Second Star To The Right

SECOND STAR TO THE RIGHT

SECOND STAR TO THE RIGHT s A Novel

Mark A. Roeder

iUniverse, Inc. New York Lincoln Shanghai

Second Star To The Right Copyright © 2006 by Mark A. Roeder All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

iUniverse books may be ordered through booksellers or by contacting: iUniverse 2021 Pine Lake Road, Suite 100 Lincoln, NE 68512 www.iuniverse.com 1-800-Authors (1-800-288-4677) This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, names, incidents, organizations and dialogue in this novel are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. All registered trademarks mentioned in this book are the property of their respective owners. No infringement is intended or should be inferred. Note: The sections of the Peter Pan script found in this novel are based on the original Peter Pan (Peter and Wendy) published in 1911 by J.M. Barrie. ISBN-13: 978-0-595-41586-1 (pbk) ISBN-13: 978-0-595-85934-4 (ebk) ISBN-10: 0-595-41586-5 (pbk) ISBN-10: 0-595-85934-8 (ebk) Printed in the United States of America

This book is dedicated to all those with the good sense to realize that God created Gays and that God does not make mistakes.

Acknowledgements s

I’d like to thank REC, Ken Clark, J.L. Cleland, and David Yates for proofing this manuscript. The proof-readers task is a difficult one and I can’t thank these individuals enough.

-v-

Toby—Blackford High School—Late August 2003 “MAKE WAY!! COMING THROUGH!!” Eddie and I threw ourselves flat against the lockers to avoid being plowed over, as a blue blur, followed by what looked like the entire football team, whooshed by. “What the hell was that?” I asked in a state of mild shock. “Dude, you apparently haven’t met Cedi yet,” Eddie said, pulling himself away from the wall now that the danger had passed. “What’s a Cedi?” “That’s a Cedi,” said Eddie, pointing to the now-distant figure racing down the hallway. “I can’t say that I’ve had the pleasure.” “You’re gonna love him, Toby.” “Why?” “I can’t tell you. Cedi must be experienced to be appreciated.” Mackenzie, my little brother, came hurrying down the hall. “Have you guys seen the boys’ locker room?” he asked. “No.” “Go take a look.” Mackenzie went on his way, giggling. “Let’s see what’s up,” said Eddie, pulling me toward the gymnasium. We crossed the polished wooden floor and walked into the boys’ locker room. Eddie burst out laughing as we stepped inside. There, strung from one set of lockers to another like a banner, was a string of jockstraps tied together with a sign hung in the center that read, “Revenge of the Homo!—Cedi” “The kid has balls,” said Eddie in admiration. “Perhaps he’s just suicidal,” I suggested. I couldn’t imagine being out in our school, let alone publicly announcing it in such a manner. The boy was crazy. -1-

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“Come on, let’s get out of here. I’ve heard that if you hang around the jocks too much they rub off on you. You could even become one,” said Eddie. “Ewww!” “Yeah, I hear it’s a fate worse than death.” “It won’t happen to me. I hope to be far too busy with play practice. We’re doing Peter Pan this fall.” “Dude, you trying out for Wendy?” “Funny! With any luck at all, I shall be Peter Pan.” “Yeah, dude, I can see you flyin’ around now, wearin’ tights,” snickered Eddie. “What’s that supposed to mean?” “Well, you are Orlando’s special friend.” I jerked my head toward Eddie so fast I nearly wrenched my neck. “What did he tell you?” I asked, looking fearfully around to make sure we were alone. “Relax, little dude. Your secret is safe with me. Orlando and me are best buds now, aren’t we? After all, I’m dating his mom.” I still couldn’t believe that. When Orlando had told me that Eddie, the school burnout, was dating his mother, it blew me away. I peered at Eddie. He was the same age as I was, sixteen. He was slim, about 5'11" and had long, dark-blond hair he wore in a ponytail most of the time. He wasn’t what I’d call good looking, but he wasn’t bad looking, either. I wondered what an older woman would see in him. “Yeah, but…” “It’s all good, dude. Orlando has been tons happier since he got with you. That whole thing with Krista and Kerry really ripped him up. I’m happy for you guys; I swear.” It was the first day of school and the end of a summer that had been an eventful one for all of us. I’d worked at Phantom World, a large amusement park within walking distance of Blackford, and there I’d met Krista, Orlando, and a whole bunch of others. I’d had a crush on Orlando since the moment I laid eyes on him. It was funny; he went to Blackford High School, but I’d never crossed his path before. Anyway, Orlando started dating my new friend, Krista, so I figured I had no chance with him. But then, Orlando cheated on Krista with her very own brother, believe it or not, so I found out he wasn’t quite as unobtainable as I’d thought. Of course, I wasn’t sure I wanted him after what he’d done to Krista, but there was a lot more to the situation than I’d thought

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at first. In the weeks since Orlando and Krista broke up, Orlando filled me in on most of the details. It was a real soap opera. I don’t even wanna get started on what happened to me during the summer. If one of my teachers asked me to write about what I did on my summer vacation, she would be in for a shock. The coolest event of the summer, with the exception of actually meeting Phantom (I still can’t believe it!) was getting together with Orlando. We’ve been sort of dating, and it rocks! The bell rang, ending our lunch period before I could ask Eddie any more about Cedi. I’d gotten too lost in my own thoughts. I did that sometimes. Not to worry, I was sure I’d find out more about him soon enough. If what little I’d seen so far was any indication, Cedi was definitely going to add some excitement to B.H.S.—if he didn’t get himself killed, that is. It was only the first day of school, and he’d already been marked for death by the jocks. I was glad I wasn’t him. I made my way to my locker, picked up my English Lit book, and searched out my classroom. B.H.S. wasn’t all that big, but I still got lost a bit on the first day in the general hustle and bustle. The halls echoed loudly with the voices of kids greeting each other after the long summer vacation. Every slammed locker door, dropped pencil, and squeak of a sneaker on the polished wooden floor was magnified. The school was nearly a hundred years old and not designed with acoustics in mind. Blackford High School was a relic of the past. My parents and even grandparents had gone to school there! I’d often thought the school would’ve made a good set for a movie, like that old film Back To The Future where that kid went back to the 1950s. Our school looked a whole lot like that one. There was a big addition to the school on the north side, but even that had been added in the 1960s, according to Mom. I stopped thinking about the antiquated building when I found my Lit class at last. I stopped dead in my tracks for just a moment as I entered the room. Cedi was sitting about halfway back. The blue blur I’d glimpsed in the hallway at last made sense, for Cedi’s hair was dyed a bright neon blue. His hair partly concealed his face, hanging down the sides and in front of his eyes. The other kids were gawking at him. Blackford was kind of tame in the alternative-style arena. One kid last year had a Mohawk. Ian Babcock, the school Goth, wore black makeup around his eyes and a studded collar. But Cedi was probably the first person ever to appear in school with blue hair. Cedi was a pretty-good-looking guy, not that it mattered. I had Orlando after all. I couldn’t figure out the color of Cedi’s eyes. They were kind of a

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greenish-blue, or bluish-green, but then they looked sort of violet, too. Yeah, more violet than anything, which was weird. His eyes flashed with mischief when he caught me checking him out. I courageously and somewhat fearfully took the seat next to him. Most of the other kids seemed apprehensive about getting so close to such a creature. Cedi looked like the kind of kid who would do anything. I’d already witnessed his handiwork in the boys’ locker room. Just remembering it brought a smile to my lips. Cedi gave me a quick grin, but then Mrs. Corlett entered the room. She was soooo old. She was actually one of my mom’s teachers, if you can believe it! The class quieted down quickly. Everyone was kind of afraid of Mrs. Corlett. She had a reputation as someone you didn’t want to cross. I think a lot of the students were afraid she’d crack them across the knuckles with a ruler if they got out of line, just like they did in the old days. Mrs. Corlett’s eyes lit on Cedi’s hair, but she didn’t say anything—maybe because her hair was kind of blue, too. Her hair was an old-lady blue, however, gray-tinted blue, not bright and neon like Cedi’s. I had to stifle a giggle as I thought about what she’d look like with Cedi’s hair color. I looked around the room hoping to spot Krista. She was new to B.H.S., and I wanted to do all I could to make her feel at home. I wondered how Orlando and Krista would handle seeing each other on a daily basis. As far as I knew, they hadn’t spoken since their breakup. I guess it wasn’t my concern, and I wasn’t going to waste time thinking about it. I was just excited that I could see my best girlfriend all the time now! Unfortunately, Krista’s twin brother, Kerry, had moved to Blackford with the rest of the family. Kerry was trouble. Cedi fidgeted continually as if his body couldn’t contain the energy within. I kept expecting him to jump up on his desk and scream or something. He seemed constantly on the verge of exploding into activity. Yeah, that was Cedi: a lightning bolt just waiting to sizzle through the air and strike an unsuspecting target. I wondered what was up with him and the jocks and about the sign he’d left in the locker room. We were only hours into the school year, and the drama had begun. It promised to be an interesting semester. The moment the bell sounded, ending class, Cedi catapulted out of his seat, slung his backpack over one shoulder, and zipped away as if the football team was still chasing him. It was as if he couldn’t sit still for a second longer. He kind of reminded me of a hummingbird, zipping around faster than the eye could see. It was totally weird being back in school. It was kind of a letdown after working the entire summer at an amusement park. Phantom World was still

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open on weekends through most of October, and I was going to be working Saturdays, but I would much rather have kept working there full time instead of attending school. I was going to make the best of the situation, however. I had nothing to complain about. I had a lot of money saved up from working all summer, and, best of all, I had Orlando! My first day of school went smoothly. I had a couple of classes with Krista, which was totally awesome. I was pleased to show her around the school and introduce her to people. I knew she’d have no trouble making friends on her own. She had a sparkling personality that just drew people to her. She already knew a few people, too—kids who had worked with us at Phantom World. The only drawback to her transfer to B.H.S. was that she’d see me with Orlando. So far, I’d kept our relationship a secret from her. I didn’t know how she’d take it after what he’d done to her. I was going to have to talk to her about it, and soon, because it would not take her long to discover that Orlando and I were more than friends. I didn’t like being caught in the middle, but life is seldom easy. My only class with Orlando was eighth-period drama, my next-to-last class. I was excited we had drama together. I was the one who’d talked him into signing up for it in the first place. We sat right next to each other, but we both knew we’d have to keep our relationship low key. Blackford wasn’t the most homophobic town around, but it wasn’t exactly San Francisco, either. Orlando and I were more than friends, but we weren’t boyfriends. The whole thing with Krista and Kerry during the summer kind of messed up Orlando. I was a little cautious, too, because I didn’t exactly have a good track record with dating. During the summer I’d fallen for a boy who turned out to be straight and another who didn’t exist at all. The latter is a long story, but suffice it to say that you should be careful if you meet someone on the Internet. Orlando was quite real, but he was bisexual, not gay, so I had some reservations. Still, I really enjoyed our time together, and part of me so powerfully yearned to kiss him I couldn’t stand it. In drama class I listened intently as Mrs. Jelen (pronounced yellin) spoke about the fall production Peter Pan. I was a major theatre freak and had landed the lead in Tom Sawyer in the previous fall and in Oliver in the spring. I wanted the lead in Peter Pan so bad I could taste it, but I didn’t know if my luck would hold out. I also feared that Mrs. Jelen might decide it was time for someone else to play the lead. I wasn’t going to complain if I was cast as one of the lost boys or pirates or whatever. As long as I was in the play, I’d be content. I won-

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dered if I should give some thought to reading for Captain Hook or Smee. Both would be good parts and preferable to the lost boys. The script felt cool and crisp in my hands as I held it. I was filled with excitement. This was the beginning, that moment in time when the whole adventure was before me. I could already picture the rehearsals, the sets going up, and the costumes. I could feel the heat of the lights and smell the greasepaint. I read the title page, Peter Pan: a play based on the original by J.M. Barrie. I was vaguely familiar with the story, but I planned to read the entire script before the night was through. It was critically important to select just the right scene for my audition. I needed something to show Mrs. Jelen that I was the only choice for Peter Pan. At the end of the day I walked toward my locker. There was no use lugging books home I wouldn’t be opening. Unfortunately, my backpack was going to be stuffed. Nearly every teacher had given opening-day homework. Couldn’t they get together and plan things a bit better? I’d be lucky if I had enough time to read my script, and there was no way I’d be able to work in any practice. As I neared my destination I spotted Cedi standing before his locker with a magic marker. I slowed, then stopped beside him. “Dude, why are you writing “HOMO” on your own locker?” Cedi laughed. “HIIIIII. I’M CEDI!” Cedi was loud, energetic, and boisterous. His voice cut right through the din around us. What a presence he’d have upon the stage. If he went out for the play, I was going to have some major competition. “I’m Toby.” “Nice to meet you, Toby!” I was surprised by Cedi’s British accent, but I thought it was really cool. “This,” said Cedi, indicating the large block letters spelling out HOMO, “is no doubt courtesy of the Neanderthals who pass for jocks around here. I’m just making a few alterations.” As I watched he drew a bold circle around the word HOMO, dots within the Os and a smile underneath, turning the entire thing into a large smiley face. Cedi didn’t even seem in the least upset that someone had written an obvious slur on his locker. He actually seemed enthusiastic about turning it into a work of art. I wondered about the boy. He had a weird way of dealing with abuse; he simply refused delivery. I just hoped whoever wrote HOMO on his locker wouldn’t beat him senseless later on.

Cedi Blackford High School definitely had potential. Sure it was a total backwater, but there were definitely some hot birds at school and some wicked-cute boys as well. I’d already been pegged as a poof my first day, but that was no biggie. It was amazing how the Cro-Magnon jocks were so sure I was queer when I wasn’t even sure myself. Some guys were hot. Some girls were hot. It was as simple as that. I didn’t go in for labels. If the jocks wanted to call me a fag, that was okay, but they were gonna get Cedi’d for it. I’d already paid a little visit to their lair in response to three of their kind shoving me around and comparing me to a Smurf. No doubt about it, if they were gonna mess with me, there’d be a price to pay. I ran home from school. Don’t think I did so because I was scared of those football guys, though. I run more often than not. I mean, why spend all that time just getting there? I had things to do, and, besides, the world often looked a whole lot better when it was whizzing by. I tossed my backpack on my bed when I got home and picked up my electric guitar. I cranked up the amp and let my newest creation fly. One thing I HAD to do is play my guitar. I’d go totally starkers if I couldn’t play my music! I gazed about my room as I played. Mostly, my eyes fell on unpacked boxes and disorganized stacks of papers. There were boxers, briefs, and socks strewn on the floor along with the odd shirt and some of my music magazines. I was still moving in, but I’d given some thought to decoration. My Beatles poster and my Union Jack were the first to go up, and only the day before I’d bought two new Phantom posters, one with the Phantom insignia and the other with Jordan, Ross, and Kieran all looking so sexy. Kieran was my all-time favorite, mainly because he was a guitarist like me; well, he was heaps better than me. He was the greatest guitarist in the entire world! “Bloody hell!” -7-

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I tossed my guitar to the side. My newest creation needed some serious work. I was foremost a lyricist, but I wrote music, too, mostly for my guitar—and for the keyboard. I was kind of into techno, but I got into other stuff as well. I could play the violin wicked, and I was working on putting some violin into my songs. Pretty much no one did that, unless they played country. That was the one thing I wanted to avoid—country music: such a vile American creation. I was willing to bet it was big in Blackford. The town had some serious problems, but I figured I could fix that. I considered doing my homework, but turned to my lyrics instead. You’ve gotta have priorities, right? I’d get my homework done, probably, but if I didn’t, so what? I was going to be a musician, and I was going to be a big rock star in fact, so high school wasn’t exactly of the utmost importance in my life. Thank God my aunt understood. She was totally supportive of whatever I wanted to do and was so busy with her causes she probably wouldn’t notice if I dropped out of high school. She was big into save-the-trees-and save-the-children-of-Ethiopia-type stuff. If I told her I was queer, there’d be a rainbow flag hanging outside within twenty-four hours. I wondered momentarily what a bisexual flag would look like, perhaps a Union Jack with pink instead of red. I worked on my lyrics until I nodded off. Sometimes I get totally awesome ideas in my dreams, sometimes not. I woke up at about 10 p.m., thinking it was later. I gave my backpack a glance, but otherwise ignored it. Screw homework. I had more important things to do. I could die tomorrow for all I knew. I followed Auntie Liz’s motto: live like your bum is on fire. I slipped on my sneakers and walked out into the night. That was another cool thing about my aunt; I could come and go as I pleased at any hour. I didn’t even have to tell her or leave a note. She didn’t believe in rules. I was probably the only kid anywhere who never had to sneak out. What an agreeable change it was from boarding school! I wandered around, reading my lyrics by the streetlights. I thought they were pretty rockin’. I’d made some kick-ass improvements before I nodded off. I had a first-rate love song for sure. Okay, the lyrics still needed a tweak, but they were by far the best thing I’d ever written. I found my way to a park and wandered around the paths there. I was trying to think of how I could find people to form a band. I played guitar and did vocals, but I needed a keyboardist and a drummer. I missed Nibs and Sam like crazy. Nibs was wicked on the drums, and Sam, well, he wasn’t the best, but he played the keyboard tolerably well. They were the only cool thing about the

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stuffy prep school my parents had stuck me in the year before. Was I glad to be out of there! Danforth Academy, kiss my bum! The summer wind stirred the dust and rattled the leaves. I looked into the sky. Dark clouds were edging in, and there was a hint of lightning. Thunder began to rumble in the distance. The hair on the back of my neck stood on end, but it had nothing to do with the approaching storm. I sensed movement near at hand. Chase Simmons darted out from behind me and snatched the sheet of lyrics from my hand. “What have we got here?” he asked. Chase wasn’t alone. A boy named Adam Henshaw was with him. How could bulky football players sneak up on me so silently? “Aww, he’s written a poem,” said Adam. “It’s not a poem. Those are lyrics to a song,” I said, crossly. I reached for my lyrics, but Adam jerked them away from me. I didn’t truly need the lyrics, as I had them in my head, but what if I forgot something and couldn’t recreate it? That would be a disaster for sure—a catastrophe worse than the Black Death. “Give it to me,” I said. “And if we don’t? What are you going to do about it, squirt?” The pair read my lyrics by the light of a street lamp and laughed. My eyes grew wide, and I swallowed hard. No doubt Chase and Adam believed they’d intimidated me. I was no longer concerned about them, however; my attention was focused on the dark figure directly behind them. “I’ll take that,” said a strong, masculine voice. Chase and Adam turned toward the tall stranger. He held out his hand, and Adam meekly handed him my lyrics. “Now, leave!” said the stranger. He didn’t speak loudly, but it was obviously not a request. Chase and Adam backed off and walked quickly away. I wasn’t sure if I was glad to see them go or not. I was suddenly keenly aware that I was a slim kid, alone in the dark with a stranger who could be a Jack the Ripper wannabe for all I knew. He was dressed all in black, or at least it looked like it. He was backlit by a street lamp, so I couldn’t really tell. “Hey!” I yelled, as the stranger began reading my lyrics. The nerve! Did everyone think they had a right to read my work? “Did you write this?” he asked, ignoring my outburst. His tone was authoritative and dismissive, kind of superior and angry, too.

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“Um, yeah.” “You know absolutely nothing about love. This is complete idiocy. You have no talent.” He wadded my lyrics into a ball and threw them at me. They bounced off my chest as I gaped with an open mouth. I stood in stunned silence as the stranger walked away. It took a few moments for my anger to surge forth. I turned and stared at his back. “Just who the hell do you think you are anyway? What do you know about lyrics? Huh? I’m Cedi Forbes-Hamilton and I’m going to be a rock star!” The stranger totally ignored me. He just kept walking. I glared at his receding figure, then retrieved my lyrics, uncrumpled them, and read them again. “Just who in the hell do you think you are?” I repeated more quietly, but he was much too far away to hear by then. I turned and headed for home.








I started hanging out with Eddie the next day. I’d met him on my first day at B.H.S., and he was totally cool. He said he used to be a stoner, but he’d given it up because he was dating some girl who didn’t like him doing it. I couldn’t believe how many guys were led around by the balls. That was never gonna happen to me. Even if I found a girlfriend, I wasn’t going to be controlled by her. I was never going to be whipped. We ate lunch with Eddie’s friends, Orlando and Toby. I thought Orlando was a pretty cool name, not at all like the usual drab and dreary names most kids got stuck with. Toby was a pretty cool name, too. I remembered him from the day before. He was the one who thought I was writing HOMO on my own locker. “You’re floating away,” said Eddie, nudging me. “This from the master at floating away,” said Orlando. “Eddie has logged more time in the clouds than most birds.” “Sorry! I was just thinking!” I said. “I met this guy last night—in the park. He read my lyrics. He was so mean!” “Lyrics?” asked Toby. “Mean? Like he pushed you around?” asked Orlando. “I’m a musician,” I said, looking at Toby. “The guy in the park. He told me my lyrics sucked!” “Maybe it’s true,” said Eddie.

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“Bloody wanker! Piss off!” I flipped him the bird for good measure, and he laughed. “The way you talk is so weird,” said Eddie. “I love it.” “Well, what would you have said?” I asked. “Something like jerk-wad I suppose.” “Uh-huh,” I said. “If you’ve got talent, why worry about what someone says?” asked Orlando. “Well, I think I’ve got talent. I thought I had talent…” “So you’re going to let some guy shake you up?” asked Eddie. “Unless he was some kind of music producer or something, I’d say screw him.” “I don’t know who he was.” “Then why do you care what he thinks?” “He was kind of cool,” I said, only realizing what I said as I said it.








I knew I was in trouble when I caught a glimpse of a football jersey out of the corner of my eye. A strong hand clamped down on my shoulder and spun me around. “I bet you loved fingering all of our jockstraps, didn’t you, faggot?” I was staring into dark, intense eyes of Chase Simmons. Mike Bradley, another football jerk, was standing right beside him, flexing his muscles in an attempt to look intimidating. Behind them stood two of their teammates. A small crowd was gathering to watch. “Not really, but I noticed that yours had a really small pouch,” I said. One of Chase’s buddies actually snickered, but Chase slammed me into a locker. The back of my head hit it painfully, and the dull ring of metal clanged in my ears. Chase growled at me, sounding a bit like a wild animal. “I guess you’re the guys who wrote ‘HOMO’ on my locker,” I said. “That was me, and it’s only the beginning, faggot. We don’t like your kind around here,” said Chase. “There are more of us than you know. We’re everywhere,” I said, using my most ominous tone. “How many guys are on your team? Twenty? You know that means that at least two of your football buddies are poofs. Just think about it, they’re right there with you in the showers, looking at you.” “Shut up!” yelled Mike.

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“What’s up with the hair, gay boy?” said Chase, yanking it back so hard I nearly cried out in pain. “You’re a total freak. Isn’t there a show about you on cable? Queer as Fuck?” “You’re fairly witty for a jock,” I said with a slight grin as he released his grip on my hair. My smile threw Chase off. I wasn’t supposed to be smiling. I was supposed to be trembling with fear. That wasn’t my scene, however. Actually, I was kind of enjoying myself. Jock-baiting could be fun. I’d done a bit of it back home. “You’ve got a smart mouth for a wimpy little fag!” “Thank you.” Chase cocked his fist back. “I oughta pound the crap outta you, cocksucker.” “Ohhhhh, that’ll impress the girls. You outweigh me by what, fifty pounds? A hundred? There’s four of you and one of me. Yeah, beating me up is gonna make you look like a real stud. Go ahead, do it. I’m sure you’re love life needs all the help it can get.” Chase snarled, but he didn’t strike. One of his buddies fought back a chuckle. Chase glared at him and told him to shut up. Chase loosened his hold on me and stepped back as if he wasn’t quite sure what to do with me. I wasn’t following the script. It was supposed to go something like: Jock pushes poof around, poof cringes, jock slugs poof in face, poof sinks to the ground crying, jock walks away feeling macho. I’d never liked playing by the rules, however. I preferred to write my own script. It was way more fun. Chase released me not a moment too soon. A teacher I didn’t recognize rounded the corner, took in the scene before her, and asked, “What’s going on here?” I wrapped my arm around Chase’s shoulder as best I could. He was a good five inches taller than I was, after all, and I couldn’t manage it properly. “I was just getting to know my new buddy here,” I said. I glanced at Chase. His eyes were darting nervously around. I could tell he was totally freaked out that I’d draped my arm across his shoulders. I slowly lowered my hand, sliding it down his back, nearly touching his butt. “Yeah, that’s right,” he said finally. “I think you two need to get moving. Don’t be late for class.” “Will do,” I said. I punched Chase in the shoulder. “See ya later, buddy.”

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Chase’s mouth dropped open slightly as I walked away. As soon as I was out of sight I began to laugh.

Toby “Uh-oh, not again,” I said as I neared Cedi’s locker. Someone had written “CEDI IS A FAG” in bold letters. Cedi himself was standing there pondering the message. He took a moment to look at me. “Another love note from my buddy, Chase. I think he’s falling for me.” Cedi actually laughed. If someone wrote “TOBY IS A FAG” on my locker I would’ve been mortified and terrified, but not Cedi. He pulled out a black marker, blacked out the “A” and added “TASTIC” making the message read, “CEDI IS FAGTASTIC.” “That would be a bitchin’ bumper sticker don’t you think?” said Cedi, grinning with glee. “You actually seem to enjoy this,” I said. “Well, yeah! You gotta make your own fun, and, come on, this is hilarious! It also means it’s payback time.” Cedi went into a laughing fit that made me doubt his sanity. I couldn’t help but like him, though. For the second day in a row he’d sat with us at lunch. He was getting tight with Eddie, and I was growing to like him more and more. “Hey, have you thought about trying out for the play?” I asked. “Nah, I’m not into acting. I’m a musician! Someday I’ll be the greatest rock star in the whole world, and you can tell your kids you knew me!” “Should I ask for an autograph now?” “Good idea. Drop your pants and turn around. I’ll sign your bum!” “Um, no thanks.” “You’ll be sooo sorry when I’m famous,” said Cedi earnestly. “I’ll catch you later, Toby. I gotta run.” Before I could even say ‘goodbye’ Cedi had sprinted away. I wondered if he ever just walked anywhere. I strolled the short distance to my own locker. “I saw a blue streak going past. Was that Cedi?” asked Orlando. - 14 -

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“None other. The kid is crazy.” “He’s fun.” “I thought that’s what I said.” I smiled at Orlando. Just looking at him gave me a warm feeling inside. We hadn’t so much as kissed yet, but just being near him made me feel both excited and content. Krista walked by at just that moment. She frowned, but didn’t pause. I needed to have a talk with her, and soon. When I looked back at Orlando, he was frowning, too, and looking almost as if he might cry. “Are you okay?” I asked. “Just taking my daily dose of guilt.” “Come on, how about I take you to Café Blackford? We can talk and eat—two of my favorite things!” “Okay, but you’re not buying. We can go Dutch.” “Deal.” I closed my locker, and we walked out of the old brick school building. We crossed the street and walked a short distance down Main Street to the café. The bell tinkled as we entered, and we took a seat in one of the booths along the west wall. I loved Café Blackford, even if the name wasn’t terribly imaginative. I guess it was better than The Blackford Café and was worlds above places that simply called themselves Eats or Food. The café was both a restaurant and a coffee shop: kind of Denny’s meets Starbucks, only with way-better ambiance. Café Blackford was my new sanctuary, my nirvana; it was where I came to relax. Sometimes, I sat for hours in one of the comfy chairs and read while sipping one of my favorite hot teas or a delicious cocoa. At other times, I took a seat by the window and watched the passersby going about their business on Main Street. I loved the antique coffee grinder in the corner, the old tea and coffee tins placed artfully here and there, and the old leather armchairs tucked into nooks and crannies around the small tables. I know most boys my age wouldn’t have thought it was so great, but, hey, I like what I like. Orlando and I picked up our menus. It was as if we were on a real date. We’d been sort of going out for a few weeks. We were more than friends, yet little more. Orlando hadn’t even so much as held my hand since that day at Phantom World when he came up to me and sat with me on a bench. On that day he told me he needed to explore what he’d discovered about himself, meaning his attraction to guys. We both wanted and needed to take things slowly, but

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maybe we were taking them too slowly. Was I too content just to have him in my life? I gazed at his tanned face and short, spiky black hair and sighed. I ordered a Blackford Burger and curly fries. Orlando opted for French toast and bacon. As the waitress left, Orlando’s eyes fell on the old sign above our booth that read “The Black Heifer.” “That’s what this place used to be called in the old days,” I said. “Mom used to eat here when she was in school.” “It’s kind of cool in here. I come sometimes for cappuccino. I like to just sit and watch people. We should get a table out on the sidewalk sometime,” said Orlando. “It’s a date,” I said, watching for his reaction to my choice of words. He smiled. “Have you decided what part you’re going to try for?” I asked. “I don’t know that I am. I’ve never been in a play before. I don’t know if it’s for me. Drama class is one thing, but a real play…” “Come on, Orlando, you’ve got to.” I leaned across the table conspiratorially, even though the café was empty for the moment, except for us. “You said you need to explore what you discovered about yourself. Even if you’re just half-gay you’ve gotta love theatre.” Orlando laughed out loud. “Half-gay?” “That’s my witty term for bisexual. I just came up with it. Brilliant, huh?” “Well, half-brilliant anyway.” “Is that like half-wit?” “Nah.” “Really, you should try out for a leading part. It’s soooo awesome!” “For you. You’re a natural.” “Thanks! I’m really not, though. It’s just fun to be someone else for a while. I’m dying to be Peter Pan. I hope I can get it, although there are some other really cool roles in this play.” “You look a little like Peter Pan.” “Hmm. Well, I always pictured him as blond, and my hair is about as far away from that as you can get. Perhaps the curly part matches, though. You know, it’s funny, this summer I told C.T. about having the lead in Tom Sawyer, and he said I looked like Tom.” “C.T. He’s the straight boy you fell for, right?” “Yeah, the obviously gay boy who wasn’t.” “I bet you were disappointed.”

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“Well, yeah, but then you came along. Well, you were already there, but I didn’t think you were interested.” Orlando reached across the table and took my hand. I felt my whole body grow warm. “I’m interested.” “Orlando,” I said slowly. “I’ve been wondering about us. I know you want to take things slowly and I do, too, but…” “We’re moving too slowly?” “Yeah, we are, for me anyway. I don’t want to push you, but I really, really like you and…well, sometimes I think a lot about kissing you.” Orlando grinned. It made him even better looking. “You want me to kiss you right here?” he asked. My heart rose up in my chest. “Yes, but it’s too risky.” “How about if I kiss you soon?” “The sooner the better.” “Then expect it when you least expect it.” Orlando was exciting me more than he knew. My heart was racing. The bell on the door sounded as someone entered the café. Orlando stiffened. Kerry eyed us slyly and took a seat at a table on the other side of the room. Orlando’s back was to him, but I could see Kerry, and he kept looking at us. The expression on his face unnerved me. He looked like a predator preparing to pounce. It was unlikely Kerry could hear us, but we dropped all talk of relationships. “Is there a part you think you’d like to try out for?” I asked, returning to our previous topic. “I don’t know. The whole idea of performing makes me nervous.” “I can help you deal with that. What about Smee? He’s a cool character, and there aren’t that many lines to memorize.” “I dunno.” “How about Michael or John?” “I just don’t know if it’s for me, Toby.” “Well, I don’t want to push you into anything. You don’t have to try out for any particular part. You can just show up and read whatever Mrs. Jelen hands you. It’s better to prepare if you’ve got your eye on a certain part, but since you don’t know—Hey, I just got a great idea! Why don’t you read with me for the audition? We could practice, and it would really help my performance. That

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way you won’t have to think of it as trying out. You’ll just be reading with me, and if Mrs. Jelen likes you, great. If not, you’ll have helped me out a lot.” “That I can handle.” “Cool!” I rummaged through my backpack and pulled out my script. “Have you got yours?” I asked. “Yeah, I think it’s in here somewhere,” said Orlando, digging in his own pack. “Okay, gimme.” Orlando handed me his script. I turned the pages until I came to the scene I’d selected for my audition, marked it, and handed it back. “Okay, this is the scene where Hook has captured Tiger Lily, but Peter imitates Hook’s voice and convinces Smee to let her go. Hook has returned and discovered that Tiger Lily has been set free. He’s angry and can’t figure out why Smee did it, but then Peter can’t resist taunting him. Read through it with me while we wait on our food.” “Now?” “Yes. Come on, just read the words. You don’t have to act it out, just read it.” “What part should I read?” “Captain Hook, of course! I’ll be reading Peter.” “But Hook is a major role!” “You’re just going to read it with me; you’re not trying out for the part. Relax. Okay, start out right where I marked your script.” “Okay, here goes,” said Orlando. Hook: Who are you, stranger? Speak! Peter (in Hook’s voice): I am James Hook, captain of the Jolly Roger. Hook: You are not. You are not! Peter: Say that again, and I’ll run ye through! Hook: If you are Hook, tell me, who am I? Peter: A codfish. Hook: A codfish! Peter: Yes! (A pause.) Hook: Hook, have you another voice?

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Peter (in his own voice): I have. Hook: And another name? Peter: Ay, ay. Hook: What are you? Vegetable? Peter: No. Hook: Mineral? Peter: No. Hook: Animal? Peter: Yes. Hook: Man? Peter: (loudly) NOOOO! Hook: Boy? Peter: Yes. Hook: Ordinary boy? Peter: NOOOO! Hook: Wonderful boy? Peter: YES! Hook: Peter Pan! Now we have you at last! After him, men! Take him dead or alive! “You’re really good,” said Orlando. “Ha! That wasn’t good. I haven’t even started to practice.” “Then I can’t wait to hear you after you have.” “We’ll turn you into a good Hook, too. It won’t take much. I’ll show you how.” “For you, Peter, anything.” I laughed. The waitress came with our food, and we put our scripts away. My burger was delicious. Orlando and I talked little as we ate. We smiled at each other several times, however. Kerry was still watching us now and then, but I paid him no attention. Orlando didn’t look back over his shoulder even once. Kerry’s presence

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made me a bit uncomfortable, but I wasn’t going to let him ruin my time with Orlando. I could tell Orlando was disturbed by his presence as well, but he pretended Kerry wasn’t there. I knew as I sat there that I could really fall for Orlando. I already really, really liked him. I was definitely crushing on him, and I felt as if there was something even more powerful at work. I wanted him to be my boyfriend even more than I wanted to land the role of Peter Pan. Once we finished our meals we left Kerry and Café Blackford behind. Orlando walked me home, and just before we reached my door he grabbed me, pulled me to him, and kissed me on the lips. I gasped and pulled away, my heading twisting in every direction to make sure we hadn’t been seen. “I told you I’d kiss you when you least expected it,” he said, smiled, and walked away. I watched him go, then entered the house, my heart pounding furiously in my chest and a huge grin spreading across my face.

Cedi I sat in seventh-period study hall, just after lunch, staring at my lyrics. What had seemed so awesome before now felt flawed and awkward. “You know absolutely nothing about love. This is complete idiocy. You have no talent.” The words still echoed in my mind. Why did the opinion of a complete stranger mean so much to me? If I was going to be a rock star someday or even just perform at small clubs, water parks, and state fairs, I’d have to get used to criticism. If I couldn’t handle being criticized by one complete stranger, then how could I possibly manage when professional reviewers were ripping my music apart? This guy…this stranger, there was just something about him, though. He totally pissed me off by being so mean, but there was something dark and seductive about him. Maybe meeting him in the park in the middle of the night had something to do with that. He was so mysterious and so tall. I put my lyrics away and turned to my homework instead. I thought I might as well put my enforced study period to good use.








“You! Homo boy! You’re dead meat!” I turned around. It was time for another encounter with the subspecies known as jock. Chase Simmons was bearing down on me, alone this time, but obviously pissed off. He sneered as he looked down on me and poked me in the chest. I winced. “You’re responsible! I know you are!” “What could you be talking about?” I asked in my best smart-ass tone. Chase shoved me back against my locker. Jocks were obviously big on doing that. - 21 -

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“You know damn well what I’m talking about! This!” he said, shoving a jockstrap into my face. “I didn’t know you jocks went in for pink,” I said, once he’d pulled the jockstrap away. “You did this! Coach said someone dumped red dye into the washer after school last evening, and now everything is pink!” “And you just assumed I did it? Perhaps just as I assumed you wrote Cedi is a Fag on my locker?” Chase grabbed me by the shoulders and slammed me back into the lockers again. There was a loud clang as my head hit the door. “Owwww!” “I know you did it.” “Okay, yeah, I did it. If you mess with me, it’s coming right back at ya.” Chase crossed his arms and flexed his muscles. It was quite an impressive display—or would’ve been if I was in the mood to be intimidated. “You must have a death wish.” “Death would be an excellent adventure,” I said. “Quoting Peter Pan? Let me guess, you’re one of the drama fags?” “Wrong again, jock boy.” “That’s too bad. You’d be a natural for the part of Tinkerbell. It would probably be the first time the part was ever played by a real, live fairy.” “That’s really not bad,” I said. “Yeah, I like that. It’s kind of witty. You’re not nearly as stupid as most jocks.” Josh Lucas, another of the football crowd, stepped to Chase’s side. “Is the faggot giving you trouble, Chase?” “Ohhhh, I’m so dangerous now you guys have developed a buddy system to protect yourselves from me!” “Shut up, faggot!” snarled Josh, smacking me in the side of the head. “You ruined my jockstrap with that stunt you pulled, you fucking pillow-biter!” “I didn’t know your jockstrap was so delicate. What’s it made of, silk?” Josh shoved me against the lockers and held me there. What was it with jocks and pushing guys into lockers? I mean, really! A small crowd was watching from a distance, but they weren’t too mesmerized yet, because we weren’t to the point of imminent violence. “You’re gonna pay me for it, bitch!” “Dream on, steroid boy.” “I oughta fuck you up right now.”

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“And I oughta pretend to be your boyfriend,” I said in a low voice that only Josh could hear. “Would you like that, Josh?” “What, what-da-ya mean?” “I’ve got nothin’ to lose. You and your buddies have already decided I’m queer and no doubt told everyone. There is no one more free than he who has nothing to lose.” Josh sneered at me. “You wanna be my boyfriend, Josh?” I said in my normal tone. “With that name, you’re half way to being a homo anyway.” Josh trembled with anger. He pulled his fist back as if to strike; even his arm was shaking. “Come on, Josh, give us a kiss, right here in the hallway.” I began to speak louder and louder so everyone could hear. “We don’t have to pretend anymore, Josh. Let’s tell everyone about our love! YOU’RE SO HOT, JOSH! MAKE ME MOAN LIKE YOU DID LAST NIGHT!” Josh jerked away from me as if I’d grown white-hot, his face scarlet. I advanced upon him, reaching out to hug him. “Come on, baby, hold me!” “You stay away from me, you queer!” Josh scrambled backward to get away from me, actually tripping over his own feet in his haste to escape. He went down, landing on his bum. “But Josh, I’m carrying your baby! You said you loved me! How can you just toss me away?” Chase stood there not knowing what to do. A few of the onlookers burst out laughing. I guess the sight of that buff football hunk retreating from little old me, a boy a good six inches shorter and eighty pounds lighter was just too hilarious. “Shut up!” yelled Josh, climbing back to his feet. “Everybody just shut the fuck up!” I used the general confusion to make my getaway, slipping down the hall before Josh or Chase even noticed. I had a good twenty-yard head start before they realized I wasn’t still standing there. “I’m gonna kill you, faggot!” yelled Josh. I blew him a kiss. Chase and Josh tore out after me. I bolted down the hallway, toward the student parking lot. I burst through the doors, looking wildly about for the best escape route. Chase and Josh had gained on me. I cut to the right and tore out as if the Hounds of Hell were after me, which was pretty close to the truth. The angry jocks steadily closed on me. I couldn’t outrun them.

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A car screeched to a halt in front of me. “Get in!” yelled Eddie through the open window. I yanked open the door and flung myself inside. Eddie peeled out of the parking lot, leaving the jocks shaking their fists at us as we escaped. “What did you do to them this time?” asked Eddie. “Me?” “Yes, you! Don’t play innocent with me. I know what a little devil you are. It’s part of your charm.” “I dyed their jockstraps pink.” “Dude, you are crazy!” laughed Eddie. “Hey, I’m an artist. I have to be creative.” “That’s what I like about you, dude; you’re not like everybody else. You do shit no one else would think of, and you have the balls to do it.” I laughed. “You’re making me sound much braver than I really am. Under this macho façade beats the heart of a coward.” Eddie just laughed. “Macho façade. Yeah, right!” “Damn, I’ve got a ton of homework,” I said. “You wanna hang out or somethin’?” “I like the way you think. Yeah, let’s go out to the A&W. We can talk and shit. I used to go there to check out girls, but I don’t have to do that anymore.” “Yeah, you’ve got your woman, right? Does she go to school here?” “Um, no. There’s something I should tell you about her, but you’ve got to keep it top secret.” “Okay.” “WHAT?” I screamed a few minutes later in Eddie’s car. “Dude, you are so not dating Orlando’s mom!” “Yes, I am.” “Are you serious? Isn’t that like illegal or something?” “Almost.” “Whoa, what does Orlando think about it?” “He was a touch freaked at first, but he got used to it fast enough. His mom was real lonely, and, dude, I am so into her. I never really thought that much about older women, but she was always so cool when I visited Orlando. She didn’t judge me like everybody else. Pretty much everyone just thinks I’m a total burnout, but not her.” “So, did she, like, come on to you or something?”

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“No, it was totally unplanned. I came over to see Orlando one day, but he had gone to work. His mom was in a real funk. You see, she didn’t date many guys, and those she did all turned out to be losers. The last one, Gene, even got rough with Orlando, so she dumped him. I felt really bad for her, and we talked for the longest time. Then, we were just standing there looking at each other, and we both got real quiet. I felt drawn to her. We both leaned in, and we kissed. She was kind of embarrassed, but I kissed her again real quick because she was turning me on like mad. I’m so in love with her, dude.” “Wow, that’s really cool.” Eddie pulled into the A&W, and we both ordered root-beer floats. “Dude, I really respect you for not taking any shit from the jocks, but if you keep it up they will kick your ass.” “They’ll do it anyway, so I figure why not have fun? They started this whole thing. They marked me as a poof at first sight and started in on me. They’re gonna make my life hell no matter what I do, so I’m at least going to get some punches in.” “Dude, you keep saying poof; that’s like fag right?” “Yeah. It’s what gay guys are called back home.” “You’re British, right?” “I’m from Lincolnshire, a little town called Grantham, although I spent a lot of time away at boarding schools.” “So what are you doing here? It’s not like Blackford has much to offer.” “WHAT? I was told it was the London of the U.S. I’ve been looking for the theatre district, but so far it has eluded me.” “We have one theatre, and it’s closed. So what are you really doing here?” “My aunt lives here, so when I got booted out of yet another private school, I was sent to live with her. I think Mum and Dad got tired of dealing with me. I don’t think they can quite believe I’m their son. They’re proper English gentry, and I’m somewhat of an embarrassment for them.” “So what, is your dad like a Duke or an Earl or something?” “Nothing so grand, but they’re very upper class, rather stuffy and formal. High tea and all that.” “I bet they just loved your hair.” “Hardly. That’s what got me kicked out of my last school. I was given an ultimatum, shape or up ship out, so I chose to ship out, all the way to Blackford, Indiana.” “That’s gotta suck. I don’t know what Grantham is like, but Blackford is ultra boring.”

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“Not at all. I like it much better here. I do miss being able to slip off to London now and then. Now, there’s a wicked place to visit!” “It’s like you’re from another world.” “Great Britain isn’t that different. We speak the same language after all, for the most part. I do get some strange looks when I talk, like when I asked where the football pitch was located.” “Football pitch?” “Here you call it a soccer field.” “Not the football field?” “No, where I come from, soccer is called football. We don’t play what you call football much. We play rugby. It’s like football, but rougher and without pads. The jocks here wouldn’t appreciate this at all, but where I come from American football is considered a game for poofs.” Eddie laughed so hard he nearly fell out of his seat. “You should really point that out to Chase and Josh some time.” “Oh, I’ll get around to it, don’t you worry about that.” “I guess being British explains your name,” said Eddie. “I’ve never met anyone named Cedi before.” “It’s short for Cedric. I find it less stuffy. Want to hear my full name?” “Sure.” “Okay, get this. My full name is Cedric William Arthur George Oliver Forbes-Hamilton, the Fourth.” “You’ve got to be kidding me?” “No, my family has this thing about all the males in the family carrying their ancestors’ names. That’s not all of them, of course, just some of the most notable. Our family tree has been traced back hundreds of years. We’re supposedly all descended from King Arthur, but I find that rather hard to believe.” “Isn’t King Arthur fictional?” “Oh, no, he really existed, just not like he’s depicted in the movies. The time he lived in wasn’t nearly so glamorous.” “It would be kind of cool if you were his great, great, whatever grandson.” “Perhaps. I don’t really care. I think it’s a load of rot anyway.” “That’s some name you’ve got there, Cedi. No wonder you cut it down to size.” “Yeah, have you ever tried fitting Cedric William Arthur George Oliver Forbes-Hamilton, the Fourth, onto a check?” “I can’t say that I have,” said Eddie, grinning. I looked off in the distance and was soon lost in thought.

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“So what’s up with you?” asked Eddie some time later. “What do you mean?” “Something’s eating at you. I can tell. I’m like…psychic sometimes. I used to think it was the pot, but I don’t smoke it no more.” “It’s just…” “What?” “That guy.” “The one in the park who told you that you sucked?” “Yeah, I can’t stop thinking about him.” “Oh. Sounds like the boy is falling in love.” “WHAT? Are you crazy? I’m not falling in love with him! I don’t even like him! He’s a jerk! He’s an arsehole, and he’s totally wrong about my music!” “And you can’t stop thinking about him. It sounds like falling in love to me. You even said yourself that he was kind of cool.” “I did?” “Yeah, at lunch the other day. Admit it, dude, you’re into him.” “I don’t even know who he is.” “Then maybe it’s time to find out. Blackford isn’t London after all.” “Yes, I noticed the lack of a tube system.” “Tube?” “Subway.” “So, you want to find out who he is or not?” I looked at Eddie. “Let’s do it.” Eddie drove me all over town, but we didn’t find my mystery man, which was no big surprise. He probably lived in Blackford, since he was in the park so late at night, but there was no guarantee of that. Even if he did, spotting him could take a long time. I guess it was even possible that we could live in the same town for years and never meet again. “You want to keep looking or you wanna give up for now?” asked Eddie after we’d driven around for another half hour. “Let’s just forget it for tonight. I’ve got homework to do.” “Okay, dude. Don’t worry, you’ll find him.”

Toby Orlando’s voice quavered with anxiety as our audition drew nearer. We sat in the auditorium with all the others, watching and speaking quietly as the potential actors tried out for various parts including, of course, Peter Pan. Some of the others were quite talented, but I wasn’t going to let that get to me. I was just going to do my best and see where it took me. Orlando and I had practiced our scene several times. Mainly we worked on our delivery. In our scene, Peter was very expressive and also imitated Hook’s voice part of the time. I worked on making my voice sound like Orlando’s version of Hook, which wasn’t easy because he was developing his Hook voice as we went along. He had a real talent for impersonating a pirate captain and blushed when I told him so. Our practices had been interrupted quite frequently by making out. Once Orlando had given me that first kiss, it was hard for us to stop. I wanted to kiss him every time I saw him! At last our turn upon the stage came. I knew Orlando would be glad to put it behind him. He was looking a bit green. Neither of us took our scripts. We knew the parts, and I’d told Orlando that holding a script would only tempt him to look at it. Mrs. Jelen nodded and we began. Hook: Who are you, stranger? Speak! Peter(in Hook’s voice): I am James Hook, captain of the Jolly Roger. Hook: You are not. You are not! Peter: Say that again, and I’ll run ye through! Hook: If you are Hook, tell me, who am I? Peter: A codfish.

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Hook: A codfish! Peter: Yes! (A pause.) Hook: Hook, have you another voice? Peter(in his own voice): I have. Hook: And another name? Peter: Ay, ay. Hook: What are you? Vegetable? Peter: No. Hook: Mineral? Peter: No. Hook: Animal? Peter: Yes. Hook: Man? Peter: loudly NOOOO! Hook: Boy? Peter: Yes. Hook: Ordinary boy? Peter: NOOOO! Hook: Wonderful boy? Peter: YES! Hook: Peter Pan! Now we have you at last! After him, men! Take him dead or alive! I smiled as we stepped off the stage and others took our place, especially when Krista leaned over and said, “You’re the best Peter so far, Toby.” I still had to have a talk with her. I know she wasn’t entirely happy that I was running around with Orlando, even though he and I had been friends before and during their short-lived relationship. I had no idea what she’d do when I told her

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we’d started dating. I took a seat beside Orlando, and we watched the others audition. “That wasn’t so bad now, was it?” I whispered. “Actually, it was kind of fun. I really felt like I was Captain Hook.” I had the strongest urge to lean over and kiss him, but I suppressed it. “Hey, would you mind if I went with Krista after this is over? We need to have a talk.” “About us?” “Yeah. Now that we’re getting more serious…well, I just don’t want to have to hide it from her. She’s my best friend, and, well, you know…” “Of course I don’t mind, but what if she gets upset? What if she makes you choose between the two of us?” “She would never do that.” “Yeah, you’re probably right. Krista is better than that.” Orlando looked guilty once again. I didn’t think he would ever be able to forgive himself for cheating on Krista. I was sure Kerry didn’t give what had happened a second thought, except to smirk, but Orlando was good at heart. The very fact that he still felt guilty had something positive to say about his character. After the final audition I bid Orlando goodbye and caught up with Krista. “Hey, can we talk? I’ll take you to Merton’s for ice cream.” “Sure, Toby. I haven’t seen much of you lately. What with the move and starting in at a new school, life has been hectic.” “So, how are you finding old B.H.S.?” “Pretty friendly for the most part. Several of the kids worked at the park, so there are a lot more familiar faces than I was expecting.” Merton’s Ice Cream Parlor was just a block down Main, right across from the bank and just before the post office. We walked the short distance in no time at all. Entering Merton’s was like walking back in time. The old ice-cream parlor dated back to the turn of the century, the previous one that is. The place had actually been in business for just over a hundred years! The long counter was marble, and the cash register was one of those huge brass ones with a bell that rang up sales. There were pyramids of parfait and sherbet glasses stacked at the ends of the counter and along the wall on another counter, too. Also sitting on the back counter was an ancient milkshake mixer. There was no soft-serve ice cream here like at the A&W. The ice cream at Merton’s was hand-dipped out of the dozen flavors displayed in a refrigerated glass case at the end of the counter.

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Merton’s was all dark, polished wood and white marble. It was clean and tidy and unthinkably old. If someone from 1901 walked in, he would’ve felt completely at home. Merton’s wasn’t just well preserved, it was unchanged. There was even an old white and red porcelain Coca-Cola dispenser on the back counter that advertised Coke by the glass for only five cents. You could still get it for that price, too! I ordered a banana split and Krista ordered a small caramel sundae. “You’re audition was great, Toby. Orlando did an amazing job, too.” “It’s Orlando I wanted to talk to you about,” I said, running my finger around my glass of ice water, watching moisture bead on its outer surface. “Oh?” “Well, I know what happened between the two of you and how badly he hurt you. Orlando and I were friends before all that, and, well, we still kind of are.” “Toby, I don’t expect you to end your friendship with Orlando because of me. What happened between Orlando and me is just between the two of us.” “Well, Orlando and I are really good friends and…well, we’re becoming more than friends.” “If you stick a fork in an electrical outlet, you’ll get shocked,” said Krista. “Huh?” “Oh, isn’t this where we both state patently obvious things?” “You know about us, don’t you?” “Please! You told me yourself you had a crush on Orlando, and all I have to do is look at the two of you together to see how bad you have it for him.” “You’re not mad?” “No, Toby, I’m not mad. I’m not the kind of girl who expects my friends to be angry with someone just because I am.” I let out a long breath I hadn’t even realized I was holding. Our ice cream arrived just then, and we dug in. My banana split was huge. “You’re really okay?” I asked after a spoonful of ice cream covered with pineapple topping melted in my mouth. “Yes, Toby.” “I’m so relieved. I’ve been dreading talking to you about this, but Orlando and I are getting pretty serious, so I couldn’t put it off any longer. I didn’t want to start dating him behind your back.” “It’s not like I own him, Toby—or you.” “I know, but, after what happened, well, I know he did you wrong. At first, I hated him for that, but then one day he came up to me in the park and starting

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talking. He was so miserable, Krista, and he felt so guilty for what he did to you. I’m not defending him, but I know he didn’t set out to hurt you. It’s still tearing him up inside.” “It is?” “Yeah. He hasn’t told me everything, but he hates himself for what he did to you.” Krista didn’t say anything, but she looked thoughtful. “I’m glad you’re okay with us. I couldn’t stand it if you weren’t. When I’m with him, it’s just…incredible!” Krista smiled. “I’m happy for you, Toby.” “Thanks! I wish you could find someone now. You deserve the best boyfriend in the whole world!” “Aww, you’re so sweet, Toby. If we weren’t friends and you were single…” “And not gay!” I laughed. “Yeah, and not gay, I’d be after you.” “I’m not that great.” “You’re kind and sweet and caring, Toby. Those are qualities that too many people lack.” “If only I was buff.” “You’re fine just as you are, Toby.” “Thanks,” I said, grinning. We spent some time in silence, enjoying our ice cream. That’s something I liked about Krista, we didn’t have to be saying or doing anything to enjoy each other’s company. It was a good five minutes before I spoke again. “I forgot to tell you. I think you did a great job auditioning for Aunt Millicent. That’s a great part. I hope you get it.” “I hope you get the part of Peter. I’m dying to see you in tights,” giggled Krista. “I’m going to feel naked. Those tights don’t leave much to the imagination.” “Ohhhh, now I really can’t wait,” said Krista, giggling. “Hey! I just thought of something. We should talk up the tights thing at school. That way, if some straight boy beats me out for the part, maybe he’ll give it up because he’ll feel too gay wearing tights and flying around with a fairy!” Krista rolled her eyes. “Well, we’ll find out tomorrow afternoon, won’t we?” “Yes! I can’t wait. I bet I don’t sleep at all tonight.” “You’d better get your rest. We’re both working this weekend, remember?”

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“Yeah. I can’t wait! I feel like I’ve been away from Phantom World for ages instead of only a few days. I’m going to be so sad when it closes down for the season.” “Yeah, but there is always next year.” “That’s months away—practically forever!” “I somehow have the feeling you’ll survive.” I grinned at her again. Why shouldn’t I be happy? I had a boyfriend, Krista was okay with it, and I could still work at Phantom World on weekends. If I could land the part of Peter, everything would be perfect.

Cedi I ran toward my usual lunch table, launched myself at the smooth bench, and slid a good five feet along it, bumping into Toby—all without spilling so much as a green bean. “Good one,” laughed Toby. “Chill out, Hyper Boy,” said Orlando. Eddie pretended to take careful aim and shoot me with a tranquilizer gun. “HIYA, guys!” “Calm down, little dude,” said Eddie. “Damn, you’re wound up twentyfour/seven aren’t you? What do you do, eat a whole bag of sugar for breakfast every morning?” I laughed loudly, making several heads turn in the cafeteria. “Nah, this is just my natural charm!” “You need a mute button or at least a volume control,” suggested Orlando. “I’m uncontrollable!” “Yeah, maybe we should start calling you Hurricane Cedi,” said Toby. “So, what’s up, guys?” I asked. “Toby here is waiting to see if he landed the part of Peter Pan,” said Eddie. He lowered his voice into a conspiratorial whisper. “He likes hanging out with fairies, you know.” Orlando momentarily choked and began laughing. I didn’t quite get it. “You guys are so weird.” “This coming from the boy with electric-blue hair,” said Orlando. “I was thinking of dying it purple next!” “You mean blue isn’t your natural color?” asked Eddie. “I thought everyone from Planet Cedi had blue hair.”

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“Nope, my hair is super light brown, blond I guess, at least I think so…Anyway, I’m just too gorgeous to behold when my hair is its natural color, so I dye it to prevent mere mortals from feeling inferior.” That triggered a round of groans. “Let’s take him out in the parking lot and beat the crap out of him,” suggested Orlando. “Nah, this one’s too dangerous,” said Eddie. “You’ve should’ve seen him with Josh Lucas, man. He totally took him out.” Orlando looked completely lost. “You fought Josh Lucas?” “Only in a battle of wits. Lucas lost,” I said. “Psycho warfare,” said Eddie. “Don’t you mean psychological?” asked Toby. “No, I mean psycho. This is Cedi we’re talking about here.” “I AM NOT PSYCHO!” I yelled. The cafeteria grew momentarily silent. “Um, yeah, right,” said Orlando. “What did you do, anyway?” “I pretended to be his boyfriend…and pregnant.” Toby sprayed the table with a mouthful of Diet Coke and everyone burst out laughing. “Only you would have the balls to do that,” said Orlando. “I’m surprised Josh didn’t kick your ass.” “I think he was afraid to,” said Eddie. “You don’t wanna mess with the little man here.” “I’m not little!” I said. “Here, I’ll show you!” I stood up and began to unfasten my jeans. “Down, boy!” said Eddie. I took my seat once more. “Don’t worry, I’m sure Josh will get around to kicking my bum sooner or later. The only question is, how will I make him pay?” I laughed evilly. “Eddie tells us you’re a songwriter,” said Toby. He knew that already. It was likely a ploy to distract me from possibly pulling my pants down, but I was up for talking about music any time day or night. “Yeah. Someday I’m going to be a famous rock star and you guys can tell everyone you knew me!” “I’m still not letting you sign my butt,” said Toby. “Maybe we should call him Ego Boy instead of Hyper Boy,” suggested Orlando. “You can sing?” asked Toby. “I knew you wrote songs, but…”

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“Yeah! Wanna hear me?” I started to stand up, but Toby grabbed my shoulder and pulled me back down. “Maybe later,” said Toby. “So, let me guess…you’re a drummer.” “A drummer? No way! I’m a vocalist, and I play the electric guitar!” I jumped up on the bench, too quickly for Toby to stop me this time, and played air guitar for a few moments. I hopped back down into my seat and took a bite of my so-called lasagna. “So why would you think I’m a drummer?” “You remind me of someone. He’s a drummer.” “Uh-oh, guys, here it comes,” said Eddie. “What?” I looked around the table, confused. Sometimes being the new kid on the block left me clueless. “Toby’s about to regale us with the story of the night he met Phantom…” said Orlando. “…again,” finished Eddie. “We’ve heard this what, ten million times already?” “YOU MET PHANTOM? NO WAY!” I yelled. “Met them? Ha! I hung out with them. We played Risk and…” “And Toby passed out when he met Jordan,” said Eddie, snickering. “I thought we agreed not to bring that up again,” said Toby. “I thought we agreed you wouldn’t tell this story every five minutes.” “You passed out?” I asked. “Yeah,” said Toby, turning a little red. “Jordan was really cool about it, though. When I woke up he was holding a wet washcloth against my forehead.” “Did you really meet Phantom or is this some kind of test to see how gullible I am?” “He met them,” said Orlando. “He’s got autographed photos and even…” Eddie was mouthing a countdown from five. Just as he reached zero… “Want to see my photo with Phantom?” asked Toby excitedly. Eddie burst out laughing. Toby didn’t wait for a response. He just jumped up, pulled out his wallet, and shoved it toward me. There in a wallet-sized photo was Toby surrounded by Jordan, Ross, and Kieran. “Wow!” was all I could say. “They’re so cool, and Ross is totally hyper. I always wondered if it was an act, but he’s like that in real life. He’s crazy!” “Perhaps he and Cedi are twins separated at birth?” said Eddie. “Nah, Ross is way better looking,” said Orlando.

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“HEY!” I said. “I’d kill to meet Phantom! They are my most favorite band ever!” “Kill to meet them, huh?” asked Eddie. “So if I gave you a list of names…” “You don’t know them,” said Toby. “You don’t, either,” laughed Eddie. “I bet they’d remember me if we met again, and it could happen you know.” “Yeah. Yeah.” “They own Phantom World, you know,” said Toby. “Who doesn’t know that?” I asked. “The only thing that makes moving to this Godforsaken town worthwhile is that Phantom World is practically on top of it.” “Have you been there yet?” asked Toby. “No. I moved in with my aunt the day before school started. I’m still unpacking. I haven’t had time to do much of anything yet.” “Except search for his mystery man,” said Eddie. “Oh yeah, the one who told you your song sucked,” said Toby. “MY SONG DOES NOT SUCK!” “I didn’t say it did. I said he said it did.” “Anyway, back to Phantom. What are they like?” I asked. “What did you guys talk about? I can’t believe you hung out with them! What was Kieran like? He’s my absolute favorite.” “That’s our cue to get out of here,” said Orlando, looking around at the others. “Yeah, if I have to hear all this once more, I’ll be seeing my lunch again, and it didn’t look so good the first time,” said Eddie. “You’re just jealous,” said Toby, smiling. “Later, Toby,” said Orlando. “Later, little dudes,” said Eddie. “Okay,” said Toby, turning to me. “It all started when…”








I had so much to think about I actually walked home from school instead of running. Toby was soooo lucky. I knew Phantom owned Phantom World. It was all over the news when they bought it, even back home in England. I figured they’d show up there now and then. I sure would if I owned the park. They traveled all over the world doing their concerts, so actually being there on a day when they showed up was a long shot. Toby told me he worked in the

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park—Orlando, too—so he was there almost every day. I wished that Avery guy who knew Phantom was still working there, but Toby said he’d left for school. Damn, I wished Avery had overheard me saying how meeting Phantom was my dream. Toby must have been in Heaven when Avery told him he could arrange it. I bounced off a wall of hard flesh and was knocked right on my arse. I looked up. It was him! The guy from the park! “You should watch where you’re going, kid.” “I’m not a kid!” “Yeah, right.” I pulled myself up as he went on his way. “Hey! Wait! I want to talk to you!” “Go away.” I ran to catch up with him. He wasn’t walking fast, but he was a good six inches taller than I was, and he seemed taller still. “Why don’t you like my song?” “Your song?” “Yeah! Why did you tell me my song sucked?” “I didn’t say that. I said you know nothing about love and that what you’d written was idiocy.” “But why did you say that?” The stranger let out a long breath as if disgusted by my presence. “I told you the other night. Weren’t you listening?” “Oh, like I care what you say!” “If you don’t care what I think, then you can leave me alone. Goodbye.” He began to walk away again. “But! Wait! I don’t even know your name!” “Why would you need to know my name?” he said without slowing down. I trotted along beside him to keep up. “Because I…I just do!” He stopped. “If I tell you, will you go away?” “For now,” I said, crossing my arms. “My name is Thad. Now leave me alone, kid.” He took off again. “Why do you have to be so mean?” I yelled after him. He completely ignored me. I turned around and headed back in the direction I’d been traveling, then thought better of it, turned again, and hurried before I lost sight of Thad. I followed him at a distance as he walked up Main toward the high school. He

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turned right on Culver Street and before long crossed the street and entered a house that was only a few houses down from the school. I’d been right on top of him all this time, and I never knew! I hurried away before he had a chance to see me. I liked the name Thad. It fit him. I’d gotten a much better look at him in the daylight. He was handsome, not movie-star handsome, but good looking nonetheless—yeah, tall, dark, and handsome. I didn’t know his age, but he was probably in his late 20s, definitely older than 25, but not yet 30. There was still something intriguing and mysterious about him, even after I’d met him in the full light of the late afternoon. He was so sexy. Why was I thinking that? He was a jerk. He was mean and he was a jerk. But, he’s kind of cool, too—cool and sexy. “ARRGGH!” A couple of people walking on the street looked at me. Weren’t they used to people yelling out loud for no apparent reason? I walked home and dropped my backpack on my bed. I considered doing my homework, but I had plenty else to do. There were boxes sitting all over my bedroom. I’d been trying to ignore them, but my favorite CDs were in one of them. I guess I should’ve labeled the boxes when I was packing. I grabbed the nearest box and opened it. My favorite boxers! So that’s where they’ve been hiding! Under them were several pairs of socks and more boxers. I began to throw things into drawers and to try to forget about Thad.

Toby “I’m too nervous. You look,” I told Orlando. We were standing near the bulletin board outside the auditorium where the cast list had just been posted. Mrs. Jelen hadn’t given us even a hint during drama class! The first play practice was due to start in only fifteen minutes, and what was written on that piece of paper would determine if I got to be Peter Pan or just another lost boy. “Okay,” said Orlando. He edged his way forward through the small crowd and read the list. I watched him for any hint of what was written there. His mouth dropped open and his eyes grew wide. He stumbled back to me in a daze. “Well? So? Did I get it?” “Yeah,” he said quietly. “Yes!” I said, curling my arm and bringing it down in a sign of triumph. I was to be Peter Pan! I looked back at Orlando. He didn’t seem very excited for me. He was just standing there looking lost. “What’s wrong?” I asked. He turned and looked at me. “I’m Captain Hook. I got the part of Captain Hook.” He looked utterly stunned. “Oh! Oh! This is so awesome!” “I never thought…that is to say…I mean, I thought maybe I’d be a lost boy or maybe a pirate or something, but…” “You’ll be great, Orlando, just like you were in the audition!” “But that was different. I was just doing my best to try to help you. How can I memorize all those lines and then…perform in front of all those people!” “You’ll be great. I’ll help you! We’ll memorize the lines together. Mrs. Jelen obviously thinks you can do it. I’m so excited!” I grabbed Orlando and hugged him. I couldn’t help myself. - 40 -

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“Come on,” I said. “Let’s go in.” Before we could make it through the doors, Krista grabbed and hugged me. “Congratulations, Peter. I guess I’ll get to see you in tights after all!” “Thanks, how did you do? “I got Aunt Millicent.” “Oh, what fun!” “And congratulations to you too, Orlando,” said Krista. “Captain Hook. I’m impressed.” Orlando smiled at her and looked like he just might cry. “Thank you,” he said quietly. “I’m sure you’ll be the best Aunt Millicent ever.” We went inside together, and I sat near the front with Krista and Orlando on either side of me. I looked back and forth between them and couldn’t help but smile. It was the first time they’d spoken since their breakup. Mrs. Jelen congratulated everyone on landing their roles and reminded us that every single role was important. She also announced who would be running the lights, building the sets, etc. This was a high-school production so sets would be limited to a few props and large painted backdrops of the Darling residence, the island of Neverland, and Hook’s ship. We couldn’t do any real practicing because the parts had just been given out, but there was plenty to occupy our time. Everyone had to be measured for costumes. I couldn’t wait to see Orlando in his! Mrs. Jelen also told us what scenes to start memorizing and told Orlando and me about some films to watch that might help us with our sword fighting. Orlando was visibly nervous, but I was going to help him all I could. By the time we were done practicing together he’d be the best Hook ever! An hour and a half later practice ended. I wanted to spend time with Orlando, but I really needed to start practicing my lines. Peter had more than anyone else. I had several scenes with Hook, but the ones we would be working on in the next practice were set in the Darling residence, far from Neverland. Krista ended my dilemma by telling Orlando she wanted to have a little talk with him. He looked like a man walking down a gangplank as they departed. My head was spinning. I had so much to do! Memorizing the lines was only the beginning. I’d have to get the sword fights down, as well as the blocking for all the scenes. I’d also have to learn to fly. Mrs. Jelen said I’d be flying on a rig a few times during the performance. It would be a bit primitive, of course, but I was excited. On top of all my play responsibilities, I’d still have my regular

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schoolwork, too. I wasn’t worried, only excited. I’d performed in plays before, and this was my third lead! As soon as I got home, I sat down at my desk, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on my homework with that script lying so near. Besides, I had all weekend to finish my schoolwork. Well, I had Saturday night and all of Sunday. I’d be working at Phantom World in the morning. I picked up the script and set to work memorizing a short scene. I began by thinking the words in my head a few times before speaking them. It helped to set them down in my memory. Once I was familiar with them, I spoke them out loud, putting more life into them as I got them down. Playing Peter Pan was going to be such fun! One of the scenes we’d be working on Monday afternoon was the one in which Peter met Wendy, so I began there. Wendy: Boy, why are you crying? (Peter jumps up from a sitting position at the foot of Wendy’s bed and bows to Wendy.) Peter: What’s your name? Wendy: Wendy Moira Angela Darling. What is your name? Peter: Peter Pan. Wendy: Where do you live? Peter: Second star to the right and then straight on ’til morning. Wendy: What a funny address! Peter: It isn’t! Wendy: I mean, is that what they put on the letters? Peter: Don’t get any letters. Wendy: But your mother gets letters? Peter: Don’t have a mother. Wendy: Oh, Peter, no wonder you were crying. (Wendy jumps out of bed and runs to Peter.) Peter: I wasn’t crying about mothers. I was crying because I can’t get my shadow to stick on. Besides, I wasn’t crying.

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Wendy: How awful! I could try to sew it on for you. Peter: What’s sew? Wendy: You’re dreadfully ignorant. Peter: No, I’m not! Wendy: I shall sew it on for you, but I daresay it will hurt a little. Peter: Oh, I shan’t cry. (Wendy sews Peter’s shadow to Peter. He tests to make sure it is attached.) Peter: How clever I am! Oh, the cleverness of me! I stopped reading and laughed. I loved the conceit of Peter. It was Wendy who sewed on his shadow, but he believed it was all his idea. Peter was a character I could really get into. He was cocky, conceited, and mischievous while, at the same time, kind and caring. He fought pirates and carried a sword and was truly free. I wanted to be Peter Pan, and for a short span of time I could live my dream. I began to memorize my lines. I’d do much better when I was playing opposite Wendy, but I wanted to get them down in my head as well as I could before we even started. Orlando and I would be able to practice a great deal after school, and that would help me tremendously. It also gave us an excellent excuse to spend as much time as possible together. We could take a break now and then and make out, too! I didn’t just memorize my lines. I thought about how Peter would say them and how he would move. I pictured him as a boy with a constant sparkle in his eye. He was proud and fun-loving. The way he spoke would convey that. His stance would show his personality as well. Peter would often stretch himself to his full height and would cross his arms over his chest or put his hands on his hips. I needed to put all that into my performance. The dialogue was just the beginning. My little brother Mackenzie walked into the room we shared as I was working on my lines. “You’ve finally cracked and started talking to yourself. I knew it was only a matter of time.” “I got the lead in Peter Pan!” “Was there ever any doubt?” asked Mackenzie. “After all, who better to play the part of a boy who wears tights and flies around like a fairy than my big

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homo bro?” He began laughing much too hard. Sometimes my little brother thought he was funny. Most often he was mistaken. “Maybe you could be the understudy for Tinkerbell,” I suggested. “I’m already your little brother.” I didn’t get it for several moments, but when I did I threw a pillow at him, and he went into another fit of laughter. My little brother was actually pretty cool. We’d had our differences in the past and he could still be a little jerk at times, but he was cool with me being gay. He wasn’t at first, but all that changed after a practical joke he pulled on me got way out of hand. That’s a whole other story, but suffice it to say the pain I suffered made him realize how much he cared about me. I cared a lot about the little jerk, too. Although we looked a great deal alike, Mackenzie and I were opposites in many ways. He was a hetero jock, obsessed with sports, and even though he was a year younger, he was way better built than I was. In a way, it was a little embarrassing that my little brother could kick my butt, but then again sometimes he needed me, even if he was tougher. I didn’t mind his gay jokes because I knew he meant nothing by them. Besides, I always came right back at him, and in a battle of wits I was the stronger. Mackenzie stretched out on his bed and began to read one of his sports magazines. I’d already worked far longer on getting into character than I should have. It was 10 p.m., so I reluctantly put my script aside and turned to my homework. It was nowhere near as exciting, but I wanted to get at least some of it out of the way so I wouldn’t have to worry about it later. I worked until I became drowsy, then I went to sleep and dreamed of flying to Neverland.

Cedi Saturday at last! My first week at B.H.S. was finished. It was way different from my previous school, but, duh, how could it not be? Blackford was like some town lost in time, but it definitely had potential. If there was one thing I loved, it was a challenge, and here I had more freedom than I ever did back home. I had the world’s coolest aunt! I looked at the clock. It was eleven a.m. already. I stretched, climbed out of bed, and stumbled toward the bathroom in the boxers and tank top I slept in every night. I didn’t hear any sounds in the house, so Aunt Liz was either still in bed or out and about already. Liz kept odd hours, but then she could. Liz was a poet. She’d been published and everything. She wrote her poems when inspired and did whatever she wanted the rest of the time. I don’t know how much money she made with her poems, but she appeared to have plenty. She was quite generous in giving it away to her causes. I stripped, showered, then looked in the mirror. Yeah, it was time for a change. I dug out my supplies and began the long process of changing my hair color. First, I bleached it out, which isn’t all that hard; it just takes a lot of time. Next, I colored my hair, which again wasn’t all that hard. I was sorely tempted by green, but settled on purple, which was one of my favorite colors. I wanted to get it as dark purple as possible, but I knew from experience it would turn out more lavender. When I was finally finished with the whole process, I ended up with something between bright lavender and purple. It was a good look for me. I returned to my room, which looked a good deal better than it had most of the week because I’d spent much of the previous night unpacking. There were still plenty of boxes to go, so I decided to tackle them—after breakfast. I wasn’t a neatness freak, but I had already grown sick of not being able to find anything. I still hadn’t located my favorite CDs! - 45 -

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I toasted a blueberry bagel and covered it with my favorite honey-nut cream cheese. Rather than sitting with it at the kitchen table, I carried it back to my room. One thing I loved about bagels is that they were portable. I loved donuts, too, but they could get messy. The next two hours were occupied with unloading boxes and (sort of) putting things away. I didn’t care much about how things looked as long as I could find stuff. Finally! My CDs! I had a ton of favorite groups, but, of course, Phantom was at the top of my list. Kieran was the absolute best guitarist in the entire world! Jordan and Ross were totally talented as well, but since I was a guitarist, I admired Kieran the most. I was also a vocalist and thought Jordan was a god. I actually patterned the way I sang and moved after him. I’m not some kind of copycat Jordan-wannabe, though. I have my own original moves as well. My voice is different from Jordan’s too, higher for one thing. I dreamed of playing guitar and singing in a band like Phantom. That’s what I wanted to do with my life—write and perform music. Music was my passion. I put on a Phantom CD and listened while I finished unpacking. I just let myself float away, letting the songs take me where they would. That was the sign of good music: it took one places and altered moods. Whenever I felt myself slipping into unhappiness, I put on a song with a fast beat, and soon I would be dancing all over the room, feeling nothing but pure happiness. That’s what I wanted to do for people with my songs, make them as happy as I am. When I had my room in order, I sat down at my desk and looked at my lyrics again. Thad told me I knew nothing about love. Was he right? I knew about songwriting. I had talent and I knew it, but maybe I didn’t know about love. I’d never been in love, so maybe it was one of those things you had to experience to understand. I’d been in lust plenty of times, but that was a totally different thing. I didn’t have any time for love. Music was my life, and I needed to concentrate solely on it, as much as was possible anyway. School got in the way, but it was a necessity. I’d be finished with school soon enough in any case (good riddance); then I could pursue my passion full time. Perhaps I was missing something, though, missing something that would make me a better musician. I got up and paced around my room. I hated uncertainty. I hated confusion. For as long as I could remember I’d had a plan—to become a rock star. I’d followed it with single-minded determination. Had I been so focused that I’d missed out on experiences and feelings that would make me a better artist? Part of me wished I’d never met Thad because he’d upset my happy little

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world. Who did he think he was to criticize me, and why did I let it get to me so much? “ARRGGH!” I smashed my fist against the wall, anger and frustration surging through me. I walked quickly out of my room and ran out the front door. I channeled my feelings into power and pumped my legs as fast as they could go. I didn’t even know where I was running. I just had to run, to fight any semblance of stillness, to outrun my very thoughts and doubts. Dark clouds formed overhead, blocking out the hot August sun, but doing nothing to lessen the heat and humidity. It was as if my mood had blotted out the sun and replaced it with churning blackness. Sweat poured down my face, chest, and back. Huge drops began to fall from the sky, transforming into a downpour. In mere moments I was drenched with perspiration and rain. My mind became a haze of black anger and turmoil. The temperature dropped quickly, and the sky became almost green. Still, I felt as if I were burning. Exertion and the heat of my anger warmed me. I ran through the sudden summer rainstorm, squinting to keep the rain out of my eyes. My shirt clung to my chest and back. All my clothes were soaked and sticking to me by the time I’d run a few blocks. The rain came down so hard and fast it was difficult to see, but I ran on anyway. I ran faster and harder until I thought my chest would explode. Only when I stopped, gasping for breath, heart pounding, did I realize I’d run to Thad’s house. I just stood there glaring at it for several moments, panting like an animal. I narrowed my eyes, raced up the walk, and banged on the door. Nothing happened. I banged on it again, harder. The door jerked open. “Oh, it’s you,” said Thad without the least trace of pleasure. I just stood there, panting and glaring at him. Now that I’d stopped running I began to cool off quickly. I was chilled by my rain-soaked clothes. “So, what do you want? I don’t have all day.” “I…” I realized I had no idea what I wanted. I’d come without purpose or plan. “Well?” “I…I don’t know.” “I don’t have time for this. Go bother someone else, kid.” Thad began to shut the door, but I shoved my foot in. “I’m not a kid!” I stood there, fists clenched, quaking with anger, and shaking with the chill I’d managed to give myself on a summer’s day.

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“You’re going to catch your death. What were you thinking, running in the rain like that?” “It wasn’t raining when I started running!” “Well, if you won’t go away, come inside and dry off.” He turned his back on me and walked inside, leaving the door open. I followed him in and stood in the living room, dripping onto the hardwood floor. Thad disappeared down the hall and reappeared a moment later with a towel, which he threw at me. It smacked me in the face. I was sure he did it on purpose. “You’re a real pain in the ass, you know that? Is this what you do? Annoy people?” “I just wanted to talk to you!” “So talk, and what’s up with the hair? Wasn’t it blue the last time you pestered me? Wait a minute…how do you know where I live? Did you follow me?” He asked so many questions at once I didn’t know where to begin so I just started in as I dried my hair. “Yes, my hair was blue. I change the color when I feel like it. Yeah, I followed you the other day. I wanted to see where you lived.” “Great, just what I need: a teenaged stalker.” “I’m not a stalker!” “You’re doing a damned good impression of one.” “Why are you always so mean?” I yelled. “I wasn’t aware that I was.” “You told me I have no talent! Who the hell are you anyway?” “That again? Get over it, kid.” “I can’t get over it! I worked hard on those lyrics! I put everything I had into them, and you tell me they’re garbage! I want to be a rock star, dammit! How can I even hope to succeed if you tell me my songs suck?” “If you have that little confidence in yourself, you might as well give up right now, because you’ll never be a success. So why don’t you just shut up about it and start memorizing the phrase, Would you like fries with that?” “PISS OFF! You’re infuriating!” “Why does my opinion matter to you so much?” asked Thad. “What I am to you? I don’t even know you. You’re just some damn punk who won’t leave me alone.” I felt myself tearing up, but I wouldn’t let it happen. I wasn’t going to cry in front of him. “Because I like you!”

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“What?” Thad asked, incredulously. “You’re not only a pest, you’re insane.” “I…I…” I stood there trembling, in a state of total confusion. “Oh, God, you’ve got some kind of messed-up crush on me, don’t you? I can see it in your eyes.” “I…I…” “Well get over it. I don’t date guys, and even if I did I’m not a pedophile. I don’t date little kids.” “I’M NOT A KID!” “How old are you? Thirteen?” I was so infuriated I could hardly see straight. “I’m eighteen, dammit!” “Like I said, a kid. I have socks that are older than you.” I screamed in frustration, then reined myself in. “How old are you?” “Not that it matters in the least, but I’m thirty. I’m practically old enough to be your father.” “Yeah, if you fathered me when you were twelve!” “I said practically old enough. Don’t you listen? The point is you’re way too young for me, even if I was interested, which I’m not.” “Why does age have to matter?” “Why don’t you go find yourself some little soccer player or skater boy or whoever and quit annoying me?” I let out another cry of frustration. “Stop being so mean!” “Go away, pest.” “You drive me crazy!” “You’re not doing wonders for my state of mind either, kid.” I stood there glaring at him, breathing hard. “I can see what it’s going to take to get rid of you.” Thad crossed the space between us, pulled me to him, and kissed me hard on the lips. I was so shocked my mouth dropped open as he broke the kiss and pulled away from me. “Now go away,” he said. I was stunned speechless. He took me by the shoulder, guided me to the door, and pushed me out. “Go find yourself someone else to bother, kid. I don’t have time for you.” I turned, but he shut the door in my face. I just stood there, astounded.

Toby A loud steam whistle rent the air, and I looked up to see the Frightful Express crossing over the path near the entrance to the park. It’d only been a few days, but I felt like I hadn’t seen the fire-engine-red locomotive for years. I was truly going to miss Phantom World when it closed for the season. I headed for the Fatal Falls where I was to begin my workday. I was to be in charge of letting guests through the gate two to four at a time. It wasn’t exactly a challenge, but it was a lot of fun to talk to the guests and watch the log rafts as they came careening down the last sharp incline to send a wall of water splashing in every direction. I had a few minutes before the park opened, so I ran through the safety check and double-checked the controls. I also ran the rafts around the circuit once just to make sure all was well. There wasn’t much that could go wrong with the raft ride, but safety was a big issue at Phantom World. I was just glad I wasn’t one of the guys who walked the tracks of the roller coasters every single morning before the park opened. Of course, those guys were solely responsible for The Poltergeist and The Twister. Even when I worked the roller coasters, my duties were never hazardous. I gave C.T. a wave as he took his seat at the top of the final incline. It was his job to remind everyone to stay seated and generally keep an eye on the Fatal Falls. From his vantage point he could see almost the entire ride. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t get to talk to him while we were working because he was much too far away. It was too bad C.T. didn’t go to B.H.S. Then again, with his love of theatre he might have been pretty tough competition if we tried out for the same part. I was going to miss him when we weren’t working together anymore. We’d become pretty close. We had a great deal in common, and earlier in the summer I’d had a major crush on him. C.T. was the most obviously gay boy I’d ever - 50 -

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met, which is why I was totally shocked when I asked him out and he informed me that he wasn’t gay—so much for stereotypes. It was a real shame C.T. was straight because he was way cute, with green eyes and longish blond hair that was forever falling down in his eyes. Oh, well, no one was perfect. I was going to miss a lot of people when Phantom World shut down for the season. Avery and most of the other college kids were already gone. I never got to spend a whole lot of time with Avery, but he was cool. He stepped in and saved my butt from Billy when the jerk was beating the crap out of me (which is another story). He took me to meet Phantom, too. For that I’d owe him forever! Guests started filtering into the park. One of the first in line for the Fatal Falls was none other than Kerry, who was one of my least-favorite people because he broke up Orlando and Krista. Of course, if that hadn’t happened I wouldn’t be dating Orlando, but I still thought it was pretty lousy of Kerry to seduce Orlando, especially when Orlando was dating his very own sister! Krista had been so hurt, and Orlando still felt miserable about the whole thing. That reminded me; I wanted to find out what Krista said to Orlando during their talk. I was going to ask him at the first opportunity. Kerry grinned at me knowingly. I wondered if he really knew anything or was just pretending. So far, no one but Krista and, of course, Orlando knew Orlando and I were dating. Kerry had seen us together at Merton’s, and unless he was especially dense, he’d probably figured things out already. The looks he’d given us in the ice-cream parlor were sure enough to make me think he knew we were a couple. I could see why Orlando fell for him. He looked a lot like Krista, and she was really cute. Kerry was a male version of her. He had the same blond hair and blue eyes. He also had a hot body. I might be ticked off at him, but I didn’t fail to notice his muscles. Kerry stretched while I was looking in his direction, exposing his taut abs. Wow, he had a six pack. I looked away guiltily when he caught me checking him out. I had the feeling he’d stretched just to see if I’d look, and I’d fallen for the bait. I made an effort to keep my eyes off Kerry. I looked at him only when I let him through the gate and then only for a moment. In that brief span of time his eyes probed mine, making me feel uncomfortable, but slightly excited at the same time. He had dangerous eyes. Kerry hopped back in line right after finishing his ride, and, thanks to the light crowd, he was soon within spitting distance once again. His shirt was soaking wet, causing it to cling to his muscular body. It outlined his pecs and

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abs so perfectly he might as well have been shirtless. There was no one in line behind Kerry at all, and he lingered, gazing into my eyes like a tiger staring down its prey. “You’re Orlando’s little friend, aren’t you?” he asked. “Yeah, we’re friends. You’re Krista’s brother, right?” “Yeah, that’s right. You know my sis, too. She’s talked a lot about you—not to me, of course, but to Mom and Dad. Sis doesn’t quite approve of me.” “Can you blame her?” “Meow, the kitty has claws. I guess she and Orlando filled you in on all the details of our little episode.” “Enough of them.” “You don’t approve.” “Do you expect me to?” “Look, kid, if Orlando was happy with my sister, nothing would have happened.” “You seduced him.” “It wasn’t that difficult. He wanted me. He just didn’t know it. Just like you.” “Huh?” “You want me, too,” he said, looking at me seductively. I felt myself being pulled toward him, but I fought it. “You wish. I have Orlando, so I don’t need…” I felt my face grow hot with anger. He’d tricked me. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. Damn, I can’t believe Orlando gave me up for you.” Kerry looked me up and down. “Still, you are kind of cute.” “And under-aged.” “If you’re under-aged for me, you are for Orlando, too. Now, isn’t that interesting?” “What do you mean by that?” “Just an observation. How old are you anyway?” “Sixteen.” “Damn, you look younger. Sixteen is not under-aged, not that it matters to me. What time do you get off work?” “Not until eight, why?” “Why don’t I pick you up, and we can go for a drive or something?” “Uh, no.” “Come on, kid, I’m a lot of fun. Orlando can tell you all about that.” “Your raft is waiting. Other guests are coming.”

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Kerry grinned at me. He leaned in real close and whispered, “You know you want me. Why fight it?” I shook my head. The nerve! “Go!” I said, pointing toward a raft. “You’re just angry because you know it’s true,” he said, with a meaningful glance down at my crotch. I was noticeably excited, and I was angry at Kerry for noticing and at myself for letting it happen. Kerry smiled knowingly and moved along. Despite myself, I couldn’t help but check out his butt. His wet shorts clung to his cheeks, leaving little to the imagination. I shivered as if a force of darkness had passed. I was not at all pleased by what had just happened, but those few moments with Kerry made me understand Orlando a lot better. I knew Kerry had seduced him on more than one occasion, but I’d never understood how Orlando could let it happen when he cared so much for Krista. Now I did. Kerry was extremely seductive. There was just something about him that made one want to do what he said. It was as if he possessed some kind of mind control or magic. Even with all I knew about him, I’d actually been tempted to meet him after work. A part of me was still intrigued by the idea. I wasn’t going to do it. No way! Still, the desire was there, even if it was being outweighed by loyalty and plain, old common sense. If I was single and didn’t know about Kerry’s reputation, he could have seduced me in an instant. What gave Kerry that kind of power? He was sexy, sure, but so were lots of other guys. He was good looking and built, but he hardly had a monopoly in those areas, either. I guess I’d never know what lay behind his allure. Maybe he possessed some kind of pheromone that drove gay boys crazy or something. At least I was lucky enough to know what kind of guy he was. That, and my loyalty to my boyfriend would allow me to avoid being caught up in Kerry’s web. The park grew more crowded, and I had little time to think about Kerry, which was just as well. I got caught up in talking to the guests. A couple of girls flirted with me big time, which made me feel pretty good about myself, even though I wasn’t interested. Before I knew it, my shift on the Fatal Falls drew to a close, and I headed for the Ghoul Lake raft ride, which was on the opposite end of the park. I used my employee card to buy some cotton candy along the way. Everyone who worked in the park got everything for 50% off and got a $10 per day spending allowance, too. Prices were very reasonable in the park, so $10 went a long way at 50% off. It accumulated, too! Working in Phantom World rocked,

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and I loved thinking of Jordan, Ross, and Kieran as my bosses! I actually worked for Phantom! How cool is that? The scent of corn dogs, just-fried donuts, and funnel cakes wafted on the air as I strolled toward the lake. Music and laughter filled the air. Once again I thought to myself how lucky I was to work in Phantom World instead of somewhere flipping burgers. Krista was waiting on me when I arrived at Ghoul Lake. It was a raft ride, too, but whereas the Fatal Falls was a thrill ride, Ghoul Lake was just a calm ride over the surface of a small lake. It was popular with old people and families who had little kids. It was peaceful there even though the most intense ride in the entire park, The Poltergeist, was on the far edge of the lake. Part of the roller coaster actually extended out over the lake and the roar of the coaster and the excited screams of the guests echoed over the water. Like most of the rides in Phantom World, Ghoul Lake was automated, but someone had to be there to let guests through the gate a few at a time. Sometimes it was necessary to stop the ride to give older guests or someone in a wheelchair more time to get on or off. Watching over the ride was an easy job most of the time, and I knew Krista and I would have time to talk. We were really busy for the first 45 minutes of our shift. There was a constant line, which wasn’t surprising for a Saturday. There was a lull after about an hour, but I didn’t get bored with Krista there. On some rides, like the roller coasters, there was never a break in the line, but the calmer rides weren’t quite as popular, so sometimes there weren’t many guests. I considered asking Krista about the talk she had had with Orlando, but I figured I’d just wait and ask him. He was working, too, and we were scheduled to meet up near the Ferris wheel after we both got off. Besides, Krista and I had already discussed Orlando, and she wasn’t upset about us dating. I knew it wouldn’t be easy on her, however, which was yet another reason not to bring up the topic. “Have you met any hotties at school yet?” I asked. “I haven’t been paying too much attention. I’ve been busy getting settled in, and I’ve spent most of the week on homework.” “I know what you mean about the homework. I’ve been buried!” “It was always like that at the beginning of school and after Christmas vacation at my old school. Once things get going the work spreads out a bit.” “I hope it does. I’ve got tons of dialogue to memorize. Orlando and I…” I trailed off, feeling a bit guilty.

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“Toby, it’s okay to talk about Orlando in front of me. I know you’re friends, and I know you’re dating. You’re not going to hurt me by talking about him.” “The last thing I want to do is hurt you.” “I know. You’re a good friend, Toby. So, what were you going to say?” “Just that Orlando and I are going to work on our lines together. We share quite a few scenes. You and I should get together sometime, too, and work on the scenes we share. There’s only a couple, but I know I wouldn’t mind getting in the extra practice.” “Me, either. Unlike you, I’m not a Broadway star.” I laughed. “This is my third lead in a high-school play. That hardly makes me a Broadway star.” “You’re much closer than I am.” “Yeah, but you want to be a veterinarian, and my dream is to become an actor, so I put a lot more time into drama.” “I thought you put a lot of time into drama because you’re gay, Toby.” “Everybody’s a comedian,” I said. “I am not a drama queen.” “I’m just messing with you.” Time passed quickly with Krista. Soon it was time to move on. I headed for The Twister, while Krista departed for her shift on Phantom World Railroad. Lunch followed my shift on the roller coaster, and I was hungry! I didn’t have the same lunch hour as Krista, Orlando, or even C.T., but I didn’t mind. I was never lonely in Phantom World, even when I was alone. I bought myself some chicken fingers, curly fries, and a Diet Coke and sat down near the Splashing Specter. I watched guests as they rode the water roller coaster or just ambled by eating cotton candy, ice cream, or whatever. I drank in the sights, sounds, and scents of the park as I enjoyed my lunch. No matter where one went in the park there was music, good music. I guess that shouldn’t have been a surprise considering that Phantom owned the park. They knew music. I wondered who was performing today. All summer long there had been different bands performing—some fairly well-known, some local, and a lot of unknown bands from all over. Phantom was using the park as a showcase for new talent, which I thought was way cool. They must’ve spent a ton of time finding, auditioning, and hiring bands to play. Earlier in the summer there was even a boy band from Venezuela called Uff. They sang mostly in Spanish. I couldn’t understand most of the words, but I loved their music. I even bought their CDs. They were way cute, too, all six of them. The girls went crazy over them, and I would’ve made out with any of them if I’d had the chance.

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The rest of my day passed quickly, which was no surprise at all. Working at Phantom World wasn’t work, not really. Sure, I would’ve rather just been running all over the park having fun, but it sure beat mowing lawns or stocking dog food. Just being around all those people having a good time made me enjoy myself. It wasn’t dark yet when my work day was done at eight, but the shadows were quickly lengthening. The millions of lights strung along the paths, in the trees, and throughout the gardens gave the park an enchanted feel in the failing light. I loved to watch the lights of the carousel at night as it slowly went ’round and ’round while enthralling calliope music played. I didn’t have time to watch the carousel on this evening, however, because I was meeting Orlando near the Ferris wheel. I walked quickly to our rendezvous. Suddenly, I couldn’t stand to be parted from him for a moment longer. It was all I could do to keep myself from hugging and kissing him when I set sight on him at last. “I’m starving,” said Orlando. “Let’s get something to eat.” My stomach was rumbling as well. It’d been a long time since I’d eaten my chicken fingers and curly fries. “What are you up for?” I asked. “I’ve been thinking about a big submarine sandwich all day,” said Orlando, “and maybe a bag of sour-cream & onion chips.” “Then let’s go for it: sounds good to me.” Not much later we were sitting back at our rendezvous point, chowing down on foot-long submarine sandwiches and chips while we watched the brightly lit Ferris wheel rotate slowly in the growing darkness. The submarine sandwiches at Phantom World were extra good. They were made with all kinds of lunchmeats and cheeses, with shredded lettuce, tomatoes, thinly sliced red onions, and about anything else you could name. I had mine loaded down and chose honey-mustard sauce to go on it. Orlando got a loaded sub, too, but with ranch. “You know what else I’ve been thinking about all day?” asked Orlando as we ate. “What?” “Making out with you.” I grinned. “Well, if you walk me home, you’ll get your chance.” I wanted to kiss him right then and there, but neither of us was out, so it wasn’t a wise idea.

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“There’s something I’ve been wondering about all day. How did your talk with Krista go?” “Way better than I expected. She’s still not happy about what I did to her, and who can blame her, right? I think there’s a good chance we can be friends again, though. This is kind of embarrassing to admit, but I got so upset talking about how I’d cheated on her that I cried. She was even more forgiving after that. She said you told her how guilty I felt, and I think that helped too, so thanks.” “No problem. What are boyfriends for?” We hadn’t actually discussed the B-word, but Orlando and I were growing closer and closer. He reached out and took my hand. “Boyfriend, huh? I like the sound of that.” “You mean it?” “Yeah. I’ve been thinking a lot about us, Toby, and, well, I don’t know how things will work out, but I’d like to explore a relationship with you. I really like you and I’m happy when I’m with you. We have a lot of fun together, and…you’re pretty cute, too. I lie awake at night thinking about you sometimes.” “What do you think about, when you’re thinking about me?” “Just being with you, kissing you…making love.” “You’re going to get me excited,” I said. “Good.” I grinned. “Oh yeah, Krista said something else during our talk,” said Orlando. “What?” “She said she’d rip my balls off if I hurt you.” “Ouch!” “She wasn’t kidding, either.” “I guess you’d better be good to me then.” “Oh, I will be. Why don’t I buy us some donuts after we finish these subs?” “Mmm, you’re the perfect boyfriend—donuts.” Orlando laughed. We ate in silence for a while. We sat so close together our shoulders and legs were touching. The contact was enough to make me breathe a little faster, and I felt an overpowering urge to kiss Orlando. I wanted to make out while he held me in his strong arms. “Wanna ride the Ferris wheel before we get those donuts?” asked Orlando. “Yeah.”

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We waited in line for a few minutes, then were seated side by side. C.T. was working the Ferris wheel and grinned at me as he made sure we were securely fastened in. Did he suspect Orlando and I were a couple? We rose in the air before I could ponder it, and Orlando took my hand. I felt giddy, and a warm feeling of contentment flowed through my whole body. Holding hands with Orlando was the most wonderful thing ever. The warm air of the August night wafted around us. More and more of the park spread out below us as we rose higher and higher. Phantom World was like a garden of lights when viewed from on high. When we reached the very top, the Ferris wheel stopped while yet more guests were getting on the ride. Orlando leaned over and kissed me. At first, his lips barely brushed mine, but then he pressed them against me harder. I parted my lips, and Orlando slid his tongue inside. In moments our tongues were entwined. Our lips didn’t part until the Ferris wheel began to move once again. “Wow!” was all I could say. Orlando grinned. He stared into my eyes and brushed the hair out of my face. I was glad he didn’t look down at my lap, because I was more turned on at that moment than I ever had been in my entire life. I guess it would’ve been okay for him to see how excited I was, but I was still kind of shy when it came to matters of sex. I was glad I’d have Orlando to teach me about such things. “I couldn’t wait for the walk home,” said Orlando. “I’m glad you didn’t. Now I can’t wait for the walk home, either.” Orlando grinned again. I was falling in love.

Cedi Weekends are the best! You’ve gotta love two whole days with no school! If I knew who came up with the idea of weekends I’d kiss him on the lips. Okay, there were lots of guys I’d kiss on the lips—girls, too—but you know what I mean. I’d kiss Thad on the lips in a flash. What was it about that guy? Why couldn’t I get him out of my mind? He was a jerk, yet I liked him. How could he be so mean and so cool at the same time? It defied logic. “Okay, enough of that!” I said out loud to no one, since I was alone in my room. My room was looking good. I was all unpacked at last. Sure, my boxers and socks were just thrown into drawers and some of my stuff was in piles, but I knew where it all was. Liz didn’t care if my clothes were folded or my books organized, so why should I? I turned on my computer and hopped on the Internet. I started up my Yahoo Messenger, but my friends’ list was empty. No one was on—not my old friends back in England or the new friends I’d begun making at school. Of course, a fair number of my new friends worked at the amusement park. I wanted to go there soon, but I was low on cash so a trip would have to wait. In the meantime, I needed something to do so I wouldn’t start bouncing off the walls. Suddenly, I heard a knock through my speakers, and Eddie appeared on my messenger. I still got a kick out of his screen name, laidback_frenchfries_not_so_punk. Only Eddie would create a screen name that meant absolutely nothing. Of course mine, EEEEOWWW-Brit-boy, wasn’t exactly filled with meaning either; nor was it accurate, since I’d moved. “Dude, what up?” appeared on my screen. “Nodda.” - 59 -

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“Wanna hang?” “Sure.” “I’ll come pick you up.” “Cool, come save me from boredom.” “See ya in a few.” With that he was gone. I turned off my messenger and signed off. I’d planned to check my email, but that could wait. It was probably just a bunch of junk anyway. Like I wanted to watch Candy and her lesbian friends get naked, or add five inches to my penis. Well, maybe two, but not five. Like that stuff worked anyway; who were they kidding? I wondered if I could sell penisenlargement kits on the Internet. I could just mail out a brick and a string with instructions. Eddie would arrive soon, so I pulled a pair of socks from my sock drawer and dug through the closet for a shirt. Yeah, it wasn’t a school day, so it was the perfect time to wear one of my favorite shirts. It was bright blue with a big smiley face and a rainbow on the front. Under the smiley face it said, “I hate myself and I want to die.” I loved watching people’s expressions when they read it. I decided to wear my sandals, so I pulled my socks back off and shoved them in the drawer. I saw Eddie pull up out front, so I hurried out of my room and out the front door. I ran for his car and jumped in the front seat. “HIIIIII!” “You are way too cheerful, boy, and what’s up with that…” Eddie burst out laughing. “I love the shirt, dude. I was going to ask why you were wearing a shirt with a damned smiley face on it, but now I see why.” “Hey, you want to go to Phantom World sometime?” I asked. “I’ve never been. Not today, but sometime.” “Sure, dude that would be cool. I’ll talk to Orlando. He can score some tickets for us probably. He gets some free because he works there. If he hasn’t given them away already, I’m sure he’d give us a couple.” “Cool, I’m kind of short on cash.” “That’s the story of my life,” said Eddie. “But don’t you have a sugar momma?” Eddie swung at me, but I moved before his fist could connect with my shoulder. “You’re just jealous because I have a sex life.” “I still can’t believe you date Orlando’s mom. You and Orlando are like best friends. It must be so weird.”

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“It’s…different, but I promised not to make him call me daddy if I marry his mom.” “Oh, man, could you imagine if you married his mom? That would mean that Orlando would be going to high school with his dad, sort of!” “So how’s your love life?” asked Eddie. “What’s a love life?” “You poor boy. What about your obsession, Tad or Thad or Ted or whatever his name is?” I had already told Eddie about going to Thad’s house. “Thad, and I’m not obsessed with him.” “Yeah, keep telling yourself that, dude. You’re just this side of being his stalker.” “He just intrigues me is all.” “I think you want him.” “Nah, I was thinking of maybe looking for a girl.” “A girl? Come on, from what I’ve seen you’re only interested in guys.” “I am too interested in girls!” “Dude, chill out. I don’t care who gets you hot. Girls or guys, it doesn’t matter to me. Some of my best friends are homos. I’m like…surrounded by them.” “I’m not a homo…and I’m not straight, either. I hate labels! I’m just gonna go with who I want, when I want. If it’s a girl, okay; if it’s a guy, that’s fine, too.” “I like your attitude, man.” “Have you ever been hot for a guy?” “Nah, not me. Guys don’t have anything that interests me. What they’ve got I have already. If a guy did turn me on, I’d go for it, though, if I was single, that is.” “Cool.” “Hey, can we stop somewhere and get a newspaper? I forgot. Liz asked me to pick up one for her the next time I was out.” “Sure thing, dude. They sell them in the drug store.” A couple of minutes later Eddie pulled up in front of the drug store. I ran in, bought a paper, and ran back out. I jumped in the front seat again. “Okay, let’s go!” Eddie pulled out into what passed for traffic in Blackford, and I glanced at the front page of the paper. Eddie was going on about how he’d recently destroyed the pot farm in his basement because his new woman didn’t approve. He was saying a bunch of other stuff, too, but I wasn’t paying attention. I just stared at the front of the paper.

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“Hello? Cedi? Are you in there, dude?” asked Eddie, looking over at me. “It’s him,” I said, still in a state of shock. “Him who?” “Him! Thad! There’s an article about him on the front page of the paper!” “Why, did he grow a record-size squash or somethin’? That’s the kind of thing that’ll land you on the front page around here.” “No, look!” Eddie pulled the car over and cut the engine. I held the paper so we could both read it.

The Blackford Dispatch—Wednesday, August 27, 2003 BEST SELLING NOVELIST TAKES UP RESIDENCE IN BLACKFORD Best-selling novelist Thad T. Thomas moved to our quiet little community earlier this month. Thomas is known worldwide for his vampire series of novels and has been referred to as the male Anne Rice. Thomas has purchased a large Victorian farmhouse to the south of town and is temporarily residing in the old Brody home on Culver Street until renovations are completed on his new home. (See story “Local Landmark to Be Restored to Former Grandeur” on page 4.) In a short interview Thomas indicated that he moved to Blackford for peace and quiet. “Actually, I’m returning home,” stated Thomas. “I practically grew up on the Egler Farm. I’ve lived in Chicago, L.A., and New Orleans, but none of those places have felt right, so I’m returning to what was familiar to me as a boy. I was always intrigued by the abandoned brick farmhouse on my grandparents’ property. Grandpa Angel and Grandpa Kurt did a lot of work on the old place to keep it from deteriorating past saving, but the old home needed someone to bring it back to life, and who better than me? My roots are here, and I still have family in Blackford.” Thomas is currently working on the 12th, 13th, and 14th novels in his series. “I like to let my novels sit between drafts, so I’m always working on at least three. I’ve had as many as five going in various stages,” said Thomas. “I’ve come to Blackford because I remember it as a quiet place, and that’s just what I need—someplace I won’t be disturbed.” “We here at the Dispatch want to take this opportunity to welcome Thomas back to his old hometown. We’re sure he’ll find the peace and quiet he’s seeking here.”

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“Dude, the guy you’ve been going on about is Thad T. Thomas? He’s famous. Even I have his books, and I don’t read!” “I didn’t know he was famous. I thought he was just a guy.” “I guess that’s why he thought he could tell you your song sucked. He’s a famous novelist.” “Gee, thanks, that makes me feel soooo much better.” “You’d better watch out, Cedi. I’ve heard he actually is a vampire. That’s why he knows so much about them.” “Get real, Eddie.” “Seriously. Say you and him hook up and you’re making out. He’ll be chewing on your ear, and then he’ll sink his teeth right into your neck!” Eddie dove for my neck. I thought he was really going to bite me. I shoved him away. “You are so weird.” “Which is why you like me,” stated Eddie with confidence. “I can’t argue with that.”








I wandered around town after Eddie dropped me off at my aunt’s. Sometimes I just needed to wander aimlessly. There was a great deal to be said for wasting time. I was ever so slightly homesick, but just barely. It’s not as if I’d spent a great deal of time at home anyway. Most of my life had been spent in one boarding school or another. British prep schools left much to be desired. I wondered if American boarding schools were as stuffy and boring. I was much happier right where I was. Auntie Liz made a better parent than my parents. She took care of me and was around if I needed her, but she didn’t get in my face or give me trouble. If I’d known life could be so good with her, I would’ve moved long ago. There was no changing the past, however, so I was determined to enjoy the present. I found myself in the park, and my thoughts tried to turn to Thad. I wouldn’t let them, though. I thought way too much about him. Even as I tried to deny him entrance into my mind, he kept sneaking in. Everything I laid eyes on brought him to mind. There was no escape! Despite my best efforts, my head was in the clouds, and the consequences were dire. Before I even knew anyone was near, a voice broke into my thoughts. “Well, well, well, what do we have here, the little British queer? Do they have so many fags over there they’ve begun to export them?”

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I turned on my heel. Chase was standing not ten feet from me. “Your obsession with me makes me wonder about you,” I said. “Huh?” I almost felt guilty for playing mind games with a jock—almost. “You’re hot for me, aren’t you?” “Oh, that’s it! I am so tired of your smart mouth, faggot. I’m gonna kick your ass all over the park!” “You’re going to kiss my…” That’s as far as I got. Chase lunged for me. I dodged him and bolted. We played a game of tag all over the park. The consequences of becoming “it” were quite serious, however. If Chase managed to get his hands on me I was a goner. He’d pound me into haggis. I zipped and dodged about, using Chase’s heavier, muscular build against him. I was light and agile, a speedboat to his destroyer. It infuriated him when I laughed as I danced about him, but I couldn’t help myself. Perhaps I was too stupid to be afraid, but there was fun to be had in almost any situation. Chase’s anger and frustration, while potentially dangerous, was also a constant source of amusement. It’s too bad he couldn’t be boxed and sold to children as a toy for Christmas. He would be hours of fun. I miscalculated, though, slipped, and went down. Before I could get to my feet, Chase had me. He delivered a quick and rather painful blow to my stomach that made me groan. He pulled back his arm for a punch that would’ve done serious damage to my face, but I saw my chance and kicked him right in the family jewels. He dropped like a sack of potatoes, and I made my escape. Put one down for Cedi! I took out a jock! Chase was quite obviously pissed; at least the string of foul language he sent hurtling after me seemed to indicate as much. His words were far less painful than his fist, however—not painful at all, in fact. Chase had no real right to be pissed off at me. He had a swift kick in the nuts coming. He attacked me, after all. I only racked him up in self-defense. It seemed only fair considering the difference in our sizes. Chase could practically make two of me. Chase pulled himself up and came after me once more. He was a good deal more serious about bashing my face than before, but a good deal less maneuverable in his damaged state. I was getting a bit winded, so I grabbed a limb of a young maple and pulled myself up. I began to climb. Unfortunately, Chase followed me up the tree. I was light, but he was strong, so I had a good deal of trouble staying out of reach. The limbs began to bend under my weight as I climbed up and up. One gave on me entirely and I only just managed to catch

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myself. Chase, being heavier, began to have a good deal more trouble than I was having. Quite soon he was forced to give up the chase, because the limbs wouldn’t support the weight of his muscular body. He growled at me and climbed back down, staring up at me like an angry dog. I stayed right where I was. At first, Chase gave every appearance of waiting me out. I had to come back down sometime, after all. After only a few minutes he gave up on the idea, however, apparently deciding it would be easier to catch me some other day. I felt like a cat who had managed to escape the clutches of a Doberman. I rather liked the view from the tree, although I climbed a bit lower, since the branch I was sitting on was cracking beneath me. I stayed up there a good long time, just looking over the park. When I grew bored, I hung upside down from a limb like a giant bat. I began to get dizzy, however, and wondered how bats managed to sleep upside down. If I tried it, I’d surely fall. The park was entirely Chase-free when I dropped to the ground some time later. My stomach still ached faintly, but the game had been worth it. I was quite sure Chase would want to play again, and soon. I considered retaliation for the punch in the abs, but I had nailed him where it counts, so, if anything, I was ahead. It was almost a shame, really; I had so many ideas on tormenting jocks. I was sure I’d get my chance, however, for Chase and his buddies showed every sign of coming back for more. I continued my wandering, this time working on lyrics in my head. Sometimes they just came to me out of the blue like that. Sometimes the music came along at the same time, sometimes not, and sometimes the music came all on its own. I’d given some thought to studying music, but I wanted to go my own way and do my own thing. If I attended a music school, even a rather good one, I’d be overly influenced by others. The teachers would try to make me do it their way. I guess I was influenced by others, in any case, but only when I allowed it. No, the safe path wasn’t for me. I was unique. I was Cedi!








I looked across the street at Thad’s house, still debating. I held his towel in my hand, the one I’d taken home by accident. Returning it would provide me with a convenient excuse for coming to see him again, but what then? It wasn’t like me to be timid, so I rushed across the street. I ran up the steps and knocked on the door before I even had time to think about it. Why waste all that time thinking anyway? There was no answer. I knocked again, louder.

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“Hold on, just a minute!” called a voice from inside—Thad’s voice. He pulled open the door and looked down at me. “Oh, it’s you. I thought I’d gotten rid of you.” “I, uh, came to return your towel.” “I suppose you want to come in.” “Have you ever tried being polite?” I asked crossly. “It only encourages people to interrupt my work.” “You’re a famous writer, aren’t you? I saw your picture in the paper.” “I’m a writer who can’t get any work done because a little punk keeps knocking on my door. Come on in if you must. Let’s get this over with.” He turned his back on me and walked inside, just like he did on my previous visit. He obviously didn’t care whether or not I followed. He infuriated me. “Okay, what do you want this time?” he asked after I’d followed him into the living room. “I can’t stop thinking about you,” I said. It was the first thing that came to my mind. “I’m not looking for a stalker.” “I’m not a stalker! I just want to spend time with you, okay? I just want…” “God, I knew it. You’re infatuated with me.” “I am not! Well, kind of, sort of…I don’t know!” “Look, kid, we discussed this before. I’m old enough to be your father.” “I’m not a kid, and you are not that old!” “I’m thirty; you’re still in high school. Didn’t I tell you to go find yourself some little high-school boy to play with?” “I don’t want a high-school boy! I want you!” I stood there in the middle of his living room, my fists clenched, and my breath coming hard and fast. Had I really just said that? “I’m not interested.” “Yes you are! That’s why you let me come inside again! That’s why you kissed me!” “I kissed you to get rid of you.” “So kiss me again and see if I go away.” Thad looked more like he wanted to belt me in the mouth than kiss me, but he stepped toward me, leaned down, and kissed me on the lips. The kiss deepened and he wrapped his strong arms around me. His lips parted, and I slipped my tongue into his mouth. Our movements became more urgent, and I tore at his shirt.

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Suddenly, I was sitting on the floor, flat on my bum, looking up at Thad in shock. He’d shoved me away, roughly. “Get out.” “But we…but you…” “Get out!” My mind was a whirlwind of confusion. He’d responded to my kiss with hunger, but right when things were getting good, he’d gone all cold and aloof. My body shuddered, and I could feel a sob trying to force its way up my throat. I scrambled to my feet and ran for the door. I was no more than down the front steps when the sob escaped. I ran up the street toward the school, tears blinding me. Mere minutes later, a car horn honked and I jumped. I turned to see Eddie’s car. He pulled to the curb, opened the door, and stood. “Dude, what’s wrong?” I quickly glanced at Orlando, who was sitting in the passenger seat. My sobs had already stopped, but tears still flowed from my eyes. “Come on, get in,” said Eddie. Orlando got out and climbed into the back seat so I could have the front. Eddie and I got in, and Eddie took off driving again. “Dude, what’s wrong?” Eddie repeated. My eyes went toward Orlando again. “You can talk in front of Orlando.” “But this is about…” I tried to convey my meaning with my facial expression. “About the guy you’re obsessed with?” My mouth dropped open in shock at Eddie’s betrayal. Maybe he didn’t think it was such a big deal, however. After all, I had put that banner in the boys’ locker room that read, “Revenge of the Homo!—Cedi.” Everyone at school assumed I was a poof, so the news that I had a crush on a guy sure wasn’t earth-shattering. My feelings for Thad, whatever they were, were personal, though. “Relax, little dude, Orlando’s not going to tell anyone. We all have our little secrets. Both of you already know mine.” “You have a secret, Orlando?” I asked. “Yeah, and if you promise to keep it, I’ll tell you.” “Okay, I promise.” “Toby is my boyfriend.” “Are you serious? I knew you were friends, but…”

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“Yes, I’m serious. We’ve just started going out together, but we’re now officially dating.” “So see, your obsession with Thad isn’t a shocker,” said Eddie. “I’m dating Orlando’s mom, and Orlando is dating Toby. I’d say you fit right in with our little group, so I’ll ask you again—what’s wrong?” “It’s…I’m just so confused! I’m not sure how I feel about Thad. He said I was infatuated with him—accused me of it, I should say. I like him. I really, really like him, and maybe I am infatuated with him, but he’s such a jerk! He’s so mean! He’ll be all cool for a little while, then he just…changes. We kissed again.” “Whoa, making out with the older man, huh?” asked Eddie. “Older man?” asked Orlando. “Yeah,” said Eddie. “Cedi’s crush is like, what, twenty-five?” “He’s thirty.” “Thirty?” asked Orlando. “Whoa, that’s almost as old as my mom. You like a guy who’s thirty?” “He’s soooo cool,” I said. “He’s mysterious, and when I see him…” “Go on,” said Eddie. “I just go crazy!” “How can you tell?” asked Orlando, laughing. “From what I’ve seen you’re always crazy.” I grinned at Orlando. The more time I spent with him, the more I liked him. “He’s so maddening, though! Every time we’re together, he calls me a kid and tells me to go away.” “Maybe he’s just not interested. You are almost half his age,” pointed out Orlando. “That’s just it—I’m almost positive he is interested. The first time he kissed me, he said he did it so I’d go away, but even though it didn’t last long, there was something there. And just now, when we kissed again, he was getting into it. I know he was, but then he shoved me away and told me to get out. Every time things start getting good he pushes me away.” “Maybe…” said Orlando. “What?” “Well, I don’t want to hurt you, but maybe he really isn’t interested in you, and you just think he is because that’s what you want. Maybe you’re just seeing what you want to see.”

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“Maybe,” I said, “but I don’t think so. When I look into his eyes I see something—loneliness, pain. He needs someone. I know he does. I know I should probably just leave him alone, but I can’t get him out of my mind.” “The boy has it bad,” said Eddie. “Maybe he does want you, Cedi, but you are a lot younger than he is. Maybe he’s afraid people will think he’s some kind of pedo or something.” “I’m eighteen, dammit!” “Calm down. I’m just trying to put myself in his shoes. You are a guy, too, and even though our little group here doesn’t see anything wrong in that, a lot of people do. Don’t forget Thad is a public person. Maybe he’s afraid his book sales will nosedive if people find out he’s gay.” “Public person?” asked Orlando. “Oh, yeah,” said Eddie. “Cedi here has it bad for none other than Thad T. Thomas.” “The novelist?” “Yeah.” “I read he moved here. I couldn’t believe it.” “Yeah, and Cedi has been locking lips with him and trying for a whole lot more if I know Cedi.” I grinned and turned slightly red. “Maybe he thinks you’re some kind of obsessed fan,” said Orlando. “I bet he has lots of them.” “I’ve never even read one of his books!” “That doesn’t surprise me. No pictures,” said Eddie. “Oh, and you’re such an intellectual!” I yelled. “Calm down, little dude. Damn, we gotta get you some Prozac or somethin’.” “Drugs are the last thing he needs,” said Orlando. “Grrr, like mother, like son,” said Eddie. “He said I should find myself a high-school boy to date,” I said. “Hands off Toby. He’s mine!” said Orlando. “You probably could, you know,” said Eddie. “But I don’t want a high-school boy! I want him!” “I can see where an older man would have his attractions, if older men are anything like older women,” said Eddie. “Don’t go there,” said Orlando. “Yes, son.” “Shut up!”

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“I just can’t figure him out,” I said. “I mean, if he told me to leave him alone, and I thought he really meant it, I probably would. Something is holding him back, but he wants me. I just know it.” “Don’t we have a high opinion of ourselves,” said Orlando. “I happen to be incredible in bed!” “He’d be energetic at least,” said Eddie, smiling. “So, Cedi, when are you going to go back and visit daddy again?” I considered telling him to shut up, but it was hard to get mad at Eddie. “Soon. Very soon. Drop me off at the library.” “The library?” “It’s a big building with lots of books in it,” said Orlando. Eddie flipped him off. “I’m gonna read one of Thad’s books and find out what makes him tick.” “Just remember what I said,” said Eddie. “He writes about vampires, and I’ve heard rumors he is one. That could explain everything. See, he wants you to be his lover, but he’s afraid you’ll find out his secret and he’ll have to kill you. He’s really trying to protect you.” “Are you sure you don’t still smoke weed?” Orlando asked Eddie. “I’m reformed. Lucia made it quite clear that if I didn’t give up the pot I’d get no…um…attention,” said Eddie, glancing a bit uncomfortably at Orlando. I bet it was pretty hard to talk about sex with Orlando’s mom right in front of Orlando. Eddie pulled up in front of the library, putting an end to our discussion. I opened the door, but paused for a moment before I climbed out. “Guys, thanks.” “No problem, little dude.” “See you at school Monday,” said Orlando. I stepped out of the car and climbed the steps to the library.








I liked to read, but I had the attention span of a sparrow, so I preferred to do it outside where I could take frequent breaks and run or just lie back and stare up at the sky. On Sunday, I spent a good deal of the morning reading Thad’s first novel, Loneliness Walks Among Us, in the park. At lunchtime, I took a long break, walked to the A&W and bought myself a double-cheeseburger and fries. Instead of heading back to the town park after I’d devoured my lunch, I ran to

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the school grounds instead. I sat on the bleachers by the football field and read, taking a break now and then to race around the track at breakneck speed. The football field turned out to be a bad choice for reading. After I’d been there for perhaps an hour, I heard a voice that I wasn’t enthusiastic about hearing at all. “Who said you could foul the football field with your faggot smell?” I sat up quickly. Hmm, a jock was strutting toward me with murder in his eyes. Wasn’t this a rerun? Hadn’t I seen this only the day before? I hated reruns. Josh Lucas stalked right toward me, spiky blond hair and all. He had his shirt off and his muscles were bulging. He looked totally pissed off. I shot away from the bleachers like a cat, but he caught me by the front of the shirt and swung me around so that I was mere inches from his snarling face. “Did you think you were funny when you pretended you’d had sex with me?” “Yeah,” I said, giggling, although it would’ve been wiser to lie through my teeth. Josh jabbed me in the stomach, and I doubled over. Yeah, I hated reruns. My stomach ached. “I got razzed for days thanks to you, faggot!” “Then maybe you know what it’s like for me.” “You deserve what you get, cocksucker.” I tried to duck as Josh swung at me, but his fist connected with my jaw. I fell to the ground, and he kicked me in the stomach. It hurt tons worse than getting punched there. Josh reached down, grabbed two handfuls of my shirt and lifted me off the ground. My feet dangled in thin air as Josh glared directly into my eyes. “If you ever pull something like that with me again, I’ll fuck you up so bad you’ll wish you were dead.” He punched me in the gut again and let me fall to the ground. I watched as he strutted away, obviously proud of himself. My stomach ached like mad, but a small smile crept onto my lips. It was payback time. I’m sure you’re just dying to know what I did to Josh, so we’ll fast-forward to just after school on Monday… “I’m going to kill you, faggot!” roared Josh as he plowed toward Eddie and me where we were standing near the rear entrance to the school. He’d obviously just found out what I’d done to his car during lunch. “He’s pissed off this time, dude,” said Eddie. “What did you do to him?” “Moi?” I asked innocently.

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Josh was on top of us by then. “I know you did it! I know you did!” “Did what?” asked Eddie. “This little fucker painted my car pink!” I could tell Eddie was trying hard not to laugh. Some of those around us did. “You are so dead!” said Josh. “Hey, Lucas, nice car!” shouted Adam Henshaw, as he walked toward us from the parking lot. “Will you be driving it in a pride parade any time soon?” “Shut up!” yelled Josh. I thought his eyes might pop out of his head. He was trembling with anger. Chase Simmons arrived on the scene seconds later, suppressing a grin despite his intense dislike for me. I knew I was in trouble. Josh and Chase were in the same place. Things were not looking good for Cedi. “Don’t say a word!” Josh warned Chase. “You’re car is real pretty, Josh,” yelled some kid passing by. Josh growled, grabbed me by the throat, and cocked his fist back. “You ruined my car!” “It’s just tempera paint,” I managed to get out, even though he was cutting off my air. “It’ll wash right off.” “I hate you, you little fucker!” “You made that clear when you beat me up on the football field.” Eddie narrowed his eyes at Josh. He looked ready to attack him if he swung at me. “Dude, chill out,” said Chase, shocking me right down to my toes. “It was just a joke, and you’ve got to admit, it’s pretty damned funny.” Chase was taking up for me? He thought what I’d done to his buddy’s car was funny? Was I in the Twilight Zone? “It is not!” “Come on, man. That took balls,” said Chase, glancing at me meaningfully. I swallowed hard. “When I’m done with him, he’s not gonna have any balls.” “Josh, leave him alone.” The last voice was female. A girl named Sherry stepped into view. She was in a couple of my classes. I didn’t know it at the time, but she was Josh’s girlfriend. “He painted my car pink!” “And you beat him up didn’t you? How could you pick on this little kid?” “He’s a monster! You know what he did a few days ago!”

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“Oh, grow up, Josh. He pretended to be your boyfriend, big deal. You’re dating me, aren’t you? Surely, you aren’t that insecure about your masculinity.” Josh reddened. He released me and stepped back. “I’m sick of this little faggot!” “Leave him alone, Josh, and that’s an order,” said Sherry. Practically everyone in the small crowd that surrounded us said “Ohhhhhh” at once. Josh’s girl was pulling on his leash. “Yeah, listen to your woman, Lucas,” said Adam. “If you don’t listen, it’s going to be a long time before you get any,” said Sherry. I had no doubt what she meant by that. “And if I do listen?” asked Josh, his tone changing from angry to aroused. “I’ll make you a very happy boy.” Sherry beckoned to Josh with her finger, and he went to her like a welltrained dog. He completely forgot I even existed. The show was over, and the crowd quickly disappeared after that. “Dude, I gotta hand it to you,” said Chase. “What you did to Josh’s car was hilarious.” I looked at Chase confused. “Aren’t you going to pound me?” I asked. “Not today,” said Chase and walked away, laughing. I was bewildered. “You’re going to get yourself killed someday,” said Eddie when we were once again alone. “Hey, I had to strike back. It was my turn!” “Yeah, and Josh came way close to turning your pretty face into mush.” “You think I’m pretty, huh? I thought you had a woman.” “Shut up. Come on. I’ll drive you home just in case Josh gets off his leash.” “Are you kidding? That boy is whipped.” “Better safe than sorry, dude, and just a word of advice: I’d put away the pink paint for a while if I was you.”

Toby Orlando and I walked down the front steps of B.H.S. just after school let out on Monday afternoon. I felt as if everyone was looking at us, as if they knew what was soon to happen between us. Orlando had invited me over to his place after school, and the phrase my mom won’t be home until late still lingered in my mind. Neither of us had said it out loud, but I think we both knew what was going to happen. I, for one, felt like I might just burst into flames. I was so turned on I had to hold my backpack in front of me instead of carrying it on my shoulder. Not only that, my entire body felt…well, there’s no way to describe it. I kind of felt the way I did when I was nervous, but I didn’t feel quite like that. I was excited, almost giddy, happy, aroused, edgy, and…I felt wild, hungry, and almost crazed. All of that together doesn’t quite cover it, but that’s as close as I can get. The words to explain what I was feeling just don’t exist, or at least I don’t know them. Orlando smiled at me as we walked away from the school. When he looked at me like that, it just took my breath away. Was I doing the right thing? Was it okay to make love with Orlando? I was struggling hard to think with my mind and not my, uh…well, you know. Powerful instincts drove me, but was it right to let them take control? I wanted more than anything else to get naked with Orlando and explore his firm body, but sex was a huge step. Was I ready, or was I just telling myself I was ready because I wanted to do it so badly? It was hard to think clearly while my heart was racing and my entire body felt as if it might explode at any moment. I had waited sixteen years for what was soon to happen, nearly seventeen in fact, but I felt like I couldn’t wait a moment longer. Orlando and I had been friends since the beginning of the summer. We’d gotten to know each other. We’d sort of dated at the outset, then really dated recently. We’d kissed innocently, then not so innocently. We’d done all that without sex, and now it was time to take things to the next level. I wasn’t rush- 75 -

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ing into this. I had thought about it—a lot. I’d considered the consequences, and I hadn’t jumped on Orlando at the first opportunity. I’d waited, and at last the time was at hand. I turned to Orlando and grinned. Could life get any more exciting or wonderful than this? I’d heard that one’s first time was like none other, that it would never be the same again. I liked Orlando; I loved him even. I wasn’t head-over-heels-Iwanna-spend-my-whole-life-with-him in love, but I loved him. Maybe we would spend our lives together. Who knew? We were both young, and who could say what was to come? If we did stay together for years and years that would be great, but I wasn’t going to worry about the future. The present was what mattered, and the present was incredible! I worried that things would go wrong. I was a virgin. I knew Orlando had had sex at least a few times, with Krista and Kerry. Maybe there had been others, too. He hadn’t offered to tell me, and I hadn’t asked. It wasn’t my business. I did ask him if he’d always been safe. That was my business, and thankfully Orlando’s answer had been yes. Still, Orlando was experienced and I was a virgin. I wasn’t naïve. I knew a few things, and I knew we wouldn’t do everything, certainly not our first time. There were probably things two guys could do that I hadn’t even heard of, though, and I had no idea how good I’d be at even the simplest acts. “I’m kind of nervous,” I said when we were well away from the school. “Me, too.” “You know, I’ve never…I’m a virgin,” I admitted. “I figured as much. It’s okay, Toby, don’t worry.” “I’m just afraid that I won’t be any good.” “Don’t be. Listen, the whole point of making love is to make each other feel good. You don’t have to be afraid with me, Toby. I won’t hurt you and I won’t laugh at you. If you had any idea how much you turn me on, you wouldn’t be worried about your performance. You can’t mess things up, Toby. Whatever happens between us, it’s going to be good because it’s us, together.” I nodded. “I’m going to need you to guide me,” I said. “I know some stuff, but like I said, I’ve never done it.” “I’ll teach you everything you need to know.” Orlando smiled. “I wish I could hold you in my arms right now. I love holding you close.” “I love being held. It makes me feel safe.” Some minutes later, we crossed the lawn of Orlando’s home and entered. The carpet was old and the furniture worn, but everything was nicely kept.

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Orlando lived alone with his mom, and, like many people, they struggled to get by. I thought it was cool that Orlando worked to help his mom pay the bills. It made me respect him all the more. Orlando took me by the hand and led me to his room. He closed and locked the door, leaving nothing to chance. His mom didn’t know he was bi, and she probably wouldn’t have appreciated us having sex in any case. I don’t think any parent liked thinking of their kid having sex, but then again no kid really wanted to think about his or her parents having sex, either. Orlando and I stood and gazed into each other’s eyes. I was breathing hard, as if we’d run from school. “It’s okay, Toby, you don’t have to be afraid. Nothing will happen that you don’t want to happen. If I do something you don’t like, just tell me to stop.” “I’m not afraid. I’m nervous and excited, but not afraid.” Orlando wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close. We just stood there and hugged each other tight for several long, wonderful moments. I could feel his body pressed against mine. I nuzzled my face into his chest, drawing in the scent of him. It increased my arousal tenfold. Orlando pulled back a little and took my chin in his hand. He leaned down and kissed me, pulled back for just a moment, then kissed me again. Our lips parted, and I experienced the wonderful sensation of Orlando’s tongue sliding along my own. Making out was sexy beyond belief. It made me feel as if we were a part of each other. Our shirts came off first. Just watching Orlando pull his shirt over his head made me breathe even harder. If I kept it up, I was going to hyperventilate. I felt a bit self-conscious as he pulled my shirt off, but when Orlando ran his fingers over my chest it made me feel desirable and sexy. Orlando kissed me again, this time licking along my jaw line, and chewing on my earlobe. I cried out with the pleasure of it. Never had I considered that someone chewing on my earlobe could feel so incredible! It made me feel wild and aggressive. The next thing I knew I was kissing Orlando’s neck, all the way down to his chest. I began licking him and sought out his nipples. He must have liked it when I began to lick and suck them, for he moaned out loud. Soon, Orlando was doing the same to me, and I understood why he’d moaned so. Just as with having my earlobes chewed on, having my nipples licked, sucked, and gently bit felt better than anything I’d ever imagined. We fell upon Orlando’s bed and made out for the longest time, traveling up and down each other’s body, exploring. My heart raced as Orlando unbuckled my belt and unfastened my jeans. I held my hips off the bed so he could pull

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them off. He didn’t stop there, but pulled off my boxers as well. I’d been naked in front of other guys before, but not like this. My eyes were riveted to Orlando’s body as he stood by the side of the bed and stripped naked. He was bigger than I was down there and had more hair. He climbed on top of me and pressed himself against me as we made out some more. Orlando licked and kissed his way down my body. I sat up on my elbows and watched as he drew me into his mouth. I think my eyes might’ve actually rolled back in my head. It was the first time anyone had done that to me. It was the first time anyone, except myself, had touched me there. “I’m real close, Orlando,” I warned, far more quickly than I desired. Orlando pulled off just as I totally lost control. I moaned with the pleasure of exquisite release. When I’d finished, Orlando lay beside me and gazed into my eyes. I was still breathing hard and smiling. “So how was it?” he asked. “That was incredible, beyond incredible!” He grinned. I jumped on top of him and covered his face with kisses. I devoured his lips, then mimicked his journey down my torso. I loved the hardness and smoothness of his muscles. When I reached his—it seems so vulgar to say it—but when I reached his penis, I was apprehensive—not because I didn’t want to do for him what he’d done for me, but because I was afraid I’d do something wrong. I took the plunge and was rewarded by a moan from Orlando’s lips. Instinct seemed to take over. I was overwhelmed with the knowledge of how wonderful I could make Orlando feel. If there was anything in his reaction, I was making him feel very good indeed. Just as I’d done, Orlando moaned and writhed on the bed. “Watch your teeth,” he said once, instructing me. I was more careful after that and worked to make Orlando feel as good as humanly possible. If anything, it was better than when he did it for me. “I’m close,” he said. I pulled off and watched as Orlando wrapped his hand around himself. With a few swift strokes he reached orgasm. I was mesmerized by the sights and sounds of it. His entire body tensed and flexed as he moaned and climaxed. I’d never seen anyone, other than myself, have an orgasm before. I smiled knowing that I’d made it possible. I lay down beside Orlando. We were both breathing hard now. “Was I good?” I asked.

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“You were incredible,” he said. “Let’s do it again!” Orlando laughed, rolled over on top of me, and began kissing me once more.








When Orlando’s mom returned some hours later we were sitting in his room, innocently memorizing our lines for the play. Orlando was very nervous about performing in front of others, but he was an even better actor than I’d imagined. His sharp mind helped him to memorize his lines, and he was already getting into the character. “I find that it helps if I actually pretend to be the character,” I said. “It’s easiest when the whole cast is together. You’ll be amazed at how much it helps to have others to interact with. Even when I don’t think I know my lines, I can usually remember them when I react to the other characters.” “I’m so glad you’re helping me with this,” said Orlando. “I don’t know if I could do it without you. Then again, you are the one who got me involved with this mess.” “You’re lucky to have such a wonderful boyfriend,” I said just above a whisper. “And one who’s so good in bed.” I blushed and grinned. “Don’t start talking about that or I’ll want to do it again, and your mom is right downstairs.” “Don’t you like a little danger?” asked Orlando. He kissed me, and I nearly threw caution to the wind, but then a picture of his mom walking in on us entered my head. “Back to the play!” I said. We worked on the scene where Peter fights Hook just after he’s tricked Smee into releasing Tiger Lily. We didn’t know what choreography Mrs. Jelen would dream up, so we improvised our sword fight while practicing our lines. We jumped on chairs and the bed and were both quite breathless when there was a knock upon the door. Orlando opened it to discover Eddie standing there. He entered and closed the door behind him. Orlando and I stood, chests heaving, our breath coming hard and fast. We’d put a bit too much into our sword fight perhaps.

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“I’d say you’re either practicing for the play or have been having very rough sex,” said Eddie. Orlando and I glanced at each other a moment and grinned. “Or both,” amended Eddie. “It wasn’t rough,” said Orlando. “It was mind-blowing.” “Well, I’m sure the two of you were blowing something,” said Eddie and laughed. “Want me to take Lucia out so you can go at it again?” “I’m afraid we’re spent,” I said, marveling at my own boldness. “You can only do it so many times in one evening you know.” “Oh, I know,” said Eddie, wiggling his eyebrows. “Have you talked to your mom, Orlando?” “About what?” “Anything. I’m just wondering because one look at you two and she’s going to know you’ve been doing it.” Orlando’s mouth dropped open. “You can’t tell just by looking at us!” “Oh, please, you might as well still be lying in bed naked, having an aftersex cigarette.” “We did say hi to her when she got home.” “You may want to consider coming out to her sometime soon then,” said Eddie. “She’s not stupid, you know.” “Has she said something?” “Well, she has asked me if you have your eye on another girl. It’s been a while since Krista, after all.” Orlando looked troubled. “Dude, don’t worry about it. Maybe I shouldn’t have brought it up. You know me; I talk without thinking most of the time. You’ve got time, and there’s nothing to worry about anyway; Lucia is totally cool. She’s not going to care that you swing both ways.” “Thinking about this is uncomfortable.” “So don’t!” Eddie paused, looking extremely thoughtful as if about to say something profound. “You know, I just thought of something, Orlando,” said Eddie. “You haven’t dated much, and you’ve got laid even less. Since you’re bi, that makes you even more pathetic than I thought. I mean, most of us just have one sex to reject us. You’ve got both!” “He’s trying to be funny again,” Orlando said to me in a stage whisper.

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“I am funny!” “Uh-huh.” “Screw you guys! You just don’t appreciate good comedy when you see it. Must be a gay thing.” I could see why Orlando and Eddie were such good friends. The more time I spent with Eddie, the more I liked him. “Oh, your mom says supper is ready. You’re invited to stay, of course,” Eddie said to me. “Lucia wouldn’t want to leave out her future son-in-law.” “Get lost,” said Orlando. “We’ll be right down.” Orlando kissed me, and we followed Eddie down the stairs. We walked into a kitchen filled with the scents of burritos, Spanish rice, and refried beans. I’m not talking about the pathetic Americanized Taco Bell versions either, but the real thing. There’s a world of difference. My mouth was watering as we sat down, and I nearly moaned with pleasure at my first taste. “This is incredible, Mrs. Gamboa,” I said. “Thank you, Toby, and you can call me Lucia.” My burrito was awesome, and the sour cream, chopped chives, and melted cheese on the top made it downright heavenly. Only the fact that it was steaming hot kept me from devouring it quickly. I smiled at Orlando as we sat across from each other, remembering our naked activities upstairs. I was a virgin no longer, by my definition anyway, and I couldn’t wait until Orlando and I made love again. I had a lot of fun with Orlando in non-sexual ways, but the sex added a whole new dimension to our relationship. Eddie looked at me and wiggled his eyebrows again. I grinned, but looked away, because I feared he’d make me laugh. I observed Eddie and Lucia as we ate. Perhaps it was because I knew they were a couple, but their lingering glances, their smiles, and the way they looked at each other spoke volumes. If I didn’t know about them I might not have noticed anything out of the ordinary, but I could tell they were really into each other. I wondered how Orlando dealt with the whole situation. I mean, if my mom was single, and my best friend started dating her…Well, I just didn’t know if I could handle that. Orlando seemed pretty at ease with it; then again, he’d been dealing with it a while already. It was probably a lot more difficult for him in the beginning. Orlando had told me his mom had been very lonely and that the men she had dated hadn’t exactly been winners. Eddie made her happy, and, more than anything else, Orlando wanted his mom to be happy. I guess putting her hap-

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piness first made it easier on him. It said something about Orlando, too. He wasn’t perfect, but he had a good heart. I was fairly well stuffed by the end of supper, but when Lucia revealed a Mexican chocolate cake, I just had to have a piece. It was kind of like my mom’s chocolate cake, all moist with lots of creamy chocolate icing, but it had a slightly spicy taste, and the icing was sprinkled with a light dusting of cinnamon. “Wow, this is better than sex,” I said. When I realized what I’d said, I jerked my head up, my eyes widened, and my mouth dropped open. Eddie burst out laughing, which made me turn completely red. Orlando and even his mom grinned, but they both tried to pretend I hadn’t said anything out of the ordinary. “I mean, um, this cake is fantastic.” “Thank you, Toby.” I tried to avoid eye contact with everyone while we ate our dessert. I was so embarrassed my face felt hot. The others talked, but I didn’t say much. I was relieved when it was time to leave the table. Orlando and I offered to help clear the dishes, but Eddie said he’d help Lucia. Orlando and I walked out onto the front porch and sat in an old swing. “My mom’s cake is better than sex, huh? Maybe I’m not as good in bed as I thought.” “No! You’re incredible! I just meant her cake was awesome! I didn’t even realize I’d said that out loud!” “I’m just teasing you, Toby.” “You don’t think your mom knows we had sex, do you? I can’t believe I said that!” “Relax, Toby. I’m sure she doesn’t even suspect.” “I wonder what she would do if she did?” “I don’t know. I’m going to have to tell her someday—about me, that is. There’s no question about it, I’m bisexual.” “Well, she’ll probably deal with that easier than she would if you were gay.” “Yeah, I guess. I kind of think she would be okay with me being gay. Still, I’m not looking forward to telling her I like guys as well as girls.” “I don’t know how my parents will take the news that I’m gay. Mackenzie was kind of nasty about it in the beginning, but he’s cool with it now.” “That’s good—not him being nasty in the beginning, but that he’s cool with it now.”

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“Yeah, he’s turned out to be a decent little brother. He’s still a pain in the butt a lot of the time, but I don’t wish I was an only child nearly as often now.” Orlando and I grew quiet. “I wish I could kiss you again,” I said. “Maybe I can get Eddie to take Mom somewhere later.” “Then we can go back to your bedroom.” “You’re getting me excited, Toby.” “Good.”

Cedi I yawned. I looked at the alarm clock on my dresser. How did it get to be 11:30 p.m.? I knew how: I’d gotten lost in Thad’s novel again. I’d found Loneliness Walks Among Us, his very first novel, in the library and had been reading it for days. There was one thing I could say about Thad with certainty. He was a talented writer. Thad wrote about vampires. The main character, Zachariah, led such a sad, lonely life. I’d never considered before that living an eternal life might have a downside. I guess I hadn’t thought about it; then again, I’d never thought about growing older. I felt like I’d been eighteen forever and would always be the same age. I guess it wouldn’t be so cool if I was forever eighteen, because all my friends, my aunt, and Thad would all die, and I’d live on. I wondered if Thad wasn’t writing about himself when he wrote about Zachariah. I don’t mean the vampire stuff, but the sadness and loneliness. Thad seemed like someone who kept himself apart. He sure wouldn’t let me get close for more than two minutes at a time. Thad was on the edge of hostile, abrupt, and sometimes rude. Was all that just an act to keep other people away so he wouldn’t get hurt? It probably wasn’t wise to analyze him. I wasn’t good at that kind of thing anyway. I was more into taking action rather than thinking. When I wanted to do something I just did it and dealt with the consequences later. Who wanted to go through life just thinking about things? I’d been doing more than the usual amount of thinking lately, but that’s because Thad was driving me crazy! He ran hot and cold, and I never knew which would be coming my way when. He frightened and fascinated me. I couldn’t get him out of my head. Of course, reading his book probably wasn’t the best way to do it, but I was struggling to understand him.

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I was very close to finishing the book, but I was so sleepy. When I wasn’t in school, I’d been doing little more than reading Thad’s novel. I hadn’t even been working on my lyrics. I was having trouble sleeping most nights. Sometimes I woke up at two or three a.m. and read some more of Thad’s book. When I did sleep, I dreamed about him. Some of the dreams were sexy. In one, we kissed like we had the last time I’d seen him, but we didn’t stop. We just kept on going until we were both naked and going at it like wild animals. I was so disappointed when I woke up from that dream and found it wasn’t real. I was desperately aroused, too, and had to take care of business before I could even think about getting back to sleep. In other dreams, Thad was a jerk. I dreamed often of him telling me I had no talent. One of my dreams was recurring. In it, Thad met me at his front door. He kissed me, then slammed the door in my face. That dream was one reason I hadn’t gone back to Thad’s again. I was afraid the dream would come true. I could hardly keep my eyes open, but I couldn’t resist reading just a bit more. I’d read only a few paragraphs, however, when I drifted off to sleep. I began to dream, and the novel and my dream intertwined. Zachariah became Thad. Thad and I were making out, really getting into it, but then he sank his teeth into my neck and I felt my life ebbing away. My eyes popped open and I jerked upright in my bed. My room was filled with light. I looked at the clock. It was nearly time to get up for school. I could have sworn I’d been dreaming for only a few moments, but hours had passed. I hadn’t undressed the night before. I usually slept in boxers and an old comfy tank top. I looked in the mirror, my shirt and jeans were wrinkled. I slipped out of them and headed for the shower. A half hour later I was out the door and heading for school. I was running early, so I walked by Thad’s house. I wondered if he was awake and working or if he preferred to work during the night. I guessed he could write whenever he wanted. I had his book in my backpack. I was going to finish it after school. I stared at Thad’s door. The urge to knock on it just so I could see him again was strong, but I fought it off and continued on my way. September had come, and a hint of fall was in the air. It still felt mostly like summer, though, and that was fine by me. One thing I truly appreciated about Blackford was the weather. Back home, even July and August could be a bit cool. It wasn’t at all unusual to wear a sweatshirt on summer nights (and sometimes even during the day). Here, I could run around practically naked and still be comfortable.

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I was beginning to feel at home in Blackford. It wasn’t a bad little town. It had a certain charm to it, anyway. Toby said a lot of people came to visit because of all the old homes. Blackford was filled with houses from the Victorian age and before. I didn’t tell him that even the oldest homes in Blackford wouldn’t be considered old where I came from. In Britain, if a structure was built after the seventeenth century it was considered practically new. Some of the schools I’d attended, and my own home, were centuries old. I thought it funny that Americans called things old that hadn’t even been properly broken in yet. I walked up the worn stone steps of B.H.S. and entered the now familiar school. Toby thought the school was old, too, but it was built barely a hundred years before, if that. Compared to my old schools, it was brand new. “Hey, Homo,” shouted Chase as he approached me in the hallway. My brow furrowed in thought. Chase had called me a lot of names, but his tone of voice was totally different this time, and it threw me off. There was no menace in his voice, no hatred. There was even the slightest trace of a grin on his face. What was up with him? “What’s up, Steroid Freak?” I called back. Chase didn’t scowl. He didn’t try to hit me. He actually smiled. Some of the kids nearby stared at us in disbelief, not so much at Chase calling me a homo, but at my comeback and the fact that Chase didn’t slug me in the face. The whole exchange lasted maybe five seconds, but the significance of it was not lost on me. Chase had been on my butt since Day One, but his attitude had changed. Maybe I should’ve kicked him in the balls a long time ago. I tried to liven up some of my classes but there’s only so much one can do without getting detention. U.S. History was soooo boring I couldn’t stand it. I actually liked history, but Mr. Nix had a way of sucking the life out of it. He could take the most interesting topic and turn into something dull. I probably shouldn’t have stood up and yelled, “Traitors!” when Mr. Nix was talking about the colonies breaking away from Great Britain, but it was either that or die of boredom. It was a life-or-death situation. Mr. Nix was steamed, but I saved my butt by adding an explanation that that’s how the British must have thought of the colonies at the time. I was British, so that added weight to my argument. Mr. Nix actually seemed kind of impressed. The highlight of my day was lunch with the guys. Eddie, Orlando, and Toby were all kind of calm, but most people were laid back compared to me. I didn’t understand it. Didn’t everyone have the urge to jump up on a table and dance now and then? I did so for a few moments during lunch, just to burn up a little

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energy. Sitting on my bum in class all morning was just about more than I could withstand. “We’ve got to order those tranquilizer guns,” said Orlando. “Ohhh! Donuts!” I yelled as I spotted a kid passing by with some on his tray. I jumped up, ran to the a la carte line, bought two, and ran back to the table. “Great, just what he needs,” said Toby. “Sugar.” “I love you, Toby!” I announced loudly and hugged him, just as Josh Lucas walked by. “Faggot!” he said, smacking me hard in the back of the head. I jumped up and gave Josh a big bear hug, locking my hands together behind his back. Despite his superior strength, he couldn’t break away. “Ohh, I love it when you call me those names, baby! Do it some more! You know how it turns me on!” I hopped up and kissed him right on the lips before he knew what hit him. “Get off me, faggot!” yelled Josh. He shoved me away, and I had to take two steps back to keep from falling on my bum. Josh wiped his mouth. We had quite an audience by then. “That’s it! I’m gonna kill you!” he snarled. Josh stepped toward me as I backed away. It looked as if I was going to have to run for it, but just at the last second Chase and Adam Henshaw appeared out of nowhere. Each of them grabbed one of Josh’s arms and held him. “Let it go, man,” said Chase. “This faggot kissed me on the lips!” “And you loved it!” I said. “I think I felt a bit of tongue. You tried to French me, didn’t you?” Josh screamed and struggled to break free, but Chase and Adam held him back. “Dude, chill out,” said Chase. “You can’t win with this kid. He’s half your size, so if you beat him up you’re going to look like a jerk, and you know he’s gonna come right back at you with somethin’.” Josh was still pissed off, but he ceased struggling against his buddies. “You’re fucking crazy!” he yelled at me. “You stay the fuck away from me, faggot!” Chase and Adam led Josh away. They released him halfway across the cafeteria, and he didn’t try to come back. I couldn’t keep from laughing. “Tranquilizers, definitely,” said Orlando, as I returned to my seat. “For me?” I asked as if shocked by the notion. “What did I do?”

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Orlando groaned and rolled his eyes. “Yes, for you, Hyper Boy!” “This calls for a dance!” Toby grabbed my shoulder and jerked me back down on the bench before I could jump up on the table again. I bit into one of my donuts and chewed thoughtfully. “I guess I shouldn’t have placed that personals ad for Josh in that gay magazine,” I said. Eddie shook his head and covered his face with his hands. “What?” I asked. “Dude, you are insane,” said Eddie. “How you manage not to get your butt kicked on a daily basis I’ll never know.” “Well, Josh did kick my butt the other day.” “Yeah, but it didn’t stop you, did it? Did you really put a personals ad for Josh in a gay magazine?” “Yep, I wrote that he was looking for a daddy, sixty or over.” “Oh, my God,” said Toby. “I kinda feel bad,” I said. “Not for Josh, but for whatever guys think he’s really looking for a daddy. I’m sure they would understand, though.” “You’re evil,” said Orlando. “You know that, don’t you?” “I’m not evil, just wicked, and if someone like Josh wants to abuse me, he’s gonna pay.” I laughed. “I’m glad I’m not your enemy,” said Toby.








Instead of going home after school, I walked out to the football field where the jocks were practicing. I know that might sound like suicide, but I intended to show Josh I wasn’t afraid of him. I knew he could hurt me—he’d pounded me once, after all—but I wasn’t taking any crap from him. Anyone who harassed me was gonna get Cedi’d. The pitch, I mean field, was empty when I arrived, so I started right in on my book. I was so engrossed in it that I didn’t even notice when the team arrived. Some minutes later I looked up and there they were. Chase looked a bit shocked to see me sitting in the stands. I watched the jocks run into some kind of dummies for a while. They just plowed right into them, making me wonder if they weren’t dumber than the dummies. They did some passing after that, and it was as boring as I anticipated. What was the big deal about football anyway? I’d never understood

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organized sports. It all seemed rather pointless to me. Some of the players did look pretty hot, so maybe they played so they could look that way. I’d never been much into the jock-type, but some of them did have nice bodies. I lost interest in practice quickly and went back to reading. Thad’s world of vampires was way more interesting than anything going on down on the field. As I drew nearer and nearer to the end of the novel I became worried. Zachariah’s sadness deepened to epic proportions. He was in love with this girl, Lizzie, but turned away from her because he wanted to remember her as young and beautiful. He knew that if he stayed with her, he’d have to watch her grow old and die. He couldn’t bear the thought, so he left, breaking her heart and his. She never knew he was a vampire or why he’d forsaken her. It was just too sad. I felt stupid sitting there with tears streaming down my face. I wasn’t embarrassed to cry. I didn’t have some kind of macho thing against it like the pumped up jocks down on the field. It did seem kind of dumb to get all upset over something that wasn’t even real, though. Maybe the story struck a little too close to home. Okay, Zachariah and I were worlds apart, but I was lonely. The whole story reminded me of Thad, too. He walked in a world of loneliness, but he wouldn’t let me in. Just like Zachariah, he turned away from me. What did he fear so very much? I finished the novel and sat there pondering it as I watched the players on the field without seeing them. Thad’s own life must’ve been filled with sadness for him to have written something so very poignant. I felt as if I’d peered into his soul. Of course, he’d written the novel a few years back, so maybe he didn’t feel the same now as he did then. I hoped not; that would be just too pitiful. All evidence of my tears were gone by the end of practice. I’d been so lost in thought I hadn’t even realized I’d been sitting there for so very long. “Yo, Cedi, what’s up?” I looked up. It was Chase. “Oh, I was just…thinking.” “Dude, you have balls. If I was in your shoes, I don’t think I’d be brave enough to come and sit here with Josh on the rampage.” “If he’s going to hurt me, I can’t stop him. He might as well do it here as somewhere else.” “I cannot figure you out, kid. You shocked me that first day of school when I was on your ass. Anybody else would’ve just cowered, licked my shoes, and begged for his life, but not you.” “I may be a poof, but I’m not a pansy.”

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“I’ve come to understand that. I never thought I’d say this to a queer, but I respect you, man.” “Thanks,” I said. “You aren’t so bad…for a jock.” Chase laughed. “I think I’d rather have you as a friend than an enemy,” said Chase. “To be honest, I’d be kind of scared of what you might do if I tried to push you around.” “Be afraid, be very afraid.” “Painting Josh’s car pink, that was fucking hilarious.” “I thought you kind of liked that.” “I could not believe you had the balls to do that. No offense, but you aren’t exactly a tough guy.” “No, I’m not tough, just determined not to put up with any crap.” “Josh is plenty pissed off, but I think you scared him in the cafeteria.” “You mean he didn’t like me kissing him on the lips?” “You came close to getting your ass kicked right then and there, but I think what he fears now is that you’ll do it again.” “If he messes with me, I definitely will.” “I think he’ll leave you alone now. The price for messing with you is just too high.” “That’s the whole idea, Chase.” “Yeah, I’ve caught onto that myself. Just don’t ever kick me in the nads again. I have plans for those.” “Okay, the family jewels are off limits, as long as you don’t try to beat me senseless.” “You are alright, little dude.” “Thanks.” “You wanna talk?” “Uh, I guess. I suppose even a jock must have something interesting to say now and then.” “I gotta hit the showers, then we can take off.” “Take off?” “Yeah.” “Well, uh, okay.” “Come on.” “Where?” “The locker room.” “Um…I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”

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“Don’t you trust me?” “Not entirely.” “Smart boy. You suspect I’m going to lead you into an ambush?” “It’s possible.” “The question is, are you brave enough to risk it?” “Maybe, but I don’t think I’ll be wanted in there in any case.” “The Cedi I’ve come to know and respect wouldn’t let that stop him.” I grinned and followed him. Perhaps it wasn’t the smartest thing I’d ever done, but I had a feeling I could trust Chase. I sure hoped so. I was gambling a lot on a gut feeling. I was walking into the lion’s den. I hadn’t been in the boys’ locker room since the day I’d dyed their jockstraps pink. Boys were stripping naked all over the place. I have to admit the sight was arousing. I took a seat on a bench near Chase and tried not to let my eyes wander too much. “What’s he doing in here?” asked one of the players. “He’s with me,” said Chase, “so hands off. No one fucks with the boy with purple hair. We’re friends.” I sure never thought I’d hear those words back when Chase was giving me hell at the beginning of school. I never thought I’d be sitting in a locker room with naked jocks all around me, either. Like I said, jocks aren’t really my type, but I was into the whole naked-guy thing. I got an eyeful without even trying. “I’ll be back in a few,” said Chase. “If anyone messes with you, let me know when I get back.” His words seemed more for his football buddies than for me. Despite Chase’s attempt to protect me, I was still plenty nervous sitting there among all those jocks. I tried not to let it show. Most of those guys looked damned good naked. Adam Henshaw, one of Chase’s friends, caught me staring at his crotch. “What are you looking at?” he said in a tone more amused than belligerent. “Nine,” I said. “What?” “That’s your score, nine out of ten. You should be proud.” Alex laughed. “Eight point five,” I said as Mike Bradley walked by. “What? Henshaw gets a nine, and I only get an eight point five? What’s up with that?” He was serious. I nearly laughed out loud.

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“Sorry, I call ’em as I see ’em. Seven,” I said, as yet another player walked up, completely naked. He just looked at me, confused. He had no clue as to what was going on. “So what’s up with you and Chase?” asked one of the guys, temporarily interrupting my scoring. “I’m his bitch. I take it up the butt from him every night.” The kid, who was drying off after his shower, got so flustered he dropped his towel. He stood there and stared at me. “I’m kidding.” Chase was back pretty soon and could tell something had gone down in his absence. “What?” he asked. “Your friend here asked what was up with you and me, so I told him I was your bitch.” Chase shook his head. “You are just too much.” “Don’t worry, I told him I was just kidding.” “What do you mean, Cedi? I thought you were my bitch?” “No way, jockstrap boy, you’re my bitch and don’t you forget it.” “You guys are messed up,” said the kid. “Oh, lighten up, Trevor,” said Chase. “Does he really have to be in here?” he asked. “I’m just waiting for Chase,” I said. “And, giving out scores.” “Scores?” asked Chase. “Yeah.” I looked him up and down. “Nine point five.” “Hey, I only got a nine!” said Alex. “That sounds overly generous to me,” said Chase, giving Alex the once over. “I wouldn’t give you over a six.” They both looked at Trevor. “Five point five,” said Chase. “Three,” said Alex. “Shut up!” yelled Trevor. “You shut up, pencil dick,” said Chase. “Blow me, Chase!” “You wish! Go blow yourself.” So this is what goes on in here, I thought to myself. Josh Lucas appeared around the corner just then, wearing nothing but a towel. “What the fuck is he doing in here?” he practically yelled.

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“He’s with me,” said Chase. “What? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! You’re hanging out with a fag?” “No, I’m hanging out with the most dangerous guy in school. If you’re smart, you’ll quit harassing him before he makes you look like a complete idiot.” Chase, Adam, and I all looked at each other and grinned, looked at Josh, and then back at each other. “Seven,” we all announced at once and began to laugh. Josh shot us a confused and disgusted look. He flipped us off, but said no more. “Come on, let’s get out of here,” said Chase. I followed him from the locker room and out to his truck, a little teal Chevy S-10. “Somehow I knew you’d have a gun rack,” I said. “Let me guess. You listen to country music?” “Only if being held at gunpoint.” “Well, at least there’s one good thing about you.” “Just one?” “Well, you are a jock, so that’s a strike against you. Your hair is its natural color, so that’s two. Shall I go on?” “No, I’m afraid what you’ll say next.” “So where are we going?” “How about the drive-in? We can talk in the truck.” “Works for me.” When we got there, Chase ordered a triple-cheeseburger, a hot dog, two orders of fries, onion rings, a large coke, and a chocolate milkshake. I ordered a caramel sundae. “Man, how do you eat all that?” I asked when our waitress had walked away. “This is nothing. If Mike was here, he’d order all this and probably a couple of barbeques, and two or three fish sandwiches as well. You would be amazed at how many calories you burn up on the field.” “If I ate like that I’d be wider than I am tall. Well, maybe not; I’d be sick way before I could finish off that much food. But anyway, I’ve been kind of wondering, why have you asked me here? I’m guessing it’s not to beat me up, since you can do that anywhere.”

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“I wanted to get to know you better. You seem kind of cool. When I was giving you a hard time you didn’t just take it, you stood up for yourself, and man did you blow Josh away. Most guys would’ve been quaking in their shoes.” “I’m not easily frightened, and I don’t like to play by the rules.” “I guess your hair should have tipped me off to that.” “Besides, it was a lot more fun messing with you than it would’ve been to just take it. Sometimes I like to say or do something just to see how people react.” “You’re crazy,” said Chase. “That, too. I don’t think I made that big of an impression on Josh, though.” “You did, he’s just playing tough for the sake of the guys. You’ve got him scared. I’m willing to bet on it.” “Maybe he won’t punch me in the face again, then.” “Do you mind if I ask you something personal?” asked Chase. “Go ahead, although I’m not promising to answer.” “Are you gay?” “I thought you and your buddies already decided I was.” “Well pretty much, but, are you?” “I don’t like labels, but if I had to pick one, bisexual would fit me better than gay. I am attracted to guys, but I’m attracted to girls, too. I’d say I’m more into guys, like maybe 70/30, 60/40, or something like that, but I like both. I don’t like to tie myself down by thinking of myself as gay, bi, or straight. I just want to go with who I feel like going with. If it’s a guy, cool; if it’s a girl, that’s cool, too.” “Have you had sex?” asked Chase. “Yep, with two guys and one girl—not all at the same time mind you. I only went all the way with the girl and one of the guys, though.” “All the way with a guy—you mean more than a blow job, right?” “Yeah, it means pretty much the same with a guy as with a girl, except that with a guy it can be giving or receiving. I’ve done both.” “Wow, you’re really bold talking about this.” “You asked, I’m telling you.” “You’re braver than I am.” “In what way?” “Well, if I was queer, or even bi, I don’t think I’d tell anyone. If they asked I’d just lie.” “I don’t like living a lie. I want to be me.”

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“See, that’s what I mean. You don’t hide things like practically everyone else. That’s what I like about you. When I was giving you a hard time you didn’t deny what you were, you just turned it back on me and tried to shock me with it. That’s honest. It takes balls.” “Well, I like balls,” I said. Chase laughed. “See, I could never say shit like that.” “That’s because you don’t like them, or do you?” “Truthfully?” “Yeah.” “No, I don’t.” “Aww, I thought this was going to be one of those ‘I have a friend who’s gay’ talks where you end up being the friend.” “Sorry to disappoint you.” “I’m not disappointed. I’m kind of glad you’re not into guys. You are turning out to be way cooler than I thought possible, and I think we can be friends. If you were gay, it would get all weird.” “How?” “Well, you’re a jock, a football player. I know some of you guys have to be gay, but you’d die before admitting it. If you were gay and we fooled around, we’d have to hide it. You might even treat me like shit in front of your friends just so they wouldn’t suspect you. Sex changes things. It can end a friendship pretty fast.” “Yeah, I see what you mean. I’m really not gay, though. If I was, I think you’re the one person I might have the balls to tell. I have the feeling you wouldn’t rat me out.” “You’re right about that.” “I will tell you something I wouldn’t tell anyone else—I messed around with other boys when I was younger, like when I was twelve or thirteen. I jerked a couple of boys off and even blew one. I got jerked and blown, too. It felt good and it was forbidden, so it was fun. I grew out of it, though. I wouldn’t want to do it now.” “Because you’re afraid it would make you gay or because you’re just not interested?” “Maybe a little of both, but mostly because I’m not interested. I know a blow job from a guy might feel as good as one from a girl, but I want a girl to do it, you know? I wouldn’t completely freak out over a guy blowing me, but it’s just not what I want. There’s no way I would do some of the stuff gay guys do.”

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“Okay, fair enough. They say almost no one is completely straight or gay. Like I said I’m about 70/30 or 60/40 when it comes to guys versus girls.” “I think I’d be about 5/95 or maybe 1/99.” “If you were more like me you’d get more action,” I said. “You haven’t had that much sex I bet.” “Nah, I haven’t, but the possibility is there.” “Are you seeing anyone?” asked Chase. Our food arrived just then, so we paused our conversation until we got ourselves all arranged. Once Chase had swallowed a bite of burger and took a drink of his Coke he repeated his question. “Can you keep a secret?” I asked. “Sure.” “Okay, well you’ve got to because this is a big one. I am seeing someone and you know him.” “Yeah?” I waited until Chase was taking another drink. I had to time things perfectly to get the result I wanted. “Yeah, he’s on your team. I’ve been doing it with Josh Lucas.” Chase sprayed Coke all over his windshield, and I burst out laughing. “Are you serious?” he asked. “No!” I laughed at him some more. “Man, that was cruel.” “I’ll give you a blow to make it up to you.” “No, thanks.” “I was counting on you to say that.” “What if I’d accepted?” “I would’ve offered to buy you another Coke instead.” “Okay, so you still haven’t answered my question. Are you seeing someone?” “No, but there’s a guy I’m interested in.” “Does he go to our school?” “No. He’s older.” “Oh, an older man. I’ve given a lot of thought to an older woman. I hear they’re really hot in bed.” I wondered what Chase would think if he knew Eddie was dating Orlando’s mom. I kept secrets, however, so I wasn’t going to find out. “Well, there’s this older guy who I really like. He drives me crazy. Remember that guy in the park, the night you and Adam were giving me a hard time over my lyrics?”

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“Yeah?” “He’s the guy I like.” “Really? That dude was scary. I thought he was going to knife us or something.” “No, he’s cool, but he’s confusing as hell.” I told Chase about pretty much everything that had happened with Thad up to that point. By the time I’d finished, my sundae was long gone and even Chase had worked most of the way through his massive supper. “I’m not even sure he’s into guys. He’s kissed me twice now, but it’s like he’s just doing it so I’ll go away.” “Maybe he’s in denial. You know, he’s queer but can’t handle the truth?” “Nah, I don’t think so. He doesn’t strike me as the type. He doesn’t seem to care what anyone thinks.” “You guys sound like a perfect match.” It’s a good thing our conversation was coming to an end because some girl came up to the truck and started talking to Chase. I thought he was going to drool on her. He offered her a ride home and she accepted. “You don’t mind do you?” he asked as she was coming around to my side of the truck. “No. You poor desperate straight boys need all the help you can get.” I hopped out so the girl could sit next to Chase. “Hiiii!” I said. “I’m Cedi, Chase’s boyfriend!” “Just ignore, Cedi,” said Chase. “There are only nine donuts in his dozen.” “Oh! Donuts!” I said. The girl found us funny, and I think I might just have helped Chase score a few points. He gave me a thumbs up when he dropped me off at my house a few minutes later.

Toby I sat in the front row of the auditorium and watched Orlando. He was quite a good actor, definitely better than I was my first time upon the stage. Of course, that was in grade school. Orlando and I had been working on our lines a lot. His confidence grew along with his familiarity with the part. He needed confidence. We’d had some long talks about his stage fright. There was a time in the very beginning when I feared he’d pull out of the play. That would have been a shame because I knew he could be a great Captain Hook. I’d been teaching him all my tricks, not only for memorizing dialogue and getting a character down, but for dealing with uncertainty, nervousness, and fear upon the stage. I loved to perform, but butterflies still took flight in my stomach before a performance. They disappeared as soon as I stepped out upon the stage, but I still had to fight my way through the nervousness. Orlando seemed quite at ease as he commanded his ship of pirates. He was experiencing the fun of play practice, too. It was work to be sure, but it was also play. Where else could a group of high-school kids play at being pirates without others thinking them childish? “Okay,” said Mrs. Jelen, as the scene finished. “Let’s move on to the final fight scene between Peter and Hook.” I hopped up onto the stage and stood to the side waiting for my entrance, which was not long in coming. In this scene, I slipped into Hook’s cabin, found the key that fit the manacles and rescued the lost boys, who quickly armed themselves. I slipped out, cut Wendy loose from the mast, donned her cloak, and told her to hide with the others. Then, the scene continued. Pirate 1: Lads, I’ve thought it out. There’s a jinx aboard. It’s the girl. Never was luck on a pirate ship with a woman on board. Off with her I say!” Hook: Fling the girl overboard. - 98 -

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(The pirates approach Peter disguised as Wendy.) Pirate 2: There’s none can save you now, missy. Peter: There’s one. Pirate 3: Who’s that? Peter: I, Peter Pan! (Peter flings off his cloak.) Hook: Cut him to pieces, boys! Peter: Down, boys, and at them! (The lost boys and Wendy spring from their hiding places, and the fight begins. One by one the pirates go down and Hook is surrounded by the lost boys, but keeps them at bay.) Peter: Back off, boys. He’s mine! (Peter and Hook face off.) Hook: So, Pan, this is all your doing. Peter: Ay, James Hook, it is all my doing. Hook: Proud and insolent youth, prepare to meet thy doom. “Do you know what, Hook?” I asked. “What?” asked Orlando, a bit confused. “I’ve completely forgotten my next line,” I said, still standing there as grim faced as ever until I began to grin. “Then, then you must die, Peter!” said Orlando, trying to ad lib. “Forgetting lines is not permitted on my ship!” That’s as far as he got, though, because someone giggled. Both Orlando and I were beginning to grin and at the sound of the giggle, we both lost it and broke up laughing. “See, I told you play practice was fun,” I said. I turned to Mrs. Jelen. “What’s my line?” “Dark and sinister, man, have at thee,” said Mrs. Jelen. “Oh, yeah!” “Okay, let’s take it from the top of the scene,” said Mrs. Jelen.

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The next time through I didn’t forget any lines. I had to fight back a grin as we reached the point where I’d messed up before, but I narrowed my eyes and became Peter Pan. We went on without incident. I was tired and sweaty by the time practice ended. While on stage I often feel a bit like a burger under a heat lamp. Peter is very physical in many of his scenes, running, jumping, and fighting, so it’s not difficult to work up a sweat. It felt good to sit upon the edge of the stage and catch my breath. All things considered, it had been a rather good practice. Krista hopped up and sat next to me as the cast was departing. “Hey, did you hear the old theatre downtown is going to be restored?” she asked. “No.” The Delphi Theatre was an old movie palace that had shut down sometime in the 1970s. It’d been built in the ’20s, and according to my grandmother was quite a grand structure in its day. It’d grown worn and frayed over the years and had finally closed due to outdated equipment and lack of business. I’d never been inside, but had walked under the old marquee quite often and peeked in the dusty windows. It was too dark to see much inside, but I’d always been intrigued by the old theatre. It had been up for sale for years, but no one seemed interested in buying it. There was a depressing rumor going around that it was set to be demolished. “Yeah, Mom was talking to Mrs. Wheeler, the real-estate agent. The new owner plans to restore the whole place, put in new equipment, and open it back up. Work is supposed to start immediately.” “That’s so awesome! Who bought it?” “The James-Eglers. You know, the old guys with that big farm south of town?” “Oh, yeah! We go out there and buy pumpkins and stuff every year for Halloween, and that’s where we get our tree at Christmas. They bought the theatre?” “Yes, there are already guys in there cleaning it out.” “I can’t wait until it’s done. I’ve heard it used to be beautiful. It would be nice not to have to drive to Princeton, Jasper, or Evansville to see a movie.” “Yeah, that would be cool.” “What would be cool?” asked Orlando as he walked up. “The Delphi Theatre just sold, and it’s going to be restored.” “I thought it was destined to become a parking lot.”

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“Not anymore. Hey, I just thought! Grandma said they used to do vaudeville shows there way, way back. You think they might do plays as well as movies there?” “There’s one way to find out,” said Orlando. “Ask.” “I’m going to, the first chance I get. That would be so cool! Maybe we can get a local theatre group going.” “Spoken like a true actor,” said Krista. I grinned. Krista went on her way, and Orlando walked me home. I wished that we could go to his house and make love again, but his mom was there. We could have risked it, but neither of us wanted to get caught having sex. My mom was undoubtedly home, and there was a good chance Mackenzie was as well, so doing it there was out. There was a lot more to our relationship than sex, however. I was eager to do it again, but waiting wouldn’t kill me—probably. It was early September but it still felt like mid-summer. The sun was shining bright and hot. Orlando walked beside me, handsome and tan. I wished that we could walk hand in hand, but it was enough to walk beside him. He was my boyfriend, and I knew he cared about me. Sometimes that knowledge made me feel like my heart could float right up out of my chest. “There’s something that I should probably talk to you about,” I said as we walked along. “Yeah?” “Well, it’s not a big deal and maybe it doesn’t even matter, but Kerry was at Phantom World last Saturday. He kinda came onto me.” “He what?” “Well, he offered me a ride home. He said something like, I know you want it. He kind of tricked me into telling him about us, too.” Orlando’s face darkened. I wished I hadn’t said anything. I’d made him angry for sure. “How did he trick you into telling him about us?” “It just kind of slipped out. Kerry said he knew I wanted him, and I told him I didn’t need him because I had you. The words were out of my mouth before I realized what I’d said. I know he set me up. He must have guessed about us from that time he saw us together in Merton’s. Are you angry with me, Orlando?” “No, of course I’m not. I’m angry at him for coming on to you.” “He doesn’t stand a chance. Even if I didn’t know about his reputation, I already have the greatest boyfriend in the whole world.” “I’m far from being the greatest,” said Orlando.

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“You’re the greatest to me! Kerry really is a jerk. You know he kept coming on to me even after he found out you and I are dating?” “Kerry couldn’t care less about relationships. It’s all just a big game to him. Hell, I bet the fact that you’re taken just makes you all the more of a prize. It’s more of a challenge for him. Watch out for him, Toby; he can be incredibly seductive.” “Well, I want nothing to do with him.” “I’m glad to hear that, but still, be careful, he’s dangerous. He can mess with your mind.” “I already know what he’s like, so I can resist his power. If I was single, he would have more of a chance, but I’ve got you.” “I really want to kick his ass,” said Orlando. “Don’t. I don’t want you getting hurt. Besides, all he did was come on to me. I told him no, so that’s the end of that.” “Don’t be so sure, Toby. If he’s set his sights on you, he won’t give up until he’s bagged you. I’ve heard a lot about him since…well, since he got me.” “I’ll be careful.” “You tell me if he bothers you again.” “Okay.” I was sorry I’d put Orlando in a sullen mood, but I wanted to be honest with him. Maybe there was such a thing as being too honest, though. Maybe I should’ve just kept my mouth shut. “Want to come in? If my brother isn’t home we can make out for a while,” I said. “I can’t pass that up,” said Orlando, gazing into my eyes. “I wish no one was home.” “Me, too.” Mom was there as expected, however. So was Mackenzie, but he was watching TV. Orlando and I made straight for the room I shared with my brother, closed the door, and made out like nobody’s business until we heard Mackenzie come barreling down the hall. We pulled apart just as he entered. Mackenzie sat back on his bed and grinned at us. He had a devilish gleam in his eyes. “Watch out, Orlando. I’ve seen that look before. Mackenzie is in evil-littlebrother mode.” “Me?” he asked innocently, still smiling. “Yes, you. Out with it.” “How long have you two been dating?” he asked.

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“Who says we are?” “Yeah, right. I’m not stupid you know.” “Then we’ll disregard the rumor,” I said. Mackenzie ignored me. “I’ve been keeping an eye on you two. I knew you were up to something. You both look completely guilty right now, so I’d say you were making out right before I came through that door. You wouldn’t have had it closed if you weren’t up to something, and besides there’s something else that gives you both away.” “And what’s that?” I asked. “There’s a hickey on your neck that wasn’t there when you came home,” said Mackenzie, grinning. I jumped up and looked in the mirror. He was right. “Sorry,” said Orlando. “I guess I got carried away.” The hickey was down near my collar. If I was careful, I could keep Mom from noticing it. Mackenzie was sitting back on his bed, his eyes gleaming with devilish delight. “If you give me five bucks, I’ll leave so you can have some homo time.” “I thought the going rate was a quarter,” said Orlando. “Nope, inflation.” “We can make you leave,” I said. Mackenzie crossed his arms, trying to look tough. The truth was he was quite a bit stronger than I was, even though he was a year younger. Strength had nothing to do with my plan. I looked at Orlando, pulled him to me, and kissed him right on the lips. “Ewww! Ewww!” said Mackenzie, jumping up quickly. “Excuse me, impressionable straight boy in the room!” Orlando and I ignored him and kissed even more deeply. “If you think you can drive me away by making out…” We continued to ignore him and went at each other hungrily. Orlando even felt my butt. “Oh, now that’s just gross. Okay, okay, you win. I’m outta here!” We stopped kissing only for a moment as my little brother departed, then got back to the serious business of making out. We kept going at it for a good long time, but we were a little uneasy that Mackenzie might barge in on us again. We couldn’t lock the door because that would arouse suspicions, and I wasn’t quite ready for Mom to know about me. The more we made out, the

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more I wished my family was gone for the evening. I wanted Orlando so desperately I could hardly stand it! When our need for each other became torment, we broke off our make-out session, fantasizing about the next time we could be together completely alone. If Mom was gone, I would’ve gladly paid Mackenzie five bucks to get lost. We went downstairs to avoid temptation. I think both of us feared we’d get so worked up we would throw caution to the wind. Who knew what would happen then? Visions of my mom walking in while we were doing it danced in my head. I wanted to avoid that nightmare at all costs. Can you even imagine? Mom invited Orlando to stay for supper. Dad was going to be home late again, so it would be just the four of us. I wished Mom could fix some kind of authentic ethnic meal such as Orlando’s mom had prepared, but my family wasn’t what I’d call ethnic. We weren’t specifically anything: just kind of a mix. I guess that made us mutts. Mom did whip up one of her special pizzas, which were far superior to those from a pizza place. Orlando told Mom it was delicious, and I think he meant it, although he probably would’ve said the same thing to be polite even if it tasted like ketchup on cardboard. It was fun having my boyfriend over for dinner, even though Mom didn’t know he was my boyfriend. It made him more a part of my life, and the more Orlando was in my life, the happier I felt. Mackenzie behaved himself. At first I was a bit surprised, but then I realized that Mackenzie knew I’d pay him back for anything he did the first time he brought a girl home. Being the elder brother did have a few advantages. “What do you want to do now?” asked Orlando, as we stepped into the living room after supper. I wiggled my eyebrows. “Let me rephrase that. What do you want to do that we can do? Wait, don’t tell me: You want to go check out the Delphi.” “You read my mind!” “I know how crazy you are about theatre. You won’t rest until you check things out and see if there’s any chance the owners might be up for getting a community-theatre troupe together.” “The only thing that kept me for running there straightaway was you,” I said. “I would have run there with you.” “Yeah, but I wanted to make out,” I whispered so Mom and Mackenzie couldn’t hear from the kitchen. Believe it or not, my little brother had volun-

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teered to help clean up. I wondered if he was coming down with something. More likely, he was up to something. “Come on,” said Orlando, “let’s go check it out.” The light was fading fast as we walked through the streets of Blackford. I almost couldn’t wait for winter. I could picture myself snuggled up against Orlando as we sat before a roaring fire. Lots of little scenes like that played out in my head—Orlando and me sunning on a tropical beach, the two of us alone together for a whole weekend in some distant vacation cabin, Orlando and me shopping for groceries together, dining out, and more. There was so much I wanted to do with him that I felt like there would never be enough time for it all, even if we had a hundred years. The old Delphi Theatre was a beauty, even in its rundown state. The huge marquee hung out over the sidewalk and even out over part of the street. Most of the light bulbs were missing or busted and the only message on the marquee was, “For Sale,” but I could just imagine what it would look like all lit up, advertising some movie or, better yet, a play starring TOBY RIESTER. Above the marquee was a huge vertical neon sign with letters that must’ve been three-feet high reading, “Delphi.” The sign was dark now and barely legible in the failing light, but hopefully it, too, would someday light up the night. The windows were dusty, but there was light coming from inside. One of the doors was open, and Orlando and I stepped in. “Hello? Is there anyone here?” I called out. I looked up. The ceiling was coming down here and there, littering the black and white marble floor with bits of plaster, but the beautiful designs were unharmed. All around the edges was golden scrollwork, and much of the rest of the ceiling was covered by little angels, horses, and chariots. It looked like something one would see on an old Greek temple. The whole lobby looked as if it had been untouched since the theatre closed down. There was a dusty concession booth with an old popcorn machine, soda fountain, and glass cases that had once been filled with candy. Displayed in frames around the room with “Coming Soon” written above them were movie posters for Jaws, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Return of the Pink Panther, and The Apple Dumpling Gang. “Whoa. All these movies are way old,” said Orlando. “Well, the place did close down in the 1970s. What were you expecting? Advertisements for Phantom Menace and The Fellowship of the Ring?” “I guess not.”

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We were interrupted in our sightseeing by the sound of footsteps coming from what I supposed must’ve been the theatre itself. An old man with long white hair tied back in a ponytail entered the lobby. I recognized Mr. JamesEgler from the many times we’d been to his farm. “Hello, there,” he said with a friendly smile that caused the corners of his eyes to crinkle. “We heard you were restoring this place, and well…we were curious to see what you’re doing in here,” I said. “I’m glad to see someone else is interested. Did you know they were going to tear this place down? Kurt and I couldn’t stand for that. We had a lot of good times in this old theatre.” “So you guys are going to put it back like it was?” I asked. “Exactly. Everyone has told us it’s a poor investment, but when you get to be our age, money doesn’t matter all that much. I’d rather leave behind a historic building than a full bank account any day, not that I’m planning on kicking off anytime soon. Blackford won’t get rid of me that easily. Let me see, your name is Toby, right?” “Yes, Mr…” “Call me Angel.” “You remember me from when I came to your farm?” “Of course, dear boy. Your mother has been bringing you and your brother out every fall for pumpkins and every Christmas for a tree since you were old enough to walk. Kurt and I have caught your performances as well. You’re quite the little actor.” “Thanks! I’m doing Peter Pan now. Orlando here is an actor, too; he’s playing Captain Hook in the fall play.” “I can’t wait to see it, but you came to have a look around, so let me give you a tour.” Angel led us across the lobby and into the theatre, which was lit by house lights. I marveled at its magnificence. Everywhere I looked there were ornate carvings like the ones in the lobby, only more grand. The ceiling above was painted with a cloudy sky so realistic it looked as if the theatre had no roof, but was open to the heavens. The theatre was much larger on the inside than I’d imagined, with hundreds of seats and even a large balcony. There was a huge screen on the far wall and in front of it a wide stage. “Grandma said they used to do vaudeville here,” I said.

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“Yes, I’ve heard that myself, although that was before my time, even,” said Angel. “Do you think…do you think maybe you’ll have plays here as well as movies?” “We’re just starting, so I haven’t given such things much thought, but I don’t see why not.” “So if someone started up a local theatre group, it could use the theatre?” “That sounds like a good idea to me.” I grinned and the wheels began turning in my head. “It’s going to take awhile to get this place in shape,” said Angel. “We’re having the roof repaired right now and the whole place cleaned up. Structurally this old building is quite sound. Most of the restoration will be merely cosmetic, although we’ll be getting new projectors and some new lighting. The plumbing needs some updating, and, of course, it needs proper access for the handicapped. It’s quite a project, but Kurt and I are merely supervising. We’re hiring contractors to do the actual work.” “How are you going to run this place and your farm, too?” I asked. “The same way we’ve run the farm for years, by hiring the right people. Kurt and I were never big on farm work, so from the beginning we surrounded ourselves with people who know what they’re doing. We love to travel and enjoy life too much to be tied down. Time flies by so quickly you wouldn’t believe it! Kurt and I are both 64 now, and it seems like we were your age just last week. Take my advice boys and enjoy every moment of your life.” “Mom is always saying I should enjoy my youth, because it’s the best time of life,” said Orlando. “She’s right about enjoying yourself, but just between you and me, youth isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I was much happier when I got a bit older. You should enjoy your youth, but don’t think your life will be over when you hit thirty or even sixty. It’s just beginning then!” I instinctively liked the old man, and the more time I spent with him, the younger he seemed. Already, it was impossible to believe he was in his sixties. He seemed boyish, as if he should be in high school himself. I wondered what he looked like back then. “Let me show you upstairs. We’re still trying to decide what to do with it, but there’s a wonderful room up there.” We climbed the stairs that led to the balcony, but continued on to the top floor. There Angel led us into a large room filled with old lights, projectors, and even costumes. The contents weren’t what caught my eye, however, but the

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view. The three of us drew near to a dusty window that looked down on Main Street. “How beautiful!” I said. “I imagine it will look even better when we get the windows clean,” said a voice behind us. I turned around and met the other Mr. James-Egler, who we were soon instructed to call Kurt. He walked right over to Angel and draped his arm across his shoulder. I’d heard rumors about Angel and Kurt, and the way they looked at each other led me to believe the rumors were true. Why else would they have a hyphenated last name anyway? They were definitely a couple. “This place will be something when we get it finished,” said Kurt. “It’s a project we should have taken on years ago, but there just isn’t time for everything.” “I’m glad you’re doing it now,” I said. “Thank you.” Orlando and I talked with Angel and Kurt for quite a while about the theatre and its history. Before we departed, we were invited to come back and check on the progress of the restoration any time we wanted. I walked away from the Delphi with a warm feeling in my heart and plans in my head.

Cedi My room vibrated with music. I had my electric guitar out and was playing along to Phantom’s Do You Know That I Love You. The song had been out for six years or so, and I’d always loved it, even when it was played on the radio incessantly. Some people were downright sick of it because of that, but it had some of the coolest guitar sections—really awesome sounding stuff that was exceedingly difficult to play. My admiration for Kieran had grown tremendously when I’d tried to learn the song. New York Nights was a cool song to play, too. It had some intense and loud guitar sections. I loved playing Deep In The Darkness as well. It was a ballad with a slow rhythm, and the guitar was prominent in the song. I loved songs with good guitar sections. Of course, I played my own songs, too, but that was harder since I didn’t have a band together. I’d kept my eye out at school, but it didn’t seem like anyone played. I was wondering if I should put up some flyers or something. At least I could practice and keep working on my lyrics. I couldn’t play the keyboard or drums well, but I could imagine how they would sound in a song. Not having a band didn’t keep me from songwriting. It did make practicing the songs hard, which is why I loved playing along to Phantom songs. I liked a lot of groups, but Phantom was my favorite, mainly because of Kieran. Rolling Stone had called him the best young guitarist in the world, and they weren’t wrong. I dreamed of playing like him and just plain performing in a band. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what it must be like for him. I mean, Phantom is the number-one band, period. A lot of critics said they would be a one-hit wonder, but they stayed on top and just got better and better. I was going to be famous like that someday—maybe not that famous, but famous. I wanted to play theatres and big auditoriums. I wanted to play on talk shows

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and make appearances on TV and be in magazines. Mostly, I just wanted to get up in front of a big audience and play. That would be so wicked! I looked at the lyrics sitting on my desk, the very lyrics Thad said were total crap. He really pissed me off. I thought about the last time I’d been with Thad, how he’d kissed me and then shoved me away. He wanted that kiss as much as I’d wanted it. Why did he have to run all hot and cold on me? I’d been trying not to think about him so much. I’d kept myself busy and hung out with my friends. He always slipped right back into my mind, though, no matter how hard I tried to keep him out. I guess I didn’t really want to quit thinking about him; perhaps that’s why I couldn’t. I wanted to fall into his arms and make wild, passionate love. I wondered what he looked like naked. He looked damned good with clothes on, and he’d felt kind of built when I’d hugged him, way more built than I would’ve expected of a writer. I closed my eyes, consumed by lust. There was a lot more to what I felt for Thad than mere lust, but it was a powerful driving force. There was no use in fighting it. Thad was right, I was infatuated with him. Maybe I was even in love with him. I put my guitar down, walked out of my room, and ran toward Thad’s house. The hot sunny day had clouded over, and it was growing darker by the minute. It was a while before sunset, but dark clouds were rolling in, threatening rain. A distant rumble of thunder added to the sense of an impending storm. If it materialized, it might be a big one. It was hot and humid, just the right conditions to whip up a really fierce tempest. Before I knew it, I was standing in front of Thad’s house, my chest heaving. I hadn’t realized I’d been running so hard. I stared at his front door, no longer certain why I was there. I knew what I wanted, but wanting and getting were two entirely different things. I didn’t even make it up the front steps before I was stopped, not by Thad, but by his neighbor, an old lady in her sixties. She stared at my purple hair, but chose not to comment on it. “He’s not home.” “Where is he?” “At his farmhouse, I believe.” I reasoned it was the old house mentioned in the newspaper article, the one Thad was restoring. “Can you tell me where it is?”

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“Of course I can. Just go south of town right past the James-Egler farm. About a half mile on, you’ll come to a dirt road on the left. Follow it through the woods, and it will take you right to the house.” “Thank you.” I had no idea how far it was to the James-Egler farm, and I didn’t know how far back through the woods I’d have to go to get to the old farmhouse, but I was determined to see Thad again, and soon. I sped out of Thad’s yard, raced past the old houses on Culver Street, and ran on to the A&W drive-in and beyond. The A&W marked the southern edge of Blackford, and there was nothing but fields for quite a distance beyond it. It was almost another mile after that before a large, two-story house came into view. I ran on, but found no dirt road. Finally, after perhaps another mile, I spotted another farmhouse. There was a sign near the road reading, “James-Egler Farm.” I ran past the big, old farmhouse, a barn and other buildings, and kept on running between more fields and pastures. I was gasping for breath by the time I finally reached the old dirt road. I slowed to a jog as I turned onto the dirt road. Grass grew long in the center and on the sides. The road looked like it hadn’t seen much traffic until recently, which made perfect sense, because Thad had only just begun work on the abandoned farmhouse. The approaching thunder grew louder as the skies darkened even more. Huge rain drops began to fall, just a few at first, but then more and more. Soon, I was trapped in a downpour. The rain came down so hard and fast I could see only a few feet in front of me. In seconds my clothes were soaked. At first it felt refreshing, but then the temperature began to fall and I was chilled. What was up with the rain and Thad? This wasn’t the first time I’d gotten soaked on my way to see him. Perhaps it was some kind of sign, but, if so, I didn’t understand it. I looked up at the churning clouds above, although the rain was pounding down so hard it was difficult to see anything. The sky looked angry and dangerous, the clouds roiling and spitting lightning. This wasn’t a mere September rain; a real tempest was brewing. I’d picked a bad time to go for a run. I needed to find shelter. I ran under the eaves that the forest formed with the canopy of leaves over the road. It gave me some protection from the deluge, but not enough. The road was a mere tunnel through the dark wood, and the further I jogged along, the darker it became. My breath was still coming too fast, so I slowed to a walk. My wet clothes clung to my body, and I shivered.

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The temperature must have dropped twenty degrees, all in the space of a couple of minutes. The storm assailing the wood was wicked. The wind howled through the trees, the thunder rumbled all about me, and the rain penetrated the leaves above to douse me further still. I must’ve walked a mile with no sign of the old farmhouse. I couldn’t have missed it, for there was only one road. I walked on as the sky above turned inky, not that I could see much of it through the leaves, but the bits I could make out looked like a churning black morass, even uglier and angrier than before. The shadows under the trees grew darker and darker until it was difficult to discern the path. The treetops were swaying violently overhead, and bright flashes of lightning lit the forest with sudden daylight. There was a blinding flash followed by a deafening clap of thunder that nearly made me jump out of my skin. I was smacked in the back of the head by something and turned around quickly to see a tree ruined and smoking. It had been struck by lightning far too close for comfort. I looked down at the grassy road and saw a piece of the tree lying there, new wood exposed. That’s what’d hit me. I rubbed the back of my head. It was sore and I could feel a welt beginning to rise. I began running again as limbs swayed and whipped in the increasingly forceful wind. I ran for what seemed like another half mile at least. Finally, the woods opened into a clearing, and there was the old farmhouse. It wasn’t what I was expecting. To me, a farmhouse was like those I’d passed getting to the old dirt road—two story, with clapboards, and painted white. This one was made entirely of brick and didn’t look like any farmhouse I’d ever seen. It was kind of fancy for a farmhouse and bigger than I expected, too. There was no doubt it was part of a farm, however, for there was an old log barn nearby as well as several log outbuildings. The wind was whipping around something fierce, sending the rain flying in every direction. Several guys were running for pickup trucks, tossing in tools, and beginning to pull away. I guessed they were the guys restoring the house. I looked up at the sky, and the thick clouds churned as if they were batter being stirred by an invisible spoon of colossal size. The sky looked less black out in the open, more of a dark gray with a sickly green mixed in. I’d never seen clouds like that before. The hair on the back of my neck stood on end, and another bolt of lightning struck way too close. “Get in here, you damn fool kid, before you get yourself killed!” It was him. Thad was standing in the doorway.

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I ran towards him, the rain stinging my eyes. The wind was getting strong enough that I had trouble keeping a straight course. Soon I reached the safety of the house. “What the hell are you doing running around in a storm? Are you completely brainless? Why are you here, anyway?” “There wasn’t a storm when I started out, and once it started there was nowhere else to go! I’m here to see you, arse-hole!” What was it about Thad that made me instantly angry? “Well, get your ass inside before you get struck by lightning.” The wind was becoming so fierce that Thad struggled to get the thick old door closed. It was dark inside the house. “Why don’t you have any lights on?” “There’s no electricity. This house was built in 1851.” “But those workmen had power tools.” “There’s a portable generator, but the house has no wiring.” “Oh.” “Look at you, you’re soaked. What is it with you and walking in the rain?” I remembered that this wasn’t the first time I’d come to Thad with wet clothes sticking to my body. “I told you I didn’t do it on purpose.” “You’re a real pain in the ass, you know that?” “I’m sooo sorry to bother you. I’ll just go back out in the storm!” I said, turning. “No, you won’t, you’d get yourself killed out there. If the lightning didn’t get you, a falling limb would.” The wind slammed against the long narrow windows so hard just then that I thought they would shatter. I looked at them in fear. “Don’t worry, this house has withstood every storm for the last hundred and fifty years, so it will probably weather this one, too. The walls are brick, 18" thick, and it would take a tornado to do serious damage.” “What if there is one?” “Don’t worry about it.” I shivered. “Come on,” said Thad, “let’s see if we can find something to dry you off with.” I followed him. We were in a wide hallway that looked like it ran the length of the house. Along one wall was a staircase with a carved railing. “Don’t touch the banister. The workmen are refinishing it.”

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“It looks like they’re refinishing everything.” “Pretty much. They’ve already finished with the roof.” “I bet it will take forever to get this place done.” “No, just a few months.” “That fast? What do you have, like…six guys working on the place?” “Try two dozen.” “But I only saw about half a dozen leaving.” “Most of them had already left. Unlike you, they listened to the weather report and knew a major storm was coming.” “So what are you doing here?” “I’m not afraid of storms,” said Thad, looking back at me. I gazed into his eyes for a moment. I had the feeling he wasn’t afraid of anything. Thad led me to the top of the stairs. On the second floor was another long hallway. The stair ended right in the middle of it. We made a U turn and walked a few doors down. We entered a room that smelled of paint-stripper. I gasped for a moment in surprise. There was a boy watching the storm through the windows. In the dim light I momentarily took him for a ghost. I frowned, wondering what he was doing there and wishing he was a ghost after all. Thad noticed me staring at him. “Cedi, this is Josiah.” Josiah turned and smiled. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Cedi.” “You’re British,” I said, for his accent made it clear. “I’m from Britain. I’m guessing you are as well. Lincolnshire?” “Yes, how did you know that?” “I’m good with accents.” Josiah seemed quite pleasant, but I instinctively disliked him. A slight smile touched Thad’s lips. He knew I was jealous, and he was enjoying it. It made me want to slap him. “Here,” said Thad. “You can use these to dry yourself, they’re clean.” He punched open a large box of rags and handed one to me. I had no idea one could purchase a box of rags, but they were indeed clean. I stripped off my shirt and began to dry myself. As I did so I took a better look at Josiah. His hair was jet black and his eyes ice blue. His skin was pale, and his features were finely drawn. He was cute, and even beautiful in a mysterious, powerful sort of way. He had a slim, solid build, and overall was a lot better looking than I was. I hated him.

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“The storm’s quite wicked,” said Josiah, gazing fearlessly out the window once more. Josiah had given me the once-over, but seemed far more interested in the storm than in me. I felt as if he’d checked me out and decided I’d provide no competition for him. I had the sudden urge to attack him. “Here, we’ll hang your shirt up, and maybe it will dry,” said Thad. He walked over to the wall and took a red flannel shirt from a hook. “You can wear this. I keep it here. It gets chilly in here at times.” “Thanks.” I finished drying my hair and torso, then slipped the shirt on. I was thankful to cover my bare chest. Josiah left me feeling a bit inferior. The flannel was snuggly and warm. I looked at Thad. I wanted to kiss him, but we weren’t alone. I was agitated by the presence of Josiah. Who was he? What was he doing here? He couldn’t have been more than fifteen. A part of me hoped he was Thad’s son, but he was too old. Thad was thirty and unless he’d fathered a kid when he was fifteen himself…No, Josiah wasn’t his kid. They didn’t look that much alike, and Thad wasn’t British. I guess his kid could’ve lived in England, but none of it quite made sense. Thad joined Josiah at the window and draped his arm over Josiah’s shoulders. I burned with jealousy. Was this why Thad ran hot and cold on me? He already had another boy? Josiah was definitely illegal, however. If Thad was sleeping with him, it was a felony. Thad smiled at me, and for a moment I hated him, too. “Do you live in Blackford, or nearby?” I asked Josiah, trying to sound as if his answer didn’t matter, when in reality I felt as if my entire future hinged upon it. “No, I’m just visiting.” I sighed with relief before I could stop myself. Thad’s eyes twinkled as he gazed at me, and my face flushed. “Visiting Thad?” “Yes, you might say I’m a fan.” “Ah, his books?” Josiah nodded and I felt a bit better. He didn’t live near, so chances were he wouldn’t be around long. I still wondered how he knew Thad and what was between them. He was fan, he said. I wondered just how he expressed his admiration. I felt like an outsider standing there, a third wheel, and I hated how it made me feel. I considering walking right back out into the storm, but I knew I’d

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stew about Thad and Josiah if I did. I’d go crazy thinking about them and wondering if they were up to something. The rain pelted against the window panes, and I could see distant trees swaying in the harsh wind. My eyes were drawn to Thad’s arm draped across Josiah’s shoulders. They were far too chummy. I couldn’t help myself; I burned with jealousy. I wanted to yell at that kid and at Thad, but losing control would only make me look foolish. I was afraid, also, that Thad would turn and tell me to go away again—to go away because he already had a boy. Surely he wouldn’t be interested in this kid, however. Thad had told me numerous times I was too young, and Josiah was obviously two or three years younger than I was. Sure, he was good looking and nicely built, but he was still a kid. Thad wouldn’t go for him—or would he? I wished I hadn’t come looking for Thad. I couldn’t get him out of my mind, but now that I was standing there with Thad and Josiah, I felt foolish and uncomfortable. I couldn’t say the things I wanted to say, not only because Josiah was there, but because his presence further clouded the muddy waters of whatever relationship there was between Thad and me. I was trapped for the time being, however, so there was nothing to do but make the best of it. “I was just about to show Josiah the two rooms that are finished,” said Thad. “Why don’t you join us?” I nodded and he led the way out of the room and down a darkened hallway. “Wait here just a minute. I want to light the lamps before you enter,” said Thad, with an edge of excitement I hadn’t heard in his voice before. I barely got a glimpse of the darkened room before Thad closed the door, leaving Josiah and me standing in the hallway. There followed an awkward silence during which Josiah smiled at me. I looked away rather than smile back. I didn’t want him there. I didn’t like anything about him. If he took note of my hostility, he said nothing, and I disliked him for that, too. He was just too damned polite and definitely too good looking. I wanted to scream at him to leave. Thad returned what must’ve been only a few moments later, but seemed an eternity. He flung the door wide open and ushered us in. Stepping through the doorway was like stepping into another world. Outside the door all was in disarray, but inside everything was well ordered and homey. I didn’t go in for antiques, but the bedroom we’d entered was quite beautiful, with an intricately carved bed and matching dresser of dark wood. The dresser had a large mirror and a marble top. The floor was bare, but polished so that the light from several oil lamps about the room reflected off it. Four tall but narrow windows,

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curtained with a dark green cloth, looked out over the old log barn and other buildings. Lightning created a dazzling display, and the ensuing thunder shook the wavy old glass. “It’s beautiful,” said Josiah. “Here’s what I like best,” said Thad, leading us through a wide-open doorway, rounded at the top. It was more than a doorway, more like an archway of dark wood made to separate one room from the other, while still preserving the sense that both rooms were one. The second room had curtained windows along the side like the first, but the other walls were covered floor to ceiling with bookcases, all currently empty. There was a large, old table of the same dark wood as the bed in the outer room. “I’m going to do my writing here. The only entrance to this room is through the bedroom, so it feels very private.” I could see the appeal the room had for Thad. It was as if it was made for a writer. I could picture him sitting at the table, working on one of his novels. The entire suite had a decidedly masculine feel to it that fit Thad perfectly. The room was beautiful, but not in the least feminine. All was dark wood and dark cloth, lightened by the cream-colored wallpaper with tiny designs I couldn’t make out in the lamplight. I walked toward an old armchair that was upholstered in the same green found in the curtains. “I picked that chair up at an auction in town,” said Thad. “I had the curtains made to match because it was the exact color I wanted. Most antique chairs aren’t comfortable, but this one is an exception. I love the tufting on the back as well.” “These rooms feel like…you,” I said. “I’m taking my time and picking out exactly what I want. I’m going to spend a lot of time working here, so I want it just right. I’m going to move in as soon as the electricity is hooked up, which shouldn’t be long. I had these rooms done first so I could move in as soon as possible. The bathroom and kitchen are next on the list.” “It’s wonderful,” said Josiah, smiling at Thad. “It looks like the storm is letting up,” said Thad. I gazed out the windows. Rain was still coming down hard, but the wind had slackened. The lightning had gone on its way, too. “I think we can leave now without getting blown away or struck by lightning,” said Thad. “Come on.”

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Thad led us back down the hallway and downstairs. He locked the front door as we stood on the porch. We made a dash for a truck and were soon on our way back to town. Thad seemed overly friendly with Josiah, as if they’d been friends forever. How long could he have known him, though? I wished Thad would drop the kid off at the bus stop or somewhere so we could talk, but no such luck. “Where do you live, Cedi? I’ll drop you off,” said Thad. I gave him directions, trying not to let on how rejected I felt. “It was very nice to meet you, Cedi. Perhaps someday I’ll see you again,” said Josiah when Thad pulled up in front of my house. “Nice meeting you, too. Perhaps we will meet again,” I said, while thinking: not if I have anything to say about it. Thad let me out and took off without so much as a backward glance. I’d accomplished nothing—less than nothing, in fact. I was more confused than ever about where I stood with Thad, and now there was Josiah to think about, too. Thad was probably driving him back to his place. It should’ve been me in that truck with Thad instead of that damned child. The rain had stopped, and the clouds were clearing quickly. I didn’t go inside. My head was too full of thoughts and my heart too full of emotions for me to remain still. I took off running, hoping to burn off the frustration I felt. My thoughts churned as the clouds had earlier, and they were just as dark. Too many thoughts assailed me, too many feelings, so I ran harder. I raced through the streets of Blackford, block after block, past homes and businesses. I ran until my breath came in gasps and my heart pounded. I ran until my side began to scream in pain. “Is the football team after you again?” called out Toby as I raced across the park. I’d shot past Toby before his voice had registered in my mind. I slowed and jogged back to him. I stood before him panting, hands on knees, trying to catch my breath. “No,” I managed at last. “I was just out running.” “I only run if something is chasing me,” said Toby, “something big.” He grinned. “So what are you doing out here?” I asked, realizing only then that evening had come on. No hint of the stormy clouds remained, and the stars were beginning to wink into existence one by one. “I’ve just been thinking, mostly about Orlando and about Orlando and me, where we’re going, and what’s going to happen to us.”

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“You make a good couple,” I said. “We’re so different.” “Not that different. Besides, don’t opposites attract? “I dunno.” “Maybe that’s why I’m so drawn to Thad, because we’re so different.” I turned to look at Toby, realizing I’d spoken my thoughts out loud. Toby sat down on the edge of a picnic table, and I took a seat beside him. We looked up at the stars and soon we were lying side by side on our backs on the table-top, gazing up at the heavens. “Sometimes I just get worried,” Toby said. “I just feel like Orlando is far too good for me.” “Surely he’s not that perfect,” I said. “No, he has his faults, but he’s so good looking, so kind and loving. I don’t feel like I deserve him.” “It’s not like he’s a model or something, Toby. I mean, Orlando is good looking and all, but he’s not that good looking. You just think he is because you love him.” “Maybe.” “Besides, you’re good looking, too. I don’t know you all that well yet, but you seem like a really nice guy to me. I’d say Orlando is as lucky to have you as you are to have him.” “Thanks, but I still don’t feel like I deserve him. I’m afraid some day he’ll look at me and realize I’m not as great as he thinks I am.” “Why worry about it?” I asked. “Why not just enjoy what you’ve got? So what if it doesn’t last? You’re what, fifteen?” “Sixteen.” “Okay, sixteen, that’s just a couple of years younger than I am. If I was dating someone right now, I wouldn’t expect it to last forever. I don’t even know where I’m going with my life. I have plans, sure, but the chances of meeting someone now whom I’ll be able to stick with until I’m old aren’t that good.” “But I want to be with Orlando forever!” “Maybe you will be, maybe you won’t, but what I’m saying is you’ve got something good going, so why ruin it by worrying? What’s going to happen will happen whether or not you worry about it.” “I guess you’re right.” “Me, see…I never worry. I just live my life and take what comes. I’m not trying to say I don’t try to make things happen. When I see something or

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someone I want, I go for it. I don’t waste my time worrying about all the ‘what ifs’ though. I mean, why bother?” “Speaking of going after who you want, how’s Thad?” asked Toby. I could hear a grin in his tone, even though I was gazing at the evening sky and not at him. “Driving me insane as always! I can’t figure him out!” Toby laughed. “I’m not even sure why I like him so much. Maybe it is the opposites-attract thing. I mean, he’s older and he’s kind of quiet, except when he gets mad.” “You’re definitely opposites then, you’re never quiet,” said Toby. “He’s a mystery. I get this feeling he needs me, but then all he really does is tell me to go away. Every time we see each other we argue. He calls me a ‘damned kid’ or something like that, but then he’ll turn around and kiss me.” “Yeah?” “Yeah, like this one time—he kissed me and we were starting to really get into it, you know? I started to unbutton his shirt; then he shoved me away and told me to get out. It’s like he wants me, then changes his mind. I don’t know, maybe he’s just playing games with me, but why bother? Why not just tell me to get lost?” “He has, hasn’t he?” asked Toby. “Yeah, I guess he has, but then when he holds me it just feels right. He holds me so tight it’s like he never wants to let me go. I wish I could figure him out.” “Maybe you like the mystery.” “Maybe, but I’d prefer to know what’s going on between us for once. He’s like a traffic signal that flashes red and green at random. There’s no pattern. You never know when he’s going to say go or stop. He drives me out of my mind!” “Yet you keep going back for more,” said Toby. “Yeah,” I said, smiling up at the stars. “He makes me so angry I could punch him in the face, but then I don’t want to hurt him. I want to jump on him and rip all his clothes off!” Toby giggled. “He’s so damned sexy! He’s so reserved and quiet, but I can tell that if I ever got him going he’d be intense. It’s like he’s all bottled up. If I could just pull his cork…” “Pull his cork, huh?” “Yeah!” I grew quieter.

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“Today, though, I just don’t know…” “Why? What happened?” “I went out to his place in the country, and there was this boy there.” “Who?” “His name is Josiah, but I’ve never seen him before.” “I don’t know anyone named Josiah at school.” “He’s not from here, but he was real chummy with Thad—too friendly. Thad had his arm around him.” “Do you think they’re…involved.” “I don’t know. I don’t think so. I mean, Josiah can’t be more than fifteen.” “Wow, that is young.” “Yeah, it would be illegal, and Thad has told me before he’s not interested in me because I’m too young.” “He said that?” “Yes, but then he kissed me. You see what I mean about him being confusing?” “That is confusing. Maybe he’s crazy or something.” “No, he’s not crazy. He’s dark and brooding. He’s temperamental and unpredictable. He’s wicked sexy. But he’s not crazy.” “You’ve got it bad for him, don’t you?” “He’s all I can think about! Before, when I was running, I was trying to run so hard I wouldn’t think about him, but I can’t get him out of my head. What if he’s got something going with Josiah? He says he’s not interested in someone so young, but what if he is? What if he’s already got a boy?” “I can’t see someone who is thirty taking the risk of doing it with a fifteenyear-old. It’s illegal. He could go to prison. I’ve seen Thad’s picture in the paper. He’s hot! He could have about anyone he wanted, so why would he bother with this Josiah?” “You’re probably right, but…” “But you’re jealous.” “I’m burning up with jealousy!” “Isn’t that just as bad as worrying?” asked Toby. “Think about it. You don’t know what’s between Thad and Josiah, but you keep thinking about it. You keep being jealous. That’s just like worrying that they’re a couple or that Josiah is Thad’s boy toy or whatever.” “Maybe you’re right, but it’s hard, you know?” “Yeah.”

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“I wish I could get him out of my head. I have trouble even working on my music, and music is my life!” “Well, applying your own philosophy to the situation, I’d say you should just go after Thad and not think about Josiah. If there’s something going on between those two you’ll find out soon enough.” “Good plan,” I said. “It would be nice if things were simple,” said Toby. “Everything gets so complicated. That’s why, sometimes, I like to come out and stare at the stars, like we’re doing now. The sky is so huge and there are so many stars that it makes me feel very small. It makes me feel as if my problems just aren’t that significant.” “I wonder what it would be like,” I said, “out there.” “I wish I could just fly up there and see,” said Toby. “I’d fly to the moon, then beyond. I’d fly to the second star to the right and then straight on…” “You’re getting yourself confused with Peter Pan again,” I said, giggling. “Maybe. We’re a lot alike, Peter and I. I wish I could grab Orlando by the hand and take him flying the way Peter does Wendy. I’d take him away to Neverland, and we’d live happily ever after.” “That would be nice, but life isn’t a fairy tale.” “It’s just as well, I suppose. If you think about it, most fairy tales are grisly. Those in them either live happily ever after or die a gruesome death.” “Perhaps we’re better off here,” I said. “Yes, perhaps.”

Toby Orlando and I stuffed our books in my locker. I guess he’d moved in with me in a way. Okay, it was just a locker, but still…I used his as well, but mine was more convenient as we made our way from fourth period to lunch. Kerry stopped just a few feet away from us as I slammed its door. He leered at us, then grinned at Orlando. I watched Kerry, becoming more afraid with each passing moment. “You talked to Kerry about what happened at the park, didn’t you?” I asked as we walked toward the cafeteria. “I wish you would just stay away from him.” “He’s not all bad, Toby.” “Weren’t you the one warning me about how dangerous he is?” “Well, yeah, but in certain situations he’s cool.” “What situations?” I asked. “We can’t talk about this now,” said Orlando. I wanted to argue, but he was right. We were entering the cafeteria, and there were certain things neither of us wanted our classmates to overhear. I was a little put out with Orlando, and I knew if we got into it we’d sound like a couple arguing. I didn’t have a chance to talk to Orlando until after play practice. Peter Pan was really coming together, and I was pleased Orlando was getting into it. He was having fun, and that was the key to success. He was growing quite comfortable on the stage, and I’d begun to have little daydreams about us going away to college together to study acting. My fantasies were premature, to say the least, but fantasies don’t have to be realistic—that’s why they’re called fantasies. I was more than a little preoccupied about what had gone down between Orlando and Kerry. I’d been quite relieved when I’d first spotted Orlando that

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morning. I’d halfway feared he’d be sporting a black eye. Things obviously hadn’t come to blows, but I was still uneasy. After practice, Orlando walked me home. I wasted no time getting into what had been bothering me since just before lunch. “So, what’s up with Kerry? I asked. “Nothing is up with him. We just had a talk about what he did at Phantom World.” “Yeah, and…?” “You kind of misinterpreted things.” “How so?” “Well, at first he didn’t know you were dating me…” “Yeah, but when I let it slip he kept right on flirting with me.” “We talked about that. Kerry said he wasn’t trying to come between us or get you to cheat on me.” “That’s exactly what he was doing!” “No, he wasn’t.” “How do you figure that? He was coming on to me!” “He was coming on to you. There’s no doubt about that.” “Well, then?” “He wanted to talk to you about something. You see, he’s not just interested in you. He’s interested in us.” “Huh?” Slowly realization dawned on me. “You mean, us, together, with him? You mean all three of us?” “Yeah. Kerry said he thinks you’re really hot, and, well, he’s already been with me, so…” “And so what did you tell him?” “I told him I’d talk to you about it,” said Orlando, looking away. “What?” I yelled. “What’s there to talk about?” “Well, I thought…maybe…that…” “Are you serious? What happened to Kerry being dangerous? First, you act like he should be avoided as if he was carrying the plague, and now you’re talking about some kind of three-way with him? I don’t believe you! After all he put you through, after what he did to Krista, after…everything, you’re seriously entertaining the idea?” “I just…I just wanted to talk to you about it, Toby. Kerry is very…well, it’s incredible with him. There’s something about him, and I thought that, maybe, if we were together, maybe you would want to…I mean, it wouldn’t be cheating because it would be both of us.”

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“How could you think I’d be interested in something like that? What about us? Don’t I mean anything to you?” “Of course you do! I love you, Toby! I just thought it would be hot, you know? It wouldn’t mean anything. It wouldn’t change what we have together. It would still be us—just with him, too.” “I can’t believe we’re even discussing this.” “I’m sorry, Toby. I didn’t mean to upset you. You’re obviously not interested, so I’ll tell him ‘no,’ of course. You don’t have to get upset.” “I am upset! We have something special, Orlando. It’s not just sex.” “I know that.” “Then why would you want to cheapen it, and with Kerry no less?” “I’m sorry, okay. I shouldn’t have brought it up.” “You shouldn’t have even considered it. I thought you were happy with me.” “I am happy with you! This doesn’t change anything between us. I wasn’t talking about some kind of three-way relationship. I know Kerry is just out for sex. It would just be like, I dunno, taking Cedi to the movies with us or something.” “It wouldn’t be like that at all,” I said, near tears. “I’m sorry I’ve hurt you, Toby. That’s the last thing I meant to do. I’ll tell Kerry ‘no’ and I won’t even think of it again, okay?” Orlando glanced around. There was no one in sight, so he gave me a quick hug. “I love you, Toby. Forgive me?” “Probably.” We walked the rest of the way to my house without saying more. I didn’t ask Orlando in. I was upset and needed to be by myself for a while. Mackenzie wasn’t home, so I had our room to myself. I lay back on my bed and thought about Orlando. I’d been worried he’d get into a fist fight with Kerry, but I’d never imagined he’d come back talking about getting together with him. What was it about Kerry? Even I’d felt drawn to him. I wished he would just go away. He was no good for Orlando. I tried not to cry, but everything seemed uncertain now. Maybe I wasn’t giving Orlando everything he needed. I thought our time together was incredible, but Orlando was more experienced. Maybe he wasn’t telling me the truth when he said how good I was in bed. My lower lip trembled as I thought an even worse thought: what if it wasn’t that I was no good in bed, but that Orlando just preferred Kerry over me? He was taller, better looking, and way better built. I was a whole lot nicer, but maybe that just wasn’t enough.

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Maybe it was time to take things to the next level. Perhaps then I’d be able to give Orlando whatever it was he needed and wasn’t getting. I felt so unsure of myself, though. I was perfectly happy with the way things were, but maybe Orlando wasn’t. I just needed to figure out what I could do to make him happy. I loved him and I knew he loved me. I wasn’t going to let myself get all upset over this. Every couple had troubles. This was just something we needed to work out. Or at least so I hoped.

Cedi I knocked on Thad’s door. There was no answer, but the door was ajar, and it soundlessly swung open. I entered the living room to find it empty. I heard movement upstairs and quietly crept up to the second floor. I approached Thad’s bedroom, ready to surprise him. I flung open the door, and my eyes fell on Thad and Josiah, naked and writhing on the bed. They both looked at me and laughed. Then I woke up. In the days following my trip to Thad’s farmhouse I dreamed about Thad and Josiah every night. The latest was the worst, but all my dreams of them were unpleasant. In one, I knocked on the door and Josiah answered wearing only his boxers. In another, Thad and Josiah answered together, both of them wearing only towels, clearly fresh from a shower they’d shared. I hadn’t gone back to Thad’s for fear Josiah would still be there. I just didn’t think I could stand it if I knocked on the door and Josiah answered. My dreams tormented me with the very reality I feared. I thought a lot about Josiah, and the more I thought about him the angrier I became. I woke up every morning hating that kid. Something had to give. I tried not to think too much about Josiah or Thad as I was in the bathroom getting ready for school, but I felt like I had no control where Thad was concerned. I was a man of action, not thought, yet it was hard to keep Thad and that little jerk out of my mind. When I returned to my room I turned on my CD player and lost myself in the world of music as I dressed. When I walked out of the room, I kept the music playing in my head so I didn’t have to think about anything. I did a good job of keeping myself distracted all the way to school. I just listened to the music no one else could hear. I had a talent for playing music in my head. I could actually hear it in my mind, word for word and note for note. I kept the music playing all the way to my locker. - 127 -

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“Homo!” I didn’t even have to pull my head out of my locker to know Chase was approaching. “Virgin!” I yelled as I dug through the pile of trash in the bottom of my locker to find my notebook. My voice echoed in the locker. “Ouch, that really hurts, man.” “Only because it’s true,” I said, finally looking at him. I grinned. Chase and I had developed an unusual friendship, one based largely on insults and innuendo. Our classmates didn’t know how to take it at first, but they’d grown accustomed to it. Most of the other jocks seemed amused by it and didn’t give me much trouble. Josh Lucas looked like he was chewing on nails every time our paths crossed, but so far he’d kept his fists to himself. Perhaps he’d gotten it through his thick skull that I’d retaliate every time he did something to me. I think a lot of the jocks left me alone because they were kind of afraid of me. I’d developed a reputation for being somewhat nuts and not having the sense to back down. That, along with my oddball friendship with Chase, had made my life a lot easier at school. “Hey, why don’t you join the football team?” asked Chase. “We could use a water boy.” “Nah, I don’t hang out with losers.” “Oh, yeah, I’m sorry. You’re too busy hanging out on your street corner, aren’t you?” said Chase. “I’m sure you’ve gotta work long hours to make a living at twenty-five cents a blow.” “Just don’t forget to bring your quarter next time, Chase, no more freebies. Oh, and tell your dad I’ll see him tonight at the usual time.” Chase laughed and went on his way. As soon as he was gone, Eddie sidled up to me. “I still can’t believe you get away with saying shit like that to Chase’s face,” said Eddie. “If anyone else did that, they’d be picking their teeth up off the floor.” “It’s just a game,” I said. “Neither of us means a word of what we say.” “On the first day of school I would’ve bet anything the jocks would be kicking your ass all year long.” “And you would’ve lost, big!” “I bet Josh would still like get you alone for a few minutes.” “He knows if he does, there will be hell to pay. If he ever touches me again, I’ll make him wish he was never born.”

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“Dude, I’m so glad you’re not my enemy. I’m afraid to even ask what you’d do to him.” I laughed. My day improved a great deal from that moment on. American History was even interesting, but then we had a substitute teacher who didn’t suck the life out of the past as Mr. Nix did. It was too bad he couldn’t be replaced permanently. The sub even thought my hair was cool. Chase, Eddie, and my other friends at school helped me keep my mind off Thad and the little jerk. When the school day was done, however, my mind went right back to Thad and his boy toy. I couldn’t take another night of disturbing dreams, so I headed for Thad’s house. If Josiah met me at the door, I’d just have to deal with it. There was no answer when I knocked, but then I heard footsteps approaching. I sighed with relief when Thad answered the door, alone. At least my nightmares hadn’t come true. “What are you doing here? It’s not raining.” I rolled my eyes. “Is he your boyfriend?” I asked Thad, point blank. “Or is he your boy toy?” “Who are you talking about?” “Josiah.” Thad didn’t answer, but stepped back so I could enter. I walked inside, turned, and fixed him with a stare. “Well, is he?” “Would that bother you?” Thad asked calmly, revealing nothing. I was edging toward tears, but I fought them off. “Yes!” I yelled. “Dammit! You know I want you!” My face flushed. I’d just made a fool of myself. Tears rimmed my eyes, but I willed myself not to cry. As I looked at Thad, something softened in him, just a bit. “Josiah is neither my boyfriend nor my boy toy. He’s my friend.” “You have a fifteen-year-old friend?” “He’s older than he looks, and what does it matter? I just told you, we’re friends, nothing more.” I glared at him. “There is nothing between Josiah and me. Even if we were interested in each other, it would be quite impossible.” “And why’s that?” “He already has a boyfriend.” I took a shuddering breath and felt a good deal better. I pointed at Thad.

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“You let me think…” “I let you assume. You don’t think, Cedi; that’s your problem. You’re too emotional. You just jump right in without thinking things through.” “I’m getting so tired of this!” I yelled. “I don’t understand you! First you seem interested, then you don’t! You’re driving me insane! I can’t sleep! I can’t think! Well, all I can think about is you! I want to be with you, dammit! You’re mine, and I don’t want anyone else to have you!” “I’m yours, huh?” asked Thad. “Well, I…I want you to be mine. I know you’re probably not interested in me. Sometimes I’m almost sure you are, but how could you be, and then…” “Let’s see some ID,” said Thad. “Huh?” “Some identification.” “You still think I’m under-aged?” “Let’s see it.” I pulled out my wallet and handed him my identification card from Danforth Academy. “Whoa! Cedric William Arthur George Oliver Forbes-Hamilton, the Fourth? That’s quite a name you’ve got there, Cedi.” “Yeah.” “Born July 12, 1985, I guess you are eighteen.” “I told you!” “You wouldn’t be the first person who has lied to me.” “I don’t lie!” “Obviously.” “If you really thought I was thirteen, why did you kiss me before?” “I didn’t think you were thirteen, sixteen perhaps, but not thirteen.” “So you lied!” “I pulled your chain. You’re quite entertaining.” Thad handed me back my card. “So I’m yours, huh?” asked Thad with an amused smile on his face. “Yes!” “Okay, I’ll be yours, for a while, just don’t expect it to last forever.” “What?” I asked incredulously. I could not believe my ears. “I’ll be yours,” Thad repeated. “That’s what you want, isn’t it?” I stared at him, tears flowing from my eyes. My breath came hard and fast, as if I’d been running at top speed for far too long. I ran to Thad and wrapped

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my arms around him. I cried into his chest. Thad took my chin in his hand and made me look up at him. “You’re not playing games with me, are you?” I asked. “Just kiss me, you little brat,” said Thad, leaning down. I pressed my lips to Thad’s as he wrapped his strong arms around me. I slid my tongue right into his mouth and ran it along his own. I boldly began unfastening the buttons of his shirt. He didn’t push me away. He didn’t try to stop me. Instead, he kissed me even more deeply, then jerked my own shirt right over my head and kissed me again. We sank onto the carpet, pressing against each other as we made out. I tugged at the zipper of Thad’s slacks. We worked out of our pants until we were rolling around on the floor in just our boxers. Thad’s chest had some hair on it, not a lot, just enough to be sexy. He was nicely built, too: slim, but firm with bulges in all the right places. I ran my hands all over his chest, then lower. Thad grabbed my hands, and I was afraid he was about to go cold on me. He didn’t push me away, however; he just held my hands and looked into my eyes. “Are you sure this is what you want, Cedi? You’re young and…” “I’m not a virgin, Thad. I’m not some innocent boy who’s letting his hormones control him. Yeah, my hormones are raging, but I want this. I’ve thought about it. I want this and I want you.” There was no more talk, only hot sweaty sex. I forgot about my fears and doubts. I forgot about Josiah. My attention was completely focused on Thad, on his body. I consumed him. I lost myself in him entirely. Later, I lay with my head on Thad’s chest, staring at the ceiling. I was completely relaxed. I snuggled against Thad until I began to grow sleepy. We just lay there for a long time until Thad sat up, took me in his arms, and carried me upstairs to his bedroom. There we made wild passionate love until we fell asleep in each others arms.

Toby “Brace yourselves, Hurricane Cedi is about to strike,” said Eddie. Cedi hurtled toward our table, his tray tilting at precarious angles, his peas in imminent danger of spillage. “GUYS! You’ll never guess what happened!” said Cedi, as he slid to a halt and dropped into the seat beside me. “You discovered green hair dye in the clearance bin at Jay-C?” asked Eddie. “Sod off! You remember that guy I was talking about, Thad?” “Hmm, let’s see. You mean the one you talk about all the time? The one you’re completely obsessed with? That Thad?” asked Eddie. “Yeah, that one!” “Did he autograph a book for you?” I asked. “Funny! We had sex! He’s incredible at making out and he…” “Spare us the details, please,” said Eddie. “You sure?” asked Cedi, his eyes lighting up with mischief. “I’m sure.” “Okay, but it was wicked! I’ve made out with lots of guys and girls…” “I think there’s a word for that,” said Eddie. “It starts with S and ends with T. I think there is a LU in there somewhere, too.” “I choose to ignore you!” said Cedi. “As I was saying, I’ve made out with lots of guys and girls, but Thad is way better than anyone else.” “He’s probably had lots of practice. He is really old,” I said, grinning. “Doesn’t he live in a nursing home?” asked Eddie. “He’s thirty, and he’s gorgeous!” I could not get used to the idea that Cedi was involved with someone so much older. When I thought of an older man, I pictured someone eighteen or maybe nineteen. Even twenty-three seemed way older, but thirty? I didn’t think I could ever be interested in anyone that old. It would be like dating my dad or - 132 -

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something. Of course, Eddie was dating Orlando’s mom, and she was even older. For some reason that didn’t seem as bad, though. Double standard? Perhaps. “I don’t think I could date someone that much older,” I said, voicing my thoughts out loud. “Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it,” said Eddie, grinning. “Yeah!” said Cedi. “Thad is incredible!” “I thought you said he was a jerk,” I pointed out. “Well, he was, and he is sometimes, but he’s also completely cool, and when we started ripping each others clothes off…” “Too much information,” I said. “Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot I was talking to a younger audience.” “You’re only a year or two older than most of us,” I said. “Yeah, but you’re so innocent,” said Cedi, teasing me. “I’m not that innocent.” “Oh really? Give us some details.” I rolled my eyes. Cedi was definitely not shy. “Uh, noooooooo,” I said. Cedi laughed. “That’s okay, I’ll give you some!” “I think I speak for the entire table when I say: ‘Shut up, Cedi’,” said Eddie. “Okay, no details, but it was incredible! I am so into him!” “Into who?” I turned at the sound of a voice that wasn’t completely familiar. “Hey, Chase!” said Cedi. “Who are you talking about, queer boy?” “My new boyfriend!” “What? You’re cheating on me?” “Sorry, hot stuff, but when someone bigger and better comes along…” “There is no one bigger,” announced Chase. “That’s not what I heard, Simmons,” said Eddie. “Blow me, Eddie.” “Sorry, Chase, can’t, I’m not one of your jock buddies, I’m not into that.” Chase flipped him off, but laughed. “See ya later, Cedi, I’m going to go sit with the real men. Besides, I’m afraid you’ll give me details if I stay here, and I’m not into that homo stuff.” “That’s not what I hear,” said Eddie. Chase flipped him off again, grinned, and departed. “I’m so excited!” yelled Cedi.

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“And this is different from every other day in what way?” asked Eddie. Cedi just giggled. “The boy is in love,” announced Eddie, “either that or unusually sugared up.” “I can’t wait to see him tonight! As soon as I run in the door I’m gonna…” “Stop!” said Eddie. “We’re getting dangerously close to too much information again.” “You guys are so tame!” said Cedi. “Shut up, and eat your pizza, boy,” said Eddie. Cedi stuffed a corner of his pizza in his mouth, bit off a big piece, and growled at Eddie. I shook my head. I looked over at Orlando. He’d been strangely quiet. Of course, with Cedi present it was hard to get a word in edgewise, but Orlando looked more thoughtful than usual. Like me, he was probably thinking about our argument over Kerry. I’d been thinking about the situation a lot, and I’d come to the conclusion that things were moving too slowly between Orlando and me. He’d dated before and was likely used to a lot more sex than I was. Okay, that wasn’t saying much, since I was a virgin until just recently, but he was likely considering a three-way with Kerry because he wasn’t getting enough of what he wanted from me. I was more than a little nervous about it and didn’t feel quite ready, but it was time to take things to the next level. I was afraid that if I didn’t move quickly, I’d lose Orlando. “Is your mom going to be home this evening?” I asked Orlando as we were walking away from school at the end of the day. “No, Eddie is taking her out somewhere or other. Why do you ask?” “Why do you think?” I grinned. Orlando smiled shyly, but didn’t look entirely comfortable, no doubt because of our argument. We didn’t say anything more all the way to his house. As soon as the front door was closed, I took Orlando’s hand and led him to his bedroom. He started to speak, but I placed my finger to his lips, then kissed him. He resisted only for a moment, then our tongues entwined. We undressed each other as we made out. Once we were both naked, I pushed him onto his back on his bed. I focused on making Orlando feel as good as humanly possible. I slid down his lean body and took him in my mouth without hesitation. When I had him good and worked up, I slowed down, and then stopped. I climbed up on top of Orlando and gazed into his eyes.

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“I’ve been thinking,” I said, “and I think it’s time to take things further. I want to go all the way, Orlando.” Orlando groaned with a mixture of arousal and frustration. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “I just don’t know if we should, Toby.” “Don’t you want it?” “Yes, I want it, but…” “But what?” “It seems…sudden.” “It’s not sudden, Orlando. We’ve been taking things slowly, maybe too slowly, so why shouldn’t we go all the way?” Orlando looked into my eyes with sadness. It was not the reaction I was expecting. “This is because of our argument about Kerry, isn’t it?” asked Orlando. I rolled off Orlando and lay on my back beside him. Sadness enveloped me. “I just want to be with you,” I said. “You didn’t answer my question.” “What does it matter? We’re boyfriends. There’s nothing wrong with us having sex together.” “That’s interesting.” “What?” “You said ‘having sex’ instead of ‘making love’.” “So what? You know what I mean. When we have sex, we’re making love.” “I don’t think you really want to go all the way—not yet anyway.” “I do.” “No, I can sense your hesitation, your fear.” “Let’s just do it, okay?” I said crossly. “Listen to yourself, Toby. Now you’re acting like it’s something you want to get over with as quickly as possible. Like it’s some kind of obligation you have to fulfill.” “Why do you have to analyze this? I’m offering myself to you.” “Yeah, you’re offering yourself to me, but as some kind of sacrifice.” “I guess you just don’t want me!” I said, getting up. “This is about Kerry; I know it is,” said Orlando. Tears began to well in my eyes as I quickly pulled on my boxers and jeans. I sat down on the edge of the bed and put on my socks and shoes. Orlando put his hand on my bare shoulder. “Toby?”

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I jerked away from him, stood, grabbed my shirt, and headed for the door. “Just leave me alone,” I said quietly, then walked out without a backward glance. Tears were spilling out of my eyes before I even made it to the front door. I was miserable. What was supposed to be a special night between Orlando and me had turned into a disaster. Why did he have to question everything? Things didn’t used to be like this. We didn’t analyze everything. We just followed our hearts. I thought that all my troubles would be over when I found someone to love, but boy was I wrong. I loved Orlando and he loved me, so why wasn’t everything perfect? Why didn’t everything just work out? Why couldn’t we just live happily ever after? I felt guilty for being angry with Orlando, but his rejection hurt. I’d offered myself to him and he’d turned me down. Maybe I really wasn’t attractive enough for him. Maybe he just wasn’t interested. Maybe his feelings for me didn’t run as deeply as mine for him. When he said he loved me, I knew he meant it, but maybe there was just something missing. I didn’t even want to think about the possibility, but maybe I wasn’t the one for Orlando. I was almost certain he was the one for me, but maybe it just didn’t go both ways. Life was so unfair. If you loved someone, he should love you back, and everything should just work out! I felt like refusing to speak to Orlando the next time I saw him. I was hurt and angry and a little embarrassed, too. I knew he wasn’t trying to make me feel foolish, however. I knew, too, that I had no real right to be angry with him, but I wasn’t willing to give up my resentment just yet. When I got home I hopped on Mackenzie’s Bowflex and did some of the exercises he’d showed me. I wasn’t really interested in working out. I just wanted to work off some frustration. What I wouldn’t have given for a punching bag. I’d barely started when my little brother walked in. “Trouble with the boyfriend?” he asked. “It’s none of your business!” I snapped as I was doing a bench press. “I’m sorry, Toby.” I stopped what I was doing. “No, I’m sorry. I’m just upset.” “Do you want to talk about it?” “No, but thanks for offering.” “Hey, that’s what little brothers are for. We can’t be annoying all the time you know.” “You need your machine?”

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“No, I worked out yesterday, I won’t use it again until tomorrow. It’s all yours.” “Thanks.” “I think you should calm down, though. You’ll hurt yourself if you go at it like that.” “I guess that’s what gave my mood away, huh?” “That and the tear streaks on your cheeks.” I wiped my face quickly. I hadn’t even realized I’d been crying. I went back to the bench presses, focusing my anger and frustration into physical exertion. It actually helped. I wondered if Mackenzie didn’t work out as much for that reason as for getting buff. No, my little bro wanted to be hot for the girls. Maybe if I would’ve worked out more in the past, Orlando would be more interested in me. I’d cooled off by the next morning, but all was not well. Things weren’t right between Orlando and me, and I didn’t like it. It made me feel all messed up inside. When I laid eyes on Orlando, my worries increased tenfold. He looked more upset than I’d ever seen him. “Orlando?” I said. He wouldn’t look me in the eyes. This is bad, I thought. “Orlando, I’m sorry about yesterday evening. I overreacted.” “It’s okay,” he said, still not looking me in the eyes. Kerry was standing near with a smirk on his face. What was up with him? Did he take pleasure in other people’s pain? I wished he would just go away—far, far away. “What’s wrong, Orlando?” said Kerry, stepping nearer. “Didn’t you tell him yet?” “Shut up! Just shut up and get the fuck away from me!” yelled Orlando. His outburst was so sudden and violent I instinctively took a step back. It was not at all like him to explode like that. Kerry wasn’t fazed, however; he just laughed and went on his way. I stood there, staring at my boyfriend. “Orlando?” He shook his head without quite looking at me. He looked like he was about to lose it. My heart beat wildly with fear, and I felt as if I would cry. Orlando turned and walked down the hallway. I caught up with him and walked by his side. He was going out of his way not to look at me. My head was filled with worrisome possibilities. Kerry’s words echoed in my mind: Didn’t you tell him yet? What did he mean by that? I was quite certain I wouldn’t like

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the answer, but not knowing was even worse. There was nothing to do but wait, however. Orlando and I could hardly get into it while surrounded by our classmates, most of whom had no idea we were dating each other. Orlando was unnaturally quiet, and I feared the worst. The rest of my day did not go well. The few times Orlando met my gaze his eyes were so filled with pain that I cringed. There was more going on than just our argument. Suddenly, our little spat meant nothing at all. Something far worse was on the horizon, or had already happened. I didn’t give my best performance during play practice. I just couldn’t get into the part. I had most of the lines down and my marks memorized, but only Pinocchio could have given a more wooden performance. If my audition had gone that badly, I would’ve been lucky to have landed a non-speaking pirate role. I told myself that it was only temporary. I’d be back in form in no time. I only hoped it was true. Orlando and I walked home after practice. He was silent. After a good, long while I couldn’t stand it anymore. “So, are you going to tell me what’s up or not? What did Kerry mean this morning when he said: Didn’t you tell him yet?” Orlando remained silent. “Talk to me!” “After you left, I went to talk to Kerry about his…suggestion,” said Orlando hesitantly. “About the three-way, you mean. And?” “I told him we weren’t interested, and I told him to stay away from you, but he didn’t take me seriously. He just stood there smiling like it was all some kind of joke. Then, he got real close to me. My mind went blank. He just kept looking at me. He made a move to kiss me, but I pulled back. Then, he grabbed my wrist and forced my hand down on his…package. He took his hand away, and I…didn’t.” “You didn’t what?” “I didn’t remove my hand. I groped him, just for a couple of seconds, then I jerked my hand away. I’m such a piece of shit. I don’t know why I…I don’t know what it is, but it’s like he’s got some kind of power over me. I’m sorry, Toby, I really care about you, yet I let this happen. I went to tell him there was no way we’d be getting together, and I ended up feeling him up. I feel so guilty. I just…I dunno. I should never have even told you about his three-way suggestion. I should never have even considered it. It’s like I have no will of my own when it comes to him.”

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I looked over and stared at him, dumbfounded, as we walked. “I can’t get him out of my mind, Toby. When I was groping him, I wanted more than anything to…even today, I kept thinking about him. A part of me just wants to…I can’t say it.” Tears were welling up in my eyes, and I bit my bottom lip to stop it from quivering. Orlando looked at me, saw the look of pain on my face, and began to cry. “I’m sorry, Toby,” he said through the tears. “Maybe us dating wasn’t such a good idea. I’m obviously not capable of being faithful to anyone. I hate myself.” “Orlando, I don’t quite know what to say. I thought you were happy to be with me. I know I am with you. I know we got into it last night, but…” “I am happy to be with you! I just…slipped. I don’t want to lose you. I want to beg you to take me back, but maybe I shouldn’t. You deserve better.” I was at a loss for words for a few moments, but I knew I had to say something or I’d lose Orlando. “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt about what happened between us last night and even more about what happened with Kerry, but let’s not blow things out of proportion. Maybe I was just trying to move too fast. And Kerry, well, you only had your hand on him for a couple of seconds, right? And then you pulled away?” “Yeah.” “Well, it’s not like you had sex with him. You didn’t, did you?” “No! That’s all that happened. I swear! I was going to tell you, but it was so difficult. I knew you’d be hurt, and you were already mad at me. I love you, Toby, and I don’t want to lose you.” “You’re not going to lose me. You know, it’s funny; you’re afraid of losing me, and I’m afraid of losing you.” “That’s why you wanted to go all the way yesterday evening, wasn’t it?” asked Orlando. “Yes,” I admitted. “I thought so. That’s why I turned you down, Toby. Not because I didn’t want you, but because I feared you were doing it for the wrong reason.” “I guess I was. I don’t know, but when you asked about us getting together with Kerry…it just scared me. It made me feel like I wasn’t enough for you.” “I’m so sorry, Toby. I won’t let anything like this happen again. I’m going to just stay away from Kerry completely.” “Do you think you can?”

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“I’ve got to. I love you and I don’t want to hurt you. You’re mad at me, aren’t you? I don’t blame you.” “Yeah, I am mad at you, but I’ll get over it. No one is perfect.” “I’m so sorry, Toby,” said Orlando, hugging me. “This is all my fault. I’ve made you feel like I don’t want you when I want you more than anything.” He started crying. again, which told me he sincerely meant it. “I’m so sorry.” “It’s okay, Babe,” I said, mussing his hair. Orlando kissed me. It couldn’t have been more poorly timed. We were in front of my house, and my mom was just coming out the door. “Oh, shit,” I said. Orlando turned quickly and looked at my mom, who was staring at us. Orlando wiped the tears away with the back of his hand. “Should I stay, or go?” Orlando asked me nervously. “I think I need to deal with this alone,” I said. “I’ll call you later, okay?” Orlando nodded. He looked as frightened as I felt. He walked away. I took a deep breath and turned towards my mom. I think it just might have been the hardest thing I ever did. “I guess we need to have a talk,” I said. I was trying to be brave, but my lower lip began to tremble. I always knew this day would come. Well, I didn’t know my mom would catch me kissing a boy, but I knew that someday I’d have to tell her about me. I guess what had just happened saved me the trouble. Tears spilled out of my eyes, and I began to cry. Then, something wonderful happened. My mom hugged me. “It’s okay, baby. Let’s go inside and talk.” Mom led me inside and through the living room. Mackenzie was lying on the couch, watching TV. “What’s wrong?” he asked as we passed through. “It’s none of your business. Stay out of the kitchen for a while. Your brother and I need to talk.” I knew my bratty little brother would be listening in, but I didn’t care. He already knew the truth about me, and it didn’t matter to him. Could I really hope my parents would be as accepting? Mom and I sat down at the kitchen table. It was every gay boy’s nightmare come true—his parents finding out he’s queer. I’d heard all kinds of stories about kids who got kicked out when their parents found out, kids who were sent off to be “treated,” and all sorts of other tales. The scary thing was that some of those stories were true. I clung to the fact that Mom had hugged me and told me it was okay.

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“Have long have you known, Toby?” she asked quietly. “For quite a while,” I said, looking at my fingernails. Mom took my hand. “This won’t change how your father and I feel about you, Toby,” said Mom. I started to cry again; tears ran down my cheeks. “It’s okay, baby.” I nodded. “So you and Dad have already talked about this? Did you know?” “Well, we’ve suspected for quite a while. We didn’t know, but there were certain signs.” “I guess the pictures of Phantom and all the other guys in my room were kind of a tipoff.” “Well, most boys your age have photos of girls on their walls.” “Like Mackenzie,” I said. “He’s definitely not gay.” “Have the two of you talked?” “Yeah, he knows about me. He’s been really cool about it.” “I noticed the two of you seem to be getting along better.” “Yeah, he’s turned out to not be quite as big of a brat as I thought,” I said, knowing he was listening in. “Actually, he’s been really accepting. It’s helped.” Mom smiled. “I’m glad to hear that.” “This is kind of a relief,” I said. “I’ve always been afraid of what would happen when you found out. I planned to tell Dad and you someday, but it was scary.” “You don’t have to be afraid, Toby. You’re our son and we love you. This makes no difference. I will admit, I’d be happier if you weren’t gay, but that’s only because I’m afraid you’ll get AIDS or that someone will hurt you.” “Sometimes I’m afraid, too.” “I guess I don’t have to ask if Orlando and you are more than friends.” “We were just friends, but we’ve gotten close. We’re dating now.” “This is an uncomfortable topic, but are you practicing safe sex, Toby?” I’m quite sure I turned completely red. Mom blushed a bit herself. “Yes, I, we…we’re careful.” “Do you use condoms?” I could not believe my mother was asking me that question. “We haven’t…done anything that we’d need to use a condom for,” I said, swallowing hard. This had to be the most awkward and uncomfortable conversation of my entire life. “I’ll have your father buy you a box. Now, I don’t want you to think I’m encouraging you to have sex, but I want you to have them, just in case. It would

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be easier for me to just pretend you aren’t sexually active, but I’ve thought about this, and I’d rather experience any amount of embarrassment and awkwardness than to see you catch some sexually transmitted disease. Abstinence is best, and I would be delighted if you decided to wait, but I know what it’s like to be a teenager.” I was sure I was completely red by this point. My face felt hot, as if I had a fever. “Thanks,” I said. “I’ve…Orlando and I, well, we’re careful.” “I know talking to your mom about sex is probably as fun as walking on hot coals, but I want you to know I’m always here for you. If you’d be more comfortable talking with your dad, that’s fine, too, but if you have questions, please ask. We love you, and we don’t want you to get hurt.” “Thanks, Mom. So…are you okay with Orlando and me?” “It will take some getting used to, but if you’re asking if he is welcome here, the answer is yes. We will expect you to keep your bedroom door open while he’s visiting. It would be no different if you had a girlfriend instead. When Mackenzie begins to date he’ll be required to leave the door open as well.” “I understand.” “It’s difficult for any parent to think about their child having sex. I think you’re too young, but I know I’m biased. I’ll probably think you’re too young when you’re thirty. That’s just the way parents are.” “I promise I’ll be careful. Orlando and I have been taking things slowly.” “That’s good to hear. Take things as slow as you possibly can, for the sake of your poor mother.” I actually grinned. “I think we should schedule you a doctor’s appointment,” she said. “Why?” “I think it would be wise for you to be vaccinated for hepatitis. It’s sexually transmitted, and it’s dangerous. I’ll make an appointment for your brother, too. He’s only a year younger than you.” I wondered what Mom would think if she knew my little brother had already had sex. He’d had sex before I did. “I’m not fond of shots, but okay.” “Why don’t you invite Orlando for supper tomorrow?” “Um, okay.” I wasn’t sure it was the best idea, but how could I say ‘no’ when my mom was being so supportive? “He’s really cute, and he seems like a nice boy.”

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“Yeah,” I said, grinning and probably turning redder still. “Um, are we done for now? I have homework to do and lines to memorize.” I couldn’t get out of that room fast enough. “We’re done—for now. How is the play coming along?” “Great. I’ll see you later, Mom.” We stood, and mom hugged me, then kissed me on the forehead. I walked out of the kitchen, completely embarrassed, but also feeling as if the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. Mackenzie turned off the TV, which I was sure he hadn’t been watching, and followed me to our room. “Whoa! How did Mom find out you’re a homo?” he asked. “She walked out the front door just as Orlando and I were kissing.” “Dumb ass.” “Yeah, well, it worked out for the best.” “I’m glad Mom is cool with it,” said Mackenzie. “Thanks,” I said. “You know, you’re a pretty cool little brother sometimes.” “Don’t go all gay on me.” “But most of the time you’re still a brat.” “That’s better!” said Mackenzie and laughed. I didn’t see Dad until later that night. He didn’t say anything about me being gay, but he gave both Mackenzie and me a big hug and told us both he loved us. He handed me a bag from the drug store. “Let me know when you need more,” said Dad. “I hope you won’t be using these any time soon, but when you need more, come to me and I’ll get them for you, no questions asked.” Dad left the room and Mackenzie started to open his mouth. “Don’t say it!” I told him. “Aww, but I had a good one. It’s okay, I’ll save it for later.” He laughed evilly. “Crap! I forgot to call Orlando!” “Say ‘hi’ to lover boy for me,” said Mackenzie as I rushed out of the room. I pretended not to hear. Little brothers should be seen and not heard.

Cedi I ran straight from school to Thad’s house. As soon as he opened the door I rushed inside, grabbed him, and kissed him. “Whoa, calm down, Cedi. Is sex all you think about?” “No, I think about music, sex, and food! Want to take me out to dinner?” Thad smiled and shook his head. “You are mildly amusing at times, but most annoying at others. I’ll take you out to dinner, but it’s a little early.” “Then let’s have sex first! You can tie me to the bed and…” “Let’s go for a walk,” said Thad. It wasn’t what I wanted, but at least he wasn’t telling me to go away. We headed back outside and walked down the sidewalk with no particular destination in mind. “So who was that boy with you at the farmhouse: Josiah?” I’d been dying to ask the question, but I tried to make my question sound casual. I don’t think Thad bought it. “Just an acquaintance I met in my travels. He was in town so he stopped by.” “So you guys have never…” “Not everything is about sex, Cedi.” “Yeah, I know.” I felt like jumping up and down for joy. Since Thad and I had slept together, I was reasonably sure he wasn’t getting it on with Josiah, but it was good to hear him say it. “Hey! I read one of your books. It was cool. Your vampires aren’t anything like those in the Anne Rice books.” “What would be the point of that?” asked Thad. “The world already has an Anne Rice. It doesn’t need another.”

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“I mean it as a compliment. You’re original. I like her books, but I think it’s cool that a vampire could feed off of someone’s energy, instead of their blood. Where did you get that idea?” “I interviewed a vampire. I was going to use that as the title of my first book, but Anne beat me to it.” “No really. How did you come up with that?” “Who says I’m kidding?” said Thad. “Yeah, right, you talked with a real vampire. You know they don’t exist.” “If you say so.” “Okay, if you won’t tell me that, answer this: Why didn’t you like my lyrics?” “This again? I thought we discussed this. You wrote a love song when you know nothing about love; that’s what’s wrong with your lyrics. You writing a love song is like me trying to write a novel filled with espionage and world politics. It’s just not going to work.” “So teach me about love.” “Love can’t be taught. It must be experienced.” “Then let me experience it, with you.” “You don’t love me,” said Thad. “Of course, I love you! You even said yourself that I was in love with you.” “I said you were infatuated with me. It’s not the same thing. You aren’t in love. You’re in lust.” “Can’t I want you and love you, too?” “Yes, but you don’t.” “How do you know what I feel?” I yelled. I was getting cross. “I used to be you.” “Huh?” Thad actually smiled for a moment. His smiles were quite rare, but when I witnessed one I just about melted. “So how many guys have you dated?” I asked. “Who says I have?” “Well, we had sex!” “Yes, I remember.” “Well? You can’t possibly be a virgin, so you must’ve dated someone.” “I never said I didn’t.” “So you’ve just dated girls or what?” “I don’t like talking about my past.” “But I want to get to know you! I want to know everything about you!”

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“You’ve developed a crush on the wrong person then. I don’t like talking about myself or my past.” “Why? Did you kill someone or something?” “If I did, do you think I’d answer that question?” I yelled in frustration. “You drive me crazy!” “You talk too much.” I tried being silent for a while. It was rather pleasant walking with Thad at my side. He was so tall that I had to practically run to keep up, but I didn’t mind that in the least. I took a deep breath. Summer was drawing to a close but was not yet gone. There was just a hint of autumn in the air, but it was still fine and hot. In England it would’ve already been chilly by this time of year, or even cold. Even the warmest months of summer in Lincolnshire rarely got as warm as this. Blackford was a beautiful little town. I thought of it as a really big park. There were lots of trees everywhere and benches to sit on. The town park almost seemed redundant. The town was painfully quiet and obviously needed someone like me to add a bit of excitement. I was willing to bet that nothing the least bit exciting had ever happened here. “Can I stay with you tonight?” I asked. “Won’t your parents care?” “I live with my aunt, and she won’t care. She’s totally cool about stuff like that. I can come and go as I please.” “Why do you want to spend the night?” “I want to sleep with you, and I don’t just mean sex. Yeah, I want sex, but I also just want to sleep beside you.” Thad didn’t look thrilled with the idea. “Please,” I begged, turning on my puppy-dog charm. “This probably displays a serious lack of judgment on my part, but okay.” “Yes!” I ran up the sidewalk and began dancing. Thad practically ignored me. Later, I sat across from Thad in a booth in Café Blackford. Both of us had thick, triple-cheeseburgers with the works. Thad had a Caesar salad with his. I ordered fries. Thad was as reserved as ever, but he enjoyed my company. I could tell. He liked me even though he wouldn’t admit it. As we ate I thought about what was going to happen later that evening. Thad and I were going to have sex. He’d probably resist the idea, but I’d seduce him one way or another. Thad was quiet, reserved, stern, and strong, but I’d bend him to my will. He was a guy after all, and guys needed sex. I’d get him

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going. There was no doubt about that, and when I did, we’d go at it like wild animals. I grinned. “What are you smiling about?” asked Thad, suspiciously. “You look devious.” “I am devious, and I think you like it.” “Don’t overestimate your importance in my life.” “Go ahead, deny it, but you like me.” “As I said before, I find you mildly amusing. You make a nice break from my work.” Yeah, right, I thought, when we get home I’m going to wrap you around my little finger, then we’ll tear the sheets up. “Let’s go to Phantom World tomorrow,” I said. “I haven’t been yet. You can take me.” “You’re not shy, are you? That’s not a bad idea, though. I enjoy amusement parks, but it’s not much fun going alone.” “I hear they have a couple of wicked roller coasters.” The remainder of our meal passed pleasantly. I mostly talked to Thad about his novel. He was quite open to conversation about his work. His novels were his life. That I could understand, for my music was my life. Everything else—school, friends, even sex—was unimportant compared to my music. Thad and I were both artists, so in one area at least we understood each other. We walked back to Thad’s, then I made a quick trip home to grab my backpack, some clothes, my toothbrush, a few CDs, my teddy bear, and a few other things. “Are you moving in?” asked Thad as I walked in the front door, loaded down with my stuff. “Do you want me to?” I asked, grinning. “Don’t push it,” he said. My first attempt at seduction was unsuccessful. When I closed in on Thad and pressed my lips to his, he kissed me lightly, but he told me he had some emails that had to be answered before he went to bed. “I’m sure you have some homework or something to do,” he said. “Yes, Daddy. If I don’t finish before bedtime are you going to spank me?” “I think you’d enjoy that too much.” He left me standing in his living room and went to his office. I used the opportunity to set out some of my things, then I actually did sit down on the couch and do some homework. I usually put it off, but I hoped to be busy with Thad all weekend.

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It wasn’t easy to concentrate knowing that Thad was only a few feet away. I wanted to pounce on him. I thought it wise to wait until later. Besides, the waiting would only make it better. My sense of need would be at a fever pitch by then. An hour later Thad was still working. I peeked into his study to see him busily typing away, the screen casting a blue glow upon his face. He was wearing wire-rimmed glasses than made him look sexier than ever. I slipped away and went upstairs to shower. A hot, steamy shower did nothing to calm me. In fact, I had to fight the urge to stroke and toss off while the hot water beat down upon me. I wasn’t about to waste my arousal, however, not when the sexiest guy ever was downstairs. I dried off and wrapped the towel around my waist. I couldn’t wait anymore. I had to have him—now. I walked downstairs, the hardwood floors feeling cool on my bare feet. Thad was still typing away but I quietly entered, walked around behind him, and began to massage his shoulders. Thad had nicely muscled shoulders. He had nicely muscled everything. A glance across the room at his weight machine explained why. Thad wasn’t one of those over-bulky, body-building freaks. He was just firm and sexy with bulges in all the right places. The first time I saw him without a shirt I was surprised he was so well built. I’d expected him to be slim with no real muscle at all. I guess his muscled forearms should’ve tipped me off, but I hadn’t caught on. I leaned down and nuzzled Thad’s neck, then began to kiss it. I chewed on his earlobe, and soon after that he turned off his computer. When he rose out of his chair I wasted no time in embracing him. Thad leaned down and kissed me. Yeah, I had him. He was mine. I unbuttoned his shirt and pushed it off his shoulders. I wanted to lick him all over, and that’s just what I did. Thad was always sexy, but the combination of his taut body and wire-rimmed glasses just drove me crazy. I don’t know what it was about his glasses that got to me. Maybe it was the contrast between his studious look and his athletic, lean body. I was younger than Thad, but I was the aggressor. I acted and he reacted. If he’d taken control I would’ve been into that, too, but I liked being the dominant partner. We stood in Thad’s office, making out, feeling, fondling, and licking for the longest time. Then, I took Thad’s hand and led him upstairs to his bedroom. Once there I stripped him naked, except for his glasses, and let my towel fall to the floor. I was all over him from that point on, and, as I knew he would, Thad

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came alive with passion. He explored my body with every bit as much enthusiasm as I did his. He was an incredible lover, concerned as much with my pleasure as his own. I’m extra bold when I’m turned on. I asked Thad where he kept his condoms, and he pointed to a dresser drawer. We hadn’t discussed preferences, but Thad didn’t object when I slid the condom on and guided him onto his stomach. I climbed upon him, and from that moment on we were completely lost in the act of lovemaking. It was late when we finished, twice I might add, and I fell asleep in Thad’s arms. The sex was beyond incredible, and I was filled with contentment as I drifted off to sleep, feeling the heat of Thad’s body and listening to the rhythm of his heart.








I woke Thad up the next morning in a very special way. I knew he wouldn’t stop me when he awakened. No guy has the willpower to stop you when you’re doing that. “You’re quite the little horn dog, aren’t you?” asked Thad when he’d moaned with release. “Like you wouldn’t believe.” “Oh, I’d believe.” I climbed up on Thad and straddled his chest. He got the idea, and I just leaned back and enjoyed it. I was grinning from ear to ear when my moaning and groaning was over. “I’m going to shower,” said Thad, getting up. He walked out of the bedroom naked. He looked every bit as good from behind as he did from the front. I just lay back in bed, replaying the morning in my head. I felt more relaxed and content than I ever had before. I was still lying there when Thad returned and dressed in long khaki shorts and an attractive button-down, short-sleeved shirt. “Get dressed,” he said. “Why? Don’t you like naked boys lying on your bed?” “You’re going to help me cook breakfast, and frying bacon naked is not something I’d recommend.” I jumped up. “Okay, lemme grab a shower, then I’ll dress and be right down.”

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I ran down the hall to the bathroom and climbed into the shower. I was so excited I could hardly contain myself. I loved amusement parks, and I was going to spend the whole day in Phantom World with Thad! Our night together had been incredible, and I’m not just talking about the sex. Yeah, the sex was mind-blowing, but there was something more there. With Thad it was special. I could count the guys I’d had sex with on one hand, but not one of them measured up to Thad. I don’t mean expertise, although he was far more talented in bed than the others. My other sexual experiences had been just sex and nothing more. There was a lot more to what I had with Thad. In fact, I was kind of amazed that I enjoyed sleeping beside him as much as having sex with him. Our walk together, dinner, everything was wonderful, not just the sex. I had every intention of seducing Thad again later in the day, but that was just a part of us and not the whole. I was just as excited about spending the day with him at Phantom World as I was about the possibility of getting naked with him again. I rinsed off, got out of the shower, and dried myself off with a towel. I returned to the bedroom and dressed in black Umbros and a white tank top. The cool thing about a tank top is that wearing one makes just about anyone look better built. I wasn’t all obsessed over my body like some guys, but I wanted Thad to want me. I guess I didn’t need to worry about that after what had happened last night and this morning, but still, I wanted to look good for him. I ran downstairs to find Thad standing in front of the range. “So you write and cook?” “I live alone, so it’s either cook or exist on cereal.” “I like cereal!” “So do I, but I don’t want to eat it for every meal.” “What are you making?” “Scrambled eggs.” “Those don’t look like any scrambled eggs I’ve ever seen. There are green things in them.” “Hmm, maybe I should refrigerate the eggs from now on,” said Thad. “What?” I yelled. “I’m kidding. You are just too easy, Cedi.” “Only for you.” “The green things are bell peppers. There are also onions, chives, mushrooms, oregano, and just before the end I’ll add cheese.” “Smells good,” I said. “What can I do?” “Fry the bacon. Can you handle that?”

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“Just watch me.” “Uh-huh.” Thad pointed to a skillet on the range. I turned on the burner, then stepped to the refrigerator for bacon. In no time at all I had it frying away. The grease popped, and I jumped back. “There’s one example of why cooking naked is a bad idea,” said Thad. “Yeah, but I can think of plenty of things I like to do naked.” “You just never get enough, do you?” “Hey, I’m eighteen, give me a break!” “I thought I gave you one this morning before we got out of bed.” “That wasn’t a break, that was a blow…” “I was there. I remember.” I grinned evilly. “I can’t wait to get to Phantom World! What do you like to ride?” “I haven’t had the chance to go yet, so I want to ride everything, especially the Poltergeist.” “Yes!” I said. “I love roller coasters. I’m kind of surprised you do.” “And why’s that?” “I dunno. You’re just so reserved and quiet. You’re a writer. I figured you’d be afraid.” “Everyone is reserved and quiet compared to you,” said Thad. “I think you’ll find there isn’t much I fear.” “So does that mean you’re ready to officially become my boyfriend?” “I didn’t say that.” “But…you said you’d be mine.” “I let you stay here last night, didn’t I? We’re spending the day together, aren’t we?” “Yes, but I want…” “Don’t be so immature,” said Thad. He looked at me and frowned. “Look who I’m talking to. Damn, you’re just a kid.” “Shut up! I’m young, so what? That doesn’t mean I don’t know what I want or what I feel!” “Why do you always have to fly off the handle? You’re too dramatic.” “That’s because I love you, okay?” “You can’t possibly know something like that so quickly.” “Yes, I can and I do! And don’t you pretend you don’t feel something for me, too, because I know you do!”

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Thad stopped stirring the eggs for a moment and gazed into my eyes. “I feel something for you, but I don’t know what it is yet. I’m going to tell you something right now; I don’t say things like I love you lightly. I have to feel, really feel it, before I say it and right now I’m not even close.” “Is it that you don’t feel it, or that you’re afraid to feel it?” “We’ve talked about this enough for now: enough, period.” “But…” “Listen,” said Thad, sounding angry. “This is me. I don’t discuss my feelings. I’m not looking for a boyfriend. We have what we have—nothing more and nothing less. If you want to accept that and go on, fine. If you don’t, then leave right now.” I felt like I’d been struck in the face. I wanted him to tell me he loved me. I wanted him to take me in his arms and tell me I was the one he’d been looking for all his life. I guess real life didn’t work out that way. For about two seconds I seriously thought about just walking out, but did I really want to give up what I had with Thad? Whatever it was, I had something. Maybe I was just being stupid. Did I really want some kind of fairy-tale romance? I thought about the day we had planned and the fun I’d had with Thad already. I thought about the sex. No, I wasn’t about to throw all that away. I wasn’t going to let Thad get away from me that easily. I’d play on his terms for now, then maybe someday I’d get him to say those three important little words—I love you. I wasn’t finished with Mr. Thad T. Thomas yet. He wasn’t going to know what hit him. “If you’re staying, hand me the cheese out of the refrigerator—the Colby.” I got the cheese and returned my attention to the bacon. There was one thing I could say for Thad: he was honest. He didn’t tell me what he thought I wanted to hear, but gave me the brutal truth. He could’ve been more compassionate in his delivery, but at least I knew where I stood with him. I had firm ground to stand upon while I worked on solving the mystery that was Thad T. Thomas. I’m sure a lot of people would have thought Thad was taking advantage of me if they knew we slept together. After all, he was thirty and I was eighteen and still in high school. If they only knew how hard it was for me to get Thad in bed, perhaps they would understand! I’d never had to work so hard to get anyone in the sack before. Thad was worth the wait and the effort, though, without a doubt. We worked quietly in the kitchen. I was thinking my own thoughts and Thad…well, Thad was usually quiet. In just a few minutes our breakfast was prepared, and we sat down together at an old kitchen table.

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“I think you should create a new character called Cedi,” I said. “Maybe he could start out as this really cute rock star and…” “Cute, huh?” “Yeah, you know I’m cute, so don’t pretend.” “Your modesty astonishes me,” said Thad with a slight grin. I liked seeing him grin. It made me feel secure. “Anyway, maybe he could become a vampire at some point and go all evil, or he could still be fighting on the side of good for some reason.” “I’ll keep that in mind.” “I don’t understand something about your books. I mean, it’s kind of cool they’re different from the others out there, but everyone knows you kill a vampire by driving a stake into its heart. You plunge the stake in, then it kinda screams and goes all dusty.” “Great. Another Buffy fan,” said Thad. “What’s wrong with Buffy The Vampire Slayer? She kicks ass!” “I didn’t say there was anything wrong with the show, but I base my books on something a bit more factual.” “Like what?” “Remind me to show you my research library later.” “Don’t take this the wrong way, but why do you think you can go off and write about vampires all different when everyone else writes about them in another way? I mean, everyone pretty much goes in one direction, and you go off all by yourself in another.” “You said yourself you like my books because they’re different. I told you before that I didn’t want to write Anne-Rice-type books, because the world already has Anne Rice, and who could improve on the original? I think you of all people would understand the desire to be different, not like the rest of the crowd.” “Well, I guess you know what you’re doing.” “Thank you for your vote of confidence. How do you like the eggs?” “They’re awesome! How do you like the bacon?” “Perfection,” said Thad. I grinned. After breakfast I helped Thad put things away. “Whoa!” I said when I opened the doors of a big old cupboard. “There must be two dozen different kinds of cereal here! I thought you said you cooked?” “I do, at times, but not often. It’s neither enjoyable nor efficient to cook for one.” “Maybe you need a roommate,” I said.

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Thad rolled his eyes, but at least he didn’t say ‘no.’ “So, can I see this research library of yours before we go?” “Why not?” Thad led me upstairs and into what once must’ve been a bedroom, but now housed shelf after shelf of books. They were everywhere, hundreds of them, and most of them looked old. “All these are on vampires?” I asked. “Most of them. Others cover related areas—demons, curses, witchcraft, et cetera.” “Whoa, you’re just like Giles, only younger and cuter!” “You watch way too much TV,” said Thad. “Or maybe you don’t watch enough. You definitely need more fun in your life, but I’m here to rescue you!” I raced across the room and jumped on Thad, wrapping my arms and legs around him. I planted a big kiss on his lips. He kissed me back, then set me down on the floor. “Eddie says there are rumors that you actually are a vampire.” “Maybe I am.” “He said to watch out because someday you’ll bite my neck.” “Hmm, I think you know too much already,” said Thad. “What do you mean?” “I was going to have some fun with you before the end, but your friend Eddie has ruined that. You shouldn’t have told me, Cedi.” “Wha-what’d-ya mean?” I stammered as Thad closed in on me. “You’re scaring me.” I backed away from Thad as he advanced. Before I knew it, he had me pressed up against the wall. “Thad!” “What’s wrong, Cedi, don’t you want to live forever?” Thad lowered his face to my neck. “Noooooooooo!” “Do you know what, Cedi?” asked Thad in a throaty whisper. “What?” I asked, my heart pounding furiously in my chest. “You’re far too gullible.” Thad raised his face, kissed me quickly on the lips, then stepped back. “That was not funny,” I said. “It was to me,” said Thad, smiling. “I didn’t really think you were a vampire anyway.”

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“Then why were you scared?” “I was just acting!” “Sure you were.” “I was! I know you’re not a vampire. I’ve seen your reflection in a mirror! I wasn’t afraid!” “Yeah, right. You were about to wet your pants.” “In your dreams!” “Uh-huh. Are you ready to leave for Phantom World? We need to do something with your excess energy.” “I know another way to put that to use!” “I know you do. Down boy. Let’s go.” I followed Thad out to the garage. We entered through a side door. “Holy crap! You have a Viper? I thought you drove a pickup.” “Your grasp of the obvious is amazing. The pickup is for hauling things. Get in.” I sat down on the black leather seat as Thad pressed the garage-door opener and turned the key in the ignition. I could feel the power of the engine even as it idled. “Can I drive it sometime?” “In your dreams,” said Thad, throwing my own words back at me. He wheeled out into the street and took off. He wasn’t going all that fast, but the top was down, and the wind rushed through my hair. When we hit the edge of town, Thad accelerated, and we tore down the road, dust flying behind us. I threw my hands into the air and yelled. Thad wheeled into the parking lot of Phantom World minutes later. As excited as I was about going in, I didn’t want to get out of the car—it was just too cool. But then I spotted Josh Lucas. It was perfect. Josh stared at me as I climbed out of the sleek sports car. I bet he was wondering what I was doing in a Viper with a good-looking older guy. Tongues would be wagging on Monday morning at school, but I didn’t care. I wanted the whole world to know about the man in my life. Thad wasn’t pleased when he saw Josh staring at us, though. “Who was that?” he asked as we walked away. “A guy from school.” “Listen, I’ve never been one to care much about what others think, but I want you to keep what’s between us as just between us. People are going to see us together, but there’s no need for anyone to know we’re more than friends.” “If you don’t care what other people think, then what does it matter?”

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“I’m a public person, Cedi. I don’t like it, but it’s not as if I have a choice in the matter. People know who I am. They watch what I do and who I’m with. I try very hard to keep my private life private, but it’s not easy. The task will be that much harder if you start talking about us.” “If you don’t want to be a public person, then why put your photo on the back of your books?” “Good question. That was the publisher’s decision. They seemed to think it would help sell books.” “You are quite handsome.” “Shut up.” Thad bought us tickets, and we went inside. Just on the other side of the main entrance was a spooky graveyard with moss-covered tombstones and ancient-looking mausoleums. There was creepy music playing in the background, and even though it was a warm and bright Saturday morning, a chill went up my spine. A steam whistle drowned out the music for a few moments, and a brightred locomotive chugged toward us. As we walked under the trestle it passed directly overhead. I couldn’t contain myself. I was jumping with excitement. “Perhaps I should have brought a leash for you,” said Thad. “Kinky! Do you have one at home? And a collar?” Thad exhaled sharply and shook his head in disbelief. “So what would you like to do first?” I asked. “Let’s hit the roller coasters before it gets too crowded. Which one do you want to ride first?” “The Twister. I want to work my way up to The Poltergeist.” “Afraid?” asked Thad. “Me? Never! Come on, let’s go.” I pulled Thad down the path toward The Twister. The entrance was some twenty feet in the air and we climbed up a gently sloped wooden pathway to reach it. There wasn’t much of a line yet, but we had a little time to check out the coaster before our turn came. It was a steel coaster with a couple of loops where the car went upside down, and it had a wicked looking 360-degree turn. I could see a corkscrew from where we were standing, too. The Twister wasn’t as big as The Poltergeist, but then The Poltergeist was the largest wooden roller coaster in the entire world. What stood before us was the equal of just about any coaster in the U.S. Before long Thad and I climbed in, and a young attendant made sure we were strapped in properly. I experienced a sense of nervous anticipation as we

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waited for everyone to be secured. Slowly the car moved out, made a sharp right turn and clicked its way up a long incline. The car made another sharp right just before careering nearly straight down, accelerating from zero to what seemed like a hundred miles per hour in only a few seconds. We went straight into a loop, and I found myself upside down for a fraction of a second. I raised my hands in the air and squealed with delight. My heart pounded furiously as I was shoved back into my seat by sheer force and speed. I looked to my side to find Thad watching me. He appeared amused at my reaction to the ride. I screamed, yelled, and squealed. It was wicked! When the ride ended I felt slightly dizzy and just a bit nauseated, too. Perhaps I shouldn’t have eaten so much breakfast. “Maybe we should ride something else before The Poltergeist,” I suggested. The Phantom World Railroad was close by, so we headed for it next. “What do you think of Phantom World so far?” I asked. “It’s a lot bigger than it used to be. I came here as a kid.” “You said you’d never been here.” “I said I’d never been to Phantom World. When I was a kid, this place was called Mystic Gardens. It closed down a few years ago and came close to being demolished.” “Yeah, and then Phantom bought it! I saw that on TV.” “Almost none of this was here when I was a kid. There were bumper cars, a Tilt-a-Whirl, and a few other rides, but nothing like what is here now. It was a great park, though,” said Thad as we got into line. “There was a train ride in the old park, too. It wasn’t a real train, but it looked like one. It drove around on a path, past outdoor dioramas.” “That sounds cool, but I think this train ride will be more fun.” “Hey, Cedi.” I did a double-take. I hadn’t noticed Toby standing nearby in his orangeand-black staff shirt. He and some other guy were in charge of the ride. “What’s up?” I asked. “Just working.” “You call this work?” I asked. “Not really, but I pretend so they’ll keep paying me.” Toby’s eyes drifted to Thad, and he checked him out. When Thad wasn’t looking, Toby mouthed “hot” and I wiggled my eyebrows and giggled. “Are Orlando and Krista working today?” I asked.

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“Yep. Krista and I are working the Water Demon just after lunch and I’ll be with Orlando later on the Ghost Pirates raft ride. I’m not sure where they are now.” “Maybe we’ll run into them.” The same red locomotive we’d seen before pulled into the station. It had Frightful Express written on the side in fancy lettering. I’d caught sight of another locomotive across the park, which looked like a twin to the Frightful Express, only it was blue. “See you later,” said Toby as he ushered us onto the train. “Yeah, see ya.” Thad and I climbed on one of the cars, which was open on the sides, but covered on the top. We sat there while everyone else seated themselves; then the engine powered up and chug-chugged. There was a hiss of steam, and we began to move, very slowly at first, but then a bit faster. The train climbed a gradual incline and made its way around the park on a raised trestle. Soon, a big hill loomed into view, and we passed into a narrow tunnel. The bright sunlight disappeared, and Thad and I were in complete darkness for a moment. Then, off to one side and then another, appeared silvery-blue ghosts and skeletons. I jumped at the sight of the first one and grabbed onto Thad. It looked so real. It wasn’t like a sheet thrown over something or anything cheesy like that. I could see right through the ghosts! And they moved! I couldn’t hear anything, because of the noise of the train, but I could just imagine them moaning. Just after the ghosts and off to one side, there were old miners who looked like they were trapped in a mine cave-in. Then, the tunnel got a little wider and we passed what looked like the scene of a train accident. There was a big ghostly locomotive with its passenger cars twisted and turned on their sides. There were ghosts climbing out of the windows and a phantom engineer pulling himself out of the locomotive. Part of it looked solid, but some of it looked kinda transparent, too. I had no idea how they made it look so real, but it was awesome! I blinked rapidly at the sudden brightness of the sunlight as the train rolled out of the dark tunnel. I looked down as we traveled along the raised trestle, passing what I guessed was the Ghost Pirates raft ride on the right and a water roller coaster on the left. Then, we went through a covered “bridge,” and the steam from the engine wafted down around the cars. We passed into another tunnel, and, once again, creepy things were inside. About halfway through, I looked ahead and was terrified to see the tunnel collapsing, huge boulders falling around and nearly onto the Frightful Express. My heart lurched in my

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chest and my pulse raced, but I realized almost immediately that it was just a part of the ride. How awesome is that? My pulse slowly returned to normal as the train chugged along into the sunlight once more. We had a good view of much of the park and passed several rides, food booths, walkways, and countless beds of flowers. Phantom World was truly vast. We entered a third tunnel, which went right under part of The Poltergeist. Inside this tunnel, giant spiders sat on webs, and some even lunged for the cars or came down nearly on top of the train on thick, sticky-looking strands. I screamed and wrapped my arms around Thad when a huge amount of what looked like steam shot right through the car we were riding in. There was a roar, and I jerked my head to see a vast, green-golden dragon spouting flames toward the train. It looked wicked real! We came out of the tunnel and slowly climbed a steep incline near the lake that was located beneath and behind The Poltergeist. The track took a sharp turn and passed by some bumper cars. The train reached the entrance to the park, then went down a sharp incline where the train traveled faster than ever and then pulled back into the station. “That was wicked!” I said. Thad and I had a blast. We spent the entire day at the park. We rode most of the rides, ate pizza, cotton candy, funnel cake, and mint-chocolate-chip ice cream. We spent a lot of time just wandering around the park. A couple of dozen times or so someone stopped Thad and asked for his autograph, which I thought was really cool. I wanted to be famous someday. Thad was really nice when someone stopped him, a lot nicer than he was to me most of the time. I bet he was glad that most people didn’t recognize him, though. It was growing dark by the time we left Phantom World. Thad seemed quieter than usual, as if lost in his own little world. When we got home, I followed Thad as he walked to his bedroom. He pulled his shoes off as he sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed his feet. He turned his dark eyes upon me, and suddenly I was afraid, not of anything he might do, but of what he might say. I feared he’d tell me to leave. I took his face in my hands and kissed him. I kept right on kissing him so he wouldn’t have a chance to speak. Soon, we were rolling around on Thad’s bed, pulling our clothes off. Thad was intense in bed, not wild, but focused and forceful. I was the wild one, and surprisingly I was the dominant one when we had sex. It was exactly the opposite of what I’d expected, but I liked it. Thad let me lead him, and he submitted to my desires. My desires were not selfish. I cared as much about his pleasure as my own. Making him moan and writhe with ecstasy made me feel

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powerful and sexy. Thad was the one in control at all other times, but when we made love he belonged to me. It had always amazed me that one guy could make another feel so incredible. The simple act of being touched by another was intensely pleasurable. Each caress sent a wave of pleasure through me. Sex with Thad was just too hot! When I pulled Thad’s legs over my shoulders and entered him, the pleasure was so exquisite I was sure I’d last only seconds. I’d actually feared for a moment that I’d lose control putting on the condom. I tamed my own body, however, and stared into Thad’s eyes as we intimately shared our bodies. I held out for five minutes, then ten before I couldn’t hold back any longer. I exploded with a loud moan and fell upon Thad panting. I didn’t ask if I could spend the night again. I just curled up in Thad’s arms. We were both exhausted and were soon fast asleep.

A month later… Wednesday, October 15, 2003

Toby Dress rehearsal was upon us, and the following evening we would give the first of three performances of Peter Pan. I knew I was as ready as I’d ever be. I knew the lines, had memorized my entrances and exits, and I’d learned to fly (with the help of a harness and some wires). The flying effect looked rather good. Sure, it didn’t match up with the special effects in a Hollywood film, but no one was expecting that in a high-school play. Orlando had Captain Hook down pat. I was so proud of him. We’d practiced together for hours and hours, with frequent and long breaks for making out and other related activities. Krista was a fabulous Aunt Millicent. The whole cast was ready. They’d better be, for there was little we could do with only twenty-four hours until our first performance. I caught sight of Orlando standing alone off to the side of the stage, wearing his red, crushed-velvet jacket and ruffled shirt. I made my way over to him. “You look magnificent!” I said. I leaned in close and whispered, “I want to make out with you right now so bad.” “Mmmm, I’d like that, but you’d better not get yourself excited or everyone is going to know about it.” He was talking about my tights. My costume wasn’t nearly as fancy as Orlando’s—just the tights, a sleeveless vest, and a loincloth-type deal. I was glad for the loincloth because the tights left little to the imagination, even with briefs under them. Some of the girls giggled at me as they walked past. “Nice tights,” said Trey Tully as he joined us, wearing a bandana on his head and a patch over one eye. “I thought you were Peter Pan, not Tinkerbell.” “Are you trying to be funny again?” I asked. “Or are you just wishing you had a pair of tights?” “Screw you, Riester,” said Trey, grinning.

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I didn’t know Trey real well, but he was actually pretty cool. He was one of the pirates I got to run through with a sword during the play. We had only a minute to talk with him before practice began. Unlike most of our previous practices, Mrs. Jelen had us take it from the top and work all the way to the end, with only minor pauses for last-minute advice and corrections. I was accustomed to acting with the other cast members, but the costumes made the whole play come alive. Suddenly we weren’t just acting, we became the characters. I always felt as if I was Peter Pan upon the stage, but now I was surrounded by real pirates and lost boys. Orlando was quite menacing as Captain Hook, but of course I, as Peter Pan, did not fear him. There were a few minor mishaps during practice, but nothing major. I landed a bit wrong as I flew down from the mast of the ship and nearly tumbled onto my face. I managed to keep from falling, but I made a rather clumsy Peter Pan. I hoped I wouldn’t make the same mistake during a performance or the audience would be laughing. Some of the pirates laughed at me for a moment before they got themselves under control. I just went on as if nothing had happened, the same as I would have done if it were an actual performance. Slips aren’t nearly as bad or noticeable if one just keeps on going. I wasn’t the only one who messed up. There were a few garbled lines and a tumble or two, but, all in all, things went smoothly. The sword battle near the end of the play, just before Hook is devoured by the crocodile, was a strenuous one, and I was panting when it was over. I was almost sad when we reached the end, but not too gloomy, because I had the performances to anticipate. The next time I stepped upon the stage would be in front of an audience of hundreds. “You were great!” I told Orlando when we’d finished. “I just know I’m going to puke right on the stage tomorrow,” he said. “Well if you do, nail one of the lost boys, and we’ll pretend it was part of the play.” “Not on this lost boy!” said a passing cast member. Orlando laughed. “You’ll be fine. Once we start, you’ll become Captain Hook.” “Maybe I shall change the tale and take you down, Peter Pan!” said Orlando, brandishing his hook. “That you will not, for Peter Pan cannot be defeated!” Some of the cast members rolled their eyes, but they were used to Orlando and me playing in character. Orlando and I lingered upon the stage. When the others had departed, I pulled him behind the curtains and gave him a big, sloppy kiss. There was

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something especially hot about kissing him while we were both in costume. It was probably the first time Peter Pan ever made out with Captain Hook. “You probably shouldn’t do that during the play,” said Orlando. “I don’t think anyone would buy us as enemies after a kiss like that.” I smiled and kissed him again. “Orlando?” called Mrs. Jelen. We both froze in mid-tongue action. We looked at each other in fear and then left our hiding place. Mrs. Jelen didn’t seem suspicious, but it was a close one. “Orlando, we need to do something with your coat. Can you stay for just a few minutes so I can pin it up for a minor alteration?” “Of course, Mrs. Jelen.” “I guess I’ll see you later,” I said. “Meet me at Café Blackford in an hour,” said Orlando. “Will do.” It took me only a few minutes to undress, leaving me with most of an hour to kill. I walked out into the cool fall air, the sun already setting even though it was early. I didn’t know where the summer had gone. It seemed that one moment the air was filled with the scent of tanning lotion and hot asphalt and the next it was replaced by the scent of falling leaves. I ambled around town, checking out jack-o’-lanterns on porches, fake ghosts in windows, and real bats diving after insects in the sky above. There was a definite sense of spooky in the air. I looked forward to curling up with a book of “true” ghost stories later that night, a perfect way to spend an evening near Halloween. I could think of only one way the time could be better spent—in Orlando’s arms. A car paced me for a couple of blocks, then stopped beside me. The hair on the back of my neck stood on end as the door opened. Kerry stepped out. “It’s worse than I thought,” I said, turning to look at him. “Worse than you thought?” “I thought perhaps you were a basher or murderer or something.” Kerry grinned. “My only interest is in pleasure, not pain.” “Uh-huh.” “You need a lift somewhere?” “No.” “Come on, I’ll drive you wherever you want.” “Not interested,” I said. “You really don’t like me, do you?” asked Kerry.

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“Wow, you must be psychic.” “Give me a chance, Toby; I’m a lot of fun.” “I’m not interested in your kind of fun.” Kerry stepped toward me until he was only a foot away. He was very attractive with his blond hair and taut body. Had I not known him for what he was, I would have been tempted by him—if I didn’t have a boyfriend, that is. Kerry possessed charm and was definitely sexy, but I wanted nothing to do with him. Kerry put his hand on my shoulder, but I jerked away from him. He grabbed me and shoved me against his car, pinning me against it with his body. “Come on, Toby, come with me. I’ll show you some real fun.” He leaned in toward me, trying to kiss me, but I turned my head away. “Get off me!” “Mmm, I love it when they struggle,” he said. Kerry ran his hand down my chest and groped me. I was filled with terror, but I tried not to let it show. I struggled against him, trying to push him off me by shoving on his chest. I couldn’t budge him. “Is that how you get what you want, rape?” “I would never rape you, Toby,” he said as his hands ran over my body. “Then get off me!” I was somewhat surprised, but definitely relieved, when Kerry backed off. “Come on, Toby, I just want to show you a good time.” “You only want me because you know you can’t have me!” I told him. “If I wasn’t Orlando’s boyfriend, you wouldn’t give me a second look.” “You don’t know what you’re missing.” “I’ll survive, I’m sure.” Kerry gave me a wicked-looking smile. “You’ll change your mind. You act like you aren’t interested, but I know you are. You’re dying to get naked with me. I’ve met plenty of guys like you. They protest, but they want it. They all come to me in the end.” Kerry climbed back in his car and drove away. “What an ego,” I said to his receding taillights.








“He what?” yelled Orlando, scowling, some minutes later as I sat across the booth from him in Café Blackford. “Quiet down, will you?” I asked as I looked around to see if anyone was listening. A few heads had turned in our direction, but no one was near enough

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to hear—if Orlando didn’t yell again that is. “He didn’t hurt me. I thought he was going to, but he backed off.” “He’s gone too far this time. No one touches my boyfriend like that and gets away with it.” “Orlando, just let it go, okay? I shouldn’t have told you.” “Yes, you should have, and I’m not letting it go. Kerry thinks he can just do anything he wants to anyone he wants.” “I don’t want to see you get hurt. If you go out after him all angry, there’ll probably be a fight, and well…he is stronger than you.” “I don’t care!” “I do. I don’t want you getting hurt just because Kerry was being a jerk.” Orlando was smoldering. He hardly said another word while we ate. He walked me home after, but he barely spoke even then. When he kissed me at the door, he seemed distant. I wanted to ask him again not to seek out Kerry, but I knew he wouldn’t even have heard my words.








To say I was much relieved when I spotted Orlando the next day at school is a vast understatement. I nearly jumped for joy at the sight of him. Even his blackened right eye didn’t lessen my joy at seeing him alive and mostly well. I’d tossed and turned all night worrying about him. When I did drift off, I dreamed about Orlando confronting Kerry. In my dream Kerry beat him nearly senseless as I looked on, powerless to help. When I’d awakened in the morning, fear surrounded me like a mist. I had an unshakable feeling that something very, very horrible had happened. The feeling was so powerful, so overwhelming, that I even feared my boyfriend might be dead. I walked toward Orlando smiling, but even before I reached him, the sense of doom that had plagued me returned with renewed force. A veil of fear fell upon me. Orlando was clearly okay, so why did I have such a powerful feeling of impending disaster? When I approached Orlando he looked me in the eyes for only a fraction of a second before looking away again. Something was wrong. I opened my mouth to speak, but the bell rang, and Orlando scurried away without so much as a backward glance. I was left standing in the rapidly emptying hallway pondering the possibilities. I felt cold. I also felt a weird sense of déjà vu. This was far too much like the last time Orlando had confronted

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Kerry, only this time the outcome was worse. Orlando had a bruised face, and I feared that was only the tip of the iceberg. My path crossed that of Kerry between second and third period, and our brief contact did nothing to put me at ease. He barely paused as we walked past each other, but his smug, superior grin made my heart race with fear. I couldn’t speak freely at lunch, so I had to just sit by Orlando and wonder what was up. He fidgeted and squirmed in his seat as if he was supremely uncomfortable. Perhaps it was just jitters over our upcoming performance, but why wouldn’t my boyfriend look me in the eyes? I finally cornered Orlando after school. We had four hours before our curtain call, plenty of time to talk alone. We left the school and walked toward the baseball fields. “You want to tell me what’s going on?” I asked as soon as we were out of earshot. Orlando began to cry. More than that, he began to sob. “Orlando, tell me! What’s wrong?” He rubbed the tears out of his eyes as we continued to walk. Only when we were standing on the nearest baseball diamond did he stop and turn to me. “I don’t think we should see each other any more,” he said. I stood completely still. These were not the words I expected. I don’t know what I thought he was going to say, but it wasn’t anything like this. The rising panic I’d felt all day engulfed me. My mouth dropped open, and for a few seconds I could say nothing. “But…why…we…” Tears welled up quickly in my eyes and came spilling out. My heart felt like it was broken. “Because you deserve someone a lot better than me!” said Orlando angrily and began sobbing anew. “Orlando, I don’t understand. You’re a great boyfriend! I love you!” “I had sex with Kerry last night,” he said. I stumbled back as if he’d slapped me in the face. I was utterly stunned. Had Orlando plunged a dagger into my heart he could not have hurt me worse. I just stood there, crying. “I didn’t mean for it to happen. I went to confront him. I was going to beat him senseless. I took a swing at him. We fought. He punched me in the face. We ended up down on the ground. I kept trying to punch him, but he blocked me. It turned to wrestling and then…” Orlando looked away from me and sobbed.

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“I’m so sorry, Toby. I love you, and I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to go back to Kerry, but…I’m just weak…I don’t know, but I feel like I’m powerless to resist him. When I’m near him, I just can’t…” “But you walked away from him before,” I said through my tears. “And I just went back, didn’t I? You deserve someone better than me, Toby, someone who will be faithful. I can’t do it. I don’t have the strength. I couldn’t stop myself when I was dating Krista, and I couldn’t stop myself last night. I knew it was wrong, but I went right ahead and did it.” “Orlando, we’ll get through this. We’ll talk and…” “No, Toby. I want to talk and work things out and try to be the boyfriend you deserve, but I can’t. I just can’t. I won’t put you through more pain. I love you. I do. But I know I’ll just end up cheating on you again. Kerry, he…I just can’t date you anymore. If we stay together, I’ll only bring you pain, and that’s the last thing I want to do, Toby. I won’t hurt you like I hurt Krista. I won’t! I’m sorry.” Orlando walked away from me, sobbing. I stood there in an utter state of shock, and my tears returned. I don’t know how long I cried. Time had no meaning. The bright fall afternoon blurred through my tears. The crisp cool air seemed suddenly cold. A sense of loneliness fell upon me. Just like that I wasn’t part of us anymore. I was just me, and I felt as if a part of myself was missing. I stood there in disbelief. Kerry had won. He’d taken Orlando away from me, just as he’d taken him away from Krista. When my tears quieted, I walked blindly through the school grounds, stumbling over my own feet. It was as if I was completely unaware of my surroundings. I could’ve been walking in the street for all I knew—or cared. I was devastated. “Toby? Toby, what’s wrong?” I looked up. It was Krista. I’d wandered back to the rear entrance of the school without realizing it. I couldn’t speak. At the sound of Krista’s voice I started sobbing again. I ran to her and hugged her. She held me and petted my hair while sobs racked my body. When I finally stopped howling like an animal in pain, Krista led me away from the school to a bench that looked out over the soccer fields. We sat down; she took my hand and looked into my eyes. “Toby, what’s wrong? What happened?” “Orlando just broke up with me.” My throat tightened, and I felt like I was about to choke on the words.

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“I’m so sorry, Toby. Why?” “He had sex with your brother last night.” “What?” Krista yelled so loud I shrank back from her for a moment. “He had sex with Kerry, then he broke up with you? Don’t you mean you broke up with him?” “No. I wanted to work things out.” “You’re more forgiving than I am,” she said hotly. I explained the whole situation to Krista and told her all about my short, but painful talk with Orlando. “I feel like kicking Orlando’s ass,” said Krista, “yet I don’t. I can’t believe he’d let Kerry seduce him again. I have a truly evil brother.” “I’m worried about Orlando,” I said. “Kerry is no good for him.” “Maybe it’s Kerry’s ass I should kick,” said Krista. “I just wish Orlando would try to work things out with me. I’m willing, but he’s not. What he did hurt me worse than anything, but dammit, I love him! I’m willing to forgive him and move on, but he’s convinced he’ll cheat on me again.” “I’ll say one thing for Orlando. He isn’t just thinking of himself. He cares about you, and he’s doing what he thinks is best for you.” “What about what I think?” I asked loudly. “I don’t want things to end between us! I love him!” “I know, baby. I know it hurts.” “I’m never going to find another boyfriend like Orlando. I don’t even want one. I want him.” “Toby, listen. Orlando was your first boyfriend. When you’re in your very first relationship, it feels as if it will go on forever. Even if you don’t think of the future, it still seems like things will just keep going on and on, just as they are. That’s not the way things work out, though. Maybe there are some couples who meet when they’re sixteen and stay together to the end of their days, but that’s the exception and not the rule. The truth is that you’ll find someone else, Toby, and you probably won’t live happily ever after with him either. You’ll probably have lots of boyfriends. Maybe someday you’ll find ‘the one’ and maybe you won’t.” “I thought I had found ‘the one’.” “I know, baby, that’s how it usually seems your first time. That’s the way it was for me, but I’ve learned that it just isn’t true.” “You know, you’re not really the best at giving pep talks,” I said.

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“I know I could say other things that would make you feel better, but I’d rather tell you something that’s going to be of value to you. I know you’re hurting right now. I wish I could say something to take your pain away, but I can’t. You’re going to go on hurting for a while. Right now, I’m sure it seems like the pain will never stop, but it will lessen day by day. After a time, maybe you’ll spot some boy who’ll make you forget all about Orlando, or maybe you won’t. The point is that things will get better. This feels like the end, but it’s not. Your life will go on, and, even though you may not believe it now, you’ll be happy again.” “I don’t believe it. I just want everything to go back to the way it was yesterday.” “I know, Toby.” “Maybe I can get Orlando to talk to me. Maybe I can convince him we can still work things out.” “Maybe, but it sounds to me as if Orlando has made up his mind. It might be best to just leave it alone for now. Give Orlando some time to work through things. Maybe, if given enough time, he can get over whatever it is he sees in Kerry.” “I’m afraid Kerry will hurt him and hurt him bad.” “It’s very likely.” “Why can’t Orlando see that?” “Maybe he can, but there’s something that draws him to Kerry. Maybe he needs to explore that, get it out of his system.” “Even if Kerry ends up ripping his heart out?” “Yes. Sometimes you just have to let people make their own mistakes. When this thing with Orlando and my brother has played out, maybe then you and Orlando can have a chance of making a go at it. I think Orlando is right in one thing. He’d hurt you if the two of you stayed together. He’d cheat on you with Kerry. He knows that, and that’s why he broke up with you, because he doesn’t want to hurt you. In that, there’s hope. If he cares enough about you to end things to spare you pain, then maybe someday the two of you can get back together. In the meantime, you need to live your life, Toby. As soon as you can, you need to get right back in the saddle. We need to find you a new boy.” “I’m not ready for that. I know that what you’re saying should make sense, and maybe later it will, but right now I just feel overwhelmed. I feel like I’m going to die. I should probably just go home and be alone for a while.” “It will be a few hours before you can do that.” “Why?”

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“Aren’t you forgetting something? The play starts in less than three hours.” “Oh, crap! It totally slipped my mind!” “Do you think you can go on?” “I have to! Everyone has worked so hard. I can’t let them down. I feel like I can’t do it, but I must.” “I’m glad you feel that way because it’s almost time to head for the auditorium. Mrs. Jelen wants everyone there by five, remember?” “Yeah. I wonder if Orlando will show.” “We’re in big trouble if he doesn’t.” Krista gave me a hug. “Thanks,” I said. We walked together to the auditorium. A few of the cast members were already there. My head was so full of pain and sorrow I had no idea how I was going to remember my lines. I felt like the entire script had been erased from my memory. Mrs. Jelen was running about like a chicken with its head cut off. She was seeing to all the last-minute details. I pitched in with the others to help. Having something to do helped me keep my mind off my ruined life. Orlando showed up a little after five, looking uncomfortable and insecure. He looked me in the eyes only once, then quickly lowered his in shame. I didn’t smile when he looked at me. I didn’t give him a reassuring grin. I was hurt, and now that the initial shock had worn off, I was angry, too. He’d cheated on me. He didn’t mean for it to happen, but he’d still done it. He’d had sex with another guy. He’d taken something special between us and cheapened it, at the same time destroying our relationship. Even when I’d offered to try and work things out, he’d refused. Krista saw hope in the fact that he broke up with me because he didn’t want to harm me further, but there was something else there to consider. I wasn’t enough for him. Kerry could give him something I couldn’t. He wanted Kerry more than he wanted me, and that hurt. I didn’t know what would happen when my eyes met Orlando’s during the play. Would I lose it and start crying? Would I scream at him in anger? For weeks I’d looked forward to being Peter Pan. I’d been thrilled that my boyfriend had landed the part of Captain Hook. Now, it was all ruined. I tried to clear my mind as I got into costume. I tried to just forget about Orlando. There would be plenty of time to think about him later. Now, I had to focus. Mrs. Jelen was counting on me, the cast was counting on me, and so was the audience that would fill the seats in less than two hours. My parents were

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coming. Mackenzie was coming. Lots of kids from school would be there, too. I had to do a good job. For the first time ever, I didn’t know if I had it in me. My nervousness increased as the minutes passed. Mrs. Jelen applied my makeup, and then there was nothing to do but wait. With less than an hour before the performance, the auditorium began to fill. Fifteen minutes before we were due to start I peeked out from behind the curtains. “The place is packed,” I said to Krista, who was standing nearby. “Are you okay?” she asked. “I have a whole bunch of butterflies flying around in my stomach, but I always feel that way just before a play is about to begin, so maybe that’s a good thing.” “You’ll do just fine, Toby.” “I hope so.” “Break a leg,” said Krista. “Break two legs, maybe some ribs, and your collar bone.” “Yeah, may you require a body cast, as well,” I said. Krista laughed, and I felt just a little bit better. Orlando and I avoided each other. I think he, like me, was trying to keep his mind on the task at hand. I picked up Peter’s short sword from the prop table and held it in my hands. It was time to get into character. It was time to become Peter Pan. I listened as the audience hushed. Mrs. Jelen made some opening remarks, then the play began. I watched from the wings as Wendy began to narrate the tale. My mind was still empty of lines, choreography, entrances, and exits, but a small mischievous smile crept onto my lips. My adventure was about to begin. Soon I was upon the stage, the lights shining down bright and hot, giggles issuing from the audience at the sight of me in tights. I paid none of that any heed for I was no longer Toby Riester trying to play a part with a broken heart. I was Peter Pan. I sat at the end of Wendy’s bed, lost in my own anguish. “Boy, why are you crying?” asked Wendy. I quickly jumped up and bowed to Wendy. “What’s your name?” I asked. “Wendy Moira Angela Darling. What is your name?” “Peter Pan.” “Where do you live?” “Second star to the right, then straight on till morning.”

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“What a funny address!” “It isn’t!” “I mean, is that what they put on the letters?” “Don’t get any letters.” “But your mother gets letters?” “Don’t have a mother.” “Oh, Peter, no wonder you were crying.” Wendy jumped out of her bed and ran to me. “I wasn’t crying about mothers. I was crying because I can’t get my shadow to stick on. Besides, I wasn’t crying.” “How awful! I could try to sew it on for you.” “What’s sew?” “You’re dreadfully ignorant.” “No, I’m not!” “I shall sew it on for you, but I daresay it will hurt a little.” “Oh, I shan’t cry.” Wendy sewed my shadow to my heel. I grimaced, but true to my word did not cry. As soon as she’d finished, I jumped to my feet and tested to make sure it was firmly attached. I smiled and put my hands on my hips. “How clever I am! Oh, the cleverness of me!” The audience laughed. The play continued, and I did not forget a single line. Although the dialogue seemed to be nowhere in my head, it came to me when it was needed, as if it was not dialogue in a play at all, but my own words. There’s a certain magic that occurs when one steps upon the stage. I wasn’t acting. I was truly Peter Pan. I faltered only once and then only slightly when my eyes first locked on Orlando’s upon the stage. After that brief moment he was no longer my exboyfriend, but Captain James Hook. When we fought at last, a fury that was part Peter’s and part my own filled me. Mrs. Jelen told me later that she’d never seen anyone make a sword fight look so real. I was lost in Neverland until the very end of the play. When the curtain came down I was surprised, as if I’d forgotten that what happened upon that stage was not my real life, but only a fantasy. If only I could have remained in that fantasy, I could have kept my pain at bay. I truly wished I could fly off to the second star to the right, then straight on till morning.

Cedi On Saturday evening, Thad and I stood in his bedroom. He looked so hot I wanted to rip the clothes right off him—again. Anyone who looked as good naked as Thad should be required to run around nude all the time—at least indoors. “Are you ready?” he asked. “Maybe we should just stay here and…” “Haven’t you had enough for one day?” asked Thad. “You know I never get enough.” “I think you’re trying to kill me. Besides, you promised your friends you’d watch their play. Tonight’s the night. There won’t be another chance.” “Yes, Daddy.” Thad crossed his arms and stared me down. “Okay, okay, I’m coming!” It was such a short distance to the school that we walked. I hated missing out on a chance to ride in Thad’s Viper, but it hardly made sense to drive when the school was only a few blocks away. It would’ve probably taken longer to find a parking spot that it would to hike there. Thad and I had been dating for a while, but I still couldn’t figure him out. We had a relationship, but I had no idea what it was. I pretty much lived with him, staying at my aunt’s only rarely, but I didn’t know him at all. He was an enig…an…one of those things that no one can figure out. I slept beside Thad at night. We had wild, passionate sex. But, I couldn’t help feeling that he was keeping me at arm’s length. No matter how hard I tried to get close to him, he wouldn’t let me in. He refused to talk about his past, most of it anyway, and he was easily angered. Sometimes I had the feeling I could leave and he wouldn’t even notice, but at other times he seemed to need me. He ran so hot and cold that he drove me crazy! - 174 -

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Most of what we had was good, though—beyond good. Okay, it was awesome! I’d even come out to Aunt Liz because of Thad. I was sleeping over at his house so often I figured even she would want an explanation, so I told her I had a boyfriend. She didn’t bat an eye, not even when I told her he was thirty. In fact, she applauded my courage to live my life as I saw fit, no matter what others thought. And, just as I suspected, there was a rainbow flag hanging from her front porch the very next day. I had to talk her out of throwing a comingout party for me. I don’t like labels, so I had no intention of thinking of myself as gay. I was more strongly attracted to guys than girls, but I intended to keep my options open. Of course, if everything worked out, I’d only be with one guy for the rest of my life—Thad. Thad and I walked so closely together our shoulders were touching most of the way. Well, my shoulder was against his elbow, as he was considerably taller than me. Thad even put his arm around me when we stopped to admire a particularly striking jack-o’-lantern display. Someone with a great deal of artistic skill had carved pumpkins to look like witches, vampires, and ghouls of all descriptions. Thad and I took our seats in the auditorium. I was sure Toby would have no trouble spotting me in the audience. After all, I was the only one with bright pink hair. Thad had just stared at me the first time he saw it. I guess he’d grown accustomed to purple. I never kept my hair the same color for long and had never understood how most people could go through their entire lives with the same color hair every single day. I did have to admit that Thad’s black hair was incredibly sexy. The play was awesome! Toby was such a clever actor I didn’t even think of him as Toby. For a couple of hours he was Peter Pan. Orlando was great as Hook, and Krista made a cool Aunt Millicent. I recognized a few other members of the cast, too, but it was totally cool that my friends had all the lead roles. A lot of the kids from school were there, and I noticed some of them staring when they saw me with Thad. I considered introducing him as my daddy, but I figured he wouldn’t appreciate that one bit. It was hard work thinking before I acted, but I tried to do so when I was around Thad. He was the only one who could tame me. Well, he came the closest, anyway. No one would ever domesticate this wild boy. I wanted to talk to Toby and the others after the play, but it was too crowded. Instead, Thad and I walked back toward home. Spending the remainder of the night with him would be more fun anyway, way more fun!

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As soon as the door closed I grabbed Thad and kissed him. “Let’s go to the bedroom.” “I have work to do.” “I can change your mind,” I said. I kissed him again, passionately. Thad kissed me back for a few moments, but then pushed me away. “I’m sure you can change my mind, but don’t. There are some things I’ve got to finish tonight.” “Grrrrr,” I growled at him. “Down, Tiger.” I wanted to pounce on him, but I resisted the temptation. “Okay, but tomorrow you’re mine.” “Tomorrow? Aren’t you forgetting something?” “What?” “You’re kidding me right? You really don’t remember?” “No, what are you talking about?” I tried to keep a straight face, but was not entirely successful. “Let’s see, you’ve been bouncing off the walls for days. For two weeks you begged me to take you. I seem to remember you came up with a very innovative way to convince me.” I laughed. “I haven’t forgotten. How could I forget? Phantom is going to be at Phantom World tomorrow! I can’t wait!” I began to dance about the room, playing air guitar. “Perhaps the hair dye seeped into your brain,” said Thad. “Tomorrow is going to be wicked! Toby said he could get us a spot backstage! Can you believe it? We’re going to be spitting distance from Phantom.” “If you’re going to spit on them, I’m not going.” “You know what I mean!” “Am I detecting a bit of an obsession here?” “Hey, they are the best band in the whole freaking world! Have you heard Kieran play the guitar? He’s my idol.” “Big obsession. I’ll take a bib for you tomorrow so you don’t drool on yourself.” “Shut up and go write your book!” Thad grinned and left me standing in the hallway. “I’m going for a walk!” I called out, turned, and departed.

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My disappointment over not getting to spend some naked time with Thad was quashed by my enthusiasm over Phantom. I was actually going to see them perform live—and close up, too! I didn’t want to get my hopes built up, but my dream was to shake Kieran’s hand. I wanted to meet Jordan and Ross, too, but Kieran was the number-one guitar player in the world! He was best ever in my book. Maybe we’d meet, and we could talk about guitars and… Keep dreaming, Cedi, it’s not gonna happen. Just be happy you’re going to see them play live. Sometimes I hated the little voice in my head. Sometimes I yelled at it. I laughed out loud. I felt like I was on top of the world! The high school was up ahead. The lights were still on in the auditorium. I think I’d heard Krista say something about a cast party after the final performance. I walked around back, toward the baseball and soccer pitches. I wondered if I’d be able to sleep at all tonight. I was way too hyped. Maybe I could convince Thad to have sex with me. We could go at it like wild animals until morning. He’d probably work for hours, though. He did that sometimes. He’d be exhausted when he finished. I guessed I’d just have to find another way to pass the time. As I neared the dugout, I thought I heard sobs. As I drew closer, I was sure of it. I stopped just a few feet away. “Toby?” I asked. I thought it was him, but I couldn’t be sure in the growing darkness. The crying stopped, and Toby wiped his eyes with the back of his hand as he stepped out into the moonlight. “Cedi, hey.” “What’s wrong?” He looked like his dog had just died or something. “Orlando broke up with me.” “I’m so sorry, Toby. Did he do it just now?” “No, he did it just before our first performance. I’ve been trying not to think about it. I’ve kept my mind on the play, but now that it’s all over…I feel like there’s nothing left.” Toby started crying again. I didn’t quite know what to do, so I reached out and wrapped my arms around him. I just stood there and held him while he cried. After a good long time his tears slowed, then stopped. “I didn’t see it coming. I thought we’d just go on dating, you know? Everything was going so well, but then…” “What?” “I’m sure you don’t want to hear about all this.”

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“Are you kidding? Miss out on real life drama? Spill it!” Toby actually laughed for a moment, but there was no happiness in his voice. “Okay, you asked for it. It’s a real soap opera.” Toby and I sat down in the dugout, and he told me his whole story with Orlando, Krista, and Kerry. It was like a soap opera, right down to the evil twin. “It sounds like Orlando really cares about you,” I said when he’d finished. “I know the whole thing with him and Kerry is uncool, but at least he cares enough to want to spare you further pain.” “Yeah, well, if he really cared, he would just stay away from Kerry. It can’t be that hard to say no. The bottom line is he thinks Kerry is hotter than I am, which is true enough. Orlando and I had a lot more going than just sex, though. At least I thought so. Maybe I was wrong.” “I don’t know, Toby. Some people are like…I don’t know how to explain it, but once I met a boy I just wanted to jump on so bad I couldn’t stand it. I was thirteen then, and he was fifteen. I couldn’t even think straight around him. To make a long story short, I made a complete fool of myself even though I knew better, and I didn’t get what I wanted, either. Maybe it’s like that for Orlando.” “Except Orlando is getting what he wants—Kerry. Krista seems to think it’s for the best. She says that this is something Orlando has to work through, and he knows it. He can’t be a good boyfriend for me or anyone else until he gets Kerry out of his system. I just wonder if he ever will.” “I’d like to say something really wise right now to help you, but I’m not exactly an expert on relationships.” “Krista says I’ll get over it in time, but that doesn’t help me one bit right now.” “I don’t know anything about that, but I think the best thing for you to do is keep busy. Surround yourself with friends and just do stuff you like doing so you won’t think about it so much.” “Now that’s good advice. I feel miserable when I dwell on Orlando and Kerry. I need to get my mind off the whole thing. I was okay as long as I had the play to think about. Hey, do you want to go to the cast party with me?” asked Toby. “I’m not a member of the cast.” “You’re with me, so it won’t matter.” “No one messes with the star, huh?” Toby laughed. “If they say anything, I’ll take my sword out.”

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“Your sword, huh?” I asked, suggestively looking down at the front of Toby’s jeans. “You must think you’ve got something pretty impressive in your pants.” “The one I used in the play, you pervert!” I laughed. Toby and I stood and walked toward the auditorium. “I am so psyched about tomorrow!” I said. “Thank you so much for getting Thad and me spots so close!” “Well, I know how much you love Phantom, and I know how exciting it is to be standing a few feet away when they’re performing.” “Well, I truly appreciate it. I’ll be your slave for this; anything you want, just name it—I’ll mow your yard, clean your room, sexual favors, whatever.” “Sexual favors? Wouldn’t your older man object to that?” “Not if he could watch.” Toby jerked to a halt. “Are you serious?” “Yeah, he asked me to find another young guy, and he mentioned you especially, right after the play tonight. He thinks you’re hot.” “Are you serious?” asked Toby again, turning pale. I laughed out loud. “No, I’m just kidding. I doubt Thad would be into anything so kinky. He’s kind of reserved, although…but I’d better not talk about that.” “I appreciate it.” “Well, I appreciate what you’re doing for me tomorrow. You must have connections at the park beyond just working there.” “Yeah, you could say that. I called Avery. He called Jordan and…” “Jordan? You mean the Jordan.” “Yep.” “Wow, you are connected. You actually know him?” “Well, I met him, as I’m sure you know.” “Yeah, I remember how everyone razzed you about telling the story over and over.” “I guess I’ve told it a few too many times. I can’t claim to know him, but I know Avery pretty well. I know how crazy you are about Kieran, so I thought I would see what I could do.” “You’re a really nice guy, Toby.” “Well, Avery did something really nice for me when he arranged for me to meet Phantom, so I figured it was my turn to help someone out. Besides, it’s not often I can do something like that. I don’t have a lot of connections, so if there are any movie stars you’re dying to meet I’m afraid I can’t help you.” “Aww, and I was hoping you had Orlando Bloom’s phone number.”

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“I promise—I’ll ask him for it the first time I see him, which will probably be…never.” “You’re quite a guy, Toby.” “So are you,” he said seriously. “Thanks for letting me cry on your shoulder—literally.” I just nodded. Toby was quickly surrounded when he entered the auditorium. Everyone had been looking for him. The whole cast and most of their parents were there as well. Toby was the hero of the hour, and it’s just what he needed. Krista’s eyes met mine across the crowd, and she smiled at me. I knew she and Toby were close; he was lucky to have such a good friend. Once the other cast members and parents, including Toby’s own, were done showering him with adulation, he returned to me, and we headed for the snack table. Someone had baked cookies with white chocolate chips and macadamia nuts. I devoured three in no time at all. Krista joined us, and Toby’s brother, Mackenzie, even came over to punch Toby in the shoulder, which I guess was his way of showing affection. I watched him as he walked away. He had a nice butt. “You’re little brother is kind of hot,” I said. “Forget it, Cedi. He likes girls.” “Well, I guess not everyone in your family can be cool.” “Besides, I think Krista has plans for him,” said Toby. “Maybe when he’s older,” she said. “Oh, intergenerational dating,” I said. “Kinky.” “Look who’s talking,” said Toby. “Where’s your daddy?” Toby looked at me. “Can I tell her?” “She looks like she can keep a secret.” “What?” asked Krista, suddenly all ears. “Well, you know the guy Cedi was calling a jerk?” asked Toby. “Yeah?” said Krista. “He and Cedi are dating. “Sort of,” I said. “Don’t you practically live with him?” asked Toby. “Yeah, but…it’s complicated.” “He’s thirty,” said Toby. “No way!” said Krista. “Thirty? That’s, like, really old.” “He’s really hot,” I said, “and he can do things with his tongue that…” “Too much information!” said Krista.

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My eyes lit up and I grinned. “Come on, Krista, you know you’re dying to hear. Last time, after we tore each other’s clothes off…” Krista clamped her hand over my mouth, then released it. “I shoved him down on the bed and…” She held my mouth shut again for a few moments, then let go. “Thad has the biggest…” Krista muffled me again, and this time she grabbed and twisted my arm. She was surprisingly strong. “If you don’t shut up, I’ll have to hurt you,” she said. “I’ll let you go, but only if you promise to divulge no more details about your love life. Deal?” I nodded, and she released me. Toby and I laughed. Krista grinned to see Toby happy. We both knew it wouldn’t last, but the more he could keep his mind off Orlando, the better. Orlando was at the party, but he kept his distance. After about half an hour, Krista broke away from us and headed for him. From the look on Orlando’s face you would’ve thought a grizzly bear or the grim reaper was approaching him instead of a girl. Even from a distance I saw him swallow hard. Krista didn’t pound him, though, she just talked. I kind of wished I could hear what they were saying. There wasn’t a lot happening at the cast party beyond eating, drinking, and talking, but it was fun. I was hyped about the next day, and Toby needed to forget his troubles. When things began to wind down I walked him home. I was still too excited to sleep, and I figured he’d like the company. When we arrived at his house I gave him a hug and watched as he walked inside. As I headed for home I thought to myself that if things were different I’d be interested in Toby myself. I had Thad, though, and I didn’t want anyone else. Besides, friends could be better than lovers.








I was so antsy the next morning as I waited for Thad to get ready I couldn’t even sit down. How many times had I listened to Phantom’s CDs? How many times had I played along to their songs? I’d practically taught myself to play by listening to them, and now I was going to see them perform live. I was so hyped I thought I’d hurl. “You must really be wound up about today,” said Thad. “You haven’t mentioned sex once this morning.” “I’m going to see them today! I’m going to see him!”

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“Just try not to scream like a girl.” “Come on! Aren’t you just a little excited? I saw a couple of Phantom CDs in your collection.” “I enjoy their music and respect them as musicians, but I don’t drool over them like some love-sick teenaged girl.” “I don’t drool over them!” “Right.” “You can’t tell me you don’t think they’re hot.” “They’re very attractive, but I’m interested in their music, not in how they look.” “Well I’m interested in both! If Kieran was into guys I’d be all over him—if I was wasn’t dating you, that is.” “I think you’d be all over him, period. You couldn’t help yourself.” “Maybe we could share him. Jordan, too, if he wasn’t taken…damn is he hot! And Ross, wow!” “Hmm, maybe keeping you on a leash today would be a good idea. Then again, Phantom does have bodyguards, so I guess they’ll be safe from you.” I grinned gleefully. “You can put a leash on me after we get home!” Thad covered his face with his hand and shook his head. “How did I get myself into this? My life was so simple before I met you—simple and quiet. Come on, let’s just go. I’m afraid you’ll have an accident on the floor if we stay here much longer.” In no time at all we were in Phantom World. It was packed, no doubt because Phantom would be there. They weren’t performing until one p.m., and it was just past eleven. I couldn’t help but look around and try to catch a glimpse of them as we enjoyed the park. “I don’t think they’ll just be walking around,” said Thad. “Who?” “Your obsession, Phantom. They would get mobbed.” “Who says I’m looking for them?” “Please, you’re jerking your head around like a chicken.” Just then a girl about my age broke away from her friends and came up to Thad, all starry-eyed. “You’re Thad Thomas, aren’t you? I love your books! They’re soooooo sexy and romantic.” “Thank you,” said Thad. “Can I have your autograph?” she asked. “Of course you may.”

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The girl quickly dug a pen out of her purse and handed it and a park map to Thad. “What’s your name?” “Colleen.” Thad wrote something on the map and gave it and the pen back to his adoring fan. “I can’t believe it!” she said. “I came to see Phantom today and you’re here, too! They’re my favorite band and you’re my favorite author!” “I’m very glad to have the chance to meet you,” said Thad. Before he knew what hit him, Colleen had hugged him. “I think we’d better take her away before she embarrasses herself,” said one of Colleen friends who until then had been standing back. Thad just smiled as Colleen was pulled away and disappeared into the crowd. “Maybe you should wear a disguise so you won’t get mobbed, too,” I said. “One girl isn’t a mob.” “Yes, but there could be tons of your fans here today.” “I don’t have that many fans. I’m a writer, not a rock star.” “Don’t underestimate yourself.” “I wouldn’t even want that many fans. I couldn’t stand not being able to go anywhere without being recognized. I prefer peace and quiet.” “I want that many fans. Someday, I’m going to be so famous that my mere presence will cause a riot!” “You’re already a riot.” “Funny! But someday I’m going to be just like Kieran. I’m going to be up on a stage singing and playing the guitar, and it’s going to be totally cool!” “I hope your dream comes true,” said Thad. “With your determination, I’m sure it will.” “This coming from the guy who thinks my musical talent sucks.” “I never said that. I said you knew nothing about love and that your lovesong lyrics were idiocy.” “Well, it sure sounds like you think I suck.” “You can learn, Cedi, and just because I wasn’t impressed with your lyrics doesn’t mean you’re not a good songwriter. Some of your other songs show real promise. Some of them are rather incredible. When you write about what you know, you’re a great songwriter, and as far as your musical ability is concerned, I don’t know that I’ve heard a better guitar player. You have talent.” I stopped and looked up at Thad. I was grinning from ear to ear.

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“Thanks.” “Don’t thank me. I’m just telling you the truth.” I was stunned into silence for a while. We walked on, taking in the scenery. Even though it was October, the park was beautiful, with flowers everywhere. “I guess I’ve finally learned how to make you shut up,” said Thad. “You really think I have talent?” “I know you do. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.” “Let’s go ride the Ghost Pirates raft ride,” I said. “The lines for the roller coasters will be way too long today.” Thad and I rode only Ghost Pirates and the bumper cars. The park was really crowded, and we didn’t have all that much time before the show. We spent the remainder of our time eating corn dogs, chicken fingers, and fries for lunch. As one p.m. drew closer I became more and more nervous. “What’s the matter?” asked Thad as we were walking toward the large amphitheatre. “I’ve always wanted to see Phantom perform live and now it’s happening. It’s like it’s not even real.” “It’s real. Maybe if you’re lucky, you’ll even get to meet them.” “That would be incredible! But, what if…” “What?” “What if I do get to meet them and they’re not like I thought they’d be? What if they’re jerks or tell me my hair looks stupid or something?” “I don’t think that will happen. If they’re jerks, they hide it well, and didn’t your friend meet them?” “Yeah, Toby, the one who’s getting us so close!” “He didn’t think they were jerks, did he?” “No, he said they were awesome!” “So stop worrying, you little shit.” I grinned at Thad. I didn’t mention it to Thad, but I was worried that Toby wouldn’t meet us at the entrance to the amphitheatre as he promised. I knew he wouldn’t just stand us up, but what if something came up? What if he wasn’t able to get those backstage passes? If he didn’t meet us, there was no way we’d even get close to the stage. As we neared I could see the place filling up. There was tons of security making sure things didn’t get out of hand. A lot of them lined the front of the stage. “I see you made it,” said Toby. I jerked my head to the side. I’d nearly walked right past without seeing him.

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“That was never in doubt,” said Thad. “Cedi would have crawled here if necessary.” “Shut up.” “I’m Thad.” “I know,” said Toby, “I’ve read your books. I’m a big fan. I’m Toby.” “It’s nice to meet you, Toby.” Toby smiled. His eyes looked a little puffy, like he’d been crying. I wished I could do more to help him get over Orlando. “Come on, I’ll take you guys backstage. Security is supposed to know who we are.” I noticed that Toby was sporting an all-access Phantom pass. If I had any doubt that Toby had actually met Phantom, it was soon erased. When Toby told one of the security guys who we were, he got on his radio and a couple of minutes later someone I’d never met, but instantly recognized appeared. “You’re Jordan’s boyfriend!” I said. “Unless he’s found someone he likes better in the last five minutes. I’m Ralph,” he said, shaking my hand and then Thad’s. “The guys are getting ready and won’t have time to meet you before the show, but I’m sure they’ll be happy to afterward.” Bloody hell! I was going to meet Phantom! Ralph handed Thad and me passes just like Toby’s, then turned to Toby. “Hey, Toby, are you up for a Risk rematch? I’m ready to kick your butt again.” “Any time,” said Toby smiling, “but you’re going down this time.” For the moment, at least, he seemed to have forgotten all about Orlando. “You wish!” said Ralph. Ralph led us right up onto the stage and off to the side. We’d be standing no more than ten feet away from Phantom. I was so excited, I thought I might just wet my pants. “I’ve got to run, but I’ll see you guys later, okay? Just stay right here after it’s over, and I’ll come for you.” With that, Ralph was gone. “Oh, my God! I’m going to meet Phantom!” I said. “You should have worn Depends,” said Thad. I tried to give him a dirty look, but I just couldn’t manage it. I was too excited. I actually jumped up and down several times because I could not hold still.

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Right at one, Phantom ran onto the stage, and I was deafened by the screams. I realized that one of the screams was coming from me. I hoped a few thousand people would scream for me like that someday. “How is everybody today?” asked Jordan, his voice sounding all over the amphitheatre, which had a kick-ass sound system. There were screams all over the place, but I couldn’t tell what anyone was saying. “I hope you’re all comfortable, because we’re planning to be here a good, long time.” That caused even louder screams, and I had to resist the urge to cover my ears. Jordan stepped back, Ross clicked his drumsticks together three times, and they started right in on “You Don’t Know.” I was standing ten feet away from Phantom. I’d listened to their CDs so often I knew their songs by heart. I’d played my guitar along with them. I’d watched them on TV. Now, they were right there in front of me, so close I could almost reach out and touch them. If I died right then, I would’ve been happy. Maybe Thad was right; perhaps I was obsessed. Phantom was even better in person than on their CDs. I think I could have stood there and listened to them forever. It was all I could do to keep myself from singing along. I looked back at Thad for a moment and smiled. I spent the whole first song staring at the guys. I looked over at Ross and was shocked to find he was looking back at me. He smiled, then winked. I went weak in the knees. He looked at me several times after that, too. Maybe he was just staring at my hair, but I couldn’t believe it. Ross was looking at me! I was in Heaven, that’s the only way to describe it. I gawked at Kieran. I couldn’t believe I was so close to him! I couldn’t believe I was going to meet him! It was almost more excitement than I could handle. Right at the end of “You Don’t Know” I heard a loud crack overhead, followed by a weird zipping noise. I looked up right in time to see one of the big lights come loose and hurtle toward the stage, trailing a thick power cord. “Heads up!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, so loud that the guys did in fact look up. The light was falling almost on top of Kieran. In the split second that remained, Kieran only had time to hold up his guitar to fend off the blow. The heavy light snapped the neck of his guitar right in two and crashed down on his arm. A second later the light exploded, sending glass flying everywhere. Kieran was knocked to his knees, cradling his right arm. Thank God the power cord slowed the fall of the light, otherwise it might’ve killed Kieran.

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Everything was a blur after that. There were frightened screams from the crowd. Security formed a barrier around the stage. Ross and Jordan ran to Kieran, then Jordan turned to the audience and assured them that no one was seriously hurt. I ran over to Kieran, followed closely by Thad. “Dude, are you okay?” asked Ross. Kieran grimaced and rocked back and forth. “It’s broken,” he said, holding his arm, tears welling in his eyes. We helped Kieran stand, being careful not to touch his arm. I was so upset I was in tears. I knew he wasn’t seriously hurt, but still, it was scary, and I was shaken up. Security escorted Kieran off the stage. The road crew came and carried away the smashed light and Kieran’s ruined guitar. Thad and I stepped back as some of the crew began to sweep up the glass. Luckily, no one on the stage got cut. Jordan returned to his microphone. “We’re having a little…technical difficulty,” he said. “There’s nothing to worry about, but it does look like Kieran’s arm is broken. He’s being taken to the local hospital, and with any luck he’ll be back by the end of the concert. If you give us just a minute, we’ll figure out where we go from here.” The next few minutes were filled with Phantom’s road crew and various security guys talking hurriedly with Jordan, Ross, and each other. I was horribly worried about Kieran and bummed out that the show was over almost before it started. I edged closer as Ross and Jordan were discussing the concert. “What are we going to do?” asked Ross. “Should we just try to play without the guitar sections?” “We’ll be like a bird trying to fly with one wing.” “A capella?” suggested Ross doubtfully. “For two hours?” “If this was a tour, the bass guitarist could take over,” said Ross. “Yeah, but this isn’t a tour, and we don’t have a bass guitarist,” replied Jordan. “So, what are we going to do?” “Cedi plays the guitar. He’s incredible.” I looked back over my shoulder. It was Thad who had spoken. I looked around in a panic. I was so shaken up by what had happened to my idol, right in front of my eyes, that I couldn’t even think straight. “And he knows your songs,” said Thad. Suddenly, Jordan, Ross, and everyone else on or near the stage was staring at me.

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“But…I can’t…” “You can play?” asked Jordan. I just about swooned looking into those incredible eyes of his. “Yeah, but…” A strong hand twirled me around. Jordan’s eyes were replaced with Thad’s. “You can do this, Cedi. You have talent. You know the songs. You can do this.” I swallowed hard, feeling completely panic-stricken, but Thad was right. I felt like I was in some kind of messed-up dream. This couldn’t possibly be happening. I was still in bed sleeping. I had to be. I was in bed dreaming about the concert. This could not be real. It was real, though. I knew it. I looked at Thad. “This is the moment you’ve been waiting for, kid.” I just stared into Thad’s eyes for a few moments. He nodded and smiled. I can do this, I thought to myself. I turned and faced Jordan again, looking directly into his eyes. “You got a guitar?” He grinned. “So you know the songs, huh?” asked Jordan. “All of them.” His grin broadened. “This has got to be a dream,” I said, turning back to Thad. “This can’t be real. It just can’t. The light falling, breaking Kieran’s arm, me just happening to be standing here. It’s like something some no-talent writer would come up with.” “You’d better not be talking about me,” said Thad, crossing his arms. “Follow me,” said Ralph. I turned and Ralph guided me over to where Kieran had been standing. In moments one of Kieran’s guitars was hooked up and placed in my hands. “You’ll be fine,” said Ralph. “The set list is taped to the stage. Just have fun.” I nodded. I looked down and there was the list. I nervously looked over at Ross who had taken his place behind his drums and he winked at me again. I’m going to wake up soon, or I’m going to die, I thought. Or maybe I’m just gonna hurl. Jordan returned to his microphone. “All right everybody! It looks like we’re going to be able to continue. Luckily, there was a guitar player in the house. Let’s all give a big hand to Cedi for literally saving the show.”

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Jordan turned, looked at me, and clapped. They all clapped and screamed. It was overwhelming. I trembled, and my heart pounded furiously. It was the most incredible and the most terrifying moment of my life. I thought I might drop dead from the sheer intensity of it, but if I did, I’d die happy. “Do You Know That I Love You,” said Jordan, making eye contact with me, and then he smiled. I took a deep breath. Ross started the beat with his drumsticks, and we began to play. It was all a blur after that. My fear, my nervousness, and my nausea all disappeared. I played the guitar and I sang. I didn’t miss a beat. It was like I was meant to be there on that stage, playing with Phantom. We played for over two hours and it seemed like ten minutes. I never wanted it to end. After an encore, the crowd cheered again for us. When Jordan mentioned my name they cheered for me, just me. Tears actually streamed down my face. I’d always wanted to be a rock star, and for those two hours I was one.

Toby I was standing close enough to Kieran when the light came crashing down that broken glass pelted my jeans. I wasn’t cut, and I didn’t even think about the possibility for several moments. I was in a state of shock and desperately worried about Kieran. Cedi looked like he was on the verge of bawling. The light that had fallen was heavy. It could’ve killed Kieran. I guess he was lucky in a way, if you can call having your arm broken lucky. I forced myself to calm down, but I was still frightened and upset when Kieran was helped off the stage. There was minor chaos for a while, but Jordan was good at crowd control. He got everyone calmed down pretty fast. I helped lug the light off the stage while others cleaned up the glass. It took me and two other guys to lift it! “Look at this,” said one of the road crew as we set the light down just off the stage. “Here’s why the light fell. This bolt is sheared in two.” I bent down to take a better look. He was right. It was a thick bolt, but it had snapped right near the middle. It definitely wasn’t sabotage, just a freak accident. When I returned to my spot just offstage, I was in for another shock. Cedi was standing in Kieran’s spot, a guitar in his hands. I didn’t have time to ask him what was going on before Jordan was back on his microphone. “All right everybody! It looks like we’re going to be able to continue. Luckily, there was a guitar player in the house. Let’s all give a big hand to Cedi for literally saving the show.” I couldn’t believe it. I clapped for Cedi along with everyone else. I couldn’t imagine what was going through his head at that moment. He was so excited when I told him I could get him backstage he’d just about hurled, but now…I just hoped he didn’t faint dead away.

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“Do You Know That I Love You,” said Jordan, making eye contact with Cedi. He gave Cedi a smile, Ross started the beat with his drumsticks, and Phantom began to play. Cedi had to be nervous, but damn was he good! He played the song as if he’d been playing it all his life. If he made any mistakes, I sure didn’t catch them. I knew Cedi was a guitarist and totally obsessed with music, but I’d never dreamed he was so talented. He was beyond incredible. I stood and watched as Cedi played the entire concert. I think Jordan and Ross were amazed at his talent for playing their songs. I’m sure they figured they’d have to carry him, but it was as if he was meant to be on that stage. I spent a good deal of the concert watching Jordan and Ross, of course. I’d met them, but I was still overwhelmed by their presence. Who would’ve ever thought I’d get to hang out with rock stars? I kept an eye on Cedi, too. I was amazed by him; more than that, I was astonished. Who would’ve thought that the crazy kid with wild hair from school would be so talented? Just after the concert, Jordan and Ross both gave Cedi a high-five. He looked like he could walk on air. “We need to talk,” Jordan told Cedi. It was a historic moment. For the first time ever, Cedi was speechless. Security came up to the stage to escort Phantom through the park. Moments later, I was walking along with Jordan, Ross, Ralph, Cedi, and Thad. “Does anyone know how Kieran is doing?” asked Jordan. It was a question much on everyone’s mind. “He’s on his way back. His arm is broken,” said a guy who looked like he was with the secret service. I recognized him. He was Mike, Jordan’s bodyguard. I wondered what it was like to have a bodyguard. Security led us around to the back of the Graymoor Mansion, Phantom World’s centerpiece haunted-house attraction. We entered and climbed a set of stairs to the top floor, accompanied only by Mike’s and Ross’s bodyguard, Shawn. “This is incredible,” I said as we entered a huge room. The entire top floor was one big penthouse apartment, complete with a full kitchen. I walked to one of the windows and looked down. From the penthouse one could look out over the entire park. “Home away from home,” said Ross. “How are you doing, Toby?” “I’m…okay,” I said. Ross seemed to catch the hesitation in my voice, but he didn’t question me further.

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“I’m Jordan.” I turned to see Jordan introducing himself to Thad. “I’m Thad Thomas.” “The novelist? I’ve read your books. They’re incredible.” “I’ve listened to your music. It’s incredible,” said Thad. “He has your CDs,” said Cedi, mischievously. “Well, I have his books, so I guess we’re even,” said Jordan, smiling. “Speaking of incredible, I’m impressed, Cedi. How long have you been playing?” “As long as I can remember.” “I don’t know what we would have done if you hadn’t been there,” said Jordan. “On tour we travel with background musicians who can fill in, but we were alone out there. You saved our butts.” I’d noticed Cedi checking out Jordan’s butt, which I must say was rather fine, but he surprisingly didn’t make a comment. I think being in the presence of Jordan overwhelmed the pink-haired wonder. Kieran appeared at the door just then, and our attention focused on him. His right arm was in a cast. “What did the doctor say?” asked Jordan, looking worried. “My arm is broken in two places,” said Kieran, “and my shoulder was displaced, but he snapped it back in. I don’t even want to tell you how much that hurt. The good news is that I won’t need surgery. The bad news is that I’ll be wearing this cast for weeks.” “Our next tour is scheduled to start in just three weeks!” whined Ross. “We’ll figure things out,” said Jordan. “I’m just glad you weren’t more seriously hurt. That light should not have fallen like that.” “The bolt holding it in place broke,” I said. “I got a good look at it.” Mike handed Jordan a small plastic bag with the broken bolt in it. He examined it. “At least no one is trying to kill us. It looks like you were the victim of a freak accident,” Jordan told Kieran. Kieran turned quickly on Ross, who was just starting to open his mouth. “Don’t say it!” Ross grinned. “We have some things we need to discuss, but for now I think we all just need to chill out,” said Jordan. “Who’s up for pizza?” “Me! Me!” yelled Ross, jumping up and down like a five-year-old. “I’m starving!” yelled Cedi.

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I grinned at him. Now that was the Cedi I knew, loud and obnoxious. He was beginning to return to normal. “Okay, there’s ten of us, so, I dunno, let’s just get a bunch of whatever they’ve got and lots of drinks.” “I’ll go get it!” yelled Ross. “I’ll help you!” said Cedi. “Yeah!” screamed Ross. He ran at Cedi and they gave each other a high five, then danced around each other in a circle. “Oh, my God,” said Kieran. “There’s two of them.” “I’ll go,” said Rod, Kieran’s bodyguard, who had escorted him back from the emergency room. “I’ll grab some guys to help.” “But…” began Ross. “Sit!” said Jordan. Ross crossed his arms and sat down like a pouting child, but a moment later he was smiling. I saw him look over at Cedi and mouth “later” behind Jordan’s back. Cedi grinned. Rod departed and everyone broke into more relaxed conversation. Cedi was gazing at Kieran as if afraid to approach him. I wondered what he must be thinking. It was an awe-inspiring experience to meet one’s idol. Cedi gulped as Kieran walked over to him. “I hear you filled in for me,” he said. “I tried,” said Cedi. “Tried my ass,” said Ross loudly. “He’s as good as you!” “I’m not that good,” said Cedi, displaying humility that was quite out of character for him. I knew the presence of Kieran overwhelmed him. I remembered how I’d felt when I met Jordan. I’d fainted dead away. Cedi was handling things a good deal better. “He’s just being modest,” said Ross. “You’ve gotta hear this guy play.” Cedi turned nearly as pink as his hair. “I’ve always wanted to meet you,” said Cedi. “I think you’re the best guitar player in the whole world. I’ve practiced your songs, and, wow, what you do with a guitar is incredible.” “You have something on your nose there,” said Ross, giggling. Cedi smiled and shook his head. “I mean it. It took me weeks to get some of the parts down.” “He also writes his own music,” said Thad. “Do you?” asked Kieran. “I’d love to see some of it.”

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“Any time. Wow, I can’t believe you’re talking to me. This is the first time I’ve met you.” Kieran laughed. “Well, this is my first time meeting you, too.” “I can’t believe I said that. It was so stupid,” said Cedi. “Relax, Cedi, it’s okay.” “Yeah, relax, man. Kieran is nothin’ special,” said Ross. “When you get to know him, he’s really boring, and he snores!” “I do not snore.” “Yeah, right, that one night I thought the bus had wrecked. And his breath…don’t even get me started.” I walked over to the window and looked out over the park. Now that things were calming down, my thoughts returned to Orlando. I wished I could share this with him, but…I put it out of my mind as best I could. I needed to keep my mind off Orlando, not dwell on him. Outside the window I could see rides and booths and crowds of people having fun. I needed to enjoy my life, like all those people down below, and not dwell on the past. I was truly being stupid. Now was not the time to be down. I was in the same room as Phantom, and that was hard to top. Only a complete moron wouldn’t be happy in my situation. The pizza soon arrived, and we all sat around a large round table in the center of the room. My mood improved once more as we ate, laughed, and talked. Ross and Cedi were cutting up like crazy. Thad, who seemed very reserved, smiled at their antics, but there was a touch of sadness about him, too. Jordan, Ross, and Kieran didn’t seem like rock stars as we sat around the table. Just like the previous time I’d hung out with Phantom, I was amazed at how normal they were. Well, Ross wasn’t normal, but that had nothing to do with his being famous. That was just Ross. I guess seeing Phantom on TV and reading about them in magazines gave most people a false impression of them. In the press, they were always shown at movie premiers, awards programs, or at photo shoots. It gave one the idea that they hung out with movie stars and other rock stars all the time, but that wasn’t their real life. They did those things, but I had the feeling what I saw on TV and in magazines was the exception and not the rule. “I am so getting on the Poltergeist once the park closes,” said Ross. “When we were at Universal Studios, I didn’t get to ride anything.” “I’m in!” said Cedi. “If I’m invited, that is.” “You’re all invited to stay,” said Jordan. “We were planning to hang out for a couple of hours after closing.”

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“We could go out right now instead!” said Ross. “You just enjoy creating havoc,” said Kieran. “What’s wrong with a little havoc?” “Eat your pizza,” said Jordan. Ross stared at Jordan and pretended to have a nervous twitch in his left eye. He looked as if he was considering an attack. I couldn’t help but laugh at him. Once we’d eaten, we got quieter. We lounged around the penthouse sitting on the many couches, loveseats, and comfortable chairs. Cedi was deep in conversation with Kieran, talking guitar talk. I was talking quietly with Jordan, Ralph, and Thad. Ross was, well, being Ross. “I need a nap,” said Jordan after an hour or so. “I can’t keep my eyes open. If you guys don’t mind I’m going to lie down for a while.” Ralph stood up as Jordan began to walk to a bedroom. “Are you sure you’re going in there for a nap?” asked Ross mischievously. “No, Ross,” said Ralph, “we’re going to have loud, wild sex, so you’d better put in your earplugs.” Ralph yawned, and I had little doubt they really would be napping. I was feeling quite sleepy myself. Thad and I talked about his books. Ross moved near us and listened, but it wasn’t long before he was snoozing away on a couch. He was strikingly handsome and looked like a little boy as he slept. His long hair flowed all around him. Thad and I spoke in low voices so as not to disturb him. It was fascinating to have the chance to talk to Thad about his novels. I could understand what Cedi saw in Thad. True, he was thirty, but he was strikingly handsome and sexy. It was too soon to be thinking of such things after my breakup with Orlando, and Thad was dating Cedi, but if the situation was different, I could’ve gone for him. I’d never thought about an older guy before, but Thad, well, he was something special. After closing, we hit the park. I’d never been there when it was so empty. Even when it was just the employees before the park opened or just after it closed, there were a lot of people around. Now, there were just the ten of us as well as a skeleton staff. It was ever so slightly eerie, but exciting. Ross couldn’t wait to hit the roller coasters. He kidnapped Cedi, and the two of them took off screaming like little kids. “Now that the children are gone, the rest of us can explore the park,” said Jordan. We headed for the Ghost Pirates raft ride. We could hear the pirate-themed music before we even got close. When we arrived, Jordan and Ralph took a raft, then the rest of us paired up. I ended up sitting beside Kieran.

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“How’s the arm?” I asked. “I can’t really feel it. I’m on painkillers. I’ve been warned it will likely throb some.” “I was so scared when that light hit you. Glass went flying everywhere.” “You know, I didn’t get a single cut,” said Kieran. “Me either, and I was standing really close to you. I helped move the light. I bet it weighed a hundred pounds.” “I guess it’s a good thing I wasn’t standing a bit more to the left, although I would’ve preferred to have been standing somewhere else entirely.” “I bet.” I spent quite a lot of time with Kieran that night. I learned, among other things, that he was getting married just before Christmas. I’d heard rumors about it, but hadn’t believed it until I heard it straight from Kieran. There were sure going to be a lot of disappointed girls. Jordan was gay and taken, and Kieran was soon to be married. That left only Ross. The night passed like a dream. We laughed and talked and rode rides to our hearts’ content. We had the whole park to ourselves and had complete freedom to do whatever we wanted. Jordan even got into a booth and made us all cotton candy. I couldn’t remember when I’d had such fun. It was the perfect way to keep my mind off Orlando.

Cedi I didn’t even make it inside the school the next morning before I was mobbed by girls. They were all talking at me at once, closing in almost as if to attack. “I didn’t know you knew Phantom!” “I saw you singing yesterday, you were incredible!” “Can you get me Jordan’s autograph?” “Does Ross really act like that in real life?” There were lots more questions, fired off in such rapid succession that I didn’t have time to answer a single one. I couldn’t even hear most of what was being said to me. After several seconds of the verbal barrage I screamed at the top of my lungs and ran like hell. The girls were too stunned to pursue me right away, and before they could even think about it, I was through the doors and well down the hall. “Who’s after you this time?” asked Chase as I burst into the gym, my breath coming hard and fast. “Did you put Icy Hot in Josh’s jockstrap again?” “No! There were like thirty girls waiting for me out front!” “I thought they all knew you were light in the loafers?” “They were asking me all these questions about Phantom, and they all kept talking at the same time. I nearly went insane!” “Went insane? Aren’t you already insane? But what’s this about Phantom?” “I performed with them yesterday at the park, so…” “You performed with them? Have you been smoking some weed, Cedi?” “No!” “Cedi, let me explain something to you: there is fantasy and there is reality. It’s fine if you want to daydream about being a rock star. Hey, I have some wild fantasies about the cheerleaders being my personal harem. Thing is, if I try to act like they are in real life…well, let’s just say things could get ugly.” “It’s not a fantasy! I…” - 197 -

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“You were so awesome yesterday, Cedi! Will you sign my notebook?” Chase looked stunned as a pair of young girls approached me. One of them held out her notebook and a pen. I was a bit shocked myself, but I quickly signed the front cover. The other girl pushed her notebook forward, too, but was too shy to say anything. I signed it as well. “Thanks, Cedi!” The pair took off squealing with delight. Chase just stared at me, as did several of the jocks who were standing near. “Uh-oh,” I said as I spotted more girls coming my way. “I’ve gotta go!” I bolted out of gym and down the hallway, leaving Chase speechless. All day it was the same thing. I was followed by girls as I moved from class to class. I answered questions and signed autographs as I walked. Some guys approached me, too, and I found a sealed envelope from a boy named Enrique in my locker with a note attached asking if I could deliver it to Ross. At lunch there was a flock of girls standing around our table, some of them asking if I could get them Phantom’s autographs. I had to explain to them that I didn’t know Phantom; I’d only just met them and would likely never see them again. Toby sat nearby, laughing at me all through lunch, and Krista giggled now and then as she watched me try to deal with the crowd. It was no wonder famous people had bodyguards. I was just momentarily connected with someone famous, and I was getting mobbed! “You know, when I met Phantom, no one even believed me,” said Toby as we walked away from our table. “Of course, I wasn’t on stage singing with them.” “I haven’t even had time to think today!” I said. “I’m gonna go hide out in the boys’ restroom for a while.” “Pervert,” said Chase, who was just then walking by. “Up yours, Chase.” “You wish.” Chase walked on, grinning. More girls approached and pelted me with comments and questions. They followed me as I put away my tray. They trailed me all the way to the restroom door. I rushed inside, locked myself in a stall, and enjoyed the silence. I wasn’t prepared for all the attention. I was overwhelmed. Still, it was rather cool.

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After school, I slipped into the boys’ locker room in an attempt to avoid the girls who had been hounding me all day. I knew they would be waiting for me outside, and I wanted to wait them out. “You’ve got some nerve coming in here, homo,” said Josh. “Come to watch us undress?” “I’ll wear a blindfold if it’ll make you more comfortable, but I promise you, I have no interest in your teeny-tiny dick.” Josh walked toward me, the muscles in his bare chest flexing. “You’re not on the team. Get out!” “Give him a break,” said Chase. “He’s just trying to get away from the girls. He’s got more of them after him than you’ll ever have.” “Yeah, Josh. If you’re nice to me, maybe I’ll put in a good word for you. I’m sure you can use all the help you can get.” Josh snarled, but didn’t come any closer. “Shut up, queer!” “What’s up with the girls?” asked Mike. “And what’s this I hear about you performing with Phantom?” “The little dude is famous now, guys,” said Chase. “I thought he was living in a fantasy world at first, but it turns out he sang with Phantom yesterday.” “Yeah,” said Adam Henshaw, “I took Cindy to the concert. She’s loves Phantom and…” “You sure it’s not you who loves Phantom?” asked Mike. “Shut up, Bradley! I like ’em, so what? But anyway, this big light came down on Kieran, and Cedi stepped in. He was damn good, too.” The football players looked at me with a new respect. Josh didn’t quite know what to make of it, but he wasn’t happy. “I just need to get away from them for a while,” I said. “I figure they can’t get me in here, and after awhile I can go on my way.” “You can hang out here,” said Chase. “Just remember us all when you’re a big-time rock star. Since you don’t like girls, you can give us your groupies.” “Hey, I like them. I just don’t prefer them.” “Whatever, just so you push some my way.” I laughed. “Deal.”

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The football players dressed in their uniforms, and I must admit I did a little looking around. Most jocks had bad attitudes, but they were still hot to look at. I didn’t let my eyes rove much, though, because Josh was glaring at me. One by one the players disappeared from the locker room. Chase hung back talking to me, but I think his main purpose was to make sure none of the guys messed with me. The jocks and I didn’t exactly have a history of mutual love and understanding, after all. I appreciated what Chase did for me. I wouldn’t have come into the boys’ locker room if I wasn’t driven there by need. I figured it was the last place any of the girls would suspect I’d be. I sat for a few minutes alone in the locker room. I was sorely tempted to do some mischief, but I couldn’t after they’d let me hide out in their sanctuary without molesting me. I peeked out into the gym, and, satisfied the coast was clear, slipped out of the locker room. I left by the back entrance and ran all the way to Thad’s. “Honey, I’m home!” I yelled as I slammed the front door, trying to do a Ricky Ricardo accent from the old I Love Lucy show that I’d caught on satellite. There was no answer, so I walked to Thad’s office. He looked up from his computer as I entered. “That was the worst impersonation I’ve ever heard,” said Thad. “I’m happy to see you, too!” I grabbed him and hugged him, and he smiled despite himself. I quickly kissed him on the lips, but when I moved in for another kiss he put his hand on my chest. “I’ve got to get some work done. Your aunt called. She said she had a message for you.” “Why didn’t she just give you the message?” “I suspect she’d like to see you. You haven’t been home in days.” “You’re just trying to get rid of me.” “Yes, but only long enough to get some work done. I know what you’ll do if you stay.” “You mean, like, pester you, kiss you, seduce you into wild, sweaty sex?” “Exactly, so go visit your aunt, then you can come back and seduce me.” “Deal!” I ran out of the house and to my aunt’s. Luckily no girls spotted me on the way. “Cedi, some boy left a message for you,” said my aunt as soon I entered. “Yeah, Thad told me. What boy?” I asked. “He said his name was Jordan.”

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I tried not to snatch the piece of paper out of my aunt’s hand. It couldn’t be from that Jordan. I looked down at my aunt’s neatly printed handwriting: “Great job yesterday. Can you meet me at Phantom World sometime this evening? Just give the guard at the front gate your name.” There was a phone number, too, but I instantly decided to go straight to the park, rather than call. “Thanks!” I told my aunt and gave her a quick peck on the cheek. “Can you drive me to Phantom World?” “Um, of course, Cedi, but I’m sure it’s closed.” I explained to her who the note was from, but as I did so I remembered that I’d neglected to tell Aunt Liz about my adventure the previous day. I didn’t mind recounting the tale for her at all. She seemed a bit hesitant to believe me, which was perfectly understandable, but I convinced her soon enough. In minutes Aunt Liz let me out at the front gate to Phantom World. She watched until the security guard escorted me inside just to make sure I wouldn’t be marooned there. My heart pounded in my chest like a hummingbird’s, and it was with great effort that I kept myself from jumping up and down and running in circles around the guard. The park was eerily silent and dark. It seemed almost haunted with the carousel, Ferris wheel, and all the other rides sitting completely still. There was no one on the paths, and the food booths were all closed up. Phantom World was an eerie sight to behold when it was closed. The guard led me around to the back of the Graymoor Mansion to the entrance to the penthouse. I climbed the stairs alone and knocked on the door at the top. “It’s open!” called out a voice. I took a breath to calm myself, turned the handle, and opened the door. My eyes met Jordan’s. Wow! It was him. It was really him! If he didn’t have a boyfriend, and if I didn’t…but there was no use thinking about that. “I got your message,” I said needlessly. “We wanted to talk to you about something,” said Jordan. “Come on in.” Jordan led me into the penthouse. “Cedi!” yelled Ross, jumping up from the loveseat where he was sprawled with an iPod. “Hi, Cedi,” said Kieran, far more calmly, from his seat at the table. I sat down in a comfy armchair, and Kieran and Ross sat near. For the first time in my life I felt intimidated. I was alone with Phantom. It was overwhelming.

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“What would everyone like to drink?” asked Jordan, walking toward the kitchen area. “Coke!” yelled Ross, far more loudly than was necessary. “Grab me an Orange Crush,” said Kieran. “A Coke would be great,” I said. Jordan returned soon and placed a tray with cans of soda and glasses filled with ice on a low table in the center of our grouping of chairs. He popped open a diet Coke and filled his glass. “You did an exceptional job yesterday,” said Jordan. “You have real talent. Oh, before I forget, this is for you.” He pulled a small piece of paper out of his pocket and handed it to me. It was a check for $2,000. “I can’t take this!” I said. “You saved our butts yesterday, Cedi, and as I said, you did an incredible job. You deserve to be paid.” “But I didn’t do it for money! Getting to play with you guys was the highlight of my life!” “Whoa, you are hard up for excitement,” said Ross. “Get a life!” Jordan grinned. “We know you didn’t do it for money, but you deserve it nonetheless. You’re taking that check and cashing it, no arguments.” I was speechless, which wasn’t at all usual for me. “Now, onto more important matters,” said Jordan. “As you know we have a tour coming up in a few weeks and Kieran is out of commission.” I looked over at Kieran. His arm was in a cast. There was no way he could play in his current condition. Reality slowed. I knew where Jordan seemed to be going, but he couldn’t possibly be about to suggest…no, this was a dream, and I was going to wake up at any second. I’d had that feeling a lot recently. “Kieran, Ross, and I discussed it last night, and we’d like you to replace Kieran on the tour.” I just sat there gaping with my mouth open like a complete idiot. I didn’t move. Jordan had just asked me to go on tour with Phantom. I was dreaming. There was no other explanation possible. “You need to breathe, Cedi,” said Jordan. I gulped in a lung full of air. I hadn’t realized I was holding my breath. “Are you serious?” “Completely,” said Jordan. “I watched the tape of yesterday’s performance,” said Kieran. “I was amazed. For you to step in like that, without preparation; well, that was just

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incredible. You’re extremely talented as well. I haven’t heard anyone with that kind of talent play the guitar for a long time.” I was speechless. Kieran, my idol, the greatest guitar player in the entire world, was telling me I had talent. “So, are you interested, dude?” asked Ross. It was too much to handle. I felt dizzy. I put my head in my hands. Tears sprang to my eyes, and I began to cry. “This isn’t quite the reaction I was expecting,” said Jordan. “This is what I’ve always wanted,” I said through my tears, “to perform just like you. I always thought I’d make it, but…I never thought…This is more than I ever dreamed!” I looked back up at the guys and stared at them through my tears. “This is so sudden! I can’t believe it, it’s just…wow!” “So does that mean you’re interested in touring with us?” asked Jordan. “Yes!” I said jumping up. “Yes! Yes! Yes!” I grabbed Jordan and hugged him. Then I hugged Ross and finally (and carefully) Kieran. “I can’t believe it!” I yelled. “You’re way too much like Ross,” said Kieran. “I tremble to think what you two will be like when you’re together.” Ross let out a wicked laugh, and our eyes locked. His had a devilish gleam in them. “There are a lot of details we need to discuss,” said Jordan. “The tour is coming up fast, and we have very little time to spare. You’re going to learn very quickly that business is a key word in music business.” “Let’s get to it then!” I said. “One thing I’m wondering about,” said Kieran slowly and carefully, “is Cedi’s hair. Do you think our fans will go for it?” Kieran looked directly at me. “I’m not saying you don’t look good, but it gives you a punk look, and Phantom is a pop band.” “Well, I could tone it down for a while,” I said. “I’m not into changing my appearance to make others happy, but it’s been a long time since I dyed my hair black. It might be a fun change.” “That might be a good idea,” said Jordan. “It will give our fans a chance to get to know you. After that, if you want to go back to pink hair or whatever, they’ll adjust.” “Your pink hair rocks, dude!” said Ross. “Maybe I should dye mine!” “No,” said both Jordan and Kieran together.

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“You see how they treat me?” said Ross. “I’m glad you’re here, Cedi, once we get rid of Kieran, you and I can gang up on Jordan.” I grinned and shook my head. It was all almost too much to take in. “Now, let’s discuss some details…” said Jordan.








I didn’t go to school the next day. I had way too much to think about. My head was absolutely stuffed full. I’d stayed up late talking with Jordan, Kieran, and Ross. Jordan was right; there was a lot of business to the music business. There were more contracts to sign than I would’ve ever believed, concerning the actual tour, possible film rights, merchandising, and more. I hadn’t actually signed anything yet. No contracts had been drawn up, and Jordan suggested I get a lawyer to look everything over when the contracts were finished. My eyes about bugged out of my head when he told me how much money was potentially involved. When Jordan told me the minimum amount they’d guarantee me I was floored. Overnight my dreams had come true! I was going to be a rock star! I showered, then headed for Thad’s office downstairs. I was sure he’d be working, but I had news that just couldn’t wait. Thad was already asleep when I’d come in the night before, and he was already up and about by the time I’d awakened. I was barely through the door of Thad’s office before I announced, “I’m going on tour with Phantom!” “What?” Thad stood up, leaving his computer. Before he could say a word more I jumped into his arms and wrapped my legs around his midsection. I kissed him hard on the lips. “I’m going on tour with Phantom! That message Aunt Liz had for me? It was from Jordan! The guys were really impressed with my performance, and Kieran can’t play with a broken arm, so they asked me to replace him for the tour!” “You did have quite a night. No wonder you didn’t come back.” “I’m sorry. I should have called, but I was so excited!” “It’s okay, Cedi.” “Can you believe it?” I asked. “Of course. I told you on the stage at Phantom World that you could do it, that you had talent. I didn’t think it would happen so fast, but I’m not surprised.” I hugged Thad tightly, then leaned back to look at him.

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“I’m so excited! The tour starts in just a few weeks!” “This is going to mean a lot of changes in your life.” “Yeah, like school! I’m going to arrange to finish up this year with a tutor instead of attending high school. That will be so cool. I will miss some of my friends, though.” “It’s also going to mean a lot of changes in our lives.” Thad paused to make sure I was paying full attention. “It means the end of us, as boyfriends.” I froze. All the color drained from my face. I released Thad and took a step back. “We can still date,” I said. “We won’t get to see each other as much, but…” “Long-distance relationships don’t work, Cedi. I’ve been down this road before.” “Come with me then! Ralph travels with Jordan!” “I can’t write traveling around the world like that. I need peace and quiet; that’s why I returned to Blackford.” “You don’t have to work! I’m gonna make buckets of money! I’ll have plenty for both of us!” “Cedi, I don’t have to work as it is. The money means nothing to me.” “Then don’t work! Come with me!” “Writing isn’t just my job, Cedi. It’s who I am. I’m very happy that your dream is coming true, but this is my dream—to write my novels. This is all I’ve ever really cared about.” “But…but don’t you care about me?” I asked. I began to tear up. “Of course, I do, but you have to follow your dreams, Cedi, and so do I. That’s what life is all about. I could give up my writing to go with you, but I’d end up resenting you for it. It would pull us apart eventually. “Listen, I know this is hard, but we both knew that we were only temporary. We’re at different places in our lives and want different things. It was great while it lasted, Cedi, but now it’s over.” “I don’t want it to be over! I don’t want it to be temporary!” “I don’t want it to be over, either, Cedi, but you have a chance now to make your dreams come true.” “I’ll tell them I can’t do it. I’ll stay here with you.” “No, you won’t. All your life you’ve dreamed about being a rock star. Your time has come. You can’t pass up this opportunity, because you may never get another. Yeah, you could work your way up, but touring with Phantom will show the world what you’ve got, and once they see it, they’re going to want more. You can’t give up on your dream just to stay with me. I won’t let you.”

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“What do you mean?” “Whether you go on tour or not, what we have is over, and it can’t be put back together. The light that fell changed everything. I’m dumping you, Cedi.” “But, you can’t just…” “I can, and I just did.” I began to cry. Thad hugged me close. I angrily tried to shove him away, but he just held on tighter. I went limp in his arms and bawled into his shoulder. My body was racked with sobs. Thad just held me and petted my hair. Finally, after several long minutes, I grew quiet. I drew back and looked into his eyes. “The tour will only last a few months. What about when I come back?” “We’ll see, but a lot can change in a few months, Cedi.” “I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t think this would happen. I didn’t think I’d be leaving you so soon. I guess I didn’t think about it at all.” “Forget it,” said Thad, “I don’t even like you that much.” He grinned. “We could still make it work.” “No, Cedi, we can’t. I was serious when I said we were through. You’ll never get another chance like this. I can’t go with you, and I won’t hold you back. I won’t let you pass up this opportunity up for me. Sooner or later, you would hate me for it.” “I’d never hate you. Listen, Thad…” “No, Cedi. I know what you’re thinking, so I’m saving you the trouble. Believe me, this won’t be easy for me either, but it’s for the best.” I nearly started to cry again. “We can still be friends, can’t we?” “Of course we can still be friends. I intend to take advantage of you. When Phantom is near I expect some damned good tickets.” I giggled. “Front row center and backstage passes.” “I knew putting up with you would be worth something someday.” “Are you going to be okay?” I asked. “God, what an ego. You must really think you’re something.” I grinned. “You are, you know,” said Thad, quietly. “So are you. Damn, I’m going to miss you.” “I’m going to miss you too, kid.” “I’m not a kid.” “Are you kidding? I have socks that are older than you.” “You’ve said that before, and you do not have socks older than me!” Thad smiled.

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“I’ll be okay, and so will you.” “I don’t feel like I’m going to be okay,” I said, near tears. “Of course, you don’t. Later on you’ll cry some more and you’ll miss me, but each day will get a little easier until the pain is gone and only the good memories are left. Until that day, and beyond, you’ll remember that we’re still friends, and I’m only a phone call away. You’re setting out on a great adventure, Cedi, and you’re going to have the time of your life.” “I really do love you,” I said. “And I love you, you damned brat.” “I guess we can give this friends thing a shot, since you’ve left me no choice. Can we be friends with…benefits?” “You’d better believe it.” “Let’s go to your bedroom then. I’m gonna benefit you all day long.”

Toby “Hey, what’s up, Cedi?” “I’m just thinking.” I took a seat beside him on the park bench. “I didn’t see you in school today. Couldn’t stand your admirers anymore?” “Those girls are crazy, but I skipped because I had a lot of thinking to do today. A lot of stuff has happened.” “Yeah, I bet.” “I’m going on tour with Phantom.” “Are you serious?” I asked, my mouth dropping open. “Yeah.” “You don’t sound very happy about it. Isn’t being a rock star your dream?” “Yeah, and I am happy about it, but it’s just…I’m gonna miss Thad.” “Oh, I hadn’t thought about that. Couldn’t you ask him to go with you?” “I did.” “I guess that idea didn’t go over so well.” “No. He said long-distance relationships don’t work, then he dumped me.” “He dumped you—just like that?” “Yeah. He wasn’t mad or anything, but I mentioned turning down Phantom, and he dumped me. He said he wasn’t going to allow me to pass up the chance of a lifetime just to stay with him.” “You were really going to turn down Phantom? Are you crazy?” I realized I was practically shouting. I looked around, but there was no one in the park to overhear us. “Well, I was thinking about it. I don’t know what I would have decided. I didn’t get to think about it much, because Thad decided for me. He said we were over, whether I went with Phantom or not.” “That’s harsh.” - 208 -

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“Yes and no. It hurts, but I know why he did it. He’s convinced I should tour with Phantom and that a long-distance relationship won’t work.” “Well, he is a lot older. He probably knows what he’s talking about.” “You’re right, but…dammit, I love him!” “I’d say he loves you, too. He’s got to love you to do what he did.” “Yeah, but that’s just going to make going away that much harder. I miss him already, and I haven’t even left yet.” “Welcome to the broken-hearts club,” I said. “Oh damn, I’m sorry. I’m going on and on about me as if you don’t even exist. How are you getting along?” “I’m sad and lonely, but you know, I’m going to be okay. Things didn’t work out with Orlando, but I know this is for the best. As long as Kerry can cast his spell on him, Orlando and I have no future. It’s hard, but Orlando did the right thing when he ended things between us. He would have just hurt me again.” “It sounds like we were both dumped for our own good. So, what are you going to do, Toby?” “I’m going to go on living, go on looking. I never thought I’d find anyone, but I found Orlando. That didn’t work out, but it was great while it lasted. I found him, so maybe I can find someone else. I don’t really want someone else—I want Orlando—but I can’t have him, so what choice do I have but to go on?” “Yeah, you’re right. Maybe the same is true for me. I want Thad, but since I can’t have him, I guess I’ll just have to go on, too.” “Life sucks sometimes, huh?” I asked. “Yeah, but maybe there is someone else out there for me. I found Thad, cornered and captured him actually, so I can do it again.” I laughed. “Gonna bag you another one, huh?” “Yeah, who could turn down a cute rock star like me?” “Your modesty always amazes me.” Cedi grinned. “Well, I’m not a rock star—yet.” “You’re damn close. I’m nowhere near close to being a great anything.” “You’ll probably become a great actor.” “I don’t know about that.” “You were a kick-ass Peter Pan, and you were way hot in those tights.” “I’m a long way from being a great actor. I may end up as a drama teacher.” “What’s wrong with that? As long as you’re doing something you wanna do, that’s all that matters. Thad says there is nothing more important than follow-

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ing your dreams. He believes that so much he dumped me so I’d follow my dream.” “Yeah, you’re right of course, and so is Thad. Wow, I still can’t believe you’ll be touring with Phantom.” “I can’t believe I’m touring with them, either, or that I’ve somehow managed to be unhappy when I should be walking on air.” “You really love Thad, don’t you?” “Yeah, I do.” “Well, if you’re meant to be together, it will happen, no matter what you do. So go on tour, become famous, then see what happens. This tour could really open up things for you. You can start your own band or whatever when it’s done.” “This is beyond my dream come true. I always dreamed of being in a band like Phantom, but never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d be in Phantom.” “I’m so happy for you, Cedi.” “If my dreams can come true, so can yours, Toby.” “You know, this may sound weird, but I’ve always believed that to be true. Even though I’m feeling down right now because of Orlando, I still feel like everything is going to be okay.” “It is, Toby. I know you’ll be a success as an actor, and as far as relationships are concerned, you’ll find someone. I’ll tell ya somethin’, Toby, you are way cute, and you’re a truly nice guy. I know it might not seem like it now, but you will find someone. Believe me, I know what you’re feeling. When I think of Thad, I just want to start crying, but like you said, if we’re meant to be together, we will be. If we aren’t, well, I’ll always value what we had, and hopefully Thad and I will always remain friends.” “I want to be friends with Orlando, too. I’ve been kind of avoiding him, but I think I’m going to stop doing that. Maybe he’ll get Kerry worked out of his system someday. Maybe he won’t. Either way, I am going to find a great boyfriend, whether it’s Orlando or not.” “That’s the way to think about it,” said Cedi. “Yeah. I guess all we can do is go on living, right? Just keep on going and keep on trying—second star to the right and keep on flying.” “Hey, I may have to steal that for a song. Those are great lyrics, Toby!” “I’d better get a credit on the CD then! And tickets and backstage passes!” “Anything you want, Toby.” Cedi looked thoughtful for a moment and then smiled.

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“Hey, I’ve got an idea. Let’s do some of that living right now. I’m taking you out for ice cream. You wouldn’t believe how much I’m going to be making on this tour!” “If you’re going to be so rich, then I’m getting sprinkles.” “You are a wild man, Toby! You always shoot for the stars! Sprinkles! Wow! Come on.” Cedi and I stood up and together we walked across the park and toward our dreams.

The End

Other Books by Mark A. Roeder Listed in Suggested Reading Order s

Gay Youth Chronicles:

Ancient Prejudice Break to New Mutiny Mark is a boy who wants what we all want: to love and be loved. His dreams are realized when he meets Taylor, the boy of his dreams. The boys struggle to keep their love hidden from a world that cannot understand, but ultimately, no secret is safe in a small Mid-western town. Ancient Prejudice is a story of love, friendship, understanding, and an age-old prejudice that still has the power to kill. It is a story for young and old, gay and straight. It reminds us all that everyone should be treated with dignity and respect and that there is nothing greater than the power of love.

The Soccer Field Is Empty The Soccer Field Is Empty is a revised and much expanded edition of Ancient Prejudice. It is more than 50% longer and views events from the point of view of Taylor, as well as Mark. There is so much new in the revised edition that it is being published as a separate novel. Soccer Field delves more deeply into the events of Mark and Taylor’s lives and reveals previously hidden aspects of Taylor’s personality.

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Authors note: I suggest readers new to my books start with Soccer Field instead of Ancient Prejudice as it gives a more complete picture of the lives of Mark and Taylor. For those who wish to read the original version, Ancient Prejudice will remain available for at least the time being.

Someone Is Watching It’s hard hiding a secret. It’s even harder keeping that secret when someone else knows. Someone Is Watching is the story of Ethan, a young high school wrestler who must come to terms with being gay. He struggles first with himself, then with an unknown classmate that hounds his every step. While struggling to discover the identity of his tormentor, Ethan must discover his own identity and learn to live his life as his true self. He must choose whether to give up what he wants the most, or face his greatest fear of all.

A Better Place High school football, a hospital of horrors, a long journey, and an unlikely love await Brendan and Casper as they search for a better place… Casper is the poorest boy in school. Brendan is the captain of the football team. Casper has nothing. Brendan has it all: looks, money, popularity, but he lacks the deepest desire of his heart. The boys come from different worlds, but have one thing in common that no one would guess. Casper goes through life as the “invisible boy”; invisible to the boys that pick on him in school, invisible to his abusive father, and invisible most of all to his older brother, who makes his life a living hell. He can’t believe his good luck when Brendan, the most popular boy in school, takes an interest in him and becomes his friend. That friendship soon travels in a direction that Casper would never have guessed. A Better Place is the story of an unlikely pair, who struggle through friendship and betrayal, hardships and heartbreaks, to find the desire of their hearts, to find a better place.

Someone Is Killing The Gay Boys of Verona Someone is killing the gay boys of Verona, Indiana, and only one gay youth stands in the way. He finds himself pitted against powerful foes, but finds allies in places he did not expect.

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A brutal murder. Gay ghosts. A Haunted Victorian-Mansion. A cult of hate. A hundred year old ax murder. All this, and more, await sixteen-year-old Sean as he delves into the supernatural and races to discover the murderer before he strikes again. Someone is Killing the Gay Boys of Verona is a supernatural murder mystery that goes where no gay novel has set foot before. It is a tale of love, hate, friendship, and revenge.

Keeper of Secrets Sixteen-year-old Avery is in trouble, yet again, but this time he’s in over his head. On the run, Avery is faced with hardships and fear. He must become what he’s always hated, just to survive. He discovers new reasons to hate, until fate brings him to Graymoor Mansion and he discovers a disturbing connection to the past. Through the eyes of a boy, murdered more than a century before, Avery discovers that all is not as he thought. Avery is soon forced to face the greatest challenge of all; looking into his own heart. Sean is head over heels in love with his new boyfriend, Nick. There is trouble in paradise, however. Could a boy so beautiful really love plain, ordinary Sean? Sean cannot believe it and desperately tries to transform himself into the ideal young hunk, only to learn that it’s what’s inside that matters. Keeper of Secrets is the story of two boys, one a gay youth, the other an adolescent gay basher. Fate and the pages of a hundred year old journal bring them together and their lives are forever changed.

Do You Know That I Love You The lead singer of the most popular boy band in the world has a secret. A tabloid willing to tell all turns his world upside down. In Do You Know That I Love You, Ralph, a young gay teen living on a farm in Indiana, has an aching crush on a rock star and wants nothing more than to see his idol in concert. Meanwhile, Jordan, the rock star, is lonely and sometimes confused with his success, because all he wants is someone to love him and feels he will never find the love he craves. Do You Know is the story of two

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teenage boys, their lives, desires, loves, and a shared destiny that allows them both to find peace.

Masked Destiny Masked Destiny is the story of Skye, a high school athlete determined to be the Alpha male. Skye’s obsessed with his own body, his Abercrombie & Fitch wardrobe, and keeping those around him in their place. Try as he might, he’s not quite able to ignore the world around him, or the plight of gay boys that cross his path. Too frightened of what others might think, Skye fails to intervene when he could have saved a boy with a single word. The resulting tragedy, wise words for a mysterious blond boy, and a unique opportunity combine to push Skye toward his destiny. Oliver is young, a bit pudgy, and interested in little more than his books and possibly his first kiss. As he slowly gains courage, he seeks out the friendship of Clay, his dream boy, in hopes they will become more than friends. Oliver is sought out in turn by Ken, who warns him Clay is not at all what he seems, but Ken, too, has his secrets. Oliver must choose between them and discovers danger, a link to boys murdered in the recent past, and the answers to secrets he’d never dreamed.

Altered Realities Marshall only wanted to help his friends, to undo the pain of the past, but a few moments of thoughtless action changed everything. Altered Realities is the tale of a changed world. All bets are off. Nothing is as it was and what is to be is transformed too. Mark, Taylor, Ethan, Nathan, Brendan, Casper and nearly the entire cast of the Gay Youth Chronicles come together in a tapestry of tales as they all try to deal with the consequences of Marshall’s actions. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

This Time Around What happens when a TV evangelist struggles to crush gay rights? Who better to halt his evil plans than the most famous rock star in the world? This Time Around follows Jordan and Ralph as they become involved in a struggle with Reverend Wellerson, a TV evangelist, over the fate of gay youth centers. Wellerson is willing to stop at nothing to crush gay rights and who better to halt his evil plans than the most famous rock star in the entire world?

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While battling Wellerson, Jordan seeks to come to terms with his own past and learn more about the father he never knew. The excitement builds when an assassin is hired and death becomes a real possibility for Jordan and those around him. Jordan is forced to face his own fears and doubts and the battle within becomes more dangerous than the battle without. Will Jordan be able to turn from the path of destruction, or is he doomed to follow in the footsteps of his father? This time around, things will be different.

The Summer of My Discontent The Summer of My Discontent is a tapestry of tales delving into life as a gay teen in a small Midwestern town. Dane is a sixteen-year-old runaway determined to start a new life of daring, love, and sex—no matter the cost to himself, or others. His actions bring him to the brink of disaster and only those he sought to prey upon can save him. Among Dane’s new found “friends” are a young male prostitute and the local grave robber who becomes his despised employer. The boys of A Better Place are back—Ethan, Nathan, Brendan, and Casper are once again dealing with trouble in Verona, Indiana. Drought and circumstance threaten their existence and they struggle together to save themselves from blackmail, financial collapse, and temptation. Brendan must cope with anonymity after being one of the most popular boys in school. Casper must face his own past—the loss of his father and the fate of his abusive brother, who is locked away in the very hospital of horrors from which Brendan escaped. Letters from his brother force Casper to question his feelings—is Jason truly a monster or can he change? Dark, foreboding, and sexy—The Summer of My Discontent is the tale of gay teens seeking to find themselves, each other, and a better place.

Outfield Menace Outfield Menace is the tale of Kurt, a fifteen-year-old baseball player, living in a small, 1950s, Indiana town. During a confrontation with Angel, the resident bad boy of Blackford High School, Kurt attacks Angel, earning the wrath of the most dangerous gang in town. When Angel finally corners Kurt, however, something happens that Kurt wouldn’t have imagined in his wildest dreams. As the murder of a local boy is uncovered, suspicion is cast upon Angel, but Kurt has learned there’s more to Angel than his bad boy image. Angel has a secret, however, that could get both Kurt and himself killed. Outfield Menace is a story of friendship, love, adventure, and perilous danger.

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Phantom World Toby Riester is sixteen, gay, and searching for his first boyfriend. He discovers many potential candidates—Orlando, a cute sixteen year old boy of Latin ancestry who works with Toby at the Phantom World amusement park—C.T., a blond, seventeen year old who is obviously gay—and Spike, a well-built sixteen year old from the internet. Each boy has his own seductive qualities and each is more than his seems. One of them, however, is far more dangerous than Toby ever guessed. Orlando finds himself a girlfriend at Phantom World, but that’s only the beginning of his story. When he meets his girlfriend’s twin brother, Kerry, his world is turned upside down. Mackenzie Riester is the athletic younger brother of Toby. He has little respect for his queer big brother and joins with his new found friend, Billy, in playing an elaborate practical joke on Toby that becomes more perilous than he ever dreamed. Phantom World is the story of three very different boys—their triumphs, heartaches, and their search for love and acceptance.

Second Star To The Right Cedi, an eighteen-year-old British import to the town of Blackford, Indiana, is determined to be a rock star. No one quite knows what to make of the new wild boy in town with his blue hair and overpowering-enthusiasm—not the jocks he torments in revenge, nor his new friends Toby and Orlando. Cedi is certain of his future until his path crosses that of Thad, a tall, dark, older man who tells Cedi he has no talent. Cedi is infuriated, but intrigued. He becomes obsessed with Thad, who wants nothing to do with him. Cedi isn’t about to give up, however, and wedges his way into Thad’s life. Cedi finds himself caught between his love for Thad and his dream. Just when he has what he thinks he wants, his adventure truly begins…

Other Books

The Vampires Heart Ever wonder what it would be like to be fifteen-years-old forever? Ever wonder how it would feel to find out your best friend is not what he seems? Graham Granger is intrigued by the new boy in school. Graham’s heart aches for a

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friend, and maybe a boyfriend, but is Josiah the answer to his dreams? Why is Bry Hartnett, the school hunk, taking an interest in Graham as well? When strange happenings begin to occur at Griswold Jr./Sr. High, Graham’s once boring life becomes more exciting than he can handle. Mystery, intrigue, and danger await Graham as he sets out on an adventure he never dreamed possible.