Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens
Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is for my Daddy and my Papa to live together again. Love, Tegan
"ARE you sure that's what you want?" Peter asked his daughter after reading the letter she'd written in the hesitant and uneven handwriting of a six-year-old. "What about that doll you saw at Toys “R” Us? The one who could walk and talk and sing songs with you." Tegan was adamant. No. She shook her head determinedly. "Why can't Daddy move back in with us here? I liked it better when Daddy was still living here. I don't like going to his house every week." She pouted, and Peter could only resist her for so long, so he pulled her closer and cuddled her. He knew how much she hated the separation, but he and Lenn had broken up quite acrimoniously and only stayed in contact because of 2
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens her. They were barely on speaking terms as it was. "Honey, you know it's not your fault. Sometimes people fight all the time, and then it's better that they don't live together anymore. You wouldn't want Daddy and me to fight all the time, would you?" Tegan shook her head and pouted some more. "But you and Daddy didn't fight that much. Just on the day he left." Peter cuddled her again and put her letter into an envelope. "We'll mail it tomorrow, okay? Then if you change your mind, you can still add that doll to your letter." Tegan nodded reluctantly and snuggled deeper into her duvet. With one more kiss, Peter left his daughter to fall asleep in her pink princess bed, complete with canopy and a little golden crown, and surrounded by all her toys and books. He looked back one more time, trying to avoid the one picture of the three of them still left in the apartment. It stood on Tegan's night stand and it was clearly a picture of happier times, with the two of them smiling broadly and Tegan beaming as she stood between her two fathers. Peter knew she was unhappy about the separation from Lenn, but there wasn't much he could do about it. Lenn had found someone else, and when Peter found out, their perfect little family life was shattered. Now they were going to spend another Christmas apart, with Tegan being shuttled between
3
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens their apartments so she could spend part of the holiday with each of her dads. During evenings like this, when there wasn't much to do other than finish some stuff for work, and with Tegan pulling his heartstrings, Peter missed Lenn the most. He couldn't just put a fifteen-year relationship behind him as easily as Lenn had. He hadn't moved on. Peter gathered up some scattered papers and put them in a neat pile, and then proceeded to the kitchen where he had dishes to do from dinner. He barely used the dishwasher anymore these days. It seemed like such a waste for just the two of them, and besides, doing the dishes by hand gave him something to do on nights when the loneliness became too stifling. Fifteen minutes and a spotless kitchen later, Peter was in the living room and behind his computer. Ever since Tegan came into his life, Peter made sure he left his office early enough to pick her up, first from day care, then from school, but the consequence of that was that he had to do some work every night after he'd put her to bed, especially when there was a deadline coming up. This week was no different. The author whose book he was editing right now was a pain in the ass who changed his mind every five minutes, so it was taking twice as long to get the manuscript ready for publication. Yet, the man was his biggest client, and Peter had discovered him. Every single one of his novels had made it to the New York Times Bestseller List, so really, 4
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens this writer was paying Peter's bills. He wasn't about to argue with the man any more than was necessary to get the novel ready. When Peter looked up from his screen again, it was way past midnight, and he was cold and thirsty. Another day in single parent hell over.
"I'M late already and you know I can never be late on Wednesdays," Lenn told his assistant. "Figure it out, that's what I pay you for." He packed up his cameras and swung the heavy equipment bag over his shoulder before gently placing it in the van that had his name on it. Without looking at him, he handed the clueless looking young man his keys and ran into the subway, hoping the trains wouldn't be too crowded so he could make it in time to be at Tegan's school when the bell rang. No such luck, though. By the time he ran up the street, she was sitting on the steps of her school building, her pink backpack strapped to her back and a look on her face that never ceased to remind Lenn of Peter. Even the after school supervisor gave Lenn the feeling he was the worst parent in the world for being five minutes late. "Hello, Princess," Lenn greeted her, sitting down next to the little girl. "Did you miss me?" For a moment she gave him her best angry stare, but
5
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens then she caved and flung her arms around Lenn's neck. "Oh, Daddy! I missed you so much!" "Not as much as I missed you, Princess," Lenn murmured against her neck as he squeezed her tightly, just to remind himself that she was going to be with him again for a whole week. As he let go of her and got up, he held out his hand, and she took it. These were the moments Lenn cherished. There was nothing like picking his daughter up from school and walking towards the little Italian restaurant downstairs from his apartment so they could have dinner together. For over a year now, this had been their little ritual on their first day together. "So how was your week?" Tegan smiled at him as she skipped along the pavement. "School was fun. We're going to make Christmas ornaments to hang on the tree, so I told my teacher I had to make two of everything because I was going to have two trees." "And what did she say about that?" Lenn asked her, hoping the teacher hadn't given Tegan a hard time about it. "Oh, nothing," Tegan shrugged. "Lisa was jealous of my two trees and that Santa is going to bring me presents twice, but Raymond and Kayla also have two trees with their mummy and daddy, because they have two families. Are you going to start a family again too, Daddy?"
6
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens Lenn shook his head. "Probably not." 'Unless your Papa wants me back,' he wanted to add, but knew that he couldn't give her false hope. He had broken up their family, and he knew he would regret that for the rest of his life. All he could do now was make it as painless as possible for his daughter. "So are you going to write your letter to Santa tonight so we can mail it off to him tomorrow? You wouldn't want it to arrive after he's left the North Pole, right?" She stopped skipping and looked up at him. "I wrote one at Papa's house." Lenn smiled, wondering if he was going to have to call Peter to make sure they didn't buy their daughter the same things. "You said yourself that Santa was going to have to come and bring you presents twice, so you better write him another letter. Just make sure you don't ask for the same thing again," he added, hoping this would save him an awkward phone call. Tegan nodded and ran up to the restaurant door. "Can I open it, Daddy?" "Sure thing, Princess. And you can order too." Lenn knew she ordered the same thing every time, so it was safe enough to let her take charge. Once they were seated at their regular table and waiting for their order, Lenn grabbed Tegan's backpack and
7
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens took out her notebook and pencil case. "Why don't you make a list of the things you want to ask Santa?" She shook her head determinedly. "I know what I want to ask him. The same thing I asked him in Papa's letter." Lenn smiled at her, even though he knew it was going to be hard to change his daughter's mind. "If you ask for the same thing twice, then Santa's going to get confused, Princess." "I'll make him a drawing," she stated, a self-assured look on her face. Later that night, after they got home to Lenn's apartment and he put her to bed with a story, Lenn was alone again. He was happy to have the company of his daughter on alternate weeks, but after a year, it was still difficult to adjust to the difference between the two weeks. He could only guess how hard it was on his little princess. His apartment was nowhere near as luxurious as the house he'd shared with Peter, and although Lenn had tried to buy Tegan nice things for her room, it was nowhere near as big or as pink as her room in Peter's house. As Lenn opened Tegan's backpack and took out the work folder that the children brought home every week, there was a letter sticking out, as if it had been quickly inserted there. He took it out of the folder, and although he had trouble reading his daughter's erratic writing, the words made him swallow hard.
8
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens Dear Santa, I don't want any toys this year, but please, please, please, let my Daddy come home again. Love, Tegan
Lenn felt his eyes fill with tears, and he put the letter on the coffee table. It was all his fault that his daughter was miserable. After all, he was the one to blame for the break up. He walked to his daughter's room and stood in the doorway, watching her sleep among her stuffed toys and furry animals, and tried to think of a way to make it better.
A
WEEK later, on the evening of the day Lenn dropped his
daughter back at school knowing he wouldn't see her for another week, he got a frantic phone call from her, telling him she had forgotten her inhaler at his apartment. Lenn knew it was past her bedtime, but he also knew that she needed her inhaler in case she got an asthma attack, so he grabbed it from its usual place on the kitchen counter and ran outside to make his way over to Peter's house. Ten minutes and a short subway ride later, he stood in front of the house he'd bought years ago together with 9
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens Peter after they'd decided that adopting a child was what they wanted to do. It was only then that he realised he wasn't ready to see that door open. It did though, and before Lenn could gather his courage, he was face-to-face with the man he'd only had absolutely necessary phone conversations with during the past year. "What do you want?" Peter asked gruffly after noticing who his visitor was. "Tegan called to say she'd forgotten her inhaler and...." "I have a spare. She knows that," Peter cut him off. "Fine," Lenn replied, sarcasm dripping off his voice. "I didn't think. She sounded scared, so I thought I'd bring it. I'm sorry I inconvenienced you, but I was only looking out for her best interests." Peter sighed and seemed to give in. He even smiled a little. "You're right. I'm the one who should apologize. I know exactly how persuasive she can be." A silence fell between them as they were both at a loss for words. "I'd invite you in, but if she hears you she'll get up again, and it's a school night. Besides, I don't want to give her false hope," Peter rambled. "I know." Lenn understood it all too well. Tegan would be beside herself if she heard he was here. "I'll be quiet?"
10
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens Lenn tried. Peter looked at him with that steely blue stare Lenn remembered all too well and then pulled him inside. "You're wet," he remarked, wiping his hand on his jeans after he'd closed the door. "Weather's miserable out there," Lenn answered, his voice barely a whisper. "TV room?" he asked. Lenn knew this was the one place where Tegan couldn't hear them from her room, because they'd used it for all sorts of things that were best kept away from little ears, like having sex or arguing. Since the latter was more vivid in his memory than the former, Lenn didn't feel very relaxed. Peter left him to his own devices. Lenn knew his way around the house anyway, and Lenn couldn't help but look around, trying to see what had changed in the year since he'd been there last. By the time Peter returned with coffee for himself and tea for Lenn – just the right strength and with a little milk, just the way Lenn liked it – Lenn had figured out that everything was still the same. The furniture hadn't moved, no walls were repainted, even the souvenirs from their world travels, collected before Tegan entered their lives, were still present all around the house. "House looks nice," Lenn remarked after drinking a few sips of piping hot tea. "It's still the same," Peter replied, and for the first time in ages, Lenn saw the timid man he fell in love with again.
11
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens He couldn't let his mind go there, though. Peter had made it very clear that he would never be able to forgive him for what he'd done, and Lenn couldn't blame him. If the shoe were on the other foot, he'd probably feel the same. "So what are your plans for Christmas?" Lenn asked simply to defuse the tense situation. He knew where Tegan would spend her time since they'd discussed that beforehand with their lawyers. "Mom's coming over for Christmas day, and my brothers too, if they can make it, so it'll just be a family Christmas. You?" Peter asked. Lenn didn't have any family in this area. He'd left them all behind when he'd moved in with Peter, and, when they'd decided to take up residence in New York, this hadn't gone down well with his side of the family. Christmas was going to be a pretty lonely affair. "I promised Tegan I'd take her ice skating," he answered, purposely being vague. The last thing he wanted was to make Peter pity him. In fact, it was probably better if he went home. "Time for me to go, I think," Lenn announced after finishing his tea. Normally he would walk towards the kitchen and put his mug in the dishwasher, but since this wasn't his house anymore, he felt he couldn't. Peter seemed to sense his unease and took the cup from him. "Okay, maybe that's best."
12
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens When they reached the door, Peter held Lenn back. "I was wondering if you wanted to spend Christmas day with us." Lenn thought Peter sounded hesitant and none too sure of himself, but he felt his heart jump anyway. He knew not to get his hopes up, but at least it was one step toward being forgiven for what he'd done. Even though he might never be able to get close to Peter again, it would be nice if the two of them could at least be friendly. Tegan would certainly like that. "Are you sure?" Lenn asked, wondering why Peter would now suddenly ask him when they'd barely spoken about anything other than their daughter for the last thirteen months. "Tegan asked Santa to get her Daddy and her Papa together again," Peter asked. His voice was muffled so it wouldn't carry as far as Tegan's bedroom. "Now, I explained to her that even Santa's power didn't stretch that far, but I thought that just for Christmas we could spend the afternoon together, and then after dinner you could take her to your apartment to sleep." Lenn smiled slightly. "She asked for the same thing in the letter she wrote at my house. She wanted me to come home again." Lenn couldn't help letting the hope he felt shine through in his voice. Peter swallowed. "I don't want her to ... Lenn, I can't. I
13
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens can't let you come back." "I know," Lenn answered, his voice barely audible. "It's going to be hard to make her understand, and I have tried to explain it to her, but all we can ever be again is friends. I can do that for her." Lenn could tell how emotional Peter was getting. "Friends I can do," he hastily answered, hoping it would help Peter stay in control of himself. "And I'll help explain it to Tegan." He turned toward the door, and then changed his mind. "And I'd love to come for Christmas. Is there anything I can bring?" Peter seemed to be relaxed enough to smile again. "No, that's okay. Unless your cooking has dramatically improved over the last year?" "No," Lenn had to admit. "I still only barely manage not to poison us." This seemed to amuse Peter. "Mom and I will cook. Just don't be late. The festivities start at noon." "Yeah, I remember," Lenn replied. He hesitated for a moment and then quickly leaned towards Peter so he could kiss him on the cheek. He ignored his ex's startled expression. "Thank you." "You're welcome," Peter answered automatically. Lenn turned around and walked out the door. He
14
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens didn't look back, afraid he'd see something to make his happy cloud evaporate. Although Peter had made it clear that they could never be a couple again, he hadn't closed the door completely. Peter wanted the two of them to be friends, for Tegan's sake, and that was as good a starting point as any. And maybe, just maybe, he would be able to show Peter he'd changed. That he'd finally grown up. It was still raining outside, but this time, Lenn didn't care. He was going to be spending Christmas with his favorite people, and even though their bond had suffered this past year, it still felt good. After all, they were doing this for their daughter, honoring the commitment they made when they adopted her. Being just friends with Peter wasn't going to be easy, but for his princess he would do anything it took to make her happy.
PETER leaned against the heavy, intricately carved wooden door, recalling what had just happened. Had he really invited Lenn for Christmas? Man, he could barely keep his hands off him as it was. Now he was going to have to spend an entire day with him, in the presence of his mother and his daughter and possibly his brothers too. He’d still keep up the front that there was no way they could ever be more than just friends and that they were only being nice to each other because of Tegan. As he moved away from the door and walked toward
15
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens the back of the house, he was grateful the trousers he was wearing were loose-fitting and that it was cold enough to wear one of his thick, Scandinavian sweaters, since both helped to hide exactly what seeing Lenn again did to his body. Peter touched his cheek. He could still feel where Lenn had kissed him; it made his cock take notice even more. Damn, why did that man do this to him? Peter quickly passed by Tegan's room to make sure she was asleep, and then briskly walked into his bedroom, ridding himself of his sweater and lowering his trousers. He didn't even make it as far as the bed before he took his rockhard cock in his hand and grabbed at it tightly. Leaning against the door, he fisted himself rapidly until he came hard, Lenn's name on his lips.
TWO weeks before Christmas, Lenn was in the middle of an industrial photo shoot in the harbor when his cell phone rang. The name on the display said 'Peter', and he picked it up casually, thinking it was just his ex phoning up to arrange something for Tegan. "Lenn? I need to talk to you about something. Can you meet me in about half an hour?" Lenn gestured at his assistant that he needed to take this call and turned around for some privacy. "I'm kind of in the middle of something right now. What is this about?" He
16
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens looked at his watch and noticed it was around the time Peter would have to leave to pick up their daughter. "I'm sorry to bother you," Peter apologized. "Never mind." "Peter!" Lenn called out, afraid Peter would disconnect the call. "I'm working right now. One of the big firms in the harbor just installed a new heavy duty crane, and they wanted fancy photos for their portfolio. I have about another half hour to work and then I'm done, but it will take me a while to get across town. Don't you have to pick up Tegan?" "Yes, I do," Peter replied. "But she's got a birthday party to go to right afterward, and it's just around the corner from Castro's, so I thought maybe we could meet up there." Lenn sighed. He liked Castro's. Back in the days when he first met Peter there, it was a notorious gay hotspot with covered windows and dark interiors, but now the whole street had been refurbished and the place had also received a drastic makeover. During the day it was a bright, open café that served great coffee where both straight and gay couples felt at home. On weekend nights, the mostly older gay clientele often came back to celebrate their nostalgia for the olden days. Although he and Peter often used to meet there for a quick coffee when they were still together, Lenn hadn't been back there since the split. He didn't look forward to going there now. Then it dawned on him that maybe Peter hadn't
17
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens chosen this location simply because it was around the corner from where he had to be. Maybe there was another reason? Lenn looked at his watch again. "Give me about 45 minutes, give or take some for the traffic," he answered resolutely before disconnecting the phone. "Terry!" he called out to his assistant. "Let's finish this job before we lose the light." No need to tell him he was going out on a date.
PETER had dropped his daughter off at the apartment of one of the parents of her friends for a birthday party, and he wouldn't need to pick her up again for another three hours. Taking the subway home during rush hour wasn't his favorite thing to do, so in a spur of the moment decision, he'd called Lenn under the pretence that they had things to discuss. He hadn't really expected Lenn to agree, but after he did, Peter was stuck with finding a reason for his call that didn't give Lenn too much hope for a renewed future together. After all, what had happened more than a year ago had made certain Peter could never really trust Lenn again, and if Peter wanted one thing in a relationship, it was absolute trust. After walking into the café, Peter looked around the eclectic sofas for a place to sit, but eventually settled for a bar stool. He'd just been given his cup of mocha when a
18
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens good-looking young fellow hit on him. "You don't come here often?" the youth questioned. "I used to," Peter answered, trying to look disinterested, but unable to resist a stealthy look. "Don't have time now that I'm a dad." He hoped that the guy would think he was straight and back off. No such luck though. "But you can't resist coming back here when you feel like having a piece of ass?" Peter was a little surprised by the guy's forwardness, but then he hadn't dated in the last fifteen years, so maybe times had drastically changed? He suddenly longed for the days of crafty and imaginative sexual innuendo, despite the fact that the kid was exactly the physical type that turned him on. "Now what makes you think that?" Peter asked, trying to sound annoyed, but not succeeding. "You don't really look like the type to have a missus at home. At least not one who caters to your particular needs, if you know what I mean?" Peter had just taken a long hard look at the youth and decided he looked more like rentboy material than boyfriend material, when Lenn walked into the cafe. "Listen, my boyfriend's here, and he's the jealous type, so if you want to walk out of here, you better start now."
19
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens From the corner of his eye, Peter saw that Lenn had spotted him and was making his way over to where he was sitting. Since the rentboy wasn't budging, Peter knew he'd have to make it a bit clearer to the kid that his advances weren't appreciated, so he got up from his stool. "Lenn, darling!" he shouted demonstratively. Peter grabbed the back of Lenn's head and planted a firm kiss on his lips. He then draped his arm over Lenn's shoulder and spun him around so the rentboy couldn't see Lenn's surprised expression. "Let's go find us a more private place to sit." Leaving the rest of his coffee and the baffled rentboy by the counter, Peter steered Lenn towards one of the free sofas in the corner. "What was that about?" Lenn asked Peter when they arrived at the darkened area. He sounded annoyed and a little startled. Peter sighed, knowing exactly what it looked like. He decided honesty was the best policy. "That guy was trying to pick me up, and he didn't take no for an answer so I told him you were my boyfriend. I had to make it look real." Lenn smiled in amusement and looked over at the bar where the jilted youth was still hanging around. "You should have taken him up on it. He's cute and exactly your type." "He's a bit young," Peter remarked dryly. "Shall I order
20
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens you some tea?" he asked just to change the subject. "I'll go get some," Lenn answered, getting up before Peter could object. Peter watched Lenn flounce over to the counter and order drinks. Then he saw him move towards the rentboy and strike up a conversation. That uneasy feeling of betrayal started to take hold of him again. Damn! He had no reason to be jealous. Lenn was no longer his, so he could do as he pleased, yet the little green devil was making Peter see red. Just as the server gave Lenn his order, he must have said something to the youth, because rentboy started apologizing to Lenn. Peter couldn't hear the words that were being said, but their body language spoke for them. Seeing the victorious expression on Lenn's face when he returned to their sofa made Peter very curious. "There you go. Large mocha with extra sugar for you," Lenn said triumphantly. "What happened over there?" Peter asked as he accepted the mug. "I told him that I had friends in low places, and if he ever laid another finger on you, I'd personally make sure some 300-pound ex-con would make him his bitch." Peter sighed and closed his eyes. This felt too close to home. They used to play this game when they still went out, before Tegan came into their lives. They'd defend each other
21
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens from the men that tried to hit on them and then, after a few hours of flirting with strangers, they'd go home and work off their sexual energy. Whoever got hit on the most would get the other at his beck and call for the night. In all that time, they'd never been unfaithful to each other, but seeing how much others wanted them or their lover was a heck of a way to work around a lull in their relationship. "Hey?" Lenn said to attract his attention. "Did you think I was going to pick him up?" "I have to admit it had crossed my mind." Lenn grew silent. Although Peter had seen this in his ex-lover more and more over the past year, he still couldn't get used to seeing him any way less than exuberant. "I'm not the slut you seem to think I am," Lenn said quietly. "We're not together anymore, Lenn. Who you go home with at the end of the day is no longer any of my business." Peter's statement didn't seem to cheer Lenn up. "I think I better leave." Lenn got up from the sofa and walked away; then he seemed to change his mind, and he walked back to where Peter was still sitting. "I don't think we discussed whatever it was you dragged me all the way across town for, right?" "No, we didn't," Peter answered. He patted the seat next to him. "Sit down. Please?"
22
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens Lenn reluctantly sat down and immediately got up again. "I think I need something stronger than tea. You?" Peter shrugged, smiling slightly. "A beer, maybe?" Lenn nodded, and Peter watched him walking away. He desperately wanted to keep Lenn here a bit longer, not just because he still had two hours to kill, but also because he wanted to try to get over the conflicting feelings he was having where Lenn was concerned. On the one hand, he didn't trust Lenn anymore, but on the other hand, the feelings he had for his ex-lover had only flared up again after the night Lenn had appeared at his house. How could he still love a man he couldn't trust? Or was it just lust? Was it the memory of their rather prolific sex life that was bugging Peter? Even after almost fifteen years of being together, Peter still considered Lenn an incredibly dashing figure; he liked his artistically unruly dark curls and his olive skin, mostly unblemished, but dotted with the occasional freckle; he could drown in his deep brown eyes, which always seemed to harbor some sort of mischief; and whenever Lenn got a little closer to him, Peter had a hard time keeping his hands off the tight, lean body that Lenn had always had, despite the fact he never, ever worked out. When Lenn returned to the sofa carrying two imported Belgian beers, Peter had to shake himself out of his reverie. He was getting too turned on for his own good. "So talk to me," Lenn said rather sternly before taking a good swig from the large round glass his beer was served 23
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens in. "I wanted to talk to you about Christmas." Lenn sighed. "Well, I can't say I didn't expect this. It was all a bit too good to be true, but I appreciate you telling me face to face." Peter was a little puzzled. "You think I want to withdraw my invitation?" Somewhat hesitantly, Lenn nodded. Peter smiled and shook his head. "No, silly. I wanted to get some things out of the way so we wouldn't be too tense around each other when we need to spend a whole day together." Lenn smiled, relief clearly relaxing the worry lines in his face. "There's all sorts of things we never talked about because we broke up so suddenly, and it hurt too much to discuss then. I thought maybe this was a good occasion to get them off our chests so the tension wouldn't crush us on the day." Lenn nodded. "You know how impossible Tegan gets when she feels the strain between us." "Exactly. I wanted to do this for her," Peter agreed resolutely.
24
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens Lenn leaned back on the sofa and seemed a lot more relaxed all of a sudden. "So are you still seeing him?" Peter asked, purposely not looking at Lenn, but at the large crowd that was rowdily leaving the cafe. "Him?" Lenn asked, stressing the pronoun, because he knew Peter would never say his name. "No, Peter, I'm no longer seeing him. That was over almost before it started. As soon as he found out he broke us up, he fled." Peter nodded, still looking at everything except his conversation partner. Lenn was a little startled at the speed with which Peter had come to the point. "And it was the worst mistake of my life." "Letting him go?" Peter asked. Lenn sighed, exasperated. "No, Peter. Sleeping around behind your back was the worst mistake of my life, and I'll pay for it until my dying day. You'll certainly make sure of that." "Lenn, I'm...." Peter took Lenn's hand, and Lenn felt some of the tension leave him. Peter's calmness always had that effect on him, and he was glad of it now. The frustration bubbling up inside him would have otherwise caused him to say things he would regret later, adding to all the other things he had regrets about.
25
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens "I'm sorry, Lenny, but I think I had every right to stop trusting you." Lenn nodded. When he finally grasped the courage to look at Peter, he saw acceptance there as if he was being forgiven. But he knew that couldn't be the case. Peter had told him numerous times, even before the infidelity, that he would never be able to forgive him if he was unfaithful. "There hasn't been anyone else, since ... since him," Lenn declared, not wanting to use his name for fear of turning Peter against him again. Not now they were making amends. "I know," Peter replied. "You know?" Lenn asked, his eyebrows raised in surprise. "I asked Tegan. And Cath," Peter admitted. Lenn's eyebrows practically disappeared into his hairline. "You asked our daughter and the one mutual friend we still have about my sex life?" Peter rolled his eyes. "I'm sorry. I had no right, I know that, but...." After a few moments of hesitation, Peter leaned over towards Lenn and kissed him full on the mouth. Lenn would have pulled back if he hadn't been pushed into the plush sofa by Peter's weight. And if it hadn't felt so damn glorious. It didn't take him long to kiss Peter back. The
26
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens familiar taste of his lover, ex-lover, was still exactly the same as he remembered, and his body instantly reacted to it. When Peter finally retreated, Lenn's fighting streak surfaced though. "So what gives you the right to just kiss me like that? Do you seriously think you can just do as you please after torturing me for over a year?" Peter shyly looked around to see who had paid attention to Lenn's outburst, knowing full well that Lenn didn't give a hoot about who heard him. Most of the patrons still left in the café were engaged in their own conversations and had probably not even heard Lenn. Two women sitting nearby were looking at them with conspiratorial smiles and compassion in their eyes, so Peter looked at Lenn again. "Lenn, just calm down." Peter paused for a moment to let the words sink in with Lenn. "I'm no saint, Lenny. You hurt me, and for the longest time I couldn't stand you anywhere near me. If it wasn't for Tegan, I would have moved someplace else, somewhere I didn't need to bump into you at every corner." Peter looked directly at Lenn. "Do you know what it's like to be betrayed by someone you love? I kept asking myself why. Why did you feel you needed someone else? Wasn't I good enough for you anymore? Why was I no longer enough?" Peter saw Lenn panic, so he smiled to defuse the situation. "Don't answer that. I don't think I'm ready to know." Lenn leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. "I don't know what happened. I stopped putting you 27
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens and Tegan first. It was a fling, Peter; I had no intention of leaving you for him. I know this doesn't excuse me, but I hope it makes you realize that it wasn't your fault. It was mine, and I've never regretted anything as much as I regret that." Peter put his hand on the back of Lenn's neck and squeezed lovingly. He didn't know what this was leading to, but he wanted to trust Lenn again, even if it was just to trust him enough to be friends. Deep down he knew he wanted more. He wanted his lover back and everything to be how it used to be, but he knew that wasn't possible. "I'm sorry I made life hard for you." "You had every right," Lenn conceded. He felt the heat of Peter's hand on his neck and just wanted to curl himself up inside Peter's arms to feel safe again, feel loved by the only man he'd ever really loved so much he thought he would burst. Instead, he looked at Peter and saw the Christmas lights in the café reflected in his steel blue eyes. "Come here," Peter asked softly. "Are you sure?" Lenn asked turning towards Peter, but otherwise keeping his distance. Peter nodded decisively, and Lenn moved closer, at first hesitantly until he felt Peter urging him on. It was such an amazing feeling to have Peter close again, to be able to put his arms around Peter's strong torso and feel they still fitted together perfectly. He didn't care that they were in a public place.
28
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens This time it was Lenn who initiated the kiss, and it was all about getting reacquainted, about remembering each other's taste and feel, about slowly reforging their bond. It didn't surprise Lenn how familiar it all felt. Peter was the only long term lover he'd ever had, and for almost fifteen years, he'd never entertained the idea that they would ever be apart again. This last year had been hell on earth in that respect. Now there was a glimmer of hope again. When they stopped kissing, they didn't pull apart. "What's going to happen now?" Lenn asked Peter with some trepidation. "I think we need some more time to talk." Peter looked at his watch. "Oh hell, I'm late to pick up Tegan." He jumped up from the couch. "I'm sorry, but I don't want to confuse Tegan any more than I have to. Is it okay if I call you tonight, after she's gone to bed?" Lenn nodded frantically. Peter bent down and grabbed Lenn's face between his hands to quickly kiss him before hurrying out of the café. Lenn sank down into the couch as he watched Peter's lanky form swerve between the other tables and out of door. He was still a little stunned by what had happened, and he fervently hoped he wasn't going to wake up from this dream. They had finally talked again and kissed. Maybe it was wrong to feel hope? Maybe he was setting himself up for
29
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens disappointment again, but he couldn't stop the feeling of elation washing over him. After the worst Christmas of his life last year, was this year going to be the best ever?
TWO hours later, Lenn was sitting on his bed holding his phone. It was a school night, so Tegan would be in bed by now. Did he have the nerve to call Peter? The ringing phone might wake Tegan up, so he didn't dare. Besides, Peter said he'd call. Lenn was nervous. Just as nervous as he was on the night Peter had called to ask him to move in with him. They had only been dating for a few weeks when Peter got a job offer in New York. It was the kind of job for which he had to get on an overnight plane and be prepared to move almost immediately. For hours Lenn had sat by the phone, waiting to hear whether Peter had accepted the job of his dreams, and when the call finally came, Peter had asked Lenn to pack up his things to move to the big city. Lenn hadn't even asked for time to think about it, he'd yelled 'YES!' in such a loud voice that the neighbor's dog had started barking. Their first Christmas in the Big Apple had been amazing. They didn't have a lot of money then, but it hadn't mattered, because they were together. Nine years later, they’d spent Christmas settling into a new home with their newborn daughter, and five years after that Lenn had moved out of that home. This Christmas, maybe he would be allowed to move back in.
30
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens When the phone rang, Lenn almost dropped it. "Peter?" he answered after recovering his hold on the handset. "Yes," a familiar soft voice answered. "I'm sorry I made you wait. Tegan had to tell me all about the birthday party, and it took forever to get her to settle down enough so she could sleep. How are you?" Lenn felt like he could listen to Peter's voice forever, but he'd asked him a question. Right? "I'm good. Made it home in one piece." "That's nice to hear," Peter drawled in his soft telephone voice. "Tegan asked me about Christmas again. She wanted to know if you were really going to come." Lenn was happy to hear there wasn't a hint of reproach in Peter's voice. "And what did you tell her?" "That her Daddy's a tease." Lenn was a little unsure how to react to that. He decided to joke about it. Lenn knew Peter would give in almost immediately. "Moi? A tease? Never." Peter chuckled. "I told her you were coming to dinner and possibly before that too, if you weren't too busy." "I'm never too busy to come," Lenn answered, hoping the innuendo would be irresistible to Peter. "Yes, I remember that," Peter answered and Lenn could tell from his voice that he was smiling.
31
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens "Are you in the TV room?" Peter grunted. "Yes, I am. You know I don't want Tegan to get excited, and if she hears I'm talking to you, the... well, you know what I mean." On the one hand, Lenn was disappointed, but on the other hand, he knew that Tegan would be the last one to be told they were back together again, if they ever made it that far. That was certainly not a given. She had been devastated when Lenn moved out, and they'd had the hardest time trying to explain it to her. The first eight months of the separation, Tegan would cry every time they handed her over, in fact it was only in the last few weeks that she seemed to understand that both her fathers still loved her dearly. Neither of them was willing to upset the delicate balance until they were sure of what was going to happen between them. "I enjoyed talking to you tonight," Lenn continued. "And I'm glad you called." "I said I would." "Yeah, I know you did." And Peter always did what he said he'd do. He was dependable that way. "But I'm glad to hear your voice again. I enjoyed the kisses too." "The kisses were definitely good," Peter agreed. "When can I see you again? I'd love to kiss you some more." Lenn rolled his eyes after realising what he'd said. He
32
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens thought he sounded like a teenager. "You'll want more than a kiss next time, probably," Peter teased. "You think so? Like what?" Peter didn't immediately answer. "Like a blow job?" Lenn suggested boldly. "Always straight to the point," Peter quipped. "If I were straight to the point I'd ask you to fuck me, but I'll be a good boy and just ask for a kiss." Lenn knew he was being forward enough as it was, but it was so easy to talk to Peter, he was almost forgetting the past thirteen months. Almost. The silence that fell between them was enough to tell Lenn he was taking it too far too fast, so he tried changing the subject. “So is work busy right before Christmas?” “It’s okay. November was bad, but it’s easing up now. You?” Lenn was glad Peter seemed to be relaxing. “Nah, clients want sunny skies, not grey clouds and rain. I have a few indoor photo shoots coming up right after New Year, but other than that it’ll be quiet until spring when I’m documenting the work they’re doing in Central Park.” Peter acknowledged what Lenn had said as if he’d read about it someplace, and then there was silence again. Just
33
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens when Lenn was giving up hope they’d ever have a productive conversation, they both spoke together. “You go first,” Lenn conceded. “What I wanted to say was that this reminded me of when I had to fly up to Wyoming all the time to play the hands-on editor and you’d stay behind in the city. We talked on the phone every night.” Peter sounded unsure of himself again, and Lenn smiled because he could so easily imagine Peter’s expression, the way he looked when he wasn’t at ease in a situation. He’d looked that way when they first made love in a bed, and then again when they’d first made love in their very own apartment. The memories were so easy to conjure up that they had an effect on Lenn’s body. He rubbed his groin to dull the ache. “I remember how much I missed you; how empty the bed felt when you weren’t there.” Lenn hoped it didn’t sound too pitiful. The last thing he wanted was for Peter to feel sorry for him. “Yeah, I know,” Peter snorted, a chuckle not far away. “You missed me so much we made a dildo one day, remember that?” Lenn was glad Peter was bringing up happier memories. "Oh yes. I still have it,” he admitted, thinking of his toy box, which was hidden far from prying eyes and little
34
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens fingers in the back of his closet. “Remember how we had to make a cast of my erection, and then you had to keep me hard for twenty minutes?" Lenn remembered it vividly. "If I recall the problem wasn't keeping you hard. It was keeping you from coming inside that casting." He laughed as he closed his eyes and allowed his body to respond. He was hard already inside his trousers and pulled them down a bit while getting more comfortable. "It was a very good likeness if I recall." "Yeah, it was pretty good," Peter answered proudly. "Not a lot of wear on it yet," Lenn remarked. “Hang on, I’ll get it out.” He got up from the bed and rummaged through his clothes closet to find the box, and then walked into the bathroom to rinse his prize off under the faucet before returning to his bedroom. "You mean you didn't miss me enough to use it this last year?" Lenn chuckled. "Oh, I missed you plenty, but using that would just have been torture. So what have you got lying around that TV room of yours to play with?" “Ehm, nothing, I ... I could get my Fleshlight out, I suppose," Peter suggested. Lenn thought he sounded like he'd been caught. "The tight ass one? Better warm it up first. And you'll need that
35
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens little transparent plug too. You know, the only one you dared take on an airplane? I remember you used to love using the Fleshlight while I fucked you." Peter groaned. "I know." Peter didn’t sound like that was what he wanted to hear, and Lenn kicked himself for running with the idea. “I’m sorry,” he apologized. “Didn’t mean to get carried away.” “Don’t stop talking,” Peter sighed. Lenn’s heart skipped a beat. Clearly, he’d misread Peter’s voice. "Did you just pop that plug in, love?" Lenn asked teasingly, resuming his earlier dirty talk, but a lot calmer and more seductive now. "Yeah." Lenn silently cheered. "Are you touching it while we're talking? Moving it around so it brushes against your prostate? Is it making you hard?" Lenn knew exactly how to push all of Peter's buttons. He had no problem imagining Peter lying on the TV room couch, butt naked, the latch on the door so Tegan couldn't inadvertently stumble in. He’d have one hand behind himself rubbing the plug and another fisting his cock while lying on his side so he could hold the phone against his ear. The image was making his already hard cock leak, and Lenn spread the bead of pearly fluid around the head of his erection.
36
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens "Fuck yeah!" Peter answered. "Are you fucking yourself with the dildo?" he asked almost breathlessly. "Hang on," Lenn asked, quickly lubing up the latex shaft of the copycat dildo and imagined it was Peter's cock. He then reached for his own hole with his slippery fingers and tried to prep himself as quickly as possible. "Did you lube up the Fleshlight yet?" "Hang on," Peter now asked. It made both of them chuckle. "Ready." "Yeah, me too," Lenn assured Peter as he pushed the head of the dildo against his entrance. "Hell, you're tight," Peter said, still trying to prevent himself from not laughing at the absurdity of the situation. "Well, you're a big guy, and it's been a while. More than a year to be precise," Lenn groaned. "You mean you didn't even use a dildo all that time?" Peter asked, surprise in his voice. "Stay with the program, Pete," Lenn strained to say. His entrance was being stretched quite liberally, and he had a hard time hiding that it wasn't altogether pain-free. "Okay," Peter chuckled. "Well, you're still tight." "So move back and forth a bit." This was what Lenn was doing with the dildo in the hope he'd be able to take the full girth soon. Next to Peter's heavy breathing Lenn could
37
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens hear the tell tale suction noises of the fleshy sleeve, and both were turning him on even more. "Can't move too much. Shit, Lenn. Feels so good." "Are you close?" Lenn managed to ask, despite the fact he was able to fuck himself quite well now, and it wasn't helping him to focus. "You feel good too, love." Lenn could hear Peter moan, and he had no problem whatsoever recalling what his ex looked like right now, even though he could only hear him. "Talk to me, love; tell me what you're feeling." Peter grunted again, unable to speak, and Lenn liked it. It meant that he was doing a good job. As he heard the pitch of Peter's moans change and the rhythm escalate, Lenn sped up his movements too, imagining Peter to be much closer than on the other end of a telephone line. If he closed his eyes, he could almost feel him again, could almost pretend it was Peter's cock inside him and not a facsimile. "You're going to make me come, Peter. Fuck me harder, baby. Let me hear you." "Fuck ... Lenn!" Peter cried out, just at the moment the phone dropped away from Lenn's ear. He didn't pick it up again immediately since both his hands were rather busy. Hearing all the right noises for Lenn to conclude Peter had come was enough to send him over as well, and it wasn't until he'd wiped his hand on his T-shirt that he fished the handset from between the mattress and his pillow.
38
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens "You okay?" Lenn asked, still panting. "Hell, yeah." Peter sighed more than spoke. "Fuck, Lenny, you still do it for me." Lenn grew quiet. Where did this leave them? Should he be happy that he could still make Peter come just from talking dirty to him on the phone? Or did this mean Peter wanted them to start again? He needed to answer Peter and make him understand he felt the same. "You never stopped doing it for me, love." There was quite a long silence on the other side of the line and Lenn bit his lower lip trying not to speak. He knew Peter well. The silences fell whenever Peter was mulling over something important. Interrupting that only spelled doom, so Lenn tried to remain patient. "I'm scared, Lenn," Peter suddenly said. Lenn didn't know how to answer Peter's admission. He didn't even know what to think about it, so his mind went blank. "Why?" he asked softly, afraid of what Peter was going to tell him. "I'm scared because you're the love of my life. And I want to learn to trust you again. For Tegan, because it's her biggest wish, but also for myself. Up until a year ago, my life was perfect. I was living with the man I loved, we had a house and a daughter and jobs that we loved, and I want that back. But I'm scared it's too late for that."
39
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens Lenn sat up on his bed and ran his hand over his face. It was then that he realised he was crying. "Please give me a chance to show you that you can trust me now?" "No promises, Lenn." Lenn sighed. "I know. All I'm asking for is a chance." "Yes," Peter answered resolutely. "Everyone deserves a second chance." "Now get your pants on again, so you can walk through the house to the bedroom and crawl into bed and fall asleep," Lenn suggested, knowing that this was exactly what Peter was going to do. "Sometimes I long for the days when we could just walk around here naked," Peter mused. "We'll get that chance again," Lenn replied. "When Tegan is older, and she can go for sleepovers with her friends." Lenn knew he was asking for a lot, but he wanted the feeling that they had a future together. "Can't wait," Peter answered with a chuckle. "Talk to you tomorrow." "Tomorrow," Lenn echoed.
THE next day they met up for lunch, and a few days later they had drinks together. And they talked. A lot. Mostly
40
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens about Tegan, but also about what had happened to them over a year ago and how it had affected their lives. Every night after Tegan was in bed, the one whose house she slept in would call the other, and they'd talk some more. Usually this would end up with phone sex, but they didn't take it any further. They didn't dare consummate their reunification with actual sex, together in the same room. But they both knew it was inevitable. The kisses they exchanged were becoming more passionate and much harder to break away from. The day before Christmas they had lunch together and ended up pushing each other into a bathroom stall where Peter gave Lenn a hurried, frantic blowjob. Crouching down in the narrow cubicle, Peter came hard into his own hand after feeling Lenn's release shoot against the back of his throat, and he had the hardest time not asking Lenn to come home with him. They both knew they had to prepare Tegan first. "Tomorrow," Peter told Lenn as they stood, fully dressed again, still holding each other. "Tomorrow we'll see how she reacts to you being there and then maybe we can tell her...." "That we're going to try being together again?" Lenn asked hopefully. Peter nodded. "Tomorrow," Lenn agreed.
41
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens ON Christmas day, Lenn knew that his most difficult encounter would be with Peter's mother. Pearl was fiercely protective of her oldest son, and although she had always been close to Lenn when he and Peter were still together, she was the first to condemn him after he'd been unfaithful to her son. Lenn knew that it would be a lot harder to change her mind than it had been to change Peter's. Lenn arrived at his old house fifteen minutes early. He'd taken a cab since he'd bought tons of presents, and he'd worn his best suit, knowing that Pearl was a bit old school and liked her family celebrations to be rather formal. When Lenn rang the doorbell, he was almost immediately greeted by Tegan, who was dressed in a pristine white dress with red trimmings. The first thing that crossed his mind was that the dress wouldn't last past the first drink, but that at least Pearl got her wish of a being greeted by a perfect little princess. Tegan dragged Lenn into the living room, presents and all, where Pearl was sitting in the armchair looking like a benevolent matriarch, which of course, she was. "Lenn," she greeted him, with her usual studied courtesy. She was smiling, but after fifteen years, Lenn knew her well enough to see she felt the tension. He took her offered hand and hesitated for a moment. He'd called her 'Mom' from the time he'd moved in with Peter, but somehow
42
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens he felt he didn't deserve to call her that now. "Pearl, nice to see you," Lenn opted for instead. She nodded, and the tension seemed to dissipate somewhat. Tegan bolting in from the kitchen, where she'd obviously gone to tell her Papa that Daddy was here, also helped in that regard. "Want to help me put the presents under the tree?" Lenn suggested to Tegan. He was happy to have his hands full directing his daughter, but he felt Pearl's scrutiny, and it wasn't helping the tension in the room any. He just had to seek out Peter and found him in the kitchen. "You're a sight for sore eyes," Lenn said, wrapping his arms around Peter from behind and squeezing him tight. "Mom give you a hard time?" Peter questioned as he turned around and returned the hug. "She's okay. She was polite." Peter gave Lenn a compassionate look. "Oh dear." "I suppose I can understand that I'm not her favorite person right now," Lenn shrugged in resignation. "I talked to her about us," Peter confessed. Lenn gave him a worried look, so Peter caressed his hair. "She knows we're trying to get together again, and although she was a little worried about it at first, she knows how much Tegan wants this so she's okay with it. Trust me." He gently kissed
43
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens Lenn. "She loves you to bits, remember?" "Not anymore, and I don't blame her," Lenn replied. "You disappointed her," Peter said with a nod. "But she saw you as another son, and that means something, because she's got three of her own and all she ever wanted was a daughter. Sadly, she never really got along with my brothers' wives, hence the reason they're not here again this year." Peter rolled his eyes. "But she always loved you. She just doesn't want me to get hurt." Peter kissed Lenn again, and this time their kiss was a little more than the chaste kiss they'd greeted each other with. Lenn felt himself mold to Peter's lean frame and couldn't prevent his body from reacting. Then their kiss was cut short. "Grammy, Grammy! Daddy's kissing Papa!" Peter pulled back and chuckled. "Trust Tegan to catch us at it." Lenn licked his lips and reluctantly left Peter's embrace as he looked at the door to the living room and saw that Tegan had already left. "She caught us doing worse than kissing before." "True," Peter admitted. "That's why the lock is still in place on the TV room door!" They were both smiling as they entered the living
44
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens room, and Lenn couldn't help noticing Pearl's proud look, clearly directed at him. Tegan was begging for her attention, so it didn't last long, but he felt accepted again. Just how much didn't become apparent until later that evening, after all the presents were opened and dinner was eaten. "Peter, darling, would you call me a cab, please? Lenn can take me home," Pearl announced after they'd put Tegan to bed. Peter looked at Lenn, and Lenn knew what he was thinking. "Of course, he can come back here afterwards," she continued. "No need for him to go straight home after he drops me off. I know you two have a lot to talk about." Lenn smiled at Pearl, a little uneasily, and went to fetch her coat while Peter made the call. The cab was there surprisingly quickly, and once they'd started driving, Pearl took Lenn's hand. "Now, Lenn," Pearl stated grandly as she squeezed his hand. "I know you and Peter are getting together again, and I couldn't be happier. Seeing Tegan's face light up was simply a delight. I think she was happier with that than with all of her presents together." Lenn nodded. It was lovely to feel like a family again, and he hoped it would continue as he and Peter became closer again. Knowing Pearl, though, he expected a little
45
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens sting in the tail. "Peter has forgiven you your little side step," she continued. "But I hope you've learned your lesson. You hurt him so badly that for a good while I didn't think he was going to recover; he loves you with all his heart, Lenn. Don't forget that!" "I know," Lenn answered. "And I love him too. I know that now." "That's good to hear," Pearl replied. "You know of all the partners my boys found, you're my favorite, and not just because you were the first. I always thought that you and Peter were perfect for each other. That said, if you ever hurt my Peter like that again, you'll have me to contend with. I may be an old lady, but you will wish you’d never crossed my path." Lenn was a little taken aback by her harsh words, but when he finally dared to look at her she was smiling in such a cunning way it immediately reminded him of one of Peter's smiles. "Yes, ma'am," he answered. "Good," she said resolutely. She leaned forward and addressed the cab driver. "My house is right at the top of this street. After you drop us off, kindly wait for this young man to return so you can drive him back to where you picked us up." She then turned to Lenn. "Now after you help me up the
46
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens stairs, you better rush straight back home, because Peter will be growing impatient."
LESS than an hour after Lenn had left to take his mother home, Peter heard the key being pushed into the lock. He'd given Lenn his old key back, and it felt right, although they hadn't discussed Lenn moving back in. One step at a time, they'd agreed, and tonight's step would be that Lenn was going to stay overnight. Peter waited in the hallway, casually leaning against the doorpost leading towards the living room. He tried to look relaxed, but he had a feeling Lenn would see straight through it. "I hope she didn't torture you too much?" Peter said just loud enough for Lenn to hear him. Lenn shook his head. "I think she still loves me." Peter scooped Lenn into his arms and lifted him off the ground, burying his face in the crook of Lenn's neck and inhaling his familiar scent. "That's not a hard thing to do." Lenn laughed, and Peter didn't care that Tegan could hear them. At least not until he realised that if they woke her up, the long, slow reunion lovemaking they had planned would be out the window, so he pushed Lenn against the wall and kissed him mercilessly to stop him making any noise. 47
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens "TV room?" Lenn murmured. "That depends," Peter teased. Lenn raised an eyebrow. "On how much noise you're going to make." Lenn shrugged, so Peter continued, "I'd prefer to take you to bed. Our bed." Lenn swallowed hard and then collected himself, nodding quite enthusiastically as he pulled Peter's shirt out of his dress pants in an effort to touch bare skin. Peter shivered. He was nervous and needy at the same time and wanted nothing more than to make love to this man again. They'd been apart for too long, and during their re-acquaintance they'd taken it slow, so he'd had ample time to build up his need for Lenn. Over the course of their long talks, Peter had decided that he would simply have to learn to trust again, because he wouldn't be able to resist Lenn any longer. Lenn had put out all the right signs, and it had relaxed Peter that after Lenn's fling, his lover hadn't gone wild. He was confident that Lenn wouldn't make the same mistake twice. "I love you," Lenn whispered. They'd made it to the bedroom, and Lenn swallowed as he saw the bed they'd shared for so long. It was pristinely made, and Lenn pulled Peter closer to hold him for what seemed like a long time. Peter didn't mind. He'd promised himself he'd savor every moment of their reunion. If it wasn't for Lenn, he'd have rushed through it to get to the good stuff and missed out on the cuddling. "I love you too," he eventually replied.
48
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens "There was never anyone for me but you." They stopped talking as they slowly undressed each other. They'd shared enough conversation leading up to this, and now it all seemed superfluous. Their hands found familiar skin, and although the memories of their long relationship made it all feel very well-acquainted, the yearlong distance between them made them both unsure. Peter was more hesitant than Lenn was used to; it made Lenn feel guilty yet again. But he wasn't about to let Peter slip through his hands. It was all or nothing tonight. "The moment it was over, I knew I'd never find a lover like you again, Peter," Lenn whispered. "It takes time to get to the point we were at, and that's so much more important than the thrill of someone new." Peter nodded and kissed Lenn for the hundredth time that evening. He shook off his insecurities and gently pushed Lenn to lie on the bed so he could prowl over him. They were both naked now, and his hands were aching to touch Lenn's smooth skin, which was at least one tone darker than his own. How he had missed worshipping his lover's near perfect form, the lean muscles and smoothly covered hip bones, the long legs and nicely rounded shoulders. Lenn smiled shyly under Peter's intense scrutiny and stretched his arms over his head, making his body even more catlike than usual. Peter tried to lick Lenn's dark nipples, but Lenn teasingly turned around until he was lying half on his stomach and Peter could caress his long back 49
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens muscles. The urge for as much skin to skin contact as possible made Peter grind his body against Lenn's, and Lenn moaned at the feeling, pushing himself back to intensify the connection. "Fuck, you're making me hard. Want you inside me so badly," Lenn murmured as he followed Peter's hand when it disappeared between his legs. The friction felt amazing, but it was all moving a bit too quickly for him. He didn't want to be ruled by passion alone, so he rolled away from Peter's grasp. Almost immediately he felt bad about doing that, so he took Peter's worried face in his hands. "I love you so much I don't want it to be over too soon," Lenn soothed his lover, caressing Peter's cheeks and scooting closer again. "I want to make love to you all night, but it took you a lot of patience to get my stamina up over the years, and I am afraid it will all have reverted back to how it was when we first got together." Peter smiled. "Don't flatter yourself too much. We're both older than we were then." Lenn giggled and then clamped a hand over his mouth. "I know that, but...." He pushed himself against Peter's body again and ground his erection against his lover's. "Fuck, I want you so badly!" Peter reached for the nightstand and fished out lube and a condom.
50
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens "You bought condoms for tonight?" Lenn asked as he took the supplies from Peter. "It's not necessary. I was always careful, and I've been tested since," Lenn added quietly. "But if you want to, I won't object. I understand." Lenn felt guilty again. They hadn't used condoms since they moved in together, and he hadn't thought about it until Peter had unearthed them. Now Peter was hesitating, and Lenn could see the trust that had been building between them crumble again. He couldn't look his lover in the eye, because he knew Peter hadn't slept with anyone else. Peter lifted Lenn's face by putting his finger under his chin. "I didn't want anything to come between us tonight, Angel." Lenn felt as if a weight had dropped from his shoulders. He launched himself at Peter, kissing him with abandon, and they didn't stop kissing when he heard the lid being flipped off the lube or when, in their haste, the gel applied to his entrance was still a little on the cold side. "Go on," Lenn urged Peter when the fairer man lined up his erection so he could slowly sink into Lenn's supple body. By now, Lenn was on his back, his legs spread and knees pulled up to give his lover the necessary access, but Lenn couldn't stop touching Peter's shoulders and back, just like Peter couldn't stop kissing Lenn. Their movements were well rehearsed, yet Lenn gasped when he felt the initial burn. "Don't stop, feels so good," Lenn murmured to set Peter at 51
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens ease. It was amazing to feel their slow coupling like this, facing each other, arms and legs tangled. Lenn could run his hand over Peter's chest hair; his lover had raised himself slightly to stay in control of his movements, but when Peter relaxed, Lenn could savor the weight of his lover on top of him. Lenn let his hands wander down to cup Peter's ass and even managed to slip a finger between the taut globes, making him moan. Lenn knew that despite their attempts to take it easy, they were spiraling out of control. He knew from experience that Peter's slow, almost circular grind combined with his nearly hypnotic rhythm and the friction caused by the downy hairs on his belly were enough to send Lenn over, sometimes without touching himself. And he knew that all the build up and anticipation surrounding today were surely a contributing factor to the low, tingly feeling at the bottom of his spine. He tried to hold back, but the concentrated look on his lover's face betrayed how close Peter was as well. Suddenly Lenn was hit by how the familiarity and routine between them that had caused him to stray now made him feel so loved and wanted. "Come inside me. Want to feel you come deep inside me," Lenn demanded with some strain in his voice. Peter cried out as if he'd been given permission to abandon all restraint. He thrust in hard a few times, then grasped Lenn's neck and stared into his eyes until his own
52
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens gaze became unfocused. The intensity of Peter's reactions and the whirlwind of emotions caused by feeling Peter come sent Lenn over as well. He held onto his lover as if he was drowning while they both panted hard. When Peter moved his hand from Lenn's throat to his forehead, Lenn could see Peter's watery eyes. "It's okay, love," Lenn soothed. Peter nodded, still unable to speak, and they lay there rocking each other until they were both calm again. "I'm so happy to have you back," Peter whispered, as if he was afraid to say it out loud. "Please don't go away again." Peter averted his gaze as soon as the words had left his mouth. Lenn didn't know how to interpret the conflict between what Peter had said and his body language, so he tried to coax his lover to look at him again. "We said we'd take it slow for a long time and that I would stay in my apartment for the foreseeable future." "I know we did," Peter interrupted, still avoiding Lenn's gaze. "But I don't want to spend any more time without you than is absolutely necessary, Lenny. For the last fifteen years I've known you were the one for me and ... I'm afraid to get hurt again, but I'm more afraid to lose you." Lenn felt tears fill his eyes and nuzzled Peter in the hope that he could get rid of the overwhelming emotions.
53
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens "Think we should wake Tegan up and tell her Santa came through?" Peter looked at the clock on the nightstand and decided that three in the morning was a little early for their daughter. "I'm sure the news will hold until later." He pulled Lenn closer and squeezed him tightly. "Let’s keep this just between us for now." Lenn nodded and wiped the corner of his eye. "So what did you and mom talk about when you took her home?" Lenn sighed and then smiled. "She told me she would haunt me for the rest of my life if I ever hurt you again." Now it was Peter's turn to smile. "I've learned my lesson the hard way," Lenn said honestly. "I never want to put you through anything like that again." "You're not the only one to blame," Peter conceded. "I took us for granted too. I spent more time working, and I should have spent more time with you." "That doesn't excuse my behavior," Lenn replied quietly. "No, it doesn't, but can we put that behind us, please?" Lenn
nodded.
"How
about
54
we
don't
tell
Tegan
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens anything, and I just very casually move back here." "You think she'd notice?" Peter quipped.
55
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens ZAHRA OWENS was born in Europe, just before Woodstock
and the moon landing, and given a much less pronounceable name by her non-English speaking parents. Being an Aquarian meant she would never quite conform and people learned to expect the unexpected. She started writing fairy tales in first grade; the same year she came into contact with her first group of English speaking friends, a group which would eventually grow to include people from all over the world. On the outside she was a typical only child, accustomed to being with adults most of the time. On the inside, she sought ways to channel her wild imagination. Becoming an Intensive Care Nurse only kept her interested for so long, the same was true for being a Computer Specialist. According to her mother, her hobby is collecting college degrees, but it wasn't until she was in her thirties that she realized what life was all about. By then she was making a decent living during the day and honing her writing craft at night. She wrote in English of course, which was also her preferred reading language. The final piece in the jigsaw of her writing career was provided when she met her editor, something she felt was essential for a non-English speaker. The fact that the Internet has made the world a lot smaller, gave her access to readers from all over the world. And she couldn't be happier.
56
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens Other titles from Zahra…
57
Santa’s Littlest Helper Zahra Owens
©Copyright Zahra Owens, 2008 Published by Dreamspinner Press 4760 Preston Road Suite 244-149 Frisco, TX 75034 http://www.dreamspinnerpress.com/ This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the authors’ imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events or locales is entirely coincidental. Cover Art by Dan Skinner/Cerberus Inc.
[email protected] Cover Design by Mara McKennen This book is licensed to the original purchaser only. Duplication or distribution via any means is illegal and a violation of International Copyright Law, subject to criminal prosecution and upon conviction, fines and/or imprisonment. This eBook cannot be legally loaned or given to others. No part of this eBook can be shared or reproduced without the express permission of the publisher. To request permission and all other inquiries, contact Dreamspinner Press at: 4760 Preston Road, Suite 244-149, Frisco, TX 75034 http://www.dreamspinnerpress.com/ Released in the United States of America December, 2008
58
