Offside

Thanks

The author would like to thank Melanie for help with the early drafts, including sharing anecdotes about soccer from a player‟s POV; Cam for her unbridled encouragement and enthusiasm when I was at the height of frustration; and my early readers for your comments and critiques that resulted in this final version.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 3

Chapter One ADAM stood very still in front of Mr. Colman‟s desk. If he moved even a pinky, his body would launch itself over the desk and strangle Mr. Colman, the president of the LA Galaxy soccer team, who had just had the gall to say: “Don‟t take it personally, Adam. It‟s business.” Adam twisted his arms behind his back and dug his fingers into his elbows, willing the pain to help him keep control of his anger. “I‟m not supposed to take it personally? I find out in the middle of a… a… team meeting that I‟m getting transferred mid-season? Do you have any idea how embarrassing that is? All the guys are looking at me like I knew and have been keeping it from them. So now I have to choose between looking like a dick or a fool. Thanks a lot.” He stopped to catch his breath, glaring at his soon-to-beformer boss, who finally looked a teensy bit embarrassed. “I‟ve given thirteen years to this club, and you can‟t even fucking tell me in private that you‟re sending me to… to….” He paused, spluttering, the thought so vile he could hardly force himself to say it. “St. Louis,” he managed at last. “Now, Adam,” Colman said, sounding even more condescending, as if Adam were a child and not a worldfucking-class striker, “it‟s not confirmed that you‟ll go to St. Louis. No one is forcing you to go, but you won‟t be staying here. Where you go you‟ll have to work out with the MLS deputies and your lawyers. You know they‟re the ones with your contract, not us. But since I did mention to them last

Offside | Ryan Loveless 4 week that we wouldn‟t be needing you next season, I have it on good faith that they put some feelers out, and St. Louis expressed an interest—” “Only St. Louis?” Adam interrupted. “Not Chicago? Not Columbus?” He rattled off the top teams in the league. His anger transformed into queasiness as Colman‟s face remained unchanged. He was a good player, damn it. Had his off-field reputation damaged him that much? It wasn‟t like he ran around with prostitutes. Hell, he could name three teammates who did, and they‟d just signed three-year extensions. All he‟d done was tell Sports Illustrated he was gay. But that was five years ago, and Colman had even gone public in his support for Adam in the direct aftermath. So he liked to party, liked to drink. He never hurt anyone, never got into any real trouble from it. Just because he was nearly the only soccer player to show up in a tabloid when the World Cup wasn‟t on—which was the only time in every four years that the US at large remembered it had professional soccer—that was no reason for Colman to get rid of him. If the others were jealous or upset about that, they had every right to stumble out of nightclubs making out with men they‟d never seen before, too. Adam didn‟t see anything stopping them. “There was Chivas USA,” Colman said, “but I didn‟t think you‟d want to join a club that was ranked last in the Western Conference.” “They were second in 2008, though, when we were second-to-last,” Adam said. He snapped his head up, facing Colman with his accusation. “I‟m not the one who‟d have a problem playing for them. You wouldn‟t like it, though, if I joined up with the team that shares our field and then

Offside | Ryan Loveless 5 helped them kick the Galaxy‟s ass.” It was insulting, the whole fucking thing. Hadn‟t he scored more goals than any of his teammates so far this season? “Because I would. You know I absolutely would.” “The Rapids were interested,” Colman continued. “Fuck them. I‟m not playing on a fucking mountain.” The last time the Galaxy had gone to Colorado, they‟d laughed at the oxygen tanks set up in the locker room, but by half-time they were knocking each other over to get to them when they weren‟t on their knees vomiting into trashcans. “Which is why,” Colman cut in smoothly, “I think St. Louis is the best option for you. They‟re a young club, and they could use some experience on their field, frankly.” “And there‟s no chance they‟ll win the Eastern Conference and we don‟t have any home games scheduled against them, so you don‟t have to worry about seeing me marring up Galaxy grounds anytime soon,” Adam said. Yeah, he had Colman‟s number. Colman smiled benignly. “Adam, I want you to think of this as an opportunity for your personal growth. You‟ve been with us since you were fifteen. It‟s time to move on. We‟re revamping the squad for the coming season. You aren‟t the only one leaving. St. Louis is building a decent team. They want you.” “How much?” Adam asked. “What?” Colman had to know what Adam was asking and yet, to make him say it…. Bile burned the back of Adam‟s throat. “How much did I go for?” “Oh. Well.”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 6 “How much?” “Seventy-five thousand,” Colman said. He leaned back in his chair, as if what he‟d said wasn‟t a smack in the fucking face, or, more likely, that he didn‟t care that it was. Adam grabbed the nearest thing to hand, a Golden Balls trophy, and flung it against the wall. It knocked into a framed portrait of Colman and former President Clinton. Both crashed to the floor. The glass in the frame broke, and the trophy landed a few inches from Adam‟s foot. “I‟m trash,” Adam said. “I‟m your trash. You remember that I was your top scorer last season, right? You do know that? Seventy-five thousand? That won‟t even buy out the balance of my contract.” “Our top scorer,” Colman said gently. Adam pushed his fingers into his elbows again, this time using the pain to distract him from what Colman was doing. Colman knew how to mess with Adam‟s head, slipping into paternal-mode, into the character Adam had worshiped as a boy, so easy now that Colman knew he‟d gotten his point across. “Not the League‟s. We‟re getting—” “You‟re not.” Adam cut him off quick and sharp, his fleeting grief over a long-lost relationship gone with the start of Colman‟s news. This couldn‟t be happening. Could not. Be. Happening. “We signed him yesterday.” Adam didn‟t have to ask whom. Every team in Major League Soccer was after a certain German pretty boy. And now. Well. Out with the old, in with the…. Adam forced his face to be hard even though he wanted to keep on throwing things. He wanted to do other things, too: cry and beg and ask the person who taught him how to be a man to fucking

Offside | Ryan Loveless 7 act like one and admit that the reason Adam was off the team had nothing to do with how he was playing. “You‟re using my transfer money to afford him. You‟re whoring me.” “Adam. You know how things work here. We have to keep costs low. The Gateway, or whoever you want to go to, get a top class player, you, for less than they‟d pay otherwise, which leaves more funds available from the MLS coffers for us to get our new prospective star, which, yes, your transfer fee will partially pay for.” The fight seemed drained from Colman. All that remained now was picking up the pieces and moving on. He stared at Adam as if to will Adam out the door so Colman could get the process started. Adam nudged the trophy with his foot. It took all of his restraint and the certainty that he‟d end up with a broken toe to keep him from kicking it. He visualized it flying into the wall. “I‟m still one of the best in the country,” he said. “I don‟t doubt it, Adam. But to play for the Galaxy, you need to be one of the best in the world.” Colman had discovered Adam when Adam was eight years old. He‟d pulled him out of a playgroup at his school in San Diego. Colman had made the drive every weekend to watch Adam play and moved him into the summer youth camps when he was ten, away from his parents for the first time and then practically raised him, along with many of the same players Adam played alongside today. Until today, Adam corrected himself. “You are full of shit,” Adam said, instead of anything sappy, because that was true, too. “The Galaxy might have one or two world class players, but all of them? That‟s just shit.” He left before Colman could say anything.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 8

IN THREE weeks, the deal was done. Adam would transfer to St. Louis with his contract in place: no cuts, no raises, and the transfer fee stood at seventy-five thousand, as Colman had said. Colman put out a press release announcing the German‟s acquisition and wishing Adam “luck,” making it look like it had been his idea to go. The St. Louis Gateway‟s president, Ian Lovell, released a statement talking about Adam‟s achievements and welcoming him to the Gateway. Both releases included the same quote from Adam: “LA has been my home since childhood, so my leaving is bittersweet, but I am looking forward to joining a vibrant young club like the St. Louis Gateway.” A publicist had written it. Adam had been asked to contribute, but he had ignored the request. As far as he was concerned, they wouldn‟t print what he wanted to say anyway. Besides, he was used to being misquoted. Most of the time when he talked to the press, his words ended up unrecognizable, so one innocuous sentence didn‟t concern him. He had been too busy trying not to get any more screwed over than he already was to think about it. His former club—which he had been with officially since he was fifteen years old—had tried to put him on a train. It wasn‟t like he expected the club to be a surrogate parent. Except that it was. Most of the time. It was. And now his surrogate parent had tried to bundle him onto an Amtrak for forty-eight hours. He‟d screamed bloody murder at that. Raised his voice so much that Colman‟s secretary had come in to see if there actually was a murder going on, and Adam had turned around and yelled at her that the only fucking way he was leaving LA was on a plane, so if they wanted him gone, they‟d better goddamn book him a ticket. He felt like shit for yelling at Karen, but he‟d been too in the moment to

Offside | Ryan Loveless 9 stop. He apologized later, coming to her desk with flowers when he knew Colman would be out. Her smile and hug had made him want to cry. So, he got the plane ticket, and he upgraded himself to first class. The Galaxy had booked him into economy. Economy. With his legs. His legs that were not only a goodly part of his six-foot, one-inch frame, but also insured for ten million dollars each. And they expected those legs to sit scrunched up for however the hell long it took to get to St. Louis. Right. He wasn‟t surprised after everything else. The Galaxy had no reason to care about his legs anymore. If he played his cards right—took control of his game, made sure his new teammates didn‟t slack and played well— then there was a good chance he could get out of St. Louis at the end of the season. His contract was up then. There was no doubt that MLS would re-sign him because, despite Colman‟s lame excuses, Adam played a good game. All he had to do was keep on showing that, and he‟d get picked up by a team in a real city, like New York, or maybe even Europe. He‟d done a season with Germany‟s Bundesliga six years before, when he was twenty-two, so why not? Yeah. That would be the goal. Get picked up by Spain, Italy, or Germany… where the good soccer was these days. That‟s where he needed to be. On the plane, Adam scrolled through naked pics of Jordan‟s ass on his phone until he sensed his seatmate looking too. He angled the phone so the guy could see better. A glimpse of nudity was usually all it took to get a little privacy. The dude pulled a face like he‟d eaten something sour and turned away. Adam shrugged at him, faux apologetic. He‟d “dumped” Jordan before leaving, which meant that

Offside | Ryan Loveless 10 if he didn‟t delete the pictures, he was a dick, but Adam figured he could keep them a little while longer, since as it happened having private nudes of a guy who‟d already posed in a national magazine with his shorts down was pretty low on the list of dickish things Adam had done recently. He‟d kept to himself the fact that he was more than a little jealous, maybe even pissed off, that Jordan hadn‟t received walking papers, too. Adam knew that made him the jerk of the century, especially since Jordan was so deep in the closet that he woke up every morning choking on mothballs. Plus, Jordan wasn‟t even in the starting lineup, so he had his own problems. They hadn‟t been officially dating, since Adam had a policy against closeted men. All that hiding made life difficult, and if someone got outed from being with him, Adam didn‟t want to deal with the fallout. Not two minutes later, his seatmate stretched out, bumping Adam‟s knee in a way that could not possibly be an accident, so Adam climbed over him, let his hand accidentally knock the guy‟s dick and, yeah, thought so. He headed into the bathroom and locked the door. When he was five years old, Adam started noticing the way people talked to his mother about him. “With that light olive skin tone and dark hair like his father, he‟s going to be stunning when he grows up,” they‟d say, and then add, “Oh, but he has your gorgeous blue eyes. You must feel so fortunate to have a beautiful child. He won‟t have any trouble.” Adam hadn‟t understood what they meant. He wasn‟t green. Plus, he hated olives. In his early teens, Adam went through an awkward period battling acne problems on a national stage as he was playing for the US Under-15 national team. He was lucky he had soccer to keep him fit, though. His brother David had been a chubby teen, nose

Offside | Ryan Loveless 11 always in a book, and had their mother‟s milk-white freckled skin, which David hated. They each used the other‟s flaws mercilessly in their unending fights. Adam grew so adept at tuning out comments about his appearance that he didn‟t realize his mother‟s friends were right until he was twentyone. He didn’t have any trouble. Doors opened for him. A single glance at someone would bring the person to him. He‟d had sex in clubs, hotels, airplanes, cars, gym locker rooms, and, sometimes, in his own bed. He tried to be smart about it now, but that didn‟t always work. Sometimes he was drunk. Other times, he just had sex because he wanted to; it was a complement to whatever he was feeling—excitement, sorrow, or anger—which was why he was locked inside an airplane bathroom right now. Too often his partner ended up as an “anonymous source” in Celebrity Spy magazine. Despite the whatever‟s-convenient locations, he was basically vanilla—no toys, no dirty talking or insults, no slapping, no ropes—so the stories always read dull to him. Evidently no one agreed, because they kept getting printed. His experience as a pimply teenager had made him appreciate what it meant to be attractive, and that helped him to not get conceited about it. Most of the time, he tried not to notice. It was the people around him who made it difficult. He‟d done shirtless photo shoots where the photographer‟s assistant had approached unprofessionalism in the amount of time spent misting his chest with a water bottle. That wasn‟t to say Adam didn‟t know how to use his looks to his advantage, but using them was different from letting them use him. It was easy to have sex when all he had to do was look pretty. That was the case with gay and bisexual men and certain women, although he didn‟t sleep with the women. With straight men, all he had to be was gay.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 12 He probably could have looked like anything and still had straight men propositioning him because they‟d heard what gay guys could do with their mouths. There was a tap on the door. He opened it, pulled his seatmate in, then hopped up on the toilet and let the guy blow him. The man‟s inexperience became obvious in seconds as his teeth scraped him. Adam squeezed the guy‟s shoulder to get him to ease off. The man didn‟t try to take Adam all the way down and didn‟t make any noise other than smacking his lips when he pulled off. Adam ended up cupping the back of the man‟s head to keep him still and jerking off into his mouth. Adam got the guy off with a quick hand job. He wasn‟t Adam‟s type—too soft, too hairy in the wrong places, too close to his own height—but whatever. Adam was equal opportunity polite where his dick was concerned, and if they were going to get caught, he might as well give the dude something to smile about. A few times, it looked like the guy wanted to introduce himself, but Adam pressed a hand over his mouth and stopped him. Adam left the bathroom first, whispering to the guy to count to sixty before he followed, and then left him alone with what were probably a hundred Midwestern morals crumbling around him. Adam slept the rest of the flight. His seatmate nudged him a few times, but Adam pulled the blanket up, slit his eyes open enough to indicate that he didn‟t want to be disturbed, and turned the other direction. He got off the plane while the guy was pulling an obnoxiously large bag down from the overhead compartment a few rows behind them. Adam didn‟t look back. In St. Louis, Adam‟s new club at least appeared to have their act together. He knew they were sending a limo. They

Offside | Ryan Loveless 13 had also sent Colin Evets, one of the Gateway‟s forwards. Adam knew Colin, but only a little. They‟d never spoken beyond “good job” as they shook hands after matches. He‟d never gotten the impression that Colin was the talkative type. So it was a surprise to see Colin waving and yelling his name, as if Colin thought Adam might not see him standing next to a driver holding a sign that said “Adam Dumas” in capital letters. In addition to all that, Colin‟s green and pink plaid shirt made him stand out all the more. “Excited?” Adam asked, smiling as he accepted Colin‟s proffered hand. After the way he‟d been booted out of LA, this welcome was both a surprise and a relief. The top of Colin‟s head was level with Adam‟s shoulder. He looked up at Adam, crinkling his brown eyes into a squint. “Huh?” “Nothing,” Adam said. “It‟s good to see you.” Colin smiled and rubbed his hand over his short hair, mussing it so it stuck up in sun-bleached disarray, offering hints of blonde amidst the brown. Adam felt his own smile grow in response. Colin turned around to point down the corridor, still holding onto Adam‟s hand. Colin‟s hand fit perfectly into his. Adam let his thumb wander over the back of it and stroked the light brown hairs growing from Colin‟s soft skin, even though the back of Adam‟s mind niggled that it wasn‟t appropriate and that Colin had simply forgotten to let go. Adam started to pull his hand away. Then Colin looked up, mouth partly open as if holding back a question, which turned Adam‟s thoughts to Colin‟s lips. Thin on bottom and thick on top, the things he could do… the things they could do, he and Colin, with those lips. He forced the thought aside as Colin‟s lips started forming words.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 14 “The luggage is this way,” Colin said. He let go of Adam‟s hand and trotted off in the direction he was pointing. Adam followed, his stride easily twice as long as Colin‟s. It might have amazed some people that Adam and Colin both played center forward, given the difference in their builds, but while Adam‟s long legs made him fast and gave him the ability to aim and sink goals from outside the penalty box, Colin‟s compactness made him able to duck elbows and dart around taller players‟ legs. Plus, he could jump like nobody‟s business. Adam had seen him put the ball in the air, leap over three fallen players, and pick it up on the other side. He had respect for the guy. Usually, Adam would be deep in conversation by now. He could go from “Hi” to “Tell me all your problems” within seconds of meeting a new person. Seven times out of ten when the other person was a gay man, Adam graced the poor lost soul with double comfort—his shoulder to lean on and a ride on his cock to make the guy forget all his troubles. But Colin didn‟t look like he had any problems to share. And, apparently, being this close to him made Adam tongue-tied. Colin seemed oblivious to any awkwardness, or maybe he thought that Adam normally had trouble with words, which was so not true. In any case, he parked himself right next to Adam—clearly Colin had no sense of personal space—at the luggage carousel. “We don‟t have your permanent housing set up yet, so you‟re staying with me tonight. Well, not with me with me. In the team‟s house. I‟m from Montana, so I‟ve got my home there. The house is just temporary during preseason and, you know, during the season.” Colin circled his hands over each other as he talked. They increased in speed as his speech did. “So… all the time?” Adam asked. He wanted to grab

Offside | Ryan Loveless 15 Colin‟s hands to stop them from spinning. He entertained thoughts of pulling Colin against him, Colin beaming up at him and readying his mouth for Adam‟s kiss— Colin shrugged and smiled. “Yeah. Pretty much. They take the rent out of my per diem, but at least I don‟t have to worry about getting a sub-letter during off-season.” “Yeah,” Adam said. He shifted his focus back to Colin and away from the things he was thinking about him. It probably wouldn‟t be a good idea if his first move in St. Louis was to fuck the center forward over the luggage carousel. He twisted so he wasn‟t facing Colin directly and spent some time watching suitcases go by. Colin didn‟t move, just stood beside him, so close that Adam could feel the heat from his body against his side. “I probably won‟t be here long enough to bother with my own place,” Adam said. All around the carousel he saw people standing in clusters and wondered if they knew each other as well as their proximity indicated. Maybe lack of personal space was a Midwest thing. Twenty minutes on the ground and Adam was in culture shock. “What do you mean?” Colin asked. Across the carousel, Adam saw his seatmate, who three hours earlier had put Adam‟s dick in his mouth, watching the luggage go by. “Come on, man, I‟m just here because Colman thinks I need to get my legs back. I just have to show that I haven‟t lost them and then I am gone,” Adam said. The man stood with a woman in a floral print dress and sandals. She held a little girl by the hand, and the guy had another kid on his shoulders. He looked up and made eye contact with Adam. Adam kept his expression steady as a spark of betrayal rose in his stomach.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 16 “And here I thought you were here to contribute to your new team,” Colin said. His tone had lost some of its friendliness. “Well, yeah. That‟s the good thing for you guys—you get the benefit of my being awesome.” Adam glanced over at Colin to see if his attempt at lightening the mood had worked, but kept part of his focus on the guy. Fucking bastard. He had a family. He gave Adam a small, awkward smile, and Adam almost felt bad for him. He was obviously closeted. His wife wouldn‟t have any idea, and he couldn‟t tell her. What was he going to do except take a chance when he saw an obvious and safe opening? Adam was used to straight guys hitting on him. For all the posturing he was subjected to, all the murmurs of “pillow-biter” and “how can you do that with dudes?”, they almost all wanted to “experiment” as soon as no one else was around. Adam turned them down every time, even the insistent ones. Especially the insistent ones. He didn‟t need to deal with anyone‟s identity crisis. But he‟d had steam to let off today, and the guy had been convenient, so maybe Adam was using the guy just as much. “Huh,” Colin said, not appeased. “You might not want to tell your new teammates that. Some of them are actually looking forward to having you here.” “I‟m not stupid,” Adam said. Colin sighed. Adam looked down to see him pinching the bridge of his nose. “It‟s just business.” He repeated Colman‟s limp excuse even though he didn‟t know why he should have to explain himself. “I just want to be somewhere that‟s—” “Worthy of you?” Colin asked. Adam shrugged, letting it answer for him: you said it,

Offside | Ryan Loveless 17 not me. He looked back at his seatmate, who returned Adam‟s attention. “That guy recognizes you,” Colin said. “Maybe you should run over and make his day since you‟re so awesome.” “He blew me on the plane,” Adam said. Colin blinked at him. Shit. Why did he say that? Why not let Colin have his little moment and leave it be? Now he had to open up this whole can of worms and yeah, he knew he was acting like a dick about the Gateway, but that was business so he was allowed, but this was different. This was… he hadn‟t fucking known about the wife and kid and…. Shit. “Oh,” Colin said, dragging it out dry and flat. “So, I guess you already did make his day.” “I didn‟t know he had a family,” Adam said, as if this would clear things up at all. “Oh,” Colin said again. The sarcasm was gone. Instead, he sounded like the wind had been sucked from his sails. He was probably picking up his shattered sensibilities. Adam waited for the judgment to come. Two suitcases went by on the conveyor belt before Colin said anything. Probably preparing his lecture. “Well. Maybe it‟ll help. Um. Him come to terms. Or something.” Adam almost wished Colin had told him he was horrible. He hadn‟t expected the attempt at understanding, awkward as it was. It made him feel worse, somehow, this proof that Colin wasn‟t judging him about this, that Colin would let go of his annoyance so easily in order to say something kind. “I wouldn‟t know,” Adam said. He saw his suitcase, grabbed it. As he did, the real reason he was pissed off jerked out of him. “I‟m not anybody‟s other, not even for a five-minute blow job.”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 18 “I‟m sorry,” Colin said, and Adam braced himself for the questions. Who cheated on you? What happened? Colin didn‟t ask, though. Instead, he squeezed Adam‟s hand, took the handle of Adam‟s suitcase, and walked back to the driver with it. Numb, Adam followed him. Culture shock, Adam told himself. He‟d expected it to come from the people and the environment. He hadn‟t guessed that Colin, who was one hundred eighty degrees different from everything Adam had anticipated, would cause the brunt of it.

THE team‟s house (“Hacienda del Gateway,” Colin called it) had a shared kitchen and game room, but other than that the living areas were divided into apartments modeled on deluxe hotel rooms with a living room separate from the bedroom. “It‟s right next to mine,” Colin said as he opened the door to Adam‟s space. “I know it‟s not much, but that shouldn‟t matter to you since you aren‟t staying, should it?” “Colin,” Adam said. “I told you, I‟m in for the season.” “Good,” Colin said. “I hope we won‟t bore you too much before you take off.” There was no mistaking that Colin was still offended. The last thing Adam needed was the only guy he knew in this city disliking him, especially not when that guy looked like Colin. “I know I‟m coming off like a dick, but it‟s been a tough few weeks, so maybe you could just cut me a little slack, all right? I promise, I‟m not always like this.” He thought of his father saying, “Your face will stick like that” and wondered if that applied to personality too, if being angry for so long and betrayed and fucked over meant that

Offside | Ryan Loveless 19 he was going to be unable to shake it. Colin turned back and smiled, his cheeks pink. “You just need some settling in time. You‟re jet-lagged and you‟ve been through some tough stuff lately.” He patted Adam‟s arm. Adam clenched his teeth so he wouldn‟t grab Colin and start doing the things he imagined. Maybe he was wiped out. That was probably why he was thinking nonsense about his dad‟s sayings. Thankfully, Colin stepped back. “You have no idea,” Adam said, once he got his words back. “I‟ve only been pro three years, but I‟ve heard stories.” Colin broke eye contact for a fraction of a second, and when he looked at Adam again, it was through lowered lashes. Adam almost moved toward him, but Colin blinked, regained his smile and the moment was gone. “Goodnight,” Colin said. “Night,” Adam said. Colin‟s departure left him uncertain. He shouldn‟t have said anything about his plan. If he were lucky, Colin wouldn‟t say anything to Adam‟s new teammates. He sat down on the couch and stared at the television‟s black screen. He knew he had upset Colin. There was nothing more he could do about it tonight, so he resolved to put Colin‟s disappointed expression out of his mind and get some rest. In the shower, his cock and hand had other ideas, and Colin featured prominently behind Adam‟s closed eyelids. He pulled a robe on afterward. It bore the Gateway‟s crest and had been hanging above the towel warmer, so it was nicely hot around his calves. He wrapped up in it and turned the television on. By the third showing of a local commercial featuring “Becky, Queen of Carpets” hawking her flooring wares from a flying carpet that swooped through the Arch, Adam was ready to call Colman and beg to be taken back.

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Chapter Two IN THE morning, the wake-up call came way too soon, but at least it was cute. Colin looked confused when Adam said as much. “Huh?” he asked, his lightly freckled nose crinkling. “I said „at least you‟re cute.‟ It makes me less inclined to slam the door in your face for waking me up,” Adam said. “You‟d have to get out of bed first,” Colin said. “What do you want for breakfast? Mrs. Marshall is down in the kitchen now.” “Vodka.” Adam rolled back onto his stomach and pulled the pillow over his head. “It‟s probably going to be omelets.” Colin sounded amused. “Don‟t want omelets. Want vodka,” Adam said. It was far too early to face the Midwest sober. All the salads were made with iceberg lettuce, grated cheddar cheese, and shredded carrots. He‟d heard that somewhere. “And coffee,” Colin added, poking Adam‟s shoulder through three layers of bedclothes. “There will be coffee.” He peeled the pillow off Adam‟s head. Colin looked disgustingly bright. “Coffee?” Adam asked. Not the same as vodka, but if it was the best they could do, he‟d take it. “Yep.” “I‟m up.” Adam wriggled off the bed to stand blearily

Offside | Ryan Loveless 21 next to Colin. The slightest touch would send him toppling back down. Colin grinned. “Great! I‟ll see you downstairs in ten minutes.” “Oka—Wait. What?” He was wide awake now. He needed thirty minutes to shower and dress. And his hair needed another ten at least. But Colin cast a wave over his shoulder and took off. Fled, actually. “Coward!” Adam called after him. Shit. He stared at the closed door for a second before the urgency slammed into him. He raced for the bathroom to start the fastest morning routine of his life. Exactly ten minutes later, Adam raced down the stairs with his duffel bag packed with his soccer shoes, shin guards, iPod, and the shorts and shirt he wore for practicing. He was out of breath and his hair was wet. He kept it short around the back and sides, so it wouldn‟t take long to dry. Colin whistled as Adam entered the kitchen. “What?” he asked. Colin gestured at the three-piece suit Adam wore. “You do know we‟re going to be practicing today, right?” “I‟ll change in the locker room.” Adam sat down at the table opposite Colin. Colin huffed and shook his head slightly. His eyes moved from Adam to something behind him. After a moment of confusion, Adam turned around to see what Colin was looking at. A middle-aged woman in a floral dress (did every woman here own a floral dress?) that hugged her Midwestern bosom stood next to the stove with a spatula in one hand and the handle of a frying pan in the other. Adam rose and walked toward her, hand extended. “I‟m sorry, I didn‟t see you. I‟m Adam Dumas. It‟s really nice to meet you.”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 22 “Nice to meet you, too. I‟m Patsy Marshall. You can call me Patsy or Mrs. Marshall or Mom, whatever you‟re comfortable with.” “Thank you, Mrs. Marshall,” Adam said, opting for the name he‟d heard Colin use earlier. “So, you take care of us, huh?” “Well, I do my best,” and indeed she was starting already, ushering Adam back into his seat. “Now what do you want in your omelet?” “Cheese, onions, and broccoli?” “No problem.” She turned back toward the stove, lowered the heat, and went to the refrigerator to start pulling out Adam‟s requests. Adam turned back to Colin, who was plucking his sweats. “You always dress like that?” Adam pulled himself up a little straighter. “Yes.” He hadn‟t known it was a crime to look good. Adam wore suits well, better than a lot of men. Come to that, Colin could use a few tips. Yesterday he‟d been wearing baggy jeans like a teenager and the sweats Colin had on now had seen better days. Plus, sweats in public? No. Just no. Colin shook his head. “You can‟t take the LA out of the boy, I guess.” There was a touch of resentment. Not as much as when Adam first told Colin his intentions, but still evident. “I didn‟t mean….” Adam said. He remembered how Colin had reacted, his loyalty to the team obvious. It was probably a huge affront to Colin to have someone turn up and announce that he was intent on keeping one foot out the door. Colin had gotten angry fast, though. Yesterday Adam had been too tired to put it together, but now—

Offside | Ryan Loveless 23 Mrs. Marshall dropped a plate in front of each of them. “I‟ve always liked a young man who took time with his appearance,” she said. “Don‟t you let his teasing get to you.” She squeezed Adam‟s shoulder as she walked away. “Yesterday, when you said that some of the players were looking forward to having me on the team… were you one of them?” He faltered, not wanting to say more with Mrs. Marshall a few feet away. His heart pounded. The worst thing was that he couldn‟t classify Colin‟s expression. It was gone now, wiped away when the plate clattered down. “You‟re a good player.” Adam was afraid if he pushed Colin to say what Colin was really thinking, he‟d get more than he was prepared to hear. “Thanks,” he said. The funny thing was, it did feel good to know someone still had faith in him, even someone whom he‟d disappointed. “Look, you won‟t say anything, will you? I promise I‟ll…. You are absolutely going to get my one hundred ten percent on the team.” “I won‟t say anything.” “And I‟m yesterday.”

sorry.

I

shouldn‟t

have

said

anything

“Don‟t worry about it. I‟ll get my „revenge‟ with all the times you get teased about the suit today.” Colin glanced at the clock on the microwave. “Just because a guy likes looking good….” Adam stabbed the omelet with too much force with his fork, causing it to slide to the edge of his plate before he could cut it. Colin laughed and reached over to steady his hand. “You‟re a big boy. You‟ll handle it.” It would be so easy to turn his wrist and hold Colin‟s

Offside | Ryan Loveless 24 hand. He glanced at Colin‟s face to see if he could read the same idea in it, but Colin seemed focused on making sure Adam wasn‟t going to send the omelet careening across the table at him. Adam pulled away—it was the safest thing to do—and Colin returned his focus to his own plate. “But hurry up. We have to be there in thirty minutes and it takes forty with morning traffic.” “Shit.” Colin‟s eyes widened at the curse. Was he that innocent? Why didn‟t Adam think to ask him about his upbringing yesterday when he was so tongue-tied that the only thing he could say was “That guy blew me” and “I‟m out of here soon as I can be?” Adam went against apologizing in favor of shoveling the last of the omelet down and got up. “Ready.” As they left the house, Adam fought back the urge to put his hand on Colin‟s shoulder as Colin walked out of the door ahead of him.

COLIN took him directly to the locker room, where Adam‟s new teammates were mostly gathered. A few came over to shake Adam‟s hand. His suit earned a few notes of appreciation, and some teasing, but nothing too bad. The Gateway‟s team captain stepped forward. “You‟re both late,” Joseph Doyle said as he shook Adam‟s hand. He trained a disapproving gaze on Adam, then turned it toward Colin. “Coach Darling had a meeting this morning. You missed it.” Adam bit back a sarcastic response. Obviously they missed it; they didn‟t need to be told. He forced himself to

Offside | Ryan Loveless 25 smile. It wouldn‟t do him any good to feud with the captain over something so small. And, Doyle had a point. They were late. Still, Adam didn‟t expect to get jumped about it, especially since he hadn‟t known and it was his first goddamn day. “Sorry, Joe,” Colin said. “Adam is a little jet-lagged. Won‟t happen again.” He tapped Adam‟s back as he walked behind him heading for his locker, perhaps in apology for laying the blame on him, even though it was Adam‟s fault for sleeping so late. “Yeah, sorry,” he said, doing his best to sound sincere. Doyle nodded and looked a little uncomfortable, as if he didn‟t know what to do with two apologies coming at once. “Well. Okay. Welcome to the team. Take that locker.” He pointed. “Thank you.” Adam turned toward his locker before Doyle could do anything to make the moment more awkward. He took his suit off, hanging it on the padded hangers he‟d brought. The shorts and shirt he used for practice were the LA Galaxy‟s whites. “I‟ll get some greens soon,” he said, countering the indignant looks. “The transfer happened too suddenly for me to—” “We know, and we don‟t need you.” Matt Logan, the Gateway‟s other center forward with Colin, jumped in Adam‟s face. He poked Adam in the chest. “Matt,” Colin said, but there wasn‟t any effort in it, as if Colin were accustomed to Logan‟s outbursts. Adam tried to step away, but Logan blocked his move. “Look,” Adam said, addressing everyone, “I know it‟s got to be hard on you guys to have someone dropped on you mid-

Offside | Ryan Loveless 26 season. I‟m not thrilled about it, either, but I‟m going to do the best I can, and I promise you guys, I won‟t let you down. I‟m on this team, so I‟ll do all I can to get us as far as we can go.” He stopped short of adding that he hoped he could help the team progress far enough to put an ocean between him and St. Louis or, at the very least, a mountain range. Colin looked as if he expected that Adam would say that, so Adam dodged his gaze and focused on the rest of the players. “Yeah, until we play Galaxy and you throw the game,” Logan said. Adam went still, his blood hot. “Well, you don‟t have to worry about that for a few months, do you?” Logan didn‟t look like he‟d go down easy, but Adam could be a dirty fighter if he needed to be. “Matt, come on,” Colin said, touching Logan‟s arm. The touch looked familiar, affectionate, even. Adam wanted to ask Colin why he comforted Logan when Adam was the one getting attacked. “Come on. What‟s wrong with you?” Colin patted Logan again, and Logan let Colin pull him away. “Fine,” Logan said. “Welcome to the fucking team.” Before Adam could respond, Logan stormed out, halfdressed and with his T-shirt slung over his shoulder. “Well,” Adam said. He turned around to take in the others‟ silent faces. Colin sat on the bench in front of his locker, lacing his shoes, head down. “Anyone else want to welcome me?” Adam asked. “You‟re taking his position,” Jeremy Fitzgerald, one of the Gateway‟s defenders, said from his locker next to Joseph Doyle‟s. “That‟s why he‟s upset.” Adam squinted at Fitzgerald, realizing. “You use a fourfour-two formation. You only need two center forwards.” At

Offside | Ryan Loveless 27 the Galaxy, they had sometimes used formations that required three players at the front, but even when they only needed one, the position was Adam‟s. “Yep. Matt‟s getting moved back to left midfield. Coach told us at the meeting this morning. Which you guys missed.” Fitzgerald smiled a little, making it obvious that the jibe was good-natured. Doyle glanced at Fitzgerald for a halfsecond, perhaps judging the level of insubordination, and then went back to lacing his shoes. Adam didn‟t have to ask if this was a bad thing. Matt Logan wasn‟t the most prolific goal scorer ever, but he was one of the most enthusiastic, so it had to be a blow to get moved back to a position where he wouldn‟t have as many opportunities. Adam had a better scoring record than Logan, though. Logan should understand that the coach had done what was best for the team in giving Adam the position. Adam glanced over at Colin and saw him talking with Sol Watson, the center midfielder who was about to get Logan as a partner on the field with the position change. Sitting down with his shin guards, Adam strapped them on. As he pulled on his socks, the door opened again. A man in his early thirties, short, about Colin‟s height but broader in his chest and shoulders, with perfectly styled blond hair walked in with a whistle and a clipboard. Adam fingered his own hair. He usually added gel to keep his long bangs under control but hadn‟t had time in the morning rush. He wished he had a hat. The new man headed straight for Adam, hand extended. “Dumas. Welcome to the Gateway. I‟m Robert Corbinson, the assistant coach.” Adam shook his hand. “Nice to meet you.” “Likewise. After practice, go see administration and fill out your tax forms. Right now, get your ass upstairs. The

Offside | Ryan Loveless 28 Ians are waiting for you.” “The Ians” described Coach Darling and Mr. Lovell, the coach and team president, who shared the same first name. Adam hadn‟t met them and wasn‟t sure if anyone called them this to their faces. “Okay.” “Once they‟re done with you, come out to the field.” Corbinson turned to the other players. “And the rest of you losers, get your sorry selves outside. Five laps. Go.” He slammed the door behind him on the amused chorus of “Yes, sirs” that followed. “Anyone want to tell me where I‟m going?” Adam asked. “Just go left and keep walking,” Colin said, smiling. “You‟ll see an elevator. Take it to the top floor and ask the receptionist.” “Thanks.” He started out, but Doyle caught up with him and held the door. It was a surprisingly polite move. Adam started to pass through, but Doyle leaned in, so Adam paused. Doyle glanced around, as if there were any chance at all that the men crowding behind him to get out wouldn‟t hear. “What?” Adam asked. He tried not to get fed up, but his new team‟s captain seemed to be a guy destined for trying patience. “Are you really a gay?” The word burst out with the cautious vigor of a child using a swear word for the first time. Adam sighed. He‟d been waiting for this since he got on the plane from Los Angeles. “Yes. I‟m really „a gay‟. Is that going to be a problem?” Doyle looked surprised, but he arranged his face into an expression Adam knew too well from all the other times a homophobe had started spouting

Offside | Ryan Loveless 29 Bible verses at him. He put his hand up. “Just write down the relevant verses. I‟ll let you know if there are any I haven‟t heard.” He slipped away while Doyle thought up a response. Alone in the corridor after the others filed out, Adam took a moment to gather himself. Meeting his new teammates had gone better than he‟d expected, even with Logan‟s outburst. He‟d keep his head down, not cause trouble, and get out. He was only twenty-eight years old. Colman could try putting him out to pasture, but he wasn‟t done yet, damn it. As he reached the elevator, the door slid open and the Ians emerged. Adam had seen them before, standing on the sidelines during a game, but this was his first time up close. They looked startlingly similar. Both wore their brown hair short and swept back, although Coach Darling‟s stood a bit higher. They were both broad-shouldered, a trait emphasized by Mr. Lovell‟s slightly wrinkled sport coat and Darling‟s designer and perfectly pressed suit jacket. They shared a square jaw as well, along with a facial structure of high forehead and cheekbones. A bit of extra fat gave Lovell a baby face, whereas Coach Darling‟s cheeks were more slender, making it seem like he wore their fifty-plus years of age for the both of them. Based on this instant impression, if Adam hadn‟t already known their roles, he might have reversed them and called Lovell the coach and Darling the president, since Darling seemed to be carrying stress in the pinched downturn of his lips. In contrast, Lovell‟s mouth settled into a natural smile. It was Darling‟s scowl that greeted Adam first, and then his gaze slid from Adam‟s face down to his knees and back again, cool enough that Adam knew he was being assessed. He shifted his weight to his other foot as Darling decided on

Offside | Ryan Loveless 30 a verdict. Adam glanced at Lovell to see what he was going to do about this, but Lovell stood there, smile unchanged, doing nothing. “Why are you wearing white and black in my stadium?” Darling sounded as if he had taken a bite of spoiled food, like Adam‟s wearing a rival team‟s colors in front of him was equal to Adam spitting in his coach‟s mouth. Darling looked personally affronted, so much so that the sharp remark Adam was about to make gave way to an apology. Adam held his hands up in a gesture of supplication, or perhaps to ward off the unwavering glare. “It‟s what I had. I‟ll buy something new as soon as I get a chance.” “You can pick something out at the gift shop right now.” Darling stepped forward, leaving Lovell to hold the elevator door open. Darling grabbed Adam by the elbow. “Lovell will arrange to take it out of your first paycheck.” “Great,” Adam said as Coach Darling propelled him along with surprising force for a man whose athletic days were decades behind him. “Ian.” They had gone a few yards when Lovell‟s voice wandered down the hall to catch them. His English accent was the same as Darling‟s too, at least to Adam‟s ears, though Lovell‟s voice was pitched a bit softer. Darling stopped and turned around, rotating Adam as he did so. Lovell hadn‟t moved from the elevator. He leaned just as before, hands in his pockets. “He‟s fine,” Lovell said, indicating Adam by tilting his head. “Ian—” Darling started, but Lovell shook his head slightly, and Darling fell silent. Lovell turned his attention to Adam. The soft smile hadn‟t left his face.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 31 “You‟ll find some different clothes to practice in, right Adam?” “I….” Adam looked from Lovell to Darling and back again. Darling still held Adam‟s elbow, but Lovell looked at Adam with a calm certainty that said he knew Adam would interpret Lovell‟s suggestion for the order that it was and obey it. If Lovell had revealed that expression before, Adam would have had no trouble pegging him as the boss. “Yes, sir,” he said to Lovell. Darling let him go. A disdainful breath accompanied the motion. “Welcome to the team,” Lovell said. Adam straightened his posture. Lovell‟s innocuous unreadable gaze made Adam aware of how he held himself under his president‟s scrutiny, even more so than Darling‟s earlier examination had. Darling‟s coat sleeve brushed his arm, but everything seemed inconsequential as Adam stood under Lovell‟s attention. “Thank you.” Lovell broke into a wide smile. Moving forward, he pounded Adam‟s back, took his hand, and pulled him forward toward the elevator. “Now, we‟ve got the PostDispatch waiting on the phone for you. They‟re as excited as we are to have you. We don‟t do press junkets here. E-mail and fax, that‟s how we work. We‟re not LA, so this is what you‟re going to get in terms of interviews.” Adam was about to say that that was fine. Having a break from the press might be nice—although doing an interview solely about soccer would be a welcome relief too, but Darling cut in before Adam could. “I want him on the field as soon as you‟re done,” Darling said, stalking behind them.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 32 Lovell herded Adam into the still-open elevator. “The very second,” he said. As Darling scowled and headed past them toward the field, Lovell pressed the floor button. The top floor was three. “So.” Lovell turned toward Adam and folded his arms over his chest. “You going to be all right to make your own statement this time, or do you need one of our PR guys to write it for you?” Adam had been watching the door close, but now his attention snapped over to Lovell. He was obviously referring to the “quote” from the press release heralding Adam‟s departure from the Galaxy. “Was it that obvious?” Lovell shrugged, that ever-present smile tugging wider on one side. “I always know.” Adam had the urge to snap to attention again. “I‟ll be fine, sir.” Lovell patted his shoulder as the elevator door opened. “I‟m sure. But if you think you‟re not, I‟ll be right next to you.” The touch was firm enough to be both strict and reassuring. Fatherly, Adam decided. After the way his relationship with Colman had ended, he didn‟t want another surrogate in his life, especially not so soon, so he kept himself still and didn‟t respond to the touch.

THE Post-Dispatch‟s journalist turned out to be a major soccer fan, so the interview was relaxed and lasted about twenty minutes, most of which he and Adam spent talking about St. Louis‟s prospects for the rest of the season and what Adam hoped to contribute to the team. Adam sat on the couch in Lovell‟s office with the phone on the glass coffee table in front of him. Lovell had put it on speaker so he could

Offside | Ryan Loveless 33 hear both ends of the conversation too. He spent the interview at his desk going through papers, glancing up now and again, but not interrupting. When it was over, Lovell got up, so Adam stood too. “That was good,” he said, clapping Adam on the shoulder. “Now get yourself down to practice.” “On my way,” Adam said. He jogged onto the field five minutes later, having stopped to use the facilities and grab a drink of water. On one end, Darling ran a game of four against two with Danny Michaels, the Australian keeper, in the goal. At the other end, Assistant Coach Corbinson protected the goal as Logan, Colin, and Thomas Thomason, the Gateway‟s youngest player at eighteen, practiced penalty kicks. Adam stopped out of the way of both groups and started his warm-up routine, which consisted of motion oriented stretches like windmills and high kicks, alternated with jumping jacks until he felt loose and had his heart going at a good pace. Darling waved him over. “You‟re with Watson and Fitzgerald. There.” Adam took up position as his new teammates shuffled themselves farther apart to adjust to having a new person on their side. “Took long enough,” Doyle yelled over at him. “Interview,” Adam shouted back. “Play,” Darling said, and that was it. Zach Turner had had possession when Darling stopped the game to bring Adam in, so he started again, passing it off to Carl Onyeka, who took the shot. Michaels saved it and punted it back out to Fitzgerald. He was big and not too fast, but running into him was like going full-speed against a tree. Adam had learned that firsthand when Fitzgerald had played for

Offside | Ryan Loveless 34 Seattle. Adam didn‟t often get the wind knocked out of him, but he had that day. Fitzgerald knocked the ball out, probably aiming for Watson, but Onyeka, the Gateway‟s right back, got in the way. Before he could do anything with it, Watson darted in and claimed possession. The whistle blew. “Illegal claim,” Darling shouted. “Go again. One lap after practice, Watson.” “Coach!” Watson threw his hands up. “That‟s six. I‟m going to be running all night.” “You learn or you run. It‟s not that hard, Ivy League.” Darling cast a disinterested glance at his center midfielder until Watson shook his head and turned his attention back to the ball. This time, he waited until Onyeka had set it moving before he claimed it. “Here!” Adam said, but Watson tapped it back to Fitzgerald. Doyle came charging in. The way was clear for Fitzgerald to send the ball to Adam and get it away from the threat, but instead he shot for goal. The ball bounced in at a low corner, just missing Michaels‟s dive and outstretched fingers. Not missing a beat, Michaels gave Fitzgerald a thumbs-up—“Maybe we‟ve got you in the wrong position, Fitzie! You should be on offense!” and threw the ball back out. Gabriel Ramirez, the Gateway‟s left back, headed it over to Watson, even though Ramirez was on the other side. Watson used a chest bump to wrangle control of it, and it landed at his feet tame. “Watson,” Adam shouted again. Adam was clear for goal. He didn‟t have anyone guarding him. Watson tapped the ball to Onyeka. Right. They weren‟t playing four against three. They were playing six against Adam. Fine. If they wanted to be

Offside | Ryan Loveless 35 immature about this, he‟d give them something to play for. He charged in, grabbed possession off Onyeka, wound around Doyle, but got caught when Turner and Fitzgerald closed in on him. “Dumas!” Watson shouted and waved, evidently back on Adam‟s side when it counted, so Adam sent the ball over. As soon as Watson touched it, though, he sent it to Doyle, who tapped it over to Onyeka again. “Fucker,” Adam muttered. “Lap for swearing,” Darling yelled. “Do you see what they‟re doing?” Adam asked. He struggled not to let his frustration show. “I see you not playing,” Darling said. Adam threw his hands up. The other players passed the ball lazily between them. Adam charged for it, but the passes varied direction enough that the ball was always just a step ahead of him. He thought of all the times he and his friends had played keep away with his little brother. If he weren‟t careful, he‟d end up standing in the middle of the circle in tears, too, just like David had done. Of course, David had been six. Adam was too exhausted to be angry. He‟d hit the point where he chased the ball just because he wasn‟t going to give up; he wouldn‟t give them that satisfaction. “St. Louis wants you,” Colman had said. “A lot of the players were looking forward to having you,” Colin had said. Fucking lying assholes. Doyle‟s and Logan‟s welcomes could chill ice, as could Darling‟s, and now this. Here Adam was feeling shitty for what he‟d said, and Colin had been playing him all along. Colin and Colman both had. He was stuck now, too. Even with his reputation as a first-class player, no team would take him after only a day. There would be

Offside | Ryan Loveless 36 questions about why he wanted to leave so soon, and he‟d get a reputation as someone who wasn‟t a team player. He was stuck with these bastards. Suddenly, the ball came straight at him. Reflex, active even in his weariness, made Adam‟s foot snap forward. He sent it to Watson because even though Adam knew Watson would just start the keep away again, Adam still identified him as a teammate. Watson tapped it back to him, though. And then Fitzgerald did as well after Adam passed to him. Maybe the nonsense was over. Relieved, Adam ran for goal. Doyle blocked him and sent the ball to Ramirez. Shit. Taking up a stance, Adam prepared to run after the ball again. However, Ramirez kicked it right to him. And then everyone did. As soon as anyone got the ball, he sent it right back to Adam. Adam headed, chested, kicked, tapped, and bumped until he was ready to collapse. And then, with just as little explanation, the keep-away game was back on. Adam made a token attempt to run after the ball, which turned out to be the smart thing because only a few minutes passed before he was every player‟s sole focus again. When Darling blew the whistle ending the match, Adam fell flat on his stomach. He hated them. All of them. Every single one. “Dumas. On your feet.” Adam rolled over and kneeled up. He glared blearily at Darling before standing up. The players who had been doing penalty drills at the other end of the field with Corbinson now clustered with Darling‟s players. Darling nodded crisply at Adam, and handed his whistle over to Corbinson. The coaches spoke for a moment. Darling gestured to Michaels. They walked together back to the goal post Michaels had just vacated, Michaels picking up a net bag of balls from the

Offside | Ryan Loveless 37 sidelines as he went. “Passing drills,” Corbinson shouted. “Line up five facing five.” Adam got in line behind Colin. Logan was in front of Colin, with Zach Turner and Doyle behind. A short distance away, the remaining five players lined up so that Watson, the first player on that line, faced Logan. It was a simple relay drill. Watson would pass to Logan and run to the end of his line as Logan passed to the player behind Watson and ran to the end of his line, and so forth. “How‟s it going?” Colin asked, whispering beneath Corbinson‟s instructions. “This is the most immature team I‟ve ever played with,” Adam said. “You were lying when you said they were looking forward to playing with me, weren‟t you?” “I didn‟t say everyone.” Colin smiled and his eyes, his bright lovely brown eyes, seemed to be just for Adam. Adam was sure they could make everything better. But then Logan said, “Maybe you just can‟t cope with pressure,” and Colin turned those eyes toward him. “Matt,” he said with mild chiding. Colin leaned forward and bumped his head against Logan‟s back. Logan grinned at Colin, cast a look at Adam that was as triumphant as it was obnoxious, and turned away before Adam could tell him that they weren‟t in grade school. They all faced forward, supposedly listening to Corbinson‟s instructions—how much talking did it take to explain a beginner‟s drill? Adam examined Colin from the back. He‟d settled into the same stance as Logan, which was an indication that they spent a lot of time together. When you played opposite a guy long enough, it turned into a marriage. You picked up habits. Read minds.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 38 Logan and Colin seemed to be in sync. Maybe… maybe it wasn‟t such a good idea to put Adam up front on the field. Developing a relationship like that took time. With the season half over, that was time Adam and Colin didn‟t have. It was good they were living together. It would give them more opportunities to learn each other. Corbinson signaled to start the drill. When Adam‟s turn at the front of the line came, it didn‟t surprise him that Ramirez sent the ball wide so that Adam had to go chasing after it. Nor did it surprise him when it happened every single time. By the time Corbinson called an end to the drill and to practice, Adam‟s legs were numb, his mouth worked up so much saliva that he spat constantly, and he wasn‟t sure what he was going to do first: collapse or vomit. He put his hands on his knees, and bent over, trying not to hyperventilate. “Dumas, you‟ve got one lap. Watson, you‟ve got six. Rest of you, inside.” Adam looked up at Corbinson. He stilled his panting long enough to ask, “Are you kidding?” “If you can talk, you can run. Get going.” Corbinson didn‟t wait for an answer. He was a younger, better-coiffed Darling. Adam decided that he hated Corbinson too. “Come on,” Watson said. He jogged in place beside Adam. “Let‟s get this over with.” “I hate you all,” Adam said. The grin that answered him wasn‟t the response he expected, nor was the hand on his elbow helping him stand up. “You did great today,” Watson said. He nudged Adam toward the outside line. “We all think so.” “I‟m going to kill you. Kill you, kill you, kill you,” Adam

Offside | Ryan Loveless 39 said as he stumbled along the track. “Yeah, baby, uh huh,” Watson said, patting him on the back. “Come on.” He ran the whole lap right next to Adam, chanting encouragement. “You can do it. Not much farther. Almost there. Come on, yeah!” By the time the end of the lap, Adam was actually smiling. Watson put his hand up and Adam high-fived him. “That was the worst hazing I‟ve ever been through.” “Yeah, you looked pretty pissed off,” Watson said. “You know, when we did that to Doyle, he stormed off after ten minutes, and now he‟s team captain so, you know, dream big.” He finished with a cheesy smile. “Jesus, Watson,” Adam said. “You guys are rich.” “Call me Sol. We‟re family here. Or you can call me „Dog‟ if you‟re into nicknames.” “Not „Ivy League‟?” Adam asked. He grinned as Sol rolled his eyes. “A guy gets an expensive education and never gets to live it down.” He laughed, though. “I‟ve got five more laps so….” “Right, yeah,” Adam said. “I‟m going inside. You guys wiped me out.” “Watch out for the Gatorade,” Sol yelled as Adam started for the locker room. “The what?” Adam shouted, spinning around. But Sol was already running on his second lap. As Adam walked into the underground tunnel beneath the stadium, Corbinson emerged from the locker room. Red liquid dripped from his hair and down his soaked clothes. Oh. Gatorade. “I, uh, guess they thought you were me?” he asked.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 40 “Horrible timing,” Corbinson said. He mopped his brow with a wet sleeve and flung his arm downward, sending droplets flying. Corbinson sighed. “Really horrible.” “Sorry,” Adam said. Corbinson shrugged. “Just another day in Paradise.” He walked away, pulling his shirt off as he went. Adam allowed himself a brief look at Corbinson‟s smooth, pale back before he pushed the door to the locker room open. “Coming in. Don‟t hit me. I surrender!” He eased the door open wide enough to get through. As soon as he stepped inside, Michaels tackled him, pushing him back into the wall. Michaels crushed Adam into a hug and kissed him soundly on the ear before shoving away. And then the whole team pounced, pounding Adam‟s back and rubbing his hair and offering various sounds of congratulation. Fitzgerald lifted him off his feet and squeezed him until Adam gasped for breath. Over Fitzgerald‟s shoulder, Adam saw Doyle watching from his locker. Doyle offered him a nod and slow smile, but didn‟t move to join the mob. Adam emerged from the upright pile mussed and wobbly. “Uh, thanks, guys,” he said. He smoothed down his clothes. “You‟re welcome.” Adam looked up. Colin stood in front of him, smiling. With so many hands on him, Adam hadn‟t been able to tell if one pair was Colin‟s, but evidently Colin had waited until he could get Adam to himself. Adam grinned at him. Colin put his hand out. “You‟re officially part of the team now. No more hazing, we promise.” Adam pulled Colin into a hug. Just like Colin‟s hand fit into Adam‟s palm, Colin fit perfectly against Adam‟s body.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 41 His nose nestled into a spot below Adam‟s shoulder and he wrapped his arms around Adam‟s waist. “Thank God,” Adam said. The other players broke into applause. “So,” Adam asked as he and Colin ended their hug, “is there anything to do in this town?” “Sure, lots of stuff,” Colin said. He sat down next to Logan. Logan finished pulling a clean T-shirt over his head and punched Colin lightly on the shoulder. Adam tried to ignore the jealous reaction that flared up in him. “Like what?” Adam asked. He pulled his sweat-soaked shirt off. When he dropped it on the bench, it landed with a heavy splat. “We‟ll all go out as soon as you‟re ready,” Colin said. “All right.” Adam toed his shoes off. “But I have to go upstairs and fill out my tax forms and do some quick shopping first. Darling has a problem with my whites.” “So do I,” said Sol. Adam looked over to see if he was serious, but Sol was smiling. “We haven‟t had a team outing in awhile,” Doyle said. “I like that idea. Usual place?” “Which is?” Adam asked. “I‟ll give you directions,” Colin said. “You can join us after you‟re done.” “Better tell me where to find a sporting goods store too.” “No problem,” Colin said. His smile brought out a sparkle in his eyes. “I‟ll make you a map while you‟re cleaning up.” “Thanks.” Adam headed for the showers. When he came back out clean, the locker room was empty, but Colin‟s car keys and a carefully drawn map sat on Adam‟s bag with a note that said, “See you soon, Colin.”

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THE sporting goods store was a cavernous warehouse of concrete flooring, steel shelving that reached the industrial ceiling, and row upon row of clothing racks. Adam was rifling through a rack of shorts when someone said, “Adam Dumas?” Adam turned to see a thin man in a frayed flannel shirt and a dust-battered St. Louis Cardinals ball cap. He held a small boy by the hand. The boy wore a Gateway T-shirt. “Yes?” Adam examined the man and smiled at the boy. “Mr. Dumas, my name‟s Justin Woodward. This here‟s my boy Kevin.” “Pleased to meet you.” Adam shook Woodward‟s hand. About to kneel down and greet the child, Adam stopped when Woodward said, “I don‟t mean any insult to you, but I don‟t know what you think you‟re doing here. We don‟t take to your kind.” “Soccer players?” Adam asked. He kept his smile, kept his voice calm. Woodward‟s flat expression didn‟t change. “You know what I mean. Don‟t need you here.” The boy began to cry as Woodward pulled him away. “Great job showing your son what‟s important,” Adam said after him. His ears burned. So it was starting already. He‟d known that it would, and not because of preconceptions he had about the Midwest, but because it happened everywhere, even in—especially in—LA. Despite the temptation to crawl into the clothes rack and hide, like he had when he was a kid playing games with his brother, he resisted. Glancing through the edge of his vision, Adam saw

Offside | Ryan Loveless 43 other patrons casting surreptitious glances his way, so he kept his head up. He took his time finding the perfect pair of shorts and then the perfect T-shirt, selecting two of each. Nothing bothered him. Nothing.

ADAM sat in a bar with his teammates listening to a live band play country music, drinking Bud Light and staring down a cheeseburger, wondering what had become of his life. The beer was just bitter enough to overwhelm the bad taste that lingered from the sporting goods store. “Great, huh?” Colin shouted as Adam brushed another girl off. They came like flies to honey, and Adam felt anything but sweet. Colin remained unmolested, possibly because he didn‟t stay in any one spot for more than a few seconds. Colin was off again before Adam could say what he thought of the place. “I like dick,” he yelled at the latest girl. She made a face and backed off. Doyle looked scandalized. Good. “Maybe you should have a shirt made,” Sol suggested. He was half-drunk himself, sprawled forward over the table with a girl under each arm. “I‟m considering it,” Adam said. “Seriously, if this is what happens at three in the afternoon, what the hell does St. Louis do for night life?” Sol lurched onto his elbows. “Well. I‟m sorry if we don‟t live up to your standards, LA boy.” “It‟s fine. Whatever.” Adam looked morosely at his empty bottle and grabbed Doyle‟s. He had it drained and put back before Doyle noticed. Colin and Logan were engaged in a line dance with two girls who had their hair pulled back with

Offside | Ryan Loveless 44 banana clips. Adam threw a few dollars onto the table to cover his part of the bill and got up. “Thanks for the lunch, guys. I‟m heading back to the house.” “The fun‟s just getting started,” Fitzgerald said. He tried to pull Adam down with his big hand. Adam glanced around. The band was pulling up a second fiddle player. “Yeah. I don‟t think I can handle much more „fun‟. Plus, I‟m feeling the jet lag, so I‟m just going to go. Tell Colin I said thanks.” Holding Fitzgerald by the wrist, Adam freed himself. Needing to leave Colin‟s car for Colin, Adam got a cab outside the bar. He didn‟t know what address to give. Fortunately, the driver knew where the Gateway‟s player house was located (that never would have happened in LA), so crisis averted. At the house, Adam spent the rest of the evening in the game room and on the phone to his friends in LA. He glanced at the door every time he heard a noise, expecting Colin to come in. Mrs. Marshall was out, so he made his own dinner and sat at the table alone to eat it. At around ten o‟clock, Adam went up to his room, stripped down to his boxers and turned the television on in the bedroom. An hour later, there was a knock on the door. He got up and opened it. Colin stepped back when he noticed that Adam was in his underwear. “Oh. Sorry. I didn‟t know you were in bed already.” “Just watching TV. You want to come in?” “I just came to check on you.” Adam backed off and let Colin through to the bedroom. He flicked the television off and sat down on the bed. “Yeah?”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 45 Colin dropped into the chair beside it. He propped his feet up on the corner of the mattress. “You looked like you were having a root canal at the bar. You didn‟t even try to have fun.” “I tried. It wasn‟t my fault that no one was trying with me.” “I know you‟re planning on being out of here as soon as the last whistle blows,” Colin said. “But would you at least give us a chance?” “I don‟t want to spend my time getting hit on by women and subjected to music I can‟t stand. One or the other, you know? Show me where the gay bars are and then I‟ll show you how nice I can be.” “At least try,” Colin said. “Look, it‟s one thing to fit in on the team. You did really good today, but you have to be open to the community, too.” Adam laughed in disbelief. Open. Right. Any question he‟d had about Colin‟s sexuality was settled right there. Gay people didn‟t tell each other to be open to society. They told each other how to fucking cope with it. “Do you know why I left? Because I could. When I was a kid, I got called a fag, I had to take it, but now I‟m an adult and I can leave. Or I can punch them in the face. It‟s my fucking choice.” “Did someone call you that?” Colin sounded shocked and wounded. Adam shut down. He didn‟t want to think about it. “Not there. At the store.” “Oh. Adam, I‟m—” “It happens,” Adam said, sharp enough for Colin to get the hint and stop. After a moment, Colin said, “The massage therapist is

Offside | Ryan Loveless 46 going to be there tomorrow. I signed you up for an eleven o‟clock appointment. Hope you don‟t mind.” “Okay. Thanks.” Adam took a deep a breath and forced himself to relax. “Well, I figured with everything going on, you wouldn‟t get the chance. Mine‟s at eight and then Matt and I are going rock climbing at this indoor wall after practice, so I probably won‟t see you until the afternoon.” “Okay. Wake me up for breakfast, though?” Adam asked. Colin grinned. “Sure.”

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Chapter Three PRACTICE went better than the day before. With the hazing over, the team got down to business and Adam made a few good touches on the ball. During a break, while Adam lay on the grass next to Sol, Colin grabbed Tommy Thomason and took him down to the other end of the field with a ball. Colin led Tommy through some drills to help him with a few skills he‟d shown weakness in during the mini-match. “Inspirational, isn‟t he?” Sol asked. He yawned. “We should all be so motivated.” Adam got up and reached down for Sol. “Come on.” “What? Why?” “Let‟s do some running passes.” “Dude.” “You need the practice.” “I need the practice?” “Yeah. Come on.” Adam tapped a ball over to him. Sol looked down at it, sighed, and started the drill. Adam grinned. As he ran down the field with Sol, he cataloged the improvements the team needed in order to become a welloiled machine. Fitzgerald‟s jumping needed more height. Logan lost his balance too often coming off his back foot. Doyle‟s passes weren‟t as accurate as they could be. Ramirez‟s headers needed more power. Turner ran like he was surprised that he had long legs. Adam wasn‟t exempt, either. He‟d always had a weaker left side, and he definitely

Offside | Ryan Loveless 48 needed to work on his ball-handling from that side. (He‟d picked a guy up with that line once.) Colin had done a great job adapting his play for his smaller size, but there was still more he could do to use his height to his advantage. The only player who knew exactly what he was doing and how to get his body to do what he needed in order to get the job done was Michaels, who was all but impenetrable in goal. If not for him, the Gateway would be a lot further down in the rankings. If Colin kept up his seemingly natural inclination to help train others and Adam picked up the less obvious weak points for work, along with Darling and Corbinson of course, Adam‟s plan of getting out would go off without a hitch.

VOICE mail from his mother: “Honey, I‟m so sorry I haven‟t called. Just got back from the cruise and heard about the whole mess from David. Call when you can.” In the background, Adam heard a man talking. He wondered who it was. While he was growing up, Alicia was more of a fairy godmother than a conventional mother. All through his childhood she had flitted in and out, bringing him things and granting his wishes until Colman had stepped in. She lived in San Diego; Adam could count on one hand the number of times he‟d seen her in the past year. He liked to think that the roles were reversed now, with him finally able to give her what she wanted: he‟d paid off her mortgage and sent her on vacations to wherever she wanted to go, often with a group of girlfriends to keep her company. Once, she‟d gotten drunk and told him she was sorry he‟d spent so much of his youth away from home. She hadn‟t liked it a bit when he, also drunk, had told her that soccer

Offside | Ryan Loveless 49 was home to him. He was twenty-five at the time and had soccer to thank for his entire lifestyle and most of hers, so it pissed him off a little. She never badmouthed his father, and he had taken off with a freelance journalist and never looked back. Adam hovered his thumb over the button that would call her. It was always such a teeter-totter. Sometimes they talked for hours with no trouble, and other times they hit an obstacle a few sentences in and blew up. It depended on so many things: mood, timing, room temperature, hunger quotient. Get one little wrong and the whole thing was a disaster. He was hungry now, so he put the phone away and headed for the kitchen. He found Colin already there. Colin stood in front of the open cabinet and looked like he‟d been there quite awhile. His dark jeans actually fit snugly around his ass, and his shirt had a collar. In Colin‟s world, this had to be the equivalent of Adam wearing a tuxedo. Adam leaned against the counter and let himself feel pleased. Maybe he was rubbing off on Colin. “Waiting for something to jump out at you?” “Hey.” Colin turned toward him with a smile. “You want to go get a burger?” “Is this an attempt to get me to give the city another chance?” Adam smiled back, conceding to an urge to flirt. “Maybe,” Colin said. “Any place to get a salad?” Colin thought about it for a second. “Probably. We can go to the Hill if you want. Might find something there.” “Great.” The Hill turned out to be a neighborhood filled with

Offside | Ryan Loveless 50 Italian restaurants. Adam ordered a Caesar salad, and Colin got a huge plate of tortellini. He poked his pasta experimentally before diving in for the first bite. Adam had to look away when Colin closed his eyes and moaned as the cheese burst forth from the pasta inside his mouth. Jesus. Adam shoved a forkful of lettuce in his mouth and concentrated on chewing. “How are you getting along?” Colin asked. Adam needed a second to realize that Colin was talking about the team, not about certain things going on beneath the table. He shifted his legs to give himself more room in his trousers. “Logan hates me and Doyle is not going out of his way to make me feel welcome. Logan was good in my position, right? Why take him out?” “The Ians have a plan,” Colin said. “Is it for the team to unite through a mutual hatred of me?” “Just trust them. It‟ll be fine.” Colin smiled. He shrugged after a few seconds. “I mean, it‟s usually fine.” Colin had his scrunchy nose thing going, and truthfully, he could have been telling Adam that Lovell was going to make an all-zombie team and Adam would say it sounded great because of that nose. Adam supposed he should be glad that he was self-aware enough to know this. For once he wasn‟t overdressed in his suit. All around them, the other couples were dressed up too. Colin even had a tie and jacket on, borrowed from the maître d‟. The jacket‟s sleeves were too long. He pushed them up every few seconds but got marinara sauce on them anyway. The fifth time, Adam reached across the table for Colin‟s wrist, and Colin didn‟t protest when Adam folded the cuff inside. He gamely held

Offside | Ryan Loveless 51 out the other arm for Adam to do, too. “Thanks. They were driving me crazy.” He looked delighted, dazzlingly so, and Adam had to look away again. When he did, he noticed the other couples, so the word “couple” was in his mind when he looked back at Colin. Nice restaurant. Nice clothes. Holy fuck, I’m on a date. Maybe he‟d been wrong about Colin‟s sexuality. And here he always prided himself on not being thick about these things. He looked at Colin again, feeling open and nervous. Colin, for his part, was busy shoveling pasta into his mouth and letting his tongue dart around to catch bits of cheese and sauce (oh God), which wasn‟t helping Adam at all. “Matt doesn‟t hate you, by the way,” Colin said. “Honestly, I think it was good for him to get moved. Matt‟s the kind of guy that if you don‟t keep him challenged, he gets bored, and then he gets stagnant, which isn‟t any good for his game. You know, there‟s no reason for you two not to get along. This position stuff is all business. We should all go out together sometime.” Colin didn‟t break to breathe as he spoke. He waved his fork dangerously near his head. “Yeah. Together. Sounds good.” Adam forced a smile. Business. He was sick of that word. Colin beamed back, reached over and speared a crouton off Adam‟s plate. “So, what‟s your family like?” Adam asked. Dating small-talk. Change of subject. “Mom and Dad, younger brother. He‟s in college back in Montana. I don‟t get back as often as I‟d like. I mean, you probably know how it is, or—is your family in LA, too?” “No, Mom‟s in San Diego. Dad, too.” “Divorced?” “Yeah.”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 52 Colin winced. “Sorry, man.” The reaction took Adam by surprise. He hadn‟t seen pity over a divorce in a long time. “It‟s not your fault.” “I know, but—I‟ve heard that can be rough.” “Yours are still together?” Adam asked. “Yep.” “Wow.” “Yeah, they‟ve been married thirty years, and they‟ve got a great relationship.” Colin sucked on his lip; he seemed to be considering his next words. “Was it just one reason your parents divorced, or was it a bunch of things? You don‟t have to say if you don‟t want to.” “He cheated,” Adam said. It came out flat, angry. “Oh.” Colin‟s eyes widened. Adam recognized the moment of realization. “Oh. That‟s why you were upset about that guy from the airport having a family.” “Everyone thinks I‟ve got this code against cheating because I got cheated on, but—” “It‟s because of your dad.” “Yeah,” Adam said. “Parents mess you up the most, huh?” Colin asked. He grinned, but Adam wasn‟t able to smile back. His father had left his family and not looked back. “I wish I could have been there for my mom and my brother. The whole thing happened while I was in Germany.” Colin pulled a sympathetic face. “I was going to ask what it was like, playing over there, but if you were going through that—” “The playing was fine. It was great. The family stuff didn‟t happen until I was just about ready to come home. When Mom told me they‟d filed for divorce, it knocked me

Offside | Ryan Loveless 53 out. They‟d kept me so out of the loop that it was totally out of the blue. Meanwhile, my brother was home for the whole thing. I don‟t think David‟s forgiven me for that.” “I‟m sure he has,” Colin said. “He takes his issues out on the blogosphere now.” Adam made himself smile and breathe. “Enough of my depressing shit. Tell me how your parents ruined your life. Great marriage or not, I know they had to in some way.” “Well, I don‟t know if this qualifies, but I was little Mr. Montana at the State Fair. I had a purple robe, scepter, and a crown.” “You loved it, didn‟t you?” “Absolutely.” Colin smiled big. “I knew it.” Adam grinned. After dinner, they drove around town. St. Louis was more compact than LA. The city seemed to have been built on top of itself, but squat too, not like New York, as if it was dropped down ready-made and left there. “You miss Montana?” Adam asked. “Yeah, sure,” Colin said. “It‟s home. But they don‟t have a soccer team, and this is what I love, so….” “Yeah,” Adam said, “I can understand that.” “I probably don‟t need to ask whether you miss LA.” Adam reached over and stroked Colin‟s hair. It felt strange until Adam realized there was no product in it. “I‟m coming up with some reasons for liking St. Louis.” He thought he saw Colin smile, but it could have been the shadow caused by a streetlight. He pulled his hand back into his lap. “Ready to go home?” Colin asked. “It‟s getting past curfew.”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 54 “Sure.” The Gateway‟s player curfew was eleven p.m., an hour earlier than the Galaxy‟s, which was another thing that sucked. Usually. But tonight Colin got up the stairs to the front door first, and Adam followed him, staring at his ass and thinking about grabbing it, spreading it, and Colin squirming under him and panting out his name. Adam fumbled his key. His dick was ready to jump out of his pants and open the door for him. Colin stood beside him, making teasing little huffing noises before snatching the key himself. “Didn‟t think you drank that much,” Colin said. He unlocked the door and handed the key back to Adam as he pushed it open. Their hands touched, both on the doorknob and around the key. Adam squeezed, pulled, leaned, and then he kissed Colin, there in the hall, a few feet from the staircase leading up to the bedrooms. Leading up to something more. Colin naked on the bed. On his back, lips wet, and cheeks and chest pink with arousal as he stared up at Adam, waiting. Colin‟s mouth tasted like wine and cheese. Adam tried to lick into it, scraped across teeth, tried to get inside. He felt a strange tightness on his wrists. “Uh.” It took him a second to realize that Colin wasn‟t kissing back. That there was, in fact, a reason Adam couldn‟t get inside Colin‟s mouth and a reason his wrists hurt. Colin was squeezing them, trying to hold Adam away. Adam came out of the fantasy hard and jolted backward; his body landed against the still-open door. Colin sucked his lips into his teeth and stared at him. “I… I‟m sorry. I thought….” Shit. He read this one wrong. That was what he got for letting his desires direct him.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 55 “Uh,” Colin said. “Shit.” Adam took another step back. He pulled the door shut. “Colin, I‟m sorry.” “No. Man. Hey. Don‟t beat yourself up or anything. I mean, you‟re a cool guy and all, you‟re just not my….” “Not your type,” Adam finished for him. “I‟m sorry, I should have known.” God knew he‟d heard that often enough. Hell, he‟d said it often enough. “Yeah, I prefer, you know—” “I know,” Adam said. Oh yeah, he knew. Smarmy assholes like Logan. Figured. “Look, um, I‟m going to go to my room now. Thanks for dinner and all—” “Oh.” Colin‟s eyes got big, and Adam thought, bingo. “You thought that was a date,” Colin said. At the same time, Adam said, “—but I‟m going to go and in the morning we‟ll just—” “I am such an idiot. I didn‟t even think—” Colin said. Adam kept going, needing to finish before he got even more embarrassed. “—never mention this again. Sound good?” Colin nodded. Adam tried not to be hurt by the relief in Colin‟s expression. “Yeah. Absolutely. Sounds great.” Adam slid into his room and closed the door. He undressed, hanging his clothes up carefully and not allowing himself to think about how much of a fool he‟d made of himself. When he lay down in bed, he didn‟t need to jerk off. His erection had died in the hallway and was currently hiding where Adam wouldn‟t try to find it. How could he have read the evening so wrong? The last time he‟d made such a mistake he‟d been… oh, fuck. He‟d been in love.

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Chapter Four “YOU‟RE up!” Adam splashed the last of the shaving cream off his face and turned around to see Colin gaping at him from the bathroom doorway. “Why wouldn‟t I be up?” “You never get up unless I wake you.” “It‟s only been two days and you‟ve already picked up a pattern?” “Yeah. So why are you up?” Adam dabbed his face dry with a hand towel and tossed it down on the sink. “I didn‟t know if you‟d want to wake me after what happened last night, so I thought I‟d better take care of myself.” Colin shrugged. Adam examined his expression for discomfort, but couldn‟t find anything there. Then Colin started talking, and the tumble of words betrayed his nerves. “I told you, it‟s not a big deal. Don‟t worry about it. See you downstairs.” Colin had the increasingly familiar flush in his cheeks that made Adam want to simultaneously pinch and kiss him. Last night Adam might have interpreted it as arousal. Today, he knew better. Adam opened and closed his mouth. Colin‟s lips were parted. It would be so easy to just slide a thumb inside and…. “You’re not my type.” Adam swallowed, pretended to fiddle with his toothbrush in order to get some control over

Offside | Ryan Loveless 57 himself. He‟d been shot down and that was that. “Okay,” Adam said. He watched Colin go, uncertain. He didn‟t think Colin would tell the other players what he‟d done. That would make things doubly awkward, especially with Doyle, who wouldn‟t want a reminder of Adam‟s sexuality. Maybe with Logan, too, since he seemed like he‟d take any reason at all to continue disliking Adam. Adam wished he could tell Colin to forget about it completely, but he knew that would be a miracle too far. At practice, they spent the first forty-five minutes going over set pieces, which kept Adam‟s focus so completely that he didn‟t have a chance to think about anything else. Coach Darling had Adam and Colin alternate taking corners—long ones, short ones, ones that curved toward the goal, Colin shot balls that sought out Adam‟s head so Adam could knock it into the goal, and Adam sent shots away from the crush of players outside the penalty box and toward Colin, who stood at midfield, waiting. Twenty minutes of delivering free-kicks from all over the field followed with different attacking and defensive scenarios and then five minutes of picking up the game after throw-ins. By the time they earned a break, Darling seemed satisfied. In any case, his scowl lessened and he grunted in a way that seemed to mean “good job,” judging by the other players‟ positive reactions. Adam jogged over to the sideline to grab a drink from his water bottle. “Nice job on that header.” Fitzgerald came up next to him for his own bottle. He was referring to one of the corners Colin had taken. Adam had leapt sixteen inches straight up to catch it on the side of his head and bend it down into the net. “Thanks,” Adam said. “If you bent just a bit more, you

Offside | Ryan Loveless 58 could get better height on your jumps, too.” Fitzgerald smiled. “Man, my knees are so full of cortisone, bending more isn‟t really an option. I leave that to the rest of you.” He slapped Adam‟s shoulder. “We‟ve all got our strengths, right?” “Guess so,” Adam said. He cast a surreptitious look at Fitzgerald‟s knees. “You can look. I don‟t mind.” Fitzgerald pulled the bottom of his shorts leg up to expose more of his knee. There was definite scarring. It looked a few years old, but the pain from injuries could come back easy if a player wasn‟t careful. “Are you two done flirting?” Darling shouted from the field. “Get over here.” Adam froze and looked at Fitzgerald to see what he‟d do at the insinuation. “Yes, Coach,” Fitzgerald yelled. He put his bottle down. “You know, if you ever want to work on your left side, that‟s my best attacking angle.” Adam put his bottle down too. “That would be really nice, actually,” Adam said. Fitzgerald smiled and walked toward Darling. Adam wasn‟t sure what had just happened. He‟d intended to show Fitzgerald how to improve his game, so how had Fitzgerald ended up making the same offer to him? Adam hurried after him, wanting to ask if he had an agenda, but Fitzgerald just grinned at him and turned his attention to Darling. “We‟re doing something a little different for the last hour of training,” Darling said as Corbinson led a squad of youths in Washington University uniforms out of the tunnel beneath the stadium. “Forty-five minutes on the clock. You kick their asses, or I will kick yours. Play starts in thirty seconds.” Darling blew his whistle. Everyone ran to get in place on the field.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 59 What should have been a standard practice game that the Gateway handily won turned into a 1-0 farce to the Gateway. Logan put as much distance between himself and Adam as possible, even though he was supposed to be moving the ball up to Adam. Despite his position on the left midfield, Logan wound up time and again on the right, much to Turner‟s, the actual right midfielder‟s, annoyance and Darling‟s absolute consternation. Darling stood on the sidelines, bellowing his face red. The Wash U kids earned five shots on goal, each of which Michaels blocked, but the Gateway only made three. Two were Colin‟s, including the goal, and one was Logan‟s—a ball that would have been Adam‟s had Logan passed it. After the game ended and the kids left, Darling walked off the field without a word. Colin and Logan wandered off together. Adam hoped Colin was going to tell Logan what a hopeless imbecile Logan was being and not that Adam had kissed Colin. He joined the rest of the team in heading for the locker rooms. Colin and Logan came in a few minutes later. Logan looked more sour than usual. Colin looked distinctly uncomfortable. He glanced at Adam and quickly looked away. Shit. He‟d told. Logan went to his locker and undressed. The alreadytense mood in the locker room became more so. Players standing next to each other conducted their smattering of talk quietly. In a little over twenty-four hours, they would be on the ground in New Jersey playing against one of the best teams in the Eastern Conference. This was not the time for tension. They needed to be gelling on the field and off. If they weren‟t, mistakes would be made—passes missed, inaccuracies would pile up and the team would be in danger

Offside | Ryan Loveless 60 of dropping lower in the rankings. Adam would be in danger. Fuck. If he stayed in America, New York was top on his list of cities to play for (that would serve LA right, too), and he‟d be damned if he was going to take a band of blunderers out there to make him look bad. Some motivation was definitely in order. Adam stepped onto the bench in front of his locker. “All right, look,” Doyle said before Adam could speak. “Captain pep talk.” He glanced up at Adam, questioning. Adam hopped down and crossed his arms, doing his best to look attentive and not embarrassed. Doyle blinked at him and continued, “Tomorrow we‟re going to New York to play a team that is ranked higher than us. Do I say they are better than us? No, I do not. But if we play against the Red Bulls like we played today, I will say that. Because it will be true. I‟m not going to name names or point fingers—” “Because you all know who to point at,” Logan muttered. Doyle continued, heedless of Logan‟s interjection. “— because we are a team and when one person doesn‟t pull his weight, it throws the whole balance off. I enjoy balance. So I need for all of us, over the next twenty-four hours, to get it back. Remember when we came up from 3-0 to draw against the Chicago Fire? When Fitzgerald tapped that beautiful ball up to Matt? Yeah. Think about that.” He rattled off an accomplishment for each player, even including one of Adam‟s goals with the Galaxy, which Adam found touching, until all around heads were nodding. Adam even felt inspired. Now if someone could figure out how to get the stick out of Logan‟s ass, they‟d be all set for an ideal team environment. Something told him that would take more than a speech, though.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 61 “Tomorrow we are going to play the Red Bulls. And we are going to win,” Doyle said, his voice rising. There was a smattering of agreement-type noises. After a moment, possibly spent waiting to see if the reaction would become more enthusiastic, Doyle said “Good,” patted the players nearest him, and turned to fish his shoes out of his locker. The door flew open. Darling and Corbinson walked in alongside a small woman with closely bobbed blonde hair. “Everybody decent?” Darling asked, coming in anyway. The woman held a camera. “Dumas,” Darling said. He tossed Adam a green shirt. Adam caught it and shook it out. It was the team jersey, and just in time, too. On the back it had his name and number, 23, in yellow lettering. He had been 7 in LA, but here Colin had that number. “Thanks, Coach.” Adam grinned. He didn‟t want to be playing for St. Louis more than a season, but it felt nice to have the shirt, to know that he was officially part of the team, even for a short time. Despite the contract and meetings and practice, nothing said “real” like a uniform. “I thought you might need that tomorrow. Now smile for the picture.” Darling thumbed toward the woman, who raised the camera and snapped a photo as Adam posed with the shirt. “That‟s good,” she said. Adam smiled and held his hand out to introduce himself. “Maggie,” she said. Darling turned toward Logan, who lounged like a rebellious teenager on his bench. Darling dug into his pocket and pulled out his keys. “Here.” Logan took them. “You need me to get something out of your car?”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 62 “No. I need you to give my keys to Dumas.” Logan looked confused, but he tossed the keys over to Adam. “Dumas, give them back to Logan.” Wondering if Darling would make them play duck-duckgoose next, Adam tossed them back. Darling grabbed the keys out of Logan‟s hand. “Good. Just checking.” He turned and walked out. “Checking what?” Logan asked. “He was checking that you guys are capable of passing to each other. God, you‟re thick,” Turner said. “Oh.” Logan glared at Adam as if it was his fault and stormed out. Adam felt like swearing. If this was how play was going to go, they were in for it tomorrow, especially if Logan wasn‟t able to keep his personal feelings off the field. Adam would say one thing for the guy—he was good at making an exit. He grabbed his duffel bag and followed, catching the door and flinging it wide before it could close. He could make a damn good exit, too. “Hey!” Logan was halfway down the concrete corridor; he didn‟t slow down when Adam shouted. “Logan! Don‟t be a dick!” That got his attention. Logan spun around as Adam caught up to him. His eyes dilated in anger, but Adam got up in his face anyway, not touching but if Logan pushed him, touching could be arranged. “Look, whatever problem you‟ve got, you need to get over it.” “Is it in your contract that you play center forward?” Logan demanded.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 63 Adam paused, momentarily stunned. “No.” He shook his head to give the denial double-impact, but Logan looked at Adam like he didn‟t know if Adam was trustworthy. “It‟s not,” Adam said, making the words slow and emphatic. “It‟s my best position. But no, it‟s not in my contract.” Logan gave a short, humorless laugh. “Figures.” “Excuse me?” “Always knew Lovell was out to get me. He never wanted me on the team. I‟m not stupid—I know the only reason I‟m still here is that Darling puts me on the protected list every year to keep me from the expansion draft.” Adam nodded. He had lost a few teammates at Galaxy due to that draft. It was a way for MLS to develop the league by letting new teams pluck “unprotected” players from already existing teams. Prior to Colman‟s betrayal at the Galaxy, Colman had always protected Adam from MLS‟s penchant for uprooting its players without warning, but St. Louis was a relatively new team. Half its players had come to it courtesy of that draft. Adam had played against Fitzgerald, Turner, and Doyle at their previous clubs. He wasn‟t sure how Logan had joined the Gateway, but Adam knew Logan was at the Rapids before. It was possible that Tommy and Colin were the only players to start their pro careers in St. Louis. Adam supposed it was ironic that he was so focused on getting out, while Logan dug his heels in, intent on staying. Logan didn‟t seem to be calming down, but at least now his anger wasn‟t aimed at Adam. Logan clenched his fists and bounced straight-legged as if he needed to go through an elaborate physical ritual to keep it all inside. “So, you‟re still on the team,” Adam said. “You‟re still playing, still obviously valued by Darling and your

Offside | Ryan Loveless 64 teammates, so I don‟t get why you‟re angry. I didn‟t come in to take your position, but you‟re really good where you are and if you‟d work with me, you‟d be an amazing support—” “For you to score,” Logan said. “Well… yeah.” Logan brayed out that same harsh laugh again. What the hell was wrong with this guy? Why should it matter who scored? They were a team. If Logan didn‟t get that through his head, they were screwed. “You know what‟s in my contract? A thousand dollar bonus for every goal I get. You know how much money I make?” Logan paused, mouth stretched like he was going to laugh again. Adam quickly shook his head. Maybe getting into a fight with Logan wouldn‟t be a good idea. He was possibly unhinged. “Less than a first-year public school teacher. And this is my fifth year in the league. I was counting on that bonus. And now… I‟ll be lucky if I get three goals. You know what happened? Lovell finally got to Darling. Coach likes to act like he‟s in charge, but when it comes down to it, we know who‟s got the top office.” Adam shifted his feet. That… actually made sense. He was sure there was something he should be saying, something to make Logan feel better or at least to show that his complaints hadn‟t fallen upon the ears of a complete dick. Logan slumped against the wall and let his head fall back as well. Adam made his attempt at comfort with the best thing he could think of: “Well, at least they didn‟t move you to

Offside | Ryan Loveless 65 defense.” Logan lifted his head and looked at him, again with that steady assessment as if he were trying to figure out how serious Adam was. Finally, a small smile quirked at one corner of his lips. “Yeah. There‟s that.” Adam thought about squeezing Logan‟s shoulder, but that was a step too far as comfort went. Logan sighed and stepped away from the wall. “So, are we good?” Adam asked. “Yeah. We‟re good.” Adam waited another moment to see if Logan would say anything else. In the pause, Adam thought about asking what Colin had said, but he decided to leave while he was mildly on Logan‟s good side. That was what mattered for their game against the Red Bulls. “You guys best friends now?” Speak of the devil—Colin. He put his arm around Logan‟s waist so casual, like it belonged there. Adam stepped backward as the need came over him to get away from that ease and from Colin‟s obliviousness to what it did to Adam. “I‟m sorry,” Colin said. “For what?” Adam and Logan answered together. Colin glanced between them and then looked up at Logan. “For what I said earlier. I shouldn‟t have been so hard on you.” Logan shrugged. “It‟s all right. You were upset. Adam and I have worked it out. Turns out, it‟s not in his contract that he screw me.” “I told you,” Colin said. He smiled at Adam. “I told Matt that you wouldn‟t do that.”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 66 “I‟m just glad we got the misunderstanding sorted out,” Adam said. Was that the only thing they‟d discussed or had the kiss come up as well? Adam couldn‟t tell from looking at them. “Great,” Colin said, “then we‟re all set to kick butt tomorrow, right?” “Right,” Logan said. They looked expectantly at Adam. “Right,” Adam said. He gave them the thumbs up and a cheesy smile.

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Chapter Five AFTER practice, Colin went with Logan and Michaels to an after-school workshop and demonstration in Belleville, and Adam saw a movie with Sol and Turner. He was home by five. As he packed for the New York trip, Adam realized he needed to do some shopping. When Colin returned, he was thankfully game for heading out again. Adam squeezed into the passenger side of Colin‟s car, shopping list in hand. “Department store all right?” Colin asked. “Yeah.” Adam waited for Colin to tease him about it not being name brand, but Colin seemed tense as he drove. He kept his attention on the street. “Did you have a good time today?” Colin responded with a grunt, so Adam slumped in his seat. He never could stay quiet for long though, so he recounted the entire plot of the movie he‟d seen until Colin looked over to give him a slow blink. Adam waited. “I was planning on seeing that,” Colin said and turned back to look at the highway. Adam stared at him, trying to work out what had happened. He‟d never seen Colin shut down like this. It was disturbing. In the parking lot, Colin‟s mood seemed to clear. He smiled once they were out of the car. Adam figured out why when a woman pushing a child in a loaded cart walked past. The smile disappeared as soon as they were gone.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 68 “Colin,” Adam said, although he didn‟t have a plan for what to say next. He was almost relieved when Colin interrupted with, “Let‟s shop,” and headed for the entrance. Inside, Colin demanded the list, explaining he knew where everything was. Adam handed it over. Colin let him drive the cart, though. Adam liked that. Drive. It sounded more exciting than push. He turned the aisles into a racetrack. The cart was red and plastic and cracked, but the store was arranged in a way that welcomed and didn‟t make Adam think of a warehouse. He kept himself entertained pretending to rev the imaginary throttle. He bumped Colin in the back once, going too fast. “Sorry,” he said. “Racing?” Colin asked. “Yeah.” Colin gave him the first honest smile of the evening. Adam made the cart pop a wheelie for him and smiled back. At the towels, there was a puddle of water on the floor. Looking up, Adam saw a brown patch on the ceiling that marked a leak. A woman began to slip. Colin grabbed her just in time. It should have been fine. Thank yous all around and everyone on their way. Instead, the woman‟s husband grabbed Colin, shoved him against the shelf, and demanded to know why Colin touched his wife. Adam yanked the guy backward by his shirt. Years of holding his temper in the face of assholes stopped him from punching the man in the mouth. They slid together through the puddle. “He saved your wife from falling and possibly getting hurt, you dick.” The man twisted out of Adam‟s grip and started for him. Adam put his hands up, ready to fight, but the guy backed down. Apparently, he wouldn‟t take on

Offside | Ryan Loveless 69 someone Adam‟s size. Or maybe Adam‟s anger showed on his face and that held the guy back. He looked uncertain. Finally choosing to listen to his wife‟s urgings, he left the aisle. Adam turned to check on Colin. The husband had almost flung him into the metal shelving unit. “Are you all right?” There was a strange balance for what physical abuses an athlete could handle. He could get battered on the field and keep going, but these off-field incidents could be more dangerous. He might brush off a bump or fall, only to find out later that he had pulled something that ninety-minutes of sport would escalate into weeks on the bench. “You didn‟t have to do that. I can stand up for myself,” Colin said. He stepped away from the shelves and gingerly felt his back. Adam went toward him, but Colin waved him to a stop. “I know you can,” Adam said. “I didn‟t step in because I think you‟re helpless.” “You shouldn‟t have stepped in at all.” “Colin, I don‟t know what you think just happened, but that very large man was about to hurt you for touching his wife.” Colin lifted his shirt and twisted around to see his back. Sighing, Adam moved behind him and looked. When Colin didn‟t stop moving, Adam put his hands on Colin‟s sides. He was about to tell him that there were no marks when Colin jerked away. Adam‟s hands stayed in the air. They felt scorched. He stared at Colin with a new understanding. “Is it because of last night?” Adam hadn‟t realized that not being his type extended to not being allowed to stand up for him. It wasn‟t like he was trying to be Colin‟s fucking white knight.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 70 “I like fighting my own battles,” Colin said. “Don‟t make a thing out of it.” “How many of those do you have?” Colin didn‟t answer. He faced Adam with the same stoic expression that he‟d worn for the car ride. “I‟ve had plenty,” Adam continued, “and I wouldn‟t mind a damn bit if someone stood up for me once. It fucking wears me down always having to do it on my own. So excuse me if I stepped in for you.” “It can‟t happen that often,” Colin said, but his protest was weak. “Yes. It can.” Not wanting to give the argument any more voice, Adam picked up a washcloth and put it in the cart. “We need one of those universal remotes,” he said and pushed the cart toward electronics. Racing wasn‟t a fun thing to do anymore. They found travel-sized toothpaste, empty shampoo bottles, and cotton balls. “What are these for?” Colin asked. Evidently, his curiosity made Colin forget that he was… Adam wasn‟t sure what Colin was, but he hated seeing Colin like this. Adam wanted to make Colin‟s problems go away, to fix whatever needed fixing, but he didn‟t know how because Colin wasn‟t talking. “It‟s for applying astringent and lotion,” Adam said. “To your face,” he added when Colin continued looking clueless. “It‟s a skin care regime.” No reaction from Colin. “You know what that is?” “Yes,” Colin said, though he sounded uncertain. Adam started planning how to get Colin involved in taking care of his skin. That youthful look wasn‟t going to last without help.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 71 Colin started off again. Giving the cart a secret throttlerevving, Adam followed as Colin led him into an aisle of hanging doormats ranging from two to six feet in length. Colin stopped in the middle of the aisle. He looked through the mats, pushing each aside one by one. Adam was about to remind him that they didn‟t need one and he was bored and ready to leave when Colin asked, “When did you know you were gay?” Adam almost snapped out his usual response to that question, “When did you know you were straight?” However, Colin‟s hesitant delivery was nothing like the people who usually asked; those people acted like Adam was a science experiment. Colin asked like he feared Adam‟s answer. That could only be because Colin expected to apply it to himself. If Colin was confused about his sexuality, Adam could understand why. Hell, Colin confused Adam enough… Colin‟s tendency to blush when he looked at Adam, the way he constantly moved his hands as if he wanted Adam to grab them and hold them still, not to mention how he hadn‟t said a thing about not being gay when Adam had kissed him—all that added up to gay from where Adam stood. But then there was Colin‟s insistence that Adam try to fit in with a culture that didn‟t want him and his stubborn obliviousness to the homophobia around him. Adam had associated that with something a straight person would do, but those things could also be part of a closeted person‟s defense mechanism… whatever it was, all evidence considered, no wonder Colin asked that question. As he waited for Adam‟s answer, Colin took an unnatural interest in a mat with a bouquet on it. “Colin? Are you wondering if you‟re…?” Colin snapped his head around. Adam took a breath and backed off from

Offside | Ryan Loveless 72 the dare in Colin‟s eyes. Careful, he told himself. This was “tread lightly” territory. He started over. “When I was eleven,” Adam said, opting to answer the question, “one of my friends found a porn magazine. The pictures didn‟t do anything for me.” “They don‟t do anything for me, either,” Colin said. He sounded scornful. “I figured it was because I‟m a Christian.” “Could be,” Adam said. “Maybe you wouldn‟t like the gay ones either. It‟s not the only way to tell.” “How else?” “You want to kiss a boy? I mean, who isn‟t me?” Adam forced a laugh. It came out choked. Colin stepped into the hanging rack, disappearing amongst the rugs. “I never had anyone to talk to about this. I‟m twenty-four. I should have figured it out by now.” He stuck his head out. It seemed lost, peeking out by itself. “My whole life is soccer.” Adam nodded, doing his best to relate, or at least pretend. “I‟d probably be confused too if I hadn‟t known before I started playing.” Adam tried to be helpful, but he couldn‟t imagine ever not knowing he was gay, or of growing up in a way that he would mistake sexual disinterest for an inner morality. He understood how it could happen though, and how Colin could be twenty-four and only now bringing it up. You just didn‟t talk about sexuality with guys who shared a shower with you. He hesitated a second and then dove in for the conversation commitment. “You can talk to me about it.” “Nothing to talk about. I was just wondering what it was like,” Colin‟s voice filtered out of the rack. Adam pushed the mats aside to find him. Colin huddled backward, arms

Offside | Ryan Loveless 73 crossed over his chest, defensive. “It‟s okay. Sometimes, it‟s amazing,” Adam said. “Sex?” Colin arched an eyebrow, as if he‟d been waiting for Adam to go there. Adam nodded because that was true, but it wasn‟t what he‟d meant. “Being honest with yourself. Being open.” “Oh.” Colin chewed his lip. Adam stepped back to give him space. A moment later, Colin emerged and dropped a mat with puppies on it into the cart. Colin continued down the aisle. Adam considered discreetly plucking the mat out. Instead, he followed.

THEY didn‟t talk about Colin‟s epiphany over dinner, which was pizza in the game room sprawled out in front of the television with the new remote. When Colin tossed the last crust back into the pizza box, though, and followed it with a belch that was much too large for someone his size, Adam brought it up again. “Did something happen today that made you start thinking about it?” “Thinking about what?” “Being gay.” Adam wondered if Colin was being deliberately obtuse. “I haven‟t decided if I am.” “It can be difficult….” “Was it difficult for you? You knew at eleven.” He singsonged it, half-mocking. Adam squeezed his anger into the side of the couch. Colin didn‟t have a fucking clue if he thought being in touch with sexuality that young was easy. “It‟s always difficult in some way,” he said. He didn‟t bite

Offside | Ryan Loveless 74 the words too hard. Colin looked away. Adam used the moment to loosen his grip on the couch. He pushed away the memory of having juice “spilled” on him every day until the teachers stopped denying it was accidental and did something about it, and of leaving class early so he could walk down the hall without getting body-checked into a locker. “Are you packed?” Colin asked. After such a long silence, it felt like an apology. “Yeah,” Adam said. That was his forgiveness. Colin scooted down beside him. He wasn‟t close enough to touch, but he was close enough to remind Adam that Colin had no sense of personal space. “Good,” Colin said. “Are you really all right about what happened? When I kissed you. Was that part of why…?” “Maybe.” Colin shrugged. “It was a little”—Adam expected him to say “weird”—“unexpected, but I mean, what do you want me to say?” He paused, seeming to think what he should say next before adding, “I‟m sorry I gave you the wrong impression.” “You have nothing to apologize for. It was all my fault.” Colin smiled, but he looked down at his knees where his finger scratched his jeans. “I guess I don‟t really think about stuff like that.” His embarrassment came out in laughter. “I mean, if that was a date, Matt and I go on them all the time.” “Is Logan gay?” Adam knew it was a stupid question. If Logan were gay, Colin could talk to him about this. Probably would have a long time ago. “He‟s got, um, there‟s a girl. A lot of girls, actually. Why?”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 75 “Just wondering. Sometimes he looks at you like—” He stopped, not wanting to dig himself in any deeper. People mistook the on-field relationships for something more all the time. Adam knew players who had perfect communication in the game and didn‟t speak outside it. “Like what?” Colin asked. Adam paused. Scratched his knee. “Nothing.” Colin crinkled his whole face in thought. “He said the same thing about you.” “Why would he—” Adam sat up as an instinct to run kicked in. “Colin, did you tell him I kissed you?” “It‟s not a big deal. And anyway he brought it up first.” “That I kissed you?” It was important to get the clarification that would put them both on the same page. “That he‟d noticed the way you looked at me. He wanted to know if anything was going on. He‟s like an older brother to me, you know. I was the youngest on the team for a long time. He gets protective. So, I told him about what happened. You know, because I‟m not good with interpreting things and he is. Sometimes.” “He said I look at you like…?” Adam pressed, even though he wasn‟t sure he wanted to know the deeper details of the conversation. “Like you have a thing for me. Do you have a thing for me?” Colin‟s voice wavered. Adam rubbed his eyes. Not hiding, just… rubbing. “Possibly.” He thought his attempt to climb into Colin‟s mouth was a pretty good hint of his feelings. Maybe Colin thought that was what Californians did after a good night out. The cultural confusion could go both ways. “Oh.” Adam braced for Colin‟s new urge to communicate

Offside | Ryan Loveless 76 to lead to talking about Adam‟s unrequited crush, its inappropriateness and so forth… but Colin seemed as uncomfortable as Adam. Colin shoved the pizza box with his foot. “I just started thinking about this,” he said. “Out loud, you know. Before, I had it in the back of my head and it was easy to ignore. I don‟t know how much longer I‟m going to be able to keep soccer the only thing on my mind, so I just… I need someone to talk to, I guess.” “I get it. And I get that you aren‟t into me. I‟m not going to…. You‟re the only friend I have here, Colin. I‟m not going to do anything to ruin that.” Adam grimaced—a little late for that. “At least not intentionally. But if it makes you feel weird….” His mouth felt thick. He wished they could stop talking about it. If Colin needed him to be a friend and nothing more, Adam would be that. “It doesn‟t,” Colin said. He sounded almost angry. Maybe he was sick of talking about it, too. “Oh. Good.” Colin stretched out. Adam scooted the coffee table a little closer so Colin could get his feet on it. Colin smiled in thanks. Adam smiled back and tried not to take the warmth that came from Colin‟s response in a way that wasn‟t intended. “Are you going to let me show you around after the game tomorrow? Give me a chance to show you that I‟m capable of not going on a date with you?” “You realize it‟ll be nine p.m. and our hotel is in New Jersey?” Adam grinned. “I promise to have you back in time to leave for the airport.” “That sounds… tiring.” “I‟m going to show you a good time. I promise. Colin,

Offside | Ryan Loveless 77 you‟re going to love New York.” “The Red Bulls is one of the teams you‟d rather play for, isn‟t it?” “I need to be where the lights are.” “You‟re like a moth,” Colin said. “Knocking yourself into a light. You‟re going to give yourself a headache doing that.” “I… didn‟t mean it like that.” Colin got up. “Well, that‟s what it sounds like.” He picked up the pizza box and napkins. Holding them, he said, “You know, Adam, even moths get tired after awhile.” “Well, I guess I‟m not there yet,” Adam said. He slumped down in the couch as Colin walked away, uncertain if he‟d made things worse.

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Chapter Six THE rush to get out the door at the crack of dawn pushed all thoughts of asking Colin how he felt to the back of Adam‟s mind. Of course, since every time he did ask Colin about his feelings, Adam inadvertently offended him, this was probably for the best. Definitely. Which was why he had no idea why he grabbed Colin‟s arm to stop him from getting out of the car when they pulled into the Gateway‟s lot. And even less of an idea why he asked, “Are you mad at me?” Colin sighed. “You don‟t even give us a chance, Adam. From the second you got off the plane you were talking about leaving. You know how that looks?” “I‟m asking about you, not about the team. Are you mad at me?” “No. I‟m your friend. Okay? Just… try a little harder not to be a dick.” “Okay.” He let himself feel relieved that he hadn‟t fucked things up too badly. “Can I have my arm back now? Corbinson looks like he‟s about to come pound on the window.” Adam looked out. The rest of the team was boarding the bus and Corbinson was indeed staring at the car. When he saw Adam, he pointed at his wrist. “I think you‟re right. We‟re really all right?” “I promise,” Colin said. He smiled.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 79 “Okay,” Adam said. He felt more relieved than he expected. They grabbed their duffel bags and got on the bus just in time for Corbinson to check them off. Adam moved toward two empty seats. He turned around to see that Colin had stopped next to Logan. “I always sit with Matt when we travel.” He sounded apologetic. “It‟s cool,” Adam said. He wondered if Colin had told Logan how Adam had touched Colin‟s face when he tilted it up to kiss. How Adam‟s fingertips had hesitated in order to savor the bristle of Colin‟s five o‟clock shadow. He sat down and tried to focus on the perks of having two seats to himself. At Lambert International Airport, most of the team was given tickets in business class, but Michaels and Adam were put into first with Darling and Doyle. “This is where you find out the pay grade,” Sol said, glancing at Adam‟s ticket. “What about Corbinson?” Adam asked. Corbinson, who should have been in first, was assigned to business class. “He volunteers for it. He‟s short.” Sol grinned. “And he likes to save the club money.” “Oh. That‟s good.” He handed his ticket to the attendant and proceeded down the jetway, following Sol. At the entrance to the plane, he sat down in the front row as Sol continued to the back. “See you later.” “Yep.” Adam had been one of the first class players at the Galaxy, too. At first he‟d felt weird about it, but it had been a sweet day when he‟d finally earned the privilege. Now, he smiled at the attendant and thanked her for the glass of orange juice she offered. “Adorable little minx, isn‟t he?” Michaels dropped

Offside | Ryan Loveless 80 heavily into the seat next to Adam with his own glass. “Who?” “Colin, of course.” Adam sighed. ”Does everyone know I tried to kiss him?” “Just me and Matt. It came up on the drive yesterday,” Michaels said, not seeming to care in the slightest that Adam wanted to crawl into a hole. He nudged Adam with his shoulder. “Come on, you bastard. It‟s not that bad.” Michaels‟s Australian accent turned the insult into an endearment. “Excuse me?” He wondered what else they had talked about on the drive. Had Colin mentioned that he was questioning his sexuality to them? Or was it twenty miles both ways of analyzing a kiss? “Well, at least Doyle doesn‟t know,” Michaels said. Adam glanced over to where Doyle sat, orange juice in one hand and Financial Times in the other. “Yeah. There‟s that.” “Although, personally, I‟d fucking pay to see his face when he found out.” Adam laughed. ”Make the offer big enough and I‟ll make it happen.” “Well, when you put it like that,” Michaels said. “I thought it was a date. That‟s how I end dates.” To Michaels‟s credit, he didn‟t laugh that hard. “Thanks,” Adam said. “I‟m not laughing at you,” Michaels said. “I‟m laughing at Colin. That guy wouldn‟t know how to find a clue if it jumped up and taped itself to his face. I can just imagine his confusion when you—”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 81 “Assaulted him with my tongue?” Michaels laughed harder. “Don‟t worry about it. Look, how long have we known each other? Seven years?” “Danny, I don‟t think playing against a guy twice a year counts as knowing him.” “I learned all I need from standing in the goal, watching how you moved until I could predict what you were going to do before you even knew. I fucking know you, Adam,” Michaels said. “You‟re not gay, are you?” “Nah.” Michaels settled back onto his seat, easy like the question didn‟t faze him. “Why?” “Just putting the conversation into a context. You might be hitting on me.” The latch for his tray table was loose. It swung when he touched it. “Were you hoping to pash on with me?” Michaels asked, teasing. Adam stopped fiddling with the latch. “Excuse me?” “Did you want to kiss me?” Michaels clarified, matter-offactly. “It‟s okay if you do.” If Michaels had any idea how many straight guys assumed Adam wanted to kiss them, and how many others flat out asked him to, he wouldn‟t believe it. Straight guys always thought they were the only ones to come up with the idea. “I don‟t make out with straight guys.” Michaels grinned. ”Are you sure about that?” Out of his teammates, Michaels was the person Adam could probably talk to about how he hadn‟t been sure about Colin‟s sexuality, but now things were looking up on that end. Not that it had anything to do with Adam since Colin only wanted a friend who understood, and Adam was his

Offside | Ryan Loveless 82 closest bet. That was Colin‟s life, though, and it wasn‟t Adam‟s business to say anything. He didn‟t like this teasing, anyway. It was too close to “backs against the wall, boys!”, and wasn‟t that hilarious the first hundred times? “It‟s really not funny.” “I‟m sorry.” Adam waved the apology away. ”It‟s just something I hear a lot. It gets old.” Michaels seemed contrite. “I can imagine.” The adrenaline that came with early morning travel was swiftly wearing off, and Adam yawned. He wanted to tell Michaels that, really, he couldn‟t imagine because sometimes Adam fell in love with those straight men. It had been worse when he was younger, closeted, and didn‟t know any other gay people. He‟d gotten crushes on a few teammates, which had made practices particularly miserable when he‟d had to listen to them talking about girls they‟d been with or worse, liked. One, he‟d told. They were drunk, coming back from another teammate‟s bachelor party. His crush had kissed him and moved Adam‟s hand over his crotch. Adam had given him a hand job, right in the cab, behind the driver, and pressed against him, nibbling the inch of skin visible on his collarbone where his shirt opened. It wasn‟t until the next morning when he realized that his “friend” hadn‟t reciprocated and how empty he‟d felt while he was doing it. He‟d had to develop protections for himself. No more falling for straight guys. It was one thing for them to ask to fool around with him. He had no problem saying “no” to that. If he wanted sex, he could get it, easy. But love that didn‟t have a chance? That was dangerous. “Well, I mean it,” Adam said.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 83 “Did you ask if Colin was straight before you kissed him?” Michaels asked. “No.” “You think you should have?” It was strange to talk about when he mostly knew the answer and couldn‟t let on. “It was… the situation was… all signs pointed to gay.” Adam finished his orange juice and hoped the empty glass could mean the end of the conversation. “Just saying if you‟re concerned about falling in love with a straight guy, you might want to make sure that the guy you like isn‟t one.” He paused. “Of course, some things can‟t be helped. Colin is easy to love.” “Yeah,” Adam said. Michaels said some stuff, possibly about Colin or human nature, that didn‟t make any sense to Adam‟s ears, but he delivered it in a comforting tone, so Adam nodded and kept on nodding until he fell asleep.

DOYLE‟S pep talk worked. They won 1-0 off a ball that Logan passed to Adam (“It‟s a fucking miracle,” Darling yelled from the sideline) and that Adam crossed to Colin, who put it in at the eighty-fourth minute. After the post-game celebration in the locker room, where even Darling smiled despite the thousand dollar fine his swearing had earned him, Adam grabbed Colin and pulled him aside. “You still up for going into the city, or would you rather stay in New Jersey to bask in your glory?” Colin grinned. His hair was still damp from the ice bucket Fitzgerald had dumped on him. “Absolutely.” “Good.” Adam clapped him on the shoulder. “You‟re

Offside | Ryan Loveless 84 going to love it. We‟re going to celebrate in awesome nondating style. Race you to the bus.” Laughing, Colin ran after him. Adam didn‟t even mind that Colin still sat next to Logan. He was up on his knees in the seat the entire ride back to the hotel, smiling at Adam and singing lustily along with Doyle and Fitzgerald until Darling told them to shut up because they were offending his ears.

THE club was situated in Chelsea, behind an unmarked door at the bottom of a short set of stairs, nestled between a donut shop and a restaurant. “I know it‟s different from the places you usually go,” Adam said as he waited for the bouncer to let them through, “so I hope you‟re feeling adventurous.” Colin grinned. “I probably deserve this after hounding you so much about giving St. Louis a chance.” Adam paused as he reclaimed his ID from the bouncer‟s huge hand. “We don‟t have to go here if you don‟t want to. I don‟t want you to see it as an obligation. This is a good place, though. I like it.” He bit his lip. “I wanted to share it with you.” Colin squeezed Adam‟s elbow. “I want to see it.” Colin bumped him, teasing. “I‟m glad you want to show me.” “Okay.” Adam relaxed. It was almost midnight. Their arrival in the city had been delayed by half an hour because Adam had seen what Colin thought he was going to wear. He ended up loaning Colin one of his ties. It made the green in his brown eyes pop, although Adam didn‟t tell him that.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 85 Inside, the host rushed over, arms out. “Mr. Dumas, we have your table!” Adam moved Colin in front of him as they followed the host to the back. Colin‟s head turned back and forth, taking in the boys in hot pants dancing on poles, most with dollar bills sticking out of their tiny shorts. Colin pulled his jacket down to cover his crotch. Adam touched Colin‟s elbow. “We can get you one of those if you want.” “Uh. No.” Adam laughed, delirious and happy to be with Colin in this place Adam loved. “I was kidding.” The host stopped at their booth, gave a small bow and disappeared. They slid into it on either side. “This is not what I was expecting,” Colin shouted over the music. “You really come here all the time?” “Whenever I‟m in town,” Adam yelled back. “You like it?” “It‟s different.” Having a personal conversation while yelling was awkward, but Adam tried, anyway. “It‟s a great place to celebrate. Drinks are on me. That was a great goal.” He signaled to a waitress, who was already on her way with two drinks. She set them on the table. “Your favorite bourbon. Courtesy of the house. Nice to see you back, Mr. Dumas.” “Thanks, Melissa.” Adam slid a glass over to Colin. “This might be stronger than what you‟re used to.” Colin took a sip. “A little,” he shouted. “I wasn‟t expecting you to pass to me. Thought you had the Red Bulls management to impress.” “Remind me next time. I was only thinking about the best way to get the ball in the box, which was you.”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 86 “If I were them, I‟d be impressed by that,” Colin said. “Thanks. But tonight is all about you.” “Oh. Well. Good.” Colin smiled broadly. Before Adam could propose a toast, a writhing body dropped into his lap and covered his neck with kisses. “Adam,” Jesse said delightedly. “Jesse, hey.” Adam pinned Jesse‟s arms down and tried to still his movements. “Colin, this is—” Colin‟s eyes were huge. Jesse slid off Adam and sauntered over to Colin, hand outstretched. “I‟m Jesse.” Colin blinked and stuck his hand out, but Jesse ignored it in favor of pushing his fingers along Colin‟s jaw. He kissed Colin‟s still-parted lips and tugged Colin‟s arm around his oiled back with his other hand. Colin accepted this as if he were a doll to be arranged. Colin looked at Adam, questioning. With regret, Adam shoved away the image of Colin openmouthed as Jesse wriggled over him. Colin was a friend. Not a roleplayer in Adam‟s fantasies… not in real life, anyway. Adam cataloged this one for his dreams. “Hey, man, ease off. Leave Colin alone.” Jesse dropped his hands. “No chance with you, honey?” Colin seemed to have forgotten how to speak. Jesse prodded him until Colin slid over and scooted in beside him. “You‟re a… a….” Colin said. “He‟s a friend,” Adam said firmly. “A very pushy friend. He‟s good though.” Jesse grinned. “A good guy.” “Oh,” Colin said. Jesse set his hand over Colin‟s on the table. Colin didn‟t pull it away. “Are you going to have one of

Offside | Ryan Loveless 87 those guys, um….” He gestured awkwardly with one hand. Given that he was trying to indicate a lap dance, it probably would have been equally awkward had he used both hands. “Not unless you want to. I don‟t want to make you feel weird.” “You want me to?” Jesse asked. “Give you Adam‟s rate.” The wide eyes again. Jesse wore jeans, not like the other boys in their tiny shorts. Maybe Colin hadn‟t realized he was one of them. “He‟s a friend,” Adam said, this time partly in defense of his “special” rate. “I don‟t know,” Colin said. “If I want, I mean— This is a little different than making someone line dance.” “We can go if you want.” “No, it‟s fine.” He looked at Jesse. “You seem nice.” “This is new for Colin,” Adam said. “You‟re corrupting him today?” “Trying not to,” Adam said. Jesse slipped under the table. Colin looked like he‟d forgotten how to breathe. “Jesse, he said he doesn‟t want—” Adam felt Jesse‟s hands on his thighs. “Oh.” Jesse climbed him like a tree, popping up in his lap and lacing his arms around Adam‟s neck. “Live demonstration,” Jesse said over his shoulder to Colin. “So you know there‟s nothing to be scared of.” Adam bit back a moan as Jesse ground against his cock. The fabric of his thousand-dollar pants slid across Adam‟s crotch like silk, soothing and rough at the same time. Jesse worked him like there was nothing between

Offside | Ryan Loveless 88 them. Grabbing Jesse‟s hips to steady him, Adam settled Jesse into a less bruising pace. Jesse sucked on his neck. Adam let his head fall back, eyes half-closed. He was dimly aware of Colin staring. It was difficult to think of stopping Jesse, though, when Jesse felt so good. They should all be happy Adam had enough restraint after the longest he‟d gone without sex since he‟d started having it to not throw Jesse down on the table and fuck him right there. Adam rocked his hips and pushed against Jesse. He didn‟t want to think about how desperate he probably looked. He opened his eyes to see Jesse looking at Colin, who had his hands flat on the table as if he were holding it down. He still hadn‟t closed his mouth all the way. When his tongue appeared at the center of his lip, Adam gasped and came. Jesse laughed against his neck. “Good boy,” Jesse said. He sucked on the spot where he had laughed as Adam tried to stop shaking. Adam gasped again, this time in relief, when Jesse went back under the table. Grabbing the napkin from beneath his drink, he shoved it down his pants and tried to soak up some of the rapidly cooling mess. Colin yelped and shoved both hands under the table. “Jesse!” Adam said, forgetting the napkin inside his shorts. Colin crawled, scrambled, out of the booth. Adam started to follow. He grabbed Colin‟s arm to slow him, but Colin pushed him away. His cheeks were flushed. “I‟m sorry,” Adam said. “I didn‟t know he was going to do that.” “Don‟t,” Colin said. He waved toward Jesse. “It‟s his job to do that. You know what his job is.” Colin‟s face was unreadable. It was the first time Adam

Offside | Ryan Loveless 89 had looked at him and had no idea what he was thinking. Careful not to touch, he leaned in. “Colin, it‟s okay. We can go. We‟ll get a pizza. A nice, safe, non-sexual pizza.” Colin shook his head so fast he vibrated. “I have to. I‟m going to go, I have to…. You stay though, you know. You stay.” “I‟m not staying,” Adam said. Colin closed his eyes and breathed deep. “Okay. Go get cleaned up. Then we‟ll go.” “Okay.” Adam gave what he hoped was a reassuring smile and hurried to the rest room. When he returned, Colin was gone. “Where did he go?” he asked Jesse. “He left,” Jesse said. “And you owe me seventy dollars.” Adam thought about refusing to pay. It was above his usual rate and Jesse had done it without being asked. Jesse looked pissed off, though, so Adam handed it over. “He said I didn‟t freak him out,” Jesse said. He pocketed the cash. “You did.” He poked Adam in the chest. “Whatever you did, fix it.” “I don‟t have a fucking clue,” Adam said. Great, now a twenty-year-old go-go boy was giving him advice. What had his life become? He raced for the door, dodging through the packed bar, but still heard Jesse‟s “Obviously!” trailing after him. In the street, he called Colin, fingers shaking as he dialed and eyes darting up and down the street, looking. Colin answered and said he was in a cab going back to the hotel. Then he hung up. Adam called back; it went to voice mail. Adam hailed his own cab. Just when he thought he couldn‟t fuck things up more….

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Chapter Seven IN THE morning, Colin wasn‟t on the bus. “Where‟s Colin?” Adam called up to Corbinson. “Took an earlier flight. He‟s gone home to Montana for a few days, so you get that big house all to yourself.” “Great,” Adam said, feeling anything but. He sat next to Michaels again on the plane. “I fucked up.” Michaels pulled a mini bottle of whiskey out of his jacket. “Here.” “Where did you get this?” “Snaked it out of the minibar at the hotel.” He extracted another bottle for himself. “How‟d you get it on the plane?” “They‟re under the limits. Let‟s get drunk.” “I‟m not going to tell you what I did, so don‟t ask.” “Let‟s see—Colin has fled to the bosom of his family and you look like a bulldozer rolled over you. Anything need explaining beyond that?” “I guess not,” Adam said. Two bottles later, Adam sat with his head against Michaels‟s shoulder. Michaels was wearing his leather jacket. It felt nice. He had three empty bottles lined up in the seat back pocket in front of him and cracked open a fourth.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 91 “I‟ve ruined everything. Our friendship. We‟ll be one of those player-couples that doesn‟t speak off the field.” “No you won‟t,” Michaels said. “For one thing, neither of you is capable of not speaking. For another, you‟re being an idiot.” “This isn‟t helping,” Adam said. “What you need is a distraction. You want to give me a pash to take your mind off stuff? No strings attached.” “I told you I don‟t kiss straight guys.” “Yeah… except you evidently do.” Despite consuming the two mini-bottles faster than medically advised, Adam wasn‟t yet dizzy enough to correct Michaels on that assumption. “Don‟t you have a girlfriend?” “Wife, actually. And she‟d be totally into it.” “Fine.” Adam reached up, grabbed Michaels by the back of the head, and kissed him. Michaels grabbed Adam‟s wrist and kissed him back. Adam glanced behind him at the businessman sleeping in the opposite seat. He‟d meant the kiss to be a challenge, to show Michaels that there was a limit to the teasing he would take. He‟d expected Michaels to say he‟d been kidding. But he didn‟t. Michaels was stronger than the men Adam normally kissed. His usual partners all but melted when Adam touched them. Michaels was rough and didn‟t back down. He pushed when Adam pushed and followed him when Adam pulled away. Other than their unmoving hands, there was no touching apart from their mouths. Michaels didn‟t kiss like he was curious. He kissed like he enjoyed it. “No strings attached?” Adam asked once he found his breath. “In my case, a kiss is just a kiss,” Michaels said. “So

Offside | Ryan Loveless 92 what are you going to do about Colin?” “I don‟t know. Any advice?” “You‟ll figure it out.” “You are the least helpful person ever.” “Probably.” Michaels grinned. “Completely useless,” Adam muttered.

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Chapter Eight ADAM waited two days before he called Colin. As he counted the rings, he reviewed what he was going to say. “Sorry” would play a big role. “Hello?” A woman answered. She sounded perky. “Colin‟s phone,” she said when Adam let the pause go on too long. “Um. Hi.” Adam shook the shock off. Why was a girl answering Colin’s phone? “Is Colin there? This is Adam. From the team.” “Yeah, hold on.” “Colin, it’s Adam.” “Thanks, Peggy.” The shadow of conversation ended with kissing noises that sounded as close as if they were holding the phone up to their mouths. Adam swallowed a few times, trying to summon saliva into his dry mouth. Adam‟s outing had scared Colin back into the closet. Only this time, Colin had gone so far in that he‟d found a girl. Adam didn‟t have any right to be jealous or, hell, even surprised. But he was. “What?” Colin asked. Adam flinched. He knew Colin would be mad, but he hadn‟t expected Colin to greet him so sharply. It knocked him off his figurative feet. “Uh,” he said. There went the smooth apology. “I‟m—” He could hear the girl in the background asking about a toothbrush. She was spending the night??

Offside | Ryan Loveless 94 “Yeah?” Colin said. “I‟m sorry,” Adam said. “You know, for… putting you into my world without considering that it might not be something… appropriate for you. That it might make you uncomfortable.” There was a long pause. “Colin? Are you still there?” “I kind of need some space right now.” “Well, yeah. I mean, I figured that. Since you took off.” Colin sighed. He sounded exasperated, like he was barely tolerating being on the phone. “I‟ll see you in a few days.” “Colin, don‟t be mad. I‟m stupid. You should know that about me by now. I‟ve got a big mouth because it‟s easier to fit my foot in it.” “Bye, Adam.” “Bye. Um. Say goodbye to your, um, to the girl who answered your phone. Is… she your sister?” “No,” Colin said. “I‟ll tell her you said goodbye.” He hung up. Shit.

“COME on, you bastard,” Michaels said. “Let‟s go get off our faces.” “Excuse me?” Adam had no idea how Michaels had gotten his cell phone number, but he was at the point where nothing Michaels did surprised him. “Shit-faced. Wasted. Balls-up drunk.” “Practice tomorrow,” Adam said, even though it sounded

Offside | Ryan Loveless 95 like a great idea. All he‟d done with his two days off was lie around the house and watch his way through Colin‟s DVD collection. He started with the Muppet movies and then continued with everything Steve Carell had ever done. They weren‟t his type of movies, but watching him made him think that he could get some insight into Colin. “Half-drunk, then.” “Quarter-drunk or nothing,” Adam said. “Well, when you put it like that.” “And no country music.” “No worries. I know a place. A group of us are going. I‟ll send a car around.” “I can use Colin‟s….” “Trust me, you won‟t be driving home.” “Okay.” At too-fucking-early-to-have-fun o‟clock, a town car pulled up to the house. Twenty minutes later, the driver dropped Adam off on a cobblestone street near the river. The Arch loomed overhead. The light on its top blinked at 630 feet above, casting red into the clouds. Adam looked up at the glass door in front of him and went in. It was a barrestaurant and there wasn‟t a line dancer in sight. Adam almost sighed in relief. He looked around until he saw the back of Michaels‟s head and made a beeline for the table. “Hey, you made it,” Michaels said. He got up so Adam could slide into the booth next to Fitzgerald. Doyle, Logan, Ramirez, Sol, and Turner squeezed in closer to make room. “Thanks for the car,” Adam said. “I‟ll get you a beer,” Michaels said. “Anyone else need one?” He counted up the hands that went up and then went to the bar.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 96 Adam wasn‟t sure when he decided it was a good idea to tell his teammates that he‟d called Colin and a girl had answered, but the result of it was Michaels pausing in teasing Logan about his new fedora (“It‟s chill; girls dig it.”) and schooling his face into a serious expression which, given that Michaels was on his fourth beer, looked more like constipation. Adam had tried to stop him at three, but Michaels had waved him off and counted out his reasons on wobbly fingers. “One, I‟m Australian. So that automatically gets me three beers to your one, just based on my constitution. Two, American beer is like drinking watered down piss, whereas Australian beer will put hair on your chest.” He pulled his shirt open at the collar to bare his impressive distribution of dark curls. “Therefore,” he continued, “one Aussie beer is equal to four of yours, which means I‟ve got—” He paused and scrunched up his forehead as he employed his fingers to do the math. “Twelve,” Sol said. Even drunk, he could do math. “Right. Twelve before I‟m quarter-drunk.” He lifted his glass. “Cheers.” “I do have a reputation for nightlife, you know.” Adam defended his honor. Michaels smirked, which conveyed better than words that a teetotal Australian could still put the hardest American party animal under the table in a drinking contest. Sometime between then and now, Adam had drunk enough to talk about the girl. “Seriously?” Turner asked, poking Adam in the arm. “A girl?” “Yeah.”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 97 “Wow. It‟s about time.” “What do you mean?” “I‟ve known him since he was fourteen. He‟s never even looked at a girl. It‟s all soccer, soccer, soccer with him.” “It should be that way for all of us,” Doyle said. “Maybe we‟d be higher in the rankings.” This calmed the chatter down some, until Sol raised his glass and yelled, “To soccer!” After that, best intentions flew out the window to be replaced with drinking and endless bowls of French fries and chicken strips. The quarter-drunk pledge didn‟t last. If anything, it morphed into “Let‟s get twice as drunk as we‟ve ever been before,” aided by a few patrons recognizing them and sending pitchers of beer over, despite Doyle telling the waiter to take them away. Adam wasn‟t certain how he ended up with the waiter in his lap, but in his drunken haze he was pleased with the way Doyle frowned at them, so he decided to keep him there. He was even less sure how that waiter wound up in his bed, but there he was the next morning, sprawled out with his red apron on, although the rest of his uniform was strewn across the floor. Adam sat up, bleary-eyed. “Uh. Hey. Morning.” “Morning. My ass hurts.” “I‟ll get you something.” Adam stumbled into the bathroom. There was a towel on the floor, and the toothbrush and toothpaste had been knocked into the sink. He groaned and pulled them out, and then kicked the towel aside. Finding some soothing ointment in his toppled essentials bag, he took it back out. “You want me to, or….” The guy held his hand out. Adam wondered if it was too

Offside | Ryan Loveless 98 late to ask for his name. He tossed the tube over. “Hey, I hope you don‟t think I‟m rude or anything, but I didn‟t catch your name last night,” the guy said as he flopped onto his back and pulled his legs up. “It‟s Adam. And you are…?” “Gary.” “Oh. Well, nice to meet—Gary? Really?” For some reason, he‟d thought it was Paul. Gary shrugged, which was awkward considering where his hands were. “Oh. You‟re sure you don‟t need help?” “Naw, I got it. You‟re like a fucking animal. I didn‟t know it was possible to do the things we did last night.” “Um. You‟re welcome?” Adam asked. Gary grinned. There was a knock on the door. It was probably Mrs. Marshall making sure he was awake. “I need to get that.” Adam said as he backed toward it. His dick was getting interested in Gary splayed open like that, so the interruption was probably good. Adam didn‟t think Gary‟s ass could handle more attention. Come to that, he didn‟t know if his dick could. He opened the door. And saw Colin. He looked… good. He was dressed— jeans that fit and T-shirt that was a touch too small—and had his hands in his pockets, standing there rocking on his heels, not really looking at Adam unless Adam‟s shoulder counted. From the angle of Colin‟s head, he‟d probably be looking over it if he were a few inches taller. Adam didn‟t notice that he was chewing on his bottom lip until he pinched too hard and hurt himself, which reminded him to breathe, too. “Colin? When did you get back?” “Just walked in. Can I talk to you?”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 99 “Yeah. Absolutely.” This was good. Talking was a good sign. Adam nodded and then: shit. Gary. “Can we go to your—” But Colin slipped past him. Adam turned to stop him, but Colin had found Gary. Colin stared at him through the bedroom doorway. Gary, who was on Adam‟s bed with his knees against his chest and a finger inside himself while he held his ass open with his other hand. “I can explain this,” Adam said. Colin turned around and made for the exit. “Sorry. We can talk later. Or not. Sorry.” He had apparently closed his eyes upon seeing Gary and they were still squeezed shut. He felt along the wall for the way out, only opening his eyes when Adam grabbed his elbow to set him in the right direction. Colin snatched his elbow away. “It‟s nothing,” Adam said. “None of my business,” Colin said. “Really. Sorry.” He paused and without turning around said loudly, “Nice to almost meet you.” “You too,” Gary said. Jesus. Adam grabbed Colin‟s arm again and pushed him out the door. “Colin?” Colin looked at his arm until Adam let go. “We need to leave in thirty minutes. Just making sure you‟re awake. Mrs. Marshall has breakfast downstairs for you. I‟ll go tell her to set another plate for your friend.” “He‟s not my—” But that got such a look of bitter judgment that Adam caved and said, “Okay. Thank you.” “Yeah.” Then he was gone. “Everything all right?” Gary asked.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 100 “Fine.” He could run after Colin, maybe, but what good would that do? And what would he say? Besides, he couldn‟t leave Gary in his room. “Is he your boyfriend or something?” Adam shook his head. “No.” Gary squinted. “I don‟t have my glasses on right now, and I know I‟m half-blind without them, but that dude is into you.” Adam slumped onto the bed. “I don‟t think so,” he said.

“SO,” COLIN said, hands tight on the steering wheel, “your…?” “Gary,” Adam said, taking a chance that Colin was talking about what he thought Colin was talking about. “Seemed nice,” Colin said. “Thanks.” Adam kept his eyes on the road even though he wasn‟t the one driving. But he could feel Colin looking at him instead of the road, where his eyes should have been. At breakfast, Colin had sat down across from Gary and ignored Adam, but he was clever about it. There was no silent treatment. No sullenness. Colin was cheerful as could be as he chatted to Gary about Gary‟s vintage Backward Goofy watch and morphed the conversation into collections they used to keep. Whenever Adam tried to contribute, Colin smiled at Gary until Adam finished talking, and then Colin made a half-interested noise and resumed the conversation with Gary without further acknowledgment. It was fucking annoying. What was worse, he deserved it. Even so, it burned.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 101 The silence in the car was made even more uncomfortable because the songs on the radio sucked. Adam looked for an opening to talk about bad music, but stony silence didn‟t have any openings. Adam changed it to a country station and sat back, banging against the seat. Colin didn‟t even look at him to acknowledge that Adam was willingly suffering on Colin‟s behalf. Adam kicked the footwell beneath the dash. Colin‟s knuckles were white from squeezing the wheel. Adam kicked again. He wished Colin had stayed in Montana with his girlfriend. When they arrived at the stadium, it was a race to see who could get out of the car first. Adam did. He held the door into the stadium open for Colin by way of flinging it wide and leaving Colin to catch it. In the locker room, he didn‟t have to worry about anyone noticing anything off because as soon as Colin came in, the other players gathered around to welcome him back. Adam retreated, ignored, to change at his locker. In the sliver of space between Fitzgerald and Turner, he saw Colin smiling. He turned away and pulled his shirt over his head. He dragged it up his torso, keeping his face hidden as long as he could, making a pact with himself that when it was off completely he‟d stop caring that Colin wasn‟t smiling at him anymore. It was something he‟d done as a kid. Change clothes, change feelings. It hadn‟t worked then, either. “Evets!” Darling slammed through the locker room‟s entrance. “Coach?” Colin asked. The players around him fell back a step to create space. “In light of the soon-to-be-open transfer window, Lovell

Offside | Ryan Loveless 102 has informed me that there‟ll be a scout here tomorrow looking at you. You going to let him take you away from us?” Darling asked. “You tell me,” Colin said. “You are not. You are going to play your little ass off so they will go the fuck away and not want to pay the ridiculously high but totally legitimate price we‟re going to ask for you that will obliterate any chance they have of staying under the cap.” No team in MLS was allowed to spend more than two million dollars total on its players, except for two optional “designated players,” whose salaries were not included in that limit. Adam moved closer. Why wasn‟t Colin on the protected list? With eleven allowable slots, why wouldn‟t Colin have one? Adam wondered if he was on it. He‟d been a designated player in LA, but St. Louis didn‟t use them, so now Adam was not only undesignated, his salary had dropped twenty percent. It wouldn‟t surprise him if he wasn‟t on the protected list after that double blow. “Doesn‟t it make more sense for him to play badly so they won‟t want him at all?” Logan asked. Darling turned his glare toward him. “But then we would lose. Honestly, Logan, shut up.” “Geez, sorry,” Logan said. “Who‟s the scout from?” “Columbus,” Darling replied. “Conveniently, the team we‟re playing tomorrow.” A rush of excitement reared and was quickly silenced. Columbus was one of the best teams in the country. If they wanted Colin, that was big. “Jesus,” Darling said. “Try not to get hard-ons for them when you‟re on the pitch tomorrow.”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 103 “I don‟t know, Coach, their center midfielder is smokin‟,” Logan said. He looked at Adam. “Was that inappropriate?” “Shut up, Logan,” Darling said, making his way to the door. “Not if you mean it,” Adam said. Logan waggled his eyebrows. Adam turned back to his locker. Colin had sat down next to it with his warm-ups in hand. “You think you might want to go?” Adam asked. He felt like he was taking a huge risk by speaking to Colin, but on the other hand, Colin could have chosen any spot to change and he picked the one right next to Adam. Colin flattened his T-shirt across his lap and smoothed it over his knees. “I want to play my best. Need you to help me, though. Can you do that?” Adam stared at him, at a loss for words. Colin was getting a chance to go to another team? After how pissy he was whenever Adam talked about the same thing, it figured that would happen. “You want me to help you get transferred?” “All right, so you haven‟t grown into St. Louis.” Colin looked up from his shirt to glare. “Sorry. Are you going to help me or not?” “So I can be here with nothing good at all?” Adam clenched down on his need to shout. His hands shook. Even if he and Colin weren‟t speaking, he still wanted Colin here. Colin looked taken aback. “What do you mean?” “What the fuck do you think I mean? I mean you.” Adam sat down and leaned in closer so he could pretend they were having a private conversation. “I‟m sorry. I know I‟ve been a dick. The biggest dick.” Colin looked troubled. “Gary‟s really nice,” he said.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 104 “Yeah?” Adam pulled back, confused. “So?” “You and him….” “Colin. Gary‟s my waiter.” He waited out the raised eyebrows that earned him. “Did you think we were…?” Doyle started to herd everyone else out. Smatterings of conversation passed by. Adam ignored them. “I like sex. A lot. So sometimes I… I sleep with guys who… are my waiter. Guys who are only going to matter to me for a couple of hours.” “Adam.” Colin‟s hand was suddenly on his and Colin was looking at him with his eyes opened wide. Colin wasn‟t quite pleading, but the thought that he might start made Adam want to join him. But Adam was terrified too, in case he had it wrong. “Is that the only reason?” Colin asked. “You just… felt like sex.” “No.” “What then?” He bought himself another second working up enough saliva so he could speak. Colin‟s hand stayed flat over his. It didn‟t seem affectionate. More like the object was to hold Adam down. “I scared off someone important to me. Someone who mattered a lot more.” The hand disappeared as Colin pulled back and turned to face forward. “I came out to my family,” Colin said. “What?” Such an announcement should have warranted a yelp or his head snapping to one side to properly stare. Adam couldn‟t move. “But Peggy…?” Colin shook his head. It wasn‟t much, but Adam understood because he‟d tried it with girls too, back when he

Offside | Ryan Loveless 105 was young and figuring things out. Trying to deny, maybe, although now he couldn‟t remember if that had been the reason. Seemed like he‟d gone from “Maybe I‟m gay” to “I‟m gay” in a day and then tried to sleep with a girl later to see what he‟d be missing. Colin squeezed his hands together, watching his palms slip. “I never, you know, let myself think about it. I packed those thoughts away and made excuses that I hadn‟t had a girlfriend because I had to focus on soccer, but that wasn‟t true. I‟ve never wanted one. I needed some space from you.” Adam braced himself for a lecture about corrupting Colin. He scooted to give Colin that space, but Colin put his hand back over Adam‟s. It was no more affectionate than before, but the hairs on Adam‟s arm stood up in response to the heat from Colin‟s palm. “You make me feel what I‟ve been ignoring.” Colin looked at Adam. His eyes, open, questioning, wanting. Fuck. Adam closed his own eyes to push that spark of imagination away. “It was easy to keep that box closed up until you came along.” “You wish I hadn‟t come?” Adam asked. He could see how hard it would be to have someone show up and upend everything a person thought he‟d known about himself. How terrifying. “You know why I left the club in New York?” Adam pulled his hand back into his own lap. “I can think of about a hundred reasons.” Colin reclaimed it. “I didn‟t want him touching you.” “Oh.” That had not been one of the reasons. “Watching him all over you… I wanted to be the one touching you. I‟d never felt desire that strong before. I got scared. And then when he… came over to me… I‟m sorry, I

Offside | Ryan Loveless 106 know he‟s your friend, but I can‟t be touched like that, not by a stranger—” Letting Adam go, Colin illustrated the shape of Jesse‟s body with his hands. He clenched them into fists as if he wanted to grab and shake someone, but Adam wasn‟t sure who—Jesse, him, or Colin. “I know, Colin. I‟m sorry—” Colin dropped his fists. “I wanted you. Do you understand? You get why I freaked out. The feeling, it was overwhelming. I didn‟t know what to do. So I ran. Really mature, I know.” “Hey.” He wanted to touch Colin, but he looked so wired Adam didn‟t dare in case it sent Colin rocketing off the bench. “You‟re allowed to be immature for things like this.” “Yeah?” “I promise.” Colin looked down. “So what happens next?” Taking a risk, Adam put a hand on Colin‟s shoulder. Then he leaned in, keeping his eyes on Colin‟s as he moved forward, watching the caution in them, finding the desire until at the last second he flicked his gaze down to Colin‟s lips and saw the pink tongue peeking out between them. He paused as a new question arose. “This isn‟t because I‟m the only gay person you know, is it?” Colin shook his head and twisted his fingers into Adam‟s T-shirt below the neck, preventing Adam from moving away. “It‟s because you‟re a jerk, but I know that‟s how you act because you get a lot of crap you don‟t deserve, and that‟s how you think you have to defend yourself. It‟s because you‟re trying, and I know you‟re doing it for me, even if you get it wrong a lot of the time; and you‟re clueless, but you act like you aren‟t, but I can tell and I know how

Offside | Ryan Loveless 107 hard it is for you and I might love you for that. And also, you‟re hot.” He offered a shy smile. “I promise, it‟s not because you‟re the only gay guy I know.” “Then I guess this happens next.” Adam closed off the sentence with his lips against Colin‟s, just as he‟d done after the date-that-wasn‟t. This time, Colin kissed him back. His lips parted awkwardly. Adam didn‟t try to put his tongue in. He concentrated on keeping his movements small, keeping them focused on the lips. He slid his hand down Colin‟s back, smiled when Colin mimicked him. Tugging Colin closer, Adam pulled him into a sideways hug since they both still had their feet on the floor. Colin broke away first to breathe. Adam would teach Colin to breathe through his nose. Teach him everything about kissing. He dragged his mouth along Colin‟s jawline, until he nuzzled Colin‟s ear. Colin shook, clung tighter, both arms around Adam now. “So, you do still like me?” Colin asked. Dragging his fingers through the hair at the nape of Colin‟s neck, hardly able to believe that Colin needed to ask, Adam answered, “Yes. God, yes.” He looked up, the empty locker room finally meaning something other than private time. It meant they were late for practice. “We should get outside before we get in trouble. I‟m surprised no one‟s come in for us yet.” “Oh, Darling doesn‟t send anyone in. He makes late people run a lap for every minute they‟re tardy.” Adam shot off the bench. “Fuck! How late are we?” Colin just laughed. Individual fumbling followed as they each finished dressing; Colin changing into his shorts and Adam putting

Offside | Ryan Loveless 108 his shin guards, socks, and shoes on. He kept his eyes averted from the nakedness next to him. At the door, just as Adam put his hand on it, Colin kissed him. It was quick, and shy, but Colin leaned up again for another. “Wait,” Adam said. Colin stopped, confused. “I thought you wanted—” Colin said. “I want to do this right for you. Let me take you out. Our first…. Am I your first date, Colin?” “Yeah. I guess.” Adam smiled through the rush of responsibility that lay on him. “Okay. Well, we‟re going to do this right. I‟ll even pick you up at eight.” Colin slid his hands around Adam‟s waist. “I don‟t think I can wait until eight.” Adam pushed his hands away. “The waiting is part of the experience.” He turned Colin around and shoved him gently out the door. Adam ran onto the field, keeping a distance from Colin, which thankfully no one noticed. It helped, maybe, that Colin hadn‟t been speaking to him. The others probably thought they‟d stayed behind to fight. It was a short practice because of the next day‟s game, just warm-ups and drills. Afterward, Adam tried to beeline to the locker room hidden among the rest of the team, but Darling ordered him back. “Where are you going?” “Home?” Adam asked. “Eight minutes late. Eight laps.” “But Coach—” “You can run now or you can argue now and then run. Well?”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 109 Adam shut his mouth. He looked around for Colin to see if he‟d escaped, but Colin was already doing his laps. Figured. Colin probably hadn‟t even waited to be told. Adam started running. Along the first bend, he caught up with Colin. “Hey,” Colin said. He grinned. “So, I guess we‟re keeping this on the down low?” “I didn‟t know if you‟d want…. It didn‟t seem like the middle of practice would be the place to announce it. Also, you saying „down low‟ is hilarious.” “Rather do it in a press conference?” Adam laughed. “Maybe. But right now, the only person I care about knowing is you.” “Consider me informed.” Colin brushed his hand against Adam‟s as they ran, their legs matching pace as Adam shortened his strides. “I know you said you were going to take me out, but do you mind if I pick the place? Since you still don‟t know anything about this town?” Colin asked. “Sure. No line dancing, though.” “Adam, there aren‟t actually very many places that offer line dancing around here.” “Uh-huh.” “St. Louis is not widely known for country music.” “Then why do I keep hearing it?” Colin laughed. “Race you the last six laps.” He took off. Adam didn‟t change his pace. Fond feelings came over him for Colin, though. The fricking overachiever. Corbinson was in the locker room when they got in. He handed them both papers. “Study these for tomorrow. See you both at one o‟clock.”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 110 Adam glanced at them. Player roster, positions, tactics, key things to know about the Columbus Crew. Looking it over, he couldn‟t help but sub in Colin with the group. It was easy to see how he could fit with them. He pushed the thought away and picked up his bag, not bothering to change. He turned to see that Colin hadn‟t, either. In the car, Adam stretched his hand out, hoping Colin would get the hint. A second later Colin slid his fingers between Adam‟s, folding them down together. Adam faced straight ahead, trying not to grin so much that he split his face.

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Chapter Nine AT THE house, Adam went into his own room and jacked off in the shower. Just taking the edge off. Colin was showering now, too. The thought that Colin might be relieving himself of an edge as well made Adam wish he could do it again, but there wasn‟t time. At eight, he stood outside at Colin‟s door, absurdly wishing that he had flowers, even though he had never given them to a guy before.

COLIN took him to a place with records lining the walls. It was packed with college students from the nearby Wash U. “Is this okay? I love the burgers here.” Adam looked around in amused disbelief. “What?” “So, on our date that wasn‟t a date, you take me to one of the nicest Italian restaurants in town, and for our date that is a date, you take me to a college hangout?” Colin shrugged, smiling. “Yeah, pretty much.” “I see.” He smiled back. Beneath the table, he nudged Colin‟s foot. Colin pressed back, so Adam let his foot stay, occasionally running it up Colin‟s ankle as he ate. Colin looked at him throughout the meal, but every so often his eyes got big, as if the promise of what might happen later was sinking in. “We don‟t have to do anything later if you don‟t want to,”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 112 Adam said. “I don‟t mind.” “No. I… I want to,” Colin said. “I mean, I‟ve wanted to. With you.” “Oh. Okay. So….” “You‟re going to get in my pants tonight,” Colin said. Before Adam could respond, Colin stood up. Placing one hand on the table to balance himself as the immovable bench he‟d been sitting on forced him forward, he reached out for Adam with the other, tugged him closer, and kissed him. A fry hanging out of Adam‟s mouth ended up in Colin‟s. Colin sat back down, chewing and looking smug. Adam picked up another. “You want to try that again?” He put it in his mouth, making the dare as this time he held himself over the table. Colin wetted his lips and took it. By the third kiss, they had abandoned the trick and Adam had moved onto Colin‟s side of the table, his hand on the back of Colin‟s neck. He noticed, not with eyes but with fingers, that Colin‟s shirt had come untucked, exposing a bit of soft skin above his waistband that Adam absently stroked as Colin moaned into his mouth. Upon hearing a woman clearing her throat, they broke apart. Adam looked over to see the restaurant‟s manager. “How you boys doing?” she asked. “Fine,” Adam said. He turned to block Colin with his body. The manager looked rustic enough to start trouble and strong enough to make it hurt. From behind him, Colin said, “Hi, Aunt Carol.” Adam turned to stare at him. Aunt Carol? he mouthed. “This is Adam. The one I told you about.” Carol smiled. Adam shook her hand, still trying to figure

Offside | Ryan Loveless 113 out what was going on. “Nice to meet you, Adam.” She leaned down and whispered, “I see why he likes you.” Standing up again, she asked, “You boys going to want dessert?” “No, I don‟t think—” Adam said. “Two blueberry pies,” Colin interrupted. “Please.” Carol looked pleased and left with the order. “Seriously? We‟re having pie? I was hoping we could….” Adam checked to see if Aunt Carol was watching and dragged his fingers over Colin‟s. “Trust me, better than sex,” Colin said. Adam raised an eyebrow at him. “I mean. I‟ve heard.” Colin brightened. “And after tonight I‟ll know for sure! In the meantime, you can just tell me.” “Honey,” Adam said, letting the word drip, “if sex with me isn‟t better than pie, I‟m doing something wrong.” “And anyway,” Colin said, “I can‟t race out of here without pie. What would Aunt Carol think?” “And why are we on a date in your aunt‟s restaurant?” Colin looked affronted. “She wanted to meet you! I told you I came out to my family. I didn‟t just mean my parents.” Adam sat back and absorbed Colin and his open, slightly hurt expression. With no other choice—he‟d never met anyone like Colin, that was for sure—he gave in. “Okay. Aunt Carol reports back to your family and says I‟m a great guy. Right? Hopefully?” “Definitely,” Colin said. “Especially if you like the pie.” He looked pleased with himself. Colin was certainly a new experience. The pies clattered

Offside | Ryan Loveless 114 down in front of them, brought by a waitress, along with the bill. Adam glanced at it. “This might be the cheapest date I‟ve ever been on.” “Thanks,” Colin said. His lips quirked up, but Adam wasn‟t sure if Colin caught the double meaning or if the amused expression was due to the excitement of having pie. The pie was not, in fact, better than sex, but if the faces Colin made while he ate it were an indicator of the faces he would be making later, then Adam could possibly forgive the pie for delaying his “get in Colin‟s pants” time. “Can we go now? Please?” he asked once Colin had finished molesting his fork with his tongue. Colin stared forlornly at the spit-cleaned tines. “Yeah. I guess I‟m done.” Adam paid at the register while Colin laid a few dollars out for the tip. On the sidewalk, Colin crushed against Adam‟s side. Adam put his arm around Colin‟s shoulder. “We don‟t have to do everything tonight if you don‟t want to. There‟s time.” Colin tensed, ducking his head against Adam‟s side. “Actually. About that. If I get traded, we won‟t have time.” “You think Lovell would do that?” “You know how it works. He might not have a choice.” “He had a choice not to put you on that list.” Adam let his bitterness show. Never mind that he didn‟t want Colin to leave. Colin was an asset to the Gateway; they needed him. He stopped walking and turned so he could pull Colin into a hug. “We‟re not supposed to take it personally. It‟s business.” Fuck, that word was cruel. “And remember, they‟re just scouting you tomorrow. We‟ve got some time before the draft.”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 115 “I know. But it‟s our lives. Our friends. Our families.” Adam tilted Colin‟s chin up and bent down to rest his forehead against Colin‟s. “More than friends.” Colin sighed into Adam‟s mouth. “More than friends.” The kiss was slower this time, out on the sidewalk in the brisk air beneath a sapling tree. A car rolled past. “Faggots!” Adam didn‟t stop kissing Colin. He thrust his middle finger out. The car screeched to a halt and doors opened. “Shit.” He prepared to stand his ground and kick some ass, just like he always fucking had to do, always. He couldn‟t ever get a goddamn moment, could he? “Adam?” Colin said. He squeezed Adam‟s wrist, too hard. His eyes were big and the line of his body was set in a way that said “run.” The car doors slammed. Adam grabbed Colin‟s hand and ran. Colin was more familiar with the area than Adam had known, so he took the lead. He pulled them onto the Wash U campus, and they lost their pursuers without too much trouble alongside the concert hall. Colin yanked Adam down behind a shrub. They waited, silent, as the boys thundered past. “Is it always like that?” Colin asked. “Only sometimes,” Adam said. He tugged Colin against him. “The good stuff happens a lot more often. Like your aunt. She could have kicked us out, but she‟s proud of you. And no one in that restaurant acted like our kissing was anything weird or wrong.” Now that he thought about it, that was a surprise. Normally, Adam never would have kissed a boy in a place like that. But he‟d been so focused on Colin that he‟d forgotten to be cautious until Carol interrupted them.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 116 “Yeah.” Colin nodded into Adam‟s shoulder. “I guess I just, I mean, I knew that that stuff happened, but I didn‟t expect it so soon.” He molded himself to Adam‟s body. Dirt scrunched under Adam‟s ass. He was calling the suit a lost cause. “I was out for a year before I made out with anyone in public. Or got chased. You might be a late bloomer, but you sure as fuck start off with a bang. You have to deal with assholes, but don‟t worry. Your new boyfriend is very good at handling both kinds.” Colin groaned. “Not funny.” Adam got up and pulled Colin up, too. He shook his legs awake. “Can we go home now? Or would you like to have other adventures?” “No, I‟m ready.” Adam thought about not holding Colin‟s hand on the way to the car, but that would have made the assholes winners, so he put his hand out and let Colin make the decision to take it. He plastered himself to Adam‟s side with his arm around Adam‟s back instead. Adam put his arm around Colin‟s shoulders. It felt good this way. This was how they were supposed to be. They made it back to the car, and the house, without any other trouble. Adam was silently grateful for that. His usual desire to punch anyone who called him a fag was stronger than normal, mixed in with protectiveness that he knew wouldn‟t do Colin any good. In the house, they went to Adam‟s room. No discussion was made; Colin just followed Adam up the stairs. He smiled when Adam held the door open and silently asked him in. Colin walked into the bedroom and turned, waiting for Adam to join him. Beside the bed, Adam started to take his tie off, but

Offside | Ryan Loveless 117 Colin stopped him by touching Adam‟s wrist. “I want to do it,” he said. Adam flushed with a heat more suited to his long-gone inexperienced years at the thought of Colin undressing him. “Okay.” Colin took Adam‟s jacket off. He teased each of the buttons on his vest open. He didn‟t know he was teasing, of course. He was just going slowly, letting his fingers trail over each of them and then follow the button through the hole, glancing pressure against Adam‟s shirt, which in turn pressed against his chest. By the time Colin had it open, Adam was ready to rip everything else off and throw Colin on the bed and himself on top of him. He forced himself to stand still as Colin eased the vest off and pulled Adam‟s shirt up. Thank God he didn‟t deal with the buttons on it. He wasn‟t tall enough to get it off Adam‟s arms, so Adam took care of that himself, pulling it over his head and off. That left him standing in his pants, belt, shoes and socks, a look Adam considered immensely unattractive. Colin, however, stared and sucked on his lip like he‟d sucked on his fork, eyes trained on Adam‟s crotch. The thought of Colin and that fork sent a wave of desire through Adam. He rubbed his palm over his fly. Colin continued staring. His freed lip trembled. Adam hoped it was because of eagerness. He rubbed again and earned a shocked squeak from Colin. Adam felt like saying something stupid like “All for you, baby” to break the tension. He didn‟t want to turn the moment into bad porn, though, so he sat down on the bed and pulled his socks and shoes off since Colin had lost the ability to move. He took off his belt, too, and tossed it to the floor, then lay on his back. He tugged Colin down with him.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 118 Colin fell easily, wrapping one leg over Adam‟s thigh. He dragged his fingers down Adam‟s chest, making trails through the dusting of dark brown hair. Adam arched toward the light touch. Colin looked up, hesitating. “Anything you want,” Adam said. “Anything.” Wetting his lips, Colin bent toward a nipple.

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Chapter Ten ADAM rolled over, reaching for Colin, and slapped the empty bed. He opened his eyes. No Colin. He sat up on his elbow, listening for sounds from the bathroom. There was nothing. Shit. Had Colin developed remorse overnight? Adam hoped not because the sex was… well, it was awkward, actually. There were a few misplaced elbows, and Adam was pretty sure he had a bruise on his inner thigh, and Colin had fallen off the bed once and laid on the floor laughing until Adam pulled him back up, but it had all worked, more so because neither of them minded. It wasn‟t even getting on with it and ignoring the ridiculous stuff. They had enjoyed the ridiculous stuff. They hadn‟t even fucked. Just done every other possible thing. Adam had thought Colin was going to jolt off the bed in shock when he started exploring Colin‟s hole with his tongue, but by that point Colin had already fallen off once, so Adam had a good grip on him. After the initial shock, Colin had wriggled his ass right up to Adam‟s face and reached back to spread his cheeks apart without Adam having to ask him. Adam knew it wasn‟t normally considered a compliment to tell a guy he was a natural slut, but Colin Evets had a sexual and inventive enthusiasm that until last night had been locked up, and he deserved to be praised for it… especially if he‟d continue turning that eagerness Adam‟s way. He‟d even tried to deep throat Adam, which had resulted in spit and choking, but he had tried, which was

Offside | Ryan Loveless 120 more than a lot of guys did. And now he was gone. Maybe he‟d gone to church. Adam rolled out of bed. Was Colin one of those “wrath of God” morning-after guys? Colin hadn‟t said anything, but maybe he didn‟t know, this being his first time and all. Adam wasn‟t sure if he could handle being part of something that made Colin feel guilty. He stumbled into the bathroom, peed, and brushed his teeth. When he returned to the bedroom, he noticed a piece of paper lying on Colin‟s—already thinking of it as Colin‟s—side of the bed. Lovell wants you in his office at 7:30 a.m. He wanted me at 7:00. I woke you up, but you said something very rude, so I’m leaving this note instead. Don’t say I didn’t try. Colin. Adam glanced at the clock. 6:55. Shit. Lovell calling him into the office couldn‟t be good. He yanked on a pair of jeans and a shirt. Grabbing a tie and his duffel bag, he raced out the door. He reached Lovell‟s office at 7:29 exactly, heart pounding from running up the stairs. He pulled up to a halt when he saw Colin sitting in a chair against the wall next to the door. Adam sat down beside him. “What‟s going on?” “I don‟t know. I got here at seven o‟clock, like he said, but he‟s just left me out here. He and Coach are in there now.” “Oh.” Adam scuffed his heels against the carpet. “Like waiting to see the principal, huh?” Colin snuck a smile. “I suppose you would know.” “Actually, no. My whole life has been soccer, so I was always careful not to get into trouble. Might jeopardize it.” “You just waited until you were making a few million

Offside | Ryan Loveless 121 dollars a season and then started acting up?” “Pretty much. But I don‟t even make a million. Except for endorsements. Not for playing.” They sat there, waiting and quietly watching Lovell‟s secretary at work. She glanced at them a few times, her mouth set in humorless line. After what felt like an hour, she said, “You can go in now.” Adam wondered how she knew, since nothing had happened to indicate a signal. Even so, he got up and followed Colin into the president‟s office. Lovell was sitting at his desk. Darling was in one of the chairs in front of it. Colin started for the other one, but stopped when he saw it was occupied. Maggie, the woman who had taken Adam‟s picture with his new jersey, sat with a notebook on her knee. Adam started for the couch. “Stay standing.” Lovell‟s voice snapped out sharp, a world apart from the last time he‟d spoken to Adam. Adam jerked into a better posture just from the sound. His hands automatically clasped themselves behind his back. “Mr. Lovell?” Colin asked, sounding uncertain. His posture was still relaxed, but Adam recognized the tension in his shoulders from the night before when the car stopped and the boys got out. Adam glanced at Darling, who had swiveled his chair around. The coach‟s pissed-off expression looked no different from usual and gave nothing away. “What were you two doing last night?” Lovell asked. “I don‟t understand,” Colin said. He looked at Darling, too, as if expecting him to jump in. He didn‟t. For Adam, Darling‟s silence was the scariest thing. They knew. What else could make Coach Darling let Lovell do the talking?

Offside | Ryan Loveless 122 “What. Were. You. Doing?” “We had dinner,” Adam said. How did they know? Lovell got up from his desk and stood in front of Adam. He pointed at Colin. “And was he the main course?” Adam raised his chin and kept his mouth shut. “I don‟t under—” Colin started again. Lovell held up the Post-Dispatch. They‟d made the front of the sports page. He and Colin, engaged in a lip lock that looked almost violent while their dinner chilled beneath them. “Oh,” Colin said. “Oh?” Lovell turned to him, smiling sweetly. It sent a chill down to Adam‟s toes. “That‟s what you want to say?” Colin bit his lip and stared forward. Darling finally spoke. “We need to put out a statement. You guys were out; it was a dare. I don‟t care. Just. You,” he pointed at Colin again, “are not a gay.” “Uh,” Colin said. “We were out alone. You want us to put out a statement that said we dared ourselves to kiss?” Adam asked. “You could say that you dared him to kiss you,” Maggie said. “I could spin that.” “Oh, great. That will do wonders for the „predatory gay‟ stereotype you people keep trying to pin on me.” “What do you mean „you people‟?” Lovell asked, interrupting as Darling looked like he was going to shoot steam out of his ears any moment. “I mean you fucking people who don‟t have a goddamn clue what gay people are actually like despite being surrounded by them.”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 123 “I am not—” “I‟m calling at least one other person on your squad, and your secretary? Big lesbian. Big one.” He felt like crap immediately for dragging her into this and hoped she couldn‟t hear through the door. Lovell only looked flustered for a few seconds before he recovered. “Neither of whom is on the front page of a newspaper or jeopardizing the team‟s chances at making a lucrative deal. So here we go. You‟re going to put out a statement. You—” he didn‟t bother pointing at Colin this time “—are not gay. And you are certainly not gay with him. Understand?” “You can‟t make him do anything he doesn‟t want to do,” Adam said. “I understand,” Colin said at the same time. Adam turned to him. “I want to talk to you alone. Please.” He held his breath, waiting until Colin nodded. Adam looked at Lovell. Self-preservation made him wait for permission to leave. “Three minutes,” Lovell said. Adam marched out with Colin behind him. He shut the door. “Colin, if you start lying now, that‟s it. You‟ll be stuck with it. It‟s not easy being out, believe me. But it‟s good. It‟s so fucking good not to have to hide who you are. You don‟t have to make a statement, though. No one can make you.” Colin dropped against the wall. His curved posture exuded weariness. “I‟m one of the most popular players on the team, Adam. I have to do what‟s right.” “Right for whom? I don‟t want you getting hurt.” “You want me to say it was a dare?” Adam tried to infuse a nonchalance he didn‟t feel into

Offside | Ryan Loveless 124 his response. “My reputation is what it is. I don‟t think your saying that will hurt it, at least not among the people who already hate me for what I am. And I don‟t care what they think.” “Okay.” “Yeah?” Colin nodded toward Lovell‟s door. “He‟s doing this to smooth the deal with Columbus. You know that, right?” Deep down Adam did know, and he resented Colin for making him acknowledge it because it meant he had to think about Colin leaving as well as the problem at hand. “So then say it‟s the truth. Or don‟t say anything.” “I have to play, Adam. It‟s all I know how to do. I can‟t blow this off.” “It‟s okay. I understand.” Colin looked at him intently for a few seconds as if he were searching for the truth in Adam‟s eyes. But Adam really did understand. “Ready?” he asked, one hand on the door. Colin nodded once. Adam opened it and they went back inside. “I‟ll do it,” Colin said. “Good,” Lovell said. “The press conference is in twenty minutes in the locker room. I want both of you there. Dumas, put something decent on.” “Yes, sir,” Adam said. Lovell waved them out. “I don‟t think we should go with the dare excuse,” Adam said. He pulled his tie out of his duffel bag and looped it over his neck. “Maybe say I was really drunk. I‟m already on record for doing stupid things when I‟m drunk.” “That wouldn‟t explain me kissing back, though. I need some time alone. I need to think,” Colin said.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 125 “Okay. But we can compare what we‟re going to say later, right?” “Yeah.” Colin nodded absently. “Sure.” Adam wandered toward the locker room with his bag, taking his own time to get there. This couldn‟t end well. If there was a scandal, it could damage the whole team, and soccer‟s position in the US was too fragile for that risk. If this were a team from any other country, a team with a history, a league with a history, it would be a blip, and in the long run it wouldn‟t matter. But this, a gay scandal in the Midwest caused by an outsider coming in, infiltrating (that would be the word they used) and corrupting the city‟s favorite? This would not be good. When he got to the locker room, a few members of the press were inside, and there were cameras set up. Lovell and Colin stood at the front, waiting to begin. Adam ignored the few questions the reporters directed at him as he moved to join them. “What did you decide on?” he whispered to Colin. “Just follow my lead,” Colin said. Adam hoped to God that Colin would say the right thing. He was in love with Colin, no question about that, and it made it both harder and easier to step back. He wasn‟t going to ruin Colin‟s career or ask Colin to choose between him and soccer. But if Colin said it was a gag, they‟d have to hide their relationship, assuming Colin wanted one. Adam had been strict with his “no-closeted guys” relationship rule in LA, but in St. Louis those rules changed. Because of Colin, those rules changed. Adam would make the sacrifice of sneaking around if he had to and deal with the consequences. Hell, he was already dealing with them, as the attention gathering proved.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 126 “Thank you all for coming,” Lovell said. “Now, as you know there was a photo in the paper this morning. Colin and Adam are a pair of young men, good mates, and they were blowing off some steam after a stressful few games”—he talked over the journalists‟ bemused tittering—“just having a laugh. The picture was taken out of context and is not in any way something that rumors should be based on. The boys are going to say a few words, and then we‟re going to call this a day, all right? We do have a game this afternoon.” Lovell gestured at Colin to speak. Colin moved in front of the outstretched hands with microphones and recorders. Adam watched from the sidelines. Would Colin go with the “just a dare” or the “drunk” excuse? “I just wanted to say….” Colin opened his mouth to start again. “Colin, are you involved with Adam Dumas?” A reporter shouted into the silence. Colin looked up. He seemed startled, as if the question took him by surprise, even though it was why the reporters had assembled. Adam saw the moment Colin‟s expression changed from fearful to decisive. The tense lines in Colin‟s forehead smoothed out. He raised his chin, part confidence, part challenge. Adam edged closer, on fire with the need to hear Colin‟s answer and fearing it at the same time. If Colin said “no,” the answer would crush Adam; if Colin said “yes,” the response might crush Colin. “Yes,” Colin said. The shouting began. How long have you been involved? Is this why Adam was transferred to St. Louis? “It was our first date,” Colin said, and then Lovell dragged him out of the room, using his body as a shield to

Offside | Ryan Loveless 127 push through the reporters. They closed behind him and turned to Adam. “Best first date I‟ve had in years,” Adam said. He flashed them a big grin, and ran across the benches to the door. The cameras followed him the whole way. When he got up to Lovell‟s office, it was locked. He pounded on it. “Do you have a key?” he asked the secretary. “I do, but you‟re not getting in there right now.” “I need in.” “You don‟t. Trust me, honey. You don‟t.” She looked almost sympathetically at him. He glanced at her computer and saw streaming video of reporters giving commentary on the press conference. Muffled shouting, Darling‟s, emerged from the door. Then the door flew open and Darling stood in the doorway. “Get your ass in here.” From Darling‟s stance, Adam guessed the only thing stopping Darling from grabbing Adam and hauling him in was that Adam was out of reach. Adam shot past him into the office. He did a scan of the room. Maggie was in the same place, but Colin sat on the couch. Adam sat next to him. Lovell rubbed his forehead in the leather-padded chair next to it. “This doesn‟t have to be a crisis,” Maggie said. “If we put out a message of support—” “I think Mr. Lovell‟s dragging Colin out of a room full of reporters contradicts „support‟,” Adam said. Lovell and Darling turned identical glares at him. Fury didn‟t sit well on Lovell‟s baby face. “Just saying,” Adam said. “We can say it was shock,” Maggie said. “My position doesn‟t allow me to have shock, so forget that right now,” Lovell said. “Let‟s all take a breath here. Until we can judge what the impact of this is going to be—”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 128 “We need to preempt a mass negative reaction by determining which course of action will cause the least amount of outcry,” Maggie said. Adam couldn‟t suppress a groan. Beside him, Colin had a small blissful expression on his face, which was possibly due to his own shock over all the ruckus he had caused. “No matter what we do, some part of the public is going to be upset,” Maggie said, “so thinking in terms of what is best for the Gateway—” The door opened, and the secretary walked in. She handed Lovell a stack of phone messages and left. He flipped through them. “Interview requests already.” “I‟ll handle those.” Maggie reached for them. Lovell handed them over. “No interviews until we figure out what we‟re going to present to the public.” Adam grabbed Colin‟s hand and held it up in a challenge. “We‟re not issuing a denial.” “No one would believe it now, anyway,” Darling said. “Thanks to Evets.” Colin just smiled. Adam squeezed his hand, just in case Colin actually was out of it. A mug of coffee sat cooling on the table. Adam pushed it into Colin‟s hand. Lovell made a noise of discontent, but didn‟t try to reclaim it. Another nudge got Colin to drink. He took a few cautious sips and smiled at Adam, expression unchanged. “So, what?” Adam asked. “How would you like to manage Colin‟s coming out?” He took the mug away and put it back on the table. “Of course, it‟s difficult to determine which course of action will result in decreased attendance at games,” Maggie said. “It‟s possible that openly supporting their relationship

Offside | Ryan Loveless 129 will be viewed negatively.” “Good thing Mr. Lovell took care of that with his winning reaction in front of the press corps,” Adam said. Lovell turned toward him. “Your being in this room right now is a privilege, son. We could do this without either of you present if you‟d prefer.” “No, sir,” Adam said tightly. “Good.” Having finished with Adam, Lovell turned his attention back to Maggie. “So we could lose people if this doesn‟t go away?” “Right.” She consulted her notepad. “However, our other option is to throw our support behind Colin and Adam, present them as a power couple, both on the field and off, reach out to the gay community, and replenish whatever attendance we might lose from there. Possibly end up increasing it despite the losses.” “I will not have my team turned into a circus,” Darling said. “I say we separate them. Dumas can move in with Logan.” “You can‟t stop me from seeing him,” Adam said. “That‟s probably breaking a law or something.” Darling stared at him. “You are in Missouri. I‟m not sure what the laws are here, but it‟s possible that you‟re breaking one. Or several. In any case, you aren‟t involved in the real world here, you‟re involved in the world of soccer, and there are expectations and contracts affecting those expectations. If you two had kept your mouths shut, no one would have cared. You could have snuck around and fucked like bunnies—” Lovell made a face at that, which Darling ignored “—and nothing would have been made of it. But you fucking flaunt your love, and, yeah, there‟s going to be problems.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 130 We‟re on Mission: Damage Control right now and your damage is going to be controlled. Understand?” “Fine,” Adam said. “But I‟m not going to stop seeing Colin.” “You‟ll stop seeing him or we‟ll send you to Seattle.” Adam shrugged, trying not to show just how much he was seething. “At least I wouldn‟t need sun block. And Missouri‟s law against sodomy between adult men was repealed in 2006. You think I don‟t know about shit like that?” Colin patted his arm. Adam took a breath and calmed himself down. “No,” Colin said, finally speaking. “Adam and I are together. I need him right now. He‟s been through this before. He can help.” Adam locked his attention on Colin, trying to broadcast support and not helplessness. When he‟d come out, he‟d had immediate support. There were no meetings like this. He‟d had a behind-the-scenes team around him, and Colin was getting… what? Told that he couldn‟t have time with the one person who had the best idea of what he was going through? “I‟ll do the best I can,” he said to Colin. Colin smiled shakily. Perhaps the shock was giving way to the truth of the situation. “You,” Darling said, pointing forcefully at Colin, “ought to be benched. I should take you off the roster right now for insubordination.” “No one is messing with the roster,” Lovell said. “Let‟s not get ahead of ourselves. The scout is still coming today.” “Yeah, and transferring Colin would solve all your problems, wouldn‟t it?” Adam asked. “Problems that you don‟t even know you have yet. Shouldn‟t the important thing be winning? Which is what you‟ve paired Colin and me to

Offside | Ryan Loveless 131 do? I mean, I assume that‟s why you bought me in the first place?” The Ians looked at him, completely without humor. Darling looked like he was going to start yelling, but Lovell put his hand up. “Both of you go home. Do not talk to anyone.” “Can I call my parents?” Colin asked. “No. Go home, stay inside, and get back here at the scheduled time for today‟s game. Do you think you can manage that?” “Yes, sir,” Colin said. “Yeah,” Adam said, not bothering with the honorific. He stood up and Colin followed him out the door. They didn‟t speak until they were in the elevator, away from prying ears. “This is insane,” Adam said. “We‟re not allowed to look at each other off the field?” “Yeah.” Colin looked down, awkward. “I mean, I figured….” Adam crowded closer to him and bent to nuzzle his neck. “You know what I should do? I should take you on the field. Fuck you right out in the middle as the fucking halftime show.” He bumped his crotch against Colin‟s hip. “Adam….” Colin lowered his hands to Adam‟s thighs, but he wasn‟t pushing away. Adam felt Colin tremble through his shorts as Colin‟s fingers vibrated against him. Adam pulled back. “Yeah. I bet they‟d let us see each other in public if I did that.” Colin turned around. “Don‟t. Adam. I know you‟re not being serious, but if you do anything to get yourself transferred to someplace else…. Just don‟t do that, okay?” Adam kissed Colin‟s cheek. “Okay.” He could feel Colin

Offside | Ryan Loveless 132 swallowing under his lips. When they got back to the house, Colin‟s phone, which he had left behind in the morning rush, was lit up with messages. “My parents,” he said, “and everyone else I‟ve ever met.” “Do you want me to call your parents?” Adam asked. His phone had no messages. The people who knew him had long ago stopped calling when he did something publicly. They were more likely to call when he managed to stay out of the spotlight, usually to see if he was all right. “I think that might be weird,” Colin said with a smile. “Lovell said you shouldn‟t, but he didn‟t say that to me.” “Leave it to you to find a loophole. But I really think, you know—fuck Lovell, right? I‟m calling. Mom sounded worried.” “All right.” He expected that Colin would do it then, but he put his phone into his pocket. “I missed breakfast. I don‟t think Mrs. Marshall is here.” “I make a great bowl of cereal,” Adam said. “And I‟ve been told that Lucky Charms actually solves problems.” Colin beamed at him, bright as belief. “What problems?” he asked. “I don‟t have any problems.” “Come on,” Adam said. “I think you‟ve earned a big bowl. You can tell me what the hell you were thinking during the press conference while we‟re eating.” “That‟s going to be a short conversation,” Colin said. “Turns out I care about my integrity more than my career. And I care about you as much as I care about that.” “Oh,” Adam said. “Well, I… thank you.” Colin pulled him down and kissed him. “Now feed me.”

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BY THE time they went back to the stadium, Colin had called his parents to tell them he was fine, with Adam, and couldn‟t say any more. Then he‟d handed the phone to Adam, mouthing, “They want to talk to you.” Adam had expected to be ripped a new one for corrupting their son, but Colin‟s mother was surprisingly warm and even expressed disappointment, which Adam hadn‟t felt in years, over the fact that his own mother hadn‟t called to check on him. The whole conversation made him shaky because of the unexpected feelings, and he was glad when it ended. A few unknown numbers found Adam‟s phone number, but he screened those calls. The resulting voice mails were from reporters. Michaels called, said, “You horny bastard,” laughed, and hung up. Colin, meanwhile, turned his phone off because of all the calls he was getting. “This is going to stop, right?” “You did come out pretty fantastically,” Adam said. He rubbed Colin‟s chest over his shirt. “You know, if you wanted, we could run away. Go to Italy. Majorca. You‟ve bagged yourself a rich boyfriend. Might as well take advantage of him.” Colin smiled. “I‟ll keep it in mind.” In the car, the radio played audio of Colin‟s confession. The two disc jockeys‟ commentary was unbridled laughter. “I don‟t know what that means,” Colin said. “That doesn‟t sound good. Did that sound good to you?” Adam turned the radio off. “People are scared of what they don‟t understand.” “A lot of people don‟t understand soccer,” Colin said, which was maybe supposed to be a joke. Adam smiled just

Offside | Ryan Loveless 134 in case. The staff parking lot was empty of people, so they made it to the locker room without getting bothered. And then— “So, you earned your toaster, I hear.” “Yeah, Doyle. I did.” Adam walked toward his locker, giving his captain berth so Adam wouldn‟t accidentally punch him. Doyle grabbed Adam‟s shoulder, hard, and forced him to a stop. Adam spun around, his hands curling into fists. “Now look,” Doyle said, “putting aside my personal opinions on what you people do, if you hurt Colin, I will hurt you. Clear?” Adam‟s fists unclenched. “Yeah.” Behind him, Colin started to laugh but swallowed it before the first sound fully emerged. “Good,” Doyle said. Adam reached his locker and started to change. He emerged from his shirt to find Logan standing in front of him, a little close for comfort. “So, about Colin,” he said. “You‟ll kill me if I hurt him?” “Yeah.” “Right.” Adam looked around. The other players were in various states of dress. “Would anyone else like to threaten me on Colin‟s behalf or can we concentrate on the game?” “No, we‟re good,” Fitzgerald said from his locker. Adam dropped his jeans and reached for his shorts. “I ought to be offended that none of you care enough about me to threaten Colin.” Michaels, appearing on Adam‟s other side, put his arm around Adam‟s shoulder. “We do care about you, Adam. We

Offside | Ryan Loveless 135 just love Colin. Besides—” He made a show of glancing down at Adam‟s crotch. “You really could hurt him. That thing is huge.” “Oh, fuck off,” Adam said, laughing. A barrage of towels, aimed at Michaels, rained down on them. Adam pulled two off his head and smiled at Colin, who stared at him, bright red. As they moved onto the field for warm-ups, Doyle appeared beside Adam. “Just to clarify,” he said, “when I told you not to hurt Colin, I wasn‟t talking about, or even thinking about, uh—” “Sexually?” Adam asked. “Yes. Sexually. Because I don‟t, um, uh—” “Think about my massive dick?” “Yes.” “Okay. Well, thanks for clearing that up,” Adam said. He patted Doyle on the shoulder. The tiers were starting to fill up with early bird fans. The Columbus Crew were scattered around the field in various formations doing knee-up jogs, high kicks, and stretches. Adam jogged over to Colin, who stood among the other Gateway players. It felt as if everyone was watching them. Adam glanced around. Everyone was watching them. Even the other team was looking their way. Adam tried to figure out what to do. Should they hug? Kiss? Shake hands? Do nothing? Most of his teammates were lying on the grass stretching, but a few had started doing jumping jacks. “So, this should be fun,” Adam said, forgoing any touch at all. “It‟s going to be fine,” Colin said. He pulled his heel up to his ass and held it.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 136 “Dumas!” Adam looked over to the sideline to see Corbinson shouting at him. “We‟re stretching, not socializing,” Corbinson yelled. Adam dropped to the grass, sneaking in a squeeze of Colin‟s free hand as he went. Colin hunkered down and started doing sit ups. When Doyle signaled, everyone got up. Adam and Colin started jogging around the pitch, loosely surrounded by a few teammates. Some members of the Crew came over and joined them. They were warmly greeted, obvious friends of the other players. Adam knew two of them, Josh and Corey, but the third he didn‟t. “So, you guys are queer for each other?” the unknown player asked. “Yes,” Adam said, “but not as much as I‟m queer for you. You know how hot your ass is?” “Oh, please. You‟re making my dick limp.” Adam thought about ignoring him. He could skirt around him and run up next to someone else. But then Colin would still be alongside the guy, and Adam wasn‟t going to let that happen. “You know what else makes a dick limp? Initial penetration. That‟s why I like to take it real slow,” Adam said. “Got to lick the guy open first. Get in there with my tongue and fingers. Lots of lube. Really take my time with it. Get him squirming real good.” “Uh,” the guy said. He faltered in his running. “Adam, just pointing out that we can all hear you,” Logan said. Adam beamed at him. “Is that really true? All that stuff about…?” Colin shook his head as if he were trying to force his senses back into place. “Just making a point,” Adam said. “I don‟t like it when

Offside | Ryan Loveless 137 people claim I don‟t know what to do with a dick.” “I don‟t think anyone is claiming that,” Logan said. “Jesus.” “You guys should get a room,” the Crewman said. “We‟ve already got one, Trevor,” Colin said. “Two, actually,” Adam said. A whistle blew, signaling time for the teams to leave the field. Adam found himself and Colin with a pretty wide gap around them, one that seemed intentional. “You think they don‟t like us?” “I think they don‟t want us to have an audience when I tell you that I want you to do to me everything you just said,” Colin said. “We got a pretty good start last night.” “Tonight, I want to do everything.” “You know you‟re making it very hard to think about the game. If we played on different teams, I could get you in trouble for interference.” Colin smiled. “I don‟t think I‟m ready for role-playing yet.” “We‟ll work up to it.” Darling and Corbinson were waiting for them inside the locker room. “I don‟t have to tell you that this is an important game,” Darling said. “This morning‟s revelations aside, I want full concentration on the pitch today. Remember your positions. Remember that the Crew are, by numbers, the better team.” He paused to look at each of them in turn. When his gaze fell on Adam, Adam felt like Darling was staring right into him. “Remember that numbers don‟t mean shit unless you let them,” Darling said. “See you out there.” For a moment after

Offside | Ryan Loveless 138 he left, they stared at the door. “That was… unexpectedly invigorating,” Logan said. “Good,” Doyle said, “hold onto that.” “Let‟s go, guys.” Corbinson held the door open. “Kickoff in three minutes.” As the players filed out, Adam held Colin back. He gave Colin a quick kiss. “For luck?” Colin asked. “Like you need it,” Adam said. “Guys. Come on,” Corbinson said. “If the ref delayed the game for you to finish making out, he‟d have to do that for everyone.” “Could be a viable defensive strategy,” Adam said. “Distract the opposition.” “Then it‟s a shame you two don‟t play defense.” Corbinson waved them out. In the tunnel, Lovell‟s secretary handed out children to both teams‟ players. The kids ranged in age from five to twelve. They all wore T-shirts with the name of a St. Louis youth group, which meant the Gateway and the youth group had reached a mutually beneficial agreement: the Gateway looked good by giving attention to a worthy cause, and the youth group got publicity. Most of the time, kids‟ parents made a donation to a team and got their little darlings on the field that way. After standing with the players for the National Anthem and representing the hope of the future, they would spend the game as ball boys and girls. Adam took a little girl by the hand as Colin received a boy. They got into line behind Fitzgerald and alongside the Columbus Crew. “Looks like you‟ve run out of kids.” Adam turned around to see two Crewmen and one Gateway player without tiny counterparts.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 139 “We had a few dropouts at the last minute.” The secretary did an impressive job of not looking toward Adam and Colin as the obvious reason for the dropouts hung unsaid at the end of her sentence. Colin looked at Adam, worried. Adam shook his head, helpless. “My kids are here,” Michaels said. “They‟d love to do it.” “That‟s two,” the secretary said. “Any of you got one more?” A Crewman put his hand up. “My daughter‟s here. She‟ll do it.” “Okay.” The secretary smiled. She handed her phone over to Michaels. He and the Crewman moved to the side to make their calls. Adam glanced over to the opposing team. With the shared tension ended under the rush of solving a problem, everyone seemed pumped with excitement. A few players, both Gateway and Crew, thumped Colin and Adam on the back, an unspoken “I‟ve got you, man.” It felt amazing. Adam grinned at Colin, who looked both moved and stunned. Adam looked down at his child, who seemed oblivious to the surge of brotherhood rushing through the adults around her. “Hi, I‟m Adam,” Adam said to his child. “You‟re gay,” she said. “Yes.” “What‟s that?” she asked. Colin‟s boy tapped her. “It‟s when a boy loves a boy or a girl loves a girl.” “Oh,” she said. She looked at Adam‟s hand. “You‟ve got a really big hand.” Adam looked at Colin for interpretive help. Colin

Offside | Ryan Loveless 140 shrugged. “Thank you,” Adam said. “Heard you might be joining us next season, Evets,” said the Crewman standing next to him. His kid picked his nose and wiped it on the player‟s shirt. Adam turned his laughter into coughing. “We‟ll see,” Colin said. “Might not want to go.” “Like you‟ll have a choice,” the guy said. “Buzz kill,” said Adam, bending down so only Colin could hear. Colin rewarded him with a small smile. What the guy said was true of course, but Adam and Colin weren‟t even twenty-four hours into their relationship, deep in the time period that was supposed to be blissful, and so far it was anything but. Adam knew the irony, knew that a day ago he and Colin had been doing a great job keeping themselves apart, which was why they didn‟t need anyone else trying it. The line started moving. Each player holding a child‟s hand, they walked onto the field. For the first time since Adam had come to St. Louis the stadium was over threequarters full. “See? Coming out did good for ticket sales,” he said to Colin. Colin grinned. They stood through the national anthem with the children. Lovell‟s secretary led the kids off the field and showed them where to stand along the sidelines to perform their duties as ball boys and girls. “Ready to kick some butt?” Colin asked as he jogged over to his starting position on the center line. “Oh yeah,” Adam said. He took his position on Colin‟s left. Doyle won the coin toss against Columbus‟s captain for initial possession. Doyle tossed the ball over to Sol, who set it on the center of the line in the middle of the circle marking

Offside | Ryan Loveless 141 the spot. Once the whistle blew, Sol would get first touch. “Go long,” he said to Adam. “I think you‟re mixing your sporting terminology,” Adam said. “Just run far,” Sol said. “I‟m going to give it a good whack.” “Gotcha.” The signal came, but Sol lost possession to the Crew‟s center forward immediately. It was the same guy who‟d been a dick during the warm-up jog. Adam was tempted to follow the ball downfield to snatch it, but that would take him too far out of position. Within seconds, the ball flew back, sent by Fitzgerald‟s powerful kick. Adam ran into the Crew‟s half, heading toward the goal as he kept his head up, watching the ball as it soared over him. Out of his peripheral vision he saw Colin running, too. When the ball dropped, Adam got under it, kept his arms out of the way, and caught it square in the chest. He used his body to bounce it down to his feet and took off, trying to put some space between himself and Raphael, an opposing defender who had played in youth league with Adam and was just as big proportionally now as he had been then. Sol shouted from the side, but Adam had the goal in range. At the last second, he caught sight of Raphael out of the corner of his eye. Adam passed the ball, not to Sol, but to Colin. Colin hooked it toward the goal. A moment of breathlessness, and the ball hit the back of the net. Adam had a vision of Colin leaping into his arms kissing him and Darling having a coronary, but then the image cleared. The goal celebration was underway at the corner flag where Colin was on his stomach flattened underneath Sol and Logan and

Offside | Ryan Loveless 142 Doyle. Adam ran over and after some effort located part of Colin to grab. The referee blew his whistle to get the game going again. There were no other goals from either side for the rest of the half. It was an exciting game, though. The fans were in good form, cheering and singing. Adam caught Colin grinning at him a few times when the ball was on the other end of the field, as if Colin was thinking the same thing—if this was the reaction from the crowd, Colin‟s coming out had only been a good thing. Raphael got a few jibes in when he and Adam battled for possession, but it wasn‟t anything Adam hadn‟t heard before. Didn‟t mean he‟d put up with it, though, so when Raphael asked him if he‟d been taking it up the ass when they were kids, Adam told him that if he‟d asked back then, maybe he could have had a chance, which stunned him enough for Adam to win the ball. After that Adam complimented the shape Raphael‟s dick made in his shorts, rendering him useless as a defender. The crowning moment was when Raphael got so pissed off that he made an illegal tackle, tripping Adam after Adam had passed the ball. Adam lay on the ground and grinned as the referee presented Raphael with a yellow card, the game‟s first booking. When he got up, Raphael flipped him off. Sadly, the referee didn‟t see it or Raphael would have been ejected. He gave the Gateway a free kick, though, which Adam took, but unfortunately Columbus‟s wall stood strong and stopped it from becoming a second goal. A few minutes later, the referee blew the whistle for half. “We‟re winning,” Darling said in the locker room. “Don‟t fuck it up.” “Sir, may I say that your pep talks make me look forward to leaping out of bed in the morning,” Logan said.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 143 “I‟m not surprised,” Darling said. “They‟re what get me up, too.” He didn‟t seem to be kidding. “Evets, good job on the goal. And good job everyone for assisting him. Dumas, you especially,” Corbinson said, taking over when it became clear that Darling was finished bestowing his encouragement. “Now, for the next half, go out there and keep pushing. You‟re playing the best team in the country, and you just scored a goal on them. Keep it up.” “You want to get a drink tonight?” Adam asked, once he could get Colin alone. Only not alone, actually just next to his locker and standing really close to him, which was both nice and going to be a problem in about ten seconds because now that his dick knew it could have Colin, it wanted Colin even more. “In public?” Colin smiled. “What can I say? I‟m a rebel.” Adam smiled back. “Now let‟s go tell the jerk playing defense against me what he‟s missing out on tonight.” Colin blushed through his grin. When they got back on the field, after play resumed, Adam realized that Raphael was gone. In his place was a tall blond with a bright smile. As he wrangled with Adam for the ball, he palmed his own ass and asked, “So, you think your cock would feel good in this? Because I do.” “Shit,” Adam said. “They put you on because I scared Raphael away?” The guy grinned. Adam shook his head. “It‟s okay, dude. I‟ve got a backup plan.” “What‟s that?” Adam faked left and took the ball right. “Actually playing the damn game.” With a grin, he took off with the

Offside | Ryan Loveless 144 ball. A Crewman stole it before Adam reached shooting distance and sent it back down to his end. The ball almost reached the Gateway‟s goal, but Doyle intercepted it and sent it to Logan at midfield, who shot it up the field to Adam. Adam raced toward the goal, skipped between the Crew‟s two defenders but saw them fall back in his peripheral vision, trying to catch him offside, which would halt play and give the Crew possession. Adam shot the ball over to Colin, who was a few paces behind and still within the safe zone. Colin ran straight on for the goal. It was a clear shot. No chance he‟d miss. Adam watched, fists clenched loosely as Colin pulled his leg back to blast it into the net. One of the Crew‟s defenders plowed into him. Colin dropped onto the ground face first. Adam and the referee reached him at the same time. The ref held up a red card. The player who had tackled Colin walked off the field. On the sideline, his coach screamed at him about the booking. “Colin?” Adam crouched beside him. “Hurt, son?” the referee asked. He bent down and touched Colin‟s head with two fingers. Colin sat up. “I‟m fine.” He poked his ankle. Turner and Logan had run over too. Colin accepted their outstretched hands and got to his feet. He tested the weight, balancing carefully, and then hopped a little to see if he could bear it. Finally, he gave thumbs up to Darling, who watched with singular intensity from the sidelines. Darling nodded and reset his stance into his usual stoic one. Feet planted, arms crossed. “Penalty kick, St. Louis,” the referee said. He signaled with his arms. Doyle ran over to gather Colin, Logan, and Adam in a huddle.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 145 “Colin, are you all right to take this?” Doyle asked. “Adam does better at penalties than me.” “Adam?” Doyle asked. Adam nodded. “I can take it.” Doyle went to give the decision to the referee, who came back with the ball. Adam set it down on the penalty spot. There was nothing but the goalkeeper between him and the net. The keeper stood on his line three feet from the left post, his body tensed as he prepared to leap to block Adam‟s shot. Adam stepped back a few paces to give himself room to run. He rolled his shoulders, finding his focus. Ball. Net. Ball. Net. He knew how to connect with the ball, how to catch it on the side of his foot and make it fly with speed and precision, make it land where he needed it to go. The crowd‟s roar turned into indistinct murmuring. Adam exhaled. And ran. He was a half-step from connecting when something unfurled from the fan section behind the goal and broke his concentration. It was a white sheet. On it, someone had painted, badly, a stick figure of a soccer player. The figure had brown hair and Colin‟s shirt number. It was missing a leg, which confused Adam until he saw the noose around its neck and the hangman‟s stand. Beneath it the letters F A G G _ T appeared in black paint. Adam absorbed all of this as his foot connected with the ball. The ball went where it was supposed to go. Adam went into the stands. He leapt over the partition separating him from the fans, ignoring the shouting behind him, which was a mixture of celebration and confusion as people tried to figure out what was going on. Catching hold of the sheet, he yanked it down. The owner leaned over the

Offside | Ryan Loveless 146 tier and flipped him off. The fucking bastard wore a green shirt. “You think you‟re a fucking fan?” Adam yelled up. He thrust the sheet upward. “You call this being a fan?” The man rained swearwords down on him. The referee ran over, whistle blowing. When Adam turned around, the ref was waiting in front of the partition. As soon as he saw that he had Adam‟s attention, the red card went up. Adam returned to the partition and climbed over it, dragging the sheet with him. He handed it to the referee. “Get rid of that fucking thing.” “Off the field now,” the referee said. “Security‟s taking care of it.” Adam turned around, and sure enough, he could see the guy being escorted out. Colin ran up to him. “Adam?” “Are you all right?” He grabbed Colin‟s shoulder, not caring what anyone thought. Fuck them, whoever was up there frowning. He‟d be a worse person if he didn‟t touch Colin right now. Adam needed to touch him. Colin nodded, but he was trembling and pale. “Screw ‟em, right?” “Yeah,” Adam said. Inside, though, he wondered what he‟d gotten Colin into. Adam walked off the field, went past Darling, Corbinson, and the substitute players to go into the tunnel alone. He hadn‟t been sent off too many times in his career, but there was something about being in the tunnel when the crowd was above and around it filling it with a sound like a horde of mosquitoes that made it feel dangerous. He never liked staying there long. It was better inside the locker room. He kicked his

Offside | Ryan Loveless 147 locker a few times. That felt good. It wasn‟t enough, though. The look on Colin‟s face…. Colin really had no idea what it meant to be out, and Adam hadn‟t known the extent to which Colin hadn‟t known. It made him want to plant himself in front of Colin and protect him from everything. Made him want to shelter Colin and shake him for being so naive. Corbinson walked in. “Are you all right?” Adam didn‟t pause in assaulting the locker. “Do I fucking look all right?” “Okay,” Corbinson said. Grabbing Adam above his elbow, he hauled Adam through the maze of locker room debris—shoes, towels, shirts—and into the back. Adam fought him the whole way, but Corbinson‟s grip was surprisingly strong and Adam was too drunk with rage to do anything coordinated. When the water hit him, Corbinson held him against the wall until he was spluttering for air. “It‟s just one guy, Adam. One guy.” “I wouldn‟t expect you to understand.” He tried to push Corbinson off, but Corbinson had a vice grip on Adam‟s shirt. “I understand perfectly,” he said. “And you cannot lose your head over one guy, especially not a fan. You could have been suspended for that.” “I doubt that,” Adam said. He cleared his mind enough to realize that he could turn the water off instead of fighting Corbinson. It slowed to a trickle. Adam dripped from his hair down to his shorts. Water ran down his legs to his socks. Corbinson still held him against the wall, although now it felt more like he was holding Adam up rather than back. “I‟m gay,” Corbinson said. “So, yeah, I get it.”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 148 For a few seconds, Adam stood there, breathing and taking in the pressure of Corbinson‟s fists pushing against his chest and the rivulets of water traveling down his face. “What?” he said. “I‟m gay,” Corbinson repeated. “Believe me, I wanted to kick that guy‟s ass just as much as, I guarantee, everyone else on the team and probably some on the Crew, but I put the team first and you need to, too. Can I let you go now?” “Yeah.” Corbinson stepped back. Adam stayed where he was. “I don‟t think you‟re going to get in trouble outside of the required one-game suspension from the red card. It could have been a lot worse, Adam.” “Yeah, he could have brought a gun to the stadium.” Corbinson rubbed his head. “Not what I meant, but I‟ll have a word with the Ians about tightening security.” “Thanks.” Adam started to strip out of his clothes. They fell with wet smacks to the floor. He walked back to the lockers in a towel. “Anybody else know you‟re gay?” “Darling.” “Just him?” “Yep.” Corbinson stared at him as if he were challenging Adam to read anything into it. “Am I going to have to apologize for getting sent off? My last coach, he took it personally.” “Given the circumstances, I think you‟d be better off promising it won‟t happen again.” “I‟m going to tell you right now there‟s little chance of my promising that.” Corbinson crowded up against him, for once larger than Adam because Adam was sitting and forced to look up.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 149 “Team first, Adam.” “Team first,” Adam said and pasted on a smile for good measure. “People figure out how to bait you, they‟ll do it every game. You made it pretty obvious that the way to do that is through Colin.” “Which gives Lovell an excuse to transfer one of us.” “I‟m going to tell you a secret. Colin isn‟t on the available player list right now. Despite the scout that‟s here, Lovell‟s got no intention of moving him out. But if shit like today keeps happening….” “I get it,” Adam said. “I‟ll be good. I promise.” He directed a cheesy smile upward, and Corbinson rolled his eyes. Inside, though, relief rolled through him. “I have to go back out there. Darling told me to come in here and lock you in the sauna if you were out of control. Are you out of control?” “No.” “Okay.” Corbinson started out. “You can go home if you want.” “I‟ll wait for Colin.” They both looked up as a swell of noise erupted from the crowd. “Suit yourself,” Corbinson said. “Coach? I won‟t tell anyone you‟re gay.” Corbinson shrugged. “Maybe I‟ll start telling people. Careful, Dumas, you just might start getting inspirational.” Adam smiled, this time for real.

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Chapter Eleven COLIN swore that he was okay to drive, but Adam took the keys because Colin‟s hands were shaking. “It‟s adrenaline,” he said. “From winning.” “Uh-huh.” Adam guided Colin into the passenger seat and fastened his seat belt for him when Colin fumbled that too. “It‟s okay to be freaked out. You really jumped in at the deep end.” “I‟m fine. I mean, come on, it was just a sign.” His face was pale. Adam reached over and squeezed his knee. “You didn‟t have to do that, you know. Jump into the stands? You‟re crazy.” Colin shook his head in disbelief. “I told you, I‟m going to protect you, as much as I can.” “Adam—” “No. You listen, Colin. I told you before that no one ever stands up for me when shit like that happens. I‟ve got support, but nobody dives into stands for me. Except, my brother, once. There was this kid at school calling me a fag when I was sixteen, and David punched him.” “He beat him up for you?” Colin asked. “Oh, hell no. David was a chubby couch potato. He got his ass kicked.” Adam could still visualize it, David with his pasty clenched fists flailing without technique, startling grunts out of Andrew Parker, the boy who scared everyone on the playground, until Andrew knocked David over and sat on him. Adam ended up pulling Parker off and getting into

Offside | Ryan Loveless 151 the fight, too. The memory of his antagonistic brother deciding that no one else was allowed to insult Adam still made him well up. He blinked to get that under control. “It was the bravest thing I‟ve seen anyone do. We didn‟t get along, you know. All we did was fight but that… that was him showing how much he loved me.” He turned toward Colin, who was misty-eyed. “I want you to feel like that.” “I want to have sex with you we get home,” Colin said. “I mean, I want you in me. Would you do that?” “I thought we were going to go slow,” Adam said carefully. Colin moved Adam‟s hand up to his crotch, pushed it down over his dick. Adam felt it harden beneath his palm. “I want you to.” “I want to, too.” “Good.” They ate first, saltines and cheese washed down with Coca-Cola. Adam still had cracker in his mouth when he herded Colin against the kitchen counter and tugged Colin‟s shirt off. “I wanted to do this when I saw you at the airport,” he said, pushing his hands down the back of Colin‟s pants. Colin opened his legs and sucked in his stomach to make room. “I started wanting you when you came down to breakfast in that suit.” “I‟ll wear it more,” Adam said before he remembered that hiding in the shrubs had ruined it. He‟d buy another and wear it, all the time. “You looked shy when I teased you. It was that, not the suit.” “Oh.” He‟d never had someone pay attention to him like that before. Colin choked when Adam circled his hole and

Offside | Ryan Loveless 152 pushed inside, teasing him up to the first knuckle. He wanted to give something back to Colin, to show him that he cared just as much. “Upstairs?” he asked. Colin nodded dumbly and licked cracker crumbs from the corner of his lips. Adam guided them into his room. He had Colin naked by the time they crossed the doorway and a bruise rising on his neck. Colin‟s clothes left a trail of irrefutable evidence on the staircase for Mrs. Marshall to find. Colin‟s last sock fell at Adam‟s door. Adam dropped him on the bed and in complete contrast from the night before was out of his clothes before Colin had had the chance to arrange himself in the middle of the mattress. Adam flipped Colin onto his stomach and dragged his hands down Colin‟s shoulders, over his back and hips. “Adam?” Colin trembled on his name. “I‟ve got you,” Adam said. He grabbed Colin‟s hands and held on as his lips traveled down Colin‟s side to linger on his hipbone. Colin squeezed him back. “That guy today….” Colin tried to roll over. Adam let him. “I know,” Adam said. He kissed Colin‟s mouth. Colin kissed back, hard. He pushed Adam‟s hand between his legs, shoving it past his cock and down. “Fuck me. Please.” “I will. I promise.” Adam dribbled lube over his hand and slipped two fingers in, holding Colin down as he writhed. He fucked Colin on his fingers until Colin clawed his arms, pleading. There was nothing on Colin‟s mind now but this, and Adam wanted it to stay that way. He kissed Colin again. “I‟m going to lie down. I want you on top. That way you can

Offside | Ryan Loveless 153 judge how much you can take. Think you can do that?” Colin nodded as the words sank in. He whimpered when Adam pulled his fingers free, but just as quickly was up, pushing Adam onto his back and going for his cock. He swallowed it noisily, all spit and lip and awkwardness, but Adam‟s hips moved like a piston anyway until Colin moved off, coughing. Adam reached down to roll on a condom. “Colin,” Adam said, this time the one begging. Colin faced him as he straddled Adam‟s thighs, reaching back for Adam‟s cock. Adam hissed as Colin slipped it against his backside, searching for the point of entry. He rested his hands on Colin‟s hips to steady him, and watched Colin‟s face change as Adam felt the tight pressure around the head of his cock. Colin‟s expression ran the gamut from anticipation to surprise to pain to determination and then finally pleasure as Colin eased himself down. He sat with his hipbones flush against Adam‟s. “Okay?” Adam asked. “Yeah,” Colin said. He started rising up. Adam lost his voice. Colin was going slow. He wanted him to speed up, hell, wanted to hold Colin still and pound into him, but Colin moaned and rocked back and forth, so entrancing that Adam kept his hands on Colin‟s hips and let him do what he wanted. Colin had his eyes open. He looked down at Adam as if Adam was magic. Damn right he was magic, at least when it came to this. “You know how gorgeous you are?” Adam reached up to bring Colin down for a kiss. As soon as he touched Colin‟s shoulder, Colin‟s eyes rolled backward and his body dropped forward with such force that his head bounced off Adam‟s shoulder.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 154 “Colin?” Adam poked Colin‟s shoulder. He didn‟t move. “Hey. Not funny. Come on.” Adam poked again, harder. Colin‟s nose was flat against Adam‟s chest. He gently turned Colin‟s head. He was out cold. Fuck. “Colin? Colin?” Adam grabbed Colin‟s shoulders, frantic and scared. He didn‟t know if he should shake him or… he confirmed that Colin was breathing. Good. Reaching for his phone, Adam tried not to move him too much. By the time he switched it on, Colin was groggily lifting his head. “Wha?” “You fainted. I have to….” Adam was still inside Colin, more firmly seated now than before Colin‟s departure from consciousness. He tried to shift Colin up so he could pull out, but Colin was as movable as a sandbag. Colin uttered strings of consonants, which Adam interpreted as “quit it” when Colin tried to push Adam‟s hands away from his ass where Adam was trying to pull his dick out. Adam eluded him without much effort. He rolled Colin onto his back. “Should I call 911? Are you… Colin? Should I?” He leaned over Colin and pulled his eyelids down, not sure what he was looking for, but he knew that that was something you did in these situations. Maybe. He‟d never been in— “My dick made you faint,” he said, both flabbergasted and accusing. “Mm,” Colin said dreamily. Adam poked him in the side, hard. Colin‟s eyes shot open. “Stay the fuck awake. I‟m calling 911.” “‟m fine. Just need a minute. Water. Dizzy.” “Right. Yes. Right.” Adam got up and sprinted down the stairs, praying that Mrs. Marshall hadn‟t decided to do some early-evening cleaning because he wasn‟t stopping for

Offside | Ryan Loveless 155 shorts. Halfway down he remembered that there was a sink in the bathroom in his room and turned around and sprinted back up. When he got back into the room, Colin was sitting up. “Should you be doing that?” Adam stopped, caught between going to Colin and getting him the water he needed. “I‟m okay,” Colin said. “Just. Water. Please.” Adam got the water. He hovered over Colin as he drank it, stopping himself from wringing his hands. “Should I call the team medic, at least?” “No.” Colin looked horrified. “Definitely not.” He handed the empty glass back. “I‟m fine. You‟ll be bragging about how your massive dick made me faint in no time.” “That was really fucking scary, Colin.” Colin reached for his hand and pulled Adam down on the bed with him. “So let‟s not think about it anymore. Let‟s go to sleep, all right?” Adam smoothed his hand over Colin‟s forehead, wiping off the beads of sweat that lingered there. “You‟re really all right?” Colin stretched up and kissed Adam on the lips. “Yeah. I promise.” After examining every bit of Colin‟s face for any sign of deception, Adam decided it was safe to agree. “Okay.” Colin scooted backward and tucked himself under the covers. Adam followed suit, curling Colin‟s body into his. They lay there for a few minutes. “So… is it too soon to start bragging? Since you‟re feeling better.” Colin‟s elbow applied the answer firmly and convincingly to his ribs.

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Chapter Twelve “FAGS ARE MINISTERS OF SIN.” Adam blinked his eyes open and looked at the clock. Six a.m. He slid out from beneath Colin, trying not to jostle him too much. “BEWARE DISGUISE.”

THE

FAGGOT,

FOR

HE

IS

SATAN

IN

Adam stumbled over to the window, pulled the curtain back and looked out. There was a man standing on the sidewalk on the opposite side of the street holding a sign and a bullhorn. “What is it?” Colin asked. “Just one guy. Might be the same one from yesterday.” Adam let the curtain fall. “I‟m calling the police.” “Okay.” Colin looked worried, which was how Adam felt. They got dressed while they waited for the police. The man‟s shouting stopped only once. They looked out the window and saw Mrs. Marshall yelling at him. As soon as she stopped, he started again. “I‟m really sorry about this,” Adam said. “You didn‟t make me come out,” Colin said, “and do you think those words would hurt any less if I hadn‟t?” Adam sat down on the bed. “Colin, I need you to promise me something.” “Anything.” Colin came over, smiling. “Promise me that you won‟t start hating me because of

Offside | Ryan Loveless 157 everything that‟s going to happen.” “Adam….” “You couldn‟t have expected…. And it might get worse, Colin. A lot worse. If I hadn‟t—” “Forced me to fall in love with you?” Adam looked away so Colin wouldn‟t see how true that felt, but Colin caught his chin and tilted his face up. “Colin….” “I need you,” Colin said. “Okay?” He wanted to say no, knew that he should, but he couldn‟t. “Okay.” The police came and said that they could stop the man from using the bullhorn due to noise pollution laws, but not from “assembling” or having the sign. Adam thanked them. He and Colin both signed autographs for their kids. Colin gave them Lovell‟s secretary‟s phone number so they could find out how to sign their kids on as ball boys. (“Police officer’s kids can do it for free.”) “I was going to try waking you up with a blow job, but you got up first,” Colin said as they were on the way into practice. “Well, then I really hate that guy outside,” Adam said. “Me too.”

THEY held hands in the car. Colin liked holding hands more than anyone Adam had ever been with. Adam didn‟t mind. Despite the ruckus going on around them, when Adam had Colin‟s hand in his, he felt young and romantic. That feeling lasted only as long as it took to walk into

Offside | Ryan Loveless 158 the stadium, because the security guard sent them straight up to Lovell‟s office. The meeting went the same as the day before. The Gateway still didn‟t have an official response; they still wanted Adam and Colin to lay low. Darling, however, was livid about the banner. He emphasized his reaction with shouting and hand-waving and in the end it was decided through some logic Adam didn‟t catch that Colin would do an interview with one of the local gay rags. Apparently, it was better that he do it alone because, “If you‟re there, it could seem like you‟re influencing him,” Maggie said. “No one who would think that is going to be reading that newspaper,” Adam said. “If you‟re concerned about Colin saving his image in the sight of homophobic bastards, put him in something they‟ll read. We should do an interview as a couple in the gay news. Or why not branch out to other gay-friendly outlets? MTV?” “Spoken with the voice of experience,” said Lovell. “Well, I‟ve had some, sir,” Adam said. “That wasn‟t a compliment.” “I would never delude myself that it was.” The fatherly demeanor that Adam had initially observed in Lovell had disappeared in the last twenty-four hours. “Actually, I think Adam has some good ideas,” Maggie said. “I‟ll make some calls.” “I want both of them doing interviews about soccer, too,” Lovell said. “I want every interview they do to be seventy percent focused on the game. Put it in the interview contracts.” “Will do,” Maggie said. She got up and left. “Go practice,” Darling said.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 159 Adam started to ask what was going to happen. “Go,” Darling said. They went. In preparation for playing without Adam due to his enforced absence after the red card, Darling had brought Alex Hanover off the substitute lineup. “He‟s a midfielder and Darling‟s putting him in your position,” Logan whispered to Adam during a brief downtime. “I told you Lovell hates me. Experienced frontman right here, unused.” Since clearing up Logan‟s misconception about Adam‟s contract, Adam and Logan had been on friendly, if not buddy-buddy, terms. “Hans is alright,” said Colin. “Leave it to you to see the positive,” Logan said. “Always,” said Colin.

THE week continued, swirling away in interviews, practices, and dates. From the bench, Adam watched the Gateway lose to the Chicago Fire in front of a packed crowd. He and Colin got letters, more good than bad, but the bad ones were scary, and Adam made Colin contact the police about a few of them. They found out that their protester was named Stuart, and based on his schedule for standing outside, surmised that he was a schoolteacher. They could set their clocks by him. The sex got better. They cut Colin‟s falling off the bed down to twice a night, and that was only because Adam got acrobatic and rimming surprised Colin no matter how much warning Adam gave. Colin fainted again, but it wasn‟t so scary the second time. Adam accused him of being related to one of those

Offside | Ryan Loveless 160 fainting goats and looked up what to do on the Internet. When he and Colin went out, people took so many pictures that Colin stopped looking around to see where the flashes came from. “Hey, look,” Colin said, “the lights came to St. Louis. Just what you wanted.” “The lights are here for you,” Adam said, and kissed him.

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Chapter Thirteen “ADAM.” A voice followed after him through the tunnel as Adam headed for the locker room. “Excitement just follows you, doesn‟t it?” Adam recognized Colman‟s voice, but in order to believe it was his former LA Galaxy employer, he had to turn around. Colman smiled at him, looking like a one-man welcoming committee, even though he stood beneath the Gateway‟s stadium. But Colman had never been one to get hooked on the specifics of who should be in charge, unless it was him in the first place. “Looks like it,” Adam said. “Didn‟t expect you to be traveling with your team.” Colman walked the few feet between them. “You‟re looking good, Adam. Staying fit. Playing well. I knew St. Louis would be good for you.” Like hell he did. “Thank you, Steve,” Adam said. Colman narrowed his eyes at the familiarity, but as far as Adam was concerned, he was Steve from here on out. There would be no more “sir,” no more “mister.” Those were honorifics for men he respected, and Colman had stomped on Adam‟s respect. Adam had lost a father when Colman had sent him away. Or rather, he‟d lost what he‟d thought was a paternal relationship, but Colman had made it clear that Adam was wrong about that. It’s just business. Even when Adam was barely pubescent, it was just fucking business. He gave the bastard a big smile.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 162 Colman patted him on the shoulder. “I‟d wish you luck today, but….” Adam didn‟t bother brushing his hand off. That would give away his disdain and he wasn‟t about to let Colman know the effect this surprise reunion was having on him. “We don‟t need luck.” Colman chuckled. “Sure, son.” “Excuse me,” Adam said. He had no doubt that Colman intended that “son” as a dig. He kept himself polite, if coldly so. He turned away, letting Colman‟s hand fall off his shoulder. If seeing Colman wasn‟t enough to put him into a mood, Doyle cornered him as soon as he got into the locker room. “So, what kind of performance can we expect from you today, Adam?” Adam stared at him and let the question sink in to see if Doyle would take it back. It was difficult to get angry with Doyle since he clearly had no idea of his own social awkwardness. Getting upset was damn easy, though. “Well, I thought I‟d start off by assisting the Galaxy as much as I possibly could by passing the ball to them, positioning myself offside when I have possession, and taking dives when the ref is looking, and then I‟ll make an own-goal for my big finish,” Adam said. Whistling, Adam walked past him to change. He heard Doyle whispering to Fitzgerald, and Fitzgerald saying, “He was just messing with you.” “Oh,” Doyle said. “Fuck the Galaxy,” Adam shouted, because Doyle had no capacity for interpreting subtlety and Adam wanted to be clear. “Adam,” Colin said, using the same gently bemused tone

Offside | Ryan Loveless 163 that he‟d used to calm Logan on Adam‟s first day. Adam sat down and put his head in his hands.

JORDAN was in the Galaxy‟s starting lineup now. There were probably worse things than having your ex-not-quiteboyfriend squaring off on the field against your current-verymuch-boyfriend, but Adam soon realized there were few things more awkward. “Jordan told me about the Batman underwear,” Colin said during an injury break in the first half. “I was six,” Adam said. “Did he mention I was six?” “He told me you were sixteen and it was your favorite pair.” “I‟m going to kill him.” He considered threatening Jordan with the naked pictures of Jordan‟s ass he still had on his phone, but Colin probably wouldn‟t like that, plus Jordan wasn‟t out, so Adam let the idea die. He reminded himself to delete them later. “Oh come on, Adam,” Sandy Pattman, a Galaxy defender who used to be one of Adam‟s closest friends on the team, said. “Everybody knows about the lucky Batman underwear.” The referee restarted the game and Adam could run away without it looking like he was running away. The ball came to him off of Turner, but he didn‟t make it far before Pattman laid him on the ground with a well-timed nudge and whipped the ball back to the Galaxy‟s end. “So this is what it‟s like opposing you,” Adam said as Pattman helped him up. “No wonder Colman likes you so much.” “Sorry, man,” Pattman said. “Don‟t take it personally.”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 164 “As if I would.” To show that there were no hard feelings, Adam scored the next time the ball came to him and then, just because he could, scored again. Pattman didn‟t seem to think it was very nice, though, because Adam ended up on the ground three more times, and Pattman got a yellow card. By halftime, despite Adam‟s scoring, most of the game had been played in front of the Gateway‟s goal, so Doyle, Fitzgerald, and Michaels all collapsed on the locker room benches. Michaels took his shirt off and poured a bottle of water over himself. “Michaels, Jesus!” Logan yelped and dodged out of the way as it created a waterfall off Michaels‟s body and onto the floor. “Fifteen shots on goal and I blocked all of them,” Michaels said, “so shut up.” Colin tapped Adam. “So, I‟m learning a lot about you,” he said. Adam groaned. “I knew there was a reason I wasn‟t looking forward to today.” Colin grinned. “Adam?” Adam turned to see Doyle standing next to him. “Yeah?” Doyle looked down, seemed to gather himself. Adam braced for a pronouncement. “I‟m sorry.” The words took time to sink in. Once they did, Adam still didn‟t understand. Doyle seemed earnest, though. “For?” “For accusing you of not playing your best against your former team. I really do apologize. You‟ve been amazing. This might be the best you‟ve played since you got here.” Adam accepted Doyle‟s stiffly extended hand. “Thank

Offside | Ryan Loveless 165 you, Joe,” he said. Darling walked in as Doyle headed back to his locker. “Right, pep talk,” Darling said. “We are well-seated in the run to the playoffs. The Galaxy are not. If the Galaxy lose this game, they don‟t make the playoffs. We all know how difficult it is not to make the playoffs under MLS‟s system, which I— despite my years of experience—am still no closer to grasping than someone who learned about it yesterday. If they win this game, they take the last slot in the playoffs, and our standing isn‟t affected at all. So really, our winning would only be obnoxious. Am I obnoxious?” “Yes, sir!” Logan yelled. Darling turned his attention to him. Logan‟s mischievous smile faded under Darling‟s flat gaze. Everyone was silent, waiting Darling‟s wrath to fall. Adam cringed with sympathy for Logan. “Exactly,” Darling said. He left, slamming the door behind him. All around, players sighed to expel the collected tension. “Best one yet,” Logan said, shaking his head in wonder. “Well,” Sol said, “I‟m inspired.” Adam reached for his iPod. Colin put his hand over the back of Adam‟s. “Are you really okay playing against your old friends?” Adam turned his palm up so he could hold Colin‟s hand. “It‟s business, Colin.” This time, it felt good to use that word. Colin frowned. “I know, but—” “Right. It‟s a little personal, but it‟s not them. I‟m not playing against them. I‟m playing against Colman.” “And winning,” Colin said. Adam smiled. Still holding

Offside | Ryan Loveless 166 Colin‟s hand, he found his headphone splitter in his bag, and soon he and Colin were slumped against the locker together. When Logan and Sol started doing the same thing and then pretended to make out, Adam lazily flipped them off. He let his eyes drift shut as Colin snuggled closer. The Galaxy player who hadn‟t reciprocated Adam‟s backseat hand job years before scored in the opening seconds of the second half. Michaels was so pissed off at Doyle for missing a defensive opportunity that Adam heard him yelling down at his end. Three minutes after that, the German whose acquisition had caused Adam‟s Galaxy departure converted a free kick to make the score even at 22. Twenty minutes of standoff followed. Adam hated play like this, so slow the fans stopped cheering. Then, Turner got under the ball and flipped it up with the intent of getting it out of the center. It dropped down in front of Colin. Colin ran for goal. He was onside with Jordan just slightly in front of him. Colin dodged him, lined up the shot and…. Adam ran after Pattman as Pattman sprinted after the ball. Adam knew Pattman‟s strategy and headed toward Jordan because if Pattman took the ball off Colin, he‟d tap it to Jordan, and Jordan would send it up the field. If Adam got there in time, he could intercept it. He was a quartersecond away. An eighth. The crowd was up and screaming. Pattman flew. He looked like a ninja, one leg extended, the other bent, as he sailed parallel to the ground. When his foot connected with Colin‟s knee, the crack sounded over the crowd. Adam ran so fast he thought he wouldn‟t be able to stop, but right before he tripped over

Offside | Ryan Loveless 167 Colin, he gained his feet and braked. The ball rolled harmlessly off to the side. Jordan knocked it out of bounds, the courteous thing to do when a player was injured. Adam looked at the crowd behind the goal, expecting to see another banner. The situation was identical to what had happened before. There wasn‟t any banner, though. And Colin wasn‟t moving. His left leg bent at an angle it shouldn‟t have been able to achieve. Pattman bent over Colin. Adam knelt beside him. “Come on, walk it off,” Pattman said. “You‟re not hurt.” He gently shook Colin‟s shoulder. Colin rolled his head back and forth on the grass. When Colin opened his mouth and nothing came out but a gasp, Pattman went pale and dropped to his knees. Tears rolled down Colin‟s pain-frozen face. Adam touched Colin‟s hand, sick with terror. He glanced down Colin‟s leg and saw a sliver of bone. Squeezing his eyes shut against the sight, he raised his face back to Colin‟s face before he opened them again. Adam signaled to Darling to send the medics onto the field. They came running with a stretcher. They ushered Adam and Pattman away and loaded Colin onto the stretcher. As they carried him off, the referee gave Pattman a red card. He glanced at Adam, opened his mouth to speak, but walked off in silence instead. Adam wanted to tell Pattman he understood, but he couldn‟t speak either. Adam took the penalty kick. He missed. Darling sent Hanover on to replace Colin. Adam waved to be taken off, but Darling shook his head and pointed at his watch. Adam thought he was going to be sick every second he was on the field. He forced himself to concentrate, though, and not keep looking at the sideline. Corbinson wasn‟t there anymore, either. With Jordan pulling double duty on defense, Adam

Offside | Ryan Loveless 168 should have been able to score easily. He chose to drop the ball back to Logan. He could concentrate on the game, but having the perfect focus it took to get a goal was something else. Logan scored. In the midst of the muted celebration, Adam looked over at Colman and saw him throwing his clipboard down. Darling pulled Adam off in the ninetieth minute as the referee announced three minutes of added time. Three minutes. The measurement between Colin on his feet and Colin unable to stand. The measurement between Adam‟s pride for him and Adam‟s fear. Three minutes. He sprinted off the field, briefly high-fiving the player coming on for him, something his hand did automatically and which did not connect to his brain. He started for the tunnel, but Darling blocked him. “They took him to the hospital. Coach Corbinson will have an update after the game.” “I should go,” Adam said. Darling laid both hands on Adam‟s shoulders. For a moment, Adam thought he was going to hug him. Perhaps realizing that, Darling released him. “You‟ll get more information here than you would there. Go sit down.” He tilted his head toward the bench on the sideline. Adam squeezed in between two other players and waited. Forever passed again before the game ended. Adam raced down to the locker room with the rest of the team on his heels. Corbinson was inside, waiting. They surrounded him, tense. “He‟s in surgery,” Corbinson said. “He won‟t be out until this evening. There will be no opportunity to visit him tonight. I‟m going to suggest that you all go home, get some rest and come back here in the morning.”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 169 “We‟re having practice?” Fitzgerald asked. He looked stricken. “We‟ll see,” Corbinson said. “In any case, be here at nine o‟clock tomorrow and hopefully we‟ll have good news for you.” He glanced around the room again. One by one, every player turned his face away. “Has anyone called his parents?” Logan asked. Adam berated himself for not thinking of that. And Colin would need things after surgery, too. Hot pads and massages and crackers. He started a list in his head of things to do. “They‟re catching a plane tomorrow morning,” Corbinson said. “Hey.” Adam felt a hand on his shoulder. “You want me to stay with you tonight?” Logan asked. Adam was about to say no, but he did want someone else in the house. Not for any reason, really, except that nonspecific “just in case.” “Yeah.” “We should get home and straighten up for his parents.” Mrs. Marshall kept the house spotless, but it was clear that Logan needed something to do, so he nodded and got up. It wouldn‟t hurt anything if the furniture got dusted twice. “He‟s going to be fine, you know,” Logan said as they walked toward his car. “He‟ll be out six weeks, tops. Back in time for next season, and better rested than any of us, the lucky fuck.” “Yeah,” Adam said, and tried to smile.

SLEEPING in Colin‟s room was Logan‟s idea. “I‟ve never slept with a guy platonically,” Adam told him.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 170 “Me neither,” Logan said. Adam didn‟t want to be alone, though, and he didn‟t want Logan sleeping in his bed, where Colin had slept and where the pillow smelled like him. Adam hadn‟t spent any time in Colin‟s room before. Adam spent perhaps too much time staring in disbelief at the plaid-filled closet. “If you get rid of any of it, he‟ll know,” Logan said. In the morning, Adam had a text from Colin‟s mother saying that she and Colin‟s father were going directly to the hospital from the airport and not to worry about picking them up. He and Logan dragged themselves to practice. After the other players staggered in, each looking run over, Darling and Corbinson gave a status update. Colin was out of surgery and “resting.” He had suffered significant damage to his knee. The surgery had taken four hours. Visits were limited to family only for now. “We‟ll go anyway,” Logan said, squeezing the back of Adam‟s neck lightly. Adam nodded. He wanted to ask why Logan was being so kind to him, but obviously it was because of Colin. “Dumas, Lovell needs you upstairs. You and Logan are excused for the day,” Darling said. “Yes, Coach. Thank you.” Adam started to leave. “Dumas? Only for today.” “Yes, Coach.” Logan stayed outside Lovell‟s office while Adam went in. “I try not to remind him that I exist,” he said. “Keeps me on the team longer.” Adam squeezed his arm and almost smiled. As Adam opened Lovell‟s door, Logan started flirting with the lesbian secretary. “Coach said you wanted to see me?”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 171 Lovell looked up from his desk. “It seems the Galaxy‟s new acquisition isn‟t working out. Colman wants you back. What do you want?” “Is it up to me?” “I‟m asking you, aren‟t I?” Adam didn‟t try to fight off the smugness that rose in him. He‟d told Colman he was making a mistake in sending him away, and now he was proved right. It had to be a blow to Colman‟s pride to ask for Adam back. Adam knew Colman would label it as “business,” try to act like he hadn‟t dicked Adam off the way he had. Colman would never apologize. Never acknowledge that Adam had been more than business to him. Adam was tempted to make him grovel. He could request a contract with demands that would make a drugged out rock star seem sane, and watch Colman squirm. He pushed the idea out of his mind. He was done with Colman. Done with his whims and backstabbing. St. Louis was his team now. Whoever thought he‟d come to the Midwest and find maturity? Not just in the players, but in himself. The smugness slipped away. “He can fuck off,” Adam said. Lovell gave a short nod, as if he‟d expected nothing else. “Good. You can go.” “Thank you, sir.” Lovell waved him off. As Adam opened the door, Lovell yelled for Logan. “Sir?” Logan asked. “You‟ll take Evets‟s position until he comes back.” He said it briskly, with no indication that he had battled against Darling to bury Logan in the midfield. “Yes, sir.”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 172 Logan waited until he and Adam were down the hall before he punched the air and let out a tiny whoop. He grimaced. “I know, totally uncouth.” “It‟s okay; I get it,” Adam said. He wondered if Logan would understand how St. Louis kept surprising him or that Logan was part of that. A guy he never thought he‟d get along with was offering his time and company without a second thought, just because he sensed Adam needed it and because Adam was involved with his friend. “You know, you‟re all right.” “Well, yeah,” Logan said, in a tone that would have made Adam want to punch him a few weeks ago but now was endearing.

ADAM tried texting Colin‟s mother, Christie, to get Colin‟s room number on the way to the hospital, but there was no response. “I don‟t think cell phones are allowed in hospitals,” Logan said. “I thought that was just for talking?” “I don‟t know.” Logan shrugged, or got as close to a shrug as he could with both hands on the wheel. “We‟ll have to ask.” “I think sneaking in would have been our best bet since we‟re not family,” Adam said. “Let me do the talking. I‟m charming.” “Sure,” Adam said. Secretly, he resolved not to let that happen. For someone “charming,” Logan had a dearth of girlfriends. Adam had heard about each of them the previous night. Inside the hospital, he reached the nurse‟s station first. “Excuse me.” He leaned over it and offered his most

Offside | Ryan Loveless 173 winning smile. “I‟m looking for Colin Evets‟s room.” The nurse glanced up at him. “Are you family?” “Uh….” “We‟re his teammates,” Logan said. “Family away from family.” “I‟m sorry. Only actual family is permitted.” “Please. We just want to see him,” Adam said. “You can wait,” she said, pointing, “over there.” “Now, look, we‟re his best friends and—” Logan said. “Over there.” She pointed more emphatically at the waiting area near her station. Adam squeezed Logan‟s shoulder because it looked like he was getting ready to launch himself at her. “His parents are here. Can you at least call the room and tell them Adam and Matt are here?” “Yes,” she said, but Adam wasn‟t sure if she meant it or was just trying to get rid of them. He tugged Logan away anyway. The couches were close enough that he‟d be able to see what she was doing. “Why aren‟t you putting up a fight?” Logan whispered. “This is a gay rights issue. You‟re his boyfriend.” “This isn‟t a battle yet. She‟s going to call. Quit causing trouble or she‟ll stop liking you.” “Mr. Dumas?” They spun around. “Yes?” Adam said. “You‟re on the list.” She pointed at a paper that was, evidently, a list. “You can see him. Fifth floor, room 508.” “Can I?” Logan asked. “No,” she said. “You wait.”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 174 Adam turned and shrugged. He was in the elevator before he thought to wonder how she knew his name and remembered that it was on the back of his jersey, which he was still wearing. When he found room 508, he stood outside listening to the voices within. Christie and Bill‟s hushed tones tempered their Montana accents somewhat, but Adam heard glimpses of the nasal drawl, as if the South had married the North and settled in the West. Adam wondered if Colin had talked like that before the Midwest both flattened and rounded his accent out. When he heard Colin, Adam didn‟t recognize him at first. His voice was lower, speech slurred. It had to be caused by the drugs he was on, nothing more serious than that. Still, it was hard to hear and Adam stood another moment with his hand on the wall before he went in. Colin‟s parents sat beside Colin‟s bed. They both looked up when Adam came in. “Adam?” Christie asked. He nodded, but his focus was on Colin. He‟d braced himself for tubes and bandages and an IV, but Colin only had a monitor hooked to him by a wire that disappeared beneath the blanket. Seeing him looking so normal after what had happened was a different kind of shock. He was covered up to his chest with a blanket so Adam couldn‟t see his legs. “Hey,” Adam said. “Hey.” “We‟ll leave you boys alone,” Bill said. Adam felt a warm hand on his shoulder and then they were gone. He moved into the seat Bill had vacated. “How are you feeling?” He wanted to grab Colin and keep him tight in his arms and absorb everything bad from him and take it away.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 175 Colin took a few seconds to respond. “I don‟t know if I‟ll play again.” “Did anyone say you wouldn‟t?” Fuck. The injury had looked bad on the field, but fuck. Colin shook his head. “It‟s me. I‟m scared. Adam… I‟m afraid.” Adam squeezed his hand. He could do reassurance. It was one of the few non-soccer things he was good at. He‟d gotten plenty of practice with his mother after his parents divorced. “Now what have you got to be afraid of? You‟ll get better, probably not in time to finish this season, but next season you‟ll be good to go.” “I had nightmares. About the goal. I was standing in front of it and it hurt.” Colin sucked his lips into his teeth as if he wanted to punish them for saying what they did. But he pushed them out with his tongue and let the words follow. “I think I‟m scared of the goal. I mean, of what could happen. What am I going to do if I can‟t play anymore?” Adam wanted to stroke Colin‟s hair, but he was afraid Colin would mistake it for condescension. He talked instead. “This happens to strikers sometimes, Colin. There are people you can talk to. It‟s not a death sentence. We had someone on the Galaxy that happened to. He got so anxious about making goals that he stopped getting any. He‟s fine now.” “Promise?” Colin asked. “I do.” Colin smiled. Adam didn‟t mention that the striker was also currently on Real Salt Lake‟s team because Colman lacked the patience to see him through his problem. “Colman wants me back. He told Lovell,” Adam said. It seemed like the right time to shift the conversation.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 176 “What did you say?” “I told him to fuck off.” Colin grinned. “You‟re appreciating the irony, aren‟t you?” Adam asked. He poked Colin lightly in the arm. “That you came here planning your escape and now you‟re cussing out people trying to give it to you? If I wasn‟t drugged up to my neck, you would see some first class gloating.” Colin waved his hand around until Adam figured out he was reaching for him and put his hand into Colin‟s. Colin pulled it to his cheek. Adam laughed. When Colin felt better, Adam would tease him forever about this. “So, when do you get out of here?” “Another week, maybe? And then three weeks at a residential physical therapy center before I can come home.” “Oh man,” Adam said. “So, does that mean no sex for a month?” It came out more desperate than he wanted since his intention had been to tease. Colin smiled, though. “I‟m not sure. I‟d say it means no sex for now. But you better come visit anyway.” He shook his finger mock-threateningly. “I will. Every day. I promise.” Colin squeezed his hand. “Good.”

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Chapter Fourteen ADAM put the Evetses into Colin‟s room. Logan moved into his. “You don‟t have to stay,” Adam said. “I‟m fine.” “You haven‟t tasted Bill‟s pancakes. My presence here is no longer about your comfort.” Adam didn‟t ask when Logan had had time to bring a suitcase of his things or why he was unpacking it into Adam‟s dresser. He figured it would be an exercise in futility, so he picked up the socks Logan had ejected and re-housed them in a different drawer. “Still not having sex with you, though,” Logan said. “Damn,” Adam said dryly. It was still dark when the pounding woke him up. He stared out into the blackness, trying to figure out the noise and let his eyes adjust. “Adam?” Bill shouted. “Yeah?” Adam shot out of bed, tripping over blankets to get to the door. Bill opened it before Adam reached it and turned the light on. Standing at the foot of the bed with the sheet wrapped around his ankle, Adam squinted at him. He wondered why Bill was dressed in the dead of night. Bill looked from him to Logan, who was sitting up and rubbing sleep out of his eyes. Adam knew that he should explain why another man was in his bed, but he didn‟t know how he could. He wasn‟t even sure why Logan was there except that it had seemed like a good idea. Like something he‟d needed.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 178 Bill spoke before Adam had a chance. “There‟s been a complication. They found a blood clot in Colin‟s leg. He‟s in surgery. We‟re going to the hospital.” “Oh. Okay. Um, Matt and I can, um….” He couldn‟t think of a thing that he and Logan could do while the Evetses were at the hospital that would make things better for any of them. “Aren‟t you coming with us?” Bill asked. He hadn‟t understood that Bill had meant that, but now that he did, Adam said yes, of course, and grabbed his clothes. “Downstairs in five minutes,” Bill said. “Are you coming?” Adam asked Logan. “They won‟t let me see Colin anyway. So, I‟m going back to sleep and then I have to go practice. I‟ll see you there?” “I don‟t know if I‟m going—” “Adam. He‟ll be fine. I‟ll see you at practice, like Darling said.” “Okay.” He could worry about getting out of it later. For now, he had to get out the door. In six minutes, he was in the passenger seat of Colin‟s car with Bill at the wheel and Christie in the back. He‟d tried to give the front to her, but she‟d refused on account of his needing the legroom. There was next to no traffic on the road, just garbage trucks and the occasional car. Bill drove with the radio off. He kept his eyes on the road, which was so different from the way Colin drove that Adam wondered if Bill was doing it so he wouldn‟t have to look at Adam. God only knew what he was thinking. “Um, sir?” Adam asked. He felt like a naughty child.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 179 “Bill, Adam,” Bill said. “Right. I thought I should tell you that Matt was sleeping in my room because I didn‟t want to be alone. We‟re not doing anything.” “I know,” Bill said. “You do?” Adam didn‟t often stare at people obviously, but his mouth was definitely open as he looked at Bill. “Adam, do you know who George Burns and Gracie Allen were? Legendary entertainers. Legendary lovers. Forty years together before she died of a heart attack. When that happened, his friend Bobby Darin invited himself over and slept with him so he wouldn‟t be alone. Matt‟s been a good friend to Colin and we can see he‟s a good friend to you, too. And since you need him for this right now, that only proves to us how much you love Colin.” “I do,” Adam said. “I really do.” “Then we want you and Colin to be happy.” Adam sat back in his seat, trying to let it sink in. It was the easiest acceptance he‟d ever had from a boyfriend‟s parents and it stunned him all the more because, given Colin‟s background, he never would have anticipated it. Colin‟s doctor met them at the hospital. Colin was out of surgery and in a recovery room. The clot had been in his leg, and it was fortune that led them to catch it in time. The surgery had saved Colin‟s life but now the doctor couldn‟t say for certain when Colin would be able to play soccer again. “We need to keep a close eye on him,” he said. “There‟s a possibility we‟re looking at a much longer recovery time. There‟s also a chance he won‟t recover complete mobility of his knee.”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 180 “Would he still be able to play?” Bill asked. Adam already knew the answer. He looked away. “Not at his current level,” the doctor replied, which, in a league that was doing away with its reserves for financial reasons, was the same as “no.” “Can we wait for him in his room?” Adam asked. “I‟ll have the nurse make sure you‟re comfortable.” The nurse brought a third chair into Colin‟s room for Adam. He and Bill and Christie sat around the empty bed and didn‟t talk because the lights were dimmed and it seemed wrong to speak above a whisper, but every noise made them jump until Adam was too tired to fight off being tired and fell asleep with his head on the bed. At nine a.m., his phone woke him up. He fumbled for it, trying to get it before a nurse told him to turn it off. It was Darling. Colin was in the bed now, sleeping. He had color in his cheeks. “Will you be gracing us with your presence today?” Darling asked. “Colin had a complication.” “I heard. How is he?” “The surgery went well. He‟s sleeping.” “Good. Wish him well for us. And I‟ll see you in thirty minutes.” “I‟m not coming,” Adam said. “We have a game in five days with a rearranged team. Get your ass over here.” Darling hung up. Adam looked at Christie and Bill. “I have to go to practice.” It felt like an apology.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 181 “We‟ll see you this afternoon,” Christie said. She touched his cheek. Her hand was warm. Adam kissed Colin on the forehead. He tasted of sweat and hospital. “See you,” Adam said. He hoped Colin knew what he really meant.

ADAM raced back to the hospital as soon as Darling ended practice. Colin was awake and sitting up. He smiled when he saw Adam, but Adam could tell it was forced. Christie and Bill quietly left. Adam turned down Bill‟s offer to bring him coffee with a polite “no thanks.” “They like you,” Colin said. Adam made a show of preening, which made Colin laugh. His humor didn‟t last. “I might not be able to play soccer again,” he said. “Hey,” Adam said. “Yesterday you were talking about not playing because the goal was psyching you out. You‟re not going to let a lousy knee stop you, are you?” “Adam….” “Colin, all I‟m saying is, don‟t write yourself off yet, okay?” Colin turned away. “Colin.” “What am I going to do?” Adam sat down in one of the chairs and held his hand. “Whatever happens, I‟ll be with you.” “It‟s not your problem. Don‟t try to underst—” Colin

Offside | Ryan Loveless 182 tried to pull his hand back, but Adam held on. “Hey. I offered to leave when you were getting hated on because I felt responsible for that. You told me you needed me. So listen, mister, that offer is off the table. You‟re stuck with me. I fucking love you and I don‟t give a shit about yours versus mine anymore. It‟s our problem.” “I‟ll have to think about it some, but that might be the nicest thing anyone‟s said to me.” “Well, of course it is. I‟m a fucking romantic,” Adam said. That finally got a smile. “It‟s going to be fine, Colin. Maybe you won‟t play anymore, but you‟re young and smart and pretty.” Colin made a disgruntled face that made Adam want to pinch his nose. “And you‟ve got a rich boyfriend. So just concentrate on getting well and don‟t worry about what happens next.” “Put it that way,” Colin said. Adam stood up and leaned over him. “Can I kiss you?” Reaching up for him, Colin gave his permission with parted lips. Adam kissed him lightly. Colin held onto him, though, so he slid a hand behind Colin‟s head for support and prodded inside with his tongue until Colin let him in. Colin grabbed the back of Adam‟s shirt and tugged him down. Adam went willingly, happily, although he made sure he didn‟t touch any part of Colin except for his head for fear of jostling one of the monitor‟s wires. Colin‟s mouth tasted bitter with remnants of morning breath and cottonmouth. “We‟re back,” Christie said loudly. Adam jumped back so quickly he fell into the chair. “Uh,” he said. “We were just, uh….”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 183 Bill offered him a paper cup. “Got you some coffee anyway.” He looked like he was about to start laughing. Christie already was. Adam looked at Colin, who had his hand over his mouth to hide his smile. “Fucker,” Adam mouthed. Colin took his hand away and laughed.

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Chapter Fifteen TWO weeks after Colin went into the hospital, he was transferred to the residential center. The rooms were bigger and painted soft yellow. Adam was ready to fight Lovell to make sure Colin got a private one, just like he had fought Colman for a first class plane ticket to St. Louis, but Lovell had already done it. The team came in to the hospital in their uniforms and redistributed Colin‟s flowers to the other patients. They stayed a little longer in the children‟s ward and played soccer with a makeshift ball made out of paper with some of the kids. It was the most fun Adam had had since, well, he hated to say it since the comparison was perhaps distasteful, but since the last time he and Colin had had sex. At Colin‟s request, Adam saved the gift Sandy Pattman had sent, a potted fern. It had come with a blank card because Pattman was smart enough not to put into writing how sorry he was, for legal reasons. He had called, though, and apologized to Colin that way. A few of the gay news sites poked around trying to make it into homophobia, but they found too many people denying that about Pattman, and not a single person to confirm it, so they went with a quote from Jordan about how Pattman always put the game first and who he tackled didn‟t matter to him, just whether or not they had the ball, which wasn‟t exactly complimentary, but it worked. The Pattman Fern got a place, if not of honor then of

Offside | Ryan Loveless 185 obviousness, hanging in Colin‟s window in the new room. The weeks took on a schedule. Soccer practice for Adam nine to noon. Colin had physical therapy during that time. His afternoons were structured into activity, nap time, and eating. Visiting was from three to six. Adam went every day from three to five and Christie and Bill went from five to six. They were still staying at the house, as was Logan. The rest of the team dropped in too, always conveniently showing up around dinnertime, so Mrs. Marshall started keeping extra bottles of soda and buying bulk pasta wholesale. Bill flew home a few times to take care of things at his job, but Christie handled her business by phone and e-mail. She took over answering the letters that arrived for Colin, thanking each person for taking the time to think of her son and saving the ones that called him an inspiration to show him on their visits. Adam supposed if he thought about it too hard he‟d realize he was living with his de facto in-laws, which was not a situation he ever thought he‟d be in. It was all right, though. He liked Christie and Bill, and it turned out Christie had a wicked sense of humor, which manifested itself when she set a bucket of water balloons in front of Adam, Logan, and Michaels and opened the front door, where Stuart and his sign stood vigil. They played games against San Jose (away, win, 1-0 Logan in the eighth minute, no bookings), New England Revolution (home, draw, 2-2, both Adam in the seventeenth and ninety-first minutes, one yellow card to Turner, one to Adam) and Toronto FC (away, draw, 1-1, Logan in the fortysixth minute, two yellow cards, both Hanover, the equivalent of a red).

Offside | Ryan Loveless 186 Playing opposite Logan was all right, but he and Adam lacked the chemistry that Adam had with Colin… and probably also the chemistry Logan had had with Colin. They lost chances due to misinterpreted communication. Logan wouldn‟t be there when Adam crossed the ball to him or Adam would go left when Logan kicked right. It was worse on the away games because those meant two days without seeing Colin. Adam texted him every chance he got, though. Colin told him that the rehabilitation center showed the games on the television in the rec room. He watched with his two new best friends, a ninety-five year old woman recovering from a broken hip and a seventy-six year old man with Alzheimer‟s and a new knee. Colin started walking with crutches. The first time Adam went to see him after he learned to use them, he showed off how he could move around. “No more wheelchair,” he said, trumpeting his glee. “I‟ll be running in no time.” “Bet you can‟t make it all the way back to your room,” Adam said. Colin took up the dare with his usual vigor, but had to stop and catch his breath with a corridor to go. Adam leaned in close, hugging him to take some of the weight away while being careful of the knee. “If you make it your room, I‟ll blow you,” Adam said. Colin looked up, already chewing his lip. “Yeah?” He made it sound like a breath. “And if you don‟t, I‟ll blow you wherever you stop.” Adam bent down and kissed his neck just above his collarbone. “Out of the way,” Colin said. “I want to be lying down for this.” He made it back to his room. Adam laid him down on the warm yellow woolen bedspread that matched the walls.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 187 “The door isn‟t locked,” Colin said, even as he lifted his arms out of the way so Adam could push his shirt up and kiss his stomach. “If they haven‟t learned to knock by now, it‟s their own fault.” In Colin‟s early days at the center, a nurse‟s aide had walked in on Adam “examining” Colin‟s naked chest with his mouth. Adam peeled Colin‟s jogging pants and shorts down. He didn‟t waste any time getting down to business when he saw how ready Colin was. Adam placed one hand on Colin‟s stomach to stop him from moving too much and the other over his mouth, not pushing but as a reminder to keep quiet. Adam sucked and licked until Colin came. Adam swallowed him down, wanting every bit of him. He pulled Colin‟s clothes back up and slid up the bed to lie down, depositing himself on the side of the good knee. Colin snuggled against him. He undid Adam‟s pants with one hand. Adam let him. He rolled on his side when Colin pulled him out so Colin could get a better angle. Colin spat on his hand. Adam dug into his pocket and handed him a packet of lube. “Boy Scout?” Colin asked. “I just enjoy their motto.” Colin slicked up his hand and returned it to Adam‟s cock. “The recovery isn‟t going as well as it should.” “It hasn‟t been that long.” “I‟ve been injured before. I know what my usual recovery rate is. This is slow, Adam. I don‟t have high hopes.” Adam couldn‟t speak for a second, not words, because as much as he hated to hear Colin upset, the hand job benefited from the extra emotion behind Colin‟s movements. “I told you,” he said when he could, “if you can‟t play anymore, we‟ll figure something out.”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 188 “Okay.” Adam lay back with Colin propped warmly under his arm and closed his eyes as Colin stroked him. Raising his arm, Adam made Colin tilt so he could kiss him. “Lovell‟s been having Sorensen come see me once a week.” Sorensen was the Gateway‟s official doctor, a specialist in sports medicine. He signed off on every player‟s physical status. “And?” “Maybe I ought to start looking at course catalogs from Wash U or Webster. I‟m only three credits away from my business degree.” Adam came. Colin stared down at his newly sticky hand. Adam picked up an end of the blanket and wiped it clean. “That has absolutely no bearing on what you were just saying. I‟m just ridiculously horny.” Colin grinned. “Apology accepted. Weirdo.” “Ha. I didn‟t know you almost graduated. I didn‟t even go to college.” “Well, I only went to play soccer. That‟s the best way to get picked for MLS around here.” “Did you like business?” “No.” “Oh. Something different, then. But don‟t worry about it yet, okay? For now, everyone on the team is pulling for you. Concentrate on—” “Getting better, yeah,” Colin said. “Yeah.” Adam glanced at the clock. “Your parents will be here any second. I guess I should put my dick away.”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 189 “What? You don‟t want them to see what a man I‟ve caught?” Colin walked his fingers up Adam‟s shirt and tugged on the chest hairs sticking out from his open collar. “No,” Adam said. He knocked Colin‟s hand away and stood up to put himself back together. “Colin… I was thinking, if you can‟t play anymore, I mean, your parents are very nice, but do you think they would….” His cheeks heated up. “What?” “Would they take you away? Back to Montana?” “To do what?” Colin asked. “Sit on a porch swing? Or some other stereotype you‟ve thought up?” “Would they?” Adam didn‟t feel like getting into a discussion about stereotypes. He was being serious and voicing something that he‟d worried about. “I‟m an adult, Adam.” “So, that‟s a no?” “I do what I want. Anyway, they already asked me if I wanted to go home and I told them no.” “Why didn‟t you tell me?” “Mom has asked me if I wanted to come home every week since I joined the team. I don‟t think they expected me to agree. It‟s just habit to ask. Your mom does that, right?” “No,” Adam said and left it at that, but Colin looked sad anyway. “Well, I should go. We‟ve got a game in D.C. tomorrow, so I‟ll be back in two days. Try not to miss me too much.” “I‟ll watch you on television,” Colin said. Adam grabbed another kiss, checked his zipper one more time, and left. As he walked into the parking lot, he saw Lovell, Darling, and Corbinson coming toward the building.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 190 “What are you doing here?” he asked. “Visiting,” Lovell said. “All of you? At the same time?” Corbinson and Darling had come before, but this was a first for Lovell. Lovell‟s patient smile was back in place after the ruckus Colin‟s coming out had caused. Corbinson looked like his usual earnest self, and Darling seemed to be daring the world to act up so he could loathe it more. “Look, if you‟re here to tell him he can‟t play anymore, that‟s shit and you know it is. It‟s only been four weeks. He can get better. You have to give him a chance.” Darling‟s incredulous “We‟re visiting” stopped Adam from humiliating himself further by bursting into tears because the anger wasn‟t enough to encompass his emotions. “All of you?” Adam asked again. A president, a coach, and an assistant coach didn‟t just visit for visit‟s sake. Something was happening. Possibly something bad. “I‟d like to come in with you.” “Adam,” Lovell said calmly, “unless you would like to become a permanent substitute, I‟m going to suggest that you proceed to your car.” Adam glanced at it, already deflating. “If you‟re going to fire him, tell him to call me.” Lovell squeezed his shoulder as if to say good boy, and they walked around Adam into the building.

“I SHOULD have stayed,” Adam said. He had texted Colin six times and only gotten a “going to bed now, good game tomorrow” in response. Nothing about what Darling, Lovell,

Offside | Ryan Loveless 191 and Corbinson had said. Nothing about how Adam was the biggest asshole in the world for letting Lovell‟s threat get to him enough that he would leave Colin alone. “I wouldn‟t have wanted you to,” Logan said. He grabbed a handful of Cheetos out of the bowl in Adam‟s lap. “I mean, getting fired‟s embarrassing, you know? I don‟t want anybody there for that.” “But I‟m his boyfriend. I‟m supposed to be there for support.” “Yeah, support after the fact. It‟d be way worse if you were there during it. Trust me, I know. I had the displeasure of watching a girlfriend get fired once. Not going through that again.” “Okay,” Adam said, even though it wasn‟t at all, but Adam had learned there was a limit to how much good advice Logan could manage at a time, so he hadn‟t been expecting much. “Anyway,” Logan said, “you don‟t even know that he‟s been let go. Maybe they really were there just to wish him well.” “I don‟t think so,” Adam said. Logan nodded sympathetically. “Do you want to go kick soccer balls at Stuart?” “Sure.”

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Chapter Sixteen THE text message from Corbinson arrived at one a.m. Announcement re: Team restructuring tmrw 7am. “I told you,” Adam said. “I admit it doesn‟t look good,” Logan said. “So, not that I‟m worried for myself or anything, but how did you find out that you were getting transferred?” “Team meeting.” “Oh.”

AT

SIX forty-five, Adam and Logan sat in the stadium‟s

conference room. Adam wasn‟t surprised to see that the entire team was there early. A few people asked how Colin was doing. Adam told them that he had a feeling they were about to find out, which made a few eyebrows go up. Evidently the announcement was going to take some people by surprise. At 6:59 everyone was watching the door. If Lovell came in, there would be sugarcoating and they‟d have to wait to find out what he was really there to say. If it was Darling leading the meeting, he‟d be in and out before their heads stopped spinning. It was the difference between easing a Band-Aid off and ripping it. Adam hoped for Darling. At seven, Darling entered with Lovell and Corbinson behind him. Lovell sat down; Darling and Corbinson remained standing.

Offside | Ryan Loveless 193 Darling tapped the table, even though he had everyone‟s attention. “I don‟t want a single reaction until I‟m done talking. Not a peep out of any of you. As of today,” Darling said, “Alex Hanover is on the permanent lineup in the left midfield position. Logan will be continuing as center forward with Dumas. This is in effect now and will remain in effect for next season.” Adam almost leapt up, but Michaels and Logan each grabbed an arm and kept him down. “Coach, what about Colin?” Fitzgerald asked. “What did I say about not talking?” “Sorry.” Fitzgerald lowered his hand. “Effective from the end of this season, I will no longer be coaching here.” Despite Darling‟s warning, a wave of gasps swept around the room. He put his hand up to stop any comments before they started. “I‟ve accepted an offer to be the president and general manager for Boston FC, which will be joining MLS under the expansion scheme in 2012. Corbinson is your interim head coach. I realize this is like leaving older brother in charge when Mummy and Daddy go away, but I fully expect you to do well under him until someone more capable comes along.” Behind Darling, Corbinson looked toward the ceiling, perhaps for help. “Finally,” Darling said, “we‟ve hired a new assistant coach.” He gestured at Corbinson, who stuck his head out the door and motioned to someone. “I realize I‟ve been talking for longer than thirty seconds, but please try to find room in your attention spans, Logan, for a few seconds more so your new A.C. can introduce himself. It was a fucking hassle for him to come in today, so appreciate him.”

Offside | Ryan Loveless 194 Adam watched the door, although he didn‟t really care who came in. It was obvious that Colin had been dropped from the team. He wondered how good Colin‟s contract was. Did he have a clause that said MLS had to pay out his balance in case of injury? Did he have disability insurance? Adam should have asked about that before. His own contract was so ironclad that it surprised him when others‟ weren‟t. He snuck his phone out and texted Colin beneath the table. Jst hrd. Sry. He stared at it. He couldn‟t send that. He deleted it. “Adam.” Logan shook Adam‟s leg. He ignored him. Lvll sux? Would that work? “Adam.” No. He had it. I luv u. He hit send. A phone beeped at the front of the room. Adam looked up. Colin stood next to Corbinson and Darling, grinning at Adam. He leaned heavily on his crutches and seemed a little out of breath. Adam didn‟t understand why he was there. Colin was off the team. Couldn‟t play anymore, although Adam still thought it was too soon to call that. Maybe he‟d come to say goodbye? Colin was still grinning, though. He didn‟t look like a guy who‟d been fired. “I just wanted to say,” Colin said, “that Adam and I have spent these last weeks talking about what I might want to do if I couldn‟t play anymore, and we had a lot of ideas, but I think sometimes the perfect idea is one that is obvious to everyone except you. And in this case it wasn‟t obvious to Adam, either, but it was to Coach Darling. He championed me for this, so I really have to thank him for that.” He coughed to clear the emotion out of his throat. Darling squeezed his lips together, which, according to

Offside | Ryan Loveless 195 Logan‟s awed whisper, was the Darling equivalent of weeping. Adam sat up straighter, hardly daring to believe. “I was honored to be asked to take on the assistant coach position and still be a part of this team. I hope you‟ll all accept me as someone who gets to tell you what to do.” Colin paused and smiled. “And I can‟t wait until next season.” Adam looked around the table and saw tears on a few faces. He wasn‟t surprised to feel them on his own. Corbinson started the applause. He brought Colin a chair and helped him sit down. Darling sat, too. Lovell‟s secretary brought a cake in and squeezed in between Logan and Sol as the meeting turned into a farewell and hello party for Darling and Colin. Adam dragged his chair down next to Colin. “Do you know how worried I‟ve been?” Adam asked. “Why didn‟t you tell me last night?” “They wouldn‟t let me. I wanted to, but I couldn‟t risk it.” Colin touched his forehead to Adam‟s. “So, are you going to be all right with me telling you what to do?” Adam smiled. “As long as you don‟t get too bossy.” “Good. Because I was thinking I could practice in the off season.” “Thought you weren‟t into role-play.” “I‟m learning.” Colin pushed a piece of cake toward him. “Eat. I need to send a text.” “To anyone in particular?” Colin shrugged. “Maybe.” He hunched over his phone. A moment later, Adam‟s beeped. With icing on his lips, Adam kissed him. A groan of

Offside | Ryan Loveless 196 mock disgust rose from the table. Ignoring it, Adam kissed him again. “Don‟t you want to read your text?” Colin asked. Adam‟s blue icing colored his lips. Colin‟s tongue darted out to lick it off. “I can guess,” Adam said.

Author’s Note Offside was written while Major League Soccer was on the cusp of major changes motivated by conflicts between management and the MLS Players Union. Business procedures regarding a player‟s contract, such as the scene that opens the story, as well as certain other references to life as an MLS player portrayed herein, do not reflect the renegotiated collective bargaining agreement, but are based on the old system. So, in effect I am presenting you with a historical novella. It‟s a strange thing to start out writing a contemporary work and have it change on you due to the real world before the writing is finished. The new CBA is a major step forward for the players. My characters would approve. Although I read many books and magazines and watched a whole lot of soccer (a delightful “chore”) to research for Offside, I would be remiss if I didn‟t mention those books most helpful. Jonathan Wilson‟s Inverting the Pyramid: A History of Football Tactics (Pub. Orion, 2008) is a must-have for understanding the history of soccer on the field, the reasons behind the tactics, and recording the larger-than-life personalities that influenced strategy and the formation of the game from the early years. In The Beckham Experiment: How the World’s Most Famous Athlete Tried to Conquer America (Reprint ed. Pub. Three Rivers Press, 2010), Grant Wahl makes the complex and confusing MLS system understandable while examining what happened to it and its players when Celebrity came to town. Ward’s Soccerpedia: The Lore and Laws of the Beautiful Game (Andrew Ward. Pub. Robson Books, 2006.) is an A to Z

soccer encyclopedia that both explains and gives the history behind the rules and less official on-the-field traditions.

About the Author

RYAN LOVELESS is the half-pseudonym of a farmer‟s daughter. She has a BA in English from a private college in Illinois and is pursuing her master‟s degree in library and information science with an archival certificate from a university in New York. Raised in a conservative family, she was shocked and relieved when her coming out was largely uneventful, at least compared to some. She has been writing since she could read and has always drifted toward M/M because she enjoyed the relationship dynamics between men, even before she understood what sexuality was. It‟s possible that her first story was about GI Joe. She really wishes she still had that story. Visit Ryan at http://ryanloveless.dreamwidth.org/. You can contact her at [email protected].

Copyright

Offside ©Copyright Ryan Loveless, 2011 Published by Dreamspinner Press 4760 Preston Road Suite 244-149 Frisco, TX 75034 http://www.dreamspinnerpress.com/ This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the authors’ imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. Cover Art by Anne Cain [email protected] Cover Design by Mara McKennen This book is licensed to the original purchaser only. Duplication or distribution via any means is illegal and a violation of International Copyright Law, subject to criminal prosecution and upon conviction, fines, and/or imprisonment. This eBook cannot be legally loaned or given to others. No part of this eBook can be shared or reproduced without the express permission of the Publisher. To request permission and all other inquiries, contact Dreamspinner Press at: 4760 Preston Road, Suite 244-149, Frisco, TX 75034 http://www.dreamspinnerpress.com/ Released in the United States of America April 2011 eBook Edition eBook ISBN: 978-1-61581-964-5