Right Choice

Right Choice ♥ Clare London

I

STOOD alone in my old bedroom, staring into the mirror

and wondering when the hell that spot had appeared at the end of my nose. The sophisticated, handsome look on me always needed some work, but it was being particularly uncooperative this morning. Of all the mornings to choose, I thought. My hair wouldn’t lie straight; there was a tuft on my crown that insisted on spiking up whenever I tried to slick it down. I’d nicked my chin shaving, and there was a small, dark scratch under my lip. And the left side of my collar didn’t lie comfortably on top of the bow tie and kept rolling up at the end, despite ironing it three times. I sighed. “Pat?” Mandy poked her head around the door. She was clutching a couple of towels and what looked like the plastic bucket from our garden shed. Her smile looked like a grimace. “How’s it going?” She rushed on before I could even start to answer. “Ellie wants a bath, she couldn’t get into the bathroom before now, and Paul can’t find his cuff links. The silver ones. And Uncle Ed rang ahead to say the car’s stuck in traffic and won’t be here for another hour. That’ll be cutting it really fine to meet the registrar at the hotel for midday. Oh, and the caterers say the salmon mousse is off, something about the hot weather. All they have to substitute is meatloaf, though they say it’s a very

2

Right Choice ♥ Clare London superior meatloaf, but Mum says if they can’t deliver what we ordered, they can shove it up their superior—” I held up a hand to stop the tirade. “Mandy, it’s fine. Ellie can have the bathroom; I’m washed already. Paul’s cuff links are in the pot on the mantel; he left them there at Christmas when he last visited. It doesn’t matter about the car; we’ll be ready to go as soon as it arrives, and the hotel’s only a half-mile away. And I don’t give a rat’s arse about whether we have mousse or meatloaf.” She wrinkled her nose sympathetically. had any breakfast today, have you?”

“You haven’t

I gritted my teeth. The thought of food had that bubbling effect in my belly which I’d been trying to avoid. “No problem. I like dry toast, really I do. Is that bucket for me?” She grinned and came over to stand by me. Her hand on my shoulder was a surprising comfort. “It’s just nerves. I was like this before I got married. During it as well, actually. Jon had to greet all the guests at the reception on his own; I was holed up in the restroom saying goodbye to breakfast and my ‘welcome’ champagne cocktail.” “Too much information, big sis.” I smiled at her. Both of my sisters had inherited the good looks of the family, and Mandy looked great in her outfit, a pale blue skirt-suit, her hair glossy and newly styled. I sneaked a look at the top of her head. No, no tuft. Looked like I was the only one inherited that particular throwback.

3

Right Choice ♥ Clare London “I’ll go and check on May. The baby got hold of some chocolate from the table favors—ate the whole damned lot— and she’s been sick twice, all down May’s dress.” She brandished the bucket. “This is my attempt to catch the worst of it, if the kid has a relapse. And her Danny won’t keep his smart jacket on. She’s tried alternately bribing him with the promise of extra TV and threatening him with cutting it off completely.” At my raised eyebrows, she laughed. “The TV, idiot. Nothing more aggressive than that. Though I’m not sure she’s not tempted.” There was a tap at the door. “The bathroom’s free; no need to check with me and Pat!” Mandy called. But it wasn’t cousin Ellie wanting her turn, nor my infant niece seeking somewhere new to vomit up her chocolate. When Mandy opened the door wide, Mum was standing there. She looked beautiful. Her short, gray hair was flicked back behind her ears, pearl drop earrings gleaming in the overhead light. The trouser suit was a designer original and bought especially for the day, as were the high heels she usually scorned. I wasn’t used to seeing her so glamorous, and often forgot how well she could carry the look. The laughter lines at the side of her bright blue eyes were familiar and well-loved. “Mum.” Mandy hugged her, and they both turned to look at me. “He looks good, right? I knew the bow tie was the right one to choose.” I tugged at it a little sulkily. “Now I know who to blame.

4

Right Choice ♥ Clare London I feel way overdressed.” Mandy pouted. “Jeez, it’s your special day. You want to go along there on the bike in your leathers?” I caught the glint in her eye and smirked. “Of course not. Hell, it’d never occurred to me. But now you mention it….” I dodged as Mandy threw the towel at me. I was glad it wasn’t the bucket. “Never thought…. You know.” Mum blushed. She looked a little uncomfortable. “Never thought you’d settle down, Pat. Not like this. It took some time.” I smiled back a little ruefully. sailing, right?”

“It hasn’t been plain

Mandy made a snorting noise. I ignored her; I had plenty of years’ practice. Instead I went over to hug my mother. “I’m sorry, Mum. Sorry for being a mess as a teenager, a wise-ass as a young man, and a pain in everyone’s butt with my love life. Thanks for everything you’ve done—everything you’ve been. I love you so much.” She accepted the hug with one of those huffing noises she makes when she’s embarrassed. “Hey, you’ve been nothing but trouble. I say that every day,” she joked. “But I suppose I needed the challenge. It’d be no good if all my children were the same….” I felt her tense up in my arms. “I know it was hard,” I said quickly. It wasn’t easy for me either, I wanted to say, but I didn’t. “It hasn’t been the best life for you, bringing us up on your own, two lively girls

5

Right Choice ♥ Clare London and a younger, troublesome son.” “Pat, don’t be foolish. You’re an adult yourself now. And you were just like any other kid….” “Not quite.” I’d been temporarily suspended from school a couple of times for fighting and done my fair share of drinking and smoking under age. There were other ways I was different from many of my peers, but I’d never discussed those with Mum over the Sunday roast dinner. “But that’s how you wanted me to be, wasn’t it? Do the things other sons do; follow the normal life plan. School, college, job, marriage, kids. Same choices as everyone else.” “Pat.” Mandy’s tone was warning me not to stir things up. Not today. Mum put a hand on Mandy’s arm to reassure her; her eyes never left mine. “That’s not fair, Pat. You were a restless child. I don’t always understand you; you don’t often tell me what’s going on in your head. Yes, it was hard—you weren’t always an easy boy to bring up. I only ever wanted a good life for you.” “I know. And you did a good job.” I saw her eyes soften. “I am what I am, Mum. But you helped me see the rest of the world around me—to get some perspective. You celebrated the good times with me and kept me on the planet during the bad ones.” “And now you’ve come through all that.” Her cheeks were flushed, and I wondered if she’d already had a drink, if only to steady her nerves with a house full of family and

6

Right Choice ♥ Clare London frenetic organization. “After all that confusion and rebellion, you’ve found the right way at last. Made the right choices. You’ve made us all proud of you. Haven’t you?” I glanced over at Mandy. She was picking up the towel, not meeting my eyes for that second. “Yeah, Mum,” I said quietly. “I know the right thing to do.” Mum kept staring at me. “What?” I looked between her and Mandy. “God, is it the spot on my nose?” No one laughed. Mum looked at Mandy, and she looked back. Enough with the meaningful gazes, I thought. My heart started to beat faster, but I wasn’t sure why. “I came up to tell you Nicky’s at the door,” Mum said. I stared, my brain not computing the information at first. “What door?” Mum frowned a little. “Here. At the house.” “Now?” “Pat….” Mandy sounded worried. “He’s here?” I didn’t seem able to make any more of a coherent sentence. “He wants to see you.” Mum kept her voice deliberately calm, I could tell. “He can’t!” Mandy blurted out. panic in her eyes.

There was a look of

“I can’t see him,” I echoed, and they both stared at me.

7

Right Choice ♥ Clare London I turned back to the mirror, startled to see the disturbance in my eyes. “I can’t.”

FUNNILY enough, that was one of the things I remember saying to him the first time I met him. Nicky, my first good, gay friend, my first boyfriend… my first everything. I met him at a college party thrown by a mutual friend a year ago. We were all graduating at the end of that term, but we didn’t want to wait until term finished, when we’d all be scattering across the country, so we started the celebrations early. I’d taken Lissa; we’d been dating for more than two terms by then. I think she was keeping count of the time, though I’m pretty sure I wasn’t. She’d mentioned making things more formal when we graduated, but I was in no rush to settle down. It wasn’t anything to do with her. She was pretty, fun, and intelligent. She and her family were neighbors, and we’d been friends for years; it was all very cozy. Mum and my siblings were very fond of her. But for me, it never felt exactly right. Mandy and May—ever the caring sisters—told me that I was stupid and making something out of nothing. It was a natural progression, and lots of people got married right after college. Mandy was already planning her future life with her boyfriend Jon, both of them just a year above me, and May was already ahead of the game, married with a tear-away toddler son and a new baby just arrived. Mum

8

Right Choice ♥ Clare London just wanted me to grow up, I know, and I’m sure she thought marriage to Lissa would be an ideal route. I was still argumentative, still unsure what I wanted in life, though I’d learned to handle myself better. It was an achievement to have lasted through college, to have made some good friends, and to have landed such a cute girlfriend. People smiled and said I was a good guy, but they often shook their head ruefully at the same time. No one seemed sure of how I’d turn out—me included. At the party that night, I was more restless than usual. Lissa and I were almost the first people there, embarrassed by arriving too early. We both had student rooms only a couple of streets away and nothing else to do with our evening. When a couple of her girlfriends arrived, Lissa left me alone while she went to catch up on college gossip with them. I drifted out to the garden. The guys holding the party shared the house, an unusually good-sized one, right by the sea front. They had a garden and a shed, and they had bikes. That was a thrill for me; I had no money and no license, but I was drawn to them regardless. And to the guys who rode them. Nicky was the only person out there, finishing a smoke. He was leaning up against his bike, parked by the back gate. There was a service road running behind the house where they brought the bikes in and out of the garden. I didn’t really know him except as a friend of a friend, and one of the guys who lived here. There were rumors about him, I knew that. He was bright but stubborn; he went his own way, didn’t always turn up for lectures though there was no doubt

9

Right Choice ♥ Clare London he’d pass his course. He had no family around here, no one to be beholden to. The rumors about his sex life were more scandalous and rather more difficult to confirm or deny because I’d never seen him around campus with anyone. And he was difficult to miss: tall with the broad shoulders and slim waist of a swimmer, and a shock of bleached white hair. Bright, lively eyes, a square jaw, and lips unusually full for a man. He looked astonishingly fine in his black leathers. Astonishingly fine in anything, I suspected. He nodded hello, and we shared a couple of cans of beer. I can’t remember exactly what we talked about except for the bike. Maybe something about college, which tutors were good, which bad. Any mutual friends we knew, where we went drinking in the evenings, what music we listened to. It was relaxed; we found plenty in common. But I do remember the way my heart seemed to beat double-time and how dry my mouth was. I’d never had that reaction to anyone before in my life. “Patrick,” he said at last. His voice was quiet; he sounded amused. He was the only person who ever called me by my full name, though I didn’t think I’d introduced myself that way. “If you want to touch, you can. I’m cool with it. Just ask.” I was startled. “Sorry, it’s just…. I always wanted a bike, you know?” I was gabbling, I know. “Never going to be able to afford it, of course, and there’s nowhere to keep it, and anyway, Mum would expire from panic if I turned up on one; you know how parents are—”

10

Right Choice ♥ Clare London “Not the bike,” he interrupted. He dropped the cigarette to the ground and squashed it under his boot. “Me.” I just stared. I know I went red because I can remember to this day the heat of it, all up my neck, all through my body. “What the fuck?” Nicky shrugged, his gaze on me all the time. The lively eyes watched me, traveling over my face, lingering—unless I imagined it—on my mouth. “I think you know what I mean. You’ve been looking at me for the last half-hour. Really looking. Maybe you followed me out here so we could have some private time.” I was suddenly, shockingly angry. “I don’t know what the hell you mean.” “Okay.” He nodded. He held up a hand to reassure me. Long, strong fingers; wide palm. “So maybe it was coincidence. Don’t get me wrong, though, I’d like it if you had. I’d like to get to know you. I’ve been watching you, too, you know?” Did I know? Even then, of course I did. “I’m with a girl,” I blurted out. I don’t know what possessed me to say it like that. Nicky nodded again, smiling ruefully as if he knew exactly what had prompted my defensiveness; as if he’d been proved right. “Okay, I see.” He didn’t apologize or say anything more about it. Maybe if he had, things would have been different. Very different. But instead, I felt an irresistible need to respond, to establish myself with him as

11

Right Choice ♥ Clare London the man I was. As I thought I was. “So how long have you been riding?” My voice sounded a bit hoarse, but I ignored it. “Where are the best places around here? I’m told there are some great trails over the downs.” He was still looking rather too closely at me, but I couldn’t step away without losing face. That’s what I told myself. Not that I liked those lively eyes searching me, that mouth smiling at me, those hands gesturing toward me. Not that I could almost feel his breath on my cheek, if I just leaned forward that little bit more…. “Come and see.” “Huh?” I was startled again. Goose bumps ran down my spine. Nicky grinned. Suddenly he looked younger, less confident: just another student like me. Just a guy… like me. “Come on a ride. I’ve got a spare helmet. There’s still enough light for a trip out to the downs.” I laughed aloud. “I can’t. Of course not. I mean….” Nicky grimaced. “The girlfriend. Right.” “No,” I protested. “It’s not like that. It’s not like I have to stay with her. You know? I mean….” My gaze ran over the bike, admiring it. Also the leather-clad legs that rested against it, the muscled thighs, the tight belly I could see shadowed under his tight T-shirt. I cleared my throat. “She doesn’t like bikes much.”

12

Right Choice ♥ Clare London “Sure.” Nicky straightened, picked up his helmet. understand, Patrick, really I do. It’s scary the first time.”

“I

“Riding the bike?” I stared at him dumbly. He paused for a second and then nodded. “Yeah.” He pulled on the helmet and some gloves. I watched him kick out the stand and brace the bike by its handlebars. His arms looked strong. He looked back at me. “Will you open the back gate for me?” His voice was tinny and muffled inside the helmet. I eased around the bike and released the catch on the gate. When he started to roll the bike past me, my hand shot out and grabbed his arm. He paused. His head turned toward me, the dusky evening light reflecting on the visor. I could still see his eyes. “I can’t,” I said. But as he turned away without speaking, I gripped him even tighter. What was I playing at? The party was only just starting, and I was meant to stay— but Nicky was leaving. His shoulders sagged. “Patrick. Don’t play games.” “Maybe I could come for a while, right?” I asked, my voice eager, my heart beating fast again. “I can do that. I’d like to do that. Just for a while. Is it safe?” I watched the smile break out again on his face, the full lips widening, the eyes sparkling. “Are you bothered about safe?” God, what had he heard? Then I realized he was teasing

13

Right Choice ♥ Clare London me. A couple of years ago I’d have blown up at that, started a fight with someone who mocked me. But Nicky’s eyes were warm and confident. Nicky was… Nicky. “Maybe I’m not.” I grinned. “Sometimes. But I still like to know what I’m doing.” He grinned back. It must have been the right answer. “You’re safe with me,” he said. He flipped open the top-box and gestured to the spare helmet. I got on the back of his bike, and I never looked back.

NICKY and I were friends all through that summer. When we left college, I moved back home until I could afford to rent my own place. Nicky stayed in the house where I’d met him with his friends, but it wasn’t far away by train so we met up most days. Nicky had graduated well—unlike my own, rather poor qualification—but the employment market was slow at the time, and neither of us had managed to get the job we wanted. We didn’t mind waiting; it seemed we had years of opportunity ahead of us. In the meantime, we got part-time jobs—he worked in a bike parts shop, and I did some training as a builder and plasterer. The job routines were erratic, and we didn’t always keep regular hours. Mum complained that she never knew when I was coming home, and Nicky’s landlady occasionally called to complain—more

14

Right Choice ♥ Clare London generally—about the comings and goings of young men, reminding all of them she had a reputation with the neighbors to consider. It just meant we were able to spend a lot of our free time together without anyone knowing or caring where we were. It was a carefree time; it was also inevitable that we became much more than friends. “Are you back yet?” I called up the stairs toward Nicky’s room. I could see the door, closed tightly. I’d let myself in with the spare key he gave me, ready for a hot shower and maybe some lunch if there were anything in the fridge. “I’m due back at Mum’s for supper tonight, but I’ve got the afternoon off, and as it’s your half day, I thought we might—” Nicky appeared quite suddenly from the living room, arms grabbing me, slamming my body back against the wall. He never spoke, just kissed me hard. Then harder. He tasted of beer and bread, so I knew he’d been at the pub for lunch with his boss. I kissed back, greedy, my tongue thrusting into his mouth. I let him push me; I liked it. I liked the aggression bubbling underneath, even if it was in play; I loved the feel of him against me, his tight muscles, his fingers biting into the fleshy part of my arms, the way he bent down slightly to reach my mouth, the hot, oily smell of sweat on him after he’d come from work. God, I had it bad. I nipped at his lower lip, and he yelped and then started laughing. We laughed a lot, most of the time. “No one in?” I panted. “Or you just fancied a public display?” He nuzzled into my neck, sucking the skin just

15

Right Choice ♥ Clare London below my ear. “Not there, it’ll show. Don’t.” I pulled back and pretended I didn’t notice his fleeting frown. “They’re all out,” he muttered. “We’ve got the whole place to ourselves. Hey, Patrick, are you crumbling away?” He was shaking with laughter again, and I realized he’d got a mouthful of brick dust from my hair. “Idiot.” I pushed him back, though not too fiercely. “I need a shower. Smells like you do too.” His eyes sparkled at me. His hand stayed on my arm, stroking the bare skin below my elbow. “I’ve been working on it all morning. Getting it fixed, running smoothly.” “It?” “The bike,” he said. “The one you’re going to buy.” I started laughing but bit it off. “You mean it? You found one?” He’d been waiting for a couple of months for one to come on sale in the shop, something I’d like and could ride—and could afford. “Oh God, Nicky, tell me, tell me….” I grabbed at him, but he spun away, laughing, and headed upstairs, taking the steps two at a time. “I get first call on the shower!” I grunted and sprinted after him. I knew the capacity of the damned tank, and it inevitably ran out of hot water twothirds of the way through a long shower. By the time he reached the bathroom and turned on the water, I was wriggling out of my briefs, having dropped my trousers and socks at the top of the stairs and my shirt in the bathroom

16

Right Choice ♥ Clare London doorway. Nicky turned just as I pushed up against him, naked and hard. “Fuck. Patrick….” His eyes widened at the sight of me. His voice was hoarse, his face flushed. “Tell me what it’s like,” I said. “The bike.” Something deep and hot flared in his pupils. He grinned at me and wrestled with the button of his jeans, pushing them down his legs. His shirt followed swiftly, peeled up over his head. “Make me,” he whispered. I laughed, breathing into his neck, licking at his ear lobe. I slipped an arm around his waist, my fingers brushing the base of his spine, reaching for the split of his buttocks. He pressed up against me even tighter, panting in my ear. His cock was thick and nudging against mine, the head damp and sticky and rearing up between our bellies. Mine was the same, of course, so hot and swollen it hurt. Nicky’s bare skin was warm, same as mine, but exciting in a very different way—it never failed to thrill me, another man’s body touching me. Nicky’s. So different from a woman’s—so different from anything. And so astonishingly, impossibly good. The sound of running water filled my ears, but I could still hear the huffs of his breath as he rubbed against me. “Patrick. So fucking hot. Quick.” “Get in,” I growled. He lifted his head, his eyes inches away from mine. The

17

Right Choice ♥ Clare London pupils were dilated. “Huh?” “Get in the shower,” I repeated. My own voice was hoarse by now. My groin felt coiled tight, as if someone had their fist in there and was twisting my insides. “I’ll wash you. You wash me. Nicky….” He grinned again and stepped back into the rickety shower cubicle, tugging me with him. The water cascaded down over us, steam lifting from our shoulders. His spiky hair was soaked quickly, the white-blond turning dark, the trails running down over his eyes and nose. He spat out of his mouth, laughing. I felt his hand slide down my body, his fingers folding around my cock. The water ran down my back and between my thighs. I pushed him against the tiles and held him there, thrusting desperately into his fist until I came. He moaned in my ear, my name and a jumble of other words. I shouted aloud and trembled in his arms. He held me upright as my breath returned to normal, both of us laughing shakily, our skin hot and wet, the water pooling at our feet and gurgling away down the drain. Nicky ran his hand through my hair, slicking it back so it clung to my head, all the brick dust washed away. “I think you’re clean enough now,” he murmured. “You too,” I whispered into his ear and slid to my knees in front of him. The water splashed up my legs and the tiles were hard, but it didn’t bother me. Nicky’s thighs tensed. I leaned forward and nuzzled his groin.

18

Right Choice ♥ Clare London “Patrick. Dear God in heaven.” He didn’t seem to know whether to laugh or groan. He reached over and turned off the water so that we weren’t drowned any further and then braced his hands against the wall behind him. I sucked him slowly into my mouth, my tongue flickering over the head of his cock, the taste so much more than clean water and skin. I liked to do this to him almost best of all, though this afternoon I didn’t have long to enjoy it. He came very quickly, apologizing and moaning and laughing in hiccups all mixed together. It was gorgeous. After we got dry, we lay in his bed, naked and perfectly relaxed, the sheets cool against bodies that had been hot with water and sweat and desire. Nicky told me all about the bike he’d seen for me, what he was doing to clean it up and improve its running. We made plans to ride out together, all the trails we wanted to take, all the places we wanted to visit. Months stretched ahead of us; adventure reached out its fingers of promise, caressing us. Nicky yawned into my shoulder. Patrick.”

“Move in with me,

I wasn’t really listening. I’d been daydreaming about riding my bike, following Nicky across the downs, away from the town and the bustle, away from family and work. Just us. Freedom to go where I wanted, with whomever I chose. It had been a long time coming, it seemed. “Huh? What do you mean?” He sighed. “Greg’s leaving for Australia next month. We’ve got a vacancy in the house for someone new.”

19

Right Choice ♥ Clare London “You mean, leave home and take Greg’s old room?” Nicky rolled his eyes. “Moron. Leave home and share my room is what I mean. We can use Greg’s room for washing and drying, stuff like that. But there’ll be space for another person in the house itself. You get on all right with the other guys, don’t you? But really, you’d be with me. You could stay here every night. It’d be your home, Patrick.” He swallowed carefully and repeated, “With me.” I was silent for a moment. My heart was beating really fast. I could hear Nicky’s heavy breathing beside me. Your home, Patrick. With me. “I’d like that.” He leaned up over me and smiled, looking relieved. “So would I.” He sounded very excited. His hair had dried crookedly, and I reached up to smooth it back in place. “I want this to happen, Patrick. Us, together. It’s so good. I want it for the long term.” “Nicky, don’t rush me too fast.” I tried not to show anything in my face, but I could see the reflection of disappointment in his eyes. “What’s up?” “Nothing.” I wriggled up to sitting. “It’s marvellous. I’d really like it.” He bit his lip. His face looked flushed and not just from us fucking. “I never met anyone I wanted to have around all the time. Not until you. That day I met you, I knew….” He flushed again, the color even deeper.

20

Right Choice ♥ Clare London “Look, I have to go. Mum’s having the neighbors to supper, and I said I’d be there.” He was watching me closely. His face was twisted up as if his feelings were in a tug-of-war with his words. “Sure. Which neighbor is that?” I shrugged. I started looking for my clothes to get dressed again. “Oh, the old crowd. Lissa’s family. We’ve all been friends since I was a kid. Since we both were, really.” “Went to the same college and everything, I know,” Nicky said. His voice was strangely flat. “You were dating her when we met, weren’t you? You said your Mum thought you’d be married one day, all that kind of thing.” “Yeah, all that kind of thing,” I said dismissively. “Look, I’ll check what I have at the bank and what’s the best timing for the family’s plans, and then we can arrange my moving in.” I turned back to gaze down at him on the bed. “Nicky?” He nodded slowly. His eyes looked fierce, but his voice was calm. “If you want that, Patrick.” “Of course I do!” I may have sounded a bit too loud. But I did want it, so very much. The idea of living with him was both thrilling and terrifying all at the same time. What would it be like? Could I afford it? What would the family say? I’d tell them it was nearer work, better for transport into town, that I was ready to start independent life, and this was the perfect opportunity to find my own place. With Nicky. Was I also going to tell them that? Nicky

21

Right Choice ♥ Clare London was the one certain thing I looked forward to in my life, the one person I always wanted to see, to share things with. My heart was certain, but it seemed my head… was somewhere else. “Look, I’m sorry I can’t stay today, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to.” He stared at me, nodding again as if that was fine, but there was something in his expression that told me it wasn’t. I took a deep breath. “I can’t stay, Nicky. I just can’t.” I could feel his gaze like a knife between my shoulder blades as I left the room.

IT was only a couple of months since I’d moved in with him, and maybe it was the unfamiliarity of it all. Maybe I was still adapting; maybe Nicky was being possessive. Maybe the whole damned thing was a fucking mess. Nicky stood facing me in the living room, both of us rigid with simmering anger. He was still in his overalls; I was clutching my jacket and keys in my hand. I’d been about to leave the house when he came in from work. I didn’t know what to say to him. This was turning into the worst argument we’d ever had. “It’s the third time you’ve been round there this week, I hardly see you. There aren’t many evenings we’re both free and not too knackered to go out. Christ.” He ran his hand through his hair, shaking his head. “Listen to me. Like

22

Right Choice ♥ Clare London some fucking nag. It’s not meant to be like this.” I bit my lip. “My family’s important to me. Mum has visitors; she wants me there. I’ll come back afterward, it won’t be too late.” It just sounded like a litany of excuses, both weak and untrue. I usually ended up sleeping back at Mum’s after these evenings. She kept my room ready for me at any time. “I could come with you.” His voice was suddenly much quieter. “You know I’d like to.” “Not this evening,” I said too quickly. “Not any evening,” Nicky snapped back. His eyes were dark with anger again and something like hurt. “Isn’t that true? Sometimes I come and collect you, if you’re round there and we’re going out somewhere, but that’s it. I’m not invited in.” “Don’t be an idiot.” I wanted to bite my tongue, but it was too late to take the retort back. “They know you’re my friend. My best friend.” His anger wasn’t eased. “Is that all they know? After all this time?” “What do you mean?” I knew the answer already. “They think we watch football, drink beer, go to gigs together.” “Yeah, well, we do that, don’t we?” “But what else do you tell them? Or don’t you?” His

23

Right Choice ♥ Clare London expression was ugly. He’d never looked like that before. “They don’t know we fuck, is that it? That we’re boyfriends— lovers. They don’t know we kiss, we jerk each other off.” “Nicky….” “They don’t know I roll you over on the bed some nights and lick your asshole until you can’t focus from lust. You haven’t told them how I slide my cock inside you, holding your head back so I can see the look of bliss on your face as you come. How you sob with it, cry out my name, tell me you love me….” “I do. And what about you—” “Yes,” he interrupted, his voice hoarse. “I love you too. But apparently that’s only allowed in the bedroom. You won’t hold me in public; you won’t call me your lover, only ever a friend. You won’t introduce me to your family as the man in your life. The man who wants to boast about us and show you off to all his friends. The man who wants you with him now and for years ahead.” He didn’t need to say forever. My chest hurt with a physical pain. I didn’t think he’d noticed all of that. I didn’t know he’d been hurting so much. “So who’s there tonight?” The harsh tone didn’t sound right from Nicky. “Lissa, I guess?” “She’s back from her holiday. It’s her birthday soon, and Mum suggested we celebrate between the families.” He wasn’t really interested, of course. “Nicky, I can’t… You

24

Right Choice ♥ Clare London know how Mum is. She wouldn’t… Well, she needs more time to get used to it. To me being gay.” “She said that, did she? When you told her?” I flushed bright red. I felt like a school kid caught lying about his homework. “I’ll tell her soon.” “Until then,” he continued, relentless, “what’ll you do? Obviously you need to keep up the pretence. Will you tell them you have your own bedroom here at the house? Maintain that I’m just a college friend with a similar interest in motorbikes? Play it straight? Date girls?” I was angry too, though for different reasons. “Nicky, stop making it sound so bad. I’m just sorting out my life.” He shook his head; his eyes were wild. He took a few steps back toward the door. “That’ll take some time, considering you have a double one. No wonder you’re confused, Patrick. You’re not committing to this at all.” “Fuck you,” I growled. The unimaginative response of a man who really has nowhere to go in an argument. He paused at the doorway. “What about Lissa? Does she know?” “Lissa?” I didn’t mean to blush again, but I did. “Oh Patrick.” His face went suddenly pale. “Oh God.” “What? I just see her now and then. Mum invites her around.”

25

Right Choice ♥ Clare London “Oh Patrick.” For a moment, that was all he seemed to be able to say. “Fuck. Have you been keeping her in ignorance, all this time? Maybe she still thinks you’re in the market, still keen on her. Is that right? How long were you going to keep that up?” “I’m not….” “So how far will you go?” The ugly edge was back in his voice. “What the hell do you mean?” “Will you kiss her, fuck her? Just for show, you understand, just to keep the family happy. Or wait—are you doing that already? Have you been fucking both of us about, in all senses of the word?” He laughed harshly. “Will you marry her, after all?” “Don’t be stupid.” My fists were clenched, and I felt tears prick at the back of my eyes. That hadn’t been what I meant to say, dammit! “Tell them,” he said, his jaw set tight. “I can’t,” I replied. “Not yet. I just need to find the right time….” “There’s nothing wrong with being gay, Patrick. Nothing to apologize for, nothing to hide. Yeah, I know, because I’m not stupid, it’s not always that easy. It’s scary sometimes, being out. But it’s who we are. Isn’t it? We can’t deny it forever. We can’t choose to love someone we don’t. Or pretend we don’t love someone we do.”

26

Right Choice ♥ Clare London “Nicky.” My head was swimming. “I love you. Make a choice. there’s no point in this.”

Make your choice.

Or

“I can’t.” My tongue felt thick in my mouth. Nicky’s hand was on the door. I couldn’t move to stop him, to explain. He was leaving the house. I knew it was much more than just that. When he slammed the door behind him, the message was clear. By the time he came back, he didn’t want to find me there. I listened to his bike roaring off up the road and finally out of hearing. Oh God, but I did love him. Sudden, sharp realization. Sudden, sharp pain. He deserved so much better. I stood there in the living room for half an hour or more, never moving. “Shit!” I yelled uselessly to the empty room. The bike didn’t come back. My cheeks were wet, but my voice was silent. Everything hurt. I was going to be very late at Mum’s: I couldn’t face going at all. I pulled my mobile phone from the pocket of my jeans.

MUM was staring at me. “Pat, you look dreadful. Are you sure…?” “What shall I tell him?” Mandy was almost hopping with the drama of it. “What shall I say to Nicky?” “Nothing,” I said, pulling my attention back to the present. Then, “Nothing,” I repeated, much more firmly. The

27

Right Choice ♥ Clare London churning in my gut had settled, and the panic subsided. “Of course I’ll see him.” They were both behind me as I went downstairs. At first all I could see at the front door was his shadow, standing just outside the step. Then he came slowly into view: long legs in unfamiliar suit trousers, shoes polished to a high shine. My gaze traveled up as I reached the foot of the stairs. Crisp white shirt, blue waistcoat. The broad, straight shoulders meant his jacket hung much better than mine did. He looked fabulous. “Nicky.” I nodded to him. He looked me up and down and his eyes widened. “Patrick. Fuck.” He flushed a little, seeing Mum and Mandy. “Sorry. I mean, you look….” He grinned and pursed his lips in a mock whistle. “Yeah.” Our gazes locked, and I smiled as well. “So do you.” My bowtie felt too tight at my throat, and I didn’t seem to know what to do with my hands. We just stared at each other for several moments. Behind me, Mandy startled us with another snorting sound. “So it’s bad luck now, isn’t it?” I rolled my eyes. Nicky frowned, his gaze still on me. “What is?” She gave an exaggerated sigh. “It’s bad luck to see the bride—well, the groom, I suppose—before the ceremony. I told him, I told Pat he couldn’t see you. Don’t you guys have

28

Right Choice ♥ Clare London any idea of how it’s meant to go?” I kept gazing at Nicky. “Stupid superstition. I’ve decided I’m abandoning all that. Maybe we don’t know how this marriage thing is meant to go….” “But maybe we do.” He stepped forward into the hallway, a couple of feet from me. Tall, well-cut hair, big grin, beautiful suit. My hands knew exactly what they wanted to do now, but I wasn’t sure it was appropriate in full view of the street outside. “Why are you here, Nicky?” My voice was gentle. He shrugged. “I just wanted to see… dammit. I don’t know.” He glanced quickly at Mum again. She sighed. “You don’t have to apologize every time you swear, Nicky. Please.” She sounded very amused. “Look, let’s leave you two together for a moment. Come along, Mandy.” She started off toward the kitchen. I think I heard her chuckling, at least until it was drowned out by the sound of May’s baby wailing in another room with the onset of some new family crisis. “You’re not getting cold feet?” came Mandy’s gleeful voice, still at my shoulder. “Nicky, he snores when he has a cold, you know. He used to collect stamps as a child too. And he’s never liked musicals….” “Mandy,” I said clearly, without turning my head. “Will you kindly fuck off and leave me to talk to my own fiancé?” “Dear me. The mouth on you.” She flounced off toward

29

Right Choice ♥ Clare London the kitchen, muttering barely under her breath, “Thank God we’re not running a video of the happy day.” I turned my attention back to Nicky. “Hi again.” “Hi again,” he echoed. morons.”

“Look at us.

Two grinning

“Well-dressed ones,” I said. “How are you?” “Nervous,” he admitted. I nodded. “Me too. When Mum said you were here, I felt sick.” “Shit.” anything.”

He frowned.

“Didn’t mean to scare you or

“It’s fine. Now.” Of course it was. “What did you want to see?” His eyes were unnaturally bright. “Just you.” “You saw me yesterday,” I chided, laughing. “It’s only been one night at Mum’s, just like tradition says.” “But you weren’t like this.” He couldn’t seem to stop grinning. “Like my soon-to-be husband in a ludicrously cute tuxedo and bowtie.” I groaned, my hand going to my throat. “It pinches. I suspect Mandy chose a small one on purpose.” “Mine too.” He tugged at it half-heartedly. “Shit, Patrick, do you know how glad I am Lissa never put up a fight for you?”

30

Right Choice ♥ Clare London I grimaced. “You know that was never in the cards. I rang Mum that day and told her everything. And that’s when she told me my sexuality was old news as far as she was concerned and she’d talk to me later about it all, at least when Mandy stopped hissing questions in her ear. And why didn’t I call you—right away—and make up and then come around for supper later in the week, both of us invited. Oh, and did I know Lissa had met some Greek god-come-toEarth on holiday and was talking of moving out there to run a café and raise a dozen sun-kissed babies?” Nicky was laughing, but the memory of that evening still caused me a spasm of pain even six months after the event. “It was only ever a problem to me, I was the one needed to be honest.” I took his arm. “You mustn’t doubt me, Nicky. Please don’t. God, I don’t deserve you, all the shit I put you through.” “Shut up,” he said firmly. “That’s gone. This is now. I don’t doubt you at all. I just wanted to see….” “So you keep saying. What?” He smiled. That smile. The one that undid me. The one I wanted to see forever. “Like I said, just you.” Mum cleared her throat discreetly behind us. “Excuse me gentlemen, but your uncle’s just called, and the car’s been delayed even longer. It’s probably a good thing you’re here, Nicky; we’d have no time to come and collect you to take you both down to the hotel.” “Mum….” She stepped between us, smiling.

31

Her cheeks were

Right Choice ♥ Clare London pink, and yes, there was a definite aroma of sherry on her breath. “You both look gorgeous.” Nicky started to laugh nervously, but she put an arm around each of us, giving us both a quick hug. “Two sons. I’m proud of you.” She was looking at me now. “The right thing isn’t always easy, Pat, I know. The right choice. But I have never accused you of being a coward.” Mandy made gagging noises in the background. “Mum, you’re drunk. Pat, you’re drooling. Nicky, you’re insane to want to join this family.” Nicky started laughing, and I caught his hand in mine. “There was a time I thought I couldn’t do this, you know?” “Patrick, I know….” “But I can,” I persisted. “I really want to.” “Despite the snoring?” chipped in a female voice. It was Nicky’s turn to roll his eyes. “Mandy, I have to break it to you. I know about the snoring already.” Mum was growing even pinker. I tugged at Nicky’s hand. “Let’s not wait for the car. If I promise to leave off this damned bowtie in public, do you want to walk down there together, right now?” “I do,” he replied, his face deadpan. We both burst out laughing.

32

Right Choice ♥ Clare London

CLARE took the pen name LONDON from the city where she lives, loves, and writes. A lone, brave female in a frenetic, testosterone-fueled family home, she juggles her writing with the weekly wash, waiting for the far distant day when she can afford to give up her day job as an accountant. She’s written in many genres and across many settings, with novels and short stories published both online and in print. She says she likes variety in her writing while friends say she’s just fickle, but as long as both theories spawn good fiction, she’s happy. Most of her work features male/male romance and drama with a healthy serving of physical passion, as she enjoys both reading and writing about strong, sympathetic, and sexy characters. Clare currently has several novels sulking at that tricky chapter three stage and plenty of other projects in mind... she just has to find out where she left them in that frenetic, testosterone-fueled family home. Visit her web site at http://www.clarelondon.co.uk and her blog at http://clarelondon.livejournal.com/.

33

Right Choice ♥ Clare London

34

Right Choice ♥ Clare London

The Right Choice ©Copyright Clare London, 2009 Published by Dreamspinner Press 4760 Preston Road Suite 244-149 Frisco, TX 75034 http://www.dreamspinnerpress.com/ This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the authors’ imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events or locales is entirely coincidental. Cover Design by Mara McKennen This book is licensed to the original purchaser only. Duplication or distribution via any means is illegal and a violation of International Copyright Law, subject to criminal prosecution and upon conviction, fines and/or imprisonment. This eBook cannot be legally loaned or given to others. No part of this eBook can be shared or reproduced without the express permission of the publisher. To request permission and all other inquiries, contact Dreamspinner Press at: 4760 Preston Road, Suite 244-149, Frisco, TX 75034 http://www.dreamspinnerpress.com/ Released in the United States of America June, 2009

35