Take Me As I Am

Published by Phaze Books

This is an explicit and erotic novel intended for the enjoyment of adult readers. Please keep out of the hands of children.

www.Phaze.com

Take Me As I Am a novella of homoerotic romance by

ANGELEQUE FORD

Take Me As I Am copyright 2007, 2008 by Angeleque Ford All rights reserved under the International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher. This is a work of fiction. Names, places, characters and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, organizations, events or locales is entirely coincidental. A Phaze Production Phaze Books 6470A Glenway Avenue, #109 Cincinnati, OH 45211-5222 Phaze is an imprint of Mundania Press, LLC. To order additional copies of this book, contact: [email protected] www.Phaze.com Cover art © 2007 Debi Lewis Edited by Stacia Seaman eBook ISBN-13: 978-1-59426-850-2 eBook ISBN-10: 1-59426-850-9 First Edition –February, 2008 Printed in the United States of America 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Warning: the unauthorized reproduction or distribution of this copyrighted work is illegal. Criminal copyright infringement, including infringement without monetary gain, is investigated by the FBI and is punishable by up to 5 years in prison and a fine of $250,000.

Chapter One "What's easier? Falling in love or falling out of it?" Black leaned forward so he would be clearly heard across the airwaves. "For me, falling in love is the easy part. And it's not necessarily the actual process of falling out of love that's hard. "Or even ending things, which of course depends on the situation. But, being able to accept the relationship is over and moving on, that's where the pain comes in. With the realization and acceptance that the person you thought you would be spending the rest of your life with isn't who you thought they were, and won't be sharing your bed with you or holding you during those difficult, restless nights." He paused, took a breath followed by a low chuckle, then cleared his throat. "Sorry, folks, didn't mean to get so heavy right there, but I got lost for a moment. Since we're not here just to talk but hopefully to enlighten as well as entertain, we're going to play a few songs before we get into the calls." The radio show producer, Diannah Washburn, typed in the next song queued to play so Black could set it up. "This next piece is an old-school joint. It's become a sorta nostalgic favorite as well as one of the new oldies from my generation. Hip-hop's version of a love or break up song. This is 'Song Cry' by Jay-Z." The song played, then another, followed by a few commercials, then the intro jingle, and Pandora Robinson's sexy voice floated out over the airwaves. Come on. Get in. It's worth the ride. Come...In Bed with Black...You know you want to. "Don't you absolutely love our opening?" his co-host Pandora said. The room broke into laughter at her question. It was a running joke. Pandora got paid every time the promo played. "So what's with the heavy topic, Black?" his other co-host, Synda, asked. "Is it still Darrius? And I hate to sound insensitive, but you have to get past this, Black."

TAKE ME AS I AM

"I ran into him today." He paused and an audible sigh could be heard over the radio waves. "I thought I had gotten over it. But when you see the person who broke your heart because he was, what...scared? Couldn't accept me? I think that's bull shish. We were in a relationship for four years, living together for the last one. Was it my gym shoes by the door, my socks on the floor? I'm not a slob." He groaned. "I didn't mean to get into this, everyone. But seeing him threw me. And I mean, I'm not trying to be a punk, but I loved him. I wanted to spend my life with him." "Get married, have some babies," Pandora chimed in. "Maybe. Not exactly, given I'm gay. However, I've made no secret about wanting a family, a child, a commitment. But the point is he lied. He said he loved me. But what I don't understand is how you can be in love with someone and cheat on them. In our bed. If he told me he wanted a threesome, I would have considered it." "Whoa. Wait a minute," Pandora interrupted. "You didn't tell us that particular piece of news." "What was the point?" He chuckled. "And we're getting off the point. It's not about me and Darrius. It's about love in general. So, ladies and gentleman, call in with your love dedications, confessions, stories. Got something to get off your chest? Call 1-Get-In-W-BLCK." "How 'bout we spin something. This is Mariah Carey's 'Don't Forget About Us,'" Synda interjected. "Lighten up this heaviness." "And you picked that song?" Pandora laughed. "It's the quintessential breakup song. A perfect 'you screwed up big time when you left me for her,' well, him, song." "He did not leave me for another guy. We broke up because I couldn't trust him to be faithful and true to us or what we were building together anymore." He sighed. "And I'm getting way too personal. Just play the damn—sorry, dang song." The song's opening melodies drifted over the airwaves. Black gave the signal for their mics to be cut while the music played to avoid another incident like last time. Pandora's microphone had been left open and some inappropriate words got out over the air, resulting in a fine and suspension for her. "We are not turning this into Black's lovelorn and lack of a love life show." "Of course not," Pandora agreed. "'Cause while your name may be on the show and you get top billing, we are a part of this, too. Nobody

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wants to hear about your romantic life or lack thereof." "Oh, and people want to hear about your freakalicious lifestyle," Synda threw in. "I can't help it if I like and enjoy sex. There's nothing wrong with it," Pandora informed her. "And it's not like everyone wants to be celibate like you." "Aight, ladies, can the crap. We have a show to get through. And I don't know what's going on between you two, but let's keep it off the air, shall we?" Black advised, his tone cautious but strong. The underlying meaning behind his words came through. The crew gave the signal, they were back on the air, and mics opened. Heeding his words, Pandora laughed. "If y'all could only see or hear what happens during those music and commercial breaks." "I think we're lucky they can't, 'cause you ladies are wild. And since I'm getting a signal that the phone lines are full, I say we take a call. Line Four, please." "Hello, caller. You're In Bed with Black. Grab a pillow and get on in. Tell us, what's your fantasy?" Pandora said, keeping her voice airy and breathy. "You really need a new line to say," Black interjected. "Go 'head, caller." "This is Renee. Are you sure you're gay, Black?" "Positive, sweetheart." "Damn." "Is there something I can help you with?" "Not now." She hung up. The control booth laughed. "Okay. Before we go to the next caller, Diannah, ladies, save yourselves the trouble. You can't turn him," Pandora said. "And I know he sounds all cute and cuddly right now and you want to ease his pain, but you ain't his type," Synda added. "Um, yeah. You're missing a key piece of anatomy," Diannah answered from the booth. "Yeah, a penis." Pandora laughed. "Okay. Back to the callers, before I lose any more control of this show." "Who said you were in control?" Synda quipped. "Anyway, as I was going to say, it wouldn't hurt you to get out there

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and start dating again," Pandora said. "Next caller, Diannah," Black said, ignoring them. "Why is that so out of the realm of possibility?" Synda asked. "All you do is work, promo ops, and go home. You make excuses when we ask you out." Turning toward Pandora, she added, "I think this is a great idea." He ran a hand over his bald head, saying nothing. "Um, this is a radio talk show program. We need words," Pandora said. "No. Next caller, Diannah." "Why don't you listen to the ladies? My grandma said the only way to get over a broken heart is to start on a new one. Sure, it may just be about sex at first, but it could grow into something more." "Thanks, caller. Next." "Hi. My name is Ann." The caller paused. "What about a dating contest? People could write in and say why they want to go out with him." "Hmm. Interesting," Synda said. "Keep going, caller." "I guess it would have to be open to men only, considering his lifestyle and orientation. The potential date could fill out a profile form, submit a picture and videotaped message." "How would we weed out the crazies?" Black asked. "What am I saying? I'm not doing this." "That sounded like a yes." Synda laughed. "No." "What about a maybe?" Ann, the caller, asked. "It's not like it'll hurt. They'll weed out the crazies and you can get a committee of your most trusted friends to pick the top ten. Then let your listeners narrow it down to the top five or top three." "He'll think about it," the program director, Ramona Tracey, interjected. "Ann, stay on the line and we can discuss this more. Since this is your idea, we'd like you in on the setup." "Okay. Fine. It looks like I have no choice. How about we take another caller?" "I think it should be open to women, too," the caller said. Black laughed. "Thanks, sweetie. But I like me as I am. I'm not looking for a woman. I prefer my sex to be with a man. Next caller, Diannah." "How about women strictly for friendship purposes? You know

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someone to shop with, hang with?" "No thanks. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. It never goes well. Some don't think that I am truly gay and want to change me. Besides, I have enough women in my life as friends and matchmakers. Plus, that's a stereotype, not all homosexual men like to shop." "Before this gets too out of hand, we're going to play some music," Pandora said. Diannah segued into the next song rotation. And when they came back from the commercial break, Pandora's opening played again. "We only have time to take a few more calls, so make your questions count," Black said. They took two more callers who wanted to sign up to win a date with Jay Black. Both were informed details would be available on their Web site within the next month. "Time for one last call," Black said. "Go ahead, caller. You have a question or comment?" "I have an alternative to this get-a-date thing," the caller said in a rich, smooth voice. "How about a one-night stand? Jay and I meet, on me, at a specified time and place and have at it?" "Do I know you, caller? Your voice sounds familiar." Black paused for a second. "Plus, there aren't many people who call me Jay. The majority of the show's fans call me Black." "No. I just have one of those voices." The caller laughed, and the rough-sounding chuckle floated through the room and sounded over the airwaves. "So, what about it? I'm disease free, single, and good-looking, if I do say so myself." "Why?" Pandora jumped in. "'Cause my Granny said the same thing as the other caller. Sometimes the best, only way to get over a broken heart, or a bad breakup, is with a good, hot round of sweaty, jungle-gym sex." "Why you?" Synda wanted to know. "Because I know what's it like to have your heart broken and not be able to just get over it. I also know that Jay's ex sounds like a real prick. Plus I'm a loyal listener. And if those reasons aren't good enough," the caller said, "I've seen Jay out and about within the community, and I think he's sexy. And let's just say...let's just say my body has quite the reaction to his." "So this is just about sex?" Pandora spoke, leaning closer to the microphone, "Interesting. Tell us about yourself."

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"Hold up." Black cut in. "We are not considering this. I am not doing this. Thanks for the compliment and all. But the answer is no." He ran a hand over his head. "Everyone says that they're disease free. And even though we would use a condom, that's not the point, the answer is no." Turning to the ladies in the booth with him, he asked, "Do you realize how insane this sounds? This man, though he has a sexy phone voice, could be a psychotic killer." "The phone lines are blazing," Diannah interjected. "That may be so, but we go off the air in half an hour. And this is the last caller, people." "How about we meet, then? A neutral location? And you can talk to me and get to know me, check me out?" "Isn't that against the rules of a booty call?" Pandora asked. "There are booty call rules?" Synda frowned. "Why would there be rules?" Pandora sighed. "I don't have time to explain this to you." She looked at Black. "Caller. Stay on the line, we'll work something out." Motioning to Diannah, she said, "Take us out with 'My Place' by Nelly." "Sounds like somebody has a booty call of her own." Diannah laughed. "Man or woman?" Ramona threw out. "First of all, that's none of your business. Second, it's not a booty call since we've already established a relationship. It's one of my spares. Mamí needs to work off some stress tonight. Third, just play the dang song, Diannah." "I'm still trying to get over the fact that there are rules to a booty call." Synda sighed. "That's it for another show," Black said, his voice gruff and low. "This is not how I pictured this show going. I hope you got something out of it, even if it was just a laugh or two. And if we made you laugh, it was worth it. Laughter helps us get through the rough patches. Up next we have 90.5 WKBL's fabulous, award-winning morning team, Cuppa Caffeine Crew."

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Chapter Two "How the hell did I let you talk me into this?" Black asked Pandora, standing in front of the full-length mirror in his bedroom. He wore charcoal gray jeans, a black button-down shirt, and a white V-neck sweater with deep gray striping around the collar. "And why am I dressing up for this person? He could be a pervert. And I'd hate to waste a good suit." "You know you want to." Her voice was breathy and low, as it was in the promo spot. "Ha. Ha." He turned in the mirror. "Seriously, this is insane." "No, it's not. You need to get out. If he's telling the truth, and you did admit he sounded sexy, at least you'll get a good fuck out of it." "We don't know that. Just because a man has a big dick doesn't mean he can fuck." "Don't I know it." She laughed, going over to where he stood. "But you're stalling." Pushing him back, she gave him the once-over. "You look fine all nice and freshly shaven." Walking her way around him, Pandora sniffed the air. "Not too much cologne, small amount of bling in the ears, plus you're matching." She sat on his bed. "All in all, I'd say 8.75 out of 10, sexy and not overdone." "I know if I wasn't gay, you'd do me." "Yeah. But it wouldn't work out." "Why?" "I'm selfish in bed and I never learned to share." She stood again, and grabbed her clutch. "Can we go?" "Fine. Let's get this over with." He grabbed his wallet and keys from the dresser. "Why 8.75 out of 10?" "'Cause you don't do women," she responded, not looking back. **** Darrius Stone was nervous. He knew Jay was going to hit the roof when he saw him. And probably walk out of the restaurant without a backward glance. He also knew he probably deserved it. Still, he'd

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bought a new suit for the occasion. Dressed in an off-white suit, wearing a lilac shirt and complementary dark purple and silver tie and matching handkerchief, Darrius sat at one of the back tables in Sindbad's Restaurant. He hoped the river view would help to ease any potential confrontation. The butterflies in his stomach multiplied, doing what he was sure was their interpretation of Beyonce's booty dance, when Jay's voice drifted through the semi-crowded restaurant. Palms sweaty, he waited until Jay got to the table to stand, a smile plastered on his face. "One of these days I'm going to learn to listen to my first mind." Jay blew out a breath. He turned from where his ex-boyfriend sat and started to walk away but was stopped by Pandora's hand on his chest. Jay dropped his gaze down to the small hand of one of his best friends. His mind reasoned with him, when what he wanted was to jerk away from her and leave. Since he was bigger and stronger, there was no way she could actually stop him. Jay blew out a breath. His gaze fixated back to Pandora's hand. That same hand he'd held during the funeral of her husband five years ago. He looked back up at her with narrowed eyes. "Did you know about this?" "No. But you need to at least hear him out. If he went through this elaborate ruse just to talk to you again, then I think you should listen to what he has to say." "No." "Come on, Black, what if it's important? Do you want to live the rest of your life regretting not hearing him out? Not saying what's in your heart?" "I hate you," he said in a low voice. "No, you don't." She nodded, making a circling motion with her finger for him to turn around. "Thank you, Pandora." Darrius stepped toward her and offered her a hug. "How are you doing? Still being wild?" Stepping back, he held out an empty chair for her. "No problem. Fine. Yes." She laughed, sitting down. "You have five minutes." Jay sat next to her, speaking in an even tone. "Well, I wanna thank you for that," Darrius began, "I know I hurt you." "You have no idea."

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"Contrary to what you thought, I was hurt, too." Jay laughed, and it sounded bitter and hollow to Darrius. "Jay..." "I should have known it was you." Jay spoke, looking at him. "You've never called me anything but Jay or Baby." Darrius shrugged. "I think it's stupid and childish how everyone calls you by your last name, your street name, like it makes you stronger or more credible. You've outgrown being Black Ice, local thug and troublemaker." "What did you want to see me about?" Jay leaned forward, his features softening and posture less severe. "Are you...are you okay? Health-wise?" "Yes." Darrius smiled with the realization Jay did care. He ignored the nagging in the back of his mind that said he'd only asked to be polite. Plus the fact that they'd been lovers meant his health affected Jay as well. "I'm fine. Perfect bill of health." "Good." Jay sat back in the chair. His posture was more relaxed, but he kept one hand on the table while the other was on the arm of his chair. "And you? Still getting regular check-ups? Tests?" "Mmm-hmm. No problems." "I want to see if we can work things out. Would you be willing to give me a second chance?" Jay laughed again, full and hearty, turning to Pandora. "Can you believe this bullshit?" The chair scraped the floor as it scooted back with the sudden movement as he stood. "You could have called for that. I'd have saved you the trouble." Pausing, he ran a hand over his head. "The answer's no." "This was the only way I could assure you would talk to me. If I'd called, you'd have hung up." "If you think that, then you don't know me as well as I had hoped." His voice rough and tight, Jay continued on. "But seeing as you cheated on me, I don't think you ever knew me. Because if you did, you'd know I would have forgiven you anything but that." "I made a mistake. Aren't we all entitled to them?" Jay nodded. "Yes. We are. But unfortunately for you, your mistake cost you us." Looking him dead in the eyes, he added, "I just hope she was worth it. Answer this for me?" Stepping closer, he kept his gaze level with Darrius's, his voice cool. "Was she a better fuck? Did her ass hug your dick the way mine did?" Darrius took a step back, but Jay kept

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firing the questions off. "Is she more skilled at sucking cock than I am? Did she let you pull out and cum all over her back?" Even though Jay was angry, his words harsh and voice gruff, Darrius's body reacted to the heat that radiated between them as Jay got closer. He said a silent prayer Jay wouldn't notice his semi-hard penis and struggled to hold his gaze. Not able to help himself, Darrius briefly lowered his gaze and swallowed, cursing as his penis got even harder. Focus. This isn't about sex. Even if he looks sexy as hell when he's mad. This is about getting another chance. Not fucking him. Stay focused. He stepped closer to his ex. "Or wasn't she satisfying you? Is that the reason you want me back? So I can be your little boy on the side?" Darrius was forced back into the wall behind him. "I'm better than that." Without a backward glance, or waiting on Pandora, Jay stormed out of the restaurant. "Wait," Darrius called after him, but Jay kept on walking. Sighing, he flopped down in the chair, dejected. "What do I do now?" His eyes shone with unshed tears at the realization of how hurt Jay was, his voice cracking slightly. "You can go after him, but I'd wait till he had a chance to cool off." Pandora frowned, taking a drink from the now room temperature glass of water. "Why are you really doing this, Darrius? He's strong and he'd kill me if he knew I was saying this, but he can't take another breakup. You crushed him." "I'm trying to make it up to him." "Then do that and quit hiding behind all the games and subterfuge. Admit you screwed up. Admit you shouldn't have tried to build him into something to fit your world instead of accepting him, loving him as he is." "I didn't. I only wanted him to go out every once in a while. Sometimes you have to give up being a thug and grow up. You can't run the streets forever." He blew out a breath, ran a hand over his face. "Of course, none of that matters now." Looking Pandora in the eyes, he asked, "Did I just totally screw up?" "Yes. You know he hates being lied to. It's one of the only rules he has." Pandora reached across the table, grabbed his hand, and gave a gentle squeeze. "Call him." She paused. "Have you tried apologizing?" "I was gonna do that tonight." "You should have done that first, should have done it a long time

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ago." Standing, she said, "I have to go before he leaves me." Going around to his side of the table, she gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Black is hurt, but he'll listen. Just call him, Darrius." "Why are you doing this? You should hate me, too." "I didn't say I did." Her hand on his shoulder, she looked down at him. "But I've been there. Loved and lost. And I like my life the way it is. But it's always nice to have someone you love to get in bed with." **** As Pandora thought, Black was waiting beside the car when she came out. "Was gonna leave me, weren't you?" "I thought about it." He got in after opening her door. "I'm sorry I left you, but I figured you'd follow since I'm your way home." "You're not the only one who has things to get off your chest to Mr. Darrius Stone." "You're not trying to play matchmaker again, are you?" "No." She turned in the seat, flicking on the radio. "Did you know it was him? The last caller the other night?" "No. I suspected but didn't know for sure until tonight." "Why?" "Because he called you Jay, and then by his voice. It's pretty unmistakable, no matter how hard he tries to disguise it." She leaned back in the car as they headed for the radio station. "You missed it because you're too close to it and your feelings are still raw." Black sighed. "How the fuck am I going to get through the show tonight?" "Just like you always do, one hour at a time." **** Darrius paid his bill, left an extra generous tip for the waitress for the inconvenience they'd caused, and a tip for the valet as well, and then headed home to catch Jay's show. As he waited for the show to start, Darrius decided to take a shower. Maybe the hot blast of water would help clear his head. He knew he wanted Jay back in his life, he just hadn't expected the bitterness. I don't know why not. You cheated on him with a woman, you asshole. Walking into the bathroom, he turned the shower on full blast, waiting for the room to steam up before he stripped and stepped in. The shower helped, but he was still no closer to figuring out what to do about

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Jay. Dry, lotioned, and naked, Darrius walked into the bedroom, dimming the lights and switching on the radio. The dial was permanently set to 90.5 so he didn't have to fiddle with the tuner. He pulled out a pair of black silk boxers, slipping into them before pulling the covers back and lounging on the bed. As he waited for the show to start, his mind drifted to Jay and his anger toward him. And though it was deserved, he couldn't get over his body's reaction to Jay. Of course, he'd always had that effect on him, even during the most inopportune times. Darrius smiled as he thought of the dinner party they'd gone to when Jay had given him a hand job under the table. Just thinking about it made his dick hard and sent a shiver up his spine. Stretching out fully on his back, Darrius raised his hips, pulling his boxers down and off, tossing them on the floor. Grabbing his cock in his hand, he reached in the nightstand for the lube and squirted a little on the head, placing the bottle on the bed. Darrius moaned, thinking of what it would be like to feel his cock teased with those delicious, full lips of Jay's. Closing his eyes, he could almost feel Jay's tongue swirling around his head, teasing the slit. In his mind, he pictured the look on Jay's face as he spilled hot cum into his mouth and down his throat as Jay sucked him off. "Jay," he breathed his name, voice soft but full of bass. "Fuck." His body trembled, his hard, pulsating cock stood front and center, aching for attention. Taking it in his hand, Darrius stroked the sensitive flesh. Grabbing the lube, he squeezed more over it, slowing down his rubbing. He didn't remember feeling this way before, his member rock hard and heavy in his hand. It had been a while since he'd masturbated or even allowed himself the pleasure of a cum, so he caressed his sex slower, savoring the sensations as his body tingled and came alive with desire. Hips thrusting upward as he jerked off, he caressed the head slower and slower. Then, imagining it was Jay's strong hand wrapped around his cock instead of his own, Darrius increased his pace. Moaning Jay's name again, he climaxed, body shuddering as the first spurts erupted from his dick. Gasping, he continued to stroke until he was emptied and cum stained the sheets. His cock still throbbed as he came back to himself, hearing Pandora's intro drift over the airwaves and into his room. Standing, he stripped the sheets, tossed them down the chute in the bathroom, and grabbed a towel and washrag. Quickly scrubbing his lower region again, Darrius leaned on the counter, palms

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flat, muscles taut, and dick—limp and cold—hanging. He stared at his reflection in the mirror, certain he'd drive himself crazy if he sat back and let Jay slip away without a fight. He hit the counter with his palms, a plan taking form in his mind. He'd do what Jay wanted, and call. He'd wait until he was off the air and Darrius knew he was home.

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Chapter Three The phone began to ring just as Jay was setting down the weights. Breathless and tired, he picked up the handset, his voice gruff when he answered. "Yeah." There was a pause on the line. "Hello?" More silence met his question. "Fine. I'm gonna give you exactly three seconds before I hang up." He waited. "Starting now." Nothing. "One...two..." "You were always impatient," Darrius finally spoke. "If you're busy, with someone, I can call back." "I'm alone and I wasn't busy." "Oh." Darrius paused. "You just sounded breathless." "I just got done working out. What do you want, Darrius?" "You said I could call you, to talk, so I am." "Then speak. I don't have all day. I'd like to grab a shower and some sleep." "I wanted to tell you I'm sorry." Hearing the words spoken aloud, Darrius quickly added, "I apologize for everything I did to hurt you. And I regret what I did. I'm sorry I cheated. I should have been stronger, resisted more. But above all, I hate I lied to you. It makes me mad you were hurt. I regret that most. It was never my intention." "They say you always hurt the ones you love the most. So I guess this is someone's way of letting me know you cared. I'd rather have gotten a card." "Do you hate me?" "Honestly?" "Yes. I expect nothing less from you, Jay."

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"Not anymore." Jay walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge. He took a long gulp as he waited for Darrius to respond. "I want to be a part of your life again. I would like to get us back, to be together again." "I can't do that." Jay headed into his bedroom. "Hold on." He set the phone down on top of the nightstand, then stripped off his T-shirt, gym shoes, and socks. "I'm back. I don't want to go back, not to how it was. I'm not going to put myself through that again." "Was it that bad?" "Do you really want me to answer that?" "Yes," Darrius replied. "I didn't think so. Not at first. Not until what happened. But—" Jay blew out a breath, and sat back on the bed, "I guess I was wrong. Obviously. Or you wouldn't have cheated. I just want to know why." "I don't know if I can answer that." "Take your time. I'll wait." He downed the rest of the water, tossing the bottle across the room into the trash can. "Was it something I did wrong? Didn't do?" "No. None of that. I'm not going to cop out and tell you I got scared or lonely. Though I think that played a part. Grams said I tried to sabotage us because I realized how serious it was getting and I wanted to hurt you before you hurt me. I didn't tell you the truth of things because I didn't want to face the possibility of you rejecting me." "Well, it worked." Jay laughed, but his tone remained flat and dry. "That's not why I allowed it to happen, either. I looked at her and wanted her." Darrius swallowed around the lie he'd just told. "But why her? I know you've been attracted to women before, but what made her different? Why'd you cross the line from just friends, an attraction, to fucking?" "She offered. And at the time, things were tense between us. I'd considered it and went to tell her no. I wanted you, us, to work out, try to make things work. So I invited her over to turn down her offer. She's a beautiful woman and any man would have loved to have her, just not me. She wasn't, isn't my type," he explained. And he made the decision to at least tell Jay part of the truth, so later when they were face-to-face things would be easier to explain. "I even offered to help her find someone else, someone more appropriate. But we got to talking about love, life, and possibilities, added to the fact alcohol was also involved. I don't know

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what happened. And truthfully, I took the coward's way out. There'll never be a good excuse for what I did." "So now what? You want my forgiveness? I said I didn't hate you anymore, and I meant it. I forgive you, Darrius. I just don't think I can forget." Jay got up, wanting to stretch his legs, trying not to go to that dark, angry place. "I understand." "I came home because I had gotten some fantastic news which I wanted to share with my partner, the person I was in love with. And I walked in on you, pants around your knees, dick out and stuck in some bitch's mouth. You fondling her breasts and kissing her. It made me sick. Plus you didn't even hear me come in." He paced in front of the bedroom window. "I watched as she stuck your dick in her pussy, ramming it in, slamming down on you as you pounded her with your cock. All the while, moaning and groaning." He paused again, trying to shake off the images and memories. "I wanted to kill you. I can't even recall who screamed first, me or her. I only remember pinching myself in the hopes it was all a bad dream." "Let me make it up to you. Let me help you to forget." "All it would be right now, Darrius, is sex. I'm not ready to give you what you're asking. I can't give you another chance to hurt me." "I thought you'd forgiven me." "I have. But just because I forgave you doesn't make me stupid enough to try again." Jay moved from the picture window to the bed. The dresser fell into his line of sight as he was about to sit down. A picture he'd kept of them in happier times, at a basketball game. He went to grab the frame and throw it away, but it remained stuck in his hand. His frustration came through with a growl. "Something wrong?" "No." Finally seated on the bed, the photograph haphazardly tossed on the mattress, he asked, "What's this about, Darrius? What do you want?" "You." "You had me. It didn't work out. Why won't you let it go?" "Because I want you back." "I'm not ready for anything more than a friendship." "Okay. Fine. Friends it'll be. But I hope you remember how stubborn I can be. I'm willing to wait." "What if I don't change my mind?"

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"Then I'll learn to live with that. Though it'll be hard." Darrius chuckled. "What?" "Would it surprise you if I told you I jacked off tonight? While I thought about you?" Darrius laughed. "Replaying memories, rewinding to happier times together. Remember the hand job you gave me at that one dinner party? How you stroked my cock long and slow? Making me want to knock the table over, making me want you to touch me more, stroke me harder and faster. But you refused, even though I tried to urge you." Jay could hear Darrius's breathing get more rapid. "Every time I grabbed your hand, tried to get you to squeeze just a little bit tighter, you let go." Jay smiled to himself as the memory of that night washed over him. They'd left the party, horny and hot for one other. Not being able to wait, he'd taken Darrius in the car, one of the only times they'd gone without a condom. "I remember." Jay said in a softer voice, "Are you doing it now, Dare? Are you touching yourself? Imagining it's my hand on your cock, pulling and stroking, caressing and rubbing instead of your own?" "Yes." Darrius's voice broke, came out in a whisper. "Tell me what you're doing, Dare." Jay purposely used his nickname for Darrius. "Tell me what you wish I was doing to you right now." He pulled off his shorts. "I'm standing in my room, naked, sweaty from my workout, dick hard and fully erect. Talk to me, Dare. How do you want it?" "Hard. I want it like it was that night." "Raw. Urgent. We couldn't get enough of each other, if I recall." "I know. You looked so delicious. Like a giant piece of caramel. I wanted to lick you from head to toe." "I think you did. I can still remember the feel of your lips on my cock. Sucking, playing with my balls." Jay grabbed the lube from the bottom drawer. He left the drawer partially open for easier access to his goodies and squeezed a generous amount of the lube on his dick. He slowly rubbed, spreading it all over. When he reached his balls, he fingered them, holding them in his hand, stroking. "Talk to me, Dare." "I want you. I wish you were here to suck my cock. Would you start slow? Or dive right in?" "Sometimes foreplay is overrated." Jay held his penis in his hand, a

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loose grip, just tight enough to feel the warmth and throbbing. "If I close my eyes, I can picture you lying back on the bed. Mocha skin shiny with sweat and oil. Deep, dark eyes half closed from desire. Thick lips parted, breathing erratic. Legs spread, that glorious cock of yours hard and ready for me to taste. Thick and hard and long, eight and a half inches, and then how thick you are, five inches around. You always filled me." "Jay," Darrius moaned. "Are you touching it? Alternating between slow, even strokes, rubbing from tip to the base and then pumping, furiously pistoning through a semi-closed fist, feeling skin on skin, ever-so-slight friction from the lube. Body trembling with desire, tingling, just on the brink." Jay could hear Darrius's moans through the phone. "You like that?" Jay laughed, continuing his light strokes. "Steady stroking, almost there, but I stop you, move your hands. Crawl on the bed beside you, kneeling over the head. You can feel the heat of my breath tickling the tip, slight moisture as I lean down, taking you in my mouth. Strong hands on the back of my head, you breathing harder as you fuck my mouth. In and out, licking and slurping. Then it's time, I grab your shaft, stroking, masturbating you as I suck, my tongue tickling the tip. Mmm. I bet you just love that." "Jay." Darrius's voice came in a whisper. "Then, when you're just about to erupt, I stop again to grab the lube. Slicking down my cock, hard and long, wanting to be inside you so bad. Can you feel my hands on your ass? Spreading your ass cheeks, lubing you up and getting you ready to take me in, all of me, the full ten inches. A finger inside your asshole, then another, fingering you to get you harder, pressing that one spot as the lube spreads inside. Sliding my fingers out, add a little more over your anus before I part your cheeks again. This time, the head of my dick is just touching your hole. All lubed, I slide in. Slowly, inching my way, not wanting to hurt you." "Please," Darrius said. "Hearing you beg me to go in, faster, slide in all the way. Go to that place I've been many times. You can take it." "Jay. Please." "I can feel your tight, muscular ass gripping my cock. So I pull almost all the way out and thrust back in, no remorse, the lube easing the way." Darrius's moan was the tipping point. Jay dropped the phone, the images too erotic and heated in his mind. He stroked, fast and furious,

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listening to the sounds of Darrius panting and moaning loudly over the handset. Knowing he was masturbating, too. "Yes. Ah yes." Darrius growled. "Jay." Blowing out a breath, Jay squeezed and then stroked his cock, getting off on hearing Darrius's moans get louder, aware that on the other end of the line, Darrius was cumming. A few moments passed, the only sounds their heavy breathing. Getting up, Jay went to wash and clean himself off. He turned the faucet on full so hot water streamed from the spout. The rag he'd left on the counter for the morning was the only handy thing. Cleaned up, or at least less sticky, he stared at himself in the mirror. Don't overthink what just happened. It meant nothing. It was just sex. Just about getting off. Slightly reassured, Jay nodded at his reflection and went back into the room, reached for the phone he'd dropped in the heat of the moment. "You still there? Dare?" "Yes." Darrius's voice sounded rough through the handset. "Had to clean myself up." Jay chuckled. "Me, too. Tired?" "No. I'd forgotten how good you were, how good it was." "I haven't." Jay sat up on the bed. "This is the second time I'm going to have to change my sheets tonight." Jay laughed. "I'd say I was sorry but I'd be wrong. It was good, but it would have been better if I'd been inside you." He paused, biting his lip. "Now it's my turn to propose something to you." "Uh-huh?" "I'll meet you, where you want, but on my terms." "What terms?" "I'll meet you. Just sex. Straight fucking. You've seen and heard how good we are together. I want one last fuck. Call it closing the book." There was a long pause on the other end of the phone. "Can I think about it?" Darrius finally asked. "No. It's now or never." Restless, Jay rose again, going into the closet. He grabbed a clean set of boxers and pajama bottoms before heading back into the bathroom. With the phone in one hand, he turned the spray on with the other. "So what's your answer?" Sighing, Darrius responded, "I'll do it. Your terms. Friday at the Athenaeum Suite Hotel."

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"Agreed." "I'll text you with the room info." "That's fine. I'll see you then." Jay hung up, setting the phone on the countertop. He stepped into the shower with a smile.

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Chapter Four This is all wrong. "We should be meeting over dinner, at a bar or my place, anywhere but in this hotel room," Darrius muttered as he scanned the room again, wanting it to be perfect, unassuming. Less like please take me back, more take my body and I'll make you fall in love with me. The setup wasn't moonlight and roses. And Darrius wasn't about to kid himself. He knew how Jay wanted things. Just a fuck. But to him, it was a second chance. If he could connect with Jay, get him to feel that connection, then he, they, had a fighting chance. The room was as close to perfect as he could get it. He'd splurged for one of the premium suites with the king-sized bed, marble deepsoaking Jacuzzi tub, and mini-bar. He added more personal touches by placing several flameless candles around the room. For mood music, he brought his MP3 player and speaker box. Jay was more hip-hop than R&B, so Darrius brought a bunch of hip-hop love, slow jams, and sexy groove mixes. Right now Johnny Gill was crooning softly in the background. The lights from the candles seemed to flicker to the beat. Trying not to pace, Darrius rehearsed what he wanted to say to Jay. I'm sorry didn't seem strong enough somehow, even though he was remorseful. Hey, Jay, come on in. Please don't be too rough with me. And please don't stomp all over my heart. That would probably go over real well. Come on in, I'm ready and willing to do whatever it takes to please you and get you back in my life as more than just a fuck buddy. Shaking his head, he growled softly, then sighed and sank into one of the couches. This is ridiculous. He fought the urge to call Jay and cancel. His horniness and memory of the night on the phone won out over emotional need. Darrius figured if he took care of the physical, then emotion would follow.

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Hopefully. Jay wouldn't be that cold. Or would he? Just fuck him and leave. He's hurt. You betrayed him with a woman. Don't expect this to be easy. He needed to explain. Tell him the full situation. He'd been drugged, though the drinking was by his own accord. He didn't know what he'd been doing until it was too late. It was in that moment, his release, when Jay walked in. Part of Darrius had been furious at Jay—if only he'd stayed at the conference, hung out with his friends in New York instead of rushing back. Darrius could have done something about it, made things right. Or at least less noticeable. But you've never been able to lie to him. But that secret he would have kept, until he couldn't hide it anymore. There were things that needed to be said before they started fucking. Or they might remain unsaid forever. Like how you have a two-year-old son. The one who didn't want children was now a father. Ironic, sure, but Darrius had always felt God had a sense of humor. Jay would be hurt, maybe even furious. This time his anger would be a good thing. If he was angry, it meant he still felt something. If he was nonchalant, unfeeling, then he'd moved past what they'd shared. That meant he still had feelings, if Darrius could still get him angry. And even if it was a cliché, Jay was sexy as hell when he was mad. The knock on the suite door interrupted his thoughts. Taking a deep breath, Darrius exhaled and went to open the door. "Hi." As Jay passed, the woodsy, musky aroma of his cologne floated up to Darrius's nostrils. Deep breaths filtered the smell to his brain and into his senses, and he clenched his fists to keep from reaching out to him. Jay had a few inches on Darrius, so he tilted his head back slightly in an attempt to catch his eye and another whiff of the heavenly, earthy scent he wore. "Hey." Jay moved past him and into the room, setting his bag just inside the bedroom door. "Nice digs, but you didn't have to go all out. The EZ Rest or another motel would have done just as well. This isn't about romance, Darrius. You know that, right? It's just sex." "Yes. But I wanted it to be nice. Not some back alley or no-tell

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motel encounter." "Mmm-hmm." Jay went to sit on one of the couches. "So you wanna get down to business?" "You're making this sound like a sex buy. Can we at least talk? Before we get straight to fuckin'?" "Why? What is there to talk about, Darrius?" "I liked when you called me Dare the other night." "That was a slip of the tongue." "Still...it was nice." "Don't read too much into it, babe. It's just a word." "You used to call me that a lot. In and out of bed." "That was then. If you got me here just to talk, then I'm out. I didn't come to talk. The only way I had planned on using my mouth was on sucking you off." "Why are you in such a rush?" Darrius moved over to the couch, sitting next to Jay. He put his hand on his knee. "Are you trying to stop from thinking about us? How good we were together? Do you think if you just come in, screw, and leave that it'll make the pain go away? That it'll be just what you need to get over me?" His hand went up to Jay's thigh. "Us?" Darrius began tracing wide circles on his thigh. "That after a fuck, or two," he smiled, "it'll be the magical cure." He laughed, tracing higher and higher. "I don't think it works that way." Or at least I hope it doesn't, or I'm screwed, both literally and figuratively. He licked his lips, his fingers on the brink between Jay's thigh and his rapidly hardening cock. "Or are you just that horny?" His hand was on Jay's cock now, lightly stroking through the denim. "I..." Jay grabbed Darrius's hand, stopped his rubbing. "But this is how you wanted it." Darrius leaned in, a hand going to the back of Jay's head and pulling him in for a kiss. He pushed them back on the couch. Their bodies inclined, pressed together in a slightly uncomfortable, ill-fitted position. Lips pressed hard against their mates, Darrius hungrily attacked Jay's mouth. Savoring the sweetness he found there, he rocked his hips so their rapidly hardening and expanding members were pressed together. The moans of heated passions and long-denied desires filled the suite of rooms. The next kisses were hard, rough, and uncaring. This wasn't their normal routine. Usually they took things slower, more languidly into lovemaking. But lust and desire took over from logic and reason.

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Tongues darted in and out of wet, warm mouths. Darrius shifted, angling his body more into Jay's, getting even closer still. He slipped his tongue past his lips again, but this time Jay captured it, sucking on it. Darrius moaned, rolling his hips, thrusting his erection against Jay's. His hands fumbled down, pushing clothes out the way, gripped Jay's waistband. Trying to maintain the sensuous lip lock, he faltered with opening the button and zipper. He felt hands at his waist furiously working the button and zipper on his own pants. Darrius batted Jay's hand away, concentrating on the body in front of him, getting Jay naked enough to fuck at the forefront of his mind. They eyed each other, giving the bodies they had not seen in so long the once-over. Darrius's breath caught in his throat as he waited for a signal from Jay to go on. Jay scanned Darrius's body, still clothed but the outline of his hardened cock evident through his trousers. His attention remained there, studying the hard member, thick and long and waiting for attention. He reached for it but Darrius stepped back. His eyes remained on Jay's body, drinking in the broad shoulders, six pack and beautiful eight-and-a-half-inch-long, thick cock. He grabbed Jay's cock roughly before dropping to his knees and taking him in his mouth. He licked at the tip, already leaking pre-cum, tasting the liquid before sucking him in all the way. Pulling back, he sucked slowly, nibbling at the thick ridge below. His tongue darted out, flicking at the sensitive head, tickling the slit. Mouth full, he smiled as Jay moaned. Jay's hands grabbed at the back of Darrius's head and his hips arched, thrusting his cock, urging it further. Darrius pulled back, resting on his heels, his gaze lifted, eyes bright, glossy with need, heated with desire. Their eyes locked, held for a brief moment, but it was all Darrius needed to proceed. He dove back down, taking him in more and more as Jay rocked his hips, fucking Darrius's mouth. Circling his lips, Darrius allowed Jay a moment of control, delighting and getting lost in the sensations and feelings erupting throughout his body before he took back over. Moving up and down Jay's shaft, squeezing and swirling the head with his tongue, he felt Jay thicken, tense against his tongue, and increased his movement, knowing Jay was close to full release. Jay gripped his head, calling out his name with a moan. "Dare." Darrius stopped, standing this time. He went over to his bag, searching through it for protection.

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His actions—reaching for the condom and holding it up with a smile when he turned to look at Jay—caused the sex fog that had been clouding Jay's brain to shift. Jay found his voice just as Darrius went to rip into the foil packet. He wanted to call out for him to stop. It shouldn't be this way. But lust won over logic again. "You have on too many clothes." Jay switched positions, pushing Darrius back on the couch. Undoing the clasp on Darrius's trousers, grabbing his cock. Jay kneeled in front of him, opening the zipper all the way. He quickly got rid of Darrius's shoes and socks. "You got a pedicure?" Darrius nodded. Jay grabbed the pants, tugging them and his boxers down and off, Darrius assisting by lifting his hips. Jay ran his hands up Darrius's thighs, stopping at the end of his shirt. He grabbed the tails and yanked it open. "I'll spring for a new one if you didn't pack another," he muttered before leaning up, taking one nipple in his mouth. He bit, then licked, and moved to the other, flicking it with his tongue and biting gently. One of Jay's hands found Darrius's cock, while the other played with the free nipple. **** Grasping Darrius's large member in his hand, Jay played with the large vein and balls, stroking with feather touches, delighting when he got harder. He rubbed the head of Darrius's cock. Pre-cum glistened on the swollen head. As he smeared it in, Jay's breathing caught and a shiver of desire raced through him heading straight for his dick. Easing out a breath, he undid the button of his jeans, his cock pressing against the zippered restraint. Jay stripped off the rest of his clothes, leaving them in a pile on the floor. "No underwear," Darrius murmured, approval evident in his voice. "Easier this way." Jay grabbed Darrius's hand and pulled him up from the couch, pulling him behind him, naked into the bedroom. "Lie back," Jay ordered. He grabbed his duffel bag, setting it on the dresser. He removed four things—lube, a dildo, and two rolls of condoms, flavored and unflavored. He coated the dildo with lube and slid his oiled fingers into Darrius's ass. Jay forced himself to go slow, stretching the tight hole. He wanted to ask the last time he'd been with someone, a man, but kept his question to himself.

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It wasn't his business anymore. "I don't want your fingers inside me. I want you," Darrius moaned. Jay ignored him, continuing his probing touch, pressing deeper. He stroked the inside of Darrius's thigh with light, feather touches. His fingers grazed Darrius's erection, spreading pre-cum on the swollen head. He replaced his fingers with the lubed dildo. Keeping his pace slow, Jay eased the toy in. His eyes closed briefly as desire washed over him, going straight to his cock, making it harder as he probed and stroked Darrius's ass. He alternated pulling the toy out and pushing it in with slow, even, deliberate strokes. Each thrust forward, his hips followed in simulation, his mind filled with images of him entering Darrius's ass and rubbing his butt cheeks. Withdrawing the toy, he tightened his grip on Darrius's hips before moving the dildo in a circular motion. "You like that?" he growled, low and deep, in his ear. "Mmm-hmm." "Is this what you want? A thick, long, hard dick up your ass, giving you pleasure? Making you hard?" He pulled the dildo all the way out. A groan fueled by passion and arousal sounded through the room. Darrius's ass thrust backward, seeking the device that had just filled it. Jay eased the toy back in, pushing it in all the way. "Longing to be touched?" He used his free hand to caress his partner's back, across his back and shoulders, around the front, hovering just above his cock. But not going any further. "Wanting to cum but wanting that satisfaction, too?" He drove the dildo in and out, going faster with each forward stroke. "When your body's all tied up in knots, torn between desire, need, and undying animalistic instincts?" Darrius made another noise that was somewhere between a moan and a growl. "Want someone to suck on your hard cock? Bring you off and make you cum? Want me to touch it?" Darrius nodded emphatically. Jay moaned in his ear, licking the lobe and nibbling, pressing his body into Darrius's. He stroked a few more times, this time using slower movements before stopping and removing the toy completely. Grabbing his lover's ass, Jay kneeled, kneading the cheeks. He nipped at the honey orbs with his mouth, lightly biting, then laving with his tongue. Parting

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Darrius's cheeks, Jay inserted his tongue. His grip tightened on the firm glute muscles. From the top of the crease, he licked up, then down before circling the hole and sticking his tongue in. Darrius wiggled against him, and he held on tight as he manipulated his ass with his tongue. With one final lick, satisfied that his lover was fully prepared and ready, Jay stood, giving Darrius's booty a final squeeze. Darrius's pleasure-induced moans filled the room and sent shivers up Jay's spine, and his own erection became unbearably hard, longing to be stroked. Grabbing an unflavored condom from the roll on the bed, Jay sheathed himself. Squeezing more lube on the condom and an ample amount on Darrius, Jay eased into Darrius's tight hole. He stilled for a moment. He needed time to adjust to the wave of feelings pouring over and through his body before he exploded from desire. Taking his time, he savored the feeling of their bodies pressed together, getting used to the feel of Darrius's ass cheeks clenched around his cock again. Jay straightened one of Darrius's legs, nipping the tender flesh of his inside thigh. His hands glided down the front of Darrius's legs to his hips and held on tightly. A murmur of sensuous desire escaped his lips. Jay watched Darrius grab his own cock, pulling and stroking as he pounded in and out of him. Darrius moaned, squirming and rotating his tight, muscular ass, rocking his hips against Jay's cock. Jay pushed his legs apart, and a visceral moan escaped his lips as he watched himself moving in and out of Darrius's ass. "Fuck me," Darrius ordered. Rhythm increased, Jay covered Darrius's hand with his own, stroking him. His grip firm, their fingers intertwined, caressing in a backand-forth movement. Darrius's hips pushed forward instinctively. Jay pumped, thrusting harder and faster. His hands gripping Darrius's hips, fingers pressing into his flesh, he slammed into him, eliciting the response he wanted. A guttural moan resounded from deep inside Darrius. His focus shifted from pure pleasure to erotic release, pain mixed with desire creating passion-filled trembles. It was about the connection, skin on skin, body pressed against sweaty body. There was no time for words. It had gone beyond words, past sex and straight to fucking. Only the breathless pants, moans of passion, and cries of desire could be heard throughout the room. Jay drove deeper and deeper inside Darrius's ass until all ten inches

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had disappeared, drawing his hips back and then slamming forward again, plunging his cock in deeper and pulling out almost all the way, over and over. He thought he heard Darrius beg him to cum, but his thoughts focused on fucking his ass, his balls slapping his ass cheeks, pumping his hips as Darrius worked his ass to get more, get closer for Jay to go deeper. He wrapped his legs around Jay's waist, cinching the connection and making it complete. Jay couldn't help the groan that escaped. His thrusting got harder, more forceful, and his hips powered the thrust forward as he plunged his cock in and out of the tight hole. The bed squeaked, moans escaped, and skin slapped against skin back and forth, up and down. The grunting got louder; soon it sounded like two bears in the room. Darrius begged earnestly to be fucked harder, deeper. Jay obliged, giving his lover what he wanted. Grabbing Darrius's stiff erection, he pulled and jerked him off as he himself released into the rubber. When they both recovered, laid out naked on the bed, side by side, panting for breath, Darrius spoke again. "I missed this." Jay managed an almost imperceptible nod. "This was just sex." Darrius's eyes darkened with a fire of anger that Jay had never witnessed before. Darrius was the calm and rational one, always organized and in control. "You know, Jay, you keep saying that. But who are you really trying to convince?" He leaned up on his elbow. "Me or you?" "Neither." Jay sat up on the side of the bed, looking back at him. "I can't do this again. I can't be with you and not think of that night." "Were you thinking of that night just now?" "No." "Then why can't you do it?" Darrius blew out a breath. "Or maybe you don't want to." "That's what I've been saying." "Fine. So forgive me for wanting a bit of hope. Since it's obvious you don't want this, leave. I want you, Jay, in my life, not just in my bed. But I'm not going to beg you for that privilege. I'm not going to keep you here against your will. So leave, get the fuck out. I'm sorry I wasted your time and mine. And I'm sorry I wanted to reconnect, get back what we had. I was wrong." Stalking over to the bedroom door, he stood, still naked, holding it open. "I wish you were able to get past the hurt, but if you can't, this is

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never gonna work. I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life with you making up for my mistakes." His eyes searched Jay's face for some semblance of forgiveness. His heart sank at the knowledge that the only thing looking back was hurt, not remembrance of what they'd shared. He slumped against the wall, the door the only support. "I'm tired of apologizing. Just go." "God, you are so damn dramatic," Jay growled, rolling his eyes and sitting on the bed. Darrius laughed. "Well, it worked this time." Sinking onto the bed, he turned toward him. "But for real, if you don't want this—" he gestured his hand between them, "—us, I can understand. I just want you to do me one favor before you go." "What's that?" Jay turned so they were seated face-to-face. "Make love to me, one last time." **** Jay leaned forward, bringing their lips together in a soft, hesitant kiss. "What was that for?" "I wanted to apologize for earlier. I shouldn't have been so rough. I just..." "You wanted to show me how good you were, what I was missing out on. You were trying to prove a point." "Something like that." "I think you've forgotten how well I know you." Reaching out, Darrius traced a finger around Jay's exposed nipple. "Truthfully, though, I kinda liked it. It was hot, exciting and different. You've never been so bold with me. I'm usually the one who has to make the first move, be the aggressor." He paused. "You ate yet?" Jay's gaze drifted downward, roaming Darrius's body before coming to rest on his flaccid penis. "I meant food." Darrius laughed. "At least that hasn't changed. You still have a one-track mind when it comes to sex." "I enjoy sex, and it's been a while since I've been with anybody but my palm." And then Jay asked the one question he really wanted to know. "What about you?" "Have I...?" Jay nodded. "I tried. It wasn't like boys in the back room, but it wasn't sex or even fucking. It was about the release. About getting off, cumming."

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"So what makes this different?" "You." Darrius stood, walking across the room to stave off the restlessness that his confession was eliciting. "That was about forgetting. This was about remembering." Jay nodded, watching Darrius fidget with the comforter, smoothing it out over and over again, his thick honey-toned fingers contrasting with the royal blue of the spread. He bit back a smile. It was cute. A word he'd never use to describe Darrius. Neither was the word "timid." But that's exactly how he appeared. Darrius sat near the edge of the bed with his broad shoulders hunched, coffee eyes dull and dim, smile missing from those gorgeous, full lips. Jay wanted to take the pain away. Jay stood before him kissing him once more. This one was slightly more intense than the last. It said so much in such a simple, delicate gesture. The kiss was sweet, passionate, and full of promise. Jay leaned down, stretched out his arm, cupping Darrius's cheek. The pad of his thumb stroked his bottom lip. Darrius's tongue darted out, teasing the tip. "Slide back. Lie down." Darrius did as he was commanded. "You are absolutely gorgeous." Jay ran his hands up Darrius's legs, tracing over thick calves, gliding over smooth knees and up strong thighs. As he hands moved, so did his body, crawling up over Darrius until they were again face-to-face. Looking at the space between them, he could see their penises resting, semierect, next to each other. "Tell me what you want me to do." Darrius closed his eyes for a moment. "I want to make love to you." He placed his hands on Jay's chest. "I want to lick you from head to toe before bringing you off with my mouth. Then I want to fuck you, take you and love you while stroking your dick as I take you with mine." "Do it," Jay moaned, voice husky and full, eyes darkened by lust. Kissing him hard, full on the lips, Darrius pulled back and said, "I want one more night. If this is going to be our last time together, then I want it to end on a high." "One night," Jay whispered back, nodding as he pulled Darrius in for another kiss. **** Jay relaxed on the bed, displaying himself for Darrius as if he were a dark-chocolate-covered treat.

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Darrius didn't know where to start. Jay lay before him, hard and ready to be touched. His breathing sped up as he leaned closer. His mind and body wrestled with the dilemma of pleasure and passion over emotional needs. He was engaged in a classic battle with himself. He resisted the part of himself, his brain that told him he should stop and send Jay home. The doubtful part that said he should let go and move on. That's when the other part, his heart, responded. How? Why? Love was not an easy road, but it was definitely worth fighting for. He just hoped Jay felt the same and it wasn't just revenge. Darrius knew sex wasn't a solution to the problems between them, but he hoped it would forge a bridge to the right path. Now the question was where to start. He'd hoped to take advantage of the Jacuzzi. Darrius smiled, slow and sexy. "What's that smile for?" "Nothing. Just thinkin' of what I'm going to do to you later." His eyes darkened with desire as a plan of seduction formed in his mind. Going over to his bag, Darrius took out a bottle of massage oil. It was a sensual, spicy blend he'd had created just for the night, for Jay. Putting the bottle back inside the bag, he figured he would use it later if he could get Jay to stay the whole weekend and grabbed the lube instead. Fondling the head of his lover's cock as he smeared the lube, using firm strokes, Darrius caressed Jay's cock, paying particular attention to the head. Looking Jay in the eyes, Darrius watched Jay as he watched himself being stroked and fondled. Darrius moved higher on the bed, pushing Jay's legs farther apart, settling between them. He gripped his own hardening cock as he still held Jay's, rubbing them together. He didn't want things to end just yet. If he continued his manipulations, he knew he'd be cumming soon. And this was about making love to Jay, not just getting his rocks off. His large hands, mysterious in their warmth and softness, began stroking Jay's cock. Strong fingers gripped the base, tugging, slowly creeping upward until they reached the swollen head of Jay's dick and squeezed. The pad of an index finger tickled along the slit, rubbing the bulbous head, teasing out more pre-cum to coat his shaft in silky wetness. He continued caressing, swirling, and squeezing in nonstop, unbroken strokes. Then Darrius pressed a single digit against Jay's perineum, pulling

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away before returning to tempt and tease Jay's hole. Withdrawal brought about a stunned, empty moan, leaving the tightmuscled ring waited to be filled once more. One finger became two and eased the ache of need, pushing inside to the first knuckle. Jay bucked against the pressure. His hole stretched, manipulated by skillful digits, pressing deeper still until they reached the second knuckle. Unable to remain quiet any longer, Jay let out a low noise sparked by arousal, a moan that resounded throughout the room. Darrius stopped to grab protection, squeezing a generous amount of lube on the condom. He squeezed even more on Jay's anus before finding the crack of his ass with the tip of his cock. One hand on Jay's shoulder, the other on his hip, Darrius pressed forward, easing his cock inside Jay, moving past the ring of muscle with minimal effort. With Darrius halfway in, Jay growled low and deep in his throat, "Fuck me." He rocked his hips, thrusting backward so that he could take more of his shaft. Darrius gripped Jay's hips. With a thrust forward he was all in, buried deep inside. He started to move. In. Out. In. Out. Over and over again. He nipped at his partner's neck, biting soft kisses and laving the spots with his tongue. With every forward stroke, the tight muscles of Jay's ass gripped his cock. Pleasure mixed with pain until the feelings were indistinguishable from each other. They didn't speak. No words were needed or possible. Only the sounds of grunts, moans, and pleasurable half-sighs could be heard throughout the suite. The more Jay moaned, the faster Darrius pumped and the tighter Jay's grip on his hips became. Reaching around, Darrius grasped Jay's dick, stroking the rock-hard erection as he moved inside him. Frantic strokes met more moans. Jay wiggled his ass, pushing back as Darrius drove forward. "Fuck. So good. So deep." Jay cried out when Darrius's cock pressed against his prostate. "I'm gonna...cum. Fuck me, baby...faster." A spray of sticky, salty fluid erupted onto Darrius's hand. "Oh yeah." That was the final piece to push Darrius over the edge as Jay's cum spurted through his fingers. Each spurt of fluid mimicked his own, his

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strokes increasing in speed. Grabbing Jay's hips tighter, he thrust forward, holding Jay tight against him as his semen emptied inside the Latex rubber. They remained pressed together until the trembles stopped and their breathing returned to normal. Biting his tongue, Darrius kept the three words he wanted to say to himself, kissing the middle of Jay's back instead.

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Chapter Five When Jay woke up the next morning, he was alone in bed. He frowned, looking around the room. Darrius had straightened up. It was as if he'd never been there. But Jay knew it hadn't been a dream. He remembered every moment of the previous night's events. But still his mind held on to one nagging thought: Why do you care if you're alone? This is what you wanted. Just sex. Slumping into the mattress, he pulled the covers over his head. This was what he wanted, but he'd never expected Darrius to be able to go through with it. Ignoring the thoughts roaming around in his head and the tinge of pain in his heart, Jay lay still. But he was unable to stop the smile that spread across his lips when he heard the click of the main door. "So are we just gonna lie around all day?" Dressed in a robe, Darrius wheeled a room service cart in. "Or are you gonna get up and get dressed?" The aroma of bacon, waffles, and maple syrup wafted over to Jay, and his stomach growled in response. He spied a carafe of coffee and two mugs full of cream and sugar packets. But the surprising addition to the table was a handful of hazelnut-flavored creamer singles, his favorite. He sat up in the bed but otherwise didn't move. "I didn't realize breakfast was part of the bargain." "We have to eat. Plus I was hoping it would entice you to stay the entire weekend with me." The request took Jay by surprise. Not that Darrius had asked, but that he'd gotten so comfortable so quickly and forgotten this wasn't one of their weekend getaways. "I kinda like lounging around all day. I have everything I need right here." He winked. "A big bed, a hard cock, and someplace to put it." **** Darrius's hand shook slightly as he poured a cup of coffee, carefully adding four creams and two sugars. "I was hoping we could do

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something besides sex." He took a long drink and waited for some form of acknowledgment from Jay. Getting none, he set the mug down and pressed on. "There's plenty we can get into downtown. There's that restaurant I've always wanted to try. Since we're so close to Greektown, we could hit the casino. Or Marilyn's. Or go next door to Fishbone's." His ramblings were met with a noncommittal grunt this time. Taking the grunt as a maybe, Darrius continued his rambling. "Maybe a jazz concert or walk around Hart Plaza? We could go to Chene Park. I think they're still having the free weekend concert series. Or go to Belle Isle and sit and talk. Or if you'd rather, we could hit one of the clubs, your preference. It won't take me that long to shower and dress. We could make a day of it, almost like old times." "Sharing you with a bunch of strangers isn't what I had in mind. I figured we could have our own private party right here." Jay patted the bed. Darrius nodded. "Mmm-hmm. So this is just sex? You won't even consider going out? Leaving the room?" His voice began to raise. "So should I just strip now?" "What is wrong with you?" Jay sat up fully. "This was your idea." "I know, but I had hoped we could go out. Talk. Get reacquainted." "That wasn't part of the plan. The deal was for sex." "Why don't you want to be seen with me in public?" "This has nothing to do with being seen with you in public. It's about you trying to control things again. I don't want to go out. I want to fuck. Not dance and..." He got up, grabbed his clothes. "I'm going to take a shower." **** The bathroom door shut with a slam. Darrius sank onto the bed with a sigh. He knew he shouldn't have pressed Jay. But he got caught up in the moment and feelings. It had been just like old times—familiar, comforting, and solid. But this was about getting Jay to forgive him and give them another chance. Shaking his head, he got up and went over to the bathroom door. Hand on the knob, he paused, his heart telling him to turn the handle while his head argued for him to turn and walk away. He closed his eyes, hoping he was doing the right thing. If Jay wanted sex only, no emotions and no strings attached, that's what he was gonna give him. No matter how much he wanted to give him more.

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When Jay reemerged, dressed, Darrius took action, pushing him into one of the room's chairs he'd set up. "What are you doing?" "Giving you what you want, Black. No emotions, no-holds-barred sex." On his knees, Darrius unbuttoned and then tugged down the zipper to Jay's jeans. He reached for his waist but stopped himself, settling back on his heels. Running a hand over his face, he released a frustrated groan and stood. "I'm not going to do this. I...can't." "What's wrong?" "I just realized that I don't have to work this hard. No, scratch that. I shouldn't have to work this hard just to get you to love me. For you to take me back. It's insane. Do you realize what I was just about to do? Just to prove to you I could play by your rules?" "This is how it has to be." "Then I'm afraid this isn't going to work. I've tried to convince myself a just sexual relationship would be okay. He'll come around." He moved to the dresser, perched on the edge. He looked over in Jay's direction but his eyes held a hard, cold edge. "But you're not, are you? You're not going to come around. It's been a day. You've known I've been back a week or so. Yet you haven't asked once about my life. What I've been up to. How or what I've been doing." He laughed, but it was hollow, full of unspoken pain instead of joy. "But then I understood something: You didn't ask because you don't care. This is just about sex and getting off." "That's not true." Jay straightened in his chair. His gaze drifted down. Awareness dawned in his eyes and he hurried to zip and button his jeans. "Bullshit." "Why?" "Because you're lying. You can't look me in the eyes. I'm willing to bet you came here hoping to sex me up real good. To get me so hot and bothered, I'd be begging for it. Work me into a sexual stupor and get me addicted to your cock. Then walk away, leaving me panting and wanting, hurt like I hurt you. It'll be the sweetest revenge of all." "I don't have to explain myself to you. And I'm not going to get into this with you." Jay stood suddenly. The chair hit the wall with a dull thud.

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"Why? What are you afraid of? Why won't you just talk to me? We used to be able to do that, once upon a time," Darrius pressed, sitting up straighter, crossing his legs at the ankles. His hands gripped the dresser. "This is meaningless." Jay tugged at his jeans and straightened his shirt. He concentrated on making sure his appearance was as it had been when he exited the shower. Eyes averted, he worked at the task of smoothing away the imaginary wrinkles. "So you're leaving?" "I got what I came for. I've been nothing but honest from the start." "Why is it so hard for you to admit what you're feeling?" Darrius stood. Going over to his lover, he reached for him. The push was expected. But it still stung. "This was just about sex. Me getting off and going home, which is what I'm about to do." "If you leave, there's no coming back. We have a chance to make things right, get back what we shared." "There's nothing to make right. It was over as soon as you slept with someone else." "I..." "I don't know if I can forget what you did. If I can forget that moment when I walked in, the pain was..." Jay turned, his body angled toward Darrius. "Was overwhelming. I haven't moved past that part yet." "So you've forgiven me?" "Yes." "But..." "Don't read more into my forgiveness than it is. I forgive you for myself. I forgave out of respect for what we shared. I didn't do it for you. I did it because I couldn't move on, not realistically, if I was still holding on to that hate." "But isn't that what you're doing?" "I don't hate you, Dare. But I can't trust you." Sighing, he leaned against the dresser, gripping the edge. "I can't let you back in. It hurts too much when you leave, when you walk away." "I didn't walk out. You threw me out. I tried to explain, but then I figured I'd give you some time to cool down." Jay nodded. "That may be, but you didn't fight to stay." "At the time, I didn't see a future." "And what changed? There were no pretty boys or willing men for you to play with? Why are you back now?"

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"I screwed up. I admit that." "Why did you come back, Darrius?" Jay's voice was strong, emphasizing each syllable in each word. "Because I got a wake-up call. I missed you. I missed Detroit. My family, the ones who I still talk to. I never really left, though. I just moved away to get distance, moved closer to work so I wouldn't have to see all the reminders from the past. But I realized I was running away, hiding." He chuckled. "A good friend pointed that out, so I came back. Came home to work through my past mistakes and get back what I was missing." He paused. "You." "That's a part of the process of breaking up. You're going to miss the other person. But that's still not reason enough to try again." "I realized I need you in my life. I came to get you back." Jay snorted a laugh. "I knew it wouldn't be easy. I knew you would make me crawl, beg, yell, scream, and fight for us. But I didn't expect this." "What you expected was for me to just fall back into your arms. To make things easy." "I never expected easy, Jay. Things were never easy between us." Jay nodded, laughed. "Maybe that should have been our first clue that this wasn't going to work out." "I don't want easy, Jay. I want you." "That makes absolutely no sense." "Easy is boring. Easy is no fun. Easy is safe." "Easy is when you're comfortable within yourself and your relationship. You know your partner so well that you can and sometimes do finish each other's sentences. You can feel when that person walks into a room. He is your best friend." Darrius remained silent, letting Jay unravel and reveal his feelings. His only movement was from the dresser to the bed. "If it was so easy to break us down, break us apart, then maybe we didn't have a true relationship in the first place." "So all that we went through and meant to each other was fake?" "No. It just wasn't real." Darrius closed his eyes briefly. "I think I need to get dressed." He went into the bathroom, clothes in hand. Soon Jay could hear the shower on full blast. He shook his head. He hadn't meant to say what he did. Too much time had passed to make things right. It would be better, easier if he left. Grabbing his bag, he

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shoved the other clothes inside. Sighing, he took one last look around the room. He was at the door when Darrius came out, a towel wrapped around his waist, another in his hand. His clothes were visible, folded neatly on the sink counter. "Leaving?" Jay nodded, dropping his bag. He walked over to where Darrius stood by the bed, still naked, penis limp and hanging, drying off. Darrius got his lotion and toothbrush from his bag, turning to go back into the bathroom. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry." "Me, too," Jay admitted, keeping his voice low and tone even. After a brief hug, Jay turned and started to walk away. "So who's not willing to fight for us now?" Darrius's voice was harsh and loud. "You can't just walk away. And if you want honest, you're the one who walked away, Black. You left long before I did." Darrius growled, ran a hand over his face. "I'm standing here, naked, mind you, willing to fight for us. But it's you who are running this time. And another thing, if this was just about sex, you wouldn't have to keep telling yourself that. It would have been obvious." He stepped closer, reaching out to touch him, but dropping his hand before the contact was made. "Something happened in this room, between us, and it wasn't just sex. And I think you felt it, too. I think that's why you're scared to take the next step. That's why you're trying your damndest to get out of here, away from me, away from us." Reaching out again, Darrius touched Jay's chin, turning his face so their eyes met. Their eyes locked, neither turning away. "Why won't you admit it?" "Because this," Jay gestured between the two of them, "is wrong. We shouldn't be here. Like this. We should be at home, making love in our bed. Or on some beach in Puerto Rico. Dancing in Paris. But instead we're in a fucking hotel room fucking because I wasn't enough for you. I want the truth. I want to be able to move on with no regrets." "Is that what you think? That you weren't enough?" All the air went out of Darrius and he fell back onto the bed. He blew out a breath, head hung and eyes downcast. "I'm so sorry." His voice cracked on the emotion. "It... There..." He shook his head, gaze raised but hidden beneath hooded lashes. "You were more than enough. You were too much. I couldn't breathe. I needed some space, time." Jay laughed, but it was harsh, hollow, and filled with pain, hurt, and

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hate. The sound wasn't pleasant to Darrius's ears. His heart clenched, tightening in his chest, creating a shortness of breath. "That's bullshit, man. You were supposed to be mine. Hell, you're Mr. Communication. So why the fuck didn't you come to me? We could have talked it out. Don't you think things got hard for me? Don't you think that I got scared, too? But the difference between us is I did what I was supposed to do. I went to the person who meant the world to me. I went to the person who was not just my lover, but my best fucking friend. I went to you." Darrius knew they needed to do this, to air out all the dirty laundry in order to sort through it, work through it and move on. "Do you regret it? Sleeping with her?" "I never should have put myself in that position. And I would give anything to take that night away." He paused, the statement sinking in fully. He shook his head. "Actually, that's a lie. Something good, great came out of that night. I regret that you got hurt, but not the end result. I can't." "What's that? Is she still in your life?" "Yes. She has to be." "Why?" Jay stepped away from Darrius. "We have a son." "Huh?" Jay shook his head, thinking he hadn't heard Darrius correctly. "I have a son. He's two, and possibly the smartest two-year-old I know." Jay sat down on the bed, his shoulders shaking as he went into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. "My God, this is ironic. You have a son." "Yeah." Darrius nodded. Going over to his pants, he got out his wallet, pulled out a picture. He sat down gingerly on the edge of the bed, unsure of what Jay's response would be. Hesitant, he held the picture out to Jay. Jay took the photo, glancing down at the smiling little boy who was a miniature version of Darrius. "How?" "I'm not going to make excuses. I've forgiven Natalie for what she did. What happened, happened, and now we have Terrence as the result." "He looks just like you." Jay's voice came out quiet and unsure. Darrius smiled. "He's a great kid. I want you to meet him. If you want, when you're ready." Jay nodded but remained silent.

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"Look, Jay, I apologize that you're hurting. I'm sorry that I had a hand in hurting you." "You lied to me again. You should have told me this the other night," Jay growled. "Would you be here if I had?" "No," Jay responded with honesty. "Even if I wanted to, I have no place in your life." "There's room for you and Terrence in my life, Jay. He doesn't change things." "Probably not. But you never wanted kids or a family, Darrius. At least, not with me." "I was scared. You scared me, Jay. I didn't know how to react to all the feelings I was suddenly experiencing. I'd never felt like that before." "So because you were scared, you slept with her." "It wasn't like that exactly." "Then tell me how it was," Jay said. "You say you want a relationship with me, you want us back?" Darrius nodded. "Then start by telling me the truth. Don't sugarcoat things or dance around them like I'm a child. If you won't give me the respect or decency to tell me the truth, then there's no hope." "It just happened. Can't you leave it at that?" "Why won't you tell me?" "Because it sounds stupid and farfetched, and if I were you, I wouldn't believe me." "Give me the chance to decide for myself." Darrius sighed, shaking his head. "I can't do this naked." "I understand because even soft, it's a distraction." Jay nodded toward his penis. "Why don't I get dressed and we go downstairs to Fishbone's or across the street to Marilyn's to talk?" "I didn't bring any other clothes besides the extra set in my bag," Jay explained. "We could order room service. Sit in the main area and talk?" Darrius nodded, his lips pursed in a tight smile. "I'll be out in a moment." **** When Darrius came into the front room, Jay was just getting off the phone and the TV was on but the volume was turned down low. "It'll be up in fifteen minutes."

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"So how do you want to do this? Do you want me to start? Or do you want to?" Darrius asked. He sat across the room from Jay on the love seat. "I just don't understand. I know that you dated women in the past, before us, before you fully accepted who you are. But I thought that was behind you. You told me that was behind you." "It was. It is." "Then please explain to me how you ended up sleeping with her." "I—" Darrius began to explain but was interrupted by his cell phone, which was sitting on one of the end tables. Grabbing the phone, he glanced at the caller ID, even though the ring tone alerted him to who it was. "Excuse me, I have to get this." With a deep breath, he answered. "Darrius, I'm sorry for calling. And I know it's my fault that you're there, trying to get things back right with Jay. Did you guys at least get to talk? Does he understand? And I know I said I wouldn't call unless it was important, but..." "Nat, you're rambling. Take a deep breath, exhale slowly, and then tell me what's going on. Is it Terrence?" "Yes. You know he got that little cold from day care? It seemed to be getting worse so I called the pediatrician. And she said to bring him to the hospital. We're at Children's right now." "Okay." Darrius looked around for his wallet and his keys, grabbing them off the table and stuffing them in his pocket. "We're..." He growled in frustration. "I'm not that far from there. I'm on my way." Jay stood up as Darrius ended his phone call. He could see his hands shaking, and the controlled, even breaths he was taking to calm himself down weren't working. "I'm sorry. I gotta go. Terrence was just admitted to Children's. I gotta go." Darrius's words came out in a rush of emotions as he brushed past Jay. "Did you want me to come with?" Darrius paused by the door. He looked down at the floor before raising his gaze to Jay's face. "I would love for you to come, but you don't have to. I'd understand if it was too much, given the circumstances." "Consider this the first step toward friendship." Darrius smiled, the corners of his lips tugged up briefly before returning to a hard, set line.

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Chapter Six Jay followed behind Darrius, his hands in his pockets as they approached Terrance's room. He cleared his throat. "I'll be in the waiting room." He tried flipping through a magazine but the words began to blur the second time through the outdated periodical. Pulling out his phone, Jay sent an SOS text to Pandora. At Children's Hosp w/ Dare. Need 411 and advice. As expected, less than five minutes later he got a return text ordering him to meet her in the main lobby to talk. With a quick word to the nurse at the desk to let Darrius know he'd be back, Jay went downstairs. He was standing by the gift shop when Pandora came in dressed in a shimmery silver babydoll top and tight designer skinny jeans with denim and silver stilettos. "Did I disturb something?" "Nah. Always got time for a friend. So tell me why we’re here?" "Because the woman that he slept with got pregnant, kept the kid, and the kid is upstairs sick." "Wow." She sank into one of the uncomfortable chairs along the wall. "So besides this, how did it go?" "A lot of fighting, resistance, and really incredible sex." "That's good, right? The fighting and resistance is only natural. So what's the problem?" "Sex was never our problem, Pandy." "But you're here, so that means something." Turning on the seat, she faced him directly. "I know you, Black. If you didn't have feelings, didn't care a tiny bit, you wouldn't be here. You wouldn't have accepted his proposal of one night, no matter how much you needed a good fucking, if you didn't want this, too." "It's not about wanting him. It's about trust." "Whatever you have to tell yourself, that's fine, but don't bullshit

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with me." She touched his leg briefly. "All I know is that life is too short to be pussyfooting around. Life is about risks. You're going to get hurt. That's part of the fun and uncertainty. Life, lived right, is the best medicine. But the thing is to have someone there to help ease that hurt and pain. Now you can sit down here with me, resisting what's in your heart. Or you can pull the stick out your ass, get upstairs, and get the man you want back in your life." "What if it's not that easy?" "Nothing worth fighting for ever is, Jay. And the pain, hurt..." She chewed on her bottom lip. "Remember the caller the other night, the one that said the best way to get over a broken heart is to start a new one?" At his nod, she continued. "She was right. I haven't gotten over Nathan and I probably never will." Her voice took on a sad tone, her eyes widening with remembered pain and loss. "But being in new relationships has helped ease some of that pain, bitterness, and anger. I've been able to move on." "True. But you can't call those things you're in relationships. They're purely sexual in nature. You've started to move on but you're still hiding, Pandora. Nathan getting killed was devastating." His attention fixed on the bank of elevators where a family was getting off with a young girl with a cast on her arm, her father holding her in one arm and her mother's hand in the other. "And I understand what you're saying but it's not the same. You were in love with Nathan." "If you're not in love with Darrius, Jay, then why are you sitting here while he's upstairs at his son's bedside?" "I..." "If you can't answer that question, or admit you're not in love with him, then you should try. But if the answer is anything but love, you owe it not just to yourself but to him also to walk away. It'll be easier for both of you." She sighed, standing up. "I haven't been hiding, Jay. I just haven't met anyone yet, male or female, that has made me feel what Nathan did. And they may not be traditional relationships as in one man, one woman, but they're still relationships. And I'm happy. I don't like being tied up in strings. What I have works for me." Standing, he took her hand. "That may be the problem. You can't replace what you have—had—with him. But you can start over." "That's the scary part." She laughed, but it came out hollow and dead. "I know."

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"I thought I was supposed to be helping you, not the other way around." "You did." With a hug, he thanked her and then headed for the elevator. When he got back upstairs, a woman was sitting in the waiting room. Taking a seat on the other side of the room, he picked up another magazine, prepared to wait. "I can understand if you don't want to talk," the woman began. "I mean, especially after what I did to you." With raised eyebrows, he put the magazine down, looking at the woman. "Excuse me?" "It's understandable if you don't want to talk. But I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Darrius is in with Terrence." She moved to the seats diagonal to where he was sitting. "I'm Natalie, if you hadn't guessed." At the mention of her name, realization came to his eyes. "I didn't recognize who you are. You look different with clothes on." Blowing out a breath, he closed his eyes briefly before he turned, holding out his hand to her. "I'm sorry. That was insensitive of me. Hello." "Perfectly understandable." She nodded before she shook his hand. "I didn't realize what I did would cause so much trouble. I didn't mean to ruin your relationship. I just wanted a baby, and he seemed liked the ideal candidate, save the homosexual part." "I don't understand." "Damn it. I thought he'd told you." "Told me what?" Jay leaned forward, his heart clenching. "What don't I know?" "First of all," she smiled, touched his hand, "he's fine. He wouldn't do that to you. It was a setup." His face contorted in a frown. "I wanted a baby. God, this sounds so desperate now. But at the time, I didn't see any other way." She groaned and sighed. "Anyway, I wanted to have a baby. We, me and Darrius, knew each other kinda sorta because we go to the same gym. I asked if he would be willing to be the father to my child. First he told me he was gay. Then Darrius said he'd think about it and would ask his partner. But I don't think he ever got around to asking you." Jay shook his head. "And we've never really discussed this part, me and him that is, but he came back and said no but he'd help me scope out potential guys. Go

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with me to the sperm bank if I wanted and even be there for the insemination. But I wanted him. Darrius is smart, sexy, nice body, great personality, funny, friendly." With a laugh she added, "I suppose I don't have to tell you about his good qualities. And it's not like I'm trying to talk him up or anything. Anyway, he said no, too complicated and messy and since he was no longer hiding his sexuality, he didn't think he could have sex with a woman again. So, and this is the bad part, I lied. I told him I was okay with everything. As a show of good faith, he invited me over for dinner to help peruse the potential candidates. It provided the perfect opportunity to seduce and..." She paused again, looking down at the tiles instead of at Jay. When she spoke again, she talked to the floor. "I drugged him. Slipped something to help him relax in his drink. And voila, it worked." Jay sat there, speechless, staring at Natalie, unsure of what to say. "I know it's a lot to process." Finally, Jay nodded. Movement by the door captured his attention. Darrius leaned against the frame, arms crossed against his chest. "He's asleep for now." Natalie went over to Darrius. "Thanks." He shook his head. "There's no need for thanks. He's my kid, too, Nat." His gaze rested on Jay as he spoke to her. "I can stay. Take the night shift if you want to go home and get some rest." "I couldn't sleep right now if I wanted to. Plus it's late. You go, finish your evening, and we can switch off in the morning." Finally he looked down at her. "You sure?" After turning to look at Jay, she looked up into Darrius's eyes. "Yeah. I'm sure. You guys need this time." Darrius shrugged. "Don't give up now, Darrius. Not when what you've wanted is so close." "At some point you've got to give up on your dreams and face reality, Natalie." He kissed her on her forehead. "I'm going to check on him one more time before I go." He said to Jay, "I'll be right back." Jay nodded, standing, watching his former lover walk away again. Natalie went over to him, grabbing his hand. Peeking out the door, she saw that Darrius had disappeared down the hall. "Come on. I want you to see something." Jay knew he could have protested more, but part of him was curious.

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They stopped just outside one of the patient rooms. Inside, Jay could see Darrius holding a child who, except for his coloring, was his exact double. He half listened as Natalie yammered on. It's not that he disliked her; not completely, anyway. He kept his focus on Darrius. Questions popped into his mind at a rapid-fire pace. Have I truly forgiven Darrius? Can I accept this part of his life? Darrius as a father? Sharing a child with the woman he cheated on me with? Do I love Darrius enough to give him another chance? Will Darrius accept the changes in my life? Accept me for who I am? Shaking his head, he looked back at Darrius talking softly to the sleeping child, dropping a kiss on the forehead, his hand on Terrence's back feeling the baby's chest rise and fall as he breathed. Jay watched as Darrius wrestled with his paternal instincts. To anyone who knew him, it was obvious he wanted to stay. Jay realized what he had to do. When Darrius came out the room, he pulled him to the side. "You should stay. Be with your family." "I'd like to consider you to be part of that family, too." Darrius looked at Natalie, who was talking with one of the night nurses just outside Terrence's door. "But all I would do is worry and probably drive the nurses crazy." He smiled. "Plus if you don't remember, we didn't get much sleep. Nat's right, I need some rest so I can relieve her in the morning." Glancing down at his watch, he added, "Which isn't that far off." With a nod of understanding, and in a simple move that spoke volumes, Jay grabbed Darrius's hand and they walked out. The ride back to the hotel was quick and quiet, neither man speaking of the night's events or their relationship.

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Chapter Seven Darrius fell back on to the bed with a flop. His heavy sigh echoed through the room. At the edge of the bed, hands shoved in his pants pockets, Jay kept silent for a moment, letting him unwind. When the silence got to be too much for him, he released a pent-up breath and spoke. "Now what?" Darrius shrugged. "The ball is in your court. I've done everything I can think of to get you to want me back, not including actually getting down on my knees to beg. And right there, I draw the line. So, as much as I hate it, I'm going to let this one be your decision." "But this isn't only about me, Dare. It's about us." "I know that. But in this instance," he sighed, then shrugged, "I don't know what else to say or do." "I'm not ready for you to move back in yet." "I never asked to move in with you, Jay. I just wanted the opportunity to prove things could be different, better than before." "But I do want...I am willing to give it, a relationship, us, another chance." "Why?" "I just told you what you wanted to hear and you ask why?" "Yeah. I don't want you to tell me what I want to hear. I want you to mean it. I want you to want us, too." Darrius leaned against the edge of the table. "Why?" "I don't get you." "As much as I want you, want us back, I don't want this if it's just because I know how you like to be fucked. I want you to want me, to want us because of how you feel. Not because you want to get off." Darrius ran a hand over his face and let out a frustrated groan. Looked directly in Jay's eyes. "I love you, Black. I am in love with you. I never stopped. But..." "But what?" Jay took a step toward him. "I won't let you do this to me. I'm not going to let you ruin the

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memories we have together for revenge and sex." "So you saying it's over?" Standing tall, back straight and eyes forward, Darrius coughed, swallowed around the lump of pain and defeat bound up in his throat. "Yeah." He sighed before he took a seat on the couch. "I should have followed my first mind. I should have told you no." He paused. "I don't mean this was wrong, just not the right time. Sex was never a problem between us. It was you, not communicating, pushing me away." "So your cheating with Natalie was my fault?" "Yes, I had sex with another person, a woman, but it's not like it was intentional or planned. It just happened. And I know that sounds like a bullshit excuse. But it's the truth. Though that wasn't the point, was it?" Jay shook his head. "I didn't mean it that way. Please don't do that. Don't put words in my mouth. You always try to twist and turn my words into something that suits you and starts a huge argument where one of us, usually me, ends up walking out. I'm tired of walking away. If you really want this, want us to work, then you would be tired of walking away, too. I should have pressed you harder to open up after the attack." "You getting attacked had nothing to do with our breakup." "Maybe not, but it's what started the events. You refused to talk about it, refused to let me in." "Why do we have to talk about it now? Nearly three years later?" "Because we've never talked about it before. Not once." "I don't want to talk about it now." "That's part of the problem. I love you, Jay. But my granddad used to say to follow your gut, go with your instincts and you'll never go wrong. I want you back, in my life. But not this way. There's part of me that's screaming that if I let this go, if I let us fall into old patterns, then we haven't really fixed anything. It's just a Band-Aid. And eventually Band-Aids fall off." "Is this the same grandfather who faked a heart attack when you finally got up the courage to come out to your family? And then disowned you when you wouldn't 'change your mind and be a real man'?" "Yes. But that doesn't negate the advice, Jay. You're just trying to change the subject." "What do you want me to say?" Jay yelled. "The truth." Darrius responded with the same vigor in his voice. "Okay. You want the truth. You want to know how it felt to see

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someone attack someone I love just because we had the gall to be open about our love, our relationship in public? To fight this person off the best I could, but it still not be enough? We both ended in the hospital." He sighed, blew out a breath. "It was hell. And yes, they caught the guys but that doesn't change that this—" he motioned his hand between the two of them "—isn't acceptable to the world. We can go out, be boys, hang and party, but I can't kiss you. Or hold your hand in public, lest I upset the narrow-minded heterosexual people." "Not everyone is like that." "I know that, too. But it hurts to think we're not safe in our own hometown." "Is that why you wanted to move?" "Yes. I wanted some stability. Someplace where we could be safe, open and honest. That's why I pushed the adoption issue. That's why I pushed the domestic partnership issue." Jay turned his back, walked to the window, stared blindly out at the street scene below. His voice took a hard edge. "Those jerks wouldn't let me see you. I wasn't family. We're not married, can't get married. And before..." He shook his head, turning around to face Darrius. "Before it wasn't an issue. And yes, I found someone to let me in to see you. Your parents had to lie and say I was your favorite cousin. We'd been together for almost four, close to five years then, and that's how I got to see you." "So instead of talking to me, telling me all of this, you pushed me away." "That was easier. Easier to push you away, to make you leave, to be alone than to face that type of pain, to live with that hurt." He laughed. "The funny thing is, I never thought you'd actually go. I figured you'd stay and fight for us." "I'm sorry." "That's the thing. I don't want your apology. I just want us." "We can't go back to the way it was. I can't live in that utopian world we existed in. And you shouldn't want to, either. That wasn't real. It was a fantasy. And I guess when reality sank in, we failed. Maybe we aren't meant to be together." "I disagree. I think it could work." Jay stepped toward him. "I think if we're open and honest with each other how you want, then it could work." He took a few more steps closer. "I think if we stop pretending and just be ourselves, it would work." He moved even closer until they were face-to-face, eye to eye. "If we agree to accept each other, as we

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are, faults and all, it could work." He kissed Darrius softly on the lips. "Get to know the parts we kept hidden out of fear, we'll have a chance." "Why now?" "I missed you. Missed falling asleep next to you, coming home and finding you making omelets or grilled ham-and-cheese sandwiches or whatever." He took his hand, looked into his eyes. "I'm not saying that it'll be easy. We're going to fight and argue and make up and fight more. We have to not start over, but start again and see what happens." Darrius smiled, squeezed Jay's hand. "Whatever happens happens?" "Yeah. Something like that." "So all I have to do is say yes? No holding back, just accept you as you are and you'll accept me for me? Accept that Natalie is part of my life, too?" Darrius paused. "I'm a package deal now. Me and Terrence. You sure you can handle that? Being Uncle Black or Uncle Jay?" Jay nodded. "A real relationship, not hiding indoors, not just sex?" Jay nodded again. "Yes," he said, cutting off any more of Darrius's response with a kiss. Darting his tongue into his partner's mouth and down his throat, he cupped the back of his head with one hand, pulling him deeper into the kiss. His arms wrapped around Darrius's waist, their bodies pressed together.

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Chapter Eight "Where are you going?" Darrius asked as Jay broke the kiss. Jay didn't say a word but slipped into the bathroom, wearing a smile. Looking at himself in the mirror, he knew what he needed to do. He wanted to ease some of the stress he saw in Darrius's body language. Sitting on the edge of the tub, he turned on the water, making sure the temperature was perfect before turning on the whirlpool jets. Satisfied with the heat level, Jay turned off the spigots and undressed. When he reentered the bedroom, he stood in the doorway, watching Darrius undress. Eyeing the rich honey skin, the rippled back muscles that showed off the fact he'd kept up his workout schedule despite their breakup. When Darrius opened his mouth to speak, Jay held up his hand. "Let me take care of you." He paused, considered his words. "I'm not talking sexually, but as the man who is still in love with you." He took a tentative step forward, despite their earlier revelations. "You sure?" "Yes. I want us back. I'm willing to try if you are." Jay stood by the bed. "Strip!" Darrius quirked an eyebrow at him. Jay stepped forward, his hands at Darrius's waist. "For what I have planned, you need to be naked." At that statement, Darrius shed the remainder of his clothes. Now naked, he allowed Jay to take his hand, leading him into the bathroom. Jay entered the tub first, a sigh escaping his lips as the soothing warmth enveloped his body. The water shifted, rolling in small waves as Darrius entered the tub. Sliding back, Jay parted his legs to make room for the additional body. Once he was sure Darrius was settled in, Jay went to work. His hands skimmed Darrius's back, massaging and stroking the tight muscles of his shoulders. As Jay kneaded away the tension of the day and night, Darrius sank further into his touch.

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"You always did have great hands." His words spilled out in a relaxed, sleepy-sounding murmur that had Jay wondering if he were doing his job too well. Darrius rolled his head forward, chin dropping to his chest, allowing Jay better access to his neck and shoulders. With a groan, he shifted his body back, angling closer to Jay. Jay slid his hands down Darrius's front, kneaded his pecs before returning to his neck and shoulders. He continued his ministrations, but Darrius's relaxed sighs and moans caused his cock to swell. Suddenly he stopped, and Darrius turned around, a questioning gaze darkening his eyes. "I'm sorry. I can't do this." Darrius stilled, all the tension rushing back into his body. Stiffening, he began to rise only to be stopped by Jay's hand. "Look at me." Jay kept his voice gentle and his hand light on Darrius's shoulder. With a deep breath, Darrius turned around. "I didn't mean it like that." Jay's fingertips traced a path from Darrius's cheekbones to his lips. "I have to stop because being this close to you turns me on. I don't want this to be about sex. Or me." Sitting back against the walls of the tub, he looked Darrius in the eye. "I don't want to be thinking so selfishly about sex when your son is in the hospital." He paused. "The sex, us making love can wait. That's not why I brought you in here." "It's a natural response. And it's not like I don't want you, either. But I understand." Darrius turned around, sinking back into his lover's body. They sat together, the whirlpool streaming around them, the heat of the water easing away the remaining tensions. When they emerged from the water in silence, Jay released the drain. Darrius grabbed one of the towels off the rack, reaching for Jay. Shaking his head, Jay took the towel. "This is about you, remember?" The drying off went quicker than he'd expect. But that was partly because he wanted to get to the next part—lotioning up Darrius. He motioned for Darrius to sit on the marble base of the tub while he went to grab the lotion from his bag. When he returned, he knelt and squeezed some of lotion into the palm of his hands, beginning at Darrius's feet and slowly working his way upward, using a slow, light,

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rhythmic touch. He paid extra attention to Darrius's abdomen and groin, then his chest. With a motion of his hand, he indicated to Darrius to turn around. Applying the cream to his back, he rubbed with the same tender touch. Jay's hand slid downward, cupping firm ass cheeks. With special care, he applied the balm to his lover's tight, exquisite ass, teasing the crease with one digit before continuing his massage. A light tap on the behind signaled he was done. Rising, Darrius initiated the contact this time, pulling Jay into another kiss. This time it was soft and sensual. Automatically, their bodies pressed together. With their groins touching, instinct and old habits set in. A groan passed Jay's lips, his hips undulated, moved against his lover as they involuntarily humped against each other. Forcing himself to stop, to maintain control, Jay pulled back. He allowed his hands to roam Darrius's body before taking his hand and leading him into the bedroom. Turning down the bed, Jay slid between the covers, making room for his partner. Darrius slipped in, snuggled close. Wrapped in his lover's arms, Darrius kissed the top of Jay's ear before a whispered good night and settled in, his head resting in the crook of Jay's neck. And even though those three little words had gone unspoken, it was evident in the smile that graced his lips as he fell asleep and awoke the next morning, with his lover still asleep in his arms.

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About the Author Angeleque Ford writes sensual and erotic romantic fiction from an

urban, female, multi-cultural, African American perspective. Please visit her website at www.booksbyangeleque.com.

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