An Ellora’s Cave Romantica Publication
www.ellorascave.com
Perfect Cadence ISBN 9781419916397 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Perfect Cadence Copyright© 2008 Nikki Soarde Edited by Sue-Ellen Gower. Photography and cover art by Les Byerley. Electronic book Publication June 2008 With the exception of quotes used in reviews, this book may not be reproduced or used in whole or in part by any means existing without written permission from the publisher, Ellora’s Cave Publishing, Inc.® 1056 Home Avenue, Akron OH 44310-3502. Warning: The unauthorized reproduction or distribution of this copyrighted work is illegal. Criminal copyright infringement, including infringement without monetary gain, is investigated by the FBI and is punishable by up to 5 years in federal prison and a fine of $250,000. (http://www.fbi.gov/ipr/) This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to persons, living or dead, or places, events or locales is purely coincidental. The characters are productions of the authors’ imagination and used fictitiously.
PERFECT CADENCE Nikki Soarde
Trademarks Acknowledgement The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of the following wordmarks mentioned in this work of fiction: Casper the Friendly Ghost: Harvey Entertainment, Inc. Coke: The Coca-Cola Company Crocodile Dundee: Paramount Pictures Corporation Denny’s: DFO, Inc. Formica: Formica Corporation Jell-O: Kraft Foods Holdings, Inc. Les Paul: Shawmut Capital Corporation Molson: Molson Canada Molson Inc. Monopoly: Hasbro, Inc.
Perfect Cadence
Chapter One “You were awesome tonight, babe. Totally awesome.” “Thanks.” Josh lounged back on the couch, pushed the mop of still-wet hair off his forehead and watched his date pluck her fourth slice of pizza out of the box on the coffee table. If there was one thing you could say about Constance, it was that she had a healthy appetite. And a healthy figure to go with it. She plopped down beside him. “Aren’t you having any more? I thought you’d be starving after that workout.” She snuggled in beside him, her ample breast brushing his bare arm. Her bare thigh pressed to his denim-clad leg. “Nah. I’m never that hungry after a show. Too pumped, I guess.” Even now he could feel the beat of the bass, the rumble of the drums and hear the cheers of the crowd. His fingertips still throbbed from the pressure of the guitar strings. He’d worn his throat raw from singing and worked up the kind of sweat that soaked his hair and plastered his T-shirt to his chest. He felt glorious. “Well, they definitely loved you, that’s for sure.” She chewed and swallowed a hunk of double cheese and pepperoni before giving him a coquettish look. “There were a couple of girls in the front row that wanted to love you in person. Real bad.” “Yeah, they did, didn’t they?” He grinned, remembering the two young women who had tossed their G-strings on stage and then tried to follow him into his dressing room. The bouncers had done their job, but truth be told, he had been tempted. Just not quite tempted enough. He looked at Constance and realized she was studying him. He smiled and cupped her cheek. “But who needs teenage groupies when I’ve got the prettiest girl in the world waiting back in the dressing room?” She smiled, a soft blush rising to her cheeks. That was what he liked about her. Like him, she was just a little bit insecure. Just a little bit sensitive. Plus she’d known him for years, knew him as more than the lead singer for the up-and-coming band, Shiver. She had grown up in his small-town neighborhood, just a few houses away. How ironic that more than ten years later he’d run into her here in the metropolis of Toronto. She’d come to one of his club gigs three months ago, and he’d spotted her in the crowd. Thrilled to see someone familiar, he’d invited her backstage. And things had…developed from there. He drew her mouth to his for a tender kiss. Her lips were full and soft. She had the kind of mouth a man could lose himself in. “Mmm,” she murmured, her hand sneaking under his shirt. “I thought you’d never get around to it.”
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“I should shower.” Her hands skimmed over his abs, up to his chest. “I’m so sweaty.” She nipped at his lower lip, tweaked a nipple. “No way. I like you like this.” She pulled away a little, surveyed him from head to toe, before leaning close and whispering in his ear. “All sweaty and sexy. And mine.” He sighed as her lips coasted down his neck. “You wanna get naked here? I love this couch.” She bit his throat, and he worried that he was coated in salt. “It’s so soft and plush.” Soft and plush. Those words echoed in his mind. Ironic, since they so aptly described Constance as well. “How about you get naked? Would you strip for me?” She had mentioned that a few days ago. And now seemed the perfect time since his mind still reeled with guitar riffs and riotous applause. He needed to get himself down off the stage—and deep into Constance. She sat back, grinned. “Perfect. I’ll put on some music.” She chose one of the CDs she’d brought over a couple of weeks ago to “enhance his collection”. A moment later the gritty strains of “Don’t Cha” by the Pussycat Dolls was pulsing through the apartment, and into his gut. She stood before him, absolutely still, and closed her eyes before beginning to shimmy her body in a sultry mimicry of the music. She began by rolling one shoulder, and then the other. Her body swayed to the beat, her hips tilted. She turned sideways, opened her eyes to give him a hooded look before slipping one strap of her tiny black tank top off her shoulder. She revealed one lush breast, and then the other. Her nipples were large and dark, a deep tan color that verged on mocha. She played with her breasts, swinging her hips as she tweaked her nipples and urged them to full arousal. She turned around and, very slowly, eased the miniskirt down over her hips, affording him an enticing view of her ass, clad only in a pale pink thong. Her ass was full, round—perfect. Overall her curves were ample but sensuous, a vivid contrast to the lean, athletic type he was typically drawn to. He figured this was a good thing. He needed different. God knew he needed something. Banishing that thought from his mind, he focused on the slow, sensual motions of her hands as she slowly—very slowly—peeled the thong down over hips and thighs, revealing a smooth-shaved pussy already damp and glistening. “Mmm, baby,” he said with a grin. “Now touch yourself for me.” But she shook her head. “Nuh-uh. I did that last time I saw you. I wanna touch you. I wanna take you in my mouth and make you wild with my tongue.” And before he could stop her, she had knelt between his knees, undone his fly and reached inside his shorts. “Constance, baby, I—” But his protest was too late.
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“You’re soft!” she said, her voice instantly shrill with anger and disappointment. “What the fuck? I’m stripping for you, I’m all naked, and you’re not the least bit turnedon?” “I just—” “You just don’t want me, that’s all.” Tears brimmed in her eyes as she stood and whirled away from him, hurriedly searching for her clothes. “Of course I do. Don’t be ridiculous.” “I’m not being ridiculous.” She grabbed her thong, pulled it on. “This is the third time in a row you couldn’t get it up. Either you don’t want me, or…or…or you’ve suddenly turned gay!” She was sobbing now, tears streaming down her face leaving black mascara streaks as she pulled on her skirt and reached for her top. “I’m not gay,” he retorted. “I’m just…tired! The show was a killer.” But even as he said it he knew it was a pathetic excuse. “You’re twenty-fucking-seven years old, Josh. Too tired to have sex?” She snorted. “I don’t think so.” She reached for her purse. “Don’t go, honey. We can take a shower together. You always like that.” “Fuck off, Josh. I don’t want a guy who has to work at getting a hard-on for me.” She stopped, her hand on the door. “I want a guy who wants me for me. Who thinks I’m sexy even though I’m a size twelve.” “That’s not it, Connie. You’ve got a gorgeous figure. That’s not what this is about at all. You’ve gotta believe me.” She glared at him. “Then what is it about, Josh? Huh? What is it about?” He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He felt lost. She shook her head. “That’s what I thought. It doesn’t matter. You can have the damn CDs. They’re all copies, anyway.” The door had already slammed in his face before he’d found breath to say the only lame, clichéd excuse he could come up with. “It’s not you, it’s me.” Now if only could figure out what it was about the “me” in that equation that kept screwing him up.
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Chapter Two Maddie looked up from the potatoes she was peeling to check on her son. “How ya doin’ there, dude?” Ash looked up from his “homework spot” at the breakfast bar area that overlooked her kitchen workspace. Vivid green eyes peeked out at her from beneath a shaggy mop of blond hair that hung almost to his shoulders. It wasn’t her preference, and she constantly nagged him about getting it cut, but already at the age of nine he had a mind of his own and a stubbornness of will that reminded her a bit too much of herself. Besides, it was a flagrant imitation of his hero, and how could she complain when it made Josh so happy? Ash twisted his face into a comical sneer. “Can I work on the math instead? This stuff sucks.” “Reading does not suck, and I told you already.” She dug a rotten spot out of the potato. “No math until you finish those two questions.” He pouted. “Did you finish reading the story?” “Yeah. It was easy.” And that was part of the problem. Ash needed to be challenged, and while his school was offering him advanced-level studies in his favorite subject, mathematics, his reading and comprehension skills also tended to surpass his classmates. He should be reading grade six-level material, rather than grade four. But they flatly refused to accelerate him, and there was only so much money available for enrichment. She had to choose her priorities. Life was all about priorities, after all. “Then tell me what the problem is.” “They want to know what the moral of the story is.” “Oh. And what do you think—” The doorbell rang, and Ash’s shriek of delight cut her short. “Josh is here! I’ll get it!” Ash’s stocking feet skidded across the polished hardwood floor, and he had wrenched the door open before Maddie had completed her thought that he was early and she had completely forgotten to finish putting on her makeup. And then she chided herself. Josh didn’t care what she looked like. They didn’t have that kind of friendship. And never would. “Heya, dude!” Josh burst into the apartment, and despite herself, she indulged in a moment of sheer, female pleasure.
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Her friend was young, tanned and fit, with sparkling blue eyes framed by dark lashes and a mop of wavy chestnut hair. Broad shoulders narrowed down to a trim waist and a backside that— Well, let’s just say it was small wonder the young girls swooned at his feet. And more than a few older ones. He was tousling Ash’s hair. “Hey, I thought you were gonna get this cut. You know, military style, to keep you cool for the summer.” Ash scowled. “Are you kidding? Did Mom tell you that?” “Maybe.” Josh winked at her. “As I recall I’m pretty sure—” “I did not!” She pointed her potato peeler at him. “He’s making it up.” “Sure, Mom.” He grabbed Josh’s hand and led him farther into the loft-style condo, right into the kitchen where Josh immediately opened the cutlery drawer. “Right. Uhhuh. Whatever you say.” Maddie’s mouth dropped open, and she glared at her guest. “You’re brainwashing my son.” “Yup. That’s the plan. All part of a grand scheme for Shiver to take over the world by seizing control over the minds of the young.” She frowned, watched him root through her collection of tongs, salad forks and can openers. “What are you doing?” “Ah-ha!” He held up a paring knife like it was an Olympic torch. “I’m gonna help make dinner.” She snatched the knife from him. “Oh no, you’re not. You are not endangering those fingers in my presence.” He pouted. “That’s ridiculous and you know it. I always ask and you always say no.” She laughed. “You always ask because I always say no. I know your kind.” She turned back to her duties. “You’re a handsome devil. A charmer.” She heard a soft mutter. “Constance didn’t think so.” “What?” “Nothing.” He plopped down on the stool Ash had just left and she knew very well that it was not “nothing”. “Josh—” “You gonna play something, Josh?” Ash had scurried out of the room and already returned with his mother’s acoustic guitar. “Please?” “Ash, honey, let the man sit for a minute.” But Josh was grinning again. “Nah, that’s okay. How can I deny my biggest fan?” With another tousle of Ash’s hair, Josh slipped off the stool and headed to the living area. He settled down, perching himself on the edge of the couch as he proceeded to tune the instrument to his satisfaction. “So, any requests?”
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Without hesitation, Ash blurted out, “‘Stairway to Heaven’.” “Oh, Ash,” said Maddie. “That one’s so long! Give Josh a break.” But Josh shook his head. “That’s okay. I’m in the mood.” He tossed her a sidelong glance. “But only if I have company.” She blinked in surprise. “The flute? I haven’t picked that up in almost a year.” “Then it’s high time you dusted it off, my sweet.” “Please, Mom! You never play rock and roll.” It was true. Classical was her music of choice. While she enjoyed listening to everything from pop to jazz to rock—and had a particular weakness for the music of Josh Morell—when it came to her own talents, she preferred to express herself through the highly complex and organized measures of the masters. That was how she and Josh had met ten years ago. She had been hired by his parents to teach him classical guitar. He had taken to it like chocolate to strawberries, adapting to the complex finger work and elaborate chords with ease and finesse. But in the end it was the grit and passion of rock and roll that stole his heart. Not that he ever complained about his time under her tutelage. Those four years had been an extraordinary experience for them both, and had cultivated his talent in a way that made his rock-and-roll riffs all the more intricate and exciting. All the more passionate. And of course, it had led to this wonderful friendship. She frowned, considering as her hands turned pruney in the potato water. “I don’t know. I should get dinner started.” Josh cocked an eyebrow in that way that made the girls swoon. “I’ll give you a neck rub after dessert.” “Sold!” Laughing, she dried her hands and headed to the bedroom to find her flute among the stacks of brass and woodwind instruments she kept. A moment later she returned and sat across from Josh. “Don’t you need sheet music?” He frowned, balanced the guitar on his knee. “You’re hilarious.” And a moment later he began plucking the thoughtful introduction to the piece. Each note was a song in itself, the textures a hypnotic mix of the sweet and the sultry. Riveted, she almost missed her cue, but managed to join in on time and add the high, crystalline harmonies of her flute to the mix. When her part broke to allow him to sing, she enjoyed watching his long, clever fingers work their way up and down the neck of the instrument. And she thrilled to the shivers that skittered up and down as his smoke-‘n-honey voice echoed through the open spaces of the loft. And she watched her son. Ash was no less riveted by Josh’s talent. He sat on the floor, legs crossed, chin propped on his hands, absolutely riveted by the performance of his hero.
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He had a good one, she thought. In the absence of an actual father, she could have done far worse than a young rock and roller with a big heart and an even bigger talent, as a role model for her son. The last notes hung in the air, drifting softly as if considering taking flight, when at last Ash broke the mood with his enthusiastic applause. “Thank you,” said Josh, bowing. “Thank you very much.” “Elvis you’re not.” She replaced her flute in its case and closed the lid. She tossed him a look over her shoulder. “And I thank God for that every day.” He laughed. “More!” pleaded Ash. “‘American Pie’!” Josh grimaced. “That’s enough, honey. You go play with Jeremy for a while and let me and Josh talk.” “But—” “No buts. You’ll have plenty of time with Josh at dinner and after. He promised to play cribbage if I’m not mistaken.” “But only if you promise to let me win this time,” added Josh. Ash sniffed. “What about my homework?” She merely gave him the look. “Oh, all right.” Shoulders drooping he headed to the door, slipping into his runners and tossing one last long-faced glance at Josh before he disappeared into the hallway and left them—finally—alone. Maddie marched into the kitchen and dug back into the potatoes. “Okay, spill it.” Josh hitched a hip on a stool and propped his elbows on the counter. “Hey, did you get a haircut? I like it. Short and spunky.” “That’s me. Spunky to the core. I’m even kind of short without my stilettos. Now stop stalling and tell me what happened with Constance.” “I’m not sure that’s any of your business.” Another look from Maddie told him he was being ridiculous. They talked about things—everything. Their families, their passions, their sex lives, it didn’t matter. They had never withheld anything from each other, and it was ridiculous to think they would start now. Her gaze softened. “That bad, eh?” “Worse.” She peeled and let him work his way up to telling her. By the time he was finished, she had finished as well. She dropped the last potato into the water and set the pot onto the burner to heat. “It’s for the best, you know,” she said after she’d checked and basted the roast. “Constance was a…an act of desperation.” 11
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“Huh?” She rounded the island, grabbed his hand and led him back to the couch. They sat down side by side and she grasped his hands in hers. “Constance was…safe. She was someone from back home. Someone you had a pre-fab history with and you thought that meant you automatically had a lot in common.” “We did!” “No. You didn’t.” She traced his knuckles, marveling at the wonders those hands were capable of. “To be blunt, Josh, Constance was a bit of an airhead. She had absolutely no depth.” “Some men like airheads.” She tamped down the urge to laugh. “Maybe so, but not you. You need someone smart and sassy. Someone with the intelligence and confidence to challenge you, and the sense of humor that will allow her to not take you too seriously. Someone who can appreciate you and your music fully. Whose passions mirror your own.” Suddenly he ripped his hands from hers, stood and paced to the far side of the room. “But I’ve dated so many women, Maddie. So many. And it never works out. I always seem to sabotage it somehow, and I don’t know why. Constance was different than the others. I thought maybe…” “You just haven’t met the right one yet. Give it time. Give her time to find you. In the meantime, you’re having a love affair with your music. Enjoy that. And enjoy the wonder of writing your own music. You’re so much more than a cover artist. You need to work more on your own album. You have no idea how lucky you are to have that talent. That passion.” He stuffed his hands in his pockets and said softly, “My music can’t make me pot roast.” Sensing trouble, she stood. “Josh.” The word was a warning, but he didn’t heed it. “You know who you just described, don’t you?” She turned and headed back to the kitchen. She needed to start the salad. “You described yourself.” She pulled out the greens. “Don’t be ridiculous.” “Are you kidding? Smart and sassy. Someone who challenges me. Someone with a passion for music.” He grabbed her arm and whirled her to face him. “The sexiest woman I know and someone I am incredibly attracted to.” He was looking down on her with those incredible blue eyes, and touching her bare arms with those long, sensual fingers. “Please, Josh,” she breathed. “Please don’t.” “Why not, Maddie?” “You know why.” “None of your reasons matter anymore. Your husband is gone. I’m not your student anymore.”
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“You’re still too young.” “I’m twenty-seven. You’re thirty-eight. We’re both adults. Who the hell cares?” His lips were a breath from hers, and she wanted them. She wanted him so badly she could taste it. But he was her friend, and she was so worried about jeopardizing what they shared. Of complicating it. And what of Ash? He would be crushed if things didn’t work out and suddenly Josh was no longer in their lives. Sex did that. It complicated things. It made friends into lovers. And then it made them into enemies. She couldn’t risk it. She couldn’t risk him. Perhaps reading her hesitation as acquiescence, Josh bent his head and kissed her. Oh God, it was sweet. Soft and sensuous and thick with years worth of trust and sharing. He tasted of cinnamon gum and the popcorn he perpetually snacked on. She wanted to taste more. His tongue slipped past her lips, he groaned with pleasure—and she wanted to swallow him whole. They’d kissed twice before. Once after her husband left and she was emotional and distraught. And once when Josh got his first paying gig and they’d had too much champagne. She had wanted him then too. She’d wanted him badly. But that paled in comparison to this. His embrace tightened. He pressed his body more firmly to hers, deepened the kiss—and it just about killed her to push him away. She stumbled back, reaching out a hand to stop herself from ramming into the counter. They were both breathless and she noticed that his face glistened with a fine sheen of sweat. He was also, obviously, having no trouble in the arousal department. His erection was painfully obvious beneath the very tight confines of his jeans. “Why?” was all he could say, and the pleading note in his voice cut her. “I don’t understand why.” “I just can’t,” she whispered, battling tears. “Please, can we leave it at that and have a nice dinner?” He stared at her, his chest heaving and his knuckles whitening as he gripped his hands into tight fists of frustration. But at last he just looked away and said, “Okay.” He nodded. “I’m sorry.” “No need to apologize.” “Whatever.” He found his way to the stool and sat down heavily. “Can we just talk about something else?” “Sure.” She began shredding lettuce into a bowl and wished her hands would stop shaking. “What’s happening with the auditions? Have you found a new drummer yet?” “Hopefully Monday. I have three guys coming in, and a couple of them look really promising.” “Good. Good. Don’t settle for anything but the best, Josh.” She stilled her hands and met his gaze. “You deserve the best.” 13
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“Yes,” he said softly, his gaze riveted to hers. “Yes, I do.”
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Chapter Three Josh tried to focus on the deep bass beat and the syncopated rhythms that the current prospect was belting out. He had chosen to play “Wipeout” by the Safaris. Brilliant choice. Fucking original. Truth was he was doing a decent job of it, just not decent enough to keep Josh’s mind off the honey-blonde sprite with the brilliant green eyes, the size-nothing waist and the size-two-thousand smile. Swear to God, with that new spiky haircut and wearing that pale blue bit of flounce on top of those skintight jeans, Maddie had looked like a pixie. Just like the Blue Fairy from Pinocchio. Only prettier. And a hell of a lot sexier. Hard to believe she actually stressed over her thighs being too big. But that was how she was. She never sweated the big stuff, but stressed over the little things. Like cellulite and stretch marks. And him. “Josh! Hey, man! Wake up!” “Huh?” Stacey, his manager, rolled her eyes at him from the other side of the club they were using for rehearsals this week. It was small and dark, but it had a stage and a good sound system, and the club owner was a friend and big fan of Shiver. And he had a thing for Stacey so she took advantage of it. Funny, Josh thought. Physically Stacey was Maddie’s antithesis. Almost six feet tall, muscular and athletic with long black hair and big black eyes. But in every other way she and Maddie might have been twins. They were both smart and sassy, both passionate about music, and both had a knack for seeing through his crap. He might even have considered dating Stacey…if she hadn’t been a dyed-in-the-wool, verging on militant, lesbian in a committed relationship with a dancer from the National Ballet company. They were getting married in the fall. Wow. Stacey spoke very slowly, as if speaking to a child. “Do. You. Like. This. Drummer?” Still not quite reintegrated into the land of the living, he spoke off the cuff and with absolute candor. “Nah. He sucks. I liked the first guy. Johnny. Call him back.” Stacey’s eyebrows arched and she nodded in approval. “All right then. Call in Johnny.” “Hold everything, sweets. Sorry I’m late, but I’m here now.” Josh whirled in his seat to find the source of the deep, booming announcement.
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He strode into the room, his long legs eating up the distance like a giraffe loping across the Sahara. He was tall, beating Josh’s five-eleven by at least three inches if not more. His hair stuck out at a variety of stiffly gelled angles from his head, its bleachblond color a stark contrast to the deep, golden tan of his face. His shoulders were broader than Josh’s, his build heavier. With his board-flat belly and tight-ass jeans, he cut an imposing figure. The kind of guy who made a chick stand up and take notice. Hell, he’d make anybody sit up and take notice. He screamed out “rocker”. Stacey gave him the once-over. “Uh, I don’t have anyone else on my list. You’re a drummer?” “No.” He took the stage in one impressive leap. “I’m a guitarist.” Stacey did another of her famous eye rolls, and Davey, Shiver’s bass player who was sitting beside Josh, nudged him in the ribs and whispered, “Get a load of this guy, eh? Aussie asshole. Might need security.” Josh called out, “We don’t need another guitarist!” But the intruder was already strapping on Josh’s Les Paul and flipping the switch for the amp. “I’ve heard you play, mate. You most certainly do.” Josh erupted from his seat, but the words died on his tongue the moment the stranger started to play. He launched into a rendition of “Sweet Emotion” that made Josh’s fingers tingle. It was gritty and intricate—and good. Damn good. It would have made even the arrogant Joe Perry sit up and take notice. The notes pulsed through the air and reverberated in his gut. Josh’s foot began to tap and just when he had settled back into his seat and had eased into the music like a pair of well-worn jeans—it changed. He changed the beat and tempo, shifting seamlessly into the sultry Latin rhythms of “Oye Como Va”. Surprised and impressed, Josh sat forward and braced his elbows on his knees as he watched intently. He watched fingers dance up and down the neck of the guitar, was sure he could feel a hot Spanish breeze on the back of his neck and smell the sensual perfume of a Brazilian señorita. “Fuck,” he breathed, leaning back once again. “Yeah, man,” agreed Davey, his breath coming out in a whoosh. “Exactly.” Josh tossed an arched eyebrow his way, but his head snapped forward once again when he heard the final melodious tones of the solo from “Let It Be”. He almost laughed at the ludicrousness of putting those three songs together. It wasn’t exactly a medley for the masses, but it certainly proved a point. This guy could play. He strummed the last chord and the notes hung in the air, filling the room before gradually fading away. Leaving behind a weighty silence—and a strange sense of expectation.
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Stacey cleared her throat. “Well. Uh…that was certainly…interesting. However the fact remains that we don’t—” “Hang on, Stace.” Josh erupted from his seat and approached the stage. To the mysterious guitarist he said, “What’s your name?” The guy’s grin was cocky and knowing. “You liked it, didn’t you, mate?” His Aussie accent was thick and disconcertingly charming. “I asked you your name.” “Josh?” Stacey stood next to him. “What are you doing?” “I don’t know yet.” And he didn’t. He had no idea what he was going to do with this arrogant prick who had dared to challenge him and his abilities. All he did know was that he couldn’t allow that kind of talent to walk out the door without at least exploring the possibilities. “Dawson’s me name,” replied the Aussie Wunderkind. “Dawson Kidd.” “Josh!” Stacey threw up her hands in frustration. “I need to know what you’re thinking. Where are you going—” “Lunch.” “Huh?” “You. Go to lunch, and take the guys with you.” He couldn’t seem to drag his eyes away from Dawson. “My treat.” She frowned, hesitating. “I just need some time with the Kidd, here. We have things to…discuss.” Stacey studied him for a long moment, and he knew exactly what she was thinking. She was thinking, What the hell is going on? This isn’t Josh. Josh wasn’t rash or spontaneous. Oh, he would pick up and go party at a moment’s notice. Drop a wad on a hat that he just happened to see in a store window and fall in love with. Jump into a pool with all his clothes on—or none at all—if the mood struck him. But when it came to his music and his band, Josh was meticulous. He planned and calculated. He bided his time, took everything into consideration before making a decision. His music was his life and he took it seriously. Hell, choosing drummers for these auditions had taken weeks. Small wonder Stacey was a bit off balance, what with his hasty decision in that department—and now this. Maybe it was what had happened with Constance. Or maybe the incident with Maddie. Whatever the reason, he was suddenly restless. Suddenly eager to move, do something. Go somewhere. And maybe this Dawson Kidd could show him the way. “Well?” he asked Stacey. “You goin’ or what?” She shook her head in wonder. “Okay, Davey. Okay, guys!” she yelled to the two members of the sound and light crew who had been fiddling backstage but who had
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poked their heads out on the first riff of “Sweet Emotion”. “You heard the man. Let’s go!” “You gonna call Johnny?” he called as they headed for the door. “I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that!” He chuckled. “Don’t call me Kidd.” “What?” Dawson Kidd had set the Les Paul back in its stand. Sweat glistened on his face and his eyes were still bright with rock-and-roll fever. “My last name. I’m twenty-five. I don’t like to be called Kidd.” “Right. Gotcha. Sorry.” “Especially if we’re gonna be working together.” “Whoa.” Josh swung himself up onto the stage. “Nobody said we were working together. Yet.” “But you said—” “What did you mean?” He reached for his old standby. He’d have to wipe off sweat and tune it all over again. He looped the strap over his shoulder and turned a critical eye on his cohort. “Huh? When?” “What did you mean when you said I needed another guitar player?” “Don’t get me wrong, mate. You’ve got a great sound. You’re one of the best or I wouldn’t be here.” “I thought you were the best.” “Nuh-uh. I’m good, but you’re better.” Not sure whether it was sincere, or flattery aimed at getting him into the band, Josh shifted gears. “Okay, whatever. Forget the crap and get to the point.” “You’re good, but you’re stagnating. You need…more somehow.” He stepped forward, suddenly eager. “Just look at Aerosmith. They had Perry and Whitford and together those two rocked. You need that. You need somebody to…play off. To give you new perspectives. To fill out your sound.” He shook his head, obviously searching. He snapped his fingers. “To challenge you, man. You need somebody to challenge you.” Josh stared at him in awe, not quite believing what he’d just heard. “And vocals. You’ve got a ripper set of pipes there, but you need another guitar to back you up. Christ! You can’t do it all yourself.” Josh stared at him—hard. And for the first time he saw a hint of uncertainty flicker in the other man’s eyes. Dawson shrugged, and he lowered his eyes. “You’re good, but you can’t do it all yourself.”
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Josh considered for about a millisecond before testing his instrument with a Cchord. “There’s another one in the wings. To my left I think.” “Another one?” “Yeah. Another guitar. Get it.” Dawson started off in the direction Josh had indicated, but then he stopped. “Huh? Why?” “Because, mate, you and me are gonna jam.”
***** Maddie slid a Smokey Robinson CD into the player, cranked up the volume and stepped into the shower. She reached for her favorite lily of the valley scented body wash and breathed deep the scent of spring. She’d had a disconcerting start that day. She’d slept through her alarm and had awoken to Ash anxiously shaking her shoulder. “Wake up, Mom! Where’s my lunch? I need my lunch.” She’d lurched out of bed, disoriented and disheveled, and had thrown together a pre-fab lunch that would have made her mother shudder. But Ash had gotten out the door on time and she’d finally had a chance to sit down and take a break with an enormous mug of caffeine. Although she had a couple of appointments in the afternoon, she had no lessons until that evening, and considering the rude nature of her awakening, she had decided to take it easy, listen to music and maybe even watch a few morning talk shows. Coffee and croissant right at hand, she had flicked through the stations and tried to find something to take her mind off…him. “Shit,” she said aloud. There he was again, creeping into her mind like a weed intent on taking over the entire garden. But what a beautiful weed he was. She sighed, working some fragrant lather across her shoulders and down over her breasts. Ever since their little encounter in the kitchen she’d been unable to think of anything else for more than ten minutes. Their last kiss had been three years ago, and although in the eyes of society he had been a man, in many ways—to her—he’d remained a boy. But now… Now he was a man. Physically he’d filled out. His body was hard and strong and his face had developed some character. And emotionally he’d matured. His music reflected it. His insights, his self-awareness. Not to mention his awareness of her. God, the way he looked at her sometimes. The way she’d caught him looking at her during their cribbage game that evening. A look that said he wanted to eat her up, to
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kiss her, touch her, do things to her. A look that made her nipples tingle with awareness and her fingers twitch with the need to touch him. This chemistry between them was new, and she wasn’t sure how to handle it. She’d always been strong about keeping their friendship platonic. Always had her hard-andfast reasons. Why was it those reasons didn’t seem so hard anymore? Why was she having such trouble holding fast to her ideals? What she wanted to hold fast to was him. Every hard, lanky, succulent inch of him. She skimmed her hands down her belly and found herself dreaming of what it would feel like to have those long, clever fingers touch her there. To feel him grasp her hips and pull her close. The gentle glide of his hands coasting over her belly and down to touch her most sensitive center. Her shoulders massaged by the shower and her hands slippery with lather, she allowed her fingers to explore her pussy. She imagined Josh’s hands on her, touching, massaging. Slipping deep inside her. His lips on hers, just like they’d been on Friday night. Sensual and sweet, yet firm and commanding. She groaned softly at the memory of how his cock had pressed against her. At the blatant evidence of his desire, and his manhood. A manhood she could no longer deny. And was no longer sure she wanted to. Oh, to feel him slide inside her. His body pumping over her, his back slick with sweat, his blue eyes full of desire. And hers brimming with trust. Josh was the only man she’d trusted in years. Ever since her husband betrayed her and fled his family with a younger woman, she’d shied away from any kind of serious relationship. Had assumed that every man she met was as immature and unreliable as the man who had promised in front of a minister that he’d love her forever. And maybe that was part of her hesitation too. If she hooked up with a younger man, wouldn’t that make her like him? No better than the man who had betrayed her and abandoned his son? Josh wasn’t like that. Josh had been a fixture in her life for years. He knew her inside and out, good and bad, strengths and weaknesses. He knew how to give, knew how to be a friend, how to be a man. And damn, if he didn’t know how to kiss. And with the memory of his lips on hers, and the fantasy of feeling his chest pressed to her naked breasts, his cock buried deep inside her and his arms wrapped hard around her, she massaged her clit to climax. She came amidst water droplets and steam and the silky tones of Smokey Robinson. Heart pumping and lungs bursting, she opened her eyes and turned her face to the spray. “Damn it,” she murmured as the water washed away the soap and suds and evidence of her desire. “What the hell am I going to do?”
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***** “Like this?” “No. Faster.” Notes spilled into the atmosphere at an astonishing rate. A fountain of sound. “Oh yeah, baby. That’s it.” “Sweet.” They laughed. “But that riff wasn’t right. Tighten it up. Maybe a tad lower.” “Here?” “Yeah. Yeah.” A chord. A lick. Fingers dancing up and down the strings. The sound of two guitars—two incredible gifts—intertwining to build the kind of music that made the earth shudder. “Harder, man. Make that thing scream like a woman.” And damn if the guitar didn’t feel like a sexual entity beneath Josh’s hands. Sensual. Yielding. It was putty in his hands, doing his bidding before he even knew what his bidding was. Somewhere along the way the music had seduced him. Sparked desire and stoked passion. He was creating something new and fresh and exciting. And somehow it was all…better now. Bigger. More real. Dawson’s style was rougher than his. Grittier. And it made him push harder, look further. He was suddenly able to step outside this box that he’d built for himself. And he hadn’t even realized he was inside it until today. The music swelled, built, grew. Until Josh felt like he was going to burst. And then they both backed off. Instinctively reading each other in a way that was astounding. And spooky. The notes grew lighter, longer and sweeter until at last they faded away into nothing. Leaving behind two men who could do nothing more than stare at each other in wonder. Sweat had stuck Dawson’s shirt to his chest. His face was red with exertion, his chest heaving. “Holy shit,” he breathed into the silence. “What was that?” “I don’t know. But it was fucking awesome. I almost came!” Dawson laughed. “Yeah. Awesome. Yeah, it was.” He didn’t say anything else. And neither did Josh. Very slowly they both lost their smiles, an odd silence settling over them as they stood there—looking at each other. The silence was filled with tension, electricity. The air between them crackled with it and Josh’s breathing accelerated all over again. He felt as if a rope had been looped around him and someone was drawing it tight. Pulling him closer…closer…closer to—
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“Hey, Josh.” Feeling as if he’d been caught with his hand deep in some forbidden cookie jar, Josh whirled at the sound of Stacey’s voice. She was already standing at the foot of the stage, staring up at him with those big, black, incisive eyes. He hadn’t heard her come in, hadn’t noticed the guys following along behind her. “Whatcha doing?” she asked. Was he imagining it, or did her voice sound suspicious? “Nothing.” He turned away, swung his guitar off his shoulder and put it back in its stand. “Nothing? We’ve been gone an hour and a half, and you’ve been doing nothing?” “Yeah. No. I mean—” He shook his head, glanced at Dawson who looked just as off balance as Josh felt. “We’ve been jamming,” supplied Dawson. “And doing a damn good job of it too.” His grin was infectious. “Yeah!” Josh hopped off the stage and grabbed Stacey by the shoulders, excitement suddenly displacing confusion. “It was this tune that’s been kind of running through my head for weeks, but it never felt right.” He glanced back at Dawson. “Until now. The second guitar made it.” “You bet! It was ace, mate. Ace!” Josh laughed, thoroughly enjoying Dawson’s accent and unique turn of phrase. “Well, that’s great, Josh.” Stacey was beaming. “Can we hear it?” That took him by surprise. “Oh. No. Not yet.” “We need to get this down on paper, wouldn’t you say, Josh?” asked Dawson. “Polish it up while it’s still fresh.” “And lyrics. We need to write lyrics.” “Oh, I don’t know. Words ain’t my thing.” “Fuck that. You and I got a rhythm, man. We’ve got magic. We gotta—” Stacey’s whistle jarred him back to the real world. Once again he’d forgotten they weren’t alone. She was laughing. “Okay, why don’t you do that?” “Do what?” “Oh, for chrissake. Take Dawson here, go get something to eat because I know you’ve probably had nothing but popcorn and coffee all day, and go finish this baby so we can make a million.” “A million?” Dawson hopped down off the stage. “Do you really think?” “I don’t know. Maybe.” She focused on Josh. “Now go. Go make magic.”
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But Josh hesitated. “But we’ve got a gig on Saturday. We should rehearse.” Gigs were his bread and butter. They mattered. “Are you kidding? You can be ready in two days if you have to be. This is more important.” She glanced at Dawson. “Take all the time you need.” He glanced at the stage. “My gear.” “You’ve got four other guitars, Josh. I’ll look after Bessie. You can pick her up later.” “What about the drummer?” “I’ll look after it. He can rehearse with Davey. We’ll make sure he’s ready.” “But—” “No buts. Now go!” Dawson grasped his upper arm. “Yeah, man. Let’s go. I’m starving.” “Oh…okay.” He allowed Dawson to urge him toward the door. “How about we grab a pizza?” “And beer?” asked Dawson, hopeful. “I think we deserve a celebration.” “You bet, baby.” He wrapped his arm around Dawson’s shoulders as they strode out of the club. “We definitely need to celebrate.” Stacey watched them go—and remembered… Very softly she whispered, “Jesus, God. He’s a goner.” “Huh?” asked Davey who had sneaked up behind her. “Nothing. Now let’s go find that drummer and break him in before the master’s return.” “Master.” He snorted. “Right.” “You bet I’m right,” she snarled. “And don’t you ever forget it.” She chuckled as Davey gave her a fearful look and slunk away. Damn, he was young. And if he lost about thirty pounds and combed his hair once in a while, he might even land a girlfriend. On a sigh, she glanced back at the doors that were just swinging shut behind two of the sexiest men she’d ever laid eyes on. “Yup. Definitely a goner.”
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Chapter Four Maddie was in a daze. She’d been wandering around the city for the past hour, trying to assimilate what she’d just learned. Trying to make sense of it. Trying to understand what it meant—for her, for her students, for her family. For her son. Ash. She had so many decisions to make, things to look after, places to go. She felt overwhelmed more than anything. Overwhelmed and numb. Everything had changed. Everything was going to change. But life was all about change, wasn’t it? For better or worse, there was nothing more consistent in life than change. Her mother. She should really talk to her mother. They hadn’t spoken in over a month, but not because there was anything between them, or anything wrong. It was just because their lives were busy, and because her mother lived on the other side of the country. Sometimes she really missed her mother. She missed her fiery, independent spirit. Maddie took after her that way. They shared so much, had been so close growing up. She wanted to talk to her now. And her sister. Her sister lived so far away. She’d just spoken to her sister, but she had an odd urge to call her again, to hear her voice. This was all about family, after all. Family was what mattered. Her cell phone rang, startling her out of her reverie. Feeling oddly detached she picked it up and looked at the incoming number. “Josh,” she whispered, suddenly fighting tears. Josh was her family too. Perhaps more so than anyone. What would she say to Josh? How would he take it? But that was a ridiculous question. He’d be upset. He’d be devastated. But what could she do? She had so little choice in the matter. It was like the fates had suddenly ganged up on her and said, “This is the way it is, Maddie. Deal with it.” The phone kept ringing, and she couldn’t bring herself to open it up. Couldn’t bring herself to talk to him. Not now. Not yet. She needed to figure out what to say. And God, she had to figure out what to do.
***** “Damn.” Disappointed, Josh flipped his phone closed. “She not there?” asked Dawson, his mouth full of moo goo gai pan. They’d happened past a Chinese takeout place and had decided the celebration warranted something more original than pizza. They’d gotten a huge takeout order and hightailed it to Dawson’s apartment since it was closer. It was small and cluttered, but functional. He had two guitars, and a “ripper” amp, according to Dawson, so they were set. 24
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“No.” He frowned at the phone. She’d probably left it home when she went out to do her errands today. Damn it. He was excited about this, and he wanted to talk to her. “What kind of friend is she, anyway?” He popped a chicken ball into his mouth and reached for his beer. “A good friend. Very special.” Dawson paused, his chopsticks hovering over his plate. His eyebrows hovering in silent question. Josh laughed. “No, no. Not that kind of friend.” Then he lost his smile. “As much as I’d like her to be.” “Do I hear a thwarted love story in the making?” “No. It’s way too complicated, and I won’t bore you with it. We’re here to, as my manager pointed out, make magic.” He raised his bottle. “And celebrate a fantastic new song.” Dawson clinked his bottle against Josh’s. “And a new creative partnership?” “Maybe. Let’s take this one step at a time, okay?” Dawson scooped up the last of his rice, popped the last chicken ball and picked up his plate, mumbling all the way to the sink. “You think too much.” “Huh?” He tossed his plate into the sink, and the chopsticks into the garbage. He turned, leaning his hips against the chipped Formica counter and crossing his arms. “You think too much. You’re too careful. You need to take chances, mate. Creative chances.” Josh leaned back in his chair, hooked his thumbs in his jean pockets. “You know me so well, do you?” “Uh-huh. I’ve been watching you for months. Asking around. Talking to people.” Josh was floored. Although he probably should have seen it coming. “You sound pretty calculating for an impulsive rocker from Oz.” “I just know what I want, mate.” He grinned. “And I know how to get it.” “And you want me.” Josh froze, realizing what he’d said too late. But it was already out there, and he couldn’t take it back. Dawson didn’t reply, just stood there looking as starstruck as Josh felt. Neither said anything for a moment. Somehow making light of it, or acknowledging it in any way at all, would make it bigger. And it was already big enough. It was an elephant sitting between them. Big and imposing and immovable. Of course Josh wanted Dawson—as a musician, guitarist, collaborator. And Dawson wanted him in exactly the same way. He hadn’t said anything wrong. So why did it feel as if he’d just tugged the tail of the elephant? Deciding to focus on the music, Josh leaned back in his chair and folded his arms. He gave Dawson a measured look. “So if you were so cocky. So confident. Had planned everything out so thoroughly…”
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Dawson frowned, obviously baffled by where Josh was going with this. “…why didn’t you bring one of your own guitars to the audition?” Josh had noticed two perfectly good pieces sitting in the corner. “Picking up my Les Paul was particularly ballsy, even for you. Not to mention stupid.” Where Josh would have expected Dawson to bristle at the insult, instead he dropped his gaze and shrugged. “You did amazing, considering it was a strange guitar, but why take the chance? I don’t get it.” “I forgot.” Josh wasn’t sure he’d heard him correctly. “What?” “I forgot, okay?” Dawson turned to the sink and rinsed his plate even though Josh had the distinct impression that was hardly his habit. “I was so anxious, so…pumped when I set off for the club to meet you, I was halfway there before I realized I hadn’t picked up my guitar.” He dropped the plate in the sink with a loud clatter. “By then it was too late. I knew if I turned back that was it. I’d never do it.” Josh was stunned. “You were that nervous?” Dawson turned to face him. “Yeah. I was shittin’ bricks, mate. This meant the world to me, and if it didn’t fly I didn’t know what I was gonna do.” “Wow. I…” He shrugged, had no idea what to say. He had not expected to hear that. It didn’t go with the hard-ass, I’m the king-of-rock-and-roll attitude he’d associated with Dawson Kidd. It surprised him. And it made his knees a little weak. “Wow.” He blew out a long, slow breath and nodded toward the guitars. “Well, speaking of guitars, we should get to work before we forget what we did at the club.” “Yeah. Definitely.” “You want another beer?” “Yeah. Definitely.” “Me too.” Dawson popped the caps on a couple of Molson Canadian and plopped a bottle down in front of Josh. “You need sheet music? Or do you use tabs?” He was referring to the two methods for recording music for guitar. Tablature referred to the more direct illustration of the notes, using a graphic representation of the fingers’ position on the actual strings and frets. Having been trained initially in classical guitar and piano, however, Josh preferred to use sheet music. A more traditional representation of notes on a staff. “Sheet.” “Figured.” “You got some?” “No, but I can print it off. Hang on a second. Computer’s in the bedroom. Why don’t you tune up while I’m gone?”
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“Good idea.” The apartment being about the size of a dime, it took Dawson approximately a nanosecond to head into the bedroom and come back out. Josh handed him the guitar when he returned and sat down at the card table that had been doubling as a dining room, with a pencil and the sheet music. He downed a huge swig of beer and they got to work. Time flew by. They fell into a rhythm easily. Dawson would play a few bars, asking Josh’s opinion on how close it was to what they’d done. Josh would either nod, agree it was good and write it down, or get up, grab the other guitar and they would work it out together before he continued recording the notes. The windows were open, but the apartment was small and although it was hardly sweltering outside, the heat built quickly. Before long they were both sweating but neither seemed to care. They laughed and they experimented, and they made music. And every once in a while, their eyes would meet in a moment of heightened awareness and it would slam into Josh’s gut like a truck. He didn’t understand it. Didn’t want to acknowledge it. So he would reach for his beer and down a half a bottle or so. And so would Dawson. They drank a lot of beer. Probably too much. But Josh didn’t want to stop, and he sure as hell didn’t want to leave. So he stayed and made magic. Dawson played an intricate set of licks and strummed the last chord. “There. Is that it?” “Yeah, man.” Josh scribbled furiously. “That’s it.” He finished off the last few notes, and sat back, wet with sweat and beaming with pride. “Beautiful, man. Gorgeous.” “Okay then, your gorgeous-ness.” He nodded toward the other instrument. “Let’s rock this joint!” Not needing a second invitation, Josh leapt from his seat and grabbed the other guitar. He set out the music, which neither of them really needed anymore, and they dug deep into the song, wailing on those guitars in a way that was sure to have the neighbors bitching at them later. They faced each other, synchronizing and feeding off each other as the music screamed from their souls. Damn, it sounded fine. They strummed the final chord, and stood motionless as the sound hung in the air and echoed in their ears. They were breathing hard from the exertion and grinning like fools, looking at each other in awe. “That was a rush,” breathed Dawson, his eyes locked to Josh’s. “Yeah. Incredible.” Neither moved. Their smiles gradually fell away.
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Josh’s feet felt like they were rooted to the floor, grounded there by an electrical current that had his blood humming. He couldn’t drag his eyes away. “We should start on lyrics.” His voice sounded tight, unnatural. “Yeah. Lyrics.” But neither moved away. Rather they drew closer, that invisible tether was back and growing tighter by the moment. Josh’s chest constricted. He couldn’t seem to draw breath and the world seemed to recede around him. All he could see was Dawson. All he could feel was a strange and undeniable need. When they kissed he couldn’t say who had kissed whom first. It just happened, as effortless and unavoidable as breathing. As satisfying as taking a cool drink on a hot day. As fiery as brandy sliding down the throat. There was nothing gentle about the kiss. Nothing hesitant. It was as if he’d taken a step off a cliff and the abyss had claimed him. He fell willingly. He pressed harder, pushed deeper, the kiss a fierce expression of the passion that had suddenly sprung to life inside him. Dawson’s mouth was as greedy as his, his tongue just as eager. Only when their guitars clashed together did they part, and even then it was an act of necessity rather than choice. The instruments clattered to the ground and were kicked carelessly aside, allowing the gap between the two men to close. They collided, chest to chest, but Josh’s advance was stalled by Dawson’s hands bracketing his jaws. “Hold on a second. Just…hold on.” He sucked in a breath, and then another. His fevered eyes raked over Josh’s face, as if he couldn’t get enough. As if he couldn’t quite believe what he was seeing. “Jesus.” He sealed his mouth to Josh’s again, the ferocity now tempered with sensuality. It was if he were tasting Josh for the first time. Sampling. Savoring. Josh closed his eyes and gave himself over to it, allowing Dawson to take the lead, assume control. A soft groan welled up in his chest and his hands fisted in Dawson’s Tshirt. He was suddenly overcome with the urge to feel the other man’s skin beneath his fingers. He grappled with the material and a moment later both shirts had been flung to the floor. Dawson’s pecs were well-defined, his biceps straining against the skin. Josh succumbed to the urge to run his flattened palms over Dawson’s sweat-damp chest, up over his shoulders and down his arms. Abruptly Dawson let out a soft growl, grabbed Josh’s wrists and pressed Josh’s hands to his sides as he drew him in for another hungry kiss. Their chests ground together, and for the first time Josh felt the ridge of Dawson’s arousal through his jeans. Suddenly the two layers of denim seemed intolerable.
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He tried to raise his hands to reach for the snap on Dawson’s jeans but Dawson’s grip merely tightened. He dragged his mouth away, drawing Josh’s lip gently through his teeth as he did so. He said nothing, but the message in his eyes was unmistakable. A warning. A command. Josh’s skin shivered with awareness. His cock throbbed against the confines of his jeans, and begged for release, but he didn’t move his hands. He kept his body absolutely still, only allowing his eyes to close and his head to loll to the side when Dawson’s mouth coasted down the side of Josh’s throat and his teeth raked across his shoulder. The echo of their labored breathing seemed to resonate through the room, adding a sense of urgency—or perhaps desperation—to the already explosive atmosphere. “Fuck,” murmured Josh when Dawson’s tongue lapped at the sweat along his jaw. And then a much louder “Fuck!” when Dawson’s hand slipped inside his jeans and touched his cock. He might have staggered backward if not for the fierce grip Dawson still maintained on Josh’s right wrist. Dawson kissed him again, his fingers wrapping around Josh’s cock, before he whispered, “I wanna fuck you, man.” He kissed him again, stroked the tip of Josh’s penis. “You want me to fuck you?” “Christ.” Josh could barely breathe. Why couldn’t he breathe? “Yeah.” Dawson whirled, dragging Josh along with him as he stumbled the few steps to the bedroom. The early evening sunshine streamed in through curtainless windows, falling across the bed that was a mess of tangled sheets with one lone pillow. Clothes, sheet music and paperback books littered the floor, and a lamp in the form of Casper the Friendly Ghost adorned the nightstand. He barely had time to grin at the incongruity however, before Dawson had undone his jeans and pushed them over his hips to the floor. His own jeans and underwear followed, leaving them both nude. “Fuck, you’re gorgeous.” Dawson’s hands were everywhere at once. Coasting over Josh’s shoulders, chest, abs. They were hot and eager. Nothing delicate or tentative about this touch. And certainly nothing uncertain when he dropped to his knees, grabbed Josh by the hips and took Josh’s rigid cock into his mouth. The move surprised Josh. And thrilled him. “But I thought—” “Not yet.” Dawson ran his tongue around the sensitive tip, the slow, intimate indulgence of it making Josh’s knees weak. “I need to taste you first.” Josh’s words of acquiescence were lost on a sigh of pleasure. Dawson’s mouth was hot and surprisingly talented. The touch delicate one moment, hard and possessive the next. He took him deep—deeper than any woman had ever managed, and Josh had to sink his fingers into Dawson’s hair to give himself some stability in the face of such an onslaught.
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He was close—so close—to coming, and about to say so when suddenly Dawson was gone. “Christ.” Dawson grinned down at him, his hands sneaking around Josh’s waist, his fingers digging into the muscles of his ass. “I was right.” Dawson’s chest felt so hard and hot against his. So did his cock, rubbing against Josh’s. His mouth was a breath away and Josh wanted it again. “About what?” “You taste amazing.” And as if to prove a point he crushed Josh’s mouth beneath his once again. Josh fell into that kiss, languished in it. Savored every thrust of tongue, every low, vibrating moan. But when Dawson tugged him in even tighter and quickly licked his finger before slipping his hand in to explore the edges of Josh’s anus, he tensed. Dawson eased the finger inside and Josh’s breath stalled in his chest. “Easy, mate,” said Dawson, pressing deeper, his breath warm on Josh’s face. His cock thick against Josh’s belly. “Easy.” Josh closed his eyes and breathed, soaking in the feeling of Dawson’s firm flesh against his own. The feeling of being so completely desired. So absolutely in sync. His hand slid between them to find Dawson’s cock. It was thick and hard, and strangely exciting. He wrapped his fingers around it and was gratified by the low moan that vibrated through Dawson’s chest. Dawson’s mouth closed on his again and his free hand found Josh’s cock. They kissed as he continued to work his finger in and out of Josh’s ass and they massaged each other’s erections. The assault on his senses was intense and overwhelming. At first he tensed against it, his body uncertain how to cope with it all. But then he found himself easing into it. Or perhaps, falling into it expressed it better. It felt so natural, his desire so intense. He found he no longer felt the need to fight it. He couldn’t have fought it if he wanted to. He let go, allowing the sensations to wash over him and giving him the odd impression that he was melting into Dawson. Or allowing Dawson to melt into him. “Christ,” growled Dawson, his fingers deep in Josh’s ass. “I think you’re ready.” Unable to speak, Josh nodded. “Get on the bed.” Dawson’s whisper was harsh, strained. He withdrew from Josh and Josh was vaguely aware of him opening a drawer somewhere. “On your knees. Brace your hands on the headboard.” By the time Josh had found the position, Dawson had crawled on the bed behind him. He skimmed his hands up and down Josh’s back and cupped his buttocks. Suddenly he gripped Josh’s cheeks and spread them. Josh was startled to feel Dawson’s tongue on his anus. The contact sent a fresh surge of blood to his cock and he pushed his hips backward, assuring his partner he enjoyed his touch. That he wanted more. 30
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Dawson’s tongue laved his balls and then darted inside the opening—and Josh thought he’d explode. But that was nothing compared to the fire that raged through him at the first touch of the tip of Dawson’s cock. It was slick with the lube that Dawson must have retrieved from that drawer, and it slid inside easily. Josh didn’t tense or resist at the strangeness of the sensations. Rather he breathed a sigh of relief. As if he’d been waiting for this all his life. His grip on the headboard tightened and he pressed his hips backward, urging Dawson to penetrate farther. He cried out when Dawson’s hand reached around to grip his cock as he eased inside, withdrew. Thrust again. The smell of sweat and sex permeated the air. Soft expletives drifted from both men as their arousal heightened to the point of pain. The internal pressure from Dawson’s cock added a dimension to his arousal that Josh had never experienced before. He sensed an increased urgency to Dawson’s thrusts. They fell into a desperate, quickening rhythm and Josh felt his own climax build from deep inside. It spread to his balls and exploded out of him. His cum splattered across the wooden headboard. His cry echoed in his ears like a klaxon. Dawson came in a final, brutal thrust, and the echoes of his cry mingled with Josh’s. They collapsed on the mattress in a heap of sweaty skin, tangled limbs and starving lungs. Too hot to bear being that close, they dragged themselves apart far enough to be able to look at each other in bleary-eyed wonder. “Holy fuck,” breathed Josh. Dawson frowned and shook his head slightly. “Have you done this before?” Josh’s eyes were drifting shut and he didn’t have the energy to wonder why Dawson was asking him that. “No. Never.” Dawson’s soft whisper of “Holy shit” was the last thing he heard as he drifted toward exhausted sleep. The possessive touch of Dawson’s hand on his arm was the last thing he felt.
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Chapter Five Dawson woke with a start. His eyes flew open and he sat bolt upright in bed. His eyes darted rapidly around the room, but it was dark and he was disoriented. It took several minutes for him to remember where he was. He checked the clock—10:53—and remembered what had happened. “Josh?” he said softly, feeling his way across the bed. But he found no other warm body tangled in the sheets. He felt his way to the nightstand and flicked on his Casper lamp before crawling to the end of the bed and checking the floor. “Fuck,” he muttered. Josh’s jeans were gone. “Josh!” he called more loudly this time, hoping against hope that the other man was in the next room getting a beer. Or maybe taking a piss. But there was no reply. And there was no sound of water running in the shower. He didn’t call again. The apartment was too small for Josh to be there and not have heard him. Resigned, and suddenly feeling more alone than he had in months, he flopped back onto his pillow and stared at the ceiling. Josh. When he had seen Josh on stage for the first time four months ago, he’d been instantly captivated. Not by Josh the man, but by Josh Morell, the musician. His style, his talent, his presence—all of it—had knocked Dawson’s socks off, and he’d known instantly that he had to work with this man. He’d begun going to club gigs and shows, always sitting in the back, listening, taking notes and just soaking him in. Then he’d go home and practice. He didn’t mimic, couldn’t have forsaken his own muse if he’d wanted to, but he’d learned from what he’d seen and heard. And he tried to use it to enrich his own style. He’d felt ready weeks ago, but had been uncertain how to approach the leader of Shiver. Did he just walk up to the guy on the street and say, “Hey, I’m the answer to your prayers?” Dawson was confident, but he wasn’t stupid. Then Shiver had lost its drummer to a DUI charge and Dawson had his chance. Sure, it still took nerve to walk into an audition and announce you were trying out for something else entirely, but it was ballsy in an…intelligent kind of way. And that was the kind of cheekiness that Dawson could handle. And it had worked! Or had it? He lost the smile that had been tickling his lips as he recalled how it had felt standing next to the man he’d been admiring from afar. He remembered the punch of sexual awareness and how he’d tried so hard to ignore it. But suppressing it hadn’t
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worked. He’d stood face-to-face with Josh, riding the crest of a rock-and-roll high, and his passions had taken over. He hadn’t thought about it. He’d thrown caution to the wind and stepped off the cliff hoping Josh would be there to catch him. He’d followed his heart, had the most amazing sexual experience of his life—and screwed up his dreams. Again. He rolled over and buried his head beneath the pillow to suppress his groan of absolute frustration. He’d come to this country to find something new and exciting. To pursue his musical passions and escape the passions that had screwed up his life at home. But it hadn’t worked out that way. Josh was running scared. Dawson was sure of it. He’d told Dawson he’d never been with a man before, and Dawson had little doubt that when he’d awoken and taken a moment to think about what had happened, that he’d panicked and run. Dawson understood that. He could hardly blame Josh for doing exactly what Dawson, himself, had done two years ago. Had it really been that long? It felt like yesterday. He sighed. Sure, he’d been there, and it did make it easier to understand, but it didn’t make the night feel any less lonely. Josh was gone, and Dawson had to go on the assumption that he wasn’t coming back. If Dawson went looking for him it would just make matters worse, and he’d be opening himself up for all sorts of humiliation. Dawson may be a cocky son of a bitch, but that kind of ridicule made a man feel small and unworthy. As if he didn’t belong in the human race. If Josh came looking for him, Dawson would be here. But he wouldn’t be caught begging. Even though he wanted to. Damn it, he’d never wanted to beg for something so much in his life. Josh was… He blew out a long, slow breath as he remembered absolutely everything that Josh was. Strong, sexy, talented. Passionate, hard, sensual. And that cock… He cursed himself out loud, rolled off the bed and reached for the bowl of popcorn he’d left sitting there that that morning. He had to get his mind off things. Maybe he should go out and pick up some anonymous chick to take his mind off things. And maybe he should just stay in and watch a Terminator movie. A little death and dismemberment to soothe a broken heart. With a humorless chuckle, he headed to the bathroom for a shower.
***** Maddie jumped at the sound of pounding on her front door. “Maddie?” Josh? She glanced at the clock. 11:45. At this hour? 33
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She crawled out of bed and reached for her robe. Not that she’d been asleep. She’d been propped up in bed, trying to take her mind off things by watching old movies and eating expensive chocolate. But not Bogart, nor the creamy richness born of the Swiss Alps, could soothe her. “Maddie!” He called again, his voice louder, verging on desperate, but the force of his fist on the door had diminished. As if the energy were draining from him even as she padded to the door. “Josh?” She undid the chain and slid aside the deadbolt. The door swung open to reveal him leaning heavily against the doorframe, his face drawn and his eyes glassy. “Josh, honey. What is it?” He just shook his head and stepped across the threshold. “I…I just needed to see you.” Her concern mounting, she closed the door behind him and pulled her robe a little more tightly around herself. “What’s wrong? What happened?” He stared at her for a moment then looked away. “Nothing. Nothing happened.” He headed for the kitchen. “I’m just hungry. You got any popcorn?” “Josh, you did not come all the way over here at almost midnight for a bowl of popcorn.” She marched after him, her frustration growing and her own worries all but forgotten. He was already rummaging through her cupboards looking for her stash of microwaveable bags. He said nothing, suddenly very intent on tearing open the plastic, unfolding the paper bag and placing it precisely in the unit. He hit the Start button and the microwave whirred to life. He stared at it, hands braced against the counter, watching the bag twirl as if it held the secrets to the universe. She moved up beside him, covered his hand with hers. Very softly she said, “Your hands are shaking. Please tell me what’s wrong.” His jaw muscles clenched, the popping inside the oven accelerated slowly. His eyes never left it. “Where’s Ash? Is he asleep?” Uncertain why it mattered, she answered without questioning him. “He’s at Laura’s house for a few days. They got a new puppy and he was all excited about taking it for walks.” Her ex-husband’s sister was the only member of that side of the family Maddie got along with and who was still involved in Ash’s life. While they had recently gotten a new dog, that wasn’t the reason Ash had gone to stay with them. She had no intention of clarifying that with Josh at that moment, however. “That’s nice. You should get him a dog. A boy should have a dog.” “I’m allergic to them. You know that.” He said nothing. The popping inside the microwave became frantic. She squeezed his hand and was just considering the wisdom of throwing a glass of cold water in his face when abruptly he said, “What are you wearing underneath that robe?”
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She blinked in surprise. “What?” His gaze was on her now, and there was something about it. An intensity. An urgency that stole her breath. His eyes never leaving her face, he traced a finger down the soft, fuzzy lapel. The tips of his fingers brushed her breast so lightly it made her skin burn. “I gave this to you for Christmas, didn’t I?” “Y-yes.” “It’s kind of warm for it this time of year, isn’t it?” “Maybe.” She swallowed as his hand dipped to the point where the two lapels crossed. “A little.” The truth was she had pulled it out that evening because she wanted to feel warm, cuddled and cared for. Because she’d wanted, so desperately, to feel close to him even though she had lacked the courage to call him and tell him why. “It definitely is.” His hand slipped inside the robe and touched her breast and she couldn’t bring herself to tell him to stop. He moved in closer, his head bent so that his forehead almost touched her own. In the background the microwave beeped and the last few kernels of popcorn burst to life. They ignored it. “You’re not wearing anything under here.” He cupped her breast. “And you’re so warm you’re sweating.” He blew lightly on her chest, sending shivers skittering over her skin and moisture to her center. He undid the belt and laid the robe open. “Josh, please.” He sent a burst of his warm breath across her breasts. She whimpered. “What are you doing?” His hands bracketed her rib cage and he held her firm, drawing her tight against him. The feeling of her naked skin against the fabric of his T-shirt was like a drug that washed away everything but the need she felt for him. The need and the love that had been growing for a decade. His mouth was a breath from hers. “I want you, Maddie.” He whisked his lips across hers, brushed his thumbs across the undersides of her breasts. “Please. I need you so much it hurts.” She should say no. He sounded a bit too desperate. And he’d been drinking. She could smell the beer on his breath now, could tell that the glaze in his eyes wasn’t all due to fatigue. She should say no for that reason—and so many others. But she couldn’t bring herself to. Because the thing was, she needed him too. At that moment she needed him more than she’d ever needed anything or anyone in her life. She needed to feel loved tonight. To not feel so alone. To feel like she belonged to someone.
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She just needed to feel. And there was no longer any reason to deny herself. None of her objections were relevant anymore. Perhaps they never had been. So when his lips joined with hers she made no protest. When her robe fell to the floor she made no move to cover herself. When his hand slipped between her legs she opened herself to him, and savored the taste of his name on her tongue. He nuzzled her ear, laid a trail of wet kisses down her neck. He worked her clit, slid deep in her channel. “Jesus, Maddie, you’re wet.” His fingers were clever, and she rubbed herself against him, an orgasm already looming. It had been so, so long. And she had wanted him forever. But she wanted more than his fingers. “Fuck me, Josh. Please.” “Christ.” With his free hand he began to work at his belt buckle, and with trembling fingers she helped him. A moment later his jeans were pushed to his knees and his glorious cock was nudging her pussy. Suddenly, he stopped. “Condoms. I should get a condom.” “No!” The word was a plea and an order. She couldn’t be bothered with that now. If he stopped now she didn’t think she’d ever forgive him. “Please. Now!” He hesitated but a moment before wrapping those lean, sinewy arms around her, lifting her high and impaling her on his cock. They both let out a moan of combined relief and desire. Her back hit the cold metal door of the refrigerator, and with his cock buried deep inside her, he stopped. “Look at me, Maddie.” She lifted her gaze to his and was rewarded with a soft and delicate kiss. He made love to her mouth, his tongue dancing over her lips and dipping deeply to stroke her own. All the while he stroked her pussy with his cock, the thrusts tentative at first, but gradually accelerating, growing deeper and more forceful even as the kiss took on a hungriness that set her soul on fire. Her hands grappled with his T-shirt, desperate to find purchase and to have direct contact with his skin. When she found it, she grabbed on tight, her nails digging deep as he pounded himself into her and the glass items inside the refrigerator clattered with the force of their lovemaking. He drove himself deep and the orgasm took her. She fisted her hands against his skin and cried out his name as the waves of pleasure broke over her, washing away everything but the moment. Everything but her and Josh and the bond they shared. He pumped himself into her again and again, stroking her clit with the thickness of his cock and prolonging her climax until she thought she’d faint for needing to fill her lungs with oxygen. She was still quivering with aftershocks when, with one final thrust, he came. He cried out her name and his body shuddered in the throes of his own release. They stayed there for several moments, him buried inside her, her head resting in the cradle of his shoulder.
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She had closed her eyes, basking in the warm glow of the heat of his body and her own fulfillment, when his voice startled her to full alertness. “Oh Christ, Maddie.” Startled, she lifted her head. His voice sounded so forlorn. So distraught. “Josh?” He closed his eyes and muttered, “Oh God. What have I done?” And then, to her absolute horror, he began to cry.
***** Josh felt ill. His stomach was in knots, his hands were clammy and his head pounded. He could hear Maddie rummaging around in the kitchen. She’d insisted on making him one of her herbal teas and, even though he doubted his ability to hold down anything stronger than warm water, he’d let her. He’d needed the time. To sort out his feelings. To figure out what he was going to say. How did one tell their best friend that they’d used and betrayed them, anyway? How did you do that and hold on to your soul? Not that it mattered. He felt like he’d already lost it. He’d lost it the moment he kissed Dawson Kidd. At the memory of that kiss, he groaned, dropped his head in his hands and wished the earth would just open up and swallow him. He felt Maddie sit down beside him on the couch. “Here,” she said, taking his hand and pressing the warm mug into it. “It’s cinnamon tea. You’re always chewing cinnamon gum, so I thought maybe it was a good bet.” He accepted the mug, cradled it between his hands and soaked in its warmth. He sniffed the steam and tried to let it calm his frayed nerves. “Have a sip. I added sugar. You’ll like it.” He did as she asked, surprised at how easily it flowed over his tongue. And how it didn’t make him want to throw up after all. “It’s good.” He glanced at her, winced. “Thanks.” She sat there, waiting while he sipped his tea and screwed up his courage. When the tea was half gone, the patient silence got to him. “I’m sorry, Maddie. I used you, and I’ll never forgive myself for that.” “What? Used me? That’s ridiculous.” “You don’t understand. Something happened and…” His voice trailed off. He stared at his mug because he couldn’t bring himself to look at her. “And I have no idea what to say.” He studied her hands, folded so neatly on her lap. They were so delicate, yet so strong and skilled. Just like the rest of her. He cherished her so much. He didn’t know what he’d do without her. 37
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He heard her sigh and then her hands unfolded and reached for his mug. She lifted it from his hands and set it on the coffee table before reaching for his hands and grasping them tightly between her own. “Look at me, Josh.” He forced himself to comply. Her eyes were so big and so green. And so full of concern. “Do you trust me?” “Christ. Of course I do. You know that.” “Has there ever been a time that you regretted telling me something? Sharing something with me? Have I ever judged you or not understood exactly where you were coming from?” He blinked, considering that. “No. Never.” “Then trust me with this. Help me to understand what you’re feeling. Whatever it is we can work through it.” She was right, of course. And suddenly he knew that, accepted it. She’d always judged him far less harshly than he judged himself. She’d always seen the best in him, and the best in every situation. If there was anyone he could trust with this, it was her. He nodded. “Okay. I’m just not sure where to start.” “Start at the beginning. Just start at the beginning.”
***** He told her his story and her heart broke for him. He’d found something wonderful, something beautiful and rare, and he couldn’t see it. He was blinded by the conventions and ridiculous stereotypes of a society still bogged down in a medieval mentality of sexual conformity. Sure, North America and Western society in general had come a long way. But they still had such a long way to go. Abruptly he stopped his nervous pacing and sat down beside her on the couch. He grasped her hands, his palms clammy, his eyes earnest. “When I came here I didn’t know what I wanted. I just knew I had to see you. I felt so lost I didn’t know where else to turn. I didn’t come here looking for sex, Maddie. You’ve got to believe that.” “Of course. Of course I do.” He licked his lips, swallowed, and she could tell he was fighting to hold her gaze. “But then when I saw you. Looking all rumpled and sexy in that robe, and then when I realized you weren’t wearing anything underneath it…” “You got aroused.” He nodded. “I did. I got turned-on, and I was so relieved. I thought ‘I’m not gay after all!’, and I had to prove to myself that I could still be with a woman.” He looked away. “That I was still a man.” Suddenly anger flared, white-hot and lethal. “Oh, for Christ’s sake, Josh. What’s wrong with you?” She tore her hands from his and stood, pacing to the window that looked out over the city.
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“I know.” The torment in his voice cut her. “I used you, and I’m sorry. You’re the most precious thing in my life and I treated you like…like…a whore.” “Stop it!” The rage in her voice startled him enough to make him sit up and take notice. “You did not treat me like a whore, and you did not use me. Or if you did, then I’m no better because I used you too. I could have said no, could have put a stop to it at any time. But I didn’t. I didn’t because I wanted you, too. I was feeling lonely tonight, and you just happened to be in the right place at the right time.” “Lonely?” He frowned. “Why were you feeling lonely?” She shook her head, realized she’d said too much and tried to shrug it off. “Forget about me. This is about you.” “Well, then why—” “Why am I so angry?” Because suddenly she needed to be close to him, she crossed the room to sit down beside him again. “Because you know better, Josh. Good God, you know better than to think being attracted to another man makes you somehow less of a man. Somehow less…human.” He looked away, said nothing. She grabbed his hand and squeezed to let him know that she wasn’t going anywhere. “Tell me more about Dawson. Tell me what you like about him.” He let out a soft chuckle, raked his fingers through his hair. “What do I like about him? Christ. What don’t I like?” “Tell me.” He sighed, the look in his eyes far away, verging on dreamy. “He’s funny and smart and talented. He has this amazing knack to read me. When we’re playing together it’s almost like he’s inside my head right along with me. He anticipates what I’m going to do, complements me. He challenges me. Makes me play better.” He shook his head, dragged his hand from hers and paced to the far side of the room. “And he’s got this accent…this way of talking that I could just listen to all day. But it’s not just that. There’s this attitude that goes along with it. This…‘I am who I am so deal with it’ kind of thing. He’s confident. Almost cocky. But I like that. I need it.” She smiled, knowing that much of this was as new to him as it was to her. “And is he attractive?” “Attractive? Are you kidding me? Christ.” He laughed, obviously more relaxed now. “He’s tall, taller than me, and he’s got this blond beach bum look goin’ on. Which, I guess makes sense, considering where he came from. He works out. I mean, he must work out because he’s stronger than I am. More filled out. With these shoulders that must make the chicks—” He stopped himself, looked at her with something like embarrassment haunting his eyes. “He sounds amazing, Josh.” “He is.” 39
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“And it’s okay for you to notice.” “I…I don’t know. This is all so weird. When I was with him it was like I was watching a stranger. I couldn’t stop myself.” He leaned back against the wall as if his legs no longer had the strength to support him. “I didn’t want to stop myself.” “Some people wait their whole lives to feel like that with someone. And most people never do. It sounds to me like you’ve found something really special, Josh. It doesn’t matter that it happens to be with another man.” He stared at her, obviously trying to assimilate what she was saying. “You’re the most amazing man I know. Being with another man doesn’t diminish that.” “Society seems to think it does.” She vaulted from her seat and stalked over to him. “Fuck society. Since when have you cared what others think of you?” “I have to care. If I’m going to sell records I have to care.” “Well, if you give up something this wonderful just because it might cost you a few sales then you’re not the man I thought you were. We both know what that would make you.” He blew out a long, slow breath. “A whore.” “Exactly.” She was getting through to him now. Thank God. “It doesn’t matter what your fans think, or your mother, or your dog, for God’s sake. If it’s right, it’s right. And you’d be a fool to let it go without seeing exactly how right it can be.” She shrugged. “And if you’re true to yourself it’ll show in your music. Your songs will be that much better for it.” “But what about us?” That had come out of nowhere. It surprised her, put her off balance. “What? What about us?” He cupped her cheeks in his palms and she almost lost herself in that moment. “It feels right with you too, Maddie. What about that?” She reached up to grasp his wrists, and slowly—painfully—drew his hands away from her face. “But you can’t have me,” she whispered. “At least not like that.” “Why not?” He shook his head in frustration and suppressed anger. “It makes no sense to me. It never has.” It was time. She couldn’t put it off any longer. In fact, it was the perfect time. “Well, whether it makes sense to you or not, it doesn’t matter because that’s the way it is. Now more so than ever.” He tilted his head, frowned. “What? What do you mean?” She turned and walked away because she couldn’t look at him while she told him this. “I’m leaving the city, Josh. In a couple of months I have to leave.”
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“What? Why?” The anguish was back in his voice and she hated it. “What are you talking about?” “My sister called today. She had some news.” She could feel his eyes on her, but she couldn’t bring herself to look at him. “Her husband has just been diagnosed with MS. It’s fairly advanced and the prognosis isn’t good. They think he’ll deteriorate quickly. It could be as little as a year or maybe two before he needs to be hospitalized.” “What? What the fuck does this have to do with you?” “My sister needs me. She has three kids and Michael is going to need a lot of extra care. Our mother is too old to be of any use, so…I’m going to move out there.” Anger clouded his face now. “This is crazy. You barely even talk to your sister. You’ve only mentioned her, maybe a half dozen times in the time I’ve known you.” “There was bad blood between us but that was years ago. Life’s too short to hold grudges, Josh. She’s family and she needs me.” “I need you! I’m your family.” “It’s not the same and you know it.” “What about your students? What about your life here?” “I can get more students in B.C. Ash will adjust. He’ll get to know his cousins. It’ll be good for him.” “Bullshit.” “Josh, please.” She was fighting tears now. She hadn’t wanted to hurt him. That was the last thing she wanted. But it was easier this way. It had to be done. “This is difficult enough.” “Fuck.” He stalked to the window, stared out over the lights of the city. “What about later? After he’s…” he struggled for the word, “gone. Then you can come back.” “Maybe. I can’t make any promises. It’ll depend on Ash. It’ll depend on a lot of things.” “I could come too. I’ll move out there with you.” That set off a wave of panic. She hadn’t anticipated that. “No!” “What? Why not?” “Your music, Josh. You have to be here in Toronto where you’ve got more exposure. If you move anywhere it should be to L.A. Not Nowheresville, British Columbia.” “I thought your mother lived in Vancouver.” “She does. But my sister lives up north. Almost on the Yukon border.” He frowned, obviously puzzled. “Well, if she’s so isolated what about hospital care? And how will you find students?”
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“Don’t worry about it, Josh. This isn’t your concern. And anyway, you have enough to worry about.” He stared at her, looked away. Softly, he said, “Dawson. I need to see Dawson.” “Yes, you do.” She crossed to him, grasped his hand again and enjoyed the feeling of those strong fingers in her own. She would miss that. She would miss him so much. Battling tears again, she added, “Look, I’m not leaving tomorrow. It’ll be several weeks before I get everything sorted out. And I’d like to meet this heartthrob of yours.” His eyes brightened. “Really?” “Are you kidding? Of course. Why don’t you bring him for dinner? I’ll make meatloaf.” “I love your meatloaf.” She smiled, feeling better now that she’d said what had to be said. “I know.” “When?” “Tomorrow night. No reason to wait, and Ash will still be with his aunt.” “Okay. I’ll talk to him.” He swallowed and she sensed a trace of perspiration returning to his palms. She touched his cheek. “It’ll be fine, Josh. I promise you’ll be fine.” He nodded, smiled. But his eyes were touched with sadness. “For the record, Maddie, I still am sorry.” “For what?” “When I made love to you I wanted it to be special. I wanted there to be candles and scented oils. I wanted to spoil you with caresses and soft, slow kisses. I wanted to show you how much I care. How much I cherish you. I wanted so much more than a quick fuck against the refrigerator.” “Oh, Josh.” She couldn’t breathe for the pressure in her chest. “You show me all that all the time. You show me every day.” And with that she kissed his cheek and led him to the door.
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Chapter Six Dawson cracked open one eye. And then the other. And then snapped them both shut before coaxing them open again. It was bright outside. Far too bright for a man with no curtains on his windows, and too much beer working its way out of his veins. And far too bright and cheerful for a man who had taken a vow of misery and intended to spend the day wallowing in it. His eyes finally adjusting to the glare, he dragged them open far enough to check the time. 9:13! Christ. What sane human being woke up at such an ungodly hour? He’d only fallen asleep four hours ago, for God’s sake. But even as he rolled over and tried to persuade sleep to come again, he knew it was useless. He was awake now, his mind already saturated with images from the night before. His head already spinning with “what-ifs” and “if-onlys.” The only cure for that was a cup of really strong coffee and a bowl of strong-enough-to-build-a-chimney oatmeal. Then, maybe, if he was lucky, he could focus on his music, and work on the song he’d been tinkering with for the last couple weeks. He’d wanted to show it to Josh, get his take on it. Maybe even get him to help finish it. Help him make it into something amazing. But obviously that wasn’t going to happen. “Jesus Christ, mate,” he said to himself as he stalked to the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face. He looked in the mirror and sighed. “You’re a pathetic piece of work. You know that? A real wanker.” He pointed at himself. “You’ve got to stop thinking about him.” He leaned in close—so close his nose touched the mirror. “Hear me? Stop it!” He backed away from the mirror, frowned and shook his head. “Who am I kidding? You’re worse than a sheila. You never listen.” Laughing at himself, he left the bathroom and headed for the kitchenette. But he’d barely made it three steps into the living room before he stopped. “Shit.” Josh’s music was still there. The music they’d written together was still spread out all over the table. What the hell was he going to do with that? Maybe he’d mail it. Or messenger it over to that Stacey chick. She’d seemed cool. Something about her— The knock on the door was soft and tentative, and something about it sent shivers dancing over his skin. He remembered the time and grimaced. Probably the landlady complaining about the noise again. If he wasn’t careful he’d get kicked out, and he couldn’t afford that. This was one of the cheapest buildings in the city. And it was
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relatively cockroach free. He’d have to do some sweet-talking to wiggle his way out of this one. He was about to answer when he paused, looked down at himself and let out a yelp. Sweet-talkin’ was one thing, but answering the door in the nude might be a bit much. The knock came again and he called out, “Hang on a minute,” before rushing back into his room to find a pair of underwear. Deciding the dirty pair on the floor wouldn’t do, he wrenched open a drawer and pulled out a clean pair. He noticed the jeans on the floor and was considering putting them on as well when the knock sounded again. “Fuck it.” Maybe semi-nude fit the bill after all. Mrs. Droopy-boobs seemed to enjoy the view when he came in late at night, peeking out her door and eyeing him all the way up to the first landing. If she liked a nice ass, maybe she’d really enjoy a nice set of pecs. Clad in nothing but black boxer-briefs, he marched to the door and wrenched it open. What he saw on the other side turned his knees to jelly. He blinked, told himself he was being ridiculous and used the doorknob to steady himself. “Hey, Josh.” His voice sounded thin, even to him. Josh nodded, his smile as wobbly at Dawson’s knees. He was just as uncertain as Dawson was. He took some comfort in that. Josh stuffed his hands in the back pockets of his jeans. “Hey, man. How ya doin’?” “Good. You?” “Yeah. I mean, good.” They just stood there for the longest time, staring at each other like a couple of idiots. “So, you wanna come in?” asked Dawson at last, when he finally realized he was virtually standing in the hall in his underwear. “Yeah. Sure.” The door closed and, once again, they were alone. Suddenly the room seemed very small. And warm. Sweat began to tickle the back of Dawson’s neck. “So, are you here for your music?” Josh looked genuinely startled. “Music?” “Uh-huh.” Dawson nodded toward the sheet music spread out on the table. “I thought maybe you came to pick it up.” “Oh. That. No. I mean, yeah.” He shook his head, obviously frustrated. “No, that’s not why I’m here.” He took a deep breath and squared his shoulders. “I’m here to see you. To talk to you. We gotta talk.” “You mean to say goodbye? To withdraw your offer for the band?” Dawson didn’t know quite where that bitter streak was coming from, but there it was. He was suddenly angry, and telling himself he had no right to be didn’t make a stitch of difference. “What? No!” Suddenly earnest, Josh stepped forward. “I’m here to apologize. For running out last night. That was rude and immature.”
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“Okay.” Dawson shrugged. “Apology accepted. Now you can go.” He was pushing Josh away because God knew it was easier to be the rejector than the rejectee. “Damn it! This isn’t going how I planned.” Josh turned, paced and Dawson tried to digest the fact that Josh had apparently agonized over what to say to him. He stopped, whirled and met Dawson’s gaze. “I’m here because I realized running away was stupid. I went to see Maddie and she helped me to understand that. To look at what I was doing, and to understand what I really want in my life.” “Oh yeah? And what is that? What do you want in your life?” “You.” Stunned and hesitant to believe he’d heard what he thought he heard, he just stood there blinking. “I want you in my band and in my life. Or at least I want to give it a try and see how it goes.” He stepped closer. “And while I admit I don’t exactly want to walk down the street holding hands, if people find out, or they guess, and they judge me for it, they can just go fuck themselves. Because what happened last night was probably the most amazing, exciting, unnerving thing that’s ever happened to me, and I’d be crazy to walk away from that.” Somehow, while Dawson was distracted by his monologue, he’d moved in even closer. So close that Dawson could smell the coffee on his breath and feel the heat of his body against the bare skin of his chest. “And I’d be crazy to walk away from you.” “M-me?” God, had he really stuttered? “Yeah, you. The most arrogant, talented, smartest, funniest, sexiest piece of ass to ever walk into my life.” Dawson just stared at him, trying to persuade himself that this was not a dream. That he wasn’t imagining it. No one had ever talked to him like that before. No one had ever wanted him like that before. “And by the way,” continued Josh. “Maddie wants to meet you. We’re invited for dinner tonight, if that’s okay.” Dawson finally found his voice. “Yeah. Sure. She sounds awesome.” “She is.” Outside a siren wailed and someone honked impatiently. In the next apartment someone turned off a television that Dawson hadn’t even realized he could hear until that moment. “So is that a yes?” asked Josh. “A…a yes?” “Yeah. Do you want to give it a try?” “Oh. That.” He blinked, trying to get his feet planted back on solid ground. Was he kidding? Did he actually think there was any doubt? But the fact that Josh wasn’t taking his consent as a foregone conclusion was strangely comforting. Strangely exciting. “Sure. Definitely. Of course.” 45
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Josh smiled, obviously relieved. “Good.” “Really good.” Where a moment before Dawson had felt like he had no bearings, now suddenly he felt rooted to the spot. He couldn’t move. It was as if he’d forgotten how. “So…” “So?” “So, what do we do until then?” “Uh…” Josh’s chest heaved. “I guess we could work on those lyrics. I have some ideas, and I really want to finish that song. Get into the studio with it ASAP.” “Right. Definitely. Except…” Josh’s eyes raked over his face, touched on his chest and sneaked down to his abs before returning to Dawson’s eyes. His deep blue gaze had taken on an electricity that sizzled directly to Dawson’s groin. Josh licked his lips. “Except what?” “Except this.” Not waiting for permission, Dawson bracketed Josh’s face between his hands and drew his mouth to his for a deep, hungry kiss. He was rewarded with a groan of acquiescence and with the feeling of Josh’s hands gripping his hips and drawing him in close. Wanting to prolong the moment, he softened the kiss, withdrew his tongue to nip at Josh’s lips, sweep his tongue along Josh’s chin and savor the day’s worth of stubble that had grown there. Josh’s breathing had become shallow and choppy and when Dawson took his mouth again the urgency had grown. Josh’s hand slipped inside his briefs and wrapped around his cock. “Oh Christ,” moaned Dawson, surprised he hadn’t come on the spot. Josh’s hand was warm and skilled, the touch firm but not excessive. He wondered if his mouth would be as talented. Josh’s thumb whisked across the tip and found a bead of cum. As if he’d read Dawson’s mind he said, “I wanna taste you.” “I. Should. Shower.” “Perfect.” Josh withdrew his hand and whisked off his shirt. “Lead the way.”
***** Maddie picked up a shirt from the stack on Ash’s bed and held it against herself to check the size. She shook her head. Nope. It was definitely a winter-weight piece and Ash would outgrow it by the fall. Therefore no sense in packing it. She was about to toss it into the Goodwill box when she caught a glimpse of the logo that adorned the left breast of the navy blue jersey. She smiled, touched a finger to it and wondered whether Ash would want to keep it after all.
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The shirt had been a gift from Josh. A memento of the first rock concert he’d taken Ash to a year and a half ago. Ash had been so excited he could barely breathe, and when he’d come home he’d floated around the house for a full two weeks before finally coming back down to earth. Josh was so good to that boy. He was so good to her. Suddenly battling tears, she sank back down on the bed, clutching the shirt to her breast as if that alone could ground her. Bring her back to reality, and make her world normal again. She wondered again how the hell she was going to be able to walk away from Josh when the time came. But she had to. She had a greater responsibility here. To herself, to Ash and her family. And to Josh. Gradually a smile drifted in to replace the tears and set up a warm glow in her chest. What he’d said to her the night before—about wanting to pamper her with candlelight and oils. She hadn’t let it show, but it had swept her off her feet. If their dinner that evening had been for just the two of them and he had proposed such a thing, she very well may have relented and indulged their passions. There really was no reason to be strong anymore. No reason to hold back. She would have enjoyed being close to him in that way before she had to leave. It would have seemed…fitting somehow. Oh, to feel his lips on hers again. His hands on her body. To see the way he looked at her, not with lust, but with a purity of desire that thrilled the soul. To explore that. To touch something like that just once… But no. She couldn’t. Not now. Now there was a whole new reason to put the brakes on their carnal urges. And his name was Dawson Kidd. If Josh had a chance to build something strong and lasting with this man then Maddie had no desire to mess with that. Even if her time with Josh would be fleeting and couldn’t lead to anything lasting, she couldn’t risk it. She wouldn’t risk Josh’s happiness for anything. With a sigh she stood and folded the shirt neatly on the to-be-packed pile. She wanted to finish sorting these clothes and then she had some shopping to do. Her meatloaf was a work of art, and tonight’s was going to be a masterpiece!
***** Josh’s hands glided over Dawson’s soap-slicked body. Water droplets glistened on his skin and highlighted every ripple, every sinew, every quivering muscle. He was determined to take it all in this time. To take his time, to savor and explore. To immerse himself in the moment. He soaped Dawson’s chest and watched with pleasure as the water rinsed away the suds, sending them scudding down over his abs to drip slowly from his cock. He drew
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his tongue over Dawson’s nipple, took his time there, enjoying the sweetness of the water and the soft murmurs of pleasure that reverberated from Dawson’s chest. His hands bracketed Dawson’s rib cage and he relished the way his lungs struggled for air, the deep trembling breaths that Dawson seemed to have to struggle to draw. He worked his way lower, tasting and exploring, tracing Dawson’s abs with his tongue and enjoying the way Dawson’s hands played over his own skin. Skimming his shoulders and digging into his back when the sensations, apparently, became too much to bear. At last, dropping to his knees in the tub, his mouth reached Dawson’s groin—and cock. Closing his eyes, he drew the tip of his tongue slowly down the length of it, laved the tip and traced a path back again. The water pelted his back and sluiced down his face, mingling with Dawson’s musky flavor and adding a sweet accent of its own. Josh encircled the base of Dawson’s cock with his fingers and, finally, took him deep into his mouth. It was a strange sensation at first—strange and exciting—to feel that rigid flesh on his tongue. To slide his lips up and down and sample the drops of another man’s cum. Curious and feeling particularly bold, he released the base of Dawson’s cock and slid his hand between Dawson’s thighs, penetrating the crease of his ass. “Fuck!” Suddenly Dawson’s hands were on his shoulders, gripping him hard and dragging him up to a standing position. “You’re killin’ me, here,” he breathed. And before Josh could protest he pulled him in for a long, luxurious kiss. Dawson’s mouth was commanding, but his tongue languid and unhurried. Their bodies seemed to mold together, the water pelting against their skin a vivid addition to the already invigorating mix of sensations. “I don’t know what you’re doing to me,” muttered Josh when Dawson finally broke the kiss and raked his teeth down Josh’s neck. “But whatever it is…” Dawson’s hand found his cock as his tongue laved Josh’s collarbone. “I like it.” “If you like that, mate, you’re gonna love this.” Dawson maneuvered him so that he leaned back against the end of the shower stall. Then he dropped to his knees and, with the water pelting his head and sluicing over his back, he took Josh’s cock in his mouth. “Fuck!” Josh’s head jerked back and hit the tile—hard. “What are you doing?” Dawson drew his tongue slowly along its length. “I thought that was pretty obvious.” He massaged Josh’s balls. “But I was gonna suck you.” “Plans change.” “Apparently.” And then he lost himself in the motions of Dawson’s mouth. He drew him deep, sucked him hard. His hands toyed with Josh’s balls and then reached around to grip his ass. Because he needed the support, Josh gripped Dawson’s shoulders and hung on tight, riding the tide of sensations that washed over him. He relished the bunch and
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play of the muscles of Dawson’s back, the way the water matted his hair to his scalp, and the way the water droplets glistened on his face. Dawson teased him with his teeth. Hinting at pain, but never quite delivering. Always keeping Josh on the edge, wondering what was to come, and continually hoping that whatever he did, he didn’t stop. When a climax loomed, he closed his eyes, thrust his hips forward and squeezed Dawson’s shoulders against the onslaught. He came on a cry, pumping himself into Dawson’s mouth for what seemed like an eternity, and wilting against the shower wall when it was done. Dawson’s hands firmly gripping Josh’s hips, as if to help him remain upright, he stood and grinned down at Josh as he willed his legs to turn solid again. “I think,” breathed Josh, “that you’ve had some practice at that.” One corner of Dawson’s mouth tilted up. “A little.” Josh wasn’t sure if that was meant to be a straight answer, or facetious. Had Dawson been active with lots of men? Or was this as much a surprise to him as it was to Josh? He wanted answers to all those questions, but now wasn’t the time. “The water’s starting to cool,” commented Dawson, and only then did Josh become fully aware of Dawson’s rock-hard cock rubbing against his belly. “I want to suck you.” He accepted a languorous kiss, wondered if he’d ever tire of them. He sucked in a fortifying breath. “I want you to let me finish this time.” Dawson ran his fingers through Josh’s wet hair, the expression in his eyes making Josh’s gut twist with something indefinable. “Later. You seem pretty worn out.” With obvious regret, Dawson separated from him and turned around to turn off the water. “I should let you rest.” “Or you could fuck me.” The words were out of his mouth before Josh had awareness of the thought in his mind. The water dribbled to a halt, and Dawson turned to look at him over his shoulder. “You liked that, eh?” Josh averted his eyes, suddenly hesitant and not sure why. There was something about a man admitting that he liked “taking it in the ass” that was inherently humiliating. Inherently embarrassing. “Hey, it’s okay, you know.” Dawson had stepped out of the tub and reached for a towel. “I like it, too. And God knows I never thought I’d hear myself say that.” Josh nodded, stepped out and pulled a towel off the rack to dry his hair. He was startled to feel Dawson’s arms wrap around his waist. He pulled him close, forced him to meet his gaze. His eyes were hungry, feral, his grip possessive. “So you want it? You really want me to fuck you?” Josh’s arousal was already building again. “Yeah,” he admitted. “I really do.” But then he felt the need to add, “But use a condom this time.” Dawson frowned. “Huh? What do you mean, ‘this time’?” 49
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“Well, you didn’t before.” He blinked. “Did you?” “Of course I did. I just used lots o’ lube.” He grinned. “Obviously you were too horny to notice.” Relief washed over Josh. He’d been so worried that he’d exposed Maddie to needless risk. That’d he’d been an idiot and piled one mistake on top of another. But apparently he’d been saved from himself by this cocky Aussie. “Obviously,” he said on a laugh. And then he sucked in a breath as Dawson’s fingers sneaked in to tease the edges of his anus. “I do want you, mate. I wanna fuck you. Hard.” Josh closed his eyes and accepted. He gave himself over to the moment, and to the man who seemed to know what he needed better than he did himself. “Okay.” He groaned as Dawson’s fingers penetrated him. “Do it.”
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Chapter Seven Maddie sprinkled a little more oregano into the bowl, and added a dollop of olive oil. A squeeze of lemon. A dash of white pepper. And a pinch of chipotle chili powder. She found her whisk and began to beat the mixture into an aromatic froth. She’d found the marinade recipe in a magazine and decided to try it out on her guests. The meatloaf and the potato lasagna were staples in her house, dishes that she knew Josh loved and that she could pull off in her sleep. But she’d wanted a challenge. Wanted to try something new and exciting. Something to truly impress Josh’s new love interest. And roast vegetables in a spicy Italian marinade seemed to fit the bill. She had just finished cutting the red pepper into chunks when there was a knock on the door. Suddenly nervous, and not sure why, she ran her hands under water and dried them off before heading to the door. She wiped her palms on her jeans, took a deep breath, plastered on her best “welcome” smile—and pulled open the door. “Oh,” she said, not bothering to hide her disappointment. “It’s just you.” Josh cocked an eyebrow. “Just? Just?” He stepped inside and closed the door behind him. “Wow. You sure know how to hurt a guy.” He gave a spin. “I put a lot of thought into this outfit. Don’t I look amazing?” Actually he did, in a pinstripe button-down shirt that hugged his chest just enough to tease a woman’s libido. His choice of jeans was, as always, mouthwatering. But she decided his ego didn’t need to hear that. “Uh-huh.” He snorted, but his grin wouldn’t be tamed. Jitters forgotten, she headed back to the kitchen, knowing he would follow. “I was expecting two hunks at my front door. Not just one.” “So that means I qualify for hunkdom?” He hitched a hip on his usual stool that overlooked her workspace. She slanted him a look as she dumped the veggies into the bowl to marinate. “Don’t worry,” he said, feigning a sulk. “He’ll be here soon. He’s probably just primping. I had some stuff to look after and he decided to take the time to do a little shopping. He was so worried about impressing you that he had to go out and buy something new. Said his assortment of Kiss and Pink Floyd T-shirts wouldn’t do for a sheila of your caliber.” He waggled his eyebrows. “A sheila, eh?” “That’s the proper Aussie term.”
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“Hmm. Well, at any rate, at least he has some taste. It sounds like the man has potential.” Maddie set the bottle of wine in front of him and plopped down the corkscrew. Opening the wine was his job. Just like an old married couple. She cringed just a little. Then wondered how she was going to cope without him there to open her wine bottles. And to hold her hand through the rough stuff. “Potential.” Josh blew out a breath. “He has a helluva lot more than that.” Maddie watched him pick up the corkscrew, jam it into the top of the bottle. “My God, Josh. You’re blushing!” “I am not.” “You are too!” He kept twisting the corkscrew, apparently hoping she’d forget about it and leave him alone. Surely he knew better. “So tell me. Quick, before he gets here.” He frowned. “Tell you what?” “You know. What’s it like? With him? I take it he’s good?” “What? You’re incorrigible!” “Exactly. So?” He sighed, popped the cork and she handed him the glasses. He poured out the Pinot Noir, a sensual blood-red with aromas of lavender and nutmeg. He handed her a glass. They clinked and both took a sip. He studied his wine. “Yeah,” he breathed. “He’s good. Damn good.” She waited. “It’s…different than being with a woman. But not so different. If that makes any sense. I mean, some of the…mechanics of it are quite different.” He glanced at her, his eyes uncertain. “You mean the anal sex.” “Yeah. Christ.” “No need to mince words. Seems to me you’ve done it before.” “Yeah, but not like this.” She softened her voice. “It’s okay, Josh. Nothing wrong with it. Nothing to be ashamed of.” “I know. I’m just still getting used to the whole thing.” He shrugged. “So, yeah, that’s different. But it’s still very…sensual. The touching, the kissing. That’s not so different than how it is with a woman. It’s good because we’re in sync. Because the chemistry is so right.” “See? It’s all about chemistry. The fact that you’re with a man is irrelevant.” He laughed. “Well, I wouldn’t quite go that far.” “You know what I mean.”
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“Yeah. I do.” He turned the glass in his fingers. “There is something, though. Something different. Something that really surprised me.” Intrigued, she leaned forward, bracing her elbows against the counter. “Yes?” “We wrote some more this afternoon. Finished off some lyrics for the piece we did yesterday, and laid down some groundwork for another one. It’s good, Maddie.” His eyes suddenly brightened with excitement. “Really good.” “I can’t wait to hear it.” He nodded, continued. “Anyway. It comes so easy with him. Fluid and effortless. Like he completes me. Like good sex. But…” He hesitated, apparently struggling. He met her eyes, his gaze intent. “When we’re writing music I’m the leader. The boss. We work together, but I tend to direct things and he defers to me if there’s ever a question about something.” “But in bed it’s different.” He nodded slowly. “Yeah. Very much so. He’s younger than me, and I think it should be the other way, but it’s not. It just feels so good to let him take the lead. And he does it so naturally.” “There’s no should when it comes to this stuff, Josh. Whatever feels right, is right.” He shook his head slowly, his smile when he looked at her was easy and full of affection. “What am I going to do without you, Maddison Page? How will I ever survive?” She was spared from replying by a vigorous knock on the apartment door. She glanced at Josh, noted that tension had snapped into him at the first rap of Dawson’s knuckles. “You okay? Do you want to get it?” “No, no. It’s okay. Your place, your door.” Shrugging, she headed to the door, but said over her shoulder, “Don’t be nervous, Josh. I won’t bite your friend…” She opened the door and sucked in a breath of pleasant surprise. “Unless you want me to.” She said the words under her breath and then worried that it had been loud enough for Dawson to hear. But if he did he didn’t let on. “G’day,” said a pair of the most delicious lips she’d ever laid eyes on. They were set in a deeply tanned face below a pair of laughing eyes the color of—and there was no other word for it—the color of a deep, burnished gold. He was tall and broadshouldered. Striking. A walking wet dream for either sex. No wonder Josh had fallen for him. She was glad. Josh deserved the best. “You must be Maddie.” “I certainly must.” She licked her lips, and only then became aware that she was staring. “Oh my God, I’m sorry. Come in.” “Thanks, darl. Don’t mind if I do.” She noted the grin that flickered to his lips, and then the hit of awareness as his eyes found Josh. The sizzle that snapped in the air was instantaneous and undeniable. “Hey, man.” Josh lifted his glass in a semi-salute. “Want some wine?”
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“Hey, mate. Sure.” He strode in, headed toward Josh, but then hesitated. He chose the third barstool, the one that left a chair in between him and Josh. He accepted the glass Josh had poured. “Thanks.” “Nice shirt, by the way,” said Josh with the lift of an eyebrow. Bold maroon stripes set off a textured cream background. It might have been silk. Maddie wasn’t sure. “Set you back a bit, I bet.” “A bit.” He nodded toward Maddie who had taken up her spot at the counter. “Nothing’s too good for your lady.” “I thought I was a sheila.” His mouth dropped open, and he cut his gaze to Josh. “Tattler.” Then to her he added, “It doesn’t imply disrespect. It just—” “Just means you’re going to have to learn to refine your social skills a little bit.” He grunted. “I guess.” She smiled, began arranging the vegetables on a stoneware baking pan. “Speaking of social skills…where are the flowers?” Dawson blinked. “Flowers?” “Yes. It’s traditional to bring the hostess something. A bottle of wine. Or a bouquet of flowers.” “Oh. Well.” Suddenly thrown off his game, he tossed a desperate look at Josh. “You didn’t say anything about flowers!” Josh shook his head in mock dismay. “Sorry, man. I figured you knew. It’s pretty standard.” “Fuck. I swear I had no idea.” “Hey! Watch your mouth. Maddie doesn’t like that kind of talk.” Dawson clamped his mouth shut, turned a worried gaze on Maddie. “That’s it,” said Maddie. “But—” “No dessert for you.” At the stricken look on Dawson’s face, both Maddie and Josh burst out laughing. Only then did Dawson catch on to the joke. He rolled his eyes, and his shoulders relaxed. He even chuckled a little. “You guys are cruel.” “Just trying to put you at ease.” Maddie slid the pan into the oven. “Make you feel at home.” “Well, you did that all right.” He glanced at Josh, held his gaze and then, to Maddie’s puzzlement, turned away—a little too quickly. “Except the food smells too good. My mom couldn’t fry eggs without setting off the smoke alarm.” “Well, I hope you like my meatloaf better than burnt eggs.” The look he gave her sent shivers skittering over her skin. “I like it better already.”
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She swallowed, glanced at Josh and noticed that he was studying her, his gaze strangely intent. Not knowing what else to do, she decided to ignore the entire situation. “Ten minutes, boys. And then we dig in.”
***** “Thirds, anybody?” So full he could barely breathe, Josh leaned back in his chair and groaned. “I think she’s trying to kill us.” “Definitely.” Dawson, seated across the table from him, mimicked his posture. “I detect hidden sadistic tendencies.” “That’s a vicious lie,” she said with a pout that could turn a man’s insides to Jell-O. She started clearing dishes. “I never tried to hide them.” Dawson turned to Josh, eyebrows arched. “Feisty, isn’t she?” Josh laughed. “You have no idea.” “So how is it you’re letting her go?” Josh lost his smile, wishing Dawson hadn’t brought this up. “It’s not my choice, man. Believe me.” Dawson made a show of pushing himself up off his chair. He started gathering dishes. “Hey, man,” protested Josh. “You trying to make me look bad, or what?” Dawson winked, his hand brushed across Josh’s knuckles and a little shiver skittered up Josh’s arm. Suddenly, Dawson snatched his hand away and Josh looked up to see that Maddie had turned around and was watching them. “So,” said Dawson, tossing cutlery onto plates. “You’re heading out west to help look after your brother-in-law?” Maddie’s gaze fastened to Josh’s was unreadable. But then she turned back to the sink and said over her shoulder. “Yes. In a manner of speaking.” “What’s he diagnosed with again? Cancer?” “No, no. ALS.” “Wow. ALS. Isn’t that Lou Gehrig’s disease?” “Yes. That’s right. It’s a horrible degenerative disease. My sister is going to need all the help she can get.” Josh had gathered the few remaining items from the table and was carrying them into the kitchen during that exchange. He frowned, confused. “Hang on a second. I thought you said he had MS.” Maddie’s head jerked around, her expression startled. Or was it frightened? “I did?”
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“Yeah. I’m pretty sure you did.” “Oh.” She laughed, but the sound was forced. “Well, I meant ALS. All those letters. It’s so confusing.” “I don’t know…” Josh’s frown remained plastered in place. Something was off. It wasn’t like Maddie to make a mistake like that. Maddie just stared at him, blinking. “Hey, mate, lighten up.” Dawson reached out as if to put his arm around Josh’s shoulders, but then he stopped. He dropped his arm, and nudged Josh lightly. “The lady’s got a lot to deal with. Give her a break.” “Yeah, Josh. Give me a break.” She winked, but again, it didn’t feel natural. “In fact, why don’t you boys do the dishes?” Genuinely shocked, Josh’s mouth dropped open. “What? You never let me do the dishes.” “Well, maybe I’m turning over a new leaf. And besides…” She rinsed her hands under running water and dried them on a tea towel. “I need to visit the powder room for a minute. I won’t be long.” And before he had time to think she was gone. He stared after her, trying to make sense of the shift in mood. “Come on, Josh. I’ll wash, you dry.” “O-okay.” Unsure how to verbalize his concerns, Josh chose not to and turned his attention to the task at hand. Dawson began running water into the sink. While the mountain of suds grew he tossed a look over his shoulder to the door Maddie had just closed behind her. “You weren’t kidding, mate. That lady is smokin’!” “You like, eh?” He puffed up a little, a strange surge of pride rushing through him. He thought perhaps he should have been jealous. Or offended. But he was neither. He was pleased that Dawson found her as exciting and attractive as he did. “Oh yeah,” breathed Dawson, his eyes echoing the sentiment. “You’re a very lucky man.” “Not as lucky as I’d like to be, man.” He glanced at the bathroom door as he picked up a towel. “Not nearly as lucky as I’d like to be.”
***** Maddie wiped her eyes and willed herself to stop crying. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. “Shit!” She snatched up a tissue and dampened it to wipe away the mascara that had run down her cheeks. “Shit, shit, shit!” She couldn’t lose control like that. Not in front of Dawson. And especially not in front of Josh. And what the hell had she been thinking, getting herself mixed up like that?
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She’d been having so much fun up until that moment. Had forgotten all about the issues that had so consumed her the last few days. It had felt so good to just let loose, forget and just be. But Josh’s look of concern and confusion had just about undone her. She had to get a grip on her emotions, go back out there and be the Maddie Josh expected her to be—needed her to be. She was doing this for him, after all. She had to make this move, but under no circumstances could he know the real reasons for it. There were still many decisions to make, but on that issue she was firm. She had to keep it under wraps. She had to do it for him.
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Chapter Eight “You dance like a flame, “Burning, searing, through my mind, “Blue and white your colors flash “With eyes that drug my soul like wine…” Maddie’s apartment reverberated with the deep bass beat and edgy rhythms of Josh’s and Dawson’s guitars. Their voices blended seamlessly, fluctuating between minor discords and sweet harmonies that sent goose bumps scampering over her skin. But what held her—the thing that truly captivated her—was the energy that flowed between them. It rolled off them in waves. In the music, in their voices, in their smiles and the way their eyes sought hers. And there were times—moments when they looked at each other—that she felt it the strongest. A hit of sexual awareness that slammed into her like a punch in the gut. It literally stole her breath. When the last chord was strummed, and the echoes of their voices finally faded away to silence, it left a vague sense of expectation hanging in the air. A feeling that there should be more. As if they weren’t quite finished and were merely rolling their audience toward the next compelling cascade of notes. Josh frowned, glanced at Dawson—who shrugged—and then back at her. “Well?” “Well, what?” He laughed. “What did you think?” “Oh.” She blinked, plummeted back to reality. “Oh my God!” She clapped her hands together in excitement. “Are you kidding? That was incredible!” They both grinned. “Really?” “Yes. Really. In fact.” She erupted from her chair. “I think this calls for champagne.” She loved sparkling wine and always kept a couple of bottles on hand. It wouldn’t be chilled, but what the hell. “Champagne?” Josh sounded genuinely puzzled. “Yes. To celebrate your new recording contract.” They both set down their guitars and followed her. “Huh? I don’t have a new contract.” She pulled an opaque black bottle out of the wrought iron wine rack in the corner of her kitchen. She stood, examined the label and decided it would do. She held out the bottle. “Don’t worry, Josh. You will.”
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Josh accepted it and pulled off the foil. His expression remained skeptical. “It was that good?” “Better.” She braced her elbows on the island and watched him work. “The sound. The harmonies. The lyrics. It was sweet but raw. Edgy. But most of all it was sexy.” She blew out a breath, allowed her gaze to rake over the two of them standing together. “The energy you two send out is magnetic. You’re going to drive women wild when you perform.” “I told you, mate!” exclaimed Dawson. “Didn’t I tell you?” An unguarded grin finally burst across Josh’s face. He turned that radiance on Dawson. “Yeah. You did.” For a moment Maddie thought they were going to embrace. It felt that way. Their body language, the way they were looking at each other, it all seemed to point to an enthusiastic hug. But it didn’t happen. The moment hung, but then abruptly they both averted their eyes and looked at Maddie. “So where are the champagne flutes?” asked Josh. “We need to do this right.” He was grinning, but the whole thing felt wrong to Maddie. There was something going on with these two, and she had a pretty good idea what it was. The champagne was poured and they raised their glasses high. The bubbles danced and sparkled in early evening light. “To talent and new beginnings,” said Maddie. “To rock and roll!” added Dawson. “To good friends,” said Josh as their glasses clinked brightly. But the way he looked at her put a lump in her throat that made it difficult to swallow her champagne. Once they’d all enjoyed several sips and the mood had mellowed, she decided it was time. She set her glass firmly on the counter. “Okay, you two. Let’s cut the bullshit.” Josh and Dawson froze, their glasses still to their lips. “Bullshit?” asked Dawson. “Yes.” She pounded her fist on the counter. “Bullshit.” Josh grinned. “Well, as intimidating as that peanut-sized fist of yours is, babe, I think we’re going to need more clarification.” “You two are afraid to touch in front of me.” He set down his glass, glanced at his lover—who looked just as uncomfortable— and shrugged. The grin had fallen from his face. She softened her tone. “It’s okay. I understand.” Josh glanced at Dawson again. “You do?”
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“Of course I do. You two are still not quite comfortable with all this. You’ve accepted how you feel about each other and are free to express that in private. But to risk exposing that to others is something else entirely.” “Yeah. I guess. It’s something like that.” “The thing is that, ironically enough, by avoiding touching each other so diligently, you’re drawing attention to it.” Dawson grimaced. “It was that bad?” “Yeah. It was that bad. Some touching between friends—even between male friends—is natural. I can understand how some of those lines have gotten fuzzy for you two now, but you have to get over that. Just try and act…natural.” “Natural?” asked Josh, the torment in his voice coming through. “How do we know what natural is anymore? My natural reaction a few minutes ago was to give Dawson a big hug and a kiss.” Dawson nodded, his expression just as miserable. “And obviously that isn’t something we want to do in public. In front of strangers.” He shook his head. “We can’t let this get out. The public just isn’t ready for this yet.” She felt his anguish, wished so desperately she could lift this burden from him. “No. You’re right. They’re not ready, and you’re going to have to be careful how you act in front of the public. But you should feel comfortable enough to be yourselves in front of certain people. In front of good friends whom you can trust.” Josh took a deep swig of his champagne. “Yeah. I guess. It still feels strange, though.” She picked up her glass, studied it. “Well, maybe I can help you with that.” “Huh?” asked Dawson, his glass already almost empty. “What do you mean?” “Kiss.” “What?” She set down her glass, folded her arms and tried to look authoritative. “You heard me. I want to see you two kiss.” “You’re kidding. We can’t kiss in front of you.” “Why not?” Josh glanced at Dawson, and the look the two of them shared reminded her of how Ash and his friend had looked when she caught them lighting up a cigarette in the back alley. “Well…” “Look. You trust me. I’m your best friend, Josh, and obviously Dawson trusts me to be here even though I know your secret. If you can be comfortable and be yourselves in front of anybody it should be me.” “Come on, mate,” Dawson nudged him with his shoulder. He waggled his eyebrows. “You know you want to.”
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A small smile tickled Josh’s lips. He gave Maddie a sidelong glance. “You sure you want to see this?” “Absolutely.” Honestly, she wasn’t sure how she’d feel about watching Josh kiss anyone else—least of all another man. But there was no way she was expressing any hesitation to Josh. He needed her unconditional support, and she intended to give it to him. He cleared his throat, turned to Dawson. “Okay.” They leaned in and shared a brief peck. She rolled her eyes. “Oh, for Christ’s sake. You’re not kissing a toad.” Dawson frowned. “Hey. Did somebody spill about my wart problem?” She ignored him. “Put some passion into it. You know…kiss like nobody’s watching.” Josh blew out a breath, looked to his partner. “You up for this, man?” “Fuck it.” Dawson moved fast. He grabbed Josh by the shoulders and dragged him in for an unbridled kiss. Josh tensed at first. She could see his whole body go rigid, but it only took a moment for him to relax. His muscles went liquid, obviously giving himself over to the kiss. Their mouths opened and Maddie caught a flash of tongues as they explored each other hungrily. Dawson’s hands came up to cup Josh’s jaw and hold him firm as he plumbed his mouth and took absolute control of the moment. Josh’s hands fisted in Dawson’s shirt, and when he let out a soft groan of pleasure—so did Maddie. Abruptly they broke apart. Josh’s hands still embedded in Dawson’s shirt, he asked. “Maddie? You okay?” She sucked in a breath, let it out again. “Oh my.” She picked up her champagne and walked on somewhat unsteady legs to the living room. She sat down and took a deep, cleansing swallow. “What?” Josh and Dawson joined her, sat down, both of them looking confused and concerned. “Was it that horrible?” She almost choked on her champagne. “Horrible? No. Not horrible.” She took another swallow to soothe her burning throat. “Definitely not horrible.” “What then?” “Do you two have any idea how hot you are?” Dawson grinned. “Well, yeah. A little.” Josh growled, “Will you shut up?” To Maddie he said, “I don’t understand.” “I…” she swallowed, “liked it. Seeing you together is…” She struggled to explain it—to herself and to them. She hadn’t expected to feel this way, but there was no denying it. “Simply put, it’s hot.” “You mean it turned you on?” asked Dawson, leaning forward in his seat. 61
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“Oh yeah. You could say that.” A slow, sly smile spread across Josh’s face. “Maddison Page. Who’d o’thought?” “Certainly not me!” she snapped, suddenly feeling off balance and unfocused. How was she supposed to think clearly when her pussy had swollen to twice its normal size? Her glass was empty. “I need more champagne.” She made her way on steady feet back to the kitchen, hoping the movement would help get the blood flowing back to all the normal places. But when she finished refilling her glass she was disconcerted to find that they had followed her. Dawson was pensive, intent. “Why do you think you liked it?” “Fuck. I don’t know. Maybe I’m hormonal.” Josh’s eyebrows arched, and she knew why. She rarely said “fuck”. Without intending to, she’d just made this a really big deal. “Well, I think we should explore this,” said Josh. He turned to Dawson. “Don’t you?” “Definitely.” She felt a flutter of panic. “What do you mean?” But their lips had already joined—again. “Oh,” she breathed, her eyes riveted. This kiss was even more eager, more voracious. It was as if their mouths had fused, as if they couldn’t get enough of each other. It was more than the physical pleasure of seeing two delicious specimens sharing a forbidden lust. That same energy that came through in their music came through here. It was pure sex. Pure passion. When Josh’s hands crept under Dawson’s shirt, and she caught a glimpse of a tanned six-pack that shivered under his touch, her legs almost buckled and she had to lean against the counter for support. “Maddie, honey. Are you okay?” They had disengaged from each other and come to her aid. They flanked her now, one on either side, holding her up with strong hands on her elbows and at the small of her back. The contact did nothing to douse her flaming libido. “I’m…I’m fine.” “You don’t look fine. You’re all flushed.” But when she looked up into Josh’s face, his grin was mischievous. “You like what this is doing to me, don’t you?” “If it makes you feel good, then yes. I like it very much.” His hand skimmed up and down her back, his other squeezed her arm. Dawson began to mimic his actions and she fought the urge to swoon. “Well, it doesn’t exactly make me feel…good. It’s more frustrating than anything.” She tried to wriggle out of his grasp. “And what you’re doing isn’t helping.” “Well, we could solve the problem,” said Dawson, his long, strong fingers creeping up under her hair and massaging her scalp. “Couldn’t we, Josh?”
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She couldn’t see their faces because her eyes had closed in indulgent ecstasy. It took Josh just a moment to reply. “Mm-hmm. We sure could.” She was just beginning to become aware of what they were suggesting when she felt a pair of lips brush either ear. “What do you say, Maddie?” whispered Josh. “Do you want to be with us?” echoed Dawson. Her eyes flew open, but the rest of her body seemed to be beyond her control. “I…just…” Josh’s lips skated down her neck and two strong hands slipped beneath her T-shirt. She barely managed to whisper. “We shouldn’t.” “Sure, we should.” Dawson’s fingertips skimmed the lower curve of her breast. “Let me do this for you, Maddie,” added Josh, his voice a hypnotic presence in her ear as his hand gently cupped her other breast. “Let me spoil you like I’ve always wanted to. Let us spoil you.” “If we all want it,” persisted Dawson, his breath like fire on her skin. “If we all want each other…there’s no good reason not to.” Maybe it was the turmoil she’d been facing over the past few days. Maybe it was the desperate need to feel close to Josh because she knew her time with him was limited now. Or maybe seeing the two of them together had suddenly turned her into a raving nymphomaniac. Whatever the reason, for the life of her, she couldn’t seem to come up with any good reasons either. “No. No good reason at all.” Riding a strange wave of euphoria, Josh swept Maddie up into his arms. He ignored her squeal of protest and surprise and said to Dawson, “There’s candles and matches in the cupboard above the fridge. Massage oil in the bathroom.” “I’m on it. But first—” He stopped Josh with a hand on his shoulder, and then, with Maddie cradled in his arms between them, reached up to cup the back of his head and drag him in for another kiss. “Oh God,” said Maddie when they finally tore themselves apart. “Do you enjoy torturing me?” “Yes, actually.” Josh strode off toward the bedroom. “It’s fun.” He kicked open the door and tossed her unceremoniously onto the bed. She squealed in surprise and delight, but went suddenly silent, her eyes wide, when he crawled across the mattress, straddling her with his legs and bracketing her shoulders with his arms. He leaned down very close and whispered, “And I intend to torture you mercilessly for the next several hours.” She swallowed. “Several? Hours?” “Uh-huh.” He nuzzled her throat, brushed his lips across her earlobe. She smelled like spring, the fragrance light and energetic and reminiscent of meadows glistening with dew. “But right now I’d like to kiss you, Maddie.” He raised his head, gazed down into those forest-green eyes. “May I do that?” Her eyelids drooped slightly, her lips parted. “I suppose. If you must.” 63
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He smiled, bent his head to sample her gently. His lips glided over hers that tasted like wine and the strawberries they’d had for dessert. It was an intoxicating flavor and he had to hold back from devouring her whole. He wanted to draw this out, savor it. Savor her. He was vaguely aware of Dawson’s entry into the room, heard a match burst to life and smelled the vanilla as he lit the scented candle. But Josh didn’t let that distract him from his mission. In fact, knowing Dawson was watching fed his passion. His lips cruised over hers, his tongue darted in to taste and then retreated to trace the line of her lips. He breathed in her sigh of pleasure and acquiescence, and could no longer hold back from expressing the heat that burned through him. He sealed his mouth to hers, stroked her deeply with his tongue and thrilled to her uninhibited response. To the way her tongue enthusiastically explored his mouth. To the rapid rise and fall of her chest. To the soft mewling sounds she made far back in her throat. And to the way her fingers clutched so desperately at his shirt. Abruptly, he drew his mouth from hers, pleased at the way she dug in her nails and tried to drag him back. She opened her eyes, blinked up at him. “Why did you stop?” Her voice was breathless but then she seemed to notice Dawson, standing off to the side. A pleasant blush colored her cheeks. “Oh. Sorry,” she said, lowering her eyes. “I got carried away.” Josh looked at his friend, and grinned. “Did you hear that? She’s sorry.” “I heard. I guess she’ll have to make it up to us.” “Yeah.” He looked back down at the woman he’d loved, it seemed like forever— and considered. “I suppose so.” She frowned. “What do you mean?” Josh swung his leg off her so he no longer straddled her, but stretched out beside her. He reached for the top button on her pale green silk blouse. “Help me here, man.” “My pleasure.” Dawson set the bottle of massage oil on the nightstand and joined them on the bed, taking his station on the other side of Maddie. “Wh-what are you doing?” she asked. “Jeans?” Dawson paused, his hand hovering over Maddie’s belt buckle. Josh smiled down at Maddie and undid another button, skimming his fingers over pale, smooth flesh. She shivered at his touch. “I think so. If, of course, it’s okay with Maddie.” Maddie’s glance flickered from Josh to Dawson. She blinked, hesitated, and for a moment Josh worried that she might be having second thoughts. But then Dawson traced his finger along the skin at the waistband of her jeans, and smiled at her, his eyes as warm as an Australian sunset over the sea. “What do you say, darl?” He bent and kissed her belly, dipped his tongue into her navel. “Do you trust me?”
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At first Josh thought it an odd thing to say, but apparently it was exactly what she needed to hear. “Yes,” she breathed, her hand reaching up to stroke his cheek. “Yes, I do.” And she did. God help her, but even though she barely knew him, she felt an inherent trust for this young man with the carefully tousled hair and the warm gold eyes. Perhaps it was the fact that Josh had trusted him first. Or perhaps it was an instinctive thing based on the undercurrents of vulnerability that ran just below the surface of his cocky exterior. She hoped it wasn’t just that her sexual desires were overwhelming her good judgment. But then again, what did it matter if they were? She was in this for the moment. Because for once, for now—for tonight—that was all there was. She was going to indulge herself. She was going to enjoy the attentions of two extremely hot and talented young men. She was going to savor how good it would feel to be with a man she’d cared for and desired for years, and to be with one she’d just met. And she was going to thrill to how happy it would make Josh as well. And damn it, she was not going to feel guilty about it. All thoughts of guilt and regrets completely fled her mind when Dawson undid her belt buckle and slipped his hand beneath the denim. “Christ, her skin is like cream,” he whispered to Josh. “Yeah, I noticed.” Josh popped the last button of her blouse and the clasp on her blouse quickly followed. He laid it open, exposing her skin to the cool air and her breast to his mouth. While he lavished his attentions on her breast, Dawson climbed off the bed and, with torturous slowness, worked her jeans past her hips. Dragged them down her thighs and, at last, slipped them from her ankles. “Mmm,” he said, running his hands up her calves, skimming them over her thighs. His fingertips were slightly rough. A guitarist’s hands. He just barely grazed the edge of her panties and she felt herself dampen at the promise of more. “You gotta love a woman in a thong,” he said, stroking the material sensuously. Her pussy ached from the gentleness in his touch. Josh circled a nipple with his tongue. “I think I’d love her more out of it.” “Patience, mate.” Dawson slid his fingers beneath the material, caressed her clit and almost sent her skyrocketing. “It’s all about the anticipation.” “Mmm.” Josh’s hand skimmed over her belly and sneaked in to join Dawson’s explorations. “I see what you mean.” Maddie sucked in a breath in surprise. Two hands, two sets of fingers on her pussy, and then, abruptly there were two mouths. One on each breast, laving, suckling, feasting on her like she was the Sunday smorgasbord at Denny’s.
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She would have laughed out loud at that thought—if she’d been able to breathe, that is. She writhed beneath them, tilting her hips to allow them easier access and urge them to do more. One slid two fingers inside her, even as the other massaged her clit with a touch that alternated between featherlight and firmly commanding. “Christ, she’s wet,” observed Josh. She could swear she could feel his grin against her rib cage. “Yeah. But I bet I can get her wetter.” And then someone—she could only assume it was Dawson—reached deep and palpated her G-spot. “Oh!” she squealed, arching her back and digging her fingers into their hair because she needed to hold on to something. “You’re right,” murmured Josh. “She just got wetter.” She groaned, ground her pussy against their hands. “I’m going to come.” “Not yet, you’re not.” It was Josh. And then abruptly his hand was gone and she could have screamed for the frustration of it. She lifted her head. “What? Why are you torturing me?” He stood at the foot of the bed. “I told you I enjoyed it.” And then her panties were gone and he had settled between her legs. “And I intend to enjoy this.” He bent his head and tasted her, and she flopped back onto the pillows, unsure whether her senses could handle any more stimulation. When she opened her eyes, Dawson was grinning down at her. “Take off your shirt.” She managed to say it despite the fact that Josh’s tongue was doing sinful things to her pussy. “For God’s sake, take something off.” “Done.” In a flash his shirt was gone and his jeans soon joined them in a heap on the floor. “You approve?” he asked, nude now, with an impressive erection a centerpiece for her attentions. God, he was a glorious piece of work. So young, and so firm. Lithe and sinewy, his skin as golden and inviting as a summer afternoon. She reached out a hand to touch his arm, biceps, shoulder. The skin was smooth, the muscles firm, and they shivered beneath her hand. “Yes,” she whispered. “I approve.” He bent low to kiss her, the actions of his tongue a sensual echo of what Josh was doing to her pussy. He sealed his mouth to hers, his tongue laying claim and eliciting a sweet sigh of fulfillment. He eased away and, his eyes never leaving her face, he asked, “How’s she taste, Josh?” “Sweet as honey.” Then Dawson turned to face his lover. “Show me.” She experienced a wicked rush of arousal as she watched the two of them share a deep, hungry kiss. Share her essence.
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“You were wrong.” Dawson returned his gaze to her face. “She’s sweeter.” “I want you to come for me, baby,” said Josh, his mouth returning to her pussy. His fingers sliding inside her channel. “Come in my mouth.” His attentions grew more fervent, his tongue more insistent. He sought out her G-spot and tormented it mercilessly. “Do you want to watch him?” asked Dawson. Unsure what he had in mind, she could only find strength to nod. Quickly and efficiently he lifted her shoulders and maneuvered himself so that she rested between his legs, her head resting on his hard chest, his thick cock nudging her back. And her eyes wide open to watch Josh as he worked her pussy toward oblivion. Dawson’s hands found her breasts, and massaged her nipples. “Touch yourself, baby,” he urged quietly. “Help Josh pleasure you.” Her fingers slid between her feminine lips and were instantly coated with her honey. Josh grabbed her hand, and took a break from her pussy to draw her fingers into his mouth and suckle them. “Beautiful,” he said, bending back to his task, and his tongue darting deeply. She massaged herself, wallowing in the waves of pleasure that had built up around her, were growing inside her. Her own fingers worked, but Josh’s tongue, together with the fact that she knew they were both watching her, were like a magic potion. The orgasm built fresh again. Stronger. Harder and deeper, for the extended foreplay, the heightened arousal. When it hit, she arched her back and let out a cry the likes of which she’d never allowed herself to express before. And then she felt the gush. With each contraction of her pussy, fluid flowed from her in a quantity that startled her. The contractions seemed endless, and so did the supply of cum. “Holy shit!” exclaimed Josh, looking up from his position between her thighs. His voice full of humor, he added, “I’ve never seen that before. She almost drowned me!” “Oh God,” she said, feeling the heat of embarrassment creep into her cheeks. “I’m sorry.” Both men laughed, and a moment later Josh had crawled up the bed to straddle her. His cock nudging her belly, his chest pressed to her breasts. Somewhere along the way, he’d managed to strip as well. He brushed a bit of hair from her face. “If you don’t stop apologizing we’ll have to give you something to really be sorry about.” He kissed her sweetly. “That was beautiful. I love to watch you come.” She smiled, her embarrassment already a distant memory. “But what about you guys? Isn’t it your turn?” “Oh, we’ll get to that,” said Dawson, a distinctive hint of mischief in his voice. “But first we have other plans.” 67
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She frowned, laid a hand on his thigh. “Other plans?” “Definitely,” agreed Josh, his grin equally mischievous. “Many other plans.”
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Chapter Nine Dawson poured another dollop of sweet-scented oil into his palm and rubbed his hands together just hard enough to work up a little heat. He’d been assigned Maddie’s left side, and had started at the neck and shoulder, oiling and massaging skin that was so soft it reminded him of lily petals. It almost made him nervous to apply any pressure for fear it would disintegrate beneath his hands. He’d finally gotten over that fear when she’d begged him to press harder, dig deeper and work out the knots that tended to accumulate along her shoulder blades and spine. He’d complied and been rewarded by deep groans of pleasure and satisfaction that had reverberated directly through his soul. As with Josh he was finding that he gleaned an astounding amount of pleasure from giving her pleasure. He didn’t know if he’d ever experienced that with a woman, and he wasn’t sure why. But either way it was fresh and exciting, and at the moment he wasn’t interested in analyzing—only in exploring the phenomenon further. He worked his way down, drawing firm lines down the length of her arm and massaging her palm in a mirror image of what Josh was doing to her right side. “Oh God,” she mumbled into the pillow. “Do you guys have any idea how good that feels?” “We’re starting to,” said Josh, sliding Dawson a look that made his cock twitch with awareness. It was a sweet torture to be this close to Josh, confronted with that enticing body, and not be able to touch it. Not yet. Then he looked down at the woman lying beneath him and acknowledged that he was hardly making a sacrifice. He could go on stroking that supple flesh all day and never get his fill. On a whim he bent to whisk his tongue across her shoulder, her taste mingling with the vanilla-flavored oil that coated her skin. “Hey. Cut out the detours,” chided Josh playfully. “We’re moving down her back now. Get with the program.” “Yeah, Dawson,” mumbled Maddie. “Get with the program.” “Hear that?” Dawson laughed, his hands working the small of her back, cresting that enticing ass. “I think she’s getting spoiled.” “Good. It’s about time.” Josh massaged her bum, eased his way down the backs of her thighs. Her skin glistened with oil. Like burnished gold. “She needs to be spoiled.” They reached her calves, kneading the taut muscles and turning them to liquid as they worked their way to her feet. When Dawson’s thumb finally dug into her arch she let out a soft sigh of utter delight.
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They lavished a significant amount of attention onto that particular area, and when at last they figured she’d had her fill, Josh trailed a finger lightly up the back of her leg and whisked it gently over her pussy. “Okay, sleeping beauty. Time to flip.” She muttered some quiet protests but did manage to coax her muscles into turning her over onto her back. She flopped back like a rag doll, her eyes heavy-lidded and sexy. Her pert breasts as inviting as a pair of rum ‘n butter ice-cream cones. “Mmm,” said Dawson, tracing his finger around her nipple. “You are good enough to eat.” “Not yet.” Josh extended the oil. “We’re not done. I want her as slippery and shiny as a raindrop.” “Soon though, right?” Dawson rubbed the oil into his palms. “Yes. Soon.” He started a gentler massage of her chest and breasts, but was surprised to notice that instead of closing her eyes in rapture she had opened them, and was watching him intently. “So you like women too, Dawson?” He smiled, gave some extra attention to working that sweet oil over her rib cage. “Oh yeah, love. Liked girls since I was fourteen. Almost got engaged when I was twenty-one.” “Almost?” “I realized I was too young. Wasn’t done playing the field yet and didn’t want to end up hurting her.” And then he said something he’d never said aloud before. “Thank God, too, because I realized later I may have been playing the wrong field altogether.” “You mean you realized you had an attraction to men too.” “Yeah.” He had no reason to keep secrets here. Out of anyone he’d ever met, Maddie and Josh would understand and not judge him for that revelation. And yet it felt strange to admit it out loud. To discuss things he’d spent the last four years trying to hide. “It was shortly after I broke up with Sue that I met Kent.” She touched his thigh with those delicate fingers. “Kent? How did you meet him?” she asked, her voice soft but encouraging. He kept his gaze fixed on her body, concentrating on spreading the oil and working tender muscles. But he couldn’t seem to stop talking. Didn’t seem to want to. “An old cliché, I’m afraid. He and I were sitting in a bar, lamenting the lack of attractive women that night. We got talking about our experiences. Women we’d dated. Dumped. Who had dumped us.” He shrugged, reached for more oil. “And somehow, through all that we both felt a real spark. We just…clicked. We decided to leave the bar and go play pool together for a while. But when we got to the pool hall it was packed, so he ended up inviting me back to his place for some beers.” Both Maddie and Josh remained silent. He noticed that Josh’s movements had slowed, but he continued his massage and Dawson took a strange comfort from that.
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“He was a few years older and must have come from money because he had a nice place complete with a pool. Since I didn’t have a suit along we decided to swim nude. So we stripped but—” He swallowed. “But we never made it into the water.” “Was it a good experience?” asked Josh, his hands now stilled. Dawson met his gaze, and remembered. He remembered standing by the pool, ready to jump in, and feeling Kent walk up behind him. He remembered the touch of Kent’s hand on his shoulder, skimming down his back to cup his ass. How Dawson had remained frozen, held his breath, terrified that Kent would do more—and terrified that he wouldn’t. How his blood had heated when Kent had sneaked both hands around his waist, and rubbed his cock up against Dawson’s ass. He’d stroked Dawson’s cock that was already heavy with need and then he’d whispered, “I want you, Dawson. You are so fuckin’ sexy. I wanna suck you and fuck you and make you come all over me.” And that was exactly what he had done. “Yeah, it was good. Amazing actually. Otherwise I wouldn’t have gone back.” “You saw him again?” This time it was Maddie, and Dawson shifted his gaze to her. “Yes. It was mainly a physical thing. I mean, we didn’t really have a lot in common, but maybe because it was so new and fresh and forbidden…whatever the reason, I couldn’t seem to get enough. Saw him constantly for about three months, until—” He closed his eyes in misery. “Until what?” prompted Josh. “Until my dad walked in on us at my apartment.” Josh groaned. “Fuck.” “Yeah. Exactly.” Because he needed something to do, he poured a little more oil into his palm and started working it into Maddie’s thigh. “He was, to put it mildly, outraged. Threatened to kill Kent, and me soon after if I didn’t quit this queer shit and get my life back together.” “So you stopped? You didn’t see him anymore?” “Yeah, I stopped. Funny, but I didn’t really miss him all that much. I just had this vague sense of dissatisfaction. Like I wanted more and even though I knew what it was, I couldn’t allow myself to have it. I dated women and had some great times, but I was never really happy. A couple of times I fell off the wagon and picked up a guy at a gay bar. But I didn’t really like them. I didn’t want them like I knew I should. It was more out of desperation than anything, I think.” “Is that why you left?” asked Maddie. “Is that why you came to Canada?” “Yeah. My dad had never really forgiven me, and I think more of my family knew than I had originally guessed. So I didn’t feel welcome at home anymore, and I got to thinking that a move would be good for my music career. And maybe I just needed a change anyway. That maybe a kick in the pants like changing continents would
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straighten me out.” He met Josh’s gaze again and allowed himself an ironic smile. “But I guess it doesn’t work that way.” “Well, for what it’s worth, I’m glad you came to Canada.” Josh grinned. “And I’m glad you didn’t get straightened out.” Then he lost his smile. “But goddamn I’d like to go pound some sense into your family.” Dawson grinned, hesitant to acknowledge just how much that little show of support meant to him. “My dad’s six-four and two-hundred-fifty pounds. You’d have your work cut out for you.” “Well, then I’d sic Maddie on him.” Dawson grimaced, glanced at the pixie lying between them. “Hey. No need to get nasty.” She propped herself up on her elbows, her eyes shooting fire. “I could take him, you know.” Both men laughed. “I don’t think we’re disagreeing with you.” “Oh.” She frowned. “Well, then…” They all shared a glance and then burst into fresh laughter. When the laughter had died away it left behind an expectant stillness. Dawson felt the need to fill it. “I’ve never told that story to anyone before.” He shrugged. “I never trusted anyone enough before.” “I’m glad you did.” Then she smiled, stroked a hand down his arm. “And we’re both glad you came, Dawson. You’ve made Josh very happy.” “And what about you, Maddie Page?” He dug his thumb into her quadriceps and massaged down toward the inside of her thigh. “Have I made you happy?” “Uh…” Her eyes fluttered. “Well, that remains to be seen.” Josh’s hands joined in, massaging the inside of her thighs and working their seductive way toward her pussy. He winked. “Maybe I can help with that.” But then, abruptly, Maddie sat up and grabbed both their wrists. “Before we get to that, I have a requirement.” Josh’s eyebrows arched. “A requirement? That sounds ominous.” She tilted her head, fluttered her lashes. “Don’t worry. You’ll love it.” She glanced at Dawson. “You both will.” Maddie stood in awe. Josh and Dawson were a feast for the eyes even under the most ordinary of circumstances. Even clad in jeans and T-shirts they were enough to make any healthy heterosexual woman salivate at the thought of running her hands—or better yet, her tongue—over those sinewy arms and sculpted shoulders. But here, like this, nude, bathed in candlelight and spreading each other liberally with oil…
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She sighed, enjoying the way Josh’s hands glided over Dawson’s chest, rubbing the oil deeply into sculpted pecs and taut abs. Their bodies gleamed, every muscle and sinew highlighted by the flickering candlelight. But even more seductive than the glistening oil was the way their eyes gleamed with desire for one another. It was a little glimpse of heaven. If, that is, angels had been allowed to fornicate with each other. On that naughty thought, she decided it was time to do more than glimpse heaven. She wanted to taste it. She stepped forward, indulged herself by running a hand down each of their backs, and over two of the most taut asses she’d ever seen. They turned mischievous gazes on her. “I thought you were just going to watch us,” said Josh. Her fingers traced their shoulders and biceps. With oil-slicked fingers she squeezed those muscles, enjoyed the way they tensed in response. “With you two, there is no such thing as ‘just watching’. All the senses must be involved.” Hands coasted down chests and abs, to finally wrap tentatively around a pair of fully aroused cocks. Her knees went a little weak. “Well then, let’s involve them.” And before she knew it her body was completely sandwiched between those two lithe, slick bodies. She was face-to-face with Josh, with Dawson’s chest and cock pressed firmly to her back. If not for their strength holding her up, she might have formed a puddle on the floor. “Oh God,” she breathed, wrapping her arms around Josh’s waist. “This is sinful.” She licked Josh’s chest, tasted the oil and his unique flavor. “I’ll have to go to confession first thing in the morning.” While Dawson nuzzled the back of her neck and ran strong hands over every available inch of her, Josh captured her chin and tilted her face to his. “You’re not Catholic.” “I know. But I may have to convert tomorrow.” His mouth curling into a sinful grin, he bent his head to take her mouth. It was slow and seductive. Sweet and tempting, but with a latent heat that gradually built and seared her mouth. She was surrounded by sex, sandwiched between two walls of sleek muscle and tangible desire. Their hands felt like raw silk on her skin. Dawson’s lips laid down tracks of heat along her throat. Josh’s tongue teased hers, then took possession of her mouth. When he finally tore his mouth from hers, it was only to share a hungry kiss with Dawson before shifting his attentions lower. He slid down her body, his skin never breaking contact with hers as his mouth coasted down her chest to her breasts. His tongue circled one nipple, and then the other. He laved and sucked, and all the while Dawson’s hands were kneading her shoulders,
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his mouth hungrily exploring any available skin. She tilted her head back, inviting his kiss and was indulged with an intoxicating sample of that talented mouth. He broke the kiss and stroked a finger along her jaw, even as Josh’s hand slipped between her thighs. “Do you want us, Maddie? Do you want us both inside you?” “Oh,” she groaned, realizing that Dawson’s cock had slid between her ass cheeks and was caressing her anus. “I don’t know if—” She caught her breath when Josh shifted position so that his cock nudged her pussy. “Only if you want it, Maddie,” whispered Josh. “We’re here for you.” His cock was so tempting. Thick and hard and it made her pussy weep with expectation. The sensation of Dawson’s massaging her ass set of little sparks of unexpected heat bursting through her belly. She found herself pressing her hips backward in search of more. “Yes,” she breathed, realizing she’d made her decision. “I want it.” She opened her eyes, and met Josh’s gaze. “I want you both.” His gaze could have seared skin. “Okay,” he breathed, “but we need condoms this time.” He glanced at Dawson. “Both of us.” “Way ahead of ya, mate.” Dawson held up two small packets. Before Josh could question, Dawson added, “Found ‘em when I was looking for the massage oil. Figured it wasn’t a bad idea to grab a couple and keep ‘em handy.” “You’re definitely handy,” observed Josh, already sheathing up. “I’ll give you that.” Maddie’s impatience was mounting. “Will you two get on with it already?” “Fuck,” was all Josh said before grabbing her by the hips and lifting her up, impaling her on his cock and eliciting a yelp of surprise that quickly melted into sweet satisfaction. His hands on her body made her feel safe and secure, and infinitely desired. She wrapped her legs around his thighs and he shifted position slightly so that his back was supported by the wall. Then Dawson’s well-oiled finger slipped inside her ass. She groaned, lay her head on Josh’s shoulder. “Is that okay, baby?” asked Dawson. “Does it feel good?” “Mm-hmm,” was all she could manage, as Josh had begun slowly pumping himself inside her. She was no novice when it came to anal play. Her ex had been rather adept at it, and there had been a period early in their marriage when she had enjoyed it thoroughly, and frequently. They had never tried double penetration, however, and she had always been wary of it, refusing to attempt it even with a toy. But for some reason here, tonight, with these two incredible men it seemed natural and right. Dawson added another finger, pressed deep, and she fisted her hands at Josh’s waist. “You want more? You want my cock?” “Yes,” she breathed. “Fuck me.”
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The tip of Dawson’s well-oiled cock nudged her anus and slipped in easily. She tensed only for a moment, the sensation of fullness strange and a little surprising, but he took his time, and within moments she found herself relaxing and accepting. And enjoying. “Christ, that’s hot,” breathed Dawson, his hands bracketing her rib cage, brushing the undersides of her breasts. To Josh he said, “Don’t rush things. Give me control.” It made sense. With Josh’s back wedged against the wall, his movements were limited, but with each smooth motion of Dawson’s cock, Maddie found that her body’s response gave pleasure to Josh’s cock buried deep inside her. Her clit throbbed with awareness, the pressures and movements overwhelming her senses and driving her higher. Dawson’s thrusts were just deep and strong enough to thrill, but not so hard as to cause discomfort or pain. His sensitivity to her needs, together with the warm sense of possessiveness that she felt through the two sets of hands on her body, blanketed her with warmth and allowed her to let go and give in to the climax that loomed. It hit her hard, a velvet sledgehammer of pleasure that knocked the breath out of her and sent her body spiraling. Her entire body seemed to close like a fist, the contractions so deep and long she began to wonder if she’d ever breathe again. “Holy fuckin’ God,” exclaimed a male voice. She wasn’t sure whose it was because at that moment both men’s bodies tensed as her incredible orgasm milked them both to theirs. When it passed they all remained there, linked together and panting for breath. “You’re incredible,” said Josh, tilting her chin upwards. He kissed her sweetly before turning his attentions to Dawson and accepting a fierce expression of fulfillment. Slowly Dawson withdrew from her body and then Josh did the same, setting her gently on the floor. Her legs almost crumpled and both men caught her. “Hey,” said Josh, laughing. “You okay?” She sighed. “I will be. In a year or two.” “How about a shower?” suggested Dawson. “Yeah, Maddie. Let us soap you up?” But she shook her head. “Not quite yet. Besides my shower is too small for three.” She glanced from Dawson to Josh. “You two go ahead. Maybe I’ll come in and watch in a few minutes.” “You sure?” But she saw the way Josh’s eyes darted toward his lover. She grinned. “Definitely.” “Okay.” But then she squealed as Dawson swept her up in his arms and carried her to the bed. He lay her down gently, covering her with the fluffy duvet. He kissed her cheek.
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“Whenever you’re ready.” He glanced at Josh. “We’ll be eager to help you get cleaned up.” “No doubt.” And with a strange sense of satisfaction she watched them head off toward the bathroom. She listened to them turn on the shower, heard their laughter as one of them apparently slapped the other’s ass and a small wrestling match ensued. She realized at that moment that she’d never felt quite so happy. Quite so complete. She began to cry.
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Chapter Ten Josh did up the zipper on his jeans, and reached for the black T-shirt he’d picked out for the performance that night. He smiled, thinking back over the last few days. The most incredible few days of his life. He and Dawson had spent it writing another two songs and then rehearsing with the band like crazy in order to get the music ready for the club gig they had that Saturday night. They’d shared and created, cooked together and made love, and it had felt so right. So perfect. It almost scared him. The more you had—the more you had to lose. But he couldn’t dwell on that. His only regret was that other than the one night spent with Maddie, he’d been unable to spend any more time with her in the last few days. Not that he hadn’t tried. He and Dawson had invited her over for dinner, offered to cook for her. And when she’d refused, they’d offered to take her out for breakfast one morning. But over and over she’d refused, citing a busy music schedule, not to mention preparations for her move out west. She’d also encouraged him to get to know Dawson. To explore this relationship to its fullest. She wanted him to be happy. Something about the way she had said that had bothered him. As had her avoidance of meeting up again. Their night together had been so incredible for all three of them. And the breakfast they’d shared the next morning had been so easy and comfortable. It had felt as if he’d come home, and he hadn’t even realized he’d been away. He’d been sure she felt the same way, that she’d be interested in repeating the adventure. Her behavior the past week had confused him. She had, at least, agreed to come to their performance that night. She wouldn’t miss it for the world, she had said. And she was bringing Ash with her. Normally the nightclub didn’t allow minors, but the owner was partial to Maddie and had agreed easily to the arrangement. Josh missed the tyke. He had seen him only a week ago, and already he felt a little ache when he thought of the hug that would greet him when he saw the kid again. Plus he wanted to introduce him to Dawson. What the hell he was going to tell Ash about their relationship remained shrouded in fog, but he was certain of one thing. Ash would love Dawson as much as he did. He had to. Smiling, he turned his attention to the man sharing his small dressing room. The smile melted into a puzzled frown. Dawson stood in front of the full-length mirror, staring at himself. But it wasn’t the look of smug admiration one would expect
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from a man who had walked brazenly into an audition and announced that he was there to change Josh’s future. Rather, it was a look of stark terror. “Hey, man. You okay?” He walked over to join his friend. He stood behind him, meeting his gaze in the mirror. Dawson swallowed. “Fuck. I can’t do this.” Josh blinked in disbelief. “What? What are you talking about?” “The people, mate.” Dawson turned and paced to the other side of the room, whirled and pointed in the general direction of the stage. “Have you seen the crowd? That place is packed!” “Of course it is. Stacey and Ray have been promoting the hell out of this gig all week. But this is a good thing! I don’t see the problem.” Fists clenched, Dawson stared at him for a moment then shook his head in frustration. “Bloody hell. I thought…I thought I’d be okay this time.” Suddenly fighting a wave of panic Josh crossed the room and grabbed Dawson by the shoulders. “This time? What the hell are you talking about?” Dawson’s chest was heaving, a few drops of sweat had beaded on his forehead. “Stage fright, mate. I’ve always had trouble playing in front of crowds.” Josh dropped his hands to his sides, stared at him in shock. “Are you fucking kidding me? You’re telling me this now?” “I…I thought it’d be okay this time. It’s been ages since I played in front of more than ten people, and I’ve come such a long way since then. And I know the music so well. I’m really confident about what we’re doing. And I’m so excited and…” He raked his fingers through his hair and his hands were shaking. “I was sure it’d be okay.” “But it’s not.” Dawson shook his head, took two steps and sank down into the one chair in the room. He pressed a hand to his gut. “I feel sick, mate. I just feel sick.” “Oh no,” ground out Josh, a rare temper seething just beneath the surface. “Oh no, you don’t.” He stalked over to Dawson, grabbed him by the shoulders and hauled him to his feet. “You are not going to do this to me. We have come too far, poured too much energy and hope into this for you to screw this up on me now.” “I don’t want to, man. But I can’t go out there.” His chest heaved. “You don’t need me. You can go out there without me. You did it before. You can do it again.” Josh shook his head. “Nuh-uh. No fuckin’ way. This music is written for two guitars. We’ve got harmonies worked in, for chrissake. No. We’re in this together. All the way or nothing. If you don’t go out there…” He hesitated, made his decision. “Neither do I.” Josh was not going to be understanding about this. He was not going to give Dawson a way out, let him run away. “You’re good, Dawson. Too damn good to give up and let your talent rot away in a dank, tiny dressing room. And I’m not going to let you.” 78
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“Jesus, mate. Don’t say that.” Dawson swallowed. “I know all that, but I’ll freeze up if you make me go out there. It’s always been like that. Ever since I was a kid and my dad smacked me and called me a loser because I forgot my line in the kindergarten play.” He tried to laugh that off but it didn’t work, and at that moment Josh realized just how deep this fear must run. “It’s just always been.” Josh grasped his shoulders again, squeezed. Because suddenly he understood and knew what he had to do, he softened his voice. His tone took on an air of soft authority. “You’re forgetting something important, Dawson. Something really important.” “What? What could I possibly be forgetting that will make that much difference?” Josh whispered, “Me. You’ve never had me before. Standing up there beside you. Playing with you. Helping to hold you up. Being there for you.” He paused, hesitated, but only for a moment. “Loving you.” Dawson’s eyes went wide. He blinked, whispered, “Wh-what? What did you say?” “You heard me.” Slowly, but with a sense of purpose and absolute certainty, Josh drew Dawson in for a kiss. He covered Dawson’s mouth with his own, and in one of his rare moments, took absolute control of the kiss. He wrapped his arms around Dawson and drew him in tight, gratified when Dawson responded with a fierce hug of his own. He returned the kiss with equal ardor and ferocity, melting into it in a way that expressed more eloquently than words, how much he returned the feeling. In the back of his mind Josh heard the soft knock on the dressing room door, but he was too lost in the haze of desire to react quickly. The door burst open, “Ten minutes, guys. Just wanted to—” They leapt apart as if they’d both been hit with a cattle prod. Breathless and his face already heated with embarrassment, Josh turned to face his manager. Stacey stood in the doorway, half in the room and half out of it, her hand wrapped tightly around the knob, and her eyes wide with surprise. “St-Stacey,” stuttered Josh. “I…” He glanced at Dawson who merely shrugged. “I mean—” “Don’t bother.” She stepped inside and closed the door behind her. “I get the picture loud and clear.” His stomach suddenly in knots and his knees weak, it was Josh’s turn to sink into the chair. He felt Dawson move up behind him, felt the warmth as Dawson’s hands settled on his shoulders. “I’m sorry, Stacey. I don’t know what else to say but…I’m sorry.” He looked up at the sound of her laughter. “Sorry? What the hell do you have to be sorry about?” He opened his mouth to answer then slowly closed it again. He glanced up at Dawson. “I…I don’t know. I just felt like I should be, I guess.” “Well, don’t be.” She moved over and knelt in front of him, placing a pair of strong, feminine hands on his knees. “I’m just glad you’re happy, that’s all. I was suspicious of
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this all week. I’m actually glad to see I was right!” Her grin widened. “I mean, look who’s talking here, eh? I think it’s the best thing since vibrating dildos and laser hair removal.” On some level Josh knew he shouldn’t be surprised, but even so there were still issues. “Well, that’s great, but if you were suspicious then that means we’re not hiding it very well. We have to be more careful. This could be a marketing nightmare.” But she shook her head. “Nonsense. I was suspicious because I knew what to look for. I’ve been spotting secret, forbidden love affairs for years. You get good at it when you travel in my circles.” She reached for his hand and wrapped it firmly in hers. “What the audience will see is exactly what they want to see. Two hot, sexy men singing rock and roll. The sexual energy that rolls off you two when you’re playing is phenomenal. They won’t realize it’s because you two are hot for each other. They’ll just read it as your being hot and assume it’s for them.” She blew out a breath. “I haven’t been with a man for ten years, and even I was turned-on watching you two practice. This is no marketing nightmare. It’s a marketing dream!” Josh considered that. “O…okay.” “Now you can’t exactly go walking on stage holding hands. And no kissing at the end of the performance or any crap like that. I mean, I’m not an idiot. But as long as you’re a little bit careful, this is all cool with me.” She released his hand and stood. “Got it?” He stood, his anxiety displaced by excitement. “I got it.” “Good. Now get ready and go out there and wow ‘em. This is a big night, you know. You’re playing your own music for the first time and—” She seemed to catch herself. “And what?” “Nothing. You just need to make it count, okay? Just play your best.” Josh saluted. “Yes, ma’am.” Her hand on the doorknob, Stacey tossed a scowl over her shoulder. “Fuck the ma’am shit. Call me that again and I’ll sic Amy on you.” Josh laughed at the reference to her partner. Amy was about as big as a pencil, and just as thick. “Little Amy?” “Are you kidding? Ballet dancers have muscles on their muscles. One well-aimed kick from those pretty satin slippers and you’d be seeing stars, buddy.” He raised his hands in submission. “Okay. No fucking with Amy.” She nodded. “Exactly. By the way, we’re having you guys over for supper on Wednesday. Seven o’clock. Bring wine.” And before Josh could reply she was gone, the door slamming cheerfully behind her. He stared after her. “I have the best manager in the world.” “Yeah. I think you do.” 80
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Remembering what had precipitated all this, Josh whirled and grabbed Dawson by the shoulders again. “Are you okay? Can you do this?” There was still some trepidation in his eyes, but now it was mixed with something else. He met Josh’s gaze and, very slowly, a smile crept across his lips. “Yeah. With you there with me…I think I can do this.” “Awesome.” He wrapped his arm around Dawson’s shoulders. “Let’s go drive the women wild.” Dawson laughed. “I do like the sound of that!”
***** Maddie sipped from her ginger ale and took stock of the crowd that had built around them. Their table, just off to the side on a raised dais, gave them an excellent view of the club. The posters Stacey had put up around the city had apparently done their job. The room was packed and already buzzing with excitement. The crowd was young and full of energy, the outfits hip, tight-fitting and skimpy, at times verging on scandalous. She hoped she’d made the right decision by bringing Ash here. But he’d been so excited. How could she say no? “Isn’t it time yet?” “Almost, honey. Almost.” Ash was virtually squirming in his seat. He’d already finished his second cola and was, no doubt, riding a sugar high. “What’s the new guy’s name again, Mom? Dax?” “No. Dawson. Like that TV show? You know, Dawson’s Creek?” “Right.” He nodded. “And he’s from Australia.” “Uh-huh.” He popped a piece of ice into his mouth. “I wonder if he knows Crocodile Dundee.” Ash thought the entire Australian culture revolved around Crocodile Dundee and Kangaroo Jack. Smiling to herself, she decided against shattering that little fantasy. Then found herself reminiscing over the fact that movie star or not, Crocodile Dundee certainly had nothing on Dawson Kidd. She recalled running her hands over that deeply tanned skin, savoring the way those muscles quivered beneath her touch. And then she recalled how it had felt to be caught between those two slick walls of sensuous muscle. That made her think of Josh. And thinking of Josh made her heart ache. He’d called or left messages at least a half dozen times this week. Asking how she was. How things were coming with the move. Wondering if they could get together. He wanted to see her. Hell, Dawson wanted to see her. He’d already gotten attached to her. Apparently they’d talked about her quite a bit. And for exactly that reason she had realized she had to keep her distance. She couldn’t let herself get sucked into their lives. They needed to focus on their music and on each other. As much as she enjoyed being with them, for as much as she felt 81
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welcomed and like a part of them, she couldn’t allow it to continue. She couldn’t let them all get used to being together, start to get comfortable. She had to go. Her time here was limited. And building a relationship would just make the separation that much harder. “Mom?” asked Ash, his little hand settling on hers. “You okay?” She nodded, managed a smile. “I’m fine, honey. Really.” At that moment, the lights went down and an announcer cried out simply, “Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…Shiver!” The spotlights flashed on and Maddie was startled to find that the boys were already in place, must have come out in the dark and taken up position in secret. Josh and Dawson were center stage and from the first chord, the crowd was riveted. They didn’t play their own songs immediately. They had to warm the crowd up first. But the Bon Jovi song they’d picked to start out with was high energy and fun and gave the crowd something to get revved about. Soon the dance floor was full and the sound level had hit a climax. “Wow!” yelled Ash over the music. “That other guy can play!” “Yeah,” she said, watching with affection as the two men exchanged a hot, sexy glance that was sure to melt the panties off more than a few female fans. “They both can.”
***** “Are you sure he isn’t too heavy?” asked Maddie as Dawson trudged up the stairs toward her condo. “I don’t want you putting your back out.” He glanced down at the boy snuggled in his arms, remembered the absolute awe that had shone in his eyes as he asked Dawson all about his home and his life and his music. “Don’t be ridiculous. I may not be up to wrestling crocs, but I think I can carry one small boy up a few stairs.” Maddie groaned and Josh snickered. Maddie tossed Josh a nasty look. “I’m sorry about that, Dawson. Crocodile Dundee is about the only Australian icon he can identify with.” “No worries, Maddie.” He glanced back down at Ash. Couldn’t seem to help himself. He’d felt an instant connection to the kid, and he was sure it was more than the severe case of hero-itis that Ash had developed that night. “It was a kick hearing him talk about it.” The four of them had hit the pizza parlor right after the second set at the club. Maddie had intended to take Ash home after the first set, but he wouldn’t hear of it. He’d insisted on sticking it out and hangin’ out with the big boys right up until midnight. He’d been so excited, peppering Dawson with questions and thrilling to his stories of roos and spiders so big they could steal a small baby, that he hadn’t even yawned once. Only when the last slice of garlic bread had been polished off did he 82
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finally begin to show signs of wear. He’d yawned and his eyes had glazed over, but he’d propped his lids open like a real trooper. Only when they’d settled into the back of the cab had he finally succumbed to exhaustion. He’d snuggled in between Josh and Dawson, wrapped one fist tightly around Josh’s fingers and laid his head contentedly on Dawson’s shoulder as Mom looked on from the front seat and smiled. It had flitted through Dawson’s mind that this was what family was supposed to be about, but he’d immediately banished those thoughts and tried to focus on what was real and solid. Josh. For now Josh was the most real and solid thing in his life. Josh and Shiver were his present and hopefully his future. Dreams of loving families and houses brimming over with noise and laughter were not worth wasting the energy on. He’d done the family thing. Had grown up in a house full of brothers and sisters. It wasn’t at all like the Brady Bunch and he had no wish to repeat the experience. But when Maddie opened the door to her apartment and led Dawson through to Ash’s room full of rock star posters and Lord of the Rings paraphernalia he felt an odd wave of longing. “Here,” whispered Maddie, pulling back the sheets. “We’ll just get his jeans off and get him comfortable.” “I’ll go crack open some beers,” said Josh. “After I hit the head, that is.” And, grimacing, he’d scurried from the room, leaving Dawson and Maddie grinning in his wake. “One too many beers already, I’d venture,” observed Maddie as Dawson laid Ash down, resting his head on the fluffy white pillow. “I think he lost track tonight.” “Yes,” agreed Maddie. “I don’t know if I’ve ever seen him so pumped. So happy.” Her smile was far away and oddly endearing. Her affection for Josh and the satisfaction she gleaned from his happiness was her most attractive feature. And considering how beautiful he found her, that was truly saying something. She moved to the side of the bed and popped the button on Ash’s jeans, carefully working the denim down those matchsticks the kid used for legs—frankly, Dawson wondered that he could stand let alone run in those track-and-field competitions Maddie had mentioned. Making a concerted effort to keep his gaze away from Maddie, Dawson reached for the duvet and carefully tucked it in around the boy, snuggling it tightly under his chin and taking a moment to admire the way those long lashes were fanned out over a pair of warm, pale cheeks. He smiled, sighed and then looked up to catch Maddie watching him. Their gazes held for a moment, a moment that seemed to hang in the air interminably, and made Dawson suddenly self-conscious. He averted his gaze. “You genuinely like him, I think,” she said. That startled him. “Huh? Josh?”
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“No, there’s no doubt on that count. I’m talking about Ash.” “Of course I do. I thought that was obvious.” She nodded. “It was. But I began to wonder if it was a little…too obvious.” He tucked his hands into the pockets of his jeans, puzzling over that. “You thought I was faking my affection for the tyke in order to ingratiate myself to Josh?” She shrugged. “I…considered the possibility.” His outrage was short-lived. He blew it out on a sigh, resting his eyes on the figure dozing so peacefully beneath the duvet covered with starbursts and elven faces. “No. I really enjoyed him tonight. Maybe because I miss my own little brother. Not that he ever looked at me with that kind of unconditional awe. He had way too many big brothers to choose from. I was never anything special to him. It’s kinda nice to be special to someone.” Oddly he found himself fighting tears, and was startled to feel Maddie’s hand slip into his. “You are special, Dawson. You’re special to Ash, and you’re special to Josh.” She squeezed his hand, the fingers surprisingly strong. “And you’re becoming very special to me.” He smiled down at her. “I think that might just be the nicest compliment anyone has ever paid me.” She smiled again, shook her head in what he could only guess was amazement. “I have to say it’s going to make leaving that much easier because I’ll know Josh is being well looked after. Well loved.” On an impulse Dawson pulled her close and wrapped his arms around that tiny waist. He tipped up her chin. “Well, then that’s unacceptable, because we definitely don’t want to make it easy for you to leave.” She stared up at him, her eyes so soft in the dim light that filtered in from the street. But even in the muted light he could see the tears begin to well up in her eyes. “Hey!” he brushed away the moisture. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.” She rested her head against his chest and filled his soul with warmth. “It’s not easy, Dawson. Believe me.” In the next room they heard Josh begin to softly pick out a tune on the piano. “It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.” “Then don’t go.” He hadn’t meant to say it, but it was already out there and he couldn’t take it back. “I don’t want to.” She lifted her head and met his gaze again. “But I have no choice.” “There are always choices.” “Not this time. Not for me.” “Maybe this will change your mind.” He didn’t know what possessed him, but in that moment it just felt right. It felt so natural to bend his head and lay his lips against hers. To kiss her sweetly and deeply and to hold her body tight, as if he actually had the ability to shield her from whatever challenges and struggles she faced. 84
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His uncertainty melted quickly, however, as it was apparent she had no objection to his attention. She wrapped her arms around him and gave herself over to his embrace. Her mouth sweet and yielding, her tongue pliant and eager. When he pulled away, he left her breathless, her eyes dewy. “Did it work?” he asked. But before she could answer they heard the rustle of covers and a soft moan from the figure on the bed. “Damn it,” lamented Maddie. “Couldn’t Josh keep quiet for five minutes?” “Dos,” muttered Ash, his heavy-lidded eyes struggling to stay open. “Are you here?” Dawson thought his heart would burst from his chest. He bent down and tucked the covers back up under Ash’s chin. “I’m right here, buddy.” His eyes fluttered open and a tiny hand reached for his. “Would you lie down with me?” Maddie laid a hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay,” she said. “You don’t have to. He’s just a bit restless because of all the excitement. I’ll stay with him until he falls asleep again.” But Dawson shook his head. “No, no. That’s okay. He asked for me. I’d like to stay.” Maddie’s smile told him she approved. The little squeeze she gave his hand told him so much more than that. “Okay. We’ll have a beer waiting for you in the kitchen.”
***** Josh got up from the piano and plunked himself down on Maddie’s couch. He tried to ignore the stack of boxes piled in the far corner. Instead he turned his gaze on the door to Ash’s room. Maddie handed him a beer and set another on the coffee table, ready for Dawson. “Does that bother you?” she asked, settling in the armchair across from him. “Hmm? What? Does what bother me?” He took a swig of beer and figured it should be his last of the evening. She motioned with her head toward Ash’s room. “That. The fact that Ash took so strongly to Dawson.” He considered that and realized there had been a moment in the pizza parlor when he’d felt a tiny twinge of jealousy. Ash was his buddy, after all. Josh was used to being his hero, the only man in his life that truly mattered. But then Dawson had laughed and looked at him with those incredible amber eyes and the flood of warmth he had felt at his friend’s happiness had washed all the doubts away. “No,” he said softly. “It doesn’t. The fact that it makes Dawson happy is more important than anything. And believe me, that surprises me as much as it does you.”
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Maddie’s gaze rested on him for a very long time, and for some reason it made him distinctly uncomfortable. “Stop looking at me like that. You’re givin’ me the willies.” Smiling, she set down her own can of Coke and rounded the coffee table to sit beside him. She planted a warm kiss on his cheek then rested her cheek on his shoulder. “I’m just so happy for you, Josh. I’m glad you have Dawson.” She sighed. “Especially now.” He felt a twinge of sadness, and part of him resented her for it. Everything was going so well. They had a studio date booked in a couple of weeks, and Stacey said she was in contact with a label that might be interested. He had his music, he had a budding career and now he had Dawson as well. Maddie’s exodus from his life felt like a whitehot poker in his side. He wanted her and Ash, too. He wanted everything, and part of him resented her for stealing that from him. He shifted away from her and stood, walking over to the stack of boxes. He placed one hand on the top box, took another swig of beer. “You’re not wasting any time, I see.” Her face fell. “No. I guess not.” “So how long, do you figure? Another month?” She stared at him, and in the dim light he wasn’t sure if there were tears in her eyes or not. “Josh, can we please not talk about this tonight? Your performance was so incredible. Dawson is so incredible. Everyone had such a good time tonight. I don’t want to ruin that.” Under his breath he muttered, “Too late.” To her he said, “No. I want to know. You had said a couple of months, but the way the apartment looks you might as well be moving out tomorrow.” And it was true. Now that he really looked around, the place was beginning to take on that sterile look. As if Maddie were already half gone. She looked intently at her glass. “I talked to my…sister a lot this week. Things are happening faster than I expected. And considering the circumstances the landlady is being very understanding. She has people asking about this building all the time, so renting it out is no problem.” Josh’s stomach twisted into knots. “What does all that mean?” She lifted her eyes to his. “Next Sunday. I’m leaving a week from tomorrow.” He was stunned. Shocked. Suddenly he couldn’t breathe. This couldn’t be happening. Not this soon. “A week? A lousy fucking week?” “Josh, please.” He could hear the tears in her voice but he didn’t fucking care. “Please what? Please take you to the airport, shove you on a plane and pretend like I don’t care? Like it doesn’t matter?” “No.” Her breath caught. “Please don’t make this any harder than it already is.”
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“Hard? Hard? It doesn’t seem like it’s hard for you at all! In fact it seems more like you can hardly wait to get away from me!” “Josh!” “Hey!” Dawson stepped into the room and closed Ash’s door softly behind him. “What’s goin’ on? You guys are gonna wake the little croc-wrestler.” Josh opened his mouth to reply, but the trill of his cell phone interrupted his tirade. He was almost grateful for it, and gave little thought to the fact that it was past midnight. He saw the number and noted that it was Stacey. He flipped it open. “What?” “Josh! Oh my God, Josh. You are not going to believe this.” He blinked, the anguish of a moment before fading quickly. “Stacey? What is it?” “Something’s happened. Josh. I have the most incredible news!”
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Chapter Eleven Maddie watched Josh as he spoke to his manager, her excitement growing with every passing moment. Josh’s eyes went wide and suddenly his face flushed. “But…how?” he asked. “How did he just happen to be there?” She glanced at Dawson who shrugged, before they both returned their attention to Josh. “You didn’t. Stacey, for chrissake—” He blinked. “Yeah. Of course. If it worked it was worth it. But I owe you big-time.” Another long stretch of silence in which Josh glanced from Dawson to her and back again, a grin slowly spreading across his lips. “Okay. Uh-huh.” He licked his lips, gave them a huge thumbs-up sign. “We’ll be there!” At last he signed off and flipped his phone closed. He kept it in his hand, staring at it as if it were a doorway to a magical land. “Well?” she asked, fists clenched in absolute frustration. “What was that about?” He finally slipped the phone into his pocket and propped his hands on his hips. An enormous grin split his face. “It seems we’ve got a recording contract!” He looked to Dawson. “Or at least we will when go in and sign on the dotted line on Monday.” Dawson’s eyes were as big as dinner plates. “Are you fuckin’ kidding me?” “Nope. Not kidding. Not according to Stace.” He looked to Maddie. “You got any more champagne? I think this calls for some.” He headed to the kitchen and started rooting through her liquor cupboard. “But how, mate?” “There was a representative from Metronotes there tonight. He liked what he heard, and Stacey convinced him there was lots more where that came from. I guess he wants to snatch us up before anyone else can.” He pulled out a bottle and frowned at it. “What the hell happened to your collection of wines? All you’ve got is peppermint schnapps?” “My wine is already packed,” said Maddie. “Jeez. You don’t waste any time, do you?” She glanced at Dawson who just shrugged. They followed Josh into the kitchen. “Wait a second. What’s Metronotes?” “They’re a Canadian record label based out of Toronto. They’re a new kid on the block but they’ve already got quite a few hits on the charts. Their artists are making waves.” He grinned. “In other words, they’re hot, baby!” 88
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“And this guy just happened to be there tonight?” Josh found some glasses, unscrewed the cap. “Well, Stacey set it up. She paid the guy off.” “She bribed him to come listen?” “Pretty much. A pretty hefty one, too, I guess. I told her she was nuts, that she shouldn’t have done it. But she said she had to do something drastic. And it paid off.” He held out two glasses and grinned. “She said I can pay her back out of the royalties from my first platinum album.” Still fighting disbelief, Maddie accepted the glass. But when she looked into Josh’s shining eyes all the doubts melted away. She whispered, “It’s really going to happen for you, Josh. Isn’t it?” He nodded, his smile growing impossibly wider when Dawson’s arm looped around his waist. “I think so, Maddie. I really do.” “Well, then…” Tears brimming in her eyes, she lifted her glass. “Here’s to platinum albums and crafty managers.” Dawson lifted his. “To talent and determination.” Josh’s glass joined theirs. “And to the best friends a guy could ask for.” The glasses clinked together and all three tossed back their drinks in a single shot. The potent alcohol seared Maddie’s throat and warmed her belly, but when her knees went weak it had nothing to do with the booze. And everything to do with watching Josh and Dawson share a passionate, celebratory kiss. She sighed, leaning against the counter as they gripped each other’s shirts and sank deeply into each other’s mouths. Deciding she needed another dose of schnapps to calm her raging libido, she reached for the bottle. She poured herself another shot. “You guys are killing me. You should go get a room.” But when she lifted the glass to her mouth, she stopped. Two pairs of eyes had been turned her way, and the look flickering in those depths could only be described as hungry. She blinked, the heady scent of peppermint filling her nostrils. “What?” They moved in on her like predators, surrounding her, stalking her like a pair of panthers. “We don’t want a room,” murmured Josh, his chest against her back, his lips nuzzling her earlobe. Dawson took up the forward position, his chest already pressed to her breasts. His hands bracketing her hips. “That’s right. We want you.” His face was close to hers. So close that she could smell the mint on his breath and see the subtle shadow of blond stubble on his chin. “B-but…”
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She felt Josh lift the shot glass from her fingers, and realized she had been very close to dropping it. His tongue traced her neck, his teeth nibbled her shoulder. “No buts. We want to celebrate, and what better way is there?” Her head lolled back, exposing her throat to Dawson who took full advantage. He peppered kisses all down her neck. His hands had crept up to her rib cage. She shouldn’t. She knew she shouldn’t. This was their celebration, and she said so. Josh responded by chiding her. “You’re as much a part of this success as anyone, Maddie.” Dawson lifted his head and, looking down at her with those soulful amber eyes, added, “And you’re leaving soon. This may be our last chance to be together.” Oh God. He was right. And she was weak. So weak. She had never foreseen herself being so hedonistic. So self-indulgent as to get involved with two men at the same time. Her life had been about music and creativity and self-discipline. This seemed so out of character compared to who she was. But maybe the prospect of what she faced over the next few months was changing her perspective. She had the sense she was going to feel very alone over the next few months. Perhaps it wasn’t such a bad thing to indulge herself in a few more hours of feeling absolutely protected and cared for. “What do you say, Maddie?” Josh’s hands had sneaked around to cup her breasts. “Can we celebrate with you?” She gave in. “Okay. But in the bedroom. Just in case Ash wakes up.” Considering how tired he was, the chances of that were astronomically small, but she couldn’t risk it. “On our way.” And this time she found herself whisked up into Dawson’s arms. She laughed. “You guys need to find a new routine.” “What? You don’t like chivalry?” She traced a finger down Dawson’s chest. “I do. But maybe I’d like a bad boy now and then too.” Dawson tossed her on the bed and Josh closed the door firmly behind them and locked it. He crossed the room to join Dawson at the side of the bed. “Bad boys, eh?” He frowned, turned to Dawson. “What, exactly, is the definition of a bad boy?” Dawson frowned, turned his gaze on her. “We could put on leather jackets and slap you around a bit. Would you like that?” She rolled her eyes. “No, eh?” Josh snapped his fingers. “I know!” “What?” “Bad boys ignore women. It’s the whole cool, distant, aloof thing.” He took a drag on an imaginary cigarette, and blew imaginary smoke high into the air. “Drives the chicks wild.”
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Dawson nodded. “That’s true. Women love that I-don’t-give-a-shit shit.” Maddie propped herself up on her elbows. “Well, I, for one, do not enjoy being ignored.” They ignored her. Dawson turned a hooded gaze on Josh. “You, however, are screaming out for attention.” He skimmed his hands over Josh’s chest, making soft growling sounds deep in the base of his throat. A shiver passed through him. “Oh yeah? What kind of attention?” Maddie’s excitement had been mounting in anticipation of seeing one of those delicious kisses, but Dawson surprised her. In a heartbeat Josh’s jeans were in a puddle on the floor and Dawson had dropped to his knees, taking Josh’s cock deeply into his mouth. “Oh Christ,” moaned Josh, apparently taken just as off guard as Maddie had been. He stumbled a bit, the backs of his legs seeking support against the bed and forcing Dawson to scramble after him. Biting her lower lip, Maddie shifted position in order to see them better. Josh had sunk his fingers into Dawson’s hair, following the motion of his head as that talented mouth traveled up and down the length of his cock. His eyelids drooped and he let out a soft murmur of satisfaction when Dawson cupped his balls and trailed his tongue around the head of Josh’s cock. Maddie gave in to temptation and reached up to trace the curve of Josh’s ass. His eyes snapped open and he turned them on her. The heat in his eyes made her tummy flutter, and she squeezed his ass a little harder. “Come on, Maddie,” said Dawson, his hand wrapped around Josh’s cock. “Help me out here. Take his shirt off.” “My pleasure.” Rising to her knees, she moved in behind Josh and whisked off his shirt. The muscles in his back were taut, and they trembled slightly as she ran her hands over them, savoring every sinew. Soaking in the energy that rippled off him in waves. Because she needed to feel close to him, she removed her own shirt and bra, pressing her breasts against his back as she massaged the muscles of his buttocks and drew her tongue along his shoulder blade. She could sense the motion of Dawson’s head increasing, Josh’s body’s response growing more urgent. His breathing accelerated. She slipped a finger into the crease of his ass and toyed with the edges of his anus. His head fell back. “Christ. You guys are killing me.” “Le petit mort,” whispered Maddie, her finger sinking deeper. “The French know what they’re talking about.” Her other hand snaked around his waist and dropped to touch the base of his cock.
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Dawson took just a moment to run that wet, hot tongue over her fingers and kiss the back of her hand before returning to his task. Josh’s body tensed. “You gotta stop, man.” Dawson didn’t stop. “Fuck.” Maddie could feel the rapid-fire beat of Josh’s heart pounding through her. “I don’t wanna come yet.” “Yes, you do.” The commanding tone of Dawson’s voice sent a little shiver skipping down Maddie’s spine. “Come for me.” He returned to his task and Maddie could sense Josh let go. His body went rigid and his chest heaved, but he managed to muffle the cry that she knew must have felt like a giant fist in his throat. When it was over, he wilted a little bit and she lent her support to his back. “That was so hot,” she whispered against his shoulder, her tongue darting out to taste his sweat. “Yeah,” agreed Dawson who had stood to face his lover. “And you taste like vanilla.” Josh chuckled. “You’re crazy, man.” “About you.” Dawson cupped Josh’s jaw in his hands and lavished a hard, hungry kiss on his lips. When he was done, he continued to hold Josh’s face in his hands, studying him as if he couldn’t quite believe what he was seeing. But to Maddie he said, “So how do you like being ignored?” She grinned. “Works for me.” “I gotta lie down,” said Josh. “My legs are jelly.” Then he turned his head to Maddie. “But I want to lie with my face between your legs.” “Oh,” she said, those words sending a gush of wetness to her pussy. “Really?” “Yeah, really,” agreed Dawson. “I think we’ve ignored you long enough.” Josh knelt on the bed between Maddie’s outstretched legs. She was sitting up, nude now, the flicker of candlelight casting her honey-toned skin in a seductive glow. He cupped one delicately formed breast and thumbed a nipple. “Do you know how long I’ve wanted you, Maddie?” Her eyes echoed with sadness. “I’m sorry, Josh. I never meant—” He pressed a finger to her lips. “Don’t be sorry. Just be with me now.” She nodded, accepted the sweet, insistent kiss he lavished on her lips. He dipped his tongue into her mouth and tasted passion. And trust. “Lie back,” instructed Dawson when Josh had drunk his fill of her mouth. And while Josh traced his tongue down her throat and chest on his way to ecstasy, Dawson eased her back onto the mound of pillows he’d fashioned.
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“Mmm,” groaned Maddie when Josh’s tongue finally tickled the edges of her pussy. “You tease.” He grinned, parted her labia and drew his tongue down the length of her cunt. He lapped up the fluid that had pooled in her channel and licked her until she gleamed. “You two should have some time alone,” whispered Dawson, his mouth next to Josh’s ear. “I’ll go—” “No,” said Josh, lifting his head just long enough to meet Dawson’s gaze. “I want you to fuck me.” Dawson’s eyes registered surprise—which melted into lust. “What do you say, Maddie? Mind if I fuck him while he licks you?” “You two are evil.” Dawson grinned. “I take that as a yes.” “But first…” Maddie lifted her head, pointed to Dawson’s groin where a raging hard-on had taken up residence. “I want a taste of that thing.” “You’re pretty naughty for a piano teacher.” She just crooked a finger at him and, with a wink in Josh’s direction, Dawson complied. He straddled Maddie’s shoulders and Josh had a glorious view of the motions of his ass as he thrust his cock into her mouth. Josh groaned his pleasure at the display, his tongue tickling her clit as he sank two fingers deeply into her channel. Maddie made little grunts of delight as her mouth drew its sensuous way up and down Dawson’s shaft, and every once in a while her pussy clenched in response to the attentions of Josh’s tongue. When he began palpating her G-spot, however, it appeared to be too much for her to handle. “Fuck!” she exclaimed, her head dropping back onto the pillows. “I think…I mean…” She groaned, her honey coating his hand and soaking into the sheets. “I think she’s toast.” Dawson swung himself off her and turned his gaze on Josh. “But she got me pretty warmed up.” Josh’s eyes told him he wanted whatever Dawson was ready to dish out. “Christ, you’re amazing.” “Lube?” asked Dawson. “Nightstand.” Maddie pointed to her right. Dawson opened the drawer and pulled out a small tube and a condom that he’d apparently found there as well. “Well, you’ve got stuff everywhere, don’t you?” teased Josh. “I had no idea.” “Yes, you did. You were just in denial.” While they joked, Dawson maneuvered himself around the bed so that he knelt behind Josh. Josh heard the soft echo of tearing plastic.
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The next thing he felt was the moist tip of Dawson’s lubricated cock pressing against his anus. Josh closed his eyes, savoring the taste of Maddie’s juices along with the anticipation of Dawson’s cock. “Are you watching, baby?” asked Dawson. “Mmm,” was Maddie’s response. Dawson thrust deep, and Josh thought it couldn’t get any better than this. Maddie watched, her mind a thrill-ride, her body a riot of sensation. She could still taste him on her tongue, still feel the pulsing heat of him as he filled her mouth. And now that same cock was pounding into Josh with a controlled fury that set her soul on fire. The small groan of pleasure that had reverberated through Josh at the moment of penetration had almost been enough to send her over the edge. That along with his mouth. That sinful mouth… Josh’s tongue was quick and talented. Light and teasing one moment, firm and insistent the next. His fingers on her G-spot were slowly driving her higher, building her up toward a climax that she suspected would be bone-shattering. She could already feel it growing low in her belly. The fingers of pleasure coiling around her spine and creeping higher. Higher. Ironically it was Dawson’s cry of release and the resounding vibrations of Josh’s response that sent her over the crest. She arched her back, stifling a cry as she pushed her pussy against Josh’s face, and his fingers palpated deep inside her. She gushed again, as she had suspected she would, and in the aftermath, the exclamations of pleased laughter washed over her like a soothing summer breeze. “You’re amazing,” said Josh, crawling up her body and lavishing a kiss on her lips. He lay down beside her and pulled her to him, chest to chest and eye to adoring eye. “I’ll second that,” said Dawson, moving in behind her, effectively sandwiching her once more between two of the finest specimens of male flesh she’d ever laid eyes on. He dropped a kiss on her shoulder and she snuggled in a little tighter. “Will you stay?” she asked dreamily. “If you want.” Josh brushed some hair from her face. “If you want, we’ll stay forever.” She nodded, barely registering the full depth of what he had said before sleep crept up and stole her away.
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Chapter Twelve Josh’s nose woke up long before the rest of him. Snuggled up to a warm, soft body, with a shaft of morning sunlight falling across his shoulder, he would have been quite content to lounge where he was all day. But then he smelled the coffee. He’d already found out that, supplied with the right ingredients, Dawson had a knack for brewing a—as he put it—ripper cup of coffee. So as the aroma of cinnamonlaced coffee gradually seeped into his nostrils, so did the awareness that this meant that Dawson was up and about and, no doubt, puttering around a strange kitchen. Momentarily torn between sharing a good-morning kiss with Dawson or remaining snuggled with Maddie, Josh gently propped himself up on one elbow and studied the woman breathing softly beside him. The morning sun flattered her, making her hair glitter and lending an almost golden glow to her complexion. Long brown lashes were fanned across her cheeks, her expression serene in sleep. He’d always thought of her as nymph-like. Something of a pixie with her delicate body and fine bone structure. But today she looked nothing short of angelic. He brushed his lips across her cheek and whispered, “I love you, Maddie Page. I know I’ve never said it before, but it’s always been true.” With that he tucked the covers in snugly around her shoulders and eased himself out of bed, careful not to disturb the sleeping beauty. Surprised to see it was already nine thirty, he pulled on his jeans and made his way quietly to the kitchen in search of the other love of his life. Strangely enough he saw no disparity in that thought. Love wasn’t something that you hoarded in your heart until the day you could lavish on that one, special person. He believed that the more you loved, the more you learned to love and the more your capacity for love could grow. He was just luckier than most in that he had found two people to bestow his affections on at the same time. But not for long, he reminded himself. Maddie was leaving. And on that thought he lost the euphoric mood he’d been enjoying just a few moments before. Dawson looked over from the microwave. He had a bag of popcorn in his hand all ready to go. “Hey.” He spoke softly, obviously being careful not to wake the stillsleeping household. He set down the popcorn bag and reached for the coffeepot. “What’s with you? Something wrong?” Josh shrugged, crossed to the kitchen and accepted the mug of coffee Dawson had poured for him.
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He took a sip and thought he could do worse than to find an Aussie lover with a knack for fine Columbian brew. Dawson leaned a hip against the counter and sipped. “Ah. It’s okay. I understand.” “You do?” “Her. In there.” He nodded toward the bedroom. “It’s an incredible thing, finding something this wonderful. For all of us, I mean. And a painful thing to think about losing it.” Josh shook his head, smiled. “How is it you know me so well already?” “I know. Scary, isn’t it?” He grimaced. “After a year we’ll be finishing each other’s sentences.” “And after ten?” “Christ. Are you crazy? In ten years I’ll be thirty-five! An old man! I’ll barely be able to lift my guitar.” Josh laughed, his worries all but forgotten. “Ah, come on. Look at Jagger. He’s still rockin’ at sixty-five.” “Yeah, I know. And he looks seventy. It’s not pretty.” They both chuckled, enjoying the simple pleasure of good coffee paired with good company. “Well,” added Josh, “Jagger may not have aged well, but he was never particularly hot. The chicks only dug him for his music.” “And his lips, man. Don’t forget his lips.” Josh laughed again. “I was trying build up to saying how sexy you are, but you just ruined the whole thing.” Dawson eyed him over his mug. “I did, eh?” He set down his mug and moved in a little closer. “Let’s try it again then. I’m always up for a little ego-boosting.” “Your ego gets boosted any more it’ll go flying through the ceiling.” But Josh set down his mug as well and moved in a little closer. Their chests were almost touching, a subtle heat already building. “Are you saying I’m conceited?” “Maybe. Just a little.” “Are you saying I shouldn’t be?” “No. I didn’t say that.” “Well, then what the fuck are you saying?” “I’m saying that I think you’re fuckin’ hot and I haven’t had a kiss yet today.” “Well, why didn’t you say so?” And finally, a grin plastered to both their faces, Dawson kissed him. He wrapped an arm around Josh’s waist and dragged him in for a deep, delectable, welcome-toSunday-morning kiss.
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His chest against Josh’s felt at once hard and sexy, his lips tempting and succulent. He was just drinking his fill and on the verge of succumbing to sanity and ending the kiss when they both heard, “Hey, you guys. What are you still—” They jumped apart like they’d been zapped on the lips with a lightning bolt. His heart pounding in his throat, Josh whirled to face Ash’s stricken expression. His eyes were wide, his mouth hanging half open. Josh could almost see the love and adoration draining out of that little body right before his eyes. Stupid! Careless! Insensitive! What the hell had he been thinking to indulge himself so blatantly and not give any thought to the risks? To the vulnerabilities that dozed just a few feet away? He was so stunned, so lost in indecision that he was still struggling to find words when Dawson finally spoke. “Hey, dude!” He glanced at Josh. “We thought you’d never wake up. How about some pancakes?” Ash just stood there, rigid, eyes unblinking. “But I don’t—” He turned those anguished eyes on Josh. “I mean…” “Ash…” Josh stepped toward him. “Let me…” Let him what? Let him explain? How was he going to explain sexual ambiguity to a nine-year-old? Let alone one whose opinion of him mattered so much? But he didn’t have to worry about it because Ash was already gone. He’d disappeared into his bedroom, the door slamming closed behind him. “Ah, fuck,” lamented Dawson. Staring after Ash, the sound of that slamming door still echoing in his ears, Josh felt sick. He couldn’t regret how he felt about Dawson, or anything that he’d done. Couldn’t find it in himself, even if he tried. But he could regret being careless, and disappointing and betraying the one person in the world who trusted him implicitly. Who saw him as so much more than he really was. “Goddamn it,” was all he could think to say. “What do we do now?” asked Dawson. Josh steeled himself. “I have to talk to him. I…I have to make him understand.” “Make who understand what?” They both started at the sound of Maddie’s voice. She stood in the middle of the living room, fuzzy robe belted snugly around her waist, her hair a riot of bed-tousled curls. She stifled a yawn. Sleep still clung to her eyes, giving her a dreamy, almost ethereal look in the watery morning sunshine. Josh swallowed thickly. “Ash. He walked in and…” He slid Dawson an embarrassed glance. “He saw us.”
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She arched her eyebrows. “Well, good. I’m glad to hear it, otherwise I’d be worried that he needs glasses.” “Maddie!” His frustration showed. “He saw us kissing.” “Oh.” She frowned a little. Hugged herself. “I see.” Josh’s tummy sank a little farther. “I’m sorry, Maddie. I’ll talk to him.” “Oh, for God’s sake, Josh. You have got to stop apologizing for being who you are.” He blinked in surprise. “But—” “But nothing. I can understand Ash being a little unsettled by what he saw, but you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for.” “I don’t?” “Of course you don’t. In fact, if this ends up being a big issue with Ash then I’m the one who needs to apologize.” “What? How do you figure that?” “Because I’m his mother, and it’s my job to make sure he’s a well-rounded, nonjudgmental, tolerant human being. It’s my job to expose him to the wonders and diversity of the world. Not shelter him from it.” Dawson laughed and Josh could hear the relief in his voice. Josh just stared at her in wonder. The thousand-pound weight had miraculously lifted from his shoulders. “You’re a wonder, Maddie.” It was her turn to chuckle. “Hardly.” “But I still need to talk to him.” She shook her head. “No. Eventually, yes. But I think it’s best if I tackle this first.” She turned toward Ash’s door but hesitated. She glanced at them over her shoulder. “I wouldn’t mind some bacon and eggs though. I kind of worked up an appetite last night.” And with a wink, she was gone. Dawson sighed as they both watched Ash’s door close behind her. “I think I’m in love.” “I know I am.” The two men shared a glance, but both knew it was fruitless to even talk about. “Can you do eggs?” asked Josh. “Coffee is my one claim to culinary excellence.” “It’s time to grow as a human being, Dawson.” “Oh fuck. I do not like the sounds of that.”
***** Her heart surprisingly light, Maddie walked into her son’s bedroom and settled herself on the edge of his bed. He was huddled under the covers, curled up and facing the opposite wall. Yes, he was hurting but he’d get over it. And she had put a lot of
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things into perspective in the last few weeks. As crises went, this one was minor. It was a necessary part of growing as a human being. Of growing up. She was a good mother to Ash. That was one thing she had always been sure of. And today was no different. “Hey, kiddo. How are you doing?” He shrugged, but she heard no sniffling. If he had cried, it had passed and he was already over that hump. In the other room she heard the phone ring but put it out of her mind. Josh would answer it. She had more important matters to deal with. “I hear you had a little surprise this morning.” Abruptly he rolled over, looked up at her with huge unblinking eyes. “They were kissing, Mom!” “Josh and Dawson?” He nodded. “So?” He sat up. “What do you mean, so?” He leaned in, his tone conspiratorial he added, “Is Josh gay?” “Why? Does it matter?” He opened his mouth, blinked, snapped it shut again. Apparently he didn’t know what to say to that. “Now that Josh has kissed a man, does that change anything? Does it change the fact that he has always been there for you? That he takes you to hockey games? That he plays Monopoly with you for hours on end? That he is the coolest rocker in the universe?” “Ummm…” She waited a few moments, to allow all that to sink in. “Does it?” “I…I guess not.” “Of course it doesn’t.” “But he’s gay, Mom!” She decided against correcting him. “So what if he is?” “Well, the kids at school…” He lowered his eyes, finished with a shrug. He knew all too well how she felt about this subject, and was no doubt feeling the first twinges of shame for his own reaction. “You make up your own mind about things, right, Ash? What other people think or say isn’t important. You look at the world and decide for yourself what’s right and wrong. What’s good and bad. And what matters. Right? We talk about this all the time.” Another shrug. “I know.” “It wasn’t just words, Ash. That’s important stuff. When people just follow the crowd and only do what everyone else says is acceptable, that’s how you get stuff like bigotry and slavery and witch burning and—” 99
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“I know, Mom.” But he still wouldn’t meet her gaze. “Ash, honey.” She grasped his little hands between her own. They weren’t nearly so little anymore. God, she remembered when his palm was the size of a quarter. Time had gone by so fast. Sometimes it felt like it was getting away on her. “I’m not angry with you. I know what you saw was out of the ordinary and something of a surprise, but I want you to really look at it and decide for yourself how you feel about it. You know how I feel. We talked about this last year after we saw those two men kiss on the subway.” Ash had been wide-eyed, even a bit grossed out, at first. But once they talked about it a little and she had assured him that, as far as she was concerned, there was nothing sick or perverted about what he’d seen, he’d been abuzz with questions. She’d answered them all as directly and honestly as she could considering his age and maturity, and in the end had decided she’d handled it pretty well. It hadn’t come up again since, but she had little doubt the whole thing had left quite an impression. Now she was even more grateful for the experience. “But no matter how I feel, I can’t tell you how to feel. You have to make that decision for yourself. You have to look at who Josh is, and who he has always been for you. Also who Dawson is, and how you feel about him. And you have to decide whether the fact that they share a physical relationship changes any of that.” She paused, noted that it was strangely silent in the next room. She had expected to smell bacon by now, but she didn’t even hear the clink of silverware. Ash blinked, a single set of tears brimming out of his eyes and slipping down his cheeks. “I love him, Mom.” She smiled. “I know you do.” But he wasn’t done. “But the kids at school! I can’t—” She pressed a finger to his lips. “Okay, okay. What you think matters, and because you love Josh, you needed to know the truth. But what Josh and Dawson do in the privacy of their home—or ours—is nobody else’s business.” He frowned. “In other words, your friends do not need to know.” “Isn’t that like lying?” “No. That’s like keeping private things private.” The relief washed across his features in a rush. Perhaps that had been the real concern. Maybe he’d been afraid he’d be obliged to share this discovery with his friends, and the ramifications of that would have been a little overwhelming for a nineyear-old to deal with. Even one as bright and mature as her son. He smiled. “Okay.” “Okay? What does that mean?” He shrugged again, but this time his shoulders seemed lighter. “Yeah. I mean Josh is the coolest. And Dawson’s great too. And they seem really happy.” 100
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“Oh, Ash.” She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him hard. “You’ve nailed it right there. If they’re happy, that’s all that matters.” When he started to squirm, she laughed, kissed his cheek and relinquished her hold. “Can we have breakfast now? I’m starved.” “Sure.” She tousled his hair and stood, reaching for his hand as they headed for the door. “And just for the record, Josh isn’t gay. Gay refers to a man who only likes men.” She had her hand on the knob when Ash tugged on her hand and stopped her. “So he likes girls too?” “Uh-huh.” “So does he like you?” She blinked, surprised by the question. “Uh…” “Because you make him happy too, Mom. I know you do. And he makes you happy. So…” He was looking up at her again with those big, soulful eyes—eyes that loved her so much and demanded nothing less than the truth. But this was a truth that she couldn’t face, herself. Especially not now. “So…we’ll talk about this another time, honey.” She opened the door and led him through. “Right now we need to eat a really enormous breakfast.” But when they strode into the main living area she could see no evidence of any breakfast preparations at all. Just as she had suspected there was no bacon sizzling on the stove, or eggs popping in the pan. Instead, Josh and Dawson were huddled together on the couch, engaged in what looked to be a very quiet, very earnest conversation. When they saw Maddie and Ash they both stood, the movement a little too quick, their expressions a little too intense. In fact, if she didn’t know better, she would say Josh looked angry. But the next moment he focused on Ash and the anger disappeared. “Hey, buddy.” Ash let go of her hand and ran to him. Josh knelt down and caught him in a hug. He gave Maddie a questioning look. “So we’re cool?” But Ash answered. He nodded vigorously, pulled away and met Josh eye to eye. “Uh-huh. Just no kissing in front of my friends, okay?” Josh laughed, stuck out his hand. “I think we can handle that. You got a deal, dude.” Ash gave it a hearty shake, tossed a meaningful look at Dawson. “Deal.” He was still holding Josh’s hand when he asked, “Can we eat now?” Josh glanced at Maddie and the tension crept back into his features. “Actually, I was hoping you would do me a favor and go out with Dawson to get some breakfast for us down at Andrew’s.” Andrew’s Eatery was famous for its breakfast fare and ran a popular takeout business. The food was excellent, although a tad pricey and not something that Josh indulged in often. Maddie was puzzled.
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“Really?” asked Ash, obviously excited. “Can we get some home fries and sausage?” “Chips and mystery bags?” Dawson winked and stepped forward. “You got it, mate. Why don’t you go get some clothes on and me ‘n you’ll head out.” “Well, why don’t we all go?” asked Maddie, confused. “The food’s so much better if you eat it right there.” “No. You and I need to talk.” The heaviness in Josh’s voice set her on red alert, but there was obviously no avoiding it. She crossed her arms across her stomach and nodded. “All right.” Ash was oblivious to the tension and raced off to his room in search of a change of clothes. The three adults said nothing while he was gone, the tension so thick it made the hairs on the back of Maddie’s neck prickle. Luckily, Ash was a quick-change artist and returned in thirty seconds flat, his shoes already on and laced. He raced for the door. “Come on, Dawson. Let’s go.” “I’m coming!” He gave Josh’s arm a squeeze and tossed a sympathetic look at Maddie before following Ash out the door. A moment later the door closed, leaving them completely alone. Josh said nothing, just stood there, glaring at her. “What’s going on, Josh?” she asked when the silence grew so thick she couldn’t breathe. “What’s this about?” “Why didn’t you tell me?” She stared at him, hoping she was wrong. Hoping that he wasn’t talking about what she thought he was talking about. “Tell you what?” His long legs ate up the space between them in three enormous strides. He grabbed her by the shoulders and held her at arm’s length. Tears brimmed in his eyes. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me you had breast cancer?”
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Chapter Thirteen Josh released her and stepped back. He dropped his hands to his sides, watched her, waiting and breathing and trying so hard to understand. His heart had knotted in his chest. His stomach felt like it was full of lead. How could she do this? How could she lie to him? But more importantly, how could she keep something so crucial from him? How could she block him out now? Now when she needed him the most. When he needed to be with her more than ever? She said nothing. She just stood there, hugging herself, looking suddenly small and fragile. He couldn’t take it. “Well? Are you going to deny it?” “How did you find out?” “That was your sister on the phone. She asked me to let you know that they’d been successful in moving up the surgery date. Your mastectomy is booked for a week from Thursday. And by the way, congrats on the band becoming so successful. It’s small wonder I don’t have time to come out to Vancouver with you.” He unclenched his fists, surprised to realize that his fingertips had gone numb. “She was distinctly cool to me. No doubt thinks I’m a real asshole for not taking a few days to be with my best friend after she has her breast lopped off.” She didn’t look at him. She averted her eyes that he was certain were filling with tears. Part of him wanted to reach out for her, hold her tight and protect her from all the pain and anguish that she was facing. And another part of him wanted to reach out and shake her and scream at her for trying to do this alone. But he did neither. Instead, he waited. “I’m sorry.” That softly whispered phrase almost shattered him. “I don’t want apologies, Maddie. I want explanations. You know I’d do anything for you. I’d move heaven and earth for you if I could. I’d give up the band. I’d—” “Exactly.” She swiped at the tears impatiently, and tossed him what passed for a fiery glance before crossing to the couch and sitting down. “That’s it exactly.” The anger dissipating just a little, he sat beside her. “I don’t understand.” She let out a strained chuckle. “You know, I’m really not sure I do either.” “Maddie!” “You care for me, Josh. I know you do. I’ve never doubted that.” He grasped her hand. “I love you.” She winced. That seemed to hurt her, but he didn’t care. It was the truth.
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She sighed. “And that was part of the reason I couldn’t tell you. I knew you’d offer to come with me. To give up everything you’ve built here, follow me to Vancouver and take care of me.” “And what would be so horrible about that?” “We talked about this already. Toronto is where your career is, Josh. You’re just getting a foothold. I couldn’t allow you to jeopardize that.” He shook his head in frustration. “Well, why does it have to be Vancouver? Toronto is loaded with excellent doctors and oncologists and clinics. Why uproot Ash and take him all the way across the country when you’ve got someone right here who is willing to be there for you?” “It’s because of Ash that I’m going.” She pursed her lips, her eyes full of something he couldn’t name. “What? I don’t understand.” She withdrew her hand and stood. Obviously restless, she walked over to the piano and sat down. She didn’t play, however. Just stared at the keys. He joined her, sat down on the bench of highly polished mahogany—and waited. “I never told you this, Josh, but my mother had three sisters.” He blinked in surprise. “She did? You never mentioned any aunts.” “That’s because they all died before I met you. They all died of breast cancer.” Those words hit him square between the eyes. He was no medical expert, but you had to have your head in a hole to not know that a history like that spelled very high risk for the women in such a family. “My mother and sister are fine—so far—but I’ve had two cousins diagnosed with it in the last five years as well.” She placed her hands on the keys, caressed them like a lover. “They’re fighters and they’ve both kept fighting but…” She spared him a glance. “But genetically speaking it doesn’t look good, Josh. And this type of cancer…” She shrugged. “It’s very aggressive. That’s part of the reason for the sudden rush. The prognosis isn’t good.” The weight was back on Josh’s chest, only this time it was bigger and heavier than ever. The anger was gone, suddenly replaced by absolute despair. He didn’t want to face what she was telling him, but he couldn’t shut it out either. And he certainly couldn’t shut her out. “It almost sounds like you’re giving up.” But she shook her head, met his gaze. “No, no. I’m not. I’m really not. I’m going to have the surgery and the chemo and I’m going to fight like hell. But I have to be realistic, too. I have to be realistic about Ash.” “I don’t understand.” “I have to plan for the worst. I need to have arrangements in place for Ash. I have no family here, and my sister was appointed his guardian when he was born.” “But he hardly knows her! You’ve seen her maybe six times since he was born!”
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She reached for his hand again. “Exactly my point. He needs to be settled somewhere. He has to get reacquainted with his aunt and his cousins so that if…” She looked away. “If I don’t make it, the adjustment will be easier. He can’t lose his mother and be uprooted from his home all at once. I can’t do that to him.” He moved to speak but she stopped him with a squeeze of her hand. “I knew that if I told you the truth you’d insist on coming with me, and I couldn’t allow that, Josh. I couldn’t allow you to dismantle your life for me. I’m torn up enough. I couldn’t take that guilt on top of everything else.” “So you lied to me.” As soon as he said it, he regretted it. But she didn’t flinch. “Yes, I did. And I still think it was the right thing to do.” He wanted to forgive her. In fact part of him already had. But he couldn’t let her go that easily. Couldn’t let her off the hook quite so soon. And there was something else, something huge. There was something wrong with her reasoning. Something she was forgetting. Something he couldn’t let go. “No.” He stood, walked to the window and, standing in a ray of warming sunshine, he turned to face her. “What do you mean, no?” “You are wrong, Maddie. You’re very wrong.” She frowned. A tiny spark of anger kindled in her eyes and it was good to see. “About what?” “About everything. But mostly about Ash.” “Josh! If something happens to me, he’s going to need a family. He’s going to need stability and security. He’s going to need—” “But he’s got all that. He’s got a family right here, Maddie. He’s got me.” She blinked, not sure she had heard what she thought she heard. Not sure she was ready to believe it—to allow herself to believe it. “What are you saying?” He sat down beside her again, straddled the bench facing her and took her face in his hands. Hands that were so warm and strong and possessive. Hands that she wanted desperately to lose herself in. “You know what I’m saying. And I can’t believe you haven’t thought of it.” “Tell me, Josh.” She had. Of course she had. But she had to hear it from him. He had to be the one to say it. “Tell me what you’re suggesting.” “Ash barely knows his family out west. Even if you live there for a year, or maybe even two, it won’t be the same. He grew up here. He has friends and he’s comfortable here. And he’s comfortable with me. He grew up with me, Maddie. Hell, I’ve spent more time with him in the last nine years than I think my own dad spent with me!”
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It was true. And it was a thought that had tried to sneak its way into her psyche constantly for the last few days. Ever since the biopsy results had come back, and she’d first had to deal with the harsh realities of what she faced. “You have considered it,” he said quietly. “Haven’t you?” She nodded, closed her eyes and pressed his palm a little more tightly to her cheek. “I did. It’s true.” She opened her eyes and met his gaze. “But I couldn’t ask that of you, Josh. I couldn’t even dream of it. You’re so young. With your whole life and career ahead of you. And what about marriage and starting your own family? I know you want that. But having a ready-made family with a little boy could be very intimidating to a prospective wife.” He dropped his hands from her face and laced his fingers with hers. “See now, a few weeks ago I would have agreed with you. But now all that’s changed.” She bit her lip, afraid to fill in the blanks for fear she’d jinx the magic she could feel shimmering in the air. “It has?” “Yes. I know I’ve known Dawson barely a week, but I don’t need any more time to be sure. We’re going to be together a long time, Maddie. I’m positive.” “And you think—” “No, I know how he feels. In fact we were discussing this very thing when you walked in on us earlier. He may not have known Ash for long, but they really connected. He loves Ash as much as I do. And he cares for you just as much, as well. He wants to be there for you. He wants us to be your family as much as I do.” Tears were burning the backs of her eyes, but still she was hesitant to believe. Hesitant to entertain the hope that life could really be that good to her. “What are you suggesting, Josh? I need to know exactly what you’re saying.” “I’m suggesting that you screw your plans to go to Vancouver. You get a specialist here and begin your treatment immediately. I have little doubt that in this situation they could accommodate you. I’m suggesting we find a new apartment where the four of us can fit comfortably, and that me and Dawson move in and take care of you during your treatment. And during your recovery. I’m suggesting that we become your family on a more official basis. That way should—God forbid—anything happen to you, next week, next year or in the next decade, that we are here for Ash. We’ll take on the guardianship and we’d be honored to do it.” She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Couldn’t dare to. “Oh, Josh. I couldn’t ever dream of asking all that of you.” He shook his head. “And that hurts me, Maddie. It really does. You should have asked. I should have been the first person you came to with this. But I think I understand why you did what you did.” She shook her head, still hesitating. “I don’t know, Josh. It’s still such a huge commitment. And you’ve got so many uncertainties in your future what with this new recording contract. I could never ask you to give that up.”
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“And I wouldn’t dream of it. Dawson and I can handle it. We can handle all of it. But the key thing is, you’re not asking. We’re offering. But this will only work if it’s what you want too, Maddie. I don’t want to force anything on you. It has to be what’s best for you and Ash.” She blinked, the reality of what he was offering finally sinking in. “So what do you say, Maddie? Do you want us in your life? Do you want us to be your family?” Very slowly, she drew her hands from his and placed them precisely on the keys. Because it soothed her and helped her think, she began to play. She hadn’t planned it, but she found herself playing an old hymn. A sweet, thoughtful version of the classic prayer, “Amazing Grace”. “Do you remember this?” she asked. “I think it was one of the first pieces I got you to play for me on your guitar.” “Yes. I remember.” He spoke slowly, obviously confused by the direction this was taking, but to his credit he didn’t question her. “Do you remember how you did?” He chuckled. “Yeah. I sucked.” But she shook her head. “No. You did very well, considering the classical rhythms were so dissimilar to the syncopated ones you were used to. But you did have trouble with the final two chords, if I recall.” Her fingers still moving over the keys, she looked at him. “Do you know what I mean?” He nodded. “Uh-huh. The perfect fifth that closes out all hymns. The cadence.” She smiled. “Yes. Very good.” She played through the song again, moving on to the second verse in her mind. “Over the last week I’ve been thinking about hymns a little bit. Thinking about faith and trust. And it also occurred to me that my relationship with you, and the way things have worked out with Dawson is very fitting. It’s like my life has all been a crescendo up to this point. Like this funny three-way relationship is a fitting cadence to my life.” And at that moment she came to the end of the verse, playing the cadence with a soft authority that resonated through the room. But Josh lifted her hands from the keys and clasped them in his own. “No. A cadence implies the end of something. But this is a beginning, Maddie. The beginning of something beautiful and magical. We won’t let it be an ending. Not without a fight, we won’t.” She nodded, fighting the ball of emotion that had collected in her throat. “I love you, Josh. I’m sorry I never said it before, but I’ve loved you for years. And I’m sorry I lied to you about this. More sorry than I can say.” He brought her hands to his lips and pressed a kiss to her palm. “Don’t be sorry. Just be with us. And be well.” She nodded. “I will. And…I’ll try.”
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His smile was laced with tears. “Good. Now…” He unbelted her robe and laid it open, exposing her breasts to the cool apartment air. He shifted back a bit on the bench and directed her to straddle it as well so that she faced him. “Which one is it?” She blinked, uncertain how she felt about this, but did as he asked. “The left.” He cupped it, gently massaging and exploring it in the way of a lover. “I don’t feel anything.” “It’s small. They found it on the mammogram, but it’s very hard to detect otherwise.” “That’s good, right? That means they got it early.” “Yes. But…the mastectomy is still the safest route in this case.” He nodded. “All right.” And then he bent to kiss it. He peppered kisses over that breast, cupped it and drew the nipple gently into his mouth. She didn’t know what to do. What to say. What to think. Suddenly it was all so overwhelming, she burst into tears. “I’m going to be hideous, Josh.” She covered her face with her hands and sobbed. “How will I be able to let you see me like that?” “Shh.” He pulled her hands down and held her, pressing her face to his shoulder. “As beautiful as they are, Maddie, I don’t love your breasts. I love you. I just wanted to make sure you know that I’m not afraid to touch you.” He pressed a kiss to her head and whispered, “I’ll never be afraid to touch you. No matter how sick you are or how unattractive you may feel. You’ll always be beautiful to me, and I intend to let you know that. Every day. For as long as I’m able.” She wrapped her arms around him and pressed her face to his neck. In response he tightened his grip, his hold on her so tight and so strong, that for the first time she allowed herself to believe there was enough strength in the world—someone strong and determined enough to hold her up and carry her through the next few months of her life. Maybe she could make it, after all. “Don’t let me go, Josh. Please, don’t ever let me go.” “I won’t, Maddie. I promise.”
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Epilogue
Fifteen months later Josh dumped in the last handful of diced peppers and gave the pot of sauce a good stir. Aromas of basil and garlic wafted to his nose and made him sigh with pleasure. The spaghetti pot was bubbling away merrily on the back burner and he would be adding the pasta shortly. But the sauce needed just a bit more time to simmer. He looked around the kitchen and smiled. Late afternoon sunshine poured in through the wide picture window at the far end of the room, lending a warm glow to the knotty pine floors and cabinets and gleaming brightly off the stainless steel appliances. They’d moved in barely three months ago, but already the modest house in the northern Toronto suburbs felt like home. Of course the screams and laughter drifting in from the yard had a great deal to do with that as well. He walked to the patio doors and leaned against the jamb, watching Dawson and Ash as they raked up the endless sea of leaves left by the two maple trees that had come with the property. Even as he stood there a stiff wind blew, sending another cascade of reds and golds showering down over their heads. “Auugh!” yelled Dawson, shaking his fist at the ancient giants. Then he looked over and noticed Josh. “Hey! If you’re done in the kitchen you could always lend a hand out here.” “Yeah,” Ash chimed in from the pile of leaves he’d just dived into. “Give us a hand.” “I dunno,” Josh yelled back, laughing. “Looks like you guys are doing just fine without me!” But the next thing he knew, he was being dragged into the yard and had been tossed mercilessly into the pile of leaves they’d just assembled. “Hey!” he protested, picking up a handful and tossing them in Ash’s face. “I’m the cook today, remember?” But apparently neither one cared about the official division of duties, and within moments crunchy leaves had been stuffed down shirts and up pant legs and Josh’s meager attempts at self-defense did nothing beyond getting him pinned amidst the leaves by Dawson’s larger, more muscular frame. Dawson straddled him, holding him down by the wrists. “Hey!” yelled Josh. “Let me go.” “No. Say bisexual.” Laughing, Josh turned to Ash who was huffing and puffing just a few feet away. “Help me here, kiddo!” 109
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But Ash just grinned and shook his head. Damn, but he looked more like his mom every day. That spark of mischief in his eyes. That blond hair that picked up the sun and scattered it like fairy dust. For a moment it made Josh’s chest ache. “You’re on your own, Josh.” Dawson’s grin turned wicked. He leaned down until his mouth was a breath from Josh’s. “Mwahahaha. Now I’ve got you right where I want you.” “Jeez,” moaned Ash. “Can you two put a lid on it until after we eat?” “Then go set the table so you don’t have to watch,” said Dawson, his eyes never leaving Josh’s face. “Fuck. I never get a break.” Ash stomped off toward the house. “And watch your mouth!” yelled Dawson. But they were both laughing when they heard the patio door slide closed. “Now where were we?” “You had me right where you wanted me, I believe.” “Oh yes. That’s right.” And he leaned in to lavish a long, slow kiss on Josh’s lips. “Mmm,” said Josh when he was done. “It’s a good thing we’ve got that high fence, or we’d scandalize the neighbors.” Dawson laughed and tumbled into the leaves beside him. He lay on his back and they both stared up at a sky that was so blue it almost hurt the eyes to look at it. The breeze blew softly, rustling the leaves and teasing their hair. Winter was coming soon, but with it would come long chilly nights, warm fires and big mugs of steaming cocoa. It hadn’t been easy, but they had made a life and a home together here. It felt good. “We should go in,” said Josh wistfully. “I want dinner to be perfect tonight. We can actually share a bottle of wine. She’ll like that.” “Yeah. It’s been a while.” “Hey, you two. Talkin’ about me again? Tryin’ to get me drunk?” At the sound of Maddie’s voice they both scrambled to their feet. She was standing amongst the leaves in jeans and bare feet, one of Dawson’s huge sweatshirts hanging on her like a tent. She was still too thin, and still needed a lot more sleep than she used to, but her hair had grown back and her eyes had begun to sparkle again. The last year had been hard. Harder than any of them had ever imagined. And there had been a time about six months ago when they didn’t think she was going to make it. She had been that sick, that weak. She’d been in ICU, on a respirator, and ready to let go and give her son over to the care of the two loves of her life. But then, miraculously, it had turned around. She liked to say they had reached down and pulled her directly out of hell. But they said she’d held on to their shoulders and dragged herself out. Either way, the result was the same. She was here with them
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now. And no matter what trials and challenges they faced in the future…that was all that mattered. “Hey, short stuff.” Dawson wrapped one long, lean arm around her shoulders and pulled her in tight. “You really need to wear those slippers I bought you.” “Those enormous bunny feet?” She scowled. “That’s embarrassing. And don’t call me short stuff.” But Dawson merely grinned. They all did it just to irritate her. Just to see that spark of passion flicker in her eyes again. “How was your nap?” asked Josh, taking up position on her other side and looping an arm around her waist. “I slept pretty good,” she said, yawning for emphasis. “Better than I have in a while. You guys spent too much on that enormous bed.” “We needed the king-size bed. It was high time the three of us could sleep comfortably.” But then she smiled. “You know I love it. It’s like sleeping on a cloud.” “Good. That was the whole idea.” He and Dawson shared a glance, nodded, and together they lifted her clean off the ground. Despite her squeals of protest and madly kicking feet, they carried her back to the house. They set her down on the warm hardwood floor and endured the scowl she bestowed on them. “You guys are incorrigible.” “I’m not sure what that means,” said Dawson, “but I like the sound of it.” She rolled her eyes but then took a deep breath. “Is that spaghetti I smell cooking?” “Uh-huh.” Josh headed for his creation, stirred it with an enormous wooden spoon. “My own recipe.” She cocked an eyebrow at him. “Really? Well, maybe it’ll be good, anyway.” He pointed the spoon at her. “Gimme a break. Think of all the years you wouldn’t let me near a stove or a knife because you were afraid I’d cut my precious fingers.” She grinned. “Well, you had to grow up first, didn’t you?” “Hey!” But he couldn’t even pretend to be irritated anymore when she walked up behind him, wrapped those delicate arms around his waist and rested her cheek against his shoulder. “I love you, Josh,” she whispered. “I love you both so much. I wouldn’t have made it without you.” “Hey! Do you hear that?” yelled Ash from the living room, saving Josh from the tears that had threatened to brim in his eyes. “Hear what?” asked Dawson. In response Ash cranked the radio to full blast. “That!”
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“And now,” the announcer was saying, “with the brand-new release that has topped the charts from here to L.A. to New York and back again is…‘Maddie’s Song’ by Shiver!” “Oh my God!” Maddie’s squeal of excitement was music to Josh’s ears. “Come on!” She grabbed his hand, and picked up Dawson on the way by, dragging them both into the living room where Ash had already taken up his post on the couch. They joined him, snuggling in together and listening intently as the music swelled from the state-ofthe-art speakers they’d decided were a necessity. Maddie sat between Josh and Dawson, their hands still gripped firmly in hers. Ash snuggled in next to Dawson. It felt right. It felt perfect. They listened intently, the soft acoustic guitar strains and subtle harmonies somehow more powerful and more poignant than a fifty-piece orchestra. “I still can’t believe you named it after me,” she said as the volume grew. “Are you kidding? We had to, Maddie. Or we never would have—” “Shh!” Grinning at Dawson over Maddie’s head, Josh listened as his own voice filled the room. In the quiet of the night, And the burning sunshine of the day, Between the softly rumpled sheets, In every corner of my mind, Your subtle fragrance fills my soul, Strong of spirit, kind and bold, You’re my mentor, my inspiring light, I’ll never give you up without a fight. Maddie laid her head on his shoulder, cradling Dawson’s hand in her lap as his voice joined Josh’s in subtle harmonies for the chorus. I’ll hold you up and hold you dear, Hold you close and hold you near I promised once and now you know, I’ll never, ever let you go. Through hell itself, through the night, Until we find our way to light, I’ll say it now because you need to know
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Perfect Cadence
I’ll never, ever let you go.
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About the Author Nikki lives in a small town in Ontario, Canada. In the midst of the chaos that comes with raising three small boys, working part-time as a lab tech in a hospital blood bank, and caring for her ever-adoring husband, she dreams up her stories. Nikki's work is an eclectic combination of romance, mystery, suspense and humor with characters that have plenty of room to grow. Nikki welcomes comments from readers. You can find her website and email address on her author bio page at www.ellorascave.com.
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Also by Nikki Soarde And Lady Makes Three anthology Balance of Power Duplicity Firefly Promise Jagged Gift Package Deal Phobia Roguish Hearts Wild Oats
Discover for yourself why readers can’t get enough of the multiple award-winning publisher Ellora’s Cave. Whether you prefer e-books or paperbacks, be sure to visit EC on the web at www.ellorascave.com for an erotic reading experience that will leave you breathless.
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