On the Run

ON THE RUN MELANIE ANDERSON

ON THE RUN Published by Linden Bay Romance, 2006 Linden Bay Romance, LLC, U.S. ISBN Trade paperback ISBN # 1-905393-72-5 ISBN MS Reader (LIT) ISBN # 1-905393-73-3 Other available formats (no ISBNs are assigned): PDF, PRC & HTML Copyright © MELANIE ANDERSON, 2006 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED The work is protected by copyright and should not be copied without permission. Linden Bay Romance, LLC reserves all rights. Re-use or re-distribution of any and all materials is prohibited under law. This is a work of fiction and any resemblance to persons, living or dead, or business establishments, events or locales is coincidental. Edited by Stephanie Wardwell-Gaw Cover art by S.L. Carpenter

Melanie Anderson

Chapter 1 Sheryl was a big-breasted woman with a small brain. At least that’s how Pamela Foster felt watching her using the copier. Every move she made was painstaking and precise, as if copying was brain surgery. Pam was running out of patience and the voice inside her head was starting to scream. The copier continued to hum as Sheryl watched it with her wooden stare. Blonde-haired, five-five with the famous breasts, Pam had to admit, albeit reluctantly, that Sheryl looked good. If Pam didn’t know better, she would think that Sheryl was posing. Pam resisted the urge to look around to make sure Hugh Hefner wasn’t in the office snapping pictures for the “Blonde Administrative Assistant Issue.” And if that was true, Pam thought, she would really needed to rethink her own outfit. After another couple of minutes of watching the blonde wonder at work, Pam felt the ends of her hair splitting in frustration. She knew she looked terrible and she was pretty sure her deodorant had stopped working hours ago. Not that she could blame it. Nobody wanted to work here. “Excuse me, are you almost done?” Pam asked, gritting her teeth and really trying to be nice. Even if it killed her. “Hmm…uh…no, in a minute. You know this copier is really slow…” Yeah, if a blonde bimbo is working it, it is, Pam thought. Even as she thought them, Pam’s evil thoughts made her feel small. They seemed way beyond her usual smartass self. Finally finished copying, Sheryl turned around and gave Pam the centerfold smile, “It’s all yours!” she said in her chipper voice. “Thanks,” Pam muttered, feeling even guiltier for being such a bitch, even if it was only in her mind.

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On the Run Sheryl sashayed off, leaving Pam alone Putting her document in the tray, Pam prayed that nothing would get stuck. She also prayed that Playboy really wasn’t in the building putting secret cameras in the copiers. The way this day was going she just might be willing to sell her body—practically non-existent boobs and all. Anything had to be better than this. Pam wasn’t sure where all these negative thoughts were coming from. It wasn’t that time of the month and she definitely wasn’t pregnant. One had to actually have sex to be pregnant. She had to admit that despite the fact she had an eight-year-old son, she was just lonely. Lonely for a man. And on top of being manless, she had the job from hell. She was an administrative assistant at a company that did something obscure that didn’t really matter. She knew she should be grateful for the job, but it was just too boring. Here she was, the ex-wife of famous racecar driver Gary Foster, standing at a copier, working for next to nothing at a dead-end job. Sometimes she wished she could have been more selfish and asked for alimony from her ex-husband. But since it was her fault they’d gotten divorced, her conscience hadn’t allowed her to do that. It was enough that he paid child support and gave her the house. It had to be enough. The copier stopped with no damage done and Pam grabbed her papers and walked back to her desk. Her message light was flashing and she resisted the urge to grab her stapler and smash the phone into a million pieces. Sitting down, she looked into her mirror on her cubicle wall and let out a muffled shriek. It was worse than she’d thought—a lot worse. Her mascara wasn’t just running, it had packed up its bags and moved in under stressed-out hazel eyes. Her dark

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Melanie Anderson mahogany hair wasn’t just splitting; it was standing up on end. With regret, she remembered what it was like when she had been touring with Gary. The designer clothes, the fancy haircuts every two weeks, and—she sniffed under her arms—the reliable deodorant. Sighing, she turned away from the mirror, and reached for her phone. The first voicemail was from Jessica—the dreaded boss. “Hi Pam, it’s Jessica! I was just calling to see if you have those copies done and if so, could you please bring them to my office? And see if you can find me some of those medium size Post-it pads for me. Not the big ones or the little tiny ones, but the middle size ones. Not the rectangles but the squares. Okay? Thanks a lot, Pam! See you soon.” Ugh. Okay, Pam thought, how hard could it possibly be to pick up some Post-its? And why did she have to give such explicit instructions about it? Pam was beginning to think that somebody had dropped her off into a really bad episode of the Twilight Zone, where the brain-dead ruled the earth. She shivered in terror. It was shaping up to be a really bad day. ~ Driving home through rush hour that evening, Pam reflected on her crappy day. Nothing had gone right, and this horrific traffic jam was just the icing on the cake. She picked up her cell phone and called home. “Hullo.” Her son Nathan answered the phone, sounding leery. Pam was never sure who he was expecting to call, the boogieman or what, but he always sounded cautious. “Hey baby, it’s Mom. What are you doing?” “Oh. Mom, I’m just sitting here with Susan, we were about to go over my homework. Are you going to be home

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On the Run soon?” Susan was his babysitter-sixteen years old, cute, and starting to date. Pam suspected that she would have to lay down the law, and soon, about bringing boys over to the house. “Yeah, I’m stuck in traffic, but I’ll be there soon, okay?” Pam resisted the urge to laugh hysterically as she watched all the cars in front of her go from zero to five mph and then brake again. “Okay, Mom.” “I love you, baby.” “I love you too, Mom. Bye.” Click. Pam looked at her phone and rolled her eyes. She wasn’t sure why people worried so much about being working moms. Her son had never been clingy, at least not to her, and seemed to enjoy the time spent apart. But maybe she was just the lucky one. When she finally turned into her driveway, Pam noticed that her old house was looking spookier than ever. The autumn light was giving way to dusk, and shadows were turning the gray stone black. She loved her house, she truly did, but she just knew there had to be some ghosts somewhere. She hadn’t seen them yet, but one day she was sure she would. Ironically the spooky house never bothered Nathan. You’d think an eight year old would spook easier than a grown woman! Go figure. Driving down the long, narrow, graveled road, she noticed that most of the lights were on in the house. No matter how much she explained to her son the facts about electricity and money, he never got it. If she said anything about financial responsibility to him, he just said, “We could just ask Dad for the money.” In his mind it was just that simple, but Pam knew that anything involving her ex was never simple. Sighing, Pam turned off her car and started for the door. Brushing past the overgrown bushes, she took out

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Melanie Anderson her key and sighed again, steeling herself to face the dreaded nighttime routine of cooking and cleaning. “Mom! Mom!” Nathan ran down the hardwood floors and slid to a halt in front of her. Pam felt that familiar surge of mother-love push all the day’s negative thoughts out of her mind and held out her arms. It was so nice to be needed. Hugging him close, she asked, “Hi, honey, how was school?” “Good. How was work?” “The same, the same.” Pam didn’t feel the need to go into details; she felt that somehow the mind of an eightyear-old would not grasp the complexity of working with a ‘Blonde Bimbo’. Pam walked forward with Nathan hanging on her like a monkey. “Where is Susan?” Rolling his eyes Nathan answered, “On the phone.” Pam sighed, knowing that her fears were already being realized. She didn’t mind Susan using the phone, after all—she wasn’t calling Japan or anything—she was just afraid that Susan would start neglecting her son soon. Up to this point, Susan had been every working mom’s dream. She loved Nathan and always helped him with his homework, played his video games and talked to him. Walking though the living room and into the kitchen, she saw Susan sitting on a chair talking on the phone. As soon as she looked up, she saw Pam. “I gotta go.” Pam didn’t say anything, just continued walking. “Mom, guess what, guess what?” Nathan was practically jumping up and down with excitement. “What?” “A.J. farted today in class and it sounded like a duck and everybody laughed.” Nathan started laughing like a hyena, holding his stomach. Pam tried not to laugh, but it escaped anyway. Her son was big into fart jokes and all other bodily functions and no matter how much she lectured him, he wouldn’t stop.

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On the Run She blamed his father, who had always been generous about sharing his body noises, too. “That’s nice Nathan, but what have I told you about talking about farts? It’s rude,” Pam half-heartedly told him. It was tough being a mother and having to curb the enthusiasm of youth. She noticed Susan in the doorway smiling, too. “Ms. Foster, I told him you might not appreciate the fart story, but you know…” She shrugged with resignation. “Boys.” Pam laughed because she totally agreed. What could you do with little boys? ~ Later, after they got back from driving Susan home, she tried to decide what to make for dinner. Tapping her fingers on the door of the freezer, she looked at her limited selection. Giving up on the idea of a three-course meal filled with highly nutritious foods, she pulled out a frozen pizza. Oh well, she thought, Nathan will like it. She took out a can of corn to make as a vegetable so she wouldn’t have to worry about losing her Mother of the Year Award. After watching a little SpongeBob SquarePants, she turned to Nate. “Time for your bath, little man.” “Aww, Mom, come on. Already?” Nathan looked at Pam pleadingly with his father’s gray puppy dog eyes. “Nate, you know the drill. Nine o’clock is your bedtime, now move it!” She pointed upstairs. He stuck out his bottom lip. “That sucks.” Resigned, he squared his shoulders, then walked slowly out of the room. She could hear him stomping down the hall and up the stairs. She yelled up, “Yes, I know it sucks, but that’s my job, to make your life suck.” Then muttered to herself, “Why should your life be any different?” She was walking over to follow him up the stairs, when he stopped and turned around. “We’re still going to see Dad’s race this weekend right?”

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Melanie Anderson Damn. Pam stopped. With that one question, her carefully constructed mental block came tumbling down. The real reason she had been grumpy all day. She was going to see her ex-husband this weekend. ~ After making sure Nate took his bath, brushed his teeth and all the other fun little bedtime chores, Pam walked downstairs. She felt weary. Tired right down to the bone. She put on a pot of coffee and sank down into a chair at the kitchen table. She felt older than her thirty years. Taking care of her son, almost entirely by herself, was exhausting. Was it worth it? God, yes. But even that knowledge didn’t make it any easier. Pam had always been an impulsive person. Routine drove her crazy. Her impetuosity was how she’d met her ex-husband in the first place. It was during her “heavy metal-head banger” days. Tight jeans with concert T-shirts and teased up hair were in. Heavy metal was the wave and Pam was along for the ride. Pam and her two friends, Brenda and Lizzie were the wild girls, close to being groupies. They never stayed long with one band. They were loyal only to each other. These were the years after high school, which they had barely skimmed though. Their only ambitions were to follow the next band to the next club. Pam remembered her friends, Lizzie with her kinkedup blonde hair and the big bangs, and Brenda with her long Elvira black hair that went straight down to her butt. Each with their own unique personality, which, she reflected, had never changed. Back then they had lived in a dive in Alexandria—not the good part of the city, either. Their low paying jobs barely paid the rent. Jobs that were easy to find and just as easy to quit. Waitresses, shop clerk, and for one brief,

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On the Run horrible week, a mouse at a local kid’s restaurant. She could still feel the humiliation. Thinking back on it now, she was surprised that they’d survived those years. Not that they had ever done anything truly dangerous. They’d had a pact about no heavy drinking and no drugs. The most important part of the pact was the no casual sex rule—especially unprotected sex with rock stars. They watched out for each other. Most of the bands they’d hung out with hadn’t lasted long, but she still remembered them fondly. She even had some of their paraphernalia somewhere—t-shirts, tapes, and flyers. Those were her trophies of the good old days. Somewhere in the midst of all this partying, deafening music and chaos, she had met Gary. Lizzie’s boyfriend at the time was the lead singer of an infamous local band called Head Hunters, or something equally ridiculous. The band had never gotten far in the world, mainly because of their enormous egos and, well, because they’d sucked. Nevertheless they’d had a van. At the time, that had been a priority, Pam thought ruefully. The three of them had been going to Raleigh, North Carolina to a big outdoor festival. It was going to be a head bangers’ holiday and they’d told each other that they couldn’t wait. But, Pam remembered that by then she’d been getting tired of their bohemian lifestyle. She suspected her friends had, too. Heavy metal was dying and being replaced by the Seattle grunge scene. But they were in denial—not willing to face reality just yet. A sharp noise interrupted Pam’s reverie and she realized that she had been staring into space for fifteen minutes. “Gordon,” she whispered, “are you trying to scare me?” The noise was the family cat Gordon jumping onto the table and knocking over the saltshaker.

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Melanie Anderson Pam stood up and poured herself a cup of coffee. She added a generous amount of milk and a couple of packets of artificial sweetener, then took the first sip. “Ahhh,” she moaned. To her, having a cup of coffee was better than sinking into a warm bath. She just really enjoyed the rush. The time had finally come to relax, enjoy her coffee and not worry about this weekend. If that was possible.

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On the Run

Chapter 2 Gary Foster stood in the garage watching his team of mechanics at work. He’d been in meetings all day—promotional meetings and meetings regarding the upcoming race. Now he just wanted to zone out. Sitting down, he thought about how much he missed the old days. Then it had been all about the race. He could remember what it was like to just get in his car and drive—that was the true rush. Now, with sponsors, fan events and traveling, he rarely got a moment to himself. Very few things in life were simple. All he had ever wanted in life was a good wife, a few kids and to race. In that order. He’d ended up with so much less—an ex-wife who didn’t want him, a son he loved but never saw, and a racing career that was successful but which didn’t completely satisfy. What the hell could he do about it? When it came to Pam, he had fought the good fight, but in the end, he had come out the loser. “What’s up, Gary?” He looked up to see his crew chief, Shawn Lawson, standing next to him. Shawn was one scary physical specimen. He topped out at six foot two and his hair was pulled back into a ponytail with a piece of scrap wire. His face was filled with pockmarks like the moon’s surface, and struck fear in the hearts of the entire racing circuit. But Gary knew that under the grizzly exterior was a heart of gold and a helluva crew chief. Gary might be the driver, but Shawn was the captain. “Hey, Shawn. I was just thinking.” “That’s dangerous. What about?” Shawn turned over a drum container and sat down. “Pam and Nathan are coming to the race this weekend.” Shawn thought about that for a moment. “Hmm… So what’s wrong, man? Isn’t that a good thing?”

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Melanie Anderson Gary nodded his head. “Yeah, it’s a good thing. You know I love seeing Nathan. I don’t get to see him enough as it is. It’s just Pam.” He stopped for a moment, rubbing his hand over his face. “It’s been a long time.” Gary and Shawn sat in silence for a moment. A clanging noise came from the shop, and they could hear the sound of cussing and grunts from the mechanics wrestling with the cars. Gary was sorry that Pam hadn’t been to any races since the divorce. She had loved racing, and not just because he was involved. She’d gone to all the races and had become something of an expert on the rules and regulations. He’d never seen her happier than when she was at the racetrack. That’s why their marriage had been ideal. They’d both loved being at the track. It wasn’t as if he’d expected her to be his biggest fan. Her divorcing him made it obvious that she didn’t even like him all that much. It was just too bad that she had stopped going altogether. Shawn interrupted his thoughts. “Yeah, it’s been awhile since I’ve seen her. Boy, was she a terror on pit row.” Gary laughed. “Yeah, she really was.” “Do you remember that time Mark ran you off the track and she was personally going to kick his ass for you? It took five guys to hold her back.” Shawn shook his head, chuckling at the memory. “Oh, yeah. I remember that day.” Nathan had been a baby at that time and was staying with Gary’s in-laws. Gary had been driving his car back to the garage, defeated, beaten, and more than a little pissed off. The first thing he’d seen was Pam running up to the car. Whatever harsh feelings he’d had about the accident were nothing compared to hers. As he’d pulled up to the garage, Pam’s face had appeared through the net on his window, her eyes flashing, “Gary, Mark is a dick. I was

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On the Run going to kick his ass for you, but those boys…” she rolled her eyes back to the “boys,” who collectively had the size and height of a pro football team, “…wouldn’t let me.” Gary’s own anger had instantly disappeared at her obvious outrage. Her hair had been sticking straight out and her hazel eyes nearly black, her pupils had been so wide. She’d looked like a small bull waiting to charge, and it had helped soothe his emotions. After taking off all the safety gear, he had jumped out of the car and hugged her tightly. Dragging his mind back to the present, he looked over to Shawn and shrugged. “We’d better roll if we’re going to get anything done today.” ~ Yeah, baby, give me speed, Gary thought, as he sped down the straightaway. This was where he belonged, in the driver’s seat, in control of his own direction. Shifting gears, he accelerated into the turn. He was on fire today, and his lap speeds had never been better. He wished that he could say he was doing it all for his sponsors, the owner, or even for Shawn and the pit crew, but he knew part of it was about Pam. His ego wanted to show her what she had so carelessly let go. His bitterness was not healthy. He would need all his wits about him in the race this Sunday so that he was well physically and mentally. He wouldn’t admit to himself that they were empty victories because she wasn’t there. Coming to the end of the lap, he pulled up to the pit and yelled, “How was my time?” Shawn checked his watch, “Great, it was 126.20. Awesome for Richmond!” Gary just hoped he could keep it up for qualifying and the race. ~ Later on that night, Shawn and Gary went over to a local country bar, aptly called, “T.J.’s Country Bar & Grill.” Gary wore an old pair of jeans, a plaid shirt, and a Redskins cap pulled over his head. Wearily, he took in the crowd at the bar. Thankfully, on a Wednesday night, the

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Melanie Anderson crowd of regulars wouldn’t be paying them much attention. “This is my kind of crowd,” he told Shawn under his breath. “Yeah, no racing groupies. I don’t think these people even care.” “That’s fine with me.” Gary drew out, walking towards the bar. They sat down at the bar, which was clean except for some half-filled bottles of beer that probably belonged to the group playing darts. Shells littered the floor from the bowls of peanuts scattered throughout the room, while on the television over the bar a sports show was droning on about the Redskins and their new coach. Gary had high hopes for the Redskins this year, but he did every year. It didn’t seem to help. The bartender had his back toward the bar watching the television. He looked like any bartender in any city, except for the earring in his left ear. It was a hoop that made him look like a pirate. The bartender finally looked over and grunted at them, “What’ll be?” Gary ordered two drafts and then they turned and scanned the room for women, like most single straight guys did. Being in bars always reminded Gary of Pam. Of course, back then, it had usually been awful hole-in-the wall dives, where the music was so loud that you had to worry about permanent hearing loss. But he’d never minded, because he always loved watching her shake her butt in those tight jeans. Usually a country music fan, he had tolerated the crashing sounds of guitars and undistinguishable lyrics for Pam’s sake. Truthfully, in the beginning, he might have been doing it just to get laid. But after that, it had been all about the love. He shook off his maudlin thoughts of Pam and forced himself to concentrate on the present

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On the Run Shawn nudged him, motioning with his beer bottle. Gary noticed a woman who was obviously on the prowl. Nearly totally inebriated, she was swaying to Lonestar and looking his way. Gary groaned inwardly. This was not what he was looking for tonight. Maybe another time, another place, but right now his thoughts were so full of Pam that he couldn’t think about anyone else. He’d never been one for one-night stands anyway, and that was all it could ever be. Sometimes they seemed an unavoidable part of his life, what with him always being on the road, but his son was coming this weekend, and it didn’t seem right. While he had been thinking, the woman had moved closer and was now standing in front of them. “Hey there,” she said in a come-hither voice. Upon closer inspection, the woman wasn’t as intoxicated as she’d seemed from across the room. Her eyes were only a little glossy and her words slightly slurred. “Hey,” Gary said cautiously. “Aren’t you Gary Foster?” This was bad. It was always worse when his fans hit on him. He feared seeing his name in some tabloid article. “That’s me,” he said, shifting uncomfortably. “You’re a good driver, but I’m more of a Lyle Lewis fan.” Gary decided not to feel insulted. After all, Lyle was everyone’s favorite since his father had passed away. All the fans missed the old man’s presence. “That’s okay, darling,” he drawled, “Most people are.” She smiled at him and her face was totally transformed. She had a beautiful smile and Gary did a mental double take. It was a damn shame he wasn’t in the mood. She had an interesting face and maybe an interesting mind as well. “Well,” she said, “My name is Anna and it was really nice seeing you. Good luck in the race this weekend.” She turned around and threw back one last sexy look before

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Melanie Anderson walking away. Gary took the time to admire the view from the back and cursed Pam once again for haunting him and ruining what might have been a relationship with potential. “Man, you’re crazy,” “I don’t know what you mean.” “She looked interested, dude.” Shawn said, shaking his head in disgust. He picked up his beer and pointed in her direction. “What were are you thinking?” “Man, she’s a Lyle fan.” Gary said, picking up his beer. “She’s not interested in me.” Shawn gave Gary a look, “I didn’t tell you to ask her to be the president of your fan club. I was thinking maybe you could buy her a drink, you know, maybe ask her on a date. You know what that means right?” “Whatever, man,” Gary said. “I’m just not interested.” “Okay.” They stood for a while, watching people and drinking. “Is it Pam?” Shawn asked quietly. Gary’s face was expressionless when he said, “Drop it.” Shawn just nodded. Gary knew he wasn’t fooling Shawn. Hell, he wasn’t fooling himself. Even after five years, it was still all about Pam. ~ Later that night Gary lay in his bed, alone as usual. They’d drunk a couple more beers and played a couple games of pool. They had mingled with the locals, a few of whom had finally recognized them, and been offered plenty of unsolicited racing advice. These people were used to seeing drivers in their bar and were not shy. Gary had given some autographs and posed for a picture to be hung over the bar. He thought about his infamous hellraising days, when his picture would have hung in bars for less savory reasons. That had been another time, another place. Back in his early twenties, in the beginning of his racing career, he had believed the only way a racecar

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On the Run driver lived was hard. Hard driving, hard women and hard drinking. He’d been in many fights, both on and off the track. That was how he’d met Pam. As usual, Gary and a group of friends had been partying all night long. At some point they’d ended up at some dive where bands, big on hair and small on talent, screamed at the top of their lungs. His friend Rob had gotten in a fight with a metal head and somehow the guy had slipped away. Rob had been pissed. The guy had hit on his girlfriend and he was out for blood. Never mind the fact that the girlfriend had been around the block with everyone and anyone, and had even offered Gary a ride. None of this mattered to Rob; he just wanted this guy bad. Gary had been drunk enough to agree to help him but sober enough to hope that he could keep Rob out of jail. According to Rob this guy had gone to some “headbangers orgy” out in the woods near Raleigh. Still running on a power trip of alcoholic rage, they had all piled into Rob’s truck and made the half-hour drive down there. Once they had gotten there, the party had already started to break up. While Rob was looking for the metal head, Gary had walked around, too. Most of the people were harmless. Just high on life and other ‘stuff’. A few girls had solicited him and a few guys, too. It had been an interesting crowd. It was like Woodstock-lite. Walking over to the kegs, he had literally tripped over Pam. She had been drinking, heavily, and had fallen on the ground. She was singing Poison’s “Nothing but a Good Time” to the sky and sounded really bad. A cross between a dying cat and finger nails scratching down a chalkboard. Helping her to her feet, he’d said, “You’re no singer, did you know that?” She had laughed merrily. “I know.” He snorted. “Then what were you doing?” She spun in a circle, doing a drunken pirouette. “Having fu..uh…un,” she slurred out.

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Melanie Anderson Gary had been worried that she was going to puke all over the place, spinning like that. “Hey, why don’t you sit down?” He motioned toward a log next to a dying campfire, and led her over to it. She’d sat down with her head between her legs. They had sat in silence for a couple of minutes and then the nausea must have gone away. She’d lifted her head and looked at him. They had both stared at each other in silence for a while, and he’d found himself surprised by how pretty she really was. Despite the crazy spiked up hairstyle, her hair was actually the color of dark chocolate. The color of her eyes a surprising hazel that looked almost blue in the light from the fire. She had a pretty little mouth; her lips full, but not too big. At that moment it had been smirking at him. He lifted an eyebrow. “What?” She smiled, lifted her arms over her head and yelled, “You’re hot!” He looked around to make sure none of his friends were around and said slowly, “Okay.” She looked back at him. “Are you in a band?” He laughed and shook his head. “Hell, no.” “Yeah, I didn’t think so; your hair is too short.” She looked disappointed. He found himself growing defensive. “Hey, I’m a race car driver; we don’t wear our hair long.” “Really? A racecar driver, huh? Interesting.” It sounded like she thought it was anything but. He pulled her face closer to his. “Girl, you don’t know what kind of moves a race car driver has. I could rock your world.” She smiled a cocky smile at him, inches from his face. “Oh, I bet.” Gary was getting upset. This girl, this head-banger girl, was mocking him and he didn’t like it. He wasn’t sure why it bothered him, since she was the drunk one and he was above all this heavy metal bullshit to begin with. He didn’t go out with party girls.

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On the Run It shouldn’t even matter. But for some reason it did. It mattered a great deal. His anger had overcome his common sense, and he had covered her mouth with his. It was electric. The kiss shot straight from his lips to his groin. Common sense was gone in an instant. She tasted like beer and paradise. When he pulled back, she wasn’t smirking anymore. In fact she looked angry. “Why did you do that?” “Didn’t you like it?” She looked away. “Yes, but you really aren’t my type, you know?” “Make me your type.” She sighed. “What’s your name?” He took her hand. “My name is Gary, and I’m going to be your man.” She huffed out a laugh. “I’m Pam and you’re a little too conceited for my taste. In fact, I don’t think I like you at all.” Rob may not have found his man that night, but Gary had found someone all right. He had persuaded Pam to give him her number and he had called her repeatedly until she finally agreed to go out with him. He had never regretted it. ~ Ten years later, he wondered what Pam was doing now. He still missed all the routines of married life. He missed putting Nathan to bed. He missed watching Pam get dressed for bed. He missed undressing her once she got into bed. Damn, he thought. He was getting a hard-on just thinking about her. This weekend was going to be hell seeing her again and not being able to have her. Damn it! He needed his sleep this weekend and these obsessive thoughts were not helping him at all. Eventually, tired of fighting off his demons, he finally fell asleep.

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Melanie Anderson

Chapter 3 “I hate my job,” Pam grumbled to her co-worker and friend, Bethany. They were sitting in the office lunchroom eating. Pam was eating some obscure looking food that someone had frozen into little squares and shoved into a box labeled, ‘low fat’. Bethany, on the other hand, brought her lunch from home. It was homemade spaghetti and it smelled delicious, much more appealing than Pam’s food. “Stop bitching,” Bethany said calmly. “You’re such a drama queen.” Pam sighed; she knew it was true. Bethany and Pam were great friends despite being total opposites. Bethany wore suits to work and was very well organized. She got along well with her bosses and they loved her. She was the ideal administrative assistant. In comparison, Pam was a smart-ass whose hair always stuck straight out or straight up, always had a stain on some part of her pants suits, and could never seem to find a pen in the mess on her desk. “What’s wrong now?” Bethany asked. Pam’s mood had only gone from bad to worse as the week progressed. She was really dreading this weekend and was taking it out on everybody. Poor Nathan even had to watch his step around her. “I don’t know,” Pam said, pushing her food around. “The big weekend’s coming up, right? The dreaded ‘ex’.” Bethany looked at Pam with sympathy in her voice and eyes. Since Pam’s ex in-laws had called saying they had plans and wouldn’t be able to pick Nathan up in time for the race and would she mind meeting them there, Bethany knew how much Pam was dreading this weekend. “Yes.”

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On the Run Bethany looked around to make sure she wouldn’t be overheard, then lowered her voice. “Are you ever going to tell me why you guys got divorced in the first place?” Pam couldn’t. If she couldn’t tell Gary, she couldn’t tell Bethany. The only person who did know was her friend Lizzie, and that was only because she had been there through the divorce. “Gary doesn’t even know the real reason.” “Really?” Her voice reflected her disbelief. “I don’t understand. Why?” “If he had known, it would have made it hard to get a divorce.” “I don’t get it. That’s not right. He should know, of all people. From what you’ve told me, he was the perfect husband. Other than the traveling, of course, but you were aware of that going in.” “Look, I believe it was the right decision not telling him. It’s better this way.” It drove Pam crazy knowing Gary probably hated her, but hate was better than disappointment. She could never be the person he thought she was. “Well, if that’s true, and you’re happy with your decision, then why aren’t you dating?” Good question, Pam admitted to herself. She had dated since the divorce but not in a long time. She wasn’t sure why and really had no excuse. “I just haven’t found anybody,” she told Bethany, knowing it was a cop out. “Girl, you know that’s not true. Blake in Accounting is interested in you and he’s hot.” “Bethany!” She looked quickly around to make sure no one had heard her. “Well, he is.” Bethany wiped her hands off on her napkin. “You’re just in denial.” “I am not in denial.”

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Melanie Anderson Bethany looked skeptical, but obviously decided to let that one go. Finally she put down her napkin and looked up at Pam. “You’re still in love with him, you know.” Pam didn’t have to ask who she was referring to. She looked Bethany in the eyes and sighed. “Yes, I know.” ~ After lunch Pam sat at her desk typing. Despite her complaints, she really didn’t mind working. She was good at what she did, which was input information into a database. It was complicated and intricate and kept her challenged. That was why she put up with all the bull that working in an office environment guaranteed. In the middle of typing, someone’s head popped over her cubicle. Speaking of bull… It was Blake, and for a moment Pam thought Bethany might have said something to him, but he just said, “Hey, Pam, what’s up?” “Hi, Blake.” She tried not to sound too encouraging. He was hot. Sometimes she had even allowed herself hot sweaty daydreams of what it would be like to sleep with him. She had only considered a one-night stand, which just doesn’t work in an office environment. It would be creepy to see him the next day knowing he knew what she looked like naked and the strange noises she made when she was having an orgasm. She shivered inside. “What’s going on? Working hard or hardly working?” He chuckled to himself. She chuckled as well. This is why I don’t sleep with him. How corny can you be? “Oh, I’m pretty busy, how about you?” He gave her a smug look. “You know that the work in Accounting never stops. Everybody’s got to get paid.” Pam smiled, just hoping he would go away. He might be hot, but he was boring as hell, and she wished Bethany were here so she could understand why she was not going to date this guy.

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On the Run He touched his hair, which had that mysterious gel all businessmen seemed to use to make their hair look and feel like straw. “How about a drink after work?” Here we go, she thought. “Blake, I would love to, but I have to get home to my son.” “Oh, I understand,” he said, obviously not understanding at all. “That’s cool, maybe another time?” “Sure.” She tried to sound flattered. “I’d love to.” Now he looked happy, just flatter his ego and he got over being rejected. “I’ll let you know ahead of time and then you can do something with your son.” Oh, what a jerk, she thought. Do something with my son? What? Put him in a closet. How could Bethany even think I’d be interested in him? To Blake she said, “Oh sure, whatever.” “See ya later, doll.” While he walked away, Pam barely checked the urge to give him the finger. She wished she could meet some guy that would really tempt her. She wanted someone wonderful who would understand all her quirks and wouldn’t try to flatter her or change her. Like Gary. He always used to tease her about her hair and laugh at all her strange thoughts. Whoa, she thought, stop right now. You gave him up, he is not yours anymore. Shit, she thought. I wish this weekend was already over with. ~ About thirty minutes later the phone rang, interrupting Pam from her work. It pissed her off since she had finally gotten in a groove where she wasn’t thinking about anything. “Datascope, this is Pam.” “Hey,” a depressed voice said. Lizzie, Pam thought. “What’s wrong?” Pam asked. There always seemed to be something wrong with Lizzie, her life a soap opera. “I broke up with Andrew again.”

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Melanie Anderson “Oh no.” Pam struggled to be sympathetic, but she wasn’t really surprised. Andrew and Lizzie had been living together on again, off again for many years. “Would you mind if I stayed at your house for a little while?” Pam wanted to groan. This was the problem with Lizzie’s breakups—she always ended up at her house. None of her other friends ever did this. “Well, Lizzie, you know we would love to have you. Nathan really misses you, but you know we have this race this weekend…”’ “Really?” Lizzie sounded surprised. “You’re going to see Gary?” “Yes, I am,” Pam said, “Unfortunately…” “Well, then, you could use me as emotional support. I could go to the race with you.” Pam didn’t know what to say. Lizzie had been good to her over the years, especially after the divorce. She had helped with Nathan and helped Pam deal with her depression. Without Lizzie, she would not have gotten through it all. Even though she wasn’t sure how Lizzie was going to help her this time, since she was dealing with her own breakup with Andrew, she agreed anyway. “Sure, Lizzie, we’d love to have you. Do you still have a key?” Lizzie sounded relieved. “Of course I do. How about I go to the house, make some dinner and take care of Nathan for you? That way you don’t even have to pay the babysitter.” That did sound good. No worries after work would be nice for a change. But… “You can’t do all that for me. You’re the one going though a breakup. I should be taking care of you.” “Don’t think anything of it. It would help me keep my mind off of that jerk.” “Lizzie, you’re such a sweetheart. What would I do without you?”

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On the Run Lizzie, in typical fashion, said, “I don’t know.” ~ Pam felt relaxed driving home that night. It was a pleasant change to go home and have someone waiting for her, especially someone who knew how to cook. The whole idea of going home and worrying about dinner drove her crazy every night. It made her want to run down the road screaming. Of course, when Gary was around it had been different. When Nathan was an infant, they had been on the road most of the time. Pam’s whole life then had revolved around racing, and she had loved it at the time. Then later she had realized she wanted a home base where Nathan could go to school and have a place to call home when he got old enough. Gary had bought the house in Eagles Landing, Virginia back in the days when he didn’t know what to do with his money. When Pam saw it for the first time, she had fallen in love with it. Virginia was ideal to her because it was close to her family and her friends. Of course, Gary had thought they should find a house in North Carolina where they could be closer to the racing world and he could be at home more often. That had made sense, too. But in the end Pam had won, and lost. After she settled into her dream house, she had hardly ever seen Gary, February though November. Turning into her driveway, she shook off the thoughts of Gary. That’s when she saw Nathan riding his bike in the yard, but he wasn’t just riding it in a straight line; he had set up obstacles to jump over. Lizzie was standing in the yard watching as he did death-defying stunts all over the yard. She was clapping and laughing. Pam was not amused at all. In fact she was the exact opposite. She was petrified. Nathan was a natural born daredevil. So much like his father, it was scary. He loved to go fast and push the

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Melanie Anderson envelope despite Pam’s warnings. And he wanted to race. Just like his father. Pam was not thrilled at all by this. After what she went through married to Gary… Well, she didn’t want to think about it. Nate was her heart. Pam parked her car and walked across the yard towards them. She knew that Nathan didn’t know she was home yet because this was what he usually did when she wasn’t around. At the moment he was doing a jump on his BMX over a ramp about two feet off the ground. Pam tried not to run over and yank him off the bike, but it was hard. The only thing stopping her was the fear that he would look over and fall. “Hey, Pammie!” Lizzie had caught sight of Pam and was running towards her with her arms wide open. Lizzie threw her arms around Pam and gave her a big bear hug. Every gesture of Lizzie’s was usually exaggerated. She was a pretty woman with long blonde hair she wore in a chignon, blue eyes and impeccable style. Tonight she was wearing cream-colored silk pants and a peasant blouse with a mixture of cream, blue and green swirls. She was darling. Pam felt awkward and plain in her usual work uniform of black slacks, white blouse and black jacket. She was pretty sure her hair had given up the good fight and was now flat on her skull. But it didn’t matter because Lizzie never cared. Out of the corner of her eye, Pam could see Nathan standing there looking sheepish. Even if Pam hadn’t seen what he had been doing on his bike, she would have known something was up. “Hey Mom!” It sounded a little forced. He was nervous, running his hands though his hair until it stuck up in stiff spikes on his head. He was such a little man and was starting to look so much like his father with the same gray eyes, but his hair was dark like hers. He also had Gary’s dimples and perpetual twinkle of mischief in his eyes.

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On the Run Pam decided not to say anything as they started walking towards the house since it was such a beautiful fall day and she didn’t want to spoil it. Maybe tomorrow. “Hey, Mr. Nate, how was school?” “Good.” That was his usual stock answer to that question. She usually waited until later when he was working on his homework to find out more. “Pam,” Lizzie said, “I made us some pasta primavera, with a nice Caesar salad and a wonderful bottle of wine inside.” Pam groaned in gratitude. “That sounds great, Lizzie, thanks so much.” Lizzie waved her hand, “No problem, after all, you’re letting me stay here. It’s the least I can do.” “Aunt Lizzie,” Nathan said, pulling on her shirt, “can you go to the race with us?” Lizzie smiled at Nathan, brushing his hair down flat with the palm of her hand. “Of course I can.” She sent Pam a slightly amused look. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Pam rolled her eyes. She was glad someone was looking forward to it. A thought struck Pam. “Lizzie, remind me to call Jack and Marie about getting an extra pass for you this weekend.” Jack and Marie were her in-laws. They were really nice people, almost second parents to Pam. The only bone of contention between them was Nathan’s racing. They were all for it. “Will do,” Lizzie said, “Now, let’s eat.” Lizzie, Nathan and Pam walked towards the house together. Pam pulled Nathan closer, hugging him to her side. Just for that moment she was content. It was good to be home. ~ That night, after she had put Nathan to bed, Lizzie and Pam went into the kitchen. Lizzie walked over to the

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Melanie Anderson counter to start a pot of coffee. While she was doing that, Pam reached up to a high cabinet and reached behind some old mismatched Tupperware and pulled out an old pack of cigarettes. They were stale and saved for the times Lizzie and Pam had their heart-to-heart talks. It was a product of their younger days, a ritual that they had between them. Both of them had quit smoking years ago. They both sat back, took a sip of the coffee and a drag of their cigarettes. They both sighed, and then Lizzie started choking. “These taste like shit.” Pam blew out a puff of smoke. “I know. They’re about two years old.” They both sat in silence for a moment. Pam remembered to open up the window. She could remember how Gary used to come in the kitchen, coughing, and bitching about the smoke. Pam would just laugh because she knew he hung out with a lot of smokers in the garage. He would tease them, leaning over to give Pam a k— “Damn it!” Pam jumped up and moved quickly to the open window. Leaning over the sink she stared out into the pitch-black night. She took a deep breath and, letting it out, could feel tears gathering at the corners of her eyes, but felt powerless to stop them. Lizzie put out her cigarette and walked over to her. Placing her hands on Pam’s shoulders, she asked, “What’s wrong, sweetie?” Pam blinked away tears, “Oh, I don’t know.” She turned away. “Yes, I do.” Lizzie sat back down, took a sip of coffee and waited. Pam could feel her eyes on her from across the room. She extinguished her cigarette, but stayed by the relative safety of the sink. “It’s seeing Gary this weekend. I mean I don’t know why it’s bothering me so much. I’ve seen him a couple times before. We have a son together, for God’s sake…”

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On the Run She stopped. “But I haven’t seen him racing.” She stood silent for a moment. Lizzie nodded, motioning with her hand to keep going. “When he’s at the race track, he is a totally different person. Seeing him in his racing suit, with that sexy glint in his eye, he’s just so hot. That look tells me he rules the car. He’s in control. The car to him is a woman and he knows her curves and how to stroke her until he gets what he wants. There is no more powerful aphrodisiac than that.” She walked over to the table, took a sip of her coffee, then whispered, “I just don’t know if I can trust myself around him. I’m the one that wanted the divorce. I’m the one who has stick to my guns.” Pam sat down and stared at the table. For a few minutes, the room was silent except for the hum of the refrigerator and Gordon grooming himself in the corner of the room. Finally Pam looked up. Lizzie’s eyes were huge and she looked speechless. She cleared her throat. “Well…hmm…I don’t know.” She laughed. “Damn, Pam, you got me hot. I had never thought of racing that way.” Pam looked at Lizzie for a couple of seconds, then started laughing. It felt good to laugh after all the stress she had put herself though this past week. “Oh, Lizzie,” she said, wiping her eyes, “I really needed that.” She took another sip of her coffee. Lizzie leaned forward and spoke earnestly, “Pam, when you divorced Gary, I stood by you. I knew your reasons and even if I didn’t understand them, I still stood by you. I still think he would have understood and helped if you had told him, but that’s beside the point.” She took a breath before continuing, “Now I’m going to give you the advice I wanted to give you back then. You don’t have to follow it if you don’t want to, but I’m still going to give it.” Pam was leery, but still said, “Okay.”

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Melanie Anderson Lizzie looked straight in Pam’s eyes. “You need to talk to him.” Pam sat back and waited. After a couple seconds had passed she asked, “And?” Lizzie smiled. “That’s it. Oh, and maybe have sex with him. Girl, you are so uptight, you need to get laid.” Pam gave Lizzie a dirty look. “That’s not much advice. Have sex with him?” “You weren’t listening. First you talk to him. Then you have sex with him.” Lizzie stood up to get the coffeepot, skirting around Gordon who had moved into the center of the room. Refilling both their cups, she sat back down. “I hope you’re kidding.” Pam said. “Okay, maybe I’m kidding about the sex part, but I’m serious about talking to him.” She sighed. “Look, Pam, I know why you divorced him, you know why you divorced him, but the one person who should know doesn’t.” “But what’s the point? I don’t really want to get back together with him. Nothing has changed, my reasons still stand. Why should I bring it all up again?” Lizzie put her hand on Pam’s. “For closure.” Pam shook her head and muttered, “He probably has someone else anyway.” Lizzie smiled sadly. “Then what could it hurt?” What could it hurt indeed? It could hurt plenty, but Pam wasn’t going to tell Lizzie that. For the first time that night, Pam really took a real good look at Lizzie and noticed the shadows under her eyes and the lines around her mouth. She felt guilty for dumping all her problems on her when she obviously had problems of her own. Maybe this wasn’t one of her selfinflicted dramas. Pam noticed a quietness about her that usually wasn’t there. To Pam’s eyes, Lizzie looked nervous, and it wasn’t just her usual hyper energy. Her eyes were darting around

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On the Run the room. She was shuffling a saltshaker back and forth across the table. “What’s wrong?” Pam finally asked. “What’s going on with Andrew?” She looked Pam in the eyes, then took a deep breath and said, “I think Andrew is having an affair.” Pam drew in a sharp breath. This was serious. Most of Lizzie’s breakups with Andrew were over petty fights, nothing like this. If she had to be honest, she couldn’t even remember what any of the other fights had been about. Finally, Pam asked, “Why do you think that?” Lizzie’s eyes filled with tears and Pam, concerned, grabbed her hand. “Because he never comes home on time and he never wants to have sex and…” The rest of her statement was lost as she gave into her crying. Pam quickly got up and went over to Lizzie’s chair then, kneeling down, put her arms around her. Lizzie leaned into the hug and sobbed. “Oh no, Lizzie.” “Oh, Pam, I don’t know what to do, what to think. Why doesn’t he love me anymore?” Pam got up, walked into the other room to get a tissue. When she walked back in, she handed it to Lizzie. “What does he say?” Lizzie wiped her eyes and blew her nose. “Oh, he denies it, says I’m crazy. Yet he doesn’t really have any good explanations for where he is. Business meetings gone late and he’s tired. Blah, blah, blah. But I can tell he’s lying. He’s always been busy but we were always good in bed. I don’t know, it’s just different.” Andrew was a stockbroker for one of the biggest firms in the Washington metro area. He was very good at what he did and made a six-figure salary. Lizzie was a broker in a competing firm and they were the perfect match. They had known each other for a long time and hardly spent a moment apart. He had been the one to encourage Lizzie to

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Melanie Anderson go back to school and get a degree. Pam thought it would be a shame for them to break up after all this time. “If this is true,” Pam said, “Then I’m going to cut off his dick and feed it to Gordon.” Gordon, who was still cleaning himself in the middle of the kitchen, gave Pam a disgruntled look before walking out of the room. Lizzie gave a watery chuckle, then turned serious. “I’m scared, Pam.” Pam’s heart broke. “Honey, I don’t know what to say. Why don’t you just stay here for awhile, come with us to the race, watch me make a fool of myself and we will worry about it on Monday.” Lizzie sniffed. “Yeah, that’s a really good idea. That way if you get any, I can write it on the calendar: Pam actually got laid this millennium.” Pam was happy to see Lizzie starting to get some of her sense of humor back, even if it was at her expense. “Look, Lizzie, how about a bet? I’ll bet you fifty dollars that I do not have sex with Gary.” Lizzie’s color was rapidly coming back at the idea of a bet. “Oh, you are on. After all that stuff you told me about Gary stroking his race car, I’ll be surprised if I don’t win the bet before he even gets in the car.” “Yeah, right.” They both sat laughing until Pam got serious. “Look don’t worry about any of this now. Worry about it when and if it’s true.” ~ That night, lying in bed, Pam tried to sleep. She was worried about everybody and everything. She worried about Nathan because she wasn’t sure how much longer she would be able to control his need for speed. She knew she was fighting a losing battle, but she couldn’t give up. This was too important to her for so many reasons. And seeing Lizzie so depressed really upset Pam. Lizzie was usually so upbeat and confident that seeing her down on herself was awful. Lizzie was her rock and Pam

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On the Run wasn’t used to supporting her. Of course she wanted to be there for her, but Pam was afraid she would fail her, too. But most of all she was worried about Gary, not about him, but about herself and her reaction to seeing him again. It was going to be such a shock to see him this weekend. After going out of her way all these years to avoid him on a track, it was strange to almost go voluntarily into his lair. Rolling over in bed, she tried to find a spot that was comfortable. Not finding one left her plenty of time to dwell. It had been a long five years without him. Only to herself, at night, in bed could she admit what she denied to everyone else. She still loved him. She had thought the divorce would make it easier, but instead it had gotten worse. She ached without him. Giving up the ghost, she got out of bed and walked over to her oak entertainment center and opened up the cabinet next to the television. She pulled out a DVD labeled, “Marriage Proposal.” Pulling the DVD out of its cover, she popped it into the DVD player. After pressing play she sat down on the floor to watch. The picture cleared, then Gary appeared. A younger, less mature Gary. It was his first win and they’d been together for a year at the time. The trackside announcer was interviewing him. “We’re here with Gary Foster who just won his first race as a rookie. The Gatorade is flying and the fans are cheering. Gary, how does it feel?” Pam watched him smile his sexy, cocky smile, his dark hair a little messy around his face. But it was his eyes… Oh yes, Gary’s eyes. That deep intense gray that had her mesmerized from the start. “Well, the car was a little tight, but I have to give credit to the mechanics in the garage, they built me a fine racecar.”

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Melanie Anderson Marie’s head popped up next to her son, smiling and crying at the same time. You could just see Jack’s shoulder at the corner of the screen next to his wife. The interview continued: “I see your parents are here to congratulate you. How important is their support to you?” “My parents are the best. They supported me throughout my career before I was winning races and they are the ones who took me to the track when I was young.” Just like they are trying to do with Nathan, Pam thought ruefully. “Well, Gary, this is your first win, do you think there will be more?” Gary looked at the man like he was stupid. “Of course. This is just the beginning.” The announcer started to talk again, but Gary interrupted to say, “Wait. I’m forgetting someone.” “Who?” Gary was looking around, frantic. “Where is she? Pam? Pam!” Pam sat in front of the television all these years later and listened to Gary calling her from the past. She could remember that moment so clearly. She had been standing back letting him have his moment. Lizzie and Brenda had been with her, holding hands. After Pam had started dating Gary, they had given up their head-banger ways and became racing groupies instead. It was less dangerous, anyway. On the television, Pam saw her face appear, then groaned. “Look at my hair,” she laughed out loud. Even though she had stopped spiking it up in heavy metal fashion, it was still big. Her bangs stood straight up and curled back like an egg roll while the other part curled downward. It was awful. The sides of her hair stood straight out like wings or Dumbo ears. It was hideous.

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On the Run But Gary didn’t seem to care; he just pulled her to him, threw his arms around her and hugged her close. His mouth was near her ear, she remembered him whispering, “I’m so f-ing happy, I love you,” or something like that. It had been muffled. He turned back towards the cameras. “This is my true inspiration for winning this race. This is Pam and she’s the love of my life.” Gary’s voice was thick when he said, “I wasn’t going to do this now because I thought it would be awhile before I won my first race but…” He started fumbling around while whispering to his mom. She handed something to him and kissed him on the cheek. Pam watched as Gary turned to her on the screen. “Pam. I love you so much. You are my heart and soul…my best friend. I race my best because I know you are here waiting for me…watching me.” He grabbed her hand. “Will you marry me?” Just like that, Pam’s heart skipped a beat, like it did back then. On the screen she watched as the much younger version of her stepped back, eyes wide opened. “Whh…aa…tt…?” Pam groaned out loud, embarrassed all over again. In her own defense, she hadn’t seen it coming. They had been getting pretty intense but Pam hadn’t expected a proposal yet. She had loved him. Who was she kidding? She had been obsessed with him. On screen, she was hesitating, while at the same time Gary’s face was starting to look desperate. He must have thought she wasn’t sure. He seemed to have forgotten about the cameras, but Pam hadn’t. The hesitation was a mixture of joy and stage fright. Gary took her shoulders, leaned down and started whispering in her ear, his voice raw with emotion, thinking that the microphone wouldn’t pick it up, but it did. “Honey, please say yes, damn it. I don’t think I could live without you.” His face when he turned it to the camera

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Melanie Anderson was rock hard, his mouth a firm line, but his eyes were desperate and his hands were shaking. Watching the video, Pam let out a shaky laugh because she had been holding her arms like she didn’t know what was going to happen next. She started flapping her hands to get out the soreness. Part of her had always wondered why they kept the cameras rolling but then she realized that it was good ratings. A race, a rookie win and a wedding proposal. What could be better? Especially because nobody could predict what she was going to say. But Pam could. “Pam?” Gary whispered softly. Just like a firecracker, Pam finally came to life, jumping on Gary and throwing her arms around him. Sobbing she said, “Of course I will. I love you!” Gary pulled her back, looked deep in her eyes and leaned down to kiss her… Pam jumped up from the floor, pressing the stop button so violently she nearly knocked the DVD player out the back. She pushed the eject button, pulled the DVD out and threw it into the cabinet. Then she fell face forwards on the bed and pulled the pillow over her head. Why am I torturing myself like this? she thought. Bringing back these memories would not help her keep her distance from Gary this weekend. After all this time, she would need all the resources she had to deal with that first glance of him on his turf. God help her.

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On the Run

Chapter 4 The clock was racing toward the time when Pam and Nathan would arrive and Gary was getting nervous, more apprehensive than he even felt racing. It was Saturday before the race, and he had qualified in fourth place. Everything was coming together. Today was happy hour when the drivers took the cars out to see how they ran and to make any last minute changes to the engines. It was important to Shawn and Gary and everyone in the organization that the car was in top working order. It would be a frantic rush to the end. Everyone would be here today. His parents, Nathan, Pam and even Lizzie, he had heard. They couldn’t come for qualifying yesterday like they usually would because Nate had been in school. Pam was really a great mother, even if she was slightly overprotective when it came to Nathan and racing. He was sitting in his trailer, drinking a soda. He knew he needed to get ready soon but for some reason he was procrastinating. He had an autograph session this morning. He never minded the autographs, since his fans were always important to him, but it could go on for hours and Gary didn’t know if he could handle it with his nerves on edge. He hoped Nathan would get there in time to help him. Having Nathan at his side always helped relax him. He rubbed a hand over his face and sent a silent prayer to God, please let me get though this day without humiliating myself in front of Pam. Please stop me from either strangling her or begging her to get back together. Please. It was going to be a long day. ~ It was a sunny autumn day at the Richmond Speedway. The fans were walking through the gates in droves, hoping to catch a glimpse of their favorite racecar

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Melanie Anderson driver. Maybe even get an autograph or two. A few people were wearing lightweight jackets since it was unseasonably chilly for this time of the year. Pam observed all this with clinical detachment as she walked besides Lizzie and Nathan into the racetrack. She was shaking, partly from the chill and partly from nerves. She couldn’t believe the day was actually here. For the most part the rest of the week had been uneventful. Nathan had school and Pam work. Evenings had been spent packing for the weekend. It had been hard for Pam to pick out what she wanted to wear for the weekend, since she had never been a clotheshorse and nothing she had looked right. What does one wear to see her ex-husband? She had asked Lizzie. They’d both been clueless. Despite it all, she was here now in jeans and a green sweater. Green had always flattered her, bringing out the green in her eyes. She had managed to tame her hair into some sort of style. It was shoulder length with layers that angled down the side of her face. Her bangs were a fringe above her eyes. It was better than any other style she had ever had but would somehow manage to transform itself into a rat’s nest by the end of the day. There was just no hope for it. Even though she had some, she had refrained from wearing any of her racing T-shirts. She could have worn Gary’s, but she didn’t think that would be right. Of course she had been watching him race on television off and on since the divorce and was still his biggest fan, but she wasn’t sure how he’d feel about that. In a moment of insanity she had been tempted to find a shirt of one of his biggest rivals and wear that but thought it might be just a bit tacky. Nathan on the other hand, was a walking billboard for his father, wearing all the racing gear his father wore, in miniature. He looked really cute, like a little racecar

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On the Run driver. Which, she thought with a shiver, he really wanted to be. Lizzie, Pam thought enviously, looked model beautiful, in tight jeans that flared slightly at the cuff and another peasant shirt with shades of purple and blue complemented the outfit. She had on a pair of clunkyheeled boots and her blonde hair was like a waterfall down her back. All the guys were eyeing her and Pam was proud. Even if she was a little bit jealous. They walked down pit row, passing all the crew chiefs and crews hard at work. SCRL officials and mechanics were scurrying around near the garages. “Where is he?” Nathan asked. He was holding onto Pam’s hand, dragging her behind him. “Slow down,” Pam said. She didn’t need to hurry. The moment was coming up faster than she wanted anyway. Of course the moment she was least prepared, it happened. The wind started blowing a little harder from the left, pushing her hair into her face. “Damn,” she muttered to herself, trying to get some sort of control of the mess. Turning her head to the side, she flipped her hair back, then stopped. There he was. Pam’s hazel eyes locked with his gray ones and the world stopped. Pam stood staring at him, helplessly struggling with her emotions. Both parties had stopped in the middle of the concourse. Gary was walking with Shawn and his parents; Pam was with Lizzie and had Nathan flanking her on the left. Even Nathan was being uncharacteristically quiet, his eyes darting back and forth from his mother to his father. It was a stand off in the middle of the track. Do something somebody, Pam thought. Move. Pam gently nudged Nathan and like a gunshot he leaped toward Gary, crying, “Dad, Dad!”

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Melanie Anderson The moment was lost but not forgotten. What the hell was that? Why had he just stared at her? She knew she was nervous but she hadn’t thought Gary would have the same problem. She hung back from the reunion between father and son. Lizzie stood next to Pam, her very presence offering support. Nathan was now being passed from Gary to Shawn and then to his grandparents. There were a lot of hugs, kisses and high fives for everyone. Then to her consternation, the gray eyes moved back to her, pinning her with their stare. Lizzie gently nudged her forward, muttering so no one could hear, “Be brave.” Pam slowly moved forward. She felt like she was in the middle of a dream or a nightmare. She wasn’t sure which. She went to her former in-laws first. Marie smiled at Pam and hugged her close. They were friends, despite some of their differences in opinion. Most of the communication between Gary and Pam had been through Marie, so they saw each other often. Marie was a very beautiful woman. She had Gary’s gray eyes, almond colored hair and two dimples at the side of her mouth. She was a lot shorter than Gary was, even shorter than Pam. She was about five foot five and was nicely dressed in a gray sweater with khaki pants. Pulling back from Pam, she said, “Hi, sweetie.” Pam smiled. “Hi, Mom.” She had been calling Marie Mom for years and couldn’t stop just because of the divorce. She then turned to Gary’s father, Jack. He wasn’t smiling, but he hardly ever did. He had always looked a lot tougher than he was. His face was weathered from working so many years in construction, his hair dark with shades of gray, giving it a salt and pepper look. He grinned at Pam and his moustache twitched when he smirked. “Finally back on enemy territory, huh?”

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On the Run Pam chuckled and rolled her eyes. She hugged him tight, whispering in his ear, “Behave yourself.” Turning from Jack, she stopped, then squealed, “Shawn!” He smiled widely and held open his arms. She ran, threw her arms around him and felt her feet coming off the ground. She had so many memories of Shawn, good and bad. They had had their shares of fights over the years, but underneath it all had been a layer of trust and friendship. She just genuinely liked him. “Hey, honey,” he said now, “it’s good to see you.” She smiled. “Same here.” They moved apart. “It’s about time you came back.” She just smiled, braced herself, then turned. My God, she thought, he looks exactly the same. She had been watching him for years on television but nothing had prepared her for seeing him in person. There were small differences, lines around his steel gray eyes and a hardness about his face she had never seen before. His eyes were cold as they studied her. She gave him a small smile. “Hi, Gary.” He tilted his head. “Pam.” He wasn’t helping at all and Pam felt trapped. It was one of the most awkward moments of her life. “How are you?” she asked, thinking to herself, Help me, someone! “Good,” he said, shifting restlessly, like he was in a hurry but being polite. Pam didn’t blame him for his attitude, but it still hurt being rebuffed like this, and in public, too. She felt Lizzie come up next to her and watched as Gary’s face changed. The corners of his mouth curled up into a huge smile and his dimples came out when he said, “Lizzie.” Lizzie smiled. “Gary, how are you?” Gary moved forward, almost nudging Pam out of the way to hug Lizzie. Lizzie and Gary started some small talk

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Melanie Anderson while Pam stood there with a smile frozen on her face. She couldn’t hear what they were saying over the buzzing in her ears. She wasn’t upset at Lizzie because she knew Gary was doing this on purpose. She was surprised to find him this vindictive. He must have changed a lot in the last five years. The worst part about it was that she could feel Shawn and Gary’s parents watching her with sympathetic looks on their faces. She felt like a fool for coming. She should just leave. She had done her job. She had brought Nathan up to see Gary. Pam walked over to Nathan, who was looking under the hood of a car parked in someone else’s pit. More than likely he was dissecting it in his head. Not only did Nathan like racing cars, he was also interested in the mechanics of the engines. Nathan looked up at Pam when she came up next to him. “Isn’t this awesome?” Pam looked but all she saw was a car. She knew everything about the race once it started, but she was totally clueless of all but the basics of the engines. “Hmm…Nice.” Pam tried to sound enthusiastic, but was failing. This was Nathan and Gary’s turf. She was an outsider. She wished for the thousandth time that she wasn’t there. Shawn walked over to Nathan to talk about the car when Lizzie walked over to Pam. Pam could see Gary talking to his parents out of the corner of her eye. Lizzie put her hand on her arm and said, “It will be okay. You knew it wouldn’t be easy.” Pam nodded her head. “Yes, but it’s been five years since we were married. Why is he still bitter?” They were talking in low voices so they wouldn’t be overheard while people walked past them in a hurry. Everyone had a purpose and reason to be there. Pam simply felt left out.

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On the Run Lizzie nudged her. “Let’s see if we can find some old friends.” During the five years of Pam’s marriage, Lizzie had been to a lot of races with her, so they still knew a lot of people. Pam squared her shoulders. “You’re right, let’s go.” ~ Gary watched Pam walk off with Lizzie. He was having a conversation with his Dad but was only half listening. He felt low for treating Pam the way he had. It was true he hadn’t been happy about the divorce, which was an understatement but after five years he could have at least been polite. Even now he could feel his mom shooting darts at him with her eyes. If Pam had not asked her to watch Nathan before she left, he would have definitely got an earful. His only defense was that it had been such a kick in the gut to look into her eyes again. She was such a mixture of child and women. Those hazel eyes, more green today than anything else, her lips so full and sexy, and that unruly hair which she still didn’t seem to be able to control. What really hurt was that he knew what she was like when she smiled, when she laughed, when she cried. He knew that her eyes darkened into a deep earth tone when they made love. If she had done something truly awful, like take all his money or cheat on him, he would probably have no feelings for her. But the only thing she had done to hurt him was divorce him because she didn’t love him anymore. At least that was what she had told him across the room that awful day. His dad interrupted his thoughts when he said, “Gary, are you listening to me?” Gary felt sheepish and snapped, “Yes.” His father looked doubtful but didn’t question him.

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Melanie Anderson “We got to get to work, happy hour is starting soon,” Gary said in an attempt to change the subject. He turned away from his father and called, “Come on Shawn.” Shawn turned away from his conversation with another crew chief and saluted smartly at Gary. “Yes, boss, anything you say boss.” ~ Hours later, after Gary had sat though hours of autographing and gone through happy hour, the day was coming to an end. The sun was going down which made it even chillier. Nathan had helped him with the autograph session, charming everyone that came up. Gary wasn’t sure what happened to Pam. He hadn’t really seen her all day. Turning around, he scanned the area but didn’t see the green sweater. He started walking towards his trailer where he knew his parents were. As he was walking down pit row, he caught a glimpse of her and stopped. Shit. There was his ex-wife hugging Jack Stuart, his main rival on the racetrack. They weren’t friendly competitors, either. They had been rookies together and had gotten in many highly publicized fights in that year. Since then they had kept an uneasy distance from each other. That was probably because both of their owners had warned them: Stay away from each other or else. Not only were their differences race related but personal, too. Jack had always had a thing for Gary’s wife even before they were married. Seeing her hugging him now really pissed him off. He got close enough to hear what they were saying but not close enough for them to see him. “Jack, how are you?” “Hi there, darlin’, you’re looking good. Haven’t seen you around in awhile, where have you been all my life?”

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On the Run Gary watched Jack give Pam his oily leer and tamped down the urge for murder. Pam laughed her deep laugh and grinned. “You flatterer, I’ve been watching you on television all year, you’ve been doing fine without me.” Gary snorted to himself. Doing fine without me, my ass, he thought. The man would flirt with any woman with cleavage and Gary had always thought Pam was smarter than that. “I’m doing okay, but it’s not the same without you, sweetie. Why haven’t you come to see me?” Jack was holding Pam by the elbows, looking into her eyes like they were a couple instead of casual friends. To Gary’s relief she stepped back, breaking contact. He would really hate to have to kick Jack’s ass before the race. “You’re silly, Jack.” Gary watched as Jack took his hat off and ran a hand over his rapidly thinning hair. “I’m dead serious,” Jack, said with a grin, “Baby, if I win tomorrow, I hope I see you in victory lane.” He winked at Pam. Over my dead body, Gary thought. “We’ll see.” She didn’t sound too excited. “Well, honey, it’s been wonderful seeing you.” He leaned forward to kiss Pam who moved her face at the last minute so his lips hit her cheek instead. Jack gave her a smug look and started walking away, throwing back over his shoulder, “See ya later.” Gary watched Pam give Jack a smile, which even he could tell was fake, then muttered, “Okay.” Under her breath he could barely hear her say, “You asshole.” Gary watched as she turned around and looked directly at him. ~ Pam stopped in shock at the sight of Gary watching her from a couple feet away. She had wanted to avoid seeing Jack at all today. She had never liked him and avoided him at every race she

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Melanie Anderson went to. Not only did she think that he was a slimy scumbag, but he had also done some sneaky things to Gary over the years. She knew his interest in her was only because of Gary. He had always wanted what Gary had. Now she found herself staring at Gary who was looking smug as if he’d caught her doing something wrong, which of course she hadn’t. She had to struggle against the instinctive feeling of guilt. They were divorced, for God’s sake; I have nothing to feel guilty about. But old habits died hard. She gave Gary a hopeful smile. “Hey Gary.” “Um hmm,” he said. “Didn’t waste any time getting to know old ‘friends’, huh?” Pam didn’t appreciate the way he said ‘friends’. “What are you talking about?” He smiled, folding his arms across his chest, “You know Jack has always had a thing for you.” Pam was pissed and let him know. “And you know that I never cared at all about Jack’s ‘thing’.” She started walking away but was stopped short when Gary’s hand caught her arm. “What?” she asked, exasperated, attempting to jerk her arm away. Her nerves were frayed and she just wanted to get back to the hotel. She didn’t know where Lizzie was and felt defenseless without her. “I think it’s past time we talked,” he said, his voice ominous. She closed her eyes and felt a wave of dread pass though her. Oh God, she thought, I do not want to talk to him. Gary continued, “Honey, it’s been five years and I think we left some things hanging. I think you owe me an explanation about why this hell is better than being together.” That got Pam’s attention. “What hell?” He let go of her arm and started looking around. They were standing near the transporter trailer for Jack’s car. “I

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On the Run think we’d better go somewhere more private to talk about this. Why don’t you come to my motor home?” Said the spider to the fly, Pam thought. Trite but true. His motor home was not a good idea at all. “I don’t think so.” “Okay, how about tomorrow after the race?” Gary looked determined, like he wasn’t going to take no for an answer. That wouldn’t be a good idea, either. They were leaving tomorrow after the race. She remembered what Lizzie had said. Maybe it was about time she talked to Gary. She wasn’t going to tell him more than she wanted to, but it might be better to say something. “No,” she said resigned, “Let’s talk tonight.” “Okay.” He turned to leave. “I’ll go tell my parents to take Lizzie and Nathan back to the hotel. I’ll take you back later.” Why does that sound like a threat? Pam thought. She really did feel like the fly being trapped by the spider. “Fine,” she said again, accepting her fate. ~ Waiting in Gary’s motor home was the hardest thing she had ever done. Her legs were shaking as she sat on the couch that lined up with the front. The front room was sparsely decorated, just the basics done in shades of black and gray. It suited Gary. It smelled like him, too, and that made Pam’s heart beat double time. Gary had left to talk to his parents, leaving Pam with the key. She wished she were back in the hotel, talking to Nathan, putting him to bed. She wished she were anywhere but here. She heard footsteps coming toward the motor home and braced herself. The door opened, then Gary walked in. He sat down on a bench on the side of the main room, causing it to rock slightly. Letting out a deep sigh, he turned toward Pam. “Okay, let’s talk.”

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Melanie Anderson

Chapter 5 Gary waited for Pam to say something. Anything. He watched her twist her hands in her lap. She looked like a deer caught in the headlights when she finally said, “Okay, let’s talk.” He stood up and walked to the refrigerator, opened it up, and stared inside for a couple of minutes. Now that he had her here, he didn’t know where to start. He just knew that this was a long time coming. “Do you want something to drink?” She huffed out a breath, obviously impatient at this distraction. “Yes, fine. What do you have?” Gary thought about it. “This is going to require something stronger than soda.” He reached into a six-pack and pulled out two beers. He handed one to her, knowing that they both shared the same taste in beer and he didn’t need to worry that she wouldn’t like it. She hesitated, opened her mouth to say something, and then took the beer. “Thanks. She opened up the beer and took a swig. Letting out a satisfied breath, she sighed, “Ahhh…” He agreed. He was hoping that alcohol would help loosen them up so that they could get past this awkward moment. He found that most of his earlier bitterness had burned out, leaving him curious and cautious. They both sat back, drinking their beer. The silence had now turned compatible rather than awkward. She turned to him. “How are you really doing?” He looked back at her. “I’m usually okay, but sometimes I wonder what I’m doing with my life.” Her face looked skeptical, “What do you mean? I thought you were doing what you always wanted to do. Racing.” “Yeah, but sometimes it seems empty… I just never understood why you left me. It’s kind of like a wound that

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On the Run won’t heal.” His voice held a hint of bitterness. He stood up and threw his bottle into the trashcan, then grabbed two more from the refrigerator, handing one to her before opening his. He drank deeply and looked back at her. “So.” She looked uncomfortable. She picked up her first beer and finished it off. She attempted to open her second bottle but was having trouble. She looked at Gary. “Can you help me?” He grabbed her bottle and twisted off the top. “So are you going to leave me in suspense or are you going to finally give me some real answers.” He watched as she took a swig of her beer and stood up. She walked over to the mirror in the small hallway leading to the back and adjusted her hair a little bit. He knew she was stalling but he sat, determined to wait her out. With one last look at her reflection, she turned around and said, “I’m not sure what you want from me. Do you remember the day I asked for the divorce?” He snorted in disgust, of course he did. It was the worst day of his life. It nearly ended his career. “Yeah, I came home from a shitty race and you threw divorce papers at me and told me you didn’t love me anymore. Of course I remember that day,” he said bitterly. “How could I forget it?” She walked back to the bench and sat down. “It’s true. I didn’t love you anymore. How could I? I didn’t even know you. You were always gone.” He laughed, bitter. “Bullshit. You could have moved down to North Carolina at any time. Nathan could have gone to school down there and we could have visited everybody in Virginia whenever you wanted. There is something that you are not telling me.” She sat there in silence. She wasn’t going to help him at all.

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Melanie Anderson “Okay, so you’re going to be stubborn about this. Well, there is something you still owe me.” That got her attention. “What?” “My goodbye kiss.” She sucked in her breath when he got up and walked towards her. He couldn’t believe he was doing this, but this feeling of frustration was getting the better of him. He hated that she wasn’t going to give him the only thing he wanted. Answers. He sat down next to her on the bench and leaned forward. His lips touched hers as he kept the kiss gentle. He tasted beer and nerves. He pulled back and looked into her eyes. Her pupils were huge, turning her eyes black. She whispered, “I don’t think this is a good idea.” He moved closer, his lips inches away from hers, and whispered into her mouth, “I know.” Than he plunged in and kissed her again. This time the kiss was different. This kiss was wild and didn’t have an ending. It had a question with no answer. His head moved, finding a better angle and his tongue delved into her mouth. She moaned and pulled his head closer. ~ What am I doing? She couldn’t think. It just felt so good to be kissing Gary again. He tasted of beer and sin and it was oh so familiar. It was like coming home. She tried to pull back, but he held her steady with his hands. She couldn’t fight it anymore. It had been so long. She gave in to what her body wanted and wrapped her arms around his neck and gave him everything she had. The kiss deepened but it still wasn’t enough. His left hand fisted in her hair and tugged. The other hand moved lower to her back and then crept slowly around to the front. He caressed her breast through the sweater and Pam groaned. Part of her mind was still protesting loudly, but her body was not listening. She couldn’t say it was the beer

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On the Run because two beers had never made her lose her mind before. His hand moved under her sweater and under her bra. He started kneading her nipple and she stopped thinking altogether. She groaned. His hand felt so good. His lips moved away from her mouth and started moving down her neck. Her head felt weightless as it fell back. He was still doing magical things to her breast, and the sensation made her wild for more. She pressed herself fully against him and rubbed anxiously, trying to scratch this itch inside her. He groaned into her neck and wrapped his arms around her. Still kissing her neck, he picked her up and walked her back to the bedroom where she felt herself being lowered down on the bed. The sheets were silky smooth and cool. He slowly covered her body like a blanket and started kissing her again, running his tongue around her lips. She stretched and arched against him. His hand moved down to her sweater and pulled it up. Impatient for more, she helped him pull it over her head and then threw it on the floor. He pulled her bra up over her nipples and blew on them, watching as they puckered up. Pam groaned again, the sensation so exquisite it was almost painful. Once they were peaked and aching, he leaned in and licked each nipple one at a time. Then, when she was practically begging him to give her more, he pushed them together and started sucking on them urgently, first one, then the other. She arched higher on the bed, then felt the implosion when she came in a violent rush. When she was done twitching, she opened her eyes and saw Gary’s cryptic smile. “You were always easy to make come.” She felt defensive even though she was still having after shocks from her organism, “So? Is that bad?”

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Melanie Anderson “No,” he said, then leaned down and started kissing her again. She didn’t think she could come again, but knew Gary could prove her wrong. He always did. ~ Part of Gary knew he shouldn’t be doing this. Nothing had been settled between them. But he liked having her where he wanted her. He figured if she wouldn’t give him what he wanted, then he would take what he needed. Then maybe show her what she had given up so easily. He was aching to push inside her but didn’t want to rush it. He was so hard now that he would come the minute he entered her. And he wanted her begging him before it was over with. This time he moved his hand down lower to her stomach, kneading it before moving slowly down. She groaned in anticipation as he watched her face grimace in pleasure and pain. He moved his other hand back to her breast to keep her on that sharp edge of pleasure. He didn’t want her to know what was coming next. He moved lower still over her pubic hair to the mound down low. Opening her up, he slid his finger in past the nub and then deeper inside her. She groaned and said something garbled. He kept one finger inside her and one on her clitoris while moving his mouth over her left breast and suckling hard, pulling it deep into his mouth. She groaned, and he felt her tightening around his finger, close to coming apart again. He pulled his hand out, then pulled back from her breast, breaking all contact. Pam started writhing around on the sheets, protesting his leaving her. He leaned forward and gently bit her nipple. She moaned. “Please…” “Shh.” he soothed. “I’m not leaving you.” He kissed down her body to her stomach and watched as the muscles in her stomach jumped. When she realized where he was going, she started moving back on the sheets. He stopped her by grabbing her legs, halting any more movement as he moved down

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On the Run and licked into her once. She strained against his arms, keening wildly. He moved back and used one of his hands to soothe her, then he started licking and sucking in earnest. ~ Pam couldn’t think. There was just too much heat and sensation. She could feel herself getting closer and closer. Gary could always drive her past the point of sanity. He was that good. He was still licking and sucking and she was starting to see stars. She was coming… Then he stopped. Again. “Oh God,” she moaned. “Please…” He moved up her body to look into her eyes. “No, not yet, not this time.” She started to move her hand down to finish the job herself. “No, no, no.” he admonished holding her hand, “I don’t think so.” He positioned himself right at her opening and rubbed his shaft over her clitoris. The pressure started building until he went still. “Damn it,” she said with vehemence in her voice. She wished he would stop teasing her and driving her insane. He chuckled, his voice filled with tension. “You know I’m not that easy.” This time he pushed himself into her a tiny bit. She tried to push him in deeper with her hips but he stopped her with his pelvis. He applied pressure so that she couldn’t move. He was holding himself over her and his arms were clenched, the muscles tense, and sweat was pouring down his face unto her chest. “How much do you want it?” he asked in a husky voice. “What?” she asked, incoherently. He pulled out. Disorientated, she looked up at him. His gray eyes were staring down at her, intensely. “I said how much do you want it?”

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Melanie Anderson “Oh, I want it bad.” She moaned. She didn’t want to play games. She was standing at the threshold of paradise and she just wanted him inside her. Hard and fast. “Tell me you still love me.” His face was fierce. “What?” She just couldn’t believe it. He chooses now to make me say this? How could he do this to her? It wasn’t fair. He pushed himself inside her a little bit again while using his hand to rub her clitoris. “Oh God,” she moaned. “Tell me,” he demanded. Damn him, she thought. Why is he doing this to me? She started to move away from him but he just followed, pushing forward, going a little deeper inside her. She bit her lip but a groan escaped anyway. “Do you want me?” “Y—yes, please…now,” she moaned. He pulled out. “Then tell me what I want to hear.” It was sensual blackmail and Pam didn’t like it at all. But her body was still bucking and begging. He was pushing in again and she just wanted him now. “Okay, damn you, I love you.” He moved her chin so that she was looking straight up at him. He ground out, “Look into my eyes and say it.” He pushed in harder, then pulled out. Her eyes were starting to blur but she forced herself to look into his eyes and sell her soul to the devil. “I love you,” she moaned. He looked into her eyes for a heartbeat and then thrust deep inside her. She fell apart. They went at it like animals, his hips moving as fast as lightening and the pressure built until she came again. He followed shortly after, groaning loudly with his release. She lay in his bed, exhausted. He moved off her and rolled over on his back, both of them silent. Pam was tired but managed to go to the bathroom to clean herself up.

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On the Run Coming back to the bedroom, she felt exhausted and went to lie back on the bed. She was only going to rest her eyes and then she was going to leave. ~ Gary watched Pam sleeping in the fetal position with her hands tucked under her. He was surprised that she had gone to sleep without yelling at him or at the very least leaving in a huff. She must be really tired, he thought. He felt a great deal of guilt for the position he had put them in. He should have just left it the way it was. Now he was going to have to call his parents and tell them that Pam had fallen asleep. He could just imagine the speculation that would cause. Personally he felt drained but good. He thought that maybe he was finally coming close to figuring out what had happened five years ago. Despite what she said, he had never believed she had stopped loving him. Of course he still had his doubts. Just because she slept with him didn’t mean she loved him. They had always been good in bed and, if she was like him, it might have been awhile for her, too. The only thing he knew for sure was that she wasn’t totally immune to him or he would have never gotten this close. She wasn’t somebody who jumped into casual sex, even with her ex-husband. He unfolded the blanket from the end of the bed and laid it across her. Pushing her hair back from her face he leaned forward and kissed her softly. He watched her sleep until he gave in to exhaustion himself. ~ Somewhere during the night, Pam rolled over and felt somebody next to her. Half asleep, she smelled Gary’s familiar scent and moved against him. Just like the old days, they came together softly in the night. She felt him deep inside her where no one had ever touched before. He rocked forward gently until they both came to completion.

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Melanie Anderson Stumbling around in the dark, still drowsy, she went into the bathroom and cleaned herself again. Rolling back into bed, she felt his arms go around her as they fell back to sleep.

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On the Run

Chapter 6 Pam woke up the next morning and rolled over. Reaching around to pull up the covers she touched an arm. An arm? She thought drowsily. She bolted straight up in bed. Shit. She looked over and saw Gary sleeping. He slept in the nude, his body glorious in the morning light, with his arm over his head. Remembering everything, she groaned to herself. How could I have slept with him? She had no excuse for it. Now he knew he still had some kind of hold on her and that she still loved him. The only defense she could come up with was denial. She would deny everything. Part of her felt shameful for leading him on, only to deny him the answers he wanted. She would never be who or what he wanted. A good racing wife who would support him whatever he did. She was just a weak woman who was leaving her husband…again. She got up and looked around for her sweater. It was on the floor by his side of the bed. The room was very narrow in the motor home and the bed was tight. Walking sideways with her back against the wall was the only the only way to get close enough to reach her sweater. She moved quietly, reached down to pick up her sweater and then jumped back in shock when a hand grabbed her leg. “Where are you going?” She kept her voice calm as she said, “You have a race today and I have to get back to the hotel room to change clothes.” He let her leg go, stretched, and sat up against the headboard. Coming awake slowly, he watched her pull the sweater over her head. Feeling self-conscious, she moved quickly away to the end of the bed. Reaching for her jeans, which were tangled up in the sheet, she started to pull them on. “In a hurry?” he drawled.

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Melanie Anderson She tried to smile, “Yes I am. I know how busy you are on Sundays.” “So that’s it? You were going to leave without saying anything. You’re not even mad at me?” Pam snapped the button on her jeans and zipped them up. “Look,” she said, “We can talk about…uh…last night later. We really don’t have time for it now. Lizzie and Nathan are going to wonder where I am.” He continued watching her. “Hmm… Looks more like you’re running away to me.” She walked into the next room and picked up her shoes. Slipping her feet into them, she wondered how she was going to get out of this situation gracefully. Walking back into the bedroom, she said, “I’m not running away,” Yes I am. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood up, pulling his jeans on. “I think you are running away. I still think we need to talk.” He followed her as she retreated out of the bedroom. She walked to the door, then turned around. “Okay, I agree, we need to talk. But it can wait until after the race, okay?” He looked like he wanted to argue, but finally said, “All right, after the race. But don’t run away from me.” She would’ve agreed to run down the racetrack naked if it could get her out of the trailer faster. “I won’t.” She reached for the doorknob and turned back. “Bye, I’ll see you later.” “Wait.” He walked to her and put his hand on her shoulder. Pulling her forward, he gave her a kiss that nearly made her forget her own name. “Think about me,” he said. She stuttered, “O—okay.” With one last look back at him, she opened the door and escaped. ~

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On the Run She was going to run, Gary thought to himself. He could see that panicky look in her eyes when she was walking out the door. That was why he kissed her. He didn’t want her getting in the last word. He stood for a moment by the door wondering how she was going to get back to the hotel. Shrugging his shoulders, he figured she’d find a way. At the speed she was going, she’d probably end up walking back to the hotel. Physically he felt sated from the night of lovemaking, but mentally he was still going crazy. Nothing was resolved and he was afraid he’d still have to wait. “Damn it.” He cursed then punched the wall. “Ouch.” That fucking hurt. Rubbing his hand, he walked over to the refrigerator. What he wanted to do was get so drunk that he couldn’t think, but today was the race and he couldn’t. The sponsors frowned on their drivers getting plowed before a race. He reached into the refrigerator and pulled out a soda. It was 6:30 in the morning and he knew Shawn would be calling soon to find out if he was ready. The crowds would be starting to cram into the racetrack in about a half an hour. He hadn’t heard the ceremonial blast but he knew he would soon. He sat down at the small table and willed himself to calm down. He couldn’t be this furious and race. The phone rang. Time to go to work, he thought. ~ Pam didn’t see Gary again until much later in the day. They were standing near his car before the race. It was before the driver introductions and the opening ceremonies. Pam, Lizzie, Nathan and his parents had come down to wish Gary luck. Pam was exhausted. She had managed to sneak back into her room that morning without being caught. Luckily Lizzie’s room was separate from hers and Nathan had

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Melanie Anderson stayed with his grandparents. As far as she knew, no one knew she hadn’t come back last night. Her mind was in turmoil. Now standing here watching Gary in his racing suit, she didn’t know what to do. He just looked so handsome. His hair was blowing in the wind and his eyes hidden behind sunglasses. The sunglasses flattered his face and made him look more rakish. His suit was white with blue around the collar and the pants were similar, white with blue lettering down the sides. Pam, on the other hand, knew she looked like shit. She was wearing a lightweight tan sweater with a turtleneck and a pair of jeans. She had found some tell tale marks on her neck, which was the reason for the turtleneck. Thank God I packed it, she thought to herself. She, too, had sunglasses on, but that was to disguise her raccoon eyes. Her hair was a mess because of the wind and the fact she couldn’t tame it at all this morning. It seemed to be a reflection of her mixed up feelings being here this morning. Lizzie was talking to Gary, “I know you are going to do good today, Gary. I can feel it in the air.” He gave Lizzie a flirtatious grin. “Why, thank you, honey, that makes me feel good.” “Dad.” Nathan was tugging on Gary’s pants. Gary leaned down close. “Yes?” “I hope you beat all the other cars and win the race. If you win, can I have the trophy?” Nathan smiled his mischievous smile at Gary. Obviously it was an inside joke between father and son. “If you give me a million dollars, you can have the trophy,” Gary joked. Nathan’s face fell in mock disappointment. “I don’t have a million dollars.” “I’ll tell you what, then…” Gary leaned closer and whispered loud enough to be heard by all, “You tell your

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On the Run Mom to give me a kiss for good luck, then I’ll give you the trophy.” Pam started shaking her head. When Nathan turned around to her, she said, “Oh nooo…” “Mom, come on!” Nathan started pulling her towards Gary who was smiling at her, obviously enjoying her discomfort. Jerk. Everybody was laughing at Pam’s efforts to pull away from Nathan. She started running around the car with Nathan chasing her. The race ended when Gary stepped around and caught her around the waist. He looked into her eyes, all amusement wiped away, then whispered quietly, “The chase is over.” He leaned in to lightly kiss her on the lips. When she pulled away she laughed for the benefit of their audience, but inside she was thinking, what does that mean? The chase is over? That sounds like a threat. Everybody laughed, easing the tension, but Pam could still feel the speculative looks everyone was giving her. She couldn’t blame them. Yesterday they could hardly be civil to each other and this morning they were joking around. Well, if they were confused, they had nothing on her. She hadn’t felt so many emotions at one time in years. In the meantime the rest of them would just have to speculate, since Pam wasn’t going to be the one to enlighten them. The announcement came on for driver introductions and Gary left with Shawn. Pam turned to Lizzie and her group. “I guess we’d better be getting to our box.” They all turned to walk away. Nathan was running backwards up in front talking to his grandparents while Lizzie walked with Pam in silence. Finally Lizzie spoke. “What’s wrong?” “I owe you fifty dollars.” Lizzie looked confused. “What fifty dol…” She stopped. “Pam!”

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Melanie Anderson Pam stopped, too. “Sssh Lizzie.” Lizzie started walking again and Pam followed her. Under her breath, Lizzie muttered, “We have got to talk.” Pam sighed, resigned. “Yes, I know. Later.” ~ Going through driver introduction always made Gary feel like a beauty queen in a parade. Riding around the track in the car, he did his best “Miss America” wave and listened to the cheers of the crowd…and the boos. None of it really affected him anymore. He loved his fans but knew he wasn’t everybody’s favorite. The only problem he had this morning was that he couldn’t get his mind off Pam. He had noticed her withdrawal this morning and knew she would have left if she could have. He didn’t know how to get her alone again so he could really talk to her. Hell, he had to admit, he wanted to get her alone again for much more than talking. Now he had to get his mind back to racing. He felt like the race was already over since he had gotten her to admit she still cared. Now he had to figure out a way to get her back. He would have to go at it like he did his career. Full steam. No distractions. He would get her back. Failure was not an option. The parade came to an end and he walked towards the pit box. It was time to race. ~ Pam and Lizzie stood in the owner’s box with their hands over their hearts. A local country singer was singing the National Anthem…badly. Pam’s lips were moving with the words but no sounds were coming out. Lizzie was standing next to her, brimming with excitement. Pam could feel the effort she was making not to ask any questions. She was going to go after Pam like a dog with a bone. She felt weary just thinking about it.

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On the Run The National Anthem finally came to end. The crowd was starting to get rowdy as the MC came to the mike. “Now for the most famous words in racing, here is Charles Truman, former Cup Champion.” Charles came up to the microphone, then paused for effect, “Gentlemen. Start. Your. Engines.” The roar rose from the pits as the thirty-seven drivers turned on their cars in unison. Pam felt her heart beating faster as it always had at this moment. She forgot how exciting it was to be at a live race. The television never did it justice. Lizzie spoke to Pam out of the corner of her mouth, “When are you going to spill the beans?” Pam spoke the same way, her eyes never leaving the track, “Later.” Lizzie looked around to make sure no one was listening. “I want details.” Pam rolled her eyes. “I’m sure you do.” “And I want my fifty dollars.” Pam huffed out a laugh. “Okay, okay.” ~ It was lap 350 of 400 laps and Gary was in third place. His car had never been better and so far hadn’t needed any adjustments. Shawn’s voice came over his headphones, “How’s the car, Gary?” “Good.” Gary hardly ever spoke over the radio unless it was necessary. His total concentration had to be on the driving. Right now, he was working on passing Mark Evans, the second place driver who was driving a little loose. If Gary could get close enough to knock him looser, he could pass him on the bottom. His spotter, Henry’s, voice came over his headset. “Number 94 is working on your left side.” Shit, he thought. It was Jack. The man was becoming a real pain in the ass. Henry spoke again, “He’s going to try and pass you below.”

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Melanie Anderson Gary moved the car down to block him. He shifted, going into the corner and moved below Mark. Closing in on his bumper, the aero push was too much and Mark moved up the track loose, just as Gary thought he would. As soon as they got through the corner, Gary made his move. Stepping on the accelerator, he passed right by him. “Clear, clear.” Henry’s voice told him. He was moving on up. ~ Pam was a nervous wreck watching Gary getting closer to the leader. It was exciting, thrilling, and scary all at one time. It was like watching a horror movie; part of her wanted to close her eyes, the other part didn’t want to miss a thing. There were twelve short laps to go and Gary was currently moving closer and closer to Heath Peters who was leading. Ten laps to go. Gary was still working. Pam could see the action on the track and watch it on a television monitor in the box. He was driving up the track and below trying to find his spot around Heath but Heath was not giving an inch. He hadn’t won in about fifteen races and was determined to get his win tonight. But he didn’t know Gary. Eight laps to go. Gary had better make his move soon, Pam thought, time was running out. The announcers’ voices were getting more excited and everybody in the box was jumping up and down. Nathan, who had been playing for most of the race, was now talking a mile a minute with his nose against the glass. Heath was now meeting up with the cars laps down and this would be to Gary’s advantage. Heath was having a problem getting around one of the lap cars and she knew Gary was just waiting for his chance. Three laps to go and Gary finally got his shot. Heath was stuck behind one of the lap cars and was trying to pass

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On the Run on the left but the car kept blocking him. Cars at the end of the lead lap were not supposed to block the lead car but evidently, this driver hadn’t read that book. Gary drove up the track and moved up to pass him on the right. Everybody gasped in shock. Nobody passed on the right side at Richmond. That was just an invitation to hit the wall. Gary moved forward, accelerating as he passed both cars on the right side, just skimming the wall by a half an inch. Clearing the lap car, he surged forward and cleared them both. There was a big roar in the booth. Now it was the final lap and Gary was passing cars left and right, putting cars a lap down as he drove by the checkered flag. It was over and Gary had won. Chaos broke out in the booth. Everybody was hugging and kissing everybody. On the screen the pit crew, with Shawn in the lead, were jumping over the wall and cheering. Lizzie grabbed Pam. “Let’s go down and see him!” Pam watched as Gary did 360’s on the track, spinning and causing a cloud of smoke to waft over the crowd. “No, I’d better not. I’ll just meet you guys later at the transporter.” Lizzie looked disappointed. “Chicken,” she taunted. Pam looked at Lizzie exasperated. “Lizzie.” Her voice held a warning. “Okay, okay, I give up.” Lizzie held her arms up at her side in surrender. Leaning forward she said, “You can’t avoid him forever.” Pam just looked away. “I’ll see you guys later.” ~ Gary was in victory lane, but he was still disappointed. Pam hadn’t come down to congratulate him. He was acting excited on behalf of his sponsors and crew, but it was a hollow victory without her. Part of him knew the only

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Melanie Anderson reason he was reckless enough to win was to show off for her. This was her victory. And she wasn’t there. Lizzie apologized, and told him Pam was tired. But he could tell Lizzie was making excuses for her. Pam was scared and avoiding him. Nathan was there, though, and that almost made up for it. He squeezed his son tight. “I guess you get the trophy.” “Really, Dad?” Nathan was jumping up and down. “Of course you do, I said you would, didn’t I?” Gary figured he could work something out. Nathan reached up for a hug and Gary leaned down. His child’s love helped him heal his broken heart a little bit. ~ Pam felt like a coward for not going to see Gary in victory lane. It was the least she could do since, he was the father of her child and she was proud of him. But she was drained mentally and physically and just wanted to go home so she could sort through her thoughts. She remembered another night when she wasn’t there in victory lane for him. It had been another night just like this, but in Daytona… ~ Lizzie and Pam had been sitting in the owner’s box watching Gary race. It was Gary’s second year racing and he was in the top ten of championship points. In this Daytona race he was currently in tenth place and going strong. Pam was huge in her ninth month of pregnancy. Her due date was in another two weeks and it couldn’t come fast enough for Pam. Although she was scared to death of delivery, she was exhausted. The pregnancy had been relatively easy, but traveling had made her tired. She hadn’t wanted Gary to leave her alone. She traveled with him wherever he went. He had been wonderful, attentive and kind throughout the entire

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On the Run pregnancy. Whatever she needed he got it for her yesterday. She had no complaints about her husband. Gary, on the other hand, probably had many complaints about her. She had been a total bitch since she had gotten pregnant. She hadn’t wanted to get pregnant this early. They had discussed it but had decided to wait. It might’ve been easier to avoid if they could have left their hands off each other for a minute. But, accidents happen… Too late now, Pam thought to herself. She had been feeling cramps all day. They reminded her of menstrual pains, but much worse. She was worried because she had a feeling she was going into labor. Not now, she willed the baby, Daddy’s only on the 48th lap. Hmm… She said to herself after the next pain, I guess he’s not listening. “Lizzie…” she mumbled. “Hmm?” Lizzie tore her eyes away from the track and looked over. “Yes, honey?” Pam was breathing hard now. Those little cramps were turning into blinding pain and she panted, “I. Think. It’s. Time…” Breathe in, she thought, breathe out. “To. Go. To. The. Hospital.” Lizzie looked over at her in shock for a heartbeat and then shrieked, “NOW?” Pam was holding her stomach, bowed over in pain. “Yes. NOW.” Lizzie started freaking out, running all over the place. “What do I do? What do I do?” Pam, even in her pain, managed to roll her eyes. “I suggest drive me to the hospital.” “But what about Gary? He’s racing. Who’s going to tell him?” Pam didn’t have time to deal with this. “Look, Lizzie.” She stopped for another pain. “He is racing in a car around a circle. What can he do? Just take me to the hospital.”

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Melanie Anderson Pam was talking slowly. She could feel her eyesight going out at the excruciating pain. If Lizzie didn’t step to it, she was going to have to deal with an unconscious person. Pam always was a sissy when it came to pain. Finally, she thought, as she felt Lizzie’s arm helping her up. Pam managed to open her eyes enough to watch where she was walking. She watched her feet carefully and breathed though the pain. “Fuck this,” she hissed, “I need drugs.” Lizzie was opening the door to their Explorer. “It’s okay sweetie, you’re doing great. Now, you’re going to have to step up.” Pam gathered all the resources she had left and stepped up into the vehicle. “Ooooh…” she moaned. “Pain…” Lizzie jumped into the other side yelling, “Hold on. We’re going to have our own little race.” Pam managed to joke, “Do I get a trophy?” Lizzie said, “No, just a lifetime with a baby who will be like you and Gary.” “God help me,” Pam panted as she felt the next pain come on. ~ Hours later, Pam was in full-fledged labor but she had an epidermal that helped cut down on the pain. Lizzie was standing over her, holding her hand, and helping her breath. Pam felt a lot calmer now. Probably because she was buzzing, she thought to herself. She was only dilated seven centimeters; she still had three more to go. The doctors were coming in every couple of minutes to check on her. “Turn on the television,” she told Lizzie, “I want to see how Gary’s doing.” Lizzie walked over to the television in the corner and changed channels until she found the race. Gary was in second place and the race was almost over. They were watching it for a couple of minutes when the announcer

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On the Run said, “We just got word that Gary Fisher’s wife, Pam, is at Daytona Hospital in labor with their first child. We intercepted this from the pit crew radio: “Gary,” It was Shawn. “Yes?” Gary grunted, his voice agitated. “What do you want?” “Uh, I hate to tell you this right now, but Pam’s in labor.” “WHAT?” “She’s in Daytona Hospital right now, man.” “Why didn’t someone tell me?” “You were racing, dude” “So? I could’ve parked this sucker.” “Gary. You’re almost done. Let’s just win this race.” “Damn right I am. Then I’m going to get out of this car and kick your ass.” “Ten-four,” Shawn said. “He sounds kind of upset, doesn’t he, Don?” The two announcers started laughing. “I think this is going to be a rushed delivery.” Pam looked over at Lizzie. “How did they find out?” Lizzie shrugged her shoulders. “The people in the box must have told someone.” Gary’s parents hadn’t been at the race that weekend since they were on vacation in California. Pam had already called them and they were taking the next flight out. Pam’s parents were en-route to the hospital. The doctor came back that moment and checked her. “Well Pam, are you ready to race this little guy into the world?” Pam groaned at the bad joke, then grunted, “No.” ~ Nathan had been born at 9:20 after Pam had pushed for hours. Gary managed to walk in, with the win, right after Nathan came out. He was there when Nathan opened his eyes for the first time.

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Melanie Anderson That was the only time she had missed seeing him win before Nathan was born. After that, she had only been there when she could. Now, waiting for them to meet her at the trailer, she thought about what would have happened if only things could have ended differently. Had she made a mistake? ~ As Gary drove home that night, he reflected on his day. It had been good and bad. He was happy he had won, of course. After all, that was what racing was about. Making love to Pam had been indescribable. Yet the gulf that remained between them seemed too wide to cross. One question still remained in his mind. How was he going to get her back?

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On the Run

Chapter 7 The car on the way home from the race was quiet. Pam was driving and Lizzie was flipping though the radio stations looking for some eighties music. Nathan was in the back seat asleep from exhaustion. It had been a long weekend for the little guy. Lizzie found George Michael’s “Faith” on the radio and sat back. Driving down the road, they both lip-synched to the music. After the song went off, the station switched to a commercial, Lizzie reached forward to turn the radio off. Taking a look in the back to ensure Nathan was sleeping, she turned back to Pam. “Okay, spill.” “I don’t know what to say.” She stared at the road collecting her thoughts. “It was incredible.” “Real—ly,” Lizzie drawled out. “Just like the old days.” “And you had the,” she motioned with her hand, “you know…” “Are you talking about an orgasm?” Lizzie flopped back in her seat. “Of course that’s what I’m talking about.” Pam smiled. “Oh, yeah.” She was getting hot just thinking about it. Lizzie started fanning her face. “You lucky duck. So does that mean you’re back together?” “No.” Pam denied. “That is not what it means.” Lizzie sounded confused. “So how did you end up sleeping with him?” Pam sighed. “I don’t know. I’d love to say I was drunk, but I only had two beers. I guess he just swept me off my feet. Or I was just horny. I really couldn’t tell you.” Lizzie seemed to digest this for a while. “I really think you two should get back together. He still loves you. It’s obvious.”

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Melanie Anderson Pam knew that love had never been their problem. She was the problem. “I doubt it.” “Well, honey, I know you will work this out in your mind, but please do not lead him on believing there will be reconciliation if you don’t want one. You’ve already broken his heart once.” That hurt, but she knew it was true. Lizzie was never one to sugar coat the truth to her. That was why she was such a good friend. “I know, Lizzie, but I’m not trying to lead him on. Last night was a fluke. A one night stand. I’m not going to let it happen again.” Lizzie smiled. “Famous last words…” “Haha.” “Anyway,” Lizzie said, “I wanted to let you know that I’m going to go stay at my parents when we get home.” Pam whipped her head around in surprise, then turned back to the road. “Why?” “Well, Pammie, you know I love you and Nathan to death, but my parents aren’t getting any younger and it would be better if I helped them out while I’m working this thing out with Andrew.” Pam was disappointed, but she knew Lizzie was right. Lizzie had been an unplanned child for her parents when they were in their early forties. They loved her and spoiled her, but they were getting up in the years and they always needed help. “Okay, if that’s what you want, but I’m really going to miss you.” Pam was surprised to feel tears in her eyes. It had been so nice to have Lizzie staying with her to help out with Nathan and to talk to. “Oh, sweetie, I’m going to miss you, too. Look, I have some more advice for you. I know you are adamant about your feelings on your marriage with Gary, but I think you should really get some counseling. Your feelings really aren’t healthy. You need Gary.”

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On the Run Pam felt the urge to cry. It was true, she had been depressed and lonely since Gary left, and she also knew Lizzie was right, she should get some counseling. She really should have gotten some before the divorce, but now it was too late and she just felt humiliated. How could she tell people the crazy thoughts in her head? She had been brought up believing psychologists were for crazy people and she was afraid to trust them. What could they tell her about herself that she didn’t already know? What if she really was crazy? “I’ll think about it,” she told Lizzie. She really would think about it. ~ It was the Monday after the race. Lizzie had left, leaving behind a lonely house, and still Pam was no closer to an answer. Pam kept herself busy, working and spending all her time at home with Nathan, to avoid thinking about anything at all. But it was there at all times, like a monkey on her back. “Nate, have you finished your homework yet?” Pam walked into her son’s room, stepping over gigantic piles of clothes and junk to get to his bed. After sitting down, she leaned over to look at what he was doing. He was writing his spelling words, slowly and meticulously. “How’s it going?” He looked up. “Good.” He leaned over again, and continued to write, his face almost touching the paper. She stood up, started picking up dirty clothes and tossing them into his hamper. She really did need to wash some clothes. Hmm… Later, she thought, much later. “Do you need any help?” Looking around, she contemplated picking up some toys, too, but changed her mind. That would be a little too much like work. She sat back down on the bed and leaned back against the headboard. Nathan looked over at her. “What are you doing, Mom?”

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Melanie Anderson Talk about not feeling wanted, she thought. “I’m sitting here in case you need help with your homework.” He gave her a skeptical look, but obviously decided to let that one go and went back to working on his homework. They sat in silence for a couple minutes. The only sound the scratching of Nathan’s pencil on the paper. Finally, he looked up. “Mom?” “Yes?” He scratched his head then asked, “Why doesn’t Dad live here?” She was shocked by the question since she had explained to him about the divorce many times over the years. “You know your father and I are divorced, Nathan.” He unfolded his legs. “I know, Mom, but why are you divorced?” “Nathan, Dad and I love each other but not in the way married people love each other.” Lies, she thought, I’m lying to my son. “But Dad loves me,” Nathan explained. “And he loves you, too.” Oh, Nathan, she thought, if only it was that simple. “Nathan, I know your dad loves you. He loves you a lot. But he can’t live here.” Nathan was getting agitated, standing up on his knees and pleading his case. “But Mom, I want both of you here all the time” Oh, Nate why are you breaking my heart? What am I doing to you? “Honey, you know that even if Dad lived here, he wouldn’t be here all the time. He travels all over the place, racing.” A suspicious noise came from Nathan and he started giggling. Pam smiled, feeling like she got a reprieve. “Did you fart?” He was giggling so hard he couldn’t talk, so he just nodded.

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On the Run “Ewww…” she pinched her noise. “Yuck.” He started laughing harder. “I’m dying…help…I’m dying.” Pam did a mock swoon on his bed. Nate jumped on top of her, still laughing. They rolled around with Pam pretending like she was trying to get away from him. After their laughter died, they laid in his bed staring at the ceiling, exhausted. The only sound was his hamster, Jimmy, running in his cage and a stray giggle from Nathan. She turned serious when she thought of what Nathan was talking about before the distraction. She wanted to let it go, but had to say one last thing. “Nate, you know I love you, right?” “I love you, too, Mom.” She got up and playfully pinched him. “I’m going downstairs now, you finish that homework.” As she was walking out the door, he said, “I still want Dad to live here with us.” Pam turned. “I know, Nate, but it’s just not possible.” She closed the door behind her. ~ Gary was at a sponsor’s meeting, only half listening to what everyone was saying. He already knew what he had to do and they always said the same thing. Should he call her? It had been three days since they had been together, and he couldn’t stop thinking about her. Every night he found himself reaching for the phone, but always stopped, full of doubt. What if she didn’t want to talk to him? He knew she had regrets, which was probably why she hadn’t been in victory lane with him. But he didn’t know how she could deny her feelings for him. It was Tuesday and his meeting was in North Carolina at the sponsor’s headquarters. His next race was in New

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Melanie Anderson Hampshire, but he didn’t have to be there until Thursday. He was distracted and irritable and just a pain to be around. Just that morning Shawn had given him the finger after a particularly loud argument they had over who was the sexiest, Julia Roberts or Sandra Bullock. They had almost come to blows. He didn’t care what Shawn said, he still thought it was Sandra Bullock. Finally, the meeting came to an end and everybody started standing up. He grabbed his jacket off the back of his chair and thought, Fuck this. I’m going to see her. ~ Pam lay in bed trying to sleep. There was a storm brewing outside her windows and one was brewing inside her as well. She wasn’t sure how much longer she was going to keep it all together without losing it. So many thoughts floating around her mind and none of them made any sense. The thunder was booming and lightning brightened the sky outside her window. Rain was lashing against the house and all of it together was increasing her anxiety. Suddenly there was a pounding noise outside. At first she dismissed it, assuming it was a tree branch hitting the outside of her house, until she realized it was coming from the door downstairs. She got up and slowly moved over to her closet. Reaching up, she grabbed her lock box off the top shelf. The pounding was getting louder and louder. Shit, she thought, whose at the door? She put the lock box on the bed then reached up on the windowsill. After pulling down a key, she inserted it in the lock on the box and opened the box. Inside was her gun. It was small gun, a .38 special—small enough for a woman, made for a man. She never loaded it; she just liked having it to back up any threats she might have to make. Putting the gun into the waistband of her sweatpants, she prayed that Nathan would stay asleep and safe in his room. She knew it could be one of her neighbors seeing

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On the Run how she was doing in the storm. All of them knew she lived alone— Wait a minute, was that a good thing? As Pam walked down the stairs, she could see lightning flashing though the windows, lighting up the downstairs foyer. Despite that, she still couldn’t see anybody through the panes on the side of the double doors. Tiptoeing down the rest of the steps, she walked across the foyer and stopped. Moving slowly so whomever it was couldn’t know she was there, she leaned over to look out the side window. At first all she saw was a wall of water that obscured her vision. The wind was still lashing the rain all over the place making visibility zilch. After a wind gust died down, she could finally see out the window. It was Gary. Oh, my God, Pam thought, what was he doing here? Shit. She looked bad. Not only that, but Nathan was home. What would he do? Gary hadn’t been back to the house since the divorce. Pam realized that she had been standing there for a couple minutes, motionless. Boom, boom. The door shook as Gary pounded on it. She reached up and unbolted the dead bolt. Reaching for the knob she turned it, thinking, Here goes nothing… ~ Gary stood outside the door with rain streaming down his face, but he didn’t care. This was a long time coming. If she thought that she would just sleep with him then run out, then she was dead wrong. The door opened slowly, then there she was, her eyes wide open in shock, her face as white as a sheet. Her hair was sticking up in tufts, and she was wearing a T-shirt with sweatpants that were bulging with a… Gun? He looked up at her, then raised an eyebrow. “Are you going to shoot me?” “I might.” Her voice was dead sober. “What are you doing here, Gary?”

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Melanie Anderson He gave her a cryptic smile. “Can I come in? I’m soaking wet here.” She looked at him in silence for about five seconds. “Fine, come in.” She waved him into the house with an air of defeat. He walked past her and she followed behind, closing the door hard. She started to fold her arms over her stomach, then seemed to remember the gun, and pulled it out. She held it in her hands and stared at it for a second. Finally, she looked back up at him. “Can you wait? I need to put this away.” He nodded his head. “Go ahead.” Her smile was crooked. “Make yourself at home.” Pam walked past him to the steps and up to the next floor. He stood in the foyer for a minute listening to her moving around upstairs. He moved forward into the living room and looked around, noticing the few minor changes since the last time he’d been there. He tried not to think of that night as he walked through the living room into the kitchen. “Gordon,” he whispered, seeing the cat curled up in a ball on the floor, sleeping. They had bought the cat for Nathan when he was three years old, right before the divorce. He was a orange tabby cat with a cranky disposition, but had always loved Nathan. Gary remembered how he would always sleep by Nathan, guarding him at night. He patted Gordon’s head, but the cat didn’t stir. Walking out of the kitchen, he went back through the living room and back into the foyer, just as Pam was coming back down the stairs. She stopped in front of him. He really didn’t like the way she was acting, like he was going to attack her. “Relax, I just came to talk.” She looked at the grandfather clock in the foyer. “At 12:30 at night?”

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On the Run He shifted his stance. “You know how tight my schedule is during racing season. With the storm it was hell driving up here. I just need to talk to you.” She walked passed him to the living room entryway. “Well, you could have called. I could have told you then that we didn’t have anything to talk about.” He felt dangerous anger start welling up inside him. “What do you mean we have nothing to talk about?” She sat down on the bench in the foyer. “Actually, I did want to apologize to you. I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong idea on Saturday. Just because I slept with you didn’t mean I wanted to get back together.” Now he was angry. “Oh, really…so you just used me then?” She flapped her hands. “No, I did not use you. I thought it was a mutual decision between two adults. I didn’t think you would get carried away.” “Carried away?” He moved forward until his knees were touching hers, then kneeled down until they were eye level. “Carried away?” He asked again, his voice growing louder in the quiet house. She was starting to look a little nervous now. She lifted her hands in defense, attempting to push him way. “Yes, carried away. You read too much into us sleeping together.” He laughed humorlessly and shook his head. “You really are too much, you know that?” She lifted her chin. “I still don’t know why you are here.” He moved forward until his mouth was a breath away from hers, his eyes on her lips. “Maybe I came to test you.” She stuttered. “T—test me?” His gaze moved from her lips back to her eyes, “See, I think that if I kissed you right now, you’d kiss me back. I think that if I tried to fuck you right here in this foyer, you’d do it.”

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Melanie Anderson “No, I wouldn’t,” she tried to say defiantly, but a small tremor escaped anyway. He kissed her softly on the lips and muttered, “You wanna bet?”

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Chapter 8 Pam’s heart was beating a mile a minute. Damn him, she thought, Why does he keep doing this to me? “We can’t do that in the foyer,” she said, a little breathless. “Nathan’s upstairs.” He moved back. “But you have to admit you’re tempted.” “I don’t have to admit anything, because I’m not.” What a lie. He threw his head back and let out a full-throated laugh before looking back at her to say, “Pam, don’t lie to me. I know you better than that. I can see it. Your face is flushed and your pulse is going a mile a minute.” His face got serious again as he leaned forward and whispered in her ear, “I know everything you like. You will never find anyone who can turn you on like me.” He blew softly in her ear and she shivered. “Why do you always think that sex is going to solve everything? You come here to talk and so far all you’ve talked about is doing it with me in this foyer.” She was getting angry. He was turning her inside out and he knew it. “I’m just trying to show you that there is still something between us.” He stood up and started pacing back and forth across the length of the foyer. She stood up as well and leaned back against the entranceway to the living room. “Gary, I really hate to tell you that this was a wasted trip, but it was. I’m not going to sleep with you. I’ve said everything I’m going to say.” He stopped pacing and looked back at her. “Is it someone else? Is that why you slept with me and ran? I don’t understand what’s going on because I’ve never known you to have one-night stands. Is this something new you’ve started?” She moved away from the wall and threw her arms up in exasperation, “Damn it, Gary. I’m not seeing someone

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Melanie Anderson else. I don’t usually have one-night stands—not that it’s any of your business. I just don’t want to talk about this.” Gary started rubbing his face, showing how tired he was. Pam felt a twinge of sympathy. “Pam, can I please sit down? I promise I won’t put my hands on you, but I’m just tired. I drove a long way without stopping.” Pam could clearly see the fatigue in his eyes. “Gary—look, it’s late, I don’t want you to fall asleep behind the wheel. Why don’t you just lie down on the couch and get some sleep?” He dropped his head in defeat. “I’m never going to get the answers I want, am I?” Pam looked down at his head, feeling for what she was putting him through, but unable to change it. “I can’t give you answers that I don’t have.” Back in bed again for the second time that night, Pam found she still couldn’t sleep. Knowing that Gary was downstairs was driving her crazy. So close, so accessible. Gary had really wrung her out dry tonight, going around and around on the same subject. Maybe she should tell him the real reason and end it once and for all. She could still remember when it all started. ~ It had been four in the morning and Gary wasn’t home yet. Nathan was two, almost three, at the time and sleeping soundly in the next room. Back than, they’d been living in a luxury apartment in Raleigh, North Carolina. Gary’s career had been looking up, despite a recent slew of bad accidents and not winning the championship…yet. Pam had been waiting up for him to come home from his recent race in Martinsville. She usually didn’t wait up for him, but tonight she couldn’t sleep. She had watched in shock and terror when he was involved in a hellish accident involving ten cars. Shawn had called her on the telephone to say he was driving home since Gary had a slight concussion and they didn’t think he should drive himself. Shawn had also told her that Gary had wanted to get back

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On the Run out on the racetrack and that it had taken about five men in the in-field health center to hold him back. While she waited, she was watching some infocommercials on television, simply because she’d been too lazy to change the channel. Staring blankly at the screen she waited for Gary to walk in. The entire time she waited, one thought went screaming through her mind; Gary could have died tonight. Suddenly, without warning, she’d started feeling pains in her chest. At first she had ignored it, just assuming it was indigestion. But then as time wore on, her left arm had started hurting as well. She had started freaking out, thinking; I’m having a heart attack. Standing up, she had started pacing, growing more and more anxious. “I’m going to die,” she started saying out loud, over and over again. She tried to remember everything she had heard about heart attacks. Shouldn’t I be losing consciousness? She’d thought, franticly. Her heart was beating rapidly and her insides had felt like they were shaking. She couldn’t believe it. She’d thought about calling a doctor and dismissed it. She didn’t know what it was. What if it was a false alarm? What about Nathan? It could still be indigestion. “It’s indigestion…it’s indigestion,” she started chanting desperately. She had wanted to wake up Nathan just to see if he was all right. This is crazy, she had thought. Breathing slowly she had rolled up in the fetal position, covered her ears and prayed. The next thing she could remember was Gary walking into the apartment with Shawn behind him. ~ “Pam?” Gary was whispering outside her door. Pam slowly sat up. She had been so wrapped up in her memories of that night, she felt like it was happening all over again. “Yes,” she croaked out. Clearing her throat,

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Melanie Anderson she realized what she was feeling was much different than that night. Her heart was beating fast but for entirely different reasons this time. “Can I come in for a second?” The door started to creak open. Nathan. He’s going to wake up Nathan. How would she explain why his father was there in the middle of the night? “Come in,” she snapped. Gary stepped in and immediately the room was filled with his presence. Just like the old days, she thought with a shudder. ~ Walking into his old room, Gary took a moment to look around. Unlike the downstairs, the bedroom had been given a major overhaul. The bed, which used to be a king size with a big oak headboard, was now a double sized bed with a canopy. The color of the room was mauve when before it had been a cream color. The whole room smelled like her, flowers and the mysterious smell that was all Pam. He took a big breath. God, he missed it. She looked like a nervous virgin with the covers pulled up to her chin. Her hair was sticking up more than ever and there was a line of anxiety between her eyes. “What do you want, Gary?” He sat down on a vanity chair, which was across the room from where she was lying. “I couldn’t sleep. I was bone tired when I pulled up here, but now I can’t sleep.” “Did you try making some hot milk?” she asked. He felt defeated, mentally and physically. All of her walls were up and there was no breaking through. He loved this woman so much it hurt. He loved her, despite her sarcasm, despite her strong will and plain old stubbornness. He knew that all these years he had been fooling himself into thinking he could live without her. “Can I lay with you?” “No!” she exclaimed, then stuttered, “I—I mean why would you?”

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On the Run He held up his hands. “I don’t mean have sex with you. I just want to lay with you one more time before I leave again.” She didn’t answer at first. “I don’t know…” “Please, I mean it, no sex. I don’t even have to touch you and I’ll be out before Nathan wakes up.” He hated that he was begging for this little bit, but he did mean what he’d said. No sex and after this he would have to leave her alone. At least until he could think of a new way to get her back. She sighed heavily. “Gary, I’m really tired. If you want to sleep in this bed, then go ahead. I don’t want to argue with you anymore. Just no touching, okay?” He quickly pulled his pants off, leaving his shirt on. Pam pulled down the blanket and he got in. He laid there quietly for a couple of minutes. “Thank you, Pam.” “You’re welcome,” she mumbled. Despite his fatigue, sleep did not come easily. About fifteen minutes later, he rolled over and gazed at Pam, her face serene in sleep. She was lying on her side with her hands in fists like a baby, her hair flattened against her skull. He brushed a stray strand from her cheek, then moved his lips close to hers to give her a kiss, whispering, “You will never find someone who loves you as much as I do.” He received no response. ~ Sometime in the middle of the night, a sniffling sound woke Gary up. Gary looked around, thinking it was Gordon, then realized it was Pam crying softly to herself. Rolling over, he wrapped his arm around her, his only instinct to help her in some way. He crooned in her ear. “Ssh. Pam, what’s wrong?” The sniffing came to an abrupt stop. “Nothing,” she paused. “I don’t know.”

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Melanie Anderson “Honey, I don’t know how to help you if you won’t tell me.” She was silent except for a few sniffles. Finally, in a soft whisper she said, “I’m so lonely.” His heart broke a little. “You don’t have to be.” She was crying again. “I know, but believe me you don’t want me. There is something wrong with me.” He snorted. “You don’t even know how much I want you. I always thought you were fine, just the way you are.” Pam just started crying a little harder, “Oh yes, there is something wrong with me.” “What?” Quiet. “Do you trust me, Gary?” He found her hand and squeezed it. “Of course I do.” “Well, can you trust me when I say that I will work it out and then tell you?” He was getting worried. “What is it? Is it serious?” “I don’t know.” When he sat up, she quickly said, “Oh, no, Gary, there is nothing wrong with me like that, I don’t have cancer or anything that serious.” He lay back down again, relieved to hear that, yet still not understanding what she was trying to say. He knew it was important to her, but she was being so vague. He was leaning over her on his elbows when she looked up at him. Her face was dead serious. “Just give me some time to work out some issues I’m having. As soon as I do that, then I will let you know.” “Will you?” He paused. “You’d better not be messing with me.” She touched his face. “Gary, this is something I should’ve done a long time ago. I’m tired of running now. I promise I won’t let you down. He leaned down and kissed her gently on the lips. “I believe you.” When he kissed her again it turned into something deeper, more intense, but he didn’t want to break his

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On the Run promise so he pulled away. She made a small mewing noise, then pulled him back. Together they christened the night. ~ The next morning he was gone. The alarm woke her up at her usual time: 6:30. Rolling over, she felt the empty space next to her and mourned his absence. She pulled his pillow to her face and breathed deeply, absorbing his smell. The ache just wouldn’t go away. “I need help,” she whispered, “And I’m going to find it.” She was tired of being a coward, hiding out from her problems. If she was ever going to get her husband back then she had to do it. No matter how scared she was.

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Chapter 9 After telling her story to the doctor, Pam was waiting for him to speak. “You’re having panic attacks.” Dr. Andrews sat back then seemed to wait for Pam’s response. She just stared at him. Could it be that simple? “Okay, then how come I only get them once in awhile? They usually happened when Gary or Nathan weren’t with me. . I don’t understand.” “You said they happened a lot when Gary was racing?” Pam nodded. “And when Nathan would leave to go visit his father? She nodded again. Dr. Andrews smoothed out his moustache, then leaned forward. “I’m not a psychologist, but I’d think that you are scared of what you can’t control. When someone you love is not with you, you panic.” It hadn’t been until Wednesday that she could get an appointment. Life had gone to hell after Gary left, starting with an attack on Tuesday. She had managed to hide it from her co-workers, but she knew that she couldn’t put off seeing a doctor. The time had come. Dr. Andrews had been her doctor since she was a teenager and she trusted him more than any other doctor. He was just the kind of doctor who actually cared about his patients. He was in his early forties, tall and balding but with a moustache that made him look distinguished. What she loved the most about him was his gentle smile. “I guess that makes sense. The first one I had was when Gary had gotten in that really terrible accident, but why does it feel like I’m having a heart attack?” “Panic attacks have many of the same symptoms as a heart attack. Chest pain, arm pain, shortness of breath,

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On the Run among other things. It could also be indigestion and I can check for that for you if you like. But I have a feeling that what you are describing to me are panic attacks or anxiety attacks. From what I’ve read, most people who have panic attacks have a tendency to avoid situations where the panic attacks occur. In your case that would be your marriage. You didn’t like the panic attacks, they seemed to occur more frequently when you were married, so you ran.” He leaned forward and began to write in her chart. “Actually one of the reasons I got a divorced was because I was ashamed, thinking I was crazy or sick or both, and didn’t want Gary to see me that way.” He stood up. “I’m going have my nurse run some tests to rule out indigestion. But my best advice to you would be to see a psychologist. That person can prescribe medication, or if you don’t want that, they can offer some sort of therapy. Pam, you’re a good person who is just scared, but I think you’ll be okay. I’ve been seeing you for all these years and I can assure you that you are not crazy.” He leaned forward and patted her on the shoulder and grinned. “And that’s my official diagnosis. You’re not crazy.” “Thank you, Dr. Andrews.” She stood up, smiled at him, then shook his hand. He started to walk out the door then turned back to her. “Next time Pam, please see me before changing your life this drastically. Don’t wait five years.” “I will.” ~ Gary had decided to leave Pam alone for a while. He was dying to know what was so awful she couldn’t tell him, but knew if pushed she would retreat and then the situation would be worse. Damn her stubborn hide. He had just finished his weekly teleconference about the upcoming race and was now home enjoying his only free time before he had to leave to go to Talladega.

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Melanie Anderson His house was a three-story monstrosity he had built in the hopes that Pam and Nathan would move in, but instead he rattled around in it alone. He had a housekeeper and gardener who lived there all week so that he didn’t have to worry about the house looking empty. At the moment he was sitting in his study watching a show about weapons used during World War II on the History Channel. He liked watching shows about history, but his mind was on other things. He could hear Anne vacuuming in some far off room. Anne was his housekeeper and she was somewhere in her sixties or seventies…nobody knew. She was a bit of a grump, but she took care of the house like it was her own and he trusted her implicitly. Anne was a little too old to clean his big house all by herself, so he had a cleaning service come in once a week to take care of the major cleaning. A retired chef who was tired of cooking for strangers, her favorite room was the kitchen, where she could just make smaller meals for Carlo and for Gary when he was home. That didn’t mean if he decided to have a dinner party, she wouldn’t jump in with a gusto. She loved showing off when she could. Carlo was his groundskeeper and all around fix-it man. He was an older gentleman who used to be a mechanic for Gary’s car owner, Tyler Jones. But even after he retired, he was always at the shop puttering around. When Gary noticed that the man seemed bored, he had asked him to come live at his house and help out. It was a perfect arrangement because Gary collected old Harley Davidsons and whenever he found a new one to restore, Carlo would spend his time working on it. Anne and Carlo lived in mutual respect that bordered on hostility, and Gary often thought that they should just rent a room and get it over with. It might help break the tension that was always there whenever the two were in the same room together.

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On the Run Despite all this, the one thing all three of them agreed on was their love for Nathan. Thus when Nathan came to stay, he was spoiled shamelessly. Gary had a huge playroom that filled the whole third floor. It included Nate’s bedroom, which held a bed shaped like a car (of course), and a small kitchen, which had a refrigerator and microwave. In the backyard there was not only a pool but also a go-cart racetrack, his pride and joy. All of his friends, racecar drivers or not, came over to race on their free weekends. Nathan loved it, too, despite the fact that he had to hide it from Pam. Fortunately Pam had never been to his house and was unaware of the track. She really did have a thing against Nathan racing. “Mr. Foster?” Anne was standing at the doorway in her unofficial uniform of stiff dresses with no color and her hair pulled back in its usual tight bun. She was tall and stick-thin, like an old matronly teacher and as far as he knew she had never been married nor had children. “Yes, Anne?” Gary turned his Lazy Boy around to face her. “You had a phone call earlier when you went out to talk to Carlo.” The inflection she put on Carlo’s name made it sound like he had been talking to Hitler. Wait—a phone call? “Was it Pam?” “No, sir, it was your mother. She wants you to call her back when you get a chance.” It was really depressing that the only women that wanted to talk to him were his housekeeper and mother. Walking down the long central hallway, he passed the doorway to the solarium, the library, and all the other rooms that were, for the most part, unused. He couldn’t help but remember how excited he was when he had the plans made, thinking only of Pam and Nathan living here, hopefully with the other children they would have. Gary went into his bedroom, sat down on his bed and looked over at their wedding picture. It was on his

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Melanie Anderson nightstand where it had been since the bedroom had been finished. He had so few women or friends back to this house, he hadn’t been worried about anyone seeing it. They probably would’ve thought it was crazy to keep a picture of a woman who wanted nothing to do with him. In the picture, Pam was wearing a sexy white low cut dress that had been the style back then. She had gotten her hair styled, pulled back and pinned up high, not her usual untamed look. Gary remembered almost missing that look on her. Yet she had the same look in her eyes, and her mouth was quirked on one side like she knew some joke they weren’t aware of, Gary thought he looked embarrassed but happy. He was wearing a rented suit. His face held a sheepish smile and his much-hated dimples were showing. Despite the highly publicized proposal, they had decided against a public wedding and instead opted to get their whole family and closest friends together and get married in Las Vegas. Everybody had fun and it didn’t take any time away from Gary’s racing. They had been married on the 26th of November, the day before Thanksgiving. It had been a nice break to get away from the cold in the East and travel to a warmer climate. Gary couldn’t remember a time when he was more content than that day. Not even his first win had compared to the feeling of becoming Pam’s husband for life. Unfortunately it had turned out to be a lot shorter than he had thought. ~ Pam was using a break at work to call Lizzie and hoped no one could hear her conversation since she didn’t want everyone to know she had mental problems. She needed to meet and talk with the only person who would understand. “What’s up, sweetheart?” Lizzie asked when she answered the phone.

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On the Run “You know this problem I have…the one that made me lose Gary?” She lowered her voice even more, never knowing who could hear her through the paper-thin walls of her cubicle. The reason she knew other people could hear her was because she could hear them. She knew way too much about her coworkers’ problems. “Of course I do.” “I finally went to my doctor.” Lizzie’s voice raised up to almost a shriek, “Oh honey, that’s great. I’m so proud of you. What did he say?” Pam looked around, then whispered, “Can we meet somewhere and talk about it?” “Is it serious?” Lizzie asked, her voice anxious. “No, no,” Pam quickly denied. “It’s just personal and I don’t need,” she murmured even lower, “these people to know about it.” “Yeah, there is nothing like nosy co-workers. Do you want me to meet you somewhere?” “Let me see if Susan can watch Nathan a few more hours this evening and I’ll meet you at Woof’s.” “Sure, I can get away. How about six?” Lizzie sounded busy and Pam could hear someone talking to her in the background. “I’ll see you then,” Pam said quickly. “Six at Woof’s.” After getting off the phone, Pam sat lost in thought for a moment, the voices around her busy at work, but they sounded far off and dreamlike. She felt miserable and confused and glad she had an appointment with a psychologist Dr. Andrews had recommended for next week. What if she wanted her to go on medication? She hated the thought of medication. Hopefully there would be alternatives. Panic attacks. It might seem minor to some, but still, why her? ~ Walking into Woof’s that evening, Pam quickly looked around for Lizzie then when she didn’t see her, walked over to the bar to talk to Wolfman. Woof’s was a

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Melanie Anderson dive bar that was owned by one of the few heavy-metal friends they had kept from their younger days. Wolfman, as everyone called him, was a great guy who always welcomed them with opened arms and they tried to go to his bar as much as possible to support him. When she spotted him, she could see he was talking to another man at the bar who looked vaguely familiar then she realized it was— “Oh my God,” she said. It was Tom, an ex-boyfriend she had before she met Gary and not someone she had ever thought she’d see again. “Tom? Is that you?” Looking away from Wolfman, Tom stared at her for a moment. “Pam?” His voice held his disbelief. “Yes, it’s Pam,” she hugged him. “How are you?” A big smile was on his face when he answered. “I’m good, how the hell are you?” She shrugged her shoulders. “Well, you know, same old, same old.” Pam looked Tom over and realized he looked almost exactly the same as he did when they went out. His blond hair was still long, past his shoulders, and his eyes were the same ice blue except for a few lines around them. His shoulders were still broad, stretching his T-shirt, and he was smiling at her with his perfect white teeth glowing in the light from the bar. “Do you live around here?” Tom asked. Wolfman patted her on the shoulder friendly-like, then to Tom said “Of course she does, and she’s my best customer.” Wolfman turned to Pam. “What brings you out on a work night?” He reached behind the bar to get Pam’s usual beer, opened it, and handed it to her. Pam wasn’t planning on drinking, but figured one beer would be okay. “I’m meeting Lizzie here tonight.” She scanned the rest of the bar but didn’t see Lizzie yet. Tom leaned over closer to her. “Are you still married to that racer, what’s his name, Gary?” He asked with a

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On the Run sneer in his voice. Pam knew he had always been pissed that she had started dating him so soon after they broke up which led to a lot of bad blood between the two men. Pam felt uncomfortable, knowing that Wolfman was Gary’s friend, too. In fact, Gary had helped Wolfman finance this bar back when they had all hung out together, before racing had taken them out of this area. “No, we divorced awhile ago.” She tried to keep her voice factual, not encouraging. She didn’t know if Tom was married or not, but she didn’t want him to think she was open to starting something, especially not in front of Wolfman. She had enough problems right now. “Oh, well, that’s good,” Tom said. Pam wasn’t sure if that was true or not and was about to say something about how she might get back together with him, when she saw Lizzie coming in the door. She was with somebody else and Pam’s heart was starting to sink when she realized who it was. “Brenda!” Ecstatic, she ran over and gave Brenda a big hug. Brenda looked a lot different than she had back in the day. Her black hair was cut short in a shag and she had gained a little weight. She was happily married with three kids, which was why Lizzie and Pam hardly ever saw her anymore. Pulling back, she looked into Brenda’s eyes. “Well, this is a surprise… Kind of like a reunion.” Lizzie smiled and hugged Pam. “Yeah, well we couldn’t have this discussion without the three stooges; I thought it would be easier if you had all the support you could.” Pam grabbed Lizzie and Brenda’s hands, “Of course it’s better. I just didn’t think Brenda could get away.” Even though Pam kept in touch with Brenda, they could never seem to get together. Brenda gave her a mock look of anger. “How dare you think I wouldn’t get away when one of my friends has problems. What, do you think I’m chained to my husband and kids?”

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Melanie Anderson Pam and Lizzie looked at each other, laughed then said at once, “Yes.” Brenda tried to look mad, then started laughing, “Well, you’re both probably right, but not this time.” Pam stopped laughing then looked around. “You’re both in for a bigger surprise. Tom’s here.” They both looked confused for a moment, then Brenda said, “That Tom, your Tom?” “No, not my Tom. He hasn’t been mine for a very long while now.” Lizzie looked around and when she spotted him, turned back. “Well this should make things interesting.” Pam rolled her eyes. Lizzie loved drama. “No, I don’t think so.” Brenda started pulling Pam toward their table saying, “Ignore Lizzie, come over here and tell us your problem. You know you belong with Gary. Whatever it is, we need to fix it so you can get back with him as soon as possible.” Brenda and Pam sat down and Lizzie followed, still looking back at the bar. “I can’t believe that’s Tom,” Lizzie said, “He looks exactly the same.” Brenda looked impatient. “Would you stop worrying about Tom and sit down. We’re here about Pam tonight.” Lizzie gave her a hurt look. “Well, of course we are. You know that I’m here for Pam, I’ve always been there for Pam.” “You’ve both been there for me,” she said, soothing the waters. “And it shocked me just as much as Lizzie when I saw Tom.” Mollified, Lizzie sat down and looked around. Like magic, Wolfman appeared and started flirting with Lizzie, “Hey, doll-face, where have you been all my life?” “Waiting for you,” she shamelessly flirted back. “When are we going to have that hot affair?” Brenda and Pam looked at each and both shook their heads. Lizzie and Wolfman had been flirting as long as both of them could remember. Pam had actually thought

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On the Run they should get together at one point. Wolfman was a lot nicer than a lot of the losers she dated. “Whenever you say the word,” Wolfman responded, then looked at the whole table. “What can I get you beautiful ladies?” Noticing Brenda, he said, “Hey, Brenda, nice to see you again, it’s been awhile.” Brenda smiled, her face perking up. “Hey, Wolfman, it’s great to see you, too. I’ll just have a white wine.” He looked at Lizzie. “Your usual, darling?” Lizzie winked. “Of course, honey, you know what I like,” she said, flirting shamelessly. Pam started laughing; she couldn’t help it. They were awful. Wolfman was smiling to himself as he looked at Pam. “What do you say, Pam? You okay?” Pam held up her beer. “I’m good, Wolfie.” “I’ll be right back.” Lizzie turned to Pam. “Okay, spill…”

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Chapter 10 “Well…” Now that she was here, she wasn’t sure how to start. “The doctor says I have panic attacks. That could be the reason I thought I was having heart attacks. That’s why I thought I was going crazy.” “Hmm,” Lizzie murmured. “That does make sense and could explain a lot. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it.” Pam had called Lizzie a lot during the attacks. Lizzie would either try to calm her down over the phone or come over. Countless times Lizzie would beg Pam to let her take her to a doctor, but Pam would never go. She had been too afraid. “Are you going to see a psychologist?” Brenda asked. Brenda was always the most logical, while Lizzie was flighty but motherly and Pam was always somewhere in between. “Yes, I have an appointment next week.” “Good,” Lizzie said, “then you can get better.” “Are you going to tell Gary?” Brenda asked. “Lizzie told me all about your weekend with him. It sounds like you two could get back together.” Pam shook her head. “I’m not going to tell him until I get some kind of control over it.” Lizzie and Brenda both spoke at once, “But Pam…” “No.” She said. “I can’t tell him. He would just start taking over my life and then I might start having them around him…” she shook her head. “No, it wouldn’t work.” Lizzie looked disappointed. “You know, Pam, I always thought you underestimated Gary. I think he’d understand and help you. He was crazy when it came to you.” Pam wondered how to make Lizzie understand. “I know that, Lizzie, but I need this time for myself first. I can’t have a man added to the mix, too.”

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On the Run Brenda spoke up. “I understand. Lizzie, look, they’ve been apart this long, I think Gary could wait a little longer. Let Pam work on herself first then, once she gets her confidence back and has a handle on things, then she can involve Gary.” “Thanks, Brenda,” Pam said. “Well, okay,” Lizzie finally gave in. “I guess I understand. I still think Gary could help you with your therapy.” Pam tried to sound reasonable. “Lizzie, I will talk to him when I feel it will help me. I promise.” “Okay,” Lizzie said. “You know I care about you first and always. Friends are more important than men.” “Amen,” said Brenda. “Even my husband isn’t as important to me as you two are. Only my kids rank up there.” They sat in silence for a moment. Wolfman had served their drinks without a word while they were talking. Brenda and Lizzie were drinking their drinks lost in thought. Tom picked that moment to come over to their table. “Hey ladies.” Turning, he pulled over a chair from the opposite table. Pam and Brenda rolled their eyes at each other. Tom always did think he was hot stuff and Pam knew that his ego was always a lot bigger than anything else on him. “Can I join you?” “Of course,” Pam said in a sarcastic voice since he already had. He pulled his eyes away from Pam then scanned the rest of the table. “Hey, Lizzie and Brenda, you girls still look good.” Girls? Pam thought. Brenda replied with very little enthusiasm while sipping calmly on her wine. “Tom.” Even Lizzie looked unimpressed by Tom’s charm, but Pam also knew that while she was dating him that Lizzie thought Tom was a pile of shit and encouraged her to

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Melanie Anderson break it off with him. She did eventually take her advice, but that could’ve also been because she found his hand on some other girl’s ass. Who knows? Pam thought sarcastically. “Hey, Tom,” Lizzie said. “What brings you to this part of the world?” A guitar player, and a bad one at that, though you couldn’t tell him that, Tom had eventually moved on, looking for his big break. “You know,” he drawled looking Pam up and down, “I’m just coming back to see some old friends.” Pam did not like the way he was leering at her, and she regretted being happy to see him before remembering what an asshole he was. Now her nostalgia was causing her a lot of trouble and she was starting to see what a big mistake she made hugging him and sounding glad to see him. Now he thought she actually wanted him. Please, she thought, I could never be that desperate. “Oh,” Lizzie said, giving him a look that made Pam realize that she had noticed him at leering at her, “did you hear Pam was getting back with Gary?” It sounded strange to Pam, and she wanted to deny it but realized that Lizzie was only saying it to discourage Tom. “Yeah,” she agreed, “I am.” Brenda joined in by saying, “Yes we were just congratulating her. It was a celebration drink.” Tom looked unimpressed. “That scum bag? Why would she want him back?” Pam was affronted. Tom had never known Gary that well, except for their fight, of course. But that was beside the point. “Excuse me, Tom, you’re talking about the father of my child. I don’t appreciate those comments.” “Whatever,” he said, sounding bored. “Well if you want to get back with him, that’s your beef. But if you want a real man, you just call me.” Pam tried not to laugh and she could see Lizzie and Brenda doing the same. “Oh, of course, Tom.” she drawled.

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On the Run Picking up a napkin, he asked Brenda for a pen and then wrote his number, handing it to Pam. Then, before Pam realized his intentions, he pulled her out of the chair and gave her a kiss. It wasn’t a friendly, nice to see you, kiss either. It was a kiss filled with innuendo and tongue and tasted like cigarettes and beer and Pam fought the urge to gag. She quickly pulled away and tried not to give into the compulsion to slap him. She just wanted him to go away. “Later,” he said before walking away. “Ugh.” She picked up her beer and took a large gulp, wishing she could spit it out. “That was gross.” Lizzie and Brenda were both laughing so hard they were about to fall out of their chairs. “Oh, you guys enjoyed that, huh?” Brenda was still giggling. “I think we hurt his, uh, ego.” Lizzie’s eyes were twinkling. “I think he found it a personal challenge.” “Oh, great,” Pam groaned. “Now he thinks this is a competition between him and Gary. Don’t you remember what happened last time they saw each other?” They both nodded, their faces turning sober. It hadn’t been pretty. ~ Pam and Gary had decided to go to Lizzie’s big party together. Her parents were out of town and Pam had a feeling it was going to get out of control. “Especially since Lizzie handed out flyers,” Pam had told Gary sarcastically. They had just started dating and Gary hadn’t been too enthusiastic about the idea, especially since he wasn’t going to know anybody, but Lizzie had insisted, and even Gary couldn’t resist Lizzie when she was at her most charming. He had finally agreed to go. “But I don’t like it,” he had told Pam later.

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Melanie Anderson When they had arrived, the party was just as Pam feared it would be. A drunken orgy filled with strangers and even poor Lizzie looked frazzled by the turnout. “What am I going to do?” she asked Gary and Pam. So of course they had to stay. Neither one of them was so unsympathetic that they would leave a good friend in a crisis. And this was a crisis. It wouldn’t be long before the police were called. Lizzie and her parents lived in a Victorian mansion in the richest part of Great Falls, Virginia. The kind where each house was on acres of property and nobody knew their neighbors, but now the manicured yard was littered with trash and beer cans. People were jumping in the pool fully clothed or totally unclothed. Some people were even having sex in the wide open, not caring who saw. Others were doing various drugs in Lizzie’s living room. They couldn’t leave her alone. “Okay,” Gary said firmly, “I’m going to do damage control.” Rolling up his sleeves, he starting rounding people up and telling them the party was over. Many were protesting, but few would argue with Gary. He could be intimidating when he was angry. Lizzie and Pam started cleaning up. Only Brenda had been smart and avoided the party. Her boyfriend at the time, Larry, soon to be husband, had been against the idea. He was one of the few who could actually resist Lizzie. Probably the smartest one. Pam was cleaning around the pool house, away from the others, when a voice interrupted her. “Hey baby.” Oh, God. It’s Tom, she thought. Please let him go away, she prayed. Turning around she saw him and her heart dropped. He was stoned. She knew he was at his most belligerent when he was stoned. This was a problem since he still hadn’t forgiven Pam for breaking up with him. At least that had to be the reason why, Pam assumed, he had left her the twenty or so messages since then.

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On the Run “Why haven’t you called?” he asked, hostility dripping from his voice. He was standing close, too close, and she knew it was Tom’s way of trying to intimidate her with his size. He really doesn’t know me at all, she thought because he could never intimidate her. She answered his question, her voice filled with sarcasm, “Well, Tom, it could be because we broke up months ago. Oh, and it also could be because I met someone else. Which I think you know.” She turned away to continue cleaning. He grabbed her arm and started squeezing. He’s going to leave bruises, she thought. “Let go.” she said, her voice vibrating in anger. She started pulling but he was holding on tight. “Yeah, I should’ve known you would leave me and go straight to someone else. You always were a slut. You and your ‘groupie’ friends.” He gave her a cold smile, still holding her arm. Pam just lost it and like a wild woman started smacking and punching whatever part of him she could reach. “You asshole!” She yelled. “I said to let go of me.” He still hadn’t released her arm, but he looked like he was in pain. Pam had gotten a pretty good shot of his knee and had kicked him hard. She only wished it were his groin. He started dragging her away, saying, “Bitch, you’re going to get it now.” Pam was fighting, trying to pull him the opposite away. She definitely did not want to be alone with him. “Let go of her.” The voice was calm, but with an underlying layer of steel. Shit, Pam thought, Gary. Tom stopped pulling her as he turned around, but still held fast on her arm, asking, “Who the fuck are you?” When she turned around Pam got her first glimpse of Gary. He was standing in back of them and looked bored, with his arms to the sides, but when Pam looked in his eyes, she shivered. They held a layer of gray ice, cold with fury. Pam almost felt sorry for Tom. Almost.

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Melanie Anderson “I’m the asshole that’s about to kick your ass if you don’t let her go.” Gary’s voice was still calm but his hands were starting to clench and unclench at his sides. “Oh, you must be this slut’s new boyfriend. I should have known she’d go and find some pussy like you.” Tom’s voice was getting louder and louder and other people still loitering were starting to gather around. Liquor and a fight were all people needed to have a good time at a party. Lizzie had run over to see what was going on and was now looking with worried eyes back and forth between Tom, Pam and Gary. “Really,” Gary said. He smiled, but it didn’t meet his eyes. “You want to come closer and say that?” Pam closed her eyes. Damn, she thought, this wasn’t going to be good at all. She hated violence and wished that Tom hadn’t been there that night. She knew Tom couldn’t win against Gary. Tom was so high he was acting stupid and he had never been much of a fighter. He hadn’t been much of anything, really. “Tom,” she said in an attempt to stop the insanity, “just let me go and I’m sure Gary will forget about it.” Gary looked at Pam, his eyes blazing into hers. “I wouldn’t bet on that, sweetheart. He touched you, and whenever somebody hurts someone of mine, I have to hurt them back. That’s the rule.” Said the caveman to his woman, she thought, God save me from the male ego. “Tom, let go of me,” she said in a last ditch effort to end the situation peacefully. Tom laughed. “Ain’t this funny, this asshole thinks you’re his when he should know that you are a slut and probably had everybody here.” That’s it, she thought. She watched as Gary started stepping forward and thought, it was one thing to avoid violence but it was another thing to sit by while someone spewed lies about you to an audience. Lightning quick, she moved her arm down until she had a hold of his genitals. Squeezing as hard as she could,

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On the Run she said through gritted teeth, “Tom, get the fuck away me.” He screamed in a high pitch voice, “Let go of me, you bitch!” He finally let her go and started cupping his crotch, moaning. Pam shot forward and grabbed Gary’s arm. “Gary, let it go. It’s over. He let go of me.” Gary’s eyes raked over her and she thought he was going to let it go until she saw his eyes focus on the bruise starting on her arm. He moved her aside. “I don’t think so.” ~ After Gary had his way, an ambulance was needed to cart Tom away. “I can’t believe I forgot about that.” Pam said now to Lizzie and Brenda. “How could I have hugged him when I saw him?” She put her head down on the table, shaking her head back and forth. Brenda shrugged. “You were probably just thinking it was nice to see somebody from our younger years. You’re brain was repressing everything else.” Lizzie patted Pam on the head. “Don’t worry about it. He won’t be here long. Plus, you never go anywhere where he would hang out. You’ll probably never see him again.” “I guess,” Pam said. She certainly hoped so. ~ Walking in the house, Gary walked over to check his messages. He’d been at a charity auction that took up most of the afternoon. The first message was from his mom again, then a message from his boss and one from Shawn. Most of them he had already talked to, but the last one confused him coming out of the blue like it did: “Gary, uh, hi, it’s Wolfman… You know from Woof’s? I wanted to talk to you about something that’s been bothering me… Uh, Pam was here today and…Well…I’d rather talk to you instead of a machine. Call me, my number is…”

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Melanie Anderson That’s weird, he thought. He hadn’t seen Wolfman for years. Every once in while if he were in the area he would drop by, but since the loan had been paid back years ago, there was no reason for them to have constant contact. But he did say he’d seen Pam; maybe she had mentioned seeing him that weekend and told Wolfman to call him. Well, only one way to find out, he thought, picking up the phone. ~ Later that evening, Pam walked into the house and noticed Susan sitting on the couch, watching Friends while Nathan was nowhere to be seen. “Where’s Nathan?” she asked, putting down her coat and purse. “Upstairs, still working on his homework,” Susan said, not taking her eyes away from the television. Pam sat down on the love seat and propped her feet on the coffee table. She was tired again. It seemed like she could never find any energy anymore. “Nathan,” she called, “Come down, we have to drop Susan off.” A commercial came on and Susan turned to Pam, saying, “Oh, I almost forgot, Mr. Foster called.” Pam’s heart stopped. “What?” Susan leaned over and picked a piece of paper off the coffee table, “Yeah, he said it’s important and to call him back as soon as you can. Here’s the number.” She handed the piece of paper to Pam. Pam held it like it was a poisonous spider. Realizing Susan was still watching her, she quickly stood up. “Well, let’s get Nathan moving so I can drive you home.” ~ Gary couldn’t stop pacing around his bedroom. He was so angry he didn’t know what to do. All he could do was go over his conversation with Wolfman again and again. “Hello, Woof’s,”

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On the Run “Hey, Wolfman, it’s Gary, Gary Foster, you called me?” “Hey man, how are you doing?” “I’m good, Wolfman, you know, still racing. How are things going there? Is business good?” “Yeah, man, its good. Everything’s good…well, sometimes slow, but I’m hanging in there. Well, man, I hate to call you after all this time, but something weird happened tonight and I thought I’d warn you.” “What?” “Do you remember Tom? Tom Gallant?” “Tom? Oh, do you mean that asshole that Pam dated?” “Yeah, man, him. Well, he was in here today; I don’t know what the hell he’s doing back, but anyway, while he was here Pam came in to meet Brenda and Lizzie and, well…” “What?” “Well, Pam came up and started talking to him and then later he went over to their table and I can tell he was trying to put the moves on her, but Pam wasn’t interested. Then right before he left, he kissed her, and then…well, I heard him say he was going to get her once and for all. Something about ‘that asshole racecar driver’” Gary snorted. “Yeah, I’d like to see him try.” “Well, you know, I’d thought I’d warn you in case Pam didn’t. You know how women are. They keep everything to themselves, and I didn’t know if you guys were together or anything, so…” “Thanks, Wolfman, I appreciate it.” “No problem, man. Hey, what are friends for? You make sure to visit me whenever you’re down here.” “Of course, I might be making a trip soon, as a matter of fact.” “Cool. Bye.” “Bye.” ~

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Melanie Anderson Gary was furious. He just couldn’t understand why Pam would even talk to Tom after what he had done to her. Gary could still remember the look in her eyes all these years later and wished that she had called him. He hated that the reality was that there was no real reason why she should call him, after all, they were divorced, but the thought of another man kissing her, worse, that man had him on his knees. Over the years he had woken with images of Pam with other men but had blocked it out since he actually couldn’t see the man, but Tom…he could see that and it hurt worse than any of those other faceless images that had haunted him. She was his, damn it, and he wasn’t going to wait much longer to make his claim. Call, damn it. ~ After Pam made a dinner of hot dogs and they watched a movie, Pam kissed Nate goodnight, turned out the light and closed the door. There nothing more she could do to distract herself from thinking about Gary’s phone call. It was too much of a coincidence that Gary had decided to call her tonight of all nights. He had kept his distance all week and now he was calling her the night she had seen Tom. No, it was too much of a coincidence. After turning on the light in her bedroom, she walked over to the bed and sat down, reaching for her phone. She had memorized his phone number a long time ago, during those nights when she couldn’t sleep and her resistance had been low. “Hello.” She wanted to hang up when she heard his voice, but charged on. “Gary, it’s Pam, you called?” Keep it nonchalant, she thought. “Yeah, I called.” He paused. “I got an interesting phone call tonight.” It was just like Gary to keep her waiting. “Really, what about?”

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On the Run “It was from Wolfman.” Damn Wolfman, she thought. I’m never going to his bar again. “Okay.” she said, playing obtuse. She wasn’t going to give an inch. “I heard you saw him this evening.” “Well, yes, I often do go to his bar. He’s a good friend of mine. Why?” His voice was as sharp as razors when he said, “I heard you saw someone else there, too.” Well I might as well get it over with, she thought. “Yeah, I saw that dickhead I used to date, Tom. He’s still the same. He actually had the nerve to kiss me, the asshole. I’m thinking about drinking some bleach to sterilize my mouth.” Good, she thought, go in with an offense instead of a defense. “Pam, I don’t want you to see him again. Do you understand me? He’s trash and I’d hate to have to kick his ass again. I won’t have him kissing you.” “Well, of course I won’t see him again. Do you think I’m crazy? I didn’t even want to see him tonight.” “What are you doing to me?” he asked so softly that Pam almost didn’t hear him. “I’m trying to keep my distance from you like you asked me to, but now I’m getting phone calls from people telling me about scumbags kissing you. I can’t eat or sleep. This is ridiculous.” Pam really felt for him. It wasn’t his fault; yet, she wasn’t ready for a full commitment. She wanted to start therapy first, then start over with him. “I’m sorry, Gary. You know it wasn’t my fault Wolfman called you. In fact, I might have to speak with him about this myself.” She heard him breathe deeply in the phone. “Don’t, Pam, I had Wolfman promise me a long time ago to watch out for you whenever you were in the bar. He felt it was the least he could do after I loaned him the money. It’s my fault.”

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Melanie Anderson “Oh,” she said. She wasn’t sure if she liked that but figured she let it go—for now. “Look, Gary, it’s late and I need some sleep. Was there anything else you wanted to talk to me about?” “Just promise me you won’t talk to Tom again.” “Gary,” she was starting to lose patience, “I didn’t talk to him to begin with. He was at the bar and that’s it.” “Yeah, but he might try to call you.” “Gary,” she repeated, “I didn’t give him my number, he just gave me his—” “What?” “Oh, he gave me his number, but I’m not going to keep it. In fact since it’s on a napkin, I just might blow my nose on it.” He laughed. “Okay, fine. Just be careful of him. Wolfman heard Tom say he was going to ‘get you back once and for all’” She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, right. Whatever. There is no way he will find my number. Don’t worry about it.” Gary sighed, then spoke in a low sexy voice, “What are you wearing?” She looked down at her pink sweatpants and sweatshirt, then whispered back in a deep, sultry voice, “It’s just me, baby, I’m wearing nothing at all but a smile…” He groaned. “Okay, enough of that.” She laughed. “You are so gullible.” He laughed, “Stop, you’re going to ruin the image in my mind. Aww, look, I’m already going limp.” Pam laughed; it was good talking to him again like they had when he was on the road all the time. They both settled into a companionable silence until Gary whispered, “I really miss you, honey.” She closed her eyes. She really missed him, too. It was so crazy to think she had gone five years without him and then after one night it had all come back to her.

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On the Run “I miss you, too, Gary, but I really need to go now.” Before I start crying, she thought. “Okay,” he whispered in his little boy voice. “Can I have a kiss?” Pam rolled her eyes. This was ridiculous. She kissed the phone. “There. How was that?” “Did you use tongue?” He sounded excited. She bit back a laugh. “Yes.” “Okay, baby, just call me when you’re ready, okay? Please don’t make me wait forever.” “Okay, Gary, I will.” She felt her good mood vanish. . “I love you.” She closed her eyes. “I love you, too.” Too much, she thought. “Bye.” She could hear the regret in his voice. “Bye.” She hung up the phone before she gave into the insane urge to see if he hung up first. She had always hated that game. Lying down in bed, she wept.

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Chapter 11 Pam felt the nerves rippling under her skin sitting in the psychologist’s office during her first session. She just hoped she didn’t have a panic attack right there in the doctor’s office. Her new doctor’s name was Dr. Evans and she was a very beautiful, dark-skinned woman with a soothing voice. She listened patiently as Pam explained everything she had been going though. “The first time it happened was after my husband Gary got in a bad accident racing. I thought I was having a heart attack and would die then after that it seemed to happen more and more. When Gary was home, I was fine, but as soon as he’d leave, it would happen. Nathan, my son, didn’t seem to notice, thank God. I was pretty good at hiding it. I would pace back and forth and talk myself out of it. Or I’d lay in bed and just start chanting to myself. At one point, I realized that it was worse when Gary was gone, so I couldn’t live with him or without him. That’s when I made the decision it would have to be without him. If he knew how bad it was, he might do something crazy like insist I stay with him all the time. I was afraid it would get in the way of his racing.” She stopped, taking a deep breath. “I couldn’t make him choose between me or racing, so I divorced him. It got better after the divorce, but in some ways it also got worse because I was depressed all the time. Realizing that sitting around wasn’t helping me, I went out and found a job. I had to, anyway, since I had asked for no alimony. I would have days when the panic attacks would hit me at work. I would go in the bathroom or walk outside until it went away. I didn’t know if I was sick or crazy and I didn’t know what to do.” She looked down in her lap, feeling the tears start up. “It was worse after I realized divorcing Gary hadn’t actually helped me and I had divorced him for no reason. But at the time, I reasoned that at least he didn’t have to see me this way.”

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On the Run After Pam had wound down, Dr. Evans said, “Yes, I think you have a classic case of an anxiety disorder. Some people actually get to the point where they never leave the house. That’s called agoraphobia. Luckily you came to me before that could happen. I can give you exercises to practice and I can also prescribe medication. I can see by your face that you don’t like that idea, but I’d like to try it. But only with your consent.” Pam hesitated. “I don’t like taking pills, but in this case, I will try it. Dr. Evans, I just want to be normal again.” Dr. Evans smiled at her. “You will be. There is nothing to be ashamed of. You should reconsider telling your ex-husband. Sometimes friends or spouses can be the best help.” ~ Autumn went by quickly. It seemed one day Pam looked outside and the leaves were different shades of colors—burnt brown, deep saffron, and pumpkin orange, then the next day they were falling to the ground. It always made her a bit sad. For Halloween, Nathan decided he wanted to be a racecar driver. No big surprise. Pam had him stand outside the house to take a picture that she could send Gary and his parents. On a whim, she decided to drive Nathan down to her parent’s house so they could see how handsome he was. Big mistake. Pam loved her parents, she truly did, but they were enough to drive anyone insane, which might explain a lot, actually, maybe she should mention it to Dr. Evans during her next session. Her parents lived in the same cul-de-sac in the Virginia suburbs of Falls Church that Pam had grown up in, and even though the rest of the area had grown up and expanded, time seemed to stand still at her parents. She could walk though her parents’ house blindfolded. There was the same old faded flowered couch, the same

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Melanie Anderson coffee table with the same old doily and decrepit silk flower arrangement in the middle. A few little things had changed over the years, but for the most part it was the same house. Rhonda Berg was a small woman, five-four or so, pudgy and round with short hair that curled against her skull, but what she lacked in height she made up for with her voice. Henry Berg was the opposite of his wife, a tall man, six-one, with a lot to say and not much to do. He had retired early from his job as assistant manager of a department store and instead sat around and bickered with his wife. Rhonda and Henry were a good match since they both seemed to enjoy the sound of their own voice. Pam could remember hiding in the backyard just to get away from their constant yelling. She also had an older brother John and sister Linda, who had moved out of the house as soon as they could. Her brother, John, was in the military, lived in Florida with his wife and two kids and was only seen during the holidays. Whenever Pam emailed him, he would state that he had no interest in visiting their parents unless by gunpoint. Her sister, Linda still lived in the area, but half the time, nobody knew exactly where. She was the outlaw in the family, constantly moving from place to place, from man to man. The last Pam had heard she was living out west in Fauquier County with some man who raised pigs. Or was it goats? Pam could never remember. Walking into the house, Pam immediately realized her mistake, but unfortunately, it was also too late to turn around. “There you are, Pam,” her mom said as soon as she walked in the door, “tell your father that he’s being an ass. He says that we should paint the house again, but I think it looks fine. Tell him what you think. He won’t listen to me.” Pam didn’t know what to say. She and Nathan hadn’t had a chance to remove their coats, let alone time to notice

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On the Run the color of the house. “Tell your mom,” Henry put emphasis on the word Mom, “that it’s starting to fade and soon the neighbors will start complaining. I saw Glen Ferguson looking over here the other day and I’m pretty sure he’s thinking we are the laziest SOB’s in the neighborhood.” Most people had the Joneses; her parents had the Fergusons. “Mom, Dad,” Pam pleaded, trying to change the subject. “Look at Nathan’s costume. Isn’t he handsome?” Rhonda walked out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on a dishtowel. “Why look who it is. It’s Nathan. Who are you trying to be?” His grandparents always intimidated Nathan, and Pam couldn’t blame him, they had intimidated her as parents, too. In a shy voice, he said, “I’m a racecar driver.” He stretched out his shirt so that Pam’s mom could see his number: Eighty-four, just like his father. “Oh, my,” Rhonda said, giving Pam the ‘look’, “You are handsome.” Just at that moment the doorbell rang. “Henry, get up and answer the door,” Rhonda boomed. “It’s those trick-or-treaters again.” “You get the door. I did it last time.” Pam grabbed the bowl from the table near the front door. “I’ll get it.” She would do anything to keep the peace. “Nathan, you want to help?” So Pam and Nathan ended up giving candy to trick-ortreaters while her parents cussed and fussed at each other. During a break from the trick-or-treaters, Pam’s mom called out to her, “Pam, have you heard from that noaccount sister of yours?” “No, Mom.” She rolled her eyes. “Well I don’t know what’s wrong with that girl,” Rhonda continued, “The only time we ever hear from her is when she needs money.” “I told you not to give her any, either,” Henry inserted from the opposite end of the house. “Every time you do,

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Melanie Anderson she just disappears. I don’t know when you’re going to stop supporting her. You know I’m retired.” “Nathan, do you want to do a little trick-or-treating?” Pam could feel hysteria coming on. She really didn’t need this. Nathan looked eager to get away as well. “Sure,” he said. “Just be careful out there,” her mom said, “All kinds of crazy people out there.” “And don’t go to the Ferguson’s’,” her dad added. “Okay, okay,” Pam said, pushing Nathan out the door. After they walked outside, Pam stopped to enjoy the silence. Night had fallen, so there weren’t as many trickor-treaters as earlier. Somewhere in the distance they could hear some laughter and talking and the rustle of leaves as the few diehard trick-or-treaters walked from house to house. If manners hadn’t been drilled into her from birth, she would’ve pushed Nathan into the car and driven off into the night, never to be seen from again, but as her parents were always reminding her, she was the only child around to visit them without asking for anything. Somehow she had become the “good” child. “They’re loud,” Nathan said, obviously referring to his grandparents. “Why are they so loud, Mom?” Pam laughed. “I don’t know, Nathan; they’ve always been like that.” She grabbed his hand and they started walking down the street, ready to do some serious trick-ortreating. After Pam and Nathan had walked as far as they both could go without falling over in exhaustion, they returned to the house. Her parents were quiet for a change. It didn’t take long for Pam to realize the reason it was quiet was because her dad was in the bathroom and that was the only place he didn’t yell from. Nathan sat down on the loveseat and started going through his bag of candy. Pam reminded him not to eat any until she could look through it first, while at the same

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On the Run time her mom yelled from the kitchen, “Don’t let him eat any of that candy without you looking though it first. You never know what crazy person put razor blades or something in it.” Nathan looked up at Pam, terrified, and she quietly said, “Just don’t eat any yet, okay, buddy?” Walking into the kitchen, Pam looked around, noticing that this room hadn’t changed at all either. It was still painted in hideous shades of yellow and brown from the seventies and since her mother always bought the highest wattage bulb to put in the ceiling light, the yellow was even more brighter, making Pam wish she had her sunglasses on. But on a positive note, it was clean and her mother had coffee on. Gratefully she grabbed a mug and while making a cup, took a whiff of the cake batter her mother was mixing. It was her favorite, her mother’s famous pumpkin cake. Despite her parents’ current bickering, she did have good memories from her childhood. Her mother hadn’t been as annoying when her father had worked and she had been a stay at home mom, making sure Pam and her siblings were dressed well and had good meals. She was always home for them when they needed her and she was forever on the run to things like PTA meetings, Brownies, or volunteering at the school, whatever it was she was there. “Mom, why don’t you sit down and talk to me?” Pam patted the chair next to hers at the kitchen table. In all her life, she hardly ever saw her mom sit down. She was like a Tasmanian devil, turning and twisting this way and that. “I can’t now, I got to make this cake for a lady at church. She’s in the hospital getting a new hip and she’ll be home tomorrow.” Rhonda whirled to the other side of the kitchen to take out a cake pan. “Oh, okay, Mom.” Pam stared down in her coffee cup. “What’s wrong with you?” Rhonda asked while looking over her glasses at the pan she was greasing. “Nothing.”

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Melanie Anderson “Give me a break. You don’t think I can tell when you’re at my table pouting?” She started spooning the batter into the pan. Pam played with her spoon, then said in a quiet voice. “I’m in therapy.” Rhonda shoved the pan in the oven then turned around and said, “What? You’re in therapy? What for? You’re not crazy.” At that moment her father came out of the bathroom with the newspaper. “Did you hear that, Henry? Our daughter is in therapy. She thinks she’s crazy.” Pam started to protest, but her father said, “What? You’re not crazy. Was it that ex-husband of yours? Did he tell you you’re crazy? I never trusted him.” That was a lie, but beside the point. “Mom, Dad, please stop. Nathan is in the other room.” She was pleading, knowing Nathan could hear everything. Rhonda’s mouth was pursed up like a prune. “I still don’t know why you’re in therapy. No daughter of mine is crazy.” Pam wanted to laugh at the irony in that. The amazing thing was that all of her kids weren’t crazy. “Look, Mom, I’m not crazy. Just having panic attacks.” She would say anything to change the subject. “I think we really should be leaving. It’s a long drive home.” Pam quickly rinsed her coffee mug and put it in the dishwasher then backed out of the kitchen and grabbed their coats. Nathan was giving her a quizzical look and she cocked her finger at him in a come here motion. “Let’s go, Nathan.” Now, she thought, before your mother loses it. Rhonda and Henry were standing in the entryway, still looking confused, even while she was babbling their goodbyes, hoping they wouldn’t say anything more. As soon as Nathan had given them each a kiss, she practically ran out the door. She was free at last. On the way home, Nathan spoke up from the back seat, “Mom, are you crazy?” She closed her eyes. She was afraid of this.

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On the Run “No, Nathan, I am fine.” “But—” “Nathan, please don’t worry about it. Your grandparents were just a little unnerved.” Please don’t repeat anything you hear, she wanted to say. “Why were they talking about Dad that way?” She kept her eyes on the road and tried to think of a plausible response. “Your grandpa misunderstood something I said. He was confused.” Okay, the crazy route, she thought. We shall go with that. “Okay.” Nathan said, his voice starting to fade. “Mom?” “Yes?” “You’re not crazy. You’re my mom.” Pam loved that he had such faith in her. She wished she had that much in herself. “I love you, brat.” she said affectionately. “I love you, too, Mom,” he said, right before falling asleep. ~ Once she was in bed that night, she closed her eyes, willing herself to sleep. Ever since going on this medication, she was sleepy in the morning and wideawake at night. It was hell at work. The doctor was limiting her caffeine intake in case that was triggering the panic attacks, so she only had one cup in the morning and sometimes one at night if she was stressed like tonight. The phone rang, startling Pam. Gary had started calling her periodically to see how she was doing and, she suspected, to see if she had changed her mind yet, but until Pam felt totally confident with the medication and her therapy, she wanted to keep her distance. She didn’t want to go back to him until she was the woman he fell in love with. “Hello?” “Hey, sweetie.”

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Melanie Anderson “Who’s this?” she asked, tongue in cheek. “I hope you’re kidding,” he growled over the phone. “I hope nobody else is calling you ‘sweetie’.” “I was only joking,” she said, rolling her eyes. “You never could take a joke.” “Not when it comes to you and another man.” He paused and asked, “How was Nate’s Halloween?” “Well, the new outfit you sent him was a hit.” “I wish I could have seen him.” “I took a picture,” Pam said. “Oh, and we went to my parents’ house.” Pam had to hold the phone away from her ear because Gary was laughing so hard, she was afraid she’d go deaf. “I don’t know what you’re laughing at,” she said, pouting a little. “Your parents’ house?” he asked still laughing, “You mean you actually went there voluntarily?” “Of course I did,” she said, trying to sound affronted, “They’re my parents.” His voice turned serious but with an underlying hint of amusement. “I’m sorry, how was it?” She thought about lying and gave up. “It was awful.” “I’m sorry,” he said, sounding sincere. “I know how hard it is for you to see your parents. You really are a good daughter to visit them.” If she hadn’t loved him before she would have fallen in love then. Nobody else understood her like Gary did. “Thanks, but I feel bad for putting Nathan through that. The poor kid.” “Oh, he’s a kid; he’ll get over it, he has to learn that not all of his relatives are as perfect as us.” Pam huffed out a laugh. There was silence for moments while Pam laid in the bed listening to him breathe wishing he was here so that he could make love to her. It was always easier to fall to sleep after a good sweaty bout of sex.

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On the Run “What are you thinking about?” he asked in a husky voice. She felt herself blushing, which was ridiculous since he couldn’t read her mind. “Nothing.” “I think I know what you were thinking about. I was listening to your breathing. I bet you wish I was there with you now.” She was getting hotter and hotter. “Damn you,” she muttered. He laughed that sexy laugh of his. “I’m here whenever you want me, just let know.” “I’ve got to go.” He laughed again. “Oh, you can run but you can’t hide. I’ll let you go for now, darling, but I know you will be thinking of me and all I could do to you.” She didn’t want to think about it. She was already moving restlessly on the sheets. In a minute she’d be begging him to come to her house immediately. “Bye,” she said, her voice scratchy. “Bye, sweetheart, I love you.” “Love you, too.” She quickly hung up the phone and tried to think of a way to sleep with this urgent need pressing down on her. Damn him, she thought again. ~ Getting off the phone, Gary realized that he had a hard-on that wouldn’t quit. He thought of ways to get rid of it but dismissed them. He wasn’t even in the mood to move at all. He didn’t know how long Pam planned on playing this game, but something had to give. If she didn’t come to him soon, then he was coming to her. In more ways than one.

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Chapter 12 The racing season was quickly coming to an end and Gary was second place in the championship race, but still eighty points below the leader. It didn’t look like he was going to win this year…again, but there was always next year. That thought was the only thing that kept him going. He was feeling down and out lately, especially after last week when he’d had his first DNF (did not finish) in a race this season. Right after the car was pushed to the garage, Shawn had told him, “It’s okay, buddy, we will get them next week.” Now it was November, which was cold as hell, and Pam still wouldn’t let him inside her head or heart. He couldn’t help wondering what exactly she was going through and why she wouldn’t share it with him. Sometimes it seemed like he had never understood her. In a couple of weeks, Nathan and his parents were coming over to his house for the Thanksgiving weekend and Anne was planning a huge gourmet turkey dinner. He hoped that some of his racing friends, including Shawn, would be able to make it too. No matter what she said, though, he couldn’t persuade Pam to come. All she had said was, “This time is for you and Nate. I’m going to my parents’ house, my brother John and his family will be there. Don’t worry about me.” Sitting in his car while the crew were busy running around the car, helping adjust his safety equipment before the race started, all these thoughts were going around and around in his head. It was the last race held in North Carolina before he was on the road until the end of the season. Now the opening ceremonies were wrapping up and the only sounds he could hear were the crowd cheering and the roar of the airplanes performing the flyby overhead. Shawn’s voice came over the headset in his

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On the Run helmet, “Okay, they’re about to start ‘em up, are you ready, buddy?” “Ten-four.” He was always ready to race. It was the only thing he had any sort of control over at all. ~ Pam was sitting in the living room with Nathan, getting ready to watch the race. They had made a bowl of popcorn and Pam had started a fire in the fireplace. She was worried about Gary’s state of mind since he seemed so depressed about his championship hopes. He always acted like it never bothered him that he hadn’t won a championship, but she knew it did. He was doing so well that it was doubtful his sponsor would give up on him, but that didn’t help Gary’s state of mind. He just wanted to win it all. The phone rang and Pam, startled, quickly picked it up. “Hello?” “Hey there, it’s Tom.” “Tom?” How did he get my number? “What are you doing?” “I’m about to watch the race, what are you doing? How did you get my number?” What the hell are you calling me for? His laugh came over the line. “Hey, baby, I have my ways, what do you say we get a drink or something?” “No,” she said, disgusted. “I don’t think that would be a good idea at all.” “I’m not going to take no for an answer.” “Well, try then,” she said. “I won’t go out with you.” He laughed cryptically. “Okay for now, but I’m not going to give up.” She shivered. It sounded like a threat. “Please give up, Tom.” She looked over at Nathan; he was watching the pre-race show, ignoring her. “It’s never going to happen.” “We’ll see,” he said. “Bye.” He hung up before she could say anything else.

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Melanie Anderson For a few minutes after she hung up, she stared at the television seeing nothing. What the hell was that about, she thought, and the most pressing question, Should she tell Gary? ~ Gary was driving around the track in pre-race laps. He needed this win if he was going to win the championship, even if he knew that, subconsciously, he was trying to win this championship for Pam and not him. His dad always told him that you should race for yourself first and always. The car he was driving, named Roughrider by the mechanics, seemed to be handling well as he moved it side to side to warm up his tires This was the exact same car that he had won this race with last year. “Okay we’re about to go green,” Shawn said in his headset. “Gotcha,” Gary answered. Unfortunately, Gary had qualified in 25th position and he was going to have his work cut out for him if he wanted to get to the front. He steered the car around the last pace lap driving toward the start-finish line. “Green, green, green.” Shawn said. It was time to race. ~ Pam sat on the couch, holding her arms because watching Gary on television always made her nervous. Nathan was jumping up and down in his seat, dropping popcorn all over the floor for Gordon to sniff at then ignore. Picky cat, she thought. It was the tenth lap of the race and Gary was running strong, passing cars left and right, and Pam was feeling optimistic that this would be his day. She still remembered how depressed he was when she talked to him after last week’s bad finish. “Dad’s doing good,” Nathan said, still shoving popcorn in his mouth by the fistful.

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On the Run “Yes, he is,” Pam said. “Please slow down with the popcorn, you’re dropping it all over the floor.” Suddenly, her attention was caught by the television, that was much too close— “Oh, my God!” she yelled. ~ “You got a car down below on your right.” Gary steered accordingly, letting loose on the throttle. He was coming around the corner and couldn’t see very well in front of him. Suddenly alert, he noticed a plume of smoke up in front. “Crash, crash,” his spotter sounded frantic, “Turn left, turn left.” Then all was dark. ~ “Oh, my God,” Pam whispered. She watched as the accident started and cars started spinning wildly all over the place. Gary was coming up fast and she could see him hit the brakes, but unfortunately the car behind him hadn’t known what was going on. It hit Gary from the back, pushing him towards the accident. He hit one car, spun around and hit another, then his car drove full speed toward the wall… Pam braced herself for the crash. When Gary’s car hit the wall, it hit hard. Then flipped, once, then twice. She let out a cry. All was silent except for the commentators’ agitated voices, talking over what happened. Familiar pain started shooting up her arm. .Not now, she thought. Nathan was frantic, “Mom…Mom… Is Dad alright?” “Yes, Nathan, he’s alright.” I hope. She was starting to hyperventilate. Pills, I need my pills, she thought. She took them every day, but her doctor had mentioned that she might need them at different times,

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Melanie Anderson especially during stress. This definitely was one of those moments. She started walking slowly, one step at a time, to the foyer where her purse was, starting to shake inside and out. The phone was ringing. “Nathan, can you get that?” Her voice was shaky. She couldn’t think. “Mom, it’s for you. It’s Grandma Foster.” Oh, shit, she thought. That can’t be good. “Okay, honey, just tell her I’ll be there in a minute.” Nathan’s voice was coming from far away like she was walking through a tunnel. Finally reaching her purse, she grabbed it and started pulling things out and scattering them all over the floor, like a drug addict looking for her next fix. When a shadow fell over her, she looked up to see Nathan watching her, looking scared. “It’s okay, Nathan, give me the phone.” When she reached out, she could see the tremor going though her hand. “He—l—l—o,” she stuttered. “Pam,” Marie’s voice was brisk, “Did you see the accident?” “Y—es,” she sounded like a moron. She leaned against the wall and tried to clear her mind. She felt like she was dying. “Gary’s hurt badly. They’re Medevacing him to the hospital. I thought it would be good if you and Nathan could meet us there.” Drive, she wants me to drive? Pam thought hysterically. Oh, God, Gary’s hurt badly. I can’t handle this. “I’ll see what I can do.” It was all she could offer her at the moment. Marie’s voice was clipped when she said, “Pam, I don’t think this is the time to let whatever petty differences you have with Gary to get in the way. He needs all of us there.”

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On the Run “I said I’d see what I can do.” Now let me off the phone so I can die, she thought frantically. “Okay, well I got to go. My son needs me.” Click. She hung up on Pam. Pam pushed the button to disconnect her cordless phone. Looking up, she could see Nathan staring at her with an anxious look on her face. Junk from her purse was still scattered about the foyer. Reaching into her purse, she finally found the pills. “Nathan, can you get me a glass of water, please?” She managed to say through numb lips. While she waited for Nathan to get back she turned the phone back on and dialed Lizzie’s number. “Hello.” “Lizzie, it’s Pam.” Pam had her eyes closed and was now lying on the floor. From the other room she could hear the water running. “What’s wrong?” Lizzie’s concern could be heard through the phone. “Gary.” Pam was talking slowly, in between pants. “Got in an accident. Medevac to the hospital. Nathan needs to be there.” “What?” Lizzie’s voice rose. “An accident? You mean in the race? What do you mean Nathan needs to get there? What about you?” “Panic. Attack.” Pam breathed slowly. “Can’t drive.” Nathan walked back in with the water, looking at her like she was going to grow an extra head or something. He looked more than a little scared. Pam sat up and gave him a shaky smile. “Where is he at?” Lizzie was asking on the phone. “North Carolina.” Pam said, “I can’t go. I just can’t, Lizzie.” “Okay, honey, calm down. I’ll try to figure out something and call you back. Okay?”

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Melanie Anderson Pam tried to stand up and managed to do so, but she was shaky. Nathan was still standing in the foyer staring at her, worry etched in his face. “Nathan, go ahead and get your stuff ready. You’re going to see Daddy. He’s in the hospital and will need you to help him get better.” Nathan’s hand moved to his hair and started twisting. “It will be fine.” She said reassuringly. But she wasn’t so confident herself. She just wanted to get to her bed until the attack was over. She couldn’t remember one ever being this bad before. She took the water from Nathan and rubbed his head. Then opening the pill bottle, she shook one out and popped it into her mouth. The phone rang again. “Hello?” It was Lizzie again. “Andrew said he could drive him.” Pam was shocked. As far as she knew they were still broken up. “Andrew?” “Yes, he was here at my parent’s house. We were eating dinner. He can drive him down tonight.” Pam wasn’t sure about that, but she trusted Lizzie, and if she thought it would be okay, then Pam had no choice. Andrew and Nathan had met many times before, so it wasn’t like he was a stranger. Even so, Lizzie must’ve sensed her hesitation. “I can go down with them if you like. That way you’ll know he’ll be safe.” “Oh, Lizzie, I don’t want you to go through all that trouble.” She moved to the couch, sat down and put her head between her legs to counteract the dizziness she was experiencing. “Pam,” Lizzie said in her ‘I ain’t taking shit from you’ voice, “You should know by now that nothing I do for you is trouble. I know you’re panicking and it’s better you don’t worry about this now.” “Okay, okay,” The world was starting to fade out again. “I’ll make sure he’s ready.” “What about you? Are you going to be alright?”

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On the Run “I’ll be better once I can go to bed.” Pam opened her eyes. “Just hurry, please.” ~ All Gary could feel was excruciating pain, and he couldn’t fight it. In and out of consciousness, he would ask for Pam. At least he thought he did. Sometimes he asked for Nathan. Nobody seemed to hear him. Then it was dark again. ~ Lizzie and Andrew came to pick Nathan up. The whole time they were at the house, Lizzie kept looking at Pam, concern in her eyes. Pam knew she looked like hell. She wasn’t able to get up when they got there, so Nathan had answered the door. She felt bad that first he had to worry about his dad and now his mom, but there was nothing she could do since she was hanging onto a string as it was. As they were getting ready to leave, Pam managed to kiss him goodbye and hug Lizzie. “Maybe you should have someone come and stay with you,” Lizzie said. “No,” Pam said, “I’m just going to go to sleep.” She thanked Andrew and they were on their way. Pam somehow managed to shuffle up the stairs to her bedroom, drop into bed and then sink into unconsciousness. ~ During the night Gary dreamed of strange things like doctors putting lights in his eyes, his mom crying and his dad talking in a low voice to her. Somewhere in the night he also heard someone say, “Nathan’s here.” He wanted to ask if Pam was there but couldn’t. He hurt everywhere and all he could think of was sleep. He just wanted to sleep. ~

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Melanie Anderson Pam was having a dream where Gary was in his racecar with 84 on it driving away from her. He waved goodbye, and as she watched him drive away, she started to cry. “Please don’t leave me,” she cried. But he just kept driving.

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Chapter 13 Pam woke up balled up under the covers with the sun in her face and her house freezing. At first she was disoriented, not knowing what day it was or why she was in bed. Then it came to her in a blinding rush…Gary…accident. She did remember that much. She called Lizzie on her cell phone and before she could say anything, Pam was asking, “Lizzie, how is he?” Lizzie sighed, sounding tired. “They think he’s going to be alright. He’s in intensive care right now because of the concussion, some fractured ribs and his left leg was broken. They’re worried that he might slip into a coma.” “No…” Pam whispered in denial. “You really should be there.” “What can I do? I’ll just have a panic attack and end up in the hospital, too.” Pam felt lower than she ever had in her life. She was a coward. She couldn’t think of getting up or doing anything. Not even to call her in-laws to find out how Nathan was holding up. “I know,” Lizzie said wearily. “Just think about it. He’s going to need you.” “I will,” Pam said, not promising anything. “Well, Nathan is doing well. They let him see his father for a couple of minutes through the window. He seemed to be in shock, but handled it well. You know how kids are. Your in-laws said they will drive him back as soon as they can so he won’t miss a lot of school.” Lizzie stopped. Pam could tell that they had said more than that. Probably about her. But she really didn’t want to know. She just wasn’t up to it at the moment. “Thanks, Lizzie. I really appreciate it.” “Okay. Pam, if you need anything, just let me know? All right? Promise me.” “I promise.”

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Melanie Anderson After they hung up, Pam looked around her bedroom. Everything looked familiar yet different. It was like her world was off kilter and all she wanted to do was sleep. She was still drowsy from the medication. Fluffing up her pillow, she fell back into oblivion. ~ Gary woke up slowly, not knowing where he was. From his right he could hear humming sounds. His mouth felt like sandpaper and he felt a low ache coming from his legs. What happened to me? he thought. “H—hello,” his voice came out low and scratchy. He tried again, “Hello?” “Gary?” It was his mother coming from his left side. He opened his eyes to slits and the light blinded him. “Thirsty.” He tried to move his hand, but it felt like it was weighed down by lead. “Ssh… It’s okay honey. Here’s some ice chips.” Gary felt the ice chips on his tongue and it was just like heaven. “Where’s Dad?” He croaked. “He’s out in the waiting room with Nathan.” “Nathan’s here?” But… “Is Pam here?” “No, Gary, she’s not here. Lizzie and her friend Andrew brought him down last night.” He could hear the disappointment in his mother’s voice. “But why not?” He couldn’t help but ask. He needed her here with him, making jokes and encouraging him to get out of bed. “I don’t know, sweetie. Maybe she’ll be here later.” “Oh.” He said. “I’m tired. I’m going back to sleep.” He felt his mom take his hand, cool and comforting. . “Go to sleep, honey, we’ll be here for you when you wake up.” Yes, but Pam won’t be. That was his last thought before he sank back into sleep. ~ The next time Pam woke up, it was eight o’clock in the morning. She needed to call work and make an appointment to see her therapist. She had to figure out a

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On the Run way to get to Gary, before he stopped believing in her. She knew once he realized she wasn’t there, he would be angry and would probably give up on her, once and for all. She couldn’t let that happen. She called work and explained there was a family emergency—which there was—then called Nathan’s school. She clicked the phone off, then went to put it back in the cradle. She was startled when it rang. “Hello?” “Where the fuck are you?” It was Shawn and he sounded livid. “W—hat?” She didn’t know what to say. “I said, where the fuck are you? What kind of coward are you? Don’t you know how much Gary needs you right now? What kind of shit are you trying to pull?” “Shawn…” She started to say. “Pam,” he mimicked, “There are no possible excuses you can give me for not being here. I know you’re divorced, but that’s no excuse. I know you still love him, just like he’s still crazy for you. I’m tired of watching the two of you play your games and circle each other. Gary needs you and Nathan needs you. This is your family.” “I know, but—” Shawn didn’t let her finish again. “I want to see you within two hours, or I’ll personally tell Gary that you are a piece of shit and to give up on you. I will make sure that he meets real women. Not a sniveling whiny woman who doesn’t give a shit about anybody but herself.” He hung up. Pam slowly pushed the button to disconnect. She felt the beginnings of another panic attack coming on. No, damn it. Not again. She thought. I don’t have time for this shit. Pam sat down for a couple of minutes and the feeling went away.

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Melanie Anderson Calling Dr. Evans to make an appointment, she was lucky to find that there had been a last minute cancellation and they were able to squeeze her in that day. She thought about calling her in-laws to find out how Gary and Nathan were doing but wasn’t in the mood for any more criticism. She was doing all right by herself. ~ Gary woke up feeling a little better. Other than feeling he had a ten-pound weight on is chest, that was. He found he was able to open his eyes and look around. His mother was sitting on the bench by the windows, stitching something and looking tired, with shadows under her eyes and her shoulders drooping. “Mom,” he whispered. “You’re back again,” she said. “We missed you.” “What have the doctors said?” He hated being in hospitals and wanted to get of there as soon as possible. “They said that you fractured some ribs and your left leg is broken.” He watched as her eyes filled with tears. “Shit.” He muttered. That didn’t sound good. “It will be okay, baby. They just want to keep you for a couple of days, then you can go home. Nathan wants to be the first one to sign your cast.” He could tell she was trying real hard to be optimistic for his sake. He smiled weakly. “Of course he can. Where is he? Can I see him?” “Well, they won’t let kids in until they move you out of intensive care. But they said they’d be moving you later today.” She smiled, holding his hand. “I’m just so glad you’re talking to me now.” He kissed her hand, then rested his head back against the pillow. He felt so weak. “Can I see Dad?” “Okay, I’ll go get him.” She let go of his hand and left the room. Gary closed his eyes. He wanted to ask her about Pam but could assume since his Mom hadn’t mentioned her she wasn’t there. Where the hell could she be? What was so

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On the Run damn important that she couldn’t be here when I need her so much? ~ “Pam, what can I do for you?” Dr. Evans was sipping on a cup of tea, her face concerned. Pam knew she looked bad with her greasy hair in a ponytail, wearing a pair of ratty jeans and an old sweater. She definitely didn’t look herself. “My husband was seriously injured in a racing accident and when I found out last night, I had a really bad panic attack. It lasted for hours.” She hid her head in her hands. “Did you try any of those techniques we talked about for dealing with these ‘attacks’?” Dr. Evans asked, taking another sip of her tea. “I don’t know… I didn’t think about it, there was no time. I had to get Nathan to the hospital. My mother-inlaw called and I just…just freaked out. There was no time to think… I couldn’t function. So I found one of those pills, but I don’t know if that worked, either.” Talking about it now, Pam realized she could’ve done things a lot different if she had just calmed down a little bit. “Well, I told you that the anti-depressants I prescribed usually take four to six weeks to work at all and up to three months to fully work. Did you try getting into a quiet place or do the simple task that would physically wear you out, like raising your arms over your head?” Pam sighed and shrugged. “I just panicked. I didn’t know what to do.” Dr. Evans leaned forward. “Pam, I could up your dosage and that might help, a little. But you really need to try to control the attacks on your own. You really need to have someone to call to help you. A support system. You only make it worse keeping it inside like you do. Did you tell your ex-husband why you didn’t come?” “I haven’t even tried to talk to him. I talked to my friend Lizzie this morning and she said that he had broken

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Melanie Anderson ribs and a leg. And that he almost went into a coma. Then Shawn, Gary’s friend, called and cussed me out.” “You know, Pam, you are really going to have to work on not caring what other people think of you. I think you are underestimating your friends, but most of all your exhusband. You tell me you still love him and want him back, but I don’t know if that’s going to happen unless you tell him and let him help you. You need him and he most definitely needs you now. You keep thinking I’m going to give you a wonder cure, but for all you know you could have these attacks for the rest of your life. Hiding out isn’t going to help.” Pam started to wiggle a little in shame, knowing what Dr. Evan’s said was right. “I don’t know…” Dr Evans reached over and placed her hand over Pam’s. “I’m not criticizing you, dear. That’s not my job. I just think most of all you’re underestimating yourself. I think once you let go of this stigma that you’re crazy, you might beat it on your own.” Pam didn’t say anything. She didn’t know what to think. “Don’t worry about what anyone thinks. It’s you that you have to worry about. Don’t you want to be stronger for your son?” Pam looked up then. “Of course I do.” “Then stop hiding. Get out there and learn to live with this. Fight it on your own. I’ll be here to help you, too.” “I’ll think about it.” “Good. Now I’ll go ahead and up your dosage and see if that helps out. Remember, it takes awhile for the medicine to work completely. So you’ll still need to do those exercises we talked about. I want to see you next week, okay?” “Okay.” Dr. Evans came around and shook her hand. “I think you are one of the lucky ones who will beat this on her own.”

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On the Run “Thanks, Dr. Evans.” Pam wasn’t as sure as Dr. Evans seemed to be, but decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. ~ Gary was getting progressively better as the day went on. Physically that is. The doctor had told him that everything should heal cleanly and he’d be on his feet, with crutches, in a couple of days. The rib fractures were minor but he shouldn’t tax them. No heavy lifting or running for a while. Gary had a feeling that meant no racing either, but no one was saying that. There goes the championship, he thought. He felt himself slipping into a deep depression unlike anything he had ever known, even worse than the divorce. He tried to hide it when he had visitors but it seemed to be a losing battle. Especially when Shawn came in. “What’s up?” Shawn asked, walking into the room. “Look’s like my leg is,” he said in a weak attempt at a joke since they had his leg raised above him in the bed. They had finally moved him out of intensive care into his own room. Nathan had already been in to see him earlier and it had helped him heal some of the pain in his heart, but not all of it. Only one person could do that… “I called Pam.” Shawn said, sitting down next to his bed. “You did what?” As far as he knew, no one had talked to her since after the accident. “Yeah, I cussed her out. Real good, too. Told her she was a coward for not coming and being with you.” Gary rubbed his eyes. “Aww… Shawn, why’d you do that for?” Shawn shifted defensively, “Because she is, man, she should be here for you. I know you guys still have a thing for each other and if she still loved you, she’d be here.” “She probably has good reason.” Gary was trying hard to believe that.

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Melanie Anderson Shawn snorted, letting Gary know his opinion on that. “Gary, she’s been pulling your chains for years. I say good riddance to her. Now you can move on and find somebody else. She doesn’t deserve you.” Gary thought about how scared she had been that night he had stayed over. He knew she was hiding something from him and that it was so bad she didn’t even want to tell him. His instincts were telling him that it had something to do with her not coming to the hospital yesterday, but he just couldn’t figure out what. It was becoming increasingly harder to keep his patience with her. “Shawn, thanks, man, for trying to help, but just leave Pam alone. We’ll work out whatever is going on. Okay?” Shawn still looked disgruntled, but changed the subject. “So you going to be able to race for the rest of the season?” Leave it to Shawn to come to the heart of the matter. “I don’t know, man, nobody’s telling me, but I doubt it, you know?” He motioned to his legs and all the machinery. “Man, that sucks.” Shawn sat there for a moment, chewing that over. “We’ll really miss you, ya know.” Gary felt like crying, which he hadn’t felt like doing in a long time. It seemed like everything was falling down at one time and it was at that moment he realized that he had been racing for himself not just Pam and the pain of losing his hopes, at least for this season, was worse than the physical pain he was going through. “Well, Shawn, I’m getting tired, man. I’m worn out.” Gary just wanted everyone to leave him alone for the moment so that he wouldn’t lose it in front of them. “Sure, dude, I understand, you just get better, okay?” Gary nodded. “Thanks for coming, Shawn.” “No sweat.” After patting Gary on his good leg, he walked out.

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On the Run His mom came in, fussing that visiting hours were almost over and that everybody was going home. “Unless you want me to stay? Because I don’t care what the nurses say, if you want me to stay, I will.” “No, Mom, you go home, you look tired.” Gary just wanted everyone gone. He knew it was selfish but he couldn’t help it. It was tiring trying to be optimistic for everyone’s sake. “Okay, honey, we’ll be leaving then. Just remember, if you need anything, and I mean anything, you call me right away.” “Yes, Mom, I will.” He opened his arms out and she came over to give him a hug, being careful not to hurt him. “I’m sorry.” She whispered. He didn’t know what she was sorry for, his racing career, his injuries or Pam’s absence. He didn’t really care anyway; he just whispered back, “I know.” She gave him one last wave and then left. Nathan and his dad came in next to say goodbye. Every time he saw his dad, he could tell he felt awkward being in a hospital. Like Gary, they were both uncomfortable being around sick and injured people. He appreciated that his dad had been there as much as he had. “Well, son, get a good night rest and we’ll see you tomorrow.” He awkwardly patted Gary’s leg. “Thanks, Dad.” He turned to Nathan and opened his arms. “Come here, Nathan.” Nathan ran over and hugged him tight. Gary closed his eyes, trying not to cry. “I love you, Nate,” he whispered. “I love you, too, Dad. I hope you feel better.” He moved back, twirling his hair. “I will, Nate. And tomorrow you can sign my cast. Now give me a kiss goodbye and go home. You need your sleep.” Nate did as he was told, kissing Gary on his cheek. As he was pulling back he whispered to Gary, “I miss Mom.”

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Melanie Anderson Gary could feel his eyes closing up with tears and quickly wiped them away. “I do, too, son,” he said, his voice raw. “I’m sure you’ll see her soon.” But I won’t. “Bye, Dad.” Nathan said and then walked out of the room. As soon as they left, he turned off the light next to his bed. He could hear the other nurses and doctors talking and walking around out in the corridor but in his room his heart was breaking and he didn’t know what to do about it. What did someone do when all their dreams were gone in one day? He cried himself to sleep. ~ That night, Pam lay in bed aching all over. She knew she wasn’t sick, just scared. Her life was out of control and she couldn’t do anything about it. She knew that Gary probably hated her. Just like Shawn did and her in-laws did, too, maybe Lizzie as well. No, not Lizzie, she thought. Lizzie knew what was wrong with her. But she still knew that she was a coward. If she had just told Gary to begin with. It was just that Gary had always seemed to idolize her. Other than her awful singing voice, he didn’t seem to think she could do anything wrong. He even thought she could go to college like she always wanted. If he knew the truth, she was afraid that he would start having doubts about her and how she could raise Nathan. He might act like she was normal, but inside he might think she was crazy. He might never trust her again. Part of her knew these thoughts were irrational and that she needed to snap out of it, but the other part, the stronger part, would not rest. She could not talk to him until she was totally sane. Hopefully she would be someday.

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Chapter 14 The rest of week was uneventful. On Wednesday, Nathan came home from North Carolina, her in-laws dropping him off out front and not visiting, leaving Pam in no doubt about how they felt about her. Not that she blamed them. She went back to work and struggled for normalcy. She was taking her pills and didn’t have any more relapses that week. Bethany was concerned about her and Pam made excuses about having the flu. She felt bad for lying but wasn’t ready to confide in Bethany. She didn’t know if she’d ever be ready. Lizzie kept in touch with Shawn and called Pam with reports on Gary’s condition. If Shawn said anything to Lizzie about Pam, she wisely kept it to herself. Nathan had a lot of homework to make up and Pam spent most evenings helping him. After the initial comments about his father when he came home, he had little else to say about the trip. At night she would hand him the phone and leave him alone so he could make his phone calls to his grandparents and father. Gary hadn’t called her and Pam wasn’t surprised. She debated calling him, but didn’t know what she would say since she wasn’t ready to tell him truth and knew Gary wouldn’t settle for anything less…not this time. She knew hiding out from problems wasn’t helping anybody, but Thanksgiving was coming up and a visit to her parents—without Nathan. He was still going to visit his father. This holiday was always the hardest since it was also her wedding anniversary and she knew that if they had remained married, it would be their eleventh anniversary and that would send her into another bout of depression. For now, she just kept on with life. Going to work, taking care of Nathan and breathing in, breathing out. She figured the rest would work itself out and if a voice in the

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Melanie Anderson back of her mind was telling her life was never that simple, she just ignored it. ~ Gary was cranky and miserable. He was stuck at home with nothing to do. He couldn’t walk very far, even on crutches, because the injuries to his ribs made him winded. His car owner had made the right choice by having another driver finish off the season for him yet knowing that didn’t make it any easier. There were piles of fan mail in his foyer gathering dust, all get-well wishes and support from his fans. While he really appreciated it, he just couldn’t face it all right now. He ended up dictating a letter to his fan club president to leave on his web site. That was the best he could do for now. Shawn visited him often. So often that Gary had an urge to tell him not to. He was now the crew chief for the new driver and any reminders of racing upset Gary. It was just so disturbing to think of someone else in his car. He had watched the accident repeatedly on tape, making sure nobody knew he even had a copy of it. They had all gone to great lengths to make sure he didn’t see it, but he had his sources. Over and over he sat watching it, rewriting history in his head, deciding what he would have done differently. It didn’t help. He did all this in an attempt to try and forget Pam. Even if she couldn’t have gone to the hospital, he still kept expecting her to call and explain. Anything at all would be nice…a postcard, a telegram, anything to let him know she cared. He thought they had been making a new beginning before the crash, but obviously not. Maybe she didn’t even want him now that he wasn’t racing. The problem was that he knew Pam wasn’t like that. She loved racing but would have been just as happy if he had quit. None of it made sense to him. He hated having a problem that he couldn’t logically figure out. ~

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On the Run On Friday, Nathan brought home an invitation to a birthday party and one of the mothers who lived in the neighborhood called and offered to pick him up. Pam was grateful and thanked her profusely when she picked him up. It was a sleepover so that meant she had Saturday to herself. She had never felt so alone. She spent most of the day cleaning the house—something she had put off as long as possible. Dressed in an old pair of sweats and a ratty flannel shirt of Gary’s, she tackled the chore of dusting and vacuuming with as much enthusiasm as someone facing the electric chair. The afternoon was waning away when around three o’clock, Pam heard a knock on the door. She was upstairs cleaning Nathan’s bathroom and it threw her for a loop. She wasn’t expecting anybody. Could it be Gary? She shook that thought away, because as far as she knew Gary wasn’t driving yet. Even if he were, he wouldn’t have made the long trip in his condition. She had no idea who it could be. She walked down the stairs and opened the door. It was Tom. Pam stood in shock, staring at him in the doorway. He looked as sleazy as ever, wearing a silk buttoned down shirt and a new pair of jeans, so new they still had creases in them. The shirt was buttoned down low so you could see the few hairs on his chest and his gold chain with a pentagram charm. Something that looked left over from his heavy metal days. What the fuck? She thought to herself. “What are you doing here?” she asked, still astounded he was actually at her house. “Hey, baby,” he said, fake charm oozing though his voice. “Aren’t you gonna invite me in?” “No.” She said. “Just leave. I don’t want you here.”

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Melanie Anderson He moved forward, brushing her aside like a fly. She had forgotten how pushy he was. Pissed, she followed him into the house, leaving the door open so she could push him back out. “Do you understand English? I said to leave.” “I’m just coming for a social visit. Maybe have a drink. Where are your manners?” “Where are yours?” she shot back. “Don’t you know it’s rude to push yourself into somebody’s house?” She watched helplessly as he started walking through her house. He turned back around and studied her. “I’d hate to tell you, babe, but you don’t look so hot.” She held her breath and counted to ten. She gave up at five. “I don’t care what I look like, since you aren’t staying. Now get out of my house before I call the police.” “Chill out. I’m just coming to be sociable. When I saw you the other day, I realized how stupid I was to let a good thing go.” He leered at her. Gross. “I’m serious, Tom. I will call the police. I didn’t invite you here and what we had was a long time ago.” She started walking toward the door, hoping he’d get the hint and follow her, of course, if he were that smart he wouldn’t have come here in the first place. He stood stubbornly in her living room while Gordon just hid behind a picture frame, watching him. That’s it. Tomorrow I’m getting a pit bull. “Tom…” She said sternly. She had never been in this kind of situation before. He wouldn’t leave her house. She might really have to call the police. Just at that moment the phone rang. The closest phone was near Tom on an end table. Pam started walking toward it, hoping against hope that it would be someone who could help her. Preferably the FBI. Just before she reached it, however, much to her own horror, Tom picked the phone up himself.

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On the Run “Oh, hello there. I haven’t talked to you in awhile. Yeah, I’m standing here looking at your wife.” She sat down hard on the loveseat. Shit. Why of all the times in the world he could’ve called me, did he pick now? Is the whole world against me? “Yeah, man, she don’t look to hot. You know how she looks after she just gets out of bed.” Pam slapped her hand against her forehead repeatedly. Damn, damn, damn. “She invited me.” Okay, that’s it. “I did not.” She yelled as loud as she could. “I was trying to kick him out.” “Man, that wasn’t nice to say. There’s no reason for violence.” Tom’s voice just oozed fake charm. “I was thinking you could come over and make this a threesome.” Tom stood with his ear to the receiver, then quickly pulled it away. “Tsk, tsk, I think he just hung up on me.” “That’s it,” Pam said, seething with rage, “Get. The. Fuck. Out. NOW.” “No.” He started walking towards her. “I haven’t got what I came for.” Pam backed out of the living room, scanning left and right for a weapon. That did not sound good at all. “You know, I haven’t forgotten what you and your husband did to me at that party and I’ve waited all this time for my payback. Did you really think I would forget? I don’t want you. You’re just an old hag. But I do want that asshole to know that I had his woman.” Pam was feeling more and more frightened. She had really underestimated Tom. Just like she had all those years ago. She started to run towards the door, which was still opened, but he was faster and threw himself against it, shutting it before she could get there. Pam turned to run the other way and screamed in fear when he grabbed her. He wrapped his arms around her from behind and his hand covered her mouth, smothering her.

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Melanie Anderson He whispered in her ear, “Bitch, we are going to have a good time, you and me. I’m going to do you and hurt you, and then you’re going to go crying to your pussy husband. He won’t want you after he knows what a good time I showed you.” Pam was shaken to the core. She knew he was going to rape her and she had to do something. Her heart was pounding and she couldn’t remember anything she had learned at those safety seminars she had attended. She leaned forward and using as much strength as she could muster, swung her leg back and kicked him hard. She missed her target, his groin, but she managed to hurt him enough he loosened his hold. As quickly as she could she ducked out of his grasp, leaving Tom jumping up and down, holding his leg and moaning and started running up the steps. One part of her mind thought about the backdoor and dismissed it since her yard was so large and she was not a runner. He would catch her before she got anywhere. A phone. She needed a phone. Running into her room, she slammed the door behind her and used all the strength she had left to push the bureau in front of the door. She could hear Tom stomping up the steps, yelling her name. Quickly she grabbed the phone and put it to her ear. Nothing. Damn it, he must’ve left it off the hook. Cell phone. She ran over to her nightstand and picked it up, thinking, please let something go right. Her mind was running in circles like her son’s hamster in his wheel while Tom was pounding on the door, roaring in anger. She pressed the button on the side of the phone for power. She waited for the phone to turn on, jumping around nervously attempting to ignore Tom’s attempts to get in. Focus, I must focus.

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On the Run Finally, after what seemed to be an hour to Pam’s panic stricken brain, the phone turned completely on. 9-1-1, she thought, I must call 9-1-1. She pressed 9-11, then the send button and waited. Tom was hitting the door with something large, and the bureau was shaking and threatening to collapse. Pam realized that he must’ve been using the chair from the alcove in the hallway. She scurried over and leaned against the bureau, feeling the vibrations through her back. “Hurry,” she whispered. ~ Gary could hardly breathe. His fractured ribs were hurting like hell and making it difficult to breathe. He was angry. Deadly angry. He hadn’t felt this degree of fury in along time. Pam was with Tom and there wasn’t a fucking thing he could do about it. A small voice in his head was telling him there was something wrong with this situation since Pam knew better than to invite Tom inside her house. But the other voice, the irrational, jealous voice, remembered how she hadn’t called him, how she had not bothered to see him in the hospital and how she all together did not seem to give a shit about him. He lay immobile in the bed wishing he had the strength to get up and kick some ass. Maybe, go up to Virginia and chew them both out. How could she do this to him? Why? He felt his heart break into a million pieces and all that was left over was the anger. Fuck her. ~ Finally, a voice picked up on the other end of the line. “9-1-1 Operator. What’s the emergency?” Pam was breathing hard, feeling faint. This was a real panic attack. “There is a man,” she paused to catch her breath. “In my house. He wants to rape me.” “Okay, ma’am, just be calm. What’s your location?”

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Melanie Anderson Pam gave her the address, speaking slowly, trying to remain coherent. Tom was still beating the door, but he had slowed down some and was now yelling, “Cunt. Bitch. Let me the fuck in. Fucking bitch. I will kill you, bitch.” Pam closed her eyes and focused on the operator’s voice. “Ma’am, you just wait where you are, a patrol car is on their way. Just stay on the line until help arrives.” The beating on the door stopped and all was silent. Pam didn’t know if he had left for real or if was a trick and he was just waiting for her to come out. She leaned against the bureau straining to hear sound from the hallway. After about five minutes, she whispered into the phone, “I think he’s gone.” “Ma’am, just stay in the room until an officer can get there and secure the scene.” “O—okay,” Pam said, her teeth chattering as shock took over. Pounding started coming from the front door. “I hear knocking on the front door.” “Hold on,” the lady said. She came back. “Ma’am, that’s the officer at your door. He’s going to break in the door.” “Okay.” Her voice sounded small, even to her. From downstairs she could here the officer yelling, “Police, we’re coming in.” BAM. The front door crashed open. “Check downstairs.” The officer was talking to someone else downstairs. It all sounded hollow coming from far away. The doorknob to her bedroom started to rattle and she pushed the bureau with all her remaining strength and managed to move it far enough so the officer could walk in. It was over. ~

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On the Run Flashing red and blue lights from the patrol cars lit up the night sky. The officers had secured the scene hours ago while Pam sat on her front stoop with a blanket around her. At the moment a female detective, Stephanie, was questioning her in a soothing tone. “You say you know this man?” Pam sighed and for what seemed like the hundredth time said, “Yes, I dated him in high school. His name is Tom.” “Okay.” Pam went on, “I saw Tom not too long ago at a bar, Woofs. I guess he got the idea we could get back together. He was going to rape me.” “You say the name of the bar is Woofs?” Stephanie was writing on a pad of paper. “Yes, our friend Wolfman owns it.” She took a deep breath. “Well actually that’s his nickname. I’m not sure what his real name is.” Stephanie kept asking Pam questions and she answered them as succinctly as she could. Finally as the questions were coming to an end, she asked Pam, “Do you need to go to the hospital or anything? Is there anyone we can call?” Pam couldn’t think. “No, my son is at a friend’s house.” Softly, she added, “I’m just glad he wasn’t here.” “We could have a patrolman stay to make sure he doesn’t come back.” Pam was grateful. “Oh, thank you. That would make me feel so much better.” Stephanie flipped closed her notebook. “We will check out the area, get this description out. If there is anything else you think of or if he makes contact again, give me a call.” She handed Pam her card. “I will, thank you so much,” Pam said. Stephanie walked away.

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Melanie Anderson The policemen were getting ready to leave and all of a sudden Pam started to panic. She grabbed her cell phone and called Lizzie. “Lizzie, I need you.”

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Chapter 15 After Pam told Lizzie the whole story, Lizzie looked shellshocked, just staring at Pam with her mouth wide open. “Well, say something,” Pam said. Lizzie’s silence was unnerving. “I ju—just can’t believe it. What I mean is that I knew he was a jerk but to try and rape you. That’s unbelievable.” Lizzie’s hand shook as she lifted the coffee cup to her lips. “You can look at the door upstairs if you don’t believe me.” “Pam, I didn’t—” “No, I apologize. I know what you mean. It’s a shock to me as well. I just can’t believe he would do something like this.” “You said Gary called you? Did you try to yell help or anything?” “He did call when Tom was here, but that was before he attacked me. At that time, all I was worried about was Gary getting the wrong impression.” Pam poured more cream in her coffee and stirred it absentmindedly, watching the brown and white swirls. “Hmm… Do the cops have any idea where Tom might be?” Pam shook her head. “They could see his tire tracks as he hightailed it out of here, but he wasn’t here when they arrived. I told them about Woofs’s and they have an APB out on him. Hopefully he will be too stupid to hide.” She shivered. Delayed shock was setting in. “What about your gun?” Pam looked confused. “What about it?” “Did you try and use it?” Pam shrugged. “All I was thinking about was calling the police. I don’t think I even thought about the gun. It’s all a blur.” “Well I’m going to take care of you. You can’t stay here alone tonight. Should I call Andrew to come watch

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Melanie Anderson the house?” Lizzie stood up and emptied out her coffee mug. “I don’t think so. The detective, Stephanie, said they would have a patrolman watch the house.” She sipped her coffee. “Well, I’m going to call him anyway and he can stay with us inside the house. Maybe he can even fix the door.” Pam hadn’t even thought about the door. The thought of Andrew, the executive, fixing her door was the first amusing thought she’d had since this horror had begun. ~ Gary was woken from a deep sleep by the sound of the phone ringing. Turning on the light he looked at the clock. Twelve-thirty in the morning. Who the hell could this be? “Hello.” His voice was groggy. His chest hurt like hell. The pills weren’t working as well as they should be. “Gary, it’s Wolfman.” “What do you want?” “It’s about Pam—” Gary was fed up of thinking about her. “I don’t want to hear it.” “But Tom—” “Look, Wolfman, I know all about Pam and Tom and frankly I don’t give a fuck. Now I’m in pain and trying to sleep. Don’t call me again.” “But—” He hung up on Wolfman’s stuttering protestations. Damn it. Doesn’t anybody care about my feelings? ~ Pam woke up screaming. She’d had a nightmare where Tom had been back in the house and was trying to get back in the room. Lizzie was holding her hand, leaning over her. She had been sleeping in Nathan’s room, which was one door away from Pam’s. “Ssh… It’s okay, it’s Lizzie, and I’m here.”

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On the Run “Oh, Lizzie, it was terrible. He was here and he—” Pam was breathing so hard, she couldn’t get the rest of the sentence out. “Calm down. It’s okay. Just breathe. Okay, deep breath, that’s right, now let it out. Very good.” Pam smiled sardonically. “Are we having a baby?” “There’s the old Pammie, I know you’re feeling better when you start being a smart-ass again.” Pam chuckled; she did feel a little better. Still a little scared, but much stronger. A thought hit her and she took Lizzie’s hand and held on. “Lizzie, you can’t tell Nathan.” Lizzie looked confused, “Okay, I won’t but—” “And you can’t tell Gary.” Now Lizzie sat down. “Why?” “Because he’ll just say I told you so. Or worse yet, what if he decides I’m an unfit mother? Letting strange men into my house?” Pam was frantic, giving Lizzie imploring looks. “I think you’re being paranoid, Pam.” The disbelief was coming through in her words. “I mean, I’ve kept a lot from Gary, but this is ridiculous.” “No, Lizzie,” Pam looked down, thinking about her next words, “What I’m really worried about is Gary finding out and trying to kill Tom. Lizzie, Gary’s injured, I can’t have him hurt worse. What if I promise to tell him when I think the time is right?” Lizzie seemed to mull over this for a moment. “I kind of see your point about Gary hurting himself more, but Pam, right now he thinks you’re with Tom. Do you really want him thinking that?” “No.” Pam admitted. “But as long as he thinks that, he will leave Tom alone. Let the police worry about Tom. When they catch him, I can tell Gary.” Lizzie sighed. “Fine, but I still think you might be making a big mistake, but right now, you really need to invest in some security. You have Nathan here, too, you know.”

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Melanie Anderson Pam was relieved she had agreed to go along with her plan. “Of course I will. In fact I will call today and hopefully I can get someone to come out on a Sunday. Then I’ll get a dog. Gordon won’t like it, but who cares? He wasn’t much help yesterday.” Lizzie stood up. “Well, I guess this will be a busy day, so let’s try to get some of it done before Nathan gets home this afternoon.” Pam stood up and touched Lizzie’s cheek. “Thank you Lizzie. How will I ever repay you for everything you’ve done for me?” Lizzie smiled, “Oh, I’ll think of something.” ~ Gary’s days slowly flowed into one. He didn’t know what day of the week it was and he didn’t care. His mom would call him and Gary would answer all her questions correctly. Yes, he was taking care of himself. Yes, he was going to physical therapy. Yes, he was taking it slowly so he wouldn’t overtax his ribs. Yes, he was miserable and hating life. He didn’t say the last one, of course. He was forcing himself to sound positive on the phone, while inside he was anything but. It was true that physically he was doing a lot better since his ribs were healing and he could walk downstairs on crutches without stopping on each step to take a breath. But inside he was slowly dying. It was just so hard to believe that less than two weeks ago his life had been going so good. He had been so close to winning a championship after all the years of trying. His dream had been so close. Then of course there was Pam. He never forgot Pam. They had been communicating before the accident, and he felt they had been close to having a breakthrough. He had finally seen the light at the end of the tunnel, but then…

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On the Run It had been hard enough for him to accept that she didn’t want to visit him in the hospital, but then to have her hooked up with Tom. He couldn’t forget calling on the phone and hearing his voice telling him that Pam had just gotten out of bed. If she hadn’t wanted him there, then why had she let him in? Instincts he ignored screamed that there might be more there than meets the eye, but in his self-misery he refused to listen. He just wanted to get through this day and then the next, until the pain finally went away, the physical pain and the pain of a broken heart. He was sitting on his recliner with the leg propped up, watching football and since football was on, he assumed that meant it was Sunday, race day. He knew that if he changed the channel he would be able to see the race, but something inside would not allow him to do that. Better to not see it at all than to see what he could’ve had. He didn’t even want to know who won, or who was getting closer to the championship. In another week it would be over and it would not be Gary accepting the Championship trophy. Anne walked into the room, making tsking sounds. “Are you going to sit on this chair all day? I thought the doctor told you it would be okay to get up once in awhile. Your family is coming next week and I’m expected to cook a big Thanksgiving meal and you just sit here feeling sorry for yourself.” She walked past him, hitting him on the head with her duster. “Lay off, won’t you?” Gary turned the television up to drown out her voice. “Oh, now you’re the boss, huh? Big talk from a man who won’t even get up. You could at least go check Carlo’s work outside. There are leaves all over the front yard. I swear that man is blind.” Gary knew that Anne’s definition of “leaves all over the front yard” meant that there was probably about three

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Melanie Anderson or four stray leaves that had dared to fall off the tree since Carlos had last raked. “I’m sure he’s doing fine. You know that I don’t care about that. Leave him alone.” Gary stared pointedly at the screen, hoping she’d get the hint. But Anne, in the four years she had been working with him, had never gotten a hint. “Well, you should care,” she said huffily. “You don’t want your parents to think that your employee is falling down on the job, do you?” “If you don’t stop,” he growled, “I might have one less employee.” “Ooee,” she said sarcastically, “the big boss is going to fire me. What shall I do?” She shook her head. “Why don’t you get up and do something. It’s depressing watching you waste away.” He was getting fed up with her mouth. “I will get up when I’m ready,” he said between his teeth, “Why don’t you just leave me alone?” She threw up her hands. “Fine, fine, that’s just fine. You sit here all day like a lump on a log. Why should I care? I’m just the loyal servant, here to do your bidding. Just act like I’m not here.” She walked out of the room, vibrating with anger. Gary sighed; now he was going to have to do damage control. Why couldn’t people just leave him alone? ~ Life resumed for Pam. She went back to work on Monday, feeling safer with the knowledge that she had a new alarm system. Pam and Nathan were going that afternoon to pick out a dog at the shelter. Adopting appealed to Pam because she would rather rescue a dog than get a puppy she’d have to train. She kept in constant touch with the police. They hadn’t found Tom yet, but they did have some leads on some of his friends in the area. She assumed they must have talked to Wolfman since she had given them his

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On the Run name. She often wondered if he had told Gary about what had happened, especially considering how “tight” they seemed to be, but she had no idea and didn’t want to call and find out. The only time Pam felt scared now was late at night when she would lie huddled under the covers, listening to the inevitable groans and creaks all old houses make. The only thing that made her feel better was the fact that there would be no next time. If he were brave enough to come back now, he would regret it. This time she planned to have the gun loaded and ready. There was no way in hell he was getting in the house with her son home. She had called Dr. Evans who had sounded worried and wanted Pam to come in for an appointment as soon as possible, but Pam had denied her because she had so much to do with Thanksgiving coming up. She’d promised to make an appointment after that. The strange thing was that she felt a strength she had never felt before. It was as if Tom attacking her and her escape made her feel like she was invincible, like it had given her a surge of power and entitlement. Nobody was going to hurt her again. Except, of course, Gary. He was the only one who had the power to hurt her. He had called on Sunday evening to talk to Nate and no words were spoken as Pam just handed her son the phone. She really wanted to talk to him since she had so much to explain, but she just didn’t know where to start and wasn’t sure she was even ready for it yet. She was planning on talking to him after Thanksgiving; like Scarlett O’Hara, she was putting everything off until the next day, but she needed to get all her resources together. She also planned on giving him an anniversary present he would never forget, if she could get close enough.

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Chapter 16 The day before Thanksgiving was cold with a hint of snow in the air. Pam had heard on the radio that the weather forecasters were predicting flurries by the end of the day. Nathan was waiting for his grandparents to pick him up to go for his big weekend trip. He was racing from the living room to the door and then back again. He had packed all his stuff the night before and his suitcase was waiting in the foyer. Pam didn’t want Nate to leave. She wanted him here for Thanksgiving with her. The house was always too quiet when he was gone. At least they had a dog now. She looked over at Ruffles lying next to the couch. He was a wrinkled mixedbreed hound dog and was lazy for the most part, but when he saw a rabbit in the back yard he could run like the wind. The best part about Ruffles was his deep melodious bark. It was more like a howl and hopefully would scare anyone, especially Tom, if they tried to break in. Hell, it had even scared Pam when she first heard it. She hadn’t heard a word from Tom, and unfortunately neither had the police. One part of her hoped he had gone away and the other part was scared he hadn’t. “Mom, when are they going to get here?” Nathan asked, jumping from foot to foot almost like he had ants in his pants. Pam hated when he whined. “I’m sure they will be here soon.” Pam was sitting on the couch, staring blankly at the television set. “Grandma said we are having turkey at Dad’s house.” Nathan was hanging over the arm of the chair, rocking back and forth. What? As long as she could remember they had always had dinner at Marie’s house. “Why are you having it at Dad’s?”

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On the Run Nathan jumped off the chair and ran into the foyer to look out the window. He yelled, “Because Dad still doesn’t feel good so he wants it at his house.” Pam wanted to know more but didn’t feel right grilling her own son. Communications between Lizzie and Shawn had broken down when it came to Gary’s condition, and according to Lizzie, Gary had stopped talking to Shawn as well. Pam’s ears picked up the sound of a car driving down the long driveway. Ruffles heard it, too, and started howling. It sounded a lot like “Woo, woo, woo, woo.” He got off his spot of the floor and stood at the door, his ears perked up. Nathan started jumping up and down. “They’re here, they’re here!” Pam’s heart started beating fast as she got up to go to the door, afraid of the reception she would get from her former in-laws. She didn’t know if Gary had told them anything about Tom, but she knew they would be chilly no matter what. Nathan opened the door and ran outside with Ruffles following behind. Pam quickly walked over and shouted, “Ruffles, come back here.” Pam watched Ruffles and Nathan jumping around as Marie got out of the Lincoln. Ruffles tried to leap up on her, but Marie quickly averted the move. Nathan’s voice carried up to Pam. “…Do you see my new dog, Grandma? His name is Ruffles and—” Pam walked back in the house and grabbed the handle of Nathan’s rolling suitcase. She pulled it outside and down the two steps to the sidewalk that lead to the driveway. Marie looked up when she saw Pam and her eyes seemed to study her. Pam just wanted to hide. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail and there were bags under her eyes. She had been

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Melanie Anderson so distraught that she hadn’t bothered with makeup. She was wearing a pair of baggy sweats with a T-shirt and old tennis shoes. Marie continued to study her, but Pam didn’t see any anger. What was that all about? When Pam got close to where Marie and Nathan were standing she said, “Hello, Pam.” Her voice was bland without any hint of inflection. “Marie, how are you?” Pam tried to smile, but was afraid it didn’t look genuine. She was shaking inside and trying to hold it together. “I’m good. I’m just happy it’s Thanksgiving and I get to share it with my favorite grandson.” She smiled down at Nathan, and ruffled his hair. Nathan was their only grandson since Gary was an only child. “Oh, yeah, well Nathan has been really looking forward to it.” Pam kept her voice level to match Marie’s, feeling the strain. “Come on, Grandma, let’s go.” Nathan was grabbing Marie’s sleeve and pulling her toward the car. “Nathan,” Pam said, “Don’t be rude. You can’t leave yet anyway, boy. Where’s my kiss?” Nathan let go of Marie’s jacket and ran to Pam, holding out his arms. Pam kneeled down and hugged him close, giving him a kiss. She felt tears come to her eyes and quickly wiped them away. “I’ll miss you, Nate.” She cleared her throat. “I’ll miss you, too, Mom.” Nathan pulled away and Pam smoothed down his hair. “Have a great Thanksgiving and don’t eat too much turkey and throw up.” “Gross, Mom,” Nathan said, giggling. “I won’t. I’m going to get the leg.” Nathan had wanted a turkey leg each year as long as Pam could remember. “The leg.” Pam said, properly impressed. “Wow. I guess you’re a big boy now, huh. Okay, then… I love

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On the Run you.” She looked up at Marie who was watching them, still no expression on her face. “Yeah, Mom.” Nathan said, walking away. “I love you, too.” Pam stood back up, watching Nathan running to the car. She could just see the shadow of Jack in the driver’s seat and felt bad he wouldn’t even get out of the car, even if she understood the reason. Marie spoke, drawing Pam’s attention back to her. “We’ll take good care of him.” Her voice was surprisingly gentle. “Have a good Thanksgiving, Pam.” Pam hid her surprise. “You, too.” Marie wore a tight smile as she started walking over to the car, but then she stopped, turned around and said, “I’m not sure what’s going on with you, Pam, but I think I know you better than this. Whoever you are now, is not the Pam I know. I just hope one day I’ll see her again. I know my son really misses her.” After that shocking statement, she got in the car and closed the door. Pam just stood in the yard, not knowing what to think. Ruffles started running after the car, barking, then gave up and walked back to her. He turned around twice, then laid down and let out a deep sigh. She looked down at the dog. “I know what you mean, boy.” She turned around and walked back to the house. ~ Gary walked through his house, looking around at everything coming together nicely for Thanksgiving. He walked into the living room, still with a slight limp, knowing that if his leg got too bad, he could grab his cane. But it was still early and he was tired of using it. He refused to give into his injuries. His ribs had healed nicely and he hardly had any discomfort from them at all. His mom had called earlier that morning from her cell phone to say that they had picked up Nathan and were on their way. He wanted to ask if she had seen Pam and how she was doing. He wanted to ask if she had been alone, but

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Melanie Anderson he couldn’t. He was doing his best imitation of a man who did not give a damn, knowing it was all an act. He ached like he had never ached before and he was tired of it. He just wanted to confront her once and for all and find out what the hell was wrong with her. Why had she let that dick head into the house? Why had she left him alone and broken in the hospital? But he was also afraid of the answers. Maybe he should just let it go. ~ Pam sank down on her couch with a sigh. She wasn’t ready for Thanksgiving, and she definitely wasn’t ready for her parents’ house. She had never felt so weak in all her life. She was pregnant. She still hadn’t come to grips with it yet. One time. One time they hadn’t used birth control and this happened. Earlier that week she had gone to Dr. Andrews because she was more tired than she had ever been and had quit her medicine, thinking that was the reason, but after five days of feeling that way, she had been worried enough to make an appointment. Dr. Andrews had blood taken for tests so that he could make his diagnosis. When he had gotten the results, he had called her back into his office. “You’re pregnant, Pam.” Her heart had sunk. “Since I know your history, I don’t have to ask if it was planned.” Pam had said the first thing on her mind. “What about the pills I’ve been taking? Would they hurt, uh, it?” She couldn’t say baby yet. She had to get it resolved in her mind first. “You said you stopped taking them, right?” Dr. Andrews asked. “Well, yes, but just about six days ago, up until then I was taking them every day.” Dr. Andrews sat back in his chair. “We can keep an eye on the fetus to make sure there are no side effects or

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On the Run birth defects, take an amniocentesis in a couple of months, but I have to say in my opinion, there shouldn’t be anything wrong with it. As long as you don’t take anymore and stay healthy.” Even though this had relieved her mind, it still didn’t help her with her main concern. She was pregnant with Gary’s baby. How the hell was she going to tell him? Now a week later, she still didn’t know what to do. Denial was only going to get her so far. She wanted to tell Gary, but knowing how he felt about her, he would probably think it was Tom’s and then she’d have to tell Gary about Tom attacking her. The thought of telling him everything was enough to scare her half to death. She hadn’t even told Lizzie about the pregnancy yet. She just couldn’t. She wanted to keep it to herself until she could get a handle on it. Even just sitting on the couch made Pam tired. She needed to go upstairs and sleep on it and hope the answers would come in the morning. One part of her had already accepted that she was going to have to make a trip to North Carolina and soon. ~ When Gary opened the door, Nathan ran in first and threw his arms around him. “Dad. I’m so happy to see you. What’d you buy me?” Gary laughed. “You spoiled brat. Who said I bought you anything?” Nathan was jumping up and down. “I know you did, where is it?” Gary’s mom walked in behind Nathan. “Nathan, behave dear. There is no need for you to be so greedy.” She hugged Gary and started taking her coat off and Gary moved quickly to assist her. “Hey, Mom.” He went to hang her coat in the closet. “Where’s Dad?”

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Melanie Anderson “Oh, he’s coming.” She waved toward the door. “You know how he is…slow. How are you doing?” Her face showed her concern as she studied him. “Much better.” He said, changing the subject fast. “Wait until you see what Anne has been cooking. It must be good, since she’s been grumpier than ever and won’t let anybody near the kitchen.” He rolled his eyes. “Do I get a leg?” Nathan smirked, looking so much like Pam, Gary had to turn away. “Of course you get a leg. I told Anne to save you one.” “Cool.” Nathan shouted then started up the stairs to his room. Marie rolled her eyes and went to pick up Nathan’s suitcase. “Mom, leave that. Carlo will get it.” Like magic, Carlo appeared to collect Nathan’s suitcase and Gary’s parent’s suitcase, which Jack had just brought in. Jack helped Carlo carry some and they both headed to the stairway. Gary looked back at his mom. “Do you want a drink or anything?” He led her towards the living room. “Sure.” She said from behind him. “There’s something I wanted to talk to you about.” Gary paused then kept walking. “What about?” “First a drink.” He walked into the room. “What do you like?” he asked, walking behind the bar. “Do you have any wine?” She sat down on the couch, and settled in. Gary had a feeling that this was going to be a long night. “Sure,” he answered, picking out a bottle of his mom’s favorite wine, then pouring some into a wineglass and walking over to hand it to her. “Thank you.” She took a delicate sip. Gary walked back around the bar, took out a beer for himself and then walked back around to sit in the armchair close to where his mother was sitting. His leg had started aching, and he had a feeling he was going to need all his strength for this conversation.

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On the Run Marie set her class down on the coffee table and looked over at Gary. She took a deep breath, like she was preparing for battle. “What’s wrong with Pam?” His mouth dropped open. Of all the things she could have said, that one was the most shocking. “How would I know?” He sounded defensive. “I thought we were getting along fine, then she stopped talking to me. She wouldn’t see me in the hospital and she started seeing someone else.” His words had an edge to them. Marie was shaking her head. “Now, see, that just doesn’t make sense to me. You haven’t seen her all these years, but I have. It’s not like her to change like this. She’s never been one to be scared, but she seems scared to me, and not only that, she seems tired. She’s not happy, no matter what you think. I’m worried about her.” Gary rubbed his hands over his face and groaned. “Mom, I don’t know what to say to you. She’s hasn’t been the same person to me since the divorce. I don’t know what’s wrong with her. I guess she’s not the woman I married.” Marie and Gary sat in silence for a moment. Gary took a swig of his beer, not sure what else to say. Hearing his mom voice his own worries out loud made him realize that he shouldn’t have shut the door so fast on Pam. He had known something was wrong with her when he’d spent the night, but didn’t think it was anything serious but then he was injured… “She wouldn’t come to see me in the hospital. Not even to bring Nathan.” He stopped. “That seems weird to me. I mean, even if she didn’t want to see me, you know she would have brought Nate. Why did she have Lizzie bring him?” Marie leaned forward. “See, that’s what I’m talking about. That seemed so odd to me. At first I didn’t think about it because we were so worried about you. I let the

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Melanie Anderson anger take over. But now I’m beginning to think we should have asked her why.” He thought out loud. “And that thing with Tom was strange, too. We had just had a conversation about how she would avoid him and how much she didn’t like him. Why would she go running to him?” Marie took a drink from her glass. “You know, Gary, I think you should bring Nate home and talk to her. I know your leg isn’t doing that well, but Carlo could drive you. Or maybe Shawn.” Gary agreed. “I’ll take care of it. You’re right. Pam and I do need to talk. I’m never going to get a moment’s peace until I figure out what is wrong with her.” He felt better now that he had a plan. ~ Pam walked around the house, turning off all the lights with Ruffles following behind, hoping for a treat before bed. It felt better having him than nobody around at all, but it still wasn’t the same. The house was just too quiet without Nathan’s constant chattering or arguing over bedtime. Lizzie and Andrew had been going to counseling to see if there was anything left in their relationship to hold on to and Pam wished them luck. She knew how hard relationships were. She just wished that she had thought of counseling before she ran scared and filed for divorce. Walking into her bedroom, Ruffles passed her and jumped on her bed. Of course he took up most of the whole thing, the big lug. Usually Pam would yell at him to get down, but she figured it would not hurt tonight. After all, it’s not like she didn’t know that the dog usually slept with Nathan anyway. They just didn’t think she knew. She wondered how Nathan was doing and if he was having fun with his father and grandparents. Getting ready for bed, she stood in her room naked and pressed a hand against her stomach. She still couldn’t believe there was a life in there. She just wondered what Gary’s reaction

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On the Run would be. She hoped he wouldn’t deny it was his, like some sleazy talk show episode. She didn’t want to have to go through a DNA test. She had mixed feelings about being pregnant not sure if she was ready to start over with a new baby. Then there was the thought of bringing him into a divorced family and how unfair that was to everybody. After pulling her nightshirt over her head, she sat down on the side of the bed and absentmindedly patted Ruffles. There were so many questions and so few answers. She needed to put them aside so she could get through the visit to her parents the next day. After all, it was Thanksgiving and she needed to start thinking about what she was thankful for instead of dwelling on mistakes in the past. Turning out the light she curled into a ball and promptly fell into a deep dreamless sleep.

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Chapter 17 On Thanksgiving morning, Pam woke up to a quiet house with no Nathan, no turkey cooking, just her, a dog, and a cat that had been in hiding since the dog’s arrival. She turned on the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade to cut through the silence. She always enjoyed listening to it even if she didn’t watch it. Lizzie called around eight to see how she was. “Hey, honey, Happy Thanksgiving. How are you?” Pam had been in the middle of getting ready for her parents with her towel wrapped around her head like a turban and only in a robe she had put on after her shower. She held the receiver between her ear and shoulder while shaving her legs at the same time. “I’m good. Happy Thanksgiving to you, too.” She scraped up one leg, nicking herself once. It was her usual routine and the sting reminded her that she was still the same person. “I’ve been worried about you.” Pam could hear Andrew in the background. “I wish I could come and see you more.” Pam knew better than to ask about the counseling when Andrew was in the room with her. “Well, I’ve been thinking of you, too. How’s everything going?” Lizzie sighed and lowered her voice a slight bit. “You know, same old, same old.” Pam could tell she was talking about the counseling and knew instinctively that it wasn’t going well. “Oh, well, we will have to talk about it one of these days. I have some news for you, too.” She knew she’d have to tell Lizzie about the pregnancy soon since Lizzie would never forgive her if she found out she was hiding something so important from her. “Well, honey, I’d like to chat, but we are going to my parents today, too. Call me tomorrow and let me know how it goes.”

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On the Run “Same to you. Say hi to Andrew for me.” Pam moved from the left leg to the right leg, noticing Ruffles studying her from the floor like he was waiting for something. He was starting to give her the creeps watching her all the time. “Will do,” Lizzie was saying. “I’ll talk to you later. Love ya, sweetie.” “Love you, too.” Pam disconnected the phone and dropped it to the floor. She inspected her legs and figured they were good enough for now. She usually didn’t even shave her legs during the winter but she was wearing a dress today. She looked over at the dress, sighing a little. It was beautiful. It was a plain black dress with a short wool jacket in different shades of brown, and looked really good with her hazel eyes. She had high-heeled black platform shoes with straps around the ankles. Standing up and walking to the closet, she ignored Ruffles when he started walking to the door. “No, we’re not going anywhere.” She murmured to the dog. It was time to get dressed and go. She didn’t look forward to going to her parents but knew anything would be better than listening to the silence of the house. ~ Gary was standing on the balcony outside his bedroom drinking coffee and enjoying the early morning quiet. Days like this he missed Pam so much it hurt especially since Thanksgiving was the day they had gotten married so many years ago. He wondered what she was doing and if she was thinking about it, too. Sighing, he watched the birds fighting over seeds at the bird feeders that Carlo kept outside the garage. So much had happened since that day, and he couldn’t think of how many times he had wished it could have ended differently. Walking back into his room, he picked it up the phone and, before he could change his mind, called Pam’s house.

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Melanie Anderson Pam’s voice came on the line. “Hello, you have reached the Foster residence and we are unable to come to the phone right now…” He got the answering machine which must mean she had already left for her parent’s house. He found his anger had melted away and now he just wanted answers. The last couple of months had been hell and he just couldn’t go on this way. He needed closure or he just needed to move on. ~ Driving to her parents’ house, Pam tried to come to grips with some of her memories of Thanksgivings past. That was the worst part of getting married on a holiday; the holiday was always overshadowed by memories. Most of their anniversaries had been special because racing season was over and they were able to spend it together. Nathan had been part of their celebrations together, too. When he was a baby, they had taken him to Disney World. They had booked a room in a resort with a Jacuzzi, and it even had a baby-sitting service. It had been ideal. But the memories that affected her most were the ones of Gary simply being a father, lying on the floor with Nathan, staring into his eyes and playing with him. He had been so good at it, never minding changing diapers and feeding him. Even if Gary was tired from racing, he still wanted a part of everything. When Pam had gotten postpartum depression and cried all the time, he would tease and comfort Pam until she got over it. Pam knew she was having these thoughts with the new baby in mind. She didn’t know how she was going to do it alone and didn’t know if she wanted to. She would have to tell Gary about the baby soon, but for now she had to deal with her parents, which meant she would have to have all her defenses up.

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On the Run Pulling up to her mother’s house she noticed her brother’s car in the driveway and another car. Shit. It had to be her sister, since her sister was the only one who ever drove red cars. This holiday was promising to be the ultimate holiday in hell. Parking on the street, she braced herself since no matter what, their holidays were always noisy, filled with arguing and criticism. She just hoped she was up for it. ~ Gary walked downstairs to his den, which was filled with the sound of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and Nathan playing on the floor with a remote controlled car Gary had bought him. His mom was on the couch drinking a mimosa and his dad was helping Nathan with his car, coaching him on how to work it. Gary walked in and Nathan jumped up. “Dad, this car is cool. Watch what it can do.” Gary watched as Nathan steered the car with the remote, bumping it into furniture and sometimes even his mother’s legs. She was patient, moving her legs onto the couch to get out of the car’s way. The car was top of the line and Gary knew he was spoiling the boy, but since he got to see Nathan so seldom he figured it wouldn’t hurt. He’d had to fight the urge to take his son away from Pam as soon as he heard Tom was there, but knew he couldn’t do it until he was better. Now he wasn’t so sure, since Nathan seemed content, not complaining about his mom or anything. Maybe he really was reading the situation wrong. He would have to ask Nathan some questions, treading lightly, of course, to find out what was going on. His son’s welfare always came first. “What’s wrong, son?” His dad was questioning him. He had stopped helping Nathan and was looking at Gary with a frown on his face. Gary realized his doubts must’ve been showing on his face and he quietly pushed them aside. “Nothing, Dad. I’m just glad that Nate likes his car.”

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Melanie Anderson He could tell his dad wanted to question him further, but realized they couldn’t talk in front of Nate. Anne walked into the room. “There are muffins and juices in the dining room for breakfast. The turkey is in the oven and should be ready around three o’clock this afternoon.” Her face was stern, but softened as she looked down at Nathan. “Do you have chocolate chip muffins?” Nathan asked, his dimples showing. He had never been scared of Anne since she had always spoiled him rotten. “Of course we do, Mr. Nate. I know they’re your favorite.” Anne smiled a small smile, which on Anne was the equivalent of a laugh she smiled so little. Nathan whooped and ran out of the room. Anne followed him, admonishing him about running in the house, but there was very little heat in her voice. “Is Shawn coming?” His mom asked. She had put down her mimosa and was looking at him with the twin look of concern his father was giving him. “No. I think he’s spending time with his sister.” The truth was he hadn’t asked him and he felt guilt since he had turned his back on all his friends from racing. It was unfair, and since he still planned on racing in February, it wouldn’t help to make enemies. It wasn’t anybody’s fault he had the accident…except his own. Nathan ran back into the room, his mouth filled with muffin, and talked with cheeks puffed out. “Dad, can we race today?” Muffin spray rained over the floor. “Nate, don’t talk with your mouth full. Sit down and eat your muffin.” Gary scolded. “We might race in a little bit after you get dressed.” The weather was beautiful, in the fifties, and Gary figured they would get out and race the go-carts a little bit. “Yes.” Nathan said happily, but this time with his mouth empty. His eyes went to the television, “Dad, look, it’s Santa Claus.” His eyes were as wide as moons.

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On the Run Gary looked at the television screen and noticed that it was indeed, Santa Claus on the traditional sleigh. Nathan still believed in Santa Claus, at least he acted like he did, and Gary wasn’t going to be the one to ruin it for him. “Yes, son, it’s Santa Claus. That means the parade’s over. So you’d better get dressed if we are going to race before dinner is ready.” Nathan watched the screen until Santa disappeared and a commercial came on, then he jumped up and ran out of the room. “Don’t run.” Gary yelled, knowing if would have no effect. Nathan only ran on one speed, fast. “Just like his father.” His mom said, making Gary think she had read his thoughts. “You always ran everywhere. That’s why we weren’t surprised when you wanted to race. It was only natural.” Gary laughed. He couldn’t help it. “Mom, you’re crazy. All kids run when they are young.” “No, Gary, you raced everything you could find. When you had your big wheel, you raced all the kids in the neighborhood, including the girls. Then you turned to bicycles and when you got older go-carts. There wasn’t anything you wouldn’t race. When you learned to crawl you would crawl faster than all the other kids would in your playgroup. I had a hard time catching up with you. When you got your pet gerbils you would create block mazes and see which one was the fastest. Genetically, I think you were born to race.” She might be right. He remembered being in school and trying to finish tests faster than all the other kids did, not caring if the answers were right, just wanting to finish first. “I guess you have a point, Mom. I wonder if all my kids would have been like that.” Marie made a disgusted noise, “It’s not too late for you to have more kids Gary. I wouldn’t assume at your age that this is all you will have.”

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Melanie Anderson Gary shrugged. His dad spoke up. “Yeah, I wouldn’t count your chickens before they hatch. You might be surprised one day. You will probably end up with a whole house full of children.” Gary sighed. “Yeah, but I don’t have a wife anymore. Remember?” His dad surprised him by saying, “I wouldn’t give up on Pam yet. I have a feeling whatever’s wrong with her isn’t easy. You didn’t see her, but I did. She’s not happy.” Gary was surprised hearing this from his father. His father had been the most vocal with his disapproval of Pam’s actions. His dad continued, “I might have been hasty in my judgment of her. If I hadn’t seen her yesterday I would still think she was a bitch.” Marie nudged him hard in his side. “What? I just speak the truth.” “Okay, Dad.” Gary was tired of hearing about Pam since there wasn’t much he could do about her right now and he would rather think about other things. Luckily, Nathan ran into the room just at that moment, dressed in full racing regalia including, helmet and racing gloves. “I’m ready Dad.” “All right, Nate, let’s go racing.” ~ Pam walked into chaos; her brother John was wrestling with his son Mark and her niece Cindy was singing some off tune song about pilgrims and was being ignored as usual. Pam’s sister Linda was sitting on the couch drinking a martini with a short balding man with a comb over and looking old enough to be her father. Pam guessed him to be of Italian descent, maybe even from the mob, knowing her sister. Her parents were arguing over who was going to carve the turkey. Pam felt like turning around and walking out of the house. Too late, she had been spotted. As soon as they noticed Pam standing there, the decibel of noise turned up a notch.

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On the Run “Pam, how the hell are you?” That was her brother, who untangled himself from his son and jumped up. His hair was cut in military precision and he was taller than Pam, practically engulfing her when he reached out to give her a bear hug. It was painful and Pam quickly pulled away. “Hey, John. I’m fine.” “Where’s Nathan?” That was her nephew Mark, who was a husky boy with a lot of muscles for only being ten. Pam guessed he was a bully as well, since Nathan didn’t like him because he was always trying to beat him up. Pam tried to keep Nathan away from her nephew as much as possible. “He couldn’t come. He’s at his father’s.” Pam backed away from him in case he tried to hug her, too. As she did that, she backed into her sister-in-law who had walked out of the bathroom in the back of the house. Her sister-in-law, Greta, was a big woman who was about five-three but round. She was also a grouchy woman who ruled her family with an iron fist. Pam couldn’t stand her. “Watch where you’re walking,” she said to Pam, then seemed to notice how harsh she sounded when her face twisted into a grimace of a smile. “Hello, Pam. So nice to see you.” Pam knew her sister-in-law didn’t like her, either, but she could care less. “Hello, Greta.” Pam gave her a half hug, which her sister-in-law reluctantly returned, both of them just going through the motions. “Aunt Pam. Did you hear my song?” Pam’s expression turned soft when she looked at her niece. Her niece was the only exception in her brother’s family. She was five years old and a sweet and kind child who always tried hard to please. She had a feeling that her nephew took up most of the attention in that family. “Hi, Cindy. I did hear your song. It was very pretty.” She kneeled down and gave Cindy a big hug. She was named Cindy aptly to Pam’s point of view, reminding Pam

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Melanie Anderson a lot of Cindy Brady of the Brady Bunch, except her hair was dark instead of blonde. “So, Nathan’s at his father, huh? That asshole.” This came from her sister Linda, who was scowling at her from her position on the couch. She hadn’t bothered to get up and greet Pam, just continued to lounge with her Mafia looking boyfriend. Linda had never gotten along with Gary, probably because they had hated each other at first sight. The reason Gary hated her was because Linda had always been hitting up Pam for money or calling Pam in the middle of the night to be rescued. Gary had thought Linda took advantage of Pam and he was right, but Pam could never say anything because it was her sister. Pam chose to ignore the comment about Gary and said instead, “Hey, Linda, how are you? We haven’t seen you in awhile.” Linda’s mouth turned down further when she said, “Yeah, whatever, this family sucks. I only came today because it was Thanksgiving and all that crap.” And to borrow money, Pam thought. Linda never came to family functions unless she needed a loan, figuring everybody would be more generous on a holiday than any other time of the year. “Hmm…” Pam said determined not to get into a fight with her sister today and just wanting to get through the day without losing her temper. She wished fervently that she could drink, but unfortunately that was out of the question now. She would just have to rough it out. “Pam.” Pam studied her mom’s face as she walked out of the kitchen towards her, noticing there was no stress there. She loved the chaos of her family and was happy as long as they were all together. Pam walked over and gave her mom a hug. “Hi, Mom. You look good.” She backed away when she noticed her mom’s apron spattered with various food products, and brushed at her dress, making sure nothing had gotten on it. Rhonda looked Pam up and down. “Nice dress. It’s a little short, though. You know

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On the Run what I always say about short dresses. Don’t advertise the wares unless you’re willing to deal with the consequences.” Pam noticed her sister still smirking from the couch. She wasn’t sure why she was feeling smug; her outfit consisted of a non-existent skirt and tank shirt that showed her fake boobs. Where she got the money for that particular operation, Pam didn’t want to know. Probably from one of her “old” men. “Yes, Mom,” Pam said, trying to avoid the rest of her lecture. Her dress really wasn’t that short, the hem reached the top of her knees, but her Mom was old-fashioned and nothing could change her. “Your father is in the kitchen getting in my way. Why don’t you go and try to get him out of there. He’s a pain in the ass.” Rhonda pointed toward the kitchen, dismissing her. Greta walked over to her mother-in-law and grabbed her arm to talk to her. Greta and her mom always got along well. They both had the same temperament. Pam walked quickly into the kitchen, hoping to get some quiet. Her nerves were strung out and she was starting to feel claustrophobic. She just hoped that she didn’t have a panic attack since there was nothing she could do about it now. “Dad, what are you doing?” Her father was peeking into the oven at the turkey. The kitchen was filled with the smells of turkey and her sister-in-law’s famous green beans and onion casserole. The exact same casserole you could find on the back of any onion-chip container, but she insisted it was her own recipe and nobody was brave enough to question her. The smell made her feel nauseous and she prayed she wouldn’t throw up. “Oh, your mother doesn’t know what she’s doing. If I don’t check on it, she’ll cook the bird until it’s as dry as dust.” He closed the oven door, then straightened up and glanced at her. He gave her the first genuine smile she had seen all day. Sometimes, her dad was the only one who

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Melanie Anderson truly looked at her “Hey, Pammie, come here and give me a hug.” Pam hugged her father, smelling Old Spice and turkey. Her father on his own was a genuinely nice guy, but pair him with his wife and he was a totally different person. Her father had always been the one to sneak her candies and take her for rides when her brother and sister constantly picked on her. Pam felt teary-eyed, blaming it on the hormones. “Hey, Daddy.” She pulled away and wiped her eyes. “It’s good to see you.” Just at that moment her nephew Mark ran into the room saying, “I’m hungry.” He was frowning and looking mean. “I want something to eat,” he said, daring someone to deny him. Pam tried anyway. “Mark, dinner will be ready soon. You should wait until then—” Greta walked into the room, and gave Pam a dirty look, then smiled down at her son, “Honey, you can have something now. You’re a growing boy.” She walked over to the refrigerator and grabbed the bologna and cheese. Her sister-in-law disgusted Pam, always choosing to ignore her son’s obesity and belligerence. John had told Pam about the problems Mark had in school getting along with the other students. But Greta would not let John punish him for it; she would justify it saying that he was a “growing” boy with a lot of “spirit.” Cindy, on the other hand, was an angel and got ignored. Pam always felt helpless and angry when it came to her brother’s family and tried to stay away from them when she could. She never thought her brother would be so spineless. Pam opened up the back door and walked outside, noticing the flurries had started and made everything look beautiful. Pam raised her face up to the sky and enjoyed the quiet of a glorious Thanksgiving Day promising herself that she would change her attitude and be gracious

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On the Run to her family. After all there were so many people who had no families to go to for Thanksgiving. She heard the door open up behind her and turned to watch Cindy walk out gasping, “Oh, Aunt Pam, it’s snowing.” She ran into the yard delighted and started running around. Pam smiled fondly enjoying the child’s wonder then felt a pang of sadness, missing Nathan even more. She wondered if it was snowing in North Carolina too. “Aunt Pam. Isn’t the snow butiful?” Pam ruffled Cindy’s hair and sighed, “Yes it’s beautiful, Cindy.” They stood outside together in silence until it stopped. Cindy’s face was downcast when she said, “It’s gone.” “It will be back again. These are flurries and they come and go. We will get a big snow soon enough.” Pam’s mom’s face appeared though the door, frowning. “Cindy. Pam. Get in here out of the cold. Are you both crazy? Dinner’s almost ready. Pam, come in here and set the table.” Her face disappeared. Pam and Cindy gave each other guilty looks, Pam feeling like she was a child getting in trouble. They walked back into the chaos together, Cindy running up to her dad, exclaiming, “Dad, we saw snow.” Pam walked straight to the dining room to set the table. This was shaping up to be a long day. ~ Gary stood at the “pits” of his go-cart track, watching Nathan race around. Nathan was a real pro at his age and Gary could see a lot of potential. Of course, if Nathan chose one day to be a scientist or accountant, Gary would be just as happy. He never felt the urge to pressure Nathan to follow in his footsteps, but he wouldn’t mind. His father was standing on the other side of the track cheering Nate on while his mom was still in the house fighting with Anne over helping with dinner. There was no

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Melanie Anderson doubt in his mind that his mom would win. She always won a fight when she set her mind on it. Noticing a figure in the distance, he assumed it was Carlo at first, but after taking a second look, he noticed it was Shawn. Part of him was thrilled and the other part was braced for a fight. Shawn was not one to pull his punches, even if it was a holiday. Shawn walked up next to him and stood watching Nathan driving around the track. “Hey, man.” Gary was just as subdued as Shawn. “Hey Shawn. How the hell are you?” He put a hand on Shawn’s shoulder. “Well, you know, man, it ain’t been the same without you. The season ended but my heart was not in it, ya know?” He spit out of the corner of his mouth, his eyes still on the track. “Yeah, I know.” Gary said. He turned toward Shawn, looking at him fully for the first time. “Hey, I’m really sorry, man, for not calling you or anything. I was just pissed off about my injuries and not being able to race. It’s no excuse, I know, and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.” He stood with his hands on his sides, defenseless. Shawn looked at him, his craggy face looking more sad than usual. “You know I know you better than anyone, even yourself. You don’t think I knew what you were going through? I knew it just about killed you when you couldn’t race. And with Pam not showing up?” He shook his head. “I don’t blame you at all.” “Yeah, but it’s still inexcusable. How can I make it up to you, man?” Gary voice was earnest, filled with disappointment at himself. Shawn smiled. “All ya got to do is invite me to dinner, man.” He put his arm around Gary’s neck and rubbed Gary’s head. “You know I can’t hold a grudge worth a damn.” “No problem, you’re invited. You don’t even have to ask.” He moved his head from underneath Shawn’s arm.

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On the Run “What do ya think of my son?” He pointed towards the track. “He looks good, man, real good. Reminds me of you.” And with that all was forgiven between the two men.

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Chapter 18 Driving home that night, Pam’s ears were still ringing from all the noise of her parent’s house. The whole day had been a study in patience and tolerance and it had only gotten worse. Her sister had, as Pam predicted, tried to hit her up for some money and she had to deny her because she didn’t have any cash on her. She knew she was going to regret it later when her sister found some kind of punishment for her. Linda didn’t like to be denied. She had even suffered through her sister-in-law feeding her ten-year-old son two and then three helpings of dinner. Both of them had eaten like pigs at a trough, with open mouths and grunting noises. It was enough to send anyone to the bathroom to puke. Pam had ended up helping Cindy fill her plate. Linda’s boyfriend had constantly tried to look down Pam’s dress every time she got up to grab something. She had just barely checked the urge to smack him across the face or on his bald head. Yet somehow she had survived without having a panic attack or anything. She didn’t know if this new outlook on life was from being pregnant or from her therapy. She just hoped this meant she had hit rock bottom already and was now coming back. Pam drove up her driveway and put her car in park. Stepping out, she reached into her car to grab her purse when someone violently grabbed her from behind and yanked her out of the car. An arm was around her neck squeezing. Her heart stopped and her first reaction was panic. She struggled against the bonds trying to yell but, because she was getting no air, nothing was coming out but whimpers. Then a familiar voice whispered in her ear, sending chills down her spine and adding to her terror. “Don’t bother to fight me.” It was Tom.

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On the Run Pam couldn’t believe it. She was getting lightheaded from being choked and she didn’t know what to do. The alarm and her dog were up in the house, not doing her a bit of good. “I’m going to get you good this time, bitch.” His slimy voice disgusted her. Some of the pressure left her neck as he removed his arm and pulled both arms behind her back. She cried out in pain as he started pushing her towards the woods that surrounded her property. “You’re not going to get me.” Then she started screaming, causing Ruffles to start howling bloody murder in the house. Tom let go of one of her arms to put his hand over her mouth, then started squeezing her face, causing her to wince in pain. “Didn’t I tell you not to fight me, bitch? You thought you had gotten rid of me the other day, but you should have known better than that. This time I might kill you.” Pam was mindless with fear, thinking about her baby. How could she have not realized how sick Tom was? How could she have underestimated him yet again? She had no idea that he had been this far gone. All she could think was, I will not let him hurt this baby. He was still dragging her through the woods and no matter how much she fought he still retained his iron grip on her arms. Her attempt to kick him awarded her with a punch in the face. Pam saw stars as he pushed her down to the ground. She cried when she hit her head hard. He was kicking her, but most of the kicks were landing on her legs, and she was half-sobbing, half gasping for air as she tried to roll away, attempting to protect her stomach and her baby. He fell down to his knees and grabbed her legs, squeezing and digging his nails into her skin. She stopped trying to roll because he was drawing blood. She whimpered, “No, please no.” Tom laughed his eyes not quite sane. “Bitch I’m going to teach you not to disrespect me. You tried to mock me by

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Melanie Anderson calling the police. This time you will learn respect.” He reached out and slapped her in the face hard. She couldn’t feel any more pain. She was more panicked when she realized his intention was to rape her. The sky was dark except for the distant light of dusk though the trees. She could still hear her dog howling, but knew it would do not good, since there was nobody to hear him. He ripped off her dress with a terrifying wrenching noise while chanting quietly, almost to himself, “Yeah, you’re going to love this. I’m going to give it to you good.” He was breathing hard, not seeming to even see her. Pam struggled not to pass out. She didn’t want to miss her opportunity to get away. She knew she couldn’t give up, that she wasn’t helpless yet. She would do anything and everything to avoid him raping her. ~ Gary and Shawn sat in the den drinking beers while upstairs, Nathan was in his playroom, showing his grandparents his toys. Earlier they had eaten a huge turkey dinner with all the trimmings and about ten different kinds of desserts. Gary knew that Carlo and Anne were probably eating all the leftovers in their kitchen in the garage. “Have you heard from Pam?” Shawn asked. Gary knew that Shawn would be the one to bring up her name. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk about her or not. “No, not really. I haven’t heard from her since before the accident.” Gary leaned forward and changed the channel on the television. They had been watching the football game and it had just gone off, the Redskins losing to Dallas…again. “Do you plan on talking to her?” Shawn was sitting on the couch, scratching with his feet up on the couch. “Actually I was thinking of taking Nathan back and was going to ask you to drive us, if you don’t mind. I thought maybe I’d talk to her then.” Gary tried to make his

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On the Run voice casual, so that Shawn wouldn’t know how important this was to him. But of course, Shawn was no fool. “Man, you know I’d do anything for you. Consider it done.” “Thanks, man.”

~ Tom was taking off his own clothes, alternating between unbuttoning his pants and pinching her breasts. He was still mumbling. “Yeah, baby, you know what I like.” Pam’s mind was going a mile a minute trying to figure out how to get out of this situation. There was no doubt in her mind that he would probably kill her after this was over with. The man was obviously a homicidal maniac. She wasn’t thinking of only herself, but also the life of her unborn baby and Nathan. She also thought about Gary. She knew that if she ever got out of this situation, she would tell him everything. She swore to God she would. Tom had gotten his pants off and was spreading her legs. Pam stopped fighting, waiting to make her move, remembering something she had learned in her selfdefense class for rapes. It was her last chance and she hoped it work. The first part of the lesson was to act like she enjoyed it. Well, she wasn’t that good of an actress, so she had to settle for being still, pretending like she was giving in to it. It must have worked because he had let go of her. The second part was to start stroking him. She reached down to his lap and he stopped in surprised. “Oh, yeah, baby, I knew you would like it.” She tried not to gag at the thought of touching him. She started stroking him and he acquiesced, his head falling back. As soon as he relaxed and trusted her, she reached down and grabbed his balls. He moaned loudly. She looked him in the eyes and then pulled down as hard as she could. He screamed.

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Melanie Anderson Pam watched as his eyes rolled back in his head. His screaming had now turned into a low pitch crooning sound. He doubled over. Pam quickly jumped up, wincing at the pain in her legs, and started running. Her breath was coming quickly as she ran through the woods. She could hear Tom thrashing around behind her and his whimpers as he tried to come after her. She tripped and fell into a pile of leaves, scraping up her legs and her side. That’s when she realized she was still wearing her high heels, which was probably why she tripped. She ripped them off before scrambling back up again. Terrified, she looked behind her and could see Tom stumbling towards her, holding his crotch. He wasn’t moving very fast because he was obviously in pain but he was running on rage, so he was able to move faster than most men in his condition. She ran as fast as she could, wincing at the pain. She realized that she must have twisted her ankle in the fall. It hurt like hell, but it was the least of Pam’s concerns. She spotted her car with the door still opened; she could hear the binging noise signaling that the door was opened. Running up to it she frantically grabbed her purse. Having no time to search for her keys, she simply dumped its contents over the driveway. Spotting her keys, she leaned over and grabbed them. Half running half limping she managed to get to her front door. God must have been on her side when she got the key to go in the first time. The alarm started going off. Pam ignored it since that was what she wanted. Just as she predicted, the phone rang quickly. “Hello,” she gasped. “Hello, this is Gemini Alarm Services, we have an report of your alarm going off.” “Yes, it is. There is a man here.” She stopped to take a breath and finished, “He tried to rape me. Please call the police.”

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On the Run “Ma’am, I’m calling the police right now. Please stay on the line.” “No.” She said and hung up. She wasn’t going to be helpless this time, sitting around waiting; she was taking control. ~ “Dad?” Gary was putting a drowsy Nathan to bed. “Yes, son?” Gary tucked the blankets around him, then sat down on the edge of the bed. “Do you think I’ll race like you when I get older?” His eyes were blurry as he looked up at this father. “Of course you can. You can do anything you want.” Gary rubbed his son’s head, his heart swelling with love for this wonderful creation. Nathan eyes were worried, reminding Gary of Pam. “I don’t think Mom would like it.” Gary’s heart skipped a beat when he said. “Nate, I think Mom would be happy with it, too. Once we show her how much you love it.” Nathan shook his head, his face much more alert now. “I don’t think so. Mom’s sad. I don’t want to leave her alone.” “Why do you think your mom’s sad?” Nathan shrugged. “I don’t know. I can tell. She don’t laugh and she don’t go anywhere.” Gary didn’t bother to correct his grammar as he looked at Nathan, frowning. “Nate, has Mom had anybody over to the house?” He tried to keep his voice light, not wanting to mention Tom by name. Nate’s face scrunched up as he tried to understand. “No. Just Aunt Lizzie. Nobody comes over.” Gary sat back his heart shrinking. It hurt to realize he had misjudged his ex-wife yet again. “Don’t worry about your mom. She loves you and she will be happy again. Maybe you should give her extra hugs and kisses to make sure.”

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Melanie Anderson Nate smiled, his dimples showing. “Yes, I will. Mom loves getting hugs and kisses. She also loves when I fart. She always smiles then.” Gary laughed. “You little dog.” He ruffled Nathan’s hair again. “She doesn’t like when you fart, does she?” “Uh, huh. She always laughs then acts like she’s dying from the smell.” Nathan giggled. “Okay, monkey boy. Time to go to bed.” Gary tucked the blanket back around his son and leaned over to kiss him. “Good night, Dad.” Nathan said, rolling to his side. “Night, Nate. I love you.” Nathan mumbled sleepily, “Love ya, too.” Gary knew he would be asleep in a minute. He walked out, turning off the light. Nathan had given him a lot to think about. Now more than ever he couldn’t wait to talk to his ex-wife. ~ Pam stumbled up the steps, her ankle still giving her problems and her eyes starting to swell from Tom’s punches. She skidded to a halt in front of her room. Then, opening the door, she walked in and moved quickly over to her closet. She reached up, wincing at the aches and pains coming from all over her body and grabbed the lock box from her closet. She put the lock box on the bed and walked over to get the key. When she walked past the window she could see, out of the corner of her eye, Tom stumbling around in the front yard near her car. That got her moving a lot faster, realizing he was getting closer, and she was determined he wasn’t getting in the house this time. Unlocking the lock box, she grabbed her gun. She made sure the safety was on, then went back to the stairs and started walking down slowly, creeping towards the front door, which was still opened. She walked behind it and looked through the window to the front yard. Tom was still holding his crotch and limping towards the front of the house.

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On the Run Pam walked to the doorway, got into a shooter’s stance and yelled, “Stop.” Tom looked up and tried to smirk, but she could still see the anger in his eyes. “You think you are going to shoot me?” His voice was raspy and muffled, and he was breathing heavily. But Pam was surprised he was even up, knowing she had to have done some permanent damage. “If you get any closer to the house, I will shoot you.” Pam was amazed by her steady voice. Her spine straight with adrenaline and pride, she wasn’t going to be anyone’s victim this time. The pain was still in the back of her mind trying to force its way to the front, but she was ignoring it with all her strength. Tom kept coming gaining speed. “You won’t shoot me, bitch. You are too stupid.” Pam flicked the safety, pointed the gun to a spot two feet from where he was standing and pulled the trigger. Dust and gravel flew up in a cloud of smoke. Tom fell down in a crouch covering his face. “Crazy bitch. You could’ve shot me.” Pam gave an evil laugh. “That was the point, asshole. You think I haven’t had practice with this gun? Didn’t you notice that I live alone in a house in the country? Of course I know how to shoot. You’re lucky you didn’t get shot the first time you came here.” Pam had to work really hard to keep her voice calm with no nerves. If he called her bluff she wasn’t sure what she’d do. She didn’t really want to shoot him, but she would if she had to. She perked up when her ears caught the sound of distant sirens. Thank God, she thought, watching Tom looking around now, panicked. There would be no quick getaway this time. For the first time since the attack had started, she wondered where he had parked. She couldn’t see any kind of vehicle at all. She laughed again. “There is no escape for you this time, Tom.” She knew she shouldn’t goad him, but she

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Melanie Anderson was so angry, so furious that he had tried to rape her again, that she couldn’t help herself. He started towards her car, and Pam let him since she knew the keys were in the house, where she had left them after unlocking the door. He leaned into the car and she could hear him cussing. He stood back up. “Where are the fucking keys?” He started pounding on the roof of the car. “What keys?” She laughed again, still pointing the gun straight at his head. It was a Mexican standoff in her yard and she could now see the flickering blue and white lights though the woods. They were getting closer. “Give me the fucking keys.” He was clearly getting more desperate when he starting moving towards her. She simply kept the gun steady on him and cocked her eyebrow. He stopped. By now the noise in the yard had gone up a decibel with the dog howling from where she had locked him up to prevent injury and the night filled with the scream of sirens as they got closer. She watched as Tom, in a last ditch effort started running. She pointed her gun again and shot the ground behind him, watching gravel shoot up in the air again and hit him like tiny pellets. He fell down, screaming. “You shot me!” “I did not,” she yelled. “That was just the gravel hitting you, you pussy. You are such a wuss.” Her whole body was starting to shake and she could hear the hysteria coming out in her voice. Come on, police, get here. He got off the ground again and started limping toward her. “This isn’t over,” he said with menace. “Oh, yes it is,” she said as the cops came to a halt with tires screeching in front of her house. She put the safety back on the gun and sank to the steps of the porch. The cops jumped out of their cars and grabbed Tom as he attempted to run away, yelling obscenities as the cops threw him against the hood of the car and cuffed him.

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On the Run A paramedic came up to Pam and gently asked. “How are you doing, ma’am?” Pam looked up and watched as the paramedic blurred into two people. “I…” and she passed out. ~ Gary was wrenched out of a deep sleep by the ringing of his phone. “Hello,” he mumbled. “Gary.” Lizzie screeched. “It’s Pam.” “What?” He was now wide-awake. “What’s wrong?” “He did it again. He tried to rape her, Oh, my God, I can’t believe it. She’s hurt, Gary. She needs Nate.” Lizzie was talking a mile a minute and Gary could hardly understand what she was saying. “Lizzie, what are you talking about? Talk slower. Who tried to rape her?” Gary’s heart was beating double time as he jumped up to get dressed. “Tom.” Gary went totally still. “Tom tried to rape her again. He tried before when you were injured, but she managed to hold him off and he escaped. She got an alarm system and a dog, but the police are saying he got to her before she went in the house. Oh, my God, Gary. She’s in the hospital. She must be hurt.” Lizzie was getting hysterical again and starting to cry. Gary could hear a man’s voice in the distance, soothing her. “I don’t understand.” Gary’s mind was going in fifty different directions and he was having a hard time getting a grip on what she was saying. “Why didn’t I know about this?” “It was the day you called and Tom was there. Pam didn’t want you to know. I told her it was stupid, but she didn’t want you to get upset when you were hurt and oh, I don’t know…” Lizzie’s voice had gotten quiet. It was all starting to sink in now. That day he had called her, Tom wasn’t there because she wanted him to be there. He had been there to rape her and she had ended up having to fend him off.

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Melanie Anderson Gary groaned. “Damn, what hospital is she at?” Gary could feel the panic overriding all his other emotions. “She’s at Winchester.” Lizzie went away and somebody else came on the phone. “Gary, it’s Andrew. Pam is at Winchester Memorial. They’ve taken her to Intensive Care. According to the police, it didn’t look like she was injured badly, but they wanted to check her out anyway. The hospital won’t tell us anything yet.” “Okay, I’m on my way.” He hung up on them. He took one moment to pray Oh, God, please let Pam be okay.

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Chapter 19 Gary ran down the hall and then started pounding on the door to his parents’ room waiting impatiently in the hall until his father came out. Jack was bleary eyed but alert when he opened the door. “What’s up, son?” “It’s Pam. She’s in the hospital. She was attacked.” “What?” “I don’t have time to go into details. Tell Mom to get Nathan ready. We are going there now.” He walked downstairs and noticed that Shawn was already awake and watching him. “I heard the commotion. What’s going on?” “Pam’s been hurt. I’ve got to get to her.” Gary was on automatic pilot, going through the motions so that the panic wouldn’t overwhelm him. He just needed to get to Pam, and then he would let go. “Are you driving?” Shawn was pulling his pants on. “Yes.” Gary paced the floor anxious to get moving, wondering what was taking everyone so long. “Why don’t you call Phil?” Phil was a private pilot that Gary used to get to races when he didn’t have time to drive. “Great idea. I’ll call him.” It showed how frantic Gary was that he hadn’t thought of it himself. “No, Gary, I’ll call him.” Shawn shoved him aside and picked up the phone. “You are in no shape to take care of this. Just let me know what hospital she’s in and I’ll make sure we get there.” His voice was rough, but Gary could see the sympathy in his eyes. It nearly undid him. “She’s in Winchester Memorial.” He turned around and walked out of the room knowing action was the only way he was going to get through these next couple of hours. He went to seek out Anne and Carlo to let them know what was going on. ~

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Melanie Anderson Pam was sitting in the hospital huddled up with a blanket around her. She hadn’t been able to get dressed since she had passed out, so they had covered her up and walked her to the ambulance. She drank the water they handed her. “You’ve got some pretty good injuries. We should examine you just to be safe.” The doctor stood over watching her. She shook her head. “Well, I’m going to have to insist.” He opened up her eyes and looked at them with his light. “You are in shock and must be in a great deal of pain. Why don’t you lie down and let us give you some medication that will help you sleep.” She shook her head again. “I’m pregnant.” “You are? Well, we should check out the condition of your baby, too. I can give you medication that is gentle and won’t hurt the baby. You need to get some rest.” She finally gave in because the pain was terrible. She could feel the doctor checking on her injures and murmuring to his nurse. Then she fell into a blissful, painless sleep. ~ Gary was a nervous wreck on the flight into Virginia. Marie had sat with Nathan the whole way, cuddling him. Gary’s dad was sitting next to him shooting worried looks his way. Gary knew his father was worried, but so was he. Shawn had talked to the pilot and made arrangements for a car to pick them up at the airport since they were flying into a local airport in the middle of nowhere and taxis were scarce. The plane was making good time, but to Gary it felt like forever. When they finally did land, Gary practically jumped out of the plane and had to wait awhile longer to get everybody off and buckled into the van. Luckily there was no traffic and they made it to the hospital around four o’clock in the morning.

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On the Run Rushing into the emergency room, he didn’t see anybody at first so he started to go up to front desk when Lizzie called out, “Gary.” He turned around and ran to her, his family trickling in behind them. He noticed Pam’s entire family sitting in the lobby, too. “What have you heard?” He could feel the daggers Pam’s family was sending his way. “I don’t know, they haven’t told us anything yet. They said her doctor would be out soon.” Just at that moment, a doctor walked up to the group. He looked around and then his eyes settled on Gary. “Are you family?” “Yes, I’m her husband.” The rest of the family walked over. “I’m her mother.” Rhonda gave Gary a look that could kill. “How is she?” “She’s fine. She had many bruises and a sprained ankle. She’s resting now. Her baby’s fine.” It took a minute for the news to sink in. Then everybody started questioning at once. “Baby?” His heart skipped a beat. “What baby?” “A baby?” Pam’s mom screeched. “I didn’t know about any baby!” “Who’s the father?” Pam’s sister Linda asked, sending Gary catty looks. Lizzie said, “She never told me anything.” The doctor held up his hands. Everybody went quiet. “Okay, enough. She’s only a month along, so maybe she hadn’t said anything yet. I think we are all missing the point here. Pam was very nearly raped by her attacker. At the very least she was viciously attacked. Now the police officer could tell you more about that.” He started walking away. “When can we see her?” He stopped and turned around. “I’d suggest everybody go home. I’m recommending at least eight hours of sleep

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Melanie Anderson for her. She’s been mildly sedated, a dosage that would be all right for her condition. I think she just needs peace and quiet since she’s in shock. If everybody comes back about noon tomorrow, then she should be ready to see everybody.” He continued walking away. Everybody was silent for about a minute, then all hell broke loose. “I want to know where this guy is.” That was Pam’s father, Henry, who had a fierce look in his eye. “He’s in jail, Dad.” Pam’s brother John spoke up. “I don’t care. I want to know what’s going on.” Jack was looking like he wanted to kick Tom’s ass himself. Well, he will have to wait in line, Gary thought, because I’m first. “Everybody.” This was Gary’s mother. “Don’t forget that little ears are here.” She motioned toward Nathan who was standing near the chairs, watching them with big eyes. “Oh, Nathan.” Lizzie cried, going over to give him a big hug. “Your Mommy’s going to be okay. She was just bruised up a little bit.” Linda rolled her eyes and gave Gary a leering look. “So, what are you doing here?” Gary had never told Pam, but her sister had tried to hit on him many times, but he had never been tempted even once. She was just scum to him. He ignored her and walked to Lizzie. “Why don’t we go to the house and see what we can do.” He didn’t want to leave Pam but he also wanted to make sure Pam and Nathan’s house was secure. The doctor wouldn’t let him see her anyway and he couldn’t just sit here feeling helpless. Marie walked over to Gary. “You’re father and I will find hotel rooms close to the hospital for all of us in case you need a place to stay. Nathan, too.” Her eyes spoke volumes to him. He realized that it would be better if Nathan didn’t go home right now since he didn’t know what condition the house would be in.

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On the Run She turned to Rhonda and Henry. “It’s nice to see you again, even if it is for such a horrible reason.” “Yeah, it’s nice to see you, too,” Rhonda mumbled. “I guess we will go home, too. We can come back in the morning.” She started dragging her husband with her. John walked up to Gary and offered his hand. When Gary shook it, John said, “Thanks for coming here. I have a feeling that Pam and Nathan will need you.” He walked away after his parents. Linda walked by with some oily looking older man and smirked at Gary, saying, “Oh yeah, we are just sooo happy you are here.” She followed her brother, leaning on the old man. Lizzie grabbed Gary’s arm. “I have my car if you want to use that.” Gary turned to Shawn. “Can you drive my parents back to the hotel?” “Sure, man.” He walked over and clapped Gary on the shoulders. “Anything you want buddy.” He smiled at Lizzie, then left. Gary turned to Lizzie. “Let’s go.” ~ Pam woke up from a nightmare crying. She opened her eyes but everything seemed blurry. When she cried out, a woman spoke quietly to her in a gentle voice. “Ssh, dear, calm down.” “He was after me and…” Pam couldn’t speak. She was still scared but so tired. “My baby.” “Your baby is fine, dear. Don’t worry about it. The doctor wants you to sleep.” “Gary doesn’t know about the baby.” She grabbed the woman’s hand. “Don’t tell him yet.” “Ssh, dear, you’re tired, honey. Everything will be fine in the morning.” Pam took her word on it and closed her eyes again. ~

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Melanie Anderson Lizzie and Gary were both speechless when they first got a glimpse of the house. All Gary could think was, Thank God we didn’t bring Nathan. The place was covered with police tape around the yard and near the house. Pam’s car was parked in the driveway with the door wide opened and cops were swarming around the woods with flashlights. The door to the house, which police were coming out of, was wide open. Gary and Lizzie got out of the car and started walking towards the house. “Excuse me,” a cop spoke up from the house. “This is police business.” “I’m her husband.” Gary’s voice conveyed an attitude of “Don’t mess with me.” The cop, who was dressed in plain clothes, looked Gary up and down, then nodded. “Okay, I have some questions anyway.” He was leading them to the house when Gary saw the gun on the bottom step of the porch. Lizzie saw it, too, and whispered, “Pam’s gun.” She shivered. Gary remembered the gun from the last time he had been at the house. He wondered if she had used it and almost hoped she had. The man led them into the house then stopped. “I’m Detective Truman. Who are you?” Gary held out his hand and shook the detective’s. “Gary Foster.” In the light he could see that the man was in his forties with a crew cut, piercing blue eyes and many wrinkles around his tired looking face. “I’m Lizzie, Pam’s friend.” Lizzie moved forward and shook the man’s hand too. He saw the admiring look from Detective Truman and was glad she came. It might help soften up the detective’s attitude. “Well let’s go into the kitchen and sit down.” The detective started walking back to the kitchen. Unlike the outside of the house, the inside seemed untouched, looking like it always did, with the only thing out of place being

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On the Run Pam’s coffee mug in the sink. Gary heard some whining coming from the back room. “What’s that?” Gary asked the detective. Lizzie answered, “Oh, that must be Ruffles, the dog Pam got after the last time she was attacked.” She shut up then looked at the detective. “But I guess you already knew that.” The detective moved his shoulder in acknowledgement. “There was a different detective here that time but I talked to her and she gave me the details. Why don’t we all sit down?” He motioned to the kitchen table. “Do you mind if I make some coffee?” Lizzie asked. “It might make this easier.” Detective Truman shot Lizzie a grateful look. “I don’t think that would be a problem.” While she was making the coffee, Gary and Detective Truman sat down. Truman gave a tired sigh. “This is always rough.” He said. “Attempted rape is never pretty, but this guy was sadistic.” Gary asked, “What happened?” “Well, as far as we can tell he abducted her at the car and then dragged her to the woods. After that he tore off her clothes and beat her.” His voice was matter-of-fact, which for some reason made it worse for Gary. His stomach turned at the thought of Pam being beaten like that. Lizzie came back to the table with three mugs and quickly went to work pouring coffee while the two men were quiet. Gary and the detective took theirs black while Lizzie added sugar and cream to hers. “Okay,” she finally said to the detective, “how did she get away from him? The hospital said her injuries weren’t that serious.” “Well, according to the paramedic who worked on this Tom fellow, she, uh, pulled his, uh, testicles really hard.”

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Melanie Anderson Gary winced. “Way to go Pam,” Gary said softly. Truman nodded. “That’s what I thought, too.” “Then what happened?” Gary asked. “Well, as far as we can recreate without talking to her, she ran back up to the house, grabbed her gun and managed to fend him off. He wasn’t really in any condition to run after her, anyway.” They all sat in silence, sipping their coffee. Lizzie spoke up. “I still can’t believe Tom would do this.” “I can,” Gary’s voice was harsh in the silent house. The detective looked back and forth between the two of them. “What can you tell me about this guy?” Lizzie spoke first. “Pam dated him back when we were teenagers.” Gary interrupted saying, “He was an asshole. When Pam and I first started dating, he tried to attack her then.” “And what happened?” “I beat the shit out of him.” The detective choked on his coffee. Lizzie gave Gary a look. “We saw him for the first time in years at a bar called Woofs not too long ago. He tried to hit on Pam, and she was polite in letting him know that she wasn’t interested, but just as he was leaving, he gave Pam a kiss. A real kiss. Pam dismissed it as meaningless until he came over to her house.” She stopped and looked at Gary, guilt written all over her face. He still couldn’t believe they hadn’t told him about this. Detective Truman said, “I got most of the details from Stephanie, but why don’t you tell me what you know about it?” She sighed, took a sip of her coffee and then started. “Well, according to Pam, he came over and pushed his way into the house, and even though she told him repeatedly to get out, he wouldn’t listen. That’s when Gary called. At first she thought he was just being a pain in the ass and then his tone changed. He didn’t seem to like

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On the Run being rejected and I think he held a grudge against her and Gary after all these years. This is when she said he tried to force himself on her and she just managed to get away, running up the stairs. After that she wedged something against the door and called the police, but when they got there he had run away.” “What about the gun?” The detective asked. Lizzie shrugged. “She bought that gun years ago, saying she needed it, living alone. She kept the lock box and key in separate places so Nathan, her son, wouldn’t find it. When I asked her about it after the first attack she said she didn’t think about. You see, Pam isn’t really a violent person.” Truman looked a little confused, then turned to Gary. “I thought you said you were her husband. Why is she living alone?” “Well, technically I’m her ex-husband, but we were working on a reconciliation before the first attack.” Gary felt like shit. He still couldn’t believe he had no idea what had been going on, knew now that he should’ve insisted on finding out what was wrong with Pam. “Well, she was one lucky lady, managing to fend him off both times. Obviously she is able to think under pressure. I don’t think most people wouldn’t have even thought of pulling the, uh, balls.” He turned red, quickly looking at Lizzie. Lizzie had a thoughtful look on her face. “Actually I think she mentioned that to me once…how she had learned it in a self-defense class she went to at work. I’m just glad she still remembered it.” The detective stood up slowly. “Well, I think we’ve about wrapped up the investigation. We’ve got the man’s fingerprints over everything and since he’s in custody, we won’t need to come back. You can clean up the scene whenever you’re ready.” Lizzie and Gary stood up simultaneously. “Thank you, Detective Truman.” This was Lizzie.

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Melanie Anderson The detective turned red for the second time that night and mumbled, “No problem.” He quickly shook her hand. “Yes, thank you, detective.” Gary said. The detective looked over at Gary with a grim expression on his face. “My name is Roy. If you think of anything else I need to know, please call.” He started walking out. “I’m going to talk to Pam and get her statement as soon as she’s ready. She should have someone there with her for that.” “I’ll be with her.” Gary said his voice firm. The detective nodded and then walked out of the house. Alone, Gary looked at Lizzie who walked away. Facing the wall, she said, “Pam told me not to tell you. She didn’t want you to worry when you were injured She thought you would want revenge and might get hurt worse in the process.” “She was right.” Lizzie turned around, “See, that’s what I’m saying and what she was saying. I didn’t agree that what she did was right, but you know how Pam gets when she’s stubborn. If I told you anyway, she’d never forgive me, and I did manage to get her to agree to get the alarm system and the dog.” She looked around helplessly. “Not that it did her any good.” Gary relented. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, Lizzie. Neither one of you could have known he would attack her outside the house.” She let out a bitter laugh. “I didn’t think he would even be dumb enough to think about doing it again.” “What is going on with Pam?” he asked in a hoarse voice, his hands curled in fists of frustration. “First she won’t go to the hospital, then she gets attacked and won’t tell me and now I’m finding out she’s pregnant. I don’t know what’s going on anymore.” He sat down on the couch and put his hands over his face.

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On the Run “Most of that you will have to find out from Pam.” Lizzie sat down on the end chair near him. “Especially the pregnancy part, since I didn’t even know about that,” Lizzie said with a sniff. They sat like that for a couple minutes, then Lizzie spoke up. “Look at us, worried about ourselves when Pam is the one hurting right now. We need to clean this place up and pack up some things for her to take to the hospital. After all, feeling sorry for ourselves is not going to help Pam.” Gary agreed that doing something was better than nothing. “Okay, let’s do it.” ~ “Mom?” Pam was disoriented, not knowing where she was. “What are you doing here?” She looked around in confusion, then noticing the machinery and sterilized smells realized she was in the hospital. The sun was shining outside the windows… Tom. Tom attacked her. “Tom. Did they get Tom?” “Ssh, dear. Hush now. They got him.” Pam was surprised when her mom brushed the hair back on her forehead lovingly since it had been so long since she could remember receiving affection from her. Pam couldn’t remember very much about what had happened to her, but it was slowly coming back to her. Whatever they had given her had done its job. “Nathan’s with Jack and Marie, and Gary and Lizzie went to your house to make sure everything is secured.” “Oh, okay.” Pam felt beat up, physically and emotionally and wasn’t really worried about anything except Nathan and her baby. “Your baby is fine.” Startled, Pam’s eyes darted toward her mom. “The doctor told everybody last night, assuming we already knew, I guess. Why didn’t you tell us?” Pam could hear the hurt in her mom’s voice. “I just found out myself.” Pam closed her eyes. “I hadn’t even told Gary, yet.”

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Melanie Anderson “So, it’s Gary’s?” Pam opened her eyes, struggling with the hurt, then sighed. “Yes.” “Oh.” Her mom didn’t say anything else, and Pam didn’t offer anymore, too tired to give long explanations. “Did the doctor say when I could leave?” Pam knew she wasn’t seriously hurt, just bruised. Aches and pains were letting themselves be known all over her body. “He said he’d come in and examine you one last time before he releases you. Are you feeling up to some visitors? A lot of people are here who want to see you.” Her mom made a face. “I told them that you should rest, but they are persistent.” Pam closed her eyes. She just wanted to be alone. So much had happened and she wasn’t in the mood to deal with the aftermath. First there would be the questions from the police and then the questions from her family. She didn’t know if she would be up for it. Maybe she never would. But she knew that was the same part of her that had run away from her marriage. The new Pam, the one that had kicked Tom’s ass, knew that there was no time like the present to get it over with. “Okay. I’ll see them, but, please, don’t send them in all at once. I can’t deal with everybody at one time.” Rhonda stood up. “Whatever you want.” She walked over to the bed and smoothed out the threadbare hospital blanket. “If you get tired, just tell them to leave.” “Thanks, Mom.” Rhonda reached over and held her youngest daughter’s hand. “Honey, you know I love you.” “I love you, too, Mom.” Pam watched her mom, teary eyed, walk out of the room.

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Chapter 20 When her mom had finally walked away, Pam closed her eyes, snatches of memories and images flashing across her mind. There were harsh memories of Tom attacking her, his face twisted in rage, better memories of Gary with his cocky grin giving her a flirtatious wink, Nathan with his softer version of the same grin and racecars going around and around a track. Last but not least she saw the image of an unborn child swimming in its embryo sac, promising a new beginning to a life that had been put on hold. When she opened her eyes, Gary was there. ~ “You’re really here.” Gary couldn’t help but notice her voice was a little disbelieving, like she didn’t believe it was really him. . He didn’t know what to say or where to start. There was so much he wanted to say, but instead he found himself standing like a fool in front of her bed, helpless against his own grief. Walking into her room, he had thought he was prepared for how she would look, but the bruises were still shocking, showing the sheer brutality of the attack. They covered most of her body and were striking against her pale skin. He could see fingerprints around her neck and on her legs where the blanket wasn’t covering her. He felt a rage towards Tom unlike anything he had ever felt before. But above all that, what struck him the most was the look he saw in her eyes. It was a look of love and of relief, bringing him back to the old days of seeing her face in the window of his car wishing him luck, or when he came home from a long road trip. Most of all it reminded him of their wedding day as they pronounced their marriage vows. He knew that look well but was dumbstruck seeing it now when he would have never expected it. Not after everything that had happened to her.

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Melanie Anderson “Of course I’m here.” He said, hearing the huskiness in his voice. He cleared his throat but the lump would not leave. “I’ll always be here for you.” He saw tears welling up in her eyes, and it sliced into his heart seeing them because he had never meant to upset her at this time. He quickly walked over the side of the bed, sat down, and reached for her hand. “Honey, don’t cry,” he said, his voice still husky with emotion. “I’ve been so awful,” she said, breaking down, sobs rolling out. “I’ve been so scared.” “It’s okay, he’s in jail now. He will never hurt you again.” “That’s not what I’m talking about,” Pam said, grabbing a tissue from the box on the stand next to her bed. She sniffed. “I was scared of you.” “Scared of me?” He couldn’t keep the shock from his voice. “Why would you be scared of me?” “I was afraid you would find out my secrets, that you would find out that I was not the person you thought I was. I didn’t want you to be disappointed, so I threw you out of my life.” There were so many things that Gary thought they would talk about, this being the last of them, but part of him realized he was about to find out what happened to destroy their marriage. It was hard to adjust with his mind still on the attack and her pregnancy, but he wouldn’t stop her from talking, whatever she wanted to talk about. “I can’t figure out why you would think I could ever be disappointed in you.” The emotional roller coaster of the last twenty-four hours was more than he could stand; he stood up and looked out the window. His heart screamed as the words came out from the depths of his soul. “Do you know how much I loved you?” He turned around. “I wouldn’t have cared if you had told me you used to be a man.” He saw Pam smile a little bit. “Don’t you understand?” His voice echoed the ache in his heart. “You are everything to me Pam, everything.”

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On the Run Looking away from him, she went silent for a few minutes. Finally, in a soft voice he could hardly hear, she said, “I panicked.” “What?” He didn’t understand what she meant. “Panicked when?” “I panicked,” she said louder, with more passion. “Every time you went away, when you were racing, even if you just went to 7-11, I panicked. I just couldn’t stand to be away from you, but with you was even worse. Because I knew that as soon as you walked out the door, I would lose it.” Gary was getting frustrated, not understanding what she was getting at. “I don’t understand, what do you mean you panicked?” “Panic attacks, Gary,” she said loudly with a trace of bitterness. “I had panic attacks. Severe ones where I felt like I was going to die, where I thought I was having a heart attack. They lasted up to twenty minutes at a time and they left me feeling hopeless and afraid and I couldn’t take it anymore. I was afraid you would see me like that. I was afraid Nathan would see me like that. I couldn’t tell you, so I just wanted you to go away. I hoped that it would be the end of it and you would never find out. But it wasn’t enough.” She stopped to take a breath and whispered softly, almost to herself, “It was never enough.” Gary sat down, stunned and shaken to the core. “This was why we got a divorce?” he asked in disbelief. He couldn’t think past that point. “Yes.” She was fiddling with her tissue, refusing to meet Gary’s eyes. Gary’s mind was reeling. His vision was graying and all he could hear was the sound of footsteps and the murmur of voices outside the hall, in the distance a page for a Doctor Stevens. “Gary,” Pam whispered, her voice husky from talking so much. “I know that you heard about the baby. I was going to tell you but not until after the holidays since I just

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Melanie Anderson found out myself. It is your baby. I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to talk to you before they release me and I want to make sure you understand that. This is your child.” She touched her stomach. Gary’s eyes went to her hand and then back to her eyes. Suspecting it and hearing it were two entirely different things, and his heart skipped a beat even as his head swam. “I don’t understand anything.” “I know,” Pam said, looking away. “It’s my fault.” Gary stood up abruptly and started pacing. He didn’t know how to say what he wanted to say without upsetting her further. This was the last place in the world he wanted to have this discussion. He turned back and walked to the side of Pam’s bed, then knelt down and took her hand, looking in her eyes, “Pam, there is so much I want to say—” He stopped and shook his head. “So much I have to say, but now is not the time and this is definitely not the place. I’m just going so fucking insane thinking about what happened to you that I can’t even see straight. I want to leave this conversation on the back burner… For now. But we will talk soon.” He pulled her hand to his lips and kissed it, his head falling forward as if in prayer as all the pain, frustration and love he was feeling welled up in his throat. But the one emotion taking precedence over all the other emotions was fear. Fear’s grip had been around his throat all night long, and he was having a hard time shaking it off. His voice cracked as he said, “Damn it, Pam, I love you. Don’t you scare me like that again.” The last was said in a soft voice, much like a child’s. Pam ran her fingers though his hair, soothing him. He realized how selfish he was being, having her comfort him when it should be the opposite. He should be comforting her. “How are you? Are you in a lot of pain?” He looked up at her. “Do you need anything? Anything at all. All you have to do is ask.” She shook her head. “No, not right now. I’m in pain but it’s not bad. To tell you the truth, I’m just happy to be

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On the Run alive. But the pain medicine is starting to make me feel a bit tipsy. Can you ask Lizzie to come in, please?” He rocked back on his heels and tried not to feel rejected since he could see the weariness on her and the dark circles under her eyes. His time was up for now. “I’ll get her for you. But are you sure that’s all I can do? Damn it, Pam, I feel so useless. There must be something I can do.” She gave him a tentative smile. “That’s all I need right now, Gary. But believe me, if there is anything else, you will be the first one to know.” He walked out because there was nothing else he could do, but it wasn’t over. Not by a long shot. ~ Pam closed her eyes, feeling the pain starting to weaken her and she hated it. She wanted to be strong so she could get home and be with her son. She wanted her life back; even her job, though repetitious, was looking more and more appealing everyday in its comforting routine. She hated that Tom had made her weak like this. She was proud that she had fought him as well as she had, but she wished it hadn’t come to this. Lizzie came into the room in a flurry of movement. Pam had just barely gotten a whiff of her trademark Chanel No.5 before she was smothered by a teary-eyed Lizzie. Hugging Pam close, she babbled, “Oh, my God I was so scared. Pam, I didn’t know what to do. I wish I had stayed with you or at least gone with you to your parents.” She drew back. “What can I do for you? I’ll do anything. Just let me know.” Pam smiled, grateful for her friend. “Lizzie, I appreciate the concern, but I’m okay. Just bruised up a little. The important thing is that I’m alive and the, uh, baby is okay.” Lizzie wiped her eyes with a tissue. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

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Melanie Anderson “I just found out myself.” Pam adjusted her bed so that she was higher up and grabbed Lizzie’s hand. “I was going to tell you, but I was just trying to get over the shock myself. I mean, gosh, Lizzie it’s been eight years since I had a baby. I was in total shock.” “Humph.” Lizzie bounced Pam’s hand on her knee. “I guess I understand that. What did Gary say?” Pam cringed. “I don’t think he knew what to think. I’m just not looking forward to the conversation we are going to have.” She touched Lizzie’s arm and leaned close. “I told Gary about the panic attacks.” Lizzie sucked in her breath in shock. “Really,” she drawled out. “Way to go.” At that moment Dr. Purvis, who had been treating Pam since she was admitted, walked in. “How’s the patient?” Pam smiled. “I’m feeling a lot better now.” She gave him her best model perfect smile. “In fact, I’m ready to go home now.” Dr. Purvis smiled back just as cunning. “Good try. Let me be the judge of that.” Dr. Purvis was a short man with red hair and a voice that was deep and brassy, making an interesting contrast. Pam was sure that many people who only talked to him on the phone would be very shocked when they met him. He had the nurse take Pam’s temperature and blood pressure while he checked on the ankle. He flashed the light in Pam’s eyes. “Hmm… Everything looks fine. I want you to keep off that ankle as much as you can. Use crutches and don’t run any marathons for the next two weeks. Other than that, I think you can be released.” He patted Pam’s shoulder. “Thank you, Dr. Purvis.” Pam wasn’t happy to hear that she would have to use crutches, but she did a mental shrug; after all, it could have been worse. Dr. Purvis walked out of the room. Lizzie stood up. “Well, I’ll let everybody know the news. I’m sure they will be relieved.”

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On the Run “I’ll be out soon.” Pam called after her. When she started to get up, the doctor walked up behind her, startling her. “What did I tell you about using that ankle? You have to be careful. Sit down until someone can help you.” Behind him was the nurse with a wheelchair. Pam felt like she was in a middle of a prison break. She just wanted to leave and everybody was trying to stop her. Then she saw the rest of the guards come in. She mumbled to herself, “Great. Reinforcements.” It was Gary’s parents and her parents, with Gary not too far behind. Nathan had a bag in his hand filled from the gift shop and she was surprised to see Shawn hovering around, too. She hadn’t been expecting him after their last phone call. Even so, seeing all those people made her feel overwhelmed and she felt herself starting to pout. She always was a bad patient. “I want to go home,” she said in a no nonsense voice. Gary gently grabbed her arm and led her to the wheelchair. “We’re going home, honey. Just let them push you in the wheelchair.” He stood back and then followed the nurse who was pushing her out of the room. Nathan was walking next to her, rambling about the cool toys at the gift shop and everything he bought. “Cool, Mom, you get to ride in a wheelchair. Can I ride in one?” Rhonda walked forward and tried to pull him away. “Nathan, leave your mom alone now.” Pam quickly interceded. “It’s okay, Mom, I don’t mind.” Listening to Nathan’s childish observations was better than watching everybody looking at her like she was going to break. When they got outside, Lizzie volunteered to drive Pam home. “I’ll follow you over…” Rhonda started to say until Pam interrupted her, “Why don’t you come over for dinner? I need to get settled in first.” Pam didn’t want to just come out and say that she wanted to be alone, but she was starting to feel smothered.

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Melanie Anderson It was wonderful that so many people cared for her but she’d had enough. Rhonda looked hurt but Pam could hear her swallow whatever she wanted to say, “Sure dear. We will see you later.” Pam reached out and squeezed her mom’s hand. “Thanks, Mom.” She turned to her dad. “Thanks, Dad.” She wasn’t sure what was going through his mind since he had been so quiet after she’d been released. She watched as they walked away. Marie walked forward and kissed Pam’s cheek. She said softly, “Do you mind if we come over, too? I’ve been so worried about you, you know. I think of you as my own daughter. I’m so relieved that nothing worse happened to you.” Pam looked at Marie and felt her heart soften. “Sure, you can come over, too. I’ve really missed you.” Pam squeezed her hand when she saw Marie’s eyes fill with tears. Gary walked over and ran a finger down her face. “I’ll be over later, too.” He gave Pam one last look filled with something she couldn’t identify. “Count on it.” As he walked away with Shawn, Pam couldn’t decide if that was a threat or a promise, then realized that she didn’t really want to look into it too deeply. Not now. Lizzie pulled up in the car and walked over to Pam’s wheelchair. “Are you ready, sweetie?” “Oh. Yeah.” Time to go home and face her life and what was left of it. ~ The car was silent as Shawn drove from the hospital while Gary just stared out the window, his mind filled with images of Tom attacking Pam and her bruised body lying in the hospital. He felt the rage in the back of his throat and didn’t know what to do with it. He realized his knuckles were still in fists, his knuckles white. “Fuck,” he muttered to himself.

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On the Run “What’s wrong?” Shawn asked, looking at him out of the corner of his eye. “Man, I don’t know.” Frustrated, he turned to Shawn. “Yes, I do know. I want to kick Tom’s ass. I want to kill that man. I want to shake Pam and asked why she ever let that asshole around her.” He stopped when he realized he was yelling. He lowered his voice., “I want to beat something.” “You wanna beat me up?” Shawn asked. “I’m game.” Gary laughed with very little humor. “No, man. I’d hate to hurt you.” Gary ignored the incredulous look Shawn gave him. “What am I going to do?” Shawn scratched his head as he turned into the hotel parking lot. “I’d say you turn this anger into something good. I say you fight to get Pam back.” “Yeah, I guess.” He knew that was true and he would fight to get Pam back, but that thought wasn’t helping him relieve his anger. “Or,” Shawn said, “You can go over to the gym in the hotel and work up a sweat. Lift some weights.” That sounded better. “That’s true.” Shawn turned off the ignition. “Of course, we can take this in the back alley and rumble.” Shawn looked excited by this idea. “No.” Gary felt real amusement now, and he laughed out loud. Reaching for the door handle, he turned to Shawn. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you really want to kick my ass.” Shawn stepped out of the car and Gary did the same. Over the roof, Shawn tossed out, “Well, it’s better than you walking around with all this anger. I just thought it would be better if you use it for something productive. God forbid somebody be rude to you. You’d be all over them.” Gary laughed again. He started to limp to the hotel; his leg was starting to bother him. “Well, I can’t really work out with this bum leg, but maybe I can find something else

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Melanie Anderson to distract me.” He turned to Shawn and clapped his hand on his shoulder. “Thanks, man.” He was grateful. Shawn had managed to break his mood. “Yeah, whatever.” Shawn said. He mumbled, “I still wish I could’ve kicked your ass.” ~ Pam just barely repressed a shudder when they pulled up to her house. It looked the same yet not the same. Her car door was closed and the contents of her purse were no longer on the driveway. She vaguely wondered where they were. The front door was shut. That was a relief. For some reason Pam had expected the house to look exactly like she had left it before they took off in the ambulance. “Gary and I came over and cleaned up yesterday,” Lizzie said under her breath. Pam turned to Lizzie. “Thank you.” Lizzie got out of the car and in her no nonsense away walked over and opened the door to help Pam out. Pam leaned against her as they walked to the front door. The medication was starting to wear off and her ankle was throbbing, not to mention various pains in other parts of her body were also making an appearance. She was grateful that Lizzie had come with her. She just couldn’t imagine being able to get into the house without her. “I’ll get your crutches out of the trunk after I get you settled in. Your medication is in my bag.” They had stopped on the way home to get some groceries and Pam’s prescriptions. Pam had sat in the car, not wanting to limp around the grocery store. Nathan ran up ahead. “Ruffles,” he cried when the dog started barking in the house. Pam had forgotten all about Ruffles. “Did you let Ruffles out last night?” She asked Lizzie. “Yes. We took care of him.” Lizzie took the keys out of her hands. “You don’t have to worry about a thing. You know we will take care of you.” Pam was afraid the “we” she was talking about was her and Gary. She wasn’t sure if

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On the Run she was ready for Gary to take care of her. As much as she loved him, and she did, the idea of him coming and taking over her life was not appealing. Just walking into her own house made her feel a lot better. When Lizzie asked, she gave the pass code to the alarm pad. “I’m home,” Pam sighed. “Yes, you are.” Lizzie said, “Now let’s get you to your bed.” “No.” Pam said. “Take me to the couch. People are coming over and I don’t want them to see me in bed.” Not only that, but it would mean she didn’t have to be alone. She didn’t want to be alone. “Okay.” Lizzie said patiently. Pam felt instant regret, knowing she was acting like a real brat. “I’m sorry for being short with you,” Pam said as Lizzie helped her get settled in on the couch. “I just don’t want to be alone right now.” “No, I understand, Pam. You should know by now that you can’t hurt my feelings.” She smiled and ruffled Pam’s hair. “Don’t forget I was with you during child birth. After the names you called me then, nothing could faze me.” Pam smiled ruefully. “I guess you’re right.” She sank down further on the couch. Lizzie walked over to her purse and got the prescription out. It was a mild pain reliever in deference to the baby. “Nate,” Lizzie called to the boy who was busy rolling around with Ruffles on the floor. “Can you get your mom a glass of water?” “Sure,” Nate said. He walked over to Pam and looked down. His little face was worried and reminded Pam eerily of his father. “Are you okay?” “Yes, Nate, I’m fine.” Pam wondered if anyone had told him about the baby. From what Lizzie had told her in the car, the doctor hadn’t been shy about making that announcement to the whole waiting room. She supposed she had better talk to him about it, but decided it would

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Melanie Anderson have to wait until Gary was there to help her. She just didn’t feel up to any questions he might have. Nathan watched her for a couple seconds, then ran into the kitchen. Pam and Lizzie heard the water running. Lizzie whispered, “What are you going to do about Gary? Are you going to talk to him?” Pam sighed. “I guess I have to.” “Are you going to talk about getting back together again?” Pam was getting tired of hearing that broken record. “I’m not sure.” “I’m sorry.” Lizzie said, “I don’t mean to be a nag, you know I just want you to be happy. Gary made you happy once; I think he could do it again. I think he needs you, too. He’s not the same person he was when we met him.” “Yeah, he’s sober,” Pam joked weakly. Lizzie swung back, “And so are you.” Lizzie made a clucking noise. “Stop trying to change the subject, you know what I meant.” Nathan was walking back into the room slowly so that the water wouldn’t spill. “We will talk about this later.” Pam said, glad for the distraction. “Uh huh.” Lizzie said doubtfully. “You’ve been putting me off for weeks. There is only so long a person will be put off.” Pam wasn’t sure if she was talking about herself or Gary and suspected that had been Lizzie’s point. Pam sat up and took the pill Lizzie handed her, then, thanking Nathan first, she washed the pill down. She closed her eyes. After a couple of minutes Lizzie got the hint. “Come on, Nathan. Let’s see what we can come up with for dinner.” Pam had only intended on closing her eyes for a couple of minutes, but she could feel the stress of the last couple of hours catch up with her. Plus the pills seemed to

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On the Run be doing their trick; her body felt weightless. She put her hand over her womb, protecting her baby, and fell asleep.

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Chapter 21 Pam woke up when she heard Gary’s voice whispering to Lizzie in the kitchen. She also recognized Shawn’s deep rumble and Nathan’s softer voice answering back. She felt so disoriented, she didn’t even know what time it was, but she did know her stomach was grumbling. Lizzie came and sat next to her on the couch. “How are you feeling?” “I’m a little groggy, but better,” Pam answered, struggling to sit up. “Actually, I’m kind of hungry.” “We will take care of that.” Lizzie said, “I made a big pot of beef stew.” She plumped up Pam’s pillow. “Why don’t you lie back down and I’ll bring it out.” “Actually, I’d rather sit up.” Pam said, “I’m tired of lying down.” Lizzie’s face looked disapproving, but she didn’t comment. “Okay, I’ll bring it out to you.” After Lizzie left the room, Gary walked in and just stood in the entranceway with his hands in his pockets, watching her. “Gary,” Pam acknowledged. She ran a hand through her hair, knowing she must look like shit. She hadn’t even attempted to look in a mirror since leaving the hospital. She had to fight off the urge to get up and make herself look presentable. Gary’s voice was sober when he asked, “How are you?” “Better, I feel better,” Pam assured him. “I just want to get upstairs and use the bathroom, maybe brush my hair.” Lizzie walked in with the soup and overheard the last part of Pam’s sentence. “Honey, eat your soup first, then I’ll help you with that. I didn’t even think about that.” She smiled at Pam. “We will take care of you.” “Thanks, Lizzie.” Pam picked up the spoon and took a bite. It was pure heaven. It had big chunks of beef, carrots and potatoes floating in a rich broth. It filled the hole that had been growing in Pam’s stomach.

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On the Run “No problem, the baby needs to eat.” An awkward pause followed her statement and Pam realized that nobody had really openly talked about her pregnancy before now. Gary cleared his throat. “I’m going to see how Shawn and Nate are doing.” He left quickly, making Pam wonder if he was fleeing from her. Lizzie quickly filled up the silence left by Gary’s retreat. “I’m sure he’s still adjusting to the idea he’s going to be a father again.” Pam chuckled dryly. “What about me? Half the time I forget I’m pregnant. The other half I’m scared to death I’m going to do something wrong and harm my baby.” At that moment the front door opened. “Yoo hoo, we’re here.” It was Rhonda’s voice coming from the foyer. “Mom’s here,” Pam said, stating the obvious. Lizzie jumped up and called out, “We’re in here, Mrs. Berg.” She quickly walked into the foyer. “Hey, Mom.” Pam watched as her mom walked into the room carrying several bags. “What is that?” she asked, curious. “Presents?” Rhonda laughed. “You never change, Pammie, you sound just like you did when you got sick as a kid. I got a couple of cakes and some magazines from the store. I figure if you’ve got to lay down for awhile you might as well be entertained.” “Cool, Mom.” Pam smiled, “Did you get Cosmo?” “Of course.” Rhonda sat down on the couch next to her daughter while Lizzie walked over and grabbed the bag with the cake to take to the kitchen. Pam watched as her mother’s face turned serious, looking her up and down. “Are you better now?” Pam sighed. “Yes, Mom.” She smiled. “I wasn’t seriously hurt anyway, just my ankle.” “I think you were hurt enough.” Pam could see the anger in her mother’s eyes when she said “If I could just get one moment with that man…”

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Melanie Anderson “Mom,” Pam said firmly. “It’s over. Let the police take care of it.” Pam was tired of thinking about Tom. Whenever she did, it upset her. “Come on, don’t talk about it anymore. It’s obviously making you upset.” Rhonda looked skeptical. “What I don’t understand is why you aren’t more concerned about Tom. Why are you trying to act like nothing happened?” Pam felt her temper slipping. “Are you crazy? I can hardly speak with all the anger racing around my system. I’m just trying to forget about it. When I think about how Tom tried to hurt my baby and me and, not only that, what if Nathan had been here? Mom, don’t think that I’m not thinking about this. You think you want to see Tom in person? Mom, they would have to physically remove me from his ass if I saw him again. Believe me, this isn’t as easy as it looks.” Pam’s voice had risen in passion the longer she talked. It had drawn several people in the room, including Gary and her father. She sat back on the couch and pulled herself together. She could tell she was just upsetting people, which is why she had been putting on such a brave face to begin with. “Mom, just drop it,” she mumbled. “I’m sorry,” Rhonda said, patting Pam’s hand awkwardly. The boundary had come up between Pam and her mother, and Pam was sorry to see it. They had done so well at the hospital that morning. “It’s okay. Why don’t you get something to eat? Lizzie made a really delicious stew.” Pam tried not to look up at Gary. She could feel the silver in his eyes boring a hole in her skull. In some ways she wished he wasn’t there. It was making her nervous. Lizzie saved her again by saying, “Pam, why don’t we go upstairs now.” Pam was relieved that Lizzie was saving her from making a fool of herself. When she started to get up, everybody started forward at the same time, offering to help her. Just at that moment the doorbell rang, which Pam could only assume was her

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On the Run in-laws. She spoke loudly into the confusion, “Lizzie can help me up the stairs, I’m not an invalid. Gary, you answer the door. It’s probably your parents.” She could see the hurt in Gary’s eyes and knew he was upset she wasn’t letting him help her, but she wasn’t ready to be alone with him again. “Okay,” he said quietly, searching her eyes while Pam avoided his gaze, just wanting to get upstairs so that she could look like a human being again. Her confidence was at an all time low. Gary gave her one last look and then went to open the door while Pam limped with Lizzie to the steps. Pam smiled at Jack and Marie when they walked in the door. “I’m going upstairs for a little bit. Come on in and make yourself at home,” Pam said as she walked ungainly with Lizzie up the stairs. Marie called up the stairs. “Don’t worry about us, honey.” Walking into the bathroom, Lizzie looked at Pam with a sad face. “I’m sorry, sweetie, I should’ve realized that you’d want to wash up and look a little better. I know I would’ve started a fight if anyone had expected me to greet people with no makeup. But honey, no one noticed that at all. You know everyone in this house is family.” Pam nodded. “I know, Liz. I just wanted to get away for a minute.” Turning, she looked into the mirror and then screeched. “Oh, my God. Why didn’t you tell me? Lizzie, you let me sit downstairs like this?” Pam was shocked. Her hair had gone beyond a simple rat’s nest to a helmet, flat against her skull and dull, the brown almost black with grease. Her face was bruised up and battered looking and her eyes were stark in her face, the pupils large, turning her eyes black. She looked like a reject from The Night of the Living Dead. Pam could see Lizzie in the mirror smirking, trying to hold back a laugh. “It’s not that bad,” she said, sounding like she was convincing them both.

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Melanie Anderson “Bad?” Pam asked incredulously, “This has gone beyond bad. This is a disaster.” Lizzie laughed, but quickly sobered up. Pam turned around to Lizzie. “Go ahead and laugh, Liz. I would be laughing, too, if I wasn’t in shock.” Lizzie walked over to the bathtub. “Okay, stop staring at yourself, you’ll have nightmares. I’m going to run you a tub and you are going to relax. Sheesh. You singlehandedly fought off your attacker and now you’re worried about a bad hair day. Where are your priorities?” Pam appreciated the attempt to make light of the situation. She was tired of being serious. “A girl has her priorities. You know how I hate my hair on a good day.” Pam sat on the toilet seat to relieve the weight on her ankle. Lizzie filled the tub with water, then added bath salts and the thought of a bath was starting to become more and more appealing. “Lizzie, you know you’re my hero, don’t you?” “Okay, stop quoting love songs to me, you’ll make me blush. Now get naked, girl.” Lizzie stood up and waited. “Hmm. This is starting to sound like a really bad porno. Is this where you initiate the virgin into her first lesbian experience?” Pam wagged her eyebrows. Lizzie shook her head. “You’re crazy. I knew we shouldn’t have stolen that porno from your brother when we were teenagers. It only put ideas in your head. I remember you walking around for weeks after we watched them, talking about how you were going to have boobs as big as those girls.” Pam pulled off her shirt and looked down regretfully, shaking her head, “It never did happen, did it?” She sighed. “Oh, well.” They both looked at each other for a beat and then burst out laughing. Lizzie walked over to Pam and helped her into the tub. Before she left the room, she stood at the doorway and gave a wink. “Do you want me to get Gary to do your back?”

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On the Run Pam gave Lizzie her middle finger in response. ~ Gary sat at the bottom on the stairs and waited, not knowing what else to do. He had felt left out since he walked in the door. The house was familiar and yet it wasn’t. It had been Pam’s house longer than it had been their house, and other than the night he had been here during the storm, he hadn’t been inside for five years. He felt like an outsider, especially since Pam didn’t seem to need him at all. Pam was turning to Lizzie instead of to him, and it made him upset and a little mad. He was hoping that now that all this nonsense was over with, she would move with him to North Carolina, but nothing had been said and she didn’t seem to want to talk to him. He wanted to clear the air about these so-called panic attacks she was having. It sounded like a lot of nonsense to Gary, but Pam seemed to think it was serious. And even if it was serious, he didn’t think it should be a problem. They could deal with anything as long as they were together where they belonged. Nathan came running down the stairs, his dog following close behind. “Hey, Nate. Where are you going?” Nate stopped and smiled proudly. “I’m going to feed Ruffles. He’s hungry. Mom said I was a big boy now and needed to take care of him myself.” “Well, good for you.” Gary said. He snapped his fingers and Ruffles walked up, fell over and rolled unto his back. Gary chuckled and started rubbing his stomach. “Good dog.” A huge smile crossed Nate’s face. “He’s the best dog in the whole world. Do you want to come up and see my toys, Dad?” Gary stopped petting the dog. “Maybe later, son. I’m waiting to talk to your mother. Did you eat yet?”

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Melanie Anderson Nathan seemed to contemplate that for a minute “Nope. Been busy playing with Ruffles and Shawn.” Gary held his smile, thinking of the dog and his crew chief being lumped into the same category. “Well, go ask one of your grandmothers to fix you a bowl of soup.” Gary had eaten earlier but was too nervous for some reason to taste a thing “Okay, Dad.” Nathan bounded past him through the foyer into the living room while Gary watched him go with a small smile on his face. So much energy, he thought. He heard someone come down the steps behind him and looked to see Lizzie, who looked surprised to see him there. He noticed that before she had spotted him, she had had a half smile on her face like she had just heard something funny. “What are you doing on the steps?” “I was waiting to talk to Pam. What’s she doing?” Lizzie looked back up the stairs nervously. “I don’t think this is a good time, Gary, she’s taking a bath.” Gary stood up. “Lizzie, I think I’ve seen her naked before. I just want to talk.” Lizzie looked uncertain, “Well, I don’t know… Just promise me you’ll knock first.” Gary rolled his eyes. “Yes, Lizzie, I’ll knock,” he said sardonically. She smacked him on the arm lightly. “Don’t be a smartass. You know what she’s been through; I’m just looking out for her.” Gary turned sober, feeling the now familiar anger mixed with frustration. “Yes, I know. I just don’t think we’ll get a moment alone once she comes back downstairs.” Lizzie sighed and waved him on. He patted her on the arm as he limped passed her up the stairs.

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On the Run Walking into Pam’s room, he took a deep breath, drawing in her scent. From the bathroom he could hear the quiet splash of water. He walked over and rapped lightly. “What?” Pam’s voice was muffled coming though the door. “It’s Gary. Can I come in?” There was a long pause. “Why?” “I just want to talk to you.” Gary rested his head on the door. “Please let me in.” Another pause. “Okay.” Walking in, he saw Pam in the tub, bubbles covering most of her body with her hair tied back, leaning back on a bath pillow, and her eyes cool as she looked at Gary. “What do you want to talk about?” she asked, her voice as cold as her eyes. “I’m sorry I interrupted your bath. I just wasn’t sure when we’d get a chance to talk since I have to go back to North Carolina soon to get ready for the next season.” She nodded her head. “Okay.” Gary was getting tired of her one syllable comments and wondered what happened to that closeness they had shared at the hospital. “Pam, I—” He didn’t know what to say. “What are you thinking?” he asked instead. “About what, Gary?” Pam lifted her hand nervously to her hair then dropped it back into the water with a small splash. “I don’t know what I’m thinking, Gary. I’m just trying to get through this day so that my life can get back to normal.” Wrong answer, was all Gary could think. “What do you mean, back to normal? Does that mean without me? Are you trying to shut me out again? I won’t have it.” “What do you mean, you won’t have it?” Pam asked sharply. “Gary, I was just attacked and here you are demanding some kind of response out of me. I didn’t say you and I would go back to normal. I just meant that I want my old life back, my routine.”

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Melanie Anderson Gary realized this conversation had started out very badly with him jumping to a lot of conclusions and pressuring her too much. He sat down on the toilet with a sigh. “I’m sorry I came on so strong. I just meant to ask what was going to happen with our relationship.” She looked down. “I’m sorry, too. I didn’t mean to be so defensive. I just haven’t adjusted to the idea that we have something to work on. I’ve kept so much from you so long, it will take me a while to figure out what to say and do.” Gary had to ask. “Why did you keep it from me? Didn’t you think I had a right to know?” “You did have a right to know about the pregnancy. The rest of my issues I’ve been working out with my doctor.” Gary stood up and walked over to the window. The blinds covered it completely, so he couldn’t see anything. In a harsh voice, he whispered, “Why did you let me jump to the wrong conclusion with Tom? Do you know the pain I went through thinking you were with him? Then to find out he tried to attack you. You should have let me help you.” “How could you have helped me, Gary?” Gary turned around and looked at her, shocked by the bitterness in her voice. “You were injured, your racing season was over, and you needed to concentrate on yourself. I didn’t want you worrying about me, too. You needed to work on your own recovery.” “That’s bullshit, Pam,” Gary spit out. He noticed her wince but didn’t care. “You just made it a lot harder on me to get over the pain. If I had known you were attacked, maybe that would have given me a purpose and the purpose would have been to protect you. My son lives with you and that alone should have given me the right to know. You have to stop being so damn selfish. You always think you can handle problems all by yourself. The

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On the Run one thing we were always lacking in our relationship was trust. If you had trusted me even a little bit, you would’ve told me about your problems instead of just kicking me out like I wouldn’t be able to handle it.” His chest was heaving and his voice was hoarse with anger. This wasn’t what he had planned on doing, attacking her like this. He had just never realized how much her lack of trust in him was tearing him up inside. He wasn’t sorry about what he said, just sorry that the timing was so bad. “That’s not true,” Pam said. “I always trusted you. I just didn’t want you to see me as weak and I didn’t need you to protect me, anyway. Your problem was that you could never see me as someone who could handle herself. You were always too busy trying to be my knight in shining armor.” The room went quiet while Gary tried to calm himself down, realizing this argument was going nowhere. He rubbed his face with his hand while the room went silent except for the sound of their breathing. He knew that her bathwater must be getting cold, but she made no motion to get out. He wished she would so that he could hold her in his arms like he ached to do, just to reassure himself she was alive and unharmed, but instead they were throwing stones at each other. ~ Pam just wanted Gary to leave the room so she could be alone. Why couldn’t anyone understand that was all she wanted right now? She wasn’t surprised that Gary was trying to push her. Once he put his mind to something, he always went full steam ahead, letting nothing deter him from his path. His philosophy in life matched his philosophy in racing: put pedal to the metal and run over anyone who tries to get in his way. Now he was coming after her with that same philosophy. She loved him, God knows she did, but he exhausted her.

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Melanie Anderson “Gary, I don’t know what to say anymore.” Her thoughts were jumbled. “I want to work this all out with you, believe me I do, but I just don’t know if I can do it right now.” She watched his gray eyes, so sad, look her over at her. “I know, honey, but I can’t stand the thought of going back home without you. I just keep thinking about how close I was to losing you forever and I—” She watched his face struggle with emotion and felt sympathy. “Come here,” she said, holding out her hand. He walked over and knelt next to the tub, then grasped her hand tightly. “I will always be here. I’m not going anywhere and you haven’t lost me.” She saw him struggle a little more, then watched as his cocky grin resurfaced. “Well, can I at least wash your back?” He gave her a pleading look. She laughed, relieved that the emotional tension had been broken for now. “Get out of here,” she scolded. He leaned forward until he was within inches of her face, so close she could see the pupils of his eyes. “Well, can I at least get a kiss?” She nodded, caught by the emotions swirling around in his eyes, reminding her of gray smoke curling into the sky. He gently touched his lips to hers in a kiss that only lasted seconds yet felt like hours. It was such a simple kiss that said so many different things. His lips were tender on hers and the look in his eyes was as well, but she had to close her own eyes in defense to the question she saw reflected in them. When he pulled back, she felt completely vulnerable to him. He was her soul mate and she knew that she could never shake him, no matter how hard she tried. He stood up with a grimace of pain, reminding Pam of his recent ordeal, and looked down at her. That’s when she realized that the bubbles had long since evaporated,

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On the Run leaving her totally naked to his eyes and it only added to her increasing vulnerability. “I’ll talk to you later,” he whispered and walked out the door. Once he was gone, she moaned and leaned her head back. Forcing herself to get Gary out of her mind, she quickly went to work, washing her hair in the tepid water and rinsing herself off. Afterwards, she gingerly eased herself out of the tub, being careful of her ankle, then toweled herself off, wondering what she was going to do next. That’s when her hands fell still on her stomach and she went still. A life was in there, she thought, a life that belonged to both her and Gary, and there was no way of getting away from that fact. Part of her heart wanted to run to Gary, back to where she should be, but the insecure part of her mind wanted to run in the opposite direction, far away. She just didn’t know if she was ready to give in to him and have her life rearranged totally. She felt like a turtle not willing to leave her shell, in her case the shell being the carefully planned out life she had which consisted of her house, her job and Nathan. It was her way of surviving, even if she knew it was just barely living. Shaking her head, she limped into her bedroom to find some clothes. She had to get back to her guests and pretend like she was fine and not having thoughts of running away and hiding. She didn’t know what was wrong with her anymore and planned on calling Dr. Evans as soon as she could. In the mean time she had Nathan and Lizzie. She would just have to deal with Gary on her own time, that is, if Gary would let her. He was a formidable opponent when he set his mind on something. God help her, she thought with a shudder.

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Chapter 22 Driving back to the hotel, the silence was thick, with both men lost in their thoughts. Gary knew that despite everything he knew now, he was still no closer to figuring out how to get Pam back. He had thought he could win, but instead they were in a standoff and he hadn’t realized it would be this hard to accept the truce. Leaving her alone, even if she had Lizzie with her, was hard for him to swallow, but he also knew that rushing Pam was never the way to go. “I’m going to see Tom,” Gary said, breaking into the silence. “What?” Shawn exploded. “Are you fucking crazy?” “No.” Gary said, “I’m not insane. I’m going to get that detective to let me in to see him. We have some unsettled business between us.” “This sounds like a bad idea, man,” Shawn said, shaking his head. Gary looked at Shawn, his frustration evident in his voice. “Don’t you realize that it wasn’t just Pam he was after? He was after me, too. If I hadn’t kicked his ass all those years ago, he might not have been so angry still. This was revenge, pure and simple.” His hands were shaking in rage at the thought of Tom attacking Pam because of him. “I think you might be wrong.” Shawn said, “I think it was Pam he was after and you were just a bonus to him. But the point is that I don’t think there is anything you could’ve done to prevent this, man.” Gary appreciated Shawn’s efforts to take the blame off his own shoulders, but he knew better. It would’ve made a difference, if he had only been there… “Anyway,” Shawn continued, “what good could come out of seeing Tom again?” “Oh, it will make a big difference,” Gary said. “I might not be able to touch him, but he will know where

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On the Run I’m coming from and where I’ll go if he ever tries something like this again.” Shawn just kept shaking his head. “Man… I know I can’t talk you out of something once you get your stubborn mind set, but I hope you change your mind. You know Pam won’t like it.” Gary winced inside at the reminder of Pam’s feelings and knew that Shawn was putting it lightly; Pam would be absolutely livid if she found out what he was planning on doing. “Pam has been doing things her way for too damn long. If I hadn’t listened to her to begin with, I would have never lost her. I’m going to do it my way this time.” Shawn smirked. “Yeah, I can see how this might end up with you losing and badly. Are you willing to roll the dice with those kinds of odds?” “Shawn, don’t you trust me when I’m behind the wheel and I make a decision that every instinct in your mind is screaming against?” Gary waited while Shawn seemed to think it over. “Yeah,” He reluctantly drawled out. “But that’s a race car, man. This is life.” “You can’t get anywhere in life without taking a chance. I’m going to do it my way this time, and you will see that in the end I will win. You can bet on it.” Gary was damn certain that this time he would win. But in the meantime he was going to see Tom and make sure he knew what it meant to hurt someone that belonged to Gary. And this time, he’d be damn sure the lesson would stick. ~ Pam sighed with relief when the last of the guests left. Marie had put Nathan to bed hours ago. Now it was just she and Lizzie and the quietness of the old house. She was sitting on the couch sipping ginger ale and watching Lizzie flit around, straightening up the living room. “Why don’t you sit down, Lizzie? You’ve done so much all ready today, the rest can wait.”

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Melanie Anderson Lizzie sat down with a sigh. “So, how are you feeling now?” “I don’t know. It’s hard to believe it’s only been twenty-four hours since Tom was here.” She shivered. “It all feels like some sort of bad dream. Part of me still shakes inside at the thought. And then seeing Gary for the first time in so long was emotionally draining, too. It just seems too much.” Pam could feel tears well up in her eyes. “Oh, honey,” Lizzie, crooned, getting up and sitting down next to her. “It’s over now.” Pam choked out, “I don’t know, I just don’t know. Why do these things happen to me? I was so scared, Lizzie.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “So fucking scared. That bastard wanted to kill me and I don’t know why.” “Ssh,” Lizzie whispered. “You did good, Pam. I am so proud of how you kept your wits about you while you were being attacked.” She put her arms around Pam and held her close. Pam sniffed. “It was so scary, Liz, but part of my mind was detached. If it wasn’t for this baby, I don’t know if I could have thought straight. It gave me the incentive to live, but not only that, I also wanted to live long enough to kick Tom’s ass.” She gave a watery chuckle, thinking about how she fought him off. “I bet he’ll never be able to have children.” Lizzie chuckled. “Huh, I should say not. I bet the prisoners wouldn’t even touch him now.” Pam laughed again. “You’re probably right.” They sat together in silence, rocking back and forth with their arms around each other. It reminded Pam of when they were young and Lizzie’s dog had died or when they had broken up with various boyfriends in their teenage years. Lizzie had always been there for her. “What about Gary?” Lizzie asked gently. Pam sighed deeply. “I don’t know. We just keep knocking our heads together over the same issues. He just

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On the Run thinks he’s going to swoop in and rescue me. He thinks I don’t trust him.” “Well, do you?” Lizzie asked. Pam moved away from Lizzie, sitting back on her side of the couch. She knew her friend wasn’t criticizing her, just asking the most logical question, but it still bothered her. “Of course I do.” Lizzie just looked at her and Pam shrugged her shoulders, uncomfortable with Lizzie’s scrutiny. “I do. I just don’t want him to take over my life.” “Oh, Pam.” Lizzie shook her head. “Take it from an expert on your defense mechanisms, you’re just afraid of having to be part of a couple again. I’ve watched you all these years, and every time someone got close to you, you’d back away. You hate to have someone watching you, someone who knows you better than yourself. You don’t want to put your complete trust into someone else because you might get hurt. You would have probably gotten rid of me years ago if I would’ve let you.” “What?” Pam was shocked. “Lizzie, that isn’t true. How can you say that?” “Pam,” Lizzie said patiently. “If it wasn’t for me calling you constantly, you would’ve just pulled away. You hardly ever call me.” Pam opened her mouth to protest, but Lizzie cut her off, “You know it’s true, Pam.” Pam sat for a minute with her eyes closed. She wasn’t sure if this was true or not. “Maybe, I don’t know. You’ve never given me a chance to find out. I didn’t realize I push people away.” Lizzie touched Pam’s arm. “I think you have a very low opinion of yourself and don’t think people could truly like you if they knew all your secrets. I realized that as soon as you told me you were getting a divorce. I tried to talk to you but you were stubborn and wouldn’t listen so I hoped you’d come to realize it yourself, but you didn’t. So now we sit here, five, almost six years later and I see you doing the same thing. Here you have a chance to get back

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Melanie Anderson what you let go and you’re bailing. You’re running away again.” Pam felt hurt knowing Lizzie thought of her this way, but part of her realized it could be true and Lord knows she knew that the truth hurt sometimes. “So, should I just give up my life here and go running to North Carolina to Gary?” Pam’s voice was filled with hurt that she hid with sarcasm. Lizzie sighed in exasperation. “No. I didn’t say that. Why do you act like being with Gary means you have to give up your life? Like it’s a prison sentence?” She stood up and moved around the room restlessly. “When you were married to him, did he ever try to stop you from doing what you wanted to do? Did he lock you up in the house?” Pam’s voice was defensive now. “No, but he always hated it when I didn’t go to his races. If I dared to act like I didn’t want to go, he would act sullen and pout. In the beginning he wouldn’t leave me alone at all.” Lizzie rolled her eyes. “He just wanted you to be with him. Don’t you think if you told him that you didn’t want to go, he would’ve let you do what you wanted? What about when Nathan started school and you wanted to live here? Didn’t he agree to the arrangement despite the difficulty of having to come back to Virginia between races?” “Yes,” Pam said, her hand going to her hair and twisting. Lizzie sat down and looked Pam straight in the eyes. “Did you ever think that you could have compromised a little? I think you were the one who didn’t want to give up any part of your life for him. I think he was the only one who went out of his way to give you what you wanted. I don’t see how you ever gave up anything unless you wanted to.” Pam was worrying her bottom lip, and she had a lowgrade urge for a cigarette which she hadn’t felt in years.

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On the Run Lizzie had touched a nerve that she didn’t even realize she had. She had never thought of it that way before. In her version, all she could remember was rearranging her life for Gary. “I guess I’ve been blaming Gary for all my problems when it was really me with the problem,” she said out loud to herself. “Honey,” Pam turned to Lizzie. “I don’t mean to add to all your other problems.” Lizzie touched her hand. “You’ve been through a traumatic experience and I hate to make it worse. It’s just that I see two people I really love who have a second chance at being happy and I’m afraid that they are going to be too stubborn to see what’s in front of their faces. You know that you love Gary. I haven’t seen you truly happy since you were married to him.” She stopped and ran her hand down Pam’s face. “I know you’re scared and I know what that feeling is like. I have to make an important decision myself when it comes to Andrew and I don’t know what I’m going to do, either.” “What decision?” Pam realized that she hadn’t even asked Lizzie how she was doing. She hadn’t given a thought to where Andrew was. Maybe Lizzie was right; she was selfish. “Well, I didn’t want to bring it up now, considering what happened to you.” Lizzie looked nervous, fidgeting with the coasters on the coffee table. “Oh, come on, Lizzie, I’ve unloaded on you. You’ve done so much for me lately; I want to help you if I can.” She reached for Lizzie’s hand to stop the fidgeting. “I’m going to move out of the house. We worked on therapy but it just didn’t work. I don’t know if he really cheated on me or not, and I don’t think it even matters anymore. What we had is gone. Now we are more like two strangers sleeping in the same house.” Lizzie stopped. Her hand covered her mouth, trying to hold in the sob. “Oh, Lizzie…” Pam put her arms around her friend. “I hate knowing you’re hurting like this. If that is what you

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Melanie Anderson want, then you should leave him. I know you love him, but maybe it’s time to move on.” “I know.” Lizzie sighed, “It’s just hard, you know? Giving up on a relationship that has gone on this long. I never thought it would end this way, it’s like there is no more emotion left in either of us.” “Liz, I think you need to do what’s right for you. You shouldn’t stay in a loveless relationship. You deserve so much more. I know you always wanted to have children. You need to find someone who can love you as much as you love them and somebody who will give you those children. I don’t think Andrew is the one.” “You’re right.” Lizzie said, “In fact, I was talking to Shawn and he said—” “Shawn?” Pam was shocked and a little hurt; she hadn’t realized they were that close. “When do you talk to Shawn?” “Pam,” Lizzie admonished, “you know we’ve kept in touch since Gary’s accident. We are friends now. He listens to me.” “Okay.” Pam said, her mind shifting gears. “I’m sorry, go on.” “Well, he said that I deserved better than Andrew. In fact, he thinks that Andrew is all wrong for me. He even noticed the night of Gary’s accident at the hospital.” Hmm, Pam thought. Do I smell a little romance brewing? Pam would be thrilled if it was true. She loved Lizzie and really liked Shawn. She was just surprised she hadn’t thought of it before. “Well, I think it’s great that you are talking to Shawn, and I happen to agree with him. If whatever you had with Andrew is gone, then you should move on. And if you need me, I’ll be here for you. Always.” Pam reached over and gave Lizzie a big hug. “You are my best friend.” “I know.” Lizzie said in Pam’s ear. “I know.” ~

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On the Run The next morning Gary sat in the bustling lobby of the police precinct, waiting to speak to Detective Truman. A few of the officers were sneaking looks his way, possibly recognizing him, but he didn’t care. He wasn’t there to give autographs. “Mr. Foster?” Gary looked up and saw the detective standing in the hallway leading to the back of the police station. “I was just about to go over to your ex-wife’s house to get her statement.” Gary’s still hated when people referred to her as his ex-wife. “I just wanted to talk to you for a moment.” “Sure,” The detective said, giving Gary a quizzical look. “Come on back.” Gary followed the detective down the hall, absentmindedly glancing in at the other detectives’ offices and hearing the hum of a copier. They stopped at a laughably small office with a beaten up desk topped by an impressive laptop computer. Truman pointed to a battered up desk chair and then walked around to the chair on the other side of the desk. He sat down with a sigh and asked, “What’s up?” “Look, Detective Truman, Roy, I need to see Tom.” He waited while Truman studied Gary, seeming to size him up. “Impossible.” Truman said. “I cannot possibly let you see the suspect.” “Roy, you don’t understand.” Gary shifted his chair and unconsciously went into the stance he took in his racecar when someone was trying to pass him. “I’m not asking. I’m telling you.” Truman chuckled dryly. “Yes, I can see that. But I don’t understand how you are planning on seeing him without my consent.” “Well, I guess I’ll simply wait here at the police station until I get my way. And I should warn you right now that when I decide on something, I don’t back down.”

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Melanie Anderson Truman turned in his chair and looked outside his small window. “Again, Mr. Foster…” “Gary.” The detective turned away from the window and faced him again. “Gary. I’m impressed by your determination, and I understand your position, but it would go against all procedures. It might jeopardize my case against him, and you wouldn’t want your wife’s attacker to get away because you had to take a pound of flesh from him, would you?” Gary noticed the detective’s use of the present tense on the word wife. The detective impressed him, seeming to know all of Gary’s buttons, but it wasn’t going to deter him from his mission. “That’s ridiculous. I’m simply a visitor here to see a prisoner. It shouldn’t affect anything. Would it make any difference if I told you that I wouldn’t talk to him about the case?” Truman snorted in disbelief. “Yeah, right. And what else could you possibly want to talk to him about? The weather? Or maybe you were going to talk about football? Please don’t play me for a fool, Mr. Foster.” “Detective, what Tom and I have between us is personal and goes back a long way. I really need to clear up some things with him before I go back to North Carolina. Please, just let me see him for five minutes. That’s it.” “I don’t think so.” Gary leaned forward and asked, “Do you have a wife?” Truman unconsciously looked at the picture of his family on his desk. “Yes…but I don’t see—” “What if this was your wife who had been attacked?” Watching the detective’s face turn red, Gary realized he had hit a nerve. Truman jumped out of his seat. “Now you have gone too far.”

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On the Run That had been Gary’s intention. Now he went in for the attack, driving his point home. “Wouldn’t you want to be able to look into your wife’s attacker’s eyes for at least five minutes?” The detective wrenched his hand through his hair, obviously frustrated. “You just don’t seem to get it. It doesn’t matter what I would do. I have responsibilities and I have a job to do here. I can’t let you see him. Period.” Gary stood up, placed his hands on the desk, and leaned forward until they were eye-to-eye. “And if this was your wife, would you accept this line of bullshit like you expect me to?” ~ Pam sat at her kitchen table, drinking a cup of coffee, decaffeinated unfortunately. Sometimes she really missed the kick of caffeine, but usually there was so many other changes going on with her body that she hardly noticed anymore. It had been eight years since Nathan was born, and it was almost like her first pregnancy except this time she wasn’t nauseated at all and the worst symptoms she had were exhaustion and hunger. She was always hungry. That was why Lizzie was standing in front of the refrigerator trying to decide what to make for her breakfast. Pam had tried to tell her that she would be fine with a piece of toast or something but Lizzie wasn’t having it. “I think I’ll make pancakes,” Lizzie said to the contents of the refrigerator, making Pam feel invisible. No matter what she said, Lizzie ignored it. She had wanted to walk down the stairs by herself but Lizzie had ears like a cat and had heard her moving around and came to help her. Pam hated feeling like an invalid. “Okay,” Pam said to the wall. She knew Lizzie wasn’t listening to her anyway. Their talk the night before had kept Pam up late, tossing and turning. She had also been overtired from her ordeal, so tired she hadn’t been able to

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Melanie Anderson sleep. She didn’t think she had fallen asleep until about three in the morning. Now it was nine-thirty and she still felt like she hadn’t gotten any sleep at all, but trying to fall back to sleep had proven fruitless when all the aches and pains started coming back. The only solution had been to get up and face the day. In the back of her mind, she wondered why she hadn’t heard from Gary yet. The way he had acted, she thought he would have called first thing in the morning, or been at her house, for that matter. She wasn’t even sure when he was planning on going back home. Part of her didn’t want him to go at all and the other part wanted him far away for her peace of mind. His presence always disturbed her, like a gigantic magnet that she couldn’t turn away from. “What did you say, honey?” Lizzie had moved away from the refrigerator and was now holding the carton of eggs in one hand and the milk in the other. “Nothing,” Pam said. “You know you don’t have to cook me breakfast. You do enough all ready.” “Don’t talk stupid, Pam.” Lizzie was reading the back of the Bisquick box. “Just shut up and drink your coffee.” “Yes, Mom.” Sometimes she wondered why she even bothered saying anything, it wasn’t like anybody listened to her. Nathan walked in the room with Ruffles tagging along behind him. “Hey, Mom. Aunt Lizzie.” “Hey baby.” Pam held her arms open and Nathan came over to give her a big hug. She ruffled his hair and asked, “How did you sleep?” “Good.” He said shortly. “I’m hungry.” He walked over and started sniffing around Lizzie. “What are you making?” Lizzie turned away from the counter and smiled down at Nathan. “I’m making pancakes.” “Cool.” Nathan walked over to the refrigerator, got out a juice box, put the straw in the box and sucked down the

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On the Run drink in about three seconds flat. Nathan always did love his juice. “Nathan, come here and sit down.” Pam pulled out the chair next to her and patted the seat. Nathan walked over and sat down. “What?” “How do feel about having a new baby brother or sister?” Pam felt like she had to get this out of the way, and the sooner the better. She had to know how this was going to affect Nathan, since that was the most important priority she had at the moment. Nathan scrunched up his nose. “I don’t know. I guess it’s good. But I don’t want a sister. I want a brother.” Pam and Lizzie laughed. “Unfortunately we don’t have any choice in the matter, Nathan. God decides whether it’s a girl or a boy,” Pam explained. She watched Nathan’s bottom lip come out in a pout. “Well, okay. But I really want a brother so that he can play video games with me and build forts.” “Honey, it will be awhile until you will be able to do any of those things. It’s going to be just a little baby.” “Oh.” Nathan said. He looked confused. “When is the baby going to be here?” “Sometime in August.” “That’s a long time.” “I know.” Pam picked up his hand. “Are you okay with this?” “I guess.” He looked over at Pam with hope in his eyes. “Does this mean that Dad will come live with us?” Lizzie made a small noise of distress and Pam’s heart sank. She hadn’t been prepared for questions about Gary. She should have realized he would ask about him, but she hadn’t thought past making sure he was all right with the pregnancy. “Honey… Your dad and I are still talking about that, but I just don’t know if that will ever happen.” “Oh,” Nathan said, looking a little crestfallen. “Can I go outside and play?”

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Melanie Anderson Pam’s smile was strained. “Of course. But stay close since breakfast will be ready soon.” “I will,” Nathan said, running out of the room and out the back door. Pam buried her face into her hands. Her voice muffled, she asked, “What am I going to do, Lizzie?” “I just don’t know, honey.” Lizzie turned back to her pancakes. “But I think you are going to have to decide soon.” ~ Gary waited for the detective to come back and let him know when he could visit Tom. He knew Truman was pulling a lot of strings for him to see Tom and he appreciated it, but even knowing he was putting the detective and possibly the case at risk did not make him change his mind about seeing Tom. He knew that he would never be able to rest easy until he was able to look him in the eye. Man to man, or scum, in this case. “Okay,” Truman said, walking back into his office. “You can see him for five minutes and that’s it. I mean it. If anyone else finds out about this, it will be my butt in a sling. It’s already going to be hell when his lawyer finds out.” “I’ll make sure that Tom doesn’t say anything.” The detective looked at Gary, astonished. “And how are you going to accomplish that? The guy hasn’t shut up since we locked him up.” “I have my ways.” Gary said, leaving it at that. “Hmm…” Truman looked at Gary like he was sizing him up. “I think you might. I have to say that so far you’ve really impressed me. Now I’ll have to see if you can really accomplish this little miracle. Follow me.”

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Chapter 23 Pam was sitting at the table, continuing to nurse her coffee and Lizzie was sliding pancakes onto a plate when they heard a knock on the front door. “I’ll get it.” Pam said, starting to get out of the chair. “No, you sit down,” Lizzie admonished, putting a plate of pancakes in front of Pam. “You need to rest.” “I’m not an invalid,” Pam protested. “Stop whining,” Lizzie said, walking into the other room towards the front door. “Stop whining.” Pam repeated under her breath. “I’m not whining.” She pulled the butter dish towards her and used her knife to put butter on her pancakes. “I never whine.” “What did you say, dear?” Pam looked up to see Marie standing there with a small smile on her face. Great, Pam thought, now Marie thinks I’m crazy. “Nothing, Mom.” Pam said, accepting Marie’s kiss on the cheek. “Won’t you sit down and have some pancakes? Lizzie made plenty.” “No, thank you, dear,” Marie said. “I had something at the hotel before we came over here.” “How about some coffee?” Lizzie asked, following Jack and Shawn into the kitchen. Pam suddenly felt selfconscious sitting in her pajamas with her hair sticking up all over the place, not that it wasn’t different from most other days. “Sure, coffee sounds good,” Marie answered Lizzie. “I’ll get it.” Pam noticed Jack looking at her with a quizzical expression on his face. Pam knew that Jack always had problems dealing with people who were in pain or hurt. “Hi, Jack,” she said tentatively. “Hey, girl,” he said gruffly. “How’s the little one doing?” Pam wasn’t sure if he was talking about her or the baby or even Nathan.

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Melanie Anderson “Fine,” she answered in general. “Do you want some pancakes?” She watched his eyes flicker to his wife’s face and after some silent communication, he finally said, “Sure.” Lizzie walked over and made him a big plate. On the way back to the table, she brushed her hand down Shawn’s arm. “Sit down, Shawn. Do you want some pancakes?” Pam watched with interest as Shawn’s face turned red. He mumbled, “‘k.” Pam had never seen Shawn nervous in her whole life. She resisted the urge to tease him and asked instead, “Where’s Gary?” Now it seemed like his entire body turned red and if it was possible, he looked even more uncomfortable than before. “He had something to do this morning.” Pam was surprised. What in the world did he have to do? He didn’t even know he was coming into town. “It was strange.” Marie said from across the room where she was standing by the counter with a cup of coffee in her hands. “He wouldn’t say where he was going, just that he had something really important to take care of and then he would be over here as soon as he could.” Pam watched Shawn’s face and had a feeling that Shawn knew exactly where Gary was and that she wouldn’t like it. She decided to let it go for now and just wait for Gary and ask him. ~ Staring at Tom through the metal bars separating them, it took all of Gary’s willpower not to just grab the man and start choking him. He had never been a bloodthirsty person, but in this instance he wasn’t sure what he would do. Now he looked at Tom and said, “If you ever get out of jail and I find out you are anywhere near Pam, I will kill you.” His voice was calm and deadly. He meant every word he said. “Yeah, right—” Tom started to say.

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On the Run “Yeah, that is right.” Gary interrupted. “And you will not say anything to anybody about me coming here today.” “Oh, and how are you going to stop me?” Tom’s face was smug with satisfaction. Tom mistakenly thought he had Gary by the balls, but Gary knew better than that. “Do you remember Rick?” Gary watched with satisfaction as Tom’s face turned white. “What about him?” Tom asked with false bravado. “Well, it’s real small world, because now he’s a member of my pit crew. A while back he came up to me and asked me for a job, saying we had something in common, that something being that we both hated your guts.” “I don’t know what you are talking about,” Tom said with a little less force. Gary could tell that he knew exactly what he was talking about. “Oh, I think you do. Something about testifying against him on a false charge of vehicular homicide. You made up testimony that sent him to jail for five years. Just because he accidentally killed your drug supplier. I always wondered why you ran away all those years ago, and now I know.” Tom walked away and sat down on the cot. He looked like he was trying to ignore Gary, but Gary was relentless. “All I would have to do is tell him that I know where you are. I can’t say he will kill you because I know Rick isn’t interested in going back to jail, but I can say that he will make what Pam did to you look mild. I can also guarantee that you will be in the hospital for a very long time.” Gary watched in satisfaction as Tom put his face in his hands. He had won, but it was an empty victory because Tom was still alive. “You try to hurt anyone that belongs to me ever again and I will kill you, that’s a fucking guarantee. And if anyone finds out about this visit and I hear about it, then I’ll have to let Rick know you where you are.”

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Melanie Anderson Tom mumbled something that sounded like, “Fuck you.” “Yeah, fuck me is right. You have tried to fuck me for the last time. You’re finished.” Gary looked in disgust at the pathetic excuse of a human being sitting in the cell. He started to walk away. “You don’t scare me, you asshole.” Tom yelled just as Gary was about to walk out of the door. “Hold on,” Gary told the guard, who just looked bored, turned around, and walked back to where Tom was standing at the cell door with his arms at his sides, his hands in fists. This time Gary grabbed his collar and pulled him forward until they were eye-to-eye. “Hey—” Tom started to yell. “You listen to me and you listen good, you piece of shit, because I’m not repeating this again.” Gary waited until Tom stopped struggling and looked him in the eye. “I better scare you, because I’m dead serious. You touched what belonged to me and I’ve warned you before about that. I’m fed up with this bullshit and I’m ready anytime you are to settle this once and for all. But you are going down, you son of a bitch. One way or another. If you don’t go to jail, then I will hunt you down to the ends of the earth until you are history. Do you hear me?” Tom’s eyes had been getting wider and wider as Gary talked. He had been struggling to breathe as Gary increased the pressure around his neck. Gary let go so he wouldn’t leave a mark and said louder this time, “Do you understand?” Tom nodded, his eyes shooting sparks at Gary. Gary started walking backward, keeping eye contact with Tom. “You will never the see the light of day, you miserable piece of shit.” And that was one promise Gary planned on keeping. ~

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On the Run Pam sat on the couch, only half listening to the conversations going on around her, too busy trying to figure out where Gary was. From what she could tell, Marie was talking to Lizzie about Christmas and Nathan, who had come inside, was talking to Shawn and Jack about racing. They all heard the door opening at the same time and Pam leaned forward in anticipation. Gary walked into the room, his eyes zeroing in on Pam. The rest of the room became shadowed and indistinct as she looked into the storm in his eyes. “I need to talk to Pam.” He eyes had trapped her so that she couldn’t get free. Everybody started moving at once. “Why don’t you two go upstairs?” Lizzie said. “I’m sure we can all entertain ourselves for a little while.” Gary was already crossing the room and helping Pam off the couch. Pam felt like she was being enveloped by a tidal wave as everybody stepped back to let them through. She wasn’t sure if she was ready for this, but she could sense that Gary was not going to be put off. It was now or never. They limped together up the stairs with Gary assisting her along. He walked down the hall, opened her door and then helped her to the bed so she could sit down. He walked across the room, grabbed her vanity chair turned it around to face her, and then sat down. Both them stared at each other until the silence had stretched on so long that Pam had to break it. “Where were you?” “I went to see Tom,” he said, not offering any further explanation. “What?” Pam screeched. “Are you crazy?” “No.” “That’s it? That’s all you are going to say? No? No reason, no explanation.” She leaned forward on the bed with her hands firmly placed on her thighs. She felt the anger rise up and she welcomed it.

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Melanie Anderson “I don’t need to have a reason. He attacked you. That’s reason enough.” Gary sat still, not a muscle moving. The only reaction she could see to her anger was a flicker of his eyes. “What did you say to him? What did you do? I swear to God, if you ruined my case, I will hurt you.” Pam couldn’t stay still; she had to stand up. Gary stood up, too, and grabbed her arm. “Sit down.” He said firmly, nudging her back down. There was a struggle between them as Gary said between his teeth, “Damn it. I didn’t ruin your case. I said sit down.” She finally sat down because she was too physically worn out to fight him. She also gave up because she knew there was no way she could beat Gary when he was being stubborn. “So, why did you go there?” “I told you,” Gary chipped out. “He attacked you, and that is something I can’t and won’t just let go of. I had to let him know what I would do if he ever did that again.” “Oh, you are such a macho jerk. Why do you always have to flex your muscles to prove you are a man? Tom’s in jail and I doubt he will get out, so there was really no reason for you to go down there. And how do you know you haven’t ruined my case?” Pam was so furious she could hardly speak. “I just gave him a reason not to say anything.” “What? Did you threaten to beat him up? He knows you can’t touch him while he’s in jail. I don’t understand what you could have possibly said or done to stop Tom from talking.” Pam could tell that Gary did not want to tell her anything, probably assuming she was just going to accept his explanation and move on. But she wasn’t stupid. She needed to know in case it came back to haunt her. Gary had a tendency to go off half-cocked, especially when he was angry or threatened.

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On the Run Finally he relented. “Do you remember a guy named Rick?” She shook her head trying to think. “No.” She said slowly. “I don’t think so.” “He’s on my pit crew, the right front tire changer, big man with a moustache. Looks like Jack Palance.” Pam shrugged her shoulders; she still didn’t know who he was talking about. “Well,” Gary said, “maybe he joined up after we got our divorce.” Gary’s voice was dry as dust when he mentioned the divorce. Pam decided to ignore that for now. “I still don’t know who are talking about, but what does it matter, anyway? Who is he?” Pam was confused about where this conversation was going. “Back before Tom left town, he had some issues with Rick. You see, Rick accidentally hit a man with a car and Tom testified against him. He knew Rick didn’t do it on purpose, but he lied because it was his drug dealer that Rick hit. And he knew that the rest of the guy’s gang would go after Tom if he didn’t say what they expected to hear. I guess he owed them money. Anyway, luckily for Rick, they were able to plead it down to vehicular homicide, but he still had to serve five years.” Gary stopped. “Wait—that sounds familiar. I think I remember Rick. Wasn’t he a friend of Tom’s? They went to school together or something?” “Yep.” Gary said. “Oh, okay, I remember now. It was on the news for awhile. This happened over in Alexandria.” Pam was relieved that she remembered, but… “Wait a minute. Are you telling me that you threatened him with this story? You blackmailed him?” The disbelief was evident in her voice. Gary smiled smugly; “Rick has never forgotten who screwed him over. I told Tom if he opened his mouth and

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Melanie Anderson told anybody about my little visit, then I would have to tell Rick that I had located his old buddy. That was enough to shut him up. You see, Tom is what you would call a pussy. He can only beat up on women.” Gary’s face was twisted, his voice bitter. He was practically spitting the words out of his mouth. Pam had never seen him so angry. “I still don’t see why you had to go down there.” Pam said. “You don’t, do you?” Gary asked. “You have never understood me at all.” “What are you talking about?” Pam was confused. She didn’t know where he was going with this. “You have underestimated me since the day we met. I’m not someone who is just going to sit there while you try to solve all your problems by yourself and I’m not going to just let this go. You just think you can brush me aside when you don’t want me.” Pam jerked her head back in disbelief. “Now I really don’t know what you are talking about. What does this have to do with anything? What are we talking about here?” “We are talking about the only thing that matters to me at this moment. You and I. Our relationship. You think we are just going to let things stand as they are. That you are going to stay up here in Virginia and me down in North Carolina. You think that we are going to go back to the way we are, but I’m sorry, honey, it’s not going to be like that.” Pam did the only thing she could do when under attack; she fought back. “Did I ever say that?” Her voice rose in disbelief. “I don’t recall saying that. Why are you walking into my house and attacking me like this? You don’t even know what I want.” She crossed her arms in defense. “Well, what do you want, Pam? You have avoided me for months now. You let me believe you didn’t give a damn about me and now that you are hurt and pregnant

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On the Run with my child, you won’t let me take care of you. You turn to Lizzie instead of me all the time. What am I suppose to think?” He stood up and started pacing. It was slow pacing with his limp, but Pam could still see the anger in the movement. Pam tried to lower her voice since she knew everybody was still downstairs, but it wasn’t easy. “You haven’t given me any chance to decide what I’m going to do. The attack was only twenty-four hours ago and here you are, demanding answers while we’ve only just started working on the reason I left you before. I haven’t had time to work this out yet.” “Well, work it out quick, because I’m not leaving until you decide.” That did it. “Fuck you.” Gary stopped pacing, his face jerked back like she had slapped him. She had hardly ever cussed at him except when she was extremely angry. “What did you say to me?” His voice held a warning in it, but Pam didn’t care if she was pushing her luck. She’d had enough. “I said fuck you, Gary.” She stood up, putting her hands on her waist. When Gary moved forward, she put her hand out and he stopped. “I know you heard me, so stop being cute. I’ve had enough of you telling me what I’m going to do. I’m a grown woman; I can do what I want. I never said I wasn’t going to work this out with you. And I never said I didn’t want to be with you. I simply said that I wanted to work this out. I wasn’t excluding you.” Gary walked up to her until they were face to face. His voice was low and cold. “Try to tell that to someone who doesn’t know you, Pam. I’ve seen this many times before. You promise you are going to work it out, but then you retreat and hide. Pam, you are a coward, pure and simple. You hide in this house and hope that some fairy will come along and work out all your problems.” Pam couldn’t detect any love in his expression at all. All she could see

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Melanie Anderson was the cold gray in his eyes and the tightness around his mouth. He wasn’t giving an inch this time. Pam knew that she had finally pushed him too far. She shook her head in denial, stepping back to put some distance between herself and his anger. “I don’t know what you are talking about.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a pleasant laugh. “You don’t, do you? Well, I can tell you, dear,” he said, his voice biting, “that you are doing it right now. I just moved forward and you moved back in retreat. You’ve been running for years now, but my mistake was that I always thought we were moving in the same direction.” She turned away. “I’m not a coward,” she said, determinedly thinking of the attack. His voice was a little softer but still held anger. “Not when it comes to Nathan and this unborn child, but you are when it comes to me.” His voice changed again; this time it sounded pleading when he asked, “Why are you scared of me?” She finally admitted to herself and to him what she had been denying all these years by saying softly, “I don’t know.” She was looking off in the distance, avoiding his eyes. He touched her chin firmly and pulled her face towards him, forcing her to look him in his eyes. They were sad and disappointed. “I don’t know, either, and that’s our problem. All I’ve ever done is love you, and yes, I freely admit that I have always tried to protect you, too. But Pam…” Pam looked away from the passion in his eyes, for it was like the sun, too bright to look at. “Look at me, Pam,” he demanded in a no-nonsense voice that made Pam look back up. “That’s all I know how to do. When you love someone, you never want to see them hurt or in pain. There was no manual that came with loving you, I’ve had to play it by ear. I would try not to crowd you or scare you, but you still retreated.” He shook his head sadly. “It hurts to know you are scared of me. You are the only one

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On the Run in this world who ever mattered to me, and the only one I would kill for. It hurts me more than you will ever know that you feel fear when it comes to me.” Pam pulled away and sat back down on the bed, her ankle aching like her heart. “I don’t know what to do,” she whispered. He dropped down to sit next to her on the bed and let out a deep weary sigh, his frustration obvious. Pam knew that they were at an impasse and that it was her fault. She was just such a confused mess. Here she was, sitting next to the man that she loved more than she had ever loved anyone in her life, but she was afraid to be with him. He was the father of her children. Not only that, he was the only person she had ever wanted to be the father of her children. She trusted him with her children’s lives but she had never trusted him with hers. “I just don’t know,” she repeated. Gary sighed again and asked, “Do you love me?” Startled, she turned her head, her eyes devouring the familiar face, and spoke from her heart. “Yes, I do.” His eyes closed and he reached for her hand, pulling it towards him. His head bowed until his lip touched her hand. Kissing it softly he said, “And I love you. That’s all that should matter.” His voice was raspy with emotion. “But in our relationship, it never has.” Gary stood up and Pam felt the first licks of panic. “Where are you going?” Her voice sounded desperate even though she hated showing any weakness. Gary looked down at her with pity. “Pam, you are too mixed up for us to continue this conversation. I’m going back to the house that was supposed to be our home but that you never wanted. I don’t even think you wanted us. I understand that you have panic attacks and I understand that they were terrible, but maybe they could have been a little easier if you had trusted me enough to tell me. To me our problems seem so simple. All you have to do is give up a little bit of your independence and a lot of your heart

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Melanie Anderson and I would do the same for you. But you want it both ways. You want to be independent, yet you never want to let me go. I’ve always admired your sense of humor and even admired your sarcasm. That way you have of being able to joke about everything. Pam, I never wanted to change you or trap you.” He reached down and ran his finger down her face. “I didn’t even want to take over your life. I just wanted to know that you loved me as much as I love you and that you couldn’t live without me. But obviously you can do just fine without me.” Pam watched with growing horror as she realized that this was truly it. She wasn’t leaving him this time, he was leaving her. “But…” She knew she wanted to say something but couldn’t think of what it was. Her mind was blank with panic. “Pam.” He walked back to her, then gently pulled her up so that his eyes could search hers. He leaned forward, put his lips on hers and gave her a kiss that was gentle yet passionate, devastating to her heart because she knew it was a goodbye kiss. “I have to go,” he whispered, pulling her forward in a hug. “I love you,” she whispered back. He pulled back and gave her a crooked smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I know.” ~ Walking down the stairs, Gary felt dead inside. He found leaving Pam this time was a lot harder than ever before, but it was the only way he could hope to keep his sanity. He was tired of being pulled apart inside. Walking into the living room, he could feel all eyes on him, waiting to find out what had happened because as soon as he walked in everybody started talking at once. Ignoring the curiosity of the adults, he walked straight to Nathan, who was on the floor playing with his Legos. He kneeled down next to him, ignoring the aches and pains in

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On the Run his leg. Nathan looked up. “Dad, did you come to play with me?” Gary could feel tears welling up in his eyes. He had really thought that this time would be different so that he could finally be with his son all the time like he wanted. He had imagined Pam and Nathan coming home with him. He cleared his throat, getting rid of the lump that had developed. “What are you building, Nate?” “I’m building a race track.” Nathan said, focused on his project. Gary looked down and noticed that it indeed looked like a racetrack complete with racecars. “That’s cool, Nate.” Gary said, pride in his voice. “You are doing a great job.” “Thanks.” Marie spoke from across the room, “Nate, you are so creative, just like your dad.” Gary didn’t look at his mother, just continued to watch Nathan, not trusting himself not to break down if he saw the sympathy he was sure was in her eyes. His mom was always able to see through him. “I’ve got to go, Nate.” Nathan looked up. “Already?” he exclaimed. “You just go here. Can’t you wait until Mom is better?” It broke Gary’s heart to say, “I’m sorry, Nate, but I’ve got to get back home. You’ve got to take care of your mom now.” Nathan smiled somewhat mollified. “I do a good job taking care of Mom.” “I know.” Gary said ruffling Nathan’s head. “You are a big boy now.” “What about my new brother or sister? Are you going to be here for that?” Nathan’s eyes were wide in his face. “Are you going to be the baby’s dad, too?” Gary could feel the tension in the room while they waiting in anticipation for his answer. He was trying real hard not to think about leaving Pam alone and pregnant. He had to keep telling himself it was for everybody’s own good, but it was hard to believe looking into Nathan’s eyes

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Melanie Anderson and feeling his own heart breaking. “Yes, Nathan, I’m going to be your new baby brother or sister’s dad, too. I’ll be back before then, I promise.” “Okay.” Nathan said, satisfied. He went back to building his racetrack, leaving Gary amazed by the complete trust that kids had in their parents. He wished adults could have the same blind faith children did. Gary stood up, stumbling a little when his bad leg threatened to give out on him. “I’ll see you later, Nate. Give me a kiss.” Nate stood up, grabbed his father tight and hugged him. Gary leaned down and gave everything he had to the hug, holding on tighter than he usually did. The hug was long and helped heal some of the pain in his heart, but nowhere close to what he needed. That could only come from Pam. “I love you, brat,” Gary said affectionately. “Be good.” Shawn came forward with Gary’s jacket. “Are you ready to go?” Shawn asked gruffly, obviously trying to act like everything was normal. Gary knew that his emotions were all over his face and that his family knew that things had not gone well with Pam. “Sure, I’m ready,” He had to leave with his pride intact, knowing it was the only way to make things right. Obviously Pam wasn’t ready to talk rationally about their relationship. “Will we see you back to the hotel?” his mom asked, standing up to see him out the door. “No, I think we will leave right away and get back to North Carolina early.” Gary moved towards the door. They had rented a car, figuring it would be easier for them to all leave at separate times, instead of taking the plane back. Of course that was when Gary had thought he would stay with Pam. Since those plans had changed, it still worked out for the best. He did not want to drive back with his parents with them wondering and speculating about

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On the Run what had happened. He loved his parents, but he wasn’t ready to talk right now. As they reached the hallway, he looked up the stairs to see Pam leaning against the railing at the top. He had never seen her look so defeated. Her eyes showed the fatigue and worry. She simply stared down at him, not saying a word. He silently saluted her and walked out the door. He was tired of fighting and tired of trying to do what was right. Let her be the one to know how it felt to lose. Walking out the door, he didn’t look back.

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Chapter 24 “Are you okay?” Lizzie’s voice was loud in the quiet room. Pam was still sitting on her bed, defeated. “Yes.” Of course she was lying. “No.” She needed to go downstairs and say goodbye to Gary’s parents. And she needed to take care of Nathan. “I have to—” “Honey, let me take care of everything, okay?” Lizzie put her hand on Pam’s shoulder. “Don’t worry about it.” Pam patted Lizzie’s hand. “I appreciate it, but I really should do it myself.” Later that night Pam walked Lizzie to the door. As much as she hated to see Lizzie leave, she knew it was time to start taking care of herself. She needed to start treating Lizzie like the friend she was and not use her for a crutch. “Are you sure you are going to be alright?” Lizzie asked anxiously. “Yes, Mom,” Pam said, grinning. “You need to go home and stop worrying about me.” Lizzie looked hurt. “You know I will never stop doing that.” Pam quickly soothed, “I don’t mean that. I meant that you needed to start living your own life. It’s time I learned to take care of myself.” Lizzie smiled and gave Pam a big hug. “I know you can take care of yourself. I just like feeling needed. I know you would do the same for me.” Pam tried her best to keep a straight face as she said, “No, I wouldn’t.” Then she laughed at the expression on Lizzie’s face. “Of course I would, silly,” she scolded. “Don’t you ever doubt it. There are very few people in my life that I love as much as you.” Lizzie was standing on the porch facing Pam, who was leaning against the doorjamb holding her crutches at her side. Nathan was inside somewhere building a fort. For a

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On the Run split second Pam felt her life was complete. Until she remembered the unfinished business with Gary. Lizzie must have noticed Pam’s mood shift because she said quietly, “Don’t worry about Gary, Pam. He won’t stay away for long. He could never stop loving you. Even if he tried.” Pam smiled sadly. “I’m not worried about him loving me. I’m worried about him liking me. I haven’t been a very likable person.” Lizzie started rooting though her purse for her keys. “Don’t worry about that Pam,” she said distractedly. “You’ve both been through so much lately that neither of you are thinking straight. I would just give it time.” Pam smiled as she asked, “How come you are so smart?” Lizzie found her keys, looked up and gave Pam a sassy smile. “Age and experience, my friend.” She winked. “You will find out one day.” Pam rolled her eyes. Lizzie was only a couple months older than she was. “Okay, old women,” she said sarcastically. “Get your ass on out of here.” Lizzie saluted. “I’m going.” She started walking down the sidewalk. Just as Pam went to shut the door, Lizzie turned back, her face solemn. “Pam, if you get scared or upset, please call me. You really don’t need to be alone at a time like this.” “I will,” Pam promised. Lizzie looked satisfied. “Okay then. See ya later, chickie.” “Later.” She stood at the door until Lizzie got into the car and drove away. ~ The ride home to North Carolina was quiet. Gary stared out the passenger window, lost in his own thoughts. The only problem was he didn’t know what to think. Everything was all turned around. One part of him was furious at Pam and the other part wanted to go back and

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Melanie Anderson kidnap her, then take her somewhere and wear her down until she admitted that she still loved him more than she feared him. It wasn’t like Shawn to keep quiet for this long and he was surprised that his friend hadn’t tried talking to him yet. But the only time Shawn had said a word was to ask Gary if he wanted to stop and get something to eat. Other than that he had been just driving and periodically changing the radio stations without comment. “Lizzie and I are seeing each other.” Gary nearly jumped out of his skin when Shawn spoke. Then what Shawn had said hit him. “What?” Gary asked, shocked. “When did this happen?” “Well, I guess technically we aren’t dating since we live in two different states.” Shawn reached up and scratched the back of his neck. Gary had never seen his crew chief look so nervous. “‘Technically’ then, what are you doing?” Gary watched the color seep up Shawn’s neck. “Uh huh,” Gary commented knowingly. “It’s not like that,” Shawn denied a little too fast. Gary didn’t know what to think about this bit of news. The whole weekend had been a whole series of shocks and just when he had thought he was at his limit and nothing could surprise him anymore, another one came. As happy as he was that Shawn had found somebody, he wasn’t sure how he felt about the fact it was Lizzie. He liked Lizzie, but this just guaranteed that Pam would be in his life that much more. But he tried for Shawn’s sake to sound normal when he asked, “So, is it serious?” Shawn was quiet as he navigated the car around a tractor trailer going slow in the left lane. “I think so.” He didn’t say anything for a moment before continuing, “You know, Gary, she doesn’t even seem to notice my ugly face or the fact that I’m like a foot taller than she is. She just likes me for me.”

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On the Run Gary thought that it was about time, too. He’d always thought it was shame that most women only looked at Shawn’s exterior and never saw the nice guy beneath it. His opinion of Lizzie, already high, rose up a couple of notches. In his current mood he wanted to think that Pam wouldn’t be the same way but realized that Pam had never noticed Shawn’s looks, either. She had always just treated Shawn like a big teddy bear. The only person Pam was scared of, he thought bitterly, was him. He forced his attention back to Shawn. “Of course she likes you for you. Who wouldn’t?” Gary could tell that made Shawn uncomfortable, so he added, “What did you do? Put a bag over her head?” Shawn threw back his head and let out a deep laugh. “Yeah, man. That’s it.” He shook his head, then looked at Gary out of the corner of his eye. “I admit that I was tempted to a couple of times, but she just kept looking at me. You know? I mean really looking at me. And I could tell that she didn’t see what I see in the mirror. She saw the real me.” His eyes stared straight ahead as his voice lowered and deepened. “I’m just a lucky man.” Gary cleared his throat, feeling uncomfortable and more than a little jealous. “Yeah,” he said, his voice gravelly. “You are.” Gary stared blindly out the window and wondered why he couldn’t be that lucky. ~ Time seemed to go by in a haze for Pam. Christmas was coming and Nathan could hardly hold still, his anticipation was so high. He had asked so many times how many days it was to Christmas that Pam had to finally buy an advent calendar so that he could keep track himself. He had written his Christmas list for Santa, and Pam promised she would send it immediately. She knew the baby was growing because she could no longer button her pants. She also knew she would have to tell her work soon, but she wasn’t looking forward to the

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Melanie Anderson questions she would get. They had been so sympathetic after the attack and had been upset when she had come back the Wednesday afterwards. Everyone that is, except for her evil boss. Lizzie called her everyday, worried and concerned. That’s how Pam had found out about her relationship with Shawn and she was happy, but she still had to tease Lizzie about it, saying that she had already known during that awful weekend. “It was so obvious you guys were involved.” She had told Lizzie on the phone. “He was always undressing you with his eyes.” “Nuh huh.” Lizzie had said, sounding like they were still in junior high. “He did not.” “He did, too,” Pam had said back, sounding just as mature. “Well,” Lizzie had finally said, “I don’t know if he was, but I probably was.” She giggled over the phone. “He is awesome in bed.” “Lizzie,” Pam had exclaimed in shock. “I really don’t want to know about this.” “Really?” Lizzie had obviously enjoyed turning the tables on Pam. “But I didn’t even tell you how long his—” “Bye,” Pam had interrupted quickly. “I’ve got to go.” She had hung up on Lizzie’s laughter. Now it was the weekend, two weeks after the attack, and Pam was sitting on the couch watching television. Nathan had gone to the neighbor’s house to play with his friend, Tyler, and Pam welcomed a quiet moment to herself. Thoughts of what she should do about Gary had been plaguing her the whole time. All she wanted to do was go back to him, but she still felt she was less than she could be as a person. The phone ringing interrupted her from her thoughts. She slowly got up and grabbed the cordless. “Hello?” “Hey, it’s me.” It was Lizzie. “What’s up?”

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On the Run “Do you want to go shopping?” “I don’t know.” Pam ran a hand through her hair. “Nathan’s at the neighbor’s and he might need to be picked up soon.” “Can’t you ask them to watch him for a few more hours?” Lizzie asked. “We don’t have to go long. I know your ankle still bothers you.” The doctor had taken Pam’s ankle cast off, but it still bothered her if she walked on it for too long. “I don’t know,” she said slowly, reluctant to go anywhere. “I bet you haven’t even started shopping yet,” Lizzie accused. Pam couldn’t help feeling guilty, because it was true. She had thought about it, but hadn’t worked up enough energy to do it yet. She knew Christmas was coming in a couple weeks, but the thought of dealing with the crowds was too much. “Look,” Lizzie continued. “If you get tired, we’ll stop and I’ll even treat you to lunch.” It was only about ten in the morning. “Okay,” Pam finally agreed. Ever since she had become pregnant, she found she couldn’t turn down any offer of food. “But let me just call the neighbor and make sure it’s alright for Nathan to stay for a couple of hours.” “Cool.” Lizzie said, “I’m going to leave now.” “But what if he can’t stay?” “Then we will just hang out. I haven’t seen you in awhile.” “Yeah, in about a week,” Pam said dryly. “Stop being a bitch,” Lizzie said in a cheery voice. “You need company. You sound like you have PMS, and I know that’s impossible, so I’m coming over no matter what. I’ll cheer you up, even if I have to wrestle you down and tickle you until you start laughing.” “Now, that’s mature,” Pam commented sarcastically. “Bye.” Lizzie said in a loud voice and disconnected the call. Pam looked at the phone and couldn’t help but

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Melanie Anderson laugh. Lizzie knew her too well. She had been feeling bitchy, which was one of the reasons she had sent Nathan to the neighbors. Forty-five minutes later and Lizzie was pulling into the driveway. Pam had called the neighbors and they had been more than happy to keep Nathan. When she had tried to thank Tyler’s mother Debbie, she had blown Pam off by saying, “I know what you have been going though and you need to get out. Don’t even worry about it. In fact, Nathan could even stay the night if he wants to. Just go.” Pam wasn’t sure how she felt about the fact that everyone seemed to think she needed to get out of the house so much. She must seem really pathetic to these people and had better cheer up before somebody committed her. She hadn’t heard from Gary except for his weekly calls to Nathan, which, in a cowardly move on her part, she had asked Nathan to answer himself. She felt stupid, but she wasn’t sure she could even hear his voice and trust herself not to start babbling or begging. So yes, maybe she had been a little upset and moody lately. Nevertheless, she hadn’t thought anyone had noticed. Now it was obvious she was wrong. Pam walked out the door and waited for Lizzie to pull up in front of her. When she had, she rolled down her window, pulled down her sunglasses, and looked Pam up and down saying, “Well, honey, are you ready for our date?” Pam crossed her arms over her stomach, her lips pouting. “Do I get ice cream?” Lizzie revved the engine of her Toyota Corolla and rolled her eyes. “Okay, I’ll get you some ice cream. Just get in the f-ing car.” Pam broke her pose and started laughing. “You are crazy,” she told Lizzie as she got in the car. “Me?” Lizzie asked incredulously. “You’re the one who wouldn’t agree to go until I offered food.”

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On the Run Pam pouted. “Well, I’m hungry,” she joked, pulling her seatbelt down and over. Lizzie put the car in gear, then looked over her shoulder to back up and turn around. “Well, I’ll forgive you since I know it’s the baby talking.” Pam instantly sobered up at the mention of the baby. Her denial had been so complete that there were times she had been taken aback when someone mentioned it. It was just that so few people knew about it and most of them, her parents included, hardly asked her about it. Lizzie was quiet for about ten minutes and then said softly, “Gary asks Shawn about the baby all the time.” Pam just stared straight ahead, ignoring the sympathy in Lizzie’s eyes. “I guess he knows about you and Shawn, too.” “Don’t change the subject, Pam.” “What are you talking about?” Pam feigned innocence. “Gary and the baby were the subject.” Lizzie brushed her hair back, obviously agitated. “You know that it is Gary’s baby, right?” “Lizzie,” Pam was starting to get annoyed. “I don’t know why you are trying to pick a fight with me. Obviously I know it’s Gary’s baby. I mean, even if I wanted to forget, I couldn’t.” She stopped when she realized her voice was growing increasingly louder. “Look, I thought we were going shopping. You know… Get me out of the house, break me from this bad mood.” She turned to Lizzie and tried to smile. “Please don’t bring this up right now,” she begged. “Maybe later, but right now I just don’t want to talk about it.” Pam watched as Lizzie took a deep breath, then finally blew it out with a sigh and turned to smile at Pam. “I’m sorry, honey. I know the timing was bad. It’s just that Shawn and I worry about you both so much.” “I really appreciate it, but don’t worry about me right now. I’m going to work this out. I promise. I’m just trying to get through Christmas first.”

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Melanie Anderson Lizzie sighed again. “Okay, I’ll let it go for now.” She reached for Pam’s hand, holding it loosely between the two seats, “But, honey, don’t wait too long. Life can be so short.” ~ Gary sat in his recliner in front of the television. The same place he had been ever since the fateful weekend he was still trying to forget. Between his surly attitude and bouts of drunkenness, even Anne had given up on him. Time meant nothing anymore. The only reason he even knew Christmas was near was because of the undecorated tree in the corner and the enthusiasm in Nathan’s voice when they talked on the phone. He had learned from the phone messages Anne pinned to his shirt when he had passed out that his sponsors and car owners were trying to get in touch with him, but he didn’t care. He didn’t care about anything anymore. It was really sad, because once he had thought he had everything, but not anymore. Taking another swig from his beer bottle, he started flipping though the channels, not caring what he watched, but just trying to do something, anything to keep Pam’s ghost from haunting his memories. In his sober moments he had come to realize that even when they were divorced, he had always believed they would get back together again. The other realization, the one that kept him drunk, was that if being pregnant with his child didn’t bring them back together again, then nothing would. And that is why he sat in his chair, drunk, not caring about anything and that included racing. He didn’t know when Pam had become more important than racing a car, but realized it was probably the day he had met her. The years in between had just been a lot of waiting for her to come to her senses with racing just a distraction. Running a hand though his hair, he wondered idly when the last time he took a shower was. Sometimes he even remembered to get up and go to his bed, but more

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On the Run than likely he just passed out in his chair. Once in awhile he would find a plate of food in front of the door, or Anne would just throw stuff in his lap and walk back out of the room in her permanent huff. Luckily his assistant paid her salary or else she would have probably quit weeks ago, and he knew he still needed her because Nathan would be coming soon for Christmas. He would have to sober up before then and he was really dreading the thought. In fact, he was planning on quitting today before he really became an alcoholic. It went against everything inside him to rely on a crutch to get though any crisis. He had allowed himself this period of mourning, but it was now coming to an end. Time to get on with life, however grim that prospect seemed. Gary was interrupted from his musing when he heard loud voices coming from the hall. The house had been as silent as a tomb for weeks, and Gary was disgruntled by this new development. He bellowed behind his shoulder, “What the hell is going on out there?” “I’m telling you, Mr. Lawson, it’s useless and I don’t think he will want to see you…” Gary could hear Anne talking quickly, her voice coming closer to his study. “He will see me,” was the grim reply to Anne’s statement. It was Shawn. Gary looked around for a way of escape, but by then it was too late. “Well, isn’t this pathetic?” Shawn said, filling up the doorway. “Save it.” Gary said, “I’m not in the mood.” “I bet you aren’t.” Shawn said, moving clothes and stuff from the sofa and sitting down. “Sitting here getting drunk and living in filth. I don’t blame you for not wanting anyone to interrupt that.” His voice was dripping sarcasm. Gary just shrugged. He did feel a little shame, having Shawn see him like this, but he wasn’t going to admit it. “Tyler’s worried about you and the sponsors are thinking about pulling out. They think you’ve lost your cool. They’ve been waiting for you to test these cars. I

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Melanie Anderson keep giving them excuses, saying how you’re still not feeling up to your old self, but they aren’t going to be put off much longer.” Gary was sheepish, feeling guilty for what he was putting Shawn through. It wasn’t Shawn’s fault he was a loser. “I’ll talk to them.” “And say what?” Shawn asked, looking at Gary with confusion in his eyes. “What is going on with you? I’ve never seen you like this before.” “I’ve been going through a lot, Shawn. I just decided that it wasn’t even worth dealing with anymore, you know? Pam doesn’t want me and she’s having my baby. What else is there?” Shawn made a disgusted noise. “Shit, man. That isn’t worth giving up racing for. You guys can work this out. Both of you have been going through a lot of shit and neither one of you has been thinking straight. You just got to give it time.” Gary shrugged again. He used to believe that life was that easy, and that the guy always got the girl in the end, but he was starting to have his doubts. He picked up his beer bottle, went to take a drink, then changed his mind and threw it against the fireplace instead. The bottle hit hard and the sound of glass breaking was deafening in the silent room. Gary shot out of his chair, furious that Shawn had started to make him feel again. “Fuck,” he muttered. Shawn, who was watching him from the couch, said in a quiet voice, “You’ve got to get on with it, man.” Gary stood at the fireplace with his hands covering his face, then, rubbing his hands up through his hair, whispered, “How?” “Just one day at a time, man. Starting today. It’s time to join the land of the living.” Gary gave a disgusted sigh. “Fine. I’m going to take a shower.” He felt defeated by his emotions, and the guilt of what Shawn had been saying. No matter what he was been

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On the Run going through, he had an obligation to the people who had believed in him for so long. “Good,” Shawn said, “and when you get back down I have some good news to tell you.” “I can’t wait.” Gary said grimly, walking out of the room.

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Chapter 25 Pam stood at a rack of clothes, staring blankly at a hideous purple sweater. Lizzie was in the next row tearing through the clothes and periodically asking Pam’s opinion. Pam hated to shop, especially for clothes. Everything looked awful to her and she could never find anything that would look good on her. “I thought we were shopping for Christmas, not for ourselves.” Pam said loudly. “Why are we looking at clothes?” “There’s always time to shop for yourself,” Lizzie said breezily. “Plus you need to start looking for bigger clothes. Don’t think I didn’t notice your pants aren’t buttoned.” Pam quickly looked down at her jeans, but her sweater still covered up the evidence. “I was going to wait a little while longer,” she said, defensive. “I don’t think I need maternity clothes yet, Lizzie.” “Maybe not. But what do you plan on doing? You going to wear your pants until you pop out of them?” Lizzie looked up. “Stop pretending like you aren’t really pregnant. Refusing to buy new clothes isn’t going to make it go away.” “Fine,” Pam muttered. She walked over to the racks of pants, trying to decide on a size. She had always worn an eight and now she was probably a ten. She realized it didn’t make sense to buy one size bigger when she would have to buy maternity anyway. That decided, she walked over to the maternity clothes and quickly grew depressed. She put her hand against her stomach and sighed. “Bite the bullet,” Lizzie said from behind her. Pam hadn’t even heard her walk up. “I know, but they are just so…big.” Pam gazed mournfully at the big tops with the matching pants. They weren’t as bad as the maternity clothes she wore for Nathan, but they were just a little too cheery for Pam’s

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On the Run mood. These clothes invoked hope and excitement for a new life. “Just buy some pants, then. Your tops will be fine for a few more months. Just get a couple pairs of pants and then you can buy the shirts later.” Pam went ahead and bought two pairs of black slacks for work and a pair of jeans for the weekends. It hurt her heart to buy them but she did anyway. “Okay,” Lizzie said after they were done checking out. “Let’s go look at the toys.” Hours later they were both shopped out, so they stopped at the eatery in the mall and picked up some Chinese food. Finding a small table, they both put down their heavy packages in relief. Pam was starving and quickly went to work eating her sesame chicken. With the hole in her stomach filled, she sat back and sighed in relief. “Ah,” she sighed. “I feel a lot better now.” “I should hope so, I almost thought you were going to eat the plate,” Lizzie said, sipping her coffee. “Ha ha,” Pam replied dryly, wishing she wasn’t in a public place so that she could unzip her pants. “You’re just jealous because I can eat as much as I want and don’t have to worry about gaining weight.” “Speaking of children and stuff…” Lizzie let the rest of the comment drop off. Pam had been watching some children running around while their exhausted parents chased them and almost didn’t hear what Lizzie had said. “What?” she asked, pulling her attention back to Lizzie. “What about children and stuff?” “Well…” Lizzie said, looking sheepish. “I have some news…” Pam’s heart started beating faster. “Well? Don’t leave me hanging. Spit it out. You’re not pregnant, are you?” “No,” Lizzie denied in a loud voice. “Nothing like that.” “Okay?” Pam demanded, starting to get impatient. “What is it then?”

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Melanie Anderson Lizzie was playing with her fork, staring down at the table, her cheeks as red as her lipstick. “Shawn and I are getting married.” The words were mumbled and Pam could hardly hear her. “Married?” Pam asked. “Did you just say you were getting married?” “Yes.” Lizzie said, finally looking up, a smile as wide as the horizon was starting to cross her face. “Yes, I’m getting married.” “Oh, my God.” Pam squealed. “Oh my God.” She jumped up, ran around the table and pulled Lizzie out of her chair. They both started jumping up and down holding hands. People were staring at them, but Pam didn’t care. “I can’t believe it,” Pam stopped to catch her breath. “I’m so happy for you, Lizzie. I can’t believe it.” “You already said that,” Lizzie teased, tears starting to fall down her face. “I can’t believe it, either. He asked me last week when I went down to North Carolina for the day and I just started crying.” Lizzie was crying now. Pam could feel the tears start in her own eyes. “That is so awesome.” “I know,” Lizzie said, wiping her eyes with her napkins, then sat back down at the table. “I’m so happy.” Pam walked back to her own chair. She just stared at Lizzie for moments, the look of bliss on Lizzie’s face almost hurting Pam’s eyes. “I’m happy for you, too.” “But, Pam,” Lizzie said, “we are getting married on Christmas Eve.” She looked away. “We don’t want wait too long. I want you to be my maid of honor.” Pam was confused. “Christmas Eve? But what about Nathan? Where are you getting married?” Now Lizzie looked sheepish. “Well… We were hoping we could get married at your house, that way Nathan can be home for Christmas. It would be a simple service, just you and me and Nathan, my parents and the pastor from my church.”

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On the Run Pam smiled. “That would be perfect. I would be honored to have your wedding at my house.” Lizzie looked relieved. “Oh, thank you, Pam. But…” “Now what?” Pam joked. “Shawn wants Gary to be his best man. In fact, he was going to ask him today.” Pam’s heart stopped. She hadn’t even thought of that, but of course Shawn would want Gary to be his best man, there was really nothing she could do about that. They were best friends. “That’s okay,” she said doubtfully, “as long as it’s okay with Gary.” Lizzie grabbed Pam’s hand and held it tightly. “I know it will be hard on you, but it might be for the best. You both have a lot of leftover business to go through.” Pam shrugged. “Whatever. I just want you to be happy, and if that means I have to see Gary, then that is what I have to do.” Lizzie let go of Pam’s hand and patted it. “That’s a good sport. I just want you to be there for my big day.” Pam squared her shoulders and took a deep breath. “Okay, so what do we need to do?” Lizzie smiled. ~ After his shower, Gary walked out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. The hot water had sobered him up considerably and he was starting to feel human again. If that was a good thing, he wasn’t sure, but he did feel his mood go up about two notches. He wondered what Shawn’s news was and if it had anything to do with him. Hopefully not, since he didn’t think he could muster up any enthusiasm for anything. A couple minutes later he was walking back down the steps. Anne was walking past the stairway at the same time he was coming down. She looked up at him and made a humph noise in his direction. “About damn time,” she grumbled, then kept walking.

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Melanie Anderson Gary couldn’t help grinning at her comment as he walked back to his study where Shawn was drinking a soda and watching college football on TV. He avoided his chair, which was starting to look like it might be diseased, and sat in the loveseat across from Shawn. “So tell me,” he said, putting his hands on his thighs and waiting. “Okay,” Shawn said, using the remote to turn off the TV. “Lizzie and I are getting married.” Gary reared back in bald shock. “What?” “I know, man. It just blows your mind, doesn’t it? I just couldn’t stand the distance between us and hated us being apart all the time. So I did it. I asked her to marry me, and she said yes.” “Really?” Gary asked doubtfully, harassing Shawn. “And you are sure she said yes? And you didn’t have to drug her or anything?” Shawn just rolled his eyes. “No, that’s what you have to do. Unlike you, I can get my girls sober.” “Yeah, right,” Gary said and then smiled. “Seriously, dude, that’s great.” “There’s just one hitch.” Gary noticed that Shawn wouldn’t look at him in the eyes and dreaded what was going to come next. “Lizzie wants to have it at Pam’s house.” Gary had to take a deep breath. It was worse than he thought. “What?” “Yeah, she’s asking her today.” He finally looked at Gary. “See, we wanted to have it on Christmas Eve and we knew how important it was for Nathan to be home for Christmas, so that was the only compromise we could come up with.” Gary could see the logic in the plan, but it didn’t mean he had to like it. He stood up, walked over to the mantle, then leaned his elbow against it and ran his hand through his hair. “Are you sure it has to be Christmas Eve?” He knew the danger in getting married near a holiday.

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On the Run Shawn simply said, “That’s what we want.” Gary let out a deep sigh. “I don’t know, man.” Shawn flexed his shoulders. “I can’t do this without you there, otherwise it wouldn’t be right.” Gary realized he had been selfish, thinking only of his own feelings, and he knew he couldn’t let Shawn down. Even if it meant seeing Pam. “Okay, man. I’ll be there.” Shawn let out a big sigh of relief. “Cool.” Gary turned around and walked out of the room, knowing Shawn would understand that this took a lot of thinking about. He had never thought he would be walking voluntarily back into Pam’s house again. ~ Plans progressed steadily for Shawn and Lizzie’s wedding, and that combined with Pam’s job kept her plenty busy. Luckily she had already bought all her Christmas presents, and her parents were invited to Lizzie’s wedding, so she didn’t have to worry about having to drive to their house. Her sister and brother weren’t coming until Christmas, but she had already told her parents she wouldn’t be able to come over since Nathan liked to stay and play with his toys and Pam had to think of him first. There was no way she was putting him through that torture on Christmas. She didn’t even have to go to church, since there would be a Christmas service included in the wedding. Lizzie had called a million times, going over the details of the caterers and the decorations. They had decided to decorate the house themselves but caterers would take care of the food since neither one of them wanted to worry about preparing that much food in Pam’s kitchen. “What are we going to do about chairs?” Lizzie was asking Pam. They were sitting around Pam’s kitchen table with their notes spread out in front of them while Nathan was out in the living room playing with Ruffles and his

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Melanie Anderson rubber toy. It was a crisp December afternoon and the weather forecasters were calling for snow. “I guess we can rent some.” Pam said doubtfully. She wondered how she was going to fit all of these people in her house. “We will probably have to remove all my furniture.” “Sure we can. Maybe we can rent a storage unit for a month or something.” Lizzie looked at Pam. “Are you sure you are okay with this?” Pam stood up, walked over to the refrigerator and poured herself some juice. Lizzie was drinking coffee and Pam kept gazing at it longingly. “I’m fine with it, really I am. I’m just trying to think of how we are going to fit everybody.” “I’ll ask Shawn if he has any ideas.” Lizzie grabbed her cell phone and called Shawn. Pam just rolled her eyes. Lizzie had been finding excuses to call Shawn all day, making her think that both of their cell phone bills must be high. But she admired their relationship; not only were they lovers but they were also friends. “Hold on,” she heard Lizzie say to Shawn. She turned to Pam and handed her the phone. “Gary wants to talk to you.” Nothing Lizzie could’ve said to her could have stunned her more. “Huh?” “I said Gary wants to talk to you,” Lizzie said, her voice impatient. She was mouthing the words, “Talk to him.” Moving in slow motion as if she was in a trance, Pam took the phone from Lizzie. “H—hello,” she stuttered. “Hey.” Gary said. Neither one of them said anything else for seconds that felt like hours. “Hey,” Pam said. “How are you?” “Shitty.” He said matter-of-factly. “How ‘bout you?” “O—okay,” she stuttered. She had never stuttered in her life and knew it was the nerves that were doing it for her. She watched Lizzie roll her eyes. “What’s going on?”

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On the Run She heard Gary sigh. “I just wanted to see how you and Nate were doing. How the baby is.” “We’re all fine.” Pam started twirling her hair. “Do you want to talk to Nate?” Now Lizzie was shaking her head, obviously upset with Pam. Pam just made a face. She didn’t know what to say. “No,” Gary said. “I already talked to him the other day. I guess Shawn and Lizzie are all excited about their big day, huh?” “Oh, yeah,” Pam said, feeling a giggle escape. “It’s all Lizzie can talk about.” “Same with Shawn.” He paused. “It’s really good of you to let them have the wedding at the house.” Lizzie got up and poured herself another cup of coffee, and that’s when Pam realized she was holding her breath. She let it out with in a sigh. “It’s no problem. I would do anything for Lizzie.” She felt Lizzie’s hand on her shoulder and it gave her a sense of confidence she didn’t have. “Yeah, I guess you would.” What lay unspoken between them was that she wouldn’t do the same for Gary. Nobody said it, but Pam knew he thought it, too. “Well anyway…” Pam didn’t know what else to say. “I guess you’ll be making the trip up here soon, right? Where are you staying?” “Probably at a hotel with Shawn.” Pam had never heard him this uncommunicative in all the time she had known him, and she wondered why he wanted to talk to her if he didn’t have anything to say. “Okay then—” she started to say to get off the phone. “Wait—” he said, sounding more like his old self. “What?” she asked, fed up with the whole conversation. “We’re wasting Lizzie’s minutes.” “How are you really doing?” he asked softly. Pam looked at Lizzie who was watching Nathan in the living room, obviously trying to act like she wasn’t listening. She stood up and walked into the back dining

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Melanie Anderson room and over to the window, watching as the snowflakes starting to fall. “I’m fine, just tired,” she said just as softly as Gary did. “I worry about you,” he said in a gruff voice. “Just you and Nathan living alone and with you being pregnant, too.” This was the first time in what felt like forever that she had heard such emotion in his voice. It tore at Pam’s heart. “Don’t worry about us. We’re doing fine. People are always looking out for me and I don’t have to worry about Tom now that he’s in jail.” “I know,” he said then added, “That bastard.” “Gary—” She started. “I’m sorry about some of the things I said the last time you were here. A lot of it was just the emotional backlash of being attacked and I would like the chance to talk to you again.” He didn’t say anything for a moment, the only sound the faint static of the cell phone. “We can do that after Lizzie and Shawn’s wedding.” She sighed in relief. “Great. I have some things I want to talk to you about.” “Me, too.” They were both silent for a couple minutes, than he finally said, “I’d guess I’d better go.” “Yeah, me, too,” She said. “I’ll see you in a week.” “Okay.” “Okay,” she said. It reminded Pam of when they were dating and didn’t want to get off the phone. It gave her hope when she thought there was none. “Bye,” he whispered. “Bye,” she murmured back. She pushed the off button on the phone and held it in her hands for a minute, lost in thought. Lizzie walked up behind her. “Well? What did he say?” “I don’t know. He just wanted to know how I doing and said he was worried about me.” She turned around and smiled, “He was worried about me.”

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On the Run Then they were both smiling and hugging each other. “I told you he still loved you,” Lizzie said. “You should trust me more.” “Lizzie you are a genius.” Pam sobered. “But what if it doesn’t mean anything? What if…” “What if the world is really flat?” Lizzie shook her head. “Really, Pam, you need to stop worrying all the time. I’m getting married in a week and you get to talk to Gary again. What is there to complain about?” “You’re right.” Pam said, “I’ve got to stop taking everything so seriously. I’ve got to find a dress to wear.” “That’s the spirit.” Lizzie said. “Worry about your dress. You are going to look beautiful and Gary’s going to fall down on his knees and beg you to come back with him.” Pam couldn’t stop the giggle from escaping. “You are so silly, Lizzie, a dress isn’t going to solve all of our problems.” “Well, it couldn’t hurt.” Lizzie held Pam at arm length. “Pam, I think pregnancy is really agreeing with you. Your face is starting to fill out; you don’t look as gaunt as you used to. And you haven’t had a panic attack in months. Maybe you should stay pregnant.” “Yeah, okay.” Pam said, rolling her eyes. “I’m going to get knocked up every other month. That will work.”

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Chapter 26 Two days before Lizzie’s wedding, Pam was sitting in her bedroom, staring at her dress. She had to admit it was a beautiful dress, hunter green with spaghetti straps and a full skirt that covered up her little belly. It had rhinestones around the square neckline and a wrap that would do nothing against the cold but was pretty anyway. The thought of Lizzie getting married made her want to cry. Suddenly she felt a sharp pain in her arm. Rubbing it vigorously she realized she was about to have a full-blown panic attack unless she stopped it. “Not now, not now,” She muttered out loud. It was impossible to think she was actually having an attack after going so long without one. She knew she was under a lot of stress, but it was nothing like she had before. She got off the bed and started pacing back and forth across the bedroom, still rubbing her arm. “Please stop,” she repeated over and over again like a prayer. The colors in her rooms started to turn surrealistic like a bad painting. Dizziness was threatening to overtake her senses. “Damn.” She was really having a hard time controlling this one and couldn’t take any kind of medication to stop it. She walked over to the phone and picked it up. She thought about calling her therapist but wasn’t sure if she should or not since she hated to interrupt anyone at home, especially this close to the holidays. Lizzie was at her parents’ house, finalizing the arrangements for the wedding. She finally dialed the only other number she could think of in a crisis and waited. “Hello?” “Gary.” She said, taking a deep breath. Her heart was beating rapidly and she felt like there was a hundredpound weight pressing down on her chest. “Pam?” Gary’s voice sounded unsure.

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On the Run “Yes. It’s me.” Pam felt better just hearing his voice. “What’s wrong?” There was apprehension in Gary’s voice. He always knew when there was something wrong with her. She had never been able to fool him, and that was how she had known that hiding the attacks would have been impossible during their marriage. “I—I…” It was harder than she thought to tell him. “I’m having a…a panic…attack…” Her teeth were starting to chatter and getting words out was close to impossible. “Shit,” he grounded out. “How bad is it?” “Oh, pretty bad,” she said shakily; her voice held a false brightness she didn’t feel. “I—I c—can’t t—take any medicine.” “Poor baby,” he crooned. “I’m sorry. Can you call the doctor or anything?” “I—I thought about that.” She had her head between her legs, which made her voice sound muffled. “I don’t know if I should.” “That’s okay, sweetie. We’ll get you through this.” There was silence over the line for a couple of minutes, then he said, “Okay, let’s try this. I’ll tell you about my day.” He cleared his throat. “Shawn must have called me a hundred times today from the time I woke up, asking the same thing. ‘Do you have the rings?’ ‘Don’t forgot the rings.’ After about the fiftieth phone call, I had to say, ‘Dude, I won’t forget the rings’.” She huffed out something that closely resembled a laugh. His voice was helping the panic back off and she managed to lie back in the bed and close her eyes. “Really?” He chuckled. “Yeah. So tonight I called him up and acted all worried, asking him, ‘Shawn where are the rings? I can’t find the rings’.” This time her laugh sounded a little more human. “You didn’t!” she exclaimed, outraged. “Gary. You are mean.”

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Melanie Anderson He laughed this time. “Yes, I did, but before I could say I was kidding he had hung up. I tried to call him back on his cell but he wasn’t answering. Then guess what happened?” She had a pretty good idea but still asked, “What?” “He showed up at my house. He had on a pair of sweatpants and no shirt. Just a jacket. One yellow sock and one blue.” Gary’s voice was filled with disbelief. She started laughing and then realized that most of the symptoms were gone. She still felt shaky and tired, yes, but the room was in focus and her arm wasn’t hurting. She rolled over on her side and closed her eyes, a feeling of regret enveloped her when she realized that all along Gary could have been helping her and instead she had pushed him away. Gary must have sensed her change of mood. “How are you doing now?” His voice was gentle and Pam felt close to tears. “Better, I’m better, but now I feel like a fool.” “Why?” “Because you are so good for me and I just let you go.” There was a long pause with nobody saying anything, then he sighed deeply. “Pam, I don’t know what to say.” “I know and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything; I probably shouldn’t have even called. It’s not fair to you.” “No, Pam, don’t say that. You should never feel sorry for that. I want you to call me when you’re in pain or upset and that’s the point. You should never feel scared to call me. Do you understand now?” “Yes,” She had to admit. “I understand, but Gary, I just don’t think I’m well enough for you. There is something wrong with me. I just don’t know if I can be who you think I am.” “Honey, you don’t understand, then. You have always been everything I wanted. I don’t care if you have three arms or two heads. I didn’t marry you because I thought

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On the Run you were perfect, I married you because I love you.” His voice was gentle but a little impatient. Pam realized he had said this before; the only problem had been her. “I’d better go,” she said. “I don’t think we are going to solve anything over the phone, and I’d rather talk about all this in person. I really appreciate you helping me tonight. It really helped.” He sighed again. “I wish we could get past all this, Pam. For our sake and for the children’s sake.” “I know,” Pam said, “And I want to get past it too. Let’s just talk when you get here.” “You’re right,” he said reluctantly. “Talking on the phone isn’t the same as in person.” When Pam saw Gary next, she didn’t plan on them having the same arguments they always seemed to have. This time she really wanted to work through it without the trauma or accusations that always seemed to come up between them. “I’ve got to go.” Drowsiness, the usual aftermath of her panic attacks, was starting to seep through her bones. “I’m sleepy.” His voice was as rough as sandpaper. “Okay, honey. Sleep well.” “I will.” She mumbled. She thought she heard him say, ‘I love you,’ but she wasn’t sure since it took all she had just to turn the phone off before she fell asleep. ~ Gary hung up the phone and stood up. Before she had called, he had been sitting at his desk looking through correspondence regarding the new racing season. Getting her phone call out of the blue like that had been a shock and he didn’t know what to think about it. Now he knew what it was like when she got panic attacks, and it rocked his soul. Her voice at the beginning of the phone call had been so weak and thin he had barely been able to hear her. What was this doing to the baby? What caused them? He had so many questions, but knew that asking her in the

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Melanie Anderson middle of an attack would be asinine. He wished she had just shared it with him all along so that all these years of bitterness and anguish could have been avoided. He rubbed his hands though his hair as he prowled around his office, his thoughts a jumbled mess. He wished he could go to Virginia, right now, right this minute, and take care of Pam. Her damned independence had always driven him crazy. “Fuck,” he muttered and sat back in the chair. There wasn’t a damn thing he could do about her at the moment. He would be there soon enough in person. That is, if Shawn actually made it to the wedding. The man was driving him out of his mind with all his worrying and panic over the whole wedding. He had to admit it was a refreshing change to see someone so full of hope for a new beginning. That was all Gary wanted a new beginning. On top of that, he had to worry about a new racing season as well. He didn’t have much time left until he had to start testing the car and Tyler was getting anxious, but Gary’s heart just wasn’t into it. Not while he was still waging an ongoing battle with his depression, and the urge to just give in and drink his problems away was still strong. It still took everything he had just to get up in the morning and go about living. Anne and Carlo seemed relieved to see him up and about, but they still kept their distance. He knew that they were aware of the fact he stayed up late at night staring at the blank TV screen, trying to still his restless mind and sleep. The only benefit of the insomnia, if one could call it a benefit, was that he was awake when Shawn called in the middle of the night about some detail he forgot. He put back on his reading glasses that he detested with a passion and went back to sorting through his mail. ~ Pam woke up with a headache that strongly resembled a hangover. Glancing at the clock, she cursed. She was going to be late for work if she didn’t get up immediately.

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On the Run Shaking off the drowsiness, she dragged her body out of the bed and stumbled to the bathroom. She had just turned on the light when it hit her. She had called Gary last night. It all felt like a dream, but she knew without a doubt that it wasn’t. “Oh, God,” she muttered. Hiding her head in her hands, she sat on the closed toilet and groaned. Why me? She thought. What was he going to think of me? She had treated the man like shit for months and then used him for her own means. She shook her head and stood up. Pushing the toilet lid up, she took care of business since her current condition wasn’t going to let her wait while she worried. Walking backing into her room, she crossed over to her closet, leaned in and just stared. She had only one good pair of pants, black, of course, and now she only had to decide what top to wear. Even a small decision like that seemed to tax her brain this morning. Pulling out anything, she grabbed her clothes and walked back into the bathroom and turned on the shower. The shower was usually the best place for her to think, but it wasn’t working this morning. She still had to wake up Nathan and take him to the babysitter. She had a temporary babysitter, a friend of Lizzie’s, since Nathan’s school vacation had already started. This was the last day at work before she took off for a week, too. She had known she would need a vacation after the event that was going to be Lizzie’s wedding. Turning off the water, she stepped out and grabbed a towel. Her mind went back to the panic attack she had the night before. What had triggered it? Maybe it really was an uncontrollable phenomenon that she would never be able to control. She remembered a card that Dr. Evans had handed her during one of her sessions. On it was the number of a support group for people with anxiety attacks. She decided that she would call later and find out when their next meeting was. It would be comforting to meet other people like her. Despite the support she received

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Melanie Anderson from Lizzie, she couldn’t truly understand what it was really like during the attacks. Shrugging off all these thoughts, she went to wake up the one bright spot in her otherwise chaotic life and that was Nathan. Her shiny star. How one boy could end up so smart and well adjusted from such a crazy mother, she would never understand. ~ The candles were lit all though the house, reflecting light off the multi-colored lights on Pam’s Christmas trees, creating a kaleidoscope of color. The fireplace mantle held the candles that Shawn and Lizzie would light after they were pronounced man and wife. Holly trees were at the entrance to the living room in pots that were decorated in green and red. Poinsettias were placed all over the house in shades of scarlet and white. Pam wasn’t dressed yet, just checking on how the decorating was going. Lizzie was running around frantically showing her helpers, which consisted of younger clueless cousins, where everything should be placed. Pam’s house had been filled with people since dawn and she had a headache that wouldn’t quit. But it was a good headache since it was for Lizzie. There was nothing Pam wouldn’t do for Lizzie. She owed Lizzie her life. Lizzie passed Pam in another one of her sweeps of the living room and stopped. “Honey, are you okay?” Pam was touched that Lizzie could still detect when she wasn’t feeling well even in the midst of her important day. “I’m fine, Lizzie. Don’t worry about me. I guess I’m just feeling a little misty eyed thinking of you getting married.” Lizzie smiled her sweet smile and rubbed her finger on Pam’s cheek. “You sweetheart. I can’t believe you did this for me and in your condition. You are really too good for me.”

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On the Run “No, you are, Lizzie.” Pam smiled even as her eyes filled up with tears. “Let’s not start crying now. I’m sure there will be plenty of tears during the service. You just finish making sure everything down here is perfect so we can get upstairs and get you dressed.” Lizzie jumped. “Oh, you are right.” Her eyes started darting around frantically. “Where is Jules? Jules!” Lizzie called, walking away from Pam. Jules was one of Lizzie’s cousins, but Pam hadn’t had much of a chance to talk to her since Lizzie had been working them like soldiers and her the drill sergeant all day. Pam shook her head and went upstairs. ~ “Okay, do we have everything?” Shawn asked as he drove up 95 to Virginia. “Yes,” Gary said, biting back his impatience, “for the hundredth time. Yes. What are you so worried about? You’re just getting married.” “What?” Shawn asked, his eyes opened ridiculously wide. “What do mean ‘just getting married’? Man, this is the most important day of my life.” “That’s what you said to me.” Gary said with a smirk. “Huh?” Shawn shook his head. “What are you talk— Oh.” Gary nodded his head. “Yeah, oh. Don’t you remember when we were in Las Vegas? Do you remember your pep talk before we went into the chapel?” “No not really.” Shawn said, wrinkling his forehead. “But I don’t think I said…” “Yes, you did,” Gary interrupted. “You said, and I quote ‘Don’t worry about it, man. You’re only getting married. You’ll have plenty more.’ That’s what you said.” “Yeah, well, I didn’t mean it. You just looked so nervous. Sweating and stuff.” Shawn looked uncomfortable, running his hand though his hair, his eyes glued to the road.

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Melanie Anderson Gary laughed. “I know, man, that’s what I was trying to do. Distract you. You need to relax. Get nervous when you’re up there in front of family and friends saying your vows.” “Oh, God,” Shawn said, swallowing hard, causing Gary to laugh harder. “I don’t think I can get through it, Gar.” “Oh, yes, you can,” Gary said, sobering up immediately. “If I could do it, you can, too.” His mind turned inward. “Hopefully yours will end up better than mine did.” “Hey, man. I’m sorry, I didn’t even think about how hard this would be on you.” Shawn’s face turned down and crinkled in regret. Gary immediately felt guilty. “No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up today. I’m sorry for ruining your day.” Shawn turned to Gary with a disappointed look on his face. “Man, don’t you say that. This is Shawn, your buddy. You can talk about anything and you know you can’t ruin it for me. I know where you are coming from. Remember? I was there after your divorce. I remember how hurt you were and mad. Boy, were you mad.” Gary remembered, too. “Yeah, I remember,” he said dryly. “How many guys did I beat up at that bar?” “I don’t know. But if you want me to find that newspaper article, I could. It told the number of people you beat up and their names. ‘Good old boy, Gary Foster, goes back to his roots, showing the patrons of Sally’s Bar and Grill what an old fashioned ass-whooping feels like’,” Shawn quoted. Even though it had been horrific time in his life, Gary couldn’t help but join in Shawn’s laughter. That article had created quite a scandal for the SCRL, generating a lot of bad publicity that all the press agents had worked furiously to clean up. At the time Gary hadn’t cared. All that mattered was the fact that his whole life had just come to

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On the Run an end and even racing didn’t mean shit to him. Shawn was the only one who could get near him in those days and it was Shawn who had told Gary to go back to racing to prove to Pam he could live without her. But it had never been the same. “Shawn,” Gary said, once again turning serious. “You will be fine, and so will I.” “I know,” Shawn said, his voice rising. “But, man, I’m getting fucking married.” He rolled down the window and yelled, “I’m getting married.” He smashed his hand on the horn, blowing it furiously, causing drivers to slow down and give them nervous glances. Gary threw back his head and roared with laughter. Deciding to join in on the fun, Gary rolled down his window, then yelled at an elderly lady who kept glancing over. “He’s getting married,” he shouted, pointing at Shawn. The elderly lady put her nose in the air and very calmly flipped them the bird. ~ “Where are they?” Lizzie asked, standing at the window in Pam’s room, staring out into the darkness. “They will be here,” Pam said calmly, struggling to take Lizzie’s dress out of the garment bag, “Now come over here and get your dress on.” “I will, but I’m worried.” Lizzie was wringing her hands, little lines showing up around her eyes. “Lizzie,” Pam said, trying to be patient, “You knew that they were going to change at your parents’ house and then drive your parents here. They aren’t even late yet.” “I don’t know,” Lizzie said, then started pacing, obviously forgetting about her dress. Pam let out a little sigh. Lizzie had been fine up until the moment all the decorating had been done and the caterers situated. Then she had become a bundle of nerves and it was up to Pam to make sure she was dressed and ready to walk down the aisle. The job was becoming increasingly difficult.

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Melanie Anderson “Please stop pacing, Lizzie, you’re making me dizzy. Come over here and put your dress on.” Lizzie didn’t seem to hear her, just continued to pace, mumbling to herself. “Fine.” Pam said, stomping over to the phone. She picked it up and dialed Gary’s cell phone number. “Hello.” Gary mumbled, obviously distracted. “Help. I have a basket case over here.” “You, too?” Gary chuckled. “I thought it was just me.” “Well, my basket case won’t get dressed because she thinks you guys aren’t coming.” Pam watched Lizzie wear her carpet out. “Well, she could be right. My basket case seems to be getting some cold feet.” “What?” Pam screeched. This can’t be happening, she thought to herself, then quickly glanced up, but Lizzie was still oblivious to everything, including Pam talking on the phone. “Oh, I know he still wants to get married; I just think he’s panicking.” Pam knew all about that. “I have an idea,” she told Gary. “Why don’t we let them talk to each other?” “Do you think that will work?” His voice was full of doubt. “What if they talk each other out of getting married?” “Do you have a better idea?” Pam asked, frustrated. “No.” He was silent for a moment “Well, I guess it’s worth a try.” “Trust me.” Her voice sounded a lot more confident than she felt. “It has to work.” “Okay, I’ll go get him.” Pam walked over and stood directly in Lizzie’s path. Lizzie tried to walk around her, but Pam was quicker. She sidestepped and grabbed Lizzie’s arm. “You have a phone call.” “What? What is it? Can’t you take care of it?” Lizzie’s voice sounded hysterical.

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On the Run Pam was really worried now; she had never seen Lizzie like this in her life. “No,” Pam said firmly. “I can’t take care of this one.” “Oh, Pam, I don’t know.” “Just take the phone call, Lizzie.” Pam’s voice was a little harsher than she had intended, but it seemed to do the trick, because after giving Pam a hurt look, she walked over to the phone and picked it up. “Hello?” Lizzie’s voice still sounded pitiful. “Oh, Shawn,” she gushed. “Oh, I miss you. How are you?” Lizzie was silent while Shawn responded. “Oh, Shawn, you should see the house, it’s beautiful…” Pam tuned out the rest of the conversation and walked over to Lizzie’s dress. Hanging it up, she stood back and smiled. It was really a beautiful dress and Lizzie was going to be breathtaking in it. It was white, of course, and very simple, an A-line dress with no sleeves. It also had no adornments, just a column of white, but Lizzie’s stunning good looks would be all the accessories it needed. “Knock, knock.” A voice came from the door that had been left cracked. “Come on in, Marie,” Pam called. Jack and Marie had come to be Shawn’s surrogate parents since Shawn’s parents had died when he was in his early twenties, his mom from breast cancer and his dad in a car accident. “We just got here.” Marie walked into the bedroom. “I brought up the flowers.” She looked over at Lizzie, who was still on the phone. “What is she doing? Why isn’t she dressed?” Pam rolled her eyes. “You don’t even want to know. Long story short, she was getting the last minute jitters, so I called Gary and had her talk to Shawn.” She walked over and took the florist boxes from Marie. “It was a nightmare. Gary said that Shawn was going through the same thing.” Marie smiled at Lizzie fondly. “Oh, everybody goes through that. Don’t you remember how you were? I didn’t think we were going to get you out of the hotel room.”

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Melanie Anderson “Don’t remind me,” Pam muttered. She could still remember her wedding like it was yesterday. She had been scared to death, and her mother had driven her crazy fussing over her dress and her makeup. Marie had been the only one who had been calm during the whole ordeal. Yet once she’d left the room and got to the chapel, she had been fine. Seeing Gary had got rid of all the nerves. Pam shook off the thoughts of Gary and their wedding. “Marie you look beautiful.” It was true; Marie was wearing a wrap around wool dress the color of cinnamon, with her hair swept up with tendrils hanging down and ruby earrings on her delicate ears. It was hard to guess by looking at her that she was a grandmother. “Thanks, sweetie. And you look…” She faded off. Pam looked down at herself and cringed. She had a faded green sweatsuit on with her little pouch of a stomach sticking out. Her hair was the only thing that looked good since they had gone to the hairdresser earlier that afternoon. It was in curls all around her face and she was hoping that with the pound of hairspray they had sprayed on it, it would hold up. “Oh, I haven’t put on my dress yet, either. I was trying to get Lizzie dressed first.” She touched her hair nervously. “Well let’s go ahead and get you dressed, then we will shanghai Lizzie off the phone so that Shawn can get here on time, what do you say?” “Oh, Marie, I’m so glad you are here.” She sat down heavily on her bed. “I was afraid I was going to make a mess of things. Marie sat down next to her on the bed and reached for Pam’s hand. “Honey, it will be okay, we will get everything done on time and it will be a beautiful wedding.” Pam sighed. “Okay, I’m ready.” She took a deep breath. “Let’s get this thing started.”

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Chapter 27 Shawn and Gary entered the house and were struck dumb by the changes. All of the furniture had been moved out and instead it was like a winter wonderland. There was a big tree in the foyer, decorated with white lights and bulbs of silver and white. Imitation snow was on the railings and in the corners of the room while holly trees stood by the entrance into the living room. Only once you walked in there, there was no furniture, either, just folding chairs decorated with sprigs of holly and sprays of baby’s breath. The doors to the dining room, which were hardly opened, were now rolled back and more chairs were set up in that room. On the back wall of the dining room, against the windows, was a wide table, with a big coffee-urn filled with hot cocoa, and pitchers of eggnog, and a punch bowl that held a spicy cider. Guests were mingling there, waiting for the service to begin. When Gary looked towards the fireplace, he noticed a huge Christmas tree which was not so much tall as it was wide. This tree had colored lights on it and homemade ornaments he recognized from his marriage to Pam. There were presents under it with tags that were made out to Nathan and various other members of the family including Gary. This was the family tree. The fireplace held two unlit candles and a bible. There was a table set up in front of the fireplace, which he assumed was where the service would be held. Shawn nudged him. “I’m going to find a place for Lizzie’s parents to sit. Why don’t you find out what we need to do.” Gary nodded and walked away, scanning the room as he went. He recognized many of the faces and others he didn’t. He assumed that they were relatives or friends of Lizzie’s. “Hey, you.” He turned around and his face broke into a huge smile.

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Melanie Anderson “Hey, Brenda.” Gary reached out and Brenda walked into his arms to give him a big hug. “We’ve missed you,” she said and laughed. “I’m so glad to see you.” Gary had always liked Brenda. She was one of the most down to earth friends of Pam’s. He also liked her husband Larry and they had even become friends, going to ball games together. After the divorce, one of the things that hurt the most was losing friends. “Where’s Larry?” he asked, looking around. “Oh, he’s around here somewhere, probably rounding up the kids. You know Casey, our daughter, is the flower girl. She’s so excited. And I think she has a crush on Nate, who has been hiding from her.” Brenda laughed again. “It’s so cute.” “Really? A crush, huh? Well, who can blame her? After all, he’s my son.” Brenda punched him lightly in the arm. “You are such a cad, but I forgive you, since I know it’s just an act.” She sobered up. “How are you doing?” Gary sighed. “I’m holding my own.” “Yeah, it’s rough.” Brenda looked around, a worried look on her face. “I just can’t believe what happened to Pam. And Tom. What an asshole. I hope they lock him up forever.” Gary’s face turned hard as granite. “If I have anything to do about it, they will.” Brenda looked regretful. “I’m sorry to bring it up today. It just still shakes me. I can’t believe how well Pammy is holding up. She was always stronger than she thought she was.” “I know. Now, if I could just persuade her of that fact, we’d be getting somewhere.” “Don’t give up on her.” Brenda said resolutely, looking him straight in the eyes. “I really think she’s getting closer to a breakthrough everyday. This therapy is

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On the Run helping her and I think she will come to find out that she needs you more than she knows.” “I hope you’re right. It’s getting harder and harder for me to be patient.” “Well, you hang in there, especially with this new baby on the way. Should I say congratulations?” “I guess.” Gary shrugged, then smiled. “It’s great to see you, Brenda. I hope we can all get together one of these days. Just like old times.” She smiled back. “I would like that.” She leaned forward and gave him a kiss on the check. “I’d better check on my kids. See you later.” “Bye.” He watched her walk away, turned around and saw his mother quickly walking over to him. “Mom.” “Gary. I’m so glad to see you. Everybody upstairs is a nervous wreck. They were afraid you guys weren’t going to show up.” She smiled and rolled her eyes. “It’s chaos.” “Yeah, I was going through something similar with Shawn. But we’re here now and ready to get this over with.” Marie lightly smacked Gary’s arm. “You shouldn’t talk like that. A wedding is a joyous occasion, and it’s Christmas Eve, a time of peace and goodwill.” “Sorry, Mom.” He looked sheepish. “I’m just worn out from having to talk Shawn down.” “I can understand that.” She patted his arm. “Now, go find your dad, he has your boutonnières. You guys need to get ready; the ceremony is going to start in about twenty minutes.” “Yes, ma’am.” Gary said, then saluted. “Smart ass,” she said affectionately just before he walked away. He looked around but didn’t see his dad, so he walked through the living room into the kitchen. If he thought the other rooms were chaotic, it was nothing compared to the kitchen. People he assumed were caterers, were walking back and forth, calling out orders and filling up platters

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Melanie Anderson with turkey, stuffing and little hors d’oeuvres consisting of meatballs and shrimp. His stomach rumbled at the aromas. “Out, out.” A stern looking man bore down on Gary, pushing him out of the kitchen. “You must get out of the kitchen.” “Chill out,” Gary said, letting the man push him out. “I was just looking for someone.” “Not in the kitchen.” The man retorted and walked back in. “Whatever.” Gary said to the thin air. The place was crazy; he didn’t even recognize it as Pam’s house. It was like an alternate universe. Just then he saw his dad motioning to him. “Thank God,” he said out loud. Maybe they could get this thing started sometime this year after all. ~ “I don’t know, Pam,” Lizzie sounded doubtful, standing in front of Pam’s full size mirror inspecting her reflection. First turning left, then right, her face screwed up in a skeptical look. “Are you sure I look all right?” Pam sniffed back the tears. “You look beautiful.” It was true. The white wool of the dress set off Lizzie’s golden skin and brought out the highlights in her blonde hair. The diamonds in her ears sparkled and the wool hat on top of her head look rakish and a little daring, just like Lizzie herself. “You are the loveliest bride I’ve ever seen.” Lizzie turned around and seemed to focus on Pam for the first time since they had come upstairs. “Why are you crying?” she asked, panicked. “I thought we agreed not to cry until after the ceremony. I can’t ruin my make up. Stop it right now.” “I know, I’m sorry.” Pam sobbed. “But you’re just so pretty.” Lizzie smiled affectionately. “You are a little crazy, aren’t you?” She sat down next to Pam. “Look at you, crying over a dress.”

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On the Run “Maybe it’s the hormones from the pregnancy.” Pam sniffed. “But you really are beautiful.” “So are you.” Lizzie touched Pam’s hand. “Go ahead and look at yourself in the mirror. You’re going to outshine me.” Pam gave Lizzie a skeptical look, but stood up anyway to look at herself in the mirror. The hunter green in the dress turned her eyes, glassy with tears, into a deep fernlike green. Her hair, newly highlighted with shades of chestnut and oak, curled around her face and seemed tame for the first time in recent memory. The full skirt hid her pregnancy, as intended, but couldn’t hide the faint roundness of her cheeks, which were red without the help of makeup. She looked healthy and fit. She blushed harder. “I look good,” she whispered, almost to herself. “You don’t look good,” Lizzie corrected her. “You look fabulous. Gary’s going to faint dead away when he sees you.” Even though it seemed impossible to Pam, her face turned a deeper shade of red. “I’m not trying to look good for him.” “Of course not,” Lizzie said. “But it’s not a bad idea. Knock his socks off. You know you haven’t looked your best the last few times you’ve seen him.” “Thanks, Lizzie,” Pam said dryly. “What would I do if you weren’t here to remind me?” Lizzie laughed, the tinkling sound making Pam laugh, too. “That’s what friends are for.” She looked Pam in the eye. “And you are my best friend. More like a sister to me.” “Stop it, Lizzie,” Pam protested. “You are going to make me cry again.” “It’s true.” Lizzie ran her hand down Pam’s face, smiling fondly at Pam. “You are so pretty. I just want you to be happy, too.” “I will be,” Pam said firmly. “Don’t worry about me. This is your day.”

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Melanie Anderson Brenda walked in just then with Marie. “Are you girls ready?” Brenda asked. “Everybody is waiting.” Lizzie took a deep breath and smiled. “I think I’m ready now.” Pam stood up and grabbed Lizzie’s hand. “Okay, then. Let’s do it.” Pam turned around to walk out the door and was surprised to see Marie standing there with her hands on her face and tears in her eyes. “Marie?” she asked tentatively. “Oh, honey, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to cry. It’s just that you look so pretty. Both of you do.” She delicately rubbed at her eyes. “Just ignore this sentimental old woman.” Brenda smiled. “You both do look beautiful.” She walked over and gave Lizzie a hug and then put her arm around Pam’s shoulders. “Now, enough tears, everyone. This is Lizzie’s big day and there is a man downstairs anxiously waiting for her.” “Oh, is he anxious, too?” Lizzie’s face lit up. “That’s so sweet.” She started walking out of the room. “Wait,” Pam called out then followed her. “It’s not time yet. You can’t go down before we do.” “Oh. Yeah. I’m just ready to get married,” she whined, starting to pace. “Well, I’m glad.” Pam said in a gentle voice. “But you still have to wait.” Brenda and Marie walked up to them. “We’re going downstairs,” Marie said. She kissed Pam’s cheek and then Lizzie’s. “Good luck,” she whispered and walked out of the room. Brenda came up and took both of their hands. “I’m so glad we’re here together and I’m so happy for you, Lizzie. Just think how different we are compared to ten years ago.” They all looked at each other and started laughing. “Oh, no. We’re civilized now,” Pam said. “Adults. When did that happen?”

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On the Run “Nobody said you had grown up yet, Pam. She was talking about me, right, Brenda?” Lizzie winked at Brenda. “That’s right. I didn’t mean you, Pam. We all know you are never going to grow up.” They both laughed at Pam’s crestfallen face. Pam tried to keep a serious face, but it was impossible, so she started laughing, too. “You guys are just too funny. Har har.” Her face turned serious. “Now I insist on a group hug.” She held out her arms and they all fell together in a big hug. When it was over they all turned away to hide the fact that they were all wiping away tears. ~ Gary walked over to talk to Shawn one last time before going to wait at the bottom of the steps to escort Pam into the living room. Lizzie’s father, Lou, was already sitting on a chair near the steps to escort Lizzie. “How you doin’, buddy?” Shawn was constantly pulling at his tie and his face glistened with sweat. “When’s this damn thing going to start?” “In about five minutes, man. Do you think you can hold up that long? Or should I stand behind you in case you faint?” Gary couldn’t resist giving Shawn shit. It was payback from his wedding. “Shut up.” Shawn locked his arm around Gary’s neck. “You’re not funny.” “Okay, man.” Gary said slowly, “I’m sorry, now let me go.” Everybody sitting in his or her seats was chuckling at the sight of the best man being put in a headlock by the groom. Flashes were going off all over the room. “All right, man. Let me go, you’re embarrassing yourself.” Shawn finally let go of Gary and he was able to straighten up. While smoothing down his tuxedo jacket and running a hand though his hair, Gary growled under his breath, “You’re lucky I don’t kick your ass right before your wedding.”

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Melanie Anderson “Yeah, right.” Shawn said, laughing for the first time, pushing Gary away from him. “I’d like to see you try.” Gary clapped his hand on Shawn’s shoulder, hard, and walked away. He knew Shawn was going to be okay. ~ Pam walked out of the room to strains of violins playing a haunting melody that she recognized from the Friends episode where Ross married Emily. She was sure the song had a title but she could only think of that particular show. She was holding a bouquet of red roses that smelled like heaven, and was cleverly arranged with pine branches. She felt a little dizzy by the amount of candles on the landing and down below. There were hundreds of candelabras holding pine scented candles, making the whole house smell like Christmas. They were the only lights on in the house, which gave the downstairs an ethereal glow. She walked over to the stairway and nearly stumbled. Gary was standing down below, wearing a black tux and looking more handsome than she had ever seen him. Even after these last couple months, it was still a shock to see how the years had treated him so well and gave him that aura of maturity that only enhanced his looks. The candle’s flicker picked up the gray in eyes that were staring straight up at her, hypnotizing her. It reminded her of the famous scene in Gone with the Wind when Rhett Butler stood at the bottom of the stairs while Scarlett came down. For a second she felt trapped in his gaze, but Lizzie interrupted the spell by hissing behind her, “Pam, go.” She quickly stepped down to the next step and looked away from Gary. Luckily she had worn slippers with no heels because otherwise she probably would have tripped. ~ Gary was stunned. He couldn’t remember ever seeing Pam this beautiful in his life. Pregnancy seemed to agree with her, because she was stunning. The mischief usually

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On the Run evident in her eyes was gone and instead he saw a maturity that he had never seen before. And her body… He couldn’t get over it. Her breasts were rounded, beguiling beneath her neckline and her face had filled up. She looked mysterious. She looked like a woman, so unlike the girlchild he had known. Her eyes looked like they held all the secrets in the world. Pam came down the steps, then made her way over to him so that he could hold his arm out for her to take. She thread her arm through his, looked straight into his eyes for the first time since she had come down the steps and then smiled. His heart went ka-thump and only one thought went through his mind. I’m in big trouble here. ~ Pam walked into the room on Gary’s arm, feeling like everything was just right, that this was how it should be. Her and Gary together all the time. She looked around at all of the guests, many of whom were holding tissues, then walked with Gary up to the minister, another one of Lizzie’s relatives, and gave him a smile. He smiled back as Pam and Gary separated, her going to the right and Gary to the left of Shawn. Next she watched as Casey walked down the aisle in her crimson velvet dress, holding a basket filled with rose petals, with Nathan following slowly behind her, wearing a miniature tuxedo, a twin of his father’s, holding the ring pillow. Every few feet Casey would stop, look behind her, and reach back to drag Nathan up next to her. Nathan would just jerk away and walk behind her again. The whole audience was laughing quietly, and Pam couldn’t prevent a small laugh from escaping herself. It didn’t look like they were ever going to make it down the aisle. Finally they did and Casey sat next to Brenda on the right side of the aisle and Nate sat next to Marie on the left side. Pam watched Casey blow Nathan a kiss and Nathan’s head duck away. She smiled fondly, thinking that girl was

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Melanie Anderson going to be a heartbreaker. She looked back at Nathan, who was blushing furiously, but her eyes left Nate’s when she heard the music change to the wedding march and everybody stood up. This was Pam’s favorite part. ~ Gary heard the wedding march but only had eyes for Pam. He watched as she dabbed her eyes with a tissue that she must’ve been hiding behind her bouquet, since Lord knows she didn’t have enough room in that dress for it. There was something about her tonight that reminded Gary of his own wedding to her so many years ago. It seemed the zest she had for life back then had been revitalized in her tonight. Shawn shifted, drawing Gary’s eyes from Pam and back to the aisle. That’s when he saw exactly what was making Shawn so restless. Lizzie was coming down the aisle, a stunning vision in white, so pure it almost made his eyes hurt, and her smile could have lit up the room by itself. Her dad, elderly and stooped over, even looked ecstatic, a twinkle in his eyes that reminded Gary of Lizzie. The minister asked who gave this woman to this man, and her father croaked out in a weak voice, that surprisingly still conveyed power, “Her mother and I do.” Lizzie leaned down and kissed her father on the cheek, whispering, “I love you, Daddy.” Gary could hear Pam sniffle from across the room. Lizzie walked up to her place next to Shawn, then smiled at him. Shawn swallowed nervously, and smiled back, looking a little pained. The audience tittered at Shawn’s obvious discomfort. He looked like he was facing the electric chair instead of marriage. The minister started talking and Gary zoned out. He tried not to stare at Pam but his eyes came back again and again. Once she looked up and saw him staring at her, but blushed and quickly looked away. When he realized he

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On the Run was making her uncomfortable, he forced himself to pay attention to the wedding ceremony. ~ Pam could feel Gary’s eyes burning a hole through her, her body alive like it hadn’t been in a very long time. She was hardly aware of what was going on around her. When the minister would say to pray, she’d lowered her head and sometimes she even remembered to bring it back up at the end. Every time she did, Gary’s eyes would zero in on hers, like gray lasers. She could feel cold sweat running down her back and she had to turn away to avoid any more eye contact. The minister was saying, “Now the bride and groom want to share special vows they wrote themselves.” Pam’s attention was transfixed, all thoughts of Gary forgotten in her anticipation. Lizzie had been very secretive about the vows she had written, refusing to share them with anyone, Pam included. Lizzie turned to Shawn with a blissful smile on her face. “I wish I could’ve fallen in love with you sooner so that so many years wouldn’t have been wasted looking for love. But now that I’ve found you, I’m never going to let go.” Pam could see Lizzie’s back rise and fall when she took a deep breath. “Of course, if it hadn’t been for our mutual friends here, we would never have gotten this close.” She smiled fondly at Gary and looked over her shoulder at Pam, who just smiled ruefully. Turning serious again, she looked back at Shawn. “You are the joy in my heart, the reason I live and hopefully, soon, you will be the father of my children, if God permits. I vow to be the best wife I can possibly be.” Pam felt the tears start all over again. “Do you have the ring?” the minister asked. Gary handed the ring to Lizzie. The minister then turned to Lizzie. “Please slide it on the groom’s finger and repeat after me.”

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Melanie Anderson “With this ring, I thee wed.” The minister continued with the traditional vows and Pam took that moment to wipe her eyes with the tissue. She looked at Gary through moist eyes and noticed that he didn’t look unaffected himself. He was rubbing his eye with the corner of his sleeve. Then it was Shawn’s turn to say his vows. First he had to clear his throat, loudly, and adjust his tie. When he began, his voice was raspy but loud enough to be heard all through the house. “Sometimes I think that it’s just a dream, you loving me, and I pinch myself to make sure it isn’t. But it’s not a dream, and you are truly standing in front of me vowing to be my wife and loving me like no one has ever loved me before.” Oh, my God, Pam thought. Who would have ever thought that this was rough and rowdy Shawn saying these words? It took her breath away. “People often said that I had a face only a mother could love, and I often agreed with them, thinking it was a big joke as well. But the day you looked at me, I mean really looked at me, and said I was a beautiful man, I realized that someone had finally seen the real me beneath the rough looks. Right then and there I got down on my knees and swore to God that I would never let you go.” The last was said with a vehemence that could be heard and felt by everybody. He cleared his throat again and finished with, “Lizzie, honey, I swear I will love you for the rest of my years here on Earth and beyond.” There was a pregnant silence after Shawn finished. Not a sound could be heard except for a few muffled sniffles from the audience. Even the minister looked shellshocked. Pam’s eyes moved from the couple in front of her to Gary. He was staring at Shawn in confusion and awe. Obviously Shawn hadn’t shared his vows with Gary, like Lizzie hadn’t shared hers with Pam. The minister finally seemed to get over his own astonishment because he, too, cleared his throat and rasped out, “The ring?” Gary

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On the Run fumbled around and handed it to Shawn, who looked more cool and confident than anyone else at the wedding. The minister turned to Shawn. “Repeat after me…” The rest of the ceremony was the same traditional wedding, nowhere near as touching as the vows Shawn and Lizzie had said to each other. ~ Gary stood, slightly impatient, his leg starting to ache a little, next to Shawn. He was still amazed by the vehemence he had heard in Shawn’s voice. Sure, he had known that Shawn loved Lizzie, but this went beyond mere love. This was a lifetime kind of love. The kind of love he had felt for Pam and still did. He looked over at Pam, who was staring at the minister with a small smile on her face. She would probably be upset if she realized that her nose was red and her makeup was smeared a little bit. Of course he didn’t care; it reminded him that this was the same Pam he had always known, not the temptress he had watched glide down the steps. He was interrupted from his reverie when the minister closed with, “You may kiss the bride.” Shawn gave Lizzie a soulful kiss that would make a blind man blush, then applause erupted in the room when the minister proclaimed, “Ladies and Gentleman, I give you Mr. and Mrs. Lawson.” Shawn and Lizzie swept down the aisle arm in arm. Walking across the aisle, Gary offered Pam his arm. “Are you ready?” She looked up, her eyes still moist with tears, “Of course.” He walked down the aisle with Pam, still wishing that this was their wedding and that they were the ones happily in love. ~ Pam stood at the side of the festivities, watching Lizzie’s little helpers go quickly to work, folding up chairs so that they could be replaced with the tables for dinner.

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Melanie Anderson Everything had been timed down to the minute like a wellchoreographed dance. Eventually the tables, too, would be moved for dancing. Her ankle was starting to ache, but she was trying hard to ignore it. She hated to give into weakness and somebody might need her help. Although it looked like everything was going fine without her. She watched Nathan playing with Brenda’s son, Christopher, both seemed to be hiding from Casey, who was across the room looking around desperately. “Pam.” Pam turned to see her mother standing next to her. She seemed awkward in a threadbare dress that Pam remembered from when she was young. “Hey, Mom.” They hugged reluctantly, and both studied the other. “How are you? Did you enjoy the service?” “Oh, yes, very much.” She straightened her dress nervously. “Lizzie looked lovely and so did you.” “Oh, thanks.” Pam smiled. “It means so much that you came today.” Pam’s reluctance to see her mother faded away. “Are you going to stay after the wedding to give Nathan his presents? I told him that he could open yours tonight.” “Of course.” Rhonda’s gaze encompassed the room, then came back to Pam and looked her in the eyes. “I just wanted to say how, uh, proud we are of you. I’m sorry that we’ve been so hard on you.” She looked uncomfortable with this exchange but seemed to be determined to say what she had to. “Mom, it’s okay—” “No, it’s not.” Rhonda reached out to hold Pam’s arms. “It’s not okay that we haven’t been there for you as much as we should, especially with you being in this condition and all. I just want you to know that if you need anything, anything at all, to let us know.” Pam looked away, “Mom, seriously, it’s okay and I know that you and Daddy are always there if I need you.

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On the Run I’m just taking it a day at a time and if I need you, I will let you know.” Rhonda seemed relieved. “Well, good then. I’m going to see if anybody needs help and get something to drink.” She started to walk away, then turned back; “Do you need anything?” Pam smiled; she appreciated what her mother was trying to do. “No, Mom, I’m fine.” And she really was. Looking across the room, she found herself trapped again by a pair of gray eyes. Gary was engaged in a conversation with Brenda’s husband Larry but his eyes were locked on her. She felt uncomfortable by his stare and surprised by the wave of lust that went through her. She was starting to feel warm and the room was hot enough as it was. It was similar to standing in front of a blazing inferno and she was almost ashamed to admit, even to herself, that she liked it. It was going to be an interesting night.

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Chapter 28 The tables were set up and everything in place. Brenda, who had stepped in as the unofficial wedding organizer, stood in the center of the room, speaking in a loud voice, “Everybody please take your seats.” There was a shuffle as the guests walked to their seats, drinks in hand. The catering company was setting up the buffet along the right side of Pam’s living room. There was a carving station for the turkey and one for the roast beef. Multiple salads were on one table, and hot dishes on another. Rolls were in baskets and placed on tables. Sitting at the long table set up for the wedding party at the entranceway to the living room, Pam was amazed at the skill of the caterers to get all this together in her tiny house. At the moment she was sitting by herself, but eventually Gary would be seated next to her on the right and Shawn and Lizzie on her left. Nathan and the kids had a table set up for them in the foyer. That way they could be part of everything but far enough away that they wouldn’t disturb any of the guests. Pam looked behind her and noticed that Nathan had moved his chair as far away from Casey as he could. He was talking to Christopher and obviously leaving poor Casey out of the conversation. Casey was sitting in her chair with her arms crossed in front of her and a pout on her face. “They’re funny, aren’t they?” Pam jumped and wheeled back around in her chair. Gary was sitting in his chair, leaning towards her, his face about two inches from her face. “You scared me.” “Sorry.” Gary gave Pam a sheepish smile, then motioned back at the kids. “They’re funny, aren’t they? The boys ignoring the girl. Reminds me of when I was younger.” “Really young.” Pam snorted. “I can’t remember a time in your life that you ran away from a woman.”

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On the Run “I didn’t run away from you,” he retorted. Pam lowered her face. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” “No, I’m sorry. It just slipped out. I didn’t want to say anything tonight to spoil this for you.” He leaned forward and reached for her hand. “Pam, can we can pretend like we are friends for one night and just enjoy the wedding?” Pam squeezed his hand. “Of course we can, after all, we are still friends, right?” Gary studied her face for a moment and then smiled, causing Pam’s heart to skip a few beats. It was the same smile that he had given her the night they met and countless days later—filled with both mischief and sex appeal. “You bet.” She smiled back, although she had a feeling that hers wasn’t as confident as his was. The thought of being simply a friend to Gary didn’t hold as much as appeal as she thought it would. ~ After Gary had filled up his plate, then sat back down, he leaned over and tapped his fork on his glass. He stood up with his glass of champagne and looked over the guests. “I met Shawn over twelve years ago, back when I was a just a punk trying to race.” A murmur of laughter went around the room. “I thought I knew it all about racing, about love and about life. He quickly proved me wrong.” Gary paused to laugh and shake his head. “In so many ways Shawn became my mentor. There was that time I got drunk and wrecked my Camaro into a tree. I was scared and petrified, worried that everyone would find out that the ‘great’ Gary Foster couldn’t drive. I called Shawn instead of my parents because, well, I knew my father would’ve killed me.” A lot of eyes went over to Jack, who just shrugged. “When Shawn picked me up from the police station, he was mad as hell, but he didn’t yell at me or anything. He just drove me back to the tree that my Camaro wrapped

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Melanie Anderson around and parked. I was still shaken up and had a killer headache and for the life of me I couldn’t understand why he had taken me there. ‘What are we doing here?’ I asked and he answered, ‘That could’ve been your mom instead of a tree you killed.’” Gary shook his head. “Scared the sh—crap out of me, I’m telling you. But it helped me realize that I should stop thinking of my career and myself and think of somebody else for a change. I never got in a car drunk again. “Now, Lizzie, I met right around the time I met my wi—” Wife, he was about to say. “I met Pam. She was a wild child, kind of reminded me of a new age hippie or something. She would do the craziest things and Pam would just say, ‘its okay, Gary, that’s just Lizzie’. But then as I watched her take care of Pam during the years, I started to realize that there was more to her than that. She was probably the best friend that anyone could have and I learned to rely on her to be there for my wife in so many ways.” There was a murmur in the room after his slip with the word wife. But Gary didn’t take it back. It was too late anyway. “How were we to know that years later, my sober pit crew chief and the wild child would find love?” He raised his glass to Shawn and Lizzie. “But seriously, guys, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen a love as strong as yours and I wish you all the best of years and love and laughter. To Shawn and Lizzie.” “To Shawn and Lizzie,” the rest of the room echoed. Gary drank his champagne and sat down. Pam was drinking a non-alcoholic cider and just staring ahead at the rest of the crowd. He hadn’t been able to catch her eyes at all during the toast. Gary continued to sit through the long meal, which was interrupted a time or two, with the chiming of utensils on glass, encouraging Shawn and Lizzie to give the guests what they wanted. And they seemed all too eager to comply, even standing up to kiss each other with a passion

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On the Run that left Gary’s mouth dry. He was also very aware of Pam sitting next to him on his left. Their conversation had been sparse, despite their vow to be friends. There was so much to say, but this was not the time or place to have any conversation Gary had in mind. ~ The dinner was winding down and Pam was glad. Sitting next to Gary for the whole hour had been wearing her nerves thin. She needed to get away from him, even if it was just for a moment. She pushed back her chair. “Excuse me.” “Are you okay?” Gary asked. “I’m fine, just need to use the restroom.” Pam stood up, nearly toppling the chair in her haste to leave the room. Gary quickly rescued the chair. “I’ll just be a minute,” she mumbled. She fled upstairs to her room, sat on the edge of her bed and put her head in her hands, wondering what was wrong with her. That toast Gary had given had really rocked her to the core. He kept calling me his wife, she thought to herself. What was that all about? It was like he had never stopped thinking of her as his wife. Then again, she had to admit, she had never really stopped thinking of him as her husband. That would explain all the guilt she had felt whenever she had tried to date other people. Brenda walked into the room and Pam quickly stood up. “Are you okay?” Brenda asked. “I saw you leave the room and I thought I’d better check up on you.” “I’m fine.” Pam looked away from Brenda’s all too seeing eyes. “I just needed to get some air.” “Well, I think we should cut the cake now.” “Oh, yeah, good idea,” Pam smoothed down her shirt, trying to hide her nervousness. “We should do that now if we are going to have time for dancing. I’m sure everybody’s going to want to get home early for Christmas Eve.”

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Melanie Anderson “Are you sure nothing is wrong?” Brenda asked. “You don’t look too good.” “Uh, yeah I’m sure, it’s just nerves.” She finally looked Brenda full in the face. “It’s just so exciting.” “Are you sure it’s not Gary making you nervous?” Brenda studied Pam for a moment. “That’s what it is, isn’t it?” Pam could feel her face turning red. Damn it. “I don’t know, maybe. I guess sitting next to him for all that time might have made me a little nervous.” “And a little horny?” “Brenda!” Pam exclaimed. “What is wrong with you?” “Just speaking the truth, honey.” Brenda walked over and sat down next to Pam. “I wouldn’t blame you, though, he does look hot tonight. And obviously from his toast and the looks I saw him give you, he still thinks of you as his wife. If I had a man—and I didn’t love my husband, of course, who looked at me like Gary looked at you, I’d be all over him.” “Whatever.” Pam wasn’t going to listen to this. “Seriously, I think you both have a lot of pent-up lust to get rid of. What a better time to act on it then at Christmas and a wedding? Think about it.” “Uh huh.” Pam ignored that comment. “I think we’d better cut the cake.” “Denial, is it?” Brenda stood up, then turned back to help Pam up. “That’s fine. But I know you are thinking about it anyway or you wouldn’t be ignoring me.” “I’m really not listening to you,” Pam stuck her nose in the air, hoping she would get the hint, but Brenda just laughed and followed Pam out of the room, reminding her of how much of a hard-ass Brenda was. “You are horny.” Brenda sang in singsong behind her back. “Bitch.” Pam whispered back as they walked down the steps, but that only made Brenda laugh harder, making all the guests’ eyes to veer in their direction.

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On the Run Pam sighed and wondered if the evening would ever end. ~ Gary watched as Pam walked back to the table, Brenda following behind her chuckling. Whatever they had talked about must have been funny to Brenda but not to Pam. Pam’s face was as red as a beet and he could see her struggle to look nonchalant. He was dying to know what they were talking about. Brenda walked to the middle of the room, then called out, “Cake time.” The guests applauded while the caterers started wheeling in the cake. Oohs and ahs went around the room. It was definitely an awesome cake, three layers, with a Christmas tree on the top and a little bride and groom standing next to it. It was decorated with swirls of green and red on white icing. But Gary was more interested in what had turned Pam red. “What was that all about?” He asked under his breath. “What?” “You and Brenda.” “Oh, nothing.” Pam shook her head, then reached up to grab one of the curls to twist. “She was just talking stupid.” Their conversation took Gary back into time when they had all been younger and Pam had gotten into an argument with one of her friends. “Stupid? How old are you?” That got a reaction. “What do you mean?” Pam turned, obviously angry. “How old am I? You’re the one who asked.” “Never mind.” He held up his hands in surrender. “Never mind. Jeez… If I had known it would make you this angry, I wouldn’t have asked.” “Well, remember that next time.” Her voice was still angry, but she was smiling now. Shawn and Lizzie were standing at the cake waiting to cut it and her attention was on that and not Gary.

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Melanie Anderson They both watched as Lizzie gently cut a piece off the cake while Shawn just whacked into the cake and got out a big piece. There was laughter when Lizzie shoved her piece into Shawn’s face. Shawn reared back, cake all over his face as flashes went off all over the room. Pam stood up and started clapping while laughing at the same time. “That’s right Lizzie, give it to him.” Lizzie turned around to Pam, then bowed low, but just as she was coming up, Shawn shoved a piece into her face. “Oh no.” Pam covered her hand with her face. Gary stood up and yelled, “That’s right, Shawn, don’t let a woman get the best of you.” Groans went out around the room. Pam walked over and grabbed a piece, a dangerous twinkle in her eye. “What did you say?” Gary started walking backwards, his hands up. “I didn’t say anything.” “Yeah, I think you did say something. Something like, ‘don’t let a woman get the best of you’.” She reached forward, then slammed the cake into his face, pieces falling all over the floor while applause went up all over the room again. Gary was having the time of his life; seeing Pam with that twinkle in her eye again was worth having cake all over his face. He licked around lips. “Yum, chocolate.” Pam laughed. “Pig.” Lizzie and Shawn were cleaning each other up while the caterers were cutting pieces for the guests. Pam got a napkin and walked back to Gary. She looked into his eyes, then away, quickly cleaning the cake off his face. In a low voice, she said, “You deserved it.” “I know.” His voice was just as quiet. “Thanks,” he said when she was finished, then lifted her chin in his hand so that they were eye to eye. He found himself lost in her eyes, so green and so luminous, so nervous. The moment stretched on, seemingly into eternity, until Pam broke it by

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On the Run looking away and muttering, “I’ve got to go check on Nathan.” He watched her walk away, not looking back. He took the plate of cake the caterers handed him and let out a deep breath. ~ Pam didn’t know what was going on with her. It had to be lust, just as Brenda said. There was something about seeing Gary in his suit that really turned her insides to jelly. Excuses, she told herself, that’s all it was. It had nothing to do with the suit and everything to do with the man. “Mom,” Nathan broke into her thoughts. “I’m having fun.” She was sitting at the little table with Nathan and the other kids. She smiled and ruffled his hair. “I’m glad.” She noticed Casey was still sulking and Christopher shoving cake into his face as fast as he could. “Why don’t you show your friends your room?” Nathan’s room was the one room that she wouldn’t let anyone touch. She knew he would need as much normalcy as she could give him if she was going to get him to sleep tonight, especially since it was Christmas Eve. She just hoped that the wedding would wear him out. “Chris—” Pam broke in, “Casey, too.” “Aww, Mom, do I have to?” Nathan gave her a pleading look. “She’s a girl.” He whispered loud enough for anyone to hear if they wanted to. Pam noticed Casey looked like she was going to cry. “I’m sure Casey could play boy games, too. Isn’t that right, Casey?” “Sure.” Casey smiled at Pam. “I play with my brother Chris all the time.” Now Christopher looked embarrassed having been caught playing with girls in front of another boy.

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Melanie Anderson “See, Nate. I told you. Now you be a good boy and take them both upstairs.” Nathan didn’t look happy about it but he did it anyway “Come on Chris.” He hesitated and then said grudgingly, “You, too, Casey.” Pam smiled after them as they walked up the stairs. Kids were so funny. She turned around and saw Gary looking at her again, his gray eyes like a beacon. Maybe it was a good idea for boys and girls not to play with each other. Brenda spoke up again, her voice cutting through the crowd like a drill sergeant’s, “Okay, ladies and gentleman, if you would just step to the side so that we can get rid of these tables, it would be appreciated. Then we can start the dancing.” Brenda was getting good at this, Pam thought. She could imagine this was how she managed her own house. She giggled to herself, imaging Brenda standing in her bedroom saying, “Okay, Larry, tonight we are going to have sex.” She was surprised by how giddy she was. She wasn’t drinking, so it must be nerves. “What are you doing back here by yourself?” Lizzie walked over and sat down in a little chair next to Pam. She sighed deeply. “Are you hiding?” “No, I was just talking to Nathan and didn’t have the energy to get back up.” She reached over and touched Lizzie’s hand. “Are you happy?” “Oh yes, this wedding has been all I ever dreamed of and more.” “I’m glad,” Pam said. “It really has been beautiful.” She looked around her house, watching the men help roll the tables though the dining room, then out the back door. “I’m just amazed that this is actually my house.” “Yes, it is amazing.” Lizzie looked over at Pam, then motioned towards Gary, who was folding up some chairs about five feet in front of them and lowered her voice. “Gary’s looking hot tonight, isn’t he?”

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On the Run Pam groaned. “Not you, too.” “Why? Who else said that?” “Brenda.” Lizzie laughed. “So that’s why you looked so mad coming down the steps.” “She was giving me a hard time.” “Good.” Lizzie said. “Somebody needs to. You and Gary’s lust rays are sucking all the air in the room, making Shawn and I look like an old married couple.” Pam just shook her head. “Well, whatever.” Lizzie stood up. “I’m going to go find my man and give him a great big kiss.” She started walking forward, then looked back to give Pam a saucy look. “I’d suggest you do the same thing.” Pam just waved her away. What was wrong with everybody? she thought to herself, but then looking at Gary’s butt as he bent over to fold a chair, she shivered. Okay, she knew what was wrong with everybody. ~ The DJ was set up along the right wall, where the food tables were set up before. Gary was pretty sure they had hired him, he wasn’t another one of Lizzie’s relatives. The tables were moved out of the middle of the room but chairs were still set up around the walls in case someone wanted to sit instead of dance. After a slight squeak of static, the DJ started talking, “How is everybody doing?” The crowd cheered. “Sounds like a party going on.” The DJ’s voice was upbeat as most DJ’s voices were. “Everybody ready to dance?” Another cheer rose, then fell when the DJ continued, “First we have to have the married couple come up for their first dance.” “No dirty dancing.” Somebody yelled from the crowd. “Hey, I can dirty dance if I want to,” Lizzie said from the center of the room and gave a wink. Lizzie looked natural on the dance floor, but Shawn looked nervous again.

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Melanie Anderson The DJ started playing, “Crazy,” by Patsy Cline, which Gary recognized as Shawn’s favorite song. He slowly started strolling around the room until he got to Pam who was standing in the entranceway to living room, swaying gently to the music. “It’s so beautiful,” she said when he was standing next to her. “Yes, it is.” His eyes never leaving Pam. She looked up at him. “Can you believe it? Our two best friends getting married. Who would’ve known?” “Yes, it’s truly amazing.” He looked around. “Where Nate?” “Upstairs with Brenda’s kids.” She looked up at him, amusement on her face. “He didn’t want to take Casey, but I made him.” He chuckled. “I bet.” The final notes of the song faded away and the audience clapped. “Now,” the DJ said, “It’s time for the best man and the maid of honor to dance.” “Oh no—” Pam started to say “Oh, yes, Pam, it’s a tradition.” Gary grabbed Pam’s hand and practically dragged her to the center of the room while the DJ said, “Aww, there you go, give a hand for the best man and maid of honor. Aren’t they lovely?” The music started, this time it was Lonestar’s “Amazed”. Pam’s head quickly came up, giving him a look of shock. “I didn’t do it,” he quickly denied. That was their song. He had a feeling that Lizzie and Shawn had something to do with it. Gary put his hand on Pam’s shoulder and held her hand tightly in the other as they started waltzing around the room. ~ Pam felt dizzy in so many ways. First, in shock because they were playing “their” song, secondly because she was in Gary’s arms and he felt so good, and lastly because they were spinning around and around.

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On the Run She had always loved dancing with Gary. They used to dance all the time in their apartment and later in this house. She had a strange sense of déjà vu, like she expected him to take her upstairs like they had also done so many times before. Sometimes they had never even made it upstairs. She looked up at his face, which looked so serious, the lines around his mouth making him look stern and forbidding. He must have felt her stare because he looked down and smiled, his dimples showing. “What?” he asked low, so no one could hear. “Is something wrong?” She shook her head and replied in a husky voice, “No.” “What is it?” he insisted. “I can tell you are thinking about something. Are you thinking about what we used to do after we danced? Because I am.” She looked over his shoulder at the guests and gave a fake smile, then muttered between her teeth, “No.” “Liar,” he whispered in her ear and just like that, Pam felt her body contract as it had so many times before. They danced in silence for a couple of moments. “Do you want to spend the night?” she asked. His body stiffened in shock. “No,” she quickly denied, “not for that, so that you can spend Christmas morning with Nate.” “You would do that for me?” Gary’s face was incredulous. “That would mean everything to me.” Pam laid her head on Gary’s shoulder. “Of course I would do that for you. He’s your son, too. I know you’ve missed out on a lot of Christmas mornings.” Her voice was muffled with drowsiness, or lust, she wasn’t sure which, against his jacket. “It’s the least I can do.” “I would love that,” he ran a hand over her hair. “You’ve just made my day, my Christmas.”

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Melanie Anderson The song ended and they parted, so many things left unsaid. She grew uncomfortable, then pulled away. “Thank you for the dance,” she muttered, then fled. ~ The dancing continued through the evening. Gary watched as Pam danced with her father. Whatever he said to her must have been funny because she threw back her head and laughed. Shawn walked up and stood next to Gary. “What are you doing—oh, I know what you are doing.” “I don’t know what you are talking about.” “Your eyes haven’t left her all night.” Shawn smirked, “Everybody probably thinks you two are the newlyweds instead of us.” “She asked me to spend the night.” “Really,” Shawn drawled. “Well, that’s promising.” “Not for that.” Gary denied. “You have a dirty mind. No, it’s so that I can spend Christmas with Nathan.” “Uh huh,” Shawn muttered, “I’m sure that’s one of the reasons.” He wiggled his eyebrows. Gary turned to Shawn. “Seriously, man, you have a dirty mind and it’s totally wasted on me. Why don’t you go use it on your wife?” Shawn swallowed his beer hard. “Oh, right.” “What? Don’t tell me you’re nervous about the wedding night? Didn’t I already explain the birds and the bees to you?” “Very funny.” Shawn drawled. “It’s just that I want tonight to be special.” “Well, then, I suggest you lay off the beer.” “You’re a great friend,” Shawn punched Gary in the arm, hard. “Thanks a lot.” “Hey, what are friends for.” Gary rubbed his arm. “Now get the hell out of here and find your wife.” Shawn walked away, chuckling to himself while Gary looked around for Pam, locating her near one of Lizzie’s relatives, talking enthusiastically, her hands all over the

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On the Run place. Even though he denied it to Shawn, he knew what he said was true; his eyes hadn’t been able to leave Pam all night.

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Chapter 29 Pam watched as Lizzie changed from her dress into her street clothes, since they were leaving for their honeymoon right away. “When are you coming back?” Pam reached for Lizzie’s dress and hung it back on the hanger. “We are only going for a long weekend. Shawn really has to get back to work. The racing season will be here before we know it.” “Are you going on the road with him?” she asked, brushing the front of the dress. “Yes.” Lizzie put on a pair of slacks. “I’m quitting my job and giving it a year. If I don’t like it, then I will go back.” Pam turned around to look at Lizzie. “I’ll miss you.” Lizzie’s face was muffled beneath the sweater she was putting over her head. “Maybe you will be able to visit us on the road.” Her face popped out. “Who knows what’s going to happen between you and Gary.” “Maybe, but I doubt it.” Lizzie walked over to Pam and grabbed both of her hands. “Honey, don’t sell yourself short, you both need each other.” She shook both of their hands. “Now that’s all I’m going to say about that.” She gave a Pam a hug. “Come downstairs and say goodbye to us.” Lizzie walked out of the room, but Pam hesitated. She looked back into her bedroom at Lizzie’s dress hanging up looking so full of hope for a new life, a new beginning. Maybe it was time for her to find one, too. She turned out the light and walked out the door. ~ Gary stood in the crowd of people watching the bride and groom leaving. Shawn was getting back-poundings and hugs from everyone while Lizzie was standing at the top of the stairs. Then she yelled, “Okay, it’s time for me to throw the bouquet.”

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On the Run The women squealed as they pushed forward. The only single women were various cousins of Lizzie’s, all with blonde hair and beautiful so Gary could hardly tell one apart from the other. “Where’s Pam?” Brenda called. “I’m here.” Pam’s soft voice could be heard coming from behind Lizzie as she walked toward the steps. “Go join them, Pam,” Lizzie prodded. “I don’t know…” “Oh, come on, Pam.” Brenda’s voice was firm and didn’t allow for any disobedience. “Go catch it.” Pam made a face at Brenda but did as she was told, walking over to the group of women already pushing and shoving each other. “This looks like a tough crowd,” she joked, looking from side to side. Lizzie turned around with a flourish on the steps and looked back over her shoulder. “Are you ready?” The entire group of woman screamed except Pam, who backed up a couple of steps. “Yes, we’re ready.” blonde number one said. “Okay.” Lizzie called, “Ready, set.” And she threw it. Gary watched it glide down from the steps, going right toward Pam who looked around desperately, obviously not wanting to catch it. He watched Pam slowly reaching for it at the last minute just before she caught it. She looked dumbfounded for a moment until she saw the other women start coming toward her as if they were going to tackle her. She turned to run the other way, the bouquet high in her hands. “No!” she screamed, “I’m a pregnant woman!” She jumped up on top of a chair, holding her hand out. “Back off.” All the blondes stopped, en-masse, their shoulders drooping. “That’s not fair, she already got married,” Gary heard one mumble. He didn’t think Pam heard because she was busy receiving congratulations from Lizzie and Brenda. He

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Melanie Anderson realized again how much of a team they were, all of them sticking together, wanting the best for each other. His mom walked up to him. “Your dad and I are leaving.” “Really?” Gary leaned over to give her a hug. “Already?” “Yes, I have a feeling the party is breaking up now.” “Okay. Are you coming here tomorrow for Christmas?” “Of course,” Marie looked confused. “But aren’t you coming with us?” “Uh, actually, I’m spending the night.” Gary realized he was actually a little nervous telling his mother he was spending the night with his ex-wife. “That’s great, honey, now you will get to see Nathan in the morning.” He realized his mom didn’t see anything wrong about him spending the night. He was the only one who saw something perverted about it. “Yeah, that’s right.” “Well, let me say Merry Christmas now, then.” She leaned forward and kissed his cheek. “Pam really looked beautiful tonight,” she whispered in his ear before walking away. Maybe his mother wasn’t as naive as he thought she was. He turned to see Pam standing at the door talking to his parents while Shawn and Lizzie were nearby talking to some of the other guests. “Hey, there.” A voice said from behind him, and he turned to see one of the blondes talking to him. “I’m Belinda.” “Hi. Did you enjoy the wedding?” He had no idea what to say to her. “Sure.” She winked, preening a little. “But I think the part I enjoyed the most was watching you.” Before Gary could form some kind of response, she leaned forward to whisper, “Call me sometime,” then slipped something, he

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On the Run presumed her phone number, in his pocket. With one last saucy look thrown over her shoulder, a look that reminded him eerily of Lizzie, she walked over to the door. When he got over his daze, he looked up to see Pam looking at him, a frown on her face, but when she noticed him watching her, she turned away. Oh, fine, he thought. You don’t want me, but you definitely don’t want anyone else to have me, either. He walked over to Shawn, who said, “Well, man, here I go.” Gary smirked. “You sure you don’t need any pointers?” “From you?” He snorted. “No way.” “Oh, I see, you don’t want to overwhelm her right away.” He smacked Shawn on the back. “Good idea, buddy.” “Shit,” Shawn drawled, then looked around to make sure nobody could hear him. “Fine, wing it, I don’t care.” He sobered up quickly. “Seriously, man, have a great honeymoon.” “Yeah.” Shawn looked uncomfortable, “And thanks man, you know, for being my best man.” “Don’t even think about it. I would’ve been insulted if you’d have picked anyone else.” “Yeah, well.” Shawn hung his head. Then he pulled Gary into a big hug, involving a lot of manly pats on the back before they pulled back, both of them uncomfortable with affection unless it involved racing. “Get the hell out here,” Gary said, affection in his voice. “Take care of your woman.” “You, too,” Shawn tossed back. Gary didn’t even bother asking him what he meant; obviously everyone else had already caught the vibes making him realize he couldn’t fool anyone. They both walked over to where the women were standing by the door. Most of the guests had already left by that time.

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Melanie Anderson Lizzie was saying to Pam, “Now are you sure you don’t need any help?” “Yes, Lizzie,” she chastised. “For the last time, yes. You just go on your honeymoon and don’t worry about any of this.” “If you’re sure.” When Pam stamped her foot on the floor, Lizzie laughed, “Okay I’m going. Don’t have a temper tantrum.” Shawn walked over and put his arms around Lizzie, who looked up in relief. “Oh, there you are.” Gary almost rolled his eyes; they had only been apart for about ten minutes at the most. “Let’s go, Lizzie.” He instructed her, “Say goodbye.” “Good-bye.” Lizzie parroted, giggling. She hugged Pam, whispering something in her ear that Gary couldn’t hear but obviously embarrassed Pam, because she turned scarlet. Then Lizzie turned to Gary who had been hovering a little behind Pam. “Come here, honey.” She pulled him close to whisper in his ear, “Take care of her.” Then she winked. “Bye, everyone,” she cried, doing a pirouette and yelling, “I’m going to get lucky!” at the top of her lungs. With one last drunken wave, she exited the house. Pam was still laughing as she closed the door. “Do you need any help?” Gary asked. She turned a little cooler when she looked at him, but answered, “Sure.” She motioned around the house, “Just pick a spot.” Brenda walked down the steps holding the hand of a sleepy Christopher, Larry following with a sleeping Casey. “Well, you’re lucky,” Brenda said, “Nathan is out like a light. You won’t have to worry about getting him to sleep tonight.” “Oh, that’s a relief.” Pam said, “I guess we got lucky this year.”

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On the Run “Yep, all the excitement seems to have worn them out.” She walked over to Pam. “Are you going to be all right with all this?” “Sure, I’ll be fine. The caterers cleaned up their mess and with no furniture…” She looked around gloomily. “There isn’t much to clean up, and I have Gary here to help, too.” “Well, that’s good.” Brenda said, “In that case, I’m going to leave.” She looked meaningfully at Christopher. “We have to get home, if Santa Claus is going to come.” “Oh, of course.” Pam leaned over to look at him. “It was nice to see you, Christopher.” He mumbled something that could have been goodbye, but was so garbled it was hard to tell. Gary watched as Pam smiled, ruffling his hair. “I hope Santa’s good to you.” Gary and Pam helped Brenda and Larry get all their stuff together and out of the house, which took awhile with all the kids’ stuff, including the presents Pam had for them, but they managed somehow. They both stood in the door together and waved as they drove away. Gary followed Pam back into the house, watching as she turned the deadbolt in the door and turned the alarm system back on. ~ Pam didn’t know where to start, especially distracted as she was by the fact that Gary was standing in her house. Other than Nathan sleeping upstairs, they were totally alone. Gary said something she missed. “What?” “Where’s the dog?” “Oh, Ruffles? He’s at my parents’ house.” She snorted. “I’m sure that’s an interesting scene.” “I didn’t see your parents leave.” Gary was walking around, picking up trash to dump it in the big trash can in the middle of the room.

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Melanie Anderson “They left early.” Pam was finding it hard to move; she felt frozen in place near the door. “Really?” Gary asked, still picking up trash. “Well, you know my parents.” Why does he have to look so good? Even just picking up trash. Bastard. “Yeah, I do.” He laughed. “I’m surprised they even came at all.” “Me, too.” She laughed, sounding a little breathless. What were they talking about? Get a hold of yourself, Pam. He stopped and with his hands at his sides, just looked at her. Say something. “I saw you got lucky.” When his eyebrow went up, she quickly added, “The blonde. The phone number.” “Oh.” He drawled, “Her.” He pulled out the slip of paper and read, “Belinda, 555-4204.” “Yep.” She was trying to hide the jealousy eating her up. “That’s her.” “Probably just one of those girls who goes to a wedding hoping to hook up.” He crumbled up the piece of paper, throwing it into the trashcan. “Oh.” Real astute, Pam. Shut up, she commanded the inner voice, you’re not helping anything. “Are you one of those girls?” he continued. Pam looked up, shocked to see Gary standing in front of her with an unreadable expression in his eyes. “Huh?” “I said,” his hand moving to one of the curls at the side on her face, “are you one of those girls?” “Girls?” She was having a hard time thinking while Gary’s hands were running through her hair, sending tingles through her body. “Are you going to wear this dress to clean?” This time she heard him and looked down to see her dress looking a lot more wrinkled than earlier. “Oh, no, I’m not.”

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On the Run He nuzzled the side of her neck and Pam’s head tilted on its own to give him better access. In a husky whisper, he asked, “Do you need help getting it off?” He pulled back to look into her eyes and for a breathless moment they stared at each other until Pam could see the gray in his eyes turn flinty with lust. “Maybe.” That was the only consent she would give and obviously all he needed. His lips touched hers softly, gently until Pam melted. Oh, yes, she thought. His hands were still in her hair. “You’re so damn beautiful,” he growled. Now hands that had soothed before tightened, not leaving room for escape. His lips were demanding, seeking total surrender that Pam was all too eager to give. Pam’s arms wound around Gary’s neck and pulled him closer to deepen the kiss while Gary moaned low in his throat, his tongue sinking deeper into her mouth, stroking and caressing, tasting her like a fine wine he couldn’t get enough of. Suddenly, his hands seized her arms jerking her around until her back was against the wall. He pushed his body into hers so that she could feel his erection, stiff and ready. Pam whimpered in arousal; oh, my, she thought, gentle is nice but rough is always good. Just as swiftly as he had pushed her, he drew away. She looked up at his eyes, confused by his withdrawal. “Am I going to hurt the baby?” His words sounded dragged out and so low she almost didn’t hear them. “No,” she said on a moan. Gary kissed her neck again, sucking gently. Pam couldn’t think; everything was leaving her mind in a rush of arousal. His lips followed a trail from her neck down to her breasts, kissing them through the dress, moving lower, stopping at her stomach to kiss it gently, his tenderness being her undoing. She kneeled down until their eyes were level. “I want you.” Then insistently, “Now.”

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Melanie Anderson ~ Gary looked deep into the Pam’s eyes, so caught up in her web that he was fighting a battle with himself to be as gentle as he wanted to be. Her eyes left his to move lower to where he was tenting the tux’s trousers, her hand following her eyes down until it fluttered over his erection, causing him to jerk. “Are you sure?” He gritted out, even though he wasn’t sure if he could stop even if she said no. Her eyes came back up to his even as her hand stayed where it was. Looking into his eyes, she licked her lips and at the same time stroked him harder. “Oh, yeah.” He jerked her forward until they were knee to knee, his arms under her ass, pulling her as close as he could to his erection. His hands went to the zipper at the back of her dress to pull it down swiftly, despite the fact that he was shaking. Her mouth was hungry at his neck, sucking and cursing him at the same time to hurry. He pushed her down but quickly changed positions when he realized they were on the bare floor. Pam didn’t seem to mind, just started going to work on Gary’s dress shirt with a single-minded determination that drove him insane. “Slow down.” He stood up and pulled her with him. He realized if he didn’t slow it down, he would be finished before they even began. “Sssh,” he soothed, zipping her dress back up. “We’ll get there.” “Damn you, Gary,” she said, impatience ripe in her voice. “You always do this to me.” “And isn’t it always worth it?” He didn’t give her time to answer, just picked her up. “We are going to do this right.” Even if it kills me. “What about your leg?” He could see that she had calmed down some, though she was still panting lightly, her body flushed. “Don’t worry about it.”

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On the Run He started walking towards the stairs but stopped when she started laughing. “What?” “I had this image of you as Rhett Butler when you were down below the steps. You’re just completing that fantasy.” “Is that bad?” “Oh, no. The reality is much, much better.” She kissed his neck, whispering in his ear, “But please hurry.” “I aim to please.” He smiled. ~ Gary kicked the door of her room opened and Pam sighed at the romance of it. Despite the lust running wild through her veins, she still appreciated the gesture. He laid her on the bed, backing up to stare down at her. Pam smiled at him while his eyes ran up and down her, dark gray with desire. “Do you know how much I want you?” The words were forced from his throat. Pam could see his hands shaking when he ran them through his hair. “Then why are you all the way across the room?” He started unbuttoning the buttons she had missed on his dress shirt. She sat back to enjoy the show. “Did I ever tell you how sexy you are?” He gave her his wicked grin. “No.” “I wonder how many women would kill to be in my shoes right now.” She speculated as he shrugged his shirt off, leaving his tee shirt on. He flexed his muscles a little, making Pam laugh. When he started to pull his tee shirt off Pam stopped him by saying, “Wait.” Pam rose to her knees. “Slow down. I want to enjoy this.” He stopped and raised his eyebrow. “Really…” he drawled. “Now we’re talking.” She smiled. One of the things she always loved about Gary was that he knew how to have fun. “Come here.” He walked up to the edge of the bed to gaze down at her. She ran her finger down his chest. “Let me.” She used

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Melanie Anderson both hands to pull his shirt over his head in one swift movement, stopping to stare in awe at this chest which was firm and sculpted with hair crisp and dark, swirling down to the top of his dress pants. She looked up at him and for a moment lost herself in the surging passion in his eyes. His finger was lightly brushing the skin above the bodice of her dress. She used her hands to stroke through the hair on his chest, lightly touching his nipples before moving lower. Gary backed up. “What’s wrong?” she asked, looking up at him. He didn’t say anything, just watched her. Her eyes were drawn to the movement of his hands at the waist of his pants; he flicked the snap open with one quick movement. Her eyes felt glued to the evidence of his desire, straining against his pants, enticing her. She just wanted him inside her—ASAP. He groaned while moving closer, her eyes remaining glued to his crotch, eager to touch him. “Stop looking at me like that,” he muttered. She looked up. “Like what?” “Like you are going to devour me in one bite.” He had stopped about a foot away from her and she itched to pull him closer, but obviously they were going by Gary’s rules this time. “Well…” she looked down. “It’s not a bad idea.” “Come here,” he crooked his finger. She stood up and walked towards him. He reached behind her to unzip her dress, using both hands to nudge the straps off her shoulder. The dress slipped down, pausing at her breasts before sliding the rest of the way down. Gary just stood there, his eyes raking her body until Pam felt self conscious, wanting to cover herself. “Wow,” he whispered. His hand followed his eyes down her body. “Wow yourself,” she looked down at him. “Take your pants off.”

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On the Run He looked back up at her with a sexy grin on his face. “You do it.” “Okay.” She slowly unzipped his pants, finding it difficult because of the size of his erection. “You’re really packing,” she teased. She pulled down his pants, leaving him in his briefs before reaching under the elastic and enveloping him in her hand. Gary groaned and started backing her towards the bed until she hit the bed with the back of her knees. She slowly lowered herself down, not letting go so that he was forced to follow her down. He sheltered her with his body, covering her securely. She closed her eyes, enjoying the feeling of being home. ~ Gary looked down at Pam’s face, feeling the sweat start to bead on his forehead. Her hand was still between his legs and there was a look of total contentment of her face. She ran her free hand down his face. “This is where I belong.” “I know.” He leaned closer until their faces were an inch apart. “It’s where we both belong.” She reached up and pulled his head down so that she could kiss him, caressing his tongue with hers Gary sank into the kiss and was lost in the sensuous promise he found there. Gary broke away and used his arms to push himself up to look down at her. She was wearing a strapless corset and he carefully used his hands to unhook it in the back. Her breasts sprang free, and he moved his face down, watching the nipples start to harden in the cool air. She made little mewling noises as he used his fingers to start plucking at them. Her breasts had changed since the last time he had seen them, the aureolas darker. Her breasts were growing and changing, preparing themselves for his baby.

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Melanie Anderson His baby. It was still so hard to believe that she was going to have his child. It added a whole new layer of tenderness to his lovemaking. He moved his free hand away from her breasts to her stomach, noticing the slight roundness that was becoming obvious. Soon enough she would start to swell with life. It made his heart ache. His hand reached her panties and he slowly slid them down and away. He put his finger inside her, feeling the moistness and spreading it around to prepare her for him. She was moaning a little louder now, starting to get frantic and thrusting her hips to try to draw him deeper. “Ssh,” he whispered, “I’m not going to tease you this time. I can’t.” He entered her slowly, inch by inch, waiting for her body to adjust, before sliding the length of him inside until he was in up to the hilt. They both sighed with completion, “Ahh…” He was home.

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Chapter 30 Pam opened her eyes and looked up at Gary, who was inside her now, filling all the empty places in her soul, but wasn’t moving yet. He was staring down at her, his eyes intent, sweat beading on his face. She used her hand to gently wipe at his brow. “What’s wrong?” she asked, wondering why he was so still, feeling the urgent need for him to move rush through her body, causing her to shift uncomfortably. “Nothing.” He groaned, moving a little bit, making Pam bite her lip hard. “I’m just trying to enjoy this moment as long as I can.” She moved back a little and felt him plunge deeper into her, so deep she imagined their baby could feel him. “Well, you’d better move soon or I’ll enjoy it without you,” she managed to grit through her teeth. “Patience,” he murmured. His mouth moved to her breast and sucked it in deep, his tongue swirling around the nipple. The contrast between his tongue, cool on her nipple, and the hot length of him inside her drove her mad. Orgasm was only seconds away. He moved from her breast back to her mouth. “I love you,” he whispered, but before she could respond, he pulled every inch out of her slowly and then pushed back in faster and continued to do this over and over, creating a mind-blowing rhythm that erased all thought from her mind. “Oh, yes,” escaped out of her mouth in a breathy moan. He moaned back, the words unintelligible. She opened her eyes and found herself caught in his eyes that were half closed but totally centered on her. They continued holding eye contact during each thrust, each twist, and each ripple that went through their bodies. That is until Pam could take it no more and threw her head back, moaning in ecstasy as wave after wave ripped over her body. She saw stars, but Gary wasn’t finished.

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Melanie Anderson ~ Gary had only just begun. It felt like he could go on forever and never get enough of this woman lying under him. He felt her body squeeze around him, creating a vacuum that made him lose his mind. He waited until she had settled down and opened her eyes. He was still deep inside of her and could feel her body relaxing around him. She watched him for a moment with a weary look on her face. He didn’t say anything, just began moving again, starting out slowly. He watched her eyes close and could tell that her second orgasm was going to be explosive. Pulling out, he rolled her over and positioned her so that she was on all fours and plunged in again, this time going deeper until their bodies were one. She groaned loud and long. He reached around to caress her breasts until her back arched like a cat. “Oh, God,” she moaned. He pulled her up until she was sitting in his lap, his entire length inside her, and moved back, putting his hands on the bed behind him. “Ride me,” he told her, and she did. She started writhing and rocking on him, and Gary lost all sense of time and thought. His orgasm surged over his body and exploded out of him and into her. He heard her keening wail over the roaring in his ears as he pulled her back on him and rolled them over. He struggled to regulate his breathing while his body shook with aftershocks. When his brain finally clicked back in, he looked down at her. She was panting wildly, shaking like a leaf. “My God,” she whispered. “I know,” he whispered back. Gary put his forehead against hers and they stayed in that position for awhile. It had never been like that for him, even in all the years they had been married. Even that evening in his trailer hadn’t compared to this night. What they had shared tonight was unlike anything he had ever experienced. Ever.

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On the Run It wasn’t just the sex, which had been explosive; it was the closeness, the intimacy, and the total comfort they had felt with each other. Even when they were married, there had been a tension between the two of them. An urge for him to protect her and teach her that had colored all their lovemaking. He stroked her wild hair back from her face, which was red, her neck blotchy and her hazel eyes still dark with desire. Her lips held a small smile that showed she’d been well loved, satisfied and she looked like everything he had ever wanted in this life. “I love you,” he said, wanting her to hear him this time. Her smiled brightened. “I love you, too.” Her finger lightly touched his lips. “It’s Christmas Day.” He looked over at the digital clock on the nightstand. “So it is.” He settled back on the bed and pulled her close to his side, her head on his chest. “Santa should be here soon. Have you been good this year?” She chuckled silently, the vibrations going through his chest. “I don’t know. I think I was pretty good tonight.” He lightly smacked her bottom. “Bragging are we?” He rubbed her back. “Damn right.” She sat up to look at him. “You were pretty good yourself.” “I know.” She nudged him in the side with her elbow making him laugh. “Well, if you can brag then I can, too.” “I think we were both good,” she whispered, leaning down to kiss him lightly on the lips. “We’d better get up,” he said reluctantly. “Gotta do the Santa thing.” Pam jumped up and swung her legs over the bed. “That’s right, we do. It’s getting late.” Gary admired her energy since he felt like he had just been put through a wringer, which wasn’t exactly a bad thing considering what lead to the feeling.

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Melanie Anderson He sat up and put his arms around her from behind, kissing her neck. He felt the quiver run through her body. “Are you sure we can’t wait another hour or so?” “Down, big boy.” She looked over her shoulder and smiled back at him. “We’ll have plenty of time for that after we put the presents out.” ~ Pam walked downstairs holding Gary’s hand, hardly believing it wasn’t a dream. She remembered so many Christmases she had spent alone, having to play Santa all by herself. Oh, sure, sometimes Lizzie or her parents had helped but it was never the same as having a husband to help her. Now they were doing it together, and it felt like every dream coming true at once. “Where are the presents?” Gary asked, interrupting her from her thoughts. “In the laundry room,” she answered, pulling him through the dining room. The house seemed strange, devoid of all its furniture, a shell of its former self. The laundry room was small, only enough room for a washing machine and dryer, but there was a closet that went under the steps to the right. It was dark and dreary, the perfect hiding place since Nathan had been scared of the closet since he was a little boy and wouldn’t go anywhere near it. Gary quickly pulled out all the bags, taking them into the living room near the tree where they both started taking out the wrapped packages and putting them under the tree. After they were finished, they stood back and looked at the finished result. “Is that it?” Gary asked. Pam smirked. “All except for the big one.” Gary turned to look at her. “What’s the big one?” “Come look.” She was very proud of this particular present, and she knew it would shock Gary. It was a symbol of her finally fighting of her demons.

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On the Run She took him out the back door to the shed, where they kept the riding lawn mower and other garden supplies, at the back of her house. Because of the riding mower, she always locked it, so she didn’t worry about Nathan looking in there, either. “It’s cold as shit out here,” Gary swore, rubbing his arms vigorously. They had only managed to grab their jackets and shoes before coming outside. Pam unlocked the padlock and opened the double doors with a flourish. Gary looked at her for a moment, confused, then looked past her to the shed. “Oh, my God.” He breathed. Pam looked around him and admired the present as well. It was a smaller version of an adult four-wheeler, a 125 CC. It wasn’t new, but it looked like it was since she had cleaned it up and put new tires on. “Do you like it?” “Oh, yeah,” he said softly. “How could you afford it? I mean…” He seemed at a loss for words. “I’ve been making payments on it. A friend of mine was selling it.” She took a deep breath. It still made her a nervous wreck just looking at it. “Oh. But…” He looked over at her. “Pam…” “I know.” She looked at him. “It’s scary, huh?” She walked over to the four-wheeler and rubbed it with her hand. “When I first started therapy, I analyzed myself and realized my fears, my anxiety attacks, were keeping Nate away from the one thing he loved. Speed. I knew he was racing at your house, I knew your parents encouraged him just like they encouraged you growing up. It was selfish of me to deny him the one thing he liked to do.” She stopped for a moment to rub her hand over her face. Gary walked over and put his hand on her shoulder. It helped her finish what she had to say. “I figured there had to be some kind of compromise I could come to in my mind. If I saw him racing and encouraged him, too, then maybe it would help ease some of my fears.” She looked back at the four-wheeler. “This isn’t racing, I know, but it’s something he will enjoy and something I can watch

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Melanie Anderson him do. He always wanted a four-wheeler, and with all this land, he should be able to enjoy it.” Gary put his arms around her from behind. “I know how hard this is on you.” He would know, she thought, maybe the only one. He turned her around to look deep into her eyes. “You do know that when Nate races with me or with my parents, we always encourage him to be safe. I would never let anything happen to that boy, if I can help it.” “Oh, I know. It’s never been about me not trusting you.” She put her hand on the side of his face. “It’s about me fighting my demons, my anxiety attacks. I’m learning slowly that my panic attacks aren’t always triggered by something specific and just because he races doesn’t mean I’m always going to have an attack. It could be triggered by nothing at all. I can’t hide him in the house and not let him leave to try to avoid it.” “Just like divorcing me didn’t guarantee they would go away either.” Pam heard the hurt he was trying to hide. She sighed, looking away from him. “Gary, I didn’t know what they were. I just knew that the same thing happened when you went away to race.” “Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m freezing.” He put his arm around her shoulders and started pulling her toward the house. “Let’s go in.” She appreciated him changing the subject, but she knew it wasn’t over. The only positive thing that she could see happen was that they were trying to communicate with each other without arguing. Maybe they were finally getting around the hurdle in their lives. She hoped so. ~ Gary stood in the entranceway to the living room watching Pam straighten up the presents around the tree. Even wearing just his T-shirt and sweatpants, she took his breath away. “I have to get some milk and cookies,” she commented over her shoulder.

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On the Run “Why?” He walked into the room and stood beside her. “Well, I at least need some crumbs and an empty glass of milk,” Pam continued. He wondered if she talking to him or to herself. She turned around and walked past him while he laughed silently to himself. She was in the zone now. In full fledge Santa mode. She walked back in with a crystal plate containing some crumbs and a glass of milk. She handed him the glass. “Drink.” He started drinking the milk, even though he didn’t like it that much, and watched as she laid the empty plate on the hearth. Gordon jumped from the mantel to the hearth to start sniffing at the plate. “Don’t you dare.” Pam chastised the cat, who just looked at her, seemed to stick his nose in the air and walked away. He watched as Pam sauntered back to him with a wicked gleam in her eye. “Did I ever tell you how seeing a man drink a cup of milk really turns me on?” “It’s the milk moustache.” Her eyes twinkling with humor, she rubbed her finger over the top of his lip. “Hmm… That could be it. It’s so sexy.” He handed her the now empty glass and watched as she put it next to the plate. “Did I ever tell you how seeing you next to that Christmas tree with the lights bringing out all the colors in your eyes turns me on?” She turned around, her eyes looking shocked, before she turned back into her seductress role. “Oh, really,” she said seductively “Did I ever tell you that the sight of you pregnant with my child makes my heart break and my dick hard all at the same time, knowing that part of me is inside of you?” “Hmm… Umm…” Pam started looking around, dropping the role she had been playing. He started towards her, slowly, stalking her like a cat, “Did I ever tell you how the thought of you being with

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Melanie Anderson someone else over the years made me want to come over here and take you upstairs and do you until you admitted you were mine?” She was backing away from him now, but what she didn’t realize was that there was nowhere she could go to get away from him. She was finally forced to stop when she backed up against the wall next to the tree. Putting his hands against the wall above her head, he put his face a couple inches from hers to whisper fiercely, “Did I ever tell you that you are mine and I’m never going to let you go?” He placed his hands on the side of her face, holding her tight in his grip. “Never.” He moved his hands to her shoulders. “And now I’m telling you that I’m going to fuck you against this wall until all you can think about is me, until I’m a part of you and you’ll never let me go again.” The overwhelming need to possess this woman who always seemed to be just out of his reach was too much and he planned to make her forget everything, including the reasons they couldn’t be together. He gave her one last chance to catch her breath before he swooped in to take what was his. What had always been his. ~ Gary had gone from tenderness to fierceness in one evening. It was all too much for Pam. She could hardly think as he devoured her mouth, no tenderness in his touch, just a blazing passion that set her on fire. His hands roamed over her body, tearing the T-shirt off her body with a rough ripping sound. The lights on the tree added to the lights behind her eyelids, blurring everything into a crazy kaleidoscope of color. He muttered something while using both hands to pull down her pants and panties. She couldn’t believe this was actually happening to her. It was like Gary was out of control with lust and could no longer help himself. It didn’t scare her as much as it turned her on and flattered her. All the words he had said touched her, and not in the ways they usually would. They made her hot all over.

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On the Run “Take me,” she urged him on. “Fuck me.” She was saying all the words she had always dreamed of saying during the long lonely years without him. He leaned back to look into her eyes, his eyes were like volcanoes of fire and contained a violence that rocked her to the core. “Oh, I will,” he promised as pushed himself inside fast, swift and completely. She gasped and nearly went unconscious at the pain and thrill of having all those inches inside her at once. “By the time I’m done you are going to know what it’s liked to be fucked.” Then he pushed her against the wall and showed her. ~ Pam woke up the next morning in her bed, alone. They had agreed to sleep in separate rooms since they didn’t want to confuse Nathan. Nothing had really been settled yet, but Pam still had hope, especially since they hadn’t argued or fought the night before. She was also hoping that once Gary saw that she was trying to change, he would give her another chance to prove it. It was all she could hope for. She rolled out of the bed, groaning as all the aches and pains from all they had done the night before reared their ugly head. It didn’t matter. It was all worth it. “Mom!” Nate yelled from outside her door. “Mom, it’s Christmas!” She felt a jolt of guilt, realizing it was Christmas Day and she was thinking about having sex. She just hoped God would understand. She also realized that they hadn’t even thought about Nathan when they had been against the wall and could only be thankful he had been so tired. That’s when she realized how tired she was since Gary had kept her up most of the night. It was going to be a long day. “I’m coming,” she called out to Nathan. Suddenly she felt the old tingles of excitement she always got at Christmas and this one was even better since her whole

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Melanie Anderson family was together again. She couldn’t wait to get downstairs and grinned the whole time she got dressed. ~ “You did good.” Marie had come up behind Pam and laid her hand on her shoulder. They were watching Gary and Jack help Nathan drive his four-wheeler. The men were fighting about who would go first just like kids. “I hope so,” Pam murmured. She still had her doubts. “Pam, believe me, I of all people know how hard it was to let him have this. I think you’ve come a long way.” Pam turned to the older woman. “Well, what can we do? After all, Nathan is his father’s son.” Marie moved her shoulders. “Pam, I don’t want you to think it was easy for me to let Gary race, either. It drove me absolutely crazy. When Gary was little, they didn’t have as many safety devices as they have now. I thought I was going to have a heart attack every time he went out on the race track.” Pam could hardly hide her astonishment. “Why didn’t you ever tell me that?” She shrugged. “Because I knew how nervous you were already. If I told you, then you might think it meant I was on your side and what you were doing was right.” She pointed to the men and continued, “Look how happy they are. You’ve got to let them live their own lifes. And if racing is what they want, you have to let them do it. Otherwise they might resent you when they get older.” “True,” Pam reluctantly agreed. “But isn’t it up to us to ensure their safety, too?” “Yes, of course.” She turned to Pam. “That is why we supervise them and make sure they don’t try stupid stunts. Think of what could’ve happen when Nathan got older and started racing behind your back. It would probably be a lot worse than his racing with your support.” “You are right again. How come you are so smart?” Pam asked, putting her arm around her mother-in-law’s shoulders.

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On the Run “It’s age and wisdom,” Marie said wisely and then started laughing. “Or it could be just bullshit, who knows?” Pam couldn’t help laughing, too. “Let’s go check on our men.” She put her arm through Marie’s and they walked together to the men, who were still arguing over who would go first. ~ Later that night, Gary stood at Pam’s front door, trying to prepare himself to walk out again, but he wasn’t ready and didn’t think he would ever be. Pam looked just as sad at seeing him leave as he was to go. “I’m going to miss you,” she said quietly. His parents were in the living room with Nathan. They were coming to his house for awhile and he was leaving with them. He lightly skimmed his hands up her arms. “I’m going to miss you, too.” “I’m joining a support group for people with anxiety attacks. I’m hoping that will help with my therapy.” “That’s good.” He was having a hard time concentrating on what she was saying, thinking about all the lonely nights without her. “Yeah…well.” She seemed to be having a hard time thinking of what to say, too. “Drive safely.” “I’m not driving. Dad is.” “Oh, well.” She looked away; he could see tears in her eyes. “Make sure he drives safely.” He pulled her into a corner where they wouldn’t be seen from the living room and pulled her close, pressing her head against his chest. He closed his eyes, having a hard time breathing through the pain. “God, I’m going to miss you.” “I know,” her voice was muffled in his sweater. “I’m going to miss you, too. So much.” “I wish I could make love to you again.” He said it quietly so he wouldn’t be overhead. “Me, too,” she said just as quietly.

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Melanie Anderson “Argh…” he groaned. “This is hell.” “Promise me you’ll come back,” she whispered. “Promise me you aren’t giving up on me.” “I could never give up on you even if I tried,” he said sincerely, straight from the gut. “And believe me, I tried.” She gave a shaky laugh. “I have always loved you.” She looked up into his eyes, and what he saw there broke his heart. Her eyes were wet, with swirls of green and blue, and appealing as hell. She touched his face like a blind person trying to familiarize herself by touch alone. “Come home with me.” It was all he could think to say. “I can’t. I have things to do here and Nate will be going back to school soon. I wish I could.” “I know.” He did know, but it didn’t make it any easier to accept. “Okay, kiss me a goodbye,” she said, wrapping her arms around his neck. He leaned down to give her a passionate kiss filled with promises and sweet goodbyes that they were both breathing heavily when they finally broke apart. “Son, are you ready?” It was his father calling from the next room. He appreciated his parent’s tact at leaving them alone to say goodbye. He knew they were anxious to get home. Still looking in Pam’s eyes, he called back, “Yes, Dad I’m ready.” He traced Pam’s lips with his finger. “I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.” ~ The house seemed so empty after they left, especially with Nathan upstairs sleeping in his room. He had finally fallen asleep, but not before telling her how this was the best Christmas ever. “And Dad was here, too!” he had exclaimed happily when she was putting him to bed. She realized how much she had deprived him all the years she had lived in denial.

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On the Run Lizzie had called her at eleven o’clock that night. “Merry Christmas,” she whispered hoarsely. “Lizzie? Why are you calling me? Aren’t you on your honeymoon?” Pam was lying in bed with Gordon asleep on the pillow next to her. She had dragged the cat into her room, not wanting to be alone that night. “Yes, silly, I’m on my honeymoon.” Pam could hear rustling in the background. “Shawn’s asleep, so I thought I’d call and find out how your Christmas went. Did Santa leave you a nice big package?” “I think I should be asking you that question,” Pam said, smiling. “Well, we know I got a big package.” Lizzie giggled. “I’m asking you.” “None of your business,” Pam answered goodnaturally. “That’s for me to know.” “And for me find out,” Lizzie retorted. “Come on, Pam.” Pam heard a voice in the background, Shawn, of course, saying, “Just ask her if they did it.” Pam groaned and put her face in her hands, almost dropping the phone. “I hear Shawn is up now.” “In more ways than one.” Pam groaned again. “I really do not want to hear about this.” “Well, I do, Pam. So spill.” Pam just sat on the bed shaking her head. “Shawn and I are dying to know.” “Don’t you guys have your own love life to obsess over? Why are you guys worried about mine?” Pam could hear Lizzie say something to Shawn in a low voice, and then she heard her moving away. “Look, Pam,” she said finally, “I’m just worried about you.” “You don’t have to—” “Don’t give me that, Pam.” Lizzie sounded mad. “You know I’m always going to worry about you. Stop being so stubborn. Shawn worries about Gary, too. We both worry about you guys because we love you both.”

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Melanie Anderson “I’m sorry,” Pam said, tiredly. “Look, we are working it out, okay? I think we are getting closer, and this visit just helped a lot more. Okay?” “Okay,” Lizzie said on a sigh. “Don’t give me any details. I’ll just get them when I get home.” Pam shook her head. “Get back to your honeymoon.” “Okay, honey, goodnight.” “Goodnight.” “Bye.” “Oh Lizzie—” Pam waited until Lizzie said, “What?” “We did do it against the wall.” Pam smirked when she heard Lizzie start sputtering. “Bye.” She hung up; feeling satisfied that she got the last word in for a change.

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Chapter 31 Pam was sitting at her desk, trying to concentrate on her work. The holidays had been slow, but she still had a lot of work to make up from her vacation. Her first day back found her inbox overflowing and her voicemail full. It had taken her all morning to get through the hundreds of e-mails that were in her mailbox. Jessica, for some obscene reason, had chosen that moment to dump a lot of her own work on top of what Pam already had. It just served to reinforce that Pam was sick and tired of working in a dead end job. All she could think about lately was Gary and the days they’d spent together at Christmas. Everything inside of her just wanted to be with him. She had attended two support group meetings and they had been very helpful. It was reassuring hearing about other people’s panic attacks and their coping methods. Even more reassuring was finding out some of them were doing it without medicine, too. “Hi.” Pam looked up to see Bethany standing at the doorway to her cubicle, looking as professional as ever. “Hey, girl.” Pam stood up to give her friend a hug. “How are you? I missed you.” “I’m good. Um, I have some good news.” Bethany looked nervous. “What’s up?” Pam sat back down then motioned to the other chair in her cubicle watching as Bethany sat down. “Well… I got a promotion.” Bethany looked slightly uncomfortable. Unlike Pam, she had attended college and graduated. This job had been simply a stepping stone to her. Pam felt jealous for about three seconds then shook it away. “Congratulations!” She stood up. “This calls for a celebration. How about lunch?” “Sure.” Bethany said, still looking uncomfortable. “The promotion is to assistant manager and it means I have to go to the Tyson’s office.”

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Melanie Anderson They were in the Fair Oaks office and Tyson’s Corner was about a half an hour away. “Oh,” Pam tried to hide her disappointment. “But we can still get together,” Bethany said reassuringly, “I mean you will always be my friend.” Pam nodded. “Sure.” But she knew it would never be the same. She was used to jobs where people came and went. No matter how much she tried to keep up the relationships, they inevitably fell apart. “Well, do you want to go to lunch at one?” Bethany asked, standing up. “Sure,” Pam said, “sounds good.” Pam watched Bethany walk out of her cubicle. Without Bethany, this job would be just another job she had to suffer through everyday. She didn’t know what made her stay. But then again she did. Nathan. The voice inside her was telling her that all she had to do was go back with Gary and it would be all taken care of. But she knew that she wanted to be able to take care of herself first. You don’t have to give that up, Pam, the voice continued. Just let him help you. Do it together. Take care of each other. She shook her head, trying to get the voice to stop. She turned back to her computer and started entering data. She couldn’t afford to be distracted. She had work to do. Pam opened the door on Wednesday to see Lizzie there. “Pam!” she squealed and gave her a big hug. “I’ve missed you.” She rushed past Pam, leaving behind a cloud of Chanel. “Where’s Nathan?” She looked around. Pam closed the door. “It’s nice to see you, too.” She walked into the living room and sat down. “Sit down. Nathan’s upstairs.” Lizzie dropped down in the easy chair. “So… I see you got your furniture back.” “Yes, finally. It was hard eating dinner on the floor.” Pam smiled. “How was your honeymoon?”

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On the Run Lizzie sat back and closed her eyes. “It was wonderful. Shawn and I prowled around antique stores and flea markets and ate in some wonderful restaurants. Then we’d go back to the hotel room and, you know…” “Yes, I know,” Pam interrupted before Lizzie could elaborate. “So you had a great time. I’m glad.” Lizzie opened her eyes, leaning forward to look Pam in the eyes. “I don’t know how to thank you for allowing me to have my wedding in your house.” Pam waved her hand, dismissing Lizzie’s gratitude. “No problem.” “And I know how much of a hardship it was for you to be in the same house with Gary.” Lizzie moved her eyebrows suggestively. “I could see how much you wanted to kick him out.” Pam shook her head. “Lizzie…” “Pam…” Lizzie mocked. “So, are you going to tell me about the wall? Which wall was it?” Lizzie looked around like there would be some visible evidence of it. Pam wondered what she was looking for, a sign that said, “Gary and Pam did it here”? “Lizzie,” Pam began, “Gary and I are still working on our relationship…” “What are you waiting for? A sign from above?” Lizzie stood up and started pacing. “Pam, what you need to realize is life is short. While you’re sitting around trying to analyze everything, life is going by you. You’ve admitted yourself that you hate your job. I know for a fact that you don’t even really like this house.” Pam tried to interrupt but Lizzie wouldn’t let her. “And all you’ve ever wanted was Gary. Admit it. And once you do that, go to him. Take a chance.” “I know. I admit it,” Pam said, stopping Lizzie in her tracks. “Believe me, I know what you are saying. And I’m this close to doing it.” Her thumb and pointer finger together, she showed her. Then she stood up to go near

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Melanie Anderson Lizzie. “But I just can’t jump up and leave. I have responsibilities to my employer and to my son.” “But Pam,” Lizzie pleaded, grabbing both of Pam’s hands. “When are you going to be ready? When Nathan’s out of school? It could be too late.” “What do you mean ‘it could be too late’?” Pam asked, “Do you know something?” Lizzie looked away. “No.” Pam moved her head to look into Lizzie’s eyes. “You know something.” Lizzie shook her head. “Yes, you do.” Lizzie walked away. “Well…” Pam sat back down. “What is it?” She looked uncomfortable. “Shawn’s been talking about Gary making big changes in his racing career.” “What changes?” Pam asked again, louder. “What changes, Lizzie?” “I don’t know.” When Pam looked doubtful, Lizzie asserted, “I really don’t know.” “So, it could be nothing,” Pam said, trying to reassure them both. “It could be something small.” “True,” Lizzie said, “But it has Shawn worried.” Nathan and his dog coming down the steps interrupted them. “Aunt Lizzie!” he cried, running to jump in her lap. “Hey, little buddy. How are you?” Lizzie stroked Nathan’s hair. “How was your Christmas?” “It was awesome.” Nathan said, his voice rising, “I got some PlayStation 2 games and some more Lego’s and guess what?” Nathan didn’t give Lizzie a chance to answer. “I got a four-wheeler.” Lizzie’s eyebrows shot up as she turned her head to Pam. “Really?” “Yep. Santa brought it for me. Do you want to see it?” He jumped up and started pulling Lizzie’s hand. “Come on, Aunt Lizzie.” “Slow down, boy, I’m coming.” She turned back to Pam, “Are you coming, too?”

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On the Run “No, you two go on ahead. I’m just going to start making dinner.” Lizzie gave Pam a strange look before going outside with Nathan. Pam walked into the kitchen, opened the refrigerator, staring into it blindly. What kind of changes was Gary thinking of making? She asked herself. What did it mean? She knew she would never find the answers until she talked to him. She closed the refrigerator and walked back into the living room. Picking up the phone, she tried calling his number, but no one answered. She thought about leaving a message, but decided not to. This was just too important. ~ Gary stood at the window of his hotel room, but wasn’t looking at the view. He was in Daytona on a publicity junket, but his heart was still in Virginia with his family. He felt like his time was running out to get closer to her and couldn’t imagine his second child being born without him there. “Are you sure about this, Gary?” Shawn’s voice interrupted his thoughts. “This is a big decision.” “Tyler said it would be for the best,” he answered impatiently. He had gone round and round with Shawn on this issue and he wasn’t going to do it again. “Okay,” Shawn finally said. “But, man, you should really think about it again.” He walked out the door. Gary was so distracted with thoughts of Pam that he barely acknowledged him leaving. All these racing issues no longer interested him like they used to. All his instincts were screaming at him to get his ass back to Virginia and hog-tie Pam to him forever, but first he had to take care of some unfinished business. After he got through the press conference, he would go back, but until then he had to wait. He hated to wait. ~ On Friday the department had had a party for Bethany’s big promotion and Pam had attended, forcing

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Melanie Anderson herself to look happy for her friend’s good fortune. But afterwards she had hidden in the ladies room and bawled her eyes out. She was feeling a restlessness inside her. The night before at her support group, she had tried to explain it to them but it hadn’t come out right. They had suggested taking deep breaths or distract herself by taking a hot bath or playing with Nathan. She had dismissed most of their suggestions except for the one about Nathan. She had driven his four-wheeler around her property as fast she could, enjoying the wind whipping through her hair and watching the world go by in a blur. It had helped drive some of the frustration from her system, but not all of it. Sometimes she just wanted to get up from her desk and run screaming down the hall or smack the smug look on Jessica’s face right off. She had been such a bitch since she had gotten back from vacation. She was unsympathetic to her problems and basically just a pain in the ass. Pam jumped when her phone rang. “Hello?” Distracted as she was, she forgot to give her standard business address. “It’s Lizzie.” “Hey.” Pam wasn’t in the mood to talk to her friend but knew she couldn’t blow her off. “What’s up?” “Pam.” Lizzie’s voice sounded frantic. “Pam,” she repeated, “You have to do something.” “About what?” Pam’s heart was starting to beat faster in response to Lizzie’s panic. “Gary.” “What about him?” “I don’t know for sure, but Shawn says he has some kind of big press conference today.” She paused while Pam waited impatiently for her to go on. “He’s making his big decision today.” “What decision?” Pam still didn’t know what Lizzie was talking about. “You mentioned this the other day but I’m not sure what this has to do with me.”

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On the Run “I still don’t know, Shawn won’t tell me.” Pam heard her take a deep breath. “I think he’s going to quit racing.” “What?” Pam’s heart skipped a beat. “Why do you think that?” “It’s just an instinct, but they’ve been so hush-hush about it. They won’t tell me anything and Shawn says Gary’s been distracted.” “Where are they?” “They just got back to North Carolina last night. They’re at Tyler’s shop. The press conference is this evening at five.” Pam looked at the clock; it was only nine. “I wonder if I can get there in time,” Pam thought out loud. “For what?” Lizzie asked. “What do you think? I’m not going to let Gary quit racing. This could be about me. Maybe he thinks that quitting racing will get me back. Who knows?” Now Lizzie was starting to sound doubtful. “I don’t know, Pam. It could be something else. Or maybe Tyler’s firing him. I don’t know if this is a good idea.” Pam wasn’t listening anymore. Her mind was just thinking about how she was going to get down to North Carolina in time. “I think I can make it.” “Pam.” Lizzie’s voice was firm. “I said, this might not be a good idea. I could be wrong. I don’t want you to go down and find out it’s nothing.” “But it could be everything, Lizzie.” Pam stood up at her desk. “Can you go over to my house and watch Nathan?” “Sure, but Pam…” Pam interrupted before Lizzie could continue. “Thanks honey, you are a life saver.” She hung up before Lizzie could say anything else, then called the number of her travel agent, the same woman she had used back in the days when she was married to Gary. When Pam mentioned that she wanted to be in North Carolina by five o’clock, she was all too happy

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Melanie Anderson to oblige and by the time Pam hung up, she had a ticket on the 10:30 flight. Pam was sitting in Jessica’s office asking herself if she was having a bad dream while wondering why she didn’t expect trouble from her boss who had always been a pain in the ass. “Pam, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can authorize you leaving early today.” Jessica sat back in her chair and gave her the same superior look she had been giving her for months now. Pam hated it. “But I told you that this was a family emergency.” Jessica studied her manicured nails., “Frankly my dear, you seem to be having a lot of family emergencies lately.” “Are you trying to tell me that you think I’m faking it?” Pam’s voice held her astonishment. “You know that I was attacked because it was in the newspaper and the police called you. The week I took off for Christmas was approved months in advance by you. What other ‘emergency’ are you talking about?” “Well you also told me you are pregnant, which leads me to believe you will be taking a lot more days off for that, too.” “Are you saying it’s against policy to become pregnant, too?” Pam stood up and towered over her manager, no longer caring what Jessica thought of her “What about when you take off work for your manicure appointment or to get your haircut? Somehow I don’t think that exactly constitutes an emergency, either.” Pam’s voice was dripping sarcasm. “You’ve stepped over the line.” Jessica stood up, too, her mouth in a thin line. “I’m your manager and I decide when you can take off.” She sneered at Pam, looking her over, her face showing bitterness. “People like you think you can just come and go and do what you please.” “People like me?” Pam asked. “What exactly does that mean?”

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On the Run “White trash people is what I’m talking about.” Jessica’s voice was getting louder and louder. Unfortunately for her, she had not told Pam to close the door, so small groups of people were gathering in the hall. “You people go around having sex with anybody who offers and have children all the time and expect us to say it’s okay. People like me, who actually close our legs, always have to cover for you. Well I for one have had enough of it. You are nothing but trash and I’m putting my foot down now.” “Oh, you are, are you?” Pam’s voice had gotten quiet. “I see.” She picked up her purse. “Well, luckily for you, you won’t have to worry about ‘people like me’, because I quit.” “Fine, but you have to give two weeks notice or you won’t get a good recommendation.” “You know what, Jessica? I don’t want anything from you. Once I walk out that door, I never want to see you again. I don’t need your recommendation. I would rather eat dirt.” Pam turned around and walked to the door, pausing when she saw Mr. Henderson, head of their department, standing at the door with his arms across his chest. She put her chin up in the air. “Good bye, Mr. Henderson.” She started to walk out, but stopped and turned around to look at Jessica who was standing behind her desk, her face white, staring at Mr. Henderson. “Oh, Jessica…” When Jessica turned to look at her, she said, “The reason your legs are closed is probably because nobody would want to fuck a frigid bitch like yourself.” She walked out the door proudly, her head held high. She felt like Bridget in Bridget Jones’ Diary. She had stood up to the boss and was leaving with her dignity intact. She went back to her desk and saw Bethany waiting for her. “Did you hear?” “Yes,” Bethany said.

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Melanie Anderson “Well, are you disappointed in me?” Pam asked, hating herself because she cared. She really liked Bethany and valued her opinion. Bethany looked at Pam for about thirty seconds without saying a word, then a big smile crossed her face, “Hell no, girl. I’m proud of you. Finally someone stood up to that witch. She’s been terrorizing women for years.” Pam smiled, relieved. “Well, I guess I no longer have a job.” She started picking up her pictures of Nathan and putting them in her bag. “No, I guess you don’t.” Bethany picked up a clay paperweight Nathan had made in school and handed it to Pam. “Well, what are you going to do now?” Pam stopped fiddling with her stuff and looked at her watch. She looked back at Bethany and felt a big grin spread across her face. “I’m going to North Carolina to get my man.” Bethany smiled back and started laughing. “You go girl.” They gave each other high-fives. Pam was in a hurry now, standing at the elevator hopping from foot to foot. “Come on, come on,” she muttered. “Ms. Foster.” Pam stopped hopping and looked over at Mr. Henderson, who was walking down the hall to her. “I need to talk to you.” “I’m sorry, Mr. Henderson, but I’m in a hurry. I have a plane to catch.” “This will only take a minute.” “Alright.” Pam tried not to let her impatience show. “I want to personally apologize for Ms. Smith’s behavior.” Pam didn’t want to talk about Jessica. “Really Mr. Henderson, that’s not necessary…” Pam started to say. “Oh, I think it is.” Mr. Henderson looked uncomfortable. “Ms. Foster…” he paused, “can I call you Pam?”

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On the Run “Of course.” “If you need a recommendation, just give them my name.” He reached into his suit jacket, pulling out his business card. “This is nothing personal, I just know that you were a damn good worker and you deserve it. I can guarantee that Ms. Smith will be properly reprimanded for the way she treated you. Believe me.” The elevator doors opened and she stepped on. Turning around, she looked at him one last time. “Thanks,” she whispered as the doors closed. She should’ve told off her boss a long time ago. ~ “Are you ready for the press conference?” Shawn asked Gary. “We need to leave soon, you know.” “Yes, I know,” Gary said, throwing paper balls at the trashcan. Gary hated press conferences. Shawn’s cell phone rang. “Hello.” Gary continued to sit at his desk while Shawn talked. “Lizzie?” Shawn was practically shouting in the phone. “I can’t hear you honey. What about Pam?” Gary looked up as Shawn continued to yell in his phone. “Honey, you’re breaking up.” “Shit.” Shawn muttered, pressing the off button on his phone. “Cell phones suck.” “What was she saying about Pam?” “I don’t know man. I couldn’t hear her.” Shawn shrugged. “It probably wasn’t important.” “True.” Gary said. “Or Pam would have called me directly.” His phone hadn’t rung all morning. Shawn shrugged. “Maybe they went shopping or something.” They both stared at each other for a couple minutes until Gary finally stood up. “I’ll try to call Pam in a little while. She’s probably at work now anyway. Let’s go to Tyler’s and get this over with.” As Gary followed Shawn out the door, he couldn’t get over the bad feeling crawling up his neck. He wasn’t sure

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Melanie Anderson if it was a premonition or what, but he just felt like something was wrong. He thought of walking back in and calling Pam himself, but decided that it could wait. “It’s probably nothing,” he said again when he got in the truck with Shawn. He wasn’t sure if he was trying to persuade Shawn or himself. ~ Pam walked into the airport just in time to make her flight. On the drive there, she had thought she was going to have another panic attack, but she had managed to talk herself out of it. Her heart was still beating a mile a minute, but that could just be old-fashioned nervousness causing it this time. It wasn’t every day that she planned on crashing a press conference. She knew she wouldn’t get there in time to talk to Gary before the conference. She just hoped she did get there in time to stop Gary from making an announcement that they would all regret for the rest of their lives.

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Chapter 32 Pam arrived at Tyler’s shop fifteen minutes into the press conference. The manager of the office looked surprised to see her, but allowed her in. She stood at the double doors to the conference room taking deep breaths, knowing it was do or die time. The next couple of minutes could mean the rest of her life. She pushed the doors opened, shouting, “No!” The whole room turned at once to stare at her standing in the back of the room. Cameras quickly turned from the front of the room where Gary, Tyler, Shawn and the rest of the team were sitting. Flashes started going off, momentarily blinding Pam, but she pressed on determined. She walked up to the front of the room. “I won’t let you quit racing!” Gasps went up around the room. Gary stood up, looking stunned. “Pam, honey…” He tried to interrupt, but she put up a silencing hand. “No, let me finish.” He closed his mouth, opened it to say something, and must have thought better of it before motioning her to continue. She looked into those gray eyes and spoke straight from the heart, ignoring the hundreds of eyes staring at them. “Gary, I won’t let you do this. I won’t let you quit racing. I don’t know if you are doing this for me or for you or if Tyler wants you to do this, but it’s a mistake. You love racing; it’s everything to you. I know that I haven’t been very good at supporting you and I might not have told you how proud I am of you. Maybe I was jealous that you had the nerve to do whatever it took to make your dreams come true, while I just sat on the sidelines and watched the world go by me.” She stopped to take a breath and noticed that the room had grown so silent, you could hear a pin drop. She had everybody’s total attention. She felt the nerves try to take over, but she pushed them away.

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Melanie Anderson “I love you.” She stopped to look him dead in the eyes, determined to drive that home. “I don’t care anymore about my panic attacks or being near my family or that damned house. I only care about you. I can be a selfish person, but I’m ready to change. I’m ready to do whatever it takes to get back together with you.” “Pam, you don’t have to…” Pam held up her hand. “No, Gary, don’t make excuses; I know the kind of person I am.” She turned away staring blindly into the cameras and at the members of the press. She felt the tears well up in her eyes and realized she had never opened herself up this way. She had always held part of herself back, worried about what other people thought of her. She felt all the pain from the years she had been in denial come out in a tidal wave of words. “Gary, you have to take me back, you have to give me another chance. You can’t quit racing and you can’t quit me. I want you, I need you, I don’t think I could go on another day without you. I want you to be there for the baby and for Nathan…” She broke off, sobbing, “I just can’t take it anymore… Being alone…” She turned back to him, falling down to her knees in front of him in pain, not physical pain, just mental anguish. Her chest hurt from the sobs she had been holding in. She couldn’t believe she was doing this in front of other people but she was past the point of caring. It was just coming out now and there was no way to stop it. She was on her hands and knees in front of Gary and in front of the whole world and she didn’t care. “Please…” ~ Gary could feel his heart shattering into a million pieces. He didn’t know what had made Pam think he would quit racing and it ripped him in half seeing her break down like this in front of everybody. He shot up out of his chair and ran to her. He pulled her up off the floor—God how that killed him, and held her tight. She was as limp as a rag doll. His voice was hoarse when he

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On the Run spoke, “Pam, what are you doing? Why are you breaking my heart like this? Why did you think I was quitting racing?” “You’re not?” The cameras were still rolling and he wanted to break them for filming a moment this personal but he had to deal with Pam first. “No, honey. I signed a contract extension with Tyler Jones. That’s why we are having this press conference. There had been rumors that other owners were talking to me and we wanted to put them all to rest.” He looked around, noticing that everybody was watching them like it was some kind of damn soap opera. “I don’t care, Gary.” His eyes went back to hers. “I really don’t. Everything I said still stands. I really don’t think I can live like this anymore.” “No, honey, you don’t have to.” He tried to put his arm around her to pull her out of the room, but she jerked away. “No, I’m not leaving until you understand this. Until everybody,” she motioned widely with her arms, “understands, and that includes the whole world. They were there in the beginning and they are here now. I want everybody to know that I’m a hundred percent committed to you this time. I was a terrible wife and I know it. But that all changes now.” “Pam…” He tried again, determined to stop her from humiliating herself this way. “There really is no need for this. I wasn’t exactly husband of the year material myself.” “Yes, yes you were,” she insisted. “You were everything you could possibly be. You offered me my dreams and I just threw them away.” “Pam,” he said firmly, determined to end it right then. “Let’s talk about this later.” “No.” Gary was getting really tired of hearing her say that word. “I want you to know that I quit my job.” “You did what?”

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Melanie Anderson Her bottom lip stuck out and she got that determined look on her face, which he had seen so rarely. “Yes, well, after I told my boss she was a frigid bitch.” Some people in the room started laughing. “You called her what?” Gary was having a hard time comprehending what she was saying. He felt like a steamroller was going over him. “A frigid bitch, but that doesn’t matter. It’s not the point.” “Well, can you please get to the point?” She was trying to kill him; he knew that now. First she made him want to cry, and now she was making him want to shake her until she spit out whatever she was trying to say. “Here is the point,” she said quietly and walked over to him to put her hands on the side of his face and look deep into his eyes. “You are everything to me. I love you and I want to be with you. I would do this all over again, humiliate myself hundreds of times, if that meant I could be with you.” Her voice was quiet and out of the corner of his eye he could see everybody in the audience lean forward to hear her. He looked down and whispered, “And what I’ve been trying to tell you, but you are too stubborn to hear, is that you don’t have to do that, Pam. I’m already yours. Always have been, since the day I met you at that party. You just thought I let you go.” He brushed a lock of her hair from her eyes, and leaned closer until their lips were inches apart. “I could never get over you, and Lord knows I tried. But it was no use. You are my soul mate, the mother of my children. If you hadn’t come here today, I was planning on getting you myself.” His eyes roamed over her face, “Now the whole world knows you are mine. Again. And always.” Then he took what should have always been his, kissing her with all his soul, and shattering all doubts in everybody’s mind as to whom she belonged. The kiss was possessive and passionate, wild and never-ending. He

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On the Run forgot about the cameras and simply focused on the woman he had finally gotten back. ~ Later on that evening, Pam was sitting up in Gary’s bed with his head in her lap watching the news and since they were in racing country, their story was on a lot. Gary pulled her head down to kiss her so that she forgot about the television and just sank into the kiss. After their kiss, Tyler had wrapped up the press conference and they had driven to Gary’s house. But in their impatience to be together again, they hadn’t been able to wait and ended up doing it in the back seat of her rental car, on a dead end rural road, of course. She had insisted, since she really didn’t want to see naked pictures of herself splashed all over some tabloid. Then they had driven the rest of the way to his house and started all over again. She barely had a chance to introduce herself to Anne before Gary had dragged her up the steps. Now, two hours later, they were still in bed. “I can’t believe you finally get to see our house,” Gary said when the kiss finally ended. He stroked her thigh, then laid his head on it. “It’s like a dream,” he mumbled. “Well, technically I’ve only seen the foyer, the steps and your bedroom,” Pam teased him, running her fingers though his hair. He lifted up his head. “Do you want the tour?” She shook her head. “No, not right now. I just want to enjoy this moment.” “It is pretty sweet.” He touched her face. “I still can’t believe you did that.” “Me, neither.” She smiled. “I guess I just panicked at the thought you were going to quit racing.” “Why did you think that?” Gary pulled her down until they were both lying down facing each other. He started playing with her hair. “Hmm?”

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Melanie Anderson “Lizzie.” She giggled. “She got this idea in her head that because you were making ‘an important decision’, that meant you were quitting.” He shook his head. “I should’ve known Lizzie would have something to do with this. She tried to call Shawn before we left for the press conference but their connection was bad. I think she was trying to warn us.” “Probably…” She stopped talking because Gary had pulled her closer to kiss her until she felt something prodding her. She pulled back to whisper, “Is that a microphone or are you happy to see me?” He didn’t answer because he was too busy showing her. ~ Hours later, Gary was standing in his bathroom brushing his teeth while Pam was in the shower. He had offered to help her but she had refused, saying she actually wanted to take a shower. He had shrugged. He hadn’t planned on doing anything. Maybe… He still couldn’t believe she was here. He couldn’t imagine what it had taken her to do what she had done. To him, talking to the press had become second nature, but she had always avoided it, even when they were married. For her to go in front of the whole world like that and let it all out must have taken guts. He didn’t even want to let her go home long enough to get her stuff. She didn’t know it yet, but he was going with her and not letting her out of his sight until she was ready to come back. The only thing he could say he honestly regretted was taking Nate out of his school and away from his friends, but he hoped that in time having both parents together would make up for it. He watched her get out of the shower, wearing only a towel. She took one look at him. “No.” “No, what?” He gave her an innocent look.

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On the Run “I just took a shower and I’m hungry.” She moved to walk past him, but he grabbed her arm. “Oh, come on. I could make it quick.” She laughed. “I’m sure you could.” “Hey.” He tried to sound offended. “Gary, I really want to eat now.” “So do I.” “Gary,” she said slowly. “Get your mind out of the gutter.” They could have gone on like that forever if Anne hadn’t spoken though the door. “Mr. Foster.” Gary rolled his eyes. “Yes?” “You have company.” His eyes met Pam’s when he asked, “Who is it?” “It’s Mr. and Mrs. Lawson and your son.” “Nathan?” Pam ran into the bedroom. “Thanks, Anne,” Gary said, turning to watch Pam getting dressed. “There goes the honeymoon.” She smiled at him. “We will have a new one when we get married again.” His heart stopped for a moment. When he trusted himself to speak, he asked, “So, we are going to get married again?” “Of course we are,” she said absently from under the bed. She stood up with her bra in her hand and turned to him. “Silly. What did you think all that meant?” He walked over to her and stopped her in the middle of putting her bra on. “I know, but it felt good hearing you say it.” She stretched up and put her arms around his neck, the bra dangling down his back. “This time it’s forever.” She kissed him, and he felt everything click into place. ~ They walked downstairs together, holding hands. Lizzie and Shawn were standing in Gary’s study watching the news about them. “Hello,” Pam said.

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Melanie Anderson Lizzie turned around and launched herself at Pam. “Oh, honey, I saw the news conference and it made me cry.” She pulled away, tears coming out of her eyes. “And Gary, oh my God.” She reached up and hugged him, too. Shawn was rolling his eyes. “Come here, my little drama queen, and give them some air.” Lizzie went from Gary to Shawn. “Look, Shawn, they are holding hands.” She started sniffing some more. “Where’s Nathan?” Pam asked. “In his room.” Lizzie said, “He went up there right away.” “Did he see the press conference?” Pam sat down on the couch. Even though she had never been in his house—their house, Gary thought—she looked like she belonged there. “Parts of it.” Lizzie sat down next to her. “I don’t think he realized what it meant.” “Yeah.” Pam said, “I guess not. When did you guys come down?” “Well, when I couldn’t get hold of Shawn, I booked two tickets for me and Nathan.” She shook her finger at Pam’s nose. “You thought you were going to have all the fun and leave me behind. Not a chance.” Nathan walked down the steps and yelled, “Dad!” He ran in the room. Gary held him tight, knowing that from now on they would be together forever. “Hey, what about me?” Pam said from the couch. Nathan pulled away from Gary and ran to his mother. “Hey butt head,” she said affectionately, “don’t you have school?” Gary watched as she gave Lizzie a dirty look. “Yeah, well. I thought this was more important.” Lizzie said. “It’s okay, Mom.” He patted her face. “Tomorrow’s Saturday.” “Oh, is it?” She hugged Nathan to her. “I guess it is.” She looked at Gary and he walked over to them.

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On the Run “Hey, dude, what would you think of me and your mom getting married again?” Gary looked at Pam. He could hear Lizzie starting to sniffle again. “Aww.” Lizzie said, “You’re getting married again.” He was still looking at Pam. “Yes, we are.” “Cool.” He started jumping on the couch. “Mom and Dad are getting married.” “Okay, little man, calm down.” He went to grab Nathan and noticed Pam holding her stomach with a strange look on her face. “Gary,” she whispered. “I think the baby moved.” “What?” “It was just a flutter.” She took his hand and put it on her stomach. He was disappointed when he didn’t feel anything. “I think Nathan got him all excited.” She looked up at Nathan who was standing above her, looking baffled. She drew him down and laid his hand on her stomach. Gary looked down at Pam’s stomach and noticed that all their hands were on her stomach. “Look we’re a family.” Nathan said. “Me, you, Daddy and the baby.” “That’s right,” she said, smiling at Gary. “We are a family.” ~ That night they put Nathan to bed together. It had been a long time, and she could tell it meant as much to Gary as it did to her. They walked into Gary’s bedroom together. Shawn and Lizzie were staying in another bedroom in the house. Pam had insisted they stay and have a toast with them. Even though Pam couldn’t drink, she had enjoyed her friends’ excitement. Now Pam stood in the bedroom, too tired to think of going to bed. It had been such a long and emotional day, she was starting to feel numb by it all. Gary walked up

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Melanie Anderson behind her and wrapped her in his arms like a warm blanket. “What’s wrong, baby?” he whispered. “I don’t know what to do,” she whispered back, starting to shake. “I think it’s all starting to hit me.” He turned her around and hugged her. “Leave it to me, I’ll take care of you.” He picked her up and laid her down gently in his bed undressing her and putting one of his T-shirts over her head. It felt good to have someone take care of her for a change. He turned her over and started massaging her back. “Ahh…” She moaned blissfully. “That feels great.” “Well, it’s the least I can do after you flew all the way down here by yourself to stop me from making a mistake.” She chuckled, feeling sleepy. “Well, I thought you were.” He continued to rub her, moving to her legs. “So, what was this about your boss?” “Oh, yeah, Jessica. That bitch. She started accusing me of being white trash, basically implying I was a slut.” She felt his hands go stiff, before he started up again. “And you called her a frigid bitch?” he asked. “Well, those weren’t my exact words. She had acted like she was so much better than me because ‘she kept her legs shut’ so I said…” Pam stopped for a moment; Gary had moved to her feet now and it was sending shock waves up and down her body. “What did you say?” Gary prompted. “I said the reason she wasn’t getting any was because no one would want to fuck a frigid bitch like her.” Gary stopped to let out a roar of laughter. “You didn’t,” he said, still laughing. “Yes, I did.” She was pouting because he had stopped and she missed his hands. “It shut her up.” “I guess it would.” Gary started massaging her again, this time her shoulders, and she closed her eyes. “So what else happened?”

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On the Run Pam explained about how Mr. Henderson had offered to give her a recommendation and when she was finished, they were both quiet for a few minutes. She broke the silence when she asked. “Will you go to therapy with me?” He looked at her for a beat. “Is that what you want me to do?” “Yes.” She held her breath. She knew Gary had never liked going to shrinks. “Then yes, I will.” He leaned down and kissed her, then pulled away. “I would do anything for you,” he whispered. “I don’t deserve you,” she said, running her hands though his hair. “How could I have let you go?” “I don’t know, but please don’t do it again.” He held her face in his hands, his eyes hot and passionate, insecurity coming out in his voice. “I don’t think I could live through losing you again.” “I won’t.” She said, “I feel the same way.” He kissed her again, this time more deeply, as he laid himself over her. They kissed for what seemed like hours until Pam was writhing beneath him on the bed. He pulled himself up and positioned himself between her legs, his erection slightly inside her. “You’re mine,” he said, his voice fierce with possession and passion. “Yes, and you are mine,” her voice a mere whisper in the silent room. “Forever.” He entered her roughly, fully and totally and she arched back, flying to the moon and above. “Forever,” she muttered again and again until his voice joined in and they held each other in the darkness until they came to completion. “I love you.” He whispered. “I love you, too,” she whispered, holding him tighter too her, feeling her baby fluttering around in her womb. She was totally complete for the first time in her life. Nathan was right. They were a family.

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Melanie Anderson Epilogue One year later. It was Tuesday and Pam was at her support group meeting. She had decided this would her night to share. She hadn’t been able to share in a while, as busy as she had been with her new life. Adjusting to new routines. “Pam, did you want to share?” It was Cathy, the leader of the meeting. “Yes, I do.” She stood up, although she didn’t have to. It was an informal group and you could stand up, sit down, and even lay down if it was too much for you. “We’ve been adjusting to life in North Carolina. Nathan’s been doing well in his new school even though he misses his old friends.” She stopped for a moment, taking a sip of her decaffeinated coffee. “As you know, it was really hard on me and I worried about Nathan more than anything.” “Have you had any more panic attacks?” This was Jenny, her close friend. “Not as bad as the one I had when I thought I was going into false labor. You know how awful that one was.” She had been rushed to the hospital and put on all kind of monitors, but the doctors had told her she was merely having a panic attack, a bad one, and had sent her home. “Yeah,” Jenny agreed, “that was bad.” “Well, this one was minor. And I did my deep breathing exercises and called Gary. He was in Las Vegas and even offered to come back, but I couldn’t let him do that. Just the thought of him worrying about me made it better. And then he talked dirty to me until I got over it.” The rest of the group laughed. They all knew Gary; he had come to a couple of meetings with Pam. “How’s Nicholas doing?” This was Matthew, the only guy in their small group. “Oh, he’s doing well, growing like a weed.” Nicholas Shawn had been born at 2:30 in the morning on August twenty-fifth. Luckily this time it was on a Tuesday and

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On the Run Gary hadn’t been racing, so he had been there the whole time. “Any more panic attacks about him?” Jenny asked. “Well, not since the one I had when I thought he wasn’t breathing. I can still remember standing over him, almost passing out until Gary came in. He just assured me that Nicky was doing fine and helped me breathe until I realized he was right.” “And the therapy? How’s that going?” Cathy asked. “Oh, that’s going well, too. Gary’s been a really good sport. I’m finally realizing that I need to open up to Gary and tell him any problems I have so we can work them out together. We are learning to communicate with each other.” Everybody in the group nodded. They all had the same problems and understood her completely. “Everything is going so well that I have to admit sometimes I get worried that it’s all going to end tomorrow. I’m really trying to live a day at a time but sometimes it’s hard. I can’t help but worry about what’s going to happen next. When Nathan’s out racing midget cars or Gary’s out on the racetrack and gets in an accident. I’ve tried to modify my behavior and tell myself that I can’t control what happens in my life. Of course, that’s always easier said than done.” She laughed a shaky laugh. “But it gets better everyday.” ~ At 10:30 that night, she walked into her quiet house and stopped for a moment. Gary was home for a couple of days, and he must have put the kids to sleep. Anne was somewhere around, probably sneaking into Carlo’s apartment. Everybody knew they were sleeping together, but didn’t say anything. Let them think they were keeping it secret. She walked up the steps into her son’s room. Nathan was lying in his bed, facing the wall. She looked around at the posters of racecar drivers, his father being the

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Melanie Anderson dominant theme. There were also pictures of Nathan winning the midget car finals. Gary had been so proud as he held Nathan on his shoulders and while Pam had been there, too, she wasn’t quite as ecstatic as Gary. She had faked it for Nathan’s sake, but her heart had been in her throat the whole time. She was trying. She smoothed back his hair and kissed him softly on the cheek. She walked out of the room into the room next to his. This room was also decorated with racecars, but they were in primary colors in the wallpaper and the crib. She walked over and looked down at her little man in his crib. When he was awake, his eyes were still blue, but she privately hoped they were changing to hazel. He had very little hair, but what he did have was light, almost blonde. She was impatient to see what he would look like when he was older, but at the same time she didn’t want him to grow up too fast. Pam pushed down the railing and leaned in close to smell that wonderful baby smell. It reminded her of that mysterious new car smell; you couldn’t describe it but would recognize it anywhere. She kissed him on the head and watched as his lips started sucking at nothing, then went still. She itched to wake him up but knew she would regret it. He would be awake in a couple hours, anyway. Putting the railing back up, she walked through the door they had put in to connect Nicky’s room to their bedroom. She walked in and saw Gary sitting up in bed with no shirt on, his glasses on, reading some paperwork. . He looked incredibly sexy and she smiled just seeing him there. He looked up, his eyes crinkling, “Hey. I didn’t know you were here.” She shrugged and walked over to her dresser. “I just got here.”

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On the Run “How was the meeting?” He pulled off his glasses and put the papers aside. “Fine. I shared tonight.” She pulled out a nightgown and pulled her sweatshirt over her head. “I think it helped.” She threw the sweatshirt towards their clothes hamper and looked at Gary. She recognized the look of lust in his eyes and felt the same familiar thrill she always did. “Lizzie called,” he said, still looking her up and down. She pulled off her pants and smiled at him. He was practically drooling. “What did she want?” “Huh?” he asked, his eyes glazing over as she put lotion on her legs. She was doing it deliberately, trying to drive him wild. “Lizzie? What did she want?” she prompted. She watched as he purposely tore his eyes from her and tried to focus, “Oh she went to the doctor today.” “Really? How is she?” She stopped putting lotion on and started brushing her hair. She didn’t need to, but it was all part of her seduction. “Umm…” he mumbled watching her. “Uh, oh yeah, she said the baby is doing fine.” Lizzie was five months pregnant and bubbling over with excitement. She had made Pam go shopping with her for maternity clothes and practically bought out the store. She was jumping into the maternity thing with both hands and Pam enjoyed her enthusiasm. “That’s good,” she said. “I’m glad she’s doing well and the baby’s fine. How’s Shawn doing?” Unlike Lizzie, Shawn was a nervous wreck, afraid the baby would turn out ugly like him. To which Lizzie would smack him on the side of the head and say he wasn’t ugly, just lived in. They were great together, and Pam loved seeing Lizzie so happy. “I don’t know.” Gary said, his eyes still a little distracted. “The same as always, nervous.” Pam stopped

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Melanie Anderson brushing her hair and slowly took off her bra and slid into her nightgown. She walked over to the side of the bed and sat down. Gary moved over for her to get in, but she still sat there, smiling at him. He looked very distracted, just as Pam liked him. She started running her finger up the blanket where she knew his leg was. She tried to keep her voice innocent as she asked, “When do you have to go to Atlanta?” His eyes followed her finger as it got closer and closer to where he was starting to tent the blanket. He looked back at her. “I have to leave on Thursday.” “Oh.” Her breathing was starting to come quicker. This wasn’t a panic attack; it was a lust attack. He moved his hand under her chin and pushed it up until they were eye to eye. “Are you doing this on purpose?” “What?” she asked innocently, too innocently. Because he started smiling when he said, “Yes, you are.” His hand moved to her breast, which were still heavy with milk. The nipples were already starting to pucker up as he moved his finger over them. He pulled her nightgown over her head. Now the positions were reserved, and the seducer was becoming seduced. He pulled her down so that his lips could meet hers and her breasts hung over him. “How long do you think we have?” he whispered hoarsely. He was plucking at her nipples and she couldn’t think. “I don’t know.” Gary positioned her so that she was straddling him. “Maybe an half an hour.” “No,” he whispered, pulling down her underwear. “How long until we can have another baby.” Her eyes popped open. “What?” she asked. “I want another baby,” he said, his breathing coming faster and faster. “With you.” “We have to wait until Nicky’s at least a year old,” she mumbled. He was stroking her in all the right places and she couldn’t think.

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On the Run “Too long,” he said, putting his finger inside her. She started squirming around. “Well, at least until I wean him.” She was grinding against him, impatient. “Okay,” he said, pulling her closer until his lips could reach her breasts, pulling a nipple in to suck vigorously, driving Pam out of her mind. “But that’s it.” “Whatever.” She whispered, pulling down his briefs, pulling him out, and positioning herself over him. Now it Gary’s turn to arch his back and groan, trying to push himself inside her. She slowly sunk down on him inch by inch. “But this time I want a girl,” she said. “Whatever you say,” he gritted out. “I’ll try my best.” She pulled out all the way and started laughing. “How are you going to do that? Wear a dress?” He opened his eyes and gave her a look full of frustration. “Whatever it takes, now fuck me, damn it.” She smiled at him. “Whatever you say, Mr. Foster. You’re the boss.” She sunk down totally, feeling him slide deep inside her. She was no longer on the run. She was home. The End

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About the Author: Melanie has wanted to be a writer since the moment she received her first journal at age ten and started writing gibberish in it. With stories constantly running through her head for as long as can remember, she finally started putting them on paper a couple years ago. Currently, Melanie lives in Northern Virginia with her husband, an 11-year-old son and a Husky-mix named Sheena. She works a full time job and her husband is a jack-of-all-trades, including construction and auto repair. An avid stock car racing fan, her love for the sport comes through in her breakout novel, On the Run. Melanie loves that people are finally going to read the stories she has in her mind and can’t wait to hear from you! You may write to Melanie Anderson at: [email protected]

This is a publication of Linden Bay Romance WWW.LINDENBAYROMANCE.COM

Recommended Linden Bay Romance Read: Ransom by Lee Rowan It’s 1796 and not only is love between men taboo, it is punishable by death. Lieutenant David Archer is an officer in His Majesty’s Navy and a gentleman of Regency Society. He is also hopelessly in love with his shipmate, Lt. William Marshall. David is certain that his feelings, if expressed, would be met with revulsion. Afraid of losing the strong friendship that he has forged with William, he vows to never speak of or act on his desire, promising himself to take the secret to his grave. Although William is young, his innate talent has allowed him to quickly rise above his humble background and gain a reputation as a promising officer. The Royal Navy is his world, and in that world there is no room for anything as frivolous as romance. Then, in a twist of fate, the two men are abducted by a ruthless pirate who finds pleasure in toying with his captives. Thrown together in close quarters and wondering if they will survive, they’re are faced with some difficult choices. William struggles with his growing feelings for David and, try as he might to dismiss them, he can’t. When David makes the ultimate sacrifice to protect the man he loves, the reason for it is clear and the passion that the men have denied for so long is realized for the first time. Before the lovers can have any sort of life together, they must first escape. After that, they face an even greater challenge—is their love strong enough to survive a clandestine life under the ever-present threat of the Navy’s implacable Articles of War?