Obsolete Man

THE OBSOLETE MAN

…“This is actual art,” Chad said.. “Well, parody. They’re all homoerotic parodies of movie posters.” “Homoerotic?” James questioned. “Mostly.” “I don’t hear that word much in everyday conversation.” “People don’t use it enough. But I could avoid using it again, if you’d like.” James shook his head. “No, I don’t mind it. You look at homoerotic pictures every morning on the way to work?” “Not every morning. Sometimes I’m looking at actual gay porn.” James laughed. The sound startled him. It was rusty and unrecognizable, and it hurt his throat a little bit. But he didn’t mind. In fact, he wouldn’t mind another one. “I take it you don’t read gay porn on the morning train?” Chad asked. “No, but…” James checked his watch. Seven-thirty-one. In less than twenty-four hours, this conversation wouldn’t matter. Connie’s anger wouldn’t matter. The endless psychological warfare that had characterized every moment of every day wouldn’t matter. The fact that he had no marketable skills and no future didn’t matter. He already felt palpable relief, and he was still almost twenty-four hours away from that release. “I don’t really need to read it. I have my own porn reel playing every morning.”

“Nothing unusual about that. I mean, don’t most guys have porn reels playing in their minds?” “That’s what I’ve heard. I’d be interested in finding out how many of those mental porn reels star you, though…”

ALSO BY P EPPER ESPINOZA …And To Hold Elected A Farewell To Angels Fumble Recovery (Just Like) Starting Over Making Waves Maybe I’m Amazed My Only Home Peanut Butter Kisses The Prince Who Never Smiled Quarterback Sneak The Streets Of Florence Surrender’s Edge

THE OBSOLETE MAN BY PEPPER ESPINOZA

AMBER Q UILL PRESS, LLC http://www.AmberQuill.com

THE OBSOLETE MAN AN AMBER QUILL PRESS BOOK This book is a work of fiction. All names, characters, locations, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination, or have been used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead, locales, or events is entirely coincidental. Amber Quill Press, LLC http://www.AmberQuill.com All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be transmitted or reproduced in any form, or by any means, without permission in writing from the publisher, with the exception of brief excerpts used for the purposes of review. Copyright © 2009 by Pepper Espinoza ISBN 978-1-60272-494-5 Cover Art © 2009 Trace Edward Zaber

Layout and Formatting provided by: Elemental Alchemy

PUBLISHED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

For Vivien—because everything depends on her.

THE OBSOLETE MAN

CHAPTER 1 The seven-twenty-three train was never late. A marvel of modern engineering, it raced through the city at eighty miles per hour. James Duran took that train every single weekday morning, and had for sixteen years. He took the five-thirtyeight train home. Every weekday. He went to the same job, and he came home to the same wife, because he liked the routine. And he liked his life. It wasn’t the greatest life. It was the life that he had secretly hoped for himself, but it was a good one. He fit. And in the dead of the night, when everybody truly was alone, that was all a person could ask for. He had a place in the world, and he fit there. The seven-twenty-three train. Every morning. 1

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James wasn’t the only one who took that train every morning. Or, that is to say that James noticed one other man in particular every single morning. He wasn’t a particularly tall man. He probably didn’t stand over five-ten. He had the sort of solid build that revealed a history of athleticism. James imagined he played varsity football in high school, and started for his college team no later than his sophomore year. He had dark hair and a great smile. He would have a great smile. James had never seen the man smile, because a person didn’t have much to smile about on the seven-twenty-three train. But he had lines at the corners of his eyes, and around his mouth, and James imagined they were the results of wide, passionate smiles. He listened to an iPod with small earbuds, and he read the New York Times. He didn’t get off at the same stop as James. He was always still seated when James stood to leave, and occasionally, when he took the five-thirty-eight train home, he was in his regular spot when James boarded. The man, his unaware traveling companion, had become the brightest spot in James’s life. He was beautiful, and he awakened desires that James had ignored for too long. His suits always fit perfectly. They fit like clothes should fit a man, accentuating every line. Occasionally, when James was very lucky, he caught a brief whiff of the man’s cologne. It was spicy and subtle and smooth. It suited him, like some strange alchemist had been tasked with the job of concocting the scent that could only be worn by him. As things spiraled out of James’s control, his morning 2

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companion became brighter and brighter. It was an unhealthy fixation, but what did it matter? The line had been drawn in the sand, and every day James rushed toward it on a seventwenty-three train at nearly one hundred miles an hour. A computer could do all the work he did, twice as fast, and at a fraction of a cost. So what did it matter that James spent most of his mornings thinking about the texture of the strange man’s skin, and the blunt shape of his nails? The only difference between that Monday morning and every other Monday morning was that James had already crossed the line in the sand. The train wasn’t taking him to Double Door Publishing, where he had spent the past twentyfive years of his life setting typeface and preparing items for the printing process. The train wasn’t taking him anywhere. But he was going to ride it one final time before he jumped in front of it. James positioned himself in the seat that the man always chose when he entered the train car. As soon as he saw James, he stopped short with eyes slightly widened. “Oh, I’m sorry.” James smiled. “I think I took your seat.” “No, no. It’s fine. My name isn’t on it.” James turned in his seat, as if to check. “It might be. What’s your name?” “Chad. Pennington.” “Nope, no Chad Pennington. But I’ll move anyway.” “You don’t have to do that,” Chad protested. “I don’t mind.” James slid to the empty seat to the left. “I’ve seen you on here before.” 3

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“You mean, you’ve seen me every morning?” Chad asked lightly as he sat down. The train lurched to life, the engines making a familiar, high-pitched whine. “That is what I meant. I wanted to introduce myself sooner, but you’ve always seemed so busy.” “Busy?” James nodded at the folded New York Times. “Reading.” “Actually, I only pretend to read this.” James arched his brow. “Why would you pretend to read it? Are you trying to impress somebody?” “I’m trying to hide the fact that I read this.” Chad lifted the flap of the newspaper, revealing a startlingly explicit yet whimsical book cover. A dark-haired man held another man in the clinch, while fires raged behind them. It looked like a gay version of Gone With the Wind. White text on the front informed James that the book was actually titled Gone to the Movies. “What is that? Gay porn?” Chad laughed. “No, it’s not.” “What is it?” “Art.” “That’s usually how people justify porn.” “True, but this is actual art. Well, parody. They’re all homoerotic parodies of movie posters.” “Homoerotic?” “Mostly.” “I don’t hear that word much in everyday conversation.” “People don’t use it enough. But I could avoid using it 4

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again, if you’d like.” James shook his head. “No, I don’t mind it. You look at homoerotic pictures every morning on the way to work?” “Not every morning. Sometimes I’m looking at actual gay porn.” James laughed. The sound startled him. It was rusty and unrecognizable, and it hurt his throat a little bit. But he didn’t mind. In fact, he wouldn’t mind another one. “I take it you don’t read gay porn on the morning train?” Chad asked. “No, but…” James checked his watch. Seven-thirty-one. In less than twenty-four hours, this conversation wouldn’t matter. Connie’s anger wouldn’t matter. The endless psychological warfare that had characterized every moment of every day wouldn’t matter. The fact that he had no marketable skills and no future didn’t matter. He already felt palpable relief, and he was still almost twenty-four hours away from that release. “I don’t really need to read it. I have my own porn reel playing every morning.” “Nothing unusual about that. I mean, don’t most guys have porn reels playing in their minds?” “That’s what I’ve heard. I’d be interested in finding out how many of those mental porn reels star you, though.” Chad blinked, like he didn’t quite know what to do about that. The day before—any day before this—James would have felt the cold-hot rush of humiliation, he would have mumbled an awkward apology, he would have moved to the other end of the car, then gotten off the train and caught a taxi to 5

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somewhere else. Maybe the other side of the state. But none of this would matter in a little less than twenty-four hours. “I would say at least a third of the men who cross my path.” James released his breath. “A third? Are you being modest?” “I try. It’s part of my charm.” “And to think, I wasn’t even aware of your charming modesty when I cast you in the movie.” “You’re not really aware of a number things about me. How do you know you’ve got the details right?” “I don’t. Which is why I’m inviting you to join me at the Marriott.” James expected another stunned silence. He wasn’t expecting an easy smile. An easy smile that made his chest twinge. “This is a little sudden, isn’t it? Usually strange men on trains ask me to dinner first.” “I don’t have time for a dinner, unfortunately.” “Why not?” “I’m leaving town tonight.” “For good?” “For good. I wouldn’t have the courage to even talk to you otherwise.” “Where are you going?” Admitting he planned to go on to his final reward probably would not be a great seduction technique. “Europe. Italy, to be precise.” “And the last thing you’re doing before leaving the States 6

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is cruise for guys on the train?” “I’m not cruising for guys. I mean, if you tell me to fuck off, I won’t go to the next car down and find a new guy there.” “You won’t?” “No. I’m only interested in you.” “I think I’m flattered.” “The Marriott is only about a block from the Powell stop.” Chad nodded. “I know where it is. I do have to go to work, though.” James nodded. He had been prepared for that response. He honestly thought it would be the very first thing out of Chad’s mouth. “I’ve seen you every morning without fail. As near as I can tell, you never take a day off from work. You’re never late. You’re as reliable as I am…was.” “What are you saying?” “Take the morning off.” “You only want the morning?” “It’s all I’m going to ask for,” James corrected. “I mean, I can’t very well demand you give your whole day to a total stranger.” “Just the morning.” “Right.” Chad regarded him, and James could almost see the wheels spinning behind his eyes. The fact that Chad was even considering it was enough to make him happy—it was more than he had really hoped for. He had already received more from Chad than he had really hoped for. “Hold on.” 7

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James watched, his mouth running dry, as Chad pulled a small phone from his pocket and pushed the screen. He didn’t make a sound, didn’t even dare breathe, as the phone went to Chad’s ear. Several eternal seconds passed before Chad said, “Hey, Angie, I’m probably not going to be in until after lunch. Just reschedule my ten o’clock…uh huh. Thanks.” The phone disappeared and Chad smiled at him. “So, the Powell stop?” “The Powell stop.” James could barely speak, his throat felt so tight. For the first time, the seven-twenty-three train was going to take him somewhere he wanted to be.

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CHAPTER 2 Everything was a blur from the moment Chad agreed to leave the train with him until the moment James unlocked the hotel room. They talked more. James tentatively revealed that he was leaving because he had lost his job. Chad made the appropriate sounds of sympathy that James expected, though James never mentioned Connie, and he never mentioned everything that had led to his termination. The mistakes he had made, and even more unforgiveable, all the mistakes he’d never made. Chad listened politely, and even asked a few questions to encourage James to continue. James appreciated that—he couldn’t remember the last time anybody had encouraged him to talk more. 9

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Even so, all the answers were fuzzy and distant. His world didn’t sharpen again until he slid the card key into the lock and pushed the door open. He had never rented a hotel room for a short visit in the middle of the day. And the last time he had fucked a man, he had been twenty, and he couldn’t even remember if things had gone well or if he had made a bunch of stupid mistakes. As soon as the door clicked shut behind them, panic clutched him. Calm down. So what if the sex is awful? So what if you make a fool of yourself, or he never wants to see you again? All this will be over tomorrow morning. You won’t have to live with these regrets, too. “I can do this,” James muttered. “What was that?” James smiled. “Nothing. I…how do you want to do this?” “The old-fashioned way is fine with me. Unless you know of some newfangled option?” “No, no, I only know the old-fashioned way. I brought some things.” He lifted his briefcase to the bed and popped it open. The documents he usually carried had already been removed and burned, leaving him with more than enough room for condoms, lubricant, a dildo, a cock ring, and a pair of cuffs. It wasn’t exactly the kinkiest sex kit ever, but he supposed it would get the job done for a morning of fun. “You usually carry this stuff with you?” “No, but I wish I’d brought the lube to work with me. It might have made the past few weeks easier.” Chad snorted. “Let’s set this stuff aside for now. I know 10

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I’m not ready for the dildo or the condoms.” Which begged the question of what Chad was ready for. The question was answered before James had the chance to give it voice. Chad tugged him close and claimed his mouth with a surprisingly hard, unbelievably demanding kiss. The sort of kiss that James had never even experienced before. For a brief moment, he didn’t know how to respond. Kissing always felt like a hardship to him. He was scared of drooling too much. His mouth was much bigger than Connie’s, and she hated the way he kissed her. If he kissed Chad wrong, would he simply walk out? If he walks out, you order a thick steak and the best wine on the menu and enjoy your final meal. No pressure. With the permission to relax, he followed Chad’s lead. He did one better than that. He unleashed all the desire and hunger he had been harboring for the past year—for his entire life. There was no existence before this hunger, and now he just gave into it. He curled his fists around Chad’s perfect jacket, clinging to him, chasing Chad’s mouth each time they separated for air. And to his extreme satisfaction, Chad responded to each new attack with one of his own. James was already a hairsbreadth from arousal, but as the kiss continued, he began to ache in ways he had never imagined. Had he ever wanted somebody so much that he felt it in his throat, on the back of his neck, in the arch of his foot? His hands moved of their own accord, motivated by a base desire that James had no control over. He pushed Chad’s jacket down his shoulders, letting the fine material hit the 11

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ground without a twinge of regret. Chad didn’t seem to mind, either. He clawed at James’s clothes, pulling his shirt from his pants to push his hands beneath the material. “I was more than a little worried,” Chad gasped, lifting his head long enough to pull his tie off. “About what?” “Chemistry.” Chemistry definitely was not a problem. Their mouths came together again, and James knew he had been too conservative in his fantasies. When he was ten, his father took him to Disneyland. The disappointment he had experienced that weekend had been intense—but he had been fantasizing about the wonder and magic of Disneyland since he was five. Perhaps that was why he wouldn’t let himself even consider that Chad could be the best kisser he had ever met, could have the best hands, could smell better than a bakery. James tugged Chad’s belt free, then pulled down his zipper. He shuddered at the first brush of his knuckles over Chad’s smooth skin. Without a thought, he dropped to his knees. He needed to smell the musk of Chad’s skin, needed to test the smooth skin with his fingertips and his mouth, needed to study and know every inch of his length. He wanted to know the weight of his balls, and taste the salt along the seam of his thigh. “James…” James forced Chad’s pants down and helped him step out of them. He ran his hands up and down Chad’s strong thighs, mapping the muscles, marveling at each flex and tremble 12

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beneath his skin. His body wasn’t flawless. There were freckles and birthmarks, and what looked to be a scar or two. Each one drew James’s attention, and in turn, drew his mouth, like he was a moth seeking light and warmth. Each second he spent kissing Chad’s body took him farther away from the rest of the world, to a place where nothing existed except the two of them. Chad gripped the back of James’s skull, his fingers flexing with each breath he took. James loved the additional weight of his hand, the pressure of his fingers, the subtle way he guided James’s mouth along his legs and groin, closer and closer to his waiting cock. But he didn’t need any encouragement to mouth a path from the nest of tight curls up to the crown of his cock. “God, James…your mouth feels better than I imagined.” The comment startled him into looking up. “You imagined me?” “You think I didn’t notice you?” “Well…yeah…” “I noticed,” Chad promised. “Every day. I even noticed when you stopped smiling.” James blinked. He didn’t know what to do with that. A part of him was inordinately pleased to know that Chad had even been aware of his existence. Another part of him was just sad—a stranger could take the time to notice him, but not his wife or his friends or his coworkers. He didn’t want to think about that. That’s not why he was in a hotel room with the person who amounted to his dream 13

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man. So he closed his lips around Chad’s head, sighing as the taste of pre-come, at the texture of his skin, the weight of flesh against his tongue. It had been so long, and despite his fantasies, he hadn’t even realized how much he’d missed the taste and texture of a thick, hard cock. Immediately, he planned to swallow Chad’s cock until he had it completely down his throat. At first, he assumed it had been too long to even try to deep throat Chad—especially since his cock was a bit longer and a bit thicker than he had anticipated. Even when he’d slept with men on a regular basis, he wasn’t exactly good at it. It wasn’t one of his natural talents. But none of that mattered now. He wanted as much of Chad as he could get. James moved his mouth lower and lower, taking in more and more of Chad’s shaft. He was forced to pause before he reached the base, the tip already tickling the back of his throat. Chad didn’t force him down. He didn’t even make a sound of protest when James eased back until only the head was caught between his lips. He sucked hard, creating a tight seal around the throbbing tip, until Chad moaned and bucked his hips. Taking a deep breath, James tried again, this time gaining an extra inch before pulling back. “James, you don’t have to swallow it all,” Chad murmured, though his words already sounded ragged. James ignored him. He wanted to do this. Not just for Chad, but for himself, too. The third time was, in fact, the charm. He relaxed as much as he could and moved until he buried his nose in Chad’s hair, 14

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his lips tight around the base. The pressure at the back of his throat was enough to trigger his gag reflex, but he forced himself to stay in place, even as his body tried to resist. Chad moaned softly, his fingers tight on James’s scalp. James pulled back completely, gulped for breath, and then tried again. He repeated the process, and by the fourth time, it wasn’t even uncomfortable. He kept his eyes open, trained on Chad’s face, noting each sign of pleasure, each sudden sharp breath, each time his eyes closed and his head dropped back. He cupped Chad’s balls, squeezing them gently, rolling them along his fingers. His skin was dry, sprinkled with coarse hair, and smooth in the warm hotel room. The added pressure elicited a moan from Chad—but this particular moan seemed to travel through James’s body. He felt it at the back of his neck and in his fingertips. His own cock throbbed, bulging against his pants, begging for attention. James tried to distract himself by tearing his mouth from Chad’s prick and focusing on his sac. He sucked one ball, then the other, between his lips, letting them both rest against his tongue. Chad moaned again. It was a wonderful sound, unlike any other he had ever heard. Connie never moaned like that for him, no matter what he tried to do to her, or for her. And everybody else he had ever fucked was an insignificant blur, so he couldn’t remember how they had responded at all. But he knew that he would never forget Chad’s sound of pleasure—of satisfaction. Everything James did just made him hungry for more. Swallowing Chad’s length wasn’t enough. Sucking on his 15

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balls wasn’t enough. James wasn’t sure what would be enough—perhaps letting Chad fuck him to within an inch of his life. “James?” James looked up through his lashes. “This feels great—really great—but I want more.” James didn’t know what Chad meant until the other man grabbed his shoulders and hauled him to his feet. Their mouths crashed together, Chad’s tongue demanding entrance, as if to chase the taste of his own skin and pre-come in James’s mouth. Chad walked him backward to the edge of the bed, and they fell together without breaking contact. Did Chad want to fuck him? Was that what he meant? Or did he want something else? Chad yanked at James’s fly, freeing the zipper, and allowing his cock to spring free of the material. James couldn’t stop his whimper of relief. The whimper quickly turned into a moan as Chad fisted his cock, stripping it once, and his crown was suddenly wet with pre-come. “What do you want, James?” He blinked. “What do I want?” “What do you want?” Chad repeated. “Tell me one of those fantasies you’ve had.” “I…any fantasy?” “Any fantasy.” “The dildo up my ass while you fuck my face.” “Is that all you want?” “No. Not at all. But it’s a good start.” 16

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Chad grinned. “Yes, it is. Let’s get you undressed.” Chad made short work of James’s remaining clothes, leaving him naked on the bed. Chad rolled away long enough to grab the dildo and the lube, and James’s eyes widened. “You’re actually going to do it?” “That’s what you wanted, isn’t it?” “Well…yeah…I just thought you were asking out of curiosity or something.” Chad shook his head. “No, I was asking because I wanted to do what you wanted. I have no problem with fucking your face.” James could only smile as Chad carefully spread the lubricant all over the thick toy. “Besides, this way you’ll be good and stretched for me.” Heat rushed through James at the thought, his throat tightening. He felt a twinge of regret that they would only have a morning together—suddenly that didn’t seem like nearly enough time. Another regret to add to his long list, but on the other hand, it was best not to get too greedy. Even if it felt like they were clicking on every level. Even if he had an entire volume of fantasies that he would love to share and explore with Chad. James pushed himself up the bed, until he felt the pillows beneath his head. He bent his knees and spread them, watching with heavy lids as Chad knelt between his knees and pushed the thick end against James’s clenched hole. James took a deep breath, willing himself to relax as Chad eased the shaft into his tight channel. Unlike an actual cock, it was cold and unyielding, the lube adding to the chill. He loved the way 17

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it made his flesh burn, and he loved the way it split him, making him ache in all the right ways, but it just served as a reminder that what he really wanted was Chad. In comparison to the dildo, Chad’s flesh would be searing hot, throbbing, intoxicating, wonderfully alive. “Is this good?” Chad asked. James nodded frantically. The corner of Chad’s gorgeous mouth lifted, and he crawled up James’s body, letting the tip of his wet cock drag over his thigh, stomach, chest, and finally, his chin. He gripped the base of his cock and brushed the head over James’s lips, smearing the pre-come over his skin, before forcing his cock into James’s mouth. Chad didn’t even pretend that James had any control this time. He fed his cock down James’s throat, forcing him to take every single inch. It was easier at this angle. All James had to do was relax his jaw and his throat. His ass clenched around the dildo, and his throat tightened around Chad’s cock, and James remembered why this was one of his most prominent fantasies. It was completely overwhelming and fulfilling. He dug his fingers into Chad’s ass, pulling him closer, encouraging him to thrust harder, move faster. Chad didn’t need the encouragement. He braced himself on the bed’s headboard, pushed himself up on his knees, and set a hard, demanding rhythm. James’s eyes rolled to the back of his head, and he moaned with each thrust. He thought he might be choking, but that didn’t matter. His cock ached, but that didn’t matter either. The bed rattled and shook from the force of Chad’s thrusts, and the only thing louder than the headboard 18

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hitting the wall was Chad’s moans—paired with the occasional yelp or shout. James pushed his hips up, so his ass cleared the bed. He bounced on the mattress, the toy hitting his prostate each time he did. That, combined with the way Chad made his throat bulge, made James think he might come without Chad even touching his cock. His chest burned, and he struggled to breathe through his nose, though he kept forgetting that he needed to. He kept forgetting that he needed to do anything, except swallow around Chad’s length. His flesh was hot and firm beneath James’s fingers, his powerful muscles flexing with each thrust forward. “James…” He recognized the warning for what it was. His body tensed in anticipation, and before he even tasted the first splash of come at the back of his throat, his flesh was hot with the sharp sense of satisfaction. As soon as Chad stiffened, pleasure raced through him. Everything blended together, and he didn’t know what, exactly, happened first. His balls tightened and his cock jerked, come coating his stomach, just as Chad’s cock twitched against his tongue. Hot, salty liquid filled his mouth, and it was all he could do to swallow without choking as sticky pleasure pushed through his body. Chad carefully moved away from James’s body and collapsed on his side with a soft sigh. “Do you want me to take care of the dildo?” “Please.” He gently eased the dick from his ass, then carried it over 19

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to the sink at the vanity. James felt boneless against the mattress. He stared at the ceiling, vaguely wishing that he had chosen a low-class motel—something with mirrors on the ceiling. He didn’t need to see himself, but he would love to see how he looked with Chad’s body above him, around him, or below him. “That was really something,” Chad said as he returned, climbing onto the bed beside him. “It was.” “I should have said something the first time I noticed you.” James smiled at the thought. “It wouldn’t have done you any good.” “Why?” “Until last Friday, I was married.” “The divorce was final last Friday?” “No. She packed up all our stuff, and I mean everything, and moved out on Friday. Things had been strained between us for awhile…maybe since the day after we actually got married. But me getting fired was just the final straw, I guess.” Chad winced with sympathy. “Oh, man, that’s rough. So…that’s why you’re going to Italy?” “Yeah…yeah, that’s why. Look, can you do me a favor?” “What?” “Can you take a different train tomorrow?” Chad frowned. “Why?” “I just think you should take a different train. Maybe the seven-ten train. I mean, you probably ought to go to work early tomorrow anyway, right?” 20

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“Not really, no. Why does it matter?” “It doesn’t. Not really.” What difference did it make if he waited for seven-twentythree or for the seven-fifty-eight? Either one would do the same job in the end. He was attracted to the symmetry for jumping in front of his regular train, but he liked Chad. The last thing he wanted to do was scar him mentally or emotionally. And being late for work because the guy you fucked the day before was laying on the tracks, sawed in half by the train, would definitely be traumatic enough to potentially scar him. “You sure?” “Yes.” Chad glanced at his watch. “We’ve still got three hours.” James grinned. “Really?” “Yep. I just need a bit of recovery time.” “That’s understandable.” Chad scooped his arm under James’s shoulders and pulled him close, more or less forcing James to use Chad’s shoulder as a pillow. James didn’t mind. He smelled amazing. He felt even better. And there was a weight on his eyes. He hadn’t slept at all the night before. In fact, he couldn’t remember the last time he had a really good night’s sleep. “You tired?” Chad asked. “A little.” “Take a nap. I won’t let you sleep too long.” “You promise?” “I promise.” 21

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James released his breath and closed his eyes. That seemed like a fair enough deal. He just hoped that Chad kept his word and he didn’t wait the final hours they had together—or that James had on earth.

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CHAPTER 3 James had the most striking green eyes that Chad had ever seen. They didn’t have a single fleck of brown. They weren’t dark around the iris and lighter on the outer edges. They were a solid, arresting green. The sort of green that reminded Chad of spring. It had been the very first thing Chad had ever noticed about the man. How could he not notice it? The second he’d stepped onto the train, his whole body had frozen, stunned. He had recovered quickly, saving himself any embarrassment, but he’d never forgotten that first sight. The second thing Chad had noticed about James was the ring on his left hand. Of course, he was married. Even in the San Francisco area, Chad didn’t have much luck in that 23

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department. If he found a man attractive, it was pretty much a given that the man was married. And he did not have affairs with married men. Not because he necessarily had any moral hang-ups over it, but because there wasn’t a married man alive worth that sort of hassle. They were very high-maintenance, always changing plans, and wanting to meet at odd, inconvenient times. So he settled for checking out James every morning and indulging in the occasional fantasy. More than once, he’d considered choosing the seat beside the stranger with the thin blond hair and the enticing green eyes. Especially when he started to notice that said stranger was no longer smiling. At all. Ever. A dark cloud seemed to hang around him, which Chad found simultaneously attractive and off putting. He wanted to be the one who made his smile return, but he didn’t want to get caught up in some crazy drama. With the benefit of hindsight, Chad knew he should have introduced himself the very first time he noticed James. Chad watched James sleep, letting an hour slip away. He could easily extract himself from the bed, dress, and be to work in just thirty minutes. They both got off, had a good time, and that’s all either of them had promised. But he didn’t want to cheat either one of them out of much deserved pleasure. In fact, he couldn’t stop himself from mentally rearranging his schedule to allow for an entire day off. He wasn’t sure why James wasn’t going to be available later, but he didn’t believe for a second that he planned to move to Italy. One didn’t just pick up and move to Italy. 24

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He only had enough patience to let James sleep for an hour. After that, he couldn’t stop himself from kissing his brow—and the permanent worry lines there—kissing the corner of his mouth, and then moving lower to kiss his throat and his chest. James had been so overwhelming, so intent on getting his mouth around Chad’s cock, that he hadn’t had the chance to do any of the things that he really wanted to do. Chad made it as far as James’s stomach before he heard, “How long was I asleep?” “Not long.” “I think I needed that nap.” “Feeling better?” “A bit. What are you doing?” “Kissing you.” “Oh. Okay.” “Do you want to talk about it?” “About you kissing me?” “No. About your job. Or your wife.” James waited a bit before murmuring, “No. I don’t know. There really isn’t much to say, and I don’t want to bore you.” Chad ran his mouth over the line of his hip. “I wouldn’t have asked if I thought you would bore me.” “I guess I’ll take your word on that. I was an associate at a law firm here in town. There was already a huge amount of pressure on me because I was only an associate. By the time you reach my age, you’re supposed to be well on your way to partner.” “Your age?” 25

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“I’m forty-five.” Chad lifted his head. “You are not.” “I am.” “You don’t look that old.” “Thanks. But I feel older than that.” “So what was the problem?” “Lots of things. The biggest, though, was that I didn’t have enough billable hours. Everything else kind of built on that. Things got worse, though, when they hired a young man straight out of law school. He was—is—everything that I’m not. Brilliant, handsome, wealthy, and did I mention brilliant? I don’t really want to get into the details, but…well, he’s got my job and my wife now.” “So…it’s actually worse than I thought.” “Yeah. Do you think I’m the most pathetic person you’ve ever met?” Chad gripped James’s cock and began to stroke it slowly. “No, not at all.” “You know somebody who’s fifty without a job, a family, or any prospects?” Chad chuckled. “No. Do you have any dreams? Goals? Investments?” “I have investments. As for dreams…they don’t really matter.” “What about Italy?” “We both know I’m not going to Italy.” “Yeah, I guess we do. Humor me. I want to know.” “I…well, I want to cook. I don’t need to be a world 26

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renown chef. I could be happy cooking at a diner somewhere. I went to culinary school for a year once. I enjoy it.” “So why don’t you go back to culinary school?” Chad asked. “I’m too old for that.” “You’re not.” Chad continued to pump his wrist, keeping the rhythm slow and steady. “I know you’re not scared of taking chances. If you were, you wouldn’t have approached me this morning.” “If you keep that up, I’m not going to be capable of a coherent conversation.” “I think I’m done talking for now.” Chad turned his head and kissed the corded muscle of James’s thigh. He had a great body. Maybe he tried to work out his frustrations at the gym. That would certainly make sense, and explain why he didn’t have an inch of fat on his hard frame. Chad closed his mouth around his skin, sucking hard enough to leave a purple mark on his thigh. James moaned and bucked beneath him, his legs widening even farther. “I am scared of risks,” James said, despite Chad’s declaration that he was done talking. “Yeah?” “I only talked to you because I knew none of this would matter tomorrow.” Chad understood the implication, but he chose not to acknowledge it. If James didn’t want to say the words, then Chad sure as hell wouldn’t. 27

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“Why don’t you just live like that?” He left another hickey on James’s thigh. He liked the way the purple looked against his pale skin. He wanted to leave little marks like that all over James’s body. “Every single day?” “Like none of it will matter in the morning?” “Yeah.” “You make it sound so simple.” “It is.” “Is that how you live your life?” Chad shook his head. “Unfortunately, no. If I did, I would have talked to you sooner.” “I already told you, I was married.” Chad slid up his body. “And I don’t date married guys. But…” He reached between their bodies and gripped their cocks together. James whimpered, jerking his hips to increase the contact. “I think this might have been worth a few exceptions.” “I…” Chad sealed their mouths together, cutting off any further protest. Kissing James wasn’t like kissing anybody else, because James was so hungry for it. Like he couldn’t believe it was happening, so he was going to make every second count for as much as he could. Chad thought he could sense the other man’s loneliness, his hunger for human contact, his need for something real and solid. Chad couldn’t help but respond to that. In fact, his whole body surged in response. James wrapped his arms around Chad, holding him tightly, encouraging him to continue the exploration of his mouth. 28

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Chad still gripped their cocks together, and they seemed to be pulsing in time. That steady rhythm spread through Chad’s body, and he even felt it pounding a tattoo behind his eyes. He seemed to be completely in tune with James, with the rhythms and motions of his body. Chad lifted his head long enough to lick his fingers, then pushed his hand between James’s thighs. He sought out James’s hole, and the lube that was still on his skin reacted to his wet fingers. He pushed two into James’s channel without any effort at all, his muscles eagerly wrapping around Chad’s digits. “You haven’t been fucked in a long time, have you?” James shook his head. “I can tell.” He pulled his fingers out to the first knuckle, then pushed forward, burying them in his channel once again. “Do you want me to fuck you now?” “Yes, please.” “Do you want it slow? Or fast?” James shook his head. “I don’t know.” Chad didn’t know, either. He preferred slow, but something about James spurred him to move faster, and harder. He was surprised James didn’t have a sore or bruised throat—he hadn’t exactly been gentle once he felt James’s tight throat constrict around his length. “We’ll aim for both. Let me get a condom.” That was easier said than done. He couldn’t quite bring himself to move away from James’s body. Every time he broke a kiss, James moved in for another. Every time he tried 29

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to pull away from James’s ass, his muscles tightened, clamping down on Chad’s hand. He might have allowed that to continue, but his cock ached and pure needed crawled up and down his spine. Chad only took as much time as he needed to reach for a condom and rip the foil open with his teeth. Before he even had the condom unrolled on his shaft, he was moving in for James’s mouth again. No matter how much he kissed James, there was still that edge he had sensed before. He couldn’t do anything to push it away, but he still tried, he still wanted to know what James’s mouth would taste like when he was smiling. “Are you ready?” Chad gasped. James nodded frantically. “You don’t need to be stretched more?” “No, no. I’m ready.” “You’re sure?” “I’m sure,” James promised. Chad lined his cock up with James’s hole, teasing the clenched ring of muscle with the tip of his cock, spreading the lube there. The heat radiating from James’s body was amazing. So amazing that Chad couldn’t even think of resisting him. With a final moan, he pushed forward, sinking into his flesh inch by careful, deliberate inch. James gripped Chad’s upper arms, his fingers digging into the skin with more and more force as Chad filled his tight passage. “Don’t stop.” “No, I won’t.” Though Chad wasn’t even sure he could 30

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start, because the heat was unlike anything else Chad had ever experienced. Even though James had been stretched with the dildo, he was still unbelievably tight. Chad inched back, and the first thrust forward sent a shockwave through his frame. His muscles already felt like water. There was no way he could take this slow. On the other hand, there was no way he could rush this. And it was impossible to tell just what James wanted from him. Well, not impossible. He could tell one thing—James wanted him closer. His arms and legs wrapped around Chad’s body, and he buried his face in Chad’s neck, muffling his moans and sighs. They began to move, though Chad wasn’t sure if that was because of his own prompting, or because James started rocking. It didn’t matter who started it, because they were both moving in the same rhythm, with the same breath, and the same goal. This wasn’t just a one-night stand—or a onemorning stand, as the case may be. Once that thought struck Chad, he couldn’t shake it. He couldn’t deny it, either. Regardless of what James thought, or what he planned, there was something there. James’s cock was trapped between their bodies, and each time his stomach scraped across the underside of his shaft, both of them shuddered. James’s mouth was hot and hungry. Everything between them was pure sensation. Time fell away, the room fell away, and James’s tight muscles fluttered and pulsed and clenched around him. He felt like he was getting away from himself, but James 31

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brought him right back to earth, grounding him with a sudden bite on his shoulder. Pain shot down his spine, but almost immediately, it turned to a more demanding pleasure. The new wound on his shoulder pulsated with his rapid heartbeat, and the sharp pressure spurred him to move faster. Harder. Pounding into James’s willing body. “That’s it…Chad…faster…” Chad didn’t understand how James could even form words. Clearly, that was a situation that needed to be rectified. Every time he increased the tempo, demanded more of James, James responded in kind. They kept up with each other, until everything exploded with an intensity that blurred his vision. Distantly, he felt James’s knuckles moving against his stomach as he stroked his cock. He only stripped his length twice before he erupted as well, the come and sweat smearing between them. They collapsed together, all arms and legs and wet, sloppy kisses. Several minutes passed before either one of them could even consider speaking. And even when Chad caught his breath, he wasn’t sure exactly what to say. That was great? Let’s do it again sometime? It sure was worth cancelling a few meetings? None of those seemed quite right. But one thing did. “I want to see you again tomorrow night. One of my clients has a show in town, and I think you should come with me.” “Clients?” “I’m an entertainment agent. I represent musicians, 32

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mostly.” “Oh. I feel like I should have asked about that earlier.” “It didn’t matter earlier. So what do you say? Will you be my date?” “I…I don’t know.” James tried to sit up, but Chad refused to move, and James couldn’t escape his weight. “I don’t know.” “If you’re worried that you won’t like the music, don’t. There’s always something else to do at these concerts. Or we can go somewhere else.” “Why do you want to take me out anywhere?” “Because I like you. I’ve had fun this morning, haven’t you?” “Yeah, yeah I have. I just…I didn’t think you’d want to see me again. That’s all.” “You just wanted a wham-bam-thank-you-sir thing?” “That’s all I really thought was possible.” “Well, clearly, it’s not. Unless that’s what you want. I suppose I can’t do anything about that.” James gently pushed Chad away. “I think I need to go shower. You probably should, too.” “Can I talk you into sharing the shower?” “Yeah. Yeah, I think you can.” As they separated, Chad felt a piercing fear that James wouldn’t accept his invitation, and wherever he planned to go, wherever he planned to be the next day, Chad would never see him again. It shouldn’t have really mattered. He didn’t need to stay in 33

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touch with every guy he ever fucked. Most of them were out of his life, out of his mind, by the morning after. Somehow, James was different. Chad just didn’t know how.

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CHAPTER 4 James pulled his collar higher around his face, trying to block the wind from his cheeks and mouth. It was surprisingly cold on the platform, the wind rushing off the San Francisco Bay, and thick clouds gathering overhead. He had walked out of the house without his gloves, and his fingers felt like they might just turn to ice and snap off. He kept his hands buried in his pockets, but that did nothing to stop the trembling. In fact, nothing could stop the shudders wracking his entire frame. The huge LED screen above him announced that the seven-twenty-three train was on time, and it would be there in ten minutes. His coat wasn’t suitable for this type of winter storm. It hadn’t seemed to matter the day before that his coat 35

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was inadequate for the seasonal weather, but now it bothered him. Connie had given him the coat for his birthday and, of course, she had been unaware of his needs. She never took the train anywhere. Nine minutes. After he and Chad had parted ways, he had gone to Trader Joe’s and shopped for food that Connie never liked. She didn’t like seafood, so he selected crab, shrimp, and sushi. He made himself a spinach salad as his starter, and enjoyed the simplicity of gelato for desert. It had all been delicious and perfect. Except for the fact that he ate it alone. He didn’t know if his lonely last supper was a happy note, or just another bleak moment to mark. More than once, he found himself wondering if Chad liked seafood. Was he the sort of person to choose a perfect filet of fish for his last supper, or would he have selected a steak? Maybe a rare rib-eye? James dismissed the thought as too morbid to entertain. Even though he was on a rather morbid errand, and everybody thought about what they would do for their final meal once or twice. He supposed he should have tried to work that question into the conversation. It would have cemented Chad’s suspicions, no doubt. Eight minutes. His body was still pleasantly sore from the hours with Chad. He had fucked him once more before he had finally had to leave for work. James wanted to beg him not to go, to give the two of them just a few more hours. It might have worked. Chad certainly fucked him with an enthusiasm that indicated 36

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he wasn’t yet tired of James. But it sounded like Chad was a very busy man, and James didn’t want to impose on his job and his life. Though maybe that was part of his problem. He never wanted to impose on anybody. He never wanted to impose himself on his wife or his boss. The one time he had thought to impose on anybody’s time, he had been rewarded with approximately four hours of the best sex he had ever had in his entire life. An important lesson to keep in mind—if he ever planned to be in a situation where it mattered. But…in seven minutes that lesson wouldn’t matter. Seven minutes. It seemed like he should be doing something besides spending the last seven minutes of his life thinking about Chad. What else was he supposed to think about? He supposed it was different for everybody. Maybe some people thought about their children. Or their greatest achievements. What about the people who didn’t know they were about to die? They were just going on like they always did, living their normal lives, thinking their normal thoughts. And if this was like any other day, he would be thinking about Chad. Chad, who seemed to like him even though he was at least ten or twelve years his senior, even though he was thinning a little on top, even though he was unemployed, even though he was just some strange guy who picked him up on a train. And given how much Chad insisted on talking, how many questions he had for James and his life, it seemed like Chad genuinely liked him. James felt like they could go on a few 37

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dates and have a good time and things could get better from there. Optimism. Chad encouraged optimism. Or what James assumed was optimism. It had been a long time since he’d felt anything like that, so he couldn’t be entirely sure what it was. The day before, in that hotel room, Chad’s body pulsing and locked with his, he had been happy. And what a strange, bizarre sensation that had been. Something that had settled in his chest, took up residence there, and was still lingering there. Which made it very difficult to think about the train that would be arriving in six minutes. The wind picked up, whistling ferociously around his ears. It wasn’t enough to dampen the roar of the traffic below him, rushing east and west. Cars, trucks, semi-trucks, buses, and the higher pitched whine of the motorcycles. A fat drop of water landed on his nose, and he jerked backward with shock. Another cold drop and another fell, dotting his skin, hanging from his eyelashes, wetting his hair. The weather hadn’t said anything about rain. He had checked that morning before he left the house—the house that would probably belong to Connie by the time the divorce was finalized. Rain wouldn’t delay the train. He already knew that. But he still found it more than a little disconcerting. Of course, it might make the decision easier. People slipped on the slick platform. It would look like an accident. It would be a tragedy. The people who were going to be late for work, the conductor who would have to live with running him over—it’d be better for them if it looked like an accident instead of something 38

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deliberate. Though it was something deliberate. He hadn’t left a note. He hadn’t called anybody the night before, though it occurred to him that it might be thoughtful to call Connie. Chad was the last person he’d spoken to, the last person he’d seen. And if anybody asked Chad—though he couldn’t imagine who would bother—he’d probably indicate that James had seemed happy. Normal. Hadn’t indicated any desire to kill himself. Normal. Happy. Three minutes. Would it hurt? He had assumed that it would be over in an instant. The train would hit his body and shatter it immediately. There wouldn’t be time for pain. But what if he had been wrong? What if he felt every bone breaking? What if he felt his spine snapping in two? What if he was paralyzed, unable to run, unable to do anything until the train finally ground him into paste on the tracks? James’s stomach clenched, the cramp making his legs hurt and his palms clammy. It wasn’t anything except an instinctive response. All animals were wired to be afraid of death. If he didn’t fear it a little bit, there would be something wrong with him. Or something more than was already wrong with him. He had been so logical about the whole situation, he didn’t want to let emotions get in the way of this decision. Emotions had no place in a decision like this. People couldn’t think straight when they were plagued with emotions. And if ever he needed to think straight, it was now. Two and a half minutes. He had wanted to be standing at 39

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the edge of the platform before the train arrived. It came so fast that he needed to be prepared. The bench he was sitting on offered a modicum protection from the rain, but he forced himself to straighten, ducking his head against the growing torrent. The water soaked through his coat. He wore his work clothes out of habit, and the cotton shirt was getting damp. Did he have a choice? Was there really any sense of agency here? As soon as the thought had occurred to him, he had grabbed onto it with both hands. It had seemed so right. So straightforward. You have never been a man, James. You just duck your head and shuffle your feet through life. You’re going to die without even living for a day. How could you think that somebody like me could be happy with somebody like you forever? Connie’s words. While the sting of being fired still vibrated through him, she had turned on him with both barrels. This isn’t about finding somebody new. This is about getting out of the rut that you’ve dragged us into. He had lied to Chad, and now he felt guilty about that. He had told a story about losing a job in a law firm so it would seem like he had done something worthwhile with his life. Working for a small publisher as a prepress technician for the past twenty-five years didn’t seem the least bit interesting or glamorous. Why it had been so critical for Chad to be impressed, James didn’t know. He wasn’t thinking clearly. One minute, thirty seconds. He hadn’t been thinking clearly for months. Not since his 40

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boss informed him that his new position would require a solid background with computers and a graduate degree in printing technologies. Forty-five years old, and they wanted him to completely relearn the job he had been doing since he was twenty. It had been unreasonable. Impossible. Frightening. But maybe that had only been the case because if he went back to school, it wouldn’t be to learn more about printing technology. Chad had mentioned a second chance. And he had only wanted Chad to like him. Not just fuck him, but genuinely like him. One minute. James stepped back from the edge of the platform. Instead of standing where he could slip and fall, he stood where the yellow and white lines indicated he should. The platform began to rumble and vibrate, warning of the impending train. “James!” He spun around, surprised to see Chad racing up the escalator, waving his arms wildly, his face red, his hair plastered to his head from the rain. “James! Wait!” “What…?” “Don’t jump!” He nearly slipped at the top of the escalators, but that didn’t slow him down. He raced across the platform and grabbed James’s arm. “Don’t jump. God, I didn’t think I was going to make it.” “Make it? How did you know?” “You wouldn’t agree to meet me, and you just lost your job and your wife, and you told me to take a different train. 41

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And I was thinking about it last night, and I just…I put it all together. I was right, right? I mean…I don’t look totally insane, do I?” James shook his head. “You’re not insane. I was…I was going to jump…but I’m not. I changed my mind.” “You did?” “Yeah, I realized something…I lied to you.” Chad arched an eyebrow. “About what?” “I wasn’t a lawyer. I don’t think I’ve ever been inside a law firm. I used to work at a publishing house. I did things like typesetting and arranging the pages for print. But they don’t need a person to do that anymore. So they eliminated my position. I told you the other thing because I thought…I wanted you to be impressed. Like it mattered. Because it does matter.” “What about your wife?” “Oh, that part was true. She did leave me. For another guy she’s been fucking for the past year.” James swallowed. “I was going to get on the train and see if you still wanted to go out tonight. Though I guess I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to avoid an unemployed, lying, possibly suicidal crazy person.” “Well, it’s not really your fault you’re unemployed, right?” “No, not really.” “And you’re telling the truth now?” “Yes. I’m being completely honest with you.” “I think if I were in your shoes, I might consider throwing myself in front of a train. The important thing is that you 42

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changed your mind. Besides, after what I went through this morning, I can’t just walk away from you.” Chad was still holding his arm, and they were still standing in the rain, though the second fact was less important than the first one. “What did you go through this morning?” “I wasn’t entirely sure what stop was yours. And I don’t have a car. So I just made an educated guess and caught a bus and really hoped that I wasn’t wrong.” “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to put you through that or drag you into this mess.” The train stopped, and the doors swooshed open. Around them, people began to embark, unaware or uncaring about the drama playing itself out just feet from them. James tried to take a step toward the train, but Chad held him back. “If we don’t take this one, we’re going to be stuck in the rain for another twenty minutes.” “I know. I was hoping we can go somewhere to get dry.” “You’ll be late for work.” “I cleared my schedule for the day. Well, I had my assistant clear my schedule for the day. I figured if I found you in time, I shouldn’t just rush to work in case you needed me. And if I didn’t…I wouldn’t feel like working anyway.” James grimaced. “I am really sorry. You didn’t ask for any of this, and now you’ve missed out on a day and a half of work because of me.” “Believe me, James, I’m glad to miss work. I couldn’t stop thinking about you last night.” “I don’t live far from here. And we’ll have the house to 43

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ourselves.” “With a hot shower and maybe some clothes I can change into?” “I have a robe.” “That’s a good start.” “I just can’t believe you came looking for me.” “I’d miss you too much if anything happened to you. Come on.” He led James back to the escalators, and didn’t release him as they went beneath the platform, out of the reach of the rain and wind. The happiness that he had grasped the morning before was back, warming him through to his bones. The farther away he moved from the platform, the more it felt like the world was righting itself. Dark shadows had chased him from every corner, but now even though the sun was blanketed by clouds, everything seemed brighter. “I think I will go back to culinary school,” James announced. “That’s good.” “Are you willing to be my guinea pig?” “Always. I love to eat. I was actually hoping that you would make me breakfast.” “I’ll make you lunch, too. How do you feel about seafood?” “Love it.” “And Trader Joe’s?” “It’s my favorite place.” James smiled. “You know, I think this could be the start of 44

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a beautiful relationship.” Chad snorted. “Am I the only one who thinks that Renault was in love with Rick?” “No. Not at all.” “Do you like old movies?” “I do. You’re a movie a buff?” “It’s why I got into entertainment. Getting in on the music side of thing was an accident.” As soon as they left the station, Chad released his arm, in favor of holding his hand. James liked that. It felt right. “And I agree,” Chad said. “About what?” “This is going to be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.”

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P EPPER ESPINOZA Pepper Espinoza lives in southern California with her husband and her cats. She has spent the last year working as a full time author, and intends to start graduate school in the fall. You can learn more about Pepper by visiting her website: http://www.pepperverse.net *

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