to the s m all s taff room . S idney put down his c offee before flopping in a c hair and looking at his watc h. 'S o, are our loins fully girded up for the ons laught of the new term and our m eeting with the wonderful W innie?' 'S s hh! Don't let the bos s hear you c all her that,' I warned him . W hen the Chief Ins pec tor, Mis s W inifred de la Mare, had s tarted at the beginning of the previous term , none of us had known how to addres s her. W e had been s itting in the s am e s taff room before the firs t ins pec tors ' m eeting of the term , m uc h as we were doing now. 'W hat are we going to c all our es teem ed leader,' S idney had as ked. 'W inifred is s uc h an awful nam e,' he'd s aid, tipping bac k in his c hair, 'and Mis s de la Mare is a terrible m outhful.' 'I had an aunt c alled W inifred,' David had s aid. 'Dreadful old c rone s he was , always m oaning and groaning and -' He had s topped abruptly when a large figure loom ed in the doorway. 'Good m orning, gentlem en,' the lady in ques tion had boom ed as we had all s hot to our feet. 'I quite agree about the nam e - and don't even think about s hortening it to W innie, whic h is what I had to s uffer all through m y s c hool days . "W innie the P ooh", s om e of the other girls would c all m e. My c los e friends c alled m e Della and I s ugges t that is what you do.' S he had beam ed at us , but then added quic kly, 'B ut only when we are working together, m ind. A t any public event, I s hould be grateful if you would pleas e revert to Mis s de la Mare, jus t to keep up appearanc es .' W e had all m um bled our agreem ent, and that was how it had been. S idney now looked up at the c loc k on the wall. 'If Geraldine does n't get her s kates on, s he'll be late for the m eeting. Inc identally, do you know -' W hatever knowledge S idney was going to im part c am e to an abrupt halt as the door opened and Mis s de la Mare put her head round. 'Good m orning, gentlem en. Could you bear to wait jus t a bit longer? I am having a word with Geraldine at the m om ent, but we'll be through in five m inutes .' 'I wonder why s he is having a word with Geraldine?' m us ed David when Mis s de la Mare had gone. 'I s uppos e the only tim e s he c an m anage to s ee our elus ive c olleague is at our m eetings ,' obs erved S idney. 'It was quite a s urpris e to s ee her in the offic e yes terday, having friendly c hit-c hat. S he was like a ghos tly pres enc e for m os t of las t year.' Dr Geraldine Mullarkey, the ins pec tor in c harge of S c ienc e and T ec hnology, was the m os t rec ently appointed m em ber of our team and tended to keep very m uc h to hers elf. 'S he has her s m all c hild to s ee to,' David rem inded his c olleague. 'It c an't be all that eas y, a s ingle parent bringing up a lively toddler and holding down a dem anding job. I s hould think that the las t thing s he wants is badinage and friendly c hit-c hat with you.' 'Y ou don't need to jum p to her defenc e, m y W els h friend,' s aid S idney. 'I was n't being c ritic al of the wom an. I was m erely obs erving that s he is not one to fraternis e or join us for witty c onvers ation.' 'W itty! ' s pluttered David. 'Is that what you c all it?' 'I've been c alled a s hining wit, I'll have you know,' s aid S idney, winking at m e. 'W ell, that's what you thought you heard s om eone s ay about you,' I c om m ented. 'I rec kon you m is heard, S idney. Y ou have heard of a s pooneris m , I take it?' 'I s hall ignore that c ruel and c utting c om m ent,' s aid m y c olleague. 'It's nearly eight thirty, s o I s uppos e we had better be m aking a m ove.' 'I m us t s ay,' s aid David getting to his feet, 'that s inc e our W inifred arrived, we get through bus ines s like a dos e of s alts . Meetings went on interm inably with Harold, largely bec aus e he was unable to s hut you up, S idney.' 'I s trongly objec t to that s lur,' began his c olleague. 'If there is anyone with verbal diarrhoea, il mio amic o pic c olo, it's you. B ring bac k the good old W els h K not, that's what I s ay.' 'Com e along, you two,' I s aid. 'W e'd better return our c ups to the kitc hen before we s tart, or we'll have Connie after us .' 'S om ething I pos itively do not wis h to experienc e,' groaned S idney, pic king up his m ug. Geraldine Mullarkey was c hatting to Mis s de la Mare when the three of us arrived in the m eeting room . S he was a pretty young wom an with s hort blac k hair, a pale, delic ately-boned fac e and great blue long-las hed Iris h eyes . Gerry was c lever, pers onable and very effic ient but was an exc eptionally private pers on who, when s he was n't vis iting s c hools , tended to work away from the offic e, preferring either the S DC or her own hom e. S he kept her life outs ide the job s tric tly to hers elf and was s om ething of a m ys tery. S oon after s he joined the ins pec torate, we had learned, by ac c ident, that s he had a s m all s on, J am ie. Des pite S idney's interrogation, Gerry would reveal nothing about her pas t life, whether or not s he had been m arried, or who the father of her c hild was . S idney had onc e brought up the m atter of her little boy's parentage and rec eived a c urt res pons e. 'My private life is m y private life, S idney,' Geraldine had told him s harply. 'I do not wis h to dis c us s it.' In Meeting Room One, Mis s de la Mare s at at the head of the table s urrounded by her papers . W e took our plac es around her. 'Good m orning,' s he s aid c heerfully. 'A ll pres ent and c orrec t and on tim e, and I hope all bright-eyed and bus hy-tailed and ready for a c hallenging term .' T he s quirrel in the loft im m ediately flas hed into m y m ind. 'Now, we have a lot to get through this m orning,' c ontinued the Chief Ins pec tor, 'but before I s tart -' Mis s de la Mare's introduc tion was c ut s hort when Connie poked her head around the door. 'I'm s orry to dis turb your deliberations , Mis s de la Mare,' s he s aid, 'but I have an urgent m es s age for Mr P hinn. His wife's phoned and s aid to tell him that the s quirrel has returned.' 'How very intriguing,' s aid S idney at onc e. 'T hanks , Connie,' I s aid. 'I'm s orry about this , Della.' 'A ll s he s aid,' c ontinued Connie, 'was , "the s quirrel has returned".' 'Y ou're not s om e s ec ret agent are you, Gervas e?' as ked S idney. 'T his is not s om e s ort of c oded m es s age: "T he eagle has landed", "T he lion is on the loos e", "T he s quirrel has returned"?' 'W e have a s quirrel in the loft,' I told him . 'T hey c om e in our garden regular,' added Connie. 'S om e of them are quite tam e. I found one in the kitc hen onc e, large as life.' 'A c tually, s quirrels are fas c inating little c reatures ,' added Geraldine. 'I attended a c onferenc e on environm ental educ ation rec ently and the s peaker s aid that grey s quirrel predation is a growing threat to other wildlife, partic ularly birds whos e eggs they eat. It's the indigenous red s quirrel that has all but been wiped out by the foreign grey s quirrel.' 'A s ort of "off-c om ed-un" s quirrel,' s aid S idney, s niggering at his little joke. 'A pparently, the North A m eric an grey s quirrel has been partic ularly c lever at adapting to the B ritis h environm ent,' c ontinued Geraldine, 'and there is a very wide range of food it will eat c om pared to the vegetarian red. It is a little-known fac t -' 'Colleagues ,' interrupted the Chief Ins pec tor, 'I think we have s aid quite enough about s quirrels for one day. T hank you, Geraldine, for that fas c inating ins ight, but we really m us t proc eed. Gervas e will deal with his s quirrel when he gets hom e tonight.' S he c aught s ight of Connie s till s tanding by the door. 'W as there s om ething els e, Connie?' s he as ked. 'W ill you rem ind them about the painters ?' 'P ainters ! ' exc laim ed S idney. 'A nd what painters pray are thes e?' 'Not your s ort,' s aid Connie. 'P ainters and dec orators . T hey'll be in the Centre next week s o I s ugges t you all give it a wide berth.' 'B ut I am running an art c ours e next week! ' exc laim ed S idney. Mis s de la Mare now looked dec idedly annoyed by the prolonged interruption to the m eeting. 'P erhaps you m ight like to dis c us s the m atter with Connie after the m eeting, S idney,' s he s aid firm ly. 'W e really m us t get on. T hank you onc e again, Connie.' Connie departed, m um bling s om ething under her breath. 'Now, as I was s aying,' c ontinued the Chief Ins pec tor, 'the term ahead prom is es to be very c hallenging but I have every c onfidenc e that we will all ris e to that c hallenge.' S he pic ked up a large red folder and plac ed it before her. 'T he m ain bus ines s of the m orning c onc erns re-organis ation.' 'Oh no,' s ighed S idney, leaning bac k prec arious ly on his c hair. 'Not m ore c hange.' 'I'm afraid s o,' s aid Mis s de la Mare. 'T he num bers of c hildren attending the c ounty s c hools has dec lined quite c ons iderably over the las t few years , whic h will m ean c hanges in s taffing and, with that, redeploym ents , retirem ents , redundanc ies and, I'm afraid to s ay, s om e s c hool c los ures .' I looked up s harply. 'Don't look s o worried, Gervas e,' s he added, 'this won't involve Hawks rill, where the num bers are looking very healthy and are on the inc reas e.' 'V ery fec und lot in Hawks rill,' m urm ured S idney bes ide m e. 'I beg your pardon?' I whis pered c ros s ly. Mis s de la Mare gave S idney a withering look before c ontinuing. 'A s you are all aware, I fought long and hard to s top the c los ures of s om e s c hools las t year, s c hools that I felt were viable and doing well, but I'm afraid I've had to bow to the inevitable with thos e s c hools that are les s s uc c es s ful. Mas s ive s avings have to be m ade in the educ ational budget and, s adly, this m eans that s om e s c hools have to c los e. A c c om panying this , of c ours e, will be the interm inable public m eetings and, no doubt, s trong objec tions from parents and governors .' S he pic ked up a paper. 'Now, I have here a rather c onvoluted m em orandum from Dr Gore, c onfidential, of c ours e.' 'W ritten by Mrs S avage, no doubt,' added David, 'in her us ual inc om prehens ible s tyle.' 'Now there's a c as e of predation if ever there was one,' s aid S idney. 'P redatory would be too kind a word to des c ribe Mrs S avage. S he's been a growing threat to everyone in the E duc ation Departm ent s inc e s he was prom oted way beyond her m eagre c apabilities .' 'I have to s ay,' s aid the Chief Ins pec tor, 'that the CE O's P ers onal A s s is tant does have an exc es s ively wordy way of s aying things . I have an idea this s tyle of writing is c alled galim atias - rather c onfus ed and full of s om ewhat m eaningles s jargon. Is that the right word, Gervas e?' 'I've no idea,' I s aid. 'I've another nam e for it,' s aid David. 'T waddle! ' 'W ell, let m e read it,' s aid Mis s de la Mare. 'T he E duc ation Departm ent, as part of the rigorous ongoing proc es s of c ons olidating and developing its educ ational provis ion and in the light of the inc reas ing pupil s hortfall in the c ounty and in c onc ert with the E duc ation S ub-Com m ittee S taffing and Res ourc es , will be ins tituting a thorough, effec tive and c ons ultative initiative in whic h the s c hool ins pec torate will take a leading s trategic part. T he Chief E duc ation Offic er is looking for an ongoing 360 degree feedbac k before the nec es s ary re-engineering, res truc turing and realigning of the educ ational provis ion takes plac e.' ' 'Give m e s trength,' s ighed David. 'A nd what is that gobble-degooks uppos ed to m ean?' 'W hat it m eans ,' explained the Chief Ins pec tor, 'is that we, the ins pec tors , will be res pons ible for c ons ulting interes ted parties and then s eeing through the c los ures .' 'I don't like the s ound of that,' obs erved David, giving a deprec atory s hrug. 'W e will be about as popular with s c hools as K ing Herod at a playgroup,' s aid S idney. 'If I m ay c ontinue,' s aid Mis s de la Mare, allowing hers elf a s light s m ile at S idney's wittic is m , 'an initial s elec tion of the five s c hools has already been m ade by Mrs S avage, bas ed on a num ber of fac tors , or as s he likes to term them , "triggers ": where the pupil population is dec lining m os t rapidly, where there is another s c hool in reas onable travelling dis tanc e or where two s c hools m ight am algam ate, where the teac hing s taff are nearing retirem ent age and m ight favourably c ons ider a redundanc y pac kage, and where the s tandards in the s c hools , bas ed on your reports , are deem ed uns atis fac tory.' 'Mrs S avage has been a bus y bee over the s um m er and no m is take,' s aid David. 'J us t the s ort of job s he would like -c los ing s c hools and putting people out of jobs .' 'P redatory,' m urm ured S idney. 'I have to s ay that you are rather hard on Mrs S avage,' s aid the Chief Ins pec tor. 'I apprec iate that s he's not the m os t pers onable and c o-operative of people and at tim es c an be a little tac tles s , but I have always found her very profes s ional and one who takes her duties s erious ly.' Geraldine rais ed an eyebrow in wordles s c ontradic tion but s aid nothing. 'W ith res pec t, Della,' s aid David witheringly, 'you have not worked with her as long as we have. S he c an be the m os t infuriating, interfering and dom ineering pers on with whom it has been m y m is fortune to c om e into c ontac t.' 'I rarely agree with m y W els h c olleague,' s aid S idney, 'but on this one I am with him all the way. T he purpos e of the wom an's life is a warning to others . S he needs one of thes e W els h K nots around that s wan-like nec k of hers . Let m e give you an ins tanc e of why s he c an be s o dis agreeable. Onc e, when -' 'I'd rather you didn't, S idney,' s aid Mis s de la Mare, c utting him off. 'W e are not here to dis c us s Mrs S avage and I do think it is in rather bad tas te to talk about s trangling her. S he's not really that bad. Let's m ove on. E ac h of us ,' c ontinued the Chief Ins pec tor, 'will take one of thes e s c hools , m ake a vis it, explain things to the headteac her and the res pec tive governing body, addres s the parents ' m eeting, attend the c ons ultative dis c us s ions , and s ubm it a report for Dr Gore to take to the E duc ation S ub-Com m ittee. T hen, when all things have been c ons idered, final dec is ions will be m ade. I am s ure I do not need to s tres s that this is likely to be an extrem ely s ens itive is s ue, bearing in m ind what happened las t tim e when it was s ugges ted s om e s c hools s hould c los e, s o it requires a great deal of diplom ac y and dis c retion.' It was a depres s ing m eeting but near the end the Chief Ins pec tor attem pted to rais e our s pirits and c onc lude on a pos itive note. 'B efore we go on our way, c olleagues ,' s he s aid, 'I s hould like to thank you all for the s terling work and great efforts you put in during the las t ac adem ic year, and m os t es pec ially for all your s upport s inc e I took up m y pres ent pos ition. T he c om m ents from headteac hers and teac hers s peak for them s elves .' Mis s de la Mare pic ked up a letter and held it before her. 'For exam ple, David, Mis s B rons on, the headm is tres s of Lady Cavendis h High S c hool for Girls , has written to Dr Gore who has pas s ed the letter on to m e. S he wis hes to plac e on rec ord her gratitude to you for your, and I quote, "quite s uperb s upport and advic e with the 'A ' level s tudents las t year". I believe you did a s eries of m as terc las s works hops with the s ixth form .' 'I did indeed,' replied David, looking extrem ely pleas ed at the prais e, 'and very well rec eived they were, too.' 'W ell, the res ults in m athem atic s at 'A ' level,' c ontinued Mis s de la Mare, 'were the bes t ever and every applic ant that went on to univers ity to read m athem atic s was s uc c es s ful. Indeed, the s c hool has s een its highes t num ber of s tudents ac c epted to read m athem atic s at Oxbridge.' 'V ery gratifying,' s aid David. 'S o, well done,' added Mis s de la Mare. 'It's very nic e to know that one's efforts have been apprec iated, Della,' s aid David, pluc king his s pec tac les from his nos e, whic h he then proc eeded to c lean with a large c oloured handkerc hief. He breathed nois ily on the lens es , vigorous ly polis hing and holding them up to the light to look for s m ears . 'Yes , very gratifying,' he s aid, s m iling beatific ally. 'In addition, I rec eived only yes terday a very c om plim entary letter from the S c hools A thletic A s s oc iation als o c om m ending your work.' 'My, m y,' rem arked S idney, onc e m ore leaning bac k dangerous ly in his c hair, 'we s hall have to erec t a blue plaque in his honour.' T hen he added, 'In W els h, of c ours e.' 'A nd c ongratulations I think are in order for you, too, S idney,' s aid the Chief Ins pec tor. 'Really?' No one looked m ore s urpris ed than he did. 'T he A rts W eek you organis ed during the s um m er was a great s uc c es s , and I hear on the grapevine that you are going to have an exhibition of your paintings - in a gallery in Y ork, I believe?' 'Y ou kept very quiet about that,' I s aid. 'Congratulations .' 'W ell done, S idney,' s aid Geraldine, 'that's brilliant.' 'T hey aren't thos e awful red and blac ks plodges , s plotc hes , s plas hes , s m ears and daubs fanc ifully c alled abs trac t art whic h any infant c ould paint, are they?' as ked David. 'Never us e one word, m y dear fellow, when four will s uffic e,' replied S idney. 'A c tually the exhibition will inc lude s om e portraits that I have done during the las t few years and s everal lands c apes of the Y orks hire Dales . My agent tells m e that the latter s hould s ell for a not ins ubs tantial am ount.' 'W ell, it's very good for the c ounty to have s uc h a talented artis t on the team ,' s aid Mis s de la Mare. 'W ell done.' 'Y our good wis hes are gratefully rec eived, Della,' s aid S idney, s itting up in his c hair and bowing his head. 'W e c ertainly s eem to have had a good las t term ,' Mis s de la Mare s aid, turning to Geraldine. 'T he teac hers ' evaluation form s for your c ours es , Geraldine, whic h I have jus t been looking through, were, without exc eption, exc ellent. Many of the delegates s aid how very prac tic al, interes ting and varied your in-s ervic e training has been. S o, well done to you, too.' Now all eyes s eem ed to be trained on m e for m y plaudit. 'A nd Gervas e,' began the Chief Ins pec tor, looking m e s traight in the eyes . 'Y es ,' I looked bac k at her expec tantly. 'Y ou won't forget that I want to s peak to you after this m eeting, will you?' 'I have had a s erious c om plaint,' s aid Mis s de la Mare. T he other ins pec tors had gone about their bus ines s and I was alone, with dry m outh and beating heart, fac ing the Chief Ins pec tor for the dreaded m eeting. 'A nd it's about one of m y reports ?' I as ked hes itantly. 'Y es , it does c onc ern one of your reports ,' s he s aid. 'I had Mrs S avage on the telephone yes terday jus t as I was on m y way hom e, and I had to drop everything and go and s ee the CE O.' 'It's that s erious , then?' I as ked. 'I'm afraid it very well m ight be,' replied Mis s de la Mare. 'County Counc illor P eters on is on the war path.'

A s I s us pec ted, Counc illor S idebottom hadn't was ted any tim e in getting in touc h with his pal on the E duc ation Com m ittee. He had probably got on the telephone to County Hall jus t as s oon as his wife had got hom e that afternoon to c om plain about m y vis it. I rec alled her pointed obs ervation about her hus band having a partic ular interes t in educ ation and that he had as pirations to be appointed to the E duc ation Com m ittee alongs ide Counc illor P eters on. Of c ours e, it was no s urpris e that it hadn't been long before that c ounc illor was poking his fat finger into this partic ular pie. County Counc illor George P eters on was an ins ufferably garrulous and s elf-opinionated m an who, on the s everal oc c as ions we had m et, had always s uc c eeded in really irritating m e with his s arc as tic c om m ents , tas teles s obs ervations and vac uous views . If I s aw his barrel-bodied figure s triding down the top c orridor at County Hall, or if I c aught s ight of the ponderous , fles hy fac e, the huge bull nec k with folds whic h overlapped the top of his c ollar and the m op of unnaturally blac k hair appearing around a c orner in Fettles ham High S treet or if I heard his unm is takably bom bas tic voic e is s uing forth from one of the c om m ittee room s , I did a fas t dis appearing ac t. W e had had a num ber of s kirm is hes , the m os t s ignific ant of whic h was when, as a m em ber of an E duc ation Com m ittee, he had been in the vanguard in trying to c los e Hawks rill P rim ary S c hool. Chris tine had been extrem ely ac tive with the pres s ure group to s top the c los ure and had tac kled Counc illor P eters on at the various c ons ultation m eetings . Counc illor P eters on had c ollared m e at County Hall and had warned m e: 'You s hould per'aps 'ave a quiet word with your wife and tell 'er to go eas y' - advic e whic h I had diligently ignored. S o the nam e P hinn was not one for whic h he had a great deal of tim e. Now, as I gues s ed, he would eventually have his s ights firm ly trained on m e. 'Counc illor P eters on?' I s aid. 'S o he's involved, is he?' 'Yes , I'm afraid he has s een fit to take up the m atter,' Mis s de la Mare replied, s haking her head. 'Now,' s he s aid, reac hing for a s ubs tantial file, 'I do not intend to take any s ort of ac tion until I am ac quainted with all the fac ts . I have the s c hool report here and need to c hec k on a few things .' I prepared m ys elf for the wors t. 'S o what c an you tell m e about Mr Hornc hurc h at T arnc liffe P rim ary S c hool?' s he as ked. 'T arnc liffe! ' I exc laim ed. 'Is this about T arnc liffe?' 'Y es , it is ,' the Chief Ins pec tor replied, appearing s tartled by m y outburs t. 'T here has been a s erious c om plaint about a teac her at the s c hool c alled Mr Hornc hurc h. I believe you have s een this young m an teac h on a num ber of oc c as ions , a teac her whom you rate, ac c ording to this report, very highly.' I had geared m ys elf up to dis c us s Ugglem atters by and was s o taken by s urpris e that I was los t for words . A nother of David's bons mots s uddenly c am e to m ind. 'In this job,' he told m e when I had firs t s tarted as a s c hool ins pec tor, 'you expec t a bullet from one direc tion, you s teel yours elf for the im pac t, m entally prepare for it, and then, out of the blue, it c om es up from behind and hits you s m ac k in the bac k.' 'Gervas e?' 'A h yes ,' I s aid. 'E r - er - Mr Hornc hurc h?' 'W hat c an you tell m e about him ?' as ked Mis s de la Mare. 'W ell, let's s ee,' I s aid, trying to re-foc us m y thoughts . 'Um - he's an unus ual m an in m any ways , but a real enthus ias t. He's keen, hard-working, s pends m any hours outs ide s c hool tim e, organis es trips , c oac hes the football team , c onduc ts the c hoir, runs an as tronom y c lub, quite apart from being a very good prac titioner. I think you'll find details of the outs tanding res ults his c las s ac hieves in m y report. He's jus t a bit unc onventional, that's all. I did have oc c as ion to s ee Dr Y eats about him bec aus e he's , well, rather different from your run-of-the-m ill teac her.' 'A nd what did Dr Y eats s ay?' as ked Mis s de la Mare. 'A s I rec all, I think he s aid Mr Hornc hurc h was a s uc c es s ful deviant - deviant in the s ens e of diverging from ac c epted s tandards of behaviour - and that educ ation would be a dull bus ines s if teac hers were all the s am e. He s aid there is a plac e in educ ation for the teac her who is a bit out of kilter and that the teac hers we tend to rem em ber m os t from our own s c hooldays were the ones who were rather different.' 'A nd how is Mr Hornc hurc h different?' enquired Mis s de la Mare, s taring at m e intently. 'He's idios ync ratic ,' I s aid. 'He's untidy, dres s es like a down-at-heel s tudent and his c las s room looks as if a hurric ane has hit it.' A s I s aid this , I rec alled the m an in ques tion - tall, pale-fac ed, with an explos ion of wild, woolly hair and a perm anently s tartled expres s ion, dres s ed in faded denim jeans , old trainers and a T -s hirt with 'P E A CE ' s plas hed ac ros s the front. I dec ided not to tell the Chief Ins pec tor about Mr Horn-c hurc h's unique teac hing m ethods that I had witnes s ed on that s pec ific vis it. He had s at c ros s -legged on his des k, with a c ardboard box on his head. His fac e peered out of a large hole in the front, and this was , he explained, to s im ulate a televis ion s et. He then proc eeded to tell the c hildren a s tory, and I have rarely s een a c las s of c hildren s o engros s ed. 'W hen I vis ited Tarnc liffe, I found his les s on plans were dis organis ed, his planning virtually non-exis tent and the rec ord s ys tem was s o inc om prehens ible a c ode-c rac ker wouldn't have s tood a c hanc e. B ut I m us t add that the quality of the pupils ' work was of the very bes t, the progres s the c hildren m ade under him was exc ellent and his teac hing was firs t c las s .' 'T he proof of the pudding,' m urm ured Mis s de la Mare. 'In fac t,' I s aid, 'he s eem ed to m e to be the s ort of teac her you onc e des c ribed when you were HMI, s peaking at a m eeting in this very room . If m y m em ory s erves m e right, you s aid that what all outs tanding teac hers had in c om m on was their enthus ias m for learning and a des ire to help their s tudents apprec iate and explore the s ubjec ts they taught m ore profoundly. I think Mr Hornc hurc h does jus t this .' 'A nd his relations hip with the c hildren?' s he as ked. 'V ery good,' I replied. 'S o what's this all about?' Mis s de la Mare s tared out of the window and thought for a m om ent and then glanc ed down at a s heet of paper before her. 'A parent of a c hild in Mr Hornc hurc h's c las s has c om plained to Counc illor P eters on that his daughter's teac her us es bad language in the c las s room . T he parent owns a building firm , NB G Cons truc tion, on whic h Counc illor P eters on is a non-exec utive direc tor, and he m entioned it to him .' 'B ad language?' I repeated. 'Yes ,' replied the Chief Ins pec tor. 'B ut there is m ore to it than that. T his parent was in a public hous e and was apparently telling all and s undry about this long-haired, hippy pers on who teac hes his daughter, who s wore like a trooper and how he had m ade a form al c om plaint. A s c hanc e would have it, a reporter from the Fettles ham Gaz ette overheard the c onvers ation, and is writing an artic le bas ed upon this overheard dis c us s ion about the dec line in s tandards in s c hools , teac hers us ing bad language and s o forth, whic h will appear in next Friday's news paper. T he E ditor of the Gaz ette c ontac ted Dr Gore yes terday for a c om m ent, henc e the panic at County Hall. T he Chief E duc ation Offic er, unders tandably, does not like negative public ity, partic ularly when there is a s trong pos s ibility that the c ounty will s hortly be getting a vis it from the Minis ter for E duc ation and S c ienc e.' 'A nd what were thes e words that Mr Hornc hurc h has s uppos edly us ed?' I as ked. 'I don't know,' replied Mis s de la Mare, 'but I am led to believe that they were extrem ely vulgar and offens ive. Of c ours e, Counc illor P eters on hurried down the top c orridor of County Hall to s ee Dr Gore, dem anding ac tion.' 'A s one m ight expec t,' I obs erved. 'Have you ever heard this teac her us e any bad language or s ay anything inappropriate in front of his c las s ?' as ked Mis s de la Mare. 'No, I haven't,' I replied, 'and it s eem s to m e that it would be s o out of c harac ter for him to do s o. He has a very gentle, pos itive and enc ouraging m anner with the c hildren. It's c ertainly not like him to s wear in front of them . He m ight look a bit of an odd-ball but he's extrem ely profes s ional.' 'V ery well,' s aid Mis s de la Mare. 'I would like you to telephone T arnc liffe's headteac her, and arrange to go into the s c hool this afternoon. Report bac k to m e firs t thing on Monday m orning. I don't want anything heavy-handed, you unders tand. I s ugges t a quiet word with both the headteac her and Mr Hornc hurc h would be in order. T hen we s hall have to report bac k to Dr Gore and prepare a c arefully-worded s tatem ent for the news paper. Hopefully, the m atter will be s orted out before it goes to pres s next week.' 'Right,' I s aid, getting up from m y c hair, 'I had better c anc el this afternoon's appointm ents and get s traight on to it.' 'B efore you go, was n't there s om ething you wis hed to dis c us s with m e?' as ked the Chief Ins pec tor. 'Oh that,' I s aid. 'T hat c an wait.'

8 A s s oon as I got bac k to the offic e, I telephoned Mis s Drayton, the headteac her of T arnc liffe P rim ary S c hool, to arrange the vis it for the afternoon. I then c alled Mauric e Hinderwell. 'A s quirrel, eh?' he s aid in that fam iliar thin nas al voic e of his . 'Oh dear.' 'I'd like to get rid of it,' I told him . ' Of c ours e you would,' he replied. 'It'll be a grey s quirrel, of c ours e, S c iurus c arolinens is , brown tinge along the c entre of his bac k, white belly and grey bus hy tail.' 'W ell, I didn't get that good a look as it was dark in the loft,' I told him . 'Oh dear, oh dear,' he s ighed, in a prophet of doom voic e. 'It was in your loft, was it?' 'I c aught s ight of it in the torc h's beam .' 'S ure it was n't a rat? T hey are far m ore ac tive than s quirrels at night. Clever devils are rats .' 'No, no, it was definitely a s quirrel.' 'Y ou s ee, Mr P hinn, your grey s quirrel is m os t lively at dawn and dus k, not in the m iddle of the night,' s aid Mr Hinderwell. 'T hat's when they forage for food. He's a c heeky little devil, is this one.' 'W ell, I want to get rid of it,' I s aid. 'It's dis turbing our s leep, and m y wife's getting into a bit of a s tate about it.' He gave a hollow little laugh. 'I c an unders tand that. Dis turbing your s leep is not all it'll be doing. It'll be c hewing and gnawing with its inc is ors , and s c ratc hing and s c raping away with its s harp c laws , if I know s quirrels . T hey c an c aus e untold dam age c an s quirrels , s tripping your trees , biting through your elec tric c ables , nibbling your woodwork, defec ating all over the plac e. T hey m ight look pretty and appealing but they c an be bloody pes ts , c an grey s quirrels . T hey take food from bird tables , raid birds ' nes ts and eat the eggs and even the very young c hic ks . A nd, of c ours e, they are res pons ible for the dec line of S c iurus v ulgaris .' 'I beg your pardon?' 'T he red s quirrel,' he told m e. 'T he indigenous s pec ies . A ll but wiped them out.' 'S o, c an you help m e?' I as ked. 'T hat is what I do, Mr P hinn, help people with a pes t problem . I'm the County P es t Control Offic er, known affec tionately as the V erm inator. If there's a pes t, Mauric e Hinderwell is the m an to c ontac t. Now, your s quirrel is a rodent like the rat but not quite as elus ive and as c lever as your average S am uel W his kers . He's a wily and very agile little ras c al, but have no fear, I'll tell you how to get him .' 'I s hould be very m uc h obliged,' I s aid, greatly relieved. 'It's not a good idea to try and pois on him .' 'No, I wouldn't want to do that,' I s aid. 'If you put pois oned nuts out, the birds will eat them and you don't want a garden full of dead bluetits , now, do you?' 'Not at all.' 'Do you know anyone who has a gun?' 'Mr Hinderwell, I really would rather not kill him .' 'Not kill him ! ' exc laim ed Mr Hinderwell. 'It's no us e being s entim ental about s quirrels , Mr P hinn, leas twis e your grey variety. T hey're as verm inous and des truc tive as your c om m on or garden rat.' 'A ll the s am e, Mr Hinderwell,' I s aid, 'is there s om e other way? I jus t want to c atc h him .' 'W ell, you c ould us e a trap, I s uppos e,' he s aid. 'I c ould drop one off at the E duc ation Offic e next week. I us ed it rec ently in a s c hool where s quirrels had c hewed through a window fram e and c aus ed a great deal of dam age. I c aught three of them . Told the kiddies they were going to a s quirrel refuge s inc e I didn't want to ups et them . Cours e, when I got hold of them , I -' 'I'm very grateful, Mr Hinderwell,' I interrupted, not wis hing to know the fate of the little c reatures . 'J us t put s om e peanuts in the trap and plac e it in a s ec luded s pot in the garden, and you'll have your s quirrel,' he told m e. 'T hen you c an do what you want with it - or them .' I arrived at Tarnc liffe at the very end of the lunc h hour, having negotiated an em pty grey ribbon of a road, whic h s eem ed to twis t and turn interm inably ac ros s an im m ens e lands c ape of dark fields , where s heep and c attle s heltered in the lee of the old lim es tone walls . T here was a s qually wind and the nois y rooks c irc led and flapped high above the blus tery trees like s c raps of blac k paper. T he s m all prim ary s c hool, whic h fac ed the village green, was a typic al Dales s tone building, with porc h and m ullioned windows . I notic ed that the im pres s ive s olid blac k door s ported a highly-polis hed bras s plate bearing the words : 'W E LCOME T O OUR S CHOOL'. T his was new from m y las t vis it and I s us pec ted it had been added bec aus e, for all the world, the s c hool looked like a private dwelling at firs t glanc e. On one s ide was the village s hop, on the other the grey bric k P rim itive Methodis t Chapel. T he headteac her, Mis s Drayton, was an optim is tic and c heerful pers on whom nothing and no one s eem ed to dis hearten or dis c ourage, but when I inform ed her of the reas on for m y im prom ptu vis it her fac e fell. 'B ad language! ' s he exc laim ed. 'Mr Hornc hurc h? T hat's ridic ulous ! T here m us t be s om e m is take. A s you know, the s c hool c om pris es one large room divided by a partition between the infants and the juniors . I c an hear virtually everything that is s aid next door to m e and I would know if he had us ed any offens ive words .' T hen s he thought for a m om ent. 'Mind you, I've had a s upply teac her in for the odd day or two over the pas t few weeks when I have had to attend regional headteac hers ' m eetings , but s he didn't m ention s he'd heard anything untoward. No, I'm c ertain Mr Hornc hurc h would never us e any kind of inappropriate language with his c las s . He's very profes s ional, if a little unorthodox, and extrem ely well liked by the c hildren and the parents . W ho m ade the c om plaint?' 'A Mr Gas kell,' I told her. 'Oh well, that explains a great deal! ' T he headteac her blew out nois ily through purs ed lips . 'I hate to s ay it, but Mr Gas kell is a m os t dis agreeable m an. He bought the old m anor hous e next to the c hurc h las t Marc h, and he thinks he owns the village already. T he firs t thing he did was try and s top the c hurc h c loc k c him ing during the night bec aus e it dis turbed his s leep. T hen he tried to get planning perm is s ion for the m anor's old orc hard, s o his building c om pany c ould erec t s om e un-s ightly exec utive hous es there. He's a m an with m ore m oney than s ens e. His daughter only s tarted s c hool las t term and already he's been in c om plaining about this , that and the other - that we don't give his Miranda hard enough books to read at hom e and that we s pend too m uc h tim e on art, poetry and m us ic , whic h he c ons iders largely a was te of tim e. A nd he is always at great pains to tell m e how one of the direc tors of his c om pany is a c ounc illor on the E duc ation Com m ittee and that he agrees with his views .' 'T hat would be Counc illor P eters on, would it not?' I as ked. 'It would indeed,' replied Mis s Drayton. 'It was Counc illor P eters on who brought the m atter to the attention of the Chief E duc ation Offic er.' 'W as it indeed?' s aid Mis s Drayton, bris tling. 'A nd is n't Counc illor P eters on's wife a teac her?' 'Y es , s he's the headteac her at Highc ops e County P rim ary S c hool,' I s aid. 'W ell, Counc illor P eters on ought to know better then, agreeing with this m an,' s aid Mis s Drayton angrily. 'Mr Gas kell's daughter, when s he s tarted, was a frightened little thing and hardly s aid a word - and s tuttered when s he did. Mr Hornc hurc h brought her out of her s hell. He's am us ing, m ild-m annered and, as I have s aid before, highly profes s ional. T he very idea of him us ing bad language is inc onc eivable. I s us pec t that Mr Gas kell took agains t him from the s tart when he tried to get the parents to agree for Miranda to s ee a s peec h therapis t about her im pedim ent. Mrs Gas kell had no objec tion but her hus band res olutely res is ted, s aying that the c hild would grow out of it. His dis c us s ion with Mr Hornc hurc h, I'm afraid, got a bit heated.' Mis s Drayton paus ed for breath and s ighed again. 'A nyway, Mr P hinn, I s uppos e you had better have a word with Mr Hornc hurc h and s ort this out. S inc e it is Friday, we don't have an afternoon break but go s traight through until three thirty s o I s ugges t I take both the infants and the juniors while you s peak to him .' 'I would prefer it, Mis s Drayton,' I s aid, 'if you were pres ent. I really feel you need to be there when this interview takes plac e.' 'A s a witnes s to what is s aid?' s he as ked. 'I think it would be wis e. Obvious ly, I don't wis h to s pend the whole of the afternoon in Mr Hornc hurc h's c las s . P erhaps I c ould join you and the infants for the firs t part of the afternoon, obs erve Mr Hornc hurc h for the rem ainder and then s peak to you both after s c hool.' 'V ery well,' s he agreed. 'P erhaps it would be better if I were pres ent.' S he looked extrem ely angry. 'I s hould have thought, Mr P hinn, that you have far m ore im portant things to do than was te your tim e looking into s om e ridic ulous allegation.' 'I am c ertain it's a s torm in a teac up,' I reas s ured her, 'but I am s ure that you unders tand that I do have to inves tigate it.' 'V ery well then,' s he s aid, 'we will leave it until after s c hool when we will get to the bottom of this . In fac t, Mr Gas kell us ually c ollec ts Miranda on Fridays s o we c an hear about this c om plaint s traight from the hors e's m outh. I c annot for the life of m e unders tand why he never m entioned the m atter to m e, going to County Hall ins tead.' Mis s Drayton was c learly furious and I c ould jus t im agine what her reac tion would be when s he learned from m e later that T arnc liffe S c hool m ight very well be on the front page in the Fettles ham Gaz ette the following week. W hen I entered the infants ' c las s , m y m ind was on the forthc om ing - and what I gues s ed would prove to be c ontentious - m eeting that would take plac e at the end of the s c hool day. W hile Mis s Drayton s ettled the c hildren down, I wandered around the room looking at the c olourful dis plays on the walls and the range of books in the s m all bookc as e. I c ould hear Mr Hornc hurc h quite c learly behind the partition dividing the room , explaining to his c las s what they were to do that afternoon. T he headteac her's c laim that s he c ould hear virtually everything that was s aid next door was abs olutely right. Mis s Drayton approac hed and gave m e a s elec tion of the c hildren's workbooks to look at while s he m arked the regis ter. 'Y ou m ight c are to brows e through thes e, Mr P hinn,' s he s aid. 'A s you will s ee, c hildren do very well in this s c hool.' I c ould tell s he was m aking a point. I s at in the c orner of the c las s room in the s m all c arpeted reading area adjac ent to the partition to exam ine them , but plac ed them on the neares t c hair and s trained m y ears to eaves drop on the les s on going on next door. Mr Hornc hurc h was telling the c hildren about the effec ts of pollution on the environm ent in a c lear and interes ting m anner. I was s o engros s ed in his ac c ount that I didn't s ee the girl who had appeared at m y s ide. S he tugged at m y s leeve. 'Hello,' s he s aid. 'Hello,' I replied. S he was a s m all c hild with s parkling intelligent eyes and c orks c rew c urls , and was dres s ed in a blue-and-yellow gingham s kirt and a white s hirt as c ris p as a wafer. S he s tared at m e intently. I s m iled. 'Y ou were daydream ing,' s he told m e with all the prec oc ious c onfidenc e of a s ix-year-old. 'I s uppos e I was ,' I s aid. 'W ho are you?' s he as ked. 'Mr P hinn,' I ans wered. 'I'm Rhiannon.' 'A re you?' 'It's a W els h nam e.' 'Y es , I know.' 'Can you s peak W els h?' 'No, I c an't.' 'My m um m y and daddy c an and I know s om e words .' 'Really.' 'Y es , big words . I know a lot of four-letter words .' 'Do you really?' I m us t have s ounded very im pres s ed. 'A nd s om e five-letter ones too. Cw tc h - that m eans c uddle,' explained the c hild. 'I have a c w tc h every night when I have m y s tory. W e'll be having a s tory this afternoon, after we've finis hed our poem s .' 'A nd what are your poem s about?' I as ked. 'W e're writing poem s about exc us es .' 'A re you?' My m ind im m ediately thought of the exc us es I m ight give to Mis s de la Mare about m y m is handling of the s ituation at Ugglem atters by and what Mr Hornc hurc h m ight proper if, indeed, he had us ed s om e inappropriate language. 'Y es ,' s aid the c hild. 'A nd what is your poem c alled?' 'It's c alled, "E xc us es , E xc us es ! "' s he told m e. 'W e have to think of lots of reas ons for c om ing late to s c hool.' 'Like, the dog ate m y hom ework,' I s aid. 'I don't have a dog,' s he s aid pertly, 'and we don't have hom ework. W e will when we go in the juniors but we don't have hom ework in the infants .' 'I s ee. A nd what exc us es have you thought of s o far?' I as ked. 'T he alarm c loc k didn't go off,' the c hild told m e, 'the c ar wouldn't s tart, I forgot m y P E kit and had to go bac k hom e to get it, and Mum m y thought it was a S aturday s o didn't bring m e to s c hool.' 'T hos e are very good exc us es ,' I told her. 'I've got another one, too,' s he s aid. 'A really good one bec aus e it really happened when I c am e to s c hool late onc e,' the c hild inform ed m e, nodding her little head. 'A nd what's that?' I as ked. 'Our elec tric gates wouldn't open,' s he told m e. W ith that, s he took off, s at at her table, took out her book and penc il from her bag and got on with her poem . I have had s o m any c onvers ations like this with young c hildren and have s o often been brought out of a blac k m ood by their innoc ent and intriguing c hatter. S m all c hildren are a delight. E verything in the world to them is new and exc iting. T hey are fas c inated by people, and are wonderfully s elf-as s ured and forthc om ing in their talk. It's not like that with older c hildren and adults . W ith age, one tends to bec om e far m ore s elf-c ons c ious and retic ent, perhaps m ore s us pic ious of others . One only has to travel in a lift with a group of adults : they s tare at the c eiling, exam ine their s hoes , lookfixedly over your s houlder, anywhere as long as their eyes don't m eet yours . If a c hild is in the lift, it is a different m atter. He or s he will s tare intently at you, taking everything in, and then very often m ake a c om m ent s uc h as : 'I have m y Mic key Mous e knic kers on', or 'I'm going to the pet departm ent, where're y ou going?' Rhiannon, like all young c hildren, had no problem c onfronting adults , as king unc om prom is ingly forthright ques tions whils t s taring them s traight in the eye. W hat is als o endearing about s m all c hildren is that they have no c onc eption of rac e, bac kground, s tatus , religion and c las s ; s m ile at a little one and the s m ile is always returned. T hey are c onfident and not afraid of as king ques tions of adults , or of m aking blunt obs ervations that s om etim es c aus e their parents to redden with em barras s m ent: 'Is that fat lady going to have a baby?' 'Grandm a, who will fetc h the fis h and c hips when you're dead?' 'My daddy s ays Granny is well pas t her s ell-by date.' S uc h things are s aid without any m alic e; they are jus t the innoc ent obs ervations of the very young. I rec alled a Dales s heep farm er onc e telling m e about his four-year-old s on who went with him to the hos pital in S kip-ton to s ee his new baby s is ter. In the m aternity ward, the c hild was far m ore interes ted in the s m iling blac kwom an in the next bed than he was in his baby s ibling. He had obvious ly never s een a blac k pers on before and was fas c inated. T he little boy c ouldn't take his eyes off her. 'S top s taring, J ohn,' his father s aid in a hus hed voic e, 'it's very rude to s tare.' T he c hild c ontinued to s tare, his eyes , as we s ay in Y orks hire, 'as wide as c hapel hat pegs '. T he wom an s m iled and wiggled her fingers at him but he c ontinued to s tare. E ventually s he got out of bed, put on an attrac tive white dres s ing gown and s now-white fluffy s lippers and left the ward to feed her own baby, who was in the adjoining room . A s s he headed for the door, the c hild pointed after her and announc ed loudly to his father, 'S uffolk! ' at whic h his father c ould not c ontain his laughter. T he S ufflks heep, as he explained to m e later, are a very dis tinc tive breed: long white woolly bodies and blac k wool-free fac e and legs . I was brought out of m y reverie by Mis s Drayton. 'Mr P hinn?' s he s aid. 'Y es ?' 'I was wondering if you m ight like to tell the c hildren a s tory. W e always have s torytim e at this point in the day and I thought, s inc e you are here, it would be nic e to m ake us e of you. S om e of the c hildren rarely hear a m an telling a s tory.' 'Of c ours e,' I s aid. I hadn't expec ted to take part in the les s on but was happy to ac quies c e. 'I was about to s tart the traditional tale of The Three B illy Goats Gruff,' s he s aid, handing m e a book open at the s tart of the s tory. 'W hile you are telling them the s tory, I'll take the opportunity of m aking a phone c all.' S he lowered her voic e. 'I think it m ight be prudent for m e to have a word with s om eone in m y profes s ional as s oc iation and s eek s om e advic e on the s ituation. It m ay appear to be a s torm in a teac up to you, Mr P hinn, but in m y experienc e, thes e things tend to have a habit of developing into hot potatoes . If ac c us ations are being m ade, Mr Hornc hurc h m ight need to have his union repres entative pres ent.' 'I really don't think, Mis s Drayton -' I began. 'I am s ure you'll be all right with the c las s by yours elf, won't you?' enquired the headteac her, giving m e little c hanc e of arguing with her. S he c lapped her hands loudly to gain the c hildren's attention. 'W e are very luc ky, c hildren,' s he announc ed, 'to have Mr P hinn, a very s pec ial vis itor, with us this afternoon and he has as ked if he m ight tell today's s tory. He's really good at telling s tories and I know' - at this point s he s tared intently at a s m all boy with a s hoc k of ginger hair and his two front teeth m is s ing - 'that we will all be on our very bes t behaviour, won't we?' 'Y es , Mis s Drayton,' c hanted the c las s obediently. 'A nd you will be very good, won't you, J ac k?' warned the headteac her, c ontinuing to give the boy with the ginger hair and the m is s ing teeth a long and knowing look. 'Y es , Mis s Drayton,' the boy s houted. W ithout any bidding, the c hildren gathered around m e on the c arpet in the reading area, and s at with c ros s ed legs and folded arm s , their fac es s taring up at m e expec tantly. Mis s Drayton quietly left the room . A nyone who thinks that handling a group of twenty infant c hildren, all of whom have their own little pers onalities , is an eas y job, s hould have a go. It dem ands a great deal of s kill, expertis e and patienc e, as I was s oon to dis c over. 'Good afternoon, c hildren,' I s aid c heerfully. 'Good afternoon, Mr T hin,' they all c horus ed. 'Good afternoon, everybody.' 'Is that your real nam e?' as ked ginger-haired J ac k. He had a s m all green c andle of m uc us appearing from his nos e. He s niffed it away nois ily but it re-em erged im m ediately. 'B ec aus e you're not very thin, are you?' 'It's Mr P hinn,' I s aid. 'Like on the bac k of a s hark.' 'I like s harks ,' s aid the boy. 'I don't,' s aid a tiny, elfin-fac ed c hild with long blac k plaits and im pres s ive pink-fram ed glas s es . 'I'm frightened of s harks .' 'I'm frightened of s piders ,' s aid another. 'I'm frightened of s nakes ,' added a third. 'W ell, this s tory is n't about s harks , s piders or s nakes ,' I told the c las s , s m iling. 'It's about three goats .'

'I don't like goats ,' s aid the girl. 'T hes e are very nic e goats ,' I reas s ured her. 'T hey're c alled the B illy Goats Gruff.' 'T hey don't s ound like nic e goats ,' s aid the girl. 'Goats have horns ,' volunteered Rhiannon. 'Y es , that's c orrec t,' I s aid. 'A nd they butt,' s he added. J ac k im m ediately began to butt the girl next to him . 'Don't do that,' I s aid. 'It's not very nic e to butt other people, is it?' T he boy pulled a fac e but s topped. 'S o, c hildren,' I s aid, c ontinuing, 'this is a fam ous s tory c alled The Three B illy Goats Gruff .' 'I've heard it before,' announc ed J ac k, s niffing loudly. I knew from experienc e that I would have to keep a c los e eye on this little c harac ter. 'A nd what's your nam e?' I as ked. 'J am es Oliver J onathan Orm erod,' he replied. 'My granddad c alls m e J o-J o but m y dad c alls m e J ac k.' 'W ell, J ac k,' I s aid pleas antly, 'you're going to hear the s tory again.' 'B ut I know what happens ,' he replied. 'S o do I,' s aid another. 'A nd I do,' added a third. 'W ell, it's always good to hear a s tory again,' I told them . 'W hy?' as ked Rhiannon. 'W ell, bec aus e it is ,' I replied feebly. 'A nd you haven't heard me tell it, have you?' 'My grandpa's read it to m e,' s aid Rhiannon. 'He's got the book with pic tures in it and he's really good at reading s tories .' 'Have you got the book with pic tures in it?' as ked the c hild who was afraid of s harks . 'No, I haven't,' I replied, wondering jus t what I had let m ys elf in for. 'A nd he pulls fac es and m akes nois es as well,' added Rhiannon. 'Does he?' 'A re you going to pull fac es and m ake nois es ?' as ked J ac k. 'No, I'm not,' I s aid s harply. 'Now, let us all s it up nic e and s traight, c hildren, ready to lis ten, otherwis e we won't hear the s tory.' 'I know what happens ,' s aid J ac k, turning to fac e the res t of the c las s . Undeterred, I began. 'Onc e upon a tim e there were three B illy Goats Gruff. T here was the father, B ig B illy Goat Gruff; the m other, Medium -S ized B illy Goat Gruff; and -' 'Little B illy Goat Gruff,' c ut in J ac k. 'Little goats are c alled kids ,' added Rhiannon. 'A nd Little B illy Goat Gruff,' I repeated, fixing J ac k with an eagle eye. 'T hey lived in a valley in the c old c old winter to keep warm , but when s pring c am e they c lim bed up to the ric h green m eadow on the hills ide -' 'A nd c ros s ed a bridge,' interrupted J ac k, before wiping his nos e on the s leeve of his jers ey. 'T hey have to c ros s a bridge.' 'W e've not got to the bridge yet,' I told him , and c ontinued. 'T hey c lim bed up to the m eadow on the hills ide to eat the fres h green gras s that grew there. E ac h m orning, when the s un s hone high in the s ky, they would run ac ros s the fields and, as J ac k has already told us all, they would c ros s the ric kety-rac kety old wooden bridge that s panned the river.' 'I wouldn't like to go over a ric kety-rac kety old wooden bridge,' s aid the c hild who was afraid of s harks . 'It s ounds dangerous .' 'W ell, the B illy Goats Gruff were very c areful when they went over the bridge,' I told her. 'A nd there's this troll under it,' s aid J ac k, pulling a grues om e fac e and growling. 'Grrr! Grrr! ' 'Y es , I know there is ,' I s aid, 'and we haven't got to the troll yet. Now, be a good boy, J ac k, and lis ten to the s tory. Y ou're s poiling it for everyone els e.' I proc eeded. 'E very day, the billy goats liked to c ros s the ric kety-rac kety old wooden bridge whic h went over the river, to get to the fres h green gras s on the other s ide.' 'Y ou've told us that,' s aid Rhiannon. 'Now, in the darknes s under the bridge there lived a m ean and ugly troll, with eyes as big as s auc ers , ears as s harp as knives and a nos e as long as a poker.' 'He c an't help being like that,' announc ed Rhiannon. 'No, I don't s uppos e he c ould,' I s aid. 'My grandpa s ays that people c an't help the way they look.' 'Oh dear,' I s ighed. 'Now this troll -' 'I told you there was the troll,' m um bled J ac k. 'T his troll,' I c ontinued quic kly, 'was very bad-tem pered and unfriendly.' 'Like m y granny,' s aid the c hild frightened of s piders . 'S he's very bad-tem pered and unfriendly.' I m oved on hurriedly. 'T he troll was always hungry and s lept for m os t of the tim e.' 'Like m y granny,' s aid the c hild. 'S he's always hungry and s leeps for m os t of the tim e.' I s ighed, and c ontinued: 'A nd the ugly troll waited under the bridge for c reatures to c ros s , and then he gobbled them up.' 'W ith great s harp teeth and c laws ,' added J ac k. 'T hat's right,' I s aid, 'and -' 'I know what I'd do if an ugly troll with s harp teeth and c laws jum ped out on m e,' s aid J ac k. 'A nd what would you do, J ac k?' I as ked wearily. 'I'd s hit m ys elf ! ' 'P erhaps we ought to have another s tory,' I s ugges ted, reac hing over to the bookc as e.

9 Mr Hornc hurc h greeted m e enthus ias tic ally when I entered his c las s room later that afternoon, s haking m y hand vigorous ly and telling the c hildren what a pleas ure it was to have s uc h a dis tinguis hed vis itor in their m ids t. I feared that this warm welc om e was going to m ake m y m eeting with him later in the afternoon all the m ore diffic ult. A t firs t glanc e, the teac her s eem ed to have followed the rec om m endations in m y las t report s inc e his c las s room was now a whole lot tidier. On m y firs t vis it, the m as s of c lutter and c olour that I had walked into would have been the perfec t s et for a film vers ion of The Old Curios ity S hop. Huge pos ters , bookjac kets and long lis ts of diffic ult and awkward words had c overed every wall, revolving m obiles had hung from the c eiling, boxes of every c onc eivable s hape and s ize had been s tac ked in a c orner along with piles of books and a bas ket of footballs and c ric ket equipm ent. On two large tres tle tables there had been old tins and s trangely-s haped bottles , bleac hed s kulls and old bird feathers , s hards of pottery and c lay m odels . Now it looked m ore like the c onventional c las s room , far better organis ed and neater but, I gues s ed for the c hildren, a great deal les s interes ting. Mr Hornc hurc h's appearanc e had undergone a c hange, too. He was now dres s ed m ore c ons ervatively in a pair of baggy blue c orduroy trous ers , s hapeles s tweed jac ket, white s hirt, and a loud kipper tie. However, he s till had the wild and woolly head of m ous y hair s urrounding his long pale fac e. Having wis hed m e good afternoon, the junior c las s res um ed their ac tivities . One group of c hildren was gathered round the teac her as he c onduc ted an experim ent involving a tankof water and various objec ts . T hey were predic ting whether various objec ts would s ink or float, and I lis tened for a while to a fas c inating and im pres s ive dis c us s ion. It was explained to m e by one of the pupils that the c las s was to vis it the S c ienc e Mus eum in London the following weekend, and they were undertaking s om e preparatory work. A nother group was bus y writing a play the c las s would perform at the end of term , while a third group was writing s tories . T he c las s room was a hive of c reative ac tivity and not onc e did the teac her have to tell any c hild to get on with his or her work. 'May I look?' I as ked a blond-haired boy with large ears who was poring over an exerc is e book. 'S ure,' he replied, s liding the book ac ros s the des k. I s at next to him and exam ined his work. He watc hed m e for a m om ent before telling m e, 'I'm writing a news paper artic le about the effec ts of pollution on the m arine environm ent. W e went on a trip with Mr Hornc hurc h to an aquarium las t S aturday and we learnt all about oil tanker leaks and the rubbis h that gets dum ped in the oc eans of the world, s o I've got lots of fac ts and figures .' It was an exc ellent piec e of work - c lear, well s truc tured and neatly written. I glanc ed though his exerc is e book and was s truc k by the quality of the other piec es of writing. His work was unus ually ac c urate and well pres ented for one s o young. 'Y ou're a fine writer,' I told the boy. 'T hanks ,' he s aid. 'I want to be a journalis t like m y m um when I leave s c hool.' 'A nd you s eem to be a very good s peller,' I s aid. 'How old are you?' 'E leven,' he replied. 'I don't think I've ever m et an eleven-year-old as good at s pelling as you.' T he boy s m iled broadly. 'Cheers , m ate! ' he s aid, nudging m y arm with his elbow. 'Is everyone in the c las s as good as you?' I as ked. 'Mos tly,' he told m e. 'Y ou s ee, we do quite a bit on s pellings with Mr Hornc hurc h.' 'A nd what do you do to bec om e s o good?' I as ked. 'W ell,' replied the boy, 'we do rules for a s tart.' 'S uc h as ?' 'T here's "i" before "e" exc ept after "c ". Of c ours e, it does n't always work. Mr Hornc hurc h s ays that where there's a rule, there's generally an exc eption.' 'He's right there,' I agreed. 'A t s c hool I learnt the little poem : It is "i" before "e";, E xc ept after "c ", Or when it is "eigh", A s in "neighbour" and "weigh".' 'T hat rule works with m e,' the boy c ontinued, 'bec aus e I'm c alled K ieran but it does n't work with m y m um , s he's c alled S heila, and it does n't work with m y dad, he's c alled K eith. T hey're what's c alled 'irregulars '. W e lis t any irregulars in our s pelling book.' T he boy reac hed into the drawer beneath his table and produc ed a notebook. On eac h page was a different s pelling rule neatly written out in large blac k letters . 'S o you s ee,' he explained, 'under the irregulars for this rule we have: "weigh" and "weight", "freight" and "height", "heir", "heifer", "beige", "feign", "weir" and loads of others . Mr Hornc hurc h s ays the E nglis h s pelling s ys tem is really c onfus ing, s pec ially to thos e trying to learn the language. He s ays that foreigners have to learn the language three tim es : firs t its m eaning, then how to pronounc e it and then how to s pell it.' 'I s ee,' I s aid, extrem ely im pres s ed. I thought at that m om ent of Mrs S idebottom and tried to im agine the fun foreigners would have attem pting to pronounc e her nam e. 'W hen Mr Hornc hurc h was at univers ity, he s tudied languages and taught foreign s tudents over the s um m er holidays . He us ed to as k eac h of them to read a s entenc e at the end of the c ours e. Hold on a m inute, I've got it written down in m y jotter.' T he boy reac hed into the drawer again and produc ed another book. 'T his is the s entenc e: "A rough-c oated, dough-fac ed, tough-looking thoughtful ploughm an s trode through the s treets of S c arborough, and after falling into a s lough by the s ide of a lough, he c oughed and hic c oughed and went on his way."' 'T hat's very good,' I s aid, c huc kling. 'Mr Hornc hurc h s aid that if the s tudents c ould pronounc e all the words c orrec tly at the end of the c ours e, they had jus t about m as tered the E nglis h language and they had been taught well.' 'Y ou don't s eem to have a problem with the E nglis h language, K ieran,' I told the boy, 'and Mr Hornc hurc h appears to have taught you very well indeed.' 'He's a good teac her is Mr Hornc hurc h. He m akes the les s ons interes ting, and likes a laugh - but he s om etim es c om es out with things .' 'Does he?' I s aid, m y thoughts returning fas t to the princ ipal reas on for m y vis it to the s c hool. I wondered jus t what the 'things ' were that the teac her c am e out with. 'He us es unus ual words and expres s ions . He s ays , 'E nglis h is a real c an of worm s , as s lippery as a s nake in olive oil, like walking blindfolded through a m inefield.' He's full of expres s ions like that.' 'W ell, you s eem to be pretty knowledgeable about the E nglis h language,' I told him and I m eant it. 'Look at this word for exam ple,' s aid the boy, pic king up a penc il and a s c rap of paper and s c ribbling s om ething. 'Look at that word - "GHOT I". How would you pronounc e that, then?' I had c om e ac ros s George B ernard S haw's c apric ious s pelling before. I often us ed this word on m y E nglis h c ours es to dem ons trate what I grandly c alled 'the orthographic irregularities ' in the E nglis h language. However, I dec ided with young K ieran to play dum b. 'I've never heard of it,' I s aid, 'but I s uppos e I would s ay "goaty".' 'It s ays "fis h",' the boy inform ed m e. 'Y ou have "gh" as in "laugh", "o" as in "wom en" and "ti" as in "s tation". Mr Horn-c hurc h s aid he was s hown this by a fam ous writer c alled George B ernard S haw - probably a friend of Mr Hornc hurc h's .' 'W ell, I don't think your teac her has ac tually m et George B ernard S haw,' I s aid, 'but I do know that that partic ular writer was very keen on m aking s pelling eas ier for people.' 'B ut we don't jus t do rules ,' the boy c ontinued. 'W e learn what Mr Hornc hurc h c alls "little wrinkles ".' 'Go on,' I s aid, intrigued. 'S ay if you want to learn a partic ular word like "nec es s ary". W e learn a "little wrinkle" - "one c offee and two s ugars " - then you rem em ber it has one letter "c " and two letter "s "s . "A c c om m odation" is another diffic ult word - "two c ottages and two m ans ions " - and you rem em ber the two "c "s and two "m "s .' 'T hat's very good,' I s aid, laughing. 'Mr Hornc hurc h's got loads of "little wrinkles " and we als o work out our own.' 'I m us t try m ys elf,' I told him . 'T hen we do m nem onic s ,' s aid the boy. '"Ric hard Of Y ork Gave B attle In V ain",' I s aid. 'P ardon?' 'T hat's a m nem onic ,' I told him , 'to help rem em ber the c olours of the rainbow in s equenc e: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet. If you want to learn the order of the planets you learn: "My V ery E as y Method J us t S peeds Up Nam ing P lanets " for Merc ury, V enus , E arth, Mars , J upiter, S aturn, Uranus , Neptune and P luto.' 'It's good that,' s aid the boy. 'I'm going to write that down in m y jotter. Mr Hornc hurc h s ays that if we c om e ac ros s s om ething interes ting, or an unus ual word or phras e or an old expres s ion, we s hould write it down bec aus e it m ay c om e in us eful later on when we are doing our writing.' 'T hat's a very s ens ible idea,' I s aid, and watc hed the boy begin to write the two m nem onic s I had given him . 'W ell, thank you for talking to m e, K ieran,' I s aid, s tanding and getting ready to s ee what the other c hildren in the c las s were doing. 'Don't go yet,' he pleaded. 'I've not explained what m nem onic s we us e to help us rem em ber how to s pell diffic ult words .' 'V ery well,' I s aid, s itting down again. 'A s I was telling you, we work out m nem onic s for diffic ult words . Take "bec aus e" - "big elephants c an always unders tand s m all elephants "; "rhythm " - "rejoic e heartily, your teac her has m eas les ". T hen there's "em barras s " - "every m other's boy ac ts rather rudely after s om e s aus ages ". You c an work out a m nem onic for any diffic ult s pelling.' A s the boy s poke I was rem inded of the word that was alm os t c ons is tently m is s pelt in letters I rec eived from parents when I was a teac her. T he word was 'diarrhoea'. One very inventive parent wrote to m e s aying that, 'Debbie is off with dire rear', another that his s on was abs ent with 'diahr, dihia, diahrh,' with all three attem pts c ros s ed out and then the phras e, 'the s hits ' written after it. 'S ee if you c an work out a m nem onic for "diarrhoea". Do you know how to s pell that?' T he boy s hook his blond head. 'Look the word up in the dic tionary, and then s ee if you c an think of a s entenc e to help you rem em ber how to s pell it.' 'I'll have a go,' he s aid and off he went to find a dic tionary. I turned m y attention now to two girls working together on the next table, whic h was c overed with broc hures and booklets . 'Onc e you get K ieran s tarted,' the firs t girl told m e c onfidentially, 'you c an't s hut him up. Mr Hornc hurc h s ays he talks like a Gatling gun, whatever one of thos e is .' 'May I as k what you're doing?' 'Me and Miranda - I'm Rowena, by the way -' s aid the girl, 'are writing a guide for the aquarium of the future. W e all vis ited the aquarium las t S aturday and -' 'I d-didn't,' interrupted her partner, a m ous y little girl with large glas s es . 'W ell, no, Miranda, you didn't go but the res t of the c las s did,' c ontinued Rowena. 'My f-father wouldn't l-let m e g-go,' s tuttered Miranda, 'H-he s aid I had to s -s tay at h-hom e to p-prac tis e m y p-piano. He d-does n't believe in s -s c hool trips . He s -s ays they're a was te of t-tim e.' 'W ell, perhaps he'll take you to the aquarium him s elf one day,' I s aid. 'N-no, he w-won't. He's always too b-bus y,' s aid the c hild, firm ly. Undoubtedly, this diffident girl with the pronounc ed s tutter, large s ad eyes and s m all pinc hed fac e was the c hild who had innoc ently been the c aus e of all the ups et. 'A nyhow,' s aid Rowena, 'we vis ited this brilliant aquarium and we had a talk from this wom an fis h expert - s he's c alled a pis c atologis t or s om ething - who s ays there are hundreds of s pec ies of fis h no one ever s ees bec aus e they are s o deep down in the oc ean where no divers c an go.' 'W hy c an't the deep-s ea divers s ee them ?' I as ked. V ery often ins pec tors as kps eudo-ques tions . T hey know the ans wers and are m erely tes ting to s ee if the c hildren know. I always found it refres hing to as k a real ques tion. 'B ec aus e the water pres s ure is too great right at the bottom of the s ea,' the c hild told m e. 'B ut Mr Hornc hurc h s ays eventually we will be able to s ee them when s c ientis ts have invented s pec ial breathing apparatus .' 'I s ee.' 'Mr Hornc hurc h s ays the deep oc ean is the greates t frontier of dis c overy.' 'S o what have you written s o far?' I as ked. T he girl s huffed through the papers . 'T his is our s ec ond draft. W e've jus t got it bac k from Mr Hornc hurc h with ideas on how we c an im prove it.' 'W ould you like to read it to m e?' I as ked. Rowena gave a dry little c ough. 'Hem -hem .' T hen s he read. '"E leven thous and fathom s down in a dark, dark world where m an has never been, there are s orts of alien life form s . T here are s nails , m ollus c s , oc topus es , s quids , eels and c rus tac eans ."' S he s topped and giggled. 'I didn't know what the las t word was or how to s pell it s o I wrote "c rus hed A s ians ". Mr Horn-c hurc h s aid it was a very good attem pt.' S he read on. '"T here's a big variety of very s trange fis h at the bottom of the deep blac k s ea. T here's gaper eels with big eyes at the front of their heads , vam pire s quids with flappy ears like Dum bo and white jaws and blood red eyes , there's angler fis h, headlight fis h, s ea s tars and dragon fis h whic h light up their prey before gobbling them up."' 'It s ounds a very interes ting and unus ual world,' I s aid, turning to the other girl. 'A nd s -s c ary,' added Miranda. 'Y es , it does s ound a bit frightening,' I agreed. 'A nd how are you getting on at s c hool then, Miranda?' S he nodded. 'I l-like it here. It's m uc h b-better than m y l-las t s c hool.' 'Good,' I s aid, but before I c ould ques tion her further, K ieran was at m y s ide. 'Diarrhoea! ' he announc ed loudly and s pelt out the word s lowly and deliberately: 'D-I-A -R-R-H-O-E -A .' T hen he rec ited his very inventive m nem onic : '"Died in a Rolls Royc e having over-eaten again".' 'V ery good,' I s aid, c lapping m y hands . 'T here's m ore,' he s aid. '"Did I ac tually really run hom e on energy alone?"' 'E xc ellent! ' I s aid. 'T here's m ore,' he s aid. 'T hat's fine,' I s aid, holding up a hand, 'I think that's quite enough of m nem onic s for one day, K ieran.' 'No, no, this is the bes t,' he told m e with a c heeky grin on his fac e. '"Das h in a real rus h, help or exploding ars e! "' B iting m y bottom lip to s tifle m y laughter, I s ugges ted that perhaps he m ight like to tweak the ending a little bit, s o it bec am e: '"Das h in a real rus h, help or els e ac c ident".' Miranda, who had been privy to this lively exc hange, turned her little fac e in m y direc tion and s c rewed up her nos e. P erhaps another word would be added to her father's lis t when s he got hom e that afternoon. T owards the end of the les s on, m y thoughts inevitably returned to the dreaded m eeting that would take plac e after s c hool but they were interrupted by K ieran who had s een m e glanc ing at m y watc h and getting ready to depart. 'Mr Hornc hurc h,' he s houted out, 'c an we give Mr P hinn the s pelling tes t?' 'I don't think s o, K ieran,' replied Mr Hornc hurc h. 'I think Mr P hinn needs to be away. He's probably got an im portant m eeting to attend.' If only he knew, I thought. 'Oh, go on, s ir,' pleaded the boy. 'It's only a bit of fun and Mr P hinn's really interes ted in s pelling, aren't you, Mr P hinn?' I c ould s ee the pit opening before m e, ready for m e to fall in headlong. I c ould jus t im agine the s ort of c redibility I would have in s c hools as the s c hool ins pec tor for E nglis h who c ouldn't s pell. 'W ell, er, I am , er, but...' I s tum bled. 'P erhaps another tim e,' s aid the teac her, kindly c om ing to m y as s is tanc e. B ut the boy c ontinued obs tinately. 'Y ou don't m ind, do you, Mr P hinn?' he as ked. 'W ell,' I s aid c harily, 'what s ort of tes t is it?' 'Y ou had better explain, K ieran,' s aid the teac her. 'Mr Hornc hurc h s ays people get really angry when it c om es to s pelling and they get on their high hors es . S pelling's im portant but not as im portant as what you are trying to s ay.' 'Com e along, K ieran,' prom pted the teac her, 'Mr P hinn's got to be away s oon.' T he boy c ontinued. 'A nd a lot of really brainy people have problem s with their s pelling and this fam ous P rim e Minis ter - er, I c an't rem em ber his nam e.' 'Lord P alm ers ton,' prom pted Mr Hornc hurc h. 'He was a bit of a s tic kler for c orrec t s pelling.' 'Y es , him . W ell, he was s ic k and tired of all his - what do you c all them , s ir?' 'T he m em bers of his Cabinet, his eleven m inis ters ,' s aid the teac her. 'Y es , them . W ell, he was s o s ic k and tired of all his m inis ters s ending him letters full of s pelling m is takes that he gave them all a tes t.' Oh dear, I thought to m ys elf, this is going to be tric ky. Mr Hornc hurc h c learly s aw the expres s ion of anxiety whic h had c om e over m y fac e but rather than revel in m y dis c om fiture, as s om e teac hers m ight have done with a s c hool ins pec tor in their m ids t, he very generous ly helped m e out. 'Don't be bullied by K ieran, Mr P hinn,' he s aid. 'I know you're in a hurry to be away.' 'A nd none of Lord P alm ers ton's Cabinet m inis ters got all the s pellings right,' piped up Rowena gleefully from the bac k. 'Com e along, then,' I s aid bravely. 'In for a penny, in for a pound.' 'T hat's one of Mr Hornc hurc h's expres s ions ,' K ieran told m e. 'Let's have this tes t of yours ,' I s aid. A s K ieran dic tated the s entenc e from his jotter, I wrote it down s lowly and c learly on the blac kboard in large bloc k c apitals : 'It is dis agreeable to witnes s the em barras s m ent of a haras s ed pedlar gauging the s ym m etry of a peeled potato.' T here was a loud c heer from the c hildren. Muc h to m y relief, I had s pelt every word c orrec tly. I was rather elated as I left the c las s room that afternoon c lutc hing a s m all tin badge that had been pres ented to m e and whic h s aid to the world: 'S T A R S P E LLE R'. T he elation was s hort lived for, s om e m inutes later, after s c hool had broken up, I s tood by the window in the headteac her's s tudy-c um -offic e-c um -s toreroom lis tening as Mis s Drayton explained to Mr Hornc hurc h the real reas on for m y vis it that afternoon. To m y s urpris e, the m an did not look at all c onc erned. He s at with his legs c ros s ed and one hand in a jac ket poc ket, appearing neither angry nor ups et as he lis tened patiently until the headteac her as ked for his c om m ents . He s m iled and s hook his head. 'I as s ure you,' he s aid, 'that I have never us ed any inappropriate language in front of the c hildren, and there m us t be s om e s ort of m is unders tanding.'

A fter ques tioning him in m ore detail, Mis s Drayton s eem ed s atis fied that her c olleague had nothing for whic h to ans wer, and I have to s ay I agreed with her. S he turned in m y direc tion, but then looked pas t m e and out of the window. 'A h, here c om es Mr Gas kell,' s he s aid, ris ing from her c hair. 'Now we will get to the bottom of this m atter.' S he s hot out of the room and into the little lobby, leaving the door open for us to s ee what was going on. 'May I have a word with you, Mr Gas kell?' s he s aid as he headed for the c las s room to c ollec t his daughter. 'I'm in a hurry, Mis s Drayton,' he replied, not s topping. 'I'm late for a m eeting already.' He s ounded an ill-m annered individual. 'It is im portant,' s he s aid s tiffy, 'very im portant. I s hould be grateful if you would s tep into m y room for a m om ent. Miranda has been told to wait in the c las s room until we are finis hed.' 'W ell, you'll have to be quic k,' he s aid, looking at his watc h but retrac ing his s teps . 'A s I s ay, I've got an im portant m eeting.' Mis s Drayton returned to the room , ac c om panied by the parent who was a s tout m an with a florid fac e and prec ious little hair. Mr Hornc hurc h im m ediately got to his feet, but while Mr Gas kell eyed m e s us pic ious ly, he did not ac knowledge the teac her in any way. 'W hat's it about, then?' he as ked brus quely Mis s Drayton s at down on the edge of her c hair behind her des k, as s tiff as a s nooker c ue. 'Do take a s eat, Mr Gas kell,' s he s aid, ges turing to the c hair where Mr Hornc hurc h had been s itting. 'T his will hopefully only take a m om ent.' Her tone of voic e was glac ial. T he parent, however, rem ained s tanding by the door, arm s folded. 'I've not got a m om ent, Mis s Drayton,' he told her irritably. 'I told you that I have a m eeting and I'm running late.' 'T his gentlem an, by the window, Mr Gas kell,' s aid the headteac her, m aintaining her m etic ulous c oldnes s , 'is Mr P hinn, the County Ins pec tor for E nglis h and Dram a.' 'Oh yes ,' s aid the parent, not looking at m e but glanc ing again at a very flas hy gold wris twatc h. 'S o what's this all about?' T he headteac her s tiffened further, her fac e rigid. 'Mr Gas kell,' s he s aid s lowly, 'the s ooner you s it down and lis ten, the s ooner you will know what it's all about, and the quic ker you will be away.' He flopped in the c hair and breathed nois ily. 'W hat is it, then?' 'Mr P hinn has been s ent from the E duc ation Departm ent at County Hall regarding a c om plaint you have m ade, a s erious c om plaint. I believe you have had reas on to c ontac t County Counc illor P eters on about Mr Hornc hurc h,' s he s aid. T he parent c oloured up. 'Y es , I - er - did m ention s om ething to Counc illor P eters on,' he s aid. 'Could I as k why?' as ked the headteac her s harply. 'B ec aus e I was unhappy about Miranda c om ing out with s om e of the words Mr Hornc hurc h had us ed in his les s on.' T he m an puffed him s elf up like a huge turkey. 'A nd m ight I as k why you did not bring this c om plaint to m e,' as ked the headteac her, 'rather than taking it to a c ounty c ounc illor?' 'I've c om plained about things at the s c hool before, Mis s Drayton, as you well know,' s aid the parent defens ively, 'and nothing's been done.' 'Your other c om plaints were c urric ular m atters , Mr Gas kell,' s aid the headteac her, 'c onc erning reading books and hom e-work and how, in your opinion, we s pend too m uc h tim e on what you c all the "fripperies " of art and m us ic . A s I explained to you, I do not s eekto tell you how to build hous es and as ked you not to tell m e how to run a s c hool.' 'Y es , well as a parent -' 'A nd now,' c ontinued Mis s Drayton, ignoring his res pons e, 'you are unhappy about s om ething Mr Hornc hurc h is alleged to have s aid - s om e words . P erhaps you would like to explain.' T he parent bris tled. 'Y es , words ,' he s aid, 'vulgar words , s wear words .' 'W ould you like to tell us what thes e words were that Mr Hornc hurc h has s uppos edly us ed?' s he as ked. 'I don't like repeating them ,' he s aid, s tic king out his c hin. 'A s I s ay, they're rude.' 'Y ou are a m an of the world, Mr Gas kell,' s aid Mis s Drayton, 'and I am s ure that on your building s ite you have heard and, perhaps us ed yours elf, s om e c olourful language.' 'Not in front of c hildren, I haven't! ' he retorted s wiftly. 'Maybe you c ould tell us then what letters thes e words begin with?' 'T here was the "b" word,' he s aid. 'T he "b" word,' m us ed Mis s Drayton, rais ing an eyebrow. S he gave a dry little c ough. 'T here are quite a few of thos e.' 'Look, Mis s Drayton,' he s aid, getting to his feet, 'I've an em ergenc y s ite m eeting going on at the m om ent and people are waiting for m e.' 'A nd the s ooner you s top beating about the bus h and tell m e what words were s uppos edly us ed,' replied the headteac her, 'the s ooner you will be able to attend your s ite m eeting.' 'B alls ! ' s aid the parent. 'I beg your pardon,' s aid Mis s Drayton. 'B alls ! ' repeated the parent, s itting down again. 'T hat's the word he us ed and I'll tell you this , when m y Miranda c am e out with it, I c ouldn't believe m y ears .' 'Is it not pos s ible that your daughter c ould have heard this word from s om eone on your building s ite?' as ked Mis s Drayton. 'No, s he c ouldn't! ' exc laim ed the parent. 'I as ked her where s he had heard it and s he s aid in the c las s room from Mr Horn-c hurc h. I was having m y breakfas t and s he c am e out with it. I nearly c hoked. "It's c old enough to freeze the balls of a bras s m onkey this m orning," s he s aid, and then later s he as ked m e if there'd been a "c oc k-up" when I told her I was c ollec ting her from s c hool and not her m other. T his is not the s ort of thing you expec t your c hild to learn at s c hool and to hear from a teac her.' Mis s Drayton turned to the ac c us ed. 'Mr Hornc hurc h?' 'I did indeed us e thes e expres s ions ,' he adm itted. I s aw the headteac her c los e her eyes m om entarily and take a s hort breath. 'Y ou s ee! ' blus tered the parent. 'He adm its it! ' 'B ut the expres s ions are in no way vulgar, Mr Gas kell,' explained Mr Hornc hurc h, who s till appeared quite unruffed. 'T hey are in m y book! ' the parent s napped. 'W ell, they are not vulgar in the Ox ford E nglis h Dic tionary ,' s aid the teac her, 'whic h is the world authority on the us e of the E nglis h language and where you will find the origins and the m eanings of thes e old expres s ions . If I m ight eluc idate?' 'W hat?' as ked the parent. 'You s ee,' enthus ed Mr Hornc hurc h, c las ping his hands together in front of him , 'we are doing a his tory topic in c las s on A dm iral Lord Nels on and I was explaining to the c hildren that s om e of the expres s ions in c om m on parlanc e today s uc h as "s winging the lead", "s pic k and s pan", "fagged out", to be a "loos e c annon", to be in "at the bitter end" - all thes e date bac k c enturies and often have nautic al origins . For exam ple, I have been quite "taken abac k" by your c om m ents . "Taken abac k" - to be s urpris ed, as tounded - referred originally to a s ailing s hip c aught by a powerful gus t of headwind. I appear to have "fallen foul" of you, Mr Gas kell. T his term too c om es from the language of the s ea where a s hip's rope is a "foul" when it bec om es entangled.' 'I am not here to lis ten to a lec ture about s eas ide expres s ions ,' s aid the parent. 'You s ee, the old expres s ions to whic h you have referred,' c ontinued Mr Hornc hurc h undeterred, 'c ontrary to popular belief, are in no way vulgar. S om ething done badly or ineffic iently is known as a "c oc k-up" and the expres s ion has a long provenanc e. T he "c oc k" is the firing lever of the pis tol, whic h c an be rais ed to releas e the trigger. If the c oc kis up too far, the gun will not fire, henc e the old expres s ion a "c oc k-up". I im agine you were thinking of s om ething els e.' He gave a s m all s m ile. 'A s to "freezing the balls of a bras s m onkey", this is an old and fam iliar naval expres s ion dating bac k to before T rafalgar. I was des c ribing to the c hildren the s c ene at the fam ous battle and what c ould happen if the s ailors were not prepared. T he "m onkey" was a bras s rac k on whic h the c annonballs were s tored. In very c old weather this m onkey c ontrac ted thus ejec ting the balls . T he expres s ion ac tually is "c old enough to freeze the balls off "- and not "of "- "a bras s m onkey".' 'It s ounds very far-fetc hed to m e,' m um bled Mr Gas kell. 'W ould you like to s ee the Ox ford E nglis h Dic tionary ?' as ked the teac her, s tretc hing down to a bookc as e bes ide the head-teac her's des k. 'No, I wouldn't,' s aid the parent aggres s ively. 'You s ee, E nglis h is a ric h and poetic language,' c ontinued Mr Hornc hurc h, 'full of interes ting idiom s and proverbs , age-old adages and m axim s , c olourful expres s ions and pithy s ayings , whic h I think c hildren s hould know about, and always s eem to enjoy. I think if you had lis tened to Miranda s he m ight have explained things .' 'Or taken the tim e to have a word with m e about it,' added the headteac her. 'W ell, I was n't aware that's what thes e expres s ions m eant,' s aid Mr Gas kell, beginning to ris e from his c hair, 'and now I've got this m eeting to go to.' 'Do s it down, Mr Gas kell,' s aid the headteac her like a s c hool m a'am c orrec ting a rec alc itrant pupil, 'I haven't quite finis hed with this m atter yet.' T he plum p m an s at down again. 'It's jus t a bit of a m is unders tanding, that's all,' he s aid. 'Mr Gas kell,' s aid the headteac her quietly and dis tinc tly, but fixing him with a c obra s tare, 'you have m ade a s erious allegation agains t a m em ber of m y s taff, a fals e and m alic ious ac c us ation whic h m ight very well have dam aged his reputation and that of the s c hool. I m ean, a bus y s c hool ins pec tor has been s ent from County Hall to inves tigate, not to c ongratulate m e on the s c hool's exc ellent res ults or the awards we have won, but to inves tigate an uns ubs tantiated ac c us ation.' 'A ll I s aid -' began Mr Gas kell, now c rim s on-fac ed. 'Let m e finis h,' interrupted Mis s Drayton. 'A n uns ubs tantiated ac c us ation that has s tirred up a veritable hornets ' nes t. I am s ure you are aware of the term "s lander" - a fals e and defam atory s poken s tatem ent.' T he parent's fac e drained of c olour. 'You m ade thes e unfounded c laim s before m e, an offic er of the E duc ation A uthority, a c ounty c ounc illor and various other people who have better things to do with their tim e than go on a wild-goos e c has e. Further to that, it appears that you have repeated thes e unfounded allegations in a public hous e and now a news paper artic le is to appear, s o I hope you know the m eaning of the word "libel", too. It s eem s to m e, Mr Gas kell, you are in very hot water indeed.' 'W ell, I was n't to know,' he whined. 'I thought - as m os t people do, I rec kon -that thes e - er -' 'E xpres s ions .' Mr Hornc hurc h c am e to his aid. 'Y es , that thes e expres s ions were rude.' He s quirm ed in the c hair like a large s lug s prinkled with s alt. T he headteac her nodded towards m e. 'T his is Mr P hinn, as I inform ed you, Mr Gas kell, the County Ins pec tor for E nglis h and Dram a. Had you or Counc illor P eters on c ontac ted him , he too c ould have c leared up the m atter, being fully aware of the origins of the expres s ions .' I nodded knowingly, but kept quiet. I had had no idea from where the expres s ions had originated. I too had thought they were rather vulgar phras es . 'Have you anything to add, Mr P hinn?' as ked the headteac her. 'I think Mr Gas kell s hould c ontac t the Fettles ham Gaz ette and explain it was all a m is unders tanding,' I s aid. 'T hat goes without ques tion,' s aid Mis s Drayton, 'and I s hall m os t c ertainly be getting in touc h with the E ditor bec aus e the reputation of the s c hool c ould very well have been tarnis hed by s uc h ac c us ations .' S he turned to her c olleague. 'Have you anything to add, Mr Hornc hurc h?' s he as ked. 'It's jus t a m is unders tanding,' he s aid. 'Let's forget all about it. I've got m ore im portant things to think about at the m om ent. I'm taking the c hildren on a trip to the S c ienc e Mus eum next S aturday and I've s till got lots to do.' Mr Gas kell c ontinued to s tare at the c arpet. 'It would be very nic e if your Miranda c ould c om e after all.' 'I don't know about that,' he replied quietly, without looking up. 'S c hool trips are a very im portant part of the c urric ulum ,' s aid the headteac her. 'Miranda is doing very well, you know,' s aid Mr Horn-c hurc h. T he parent s tood up. 'W ell, I m us t be off.' 'Y es ,' s aid Mis s Drayton, ris ing from her c hair and giving Mr Gas kell a tight little s m ile of dis m is s al. 'I think your daughter is waiting to be taken hom e. I s ugges t we c onc lude this very unfortunate m eeting.' 'Y es ,' s aid Mr Gas kell, heading for the door. 'Good afternoon.' 'B ut before you go, Mr Gas kell,' s aid Mis s Drayton, 'I rather think you have s om ething to s ay to Mr Hornc hurc h.' 'S om ething to s ay?' 'A n apology?' T he m an c oughed nervous ly. 'Y es , well... er... I'm s orry for the... er... trouble, I'm s ure,' he m um bled. 'A nd... er... I'll let you know about Miranda and the trip.' A nd with that, he lum bered from the room . 'One expres s ion from this ric h and poetic language of ours ,' I obs erved, 'whic h c om es to m y m ind is being "taken down a peg or two".' 'A h yes ,' s aid Mr Hornc hurc h. 'Now that's another very interes ting nautic al expres s ion.' It was as if I had wound him up like a c loc kwork toy. 'A t the tim e of Nels on, there was a s tric t hierarc hy at s ea dis played by the pos ition of the s hip's c olours after they had been rais ed. T he greates t honour was c onferred by the flags flown at the m as thead. T o be "taken down a peg or two" was to rec eive a reduc tion in the honour s hown to you. Of c ours e, nowadays , it has c om e to m ean taking the c onc eit from a boas tful pers on, rather like "taking the wind out of one's s ails ". Now there's another expres s ion whic h -' 'I think we have had enough expres s ions for one day, thank you,' s aid Mis s Drayton, laughing. 'W ell,' s he s aid, 'I think that was very generous of you, Mr Hornc hurc h. I don't think I would have been quite s o unders tanding.' Her brow c reas ed a frac tion, 'You w ere quite right about thos e partic ular expres s ions , weren't you?' Mr Hornc hurc h s tretc hed out a hand towards the bookc as e. 'W ould you like m e to get the OE D?' he as ked. 'No, that won't be nec es s ary,' s aid the headteac her. 'Off you go, then, but I do think it m ight be wis e to m odify the range of idiom s that you dis c us s with the c hildren.' Mr Hornc hurc h nodded and then, with a m is c hievous grin on his fac e, m ade a m oc k-naval s alute, and s aid, 'A ye, aye, s ir! ' W ith that, the m os t ec c entric teac her it has been m y pleas ure to m eet s trode for the door, leaving us both laughing.

10 I was at the offic e early on the Monday m orning, eager to report bac k to Mis s de la Mare about 'the s torm in the teac up' at T arnc liffe, and als o determ ined to broac h the ques tion of Ugglem atters by onc e and for all. J ulie was already tapping away nois ily at the typewriter in the adjoining offic e when I arrived and s he s houted down the c orridor: 'Morning, Mr P hinn.' 'How do you know it's m e?' I c alled bac k. J ulie appeared at the door of the ins pec tors ' offic e. 'Mr P ritc hard is running a c ours e this m orning,' s he s aid, 'and Mr Clam p is never in this early at the s tart of the week and Dr Mullarkey is at a m eeting in Y ork. A nyway, Mis s de la Mare has you in her appointm ent book for eight o'c loc k.' 'How do you know that?' I as ked. 'B ec aus e s he rang through jus t before you c am e in,' s he replied, 'and told m e you had an appointm ent with her this m orning. S he as ked m e to tell you s he's running a bit late and s he'll ring when s he's ready for you. S he's likely to be held up bec aus e s he has to s ee venom ous B renda, the blac k widow of County Hall - s om ething to do with the s c hool c los ures .' T here was no love los t between our s ec retary and the Chief E duc ation Offic er's P A . In fac t, there was a m utual dis like bordering on hos tility between the two of them , and a long-running his tory of dis putes and dis agreem ents . A ny m ention of Mrs S avage to J ulie was guaranteed to wind her up. 'It m ight not have been m e c om ing into the offic e,' I s aid. 'It c ould have been the P ers onal A s s is tant from hell c hec king up on us again,' I s aid. 'If it was Mrs S avage,' J ulie retorted, 'I'd have heard her a m ile off. W ith all that jewellery s he wears , s he s ounds like a wind c him e in a gale whenever s he m oves . Mind you, it's m ore diffic ult in the new offic es to be warned of her arrival s inc e s he does n't have to c om e up the two flights of s tairs any m ore. S he was always huffing and puffing by the tim e s he got to the s ec ond floor.' It was true. Mrs S avage did like to adorn hers elf in expens ive and heavy jewellery. It was a wonder that her nec k, hands and wris ts were c apable of s upporting s o m any c hains , rings , nec klac es and brac elets that hung from her like Chris tm as tree baubles . 'S o I have an extra ten m inutes , good,' I s aid. 'W ell, there's plenty of work for you on your des k to be getting on with, and there're s om e c alls to m ake from Friday afternoon.' 'No peac e for the wic ked,' I s aid, looking through the pile of papers on m y des k. 'S o, how's that little s quirrel of yours , then?' s he as ked. 'W ho told you about the s quirrel?' I as ked. 'Mr Clam p, who els e?' S he perc hed hers elf on the end of m y des k and s traightened her s trip of em erald-green s kirt. 'W e were having a laugh about it on Friday when he was in the offic e. He told us about two little boys at one of the s c hools he was vis iting. W hen they s aw a s quirrel outs ide the c las s room window, one of them s aid, "Ooh, look at that s quirrel in the tree. Let's tell m is s ." "S hurrup, Gavin," s aid the other, "s he'll m ake us write about it."' J ulie laughed. 'I get no work done when Mr Clam p is around.' 'W ell, I c an tell you that Chris tine and I aren't laughing at the m om ent. W e keep being woken up in the dead of night by its wretc hed s c ratc hing and s c raping and s c uttling about in the loft. It is driving us m ad. In fac t, I'm expec ting Mr Hinderwell to deliver a s quirrel trap today or tom orrow. K eep an eye out for it, will you?' 'Certainly. I'll put it by your des k when it arrives .' J ulie adopted a pos e of a s quirrel begging, with her hands held up in front of her s ubs tantial c hes t. 'I played a s quirrel onc e in the infant nativity play,' s he s aid. 'I was burning hot in that grey woollen c os tum e under all the s tage lights , and it s m elt revolting, too - of s m elly s oc ks and s weat and toilets . I c ouldn't s ee properly through the eyeholes and kept banging into things . I knoc ked the frankinc ens e off the s tage and tripped over the m anger.' 'I was n't aware that they had s quirrels in the s table at B ethlehem ?' I s aid, s m iling at the thought of the m ayhem . 'T here was in our vers ion. In fac t, there were all s orts of as s orted anim als . I think the c os tum es were left over from when the juniors did The W ind in the W illow s . It was a real laugh, that Nativity. Maureen B roadbent was a m ole and s tole the s how by biting one of the angels . J im m y P arker walked on s tage in a white s heet with c ardboard wings and a halo s houting, "S hift this s en. It's t'A ngel o' Lord 'ere. Move out of t'way! " and then he trod on Maureen's paw - they were really her fingers , of c ours e. S o s he bit him ! ' 'It s ounds great,' I c huc kled, 'a real barrel of laughs .' 'T he bes t part was when we pres ented B aby J es us with His pres ents ,' J ulie told m e. 'A fter the T hree W is e Men had given their gifts , all the anim als gave theirs . W ell, I went on s tage without m ine and Mrs P roc tor, m y teac her, brought the hous e down by s houting out from the wings of the s tage, "S quirrel, get bac k here, you've forgotten your nuts ! " S o why does the bos s want to s ee you s o early on a Monday m orning?' as ked J ulie, s uddenly c hanging the s ubjec t. 'It's about a s c hool with a problem ,' I told her. 'W ell, it was s uppos ed to be a problem but, as it turned out, it was all a fus s about nothing, a s torm in a teac up. I had better things to do with m y tim e las t Friday afternoon I c an tell you than go on a wild-goos e c has e for Counc illor P eters on.' 'Marlene, who works on the s witc hboard, was telling m e about Counc illor P eters on's lates t gaffe. J oyc e, who takes the E duc ation Com m ittee m inutes , was telling her how s he overheard Counc illor P eters on telling another c ounc illor about it. Marlene nearly wet hers elf laughing. Lis ten to this ! T he Minis try of E duc ation and S c ienc e as ked for an elec ted m em ber to repres ent the c ounty at a Regional Rac e Com m ittee m eeting in Y ork. It was all to do with equal opportunities , m ulti-rac ial m atters , m aking s ure that people of different rac es and c ultures are not dis c rim inated agains t.' 'W ell, that's a good idea,' I s aid. 'It's about tim e s om e notic e was taken of that.' 'A nyway,' s he c ontinued, 'who s hould put him s elf forward but Counc illor P eters on.' 'I would have thought he was the very las t pers on to repres ent the A uthority on rac ial awarenes s ,' I s aid, 'but, of c ours e, he does like to have his fat fingers in every pie.' 'Let m e finis h,' s aid J ulie. 'S o off he goes to this Rac e Com m ittee m eeting in York, and c om es bac k and reports that he'd thought it was all about hors e rac ing! He thought he was all s et for a s lap-up m eal and a day at York Rac es . He was dres s ed for the part as well, in his tweeds and trilby hat and with a pair of binoc ulars round his nec k- or s o J oyc e s aid s he'd heard him s ay, and that's what s he told Marlene who told m e.' 'T ypic al of him ,' I s aid. 'A nd s peaking of m eetings , c ould you ring County Hall and s ee if Mis s de la Mare wants to s ee m e yet?' 'W ell, I thought it was very funny,' s aid J ulie, pres um ably s tung bec aus e I hadn't laughed. 'A nd I'm not going to ring County Hall bec aus e, if you rem em ber, I told you s he would ring over when s he's ready for you.' A nd with that, s he tottered bac k to her offic e on her bright green high heels . Oh dear, I realis ed I had now ups et J ulie. I was definitely on edge about the forthc om ing m eeting with the Chief Ins pec tor. A m om ent later, s he popped her head around the door. 'I m eant to s ay, will you pleas e give that double-barrelled wom an with the fanc y nam e a c all before your m eeting? I've left a note with her num ber on your des k. I c ouldn't get her off the line on Friday and I don't want a repeat.' S he then adopted what s he c ons idered a frightfully upper-c las s ac c ent. 'I hev to s peak to Mr P hinn abite s om ething very him portant. It's abs lewtly hes s ential he rings m e, tout de s uite.' T he urgent c all was from Mrs Cleaver-Canning, or s hould I s ay the Honourable Margot Cleaver-Canning. I had m et this im pres s ively large and form idable wom an a c ouple of years before when I had been inveigled by her into s peaking at the Chris tm as dinner of the Totterdale and Clearwell Golf Club when s he was the Lady Captain. P rior to being form ally invited, s he had s um m oned m e to her elegant hous e s o s he c ould vet m e and m ake s ure I would be s uitable. Here I had m et this vis ion with purple-tinted bouffant hair, large grey eyes and s c arlet bow of a m outh, and her long-s uffering hus band, W inc o - W ing Com m ander Norm an Cleaver-Canning (Rtd) DFC. S om e tim e later, the honourable lady had dragooned m e into taking a m inor part in an am ateur produc tion of The S ound of M us ic . P erhaps 'm em orable' is not the right word to des c ribe the las t perform anc e. 'T raum atic ' m ight be m ore fitting. A s the c urtain had fallen, I had been inform ed that Chris tine had been rus hed into hos pital to have our firs t c hild who had dec ided to arrive a bit earlier than expec ted. T here had been no tim e to c hange out of our c os tum es . W inc o, res plendent in a heavily be-m edalled Germ an adm iral's uniform , had driven m e in his Merc edes at breaknec k s peed to Fettles ham Royal Infirm ary with the Mother A bbes s , (Mrs Cleaver-Canning), with an inc h of s tage m ake-up on her fac e, direc ting proc eedings from the pas s enger s eat. I had arrived jus t in tim e to s ee m y s on being born. I m ade the c all. 'Gervas e, how are you?' c am e a loud and high-pitc hed voic e down the line. 'I'm fine, thank you, Mrs Cleaver-Canning,' I replied. 'I do wis h you would c all m e Margot.' 'W ell, I'm fine, thank you, Margot, and how are you?' 'T op notc h. A nd how is that dear little c hild of yours ?' 'He's thriving.' 'Good. A nd your c harm ing wife?' 'S he's very well, too.' 'I am s o glad to hear it,' s he s aid. 'It was quite an experienc e, was n't it, the evening your little boy c am e into the world? A perform anc e to rem em ber.' 'It was indeed,' I replied. 'Now, I am s ure you will have as c ertained that I am not telephoning you m erely to exc hange pleas antries .' 'No, I gues s ed there would be s om ething els e,' I s aid, with a s inking feeling. 'I'll c om e s traight to the point. I am des perate for a m an again.' 'Oh, no, no, Mrs Cleaver-Canning - er, Margot. I really c annot. I'm afraid -' I s tarted. 'Now, before you turn m e down,' s he interrupted, 'pleas e hear m e out. It's a truly wonderful play and everyone is s o exc ited about perform ing it, but the s tic king point is that there are nine parts for m en and we have only s ec ured eight. It's not a big part and you would only m ake a s hort entranc e at the very end, jus t as you did when you gave that barns torm ing perform anc e as the S S lieutenant in The S ound of M us ic . T he way you s trutted on the s tage in the las t ac t and delivered your four words was quite m as terful.' Flatterer, I thought. 'S o pleas e don't turn m e down. T here would be m inim al attendanc e at rehears als and you wouldn't need to be there on the nights of the perform anc e until well into the s ec ond half.' 'I'm up to m y eyes at the m om ent and -' I began again. 'It's c alled The Dame of S ark by W illiam Douglas -Hom e,' Mrs Cleaver-Canning c ontinued blithely. 'A m agnific ently patriotic and poignant piec e s et in one of the Channel Is lands at the tim e of the las t war and the Germ an Oc c upation. I will be playing the lead part of S ybil, the fierc ely determ ined and c ourageous Dam e of S ark, who c om es to res pec t and even like Colonel von S c hm ettau, the Com m ander of the Germ an forc es . W inc o will be playing him .' 'It's jus t that -' 'You would take the part of Colonel Graham who liberates the is land in the las t s c ene. It's a little gem of a part, a m ere eighteen lines , a perfec t c am eo, and you're jus t ideal for it. A s Raym ond, our produc er, s aid, the part c ould have been written for you. It is your metier. W inc o will drop a c opy of the play off and you c an perus e it at your leis ure.' 'T hat's jus t the point, Margot,' I s aid, trying to s ound forc eful. 'I don't s eem to have any leis ure at the m om ent. A s I m entioned, I am up to m y eyes -' 'A ll the m ore need for a hobby outs ide work,' s he interrupted. 'Y ou know what they s ay about all work and no play.' 'Mrs Cleaver-Canning, Margot,' I s aid. T here was a touc h of des peration in m y voic e. 'I really am s o very bus y. T here's work and the baby and the garden and s o m uc h to do in the c ottage.' 'Oh pleas e, Gervas e,' s he s aid in a high pleading voic e. 'P leas e don't dis appoint m e. T he whole produc tion depends upon you.' A nd then s he played her trum p c ard. 'A nd you do owe m e a favour. I m ean, if it hadn't been for W inc o driving you to the hos pital...' I thought for a m om ent. 'T he leas t I c an do is look at the play,' I s aid feebly. 'T hank you s o m uc h,' oozed Mrs Cleaver-Canning, who never ever took No for an ans wer. Of c ours e I knew, and s o did Mrs Cleaver-Canning, that in effec t I had agreed to take the part. I c ouldn't very well look through the play s c ript, build up her hopes and then refus e to do it. W hen I thought about it later, I was quite pleas ed I had agreed. I had enjoyed the badinage at the rehears als , m eeting people outs ide the world of educ ation and talking about things other than s c hools and teac hers . I had als o enjoyed m y few brief m om ents in the s potlight and, to be hones t, taking part hadn't involved a great deal of tim e and effort. A nd, as Mrs C-C had rem inded m e, I did owe her a favour. However, des pite all thes e pos itives , I dec ided to pic k the right m om ent to tell Chris tine. Mis s de la Mare's offic e was on the top c orridor of County Hall. W hen s he had taken up her appointm ent the term before, the Chief Ins pec tor had was ted little tim e in reloc ating to a s pac ious and m odern offic e near to Dr Gore's . I rec all well when s he had firs t s een the offic e previous ly oc c upied by her predec es s or, Harold Y eats - that c luttered and c ram ped room , with its row of ugly olive-green m etal filing c abinets , heavy bookc as es , s quare of threadbare c arpet and Harold's vas t anc ient oak des k. S he had s haken her head and s aid to no one in partic ular, 'T his jus t will not do.' W ithin the m onth s he had m oved. County Hall was an im pos ing building, m agnific ently ornate and s turdy, dom inating the m arket town of Fettles ham and s tanding in extens ive and well-tended form al gardens . T he interior was equally im pres s ive: endles s c orridors , high ornate c eilings , great bras s c handeliers , heavy velvet drapes , and walls full of gilt-fram ed portraits of form er worthies . I always felt rather intim idated when I entered the huge oak doors that led into the great entranc e hall. T he m eeting with the Chief Ins pec tor was not quite the ordeal I had expec ted. I pres ented a full written report on T arnc liffe S c hool and explained to her how the c onfus ion had aris en. 'A nd if the parent in ques tion had taken the trouble to c ontac t the head teac her in the firs t plac e,' I told her, 'ins tead of telephoning one of his c ronies at County Hall, all this c ould have been avoided.' 'Maybe,' Mis s de la Mare s aid, 'but to be fair to the parent, and indeed Counc illor P eters on, the two expres s ions that c aus ed all the c ontention really do s ound rather vulgar. I s houldn't think that m any people - apart from E nglis h s pec ialis ts like you - are aware of their origins or what they ac tually m ean. P ers onally, they are not expres s ions I would us e, or I s us pec t that you would either. P erhaps Mr Hornc hurc h s hould have pointed this out to the c hildren. However, to us e a m ore fam iliar expres s ion, "that's all water under the bridge now".' T hank you for dealing with it, Gervas e. I s hall read your report with interes t and explain m atters to Dr Gore and Counc illor P eters on when I m eet with them later this m orning. I will als o ring the E ditor of the Gaz ette to m ake s ure that artic le does n't go ahead. Now, I am s ure that you, like I, have a very bus y day ahead of you s o I won't detain you further.' I took a deep breath. 'T here was another m atter I wanted to s peak to you about,' I s aid, plac ing a s ec ond report on her des k and s liding it ac ros s . 'Ugglem atters by J unior S c hool.' T he Chief Ins pec tor gave a s light s m ile and s tared down at the report. 'Go on,' s he s aid. Mis s de la Mare lis tened patiently as I explained how I had vis ited the s c hool and had been unhappy with what I had s een and heard. I adm itted that I had been at fault for not having followed through the las t report, whic h I had written jus t over two years before, by returning to the s c hool to c hec k on progres s . I told her that I hadn't even telephoned the head-teac her to s ee how he was getting on. I ac c epted it had been m y res pons ibility to ens ure that the rec om m endations in m y report had been addres s ed, and I had failed in that regard. T here was what I felt to be an interm inable s ilenc e before the Chief Ins pec tor s poke. 'Y ou are right,' s he s aid at las t, 'you s hould have followed things up. It's all very well writing c ritic al reports on s c hools but if nothing is done about them it is a pointles s exerc is e.' 'I s ee that,' I s aid quietly. 'Having s aid that, there are s everal hundred s c hools in the c ounty and we are a s m all team and it is to be expec ted that things , at tim es , s lip through the net. T he head teac her and indeed the governors s hould have been m ore proac tive, of c ours e, and s ought help.' 'I don't think the governors and the head teac her exac tly s ee eye to eye,' I told her. 'I s ee.' 'T o be fair to him , the head teac her did try and im plem ent s om e of the rec om m endations and there have been c hanges for the better but I think you need to read the whole report to get the full pic ture.' 'S inc e it was n't jus t E nglis h in whic h the c hildren were under-ac hieving, your c olleagues too s hould have been into the s c hool with s upport and advic e. I take it you ac quainted them with your c onc erns ?' 'Y es , I did.' 'A nd did they go in?' 'I'm not s ure,' I replied feebly. 'Y ou're not s ure?' 'No.' 'Y ou didn't think to c hec k?' 'No, I didn't.' 'W ell, I think there are a num ber of people who are at fault here.' I felt a little better after that rem ark until s he added, 'Having s aid that, Gervas e, it was really down to you to have dealt with the s ituation s inc e you ins tigated it.' T he words of Mr Hornc hurc h s uddenly c am e to m ind. I had c ertainly 'c oc ked-up' this tim e. 'I know it's a c as e of c los ing the s table door after the hors e has bolted,' I s aid, 'but I've s ugges ted in this c urrent report that the team undertakes a full ins pec tion of the s c hool and that c om petenc y proc eedings be c ons idered with regard to the two teac hers .' 'T hat m ight not be nec es s ary,' s aid the Chief Ins pec tor. 'Y ou s ee, Ugglem atters by J unior is on the lis t of five s c hools we are thinking of c los ing.' 'Clos ing! ' I exc laim ed. 'W e have it in m ind to am algam ate the J unior and the Infant S c hools ,' s he told m e. 'Num bers in the J uniors are dec lining and the Infant S c hool is on a s pac ious s ite whic h c ould be further developed to ac c om m odate the older c hildren. It s eem s the bes t c ours e of ac tion in the pres ent c irc um s tanc es .' 'I s ee,' I m urm ured. 'Quite fortuitous really, is n't it, Gervas e?' s aid the Chief Ins pec tor, giving a s m all enigm atic s m ile. On m y way bac k down the top c orridor I literally bum ped into Mrs S avage at the top of the great s tairc as e. My m ind was on the s urpris ing news that Mis s de la Mare had jus t divulged about Ugglem atters by J uniors and, hurriedly turning the c orner, I c ollided with the CE O's P ers onal A s s is tant, knoc king the files s he was c arrying out of her hands . 'For goodnes s s ake! ' s he s napped. 'W atc h where you are going! ' T here was no m is taking that s harp, dis approving voic e. 'S o s orry, Mrs S avage,' I s aid. 'Oh it's you,' s he replied, her eyes bright with indignation. S he drew her lips together into a tight little line. I bent to retrieve the files . 'I apologis e,' I s aid, 'I was n't looking where I was going.' 'No, you were not! ' s he exc laim ed. 'Com ing down the c orridor at that s peed. I c ould have been s erious ly injured. I m ight have s uffered whiplas h.' 'Y es , I'm s orry,' I s aid again. 'A nd now I s hall have to s ort out all thes e files ,' s he s aid c ros s ly. S he m eant, of c ours e, that a c leric al as s is tant would have to s ort them out. T here was no way s he would c onc ern hers elf with s uc h a m enial tas k. 'A c tually, Mr P hinn, I'm glad to have this opportunity of having a word with you.' 'I'm in rather a rus h,' I replied. 'I've got a s c hool appointm ent this m orning.' 'T his will only take a m om ent of your tim e,' s he s aid fros tily. 'V ery well.' 'It has c om e to m y attention that the s c hool ins pec tors are parking their vehic les in the des ignated bays outs ide County Hall. I notic ed this m orning, for exam ple, as I was looking out of m y offic e window, that you yours elf have parked your c ar in an area s pec ially alloc ated and m arked off for the us e of County Counc illor Morris on.' 'I s hould hardly think that Counc illor Morris on is likely to be at County Hall this early in the m orning,' I told her. 'T hat is neither here nor there,' replied Mrs S avage. 'I s hould like to point out to you, and perhaps you will c onvey this to your c olleagues , that the bays are res erved exc lus ively, I repeat exc lus ively, for the elec ted m em bers , c hief offic ers and s enior m em bers of s taff, and not for other people, partic ularly thos e who have their own s pec ified parking s pac es near their plac e of work.' 'S om etim es , Mrs S avage,' I s aid, 'we have to c ollec t a report or deliver a doc um ent and we jus t s tay for a few m inutes , or when we attend a m eeting with Mis s de la Mare or Dr Gore.' 'Mr P hinn,' s he s aid, s tiffening, 'I don't think I have m ade m ys elf entirely c lear. T here is no exc us e for parking in the des ignated bays be it for the full day or for a few m inutes . T he modus operandi at County Hall will only be s uc c es s ful if everyone abides by the rules . To be frank, the ins pec tors believe they are a law unto them s elves . I have had oc c as ion to s peak to Mis s de la Mare about the failure of s om e of your c olleagues to s end in their weekly program m es on tim e and -' 'I thought this was about parking,' I c om m ented. 'It is ,' s he replied. 'Your offic e is but a s hort dis tanc e from County Hall and it is not that onerous , I am s ure, for the ins pec tors to walk. T he bigges t offender is Mr Clam p who appears to think he c an parkthat large and uns ightly es tate c ar of his wherever he pleas es . It was in Counc illor P eters on's bay las t week. Counc illor P eters on was not bes t pleas ed and he rais ed the m atter with Dr Gore who, of c ours e, as ked m e to deal with it.' 'I will pas s your m es s age on,' I told her, 'and, now, if you will exc us e m e.'

'T hos e who illegally parkwill have their vehic le im m obilis ed,' s he c ontinued. 'Ins truc tions have been given to S ec urity that there will be no exc eptions . I s hall be s ending a m em orandum over to the ins pec tors ' offic e later this week rem inding you all of the parking regulations and inform ing you that any offender in future will be c lam ped.' 'It will be read with interes t, as we do all your m em os ,' I told her, 'and now if you -' 'I haven't finis hed yet, 's he s aid s harply. 'T here is another m atter.' 'Y es ,' I s ighed. 'It has als o c om e to m y attention that s om e of the ins pec tors appear to be m aking pers onal c alls from their offic e telephones . T his has got to s top. County Counc il regulations dic tate that no pers onal c alls of any kind, exc ept in the m os t s evere em ergenc ies , m ay be m ade in work tim e and from offic e telephones . I have rais ed the m atter with Mis s de la Mare, and m y s taff will be keeping a c los e c hec k on all c alls . Y ou m ight ac quaint your c olleagues with the fac t that -' 'I s ugges t you put it in a m em o, Mrs S avage, along with all the other c om plaints ,' I interrupted and, brus hing pas t, I hurried down the s tairs . 'Frightful wom an! ' I s aid under m y breath.

11 A ndy was a large pink-fac ed bear of a boy, with c oars e bris tly brown hair and enorm ous ears . I had jus t c om e down to the kitc hen on S aturday m orning the following week in m y old towelling dres s ing gown, and was m aking an early m orning c up of tea, when his great beam ing fac e appeared at the window. 'Y ou m us t be A ndy?' I s aid as I let him into the kitc hen. 'T hat's reight, Mes ter P hinn,' he s aid. 'Up wi' t'lark and rarin' to go.' 'W ell, it's very early and I've jus t -' I began. 'Is that a pot o' tea tha brewin'?' the boy as ked, eyeing the teapot on the s tove. 'It is . W ould you like a c up?' I as ked. 'Cup o' tea gus down a treat this tim e o' t'm ornin',' he s aid, s eating him s elf at the kitc hen table. 'Mi Unc le 'A rry 'appen telled thee I'd be c om in' up this m ornin', did 'e?' 'Y es , he did,' I replied, 'but not quite this early. It's only eight o'c loc k.' 'W ell, tha s ees ,' he s aid, leaning bac k on a c hair, 'there's things to do. A fter I've s ooarted thy garden out, I'm down to owld Mis s is P os kitt's to paint 'er iron yats , then Mes ter Um pleby 'as need o' m e to do a bit o' m uc kin' out an' 'elp fotherin' 'os s es . T hen I've got s heep to fettle and beeas ts to feed an' toneet I'm goin' to Y oung Farm ers pea and pie s upper.' I pas s ed the boy a m ug from the dres s er. 'B us y m an,' I s aid. 'Help yours elf.' 'Can't c om plain,' he replied, getting up and reac hing for the teapot and pouring him s elf a m ugful. 'I'm tryin' to s ave a bit o' m oney, tha s ees , to get m e through c ollege. W hen I leave s c hool next year, I'm 'opin' to go to A s kham B ryan A gric ul tural College, bes t c ollege in t'north, but there's fees an' s uc h.' 'S o I hear. It's a very good c ollege,' I told him . 'My wife's c ous in lec tures at A s kham B ryan - Dr Iain B entley. He's a s pec ialis t in hortic ulture. Y ou m ight c om e ac ros s him .' 'S heep are m y s pec ialis m ,' s aid A ndy, before putting s om e m ilkand two heaped teas poonfuls of s ugar in his m ug and s tirring the tea vigorous ly. 'T hough I'm all reight wi' plants an' I c an turn m i 'and to owt. I like pigs an' all an' I 'ave a few goats . T hing is wi' beeas ts is that a dog looks up to you, a c at looks down on you but a pig looks you s traight in t'eye. T ha knaas where thy are wi' pigs . Not like that wi' m os t fowk, is it? A s m i Unc le 'A rry s ays , 'T here's nowt as queer as folk. T hey're all on 'em queer, bar thee and m e - an' s om etim es ah'm not that s ure abaat thee." He laughed. 'I c an't wait to leave s c hool. Can't s ee t'point m is s en o' doin' halgebra an' geom etry an' leaarnin' Frenc h an' writin' s oppy poetry.' 'Y ou'd be s urpris ed how it c om es in us eful in later life,' I told him , s ounding like his teac her. 'W hat, poetry?' He laughed loudly. 'It's all la-di-da and bloody daffodils .' 'I'll tell you s om ething, A ndy,' I s aid, 'and you m us t never tell Mrs P hinn I told you, but poetry is the very bes t way to get a girlfriend. A little love poem , I have found, works wonders on the fem ale heart.' 'Nay, nay Mes ter P hinn,' he s pluttered, s haking his head vigorous ly, 'I'm not into that s ooart o' thing at t'm om ent. T here's plenty tim e fer that later on. T here's this big las s at t'Young Farm ers c alled B ianc a, wi' red hair an' s pots , who's s et her c ap fer m e but I'm not hinteres ted. I jus t want to leave s c hool and do s um m at worth doing.' 'W ell,' I s aid, 's c hool and pas s ing your exam s are im portant.' 'I c an't s ee how what tha does at s c hool'l 'elp m e wi' s heep. I'd be better leaarnin' 'ow to repair a drys tone wall, dig a dyke, c hain 'arrow, lam b a yow, m ilka c ow an' 'andle a c ollie. Can't s ee how workin' out c irc um ferenc e of a c irc le or writin' abaat flowers and fairies is gunna 'elp m e m uc h in t'line o' work I wants to do.' 'W hic h s c hool do you go to?' I as ked him . 'W es t Challerton 'Igh. 'E adm as ter, Mes ter P ennington-S m ith, is only bothered abaat bright kids an' them what are good at s ports . W unt know m e from A dam .' 'Really?' 'I liked t'other 'eadm as ter, Mes ter B lunt, better. T ha knew where tha were wi' 'im . B it like what I was s ayin' abaat pigs .' I dec ided not to probe any m ore. 'S o,' I s aid, 'do you think you c an s ort out m y garden?' 'Oh, I c an fettle it all reight. I c an s ee there's a fair bit o' workneeds doin', m ind. It's like a jungle out theer. Garden's full o' wic kens .' 'W hatever are they?' I as ked. T hey s ounded as if they m ight be s om e s ort of s trange furry c reature with s harp teeth. 'W eeds , Mes ter P hinn, weeds - dandillylions , twitc h gras s , nettles , doc ks , dais ies , you nam e it, you've got it. A n' I don't know when's las t tim e tha m owed tha lawn.' 'I've not had m uc h tim e to do it lately,' I s aid. 'I m eant to m ake a s tart after we got bac k from our holidays but didn't and now autum n is here.' 'T 'rec ent downpour's m ed it grow ageean,' s aid the boy. 'Nivver thee m ind, Mes ter P hinn, I'll s oon 'ave it fettled.' 'W e haven't dis c us s ed your -' I s tarted. 'I rec kon I'll do your borders fus t,' he told m e, taking a great gulp of tea and s m ac king his lips nois ily. 'Good tea, this . Mi grandm a allus likes her tea s trong enough to s tand a s poon up in it. P roper Yorks hire tea. J us t the tic ket. A ny rooad, I rec kon I'll m ek a s tart on t'lawn this m ornin'. Needs m owin' an' rakin' an' s pikin' and gras s food purrin on. T hen I'll do t'diggin' next week. B es t to wait till next m onth to tac kle yer trees . Lot o' prunin' needs doin' theer.' 'I c an s ee you've done your hom ework,' I s aid. 'A ye, I've 'ad a quic k look round.' He tookanother great gulp from the m ug. 'A bout paym ent,' I s aid. 'W e c an s ooart that out later,' he told m e, 'when tha's s een what I've done. I'll do a good job for thee, Mes ter P hinn. T ha'll not be dis appointed.' 'Fair enough,' I s aid. 'T ha needs a c om pos t 'eap, tha knaas ,' the boy c ontinued. 'I'll build thee one round t's ide, if tha likes . Oh, and there's three panes o' glas s wants replac in' in yer c old fram e. I'll m eas ure 'em up and tha c an 'appen ger 'em for m e for next week, an' s om e putty an' all, an' s om e blac k paint an' brus hes .' 'Right,' I s aid, s c ribbling a note. 'Is that everything?' 'Y er gutterin' needs replac in' round t's ide otherwis e tha'll get watter c om in' in. A n' a c ouple of yer s lates are loos e. I'll fix 'em , an' all. I'll bring m i ladders next week. I c ould c lean yer winders while I'm at it. Might as well, s inc e I'm up theer anyway. T hey needs doin' by t'looks on 'em .' A ndy drained the m ug and banged it down onto the kitc hen table jus t as Chris tine c am e into the kitc hen with the baby. S he at leas t had dres s ed. 'Y ou m us t be A ndy,' s he s aid. 'I am , m is s is ,' he replied, s tanding up and extending a hand as large as a s pade. 'P leas ed to m eet you.' He then pus hed his large pinkfac e c los e to the c hild. 'A nd this m us t be t'little un. Hey up, he's a bobby dazzler, in't 'e?' A ndy tic kled little Ric hard gently under his c hin. 'Ooc hy c ooc hy c oo,' he burbled. 'Ooc hy c ooc hy c oo.' T he baby im m ediately s tarted s c ream ing. 'I allus 'ave that effec t on kiddies ,' A ndy s aid laughing. 'I'm all reight wi' s heep an' beeas ts but when it c om es to babbies , they allus s tart a-rooarin when I look at 'em .' 'I think he's hungry,' Chris tine explained. 'Don't take it pers onally, A ndy.' 'I nivver do, m is s is ,' s aid the boy, beam ing. 'Life's too s hort to tek things pers onally.' 'S o,' s aid Chris tine, roc king the baby in an attem pt to quieten him , 'is everything arranged?' 'It appears s o,' I s aid. 'S o what's wi' t's quirrels , then?' A ndy as ked. 'W ho told you about the s quirrel?' I s aid. 'W ell, I've s een 'em ',' he replied. 'Them?' Chris tine and I as ked in unis on. 'T here's m ore than one? W here?' 'T here's a brac e on 'em round bac k in a c age,' replied the boy, 'runnin' around as if s om ebody's put a fireworkup their bac ks ides .' A s he had prom is ed, Mauric e Hinderwell had delivered a s quirrel c age to the offic e at the beginning of the week. W hen I arrived hom e that evening, I had done as he had s ugges ted and had pos itioned the rec tangular wire c age with the trap door a s hort dis tanc e from the hous e in a c orner of the bac k garden, s ec luded yet quite c los e to the s quirrel's point of entry under the eaves . I s toc ked it with a handful of honey-c oated peanuts . However, m uc h to m y dis m ay, our noc turnal vis itor obvious ly had a liking for our roof, and m y s lum bers were greatly dis turbed by the pitter-patter and s c ratc hing above m e of a s quirrel that didn't s eem to need the s leep that I did, by a nervous wife who prodded m e in the bac k whenever s he was woken by the s quirrel, not to m ention a frac tious baby who wanted feeding. E ac h m orning, I would c hec kthe trap but it rem ained irritatingly em pty. I was beginning to wonder if I would have to c all in Mauric e Hinderwell to help m e. 'S o we've c aught tw o s quirrels ?' I as ked A ndy now. 'B ig uns , an' all,' s aid the boy. 'Dus t tha want to look at 'em ?' Chris tine pic ked a s hawl out of the c arryc ot and gently c overed Ric hard with it, then the P hinn fam ily went out into the garden with A ndy to view our bus hy-tailed c aptives , whic h were c owering in the furthes t c orner of the c age. 'A hh,' s aid Chris tine, 'aren't they s weet?' 'Y ou didn't s ay that las t night when they were s c ratc hing and s c raping in the loft,' I grum bled. 'I'm blac k and blue with all that poking.' A ndy gave m e a s trange look. 'T hey lookrather s c ared,' s aid Chris tine, peering down into the c age, 'but at the s am e tim e very c ute with their little furry fac es and bus hy tails . J us t like in the pic ture books .' 'T ree rats ,' s aid A ndy bluntly. 'Does tha want m e to get rid of 'em for you?' 'Not kill them ! ' exc laim ed Chris tine, looking aghas t. 'Y ou don't m ean to kill them , do you, A ndy?' 'B es t thing, m is s is ,' replied the boy. 'T hey're verm in. 'A rm ful to gam e, c rops , farm anim als , vegetation, an' they c arry dis eas e an' all. B es t thing to do is kill 'em . I'll jus t drop t'c age in your watter butt an' drown t'little devils .' 'No, no,' s aid Chris tine firm ly, 'I won't let you do that.' 'T hey're no good as pets , if that's what yer thinkin', Mis s is P hinn,' he told her. 'I know that,' s aid Chris tine, 'but I don't want them killed. My hus band will take them s om ewhere well away from here and s et them free.' 'W ill I?' I as ked. 'Y es , you will,' s he s aid firm ly. 'S uit this s en, m is s is ,' s aid A ndy, s hrugging, 'but they'll be bac k. Y ou m ark m y words . T his is their territory an', s ure as s ixpenc e, they'll be bac k.' 'Not if I take them a good dis tanc e,' I s aid. 'W ant to bet on it?' as ked A ndy. 'I'll wager thee a fiver to a penny they'll be bac k.' 'How will you know?' I as ked. 'One s quirrel looks pretty m uc h like another.' 'I'll s how thee,' s aid A ndy, 'hang on a m o,' and he walked ac ros s to the bac k door where he had left an old hold-all, out of whic h poked various tools . He rifled through the c ontents and returned holding a s pray c an. 'I s hall be us ing this rus t-repellent underc oat on one of Mis s is P os kitt's yats later on. I'll put a touc h on t'tails of thes e two c ritters and then we'll know whether or not it's t's am e s quirrels if we c atc h any m ore.' B efore I c ould argue with the boy, he liberally s prayed the tails of the two terrified c reatures with the darkred-c oloured paint. T he s quirrels went into a frenzy, s quealing, s c rabbling around the c age in c irc les and dis playing s ets of s harp, vic ious -looking teeth. 'Y ou were a bit heavy handed with that paint, A ndy,' Chris tine obs erved. 'T heir tails are totally c oated.' 'W on't 'urt 'em , m is s is . S oon c om e off will that paint,' A ndy s aid, winking at m e. 'Now, if a c ouple o' grey s quirrels wi' red tails are in your trap next week, we'll know I was reight, won't we, an' you, Mes ter P hinn, will be 'andin' ovver a fiver.' A ndy worked hard in the garden for the next three hours , and when he left to go down to paint Mrs P os kitt's gate, the plac e looked a whole lot better. T he s un had c om e out, and it had turned into a glorious early autum n day. I s ugges ted to Chris tine that we s hould load the s quirrels into the c ar and take them up to the m oors to releas e them . S o, with the c aged c reatures , whic h didn't s eem any les s lively with their red underc oat, s afely in the boot of the c ar, baby Ric hard s ec urely s trapped in the bac kand Chris tine bes ide m e, we s et off for what I as s um ed would be an uneventful drive. I s et off at a leis urely pac e through Hawks rill village with its c lus ter of grey s tone c ottages , anc ient Norm an c hurc h and the little s c hool. A s we pas s ed the pub, the Royal Oak, Chris tine pointed out of the window. 'Look,' s he s aid, 'it's been done up.' T he window fram es and door had been painted a bright green and there were two large s tone troughs on either s ide planted with dahlias . 'It's the ins ide that Harry has been m oaning about,' I s aid, driving on. W e were jus t out of the village when Chris tine tapped m y arm . 'P ull over,' s he s aid, 'there's Harry, waving at us .' 'Do I have to?' 'Y es , you do,' s he s aid. 'He's been really helpful and I want to thankhim for s ending A ndy up to s ort out the garden.' Reluc tantly, I pulled over and wound down the window. Harry was s tanding by a gate, bes ide a m an who c ould have been his twin. B us ter, the B order terrier, was s itting at their feet. B oth m en had the s am e weather-reddened, c raggy c ountenanc es , s harp nos es and s ubs tantial outc rops of s ilver hair. T hey were attired in threadbare tweed working jac kets , c ollarles s white s hirts , baggy blue s erge trous ers and heavy boots and both s ported anc ient brown flat c aps . 'Good m orning,' I s aid pleas antly. 'How do,' s aid Harry. His c om panion nodded. 'B eautiful day,' I s aid, looking through the winds c reen at a s eam les s s ky of eggs hell blue. 'S o far,' grunted Harry. 'T ha knaas what I allus s ays : "If rooks fly 'igh, t'weather will be dry. If rooks fly low, we're s ure to 'ave a blow."' 'I haven't s een any rooks ,' I s aid. ''A ppen tha will.' He nodded in the direc tion of his c om panion. 'T his is m i brother, Cyril.' 'Good m orning,' I s aid. Cyril nodded. 'I'm s orry I was a bit s hort the las t tim e I s aw you, Harry. I'd had a bus y day and was very tired.' He nodded. 'Morning, Harry,' s aid Chris tine, leaning over m e and giving him one of her dis arm ing s m iles . 'Mornin', m is s is ,' he replied. 'Morning, Cyril,' s aid Chris tine. Harry's brother tapped the peakof his c ap. 'T hankyou for s ending A ndy up to do our garden,' I s aid. 'He's m aking a s plendid job of it.' 'Does thy 'ear that, Cyril? A ndy's doin' a good job up theer at P eewit Cottage.' Harry's brother nodded but the expres s ion rem ained unc hanged on his c raggy fac e. 'I've jus t been talkin' to our A ndy,' Harry told m e. 'Met 'im on 'is way to owld Mrs P os kitt's to paint 'er iron yats . 'E were tellin' m e there's a fair bit to do up at P eewit Cottage. Cours e, there allus is with thes e owld c ottages . P lac e were all but fallin' dahn when owld Mrs Ollerans haw 'ad it. I don't know why people bother doing 'em up, m is s en. Gim m e m e a m odern 'ous e any tim e. Y ou s ooart one thing owt - dry rot, c reepin' dam p, woodworm , s ubs idenc e - and then there's another problem reight behind. T 's quirrels are t'leas t o' your worries .' 'A ndy told you about the s quirrels then?' I as ked. 'A ye, he s aid you'd 'ad an infes tation.' 'Hardly that,' I s aid. 'J us t a c ouple and I've c aught them .' 'W eer there's two, there's likely m ore,' s aid Harry. 'T hey do breed tha knaas , do s quirrels .' 'B loody nuis anc es ,' growled Cyril. 'T hey are that,' s aid Harry. He turned his attention bac k to m e. 'A nd I 'ear that tha's s et on letting 'em go?' 'W e wouldn't like to kill them ,' s aid Chris tine. 'T owns folk! ' explained Harry to his brother. 'T ypic al,' replied Cyril. 'T ree rats , that's what they are,' s aid Harry. 'V erm in.' 'T hey wants s hootin',' s aid Cyril. 'T ha reight there,' agreed his brother. 'If I find any s quirrels , I m ek s hort workon 'em , I c an tell thee that.' A s if on c ue the s quirrels in the boot began s c rabbling and s c ratc hing in their c age. 'W hat's that?' as ked Harry. 'Oh, jus t the baby,' I lied. 'W ell, we m us t be m aking trac ks .' 'A ndy'll do it for thee if tha's a bit s queam is h,' s aid Harry. 'Do what?' 'Dis pos e of your s quirrels .' 'No, thankyou,' I s aid, s tarting the c ar.

'T rouble with towns folk,' s aid Harry, addres s ing his brother, 'is they don't unders tand abaat t'ways of t'c ountry. Rabbits , foxes , s quirrels , badgers , they get all s entim ental about 'em and then s tart interferin' in our way o' life.' 'B loody nuis anc es ,' growled Cyril. 'T urn off t'engine a m inute,' Harry told m e, 'an' I'll tell thee abaat s um m at what 'appened up at your c ottage when old Mrs Ollerans haw lived there.' I dutifully turned off the engine. 'I was pas s ing t'gate of your c ottage s om e year bac kan' a gam e bird dropped out o' t'blue in front of m e. T hey was s hootin' at t'tim e up on Lord Marric k's es tate and this pheas ant, whic h m us t 'ave bin c lipped by one o' thes e c hinles s , c ros s -eyed aris toc rats wi' a s hotgun, fell out of t's ky an' landed s m ac k bang in front of m e. Manna from 'eaven, it were. S unday lunc h delivered at m i feet. A ny road, I'd jus t pic ked t'pheas ant up when thes e two ram blers walked by.' 'B loody nuis anc es ,' growled Cyril. 'T hey are that,' agreed his brother. 'A ny road, thes e two ram blers m us t 'ave been s eventy if they were a day, wi' great big boots an' bobble hats an' ruc ks ac ks an' fanc y walkin' s tic ks . T hey s topped in their trac ks when they s aw m e pic kin' up this bird. 'Ooo,' s ays one, a wom an wi' a fac e like one o' them gargoyles on t'c hurc h, 'poor c reature. Is it hurt?' Is it 'urt, I thowt to m is s en, its bloody wing's 'angin' off. Cours e it's 'urt. B ut it won't be 'urtin' in a m inute, I told m is s en. 'Can you fix it?' s he as ks . 'Oh, yes , m is s is ,' I s ays , 'I c an fix it all reight.' A ny road, when they were a bit down t'trac k I got hold of t'pheas ant an' wi' one quic k- ' 'I don't want to hear,' s aid Chris tine quic kly. 'S ee what I m eans , Cyril,' laughed Harry, 'over-bloodys entim ental, that's what towns folkare.' He s hookhis head. 'T hey don't m ind a bit o' m eat on their plate but they don't like to think 'ow it got theer. A n' next tim e I turn up on your doors tep, Mrs P hinn, wi' a nic e plum p pheas ant for you under m i arm , I don't expec t that you'll be as kin' 'ow it m et its end.' 'A nd how are you getting on with the new landlord of the Royal Oak?' I as ked Harry m is c hievous ly. 'Don't you bloody s tart m e off ! ' he exc laim ed. 'He's another of yer 'off-c om ed-uns ', is that new landlord! K nows nowt about c ountry ways . K nows nowt about tradition. Com es up from t's outh wi' all his fanc y ideas and pulls t'plac e apart. T ha wunt rec ognis e it. Tekken all s tuff off t'walls , pulled t'c arpet up, c hanged furniture. T ha wunt rec ognis e t'plac e now. W e're gerrin a pertition up in t'village, s o 'appen I'll be c allin' round for thy s ignature.' W e left the two brothers s tanding at the gate dis c us s ing the pub's new landlord. 'Y ou did that deliberately, didn't you?' s aid Chris tine. 'W hat?' 'Mention the new landlord of the pub. Y ou were winding him up.' 'W ell, I'm getting m y own bac k on him for always going on and on about m y neglec ted garden and the wretc hed overgrown allotm ent. I now know a s ure-fire way of getting old Harry Cotton to c hange the s ubjec t - jus t m ention the new landlord of the Royal Oak.' W e drove on for s everal m iles , pas t pale green fields where floc ks of blac k-fac ed s heep m eandered between bleac hed lim es tone walls and s leepy-looking c attle, c hewing the c ud, s tared im pas s ively. A fter about fifteen m inutes , Chris tine s aid s uddenly, 'W hat about there? Y ou c ould releas e the s quirrels in that little c ops e.' B eyond a field was a c lum p of tall firs s urrounded by thic k bus hes . 'It's right off the road,' I s aid. 'It would be eas ier if I put them out here.' 'It's not that far and, look, there's a trac k down the s ide of the field leading to it. W e don't want to have brought them this far for them to get run over, do we?' 'A ll right,' I grum bled, 'but I c an thinkof a lot better things to do on a S aturday than trekking ac ros s a field with a c age full of m ultic oloured s quirrels .' 'Like digging the allotm ent?' s aid Chris tine im pis hly. S o, taking the c age with its c ontents from the boot, I s et off down the trac kthat led to the edge of the little c overt. It took s om e tim e to pers uade the wretc hed c reatures to leave the c age. I s hookit, tilted it, even lifted it up and tipped it ups ide down but they hung on to the wire in the c orner of the c age, c hattering angrily and refus ing to m ove. Finally, I wedged open the door with a twig and waited. A fter what s eem ed an age, they left their pris on and s c am pered off into the gras s and up a tree where they flic ked their red bus hy tails before dis appearing in the branc hes . I had jus t s et off bac kdown the trac kwhen a loud voic e s ounded behind m e. 'Hey, you there! W hat do you think you're doing?' I s topped and turned to s ee that a figure had c om e round from the bac k of the trees . He was a s m all, s inis ter-looking m an, wiry of fram e and with a fac e as wrinkled and brown as an old rus s et apple. He was wearing leather gaiters and a green padded wais tc oat and c arried a s hotgun under his arm . I tried a c onc iliatory s m ile but to no effec t. 'Good m orning,' I c roaked s om ewhat nervous ly. He glowered at m e in return and rais ed the s hotgun. 'Y ou're tres pas s ing,' he told m e in a deadpan voic e. 'I'm s orry, I didn't realis e,' I replied. 'T his is Lord Marric k's es tate,' he told m e, eyeing the c age I was holding. 'W hat are you doing?' 'It s ounds rather bizarre,' I s tarted. 'T ry m e.' 'I was releas ing s om e s quirrels .' T he m an c urled a lip and lowered the gun. 'Releas ing s om e s quirrels ?' he repeated very s lowly, as if I had s aid s om ething highly offens ive. 'W hat do you m ean "releas ing s om e s quirrels "?' I attem pted to explain. 'I had - er - c aught a c ouple of s quirrels and was letting them go.' 'W hy did you want to c atc h them in the firs t plac e?' he as ked. It s eem ed, thankgoodnes s , that he hadn't ac tually c aught s ight of m y releas ing the s quirrels with their red tails . I c ould jus t im agine the diffic ulty in explaining that one. 'T hey dec ided to m ake their hom e in m y c ottage,' I told him . 'I m anaged to c atc h them and was jus t s etting them free.' 'S etting them free?' 'Y es .' 'On Lord Marric k's land?' 'I was n't aware that it was Lord Marric k's land.' Had I known, I thought, I c ertainly wouldn't have c hos en it as the plac e to releas e the s quirrels . 'W ell, it is .' 'May I as kwho you are?' I was bec om ing rather irritated by this interrogation. 'I'm Lord Marric k's gam ekeeper,' he told m e, 'and I s pend m os t of m y tim e killing verm in that eat the eggs of his lords hip's gam e birds and s eeing off poac hers and tres pas s ers .' 'I'm not a poac her! ' I exc laim ed. 'I was n't trying to c atc h anim als , jus t to free them .' He ignored m e and c ontinued. 'S o I s pend m y tim e killing verm in and you dec ide to dum p it on Lord Marric k's es tate.' 'I didn't s ee it quite like that,' I s aid lam ely, 'but now that you have explained...' T he m an narrowed his eyes and thrus t his c hin forward. He turned the s hotgun, whic h was pointing towards the ground, res tles s ly in his hands . 'Y ou do know that s quirrels are verm in, don't you?' 'I've been told as m uc h.' 'A nd are you aware of the dam age they c aus e?' he as ked. 'No, not really,' I replied. 'W ell, let m e tell you. Young s aplings , whic h we plant in this woodland at great expens e, are des troyed by your s quirrels . T hey gnaw through the barkof the hardwood trees , the newly planted beec h and s yc am ores , to get at the s ap. T hey leave a raw s c ar, whic h enc ourages a fungus , whic h c an kill or deform trees . Did you know that?' 'I was n't aware of that, but -' I s tarted. 'A nd I don't s uppos e that you were aware either that it is illegal to either keep or releas e grey s quirrels unles s you have a s pec ial lic enc e from the Minis try of A gric ulture. Have you s uc h a lic enc e?' 'No.' P ers onally, I thought the m an was m aking a great fus s about s om ething pretty trivial but I kept m y thoughts to m ys elf and kept m y eyes on his s hotgun. 'I'm s orry,' I s aid. 'I didn't realis e.' T he gam ekeeper s uc ked in his bottom lip and s c ratc hed his head. 'I'm m inded to take you up to Mans ton Hall with m e and get you to explain yours elf to his Lords hip.' 'I won't do it again.' I s ounded like a naughty s c hoolboy c aught in the ac t by an angry headteac her. T he las t thing I wanted was to be hauled up in front of Lord Marric k, who jus t happened to s it on the E duc ation Com m ittee and whom I had worked with on a num ber of oc c as ions during the pas t few years . 'W ell, m ake s ure you don't. Now, take your bloody c age,' ordered the gam ekeeper, 'get off this land and if I s ee you again, you'll get a bac ks ide full of buc ks hot.' 'Y ou were a long tim e,' s aid Chris tine when I arrived, hot and flus tered, bac kat the c ar. 'I was beginning to worry. Have you releas ed them ?' 'I have,' I s aid s hortly. I was keen to be on our way. 'I think they'll be happy in that little wood, don't you?' s he as ked. 'Idyllic ally,' I replied and thinking of what awaited them if they s o m uc h as s howed a glim ps e of their red tails .

12 'Com e along,' s aid Chris tine the following day before lunc h. 'Get your c oat. I'm taking you for a drink.' 'W hat's brought this on?' I as ked. 'I thought you wanted m e to dig the allotm ent this afternoon -' 'I was thinking about what Harry told us yes terday about the c hanges at the Royal Oak, and I think it's about tim e we m et the new landlord,' s he told m e. 'He's obvious ly been treading on a lot of toes in the village with all the c hanges he's been m aking s inc e he took over. I've heard other m utterings . I thought we'd pop in and have a look for ours elves .' 'W ill your m other keep an eye on Ric hard?' I as ked. 'Y es , and s he's als o offered to do the vegetables , s o we've got an hour before lunc h is ready.' Chris 's m other had c om e over to m eas ure the arm c hair that s he was going to re-c over for us , and now appeared in the kitc hen, a tape m eas ure round her nec k. 'Go on out, you two. T ake the c hanc e while I'm here.' 'B ut if I have a pint now, I'll be no good for digging the allotm ent after lunc h.' 'Look,' s aid Chris tine, putting her hands on her hips , 'we have prec ious little tim e to go out together what with the baby, s o when m y m other agrees to lookafter him for an hour, we're going out. No argum ents . Now c om e along, c hop, c hop.' 'I love it when you play the headteac her,' I s aid, laughing. 'Y ou're like a dom inatrix.' 'If you don't hurry up,' s he s aid, 'I'll get m y whip out.' 'OK , but do we have to go to the Royal Oak? Y ou s aid yours elf that it was a run-down, friendles s plac e.' 'Y es , we do,' s he s aid, handing m e m y jac ket. 'I want to m eet the new landlord and s ee what c hanges he's m ade. Des pite what Harry s ays , there are s om e people in the village who will welc om e the c hange. A nyone taking over the Royal Oak would be an im provem ent on the previous inc um bent. T hat Mr Clarke was s uc h an unpleas ant m an, running his poor little wife off her feet. It's a wonder people ever went in. Landlords are s uppos ed to be hos pitable and friendly, not downright rude. A nyway, it's about tim e that old pub was brought into the nineteenth c entury, never m ind the twentieth.' 'I like it like that,' I s aid. 'It's rather quaint.' 'Quaint! ' exc laim ed Chris tine. 'Quaint! My unders tanding of the word 'quaint' is 'attrac tively old-fas hioned'. T here is nothing attrac tive about the Royal Oak. W hat it needs is pulling down and rebuilding. It is - or, rather, was - s m oky, dirty, nois y and unc om fortable. It's a wonder there weren't s pittoons on the floor and holes in the ground for the lavatories . T he plac e needed m ore than a lic kof paint, and the c hanges m ay not be that bad.' 'T hat olde-worlde atm os phere is what is s o appealing about the plac e,' I told her. 'It would be a real pity if it has bec om e like the Golden B all, one of thes e dreadful m odern pubs .' 'Let's jus t wait and s ee what has been done to it,' s aid Chris tine. 'It c an't be wors e than the las t tim e we went in when you c om plained about the s tate of the bar and how the beer was off and how it tookan age to be s erved. Y ou didn't s ay it was quaint then, did you?' 'Y es , well, I s till wouldn't like to s ee the old plac e being altered too m uc h,' I s aid, wrapping m y arm s around her wais t. 'It's part of the his tory of the village. It's all about tradition. B ut I will go out with you, Mrs P hinn, only if you prom is e to get your whip out later.' Hawks rill had the two public hous es , the Royal Oak and the Golden B all. W hen we firs t c am e to live in the village, we had enjoyed going to the Golden B all - or the Lac quered K nac ker as loc als us ed to c all it. A lthough it was a m ore m odern building than the Oak, it was a popular plac e, and we got to know m any of the loc als there. W hile we were bus y working on getting the c ottage habitable, we would often pop in for a pie and a pint of beer. However, when the landlord put in gam e m ac hines and piped m us ic - to enc ourage the younger generation, he s aid - s om e of the loc als had s hifted their allegianc e to the village's other pub. In c ontras t, the Royal Oakhadn't, until now, c hanged in years . Outs ide, a dilapidated wooden board, depic ting a warlike be-wigged Charles II pos ing, one hand on his hip and the other holding high a s word, and s tanding regally beneath a huge oaktree in full leaf, had hung from a gallows -like s truc ture to the front of the inn. A ttac hed to the wall bes ide the heavy front door, with its flaking paint, had been a large faded wooden s ign that read: 'P urveyors of fine ales , liquor and porter s inc e 1714.' T he public bar had been dim and s m oky, reeking of beer and tobac c o and had been as hot as a s auna. T here had been four anc ient and s tic ky-topped tres tle-s tyle tables , a s elec tion of ric kety hard wooden c hairs , a dus ty inglenook, and a flagged and heavily-s tained floor. T he walls had been bare s ave for a few oddm ents : a pair of old bellows , a tarnis hed warm ing pan, various rus ty farm im plem ents inc luding a vic ious -looking m an-trap, and a c ouple of antique s hotguns . T here had been no attem pt to provide any kind of phys ic al c om fort for the c us tom ers . W alkers would enter and as k if food was s erved, to be told bluntly by the landlord, 'No, and c los e t'door on yer way out.' T he other room , euphem is tic ally c alled the Lounge, had had a threadbare red-patterned c arpet and a further s elec tion of dus ty loc al m em orabilia on the walls , a few round plas tic -topped tables , a c ouple of W inds or c hairs and an as s ortm ent of old arm c hairs , wing-bac ked c hairs and s tools . T he previous landlord, Tobias Clarke, known affec tionately as Fat Toby, had bent down to lac e up his boots one m orning a c ouple or s o m onths ago and had dropped down dead. He had been a lugubrious -fac ed individual of im m ens e girth, a great barrel of a m an with s houlders as broad as a barn door. He had been a m an of few words and little hum our and had liked nothing better than to s it in a high-bac ked grandfather c hair at the s ide of the open fire in the public bar while his long-s uffering wife s erved behind the bar. Mrs Clarke was a s m all, s light wom an; s he was never s een wearing anything other than blac kand as s he s c uttled about the inn s he rem inded m e of an indus trious little beetle. Her hair, s ilver-white and parted in the m iddle, was s c raped bac kac ros s her head and into a tight little bunc h. Chris tine and I, on the few oc c as ions that we had vis ited the pub, often wondered why s he put up with s uc h a lazy and dis agreeable hus band, whos e fac e and m anner c learly dem ons trated his will to dom inate the poor wom an. W hen the pub had m ore than the us ual handful of c us tom ers , he would ris e s lowly from his throne to as s is t her but he had never been in any rus h. He would take an inordinate am ount of tim e to s erve you. On one oc c as ion when I as ked if he had forgotten about m y order, he had s niffed nois ily, c los ed his eyes for a m om ent and then enquired tetc hily, 'Is there a fire?' A fter his death, Mrs Clarke had prom ptly bought hers elf a new c oat as red as a pillar box, had had her hair perm ed a pale purple and had put up the Royal Oakfor s ale. T he pub had realis ed a s urpris ingly large s um of m oney; as Harry Cotton obs erved lugubrious ly, 'Ma Clarke were fair bow-legged wi' bras s ', and it was no s urpris e when s he had booked hers elf onto a luxury P & O c ruis e to the Caribbean on the Oriana. Mrs P os kitt rec eived a pos tc ard from the B aham as from 'the Merry W idow', inform ing her that s he had m et a very nic e elderly gentlem an and was having a wonderful tim e. A nd that was the las t we heard of her. T he pos tc ard s howed a trans form ed Mrs Clarke with her ageing param our, pos ing next to Captain Ham is h Reid like a dowager duc hes s . Muc h to the c onc ern of the loc als , things had s oon s tarted to c hange. T he new landlord of the Royal Oakwas 'nobbut better than t'landlord of t'K nac ker' grum bled Harry Cotton. 'Dunt know what t'word "tradition" m eans .' On T hurs day and Friday nights , it was the c us tom for Harry and three other worthies of the village to arrive at the Royal Oakand take their plac es at the c orner table to play dom inoes . T he fours om e c om pris ed Harry, George Hem m ings , T hom as Um pleby and Hezekiah Longton. Harry, George and T hom as were peas out of the s am e pod: all three had full heads of s ilver hair, thic k bris tling eyebrows , wide, weatherbeaten fac es and s m all s hrewd eyes nes tling in nes ts of wrinkles . T hey c ould have been brothers . Mr Longton was very different. He was a tall, lean individual who, des pite his advanc ing age, walked with a s traight bac k and without the aid of a s tic k. He was one of thos e m en whom it is diffic ult to im agine had ever been young, and yet, when this quietly-s poken m an did venture an opinion, whic h was rare, it was c lear to all that he had a lively, intelligent m ind and a good c om m and of the E nglis h language. W hereas Harry, T hom as and George would appear at the pub in their old working c lothes , Mr Longton always m ade an effort to look s m art. He was never s een in the village without a c lean white c ollar and tie, a wais tc oat (us ually m us tard in c olour) with a heavy s ilver fob dangling ac ros s his c hes t, a finely-c ut tweed jac ket, green c ord trous ers and highly-polis hed brown boots . He looked inc ongruous am ongs t the c om pany he kept, but he had never been known to m is s his dom inoes nights at the pub. On T hurs day and Friday evenings , the 'gang of four' would ens c onc e them s elves in their c orner at the Royal Oak, dis c us s the day's events and s hare an anec dote or two before s ettling down to their gam e, whic h they played in c om plete s ilenc e. W hen the s erious bus ines s of the dom inoes was over and tankards were filled with frothing ale, Harry would light his old blac kbriar pipe and fill the room with evil-s m elling s m oke. S om etim es T hom as Um pleby c ould be pers uaded to rec ite a poem . His pieec e de res is tanc e was 'T he W ens ley Las s ', a wonderfully expres s ive dialec t poem , whic h he would dec laim loudly and pas s ionately, hand on heart, in his rough, ric h, rac y native idiom . I had heard this vers e a num ber of tim es but always loved to hear the deep res onant voic e bringing the Y orks hire dialec t to life. T hou 'as nae need to worry, las s , T here'll nivver be another fer m e. S in' tim e began, there's ne'er been m an W ho c ud luv as I luv thee. A s long as t'River Y ore it flows A tween 'igh W ens ley 'ills , A n' bonny bec ks s ing leets om ly Ower s teeans in W ens ley gills , S o I will luv thee 'til I dee A n' from thee nivver part, Fer thy are the bonny W ens ley las s W ho s tole away m y 'eart. I had firs t heard him rec ite the poem one evening the previous autum n, s oon after the loc als had m igrated here from the Golden B all. W e had c alled in at the pub jus t before what we thought would be c los ing tim e and an hour later we were s till there s itting on the hard c hairs lis tening to T hom as Um pleby's rec itations . I had told him how m uc h I had enjoyed his vers es and the following m orning the m an him s elf had arrived at m y door with a c opy of his poem dedic ated 'For t'newlyweds - a long life and 'appines s '. It was neatly written in a large c opperplate hand. Harry later told m e how T hom as had bec om e quite a c elebrity a few years before. A lec turer from Leeds Univers ity, together with a Norwegian ac adem ic who was undertaking res earc h into the dec line in E uropean dialec ts , had c alled in for a drinkat the Royal Oakas they were pas s ing through the village. T hey were in s earc h of authentic Yorks hire dialec ts and their attention was s oon c aught when they heard the elderly m en at the c orner table c onvers ing in their thic k regional ac c ents . B ut when T hom as Um pleby, who rarely ventured out of the dale and s poke as his forefathers had s poken, opened his m outh, the two ac adem ic s thought they had s truc k gold and quic kly reac hed for their notebooks . Old T hom as 's c onvers ation, peppered with unus ual and arc haic words and phras es and delivered in an alm os t inc om prehens ible ac c ent, c om pletely flum m oxed them . Finally, he had enquired of the two m en, 'S o weers a banner lig?' 'I beg your pardon?' the lec turer from Leeds Univers ity had as ked, perplexed. 'I s ais , weers a banner lig?' T he Norwegian had replied, 'W e are s taying at the Marric k A rm s .' His c olleague had been as tounded. 'How on earth did you unders tand what he was s aying?' he had as ked. 'He's a V iking,' the Norwegian had replied, 'and is s peaking Old Nors e. 'W eers a banner lig?' - W here do you lay down your head?' T he univers ity lec turer had tried to pers uade T hom as to vis it Leeds and be a c as e s tudy in his res earc h but T hom as had s haken his old head. 'Nay, nay, lad,' he had s ighed. 'I'm too owld to gu gallivantin' to t'c ity. I'm c ham pion as I am .' W hen we arrived at the pub that S unday m orning we were expec ting c hange but, even s o, were s urpris ed by the extent of it. 'I s ee that the Merry Monarc h has been given his m arc hing orders ,' I s aid, looking up. T he old inn s ign had gone and in its plac e hung a brightly painted board with the outline of an oaktree and the lettering 'T HE OA K '. W e put our heads into the lounge bar. T he old arm c hairs had been replac ed with banquettes and s hiny tables . T he tarnis hed hors e bras s es and dus ty hunting horns , fram ed s epia photographs and faded paintings of rural s c enes had dis appeared; the walls had been painted white and were bare s ave for two m inim alis t paintings . T here were only a few people in there, none of whom we knew, s o we c am e out and went into the public bar. Gone was the old s tone-flagged floor; ins tead there were polis hed anaem ic -looking floorboards . T he anc ient and s tic ky-topped tres tles and hard wooden c hairs had been replac ed by high round tubular s teel s tools and m atc hing tables . In the fireplac e, where there us ed to be a blazing log fire, blac kened c opper kettles and pans , a large wic ker bas ket full of logs and a huge bras s fireguard, there was now a m odern elec tric unit with flic kering fals e c oal. P erc hed on the s tools like s trange and s habby birds s at three of the regulars looking far from happy. Mr Longton s tood, rather s elf-c ons c ious ly, holding his pint tankard. 'Hey up,' s aid Harry as we entered. 'It's t's c hoil hins pec tor.' 'Hello,' I s aid c heerfully. 'Don't offen s ee thee in 'ere,' s aid George Hem m ings and then, rais ing his hand in greeting, s aid, 'Mornin', Mis s is P hinn, looking as lovely as ever, I s ee.' 'Good m orning,' replied Chris tine, giving him one of her s tunning s m iles . 'W e've jus t c alled in to m eet the new landlord,' I told the as s em bled c om pany. T here were as s orted s norts and s ighs . 'A ye s ithee, tha m un s ee him reight enough if thy 'as a m ind,' s aid T hom as Um pleby, pic king up his pint glas s and grim ac ing. 'I was wantin' to s peak to you, Mes ter P hinn,' s aid George Hem m ings , 'about that allotm ent of yourn. It wants fettlin'.' 'Y es , I know,' I s aid wearily. 'Harry m entioned it. I've been rather bus y lately and haven't had a m om ent to get down.' 'W ay I s ee it,' s aid George, s uc king in his lips , 'is them what takes on an allotm ent have to look after it. It's all abaat 'ard work and c om m itm ent.' 'T ha right there,' agreed Harry. I began to wis h that we had never s et foot in the pub. 'I thought I m ight as kyour A ndy to tidy it up a bit,' I s aid to Harry. 'He did a grand job at the c ottage yes terday,' added Chris tine. 'He's a really hard worker.' 'He's a good lad, our A ndrew,' s aid Harry. 'Not at front of queue when t'brains were given out, but not a bad worker.' 'I thowt thy young un were doin' s um m at wi' beas ts ,' s aid T hom as Um pleby. 'A ye, that's what 'e's gor 'is 'eart s et on, workin' wi' s heep. W ants to gu to t'c ollege in Y orknext year and leaarn all about 'em . I towld 'im , 'e c ould leaarn them a thing or two.' 'I dunt 'ave no truc k wi' eddic ation and bookleaarnin' and t'like,' obs erved T hom as . 'Gives people ideas . Havin' prefixes after yer nam e dunt m ean owt to m e. A ll them fanc y words an' s uc h. I dooant knaa who s aid it but a c auliflower is nowt but a c abbage wi' a c ollege educ ation. A n' as m y owld m other us ed to s ay, "A 'andful of good life is better than a bus hel o' leaarnin'." E xperienc e is t'bes t teac her in m y book. Now you tek'E zekiah 'ere.' Mr Longton s m iled. 'It's not as if 'e needed any books and c ollege diplom as an' s us s tific ates to bec om e bes t gardener in Yorks hire. In't that reight, 'E zekiah? I'll tell thee what, Mes ter P hinn, tha wants to let 'im 'ave a look at thy hallotm ent and tell thee what to plant.' 'I'd be m ore than happy,' s aid Hezekiah. 'More than happy.' 'T hat's very kind of you, Mr Longton,' I s aid. 'I m ight very well take you up on that.' I was keen to m ove the c onvers ation on from the dis c us s ion about m y neglec ted allotm ent s o, looking around m e, c om m ented, 'It c ertainly looks a great deal brighter in here.' 'Oh aye,' s aid Harry, 'it does that an' I'll tell thee s um m at els e an' all, s om e of us dunt like it.' 'Nay,' agreed George, and s hifted unc om fortably on the high s tool. 'I gets vertigo up 'ere.' 'I 'ates and habbom inates it,' growled T hom as Um pleby. 'Is s om ebody s erving?' as ked Chris tine, looking towards the em pty bar. 'Y ou 'ave to tinkle that little bras s bell on t'bar to get attention now,' Harry s c offed. 'New c hap'll be c hattin' up c us tom ers in t'lounge, few that are theer.' 'Fanc y London ways ,' growled T hom as . 'B loody bells now, what next?' I rang the bell and a fres h-fac ed young m an with a ready s m ile em erged from the bac k. His blac k brilliantined hair was s lic ked bac k from the forehead in one s m ooth wave, and he wore a brightly c oloured open-nec ked s hirt and s ported a gold c hain and a heavy gold ring. 'Good m orning,' I s aid. 'A pint of your bes t bitter, pleas e, and a glas s of red wine.' 'W ould you c are to go into the lounge, s ir?' He glanc ed in the direc tion of the four m en in the c orner. 'It's a bit m ore c om fortable in there.' 'No, we're fine here,' I s aid. I was about to add that the public bar had m ore atm os phere but thought better of it. 'W e have a s elec tion of fine wines ,' he told m e. 'T here's a partic ularly good Rioja, a c ouple of nic e Frenc h wines - a Fitou Res erve and a Rhone from a s m all vineyard - and, if you like Italian wine, a gallo nero Chianti.' A s elec tion of dis approving nois es em anated from the s tools . 'T he hous e red will be fine,' s aid Chris tine. T he landlord began to pull the pint. 'J us t pas s ing through, are you?' he as ked. 'T hat's what W ins ton Churc hill as ked this fanc y A m eric an general during t'las t war,' announc ed Harry in a loud voic e. 'T his Y anks aid to W innie that in 'is opinion B ritain was the as s hole of E urope. 'J us t pas s ing through?' as ked Churc hill.' T his was followed by rauc ous laughter. T he landlord look extrem ely em barras s ed. 'I'm s orry about that.' 'W e're us ed to it,' I told him . 'W e live here. W e're loc als .' 'In P eewit Cottage,' added Chris tine. T he young m an s tretc hed a hand ac ros s the bar, tookhers and s m iled. 'A h, yes , the wife of the s c hool ins pec tor. I'm very pleas ed to m eet you. I'm David Fidler, the new landlord. I do hope I'll be s eeing a great deal m ore of you.' 'Oh, they dunt c om e in 'ere m uc h,' s aid Harry, quite happy to involve him s elf in another's c onvers ation. 'Y on Mes ter P hinn is far too bus y ins pec tin' s c hools an' tryin' to c los e 'em down.' 'I was going to buy you a pint, Harry,' I s aid, 'but I've thought better of it now.' 'Gerron,' he s aid, 'I'm only pulling thee leg. W e'll join thee in a drink, won't we, lads ? Mi throat's as dry as a lim e-burner's c log. Mild for m e, pleas e.' 'V ery kind of you,' s aid T hom as Um pleby, draining his pint glas s . 'Don't m ind if I do,' s aid George Hem m ings , doing the s am e. 'A nd what about you, Mr Longton?' I as ked. 'T hank you kindly,' s aid Hezekiah, rais ing his tankard. 'Four pints for the regulars , pleas e,' I s aid. 'Y ou've c ertainly m ade a big differenc e,' Chris tine told the landlord as he began to pull the pints . He lowered his voic e. 'W ell, I have tried to brighten up the plac e to attrac t m ore c us tom ers . Modernis e it. It was like going bac khundreds of years when I firs t walked in. B ut as s oon as I s aw the plac e, I im m ediately s aw the potential. A s you know, the other pub in the village, the Golden B all, is a bit of a dive. I think I c an really m ake a go of this . W ith profes s ional people like yours elves c om ing to live here and pas s ing trade, it c ould be very good. I want to attrac t a better c las s of c us tom er and eventually offer high-quality food - a fas hionable new m enu featuring hom e-c ooked dis hes . I was m anager of a pub in Chis wic kin London, whic h was very s uc c es s ful.' 'T his is hardly Chis wic k,' obs erved Chris tine. 'Oh, I know that,' s aid the landlord. He leaned over the bar. 'Quite frankly, I want to attrac t a rather better c lientele. I have big plans for T he Oak.' 'W ell, I wis h you luc k,' I s aid, thinking that he would c ertainly need it. I c arried the drinks over to the regulars , and the landlord returned to the lounge bar. T hom as Um pleby rais ed his pint. ''E re's to us , all on us , an' m e an' all. May we nivver want nowt, none of us , nor m e neither. Good 'ealth, Mes ter P hinn.' ''A s tha s ooarted out them s quirrels yet, then?' Harry as ked m e. 'Y es , all s orted out,' I s aid. 'T ha got rid on 'em , then?' 'Y es , I got rid of them .' 'W hat's this about s quirrels ?' as ked George. ''E 's 'ad an hinfes tation,' Harry told him . 'T wo ac tually,' I s aid, 'but they've gone.' 'T hat's what thy thinks ,' c huc kled Harry. 'T hey'll be bac k. Markm y words .' E ver the prophet of doom , I thought.

'W e us ed to eat s quirrels , tha knaas ,' s aid George. 'E at them ?' I exc laim ed. 'I'm telling thee, m y owld m am us ed to c ook'em ,' s aid George. 'A n' they were very tas ty, an' all. My owld m am us ed to m ekone o' them s tews wi' taties an' c arrots and onions . T as ted a bit like rabbit.' 'I like rabbit,' s aid Chris tine, 'but I don't think I c ould bring m ys elf to eat s quirrel and c ertainly not c ook it.' 'S om etim es it were t'only thing what there were to eat,' s aid George. 'W hen I were a lad, tim es was 'ard. Many's t'tim e we 'ad to m ekdo wi' bread an' jam an' what we c ould s c avenge from fields an' hedgerows . It were quite a treat to 'ave s quirrel 'ot-pot.' He tooka gulp of beer. 'A ye, tim es were 'ard, all reight, but we was 'appy.' 'More than c an be s aid for us now,' grum bled Harry. 'T ha reight theer,' agreed George. 'A ye,' s ighed Harry s adly. 'Com e on, you two m is ery-guts , s top yer m oanin' and a-groanin',' s aid T hom as . 'T ha two are abaat as 'appy as a pair o' funeral bells .' 'W hat about a poem , Mr Um pleby,' I s aid. 'Nay, I'm not reight in t'm ood for poetry today, if truth be towld,' he replied. 'Oh, pleas e,' pleaded Chris tine. 'Gu on then,' he s aid, taking very little pers uading. 'J us t for thee, Mis s is P hinn, but only one m ind, I'm not doin' no epic s today. I'll give thee 'T he Laugh of a Child'. Mi s ainted m other, God res t her s oul, us ed to rec ite this . It were one of 'er favourites . S he did a s am pler of it when s he were a little 'un. B eautiful it is . I 'ave it on m i wall.' T he old m an s tood and, with one arm outs tretc hed, he dec laim ed his poem in a voic e as brac ing as a Y orks hire m oor, and as c lear and s parkling as the s inging bec ks . Luv it! Luv it! 'T is the laugh of a c hild, Now ripplin', now gentle, now m erry and wild. It rings in t'air with t'innoc ent c us h Like t'trill of yon bird at t'twilight's s oft 'us h. It floats on yon breeze like t'toll of a bell, Or t'm us ic whic h dwells in t'heart of a s hell. 'T is bes t m us ic of all, s o wild and s o free 'T is m erries t s ound in t'whole world to m e! W e all applauded vigorous ly, and would have s tam ped our feet on the ground had we been able to reac h the floor but the s tools were too high; ins tead, we banged our glas s es on the table. T he young landlord appeared at the bar. 'Could you keep the nois e down in here, pleas e?' he as ked. 'Y ou're dis turbing the other c us tom ers in the lounge. A nd,' he added, 'all breakages will have to be paid for.' 'Y ou know, I do feel s orry for Harry and his pals ,' s aid Chris tine later when we were bac kat the c ottage. S he tooka s team ing c as s erole out of the oven and plac ed it on the table. 'T hat s m ells good,' I s aid, c reeping up behind her and kis s ing her on the nec k. 'T hey were s o out of plac e s itting on thos e horrible m odern s tools . T hey looked like parrots on a perc h. A nd there was c ertainly no need for the landlord to s ay what he did.' 'Y ou're the bes t c ookin Y orks hire, Mrs P hinn, do you know that?' I s aid, lifting the lid of the large m etal dis h and s niffing the c ontents . 'Mm m m m .' 'T hey looked quite pathetic . Like fis h out of water. A nd you s hould have s een poor Mr Um pleby's fac e when he was told to be quiet.' 'I thought they were parrots on a perc h?' 'Y ou know what I m ean. It's s uc h a pity,' s he s aid. 'T hat traditional eighteenth-c entury inn with its tim ber fram es , oak beam s and hors e bras s es .' 'Y ou've c hanged your tune,' I s aid. 'Y ou were all for c hange before we went out.' 'T hat was before I s aw the c hanges ,' s he s aid. 'T he plac e now looks s o ps eudo. It's los t all its c harac ter.' 'T here's always the Golden B all,' I s aid. 'T hey c ould go bac k there.' 'T hat's wors e.' 'T hey'll get us ed to the c hanges ,' I s aid dis m is s ively. 'Now, c an we eat? I'm s tarving.' 'I don't think they will ever get us ed to the c hanges ,' Chris tine replied. 'A nd, yes , we are ready to eat. W ill you c all to Mum ? S he'll be ups tairs putting Ric hard down for his s leep.' I s houted up the s tairs , then turned bac k to Chris tine. 'Now the landlord at the Royal Oak-' 'T he Oak, you m ean.' 'T he Oak, then. Y ou have to adm it that he's a vas t im provem ent on the las t m is erable s pec im en.' 'Now who's c hanged his tune?' 'A nd he is m aking a bit of an effort to brighten up the plac e.' 'W ell, I didn't like him - or his dec or,' s aid Chris tine. 'A t leas t he s m iled,' I s aid, 'and we didn't have to wait an age for the drinks .' 'W ell, I didn't like him ,' s he repeated. 'He had c lam m y hands .' 'Look, Chris tine, I'm s tarving,' I s aid. 'Can we eat?' Chris tine's m other appeared in the kitc hen. 'Hello, Mum , all well?' s he s aid. A s s he ladled out the s team ing c as s erole, I s aid grac e in the s tyle of T hom as Um pleby, a true Y orks hire grac e: 'God bles s us all and m ekus able, to eayt all t's tuff 'at's on this table.' T hen I as ked, 'W hat are we eating by the way? It s m ells delic ious .' 'I'm trying out an old Y orks hire rec ipe,' s he told m e, her eyes full of m is c hief. 'V ery traditional. It's c alled ec ureuil bourguignonne.' 'A nd what's that when it's at hom e?' I as ked. 'S quirrel hot-pot! ' s he replied.

13 T he Reverend P erc ival Feathers tone, Chairm an of the Governing B ody at S t Margaret's Churc h of E ngland P rim ary S c hool, was a s tern-looking c leric with a s izeable hawkis h nos e, grey s trands of hair c om bed ac ros s an otherwis e bald head, and heavy-lidded eyes . His large eyebrows m et above his nos e giving one the im pres s ion that he was perm anently s c owling. B ec aus e he wore thin, gold-fram ed s pec tac les and s ported great bus hy grey s ideburns , he looked every inc h the V ic torian pars on. I c ould vis ualis e this grim ly-s erious figure walking the s treets of B arc hes ter for he looked as if he had s tepped out of the pages of T rollope's m os t c elebrated novel. I had ins pec ted S t Margaret's at the end of the previous term and had prom is ed to m ake a return vis it to the s c hool - an aus tere V ic torian grey s tone building adjac ent to the c hurc h in the village of Hutton-with-B rans ton - at the beginning of the new ac adem ic year to go through m y c onc lus ions and rec om m endations . P rom pted by the s ituation that had aris en at Uggles m atters by J unior S c hool, I had quic kly arranged a vis it. Fortunately for m e, and in a quite unexpec ted way, things s eem ed to have s orted them s elves out with regard to Ugglem atters by. T he firs t m eeting with the headteac her, Mrs B raddoc k-S m ith, and the governors of the Infant S c hool, where I had outlined the s ugges tions for the am algam ation, had gone am azingly s m oothly and everyone pres ent had been s trongly in favour of the rec om m endation. T he m eeting with the head-teac her, Mr Harris on, and governors of the J uniors , had been les s good hum oured but, again, it appeared that m y luc ky s tar was s hining brightly for the predic ted 'fly in the ointm ent', Counc illor S idebottom , was 'down with the flu' and c ouldn't attend the m eeting. A ll in all, things s eem ed to be working out fairly well. S t Margaret's had an exc ellent reputation for c reative arts and Mrs K ipling, the headteac her, a s m all wiry-haired wom an with s m iling eyes , was a regular delegate on S idney's art c ours es . In fac t, it was rum oured that s he had quite a c rus h on him . During the s um m er ins pec tion, I had been given pride of plac e in the front row to watc h the end-of-term m us ic al c onc ert. T he c hoir had s ung c onfidently and with genuine enthus ias m , the s m all bras s band had played with gus to, and the twin girls playing the piano duet had been m os t im pres s ive. B ut the s tar of the s how had been a boy of eleven who had delighted the audienc e with a s elec tion of violin s olos . W hen he had finis hed, the applaus e had been loud and enthus ias tic and the boy, with a m as s ive grin on his fac e, had taken a very low and prolonged bow. A fter the c onc ert, I had gone bac ks tage to c ongratulate the young perform ers . 'Y ou were exc ellent,' I had told the budding P aganini. 'Oh, thanks , s ir,' the boy had replied. 'I was really, really nervous with all thos e people out there and m y violin teac her as well. W hen m is s s aid we'd got a s c hool ins pec tor in the front row, I thought I'd be s ure to fluff it.' 'W ell, your nerves didn't s how,' I had told him . 'A nd I was im pres s ed with that very profes s ional bow at the end. Y ou looked like a s eas oned perform er.' 'Oh, the bow,' the boy had s aid. 'T he reas on I bent s o low was to c hec k the front of m y trous ers to s ee if I'd wet m ys elf.' A fter m y ins pec tion the previous term , I had written a very pos itive report but I gues s ed that the c hairm an of governors , the fears om e-looking Mr Feathers tone, would have s om ething to s ay on this T ues day afternoon. I had s pent a c ouple of hours in the c las s room s , and was now s itting in the headteac her's s tudy, together with the c lergym an in ques tion. His thin white hands were c las ped before him and darkeyes s tared pointedly at m e, nodding s lowly and s olem nly as I talked through m y report and m y findings . He looked dram atic ally tight-lipped and thoughtful. T he headteac her, s itting next to him , awaited his res pons e. T he c leric took a deep and audible breath and rubbed his long nos e. 'S o,' he s aid finally, 'things s eem to be very m uc h in order then, Mr P hinn.' He didn't look all that pleas ed, I thought. 'Yes , indeed,' I replied c hirpily. 'In fac t, Mrs K ipling and her s taff s hould be c om m ended for all their hard work and dedic ation. T his is a very good s c hool with m any outs tanding features . T he c hildren workhard, ac hieve good res ults and their behaviour appears to be good. A s you have heard, there are only a few m inor is s ues to be addres s ed.' 'V ery gratifying, I'm s ure,' s aid the c hairm an of governors s onorous ly, again s troking his nos e. He thought for a m om ent before c ontinuing. 'I have to s ay that I had little doubt that the s c hool would rec eive a prais eworthy report but it is good to have one's obs ervations reinforc ed. I was partic ularly pleas ed to hear that the c hildren's religious educ ation was s atis fac tory.' T here was another long paus e. 'I think I m entioned to you at our las t m eeting, Mr P hinn,' he c ontinued, 'that I am deeply s addened by the c hildren's lac kof biblic al knowledge generally.' 'Y es ,' I replied, 'and I think I s aid that this is c ertainly the c as e in m any s c hools I vis it, although I have to s ay that the pupils here do s eem to have a better knowledge than m os t. Children do not, as a rule, know as m uc h about the B ible as they us ed to do.' T he vic ar took a deep breath and s tared heavenwards . 'V ery regrettable,' he s ighed. 'I think this s c hool endeavours to c reate the Chris tian ethos while c ons idering other people's beliefs , as indeed it s hould do. B ut you know, it is all very well c hildren learning about other religions , c ultures and ways of life, but we are living in a Chris tian c ountry and I think firs t and forem os t they s hould have a good grounding in Holy S c ripture and a s ound knowledge of J es us . It is s o im portant that c hildren know about Him and His works . A rc hdeac on Ric hards was only telling m e las t week that he was addres s ing an as s em bly at a s c hool in Fettles ham las t E as ter and was telling the c hildren that J es us had ris en from the dead and had returned to s ee His dis c iples . He as ked the c hildren if they knew what words J es us had s poken when He walked through the door to fac e His apos tles . One c hild apparently s tood up, threw out his arm s like a m agic ian and s houted, "T a-da! "' 'Oh dear,' I s aid, biting m y lip to hide a s m ile. 'A rc hdeac on Ric hards als o told m e about the tim e,' c ontinued the c leric , 'he was telling the c hildren the parable of the Feeding of the Five T hous and. He as ked the c hildren what im portant les s on J es us had taught to the m ultitude. He was s addened, as I frequently am , by the one ans wer he rec eived: "Rem em ber to take your litter hom e with you."' I c ould have added to the c leric 's s tories . I was onc e addres s ing an as s em bly at a s c hool in B artondale and as ked the c hildren who the Good S hepherd was . One bright s parkhad waved his hand in the air. 'I know! I know! ' he'd c ried. 'It's J ac k Farrell. Mi dad rec kons 'e's not los t a s heep in fotty years .' In another s c hool, the s tudent teac her had as ked if the c hildren c ould rem em ber the nam e of the fam ous K ing of B abylon m entioned in the B ible whom they'd been reading about the previous week. S he pers evered for a tim e, trying to elic it the ans wer, until one boy told her wearily, 'Mis s , nae bugger c an tell ya.' 'V ery good,' s he replied, 'well tried, but try to rem em ber that the nam e is pronounc ed Nebuc hadnezzar.' 'It's all very regrettable,' c ontinued Mr Feathers tone now, 'and s o very depres s ing.' It was obvious he was getting well and truly into his s tride. 'I am afraid we live in a s ec ular and affluent s oc iety, Mr P hinn, in a world of what I c ons ider quite uns uitable televis ion program m es , loud m us ic , c onvenienc e foods and expens ive holidays . I m ay s ound a little old-fas hioned, but I do s om etim es des pair at the way things are going.' 'T im es do c hange,' I m urm ured. 'Omnia mutantur nos et mutamur in illis ,' he intoned. 'I'm s orry?' s aid Mrs K ipling. 'A ll things c hange and we c hange with them ,' I s aid. 'I am glad you know a little Latin, Mr P hinn,' s aid the vic ar. 'T hat is another of m y regrets - the dec line in the teac hing of the c las s ic s in s c hools .' 'I rec all that we had a c onvers ation about c hris tenings the las t tim e we m et, Mr Feathers tone,' I rem inded the c leric . 'A bout all the unus ual nam es that parents give their c hildren.' 'Indeed,' he s aid s troking his long nos e again. 'S o m any c hildren thes e days are nam ed after pop s tars , footballers and televis ion pers onalities . It's the c ult of the c elebrity. T he old biblic al nam es s eem to be fas t dis appearing - S am uel and S im on, Mary and Mic hael, J os eph and J am es are now replac ed by Dean and Darren, Carlie and Crys tal, S hane and S harlene. A nd s om e parents give little thought to the fac t that their c hildren, when they arrive at s c hool, have to c ope with s om e quite bizarre nam es . I've even had a reques t to c hris ten a c hild K ipper! K ipper, I as k you? I really think it very unkind to s addle a c hild with s uc h an unus ual nam e.' 'I have c om e ac ros s s om e very unus ual nam es , too,' I s aid. 'I've m et c hildren c alled W alter W all, Dunc an B is c uit, T eres a Green, B rent W illey, Ros e B us h, and one c hild with the s urnam e P ipe who was burdened with a firs t nam e of Duane.' 'Dear m e,' s ighed the c lergym an. 'Do you rec all, Mrs K ipling, when we had the S m out c hildren here?' 'I do,' replied the headteac her. 'T here was P aris S m out, V ienna S m out, S eville S m out. It is jus t as well the parents didn't go on a City B reak to B rus s els .' S he c hortled gently. 'Indeed,' s ighed Mr Feathers tone, without the trac e of a s m ile. 'I have a pet theory about firs t nam es ,' s aid Mrs K ipling. 'Over the m any years I have been in educ ation, I have c om e to the c onc lus ion that S hakes peare got it wrong when he s aid that "a ros e by any other nam e would s m ell as s weet". I learned very early on that boys c alled Ric hard tend to be well behaved, quiet c hildren who workhard, Matthews are very polite and thoughtful, Dom inic s are little c harm ers , Dam iens have far too m uc h to s ay for them s elves and K evins are ac c ident-prone. P enelopes tend to be lively and interes ted, T rac eys too big for their boots and E lizabeths little darlings .' 'A nd what about m e?' I as ked. 'W hat are little boys like with a nam e s uc h as m ine?' Mr Feathers tone looked in m y direc tion. 'I don't think I know your Chris tian nam e, Mr P hinn,' he s aid. 'Gervas e,' I told him , s m iling. 'Really?' he m urm ured. 'How very droll.' W hen the vic ar had departed, I went through the s c hool report in greater detail with the headteac her. 'Y our c hairm an of governors does have a bit of a bee in his bonnet about the lac k of religion in people's lives and the dec line in the teac hing of s c ripture in s c hools ,' I obs erved. 'I gues s he c an be rather diffic ult at tim es .' 'He's ac tually a very c aring and c om m itted pries t,' s aid Mrs K ipling, s pringing to the c leric 's defenc e. 'He s pends a deal of tim e in the s c hool, and he enc ourages the c hildren to vis it the c hurc h. He m ight look a little s evere, Mr P hinn, but appearanc es c an be dec eptive. Rem em ber the parable of the Good S am aritan? Underneath that rather hard s hell, Mr Feathers tone is a very kindly m an and has been m os t s upportive of m e pers onally. Y ou m ight be s urpris ed to hear that his c hurc h is full on S undays and people c om e a fair dis tanc e to hear him preac h.' 'Really?' I s aid with s om e am azem ent. 'W e had a wonderful Harves t Fes tival at S t Margaret's c hurc h the S unday before las t, and every elderly pers on in the village rec eived a ham per of food delivered by the c hildren and then a vis it from Mr Feathers tone. He als o rais es a great deal of m oney for the Children's S oc iety. W hen I s tarted as headteac her here, I took the c hildren over to the c hurc h. T he little ones , m uc h to the teac hers ' em barras s m ent, were rather bois terous and nois y and we were about to take them out when Mr Feathers tone s topped us . I was quite taken with what he s aid. "P leas e don't worry about a bit of nois e," he told m e. "To m e, there is nothing like the s ound of little c hildren's voic es ." Y es ,' s he c onc luded, 'I c ons ider m ys elf very fortunate to have s om eone s o ac tively interes ted in the life and work of the s c hool.' 'W ell, I'm very pleas ed to hear it, Mrs K ipling,' I s aid. 'T o be hones t, I would never have gues s ed, from lis tening to him , that your c hairm an of governors was s o s upportive and pos itive. He s eem s s om ewhat dour to m e.' 'He's a m os t thoughtful and gentle-natured m an, is Mr Feathers tone,' s he s aid, 'a m an of high princ iples and unc om prom is ing views . He's als o c hairm an of governors at S t Cuthbert's High S c hool, you know, and las t s um m er was as ked by the headm as ter to ac t as S olom on in the c as e of the c ric ket nets .' 'T hat s ounds intriguing,' I s aid. 'T hree girls in the s ixth form ,' c ontinued Mrs K ipling, 'were up before the headm as ter for vandalis m . T hey had taken a pair of s c is s ors and had c ut holes in the new and expens ive c ric ket nets . T he headm as ter, a pas s ionate c ric keter him s elf, was not well pleas ed, as you m ight im agine, dis c overing his prec ious nets wilfully dam aged. Mr Feathers tone was as ked to arbitrate, and he took the s ide of the s tudents .' 'If you were to as k m e, it s eem s a pretty open and s hut c as e,' I told Mrs K ipling. 'T here s eem s to be no exc us e for hac king holes in brand new c ric ket nets .' 'W ell, it's not as s im ple as that,' the headteac her told m e, a s m all s m ile playing on her lips . 'Y ou s ee, the girls who were on their way ac ros s the s c hool fields and were pas s ing the c ric ket s quare c am e on a s quirrel entangled in the nets .' 'A s quirrel?' I m outhed. W hen, I thought to m ys elf, will I be free from m ention of the pes ky little tree rats ? 'It was trying des perately to extric ate its elf, poor, exhaus ted c reature, but with no s uc c es s and the m ore it tried to untangle its elf, the m ore it bec am e enm es hed. S o the girls c ut away the netting and freed it.' 'T hey freed it?' I repeated. 'Mr Feathers tone was very im pres s ed with their ac tions and rem inded us of the hym n "A ll things bright and beautiful, all c reatures great and s m all" etc . He c ons idered it to be a very noble ac t.' Mrs K ipling paus ed. 'I m ean, Mr P hinn, who would want to s ee a little s quirrel harm ed?' 'W ho indeed,' I m urm ured. T he S taff Developm ent Centre looked partic ularly c lean and bright when I arrived there later that afternoon to prepare for a c ours e I was to direc t the following day. S inc e I had las t been in the Centre, everything - the walls , c eiling, window fram es , s helving and c upboards - had been painted a s tartling white, whic h gave the building the appearanc e of a hos pital. It had a m os t unfriendly atm os phere. A s I headed for the kitc hen area to m ake m y pres enc e known to Connie, I pas s ed a veritable gallery of new and very c ons pic uous s igns , written in large red lettering: S T RICT LY NO S MOK ING! T HIS DOOR MUS T NOT B E US E D A S A N E NT RA NCE OR A N E X IT . DO NOT B LOCK T HE FIRE DOORS . RE T URN A LL CROCK E RY T O T HE K IT CHE N A FT E R US E . NO FOOD T O B E CONS UME D IN T HE ME E T ING ROOMS . Calling in at the Gents , I found another s elec tion of s trident ins truc tions : NOW W A S H Y OUR HA NDS ! DO NOT DE P OS IT FORE IGN B ODIE S DOW N T HE T OILE T ! T URN OFF TA P S A FT E R US E ! A nd on eac h of the toilet doors the s om ewhat am biguous injunc tion: IN CA S E OF FIRE E VA CUAT E IMME DIA T E LY ! I found Connie, in her regulation pinkoverall, up her s tepladder s c raping paint off a window with a vic ious -looking kitc hen knife. Her fac e, beneath an oc ean of c opper-c oloured c urls , was red with exertion. 'If you want a c up of anything, you'll have to get it yours elf,' s he told m e bluntly. 'I'm bus y.' 'S o I s ee,' I s aid. 'I s pent all day Monday on m y hands and knees and I'm s till not finis hed. T he m es s thos e dec orators have left behind! ' s he c om plained, attac king a partic ularly s tubborn bit of paint. 'More like defec ators than dec orators . T hey were wors e than Mr Clam p on a bad day, and that's s aying s om ething. Only lads by the look of them , and I rec kon the las t tim e they had a paintbrus h in their hands they were in the infant s c hool. I had to tell them to do m y pelm ets again and touc h up the s kirting boards . T here's paint everywhere. More on the floor than on the walls .' 'W ell, the Centre looks a lot better,' I s aid. Connie s topped s c raping, s wivelled round and peered down at m e. 'Does it?' s he s napped. 'W ell, it's c leaner and brighter for one thing.' 'Mr P hinn,' s he s aid looking down from the s tepladder and wielding the knife like Lady Mac beth on the battlem ents of Glam is Cas tle, 'what are you inc inerating? I'll have you know, this Centre is alw ay s c lean and bright. I m akes s ure of that. You'll have all on to find s o m uc h as a s pec kof dus t, a m arked wall or a s c uffed floor in the building.' 'Of c ours e,' I s aid quic kly. 'I didn't m ean it was dirty or anything like that. Y ou always keep the Centre pris tine.' 'P ris s y-what?' 'S potles s , in an exc ellent s tate of c leanlines s and c are.' 'W ell, what did you m ean then when you s aid it looked a lot better?' s he as ked s harply, in no way m ollified. 'I m eant it looks ...' I s truggled for the right word. 'It looks ... whiter.' 'W hiter?' s he repeated. 'T he paint. It m akes it look whiter.' 'W ell, of c ours e it does ,' s he s aid. 'It's white paint they've us ed. I m us t s ay for the ins pec tor in c harge of E nglis h you do s ay s om e funny things .' I left her at her labours , m ade m ys elf a c up of c offee and headed for the m eeting room to prepare m y c ours e. It was n't long before Connie joined m e. 'How m any are c om ing on your c ours e?' s he as ked. 'It's jus t that I have to know the num bers for the refres hm ents .' 'A bout twenty,' I told her. 'Is that all?' 'Y es , that's all.' 'I don't know how that Mr Clam p does it,' s he told m e. 'T hey queue up to get on hi s c ours es . I wouldn't give them the tim e of day m ys elf but they're always full to burs ting. S am e with Dr Mullarkey. S he never has les s than thirty c om ing on hers and they always go away s aying how wonderful they are.' 'T hank you, Connie,' I s aid. 'T hat m akes m e feel a whole lot better.' 'A nyway, I c an't tell you how glad I was to s ee the bac k of the dec orators .' 'Y es , I bet you were pleas ed,' I s aid. 'P leas ed?' s he c ried. 'P leas ed? I was ec s tatic al. Y ou would never believe the c arry-on we had here las t week. It was enough to drive a pers on to drink. Fire alarm going off, fire brigade, am bulanc e, param edic s , hos pitalis ation - you nam e it, we've had it.' 'W hy? W hat happened?' I s hould never have as ked. Connie perc hed on the s ide of a des k. 'One of the dec orators , a young lad, not s tarted s having yet by the look of him and with m ore s ilver rings through his ears than they have in a jeweller's s hop and a head as bald as a c oot, ended up in Cas ualty.' 'His nam e was n't K evin, by any c hanc e?' I as ked, thinking of Mrs K ipling's as s ertions about nam es that I had heard earlier that day. 'I thinkit was , as a m atter of fac t,' s aid Connie. 'W hy, do you know him ?' 'No, it was jus t a wild gues s .' 'W ell, this K evin ended up in hos pital with a broken leg,' Connie told m e. 'Ladders c an be dangerous ,' I s aid. 'I nearly fell off a ladder las t weektrying to m end the guttering on our c ottage. I brought the whole lot down and nearly ended up flat on m y bac k. A nd y ou want to be c areful, Connie, up that s tepladder of yours .' 'Oh, he didn't fall off a ladder,' s aid Connie. 'He was s itting on the toilet.' 'How on earth do you breaka leg s itting on the toilet?' I as ked, intrigued. 'I'll tell you, if you let m e finis h,' s he s aid. 'His m ate, S hane I think they c alled him , legarthic individual with m ore hair than a s heepdog, had jus t finis hed painting the toilet doors in the Gents and before he s ets off hom e he goes and puts his brus hes in a jar of turpentine s ubs titute to s top them getting hard. A nyway, next m orning the s illy lad pours the c ontents of the jar down the toilet bowl but does n't think to flus h the toilet. Fanc y putting inflam m atory m aterial down the toilet. T hen this S hane goes off to paint the doors in the Ladies . In goes this K evin into the Gents - he was another gorm les s piec e of work- and he s its on the toilet and lights up a c igarette.' 'Oh, no,' I s aid. I c ould predic t what was to follow. 'I told them when they s tarted it was a no-s m oking environm ent but they jus t don't lis ten, youngs ters , thes e days , do they? J us t do as they want. He thought he'd have a s urreptitious s m oke, didn't he? W ell, he's learnt his les s on good and proper this tim e, I c an tell you. It's not the bes t way of giving up s m oking but I bet it will be a while before he has another c igarette after that fandango.' 'S o what happened?' I as ked, as if I didn't know. 'W hen he'd finis hed his c igarette, what does he do?' 'P uts it down the toilet bowl?' I s ugges ted, with a s trangled expres s ion. 'Y es ,' s aid Connie, 'he puts the lighted tab-end down the toilet and he does it while he's s till s itting there.' 'Oh no! ' 'Oh yes . T here was this great big flas h and the next thing you know he's em erging from the Gents , s c ream ing and s houting, his overalls around his ankles and jum ping down the c orridor like a kangaroo with rabies . Fortunately for him , I've been on a firs t-aid c ours e and did what I c ould. I c an tell you it was very em barras s ing for yours truly, not to m ention the lad him s elf, with m e having to put all m y c lean dis hc loths and tea-towels on that partic ular part of his anatom y.' 'B ut how did he break his leg?' I as ked. 'I'm c om ing to that,' s aid Connie. 'I c alled the am bulanc e and it was here in quic ktim e and the lad was c arted off, m oaning and groaning, wriggling and writhing, to the Royal Infirm ary. "S o how did it happen?" as ks one of the am bulanc e m en as they were c arrying the injured party down the s teps at the front of the Centre. W ell, when I told him he began to laugh and this s tarted the other am bulanc e m an off laughing and they laughed s o m uc h that they dropped the s tretc her and this K evin broke a leg.' 'Y ou are joking,' I s aid. 'A s God is m y judge. T hey jus t c reas ed up and the lad was tipped off of the s tretc her, rolled down the s teps and he broke a leg.' 'It's like a W hitehall farc e,' I s aid. 'A nd how is the lad?' 'Oh, he's getting on all right,' Connie told m e. 'I phoned the hos pital this m orning and he's on the m end.' Connie s tood and brus hed the c reas es out of her overall. 'Mind you,' s he s aid, 'there was one good thing about it all.' 'W hat's that?' I as ked. 'He'd finis hed painting the Centre before he had the ac c ident.'

14 T he firs t s c hool vis its of the following week were to the prim ary s c hool at Foxton in the m orning and then to Hawthwaite Infant S c hool in the afternoon. In the firs t s c hool, I was due to obs erve the les s ons of a young probationary teac her, and in the s ec ond a teac her who was only in his s ec ond year of teac hing. It was one of the ins pec tors ' res pons ibilities to as s es s the c om petenc y of thos e new to the profes s ion by obs erving their les s ons three or four tim es over the c ours e of their firs t year, evaluating their teac hing, as s es s ing their planning m aterials and exam ining the c hildren's exerc is e books and tes t s c ores . If the ins pec tor felt that a new entrant pos s es s ed the nec es s ary ability and knowledge and m aintained good c las s room c ontrol, the teac her would pas s the probationary year and be deem ed fully qualified to enter the profes s ion. It was unders tandably a nerve-rac king tim e for m any a young teac her to have to perform with a s c hool ins pec tor s itting at the bac k of the c las s room with his c lipboard on his lap and his pen pois ed, watc hing everything going on, and there had been oc c as ions when the les s on had not gone as well as it s hould have bec aus e of the teac her's nerves or s om e unexpec ted oc c urrenc e. T hat m orning at Foxton there was indeed a s urpris e in s tore for m e. Foxton S c hool was a s prawling, flat-roofed s truc ture erec ted in the 1950s to c ater for the c hildren who lived on the large c ounc il es tate s urrounding it. A s a building, it had little of c harac ter; it was a purely utilitarian c ons truc tion with large c las s room s , huge s quare, m etal-fram ed widows , long narrow c orridors and a m ulti-purpos e hall. In s um m er the s c hool was a hothous e, in winter it was ic ily c old. T he floors c ons is ted of brown rec ons tituted tiles and the s helving was of the c heap-looking plas tic -c oated variety. T he field to the rear of the building, des pite the notic es , was us ed after s c hool and at weekends by dog-walkers to exerc is e their pets , would-be golfers prac tis ing their s trokes and adoles c ents on m otorbikes . B reak-ins and vandalis m were regular oc c urrenc es . K nowing the area that Foxton S c hool s erved, with its des erved reputation as being one of the m os t problem atic and s oc ially-deprived parts of the c ounty, I gues s ed that Mis s B ailey would need all the s upport and enc ouragem ent s he c ould get. On m y las t vis it, Mrs S m art, the head teac her, had lis ted for m e a whole c atalogue of diffic ulties fac ed by thos e who lived on the es tate: petty c rim e, drug-related problem s , abs entee fathers , poverty, unem ploym ent and low levels of literac y, all of whic h had a real im pac t on the c hildren's ac hievem ent. B ut s he was by nature a s teadfas tly optim is tic and enthus ias tic wom an, not given to c om plaint and s he was fortunate to lead a team of like-m inded c olleagues : keen, c om m itted, experienc ed teac hers who had a genuine c onc ern for the c hildren and their parents . B earing in m ind the c hildren's bac kground, the s c hool was ac hieving pretty good res ults . 'Mos t of the parents are the s alt of the earth,' the head teac her had told m e on m y las t vis it. 'T hey c aus e m e no trouble and, on the whole, they want the bes t for their c hildren. T hey have s o little and are s o very grateful for anything we do for them . W e have a breakfas t c lub s o c hildren c an s tart off the day with a m eal ins ide them . T here are regular jum ble s ales , bingo nights and s c hool dis c os . W ith the m oney we rais e, we're able to help the leas t fortunate fam ilies to buy the s c hool uniform . Many of the parents them s elves fell through the net in the s c hool s ys tem and a s urpris ing num ber are barely literate s o on one evening a weekwe have what we euphem is tic ally c all a 'B rus h Up Your E nglis h Group'. B as ic ally, it's to teac h them to read and write better s o they c an help their own c hildren with their s c hoolwork. S om etim es I have to s m ile,' s he had c ontinued. 'One young m other with four c hildren - s he c an't have been m uc h older than twenty - had real problem s filling in the form s when s he regis tered the c hildren to s tart s c hool, having jus t m oved into the area. S he knew the c hildren's dates of birth and who the fathers were but when I as ked if all the c hildren were natural born B ritis h c itizens s he told m e that the younges t c hild was born by Caes arean. W hen it got to "length of res idenc e" s he s aid it was about fifty feet although s he c ouldn't be s ure. I onc e as ked a young s ingle-parent m other, whos e s on had a wonderful head of c urly ginger hair, if the boy's father was redheaded, too. "I don't know," s he had told m e in all s erious nes s , "he kept his c ap on."' A s I drove to Foxton that m orning I thought about Mrs S m art, of her dedic ation and all the extra effort s he and her s taff m ade to better the lives of the c hildren, and I thought too of the c ynic al, lazy, nine-to-four teac hers at Ugglem atters by J unior S c hool. Clos ing that partic ular s c hool, I s aid to m ys elf, would be the bes t thing to do. I arrived at Foxton jus t as the bell, s hrill and perem ptory, s ounded for the s tart of s c hool and, after s igning in at the offic e, I joined the throng of c hattering c hildren as they m ade their way down the long c orridor to their various c las s room s . Mrs S m art was at her c las s room door and greeted m e with a broad s m ile. Unlike m any of her head teac her c olleagues , s he ins is ted on doing s om e teac hing, rather than s pending all her tim e in her offic e on adm inis tration. 'Good m orning, Mr P hinn,' s he s aid in a hearty, welc om ing voic e, 'and how are you this bright Monday m orning?' 'A ll the better for s eeing you, Mrs S m art,' I s aid. 'Here to s ee our new m em ber of s taff, are you?' 'Y es , but I thought I'd pop in to s ee you firs t.' 'A lways a pleas ure,' s he replied. 'I think you will find that I have dis c overed a real gem in Mis s B ailey. S he's s ettled in really well and the c hildren love her.' Mrs S m art, a s m all, tubby wom an with a jolly pinkis h fac e and large blue eyes , rem inded m e of a brightly-painted T oby jug one s ees dis played in old c ountry inns ; indeed, one c ould vis ualis e her pulling the pints with gus to. 'Com e into the c las s room for a m inute,' s he s aid, 'while I m ark the regis ter. I'm s ure the c hildren would like to m eet you.' T he c las s of eight- to nine-year-olds s tared at m e inquis itively as they filed into the room and took their s eats . 'S it up s m artly, c hildren,' the head teac her s aid. 'S traight bac ks , arm s folded, all eyes this way.' T he c hildren did as they were told. 'W e have a very im portant vis itor. T his is Mr P hinn, c hildren.' 'Good m orning, Mr P hinn,' the c hildren c hanted. 'Good m orning,' I replied. 'S om e of you m ight rem em ber Mr P hinn when he c am e into our s c hool las t tim e,' s aid Mrs S m art. 'I rem em ber him , m is s ! ' c alled out a boy with a thin-boned fac e, very s hort hair and large low-s et ears .' 'Y es , I thought you m ight rem em ber him , J us tin,' s aid the head teac her, glanc ing in m y direc tion and giving m e a knowing look. 'A s I rec all, you and Mr P hinn had a very interes ting c onvers ation at the s c hool offic e when you were s ent there to c ool off.' 'I c ouldn't s top winking,' s aid the boy, a c heeky grin s preading ac ros s his fac e. 'I do rem em ber,' I s aid, trying to s uppres s a s m ile. 'I am glad to s ay, Mr P hinn,' s aid the head teac her, 'that J us tin has now got out of the habit of winking at everybody.' 'I am very pleas ed to hear it,' I s aid in a m oc k-s erious tone of voic e. 'Now,' s aid Mrs S m art, addres s ing the c las s , 'before I c ollec t in the dinner m oney, are there any abs enc e notes ?' T hree c hildren c am e forward, two of who pas s ed the head-teac her s c raps of c rum pled paper. T he third c hild, a pale-fac ed girl with large glas s es and untidy hair, leaned over the teac her's des k. 'Mis s ,' s he s aid, 'm inim am s ays c an m i nam e be c hanged in t'regis ter?' 'W hatever for, Darlene?' as ked the headteac her. 'B ec aus e s he s aid s he dunt want m e c alled Darlene Nixon any m ore. S he wants m e to be c alled Darlene S m ith.' 'B ut why?' as ked the head teac her, c learly as puzzled as I was . 'B ec aus e m i dad keeps goin' off wi' wom en an' m y m am s ays s he's not 'avin' 'im bac k this tim e. Minim am 's s ic k of 'im goin' off wi' wom en an' then c om in' bac k an' c aus in' trouble s o s he dunt want 'im round t'hous e any m ore and s he s ays if 'e c om es to c ollec t m e from s c hool, I've not got to go wi' 'im .' T he c hild c ontinued hardly s eem ing to draw breath. 'A nyway, m i m am 's got a new boyfriend now an' 'e's m oved in wi' us , an' 'e's c alled Ron S m ith an' s he wants m e to 'ave 'is nam e.' 'I think I had better have a word with your m other, Darlene,' Mrs S m art told her. 'I c an't jus t c hange your nam e like that. T ell your m other that I'll write to her.' T he c hild c ontinued regardles s . 'B ut m i m am s ays you've got to c hange m i nam e to Darlene S m ith from now on c os s he's got this new boyfriend c alled Ron S m ith.' J us tin, who had been eaves dropping on the c onvers ation, nodded wis ely and rem arked, 'W e 'ad 'im - 'e were rubbis h! ' Mis s B ailey was a hands om e young wom an with a friendly s m ile and a lively, c heerful nature. W hen I obs erve young teac hers , I find I c an us ually tell within jus t a few m inutes how good he or s he really is ; it is the way they reac t to the c hildren. T he teac her m us t, of c ours e, be firs t and forem os t a perform er, able to interes t and entertain as well as having a s ound knowledge of their s ubjec t; they m us t be always in c om m and of the c las s room , their s tage, and em ploy the tec hniques of s eas oned ac tors . I was im pres s ed im m ediately by Mis s B ailey, who had that c ertain pres enc e. S he had a winning s m ile and a patient and even-tem pered m anner; it was c lear that the s ix-year-olds in her c are liked her enorm ous ly. T hey c lus tered around her des k, c hattering exc itedly about what they had been doing over the weekend and s everal had brought her little pres ents of flowers and s weets . 'It's m y birthday,' s he explained. 'I think Mrs S m art m us t have let the c at out the bag.' 'I s uppos e the las t thing you were expec ting on your birthday,' I told her, 'was a vis it from the s c hool ins pec tor.' 'I c ould think of a pleas anter pres ent,' s he replied good-hum ouredly. T he c las s room was tidy and c olourful, and it was obvious Mis s B ailey had m ade a real effort to provide a s tim ulating environm ent for the c hildren. If s he was nervous about m y vis it, Mis s B ailey c ertainly didn't s how it. I had an idea that the head teac her's as s es s m ent of her was s pot on. 'W e us ually have a s tory on Monday m ornings ,' Mis s B ailey told m e, s howing m e a large pic ture book with a c ollec tion of c olourful anim als and birds on the front c over. 'S o if you would like to join us in the reading c orner, Mr P hinn, we'll m ake a s tart.' W ithout being ins truc ted, the c hildren gathered around the teac her on the s m all s quare of c arpet, with m e s itting at the bac k. S om e of the infants yawned widely and rubbed the s leep out of their eyes , two s tuc k thum bs in their m ouths , while another began energetic ally poking his nos e with his index finger. One little s huffer, right at the front, not really on the c arpet, looked as if he were polis hing the floor with his bottom . I was grateful that I had not been prevailed upon to read a s tory on this oc c as ion. I had only jus t got over m y experienc e telling the tale of The Three B illy Goats Gruff. 'W e have a vis itor this m orning, c hildren,' s aid the teac her, 'and his nam e is Mr P hinn.' T he c hildren all s wivelled round and s tared at m e. 'I wonder what letter Mr P hinn's nam e begins with? W hat do you think, Dais y?' T he c hild rem oved her thum b from her m outh. '"F",' s he s aid. 'It's a good gues s , but it does n't. T he fin on the bac k of a s hark begins with the letter "f" but Mr P hinn's nam e begins with another letter.' S he s m iled at the little s huffer who was s till res tles s ly s hifting his pos ition. 'I bet P hilip knows .' '"D",' he s aid. 'T hink of your nam e, P hilip,' s aid the teac her. 'W hat does your nam e begin with?' T he c hild's hand s hot up in the air. '"P " and "h"! ' he s houted out. 'Good boy,' s aid the teac her. 'W ell, Mr P hinn's nam e is jus t like the beginning of your nam e. I bet Mr P hinn likes s tories , don't you, Mr P hinn?' 'Y es , indeed,' I replied. 'T his m orning's s tory, c hildren,' s he began, s howing her little audienc e the c over of the book and pointing to the title, 'is The Tale of Chic k en Lic k en. It's a s tory that m y m other us ed to read to m e when I was a little girl and it's about a rather s illy c hic ken that s preads a foolis h rum our.' 'Mis s ,' volunteered P hilip, 'we had c hic ken for dinner this S unday. I had the pars on's nos e.' 'Y uk,' s aid another. 'W e had s aus ages and c hips .' 'W e went out on S unday,' volunteered a third, 'to our Gran's .' 'I know you've all got lots to tell m e,' s aid the teac her, 'but if you keep interrupting, I'll never get on with the s tory. Now, let's all s it up s m artly, eyes front and pin bac k thos e little ears , and lis ten.' A s s oon as the teac her began reading, in a loud, expres s ive voic e, the c hildren turned their attention to her and lis tened intently. T hey were a pic ture: open-m outhed, wide-eyed, c om pletely s till, hanging on every word. S he c an tell a s tory rather better than I c an, I thought to m ys elf. '"Onc e upon a tim e there was a little c hic ken c alled Chic ken Lic ken. One day an ac orn fell from a tree and hit Chic ken Lic ken on the head."' 'I bet that hurt,' obs erved P hilip. 'I'm s ure it did,' s aid the teac her. 'A c onker fell on m y head onc e, m is s ,' s aid the c hild, 'and it really hurt.' 'P hilip,' s aid the teac her is a patient voic e, 'I would like you to lis ten. W e c an talk about you and your ac c ident with the c onker later. "Now, when the ac orn fell on Chic ken Lic ken's head, the s illy bird thought that the s ky was falling down s o he ran off to tell the king."' 'Mis s ,' interrupted P hilip, 'Chic ken Lic ken wouldn't be a he.' 'A nd why's that, P hilip?' as ked the teac her. 'B ec aus e a c hic ken would be a s he. If it was a he, it would be a c oc kerel.' T he teac her s m iled and s hook her head. 'Do you know, you're right, P hilip. I never thought of that. I s hall c hange it to a s he.' T he teac her c ontinued with the age-old s tory of the foolis h c hic ken that, on the way to tell the king that the s ky was falling down, m eets a s eries of gullible and equally s illy fowl that agree to join her on her trek. S he is joined by Henny P enny, Coc ky Loc ky, Duc ky Luc ky, Drakey Lakey, Goos ey Loos ey, T urkey Lurkey and finally by the wily predator, Foxy Loxy. Mis s B ailey bec koned with a long finger. '"I know where the king lives ," growled Foxy Loxy, "follow m e and I'll lead you there."' 'Mis s ,' interrupted P hilip again, 'Foxy Loxy wouldn't do that with a finger. Foxes don't have fingers , they have paws .' T he teac her s m iled and s hook her head again 'Y es , you're quite right, P hilip.' A t las t s he finis hed the tale where the c unning fox pers uades the c redulous birds to follow him to his den where they end up as his dinner. Mis s B ailey c los ed the book, paus ed and looked up at the c hildren. 'W hat a s illy c hic ken s he was , c hildren, was n't s he, and what foolis h birds to follow her. I wonder,' s he pondered, 'what the wis e old king would have s aid to Chic ken Lic ken when the s illy bird told him that the s ky was falling down. W hat do you think he would have s aid, P hilip?' T he little boy had s tarted to s huffe again and I gues s the teac her had as ked him the ques tion to gain his attention. 'P ardon, m is s ?' as ked the boy. 'I s aid, what do y ou think the wis e old king would have s aid if Chic ken Lic ken had told him that the s ky was falling down?' repeated the teac her. T he c hild thought for a m om ent and s c ratc hed his c hin before replying, 'B loody hell, a talking c hic ken! ' he s aid. A t the s ound of a s pluttering from the bac k, all the c hildren whirled round and witnes s ed the s c hool ins pec tor biting his fis t in an attem pt to s tem his laughter. A t m orning break, I dis c us s ed the les s on with Mis s B ailey. 'I'm glad you s aw the funny s ide,' the young wom an s aid. 'I always im agined that s c hool ins pec tors were rather s erious -m inded people and c ertainly not given to laughing out loud in c las s . I was expec ting P hilip to tell m e that the king told the anim als not to lis ten to s uc h a foolis h rum our. You jus t don't know what they will s ay, do you?' 'I think you will find, Mis s B ailey,' I s aid, 'that c hildren are a c ons tant s urpris e. T hey frequently s ay funny things , m ake am us ing m is takes , c ons c ious or otherwis e, and very often c om e out with the m os t unexpec ted c om m ents . One of the bes t piec es of advic e given to m e when I s tarted as a teac her in Rotherham was from the firs t head teac her I worked for, a s plendid m an c alled Dennis Morgan. "W ith young people," he onc e told m e, "always expec t the unexpec ted." I s uppos e that is why teac hing has got to be the m os t interes ting job in the world - nothing is predic table, every day is different, and you are in the c om pany of c hildren, whic h tends to keep you young at heart. E xpec t the unexpec ted,' I told her, 'and you'll not go far wrong.' I had s m iled when I s aw the c hildren giving Mis s B ailey her little birthday gifts . It rem inded m e of an oc c as ion a c ouple of years before when I was obs erving a probationary teac her in the s am e way as I was now. It was jus t before E as ter and an angelic -looking little girl had pres ented the teac her with a s m all bag of s ugar-c oated c hoc olate eggs . 'T hes e are for you, m is s ,' the c hild had whis pered s weetly, 'bec aus e you are m y very favourite teac her.' T he teac her had blus hed with em barras s m ent and obvious pleas ure. 'Oh, what a kind thought,' s he had s aid. 'A pres ent for the teac her. T hank you s o m uc h, A m y.' S he had given the c hild a pec k on the c heek. 'Do you think I m ight have one now?' T he little girl had nodded and watc hed as her teac her had popped one of the c hoc olate eggs in her m outh. A s m all boy had then approac hed the teac her's des k, with a little egg in the palm of his hand. 'T his is for you, m is s ,' he had told her. 'My goodnes s ,' the teac her had s aid, 'another pres ent. T hank you s o m uc h.' S he had popped that egg in her m outh - jus t as the s m all boy announc ed proudly, 'Our budgie laid it this m orning.' T hat had been a tim e when the s c hool ins pec tor had had to take c harge as the horrified teac her had bolted from the c las s room with a hand s lapped over her m outh. It had taken all m y powers of pers uas ion later in the s taff room to c onvinc e the poor young wom an that thes e things did s om etim es happen in the c las s room and that s he s hould be prepared for m any m ore in the years ahead. S he had brightened up when I had reas s ured her that I had judged her teac hing to be very good and that I would be rec om m ending that s he pas s ed her probationary year with flying c olours . I was pleas ed to give Mis s B ailey the very s am e reas s uranc e, telling her I fully endors ed the head teac her's opinion of her; s he was an exc ellent teac her. Driving bac k to the offic e, little P hilip's blunt obs ervation about Chic ken Lic ken brought to m ind an oc c as ion when s om ething s im ilar had happened to m e. I had been telling a group of infant c hildren at Crom pton P rim ary S c hool the s tory of The Three Little P igs . I had reac hed that part of the s tory where the wolf knoc ked on the c ottage door of the s ec ond little pig, the one who had built his hous e of s tic ks . 'A ll the s ec ond little pig wanted to do was s leep and play,' I had told them . 'He built his s tic k hous e quic kly and went ins ide to have a s leep but he was woken up by the deep, growling voic e outs ide. '"W ho's there?" c alled the s ec ond little pig. '"It's the B ig B ad W olf," s aid the B ig B ad W olf, "and if you don't let m e in, then by the hair on m y c hinny, c hin c hin, I'll huff and I'll puff, and I'll puff and I'll huff and I'll blow your hous e in! " '"No," s quealed the little pig, "I will not let you in." '"T hen by the hair of m y c hinny, c hin, c hin, I will blow your hous e in." A nd s o the B ig B ad W olf huffed and he puffed and he puffed and he huffed and he blew the hous e in and he gobbled up the little pig.' 'T he bas tard! ' had c om e a voic e from the bac k. It took m e a good hour and a half to get to Hawthwaite. For s everal m iles along a twis ting narrow s nake of a road, I was s tuc k behind a large c aravan as it m eandered and s wayed at a leis urely pac e. I bec am e inc reas ingly frus trated as the vehic le teetered along, the driver no doubt taking in the m agnific ent views ac ros s the panoram a of rolling green dales and entirely oblivious of the driver behind him . W hen I finally m anaged to overtake, the driver and his pas s enger, both extrem ely elderly people, gave m e a nonc halant wave and s m iled happily. I s ped pas t only to be s lowed down again when a trac tor pulled out of a field in front of m e. He m ight have waited, I growled to m ys elf: the E nglis h dis eas e, pulling out in front of c ars . I m anaged to get pas t eventually, only to c om e round a bend and find a herd of young bulloc ks bloc king m y path. T he c reatures filled the entire road, pus hing and bum ping eac h other, and lowing in c om plaint as the farm er and his c ollie dog c hivvied them along. W hen the c reatures turned into a field half a m ile further on, the herds m an als o gave m e a c as ual wave and a c heery s m ile as I drove pas t. It was no wonder that I arrived in Hawthwaite in a ferm ent. Hawthwaite Infant S c hool was in the c entre of one of thes e pic tures que Dales villages s o c om m on in the heart of the National P ark. It was s andwic hed between a row of c arefully-m aintained grey s tone c ottages with m ullioned windows and blue s late roofs and the im pos ing V ic torian vic arage. T he village had everything for thos e who des ired a c ountry life in idyllic s urroundings and was therefore extrem ely popular with c om m uters wealthy enough to afford the inflated hous e pric es , or weekenders who had the funds for a s ec ond hom e. Hawthwaite had an elegant Norm an c hurc h, a traditional c ountry inn, a village s tore, and an im m ac ulately kept village green in the c entre of whic h s tood an im pres s ive s tone m onu m ent built in honour of a pas t lord of the m anor. On a m ound a little out of the village were the ruins of a m edieval c as tle. I was looking forward to s itting in on the c las s of Mr P annet, who was in his s ec ond year of teac hing at Hawthwaite S c hool, bec aus e Geraldine's little boy, J am ie, was in his c las s and m y c olleague had s poken very highly of this partic ular young m an. W hen J am ie had s tarted s c hool, the us ually unflappable Dr Mullarkey had apparently been in a highly-agitated s tate. S he had des c ribed tearfully to J ulie how J am ie had c lung on to her pathetic ally when s he had tried to leave him , and then he had begun s c ream ing and s houting, tugging and writhing, begging to be taken hom e. S he had worried all day about him but, not wis hing to be the over-anxious parent, res is ted the tem ptation to c all the s c hool to s ee how he was . W e heard later that when Geraldine had gone to c ollec t J am ie at the end of the s c hool day, s he had found a happy s m iling little boy who didn't want to go hom e. 'W e do football, Mum m y,' J am ie had told his m other, pointing at his new teac her. 'A nd he c an pull funny fac es and play the guitar, and he tells s m as hing s tories .' Mr P annet was a fit-looking young m an with c los e-c ropped s andy hair. He had obvious ly prepared for m y vis it s inc e he wore c arefully-pres s ed grey flannel trous ers and a s m art blazer with s ilver buttons . He looked m ore like a young off-duty arm y offic er or c ity ac c ountant than an infants ' teac her. Des pite his form al appearanc e, Mr P annet was far from c onventional. He was loud and jolly and, like Mis s B ailey, he had the s am e s olic itous and kindly m anner with the c hildren. Far from being intim idated by the pres enc e of a s c hool ins pec tor, he appeared very m uc h at eas e and was keen to s how m e the work the c hildren were undertaking and all the topic s he had planned for the term . I knew that Mr P annet had a wry s ens e of hum our bec aus e Geraldine had regaled us in the offic e about the term 's firs t parents ' m eeting that had taken plac e the week before. S he told us that s he had been very c irc um s pec t with the s c hool about what s he did for a living. S he had thought that s hould Mr P annet learn that he taught the c hild of a s c hool ins pec tor, and one who pos s es s ed m ore degrees than a therm om eter, he m ight be s om ewhat daunted. T here was , of c ours e, little c hanc e of that for, as s he was s oon to dis c over, this c onfident young m an fully apprec iated his own abilities and was not retic ent in telling others . W hen s he had regis tered J am ie at the s c hool, Geraldine had m erely told the head teac her that s he worked in an offic e in Fettles ham . S inc e s he had never vis ited Hawthwaite in her c apac ity as a s c hool ins pec tor, the head teac her and the s taff were in ignoranc e about her profes s ion. Geraldine had told us in the offic e the next m orning that s he had been very pleas antly s urpris ed by this new entrant to the profes s ion who had dis played s uc h rem arkable s elf-as s uranc e at that firs t parents ' evening. Mr P annet had res ted a s olic itous hand on her arm , s he had s aid, and, in the m os t s ym pathetic of voic es , had told her that he unders tood how diffic ult it m us t have been bringing up a c hild alone, and if ever s he needed any help or advic e, Geraldine only had to as k. He c onfided that he was from a 'broken hom e' him s elf and went on to s ay that m any c hildren from one-parent fam ilies do very well in s c hool, as he had done, des pite what the news papers m ight s ay. He had leaned bac k in his c hair and told an am us ed Geraldine that it was fortunate her little boy had a m ale teac her s inc e J am ie, lac king a father, now had a m ale influenc e in his life. He had told her that it was extrem ely im portant that her s on was read to every night. 'Half an hour of reading before bedtim e,' he had told her, 'will bear the fruits of a lifetim e.' Mr P annet had then gone on to advis e m y c olleague how s he m ight help with J am ie's num ber work, his tory and s c ienc e. 'Young c hildren find s c ienc e partic ularly diffic ult,' the teac her had explained to the ins pec tor for S c ienc e and T ec hnology. W hen Geraldine had finally found the opportunity to get a word in, s he had told Mr P annet that her s on liked s c hool, was happy in his c las s and s eem ed to be c oping with the work very well. For her, that was all that m attered at this s tage in his educ ation. 'T hat's s uc h a s ens ible attitude,' Mr P annet had told her, s m iling s ym pathetic ally and again patting her arm . 'I jus t wis h all parents were like you, Ms Mullarkey.'

W hen J am ie had arrived at s c hool the next m orning, Mr P annet had told him that he had had a m os t interes ting little talk with his m other, and as ked what s he did in her offic e in Fettles ham . 'S he goes out in the m orning with a blac k bag,' the little boy had told his teac her, 'and c om es in late with a blac k bag.' 'Is s he a doc tor?' Mr P annet had as ked. 'S he is ,' the c hild had replied, 'but not a real one. S he's a s c hool ins pec tor.' W hen Geraldine had opened J am ie's reading book that evening, s he dis c overed an envelope addres s ed to Dr Mullarkey. It was from Mr P annet and all it c ontained was a s c rap of paper on whic h was written in large letters : 'Ha! Ha! B loody ha! '

15 T he Chief E duc ation offic er's headquarters , a large oakpanelled room in the m ain building at County Hall, s m elt of lavender furniture polis h and s eas oned wood. It was a s um ptuous room with a thic k-pile m aroon c arpet, heavy m ahogany c hairs uphols tered in dark green s im ulated leather with the c ounty c res t em blazoned in gold on their bac ks . Glas s -fronted bookc as es s toc ked with red leather-bound tom es lined one wall, and fram ed paintings by s om e of the c ounty's m os t talented c hildren were dis played on the other. A large pic ture window looked out over Fettles ham and up to the m oors beyond. T he Chief E duc ation offic er for the c ounty of Yorks hire s at at a huge partners ' des k s et in the m iddle of the room , res ting his elbows on the highly-polis hed s urfac e and s teepling his fingers before him . Dr Gore was a tall m an with deep-s et, earnes t eyes and the unabas hed gaze of one who knows his pos ition in the world. Next to him , s traight-bac ked and s evere, s at his P ers onal A s s is tant, the redoubtable Mrs B renda S avage, dres s ed in an expens ive dark tailored s uit with s m all gold buttons , a lilac s ilk s c arf at her throat and wearing an as s ortm ent of expens ive-looking jewellery. A s always s he looked im m ac ulate. 'Do s it down, will you, Gervas e,' s aid Dr Gore, indic ating a c hair fac ing his des k. 'T hank you for c om ing to s ee m e. I know how very bus y you are, es pec ially at this tim e of the year.' 'A s indeed we all are, Dr Gore,' obs erved Mrs S avage, c oc king her head in a s om ewhat arrogant fas hion. 'Quite,' s aid the CE O, nodding and giving her a c urs ory glanc e. 'Now, Gervas e, I have a little job for you.' I m ight have gues s ed as m uc h, I thought to m ys elf. Over the four years I had been a s c hool ins pec tor in the c ounty, I had been s um m oned to 'the holy of holies ', as J ulie term ed the CE O's offic e, about nine or ten tim es and on every oc c as ion I had left the room with one of Dr Gore's 'little jobs '. I had been as ked to c onduc t a c ountywide reading s urvey, undertake an audit of the s ec ondary s c hool libraries , inves tigate s tandards of s pelling, c hair working parties , ac c om pany m em bers of the E duc ation Com m ittee, foreign ins pec tors and im portant vis itors around s c hools , c om pile dis c us s ion papers and organis e a poetry fes tival. A nd they were never ever 'little jobs '. 'I have had a word with Mis s de la Mare,' c ontinued the CE O, uns teepling his fingers and tilting bac k in his large s wivel c hair, 'and s he agrees with m e that you are the pers on bes t plac ed to take on this partic ular little job.' He s m iled like a bas king s hark and fixed m e with the dark, heavy-lidded eyes . 'S tric tly s peaking, it does n't fall into your bailiwic k, but you have had the experienc e of organis ing c onferenc es and events and s uc h - very s uc c es s fully, too, I m ay add. I am s ure that this little job will not take up too m uc h of your tim e. Mrs S avage will, of c ours e, be working c los ely with you to deal with all the adm inis tration and to keep m e fully inform ed of developm ents .' 'S o, it's a c onferenc e you wis h m e organis e, is it, Dr Gore?' I as ked. 'Not as s uc h,' s aid the CE O. 'Muc h of the work was done early las t term when I s elec ted the s peakers and dis c us s ed the topic s for their lec tures . I jus t want you to deal with one or two as pec ts . You'll be pleas ed to hear it's not a m as s ive undertaking. Now,' he s aid, leaning forward again, 'you m ay or m ay not be aware that I have been elec ted the P res ident of NA CA DS for this ac adem ic year.' 'NA CA DS ,' I repeated. 'T he National A s s oc iation of Chief A dm inis trators and Direc tors of S c hools ,' explained Mrs S avage. 'T hank you, Mrs S avage,' s aid the CE O, holding up a hand to s top her s peaking, 'I am s ure Mr P hinn has heard of NA CA DS .' Mr P hinn had not heard of NA CA DS but, if he had, he m ight very well have s ugges ted a m ore s uitable ac ronym . 'It is the only oc c as ion in the his tory of the as s oc iation,' s aid Mrs S avage, 'when a m em ber of c ounc il has been elec ted a s ec ond tim e. Dr Gore was the pres ident s om e twelve years ago and has been prevailed upon to s erve again. It is quite a feather in the c ap for Dr Gore and, indeed, for the c ounty.' 'B e that as it m ay,' s aid Dr Gore, giving a thin-lipped s m ile whic h c onveyed little m ore than a s light interes t in what his PA was s aying, 'in m y c apac ity as the P res ident of NA CA DS , it falls upon m e to hos t the annual weekend c onferenc e. It will begin on the Friday evening and c onc lude at S unday lunc h-tim e, s o it's nothing prolonged.' 'It is an opportunity for delegates to hear the very bes t national s peakers and for c hief adm inis trators and direc tors of s c hools and c olleges to network,' s aid Mrs S avage, adding that 'S ir B ryan Holyoake, the Minis ter of E duc ation and S c ienc e, has already intim ated that he m ight be pres ent.' Dr Gore s ighed and drum m ed his fingers on the des ktop. 'Mrs S avage,' he s aid, turning to fac e her and rem oving his s pec tac les , 'I s hould be very m uc h obliged if you would refrain from intervening. T im e is of the es s enc e. A s you have pointed out, we are all very bus y people.' He replac ed his s pec tac les . Mrs S avage, having been put firm ly in her plac e, purs ed her lips and exam ined one of her long painted nails . 'W here is the c onferenc e to be held?' I as ked. 'A h,' s aid Dr Gore, 'thereby hangs a s tory. It was to be held in the B roddington Hall Conferenc e Centre but, as you m ay have read, it rec ently s uffered a great deal of dam age following a fire. I believe it won't be open again for s everal m onths . W e have had to find another venue.' 'T hat s ounds s erious . Have you m anaged to find an alternative?' I as ked, knowing how diffic ult it was to get c onferenc e fac ilities at s hort notic e. Dr Gore beam ed at m e, with obvious s atis fac tion. 'W e have been fortunate, m os t fortunate indeed with the venue. Lord Marric k, in his c apac ity as Chairm an of the E duc ation Com m ittee, has very kindly offered his own c ountry res idenc e, Mans ton Hall, as the venue for the c onferenc e. It is a quite s uperb Regenc y hous e and ideally s uited to our purpos es .' 'A c tually, Dr Gore,' interpos ed Mrs S avage, unable to keep quiet for very long, 'I believe Mans ton Hall was built s om e tim e earlier.' T he CE O m ade a s m all dis m is s ive ges ture. 'T he age of the building is of no c ons equenc e, Mrs S avage,' he s aid tes tily. 'It is an ideal venue for m y c onferenc e.' His PA leaned forward and was about to res pond but thought better of it. 'W hat I would like you to do, Gervas e, is organis e things from the s c hool s ide, while Mrs S avage deals with all the adm inis tration. I was thinking that it would be appropriate to have a dis play of c hildren's work, a perform anc e from a s c hool c hoir or ens em ble, perhaps a s m all piec e of dram a, an art exhibition, that s ort of thing. I want the delegates to leave the c ounty with a very good im pres s ion.' 'If I m ight be allowed to s ay s om ething, Dr Gore,' s aid Mrs S avage. 'Y es , of c ours e,' s ighed the CE O. 'I jus t wis h to im pres s on Mr P hinn that he needs to liais e c los ely with m e and keep m e fully up to s peed on everything that he intends to do.' Her voic e dripped with c ondes c ens ion. 'It is es s ential that he touc hes bas e with m e before organis ing anything and keeps m e in the loop s o I c an s ee the big pic ture.' 'I am s ure Mr P hinn is aware of that,' s aid the CE O. Mrs S avage, as was her wont, pers is ted. 'It is jus t that on previous oc c as ions , as Mr P hinn well knows , there have been - how s hall I put it - c ertain c ros s ed wires and m is unders tandings when we have been liais ing and -' 'B e as s ured, Mrs S avage,' I told her s m iling, 'I will fill you in.' 'T hat's s ettled, then,' s aid Dr Gore. 'I look forward to hearing about how things are progres s ing.' 'T here is jus t one other thing, Dr Gore,' I s aid. 'W hat are the dates for this c onferenc e? S om e tim e next term , I as s um e?' 'No, no,' replied the CE O, 'the end of next m onth.' * 'S o what was your little tete-a-tete with the good Dr Gore about?' as ked S idney when I arrived bac k at the ins pec tors ' offic e at lunc htim e. He was leaning bac k prec arious ly in his c hair, with his feet on the des k and a m ug of s team ing c offee in his hand. 'He's given m e another of his little jobs ,' I grum bled, flop-ping down in m y c hair. 'Y ou s houldn't be s o indus trious and m alleable,' s aid m y c olleague, taking a huge and nois y gulp from his m ug. 'Y ou s hould have told him you were far too bus y and s tres s ed.' 'W ell, I am bus y,' I s aid, 'but I don't know about being s tres s ed.' 'I have to s ay, m y dear friend,' s aid S idney, 'that I have perc eived that you have rec ently been without your us ual joie de v iv re. T here is a c ertain froideur about you, a las s itude and earnes tnes s whic h is quite outre. Y ou are pos itively neuras thenic .' 'Hark at Dr Freud,' s aid David, looking up from his papers . 'S idney, you are the las t pers on in the world to c ouns el anybody. You would drive the m os t c arefree, well-adjus ted s oul to s uic ide. You m ay rec all that when you went on one of thos e s tres s -m anagem ent c ours es , the tutor told you that you didn't s uffer from s tres s , you were m ore of a c arrier. A nd, anyway, what's with all this Frenc h? Y ou s pent your s um m er holidays in Italy but now you are s pattering all your c onvers ation with s illy Frenc h phras es .' 'I am a m an of the world,' s aid S idney, s preading his arm s expans ively. 'Give m e s trength,' s aid David. 'T he m an gets wors e.' 'It's jus t that things are a bit heavy-going at the m om ent,' I told them . 'T ell m e about it,' s aid David. 'T hes e s c hool c los ures are highly c ontentious and I have had to brave two ac rim onious m eetings with governors when ins ults and rec rim inations were thrown about like c onfetti. I am dreading s peaking to the parents ' as s oc iation next week.' 'A c tually, m y m eetings on that s ubjec t have gone pretty s m oothly,' s aid S idney. 'I m erely told the audienc e of aggrieved governors and parents not to s hoot the m es s enger. I was m erely an unwilling c onduit, a harbinger s ent from County Hall to pres ent the unwelc om e news and had no power to prevent the c los ures . I s aid I fully s ym pathis ed with their c onc erns , agreed with their c om m ents and would take bac k their views to the powers that be. T hey s eem ed quite s atis fied with that. A nyway, Gervas e, with regard to Dr Gore and his wretc hed little jobs , you m us t tell him No. You are far too eas ily pers uaded, dear boy. Y ou s hould have told him that you were s uffering from m ental, phys ic al and em otional s train and c ouldn't pos s ibly take on anything els e at the m om ent.' 'W hat?' I exc laim ed. 'T ell Dr Gore that? I'd have got the s ac k.' 'Nons ens e! ' c ried S idney. 'Y ou c ould have wrung your hands , s ighed and s huffed in your c hair, wiped your fevered brow and told him it was all bec om ing too too m uc h for you. It would have been a c oup de matre,' s aid S idney. 'If you c ontinue talking like a Frenc h phras e-book, S idney,' s aid David, 'I'm off.' 'Of c ours e,' c ontinued his c olleague unabas hed, 'I put it down to pos t-natal depres s ion.' 'P os t-natal depres s ion?' I repeated. 'Oh yes ,' s aid S idney. 'It does n't jus t affec t m others , you know. Fathers are s us c eptible too and you s eem to m e like a c las s ic c as e. Y ou look tired, overworked and ill-at-eas e.' 'W ell, that s hould c heer the m an up and no m is take,' s aid David. 'It happened to m e when m y daughter, Tanya, was born,' s aid S idney. 'A fter all the euphoria of the birth and holding the little bundle in m y arm s , the des pondenc y and dejec tion s et in. I c ouldn't put paintbrus h to c anvas for a whole year. I had s leeples s night after s leeples s night. I would doze off and then be woken up in the early hours to feed this wrinkled, little piggy-fac ed whelp, s quawking and s quealing and wriggling about. It was like lis tening to a bat being nailed to a door. A nd then having to c hange her and get her off to s leep again. It was a waking nightm are. T he next m orning I would s truggle downs tairs , and I c an prom is e you that there's nothing m ore guaranteed to bring on naus ea than having to fac e a buc ket full of dirty nappies firs t thing.' 'My dear departed W els h grandm other had thirteen c hildren and brought them up in a terrac ed hous e with only one tin bath,' s aid David. 'Y ou never heard her c om plain. Y ou want to c ount yours elf luc ky.' 'S weet angels of m erc y! ' c ried S idney, 'P leas e, oh pleas e, s pare us from the dear departed W els h grandm other.' 'A c tually I don't m ind c hanging the baby,' I told S idney, 'and s inc e Chris tine is breas t-feeding, I don't have to get up in the m iddle of the night, s o it's c ertainly nothing to do with that.' However, it worried m e that S idney had notic ed I was under s om ething of a s train. T here was no doubt that the problem s at Ugglem atters by were s till preying on m y m ind. I would s hortly be attending a m eeting of the parents of the c hildren at both s c hools , s om ething I was not looking forward to at all. 'Luc ky you,' s aid S idney. 'My wife had c rac ked nipples and, as I rec all, I c am e out in s ym pathy. Lila c ouldn't wear anything tight-fitting for a m onth. S he had to expres s the breas t m ilk us ing this pec uliar-looking rubber-nozzled gadget given to her by the health vis itor. Now, s he was a Gorgon if ever there was . I gave her the nom de guerre of S is ter E nem a s inc e s he c ons tantly as ked about the baby's s tools . "My dear wom an," I told her, "the baby c annot s it up yet, never m ind c oping with a s tool." S he was not am us ed.' 'I'm not at all s urpris ed,' s aid David. 'V ery feeble. A nyway, do we have to hear all this ?' he as ked. 'If we have to talk about s om ething, c ouldn't it at leas t be a pleas anter topic than c rac ked nipples and s tools ?' S idney, however, was not in the m ood to be s topped. 'You'll have far m ore im portant things to worry about rais ing a c hild, Gervas e, than c rac ked nipples and s tools . W hen that c uddly little bundle of joy gets to adoles c enc e, s haves all his hair off, c om es hom e s porting tattoos on his c hes t, ans wers you in grunts and lives in s qualor in his room , when he wants to roam the s treets at night bec aus e all his m ates ' parents allow them to, and when he hogs both the telephone and the bathroom , then you will have s om ething to worry about.' 'W hat an optim is tic view of adoles c enc e,' obs erved David. 'A nd, later,' S idney went on, 'when he em barks on a twenty-s ix-year-long art c ours e at univers ity in London, you will have to pay through the nos e for his lodgings and upkeep. T hen you will ques tion whether it is worth being a father.' 'Can you im agine having S idney for a father?' s ighed David. 'I'm a s plendid father, I'll have you know,' exc laim ed S idney, 'and always have been. I was both a m odel hus band and father. B efore work, I would take Lila her m orning tea, then breakfas t in bed, news paper and the baby, all c hanged, was hed and s c rubbed. Our firs t Chris tm as with Tanya, jus t for a bit of a wheeze, I wrapped the turkey in the baby's s hawl and took that up ins tead of the baby. Lila opened the s hawl to find this turkey looking up at her. W ell, of c ours e, it didn't ac tually look up at her. It was pluc ked. "W here's the baby?" s c ream ed Lila. "Oh gos h! " I s aid. "I m us t have put her in the oven."' 'S idney! ' I exc laim ed. 'T hat's dreadful.' 'T hat's what S is ter E nem a s aid,' S idney c ontinued, 'when Lila told her about it. S he s aid I c ould have dried her m ilkup.' He tipped his c hair forward from its perilous pos ition, and put his elbows on his des k. 'You know, I c am e in early this m orning, hoping to finis h s om e reports . It is always the s am e when you two are in the offic e together. I c an never get a thing done.' David and I looked at eac h other but didn't s ay anything. A fter a m inute's blis s ful s ilenc e, David as ked, 'S o what's this little job that Dr Gore has given you, Gervas e?' 'He's as ked m e to help organis e a c onferenc e,' I s aid. 'Our es teem ed leader is this year's pres ident of s om e high-powered as s oc iation c alled NA CA DS .' 'NA CA DS ! ' exc laim ed S idney. 'No! No! ' exc laim ed David. 'He c an't be. Y ou have to work in the m ines to be a m em ber of that. Dr Gore wouldn't rec ognis e a pit if he had one at the bottom of his garden.' 'Mining?' I as ked puzzled. 'W hat's m ining got to do with it?' 'Ours is a s trong m ining fam ily,' David told m e. 'Generations have worked down the pit.' 'I c an s ee her now,' s aid S idney, 'that old W els h grandm other of yours , in pit boots and helm et and c arrying her lam p, em erging blac k as the ac e of s pades from the m ine, having s hovelled nutty s lac k all day and wending her weary way hom e to prepare tea for her thirteen hungry c hildren. It brings a tear to the eye.' 'If you m us t know -' began David. 'A c tually, we really don't need to know,' interrupted his c olleague, leaning lazily bac k in his c hair and looking at David with hum orous idlenes s . 'If you m us t know,' c ontinued David, ignoring S idney, 'm y father was an offc ial in that as s oc iation. He ros e up the ranks from m iner to deputy. Forty-five years m y father worked down the pit. Forty-five years and never m is s ed a day.' 'I bet he m is s ed a few baths , though,' s aid S idney, 'what with the thirteen c hildren and the one tin tub.' 'My father was the loc al c onvener for NA CODS ,' s aid David. 'T he National A s s oc iation of Colliery Overm en, Deputies and S hotfirers .' 'No, this is NA CA DS ,' I told him , ac c entuating the s ec ond "A ". 'T he National A s s oc iation of Chief A dm inis trators and Direc tors of S c hools .' 'NA CA DS ,' m us ed S idney, leaning bac k prec arious ly on his c hair. 'It s ounds like a s elf-help group for world-weary geriatric s . Mind you, I gues s if it were, Dr Gore would feel very m uc h at hom e being pres ident of that. I've notic ed of late how tired and irritable he's getting. T wo peas in the old c olloquial pod, you two, Gervas e.' 'P erhaps he's s uffering from pos t-natal depres s ion as well,' s aid David. 'I've been given the job of organis ing various exhibitions and events ,' I told them . 'Dis plays of c hildren's work, the us ual s ort of thing.' 'A nd does this little job of Dr Gore's m ean having to liais e with Mrs S avage?' as ked David. 'Y es , it does ,' I replied glum ly. 'I wouldn't m ind doing his little job for him but the thought of having to liais e with the Ic e Queen hers elf fills m e with dis m ay.' 'P oor you,' s aid S idney. 'Oh dear,' groaned David. 'I c an hear the rum ble of enem y fire. I s uppos e this is the c onferenc e s he was going on about during the s um m er holidays .' 'W hen? I never heard any m ention of it,' s aid S idney, twiddling a penc il round and round in his fingers . 'No, it was when you were s wanning around Italy, and we were pac king up the offic e, inc luding all your things ,' I replied. 'A h, yes , that was m os t kind of you - if only I c ould find where you've put everything. I s till haven't found m y earthenware vas e. However, that is nothing c om pared to having to work with our B renda.' 'T hat wom an is ins uerable! ' s aid David. 'Las t week s he had the bras s nec kto s end bac k two of m y reports with c orrec tions . Correc tions ! T he im pertinenc e of it, c orrec ting m y E nglis h.' 'W ell, I would have thought you would have welc om ed that,' s aid S idney, being deliberately provoc ative. 'I well rec all a c onvers ation we had las t year when you were bem oaning the s loppy us e of E nglis h.' 'A s us ual, S idney, you are m is s ing the point,' s aid David irritably. 'You are quite happy giving everyone the benefit of your views whether they want to hear them or not but you are inc apable of lis tening to others . I am perfec tly c apable of us ing c orrec t E nglis h, thank you very m uc h. My point is that Mrs S avage returned a report to m e with c orrec tions on.' 'On whic h there were c orrec tions ,' interrupted his c olleague. 'On whic h there were c orrec tions ,' repeated David, 'but thes e c orrec tions did not need to be c orrec ted.' 'W ell, that s ounds perfec tly c lear to m e,' s aid S idney. 'Did you unders tand him , Gervas e?' 'B ehave yours elf, S idney,' I told him . 'W hat did you write, David?' 'I wrote,' s aid David, 'that the Head of the Mathem atic s Departm ent at Lady Cavendis h High S c hool for Girls , and I quote, "s ets the s tandard by whic h the rem ainder of the departm ent is judged". Mrs S avage took it upon her s elf to c hange it to "are judged", whic h is , of c ours e, inc orrec t. I told her in no unc ertain term s when I s aw her s wanning down the top c orridor at County Hall with a fac e as hard as a diam ond, like s om e m ature m odel out of a wom an's m agazine, pretending to be all im portant, that I was not going to put up with it.' 'Y ou m ean up with it you were not going to put,' s aid S idney. 'I'll c om e over there in a m inute, m y friend,' exc laim ed David, 'and knoc k you off that c hair and put you flat on your bac k! ' 'Mrs S avage is the las t pers on to s tart advis ing people how to us e E nglis h,' I s aid. 'S he c ontinually us es a whole new voc abulary of dead term s and offic e c atc hphras es : "c om ing aboard", "running things up flagpoles ", "getting up to s peed", "blue s ky thinking", "s quaring the c irc le", "touc hing bas e". It's a whole new language.' 'S he goes on a one-day c ours e in offic e m anagem ent,' s aid S idney, 'and c om es bac k with all this gobbledegook.' 'Like a c ertain art ins pec tor who goes to Italy for a fortnight and c om es bac k peppering all his c onvers ation with Frenc h phras es ,' s aid David. 'Touc he! ' s aid S idney. 'I m ean, I don't m ind being pic ked up by s om eone who us es E nglis h well, but c ertainly not by Mrs S avage. A s m y dear departed W els h grandm other us ed to s ay' - S idney s ighed dram atic ally and rolled his eyes - '"before you look at the m ote in s om eone els e's eye, take a look at the tree in your own."' 'I don't s ee how you c ould s ee anything with a tree in your eye,' s aid S idney. 'A nd what s urpris es m e,' c ontinued David, dec iding to ignore S idney's flippant rem ark, 'is why Dr Gore allows her to get away with it. T ake that c ras s doc um ent s he s ent about the s c hool c los ures . It was inc om prehens ible.' 'Maybe bec aus e our dear Dr Gore is jus t too exhaus ted and worn out. S he is enough to m ake the m os t even-tem pered pers on exhaus ted and irritable. I s hould think the old m an feels thoroughly NA CA DS .' 'W ell,' s aid David, 'I wis h you luc k working with that wom an, I really do.' 'In the long tradition of es prit de c orps , whic h exis ts in our little team , Gervas e,' s aid S idney, 'you know that if we c an be of any help we would be only too happy to oblige - tous ens emble.' 'Of c ours e,' agreed David, 'that goes without ques tion. I am m ore than happy to help you. I will, of c ours e, produc e an exhibition of m athem atic s teac hing and c hildren's work and, if you wis h, I c ould arrange a gym nas tic s dis play and perhaps a perform anc e of traditional danc ing.' 'T hat s ounds exc ellent,' I s aid.

appointed Head of A rt at Crom pton S ec ondary Modern, la c harmante Colette, an ins pirational teac her and als o an ins piration to look at.' 'A h! I thought there would be a wom an s om ewhere in your s c hem e of things ,' s ighed David. 'A nd I s uppos e s he's Frenc h, is s he?' 'However did you gues s ?' as ked S idney with m oc k s urpris e in his voic e. 'I wondered why we have been bom barded with all thes e Gallic phras es ,' s aid David. 'B een brus hing up on your Frenc h, have you?' 'S he is the perfec t P re-Raphaelite beauty,' s aid S idney, rais ing his hand like a pries t about to give a bles s ing. 'Tall, pale-c om plexioned with pierc ing violet eyes and delic ate s lender hands , and with an explos ion of auburn hair c as c ading s traight down her bac k. A long-legged goddes s . Une belle femme. S he c ould have walked out of the c anvas of a B urne-J ones m as terpiec e. I s hall get onto it pronto.' 'Give m e s trength! ' c ried David. 'He's gone into Italian now.' 'I'm feeling better already,' I s aid. 'A nd no doubt Geraldine will c om e up with s om ething s pec tac ular,' s aid David. 'Now there's an exam ple to any parent. Y ou don't hear her c om plaining about s leeples s nights , c hanging nappies and pos t-natal depres s ion. I take m y hat off to her, bringing up a c hild s ingle-handed.' 'I wonder if s he s uffered from c rac ked nipples ,' m us ed S idney. A t that m om ent m y telephone rang. 'B renda S avage here,' c am e a s harp voic e down the line. 'Oh, hello, Mrs S avage,' I s aid, em phas is ing her nam e to let m y c olleagues know to whom I was s peaking. S idney pulled a grues om e fac e, David grim ac ed. 'Following our dis c us s ions with Dr Gore this m orning,' s he s aid form ally, 'I feel it is im portant that we need to expedite m atters A S A P. A s tim e is very s hort and there is m uc h to do, partic ularly in inc entivis ing your c olleagues to get aboard this projec t, I s ugges t we put our heads together. I have produc ed a pos s ible paradigm and need to flag up a few things with you. Have you a window in your diary next week?' 'No,' I replied s im ply. 'I've a full program m e of s c hool vis its , an E nglis h c ours e to run and three governors ' m eetings .' 'I c annot im pres s upon you too s trongly, Mr P hinn, that we m us t pus h ahead with this ,' s he s aid tes tily. 'A re you available now?' 'Now?' I as ked. 'T his very m inute?' B etter get the inevitable m eeting with her over and done with, I thought. 'I am free until two o'c loc k, and then I have to join an appointm ents panel.' 'T hen I s hall c om e over and s ee you,' s he s aid. 'I s hall be over s traight away.' T he phone c lic ked. 'Mrs S avage is on her way over,' I told m y c olleagues ins ouc iantly. David s natc hed up his briefc as e and m ade a hurried exit, followed by S idney. 'A dieu, mon brav e!' he c ried as he left the offic e. 'Do you think I'm m alleable?' I was helping Chris tine was h the dis hes that evening when I put the ques tion to her. 'W hat a s trange thing to as k,' s he s aid. 'W ell, do you?' 'T hink you're m alleable?' s he repeated. 'Y ou m ean like a lum p of c lay that's m oulded into s hape?' 'W ell, not really like a lum p of c lay,' I s aid. 'W hat I m ean is "eas ily pers uaded".' 'W hy do you as k?' 'S idney s ays I'm m alleable, that I take too m uc h on bec aus e I c an't s ay No to people.' 'W ell, for onc e I think S idney's got it right,' s aid Chris tine, 'Y ou do take on too m uc h and do tend to s ay Y es to people far too often.' W hen W inc o Cleaver-Canning had s hown his whis kered fac e at the door that m orning, c lutc hing the play s c ript of The Dame of S ark , Chris tine had dis c overed that I had virtually agreed to join the c as t. W hen I arrived hom e, s he had s haken her head and as ked m e c ros s ly why I hadn't s aid I was too bus y. S he had as ked the very s am e ques tion when I had agreed to s peak at a c harity dinner, join a s pons ored walk, help a dys lexic boy in the village with his reading and write an artic le for National P oetry Day for the Fettles ham Gaz ette. 'It's a s im ple enough word,' s he had told m e. 'J us t s ay No.' Later that evening, when I was reading the paper and Chris tine was doing s om e s ewing, s he s aid, 'I m eant to tell you that A ndy is c om ing up on S aturday to fix the guttering. I don't know why you didn't wait until he c ould help you ins tead of trying to fix it yours elf and bringing the whole lot down. A ndy s aid it's a twom an job, s o I'm as s um ing you will be able to give him a hand?' 'I think, m y dear,' I s aid jokingly, 'that I s hall follow your very good advic e.' 'A nd what advic e is that?' as ked Chris tine. 'I s hall jus t s ay No.'

16 B y the end of that week, I was feeling m ore s ettled, under les s s train. T here had been no further s ign of our vis itors with the bus hy tails and I hoped that they were s ettling down on the Mans ton es tate. On S aturday, A ndy, with lim ited help from m ys elf (I held the ladders ) fixed the guttering and finis hed tidying up the garden, and Chris tine c ooked the m os t delic ious pheas ant and venis on c as s erole for dinner on the S aturday night - on the proc eeds of a little pres ent Harry Cotton had brought round during the week. 'W hat the eye does n't s ee, the heart does n't know,' s aid Chris tine bravely, as s he prepared the m eat for the oven. S he had prevailed upon A ndy to pluc kand gut the pheas ant. On S unday, a glorious ly s unny day, we dec ided to give ours elves a day off, and went to W hitby. T he tide was out, and Chris tine and I s trolled along the vas t s andy beac h to S ands end with little Ric hard s trapped on m y bac k. How I looked forward to the tim e when he was old enough to help m e build c as tles , c ollec t c rabs from the roc k pools in a plas tic buc ket, s earc h for fos s ils , paddle in the c old grey waters of the North S ea and join m e on a trip around the harbour in the old lifeboat. T hat evening I read The Dame of S ark , whic h I enjoyed hugely, and bec am e quite exc ited about 'treading the boards ' onc e again with the Fettles ham Literary P layers . S itting in front of the fading fire before going to bed, I als o felt happier about taking on Dr Gore's lates t little job. T he dis c us s ions with Mrs S avage had gone s urpris ingly well, and we had arranged to m eet again this c om ing week, when we would vis it Mans ton Hall. W e were both a little c onc erned that Lord Marric k's hom e would not have the s am e fac ilities as a c onferenc e c entre, and we needed a 's ite vis it', as Mrs S avage c alled it, to ac quaint ours elves with the layout, the lie of the land. B oth David and S idney had been bus y planning their c ontributions for the exhibition, and Geraldine, as I knew s he would, had im m ediately agreed to put on a s c ienc e dis play. A s well as telephoning the s c hools that I wanted to provide m aterial for an exhibition of c hildren's writing, I had c ontac ted the County Mus ic A dvis er, P ierc e Gordon, and enlis ted the s ervic es of the Young P eople's B ras s B and to entertain the delegates on the S unday m orning. T he bras s band had at firs t been reluc tant to c hange their norm al rehears al m orning - 'Chris tm as is a very bus y tim e for us ,' I was told - but when their band-leader unders tood that they would be playing at Marric k Hall, he agreed to s witc h rehears al tim es . Mrs S avage, for her part, bus ied hers elf c onfirm ing details with the hotels where ac c om m odation had been booked earlier in the s um m er. S he drew up the invitation lis t for the rec eption on the firs t evening, and finalis ed arrangem ents with the c aterers for both that and the dinner on the S aturday night. S he was planning to provide a s hort his tory of Mans ton Hall that would go into eac h delegate's pac kalong with the offic ial program m e, diges ts of the s peakers ' lec tures , direc tions to the venue etc ., and this was one of the reas ons s he wanted to go down to the Hall as s oon as pos s ible. A ll in all, things were progres s ing well. I was in exc ellent s pirits , therefore, when I walked into the entranc e of Dales ide P rim ary S c hool on the Monday lunc htim e. I had a veritable s pring in m y s tep. I was there to obs erve Mis s Graham , a probationary teac her. In the headteac her's room , with a c up of c offee in m y hand, I explained to Mrs B lac kett, a s m all, dark-haired, s oftly-s poken wom an, what I intended to do while I was in the s c hool that m orning and as ked if s he had any ques tions or obs ervations before I went into the firs t c las s . 'Y ou don't rem em ber m e, do you?' s he enquired. I looked at her a little m ore c los ely. 'I'm afraid not,' I replied. 'A s you are no doubt aware, I m eet m any people on m y travels .' I s ounded terribly pom pous , s o added quic kly 'A nd I'm afraid I'm not very good at nam es and fac es .' 'I thought you m ight have rem em bered m e, and the oc c as ion when we m et.' A s m all s m ile played on the wom an's lips . I was pretty c ertain s he was n't an ex-girlfriend; was s he a form er c olleague from m y teac hing days or, even further bac k, s om eone I was at s c hool with? I looked again at the s m iling fac e but no rec ognition dawned. 'T here are s o m any s c hools in the c ounty,' I told her defens ively, 'and I m eet m any other people during the year at the c onferenc es and c ours es I run.' S he s till held the am us ed expres s ion. 'One of m y c olleagues ,' I c ontinued, 'worked out that it would take over twenty years for one of the ins pec tors in the team to vis it every s c hool in the c ounty.' S he c ontinued to s m ile at m e, and when s he didn't offer to tell m e where we had m et, I s aid, 'I'm s orry but you will have to rem ind m e.' 'W e were on interview together,' s he replied, 'at County Hall for the pos t of ins pec tor.' 'Of c ours e! ' I s aid, and then did rec all her. 'It's ... er...' 'Dorothy.' 'I rem em ber now,' I s aid. 'Dorothy B lac kett. W e had a very interes ting c onvers ation. Y ou were a headteac her in the Midlands , as I rec all, but you were born in Y orks hire.' 'T hat's right,' s he s aid, 'and neither of us thought we were in with m uc h of a c hanc e.' 'It was a pretty daunting experienc e,' I s aid, 'with all the other hugely-qualified and experienc ed c andidates , burs ting with c onfidenc e, and that battery of ques tions from the interview panel. T here was no one m ore s urpris ed than I when I was c alled bac kinto the room and offered the job.' 'Oh, I had a s neaking feeling you would get it. I c ould s ee how keen you were. I rec all thinking you were a bit of a dark hors e at the interviews and that you didn't give very m uc h away about yours elf.' 'T hat was nerves ,' I told her. 'I've followed your progres s ,' s he c ontinued, 'and from what I have heard, you are doing very well and are m aking quite an im pres s ion.' 'A nd I rem em ber your s aying, when you c ongratulated m e, that you were rather relieved that you didn't get the job bec aus e you weren't s ure whether you wanted the pos t or not.' 'I did,' s he replied, 'and I gues s that unc ertainty c am e over at the interview. Y ou s ee, m y dream was to work in the Y orks hire Dales . T hat is what I really wanted. I was brought up here and wanted to return to m y roots .' 'A nd your dream c am e true,' I s aid. 'It did,' s he replied. 'A fter the debriefing interview afterwards , Dr Y eats told m e that the panel was im pres s ed with m y ans wers and any further applic ations I s hould m ake for pos ts in the c ounty would be looked upon favourably. Las t year, this heads hip c am e up. I applied, got the job and here I am .' 'I'm s o pleas ed,' I s aid, 'and if I c an -' A s harp rap on the door interrupted m e. 'I'm s orry to dis turb you, Mrs B lac kett.' It was the s c hool s ec retary. 'I thought you ought to know that Gavin is in a bit of a s tate. His , er...'s he paus ed, s truggling for the right word - 'er... little problem s eem s to have flared up again. S hall I s end for his m other to c om e and c ollec t him ?' 'Yes pleas e, V era,' s aid the headteac her, 'that would be a good idea and I would like a word with her when s he arrives . I really don't think he s hould have been s ent to s c hool in this s tate.' T he s ec retary nodded and after s he had c los ed the door behind her the headteac her s hookher head and s m iled. 'Not a day goes by when there is n't s om e inc ident or c ris is ,' s he told m e. 'It's the s am e in m y job,' I s aid. 'I s uppos e that's what m akes what we do s o different and c hallenging,' s he s aid. 'One day is never the s am e as another.' 'S o, what's the little problem with Gavin?' I as ked, reac hing for m y c offee. 'Little Gavin, all of s even,' s aid the headteac her, 'arrived at s c hool this m orning obvious ly in s om e dis c om fort. He was s huffling away during as s em bly and I had to tell him to s it s till on a c ouple of oc c as ions . A t the end of as s em bly, I s aw him heading out of the hall like a m iniature c owboy who had jus t got off his hors e after a hard day in the s addle. He was walking down the c orridor bow-legged. I as ked his teac her, Mis s Graham , to find out why he was behaving in s uc h a s trange m anner. In the c las s room , Gavin produc ed an abs enc e note from his m other - he'd been away from s c hool for m uc h of las t week- explaining, as s he put it, that he was 'a bit s ore in the downs tairs departm ent' bec aus e he'd been into hos pital for an operation. S he had written that it was nothing very s erious , jus t that he'd been c as trated.' 'Cas trated! ' I exc laim ed. 'Yes , c as trated,' s aid the headteac her. 'W ell, a very red-fac ed Mis s Graham - s he's in her firs t, probationary year of teac hing and is of a rather delic ate dis pos ition - brought little Gavin and the note s traight along to m e. I dis c overed that he had not, in fac t, been c as trated - he'd been c irc um c is ed. I thought it m ore appropriate that the deputy headteac her, Mr J ohns on, rather than m ys elf, s hould have a look at it. Les was not at all keen, telling m e that he c ould get thirty years for "looking at it". E ventually, he was prevailed upon to exam ine the little boy's problem but only in the pres enc e of the c aretaker as a witnes s that nothing untoward happened. Les reported bac k to m e that Gavin's little problem "in the downs tairs departm ent" didn't look that bad and that the c hild had been s ent bac k to his c las s . Gavin returned to his c las s room and s eem ed a lot better. T hen jus t before m orning break, Mis s Graham notic ed to her horror that little Gavin, s itting at his des k, had his trous ers and pants around his ankles and, to put it euphem is tic ally, had everything on dis play for the entire world to s ee. "W hatever are you doing?" s he as ked him and he replied, "Mr J ohns on told m e to s tic k it out for the res t of the day."' I s pluttered and s pilt c offee all down the front of m y s uit. One of the delights of working in s c hools is to hear of, and on oc c as ions witnes s , s uc h hum orous epis odes . Children and young people have a wonderful c apac ity to m ake us laugh - s om etim es c ons c ious ly but m ore often than not, unc ons c ious ly. Many c hildren, partic ularly the little ones , are dis arm ingly naive and pos s es s the ability for s uc h inventive thought and often us e language in a s urpris ingly and keenly intelligent way. A s hort while later, I joined Mis s Graham in her c las s room . I little thought that I would be taking over her les s on that Monday afternoon but that is what happened. Mis s Graham was indeed, as the headteac her had intim ated, of a rather delic ate dis pos ition. S he was a tall, m ous y-haired, pale-fac ed wom an whos e dark brown eyes , like thos e of s om e s m all noc turnal tree-c lim bing c reature, were alarm ingly m agnified behind large round glas s es . Des pite m y reas s uranc es s he looked agitated when I joined her in the c las s room after lunc h. 'I m us t tell you, Mr P hinn,' s he s aid at onc e, 'that I've never had a s c hool ins pec tor watc hing m e before s o I am rather apprehens ive.' T here was a s light quiver in her voic e. S he touc hed the nervous red ras h that had appeared at her throat. 'W hen I was at c ollege, I us ed to get very worked up when the tutor vis ited the s c hool where I was on teac hing prac tic e.' 'I'm quite harm les s , Mis s Graham ,' I s aid, 'and I'm s ure m y vis it won't be too m uc h of an ordeal for you.' I c ould not help but c om pare this apparently frail, frightened-looking young wom an to Mis s B ailey, the probationary teac her at Foxton, with her quiet as s uranc e and dis arm ing pers onality. I jus t wondered to m ys elf how Mis s Graham would c ope in a c areer where s he was very likely to c om e ac ros s s om e very dem anding and diffic ult c hildren. P erhaps s he had been unus ually alarm ed by the inc ident with Gavin and 'his little problem in the downs tairs departm ent', s o I did not allude to it and c om plim ented her ins tead on the s plendid c las s room dis plays . 'A rt was m y s pec ialis t s tudy at c ollege,' s he told m e, allowing hers elf a s m all s elf-c ons c ious s m ile. 'A nd where was that?' I as ked. 'T he College of Ripon and Y ork S t J ohn,' s he replied. 'A h, a very fine c ollege,' I s aid. 'One of the very bes t teac her-training ins titutions in the c ountry. You c an't go far wrong if you have s tudied there.' I was attem pting to boos t her c onfidenc e and put her at eas e s inc e her voic e was s till trem bling notic eably. 'A nd how are you getting on in your firs t year?' I as ked c heerfully. 'Oh, it's not too bad,' s he s aid, 'but I have to adm it I do find the c hildren very blunt and to the point.' 'T hat's Y orks hire c hildren for you,' I told her. 'Yes , and they do tend to s peaktheir m inds . It's a very m ixed c atc hm ent area. A growing num ber of c hildren c om e from the es tate, s om e from the village and a large num ber live on the s urrounding farm s . T he world of the es tate c hildren us ually c entres on what is on the televis ion, and for the farm ing c hildren it revolves around s heep, c ows and pigs .' S he looked wis tfully out of the c las s room window at the great s weep of the dale outs ide. 'S om etim es they c om e out with things whic h are quite unexpec ted.' I im m ediately thought of little Gavin and s m iled. 'T he farm ing c hildren will ins is t on bringing things to s c hool,' s he told m e. 'S heep's s kulls , dead birds , hedgehogs in boxes , was ps ' nes ts , newts in jam jars , frog s pawn, owl pellets . One day, there was a dreadful s m ell in the c las s room . I dis c overed that one c hild had brought his ferret to s c hool and was keeping it in his bag, whic h he'd res ted on the radiator. He ins is ted on telling m e all about c atc hing rabbits with his ferret, putting a net over the entranc e to their burrows and flus hing out the poor c reatures , whic h he prom ptly killed.' P oor nervous Mis s Graham looked like a frightened rabbit hers elf. 'It's all very interes ting, I'm s ure, but I have an avers ion to anything like that. I don't m ind c ats and s m all dogs but s nakes and s piders and c reepy-c rawlies jus t freak m e out. Las t A pril Fools ' Day, when I was on teac hing prac tic e, one of the c hildren in the c las s put a plas tic s pider on m y des k.' S he s huddered at the thought. 'Uuhhhh! I know it was only a s illy toy but jus t the s ight of it m ade m e go into a c old s weat. I was not bes t pleas ed, I c an tell you, and had to s it in the s taff room for half an hour to c om pos e m ys elf. I am s ure that if m y c ollege tutor had been in the c las s room at the tim e I would have gone to piec es .' 'W ell, I prom is e you, Mis s Graham ,' I reas s ured her, 'that I haven't a ferret in m y bag and no c reepy-c rawlies up m y s leeve.' Having lis tened to this tim id and rather anxious young wom an, I had to adm it that I was not expec ting the m os t riveting of les s ons that afternoon but I was pleas antly s urpris ed. A s s oon as I had been introduc ed and the c hildren were s itting up s m artly at their des ks , Mis s Graham s eem ed to c om e to life. T he nervous nes s s he had s hown earlier dis appeared, and s he bec am e anim ated and enc ouraging. S he had a friendly and s upportive m anner with the c hildren and they lis tened attentively and readily res ponded to her ques tions . A fter s he had s et the c hildren the tas k of writing a s tory entitled "A Day to Rem em ber", Mis s Graham m oved from table to table, s m iling and helping the c hildren with their work. S he c learly had forgotten about the m an in the darks uit with the notebook who s at inc ons pic uous ly in the c orner of the c las s room watc hing her. A fter a while, I joined a s m all group of c hildren to talk to them about their work and to look at their books . 'S o what are you writing about?' I as ked one c hild. 'My holidays las t s um m er,' s he replied. 'A nd where did you go?' 'S pain.' 'Do you know the c apital of S pain?' I as ked. 'Cours e I do,' s he replied. 'Letter "S ".' One boy, a large lad with pale eyes and a rather m ournful expres s ion, s at s taring at the blankpiec e of paper before him . 'Y ou haven't s tarted,' I s aid. 'No.' 'A ren't you going to have a go?' I as ked. 'I don't know what to write about,' he told m e, s c rewing up his nos e and s c ratc hing his thatc h of thic k fair hair. 'A Day to Rem em ber',' I s aid. 'T here m us t been a s pec ial day in your life whic h s tays in your m ind.' 'No.' 'S om ething m em orable,' I s aid. 'T here mus t have been s om ething that you c an rec all - a happy m em ory, an ac c ident, a vis it, s om ething like that?' 'No.' 'W hat about your birthday?' 'I had m um ps .' 'Chris tm as ?' 'My granddad died.' 'W here did you go for your s um m er holidays ?' 'Nowhere.' 'W ell,' I s aid giving up, 'you put on your thinking c ap. I'm s ure s om ething will oc c ur to you.' He looked up at m e with a lugubrious expres s ion. 'I wis h I knew what to write about,' he told m e again and s tared down at the piec e of paper, and then turned to gaze out of the window onto the dale, where no doubt he would have preferred to be. It was towards the end of the les s on that things went wrong for Mis s Graham . S he went into the s toreroom for s om e exerc is e books and em erged a m om ent later c arrying a little toy bat, blac kwith rubbery wings and a furry body - the s ort c hildren buy in joke s hops at Halloween. S he held the toy between her finger and thum b. 'Now, this is very s illy, c hildren,' s he s aid. 'Firs tly, you know I don't allow anyone in m y s toreroom . S ec ondly, you all know I don't like c reepy-c rawlies and, thirdly, you know I warned you about playing tric ks . I don't find it at all funny, and I'm s ure that Mr P hinn, the s c hool ins pec tor' - all eyes turned in m y direc tion - 'is not very im pres s ed with this kind of behaviour, are you, Mr P hinn?' W hat c ould I s ay but, 'No, I'm not'? 'Now,' c ontinued Mis s Graham , 'who does this toy bat belong to?' T he ques tion was greeted with c om plete s ilenc e and blank s tares . 'Com e along, whos e is it?' S till there was no res pons e. 'W ell, if the pers on who brought it to s c hool does n't own up, then I s hall put it in the was te-paper bas ket and it will s tay there.' J us t as s he was about to depos it the toy in the bas ket, the thing s he held m oved. It was a real bat. It had probably found its way into the s toreroom through a s kylight. T he little c reature turned its head and s queaked. Mis s Graham went rigid. T he c hildren s tared dum bs truc k. I c ould s ee by the teac her's expres s ion that s he was having s om e diffic ulty in m aintaining a m eas ure of perpendic ularity s o, dropping m y notebook and grabbing the blac kboard dus ter, I rus hed to her as s is tanc e. T aking the s m all trem bling c reature from her, I c radled it in the s oft m aterial. Mis s Graham rem ained frozen to the s pot. 'Y ou go to the s taff room ,' I whis pered in the teac her's ear, 'and m ake yours elf a c up of hot s trong s weet tea. I'll deal with the little vis itor.' Mis s Graham , as hen-fac ed, headed for the door without a word, as if in a tranc e. Having depos ited the bat in a s m all box and quietened down the now very exc ited and voluble c las s , I told the c hildren to get on with their s tories . T he tac iturn boy with the pale eyes who had s pent his tim e until then c ontem plating the blankpiec e of paper on his des k, s uddenly c am e to life. He waved his hand m adly in the air like a poplar in a high wind. 'S ir, pleas e, s ir! ' he c ried. 'I want to tell you s om ething.' 'W hatever is it?' I as ked. 'I've got s om ething to write about now, s ir,' he s aid with a great beam ing s m ile. '"T he Day our T eac her went B atty! "' I had to go bac k to the offic e before going hom e that evening, and I found David and Geraldine already there. David was lounging at his des k and Geraldine was pus hing files into her briefc as e. T hey were laughing at s om ething as I walked in. 'Y ou two s eem in good m oods ,' I c om m ented, dum ping m y own bulging briefc as e on m y des k. 'Had a good day?' 'I was jus t telling Gerry about s om ething that happened at Highc ops e P rim ary that I vis ited today,' s aid David. 'T he c hildren were doing frac tions and I thought I'd tes t them . I s aid, "If there are four c hildren in a fam ily s itting down for a m eal and there are only three potatoes between them , how would you divide the potatoes equally between them ?" T he ans wer, of c ours e, is give eac h of them three-quarters of a potato. One bright s park c alled out, "T hat's eas y," he s aid. "I'd m as h the potatoes ."' I laughed out loud. T hat was exac tly the s ort of unpredic table c om m ent that I had been trying to explain to frightened little Mis s Graham that afternoon. 'I think that's a very s ens ible ans wer,' rem arked Geraldine. 'Mas h would go m uc h further with lots of lovely butter m ixed in.' 'T hat's not the point, and well you know it,' res ponded David c ros s ly. Geraldine laughed and c los ed her briefc as e with a s harp c lic k. 'B ye, you two, I'm off. S ee you tom orrow.' 'W hat a was te of a pretty wom an,' s ighed David after Geraldine had left the offic e. 'It would be s o nic e if s he would join in a bit m ore. P erhaps have an evening drink, or s om ething - jus t oc c as ionally.' He looked m oros ely at his rather full in-tray. 'I think I've had enough m ys elf today. A re you in a rus h, too, Gervas e, or do you fanc y a quic k drink?' I glanc ed at m y watc h. T here was n't enough tim e to s tart on the notes of the E nglis h c ours e I was due to give s oon, and I thought a drink would be nic e, s o the pair of us walked down into Fettles ham High S treet to a s m all pub that we s om etim es us ed. Onc e we were ens c onc ed c om fortably, with pints in our hands , David returned to the them e of the things c hildren c om e out with. 'On one oc c as ion - I think it m ight have been at S t Helen's -' he s aid, 'the c hairm an of governors was addres s ing the c hildren in a prim ary s c hool as s em bly. He was a rather pom pous m an, an ac c ountant by profes s ion, and told the c hildren that he had been partic ularly good at m athem atic s when he was a c hild. "W e had m ental arithm etic every m orning," he inform ed the c hildren, "and I was taught to c alc ulate very quic kly in m y head. I c an add up the bill in m y head at the s uperm arket c hec k-out fas ter than the pers on on the till c an do it us ing the c as h regis ter. I wonder how m any young people today, for exam ple," he c ontinued, "c ould m ultiply eight hundred and eighty-eight by eighty-eight?" A s quic k as a flas h, a voic e from the bac k of the hall c alled out: "S eventy-eight thous and, one hundred and forty-four." T he pom pous fool was m os t s urpris ed. "T hat's c orrec t! ' he s pluttered. "W ell, well! " On leaving the s c hool, he c om plim ented Mrs S m ith, the headteac her, on the outs tanding m athem atic al ability of the c hild. Mrs S m ith - who told m e the s tory - had apparently obs erved the inc ident from the s ide of the hall, and dec ided not to m ention that s he had s een the m athem atic al genius us ing the c alc ulator on his wris twatc h.' 'Clever c logs ! ' I rem arked. 'I had a nic e one the other day. A c hild inform ed his teac her that the boy s itting next to him kept "pis s ing" in his ear.' 'Nas ty habit, that,' c hortled David. 'T he bem us ed teac her,' I c ontinued, 'as ked him what he m eant. 'He keeps on going 'P s s s t! P s s s t! ' in m y ear when I am trying to get on with m y work,' the c hild explained.' It was turning into one of thos e oc c as ions when one s illy s tory led to another. David then told m e about one s tudent P E teac her, jogging with a c las s of fourteen-year-old s tudents on the s c hool fields , who had told his young c harges to s tart running. '"W here to?" one boy as ked. "A nywhere," the teac her replied. T he c las s prom ptly ran hom e, leaving behind one very c ros s P E teac her - I bet he didn't m ake that m is take again.' He laughed. 'Children are s o unpredic table.' 'A nd yet s o innoc ent,' I added. 'I heard the other day about a c hild who told her teac her that s he knew a naughty word beginning with the letter "F". "W ell, I hope I don't hear you us ing it," the teac her s aid. A nd the c hild replied prim ly, "Oh, I don't, m is s . I always s ay 'trum p'."' 'Hearing that s tory about s wearing,' David s aid, 'rem inds m e about a c onvers ation that followed a les s on in whic h the teac her had tried to im pres s on the young c hildren how naughty it was to s wear. A s m all girl hurried into the c las s room after playtim e and inform ed the teac her that a boy in the playground had us ed a very rude word. 'A nd what was this word?' the teac her as ked. A fter a thoughtful paus e, the prec oc ious inform ant had s aid, "Mis s , I m us tn't s ay it but if you s ay all the rude words you know, I'll s top you when you c om e to it."'

I c huc kled with laughter. 'T im e I m ade a m ove. I've got a feeling I'm on c ooking duty this evening,' I s aid, draining m y beer m ug.

17 I m ade m y way towards the m ain entranc e of Cas tles nelling High S c hool for the rehears al of The Dame of S ark . It was the las t thing I wanted on a Friday evening but Raym ond, the produc er, had phoned the offic e earlier that day and had very nearly burs t into tears when I had told him that it was going to be very diffic ult for m e to attend. 'No, no! ' he had m oaned, when I explained that I had a m eeting that evening, whic h m ight go on until quite late. 'B ut, Gervas e, you have only m ade one or two of the rehears als s o far, and tonight is when I go through the play's denouement. Granted yours m ay only be a s m idgen of a part but it is a c am eo.' My c harac ter appeared at the end of the very las t ac t and it was true that I had only attended a c ouple of rehears als . I was thankful for that and determ ined that never again would I be pers uaded to get involved in am ateur dram atic s . S o far it had been s om ething of a s tres s ful experienc e and was likely to c ontinue to be s o. 'V ery well,' I had told him res ignedly. 'I'll be there.' Raym ond was a frenetic little m an with c ropped dyed blond hair and a round, pixie-like fac e; he invariably wore a pair of extrem ely tight jeans and a c los e-fitting T -s hirt, us ually with s om e s ugges tive m otif em blazoned on the front. He s eem ed to live c ons tantly on his nerves and c ertainly got on everybody els e's . Rehears als were lively affairs with him rus hing around the s tage, pointing, s houting, pranc ing, pulling fac es , jum ping up and down and waving his hands in the air. It was a bravura perform anc e in its elf. If s om eone fluffed a line or m is s ed a c ue, he would utter a s ort of s trangled c ry before c alling out in an irritatingly high-pitc hed, pierc ing voic e, 'No, no, no, no, no! ' T hen he would add, brus hing his brow dram atic ally with the bac k of his hand, 'W hy, oh why, do I have to work with am ateurs ?' 'T hat's bec aus e we are am ateurs ,' one brave m em ber of the c as t had onc e inform ed him . I was m et at the entranc e to the s c hool by the c aretaker, a s allow-fac ed, s keletal figure of rather m enac ing as pec t. He wore a grubby grey overall, huge blac k boots , a greas y flat c ap and jangled an enorm ous s et of keys on a long c hain. S tanding fours quare and feroc ious next to him was Dais y, his barrel-bodied bull terrier. T he c reature, c atc hing s ight of m e, dis played a s et of vic ious -looking teeth and growled threateningly. I had firs t c om e ac ros s the beas t when I had attended a s c hool produc tion of Oliv er! s om e years before, when it had played B ill S ikes ' dog, B ulls eye. T he c reature had s tolen the s how. T he m axim that one s hould never s hare the s tage with an anim al or c hild rang very true that evening. T he ac tor playing B ill S ikes (the head of the P E Departm ent at the s c hool) had, in the las t ac t, rather foolis hly jerked on the rope attac hed to the dog. 'Com e on, B ulls eye! ' he had c om m anded in a voic e as rough as gravel. T he dog had lifted its fat, round head, fixed him with its c old button eyes and then had s hot like a c annonball s traight for him , s narling and s lavering. A s I entered Cas tles nelling High S c hool now, I gave the dog a very wide berth, knowing full well how unpredic table it c ould be. T here was no friendly word of greeting from the c aretaker but an angry, 'I'll be glad when this bloody play of yours is over,' he told m e. T he dog rum bled as if in agreem ent. I'll be glad when it's over as well, I thought to m ys elf, but I kept m y own c ouns el. 'Good evening,' I s aid, rather overdoing the s m ile. 'B it nippy, is n't it?' 'T hat's bec aus e the heating's off,' he inform ed m e bluntly. 'Friday afternoon after s c hool I always turn it off. T here's never any heating on of a weekend and I'm buggered if I'm keeping all the s c hool heated for you lot. A ny road, I s hould think there's enough hot air from you am ateur fanatic s to heat the whole of the bloody A rc tic Ic e Cap.' 'In the hall?' I as ked, not wis hing to purs ue this line of c onvers ation. 'A ye,' replied the c aretaker, jangling his keys like a warder, 'and m aking a hell of a rac ket as well and, no doubt, s c uffing up m y floor, dropping litter and leaving m arks on m y walls .' He s ounded unnervingly like Connie. 'T im es I have to tell that produc er of yours to tidy up after you're done. You're wors e than the bloody kids in the s c hool and that's s aying s om ething. B ut I m ight as well talk to m ys elf.' P erhaps he didn't realis e that he was . T he dog growled. 'I don't know why you lot have to rehears e here, what with all the other s c hools there are around. I've had to s tay on to keep the plac e open for you lot and it'll be after nine before I gets hom e. W hy c an't you us e another s c hool for a c hange?' 'I really wouldn't know,' I told him , heading down the c orridor. 'I am jus t a m ere m em ber of the c as t and a m inor one at that.' T he c aretaker was n't going to let m e es c ape s o eas ily and he and the dog purs ued m e as I m ade for the s c hool hall. 'Y ou were the S S hoffic er in The S ound of M us ic , weren't you?' 'I was .' 'A ye, I thought it was you - the one who had to rus h off after the las t perform anc e bec aus e your wife was in hos pital having a baby.' 'T he very s am e,' I told him and added, 'S he had a boy, by the way.' A ny norm al pers on m ight have enquired after the baby, but no c ongratulations were forthc om ing. 'It was a right c arry-on was that,' he c om plained. 'Talk about bloody dram a. You rus hing about like a c hic ken with no head and that big wom an with the red lips tic k and a fac e like a battles hip s houting her head off, and that little produc er fellow nearly having a nervous breakdown on s tage.' I s peeded up but he kept apac e. 'I didn't know you were in this play.' 'J us t a s m all part,' I s aid, quic kening m y s tep. 'I s aid to that produc er of yours ,' he told m e, 'I s aid, why do you always have to do plays about the Nazis . A nybody'd think it was them what won the war. My father was a Dunkirk veteran and a m em ber of the Royal B ritis h Legion. He'd turn in his grave to s ee you lot m arc hing about in Germ an uniform s .' 'I'm a B ritis h s oldier,' I told him . He was n't going to be put off. 'W e've had Cabaret with blac k s hirts goos e-s tepping all over m y floor, S ound of M us ic with the Ges tapo c has ing nuns all over the plac e and now we've got the S S taking over the Channel Is lands . It'll be a m us ic al about Hitler next. W hy do they always do plays about the Nazis ?' 'I wouldn't know,' I s aid again, finally leaving him behind. 'I don't pic k the plays , I m erely ac t in them .' T he c aretaker s houted after m e, 'W ell, tell that produc er of yours to leave the plac e as he found it and you have to vac ate the prem is es before eight.' In the hall, a knot of people, wrapped up in thic k c oats with gloves and s c arves , was s tanding on s tage with Raym ond. T he produc er was enc as ed in a bright red duffel c oat, a woolly hat was pulled down over his ears and he was wearing m ultic oloured woollen gloves . He was barking out ins truc tions and the group didn't look partic ularly happy. I s tood at the bac k to watc h. 'I know it's c old, m y lovelies ,' Raym ond was telling them , 'but the s ooner we get m oving about, the s ooner we will get warm . Now, from the beginning of the ac t, pleas e, and Cec ile, darling, your line is : 'T hat young s oldier's at the door, m adam , with a m es s age for you' and not 'with a m as s age for you'. T here is a s ubtle differenc e.' 'B ut I'm try in' to do m i Frenc h ac c ent,' s aid the girl peevis hly, m oving from one foot to another to keep warm . S he was a large young wom an s wathed in a vas t khaki anorak with fur-lined hood and wearing s ubs tantial brown boots . S he looked as if s he c ould be auditioning for the m us ic al vers ion of 'E s kim o Nell'. 'It s ounds m ore s exy to 'ave a Frenc h ac c ent,' s he s aid. 'A nyway, m y m am s ays that if I was c alled Cec ile I would be Frenc h and I'd 'ave a Frenc h ac c ent.' 'A nd tell m e, S haron,' as ked Raym ond, c ontrolling his obvious irritation, 'does your m other have qualific ations in perform ing arts , dram atic produc tion and theatre direc tion?' 'No.' 'Did s he perhaps s tudy at RA DA ?' 'Rather what?' 'A nd is your m other produc ing this play?' 'No,' replied the girl, defens ively folding her arm s ac ros s her c hes t. 'W ell, I am ,' he told her, rais ing his voic e, 'and what I s ay, goes . Comprenez ?' 'E h?' 'T his is not a W hitehall farc e,' groaned Raym ond. 'It is a deeply poignant dram a about the trium ph of c ourage and pers everanc e over tyranny and oppres s ion and there is no plac e in it for a s exy Frenc h m aid. T his is one of the las t rehears als before the dres s rehears al, s o it's not the tim e to s uddenly try s om ething new. S o - s tic k to the E nglis h ac c ent, pleas e, but try not to m ake it s o Y orks hire.' 'It'd liven things up a bit,' obs erved one of the ac tors , 'a s exy Frenc h m aid and a Germ an s oldier offering the Dam e of S arka m as s age.' 'I c ould do with a m as s age,' announc ed a tall m an in a blac k overc oat, blac k leather gloves and a blac k trilby, s itting in one of the s eats at the s ide of the hall. 'I c an't feel m y feet, it's s o ruddy freezing. It's c older than a m orgue in here - and I s hould know.' T he figure in blac k was George Furnival, proprietor of Furnival's Funeral P arlour in Collington. He was a tall, c adaverous and s inis ter-looking individual with s hort blac k brilliantined hair parted down the m iddle. He had played the part of Herr Zeller, the Gauleiter, who c am e to arres t Captain von T rapp in the previous produc tion of The S ound of M us ic . I had thought at the tim e how perfec t he was for the part of an offic ial in the Nazi s ec ret polic e with his long pallid hum ourles s fac e and c old grey eyes . Here he was again in the role of the s inis ter Dr B raun, c overt Ges tapo offic er. He s uddenly c aught s ight of m e s tanding at the bac k and loudly announc ed the fac t. ''E y up, Colonel B lim p's arrived,' he c alled up to the s tage. 'A ll we need now is the pantom im e dam e and her hus band and we've very nearly got a full pac kof c ards .' Ray s wivelled round and gazed out into the hall. 'A t las t,' he s ighed, his breath plum ing out into the c old air, 'the Colonel's arrived. W e were going to s end out a s earc h party. I c an't tell you how s tres s ful it's been, Gervas e. It really has . T his is one of the las t rehears als and half the c as t is m is s ing. T here's no s ign of Margot and W inc o, and Mrs B is hop's c om e out in a ras h. T hen you didn't turn up for your s c ene. It's all too too m uc h. I feel like abandoning it - but that wouldn't be profes s ional.' 'I'm s orry,' I s aid, 'the m eeting went on rather longer than I thought.' 'T his is im portant you know, Gervas e,' Ray s aid s harply. 'T his is one of the las t opportunities we have before the dres s rehears al to get it right and it s till is far from perfec t.' 'W ell, s hall we get on with it, then?' c alled George from where he was s itting in the hall. 'T he s ooner we do, the s ooner we'll be on our way. I've got an extra-ordinary m eeting at the Rotary tonight, s o I c an't s tay m uc h longer.' 'Give m e s trength,' s aid Raym ond. 'W hy do I put m ys elf through this ? W hy do I bother? On s tage, pleas e, Gervas e. I'll read in the lines of the Dam e. Cec ile, you enter s tage right with Colonel Graham behind you. A nd c an you not s tom p on to the s tage like a c ons tipated elephant? Lightly, lightly does it. You s tride into the room , Gervas e, the c onquering hero, having jus t taken the Germ an s urrender. You look pretty pleas ed with yours elf. You s m ile, lookaround, nod knowingly. T hen you s alute and extend a hand to the Dam e and bow your head. I'd like to s ee a little m ore gravitas in your m anner, Gervas e, than I have s een to date. A t the las t rehears al, you tended to be a bit louc he.' 'Louc he?' I repeated. 'Rem em ber you c om m and a c rac k S c ottis h regim ent,' Raym ond told m e. 'W ill he be wearing a kilt?' as ked George. 'No, he won't,' I s aid quic kly. 'Or tartan trews ?' 'Definitely not! ' I told him . 'Now that's not a bad thought,' pondered Raym ond, tilting his head to one s ide and looking at m e as a profes s ional photographer m ight exam ine a m odel before taking the pic ture. 'It m ight be quite c olourful for you to appear on s tage, Gervas e, in a bright tartan. It would have to be a kilt, of c ours e, you don't really have the buttoc ks for trews .' 'Raym ond,' I s aid firm ly, 'there is no way I am wearing a kilt or tartan trews .' 'W ill I have a uniform this tim e, Raym ond?' as ked George. 'I had to wear a dirty old rainc oat in The S ound of M us ic and everybody els e was in uniform . E ven the nuns got to dres s up a bit.' 'W e will dis c us s your wardrobe, George, all in good tim e,' s aid the produc er, s till s taring at m e with the thoughtful expres s ion on his fac e. T he rehears al c ontinued until, ten m inutes later, the redoubtable Mrs Cleaver-Canning m ade her grand entranc e followed by her hus band, W inc o. He was an elderly, s lightly s tooping m an with thin wis ps of s andy-grey hair and a great handlebar m ous tac he and he was s truggling with a large ham per. T he Dam e of S ark was attired in a s ubs tantial fur c oat with m atc hing hat, puc e leather gloves and knee-length blac k boots . 'Com e along, W inc o,' s he s aid. 'Righto,' he growled. 'Margot! ' exc laim ed Raym ond, throwing up his hands . 'Y ou've arrived.' 'W ith s om e hot s oup and little nibbles to keep us going,' s he s aid. Des pite Raym ond's protes tations , the whole c as t des c ended on W inc o c hattering like a bunc h of exc ited s c hool c hildren. 'I give up,' he m oaned, flopping onto a c hair. 'I give up.' W hen the rehears al was finally over, I dec lined the invitation to join the res t of the c as t to go for a drink. I was keen to get hom e - not that I was going to s pend it quietly reading or watc hing televis ion. I knew I s till had quite a bit of preparation to do for the forthc om ing E nglis h c ours e, and a c ouple of s c hool reports to proof-read that evening. I was heading down the c orridor towards the front entranc e, when a s tentorian voic e ec hoed behind m e. 'Hold up! ' It was George Furnival. 'I want a word.' Now what, I thought. 'Y es , George?' I waited for him to c atc h m e up. 'Y ou, m y friend, m ight very well be the ans wer to m y prayers ,' he told m e, hurrying down the c orridor to join m e. T his s ounded om inous . 'I am not c arrying a c offin,' I s aid. 'No, no, it's nothing like that,' he s aid. 'I have all the pallbearers I need. A nyway you haven't got the right features for a funeral as s is tant. You have to have a m ournful expres s ion, a s orrowful c ountenanc e, and a s om bre outward bearing to c arry a c offin. You lookfar too fit and happy.' I didn't feel it at that m om ent. 'I'm in s earc h of a s peaker.' 'No, no,' I began, 'I know nothing whats oever about funerals .' 'Lis ten a m inute,' he s aid, extending a thin white hand, whic h he plac ed around m y s houlder. His c old grey eyes looked into m ine and I c ould s m ell the rather s ic kly odour of em balm ing fluid. 'I was jus t telling Margot Cleaver-Canning about the dreadful fix we're in over the Rotary Dis tric t Governor's Conferenc e in the Mem orial Hall tom orrow. T hat's why I'm rus hing to this extra-ordinary m eeting now. It's c ris is tim e. W e're s hort of a s peaker. W e have tried a num ber of people already but they're all booked up - inevitable, really - and I was as king Mrs Cleaver-Canning if W inc o m ight fill the s lot with m em ories of his wartim e experienc es as a fighter pilot, but they're going to be in London for s om e big A ir Forc e do, s o that's no good. A nyway, to c ut a long s tory s hort -' I knew full well what I was about to be as ked and m ade to m ove off. 'Goodnight, George. I really do need to get hom e.' 'Hold on, hold on! ' s aid George, gripping m y arm . 'Mrs Cleaver-Canning s aid you'd be jus t the tic ket.' 'I'm bus y tom orrow,' I s aid quic kly. 'Let m e finis h,' he s aid. 'T his is n't any old m eeting, you know. It's the highlight of our Rotary c alendar. T here'll be upwards of five hundred people there. One of the s peakers - Chuc k W is em an from S eattle, he's the International P res ident's repres entative, by the way, and we were s o over the m oon to have s ec ured him - well, he was to s peak but he's had to c anc el. W ell, he has n't had to c anc el as s uc h, but his widow has . I was looking forward to m eeting Chuc k and c om paring notes bec aus e he is , or was , I s hould s ay, in the s am e profes s ion, running a very s uc c es s ful funeral bus ines s in the S tates , very s uc c es s ful. You m ight have heard of it - the P rim ros e P ath B ereavem ent P arlour. T hey're way ahead of us in em balm ing over there, you know. A nyway, as I was s aying -' 'T his is all very interes ting, George,' I told him , looking at m y watc h, 'but I really c an't help.' 'It's only a paltry ten m inutes ,' he s aid. 'W ell, I c an't.' 'He was c arrying a c as ket out of the Heavenly Meadows Chapel of Res t to the s trains of E lvis P res ley s inging "Return to S ender" and he jus t keeled over.' 'W ho?' I as ked. 'Chuc k. Heart attac k. B es t way to go, in m y opinion. Fortunately, the bearers m anaged to hang on to the c offin - they c all them c as kets over there - otherwis e it would have been even m ore tragic if they had dropped the c orps e as well. T here's nothing wors e at a funeral than dropping the body. A nyway, he was going to s peak.' 'W ell, I'm not! ' I s aid firm ly. 'I have things planned for tom orrow.' 'Com e on, it's only ten m inutes of your tim e,' he pers is ted. 'W e've got a really good s peaker before you, a brigadier with experienc es of c om m anding front-line troops . S inc e you're playing a c olonel in the play you c ould pic kup a few tips .' 'No.' 'It's not that it's a dinner where you would have to s it through the m eal, and then lis ten to all the other s peakers . It is jus t ten m inutes of light-hearted banter before the Dis tric t Governor rounds things off.' 'Light-hearted banter! ' I repeated. 'I'm not a c om edian.' 'I know that and, as I s aid to Mrs Cleaver-Canning, a s c hool ins pec tor is n't likely to have us rolling about in the ais les , but we are des perate and s he s aid you'd s poken at her Golf Club Dinner and you were all right. S he als o s aid you didn't c harge a fee and s o they were able to afford a really good s peaker for the following year.' 'T hat's good to know,' I s aid, ac c epting the bac k handed c om plim ent with a wry s m ile. 'I'm glad I was 'all right'.' 'I m ean, we don't want anything s m utty, m ind. Rotarians are profes s ional bus ines s people. T hey don't like ris que m aterial. W e had a blue c om edian onc e who us ed the DG's wife as the butt of his jokes . W e don't want a repeat of that.' 'T here won't be anything s m utty, ris que or otherwis e, George,' I told him , 'bec aus e I am not doing it. Muc h as I would like to help, I c an't. I am really bus y tom orrow.' 'I s ee,' he s aid, looking deflated. 'W ell, you c an't s ay I didn't do m y bes t. A s I s aid, it would only be ten m inutes of your tim e whic h does n't s eem m uc h to as kand we would, of c ours e, be prepared, if you ins is ted, to give a donation to a c harity of your c hoic e and we are des perate. I unders tand the Com m ittee has tried everyone els e, but if you won't do it...' He looked at m e expec tantly. Malleable, J ulie had c alled m e and m alleable I was . 'Oh, for goodnes s s ake,' I s ighed. 'Go on, then, but ten m inutes only and not a s ec ond m ore.' 'Y ou're a gentlem an and a s c holar, that's what you are,' he s aid, c lapping m e on the bac k, 'and if you are ever in need of m y funeral s ervic es , I s hall be happy to give you a good dis c ount. T he c onferenc e s tarts at nine thirty but you needn't be there until eleven.' I heard the jangling of the keys that s ignalled the arrival of the c aretaker and a m om ent later he appeared like the Ghos t of Chris tm as P as t around the c orner. George obs erved him for a m om ent. 'Now, he'd be ideal as a pallbearer,' he s aid. 'Mind you, he would m ake a bloody good c orps e as well.' I duly arrived at the Mem orial Hall jus t before eleven the following m orning. T o be hones t, I was n't s orry to get out of the hous e bec aus e Chris tine was not bes t pleas ed at m y having agreed to give a talk on a S aturday m orning. S he had s aid s om e rather unflattering things about m y res olve to s ay No. I was m et in the foyer by a large m an s porting a s traw boater and wearing a bright yellow s as h with a wheel dis played prom inently on the front. 'I'm the S ergeant-at-A rm s ,' he announc ed, s m iling widely. 'W elc om e to the Dis tric t Governor's Conferenc e.' 'Good m orning,' I s aid. 'I'm one of the s peakers .' 'Chuc k?' 'No, no,' I s aid, 'I'm s tanding in for Chuc k.' 'Is he not well?' 'He's dead.' 'Oh dear,' he s aid, s haking his head. 'How did that happen, then?' 'He was c arrying a c offin - they c all them c as kets in the S tates - and I thinkhe had a heart attac k.' 'I s ee.'

'Fortunately they didn't drop the c offin.' 'T hat's a bles s ing, anyway. Does the Dis tric t Governor know that Chuc k won't be s peaking?' 'I believe s o, yes .' 'E verybody was expec ting Chuc k.' 'W ell, he's not here.' 'Y ou had better c om e this way. W here are you from ?' 'Hawk s rill.' 'W e've a Hawk s rill in Y orks hire, you know.' 'Y es , I know. I live there.' 'I thought you were from A m eric a.' 'No, that was Chuc k,' I s aid. 'P oor old Chuc k. Did you know him ?' 'No, I never m et him .' 'No, neither did I, but we were all looking forward to hearing him ,' s aid the m an dis c ons olately. 'P eople will be very dis appointed.' 'W ell, I'm afraid it c an't be helped,' I s aid. 'T hat's life, is n't it,' s aid the m an. 'It c om es to all of us eventually - death, I m ean.' 'I think perhaps I s hould be m aking a m ove,' I s aid. 'I'm s uppos ed to be s peaking in ten m inutes ' tim e.' 'T hings have been m oved bac k,' s aid the m an. 'T he brigadier's delayed. T hey're all having c offee at the m om ent s o you've plenty of tim e. I m ean, we c an't s tart proc eedings without the brigadier.' 'No,' I s ighed, 'I gues s not.' S o m uc h for the ten m inutes , I thought. 'Firs t-c las s s peaker, the brigadier, I'm told.' 'Y es , s o I hear. Inc identally, has George Furnival arrived yet?' I as ked. 'George? No. He had a ten o'c loc k funeral this m orning, and will be here a little late.' 'I s ee,' I s aid. I was s om ewhat irritated by the fac t that the pers on who had inveigled m e into doing this wretc hed talk would not be here him s elf. 'A re you a friend of George's , then?' as ked the S ergeantat-A rm s . 'Not really,' I s aid. 'I'm doing him a favour and s tanding in for Chuc k.' 'S o you're an undertaker like George, then?' 'No, a s c hool ins pec tor.' T he m an looked at m e for a m om ent. 'A s c hool ins pec tor?' 'T hat's right.' He s uc ked in his breath, 'A nd what are you talking to us about then?' 'My experienc es in educ ation.' 'Does n't s ound a barrel of laughs ,' he s aid. 'S till, you've got the brigadier,' I told him . 'T hat's true enough. W ell, if you'd like to follow m e,' s aid the m an, 'I'll take you to the Dis tric t Governor and his gues ts .' I was s hown into an ante-room by the S ergeant-at-A rm s . T here were s everal knots of m iddle-aged and elderly m en, all heavily c hained and bem edalled, in earnes t c onvers ation. I joined a m an s tanding by the window, furtively s m oking a c igarette. 'Good m orning,' I s aid. 'Morning,' he replied, breathing out a c loud of s m oke. 'Nas ty habit. I'm trying to give them up.' It c ertainly didn't look like it to m e. 'A re you a delegate?' 'I'm one of the s peakers ,' I told him . 'Oh, you m us t be Chuc k.' 'No, I'm not Chuc k. I'm s tanding in for him .' 'Is he ill?' as ked the m an. 'Dead,' I s aid. 'Dear, oh dear, how did that happen?' 'He was c arrying a c offin and had a heart attac k.' 'W ell,' s aid the m an, inhaling the s m oke from his c igarette, 'if you have to go, I s uppos e that's the bes t way.' He c oughed loudly. 'T hankfully they didn't drop the c offin that Chuc k was helping to c arry,' I told him . 'T here's a bles s ing,' s aid the m an. 'Could have been nas ty.' 'S o, you s ee, Chuc k c ouldn't m ake it,' I s aid, 'and I've been as ked to s peak ins tead.' 'I was really looking forward to hearing old Chuc k,' s aid the m an s adly. 'He was s uppos ed to be a brilliant s peaker, by all ac c ounts . S poke from the heart. S till, we've got the brigadier and are in for a real treat. Have you heard the brigadier s peak before?' 'No, I haven't.' 'S uppos ed to be one of the bes t s peakers in the B ritis h A rm y.' 'Really?' I was heartily s ic k and tired of hearing about the wonderful s peaking s kills of the brigadier s o dec ided to m ove on. 'If you'll exc us e m e,' I s aid, 'I m us t get s om e c offee.' Reac hing for a c offee c up, I ac c identally knoc ked the arm of the m an next to m e in the queue. 'I'm s orry -' I s tarted. T he m an turned s lowly and s m iled a wide rather unnerving s m ile. 'Hello, Gervas e,' he s aid pleas antly. 'Dr Gore! ' I s pluttered. 'A nd what are you doing here?' he as ked. 'I've been as ked to s peak,' I told him . 'Really?' 'I'm s tanding in for Chuc k.' 'Can't he m ake it?' I was tem pted to relate the whole s orry s aga again, but res is ted and s ettled for, 'He's indis pos ed.' 'P ity,' s aid Dr Gore, 'we were all looking forward to hearing him . Quite a s peaker, I am told. S till, we've got the brigadier to look forward to. T he brigadier c om es highly rec om m ended. S o you've been as ked to s peak to c onferenc e, have you?' 'George Furnival as ked m e to s tand in for Chuc k,' I s aid. 'A nd how do you know George?' he as ked. 'W e ac t together in the Fettle s ham Literary P layers ,' I told him . 'W ell, well, well. I didn't know you were an ac tor and a rac onteur as well as a s c hool ins pec tor.' 'I dabble,' I s aid. 'Good, good! I hear from Mrs S avage that arrangem ents are progres s ing very well for m y NA CA DS Conferenc e.' 'Y es , everything's in hand,' I told him . B utterflies were beginning to flutter unc ontrollably in m y s tom ac h. 'I s aid it would be a little job, not too onerous ,' s aid the CE O, s m iling his thin-lipped s m ile. 'A nyhow, I very m uc h look forward to hearing what you have to s ay about educ ation.' My heart now s ank down into m y s hoes . 'Nothing too c ontrovers ial, I hope.' 'No, no,' I s aid quic kly, 'nothing c ontrovers ial.' 'Y ou had better c om e and s ay hello to the Dis tric t Governor,' Dr Gore ins truc ted m e, taking m y arm . I ac c om panied the CE O dutifully and was introduc ed to a c raggy-fac ed m an with thic k wavy s ilver hair. 'I'm Harry Coc kburn,' he s aid, 'Dis tric t Governor, for m y s ins . A nd you m us t be the young m an George was telling m e about who has s o kindly s tepped into the breac h.' B efore I c ould ans wer a loud, hars h voic e I knew only too well c am e from behind m e. ''E gets everyweer, this c hap.' I turned to find a large m an with a fat red fac e, purple pitted nos e and m op of unnaturally s hiny, jet blac k hair. It was Counc illor George P eters on, the m os t s elf-opinionated and wearis om e m em ber of the E duc ation Com m ittee, and hus band of the head teac her of High c ops e P rim ary S c hool. 'Y ou know our s peaker then, Mr Deputy Mayor?' as ked the Dis tric t Governor. 'I do indeed,' s aid Counc illor P eters on, s tic king out his c hin. 'Gev m y wife a right goin' over when 'e hins pec ted 'er s c hool. Looked at every thin' from t'books in t'library to t'loc ks on t'lavatory doors .' 'Good m orning, Counc illor P eters on,' I s aid. 'Mr Deputy Mayor,' he c orrec ted m e. 'I've been elevated s inc e we las t m et. Oh yes ,' he c ontinued in that s trident tone of voic e, 'I know Mes ter P hinn very well. W e've c ros s ed s words - paradoxic ally, of c ours e - in t'pas t, 'ave we not, Mes ter P hinn?' I gave a weak s m ile. W hy had I let m ys elf get into this , I as ked m ys elf? Could things get wors e? Firs t, to have to deputis e for Chuc k, the outs tanding orator everyone was s o looking forward to hearing, then to have to s peak after the brilliant brigadier, and then to dis c over that m y bos s and Counc illor P eters on would be in the audienc e. A t that m om ent, I c om pletely identified with Raym ond's plaintive c ry that it was 'all too too m uc h'. 'I was jus t s aying to Dr Gore, Mr Deputy Mayor,' c om m ented the Dis tric t Governor, 'that it is very kind of Mr P hinn to s tand in for one of our s peakers who unfortunately is unable to be with us .' ''A ppen it is ,' s aid Counc illor P eters on, 'but I was n't aware that hoffic ers of the Hauthority were allowed to m oonlight.' 'I'm hardly m oonlighting, c ounc illor,' I told him , irritated by his c om m ent. 'I'm giving up a S aturday m orning to help a c olleague.' 'A ye, well, I would 'ave thought you 'ad enough on yer plate what wi' all thes e s c hool c los ures wi'out s peak in' at c onferenc es . I've s aid it onc e, and I'll s ay it again -' 'P leas e, Mr Deputy Mayor,' interrupted Dr Gore, 'let us not dis c us s E duc ation A uthority bus ines s . T hat is bes t left for the Counc il Cham ber.' ''A ppen s o,' s aid Counc illor P eters on, 'but it's hupperm os t in m y m ind at t'm om ent. I'm gerrin' a lot of flak, as you well know, Dr Gore. B ullets c om in' at m e from every direc tion, s am e as what I got when I tried, wi'out s uc c es s , I m ay add, to c los e t's c hool in the village where Mes ter P hinn lives .' 'I think it is s o very im portant to pres erve thes e little village s c hools ,' obs erved the Dis tric t Governor. 'T o m y m ind, they are s o m uc h a part of the fabric of rural exis tenc e and s o im portant in the life of the s m all c om m unity.' 'A ye, well, I c an s ee you've never 'ad to m anage a budget with a bloody gret defic it, Dr Coc kburn,' s aid Counc illor P eters on, c learly s tung by the rem ark. 'I c ould s ay a few things about 'os pitals and doc tors and t'was te in t'National 'E alth S ervic e, if I'd a m ind.' 'If indeed,' m urm ured the Dis tric t Governor. 'B eg pardon?' as ked Counc illor P eters on. 'I s aid, 'S hall I lead?' I think we are about to s tart.' T he S ergeant-at-A rm s s houted from the door. 'Mr Deputy Mayor, Dis tric t Governor, fellow Rotarians , honoured gues ts , gentlem en, if you pleas e. Could you take your s eats ? T he brigadier's c ar has been s ighted and is pulling into the c ar park.' I was c onduc ted to the wings of the s tage by the S ergeant-at-A rm s and told to wait while the brigadier, who would be s peaking before m e, was fres hening up. 'T hey like to look s m art and well pres ented, thes e m ilitary types ,' he s aid. I was getting m ore and m ore irritated as the tim e tic ked on. E ventually a wom an in a dark blue s uit joined m e. 'Good m orning,' s he s aid. 'Good m orning,' I replied. 'A re you one of the s peakers ?' s he as ked. 'I am ,' I s aid, 'I was s uppos ed to be on half an hour ago but we've all been waiting for this bloody brigadier. He's arrived at las t, but now we're waiting for him to powder his nos e, or s om ething.' T he wom an gave a lop-s ided s m ile. 'I'm the bloody brigadier,' s he s aid, holding out a hand. 'Nic e to m eet you.'

18 'It's the B lac k W idow on the phone for you,' s aid J ulie, grim ac ing, and pas s ing over the rec eiver as if it harboured s om e dire infec tion. It was a quarter to three on W ednes day afternoon and I was about to leave the offic e. 'W ho?' I as ked. 'B renda the Im paler. W ho do you think?' 'Mrs S avage?' 'Right! A nd, as us ual, s he s ounds as s harp as a bottle full of s ulphuric ac id. S hall I s ay you've already left?' 'No, no,' I s aid hurriedly. 'I had better s peak to her bec aus e it's probably about the m eeting later this afternoon.' I took the rec eiver from J ulie who waited, a hand on her hip, s m iling and lis tening. 'Mr P hinn?' c am e the brus que and im perious voic e. 'It is ,' I s aid. 'B renda S avage here. T here is a s light problem with regard to our intended vis it to Mans ton Hall this afternoon to dis c us s the arrangem ents for the NA CA DS Conferenc e. If you rec all, we agreed to m eet there for four o'c loc k. I'm afraid m y c ar is ... it's ... well, it won't s tart... s o I s hall have to travel with you.' 'T ravel with m e?' I repeated. J ulie pulled a fac e. 'Y es , indeed,' s aid Mrs S avage. 'T here is really no alternative.' 'T he problem about travelling with m e, Mrs S avage,' I told her, 'is that I have a c ouple of c alls to m ake on m y way to Mans ton Hall.' 'A c ouple of c alls ?' s he repeated. 'I agreed to c ollec t s om e things for S is ter B rendan at S t B artholom ew's .' 'Collec t s om e things ?' S he s ounded like an ec ho. 'Y es , S is ter B rendan is organis ing a c harity auc tion next weekin aid of dis advantaged c hildren and is c ollec ting c ontributions . Fettles ham S oc ial Club has donated a televis ion, Fine W ines of Fettles ham a c ouple of c as es of wine, and there's a ham per from Roper's S ales room . I have agreed to c ollec t them on m y way to Mans ton Hall, s o I c an drop them off when I vis it S t B artholom ew's on Friday. S o you s ee, I have to s et off quite a bit earlier - in fac t, I am jus t leaving now - and m y c ar will be pretty full.' J ulie rais ed a thum b and grinned at m e. 'Unfortunately, therefore, I c annot take you with m e.' 'I was n't aware that c ollec ting and delivering goods was part of the ins pec tor's duties ,' s he obs erved. 'It's no trouble,' I told her. W hat I s hould have s aid was it is really none of your bus ines s , but I bit m y lip. 'A ll the pic k-up points are en route to Mans ton Hall s o I am not going out of m y way and it is for a very good c aus e.' I often wondered why people felt it nec es s ary to explain them s elves to her. S he s eem ed to have this bizarre effec t. 'Nevertheles s , it does s eem to m e -' Mrs S avage began. 'S o you s ee,' I s aid, c utting her off m id-s entenc e, 'I have things to do and the c ar will be full. I s ugges t you get a taxi.' 'T hat is out of the ques tion! ' s he retorted s harply. 'T he County T reas urer would not be bes t pleas ed to rec eive a c laim for a taxi fare right out to Mans ton Hall, partic ularly when another m em ber of the E duc ation Departm ent will be going there. No, no, I s hall have to travel with you. W hen will you be ready?' I looked heavenwards and s ighed. 'A s I s aid, I'm jus t about to s et off.' 'W ell, if you c ould c ollec t m e from outs ide the m ain entranc e to County Hall in ten m inutes , I -' 'Mrs S avage,' I s aid, interrupting her again, 'you m ay rec all the c onvers ation we had the other weekon the top c orridor of County Hall, when you were at great pains to point out to m e that the ins pec tors ' offic e is but a s hort dis tanc e and it is not that onerous for us to walkover. I am s ure, therefore, that it would not be too m uc h of a hards hip for you to 'walkover' and m eet m e here. It's s uc h a lovely s unny day, too. A part from anything els e, I would not want to venture near County Hall in c as e I am c lam ped.' T here was a s ilenc e at the end of the line. I c ould vis ualis e her, drum m ing her long, red-nailed fingers tes tily on the des ktop, her fac e tightening with dis pleas ure. J ulie c ontinued to m ake fac es at m e. 'V ery well, Mr P hinn,' s he s aid at las t. 'I s hall be with you direc tly.' 'I'll m eet you in the c ar parkouts ide this offic e.' I put down the phone. 'S he's c om ing over,' I told J ulie. 'W ell done! ' s he s aid s arc as tic ally. 'Y ou had every reas on not to take that wom an with you to Mans ton Hall, yet here you are about s et off with venom ous B renda. I jus t hope you live to tell the tale.' 'I'll try.' 'W hy c an't s he m ake her own way there?' J ulie as ked. 'Her c ar won't s tart.' 'W hat, that s wanky red s ports c onvertible?' 'It appears s o,' I s aid. 'S he c ould get a bus .' 'Now, c an you im agine Mrs S avage on a bus ?' 'T ell her to get on her bike, then,' s aid J ulie. 'I c an jus t s ee it,' I laughed. 'Mrs S avage on a bic yc le! ' 'W ell, I hope for your s ake s he gets her c ar fixed s oon, otherwis e you'll be c hauffeuring her all round the plac e, and people will s tart talking.' 'T hat I s hall not be doing! ' I s pluttered. 'W ell, you are today,' s aid J ulie, teetering towards the door on her ridic ulous ly high heels . 'T he trouble with you is that you're too eas ily pers uaded. Dr Gore gives you all thos e "little jobs ", S is ter B rendan has you c ollec ting things for her raffle, and now the B ride of Drac ula has you c hauffeuring her around. You ought to put your foot down.' B efore I c ould res pond, J ulie was through the door. 'S ee you tom orrow,' s he c alled over her s houlder, 'if you s urvive this afternoon, that is .' * Mrs S avage kept m e waiting a good ten m inutes , and I was about to go when s he eventually appeared, s trolling down the white gravel path leading from County Hall to where I was parked. For all the world, s he looked like a m odel from a fas hion m agazine dres s ed to kill. S he was wearing a grey herringbone tweed jac ket with blac k velvet c ollar and c uffs , a blue penc il s kirt and navy s uede s hoes A round her s houlders was draped a pale brown woollen overc oat, while tuc ked under one arm was an expens ive-looking ruc hed velvet handbag and s he was c arrying a s lim leather doc um ent c as e. S he had obvious ly m ade a c ons iderable effort, and would appear very m uc h at hom e am ongs t the aris toc rats at Mans ton Hall. In fac t, s he looked every inc h a duc hes s . A s s he c lim bed into the c ar, her os tentatious jewellery jangling, s he s niffed the air. 'B abies ,' I s aid. 'I beg your pardon?' 'T he s m ell of babies ,' I s aid. 'It's m y little boy. He tends to s plas h a bit when he has his m ilk.' 'I s ee.' 'T he s m ell lingers .' 'Y es , it does ,' s he agreed, winding down the window a frac tion. S he then produc ed a bottle of s c ent from her handbag and s prayed hers elf liberally. I s et off. T here was an em barras s ed s ilenc e as we m ade our way down Fettles ham High S treet. It appeared that Mrs S avage was not, for onc e, in a very talkative m ood. 'S o what's wrong with your c ar?' I as ked, dec iding to break the ic e. 'Oh, it's ... er... s om ething m ec hanic al,' s he replied evas ively, exam ining a long red nail. 'Did it jus t c ut out,' I as ked, 'or wouldn't it s tart?' 'I don't know anything about c ars ,' s he s aid dis m is s ively, turning to s tare out of the window. Good grac ious , I thought, s o there is s om ething that Mrs S avage does n't know about. T here was another protrac ted s ilenc e. 'A nd how are the s c hool c los ures progres s ing?' I as ked. 'S lowly,' s he replied. 'T hings c ertainly s eem ed to have m oved with regard to the s c hools I have been involved with,' I told her. 'T he s c hools at Ugglem atters by are s om ewhat different,' s he s aid. 'T hey are not in ac tual fac t c los ing, they are m erely am algam ating. E veryone there, with the exc eption of a few m averic ks , as Dr Gore is wont to c all them , is in favour. W ould that were the c as e with the others .' 'S o they're not going too well?' I as ked. 'I am not at liberty, Mr P hinn,' s he s aid, 'to dis c us s the other s c hools .' A nd that was the extent of our c onvers ation until we arrived at our firs t port of c all. A fter I had c ollec ted the two c as es of wine from Fine W ines of Fettles ham , and a ham per from Roper's S ales room , we left the c entre of Fettles ham , and headed for the rather ins alubrious northern s ide of the town. T he area was run down, and the road s weepers that kept the High S treet as neat as a pin obvious ly never c am e out here. I pulled up outs ide an ugly grey building. High walls topped with broken glas s enc los ed the litter-s trewn c ar park. A s ign above the entranc e announc ed in large red letters , 'FE T T LE S HA M W ORK ING ME N'S CLUB '. B elow it, a notic e warned would-be tres pas s ers that they would be pros ec uted, that the building was protec ted by s ec urity c am eras and alarm s , that guard dogs patrolled and that no m oney was kept on the prem is es . 'I s han't be a m om ent,' I told Mrs S avage. 'I don't intend to rem ain in the c ar,' s he told m e c urtly, hurriedly unfas tening the s afety belt. 'T his area does not look at all s afe and I would be foolhardy indeed to be s itting here with two c as es of wine and a ham per full of food on the bac k s eat. I'd be a s itting target for m uggers .' S he touc hed the gold nec klac e at her nec k. 'I s hall c om e in with you.' P as ted on the wall outs ide the c lub, between the graffiti, was a s eries of bright and s howy pos ters , advertis ing the 's tar turns ' that were due to appear. T he firs t one brought a grin to m y lips . 'Hello to S tripteas e! ' it s tated in large red letters . 'Featuring the ravis hing and adorable B ig B renda of the B ody B eautiful. S he's pert, pleas ing and tas ty.' Mrs S avage averted her eyes . A nother pos ter announc ed, 'Olga, one of S weden's lovelies t m odels and her m uff in c las s ic al nude s tudies . S he's s auc y, s pic y and s exy.' 'A re we going to be long in this es tablis hm ent?' as ked Mrs S avage, looking dec idedly unc om fortable. 'Not long,' I replied jovially. A fter repeated ringing and banging, I m anaged to gain the attention of s om eone who poked his tous led head out of an ups tairs window. He looked like a tortois e em erging from its s hell. 'W hat?' he s houted. 'It's Mr P hinn,' I s houted bac k. 'W ho?' 'Mr P hinn. I think you were expec ting m e.' 'Y ou're early! ' he s napped. 'I c an't rec all giving a tim e,' I replied. 'W ell, you're early,' he repeated. 'I was told you'd be arriving at s ix. I haven't had tim e to finis h the c leaning. I've the dres s ing room s to finis h and then the bar to s ort out.' 'T here's no need to worry about that,' I c alled up to him . A group of youths appeared from around the c orner of the s treet and paus ed to obs erve us . One wolf-whis tled. 'Do you think we m ight get ins ide?' as ked Mrs S avage, s tepping c los er to m e. 'S hall I c all bac klater?' I as ked the head at the window. 'No, hang on, I'll c om e down.' A fter a great deal of nois e from c hains and bolts from the other s ide, the s ubs tantial door finally opened. A n overweight and under-s haved m an, dres s ed in a threadbare c ardigan and s hapeles s grey flannel trous ers , peered m yopic ally at m e. A c igarette dangled from the c orner of his m outh. 'Y ou'd better c om e in,' he s aid. 'I'm Reg, by the way. W atc h them barrels . I'll have to s hift them before tonight's s how. Y ou'll be pleas ed to hear that it's a full hous e. V ery popular is Friday night. W e've got Dougie Draper, the c om edian. Have you heard of him ?' 'No, I'm afraid not,' I s aid, following the m an, with Mrs S avage c los e behind. 'He's brilliant! ' exc laim ed Reg. 'B ac k by popular dem and. Has them rolling in the ais les and he's got a lovely voic e. A nd then we've got P ats i Ronaldo with 'S ongs from the S hows '. S he's appeared here a few tim es . B it pas t it now, but s he c an s till belt out a good num ber.' 'S ounds a good evening,' I s aid. 'Oh yes , we have c las s ac ts here,' the m an s aid. 'T he s ound s ys tem is on the blinkagain, but we've got s om eone c om ing to s ee about it.' I had no idea why the m an thought I would be interes ted in all this tec hnic al inform ation but I nodded politely and s aid, 'Really?' Reg tookus into the vas t hall, whic h had a big s tage at the far end, a long c urved bar area, an as s ortm ent of tables and c hairs , while the unm is takable s m ell of s tale beer, old s m oke and toilets perm eated the air. T he walls , painted in garis h greens and blues , were lined with photographs , no doubt of perform ers who had appeared at the c lub. T he grubby c aretaker s tared at Mrs S avage as s he walked into the room with her us ual long and dec is ive s tep. He obs erved her as one m ight s tudy a s trange dec orative item on s how in s om eone's hous e. Mrs S avage s niffed the air, plac ed a finger delic ately under her nos e then s at down at a s m all round plas tic topped table near the door, having firs t dus ted down the plas tic c hair with her hand. From her ruc hed handbag, s he produc ed her perfum e, and s prayed her wris ts liberally. S he looked m os t ill at eas e, perc hed on the edge of the c hair. Her fac e was as s et as a death m as k. 'W ould you like a drink?' Reg as ked, s till with his eyes fixed on Mrs S avage. 'No, thank you,' I replied. 'W hat about... er...' he ges tured in Mrs S avage's direc tion. 'I don't think s o,' I s aid. T he m an turned s lightly s o we were fac ing away from the door and from where Mrs S avage was s itting. He leaned towards m e and whis pered, 'Y ou'd never tell, would you?' 'T ell what?' I as ked, rec oiling from the m an's foul breath. 'Y ou know.' 'No, I'm afraid I don't.' He c am e c los er. 'T hat it was a m an.' 'W hat?' I s aid. 'I hones tly don't know what you're on about.' 'W e've had one or two perform ing here before but I c ould always tell. It's the hands that are the give-away, that and the prom inent A dam 's apple. Yes , I've s een one or two in m y tim e,' he c ontinued in a hus hed voic e, 'but I have to s ay, he's the bes t. He's inc redible. S pit and im age of Danny la Rue. I s uppos e he's had c os m etic s urgery and had his horm ones s een to and, of c ours e, m ake-up c overs up a m ultitude but he c ertainly c ould have fooled m e.' W as I in s om e parallel univers e? 'W hat on earth are you talking about?' I as ked. 'V eronic a.' 'W ho?' He tilted his head in the direc tion of Mrs S avage. 'Him , the fem ale im pers onator.' 'Fem ale im pers onator! ' I exc laim ed. 'I think we have s om e c ros s ed wires here. W ho in heaven's nam e do you think I am ?' 'Y ou're the agent for V eronic a, the fem ale im pers onator who's appearing here tonight.' T hen a s hadow of doubt c ros s ed his fac e. 'A ren't you?' He nodded towards Mrs S avage. 'T hat's V eronic a, the drag ac t, is n't it?' I nearly c hoked. 'No, no, I've c om e to c ollec t the televis ion for S is ter B rendan's c harity auc tion. T hat's ... that's not a m an - it's Mrs S avage! ' 'B loody Nora! ' he exc laim ed. 'I'm s orry, m ate, I thought you were this evening's drag ac t. I've been expec ting them for a s ound and lighting c hec k before the s how. A nd when I s aw you both s tanding out there, well, I put two and two together.' 'How long is this going to take?' as ked Mrs S avage im patiently, getting to her feet and s m oothing her hands down the front of her s kirt. T he m an s tarted to s tifle a laugh and s o did I. Our am us em ent bec am e s o m uc h greater when we c aught s ight of the s tiff-bac ked figure with the s tony c ountenanc e, looking at us as if we had both gone c om pletely m ad. T hankfully, it appeared that Mrs S avage hadn't heard any of the previous exc hange. 'Y ou won't tell her, will you?' Reg s pluttered. 'No, no, of c ours e not,' I replied as I headed for the door, indic ating to Mrs S avage that we were on our way. A few m inutes later, the televis ion s et was s afely s towed on the bac k s eat, and we s et off for Mans ton Hall. 'S om ething s eem s to have am us ed you and that awful m an,' Mrs S avage s aid as we drove out of the c ar park. 'Y es ,' I s aid, s m iling. S he was c learly c urious . 'A re you going to s hare it with m e?' s he as ked. I thought for a m om ent. 'It was nothing, really,' I s aid. 'Not worth bothering about. I'm s ure you'd find it a bit of a drag if I told you.'

and along a s eem ingly endles s avenue of beec h trees , until he arrives at this perfec tly proportioned early eighteenth-c entury m ans ion. B uilt in warm , red bric k and s tanding s quare and s olid am ongs t lawns , ros e gardens , s c enic lakes and woodland, it had been the hom e of the Courtnay-Cunningham e fam ily s inc e the eighteenth c entury. I pulled up in front of the flight of s teps that c lim bed up to the great blac k front door, whic h was flanked by two s tone pillars . A bove, c arved into the s tone lintel, was the fam ily m otto writ proud and large: Lanc as triens es manu dei oc c idantur.I s m iled to m ys elf. My Latin was n't that good, but I got the gis t. A s Mrs S avage and I got out of the c ar, the door opened and a tall m an appeared and s tood at the top of the s teps , his feet s lightly apart and his hands in the poc kets of his dark green c orduroy trous ers . 'Mr P hinn, is it?' he c alled down. 'T hat's right.' 'Y ou were expec ted,' he s aid. 'Do c om e along up.' T he s peaker was a s triking-looking m an with broad, brown fac e c reas ed on the forehead and around the eyes , and with a c rop of c urly brown hair - attrac tively flec ked with grey at the tem ples . His gaze s ettled on Mrs S avage as s he c am e up the s teps towards him . 'T his is Mrs S avage,' I told him , 'Dr Gore's P ers onal A s s is tant.' 'I s ay,' he m urm ured, c learly taken with the vis ion who, having got to the top of the s teps , s troked the c reas es out of her s kirt, draped her c oat around her s houlders and looked around im perious ly. S he nodded at the m an. 'I'm T adge, by the way,' he s aid, giving her a broad and winning s m ile. 'Good afternoon,' s he s aid form ally. 'Good journey?' as ked the m an. 'Interes ting,' replied Mrs S avage. Her tone was undis guis edly s arc as tic . 'T he las t tim e I c am e to Mans ton Hall,' I s aid, 'it was s hrouded in thic ks now. It looks very different at this tim e of year. V ery beautiful.' 'A utum n is m y m os t favourite s eas on,' s aid the m an. 'T he c olours are m agnific ent, the beec hes in partic ular...' he waved his hand towards the beec h avenue we had driven through. 'A ll the golden and red, the brac ken s lopes rus ty brown and, of c ours e -' 'Do you think we m ight go ins ide?' enquired Mrs S avage. 'It is getting quite c hilly.' 'Of c ours e, of c ours e,' he s aid. 'How very rem is s of m e. Do c om e along in.' T he s pac ious entranc e hall, whic h was dec orated in the pales t of yellows and blues , was dom inated by a m agnific ent ornately-c arved c him neypiec e in white Italian m arble. Hanging above was a large oil painting depic ting a heavily bem edalled, m ous tac hioed and s evere-looking s oldier in c rim s on uniform . 'One of the anc es tors ,' T adge explained, s eeing m e lookup at it. 'Not a happy c happie, is he?' Tadge led us from the hall and down a long c orridor, pas t num erous s hut doors , to the room I knew was the library. On m y firs t vis it to Mans ton Hall - on another of Dr Gore's 'little jobs ', of c ours e - we had m et in this elegant room . T he walls were lined with bookc as es , from floor to c eiling, and there was a not unpleas ant s m ell of leather from the hands om e bindings . Over the fireplac e was a large portrait of a young wom an with pale blue eyes and a dream y look. Dres s ed for the hunt, s he was as tride a das hing c hes tnut hors e. I didn't rem em ber s eeing that before. 'W hat a hands om e room ,' obs erved Mrs S avage, taking in everything with a s weep of her head. S he then glanc ed in m y direc tion. 'S om ewhat a c ontras t to the las t one we were in.' S he allowed hers elf a s m all, s elf-s atis fied s m ile. Our hos t indic ated a large green leather arm c hair. 'Do have a s eat, Mr P hinn,' he s aid to m e, s m iling. He waited until Mrs S avage was s eated on the m atc hing c hes terfield s ofa and then s at down bes ide her. T he m an s tared at her like a hungry c at m ight watc h a bowlful of goldfis h. 'I've arranged for a c up of tea later, when we've dealt with all the bus ines s ,' he s aid. 'I thought we'd dis c us s your requirem ents firs t and then have a lookaround the hous e.' Mrs S avage opened the leather doc um ent c as e, rem oved a wad of papers and put on a pair of s tylis h s m all gold-rim m ed s pec tac les . 'W e have two halls ,' s aid Tadge, 'North and S outh. E ither would be s uitable as the m ain c onferenc e hall. I s ugges t you have the lec tures in one and the exhibitions in the other. Delegates are very welc om e to us e the billiard room , this room and the dining room but the drawing room and the m orning room - the private apartm ents - will not be available. Of c ours e, the grounds are -' 'E xc us e m e,' interrupted Mrs S avage, her c arefully-pluc ked eyebrows arc hing, 'do I take it that y ou will be liais ing with us ?' 'T hat's right,' T adge replied good-hum ouredly. 'Oh,' s he s aid, c learly s ounding dis appointed. 'My unders tanding was that Lord Marric k would be m eeting with us to dis c us s arrangem ents for the c onferenc e.' 'He's with the gam ekeeper at the m om ent,' s he was told, 'but he will be along later.' 'S o he is leaving the organis ation to y ou?' as ked Mrs S avage, s tres s ing the las t word. Her tone was as s harp as ever. 'Y es , indeed.' For goodnes s s ake, I thought, will the wom an s hut up! 'Mrs S avage -' I s tarted. 'One m om ent, Mr P hinn,' s he s aid. 'I do like to know with whom I am dealing. I take it then, Mr T adge, that you are Lord Marric k's s ec retary or an adm inis trator of s om e kind?' 'I s uppos e I am , in a way,' s aid T adge, s m iling widely. 'W ell, you are or you are not,' s aid Mrs S avage, s om ewhat c oldly and pulling one of her fac es . Her tone bordered on the brus que. 'I do like to know with whom I am liais ing. A s Mr P hinn is well aware, on previous oc c as ions when I have been as ked to take on various initiatives , there have been c ertain c ros s ed wires and m is unders tandings .' 'May we get on with the m eeting, Mrs S avage,' I s aid irritably. 'No, no, Mr P hinn,' s aid our hos t am iably. 'I foolis hly im agined you knew who I was . I c learly didn't introduc e m ys elf properly. I deal with m os t of the bus ines s now at Mans ton Hall, running the es tate, m anaging the bus ines s interes ts .' 'Oh, I s ee,' s he s aid. 'S o you are the E s tate Manager?' 'I'm Lord Marric k's s on,' replied the m an. 'T adge Mans ton.' Mrs S avage jum ped as if touc hed by a c attle prod. 'Oh! ' s he exc laim ed. 'Lord Marric k's s on?' 'Mos t people c all m e T adge - it c om es from m y nam es , T hom as , A rthur, D'A ubney, George, E dm und Courtnay-Cunningham e - V is c ount Mans ton, if you want the full thing. B it of a m outhful, is n't it?' Mrs S avage's dem eanour c hanged c om pletely. 'Oh,' s he c ooed, s m iling s o widely that it was a wonder s he didn't leave trac es of her red lips tic kon the lobes of her ears . 'I'm s o very s orry, Lord Mans ton. Y ou m us t have thought m e extrem ely rude. I had no idea you were Lord Marric k's s on.' 'P leas e, pleas e, Mrs S avage,' he s aid, patting her hand. 'T hink nothing of it. I don't s tand on m y dignity. Dignity to m e is like a top hat, it looks rather s illy when you s tand on it.' S he ought to take a leaf out of his book, I thought to m ys elf. 'I'm s o s orry. I jus t didn't realis e who you were,' s aid Mrs S avage in a s yrupy tone of voic e. S he looked quite flus tered. 'T hat's the s ec ond c as e of m is taken identity in one day,' I s aid. 'Did you s ay s om ething, Mr P hinn?' as ked Mrs S avage tartly. 'No, nothing,' I s aid, s m irking before as king, 'S hall we get bac k to the bus ines s in hand?' T adge took us on a tour of the hous e, at leas t of the room s whic h the c onferenc e delegates would be perm itted to us e. W hen we returned to the library, a tray with the prom is ed pot of tea was waiting for us . A s we finalis ed the arrangem ents for the NA CA DS Conferenc e, Mrs S avage never took her fluttering eyes off T adge Mans ton, and s m iled wins om ely every tim e he opened his m outh. He, too, s eem ed equally s truc k with Mrs S avage. I m ight have been invis ible for all the notic e they took of m e. 'W ell, Lord Mans ton,' s aid Mrs S avage finally, 'I thinkwe have dealt with everything m os t s atis fac torily, and m ay I s ay it has been a very great pleas ure and indeed a privilege to have m et you and to have been m ade s o very welc om e.' 'T he pleas ure was entirely m ine, Mrs S avage,' he replied, patting her hand that was lying on the c hes terfield next to him , 'and do pleas e c all m e T adge. E veryone does .' 'T adge,' s he s aid with a s m all s m ile. 'A nd I do hope you will c all m e B renda.' I was beginning to feel like a goos eberry s o to put an end to their little c onv ers az ione - as S idney would have s aid - I c oughed. 'W as it your s on, T adge, that I m et when I vis ited Mans ton S c hool?' I enquired. T hat obs ervation s hould pour c old water on their intim ate little c hinwag, I thought. 'S orry, what did you s ay?' his lords hip as ked, jus t about m anaging to take his eyes off Mrs S avage. 'Y our s on,' I s aid. 'I believe I m et him when I vis ited the s c hool on your es tate.' 'Y oung T om m y?' he s aid. 'He was a bright boy as I rem em ber,' I told him . 'Y es , he's got quite a bit about him ,' T adge s aid. 'A t prep s c hool now, at Crans worth, and doing very well by all ac c ounts . He's had a rough tim e of it over the las t c ouple of years .' 'Oh dear,' s aid Mrs S avage, with a rare s how of s ym pathy. It was c lear s he was determ ined not to be exc luded from the c onvers ation. T adge turned to Mrs S avage. 'His m other died when he was s ix,' he s aid, nodding s adly and looking up at the portrait above the fireplac e. 'I am s o s orry,' s aid Mrs S avage, following his gaze to the portrait. 'W as that your wife?' 'It was . S he had a riding ac c ident, fell from her hors e at a jum p, broke her nec k.' 'How tragic ,' s aid Mrs S avage. '"W ho never ate his bread in s orrow,' s aid Lord Mans ton, '"who never s pent the m idnight hours , weeping and wailing for the m orrow, he knows ye not, ye heavenly powers ."' 'I beg your pardon?' s aid Mrs S avage. 'Goethe,' he replied. 'Of yes , of c ours e,' s he s aid. T here was a s igh. S he looked wis tfully through the window. 'I too los t a s pous e and know full well how it feels to be left alone in the world.' 'Really?' T adge s aid, leaning forward. B efore Mrs S avage c ould regale us with the tragic details of her dear departed hus band, and m uc h to m y relief, the door burs t open and Lord Marric k m ade his ebullient entranc e. Valentine Courtnay-Cunningham e, the 9th E arl Marric k, MC, DL was a rotund, ruddy-c heeked individual with a great walrus m ous tac he and hair s hooting up from a s quare head. I had m et Lord Marric k on a num ber of previous oc c as ions - at interviews for teac hing pos ts , E duc ation Com m ittee m eetings , governors ' c onferenc es and various s c hool events , and always found him an extrem ely warm , good-hum oured and plain-s poken m an with a deep s ens e of reverenc e for the land his fam ily had owned for m any generations . 'My apologies for not being here to greet you,' he growled, s lam m ing the door s hut behind him . 'B it of bus ines s with the gam ekeeper. Good to s ee you, Mrs S avage, Mr P hinn. I hope m y s on has been taking c are of you both?' 'Y es , indeed,' replied Mrs S avage. 'Good s how,' replied Lord Marric k, at whic h point there was a c ras hing nois e from the other s ide of the library door, and the earl m oved to open it. T wo bulldogs c atapulted into the room and rus hed ac ros s to jum p up at T adge's c hair. 'Get down, you brutes ,' he s aid good-naturedly. 'Y ou're wet! Go and lie down.' T he two barrel-bodied anim als , drooling from their pink jowls , am bled ac ros s the floor and c ollaps ed in front of the fireplac e. I had m et them on previous vis its to Mans ton Hall, but I notic ed Mrs S avage was eyeing them with grave s us pic ion. 'S orry about that,' s aid Lord Marric k. 'A nyway, everything's s orted out for this c onferenc e, is it?' 'It is ,' I replied. Lord Marric kturned to his s on. 'S till trying to c atc h the blighters ,' he s aid. 'J am es on's s et a c ouple m ore traps near the forty-ac re. J us t a m atter of tim e before we get 'em .' 'Is it poac hers ?' enquired Mrs S avage. 'S quirrels , Mrs S avage,' replied the peer. 'S quirrels ! ' T hen he turned to m e. 'Do you know anything about s quirrels , Mr P hinn?' he as ked. 'S quirrels ?' I m urm ured, with a s inking feeling but attem pting to lookas ins ouc iant as pos s ible. 'S quirrels ,' he repeated. I c ould feel m ys elf c olouring up. T he gam ekeeper had told him about m y releas ing the s quirrels on his land, I was s ure of it. Now he was s etting m antraps . 'I c an't s ay I know a great deal about s quirrels ,' I s aid. 'W e have rather an odd problem with s quirrels on the es tate at the m om ent. T he firs t we knew about it was when the loc al rag printed a report of a new breed of s quirrels having been s een up in the woods near the forty-ac re. S een by a party of wretc hed ram blers who were walking there, and one of them s ent a report in to the news paper. T hey c laim ed to have s een a c ros s between a red and a grey s quirrel - had grey c oats , white bellies and bright red tails . W ould you believe it, tails as red as a pillar box! ' Lord Marric k brus hed a hand ac ros s his large m ous tac he. 'S tuff and nons ens e, of c ours e, reds and greys don't interbreed. A ny dam n fool knows that.' I gulped. 'Really? S quirrels with red tails . How unus ual.' 'I've no idea what they are. Had the fellows from CA P OW s niffing around - that's the Countrys ide A s s oc iation for the P rotec tion of W ildlife,' he expanded. 'If I have m y way, it won't be a c as e of 'protec tion', I c an tell you, when we c atc h up with the varm ints . W rec km y trees , they do. A nyhow, J am es on and I have been putting out traps this afternoon.' 'A m azing,' s im pered Mrs S avage. 'Grey s quirrels with red tails .' 'Onc e we c atc h them ,' s aid Lord Marric k, 'the wildlife people c an do what they like with them - s o long as it is a long way away from m y woods .' 'Y ou think you'll c atc h them , then?' I as ked in the m os t innoc ent of voic es . 'Oh, we'll c atc h them all right,' growled the peer, 'and then we'll get to the bottom of this daft bloody bus ines s . P ardon m y Frenc h, Mrs S avage. Grey s quirrels with red tails , I as k you! ' 'Might s om e c hildren have painted their tails red for a prank?' s ugges ted Mrs S avage. 'It is jus t the s ort of thing s om e repellent boy would do.' I c ould have s trangled her. 'Now there's a thought,' m us ed Lord Marric k. 'Y ou m ight jus t have s om ething there, Mrs S avage, and if it is m is c hievous young hooligans , I won't tell you what J am es on will do to them if he get his hands on them . T he trouble they've c aus ed him .' 'P erhaps we s hould be m aking trac ks , Mrs S avage,' I s aid, keen to put an end to the c onvers ation and s ee the bac k of Mans ton Hall.

19 'You're a s aint,' trilled S is ter B rendan, the headteac her at S t B artholom ew's Rom an Catholic Infant S c hool, as I lugged the las t of the donations into her offic e. T he nun, a dim inutive wom an with s m all, s parkling blac k eyes and a little beak of a nos e, was like a twittering blac kbird. 'It is s o very good of you to c ollec t all thes e item s for m y auc tion. I am s ure we will rais e a veritable fortune for thos e poor unfortunate c hildren. P eople have been s o generous .' 'I've been c alled a num ber of things in m y life, S is ter,' I told her, panting under the weight of the huge ham per, 'but never a s aint.' 'W e all have the m akings of a s aint within us , Mr P hinn,' s he told m e. 'J us t put the ham per down there near m y des k, will you? My goodnes s , you look quite out of breath. W ould you like to s it down for a m om ent?' 'No, no, S is ter,' I s aid, breathing heavily and wiping m y brow. 'I'm fine. It was jus t rather heavier than I im agined, and it's quite a walk from the c ar park.' T he s c hool c aretaker, an em ac iated individual in a s potles s brown overall and with a fac e the c olour of putty, had obs erved m e without a word as I had s truggled with m y burden but never s ugges ted giving a helping hand. 'I would have as ked the c aretaker to help,' s aid the nun, peering into the ham per, 'but s inc e his heart m urm ur, he c an't exert him s elf or get exc ited. A nd, of c ours e, he gets vertigo s o c an't c lim b ladders , and then there's his as thm a... P oor m an, he c an't c arry or c lim b or dus t. He's a m artyr, is Mr S harroc k, a true m artyr.' He s ounded like a walking pathologic al m us eum and not a great deal of us e as a c aretaker, I thought, but I didn't c om m ent.'W ell, S is ter,' I s aid, 'that's the lot. Good luc k with your auc tion. I m us t be m aking trac ks .' 'Y ou c an't leave without having a little tour of the s c hool! ' c ried the nun. 'A c tually, I'm in rather a hurry, S is ter,' I told her. 'I have an appointm ent with the headteac her of Crom pton P rim ary S c hool, and Mrs Gardiner is a bit of a s tic kler when it c om es to punc tuality.' I glanc ed at m y watc h. 'In fac t, s he will be expec ting m e about now.' 'Com e on! It's not half pas t eight yet,' s aid S is ter B rendan, 'and Crom pton P rim ary is jus t round the c orner. Y ou c an't leave before having a little look round the s c hool and Mrs W ebb, m y wonderful as s is tant, will be devas tated if you leave before s aying hello.' S he was s om ewhat fond of the hyperbole was S is ter B rendan. 'No, I really m us t go, S is ter,' I s aid. 'P erhaps another tim e.' 'J us t a few m inutes ,' pleaded the nun. 'P leas e.' I s urrendered. 'V ery well, jus t a few m inutes .' T he headteac her took m e on a tour of the s c hool, gliding down the c orridor before m e as if s he were on c as tors , s topping oc c as ionally to adm ire a c hild's painting or to tell m e how well the pupils were progres s ing. S t B artholom ew's was indeed a ric h and c olourful plac e and s he was jus tifiably proud. I finally es c aped - or thought I had. S is ter B rendan c am e out into the playground with m e, to s ee m e off to the c ar park. 'A h, here's Mrs W ebb,' s aid S is ter, 'm anning the yard as us ual. Look who I've brought to s ee you,' s he told the teac her. 'Oh, S is ter,' s im pered Mrs W ebb. 'Y ou rem em ber Mrs W ebb, don't you, Mr P hinn?' s aid the nun. 'I do, yes ,' I replied. 'Good m orning, Mrs W ebb.' How c ould I forget Mrs W ebb! T oday, s he looked as if s he were about to em barkon an A rc tic expedition. T he s m all, red-fac ed teac her with dyed blac k hair and bright red lips was wearing a s hapeles s grey duffel c oat, thic k s c arf, fat woolly gloves and s ubs tantial leather boots . 'Y ou gave her s uc h a lovely report when you obs erved her les s ons ,' s aid the nun before the teac her c ould res pond. 'Y ou were very im pres s ed with her dram a work, as I rec all. Y ou've not quite got over it, have you, Mrs W ebb?' 'No, S is ter,' replied the teac her, nodding her head like a puppet. 'Good m orning, Mr P hinn.' 'A nd when I was away ill,' c ontinued S is ter B rendan, 's he held the fort m agnific ently.' 'I didn't know you'd been ill, S is ter,' I s aid. 'Heart attac k,' s aid Mrs W ebb, nodding. 'Y ou would not believe the s uffering and dis c om fort s he endured, Mr P hinn. Never thinks of hers elf, always of others .' 'I had no idea,' I s aid. 'Collaps ed in as s em bly, didn't you, S is ter?' 'Y ou m ake it s ound very dram atic , Mrs W ebb,' s aid the nun. 'It was jus t a s m all turn.' 'Y ou s ee what I m ean,' s aid her c olleague. 'Never c om plains .' 'I'm s o s orry to hear you've not been well, S is ter,' I s aid. 'W ell, it's good to s ee you looking your old s elf. A nd now, if you will exc us e m e -' A s I turned to leave, the nun touc hed m y arm . 'T hat's why we teac h, Mr P hinn,' s he s aid. 'I beg your pardon, S is ter?' I as ked. 'Look at that little c hild by the wall.' S he ges tured ac ros s the playground. S tanding there alone was a s m all boy, hugging him s elf agains t the s harp wind. 'W e have s uc h an awes om e job, thos e of us who teac h, watering thes e little s eeds , watc hing them grow and flouris h and bloom .' S he s ighed. 'In all the s eeds of today are all the flowers of tom orrow.' 'Indeed,' I s aid, des perate to get away, 'and tim e waits for no m an s o, if you will exc us e m e, I really m us t -' 'S om e are planted in very fertile s oil,' c ontinued S is ter B rendan, 'but, s adly, others fall on hard and s tony ground.' 'He's s uc h a s orrowful c hild is J as per, is n't he, S is ter?' obs erved Mrs W ebb. 'Indeed he is , Mrs W ebb,' agreed the headteac her, nodding. 'A s orrowful c hild. He looks as if he has the troubles of the entire world on his little s houlders .' 'He only jus t s tarted with us this las t week,' Mrs W ebb explained to m e, 'and we do s o worry about him . I think he's finding it a bit diffic ult at hom e at the m om ent.' S he lowered her voic e. 'His parents have rec ently divorc ed and I expec t he's trying to adjus t to a new life with jus t his m other, and in rented ac c om m odation. I'm s ure he m us t m is s his daddy, poor little m ite. He never s m iles , never plays with the other c hildren, and rarely s ays anything. He jus t keeps him s elf to him s elf.' 'I'm s ure he'll s oon s ettle in, Mrs W ebb,' I reas s ured her. 'Children are very res ilient and he c ouldn't be in a better s c hool environm ent.' 'B les s his heart,' s ighed S is ter B rendan. 'Y ou know, Mr P hinn, if an angel were to des c end to earth he would have the c ountenanc e of J as per. He rem inds m e of one of thos e little c herubs with golden wings that you s ee on Chris tm as c ards .' 'Raphael,' s aid Mrs W ebb. 'I'm s orry?' I s aid. 'W hen S is ter and I went to Rom e on the paris h pilgrim age with Mons ignor Leonard, we s aw thes e paintings by Raphael,' Mrs W ebb told m e. 'Really?' I s aid, looking at m y watc h. 'He painted thes e c herubim s ,' explained Mrs W ebb, 'little c hubby pink c hildren with wings . J as per's jus t like them .' T he c hild did indeed look angelic , with his m as s of golden c urls , great wide eyes and round red c heeks . 'Y ou're s o right, Mrs W ebb. Com e along, Mr P hinn, let's go and have a little word with him .' 'No, no. I really m us t go,' I s aid for the um pteenth tim e. 'It'll only take a m inute,' s he s aid, heading for the c hild. 'Com e along.' S o I traips ed after her. T he c hild s tared up at us with a s erious expres s ion on his s m all fac e as we approac hed. 'Hello, J as per,' s aid the nun. 'T his is Mr P hinn who is vis iting our s c hool today. He's a s c hool ins pec tor.' T he c hild obs erved m e with no c hange to his m ournful expres s ion. He was s hivering with c old and had a glis tening frozen teardrop on his c heek. 'A aaaah,' s ighed Mrs W ebb. 'Have you been c rying, J as per?' warbled S is ter B rendan, bending down and taking his little hand in hers . T he c hild s hook his head, m aking his golden c urls s wing. 'Y ou have, haven't you?' s aid the nun with the m os t s ym pathetic of s m iles . 'Y ou've been c rying, poor m ite. Here, let m e wipe that little teardrop away.' S is ter B rendan gently brus hed the c hild's c heek with a finger. T he c hild s tared her s traight in the eyes . 'It's s not,' he told her. Crom pton was a gloom y plac e. On the outs kirts of the town was evidenc e of its indus trial pas t; tall blac kened c him neys , now redundant, ros e from a was teland of derelic t buildings , half-dem olis hed hous es , boarded-up warehous es and abandoned fac tories . T here was not a tree or a bus h or even a s quare of gras s in s ight. W hat a c ontras t it was to the rolling hills and pic tures que lands c ape of the Dales . Crom pton P rim ary S c hool was built in the latter part of the nineteenth c entury to c ater for the needs of the c hildren of the fac tory workers em ployed in the newly-c ons truc ted m ills , fac tories and s teel works . It looked m ore like a V ic torian workhous e than a s c hool, with its s hiny red-bric k exterior, c old grey s late roof, m ean little windows and enveloping blac k iron fenc ing. Des pite the efforts of the headteac her and s taff to brighten up the interior with pic tures and plants , the plac e s till felt s trangely m us ty and inhos pitable. Mrs Gardiner, the headteac her, a big-boned wom an with bobbed s ilver hair and thin lips , had the no-nons ens e look of s om eone who is very c onfident of her own abilities . Des pite the dis m al environm ent, s om e very diffic ult and dem anding parents and a relatively large proportion of c hildren one m ight euphem is tic ally des c ribe as having 'c hallenging behaviour', s he ran a well-ordered and s uc c es s ful s c hool and was highly res pec ted in the E duc ation Departm ent at County Hall. Mrs Gardiner was , by her own adm is s ion, not one to beat about the bus h. S he had a s tartling bluntnes s and s uc h form idable s elfas s uranc e that even the m os t hard-bitten and awkward parent would never be s o foolhardy as to take her on. 'I s ay what I have to s ay, Mr P hinn,' s he onc e told m e. 'I s ay it how it is . P eople m ight not like it, but they know where they s tand with m e. W hat you s ee is what you get.' Mrs Gardiner was waiting at the entranc e to the s c hool to greet m e, and looked theatric ally at the s m all gold pendant watc h s us pended around her nec k on a thin gold c hain as I walked towards her. S he looked as intim idating as the exterior of her s c hool. 'Overs lept?' s he as ked bluntly, as I has tened into the building. 'I'm really s orry, Mrs Gardiner,' I explained. 'I c alled in at S t B artholom ew's and jus t c ouldn't get away.' S he gave a s m all s m ile. 'S is ter B rendan.' 'S is ter B rendan,' I repeated. 'You have to be firm with our dear S is ter B rendan, Mr P hinn,' s aid Mrs Gardiner, 'partic ularly when s he waxes lyric al. S he c an talk for a good hour without s eem ing to draw breath. I believe s he went on one of thes e weekend s ilent retreats and was bac k in the c onvent by c offee tim e of the firs t day. J us t c ouldn't keep quiet by all ac c ounts . A nyway, now you are here, you are in tim e for as s em bly and you c an do m e a great s ervic e this m orning.' 'Oh?' T his s ounded s lightly om inous . 'I want you to s it at the front with m e, and I want you to glower at the boys I have as ked to rem ain behind after the infants and the girls have gone to their les s ons .' 'Glower?' 'I want you to s c owl and look angry,' s he s aid. 'W hy?' 'A ll will be explained at the end of the as s em bly,' s aid Mrs Gardiner. T he c hildren m arc hed into the hall, heads up, arm s s winging, ac c om panied by s tirring m artial m us ic played on an old upright piano with great gus to by a s m all m an who bobbed up and down on the piano s tool in tim e with the beat. Mrs Gardiner took c entre s tage, legs s lightly apart, her large hands c las ped before her, eyes ever watc hful. I, the vis ual aid, was plac ed behind her on a large wooden c hair with arm s , trying to look s olem n. T he c hildren lined up in rows like little s oldiers , they s ang the hym n lus tily and s aid the prayer with downc as t eyes and then, at the s ignal from the headteac her, they s at c ros s -legged on the floor, looking at Mrs Gardiner expec tantly. 'Good m orning, c hildren,' s aid the headteac her, loudly and c learly. 'Good m orning, Mrs Gardiner,' c hanted the c hildren. 'Good m orning, everyone.' 'I think I m us t be going deaf,' s aid Mrs Gardiner. 'S hall we try that again and this tim e with a bit m ore enthus ias m .' 'Good m orning, Mrs Gardiner,' s houted the c hildren. 'Good m orning, everyone.' 'T hat's m uc h better,' announc ed the headteac her. 'Now, s it up s m artly, c hildren. I would like to introduc e our s pec ial vis itor, s om eone very im portant from the E duc ation Offic e. T his is Mr P hinn, a s c hool ins pec tor.' 'Good m orning, Mr P hinn, a s c hool ins pec tor,' c horus ed the c hildren loudly. 'Good m orning, c hildren,' I s aid s erious ly. I felt like a king, enthroned in m y heavy wooden c hair, s et high on the s tage. T here followed a s m all hom ily from Mrs Gardiner about good m anners and c ons ideration for others and then the c hildren, with the exc eption of the upper junior boys , were dis m is s ed. Mrs Gardiner turned to fac e m e and, in a hus hed voic e, s aid, 'Now, Mr P hinn, I want you to look really angry and s c owling.' S he turned to the pupils and plac ed her hands firm ly on her hips . 'Down to the front, you boys ! ' ordered the head-teac her. A nervous group of pupils lined up before her. T he c hildren c ould s ee by her body language that Mrs Gardiner was angry about s om ething. 'You are a group of dirty, dirty, dirty little boys , do you know that?' Mrs Gardiner enunc iated eac h word c learly and s lowly. A s ea of fac es s tared bac k at her. S om e of the younger pupils s huffled uneas ily, others bit their lips and one boy looked like a terrified rabbit c aught in a trap. 'Y ou m ight well look s ham e fac ed and s heepis h. Y ou are dirty, dis gus ting little boys and you know what you have done and why you have been as ked to rem ain behind.' 'Mis s , is it bec aus e -' began a boy. 'B e quiet! ' s napped the headteac her. S he paus ed for effec t and s c anned the fac es . 'Las t night, when Mrs Garbutt - who keeps this s c hool s o c lean and tidy - went into the boys ' toilets , s he was dis gus ted. Dis gus ted! S he c am e s traight away to find m e and when I s aw the floor and the walls in the boys ' toilets and the m es s you had m ade, I too was dis gus ted. T he floor was awas h - and I do not m ean with water! ' S he s tabbed the air with a finger. 'I know full well what you have been up to. You've been s eeing who c an get highes t up the wall.' I s uppres s ed a s m irk quic kly, and c ontinued to glower. 'Oh, yes ,' c ontinued Mrs Gardiner, 'I know what you've been doing. Y ou have been having a c om petition to s ee who c an reac h highes t up the wall, you dirty little boys .' A t this point, all the boys s tared at a s m all lad with s piky blac k hair and a very em barras s ed expres s ion on his fac e. He was c learly the winner of the c ontes t. Mrs Gardiner's furious gaze s ettled on him . T he boy rubbed his eyes and began to s niffle. 'T he waterworks won't was h with m e, J im m y S edgewic k, s o don't bother with the c roc odile tears . It is not Mrs Garbutt's job to c lean puddles up after you. A nd let m e tell you this ,' Mrs Gardiner s hook a finger at the boys , 'if there is s o m uc h as a drop or a drip, a s plas h or a s m idgen on the floor today, you will all get down on your hands and knees and c lean it up. Is that c lear?' 'Y es , Mrs Gardiner,' replied the c hildren in s ubdued voic es . 'Mr P hinn,' c ontinued the headteac her, pointing in m y direc tion, 'is a very im portant s c hool ins pec tor s ent es pec ially from the E duc ation Offic e about the toilets , and he was appalled, appalled, when I told him what you have been up to. J us t look at his fac e. S ee how dis gus ted he is .' A ll eyes foc us ed on m e as I s at on m y throne. I pulled a partic ularly grues om e fac e. T here was a laboured paus e before the headteac her c ontinued and, when s he did, I c ould not, in all m y wildes t dream s , have im agined what s he would s ay next. I was , to us e the old Y orks hire expres s ion, 'gobs m ac ked'. 'W hen Mr P hinn goes to the toilet,' s aid Mrs Gardiner - I looked at her in horror, dreading what was to follow - 'he does n't flip it about like a firem an's hos e. Do you, Mr P hinn?' 'N... no,' I replied feebly with an even m ore woebegone expres s ion on m y fac e. 'He direc ts it where it s hould go. A nd that is what you boys will do in the future. Is that c lear?' 'Y es , Mrs Gardiner,' replied the boys . 'Have you anything to add, Mr P hinn?' as ked the head-teac her. 'No, nothing,' I m urm ured, attem pting to take in what I had jus t heard. 'Nothing at all.' Later in her room , Mrs Gardiner s at behind her des k and rem arked, 'I think we m ade our point, don't you think, Mr P hinn?' I s till had nothing to add. I was not looking forward to m y afternoon in Ugglem atters by. T he m eeting, held a s hort tim e earlier with the parents of the c hildren who attended the two s c hools , c ould not have gone better. T he gathering, held in the village hall, had been very well attended, and the general feeling was that the am algam ation was an exc ellent idea. T he parents of the J uniors , es pec ially, no doubt liked the idea of the m odern, attrac tive prem is es . T he two teac hers from the J unior S c hool, Mrs B atters by and Mrs S idebottom , had s at at the bac k like s tone s tatues , hands knotted tightly in their laps ; it was c lear that they were not in favour of the propos al and had s im m ered in angry s ilenc e. Counc illor S idebottom , who had got up from his s ic kbed, determ ined to m ake this m eeting, had s oon dis c overed that the parents were voc iferous ly in favour of the propos al. W ith an eye to the next c ounty elec tions , he had obvious ly felt it prudent not to exac erbate his voters and had been rem arkably res trained. He had explained that he was in an invidious pos ition and c ould not s peak freely, but had added that he did want to regis ter his oppos ition. It would have been interes ting to have been a fly on the wall in the S idebottom hom e after the m eeting. T he evening had ended with the parents voting in favour of the c hange. I had even rec eived s om e applaus e at the end of m y pres entation. A fter this m eeting, I had written to the two headteac hers explaining m y purpos e for wanting to s ee them , and had enc los ed c opies of the propos als from the E duc ation Com m ittee. T hes e two m eetings were likely to be diffic ult s inc e I antic ipated that both Mr Harris on and Mrs B raddoc k-S m ith would expec t to take on the role of the new headteac her. I dec ided to s ee them s eparately to explain the s ituation and to s ound out their views . Now, driving out of gloom y Crom pton and into open c ountrys ide, I rehears ed what I would s ay. T he c los ure of a s c hool, as I knew from pers onal as well as profes s ional experienc e, often proved to be a highly c ontentious affair. T wo of m y c olleagues had already found the proc es s extrem ely s tres s ful, as Mis s de la Mare had predic ted it would be. In the s c hools des tined for c los ure that David and Geraldine had vis ited, parents , governors , loc al res idents , form er pupils and m em bers of s taff had objec ted s trongly and that was only the beginning. P res s ure groups were being form ed, petitions rais ed, loc al c ounc illors and even Mem bers of P arliam ent were bec om ing involved, c olum ns of news paper artic les were appearing, and there were interm inable and ac rim onious m eetings . If a s c hool c los ure went ahead, there would be redeploym ents and redundanc ies ac c om panied by another s et of dis agreeable m eetings and interviews . S idney, of c ours e, c ould run through a m inefield and em erge uns c athed; his dis c us s ions , as he was at great pains to tell us , had gone 's wim m ingly'. T o m y s urpris e and relief, Mrs B raddoc k-S m ith had s eem ed veritably elated when, a few weeks before at the governors ' m eeting, I had explained that the propos al was to c los e the J unior S c hool and reloc ate the c hildren on her prem is es . Now I was m eeting with her to dis c us s the am algam ation in m ore detail. 'W ell, I think,' s he s aid with obvious s elf-s atis fac tion, 'it's the only c ours e of ac tion. T here's plenty of room on this s ite and, let's fac e it, the J unior S c hool is in dec line.' S he s ounded s om ewhat s m ug. 'A s you are aware, Mr P hinn, m any of the c hildren in the village, after an exc ellent s tart here in the Infants , are being s ent by their parents to other prim ary s c hools and even to preparatory s c hools . It is a s ad fac t but true that the J unior S c hool does not provide the s ort of educ ation thes e upwardly m obile, profes s ional parents are looking for. Now, I don't want to appear unprinc ipled, but Mr Harris on has not been an unm itigated s uc c es s at the J uniors , has he? S adly, for whatever reas on, he has had his s hare of problem s , and parents in the c om m unity jus t don't have any c onfidenc e in the s c hool. A fter all, at the rec ent m eeting, the parents of the J uniors were in c om plete s upport for the m erger, as were m y parents . In m y c ons idered opinion, it's a very appropriate m ove on the part of the c ounty to c los e the J uniors and for the c hildren to be educ ated at m y s c hool. I feel fully c onfident I c an take on the heads hip of the am algam ated s c hool and -' 'It's not quite as s im ple as that, Mrs B raddoc k-S m ith,' I told her, irritated by her s m ugnes s . 'Oh?' 'T he s c hools will am algam ate, as you rightly s ay. It is propos ed that the c urrent J unior S c hool will c los e and two tem porary c las s room s will be erec ted on this s ite to hous e the J unior c hildren, until an extens ion is built.' 'Is n't that what I was s aying?' enquired the headteac her, looking puzzled. 'T he Infant S c hool will als o c eas e to exis t,' I s aid, 'and bec om e part of a c ounty prim ary s c hool with a new headteac her.' 'A new headteac her! ' exc laim ed Mrs B raddoc k-S m ith. 'How c an there be a new headteac her when I am already in pos t?' T he c olour drained from her fac e as what I had s aid s unk in. 'W ell, both you and Mr Harris on will be c ons idered for the pos ition in the firs t ins tanc e, and then if neither of you is appointed, it will go to national advert.'

'Y ou m ean I will be in c ompetition with Mr Harris on for the pos t?' as ked Mrs B raddoc k-S m ith. 'A nd it m ay go to national advert?' 'Y es ,' I replied. S he had obvious ly as s um ed that the pos ition would be hers . S he gave a wry s m ile. 'W ell, I m ay s ound as if I am blowing m y own trum pet, Mr P hinn, but when you c om pare m y trac k rec ord with that of m y c olleague down the road, I s hould think there will be little doubt whic h one of us is the better s uited for the pos ition of headteac her at the new s c hool. You yours elf have s een the quality of the educ ation I provide here and the exc ellent s tandard of work the c hildren ac hieve. A nd, though I s ay s o m ys elf, I feel I run a s c hool s ec ond to none in the c ounty.' 'T hat m ay very well be the c as e, Mrs B raddoc k-S m ith,' I told her, 'but the appointm ent will be in the hands of the governors . I c an only advis e.' 'My governors ,' s he s aid, 'have always greatly valued the work I have done here and know that I will be able to ris e to the c hallenge.' 'T here will be a new governing body,' I s aid, 'c om pris ing of governors from both s c hools .' 'I s ee,' s aid the headteac her. Mrs B raddoc k-S m ith's elation had evaporated like a burs t balloon. S he ros e from her des k in queenly fas hion. 'W ell,' s he s aid, 'I naturally as s um ed that I would be as ked to bec om e headteac her of the am algam ated s c hools . I thought that is why you wis hed to s ee m e. A s you m ight im agine, this has c om e as s om e s urpris e. I s hall have to s ee what A rc hdeac on Ric hards has to s ay about all this - and m y union. A nd now, if you will exc us e m e, Mr P hinn, I have a great deal to do. A s you are no doubt aware, half-term s tarts this afternoon and there is m uc h to be done before the c hildren breakup for their holiday.' Oh dear, I thought, a m inute or s o later as I s tood at the gate looking bac k at the s c hool building; this s ituation was likely to be m ore c ontentious than I had im agined. I s ens ed a pres enc e behind m e and, turning, dis c overed the s am e hawk-fac ed c ros s ing patrol wom an I had enc ountered when I had vis ited the Infant S c hool earlier in the term . S he was now wielding her lollipop s ign em blazoned with 'S T OP ! ' m os t aggres s ively. 'I hear that you're c los ing the J uniors ,' s he s aid s harply. 'Not m e pers onally,' I s aid. 'W ell, I don't like the idea.' 'Really? W hy not?' 'It will m ean a whole lot of new kiddies c om ing to this s c hool and c ros s ing the road up here.' S he pus hed her lollipop in m y fac e. 'T hat's very likely,' I told her, m oving bac k a pac e. 'Older c hildren, who c an be real nuis anc es and not do what they're told. A nd there'll be m any m ore c ars hooting and puthering out exhaus t fum es . It'll be like a war zone up here. W ell, will I be getting s om e help?' 'I've really no idea.' 'I hope I will bec aus e I won't be able to c ope on m y own.' 'It m ay well be,' I s aid m is c hievous ly, 'that the c ros s ing patrol warden down at the J unior S c hool, who I believe is extrem ely well thought of and very good hum oured, is as ked to take on the job up here.' W ith that and a hearty 'Good afternoon', I headed for m y next appointm ent, leaving the vis ion in lum inous yellow open-m outhed and los t for words . A t the J unior S c hool, Mr Harris on was waiting in the entranc e to greet m e. He looked a whole lot better than when I had las t s een him at the parents ' m eeting and was ac tually s m iling. 'Good afternoon, Mr P hinn,' he s aid c heerfully. 'Good afternoon.' 'It's been a beautiful day, has n't it? Getting a bit nippy now, but it's been bright and fres h.' 'Y es , indeed,' I s aid, s urpris ed by his obvious good hum our. I followed him to his room where he s at at his des k, rubbed his hands together vigorous ly and as ked, 'Cup of tea?' 'No, thank you,' I replied, bem us ed by his m anner. Mr Harris on was grinning like a c at that had got the c ream . I had written to him after m y las t vis it, explaining that I had s een the Chief Ins pec tor with the intention of rec om m ending that a thorough ins pec tion of the s c hool would take plac e, but events - nam ely, the propos ed am algam ation of the two s c hools - had c hanged things . 'A s you know,' I s aid now, 'the plan is to c los e down this s c hool and m ove the J uniors in with the Infants at the s c hool up the road.' T he headteac her leaned bac k in his c hair, plac ed his hands behind his head and looked up at the c eiling. 'I think it's an exc ellent idea,' he s aid. 'Y ou do?' I s aid, taken abac k. 'I do,' he s aid. 'Num bers are dec lining here, there's plenty of s pac e up at the Infants and I thinka fres h s tart with new teac hers and a new headteac her will m ake all the differenc e.' I c ons idered for a m om ent how to approac h the thorny ques tion of the new headteac her. He m us t have been reading m y m ind. 'A nd then, of c ours e,' he s aid, 'there'll be the appointm ent of the headteac her of the am algam ated s c hools .' A s at the m eeting with the headteac her of Ugglem atters by Infant S c hool, I explained that, in the firs t ins tanc e, he would be in c om petition with Mrs B raddoc k-S m ith for the heads hip of the new s c hool, and if neither was deem ed s atis fac tory to the board of the newly-elec ted governors , then the pos ition would be advertis ed nationally. 'I think s he des erves the job,' he s aid. I detec ted a s light s ardonic inflec tion in his voic e. 'W ho?' 'Mrs B raddoc k-S m ith,' he replied. 'Y ou do?' 'I do,' he s aid. 'S he's a very s uc c es s ful headteac her and runs a popular and high-ac hieving s c hool, as s he is always at great pains to point out, and I am c ertain s he will ris e adm irably to the c hallenge.' T here was undis guis ed s arc as m in his voic e. 'S o you won't be applying for the pos t?' I as ked. 'No, I won't,' he told m e, a s m ile s till playing ac ros s his fac e. 'Y ou s ee, I am res igning.' He looked as pleas ed as P unc h. 'Res igning?' 'Yes ,' he s aid. 'My wife is a great one for telling m e that things have the habit of working out for the bes t. W ell, I'm pleas ed to s ay that they have now for m e. T he c hairm an of governors of m y las t s c hool down in London phoned m e a few weeks ago, when I was at m y lowes t ebb, to tell m e that the pres ent headteac her is retiring at the end of this term . He as ked if I would c ons ider putting in an applic ation for the pos t. I was , of c ours e, very flattered. I then rec eived s uc h enc ouraging letters from m y form er c olleagues on the s taff urging m e to apply. W hy, even the c aretaker wrote as king m e to return. I c annot tell you how I felt rec eiving s uc h letters . I applied, went for the interview las t week and was offered the pos ition. S o, you s ee, Mr P hinn, the am algam ation of the s c hools is all ac adem ic as far as I am c onc erned. I s hall be returning to London.' 'W ell, c ongratulations ,' I s aid, and m eant it. 'A nd I do hope that Mrs B raddoc k-S m ith is appointed as the headteac her of the new prim ary s c hool, I s inc erely do.' He looked well pleas ed with the s ituation. 'S he always told m e that s he welc om ed a c hallenge and I have no doubt in m y m ind that s hould Mrs B atters by and Mrs S idebottom be redeployed to the new s c hool, they will provide her with all the c hallenge s he needs .'

20 It was the opening night of The Dame of S ark and I was ready to head off hom e from the S taff Developm ent Centre, s hower, c hange, have s om e tea and get to the Fettles ham Little T heatre in good tim e. Muc h to the c as t's am azem ent and des pite Raym ond's frequent panic attac ks and periodic theatric al outburs ts , the produc tion had fallen into plac e and it s eem ed that we m ight not m ake total fools of ours elves on the night. I was tidying up after an E nglis h c ours e I had jus t direc ted; it had been a tires om e afternoon with a num ber of would-be P hilip Larkins tes ting m y patienc e. I was about finis hed when Mrs K ipling from S t Margaret's Churc h of E ngland P rim ary S c hool popped her head around the door of the room . 'Hello, Mr P hinn,' s he s aid brightly. 'Good afternoon,' I s aid. 'I've been here on one of the art c ours es ,' s he told m e. 'W e've been doing c ollage work this afternoon and it's been truly ins pirational. Y es terday, we did batikand s c reen-printing. He's s uc h a c harac ter is n't he, Mr Clam p, and s o artis tic ?' 'He is ,' I agreed. 'A nd s o very talented.' 'Y es , he is .' 'I try to c om e on all the c ours es he holds ,' s he s aid, beam ing pinkly. I c urtailed the eulogy to m y 'artis tic ', 'very talented' and 'truly ins pirational' c olleague by as king, 'A nd how are things at S t Margaret's ?' 'Fine,' s he told m e, c om ing into the room . 'I m eant to get in touc h with you,' I s aid. 'I'm s orry if I was a bit hard on your c hairm an of governors . W hen I thought about it later, you were quite right - one s houldn't judge by appearanc es .' 'Don't worry your head about that, Mr P hinn,' s he s aid. 'Mr Feathers tone does have that effec t on people until you get to know him . He looks rather Dic kens ian with his whis kers and gold-rim m ed s pec tac les but he's not the dour and daunting pers on he appears to be. W hat he needs is a good wife, a jolly, hom ely, good-hum oured wom an and a large fam ily of lively c hildren to get him to take things les s s erious ly, but I gues s he is too s et in his bac helor ways and will rem ain s o. He likes c hildren but jus t c an't s eem to get on their wave lengths . B ut I do have to s ay, Mr P hinn, his heart is in the right plac e and I would m uc h rather have a really interes ted and c onc erned c hairm an of governors like Mr Feathers tone, than one who is c ons tantly interfering or s om eone who is apathetic and c an't be bothered.' 'I s uppos e s o,' I s aid. 'A c tually, poor Mr Feathers tone is a little nervous at the m om ent,' s he c onfided in m e. 'W hy s o?' I as ked. 'W ell, it's getting near to Rem em branc e S unday and las t year he was a bit s hell-s hoc ked after an inc ident at the war m em orial in the village.' Mrs K ipling pulled a fac e. 'Oh dear, perhaps that's not quite the right phras e to us e in the c irc um s tanc es .' 'W hat happened?' I as ked, intrigued. 'If you have a m inute, I'll tell you,' s he s aid, bringing up a c hair. 'Mr Feathers tone c am e into s c hool las t Novem ber in the week leading up to Rem em branc e S unday. He explained to the c hildren in as s em bly about the s ignific anc e of the poppies and the im portanc e of the s pec ial s ervic e at the war m em orial when people gathered in the village to rem em ber thos e who had given their lives in the two world wars . It was a very em otional as s em bly, partic ularly when he told the c hildren that his own father had been killed in the las t war and his grandfather had died in the trenc hes at Ypres in the firs t. He told the c hildren,' Mrs K ipling c ontinued, 'that they m ight like to attend the s ervic e with their parents on the S unday but that, if they did, they had to rem ain perfec tly s till and s ilent during the two-m inute s ilenc e. "If you feel you want to s ay s om ething,' he told them , "put your finger over your lips to s top yours elf.' He dem ons trated by plac ing his index finger over his own lips and the c hildren did likewis e. "A nd if you really want anything, then rais e your hand like this .' He held up his right arm to s how them how.' Mrs K ipling s tood up to dem ons trate what Mr Feathers tone had s hown the c hildren to do, then s at down again. 'W ell, on the S unday, quite a few of the c hildren did attend the s ervic e. W e c rowded around the m em orial on the village green and Mr Feathers tone gave a very m oving addres s . T he c hildren behaved them s elves but I c ould s ee a few of them were getting a bit fidgety. W hen it c am e to the two-m inute s ilenc e s everal did as they had been told. T hey put their fingers over their lips , and three young lads rais ed their arm s . No doubt, you c an im agine the s urpris e on the fac es of all the old s oldiers when they s aw a group of little c hildren fac ing the war m em orial and giving what to them looked like the Nazi s alute.' I s m iled as I pic tured the s c ene. 'W ell, I'm s ure it will all go s wim m ingly this year,' I s aid. 'W ould you like to s ee m y m as terpiec e?' s he as ked, s tanding up. 'Y our m as terpiec e?' 'My c ollage. I'm really proud of it.' 'Y es ,' I told her, having a s urreptitious look at m y watc h, 'I'd be m os t interes ted to s ee it.' 'It's in the c orridor.' I followed Mrs K ipling and there, propped up on a c hair, was a garis h jigs aw of m aterial m ounted on a large piec e of c ard. S he looked at her handiwork with obvious pride. 'W e were as ked to expres s a m ood s uc h as happines s , anger, frus tration, affec tion, depres s ion, that s ort of thing. I c all m ine 'In the P ink' and I know exac tly whic h wall I will dis play it on bac k at s c hool. I s hall put it in the entranc e hall in order to c heer people up.' 'It's very s triking,' I c om m ented, thinking to m ys elf that I wouldn't even hang s uc h a hideous c reation, with all thos e c las hing pinks and c orals , on m y toilet wall, let alone in m y hall. 'I thought of the s c hool entranc e,' Mrs K ipling told m e, 'to give it m axim um im pac t and expos ure.' 'It will c ertainly turn heads ,' I s aid. A s I looked c los er at the c ollage, I s eem ed to rec ognis e s om e of the m aterial - a bright pink nylon fabric , and had a s udden dreadful thought. 'S o where did the m aterial c om e from for your c ollage?' I as ked c as ually. 'Mr Clam p brought along blac k bags c ontaining all s orts of woven, knitted or felted fabric , wool, c otton, s c raps of s ilk, bits with different textures and in various c olours . He told us that he often got old c lothes and piec es of m aterial from c harity s hops . A s s oon as I s aw this really unus ual pink overall - you m us t adm it it is s o wonderfully bright that it s ort of s him m ers - I c om m andeered it.' 'P ink overall,' I repeated. 'Y es , I thought it would be ideal.' 'A nd it was one of the things that Mr Clam p brought to the c las s in his blac k bags ?' 'Y es - at leas t I think s o,' replied Mrs K ipling, fingering a piec e of the garis hly c oloured m aterial. 'Or was it already out of the blac k bag when I s aw it? Y es ! T hat's it. It was over the bac k of a c hair.' 'In the art room ?' I as ked. 'Y es , over the bac k of a c hair in the art room .' 'A nd you c ut it up?' 'Y es , I c ut it up and trans form ed it into m y c ollage,' s aid the head teac her. 'I c an quite unders tand how it c am e to be thrown out. I m ean, I c an't im agine anyone wanting to wear s uc h a hideous garm ent, c an you?' Oh dear, oh dear, I thought. It was Connie's pink overall, I was s ure of it. I c ould im agine the m ayhem when s he dis c overed that her c oveted pink nylon overall, her tradem ark uniform , had been vandalis ed and m ounted. W hen I s aw the wom an in ques tion heading down the c orridor, I quic kly pic ked up the c reation and retreated bac k into the room . 'I'd like to s ee it in a better light,' I told a rather s urpris ed Mrs K ipling. I waited until Connie was out of s ight and then helped Mrs K ipling c arry her c reation out to her c ar. 'I did wonder, you know,' s he s aid as I negotiated 'In the P ink' onto the bac k s eat, 'if I s hould offier to let Mr Clam p dis play it in the S taff Developm ent Centre but then dec ided I wanted it bac k in s c hool.' 'A wis e dec is ion,' I m urm ured. It was with a great s ens e of relief that I s aw Mrs K ipling drive out of the c ar park. B ac k in the Centre, Connie, hands on hips and m inus overall, was s urveying the art room . 'J us t look at this m es s ,' s he c om plained. 'E verywhere he goes he leaves a trail of debris and des truc tion, that Mr Clam p. T here are bits of c loth and old c lothes all over the plac e. It's like an explos ion at a jum ble s ale in here.' I wondered what the s tate of the room would be like the following day when S idney and the teac hers had finis hed s ilks c reen printing. Connie s hook her head. 'I was hoping to get off a bit earlier this afternoon. It's m y bingo night.' 'Have you ever won at bingo, Connie?' I as ked, c hanging the s ubjec t. 'Not a lot,' s he s aid. 'A few pounds here and there, that's all. I'm always optim is tic , m ind. I've got m y eye on the Chris tm as ac c um ulator. It's the jac kpot prize, and is over fifteen thous and pounds now. W hat I c ould do with that s ort of m oney! ' 'How long have you being playing bingo for?' I as ked. 'Oooh, over twenty years ,' s he s aid. 'A nd you've only won a few pounds ? Y ou would have been better putting it into a depos it ac c ount,' I told her. S he looked at m e and purs ed her lips . 'If I want a financ ial advis er, Mr P hinn,' s he told m e, c learly nettled, 'I'll find one in Fettles ham , thank you very m uc h. B ingo m ight not be the c up of tea for you ac adem ic al s orts , but it gets m e out, I m eet m y friends and I enjoy it. E nough s aid.' I c hanged the s ubjec t again. 'Have you had any news of that young m an who had the unfortunate ac c ident in the Gents ?' I as ked. 'Young K evin? Oh, he's been out of hos pital a while now, and has jus t gone bac k to work. I s aw him in Fettles ham the other day. He's given up painting and dec orating bec aus e he s ays he'll never be able to give up s m oking. He's c leaning s hop windows , now. A nd s peaking of the inc ident in the gentlem an's c loakroom ,' s he added, 'you know who s howed her fac e up here at the Centre the other week, tes tic ulating all over the plac e? It was that Mrs S avage wom an, Lady High and Mighty.' 'W hat did s he want?' I as ked. 'S he c om es in here like s om ething off of a c atwalkand s tarts telling m e s he's in c harge of "Health and S afety' at County Hall, and s he's here to lookinto the ac c ident. T hen s he waves about thes e guidelines what s he's written and warns m e about the dangers in the workplac e.' 'Mrs S avage went on a one-day c ours e las t year and now thinks s he's the expert,' I told Connie. 'W ell, there's nothing s he c an tell me about health and s afety. It's like telling your grandm other how to poac h eggs . S he drives into the Centre c ar parklike a c at out of hell in that red c ar of hers , bloc ks m y entranc e, c latters up the s teps in her s tilettos , c lutc hing this c lipboard to that expens ive bos om of hers , and then s he has the bras s nec k to quiz m e like one of thos e interyregulators . My goodnes s , s he's got an attitude, that wom an, and does s he know how to us e it! "I've got to has c ertain what happened,' s he s ays , all s nooty-like. I s aid to her, I s aid, "You c an has c ertain all you want to, I've got work to do.' I told her it was all in the report what I s ent in to County Hall. "Did you undertake a ris k as s es s m ent?' s he as ks m e. I told her s traight, I s aid, "Ris kas s es s m ent - of a toilet?' I m ean there's not a lot of ris k s itting on a toilet, is there, apart from pic king up s om ething nas ty from the toilet s eat and that wouldn't happen here bec aus e I bleac h them down regular. I told her, "You're not likely to fall down the toilet and it's not every day that half a pint of turpentine s ubs titute is put down the bowl and then s om ebody is daft enough to light up afterwards and pos t the c igarette between their legs and s et them s elves alight.' Flam ing c heek of the wom an. P ardon m y pun. A nyway, off s he goes to exam ine the c ubic le. S he c om es bac k with paint all over her fanc y blac koutfit. Y ou s hould have s een her fac e! ' 'B ut s urely the paint would have been dry by the tim e s he went to c arry out her ins pec tion,' I s aid. 'Cours e it was , but I had been doing a bit of touc hing up of the paintwork that m orning. T here were s c orc h m arks on the wall after the inc ident, and you know what I'm like with m arks on m y walls .' 'A nd you didn't think to tell her?' 'No, I didn't,' Connie s aid with a s m ug expres s ion on her florid fac e. 'S inc e s he's s o good at has c ertaining, I thought, s he c ould has c ertain where the wet paint is .' 'Connie,' I s aid, s haking m y head, 'you're inc orrigible.' 'I don't know what that m eans , Mr P hinn, but I'm s ure I'm not,' s he told m e. 'I hear from Mr P ritc hard that W illingforth S c hool is taking part in the m athem atic s dis play at Dr Gore's c onferenc e at Mans ton Hall next m onth,' I s aid, c hanging the s ubjec t. 'A re your grandc hildren involved, Connie?' S he s m iled. 'Our Luc y is ,' s he told m e. 'S he's a real whiz when it c om es to s um s . Can add up like nobody's bus ines s . Mis s P ilkington's been having them doing m ental arithm etic every m orning for the pas t few weeks .' 'It's an exc ellent s c hool, W illingforth,' I s aid. 'Mr P ritc hard told m e that overall it ac hieves the bes t m athem atic s res ults in the c ounty.' 'Oh,' s aid Connie s uddenly, and c as ting her eyes around, 's peaking of overalls , you haven't s een m ine, have you?' I arrived at Fettles ham Little T heatre during the interval. It appeared, judging by the num ber thronging the nois y bar area, that the play was going well s o far. T he doorm an told m e that it was alm os t a full hous e, and the audienc e had been res ponding enthus ias tic ally. T he wors t s c enario, and one whic h Raym ond had predic ted in one of his blac kes t m oods , was that the audienc e would vote with its feet if the play didn't c om e up to s c ratc h before the interval and we would play the s ec ond half to an alm os t em pty auditorium . 'A nd that frightful Marc ia Mc Crudden, theatre c ritic of the Fettles ham Gaz ette, will be there,' he had m oaned, 's itting like an evil pres enc e in the front row, s c ribbling invec tive in her little blac knotebook. I s hudder at the very s ight of the wom an and c an jus t im agine what her review will be like when it appears in the paper the following Friday. S he s aid m y produc tion of Cabaret was "unim aginative' and after all the tim e and effort I put into The S ound of M us ic , s he wrote that it "lac ked vitality and verve'. I dread to think what s he will s ay about this play. It c ould well be the end of m y c areer in the am ateur theatre.' 'Raym ond! ' Mrs Cleaver-Canning had told him . 'P ull yours elf together, for goodnes s s ake. It will be fine. E verything will fall into plac e as it always does . Marc ia Mc Crudden is but one pers on and her opinion c ounts for very little in m y book.' It s eem ed, however, that s inc e no one was m aking for the door when I arrived that Raym ond's prognos is was unfounded, that Mrs Cleaver-Canning's reas s uranc e was being proved right and that the firs t half of the play had gone without a hitc h. I was s oon to learn differently. I went bac ks tage where I c am e upon P erc y, the S tage Manager, a rotund little m an with a flus hed c om plexion. His s ubs tantial s tom ac h bulged beneath an old brown s weater and above a pair of grubby trous ers . I notic ed he was without s oc ks but was wearing a pair of c arpet s lippers with 'Mr Grum py' em broidered on the tops . He was s quatting on a s m all s tool by the fire exit, beneath a large s ign that s tated in bold red letters : 'S T RICT LY NO S MOK ING'. He held a s m ouldering c igarette in one hand and a bottle of brown ale in the other; a s ec ond bottle lay on the floor near the s tool. 'I s ee the c avalry's arrived,' he s aid, as he c aught s ight of m e trying to negotiate the narrow door, s queezing through with m y holdall c ontaining c ap, S am B rowne belt and boots , m y uniform over m y arm . He m ade no effort to give m e a hand but took a s wig from the bottle of beer and then puffed away on his c igarette, blowing out c louds of s m oke and wheezing loudly in the proc es s . 'Good evening, P erc y,' I s aid, putting down m y heavy load on a table. 'Is it?' he replied. 'S o, how's the play going?' I as ked brightly. 'How's it going?' he repeated. He gave a hollow little laugh. 'How's it going? Y ou don't want to know, s quire.' 'Oh dear,' I s ighed, 'as bad as that. T he people in the bar s eem happy enough.' 'It's wors e than bad,' P erc y s aid. He finis hed the bottle of brown ale nois ily, burped, dropped the s tub of his c igarette and ground it into the floor with his s lipper. 'Raym ond, our c reative direc tor and revered produc er, has buggered off.' 'He's what?' I exc laim ed. 'He's done a runner, s c arpered, des erted, gone to ground. He had one of his paddies at the end of the firs t half, s torm ed off and nobody's s een him s inc e. Mind you, he's not m is s ed. It's always the s am e on the opening night. He gets into this s tate, flapping about like a c ons tipated bat, getting him s elf all wound up and winding everyone els e up in the proc es s .' 'He does n't s eem to have wound you up, P erc y,' I obs erved. 'No, that's bec aus e I won't let him . I jus t let it all flow over m e. I turn off like a wireles s when he has one of his tantrum s .' 'It's his artis tic tem peram ent,' I s aid. 'Y ou have to m ake allowanc es .' 'He's like a big daft girl, the way he goes on. A c tually, it was a big daft girl that got him wound up in the firs t plac e.' 'S o what's ups et him ?' I as ked, s haking out the uniform , and hanging it up on a hook. 'W ell,' s aid P erc y, lighting another c igarette, 'S haron, you know, the las s playing Cec ile, the Dam e's m aid, s he arrives all dolled up to the nines , wearing enough m ake-up to s ink a bloody battles hip and wrapped up in a great c loak-thing like what a pantom im e m agic ian would wear. S hortly before the perform anc e s tarted, s he takes off the c loak, and all s he's got on underneath...' P erc y paus ed, and c hortled at the m em ory of what the girl had been wearing but he unwis ely took another drag on his c igarette at the s am e tim e and his laugh turned into a c oughing s pas m . W hen he had got him s elf under c ontrol, he c ontinued: 'S he were wearing jus t a s trip of a s kirt, blac k fis hnet s toc kings and a blous e that revealed m ore than a liberty bodic e. Ray had a fit, as you c an im agine. "You're not going on s tage in that get-up,' he s ays . "You're s uppos ed to be the Dam e's m aid during wartim e, not a c om m on bac k-s treet tart.' W ell, S haron s torm s off and when s he does walk on s tage in the proper c os tum e, what does s he do?' 'W hat does s he do?' I as ked. 'S he puts on that daft Frenc h ac c ent Ray told her not to do when s he c am e out with it at the rehears al. Did it jus t to be awkward. S he c an be a right m adam , c an that S haron. I rem em ber her when s he was playing a nun in The S ound of M us ic . T he words "m odes ty', "c has tity' and "obedienc e' don't readily s om e to m ind when it c om es to that young wom an. W hat went on bac ks tage with that s potty beanpole of a youth playing Rolf is nobody's bus ines s . T hey were at it like nine-pins behind that c urtain. I've never s een s uc h c arryings on. T alk about "Clim b E very Mountain', he was all over her.' P erhaps he s houldn't have been s o interes ted in what was going on behind the c urtain, I thought to m ys elf, but s aid nothing. ' A nyway,' P erc y c ontinued, 'Ray went ballis tic when s he c om es off s tage, jus t as George Furnival brings in the c offin.' 'W hat c offin?' 'T he c offin for the las t ac t.' 'T here is n't a c offin in the las t ac t,' I told him . 'I know that,' s aid P erc y, 'but George thought it would be a good idea if he us ed one of his s pare c offins in the las t ac t. He told Raym ond it would be m ore dram atic if the young Germ an s oldier, W ilhelm Muller, him who gets blown up by the m ine at the end, were brought on s tage in a c offin. He'd got this lovely blac k affair with bras s handles . Cours e, George never m is s es a tric k when it c om es to advertis ing his bus ines s and he'd put down the s ide of the c as ket: "Furnivals for the Fines t in Funerals . c offins to die for.' W ell, I won't repeat where Raym ond told him to s tic k his c offin. George didn't take it too kindly and s torm ed on s tage with a fac e like thunder. T hen Lady Hatc het -' 'W ho?' 'T hat Mrs Cleaver,' s aid P erc y. 'I wouldn't like to take her on in a wres tling ring if her hands were tied behind her bac k and s he was blindfolded. B y hec k, s he's got a gob on her. S he c ould have won the war s ingle-handed, that one. W ell, s he s tarts adding to her lines , ups taging everyone, and Ray jus t c rac ked. "I c an't s tand any m ore,' he s ays and buggers off.' 'W ell, jus t m ake s ure that you are there when I go on s tage, P erc y,' I told him . 'T he s ound effec ts are pretty c om plic ated in that las t s c ene.' 'No worries ,' he s aid, blowing out a great c loud of c igarette s m oke. 'It's all in hand.' I had to adm it that I did worry. T he final s c ene of the play involves m e, playing Colonel Graham , bringing news to Mrs Hathaway, aka the Dam e of S ark, that the is land has been liberated and that her hus band is s afe and well. A s the c urtain ris es on the final s c ene, Handel's W ater M us ic is playing on the wireles s and this is followed by the announc em ent from A lvar Liddell: 'T his is London. W e are interrupting program m es with the great news that B erlin has fallen and that the Germ an A rm ed Forc es in Italy have s urrendered unc onditionally to Field Mars hal A lexander.' T hen the Trumpet V oluntary plays . I enter with the good news of the Germ an s urrender of the is land but, during m y c onvers ation with the Dam e, there is an explos ion offis tage. Mrs Hathaway s witc hes on the wireles s to lis ten to W ins ton Churc hill announc e: 'T he c eas e-fire began yes terday to be s ounded all along the fronts , and our dear Channel Is lands are als o to be freed today.' T hen the telephone rings with news that the young Germ an s oldier, who has been kind to Mrs Hathaway during the Oc c upation, has been blown up while dis m antling a m ine in the harbour. S o, in term s of s ound effec ts , it was the m os t dem anding part of the play and had only been rehears ed onc e properly at the dres s rehears al. I had a feeling that things m ight not go to plan. In the dres s ing room , I found the m ale m em bers of the c as t, m os t of them in their Germ an uniform s , in argum entative m ood and far too involved to notic e m e. I s tood in the doorway to lis ten. 'T he lights are too bloody bright,' c om plained W inc o. 'It's like flying a Hurric ane into the s un out there. Couldn't s ee a blas ted thing. P ut m e off m y s tride. K ept on forgetting m y lines . Dam ned hot as well.' He dabbed at his m ake-up, whic h was indeed glis tening. 'A nd why don't they as k that m an with the infernal c old to leave,' s aid Malc olm , the m an playing the part of Major Lanz. 'It's very dis c onc erting when you're trying to s ay your lines , with him s neezing and s pluttering and c oughing.' 'Y ou s hould c om plain,' m oaned George Furnival. 'If this Luger pis tol was real, I'd s hoot that ruddy wom an on the front row. E very tim e I walkon s tage s he s ays , "Oh, it's him again."' 'A nd who gave perm is s ion for them to take photographs and blind people with the flas hing?' as ked Malc olm of no one in partic ular. 'It's the las t tim e I'm doing this ,' s aid George Furnival. 'I nearly did m y bac k in getting the c offin up thos e s tairs , and then that little lunatic who is s uppos ed to be direc ting this farc e and has now gone A W OL, s ays I c ouldn't put it on the s tage. It would have been a really good way to c los e the play.'

'Quite apart from giving yours elf free advertis ing,' s aid Malc olm . 'T hat's not the point! ' s napped George. He c aught s ight of m e s tanding by the door, s m iling. 'A nd you c an take that s illy grin off your fac e as well,' he s aid. 'Y ou've m is s ed m os t of the rehears als and now only arrive when it's nearly all over.' 'Good evening, m y happy band of fellow thes pians ,' I s aid c heerfully, heading for the c orner where I relieved m ys elf of m y burden. 'Don't get s ettled in there,' s aid George. 'Y ou're in the other dres s ing room .' 'I'm all right here, thank you,' I replied. 'I c an s queeze in.' 'No, no, you're not! ' exc laim ed George. 'Y ou're in dres s ing room two. It's the Germ ans in here. T he B ritis h are next door.' 'W hat?' 'W e c an't be fraternis ing with the enem y,' he s aid. 'W e're on oppos ing s ides . Getting pally with you lot will interfere with us getting into our roles as Nazis s o you c an c lear off to the other dres s ing room . S c hnell! It's Germ ans only in here.' 'George,' I s aid, 'm ay I rem ind you that this is a play. It is not for real.' 'A play,' he s norted. 'Is that what it is ? I thought it was m ore of a fias c o.' T he produc tion was s aved, as ever, by the rem arkable im provis ed efforts of Mrs Cleaver-Canning. In S c ene Five, W inc o, no doubt s till dazzled and dis c onc erted by the s tage lights , m is s ed out half his lines with the res ult that we were into the final s c ene a good five m inutes earlier than we s hould have been. P erc y, no doubt s till s quatting on his s tool like a gnom e with his bottle of brown ale, m is s ed the c ue for both Handel's W ater M us ic and the Trumpet V oluntary . W hen Mrs Cleaver-Canning s witc hed on the wireles s , no voic e of A lvar Liddell c am e ac ros s the airwaves . Undaunted and with the aplom b of a s eas oned ac tor, s he blam ed the batteries and did a very fair s um m ary of what the announc er would have s aid had the wireles s worked. Luc kily, I was alert to what was happening and I entered on c ue with the news that Mrs Hathaway's hus band was s afe and well, and that the Germ ans had handed in their guns and were now c learing the m ines in the harbour. T his was the point when there was to have been the loud explos ion but, of c ours e, nothing was heard. T here was s till no s ign of P erc y who s hould have been pos itioned in the wings , c ontrolling the s ound effec ts . I looked des perately at Mrs Cleaver-Canning. 'W hat was that?' s he exc laim ed, ad-libbing and s taring into the wings with an exc es s ively dram atic ges ture. 'W hat?' I replied nervous ly, following her gaze. 'I thought I s aw a flas h.' 'A flas h?' I repeated. 'From the harbour.' 'T he harbour?' 'Y es , the harbour,' s he s aid, s lowly and deliberately. 'Could it have been a m ine exploding?' 'A m ine?' 'P leas e don't keep repeating m e, Colonel,' s aid Mrs Cleaver-Canning. 'Did you not inform m e that you had ins truc ted the Germ ans to dis m antle the m ines in the harbour?' 'I did?' 'Y es , you did,' s he s aid. 'P erc hanc e one has exploded.' 'A h yes ,' I s aid, 'I believe it c ould have been a m ine.' S om e of the audienc e, aware that things were not going exac tly to plan, began to titter. P leas e let this end, pleas e let this end, I kept repeating to m ys elf. I was frozen to the s pot and quite unable to keep up with Mrs C-C. T hen I c aught s ight of a s m all wom an in blac k, s itting in the very c entre of the front row. S he had a c rab-apple-s our m outh and was holding a s m all notebook. I knew at onc e it was the feared theatre c ritic , Marc ia Mc Crudden. 'W hat's the tim e?' as ked Mrs Cleaver-Canning. 'W -what?' I s tuttered. S om eone in the audienc e, quite c los e to the front, c huc kled, whic h added further to m y dis c om fiture and, out of the c orner of m y eye, I c aught s ight of the theatre c ritic s c ribbling s om ething in her notebook. 'I as ked if you c ould tell m e the tim e, Colonel,' s he s aid. 'T he tim e?' I repeated. I knew I was beginning to s ound like a parrot. 'W e're forgetting Mr Churc hill,' announc ed Mrs Cleaver-Canning.' S he fiddled with the knobs on the wireles s . 'Y ou don't m ind, do you?' 'No, I'd like to hear it,' I replied, knowing full well that there was no c hanc e of that. I looked des pairingly into the wings but there was s till no s ign of P erc y. W here the devil was he? He s hould be getting ready to play the broadc as t. 'Flat batteries , I'm afraid,' s aid Mrs Cleaver-Canning, banging the top of the c abinet with the flat of her hand. 'E verything s eem s to s top working in wartim e. P erhaps you know what Mr Churc hill would have s aid, Colonel Graham , had we been able to lis ten to it on the wireles s ?' 'E rm , erm ,' I s tuttered. 'I'm ... I'm ...' 'No?' s he s aid. 'W ell, I im agine he would have announc ed the c eas e-fire, inform ed us that the dear Channel Is lands have been liberated, that the war is over and that the c aus e of freedom has trium phed over the s c ourge of tyranny.' 'I gues s he would,' I m um bled. Following the P rim e Minis ter's broadc as t, the telephone s hould have rung. T he s tage was deathly s ilent. Mrs Cleaver-Canning and I looked at eac h other for a m om ent. S he then pic ked up the rec eiver. 'Oh, it s eem s to be working again,' s he s aid. 'I think I'll ring Major Lanz and s ee what that explos ion was .' S he dialled a num ber. 'Hello, hello, is that Major Lanz? A s oldier? W hat? One of ours ? One of yours ? W hat happened? W as there a fight? A m ine? T he E nglis h c olonel's here. I'll tell him .' S he replac ed the rec eiver. 'A young Germ an s oldier's been killed by a m ine down at the harbour.' 'Oh,' was all I c ould m anage to s ay. A t this point P erc y finally arrived, offis tage right. T he next m om ent, the wireles s c am e to life with a loud rendering of Handel's W ater M us ic , the telephone rang and a loud explos ion c ould be heard offis tage. T hrough all the c ac ophony, Mrs Cleaver-Canning bravely and very loudly dec laim ed the final words of the play. 'It goes on, Colonel Graham ,' s he s aid. 'It goes on. W hen will it ever s top?' A s s oon as I was offis tage, I hurried to the dres s ing room and c hanged quic kly, keen to be on m y way. P erc y was the one who had now 'done a runner' and c ouldn't be found. Raym ond, who had s urfac ed jus t in tim e to obs erve m y dis m al perform anc e, was being c om forted by Mrs Cleaver-Canning with the aid of a wet flannel and W inc o's brandy flas k. I dec ided to s lope off before the pos t-m ortem but as I reac hed the s tage door George Furnival appeared like the pantom im e villain. 'W ell, that was a bloody m as terful perform anc e of yours tonight,' he s aid. 'T hank you for thos e few kind words of enc ouragem ent, George,' I replied. 'If W inc o had not c ut s hort half his words , and if P erc y had provided the s ound effec ts as he s hould have done, I would -' 'It's all very well you blam ing others ,' he interrupted. 'Y ou know what m y old dad us ed to s ay?' 'No, I don't and I'm really not that interes ted,' I told him . 'A good workm an never blam es his tools .' 'A nd what exac tly is that s uppos ed to m ean?' I as ked. 'W ell, I thought you were s uppos ed to be good with words . Y ou c ould have m ade a bit up ins tead of leaving it all to Margot. Y ou c ould have done a bit of im provis ation.' 'Im provis ation?' I repeated. 'A h yes , im provis ation. Y ou m ean like introduc ing a c offin into the play? Goodnight George.' I left him open-m outhed, and headed for the s tage door.

21 It was a bright but c hilly Novem ber afternoon as I drove along a narrow ribbon of em pty road beneath a pale c loudles s s ky on m y way bac k to the offic e from W illing forth, a s m all rural village s et in the depths of the Dales . T he c ountrys ide was looking as though it were ready to s ettle down for the winter. In the c orners of fields , where the s un had not reac hed, I c ould s till s ee trac es of the m orning's hoar fros t. T he heather on the m oors beyond was now dead, and appeared like a dark troubled oc ean. Here and there, the c olour was broken by c lum ps of oc hre-c oloured brac ken that were s till s tanding. S uddenly, as I turned a s harp bend, a s m all boy, perhaps ten or eleven, ran ac ros s the road s traight in front of m e, his elbows m oving like pis tons . I s lam m ed m y foot on the brake and s c reec hed to a halt, m is s ing him by a whis ker. T he boy s c rabbled over the dry s tone wall enc rus ted with lic hen, and s hot ac ros s the fields like a hare purs ued by hounds . A m om ent later three other boys , m uc h bigger in build, em erged from a s m all c ops e at the s ide of the road, red in the fac e with exertion and panting like greyhounds . T hey s topped at the roads ide when they c aught s ight of m e, s aid s om ething to eac h other and then m oved off down the road away from m e, looking bac k oc c as ionally to s ee if I were s till there. I s at for a m om ent with m y hands res ting on the s teering wheel, thinking what m ight have happened had I been travelling down that road a few s ec onds earlier. T hen I s tarted forwards again, driving extra s lowly and keeping m y eyes peeled jus t in c as e there s hould be a rec urrenc e of the inc ident. Half a m ile along the road I s potted the boy who had run out in front of m e; he was s itting on the gras s verge. I pulled over and wound down the c ar window. 'W hatever were you playing at, running out in front of m e like that?' I as ked him angrily and, as I did s o, im m ediately rec ognis ed who it was . His wavy red hair was the giveaway. 'I was in an'urry,' the boy replied, refus ing to look at m e but s taring down m ulis hly at his feet. 'I c ould s ee that,' I s aid, 'but you m ight have got yours elf killed - T erry Mos s up! ' A t the s ound of his nam e, the boy looked up, s urpris e s howing on his little s harp fac e. I had m et this young lad a c ouple of years before when I had gone out to W illing forth P rim ary S c hool at the reques t of the head teac her, Mis s P ilkington, who wanted m y advic e on how to deal with a partic ularly dis ruptive pupil one T erry Mos s up. He had c om e from a deprived bac kground, where there had been s om e abus e and c ertainly a great deal of neglec t, but was now being fos tered by a loc al doc tor and her hus band who were trying their bes t, under diffic ult c irc um s tanc es , to give the boy s om e affec tion and s tability. W hen he had s tarted at the s c hool, Terry had been rude, very naughty and des truc tive, s houting out in c las s and refus ing to do his work but Mis s P ilkington had pers evered. A fter s howing inc redible patienc e and toleranc e and inves ting a great deal of her own tim e, s he had m ade real progres s with Terry, and the boy's behaviour had im proved by leaps and bounds . T he head teac her had dis c overed that the boy had a natural way with anim als . He was the only pupil that the s c hool c at would allow to s troke her, and he liked nothing better than feeding the birds at playtim e; they would fly down to him in the s m all playground as if knowing that they had nothing to fear. On a vis it to a farm , he had been fas c inated by the c ows and the s heep, and was determ ined that when he left s c hool he would work on the land and one day have a s m allholding of his own. 'Do you rem em ber m e, T erry?' I as ked him now. T he boy s tared up at m e, with a s us pic ious expres s ion on his s m all fac e. 'No, s hould I?' 'Mr P hinn.' 'A re you a s oc ial worker?' 'T he s c hool ins pec tor.' He s m iled and nodded. 'Oh, aye, I rem em ber thee,' he s aid. 'Y ou're the one who as ks all them ques tions .' 'A nd I judged the public s peaking c om petition at the Fettle-s ham S how when you won firs t prize for your perform anc e of a piec e of vers e about c ric ket.' 'A ye, I did an' all,' he s aid nodding, and then rec ited the firs t vers e: W hativer tas k you tac kle, lads , W hativer job you do, I' all your ways , I' all your days , B e hones t through and through: P lay c ric ket. A s he s aid the lines , I rec alled the boy's fac e beam ing with pleas ure and pride as he had been given the award - a fac e like a footballer who had jus t s c ored the winning goal. 'A nd do you s till play c ric ket?' I as ked. 'Naw, not any m ore.' 'S o what s c hool are you at now?' I as ked. 'W es t Challerton'Igh,' he told m e. 'T hey have a good c ric ket team there, don't they?' 'Y ea, well, I'm not in it,' he told m e, getting to his feet. 'A nd how are you getting on at W es t Challerton?' 'I'm not,' he s aid. 'It's c rap.' 'T erry, why were thos e boys c has ing you?' I as ked. He bent down and pic ked up a s tone, whic h he exam ined as if he had found s om ething prec ious . 'T hey gang up on m e,' he s aid. 'W hy do they do that?' 'Cos I'm little and don't give'em what they want - m oney and s weets - but I don't take any c rap from 'em .' 'Have you told anyone that thes e boys are bullying you?' 'I c an handle m is s en,' he s aid, as if I had s aid s om ething offens ive. 'T hey think they're tough when they're in a gang but on their own they're like all bullies - bloody c owards .' He threw the s tone at s om e rooks in the field behind him . 'B loody rooks . E at owt they do. Farm ers 'ate'em .' 'Did they hurt you, thos e boys ?' I as ked. T he boy rubbed a red m ark on his nec k. 'I've'ad wors e,' he s aid looking m e in the eyes . I gues s you have, I thought. 'I think perhaps you s hould tell s om ebody at s c hool,' I s aid. 'Naw,' he s aid dis m is s ively. 'W hat's the us e? T hey never do owt. Y ou jus t'ave to put up wi' it.' 'No, you don't,' I s aid. 'Y ou don't have to put up with it. If you are being bullied, you s hould tell s om eone you trus t - your fos ter parents , a teac her, a friend. Y ou m us t never ignore bullying. It won't jus t go away. S om ething s hould be done about it.' 'A ye, well,' he s aid, s tuffing his hands in his poc kets , 'they'll'ave got tired of wait in' by now, s o I'd bes t be off'om e.' 'J us t a m inute, T erry,' I s aid. 'W hat?' 'Have you told your fos ter parents you're being bullied?' 'Naw, it'd only m ekthings wors e.' 'No, it wouldn't,' I s aid. He looked at m e, and his fac e tightened. ''Ow would you know?'A ve you been fos tered, lived in a c hildren's hom e, taken away from your m am , not allowed to s ee your little brother, always m ovin' around from one plac e to another, s witc h in' s c hools ,'avin' to go to all thes e m eetin's when they talk about you? T hen you get to this new s c hool an' all the teac hers know you're in c are and then everybody knows an' you s tand out an' kids s tart to pic k on you c os you're different. T hen they s ay things about your m am an' where you c om e from , an' you get into a s c rap and s ent to the deputy'ead an' you c an s ee it in the teac her's eyes 'T hes e kids are all the s am e - trouble.' I lis tened to his outburs t but c ouldn't reply. I really had no c onc eption of the life this c hild led. W hat a s ad, angry and troubled boy he was , s tanding on the gras s y verge, his blazer ripped and his eyes filling with tears . 'T erry -' I began. 'S ee ya,' he s aid and, with that, the boy s et off running down the road. 'T erry! ' I s houted after him . 'W ill you prom is e m e you will tell s om eone?' He turned and c alled bac k to m e, 'I've told y ou, haven't I?' A s I drovetothe offic e on that c old afternoon, I rec alled the tim e when I was about T erry's age and I too had a problem with a bully - but that's a s tory I'll tell another tim e. In the offic e I s at at m y des k, s taring out of the window wondering jus t what I c ould do about T erry Mos s up. 'P enny for them ,' s aid J ulie, who had c om e in to put s om e papers on Geraldine's des k. 'S orry, what -' I as ked. 'Y ou were m iles away.' 'I was thinking,' I s aid. 'W hat about?' 'A bout a little boy who leads a life no c hild s hould lead,' I s aid. 'S ounds s erious ,' s aid J ulie. 'I think I'd better m ake you a s trong c up of tea.' 'T hanks , J ulie, that would be great. B ut firs t, c ould you get m e the s c hool s ec retary at W es t Challerton High on the phone, pleas e? I need to arrange a vis it.' A t that m om ent, David and S idney arrived nois ily in the offic e - arguing as us ual. 'W e s hall have to agree to dis agree,' s aid David c ros s ly. 'Fine,' s aid S idney. T hen, after a paus e, added, 'B ut I know I'm right.' A few m inutes later, after I had s poken to W es t Challerton S c hool, arranging to go and s ee the headm as ter the next m orning, J ulie tottered in with a tray of c ups of tea for all of us . It was s om e feat to c arry them without s pilling a drop, c ons idering the height of her heels . 'Do you rem em ber, Mr P hinn,' s he as ked, 'when Mrs S avage told you that her c ar wouldn't s tart the other afternoon and s he had to c adge a lift from you to get to the planning m eeting at Mans ton Hall?' 'Y es .' 'W ell, it was n't that it wouldn't s tart,' s aid J ulie gleefully. 'S he'd been c lam ped! ' 'Mrs S avage c lam ped! ' repeated S idney. 'Oh goody! ' 'Makes a c hange from Mr Clam p being s avaged,' c huc kled David. 'A c c ording to Marlene on the s witc h board,' s aid J ulie, 's he had parked her c ar in one of the c ounc illors ' bays and s he got c lam ped. S he goes round telling everyone not to park in thos e bays and then s he goes and does it hers elf. T ypic al! W ell, what's s auc e for the goos e is s auc e for the gander. S he had to s how hers elf at the A dm in. offic e, and pay a fine to get the c lam p taken off.' 'Hois t by her own petard,' I obs erved. 'Her what?' as ked J ulie. 'Nothing,' I s aid. 'J us t an expres s ion.' 'W ell, whatever it m eans , it s erves her right,' s aid J ulie. 'It's poetic jus tic e.' 'W hat's all this about you giving Mrs S avage a lift anyway, Gervas e?' as ked S idney. 'Y ou s eem to be getting m ighty pally with her, if you as k m e. Y ou'll be m aking old T odger jealous .' 'Firs t of all, S idney,' s aid David, 'his nam e is T adge and not T odger, as you well know. S ec ondly, Gervas e is a happily m arried m an with a young baby, s o has no interes t in other wom en and, finally and m os t im portantly, Mrs S avage is the las t pers on in the world he is likely to get pally with.' 'T hank you, David,' I s aid. 'I c ouldn't have put it better m ys elf.' 'Oh, by the way,' s aid J ulie, holding up a c opy of the Fettles ham Gaz ette, 'you're in the paper.' 'I am ?' I as ked. 'A nd there's a photograph of you with a group of s oldiers and a s eedy-looking m an in a rainc oat,' s he told m e. 'I knew that your noc turnal exploits in the gentlem an's lav on Fettles ham High S treet would eventually c atc h you out and get to the pres s ,' s aid S idney. 'Y ou've been expos ed, dear boy, if you will exc us e the pun.' 'It's a real rag that paper,' I s aid. 'T hey rarely c hec ktheir fac ts . It was pure luc k that we were able to s c otc h that artic le about Tarnc liffe S c hool and Mr Hornc hurc h's E nglis h les s on. A nd when I wrote an artic le for National P oetry Day, it was full of errors .' I reac hed for the paper and began looking through it. 'It'll be a review of the play I was in the weekend before las t. I'm dreading to s ee what it s ays . T he night the c ritic was there was a hum iliating failure.' 'I rec all onc e there was a wonderful headline in the Gaz ette about the Lady Cavendis h High S c hool,' s aid S idney. 'HE A DMIS T RE S S UNV E ILS B US T A T DE DICA T ION CE RE MONY '. I c an jus t im agine the redoubtable Mis s B rons on unveiling her bus t.' 'I c an't find this review,' I s aid. 'P age eight,' J ulie s aid. 'Marc ia Mc Crudden's c olum n.' 'Give it here,' s aid S idney, c om ing ac ros s the room and s natc hing the paper from m e. 'I'll tell you what it s ays and s pare your blus hes .' He turned to the page. 'Here it is ,' he s aid, taking a theatric al s tanc e before reading: "'T he s taging of a wartim e c las s ic dram a, bas ed on the autobiography of the Dam e of S ark, was perform ed las t week by the Fettles ham Literary P layers at the Little T heatre. It was a bold undertaking by any s tandards and was warm ly rec eived by a m os t apprec iative audienc e."' 'Does it really s ay that, S idney?' I as ked. 'T hat's not bad.' 'S c out's honour.' He read on. 'T he undis puted s tar of the s how was Margot Cleaver-Canning who gave an ins pired perform anc e as the form idable Dam e of S ark, Mrs S ibyl Hathaway. S he c aptured the larger-than-life c harac ter s uperbly, dom inating the s tage with her im perious pres enc e. In her volum inous blac kdres s , s he was every inc h the powerful m atriarc hal figure whos e c ourage and determ ination rem ained s teadfas t during the oc c upation of her is land hom e. S he was ably s upported by Norm an Cleaver-Canning as the m ild-m annered, aris toc ratic , rather bum bling Germ an c om m ander, who was no m atc h for the Dam e. It was a delight to s ee them on s tage together. S haron Maws on, playing the part of Celine, Mrs Hathaway's Frenc h m aid, brought s parkling hum our and vitality to a very dem anding role. S he m aintained the B reton ac c ent throughout the dram a with great authentic ity. I look forward to s eeing m uc h m ore of this talented young wom an."' 'It gets better,' I s aid. S idney read on. '"A nother s terling perform anc e was given by George Furnival, the s inis ter Dr B raun, whos e angry delivery of his lines s howed his dis pleas ure and hos tility when in the pres enc e of the Dam e. His pale deadpan features and s lim y m anner were perfec tly s uited to the role of a m em ber of the feared Ges tapo."' 'S ounds a tour de forc e to m e,' s aid David. 'I s hould have got tic kets to take Gwynneth. W hy didn't you tell us about it?' 'Do I get a m ention?' I as ked, ignoring him . 'Y es , here you are at the end,' s aid S idney. He read in s ilenc e. 'W ell, go on,' I s aid. 'W hat does it s ay?' 'P erhaps you ought to read it yours elf, old boy,' s aid S idney, with a rather hangdog expres s ion. 'No, no,' I s aid, 'go on S idney. I'd like to hear. I don't m ind what it s ays .' I s hould have thought bac k a m om ent to m y perform anc e. 'V ery well,' s aid m y c olleague. He c oughed. '"Gervas e P hinn, playing the part of the B ritis h Colonel Graham , was ..."' S idney paus ed. 'W as what?' I as ked. '"Lac klus tre",' s aid S idney. '"Lac klus tre"! ' I c ried. 'T hat's what it s ays .' S idney c ontinued, 'He m um bled though his few lines with little c onvic tion and it was hard to s us pend one's dis belief and ac c ept that one s o youthful looking -"' 'W ell, there's a c om plim ent, at leas t,' interrupted David. 'Go on, S idney,' I s aid quietly. '"... that one s o youthful looking and s o lac king in as s ertivenes s c ould have been the s enior B ritis h offic er who liberated the is land."' Not an overwhelm ingly good review, is it, old boy?' 'It's awful,' I s aid. 'I was fine at rehears al. It was the blas ted s ound effec ts or, rather, the lac k of them that did for m e. It put m e c om pletely off m y s troke.' 'W ell, it rules you out for a role at S tratford,' s aid David. '"Lac klus tre"! ' I s aid again. It was then that I rec alled this was the very s am e word I had us ed to des c ribe the two teac hers at Ugglem atters by J unior S c hool. 'I'd bes t get on,' s aid J ulie, giving m e a s ym pathetic glanc e as s he left the offic e. 'Never m ind, Gervas e,' s aid S idney, returning to his des k and leaning bac k in his c hair. 'You have to look on the pos itive s ide of this . One good thing is that you won't be c alled upon again to tread the boards , having to give up all thos e evenings rehears ing with a group of broken-down am ateur ac tors . You c an now, as the politic ians frequently s ay, s pend m ore tim e with your fam ily.'

'Cheer up,' s aid David. 'Y ou'll have forgotten all about it by tom orrow.' 'Y es ,' I s aid, feeling rotten ins ide. 'It's jus t that I'm a bit taken a bac k by the review. I didn't think I was that bad. A nyway,' I s aid, pic king up m y briefc as e, 'I m us t be away to a governors ' m eeting.' T o be hones t, I was relieved to have an appointm ent to go to. T he following m orning, I went s traight from hom e to W es t Challerton High S c hool. I was glad that I had been able to get an early appointm ent to s ee the headm as ter bec aus e I really wanted to get this bullying problem s orted out. Mr P ennington-S m ith was thin and s tiff as a broom handle. He had s hort-c ropped iron-grey hair and eyes like blue c hina m arbles behind thic k blac k-fram ed glas s es . He was wearing, as always , a blac kac adem ic gown. 'A nd what have we done to des erve a vis itation from yet another s c hool ins pec tor?' he as ked, with undis guis ed s arc as m in his voic e. He had kept m e waiting in the entranc e hall for a good ten m inutes before em erging from his room to m eet m e. 'You ins pec tors m us t enjoy c om ing to W es t Challerton,' he c ontinued in his deep and grating voic e. 'Y ou s eem to s pend s o m uc h tim e here.' It was true that S idney, David and Geraldine had vis ited the s c hool frequently in rec ent m onths , largely bec aus e s everal areas of weaknes s had been identified in their reports . Des pite his grandios e c laim s when he had taken over the heads hip, little had been trans lated into good prac tic e. Mr P ennington-S m ith was , as David's old W els h grandm other m ight have des c ribed him , 'all wind and no s ubs tanc e'. A t our firs t m eeting, when I had vis ited the s c hool to introduc e m ys elf and offer what help and advic e I c ould, I very s oon dis c overed that this overweening and arrogant m an felt he was in little need of any as s is tanc e or guidanc e from anyone, leas t of all a s c hool ins pec tor who, I gues s , he thought was s till wet behind the ears . I had been s ubjec ted to a lengthy m onologue in whic h he had des c ribed his im pec c able c redentials in the educ ation world and his vas t experienc e. I had bris tled when he had launc hed into a diatribe of the previous headm as ter. His predec es s or, Mr B lunt, ('B lunt by nam e and blunt by nature') was a large, bluff and outs poken Y ork-s hirem an yet, des pite his brus que m anner, I had rather liked the m an. 'I am afraid, Mr P hinn,' Mr P ennington-S m ith had c onfided in m e at that firs t vis it and fixing m e with his c old, fis hy eyes , 'that the form er inc um bent tended to - how c an I put it diplom atic ally? - to let things drift. I don't wis h to be too unkind and I have no doubt that, at one tim e, Mr B lunt ran a tight s hip, but s adly things got s lac k.' I quic kly dis c overed that he was very big on nautic al m etaphors , and thoroughly des erved the nic knam e we ins pec tors s oon bes towed on him - Captain B ligh. I had thought at the tim e that s uc h obs ervations about his predec es s or were unfounded and I had told Mr P ennington-S m ith as m uc h. Under Mr B lunt's leaders hip, the s c hool had ac hieved c om m endable exam ination res ults , was relatively s uc c es s ful in s ports , had a thriving bras s band, s taged good-quality dram a produc tions and there was a pos itive atm os phere. It was n't the c ounty's flags hip s c hool but it c ertainly was not in the doldrum s . A t the s c hool's prize-giving c erem ony and s peec h day that I'd attended, it had been c lear to m e and everyone els e hearing Captain B ligh's 'perform anc e' behind the lec tern that only the m os t s uc c es s ful s tudents in the various ac adem ic s ubjec ts and thos e who did well in s port would be pres ented with any awards , and that the em phas is in the s c hool, under Mr P ennington-S m ith's leaders hip, would be on the m ore able and the high ac hievers . S o, when young A ndy, s tanding in the garden at P eewit Cottage, had as s es s ed his headm as ter as being 'only bothered abaat bright kids and them what are good at s ports ,' he reinforc ed an opinion I had already form ed. A fter a little over a year in the job, things had not altered at all for the better at W es t Challerton High S c hool. In fac t, if anything, they s eem ed to have wors ened and m y c olleague ins pec tors had s ubm itted a s eries of c ritic al reports , all of whic h had been c hallenged by the headm as ter, s upported by his c hairm an of governors , none other than Counc illor, Mr Deputy Mayor, George 'pain in the nec k' P eters on. 'I've c om e about bullying,' I told Mr P ennington-S m ith now. 'B ullying,' he repeated. 'Y es . I have reas on to believe that one of your pupils is being bullied.' 'Y ou s ound like a polic em an, Mr P hinn,' he s aid rais ing an eyebrow. '"Reas on to believe"?' 'Y es ,' I s aid. 'I am not c ertain of the fac ts but -' 'A nd you have m ade a s pec ial vis it to inform m e about one pupil,' he interrupted. 'Y es , I thought I s hould draw it to your attention.' 'I would have thought that you have m any m ore pres s ing m atters than m aking a s pec ial vis it to the s c hool over a s ingle pupil. I am s ure a telephone c all would have s uffic ed.' 'P erhaps ,' I s aid, 'but I thought I s hould ac quaint you pers onally with the s ituation.' I realis ed with horror that I had unwittingly aped S avage-s peak. 'I am s ure that you take bullying as s erious ly as I do, and if it is one or one hundred pupils being bullied it is im portant to tac kle it. In fac t, the boy c onc erned c ould very well have been killed.' 'W ell, you had better c om e to m y room ,' he s aid. I followed him down the c orridor. He glanc ed at a s hiny watc h on his wris t. 'I have a S enior Managem ent Meeting to c hair at ten o'c loc k and s everal pres s ing m atters to deal with - but I c an s pare you ten m inutes .' He s at at his des k and, to m y s urpris e, lis tened im pas s ively and without interruption as I related the inc ident with T erry Mos s up and how I had very nearly knoc ked him down. 'B ut from what you have told m e,' he s aid when I had finis hed, 'this inc ident took plac e off s c hool prem is es and out of s c hool hours . A m I right?' 'It did, yes ,' I replied. 'I c an hardly be expec ted to polic e s oc iety as a whole, Mr P hinn,' s aid Mr P ennington-S m ith pom pous ly. 'W hat am I expec ted to do - es c ort the s tudent hom e, patrol the highway, s tand on s treet c orners on the look-out for bullies ? I deal with things whic h happen in m y s c hool, and have no c ontrol over what happens out of it.' 'B ut would you not agree,' I as ked him , 'that the bullying of one of your pupils outs ide s c hool s hould c onc ern you s inc e the bullying is m ore than likely to c ontinue on s c hool prem is es .' 'Of c ours e I'm c onc erned with the pupils in m y s c hool,' he s aid, 'and I s hall take any ac tion I deem fit.' 'May I as k what ac tion you m ight take?' I as ked. 'I s hall as k m y deputy head teac her, Mr S tipple, to inves tigate the m atter. If, indeed, this is a c as e of vic tim is ation, I s hall deal with thes e three boys you c an be c ertain of that. I will not tolerate any form of bullying in W es t Challerton High S c hool. A s you m ay be aware, I have a very thorough and well-tried antibullying polic y.' 'May I as k-' I s tarted. 'One m om ent, pleas e. I will get you a c opy of our polic y.' He pres s ed a buzzer on his des k. A dis em bodied voic e as ked, 'Y es , Mr P ennington-S m ith?' 'Mrs Rogers , would you bring m e a c opy of our anti-bullying polic y, pleas e?' T he headm as ter s m iled. 'Y ou m ight wis h to take it with you when you leave,' he s aid. On m y way to the c ar, I c am e upon a knot of large boys having a c rafty s m oke well out of s ight of the m ain building. T he c igarettes m irac ulous ly dis appeared as I approac hed. I s m iled, rec alling the tim e when I was their age and had s nuc k off with s everal pals behind the bic yc le s heds to do the s am e. I was not a very s uc c es s ful s m oker and after s everal bouts of vom iting gave up the dreaded weed for good. 'Morning, boys ,' I s aid c heerfully as I pas s ed. One of the group, a large pink-fac ed lad with c oars e bris tly brown hair and enorm ous ears , em erged from the group of lads , flic king his c igarette s tub into a bus h. 'Hey up, Mes ter P hinn.' 'Hello, A ndy,' I s aid. 'E re on hoffic ial bus ines s , are tha?' he as ked. 'S om ething like that,' I told him . 'A re tha c los in' t's c hool down, then?' he as ked. 'No,' I replied. 'P ity.' 'B y the way, the garden is looking really good.' 'A n' t'gutterin'?' 'Fine.' 'A n' no m ore s quirrels ?' 'Not one.' ''A s thy'eard abaat m i Unc le'A rry?' the boy as ked. 'No, what?' I replied. ''E 's been barred.' 'B arred?' I repeated. 'From t'Royal Oak. New landlord got s ic k on'im c om plainin' all t'tim e, m oanin' abaat all t'c hanges s o'e barred'im . T elled'im not to c om e bac k an' to tekhis pals wi' im .' 'A ll four have been banned?' I as ked. 'T hat's a bit m uc h.' 'W ell, to be'ones t, Mes ter P hinn, it were a bit c heeky-like fer m i Unc le'A rry to get up this pertition an' as k people c om in' into t'pub to s ign it.' 'I s uppos e it was ,' I s aid, although it was jus t the thing Harry Cotton would do, I thought to m ys elf. 'A ny road,'e's in a reight tem per thes e days , angry as an'ungry ferret in a s ac k.' 'I'll rem em ber to keep out of his way,' I s aid. 'W ell, let us know if there's owt els e I c an'elp thee wi'.' 'T here is s om ething,' I s aid, having a s udden and ins pired thought. 'Could you walkwith m e to the c ar? I'd like a quiet word with you.' W hen we were out of ears hot of the other boys , I s topped. 'A ndy,' I s aid, 'there's a boy in the firs t year here at W es t Challerton c alled Terry Mos s up. He's a bit of a loner, s m all for his age with ginger hair.' 'A ye, I rec kon I've s een'im abaat. Funny kid. A llus on'is own.' 'W ell, he's had a fair bit of trouble in his life and I thinkyou c an be of help.' 'W hat's tha want m e to do then, Mes ter P hinn?' he as ked. 'He's being bullied by three older and m uc h bigger boys and it oc c urred to m e that -' He finis hed m y s entenc e. 'T ha wants m e to put a s top to it.' 'W ell, what I was thinking was , that you m ight -' 'No problem , Mes ter P hinn,' he s aid. 'I'll fettle it for thee. Nob'dy'll pic kon'im from now on. I'ates bullies , there's s um m at up wi'em . A nyone who likes to m ek others ups et m us t be a bit tapped in t'ead.' 'I don't want you to do anything in partic ular, A ndy,' I s aid. 'J us t keep a watc hful eye on T erry.' T he boy winked. 'I follow yer drift, Mes ter P hinn,' he s aid knowingly, tapping the s ide of his nos e. 'I'll not do nowt in partic ular.' 'T hank you,' I s aid. 'B ut there's s um m at tha c an do fer m e,' he told m e. 'Y es , of c ours e,' I replied. 'W hat that?' 'K eep thee gob s hut abaat t's m okin'.'

22 On a m orning towards the end of Novem ber, I vis ited K ing Henry's College in B rindc liffe to obs erve s om e E nglis h les s ons . On m y previous vis it, I had been m os tly im pres s ed with the quality of teac hing. T he exc eption was the head of departm ent, Mr Frobis her, a pale-c om plexioned individual, with large hooded eyes m agnified behind rim les s s pec tac les . He s eem ed to be totally devoid of hum our and had the arroganc e of a S panis h c onquis tador. Following m y very c ritic al report, he had dec ided to take early retirem ent. I was s urpris ed this m orning, however, to find Mrs Todd bac k at K ing Henry's . W hen I had firs t m et her, here at this s c hool, s he had rec ently retired as the head of the E nglis h Departm ent in a large c om prehens ive. S he had been pers uaded to do s om e s upply teac hing at K ing Henry's and had been there during the Frobis her affair. S he had told m e s om e tim e later that s he was m oving on to T he Lady Cavendis h High S c hool for Girls , to c over for a m aternity leave. S he was a petite wom an with neatly-perm ed, tinted hair and c lear rather pierc ing blue eyes behind s m all round s pec tac les . Having s at in on one of her les s ons , I knew s he was s om eone who c learly enjoyed the c hallenge pres ented her by lively, intelligent but s om etim es rather diffic ult and dem anding s tudents , and that, I s uppos e, was why s he had been prevailed upon to return to the c las s room onc e her own fam ily had grown up. S he m et m e now outs ide the s taff room , and s he explained as we walked together to her c las s room . 'My c ontrac t at T he Lady Cavendis h ended when the teac her I was c overing for returned to work. S he had a little boy c alled Harry, by the way.' 'A nd you were pers uaded to c om e bac k here as the ac ting head of departm ent?' I s aid. 'Dragooned m ore like.' S he laughed. 'A fter Mr Frobis her left, they appointed a teac her who I believe they were pleas ed with. Mos t unfortunately, however, s he had to s tand down when her teenage s on was involved in a s erious m otor c yc le ac c ident during the s um m er holidays , and now requires round-the-c loc k c are at hom e. T he s c hool got in touc h with m e, and here I am .' 'It's nic e to s ee you again,' I s aid warm ly. 'A nd you don't m ind being bac k in the old routine?' 'No, I am very happy to be bac k in the c las s room . It didn't take m uc h to pers uade m e. W hen I'm away from s c hool, I m is s teac hing terribly.' T he s ixth form group s tood up when we entered the c las s room . 'Do pleas e s it down, boys ,' s aid the teac her. S he fac ed the c las s and s m iled. 'It will not have es c aped your notic e that we have a vis itor with us today. T his is Mr P hinn.' 'E xc us e m e, s ir.' T he s peaker, s itting at one of the front des ks , was a gangly boy with lanky brown hair and angry ac ne ac ros s his forehead and c heeks . 'I know you, don't I?' I rec ognis ed the boy im m ediately. W ho c ould forget s uc h a c harac ter? I had m et Hugo Maxwell-S m ith on m y las t vis it to K ing Henry's . He had been extrem ely obs treperous , c ons tantly c hallenging Mr Frobis her, trying to c atc h him out, or m aking s om e c lever c om m ent and dem ons trating his undoubted ability. He was an extrem ely bright but belligerent s tudent. I wondered how Mrs T odd was c oping with s uc h a tric ky and troubles om e individual. 'Do you?' I as ked the boy innoc ently. 'Y ou're the s c hool ins pec tor,' s aid the boy. 'T he m an in blac k who s its in the c orner of our c las s room with his little note book and a s et of ques tions . I'm s ure you rem em ber.' 'A h, yes ,' I s aid, rec alling well the oc c as ion when the boy had grilled m e. 'W ho exac tly are you?' he had as ked 'A nd what is it that you do?' W hen I had inform ed him that it was us ually the ins pec tor and not the pupils who as ked the ques tions , he had replied, 'B ut s urely in a good s c hool, the pupils are enc ouraged to as k ques tions , are they not?' 'Y ou will have to be c areful, Mrs T odd,' Hugo told her with a s m irk on his fac e. 'It was after Mr P hinn's las t vis it to K ing Henry's that Mr Frobis her s uddenly and m ys terious ly left. I think the term is "T he K is s of Death".' 'I s hall have to watc h m y s tep then, Hugo, won't I?' replied Mrs T odd pleas antly. 'Now, why don't you get out your books and we c an begin.' T he les s on was extrem ely well taught but, as expec ted, Hugo was at pains to be c lever and an ins ufferable s how-off. W hen as ked by the teac her what was Rom eo's las t wis h he replied, 'T o get laid by J uliet.' T he innuendo was not los t on the teac her who rem ained unflus tered and affable. 'B y that, do you m ean Rom eo wis hed to be buried in the c rypt next to J uliet, Hugo, or to have s ex with her? Y ou really have to be m ore explic it in what you m ean.' T he boy didn't give up and c ontinued to try and em barras s the teac her. 'T here's a lot of erotic im agery in the play,' he obs erved, 'is n't there, Mrs T odd?' 'Indeed there is , Hugo,' s aid the teac her, 'but then there is a great deal of s exual language in m any of S hakes peare's plays . It appealed to the groundlings , jus t as s m utty hum our and s ugges tive allus ions appeal to s om e people today.' S he gave him a long and knowing look. 'S o what was the point you wis hed to m ake?' 'It was jus t an obs ervation,' replied the boy. 'W ell, thank you for that,' s aid Mrs Todd. 'I am m os t grateful to you for pointing it out, and I am s ure that I don't need to s pell out all the s exual allus ions to you, Hugo, do I, your being a m an of the world?' T here were a few s niggers from the res t of the c las s . 'B ut if you are uns ure about anything, I s hall be m os t happy to explain things .' 'Of c ours e I know what they m ean,' he replied, c learly put out, 'but -' 'W as there s om ething els e?' as ked the teac her. 'No,' s aid the boy. 'T hen we c an get on,' s aid Mrs T odd. 'P erhaps , Hugo, you m ight like to read on from where we were at the las t les s on. A c t 1, S c ene 5, line 47.' T he boy s ighed and read the vers e in a s ing-s ong m anner: O! s he doth teac h the torc hes to burn bright. It s eem s s he hangs upon the c heek of night Like a ric h jewel in an E thiop's ear; B eauty too ric h for us e, for earth too dear! S o s hows a s nowy dove trooping with c rows , A s yonder lady o'er her fellows s hows . 'Hugo,' s aid the teac her, in m oc k-horror, 'you have the greates t words of love at your dis pos al and you are reading them like an inventory. I want to hear pas s ion in your voic e. Rom eo's s m itten, he c an hardly breathe for love of this beautiful young wom an.' 'Can s om eone els e read it, Mrs T odd,' s aid the boy, blus hing and c learly irritated. 'I think it's rather s oppy.' 'S elf-indulgently s entim ental, I think m ight be a better des c ription if you were m aking this obs ervation on your exam ination paper. E xam iners do not take kindly to c olloquialis m s . B ut, of c ours e, I don't agree with you that this is m awkis h. I think the lines are rather beautiful. P erhaps , Hugo,' s he s aid s m iling, 'when you are in love, the words of Rom eo m ight ring true.' T here were m ore titters from the c las s . T he boy brooded for m uc h of the les s on but as it neared m orning break he thought he would have another s alvo. 'Mrs T odd,' he s aid, 'you know you s aid there is a lot of s exual language in m any of S hakes peare's plays .' 'Y es ,' replied the teac her. 'I've never been quite s ure,' he s aid, nudging the boy next to him , 'what the differenc e is between the word "erotic " and the word "kinky".' 'W ell, perhaps I c an explain,' s aid the teac her, without the leas t s ign of any em barras s m ent. 'Let m e s ee. "E rotic ", I think, c om es from the Frenc h erotique m eaning "s exual love", but "kinky" will have a m uc h m ore rec ent provenanc e. Let m e give you an exam ple. To have a long s oft os tric h feather brus hed entic ingly ac ros s your c heek by a beautiful wom an m ight be c ons idered erotic . T o us e the whole os tric h would be, I gues s , regarded as kinky. Does that explain?' 'Y es , m is s ,' replied the boy s ullenly, as the res t of the c las s burs t out laughing. A fter the les s on, when I was c hatting with Mrs Todd, s he s aid, 'I think I m entioned on the las t oc c as ion we m et, Mr P hinn, that I have brought up four boys of m y own and know all too well how the adoles c ent's m ind works . I taught for m any years in a tough inner-c ity s c hool, and I have always found that the rebellious and unm anageable boys tend to s eek attention by m is behaving or trying to provoke the teac her. T here is nothing I haven't s een or heard when it c om es to teenagers . Hugo tries it on but he will s oon learn that I am not the one to ris e to his c lever c om m ents .' 'I thought you handled him very well,' I s aid. 'I rem em ber what a thorn in the fles h he was for Mr Frobis her.' 'I know I m ight s ound unc haritable,' s he s aid, 'but Mr Frobis her did rather as k for it. I rem em ber the tim e the s c hool s taged the S c ottis h play. Mr Frobis her, rather puritan in his views , if you rec all, tinkered about with the text in c as e anything s hould give offenc e to anyone in the audienc e. Our c olleague, the ines tim able Mr P oppleton, was inc ens ed that anyone s hould have the im pertinenc e to alter S hakes peare but Mr Frobis her c arried on regardles s , c hopping and c hanging. He told young Hugo, who was playing the part of K ing Dunc an, to adjus t the language of his very firs t line. You m ay rem em ber, Mr P hinn, that in Mac beth, the K ing, s eeing a s urvivor of the battle s taggering on to the s tage, as ks his attendants , "W hat bloody m an is that?" Hugo, as direc ted, c hanged the line to his own vers ion, "A nd who's that s illy bugger, then?" You c an im agine Mr Frobis her's reac tion! ' S he s m iled and s hook her head. 'Hugo will either end up in pris on or bec om e a very s uc c es s ful barris ter like his father.' Later that m orning, I arrived at W es tgarth P rim ary S c hool. I had vis ited this s c hool, an ugly, s prawling building enc los ed by blac k iron railings , when I had firs t s tarted as a s c hool ins pec tor. I had ac c om panied Harold Yeats , the then S enior Ins pec tor, and we had been m is taken for the m en from the P rem is es and Maintenanc e S ec tion of the E duc ation Departm ent who were due to c om e to fix the leak in the boys ' toilets . I had m ade a return vis it to W es tgarth S c hool the following year to s peak at a parents ' m eeting and had found the c hairm an of governors , Mr P ars ons , to be an ins ufferable individual. He was loud, extrem ely portly, and had a profound s ens e of his own im portanc e. He had berated m e, as I prepared to give m y talk, about the dec line in educ ational s tandards , the lac k of dis c ipline and m anners in the young and the inc reas e in juvenile c rim e. I had lis tened to him wearily. A s I m ade m y way up the path to the s c hool entranc e now, to attend the interview panel for a new deputy headteac her, I hoped that Mr P ars ons wouldn't be there, but I knew full well he would be, no doubt s pouting his outrageous views . I notic ed a red s ports c ar parked in the road outs ide the s c hool, whic h told m e that Dr Gore's repres entative on the panel, the redoubtable Mrs S avage, had already arrived. T his was likely, I thought, to prove a very interes ting m orning. I c ould hear the c hairm an of governors ' loud and abras ive voic e at the end of the c orridor as I approac hed the head teac her's room . Taking a deep breath I knoc ked and entered. T here were five people pres ent, four of whom were being lec tured by Mr P ars ons . T he s peaker s topped m id-s entenc e when he s aw m e. 'S o, if you want m y opinion -' 'Good m orning,' I s aid brightly. 'Oh,' s aid Mr P ars ons . 'It's Mr Flynn. W e c an m ake a s tart now you've arrived.' T here was the hint of c ritic is m in his voic e. 'P hinn,' I s aid. 'W hat?' 'It's Mr P hinn,' s aid Mrs T hornton, the headteac her, m oving forward to s hake m y hand. 'T hank you for c om ing.' Mrs T hornton was dres s ed in a thic k green tweed s uit in c ontras t to the CE O's P ers onal A s s is tant who was s tanding by the window. Mrs S avage was attired in an elegant s alm onc oloured dres s with a blac k velvet jac ket. S he looked as s tylis h as ever. 'You know Mrs S avage, of c ours e,' c ontinued the headteac her, 'but m ay I introduc e two of m y governors , Mrs S m ethurs t and Mrs Curry.' T he headteac her gave m e a knowing look as s he s aid, 'A nd, of c ours e, you've m et Mr P ars ons .' 'W ell, now we're all here,' s aid the c hairm an of governors , 's hall we m ake a s tart? I've a bus ines s to run and don't want thes e interviews dragging on.' 'I don't think it will take us long,' the headteac her told him . S he turned to m e. 'Unfortunately, two of the c andidates have pulled out at the las t m inute s o we only have three applic ants to c ons ider. I did s ugges t to Mr P ars ons that perhaps we ought to re-advertis e -' 'B ut I s aid we s hould go ahead,' he interrupted. 'I'm the s ort of pers on who likes to get things done.' T he interviews took plac e in the s c hool hall. T he s ix of us , with Mr P ars ons pos itioned in the c entre, s at in a row at a long tres tle table in front of whic h was a hard-bac ked c hair for the interviewee. Firs t of all, the c andidates ' applic ation form s were c ons idered by the governors and the headteac her and, m uc h to m y horror when I heard the nam e, it bec am e c lear that the c hairm an had a preferred c hoic e. Neither Mrs S avage, who was pres ent to rec ord the deliberations and report bac k to Dr Gore, nor I, who always preferred to wait until I had s een and heard what eac h applic ant had to s ay, gave an opinion. However, from what I had read on the applic ation form , one of the c andidates s eem ed em inently s uitable, another was a s trong pos s ibility and the third, Mr P ars on's obvious favourite, was quite uns uitable. I had m et Mis s P inkney, the firs t c andidate, when I had ins pec ted S t Catherine's , a s c hool for thos e with 's pec ial needs ', s om e two years earlier and had been very im pres s ed by her teac hing. I had arrived in the hall to watc h a dram a les s on, where I had m et this larger-than-life, bubbly, m iddle-aged wom an with long hair gathered up in a tortois es hell c om b. S he had been dres s ed in a bright pink and yellow Lyc ra trac ks uit, and I rem em ber thinking at the tim e that s he looked like a huge c hunk of B attenberg c ake. 'Com e along in, Mr P hinn,' s he had boom ed. 'S hoes by the door, jac ket on a peg. T here's a s pare leotard if you want to s lip into it.' W hen s he had s een the appalled look on m y fac e, s he had added, 'Only joking! ' S he had then inform ed m e that her s tudents , all of whom were dis abled but 'very talented', were her 's tars '. It was trans parent that this teac her had a very pos itive relations hip with the c hildren; s he was s ens itive, enc ouraging, and good-hum oured. I had m et a c heerful and obvious ly c lever young m an at S t Catherine's whos e am bition was to s tudy E nglis h at univers ity. Mic hael, aged s ixteen, had been blind s inc e birth but announc ed when I s poke to him that his blindnes s was not a 'handic ap' nor a 'dis ability'; it was 'm ore of an inc onvenienc e' and that if s ighted people like m ys elf were a little m ore c ons iderate and put things bac k in their proper plac e, then he wouldn't bang into them . I had learnt to read B raille when I had s tudied for a teac hing diplom a but had bec om e very rus ty and Mic hael had been m os t am us ed at m y m is erable efforts to dec ipher the dots on the page. 'Not the world's bes t reader,' he had told m e, good naturedly. 'I think you need to brus h up on your B raille, Mr P hinn.' He'd had no problem s , of c ours e, reading the text and his fingers had m oved ac ros s the page at a rem arkable s peed. 'Y ou're a pretty im portant pers on, aren't you?' Mic hael had told m e. 'Not really.' 'Y es , you are,' he had s aid. 'T he atm os phere in the s c hool s inc e the teac hers knew you were c om ing has been m anic .Y ou write a report about the s c hool and how things c an be im proved and the teac hers have to do it.' He waited for a res pons e but when I didn't reply, he added, 'W ell, don't they?' 'I s uppos e that's how it's s uppos ed to work,' I had told him . 'S o what im provem ents would you rec om m end?' 'Not m any,' he'd s aid. 'It's a good s c hool. T here's not m uc h wrong with it.' T he boy had thought for a m om ent and then added, 'T he library c ould do with m ore good-quality books in B raille and Moon.' 'Moon?' 'Moon is an eas ier alternative to B raille,' he had explained. 'It was invented by Dr W illiam Moon bac k in 1854. I'm s urpris ed you've not heard of it, you being a s c hool ins pec tor. B raille is a better s ys tem in lots of ways but Moon is pretty good for kids who c an't m anage B raille. You ought to look at it. You s ee, s om eone with a vis ual im pairm ent is likely to be behind in his or her reading and they need really good m aterial to get them turned on to books . It's awfully expens ive to c onvert a book into B raille s o lots of books aren't available.' 'I will c ertainly take that on board when I write m y report,' I had told him . 'S o tell m e, Mic hael, what is the bes t thing about S t Catherine's ?' 'T hat's eas y,' he had replied without a m om ent's hes itation. 'Mis s P inkney.' T hat s am e Mis s P inkney now entered the hall for her interview like a s eas oned ac tres s c om ing on s tage. T he door was thrown open and s he m ade a grand entranc e, dres s ed in a m ultic oloured s m oc k of a dres s , red leather s andals and a rope of enorm ous am ber-c oloured beads . 'Good m orning to you all,' s he s aid in a deep, res onant voic e. S he approac hed the c hair, her s andals m aking a s lapping s ound on the wooden floor. 'May I s it?' W ithout waiting for an ans wer, s he plonked hers elf down and s m iled widely at the panel. T he interview went very well for Mis s P inkney. S he ans wered the ques tions fully and c onfidently, and it was c lear that s he was a highly-c om m itted and enthus ias tic teac her with the experienc e, expertis e and the forc e of c harac ter to be a firs t-rate deputy headteac her. W hen Mr P ars ons c lim bed on his hobbyhors e about dec line in s tandards , poor behaviour in the young and lac k of dis c ipline, s he c hallenged him . 'My goodnes s ,' s he c hortled, 'you do s ound s o dreadfully pes s im is tic . T he pic ture is not quite as bad as you paint it, you know, and I s peak from working with c hildren for m any years . On the whole, I have to s ay that I am very im pres s ed by the youth of today. I love working with them and I have a great deal of faith in them . I know there are the awkward and the dem anding and, on oc c as ions , the repellent youngs ters who are hard to c ope with, and it is always thes e who s eem to get into the news papers , but there are m any m any c hildren who c om e from c aring, s upportive hom es and are in the hands of dedic ated and talented teac hers .' Out of the c orner of m y eye, I c ould s ee Mrs T hornton bes ide m e nodding. S he was obvious ly im pres s ed with what s he was hearing. T he c hairm an of governors grunted. 'Mr P hinn,' he s aid, 'would you like to s ay s om ething?' 'W hat do you think are the keys to educ ational s uc c es s ?' I as ked her. Mis s P inkney ans wered without a m om ent's thought. 'Great expec tation and high s elf-es teem .' S he c las ped her hands in front of her, dis playing a s et of large c oloured rings . 'S hall I go on?' 'P leas e,' I replied. 'If you feel good about yours elf, you feel good about others , don't you? A nd, you are m ore likely to feel c onfident of your own worth and abilities . I think it's s o im portant to build up a c hild's feeling of s elf-worth. I work with dys lexic and autis tic youngs ters and m any have s uc h low s elf-es teem . T hey think they're us eles s . I try and build up their s elf-c onfidenc e and c onvinc e them that they aren't on the s c rap heap and c an ac hieve great things . I firm ly believe that if a teac her expec ts the m oon, perhaps her pupils will go through the roof and dwell am ongs t the s tars . S ounds a bit fanc y that, does n't it, but I c ertainly have great expec tations of the c hildren I teac h at S t Catherine's .' 'A h yes ,' interrupted Mr P ars ons , 'S t Catherine's . T hat's a s pec ial s c hool, is n't it?' 'Y es , it is ,' s he replied. 'A nd you work with handic apped c hildren?' he as ked. 'Dis abled,' s he s aid. 'Handic apped is a word we no longer us e.' 'Y es , well, I'm not big on s o-c alled politic al c orrec tnes s ,' m um bled the Chairm an. T he s m ile dis appeared from Mis s P inkney's fac e. 'It is really not a ques tion of politic al c orrec tnes s ,' s he retorted. 'It is m ore to do with s ens itivity and res pec t. It was n't that long ago people were c alling c hildren with c erebral pals y, "s pas tic s ", and thos e with Down's S yndrom e, "m ongols ". T he appropriate term is "dis abled" and, yes , I have worked with thes e c hildren for a num ber of years .' 'A nd don't you think you m ight find it a bit different working with normal c hildren?' as ked Mr P ars ons . 'A nd what do you m ean by "normal" c hildren?' s he as ked. 'W ell, c hildren that have all their fac ilities , that aren't handi - dis abled.' 'Children with a dis ability are like any other c hildren,' s he told him . 'T hey have the s am e feelings and fears , likes and dis likes . T hey enjoy the s am e things . T hey c an be as delightful, diffic ult, happy, m oody, s ad, loving, naughty as any other c hildren. It is jus t that they have rather m ore diffic ulties in life to fac e than m any others . A nd I have to s ay that m any dis abled c hildren s how rem arkable c ourage and forbearanc e. S hall I go on?' 'No,' grunted Mr P ars ons , 'that's quite s uffic ient.' W hen Mis s P inkney had left, the Chairm an turned to the headteac her. 'Not very appropriate outfit for an interview, was it?' he obs erved. 'I'm of the opinion that teac hers s hould be dres s ed like teac hers . S he looked like a gyps y fortune-teller in that c oloured tent. A nd fanc y wearing s andals for an interview.' He s hookhis head. 'A nd I c an't s ay I liked her m anner. Over the top with her ans wers , I thought, and I didn't like the way s he was always as king m e ques tions . It's for us to as k her, not her to as k us .' I notic ed Mrs S avage produc ing a thin s ilver pen and s m all leather-bound notebook from her handbag and proc eed to m ake a note. 'S o what did you m ake of her then, Mrs T hornton?' he as ked. 'I s hould prefer to s ee all the c andidates before I expres s m y opinion, Mr P ars ons ,' s he told him . 'W hic h is norm al interview proc edure,' added Mrs S avage. 'Oh, is it?' s aid the Chairm an. T he s ec ond applic ant was a tall, pale-fac ed m an in his twenties , with an explos ion of wild, woolly hair and a perm anently s urpris ed expres s ion. It was Mr Hornc hurc h. 'Take a s eat,' s aid Mr P ars ons . I c ould s ee from his expres s ion that he was les s than im pres s ed with the outfit that this c andidate too was wearing. Mr Hornc hurc h was attired in a loud c hec ked jac ket, pale grey trous ers , pink s hirt and a m ultic oloured tie. 'It oc c urs to m e,' c ontinued the Chairm an, flic king through the applic ation form , 'that you're a bit on the young s ide for this pos ition.'

'It is true,' Mr Hornc hurc h ans wered, c ros s ing his long legs , 'that I have only been in the profes s ion for a relatively s hort tim e, but I feel quite c onfident about taking on the role of the deputy headteac her.' He went on to give a s eries of s plendid ans wers , outlining what he had developed at Tarnc liffe P rim ary S c hool, the res ults the c hildren in his c las s had ac hieved, the prizes they had won and the fac t that the headteac her had ac tively enc ouraged his applic ation. Mr P ars ons gave a c ynic al s m ile. 'S om e m ight s ay s he was keen to get rid of you.' 'S om e m ight s ay that,' replied Mr Hornc hurc h pleas antly, 'but I am led to believe that I am a valued m em ber of her teac hing s taff, whic h I hope is reflec ted in her referenc e.' W hen it c am e to m y turn, I as ked the c andidate what, in his opinion, c harac teris ed a good s c hool. He unc ros s ed his legs , leaned forward and res ted his hands on his knees . 'A good s c hool,' he s aid, 'is c heerful and optim is tic , a plac e where c hildren c an learn in a s afe and s ec ure environm ent, where they feel valued and res pec ted, where the teac hers are enthus ias tic and c om m itted, and the leaders hip is purpos eful and dynam ic . T here s hould be no bullying or rac is m , and there s hould be dec ent toilets . For m e, the good s c hool -' 'T oilets ?' exc laim ed Mr P ars ons . 'Y es , of c ours e,' replied Mr Hornc hurc h. 'If you were to as k c hildren what they think c harac teris es a good s c hool, the s tate of the toilets is always high on their lis t. Y ou s ee, if the toilets are c lean and attrac tive, everything els e in the s c hool is likely to be the s am e.' 'T hat's , of c ours e,' s aid the headteac her, glanc ing in m y direc tion, 'if they are working properly.' I determ ined that m y firs t port of c all bac k at the E duc ation Offic e would be the P rem is es and Maintenanc e S ec tion. T he third c andidate, a lean wom an with a pale pinc hed fac e and dres s ed in a blac k s uit and prim white blous e buttoned up to the nec k, looked s tartled when s he s aw m e. S he drew her lips together into a tight little line and s tared at m e with Medus a feroc ity. It was Mrs S idebottom from Ugglem atters by J unior S c hool. Mr P ars ons was c learly taken with her tidy appearanc e for his m anner c hanged. I s uppos e s he looked to him like the good old-fas hioned, I-s tand-no-nons ens e s ort of teac her that he wanted at W es tgarth. 'Do take a s eat, Mrs S idebottom ,' he s aid am iably. 'I'm s orry you have had to be the las t in, but s om ebody has to be.' 'T hat's quite all right,' s he replied, giving a thin-lipped s m ile. 'A nd m y nam e is pronounc ed S iddybothom e.' 'S o,' s aid Mr P ars ons , 'c an you tell us why you want to leave your pres ent pos ition?' S he s m iled wanly. 'I feel I need a greater c hallenge,' s he s aid. 'A s you m ay know, the J unior S c hool in whic h I teac h at pres ent is due to am algam ate with the Infant S c hool.' S he glanc ed briefly in m y direc tion. 'I really feel that it is tim e for m e to take on greater res pons ibility. I have to s ay that I believe in very high s tandards , s om e m ight s ay m y expec tation is rather too high, but in m y opinion there needs to be dis c ipline, routine, good order in the c las s room , and well-behaved c hildren, attributes whic h I feel are s adly lac king in s oc iety as a whole.' 'Indeed,' agreed Mr P ars ons . 'I'm c ons tantly s aying s o m ys elf.' 'I am , and I m ake no apology for this , a traditionalis t, s om e m ight s ay rather old-fas hioned.' 'Not a bad thing,' s aid Mr P ars ons , nodding. 'A nd were I to be appointed to the pos ition of deputy headteac her,' s he c ontinued, c heered by the s upportive c om m ents and friendly nods of the c hairm an of governors , and preparing to give us the benefit of what no doubt was a prepared s tatem ent, 'I s hould endeavour to develop in the c hildren s elf-dis c ipline, ac c eptable behaviour and good m anners as well as teac hing them the es s ential bas ic s kills of reading, writing and arithm etic . I do have m anagerial s kills and a great deal of c las s room experienc e with diffic ult c hildren. I am effic ient, punc tual and have had few abs enc es , qualities whic h are es s ential for the deputy headteac her.' 'V ery good,' s aid the Chairm an, nodding again. A fter the interview panel had eac h put a ques tion to Mrs S idebottom , I as ked her, 'A nd how im portant in a s c hool, do you think, are extra-c urric ular ac tivities ?' 'E xtra-c urric ular ac tivities ?' s he repeated. I elaborated. 'S c hool c onc erts , S aturday s ports ac tivities , trips out of s c hool, that s ort of thing?' 'T hey have their plac e, I am s ure,' s he s aid, 'but the m ain func tion of the teac her is to teac h c hildren - as I have jus t s aid - good behaviour and m anners as well as the us ual les s ons . In m y opinion, s uc h things as thos e you des c ribe dec orate the m argin of the m ore s erious bus ines s of a s c hool and, in any c as e, s hould be left largely to the parents .' 'I s ee,' I s aid. 'No m ore ques tions thank you, Mr Chairm an.' W hen the tim e c am e for the panel to c ons ider the three applic ants , Mr P ars ons s aid s traight away, 'I have to s ay that the firs t two c andidates didn't look like teac hers to m e. Neither of them was , in m y opinion, dres s ed properly for an interview. Nor was I im pres s ed by their ans wers - far too airy-fairy, for m y liking. T he las t c andidate s eem s to m e to have her feet firm ly on the ground. S he looks the part, s ounds like a teac her after m y own heart and, as far as I'm c onc erned, s he's the one we s hould appoint, and I don't think we need was te any m ore tim e -' 'Might we hear what the ins pec tor has to s ay?' as ked Mrs Curry who, apart from as king one ques tion of eac h c andidate, had s at quietly, lis tening intently. 'Y es , I s uppos e s o,' s aid Mr P ars ons . I was c areful, when giving m y as s es s m ent of the c andidates , to outline what I c ons idered to be their s trengths and weaknes s es without indic ating whic h one I favoured. I explained that I had obs erved all three applic ants ac tually teac h s o was in a pos ition to c om m ent on their c las s room prac tic e. 'T hankyou for that,' s aid Mr P ars ons . 'Now, in m y opinion -' 'A nd m ight we now hear what the headteac her has to s ay?' as ked Mrs S m ethurs t. 'A fter all, it is Mrs T hornton who will be working c los ely with the s uc c es s ful c andidate.' 'Y es , yes ,' s aid Mr P ars ons , s om ewhat flus tered. 'I was jus t about to as kher.' It was c lear to all that Mrs T hornton preferred the firs t c andidate and c ons idered the las t totally uns uitable. 'I jus t don't think,' pers is ted Mr P ars ons , when Mrs T hornton had finis hed s peaking, 'that this Mis s P inkney look s like a teac her who will fit in here.' 'May I as k, Mr Chairm an,' s aid Mrs S avage, as king a ques tion for the firs t tim e, 'if you are judging the c andidates only on their appearanc es ?' B ravo, Mrs S avage! I thought to m ys elf. 'W ell, that and what I've heard,' he replied, tes tily. 'It s eem s to m e, Mr Chairm an,' s he c ontinued, 'that Mr P hinn, having s een all the c andidates teac h and obs erved them in a s c hool environm ent, has a c learer pic ture than any of us here as to what they are really like. In addition, the headteac her has c learly intim ated her preferenc e for the firs t c andidate. I s hould als o like to draw your attention to the referenc es , whic h do indic ate that there are s trong res ervations about the las t c andidate. A ppearanc es c an be dec eptive, as I am s ure we are all aware.' 'Mrs , er...?' began Mr P ars ons . 'S avage,' s he replied. 'P ers onal A s s is tant to Dr Gore, the Chief E duc ation Offic er, and his repres entative on the A ppointm ents P anel, here to ens ure that the rubric of the "P roc edures for the A ppointm ent of S taff" is adhered to.' 'Mrs S avage,' s aid the c hairm an of governors , s peaking her nam e with deliberate em phas is , 'I don't need to rem ind you that it is the governors of this s c hool who m ake the dec is ions in appointing s taff, not ins pec tors nor educ ation offic ials .' 'No, Mr Chairm an, you do not need to rem ind m e,' replied Mrs S avage, with an edge to her voic e. 'It is I who s end the "Ins trum ents of Governanc e" to s c hools and am m ore c onvers ant with them than anyone.' 'T hat's as m ay be -' he began. 'If I m ay finis h,' s he interrupted, like a politic ian during an awkward televis ion interview. 'I s hall s ay this , Mr Chairm an, that if the governors dec ide to ignore the advic e of Mr P hinn and of the headteac her, who has expres s ed her preferenc e, and they dis regard the referenc es , whic h of c ours e they are at liberty to do, and Mrs S idebottom , were s he appointed, turns out to be uns uc c es s ful in this im portant m anagerial role, then it will be the governors ' entire res pons ibility.' 'T here's not m uc h c hanc e of that,' s aid Mrs Curry. 'My vote goes to Mis s P inkney.' 'A nd s o does m ine,' agreed Mrs S m ethurs t. 'T hank you, c olleagues ,' s aid Mrs S avage in her m os t obs equious voic e, her s m all s ilver penc il pois ed over her notebook. 'I take it, then, that I m ay rec ord that Mis s P inkney is to be offered the pos ition?'

23 'W ell, that's another of Dr Gore's little jobs about ready for the off,' I s aid, s napping the red folder s hut. It was T hurs day m orning, during the las t week of Novem ber, and I was trying to c atc h up on the paperwork that was piled high in m y in-tray. W hen two of m y c olleagues arrived, however, I pus hed the work away, dec iding to finis h the res t at hom e that evening. T here was little c hanc e of getting anything done when both S idney and David were in the offic e. 'A nd what little job is that?' as ked David, peering over the top of his s pec tac les . 'T he NA CA DS Conferenc e,' I told him . 'W ell, all I c an s ay, dear boy,' s aid S idney, leaning bac k on his c hair and puffing out his c heeks dram atic ally, 'is that you des erve a m edal for working with that dom ineering, dis agreeable, um brageous , bad-tem pered wom an.' 'Y ou have to know how to handle Mrs S avage, S idney,' I told him . 'Y ou jus t rub her up the wrong way. I've bec om e quite adept at dealing with her now. A nd, ac tually, s he's not been too bad.' 'I jus t ignore her,' s aid David. 'T hat's the bes t way.' 'T he only way I would handle that virago,' s aid S idney, 'is to plac e m y hands around that long s wan-like white nec k of hers and throttle the life out of her. S he's unbearable. S he's m ore s trident than a tree full of s c reec hing c rows . Do you know that when I arrived at Mans ton Hall firs t thing this m orning, to drop off m y exhibits for your FRA CA S c onferenc e, s he was s tanding at the entranc e, hands on hips , dripping with gewgaws -' 'Dripping with w hat?' as ked David at the s am e tim e as I m uttered 'NA CA DS ' rather c ros s ly. 'A ll that ghas tly s howy jewellery s he is wont to wear,' explained S idney. 'S he was dres s ed in a ridic ulous peas ant-s tyle blous e with great balloon s leeves and a flounc y red s kirt, looking jus t like an ageing Heidi. A nyway, s he as ks m e, "I take it you are here to put up the art dis play?" I was tem pted to reply, "No, Mrs S avage, I'm here to rip off m y c lothes and danc e naked up and down the drive s inging s elec tions from Ok lahoma!" W hat did s he think I was there for?' 'S o, what did you s ay?' as ked David. 'I m erely told her that I was there, as ins truc ted, to m ount m y exhibition for this wretc hed "knac kers " c onferenc e.' 'NA CA DS ,' I repeated, loudly and very c ros s ly. 'W ell, whatever,' s aid S idney. 'Do you know what s he s aid when I got the paintings and s c ulptures out of the c ar?' 'No, but I gues s you are going to enlighten us ,' s aid David wearily. 'S he s aid, "I hope you are aware that this is a lis ted building of great his toric al interes t, and that there m us t not be the s lightes t dam age to the fabric ." I told her that I knew m ore about arc hitec ture and lis ted buildings than s he did, and to go and irritate s om eone els e. It was as if s he owned the plac e, waltzing around with a c lipboard like s om e m anic televis ion produc er, ordering people about. "P ut that here, don't leave that there, do this , do that, go here, go there." S he even had the nerve to tell m e not to s tic kdrawing pins in the wains c oting or s taples in the doors . "Don't s tic ks ellotape on the wallpaper," s he told m e, "and nothing s harp on the polis hed wooden floor." I told her s traight. I s aid, "Mrs S avage, I have been m ounting dis plays for over thirty years . I do not need to be told how to do it. P leas e depart and let m e get on with it." Ins ufferable wom an! ' s norted S idney. 'I'd have liked to have been a fly on the wall,' c huc kled David. 'A nd when I arrived in the S outh Hall, c an you im agine what the s tupid, foolis h wom an had done?' 'No,' I s aid, 'but I have an idea you are going to tell us about that, too.' 'S he had s hrouded thos e wonderful Italian white m arble figures , the glorious s c ulptures that one of Lord Marric k's forebears no doubt filc hed when he was on his Grand T our of E urope, thos e beautiful c las s ic al figures of V enus and Leda with her s wan, s he had obs c ured them with fronds .' 'W ith what?' exc laim ed David. 'S he had draped thes e wis py ferns all over the s tatues ' m os t beautiful and intim ate features , and then plac ed potted palm s in front of them . A ll you c ould s ee were the heads peeping out through the undergrowth as if they were in a jungle. It looked quite ridic ulous . "W e c an't have delegates c om ing into a room full of naked wom en," s he told m e. "Mrs S avage," I s aid, "it m ight have es c aped your notic e but they are s tatues , inert objec ts , repres entations , works of art. T hey are not delegates at a s trippers ' c onvention. T he B ritis h Mus eum does n't c over up the s tatues of the hum an form , the P ope in Rom e does n't c over up the s tatues of the hum an form and I am not in the bus ines s of c overing up s tatues of the hum an form . T here is nothing offens ive about them . T hey are works of art. T he hum an form at its m os t beautiful. T he s hrubbery m us t be rem oved forthwith."' 'It's the wom an's profoundly irritating s ens e of s elf-im portanc e whic h m akes m y blood boil,' s aid David, 'and her patronis ing m anner. A s J ulie would s ay, "S he's all fur c oat and no knic kers ."' 'Oh, I think there was a very expens ive pair of knic kers under the Gyps y Ros e Lee outfit s he was wearing,' s aid S idney. 'How did you get on with your m athem atic s dis play?' I as ked David. 'Oh fine,' s aid David. 'Fortunately the wom an in ques tion was bus y els ewhere, giving the audio-vis ual tec hnic ian a hard tim e, s o s he was n't about when I took in m y m aterials . I s hall put up m y dis play tom orrow afternoon, whic h won't take m e long. My c ontribution is only on a s m all s c ale c om pared to S idney's . I'm going for the m ore prac tic al. I think I m entioned that I've as ked Mis s P ilkington to bring s om e of her pupils along on the S unday to do a dem ons tration. W onderfully talented c hildren s he's got, all keen and c onfident.' 'Y es , and I unders tand Connie's grandc hildren are involved,' I s aid. 'T here's another wom an I c ould throttle,' m um bled S idney. 'Y ou want to be c areful Connie does n't throttle you firs t after what you've done,' I told him . 'Oh, s he's forever m oaning and groaning about the m es s I leave,' s aid S idney c as ually. 'It's par for the c ours e with Connie.' 'It's not the m es s I'm talking about,' I told him , 'it's her prized pink overall.' 'P ink overall! ' exc laim ed S idney. 'W hatever do you m ean? E xplain yours elf, dear boy! ' S o I related the inc ident at the S DC and how Mrs K ipling had us ed Connie's pink overall as part of her c ollage. 'Oh dear,' s aid S idney, laughing. 'Y ou won't tell her, will you? If s he found out, s he'd put bleac h in m y c offee.' 'Depends what it's worth,' I s aid. 'Y ou will jus t have to get her another one, S idney,' s aid David. 'A nd where in heaven's nam e would I get s uc h a horrendous ly bilious garm ent?' 'T hat's your problem ,' s aid David. 'A nyway, as I was s aying, Mis s P ilkington has s om e very talented youngs ters and they will be dem ons trating their m athem atic al s kills .' 'A nd then,' exc laim ed S idney, s itting up on his c hair and thrus ting his c hin forward, 's he had the bras s nec k to tell m e that s he hoped the paintings and s c ulptures I would be exhibiting would not inc lude anything ris que.' 'Y et again, we're bac k to Mrs S avage,' I s ighed. 'Ris que? "Look here, Mrs S avage," I s aid,' c ontinued S idney, '"it is not your func tion to tell m e what I s hould or what I s hould not be dis playing. Y ou are the adm inis trator, not the art c ritic ."' 'W as Lord Mans ton around?' I as ked. 'W ho?' S idney as ked. 'Lord Marric k's s on and heir. He's rather m ore in c harge of the c onferenc e than Lord Marric kis is .' 'T adge?' s aid David. 'Y ou know him ?' I as ked. 'Of c ours e, I know him ,' s aid David. 'He's Captain at the Golf Club this year. Dec ent fellow is T adge but a bit of a ladies ' m an.' 'Y es ,' I s aid, 'I detec ted s om ething of that when Mrs S avage and I were over there for a planning m eeting. He c ouldn't take his eyes off her, nor s he off him . T hey flirted s ham eles s ly! ' 'W hat! Lord what's -his -nam e and Mrs S avage! ' exc laim ed S idney. 'T his T odger, or whatever he's c alled, wants his head exam ining, getting involved with her. S he's like a praying m antis . S he'll eat him up and s pit him out.' 'S he's a very attrac tive wom an,' s aid David. 'I'd be the firs t to adm it that. It's jus t a pity s he's got a pers onality bypas s . A nyway, s he'll never get her hooks into Tadge. He's too big a fis h. Many have tried, but none have s uc c eeded in landing him . He's had m ore lady friends than I've had rounds of golf. T he m erry widower is T adge and likely to s tay like that.' 'Can you im agine if s om ething did c om e of it,' groaned S idney. 'Mrs S avage with a title. S he'd be even m ore ins ufferable. A aaaahhh! ' A t this point J ulie arrived in the offic e. 'I c ould hear you right along the c orridor, Mr Clam p,' s he told him . 'He's been regaling us with the s aga of Mrs S avage and the naked s tatues at Mans ton Hall,' I told her. 'Y ou'll all be naked and whipped if you don't get over to the Centre for your m eeting. Dr Mullarkey went ages ago,' s aid J ulie. 'Great S c ot! ' exc laim ed S idney. 'I had forgotten the ins pec tors ' m eeting has been brought forward.' I think we had all forgotten, and the three of us s et off pos t-has te for the S taff Developm ent Centre for the m onthly m eeting of the ins pec tors , whic h had been brought forward to the T hurs day. T his would give us the following m orning to finalis e our various exhibitions at the NA CA DS Conferenc e, whic h was due to s tart that evening. * 'I have as ked Mrs S avage to join us this m orning,' s aid Mis s de la Mare. T he CE O's P ers onal A s s is tant s at, legs elegantly c ros s ed and looking as c hic as ever in a navy-blue s uit, pink blous e and s porting a s tring of delic ate pearls and m atc hing earrings . If s he looked at all dis c onc erted by the row of s tony-fac ed ins pec tors fac ing her, s he c ertainly did not s how it. 'T hank you for c om ing to the m eeting, Mrs S avage,' c ontinued the Chief Ins pec tor. Mrs S avage gave a s m all nod. 'I know what a very bus y tim e it is for you. I thought it would s ave a great deal of tim e - and paperwork - if we heard the lates t developm ents from the hors e's m outh, s o to s peak.' T he pointed m ention of the 'very bus y tim e', the paperwork and the referenc e to the hors e's m outh was los t on Mrs S avage, who res ted her long pink-nailed fingers on two huge red files that s at on the table before her. 'T hankyou, Mis s de la Mare,' s he s aid. 'B efore I as k Mrs S avage to give us the lates t inform ation about the CE O's c onferenc e at the weekend and the s ituation c onc erning the s c hool c los ures ,' s aid the Chief Ins pec tor, 'I s hould jus t like to take this opportunity of thanking you for the hard work you have undertaken during the pas t s ix weeks . It has been a partic ularly frenetic and dem anding tim e, and you have all ris en to the c hallenge s uperbly. You have been m ore than generous with your tim e, attending the frequent evening m eetings of governors and parents , interviewing head-teac hers , as well as your regular weekend c ours es , S aturday m orning works hops , organis ing book days and art fes tivals , m athem atic s s em inars and s c ienc e s es s ions , quite apart from your m ain func tion of ins pec ting s c hools . Y ou really have worked s o very hard, s o thank you.' S he was a c lever wom an was Mis s de la Mare. T his eulogy was c learly intended for the ears of the CE O's P ers onal A s s is tant, who, for a rare m om ent in her life, was a c aptive audienc e. Mis s de la Mare knew that Mrs S avage, a s tic kler for protoc ol and proc edure, had a s om ewhat jaundic ed view of the s c hool ins pec tors , who appeared to her to have far too m uc h power, influenc e and freedom for her liking. T his was the Chief Ins pec tor's way of letting the CE O's P A know jus t how hard the team had worked and the am ount of tim e we had devoted to extraneous ac tivities . 'It's nic e to be apprec iated,' s aid David, with jus t a hint of a s m irk. 'A nd, as a m ark of m y apprec iation,' s aid Mis s de la Mare, 'I s hould like to invite you all to a s m all Chris tm as get-together at the end of the s c hool term on the 18th, here at the Centre. J us t a glas s of s herry and a few nibbles at the end of the day, about s ix o'c loc k, I s ugges t. Nothing s pec ial. I'm only telling you now s o you c an put it in your diaries .' 'E xc ellent,' s aid S idney. 'V ery dec ent,' added David. 'Now to bus ines s ,' s aid the Chief Ins pec tor. S he turned to Mrs S avage. 'Firs t of all, Dr Gore's c onferenc e. I am exc eedingly s orry that I s hall not be able to be there m ys elf. However, as you know, I have to repres ent Dr Gore on the E uropean Interm ediary E duc ation Initiative being held in B elgium this weekend. T he E IE I -' 'Oh,' s aid S idney. 'I'm s orry, S idney, did you s ay s om ething?' as ked Mis s de la Mare. 'No, no, m erely c learing m y throat,' he replied, s m iling. 'T he E IE I,' c ontinued the Chief Ins pec tor, 'is very c los e to the CE O's heart - but then s o is this c onferenc e. Now, perhaps you m ight like to update us , Mrs S avage, on how things are progres s ing at Mans ton Hall.' 'Y es , indeed,' s aid Mrs S avage, opening the firs t c apac ious folder. 'T he NA CA DS Conferenc e, whic h will take plac e this weekend at -' A t this point the door burs t open and Connie appeared, pulling behind her a large m etal trolley on s queaky wheels . S he was attired in an elec tric -blue overall whic h c las hed alarm ingly with her florid c om plexion and c opper-c oloured hair. T here was no 'E xc us e m e' or 'I'm s orry to dis turb the m eeting' or 'Is it c onvenient to bring in the c offee?' S he jus t barged in nois ily without a by-your-leave. 'I'm bringing your elevens es in now, Mis s de la Mare,' Connie announc ed, c utting Mrs S avage off m id-s entenc e. 'It's in flas ks s o you c an have it at your own c onvenienc e. I've got Mis s K invara and the ps yc hologis ts in this m orning, and you know what a nois y lot they are. You c an hear them ps yc hologis ing from the kitc hen. A nd eat! Y ou c an s ay goodbye to at leas t two pac kets of Garibaldis when they get c rac king, and the am ount of tea they drink would s inka battles hip.' Mis s de la Mare gave a s m all, indulgent s m ile. 'T hankyou, Connie.' Connie m anoeuvred the trolley into pos ition at the s ide of the room and was about to leave the room , when S idney s tretc hed out a hand to her as s he was pas s ing. 'Y our new overall is the mos t wonderful c olour, Connie, truly - er, elec trifying.' Oh Lord, I thought, here we go. Connie halted, and looked down at hers elf. S he was obvious ly quite taken abac k by S idney's prais e. 'W ell, I don't know, I'm s ure,' s he s aid, s m oothing her hands down her front. 'I don't think blue is m y c olour. B ut what with m y pink overall gone m is s ing, I've had to us e this s ubs titution.' S he looked up at us , where we were s itting round the table. 'I know I've as ked you all before - exc ept perhaps you, Mis s de la Mare - but has any one s een m y pinkone?' 'I'm afraid I haven't s een it,' s aid the Chief Ins pec tor, obvious ly quite am us ed by the interruption, for I c ould tell s he was attem pting to s top hers elf s m iling. I s hook m y head and tried to appear the pic ture of innoc enc e. Geraldine looked genuinely innoc ent, of c ours e. Mrs S avage purs ed her lips and s aid nothing. David looked pointedly at S idney who s tared heavenwards as though exam ining s om ething of unus ual interes t on the c eiling. 'W ell, it's a m ys tery and no m is take,' s aid Connie, plac ing her hands on her hips . 'I m ean you c an't m is s it. It's bright pink.' S he pointed at Mrs S avage's expens ive s ilk blous e. 'Not dis s im ilar to that c olour.' Mrs S avage pulled an extrem ely c ros s fac e. 'I am s ure it will turn up, Connie,' s aid Mis s de la Mare. 'T hankyou for the - er, elevens es .' 'I've put a few c us tard c ream s and ginger nuts on the plate with the Garibaldis , Mis s de la Mare,' s aid Connie. 'I know you have a partic ular pendant for them .' W ith that, s he headed for the door but onc e m ore s topped and turned. 'Oh, and if Health and S afety, partic ularly toilets , is on your agenda this m orning,' s he s aid, s taring ac c us ingly at Mrs S avage, 'you m ight like to fill m e in.' 'How I would like to,' m uttered S idney, looking at his hands . W hen Connie had departed, Mrs S avage c ontinued. 'A s I was s aying, before I was s o rudely interrupted, the NA CA DS Conferenc e at Mans ton Hall at the weekend appears to be up to s peed. Dr Gore was partic ularly keen that it s hould have a Yorks hire flavour to it. W ith that in m ind he has s ec ured the c onc ert pianis t, V inc ent B arrington, him s elf a Y orks hirem an, to entertain the delegates after the Friday evening rec eption.' Geraldine, who was s o often very quiet at our m eetings , s uddenly bec am e anim ated. 'V inc ent B arrington! ' s he exc laim ed. 'Oh, that's wonderful! How c lever of Dr Gore.' 'Might we be perm itted to know m ore about this Mr B arrington?' s aid S idney, obvious ly rather piqued that he had not heard of him , s inc e he c ons idered him s elf quite a c onnois s eur of c las s ic al m us ic . 'Y es , indeed,' purred Mrs S avage. 'T his talented young m an took third prize in las t year's Leeds International P ianoforte Com petition. He was , I believe born in that c ity, and attended the univers ity there.' 'I heard him earlier this year in the B ridgewater Hall, and I would dearly love to c om e and hear him tom orrow,' s aid Geraldine. 'I'm afraid that will not be pos s ible, Dr Mullarkey,' s aid Mrs S avage, with a patronis ing s m ile on the pale pink lips . 'S eats are at a prem ium .' I winked at Gerry to let her know that s om ehow I would find her a s eat. 'On the S aturday m orning,' c ontinued Mrs S avage, pointing a long finger at an item in the file, 'the Minis ter of E duc ation and S c ienc e, the Right Honourable S ir B ryan Holyoake, QC, MP, will give the keynote lec ture, and this will be followed after the c offee-breakby a pres entation on "Ins pirational Leaders hip and E ffec tive Managem ent" by the em inent educ ational c ons ultant Mr A lan V aughan who, as it s o happens , is another Y orks hirem an.' 'Let's hope our CE O is lis tening,' m uttered S idney to David. 'He m ight pic kup a few tips .' 'I beg your pardon?' as ked Mrs S avage. 'I s aid, I look forward to lis tening,' S idney replied. 'I m ight pic k up a few tips .' 'Indeed,' s aid Mrs S avage. 'He's very good, is A lan V aughan,' s aid David. 'I've heard him s everal tim es . Good-natured c hap, feet on the ground, good s peaker.' 'S o I believe,' s aid Mrs S avage. 'A fter the buffet lunc h, there will be s em inars during the afternoon, the s peakers for whic h Dr Gore has organis ed and will pres ide over. For the form al dinner on S aturday evening, Dr Gore is delighted to have s ec ured the lawyer, author and rac onteur, Mr S tephen D. S m ith, as the afterdinner s peaker. He is , of c ours e, another Y orks hirem an.' 'If we m ight c ontinue,' s aid Mis s de la Mare quietly. 'T hen, on the S unday m orning,' s aid Mrs S avage, 'and this is where the ins pec tors c om e in, the delegates will have the opportunity during the m orning of viewing the dis plays , obs erving the c hildren's dem ons trations , joining in the s tudents ' works hops and lis tening, before lunc h, to the Y oung P eople's B ras s B and direc ted by Mr Gordon of the Mus ic S ervic e.' Mrs S avage looked up from her file, whic h s he then c los ed quietly. 'T hat all s ounds exc ellent,' obs erved the Chief Ins pec tor. 'T hank you for bringing us up to date, Mrs S avage.' 'I c annot s tres s ,' s aid Mrs S avage, 'how very im portant it is that things go s m oothly. Dr Gore is partic ularly keen that we, as he told m e this m orning, put all our hands to the wheel and pull together.' 'A lways the m as ter of the m ixed m etaphor, our CE O,' m uttered S idney. 'I'm s orry, Mr Clam p,' s aid Mrs S avage s harply. 'Did you s ay s om ething?' 'I m erely obs erved, Mrs S avage,' S idney replied, 'that I s hall endeavour to do s o.' 'T he V is c ount Mans ton,' s he c ontinued, 'who is s pearheading arrangem ents from his end and who has been liais ing c los ely with m e over the las t few weeks , has as s ured m e that everything at the Hall is up and running.' 'Good,' s aid Mis s de la Mare. 'T he delegates will be bus s ed in eac h day for the c onferenc e from their hotels , whic h are all in the proxim ity. Mr P hinn and I, who need to be on c all at all tim es , will be s taying at Mans ton Hall for the duration of the c onferenc e.' 'How very c os y,' m um bled S idney. Mrs S avage gave him one of her fam ous withering looks . 'I was m erely c om m enting that everything in the garden appears ros y, Mrs S avage,' he s aid.

'Y es , thankyou, Mrs S avage,' s aid the Chief Ins pec tor quic kly. 'T hat was a s plendid pres entation. Does anyone have any ques tions for Mrs S avage?' S he paus ed. 'No? W ell, then, I think this is a good tim e to breakand have our elevens es , and then we c an dis c us s the s c hool c los ures .' W hen I arrived hom e that evening, I found Chris tine s tanding by the kitc hen table nurs ing a s leepy baby, and s itting oppos ite her was A ndy, c lutc hing a large m ug of tea. 'Hey up, Mes ter P hinn,' he s aid, s m iling widely. 'Hello, A ndy,' I s aid as I entered. I kis s ed Chris tine and tic kled Ric hard under the c hin. 'A nd how's m y little T ric ky Dic ky been today?' I as ked. T he baby c ontinued to s uc k his thum b earnes tly. 'T eething and nappy ras h,' replied Chris tine, 'and he's c ertainly let m e know all about it. He's been tetc hy all day. T he m om ent you walk through the door, he s tarts to s ettle down, the little tinker.' 'I were tell in' Mis s is P hinn that goats ' m ilk's t'ans wer,' s aid A ndy. 'Milk from m y nanny goats works wonders on t's kin. Mis s is P os kitt s wears by it an' s he's got a s kin as s oft as a babby's bottom an' s he's gerrin on for eighty. I read it were reight good for c learing up ec zem a, ras hes , im petigo an' other s kin c om plaints . W orked wonders on B ianc a's s pots . I put this advert in t'doc tors ' s urgery s ayin' there were goats ' m ilk for s ale an' delivered to t'door an' I'm doin' quite a bit of bus ines s now.' 'Quite the entrepreneur,' I s aid, rec alling that B ianc a was the girl who rather fanc ied him . 'Y ou m us t put m e on your lis t of c us tom ers , A ndy,' s aid Chris tine. 'Nowt up wi' your s kin, Mis s is P hinn,' he replied, reddening a little. I had an idea that this young m an had a bit of a c rus h on m y wife, and his frequent vis its were les s to do with the garden and guttering than with s eeing Chris tine. 'A nyway,' s aid Chris tine, 's inc e Ric hard looks as though he m ight at las t go to s leep, I'll take him up.' I s lipped off m y jac ket, poured m ys elf s om e tea and then joined A ndy at the table. T he boy's large pink fac e looked s c rubbed and the c oars e bris tly brown hair had been s lic ked bac k, ac c entuating the enorm ous ears . He was dres s ed in a c lean white s hirt, leather jac ket and denim jeans . T he green tie that he was wearing, on whic h a variety of gam e birds were dis porting them s elves , looked inc ongruous on s uc h an outfit. 'Y ou look very s m art, A ndy,' I told him . 'Y oung Farm ers m eetin' toneet, Mes ter P hinn,' he told m e. 'I'm doin' a bit of a talklike, s o thowt I'd gerra bit dres s ed up.' 'Doing a talk,' I s aid. 'W hat about?' 'W ell, not poetry,' he s aid, laughing. '"P reparation for S heep B reedin'", an' I tell thee this , I'm reight frit.' 'Go on,' I s aid, 'there's nothing to be frightened about. From what your Unc le Harry tells m e, there's few who know m ore about s heep than you do. A nd, as you well know, your Unc le Harry is not one to throw out c om plim ents lightly.' 'A ye, 'appen I do know s um m at abaat s heep,' s aid the boy, 'but it's different tellin' folka baat it, s tandin' theer wi' all thes e eyes like c hapel 'at pegs s tarin' at thee.' 'Y ou'll be fine,' I reas s ured him . 'S o is preparing s heep for breeding a long bus ines s then?' I s hould never have as ked. T he boy jerked upright in the c hair, like a m arionette that has had its s trings pulled. 'Oh aye, Mes ter P hinn, it's a reight c arry-on. You s ee, c hoos ing yer ram is reight im portant. 'E 's got to c om e from good breeding s toc k for a s tart an' be in tip-top phys ic al c ondition afoor yer let 'im loos e on t'yows . It's no us e at all 'avin' a ram what's well 'ung an' wi' an ac tive s ex drive if 'e c an't walkto 'is food an' watter an' c an't eat or drinkwhen 'e gets theer. You 'ave to s tart well in advanc e wi' t'routine 'ealth treatm ent like foot ins pec tion an' c leanin', dippin', drenc hin' an' c lippin'. Yer ram 's got to be in prim e c ondition to s erve a yow s o you 'ave to exam ine 'im good an' proper at 'is feet and joints , lookfor s wellin's , c hec kteeth an' gum s for dam age, bac ko' m outh an' c heeks for any lum ps . T hen you 'ave to c hec k'is penis .' 'W ould you like another m ug of tea?' I as ked the boy, keen to c hange the c onvers ation. 'No, ta, Mes ter P hinn. A s I was s ayin', you 'ave to c hec k'is penis .' A ndy was now well into his s tride and was enhanc ing his des c ription with various arm and hand m ovem ents . 'T his is bes t done by gerrin yer ram in a s ittin' pos ition s o 'e's upright an' then yer c an give t'area a good goin' ovver, m ekkin' s ure it's free o' s ores an' s c ars . W hat you do is c arefully forc e out t'ram 's penis m anually. T his is done by gras pin' 'old of -' A t this point, Chris tine returned to find m e open-m outhed and los t for words . 'A nd what are you two talking about?' s he as ked. 'J us t s aying what lovely weather we're 'avin' for this tim e o' year, Mis s is P hinn,' s aid A ndy, winking at m e. 'A nd how's your Unc le Harry?' as ked Chris tine. 'He was n't too happy las t tim e we s aw him .' 'Oh, abaat t'Royal Oak, tha m eans .' A ndy s hook his head. ''E were abaat as m is erable as a love-s truc krigg, but 'e's been as 'appy as a pig in s hit lately. S orry, m is s is , I dint m ean -' 'It's all right, A ndy,' s aid Chris tine, s m iling, 'I've heard wors e.' 'A nd what's put your Unc le Harry in s uc h a good fram e of m ind?' I as ked. ''A nt thy 'eard? T hat new landlord at t'Royal Oakis up an' leavin'.' 'I didn't know that,' s aid Chris tine. 'My, m y! ' 'A ye,' s aid A ndy. 'T ha knaas Mes ter 'E zekiah Longton, who us ed to be 'ead gard'ner up at Mans ton 'A ll? Nic e enough owld fella but dunt s ay m uc h. 'E were a reg'lar in t'Royal Oak an 'e were not 'appy abaat all t'c hange, like res t o' reg'lars . 'E were given 'is m arc hin' orders wi' m i Unc le 'A rry when 'e was banned. W ell, 'e's up an' bought it.' 'B ought the Royal Oak?' I exc laim ed. 'A ye, loc k, s toc k an' barrel. T here were a big piec e abaat it in t' Fettles ham Gaz ette - "Regular buys t'village pub that barred him ". Mes ter Longton's bec om e quite a c elebrity.' 'W hat m ade him thinkof buying it?' as ked Chris tine. 'P lac e were goin' dahn t'nic k. T rade waint as good as t'new landlord were expec tin' an' 'is m is s is never s ettled. S outherners , tha s ees . A ny rooad, landlord thowt it'd be filled to burs tin' wi' folks out from town, "off-c om ed-uns ", ram blers an' c yc lis ts and s uc h, but it never 'appened. Fac t is , 'is trade dropped reight off. T hen t'plannin' people telled 'im that 'e needed perm is s ion to m ek all t'c hanges 'c os pub were a lis ted building and of gret 'is toric al hinteres t, s o 'e 'ad to put t'roof bac kas it were an' c hange t'winders an' all. 'E m us t 'ave been pig s ic k. A ny road, 'e 'ad this offer to gu in wi' a c ouple o' pals who was openin' a bar in Majorc a. T hat an' t'fac t that Mes ter Longton m ed him a fair good offer, one 'e c ouldn't refus e.' 'S ounds like the Mafia,' I s aid, laughing. 'Mes ter Longton 'ad a bit put by, like,' c ontinued the boy, 'an' 'is wife weren't s hort on a bob or two, an' left 'im a tidy s um when s he died.' 'S o Hezekiah Longton's bought the Royal Oak,' I s aid. 'W ell, well, well.' 'A n' from what 'e s ays , 'e's gunna put things bac kas they were ins ide. A ll owld tables an' c hairs , the lot, an' it'll be a traditional c ountry inn ageean, wi' nowt fanc y. 'E rec kons , from what m i Unc le 'A rry s ays , that 'e's gunna get owld Mis s is P os kitt to c ook s om e good owld Y orks hire food.' 'T ripe and onions , blac k pudding, pigs ' trotters ?' I s ugges ted. 'Nay, good owld Y orks hire hot-pot, that s ort of thing.' 'I thinkyou'll find it's Lanc as hire hot-pot, A ndy,' s aid Chris tine. 'I waint trus t a Lanc as trian as far as I c ould s pit. S teal pennies from t'eyelids of dead m en, they would. I rec kon they pinc hed t'idea of t'hotpot from a good Y orks hirewom an.' 'A nd how's young T erry getting on at s c hool?' I as ked A ndy. 'Y ou rem em ber I wanted you to keep an eye on him .' ''E 's doin' c ham pion,' s aid the boy. 'Few days after yer were in s c hool, I s aw them three bullies follow 'im into t'boys ' toilets . I knew what they were up to, s o I followed 'em in, and I 'ad a quiet word wi' 'em .' 'Had a quiet word?' I repeated. I was worried that A ndy m ight have had rather m ore than a quiet word. 'I told 'em fac e-to-fac e - well, m ore hand-to-throat, really- that it was n't very nic e to bully little kids . I explained to 'em that if they laid a finger on 'im ageean, I wunt be bes t pleas ed. T hey s oon c am e round to m y point o' view an' they 'aven't touc hed 'im s inc e. Young Terry's been 'elpin' m e on t'farm , an' I'll tell thee what, Mes ter P hinn, 'e's reight good wi' beeas ts . 'E 's gor a way wi' 'em . I don't know wor it is but, even Conrad, that Lim ous in bull in Mes ter P ric e's top field, reight big, bad-tem pered bugger 'e is an' all, well, 'e's putty in t'hands of that Terry. A ye, 'e's been a real good 'elp to m e.' A ndy paus ed, running a c areful hand over his s lic ked-bac k hair. 'I was tellin' thee abaat how I prepare joc ks for breedin', weren't I, an' 'ow yer get yer ram in a s ittin' pos ition s o 'e's upright. W ell T erry were a gret 'elp an' -' I c ut the boy s hort. 'A nd what about you, A ndy? How are you getting on at s c hool?' I as ked. 'Oh, all reight, I s uppos e.' 'Y ou know, if you really do want to go to A s kham B ryan College,' I told him , 'you do need a few qualific ations .' 'A ye, I s uppos e I do but I jus t c an't get m i 'ead round all this learnin'. I'm not a one fer books an' that. I'd s ooner be out on t'land, in t'fres h air, wi' t'wind in m i fac e an' a view over W ens ley like there's no other in t'world. I telled m i form teac her, Mes ter Fairc lough - 'e's not a bad c hap, Mes ter Fairc lough - I telled him that I was 'avin' t'day off c om e Friday to gu to t's heep auc tion at B entham . "Y er c an't jus t 'ave a day off like that, Handrew," he telled m e, "it's truantin'. Y ou 'ave to be at s c hool workin' an' not gallivantin' off to B entham ." I s aid, "Look, Mes ter Fairc lough, I'm bein' 'ones t wi' thee. I c ould 'ave telled thee I were dowly."' 'Y ou were what?' I as ked. 'Ill, tookbadly, under t'weather, tha knaas . A ny road, he s aid, "W ell, Handrew, that would be dec eitful, wouldn't it?" I s aid, 'T hat's reas on I'm tellin' yer t'truth, Mes ter Fairc lough, I s han't be in t's c hool bec aus e I'm off to t's heep auc tion. T ha s ees , I've got two prim e yows an' a gradely joc k up for s ale an' I wants to s ee 'ow they do." "W ell," s ays 'e, "I c om m end your 'ones ty but I c an't give yer perm is s ion to take the day off. Ye'd be m is s ing your s c hool workan' it would be agains t the law." I s aid, "Look'ere, Mes ter Fairc lough, if you don't let m e 'ave t'day off, up till Friday I'd be whittlin' an' werritin' abaat not bein' able to gu to B entham Market s o I wunt be c onc entratin' on m i work, now would I? Mi m ind would be on other things . T hen c om e Friday when t'auc tion were on, I'd c om e to s c hool in a reight m ardy m ood, an' m i m ind wunt be on owt but 'ow m i s heep were doing at t'auc tion. I wouldn't be c onc entratin' on s c hool workan' that's fer c ertain. T hen t'whole weekafterwards , I'd be feeling really 'ard done by abaat not bein' able to go to t'auc tion s o I wunt be c onc entratin' on m i workthen neither." I explained to 'im that if 'e were to let m e gu to t'auc tion, I'd workreally 'ard up to Friday an' c atc h up on t'work I'd m is s ed. "S o tha s ees , Mes ter Fairc lough, if tha was to let m e gu to t'auc tion, tha'll be gerrin' a lot m ore workout on m e in t'long run."' 'A nd what did Mr Fairc lough s ay?' I as ked. 'He thought a bit, an' then 'e s aid 'e'd put it down to work experienc e, an' 'e 'oped m i s heep gu fer a good pric e at t'auc tion on Friday, an' to be s ure to let' im know.' 'W ell, you had better be m aking trac ks to the Y oung Farm ers ,' I s aid. 'I hope your talkgoes well.' 'T here's a little m atter of wages , Mes ter P hinn. T hat's reas on for c om in' to s ee ya. I've s pent all m i bras s an' c um to get paid. Got to have enough to im pres s that B ianc a toneet.' 'Of c ours e,' I s aid, reac hing for m y jac ket and taking out m y wallet. 'Y ou've done a s uper job for us , A ndy, and we are both very grateful.' 'I m ean,' s aid the lad, 'I liked doin' that work for thee, Mes ter P hinn, but as m i Unc le 'A rry is allus rem indin' m e, nob'dy does owt for nowt in Y orks hire, tha knaas .'

24 On the Friday m orning, having c ollec ted s om e m aterial for the E nglis h exhibition at the NA CA DS Conferenc e, I reac hed Mans ton Hall about eleven o'c loc k. On m y way from the c ar to the s teps that led up to the front door, I pas s ed a gardener who was forking a large pile of greenery into a wheelbarrow. W hen I arrived in the S outh Hall, I dis c overed the ins pec tor for V is ual and Creative A rts in the m iddle of c om plete dis order and c onfus ion. My heart s ank when I s aw the c haos . T here s tood S idney, this great bear of a m an, s urrounded by c ardboard boxes and c rates , wooden s c ulptures , s trange three-dim ens ional s truc tures in s hiny m etal, s tone c arvings , twis ted wire s truc tures , bolts of brightly-patterned fabric s , c ollages , s quares of batik, em pty pic ture fram es , not to m ention dozens of paintings and photographs . He was s houting at and ges tic ulating to the three teac hers who had agreed to help him , while Geraldine and David s tood at the s ide, watc hing with folded arm s and bem us ed expres s ions . I walked through the c lutter to join them . 'W hen P ic as s o has quite finis hed,' David inform ed m e in his s onorous W els h ac c ent, 'Geraldine and I will try and s queeze in our m odes t efforts .' 'Is there any s ign of Mrs S avage?' I as ked. I c ould jus t im agine her reac tion to this c om plete m ayhem . 'S he m ade her bellic os e appearanc e earlier,' David s aid, c huc kling, 'and did attem pt to engage S idney in c onvers ation but to no avail.' 'A nd a battery of well-c hos en words from our bearded c olleague,' Geraldine added, 'were enough to s end her on her way.' 'W hat did he s ay?' I as ked. 'W hen s he m entioned the m es s - and it was m uc h wors e fifteen m inutes ago, I c an tell you -' David s aid, 'he retorted that he had a profound belief that c haos and c onfus ion had the effec ts of engendering s erious ly rem arkable thinking, and that c reative genius es , s uc h as him s elf, flouris hed in dis order and that the s ooner s he left him to get on with the exhibition, the s ooner the hall would be tidy. A s s he was leaving, he yelled after her, "A nd take that blithering greenery with you! "' 'W hen s he had gone,' Geraldine s aid, 'S idney told us that great c reative m inds very often enc ounter m indles s oppos ition from thos e with m edioc re ones .' I flinc hed and Geraldine, s eeing the anxious look on m y fac e, res ted a hand on m y arm . 'Don't worry, Gervas e,' s he reas s ured m e, 'everything will be fine. For a s tart, Mrs S avage did rem ove - or, rather, s ent s om e flunkey to rem ove - the potted plants and the greenery s he had draped over the Italian nudes .' Geraldine was right. B y the end of the afternoon, the exhibition looked s tunning. T he vis itors would enter the S outh Hall to be c onfronted by a m as s of brilliant c olours and s hapes , and a m os t im pres s ive range of work from the c ounty's talented youngs ters . E ven Mrs S avage, when s he finally dared to m ake an appearanc e, was im pres s ed and nodded approvingly as s he c as t a c ritic al eye over everything. I had jus t an hour's turn-round at hom e; enough tim e to s it and c hat with Chris tine, and dangle little Ric hard on m y knee. 'Mos t of the tim e, I don't m is s the world of educ ation at all,' s he s aid, 'but on oc c as ions like this , I wis h I c ould be there with you, es pec ially s taying at Mans ton Hall. Make s ure you behave yours elf, m ind! ' I laughed, gave both her and the baby a kis s and went ups tairs to pac k. T he Mans ton es tate looked m agnific ent that evening as I drove through the ornate iron gates , pas t the s m all lodge and up the long avenue to the great red-bric k hous e, whic h s tood s quare and s olid before m e, floodlit from the far s ide of the gravel s weep in front of the Hall. T here was a c lear s ky above m e and fros t was already form ing on the gras s . It was now s ix o'c loc k and the delegates were due to arrive in an hour's tim e for the rec eption. I wanted to m ake a final c hec k that everything was in plac e and ready. A gigantic Chris tm as tree dom inated the im pres s ive entranc e hall. It was rather early for a tree - Chris tm as s till being s everal weeks away - but when Tadge had offered one from the es tate, we had ac c epted grac ious ly. However, this was no ordinary Chris tm as tree - it was white! E arlier in the afternoon, I had c om e through the hall and s een Mrs S avage organis e the tree's dec oration, direc ting operations from both the grand s tairc as e and the gallery above. No flic kering fairy lights or c oloured baubles for her: the tree was s im ply but m os t beautifully dec orated with s m all fuc hs ia-c oloured s ilk bows . A gains t the s him m ering white of the painted branc hes , the effec t was m os t dram atic . E ven S idney had approved. My eyes now, however, were not drawn to the tree, but to Mrs S avage hers elf. W earing a long burgundy-c oloured and daringly low-c ut dres s , whic h c lung to her as if s he had been poured into it, and with a pale s ilks hawl draped around her s houlders , s he s tood beneath the portrait of the c rus ty old general, looking for all the world as if s he were the c hatelaine of Mans ton Hall. 'Good evening, Mrs S avage,' I s aid as I approac hed her. 'Y ou are looking quite s plendid, if I m ay s ay s o.' 'Good evening, Mr P hinn,' s he replied. 'A nd, s inc e this is a s pec ial oc c as ion, yes , you m ay.' A t that m om ent, T adge arrived in the hall. He s tood a little way off, gave a low whis tle and s aid, 'My goodnes s m e! How very flipperc anorious you are this evening, m y dear B renda.' I s ens ed Mrs S avage s tiffen bes ide m e. 'Flipperwhaty, Lord Mans ton?' s he enquired in her m os t s tarc hy voic e. 'Flipperc anorious , Mrs S avage. Is n't it a s im ply s plendid word? I dis c overed it the other day.' 'W ell, it m ight be s plendid if I knew what it m eant,' s he replied. 'E legant, m y dear, wonderfully elegant, is what it m eans . A nd I think it c alls for a toas t to the evening.' W ith that, he turned on his heel and walked bac k ac ros s the hall. I watc hed him go and realis ed that I was c learly underdres s ed for the oc c as ion in m y s im ple grey s uit, white s hirt and c ollege tie. T he heir to Mans ton Hall was no longer in his us ual garb of old tweed jac ket and c orduroy trous ers , but was now s porting a burgundy-c oloured s m oking jac ket - had he and Mrs S avage c ons ulted eac h other about their c olours for the evening, s inc e they m atc hed perfec tly - and a pair of c los e-fitting, red-and-green tartan trews . I im m ediately thought of Raym ond, the produc er, and his c om m ent that I didn't have the buttoc ks for trews . T adge c ertainly had. T adge returned with a bottle of c ham pagne and three glas s es , but I politely refus ed the offer. 'A bit early for m e,' I s aid. 'W e are m erely m aking c ertain that the Moet is at the right tem perature,' T adge s aid, pouring generous glas s es for Mrs S avage and him s elf. 'In m y opinion,' s aid Mrs S avage, holding the long-s tem m ed c ham pagne flute delic ately between finger and thum b, 'there is nothing wors e than warm c ham pagne.' S he s aw m e s m iling. 'I do want everything to be jus t right,' s he added tes tily. 'Of c ours e,' I s aid. 'T hat is what I c am e to c hec k with you. Have there been any problem s ?' 'Only that the c aterers arrived with the s avoury nibbles but forgot the s alm on vol-au-vents for the buffet,' s he told m e. 'I told them to go and get them bac k here A S A P . T hen I was les s than happy with the floral c entrepiec es for the s erving tables s o they had to be done again. Y ou jus t c an't rely on people thes e days . A part from that, everything els e s eem s to be in plac e.' 'Y ou're a perfec tionis t, B renda,' T adge c om m ented. 'A true perfec tionis t.' Mrs S avage ac c epted the c om plim ent with a s light nod of the head. 'W hat an am azing Chris tm as tree! ' I s aid. 'I've never s een one painted white before.' 'A h, then you've not s een our es c utc heon,' Tadge s aid. 'T he white tree has been on our c oat of arm s s inc e the fifteenth c entury when S ir Launc es ton W hiteleaf-Cunningham e was ennobled. B ac k in the las t c entury, when fir trees bec am e all the fas hion, the old Dowager Countes s E lvira dec ided to have the Chris tm as tree painted white and we've kept up the tradition.' 'In years henc e,' rem arked Mrs S avage, 'they m ight bec om e all the fas hion.' 'I very m uc h doubt it,' I m urm ured. 'One year, we c ouldn't be bothered to paint the tree,' s aid Tadge, 'whic h obvious ly dis pleas ed the long-s inc e dead Lady E lvira bec aus e s he was s een by one of our gues ts in the dead of night wandering along the top c orridor. W ell, I m us t pres s on, s o if you both will exc us e m e. I need to m ake s ure Luc retia and Caes are are penned before the gues ts arrive. T hey get a bit fris ky with a lot of people around. W ouldn't want any ac c idents .' 'Luc retia and Caes are?' s aid Mrs S avage. 'T he dogs ,' he told her. 'I'll s ee you both later.' He topped up Mrs S avage's glas s , and then s trode off, whis tling loudly. 'I c an't s ay that I am at all keen s taying here with a ghos t wandering the hous e,' s aid Mrs S avage. I c ould have s aid s he need not worry s inc e s he c ould put the wind up a bans hee, but I s aid nothing. 'A re you c ontent with the dec is ion over the heads hip of the new c om bined Ugglem atters by S c hool?' s he as ked, taking a s ip from her glas s . 'Y es ,' I replied. 'Mrs B raddoc k-S m ith needs taking down a peg or two, I think, but the governors will s ee to that. However, to have a fam iliar pers on in plac e is s o m uc h better than having to go through all thos e interviews .' A t that m om ent, a young m an with c urly hair and wearing a long blac k overc oat walked through the door, and hovered indec is ively. 'Good evening,' he c alled ac ros s the hall. 'Round the bac k, pleas e,' Mrs S avage ins truc ted, pointing over the m an's s houlder to the front door. 'I beg your pardon?' he as ked, looking thoroughly m ys tified. 'W ould you take the vol-au-vents round the bac k,' s he told him . 'T his is not the c aterers ' entranc e.' 'Oh, I'm not here with the vol-au-vents ,' he replied, taking off his c oat and revealing a s hirt that s ported an outrageous ly m ultic oloured parrot on the front. 'A c tually I c ould do with one or two vol-au-vents . I'm fam is hed. No,' he s aid, running a hand through his hair, 'I'm here to work. I'm V inc ent B arrington.' 'V inc ent B arrington, the pianis t?' exc laim ed Mrs S avage. 'T he s am e,' replied the young m an. 'Oh, m aes tro,' s he c ooed, im m ediately c hanging her tone of voic e, s m iling widely to dis play a s et of rather too white teeth and gliding towards him , extending a long red-nailed hand. 'I'm s o terribly s orry. I foolis hly as s um ed you would be wearing rather different attire.' 'Oh, I don't travel in evening dres s ,' V inc ent B arrington told her am iably, 's inc e it tends to get c reas ed. It's in the c ar.' 'W ell, it is s uc h a great pleas ure to m ake your ac quaintanc e,' s aid Mrs S avage. 'I have heard s o m any wonderful things about you.' 'I'm s orry,' s aid the young m an, 'but I don't know who you are.' 'How rem is s of m e.' Mrs S avage tinkled a little laugh. 'I'm B renda S avage, who, for m y s ins , is the organis er of the c onferenc e. I'm Dr Gore's P ers onal A s s is tant.' 'A h, yes . It was Dr Gore who invited m e to play. I was at univers ity with his niec e.' 'Hello, I'm Gervas e P hinn,' I s aid, offering m y hand. 'I am helping Mrs S avage with the c onferenc e.' 'I knew a c ellis t onc e c alled Gervas e,' s aid the young m an. 'A very nic e m an.' 'I expec t you would like to fres hen up,' s im pered Mrs S avage. 'B ut firs t, let m e s how you where you will be giving your rec ital, and then I will s how you where you c an c hange.' I s tayed in the hall while Mrs S avage took V inc ent B arrington to the North Hall and a few m inutes later Dr Gore arrived, ac c om panied by Counc illor P eters on. 'W ell, Gervas e,' s aid the CE O, rubbing his long hands together and taking in the s urroundings . 'T his looks s plendid, quite s plendid! ' 'A nd no doubt c os ting a pretty penny, as well,' grum bled the c ounc illor, s niffing. 'Not at all, c ounc illor,' replied Dr Gore good-hum ouredly. 'Lord Marric k has very kindly allowed us to us e Mans ton Hall without c harge, and all other expens es are paid for by NA CA DS . It would be ins ens itive, to s ay the leas t, for the c ounty to s pend m oney on a c onferenc e when we are c los ing s c hools to c ut c os ts .' 'J us t as well,' m um bled the overweight c ounc illor. Dr Gore turned bac k to m e. 'Is Lord Marric k about? I'd like to have a word with him before the gues ts arrive?' 'I'm afraid he's been delayed in Italy, Dr Gore. He rang Lord Mans ton earlier this evening to s ay that a baggage-handlers ' s trike has m eant his plane from Rom e has been delayed. He is expec ting to arrive s om e tim e after m idnight, and will be with us in the m orning.' 'Oh dear, what a s ham e. He will m is s young V inc ent B arrington who -' 'A nd while we are on the s ubjec t of c los ing s c hools ,' interrupted Counc illor P eters on, 'in m y opinion, I -' I quic kly m ade m y es c ape. T he very las t thing I wanted to hear was George P eters on's undoubtedly bias ed opinion about s c hool c los ures . I found Mrs S avage with V inc ent B arrington and T adge by the grand piano in the North Hall. I thought s he was looking rather flus hed. No doubt a s urfeit of the c ham pagne s he had been tes ting was having its effec t. 'I do s o love pianoforte m us ic ,' s he gus hed at the pianis t, 'partic ularly the works of B rahm s and Lis zt.' Rather appropriate c om pos ers , I thought to m ys elf, c ons idering the s tate s he was getting into. 'A nd do you have a favourite piec e, Mrs S avage?' V inc ent B arrington enquired. 'Liebes traum,' s he s ighed. 'I do s o love that m elody. It was m y dear late hus band's favourite.' I c ouldn't believe what happened next. I s aw Mrs S avage's eyes m is t over and s he began to s niff inelegantly. A tear dribbled down her c heek. P erhaps , I thought, there was a s ens itive s oul after all beneath that ic y exterior, that hard c arapac e. B ut, of c ours e, it c ould have been the drink. 'A h, the "Dream of Love",' s aid the young m an. 'I s hall play it tonight, es pec ially for you.' 'Really?' s im pered Mrs S avage. 'W ould you?' 'A nd what about you, Lord Mans ton?' he as ked. 'Have you a piec e you would like m e to play?' 'I like the works of S c hum ann,' he s aid. 'He was m y dear late wife's favourite. I would love to hear one of the "W oodland S c enes ".' 'A h yes ,' s aid the c onc ert pianis t, 'the great S c hum ann, who dedic ated s o m uc h of his work to his beloved Clara. I s ee I have two rom antic s here. "Y ou are m y heart and m y s oul," he wrote. "Y ou are the world in whic h I live. Y ou are the heaven to whic h I s oar. Y ou are m y grave into whic h I will forever pour m y grief."' 'How very beautiful,' s ighed Mrs S avage, dabbing her nos e with a lac e handkerc hief. W ith glis tening eyes , s he looked in T adge's direc tion and s m iled. T his was getting m audlin to s ay the leas t, s o I left them to it. T he evening, thank heavens , s eem ed to be a great s uc c es s . A fter the rec eption and buffet, the gues ts s ettled down to lis ten to young V inc ent B arrington. E ven I, who didn't know m uc h about c las s ic al m us ic , rec ognis ed real quality. His playing of B eethoven's Hammerk lav ier was s uperb, and Geraldine, whom I had s m uggled in at the bac k and was next to m e, s at eyes c los ed and totally enraptured, drinking in the wonderful m us ic . A t the end of the rec ital, the whole audienc e ros e to its feet and gave the pianis t a s tanding ovation. E veryone, that is exc ept Counc illor P eters on, who had s lept through m os t of the evening. 'A nd for an enc ore,' announc ed V inc ent B arrington, 'I s hould like to play a beautiful piec e es pec ially reques ted by m y elegant hos tes s . Liebes trau m - the "Dream of Love" by Franz Lis zt.' He s m iled at Mrs S avage who, true to form , was not going to be relegated to the rear of the hall, out of the lim elight, and had added a c hair to the end of the front row. 'A nd for Lord Mans ton, a piec e by S c hum ann: Freundlic he Lands c haft - "Friendly Lands c ape".' 'If you're doing reques ts ,' c am e a boom ing voic e, 'what about "On Ilkla Mooar baht 'at"?' It was Counc illor P eters on who had been rous ed from his s lum bers by the applaus e. I winc ed, im agining the expres s ions on the fac es of Dr Gore and the pianis t. 'Of c ours e,' s aid V inc ent B arrington, without a trac e of annoyanc e. 'It will be m y pleas ure.' T he gues ts c lapped enthus ias tic ally after the Lis zt and S c hum ann piec es , but they s prang to their feet following a bravura rendering of the good old Y orks hire m elody, played in the s tyle of B eethoven, Chopin, Mozart and Rac hm aninov. T he pianis t was indeed a m aes tro. Onc e the delegates had departed for their hotels , the c onc ert pianis t had left in his taxi and I had s een Dr Gore's c ar dis appear down the drive, I trudged up the great s tairc as e, m ore than ready for m y bed. I had no idea where Mrs S avage was - I had expec ted her to be there, s aying goodbye to the delegates with m e. I had been a m as s of nervous energy all evening and all I wanted now was to c lim b into bed and get a good night's s leep. I had jus t c hanged into m y pyjam as when there was a light tap on m y door. 'Y es ?' 'May I have a word?' It was Mrs S avage's voic e. 'I'm jus t about to go to bed,' I c alled, s tanding rigid in the m iddle of the floor. 'T his is im portant,' s he ins is ted. 'W ait a m om ent, pleas e.' I was taking no c hanc es with an inebriated and c onc upis c ent Mrs S avage at eleven o'c loc k at night. S he had a reputation as a m an-eater but s he was c ertainly not going to get her teeth into m e. S he had tried it onc e, jus t after I had s tarted as a s c hool ins pec tor, fluttering her eyelids and telling m e how we 'c lic ked'; s he had terrified the life out of m e. I grabbed at m y dres s ing gown, thankful that Chris tine had m ade m e put one in. 'Y ou never know when you m ight need it,' s he had s aid. 'E m ergenc ies - like a fire in the m iddle of the night.' I opened m y bedroom door c autious ly. Mrs S avage s tood in the c orridor in an expens ive-looking s m oky-grey dres s ing gown, probably s ilk. 'Y es ?' I as ked, keeping a foot firm ly plac ed behind the door. 'W hat is it?' 'T his m ay s ound a rather bizarre ques tion to as k,' s he s aid in a hus hed voic e, 'but do you have a fac ility in your bedroom ?' 'A fac ility?' I as ked, utterly m ys tified. 'A toilet?' 'T oilet?' 'Y es , a toilet, a lavatory.' 'Y es , I do,' I replied. 'I have a c onnec ting bathroom .' 'I've got a bathroom , too, but it appears I have no - er, fac ility.' 'Y ou m us t have.' 'W ell, I haven't.' 'Have you looked?' 'Of c ours e I've looked,' s he s aid in an exas perated voic e. 'I've been looking for the las t ten m inutes .' 'Is there no one around that you c an as k? A m em ber of the hous ehold,' I s ugges ted. 'T here's no one about,' s he s aid in a weary tone. 'E veryone m us t be in bed, and I c an hardly go knoc king on s trange doors .' J us t m ine, I thought. 'S o what now? Do you wis h to us e m ine, is that it?' 'Certainly not! ' s he exc laim ed. 'I would like you to c om e with m e and s ee if you c an loc ate it. I m ean, there m us t be a toilet s om ewhere. I've got a bath and a bas in, but no toilet.' 'Couldn't you us e the one downs tairs ?' I as ked. 'T here's a c loakroom near the North Hall.' 'No, I c ouldn't,' s he replied. 'I do not intend to wander around in the dark. T hos e dogs m ight be loos e.' 'A nd, of c ours e, there's the m ys terious Lady E lvira,' I s aid, wic kedly. T hat was n't a s ens ible thing to s ay s inc e Mrs S avage gave a little s hriek, and c lutc hed at m y arm . 'P leas e, pleas e, will you c om e and s ee if you c an find it?' s he as ked. I followed her c harily down the dim ly-lit c orridor, watc hed by the s tern-featured figures in the gold fram es that c overed the walls . T hey s eem ed to have warning expres s ions on their fac es . I jus t hoped this was n't s om e s ort of rus e for Mrs S avage to get m e into her room and have her wic ked way with m e. Mrs S avage led m e through her bedroom - and I quic kly averted m y eyes from the c hair where her underwear was neatly laid out - into a s pac ious m arble-floored bathroom . A s s he had s aid, there was a bath - a vas t old-fas hioned affair on c law feet - and a was h bas in. T he room was s o big - bigger than our gues t room at P eewit Cottage - that there was s pac e for a c irc ular alabas ter table in the c entre on whic h were c opies of various journals , Hors e & Hound, Country Life and The Dales man. T here was als o a c hais e longue, an elegant highly dec orative eighteenth-c entury c hiffonier and two heavy, ornate Chippendale-s tyle c hairs - but there was no s ign of a lavatory. 'P erhaps aris toc rats don't go to the toilet,' I s ugges ted flippantly.

'Mr P hinn! ' s aid Mrs S avage s ternly. 'T his is neither the tim e nor the plac e to be frivolous . I am in des perate need of a toilet.' I exam ined one of the c hairs . 'P erhaps this is a c om m ode,' I s aid, poking and prodding at it. 'A c om m ode?' Mrs S avage c urled a lip in dis tas te. 'A c hair whic h c onc eals a c ham ber pot,' I inform ed her. 'I do know what a c om m ode is ,' s he told m e, 'and I have already looked there. In any c as e, I do not intend to avail m ys elf of a c ham ber pot. I want a proper toilet. Oh dear, I s uppos e I s hall have to us e your fac ility after all.' 'P erhaps it's in here,' I s aid, exam ining the c hiffonier. 'In a c upboard?' s he s aid. I pulled at the door and the whole front of the c abinet opened to reveal the lavatory - a polis hed wooden s eat beneath whic h was a large glazed blue and white earthenware bowl. 'W ell, will you jus t look at that! ' I s aid. 'How fas c inating.' I exam ined the bowl, whic h depic ted three large, c rudely painted Chines e figures bes ide a ric kety bridge. 'Good heavens ! W e have a plate jus t like that at hom e. It's Delft. T his is probably very old and valuable.' 'Mr P hinn,' s aid Mrs S avage, c ros s ly, 'it c ould be Royal Doulton, Claric e Cliff or part of the Ming Dynas ty for all I c are, but I have a pres s ing need to go to the toilet and I do not intend to us e that. I require one of the flus hing variety.' 'Hold on, what's this ?' I s aid, and pulled a s m all gilt fleur-delis on the bac k of the c hiffonier. T he bowl des c ended, hot s c ented water gus hed out from the s ide and s wirled around the bowl. T hen, having been thoroughly s c oured, it returned to its original pos ition, s potles s . 'Good grac ious ! ' exc laim ed Mrs S avage. 'How rem arkable.' 'How the other half live,' I c om m ented. 'I will leave you to your ablutions , Mrs S avage.' A s I reac hed the door leading into the c orridor, s he c alled after m e. 'I do hope I c an rely on your abs olute dis c retion in this little m atter, Mr P hinn? I am s ure that neither of us wis hes this evening's adventure to bec om e tittle-tattle around the c orridors of County Hall.' 'Of c ours e, Mrs S avage,' I s aid, s m iling. 'I s hall be the very s oul of dis c retion. May I bid you a good night?' T he Rt Hon S ir B ryan Holyoake arrived the following m orning in a s hiny blac k lim ous ine at prec is ely nine o'c loc k. Dr Gore, Lord Marric k and Tadge Mans ton were in the grand entranc e hall to greet him . Mrs S avage and I s tood a little dis tanc e away. T he delegates were all as s em bled in the North Hall, ready to lis ten to the CE O's lec ture. T he Minis ter of S tate for E duc ation and S c ienc e was a lean, angular individual with a prom inent Rom an nos e and well-c ut s ilver hair. S ir B ryan was a m an of few words and forc eful opinions . He did not like any fus s , drank only m ineral water, ins is ted on s eeing the itinerary in the m inutes t detail before any vis it, and was punc tilious about keeping to s c hedule. I had only been in m y job for a few m onths when he had vis ited the S taff Developm ent Centre and, as we had toured the building, he had been em barras s ingly unc om m unic ative. Des pite m y bes t efforts to engage him in c onvers ation, the m an had rem ained res olutely uns m iling and tight-lipped. It was c lear he was taking in everything he s aw and heard, but he expres s ed no view nor m ade any c om m ent. He m erely nodded and grunted when s poken to. 'S ir B ryan,' c hortled Dr Gore now, as the m inis ter walked through the door with his two c olleagues . 'S uc h a pleas ure to s ee you again. I trus t you have had a pleas ant journey?' 'P as s able,' he replied. 'A nd how are things at the s eat of governm ent?' as ked the CE O. T he m inis ter s tared at him , rais ed a s ilver eyebrow but m ade no reply. 'S o m uc h legis lation,' Dr Gore rattled on. 'S o m uc h to do and educ ation always s eem s to be at the top of the agenda, does n't it? E duc ation, educ ation, educ ation.' T he m inis ter nodded. 'Indeed.' 'W ell, let m e introduc e you to the E arl of Marric k in whos e m agnific ent hom e the c onferenc e is taking plac e.' 'Morning, S ir B ryan,' growled the peer, who was looking s om ewhat worn out after the trials of his journey bac k from Italy. 'Good m orning, Lord Marric k,' replied the m inis ter. 'Do you know Y orks hire at all?' he was as ked. 'A little,' he replied. 'Y ou m us t s pend m ore tim e here,' s aid Lord Marric k. 'God's own c ounty.' 'A n interes ting fam ily m otto you have above your door, Lord Marric k,' s aid the Minis ter of S tate. 'Lanc as triens es manu dei oc c idantur,' s aid the peer. 'B een the fam ily m otto for generations : "Let the hand of God s m ite the Lanc as trians ". T ypic ally Y orks hire, of c ours e - blunt and to the point.' 'I s hould perhaps tell you, Lord Marric k, that I was born in the Red Ros e County,' s aid the Minis ter of S tate. 'W ell, you c an't help that,' s aid Lord Marric k. 'B es t thing that ever c am e out of Lanc as hire is the road to Y orks hire.' 'I fear, m y lord,' s aid S ir B ryan with a thin s m ile, 'that we will be fighting the W ars of the Ros es all over again if we c ontinue this c onvers ation.' 'P erhaps we s hould m ove on,' s ugges ted Dr Gore, c learly worried that hos tilities m ight breakout at any m inute. 'I apprec iate that you are on a very tight s c hedule. May I introduc e Lord Marric k's s on, S ir B ryan - Lord Mans ton.' 'Good m orning,' s aid the m inis ter. He then c aught s ight of Mrs S avage s tanding a little behind T adge, and extended a long white hand. 'A nd you m us t be Lady Mans ton. Good m orning.' 'Oh no, S ir B ryan,' s im pered Mrs S avage. 'I'm not Lady Mans ton. I'm a m ere m inion.' I c ould think of m any words to des c ribe Mrs S avage but 'm inion' was not one of them . S he was the leas t obs equious pers on I knew. 'T his is m y P ers onal A s s is tant,' explained Dr Gore, 'Mrs B renda S avage, who has organis ed the c onferenc e and next to her is -' 'A h, yes , Mr P hinn,' s aid S ir B ryan. He turned to the CE O. 'W e m et when I las t vis ited the c ounty.' 'Y es , yes , of c ours e you did,' s aid the CE O. 'Y ou m ay rec all, Mr P hinn,' s aid S ir B ryan, 'that you took m e around the T eac hers ' Centre where that rem arkable janitor - Connie, was n't it? - kept everything s o s pic k and s pan.' 'T hat's right. W hat a m em ory you have! ' I s aid. 'S he will be very pleas ed to hear that you rem em bered her, S ir B ryan.' T he m inis ter thought for a m om ent and then bec am e unc harac teris tic ally eager to im part his pet philos ophy. 'I m ake a point of never forgetting a nam e nor a fac e, Mr P hinn,' he told m e. 'In life, one m eets m any people, partic ularly if, as I, one is in the politic al arena. A ll people are s ignific ant in their own way, and all des erve our attention. W hether one is a peer of the realm or a gardener, a c hief educ ation offic er or a c leaner, a m inis ter of the Crown or a c hauffeur, all play their part and have im portant jobs to do.' 'Indeed,' s aid Dr Gore. 'Now, if I m ay lead the way...' Later that afternoon, when the delegates broke into dis c us s ion groups , I rus hed hom e to get m y dinner jac ket. I c ertainly did not wis h to be underdres s ed at the form al dinner that evening. A s I drove through Hawks rill, I s m iled as I pas s ed the pub. T he brightly painted board with the outline of an oak tree and the lettering T HE OA K had been replac ed with the original s ign featuring the oaktree in full leaf, with the s m iling figure of the res tored Merry Monarc h s tanding beneath it. I c ould im agine the c ontents of the interior: the round tubular s teel s tools , m atc hing tables and m inim alis t prints would have been c ons igned to the s kip or given to a c harity s hop, and the tres tle tables , hard wooden c hairs , old photographs , hunting horns and hors e bras s es would have been reins tated. 'I s ee the pub is bac k as it was ,' I s aid to Chris tine, as I rootled in a drawer for the s tuds of m y dres s s hirt. 'T hat'll pleas e the "gang of four".' 'Y es ,' s he s aid. 'I s aw Harry earlier today when I took Ric hard out in the buggy for a walk. He was looking alm os t ec s tatic ally pleas ed.' 'T hat m akes a c hange from his grum blings . Oh c om e on, where are thes e wretc hed s tuds ?' 'A re thes e what you're looking for?' Chris tine as ked, holding up a c upped hand. 'W hat would I do without you?' I s aid, pec king her c heek. 'A nd now I m us t get bac k to Mans ton Hall. T he evening awaits m e.' T he after-dinner s peaker, a round, jolly m an, was a great s uc c es s and he entertained the delegates for a good forty m inutes with anec dotes about the world of law c ourts , polic e c ells and s olic itors ' offic es . E ven Mrs S avage m anaged a s m ile or two. On S unday m orning, everything went to plan. My fellow ins pec tors joined m e in the S outh Hall, and the delegates s eem ed genuinely interes ted in the various exhibitions that we had m ounted. A fter c offee, the delegates returned for a final tim e to the North Hall. Here they lis tened to a s hort but very im pres s ive perform anc e by the bras s band. Finally, wearing his c hain of offic e, Dr Gore gave a rather tedious pres idential addres s , whic h generated polite applaus e, and by noon the delegates had all departed for their hotels . Mrs S avage and I wandered through the now s trangely s ilent building. 'It went well,' I s aid. 'Y es , it did,' s he replied. 'A nd now we are left to organis e all the c learing up.' 'W here's Dr Gore?' I as ked. 'A good ques tion,' s he replied. 'I believe he's gone off with Lord Mans ton for lunc h at his golf c lub.' I c ould tell by the tone of her voic e that s he was dis tinc tly peeved. 'It c ertainly wouldn't have hurt him to invite us . A fter all, we did all the work.' 'A h well, Mrs S avage,' I s aid with a s m ile, 'that is the fate of the m ere underlings of the powerful. W e are the foot s oldiers and not the generals , the workers and not the m as ter builders , the m inions and not the powers -that-be, but we too play our s m all part in the s c hem e of things .' S he looked at m e for a m om ent. 'Nons ens e! ' s he s aid. T hen with long dec is ive s teps , her high heels c lic king on the polis hed m arble floor, s he walked towards the S outh Hall. A nd as s he pas s ed the portrait of the c rus ty old anc es tor hanging on the wall, s he tos s ed her head at him .

25 I was the las t ins pec tor to arrive at the S DC for Mis s de la Mare's Chris tm as get-together. E veryone had gathered in the lounge area, whic h had been dec orated with s ilver s tream ers and c oloured balloons , s prigs of m is tletoe and holly. A large, s lightly s traggly Chris tm as tree, over-dec orated with bright baubles and fairy lights , s tood in one c orner where I s aw David and Mis s de la Mare deep in c onvers ation. I approac hed S idney, who was dres s ed in a blac k velvet jac ket and os tentatious pink bow tie. He was explaining to Geraldine the finer points of m odern art, waving a news paper in front of her as if s watting flies . J ulie was s tanding next them , with a weary expres s ion on her fac e. S he grim ac ed, rolled her eyes and tilted her head in S idney's direc tion as I approac hed, whic h told m e he was in the m iddle of one of his loud, pas s ionate and not-to-be interrupted m onologues . J ulie was dres s ed in an inc redibly tight-fitting, c rim s on polo nec k, a thin blac k s trip of a s kirt and her red s tilettos . S he wore s ilver earrings the s ize of onion rings . 'It is all a m atter of s ym m etry and balanc e, m y dear Geraldine,' S idney was telling her, 'and the dexterous juxtapos ition of prim ary c olours and s hapes whic h give that s tunning, s ym bolic effec t. I would not expec t that a s c ientis t would, for one m inute -' He c aught s ight of m e, s topped m id-s entenc e and m ade a deep flouris h. 'Hail the c onquering hero c om eth, s ound the trum pets , beat the drum s .' 'A nd what is that s uppos ed to m ean?' I as ked. 'Our es teem ed leader, Dr Gore, was s inging your prais es to high heavens when he s poke to Della rec ently - s o I have been reliably inform ed by J ulie here.' 'Really?' 'Y es ,' s aid J ulie. 'He phoned her up s aying how well things had gone and what a good job you did at his c onferenc e. Marlene on the s witc hboard jus t happened to hear the c onvers ation when s he put Dr Gore through to Mis s de la Mare the other day.' 'E vidently that 'knac kers ' c onferenc e of his was a huge s uc c es s ,' added S idney. 'From what I heard, S ir B ryan s ingled out the art dis play for s pec ial m ention,' s aid Geraldine, 's o you too c an feel a little bit s m ug, S idney.' 'It is a m irac le I was even able to s tart to s et up the wretc hed exhibition,' s aid S idney, 'with Mrs 'I'm in c harge and do as you are told' S avage doing her utm os t to jeopardis e it with her s hrubbery and fronds - the patronis ing, tyrannic al bes om .' 'S idney! ' s aid Geraldine. 'It's the s eas on of goodwill. S how a little m ore Chris tm as s pirit.' 'B ut to give her her due,' I told him , 's he did have all the s hrubbery rem oved.' S idney waved around the news paper theatric ally, dis m is s ing Geraldine's gentle reprim and. 'B e that as it m ay, I have to agree that it was an unus ually im pres s ive dis play but the teac hers are the ones who did all the work. I m erely des igned it. I believe the part our young Loc hinvar here played is m ore des erving of the plaudits . I am s ure after this las t s tartling s uc c es s , our m alleable c olleague will have quite a few m ore of the CE O's 'little jobs ' to take on.' 'No fear,' I s pluttered. 'S idney's in a partic ularly good m ood,' Geraldine told m e, 'bec aus e his exhibition in Y ork has c aus ed s om ething of a s tir. Lis ten to what it s ays in the review in the P os t.' S he took the news paper from S idney and read. '"S idney Clam p's s um ptuous , dec adent oil on c anvas paintings are a welc om e breath of fres h air. His vibrant lands c apes both s hoc k and delight the eye. T hey are fas t and furious , bold and s trongly wrought energetic c ontortions in bright c rim s ons , s affron, vivid greens and blues . His im ages of the frenetic nudes danc ing through a rural lands c ape are s tunning and his neurotic expres s ionis t portraiture is both grotes que and glorious ."' 'W ow! ' I s aid. 'I'm planning to go to the exhibition as s oon as term ends . W ell done, S idney.' 'A trifle wordy, perhaps ,' obs erved S idney, looking im m ens ely pleas ed with him s elf, 'but very gratifying nevertheles s . I m us t let David read this .' I left Geraldine and S idney to c ontinue their dis c us s ions of m odern art and turned to J ulie. 'S o are you looking forward to Chris tm as ?' I as ked. 'No,' s he told m e bluntly. 'W hy?' 'B ec aus e I'm not,' s he s aid. 'I'm one of thos e people who finds it a real drag.' 'Com e on, J ulie,' I s aid, 'it's the bes t tim e of year. W here's the Chris tm as s pirit gone?' 'Down the nec k of m y father if he gets his hands on it.' 'I love Chris tm as ,' I s aid. 'T here's s om ething s o s pec ial about it.' 'It m ight be for you, but you don't live at our hous e. Chris tm as always ends in argum ents , rec rim inations , s im m ering s ilenc es and s om e s ort of dis as ter. Las t year was wors e than us ual. My granddad dropped his fals e teeth down the toilet bowl, Gran nearly c hoked on a s ilver s ixpenc e put in the pudding, Unc le A lbert had one of his turns and had to lie in a darkened room until the Queen's S peec h. My little nephew K enny s pilt gravy all down m y m um 's new s kirt, and P aul, m y boyfriend, s at in front of the televis ion all afternoon watc hing The Tow ering Inferno, whic h he m us t have s een ten tim es . W hy they have to put on a dis as ter m ovie at Chris tm as tim e, I don't know. T hen m y Great A untie Doreen, who m us t be a hundred if s he's a day, went on and on about m y c ous in B ethany who's jus t got m arried. 'It'll be your turn next, our J ulie,' s he s ays . T he num ber of tim es I've heard her tell m e that.' J ulie adopted a s queaky quavering: '"Oh yes , it'll be your turn next, our J ulie." I was tem pted, when we went to m y Great Unc le Horac e's funeral to s ay the s am e thing to her. 'It'll be your turn next, Great A untie Doreen.' Y ou have no idea the s tres s es and s trains Chris tm as puts on m e, Mr P hinn. I'm always glad to get bac k to work.' I left J ulie and joined Connie. S he looked very Chris tm as s y, dres s ed in a s c arlet blous e buttoned high at the nec k and with balloon s leeves , and a green and red apron. Her hair was newly perm ed and tinted, and s he was s porting a pair of danc ing reindeer earrings . S he was s tanding by the buffet, watc hing proc eedings with eagle eye. 'Good evening, Connie,' I s aid. 'Y ou're looking very fes tive.' 'I don't feel very fes tive,' s he s aid. 'I'm thinking about all the c learing up whic h will have to be done when you lot have finis hed. T hem pine needles get everywhere.' 'No overall today?' 'I don't s leep in m y overall, you know, Mr P hinn,' s he s aid s harply. 'W hen the oc c as ion m erits it, I do dis pens ate with it. In any c as e, as you well know, m y pink one went walkabouts and I'm not at all happy with the c olour of that blue one. Inc identally, I have a good idea who walked off with m y pink one.' 'Really?' I s aid with feigned innoc enc e. 'I rec kon it was Mr Clam p. He was always m aking dis paraging c om m ents about it, and that I looked like a s tic k of B lac kpool roc k. It's jus t the s ort of thing he would do. He's forever m oving m y s tepladders , rearranging things , putting his horrible pic tures up all over the plac e and playing tric ks . He wants to grow up. It was him what told m e that that flowering plant in the tub at the front of the Centre was a flam ing alopec ia and that c reeper up the wall was a c litory, or s om ething. Oh yes , he thinks he's very funny. A nyways , I won't be requiring any overall after this week.' 'W hy's that?' I as ked. 'B ec aus e I'm leaving, that's why.' 'Y ou're not! ' I exc laim ed. 'I am . Finis hing at the end of the week.' 'For goodnes s s ake, why didn't you s ay s om ething?' 'You know I'm not a one for any fus s ,' s he told m e. 'I c an't be doing with it. A s I put in m y letter to Dr Gore, I've done m y job to the bes t of m y fac ility and now I want to enjoy m y retirem ent while I c an, with only m y own hous e and the c aravan to c lean. A ls o, I want to be able to s pend a bit m ore tim e with the grandc hildren.' 'B ut you m us t have a s end-off, Connie' I s aid. 'Y ou c an't walkout of the door after all thes e years , not finis h without a bit of a do.' 'It's been a bit of a do all thes e forty years , Mr P hinn, having to deal with all the des truc tion and debris you ins pec tors leave behind. I don't want no 'bit of a do'. T hey had a 'bit of a do', as you c all it, when m y Ted retired from driving bus es for forty years , rain or s hine, wind and s now, ic e and fog. T hey gave him a c loc k, ugly s hiny gold thing it were, far too fanc y for us . It s topped a week later. A nyway, I've got m ore c loc ks than I know what to do with. I don't know why they always give you a c loc k at the end. Is it s o you c an s pend the res t of your tim e looking at it and s eeing your life tic king away? A nyway, Ted's c loc k had a label on the bottom s aying where they bought it from - J us t Cloc ks in S tation P arade in B rindc liffe - s o I took it bac k and got a refund. Do you know that when m y Ted retired, the General Manager - s om e youngs ter, wet behind the ears - s aid what a valued c olleague he had been and how m uc h he'd be m is s ed. Didn't even know m y T ed's nam e. K ept on c alling him E d. Didn't know him from A dam .' 'I think everyone knows y our nam e, Connie,' I s aid, 'and I know for c ertain that you'll be greatly m is s ed.' 'W ell, that's as m ay be,' s he replied, dis m is s ing the c om plim ent with a s hrug. 'A ny road, when I won on the bingo, I s aid to T ed -' 'Y ou won on the bingo! ' I exc laim ed. 'I did,' s he his s ed, 'but keep your voic e down. I don't want all and S unday knowing. I s c ooped the Chris tm as jac kpot, s o you s ee going to bingo was n't s uc h a was te of tim e, like what you s aid.' 'Congratulations ! How m uc h did you win?' Connie s hrugged again. 'T hat's for m e to know,' s he told m e. 'It's given m e and T ed a bit of a nes t egg, and it will s upplic ate m y pens ion. S o, you s ee, I won't be needing no overall after this week. Mr Clam p is welc om e to it.' For a m om ent, I c ons idered telling her the truth, that her prized pink overall would be ens hrined forever on the wall at S t Margaret's S c hool, pres erved for all tim e in a fanc y fram e for the entire world to s ee, but I thought better of it. I s om ehow didn't feel s he would find it am us ing. 'I'm s ure S idney didn't take it, you know,' I s aid. 'Oh, yes he did,' s aid Connie. 'He went all quiet and guilty-looking when I brought it up at your m eeting. He looked like a naughty c hild who had jus t been found out. I've known him long enough to be wis e to his little japes and s henanigans . A nd if he thinks I'll take that letter he s ent m e s erious ly -' 'Letter?' 'He's s ent m e a joke letter.' S he reac hed underneath the table for her handbag and, after rum m aging through the c ontents , found a rather c rum pled envelope, whic h s he handed to m e. 'He m us t think m y brains are m ade of porridge to fall for this one.' I read the letter. I was s tunned. 'T he P rim e Mins ter has as ked m e to inform you, in s tric t c onfidenc e, that he has in m ind, on the oc c as ion of the forthc om ing New Year Honours , to s ubm it your nam e to T he Queen with a rec om m endation that Her Majes ty m ay be grac ious ly pleas ed to approve that you be appointed a Mem ber of the Order of the B ritis h E m pire.' 'Connie, this is no joke,' I told her, running m y finger over the em bos s ed c res t and addres s at the top of the letter. 'It's the real thing! ' 'Don't be s o daft! ' 'It is .' 'A nd who would want to give a m edal to a c leaner?' s he as ked. 'T he Queen,' I s aid, 'that's who.' 'It's Mr Clam p's idea of being funny,' s he s aid, but there was a hint of doubt now in her voic e. 'Is n't it?' 'No, Connie. T his is an authentic letter from 10 Downing S treet. Y ou're getting a m edal.' 'A re you kidding?' 'Not at all.' 'Y ou m ean they want to give m e this - what was it?' s he as ked. 'A n MB E ?' Connie s tood there, s haking her head. 'T his is wonderful,' I s aid. 'Many m any c ongratulations ,' and I planted a little kis s on her c heek. 'Mr P hinn! ' Connie s queaked, turning bright pink. 'B ut it's got to be kept s ec ret until the Honours Lis t is announc ed in the New Y ear,' I c autioned her. 'Y ou s houldn't have told m e or anyone - exc ept perhaps T ed - until it's offic ial. It s ays in the letter that you have to keep it to yours elf, it's in the s tric tes t c onfidenc e, until the announc em ent.' 'W ell, I didn't know it was for real,' s he s aid. S he looked flus tered and now her fac e began to drain of c olour. 'Y ou wouldn't have m e on, would you?' as ked Connie, gripping m y arm . 'No, Connie, I'm not having you on.' 'Y ou m ean I'm getting a m edal?' s he m urm ured. 'Y ou m ean, I'm ac tually getting to m eet Her Majes ty at B uc kingham P alac e, that I'll get to talk to the Queen? I m ean, how would the Queen know about me?' 'I believe s he - or m ore likely the Governm ent - reviews rec om m endations that are s ent in. It's not only retiring politic ians , pop s tars or footballers that get m edals . Y ou'll now have the letters MB E after your nam e,' I told her. 'I think I'm going to faint,' s he s aid, res ting her hand on the table and bending over like a broken puppet. 'Don't forget - you m us tn't s ay anything to anybody,' I warned her as I c aught s ight of Geraldine and S idney heading in our direc tion. 'Connie, are we going to get a glas s of s herry or not?' as ked S idney. 'W e've been here a good half hour and not a s ign of any libation. A nd when c an we m ake a s tart on that delic ious -looking repas t whic h you have s o beautifully prepared?' Connie s tared into the m iddle dis tanc e and s aid nothing. S he had a puzzled faraway look on her fac e. 'Connie! A re you all right? Did you hear m e?' 'Y ou look ill, Connie,' s aid Geraldine taking her arm . 'W ould you like to s it down?' 'No, I'll be fine, Dr Mullarkey, thank you very m uc h,' s he replied vac antly. 'I jus t feel a bit funny, that's all. I'd better s ee to the drinks .' A fter s he'd left the room S idney s aid to m e, 'I don't know what you were s aying to Connie but you appear to have frightened the life out of her. S he went out of this room looking like an extra from The V illage of the Damned.' 'I'll go after her,' s aid Geraldine. 'No, I'll go,' I s aid. I found Connie in the kitc hen. S he was s itting behind the hatc h c rying. 'Now, now, Connie,' I s aid, putting m y arm around her s houlder. 'W hy the tears ? Y ou s hould be over the m oon.' 'I don't know what's the m atter with m e,' s he s aid, s niffing nois ily. 'I've c om e over all unnec es s ary, as m y m other us ed to s ay. It's the s hoc k, I s uppos e. Meeting the Queen. I thought it was a joke, that it was Mr Clam p playing his us ual fun and gam es .' S he s hook her head. 'To think that anybody would want to give m e a m edal for c leaning toilets and doing a bit of dus ting.' 'Y ou do m ore that that Connie,' I told her, 'm uc h, m uc h m ore.' 'B rave people like m y father, they get m edals ,' s he s aid. 'P eople what m ake a differenc e in life. I have Dad's m edals on the s ideboard at hom e. I polis h them every week. I don't know what he'd m ake of this , I really don't.' 'He'd be s o proud of you,' I s aid. 'Y ou m ake a real differenc e to people's lives , Connie, and if anybody des erves a m edal, it's you.' 'I jus t do m y job, that's all,' s he s aid, c hoking bac k a s ob. 'Y ou do m ore than that. Now, c om e on, dry thos e eyes and I'll help you with the s herry. A nd, rem em ber, you m us t reply to the letter at onc e telling them you will ac c ept the award or they'll think you don't want it. A ls o, rem em ber, not a word about the letter to anyone.' W hen we arrived bac k in the lounge area, we dis c overed Dr Gore had m ade an appearanc e with Mrs S avage. His PA was dres s ed in a s triking c eris e s ilk dres s with a feather boa draped around her s houlders and, as ever, jangled with expens ive jewellery. S he was never knowingly underdres s ed was Mrs S avage, and rarely m is s ed an opportunity to s how off yet another new outfit. S he was in c onvers ation with Mis s de la Mare and David as I approac hed them with the tray of s herry. 'S o is it a quiet Chris tm as for you this year, Mrs S avage?' the Chief Ins pec tor was enquiring. 'Good grac ious , no, Mis s de la Mare,' Mrs S avage replied, giving one of her all-too-fam iliar patronis ing s m iles . 'Quite the oppos ite, ac tually. I'm s pending the holiday with a friend in the S outh of Franc e. T he Riviera is quite s om ething at this tim e of year.' 'W hereabouts ?' as ked David. 'I beg your pardon?' as ked Mrs S avage. 'W hereabouts on the Riviera are you going?' 'S an T ropez,' Mrs S avage told him . 'A nd are you fam iliar with the Frenc h Riviera, Mr P ritc hard?' 'Not at all, never been,' he replied. 'T hen why do you as k?' s he as ked, giving him a withering look. 'J us t interes ted, that's all,' he s aid, helping him s elf to a glas s of s herry. T here was m is c hief in his eyes . 'A s a m atter of fac t, our Captain at the Golf Club has a plac e in the S outh of Franc e. Now that's a c oinc idenc e is n't it? A nd I believe his plac e is in S an T ropez. He always s pends Chris tm as out there.' 'Really,' s aid Mrs S avage, taking a glas s from the tray and as s um ing total dis interes t. 'Of c ours e, you know T adge - Lord Mans ton - don't you, Mrs S avage?' s aid David. 'Y ou did a bit of the old liais ing with him over the CE O's c onferenc e.' 'Our paths have c ros s ed,' s he replied, looking extrem ely unc om fortable. 'P erhaps you'll bum p into him in S an T rop,' s aid David c as ually. 'If you will exc us e m e, Mis s de la Mare,' s aid Mrs S avage, turning to the Chief Ins pec tor. 'I think Dr Gore wants a word.' 'T hat was very naughty of you, David,' I s aid after Mrs S avage had m oved away with a jangle of jewellery. 'Y ou don't really think s he's s pending Chris tm as with old T adge, do you?' 'V ery likely,' replied David. 'P lenty of other wom en have s tayed with him over the years , from what I've heard. I told you he was a bit of a roue.' 'Y ou never know,' s aid Mis s de la Mare, c huc kling, 'Mrs S avage m ight return after Chris tm as as Lady Mans ton. Now, that w ould be interes ting.' 'P eris h the thought! ' exc laim ed David. 'Mrs S avage with a title! Lady B renda! I c an't bear to think about it.' S idney gatec ras hed the c onvers ation. 'S o what was all that about with Connie?' he as ked m e. 'S he was unc harac teris tic ally tac iturn.' 'S he's leaving,' I told him . 'Leaving! ' exc laim ed S idney and David together. 'I didn't know about this ,' s aid Mis s de la Mare. 'Nobody did,' I s aid, 'well, apart from Dr Gore. Connie s ays s he wants to go quietly.' 'Go quietly?' repeated S idney. 'Connie?' 'T hat's what s he s aid.' 'W hatever will we do without her?' s aid David. 'T he plac e jus t won't be the s am e,' added S idney. Our dis c us s ion was interrupted by Dr Gore who, tapping a s poon on his glas s , c alled for attention. 'Colleagues , friends , before we enjoy the Chris tm as fare that Connie has prepared for us , I gues s it is inc um bent upon m e to s ay a few words at this c onvivial oc c as ion.' He c oughed and then s lipped with eas e into one of his fam ous m onologues . 'T his term has been a partic ularly s uc c es s ful one. S tandards in s c hools have c ontinued to ris e, the E duc ation Departm ent's budget looks as though it s hould s ee us through to the end of the financ ial year, the s c hool c los ures - whic h c ould very well have been m os t c ontentious and tim e-c ons um ing - were effec ted with the m inim um of c om plaint and only one or two hic c oughs ,

'B ut, c olleagues , friends , I c annot let this oc c as ion pas s without m entioning one partic ular individual, s om eone who has been a s talwart in the E duc ation Departm ent - loyal, reliable, hard-working and never s tinting in the work s he has undertaken for the m any years I have known her. S he has been a great as s et to the E duc ation Departm ent and I would like to ac knowledge that this evening.' Mrs S avage, s tanding to the right of Dr Gore, gave a s light s m ile of apprec iation. S he rem inded m e of a film s tar waiting to rec eive an A c adem y A ward. T he CE O c ontinued. 'I have dis c overed that in life there are four kinds of people. T here are the wis hbones and they are the dream ers . T here are the jawbones and they are the talkers . T here are the knuc klebones and they are the c ritic s . A nd then there are the bac kbones and they are the ones who c arry the load and do the work. T he pers on to whom I am referring has been the very bac kbone of the E duc ation Departm ent. I s peak, of c ours e, of Connie.' I was watc hing Mrs S avage, and her fac e was a pic ture. S he looked like a s tartled os tric h. In c ontras t, the c olour drained again from Connie's fac e and s he looked as hen and deeply unc om fortable. Fortunately, I was holding the tray of s herry or, had s he been dis pens ing it, it would undoubtedly have c lattered to the floor. 'Connie wrote to m e at the beginning of this m onth,' c ontinued Dr Gore, 'tendering her res ignation and s aying s he wis hed to leave at the end of this term . S he wanted no fus s , no leaving c elebration, nothing s pec ial. S he wis hed to retire quietly. W ell, for onc e, Connie, you are not getting your own way.' Dr Gore reac hed behind him for a large box wrapped in s ilver paper. 'I s hould like to pres ent you, on behalf of all in the E duc ation Departm ent who have s o valued your good offic es , with this gift, in apprec iation of your loyal and devoted s ervic e over the las t forty years .' T here was a round of enthus ias tic applaus e. 'A nd, you know, Connie,' s aid the CE O, rais ing a hand, 'if it were up to m e, I'd give you a m edal.' I knew then who had rec om m ended her for the award. 'P erhaps Mis s de la Mare, you m ight like to s ay a few words .' 'T hank you, Dr Gore' s aid the Chief Ins pec tor, m oving forward. 'I s hould jus t like to ec ho your c om m ents . None of us , with the exc eption of your s elf, had any idea Connie was leaving us . S he will be greatly m is s ed. To repeat one of m y c olleagues , the plac e won't be the s am e without her. I s peak for everyone here, Connie, when I s ay thank you for all you have done and m ay I wis h you a very happy, res tful and well-des erved retirem ent.' 'Hear, hear! ' s aid S idney, not very s otto v oc e. 'A nd I s hould als o like to put on rec ord m y own apprec iation for all the hard work everyone has put in this year, and for the welc om e you have given m e as Head of Departm ent. I c am e to this great c ounty of rolling fells and tric kling bec ks , aus tere m oorland and s oft green dales , twis ting roads and endles s lim es tone walls , and felt im m ediately at hom e. It is a vas t and beautiful lands c ape, God's own c ountry, but it is the people in Yorks hire who m ake it s o s pec ial - their warm th, hos pitality, blunt hones ty and c heerful good hum our. S o thank you, thank you s o m uc h for m aking m e feel s o very welc om e. Now,' s he s aid, turning to Connie who was s tanding in front of her, c lutc hing the large s ilver box, 'perhaps you would like to open your pres ent.' Connie took the box to the table and loos ened the paper from around it. S he lifted the lid off the box, and peered ins ide. 'Oh, goodnes s m e, how l... lovely! ' s he s aid, and drew out a large ugly s hiny gold c loc k.

26 During the final few weeks of term , teac hers and pupils everywhere had been preparing for Chris tm as . Highly-dec orated fir trees in large tubs s tood in entranc e halls , wreaths of holly and laurel hung on doors , c ribs with brightly-c oloured figures had been taken from s toreroom s helves , dus ted down and arranged in c las s room s , walls had been dec orated with Chris tm as s c enes , and nativity plays had been rehears ed and then s taged throughout the c ounty. I have always loved the weeks leading up to the year's m os t c elebrated fes tival, both now and when I had been a c hild m ys elf. I was not aware of it at the tim e but, looking bac k, I realis ed I had had a c harm ed c hildhood and the very bes t life c ould offer - the c om bination of loving parents and dedic ated teac hers . I had as s um ed that all c hildren, like m ys elf, had parents who were, like the weather, always there - parents who never m is s ed the opportunity of c elebrating anything good that I did, however s m all; parents who told m e s tories and read to m e every night; and parents who expec ted a great deal of m e yet c onvinc ed m e that I was as good as any of the other c hildren. I think m y parents believed that their firs t duty was to m ake m e happy. Of the m any c hildren I have m et in the c ours e of teac hing and ins pec ting s c hools , s om e had been luc ky and, like m e, had had the very bes t; the world, to us e one of Connie's expres s ions , was 'their lobs ter'. S om e like Mic hael, with dis abilities , had m ountains to c lim b, but they often pos s es s ed the determ ination and s trength of c harac ter to get to the top. Others like Miranda would feel the pres s ure of exc es s ively s elf-as s ertive and overly am bitious parents who won't allow them to have a c arefree and happy c hildhood. A nd then there were c hildren like Terry - angry, lonely, m ixed up, troubles om e - who have a hard tim e of it growing up. B efore he was taken into c are, there was nothing in Terry's hom e exc ept anger and unhappines s ; there were no kind words of enc ouragem ent, no s aving m om ents of fun; there was nothing to look forward to, nothing to s trive for. He, of all c hildren, des erved to have the very bes t teac hers , teac hers like Mis s B ailey and Mr Hornc hurc h, who were enthus ias tic , res pec tful, good-hum oured, and who brought c om pas s ion, res pec t and laughter into the lives of the c hildren they taught. W andering round Fettles ham on a c old, dam p S aturday afternoon, a c ouple of weeks into m y job as a s c hool ins pec tor, I had c om e on a s ec ond-hand books hop down a narrow alleyway. I already had quite a c ollec tion of old books that I us ed to us e in c las s when I was teac hing - traditional fairy s tories and fables , poetry anthologies , old-fas hioned pic ture books , even defunc t reading s c hem es . I had dec ided to go into the s hop to s ee if there was anything of interes t on the s helves . T he interior of the s hop was as c old and dam p as the world outs ide, and was des erted s ave for an elderly m an who s at behind the c ounter, his nos e in a s m all book. He looked up briefly at the s ound of the tinkling bell but then returned to his reading and left m e alone to brows e. S om e tim e later, I returned to the c ounter with the two books I had dec ided to buy. T he firs t book was a tattered s pec im en with a faded red leather binding but with what m us t have onc e been finely-tooled lettering; its pages were c reas ed and dis c oloured. T he book, written over a c entury before, by one T hom as Cobden-S anders on, was about c hildhood. In it, I read later, he wrote of the qualities he hoped to inc ulc ate in Ric hard, his five year-old s on. Of c ours e, I never thought at the tim e that one day I would have a s on of that nam e, too. T he qualities that T hom as Cobden-S anders on lis ted s eem ed to m e to s um up what the good parent s hould endeavour to ins til in the young: politenes s , kindnes s , obedienc e, patienc e, uns elfis hnes s , fortitude, c ourage, truthfulnes s , s elf-c ontrol, applic ation, m odes ty and reverenc e. I rem em ber wondering at the tim e jus t what young Ric hard Cobden-S anders on had m ade of him s elf in the world with s uc h a s tart in life. T he proprietor handled the s ec ond tom e with great reverenc e, s troking the c overs with long fingers . It was c lear he was reluc tant to s ell it. T he book had a s turdy rus t-c oloured c over and was c alled Dale Folk , Charac ter S k etc hes in P ros e and V ers e and had been written by Dorothy Una Ratc liffe over fifty years earlier. It was a treas ure c hes t of anec dotes and s tories , vers es and m em ories and illus trated with detailed line drawings and delic ate s ketc hes . 'I s hall be very s orry to s ee this one go,' he had told m e s adly. 'I often us ed to take it off the s helf and read from it. A nd it's s till in very good c ondition.' He had looked at m e for a m om ent before adding, 'B ut I feel c ertain you will give it a good hom e.' 'How do you know that?' I'd as ked, intrigued. 'Y oung m an,' he'd s aid, 'you have s pent the bes t part of an hour brows ing the s helves , handling the books , turning the pages . Y ou los t trac k of tim e. I c an tell you are a lover of books .' Des pite m y protes tations he would only take two pounds . T hat night, in m y c ram ped flat above T he Rum bling T um c afe, I had read Dale Folk from c over to c over, learning m uc h about the people of the Dales who would s oon bec om e s o s pec ial to m e. It was a work of c ons iderable poignanc y and beauty, s hrewdly obs ervant, with a genuine flavour of the hum our, plains peaking, generos ity and oc c as ional dournes s of this uns poilt rural people. I had rec ently pic ked the book off the s helf at P eewit Cottage and re-read s om e of the c hapters . B efore s hutting it, I had turned to the note printed near the front as a s ort of dedic ation. 'T he people in this book you will find anywhere s o long as you really wis h to m eet them .' Having now s pent over four years as a s c hool ins pec tor in the m agnific ent c ounty of Yorks hire, I had indeed m et a veritable c as t of them : Harry Cotton, George Hem m ings , T hom as Um pleby, Hezekiah Longton, Mauric e Hinderwell, Lord Marric k, A ndy - gam ekeepers and gardeners , s hepherds and lords of the m anor, pes t c ontrol offic ers and lollipop ladies , not to m ention the m any teac hers and the wonderful c hildren of the Dales . It was a c old, overc as t afternoon when I arrived at the final s c hool I would vis it that term . B ac kwaters thwaite P rim ary had been the very firs t s c hool I had vis ited on bec om ing a s c hool ins pec tor. I was now looking forward to renewing m y ac quaintanc e with the rem arkable headteac her, Mr Lapping. Our paths had c ros s ed on various oc c as ions during the intervening years , and he had never failed to im pres s m e. I had got hopeles s ly los t on the way to that firs t vis it and had, in fac t, pas s ed the s c hool without realis ing it. T here had been no traffic triangle warning of a s c hool, no s c hool board, no playground, nothing that would identify the aus tere building as an educ ational es tablis hm ent. I form ed the idea at the tim e that the window boxes , tubs of bright flowers , c urtained windows and s m all c arefully-tended garden in the front of the building were intended to dis guis e the fac t that it was a s c hool. P erhaps the headteac her had c leverly altered the appearanc e of the building to res em ble a private dwelling to evade a vis it from unwanted vis itors , in partic ular anyone from the E duc ation Departm ent at County Hall. I s m iled now as I m ade m y way up the narrow path towards the gaunt s tone edific e with its s hiny s late roof and high leaded windows . I rec alled that firs t oc c as ion when I had lifted the great iron knoc ker in the s hape of a ram 's head and let it fall with a res ounding thum p. T he heavy blac kdoor had opened and I had been c onfronted by a thin, s tooping m an with frizzy greying hair like a tangle of wire wool and the c om plexion of a c orps e. T he figure appeared as though he had c lam bered up an em bankm ent after a rail c ras h. He had had no polic y doc um ents , planning m aterials , s c hem es of work, les s on plans or c urric ulum guidelines . W hen I had as ked to s ee his S c hool Developm ent P lan, he had run a hand through his hair and wrinkled his forehead into a frown. T hen he had given a hollow laugh and had inform ed m e frankly that he wouldn't rec ognis e s uc h a thing if it were to fly through the window. He had gone on to inform m e that, in his book, educ ation was not about paper and proc es s es , proc edures and doc um entation, it was about teac hing. T hen he had tapped his brow. 'It's all up here, Mr P hinn,' he had s aid. He had told m e, on that firs t m eeting, that he rec koned it was the teac her who m ade the real differenc e in c hildren's lives and that the teac her has an awes om e power and a great res pons ibility. 'A teac her c an ins pire or deaden, c hallenge or bore, hurt or heal, develop a love of learning or kill it s tone dead,' he had told m e. 'T eac hing is a voc ation, Mr P hinn, not a job.' B ec aus e of m y late arrival, the c hildren had in fac t already gone hom e and s o I had returned a m onth later for a proper vis it. Des pite the fac t that there was s till nothing written down or rec orded, I had been highly im pres s ed by everything I had s een and heard. B efore I had left, a s m all nine-year-old with wide eyes and thic k brac ken-c oloured hair had approac hed to inform m e s erious ly that 'Mes ter Lapping's a reight good teac her, tha knaws .' He had then s ugges ted that I ought to write it down in m y little blac kbookin c as e I s hould forget. Mr Lapping was now retiring after forty years in a profes s ion he des c ribed as the m os t influential of all. I was there that afternoon to wis h him the very bes t in his new life. He was m oving s outh to Canterbury to live nearer to his daughter and grandc hildren. I knew he would m is s Yorks hire des perately and wondered if he would ever s ettle s o far away from his beloved c ounty. I had been invited to his farewell party, whic h was to take plac e later in the village hall, but s adly I had had to dec line s inc e it c las hed with the nativity play at Hawks rill S c hool. I had prom is ed Chris tine I would be hom e in tim e to go to it with her. Mr Lapping and I were s itting in his offic e, during the afternoon break. T hrough the window, I c ould s ee that s now had s tarted to fall s oftly, and the deep valley, where a wide unhurried river flowed gently beneath the arc hes of a s lender bridge, was s pec kled in white. 'T his is for you, George,' I s aid, pas s ing him a brightly wrapped pres ent. 'A s you brows e through the pages , it's to help you rem em ber your days in Y orks hire. It will perhaps rem ind you of the people of the Dales who have been s o m uc h a part of your life.' 'How very kind,' he replied. 'May I open it?' 'Of c ours e.' He s tared at the book, then read from the binding: 'Dale Folk , Charac ter S k etc hes in P ros e and V ers e by Dorothy Una Ratc liffe. How wonderful. T hank you s o m uc h.' 'T he final poem is a partic ular favourite of m ine,' I told him . 'P erhaps I m ight read it to you and wis h you all the very bes t in your retirem ent. It's c alled 'T he Y orks hire B les s ing' - I expec t you know it.' I turned to the very las t page and read: T o thi m ind - P eac e, T o thi 'eart - J oy, T o thi s oul - S trength A nd Courage. In thine outgoings Nowt am is s , T o thi 'om e c om ings 'A ppines s . 'T hank you, Gervas e,' he s aid quietly. 'I s hall treas ure it.' T here were tears in his eyes . He took a m om ent to c om pos e him s elf, and then as ked, 'You will s tay for the final rehears al of our nativity play, won't you? I am s ure you will enjoy our very own Yorks hire vers ion, whic h the c hildren have written and produc ed them s elves . T hey took the B ible s tory and re-wrote it in their own inim itable words . I s uppos e s om e m ight s ay it's not really appropriate to go tinkering about with the Good B ook but, then again, it has been trans lated into a fair few languages in its tim e and I rec kon God won't objec t if He hears it in dialec t - es pec ially s inc e God is , of c ours e, a Y orks hirem an,' he added, with a twinkle in his eye. I s at in at the bac k of the large room as the c hildren perform ed their dram a on the m akes hift s tage. Of all the nativity plays I had s een over the years , this was undoubtedly one of the m os t original and perhaps the m os t m em orable. T he c as t had dis pens ed with the us ual attire - s andals , dres s ing gowns , pas teboard c rowns , c oloured towels draped over heads (us ually held in plac e by elas tic belts with s nake c las ps ), c ottonwool beards , c loaks , c ardboard wings and tins el halos , and had opted for s im ple m odern dres s . A large, fres h-fac ed girl with long flaxen hair and attired in blac k s lac ks and a white blous e s tood at the s ide of the s tage as two c hildren, the boy dres s ed in jeans and denim jac ket, the girl in a bright flowery dres s , entered holding hands . 'A nd it c am e to pas s ,' s aid the narrator, 'that a dec ree went out from Caes ar A ugus tus , the E m peror in Rom e, that all the world s hould be taxed. J os eph, the c arpenter, took Mary, his wife, who was having a baby, from Galilee to the c ity of David, whic h is c alled B ethlehem , in J udea from where his fam ily c am e. T hey walked wearily along the hot and dus ty road and into the town, whic h was c rowded with people all there to be c ounted. V ery s oon Mary and J os eph, tired from their long journey, arrived at an inn looking for s om ewhere to s tay.' A boy wearing a blue and white s triped apron s tepped on to the s tage, his hands on his hips . 'Innkeeper! Innkeeper! 'A s thy any room ?' as ked J os eph. 'Nay, lad,' replied the Innkeeper. 'I've nowt left. W e're full to burs tin'. P lac e is c hoc k-a-bloc k wi' fowlk c um to pay their taxes .' 'T hat's a rum do. W e've been on t'rooad all day,' J os eph told him , 'and both on us are fair fit to drop. W e're fair fagged out! ' 'W ell, I'm reight s orry, lad, but there's nowt I c an gi' thee. W e're full up for t'neet.' 'I've got t'wife out 'ere,' announc ed J os eph. 'A n' s he's 'avin' a babby, tha knaas .' 'I'm reight s orry abaat that, an' all,' s aid the Innkeeper, 'but there's no room in t'inn, an' that's top an' bottom of it.' 'Nowt at all? A nythin' will do.' 'T heer's t's table round t'bac k. B it bas ic like, but it's warm an' dry enough. T ha c an s leep theer if tha wants .' 'It'll 'ave to do,' s aid J os eph. 'Com e on, Mary.' T he narrator took up the s tory. 'A nd s o Mary and J os eph had to s leep in the s table with the oxen and the as s es , for there was no room in the inn that night.' T he holy c ouple left the s tage and two boys and a girl entered. T hey wore old jac kets and flat c aps , and c arried c rooks . 'Now far off, in a dis tant dale, on a dark, c old night, three s hepherds were tending their s heep and watc hing over their floc ks , when s uddenly there appeared, in the dark s ky, a great s hining light.' ''E y up! ' s aid the firs t s hepherd. 'T eka look at that then! ' 'W eer?' as ked the s ec ond s hepherd. 'T heer.' 'W eer?' 'T heer, up yonder in t's ky.' 'W or is it?' 'I don't know but it's gerrin' brighter.' A girl entered in a white blous e and s kirt. ''E y up, lads ! Don't be frit. I'm not gunna 'urt thee. I'm Hangel o' Lord, 'ere wi' tidin's of gret joy.' 'W hat's that, then?' as ked the third s hepherd. 'T here's a babby boy been booarn toneet, a reight s pec ial babby, who's liggin in a m anger, wrapped up in s waddlin' bands , ovver in B ethle'em . God's own lad, S aviour o' W orld, Chris t the Lord, the Mes s iah, an' does thy know what?' 'W hat?' as ked the firs t s hepherd. ''E 's reight c ham pion, that's what.' 'W ay, 'appen we berrer gu an' s ee 'im then, s ithee,' s aid the firs t s hepherd. 'W or abaat t'tups and yows ?' as ked the s ec ond. 'I'm not reight c huffed abaat leavin' 'em on their own, what wi' wolves .' 'Ne'er thee m ither abaat tha s heep,' s aid the angel, 'I'll s ee to 'em fer thee.' T he narrator s tepped forward and a group of c hildren c am e on s tage, dres s ed in white s hirts , white trous ers and white plim s olls . 'A nd s uddenly the s ky was filled with a hos t of heavenly angels .' T he c hildren s ang lus tily, 'Glory to God, Glory to God, Glory to God in the highes t, and on E arth peac e and goodwill toward all m en.' A s the angels and s hepherds left the s tage, the T hree K ings entered, wearing long red c loaks . 'Now far far away in a dis tant land, T hree K ings , wis e m en of the E as t, s aw a s tar high in the dark s ky whic h foretold the birth of the newborn king.' 'Hey up! ' s aid the firs t king. 'T eka look at that, then! ' 'W eer?' as ked the s ec ond king. 'T heer.' 'W eer?' 'T heer, up yonder in t's ky.' 'W or is it?' 'B y the hec k, it's a reight big s tar.' 'T ha knaas what that m eans , dunt tha?' s aid the third king. 'No,' c horus ed the other two. 'T ha does ! ' 'W e doaan't.' 'S um m at s pec ial's 'appenin', that's what. It's a s ign from on 'igh. A new babby king's been born toneet. It were foretold. Com e on, lads , let's follow yonder s tar an' s ee weer it teks us .' ''Old up,' s aid the s ec ond king. 'W e s hall 'ave to tek 'im a pres ent.' T he T hree K ings left the s tage, pic king up three brightly wrapped parc els on their way out. 'S o the T hree K ings s et off to follow the s tar,' s aid the narrator, 'c arrying their gifts of gold, frankinc ens e and m yrrh, and s oon they arrived at a huge m arble palac e.' T he T hree K ings appeared bac k on s tage. 'T hey knoc ked loudly on the great iron door and from ins ide c am e a voic e. It was K ing Herod.' 'Clear off ! ' 'Oppen dooer! ' s houted the firs t king. 'W e're t'three kings from t'Orient.' 'I don't c are who thy are or weer tha from . Clear off ! ' 'W e've got gret news that a new babby king 'as been born this neet an' we're off to s ee' im ? Does tha want to c om e wi' us ?' On s tage c am e a s m all boy with s piky hair and a brightlyc oloured s hirt. 'W hat's all this abaat a babby king, then?' he as ked. 'I've jus t telled thee,' s aid the firs t king. 'S ee that theer s tar up in t's ky?' 'W eer?' as ked Herod. 'T heer.' 'W eer?' 'T heer, up yonder in t's ky.' 'W or abaat it?' 'W ell, it's tekkin us to s ee this new babby king. Get tha c ooat on an' tha c an c om e wi' us .' 'Nay, I'll not bother,' replied Herod, 'but c um bac k this way, will tha, an' tell m e weer this babby is and 'appen I'll go an' s ee 'im m is s en an' tek'im a pres ent.' He turned to the front and pulled a grues om e fac e. 'I'll tek'im a pres ent, all reight, and it'll not be wor 'e's hexpec tin'. I'm not reight c huffed abaat this at all. T here's only gunna be one king around 'ere, s ithee, an' that's gunna be m e.' Herod s tom ped off. T he narrator c ontinued as the s tage filled with all the c hildren, exc ept Herod; they gathered around a s m all m anger that had been brought onto the s tage. 'A nd that night, in a s table in B ethlehem , J es us Chris t was born and the T hree K ings and the hum ble s hepherds , the angels and the beas ts of the fields wors hipped Him for He was the S on of God, the m os t wonderful, the K ing of all K ings and the Light of the W orld.' 'Glory be to God,' c horus ed the c hildren. 'A nd all who s aw the c hild m arvelled,' s aid the narrator finally, 'but Mary, holding her newborn baby c los e to her breas t, kept all thes e things to hers elf and pondered them in her heart.' A s I drove bac k to Hawks rill in the late afternoon s un, the light dus ting of s now m aking the Dales look ethereal yet peac eful, I rec alled the las t words of the nativity play I had jus t s een - 'Mary, holding her new born baby c los e to her breas t', - and thought of m y own beautiful wife and baby whom I s hould s hortly s ee. How luc ky I was ! T he c ottage looked welc om ing as I parked the c ar on the trac k alongs ide the garden; there were lights behind the c los ed c urtains , and a wis p of s m oke c urled up from the c him ney into the fros ty air. A s I went through the bac k door and into the kitc hen, the s m ell of s om ething delic ious c ooking m ade m e s niff the air apprec iatively. 'Hello, darling,' s aid Chris tine, who was s itting at the table, with Ric hard in his c arryc ot bes ide her. I kis s ed them both. 'I was determ ined not to be late today,' I s aid. 'I really didn't want to m is s the Hawks rill play. W hat tim e is your m other c om ing? It's good of her to baby-s it for us .' 'S he rang about half an hour ago to s ay s he was jus t leaving. A nd I c an prom is e you, it's no hards hip to her at all. S he'll c om e any tim e and look after this little bundle for us .' T he baby gurgled as if on c ue. I notic ed there was a five-pound note on the table, and went to pic kit up. 'Is this m ine or yours ?' I as ked. 'It's m ine - for the m om ent,' replied Chris tine. 'B ut it will be A ndy's as s oon as he c alls round for it. I was expec ting him earlier.' 'I don't unders tand,' I s aid. 'I paid A ndy the other weekend all we owe him for the gardening.' Chris tine laughed. 'T his , I'm afraid, is for s om ething quite different. It's for that bet you had with him - the red-tails are bac k! ' 'W hat - here?' I as ked. I had hoped I'd never s ee thos e wretc hed s quirrels again. 'No, not here. You'd have heard about it long before if they were here. A ndy c alled in to s ay that he had s een a flas h of red tails down at Ted P os kitt's farm - and, inc identally, he s aid there's not m uc h red on them any m ore. A pparently, they've taken up res idenc e in the roof above an old trac tor s hed.' S he s tood up

and c ros s ed to s tir s om ething on the s tove. 'I expec t they'll be bac k here s oon enough, then,' I s aid gloom ily. 'T he farm 's not far away.' No,' s aid Chris tine, who appeared am azingly c alm about the return of the pes ky c reatures . 'A ndy thinks that they will winter there now, hibernate, and in the s pring they will be s o bus y thinking about babies that they will probably s tay where they are.' 'Oh, good, that's that then', I s aid, m ightily relieved. 'W ell, don't forget you owe m e for the fiver that's going to A ndy,' s he s aid. 'I won't forget,' I s aid, c ros s ing the room to put m y arm s round her. 'Nor will I forget that I am m arried to the m os t enc hanting girl in the world.' Chris tine turned and nuzzled her fac e into m y s houlder. 'A nd that we have a wonderful s on in Ric hard,' s he m urm ured, 'who would like at leas t two brothers and perhaps a little s is ter as well.' A nd, in due c ours e, that's jus t what happened.

A Dalesman to His S on W ell, lad, I'll tell thee s um m at: Life for m e aint been no eas y road to walk. It's been a long hard journey Mos tly uphill all the way. A t tim es it's been a hot and dus ty trail, W i' potholes and s harp s tones beneath m i feet A nd a s weltering s un burning the bac ko' m i nec k. S om etim es it's been knee-deep wi' m ud A nd thic kwi' s now and bloc ked wi' fallen trees , W ith an ic y wind blowing full in m i fac e. T here were tim es when it's been dark and dangerous A nd I've been lonely and afraid and felt like turning bac k. B ut all the tim e, lad, I've kept plodding on, A nd c lim bing s tiles , A nd s c aling walls , A nd s eeing s ignpos ts , A nd reac hing m iles tones , A nd m aking headway. S o, lad, don't you turn round, Don't go bac kon the road For I'm s till walking, I'm s till walking, A nd life for m e aint been no eas y road to walk.