Pedigree Girls

pedigree

Girls

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pedigree

Girls

Sherwin Tiia INSOMNIAC PRESS

Copyright © 2001 by Sherwin Tjia All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior written permission of the publisher or, in the case of photocopying or other reprographic copying, a licence from CANCOPY (Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency), 1 Yonge St., Suite 1900, Toronto, Ontario, Canada, M5E 1E5. While Havergal College, Bishop Strachan School, Branksome Hall, St.Clement's School, St. Andrew's College, and Upper Canada College are actual schools, Pedigree Girls is a work of satiric fiction. The events described here are imaginary. The characters are fictitious and are not intended to represent actual persons, living or dead. Edited by Richard Almonte Copy-edited by Jan Barbieri Designed by Sherwin Tjia National Library of Canada Cataloguing in Publication Data Tjia, Sherwin, 1975Pedigree girls Includes index. ISBN 1-895837-10-3 I. Title. PN6734.P42T54 2001

741.5'971

C2001-930388-2

The publisher gratefully acknowledges the support of the Canada Council, the Ontario Arts Council and Department of Canadian Heritage through the Book Publishing Industry Development Program. Printed and bound in Canada. Insomniac Press, 192 Spadina Avenue, Suite 403, Toronto, Ontario, Canada, M5T 2C2 www.insomniacpress.com

For the Queen Has Deum

"And I could live on cold desire, on the remnants of your fire, like one who knows who just believes— that this is all some joke and the punchline's peace, Lord have mercy, have compassion, You take absolute action."

—Ryan Kamstra, from "Goff

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PEDIGREE GIRLS I'm going to kill myself.

How?

Pills, I guess. My mom's Valium.

Don't doit.

Why not?

You still owe me 40 bucks.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Whatcha doin' tonight?

I dunno. What's your skedge like?

Rent some movies. Masturbate. You?

Same here, I guess.

Want some company?

I could be persuaded.

PEDIGREE GIRLS My dad doesn't think any boy is good enough for me.

Then who are you going to take to the

prom?

My dad, I guess.

Tell me, is your older brother having sex with your mom?

What makes you think that?

Your third arm.

PEDIGREE GIHLS The other day I laughed so hard I almost sneezed my tampon out.

Does that happen a lot?

If I'm lucky.

Wanna date me?

Wanna date me?

PEDIGREE GIRLS Wanna date me?

NO.

No.

And they say the art of conversation is dead.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I hate my thighs.

Me too.

You hate your thighs too?

No, I hate your thighs.

Bitch. Skank.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I'm never bringing you home again.

Why?

You fucked my brother!

He didn't mind.

You use men.

Only for pleasure.

PEDIGREE GIRLS You're having salad again?

Well, yes.

I mean, I don't get it. You don't work. Your parents give you everything you ask for. Your way is paid, my dear. Why are you starving yourself and exercising your ass off to look like one of those skinny models?

Well, I've gotta strive for something, right?

PEDIGREE GIRLS Hey, ladies! Spare any change? Sorry.

God. Sometimes I just don't know what to do. I mean, are you ever really sorry?

What do you mean? People without money aren't real.

PMIGREE GIRLS Hey, what'd you do last night?

Oh, we went out to Sotto Voce for supper.

Have anything good?

No. The liver was sooo gross. It made me want to puke.

The only kind of liver I'll ever eat is my mother's.

What about your dad's?

PMIGREE GIRLS "Rage, rage against the dying of the light!"

What's that?

Poetry.

Poetry's dumb.

Skank.

Whore.

Just like blondes.

Shut up!

PMIGREE GIRLS

Bitch.

Slut. Wench.

Cunt.

Um... moron.

Uh-oh. Now you're getting nasty.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I need a new skirt.

Good luck.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing.

Okay. Yeah. Sure. Whatever.

Okay. Yeah. Sure. Whatever.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I didn't know your father was a diplomat.

Oh. Yeah. He is.

Must be nice. Seeing other countries, diplomatic immunity, cushy summer jobs, plush hotels, fancy dinners... Your point?

I heard on the news this morning that your sister was kidnapped and is being held for ransom.

Dammit! Not

again!

PEDIGREE GIRLS Did you see Carrie Hunt?

You meaR)

Hairy Cunt?

Yeah, she's lost like 50 pounds!

No. She wasn't there.

Must've gone to fat camp. / don't!

How do you know that?

PEDIGREE GIRLS

Know Mike?

Yeah. He's a bastard.

Why do you say that?

He is.

Why?

He just is.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Last night I was going to cheat on my boyfriend, but I didn't.

You should be the president.

PEDIGREE GIRLS You're leaving?

I Well, don't room with Audrey. She's got no taste.

Yeah.

And Brenda's only here on scholarship. Kayla gets her clothes off the rack and Sheila is just a whiner.

Actually, I'm moving home. Oh. That's good. You never know what kind of snotty bitch could be your next roomie.

PEDIGREE GIRLS In french, they say, "Faire la leche vitrine".

Yeah, "window licking".

I want that Prada dress so bad.

I went in there the other day.

Did you try it on? How did it feel?

Like I ean't afford it.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I'm sooo hungry.

And I want a

guy.

I'm sick of your incessant horny complaints and unwillingness to do anything about it!

And I'm sick of your bodyimage-issue, eating disorder bullshit!

Satisfied?

Rarely.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Know Tara?

Yeah.

Her posse's going to change her image.

They've got to find it first.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Who's the new girl?

Andrea Cook.

Should we know her?

Not ugly enough to ignore. Not pretty enough to hate... Sure.

How do you do that?

Just talented, I guess.

PEDIGREE GIRLS My dad pays more attention to me than he does to my mom.

That's fucked.

My mom's like scenery. In fact, he's taking me out to dinner tonight!

Wow!

Christ, what should I do?

Well, your dad is pretty hot...

PfOIGRK GIRLS So, are you going to stay with that haircut or what?

I don't know. I keep changing my mind.

You should come with me and Mich. We'll introduce you to Matt. He'll take care of you. He's giving us all, like, a hip "fuck you" sort of cut.

I'm sooo jealous. You guys are, like, moving in a direction with your hair.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I can make things move with my mind.

Prove it. Rub my nipples.

Feel it?

That's your hand.

Should stop?

I didn't say that.

PEDIGREE GIRLS So, my dad's finally dead. Cancer.

Oh, Ally. I'm sooo sorry. He used to teach me tennis.

I'm not sorry. Bastard used to beat up my mom every chance he got. So that's what he meant.

About what?

When he said he was going home to practise his backhand.

PEDIGREE GIRLS For fuck's sake, I can't believe they carded me at the door.

I mean, do I look younger than 18?

No. But you're acting like it.

PEDIGREE GIRLS My entire family was shot to death last night during a botched robbery.

Omigod! Meaghan!

The house is sooo empty right now.

Listen, if there's anything can do...

Well, actually, could you stop by the market and get some dip?

Awright! Par-tay!

PEDIGREE GIRLS Those cheerleaders make me sick.

You're just jealous.

Only if I'm jealous of an STD-ridden skank.

She does have good hair.

Under her arms.

That's what I like about you. You're so friendly.

PEDIGREE GIRLS You know, I feel weird about this. This is the last time we have sex. Never again!

See you next week?

Okay.

PEDIGREE GIRLS My parents are going away for the weekend. Dad's finally got time off from his firm and Mom has sick days coming.

They've left their cellphones at home. They've got no one but each other to talk to for three whole days!

Uh-oh. That's grounds for divorce.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Do you scream when you orgasm?

Just a little.

Like how?

Like... um. ooooohh.

Now, don't be shy.

Okay, we're done here.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Mom was drunk and we ran into a tree last night.

Omigod! Are you okay?

Yeah. We've got one of those sports utility vehicles.

Oh good! Those are like a gated community on wheels.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Without realizing it, you categorize people, you know?

Categorize how? You mean like that guy over there?

What a nerd.

He's sooo insecure. I'd never date him.

You wouldn't?

No. Never... Why? Should I?

PEDIGREE GIRLS I like him, but he's probably

gay.

How do you know that?

Well, he's really good looking...

That's not proof.

...and he hasn't Oh, right. once looked in That's a my direction. dead

giveaway.

PEDIGREE GIRLS What's wrong?

I'm sick to death of these braces!

Don't be. They make you look younger.

I'm 15! I don't need to look younger!

On drunken nights my mom tells me she'd sell her own children for a body like yours again.

Really? Cool.

PEDIGREE ems I need a nose job.

No you don't.

Yes I do. It's huge. It's bulbous. It feels to me like that thing on the front of a train. A cowcatcher, or whatever it's called.

Amy, you're so full of shit it's not funny.

So you'll lend me the money?

PEDIGREE ems My parents don't want me to have sex until I'm 18.

Wow. That's pretty rigid.

Next they'll want me to stop snorting coke.

PEDIGREE GIRLS

Boy, Steph and Jenn sure became friends fast.

Yeah. I mean, they're so mismatched. What are they doing together?

Like, what aren'fthey doing together?

PEDIGREE GIRLS Trust Gail to put on her knee-high fuck-me boots right after school lets out.

That's why they call her "Head Girl", I guess.

She's such a slut.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I've thought long and hard all winter about what I want to accomplish this summer.

Shopping?

And plenty of it.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Dairy Queen?

Umm.

Yes or no!

Urn, okay!

In this business, you're either on your way, or in the way.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I pawned my mother's pearls to pay for my abortion.

What?!

You heard me. I killed my baby.

So you decided not to have it?

I don't like to share.

PEDIGREE GIRLS We were in the backroom and he was kissing me, and it wasn't until afterwards that I realized he was holding me so hard he'd left a bruise about the size of a quarter on my arm.

I liked him so much I kept that bruise "alive" for weeks after, I used to rub that bruise, press it, worry it.

Boy. You're a freak.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I'm afraid I'll get fat.

Who isn't?

My mom's not fat.

Your mom diets constantly and exercises incessantly. You've Inherited her obsessions.

I think I'd prefer to inherit a trust fund.

Who wouldn't?

PEDIGREE GIRLS Jason just dumped me.

Oh Kelly, you must feel terrible!

I swear... you're psychic!

PEDIGREE GIRLS God, Edie, you're sooo beautiful.

Don't stop.

Oh, stop.

PEDIGREE GIRLS My dad's hitting my mom. What should I do?

Kill him.

Ann Landers, eat your heart out.

PEDIGREE GIRLS God, I see her face everywhere. I'm just so sick of hearing about her. I mean, she's all anyone's talking about.

Everyone gets their 15 minutes of fame, sure. But this is getting ridiculous.

It's such a popularity contest. Missing girls get all the luck.

PEDIGREE GIRLS See the posters?

That missing girl?

Not very pretty.

Nope. Nothing to write home about.

I mean, why would anyone kidnap her?

PEDIGREE GIRLS So, all the posters of missing white kids were really nicely laid out, in colour, and on nice paper.

...while all the posters of minority kids were in blurry black and white, poorly designed, and on that dull recycled stuff.

Those wacky Alabama cops!

Really, it's for the best.

PEDIGREE GIRLS The models are getting skinnier!

Well, of course.

Nobody ever got rich by making people feel good about themselves.

Except Oprah.

We have Oprah to thank.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Get a load of this: "Blonde is Back!", "Blonde Ambition", "The New Blonde".

Are you reading Vogue? Harper's Bazaar?

Mein Kampf.

Nope.

PEDIGREE GIRLS My dad's company just downsized 900 workers. He wanted to cut the fat, streamline things. Soo much more efficient, I think.

You're so right. It occurred to me the other day that I could save time and energy by pissing in the shower. Our dorm shower?!

Efficiency's not everything, Linds.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I've got a pimple on my left butt-cheek. I never thought pimples grew there, but they do. Whenever I sit down, I...

...get right back up again. My boyfriend tried to pop it with a pin the other night, but it didn't work.

Abby? Like, too much information!

PEDIGREE GIRLS Watch this...Vt>w fat cow! You're stupid and ugly, and you'll never get a date!

Well fuck you too!

There's nothing really wrong with her, is there?

No.

PIOIGBH GIRLS Now don't get me wrong...

...it's not that I don't like rules...

...I just hate having them apply to me.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Yeah, I was in ballet until I was 17 and in gymnastics until I was 16...

...and I used to put my ankles behind my neck when David and I had sex.

All I ask is that you use your powers for good instead of evil.

PEDIGREE ems Come to my birthday.

Okay. What should I wear?

Come naked.

What?!

We're going to eat you.

Why?

So we can enjoy it more.

PfDIGREE GIRLS It's important to know we're privileged.

PMIGRH GIRLS You know, I wish they would make an after-school special about a bisexual private-school girl.

Oh, no reason. Why?

PEDIGREE GIRLS Laura! Quick, duck behind that chair!

Hey!

Why?

Hi Jenn! Hi Alexa! See ya around!

Just do it!

Like, don't be offended or anything.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Stop touching yourself!

Then can I I can't help myself.

he|p?

Fuck off.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Lynn, I have to confess.. I've been having impure thoughts about you.

What kinds?

PEDIGREE GIRLS So, when we were both 14, River Phoenix and I spent a night making out.

Holy shit, really?

Well...

No.

PEDIGREE GIRLS So, what are you thinking about?

Croutons.

PEDIGREE GIRLS h So, e came into the room, Awww. How romantic!

gave me flowers, poured me a drink, and then he kissed me.

It would've been even more romantic if I was allowed to go home!!

PEDIGREE GIRLS And you know what she goes and does? She hangs herself!

So, we tormented this girl mercilessly! We wouldn't let up.

Oh my God!

What a loser.

Yeah?

PEDIGREE GIRLS What about him?

He's cute. But he's black.

So what? He's sooo hot.

Maeve, you're the one who likes black guys.

So you'd never date one?

Maybe just to piss off my dad.

PEDIGREE GIRLS How was the drive back from Montreal? Did it snow all the way back?

Um... I wasn't quite in control, but, you know, in a really good way.

One day I'm going to have to testify against you, aren't I?

PEDIGREE GIRLS Whose breasts are these?

Hey!

Oh, I'm sorry. Am I making you uncomfortable?

PEDIGREE GIRLS So, the other night, my girlfriend had taken downers and sleeping pills just before she came to my room. Her plan was to, like, die, and have me wake up to find her dead in the dorm, beside me.

Oh my God!

That is sooo clevI mean, that's really bad!

PEDIGREE GIRLS Thanks for holding onto my lunch bag for me.

Where did you put my carrot?

No problem.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Like, I don't want to hug you for any longer than you want to be hugged, but, like, I want to hug you for a really long time.

I'm sorry, but it's not going to work out...

It's not me. It's you.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Morgan's kid sister went missing last Tuesday.

Morgan's so fat, I'll bet she ate her.

You're charming, you know that? Remind me to invite you to my next party.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Nah. Just window shopping.

You like him?

PEDIGREE GIRLS So what did Ms. Webb have to say to you?

I told her that ever since I got to this school I haven't been anything but sorry!

She wanted to know if I was sorry.

PEDIGREE GIRLS

Hooking.

Scoring.

Slapshots.

Who says hockey's boring?

PEDIGREE GIRLS My life was perfect until you showed up.

Like, why did you fuck with it?

PEDIGREE GIRLS So, I rolled my kilt up another 3 inches and stuffed my bra. I had all the UCC boys drooling.

And, on top of that, I lined my lips in Vamp and wore that garter belt I got from my ex last Christmas.

Everything I do, I do for love.

PEDIGREE GIRLS So, how come you tormented me so much in junior high?

I mean, your posse held me down on the ground while you pissed on my face. How could you do that to me?

It wasn't personal, you understand.

PEDIGREE GIRLS God, I'm sleepy. I could use a coffee.

Or I could slap you.

PEDIGREE GIRLS

Alicia's drinking like a fish!

This morning she had three tequila shots before first period English. She was spouting crazy answers to every question!

You say that as if it were a bad thing.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Kate, your dad tried to rape me last night.

He's under a lot of pressure these days. He's in the middle of a merger. It's a billion-dollar corporate takeover!

Where would he find the time to rape you?

PEDIGREE GIRLS I hate school.

Me too.

You know, we should hit the road! Like Thelma and Louise! Go shoot up sexist truckers and stuff.

Yeah, but, like, not die or anything at the end.

PEDIGREE GIRLS My brother likes you.

Oh yeah?

Yeah. He and his St. Andrew's buddies think you're hot.

No.

Really?

PEDIGREE GIRLS Do you remember "Lost in Your Eyes" by Debbie Gibson?

Yeah. Whatever happened to her?

She changed her name to Deborah Gibson. Oh, Deborah Gibson.

That's not better, is it?

PEDIGREE GIRLS So I'm having this slumber party-

Yeah?

All the coolest people will be there...

And?

And?

PEDIGREE GIRLS Don't forget your sexy lingerie for my slumber party.

That's too bad. My dad'll be disappointed. I don't have any.

What?! Your father]\ be there?

Didn't I tell you? Must've slipped my mind.

PEDIGREE GIRLS

I'm not sure I'm comfortable with your dad being at your slumber party.

If you don't like it, don't come.

Wait, that's not what I meant.

Stay a virgin, see if I care.

PEDIGREE GIRLS

Burp!

Or don't. I don't give a shit.

Excuse me.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Have you had an AIDS test yet?

No. Why? Should I? Did you give it to me?

I didn't think I had it in me.

PEDIGREE GIRLS So, Lucy says to him, "I'll hold the football, you run up and kick it."

So, Charlie Brown gets a running start, and at the last possible second, she pulls the ball away and he goes flying!

Wow.

What a cocktease.

You said it. Ha-ha!

PEDIGREE GIRLS Geez, Kristy. Why did you uninvite Naomi to your party in front of the whole school?

Beacuse I wanted to.

Because it felt good.

PEDIGREE GIRLS OW! I've got these sharp pains in my gut. I think I'm gonna pass out!

Be calm. Let me assess the situation first, before we do anything.

Hurry! It's getting worse. Oh, fuck!

I'll need to organize an inquiry.

Help!

PEDIGREE GIRLS You're sooo lucky! Your brother is sooo nice! He takes you out to parties, he lends you his car...

My brother's an asshole. How come your brother's so good to you?

Well, I'm fucking him.

PEDIGREE GIRLS God, Mare, you've got so much and I have so little.

I'd love to borrow that blue velvet skirt of yours when we all go to Jason's party.

Toucha my stuff, I breaka yo face.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Listen, you can't go around treating people like shit. Your callous disregard for other people's feelings and desires contributes to an already toxic environment that...

...degrades those least equipped to help temselves, and exploits people's pain for a

What's your point?

temporary psychological high.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Where are all the boys?

This is an all-girls school.

Holy shit! Really?

Sorry to break it to you.

That's okay. Hey, listen, do you know how to use a strap-on?

PEDIGREE GIRLS Listen, Gina, I saw you cutting yourself with scissors. Maybe you should talk to someone.

You really care about me, don't you?

Well, if that's the attitude you're going to take...

PEDIGREE GIRLS Who's the new girl?

Daria Elizabeth Karen Martin.

Hmmm. Maybe we can shorten it to "Rugmuncher."

Now you're talking.

PEDIGREE GIRLS God, don't you ever do your laundry?

I'm doing it tomorrow.

But I need to borrow your skirt tonight!

PEDIGREE GIRLS I don't think we should be roomies anymore.

Why's that?

You don't leave money lying around like you used to.

PEDIGREE GIRLS

Sandra, I saw you cutting yourself again last night...

...and I think you should stop!

Imagine how terrible those scars will look with a sleeveless shirt.

PEDIGREE GIRLS You saw Hillary cutting herself and didn't say anything? Why didn't you stop her?

If I had known she was a self-abuser I would have said something...

...but as it was, I thought she was slitting her wrists.

PEDIGREE GIRLS He said that if he and I had sex I So, what was consenting did he to having my likesay? ness, name and voice...

...exploited in any and all forms of media without compensation throughout the world and in perpetuity.

And you said?

What a bargain!

PEDIGREE GIRLS So, how was Friday night?

We had sex.

Was it good? Were you impressed?

It was so bad, I should have pressed charges.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Jess, don't hate me because I'm rich, thin, well-connected and beautiful, and you're none of the above.

! don't.

I hate you because you're conceited and mean.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Whatever in the world are "cockles"?

You're a credit to your school, you know that?

Shackles for cocks?

PEDIGREE GIRLS

I am pretty.

I am going to make him sit up.

I can feel it coming on now.

You've been reading Seventeen again, haven't you?

PEDIGREE GIRLS I can't believe you went on a date with Dylan. Sure, he's hot. Sure, sex with him would likely be a mind-blowing trip, singularly one of the most beautiful events of your life up till now.

But you're so smart. Intellectually, you're heads and shoulders above him.

I have my blind spots.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Is this scarf yours?

Nope. I found it on this chair.

I like it.

But it's not yours.

It could be.

PEDIGREE GIRLS What do you mean, you're not coming to my house after school?

I have a job interview.

Wanna come? They said they were looking to hire a lot of people.

A job? Well, I'm rich, in case you haven't noticed.

PEDIGREE GIRLS You know, it's not going to work out.

Being lovers and roomies has really taken a toll on our friendship. Actually, I'm sick of you.

Oh, and I had so enjoyed flossing my teeth with your pubic hair.

PEDIGREE GIRLS You mean, "Smelly Fart?"

You know Kelly Barthes?

Oh, that's real mature.

PEDIGREE GIRLS My brother tells me that every morning during roll call, the whole class erupts in laughter.

The twins are in his homeroom: Andrew and Peter Ness.

A. Ness and P. Ness?

PEDIGREE GIRLS

Your dad's a great guy.

Yeah,

he's pretty cool.

I just wish sometimes he'd be more demonstrative with his love.

Well, he's never had a problem doing that with me.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Yeah, I'm working at the U.N. this summer.

That's a nice job. How'd you swing that?

Oh, you know. My dad pulled a few strings.

The only string I've got to pull is the one on my tampon.

PEDIGREE GIRLS God, Mr. Stephens was sooo funny this morning. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much.

I know. I thought your face would freeze that way.

PEDIGREE GIRLS God, I'm such a nerd.

No you're not.

Well, okay. Yes you are.

PEDIGREE GIRLS The good thing about AIDS is that whoever gives it to you dies too.

That's a comfort.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I've never been intimate with a girl before.

And it'll be even more fun once we get our clothes off!

This is fun!

PEDIGREE GIRLS Who's that? He's my bodyguard.

Dad laid off 1,200 workers and he's worried about kidnappers.

Isn't he cute behind those dark glasses? Wow!

Maybe you can get him to do some afterhours "undercovers" work.

PEDIGREE GIRLS How come there are always "Missing" posters but never any "Found" ones? I mean, I'd like to hear some good news for a change.

The way it is now, you get the impression kids just go missing and they're never found. They simply vanish.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Rabid kids go for the throat. Hard-edged fatalism. Commercialized, co-opted profitprophets. Drugged-up excess. Fin-de-siecle uneasiness. Narcoticized nerve...

...Extremist vibes. Been there, done that, watched it all fail. Milked my once pert tits flat.

Excuse me while I go commit suicide.

PEDIGREE GIRLS

I hate parties.

You have to entertain on the most immediate level, or perish.

Gee, I don't know. That's my whole reason for living.

PEDIGREE GIRLS It didn't hurt my feelings when you called me "Rugmuncher", you know.

...but smell isn't everything, you know.

Boy, you're strong..

PEDIGREE GIRLS

Wanna date my brother?

Omigod! Of course!

Psych.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Like, omigod! It's sooo unreal!

I can't like, believe it! It's too CRAZY!!!

Calm down. Don't make me slap you.

PEDIGREE GIRLS B.

A.

c.

F-

D.

OFF!

E.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Don't kill yourself.

Yeah. Don't.

You'll go to hell.

Yeah. Hell.

This was a very special episode of the "Pedigree Girls "-

Yeah. Special.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I'm pretty sure all the Smurfs were gay.

Like, totally.

Like, "Ohhh, how much further, Papa Smurf!"

"Oh! Not far now! Just a little deeper!" Ha ha ha!

PiDIGRII GIRLS Rub my nipples.

Look. They like you.

Okay.

\

PIDIGRil GIRLS

Look! Tom Cruise!

Where?!

Ha ha ha!

Bitch. You always do that.

You always fall for it.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Emme, could you return my hair brush?

What's the magic word?

NOW!!!

God, who put the razor blades in your Halloween apples?

PEDIGREE GIRLS Here's your brush back.

Thanks. I'm grateful. Now I won't have to kidnap your little sister and hold her for ransom, possibly killing her in the process.

Gimme that brush back.

PEDIGREE GIRLS So, I'm having this cool pool birthday party, and if you bring me two gifts, I might ask the man at the gate to possibly let you in.

I'm the envy of all my friends.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I just don't know who we'll get to bring canapes to the party.

Urn, I'll do it, I guess.

Got that right.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I hope you're not thinking of showing up at my pool party uninvited.

Uninvited?! You told me I could come!

I know. I lied.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I hope the weather holds up for my pool party. It's so capricious these days: one moment it's sunny, and the next, torrents of rain.

You mean, like the way you invited then uninvited me to your party?

God, Nat. You're so irreverent! So refreshing! You should totally come to my party!

PEDIGREE GIRLS

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Sex.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Jenn stole the cookie from the cookie jar.

Who, me?

Then who?

Yes, you.

Satan.

Couldn't be.

PEDIGREE GIRLS

Ms. Zenia's awfully calm today.

Usually she's all panicky and stressed out.

And usually at us, too. Her two "troublemakers".

Maybe she's finally decided to end it all and is at peace.

Should we do something?

| think the question is, have we done enough?

PEDIGREE GIRLS You know, when I first got to this dyke school, I was lonely and afraid.

But you were very kind to me. How come you're so nice to me?

Here's a gentle hint: your dad's worth 20 million bucks. Can you say, "connections"?

PEDIGREE GIRLS Lend me a quarter?

Sorry. Can't.

C'mon.

Nope.

Your will is strong. But I will break you.

PEDIGREE GIRLS My sister got her first training-bra yesterday.

She's got boobs?

Squint.

PEDIGREE GIRLS At Havergal I've built great friendships and developed strong leadership skills. My teachers and classmates expect me to be the best...

...I can be. We all share an enthusiasm for learning and a respect for each other's intelligence.

NOT.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Shannon stole my boyfriend.

That's terrible!

And yours. That bitch.

And I'm joining them tonight for a menage a quatre!

There is, like, no God!

PEDIGREE GIRLS It was so cool. In art class today we had this male model who was a total hottie, and we were all, like, flashing him.

And the poor guy got an erection. I mean, what do you expect? But Ms. Sawyer saw it and asked him to leave.

How did your drawing turn out?

I was inspired, so I rose to the occasion.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Going to the fatherdaughter dance? I would, but my dad's in prison.

You Oh god, I'm sorry.

should be...

...you're the one who brought charges against him!

PEDIGREE GIRLS

I'm sorry Tori, but your dad is a self-centred pig.

Well, of course he is! That's why they call them "Old Boys"...

...instead of "Old Men."

\

PEDIGREE GIRLS Sarah's got six toes on her right foot.

You

I saw it in gym. She's a mutant!

You're a mutant.

serious?

PEDIGREE GIRLS Try to guess the word in my head and you can come to my cottage.

Um, tree?

Nope. Secrecy? \ / No. Cadillac? \ You suck at this.

Forget it. I want out. Keep talking.

PEDIGREE GIRLS

This is boring.

Yeah.

At least we're not assholes.

PEDIGREE GIRLS

Food. Money. Sex.

Yes!

Yes!

PEDIGREE GIRLS Lara, what can you tell me about your brother? He's sooo hot.

My brother? Hmmm. Orgasms relieve stress, not guilt.

Believe me. I've tried.

PEDIGREE GIRLS That's a cute baby.

Thanks.

Boy or girl?

Neither. Demon spawn, in fact.

Oh yes— now\ see it.

PEDIGREE GIRLS People come to this strip expecting some kind of wisdom.

And if not wisdom, at least some sort of humour.

Well, they won't get it.

PEDIGREE GIRLS What'd they say in chapel this morning?

God made men out of dust.

There. That proves men are lower than dirt.

PEDIGREE GIRLS What are you going to be when you grow up?

A golddigger, I guess.

You're serious?

Sure. It's easy. Show a little leg at the right parties and see who bites. Do the honeymoon thang, then cash in the husband. Simple. At least that's what my mom says.

PEDIGREE GIRLS How come we're so attracted to looks? Skimpy clothes, massive endowments, glitz, glamour, and the catchy meaninglessness of it all?

Yet, the truly meaningful, the inspirational, the encouraging, wise and loving go unnoticed?

Sorry, what did you say? There was this total hottie walking by...

What? Where?

PEDIGREE GIRLS Want some Kool-Aid?

Sure. Thanks.

Tasty.

The antidote'll be 20 bucks.

Aw, fuck.

PEDIGREE GIRLS At one point in my life I was seeking out abusive men. I knew it was majorly unhealthy, but I couldn't help myself. But no more.

Now I'm seeking out girls.

Oh goody!

PEDIGREE GIRLS You know that smile that gymnasts put on their face as they're being introduced and just before they go into their routine? Sure.

Well, I've been practising.

You have?

How's it look?

You're radiant.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I have to leave BSS. Dad's lost his job and my marks aren't high enough to get me a scholarship.

We'll still keep in touch and get together once in a while though, won't we?

Heather, of course. This doesn't mean that I'll ignore you, forget to return your calls and pretend you never existed. Don't be silly!

PEDIGREE GIRLS That bitch, Ms. Webb. The next time I see her I hope she's under a bus.

Oh... heh, heh... well, that was just a figure of speech.

She's right behind you.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Look at this: "Needed: 90 overweight people for a new advanced monitored weight reduction, nutrition, and exercise program.

Kendall really came through for us.

I hope they're tender.

Yeah, i don't

want to be eating senior citizens forever.

PEDIGREE GIRLS

Do your parents still have sex?

Oh God, don't even ask...

...even the thought of Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog kissing makes me shudder.

PEDIGREE GIRLS You know, I read that the odds of being captured and killed by a serial killer are 1 in 1,450,000.

I'm feeling lucky. Why don't you go wander outside alone?

PEDIGREE GIRLS

You're supposed to say, "You are".

Who's the prettiest girl of all?

Oh, grow up.

PEDIGREE GIRLS How come you've been drinking so much?

Sometimes I just don't want to be reminded of my life, alright?

You mean like how you envy other people's good fortune? Yeah. How you can't get a boyfriend?

That's enough.

such a loser? ' I said shut up!

PEDIGREE GIRLS Who are we debating with after school?

North Toronto.

Those pathetic publicschool casualties.

Go for the jugular.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I hear your parents are getting a divorce.

Yeah, I'm a rope in a tug-of-war.

Why're they splitting?

They're both bored.

Nice to know that "for better or for worse" still means something.

PEDIGREE GIRLS You're an idiot.

No I'm not.

If you contradict me again, you're not my friend anymore.

PEDIGREE GIRLS What happened? I saw you knee your brother in the groin. You must still be angry he sold those nudie pics of you. i

Yeah, something like that. Did you knee him so he'd apologize?

No. I kneed him before he could apologize.

PEDIGREE GIRLS You're dad's hot. Is that a new moustache on him?

I can see the family resemblance.

Shut up.

yUP.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Did you study?

As if

Like, what's the point?

We're white. I know.

PEDIGREE GIRLS

How big is the universe?

Is time travel possible? Shut up.

Are you high?

Okay, then. Yes.

PEDIGREE GIRLS My mom got me two invites to the Gucci fall collection show in Milan.

When are we going? We're not.

You're going?

Very good. You get a gold star.

Wow.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Whatcha reading?

Never Too Thin.

\

Let me see?

Oh. It's against dieting.

PEDIGREE GIRLS How many calories did you have for lunch today?

What? I don't count calories.

You don't?

No.

Then how do you keep score?

PEDIGREE GIRLS

I just can't believe your dad's been abusing you.

Because he likes me. Why not?

PEDIGREE GIRLS My dad gathered the whole family together last night and told us all he's got a brain tumour.

C'mon, he's just saying that to be difficult.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Whatcha eating?

Bean burrito.

Gnaw on your fist.

Can I have a bite?

PEDIGREE GIRLS I had such a blast last night. I got sooo drunk.

How drunk?

Like I said, sooo drunk.

But how drunk? What'd you do?

How am I s'posed to remember, Irish? I was drunk!

PEDIGREE GIRLS Do you think beautiful people like themselves more?

I know you do.

Oh, so you're saying I'm beautiful?

Forget it.

PEDIGREE GIRLS

Touch it. No.

C'mon. Where's your sense of adventure?

PEDIGREE GIRLS I lost a sock in the laundry yesterday.

No you didn't...

/ took it.

PEDIGREE GIRLS God, your house is so big.

I always feel like I don't belong here.

Well, you don't.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Seen 'Nessa lately? Nah. She's, like, one of those people who drops everyone the second she gets a boyfriend.

That's so fucked up.

Yeah.

I wish I had a boyfriend.

Me too.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I spoke to the guidance counsellor today.

You mean about your anti-social tendencies?

Yeah.

What'd she have to say to you?

Surprisingly, quite a lotafter I untied her.

PEDIGREE GIRLS My brother just won the lottery!

Wow! What's he going to do with all that money?

Buy you.

PEDIGREE GIRLS You ate my mother*.

She could've used a little more salt.

What have you got to say for yourself?

PEDIGREE GIRLS I can't believe the attitude you're copping. You think that just because my parents are rich and influential, everything gets handed to me.

But success requires hard work, Alright, determination, luck a|r'9nt> l>m and sacrifice to sorrv succeed. -

Daddy had to make at least two phone calls to land me that job.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Eat me out?

\

Only if you return the favour.

You're a tough negotiator, but I think we have a deal.

\

PEDIGREE GIRLS How come there are no people in wheelchairs in comics?

Or those who talk in sign language?

Or those who use seeing-eye dogs?

Or disembodied talking heads?

Oh, wait, that's us.

Oh, right.

PEDIGREE PEDIGR Found a dress for the prom yet?

I found this coral-blue spaghetti strap number.

Weird. I've got one that sounds exactly the same.

I'll be going as you.

I know.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I'll read you your horoscope. What's your sign?

Aries.

Uh-oh.

What?! What does it say?

"You will be hit by a bus tomorrow at 4:18 p.m."

It doesn't say that! Lemme see!

PEDIGREE GIRLS Hey, nice skirt.

It's your skirt. I borrowed it from you last month.

Oh, really? Mind if I borrow it back?

...just don't forget to return it.

Not at all...

PEDIGREE GIRLS Comics seem sooo benign.

Yeah. People read us like they're eating dessert.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I am so fucking horny!

Me too.

We're taken in without criticism, without a censor.

We're the crack cocaine of propaganda.

KILL YOUR MOTHER.

FUCK YOUR FATHER

PEDIGREE GIRLS What's so goddamned funny?

You.

Stop laughing. I'm not funny.

Stop it.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Bonjour classe!

Classe, quelle est la date aujourd-hui?

The day you die, witch.

Bonjour Madame!

Ha ha ha!

PEDIGREE GIRLS God, I hate Amber. She wouldn't be so powerful without her posse.

I mean, it's no secret that they want you to kill yourself.

Well, here's my plan: I'll live up to their expectations.

That'll learn 'em.

It's settled, then. I'll hang myself.

Hey, listen, I've got this great outfit to be found in.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I met my ex's new girlfriend today.

Oh yeah?

Yeah. She's really pretty, smart, she's got guts and has goals, she dresses really well, and she's even offered to get me a job!

God,! hate her!

PEDIGREE GIRLS Who're you fucking these days?

None of your goddamn business.

Come on.

God. This is enough to make me start reading your diary again. No.

PEDIGREE GIRLS What did your uncle want to talk to you about?

What do you mean?

The other night when I left—he seemed like he wanted to talk to you.

Oh, that.

Not talk.

PEDIGREE GIRLS So how was your date?

We drove out to the airport to watch the planes take off. The smog enveloped us and by the end, I was puking on the pavement, with him holding my hand.

I loved every minute of it!

PEDIGREE GIRLS I've always liked Eddie Haskell.

I've always liked Walked

Figures.

What's that supposed to mean?

PEDIGREE GIRLS This comic strip isn't going anywhere.

What makes you say that?

You're a "Wally"

type.

And you're a bitch.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Heads or tails?

Heads.

Tails. You lose.

Shit.

Yeah. Maybe not.

Right.

Okay, then: with my fingers or with my tongue?

PEDIGREE GIRLS I'm worried about our friendship. Will it change after we become lovers?

Hmmm. Maybe we'd better not, then.

Yup.

Uh-huh.

PEDIGREE GIRL

Pedigree Girls.

That's us.

Ten times more successful than the national leading brand!

We're not quitters.

We're winners.

Not like your kids.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Sign my yearbook?

Anything.

Sure

What should write?

Hey. You know what I mean.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Get rid of those socks. They're sooo ugly.

Don't be like that to me.

Hey.

Love me.

PEDIGREE GIRLS How come you're so mean to me?

I'm insane.

You are not.

Roast.

What?

Cabinet.

PEDIGREE GIRLS You're a pale imitation of reality.

Why?

You've got no arms, torso or legs.

They're out of the frame.

What frame?

Can a fish see the water it's swimming in?

PEDIGREE GIRLS I can't believe we were tied up and robbed .

How do we get out of here?

Well, let's try to loosen these ropes. Is that your hand?

Yeah.

It's warm.

PEDIGREE GIRLS What's it like to be you?

What do you mean?

I mean, to be as popular as you are.

I always thought that if I were popular that my life would be different.

Well, it's nice, I guess. People pay attention.

Do you get more guys?

More than

you.

PEDIGREE GIRLS

I'm sleepy.

Want to come to my room for a nap?

No funny business?

None. I promise.

But, why not?

PEDIGREE GIRLS

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Who's there?

It's me.

Oh, hi.

PEDIGREE GIRLS God, I'm happy.

You look it. What's up?

Ben licked me for hours last night.

That's great! Did you have sex?

Have you lost your mind? Have sex with my dog?

Oh, sorry.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Where's your dad these days?

He gambles? The casino.

He "speculates".

What?

The Toronto Stock Exchange casino.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Are you coming over to prep for the prom tonight?

Which one is your house again?

You know—the one all the police cars were in front of the other night.

Sure.

PEDIGREE GIRLS My dad keeps saying he's going to kill Cara and me, and then himself. You know, to punish my mom.

Oh, that's awful!

By the way, could I get my sweater back from you?

PEDIGREE GIRLS You don't bluff easily.

You're in my way. Move or I'll kiss you.

I'm ready for my close-up.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Your family is weird.

What do you mean?

Your parents don't communicate.

My mom just served my father with divorce papers this morning.

They do so.

PEDIGREE GIRLS "Family found dead."

"Volunteers look for body."

"Fire claims fourteen."

"Pedophile "

released

So we're a little late for class.

Give us a break.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Those pretty girls think they're so fucking special.

Hold on, just because someone's pretty doesn't always mean they feel good about themselves.

Who asked you?

PEDIGREE GIRLS The iced caffe lattes in this place are amazing!

Oh, yeah. I totally agree with you.

You'd better.

PEDIGREE GIRLS

Omigod!

What is it?

I just saw Angie get pulled into a car by two men! I'm worried!

Don't worry. I'm sure the kidnappers can take care of themselves.

PEDIGREE GIRLS David's dead.

Your boyfriend?

I think your dad is a tad overprotective.

My dad took out a contract on him.

Isn't he sweet?

PEDIGREE GIRLS When I was little, my dad used to spank me over his knee and my clit would rub against it.

I had the best and most intense orgasms of my life that way.

Wow

-

What do vou use these

His cock.

days?

PEDIGREE GIRLS I'm a little worried about your relationship with your dad.

Why's that?

He's abusing you! But you're acting like nothing's happening! You've naturalized an unnatural situation!

Holy shit! You're right! I'm not going to take it anymore! He's been cheating on me for years!

PEDIGREE GIRLS

I'm hungry.

What are you thinking of?

Listen, if you eat me I'll make you fat.

You? You're a snack.

You.

PEDIGREE GIRLS What happened to you?

What do you mean?

You used to be a tomboy. We used to be wild. We used to have fun.

What do you mean? We can still have fun being shy, obedient, quiet and pretty.

PEDIGREE GIRLS People can be so cruel.

I know what you mean.

No you don't, you fat fuck.

What?!

Now you know what I mean.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I was lifeguarding at the beach today. And?

And these kids were waving to me from the deep waters.

Did you wave back?

Yeah, but they disappeared before they saw me.

How rude.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I still can't believe you hired someone to kill me just because I didn't invite you to my cottage.

Well, fuck..

PEDIGREE GIRLS You're pregnant? Who's the father?

It's God's child.

Alright, don't tell me. Smile your Mona Lisa smile.

...I said I was sorry.

PEDIGKiE GIRLS

Is that a bruise?

Urn, no.

If that's a bruise, you should get some help.

It's not a bruise. It's a subdermal contusion.

Well, that's different, then.

See? Nothing to get excited about.

PEOIGRU ems So, I was cutting myself with a razor last night in the living room, and my mom walks in on me.

Boy, she must have freaked.

Yeah. She was like, "Don't you dare get blood all over my new couch!"

GIRLS Shit. You're cutting yourself again?

No worries. It's under stuff, so no one will see the scars.

Why do you do it?

It relieves stress.

You might try smoking.

Are you kidding? Smoking'll kill you.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Cue the piano music.

I am sooo proud of you. I think you're amazing. I love you.

You're not alone.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I need to write a suicide note.

Omigod! You're |<j||jng yourself?

Yeah. So, like, write it, then put my name on it, willya?

You mean, like I do for your homework?

PMIGHEE GIRLS

I'm in love with Edie.

You mean in grade 12?

I just want to lick her from head to toe.

How uncivilized.

This from a girl who sneaks peeks at my bum during gym.

not just

your burm

PEDIGREE GIRLS I found orange Tang crystals in my pubic hair this morning.

Oh, really?

Let me see what colour your tongue is.

PEDIGREE ems So, I'm working at Holt's and this lady walks in with an enormous Armani handbag, reeking to high heaven of Chanel No. 5, and yelling incoherently at us.

She abuses us and we have to take it because she usually drops at least a grand on clothes. Sometimes they close the store and models pose in the clothes for her.

We have those at our store, too. We call 'em stinky bag ladies.

PEDIGREE GlttlS God. The only reason that guy is sooo good looking is to pop a lot of cherries...

...including mine, which I really resent.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Want to do each other's hair tonight?

Sure.

Afterwards we can murder my mother.

Urn, pass.

You're no fun.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I mean, falling for your best friend, especially if it's a girl, is traumatic...

PEDIGREE

I mean... you know...

...so I've heard.

ems

Omigod! Felicia! You never told me my blind date would be with you!

Oh.

So, I see that no introduction is necessary.

PiDIGKil

ems

Ohhh, I like him.

Yeah. Devon?

But he's Asian.

So what?

Look, tan and beige clash.

PIOIGREi GIRLS God, we're really good friends, aren't we? I mean, I'd even say you're my best friend.

Sure.

PEOIGHH ems I hate abortion clinics. They're full of people not smart enough not to make more versions of themselves.

Hey! Why d'ya think I asked you here? I'm pregnant.

Like said.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Alex dumped me.

Oh, that's terrible! I feel so much sympathy for you.

It II pass.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Omigod! Not again!

Puberty is sending me through panties like kleenex.

What is it?

PEDIGREE GIRLS Sure, you can come over for dinner. Meeting my girlfriends always causes my daddy's ulcer to bleed.

Finally. Thank you.

No, thank you.

PEDIGREE GIRLS

So you want to go for a coffee?

Let's fuck.

What?!

Some of us are falling asleep here.

PIOIGHEE ems I can't believe they're shooting a film here!

Another affluent prep school flick full of sex, drugs and...

...an unknown serial killer!

When does it begin?

As soon as I can lure the star into the boiler room.

PEDIGREE GIKLS So, I just signed over my dead parents' fortune to you...

...but what are you going to do with it? I don't understand.

I was counting on that.

PEDIGREE GIRLS So, how do I look?

You know those supermodels?

Omigod! Yes.

PEDIGREE ems When I was 13 I swore never to take drugs because I thought, what if I become president?

But I got over that.

PEOIGREI ems So, I switched from using #36 Golden Tresses to using #42 Barbie Blonde...

...but my boyfriend didn't even notice!

Talk about missing the obvious.

Well, you look nothing like them.

PEDIGREE ems You know that sexist pig that was hiring?

And I told you to tailor yourself for the job?

Right. Well, it worked! I got the job.

Great!

Now I can take these tissues out of my bra.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Omigod! Like, when I went to the bathroom this morning, there were all these little white things crawling around my pubic hair.

Talk about a bad hair day!

PEOWMI ems So how's your mom doing?

She's investing with a 20 percent return!

That's nothing! My mom's getting a 50 percent return!

That's incredible! But how?

Divorce.

PEDIGREE GIRLS So, this is it. The comic strip.

Yup.

I don't get it. What's the punchline? Where's the joke?

You're the joke.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I'm a little concerned about your barely suppressed anger.

Jean, don't worry. I'm more likely to kill myself than kill someone else.

What a relief!

PfDHSm BIHIS You're serious?

Dead.

How?

With your dad's gun.

Pardon me? I didn't catch that.

Oh, alright. With your dad's gun, please.

PIDIBRH GIRLS

So, how are you doing?

I'm going to throw myself off a bridge!

Urn, maybe you should talk to a guidance counsellor about that.

She's the one that suggested it!

PlDIEHii BIRIS Let's get off this ledge, okay?

That's not what I meant.

Okay.

PHIGREE ems So, what's this big secret you were going to tell me?

My dad's in prison.

Really? So you were lying to me this whole time!

Wait a minute. I wasn't lying...

...I told you he was living in a gated community!

PEDIGREE GIRLS Let's play.

Okay.

I'm a shark.

What'll I be?

Bait.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Kris, you're so sexy, I could just eat you up.

I'm not Kris. I'm her twin sister, Kira.

Well, that goes for you too.

ptoiemi ems I want a rich boyfriend.

That's sooo superficial!

Personally, I don't care if a boy has a lot of money...

...as long as his family does.

PEOIGRK GIRLS I think I might be pregnant. I don't know what to do.

...no one wants to hear it.

Liz, Liz, Liz.

ptoiem ems I think having a beauty contest is a great idea!

Ironic considering our school's feminist mandate. That's it,

I love that we're the judges.

Popularity, at last!

exactly!

PIOIGREi GIRLS What should the Miss Branksome Pageant posters say?

That hot guys will be ushers.

Wow. Really?

No. But see how it got your attention?

PEDIGREE GIRLS I fucked your boyfriend last night.

.that's mine.

Hey...

PEDDIGREE GIRLS I think our And uniforms have fasnionable. definitely |don'tlike become bej t of sexualized. atrend _

We are distorted, commercialized and offered up for consumption.

Kilts are

being divorced from their true

meaning.

What does a kilt mean? That we're sexy as hell.

PWIGREE BIRLS Do you really think she'll drop out?

I don't know. Keep your fingers crossed.

I mean, what was she thinking, wearing her socks up like that? Did she, like, think she was one of us or something?

It's time to thin the herd.

PEDIGREE GIRLS What do you want to be when you grow up?

I don't think I'll last past next spring.

I mean, why did you become a lemming?

I don't know. Everyone else did.

PEDIGREE GIRLS My mom wants me to bring home someone she can sleep with.

You gonna?

I owe her.

PEDIGREE GIRLS

Chelsea?

What?

I've got a confession to make.

Good for you.

I have a dick.

Good for me.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Okay. I know you want your dad killed. I have a friend who knows someone who can help you.

Are you out of your mind?! How much?

PEDIGREE GIRLS I mean, I totally can't see how Brad could have stood me up.

On purpose.

PEDIGREE GIRLS The sad fact is that looks really are the most important thing.

Take, for example, you and me.

Okay... just take me.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Nicole, sometimes you exaggerate things to make a point. I know.

But sometimes you go too far. People think you're scary.

Scary? How?

Scary like fucked up, shitless scary, you know.

Don't worry. They won't be thinking a thing after Monday.

PEDIGREE GIRLS

FALL

PARADISE

REDEMPTION

PEDIGREE GIRLS Going to the dance?

Sure.

Who're you taking?

Oh, nobody. Just me, myself, and I. Ha ha ha. And you?

Oh, just me and my ugly needs... ha ha ha.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Want to play Russian roulette?

Sure.

I've even got my dad's gun.

Cool.

Well... you first.

PEDIGREE GIRLS God, Blair. I love that you work here. You can get me deals, can't you? Say, do you have these pumps in a size eight?

Well, we've got a lot more in the back...

...as do you.

Shut up.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I hear recylcing only accounts for 0.004% of all landfill volume.

But it removes 40% of consumer guilt.

I hear recylcing only accounts for 0.004% of all landfill volume.

But it removes 40% of consumer guilt.

I hear recylcing only accounts for 0.004% of all landfill volume.

But it removes 40% of consumer guilt.

PEDIGREE GIRLS So, I had this awesome dream last night.

Oh yeah?

Yup. I dreamed that—

Don't tell me!

Why not?

You'll spoil it for me.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I know it was you.

Me? What?

Who wrote, "Kill yourself. Yours truly, God" in my diary.

Well, obviously it wasn't from me.

PEDIGREE GIRLS

Don't lie.

I'm not lying.

Admit it, you vandalized my diary!

Well, you left it in plain sight underneath your mattress for anyone to find!

PEDIGREE GIRLS Let's sleep together.

I'm HIV positive.

Well... maybe not.

There you go, making snap judgments again.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Yes.

No.

Yes.

No.

I'd stay and continue this battle of wits with you, but you're obviously unarmed.

PEDIGREE GIRLS God, I hate your kilt.

What do you mean? It's the same as yours.

I mean, I hate you.

That's better.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I mean, I've been lonely all my life, and I'm not even that nice a person...

...but I'm really glad you're my friend. I'm glad we're best friends. I love you.

Like, I totally agree. I love me too.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Did your dad buy you that convertible?

Get real.

Did he take you out to dinner?

Get realer.

Did he take you to a hotel?

Too real!

PEDIGREE GIRLS What do you want to be when you grow up?

A paid assassin.

Jesus. You'd kill people for money?

I'd kill my dad for free.

PEDIGREE GIRLS What are you getting for Christmas?

Breast reduction surgery.

Oh, no! I love your breasts.

I don't.

Why not?

They're testicles.

PEDIGREE GIRLS We have to talk.

About what?

About the orange powdered shit you sprinkle on your vulva.

Oh, that...

Girls lick more when there's flavour.

PEDIGREE GIRLS What do you think is the fastest way to get Jake into bed?

I do have a black belt. Hmmm...

Force him.

...I would try a garter belt first!

PEDIGREE GIRLS God! This school is sooo I know. I mean, I thought more conservative! people would be having sex.

People are having sex...

...just not you.

PEDIGREE GIRLS You're kind of like my sidekick, aren't you?

No.

Oh, come off it. I mean, we all would like to think we're the stars of our own lives, but you're the wisecracking, weird-looking girl who hangs out with the more popular, better-looking one.

Like I said, you're my side-OW!

I think the operative word here is kick.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I had sex on a first date. Was I being stupid?

No more than usuano, of course not.

PEDIGREE GIRLS You mean, like buying someone's first-born child?

Do you ever want kids?

No. I meant, like kids of your own.

You mean, for dinner?

No, like... forget it.

Is this a trick question?

PEDIGREE GIRLS YAWN!

"Cocksucker's cramp?"

Jealous?

PEDIGREE GIRLS Cooo! Cooo! Hey. There's a pigeon just outside the window.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

DINNER!

PEDIGREE GIRLS How come you like me?

I don't.

But I'm your best friend!

You're not my best friend.

But you just said so five seconds ago.

That was five seconds ago.

PEDIGREE GIRLS What's wrong?

You'll always be more popular than me, won't you?

Yeah.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Are you Satan?

Nope.

Well, Satan would lie to me.

Okay, I am Satan.

Omigod!

FOOLISH MORTAL!

PEDIGREE GIRLS So reach up under your kilt. What do you find?

Ummm... a nub.

Good! Rub it.

Rub the nub?

Here, let me.

Aye! There's the rub.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Leah, you look great!

All dressed up and no place to go.

Why's that?

I got dressed up for you.

So, you'll be getting undressed, then.

Righty-o.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I love Lou.

Did you just say, "I love you?"

I said, "I love Lou." Why in the world would I say I love you?

I don't know. It was just a thought.

PEDIGREE GIRLS

Ready for dinner?

Sure.

Well?

The kitchen's that way. I'll be in my room.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Stop picking that scab!

I can't help it. It's sooo itchy.

That's ridiculous! You wouldn't sleep with your brother just because you were horny, would you?

Would you?

PEDIGREE GIRLS You crazy bitch, why did you kill my parents?

Because you deserve better.

Well, alright. You're not so bad.

PEDIGREE GIRLS You've got a fat ass.

What the fuck?! Why did you just say that?!

Dee, I'm your best friend...

...and as your best friend, I owe it to you to reveal uncomfortable truths.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Oh, Courtney, I'm sooo glad you're okay with me going out with your ex. Oh! They're playing "Dancing Queen"! I've gotta go dance! Watch my purse, will ya?

You go girl!

Bitch.

PEDIGREE GIRLS God, I hate this school.

Why?

Well, it's sooo fucking conservative. They'll punish you if you wear a little lipstick. The smallest thing causes huge controversy. There are too many privileged and ignorant WASPs here.

Wait a minute... what do insects have to do with this?

PEDIGREE GIRLS C'mon. It'll be fun.

Wipe your own bum.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Amanda, I hate to tell you this, but your boyfriend and I have fallen in love with each other. He wants to break up with you.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Cathryn, sometimes I feel like you're walking on eggshells around me. You totally don't have to. Be yourself. Do what you want.

Well, I don't believe you.

I swear to God! May you get hit by a bus if I'm lying!

PEDIGREE GIRLS What's up?

My mom's closet is full.

What's she gonna do about it?

The usual.

Move.

PEDIGREE GIRLS My dad told me the next time I'm complaining about something to think about what the blind guy begging in the wheelchair is feeling.

Ha Ha Ha !!!

PEDIGREE GIRLS Whenever I drink coffee I get horny.

Really? It makes me shit.

Really? Hmmm...

I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Still seeing Craig?

Nope.

Single again?

Um, between boyfriends.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I've started working at my dad's ad agency.

That's great! What's the first thing you've sold?

Myself.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Come closer!

I can't. My arm's in the way.

Well, cut it off then.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I'm having a pool party.

It doesn't matter. You're not invited.

I can't swim.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Dances scare me.

Why?

Boys are weird. They're so different.

Different? How?

Different, you know.

Why? Because they've got cocks?

PEDIGREE GIRLS Hey, don't ever question me in front of the clique again.

What?!

You just don't fucking get it, do you?

PEDIGREE GIRLS Can I have your boyfriend?

Have? No way.

Use? Okay.

Use?

PEDIGREE GIRLS I just love Jean-Paul Gaultier!

Who's that?

Sacrilege!

PEDIGREE GIRLS Wanna stay with me at my dad's this summer?

Sure. What'll we do there?

Me.

PEDIGREE GIRLS My boyfriend's been dead now for two weeks...

...and the sex just keeps getting better and better.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Would you eat me if I was the last piece of m at on a desert island?

Yeah, I'm gonna eat you...

...but, why dwell?

PEDIGREE GIRLS Where'd you get that swank bag?

My dad got it for me.

What? He didn't get me one?

PEDIGREE GIRLS I'm sad. Can I have a hug?

What's a hug?

Oh, come on. Didn't your parents ever give you a hug when you were younger?

Oh, that. They didn't want to spoil us, you see.

It's not my fault. No matter how much I eat I can't seem to gain any pounds!

I see you have the opposite problem.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Victoria, please. Eat something or your anorexia will come back. As it is you're all skin and bones!

PEDIGREE GIRLS Hey, when is this so-called "boyfriend" of yours going to materialize?

He doesn't want to meet you.

I'm sooo offended! How can someone in your head hold so much resentment against someone he's never even met?

PEDIGREE GIRLS Are you really Satan?

Yes.

Oh my God!

Sell me your soul.

Got rid of that years ago.

PEDIGREE GIRLS

So, what do you want to do now?

I dunno.

I'm too young to have creative control.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Hey, remember when you said you wanted to date me?

Oh, forget that. I don't want you to think I'm a lesbian or something.

But you are, and so am I.

Oh, well, if you put it that way...

PEDIGREE GIRLS Wow. You broke Lauren's arm and stole her Lancome makeup kit. Is it because she called you white trailer-trash only here on a charity scholarship?

Nope. Random violence.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Why do you hate me?

You're a snob.

Jesus H. Christ! I just got here yesterday!

Name-dropping already?

PEDIGREE GIRLS Where's your sister, Mich?

I ate her.

Oh. Are your parents going to have another?

No. They're trying to teach me a lesson...

...if you eat your siblings, you're going to be alone.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Omigod. The world's changing so fast these days, isn't it Liz?

Liz isn't here right now.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I hate chopping onions.

It makes me cry. Why?

Try closing your eyes.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I mean, what's the big deal about Hitler?

He thought that white people were the best people in the whole wide world.

Sounds good to me.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I mean, something had to be done.

But with a chainsaw?

The chainsaw was the quickest way to get things done.

But I mean, why did you do it?

I need rationale.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Lend me $100?

No.

Okay, then, give me $100.

You're crazy!

Listen, we've got to work as a team here.

PEDIGREE GIRLS God, it's almost six o'clock. I've gotta run.

Family dinner was never a big deal in my house.

That's cuz you killed your family.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Hey, Mel, guess what?

What?

My dad just bought your dad's company.

Give me your boyfriend. And? Your point?

PEDIGREE GIRLS Um, I want a new Pentax camera for my birthday.

Katherine, I can't afford that.

Watch your mouth.

PEDIGREE GIRLS \ want to watch Dead Poet's Society again.

It's hard to explain, but somehow it touched me.

No, that was my hand.

Why? Oh, right.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Hey, Kelly, do you have any friends that aren't white?

Lemme see...

PEDIGREE GIRLS You gonna?

I don't want to.

You'd fucking better.

Okay, alright.

Good. I can see that our friendship has grown.

PEDIGREE GIRLS So, I told everyone about your genital warts.

Tara! Holy shit! I trusted you!

You should know better than that.

PEDIGREE GIRLS

It's hard to take the school elections seriously.

It's just a popularity contest. Every year the prettiest and richest girl wins.

Hmmm. Maybe I should run.

PEDIGREE GIRLS God, Karen. I thought we were going to hate each other forever. Can you believe we were dire enemies before we became friends?

We're not friends...

...you just ceased to be a threat.

PEDIGREE GIRLS God, these books are heavy.

That's your cue.

Oh, yeah, right.

PEDIGREE GIRLS So, why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead!

Ha! I kill me.

You're behind schedule.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Wanna sleep with me?

Um, no.

You know, some people die without ever having slept with anyone.

And some people die a lot sooner because they do.

PEDIGREE GIRLS What was that?

I said, okay, I'll sleep with you.

Well, I hope you're really really ready because I'm really, really good.

Afterwards we can award medals.

PEDIGREE GIRLS How come you hate her so much?

Well, I mean, there's nothing really wrong with her, but...

...I think I can only empathize with the wounded.

Well, that can be arranged.

Wow! I didn't know you were pregnant.

'm not.

You really are my friend, aren't you?

PEDIGREE GIRLS Quick! Put your hand here. The baby's kicking!

PEDIGREE GIRLS I need money.

Rob a bank.

Oh, that's original.

Rob me.

What do you have that / would want?

PEDIGREE GIRLS Where'd Mel go?

She's gone.

She smoked up one night and the stuff triggered her hitherto latent schizophrenic tendencies. She's nuts now.

St. Clement's: Expands Minds. Produces Vegetables.

PEDIGREE GIRLS It's my eighteenth birthday tomorrow.

Last chance to commit a major felony.

Whatcha gonna get me?

Breakfast in bed.

Bacon and eggs?

No. A glass of piss and a plate of shit. Of course fucking bacon and eggs.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Oh, Alexa, I heard. I'm sooo sorry.

No worries. It's totally okay.

I mean, I know it's not everyday your baby brother drowns in your swimming pool.

wish.

PEDIGREE GIRLS You want my what?!

Your first born.

You're crazy! I'm not giving you anything!

Then I' burn your house down.

You can't be serious!

Look at me. Do I look like I'm joking?

PEDIGREE GIRLS Are you going to finish that?

Are you an alcoholic or something?

Answer my fucking question.

\

PEDIGREE GIRLS Okay. Here's the PIN number to my trust fund.

Thank you sooo much!

Your parents are tied up in the pool house. Better hurry.

Thank you sooo much!

PEDIGREE GIRLS Oh, Morgan. I forgot my purse at home. Can I borrow five bucks?

Then what the fuck good are you?

No.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I still don't understand why we have to sacrifice someone. I mean, what kind of school is this? \

We have to sacrifice someone so the crops will grow this season.

What crops? We're in the middle of a city.

Oh. You're right. How very perceptive of you.

Thanks. The benefits of a private-school education.

\

PEDIGREE GIRLS I hate sitting at these cramped desks every day.

You become more tender the less you move.

What do you mean?

You're crazy! They want us tender, like veal.

Maybe so. But you're lunch.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Who do we sacrifice this month?

Courtney's been pretty uppity lately.

Do you think she'll please Ms. Webb?

Totally. Courtney's still a virgin.

I still feel totally bad about this.

You'll feel diferently, ahem, next month.

PEDIGREE GIRLS How come you're so domineering?

At my center is a code, something formulated when I was so young that the reason for it is long forgotten.

Oh.

Now, don't ask any more questions!

PEDIGREE GIRLS I watched Thelma and Louise again last night.

hated it.

Two white women shooting the shit, talking about banalities.

Who on earth would want to see that?

PEDIGREE GIRLS You've got something in your teeth.

No I don't.

Sure you do. Close your eyes and open your mouth.

Hold on. You're trying to kiss me again.

Don't flatter yourself. Now stop gabbing and pucker up.

\

PEDIGREEGIRLS Let's go bowling.

Let's not.

PEDIGREE GIRLS You've got big fingers,

You know what they say about

girls with big fingers.

What? That they'll hit your g-spot every time, send you into the pleasure planet stratosphere?

No. Just that they're good bowlers.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Say, Julia, could I please have my birthday party down in your family's one-lane bowling alley basement?

You know how hard it is for me to say no.

No.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Alison, remember that night we slept together?

Of course.

Well, anyway, had my head on your chest and... well...

What is it?

You don't have a heartbeat

Oh, that.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Omigod!

Amber, what is it?!

I lost my virginity!

That's great!

To a guy who probably settled for me because the girl he really liked wasn't interested. \

Now, now. There's no need to be realistic.

PEDIGREE GIRLS So, anyway, I met this guy...

And?

And! kinda like him...

And...?

Let me have this love

lf

y°u think ' 9 this clique alive, you're crazy.

vou re Ieavin

PEDIGREE GIRLS You've got a large family.

I know.

All your aunts live here. Even your 30-year-old sister lives here. What gives?

Dad wanted access to as many females as possible.

PEDIGREE GIRLS I'm back from Florida! Bring me anything?

This smooch, my love.

No joke. Bring me anything?

PEDIGREE GIRLS So you'll let me?

Let you what?

Have your boyfriend for the weekend?

My Spidey-sense is tingling about that one...

PEDIGREE GIRLS I can't believe it! You killed my parents!

Then you seduced my brother into signing the family fortune over to you!

Calm down. What would Jesus do?

PEDIGREE GIRLS What's your new friend like?

Like you. But really pretty.

PEDIGREE GIRLS God, that guy was sooo immature. I wonder how many guys are looking for their mothers?

I wonder how many girls are looking for their fathers?

I wonder how many fathers are looking for their daughters?

PEDIGREE GIRLS I mean, what I'm saying is do you want to be my girlfriend, or do you want to be my girlfriend?

What?

The subtleties of my question are lost on the uninterested.

PEDIGREE GIRLS That was a great movie!

Totally amazing!

Yeah, well, I guess I should be getting home.

Well, I won't keep you then.

Wait. I want to be kept.

PEDIGREE GIRLS

Love me!

Love me!

I love you.

That's better.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Alright, who's your social better?

You are. Why?

Just checking.

PEDIGREE GIRLS Why do you make fun of me so much?

Because I can't be you.

Oh. Well, go ahead then.

INDEX

a Abby 25 abortions 21, 91 abuse 22, 25, 29, 33, 34, 38, 39, 40, 49, 52, 60, 61, 67, 75, 78, 84, 85, 87, 89, 92, 97, 102, 107, 121

accidents 17 addiction 16, 17, 18,34, 132 after-school specials 21, 27, 37, 50,84 AIDS 37, 47, 106, 129 alcohol 17, 18, 34, 63, 68, 132 Alex 92 Alexa 27, 131 Alicia 34 Alison 136 Amanda 115 Amber 74, 136 ambition 9,20,57, 107, 112 amputation 117, 124 Amy 19 Andrea Cook 14 Angle 83 Audrey 12

b

dating 8, 12, 25, 29, 76, 93, 109, 114, 122 Daria Martin 40 David 26, 84 Dead Poets Society 126 debating club 64 Debbie Gibson 35 demon spawn 59 Devon 91 dieting 21,66 dinners 10, 14,26,92, 107, 110, 113 diplomats 11 divorce 17, 60, 64, 82, 95 cancer 15 doppelgangers 72 cannibalism 10,26,27,31,34, downsizing 24, 47 62,71,85,98, 110, 120, 123,133 dreams 105 Cara 81 drugs 7, 19,30,48,66,94, 131 Carrie Hunt 11 Dylan 43 Cathryn 115 chapel 59 Charlie Brown 37 cheating 12, 84 eating disorders 13,121 cheerleaders 16 Eddie Haskell 76 Chelsea 101 Christ, Jesus H. 14, 38, 107, 123, Edie 88 Emme 51 138 clothes 11, 12, 13, 20, 33, 39, 40, envy 11,12,13, 16,52,63 41, 44, 47, 73, 74, 89, 100, 104, evidence 12, 18, 30 evil 26,30,84 106, 112, 120 cocaine 19, 73 cockteasing 37 contract murder 84, 86, 102, 107

braces 18 Brad 102 Branksome Hall 99 breasts 15, 30, 48, 51, 55, 60, 108 Brenda 12 brothers 7, 9, 35, 38, 45, 49, 58, 65,70, 113, 131, 138 business 20, 24, 34, 38, 61, 71, 95, 122

C

e

ballet 26 cool 18, 36, 56 bastards 12, 15 connections 42, 46, 54, 71 beauty 18, 22, 60, 68, 99, 102, coprophilia 115, 116, 131 138 cosmetic surgery 19 Ben 80 cottages 57, 86 bestiality 80 Courtney 114,134 birthdays 26,52, 126, 131, 136 Craig 117 Bishop Strachan School 61 cunnilingus 44, 71, 89, 108 bitches 8, 10, 12,51,56,62,76, curiosity 17,27,28,32,33,43 113, 114 Blair 104 blind dates 90 blind spots 43 daddy 7, 10, 14, 15, 17,24,29, blondes 10, 24, 94, 34, 36, 45, 46, 47, 54, 56, 57, 61, bodyguards 47 64, 67, 73, 81, 82, 84, 92, 93, 96, body image 8, 9, 13, 18, 19 97, 102, 104, 107, 116, 117, 119, bondage 70, 79, 132 boyfriends 25, 56, 63, 70, 75, 84, 120, 126, 132, 137, 139 Dairy Queen 20 94,98,100,115,117, 119, 120, "Dancing Queen" 114 121, 126, 138

d

f

fame 23 fat 21,62,85, 114, 121, 133 fat camp 11 father-daughter dance 56 feces 24,33, 116 Felicia 90 friendship 44, 51, 52, 54, 64, 77, 79,91, 107, 111, 114, 115, 116, 119, 127, 128, 130, 138 fucking 9, 33, 38, 75, 93 fuck-me boots 20 fuck you 14,34,25,27,50

g

Gail 20 gambling 81 gated communities 17, 22, 97 garter belts 33,108

girlfriends 30, 75,128,139 God 16,23,30,39,40,46,49, 51, 53, 56, 59, 69, 80, 83, 86, 88,89,90,92,95, 105, 106, 109, 114, 115, 122, 124, 125, 128, 136, 139 guidance 70, 97 guns 16, 96, 104 gymnastics 26, 61

h hair 14, 16,51,52,90,95 Hairy Cunt 11 Halloween apples 51 Harper's Bazaar 24 hate 43,44,75, 106, 130 Havergal College 55 Head Girl 20 Heather 61 Hillary 41 Hitler, Adolf 24, 124 hockey 32 homicide 52, 90, 93, 104, 107, 113, 125, 138 horny 13,73, 113, 116 horoscope 72 hotties 14, 35, 58, 60, 99 •

iced caffe lattes 83,116 ignorance/bliss 11,22,27, 28, 31,33,35,36,46,63,77,84, 86,87,90,93,99, 107, 110, 114 immaturity 15, 45, 63, 139 inappropriateness 7, 14, 15, 25, 29, 30, 34, 36, 75, 81, 84, 87, 90,97, 116, 137, 139 incest 7, 9, 14, 38, 58, 75, 107, 113, 139 insanity 78,80,84, 121, 133 insecurity 11, 18 intellectuals 43, 79 •

Jake 108 Julia 136 Jason 39 jealousy 9, 14, 16, 84, 110, 111,

114,120,140 Jean-Paul Gaultier 119 Jenn 19,27,54 Jess(ica) 42

Ik Karen 128 Kate 34 Katherine 126 Kayla 12 Kelly Barthes 45, 127 Kendall 62 kidnappings 11, 23, 29, 47, 52, 83 Kira 98 kissing 16,29,82, 135, 137 Kool-Aid 60 Kris(ten) 98 Kristy 38

I Lara 58 Laura 27 Lauren 123 laughter 8, 45, 46, 50, 74, 96, 103, 116, 129 laundry 40, 69 Leah 112 lesbians 27, 34, 47, 79, 82, 88, 90,92,98, 112, 119, 122, 126, 136 lifeguarding 86 Linds(ay) 24 Liz 99, 124 loans 7, 38, 39, 40, 51, 52, 55, 73,81,101,125 losers 29, 63 "Lost in Your Eyes" 35 love 33, 44, 45, 60, 77, 78, 82, 84,88, 107,112, 137,140 Lucy 37 luck 8, 11,31,38,61,63,77, 101 lying 28,35,36,46,49,51,53, 55, 60, 61, 62, 72, 81, 97, 99, 105, 111, 115, 130

m

P

Maeve 29 magic words 51 Mare 39 mass murder 103, 125 masturbation 7, 27 Matt 14 Meaghan 16 media 7, 35, 42, 88, 93, 100, 117,

panties 92 parties 16,31,38,39,48,52,53,

118

perfect lives 33, 103 pimples 25 plagarism 88, 105 pleasure 9, 15, 17, 26, 27, 38, 85, 90, 115 139 poor people 9,13,116 Mein Kampf 24 popularity 14, 23, 42, 79, 83, 99, 100, 109, 111, 118, 128, 140 Mel(anie) 126 Mel(issa) 131 posses 13, 33, 74 pregnancy 91, 99, 130 Mich(elle) 14, 123 Mike 12 pressing charges 42, 56 missing girls 23, 31, 48, 85 proms 7, 72, 81 models 9, 24, 89, 94 puberty 92, 94 mom 7, 10, 14, 17, 18, 21, 60, 66, pubic hair 44, 89, 95, 108 71,73,81,82,87,90,93,95, 101, 116, 132,139 money 7, 9, 13, 18, 19, 41, 58, 70, 89, 93, 98, 102, 104, 110, 125,

126, 130, 133

Morgan 31, 133 Mr. Stephens 46 Ms. Sawyer 56 Ms. Webb 32,62, 134 Ms. Zenia 54 Muppets, The 62 murder suicide 81,104 mutants 7, 57

r

race 23,24,29,65,91, 127 ransoms 11, 52 rape 34 reality 9, 11, 16,48,82,84,85, 100, 102, 103, 107, 136, 139

roomies -12, 41, 44 River Phoenix 28 rudeness 37, 86 Russian roulette 104

n

S

Naomi 38 Nat(alie) 53 necrophilia 120 nerds 18, 46 new girl 14,40 Nicole 103 North Toronto C.I. 64

Sandra 41 Sarah 57 Satan 54, 111, 122 self-esteem 83, 129 self-mutilation 40, 41, 87 serial killers 63, 93 Seventeen magazine 43

O Old Boys 57 Oprah Winfrey 24 orgasms 17, 58, 84

sex 7, 15, 16, 19, 26, 42, 43, 47, 50, 53, 56, 58, 62, 77, 80, 93, 100, 101, 106, 109, 112, 126, 129, 135

STDs 16,86,91,95, 127 sexism 35, 95 Shannon 56 Sheila 12 sisters 11,52,55,98, 123, 137 slumber parties 36 sports utility vehicles 17

St. Andrew's College 35 St. Clement's School 131 Steph(anie) 19 strap-ons 39 stuffed bras 33, 95 suicide 7, 29, 30, 41, 48, 50, 54,74,81,88,96,97, 104, 129

I tampons 8, 46 Tang 89, 108 Tara 13, 127 telekinesis 15 telepathy 22, 57 Thelma and Louise 35, 134, Tom Cruise 51 Tori (Victoria) 57, 121 training-bras 55 transsexuals 101 trust funds 21, 132

U ugly needs 103 United Nations 46 Upper Canada College 33

V vandalism 105 Vanessa 70 violence 15, 16,22,34,39,52, 62, 70, 123, 125

virgins 36,89, 129, 134, 136 Vogue magazine 24

W Wally Cleaver 76 weight 11, 104 whatever 11 window licking 13, 32

y

yearbooks 78

FOR ALL YOUR LOVE, ENCOURAGEMENT & SUPPORT,THANK YOU: my parents boen-min t and Judy t, and my brother sean t. You have been my beloved security blanket and best case scenario. • My heartfelt gratitude for having the chutzpah to bring this twisted vision to fruition: mike o'c, richard a, and jan b at insomniac p. You are the ones we've been waiting for. »To my co-conspirators and fellow "beautiful liars"; rYAN k, margaux wullumson, angela d, becky b, mark b, "old boy irregular" and magnanimous patron to the unconscious arts james fitz, amy b, gillian w, sheridan s, jenny I, jim m, julia c, paul q, melissa k, sarah r-s, thanks to paul v for your early encouragement, editing, support and exquisite IV league emceeing, alisha b, grace I and bubble tea, caleb c, kristen p, sam I, jason k, jeff t, george b, karen h, shelley m, sarah k, yvette p & ITP, ana r & tony s, Joshua I, pam w, ian r, tracie g, jim c, phil b, craig s, pat I, kim m in k-town, nath g-m, adrienne w, anne-marie p, erin o'h, marc p, dera n, emily p-w, selena I, yechel g, peter ©blizzarts, carolyn s, ciara p, emily u, dana h, thoth h, terry d, sylvat a, katherine f, matt f, lynn c, michael h, Jessica m, John b, matthew v e, andy w, gina h, ron c, krista s, natasha b, maureen k, patrick v, alexis o'h, ian s, sarah r, allan b, Jennifer Ig, shelagh r-l, julie v for your kind comments at the MEG show, gene s @ HVW8, annika g, david o'c, lani m & Stephen h. I owe you all everything. • To lindsay a, lesley a, and kait a & the rest of the A clan. You folks have been amazing. You still astound me. • To mary h and stu, chris h and cindy c, and the rest of the expanding Hunter family. Thank you for your unflagging support when all this was a tiny insane seed. Thank you for taking home Jesus, His Vogue model angels, one of the graduating classes, and the blurry Old Boys. I know they have good homes. • To John & lorraine, & sarah & caitlin d. Your lives are a light. Thank you for conversation, dinners, feedback and support during my misspent youth. • To Mrs. Talwar. For support, friendship and tea. • To the girls at Navarino's, and peter & steve, thank you for the daily touchstones of coffee, conversation, and care. • Thanks to the McGill D crew, who took this hungry wolf back in the fold, and who kept me in stitches, bandwidth, videogames, and a hangout in the months leading to hibernation. • To dj and the red h. • To the lovely groundfloor by-the-bootstrappers at SUM magazine • To dan s and becky s, who showed me how lovely Christmas in Connecticut could be, and how warm and lovely november could be. • To lindsay, my klepto-anarcho branksome 'mole'. Thank you for the yearbook, the tie and the pin. First, we take Toronto, then we take Berlin. • To my sometimes patron and irascible Old Boy, herb b. You know what? You're a dirty old man. But it takes one to know one, I guess. • Thanks to keith orkusz for letting me use his hauntingly luminous digital painting for my cover. • Thanks again to rYAN kAMSTRA for his punchy press releases & kick-ass back cover blurbs. • To the far-sighted insouciance of sWELL magazine. • To my long-lost penpal nadine v z, thank you for your honesty and inability to choose from an excessive selection of boots. • To donald b k, who urges me to life & health & happiness. • To julie c, for that much needed lift that day. Thank you. • To Justin w: ain't life interesting? • To my cool cats and fellow felines who still sniff the 'nip: sully, joe, jing-xi, newborn "little one" margaux and missing-in-kingston mosa, and all the other unknown alley elements who paw at my window. • To those kind folks who forgave my early bungled strip. Thank you for not burying me. • Also thanks to those who helped in this strip's creation, but who would now disavow any knowledge of my actions. In case I am caught or killed, I wish you nothing but peace and prosperity for the rest of your days. • To my alma mater, queen's u, where I discovered for the first time that private schools existed, and where all of this began. • To all the more immediate angels, aswell as the undercover ones: my sincerest lifelong gratitude. • And to isabelle m, my snuggly love, for gentle times: thank you.

Sherwin Tjia is a Toronto-based painter, poet and journalist. He is pursuing a masters in fine art at Concordia University. His poetry and prose can be found in Adbusters, dig, Quarry,Queen Street Quarterly, and Ultraviolet. His poetry appears in The IV. Lounge Reader (Insomniac, 2001) and his first collection of poetry, Gentle Fictions, will be released in fall 2001.