Renewal Coaching: Sustainable Change for Individuals and Organizations

DOUGLAS B. REEVES ELLE ALLISON

SUSTAINABLE CHANGE FOR INDIVIDUALS AND ORGANIZATIONS

PRAISE FOR RENEWAL COACHING "Renewal Coaching is a clear, provocative, and exceptionally useful book. The clarity and conviction that's only gained from years of experience shines through the authors' skillful writing. Their philosophy, concepts, and practices are extremely relevant for leaders in today's chaotic world." -MARGARET J . WHEATLEY, author of Leadership and the New Science "Renewal Coaching is a must-read for anyone working with organizational change and renewal through coaching-from school principals to corporate leaders, from staff developers to individuals. Reeves and Allison provide a clear, coherent, well written, and imminently useful set of ideas and activities that can be applied immediately." -KENT PETERSON, author of Shaping School Culture: The Heart of Leadership and The Leadership Paradox: Balancing Logic and Artistry in Schools

"In Renewal Coaching, Reeves and Allison provide a fresh, practical approach to leadership success-based fundamentally on purpose. Their framework for success transcends the usual emphasis on profit and personal satisfaction. It looks to idealism as the well of energy-and therefore, of sustained success and renewal in both personal and professional life. Exceedingly well-written, and with clear, compelling details and exercises, the authors show us how coaches and clients can indeed 'c hange the world' one simple, practical interaction at a time." - DR. MIKE SCHMOKER, best selling author "The process of Renewal Coaching is a 21st century, cutting edge approach to an essential leadership concept. By promoting commitment to the world beyond an individual , the job, or the organization , Renewal Coaching provides a wide range of tools and techniques that will inevitably improve performance, boost results, and significantly enhance relationships. This is a must-read for all leaders." -DR. GENE KLANN , portfolio manager, Individual Lead ersh ip Development

RENEWAL COACHING It is a well-accepted fact that failure to engage in sustainable change can be deadly for both individuals and organizations . But why then is change so hard? The enormous wealth of change literature currently available is largely focused on satisfaction . efficiency. and effectiveness. While these are worthy goals. they remain insufficient. In order to help individuals. teams. and complex organizations create and sustain change something different is needed. Renewal Coaching offers a research-based . sustainable approach to individual and organizational improvement that involves a disciplined and collaborative sequence of information. experimentation. feedback. and support. Renewal Coaching provides a series of personal assessments that will guide individuals and teams through the seven stages of renewal. Each assessment includes both survey and narrative respon ses. and readers can use the journal pages in the text or convenient on -line formats to respond. The Renewal Coaching framework consists of these seven elements: RECOGNITION -Finding patterns of toxicity and renewal ; REALITY -Confronting change killers in work and life; RECIPROCITY Coaching in harmony; RESILIENCE -Coaching through pain ; RELATIONSH I P-Nurturing the personal elements of coaching; RESONANCE Coaching with emotional intelligence; RENEWAL Creating energy. meaning. and freedom to sustain the Journey.

If you are already a coach. or a leader who uses a coaching perspective. then this framework will help sustain the impact of your efforts. If you are a member of an organization that is enduring "initiative fatigue:' then this framework will help focus your energy. And if you are a person who has started change efforts. but has not been able to continue them over the long term. then this frame work will help you gain the insight. endurance. and moral purpose to continue your individual journey.

lJ{ENEWAL COACHING Sustainable Change for Individuals and Organizations Douglas B. Reeves Elle Allison

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JOSSEY-BASS A Wiley Imprint www.josseybass.com

Copyright © 2009 by Douglas B. Reeves and Elle Allison. All rights reserved. Published by Jossey-Bass A Wiley Imprint 989 Market Street, San Francisco, CA 94103-17 41-www.josseybass.com No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc., 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, 978-750-8400, fax 978-646-8600, or on the Web at www.copyright.com. Requests to the publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, 201-748-6011, fax 201-748-6008, or online at www.wiley.com/go/permissions. Readers should be aware that Internet Web sites offered as citations and/ or sources for further information may have changed or disappeared between the time this was written and when it is read. Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages. Jossey-Bass books and products are available through most bookstores. To contact Jossey-Bass directly call our Customer Care Department within the U.S. at 800-956-7739, outside the U.S. at 317-572-3986, or fax 317 -572-4002. Jossey-Bass also publishes its books in a variety of electronic formats. Some content that appears in print may not be available in electronic books. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Reeves, Douglas B., 1953Renewal coaching: sustainable change for individuals and organizations / Douglas B. Reeves and Elle Allison. - 1st ed. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 978-0-470-41496-5 (cloth: alk. paper) 1. Organizational change. 2. Employees-Coaching of. 3. Personal coaching. 4. Change (Psychology) 1. Allison, Elle, 1960- II. Title. HD58.8.R386 2009 658.3' 124-dc22 2008050157 Printed in the United States of America FIRST EDITION HB Printing 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

CONTENTS

Figures and Exhibits Preface

v

ix

Acknowledgments The Authors

xiii

xvii PART ONE

BEFORE YOU BEGIN RENEWAL COACHING

1 From Resistance to Renewal

3

2 The Renewal Coaching Framework: An Overview

27

PART TWO

THE RENEWAL COACHING FRAMEWORK: AN OVERVIEW

3 Recognition: Finding Patterns of Toxicity and Renewal

51

4 Reality: Confronting Change Killers in Work and Life

79

5 Reciprocity: Coaching in Harmony

107

6 Resilience: Coaching Through Pain

139

7 Resonance: Coaching with Emotional Intelligence

157

8 Relationship: When Process Is Personal

175

9 Renewal: Creating Energy, Meaning, and Freedom to Sustain the Journey

195

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CONTENTS

PART THREE

THE PROFESSIONAL COACH: BRINGING RENEWAL TO CLIENTS 10 The Renewal Coach

213

11 The Profession of Coaching

253

12 The Business of Coaching

275

References Index

307

301

FIGURE AND EXHIBITS

FIGURES

1.1 1.2 1.3 3.1 12.1

Two-Dimensional Coaching Multidimensional Coaching Three Paths Toward Renewal Happiness and Renewal Matrix Cash Flow Realities in a Successful and Growing Business

15

19 21

59 278

EXHIBITS

3.1 Role Responses to the Statement, "Loyalty Should Be Rewarded" 10.1 Sample Coaching Agreement 10.2 Renewal Coaching Journal 10.3 Coaching Goals 12.1 Matching Client Needs to Your Strengths

Vll

68 225 239

244 287

PREFACE

IF YOU WANT to influence people and organizations, you have two choices: commanding or coaching. If your objective is to evacuate a building on fire, then commands work quite well. But if you want to help individuals, teams, and complex organizations create and sustain change, then you need Renewal Coaching. We begin with a blunt question: Why is sustainable change so damn hard? Certainly it is not for lack of books on the subject; a search of "change" on Amazon.com reveals 762,680 books on the topic for sale. Certainly it is not for lack of evidence on the value of change. You know that we should be more humane, healthy, and wise and that failure to engage in sustainable change can be deadly for individuals and organizations. But if a combination of evidence and dread were an effective prescription, then most of the three-quarters of a million titles about change would evaporate. What makes Renewal Coaching different? Change literature is largely focused on three goals: satisfaction, efficiency, and effectiveness. Those are worthy goals to sustain change, but they are insufficient. Ultimately the responses to questions such as, "What's in it for me?" and "How can I be more productive?" are equivalent to the instructions for evacuating the building on fire. The advice can be useful and even lifesaving, but it does not create sustainable change.

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PREFACE

The Coaching Jungle Clhe array of coaching alternatives available is bewildering: executive coaching, life coaching, personal coaching, leadership coaching, behavioral coaching, spiritual coaches, career coaches, parenting coaches, and relationship coaches, along with a variety of discipline-specific coaching programs, such as those in finance, engineering, education, and nearly every other profession. Just as varied are the alternative approaches to coaching, where the role of the coach ranges from consultant to therapist to mentor. In addition, virtually all managers and leaders in business, government, education, and nonprofit organizations seek to provide coaching to colleagues, subordinates, and teams. Renewal Coaching does not replace these perspectives; rather, it adds value to them. If you are already a coach or a leader who uses a coaching perspective, then this framework will help sustain the impact of your efforts. If you are a member of an organization that is enduring "initiative fatigue" as a result of one change effort after another, this framework will help focus your energy. If you are a person who has started change efforts but have not been able to continue them over the long term, this framework will help you gain the insight, endurance, and moral purpose to continue your individual journey.

1

How Renewal Coaching Works Clhis book is interactive, and you are the author of your renewal, not merely the reader of information about renewal. Facts and fear, the components of traditional change prescriptions, will not sustain change. You need insight, not just facts. You need a source of meaning beyond fear that is associated with the failure to change. Renewal Coaching provides a series of personal assessments that will

1

PREFACE

Xl

guide individuals and teams through the seven stages of renewal. Each assessment includes both survey and narrative responses, and you can use the pages in the text or convenient online formats to respond. The Renewal Coaching framework has seven elements: 1. Recognition-Finding patterns of toxicity and renewal

2. Reality-Confronting change killers in work and life 3. Reciprocity-Coaching in harmony 4. Resilience-Coaching through pain 5. Resonance-Coaching with emotional intelligence 6. Relationship-Nurturing the personal elements of coaching 7. Renewal-Creating energy, meaning, and freedom to sustain the journey Renewal is the last part of the framework, but it is not a destination anymore than being healthy and happy are destinations. "Life is difficult;' wrote M. Scott Peck ( 1985, p. 1), in one of the most understated theses in literature. He might have added that life within organizations is exceptionally difficult and occasionally brutal. Therefore, the framework in these pages, along with the assessments and reflections, represent a career-long, indeed a lifelong, way of thinking about change that at last extends beyond facts and fear.

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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

FROM DOUG: Words are powerful instruments except when their

task is to offer appreciation to those to whom it is owed. Therefore I offer only the briefest of thanks with the confidence that the heart speaks when the pen fails. Lesley Iura, executive editor at Jossey-Bass, was instrumental in bringing the research and ideas of this book to a wider audience. Literary agent Esmond Harmsworth is a model coach, blending patience with challenge. My colleagues at the Leadership and Learning Center are a continuing source of inspiration and innovation. Cathy Shulkin must have edited more than a million of my words over the past seven years, and it is to her credit that only a few thousand of them made it to the printed page. Robin Hoey also assisted in the preparation of the manuscript and has made life in the office much easier than it would otherwise have been. I also appreciate the keen eye and careful editing of Susan Geraghty and Bev Miller. Elle Allison is not only an inspiring colleague but a true friend, willing to challenge me when others will not. My observations of her coaching practices formed the genesis of this book. Brooks, to whom this book is dedicated, reminds me that writing is a passion as well as a craft. I knew that he was a smart and funny writer long before his work was reviewed in the New York Times, though it helps to have parental wisdom inscribed in the newspaper of record. He has played with words since he was a child, and I hope that he will continue to find pure enjoyment in writing.

Xlll

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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I offer gratitude first to the coaches, clients, and the wise people I have worked with and interviewed. They taught me the most valuable lessons that appear in this book. I am particularly grateful to Paul Axtell, who introduced me to coaching many years ago when I was a novice leader. To this day, Paul is the role model I conjure up in my head and strive to emulate in my work as a coach and as a trainer of coaches. My friends and mentors Rob and Kathy Bocchino were also instrumental to my early development as a leader and coach. I feel fortunate to have been touched so early in my career by their gentle brand of supporting adults during times of change. lowe a special debt of gratitude to Patsy Boverie of the University of New Mexico, who as my professor always treated me as a colleague and as my friend always encouraged me. Words alone cannot thank Cathy Shulkin enough for her editing and coordination of this book and the million and one details that needed attention. Cathy is a role model for resonance. Her optimism, kindness, and equanimity when facing deadlines (even while planning her daughter's wedding) is contagious. I am most fortunate that our literary agent, Esmond Harmsworth, and our editor, Lesley Iura, and the entire team at Jossey-Bass believe that what we have to say in this book is important enough to share. How lucky I am to be included in this opportunity with Doug. While writing this book and living in Washington, D.C., my sister Joanne, her husband, Bill LaPlante, and my nieces Claire and Caroline integrated me into their family life and provided me with extraordinary support and comfort at a time in my life when I desperately needed it. They cooked more dinners for me than I can count and Joanne met me for lunch at fabulous D.C. restaurants nearly every week. My sisters, Mary, Joanne, Maureen, Beth, and Carrie, mean the world to me and I am so thankful they are my family. FROM ELLE:

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

XV

Also in D.c., my sister Carrie and her partner Sarah cared for my dog, Ole', whenever I had to travel. They gave both of us shelter far beyond the amenities of their guest room. For years, my friend Barbara in New Mexico has done the same and Ole' sees her as his second mom. I am blessed with the best of friends who sustain me with their fierce and unconditional love. Over many years, Barbara Jennings, Nancy Ovis, Cindy Pence, and Bette Frasier, have celebrated everything good in my life, including the writing of this book. Yes, I am grateful to my amazing dog, Ole', who is one of the kindest people I know, not to mention the best listener. Most of all, I acknowledge Doug who both inspires me and accepts me. He moves hearts and makes this world a better place.

THE AUTHORS

DOUGLAS B. REEVES is the author of more than twenty books

and fifty articles on leadership and organizational effectiveness. An internationally recognized expert in leadership, he was twice named to the Harvard Distinguished Authors Series and was recently named the Brock International Laureate for his pioneering research. His work appears in national journals, magazines, and newspapers and has been translated into six languages. Through his affiliations with ChangeLeaders.com and the Leadership and Learning Center, he delivers more than eighty keynote addresses annually around the globe to audiences in North and South America, Europe, Asia, and Australia. ELLE ALLISON has worked with clients in health care, business,

education, nonprofit organizations, and government agencies. She is the founder of Wisdom Out, an organization that shares the strategies used by wise people, couples, and organizations to face whatever challenges come their way (www.wisdomout.com). Since 2000 she has conducted countless interviews of people who were identified as being wise by someone who knows them. What these Wisdom Makers have to say will be published in the forthcoming books, What Wise People Do and What Wise Couples Do. Eile designed the Leadership Performance Coaching seminar offered through the Leadership and Learning Center and has authored several articles about

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THE AUTHORS

wisdom, coaching, and leadership. She is a member of the National Speakers Association and through her affiliations with Wisdom Out, ChangeLeaders.com, and the Leadership and Learning Center, she reaches a diverse audience by delivering engaging and informative keynote addresses and seminars on Renewal Coaching, wisdom, and leadership.

PART ONE

Before You Begin Renewal Coaching

1

From Resistance to Renewal

( ] Airiam and Jose are vice presidents of Scanlogix: Miriam,

J Y1 the sales leader, and Jose, the operations chief, lead teams

that are efficient and effective. Their colleagues do their work accurately and on time, and they generally focus their efforts on tasks related to achieving the immediate goals of Scanlogix. A year ago, there was a palpable loss of energy in the team. The usual reports were produced on time and accurately, but they were devoid of insight and analysis. Team members seemed tired even at the beginning of the workday. And although Miriam and Jose had received substantial bonuses, they were anything but motivated. The moment their bonuses had been spent, they approached the parking lot each morning with a sense of boredom. The same scene is repeated in organizations around the world: the nonprofit organization in New York, the professional practice in San Francisco, the school in Kansas City, the entrepreneur in Salem, 'All cases in this book are authentic and represent actual individuals and organizations. The names have been changed to protect the confidentiality of clients, and in some cases, the events portrayed are composites of several clients.

3

4

RENEWAL COACHING

and the government office in Toronto. Hard-working and intelligent leaders have been seduced by the myth of efficiency: if they work hard and smart, rewards, motivation, and energy will follow. But as Miriam and Jose know well, this equation is deeply flawed. Yesterday's reward is today's entitlement; last year's outstanding effort is this year's expectation. Our most effective leaders are thus sucked into a vortex of meaninglessness and powerlessness. If they had to answer the question, "Why do you show up to work every day?" the best response they could provide is a feeble, "More." More money, more stuff, more bills, more accolades from the boss, and looking good for their thirtieth high school reunion. Renewal Coaching asks, "Is this enough?" If your answer is yes, then you will be satisfied by the endless pursuit of efficiency and the infinite pursuit of more. Miriam and Jose, however, decided that the answer to the question was no. With the help of their Renewal Coaches, they started to ask profound questions about their careersindeed, the most profound questions of their lives. The first time that Jose asked his team, "Why does your work matter?" his colleagues thought that he had gone off the deep end. They were stunned when he was unwilling to accept another report that ended in meeting preordained goals. "I didn't ask if you met the goal;' Jose calmly said. "I asked, 'Why does your work matter?'" The resistance that Miriam met when she asked her team, "How will we respond if our division is closed next month because of international economic conditions?" bordered on belligerence. Miriam had been trained to be a positive thinker, and her team had been nurtured on a steady diet of her cheery optimism. This was the first time they had been challenged to consider the impact of failure, defeat, and loss. Their group commitment to the power of positive thinking implied that if loss happened, it was permanent. Loss means death, and the hole created by loss was a descent into the abyss from which

FROM RESISTANCE TO RENEWAL

5

no one ever emerged. Some of Miriam's team members had experienced personal and professional loss, and they were uncomfortable with the topic. When Miriam asked, "How will we respond to loss?" the group's emotional response was that loss was an unspeakable subject. They became suspicious, asking, "What do you know? Is our department going to be eliminated? Why didn't you tell us? Are we going to lose our jobs and our homes?" Miriam replied with assurance, "There is no threat to your jobs, and our performance has been fine. In fact, it's been great. But we must be able to have a rational conversation about resilience-how we can bounce back from loss and defeat. If we can't have that conversation now, we won't be prepared for it when times are tough. We need to ask now, not later, how we find meaning in our jobs and in our lives from sources that are beyond our current goals:' This was unusual talk indeed from someone who was known as a bottom-line manager, and the team was not sure how to respond. The defining moment for these teams came from neither a corporate crisis nor an economic calamity. Miriam's executive assistant, Malcolm, normally the rock of the organization who was known for coming to the office no matter how sick he was, missed several days in a row. Within a few days, the entire organization knew the reason: Malcolm had pancreatic cancer. He was willing to try.chemo and radiation, but everyone knew the score, and Malcolm was way behind. A new sense of purpose soon emerged, with self-organized teams taking food to Malcolm's home every day. Jose and some friends in and outside the firm pitched in to repair Malcolm's roof before winter set in. Miriam's colleagues took Malcolm's mother to the Metropolitan Opera, a lifelong dream and something she had hoped to do with Malcolm. Jose and Miriam marveled that they had never seen such motivation, initiative, efficiency, and caring in the pursuit of corporate

6

RENEWAL COACHING

goals. Their teams had certainly been successful, but they had never been superlative. Why were they so much more effective now? The only answer, Miriam and Jose concluded, lay with Malcolm. As experienced leaders, they had seen glimpses of extraordinary performance in the past. But this was the first time that they put the pieces together. Exceptional commitment is not produced by the pursuit of a 2 percent gain in return on equity or any other ephemeral objective. Rather, Malcolm's tragedy represented the opportunity for team members to pursue the greater good, an objective that promises no return-no bonus, no reward, no commendation, no recognition. The greater good offers nothing except redemption and renewal. We don't know the end of the story. Malcolm still has cancer, and Miriam and Jose still have corporate goals to meet. But the team members and their leaders have been transformed. They no longer shuffle into work counting the seven hours and fifty-nine minutes before they can shuffle out. They no longer waste energy and time in watercooler politics. They no longer invest emotion, energy, and time in complaints that could be devoted to their commitment to today's greater good. They spend their coffee breaks checking in on Malcolm's mom; they donate their accumulated leave so that Malcolm stays eligible for the company health care plan; they e-mail stupid jokes to Malcolm's kids. And yes, they achieve-even beattheir corporate goals. After all, if they don't achieve their goals, they won't be there for Malcolm and his family. Miriam and Jose may not be exceptional leaders, but they are extraordinary with regard to the transformation that they made from efficiency to renewal. Along with their team members, they gained a new perspective, forsaking efficiency for renewal. They know that disappointment can be far deeper than missing a quarterly objective. Real resilience is the ability to bounce back from any defeat, any disappointment, any tragedy.

FROM RESISTANCE TO RENEWAL

7

The story of Miriam and Jose is repeated in a thousand variations every day: the company threatened with takeover, the development of a disruptive technology that can destroy an industry, the school threatened with state takeover, organizations overwhelmed by the departure and arrival of leaders, market changes rendering obsolete today's products and services, and the loss ofloved ones, friends, and colleagues. Disruption is not always in the form of a fast-moving cancer, but disruption is certain in every enterprise. Every sentient leader knows, deep down, that efficiency and effectiveness are insufficient allies in a world overwhelmed by the clouds of change, fear, and loss. The answer is not, as the popular press would have it, to become faster, better, and cheaper. The answer is not efficiency and effectiveness. The answer is neither power nor strength in conventional terms. The answer is renewal.

Renewal Coaching Defined

f7I re you really ready to change? This is the essential question vfl- that coaches and clients must face before they begin the challenges of Renewal Coaching. Renewal Coaching is a framework for helping people and organizations achieve sustainable change in pursuit of the greater good. It is equally important to identify what Renewal Coaching is not. It is not another tired formula to improve efficiency. It is not a consulting equation to solve productivity problems. It is not a strategy to promote comfort and self-satisfaction. It is certainly not a pabulum for promoting complacency with the present state of affairs. At its core, Renewal Coaching is about doing important work, work that has meaning beyond quarterly objectives and performance goals. In contrast to the transient impact of management tricks and illusions, Renewal Coaching provides enduring and sustainable change precisely because it anticipates disappointment

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RENEWAL COACHING

and loss. Renewal never happens in the fairyta1e land of unending success and uninterrupted happiness. Renewal is inextricably linked with resilience, and resilience is inevitably the result of loss. Research suggests that for most people, enthusiasm for change far outstrips action. Even when the case for change is clear and compelling, powerful emotional and psychological forces stand against change. Deutschman (2007) recounts the stunning findings of medical research that reveals that even when patients are facing a death sentence if they fail to change-the consequences for heart surgery patients who continue to smoke and overeat-the odds against change are staggering. Kotter (1996, 2007) demonstrates that organizations are no better than individuals when it comes to adapting to essential changes, and he estimates that more than 70 percent of organizational change initiatives faiL Renewal Coaching has a unique1ytransformative impact on individuals and organizations. Whereas current coaching frameworks focus on individual and organizational performance, the multidimensional perspective of Renewal Coaching provides the optimum intersection of individual performance, organizational performance, resilience, renewal, and a focus on the greater good. This is not naive idealism, but rather a critical component of sustaining effective change. While short-term pressures, threats, and rewards can sometimes create a sense of urgency for initiating a change initiative, these motivators are never enough to sustain those initiatives. This is why organizations abandon the vast majority of even their most successful change initiatives. Ultimately the rewards and punishments associated with achieving short-term objectives are insufficient to sustain change. Therefore, even currently popular coaching frameworks that appear to be effective in the short run are not sustainable unless coaches apply the principles of Renewal Coaching.

FROM RESISTANCE TO RENEWAL

9

Ultimately the rewards and punishments associated with achieving short-term objectives are not sufficient to sustain change.

What Is Renewal Coaching?

CD enewal Coaching is an approach to personal and professional .l. \?evelopment that develops

the individual and the organization in service of the greater good. The results of Renewal Coaching include sustained personal and organizational energy to create and implement change that transcends the vision of leaders and teams. Organizations do not engage people with the rallying cry, "Let's give our all for the organization!" and they do not fire the imagination with goals for quarterly revenues and profits in business or professional practice, test scores in schools, or grants received in a nonprofit organization. These achievements are certainly important-indeed necessary-for organizations, but they do not alone create renewal. We must ask the essential question of Renewal Coaching: What can we create together that matters for all of us and for the world? This is not hyperbole but a multigenerational imperative. Millennial generation members who entered the workforce in the twenty-first century expect employers to have a commitment to the planet, and their colleagues who are twice their age are reconsidering the narcissism of an earlier era and asking if there isn't more to meaning than the balance in their pension fund. Perhaps the aspiration to change the world and create a greater good seems far-fetched to the reader who thinks, "That's a fine idea in theory, but I have immediate needs right now. My team needs to improve its performance, and I need to improve my leadership skills.

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We need results, not platitudes." Fair enough. Let us consider the results of one organization that unabashedly reaches for the stars. Google was recently named the most innovative company in the world by Fast Company, the leading journal of innovation for twentyfirst-century organizations (Salter, 2008). How has this exceptional organization maintained its success as it has grown more than a thousand-fold in less than a decade? The answer is a common refrain from the engineers to the executives to the people in the kitchen: We want to change the world; anything less just isn't very inspiring. Fast Company journalists are trained to smoke out hyperbole and on a regular basis skewer self-important business leaders whose slogans outpace their performance. But the deeper they dug into Google's culture, the more they found a commitment to changing the world for the greater good. Google's commitment to idealism is entirely compatible with a commitment to delivering value for customers, shareholders, and employees. While many other technology companies have suffered financial setbacks and their stocks have been battered in the market, Google's revenues, profits, and market value continue to be strong, despite the record economic challenges of 2008. The pace of Google innovations is measured in weeks, not years, and the company's engineering teams deliver a dizzying array of new products every year. At the same time, the company's commitment to philanthropy (the company-funded foundation has more than $1 billion in assets), environmental awareness (Google is a leader in carbon-neutral corporate responsibility), and organizational climate (benefits are exceptional and employees are permitted to work up to 20 percent of their time on self-selected projects, often related to the passion for service and justice shared by many employees). This commitment to the world beyond an individual, job, department, or organization is the essence

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of Renewal Coaching. Indeed, it is the distinction between traditional coaching models and the multidimensional approach in this book. Paul Hawken (2007) has documented the power of renewal for large and small organizations, profit and nonprofit, throughout the world. In addition to reaching their revenue objectives, they are committed to social justice and environmental restoration. Without hierarchy, mandates, or manipulation, these organizations have employed the power of networks to make changes that are meaningful, large in scope, and unusually rapid. Our own experience with the power of renewal includes a dizzying variety of people, from stonemasons to shoe salesmen, from CEOs to teachers, from scientists to frontline managers. In the following pages, you will meet some of these people whose commitment to renewal for the greater good demonstrates that the power of these ideas transcends occupations, industries, and national borders.

ESSENTIALS OF RENEWAL COACHING

Renewal Coaching takes place within a framework of seven essential elements: Recognition-Finding patterns of toxicity and renewal Reality-Confronting change killers in work and life Reciprocity-Coaching in harmony Resilience-Coaching through pain Relationship-Nurturing the personal elements of coaching Resonance-Coaching with emotional intelligence Renewal-Creating energy, meaning, and freedom to sustain the journey

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RENEWAL COACHING

Although these elements are not necessarily sequential, they are mutually reinforcing, and therefore are all essential to achieve the full value of renewal. When individuals and organizations commit to this framework, they find that while typical management and leadership strategies drive performance, Renewal Coaching and a focus on the greater good draw performance. The difference is profound, particularly when organizations face challenging times. Performance-driven cultures can be sustained by bonuses, recognition, and what psychologists call extrinsic motivation (Slavin, 2006). But in a Renewal Coaching organization, performance is drawn not with short-term rewards, but with the bone-deep conviction that our work matters far beyond the achievement of quarterly objectives. On the surface, this may seem to be a moral or philosophical distinction that organizations can ill afford when the competitive environment demands high performance. But in a startlingly counterintuitive synthesis of the evidence, Kohn (1993, 1999, 2005) concluded that the typical punishment and reward system so revered by Western culture simply does not work. In fact, it is counterproductive. When people become habituated to rewards, both economic and verbal, they are incapable of sustaining the work simply because it is valuable work. Envision a continuum from narcissism at one extreme to monastic self-denial at the other. One extreme asks only, "What's in it for me?" The other extreme diminishes the individual to the point of self-sacrifice. Renewal Coaching rejects both extremes as it challenges people to seek an ultimate source of energy that is beyond rewards, recognition, and punishment, but also does not demand self-sacrifice, which by definition is not renewable. Renewal Coaching is the golden mean in which great work is sustained by neither self-defeating rewards nor self-limiting sacrifice, but by the energy associated with

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a thoughtful commitment that includes relationships and resonance, essential elements of the Renewal Coaching framework.

A

FRAMEWORK, NOT A MENU

We caution that these components are not a menu from which readers can choose (,'I'll take some of the renewal, please, and a couple of relationships"). As researchers, we understand the value of equivocation and necessity of caution in expressing conclusions. Nevertheless, the evidence is clear on three key points. First, every change requires dissonance. This is what Mezirow (2000) calls the disorienting dilemma. Without dissonance, either the change was an illusion in the first place, or it was so insignificant that it lacked impact. That change requires dissonance is a universal law. Second, sustainable individual and organizational change requires renewal, the energy to complete the journey. In the short term, we can perform tasks, from losing weight to running a marathon, from improving organizational efficiency to implementing better-quality controls. But even effective change efforts fade over time without renewal. Third, renewal requires the previous six components of the framework: recognition, reality, reciprocity, resilience, relationship, and resonance. Without recognition, we lack the understanding of what must change. Without reality, we fail to acknowledge the difference between the ideal and real states of performance. Without reciprocity, we fail to share experiences and vulnerability. Change is an isolating and lonely experience, and without reciprocity, the isolation can cripple personal motivational and organizational momentum. Without resilience, the pain of change will become immobilizing. Without relationships, the interpersonal support essential to sustainability will evaporate. And without resonance, the void of empathy and other critical emotional

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RENEWAL COACHING

intelligence characteristics will undermine even the most determined coach, client, and organization.

Why Traditional Coaching Efforts Are Not Enough (#here are four prevailing models of coaching, displayed in Figure 1.1. Coaching models on the horizontal axis are divided between those that focus on personal and organizational performance; on the vertical axis, they are divided between the models that focus on therapeutic and performance objectives. By "therapeutic:' we do not mean to imply a formal medical or psychiatric intervention, but rather the nuance of a phrase in the American Heritage Dictionary definition of psychotherapy, which notes that the goal of the practice includes "changes in behavior leading to improved social and vocational functioning, and personality growth:' The application of these two axes yields a matrix that describes the four prevailing systems of coaching. The personal therapeutic model, in the lower lefthand column, is widely practiced by leading executive coaches. At its best, world-class coaches such as Marshall Goldsmith (Goldsmith & Reiter, 2007) focus on improving the behavior of individuals, with a typical emphasis on improved interpersonal skills, leadership, time management, and individual behaviors associated with improved effectiveness.

1

PERSONAL THERAPEUTIC COACHING

Far less effective are practitioners of personal therapeutic coaching, described by Barry Conchie of the Gallup Organization (2007), who notes that "a cadre of well-intentioned coaches peddles their wares in a 'feel-good' market that caters to the upper echelons of

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15

Figure 1.1 Two-Dimensional Coaching

Goal is Efficiency: Achieve personal objectives and manage time, projects, people

Goal is Effectiveness: Achieve organizational goals and execute coordinated strategies

Goal is Satisfaction: Achieve sense of personal approval and reassurance

Goal is Comfort: Achieve cooperation and conflict resolution

Personal

Organizational

corporate America. The problem is, the results just might not make a difference for the leaders' businesses. The contrast between a 'feelgood' approach and one that is candid, objective, and incisive, is stark. As executives search to address their vulnerabilities by seeking out an independent voice, feel-good feedback can give them a nice emotional boost, but the results may leave them wondering whether it was worth it. For some, feeling good becomes synonymous with feeling comfortable" (p. 193). Conchie's critique is joined by Sherman and Freas (2004), who observe that at its worst, coaching can be a poor substitute for therapy, delaying psychological treatment that some depressed and anxious executives sorely need.

PERSONAL PERFORMANCE COACHING

The second contemporary coaching framework, in the lower lefthand quadrant of Figure 1.1, is the personal performance framework, exemplified by models where clearly definable quantitative targets are present. Coaches who focus on improved performance in sales,

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RENEWAL COACHING

physical performance, or other quantifiable goals exemplify the personal performance quadrant. Their appeal is undeniable because their purveyors can sometimes provide statistics that offer what buyers crave: short-term results. With a combination of rewards, punishments, incentives, embarrassments, celebrations, and humiliations, personal performance coaches can create change, at least for a while. Unfortunately, as Martha Beck (2007) reminds us, the research on the failure of most personal change initiatives is unequivocal: whether the desired performance is to stop smoking, lose weight, or increase the number of contacts made by salespeople, the record of long-term sustainability is a sorry one.

ORGANIZATIONAL THERAPEUTIC COACHING

The quadrant in the lower right-hand corner of Figure 1.1 represents the organizational therapeutic approach to coaching. When the objective is to encourage communication, reduce silos, or resolve conflicts, the organizational therapeutic approach can offer useful tools, including norms for meetings or signals designed to defuse potentially explosive situations. Coaching of this nature is particularly important when cultures clash, such as after a merger or acquisition or a change in senior leadership. If the stunningly low level of success of mergers and acquisitions is any indication, then cultural clashes overwhelm theoretical synergies almost every time. The same phenomenon occurs in the public sector, when changes in a majority of the boards of trustees of school systems and nonprofit organizations frequently lead to a change in executive leadership. Therefore, although organizational therapeutic coaching may help to address short-term conflict and communication, it frequently fails to address the underlying causes that led to the adversarial behavior in the first place.

FROM RESISTANCE TO RENEWAL

17

ORGANIZATIONAL PERFORMANCE COACHING

The fourth and final traditional coaching framework, organizational performance, is in the upper-right-hand quadrant of Figure 1.1. Here the coaching claims extend to systemic change, a laudable, if rarely achieved, goal. John Kotter (2007) of the Harvard Business School, one of the world's leading authorities on changes in organization, laments that more than two-thirds of change initiatives are never even implemented and an astonishing 90 percent are never implemented as designed. Summing up mountains of research on the organizational change around the world, Hargreaves and Fink (2006) begin their landmark work, Sustainable Leadership, with the contention that change is "easy to propose, hard to implement, and extraordinarily difficult to sustain" (p. 1). Even short-term success, they note, almost always turns into long-term disappointment because "while heroic leaders can achieve great things through investing vast amounts of their time and energy, as the years pass, this energy is rarely inexhaustible, and many of these leaders and the people who work for them ultimately burn out" (p. 2).

SUMMING

Up

TRADITIONAL COACHING

In sum, traditional coaching has been an insufficient remedy for the failures of individual and organizational change. Whether focused on salving the ego of an executive or focusing on legitimate performance needs of the individual and organization, the four existing coaching frameworks inevitably hit the nearly insurmountable obstacles of fatigue and ennui. Let us be clear: these obstacles are not the fault of a coach or a leader, but a natural part of the cycle of change. Practitioners within the four prevailing coaching models include coaches and clients who are sincere, honest, and competent. But they

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RENEWAL COACHING

are rarely effective over the long term. Traditional coaching models are a victim of their own success, preferring the comfort that they create over the transformation to which they aspire. Only a coaching system that anticipates the need for renewal and works through the psychological and organizational barriers to sustained change will provide enduring results. Efficiency and effectiveness are necessary but insufficient qualities for sustainable change. At best, they lead to an extraordinary amount of intellectual and emotional energy, time, and resources devoted to the execution of initiatives that may not be sustainable because they lack the focus of Renewal Coaching, the Greater Good.

A Better Way: Sustained Change Through Renewal

T

here is a better way, and that is the subject of this book. Although there is nothing wrong with the focus on traditional coaching modeled on personal and organizational performance, these therapeutic and organizational orientations are insufficient for sustainable change. Consider Figure 1.2. In the lower righthand quadrant, we consider where many clients are today. They are already engaged in a number of effective coaching programs. They are better time managers and project managers, improved personnel managers, and they have a well-aligned series of strategies to support their organization's mission and vision. They are no doubt working very hard, yet something is missing. The occupants of the boredom quadrant don't have many complaints-they are meeting expectations and have engaged in a great deal of training. They are certainly better off than their counterparts who occupy the quadrant of despair. In the lower left-hand quadrant, we have the worst

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19

Figure 1.2 Multidimensional Coaching

Frustration Excellent insights, low organizational and personal impact

Renewal Meaningful work, important relationships, and flawless execution

NOT SUSTAINABLE

Despair Work without meaning or impact, so it takes forever to get very little accomplished

Boredom Excellent time and project management but the work has lost its meaning

NOT SUSTAINABLE

NOT SUSTAINABLE

Low

High

Efficiency and Effectiveness

of all possible worlds, combining poor efficiency and effectiveness along with the pursuit of meaningless objectives. It is a toxic work environment in which people work aimlessly in pursuit of meaninglessness. It is the caricature on which comedy series, such as "'The Office" and "Dilbert" are based. Of course, the reason that these comedies are successful is that they strike a responsive chord with so many people in the modern workplace. In the upper left-hand quadrant, frustration, we find a number of nonprofit organizations or the well-intentioned twenty-first century enterprise that aspires to be a value-driven company. Some of these companies have even put in their charitable goals and commitment to sustainable energy policies in their charters and bylaws, but when the reality of the demands for efficiency and effectiveness conflicted with idealism, the latter loses every time. You can't contribute profits to worthy causes if you do not first earn those profits in the course of running an efficient and effective enterprise. You can't sell virtue or market

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RENEWAL COACHING

self-righteousness. People who dwell in the Frustration quadrant sometimes airily dismiss the traditional pursuit of efficiency and effectiveness. These are the people who like to give long-winded speeches about the difference between leadership (visitation and dynamic) and management (dreary and mundane), all the while failing to understand that they cannot be visionary leaders without effective management of people, time, and projects. The path to sustainability lies in the upper right-hand quadrant, renewal. These people and organizations can cast a vision toward the horizon while keeping their feet firmly on the ground. They are motivated by the greater good and they believe that their work has deep meaning for people and the planet. They also know that establishing objectives, meeting goals, organizing projects, and keeping commitments are all part of sustainability. There are three paths toward renewal (see Figure 1.3). The first path illustrates the journey from boredom to renewal. This is the path frequently followed by clients who already have engaged in successful coaching. Their managerial skills are excellent and they are masters of people, time, and project management. They have a record of setting and achieving performance goals and are unquestionably effective and efficient executives. However, something is missing. Even when they achieve success and receive laudatory comments, there is something missing, a hole that is not filled by quantitative goals alone. In order to achieve sustainability, they must follow the path from efficiency and effectiveness toward renewal. Note well that this is not a rejection of the skills, knowledge, and capacities that led them to high levels of excellence. It is simply that, as unpopular a notion as it may be to say, excellence alone is not enough. The second path is from despair to renewal. This is the most challenging and circuitous journey, because those who are stuck in the quadrant of despair hardly know where to begin. They are

FROM RESISTANCE TO RENEWAL

21

Figure 1.3 Three Paths Toward Renewal

Frustration from Good Intentions to Meaningful Impact

PATH #3:

... ~

[),' '

Renewal

/)

from Efficiency to Renewal

PATH #1:

Boredom

from Despair to Meaning

PATH #2:

Low

High Efficiency and Effectiveness

overwhelmed on a daily basis for lack of the most basic time management abilities, and they lack a sense of meaning in their work. They might be working very hard, but they are working with futility, growing weary while not accomplishing very much. Even when they finish a task, they are unable to find meaning in the completed work. Although the second path appears to be linear, this is an oversimplification. As the arrows indicate, it may be necessary for those in the quadrant of despair to first improve basic time management skills. For those emotionally overwhelmed, it may be necessary first to find a greater sense of meaning in pursuit of the greater good. One thing is certain-each additional day in the quadrant of despair is a soul-killing way to live. The third path, from good intentions to meaningful action, is taken by those whose commitment to the greater good is undermined by their ability to transform noble intentions into actions and results. This path is the challenge for many volunteer organizations as well as those commercial enterprises that have become too internally focused. Organizations and people in the

22

RENEWAL COACHING

frustration quadrant are almost always caring, decent, and passionate people. But they soon learn that earnestness is no substitute for execution. The goal of this chapter has not been to disparage traditional coaching models but rather to suggest that many coaching relationships, however effective they may be, can be reenergized by the Renewal Coaching framework. Coaches that have helped bring order out of chaos for individuals and organizations have performed enormously valuable services. They have helped organizations to clarify their vision, establish strategies, and create action plans to execute those strategies. Businesses and organizations of every stripe depend on these coaches. We suggest, however, that there is a second act to many of these coaching relationships, if only the coaches and clients are willing to acknowledge that their journey is not done. The telltale signs of boredom are warning signals that the changes the client has made are not sustainable without a new focus on the greater good that will lead the client toward renewal. Similarly, personal coaching relationships that have helped clients find meaning, hope, and value are of exceptional worth in giving the client the gift of hope. But hope without action is a prescription for frustration. Thus for these clients, the coaching relationship can be fruitfully extended by a greater emphasis on building capacity for effective effort. Each part of the Renewal Coaching framework will help coaches and clients move along one of these three paths toward renewal. In the next seven chapters, we will consider how each element of the framework can be used to help you on your journey. Storber and Grant (2006) have marshaled impressive research from business, educational, nonprofit, medical, and governmental organizations. Using a combination of large-scale quantitative studies and detailed case studies, they come to the overwhelming conclusion that effective coaching not only provides measurable gains in

FROM RESISTANCE TO RENEWAL

23

interpersonal skills and executive efficiency and effectiveness for the coaching client but also delivers measurable results for the client's organization. Efficiency and effectiveness alone, however, are not enough. What will sustain the coaching relationship over the long term are the added dimensions of resilience and the pursuit of the greater good, and it is the combination of these factors that will give power and meaning to every coaching relationship, whether it is long established or a new beginning. The term coach is widely used to refer to a wide variety of different services. For the purpose of this book, we offer a clear distinction between consulting, the provision of solution-based services to address specific problems, and coaching, the building of capacity using a framework based on systematic assessment, feedback, and inquiry. Our purpose in making this distinction is not to diminish the important role that consulting plays for individuals and organizations, but rather to distinguish the role of the coach. Consultants almost always require specific expertise, typically within the same industry, in order to analyze problems and consider alternatives and recommend solutions. Coaches, by contrast, deliver a great deal of benefit to the client through a variety of perspectives in many different industries. What the coach learns from working with clients in health care and nonprofit organizations, for example, can help provide important benefits to clients in business enterprises and governmental organizations. It is possible for the same person to be both a consultant and a coach, but it is unwise to mix these two roles within the same conversation. Coaches who also serve as clients can anticipate the demand from the client, "Just tell me what to do!" The wise coach will decline this opportunity, as it provides a short-term "solution" at the expense of long-term capacity building. To paraphrase the Chinese proverb, the consultant provides the bait, hook, and line, all the while pointing to the most likely part of the ocean in which

24

REN EWAL COAC H I NG

to catch the fish for today's meal. The coach takes the time to learn about the client, the client's environment, and the client's long-term need in order to support a lifetime of self-sufficiency. Renewal Coaching does not require a client-coach fit based on matching professional experiences. It is simply not true, for example, that only a former vice president of finance can coach a vice president of finance, that only a former middle school principal can coach a middle school principal, or that only a former hospital executive director can coach a hospital executive director. This surprising finding is based on the distinction between consulting and Renewal Coaching. Consultants use expertise to solve problems. Renewal coaches deepen the ability of individuals and

WHAT RENEWAL COACHING IS NOT • Evaluation of the client • Consulting for the client to solve job-specific and industryspecific problems • Back channel of communication between the client and the client's boss or other people within the organization • A replacement coaching model that discards all current coaching models in the organization • An opportunity for the client to emotionally vent without

meaningful follow-up actions • Therapy for clients who suffer from depression, anxiety, or stress-related disorders • One-sided and passive, with the coach doing all the work and the client taking notes • Easy-a quick fix for complex challenges

FRO M RE SI STAN CE TO RENEWAL

25

WHAT RENEWAL COACHING IS • A framework for engaging clients and their organizations to improve performance in pursuit of the greater good. Renewal coaching can be used to create new coaching relationships or to enhance existing coaching relationships. • A confidential relationship between client and coach. • Direct feedback based on objective evidence, including evidence from the coaching conversations and other objective evidence provided by the client about the challenges at hand. • Reciprocal listening and questions. • Action oriented. • Renewing-a source of energy, not a consumer of energy.

organizational to solve problems through a process of inquiry, reflection, and informed dialogue. This is not a competition because most organizations need both expert consultants and Renewal Coaching. When you are building a bridge, completing a tax return, or registering intellectual property with a foreign government, you need the specific expertise of consultants in those areas. Renewal Coaching helps to sustain people and their organizations so that their bridges, tax returns, intellectual property, and everything else that they do has meaning beyond a daily task list or quarterly objective. In brief, consultants help build tools; Renewal Coaching helps build people, relationships, organizations, and purpose. The Renewal Coaching framework provides a theoretical ideal. The question is, What does it look like in practice? In the next chapter, we listen in on excerpts from seven coaching conversations, each illustrating one of the seven elements of the Renewal Coaching framework.

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RENEWA L COACH I NG

TOOLS FOR RENEWAL COACHES If you are an experienced coach, it might be helpful for you to have a copy of the figures in this chapter so that you can explain to your coaching clients how you are adding value through Renewal Coaching. For a download of these graphics, go to www .ChangeLeaders.com, and click on Renewal Coaching and select Support.

2

The Renewal Coaching Framework AN OVERVIEW

~e Renewal Coaching framework has seven essential compo-

.1 • • • • • • •

~ents:

Recognition Reality Reciprocity Resilience Relationship Resonance Renewal

In this chapter, we introduce each component and explore how they fit together to provide personal and organizational renewal.

Recognition-Finding Patterns of Toxicity and Renewal (1 n the context of Renewal Coaching, the essence of recognition

1

is the identification of patterns. A client's occasional comment about what is going wrong is an observation. The same comment in 27

28

RENEWAL COACHING

multiple contexts is indicative of a pattern. Recognizing patterns requires attention to detail in personal performance, organizational performance, communication patterns, and interpersonal relationships. Renewal coaches listen not only for the obvious need that clients and organizations express but also for the unstated needperhaps even a need that the client denies. Look for clues to pattern recognition such as these: • "We're doing pretty well, but it always seems as if we hit our goals at the last minute. We look good on paper, but in reality, our results are always the result of a last-minute fire drill. But it's really not a problem, because we always hit our goals:' The pattern here is a lack of sustainability. When people or organizations operate in crisis mode, frantically achieving goals at the last moment, they are substituting adrenaline for impact. The reptilian response, "fight or flight;' can lead to enormous bursts of energy followed by exhaustion. People and organizations that assume that they can get the energy without the exhaustion are delusional. • "I can't describe it precisely, but every time these two particular people come into the room, 1 just cringe. They are not overtly abusive, and it's nothing that 1 can write up on an evaluation or even complain about. It's just the occasional way they roll their eyes, interrupt people, and generally make everyone else in the room feel inferior. We've been working together for a while, and 1 guess 1 really can't expect them to change. The truth is that I'm really angry with them, but if 1 ever showed that anger, then IQ be just as bad as they are:' The pattern here is conflict avoidance. Sometimes that's a good idea, particularly when nuclear weapons are involved. But in the daily human interactions of organizations, conflict avoidance leads to the

THE RENEWAL COACHING FRAMEWORK

29

toleration and subtle encouragement of bullying behavior. In fact, it only substitutes internal conflict and accompanying stress and anxiety for public conflict. Although the latter is uncomfortable and unpleasant, it is essential, particularly when abusive people and inappropriate behaviors would otherwise continue without interruption . • "Look, I'm not a bad person, but I lead a stressful life in a highperformance environment and you can't blame me if I blow off some steam now and then. Renewal? Fat chance. Every single encounter with somebody at work is stressful because they know that I'm focused on results and not excuses. The minute I come home, I get hit with a bunch of complaints by my spouse and kids, but when I try to solve the problems for them, they don't seem interested. I keep getting high marks on my evaluations, however, so I guess I'm doing okay:' The pattern here is false heroics. Superman swoops in to solve every problem and Bat Woman vanquishes the villains, not because both of them are particularly heroic, but because they maintain an environment in which they equate personal intervention with genuine assistance. Although they think that they are problem-solvers, they are unsustainable and frail people, very close to burn-out, and so filled with anxiety and rage that they create a climate of fear at home and at work. • "When do I feel most renewed? Every few weeks I volunteer at a school in a neighboring community. These are kids who don't speak English at home, and they have a pretty tough time at school. You should see their eyes light up when I just give them my full attention and listen to them read. It's like I'm the only adult to take them seriously and treat them as individuals. I always walk out of those sessions with a full heart. Frankly, I never feel that way at work or even at home:' The pattern here is

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RENEWAL COACHING

self-awareness. With genuine insight, this person understands that meaning is not always associated with the tangible rewards of a job. In fact, those least able to provide rewards can be most likely to promote renewal. • "My job in marketing is all about delivery-taking ideas that other people have developed and presenting them in a coherent and organized way. But what really renews me is when I can create something new. This may sound funny, but I'm a church organist, and the most fun thing I do every week is to improvise the last verse of a hymn. It's something I really work on and it sounds great. I can't remember 99 percent of the sermons I've ever heard, but I know that I've contributed something to the spiritual experiences of other people when they hear a familiar hymn expressed in a different way. It just makes me feel alive, as if I've contributed something new to the world. It's really the only time in my life when I feel that creative:' The pattern here is creativity, a quality that does not necessarily require the generation of new ideas or original pieces of art. Rather, creativity can result from variations on a theme, from a new way of expressing old ideas, or from the creation of literal and figurative harmonies that accompany a preexisting theme. • '1\t work I'm so buttoned up. Our culture is that you never let loose, never let the customers or colleagues see you in anything less than a professional context. But when I'm belly dancing, I feel that I can trust my own movements. I just know what comes next, following the music, the rhythms, and integrating the core moves that are part of every dance. There is structure to the dance, but every moment is infused with my own creativity and very personal expression. Most people think that belly dancing involves allure and seduction, but for me, it's empowering and expressive-an exceptionally creative and

THE RENEWAL COACHING FRAMEWORK

31

powerful impulse. Of course, if I ever tried that at work, I'd be humiliated and embarrassed:' One of the several patterns here is alternative identity. Although many people have public identities that diverge from their private identities, the latter can be a source of embarrassment and shame. In fact, alternative identities can be sources of experimentation and renewal. We are not condemned to let past be prologue, but can consider, attempt, and evaluate alternatives. Alternative identities need not be the source of secrecy and hypocrisy, but are merely attempts at exploration. Children routinely do this in their roleplaying games. Sadly, adults too frequently are afraid to recall the lessons of childhood in which experimentation is not a source of embarrassment, but of learning. The traditional coach who is focused on organizational efficiency might regard the details in these statements as frivolous. The purpose of coaching for them is the transference of skills to achieve immediate impact. That is, after all, what the company is paying for. Coaches who are focused on a therapeutic response might endeavor to make clients feel a little better about the contradictions in their lives. Sure, hymn improvisations and belly dancing are uncommon preoccupations for successful professionals, but the most important thing is that you feel good about your choices. The renewal coach examines comments for patterns. The isolated details that seem irrelevant in the context of good overall performance can yield valuable clues for the renewal coach to challenge the sources of toxic emotions: fear, jealousy, and anger, for example. When learning about potential sources of inspirational energy, the renewal coach makes connections-call it "belly dancing in the boardroom." Taken literally, this proposition would seem absurd. But a renewal coach understands that personal expression and creativity, including

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RENEWAL COACHING

physical performances, are essential sources of energy for a client and can find connections between the private and public lives of clients that would otherwise remain separated by an impenetrable wall.

A renewal coach understands that personal expression and creativity, including physical performances, are essential sources of energy for a client.

Reality-Confronting Change Killers in Work and Life

T

he primary obligation of the coach is to speak the truth, even when clients are reluctant to hear it. Sometimes the truth is a reflection of what the client has expressed during coaching conversations but has been reluctant to admit. Other times the truth is a reflection of economic realities, observable behaviors of other people, or other external evidence. The following comments from coaches demonstrate the reality component of the framework:

• "In each of our conversations, you have been asking how you can persuade your most reluctant colleagues to become more enthusiastic about the changes you want to implement. You've said that they are unhappy, oppositional, disengaged, and almost defiant. In fact, you appear to be pretty focused on these three people. I haven't heard you say much about the other seventeen people in your department. What would happen if you refocused your leadership from these three change killers to the other seventeen people who are willing to support you and who in fact might be enthusiastic about your changes?"

THE IUNEWAL COACHING FRAMEWORK

33

• "You say that you want to keep Jack working with you, but in our last three conversations, you have not offered a single piece of evidence that he contributes to your team. Is there a reason that you are so reluctant to acknowledge that you and Jack are not working effectively together?" • "Susan has missed two of your last three team meetings and sat silently during the third. You also said that she has stopped making her regular e-mail and voice-mail reports to you. But you also said that you believe that you don't think there are any problems with Susan's teamwork, cooperation, or relationships. How do you interpret Susan's behavior? • "You said in our previous meeting that your primary goals for the organization were innovation and growth, but in the list of performance objectives that you sent to me, I don't see very many ideas directly related to those goals. In fact, most of your objectives are about completing short-term tasks that will make your boss and colleagues happy, but they don't seem to be related to innovation and growth. Can you help me understand why your objectives and the organizational goals aren't connected?" • ''I've been taking notes on what you've been saying, and so far there are about fourteen separate small irritants that appear to drive you crazy and interfere with your effectiveness and your personal energy. But none of these fourteen is big enough for you to do anything about. Let's just focus on one of these issues: the late start of your Monday meetings. What are you and your team gaining from tolerating the late start? What are you and your team losing from tolerating the late start?" • "Thanks for sending me your calendar and task list for today. I've looked it over, and there are some things m like to ask you about. Of all the things on them, which three are most directly

34

RENEWAL COACHING

related to the two big goals we have discussed? What would you and your organization gain if you focused on only those three tasks and either delegated or eliminated the others? What would you and your organization lose if you focused on only those three tasks?" In order to start the renewal process, both coach and client must confront reality. This includes identifying high-leverage activities and a relentless focus on personal and organizational goals. Too often coaching conversations are diverted by an attempt to put out the fire of the day, deal with a crisis, handle an emotional reaction to a colleague, or otherwise focus on distractions of the moment. The finesse required of the renewal coach is to distinguish between distractions that must be set aside and those that are persistent and profound impediments to the client and the organization.

Reciprocity-Coaching in Harmony ( ] ) enewal Coaching is a reciprocal experience, with mutual 1 ~ommitments required from both coach and client. This is in striking contrast to coaching as a professional service relationship in which the client commitment is largely related to paying the bills and the commitment of the service provider is to provide accurate advice and maintain ethical and professional standards. The renewal coach and client exchange commitments that extend beyond a fee-for-service arrangement. In a traditional relationship, the coach is the teacher, and the client is the learner; in Renewal Coaching, both coach and client are teachers and learners. To illustrate the component of reciprocity, consider these comments from clients:

THE RENEWAL COACHING FRAMEWORK

35

• "When I was preparing for a meeting last week, I realized that I didn't have all of the information I needed. If you had been here, I know that you would have challenged me, asking if my conclusions were really supported by the evidence. When I slowed down, I realized that there were two additional recommendations that were equally valid and that I had an obligation to go beyond my original impulse to share only the evidence that supported my first conclusion:' • ''I've started to use your techniques with my colleagues when they ask me to solve a problem or make a decision. In fact, I've started to realize that an important part of my responsibilities is not solving problems and not making decisions, but rather forcing my colleagues to do so. You've helped me understand that a good teacher doesn't just stand at the blackboard and show students that the teacher knows the answer. The good teacher is willing to endure the silence while students learn to solve the problem. That's what Renewal Coaching has helped me do: become a better teacher for my colleagues not by teaching them, but by allowing them to learn:' Renewal coaches show evidence of reciprocity when they reject the role of all-knowing expert and embrace the Zen principle of the "beginner's mind" (Suzuki, 1970). This perspective turns on its head the traditional notion that coaches build trust through expertise, specialization, and knowledge of the details of the business of the client. In fact, as one client told Elle, "When I finally understood that you didn't know anything, I began to trust you." Clients routinely take risks, entrusting coaches with their unresolved problems and confiding their greatest challenges. The "coach as expert" takes little risk and provides ready-made answers. This makes the coach little different

36

RENEWAL COACHING

from a tax attorney who, having found the right loophole for the corporation, considers the job done. The renewal coach doesn't look for or deliver loopholes, quick fixes, or other solutions. In fact, the sentences of renewal coaches are far more likely to end with a question mark than a period, and, in contrast to the coach as expert, their sentences never end in an exclamation point. While the stressed-out client may demand, "I just need an answer, and I need it now!" the renewal coach will resist the impulse to solve short-term problems at the expense of developing the long-term insight and wisdom of the client. This is not to say that renewal coaches lack expertise, insight, or wisdom; they simply do not need to crow about it. Their success is not a reflection of their personal qualities but rather a reflection of the success of their clients.

The renewal coach will resist the impulse to solve short-term problems at the expense of developing the long-term insight and wisdom of the client.

Resilience-Coaching Through Pain

en isappointment and loss are part of the human experience in '1/ work and life. Renewal coaches help clients develop resilience

not through unbounded, superficial, and unsustainable optimism, but through an analysis of the client's responses to painful experiences. In metallurgy, modulus of resilience refers to the point beyond which a metal bar, once bent, cannot return to its original shape. Even the strongest steel beams must have some flexibility in order to sustain shifts in the earth while the beams are supporting giant skyscrapers. If the beams are too rigid or too flexible, the results can be catastrophic.

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37

In human terms, we all must bend as well, but our resilience is not without limit. The flexibility of today can become the paralysis of tomorrow, when the eager executive accepts more projects than can be reasonably accomplished in the time frame allotted. In some work relationships, the client can attempt to be accommodating, allowing for the personal quirks and oddities of a colleague. It's inconvenient and irritating, but hardly an organization disaster. But in other relationships, the habit of accommodation can lead to catastrophic results, including intimidation or harassment. While renewal coaches help clients maximize resilience, they also help clients establish essential boundaries so that the clients do not bend beyond their personal modulus of resilience. Consider these examples of resilience in coaching conversations: • "You really sound hurt and disappointed about your latest evaluation. You've told me the parts of the evaluation that you disagree with. Please tell me what parts of that evaluation ring true for you:' • "When your proposal was rejected by the board, that really must have been disappointing. In fact, it sounds as if you think that was a personal rejection of you. Let's talk about the next proposal that you intend to take to the board. Based on what happened with your last proposal, what will you do differently next time? Is it really you who needs to change, or is it your planning, communication, and justification for the proposal that needs to change?" • "Sandra really let you down on this project, and you sound quite frustrated and angry not just with Sandra but with yourself. And now you are experiencing deep regret for showing your frustration and anger. This has happened before, and each time I listen to you talk about it, you sound even more upset.

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So before this spiral continues, let's try to understand what is happening. Think of a time when a project has failed but you were not as angry with yourself as you are now. Why was that experience different? How much of your anger is about the failure of the project, and how much of your anger is about your reaction to Sandra's performance? " When coaches and clients explore disappointment in personal and emotional terms, they learn about the sources of resilience. These are neither pep talks full of aphorisms about when the going gets tough, the tough get going, nor sympathy sessions in which anger, hurt, and disappointment are greeted with an uncritical ear. Resilience requires action, not pity.

Resonance-Coaching with Emotional Intelligence (1 f we

could summarize three decades of research on emotional intelligence into a single sentence, it would be the following: emotions are contagious. Goleman, Boyatzis, and McKee (2002) and, more recently, Boyatzis and McKee (2005) have brilliantly synthesized work from neuroscience, management, education, psychology, and physics demonstrating that the properties of attraction and repulsion are remarkably consistent throughout the phYSical universe and human societies. Renewal Coaching conversations are models of resonance, with the coach consistently noticing the emotional reactions of the client. Equally important, renewal coaches are mindful of their emotions and make deliberate choices about their temperament. They are not victims of their emotions, and their words and actions are not dictated by what Goleman calls the reptilian brain.

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Certainly renewal coaches are as subject to anger, joy, rage, and love as anyone else, but in their coaching relationships, they maintain a deliberate degree of equanimity in the face of provocation. While there are many people who have deeply held beliefs about their right to be "real" in the expression of their emotions, renewal coaches challenge the presumption that the only criterion for emotional expression is the personal satisfaction of the individual. In fact, negative emotional expressions have impacts far beyond the individual, radiating outward and indiscriminately affecting innocent bystanders. Just as we recoil from those who kick their pets and yell at their children because they had a bad day at the office, effective coaches challenge the unbridled expression of emotions by clients. Accordingly, coaches are neither buddies nor primal scream therapists. Personal renewal is inseparable from a consideration of the world outside the individual, and therefore renewal coaches have an obligation not only to the client but also to the world around the client. It takes a courageous coach to engage in challenging comments such as these: • ''I've heard what you said about your encounter with Sarah yesterday. Now I'd like you to describe the identical situation, but please tell the story from Sarah's point of view. What would she say not only about what happened but about your motivations, your emotions, and your intentions?" • "When you left the meeting earlier today, you were clearly dissatisfied with the performance of your colleagues. You've told me what you said and how you felt about this meeting. Let's imagine two extreme reactions by your colleagues. One extreme would be that they get it: they completely resonate with your emotions and agree with your point of view. 'You know; they

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would say after deep reflection, 'you were absolutely right to be critical of our performance and to leave the meeting abruptly. As a matter of fact, we have been slackers for a long time, and we have been deliberately underperforming. We think up new ways to irritate you almost every day, and we have particular fun when your life is miserable: Now envision the other end of that continuum. What would your colleagues say as a result of your meeting today if in fact they were diligent, hard-working people who care deeply about you and the performance of your team?" • "You've mentioned a few times your brief exchange of greetings with the toll booth operator on the way to work. You even made a point of going through the same lane just to hear the same friendly voice on the way to work. It sounds as if this simple greeting from the toll booth operator makes you feel better than many of the greetings you receive from your colleagues. Can you think of people who go out of their way to receive a greeting from you? What are you doing that attracts or repels people?" The sad truth is that many people would rather wait in line on the turnpike to receive a greeting from a toll booth operator than they would pass by the office of a boss or colleague. As leaders ascend the hierarchy, the impact of their emotional fallout increases. At the same time, their personal recognition of the impact of their emotions decreases. This phenomenon, the entitlement of indifference, is the opposite of resonance. Renewal coaches challenge the presumption that effectiveness and efficiency are sufficient for leadership. Without resonance, even the most senior leaders with vast numbers of people reporting to them will find that they are isolated, alienating, and impotent.

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Relationship-Nurturing the Personal Elements of Coaching

P

erhaps you have heard someone say, "It's nothing personaI:' The phrase may have many different contexts and meaning, but one thing is certain: it was definitely personal. Relationships are at the heart of our lives, and no matter how hard we try to separate our professional and personal lives, the effectiveness of our work with other people depends on the quality of our relationships. Although the primacy of relationships may seem obvious, we are amazed at the frequency with which the importance of relationships is ignored in organizations. The "answer" provided in too many consulting engagements is reorganization, restructuring, reengineering, or retraining, even when the challenge was not a matter of organizational structure or professional knowledge but of interpersonal relationships. To put it bluntly, relationships that were toxic before a new strategic plan, wrenching reorganization, or off-site team-building activities are still toxic. The participants simply have more ulcers and mosquito bites after these unhelpful and expensive initiatives. Renewal Coaching is incomplete without a focus on relationships, as the following examples show.

Relationships that were toxic before a new strategic plan, wrenching reorganization, or off-site team-building activities are still toxic.

• "You've said that your senior leadership team can't get along. In fact, you said that some of them openly dislike one another and regularly undermine their colleagues. They appear to agree and support one another in public meetings, and then engage in

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organizational guerrilla warfare the moment the meetings are concluded. What do you know for sure about why these relationships are so destructive? What were the relationships like before you joined the team? What role do you play in encouraging, discouraging, and tolerating these toxic behaviors?" • ''I've noticed you have mentioned that your friendship with Fred has endured for years, even though you both have changed jobs twice since you first met. You've helped one another work out thorny problems and offered candid advice that neither of you received from your immediate colleagues. Why do you think this relationship has continued even though you no longer have any official organizational affiliation? How would things be better if you had one or two more Freds in your life?" • «You've had an intense competition with Yolanda, with both of you seeking the same funding and attention for your ideas. Sometimes that competition has helped both of you be more creative and productive, but recently you seem to suggest that the competition has become more personal than professional. You've said that Yolanda stole credit for your ideas and that she put you down in a public meeting, and I think it's fair to say that you've had a few laughs at Yolanda's expense. So let's talk about how to get this relationship back on a more productive track. What would you both lose if you asked Yolanda to collaborate with you on your next project? What would you both gain? What would your organization lose and gain if you substituted collaboration for competition? If you no longer competed with Yolanda, who would be your new competitive target?" Clients and their organizations are understandably focused on performance. Perhaps they believe that a focus on relationships seems

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too far removed from daily reality, too qualitative, and insufficiently subject to measurable progress. Coaches who limit their attention to client efficiency can easily fall into the same trap, ignoring the fundamental truth that relationships will support or undermine performance. Individual and organizational renewal depends not only on individual performance but on a complex network of relationships. Renewal coaches understand that one of their most important tasks is helping clients maintain the primacy of relationships.

Renewal-Creating Energy, Meaning, and Freedom to Sustain the Journey (1 Ii , hile Renewal Coaching requires an investment of energy by

- JI V

the coach and client, an essential characteristic of renewal is that it is generative-a source rather than a consumer of energy. In the physical universe, energy does not exist by itself, but is the result of transformation-the product of mass and speed (remember Einstein's famous equation: E = Me 2 ). Renewal is similarly the result of the transformation of adversity into opportunity. Without mass and its resistance to change, there is no energy. Without adversity, change, and new meaning, there is no renewal. Sustaining the journey of renewal is fueled not by improvements in efficiency but by the energy of meaning and hope. When coaching conversations lead to renewal, clients may say: • "It's strange. I'm spending fewer hours at the office than last year, and my focus has expanded far beyond my own performance objectives and task lists. Logically, I should have accomplished less. But my relationships at work and at home have never been better. I've suffered my share of disappointments, but our team has far exceeded my goals,

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and they seem to be getting along better. They aren't going to double-date any time soon, but I've noticed little things-small acts of kindness and consideration that have nothing to do with work goals, but everything to do with respect and compassion. Perhaps it's no accident that I've tried to do the same, giving my parking place to a colleague, taking an interest in the illnesses and successes of their family members, and for once thinking of them more as human beings than employees. Even when we were on deadline for critical projects, we kept our commitments to volunteer at a neighborhood school and raise money for Safe House, an organization that directly affects some family members of our team. Rather than dragging into work every morning, I'm actually looking forward to it, and I think many of my team members are as well:' • "It used to be that every change around here was greeted with fear and loathing. Change is still challenging, but we're actually enthusiastic about it. That's not because it's easy, but because we started considering the impact of our changes on others. For example, team members regularly compare the cost of our occasional inconvenience to the gains of people in other departments. Even when we don't get credit for it, we know that we have an impact, and our new friendships throughout the organization help sustain us. In fact, genuine appreciation from a colleague means more than the "employee of the month" plaque any day. We're not here just for the paycheck and award; we're here to make a difference. That's the energy that will keep us going whether times are good or times are tough:' • "We were so close. Wive had three years of great results, and there is no doubt that the changes we made, though difficult and challenging, made a difference for us and for the people we serve. But it didn't last. Despite the evidence of success,

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we learned that we couldn't sustain it without emotional commitment. We lost that when it was clear that the only consideration by our leadership team was their own comfort level. I still can't believe it, but they were willing to give up on a successful program rather than endure complaints from people who didn't like it. The impact has been devastating. We not only failed those to whom we had offered help, but it will be a long time before my team will become enthusiastic about a new idea. Worse yet, every other team in the organization that was watching us got the very clear message that risk taking, success, and moral imperatives don't mean very much when the leadership ideal is popularity and personal convenience:' You and your organization are at the crossroads. Will you choose the path of renewal? Along the road you will encounter adversity, disappointment, and loss. You will confront failure and unhappiness. You will face your own role and responsibilities for the performance and prevailing emotions within your organization. Renewal coaching does not avoid these challenges; it confronts them. Whether you are a coach, a client, or an organizational leader who stands at the crossroads between renewal and despair, the choices you make will influence your performance, your relationships, and your future in ways that you can scarcely imagine. How to make renewal happen is the subject of the remainder of this book.

Your Personal Journey Toward Renewal Coaching f7/lthough the Renewal Coaching framework has a clear destination in mind and the sequence of each part of the framework was purposefully designed, we are mindful of the individual needs

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of every coach and client. Therefore, we offer three alternatives for the reader to consider when applying the framework. First, you may proceed through each element for the framework, from Recognition to Renewal, in sequence. For each part of the framework, you will take a personalized assessment using either the space provided in the book or our online versions available at www.ChangeLeaders.com. Each assessment has two parts, including a quantitative response section and an open-end response section. These are not "tests" in any traditional sense of the word and a "high score" is not necessarilya good thing. The open-ended questions are designed to elicit reflection and introspection. Because the path toward renewal is a journey, sometimes a long and complex one, it would not be unusual for you to take some of the assessments more than once. Notice how your responses change over time as your experience grows and as you consider new points of view. The second alternative is targeted at specific needs for insight and growth. Some readers, particularly those who have already engaged in extensive assessment, introspection, and coaching, may already have a clear idea of where they wish to start. In the case of an organizationalleader who must face the complexities of new relationships at work, you may prefer to start with Chapter Eight, "Relationship." For someone who has just experienced important personal or professionalloss, then you may wish to start with Chapter Six, "Resilience." Although the other parts of the framework remain significant, it is important that you gain momentum and seek the feedback and support that will have the greatest level of meaning for you right now. The third alternative, directed toward the professional coach or the person building a coaching practice, is to proceed along two parallel tracks, considering the "business of coaching," addressed in Part Three, right away. As with many entrepreneurs, you will find yourself attempting to change the wheels on the race car while driving

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it-that is, building your coaching practice while you are learning more about both the business and professional elements of coaching. Clearly, you cannot begin to practice Renewal Coaching without a much deeper understanding of the concepts, cases, and materials involved. However, you may need to settle some basic organizational issues in your emerging coaching practice, and the practical advice of Part Three will help you do that. Then you can return to the detailed assessments in the earlier chapters in the book. One final note for professional coaches: This book is designed to be interactive on multiple levels. We have created the assessments in an online version so that you can have immediate and easy-toread printouts of your results. We also provide bulletin board and Wiki environments at www.RenewalCoaching.com so that you can share your insights and ask questions of the Renewal Coaching community. Third, we provide ongoing individual support to members of the Renewal Coaching Network, a vibrant global community of professional coaches who wish to take their professional practice to a higher level of meaning and service.

PART TWO

The Renewal Coaching Framework AN OVERVIEW

RECOGNITION

REALITY

RECIPROCITY

RESILIENCE

RESONANCE

RELATIONSHIP

RENEWAL

3

Recognition FINDING PATTERNS OF TOXICITY AND RENEWAL

P

atterns are replicated throughout the world in a manner that mathematicians and organizational theorists describe as fractals. Wheatley (1999) notes, "Fractals describe any object or form created from repeating patterns evidence at many levels of scale" (p. 123). The value of fractals in considering individual and personal performance is the nature of scale. What may seem insignificant at a small scale can have exceptionally important implications at a large scale. Even a simple beginning design-the building blocks of a single fractal-can yield enormous complexity. Consider, as Wheatley suggests, the patterns in nature: "clouds, rivers, mountains, many plants, trivial villages, our brains, lungs and circulatory systems. All of these (and millions more) are fractal, replicating a dominant pattern at several smaller levels of scale" (p. 124). The apparently simple, even insignificant, shape that is the beginning of the trace of water vapor can become the enormously complex phenomenon we call a cloud. Conversely, the billowy white shape we watch on a lazy summer day is composed of billions of components. Thus, fractals help us see the complexity in things that are simple and help us

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understand that even apparently simple beginnings yield enormous complexity when brought to scale. Consider the difference between a fractal at a small scale, such as a simple triangle, and the same pattern when taken to a larger scale, as you might see in a geodesic dome. Although the dome designed by R. Buckminster Fuller appears to be a sphere filled with triangular faces, the curvature of the surface adds significant complexity to the pattern, and the shape of the dome is strikingly beautiful, particularly when compared to the prosaic triangle familiar to even the youngest student. The second bears so little resemblance to the first that it is difficult to recognize that the more complex figure is simply the repetition at larger scale of the first, yielding variations that could scarcely have been imagined when considering the simpler figure. The relevance of this transformation from the simple to the complex as revealed in the gulf between what we intend with our actions, attitudes, and beliefs at the scale of the individual and team and the consequences when we apply the same behaviors throughout the organization is the focus of this chapter. Our simple act, request, or statement can become a thing of beauty or a gross distortion of our original intent as it undergoes the transformations of repetition and variation. The implications of fractals in human behavior and organizational performance are profound. Leaders frequently assume that their success is the result of their previous patterns of behavior (Hesselbein & Goldsmith, 2006), disregarding that a more nuanced analysis might reveal some constructive and some destructive behaviors. On the way up the ladder, some of those behaviors-competitiveness and sharp analytical thinking, for example-served the leader well. At the pinnacle of leadership, however, these same traits, which once pointed to success, can be the source of organizational chaos. The boss likes analysis? No problem; make way for the thousand-page strategic

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plan that will paralyze the organization. The boss likes sharp analytical thinking? I'll impress her by cutting my colleagues to ribbons in the next executive team meeting. Thus, a couple of behaviors that were tolerable on a small scale from a rising executive become the formula for organizational toxicity when they are replicated by wellintentioned people throughout the organization. The authors of the cumbersome strategic plans and the poisoned analyses do not intend to bring the organization to a standstill or infuse the organizational DNA with poisonous contention. They're just replicating what they thought brought the leader success and are trying to use the energy, time, and resources at their disposal to seek success. By ignoring the lessons of fractals, they made the basic mistake of thinking that small-scale success yields large-scale success when, in fact, some of the circumstances surrounding small-scale success will lead to large-scale chaos and destruction. The good news is that the converse is also true: by creating relatively small changes in patterns, the large-scale replication of those patterns offers the opportunity for exceptional degrees ofleverage throughout an organization. Just as a simple design can become a masterpiece of beauty and complexity, so also a simple, focused, and well-executed change in patterns can yield significant and long-term improvements in organizational health

Recognizing Patterns in People and Organizations {7\ Tow

we consider the next levels of self-awareness, including those places where you will find your personal strengths and organizational leverage for renewal. We noted at the start of this chapter that patterns of behavior are replicated throughout organizations, and even small changes in behavior can disrupt what appears

1V

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inevitable. Emotions are entangled with all of these behavioral patterns. Along with our thoughts, they put behaviors into motion. Renewal coaches pay careful attention to their clients' emotions for two reasons: (1) to identify patterns that are either destructive or constructive and help clients mitigate the first with reason and leverage the second with mindfulness and (2) to help clients identify patterns of happiness that will always point to their personal source of renewal.

EMOTIONAL PATTERNS

Emotions are instigators of action. Many of the actions people take when gripped by emotions are actually reactions rather than responses. Reactions are deeply engrained habitual responses to strong feelings that arise in response to data-the stuff that happens to and around a person. Depending on what triggers an individual, emotions can cause quick reactions. These reactions are unmitigated by reasoning because the thalamus, a structure in the brain that is sometimes analogized with a traffic controller, will route this information directly to the amygdala, altogether bypassing the neocortex, where thinking occurs (Goleman & Gurin, 1993). The problem with this short-cut from thalamus to amygdala is that a potent brew of hormones and peptides in the amygdala colors the information with emotions, minus the thinking and reasoning that the neocortex would have provided. In dangerous situations, this can save lives. In the workplace, where the emotions of sometimes hundreds or thousands of employees churn minute to minute over everything from the mundane to the important, emotional toxicity can take a toll on individuals and organizations (Frost, 2002). Ever curious about the patterns that drive their clients, renewal coaches ask clients to tune in to the emotions behind them. Emotions

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permeate the lives of individuals and organizations, and for good or ill, they create patterns of thought and behavior that are the essence of the organizational culture. When renewal coaches help clients identify patterns of destructive emotions-and the fractals they createand encourage them to disrupt the patterns through even small changes, they create a powerful antidote to existing emotional toxicity in the organizations. In doing so, they make room for continuous cycles of renewal and direct a relentless focus on the greater good. The term destructive emotions comes out of a series of scientific dialogues known as the Mind and Life Conferences between the Dalai Lama and other Buddhist scholars as well as Western psychologists, neuroscientists, and philosophers from all over the world. "Destructive emotions" refers to any emotion that leads people to do something that harms themselves or someone else (Goleman, 2003). Although no single list of destructive emotions exists and there are differences between Eastern and Western paradigms, most agree that fear, anger, jealousy, rage, and hatred can lead to actions that inflict harm. Emotions tend to grip people, seemingly from out of the blue. People with strong self-awareness struggle against destructive emotions when they feel them, resisting the urge to blurt out something hurtful or begin an action without thinking (Ekman, 2003). By asking meditative questions such as, "What makes your colleague's decision a good one or, conversely, a poor one?" during each coaching conversation, renewal coaches can support clients in becoming more emotionally self-aware. These questions cause the client to process the emotional stimuli by sending them back to the neocortex for a dose of reason. This is the grown-up version of remembering to "put on your thinking cap"-a deliberate decision to engage in processing and reflection rather than instinctive responses to the data around us.

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HEALING EMOTIONS AS PORTALS TO RENEWAL

Patterns of emotions are indicators of what depletes and renews a person. Destructive emotions such as fear, anger, and jealousy bind people in patterns of stagnation and do not lead to renewal. Healing emotions such as happiness and optimism point to what is energizing and compelling for an individual and do lead to renewal. For this reason, coaches who embrace the methodology explained in this book help clients look at their emotional patterns early in the coaching engagement, in order to determine what renews them, and then frequently during the development process, to sustain the journey to renewal. Renewal and healing emotions enjoy a symbiotic relationship; both are obligated to the other and in fact sustain the other. But positive emotions naturally come and go with the vicissitudes of life, and renewal is a process, not a place you finally arrive at and then stay, never to be renewed again. In fact, renewal itself is a means to an end and not the end itself-that end being creation of a greater good, which itself is also a source of renewal. How, then, does a coach help clients discover what makes them happy and sustains them?

Renewal is a process, not a place you finally arrive at and then stay, never to be renewed again.

As with destructive emotions, experts do not completely agree about which specific emotions are "healing emotions." Nevertheless, there is some agreement that the positive or healing emotions include equanimity (balance and calmness), optimism, confidence, friendliness (connection to others), and happiness (Goleman, 1997, 2003). The questions a coach must ask a client in order to

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help them locate what renews them include, "What makes you feel calm? Optimistic? Confident? Friendly? Happy?" But these questions unpeel the happiness onion just to the first layer. The next level of questions goes a step further: "What will that lead to for you? For others?" These secondary questions draw the client even closer to discovering his or her personal path to renewal.

WHERE DOES A PERSON FIND HAPPINESS?

Kouzes and Posner (2003) write about Don Bennett, the first amputee to climb Mt. Rainier. When they asked Don why he wanted to be the first amputee to summit Mt. Rainier, he told them he wanted to show other people who are disabled that they could do more than they ever dreamed they could. Kouzes and Posner say, "He was the one doing the climbing, but he was not climbing just for himself. He was climbing for an entire community. He had a vision of others doing great things" (p. 2). What makes a person happy-for Bennett, climbing a mountain, putting one foot in front of the other-is still a means to an end: to inspire action in others who never dared dream of all they could accomplish. What sustained Don every step of the way was not only the joy of taking each step but of paving the way for others to do the same and what they would do with that power and efficacy once they understood it belonged to them. This is an example of the greater good, the ultimate goal of Renewal Coaching. Carrie is the curator of a private museum in Philadelphia. Before she held this position, we worked with her to help her identify her source of renewal that would serve as a lighthouse she could keep within her sight and provide her with energy to move forward when her purpose moved out of focus or she needed encouragement. Carrie told us she wanted to curate in a museum so that she could

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contribute to her field just as her mentor did. She wanted to share with others how to curate in a way that masterfully touches people from all walks of life. Her personal vision of herself in this role included writing, speaking, and teaching others. When we asked her what her vision for herself could lead to, she said it would bring people in the field together to focus on creating museums that help people see themselves and others as connected to each other. This professional dialogue would also force her to reflect on her work and make her a better museum curator. We asked her again what that could lead to. Carrie thought for just a moment and then said it could ultimately lead to more museums all over the world that help people understand each other through their exhibits, and once that happens, they could help to create peace in the world. The relationship between the orientation of the assessmentfrom self to others-and the time horizon of the assessment-from formative to future-is illustrated in the happiness and renewal matrix in Figure 3.1. When we apply this matrix to Carrie's progression, we can visualize the progression through each part of it: Levell: Self/Formative: Visit other museums, travel, attend events

in the neighborhood where my museum is located, play on a softball team in the city. Level 2: Others/Formative: Create exhibits that emphasize people

from different cultures and generations, and bring in contemporary artists who bridge the past with the future. Level 3: Self/Future Impact: I want to be like my mentor: speak,

write articles, design great exhibits, and share my methods and perspective with others in the field. Level 4: Others/Future Impact: So that people will understand oth-

ers from different cultures and generations, which would help to build peace in the world.

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Figure 3.1 Happiness and Renewal Matrix Level 2: Day-to-day happiness patterns that serve others: creates renewal in the organization day-to-day.

Level 4: The greater good: this is the reason for renewal at the other three levels. It is the outcome that sustains individuals and organizations over the long haul.

For Carrie: Create exhibit that emphasize people from different cultures and generations, and bring in contemporary artists who bridge the past with the future.

For Carrie: So that people will understand others from different cultures and generations, which would help create peace in the world.

Levell: Day-to-day personal happiness patterns: creates personal renewal now.

Level 3: Personal empowering happiness patterns: creates personal renewal over the long term.

For Carrie: Visit other musuems, travel, attend events in the neighborhood where my museum is located, play on a softball team in the city.

For Carrie: I want to be like my mentor: speak, write articles, design great exhibits, and share my methods and perspectives with others in the field.

Present .....f---------~. Future

Renewal coaches encourage clients to take specific actions at each level of the progression to the greater good. The actions Carrie commits to will become the focus of various coaching conversations. For example, during one coaching session, Carrie may focus on actions she can take at Level 1. Actions at this level are personally renewing to her and provide her with energy, excitement, and inspiration to take action at the higher levels. These are activities that make Carrie happy: some are directly related to what she does for a living, and others, like playing softball, are for her personal happiness and wellbeing. Both aspects are important to Carrie's life and therefore to supporting her in all she hopes to contribute.

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Harvard professor and author Tal Ben-Shahar (2007) supports this idea in his book titled Happier. He writes, "Happy people live secure in the knowledge that the activities that bring them joy in the present will also lead to a fulfilling future" (p. 15). On another day, Carrie may focus her coaching session on an application process to present her expertise at a national conference of museum curators. On yet another day, Carrie's renewal coach may help her at Level 2 as she thinks through the best approach to convince her board to see the value of a particular exhibit.

How RENEWAL COACHES HELP CLIENTS THROUGH THE MATRIX

A great. place to start is with a conversation around several open-ended questions that evoke responses at different levels in the matrix-for example: • "What have you been learning, or have paid good money to learn?" • "Where have you been spending your time?" • "Whom do you admire and want to be like? What decisions have they made about their life? What are they known for, and what does that remind you of about yourselt?" • "What do you do in your free time?" • "What rituals and daily activities make you happy?" • "What do you lose yourself in? What are you doing when you lose all track of time?" • "When do you laugh and smile the most?" • "What moves your heart? When are you compelled to help others?"

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As clients answer these questions, they and their coach can place the responses in the matrix where they seem to fit best. What eventually becomes clear is not only what sustains and renews them but also the true purpose of their work. Ben-Shahar (2007) suggests keeping a daily list of what makes you happy for one week and noticing what topics are repeated. Renewal coaching clients can make this list a homework assignment early in the coaching relationship in conjunction with the questions listed above. By understanding what brings positive emotions into a person's life, renewal coaches can help clients recognize and replicate helpful patterns and eliminate destructive patterns. In this way, the matrix serves as a screening tool for deciding what matters the most in their life and work. Ultimately what matters the most can be seen as a clear path to the greater good.

Changing Patterns Before Changing People (1 A Jhen organizations seek to change, their first impulse is to

- V V change people rather than patterns. The leader will clean

house, claiming to get rid of the deadwood, ridding the organization of the people who just "don't get it." But in our work with thousands of organizations, we have seen a disturbingly familiar scenario when, a year or two later, the new people in the same organization are confronting the same dysfunctional patterns that were part of the organization before they arrived. If, for example, the organizational culture tolerates and even encourages bullies and uncivil behavior, then firing a bully or two doesn't change the culture; it just replaces one set of bullies with another. If the organization punishes the bearers of bad news, then promoting a whistle-blower may seem like a good idea, but it is doomed to failure if the patterns of punishing truthtellers remain deeply embedded in the fabric of the organization.

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When organizations seek to change, their first impulse is to change people rather than patterns.

How COACHES

IDENTIFY PATTERNS

In order to help improve the performance of an individual and organization, effective coaches first identify important patterns, document the facts behind the patterns, and verify with the client the accuracy of those observations. For example, before encouraging a client to embark on a change initiative within the organization to improve communication and interpersonal relationships, the coach might notice relevant patterns in the interactions between the client and coach. Consider this interaction between a leadership coach and a client named Steve, a senior leader responsible for more than two thousand employees and more than a quarter of the operating budget of the organization: Coach: I understand that you would like to help your organization improve communication and interpersonal relationships. Is that ... Steve (somewhat exasperated, interrupting): Look. I've already told you that is why we've asked you to help us. As you can see, I'm really busy, and we need to start making faster progress if this is going to do me any good. Coach: I understand. I've noticed that for each of our past three coaching conversations, you have been pretty frustrated. In fact, I've noticed that in every meeting with me and with your colleagues, when you sense that someone else doesn't catch on quickly enough to your intention, you interrupt them. Do you think ... ?

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Steve (very impatient now): No kidding! Do you really think we need a consultant to get to some of these blinding flashes of the obvious? Coach: I don't know-but could we agree that your interrupting others and being impatient with them is a pattern-a quite consistent pattern in your communication methods?" Steve: Great, Sherlock. Coach: I'm curious: Are there other people on the leadership team who seem to interrupt you and express impatience with others -perhaps even with you? Steve: Joan, our lead data analyst is incredibly smart, but she expects the rest of us to keep up with her, even when she lives with the numbers all day long and we've just seen them for the first time. Coach: Please tell me more about what Joan does.

Steve: Well, I used to try to ask questions, but before I could even complete the question, she'd fire back an answer, sometimes with a look that made it clear that it was the dumbest question she had ever heard. It didn't take long before most of us just stopped asking questions. Coach: What has that pattern meant for communication and relationships? Steve: I guess we no longer have negative communication with Joan because, well, we just don't have any communication. She puts out the information, no one challenges it, and as soon as we're back in our offices, we start to try to figure it out. But trust me, nobody goes to Joan to ask for clarification. It's like the old joke: I'd rather stay silent and have people think that I'm a fool than open my mouth and remove all doubt.

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Coach: Okay. So it sounds as if Joan's patterns aren't helping improve relationships and communication. And it also seems that

at least at times, your own patterns are similar to Joan's. Do you notice other people who have similar patterns? As this conversation continues, Steve begins to understand that the problem is neither Joan nor himself as individuals; rather the problem is the pattern of behavior that started with one influential person and now threatens to undermine communication throughout the organizations. The know-it-all pattern, associated with imperious and demanding attitudes and rude interruptions, works well only in two circumstances. The first is when the know-it-all has all the answers all the time, everyone else in the organizations agrees to that premise, and the know-it-all has an unlimited supply of time and energy to produce all the answers and then will anticipate every single question, because few, if any, colleagues will ask questions. The second circumstance, perhaps just a bit more likely, is when the know-it-all is the last living person on the planet. In Steve's case, he had better be willing to consider some alternatives.

THE RECOGNITION DIALOGUE

Consider your own emotional reaction to the dialogue with Steve. At first, it may have been tempting to label Steve as just one more narcissistic jerk promoted to his level of incompetence, yet another validation of Parkinson's Law (Parkinson, 1957). Even the introduction of Joan, a member of the same society of professional jerks, may help explain, but not excuse, Steve's behavior. Before you consign Steve to the scrap pile of management malfeasance, however, take the Recognition Assessment at the end of the chapter.

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REFLECTIONS OF THE RECOGNITION ASSESSMENT

Let's return to our dialogue with our friend Steve, who scored in the 7l-100 point range on the recognition assessment. "Hey, at least people are clear about where I stand on the issues:' he said. One reason why Steve is so jaunty about his position is that his boss, Joan, holds a similar view, at least in public. But behavior and experience can vary widely from the affirmations of the meeting room. Looking at the value of honesty, consider the view of one of Joan's team members, her boss, a key customer, a financial analyst who follows Joan's company and regularly gets information from her, and a member of Joan's immediate family. At the beginning of this chapter, we introduced the notion of fractals, a phenomenon in which there are repeating patterns that, when taken to a larger scale, can be remarkably different than when they were examined individually or at small scale: • Team member: "My boss's motto? 'Let no good deed go unpunished: Joan thinks she's my high school English teacher, and if I sent her a million-dollar idea, she'd find the misplaced comma before she acknowledged that I had something important to contribute to the organization. She does the same thing with everything from the color of my ties to the movies I took my kids to last night. She thinks she's just being honest, but to tell you the real truth, her relentless 'honesty' just alienates me and everybody around her."

• Boss: "I've got a team leader who thinks she's being honest every time she unloads the problems of the world on me. While Joan is doing this, she never picks up on how inappropriate and irrelevant this is. It's just TMI-too much information. As a future senior leader in this organization, I need her to be focused and nuanced in her

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approach to information and let me know what I need to know. If a report is late, tell me it's late and when I can count on it, and spare me the details about lost sleep due to hot flashes-I just don't want that intimate a relationship with my direct reports. And I don't need to know about the broken copy machines, the personal problems of her colleagues and friends, or her arguments with the people in the travel office. She always starts these conversations by saying, "I've got something I need to share with you," and then launches into more honesty than I need to hear in the rest of our working relationship. If Joan wants to improve her performance, I need a little less sharing and a little more productive communication."

• Customer: "I called this company this morning and asked a simple question: Could they provide a consultant on a specific date with a specific area of expertise? Two days and four phone calls later, I received a thirty-page proposal from Joan's office. She was, incredibly, very proud of her team, bragging about how she had four people giving up their evenings and working two straight days to meet my needs-except Joan never seemed to understand that my real need was not a thirty-page report two days later. My only need was a simple answer to whether they could provide a person with specific skills on a specific date. While Joan and her team were trying too hard to give me all the information they thought I might need, even though I didn't ask for it, I found another company that could respond in a single phone call and got the job done. • Financial analyst or journalist: I follow about forty companies in this industry, and I need to develop good relationships with executives so that I can provide reports to investors that are fair and accurate. Normally my requests are pretty mundane: things about orders for products, changes in forecasts, and explanations of their public filings. I never ask for insider secrets-just information that

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frankly they probably should have already made public anyway. But with this company, I never get a straight answer, especially from Joan's office. Apparently she was burned a few years ago for failure to make sufficiently detailed disclosures, so now in the name of being open and honest, they bury every analyst request I make under an avalanche of paper. It's just too much, and after a while, I just stop asking and stop reading. What Joan and her crew don't seem to understand is that they would have a better relationship with the financial community if they would just try to give direct answers rather than engaging in all this moralistic self-congratulation about how complete their disclosures are. • FamiLy group member: "My wife's a senior executive, and I'm very proud of her. But Joan can't seem to turn the executive switch off at night, and within minutes of walking in the door, she's giving orders, rendering judgments, and providing a relentless stream of criticism that she seems to think is her job. The kids dread showing her their homework and never volunteer the extra stuff, like an art project, because of the inevitable comment, "Now that wasn't really your best work, was it?" It's the same for me, and it never stops, not even after the lights go out. At a party last weekend, I heard her complain to a friend that I never have conversations with her anymore. I wonder if she's ever considered that the reason I stopped having those conversations was that I had grown weary of her gratuitous withering attacks. Maybe Joan's style is effective at the office, but it's sure not working at home."

Let's consider these comments about Joan. How did a simple statement in favor of honesty become transmuted into deep resentments that range from the boardroom to the bedroom? That is only the first five iterations of this particular fractal, and there are many yet to go.

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Try the exercise yourself. Consider this seemingly obvious statement, "Loyalty should be rewarded," and see how such a simple and apparently positive statement-Who could argue with loyalty?could be interpreted differently. Then write your responses as you think a team member, a boss, a customer, a journalist, a family member' and another stakeholder would in Exhibit 3.1. Perhaps you wrote from the perspective of a boss or a team member that the person who agreed with valuing loyalty appeared to tolerate and encourage incompetence, elevating loyalty above professional ability. Customers are particularly enraged by appeals to loyalty, particularly when they perceive that the implication is that friendship and a round of golf should exempt a company from providing quality and value. Families question loyalty as well, particularly when they hear about "commitments" to work that seem ever more important than those to family and friends. Exhibit 3.1 Role Responses to the Statement, "Loyalty Should Be Rewarded" Team member:

Boss:

Customer:

Journalist:

Family member:

Other stakeholder of relationship:

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Sweating the Small Stuff {11 on't Sweat the Small Stuff (and It's All Small Stuff) (Carlson,

'.L/ 1997) became a best-selling advice book based on its clever title and appealing premise. We'll be happier, the implication goes, if we just focus on the big stuff and the small stuff will take care of itself or fade into insignificance. As seductive as such a notion is, an understanding of fractals in organizations shows just how wrong-headed such claims are. Consider the impact of an individual distortion even in a positive statement: honesty, loyalty, shared decision making, and so on. And consider the impact on our work lives and personal lives when we regard just a single relationship with a team member, boss, customer, or family member as "small stuff:' Fractals in mathematics and nature can be beautiful and exciting; they can also have horrific consequences. The same fractals that are part of clouds are also part of the most destructive thunderstorms, tornadoes, and hurricanes. The same fractals that form the outline of the irresistible smile and adoring eyes of the most cuddly animal can form the descriptive basis of a pernicious bacterium that could cause a pandemic. Return to the negative ways in which different stakeholders responded to positive statements about honesty and loyalty. Could just one of those statements be profoundly important to you and your organization, particularly if that statement came from your boss, your spouse, your largest customer, or your most valuable team member? If just one of those statements causes you discomfort, magnify that potential trauma manyfold, because the nature of fractals in an organization is not only that their replication is influenced by the original pattern but also by other patterns within the organization. Earlier in this chapter we introduced you to Joan, a hardworking executive whose unexamined behaviors that she aligns with the value

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of "honesty" can in fact wreak havoc in her life and relationships. Honesty is just one of many values that are of obvious merit. But as Joan's example makes clear, different perspectives can distort even the most meritorious of characteristics. Consider each of the following statements from five different perspectives: supervisor, team member, customer, skeptical journalist, and family member: 1. People must be accountable to everyone else they work with. 2. Decisions are far better when they are made by teams. 3. People should feel intrinsically motivated to do good work. 4. The company must earn loyalty.

5. People in leadership positions should be above reproach and not have any skeletons in their closets. 6. To be a good leader, you must be a "people person." 7. When people disagree, they are just pointing out a problem that others notice, but have not yet expressed. 8. Leaders who reverse decisions are gullible. 9. Professionals need to stay on top of trends in their field. 10. You should never give up on people, even if they are doing harm to others or to the organization. Though each statement seems plausible enough, the application of different perspectives yields different shades of meaning. Ten simple statements now have sixty different potential interpretations. The complexity is even greater, however, when we consider the interactions among each role and statements. Team members influence supervisors; both are influenced by family members. Journalists may influence customers, but both view statements by coworkers differently. A single variation in perspective, combined with the application of multiple perspectives at the same time, illustrate the fractal

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nature of ideas. Small changes in apparently simple concepts can have many complex and nuanced variations. The practical impact of this analysis? Sweat the small stuff, because even small changes can have an important impact on final results.

Sweat the small stuff, because even small changes can have an important impact on final results.

This can be overwhelming. After all, if everything is equally important, then we will never be able to focus our energy, time, and intellect in a productive manner. Therefore, the critical lesson is not to sweat all of the small stuff, but rather to learn how to identify the specific small elements of our performance and relationships that can have the greatest impact personally and organizationally. Truly wist' decision makers do not just do more; rather, they focus their wisdom on decisions and relationships that are the most important. Renewal Coaching may not make you wise, but this process will help you make wiser decisions by identifying the most important "small stuff" with which you must deal. Grand masters of chess have been known to contemplate up to thirty-three moves prior to making a decision about chess strategy and thereby make their next move. How much more analytical ability will you need to contemplate thousands or millions of possible moves? We have completed the first step of recognition: learning that your analytical brainpower will not alone be sufficient to overcome these challenges. Now we consider the next levels of self-awareness, including those places where you will find your personal strengths and organizational leverage. You will need all the strength you can find, because we are about to enter the next level of the framework, reality, in which we confront the change killers at work and in life.

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RECOGNITION ASSESSMENT For a computerized administration of this assessment, log on to www.ChangeLeaders .com, click on Renewal Coaching, and then select Assessment. Date: Stage of Renewal Coaching • Not started • In progress-3 months • In progress-6 months • In progress-9 months • In progress-12 or more months

Instructions: Respond to each of the following statements quickly, providing your first impulse as the answer. A response of lOis the strongest possible agreement, and 1 is the strongest possible disagreement. There are no correct answers. However, the assessment will be most useful to you if you provide the most authentic response, and that is likely to be the first response that comes to mind.

Statement

1.

Once I've come to a conclusion, I tend to stick with it. In fact, most of the conclusions about people and about life that I came to in high school and college are still true today.

Strongly Disagree

->

Strongly Agree

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

2. I keep my life pretty compartmentalized. I'm one person at work, another person at home, and a different person when I'm involved in community activities.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

3. Even though the world situation has changed in the past few years, the plain fact is that global politics haven't changed much. The things I knew ten years ago are still true today.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

4. When I think about the different jobs I have had, my work habits and personal relationship patterns have changed with each job. Different communities, bosses, and organizations bring out different behaviors in me.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

RECOGNiTION

Statement

Strongly Disagree

-->

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Strongly Agree

5. When I think about customer service, it's just a universally awful experience. It doesn't make any difference if it's the airlines, restaurants, or the Girl Scout cookie saleyou just can't get any kind of customer service anymore.

1 2 3 4 5 6 789 10

6. Although my friends make a big deal out of the differences among Apple, IBM, and other brand names, most technology is pretty much the same.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

7. Let's face it-there are dog people and there are cat people, and they are fundamentally different based on the sort of animals they prefer.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

8. Kids today are really different-disrespect, tattoos, piercings, texting-they seem as if they're from a different planet than when I was in school.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

9. I've learned that people who work hard are always more successful, and that when people are not successful, it's because they didn't work hard enough.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

10. Women and men? It's not just Mars and Venus-it's different galaxies. There are just some universal qualities that apply to women, and very different characteristics that apply to men.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Total score: _ _ __ 10-40

You are remarkably resistant to overgeneralization. That's a good thing, as you resist prejudice, bigotry, and inappropriate inferences from limited evidence. At the same time, you might be so equivocal that you resist any conclusion, even when the evidence is clear.

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Perhaps you are waiting for evidentiary perfection, a standard that courts do not apply even in the death penalty. When the stakes are lower, you might benefit from a willingness to draw inferences from reasonable evidence, but evidence that is short of perfection.

41-70

You provide a thoughtful blend of skepticism and reason. Although you are not willing to make sweeping generalizations when they are not warranted by the available evidence, you are also not afraid to express some hypotheses suggested by the available data. You are willing to be proved wrong; in fact, you probably have been proved wrong by your spouse, kids, and coworkers. You don't regard that as a mark of shame, but only the result of a healthy willingness to gather information, analyze it, and express some ideas based on it. When other evidence comes along that challenges your previous conclusions, you are willing to supplant your previous conclusions with those that are supported by evidence that is better and more recent. Sometimes you are surprised by what you've learned in the past ten years; other times you are equally surprised by how smart and insightful your grandparents were, and how little things have changed. In the end, it's evidence, not tradition, that guides your thinking.

71-100

You have a degree of certainty that is matched only by Alex Trebek and Dr. Spock. Trebek has all of the answers, thanks to the producers of Jeopardy, and Spock has no emotions to interfere with his rational abilities. You don't need to be bothered with a lot of evidence, as you are able to draw certain conclusions with only a couple of examples. This certitude serves you well in some cases-people love it when you exude confidence in public speaking and your bosses appreciate your sense of self-confidence. Your colleagues, however, are often skeptical of your claims. When they challenge you, particularly in a public meeting, you tend to become angry and flustered, particularly if they ask you for data to support your conclusions. There are times when, in the deepest and most private parts of your mind, you wonder if your certainty is justified. But these moments pass quickly, as you substitute doubt with conviction. After all, people depend on you, and they expect you to be right all of the time, and you can't let them down.

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OPEN RESPONSE ASSESSMENT Complete each of these open-ended questions, being attentive to trends and patterns that suggest reactions that are not related to a single situation but that are a reflection of your consistent personal beliefs and behaviors. 1. When you start something new, what do you tend to do first? Do you picture what it will look like when it is accomplished and describe it for others or do you immediately think about the steps it will take to execute the project?

2. Would others agree with how you responded to the second question?

3. Think of a group you belong to that is important to you such as your family, your work team, or your organization. What are you known for within this group? (Here are some examples: I get things done, I'm the devil's advocate, I bring up new ideas, I'm quiet, I disagree often).

4. When you are under stress and you have to make decisions under less than ideal situations, how do you respond? Do you become more engaged or do you withdraw? Do you feel hopeful or do you feel powerless? What do you intend to accomplish with your response?

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Think of a time when you responded to a difficult situation in a way consistent with how others see you. What was the outcome? Now think of a similar situation but where you responded differently from your usual manner. What happened?

6. Think of a time when you responded to a difficult situation in a manner consistent with the expectations of the organization. What was the outcome? If you wished you could have responded differently, would you have done so? What risks would be inherent to responding differently? What benefits could have resulted?

7. Recall an occasion when you knew your response to the emotions and behaviors of others could either improve a difficult situation or make it worse. What did you decide to do? What was the outcome?

8. Think of a day or several hours in the past week when you felt you made decisions that "worked" for the situation you found yourself in. Describe the events of that day. Focus on the following four areas: a. What was on your schedule that day that was good for you personally in the present (for exa~ple, went for a run, listened to my favorite music, met with my coach, had breakfast with my spouse and settled our weekend plans)? b. What was on your schedule that supported you in building your personal preferred future (for example, taking a class in the latest technology, attending toastmasters, writing a professional article, updating your website)?

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c. What was on your schedule that day that supported others right now (for ex-

ample, training for others so they feel competent and confident, conversations that remove barriers, events that elicit or showcase multiple perspectives and successes) ? d. What was on your schedule that day that related to support for others and the greater good (for example, recognition of indicators of success that go beyond the bottom line, decisions that clearly benefit the needs of others beyond yourself)?

9. What emotional patterns are you sick and tired of in yourself because they cause you pain and make you want to just get through your day when they become issues? For example, you know you always overreact to anything less than perfect; you know you always withdraw and avoid confrontation when people disagree with you-even on things that are important to you; you know you always try to accommodate others.

10. What emotional and behavioral patterns consistently make events turn out well for you and for others concerned (for example, admitting error, face-to-face communication, taking action, including others, assuming positive presuppositions, wanting others to succeed, recognizing others, considering the merits in other's perspectives).

RECOGNITION

REALITY

RECIPROCITY

RESILIENCE

RESONANCE

RELATIONSHIP

RENEWAL

4

Reality CONFRONTING CHANGE KILLERS IN WORK AND LIFE

m e central question of this chapter is: How does the Renewal ~oaching process help clients develop an effective reality orientation? By focusing on reality, we pursue neither cynicism nor contempt for great dreams, but a healthy balance. Clients seeking a reality orientation ask challenging questions while nevertheless encouraging idealism, hope, and optimism. Coaches nurturing reality offer a consistent comparison between the world as the client sees it and the world as the evidence suggests it is. Closing this gap without adopting the persona of a prosecuting attorney or New York Times book critic is the task of the renewal coach. Thus, we must challenge complacency and acceptance of prevailing norms. We will challenge readers to identify the snakes, wasps, and mosquitoes in their lives and organizations. Snakes occupy much of the change literature. These are the cobras dancing about and calling attention to themselves or the rattlers making a great deal of noise before they strike. Snakes can be lethal, at least to one person. But for the most part, snakes occupy a disproportionate amount of our nightmares and fears. Wasps are similarly scary, buzzing about and carrying a painful sting. Mosquitoes, by contrast, seem benign. Ask

1.

79

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most people if they would prefer to be around wasps or mosquitoes, and they invariably choose the latter. Yet on a global scale, mosquitoes are far more deadly than wasps or snakes. Tiny and silent, these insects are the leading transmitters of some of the world's deadliest diseases, including malaria. The analogies for Renewal Coaching are of critical importance, as most coaching focuses on eradicating snakes and wasps. Renewal Coaching not only addresses these obvious menaces but also confronts the far more destructive mosquitoes: those organizational forces, patterns, and habits that have the most destructive potential.

Reality and Illusion: A False Dichotomy

(J)

eality in the context of Renewal Coaching is not an appeal for

.1 \5old rationality at every level. The expression "get real" is often used to encourage people to exercise critical thinking and encourage them to confront dubious claims. Our colleagues despair that we are impractical when we express hope for the unattainable. When people claim to "face reality:' it is often with the hope that they have at least dispensed with all illusion and are looking coldly at the facts. The stereotype for reality is Sergeant Friday, who began each interview with a request for "just the facts, ma'am." His mythological predecessor, Diogenes, searched the earth in pursuit of an honest person. In a technologically sophisticated era, reality would seem, at its essence, the dogged pursuit of truth. There is just one problem: Diogenes, whose status hangs ominously over Mudd Hall at the University of Southern California, is still looking. When we make reality an extreme, we deny wonder, surprise, faith, and any aspiration for things unseen. Just as reality is an unhelpful extreme, the opposite end of the continuum, illusion, is an equally unhelpful state of mind. When we

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fail to connect to facts, however, we deprive ourselves and others of essential information. The time and energy we devote to hope and encouragement can lead to futility and frustration. Therefore, rather than seeing reality and illusions as opposite ends of a continuum, the Renewal Coaching process suggests a nuanced approach that encourages critical thinking without cynicism and validates aspiration for the future without ill-considered fantasies supported more by delusion than facts. Before proceeding in this chapter, take time for a reality assessment. The open-ended instruments, which you will find at the end of the chapter, are not designed to diagnose or label anyone; they serve as guides to stimulate your own thinking about the subtleties of reality. The goal is for clients and coaches to pursue a reality orientation, a balance in which both seek the ideal while firmly grounded in the real. Then we will apply these ideas to both individual and organizational development. In order to help clients become more successful, coaches must help them develop a reality orientation. The Reality Assessment for Clients at the end of the chapter is a good start to this process, but it is by nature abstract and not necessarily related to the daily reality of the client. A much more serious assessment of reality should take place in every coaching conversation as the coach and client consider extended responses to the questions in the Reality Assessment for Coaches, which follows the client assessment. After you have finished the assessments, return here to continue reading.

Developing a Reality Orientation ( l A }hen a novelist chooses the omniscient point of view, we

- VV accept it as a literary choice. Equipped with universal hind-

sight, foresight, and insight, the omniscient narrator knows not only

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the details of the family history of all characters but also their innermost thoughts. With the chutzpah we routinely grant to the weavers of tales, the novelist confidently predicts the future because, after all, she created it. J. K. Rowling knew of Harry Potter's ultimate fate before the first of her seven volumes in the series was published. These powers are enchanting in the hands of Melville or Morrison, Clemens or Homer. But the enchantment wears thin when people adopt the omniscient point of view in everyday life, and their presumption of the ability to know past, present, and future extends to the thoughts and activities of their colleagues and friends. Real wisdom requires a denial of the omniscient point of view and instead a careful balance between the acknowledgment of what we know, what we do not know, and what we cannot know.

CHALLENGING THE PSYCHICS

In order to develop a reality orientation, clients and coaches must be vigilant in noticing conversational cues that suggest omniscience and its cousins, omnipresence and indestructibility. In addition to the client and coach assessments at the end of the chapters, coaches must provide steady feedback when they hear suggestions of mystical powers from clients who are, after all, usually completely rational people. Clients of course know that they are not psychic, yet they may say, "I know she's going to go ballistic when she hears about this" or "I know that idea would never work." Clients know that they are not capable of mind reading, yet may say, "When Mehmet spoke up in the meeting, his only purpose was to undermine me" or "When Donna failed to do her homework, she's rebelling against me." Both of these insights may be possible, but it's also possible that Mehmet is a jerk and Donna is disorganized.

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These common conversational practices may seem innocuous, reflecting not a genuine misunderstanding but only innocent exaggeration. That is not, however, the conclusion reached by one of the most researched and widely supported schools of psychotherapy, cognitive therapy. Founded by Aaron Beck (1976), cognitive therapy is focused on confronting errors in the thinking processes of patients. As the foregoing examples indicate, however, one need not be clinically depressed to exhibit common cognitive errors. The bad news is that the interplay of language and thought can have devastating consequences, paralyzing the depressed patient from taking action and deterring even the most emotionally healthy person from making wise decisions. As the reality assessment suggests, we can make errors of omniscience when we are too critical or too accepting, as both extremes assume facts that are not yet demonstrated. The goods are that a significant body of research suggests that we can use the power of closely observed language to improve our cognitive patterns. Burns (1999a, 199b) and Sternberg (2002) have accumulated decades of research and case studies in which significant improvements in anxiety, stress, personal relationships, and occupational success are associated with improvements in thinking patterns. Just as Renewal Coaching requires not merely evidence and information feedback and practice, successful participants in cognitive therapy do not stop with recognition of the error of their thought patterns; rather, they actively work to identify and reframe those errors. Cognitive errors focus on logical processing errors. Catastrophization, for example, represents the belief that a single error or unfortunate event will have consequences far disproportionate to reality: "I was late to work today. 1 guess I'm just a hopelessly irresponsible worthless person who will never have a future:' No. You were just late to work, and it's probably a good idea to figure out a way to avoid

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that in the future. Arbitrary inference represents the belief that conclusions can be drawn from a meaningless sample: "The guy who got out of the car in the reserved parking space didn't even say hello to me. I knew that all the officers of this company were self-absorbed creeps." No. The guy who, for all you know, was the spouse of someone who mayor may not work for your company, was either preoccupied or not terribly social. These examples may seem trivial, but these thought patterns can have serious implications for relationships at work and in life. "You wouldn't be interested;' is a statement commonly used in professional and personal settings to avoid communication; it in fact represents mind reading at its most pernicious level and seriously undermines relationships. "The boss doesn't want to know" is a bit of folk wisdom in many organizations that is dangerously unwise, though there is typically plenty of room for blame all around. Subordinates withhold information because they have heard tales of the boss berating the bearer of bad tidings; bosses claim to welcome "honest bad news" but cross-examine the honest purveyor of it as if she were a prisoner in the dock. Errors in thought are closely associated with errors in behavior, and two of the most dangerous illusions are omnipresence and indestructibility. Like the gods of ancient mythology who could be on Mount Olympus one moment, on earth the next, and descending into Hades the next, people who engage in the illusion of omnipresence think that they can do it all. But they rarely fool anyone; certainly they do not fool their colleagues and families. One of the most common manifestations of the omnipresence illusion is micromanagement, and it is typical of executives who have been superior individual performers but are unequipped to work with and through others. These people are not stupid: they are brilliant trial lawyers, surgeons, teachers, designers, and engineers who now find themselves

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leaders in their organizations. But they are unaware of the havoc that they wreak on others. They believe that their competence, experience, success, and organizational authority are sufficient to insulate them from failure. Sutton (2007) punctures this illusion with his provocatively titled book, The No Asshole Rule. Sutton is not trying to make the workplace nice, but rather is engaged to help organizations provide the highest possible return to shareholders. His findings are unequivocal: organizations that tolerate colleagues, no matter how talented, who engage in destructive illusions, lose more in collateral damage to colleagues, reputations, and customers than they gain from individual performance. Despite Sutton's evidence, most high performers who pursue their false beliefs in omniscience and omnipresence do not notice the ax until the executioner's task is complete. The reason is the second major illusion, indestructibility. Well-publicized examples of this illusion abound, from President Clinton to executives at Enron to the more recent meltdowns at the governmentally supported mortgage organizations that had been thought to have been immune from failure. Each of these might resent the comparison to the others, and the point is not to render judgment but rather to make the observation that incredibly intelligent and talented people made incredibly poor decisions, perhaps continuing under the illusion that the forces of the media, political opponents, Wall Street, or an economic meltdown could bring mortals to heel but held no power over titans. Their failures were not merely reflections of poor decision making but of poor thinking: the acceptance of an illusion of indestructibility that they knew to be untrue but accepted nevertheless. High-profile errors by leaders in politics, business, medicine, education, and religion may provide fodder for the tabloids, but they should provide scant comfort for readers thinking that the distance between their daily life and the hubris of the titans of Wall Street

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provides insulation from the same mistakes. Middle managers, entrepreneurs, nonprofit leaders, school principals, and people in organizations large and small take on the erroneous mantle of indestructibility every time they are late in the delivery of another project, fail to follow through on commitments, sloppy in reviewing work, or otherwise believe that they are immune from accountability. Though they may be accountable only to themselves, the illusion of the entrepreneur, sole practitioner, or chief executive, the consequences for belief in indestructibility are inevitable and painful.

FROM INSIGHT TO BEHAVIOR

If we have learned anything about individual and organizational change, it is this: knowledge is not enough. No matter how detailed our understanding of errors in thinking, no matter how insightful our analyses, our success depends on behavior, not knowledge alone. Consider this compelling question raised by Alan Deutschman (2007) in his extraordinary book, Change or Die. What are the odds that you would change if you were given scientifically reliable facts by a trusted authority figure that if you did not change, you would die? Not only will you die but you will die a painful and premature death, preceded by debilitation and discomfort. You have the evidence and you have the motivation, so what are the odds that you will change? Nine to one, Deutschman concludes, are the odds that you will not change. The context for his astonishing claim is heart disease and the changes that people irrationally resist are diet, exercise, and the cessation of smoking. Kotter (2007) offers similarly grim statistics about the odds against change in organizations, where, after all, no one is being asked to give up the three-pound burgers or martinis but simply to be more productive. It doesn't happen in the vast majority of well-funded and much-hyped change initiatives.

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If we have learned anything about individual and

organizational change, it is this: knowledge is not enough.

m .1.

Snakes, Wasps, and Mosquitoes

enewal Coaching is not an event but a process, and the focus ~n reality is not a test that, once passed, protects one from illusion. Rather, the attractive illusions attack uncomfortable reality every moment of the day. Through a relentless focus on clarity and accuracy in thinking-a focus, in sum, on reality-Renewal Coaching conversations allow the client to see those forces that are most antagonistic to individual and organizational change. Equipped with the reality orientation, the client is neither seduced by the power of the

powerful few nor overwhelmed by the swarms of irritants that may seem mere irritants but are in fact deadly. These forces are represented by the metaphors of snakes, wasps, and mosquitoes.

SNAKES IN THE GRASS: THE WRONG

Focus

FOR

ORGANIZATIONAL COACHING

Who are the snakes in your organization? Consider Pete, a widely regarded expert in his field who receives deferential treatment professionally and socially because of his knowledge, position, and authoritative demeanor. A benign glance from Pete can soothe a subordinate's ego, and a harsh word can lead to a crisis of personal confidence. Pete relishes this power, dispensing compliments and his trademark verbal zingers with relish. In a law firm, Pete might be the expert litigator who wins cases while ruining the motivation, engagement, and careers of junior attorneys, paralegals, and secretaries. In a hospital, Pete is the specialist who was attracted

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to the position with promises of privilege and security as long as the ward beds were full. The turnover in nurses, orderlies, and residents who were unwilling to tolerate Pete's behavior was regarded by the hospital administration as the cost of doing business in a cutthroat medical care environment. In a school system, Pete is the leader who was recruited to implement change in curriculum, teaching, and assessment practices and whose salary dwarfed the costs of legal actions that resulted from his dictatorial style. How does a snake like Pete ever get into such a position of authority in the first place? How did the organization accept, not to mention promote and encourage, the behavior of a snake? Snakes have long occupied a dual role in the mythology of many cultures. They are not only threatening and sinister forces of evil; they are also seductive and wise. In the Garden of Eden, Eve was not threatened or intimidated by the snake, but enticed with the promise of life and enlightenment: "You won't die! the serpent hissed. God knows that your eyes will be opened when you eat it [the fruit of the tree of good and evil]. You will become just like God, knowing everything, both good and evil" (Genesis 3:4). This explains the later biblical injunction to "be as wise as serpents." Whatever one's religious perspective, it is a fundamental truth that wisdom carries risks and rewards-insights that wound and knowledge that heals. Snakes also are enshrouded in mystery; the cobra in the basket responds to music that, at least to Western ears, is mysterious and alluring. Half a globe away, the rattlesnake in North American deserts makes its own music, giving the unwary traveler only a few seconds from the percussive warning of the snake to the injection of its deadly bite, just as Pete slithers easily from a benign smile to a venomous assault. These images are alarming enough, whether the snake is real or metaphorical, but they are hardly the ultimate source of the terror. Nightmares about snakes can be particularly terrifying, and more

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than a few readers may find the previous sentences the disturbing antecedent to a restless night. This is, of course, quite irrational. We know that snakes won't be in the bedroom tonight (don't we?), just as we know that Pete's cruelty and insensitivity are not accurate reflections of our personal and professional competence. Herpetologists suggest that snakes bite only when they feel threatened, and Pete's attacks are similarly related to his own feelings of insecurity. But whether Pete threatens or bites, he diminishes his team and organization, and ultimately his behavior must be confronted. An exceptional amount of time by organizational coaches is devoted to toxic interpersonal behavior (Goldsmith & Reiter 2007), apparently in the belief that with sufficient coaching, the snake will become a teddy bear. Although such a mutation may be possible, it is genetically unlikely. You can send a jerk to charm school, but at the end of the day, he is still a jerk. Sutton concludes that organizations unwisely devote resources to attempts to reform unregenerate and unrepentant snakes when a better choice would be to remove the snakes from the environment.

You can send a jerk to charm school, but at the end of the day, he is still a jerk.

In the context of Renewal Coaching, clients may be tempted to devote a disproportionate amount of time and energy to dealing with snakes. The least productive of these conversations involve attempts to devise strategies that will persuade the snakes to modify their behavior, followed closely by developing strategies for getting the snakes to acknowledge that their behavior is destructive and make a personal choice to change. The more productive strategy was articulated by Samuel Jackson in the movie Snakes on a Plane, but for the

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purposes of this paragraph, it is sufficient to note that the only two reasonable investments of time and energy are to remove the snakes or remove oneself from the environment dominated by snakes. WASPS: WHEN THE ORGANIZATION CREATES THE TOXIC ENVIRONMENT

Another reason to limit the time devoted to snakes is that those minutes rob the coaching conversation of time that could better be spent addressing wasps. The genus Hymenoptera includes wasps, hornets, bees, and other insects that work in remarkable teams that can provide remarkable levels of toxicity, with the result of their efforts greatly disproportionate to their size. A single sting from a wasp weighing a few grams can fell a human if that person suffers from sting allergy. A swarm of wasps can kill a wild boar or a domestic horse. In the context of an organization, the wasps are like the Harpies of mythology, the malicious fairies that transformed from maidens to monsters equipped with sharp talons and tormented people in the underworld. They typically did their damage and were otherwise not seen. Wasps within organizations are the teams that bring a project to a standstill: "We tried this last year and it didn't work." "Our technology is not compatible with your idea." "We'll be happy to support this-but not until we have everyone on our staff fully trained:' "Of course, we'll help you on this, but first we have to get buy-in from everyone." "Gee, we'd like to help, but we hate to give directives to our people without lots of lead time."

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These toxic teams do not attract the same attention as snakes, because individually the wasps do not seem very powerful. Whereas the snake is visible and threatening, the wasp, particularly the lone wasp, appears to be just an insect. When confronted with a snake, we might attempt to identify specific behaviors that must be changed. When dealing with a wasp, the task is more complex because it is rarely the action of the individual wasp that is overwhelmingly toxic, but rather the actions of the wasp in concert with many other team members that yield destructive results. Moreover, the actions of the wasp when acting as part of the swarm seem rational and beyond challenge. "What do you mean?" the wasp says defensively. "I didn't stop that project. I was just working as part of the team doing my job!" "I didn't criticize her. Everybody did!" In dislodging the nest of hornets and wasps, reason and coaching are unreliable tools. The nests must be dislodged and destroyed, and while the wasps may individually live to sting another day, the threat of the swarm is ended. In the context of organizations, therefore, an investment in conflict management, courageous conversations, and constructive communication may be helpful, but when the recipients of this indoctrination return to the swarm, they are unlikely to remember the exhortations of the coach. Therefore, the coach confronted with wasps has an ethical obligation to address this issue not with a single client or even with the client's immediate team, but with the organization. Typically several issues need to be addressed, including individual behavior and team dynamics, but at the end of the day, wasps do not benefit from mandatory attendance at charm school any more than snakes do. Moreover, the swarms are part of an environment that allowed, even nurtured, them, and the coach has an obligation to identify the organizational context that must be challenged. These conditions may lie directly at the feet of senior

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management, and it almost always requires an external force, not an employee, to address it. Sarah was a champion lacrosse player in college, and her wellworn sticks, along with several trophies, are displayed proudly in her office. "Competition helped me break through every glass ceiling:' she boasts, "and if you want to have a team of winners, you'd better get them used to competition:' For Sarah, everything is a competition, from the friendly but intense discussion of weekend sports, to weekly sales figures, to incessant comparisons of the performance of one colleague to another: "Nice job, Bob-but I couldn't help but notice that Roberto got the same project done two days earlier." She appears to mimic every coach she has ever had, having acquired their least endearing characteristics, as she threatens, yells, intimidates, and bullies her staff. Noticing that her team is not working well together, Sarah engaged several coaches to provide support to her underperforming staff members. When the coaches reported that the staff members were high performers and in fact would soon be even better performers in other organizations, Sarah asked what the problem was. "You:' the coaches told her. "The environment here systematically takes cooperative professionals and turns them into constant fighters. Everything is a competition, and there are winners and losers every day. People are exhausted, emotionally and physically, and they spend time that they could be working for you and for the organization's goals trying to beat one another. That's not their fault. It is the environment you designed." At this point, the coach's most important piece of equipment may be a return plane ticket or, more conveniently, the button that terminates an electronic meeting. However, the fundamental objective of the coach is effectiveness, not popularity, and speaking truth to power is a primary ethical imperative for coaches. Although

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coaches are typically engaged to assist a particular client, renewal is not merely an interpersonal phenomenon but an interactive process that involves the client's world, including the client's employer and other relationships. While the coach cannot be the intermediary between the client and all of these other relationships, the coach has a particular responsibility to the client's organization when it is paying for the engagement and, most particularly, when it is responsible for a significant number of the challenges that are inhibiting the client's effectiveness. Coaches have, above all, an ethical obligation to speak the truth. This imperative is not a prescription for popularity but effectiveness.

MOSQUITOES: THE GREATEST THREATS AND OPPORTUNITIES

As frustrating and destructive as snakes and wasps can be, by far the most dangerous critter in this metaphorical jungle is the mosquito. The smallest of the lot, mosquitoes are for many people just a part of a summer picnic, with the occasional one swatted away. Though a million mosquitoes can find the park, river walk, or playing field where you spend your summer evenings, they seem a small irritant compared to the joys of being outdoors. As we will soon see, however, the greatest threat to individuals and organizations are these tiny insects. The Centers for Disease Control makes the case in the starkest possible terms: "The World Health Organization estimates that each year 300-500 million cases of malaria occur and more than 1 million people die of malaria, especially in developing countries. Most deaths occur in young children. For example, in Africa, a child dies from malaria every 30 seconds. Because malaria causes so much illness and death, the disease is a great drain on many national economies.

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Since many countries with malaria are already among the poorer nations, the disease maintains a vicious cycle of disease and poverty" (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2007, para. 3). The primary cause is the bite of a particular mosquito. We are no longer talking about an interrupted picnic (though more than thirteen hundred people in the United States are diagnosed with malaria each year, in addition to eastern equine encephalitis). We now are facing a crisis: illness, death, and economic disaster. How bad would it have to get in order to get our attention? Yet despite all of our technological sophistication and the commitment of major philanthropies, such as the Gates Foundation, to malaria eradication, and the development of a long succession of preventive medications, the disease remains a major cause of death and devastation in the developing world, with global consequences. While we have long known about the causes of malaria-the mosquito bite-eradication campaigns dating back to the 1950s have been largely ineffective. Why? These insects with their tiny brains and bodies quickly developed resistance to the chemicals and biological parasites created in the most sophisticated laboratories on the planet. That's right: the nations that put people into outer space have been outsmarted by mosquitoes. The situation is not hopeless, though. And the latest information from world health officials is this: until a vaccine for malaria can be developed, the most effective strategies for dealing with mosquitoes are not continued cycles of chemical attacks, resistance, and unintended consequences, but decidedly low-tech strategies including the use of bed nets, use of long-sleeved clothing if out of doors at night, and the application of common insecticides on the walls of the home. Here are some of the organizational mosquitoes-the environmental irritants that seem small when considered individually, but

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can have overwhelming levels of toxicity when evaluated at the organizationallevel: • Endless regulations, rules, policies, and people's reactions to these regulations, including circumvention, resistance, and complaints, creating continuing cycles of faux compliance, avoidance, undermining, and resistance-but rarely effective implementation • Technology in many forms, including e-mail, copies of e-mail, enthusiasm for new but untested technology, inconsistent connectivity, disconnections between hardware and software, and unwillingness of people to adapt to changes in systems and protocols • Traditions and status symbols, including dress codes, reserved parking spaces, association of office size, space, and accoutrements with position and privilege, and other hierarchical relics of the previous century that create an environment of irritants that make employees feel as welcome to their jobs as campers entering a swamp There is a lesson here for clients and organizations. When you think about mosquitoes, they just seem to be part of the environment. Even if you sprayed so much insecticide onto a playground that you could kill almost all (though not all) the bugs, you would have an environment in which children would be unable or unwilling to play because it would be too dangerous or smelly to enjoy their games. Once we accept commonsense advice about reducing the dangers of mosquitoes rather than eliminating them, we can approach these irritating elements of our environment in a more rational manner. Therefore, in the examples listed above, it would be an ineffective, through somewhat therapeutic, jeremiad for us to rail against toxic

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practices in the organizational environment and, as Tom Peters (1987) used to do, demand destruction of the organization in order to save it. Get rid of the policy manual! Ban e-mail! Burn change resisters at the stake! It may be good theater, but hardly effective coaching. One of the most challenging yet important parts of the coaching conversations is the acknowledgment of what we do not change and, as the serenity prayer suggests, developing the wisdom to distinguish that from what we can change. So just as medical science has, sixty years after attempting to eradicate mosquitoes with superior resources and technology, decided to become practical and offer low-tech ideas to save millions of lives, let us consider the "mosquito net" solutions for the organization. Too many e-mails? We can't stop the flood, but we can use simple tools to read only what is actually addressed to us and stop reading any "cc" incoming mail. As penance, we can contribute five hundred dollars to the organization we find most awful each time we hit "reply all" on an outgoing e-mail. We can identify three times a day to provide a timely response to our correspondents and then, with the courage of saints, simply turn off the e-mail and focus our attention on other matters that require our full concentration for the next couple of hours. None of these ideas eliminates the mosquitoes from the environment, but they do make the environment more livable. Too many silly rules, forms, and regulations? While we have a duty to help our organizations understand the counterproductivity of some of their worst practices, we can also anticipate the typical response: Don't blame us; it's the government's fault. We didn't do it; the legal department demands it because we were sued thirteen years ago, so now we have to do it this way. So the regulatory mosquitoes remain intact. Instead, we can devote one low-energy period per week, perhaps Tuesday afternoon from 2:00 to 4:00, to do nothing

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except deal with forms, permissions, documents, and other things that we have accumulated in the previous week's "mosquito time." We wouldn't want to live in that zone, but we can tolerate it for two hours a week. Traditions, status symbols, and daily reminders of hierarchy driving you nuts? You might try leaving a copy of the latest Fortune Magazine annual issue of "Best Companies to Work For" and highlight the parts about what smart bosses do in order to entice and encourage rather than diminish and discourage their employees. And if your boss is a primate rather than a snake, it might help. In fact, there are many profoundly important environmental changes that smart organizations are making, including a clear and visible commitment to environmental responsibility, that excite and engage employees. Any organization dependent on talent should conduct a ruthless inventory of ancient and toxic traditions and replace them with a new commitment that focuses on the contributions of every colleague. Nevertheless, some clients will return to cubicles or offices that are, by long tradition, precisely four square meters smaller than someone on the next level of the hierarchy, sit in a chair with a bit less comfort, and have a phone with five fewer buttons. In these environments, the mosquitoes will, like their Jurassic ancestors, eventually become fossils and possibly hang around an organization a few millennia from now. Meanwhile, a productive Renewal Coaching conversation is not a complaint about how the ancients should give way to youth, but rather how we can live in the environment we have. We can all put our personal imprimatur on our space, even in the most bureaucratically controlled environment, with images, sounds, furniture arrangement, and personal rituals. Just a few changes, personally chosen and designed to reflect your unique personality, creates a zone of animated vibrancy in an otherwise dreary environment.

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From Reality to Reciprocity

T

he central challenge of life, not just within the context of Renewal Coaching, is confronting reality. It is not changing reality, hoping for a different reality, or withdrawing from reality. It is confronting reality. Sometimes the reality is so toxic, evil, and incompatible with our existence that we will separate ourselves from it. While these changes in organizational affiliations, relationships, locations, and cultures can be profoundly difficult, they are necessary for survivaL Either we move away from snakes or we live with them, recognizing that snakes equipped with advanced degrees in interpersonal behavior remain snakes. Other times, we have the power to change the organizational decisions, confronting not the individual wasps but rather identifying the conditions that nurtured and encouraged the toxic swarm. Finally, there are times we must live within the environment, even when it is invested with organizational mosquitoes. We have learned that eradication can be futile and damaging. But we can use simple methods to live within the imperfect environment we have. It is not without irritation, but organizational nirvana is not an option. In this chapter, the renewal coach has been required to take some risk, dealing not only with the client but with the organization. As we consider the next element of the framework, reciprocity, the burdens on the client and coach become more complex. The interaction between the client and coach is one of mutual learning. If the goal for the client is action for meaningful change, then the coaching conversation is not a one-way affair, as if the coach has all the answers and the client, having taken thorough notes, executes the expert advice that has been provided. Rather, an effective Renewal Coaching interaction requires the client to become teacher, interpreter, guide, and,

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yes, coach. The coach, meanwhile, carefully avoids the expert mantle and expresses a willingness to listen and learn. In this reciprocal relationship, the client becomes more of a coach, extending the learning throughout the organization. At the same time, the coach becomes more of a learner, gaining insight from the experiences, challenges, and successes of the client.

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REALITY ASSESSMENT For a computerized administration of this assessment, log on to www.ChangeLeaders .com, click on Renewal Coaching, and then select Assessment. Date: Stage of Renewal Coaching • Not started • In progress-3 months • In progress-6 months • In progress-9 months • In progress-12 or more months

Instructions: Respond to each of the following statements quickly, providing your first impulse as the answer. A response of 10 is the strongest possible agreement, and 1 is the strongest possible disagreement. There are no correct answers. However, the assessment will be most useful to you if you provide the most authentic response, and that is likely to be the first response that comes to mind. Statement

1. Whenever I hear claims from coworkers

Strongly Disagree

-->

Strongly Agree

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

about their job performance, I tend to doublecheck the facts. 2. When salespeople tell me the price of an item, it's just their bargaining position, not the real price.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

3. When my romantic partners have told me about their successes, they are probably just trying to impress me.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

4. When a doctor or other health professional recommends a treatment, I always get a second opinion and check out additional information for myself.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

5. If a colleague asks me for help on a project, it probably means that he or she is a poor time manager.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

REALITY

Statement

Strongly Disagree

->

101

Strongly Agree

6. If a client or customer says that he or she will work out the written details of a contract at a later date, it means that this person intends to change our verbal agreement.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

7. When I receive a compliment from a supervisor or coworker, they are just flattering me to make me feel good and not giving me an accurate indication of their real opinions.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

8. If I ask my staff for critical feedback about the results of a project and they say that everything is fine, then they are probably just covering up for poor work and not leveling with me.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

9. When I received praise from teachers or parents, they were just trying to make me feel good and not really complimenting my performance.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

10. When people in our community ask me to volunteer to take a leadership role or participate in a community activity, it means that they must be very desperate and have had several other people say no.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Total score: _ _ __ 10-40

You are without question a delightful and friendly person, but you may not reach the next chapter of this book because you are likely to lend your copy to your brother-in-law who has not returned the last ten books he borrowed. You are so trusting that you are sometimes gullible, accepting statements from friends, colleagues, and family members that have little factual support. You may be secretly angry with yourself for being taken advantage of so much in the past, but you continue to accept the statements and behavior of other people

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without critical analysis because you hope that some day your experience will be proven correct. In your coaching work, you should seek ways to identify instances in which you have been misled and rehearse practical and appropriate ways to challenge others. You don't want to become a cynic, but you are tired of being a doormat. 41-70

You have a nuanced view of reality. You've given up on the tooth fairy, but not necessarily on good fortune and the occasional miracle that life has to offer. You are appropriately skeptical when people or organizations have proved themselves untrustworthy, but you also give colleagues, friends, and family the benefit of the doubt. You are particularly helpful in meetings, where you provide a combination of support for new and challenging ideas while not accepting obvious bluster and unsupportable assertions without a request for evidence. Look for organizational roles in which your thoughtful perspective can be shared with others. Don't be afraid to challenge the perpetual skeptics who kill new ideas. Take time to encourage those who might have the ability to engage in critical thinking but rarely express that skill publicly.

71-100

You may have had some friends describe you as cynical, distrustful, and a person whose expectations are regularly met because you expect the worst and are therefore not disappointed. Your colleagues and friends know that they have to be on their toes around you, because you are quick to challenge whatever they say. Of course, there do not seem to be many colleagues and friends having conversations with you these days, as they carefully avoid any repetitions of their previous unpleasant confrontations with you. You may be the boss of your organization; perhaps you think that you achieved this status because of your "critical thinking," but your colleagues (and probably your family and friends) just see you as critical. If you want to help your colleagues and yourself be happier and more successful, then try going for a full day without a single verbal stiletto, e-mail flame, or other public attempt to show the world how superior you are. You may have to lose a very important job or relationship before you take this feedback seriously.

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OPEN RESPONSE ASSESSMENT In order to help clients become more successful, coaches must help them develop a reality orientation. The Reality Assessment for Clients is a good start to this process, but it is by nature abstract and not necessarily related to the daily reality of the client. A much more serious assessment of reality should take place in every coaching conversation as the coach and client consider extended responses to the questions here. They are a source of reflection for coaching conversations. It is the responsibility of the coach to address reality not only in the client's work relationships but also in the coaching relationship. These focus questions will assist the coach: 1. What data and other indicators have you brought to our conversation today?

2. When you say "everybody" or "many people;' can you be specific with regard to the names and numbers of people whom you are describing?

3. What other perspectives have you considered in reaching this point of view?

4. Who else might have a different point of view on this matter?

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5. Whose advice should you seek? Consider in particular people from whom you have not previously requested their point of view. Consider also people at different levels of the organization and different parts of the organization. Consider people from different walks of life, different traditions, different cultures, and different life experiences.

6. How would you express the same idea in a way that considers more than a single conclusion?

7. The data clearly show a certain result, and you believe that you know the cause of that result. What other causes might have caused or contributed to the same result?

8. If you could change this situation in any way you wanted, what would that be?

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9. What do you need to learn in order to better understand this situation? What is the most recent information that you have? Would it help you understand the situation better if you seek updated data?

10. What is your emotional history with this matter? When you think about it, do you feel anxiety, anger, stress, satisfaction, pleasure, fear, gratitude, or other emotional reactions? How do those reactions influence your analysis and conclusions? How would you see the situation differently if you purposely adopted a different emotional perspective?

RECOGNITION

REALITY

RECIPROCITY

RESILIENCE

RESONANCE

RELATIONSHIP

RENEWAL

5

Reciprocity COACHING IN HARMONY

T

is chapter shines a light on reciprocity, shows how it facilitates learning in coach and client, and demonstrates the benefits of reciprocity, including ways to sustain it. In the context of Renewal Coaching, reciprocity is a mutual exchange of experiences that results in growth for the client, the client's organization and community, and the coach. Renewal Coaching provokes insights about what matters most and causes clients and coaches to experience shifts in perceptions about the work the client must do and about the coaching experience itself. Reciprocity offers at least two delightful and surprising outcomes that go beyond the obvious gains for coach and client: coaches learn more about being a coach as well as more about the work of clients, and clients learn more about their own work as well as about being a coach. Reciprocity ensures that coaches become better coaches and clients become more effective in pursuit of their personal and professional goals. Reciprocity is present when leaders learn coaching techniques and spontaneously coach other people in the organization or even in their family or community. These leaders find themselves looking for opportunities to coach, listen with intention, ask mediating 107

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questions, and choose resonance in their interactions with others. Others in the organization begin to notice that coaching makes a difference in the way the leader interacts with them. Moreover, similar changes are occurring in the renewal coach, who is becoming abetter coach as the coaching continues and as the leader accomplishes something remarkable in the organization.

What Is Reciprocity?

(/\ To one works alone. We accomplish our work by influencing, 1 V motivating, and leading others, confident that leadership is not a matter of title or bureaucratic authority, but rather a function of influence. Commitments made by the client during the course of each coaching conversation often have to do with guiding work groups, teams, and even the entire organization. One of the most exciting outcomes of Renewal Coaching is seeing the ripple effect that occurs as leaders hone their skills, attitudes, and ability to lead. Renewal coaches are aware that the impact of their coaching goes far beyond the leader they directly coach. They know that their client leaves each coaching session with the intent to lead others in the organization in a way that moves the organization forward. In reality, renewal coaches understand that everyone with whom the leader interacts in the organization is also their client. This, along with the benefits to the coach who becomes a better coach each time he or she works with a client, describes what we call reciprocity. Renewal Coaching has a clear impact on others in the organization beyond the assigned client. During the term of the coaching relationship, clients no doubt raise issues about direct reports, supervisors, boards, teams, customers, and work groups that cause them concern. Renewal coaches help leaders think through the ways their actions affect others in the organization: employees, customers, team

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members, supervisors, and other leaders. As such, the coaching client is learning crucial leadership skills during each coaching conversation to apply in relationships with colleagues, as well as with people in their personal lives, long after the conversation is over. Others in the organization begin to notice differences in the leader who is being coached. Colleagues' testimonies about the changes they see in the leader are visible indicators of change. Leaders and their teams begin to enjoy the way work is going. Everyone benefits from the thoughtful ideas leaders bring to the group from having the chance to think out loud with their coach. Coworkers enjoy working with a leader who clearly articulates vision, communicates the big picture, understands the requirements of execution, and monitors progress. Another visible result is the change in the way leaders take care of themselves. Leaders engaged in Renewal Coaching are striving to uncover and seek a greater good for the organization. As we already discussed, the greater good requires leaders to extend their reach far beyond the tyranny of the to-do list. The greater good requires leaders to think clearly, have strong values and ethics, maintain emotional awareness of themselves and others, motivate and inspire themselves and others, reflect often, courageously respond to conflict, listen well, maintain presence during difficult times, and understand nuance and politics-to name a few. Renewal coaches support these leaders in caring for themselves. They help them identify what makes them feel rested, happy, and cared for. Their discussions include strategies for renewing energy and commitment to the people and projects in the leader's work and personal life. Consistent with the principles of adult learning, Renewal Coaching is always concerned with developing leaders within the relevant context of the work of the organization. Renewal coaches support clients in moving critical projects forward and help them

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face and address the challenges that come up along the way. From this perspective, the organization is also the client of the renewal coach. Organizations that select the Renewal Coaching approach as a development strategy for their leaders are savvy to this outcome. They expect the organization to benefit from the investment they make to develop their leaders. Kilburg (2006) notes that "leaders and those who try to help them develop do their best work when they are either creating or actually exercising wisdom in the service of their organization" (p. 12). As a development strategy, Renewal Coaching is superbly flexible. It always responds to the client and the client's organization. Renewal coaches never dictate the client or organizational goals. Instead, they first seek to understand the goals and the strategies of the organization and then support their clients to prioritize them and move them forward in remarkable ways for a greater good. Out of the energy that comes from renewal, new possibilities emerge for the organization. In addition to accomplishing goals through the work of leaders who are recipients of Renewal Coaching, organizations seek Renewal Coaching to develop new leaders as a part of their comprehensive attrition planning. They also use Renewal Coaching to support new leaders or leaders who have potential but have some rough edges about them that are getting in their way of excellent leadership. In other words, Renewal Coaching is often part of a comprehensive human relations strategy. It can help to develop new leaders, give excellent leaders an additional edge, or develop leaders who have great potential but may fail unless they improve. Through mindful attention to resonance and reciprocity, Renewal Coaching is far reaching. Although coaches have specific clients, the effect of great coaching ripples out, influencing people and the organization in every direction. Coaching can influence

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• The leader, the main client of the coach, who grows in three ways: coaching skills, strategies to accomplish the goals, and care of self in moving toward renewal • Others who work with the leader as the leader begins to use newly learned coaching skills • Individuals and teams the leader works with as they experience the work the leader begins to achieve • The organization as the actions of leaders and their teams accomplish meaningful outcomes and as it begins to embrace coaching as a strategy for problem solving and ultimately for changing the culture • The family members of the leader as they benefit from his or her enhanced sense of efficacy, equanimity, and renewal • The coaches themselves, who learn more about coaching and their client's organization.

Renewal Coaching is often part of a comprehensive human relations strategy. It can help to develop new leaders, give excellent leaders an additional edge, or develop leaders who have great potential but may fail unless they improve.

Assessing Reciprocity (1 n this world;' one organizational leader told us, "there are tak-

1

ers and givers, and around here, we only want givers." This folk wisdom seemed persuasive enough. Who wouldn't want to be surrounded by "givers"-people who share their information, time, energy, and talent? Shouldn't coaches also be givers? They are, after all, paid to deliver the goods: providing expertise and knowledge with clients. The same predisposition occurs in personal relationships

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when people, disproportionately women, have been encouraged to be givers, an impression on which men, who have had a pretty good time being "takers;' can reliably depend. Brenda Shoshanna (2003), an author, psychologist, and life coach, challenges the commonly held belief that giving is superior to receiving. In fact, she suggests that giving and receiving require one another, and giving without receiving leads to an unsustainable relationship. She says, "Until you become better at receiving, you will continue to attract people who don't know how to give. Why should they give if you can't receive?" (personal communication, September 11,2007). In assessing reciprocity, we are not seeking to laud the nobility of giving or criticize the rapaciousness of taking, but rather note that effective relationships at work and in the rest of life require a symbiotic relationship between giver and receiver. People who are in helping professions, including not only coaches but also those in education, human resources, corporate training, medicine, nonprofit organizations, government service, and a host of other settings, often wear their giving as a badge of honor. Sharing, giving, and echoing the words attributed to Harry Truman that "you can get a lot more done if you don't care who gets the credit" are clearly attributes of successful people. However, the line from effective giver to self-righteous martyr can be a thin one. The Reciprocity Assessment at the end of the chapter should suggest patterns to make both coach and client more aware of the essential balance that comprises effective reciprocity. No matter what your role or position, this assessment will illuminate strengths and challenges for you in Reciprocity. Coaches can ask clients to take the assessment in order to inform the Renewal Coaching process. Individuals who are working through this process alone can take the assessment in order to gain personal insight. Leaders, supervisors, and managers can use it directly with individuals and teams or can lead conversations about the ideas expressed in the assessment. At

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a minimum, anyone can use these insights to reflect on the nature and quality of reciprocity in their work and in life.

Commitments

'7/11 coaching models imply certain promises and commitments Jl that define the nature of the relationship between the coach and client. In Renewal Coaching, the concept of reciprocity includes explicit promises that ensure learning, growth, and change for the client, the coach, and the organization. The following promises express the commitments that guide renewal coaches in their work: • I promise to help you find meaning in the adversities and challenges you face as a leader and in your organization. • I promise to help you learn from what you are facing in your organization. • I promise to help you identify the support you need to take care of yourself in whatever way you need to sustain the energy required to accomplish your goals. • I promise to search for and make visible the connections between your learning needs and what you hope to attain for the greater good of your organization. • I promise to follow you to what you want to accomplish, not what I think you should accomplish. • I promise to support you in seeing the path to redemption and the greater good that square with your values and strengths. • I promise to hold you accountable for moving toward your goals. • I promise to notice patterns in the challenges and success you tell me about and bring them up to you so you can reflect on what it means for you.

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• I promise to offer ideas and hypotheses and to ask questions that test theories, but never to offer advice. • I promise to help you see things that are hard to look at in yourself but that might be getting in the way of your success as a leader. • I promise to celebrate your successes with you by helping you see them and learn from them. Clients too promise commitments as a result of their work with renewal coaches: • I promise to seek meaning in the adversities and challenges I face as a leader and in my organization. • I promise to endeavor to learn from what I am facing. • I promise to identify the support I need to care for myself to sustain the energy required to accomplish my goals. • I promise to search for and make connections between my learning needs and what I hope to attain for the greater good. • I promise to identify what I want to accomplish. • I promise to seek the path to redemption and the greater good, consistent with my values and strengths. • I promise to be accountable for moving toward my goals. • I promise to notice patterns in challenges and successes and identify them so that we can reflect on what they mean. • I promise to offer ideas and hypotheses and to ask questions that test theories, seeking my own answers to challenges and questions rather than asking for advice. • I promise to attempt to see things that are difficult to examine and replace them with productive behaviors. • I promise to celebrate successes. Beyond these promises, which, by the way, can be explicitly discussed and negotiated between each coach and client, are four

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underlying qualities that guarantee reciprocity within the relationship and for the benefit of the organization: safety, feedback, provocation, and accountability.

SAFETY OF THE COACHING ENVIRONMENT

The coaching environment must be safe. Confidentiality of conversations is one element of safety, but the safety of the coaching relationship is more than a promise of privacy in conversation. Safety also refers to intellectual risk taking, the ability to express a theory, test it with evidence, and apply the theory to real-world challenges. If the theory is found wanting, that is not an indictment of the client, coach, or the theory, but rather an opportunity to learn. Clients must also feel safe to experiment with ideas, practices, and communication techniques. Scientists who wish to experiment in the laboratory must have a safe environment. They do not test explosives or radioactive materials without appropriate protection. In the coaching laboratory, clients should not be expected to test provocative ideas without the absolute assurance that their brainstorms will not be used in a public forum to embarrass and humiliate them. Whenever change is involved, fear is an inevitable result of the move from the present state to the next one. Even the potential of change can engender fear, apprehension, or anger. One response to this potential is the avoidance of any suggestion of change. A better response is the consideration of possible change within a safe environment. In organizations, leaders may be responsible for significant changes that result in new strategic partnerships, mergers, acquisitions and reorganizations that require changes in reporting relationships. These leaders must be able reflect on alternatives and consider alternative strategies and tactics well before the decisions are announced.

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At a more personal level, an example would include learning experiences that might lead to a leave of absence, sabbatical, or change in job assignment. These are the sort of discussions that if they took place with a colleague or supervisor, could be regarded as threatening or even indications of disloyalty, whereas the same conversations with a coach are merely part of the learning and exploration process. Learning is change; change takes time; time is the enemy of the demands of almost every job. Therefore, we have an inherent contradiction: organizations claim to want their leaders to embrace change, but they regularly threaten and punish leaders who take the steps necessary to learn and change. These sorts of conversations are rare. Perhaps a trusted friend, spouse, or therapist can listen, suspending judgment, while you consider major changes. But ask yourself what the most likely reactions from even your closest family members and colleagues would be to the following statements: 1. I'm not fulfilled by the work I do in this company. I feel like my strengths are unnecessary and I really have nothing to offer. 2. We just learned that our competition is coming out with a product that is going to take the market by storm. None of us saw it coming. 3. Projected need for people from this segment of the workforce is double that of the number of trained people we can provide. 4. Due to the recent retirement of people who, over the years, had become my dearest friends, I feel alone and isolated from my colleagues in the office. 5. I feel like I'm just working for the paycheck. I don't see how what I do-selling computer chips to overseas manufacturers-even matters.

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6. I'm an idea person, not a tactical person. But all I do is put out fires. I need to reclaim space and time to follow through on what matters to me, even if it means taking a pay cut. 7. My work travel schedule is so intense that I never even have a full weekend to enjoy. I've been alone for years and don't even have time to meet someone I could build a life with. We all need that one person who will pick us up at the airport and be glad we are finally home. 8. Last year we surpassed every financial goal and we also accomplished significant projects to improve our organizational processes. This is great of course, but can someone tell me why I lay awake at night worrying about failing? 9. I just don't like the new head of the department. She gets so caught up in details that we've lost sight of the big picture and can't accomplish a thing. 10. I have not mastered the new project management software that I'm expected to use this week. I feel like I don't have time to learn it and now I'm going to look foolish in front of the whole team. Leaders often wrestle with these dilemmas, troubles, and losses alone. But these are the types of issues that create a visceral undercurrent of unrest and disorientation for the leader. Renewal coaching relationships welcome these issues, for within them hide the catalyst to meaningful opportunity, resilience, discovery, and ultimately, renewal.

Organizations claim to want their leaders to embrace change, but they regularly threaten and punish leaders who take the steps necessary to learn and change.

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FEEDBACK

Feedback is delicate: it's not something into which you jump. You earn the right to give feedback after you have listened, sought clarification, asked mediating questions, examined the available evidence, and then offered tentative hypotheses. Only then have you earned the right to respond, summarizing what you have heard. Note that this is not the same as solving problems or offering advice. It is not solving the problems or offering quick fixes, but rather a reflective process in which the client's own knowledge and observations are synthesized. For example, the coach might say, "I see two strengths and two red flags. Would you like me to work through these with you?" While the client may be strongly inclined to say, "No! As a matter of fact, I'd much prefer just some unadulterated adulation for a few minutes;' those who understand that feedback is a prerequisite for renewal will understand the fallacy of killing with kindness. "Everything is fine; there is nothing to worry about, so let's just have a friendly chat;' is not substantially different from, "You're a loser. Now would you like some coaching?" Without a coach, the client can hear a continuing drumbeat of destructive conversations from many different sources. Consider the statements below, made by four different clients, and the various responses they received from the people in their lives:

Client #1: "I don't know if I can do this job; it really seems overwhelming." Colleagues (with the best of intentions): "Don't be silly-of course you can do it:' Spouse/partner: "What? We moved across the country so you could take this job; you'd better be able to do it:'

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Boss: "If you can't do it, then I'll find somebody else who can." Renewal coach: What specifically do you need to know and be able to do in order to gain the confidence you need? What are a couple of steps that you could take within the next couple of days to move in the right direction? Client #2: "I need to stop and learn-perhaps get an advanced degree or at least take time for concentrated study for several months." Well-meaningfriends:"You're so smart; I'm sure you can pick it up without any trouble at all!" Boss: "If you didn't already know what you needed to, why did you take the job?" Renewal coach: Does your situation really allow you to "stop and learn" or do you need to both learn and continue to make progress at work? An advanced degree certainly is one approach. Could you identify what you expect to learn in the degree? Then could you help me understand what you could do right now to make some progress toward your goals. Client #3: "I'm not sure I can trust my boss to hear what needs to be said. Every time people try to tell the truth, she bites their head off." Well-intentioned colleague: "You're so diplomatic; I'm sure that your boss will understand. Besides, just don't tell the bossjust keep your head down and get along." Boss: "If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen." Renewal coach: When will you have your next discussion with your boss that you believe requires a more candid conversation? Let's role play that right now.

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Client #4: "This problem is overwhelmingly complex and I must communicate it to everyone from the front-line employees to the board to the newspaper. It's too hard to explain." Subordinate, skilled in corporate politics: You're an excellent communicator-just write it out and you'll be fine. Besides, you don't have to explain: you're the boss; just make the decision:' Renewal coach: I'm sure that it is complicated, but would you be willing to try to explain it to me? Let's start by assuming that I'm one of the front-line employees and I'll see if I can understand it. Then I'll play the role of a member of the board and the newspaper staff.

PROVOCATION

Provocative questions are like pebbles in your shoe. They create just enough of a persistent irritation that you have a choice: either ignore it or know that the irritation will not go away entirely unless you stop and deal with it and remove the pebbles. Renewal coaches use provocative questions as a way to confront their clients who feel powerless, hopeless, or immobilized. Provocative questions are irritating enough that once they have been asked, the questions hang in the air and demand consideration. When provocative questions hit the mark, they have the power to shift the conversation from being about what cannot be done to specific and constructive actions that the client can take. The best provocative questions incite the client to realize breakthrough solutions and actions that had not previously been considered. Robert Hargrove (2008) agrees: "The key job is to expand a person's capability to realize an Impossible Future and bring about transformational change which begins by asking provocative questions that raise people's goals and aspirations" (p. 24). Provocative questions are not intended to create conflict between the coach and client, but are designed to stimulate the client's thinking.

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When clients are troubled, perplexed, and suffering, provocation, not sympathy, helps them find leverage. Here are some examples of provocative questions: 1. What are you not facing about the reality of this situation?

2. What is the decision you have been avoiding? 3. What are you resisting here in order so that you can be right about this? 4. What are you denying others by your inaction? 5. What are you afraid of? 6. What is the truth about you in this situation? 7. Where are you selling out on yourself or others?

8. What is it about this that you cherish so much you are willing to stagnate? 9. Why are you thinking small here? Are you afraid? How can you playa bigger game? 10. What do you suspect is obvious to others about you or about this situation? 11. How painful has it been for you lately to feel so powerless? When asked within a reciprocal coaching relationship, provocative questions lead to "compassion in action" a phrase used by Lucinda Vardey (1995, p. xxii) to describe the work of Mother Teresa. We are not suggesting that the work of renewal coaches are on par with Mother Teresa's devotion to changing the lives of others, but we do find the distinction between compassion and empathy to be an important one when considering the role of the Renewal Coach. According to the Merriam Webster Online Dictionary (2008b), empathy is "the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive

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to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner." Contrast this with the definition of compassion: "the sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it" (Merriam Webster Online Dictionary, 2008a). Provocative questions are strategies renewal coaches use to alleviate their client's distress. They are compassionate because they help the client take action. The coach who skillfully uses provocative questions empowers clients to undertake actions that remove the suffering and victimhood that accompanies powerlessness.

ACCOUNTABILITY

Although the term accountability frequently suggests a focus on results, an exclusive focus on effects is never sufficient for a thoughtful analysis of leadership actions. For examples, school leaders who focus exclusively on test scores will not gain insight about how those scores are achieved. Average test scores may rise because of outstanding teaching effectiveness, exceptional parent involvement, or because a high drop-out rate excluded low-performing students from participating in the test. The thoughtless focus on "results;' will praise all three situations, and the last is hardly a cause for celebration. Business leaders who focus exclusively on sales revenues make a similar error, failing to distinguish between the influence of marketing, advertising, sales practices, or general economic conditions on their results. Renewal Coaching is a development process that not only supports people in achieving significant goals and create a greater good but deepens their ability to do so. If this happens, Renewal Coaching clients are thoughtfully positioned to replicate the actions that

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helped them move forward, bounce back from loss, and achieve outcomes that matter. In almost every performance coaching model, the coaching conversation begins with a review of the actions the client agreed to take at the end of the last coaching conversation followed by one simple: "What happened as a result of the actions you took since we last talked?" Renewal Coaching is no exception. Sustained change, which is a product of renewal coaching, keenly heightens client's awareness of the actions they take that make life go well. Within the Renewal Coaching framework, the greater good provides an imperative that inspires clients to take action. It is not unusual for clients to feel quite uncomfortable when they don't follow through on actions they know are needed to move their project forward. After all, we're not just talking about meeting a benchmark or even creating more wealth for the organization. The greater good issues a louder call and represents for most people the legacy they were born to. This is how it was for Amy, a professional photographer who one day understood that her photographic talent could be used to document the effects of global warming around the world. The actions she needed to take to be able to fulfill what felt to her like her purpose on this planet included saving enough money to travel, making time to write grants, participate in environmental organizations and learn about the issues, and garner support from her family to care for her school-aged daughter while she was gone. Every time Amy failed to take actions to fuel these strategies, she was gripped by fear and even at times, despair. It would be no favor to Amy if her Renewal Coach did not hold her accountable for these actions. But a hammer is not required, Amy already beat herself up enough for the two of them. Instead, her coach guided her to remove barriers of time, resources, personal energy, and relationships. Together they objectively looked at the data about what Amy was doing when she wasn't following through on her commitments. This allowed Amy

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insight about the actions she could take each day, no matter how small, to move her dream forward. It also brought up some tough decisions that Amy needed to make about what she was going to give up in order to have time to follow through. In Renewal Coaching, accountability is not just about what is achieved, but is also focused on taking actions that secure early wins and sustain energy for the journey.

Learning in a Successful Coaching Relationship f71ll coaching is really about learning. Renewal Coaching simulJ].. taneously takes learning to several different levels for both the client and the coach. This is what we refer to as reciprocity. From the first story the client chooses to tell the coach about what he or she wishes to accomplish in the organization to the personal challenges the leader might face along the way, the renewal coach is always concerned with developing the leader in the context of the organization. The leader who is attracted to Renewal Coaching wants to learn and make an impact. Sasha, the former dean of the college of nursing in a large state university, put it this way: "I choose where to go, what challenges I should take on based on my strengths as well as what I need to learn ... what has been hard for me up to this point." The renewal coach follows clients into the territory of their choosing and then helps to keep them focused. In their work, renewal coaches draw on approaches from various organizational theories. At times they coach a leader through a difficult conversation that needs to take place with a coworker, boss, or subordinate. At other times, the coaching focuses on process improvement or designing a meeting. No matter what the focus is of any one coaching conversation, however, the renewal coach maintains a

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relentless focus on bringing it all back into the context of the greater good for the individual and the organization. The renewal coach is ever vigilant for the connections between the learning needs of client and organization. As the coaches recognize these connections, they make them visible to the clients. This is the underlying skill that allows Renewal Coaching to stay on track instead of devolving into personal counseling without action for meaningful change. This requirement can be unnerving for a novice coach. Early in our coaching careers, we would be gripped by the thought that we would not know what to say or what to do if a client got off track. What if the client never got to the desired outcome in the organization? After a while, we saw that most of our clients' concerns were connected to the project at hand. When Priya brought up the difficulties she was facing in asserting her ideas in fast-paced executive meetings, it seemed at first that she was moving away from the work of creating a new development plan for leaders. She even apologized for taking the coaching session off track to discuss this troublesome issue. We saw immediately that her ability to confidently assert her ideas at meetings was directly related to the challenges she was going to face on her way to presenting a new development plan for the leaders who attend those meetings. We used the goal she had set for herself of initiating a leadership development plan as the context for developing her meeting presentation skills. In the end, the confidence Priya gained at presenting her ideas was key to the eventual success of her goal for a greater organizational good.

The Importance of Reciprocity

T

o achieve reciprocity within the coaching relationship, coaches

and clients must understand and, if necessary, challenge the preconceived notions each of them brings to the coaching experience.

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The only way to challenge preconceived notions is a series of direct questions early in the coaching relationship, posed not as an interrogation but as genuine inquiry: • Is there anything on which you are unwilling to be coached? • In what areas do you already have complete clarity? • In what areas are you unlikely to receive any contradictory data because you have already made up your mind? • What are you gaining from your perspective? • If you maintain that perspective, what will you lose? • If you learn, grow, and change, what will you gain? • If you learn, grow, and change, what will you lose? If the client responds with uncertainty, then the consistent follow-up must be, "What will it take for you to change that perspective? Here is an example of what an early conversation that explores a client's preconceived notions looks like. During this conversation, the coach and client are teaching each other about themselves while revealing the assumptions about coaching that each brings to the coaching relations:

Coach: Susan, I am looking forward to being your coach over the next six months, and I appreciate your telling me about the three main projects under your direct responsibility. You've mentioned several issues you wish to focus on for the first two projects but nothing about the third project-the online customer satisfaction evaluation system. Susan: I really don't need to talk about that project because I have it figured out. When I was hired, the vice president made it clear to me that I needed to have this online evaluation program functioning within the first twelve months. I accomplished something similar

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in my last position, so I feel very confident that this tool is exactly what is needed. Coach: Would you say this is a pet project of the vice president? Susan: Yes, indeed. That's why I have to go with exactly what I know will work. In fact, last week, about 13 percent of the field consultants participated in a beta test of the technology. When I read their comments, I could tell they really don't comprehend what the tool is designed to accomplish. I can't afford to slow

down or backtrack to catch them up. Coach: Sounds like the stakes are high on this one, given the interest of the vice president. Can you tell me more about why you don't want to be coached on this project? Susan: It's just that I worked so closely with the technical team to create what I think is an excellent tool. To bring the field consultants in now-these are people who don't understand the technical

aspects of the project-will cause us to miss some important milestones. It is really important that I meet this deadline and show the vice president that I can see a project through on time. I feel very anxious about the whole thing. Coach: This is an important project, and you feel anxious about it. You said that about 13 percent of the customer consultant team participated in the beta phase. What was most valuable about the feedback they gave you? Was there anything surprising about what they said? Susan: No. I'm taking their feedback with a grain of salt. They don't entirely understand the importance of the evaluation process, so their ideas about what should be in the evaluation are off-base. In other words, they don't know what they don't know, so I really cannot give their responses a lot of weight.

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Coach: You sound certain that the consultants did not offer valuable feedback. What do you gain and lose from ignoring the feedback you have or from seeking additional feedback? Susan: Those are good questions. I think what I gain is staying on deadline and pleasing the vice president. I really have not thought about what I lose-I've just been so intent on getting the job done on time. I suppose I lose the perspective of the field consultantsand of course they are significant end users of the product. Coach: What could happen if you lose the perspective of the field consultants? Susan: We could miss a fixable step before we roll the product out. I don't really think this will be the case because I know how this product will work, and the technical team is on the ball. But I suppose it is possible that we could miss something that could be an easy fix. Coach: How might the field consultants react if they learn that you and the technical team did not consider their responses to the instrument? I ask this question because I remember your saying that another strategy for your organization is greater permeability and collaboration between divisions in order to improve results. Susan: I see where you are going with this. The worst thing that could happen is that I won't have their input and support on the other projects I want to involve them in. I hate to think about slowing down and involving them in the online evaluation at this point. To be honest, it makes my stomach upset even to think about having to change the milestones. I think the vice president would lose faith in me.

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Coach: How about if we focus on what it would take to include the perspective of the field consultants within the existing milestones. Would you be open to coaching about that? Susan: I appreciate that you understand the situation I'm in. I'm willing to talk about this-and in fact it is a relief to address thisif the existing milestones and time lines remain in place. Let's see where this could go. In this example, both Susan and her coach are learning how far each is willing to go in this coaching relationship. Susan learns that her coach will pick up on important issues that Susan finds difficult to address. She also learns that her coach listens well but will also ask questions that challenge her to consider multiple perspectives and new data. She is relieved to see that her coach understands organizational hierarchy and connections between parts of the greater system. This gives Susan confidence to look at this project and others that will come up later. Susan's coach is also learning. Through this one exchange, the coach learns that Susan is wary about looking at high-stakes issues that are close to completion. She also learns that Susan will consider new information as long as certain parameters are acknowledged (in this case, the existing milestones). The coach knows that the path to sustained change for Susan and her organization will depend on how Susan bounces back from the challenges she faces as she accomplishes important projects that are entry points to enabling practices, such as communication between divisions and collaboration, that may take longer to establish but will generate additional opportunities and benefits.

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Challenging Preconceived Notions

CD eciprocity is a two-way street. Just as clients often hold precon.l.. ~eived notions about coaching that ifleft unexplored may hinder the coaching process, so too do coaches come to the relationship with existing assumptions about the process. For example, clients may believe that the coach cannot be approached about details involving people and the client's processes because the coach is not an expert in those areas. Coaches can also make inappropriate assumptions, such as the conviction that a client is busy and important-perhaps too important for coaching; or that the client is exceptionally well educated-perhaps too educated to need coaching. Other coaches may form the preconceived notion that the client will love having them for a coach when these relationships are, by nature, mutually challenging and not always comfortable. Early in the coaching relationship, the client should pose these questions to the coach: • • • •

• • • • •

What do you really know about me? What do you know about our organization? What do you know about organizations that are similar to mine? How will your coaching be distinctive? How will it meet my needs, and how will it be different from how you have coached other people? What is your purpose in coaching me? If I get stuck on a problem, how will you help me find the answer? How will your work help me improve my performance? How will your work help me create new opportunities for advancement? How will you give me feedback on how I'm doing?

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Savvy coaching clients will explore these questions with their coach as a way to better understand their coach's perspective. Consider how the client in this example learns more about the coach: Client: I'm looking forward to having you coach me this year. In fact, this year may be very challenging for me. We have to increase our profits by 42 percent while we plan for the retirement of two key people-one in operations and one in marketing.

Coach: Your profit goal combined with changes in key personnel creates an interesting dynamic. What do you know about what motivates your workforce during times of growth and transition? Client: Ha! Sounds like you know a thing or two about organizational turmoil!

Coach: Although many organizations experience similar reactions under the same circumstances, I have learned that every situation is unique. This is why it is so important to me that I listen to you within the context of your organization and not from another context that I might have experienced in the past. Client: The tough part for me will be keeping the staff motivated and focused on implementing the strategies we've committed to even though they know that new people will be in key leadership positions by this time next year. How will you help me when I get frustrated with people who can't stay motivated and focused?

Coach: Keeping people motivated through the change in leadership is very important to you. Our coaching could focus initially on brainstorming specific actions for not only motivating the staff as they implement the strategies to increase profits but also involving them in the transition of the leadership team. We can agree that I will ask you to report on these actions at every coaching call and

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then troubleshoot the challenges you run into along the way. How does this sound for a place to start?

From Reciprocity to Resilience

T

he essence of reciprocity lies not in the solo actions of the coach or the client but in the mutual actions of the client, the client's organization, and the renewal coach. This interdependence is an essential antecedent to resilience, the next level of the framework. In order to be resilient-literally "bouncing back" from failure, defeat, and pressures that seem to take one beyond the breaking point-it is necessary for both the coach and the client to begin the effort from a unified position of strength. While there is a great deal of Western mythology that celebrates the solitary hero, and while many people who seek coaching, particularly senior leaders, embrace those myths, the truth is that we succeed not as the "great man" (choice of gender not an accident) on a white (choice of color not an accident) horse, but rather as a team that has embraced the reciprocal nature of teamwork. Only with this confidence that leadership is not the result of a singular person, gender, or culture, but that leadership is the result of a team, can we enter the most difficult challenge of all, the challenge of resilience.

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RECIPROCITY ASSESSMENT For a computerized administration of this assessment, log on to www.ChangeLeaders .com, click on Renewal Coaching, and then select Assessment. Date: Stage of Renewal Coaching • Not started • In progress-3 months • In progress-6 months • In progress-9 months • In progress-12 or more months

Instructions: Respond to each of the following statements quickly, providing your first impulse as the answer. A response of 10 is the strongest possible agreement, and 1 is the strongest possible disagreement. There are no correct answers. However, the assessment will be most useful to you if you provide the most authentic response, and that is likely to be the first response that comes to mind.

Statement

Strongly Disagree --+ Strongly Agree

l. Whenever I'm asked to help for a community charitable event, I always say yes, even if I don't really have the time.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

2. When my colleagues ask for help on a task that is undefined and vague, my immediate reaction is to say yes, and I don't really need to ask for clarity.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

3. When I have a challenge at work, I can work through it myself. I rarely or ever need to ask for help or support.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

4. When my supervisor gives me an assignment, I have never suggested that I was overloaded, even if I was swamped with work at that time.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

5. When my work is not getting done, I just grind it out. I can pull an all-nighter now as well as I did in college.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

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Strongly Disagree

Statement

6. When I notice a need in a different part of my organization, I routinely jump in and get the job done. It's faster and easier to do it myself than ask them to do it.

->

Strongly Agree

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

7. I'd rather work alone than ask colleagues for help.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

8. When something needs to be done around the house, I just fix it, even if my spouse or kids were supposed to be responsible for it.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

9. When I'm stuck in a project or assignment, I'd rather go to the Web for help than ask my colleagues.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

10. When a task or project isn't getting done, it's not my fault. I'm just buried in other work that people have assigned to me and everybody knows that I'm always overloaded.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Total score: _ _ __ 10-40

"It is better to receive than give" appears to be your motto, and this formula may have worked well for you in the past. In fact, it works particularly well if you are used to serial relationships at work and in your personal life, where other people seem at first to enjoy offering you assistance and, just before they grow weary of the asymmetrical nature of your relationship, you move on to the next company, team, friend, lover, or spouse. After all, you perform best as a solo player, and everybody else seems to benefit as well. If there's a tough shot at the end of the game, pass the ball to you and you'll take it, owning the game ball that was delivered to you by unsung teammates. Tough presentation to management or a key customer? You'll take twentyfive of the available thirty minutes, even if a team of twelve put the presentation together. Ultimately, however, the world is a small place,

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and your reputation will precede you. Nobody is asking you to be a chump or to let others take advantage of you, but it's time to pitch in and help someone else for a change. Take notes in the next meeting, write the report that will have other people's names on it, make the bed, stack the dishwasher, turn off the television, and initiate a conversation. We're probably not the first people to tell you these things, so it may be necessary for you to lose something very important to you before you realize that the people who first told you to shareyour mother, kindergarten teacher, or teammate-were probably right. 41-70

71-100

You have a healthy and rare balance between giving and taking, knowing that you have to do a bit of both to maximize your effectiveness. You appear to understand the nature of reciprocity, helping others while being able to accept help graciously and consistently. You have probably noticed that people from whom you accept assistance are happy to provide it, knowing that they can count on you as well. Because your balanced-state sense of reciprocity is rare, don't take it for granted. It is very easy to slip into the giver mode, so challenge yourself regularly to look for patterns that tend to make the giver or taker extreme. You might be reading this while waiting for a colleague, sibling, spouse, child, parent, or complete stranger, all of whom you have volunteered to help, even though they keep you waiting, abuse your time, focus solely on themselves, and all the while are confident that they are doing you a favor by allowing you to help them. If the child you are waiting on is two and a half years old or younger, then she gets a pass. She is not a tyrant and you are not seeking sainthood-it's just what infants and toddlers need. In every other case, however, it's time to reevaluate the nature of your giving and their taking. Even if you have taken vows of poverty, obedience, and promiscuity, all designed to meet the needs of others, the truth is that you are not helping people by eternal self-sacrifice. They will never learn to be what you want them to be-an equal partner in a relationship with you-until you give up the martyrdom of unequal service and support. At the RitzCarlton Hotels, the service staff-the people who clean rooms, make beds, serve coffee, and vacuum the carpets-know from their first day on the job that they are "ladies and gentlemen serving ladies and

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gentlemen." No matter what their job or how apparently menial their service, they have dignity and respect, because they know that they remain ladies and gentlemen. Can you say the same as a result of the many, many services you are rendering? Try this experiment for the next thirty days. Don't pick up other people's coffee cups after the next staff meeting (you didn't think that we were watching?). Don't make the beds of your teenagers. Don't pick up your spouse's socks (yes, we're watching him or her too). The next time you write a report for a colleague, ask clearly, respectfully, and firmly that your name appear on the document as the author. Practice these words: "I would like" and "I prefer not to." The most important phrase for you to start using is, "I already have a commitment;' even if that commitment is to yourself for some time alone. When your stunned colleague, child, spouse, or friend starts to insist, saying that you have always cooperated in the past, don't provide a lecture on how you will no longer put up with their self-centered abuse. Don't give a lecture on the essential symbiotic nature of reciprocity. Just say, "No thanks. I've got another commitment:'

OPEN RESPONSE ASSESSMENT Complete each of these open-ended questions, being attentive to trends and patterns that suggest reactions that are not related to a single situation but that are a reflection of your consistent personal beliefs and behaviors.

1. In the past month, when have you asked a colleague for help on a project?

2. What does it take for you to ask for help? How much discomfort must you experience in order to seek assistance from someone else?

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3. Are your tendencies to ask for help similar or different at home and at work?

4. When you see other people struggling with a task or project, do you offer them help? If yes, how do you do this? If not, why not?

5. When you are receiving advice from a professional, such as a doctor, dentist, or lawyer, what is your role in the relationship?

6. When you are receiving advice from a professional at work, such as someone with expertise in technology or finance or an area in which you have no extensive personal experience, what is your role in this relationship?

7. Think of a specific situation in the past year in which you have received significant assistance from someone at work or at home. How did you feel about this interaction? To what extent did it make you more competent? To what extent did it make you feel less competent? Were you grateful for this assistance? If not, why not?

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8. Consider a situation in which you achieved a significant goal at work or at home. What proportion of that achievement was the result of your personal efforts? If other people helped you in that achievement, describe that person's role and efforts in comparison to your own.

9. Think of something that you recently learned and then shared with your organization, family, or community. How did you share it? How was your effort to share that information received? How will that influence your next attempt to share information and insights with others?

10. Think of a situation in which you have been personally helped by a colleague in an unexpected way. Perhaps it was from a colleague who was a competitor or a colleague who was from a different part of your organization and had no personal stake in helping you. Since that interaction, how have you reciprocated that colleague's efforts?

RECOGNITION

REALITY

RECIPROCITY

RESILIENCE

RESONANCE

RELATIONSHIP

RENEWAL

6

Resilience COACHING THROUGH PAIN

m .1.

esilience is the ability to bounce back from painful experiences \.;vith a transformed perspective. This capacity is strengthened by reciprocity, the mutual work of client and colleagues, and client and coach, that we explored in the previous chapter. When resilience and reciprocity are combined, the client will trigger adaptive ways to recover from loss. Renewal Coaching results in greater resilience for all parties in the coaching triangle: the client, the coach, and the organization. Renewal coaches guide their clients through episodes defined by challenge, adversity, and even loss, which creates a rich context for growth. Resilience is essential if the leader, the organization, and the coach wish to transform these challenges into energy and continue on the path to renewal.

Resilience and Renewal Coaching

cr

ake a moment to think of losses you have experienced. These memories might range from a negative performance review to the loss of a loved one, from a job termination to a rejection by a close friend or a spouse. However painful these memories may be, they are

1

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part of the life experiences that form your attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors today. Renewal Coaching will not ease the pain of loss or offer saccharine aphorisms to divert your attention from the sadness, anger, and bitterness that often accompanies loss. The role of the coach is to provide questions, feedback, and guidance that will lead to resilience.

RESILIENCE BRIDGES

Loss

AND RENEWAL

Air hunger, which is the sensation of the urge to breathe, is usually triggered when sensors in the body detect high levels of carbon dioxide in the blood rather than, as you might expect, low levels of oxygen. Renewal is a little bit like that. It is triggered by the presence of life events that threaten to overwhelm us with their poison-the losses big and small that make us want to shake our fist at the sky and ask (as if we should be exempt from such things), "Why me?" or "Why now?" Resilience is the bridge between pain and renewal, and so its importance to Renewal Coaching is primary. Without resilience, renewal is impossible. You take a blow, and it compromises you for a while. Then you straighten up, figure things out, find the silver lining, learn something new, reconfigure your thinking, take positive action, pull yourself up, and get back on that horse (or snowboard). And then you take a big breath, and you are renewed. Without loss, there is no need for resilience. Without resilience, renewal is elusive. Resilience gives us the window we need to recover from loss and begin to render it into something that makes us stronger. Resilience sustains us on the bumpy path to renewal.

RESILIENCE IN THE CLIENT-COACH RELATIONSHIP

Change is loss. Every coach knows one thing to be true: coaching is a support system for people in the grip of change. Change is not

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wispy and ephemeral. It is tangible to all the senses: edgy, rough, bitter, discordant, and even sharp. Most people, even those who enjoy the results of change, don't particularly like to go through it. Another thing that coaches know is that learning is just an acceptable word for change. Think about it. When you learn something, you are no longer who you were before you knew what you now know. Oh sure, some learning is incidental and even entertaining. But for leaders of any capacity, learning can be mind blowing and certainly calls for reasoned action. Consider just a few of the learning epiphanies common to leaders: • The predicted market will not sustain the need for the product you produce. • New tax regulations will take a large chunk out of next year's profits. • The marketing team despises the customer relations team. • Your workforce lacks the skills and knowledge needed for the next big thing. • There is a faster, better piece of technology to manage your data, and you don't have it. • Your strategic plan lacks focus and is filled with rambling goals that cannot be measured. • A new board member is challenging your latest strategy. Everyone of these epiphanies represents a new understanding or insight for the leader and alters what has been passing for reality up to this moment. No doubt it is just this sort of thing that spurned the old saying that ignorance is bliss.

THE DANGER OF CHANGE WITHOUT RESILIENCE

Wise leaders know that learning, and therefore change, is actually the norm and not an anomaly. For this reason, many of these leaders

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have a coach at all times to help them think through the high-leverage actions they need to take in response to the change. Less wise leaders rail against these insights, putting more effort into denying them and resisting change than into responding to them and accepting reality. In May 2008, a young man named Christopher Savage from Barstow, California, came to the nation's capital to start a new life. "He flew into Dulles at 10 P.M. on April 15. He was found dead on his friend's couch at 1 P.M. on April 19" (Delaney & Cherkis, 2008). This story touched Elle, who had also relocated to Washington and understood the challenges of picking oneself up and putting oneself down in an entirely new place. She lived just half a block away from the Black Cat, the music club where Chris had found a job. Because the story alluded to the possibility that Chris was using drugs, many people wrote editorials to convey their belief that the story of an addict down on his luck really wasn't news. Elle thought differently, thinking that Chris was perhaps in the disorienting grip of a major transition. She wrote her own editorial blog on the paper's Web site: Obviously, I don't know if Chris was using drugs the night he died. Whatever else was happening with him, it looks like he also was suffering literally with homesickness-a very real condition documented as far back as 1678. Homesickness, and what Ernesto De Martino (philosopher, archeologist) calls "territorial anguish;' comes in part from literally losing sight of familiar surroundings, and their associated cultural codes. The Italian word De Martino used to describe this, "spaesato," spawned the common phase "spaced out:' Making new friends and finding a job at The Black Cat were all very productive means to create bearings for himself in his new city. For whatever other poor judgment or addictions Chris might have had, he was taking action to reorient his life to a stable point-making the last

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message left by Chris to his friends-"I'm lost, man. Call me if you can"-even more poignant. People in transition are in a vulnerable state of mind and body-this is probably one reason we recognize that "change" is so difficult for many, even when we initiate it and even when we know it is the best thing for us. Yet America was built on the willingness of many to give up the known for the unknown, which makes the story of Chris Savage more universal than it might first appear. We share this story to make this point: people in transition are vulnerable. Change usually thrusts people into transition-that disorienting space between what is known and comfortable and unknown. The old rules, assumptions, and algorithms for "how we solve things around here" are no longer dependable. This is a shaky time for many people. Nostalgia for what has been lost will pull mightily at the heart and head, often causing people to go back instead of forward. Nostalgia has the power to negate resiliency. In this vulnerable place, renewal coaches are called on to support leaders as they reorient themselves to what is new and yet undefined.

Renewal coaches are called on to support leaders as they reorient themselves to what is new and yet undefined.

At this point it must be said that loss as we see it can be anything from having a stunning realization that challenges a cherished illusion to profound losses such as the loss of someone beloved to us, livelihood, relationship, or health. Jungian psychologist Clarissa Pinkola Estes (1996) writes about loss in her groundbreaking book, Women Who Run with Wolves. She calls them las muertes chiquitas and las muertes grandotas--small deaths and big deaths. She says

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these are "the roads not taken, paths that were cut off, ambushes, betrayals, and deaths" (p. 396).

MINDFUL RESILIENCE

Because loss, and therefore change, is universal, coaches who grasp the nature of resilience and, better yet, employ strategies to nurture it in their clients possess a significant tool to support every client they will ever work with. At the same time, coaches themselves need resilience in order to face the discomfort of coaching. Coaches are constantly in a changing sea, one minute listening to clients, the next minute actively challenging their clients' ill-conceived assumptions, and the next minute collaborating on high-leverage actions to move a project forward. This is especially true when coaches have to oppose clients in friendship in order to slow the client down and cause this person to reflect on actions he or she wants to take that may be destructive. To coaches who have nurtured trusting relationships with clients, this can feel as if they are risking it all in order to do the tough work of coaching. The good news is that once coaches and leaders become aware of the nature of resilience, both can activate it by choosing to do so. lt sounds simple, but of course it is not. Resilience must be stronger than the pull of nostalgia, which is a great force indeed. The Resilience Assessment at the end of this chapter will help coaches and clients explore their reactions to loss and their patterns of resilience.

From Resilience to Redemption

CD esilience is a choice that requires faith in the process of post.1. \!raumatic growth. It is not magical, but sometimes it does

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seem like a miracle. This is because many people go through a dormant period during the transition from one reality to another where they are processing events and registering information, often at a subliminal level, in order to find their way to renewal. Sometimes a dramatic event-even reaching bottom, a well-known concept in the field of addiction recovery-is necessary to motivate a person to wake up and move forward. Consider the story of Bud Welch. Bud's daughter, Julie, died in the Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City the day it was bombed by Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols. Welch's personal story of transformation, from being an angry father seeking revenge to an activist working tirelessly against the death penalty, is compelling: For about eight months after the death of his daughter, Bud was consumed by his loss, withdrawing from family and friends and turning to alcohol to numb his pain. But then while watching the news on TV one night, he saw footage of Bill McVeigh, father of Timothy McVeigh, working in his garden. For several seconds Mr. McVeigh looked directly into the camera and in his stooped shoulders and gaze, Bud recognized the pain of a father with a child in peril. Bud's heart stirred in that moment and he got back in touch with a long held belief, shared by his daughter Julie, that the death penalty was unproductive and added only more pain to the world. Bud began to speak out against the death penalty in general and specifically related to Timothy McVeigh. He went to New York and met with Bill McVeigh [Allison,2007J. Most people would agree that nothing is more devastating than to lose a child. Resilience in the face of such a blow is unimaginable. Yet every day people come back from the brink of despair in just

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these situations, and many of these same people begin to live a life infused with wisdom.

When Resilience Is Elusive (l\ Tear the equator you'll find a section of ocean known as the

1 V doldrums,

where atmospheric conditions cause winds to cease and currents to slow. Sail boats trapped in the doldrums can languish for weeks, sails fluttering ineffectively in the still air. Ancient mariners carrying livestock referred to the doldrums as the "horse latitudes" because as fresh water supplies dwindled, this was the place where they would have to drive the horses overboard in order to preserve human life. The doldrums offer a metaphor for what many of us feel when resilience eludes us. We feel stuck, unable to move beyond that which has paralyzed us. Experience tells us this is true: Trouble finds us all. Yet, you probably know someone whose obsession with a person or situation that "did them wrong" prevents them from moving forward in their life. These are the men and women who are still seeking revenge on an ex-spouse ten years after the divorce. They are the people who were fired or laid off and spiraled down into financial ruin. They are the students who fail one class and then drop out of school. Life's challenges can certainly take the wind out of your sails. The question is, will you bounce back or will you break?

POSTTRAUMATIC GROWTH

Nurses and caretakers of men and women who have been in terrible vehicle or domestic accidents or have sustained injuries from wars have long noticed that just as some patients suffer from posttraumatic

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stress disorder (PTSD), others, directly as a result of their trauma, ultimately experience growth (Calhoun & Tedeschi, 2006). Starting in 1995, people in the field of physical rehabilitation and positive psychology labeled this characteristic posttraumatic growth (PTG). Studies about PTG uncover two related themes present in the lives of people who choose it: willpower and an altered perspective. Willpower is seen as a quality that might be described as staying resolute even when goals, dreams, and even life itself are compromised. Willpower is also seen in the extremely practical decision to strategize recovery--to not only formulate but also work a plan, which is the very spine of the work coaches do with clients. The experience of posttraumatic growth also brings a change in perspective toward relationships with others. Think of workaholics who are suddenly floored by a heart attack. As they begin to get their physical strength back, they might also come to value the people in their lives differently. It's as if they finally understand the priceless quality of love-both giving and receiving. They reprioritize their time and often completely discard old roles and responsibilities that kept them from putting people important to them first.

FACING THE CHALLENGES OF RESILIENCE

Drawing on what we can learn from those who experience posttraumatic growth, coaches and their clients have powerful resiliency tools they can employ where appropriate. For example, when clients are facing challenges that lead to a need for resilience, they can feel overwhelmed by forces beyond their control. They are not in a position to develop strategies, but are merely attempting to survive and to conclude, for another day, that they will be able to plan and think and recover in the future. In extreme cases, these people may be

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profoundly depressed and in need of medical help. Coaches are not therapists, and they risk doing grave damage to a client who needs not their coaching but medical intervention and psychotherapy. Coaches can, however, help people who are physically and mentally able to work on resilience develop strategies that will help move them toward renewal. When clients feel overwhelmed, for example, these coaching strategies are appropriate:

• Focus on the main goal, established early in the coaching relationship.

• Identify high-leverage activities in which a single action by a client will have the greatest probability of yielding the greatest return. For example, for a client overwhelmed by a crush of incoming e-mail, a single change in strategy, such as limiting reading and responding to three concentrated times per day, will provide immediate psychological relief and probably improve the client's productivity-all in a single day. For a client overwhelmed by interpersonal attacks by a single person, a single three-minute conversation, no matter how difficult it may be, may save hours, days, and weeks of stress, anxiety, and fear. For a client stuck on a project, the completion of a single paragraph or just an introductory sentence during a coaching session may be enough to get the client out of the cesspool of despair and back on track. • Practice essential actions with role plays. Sometimes the coaching conversation is not just talk but action. If the client needs to compose a list to make a project less intimidating, then the coaching conversation includes not just talking about the list but actually writing the components for it. If the client needs to have a difficult conversation with an abusive colleague, acquaintance, or family member, then the coaching

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conversation is not a litany of complaints about the coworker but a rehearsed conversation that will take place. • Explore alternative points of view. When a client is stuck in the "that will never work" frame of thinking, the coach does not require industry expertise to encourage the client to identify a minimum of ten or fifteen alternative solutions. These can range from the silly-"nominate my boss for the next mission to Mars"-to the practical-"Develop three alternative strategies for my boss to consider, so that we not only stop the current of ineffective work but also show my boss that I will take initiative, analyze the situation, and assume responsibility for results." • Identify patterns. Return to Chapter Three on recognition, and apply the open-ended questions assessing the situation in which the client is stuck. What patterns emerge? One of the most powerful coaching techniques is to focus on the patterns, not just on a problem. • Identify activities for learning and discovery, such as journaling, meditation, response to poetry or music, or other learning and discovery methods appropriate and comfortable for the client.

• Explore alternative methods of communication, and consider advantages and disadvantages of each in the client's own experience. When the client is frustrated, for example, and coworkers ignore his or her e-mails, an angry e-mail on the subject from the client is not the best strategy. Coaches must challenge clients to change not only actions and words but also the methods by which they communicate about their actions and words. Coaches must challenge clients to change not only actions and words but also the methods by which they communicate about their actions and words.

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From Resilience to Resonance

to esilience does not happen without challenge, and as the ex.L \:mples in this chapter have suggested, those challenges, including grief, anxiety, and despair, can be profound. The good news is that there is a world of encouragement awaiting those who are willing to proceed to the next level of the renewal framework: resonance. Compassion, empathy, and hope are not saintly attributes, though the world would doubtlessly be better off if more people practiced them. Rather, the characteristics of resonance provide fulfillment for clients and their organizations, communities, and families. Coaches can help clients along this journey with the research and practice we are about to explore.

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RESILIENCE ASSESSMENT For a computerized administration of this assessment, log on to www.ChangeLeaders .com, click on Renewal Coaching, and then select Assessment. Date: Stage of Renewal Coaching • Not started • In progress-3 months • In progress-6 months • In progress-9 months • In progress-12 or more months

Instructions: Respond to each of the following statements quickly, providing your first impulse as the answer. A response of 10 is the strongest possible agreement, and 1 is the strongest possible disagreement. There are no correct answers. However, the assessment will be most useful to you if you provide the most authentic response, and that is likely to be the first response that comes to mind. Statement

1. Almost every week, I encounter a situation

Strongly Disagree

-->

Strongly Agree

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

that is past my breaking point. I don't know if I can bounce back from it. 2. When I encounter failure, the causes are almost always factors beyond my control.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

3. I have recently suffered a professional disappointment, and I doubt I can ever make it up to my boss or my organization.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

4. I have recently suffered a personal relationship loss, and I probably will not ever have another chance for a similar relationship success.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

5. If I ask for help from colleagues, they will know that I am incapable of doing adequate work on my own.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

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Statement

Strongly Disagree

---+

Strongly Agree

6. When I encounter silence in a personal relationship, it usually means that the other person is disappointed or angry with me.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

7. When I think of tragic events in the news or in history, most of them were just unavoidable.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

8. The significant changes that have happened in my life were usually caused by forces outside my control.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

9. In the past year, I have attempted to make a major personal change, but outside influences prevented me from following through on the change.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

10. In the past year, I have attempted to make an important professional or educational change, but I could not get the support from organizations and institutions to make it work.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Total score: _ _ __ 0-25

You are an amazingly resilient person. When you encounter disappointments, you bounce back, confident in your ability to learn from the experience and almost certain that you can influence the results the next time. This strong confidence in your ability and healthy skepticism of the influences of the outside world will generally serve you well. However, others may sometimes see your confidence as cockiness or arrogance. Your confidence in the superiority of your influence on the world can also appear to be indifference to the forces of nature and society. You may also underestimate powerful social forces that should sometimes be taken more seriously.

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26-50

You are a moderately resilient person, fairly confident in your abilities to withstand the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or at least of daily life. Your amiability and self-confidence are balanced by a healthy understanding of outside influences on your personal and professional success. Your equanimity, however, can be interpreted by others as being a bit wishy-washy or inconsistent, so you will benefit from clarifying your analysis of situations. For example, when you encounter a disappointment, it will be helpful if you articulate clearly where your personal responsibility begins and the impact of outside forces ends.

51-75

You will benefit from an explicit focus on improving your personal resilience. Your life experiences have influenced your thought patterns in a troubling way, robbing you of confidence in your own abilities to influence your future. This can create a sense of fatalism that becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. If you think things cannot improve, then they probably will not. If you believe that your influence on events around you is limited, then you will probably be correct. You would benefit from focusing on some very short-term (one to four day) objectives in which you can demonstrate your ability to influence your own life and have an impact on events around you. Rather than pursue an overwhelmingly large objective and risk disappointment, consider the pursuit of a series of small victories. The cumulative effect of them might surprise you.

76-100

You have suffered serious personal and professional setbacks, and because you are convinced that these disappointments are beyond your control, you are heading toward a future of despair unless you take serious and immediate corrective action. Your support structure at home and at work may have abandoned you as your cloud of bleak disappointment tends to scare away those who might try to offer assistance. While you may think that you are simply being open and honest about the way the world is, your views can strike others as bleak and foreboding, and therefore even people who care about you do not spend much time around you. That makes for a very lonely and disappointing life, which worsens the cycle of solitude, anger, and cynicism in which you find yourself. Fortunately, there are skills you can develop that will lead to resilience and renewal, but this will require some intense focus and concentration on a daily, even an

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hourly, basis. You will need to check your thought patterns for accuracy and engage in resilience exercises that will allow you demonstrate your impact on your life and on the world around you. You deserve to have a much happier life than you have right now.

OPEN RESPONSE ASSESSMENT Complete each of these open-ended questions, being attentive to trends and patterns that suggest reactions that are not related to a single situation but that are a reflection of your consistent personal beliefs and behaviors. 1. Think of a time that you would describe yourself as resilient. What happened, and why is that evidence of resilience? Would other people who know you well answer this question the same way? Why or why not?

2. List the losses in your life on a time line divided into decades. Describe what you remember doing in the weeks immediately following the loss. Then, describe the actions you took over the next six months. What patterns do you notice about how you respond to loss?

3. Think of an incident where you were less resilient. What seems to be different about the incidents where you are less resilient?

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4. How does your behavior change as a result of medication, alcohol, or exercise? When you have endured a loss, how has it affected your personal and work relationships? What other elements of your daily routines have been affected by the experience of loss?

5. List the events in your life that you consider to be successful or even pinnacle experiences. What losses preceded these positive events?

6. What do you believe about the relationship between positive events and losses? If you detect an association between the positive and negative, explore that. Which events come first? How does one event lead to the next?

7. Are you more resilient when you experience loss in certain areas of your life over others? For example, are you more resilient with financial loss than relationship loss? Loss of relationships rather than physical health?

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8. Bring to mind a recent loss from which you have recovered. What strategies were successful?

9. Think of one or two people you would regard as resilient. List what you know to be the strategies they use to respond to loss. Are any of the strategies you use to bounce back from loss similar to theirs?

10. What undermines your ability to be resilient? Do you isolate yourself during times of trouble? Do you procrastinate in your work? Do you doubt your gifts and abilities? What do you need to learn about resiliency in order to become more resilient?

11. How does your organization and family respond to loss, challenges, and change? How have these responses influenced you?

RECOGNITION

REALITY

RECIPROCITY

RESILIENCE

RESONANCE

RELATIONSHIP

RENEWAL

7

Resonance COACHING WITH EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

rD esonant people are great to be around. These are people .1. \.. whom others like to talk with, work with, and spend time

with. Their projects at work are popular, and others enjoy being on their teams. In their work life and their personal life, they seem able to rally others toward achieving goals with enthusiasm. These people have a high level of resonance. Although the term has been widely used with both scientific and psychological meanings for a long time, more recently, resonance has been popularized by Boyatzis and McKee in their book Resonant Leadership (2005). There is a strong relationship among emotional intelligence, the cultures at work described as "resonant," and positive business and organizational results (McKee & Rotondo, 2007). Resonance contains the characteristics of mindfulness, hope, and compassion. Renewal is our ultimate goal, and resonance, along with its associated characteristics and behaviors, is an essential building block to establishing a culture where renewal can occur.

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What Is Resonance?

tTl 0 you know someone who is great to be around? Someone '1-/ who consistently changes the atmosphere in a room? Someone who ignites emotions of hope, happiness, and optimism in others? Someone who treats other people as if they matter? This is a resonant person. According to McKee, Boyatzis, and Johnston (2008), resonance is not a singular characteristic, but a blend of emotional qualities that stem from a healthy dose of emotional intelligence and include optimism, hope, empathy, passion, and commitment. Resonant leaders cause their colleagues to voluntarily move in predictable patterns that are significant with the leader. Therefore, when the leader sees a future filled with promise and excitement, these positive expectations are shared throughout the organization. Resonant leaders are men and women who not only achieve personal and organizational goals but are also simply fun, even joyful, to work with. Like a hearty laugh that makes others can't help but smile, resonance is contagious, leaping from one person and context to another. In order to fully understand resonance, we must also understand dissonance. Dissonance is not merely the absence of resonance but the transmission of destructive emotions such as fear and anger. Resonance creates miracles and magic; dissonance creates mischief and mayhem. Dissonant leaders are a drag on individuals and the organization. Worse yet, they may not have a clue that they are the source of toxic emotions and behaviors. In fact, they often claim to be tough but inspiring, setting high standards for everyone around them. "I don't take any crap from anybody;' they say with pride, "but I know that my people respect me." Like the proverbial bull in a china shop, these people cause damage to family members, coworkers, and

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their entire organization, not realizing that their swagger and bluster are deflating, not inspirational.

Assessing Resonance

T

he good news is that resonance is a skill that can be learned and improved over time. The bad news is that there are many pressures, personal and organizational, that lead to dissonance. Our own frustrations get the better of us, people take advantage of our good nature, and we end some days thinking that whoever said "nice guys finish last" must have worked in our organization. Use the Resonance Assessment at the end of the chapter every three or four months to assess your own level of resonance. Whether you are a coach, client, leader, or team member, the Resonance Assessment will provide you insights about how you approach life and the emotional impact you have on others. If you find this useful, you might ask your team members to consider taking the same assessment as part of a general "resonance checkup" that is essential to the emotional health of your team and, ultimately, your organization.

A Resonance Experiment

P

erform the following experiment. For the next four days, identify a situation that feels negative, discouraging, or tense. For most people, that's not too difficult, and you probably have a face, scene, and specific subject already clearly in mind. Here is the experiment. Deliberately project a positive presence in each of these situations for four consecutive days. This means withholding judgment and criticism, but also projecting in words, actions, and nonverbal

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cues only a positive presence. Observe what happens for you and the other people who share this situation, and record your notes in the space below.

Dayl The situation:

Evidence of my positive presence:

Reactions by other people:

My own reactions:

Day 2 The situation:

Evidence of my positive presence:

Reactions by other people:

My own reactions:

RESONANCE

Day 3

The situation:

Evidence of my positive presence:

Reactions by other people:

My own reactions:

Day 4

The situation:

Evidence of my positive presence:

Reactions by other people:

My own reactions:

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At the end of the four-day experiment, analyze your notes: What were common themes about the situations?

Did the emotional tone of the situation change? If so, how long did it take? If not, what impact did that have on you?

How would you describe your presence outside of these four situations in which you were deliberately projecting a positive presence?

How Does Resonance Fit into the Framework?

CD enewal strategies are both short term and long term. Short.1. \.!erm renewal is what motivates you every day. It leads to a choice of resonance over dissonance with every person you meet. Long-term renewal is what draws you into the future-your vision for the greater good that transcends the to-do list and the obvious benefits of financial reward to actually make a compassionate difference for others. Clients who choose resonance over dissonance lean into a strong wind. Even in typically dynamic, supportive, compassionate work environments, leaders face demands to give of themselves in extraordinary ways every day. In unsupportive, stymied, careless work environments, leaders pay a large personal price. In these environments,

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clients face myriad meetings that are either pointless or scheduled at the last minute to put out fires. They are asked to deal with conflicts between people. They are often the lone voice maintaining focus for the organization or dysfunctional work teams.

Clients who choose resonance over dissonance lean into a strong wind.

If resonance is not purposeful, then people become dangerously depleted, to the extent that they are now part of the problem-active participants in dissonance. In these cases, personal renewal, if it comes at all, becomes an intervention instead of a joyful life strategy. Examples of "personal renewal as intervention" include everything from finally taking those weeks and weeks of accrued vacation time, to sudden illness, or turning to alcohol and drugs for release. Ultimately "personal renewal as intervention" can involve the ultimate crisis, such as a heart attack, stroke, or checking into an institution-or a cemetery. Clients choose resonance because they know it will spawn resonance in every person they interact with. Resonance can lift the mood of people in a single meeting and lead to breakthrough thinking, and it can electrify an entire organization with passion for its mission. Resonance inspires people and "supports higher productivity, creativity, a sense of unity, a sense of purpose, and better results" (McKee, Boyatzis, & Johnston, 2008, pp. 39-40). Dissonance creates a toxic environment characterized by destructive emotions of fear, jealousy, and attachment. Dissonance reveals itself in pessimism, fear, frustration, irritation, and pervasive crankiness. Another clue that resonance is absent and renewal is at risk of being undermined is the low ratio of successful actions to unsuccessful actions, thus

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inhibiting the accomplishment of meaningful goals. Great renewal coaches track the patterns from both of these sources as they interact with their clients. Together, coaches and clients can evaluate the results of actions taken, actions aborted and the spin-offs from each. Great coaches contribute to resonance by being resonant themselves. They do this by tending to their own need for renewal, which fuels them with presence, compassion, and hope not only to do their work to achieve a greater good but also to infect their clients with the same. The Renewal Coaching relationship must create an emotional wake of resonance, and to do so, coaches must take care to choose words and tones that are truly compassionate and hopeful, even when they are confronting a client. In all likelihood, even though your clients may be leaders of powerful and successful organizations, there are times when they hang on your every word as students do with a beloved teacher. Coaches must never forget they are making a memory of this moment for clients. When coaches treat every conversation as if it matters, then resonance is at the center of every interaction.

When Resonance Is a Challenge (1 A

}hile emotions at work can be as intense as any personal relaV tionship, the most vital examples of resonance and dissonance occur in the course of romantic entanglements. That's what makes the tragic stories of operas and novels so appealing. We can identify with characters who become involved in relationships full of emotional turmoil. Some characters barrel through life seeking always to align decisions and resources in favor of their personal needs and wants, blissfully unaware of the toll others pay on their behalf. These characters are pathologically self-centered or narcissistic, as they are in the extreme art form, the melodrama, with an audience that loves

.V

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to boo at the villain. Change the scene to the opera, movie, or novel, and we cheer, even if silently, when the bad guy is fed to the sharks or the bad girl is consumed by poisonous snakes. We need not be vengeful because Rambo, James Bond, or Rossini has done our dirty work for us. Susan Scott writes about the emotional wake in her book Fierce Conversations (2002). She says, ''An emotional wake is what you remember after I'm gone. What you feel. The aftermath, aftertaste, or afterglow" (p. 187). An emotional wake reverberates with either resonance or dissonance. Both are palpable energies that have two completely different effects on others. Renewal coaches compassionately confront clients who are not aware of how their words and actions are damaging others. They do this by asking some difficult questions-for example: • "Jen, this is the third time you told me you slammed your door when you returned to your office after meetings with your staff. What might the people in your office take that to mean for them?" • ''AIdo, you said you've been avoiding all communication with Therese for the past month even though you are both responsible for completing this project together. You even said you notice that Therese has quit asking to get together with you, even though others have told you she is upset about your lack of communication. Why are you avoiding communication with Therese? If you leave her out of this project but you want to work with her on a future project, what will you have to repair?" • "Robert, you are disappointed in the conference because your team seems to be focusing on what went well, while to you, there were also many glaring errors. What happened immediately after you shared your perspective with the team?

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What was said? How did people look? What was your goal, and how did the outcome differ from that?"

From Resonance to Relationship

CD esonance is the most challenging element of the Renewal ..1. \s=oaching framework. When we are right, we can feel emotionally drained. When we are wrong, we can feel deceived and angry. The same skill that served us well at the office-rationality and skepticism-may hurt us in a personal relationship. Then just as we think we have it all figured out, the same skill that helped us in a personal relationship-openness, trust, and presumption of good faith-led us to being ridiculed and defeated in a high-stakes business situation. Resonance is the most challenging element of the Renewal Coaching framework.

We therefore leave this chapter not with resolution but with the certainty that our pursuit of balance entails risk. One risk when it comes to resonance is that we grant to others the benefit of the doubt when they do not deserve it. The second risk is that we fail to resonate with others when they most need it. Perfection is not an option, so we must choose risks wisely. That balancing act is also at the heart of the next element of the Renewal Coaching framework: relationship.

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RESONANCE ASSESSMENT For a computerized administration of this assessment, logon to www.ChangeLeaders .com, click on Renewal Coaching, and then select Assessment. Date: Stage of Renewal Coaching • • • •

Not started In progress-3 months In progress-6 months In progress-9 months

• In progress-12 or more months

Instructions: Respond to each of the following statements quickly, providing your first impulse as the answer. A response of 10 is the strongest possible agreement, and 1 is the strongest possible disagreement. There are no correct answers. However, the assessment will be most useful to you if you provide the most authentic response, and that is likely to be the first response that comes to mind. Statement

1. When I saw a colleague I didn't know well or a complete stranger crying, I thought, "Get a grip!" It really made me uncomfortable, and

Strongly Disagree --> Strongly Agree

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

the last thing I wanted to know was the details of this person's life. They may have a problem, but it certainly doesn't involve me. 2. Whenever I see a group of people laughing, it makes me worry that either I didn't get the joke or perhaps that they are secretly laughing at me. I never join in the laughter but either avoid the situation entirely or suggest that we've got serious work to do and we had better get to it.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

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Statement

Strongly Disagree -> Strongly Agree

3. When I notice a friend, family member, or colleague who is clearly fearful, I try to help them snap out of it. "Hey;' I tell them, "you're not a kid, and there are no dragons under the bed anymore!" If they pull this fear act too often, I tell them to grow up and start acting their age. In fact, it's embarrassing to me when people around me show fear.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

4. When I see someone taking pride in something minuscule, I think it's sort of stupid, like thinking that their grandkid is the only cute baby in the world or their dog's doing a trick is somehow indicative of the intellect of the owner. "Okay. Your kid's on the honor roll and is really, really gifted-and so are you. So can we get back to work now?"

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

5. When colleagues or friends are perpetually happy, I wonder what sort of drugs they are taking. These are serious times, and serious people don't get into good moods unless they are in active denial. They must not watch the news, and they certainly don't know what's going on in our organization, or they would be a bit more sober and take life more seriously Their good moods make me question their judgment and grip on reality.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

6. I really admire a couple of our senior leaders-the ones whom other people seem to despise. They are tough but fair, real Attila the Hun types, taking no prisoners. When they chew somebody out publicly, it's sort of fun to watch, because they say out loud what I think-what everybody thinks.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

RESONANCE

Statement

Strongly Disagree

->

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Strongly Agree

7. My siblings, family, and close friends know not to intrude too much on my personal feelings. I'm a loner, and I don't appreciate anybody else, no matter how close they may be, asking me about how I feel about things.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

8. I listened to a colleague give a presentation about volunteer work and public service, and he started choking up at the end when he was talking about how important it was to him. It was humiliating and embarrassing and totally unprofessional.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

9. If I see a colleague or friend get too emotional, I try to help them out by lightening up the mood and changing the subject.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

10. It hardly ever happens, but on those very rare occasions when my emotions get the better of me, I just excuse myself. I'd much rather be alone than around family, friends, or colleague when I'm emotional.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Total score: _ _ __ 10-40

You resonate with others so much that you wear your emotions on your sleeve and you support others who do the same. It is possible, however, that when you think about the term emotional intelligence, you give the first part of the term disproportionate weight compared to the latter. While sharing your emotions is fine, you need not share them with everyone and in every situation. Although you are a wonderfully empathetic person, not everyone else around you shares that gift, and you might benefit from being a bit more judicious before letting loose your next emotional outburst or encouraging a colleague to do the same. Have you noticed that you are spending a great deal of time dealing with the most intimate and personal problems of your colleagues when you needed to get a project finished? You are a thoughtful, caring soul, and the world needs people like you. But the

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world also needs people to get back to work and focus on the task at hand without becoming overwhelmed by the emotions of others. There are, unfortunately, people in the world with very destructive emotions-anger, jealousy, hate-and you are vulnerable to being sucked into their emotional vortex if your otherwise wonderful sense of empathy gets out of control. 41-70

You show balanced resonance, sharing your emotions at times and keeping them in check at other times. You are able to support your colleagues, friends, and family when they are in distress without becoming the amateur therapist in the office. While the more hardbitten and cynical colleagues in your organization turn a blind eye to the needs of others, you seem to know when it is appropriate to laugh with those who laugh and weep with those who weep. You are able to give the benefit of the doubt to those in distress without being taken advantage of by someone who uses emotional displays for the purpose of manipulation. Your equanimity allows you to coach your colleagues who are too cold and rational to be more sensitive and to help others who bring a daily dose of drama to the office to focus on the world around them. You've probably been burned a few times at both extremes, spending too much time with the melodramatic relative, friend, or colleague, but all things considered, you've decided that is a better way to live than failing to be there when people needed you.

71-100

It's almost always good to be rational-and you certainly are. It's sometimes good to be alone-and you probably are. But it's not good to be angry, sullen, cynical, distrustful, vengeful, spiteful, and full of regret-and chances are you have been all of those at some time in the past few weeks. Your world is full of people attempting to take advantage of you, manipulate you, and prey on your feelings had those feelings not long ago been securely placed in a deep freezer. Perhaps something happened-a rejection by a parent, lover, best friend, or boss-and it seems like yesterday when the words "this isn't working out" or "I'm leaving" or, perhaps worst of all, there was a sudden absence accompanied by no words at all. So you have filled in that silence with the worst possible scenario. Perhaps it is beginning to occur to you that rationality alone is not the key to happiness. Lots of people know that the square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum

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of the square of the two sides and they are right-but being right is not enough. They may also "know" about their judgments of their friends, relatives, in-laws, and colleagues, and perhaps they are right as well. But a life of unending judgment of others is ultimately a life of solitude and misery. Many people do not learn this until long after their careers and relationships have taken a downward spiral. We hope that you will work on resonance not because anyone else deserves a better opinion from you, but because you deserve to be less miserable than you are right now.

OPEN RESPONSE ASSESSMENT

Complete each of these open-ended questions, being attentive to trends and patterns that suggest reactions that are not related to a single situation but that are a reflection of your consistent personal beliefs and behaviors. l. When you are in a difficult or unpleasant situation, do you maintain your

presence, or do you either disengage and shut down or become overly aggressive for the situation?

2. What do you add to meetings or gatherings? How would others answer this question about you?

3. What makes you dissonant? What impact does it have on others when you are fearful, angry, without hope or faith?

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4. What does it take for you to pull yourself out of a dissonant funk? Once you decide to become more resonant, how long does it take you to do so?

5. How do you know when you are headed toward a dissonant state of mind? What patterns are present in the hours preceding this?

6. Who do you know who is really great to be with? Why exactly is that? What does this person do? What does he or she say? What does his or her presence do for you? Do you think differently or feel differently around this person?

7. What emotions describe your family, organization, or work team? How many would you say are positive, such as happy, optimistic, excited, creative, kind, and generous? How many would you say are negative, such as fearful, depressed, lonely, secretive, jealous, or miserly?

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8. Who in your own life would benefit from a compassionate perspective? Who empathizes with you but also has constructive input for you to think about? Who needs your compassionate perspective?

RECOGNITION

REALITY

RECIPROCITY

RESILIENCE

RESONANCE

RELATIONSHIP

RENEWAL

8

Relationship WHEN PROCESS IS PERSONAL

m i s chapter focuses on the power of relationships in renewal, ~ith a particular emphasis on the relationship between the client and the coach. Because the primary result of Renewal Coaching is the achievement not only of personal and organizational objectives but also of a greater good, the Renewal Coaching relationship is different from what many people expect. This is not an exchange of money for advice; rather, the relationship is characterized by the creation of deliberate disequilibrium, something that many clients find challenging and unusual. But successful Renewal Coaching relationships also include unprecedented support as the client realizes deeper understanding and greater levels of insight and achieves critical goals and projects.

1

When Relationships Work (1 f you're like most people, you don't have any difficultly in describ-

1

ing how your relationships could be improved at home and at work. The most simple and immediate improvements would occur if only other people would change their behavior in a way that better 175

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responds to your needs and expectations. We would be hypocritical if we didn't acknowledge the same feelings. If only my colleagues would prioritize better and get organized. If only my teenage kids would unplug the headphones and listen to me. If only my critical parents would accept me for who I am and appreciate the choices I have made. "If only" is the phrase that conveniently points the finger in every direction but toward ourselves. Perhaps there are times when you need only comfort and reassurance, along with the confident agreement that improved relationships depend on work to be done by others. In these cases, we might recommend a pet rock. It will demand little of your attention, but will probably make for a lousy relationship. Renewal Coaching helps shift the focus from changing others to transforming your own role in important relationships. Justin: "About five seconds after I wake up in the morning, I get a huge grin on my face. It takes me about that long to remember how great my life is now and how I'm about to spend the hours of my day. I just feel so alive, so optimistic. Everyone says there will be difficult times, and I know they're right-but I also know I am committed. I know this is special because I've never felt this way before. I'm in this for the long haul. I'm not talking about finally finding the love of my life. I'm talking about starting my own architectural company-a small office of designers who create environmentally friendly living spaces. We are going to make a difference in this world:' Sharla: "I've built this great company and know that my work has created opportunities for lots of people to buy homes and start families, but what really gives me satisfaction is when my fourteen-year-old kid will just have a one-to-one dinner with his mom and talk with me about what's going on in his life. So I'm living the great American dream and a magazine calls me

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a bona-fide entrepreneurial success story, but the relationship I value most is with a teenager who, if he is close to being normal, doesn't have a clue how wonderful his mom really is. That's okay. I know I'm making a difference in something that matters." Pat: "It has been ten years since my wife has been gone, and the gaping hole in my life cannot be replaced. But I know myself well enough to understand that I need relationships to find meaning, and I don't want to spend a lot of time surfing the internet to find another soulmate. I had that. But each Friday morning when I meet with Ella, James, and Cody, kids I'm helping to coach in school, I know that I'm helping them in ways-actually, I'm helping myself in ways-that I could never achieve in any other setting. It's neither possible nor healthy to attempt to replace what I have lost, but it is clearly possible and exceptionally healthy for me to extend myself to others who need me. It's strange that these very satisfying relationships are ones from which I expect nothing in return, because if I'm successful, these kids will graduate and leave this school and me far behind. That's not a cause for loneliness, but for celebration:' So much for Mars and Venus. So much for hunters and gatherers. So much for all the pop psychology about relationships at home and at work. What Justin, Sharla, and Pat have in common is a deep understanding that relationships in life and in work are defined by what we offer to others, not by what they do for us. If we have learned anything in our research for this book, it is that renewal depends not on some mystical source within the individual, but rather on the decision of people, client and coach alike, to move beyond themselves and find renewal in their service to a greater good. Greater good is a term that we have struggled with. Is it too New Age? Will it alienate readers? Is it based in research, or only validated by incessant

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repetition by true believers? Fortunately, there is an objective answer to this quandary, and it is not a close call. The key to sustainable change at the individual and organizational level lies with a combination of meaningful relationships (Deutschman, 2007) and a commitment to external values (Fink & Hargreaves, 2006; Reeves, 2009). Because Renewal Coaching focuses on the greater good, which transcends the singular needs of the individual to have a positive impact on others, it draws on the research of what we know about love relationships. Sternberg (1987) suggests that great personal relationships have an equal balance of passion, intimacy, and commitment. Love poems through the ages speak of passion as an urgent desire to be with a person, to spend every waking moment in the company of this person because of how extraordinary it feels to be in his or her presence. Passion moves to intimacy when lovers disclose themselves and their deepest, truest desires not just physically but also emotionally and spiritually. Intimacy stabilizes passion and can even stoke the flames. Intimacy adds friendship, caring, and concern to a relationship. This differentiates it from "passion-only" relationships where physical chemistry is strong but little else draws the two people together. Intimacy is compromised when lovers share private conversations, personal information, or thoughts about each other with people outside the relationship. Lovers become committed when they exclusively choose each other over all others and make all decisions from that moment forward in favor of nurturing the relationship. According to Brenda Shoshanna (1999), commitment arises inevitably when the relationship is based on truth and when neither party is in the relationship out of a sense of obligation or guilt or to maintain a false sense of self-esteem. Just as passion, intimacy, and commitment are necessary to establish and sustain love, so too do they draw people and organizations toward renewal. In the context of Renewal Coaching, relationships

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operate on two levels. One is the obvious relationship between the coach and client. The second is less obvious but more essential: the relationship clients establish with the work itself. As if achieving a greater good wasn't great enough, wouldn't it also be wonderful if clients of renewal coaches could say they love their work-were passionate about it and committed to going the long haul? Wouldn't coaches be delighted if their clients reported loving the coaching process and what they were able to achieve? Wouldn't clients feel unconditionally supported if they knew coaches cared about what mattered to them and were committed to their success?

Assessing Relationship aioroscopes and magazines, particularly those that have aliens

J 1 and celebrities (sometimes in the same picture) on the cover, may appear to have a corner on the assessment market. We offer a more nuanced alternative, with the open-ended Relationship Assessment, at the end of the chapter, based on your own experiences and observations as a coach or as a client. As you proceed through the Renewal Coaching process, your experiences may change, and therefore it may be useful for you to take this assessment more than once in the months and years ahead.

Relationship and the Renewal Coaching Framework (J n their book

Loneliness: Human nature and the need for social connection (2008), John Cacioppo and William Patrick write about the impact of prolonged loneliness on individuals and society. They found that loneliness can compromise a person's health

1

as much as obesity or smoking can. On the flip side, they suggest

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that connections with other people contribute to our ability to think, exert willpower, persevere during tough times, and regulate emotions. Considering that the majority of Renewal Coaching clients are leaders in stressful businesses, governmental organizations, or nonprofit institutions, the cliche that "it's lonely at the top" takes on new and important meaning in the light of what we understand about the importance of connections and relationships. Because they promote resilience in the face of setbacks, relationships are essential to the process of renewal. Dependable relationships give us courage and confidence to move forward when we would rather stay in bed and cover our head with the blankets. The coaching relationship provides a time and format specifically designated for clients to think through challenges and conundrums. For some clients, their coach may represent the one person in the world with whom they can honestly do this. Their coach may be the one person who will accept them at their worst.

Why Relationship Is Important for the Coach Clle's first coach, Paul Axtell, always told her that "every relation~ ship is just a series of conversations:' If ever a relationship could be characterized solely by a series of conversations, then the coaching relationship is it. Paul also told Elle that great coaches "treat every conversation as if it matters:' Renewal coaches create powerful relationships with their clients to create a container, if you will allow the metaphor, that can hold a full range of coaching interventions from basic listening to the toughest conversations that occur when confronting a client on unhelpful habits and behaviors. The more that coaches dare to support their clients to the fullest extent possible, the stronger the relationship must be. Less intimate, less powerful, less

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robust relationships would not stand up to the rigorous coaching it takes for one human being to skillfully support another human being toward accomplishing a greater good.

If ever a relationship could be characterized solely by a

series of conversations, then the coaching relationship is it.

Why Relationship Is Important for the Client

C

lients who choose to be coached (instead of having coaching thrust on them, for example, by a boss who thinks they need it) are frequently insistent on accomplishing something that matters. They may even interview several possible coaches in order to find the one who is a good fit for them-someone with whom they can relate and who has a track record of effectively helping clients achieve their goals. Because they understand that the importance of the coaching relationship is crucial to their inevitable success, these clients want to be coached by someone who will support them, question them when data do not add up to support their positions, and hold them accountable for commitments they make to themselves and others. They perceive that the quality of the relationship they create with their coach will determine in large part how they will experience the events that will take them from where they are now to where they want to be. People who have had great coaching experiences learn about how great relationships work, and they tend to replicate what they have learned in their own personal and work relationships. Thus, we see elements of reciprocity and resonance coming into play within the concept of relationship.

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How Relationship Is Used in the Real World

C ocial scientist John Gottman is an expert of relationships-speU cifically on what predictably leads to the inevitable demise of relationships. At his "love lab" in Washington State, Gottman and his colleagues study hours of videotaped footage of couples engaged in conversations about something contentious between them. Hooked up to electrodes and sensors that record heart rate and nerv~us shifting in their seats and subjected to a coding system where every word they utter and every facial expression they make is analyzed, these couples reveal in about fifteen minutes enough information for Gottman and his colleagues to predict whether they will still be together fifteen years later. Gottman concluded that contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, and criticism are the greatest predictors of divorce in married couples, with contempt being the most devastating of all. Gottman says that contempt is much like disgust, and it causes surprising damage when someone who supposedly loves us expresses it. In fact, contempt is so devastating and stressful to people on the receiving end that their immune systems are compromised and they experience more colds than the person who is the source of contempt (Gladwell, 2005). The quality of our relationships can diminish or elevate us depending on the significance of the relationships in our lives. When someone we do not hold in high regard calls us fat or stupid, we may feel a sting for a while, but we are less likely to absorb this person's contempt into the way we think about ourselves. The same words uttered by a spouse, however, can diminish our image of ourselves and cause us to doubt our capability and worthiness. Given the reality that almost every person has more than one serious romantic or marital relationship and seven or more work relationships, coaches can assume that almost every client is functioning

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with negative messages from a spouse, lover, or employer. If the coaching relationship is to be one in which clients are moved to bring out their best selves as they achieve their greatest goals, then it should be conducted without criticism, judgment, and contempt. Renewal coaches stay alert for indicators that their client may be bearing the weight of contempt and ridicule. They should never assume that their successful and powerful clients are feeling confident and capable 100 percent of the time. Listening is the most powerful tool a coach has, not only to pick up on how capable clients feel about their ability to achieve their goals but also to convey respect, caring, and compassion. Renewal coaching is not the cure-all antidote to the troubles that ail individuals and society. However, it does leverage what we know about what powerful connections and relationships between people make them capable of being and doing.

What to Do When Relationships Are Stuck f71lexandra dated a fellow who one day told her, "You are a loser in life." We wish we could say we are making this up, but we are not. As contemptuous a remark as this is, the worst thing about it is that Alex didn't break up with this jerk (a technical psychological term) immediately, toss her glass of wine in his face, and dash out of the restaurant just as they do in movies. Alex was, above all, resilient, and the remark, however hurtful, motivated her to pursue her dreams with greater vigor so as not to succumb to the weight of the negative spirit behind these words. Perhaps Alexandra's companion thought he was simply providing honest feedback, a misapprehension shared by an unfortunately large group of people, including well-meaning friends, spouses, parents, supervisors, and, we regret to confess, coaches. Although bold feedback, followed by support,

v'J..

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can be a powerful intervention for clients who are stalled on the road to achieving their goals, it is a risky strategy that risks alienation in pursuit of change.

DISEQUILIBRIUM WITH SUPPORT

Great coaches know how to really listen to their clients. To listen means to listen with nothing added, nothing changed, and nothing resisted. It is as if these great coaches are sitting in a window seat on a train, absorbing the details of the passing view. They do this primarily to learn what is happening and what is real from the client's perspective, within the context of the client's world. They also listen in order to banish any assumptions they may hold about what their clients think and feel about what they are going through. After listening, coaches begin to ask probing questions that demand greater detail, specificity, and clarification. After they listen, absorb, and understand, all coaches reach a point in the conversation where they must put their thoughts in the form of words on the table. This does not mean that now, after all that listening, coaches tell clients what to do (we call that consulting). Instead, this stage in the conversation allows space for the coach to voice a theory about what is happening or ask deeper, open-ended questions that mediate thinking for the client instead of simpler closed-ended questions that seek details, specificity, or clarification. This makes disequilibrium a useful tool within the coaching relationship. Very often, however, these mediating cognitive and emotional comments and questions create dissonance for the client that can be irritating to clients because it causes them to rethink something they thought they had figured out and already crossed off their list of worries. In order to promote the coaching relationship and use it to move clients toward their goals, support must always accompany disequilibrium.

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When used in the coaching relationship, disequilibrium followed by support is a powerful and effective intervention. Not only can it help a client break through a conundrum or make a tough decision but it also serves to strengthen the relationship between client and coach. It does this by expanding the boundaries of trust, just as it would in a personal relationship when lovers speak up and voice their unique and different perspective with the singular intent to illuminate the situation so that the way forward becomes clear. No one storms off, becomes defensive, shuts down, or resorts to criticism and contempt. During this phase of the conversation, clients have the experience of being pushed and even opposed by their coach. But it feels acceptable because it occurs within the context of friendship, where the intent of the coach is to help clients clear the path ahead so they can achieve their goals. Here are two examples of disequilibrium with support. Notice they begin with a comment that is an observation or a theory and then end with a mediating question: • "You said you are ready to move forward with the department marketing plan even though you have not received feedback from HR. Looking short term and long term, what do you gain by doing this? What could you be compromising in the future?" • "You've told me that you need to participate in your state and national organizations if you want to become known as an expert in your field. But every time you carve out time to work on a writing assignment, something else comes up and you put out the fire. This makes me wonder if you are unclear about what you really want or if something else is going on. What do you think about that?" Clients who want a coaching intervention to help them reach a lofty goal face all sorts of antagonistic forces along the way. There will

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be people who don't like their ideas, don't understand them, or simply don't want to change. These clients need coaches who are willing to deepen the relationship by creating enough disequilibrium so as to challenge assumptions and unpeel deeper layers of thinking, while also conveying commitment. Disequilibrium with support does this.

"I

SEE

You"

In The Fifth Discipline Fieldbook (1994), Peter Senge writes about the tribes of northern Natal in South Africa. He tells us that the most common greeting is sawu bona, which literally translates as "I see you:' to which the response is sikhona, which translates to «I am here:' Senge says, «The order of the exchange is important: until you see me, I do not exist. It's as if, when you see me, you bring me into existence" (p. 3). What is it about some people? Those who are afraid to compliment, reward, recognize, or even celebrate the accomplishments of others? Do they think the good things in life are finite and scarce and therefore feel afraid they won't get their share if they acknowledge others? Do they think the other person will get a big head if they hear too much positive feedback and therefore will not work as hard in the future? Renewal coaches keenly understand that the world some of their clients live in is weighted down by negativity and toxic emotions, bereft of positive and specific feedback for what they are doing right. These coaches mindfully reflect the greatness they see in their clients back to them. In essence they say, «I see you, and I want you to see yourself the way I do." Renewal coaches keenly understand that the world some of their clients live in is weighted down by negativity and toxic emotions.

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Renewal coaches are deliberately generous with words and actions that acknowledge specific actions their clients have taken to make improvements in their lives and work. This is not gratuitous flattery. It is sincere and honest feedback about what clients have done to create the great outcomes they are experiencing. When coaches see clients in this way, they make them aware of just how efficacious they are. At the same time, renewal coaches maintain a sense of reality about every situation. If something goes wrong, they don't pretend it hasn't. But they view mistakes as opportunities to grow. Not surprisingly, people who are wise also view mistakes this way. As a result "they have a way of celebrating even the missteps. When they shine this light on the other, the resulting feeling is like a blessing" (Allison, 2007). Physician Rachel Naomi Remen instructs that when you bless someone, you expand them, offering them a place of refuge from everything that conspires to diminish them. To employ the "I see you" technique and strengthen the coaching relationship on the way to renewal, coaches should consider these ideas: • Make it your business to notice and tell clients what they specifically did to make a situation turn out well. Provide data when they are available: "For the last six months, you preserved the one hour per week that you set aside to write for your professional journals. Now you have an article accepted!" • Share with your clients how the actions they have taken and decisions they have made remind you of the best and brightest role models in their field: "When you confronted that difficult situation with honesty and kindness, I was reminded of so and so, who leads one of the most successful businesses in this region:'

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• Coach your clients to schedule celebrations directly into their coaching project action plans. Help them identify with whom they want to celebrate and how they will name the celebration. For example, clients can have a lunch celebration with their team and the invitation can say, "In honor of our recordbreaking client communication." Or they can celebrate with a partner: "Dinner tonight, darling, to celebrate the completion of that grant I've been working on every night for the past two weeks!" • Make a point to end every coaching conversation with recognition of an action or decision that moved the client closer to their goal.

From Relationship to Renewal

P

ersistence pays, and your willingness to struggle with the challenges of relationship has a profound reward: the final stage of the framework, renewal. The good news is that renewal is a stage of energy, excitement, engagement, and rejuvenation. The less good news is that this is a cycle, and ultimately the most successful renewal coaches and clients will not stop at this stage but will return to seek recognition and thereby repeat the Renewal Coaching cycle. Take heart, however. You will meet seekers who have been through this journey many times, and with each successive passage, they have learned from the process of renewal. Relationships are not abandoned, but made stronger. The best part of the journey lies ahead.

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RELATIONSHIP ASSESSMENT For a computerized administration of this assessment, log on to www.ChangeLeaders .com, click on Renewal Coaching, and then select Assessment. Date: Stage of Renewal Coaching • Not started • In progress-3 months • In progress-6 months • In progress-9 months • In progress-12 or more months Instructions: Respond to each of the following statements quickly, providing your first impulse as the answer. A response of 10 is the strongest possible agreement, and 1 is the strongest possible disagreement. There are no correct answers. However, the assessment will be most useful to you if you provide the most authentic response, and that is likely to be the first response that comes to mind. Statement

Strongly Disagree

->

Strongly Agree

1. I have at least one close personal relationship where it is safe to be who I am, without any acting or pretending.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

2. In my professional life, I have at least one relationship in which I can accept negative feedback without any threat to the relationship.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

3. I can be very hurt by or disappointed with someone close to me, forgive him or her, and still maintain a close relationship.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

4. When I hear other people speak with contempt about someone close to them, it makes me very uncomfortable.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

5. When I feel like a failure, I know someone I can talk with about this who will not judge me as a failure.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

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Statement

Strongly Disagree

-->

Strongly Agree

6. I can recall a conversation within the past couple of weeks in which I simply listened to the other person without interruption.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

7. My closest colleagues at work know that they can occasionally blow off steam with me and that I will forgive them, even if they are a little bit out of control.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

8. Some of my closet relationships are with people who give me candid advice, even when their candor hurts a little bit.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

9. I can almost always think of something encouraging and nice to say to other people.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

10. I have personally expressed gratitude to a person close to me at least once in the past week.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Total score: _ _ __

10-40

You claim to embrace a rugged individualism, but the reality is that yours is a sad, lonely, and difficult life. People are stupid and corrupt, and they disappoint you at every turn. Sometimes you'd like to confide in someone, but if you took that risk, your spouse or lover would leave you, your friends would make fun of you, and your colleagues at work would use it against you. So you never risk being authentic. When you watch movies in which the heroic rugged individualist blows away the vile enemy, you get an emotional rush that flesh and blood humans have never provided for you. Because both the Terminator and Bat Girl are otherwise engaged, you are very likely to leave the theater alone.

41-70

You are nobody's fool. Several times you have given friends and colleagues the benefit of the doubt, and you've been burned. You tried to be supportive, accepting, and nonjudgmental, but it's tiresome after a while. It feels as if you're the only one doing the work in these relationships, and it's just not fair that you bear the burden

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of sustaining them. When it comes to new relationships at work and in your personal life, you're really on the fence. Perhaps you will give people the benefit of the doubt and listen to them, accept them, and appreciate them. Perhaps. But if you hit the wall again with their disappointment, disloyalty, and disrespect, then you're ready to smack them down, at least verbally, and cut them off emotionally. 71-100

You may not have a great many friends, but you are very fortunate to have a few people in your personal and professional life who are true friends. You can confide in them and they in you. You attract these people because you too are a true friend, giving time, acceptance, and gratitude to others. If you scored in the 90s, then you are living by the Platinum Rule, giving more to others than you expect them to give to you.

OPEN RESPONSE ASSESSMENT

Complete each of these open-ended questions, being attentive to trends and patterns that suggest reactions that are not related to a single situation but that are a reflection of your consistent personal beliefs and behaviors.

1. Think about the ten most important people in your life. How often do you initiate resonant interactions with them?

2. What do you have to give to others? Do you have expertise and knowledge about something that someone else needs? Who needs your talents?

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3. Who needs you to listen to them as they process something important or troublesome in their life or work? What do you wish someone would listen to you about?

4. What do you need to learn or have that would allow you to accomplish something that matters? Who can you ask for help with this?

5. Whom do you need to thank for what they have given you or taught to you or shown to you through their example? Thank five people every day, and when you do, tell them specifically what you are grateful for: "When you showed me how you set up the time line for that project, I had a breakthrough on the project I am working on. Thank you for sharing your expertise with me."

6. Have you lost important relationships in your life with a colleague or family member? How did it happen? And have you repaired an important relationship in your life? What actions did you take to do this?

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7. What do you love about the work you do? What specifically do you love about the tasks, the processes, and the relationships involved in your work?

8. Who inspires you? Whom do you inspire? Who would love for you to notice him or her and what would that allow this person to do? How would he or she think differently about themselves?

9. How diligent are you at meeting your obligations and commitment to others? Do you follow through on promises? Do others consider you trustworthy? Can you be counted on?

10. Who loves you, and whom do you love? What does this tell you about yourself? Try to describe in words what you mean to others. Now try to describe in words what others mean to you. What does the difference between these two descriptions suggest to you about your relationships?

RECOGNITION

REALITY

RECIPROCITY

RESILIENCE

RESONANCE

RELATIONSHIP

RENEWAL

9

Renewal CREATING ENERGY, MEANING, AND FREEDOM TO SUSTAIN THE JOURNEY

(J) enewal is not a task to be checked off at the end of this pro.1. \..,cess, but

the result of personal and organizational energy that serves the greater good. In this chapter, we explore both the signs that renewal is necessary and personal and organizational opportunities for renewal. When an organization achieves renewal, the level of energy for individuals and teams is exceptionally high. When leaders within the organization achieve renewal, the contagious energy among colleagues affects not only team productivity but the personal, family, and collegial relationships of everyone within the sphere of influence of those leaders.

What Is Renewal?

CD enewal is energy that generates passionate action. It is the 1

~esult of the transformation of adversity into opportunity.

You renew when you plug back in to your personal source of meaning and hope. For many people, renewal is essentially a spiritual

195

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experience-one that brings them back to their basic goodness and the meaning of their very existence on the planet. Renewal is not easy, but it is effortless in that it requires surrender. It asks you to stop all the "doing" for a while and come back and rest with the essence of what led you to this moment in your life. Adversity is painful, but it makes renewal possible. To the person who wants to live a life of meaning, adversity makes renewal necessary. The bad news is that we all experience adversity. The good news is the same: we all experience adversity. This means that all of us are candidates for renewal and a profoundly meaningful life.

Sometimes renewal after adversity simply serves to get you back to where you were. It gets you back on track and allows you to resume your life. A biological example is when you get the flu bug and feel very sick. The adversity brought on by the bug leaves you no choice but to take some time out to get better. You sleep, drink fluids, and eat light foods that are easy on the stomach. After a while, you feel better. You get out of bed, take a shower, brush your teeth, put on fresh clothes, and voila! You're back to your old self, refreshed and renewed and ready to resume your life. But as we saw in the story of Bud Welch, some adversity is so profound that renewal is not easy or intuitive. In fact, grave adversity without renewal is depleting and even dangerous. If Bud had not seen Timothy McVeigh's father on television, who knows how much longer he would have gone on in despair or if he ever would have come out of it? But when renewal does occur, it will be transformative. You will resume your life with a changed perspective and a sharper focus about what really matters. This is how renewal, the transformation of adversity into opportunity, leads to a greater good and ultimately to wisdom.

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The Paradox of the Root of High Places (J t has been said that personal renewal can be found in the root

1

of high places. This means that renewal is found when a person returns to the humblest source of whatever gives the greatest inspiration. At first glance, this idea may appear contradictory. After you let it sink in, however, it begins to make sense. Consider the somewhat cliched example of brilliant heart surgeons who became doctors because they wanted to improve the quality of life for others. They began their careers with optimism and energy, and they felt joy seeing exactly how their knowledge and skill help people. They believed they were making a difference. But over time, they became worn out by hospital bureaucracy, paperwork required by insurance companies, and the cutthroat politics of the hospital culture. To top it off, they are bitter about the long workdays and the time it takes them away from their families. They have become tired, uninspired, and perpetually cranky toward everyone around them. They feel stuck in a job they no longer feel called to do. If they don't soon plug back into the fundamental commitment they once held that drove them to want to make a difference for others, they will either quit or, more likely, will keep working but hate going to work each day. Patsy Boverie and Michael Kroth call these passionless workers "the living dead" (2001, p. 56). These pathetic creatures started out feeling passionate about their work and life but never renewed the feeling through learning, changing, and transforming their perspectives. Eventually passion is extinguished altogether, and they settle for a bleak existence.

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Assessing Renewal

T

he Renewal Assessment at the end of this chapter is not your final examination, but an opportunity to synthesize what you have learned and notice your progress along a continuum toward renewal. We know the concept of renewal not as a destination but as a point on the horizon toward which we continue to aim on a daily basis.

Renewal as Part of the Framework

CD enewal is the goal of Renewal Coaching. It gives individuals .1. ~nd organizations the energy to sustain focus and passion over the long haul, which is what it takes to go way beyond the usual to-do list and change the world. Every element of the Renewal Coaching framework up to this point has combined in powerful ways to lead to this moment.

Renewal gives individuals and organizations the energy to sustain focus and passion over the long haul.

In Chapter Three, you learned the importance of recognizing patterns of happiness as indicators of what renews you-of what connects you to your source of inspiration. You also learned to recognize destructive patterns that rob you of energy and therefore need to be altered or eliminated. In Chapter Four, we confronted the change and how to recognize what is most important to focus on as you move from the current reality to a better place. In Chapter Five we explored the nature of reciprocity in the coaching relationship and the promises and commitments the coach and client make

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to themselves and each other to use Renewal Coaching as a powerful strategy for breakthrough living. Chapter Six presented resilience and offered specific strategies for renewal coaches and their clients to strengthen resilience during times of change. In Chapter Seven we looked at the concept of resonance and came to understand that renewal coaches mindfully create resonance over dissonance in their clients. Resonance creates the type of cultures that inspire individuals and organizations toward their best. Chapter Eight established that renewal toward a greater good always depends on relationships. We saw that the relationships between coaches and their clients matter. Renewal, the topic of this chapter, is the pinnacle of the Renewal Coaching process. Transformative renewal-renewal that comes when you transform adversity into energy-is what is needed for individuals and organizations to achieve a greater good.

Why Is Renewal Important to the Client?

C yndicated columnist Sydney J. Harris once said, "When I hear U somebody sigh, 'Life is hard; I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'" Renewal is important to clients and organizations because it is the only thing that will sustain them as they accomplish what really matters. Renewal will bring you back to the spine of your life story. It nudges your perspective about the challenges you face in your life. Instead of responding to adversity as a victim, helpless to the worst it drags to your doorstep, renewal keeps you flexible and allows you to absorb the best that comes from each challenge you face. When you learn something new, you open a portal to renewal. When you see a difficult situation through another person's perspective, you renew. When you sit still in the midst of busyness all around you and mindfully resonate hope and compassion, you renew.

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Clients and organizations that make a habit of reflecting on the lessons learned from adverse situations usually cannot wait to have another opportunity to make it work out. They make different mistakes, but they are unlikely to repeat the same ones they already made. They come to the situation with a new approach and are excited to see how it works. This is renewal.

Why Is Renewal Important to the Coach?

C

ompassion is empathy with action (Chodron, 1994). It is a constructive response to a person in the throes of change and transformation. Coaching is a visible form of what is possible when one human being understands and empathizes with the challenges facing another human being and offers tangible methods for helping the other respond. The rituals and processes that make coaching what it is-everything from having a coaching agreement to using effective communication tools, to rigorous use of an action plan with accountability-elevate it from being simply an empathic conversation to a powerful life strategy. Compassion prevents coaching from devolving into codependent relationships where coaches take on the pain their clients experience as they navigate their way to renewal and a greater good. In order to work with compassion, coaches must tend to their own renewal process and have a game plan for doing so. As with their clients, the source of renewal for coaches comes from that which reminds them of their purpose: the greater good they can create in the world by coaching others toward achieving their dearest goals.

When You Are Stuck Pursuing Renewal

y

ou are not alone if the path to renewal eludes you at times. Renewal comes only after loss and depletion, so the path is

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a difficult one indeed, and once in a while, we'd like to be airlifted out of the wilderness and dropped directly in a room at the nearest Ritz-Carlton, all expenses paid. Perna Chodron observes that most of us want quick relief from the pain that makes renewal so necessary. Our intolerance for uncomfortable feelings, like those associated with change, make us either want to bailout or lash out at those we decide are responsible for our suffering. Chodron advises us instead, to breath deeply and realize that our predicament connects us to all of humanity and points the way to what we can do not just for ourselves, but for others. When we do this, our own personal greater good begins to take shape and suddenly, we know exactly what to do.

CREATE SPACE AND TIME FOR PERSONAL RENEWAL EVERY DAY

We are both runners (or as Doug likes to say, "sloggers," which is a simultaneous combination of slouching and jogging, often for six miles or more-not a pretty sight). As he runs, Doug listens to audio books, which provoke new thoughts for him about whatever it is that he is working on. He can hardly wait to get back to his office and make explicit connections to his work. Elle rarely remembers to bring her iPod with her when she runs, but alone with her thoughts, she always has breakthrough moments of insight. These insights sometimes come to her so swiftly that she calls her own cell phone while she runs and yells what would seem to anyone else to be bizarre words into her voice answering system so she can listen to it when she gets home and be reminded of the connections she made. The same thing happens to Doug when he goes to the church where he can play the magnificent pipe organ. Elle gains renewal when she cycles up a mountainous road or plays with her dog in the ocean.

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==~=~ ~=~~ --~~-

~

While these renewing events may seem insignificant time wasters when you are facing a deadline, they can be lightning rods for renewal. If you want to be renewed over the long haul and want to sustain your energy to accomplish the greater good for which you have been called, then you must create renewing joy and happiness for yourself every day.

GIVE

Up

Renewal creates energy, but to get that energy, you first have to quit moving around so much, quit trying to force your life to go the way you want it to. Once you are at rest, the essential source of inspiration for you will find its way back into your heart and mind, and when you are ready, you will know what to do to continue the journey you are on. Humility will allow you to give up the struggle when it is time to do so. You know that it is time to plug into your personal source of renewal when you become aware that you are about to be swamped with negative patterns of emotions and behaviors (think of the heart surgeons described at the start of this chapter). Renewal coaches watch for indicators of this in their clients and ask them questions and make observations that bring this to their attention. Coaches can then bring their clients back to any of the previous stages of the Renewal Coaching process. One client may need to focus on resiliency, while another may need to focus on resonance. Others may realize they've neglected daily personal renewal.

STARE BACK AT DESTRUCTIVE EMOTIONS

Everyone feels fear, anger, jealousy, or other unhelpful emotions once in a while. But when they cause you to think small, become manipulative, use others without giving back, and reduce the infinite

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possibilities of life, they rob you of access to renewal and must be dealt with. Daniel Goleman (2004) recounts a strategy for dealing with destructive emotions that Buddhist monk and author Matthieu Ricard calls "staring back." Ricard explains that when thoughts associated with these destructive emotions begin, they usually spawn another thought and then another, until "our mental landscape becomes invaded by thoughts that solidify our anger or jealousyand then it's too late. Just as when a spark of fire has set a whole forest on fire, we are in trouble" (p. 214). Staring back means that we first register the fact that we are having the thought, and then we look back rather objectively at its origins and take it down a peg or two with reason. As you learn to recognize these thoughts when they arise, you become facile at interrupting the proliferations of negative thought patterns that could swamp you.

RETURN TO THE SOURCE

It is impossible to use up your source of renewal. Yes, you can neglect it, deny it, and disengage from it, but if you intend to live a life of meaning, you must return to it. The source of renewal for each of us is infinite, and it is always new. No matter how your title changes, no matter where you go, no matter what new projects you take on to make a difference through the life you lead, the source of our renewal is always there for you.

The source of renewal for each of us is infinite, and it is always new.

Mentoring is one of the best methods for reconnecting with your source of renewal. There is something awe inspiring about ushering a

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novice into his or her chosen passion-whether assuming an important position in a dynamic company, taking up a new hobby or sport, adopting a pet from the humane society, or becoming a first-time parent: they exude a palpable energy. Because of the powers of resonance, you cannot resist the effect of the emotional aura surrounding these people. Through mentoring, you reconnect with what it felt like for you to feel that kind of passion and clarity.

Renewal Coaching as a Profession (1

A Je now proceed from

the sublime to the mundane. Great ideas deserve practical application and practicality is, unfortunately, alien to some people who have great ideas. We seek in this book to provide a balance. Renewal Coaching will change the world-your world-only if you have clients, pay the rent, and manage your professional practice in such a way that your coaching practice is sustainable. Therefore, we devote the final part of this book to the practical elements of creating and sustaining the business of coaching. If you are independently wealthy and can pursue this subject as a hobby, your reading is done. But if you must combine your passion with your profession, then the final chapters may offer some insights that are beneficial for you and for your clients.

- VV

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205

RENEWAL ASSESSMENT For a computerized administration of this assessment, log on to www.ChangeLeaders .com, click on Renewal Coaching, and then select Assessment. Date: Stage of Renewal Coaching • Not started • In progress-3 months • In progress-6 months • In progress-9 months • In progress-12 or more months

Instructions: Respond to each of the following statements quickly, providing your first impulse as the answer. A response of 10 is the strongest possible agreement, and 1 is the strongest possible disagreement. There are no correct answers. However, the assessment will be most useful to you if you provide the most authentic response, and that is likely to be the first response that comes to mind. Statement

1. Even if I'm meeting my usual goals and being

Strongly Disagree

--+

Strongly Agree

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

very efficient on my job, I'm not completely fulfilled unless I am achieving a higher purpose serving the greater good. 2. I can think of several times when, after undergoing adversity, I'm actually better off after the adversity than I was before it.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

3. I can identify very specifically the source of my greatest inspiration.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

4. When I need physical renewal, I know of specific and consistent activities and routines that will be helpful for me.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

5. I am very aware of when I need renewal and I know the warning signs that suggest to me that I need support and renewal.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

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Strongly Disagree

Statement

-->

Strongly Agree

6. I am able to reflect on my past and think about mistakes I have made without being obsessed and overwhelmed by them. I know my "lessons learned" and can apply them to my daily life.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

7. I have forgiven myself for my past mistakes.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

8. When I need emotional renewal, I know of people and practices that help me gain renewal.

1 234 5 6 7 8 9 10

9. I have forgiven others, even those who have hurt me very deeply.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

10. I can think of a specific example when I have helped to provide renewal to a colleague or a loved one within the past week.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Total score: _ _ __ lO-40

You are so emotionally and physically exhausted it's amazing that you have the energy to read this-but because you also can't get a decent night's sleep, perhaps you hope that this book will help cure your insomnia. The physical, emotional, and mental challenges all run together. Your sleep disruption might be related to your eating habits, alternatively too much and too little food. When you feel either famished or stuffed, then physical renewal-or for that matter even a walk around the block-can feel like an insurmountable challenge. Most of all, you are very alone. You can be in a crowd in Times Square, among family and friends who care about you, or lying on your couch into the tenth hour of a television and ice cream marathon-it doesn't matter. It's all the same feeling of isolation and despair. You've made some mistakes-some real whoppers, in fact. But the punishment you have already received from others for those mistakes is never enough, so you continue to berate yourself, accuse yourself, and administer punishment that far outweighs the crime. Although you know, on an intellectual level, how irrational this is, you can't seem to shake it. Whatever your accomplishments and successes, the liabilities always

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outweigh the assets on your emotional balance sheet, leaving you in a chronic state of psychological deficit. You need a break-in every sense of the word-and the sooner you make the break from this landscape of disease, the sooner you will begin the road to renewal. 41-70

Although you occasionally find new energy, it sometimes feels as if you are treading water in the middle of a vast ocean and there isn't much for you to hang on to when the waves crash around you. Perhaps the most disconcerting statement that others make is the claim that "you've got it all" when they refer to your successes at work or your apparently happy personal life. But there are days when the successes on which other people focus offer little or no fulfillment. Promotions and raises come and go and you accept congratulations with little real enthusiasm. When your friends and colleagues express envy of you, you are thinking, "If you only knew how little this means to me;' There are exceptions, of course, as you consider moments of physical, emotional, and mental renewal in the past. You sometimes think about re-creating those moments, but transforming thought into action is inconsistent and distant.

71-100

You have found the sources of renewal in your life and you regularly use them. Although you can certainly be effective in your professional life and you are capable of maintaining and sustaining meaningful personal relationships, you find true meaning in service and a contribution to the greater good. You are not superhuman, but you seem to have a level of calm and equanimity that allows you to keep your cool when other people around you are panicking. You have faced disappointment and loss, and you endure not through blind stoicism but through renewal. When your body and spirit is down, you show the wisdom to stop, rest, and restore yourself, meeting your mental, physical, and spiritual needs. As successful as you are, you are the first to acknowledge that you have not achieved this success alone. You are regularly aware of the role that other people-today and in historyhave played in your success. Though you rarely claim credit for it, your personal example serves as sources of renewal for other people.

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OPEN RESPONSE ASSESSMENT Complete each of these open-ended questions, being attentive to trends and patterns that suggest reactions that are not related to a single situation but are a reflection of your consistent personal beliefs and behaviors.

1. What do you have a second chance at right now in your life? Something that has previously been hard for you but that you can choose right this moment to look at through the lens of possibility?

2. What have you been resisting? Is there a problem or reality you did not expect and do not desire but that you have to respond to nevertheless? What would it take for you to respond to it as a welcomed opportunity instead of a problem to solve?

3. What do you need to do for yourself each day in order to feel energized? For one week, record in a journal what you did to renew each day and what that allowed you to accomplish or feel about what you do in your work or with your family.

4. What do you need to do for others in your work and family in order to feel energized? What does this allow them to accomplish? What does giving of yourself this way allow them to accomplish?

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5. What are your boundless, most idealistic dreams for what you wish to do for others and the world? What is your legacy?

6. Have you taken remarkable actions in your life already that others would say have created something good for others? What did it take for you to do that?

7. What are you so passionate about that you wake up in the morning thinking about it and can't wait to get out of bed?

8. What has happened in your life that at the time seemed like the worst possible thing that could have happened but now you would say is one of the best things you went through because of what happened afterward? What did happen afterward?

9. What has this "worst possible thing" allowed you to do now? What were the lessons that you are grateful for?

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10. What adversity from your past are you still in pain from? Why can't you let go of it? What does hanging on to this adversity rob you of in the present? Have you been sheltering yourself from taking risks because you don't want to experience loss, pain, or adversity? What legacy are you giving up on because it feels safer to think small?

PART THREE

The Professional Coach BRINGING RENEWAL TO CLIENTS

10

The Renewal Coach

Vau have had a glimpse into a few Renewal Coaching conver~ations and the Renewal Coaching framework. But what do renewal coaches really do all day? In this chapter, we focus on practical applications of Renewal Coaching. We review a day in the life of a renewal coach and then consider specific tools for coaching, including agreements, assessments, and meetings. Because a key characteristic that distinguishes effective from ineffective coaching is action by the client, we consider the role of goals and action plans in every coaching relationship. Finally, we examine the special case of team coaching.

.1

A Day in the Life of a Renewal Coach

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aula approached her coach with a combination of excitement and, though she hoped it wasn't showing, worry. She was recently hired as a senior manager in the marketing department of a major pharmaceutical company. Her supervisor, the firm's vice president for business development, is holding Paula directly responsible for developing and implementing marketing strategies for several 213

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drugs that are completing the long process of testing and regulatory approval. This is a career-making (or breaking) opportunity, as these drugs have the potential to become blockbusters with multibilliondollar revenue potential over several years. With opportunity, however, comes risk. The vice president cited several historical examples where the company had invested millions of dollars in marketing, but nevertheless had failed to gain an early niche because of gaps in culture, process, structure, and communication between the research and development and the marketing departments. As a result of these previous misfires, several people in the company, including Paula's predecessor, had lost their jobs and others were exiled to corporate Siberia. In their first meeting, Paula explained to her coach that morale was low and both sides, R&D and marketing, lacked trust in the other. In fact, mistrust seemed to Paula to be at epidemic levels throughout the organization, with hidden agendas the norm. "Never let them see you sweat:' was the unofficial corporate motto, which became a euphemism for, "Never report news the boss doesn't want to hear" and "Never ever admit that you don't have all the answers. That's what we're paying you the big bucks for:' As Paula interviewed three prospective coaches, the issue of trust was foremost on her mind. There was a lengthy list of undiscussables in this company, and Paula needed at least one person with whom she could have a completely candid conversation. Marie seemed to fit the bill from a list provided to her by the director of human resources. Marie had not worked within the pharmaceutical field herself, but she had years of successful experience as an executive in publishing. She had come to coaching two years ago after having a coach herself as well as working with several authors and trainers who developed executive coaching programs. Marie became known as a coach for executives in the pharmaceutical field after, as a favor to

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a friend in the field, she delivered an engaging breakout session at a national pharmaceutical conference about her personal experience of being coached and her journey to becoming a coach. Although she had successfully coached many executives by this point, Marie always felt a nervous anticipation as she began to work with a new client. As a coach who embraced the Renewal Coaching perspective, Marie knew she would be partnering with an executive who had the charge of providing leadership to help the company overcome a significant loss or hardship. In her role as a coach, she knew she really had two clients: the executive and the organization itself. When Marie agreed to contract with Paula's company as an executive coach, she attended several company meetings and studied foundational company documents so she could learn about the organization's goals and strategies. She also interviewed several people with different roles within the organization to gain multiple perspectives about the challenges the company faced. By the time Paula retained Marie as her coach, Marie had a good picture of the organization, which gave her a context for the world her client faced each day. Being new to the company, Paula appreciated that Marie was not walking in cold to the organization. Today Paula and Marie will meet to establish the coaching goal for the next year and identify a time line of foreseeable milestones to achieve the goal. On the drive over to Paula's office Marie prepared herself mentally for this important first face-to-face meeting. Although she had learned about the company and had experience as an executive, she reminded herself that listening to Paula was the most important tool she will bring to this conversation. She was prepared to follow Paula's words and to be alert for subtext that revealed Paula's unique perspectives and concerns. From experience, Marie learned to step away from her own assumptions and personal experiences and stay completely in the moment with Paula. This first conversation will

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create the foundation for the entire coaching relationship. Not only will Marie listen well but she will clarify what she believes Paula is expressing, asking questions that provoke Paula to "unpeel the onion" to reach information below the surface of what is obvious and express hypotheses for Marie to explore. Paula greeted Marie with a warm smile and a firm handshake. She was excited to have a confidential coach help her navigate the challenges of her new position and lead her department to success. Paula felt prepared to do this work. She already had ten years of experience under her belt as a pharmaceutical sales representative and five years as a manager of marketing for a smaller company. Yet she clearly understood she was taking the helm of a team that was fearful and lacked confidence and trust. Paula had done her homework. She had learned from her personal professional network of colleagues in the field that this company had a poor track record of early-stage drug development marketing, due at least in part to a lack of execution of the budget and personnel allocations. She shared her suspicions that in addition to the cultural and communication gaps between R&D and marketing, top management was guilty of not supporting plans-making changes without completely involving the leadership of both groups, leaving them both to suspect the other of undermining the project. Paula confided in Marie that she was well aware that her charge to fix this situation could be window-dressing the real issue. She had a sense she was being told to solve a problem but might not be supported by the very people who said they wanted her to fix the problem. Over the next hour, Paula identified the team's main goal as securing an early and viable market for two new drugs finishing the testing and regulation process. Marie also asked Paula to specify key milestones and identify the specific actions needed to achieve each milestone. Then Marie asked Paula two more questions: "What will

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it mean for your organization when this goal is achieved and when you and your team are successful in achieving this goal? What will the organization be capable of that it can't do right now?" They had already discussed the obvious benefits of increased exposure and new business development and revenue, so Paula knew Marie was probing for outcomes that went beyond these benefits. For the next hour, Paula uncovered outcomes that had more to do with the culture of the organization and the way people worked together. Because the company was good at monitoring the metrics, she thought she could use these data as an entry point to raise issues that had been avoided up to this point, moving the conversation from the rational mind to deeper levels of insight. Paula also understood the systemic connections between each division. It was not enough for her division to be successful; she needed to be just as concerned about the success of R&D as well as the rest of the organization. For the final half hour, Paula added to her coaching action plan with Marie. She decided that her success would also be determined by the relationships created that were necessary to build the capacity for increased cooperation between her division and R&D. They identified a key R&D metric: translation time-the number of days required to take information from clinical tests and create executive summaries intended for nontechnical people who would not read the entire research study but might nevertheless be influential in purchase decisions. The use of outside metrics had never been tried in the marketing department before, but Paula decided that her team would follow this as closely as they did their own performance objectives and would offer help to improve translation time with the technical writing resources in the marketing department. Although Marie was neither a scientist nor an expert in the pharmaceutical community, she asked the question any caring person might post: For whom will these drugs be used? Paula explained that

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one drug was designed to reduce the risk of infant mortality associated with pharmaceutical allergies in the mother, and the other drug was used to treat parasitic diseases. Both had the potential for enormous impact not only in the United States but also in developing countries. Marie suggested that Paula translate the abstractions of research and marketing into human terms. While the identities of actual participants in clinical trials are confidential, the marketing team could certainly imagine the sort of patients that these drugs were designed to help, and they decided to create a "wall of hope;' a prominently placed collage of photographs, quotes, images, and artifacts that represents friends, family members, and total strangers who might benefit from these drugs. This focus provided a beacon by which all other decisions and actions could be viewed and gave Marie permission to approach her leadership role with a sense of excitement and energy. What could have easily devolved into drudgery and yet another demoralizing cycle of failure for her new organization now had a sense of purpose that served a greater good. While this initial coaching conversation was necessarily general in nature, the conversation concluded, as all successful coaching conversations must, with specific commitments for action. Not only did Paula commit to the creation of the wall of hope but she also agreed that before her next conversation with her coach, she would prepare a hundred-day plan that established specific milestones, action plans, and tasks designed to achieve her goals. As was the case with most of the people Marie coaches, Paula was an experienced project manager with excellent time management skills, basics of enduring importance. However, Marie's experience with some unsuccessful coaching clients taught her never to assume that these basics are understood clearly: she had encountered senior executives with advanced business degrees and Ivy League pedigrees who struggle with the

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essentials of transforming goals into action plans. "I've never had a client who is 'too good' when it comes to the essentials of time and project management," Marie mused. Although the amount of time she spent on the essentials of the hundred-day plan vary from one client to another, Marie learned that without a commitment to this level of specificity, executive coaching can easily devolve into unstructured, ponderous, and unhelpful conversations. Fortunately, Paula was willing to accept coaching even in areas where she had evident strength. Marie knew this would be a successful engagement. As Marie drove back to her home office, she reflected on her conversation with Paula. Over the next year, she will use all of the coaching skills she possesses and will support Paula in navigating unexpected twists, turns, setbacks, and victories. She commits herself to be optimistic and have both feet planted in the reality of whatever Paula faces during each coaching conversation. Paula will achieve most of the milestones she marked out today. Some milestones will shift and others will be completely revised as new information comes into the picture. Although she does not know what they are yet, Marie knows that Paula will be confronted by personal leadership challenges and. unproductive habits that will appear especially during times of stress, and many times their coaching conversations will be about Paula's learning new leadership skills and habits. Above all, Marie knows Paula will change and grow as a leader through this challenge this organization has given her.

Getting Ready for Renewal Coaching

T

he Change Readiness Assessments at the end of the chapterone for the organization and one for the individual-allow the client and coach to consider their experience with change and use that

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objective information to understand the personal and organizational context of effective change. The results of these assessments (which you can then plot according to the scale of 0-100 for "Organizational Change Capacity" and O-lOO for "Leadership Change Capacity" in the Change Readiness Matrix, see the figure at the end of the assessment) will suggest strategies to improve the change efforts that you are about to undertake. If you prefer an electronic version of these assessments, you can download them at www.ChangeLeaders.com.click on Renewal Coaching, and select Change Readiness Assessment.

Are You Ready for Renewal?

O

bjective feedback is essential in any successful coaching relationship. The purpose is not to dampen enthusiasm but rather to give both the client and the coach a nuanced understanding of the challenges and rewards of change. The Renewal Readiness Assessment asks for personal narrative reflections in response to a series of questions. There are no numerical answers or correct responses. What is essential, however, is that the client invests time in thoughtful and detailed responses. The coach and client will work out the sort of interaction that best meets the needs of the client. For some clients, written responses before the coaching conversation will be more effective. For other clients, writing these responses may smack too much of homework and not elicit the best thinking of the client. In these cases, the best work may result from collaboration between the coach and client in which the coach is interviewing the client, drawing out elaborated responses.

Objective feedback is essential in any successful coaching relationship.

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Before beginning the coaching engagement, clients must reflect seriously on these questions: • To what extent are you willing to accept data as a source of feedback? • Are you willing to question decisions that you have made? This includes decisions that you have made about your organization and decisions that you have made personally. • What conclusions have you made about the ability of people to change their knowledge and skills? Are these conclusions different when describing your colleagues and describing yourself? • Are you willing to question things about which you now have certainty? • Are you willing to attempt to have the "beginner's mind" and learn some things again that you think you know? • Are you willing to take the actions necessary to learn new skills, knowledge, attitudes, mental models, and frames of mind? • Are you willing to tell your whole story to the coach? • Are you willing to have a coaching conversation not about what you want to hear but about the challenges that are most meaningful for you and your organization? • Are you willing to follow through, take your commitments seriously, and implement specific actions after each coaching conversation? • Will you treat this coaching engagement as if it matters? • Are you willing to take risks? Are you willing to engage in experiments, trying some new approaches even if they seem unusual, even strange, to you? Are you willing to draw lessons from your experiments?

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• How will you deal with the inevitable losses that this coaching engagement will lead to? This includes losses of former habits, practices, personal convictions, and illusions. These are real losses that are among the greatest challenges of any coaching relationship. How you have dealt with loss in the past will be a guide to the emotional confrontation you will have with loss in the course of Renewal Coaching.

Are You Ready to Coach? ( ] ) enewal Coaching is inherently a reciprocal relationship . .1. \!herefore, we must avoid the typically one-sided relationship in which the coach is the assessor and the client is the one being assessed. The renewal coach must approach every engagement with an introspective examination of personal assumptions that may affect the success of the coach-client relationship. The coach must consider these questions: • What expertise do I have in this industry, profession, or organization? If I have extensive expertise, how will I keep in check my impulse to provide answers and tell my story rather than listen to the client and empower her to develop improved skills and frames of mind? If I lack expertise in this industry, what strengths do I have that will be of value to this client? • What have I noticed about the personality characteristics of the client? Are there elements of the client's personality, attitudes, and beliefs that I should discuss early in the engagement because they could interfere with the effectiveness of the relationship? For example, does the client appear to have predisposed attitudes about gender, age, ethnicity, or other human characteristics that will impede our relationship?

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• Are there particular personality traits, attitudes, and beliefs of this client that push my buttons and may therefore prevent me from being as effective a coach as I can be? • Is the client action oriented and willing to commit to change? Are there signs of reluctance on the part of the client, such as an unwillingness to schedule coaching conversations and an inability to make commitments that are specific, measurable, and time bound? • Are there people in the organization who may potentially interfere in this coach-client relationship? In particular, will my relationship with the client's boss threaten to compromise my commitment to confidentiality? • Am I able to maintain my emotional balance as this client deals with the challenges of change? Can I keep my own emotions in check as I observe this client deal with anger, fear, sadness, and other strong emotional experiences? • Will I be able to hold this client accountable? Can I avoid being intimidated by particularly strong personalities who are used to getting their own way and are not used to having other people establish expectations and deadlines for them? • Am I willing to disengage from this client if the relationship is not effective? • Are my agreements with the client and the client's organization complete, transparent, and committed to writing? Are we completely clear on the number of meetings we will have and the schedule for those meetings, as well as the protocols if a meeting is cancelled? • If I am employed by the same organization as my client, are written policies in place so that the confidentiality of discussions held within the client-coach relationship is ensured?

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• Are there legally required exceptions to the client-coach confidentiality rules, and have I clearly addressed those with the client? • What evidence have I used to determine that the client's organization supports coaching as a professional development tool? Has the client's organization provided time and financial support for coaching? What is the specific value to the organization for this coaching engagement? What is the best result from the organization's perspective for this coaching engagement: saving a failing employee, promoting a promising employee, or something else?

The Renewal Coaching Framework in Action

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aula's case allows us to examine Renewal Coaching in action. Marie did not ignore the two-dimensional needs that most clients have, as she considered both personal and organizational needs and also applied performance and therapeutic criteria. Therefore, Marie and Paula moved through each quadrant of two-dimensional coaching, from satisfaction (Paula's personal needs were met) to comfort (colleagues within the organization were able to resolve old conflicts) to efficiency (Paula was able to meet her performance objectives) to effectiveness (Paula added value to the organization). So far, so good. But isn't there more? How will Paula sustain her motivation? How will Paula's colleagues, including those over whom she has no authority but with whom she can exercise considerable influence, remain engaged? The answer is in the wall of hope, an emblem of the third dimension of Renewal Coaching. When efficiency and effectiveness are not enough, the wall of hope offers the dimensions of resilience and renewal. Now let's consider some specific tools that renewal coaches can use in practice.

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THE COACHING AGREEMENT

Because the term coaching has been used to describe many different activities, it is important that each coaching relationship begin with a high degree of clarity about the responsibilities of each party: the coach and the client. The coaching agreement in Exhibit 10.1 is one way of specifying mutual expectations for the process. This agreement may strike some readers as excessively specific, but our experience is that there is never a Goldilocks formulation for "just right" when it comes to coaching agreements. Therefore, the only remaining choices are agreements that are either too ambiguous or too specific, and we have learned that specificity beats ambiguity every time. After a strong working relationship has been established, it is always easier to create some latitude for both parties. But once a relationship has begun with insufficient clarity, it is nearly impossible to bring that relationship back to a mutually satisfying level of agreement. Exhibit 10.1 Sample Coaching Agreement This agreement between Coach [insert name] and Client [insert name] will begin on [start date] and end on [end date]. 1. Description Renewal Coaching is an interactive process between the Coach and Client, each of whom has responsibilities that contribute to the success of the coaching relationship. The ultimate purpose of Renewal Coaching is a significant and measurable improvement in the effectiveness of the Client not only with regard to working relationships and organizational effectiveness but also with regard to the Client's contribution to the greater good. 2. Promises The Coach commits to the following promises:

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• Preserve client confidentiality, with exceptions explicitly required by law or exceptions approved by the client and employer organization. • Maintain coaching conversations within the Renewal Coaching Framework. • Schedule ___ coaching sessions, ___ minutes each, during the period of this agreement. The Client commits to the following promises: • Disclosures of personal and organizational goals and objectives. • Identify specific goals at work, at home, and for the greater good that, if achieved, will lead to a higher level of effectiveness and personal satisfaction. • Approach every coaching conversation prepared to engage fully in a Renewal Coaching dialogue. • Follow through on commitments made and take action between each coaching meeting. 3. Contact Methods Coaching conversations will take place: _ _ Telephone _ _ In person at coach's office

_ _ In person at client's office Videoconference

_ _ Other (specify: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __

4. Evaluation • Client evaluation at the end of every coaching conversation and at the end of the coaching engagement period. • Measurable performance data at the beginning and end of each coaching engagement period. • Accountability to client organization. The coach will record the number of completed coaching conversations and other contacts such as e-mail and other calls. These data are provided to the client and the client's organization, and confidentiality about the content of these contacts is strictly maintained.

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5. Cancellation Coaching meetings are scheduled at the beginning of each engagement period. Meetings cancelled less than one week prior to the scheduled meeting may not be rescheduled. Our signatures on this agreement indicate full understanding of and acceptance of the terms in this agreement. Client: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Date: _ __ Coach: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Date: _ __

Renewal Coaching is more than a review of a to-do list and a review of important organizational goals. While task and project management are important elements of the effectiveness of any member of an organization, the pursuit of efficiency alone is not sustainable. Let's return to the four quadrants of traditional coaching, described in Figure 1.1. The quadrants in the traditional two-dimensional model are based on efforts to improve personal and organizational effectiveness using strategies that include performance-based strategies, designed to improve organizational effectiveness, and therapeutic strategies, designed to improve individual effectiveness. Therapeutic strategies at the individual level are focused on personal satisfaction and comfort, and performance strategies are focused on efficiency and effectiveness. Although there is nothing inherently wrong with any of these quadrants-satisfaction, comfort, efficiency, and effectivenessnone is sufficient. The client who is willing to share a task list and a set of organizational goals may succeed within this two-dimensional framework but will not proceed to renewal. The questions the coach must ask include not only "What do you need to accomplish this week for your organization?" but also "What do you need to accomplish for you?" This question is not selfish, but at the heart of renewal and it is what distinguishes traditional coaching from Renewal Coaching.

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SECURING THE COACHING AGREEMENT

Some clients may resist the apparently bureaucratic procedure surrounding a formal coaching agreement. While the service-oriented coach may be tempted to dispense with the agreement as «merely a formality;' we strongly counsel against this. One of the essentials of Renewal Coaching is reciprocity, and the coaching agreement makes clear from the start that this will be a reciprocal relationship with mutual responsibilities. There is also the practical matter that individuals and organizations benefit from clear accountability and communication. In some cases, the person in the hiring organization may be different from the coaching client and in fact may be the supervisor of the person who will ultimately be coached. When the hiring organization representative is also the coaching client, coaching success increases but is not guaranteed. In fact, some individuals engage coaches and commit significant budgetary resources to the coaching process, but then fail to follow through on commitments. They miss meetings, create conflicts, and fail to support the coaching process. These clients may have the best of intentions and may even have a strong and vivid vision for where they want to be and what they want to change, but they simply are not sufficiently uncomfortable with their current level of performance to begin the process of meaningful change. Other clients may be gripped by anxiety about what they have to accomplish and cannot override the assumption that being busy is the best measure of success, no matter what the outcome. As one client who overcame this habit told us, «I have to take a broader perspective when it is time for our coaching calls. Even though I feel under pressure to meet deadlines, I remind myself that coaching is a tool for doing just that. It is not a distraction or a waste of time."

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The coaching agreement makes dear from the start that this will be a reciprocal relationship with mutual responsibilities.

CLARIFYING THE COACH -CLIENT RELATIONSHIP

The second phase of securing the coaching agreement is gaining a clear common understanding on all aspects of the coaching relationship. This includes topics such as dates, times, record keeping, cost, confidentiality, process, and accountability. The surest path to failure as a coach is to attempt a relationship with a client who does not want to be coached. Independent coaches who are established and successful in their career can decline contracts from organizations to coach a reluctant or uncoachable employee. Marshall Goldsmith is a highly successful coach who works with leaders to change detrimental behaviors. Goldsmith prequalifies the leaders he coaches and will not work with a person who does not want to change or whose organization really does not want to see the person succeed. For Goldsmith, who does not get paid unless his clients noticeably change their behavior, making sure he is working with coachable clients directly is important to his bottom line. Independent coaches who are just starting out may not be experienced enough to know if the person they are being asked to coach is reluctant or is looking forward to the coaching opportunity, and they may need the income. Therefore, they undertake a contract and then respond to challenges of client commitment as they come up, even when the probabilities of success are low. As with any other development process, becoming a coach is a journey that lasts a lifetime and every coaching experience has the potential to teach the coach about coaching. The Renewal Coaching

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framework may seem more challenging for both coaches and clients because it focuses on transforming loss and adversity into something for a greater good. This focus on a value outside the individual is supported by more than two decades of research conducted by Martin Seligman (2002), former president of the American Psychological Association and founder of the positive psychology movement. In studies of hundreds of thousands of subjects across many different cultures and demographic groups, there are surprisingly consistent elements of happiness, including not only having one's basic needs met and satisfying personal relationships but also in finding meaning outside oneself. These factors, more than wealth, possessions, or even education, are most strongly associated with happiness. This explains why traditional coaching formulations are not sustainable if they focus exclusively on individual work. We can be efficient and effective-and miserable. Traditional coaching formulations are not sustainable if they focus exclusively on individual work. We can be efficient and effective-and miserable.

Coaches employed by the organization may not have the option of turning down a request to coach a client of the organization. After all, organizations that support an internal coaching program have invested in coaching as a strategy for improving performance and results. Coaches internal to organizations must seek complete clarification on a few additional elements that mayor may not also apply to independent coaches: How will confidentiality be handled? Must the coach submit reports to the supervisor of the client? If so, what is the reporting schedule? How will the client participate in these accountability measures? How will the coaching experience be evaluated? Some organizations have answered these questions during the

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course of developing their coaching program. Whether you choose to use our model agreement or create your own, the bottom line for coaching agreements is this: coaches need to identify the contracting client, assess the level of commitment, and achieve clarity about expectations and accountability. Whether coaches are internal to the organization or independent contractors, establishing a clear coaching agreement with the coaching client is crucial. From the moment the coach is contacted for information about coaching by the client, the contract is being formed and defined. In the precontract stage, coaches must be prepared to give direct and specific answers to questions on the mind of the potential client and raise other questions that the client does not ask. These questions will run the gamut from the philosophical to the practical: • • • • • • • • • •

What is your approach and philosophy of coaching? How successful have you been as a coach? What will I be expected to do, and what can I expect from you? Are our conversations confidential? What do you charge, and what is the payment schedule? How often do we talk? Can I contact you between coaching conversations? How long do we go before we reevaluate? What if I want to end the coaching relationship? What happens if I miss a coaching conversation?

Coaching and Consulting: What's the Difference?

rTl uring the preliminary discussions surrounding the coaching 'L/ agreement, the coach and client should discuss the unique

role of the renewal coach. It is not unusual for the client to expect the

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coach to be a problem solver, a "fixer" and a counselor-in brief, a consultant. But there are important distinctions between the roles of coach and consultant. Consultants diagnose problems and prescribe solutions; coaches do not. Coaches mediate the thinking process of the client to help then uncover and create responses to change the current state and move toward their goals. Some clients engage a coach because they think the coach will be their own personal advisory board so before a coaching relationship begins, clients and coaches must have clear mutual expectations. In order to gain this degree of clarity, the parties to the coaching agreement must engage in a direct conversation in which these issues are clarified, the agreement is established in writing, and both parties formally sign the agreement. Oral contracts, as Yogi Berra famously suggested, "aren't worth the paper they are written on." Just as the expectations of the coach must be clear, it is essential to be clear about the client's expectations. Despite the time and resources invested in coaching, an astonishing number of clients regard the coaching conversations as an opportunity for philosophical reflection rather than commitments for action. Other clients don't understand that coaching results in actions toward achieving goals-and that they need to take those actions. These clients try to treat coaching conversations as gripe sessions or simply a time to report what is going on in their lives and work. The antidote to this dilemma rests in the careful process of goal and strategy identification that takes place during the first coaching conversation. Once goals have been established and defined, the job of the coach is to help the client relate daily challenges back to them. Over time, clients begin to understand and recognize the rhythm of the coaching process. On their own, they begin to gripe less and connect better to a sense of efficacy that includes taking action and evaluating outcomes.

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Feedback from the Coach effective coaching is rich in feedback. However, if the feedback from the coach is perceived by the client to be either a casual opinion or outside advice that fails to comprehend the nuances of the client's unique position, then even the most expert coach will be unlikely to help the client make the changes necessary for renewal. Renewal coaches provide a rich variety of feedback, including assessments, observations, and document reviews.

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ASSESSMENT

Renewal Coaches use four types of assessments: preassessment, formative assessment, summative assessment, and client self-assessment. Preassessment is a critical step that includes not only the readiness of the individual to receive coaching but the willingness of the client organization to support the Renewal Coaching process. Formative assessments are an integral part of every coaching conversation. In addition to verbal feedback from the coach, formative assessment includes client surveys for each element of the Renewal Coaching framework in Chapters Three through Nine. (These formative assessments are also available to readers in an online format at www.ChangeLeaders.com.Click on Renewal Coaching and select Assessments.) The summative, or final, assessment is provided by the coach at the conclusion of a coaching engagement. In most cases, this is a confidential assessment provided to the client, but in some cases, the client and client's employer may agree in advance of the process that elements of the summative assessment will be shared with the employer. Perhaps the most important assessment in the Renewal Coaching process is self-assessment: the ability of the

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client to engage in continual reflection, objectively and consistently comparing the difference between his or her current state of performance, resilience, and renewal and the desired state. Closing this gap is a lifelong pursuit, and whether or not clients continue a coaching relationship, the successful pursuit of renewal requires a continuous cycle of self-assessment and recognition, reigniting the entire process of renewal.

INTERVIEWS AND OBSERVATIONS

In addition to formal and informal assessments, coaches should conduct interviews not only with the client but with the colleagues with whom the client most frequently interacts. This reality check will start the coaching process on an authentic basis. Consider the client who says during an initial coaching conversation, "I really want to focus on my strategic leadership skills-no need to focus on the management stuff, because I've got my daily routines, task management, and interpersonal relationships with my staff in good shape." The wise coach will neither accept this statement at face value nor challenge it, but rather regard the statement as a hypothesis to be tested with further data, including discussions with colleagues and, where appropriate, direct observations of the client.

DOCUMENT REVIEWS

If the coaching relationship is to be successful, the client and the client's organization must be absolutely open and candid with the coach. This candor requires, for example, disclosing the client's recent performance evaluations and previous personal development plans, as well as the elements of organization's strategic plans for which the client is responsible. Many coaches spend a day or two shadowing their

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clients, observing them as they organize their day, lead and participate in meetings, work with teams, interact with clients and colleagues, make presentations, and otherwise perform their duties. While the objective feedback from assessments, performance reviews, and organizational documents can provide important insights into client needs, there is no substitute for the qualitative insights gained from observation. Anthropologists use the term ethnography to describe the study of human cultures. Margaret Mead did not distribute surveys as she engaged in her famous study of Samoan cultures; rather, she observed, as quietly and unobtrusively as possible. This is the role of the Renewal Coaching during the observation process, and it is vital that the coach does no~ offer advice, but simply observes and learns. During the first conversation with Renewal Coaching clients, we ask them to tell us the story of what brought them to this moment. We explain that coaching is a strategy for change and that change is usually catalyzed by a challenge, loss, adversity, or vision of something better that creates a feeling of unrest. As they tell us what brought them to this moment of contracting for Renewal Coaching, we are assessing where the client is in the transformational change process. Is he stuck in an early stage? Has he taken steps to learn new perspectives or skills? What emotions does he have about the change he is going through? Consider Helen who engaged in Renewal Coaching with the goal of starting her own consulting business. Helen's story of what brought her to this moment included adversity and loss. She had previously owned her own business years ago but sold it when she was going through a divorce in order to get a job where she would have better health care benefits for herself and her child. When she sold her business, she also sold the business identity and marketing package. Then she was diagnosed with cancer and found herself in a fight to regain her health. Although she participated in some medical interventions,

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she did not agree to undergo chemotherapy. Her family was disappointed in this choice, and a tension developed between them. Helen sold all her belongings and moved to a new state-without a job or a place to live. Eventually Helen was employed in the health care field conducting training in medical records management and consulting in other areas of health care business processes. She recently became engaged to a very supportive man and went back to school part time to earn a master's degree. Helen remembers the loss of her own small company and has a vivid vision and passion for helping small companies. Yet despite her incredible strength and courage, Helen was immobilized. She said, "I've always been a risk taker, but now I can't sort out what needs to be done, and I don't know how to do it. I have always been independent, and I don't want to go back to work for a company. I want to own my own business again, but I can't even think of what to call it." As we coach Helen, we will help her access all of the strengths she has developed over the years so that she can transform her losses into wisdom to establish her own consulting business. For Helen, this is renewal.

MEETINGS

Effective coaching meetings may take place in any number of contexts, including personal face-to-face meetings, full-motion interactive video, phone conversations, video technologies such as Skype that combine conversations with a visual image, and computer-assisted programs such as Google Docs or GoToMeeting.com, which allow participants separated by large geographical distances to review the same documents during a conversation. Different organizational infrastructures, including Internet connection speeds and computer

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memory, influence the sort of technology that is optimal for coaching conversations. While we appreciate the potential for reducing organizational costs and carbon imprint by using technology in place of the driving and flying associated with face to face meetings, we also know that "high tech" is preceded by "high touch" and therefore strongly recommend that most coaching relationships begin with a face- to-face meeting.

"High tech" is preceded by "high touch;' and therefore we strongly recommend that most coaching relationships begin with a face-to-face meeting.

The goal of the first coaching conversation is to achieve several important coaching objectives, including goal setting, action planning, and rapport building. This meeting can last up to two hours. For some people, coaches and clients alike, this would be a tiresomely long phone conversation but a comfortable face-to-face meeting. During a two-hour face-to-face meeting, eye contact and an enjoyable cup of coffee or tea help to engage and sustain both parties. In addition, coaches and clients can work side-by-side, eliminating some agenda items, revising others, and creating new ideas for an effective coaching agenda. In order to maximize the potential for transforming coaching conversations into personal action and organizational results, these early conversations should lead to a hundredday action plan. While we generally agree that coaching is an intimate experience that benefits from face-to-face interaction, our experience has repeatedly shown that coaching can effectively occur using technologies beyond the in-person meeting. One of our coaching colleagues, Bob Kuklis, a strong believer in face-to-face coaching meetings,

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previously thought that coaching would not be as effective if it could not take place in person. Nevertheless, he started to work with clients who lived across the country and whose budgets did not include travel by the coach or the clients. Bob agreed to coach remotely using only the telephone. To his surprise, he enjoyed excellent experiences in these coaching relationships, and now he regularly coaches over the phone and rarely meets his clients in person. The advantages of phone coaching that Bob learned have been discovered by coaches around the globe who of necessity use technology rather than inperson meetings. These advantages include a sharp focus on the coaching process, fewer bird walks and storytelling, fewer interruptions, and increased efficiency of time use. Coaches need to be adept at all types of meetings, in person and using technology, and the needs of clients, as well as an increasing concern by many organizations for reducing their environmental impact, will doubtlessly lead to the increased use of technologysupported meetings.

Coaching Resources

rD ecause coaching conversations are complex and full of detail '1.) and because coaches and clients lead busy and complicated lives outside these conversations, it is useful to have a structured set of resources for both the coaching and conversations and for follow-up. These resources emphasize the reciprocal nature of Renewal Coaching, in which coaches and clients give valuable information and feedback to one another. Just as it is important for coaching clients to establish goals and journal their reflections, so is it important for renewal coaches to record the nature and outcomes of each conversation with clients. The Renewal Coaching journal is an instructive tool not just to create a memory of commitments and

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content from each conversation, but also to make visible the connections between cause and effect: that coaching strategies yield specific results for the client. Exhibit 10.2, the Renewal Coaching Journal, provides a useful method to record the mutual commitments of each coaching conversation. (You can download a copy of this form at www.ChangeLeaders. com. Click on Renewal Coaching and select Coaching Resources.) Exhibit 10.2 Renewal Coaching Journal Although both the client and the coach can use this form, it is essential that the coach use this document to keep the coaching conversation focused and to clarify mutual commitments. At the completion of each coaching conversation, the coach should send this form to the client and confirm commitments made during the coaching conversation. Coach name: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ Client name and organization: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ Dateltime of coaching conversation: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ 1. Overview

What has happened since our last call? _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ Success stories and commitments completed: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ Commitments in progress: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ Challenges and commitments where the client is stuck: _ _ _ _ __ How can we make the best use of our time in this conversation?

2. Assessment and feedback Discussion of assessments completed since the previous coaching conversation and the results:

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----------

Client inferences and conclusions:

Coach's agreement with client conclusions:

Coach's challenges to client conclusions:

3. Renewal coaching framework focus The most important issue for the client right now:

The focus of this coaching conversation:

Recognition-Finding patterns of toxicity and renewal Reality-Confronting change killers in work and life Reciprocity-Coaching in harmony Resilience-Coaching through pain Resonance-Coaching with emotional intelligence Relationship-Nurturing the personal elements of coaching Renewal-Creating energy, meaning, and freedom to sustain the journey

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4. Commitments: What are the specific commitments that we will make as a result of this conversation? Commitments from the client:

Commitments from the coach:

5. Evaluation What was most useful for you about this coaching conversation?

What would you like to be certain that we accomplish in our next conversation?

Coaches use the following list of prompts to capture thoughts and inferences that may have come up, from the coach's perspective, during the course of the conversation. These notes are not necessarily shared with the client, but they can be if the coach feels they are useful to the client. They also allow the coach to notice patterns of emotions and attitudes over time: Coaching Notes: During this conversation, the client's commitment to Renewal Coaching, on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 representing complete and focused commitment to the process and results and 0 representing being forced to participate accompanied by strong feelings of resistance is ... The client is most responsive to ... The client has stress and anxiety about ... As a coach, I will be more effective with this client when ... This client will benefit from the following organizational support ... It is most important for the coach to affirm ... It is most important for the coach to challenge ...

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Other people in the client's organization with whom I should speak ... Colleague name and contact information: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ Questions: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ Colleague name and contact information: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ Questions: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ In the next coaching conversation, this client should focus on the following element of the Renewal Coaching framework:

We recommend a minimum of six months for any Renewal Coaching relationship, with coaching conversations occurring two times per month for a total of twelve sessions. Of course, the coaching relationship can go much longer, and both of us have maintained multiyear coaching relationships. We have made the Renewal Coaches Journal and all of the other forms found in this book available in a text file on www.ChangeLeaders.com (click on Renewal Coaching) so that coaches can adapt them to reflect changes that are most appropriate for each client relationship.

Coaching Goals rzllthough client goals are the focus of coaching conversations, it is equally important that coaches set goals for themselves in order to maintain a mindful presence within the coaching relationship. We find it useful to identify coaching goals at the end of each coaching session in preparation for the next session. In order to move clients forward, great coaches purposely create dissonance to provoke questioning and growth. Dissonance with support keeps the coaching process moving forward instead of stagnating. Presence, which is the ability of the coach to maintain equanimity

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when clients become emotional, resistant, or intimidating, empowers coaches to respond thoughtfully to whatever comes up. Together, they prevent the coach from becoming reactive (O'Neill, 2007). Keeping with the spirit of reciprocity, coaching goals challenge both the client and the coach. The client benefits from a coach who is unwavering in the coaching role, and the coach experiences the richness of multilayered coaching. At the risk of sounding contradictory, the coach pursues these coaching goals while never losing sight of the client's needs and his or her service to the client. For example, coaches may have clients who do not follow through on the actions committed to at the end of the previous coaching conversation. In order to maintain presence within the context of coaching, this coach would voice the observation about lack of follow-through to the client and then ask a mediating question, such as, "What is one thing you could change that would allow you to take the actions you commit to?" This approach calls the client out on the behavior but also offers support, which conveys the values of accountability, acceptance, respect, and service. Once the coach has posed a powerful question, the most important role of the coach is listening. In fact, the primary skill of the coach is not coaching in the traditional sense of exhortation, giving advice, or even offering encouragement. The primary skill of the coach is listening. In our training of coaches, we tell them that if they listen with nothing added, nothing resisted, nothing judged, they are probably doing more for their client than anyone else has up to this point. Many people who have had unsatisfactory experiences with coaches confirm that listening is the key to success, and talking is almost always a symptom of failure. Although you will no doubt be full of great ideas and believe deeply that you could save the client a great deal of effort by just announcing the answer, you must stifle that impulse, be quiet, and listen. You will do more for the client with

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this simple act than a legion of consultants equipped with the answer of the day.

Many people who have had unsatisfactory experiences with coaches confirm that listening is the key to success, and talking is almost always a symptom of failure.

As you prepare for a coaching engagement, be prepared not only to challenge the client but to challenge yourself. Exhibit 10.3 suggests some coaching goals that may be helpful as you focus your energy on providing the greatest insights and capacity-building practices for your clients. Exhibit 10.3 Coaching Goals • I will support my client to consider the perspectives of different people in the organization. • I will confront my client if he or she did not take the actions agreed to. o I will maintain my presence when my client becomes emotional. • I will respect what my client believes is and is not possible by listening carefully and paraphrasing to see if my understanding is accurate. o I will ask only questions that keep my client on track. o I will support my client in identifying a network of support in his or her organization. o I will remember to encourage my client to brainstorm solutions, listening without judgment and encouraging the client to identify multiple options before coming to a premature conclusion. o I will support my client in focusing on what he or she can do, not what others are not doing. o I will resonate hope and compassion so my client can act with wisdom. o When my client begins to tell a long story, I will ask the client to "cut to the chase" and summarize the conclusion.

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• I will share my thoughts only in the context of my client's issue and current reality. • By the end of this call • My client will have outlined clear next steps. • My client will evaluate the indicators to date and will reflect on results. • My client will identify something new he or she needs to learn to move the project forward. • My client will identify one priority to focus on. • My client will have identified two or three indicators to track over the next two weeks to show that the project is moving forward. • My client will agree to share his or her goals with two other people and ask them for feedback.

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ORGANIZATIONAL CHANGE READINESS ASSESSMENT This assessment considers the capacity of the organization and the leader to engage in significant change. In the left-hand column, identify three significant changes that have occurred within the past five years in the organization. For each column to the right, enter a score from 0 to 10, with 10 representing the highest level of change effectiveness. Total for change 1: _ _ __ Total for change 2: _ _ __ Total for change 3: _ _ __ Total for the two highest changes: _ _ __

Organizational Change l.

2.

3.

Planning: Clear, detailed, effectively communicated

Sense of Urgency: Widespread sense of immediate need for change

Stakeholder Support: Employees, clients, community understood and supported change

Leadership Focus: Senior leadership made the change their clear and consistent focus long after initiation

Impact on Results: The change had a measurable and significant impact on results

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PERSONAL CHANGE READINESS ASSESSMENT

Consider three personal changes that you have made in the past five years. These changes could represent a strategic or behavioral change at work or a change in your personal life, such as an improvement in your diet, exercise routine, or personal relationships. Evaluate each change on the criteria listed below from to 10, with 10 representing the highest level of change effectiveness.

°

Total for change 1: _ _ __ Total for change 2: _ _ __ Total for change 3: _ _ __ Total for the two highest changes: _ _ __

Personal Change l.

2.

3.

Planning: I planned in advance the steps I would take and knew clearly how to make the change.

Sense of Urgency: I knew that the price of failing to change was much greater than the price of changing.

Personal Support: My family and friends knew I was making a change and supported me.

Personal Focus: I devoted time to initiating and maintaining the change despite my busy schedule.

Impact on Results: I can measure the results of the change, and they are clear and significant.

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THE CHANGE READINESS MATRIX

Examine the Change Readiness Matrix and mark the intersection between Organizational Change and Leadership Change readiness. Plot according to a scale of 0-100 for "Organizational Change Capacity" and 0-100 for "Leadership Change Capacity" in the Change Readiness Matrix.

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