Nothing Ever Happens

Copyright

Published by Dreamspinner Press 4760 Preston Road Suite 244-149 Frisco, TX 75034 http://www.dreamspinnerpress.com/ This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author‟s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. Nothing Ever Happens Copyright © 2011 by Sue Brown Cover Art by Reese Dante http://www.reesedante.com All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without the written permission of the Publisher, except where permitted by law. To request permission and all other inquiries, contact Dreamspinner Press, 4760 Preston Road, Suite 244-149, Frisco, TX 75034 http://www.dreamspinnerpress.com/ ISBN: 978-1-61581-856-3 Printed in the United States of America First Edition March 2011 eBook edition available eBook ISBN: 978-1-61581-857-0

Dedication

For my friend, Andy Eisenberg, who has been with this story since its inception. You taught me that life is far, far stranger than fiction. This is for you, my friend, with all my love and thanks.

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Chapter 1

ANDREW watched the new couple with a cynical eye. Mr. and Mrs. Newlyweds, matching rings glinting in the sunlight, his arm around her shoulders, keeping her close. He could only see their backs as they were introduced to the neighborhood vultures, but Jesus, he was tall. Built like a brick shit house. His wife was tiny compared to Mr. Newlywed, barely coming up to his shoulders, yet from Andrew‟s perspective she had him on a tight leash, her fingers hooked firmly though his belt loops. She wasn‟t letting him go anytime soon. Andrew couldn‟t hear them, but he could see the guy laughing at some wisecrack Allison had made. He knew how this would pan out. An introduction at the cookout, polite smiles exchanged, then they would vanish behind the front door, only emerging for work and grocery shopping. No one was really friends here, not unless they had kids, and then it was play dates, carpools, and sneaky gins at two in the afternoon. Still, they had to pretend for the newbies—Allison‟s orders. If there was one thought in Andrew‟s head at any of these neighborhood parties, it was how soon he could escape. No matter how much he drank, or how much he tried to fit in, every party was long and tedious, even with the agreement with Stephanie that, after showing willingness, he could retreat to his dark room. He was so tired of pretending to be something he wasn‟t. Andrew Matthews, model husband, father, and town photographer. Andrew looked at his watch. Half an hour, then he could leave the neighbors to their amusements and disappear back to the darkroom. Twenty-nine minutes and thirty seconds. He took a swig of his beer. Idly, he wondered how long they had been married. A month? Six weeks tops. He predicted that in nine months time there would be a little Newlywed in a stroller, or… hello! 1

Sue Brown Maybe next week, judging by the size of that stomach! Andrew found himself transfixed by Mrs. Newlywed‟s belly as she turned around. Either they had been practicing before the wedding or Andrew‟s intuition was way off. Hidden in the corner, Andrew was able to stare freely at the woman, noting her slightly swollen ankles in their strappy high-heeled sandals. He was surprised she could get them on. Despite her advanced pregnancy, she was a slender woman with delicate bone-structure. Andrew could see how attractive she was. Then for the first time he got a proper look at the man. Shit, he was young. Too young to be married and expecting a kid. He looked like a college jock on his first date, all shaggy hair and rippling muscles, with broad shoulders and narrow hips. “Don‟t they look cute? All hearts and flowers. Sooooo in lurve.” Andrew looked down at his wife. Stephanie was staring at them with something approaching dislike, her long fingers wrapped so tightly round a wineglass they showed white round the knuckles. He sighed quietly. They had never been like that. He watched the man, so young and in love, a big grin on his face as he hugged his wife close to his side. Andrew felt an emotion he hadn‟t experienced for a very long time. He was jealous, envious of the love they were showing each other, and the smiles, the goddamned fucking affection. He and Stephanie had never looked at each other like that—ever. Taking another pull on the beer, he said, “Wait ‟til the sleepless nights kick in. The hearts and flowers won‟t count for a lot then.” Andrew looked at Stephanie‟s glass. It was empty, as usual. He wondered how many glasses she had consumed. “Want another one?” He waggled his bottle at her. She nodded. “Yeah, why not. The booze is the only thing that makes this day bearable. I‟m going to find out where Colin is. Be back in a moment.” Andrew took her glass, then wandered off towards the kitchen. Allison and Jim‟s house was the same as his, all gleaming white appliances in exactly the same place. He opened the large fridge to find it stocked top to bottom with wine. Allison was well known for taking these cookouts very seriously. Taking an open bottle of white wine, he 2

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topped up Stephanie‟s glass right to the brim—otherwise she‟d only complain—and closed the fridge door to look for the beer bucket. “Is there one in there for me?” Andrew looked up as he reached into the icy water to get a bottle. Mr. Newlywed was grinning at him, a hopeful expression in his eyes. “Sure.” Andrew passed over the one he had been rooting for, then acquired a second one for himself. “Thanks.” The guy cracked it open and took a long pull, his moan of pleasure as the cool liquid hit the back of his throat almost obscene. Andrew tried hard not to stare. “God, I needed that.” He suddenly seemed to remember his manners, and wiping his hand on his jeans, he held it out. “Nathan Peterson. Just moved into number twenty-four.” Andrew refrained from his desire to laugh at him, merely shaking his hand and saying, “Andrew Matthews. My wife Stephanie and I live at number twelve.” Andrew stood over six feet, but this man dwarfed him both in height and physique; his handshake was firm but not bone crushing. Idly he wondered what he would look like in black and white, shirt off and wet. Maybe washing the car. Andrew preferred to take his photos where people were actually doing something. He realized he was holding onto his hand for too long when he caught Nathan‟s amused expression. Laughing nervously, Andrew tried to make small talk. “So, have you met everyone yet? Remembered all their names?” “Not a single one. You‟re Justin, right?” He grinned at Andrew‟s appreciative snort. “To tell you the truth, it‟s kinda overwhelming. We‟ve only been here forty-eight hours.” “I‟ll bet. Still, you‟ll soon get to know us all, and you‟ll be dragged to these events often enough. Allison and Jim love their „aren‟t we all such good neighbors‟ shindigs.” Nathan frowned, trying to remember who they were. “Small skinny blonde and older grizzled dude?” Andrew nodded. “Yeah. They run the neighborhood watch program. The rest of us just fall in line.” “Huh. Okay, I get the picture.” Nathan looked at his bottle. It was 3

Sue Brown empty. He waved it hopefully at Andrew. “Any chance of another one?” Andrew waved his hand at the bucket. “Just help yourself. You never go home sober from one of these gigs. Not if you wanna stay sane.” He watched as Nathan dug around eagerly in the bucket for another bottle. “So, expecting your first child soon?” “You noticed?” Nathan seemed to be almost bouncing in excitement at the prospect. “Gummi bear?” He pulled out a half-empty bag of candy from his pocket. Bemused, Andrew nodded and dug into the bag. Pulling out a red one, he tipped his head back and tossed it into his mouth. Nathan continued, “Alex looks like she‟s going explode any moment. I hope she doesn‟t. Explode, I mean,” he added hastily at Andrew‟s bemused look. “I guess this is your first then?” Andrew laughed outright. The dude was like a small kid himself. Nathan laughed with him, not taking the slightest offense. “Certainly is. He‟s due in four weeks‟ time.” He proffered the gummi bears again. Picking a green one, Andrew bit the limbs off it before decapitating it and swallowing the body. “Jesus, what did that bear ever do to you?” Nathan had been watching the whole process in fascination. “Didn‟t get the chance. I got him first,” Andrew said smugly, taking a drink although the bitter taste of the beer didn‟t really mix well with the candy. “Remind me not to get on your bad side,” Nathan drawled. They grinned at each other, then Andrew asked, “A Texas boy?” Nathan tipped an imaginary Stetson and said, “Yes boss. San Antone born and bred.” Andrew pretended to groan. “Oh no. A Spurs fan? I think I may never speak to you again.” He spoke in a slow deep drawl, allowing the accent he normally suppressed to become more noticeable. “Wait a moment!” Nathan‟s hazel eyes positively sparkled. “Do I hear me another escapee? Only, one from the wrong side of the tracks?” 4

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“Born in Dallas, moved to Santa Fe when I was ten,” Andrew confirmed. “Ah, a Mavs then?” At Andrew‟s nod, the younger man hummed. “Not sure we should be talkin‟, but as we‟re both momma‟s boys, shall we put aside our differences, at least until I whup your ass at Madden?” Andrew winced at the reference to his mother—Momma‟s black sheep perhaps—but kept his smile glued to his face. For once, he liked this new addition to the area. He hoped Nathan wasn‟t a hiding behind the front door type. “In your dreams, boy,” he drawled. Nathan whooped. “You are so on.” A challenging light entered his eyes. “How ‟bout we escape from here and you pretend you can try and beat me?” He lunged forward to engulf a startled Andrew in a bear hug. Arms flailing, Andrew found himself smushed up against a cotton shirt. He inhaled the scent of laundry detergent, and beneath it sweat, and something he couldn‟t define. His hands, trying to get a purchase on something solid, landed on Nathan‟s back. Fuck, this guy was packing muscle. He made Andrew look like a stick insect. “Don‟t you dare run away, Nathan Peterson.” A light, warm, female voice, trying to sound amused but with a clear thread of irritation, interrupted them. Andrew tried to disentangle himself and retain some dignity. He felt rather than heard Nathan chuckling, his chest vibrating under his cheek; then an arm slipped across his shoulders and he was turned to meet Alex. Strangely enough Nathan didn‟t let him go, just tucking him under one arm as he said, “Hey darlin‟, meet our new neighbor, Andrew. He‟s a Mav, but don‟t let that put you off.” Alex rolled her eyes. “Sorry for my husband, Andrew. He‟s an overgrown puppy with the manners to match. Put him down, Nathan,” she commanded, much as she would talk to a young dog. “Drew doesn‟t mind, do you?” And Andrew was squeezed for a second, before Nathan obediently dropped his arm and moved over to his wife, bending down to kiss her on the cheek. Andrew was torn between pointing out that if Nathan called him Drew again his balls would be in danger, and asking him to put his arm 5

Sue Brown back. Then another arm went around his waist, sharp nails digging into his skin. “So, I was waiting for you to come back with my drink, and instead I find you groping the new neighbor. Quick work, Drew.” Stephanie had followed Alex into the kitchen and witnessed the whole display. Andrew was determined not to give his wife the satisfaction of seeing him blush. “You‟re just jealous,” he answered, “because I got a hug and you didn‟t.” Alex laughed, not noticing the undercurrents of tension between their new neighbors. “He mauls everybody.” She elbowed Nathan in the ribs. “Believe me. He doesn‟t understand the concept of personal space.” Nathan held out his hands as if in surrender. “I‟m just overly friendly. Anyway, Drew and I have a date for me to take him down.” Stephanie gave a thin laugh. “Much as I know he would love for you to manhandle him, Andrew‟s promised to take his son to the park this afternoon.” A broad grin split Nathan‟s face. Did this guy ever stop laughing? “You have a son as well?” “Yeah, Colin, he‟s nine,” Andrew muttered. “Going into the fourth grade come September.” “Hey, Nathan is a fourth-grade teacher. He‟s going to be teaching at Castleton Elementary.” Alex looked at her husband with such pride. To Andrew‟s surprise, Nathan went bright red. “I‟m newly qualified. This is my first job,” he admitted. “That‟s Colin‟s school. You‟ll be teaching his class.” Stephanie surprised everyone by going to the kitchen door and yelling for her son. After a minute a thin, lanky boy came to the door. He was wearing shorts, no shirt, and was as usual, filthy dirty. Even his hated freckles, which he complained about at every opportunity, were virtually unnoticeable in the grime that covered his body. His mother steered him in the direction of Nathan. “Colin, meet your new teacher, Mr. Peterson.” 6

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“Jesus, he‟s enormous.” Colin‟s jaw dropped as he looked at Nathan. Andrew was amused to notice both teacher and pupil looked highly embarrassed as everybody laughed. Stephanie nudged Colin. “What do you say?” “Pleased to meet you, Mr. Peterson,” he said politely. His new teacher came to his rescue. “Nate, ‟til September at least.” Nathan held out his hand and Colin shook it as he had been taught. “We‟ll go back to Mister P the first day of school, okay?” Colin nodded. “Can I go now, Mom, pleeeease?” he whined, desperate to get away from his parents and, even worse, his new teacher. It was still vacation. Way, way too early to be thinking about school. “Ten minutes, then Dad is taking you to the park to play soccer.” Stephanie was firm. Andrew snuck a look at his watch, sighing inwardly. So no chance of the darkroom first. He had been so close to escaping. Colin was out of the kitchen door the second he got permission, almost knocking down Jim and Allison, who had come in search of the new neighbors. They rocked back as he sped past, then entered the kitchen, pleased to see Andrew and Stephanie making an effort with Nathan and Alex. “Hey there. How are you all doing? Has everyone got a drink? Jim, we need some more beer. Nathan is almost out.” As usual, Allison took charge as soon as she entered the kitchen. She was considerably younger than her husband, but there was no doubt who was the driving force in their relationship. Jim seemed content to let her steam ahead, and in return she gave him a well organized home and affectionate, if bossy, attention. Nathan gave them all his widest smile. Andrew was nearly blinded by the way the kitchen suddenly lit up. “I‟m fine, thank you, Allison. I won‟t have another one. I gotta walk the dogs this afternoon, and Drew here has invited me to play soccer with him and his boy.” Andrew choked on the last of his beer. As he spluttered out his 7

Sue Brown apologies, gasping for breath, an enormous hand patted him on the back. “All right there, Drew? Trying to wuss out of our game? Give me ten to get changed and pick up the dogs and we‟ll be on our way.” Andrew looked up to see Nathan giving him a barely perceptible wink. Beside him, Alex looked thunderous. Allison beamed at them all. This was just what she enjoyed most, all her neighbors getting on so well. He grinned back at Nathan. An afternoon in the darkroom hiding from the world, or an afternoon in the sunshine whupping the ass— extremely nice ass—of his new friend, at soccer? No contest. “Think you can beat me and my boy? Bring it on.”

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Chapter 2

FROM a distance, Nathan could see the concentration on Colin‟s face as he positioned the volcano. He was wearing his normal uniform of shorts and grime. His teacher had learned from one week of school that Colin spent more time in the dirt than on his feet, something he was supposed to discourage. Teacher and pupil had an unspoken agreement that they were going to ignore that directive completely. He smiled as he watched Colin work. He was so obviously Andrew‟s son, from the full mouth to the pale, freckled skin and the bright, sparking blue eyes. Colin was more confident than Andrew though, with a cocky grin that got him into and out of many scrapes. Andrew rarely came alive with the same vibrancy that Colin exuded. Andrew always made Nathan feel slightly protective, whereas with Colin, Nathan wanted to high-five him half the time and throttle him senseless the other half. Nathan had wandered over from his house, hoping Andrew was free. He‟d been desperate to escape from the women in his house, who seemed determined to take over every room with diapers, powder, pacifiers, and baby paraphernalia that Nathan hadn‟t realized even existed. His idea of coming home and celebrating that, during his first week as a teacher, he hadn‟t been eaten alive by his pupils, had disappeared with a gaggle of female relatives and friends of Alex‟s, invading his front room and kitchen. After two hours of having his butt pinched by middle-aged women who‟d had too many martinis, he‟d been desperate to leave. Trapped on the sofa, Alex had glared at him as he‟d waved goodbye, but a whispered promise of a hot bath, massage, and breakfast in bed had pacified her enough for him to escape to the neighbors. 9

Sue Brown The path to Andrew‟s house was well worn now. From the second Nathan had invited himself to the park, he and Andrew found a good friend in each other, spending as many evenings as Alex would allow trying to cheat on the games consoles, playing hoops with Colin, and generally acting like they were five years old whenever they got the chance. Even Colin wasn‟t too embarrassed about having Nathan for a neighbor, particularly one that helped him beat his dad at every game they played. The only thing he hadn‟t persuaded Andrew to do yet was come for a morning run with him and the dogs. “Hey Colin, is your dad in?” Nathan asked. Colin was in the front yard. He looked up briefly as Nathan went past. “Dad‟s in the den playing the guitar. Gary is over tomorrow.” He frowned as he stepped back from his recreation of the school experiment. “Do you think this is going to work, Mister P?” “You can call me Nathan or Nate out of school, Colin,” his teacher reminded him. “Hmm, not sure. You may need more soda than that. Or if you want to make a real mess, try Diet Coke and Mentos. I didn‟t tell you that, of course. Who‟s Gary?” It was the first he‟d heard of him. They had spent the first week of the semester building rocket launchers, exploding water bombs, and discussing how to destroy the world. It hadn‟t done much to endear Nathan to the janitor, but even Colin had admitted to his parents that Nathan was kinda cool—for a teacher. Colin bounced to his feet. “Dad‟s friend, Gary Stevens. He plays in a band. I‟ll ask Mom if she‟s got some more. See ya, Mister… Nate.” Nathan waved a lazy hand and walked round the side of the house to the door to the den, interested to hear what Andrew was playing. Technically this was the door to the basement, but the Matthews had converted it to a large room, complete with bed and sofa, where Andrew lived most of the time, Stephanie and Colin occupying the rest of the house. Their son seemed to divide his time between the two of them. To Nathan, brought up in a large happy family home, this seemed completely incomprehensible, but Andrew had refused to discuss it, and Nathan hadn‟t wanted to jeopardize their growing friendship by prying 10

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any further. As usual, the door to the den was open, and Nathan could hear the soft strains of a guitar and someone singing. He hesitated a moment before going down, knowing Andrew would stop the moment he knew Nathan was there. The twang Andrew tried so hard to suppress was more obvious when he sang, his voice richer and deeper than normal. The song came to an end and he walked down the stairs, blinking a little as his eyes adjusted to the relative dimness of the den. “Hey,” he called out. Andrew looked up from where he was sitting on the sofa, a big grin across his face as he realized it was Nathan. “Hey yourself. Survived to tell the tale then, Teach?” Nathan was ridiculously pleased that someone had noticed what a big deal this week had been for him. Naturally at home, everything was centered around the baby and, with the birth so imminent, Nathan felt guilty even mentioning school. He grinned back at Andrew. “I have not only survived, I‟ve just watched your son recreating our lesson.” “You should have been here for the water bomb yesterday,” Andrew said wryly. Nathan winced. “Oh no, was it that bad?” Andrew gave him a smirk. “Let‟s just say that if Stephanie had seen you at that moment, expanding your family might not have been an option.” “I think I‟ll stay down here then, while Colin is experimenting,” Nathan said, deciding hiding was better than helping Colin. Changing the subject, he said, “Didn‟t know you played the guitar. Colin says your friend is over here tomorrow and he‟s got a band.” Andrew nodded. “Yeah. Gary comes by here occasionally. Sometimes I join him. I sing a little, and he repays me by not puking on my carpet.” Nathan raised one eyebrow. “Nice! So am I going to get invited?” “What on earth are you doing digging up my front yard, Colin 11

Sue Brown Matthews? And the mess!” Stephanie‟s anguished tones reached them. Nathan grinned innocently as Andrew rolled his eyes. “Uh, anyway, guess so, if you want to come. Hadn‟t really thought you would be interested, to be honest. It‟s only the guys and a few beers down here.” Andrew looked a little embarrassed at not thinking of it sooner. “Why not? Beer and a chance to get away from the continual baby talk and the mad women. So do I get a beer now, or am I expected to die of thirst whilst you play me some of the tracks?” Nathan looked expectantly at his host as he sat down and stretched out his long legs. Andrew flipped him off and continued playing the guitar. “You know where the fridge is. Help yourself and you can get me one as well.” Nathan poked around in the small fridge. “You‟re out. We drank the last of it two nights ago.” “There‟s some more upstairs. I‟ll go and get it.” Andrew put the guitar down and went up the stairs to the main house. Nathan sat back down on the sofa with a contented sigh. He was really glad to be away from the women occupying his home at the moment. There was something digging in his back. He put a hand round to try and push it down, discovering it was the corner of a magazine, mostly shoved down the side of the sofa. Nathan pulled it out, the back cover full of DVDs catching his eye. He looked at them, just to see if there was anything worth buying, and his eyes widened as he realized just what sort of films they were selling. He flipped it over and stared at the cover, suddenly dry-mouthed. This type of skin mag was the last thing he‟d expected to find in Andrew‟s home. Nathan turned the pages curiously, keeping one ear out for the sound of Andrew returning. He kept leafing through the pages, even though it was the last thing he wanted to look at. A name leaped out at him, and he took a closer look at the photograph. The model was undoubtedly designed for the job, but it was their expression that caught the eye, curiously vulnerable and sensuous at the same time. The photographer had captured more than just the body in that shot. Nathan wondered cynically if the readers ever looked as far up as the 12

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face. “Yeah, I‟ll phone him later.” Andrew was obviously yelling to Stephanie as he closed the door to the basement at the top of the stairs. “Sorry ‟bout that. Gotta phone the electrician later on.” Nathan quickly stuffed the magazine back behind the sofa cushions where he had found it, concentrating on getting his reactions under control as quickly as he could. Andrew didn‟t seem to notice anything amiss as he chattered on about the problems with the electric that had plagued the house since they had moved in. Giving Nathan a beer, Andrew sat back down, picking the guitar up and placing it over his lap. “So, do you still want me to play for you? You okay, Nathan? You look a bit sick.” He looked concerned as he stared at his friend. “Um, uh, yeah.” Nathan stared at him, lost the power of coherent speech for a moment. “What the fuck?” didn‟t seem the appropriate thing to scream at a new friend he barely knew. “I don‟t have to. I won‟t be offended if you don‟t want me to. It‟s not to everyone‟s taste. Do you want to watch a film?” Andrew sounded worried. “No, no, please. I want to hear you play.” Nathan realized that his lack of reaction was unnerving Andrew. “I‟m just a little tired. I‟ll sit back and listen.” Andrew was giving him a curious look. “Okay then, but we can always stop.” Nathan leaned back against the sofa and closed his eyes, letting the music wash over him. If he was honest, he couldn‟t say he heard a note. He was too busy wondering why he hadn‟t asked Andrew what exactly he photographed in his small studio in town.

“YOU invited Gabe—here? Now?” Alex looked up from the pile of tiny vests and booties she was rearranging for the umpteenth time. They were enjoying a rare moment of peace in their house as the house guests had left, and Alex was 13

Sue Brown looking forward to the prospect of an evening to herself, not one disturbed by Gabe, Nathan‟s best buddy, still firmly intent on reliving his college days. “Yeah, d‟ya mind? It‟s just for tonight. Andrew‟s got some friends over and I thought Gabe would enjoy it.” “Gabe might, but I‟m not sure Andrew will. He‟s a nice, normal guy and Gabe—well—isn‟t.” Alex hunted around for the missing pale blue and lemon bootie that went with the one in her hand. Nathan noted idly that the sock monster had struck even before the baby was born. Nathan licked his lips, his mouth suddenly dry. Nice and normal, that was Andrew. The man who‟d been married for a decade, lived in his own basement, had a nine-year-old son and a job taking photos of naked men for gay mags. Jesus, they were neighbors with a sleaze in the porn industry. Should he tell his new wife that? “Gabe‟s a good guy, Alex. He‟s a bit of a jerk sometimes, but he‟s a good guy. At least you know where you stand with him.” Alex huffed at that. “As far away as possible, if you‟ve got any sense. Where is that damn sock?” “Here it is.” Nathan bent down and retrieved the tiny knitted object from where it had fallen under the table. “Thanks,” Alex said, gratefully. Bending over was nigh on impossible now. She tucked the two together and placed them on the growing pile of small clothes. The loud banging at the door made them both jump. “Subtle as ever,” Alex groused. “Can‟t he ring the doorbell like everybody else?” She heaved herself up and went to answer the door before Nathan had managed to make a move. “Alex! You look more like a Thanksgiving turkey every time I see you.” Nathan winced as he heard Gabe‟s less than diplomatic greeting to his wife. Fortunately, Alex just laughed and brought him into the kitchen. “I feel like a turkey at the moment, stuffed and ready to be carved.” “Nate, you overgrown freak. Come here and hug me.” Gabe threw his bag into the corner of the kitchen, hauled Nathan off his stool, 14

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and enfolded him a bear hug. “Jesus, Michaels, you‟re uglier than ever!” He heaved Gabe over one shoulder and ran outside with him. As he ran down the road, with Gabe banging his back in a vain attempt to get him to stop, Nathan spotted Andrew and Colin getting out of their SUV, parked as it was behind a lurid, bright green van. Colin tugged on Andrew‟s shirt to attract his attention. Andrew looked up to see his son‟s teacher weaving down the quiet street with a fullgrown man flailing in his arms. “Uh, Mister P, whatcha doing?” Nathan came to a halt at the end of the Matthews‟ driveway. “Hi, Colin. I‟m just saying hello to my friend, Gabe,” He swung round so that Gabe faced Colin. “Say hello to Colin, Gabe.” Gabe waved weakly at Colin. “Hi Colin.” He banged on Nathan‟s shoulder again. “Put me down, man, or I‟m gonna puke down your back.” He slid down Nathan‟s front and came to stand on his own two feet, albeit rather unsteadily. He lurched to one side to discover father and son staring at him with startlingly similar expressions. He held out his hand, hoping it was in the direction of the man; according to his head, the world was still on frappe. “Gabe Michaels. Nathan‟s best friend, college buddy, and life counselor to the good, the bad, and the feckin‟—sorry Colin—ugly.” Andrew‟s mouth twitched at the last, then he introduced himself. “Andrew Matthews, neighbor, photographer to anyone who wants me. You‟ve already been introduced to my son.” “Andrew Matthews? Why do I know that name?” He frowned as he shook Andrew‟s hand. Nathan panicked, knowing his friend had an extensive selection of porn. The last thing he needed was for Andrew to find out Nathan knew his secret. “Gotta go, Gabe. Alex‟ll be waiting.” And he started dragging him away from the Matthews. Fortunately, Gabe didn‟t resist, and he followed Nathan obediently down the road. “Hey, wait a minute,” Andrew called out after them. “Gary is already here. Why don‟t you come in and meet everyone now?” Nathan hesitated a split second too long. Time enough for him to 15

Sue Brown see the expression in Andrew‟s eyes as he realized Nathan was trying to back out of coming to his house, and time enough for Gabe to interfere. “Sounds awesome. Is there beer? There is beer, isn‟t there?” For a moment Gabe sounded worried. Andrew rolled his eyes. “There‟s a band in there. Of course I have beer. Colin, please take Gabe in to meet the boys. I just want a quick word with Nathan.” Realizing he‟d been outmaneuvered by the promise of free beer, Nathan watched as Colin led Gabe around the side of the house. He only hoped Alex hadn‟t started cooking dinner, because nothing except an earthquake was going to part Gabe from his beer once he got started. He looked up to see Andrew staring at him, an indecipherable expression on his face. “You saw the magazine.” Of everything he expected Andrew to say, that wasn‟t it. Nathan nodded, not knowing what was coming next. Andrew dropped his voice. Of course, the last thing he wanted, thought Nathan rather cynically, was the neighbors hearing this conversation. “You‟ve got a problem with a gay mag? I hadn‟t expected you to be a redneck.” “I‟m not,” Nathan protested, rather too loudly. Andrew looked around hastily, checking to see no one was listening to them. “What‟s your problem then? I realized you found it when I tidied up this afternoon. Is it that I‟m gay?” “You‟re what?” Nathan‟s jaw hit the floor. “I‟m gay. I thought you knew.” Andrew went white with shock, his freckles standing out in stark relief as he realized that this was news to Nathan. Nathan shook his head, saying, “Dude, I had no idea. It‟s not that it matters to me, honestly. You just haven‟t really talked that much about yourself. I guess I‟ve done enough talking for the both of us over these last four weeks.” He expected Andrew to look more relieved, but instead he hissed, “So what‟s your problem? One minute I‟m your new best friend and the next you‟re looking at me as if I‟m some sort of pedophile.” 16

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“It was the photo—in the magazine. Your name was in the credits. I thought you just did families and schools photos. You know, normal stuff.” “I do whatever pays the mortgage,” Andrew said shortly. “I know the one you mean. I did it as a favor to the guy. I know his mother. She didn‟t want him to get ripped off.” “For… his… mother?” Nathan said faintly. He felt about an inch high, and Andrew was looking at him as if he had crawled out from under a rock. “I‟m really sorry, Drew. I should have just asked.” Nathan put out his hand and cupped Andrew‟s elbow to stop him walking away. Andrew bit his lip for a minute, refusing to meet his eyes, then he said, “Come on. Let‟s go and get a beer before Gabe and the band drink it all. I‟ll introduce you to Gary. He‟s my Gabe.” It was only the relief that made him do it. Nathan was so pleased he hadn‟t wrecked his friendship with Andrew forever; he pulled him into a tight hug, hanging on until Andrew responded. “Thanks man. I just gotta let Alex know we‟ll be back later.” He let the other man go and ran back down the road to his house, not realizing Andrew was still staring after him, a troubled expression on his face.

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“TURN the freakin‟ alarm off.” “S‟not m‟alarm,” Andrew mumbled, trying to turn over and go back to sleep. “Singing in my ear, dude. Turn it off.” Gary thumped his pillow angrily. His pillow screeched loudly. “Ow! Fuck! Whatcha doing!” Andrew cranked open one of his eyes to discover Gary, nose-down in his groin, thumping around trying to turn off the source of the noise. “M‟ phone, m‟ pocket,” Andrew grumbled sleepily. There was an uncomfortable moment as Gary dug around in both Andrew‟s pockets, then he heard Gary saying, “Fuck off, it‟s the middle of the night,” as he answered it. Andrew groaned as he thought who might be ringing him. “Nah, it‟s Gary. I was using Andy as a pillow when his phone rang in my ear.” Andrew winced as he thought how that sounded. Please, God, let it not be his mother, even if she did know Gary. “Anyway, nine thirty is still the middle of the night when you went to bed at five a.m. Whaddya want, Nate?” Andrew tried to open both eyes when he realized whom Gary was talking to. Colin had told him Nathan wasn‟t in school yesterday, and the substitute teacher didn‟t know how to destroy the world with Lego like Mister P did. “No, really? Oh well done, dude. A little boy? That‟s fantastic. When?” There was a pause as Gary listened, then, “Hold on. I‟ll sit on the guy ‟til he wakes up.” Waving a hand at Gary, Andrew said, “M‟wake. Gimme phone.” 18

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Gary handed it over. Andrew yawned, scratching his belly absently as he greeted Nathan. “Alex‟s had the baby?” “Yeah, yesterday evening.” Nathan‟s tired tone sounded in his ear, his drawl more pronounced than usual. “The baby‟s in special care. He‟s got problems breathing. The doctors say it‟s not too serious, but they‟re keeping him in for a while.” Andrew sat up, fully awake now. “I‟m sorry, Nathan. Is Alex okay?” “Yeah. She‟s fine but really tired. It was a difficult birth. Listen man, they‟re sending me home for some sleep and food. Could you pick me up? I don‟t feel safe to drive.” “No problem. Gimme ten minutes to get changed and have a coffee. Does Alex need some extra clothes? I could send Stephanie over to get some while I get ready.” “That‟d be good. I‟ll let her know,” agreed Nathan gratefully. Andrew cut the connection and stood up, swaying slightly, as his headache from too many beers and too little sleep kicked in. Gary was now sitting up, hunting round for his boots. “You fit to drive?” At Andrew‟s nod he said, “Off you go and rescue that boy. Ah, got one.” He extracted one boot from under a table. “Andy?” “Yeah?” Andrew paused at the bottom of the stairs leading to the house. “Be careful.” There was no humor in his expression now. Andrew looked at him, a little puzzled. “Course I‟ll drive carefully.” “That‟s not what I mean.” Gary rubbed his hand over his face. He was obviously uncomfortable, and Andrew had a sinking feeling that he knew what Gary wanted to say. “Too tired for games, dude.” Andrew shrugged his jacket on. “Nathan‟s a good looking kid, but he‟s married and now he‟s got a new baby,” said Gary, hoping his friend wouldn‟t take offense. Andrew sighed a little. “Don‟t worry. He‟s so straight it hurts. I‟m 19

Sue Brown not about to try and change him.” He frowned as he looked back at Gary. “Do you really think I‟d be low enough to try and seduce him?” Gary looked at him steadily. “I was more worried that you‟d fall in love with him and get hurt. It wouldn‟t be the first time.” “Are you ever going to let me forget Matt?” Gary stood up and put his arms around the other man. “Not if it stops you making the same mistake again.” He gave him a quick hug. “Just don‟t get too involved, huh?” Andrew returned the hug, aware that he was clinging and wondering whether Gary‟s warning wasn‟t a bit late. Once she had heard the good news, Stephanie had willingly gone over to the Petersons‟ house, and quickly packed a small bag for Alex with comfortable day clothes and some more nightwear. She topped the packing off with a gift from her and Andrew and a card produced by Colin. Handing the bag over to her husband, she made him promise to send Alex her love. Driving swiftly to the hospital, Andrew was glad the early morning traffic had cleared, with most people already at work. He knew the way to the maternity ward, and within a short time, was buzzing at the security entrance. “Yes? Can I help you?” The disembodied voice was crisply efficient. “S‟me, Janice. Andrew.” “Andrew. Hi, babe. Didn‟t realize you were due here today.” The voice suddenly sounded a lot more friendly, and the buzzer sounded, unlocking the door to the unit. He walked through to the nurse‟s station. As usual for this time in the morning, the ward was noisy. Staff were bustling around trying to get the new mothers washed and dressed, and a few newborns squalled noisily in the side rooms. The staff greeted him as he walked through, and he returned their greetings, knowing most of them by name. Janice was at the nurse‟s station and smiled at him as he approached. “Morning Andrew. Wasn‟t expecting to see you here this morning. How‟s Stephanie?” 20

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Andrew gave her a swift hug, saying, “She‟s fine. I‟m not here on business today. Just came to pick up Nathan Peterson.” “Ah yes. Good thing too. The poor man‟s virtually dead on his feet, and there‟s a lot of him to get damaged if he falls over.” She gestured for him to follow her down the hallway. Andrew smiled at the image of a poleaxed Texan. “I wouldn‟t stand in the way if he does, Janice. You might be the one who gets hurt. How is their baby?” “Baby Daniel‟s doing just fine,” she said, professionally bland. He gave her the look. “Don‟t give me that look, Andrew. You know I‟m not going to say anything I shouldn‟t.” Janice had been a nurse too long to be unprofessional, even to a friend such as Andrew. “I know, but he‟s okay, isn‟t he?” he pressed. “Talk to Nathan. Here he is.” Andrew looked up to see his friend coming down the corridor, looking completely exhausted, shadows under his eyes and his shoulders slouching. He hadn‟t seen Nathan since Sunday morning, after their all night session with Gary and the band. On Stephanie‟s instruction, he‟d thrown Nathan and Gabe out just before lunch, pointing out that Alex was waiting with food for them both. If he remembered rightly, Nathan was still wearing the same shirt, now crumpled and grubby. “Hey, Nathan, how are you?” He kept his voice calm and even. Nathan looked up, relieved to see Andrew waiting for him. “Thanks for coming. I know I could have caught a cab. Hope it didn‟t cause any problems with Gary?” Andrew waved his hand dismissively. “No problem at all. He had to be on his way anyhow.” He picked up the bag that Stephanie had packed. “Do you want to give this to Alex before we go?” Nodding, Nathan said, “Yeah. Hold on a moment whilst I say goodbye. She‟s not really up to visitors at the moment.” “You give her our love. We‟ll see her another time.” Andrew 21

Sue Brown watched as Nathan went into one of the side rooms. Watching the ebb and flow of ward life, he was waiting patiently when Lauren, one of the older nurses, came out of the small kitchen. “Andrew! Lovely to see you. Are you here on business?” She came up and gave him a hug. “Not today. I‟m here to pick up Nathan Peterson. No one has booked me this week.” “Booked you?” He hadn‟t seen Nathan emerge from Alex‟s room and arrive by his side. Lauren smiled and ruffled Andrew‟s hair, making him feel about five years old. “This boy‟s our favorite photographer. He takes a lot of the newborn and family photos. Most of the parents use him.” Nathan looked a little confused. “I thought you just had your studio. You start ‟em young.” Stung a little and still sore over their last exchange regarding Andrew‟s profession, Andrew snapped, “Worried about me corrupting kids, Nathan? Don‟t be, I only take photos where I‟m asked.” Then he felt bad as Nathan looked hurt and shocked at his vehement response. “No, no. I didn‟t mean it like that, man. I just meant—” He was interrupted by Lauren frowning, not understanding the significance of the bitter exchange, saying to Nathan, “This sweet man? Corrupting kids? Sweet Jesus—hardly. I just meant that he does all the really important photos. Proms, weddings, baptisms. Folks feel safe with him. He even looks after the ones where….” She didn‟t finish as Nathan raised his hands as if in surrender. “I‟m sure they do, Lauren. I wouldn‟t imply any different, Drew.” Andrew exhaled sharply. “I‟m sorry, too. You must be exhausted. Didn‟t mean to pick a fight. Come on, let‟s get you home. Lauren, will you ring if there‟s a problem? Otherwise I‟m taking him home for food and sleep.” Lauren nodded, saying, “Surely will,” and they left the unit, Nathan blinking as the chill morning air and bright sunlight hit him. He followed Andrew to the SUV, collapsing on the front seat gratefully when the door was opened. 22

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He rested his head against the car window, saying nothing as Andrew negotiated his way out of the hospital parking lot and back onto the highway. Nathan was so quiet that Andrew thought he had fallen asleep and was shocked when he suddenly said, “I didn‟t mean you were a danger to kids. You know I‟d never think that.” “But you did. You thought I was exploiting young boys,” Andrew said quietly, turning onto the freeway. “I never said that,” Nathan protested. “You didn‟t have to. Your reaction was obvious.” Andrew knew he was betraying how hurt he felt. Nathan turned to look at him. “Well, what did you expect me to think? You‟re my neighbor, you‟ve got a kid, and your name‟s in a porn mag.” “I expected you to be more open than that. But I should have known. You‟re a good Texas boy, after all.” It was hard to keep the bitterness from bleeding through. “What‟s that supposed to mean?” Nathan sat up straighter, anger obvious through the tiredness in his voice. Andrew turned towards their neighborhood and huffed slightly. “Nate, let‟s not fight now, huh? I haven‟t even asked you ‟bout the baby. You said he was struggling to breathe a bit?” “Yeah, he‟s huge compared to all the other babies, but the birth took so long and he….” There was a sound like a suppressed sob, and his voice trailed off. Andrew looked over to see Nathan sitting with his face turned away; his shoulders were shaking. Andrew laid a hand briefly on his arm, then drove the last few minutes to their street, giving him time to recover. As he pulled into his driveway, Nathan sat up and looked over, running a hand over his face to try and hide the last trace of tears. He looked embarrassed as he said, “Sorry ‟bout that. Guess I‟m just tired.” Andrew shook his head. “Nothing to be sorry for. Believe me, I understand better than you know. We‟ll talk more later. Go home and get a shower and some sleep. Come over for dinner when you feel 23

Sue Brown ready. Stephanie or I can make you some food when you‟re hungry.” Nathan looked over at his house. He opened the car door, and then turned back to Andrew. “Don‟t wanna go back to the house while they‟re not there. It feels wrong.” He hesitated a minute, then Andrew offered, “Do you want to sleep on my bed for a while? I can putter ‟round in the darkroom while you‟re sleeping. I have some work to do anyhow.” Nodding gratefully, Nathan got out of the car. He followed Andrew into the basement, then stood by the bed, looking a little unsure. The bed was made. Neither Andrew nor Gary had made it that far last night. “Here.” Andrew threw some old sweats and a T-shirt at him. “I‟ll let Stephanie know we‟re back. Go to bed, Nate, before you fall down and break something.” “Thanks, man.” Nathan subsided onto the bed. He toed his sneakers off and sat holding Andrew‟s clothes, as if he wasn‟t sure he had the strength to get changed. Andrew said softly, “Sleep, Nate. I‟ll keep in touch with the hospital. I promise to wake you if anything changes.” And he walked up the stairs to the house, leaving the younger man in peace. Nathan slept most of the day, comatose on the bed as Andrew worked around him. The older man didn‟t completely understand why he hadn‟t wanted to go home, but it didn‟t matter, really. The light was fading when he eventually shook Nathan awake, with an offering of freshly brewed coffee. Rubbing sleep from his eyes, his hair muzzy and in his face, Nathan sat up, accepting the coffee with a muttered thanks and, “Wassa time?” “It‟s nearly seven o‟clock.” At the look of panic in Nathan‟s eyes, he said soothingly, “The baby is fine. We‟ve phoned the hospital three times. He‟s been sleeping peacefully. Alex‟s fine as well. Stephanie is with her now. She says there is a horde of very odd women who keep asking when they are going to see you again. She asked us to let you sleep, and you aren‟t to return until you‟ve eaten a proper meal. For some reason she doesn‟t want you passing out and squashing the baby. 24

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By the way, Alex wants you to shower as well. She says you stink.” At Nathan‟s indignant splutter, he grinned. “Her words, not mine. She‟s right though. You‟re ripe, dude.” He threw Nathan a huge towel. “Go and get washed up. I‟ll have a steak waiting for you when you‟re out of the shower.” Nathan‟s stomach rumbled appreciatively, even if his face was still outraged. Andrew laughed and pulled him off the bed. “Off you go, little boy, and get cleaned up. I‟ll be checking behind your ears when you come out, so be sure to clean there.” “Like you could reach,” scoffed Nathan, stretching up high before moving off obediently towards the shower. Andrew swallowed hard. The T-shirt Nathan was wearing was one of his, and consequently a little short on the bigger man. The faded material hitched up as Nathan stretched, exposing a line of flat muscle, flanked by sharp hipbones. Andrew thanked God that Nathan had his back to him before he could see the naked lust that must surely have been written all over his face. He wasn‟t going to do this again. He had promised Gary. Nathan was off-limits. Married, baby, straight. Right.

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Sue Brown Chapter 4

TWELVE weeks ago, he became a father. Twelve weeks ago, he became a father, and this tiny bundle sleeping in the crook of his arm turned his life upside down. He stroked the baby‟s face gently, smiled as Daniel screwed up his face. He stayed fast asleep, snuggled into the warmth of his father. Nathan couldn‟t quite believe sometimes that this little life was in his hands. When he and Alex had become parents, it was as if everything he had ever wanted was rendered unimportant compared to this little person who needed him. From the first struggling breath, baby Daniel had captured his heart. Three months on, Nathan was still entranced with his son. He wasn‟t so entranced with sleepless nights, the disgustingly vile diapers, and the constant, unceasing advice, from the mailman to the clerk behind the counter at the local store. Was there anyone in the world who didn‟t need to give them the benefit of their experience? If it hadn‟t been for Gabe, whose opinion of parenthood ranked alongside his opinion of Bush, and Andrew and Stephanie, whose only piece of advice had been, “Do what you think is right and fuck everybody else,” Nathan thought there was a good chance he would have gone mad in the early stages. Instead they had listened to their new friends, ignored everybody else, and both he and Alex had explored the ups and downs of new parenthood with their son as their guide. Nathan looked over at the photo of his new family, taken a couple of days after Daniel‟s birth, by Andrew of course. It was an excellent photo of the three Petersons, given as a gift by Stephanie. Nathan had been uncomfortable with the idea after his run-in with Andrew, but it had been presented as a fait 26

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accompli by the two girls, and Nathan had to admit, it was right. Andrew‟s artistry shone through even in such a prosaic photo as theirs. Nathan traced the outline of Daniel‟s face with his fingertip. It had been a simple photo such as theirs that had made him finally realize that Andrew understood about family. He had been sitting alone in their kitchen, dozing quietly over a mug of milky coffee, when he had spotted a framed photo, tucked at the back of their dresser, barely visible amongst the detritus of everyday living. No one else was in the kitchen: Andrew hadn‟t got up yet and Stephanie and Colin were otherwise occupied, so he went and pulled it out, blowing the dust off the surface. It was of a tiny baby in an incubator, wires and tubes attached to it, almost alien looking in its appearance. “That was me.” Nathan jumped guiltily as Colin spoke behind him. He hadn‟t heard the boy enter the kitchen, so intent had he been on the young baby in the photo. “I was perma… prema… born early, so I needed all those tubes to keep me alive. Dad took the photo just in case I died.” The bald simplicity of the statement made him realize why Andrew had understood how scared he was when Daniel was struggling for breath. “How long were you in hospital for?” he asked, marveling that the tiny scrap in the photo had changed into this healthy, vibrant boy in front of him. “It was four months before we could take him home, and another year before we stopped wondering if he would live,” Stephanie told him, smiling as she wrapped her arms affectionately around her son. She had come into the kitchen behind her son and caught their conversation. Nathan stared down at the picture. “You must think I‟m pretty silly worrying about Daniel, after your experience.” He wished Andrew had said something about it when he was in the SUV. She came up to him and squeezed his arm. “He‟s your baby, and neither of us thinks you are silly for one minute.” She reached over to her handbag, sitting on the table, and dug out 27

Sue Brown a photo. It was Daniel, taken whilst he was still in the incubator. He didn‟t look as alien as Colin, but he still looked very vulnerable. Nathan looked down at him and tears welled in his eyes. Stephanie slid an arm around him and hugged him to her. “Alex asked Andrew to take it while they were still in hospital, just so she could remember how little he was. You should give it to her.” “I bought a camera to take all these photos, and I haven‟t taken one,” Nathan choked out, the photograph shaking in his hand. She gave a swift hug. “That‟s what friends are for, hon. Now, go and kick my lazy husband out of bed, and get him to drive you to the hospital. He‟s got two appointments there today.”

“WHAT were you expecting?” Gary asked him, glancing over the rim of his beer bottle. “It‟s a gay club. He‟s hardly going to hide in a corner.” Nathan watched Andrew dancing, wrapped around an older man. “I‟m not sure exactly. I guess every time I look, there‟s another side to Andrew Matthews. It‟s confusing.” There he was at some gay club with Andrew and Gary, his first night out since the baby was born, and Andrew was on the dance floor almost as soon as they got through the doors. Nathan hadn‟t seen him at all. He ended up trying to make small talk with Gary over more and more beers, wondering why Andrew had bothered to invite him at all. Gary‟s eyes were sharp as he watched Nathan. “What does it matter? You‟ve only known him four months.” “He‟s my neighbor, and a parent of one of the kids I teach,” Nathan protested. “Not a friend, then?” There was a hard edge to Gary‟s voice. Nathan looked at Gary, then at Andrew, who seemed happier and more relaxed than Nathan had seen him for weeks. “Course he‟s my friend. Just he‟s a new friend, and every time I think I know him, I find out something else about him.” 28

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“So he‟s gay, so what? Oh, wait, I forgot, you‟re a good Texas boy,” Gary said sarcastically. Nathan frowned. “What is it with this Texas crap? You and Andrew have both said it. You calling me homophobic because I come from Texas? Andrew‟s a Texan too. So are you, come to that.” “Yeah, and look what happened to him.” Gary tipped his bottle up, dismissing Nathan‟s complaints. Nathan banged his fist on the table. All the bottles jumped but fortunately nothing fell over. The barman looked over to see if there was a problem, but at Gary‟s shake of the head went back to taking orders. “I don‟t know what happened to him because he hasn‟t told me, and I don‟t care if he‟s gay or straight.” At Gary‟s disbelieving look he insisted, “I don‟t care. Gabe is bi. I‟ve… well….” He stopped, hoping Gary hadn‟t noticed. Fat chance. Gary took a swig of his beer. “You‟ve… well?” “We‟ve fooled around together,” Nathan muttered, picking at the label on his bottle. It was a long time ago, a drunken blowjob after a party, and Nathan didn‟t really think about it a lot. He‟d enjoyed it, what he could remember of it, but hadn‟t had a desire to repeat the experience, and Gabe had never mentioned it again. Gabe was a lot more adventurous than he was, his sexual exploits covering pretty much everything Nathan had ever heard about and a fair amount he hadn‟t even wanted to think about. He looked up to see Gary staring at him, his mouth twisted slightly as if he wasn‟t sure whether to be amused or not. “Yeah, I can see you‟ve been round the block,” Gary drawled. “It‟s up to Andrew to tell you ‟bout his past, but he‟s a good man, Nathan. One of the best. He‟s done right by Stephanie and Colin, and just occasionally he gets a night out where he doesn‟t have to pretend to be something he‟s not.” Gary turned so he was facing Nathan head on. If truth be told, Nathan was a little intimidated by this man. He was obviously fiercely protective of Andrew, and so far didn‟t seem to like Nathan all that much.

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Sue Brown “Andy likes you a lot, but your reaction to that magazine worried him. He‟s got a lot of secrets that aren‟t common knowledge to the crowd round your way, and if they get out, well, life wouldn‟t be so good for him.” “More secrets?” Nathan asked wryly. Gary waved his bottle at the bartender, who nodded and reached down for a couple of fresh beers. “I reckon he‟s told you quite a lot of them. Now what are you going to do about them? Told your pretty wife about him yet?” Nathan shook his head. He saw Andrew had stopped dancing with the older man and was now deep in conversation with someone else. Nathan was surprised he could hear anything above the level of the music. “No, I haven‟t. Anyways, we‟ve been rather occupied with the baby. Not that she‟d care any more than I do.” Gary smiled at the bartender who had brought their beers over to the table, plus an extra one, presumably for Andrew. “Thanks, Rick.” He waved one of the bottles at Andrew, who left his companion and joined them for the first time that night. Andrew slumped down in the chair next to Nathan, reaching for the beer eagerly. He was covered in a fine sheen of sweat, and Nathan could see his shirt clinging damply to him. “God, I need this,” he said, drinking deeply. “Drink up, Droopy. You‟re several beers behind me and Nate.” Gary grinned, revealing even, white, shark-like teeth. Andrew raised his eyebrows at Gary‟s statement. “You been playing nicely, Gary?” “He‟s still alive, isn‟t he?” Gary replied. “Only just,” muttered Nathan, but Andrew heard him, shooting him an amused glance. He draped a lazy arm around Nathan‟s shoulders and squeezed lightly. “Don‟t you worry about Gary. He‟s a teddy bear, really.” Gary glared at them both. “With fangs, and don‟t you forget it.” Nathan damped down his immediate urge to hide behind Andrew, instead seeking refuge in his beer. Andrew was still holding onto him, 30

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leaning in slightly as he tipped his beer bottle back and drank. Nathan could feel the heat coming off him in waves. He was startled when Andrew suddenly jumped to his feet, hauling Nathan with him. “Come on, let‟s dance.” Nathan shook his head. “Uh, no thanks. I‟m a crap dancer. Two very large left feet.” He went to sit back down, but Andrew held onto his arm, a big smirk across his face. “You know what they say about men with big feet? Alex must be a very lucky girl.” And he dragged Nathan into the crowd, ignoring all his protests. Nathan looked over his shoulder at Gary, begging for his help. The other man just smiled and shooed him onwards, but Nathan couldn‟t miss the worried look in his eyes. Heck knows how many dances later, and Nathan was dead on his feet. The beers, combined with sleepless nights and an exhausting job, had turned him into a lightweight, he reflected ruefully. He could hear Gabe‟s mocking laughter now. Nathan Peterson giving up before midnight? When he stumbled into someone for the fourth time in as many steps, he knew it was time to give in. Andrew had disappeared after the end of the last dance, pointing in the direction of the bathroom. He would have gone too, but he had been trapped by a group of very young straight girls, using the club as their starting point for a night out. They had crowded around him, writhing and groping. He had felt like an antelope in a crowd of hyenas. Andrew, the traitorous bastard, had retreated in the face of female solidarity, leaving him to their tender mercies. In the end though, exhaustion won out. Thankfully waving goodbye to the girls, he stumbled off in search of Andrew. A quick look over to their table revealed Gary tonguing a long-haired dude, but no sign of his neighbor. Nathan headed for the bathroom, deciding that, whether he found Andrew or not, he would head home. Alex was at her aunt‟s with the baby, but the dogs would need an early morning walk and Nathan desperately needed some beauty sleep. The bathroom was empty, much to his relief, and he enjoyed a much-needed piss. He was just finishing when the door of the stall 31

Sue Brown behind him burst open. Nathan turned in shock to discover a man splayed against one of the walls, his hands digging into the short hair of another, younger man on his knees in front of him. The guy standing up had his eyes half closed as he moaned softly, and didn‟t seemed to have noticed that he had an audience. Like a moth to a flame, Nathan‟s eyes were irresistibly drawn to the sight of the flushed cock sliding wetly in and out of the other man‟s swollen mouth, his lips shiny and slick with spit. The man on the floor shifted around, his eyes flickering up to the open door. For a moment he seemed unfazed by it, then Nathan saw the exact moment that lust and excitement turned to panic, as Andrew realized who was watching him. The man suddenly yelled, and thrust hard into Andrew‟s mouth. Distracted by the sight of Nathan staring at him, Andrew gagged and choked as spunk filled his mouth. Nathan looked down at himself, discovering he was standing with his dick still hanging out. Quickly he tucked himself away and backed out of the bathroom before Andrew could make a move. He really, really didn‟t want to talk to Andrew now.

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Chapter 5

Ten days before New Year

NATHAN was planning lessons, taking the time while Daniel slept and Alex took a hot bath, when there was a quiet knock at the door. Cursing softly, he opened it to discover Andrew, raising his hand to knock again and looking as if he wanted to flee. “Uh, may I… may I come in?” Andrew stuttered. “Sure.” Nathan stepped back, letting Andrew into the house. Nathan hadn‟t seen Andrew since the night out to the club. He had left immediately, not bothering to talk to either Andrew or Gary. The image of Andrew on his knees, the expression of lust on his face as he sucked the cock of a complete stranger in some dingy bathroom stall, was etched into his memory. The whole scene and the sordidness of the act had repulsed him. He tried to tell himself that it wasn‟t important, but he knew he was lying. “Peace offering.” The older man held out the six-pack he had brought with him. “Thanks.” Nathan didn‟t take the beer immediately, waiting to see what Andrew wanted first. Biting his lip, Andrew put the beer down on the hall table. “We need to talk, Nathan.” Nathan‟s cheek twitched, but he said nothing, leaning back against the front door and folding his arms. Despite the lack of encouragement, Andrew continued, “I want to explain about the other night. I didn‟t mean for you to see….” His 33

Sue Brown voice trailed off. “You blowing some guy you‟ve never met in some filthy restroom?” hissed Nathan, not wanting Alex to hear. Andrew sighed. “That, among other things. Gary pointed out it was unfair of me to expect you to understand when I hadn‟t told you anything ‟bout my past.” “Ya think?” Nathan drawled sarcastically. Andrew licked his dry lips. Nathan noticed just how full and plump they were. Course, he‟d noticed that when they were wrapped around that guy‟s dick. “Are you going to let me explain?” Andrew wasn‟t pleading, but there was something in his voice that begged Nathan to understand. Nathan shook his head. “No, I don‟t think so. I don‟t think I really want to know your sordid details.” He opened the front door and handed Andrew his beer. “Bye, Andrew.” Andrew took the six-pack and left without saying a word. Nathan shut the door with a snap and leaned against it, his eyes closed against the hurt he had seen in Andrew‟s eyes. “Did that make you feel better?” Startled, Nathan opened his eyes to see his wife, wrapped in a robe and a towel around her hair, coming down the stairs. “I‟m sorry?” “It‟s not me you should be apologizing to. That was plain nasty, Nathan Peterson, and not like you at all,” she said fiercely. He looked at her, completely confused. “You don‟t understand—” “I understand just fine. You caught him giving someone a blowjob and now you‟re treating him like he‟s some sort of leper. I never expected you to be a homophobic prick.” Alex looked furious. Nathan just stared at her, open-mouthed. “You know about that?” Shrugging, she said, “‟Course I know. Stephanie told me. I‟ve been waiting for you to talk to me. Jesus, hasn‟t he got enough to deal with without a so-called friend being a complete asshole?” “Hey, I‟m getting kinda sick of being the bad guy here,” Nathan 34

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snapped. “We barely know the man and you‟re defending him.” Alex looked unrepentant. “I know he welcomed us to the area and became our friend. I know he looked after us when the baby was born, and I know he and Steph have stuck together for ten years because of their parents. So what if he lets off steam now and then? He doesn‟t do it in front of Colin or Steph. Grow up, Nathan.” She brushed past him into the kitchen. “You‟d be stupid to lose a friend just because you don‟t approve of everything he does. You don‟t have a problem with Gabe, and he‟s an über-slut.” Nathan followed Alex into the kitchen. “Andrew‟s the one acting like a dick.” Alex poured herself an orange juice and then looked at Nathan over the glass. “I think you‟ll find that‟s you. Could you sound more like a five-year-old? Go and talk to him. Get whatever it is out of your system, because I‟m telling you this—I‟m not stopping seeing Stephanie just because you can‟t get past the fact he likes cock rather than pussy.” Nathan stomped back to his planning. He hadn‟t honestly expected Alex to take such a liberal attitude to Andrew‟s behavior. He hadn‟t expected Andrew to discuss it with his wife, let alone for her to talk to Alex. Nathan found himself more confused than ever about Andrew and Stephanie‟s relationship. Shit, why couldn‟t the Walton family be their neighbors? It would have been much more straightforward.

Nine days before New Year “MORNING, Colin. Is your dad around?” The young boy was aiming the ball at the hoop without much luck. He seemed less bouncy than normal. Colin looked up at his teacher. Nathan noticed his normal cocky smile was missing. “Hi, Mister P. Nah, he‟s gone to pick up Pops and Momma from the airport.” 35

Sue Brown “Pops and Momma?” Nathan queried. “Pops and Momma Matthews. Dad‟s parents. They‟re staying for Christmas and New Year.” Colin slammed the ball at the hoop, missing again. The ball bounced over to Nathan. He picked it up and aimed it absently at the hoop, watching as it went through perfectly. “You don‟t seem too happy. Is anything wrong?” Colin hesitated. He was talking to his teacher and a friend of his parents. In the end he said, “Pops is fun and Momma bakes good cookies.” Nathan looked at the downcast face of the youngster. “But? Listen Colin, I promise I won‟t say anything to your mom and dad.” “Dad gets cross a lot when Momma is here. She doesn‟t like him sleeping in the basement. He‟s been really cranky the last few days.” Colin sounded like the world was ending. Nathan threw the ball at the boy, not wanting to pursue that line of conversation. “Ah, okay. I promise not to say anything. I‟m just gonna take the dogs for a run. Want to join me?” Colin brightened up immediately. “Cool. I‟ll just go and ask Mom.” He ran inside, calling to his mother. She obviously agreed because he was back in a few moments, wearing a thick jacket and boots. They collected Nathan‟s Springer spaniels and spent an hour chasing Tyler, Ruby, and Mollie around the park. By the time they finished the walk, both of them were bright red from the cold and the exertion. Colin‟s mood had lifted considerably, and he was busy telling Nathan all about a trip to the movies when they arrived back at their houses. Andrew‟s SUV was parked in the driveway. They reached the bottom of the driveway. Colin looked over at the car and said, “They‟re back. Do you want to come in and say hi, Mister P?” Nathan shook his head. “Not today. You need to say hello to your grandparents. I‟ll talk to your dad later.” “Cool.” Colin knelt down and gave the dogs one last hug, 36

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receiving sloppy licks in return, and ran up the driveway. Andrew opened the front door at his knock. Nathan thought the man looked tired, his skin pale, dark marks etched beneath his eyes. Andrew saw Nathan and the dogs waiting on the sidewalk, and ushered Colin into the house, pointedly ignoring Nathan. Not knowing what to do for the best, Nathan walked quickly back to his own home. He didn‟t see the figure watching him from behind the long window beside the door.

Eight days before New Year

THEY were standing outside Andrew‟s house again. Nathan realized it was kind of a focal point, discussing the New Year‟s Party that all the neighbors attended. Allison and Jim were trying to persuade a reluctant Nathan and Alex to attend. Rather, Allison was talking and Jim was listening. Nathan wasn‟t sure if Jim ever got a chance to talk. Alex wasn‟t convinced she would be able to stay awake long enough to see the New Year in. Nathan was naturally reluctant to see Andrew. Allison and Jim were wearing matching homemade Christmas sweaters, blue with white snowflakes and reindeer. Petite, blond-haired Allison somehow managed to look cute and fluffy in hers. As for Jim…. Nathan decided not to think how Allison had managed to persuade her grizzled, middle-aged husband into something so wrong. “You must come, guys. All the folks round here are welcome.” Allison obviously didn‟t understand the word no. “Nathan‟s parents are going to be with us for New Year‟s, Allison. I don‟t think it would be fair to leave them behind to watch the baby,” Alex said. Nathan groaned inwardly, knowing what was coming next. Allison fluttered her hands in protest. “Why honey, bring them too. The more the merrier. No, no excuses. You come to the party and we‟ll look after the baby and your lovely parents.” 37

Sue Brown The young parents looked at each other and gave up the struggle. They could make an appearance and then sneak back home. “Alright, we‟ll see you then,” Alex agreed. “Awesome!” chirped Allison. “By the way, it‟s at Stephanie and Andrew‟s house this year. I‟m sure you‟ll be pleased to know that, seeing as you‟re such good friends an‟ all.”

Christmas Day “GET in the car, Colin, and don‟t put your fingers all over the windows. You‟ll leave greasy marks.” Nathan was returning from walking the dogs when he saw a strange woman standing next to Andrew‟s SUV. She was dressed in a soft, flowing lilac suit and hat. A formally dressed man—a safe guess it was her husband—climbed into the passenger seat. Colin was in a smart shirt and long trousers and wearing a very sulky expression. Someone had obviously made an effort to control his hair, as it looked as if it had been gelled into place. Nathan smiled. He had never seen the boy looking that neat or that clean, and Nathan could only guess at the trauma required to keep him that way. The woman looked back at the house. “Hurry up, you two, or we‟ll be late! You could make an effort. It‟s only once a year,” she snapped impatiently. Stephanie emerged, looking flustered. “Sorry, Momma. Just checking the turkey was cooking. Oh, hi, Nathan. Merry Christmas.” “Hey, Mister P! Merry Christmas,” a cheerful voice interjected. Nathan turned to see Colin poking his head out of the car window. “Merry Christmas, Colin. Where are you off to?” “Church.” Colin made a face. “Momma makes us go every year.” His grandmother sighed. “Once a year, Colin. Is it too much to ask? Nick, go and find Andrew. I ask you, what is keeping that boy?” Nathan just grinned, and wishing them all farewell, he twitched 38

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the dogs‟ leashes and encouraged them forward. Just as he reached his own driveway, he looked back. Andrew was following his father down the paved driveway. He was dressed in a similar fashion to his father, making him look older than his twenty-six years, and wearing glasses that emphasized the maturity. As he opened the driver‟s door, Andrew caught sight of Nathan. Bright color stained his cheekbones, but this time he nodded slightly. Nathan nodded back. After all, it was Christmas. Peace and goodwill to all men and all that crap.

Six days before New Year

NATHAN was dozing quietly on the sofa, Daniel sprawled over his chest, snuffling quietly in his sleep, when the doorbell went, startling him awake. “I‟ll get it!” Alex yelled, running down the stairs. She opened the door to find Stephanie and an older couple on the doorstep. Stephanie was smiling at her apologetically. “Hey, Alex, can we come and see the baby? Pops and Momma have heard so much about little Daniel from Colin.” “Course you can. Come on in.” She ushered them into the living room where Nathan was sleepily rubbing his eyes. “Nathan, Andrew‟s parents have come over to see the baby.” Alex‟s voice warned him to be polite. Curving an arm protectively around Daniel, Nathan sat up. Stephanie came over and kissed his cheek, holding her arms out for the baby. He stood up, handing Daniel to Stephanie. Protesting at the move, the baby whimpered, then curled into her, seeking out his thumb and snuggling back down to sleep. Stephanie introduced him to Nick and Ruth. Nathan shook hands with them both and then invited them to sit down, apologizing for his sleepiness when they turned up. “Daniel slept badly last night, so I took 39

Sue Brown him to give Alex some sleep. I guess it‟s caught up with me today.” Ruth smiled at him. “That‟s alright, honey. Nice to see a young man taking care of his wife so well,” she said, gently stroking the baby‟s hand. “I only wish my Nick had been so helpful. May I hold the baby?” At Alex‟s nod, she lifted the baby out of Stephanie‟s arms. She was so busy concentrating on the baby that she missed her husband rolling his eyes at Stephanie. “Of course,” Ruth continued, “Andrew was very good with Colin. He was always looking after him, wasn‟t he, Stephanie?” She looked over at Nathan. “He looked after Colin while Stephanie went out to work after he was born.” She frowned at her daughter-in-law, who blatantly ignored the look. “It seems so odd to me to have the mother working and the father changing the diapers. Not right somehow.” Stephanie‟s lips pressed together tightly, but she said nothing. Nathan realized this was an old argument. Alex slipped her arm around her husband‟s waist. “Nathan earns more I ever did, now that he‟s a qualified teacher. It made no sense for me to go to work, at least while the baby is so young.” Ruth nodded. “That‟s just the way it ought to be, dear. Women are so much better at looking after babies than men,” she pronounced. Nathan thought there were at least two people, if not three, in the room who disagreed with her. However, it was obviously not the done thing to disagree with Momma Matthews publicly, judging by the way Nick and Stephanie kept their heads down. Nick did stir himself to say, “Andrew and Stephanie made a very good job bringing up Colin, my dear.” “I know that, Nick, but I still think that after all the trouble we went to, it would have been only right for Stephanie to bring up the baby,” she snapped. Stephanie looked apologetically at Nathan and Alex. “I‟m sorry, guys, you don‟t need to be hearing old family arguments, particularly after a bad night.” Alex grinned at her sympathetically. “That‟s fine.” It wasn‟t fine for Nathan, and he had a hard time controlling his 40

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expression, resisting the urge to rip his baby out of Ruth‟s arms before she contaminated them all with her outdated views. No wonder Gary and Andrew had a cynical view of Texas boys. He wished Andrew could meet his own mom, a lovely, cheery woman who firmly believed men should contribute to the rearing of their own children. He reached over and took Daniel from Ruth, ignoring her squawk of protest. He tucked Daniel into the crook of his arm, and politely but firmly said, “It‟s time for us to feed and bathe the baby.” Taking the hint, Stephanie started to shepherd Ruth and Nick out of the room. “Thank you for letting us see the little one. Are you coming to our house for New Year?” Alex glanced at Nathan before nodding. “I think so, if we can bring Nathan‟s parents.” Stephanie gave her a hug. “No problem. Be glad to see you there. Uh… Nathan?” Nathan looked over. “Yes?” She walked over to where he was and said quietly so Ruth and Nick couldn‟t hear, “Go and see Andrew before you come over for the party. You owe him that.” Caught between the two women, he had no choice, so he nodded. Nathan just hoped it wasn‟t too late to make amends.

Five days before New Year

NATHAN knocked gently at the basement door of Andrew‟s house. He didn‟t want to go to the main door in case Momma Matthews decided to inflict more of her philosophy on child rearing on him. The SUV was in the driveway, so he knew Andrew was home. He waited for a couple of minutes and then knocked again. This time he heard sounds inside the room and a, “Hold on. I‟m coming.” The door was flung open. Looking a little flustered, as if he had just been disturbed by the knock, Andrew smiled at his visitor until he 41

Sue Brown realized who was standing on his doorstep. “What do you want?” he snapped, face set in tense, unyielding lines. He didn‟t move from the doorway. Nathan held up the six-pack of beer in his hand. “To say sorry for being a total dickwad, and hope that we can be friends again.” “No, I don‟t think we can, Nathan. I don‟t think I can be always wondering if something else is going to bother you. I‟m sorry you saw me blowing that guy, but that‟s all it was.” He looked at Nathan sadly. “Thanks for the apology, anyway. Goodbye.” The door shut in Nathan‟s face, and he was left standing alone in the cold.

The morning of the fourth day before New Year “WE‟RE here. Now where is that grandson of mine? Why isn‟t he in my arms now?” Nathan‟s mother was like a summer breeze, blowing through the house. She came in with hugs for Alex, an especially tight cuddle for her youngest son, and for her newest grandchild, a kiss on the forehead and a cuddle that lasted until his Gramps demanded his turn. Reluctantly, Teresa relinquished her charge, on the understanding that Daniel would be returned to her very shortly. Alex rolled her eyes at Nathan, but she adored Teresa and John Peterson, and he knew it was just an act. Following the death of her parents, she had felt acutely alone in the world. Nathan‟s family hadn‟t replaced hers, but they had made her so welcome in their ranks it eased a little of the loneliness. For his part, Nathan felt he could relax and smile again for the first time in weeks. His mom was here, and nothing was too much for her to deal with. After the initial excitement died down, Nathan took them on a tour of the house and the neighborhood. Allison and Jim were out in 42

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their front yard, washing their car. Nathan noted the Christmas sweaters had changed to a red Santa-and-elves version. They came over as soon as they saw Nathan with his parents and introduced themselves. Colin was playing hoops with his father and Pops. He waved a cheery hello to his teacher, and Nick nodded a good afternoon at them all. Nathan waved back, explaining who he was to Teresa and John. “Are you having problems with his parents, Nathan?” asked Teresa. Nathan looked down at her. “Why do you say that?” Teresa gave her son her best “Who do you think you‟re talking to, young man?” look. “Because that extremely nice-looking man is doing his best to avoid catching your eye.” “It‟s a long story, Mom.” Nathan squirmed under her scrutiny. Teresa took hold of his arm. “Then let‟s go back to the house and you can tell me all about it.” Nathan frowned at her suspiciously. “Has Alex been talking to you? It‟s trivial, really.” “She may have said one or two things recently.” Teresa looked unrepentant as she steered Nathan back to his house. “Of course, the fact that he‟s glaring daggers at your back won‟t bother you then.” Nathan stopped and looked over his shoulder, catching Andrew‟s murderous expression before he realized he‟d been caught and looked away quickly. “Quite. Shall we have that talk?” Teresa gave a satisfied nod. “Don‟t you think Nathan‟s old enough to sort out his own problems, Teresa?” queried John. “Nonsense, he‟ll never be old enough to deal with his problems. I‟m his mother, Jonny. It‟s my place to interfere.”

December 29, three a.m.

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Sue Brown “WHAFCKWA?” “Gabe, z‟at you, dude?” Nathan was curled up on the kitchen rocking chair, whispering as quietly as he could. Daniel had finished his nighttime feed and was slowly falling asleep on his lap. “N, Nate? Wha timezit? Fuck, it‟s three a.m. Whaddya want? You okay? S‟not Daniel is it?” Gabe‟s incoherent babble came to an end as he paused for breath. Nathan grinned. “We‟re all okay. I just needed to talk to you.” “In the middle of the fuckin‟ night?” Nathan heard a muffled whispering, then, “No, it‟s fine babe, go back to sleep. Just my asshole of a best friend waking me up. He‟s got a rugrat.” “Sorry. Didn‟t think you might have company,” apologized Nathan. Gabe yawned noisily down the phone. “Wassa matter? Must be important if you‟re phoning out of office hours.” Nathan hesitated. Now he wasn‟t sure what to say. “Nate?” Gabe started to sound a little annoyed. “It‟s Andrew.” “The neighbor? What about him?” “He‟s not talking to me. I caught him blowing some guy at a gay club, and then I ignored him, and now he won‟t let me apologize, and Alex thinks I‟m a dick, and my mom says that it‟s cuz of you know who, an‟ I don‟t know what to do, an‟ I really want to make it up.” Nathan stopped, realizing that he was sounding like a five-year-old again. “Jesus.” There was a pause. “You‟ve been freaked out ‟bout this guy since you met him.” It wasn‟t a question. “Yeah.” Nathan sighed. Trust Gabe to get it. “Why?”

NATHAN was wondering if the New Year would ever arrive so they 44

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could get back to some sort of routine. Between the baby‟s routine of nighttime feeds and so many women in the house all the time, petting and cooing at the little boy, he had to escape. He wasn‟t sleeping too well. He was either listening for Daniel before his cries disturbed the rest of the household or trying to ignore other things that had started to gnaw at his thoughts. Pushing everything from his mind, Nathan slipped from Alex‟s side, reluctantly leaving the warmth of their bed for the bathroom. He dressed quietly, pressed a light finger to his sleeping son‟s mouth, and went downstairs. The dogs bounced up happily to see him as he entered the darkened kitchen. Nathan opened the back door so they could do their business out in the yard, wincing a little as he sucked in a lungful of freezing cold air. Whistling quietly, he snapped on their leashes and set off for the park. A long run should clear his mind and give him some peace. It was still dark when he reached the park, but the paths were well lit. He knew the area well enough to avoid the icy patches, and after stretching well to warm up, he started to run, slowly at first, then setting a good pace. The dogs happily kept up beside him as they ran, veering off every now and then to sniff at a bush or say hello to the few dogs around. There weren‟t many people around at that time in the morning, and most of those Nathan knew as early birds like himself. He nodded at a few people as he went past, but mainly he concentrated on keeping his mind blank, just feeling the strain of exercise on his body and enjoying being by himself. Nathan puffed slightly as he went up an incline. He pushed himself harder, thinking ruefully that his training had been on the back burner since Daniel‟s arrival in his life. As he reached the top of the hill, he lost his footing on a patch of ice. He flailed about trying to get his balance, then slammed to the ground together with whatever he hit. Landing on the icy ground, Nathan discovered he was sprawled half-on and half-off a man who was swearing loudly underneath him. “Jesus, I‟m sorry, man. Are you alright?” Nathan rolled off the man, wincing as he knocked his ankle. “I‟m not sure. I‟m not used to being knocked out by a fucking 45

Sue Brown Yeti. What the fuck did you think you were doing?” the other man bitched, still lying face down on the path. The dogs ran up to see what was happening and poked their noses enthusiastically in the stranger‟s face. “Tyler, Ruby, back!” Nathan tried to keep the dogs from licking the poor guy, and then he noticed the stiff posture of the man. “Hey, sorry ‟bout that. My dogs can get a bit carried away. Don‟t you like dogs? Here let me help you up.” The man rolled over, his face showing for the first time. “No, thanks,” Andrew said, “I can manage.” He got to his feet, wincing as he did so, leaving a shocked Nathan on the ground. “Andrew, I‟m so sorry. I didn‟t mean to….” Andrew brushed himself down, looking at his grazed hands. In the growing light, Nathan could see a cut had started to ooze blood down his cheek. He turned his back on Nathan as he looked around. Nathan realized there was a tripod and camera standing on one side, fortunately unaffected by their fall. It was really cold on the ground, the chill penetrating through Nathan‟s bones for the first time. Nathan tried to get to his feet, falling back as a sharp pain shot though his twisted ankle. Biting back a cry, he tried again, this time attracting the attention of Andrew. “What‟s the matter?” Andrew sounded less grumpy, his voice reflecting his concern. “My ankle. It hurts,” Nathan gasped, as he managed to get to his hands and knees. “Stay there. Let‟s take a look at it before you get up.” Andrew was by his side and easing him back to the ground. “Wait a minute.” He went over to the equipment near the camera and brought out a cushion. “Here, sit on this.” Nathan managed to wriggle onto the cushion without knocking his ankle too much. Andrew knelt down in front of him, reaching out for his foot. Before he touched it, he looked at Nathan. “Okay if I take a look?” 46

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Nathan nodded, biting his lip, as even the smallest movement was starting to hurt like a bitch. Andrew gently but thoroughly examined his ankle. “I don‟t think you‟ve broken it, Nate, but you‟re going to need to get it strapped up.” Andrew‟s voice was softer now. “But the dogs… Alex,” Nathan protested. Andrew squeezed his arm. “S‟no problem. Let me deal with the dogs. I‟ll let Alex know, and I‟ll drive her to the ER.” The pain from the ankle was dominating Nathan‟s thinking, but he knew that Andrew had dialed 911 and was talking to the operator. He started to shiver from the cold and shock. Andrew pulled out a blanket and wrapped it around Nathan, then sat down next to him to try and keep him warm. Tyler and Ruby had realized something was wrong with their dad and were sitting on the other side of him, while Mollie, indifferent to his plight, wandered off to the side to investigate a molehill. A few people stopped to ask if they could help, some of them recognizing either man. Andrew assured them Nathan was all right, and they went on their way. Nathan ended up leaning against Andrew as the older man slid an arm around him to keep him supported. Concentrating on trying not to bawl like a baby from the pain, Nathan had said very little. Suddenly a thought occurred to him and he said, “Andrew?” “Huh? You okay like this?” Andrew fussed with the blanket briefly. “M‟fine. Listen, Drew….” He stopped, not really knowing what to say. Andrew stopped breathing. At least that‟s what it seemed like. The small puffs of breath in the cold air ceased. Nathan turned his head to see Andrew staring fixedly at the ground in front of him, the cut on his cheek dried to a dark crust. “I‟m sorry, really I am. I was a total jerk to you, over and over again.” There was a long pause. Andrew said nothing, and didn‟t start breathing either. “Drew, say something, anything, please? Breathe? Do 47

Sue Brown something dammit.” Andrew exhaled noisily. “One day you‟re going to have to tell me why.” Nathan shivered, and Andrew pulled him closer. “I will,” Nathan promised. He was deciding whether he should continue or just give into the pain when he saw the EMTs approaching. Within a few minutes he was strapped up and loaded into the back of the ambulance. Andrew was patiently waiting outside with the dogs, now on their leashes. “I‟ll take the dogs back and bring Alex over to the hospital,” he called as the doors shut. Nathan shut his eyes as they drove away, the pain in his ankle vying with the knowledge that Andrew wanted an explanation that Nathan wasn‟t sure he was ready to give.

New Year’s Eve afternoon, Andrew’s basement “HEY, good to see you. Wasn‟t sure you‟d get my message.” Andrew restrained the urge to leap into Gary‟s arms. Andrew had opened the door to an impatient knock. Gary was standing on his doorstep, guitar in hand, and looking like he needed five days sleep. Andrew peered round him to see if anyone else was there. “No one else with you?” Gary draped a lazy arm around Andrew. “Nah, they‟re all at some gig. Thought you might need some support, as your Momma‟s here.” “You have no idea.” Andrew led Gary into the room and kicked the door shut behind him. As soon as the outside world was hidden, he pulled the shorter man in for a hug and a kiss. Gary snaked his fingers through Andrew‟s hair, using his free hand to tug on Andrew‟s ass, pulling them closer together. The kiss was demanding and passionate, tasting of cigarette 48

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smoke, pot, and strong coffee, comfortably familiar. Andrew leaned into the embrace, feeling secure and happy for the first time in days. He tangled his fingers in Gary‟s belt loops, pulling the man in even tighter. Gary frowned and pulled back from the kiss. “What‟s happened, Drew? You‟re hanging on for dear life.” Andrew stepped back, out of Gary‟s arms. He ran his hands through his hair, making it stand up all over the place. “Nothing‟s happened.” At Gary‟s snort of disbelief he amended, “Well, something happened, but it wasn‟t important.” “Yeah right. Come on, tell your Uncle Gary. Who‟s upset my boy?” Gary sounded like he was crooning at a baby. Andrew laughed. “That makes you sound like a pervert.” “I only perv after cute young things with nice asses.” Gary leered, waggling his eyebrows at Andrew, ignoring Andrew‟s “Ugh” of disgust. Andrew flipped him the finger but didn‟t stop Gary pulling him back for a hug. “Gonna stop avoiding the subject and tell me?” Andrew rested his head on Gary‟s shoulder. “The night we were all at the club, Nathan caught me blowing a guy in the bathroom. He ran off and wouldn‟t talk to me afterwards. S‟been difficult ever since.” Swearing under his breath, Gary hugged his friend. “What the fuck did you expect?” “A bit of fucking understanding. Is that too much to ask? There‟s always something else with him, but he can‟t or won‟t tell me.” Andrew let his frustration boil to the surface. “Forget ‟bout it, Andrew. He‟s not worth bothering about. You don‟t need the hassle.” Gary dismissed the problem of the neighbor. “Now, have we got time for a little fun before the party?” “Meaning you want me to fuck you before my Momma comes down here and catches us?” Andrew smirked. Gary shook his head. “Nope. Meaning I wanna fuck you hard and fast in the shower before your Momma comes down here and catches her little boy being very, very naughty.” Andrew laughed and dragged Gary off towards the shower. Gary 49

Sue Brown was just about the best fuckbuddy he could ever have. After the shower, Andrew was in his jeans, the top two buttons undone, as he hunted around for a shirt to wear for the party. Gary was sprawled out on his bed, wearing only sweats. They were talking about the gig Gary was at the previous night when, without knocking, Ruth opened the door from the house and came down the stairs. “Stephanie wants to know if you‟ll go and get some more beer, Andrew. She‟s worried… oh… Gary. Hello. I didn‟t realize you were here. Really, you boys shouldn‟t lie about half-naked. Someone could get the wrong idea.” She pursed her lips together as she surveyed the scene. “We‟re just getting ready for the party, Momma. Gary needed a shower after the long drive.” Andrew gave his mother a hug, trying to placate her. He caught Gary rolling his eyes and scowled at him over Ruth‟s head. He thanked God she hadn‟t come down fifteen minutes previously, when they had both been in the shower enjoying a slow and leisurely fuck, despite Gary‟s earlier promise. A closed bathroom door had never been a barrier to his mom. “Well, get dressed, both of you. It‟s nearly seven and you need to help Stephanie and Allison.” Her voice was sharp and nagging. Gary hauled himself off the large bed and squeezed Ruth in a hug. “Happy New Year, Ruth.” She wriggled a little disapprovingly, but in the end hugged Gary back. No matter how hard she tried, Ruth found it difficult to remain angry at Gary for very long. He had been one of Andrew‟s friends for a very long time.

USUALLY these neighborhood parties were pretty much hell. After the first time they attended one, Andrew had extracted an agreement from Stephanie that he could escape to his darkroom after making nice with the neighbors. She‟d been drunk enough to agree. And there was only one thing worse than attending these get-togethers. It was actually hosting them. Andrew wasn‟t sure why Allison even bothered rotating the venue. The whole thing was organized by her from start to finish, 50

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including the menu, the type of beer, and the guest list. The host family was allowed a certain number of additional guests, at Allison‟s discretion. “After all, hon, this is a party for our street rather than for any old riff-raff,” she had cooed at him once when he had dared to query the Master Plan. Now he had learned to say nothing and just do as he was told. Who was he to contradict the woman with a checklist? Nathan‟s presence over the last few months had alleviated some of the boredom. They would stay for as long as was polite and then escape with Colin on the pretext of walking Nathan‟s dogs. Even the tension between them didn‟t matter when they were all playing soccer at the park, all the dogs doing their best to steal the ball. In fact, more and more of the men in the street had started to ask if they could be excused to join the street soccer game. Allison could hardly argue; it was a community event after all. The New Year‟s Party was one of the biggest events in the social calendar, however, and there was no way anyone would be excused to go off and play. As Andrew and Gary were driving out to purchase more beer, Gary asked, “Is Joe gonna be here?” “Course he is,” Andrew replied, slowing at a stop sign. “Does your mom know?” Gary‟s voice was exasperated and amused at the same time. Andrew looked over at him. “‟Bout him and Stephanie? Nah, hardly. She would explode.” Gary sighed impatiently. “When are you two gonna face up to your mom? Jeez, Andrew, it‟s been ten years now. Colin is old enough to cope, and more to the point, you two aren‟t kids anymore.” “I know, I know, it‟s just….” Andrew‟s voice trailed away. Gary knew the reasons why he and Stephanie were together as well as he did. “Yeah?” Seemed tonight wasn‟t the night for Gary to back away. Andrew took a deep breath. “What would we do for money? I can‟t support two houses and she can‟t either.” “Always said you could live with me,” Gary pointed out. “But Colin….” Andrew trailed out the next tired excuse. 51

Sue Brown “Some point soon, Drew, you gotta face reality. You‟re a gay man trapped in a marriage. You either face up to being gay or you stay trapped, but sooner or later you‟ve gotta choose. Before the choice is made for you.” Gary‟s tone was brusque but kind now. Andrew worried over that. Surely Gary wasn‟t going to do something stupid like out him to all the neighbors. “Meaning?” “Meaning that blowing that guy in front of your next door neighbor, a neighbor with issues, was fucking stupid, and what‟s with you two? You barely know each other and you‟re both acting like fiveyear-olds,” snapped Gary. “Am not.” Andrew could feel himself pouting. Maybe Gary was right. “Point! Christ, anyone would think you‟ve got the hots for that jerk. You haven‟t, have you?” Gary was like a dog with a fucking bone. “No!” Andrew knew he‟d lost the argument, but he wasn‟t going to admit to any attraction. “Not very convincing, Droopy.” Gary settled back into his seat. Andrew shook his head as he turned his full attention back to the traffic. “Don‟t call me that.”

New Year’s Eve, approaching nine p.m.

THE Petersons and their guest, Gabe, left their house to make the short journey to number twelve for the party. Nathan was walking slowly on crutches. Despite Alex‟s protests, he was determined to go to the New Year‟s Eve party. He owed Andrew that. Stephanie had assured him that he could find a quiet corner to sit down for the evening. Nathan swallowed hard as he accidentally put some weight on his ankle. It was going to be a long evening. Andrew watched as Nathan leaned wearily up against the wall. He was perched on a stool, saying the effort of getting up and down from the sofa every time was too much. The Petersons had arrived a 52

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couple of hours ago, and now the party was in full swing, everyone enjoying the food and drink laid on by Andrew and Stephanie. Everyone except Nathan. There were lines of pain around his eyes and mouth, and he winced every time he moved. Nathan looked up and caught Andrew watching him. He made a visible effort to smile. Andrew walked over to him and laid a hand on his shoulder. “You wanna go home?” Nathan hesitated, not wanting to appear rude, then he nodded. “Yeah. My leg hurts like fuck. I don‟t want to drag Alex away, though. She doesn‟t get out very often. Not sure where Mom and Dad are at the moment. They were talking about going to Jim‟s for some quiet time before midnight.” “I‟ll go and look for them. Okay if I walk you home?” Andrew hesitated to ask. At his nod, he squeezed Nathan‟s shoulder gently and went off to look for Alex. She was in the kitchen chatting with Stephanie and Joe. Unlike her husband, Alex was having a brilliant party. Since the baby had been born, she rarely got the chance to let her hair down. Now Alex was making the most of it, thanks to Teresa‟s offer to babysit and Stephanie‟s generous drink measures. Andrew smiled as Alex giggled at something Stephanie was saying. She was swaying gently, and Andrew reckoned she was well on the way to being completely plastered. She looked up as Andrew approached. “Hey hon, this is a great party.” Yep, she was trashed. “Nathan needs to go home. He wants you to stay though, so I‟ll walk him back.” Andrew smiled back at her. “Need any help? Nathan‟s a big guy,” Joe asked. Andrew shook his head. “S‟okay. I thought I‟d ask Gabe. Where is he by the way?” He was surprised as the three of them looked faintly embarrassed. “Uh… Gabe and Gary, they, uh…” Stephanie stuttered. “They‟re making out in your bedroom.” Alex giggled, a little too loudly. She giggled again and hiccupped as she reached for her drink. 53

Sue Brown It would have been comical if anyone had seen Andrew, Stephanie, and Joe simultaneously look around for anyone who might be listening. Fortunately, none of the neighbors or parents were in the kitchen. Allison was holding court in the living room, and the oldies had disappeared to Jim‟s to escape the noise for a while. “Guess I‟ve lost my bed for the night,” sighed Andrew. “S‟okay, hon. You take Gabe‟s bed. He won‟t be home,” Alex pointed out. Andrew nodded. “Thanks Alex. I might just do that.” He looked up at his wife‟s lover. “If I need your help, I‟ll yell. Depends how withit Nathan is.” “No worries.” Andrew went back into the living room. Allison was in a heated debate with Michael and his wife about the state of the economy. Nathan was attempting to listen, but his eyes were closing more than they were open. “Come on big guy. Let‟s get you home.” Andrew spoke softly. Nathan dragged his eyes open. “Alex?” “She‟s fine. Hammered, but fine.” Andrew tried to maneuver around Nathan without jarring his foot. Nathan smiled and huffed slightly. “She doesn‟t get much chance for that these days.” “I know. Now let‟s get you up.” Andrew waited for Nathan to make the initial attempt, then he slid his arms underneath Nathan‟s arms and around his back and braced himself as Nathan got off the stool. “Shit.” The expletive was drawn out as Nathan attempted to stand upright, leaning heavily on Andrew. After a minute or two, Nathan got his balance. Andrew released his hold and looked up at the younger man. Beads of sweat had broken out across Nathan‟s brow and upper lip, and his eyes were bright with unshed tears. “I‟ve got you,” Andrew said soothingly, tightening his grip on Nathan‟s arms. “I won‟t let you go.” Without thinking about it, one hand came up and stroked Nathan‟s face. For a brief moment Nathan 54

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leaned into the touch, then the realization of what they were doing hit them. Andrew dropped his hand but didn‟t let go of Nathan. He leaned over to pick up the crutches tucked behind the stool, and handed them to Nathan. He waited until Nathan was ready, then—placing one hand in the small of Nathan‟s back—he walked him to the door. Nathan leaned heavily on the crutches as he made his way slowly and painfully. “Fuck! I never thought a sprain would hurt so much,” he gasped. Andrew rubbed his back. “I‟m so sorry you fell over me like that, Nate.” “So am I,” agreed Nathan. “But it wasn‟t your fault. Where‟s my baby?” “Daniel‟s with your mom and mine, at Allison‟s. They thought it was quieter than here,” Andrew explained. Nathan stopped suddenly. Andrew saw the color drain out of his face. “You gonna puke?” “No. Yes. Maybe. Not here.” Nathan took a deep breath and some of the color returned. “Get me out of here, please, before I make a total idiot of myself,” he begged. Allison stopped talking for a minute to give Nathan a kiss goodbye, and the others wished him a Happy New Year. Andrew noticed her speculative look as they left the room. They stopped in the foyer to get Nathan‟s coat. By this time Nathan was holding himself together with a visible effort and didn‟t complain when Andrew helped him put it on. Alex came out to give Nathan a hug, closely followed by Stephanie and Joe. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled his face down for a kiss. The movement obviously pained him, and Andrew was hard put not to growl at Alex for hurting her husband. Nathan pulled away, smiling down at his little wife. “Enjoy yourself, Lexi. Have a New Year‟s drink on me. Don‟t rush back.” She swayed gently, but Andrew could see the concern in her eyes as she caressed his face. The gesture was almost identical to the one Andrew had made a few minutes before, and the same thought must 55

Sue Brown have occurred to Nathan, because his eyes flickered to Andrew. “Don‟t worry about Daniel. Your mom‟s got him in her room tonight,” Alex told him, her eyes soft. Nathan nodded. Colin came out from the kids‟ room to give his dad a hug before they left. Both of them breathed a sigh of relief as they left the noise behind. “Thank fuck for that.” Andrew spoke for them both as they went down the path. Nathan sighed loudly. “I used to love parties. Now I just want to get back to cuddling Daniel or walking the dogs. Even beating your ass at hoops.” Andrew snorted as he processed that remark. “Should I count myself lucky you put me higher up the food chain than parties?” “Oh, now if you mean Allison‟s parties, maybe I‟ll have to rethink.” Nathan pretended to think. “Bitch!” “Y‟know it!” They grinned at each other contentedly, then Nathan stumbled, jarring his bad leg. “Fuck!” Andrew was at his side instantly, an arm going around him to give Nathan something to lean on. The tears that had threatened earlier spilled onto his cheeks as the pain became too overwhelming. “Hey, careful there.” Andrew didn‟t know whether to pretend he‟d seen the tears or not. In the end he hunted for a tissue, wiped away the tears, and said, “Blow,” as he held the tissue against Nathan‟s nose. Obediently Nathan blew, choking a little as he giggled and tried to hold back a sob at the same time. He recovered enough to mutter his thanks and they continued to Nathan‟s house. Three very excited dogs greeted their arrival. Andrew decided the easiest thing to do was to shut them in the kitchen with food as a bribe. Although Nathan grumbled about spoiling them, he didn‟t stop Andrew‟s plan. Once Andrew had got the dogs safely shut away and Nathan inside the house, he looked at the stairs. “Can‟t see you making it up there,” he remarked as he helped Nathan remove his coat. 56

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“I‟ll sleep on the sofa-bed in the study,” Nathan agreed wearily. Andrew looked in the study. The bed was already made up and there was a T-shirt and pajama pants on the duvet. Nathan crutched his way to the bed and sat down with relief. “I‟ll leave you to get changed. Would you like a drink?” Andrew offered, feeling a little uncomfortable now. “Uh, just some water, thanks. Need to take my meds.” Nathan started taking off his shirt. Hastily Andrew went to leave the room, but not before he caught a glimpse of bare skin and a flash of a dark nipple. He turned away before his face could betray him. When he returned, Nathan didn‟t seem to have got much further. His shirt was undone but that was it. Shoulders hunched over, he sat on the sofa-bed looking thoroughly miserable. He raised his head as Andrew walked in. “Think I might give up on changing. Too much like hard work.” “Too painful?” Andrew queried. Nathan nodded, the lines around his mouth etched even deeper. “Here, take the pills.” He offered the younger man the tablets and a glass of water. He noticed Nathan‟s hand shaking slightly as he obediently swallowed the medication. Andrew waited a few minutes, then he took the glass from Nathan‟s hand. “Come on, I‟ll help you change. You‟ll feel better.” Nathan didn‟t argue, so Andrew slid the shirt down Nathan‟s shoulders, noting the play of muscles under the tanned skin. He was itching to photograph Nathan, but he didn‟t think he would appreciate the offer of a nude shoot. When Nathan had got the shirt over his head, Andrew said, “Lie back and we‟ll get your pants off.” He flushed when Nathan‟s eyes locked with his. “I, I mean….” he stuttered. “M‟know,” Nathan muttered as he undid his belt. Carefully, Andrew slid the loose-fitting pants down Nathan‟s long legs, trying his hardest not to jar his ankle. Nathan said nothing, but his eyes were tightly closed, and Andrew could see his hands curling into 57

Sue Brown fists occasionally. Andrew did his best to ignore what was covered by tight black boxers. “Do you want to leave the sweats?” “Yeah.” Nathan sat up, breath hitching slightly. “I need a piss.” “Should have gone earlier,” Andrew scolded gently. Nathan grinned weakly. “I didn‟t need to go then, Dad.” Andrew frowned at him. “Want me to, uh, get a bottle or something?” “Hell no!” Nathan fumbled to the edge of the sofa-bed and stood up, Andrew‟s arm around him as he got his balance. “Think the pain meds must be kicking in,” he mumbled. “Come on. Before you fall down and break the other ankle,” Andrew urged, handing him his crutches. Andrew guided Nathan to the bathroom and back, a process that seemed to get slower as the medication took effect. By the time they reached the bed again, Nathan was breaking out in a sweat, and he‟d gone very pale. Andrew grabbed a trashcan, placing it prudently within reach. Nathan fell into bed with a sigh of relief and lay back with his eyes closed. Andrew tucked him in, then checked to make sure Nathan‟s medication, the trashcan, and, despite Nathan‟s protests, a bottle, were in handy reach. “M‟not a fuckin‟ invalid,” Nathan grumbled. “Yes, you are. Shut up!” Andrew told him firmly, clucking at the tongue poked out at him. “Didn‟t your momma bring you up right?” “If she‟s not here to see it, then m‟alright. Why? You gonna tell her?” Nathan cracked one eye open. “I‟m no snitch,” Andrew informed him snippily. “Now shut up and go to sleep.” “Yes, Drew.” Andrew saw the lines of pain were smoothing out as the pain eased. He whispered a goodnight, then turned to leave. He took a look at his watch. It was twenty to twelve. If he hurried he could rejoin the 58

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party in time to celebrate the New Year. He tried to ignore the voice in his head tempting him to lie down next to Nathan. “Drew?” Nathan‟s voice was barely above a whisper. “Yeah?” Andrew looked over his shoulder. Nathan was staring at him sleepily. “Want to talk to you. Need to talk to you.” The drugs made Nathan slur his words slightly. Andrew shook his head. “It can wait, Nate, ‟til you feel better.” “Now. Sit down here.” Nathan patted the bed next to him. Jesus Christ, was this whole evening designed as some sort of punishment? Thou shalt not lust after thy gorgeous neighbor. We’ll just tempt you with their body and make you sit within drooling distance at every opportunity. Andrew bit his lip. Grow a pair, Matthews. You can do this. “Sit!” Nathan sounded like he was talking to one of the dogs. Andrew sat. “Here.” Nathan shifted a pillow over to him. What have I done to deserve this torture, Lord? “Make yourself comfortable.” Andrew propped himself up against the headboard, making sure he didn‟t knock Nathan‟s leg. The other man was lying with his eyes closed, but Andrew could tell he wasn‟t asleep by the faint frown between his brows. “I have a sister. Her name‟s Amy. She‟s four years younger than me.” Andrew jumped and opened his eyes. He had waited so long for Nathan to speak he must have dozed off. He looked at Nathan guiltily, but the other man still had his own eyes shut and didn‟t seem to have noticed Andrew‟s lapse. “I didn‟t know that,” Andrew said hastily. “You‟ve told me about Bob, but not about Amy. She didn‟t want to come for New Year?” “Don‟t know where she is. She disappeared a couple of years ago.” The sadness in Nathan‟s voice was heartbreaking. Swallowing hard, Andrew knew he didn‟t want to hear the story 59

Sue Brown that was following. “I‟m sorry, Nate. That must be tough on your family.” “Yeah, it is. What‟s worse is why she vanished.” Nathan‟s tone was harsher now. “You don‟t have to talk about it, if you don‟t want to,” soothed Andrew. Nathan shook his head, carefully, slowly. “I think I do, Drew. You need to hear this if we‟re ever goin‟ to get past this crap.” Deep breath, Matthews. “Okay. So what happened?” “Amy was about fourteen, and tall, really tall. Quite pretty as well. I‟d just gone to college; Bob was at med school. It was just Amy and Mom and Dad. Guess maybe she got a bit bored. Then someone told her she‟d be good enough to model, and that was exciting. So she didn‟t tell anyone, but she went and got some pictures taken.” Nathan stopped to breathe deeply. “Nathan….” Andrew had a sudden realization of where this might be heading. Nathan‟s voice became anguished. “But the photographer, he wasn‟t, he didn‟t…. He wasn’t like you.” Andrew rubbed Nathan‟s arm soothingly. “It‟s okay. I get the idea.” “He told her she‟d never make it unless she stripped, so she did. Then he….” Nathan trailed off. “She didn‟t tell anyone, not even her friends. We found out when one of her so-called friends started showing the skin mag in school.” “So when you saw the mag….” Andrew knew he had to hear the rest of the story now. Nathan spoke angrily. “Yeah. That wasn‟t the worst though. She, uh, she started working in clubs. Lied about her age.” “As a waitress?” “No.” Nathan‟s voice was bleak. “Ah fuck, Nate. Why‟d she do it?” Andrew rubbed his hand over his eyes, feeling older than his years. 60

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“She made money. She needed money. Enough to feed her habit. My sister, the junkie. The photographer… he became her boyfriend. Got her hooked on smack.” Andrew didn‟t know what to say. Nathan opened his eyes and looked directly at Andrew. “Last I saw of her, she was blowing some guy in a bathroom stall. I‟d come to look for her.” “Fuck. No wonder you hated me.” Nathan‟s eyes fluttered shut again. “Didn‟t hate you. Just couldn‟t handle it. One minute you were a married man, the next…. Sorry I was such a prick. Everyone kept telling me you were a decent guy.” “I wish you‟d told me sooner, but I understand now.” Andrew couldn‟t resist smoothing his hand over the covers, over Nathan‟s arm. Suddenly they could hear muted cheering from outside. Nathan snuggled into the duvet. “Gonna sleep now,” he murmured. “Happy New Year, Drew.” Andrew smiled at his friend affectionately. “Happy New Year, Nathan. Sleep well.” He bent down and gave his friend a kiss on the cheek, then got up off the bed. He had just reached the door when Nathan spoke again. “Saw you with that man. Hated it.” Nathan‟s voice was bleary now. “I know, Nate. I‟m so sorry.” Andrew sighed. Andrew looked at Nathan. He could only see Nathan‟s hair sticking out from the covers. “Wished it was me. Hated myself. Hated you.” Andrew paused before he responded. “Me too,” he said, very quietly. There was no reply except a little sigh.

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“HURRY up, Dad! What are you doing in there? Mister P‟s been packed and ready for ages.” Colin rushed to the top of the basement stairs and yelled down. They could hear Andrew swear loudly in response. “Mister P tells us off when we cuss,” he was informed, rather self-importantly. Perfect Mister P’s gonna get his balls chopped off if I have to listen to this all weekend. “I heard that!” Perfect Mister P shouted down the stairs, grinning at Colin. “Shit!” Nathan sniggered as he heard Andrew swear again, realizing he‟d inadvertently spoken out loud. “Hmmm, we need to think of a punishment, Colin, for every time your dad says a swear word this weekend. Now what shall it be?” “Awesome! Um, we could make him do the cooking?” Colin‟s ideas of punishment lacked a little imagination. “Have you ever tasted Nate‟s food?” Andrew said as he came up the stairs. “Of course I‟m going to cook.” “That‟s true, Colin. I may be an awesome teacher, but my skills are sadly lacking in the culinary department.” Nathan put his hand on his heart in mock sincerity. At Colin‟s look of incomprehension, Andrew said, “It means he can‟t cook.” He sighed theatrically. “What is your teacher teaching you if you don‟t understand things like that?” 62

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Colin knew the answer to that one. “This week we blew up the classroom, and had to call out the fire service.” Nathan groaned. Andrew turned to him, eyebrow raised. “Should I ask?” “Best not. A little experiment got out of hand. I‟m not very popular with Principal Skinner at the moment.” “I‟ll bet!” Andrew grinned at the thought of the principal‟s reaction. Stephanie wandered out of the kitchen holding a large coffee mug. Andrew‟s eyes brightened. “Is that for me?” She smiled as he made grabby hands at the mug. “It wasn‟t, but if it‟s the quickest way to get you out of the house, be my guest,” she said, handing it over with a resigned roll of her eyes. Nathan watched as Andrew inhaled the coffee. “You really should think about cutting down the caffeine,” he observed. “What was that?” he asked as Andrew mumbled into his cup. “I hope you weren‟t swearing again.” Andrew flipped him off as he went back down the stairs. He emerged a few minutes later with a large backpack and several other bags. “We‟re only going for one night, Drew. You don‟t need a dinner jacket for the forest. The squirrels don‟t care,” Nathan observed. “Ha, ha!” Andrew said sourly. “They‟re camera bags. You‟re not dragging me off into the ass-end of Hell without some form of entertainment.” Nathan gave him a wicked grin. “Anyone would think you‟re not looking forward to this trip.” “Ya think?” Andrew dumped the bags down with a grateful sigh. “Would it not have been possible to go somewhere with a bed and pillows?” “Wuss!” “Guilty as charged.” 63

Sue Brown Nathan winked at Colin. “Your dad needs to get out into the countryside more. Experience nature first hand.” “The last time I did that, some stupid idiot ran into me and mowed me down,” Andrew pointedly reminded him. “Yeah, well, less said ‟bout that the better,” Nathan mumbled. He picked up some of the bags to load in his truck. “Ready to go?” “No.” Andrew clutched his coffee tighter. “Good. Come on, Colin. Where‟s your friend?” Nathan smiled broadly. Colin was bringing his best friend, Bobby, with him. Both Andrew and Nathan, as parent and teacher, thought this was a very bad idea. Bobby was… lively. Actually, Nathan had a whole host of other words to describe Bobby, but lively was the only one he‟d use in front of Colin. Unfortunately Colin was stubborn and Bobby was his best friend, so there was no negotiation and Bobby was issued an invitation. When Andrew had reluctantly asked Bobby‟s mother if her son could come on the camping trip, he could hear the cheering as he drove away. Andrew told Stephanie that actually she had choked on her coffee, then immediately booked herself into the nearest luxury hotel for the weekend. No take-backs there, then. “We‟re picking Bobby up from his house,” Andrew informed Nathan as they loaded up the truck. “Hope you‟re ready for this.” “For Bobby? I‟m not sure I could ever be ready for Bobby. That‟s like asking if you‟re ready for an earthquake. Prepared is better.” Nathan had a distinctly mischievous look on his face. Andrew had another bad feeling about this trip. “Uh, oh. Should I be worried?” Nathan‟s plans always seemed to involve blowing things up. Nathan clapped him on the back. “Nah. You‟ll be fine. As for Bobby… wait and see.” “Are you sure I need to come on this trip?” “Get!” Andrew got. 64

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“HEY Colin. Hey Mister P, Andrew. Move up, Colin. Where‟s your DS? Have you got anything to eat? Don‟t like those. Have you got Cheetos? Are we going to McDonalds? I don‟t like nuggets. Is it going to take long to get there? Ma says to tell you I need the bathroom every hour. Are we going to shoot something? Are we nearly there yet? Bye, Ma.” And that was Bobby‟s introduction to the camping trip. Two hours in and Nathan was ready to kill the little fucker. Surely it would be justifiable homicide on the grounds of Bobby‟s unreasonable behavior. How many times does one child have to ask, “Are we nearly there yet?” before they get the fucking message? He glared at Andrew, who was looking pretty fucking relaxed. Fucker! As soon as they started the journey he‟d put his earphones in and blanked everyone in favor of something with a really irritating beat. What was worse was the mindless humming and the leg slapping. Oh yes, the leg slapping really pissed Nathan off. He wouldn‟t put it past Andrew to start playing air guitar with his leg. And yes, there it was. Fucker! Reaching the campsite did a lot to recapture some of Nathan‟s cheeriness. The boys peeled out of the car as soon as they had pulled to a halt, laughing and charging around, looking at every nook and cranny. Nathan set them the task of finding the best spot to pitch the tents. Somewhere along the way, Andrew had fallen asleep, and he failed to wake up even after they had stopped driving. He was sprawled out against the door, mouth open, snuffling a little as he slept. Nathan looked at his friend fondly. He could leave Andrew to sleep for a while or he could wake him up and get him involved in the fun. There was no contest really. He did what any friend would in the circumstances. Nathan opened the passenger door and watched as Andrew spilled onto the hard ground. “Morning, sleepy-head. Rise and shine,” he exclaimed in a loud voice. 65

Sue Brown “Shit.” Andrew‟s eyes flew open as he hit the ground, arms flailing uselessly. He looked up to see Nathan standing over him, unrepentantly laughing at him. “You fucker!” “Yup! You owe me, Matthews, for every time I had to hear „are we there yet?‟” Nathan pointed out with a wicked grin. Still prone on the dirt, Andrew grinned at his friend. He tried for an innocent expression but missed by a mile. “Sorry, man, didn‟t hear it. I was sleeping.” Nathan leaned down and hauled Andrew up on his feet. “Journey back, I get the iPod.” “Not if I get it first.” “Dad, Mister P. C‟m here. We‟ve found it! It‟s perfect.” Colin raced back, Bobby hard on his heels. Andrew ruffled his son‟s hair, laughing as Colin squirmed away and tugged on his hand, begging him to come and look. “Okay then, let‟s see this spot. Nathan‟s the leader, he can decide.” The two men grinned at each other above the kids‟ heads and let themselves be dragged off to inspect a potential site for pitching the tents. Proclaiming himself satisfied at the spot, Nathan set everyone to work, pitching the tents and organizing their site. There were few other campers at that moment so they spread themselves out. The boys would be sharing one tent and the men the other. The idea of being in such proximity to Andrew caused Nathan a few moments discomfort, but he told himself he was being stupid. They were in close contact all the time. Maybe it was because the tent was such a confined space, so personal, and he still had strong feelings about the sight of Andrew blowing that guy in the club. Meanwhile, Andrew was moaning he hadn‟t inhaled enough coffee that morning, and how did they expect him to function, let alone be happy, if he didn‟t get more caffeine. Colin informed Nathan that his dad would only get more vocal if he wasn‟t satisfied soon. Throwing his hands up in despair at ever getting finished, Nathan sent the boys out on a mission to find logs and sticks for the fire. There were pits dug in the campsite to allow safe use of open fires. 66

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“Wonder how long it will be before Bobby does something stupid?” Andrew said as he hammered pegs into the ground. “Surprised it‟s lasted as long as it has,” agreed Nathan. “I still have nightmares about the zoo trip.” He was referring to a school field trip that ended abruptly when Bobby decided he wanted to share his lunch with the lions. Nathan still woke up in a cold sweat when he thought how quickly his fledgling career as a teacher might have ended if Bobby had managed to finish his climb over the fence. Nathan just thanked God that along with his height there came long arms to haul the boy back. They were just hammering in the last peg when Colin raced back to the tents, minus Bobby. The men looked at each other resignedly. “Dad! Bobby‟s fallen in the creek. He‟s hanging onto a branch and he‟s gonna drown.” Colin sounded more excited than worried. Andrew looked at his watch. “He lasted a whole hour. That‟s gotta be some sort of record.” Nathan stood up, stretching the muscles in his back. He wasn‟t all that fazed. Compared to lions, a little water was child‟s play. Bobby was fished out of the creek, dripping wet and very sorry for himself. Andrew handed him a towel and Nathan did his best firm teacher speech. Bobby nodded contritely and agreed to be a little more careful. And he was, for at least another couple of hours, until they were roasting marshmallows and drinking hot chocolate. Nathan looked over at the two boys, who were giggling as they poked their marshmallows in the fire. Even in the firelight Nathan could see the streaks of dirt covering Colin‟s face. Despite the chill, he was dressed in a thin T-shirt and shorts. Bobby was cleaner, but only marginally, his scruffy hair hanging limply round his ears as he leaned forward, poking his stick further into the flames. “Bobby, be careful. You‟ll set yourself on…” Nathan said, as he realized what Bobby was doing. “…fire!” Bobby started shrieking as the ends of his hair were caught by a stray spark. Andrew flung his hoodie over Bobby‟s head, swiftly 67

Sue Brown averting another disaster. He rolled his eyes at Nathan as he sat Bobby down with a new stick, the old one having been consigned to the fire in the panic. “I thought you were prepared for this?” he asked Nathan, reminding him of their earlier conversation. “Remind me never to say that again.” Nathan shuddered. “Nothing could prepare me for this.” He watched as Andrew inspected his hoodie for scorch-marks. Andrew‟s hair was longer than when they had first met and it curled around his ears, the ends catching the light from the fire. His glasses had slipped down his nose, and absently, Andrew pushed them back with one finger. The gesture left a small smudge of ash on his nose. Andrew looked up, catching Nathan‟s gaze. Embarrassed at being caught staring so openly, Nathan flushed, but Andrew just gave him a shy smile. Nathan swallowed hard and then smiled back. Something had changed in that split second. He just wasn‟t sure what.

NATHAN drifted awake slowly. He could hear the boys giggling in their tent and the sounds of the birds greeting the new day. Muted sunlight filtered through the tent as he smiled lazily to himself. He turned his head to look at Andrew, still fast asleep. Nathan knew that he was going to have to employ drastic measures to get Andrew on the move. He was rarely seen before eleven o‟clock at home, and even then it was under protest. The man looked as if he had been dragged through a hedge backwards and lost the fight. He was sleeping on his stomach, his face smushed into the airbed, and drooling slightly. Nathan grinned, contemplating sneaking a photo for future blackmail. Even as he watched, Andrew moved, his sleeping bag getting trapped around his legs, leaving his back and ass bare. Like Nathan, Andrew had wriggled into the sleeping bag wearing an old T-shirt and sweatpants. The T-shirt had gotten rucked up around 68

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his chest, and the sweatpants, a little saggy after endless washing, were riding low on his hips. Nathan realized there was a lot more of Andrew on display than he normally saw. Feeling a little guilty at staring so blatantly, yet unable to resist the urge, Nathan shifted quietly onto his side and studied his friend unobserved. Andrew‟s freckles weren‟t just on his face, Nathan realized for the first time. He studied their pattern as they spread over Andrew‟s back, extending down to the crack of his ass and slipping beneath the waistband. His skin was pale compared to Nathan‟s, testifying to the amount of time he spent shut in his darkroom rather than outside. Nathan wondered if he got sunburned easily. There were some white lines disappearing under his waistband. Peering a little closer, Nathan realized they were like thin weals. He wondered what had happened to cause the scarring. Nathan shifted his attention upwards, looking at the fine hair that covered Andrew‟s arms. For a man that thought exercise was a waste of good sleeping time, his arms were well developed. Mind you, the camera equipment weighed a fucking ton, so that probably helped. His long fingers were curled slightly, which led Nathan‟s thoughts to how they‟d feel around a guy‟s cock, his cock, and that made his cheeks heat up. Nathan took time to study his face, the freckles everywhere, including his ears. Colin was just the same. God, the man had such long, fine lashes. Nathan bit his lip. This was like sizing up a girl, except Nathan wasn‟t sure he had ever spent this much time studying a girlfriend. Andrew yawned, startling Nathan. He watched as the older man turned over onto his back, frowning as his trapped legs hampered him for a moment until he sunk back into a deep sleep. His stomach was exposed, the T-shirt almost rucked up to his nipples. There was just the faintest trace of hair beneath his navel, dipping down beneath…. Oh fuck. Nathan‟s mouth suddenly became very dry. The waistband of Andrew‟s sweatpants had slipped down so far the top of his dick was poking out, and he was hard, his morning 69

Sue Brown wood there for Nathan to see. In his sleep, Andrew scratched his belly, leaving his cock more exposed, red and leaking against his belly. Nathan turned away, face flaming with embarrassment. He had to get out of there before he did something really stupid, like touching. He wriggled out of his sleeping bag, trying not to disturb Andrew. The zip of the tent slid down easily and Nathan stepped out, gratefully sucking in a deep lungful of the fresh morning air. He tried to be as quiet as possible so that the boys, who seemed to be playing a game involving a lot of shouting but staying in their tent, didn‟t realize he was awake. He slipped on his sneakers and walked some distance away, badly needing to relieve himself in every sense. He just wasn‟t sure what was more urgent. In the end Nathan was leaning into a tree, his head resting against his arm, jacking himself off as fast and as quietly as he could. He came hard and dirty, leaving him panting against the tree, unwanted images in his head. Afterwards, he got back to the tents and got the fire going. Andrew eventually emerged, wearing a scowl, a large hoodie, Nathan’s hoodie, and demanding coffee. Nathan tried to act as normally as possible, handing him a pint of black caffeine and leaving Andrew to rejoin the human race in his own time. The boys had disappeared off somewhere, and the two men sat quietly around the fire, enjoying the peace. Right until Bobby got stuck up the tree. Bobby didn‟t mean to get stuck up the tree. Bobby probably didn‟t mean to do a lot of things. Didn‟t stop him though. Shit, that was a fuckin’ tall tree. Nathan looked at Bobby, clinging to a branch, a good fifty feet up. He was splayed out precariously on a thin branch, refusing to move. Colin was at the bottom, chewing on his lip. Laughter at his friend‟s predicament had quickly turned to a few tears when he realized that his friend was genuinely stuck. Now he was clinging onto Andrew‟s hand as the two men discussed what to do. Colin‟s suggestion of cutting the tree down was swiftly vetoed. 70

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They were faced with the prospect of one of them climbing up to rescue the boy. Andrew sighed. There was no real contest. He was lighter and more agile than Nathan, and besides, Nathan didn‟t like heights. “You‟re built like a freakin‟ Yeti and you don‟t like heights?” Andrew stared at Nathan in disbelief as the teacher mumbled out his reasons for not climbing the tree. Nathan scuffed the loose dirt with the toe of his sneakers. “I‟ve always been scared of heights. Makes me go green and faint. Sorry, dude.” “Fine. I‟ll get him.” Andrew looked up at the petrified boy in the tree. He‟d stopped crying but was clearly terrified. “Bobby, I‟m coming up.” Andrew let go of Colin‟s hand and walked around the tree, assessing the best way up. Then he stripped off Nathan‟s hoodie and started to climb, giving Nathan an excellent view of his ass. Nathan pushed away the thoughts crowding his mind. Within a minute or two, Andrew had reached Bobby. Nathan watched as Andrew braced himself to help the boy down, coaxing and soothing him to get him to let go of the branch. Andrew was very patient with him, patting his back when nerves got the better of the small boy. Andrew held on as Bobby let go his death grip eventually, allowing Andrew to maneuver him down to the next branch. Slowly, branch by branch, Andrew coaxed Bobby down the tree until Nathan was able to reach out and lift him down. For a second the boy clung onto him, then he was on the ground, looking up at where he had been. “That. Was. Awesome!” Bobby danced around, pointing up at the tree. “I gotta do that again!” “No!” Both men yelled at Bobby simultaneously, Andrew still sitting in the tree. “I‟ve got other plans,” said Nathan hastily. “You two go back to camp and I‟ll show you what we‟re doing. Straight back, no diversions!” 71

Sue Brown He scowled at them. They were clearly terrified as they giggled at him and said, “Sure Mister P. Whatever you say, sir.” Colin and Bobby ran off, tagging each other as they disappeared into the bushes. “Can see they‟re really scared of you, Teach. Lots of respect there.” Nathan looked up at Andrew, still sitting on one of the lower branches. “You gonna come down any time soon, or are you just gonna sit there being unhelpful?” Andrew shook his head. “With Bobby down there? Thinkin‟ it might be safer to stay here.” “You might be right there, but no way am I looking after that kid on my own.” Nathan huffed grumpily. He clearly hadn‟t been prepared for actually looking after Bobby. “Coward.” Andrew stuck his tongue out rudely. Whatever else Andrew was going to say was lost in a decidedly unmanly squeak as Nathan tugged on Andrew‟s legs and pulled him out of the tree. Only Nathan obviously hadn‟t taken into account Andrew‟s size and weight. He found himself body-slammed onto the ground with Andrew sprawled on top of him. “Ooof!” The air was completely knocked out of his lungs. “Fuck!” Nathan wheezed as he tried to persuade his lungs to function again. Not an easy task as there was a dead weight resting on his chest. He opened his eyes to discover Andrew staring worriedly down at him. He was so close Nathan could see every fleck in his eyes, smell the coffee that he hadn‟t had time to finish. Andrew was staring at him as if he was transfixed. Nathan realized he was staring at Nathan‟s mouth. Nathan licked his lips nervously, and Andrew followed the movement, his tongue unconsciously mirroring Nathan‟s. He felt himself harden, the thin sweatpants doing little to hide his reaction to Andrew lying on top of him, but he wasn‟t the only one. They were lying so their cocks were rubbing against each other, each little movement of their bodies heightening their arousal. 72

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“Ah, fuck, Nathan,” Andrew whispered softly. Nathan felt Andrew lean forward, pressing their bodies even closer together. “This isn‟t fair.” Andrew brushed his lips over Nathan‟s, then got off him. He looked down at the man, biting his lip, but said nothing as he walked off towards the campsite. Nathan lay back on the ground, feeling like he‟d been put through a wringer. Fuck. Fuck!

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ANDREW was restless. As they approached the club, the restlessness turned to gnawing hunger, and it needed satisfying or he would do something stupid. He had been unsettled for weeks, in all honesty since the camping trip. Gary had tried to calm him down, but nothing was working, and in the end it became obvious that there was only one thing to do. Gary went and spoke to Nathan. The club was new. Gary and Nathan had dragged him out of his darkroom and off to the city for a boys‟ weekend. That was fine. Except Gabe was with them, and it became pretty clear that Gary and Gabe wanted to spend some quality time in dark corners, which meant he didn‟t even have Gary to take the edge off his hunger. It was one night; he could do it, maybe, if he got permission. Andrew was restless. They lined up patiently to enter the club, yet Andrew couldn‟t stand still. He rocked side to side until Nathan was virtually pressing him down to still his movements. As they got through the doors, Andrew was like a tiger scenting its kill. He‟d seen a man with red-gold hair in the line ahead of them, and he wanted to get closer to check him out. As he moved forward to be nearer his prey, Nathan tugged on his arm to attract his attention. “Do you really need this?” Their eyes communicated all the unspoken words. Do you have to fuck some stranger? Andrew nodded, almost vibrating under Nathan‟s hand. He was anxious to get away before the urge to let go translated into action he would regret. Please, back away. 74

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“Why?” “Because I can‟t have what I want, Nathan,” Andrew whispered. Because I can’t fuck you. Nathan looked at him for a long moment, then dropped his arm. “Be careful, Drew. Please.” “I promise. It‟s just easing the pressure, that‟s all.” Stops me doing something stupid. “I‟m sorry, Andrew.” Wish it was me. Andrew looked away. “I know.” Yeah. Gary put his arm around Nathan. “Let him go, Nate. He‟ll be happier once he‟s had some fun.” Andrew was restless. The delay made his nerves crawl, yet he had to make Nathan understand. He stared at Nathan, pleading for his understanding. He‟d never felt he needed to ask permission before, but this time it was different. Nothing was ever spoken out loud, just looks and gestures. Nathan gave a curt nod, and Andrew smiled at him gratefully. He made his way into the crowd, not looking back. Somewhere in here there was someone who could relieve the pressure building inside him. He danced for hours, sometimes on his own, sometimes wrapped around another man. Andrew wanted more, fuck more, but there was no one that caught his eye. The man he had seen in the line was nowhere to be found. Where was he? Andrew was so restless he wanted to crawl out of his skin. Making his way back from the bathroom, he passed dark corners. Groans and murmurs filled his ears, making the ache inside him even greater. As he walked on, a hand clamped over his eyes and another grasped his arm firmly. Andrew panicked as he was manhandled, unable to see, until he was slammed up against a wall, his face pushed into the rough texture of the wall. Andrew struggled to get free. He wasn‟t about to get assaulted without a fight. But the hands didn‟t let him go. Instead he was forced 75

Sue Brown closer against the wall by another body. He could smell sunshine and sweat as the stranger molded his body around Andrew‟s. Andrew couldn‟t see a damn thing. A finger of light extended from a doorway, but they were too far away for it to be any use. He took deep breaths, willing the panic to calm. “Let me go.” He tried to yell, but the words didn‟t come out. He was pinned by large hands covering his and the feel of a hard cock grinding into his hip. When they felt his struggles lessen, the hands slid along his arms and he was turned, still within the confines of an embrace. “What do you—?” A finger went over his mouth, preventing him from asking his question. A hand went on his shoulders, pushing him firmly down to the floor. It was clear what the man wanted. It wasn‟t what Andrew needed though. He wanted to be fucked into next Sunday, not give someone a quick blowjob. He had the choice. But the man? He smelled like sunshine and sweat. Andrew‟s hands slid along the body in front of him. He could see fuck all, but he could feel the strength of the muscles under the soft denim. He slid along until he reached the apex of his legs. Pausing for a moment, he cupped the bulge, squeezing gently. The hand in his hair trembled. Andrew smiled and pressed his face into it, smelling laundry detergent overlaid with arousal. He mouthed at the erection through the denim, feeling the cock twitch under his lips. This guy wanted a blowjob? He could do that, but in return Andrew would get what he wanted. He attacked the buckle. The guy‟s hands fluttered around his for a moment, as if he was uncertain. It seemed odd behavior after his earlier aggression. Andrew paused, letting the hands settle on his, and together they undid the buckle. He pulled down the zipper and stroked him through the damp boxers. One hand fisted through his hair, tugging insistently. Pushy bastard. He wasn‟t fucking him without a rubber. Andrew dug in his pocket. He always brought supplies. Expertly Andrew freed him from 76

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the confines of his boxers and rolled the rubber over his cock. Jesus, this guy was big. Without preamble he took the head into his mouth. He could hear the man groan as his hips snapped helplessly, fucking into Andrew‟s mouth. Andrew grabbed the man by his hips, stilling him. This dude wanted to be blown? Yeah, he‟d be blown, but on Andrew‟s terms. Andrew tugged on the jeans and boxers, freeing the guy up sufficiently for him to work a hand in, cupping and caressing his balls, He licked up the shaft, learning the shape and texture under the latex. A slow glide into his mouth, filling him, nudging at the back of his throat. He wanted—Andrew wanted more from this. The restlessness came back, but the man—he smelled like sunshine and sweat. Andrew held the man by his hips, feeling him tremble beneath his fingers. Andrew could hear noises all round him, muted moans of desire and encouragement but nothing from the man he held in his mouth. The only indication was the hands, clenching and relaxing in Andrew‟s hair as Andrew slowly, carefully, sucked him into oblivion. He explored the head, slow sucks while his tongue laved the underside, then deep thrusts to drive them both wild. Andrew‟s jaw ached and his hair felt like it was going to be pulled out by the roots, but he continued, his hands slipping round to the guy‟s ass, firm muscles flexing under his hands as he pulled him closer. The man was close to coming. Andrew switched to shallow thrusts to get him even closer, then he pulled off with a messy pop. He heard a startled protest as he stood up. “Fuck me!” he ordered. Then he was turning around, not waiting to gauge the other man‟s reaction. Andrew unfastened his pants and shoved them down around his thighs, then placed his hands against the wall and waited. The guy hadn‟t made a move. Andrew wasn‟t sure if he could handle a rejection at this point, but he waited, seemingly relaxed. Just as Andrew thought he‟d blown it, the man exhaled noisily and stood behind him, much like at the start, molding himself around Andrew once more, sunshine and sweat filling Andrew‟s nostrils. “Are you sure?” he asked, a low drawl in Andrew‟s ear, his breath ruffling Andrew‟s hair. 77

Sue Brown “Do it. I, I‟m prepared,” Andrew admitted. The fingers that had been caressing his hips dug in at the admission, then Andrew was being forced against the wall and finally, finally he was filled up, the restlessness being fucked into submission as the man impaled him in one thrust. They were both too far gone to make it last. The man was digging cruelly into Andrew‟s hips as he pounded erratically into him, and Andrew was writhing, urging him on, not caring if anyone heard his mindless begging. He could feel his balls draw up, and he wrapped his hand around his own cock, so far untouched. The first touch was enough to make him come, sharp spurts oozing between his fingers. He clamped down on the cock in his ass and that drew the other man over the edge, hips pounding and bucking into Andrew as he came. The two men rested limply against the wall, still wrapped in each other as they came down from their orgasms. Andrew felt as if he had been freed from the gnawing ache inside him, and he smiled as he felt the other man‟s arms around him, holding him close against his chest, still heaving from his exertion and his face buried in Andrew‟s neck. His smile faded when he felt the warmth of tears slide down his neck. Andrew said nothing, but hugged the man‟s arms as they clasped him. After a moment he seemed to calm, and Andrew said, “It‟s okay, Nate. It really is.” Then he was standing alone as the man pulled away and left him in the darkness, still propped against the wall. “It‟s okay,” Andrew repeated softly to himself.

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ANGER and resentment twists his gut as Andrew walks off into the crowd without looking back. Boredom as he downs beer after beer, with little to do except watch Gary and Gabe play tonsil hockey or worse, catch rare glimpses of Andrew wrapped around other men. Coming back from the john to see him on his own and not thinking, for one brief second not thinking about the consequences of his actions. He was drowsy. The warmth of the Texas summer was muted under the trees, but in the hammock, Nathan dozed quietly as his young son nestled against him while he slept. Daniel was teething. His bright red cheeks and general grouchiness had proved wearing for his parents and grandparents. To give them all a break after another sleepless night, Nathan had taken him into the hammock. The late morning warmth and gentle movement rocked the grizzly child to sleep, and it didn‟t take long for his father to follow him into a restless doze, his dreams filled with one person. The feel of muscle playing under the skin, hands learning in the darkness. Slight roughness where there should be smoothness, compact strength almost flush against him where there should be a lithe, tiny body. The “wrongness” making him edgy yet wanting. The shock of being offered… the feel. Tightness, slippery… offered but no submission. The smell of spices and alcohol, sweat from the dancing, the noises of others… all screaming “wrong” at his senses. A buzzing against his leg disturbed him. Nathan brushed it away like an annoying insect until he realized it was his phone on vibrate. He fumbled for it, hoping it would stop before he answered. “Yeah?” he answered quietly, careful not to disturb Daniel. “You spoken to him yet?” Gabe‟s brusque tone intruded on his drowsy well-being. 79

Sue Brown “No.” “Stupid fuckers.” Gabe cut the connection. Bemused, Nathan was left hanging, the phone still tucked under his ear. Sighing as he realized Gabe was still pissed at him, Nathan stroked the soft, dark hair of his son. Daniel snuffled gently, screwing up his face as he slept. “It‟s so easy for you, little guy. Eat, play, sleep. That‟s your life. You‟ve got no idea, and I hope you never do.” Nathan‟s voice was soft and sad. No idea what it’s like to realize you want something more than your ordered existence. Work, the dogs, friends and his beautiful family all there, important but wanting something else. He could have had it, just the once. The darkness, the anonymity. He thought, no he hoped, Andrew hadn‟t realized who it was. He hoped he had just thought it was a nameless, faceless fuck. A bit of excitement to take the edge of his hunger. Nathan pounded his anger, his need, his confusion into the fuck and at the end, that short time of leaning against the other man, drawing strength from him, he took comfort from Andrew‟s lack of guilt, lack of knowledge of what they‟d done. Until the name, the whispered, “It‟ll be all right, Nate.” “You all right, Nathan?” No! “Uh, Dr. Bob?” Nathan raised his head to see his big brother waving a cold beer at him. “There room for me in there?” Nathan moved over, protecting Daniel as Bob climbed into the enormous hammock. The brothers had built it the summer Nathan turned sixteen. It had been big enough to accommodate all three of the siblings. When his brother was settled, Nathan settled Daniel on top of his chest and, accepting a beer, drank it gratefully. The brothers lazed quietly for a few minutes, the natural movement of the hammock lulling both in a half doze. “What‟s going on, lil‟ bro?” 80

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Bob‟s voice made him jump, disturbing the sleeping child. Nathan soothed Daniel back to sleep, putting off the moment where he would have to answer. Going on? Nothing was going on. He had a perfect life. “What makes you think anything‟s going on?” he countered, trying to give himself more time. Bob just raised one eyebrow, giving him the you’re so full of shit look perfected by big brothers down through the ages, but he said mildly “You seem… distant, almost unhappy. Not your usual gabby annoying self.” Realizing he wasn‟t going to get away with diverting his brother, Nathan sought a way to deflect him. Scrubbing an impatient hand through his hair, he said, “Just tired, y‟know? Daniel and the new job an‟ all. Just too much goin‟ on.” His mouth curved into a soft grin as he looked down at his little son, snuggled into his hipbone. “Not sure if my feet touch the ground some days.” He looked up to see his brother staring at him, an indecipherable expression on his face. Nathan watched as Bob took a long swallow of beer, seemingly mulling over Nathan‟s words. “Lot‟s surely gone on this past year,” his brother agreed. Nathan breathed a sigh of relief. “You sure that‟s all it is?” “What do you mean?” Nathan covered a moment of panic with another sip of beer. Bob picked at the label of the beer bottle, sliding his nail under the damp paper. He seemed very uncomfortable, but Nathan wasn‟t sure what he was driving at. “Mom mentioned you were having trouble with a neighbor.” Nathan‟s breath stopped in his chest. “A little, a while back,” he agreed cautiously. “It‟s all over now. We‟ve been friends for months.” “Huh, Alex said something ‟bout a camping trip from hell?” Bob was still picking at the label, refusing to look at Nathan. “Yeah, went with Andrew, his son, and a friend for a weekend to the Park. It was good. Apart from the tree incident… and the creek… and the fire.” 81

Sue Brown Bob grinned and demanded to know more. Nathan let out a sigh of relief as he started telling Bob about Bobby‟s antics on the camping trip, hoping he had deflected his brother‟s attention away from himself. They had exhausted the camping trip and moved onto the latest game when Bob suddenly said, “When I was with you just before Christmas, I saw him.” “Saw who?” Nathan asked. Nope, hadn‟t worked. “Andrew. You and he weren‟t talking, but he was watching you from a distance.” Bob‟s voice had returned to the serious tone of earlier. Nathan frowned. He wasn‟t sure what Bob was driving at. “Wanted to kill me at that point, I‟ll bet. I was being a complete ass to him. Bob, what‟s this really all about?” “He was looking at you as if you were the sun, moon, and stars, gift-wrapped for Christmas.” Bob shifted uncomfortably on the hammock for a moment before turning to look at Nathan. Nathan opened his mouth to scoff, but the look on his brother‟s face stopped the words before they were uttered. “You must be mistaken,” Nathan muttered. “Am I?” Bob queried. “Look, Nate, I don‟t want to get in your face and I wouldn‟t have said anything but…” and here Bob added the clincher, “Mom asked me if anything was going on. She‟s been worrying since she met him at New Year. She said something felt wrong.” Nathan stared at him incredulously. “What? What the fuck do you and Mom think is going on? He‟s a neighbor and a friend, that‟s all!” His voice raised in his anger, disturbing Daniel, who frowned and whimpered in his sleep. Nathan took a deep breath and stroked Daniel‟s hair, trying to calm them both down. “Look, we were both unhappy about the row, and there‟s no sun, moon, or whatever. Jesus, Bob, what d‟ya think I am?” Yeah, Nate, you keep telling yourself that. You can’t even keep it from your mom and big brother. God knows what she would say if she found out what her little boy had been up to. Her little boy stalking his friend, pushing him into a dark room and forcing him… no, not forcing. 82

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There was a moment when he could feel Andrew panicking, then suddenly he seemed to relax under his hands, and Andrew took control… offering him… fuck… offering himself. He gazed at his brother, not really seeing him, still lost in the darkness, lost in the feeling of lust and anger. Anger at Andrew for calling his name, for losing the comforting cloak of anonymity, for making Nathan face his adultery. “Hey, honey, are you with me?” He’d opened his eyes to see Alex’s concerned face looking at him, just this morning. Concerned yet edged with annoyance. Shaking his head as he realized he’d wandered off in the middle of their lovemaking. Apologizing, the guilt inside him making him pay particular attention to her needs until she was almost sobbing as she came. Her gratitude eating him up even more, as he couldn’t get the thought of another body reacting under his, out of his mind. “Hey, Nathan? Are you still with me?” Bob was frowning at him, but his eyes reflected his concern. Nathan swallowed hard and nodded. “Yeah, sorry. I‟m fine.” He took a long pull of his beer, trying to collect his thoughts. “Bullshit.” his brother said bluntly. “You‟re not fine. M‟not stupid, Nathan, and neither is Mom. If you don‟t work on your act more convincingly, she‟ll never believe you.” “It‟s not—” “You fucking him?” Nathan stared at him open-mouthed. Bob stared back. “I, I….” “Well, are you?” Nathan bit his fingernail and nodded. Bob exhaled noisily. “Jeez, little brother, you‟ve got yourself into a mess. Does Alex know?” “No, of course not. It‟s nothing.” He looked at Bob pleadingly. “I didn‟t mean it to happen.” Maybe the first time could be excused, Nathan Peterson, but what about the next time? That wasn’t in anger, was it? 83

Sue Brown The accusatory drum roll in his head starting pounding even louder as his brother huffed and said, “Nothing? Are you sure? What did happen? Start from the beginning.” He reached underneath the hammock and pulled out another couple of beers from where they had been keeping cool. “I think we‟re going to need these.” Nathan accepted his and took a drink as he wondered where to start. The camping trip, New Year, the first time at the club, or the first time they met, and the feel of Andrew as Nathan hugged him? He was disturbed by Bob patting his leg. “It‟s okay, you can talk to me. It‟ll be all right, Nathan. It doesn‟t bother me… I mean the idea of you and Andrew.” “It doesn‟t?” Nathan raised an eyebrow as he looked at his brother. Bob hadn‟t been known for his liberal views as they were growing up. Bob shook his head. “Being a doctor, you see a lot of things. Old prejudices an‟ all that rubbish you spout as kids, they don‟t seem to matter anymore. Made new friends as well, gay friends. So it doesn‟t matter what you tell me, Nathan. I‟m worried ‟bout you, okay?” A lump formed in Nathan‟s throat, and he had to swallow hard a couple of times before he could speak. He‟d never been that close to his brother, always feeling Bob treated him like an irritating little pest, but now? Now he wanted to rest his head on Bob‟s shoulder and bawl his eyes out. He picked at a loose thread on Daniel‟s vest as he started to speak. “We went to a club a few weeks ago. Nothing happened before then, I swear, except we both knew we wanted it to.” Nathan spoke haltingly. “So what happened? Did he make a move on you?” Bob asked gently. “More like the other way round.” At his brother‟s shocked look, Nathan said, “I know, I just couldn‟t take it anymore, all the tension and the looks. I‟ve never done anything like this before.” “So it was just the one time in the club?” Bob sounded like he could deal with that. It took all Nathan had to admit, shamefacedly, “No.” 84

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“You‟ve carried on since then?” Bob sounded like he was trying to be understanding. Nathan shook his head. “Not exactly. It wasn‟t going to be like that. It was going to be one anonymous fuck in the club. He wasn‟t meant to know it was me.” At Bob‟s puzzled look he said, “I dragged him into a dark room before he caught sight of me.” “You, he, I… I don‟t think I‟m going to ask,” Bob stuttered. “So… he knew it was you?” “Yeah.” “So what happened?” Bob asked again. What happened? What happened was stupid, but Nathan couldn‟t get it out of his head. It was the first thing he thought about when he woke and the last thing he thought about before he went to bed. “You sure you want to hear this?” Nathan wasn‟t sure it was a good idea to spill his guts to his brother. It wasn‟t like they had ever shared their problems before. Bob looked seriously at Nathan. “Want to hear? No. But you need to tell someone before it eats you up, and I‟d be a pretty shitty brother if I didn‟t offer you a shoulder. Come on, I‟m not gonna ask again.” Nathan sighed and settled back in the hammock. Daniel turned so that he was splayed over Nathan‟s lap, whimpering slightly as he sucked on his hand. “I ran away when he said my name.” Saying it out loud made him feel even more of a coward. Bob pulled at the label on the beer bottle once more. “Andrew called your name out when you, uh….” Nathan blushed. “No, it was afterwards. He told me it would be okay, and I ran off.” “Then what happened?” Bob was certainly persistent. Nathan sorted through the events in his mind. “I found Gary and Gabe and told them I was going back to the motel. Then I left the club.” Bob looked confused. “Why were you staying in a motel?” “Boys‟ weekend away. Andrew was, uh, restless. Gary thought a 85

Sue Brown night out at a new club would do him good. Give him a chance to play a little. So we drove to Waterstown. It had a large ga… club.” Nathan wasn‟t quite sure how much to reveal. “Gay club?” Bob queried. “Andrew is actually gay? But he‟s married to that lovely brunette, um, Stephanie?” Nathan looked at Bob carefully. No matter what he had said earlier, Nathan wasn‟t sure his brother was as laid-back as he had made out. “Yeah, he‟s gay. His mom forced him and Stephanie into marriage when she got pregnant. They were only sixteen. He was trying to be a good straight Christian boy.” Bob pulled a sympathetic face. “That‟s tough. One mistake and you‟re lumbered with a wife and kid.” He didn‟t seem to be judgmental about Andrew, and Nathan breathed a little easier. “Andrew‟s a great father, but sometimes he just needs to let loose a little.” “And he goes to a club?” Bob seemed happier to have it settled in his own mind. “Yeah. He and Gary, they play, but they‟re more friends than anything else. I don‟t particularly like going to the clubs, but Gabe wanted to meet up with Gary again,” Nathan continued. Bob choked on a mouthful of beer, spraying it all down his front. “Gabe?” he gasped weakly. “Gabe, fuck my eyes out with those bazookas, Michaels? He‟s playing for the other side now?” Bob flailed around for a minute, trying to find a tissue to wipe his nose. Shrugging slightly, Nathan made a good show of a smile. “What can I say? It‟s a shock to both of us.” “I‟ll bet,” muttered Bob. “Anyways, I left the club, but I was sharing a room with Andrew, cuz the other boys wanted to be together. So I had to face him eventually.” Nathan stroked his hand down Daniel‟s back, seeking comfort. “Oh, shit.” Nathan scrubbed a hand through his hair. “I didn‟t know what I was going to do or say, and when he did turn up, I did the worst thing possible.” 86

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“Punch him?” “Kiss him.” Bob frowned. “You‟ve just had sex with the guy. What was the big deal about kissing him?” “It wasn‟t… it wasn‟t a nice kiss.” Jeez, could you sound more like a kid? From the sight of Bob‟s raised eyebrow, it was clear he thought so too. “What sort of kiss was it, exactly?” “I slammed him against the wall as he came in the door and kissed him.” If anything, Bob‟s eyebrows were in danger of disappearing under his fringe. “I guess Andrew was getting a little sick of being pushed around?” “I guess,” Nathan agreed, “because he shoved me off pretty hard. I kinda lost it and stomped into the bathroom, locking the door.” “Ouch! How did he take your hissy fit?” “It was a little more than a hissy fit,” insisted Nathan. Bob gave him the big brother look. “Yeah, right. So you behaved like an idiot. Then what?” “I sat on the john and waited. Nothing happened.” “He didn‟t knock or call out?” “Nope. In fact, in the end I unlocked the door and found Andrew had gone to sleep.” Bob stared open-mouthed at his brother. “You mean…?” Nathan nodded. “He was undressed, under the covers, and asleep.” “Jeez! I need more beer, lots more beer. Don‟t move.” Bob rolled out of the hammock and wandered off towards the house. “And a bottle of milk for Daniel. I think he‟s gonna wake up soon.” Nathan called after him. “What did your last slave die of?” Bob grumbled. “Tell you what, I‟ll get up and disturb Daniel, and you can look after him.” Nathan made to get up. 87

Sue Brown “No, no,” Bob said hastily. “I wouldn‟t dream of disturbing him after the sleepless night he obviously had.” Nathan was magnanimous by not smirking too much as he watched him depart. He lay back and closed his eyes, not drowsy like before. Instead the events of that night were playing like an old movie before his eyes. Bob was right. He had needed to talk to someone about this. Someone who wasn‟t Gabe or Gary or, God forbid, Andrew. If he was going to make any decision about his life, he needed the support of his family. The clink of bottles alerted Nathan to the return of his brother and prevented him and Daniel from being tipped unceremoniously out of the hammock. The rocking motion woke his little son, who started crying, and it was a few minutes before the warm milk soothed him enough that the two men could resume their conversation. Bob waited until Daniel was settled before saying, “So Andrew was snoring and you were…?” “Livid.” “I‟ll bet. So what did you do?” “What could I do, short of waking him up?” Nathan queried. “I got undressed and went to bed, trying to calm down enough to sleep.” “And did you?” “No. I was too angry.” Nathan grinned ruefully at his brother. As a child his temper had been legendary, and his brother had been on the receiving end many times. Bob gave him a quizzical look. “So far I‟m not hearing much other than a quick fumble in a club.” A quick fumble? Is that how little his brother rated a blowjob and a fuck? Nathan wondered if he was the odd one, if he was making too much of it. Maybe he was. “He wasn‟t asleep.” “Oh?” It was amazing, the amount of intonation his brother managed to inflect in one little word. Nathan shook his head. How could he describe lying there in the dark, fists clenched, 88

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wanting to go over and shout at Andrew, wake him up and…. And what, beg him for attention? How could he describe how it was the silence that made him realize Andrew was feigning sleep? There were no snuffles, no deeper breathing, just silence, an expectant, noiseless waiting. He’d sat up, knowing what he was going to do. The sensible thing, turning over and going to sleep? No. He got out of bed and, carefully groping his way over to the other bed, went and sat down, making sure he didn’t sit on Andrew. Not by a movement or a noise did Andrew give any indication he was awake. Nathan had hesitated just for a minute, then he laid a gentle hand on Andrew’s shoulder, saying, “Drew?” Andrew had given a little noise, almost a sigh, almost a sob, then had reached out with one arm and pulled him in for a kiss. “Back to the kissing thing again,” his brother commented. “Was this a nice kiss?” Nice kiss? This was a Westley and Buttercup, Shrek and Fiona, Brad and Angelina kiss all rolled up and magnified a billion times! “Huh?” Dismayed, Nathan looked at his brother. “Yes, my brother. You did say that out loud,” Bob said, not even trying to hide his smirk. “So it was a good kiss?” “Didn‟t I just say that?” muttered Nathan. Daniel finished the last dregs of milk in the bottle, and after the last few hopeful sucks, pulled off the nipple and looked at Nathan drowsily. His cheeks still looked flushed and swollen. “You still tired, my little man?” Nathan murmured, and tucked him into his shoulder, patting his back soothingly. Daniel gave a lazy burp and, after grizzling for a few minutes, settled back down to sleep. “He still looks a bit feverish,” Bob observed. “Is that your professional opinion, Dr. Peterson?” Bob laughed. “That‟s the uncle-hoping-to-get-some-sleeptonight‟s opinion. So you kissed and fireworks exploded. Then what?” 89

Sue Brown Nathan stroked Daniel‟s back. The baby was hot and sticky in the summer‟s heat, and Nathan wondered if he should take Daniel inside for a cool bath. Anything to avoid answering the damn question. “Nathan?” his brother prompted. “Then he made love to me.” And that’s what made it so damn frighteningly real. Andrew didn’t fuck him or nail him into the mattress. He made love to Nathan. If it had been a case of another blowjob or a quick fuck, it would have been amazing, but easier to dismiss as a one-off. But from the outset, Andrew made it plain that he wanted more than just sex. Nathan found himself rolled onto his back. Andrew pulled the sheet over their heads, leaving them cocooned in their own private world. Nathan was freaked by the intimacy of this action. For a split second the urge to break out was almost overwhelming; then Andrew cupped his hands around Nathan’s head and kissed him again, any desire to run melting away under his lips. Nathan didn‟t want to tell Bob how giving Andrew was, how he eased Nathan over his fears. He didn‟t want to tell him what it was like to be reduced to two words, whispering please and more as Andrew spent hours kissing, licking, and touching his neck and chest before anything else happened. He didn‟t want Bob to know what it felt like to have Andrew‟s fingers curl around him, how right it felt to be held like this. And he especially didn‟t want to talk to Bob about how it felt to be penetrated for the first time, first by Andrew‟s fingers, then, with Andrew whispering soft words of encouragement in his ear, by his dick, the feeling of too much bleeding into more, now. How could he tell Bob that he had never felt like this when he and Alex made love? That his beautiful wife, whom he adored, had never touched him at the core like this. He looked up to see Bob staring at him, a strange expression on his face. It was almost as if he were jealous. “You‟re very quiet,” Nathan commented. Bob sighed, absently flicking the top of his empty beer bottle. “It‟s a lot to take on board,” he admitted. 90

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“I know,” Nathan agreed. “I, I‟m sorry if you think that I fucked up, Bob.” Bob looked seriously at his brother. “I think you‟ve made life complicated, and you‟ve got some hard thinking to do about what you really want. Jeez, you‟re a wonderful dad, a fantastic teacher, and you‟ve been a great husband. You‟re just really confused at the moment.” “Been a great husband. Not now though. I‟ve committed adultery.” And God, he felt so damn sick to his stomach every time he thought about it. “You‟ve fallen in love,” Bob pointed out. He sat up, making the hammock swing wildly. “It‟s not going to be easy, whatever decision you make.” Nathan shook his head. “There‟s nothing to decide. I have a wife and child to care for.” Bob gave him a serious look. “So you want to turn into another Andrew? Stuck in a relationship you don‟t want to be in because you‟re not brave enough to grasp what you do want?” Nathan couldn‟t believe what his brother was saying. “I have a child who needs me. I‟d lose my job if this came out, if I left Alex for Andrew.” “Probably,” agreed Bob. “But there are other teaching jobs, and you are a decent man. You‟d stand by Alex and Daniel.” “It‟s too soon, too much, to make this decision.” The pounding in Nathan‟s head was starting up again. “Talk to Andrew. At least have that conversation,” Bob insisted, as he fell ungracefully out of the hammock. “How do you know…?” Bob snorted. “Because I‟m your brother, dorkwad. And I haven‟t spent the last hour listening to you talk about him not to realize that you probably haven‟t spoken to him since that night. Am I right?” “Yeah, you‟re right. It just seemed kind of hard to have a conversation in the cold light of day.” Even if you did wake up with your head on his chest and your hand wrapped around his dick. 91

Sue Brown “Time to do a bit of growing up, lil‟ bro. Now I‟m off for a sleep, to buffer me against my nephew‟s activities tonight.” Bob bent down and kissed the top of Daniel‟s head. “Bob,” Nathan said, his voice suddenly hoarse. “Thank you.” Bob ruffled his hair, a gesture he had made since Nathan was a small boy. “No worries.” He disappeared into the house. Alone once more except for the small sleeping form of his son, Nathan bit his lip as he thought about his next move. He dialed a number on his phone and waited patiently. “Andrew?”

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Chapter 9

ANDREW started the day a married man, secure in the knowledge that nothing ever happened in his little world, aside from the small matter of a man who now occupied every waking moment. Andrew ended the day an honest man for the first time in his adult life, even if he didn‟t know what the hell had just happened.

ANDREW backed out of his darkroom carefully, his arms full of equipment he wanted to sort out. “Need a hand?” Jumping at the unexpected voice, he looked over his shoulder. Stephanie was putting down her bag and coming towards him with her arms outstretched. “Thanks,” Andrew agreed. She took what she could reach out of his hands, placing it on the counter behind her. Andrew did the same with the rest of the items, then stepped back to look at his wife. “Uh, not that I‟m ungrateful, but why are you here?” he asked. Stephanie picked at a rough patch on the counter top. “I need to talk to you without Colin hearing. It‟s more difficult now that he‟s on vacation. He‟s gone round to Bobby‟s for a few hours.” Andrew raised an eyebrow but merely said, “Want some coffee?” She nodded, her expression showing relief at putting off the conversation for a few more minutes. He unobtrusively watched her as 93

Sue Brown he made a pot of coffee. Stephanie was worrying about something. She was chewing on her hair as she waited for him to return. He hadn‟t seen her do that since she was plucking up the courage to tell him about Joe. Oh God…. A few minutes later, he was pushing a large mug of coffee in front of Stephanie, a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He waited until she‟d drunk a little, then he placed a hand on hers. “Gonna tell me now, Steph? Come on, I won‟t bite.” She looked at him, then she blurted out, “Joe and I want to get married.” He swallowed hard, then gave her a weak smile. “‟Bout time, hon.” “You don‟t mind?” Stephanie asked in a small voice. “Your mom, Colin…?” Andrew squeezed her hand. “Don‟t you think it‟s about time we faced up to my mother? She‟s controlled our lives for too long. And our boy is strong. He‟ll cope.” Stephanie gave a shaky sob. “What about you, Andrew? Will you cope?” “Got to, haven‟t I? Still got my boy to support. Does Joe want to take over the mortgage?” Andrew tried to smile, but knew it looked forced. She nodded. “He‟s happy to, but you don‟t have to rush away. The basement is yours while we sort everything out.” “I guess I‟ll go and live with Gary, like he‟s been at me for years. Colin‟s older now. He doesn‟t need me so much.” Andrew bit down on his lip to stop it from trembling. Stephanie wasn‟t fooled, and she stroked his cheek gently. Their relationship had been close, if unconventional, over the years, and hurting her husband was the last thing she wanted to do. “He‟ll always need you; you brought him up, remember? We‟re not pushing you out. I won‟t let it happen. It‟ll be good for you to have some time for just you, though. You need to get away for a bit.” Andrew looked at her cautiously. “Why do I need to get away?” 94

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Her hand dropping to the table, Stephanie said, “I‟ve never judged you, or criticized your choices. You‟ve always been discreet, kept away from home, but this thing you‟re doing now… it‟s dangerous and someone‟s going to get hurt.” She looked him in the eye. “It‟s not like you to play with fire. Not on your own doorstep.” Shocked to the core, Andrew asked, “How did you know?” He hadn‟t realized that Stephanie had known about his feelings for Nathan. She gave him a rueful smile. “Have you seen the way you look at him? It‟s written all over your face, and he‟s not much better. Even Jim was asking me if we were all right after the New Year‟s Eve party. Mind you, Allison probably put him up to that.” “He was in pain. I took him home.” Andrew was livid; the nosy old bitch! “What was I supposed to do? Leave him in agony?” “Hey, it‟s me you‟re talking to. I know you were just doing the right thing, then.” She paused. “But now? It‟s a little more than that now, isn‟t it? Andrew, people are starting to talk, and it is hurting Alex. Nathan‟s been really off since you came back from the weekend away. Distant and cranky.” “She said that?” Andrew asked hoarsely. Stephanie nodded. “I don‟t know what happened, babe, and I don‟t want to know, but go to Gary‟s for a few weeks. Live it up a little. Forget about Nathan.” Andrew shrugged. “If I asked you to forget about Joe, could you do that?” “Me? Probably. It‟d hurt, but I could do it.” Stephanie couldn‟t meet his eyes though. “I‟m not sure I can forget about him, Steph. I love him,” admitted Andrew, saying it out loud for the first time. She squeezed his hand again. “Sweetie, I know you do, and God knows if anyone deserves love it‟s you, but he‟s a husband and a father to a baby. He‟s off-limits. Go away and get some breathing space, for all of you. Please?” Andrew nodded slowly. Work was quiet and it wouldn‟t be difficult to arrange coverage for the hospital work for a few weeks. The 95

Sue Brown enormity of what Stephanie had just told him crashed over him like a tidal wave. He‟d had no idea it had been so obvious. Stephanie was watching him closely. “You know, it‟s the first time in ten years I‟ve seen you show that much emotion. It‟s about time you started to live again.” She stood up and he followed suit. “Guess we‟d better go and tell our boy, then?” Andrew swallowed hard; he wasn‟t looking forward to that conversation at all.

“HEY, Mom.” Andrew was gripping the phone so hard, his knuckles were white. “Andrew? Is that you? Why is your voice so raspy? What‟s the matter?” His mother‟s concerned questions bombarded his aching head. Raspy? Maybe because I just told my son he won’t see me again for weeks. Maybe because I just told my son, that I brought up, that someone else is going to be his full-time daddy. Maybe it’s because my son and I have been crying our eyes out for the last two hours. What’s the matter? Huh, where do I start? I’m gay… still. I’ve fucked one of the neighbors… again. At least this one won’t get pregnant. Just the slight problem of being married and a daddy already. Oh, and I’m getting divorced because my wife is in love with another man. “Andrew, are you still there?” “Mom, I‟ve got something to tell you.” “I knew there was something wrong. What is it, Son? Do you need me to fly down there? I can get a flight today.” She sounded like she was already reaching for her suitcase. God, no! “Mom, please, I need you to stop a minute,” he whispered. Andrew‟s grip on his control was fragile, and his mother wasn‟t 96

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helping. There was an offended silence at the other end of the line. “Stephanie and I are getting divorced.” He knew the exhaustion in his voice was showing. The silence continued for more than a minute. “Mom? Did you hear me?” “Andrew Timothy Matthews…” His mother‟s voice was sharp now. Uh-oh. “…please tell me you were just telling me some kind of sick joke? You aren‟t getting divorced. Never. I won‟t permit it.” Andrew closed his eyes as he listened to his mother rant. They felt sore and gritty; he really wished he‟d had the sense to take his contact lenses out before phoning his mother. He was surprised they hadn‟t washed away with all the crying he had just done. “Andrew? Talk to me, boy.” Andrew winced. “I‟m here,” “I‟m flying down today. Tell Stephanie to make up a room. I‟ll see if Pastor Jim is free. He‟ll need a room too.” “No, Mom, definitely not! You can‟t fly down. I won‟t be here. I‟m going to Gary‟s for a while. Besides, there‟s nothing the pastor can do to change our minds. It‟s something we should have done a long time ago.” “Don‟t say things like that. What will the neighbors think? You‟re married in God‟s eyes. Divorce is a sin, and you have Colin. What about him?” “I noticed you are more worried about what the neighbors think than about your grandson,” Andrew pointed out dryly. “Don‟t get smart with me, Andrew Matthews, I won‟t have it!” Ruth snapped. Andrew sighed. “I‟m sorry, Mom. But honestly, there‟s nothing you can do by dragging Pastor Jim down here. Stephanie… Stephanie has met another man, and she wants to get married. I‟m happy for her. It‟s time she settled down with him. Joe‟s a good man and he‟ll make 97

Sue Brown her happy.” “You’re her husband.” “In name only. You know that.” “Andrew!” His mother‟s shocked tones echoed clearly into the basement. “I‟m gay, remember?” “I could hardly forget,” she retorted. “But surely you‟re over that nonsense now.” Andrew counted to ten and then added an extra ten for good measure. “It‟s not something you grow out of, Mom.” “I thought we beat that nonsense out of you when you were fifteen.” “You and the pastor did your best,” Andrew said grimly. “I still have the scars to prove it.” “Obviously not hard enough if you‟re still spouting that abomination.” Andrew rubbed his fingertips over the scars on his ass. Even through the fabric of his pants he could feel the long lines, interrupted by the marks from the buckle. “You can‟t beat gayness out of someone. I would have thought you and the good pastor would have learned that by now.” “But you‟ve been married for ten years. You got Stephanie pregnant—” “And we‟ve been paying for it ever since, by staying in a fake marriage that neither of us wanted. I only fucked her to get you off my back. I just wasn‟t clever enough to use a condom!” Andrew shouted, frustrated beyond endurance by his mother‟s bigotry and the ten long years he had put up with living a lie. “How could you say such things to me?” Ruth choked out. Andrew knew what was coming next and silently mouthed the words along with her. “I‟m your mother. I suckled you when you were a baby, wiped your knee when you fell over—” “And beat me with a belt, buckle an‟ all, when you caught me 98

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kissing Nick under the bleachers.” “It was for your own good,” she whined. “Yeah, it was so good I‟ve spent a decade pretending to be something I‟m not, and condemned Stephanie the same way.” Andrew exhaled noisily. “Look, it‟s been a hell of a day and… hold on, Mom.” He broke off as he heard Colin shouting outside his door. Ignoring his mother‟s irritated squawking, he went to see what the commotion was about. Andrew found his son literally guarding his front door, although he couldn‟t see what from until Colin moved to one side and he saw Nathan standing on the path looking shell-shocked. “It’s all your fault!” Colin was yelling at his erstwhile teacher. “They were happy before you turned up, and now….” He took a breath that changed into a sob. “Now they‟re splitting up and it‟s your fault. Stay away from me!” he yelled as Nathan made a move towards him. Andrew hung up on his mother without saying goodbye and stepped out into the sunlight to try and head off further confrontation. “Colin, what‟s the matter? Why are you shouting at Nathan?” He put a hand on Colin‟s shoulder. His son looked up at him, his face filthy and puffy from hours of crying. “I saw you… an‟ now you‟re leaving Mom… goin‟ to Gary‟s… saw you on top of him when I came back to the tree… you were happy before he came an‟ he made you cry… all his fault… you kissed him an‟ now you don‟t want me anymore.” Nathan looked horrified. “Colin, I—” He stopped as Andrew shook his head briefly. Andrew knelt down on the hot pavement and turned Colin so he was facing away from Nathan. Colin‟s mouth thinned mutinously as if he was expecting a scolding from his dad for shouting at his teacher, but he couldn‟t stop the tears rolling down his face, fresh tear tracks in the dirt. Colin‟s eyes dropped to the ground. “Look at me, Colin,” Andrew said quietly, waiting until Colin had dragged his gaze up to his father‟s before he continued. In his peripheral vision he could see Stephanie come running around the side of the house, obviously alerted by the shouting, but he ignored her, 99

Sue Brown ignored Nathan, and just focused on the distraught figure of his son. “Colin,” Andrew continued in the same calm tones. “Do you really think I‟m leaving because of you?” The sound of Colin sobbing tore at Andrew‟s heart. For all his brave words to his mother, his son was one of the few good things he had gained from his fake marriage, and Colin‟s distress was too much to bear. “Do you?” he asked again. Colin shook his head. “But he made you cry and you kissed him an‟ now you‟re goin‟.” “Mom and I explained why I‟m leaving. It has got nothing to do with Nathan. It‟s just for a coupla weeks for a break. I‟m coming back, Colin. I promise.” Andrew knew that he meant it. He had to make a clean break of it for now, get everything straightened out in his head. “You‟re coming back?” Colin was staring at him, his large blue eyes fixed on Andrew‟s. “Of course he is, Colin.” Stephanie knelt down beside Andrew. “He‟s your daddy and he loves you.” Colin‟s face crumpled again, but this time in relief. His parents gathered him into their arms, and for a few minutes they huddled together on the driveway, the small family trying to draw comfort from each other. Fresh tears spilled over Andrew‟s cheeks, irritating his already inflamed eyes as he buried his face in his son‟s hair. He looked up to see Nathan standing awkwardly on the pathway, not knowing whether to go or stay. “Go inside.” Andrew nodded to the door. Nathan looked uncertain as he hovered over them. “Are you sure, Andrew? I can come back later.” “No, I need to talk to you and I‟m not going to be around for a few days.” His arms tightened as he felt Colin jerk in his arms. Nathan went into the basement, leaving the little family on the doorstep. Andrew stroked his son‟s hair. It had gotten longer over the past year and now curled around his ears. 100

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“Colin, I‟ve got to talk to Nathan.” Colin opened his mouth to say something, but Andrew stopped him. “Colin, I know what you saw and I will talk to you about it, but not right now. Please, let me talk to Nathan, then I‟ll come and find you.” He waited for Colin to nod before he let him go, then he stood up, his hand squeezing Stephanie‟s shoulder. Andrew stretched himself, and as he did so, he realized Allison and Jim were in their front yard, looking over to their little scene. They had witnessed everything. Andrew had no doubt they had probably heard everything as well. In his darker moments he was pretty sure Allison had bugs in every house as well. Shit! The neighbors looked away quickly when they realized they had been caught eavesdropping, but not before Andrew saw the expression on Allison‟s face. It was much like the one she had used at New Year when Andrew helped Nathan home, just a little less speculation and a lot more knowing. Andrew stepped into his basement and closed the door behind him. For a brief moment, he leaned up against the door with his eyes shut. The past few hours had been really tough, with difficult conversations, and he didn‟t expect this one to go any better. He opened his eyes to find Nathan staring at him, an indecipherable expression on his face. “Hi,” Andrew said stupidly, not knowing where to start. He wondered if he asked nicely, whether Nathan would enfold him in that big bear hug of his and let him cry his eyes out. Which reminded him. “Hold on, I need to take my lenses out. My eyes are killing me.” He walked past Nathan, still standing silently in the middle of the room. His silence was beginning to be unnerving. A couple of minutes later, a brief struggle, and he was free from the lenses. Andrew splashed water on his face and looked at his reflection in the mirror. He looked wrecked. His face was so pale, the freckles were standing out in sharp relief and his eyes were red rimmed and swollen. Pasting a smile on his face, he walked back into the living room, 101

Sue Brown only to find a pair of arms enclosing him, and at last, his head was resting on Nathan‟s chest. “I—” he started, muffled by the folds of Nathan‟s shirt. “Shhh.” He felt rather heard the soothing rumble, and his head was stroked, much as he had stroked Colin a few minutes earlier. Andrew opened his mouth to speak again and instead found himself weeping into Nathan‟s chest, quiet sobs that escalated as he finally let out the hurt and anguish of the day. He found his hands clinging onto Nathan‟s shirt, his fingers tangling into the soft material as he sobbed out his pain and confusion. Nathan didn‟t say anything and didn‟t let go of him. Instead he maneuvered them backwards so that they were both sitting on Andrew‟s bed, then continued to hold him until the older man had wept himself dry. For a few minutes they stayed in the same position. Andrew was too exhausted to move, taking comfort from the reassuring sound of Nathan‟s heartbeat. He wondered if he should be embarrassed at breaking down so completely in front of his friend, but at that point, he didn‟t have the energy to really care. Finally though, Andrew raised his head and looked at Nathan. Nathan loosened his arms a little but didn‟t let go completely. “You look like shit,” he told Andrew bluntly. “I feel like shit,” Andrew agreed, moving back to run a hand over his face. Nathan let go of him and disappeared into the bathroom. He came back with a washcloth that he used to wipe over Andrew‟s face, holding his chin with one large hand while he passed the cool cloth over his eyes and cheeks. “That feels good,” Andrew murmured, letting Nathan care for him like he was a small child. Nathan paused for a minute while he rinsed the cloth out again, then another careful wipe of Andrew‟s face and he finished, patting him dry with a towel. “Feeling better?” he asked. “Much,” muttered Andrew, starting to feel a little embarrassed at how completely he had lost control. 102

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“Don‟t,” Nathan said. Andrew looked up, a little confused, as he hadn‟t said anything. “Don‟t be embarrassed,” Nathan repeated. “It looks like it‟s been a god-awful day.” Andrew nodded. “It has.” “Want to tell me about it?” Nathan walked over to where the coffee pot was. As normal, Andrew had made a pot ready to drink but forgotten it. Nathan poured two cups, dumping cream and sugar in his, and brought them back over to the bed. Andrew watched him, thinking that until he met Nathan he wouldn‟t have even had cream and sugar in his basement. He accepted his mug with muttered thanks and drank down a large gulp, ignoring the almost-pain as the hot, black liquid went down his throat. “You must have a cast-iron gullet,” commented Nathan, not for the first time. Andrew ignored him, concentrating on putting as much coffee inside him as possible before he had to speak. Nathan let the silence go on a bit longer, then he said, “So, you and Stephanie are finally splitting up?” Andrew nodded. “Yeah. Joe‟s asked her to marry him. He‟s kinda fed up with waiting. Can‟t say as I blame him.” “No, not at all. They‟ve been together for a while now.” He paused, then continued, “I can see you‟ve told Colin. And your parents?” “I was talking to her when it kicked off with Colin. Sorry about that, man, he was just really upset. I didn‟t realize he‟d seen us… at the campsite.” Nathan waved his hand in a dismissive gesture. “No worries, I understand, and it‟s not as if we haven‟t, uh, kissed. I, uh, wondered what he meant by, I made you cry.” Andrew felt his cheeks burning, and he picked at a loose thread on his duvet to avoid Nathan‟s gaze. “He caught me after you threw me out of the house, just before 103

Sue Brown New Year. He knew I was going over to your house. Colin caught me coming back a few minutes later, still with the drinks, and I, uh, was crying a little.” Andrew looked up and caught Nathan‟s startled gaze. “I was angry and upset,” he said defensively. “I‟m sorry,” Nathan whispered. “I had no idea. I was a complete asshole.” “In the past and forgotten about. I had forgotten it until Colin mentioned it. M‟ not normally such a pussy.” Andrew went ever redder when Nathan raised an eyebrow. “Except today, maybe.” Nathan slung an arm around him, hugging him tighter until Andrew relaxed against his shoulder. “Where are you going to live? At the studio? There‟s an apartment over the top, isn‟t there?” “Yeah, but I rent it out and the lease isn‟t due yet. I‟m gonna live with Gary for a while, until I can find a new place. Maybe move out there permanently.” Andrew let himself lean into the warmth of Nathan‟s side. He felt the arm around his shoulder tense up, then Nathan moved away. Andrew looked up, confused by Nathan‟s withdrawal. “You‟re thinking of moving to LA… permanently?” Nathan said very slowly. Andrew nodded. “I‟ve got some contacts there and it would be easier to start my business somewhere where I‟m known than starting afresh in a small town.” He couldn‟t read Nathan‟s expression, but from the twitch in his cheek, he would have said Nathan looked distinctly pissed off. “What about m… Colin?” M…? Me? “Stephanie is going to reduce her hours for a while. With Joe‟s money coming in, she‟s happy to take over the childcare until our boy is more independent.” Andrew chose to answer the question Nathan had actually asked, rather than the implied one. “I see you‟ve thought of everything,” spat Nathan, digging his hands into his pockets. “Hope so. Course, as long as the work comes in, I can keep driving or flying between here and LA, and Colin can come and visit 104

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me,” Andrew explained patiently. “Oh well, that‟s all right then,” Nathan stated. What am I missing? Nathan headed for the door. Andrew sat, stupidly frozen in place as the man he loved stormed out, while he wondered yet again what he had missed. Nathan laid one hand on the door when he paused, spun on his heel, and headed back to Andrew. He stood in front of him and yelled, “Tell me something? Were you going to tell me that you were leaving or were you just going to fuck off to Gary‟s and leave me to find out via the neighbors? When are you going exactly?” “Tomorrow, first thing,” Andrew said faintly, leaning back a little. “I phoned him and he‟s going to meet me in LA the day after tomorrow.” “So if I hadn‟t come over, would you have bothered telling me?” “Course I would have!” Andrew was getting mighty pissed off with everybody yelling at him today. He hadn‟t even started it! “Nathan, Stephanie only told me this morning. I knew I was going to see you today.” He scrubbed a hand through his hair. “What the fuck‟s the problem?” “Problem? There‟s no problem, Andrew. Why should there be a problem? You fuck off to LA, leave your family problems behind, leave m….” Nathan had his fists clenched now. Abruptly, Andrew stood up forcing Nathan to take a step back. “There‟s that „m‟ again. This is all about you, isn‟t it? You couldn‟t give a fuck about Colin or Stephanie. It‟s all about the fact I‟m leaving you here. Oh no, you‟re not walking out on me this time.” He yanked Nathan‟s arm as he tried to leave, forcing the taller man to stop in his tracks. “Take your hands off me,” Nathan spat at him. “What are you, some pissy virgin?” But he let go. “Jeez, I‟ve had my wife tell me she wants a divorce, I‟m losing my home, my mother wants the pastor to whip my butt like he used to.” Andrew nodded furiously at Nathan‟s shocked expression. “Oh yeah, you can see the 105

Sue Brown scars if you think I‟m lyin‟. My son won‟t speak to me because he thinks I‟m fucking the neighbor and running away from him, and the neighbor…. The fuckin‟ neighbor, or should it be the neighbor I actually did finally fuck, who runs away at every damn opportunity, is pissed at me because I‟m going to try and get my life back together. Tell me if I‟ve missed anything?” Andrew ran out of breath, his chest heaving as he tried to calm down. Fuck, he felt like he was going to stroke out. Nathan shook his head. “No, that just about covers it.” He looked stunned by Andrew‟s anger. Good! ’Bout time he stopped fucking thinking I’m some toy he could play with when he felt like it. “I‟m going to Gary‟s to think. You—you‟ve got a shit load of stuff to think about. I‟m ‟bout the last of your problems.” “But we need to talk. I need to talk about it,” Nathan said desperately. He grabbed Andrew by the arms, almost shaking him. Andrew shrugged. Talking was all he had been doing all day, and look how far that had got him. He looked at the man standing in front of him. God, he loved this man, and they needed to sort out whatever, but he just couldn‟t deal with it now. ”Nate, it‟s been a fuck-awful day and I‟ve got a long drive ahead of me tomorrow. Just go now.” “So that‟s it? We‟re over just like that?” Nathan‟s voice hitched slightly. Andrew looked at Nathan sadly. “We never got started, Nathan. A fuck, that was it.” “I don‟t believe you.” Nathan looked at if Andrew had punched him in the gut. “It was more than just a fuck.” His brother‟s words came back to him. A fumble in the dark! “Was it? You‟re a married man, Nathan, with a lovely wife and a beautiful baby. A straight man. I can‟t wait another ten years while you decide what you are. I did that once. His name was Matt. I waited two years, only for him to decide that he was more in love with his wife than me. It‟s time I did a bit of growing up as well. I‟m not going to wait any longer for someone else to decide my happiness.” Andrew saw the hurt overwhelm Nathan. 106

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Way to go, Drew. Kick the man when he’s down. Andrew watched as Nathan turned and walked out of his home and out of his life. The tears which hadn‟t been far away threatened to break out again, but Andrew sniffed loudly, refusing to give in. As he had told Nathan, he had a long drive tomorrow and he still hadn‟t packed. Bawling his eyes out? That could wait.

THE alarm went off like a klaxon in Andrew‟s ear at the asscrack of dawn. He groaned as he rolled over and reached out an arm to smack the evil thing into silence. Rolling onto his back, Andrew scratched his belly and idly wondered if mornings and alarm clocks had been invented by the devil as instruments of torture. He looked over at the lump in his bed next to him. It hadn‟t moved at all, and instead seemed to be snoring lightly under the duvet. Andrew swallowed hard as he regarded the lump. Colin had crept downstairs to the basement last night and asked if he could sleep in his dad‟s bed for a last time before he left to go to LA. Andrew had microwaved popcorn, and together they had drunk soda and watched their favorite movie before going to bed. As carefully as he could, he slid out of the bed and padded towards the bathroom for a shower. When he emerged, Colin was sitting up in bed, yawning and rubbing his eyes. He looked relatively clean for once, due to his father‟s insistence that he had a shower before climbing into bed. Colin looked at Andrew, his bottom lip trembling a little as he remembered what was happening that day. Andrew sat down on the bed and pulled Colin onto his lap, wrapping him in a bear hug. “I‟ll be back soon. I promise,” he whispered into Colin‟s soft hair. He could feel warm tears against his chest and added his own as the two of them thought about the coming weeks. “Will you come back for the start of school? Please Dad? You‟ve always taken me to school on the first day.” Colin sounded far younger than his years as he begged his father to come back. 107

Sue Brown Andrew hugged him tighter. It was a tradition, and he wasn‟t going to break it now. “I promise I‟ll be here. Pancakes at Bob‟s for breakfast and a ride to school afterwards.” “Is Joe going to be my daddy now?” Colin asked quietly. Andrew winced. Could he be stabbed any harder? “I‟m your daddy and always will be. He‟s just going to look after you when I‟m not here, Colin. You mind him because I say so, all right? I mean it!” Andrew added as he looked down at his son‟s mutinous face. Colin relaxed against him. “All right,” he huffed. “But I‟m not going to call him Dad.” Andrew squeezed him hard and got off the bed. “No, you aren‟t. That‟s my name. I gotta go, kiddo. I‟m sorry.” The tears threatened to break out again, but Colin nodded. “I‟ll go and get Mom,” he said, and ran up the stairs to the house. Andrew took a deep breath as he watched his son leave. Ah fuck, this is so hard.

THE SUV was loaded and there was no reason to delay his departure any longer. Andrew turned to say goodbye and found Colin waiting, almost on his heels. Andrew knelt down and hugged him silently, Colin‟s arms in a death grip around his neck, for long minutes. In the end though, he had to go. Andrew unpeeled Colin and handed him over to Stephanie. He gave his soon-to-be-ex-wife a kiss on the cheek, saying, “I‟ll phone you when I get there.” He was in the SUV and ready to go before he looked at Colin and saluted him with his best “I‟ll be back!” impression. Andrew grinned as Colin rolled his eyes. As he pulled away, Andrew looked in his rear view mirror. Colin was wrapped up in Stephanie‟s arms, but he was dry-eyed, determined to be brave for his dad. Out of sight of his family, Andrew wasn‟t quite so brave, and the tears flowed freely. 108

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He drove past Nathan‟s house. The blinds were drawn and there was no sign of life. Nathan was normally up at this time, getting ready for his run with the dogs. Andrew had never made it out with him, preferring instead the warmth of his bed. Just once, he wished that he‟d made the effort to get up earlier, to enjoy the morning sunrise instead of seeing it through a blurry haze of tears. He had one last thing to do before he left, something he hadn‟t discussed with anyone. Andrew pulled up outside the entrance to the park, their park, where they had run from the first neighborhood barbeque to play soccer with Colin and the dogs. Over the year more and more of the men had joined them, and the intimacy was lost, but it still had a special place in Andrew‟s heart. It was where he had felt alive for the first time in years. He recalled the conversation with Stephanie a couple of days ago. Suppressing any emotion had been easy and much, much safer. Then Nathan came into his life and then wham! The barriers were demolished with one arm around his shoulders and his nose smushed into the scent of sunshine and sweat. Andrew slid out of the SUV and walked through the gates. He paused, taking a deep lungful of the crisp morning air, and started to wander. He had no fixed agenda; he just wanted to walk and remember. He jogged briefly to reach the hill where Nathan had knocked him over. That was the point, Andrew realized, that it didn‟t matter what this man did, how he behaved towards Andrew: there was something special about Nate Peterson. Something that made him want to forgive all the hurt and the stupid misunderstandings he had caused Andrew. He stopped at the brow of the hill, pausing to regain his breath— okay, so he wasn‟t a fitness freak like the man who haunted his dreams. “You should come out with me a few mornings instead of lazing around in bed.” Andrew closed his eyes. This was unfair. Tormenting him like this. One quick visit and he would have been gone. “You don‟t even want to say hello?” The lazy drawl had changed to something sharper, almost pleading.

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Sue Brown Andrew opened his eyes and turned around. Nathan was leaning against a tree, the dogs by his side, panting hard. He looked flushed and sweaty, as if he had just run hard to get to this point. Andrew could see he was aiming for nonchalant by the way he was leaning casually against the tree trunk, but the tension was written loud and clear in the lines around his mouth and the dark shadows under his eyes. He stepped towards Nathan, opening his mouth to greet him. Instead he found himself giving a distinctly unmanly squeak as he was wrapped up in Nathan‟s arms, being turned and pushed against the tree trunk so that Nathan could force one muscled thigh between Andrew‟s legs. Andrew tried to protest—correction—Andrew tried to think of something to protest about, as without volition his hand snaked around Nathan‟s neck, pulling him in for a kiss. His other hand slid under Nathan‟s tank top, feeling the play of solid muscle under the damp skin. “Fuck!” Nathan groaned deep in his throat, the rumble reaching Andrew through their lips mashed together, their tongues slicking over teeth, then entwining briefly. Andrew could feel the rasp of Nathan‟s chin catching on his own stubble and the press of his body, huge and overpowering, forcing his back painfully against the tree bark. It was stupid and dangerous kissing out in the open like this, and Christ, Andrew couldn‟t bring himself to care. All he wanted to do was grind down on Nathan‟s thigh, bringing himself off as fast as he could. Nathan‟s hands were everywhere: cupping his face, sliding over his ass, undoing his belt and… oh, fuck… hands like that should be illegal in every state. His hand gripped Andrew‟s shaft and jerked him hard, thumb rubbing over the slit. Andrew was being manhandled, pushed so hard he was almost off his toes and hated it, loved it, fuck, needed it so damn much. In desperation he placed his hands on Nathan‟s shoulders to try and get some control. One more flick over the head and that was it; he was coming, spilling into Nathan‟s hand, almost sobbing with relief. Nathan raised his hand, didn‟t seem sure what to do with a palm full of spunk. Andrew bent his head and licked a trail through the mess. Nathan looked faintly revolted for a minute, until Andrew licked again, and again, long wet licks over his palm that made Nathan shudder and 110

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tremble underneath him. Slowly Andrew cleaned Nathan‟s hand, sucking each finger until there was nothing of himself left, then he kissed him, sharing the last taste. The kiss went on, and on, until Nathan‟s strength ran out and he lowered Andrew to the ground. Andrew‟s hands slid down his chest, rubbing at the taut nipples under the black tank top. “Wanna suck you,” he growled, his lips brushing Nathan‟s ear. Nathan shuddered. “God, yes!” Andrew looked out beyond Nathan. It was early, but people used the park for dog walking and jogging. They were in full view of anyone using this path, and much as he was now out and proud, Nathan still had to live here. A little late for caution, Andrew. There was a clump of bushes to one side of them, and he dragged Nathan off to a more secluded spot. The dogs followed, a little disgruntled at their walk being disrupted. The minute they were hidden Andrew spun round and advanced on Nathan, grasping the hem of the tank top, yanking it up and over Nathan‟s head. “Uh, Drew, are you going to strip me in public?” There was amusement in Nathan‟s voice as he was manhandled by Andrew. Andrew ignored him as he started kissing Nathan down his neck and down his chest, careful not to mark him, wishing he could bite and suck, to be allowed to claim Nathan as his. His tongue slid over a nipple, licking around it then tugging lightly on the nub as his fingers played counterpoint with its companion. Nathan was murmuring something, but Andrew couldn‟t quite make it out. He got the gist when Nathan started pressing urgently on his shoulders. Andrew continued his light sucking kisses down Nathan‟s torso, stopping just for a minute to appreciate the smooth, toned skin and the flat stomach there for him to touch. The night at the club had been all about mapping each other in darkness. Now was in daylight, real, and he was going to look, knowing he might never get another opportunity. He looked up to see Nathan staring fixedly at him, as if he too was trying to memorize everything that was Andrew Matthews. Andrew was lost in his gaze, overwhelmed by the darkness in his eyes. 111

Sue Brown “Need you. Need this,” Nathan whispered, breaking the moment. Andrew nodded and unceremoniously pulled down Nathan‟s running shorts. “Careful!” Nathan protested, and then his eyes rolled back as Andrew sucked him down. “Oh God, Andrew.” Andrew wanted. He wanted this moment never to end. He wanted to hear Nathan keening his name over and over as his tongue played over the head. Nathan was huge and hard and fuck he needed that in his mouth, relearning the taste, the feel of him. He took him as far as he could, until the head was nudging the back of his throat. Nathan had been restless, hands wandering over his face, his hair, and then as Andrew managed to take him all the way down, he suddenly stopped still, muttering, “God, oh God, oh fuck, please.” And he came, endless warm spurts down Andrew‟s throat. Nathan tried to pull back, but Andrew‟s hands cupped his ass, holding him in place until he‟d finished. Andrew let him go as he softened, just resting his cheek for a minute against the short hair, inhaling the smell that anchored him to this man. Nathan cupped Andrew‟s face, his fingers caressing his cheek as he came down from his orgasm. A barking dog in the distance startled him, suddenly making Andrew aware how vulnerable they were. Reluctantly, he tugged Nathan‟s shorts up and hunted around for the forgotten tank top. Nathan spotted it and picked up the top, shaking hard to dislodge the leaves and twigs clinging to the material. He grinned at Andrew. “I‟ll look like I‟ve been rolling around in the bushes.” Andrew grinned back, then the thought of what they had been doing hit them both and he watched as Nathan‟s gaze turned hot and hard and God, did he want so much more from this man. This wasn‟t enough. “Andrew, I have to….” Andrew took a step back. “You have to go.” It wasn‟t a question. Nathan nodded. “I don‟t want to, but….” His eyes looked worried, and it was that more than anything that prevented Andrew 112

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from walking away as he was going to be deserted yet again. This was why he couldn‟t stay, always being left behind for the family. He needed more than that now. He shrugged, seemingly indifferent. “I understand, Nate. Gotta get on the road anyhow. Long drive ahead.” Nathan looked at him helplessly as they started to make their way out of the bushes, Nathan whistling for the dogs, who‟d wandered off when they got bored. Tyler and Ruby ambled up to them, pleased to be on the move again. As usual, Mollie was off doing her own thing. Silently they walked towards the gates where the SUV was parked. Andrew tried to think of something, anything to delay the moment of separation, but his stupid, senile, fuckin’ useless brain was blank. “Six months.” “What?” Andrew frowned as Nathan suddenly stopped, holding onto his arm to prevent him leaving. The younger man‟s gaze bored into him, pleading with him to listen. “Give me six months.” Oh! Andrew shook his head. “Nate, I‟ve been through this. No more waiting for everyone else. Isn‟t ten years enough?” He looked at Nathan. The man was very pale and he was swallowing convulsively. Andrew noticed a slight sheen in his eyes. “I love you,” Nathan blurted out. Closing his eyes against Nathan‟s earnest face, he wondered why God was making this so much harder for him. “I love you too, Nate.” He looked around. There was no one in sight, so he risked a quick brush of his lips against Nathan‟s. He wasn‟t quite sure why he was worrying about a kiss, considering what they had just done. “But it doesn‟t change the fact that I‟ve gotta sort a life out for me.” “In LA.” Nathan was frowning, a deep line between his brows. “Maybe,” Andrew agreed, ignoring Nathan‟s angry stare. “I‟ll be 113

Sue Brown back in a couple of weeks, at least for a while. I promised Colin I‟d be around for the start of the new school year, and I‟ve got the business to wind up.” “Why can‟t you live in Castleton, near your son, and yeah, near me?” Nathan said stubbornly. “Go on like we were before, you mean?” Andrew said, his voice rising in his anger. “Trips to the park, nights out to the club? Is that enough for you, cuz it isn‟t for me. Or maybe that‟s what you want. I can be your fling on the side, your bit of excitement when things get too tame at home.” Nathan‟s face was white and pinched. “That‟s unfair.” “Is it?” He could be blunt too. Nathan exhaled loudly, as if he had been holding his breath. “Fuck, Drew, what do you want from me? Do you want me to walk away from my wife and my son, not to mention my job, which I trained long and hard for and I‟m good at?” “I… I… hell, I don‟t want you to hurt Alex and Daniel, but yeah, I want you for myself. In my bed, in my life—all the time.” The anger in Nathan‟s eyes died away at Andrew‟s admission. “But I don‟t want to keep waiting for something that‟s never going to happen. I‟m so damned tired of waiting. I want a relationship. I‟m nearly thirty and I‟ve never had a real relationship with anyone.” “I don‟t want to live in LA. It‟s too far away from Daniel,” Nathan blurted out. Andrew‟s eyes opened wide. “Nate?” Nathan licked his lips as if he were suddenly nervous. “Go away for a while. Get your head straight. I‟ll see you when you get back. Just… don‟t make any big plans without talkin‟ to me first, please?” There was a strange feeling in the pit of Andrew‟s stomach, strange and very scary. He thought that maybe, this time…. He nodded, his eyes locked on Nathan‟s, then he turned towards the SUV. Time to go. “Say hi to Gary for me. Tell him to keep his hands off,” Nathan called after him, the lazy Texan drawl warming his heart. 114

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He smiled as he kept on walking. “No promises. A guy‟s gotta have some fun while he‟s waiting.” “Huh!” Andrew was sure he wasn‟t meant to hear the “Not with my man.”

NOTHING had ever happened in Andrew‟s life that he had control over. He‟d always been at the end of someone else‟s puppet strings. From the moment he had announced he thought he might be gay, his mother had controlled his existence. He had been lectured, beaten, and finally compelled into a marriage he didn‟t want, because he hadn‟t been brave enough to take a stand against his momma and say, This is who I am: Andrew Matthews, gay man. And here he was, twenty-seven years old and just taking those baby steps out into the world for the first time. Driving away without looking back, and leaving behind his son and the man he loved, at least for a while. It wasn‟t the end, but it certainly was a new beginning. It was time the needle came down to start a new song.

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“M‟BACK,” Andrew called out as he backed into the hallway with a large bag, a tripod, and a camera balanced precariously in his arms. “Did you get the beers? I can go out again if not,” he said, not waiting for a response. He tried to kick the door shut, cursing as it banged back against him, almost sending him flying. “Here, let me help you.” Two large hands reached over him, taking the bag and tripod. “Gary is in the kitchen with Gabe. There‟s plenty of beer if you get there before those two.” A large warm body pressed up against Andrew for a brief moment, bringing with it memories that Andrew had done his best to repress. Then it moved away, leaving his heart stuttering in his chest. “Na, Nathan?” Andrew turned slowly to see the man who haunted his dreams standing in front of him, holding the camera equipment in his arms. He was smiling a little diffidently at Andrew, as if he wasn‟t too sure of his reception. Christ, he looked wonderful, and packing even more muscle if that brief touch was any indication. “Hi,” Nathan said huskily. “I—you—uh—” Andrew stammered, unable to form a coherent sentence, flushing as Nathan raised an eyebrow, obviously amused by the gibbering wreck in front of him. “It‟s good to see you too. I drove in with Gabe. Arrived a couple of hours ago.” Andrew frowned. “Gary didn‟t say you were coming.” Nathan looked embarrassed. “I asked him not to. Wanted it to be a surprise. I hoped you‟d be pleased to see me. You are pleased to see 116

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me, aren‟t you?” he asked uncertainly. “Yeah, course,” Andrew muttered. Of course he was pleased to see him. It‟s just he could have done with some warning so that he could have prepared himself, gathered some defenses. Not been so stupid when they met again. God, he didn‟t want to make polite conversation. He wanted to fuck him senseless here, now, on the crappy carpet in the hallway that smelled of beer, cigarettes, and the stray cat that seemed to like coming for a visit. Like that was gonna happen. Why the hell was he here though? Nathan‟s smile had faltered. “M‟sorry, dude. I didn‟t think. I, uh, can find a motel or something.” He ran a hand through his hair, making it stick out all over the place. Andrew wanted to smooth it over like he would for Colin. “Sorry dude, it just threw me for a loop, seeing you there. ‟Course I‟m pleased to see you. How are you? And Alex and Daniel?” Andrew hurried to reassure him. Nathan looked uncomfortable. That was understandable. He was talking about the wife he‟d been unfaithful to with Andrew. “They‟re fine. You don‟t mind me being here, do you? I mean, it hasn‟t been six months yet.” Like Andrew needed reminding of the promise Nathan had extracted from him. Actually it had been four months and twelve days, but who was counting? He could probably do the hours too if he were asked. Why was he here? “Honestly, it‟s fine. Let‟s get rid of this crap and grab a beer.” He led the way to his bedroom. A brief tussle with the closet monster and the equipment was packed away. Andrew shut the door on the mess and turned to look at Nathan, who was staring at him. He waited for a minute, but Nathan didn‟t say anything and his expression didn‟t change. “What‟s the matter?” he asked, fidgeting a little under the scrutiny. “You‟ve changed,” Nathan commented quietly. Andrew frowned. “Hair‟s a bit longer, I suppose. More freckles from the sun.” 117

Sue Brown Shaking his head, Nathan said, “That‟s not it. You seem freer, more…” His tongue tied over the next words. “More obviously gay.” Andrew snorted. “I am gay, dude. You of all people should have got the memo.” “But you didn‟t seem like it before.” “Not living in suburbia now. Can be a little more open, I guess. I spent half my life trying to fit into the hetero fatherhood ideal. Can you blame me for wanting to break out?” Andrew‟s voice got sharper as he concluded. Nathan walked over and laid a hand on his arm in a soothing gesture. “I didn‟t say I blamed you, or minded. You look great. Those blond highlights really suit you. I just need to adjust, that‟s all.” “But you wouldn‟t be seen walking down the street with the queer,” Andrew said bitterly, not really placated. It didn‟t matter what happened between them, it seemed. Nate would never cope with the idea of being gay, or even bi. Andrew was kidding himself if he thought any different. “Yes, I would, with you,” Nathan said simply, leaning forward and kissing him. Andrew clutched at Nathan‟s shirt, dragging him closer so that every part of that hard muscled body was flush against Andrew‟s own, and fuck, if the boy didn‟t feel larger and harder than ever. All the issues, all the worries, were forgotten in his desire to touch and feel Nathan Peterson once again. “Don‟t.” Kiss. “Fuck.” Kiss. “With.” Kiss. “Me!” The kissing got more savage as the hissed order came to an end, and Andrew could feel Nathan‟s fingers digging harder into his back. “Want you,” Nathan was moaning against his lips, and then it was just their lips touching as they ripped buttons in their haste to get undressed: no finesse, no subtlety, just an urgent desire for skin. Nathan wasted no time, once they were both naked, in lifting Andrew in his arms and flinging him on the bed. Andrew‟s squeak was swallowed up as Nathan clambered on top of him and ground his mouth down on his once more. “Fuck!” Andrew moaned into his mouth and bucked up under 118

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him, the action making their dicks slip and slide against each other. “Christ! Stop that or I‟m gonna come.” Nathan was virtually biting through his lip. Andrew smirked wickedly, wriggling a little, and Nathan fucking growled, desperation vibrating against Andrew‟s mouth. The smirk disappeared when Nathan snapped his hips against Andrew hard enough that Andrew hissed sharply and had to shove a hand down between them to grab onto the base of his cock. “Gotta problem, Drew?” Nathan asked as one hand stroked the smooth skin of Andrew‟s side and hip. Andrew didn‟t bother to answer, couldn‟t concentrate on getting “off” and “fuck” into a coherent sentence. Instead he pushed on Nathan‟s shoulder, hoping he would get the picture. There was a brief pause as Nathan realized what Andrew wanted, then he obediently shifted down the bed so he could focus on the matter at hand. A long lick from balls to tip had Andrew flying off the bed. Only Nathan‟s large hands pinning Andrew‟s hips stopped him, and then he was clutching at sheets, pillows, anything he could get his hands on as Nathan swallowed him down. “Fucking fuck!” he shrieked, not caring that he could probably be heard by half the apartment block. Nathan may not have done this to him before, but he‟d obviously been taking notes. Every trick and twist that Andrew had done to him was being returned with interest, and shit, what was that with his tongue? He keened at the loss as Nathan pulled off, and the next thing he knew Andrew was being rolled onto his stomach with a pillow under his hips. “What the…?” He tried to look over his shoulder. “Nate, are you sure ‟bout this?” Nathan looked back at him, lips swollen and glistening. “Want me to stop?” “Fuck, no.” “Then shut up and let me get back to business.” Andrew shut up, any lingering concerns silenced by the warm 119

Sue Brown tongue licking his spine. It followed the curve of his spine until it reached his ass. There was hesitation and then there were hot kisses over one cheek, then the other, down until that wicked tongue was lapping at his balls. Andrew found he couldn‟t breathe out, couldn‟t speak, couldn‟t think beyond now, please now. The air was stuck in his chest as his balls were sucked into welcoming heat. His whole world was narrowed down to this bed and this man. He found himself moaning into his pillow as Nathan licked the thin skin behind his balls and moved up until the tongue was rimming him, licking him open, over and over, the hot, sweaty, gross horniness of it making him shove back into Nathan‟s face. Nathan didn‟t seem to pay any attention, just licking and stabbing until Andrew was begging him to let him come now, please. “Filthy mouth on you, Drew.” “Filthy tongue on you, Nate. Now put it back where it belongs,” Andrew managed to choke out. Nathan gave a short laugh. “Gonna beg?” “Please,” Andrew begged. He was a man in need, and at the moment he‟d sign his life away if it meant he‟d get that tongue back where he needed it. “Love hearing your voice. Rough and fucked out,” Nathan said before he did what he was asked, rimming and sliding it in as far he could get until Andrew was almost whining in excitement. Andrew needed more. “Fuck me,” he ordered. “Yeah.” Andrew reached over and grabbed the lube and condoms from the nightstand, and then there was a finger and two preparing him, opening him up for that huge cock. “Fuck, your fingers are huge,” he muttered. Nathan slid one hand around to splay possessively against the slight swell of Andrew‟s belly while Andrew rode his fingers. “Too much for you?” he asked, his lips mouthing at Andrew‟s neck. “Never,” Andrew choked out, feeling fingertips skate across his prostate. He cried out at the loss as Nathan withdrew his fingers. Nathan lifted Andrew up slightly, then rammed him back down onto his cock. 120

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“Jesus!” “Fuck!” They both swore as the sensation hit them, and then all bets were off as Andrew grabbed hold of the headboard to give him a chance, while Nathan gripped his hips tight enough to leave bruises and thrust and pumped, finesse and rhythm shot to hell as he plowed into Andrew. Andrew gasped as his balls tightened, and then he let go with one hand to bring himself off, white streaks shooting over the headboard and pillows. He felt rather than heard Nathan groan as his own orgasm hit him, and he ended up sitting in Nathan‟s lap as the other man shuddered and panted in his ear, eventually slumping against his back. It was several minutes before either man had the energy to move, Andrew enjoying the slick intimacy of Nathan‟s body wrapped around his. In the end Nathan had to move as a cramp threatened his thigh muscles. They separated, Andrew stumbling over on shaky legs to find a towel to clean up. He threw it at Nathan and climbed back on the bed. Nathan cleaned himself up and reached out a hand for Andrew, pulling him down into to cuddle on the bed. “Really ought to go and say hello to Gabe,” Andrew commented, making no move to leave the security of Nathan‟s embrace. “Soon,” agreed Nathan. Andrew closed his eyes, just for a minute. Gabe could wait.

HE WOKE up, for a moment unable to process why there was a hot, sweaty someone curled around him in his bed. Then he remembered and the broadest smile crept across his face. Nathan was here in LA and he had sucked, rimmed, and fucked Andrew into next week. No wonder Andrew‟s ass was sore. He didn‟t want to move, but nature was calling and Nathan‟s hand was splayed across his belly, pressing on his bladder, making the need rather more urgent. In the end he gently wriggled free, smiling as Nathan snuffled into the warm space left behind. He pulled on some sweatpants and a T-shirt and wandered out in search of the bathroom and beer. 121

Sue Brown Andrew could hear Gabe and Gary playing Guitar Hero in the main room. He cleaned up as best he could and went into the living room. The game had obviously just finished because Gabe looked up, a big grin spreading across his face. “Finished saying hello to Nate?” Andrew flushed a little, but merely said, “Yeah,” and went off in search of beer. He slumped down beside his roommate a few minutes later, bottle in hand. “Didn‟t tell me we were gonna have guests this weekend,” he reproved Gary mildly. Gary raised his hands in surrender. “I got sworn to secrecy. Nathan wanted it to be a surprise.” “Yeah, got that bit.” Andrew gave Gary a look that said he deserved better than that. Gary nodded, a little apologetically. “Where‟s my boy?” asked Gabe as he scratched his leg. “He‟s sleeping.” Scarlet crept up Andrew‟s face again, but he kept his composure. Gabe gave a chuckle. “I‟ll bet he is. S‟been a busy week for Nate, what with finding out about the baby an‟ all.” Andrew wondered if it was possible to shatter into a million pieces without anyone noticing. Certainly neither Gabe nor Gary seemed to have realized he was lying here broken. He could hear Gabe babbling away about Nathan and Alex and the baby. Baby. Nathan and Alex were expecting another baby and he hadn‟t realized. He had thought—there was pain in his chest—foolishly, as it turned out—that Nathan had finally decided he wanted to be with him. Stupid, stupid… nobody ever wanted him. Pain, hurt… someone was whimpering, gasping for breath, needed them to shut up so he could die in peace…. “Andy?” Pain— “Andy?” Why did Gary keep calling his name? 122

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“Andy, buddy, look at me.” “What‟s wrong with him? Why isn‟t he talking?” Andrew could hear Gabe talking. He sounded panicked. Andrew wanted to ask why, but really, the pain in his chest was rather dominating his thoughts. “He‟s hyperventilating. There are some paper bags in one of the kitchen drawers. Go and get one for me.” “Andy, concentrate on my voice.” Gary sounded very calm. Andrew liked calm. Perhaps he could sweep up the pieces of Andrew‟s heart and throw them away, then Andrew could rest. “Andy, breathe into the bag” He was trying, goddamnit, but the pain was too much. …breathe… …breathe… …breathe… …less pain… “Good, s‟kay now. You‟re doing good.” Gary‟s hand was rubbing soothing patterns on Andrew‟s lower back. “With me now?” Andrew nodded and leaned against Gary. A glass of water was pressed into his hand, and he sipped it slowly. He looked up to see Gabe‟s worried face inches from his. “Sorry for the scare,” he apologized weakly. Gabe patted his arm. “Jeez, that was scary. I thought you were having a heart attack. You all right now, dude?” “Yeah, it looks more dramatic than it is. M‟okay now.” “But why did you have… oh fuck, you didn‟t know, did you? He didn‟t tell you. The stupid fucker didn‟t tell you about the baby!” Gabe‟s voice was rising in agitation. Andrew gasped as his chest gave another twinge. Gary hugged him closer and said, “Shut up, Gabe. He needs to keep calm now.” “Sorry,” Gabe muttered. “But….” “Didn‟t know ‟bout the baby,” Andrew confirmed, wishing he could go and lie down on his bed. 123

Sue Brown “What‟s going on?” Nathan‟s sharp voice cut across Andrew‟s thoughts as he looked at Andrew in Gary‟s arms. “Drew, what‟s happened?” Andrew ignored him and turned to face Gary. “I need to make a phone call. Would you call me a cab?” “Sure.” Gary nodded and helped Andrew get to his feet, supporting him when he swayed slightly. “Drew, where‟re you going? What‟s going on?” Nathan asked uncertainly. He could have been in a different state for all the attention anyone paid him. “Make sure he‟s gone by the time I get back,” Andrew told Gary. “I‟m going to Rich‟s for the night.” “Rich? Who‟s Rich? Andrew, why are you leaving me?” Nathan moved forward as if to stop Andrew from leaving the room. “Get out of our way,” advised Gary, with a hint of disgust in his voice. “I told him about the baby,” Gabe said quickly, before Nathan could say anything else. Andrew watched Nathan‟s face crumple. Any hope that it had all been a big mistake vanished, and with Gary‟s help, he pushed past him and went into his room to find his phone. The room stank of sex. Their sex. Andrew wanted to puke. Without a word, Gary pushed Andrew down onto the bed and went and opened a window. His phone was on the nightstand where he had thrown it earlier. Gary dialed the number and gave it to Andrew when it started to ring. “Hi, Andy?” Andrew clutched at the phone tightly as he heard Rich‟s surprised voice. He tried to speak but his throat had clogged up. “Are you all right?” Gary pried the phone out of his hand and spoke. “Rich? Yeah, good, thanks. Listen, Andy needs a place to stay overnight. Okay if I pack him off to you? He can get a cab.” There was a pause, then, “I‟ll let him tell you. ‟Bout fifteen minutes. Yeah, see you then.” He put the phone back where he found it and started rooting 124

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through Andrew‟s drawers. “He‟s picking you up.” “What? No, I mean, I can get a cab,” Andrew protested. Gary shrugged. “Rich insisted, and for once I think he‟s right. These clothes okay?” he said, showing Andrew what he‟d shoved in a small bag. Andrew nodded listlessly. He was too tired to argue with Gary. There was a quiet tap at the door and Nathan walked in, Gabe hard on his heels. If he‟d had the energy Andrew would have laughed at the way Gary positioned himself so he was between Nathan and Andrew. “What do you want?” Nathan halted just into the room. “I just want to talk to Andrew,” he said to Gary. Gary snorted. “Should have tried that a couple of hours ago, son. Kinda late now.” “I didn‟t mean… I just wanted…” Nathan tried. “A goodbye fuck?” Andrew pushed himself wearily to his feet. “S‟okay, Gary. I get it, Nate, honestly I do. You came to tell me in person, suppose I should be grateful for that.” Nathan pushed past Gary to stand in front of Andrew. He reached out to hold him, but stopped when he saw Andrew flinching away. “I didn‟t come for that. I wanted… I wanted to explain why….” “Way to go with the explanation,” Gary grunted. “Shut up, Gary.” They both said it. “I just wanted to see you again,” Nathan said helplessly. “She… I can‟t leave her with two babies. But when I saw you….” “Whatever.” Andrew was tired of being reasonable and he didn‟t want to listen to excuses. He grabbed his bag and phone and pushed past Nathan for the second time, shrugging off the hand that Nathan stuck out to detain him. The doorbell rang. Andrew went to answer the door. As expected Rich was on the other side, his face schooled into a concerned 125

Sue Brown expression. He pulled Andrew into a quick hug and dropped a kiss onto the top of his head. “Thanks for coming so quickly,” Andrew muttered, burying his face in Rich‟s shoulder. He felt Rich stroke his head. “No problem. You ready to go?” Andrew nodded and went to leave without bothering to say goodbye. “Please Andrew, don‟t go. We need to talk.” Schooling his face, he turned to Nathan. “I get it, really. You can‟t leave your wife and you‟re a decent man. But I‟m not going to wait or pretend anymore. Go back to your wife and kids. I won‟t bother you again. I‟ll be back tomorrow. Make sure you‟re gone. Bye, Gabe.” He turned to Rich. “Let‟s get out of here.” Rich slid his arm around Andrew‟s shoulder and steered him out of the apartment. It was almost worth it to hear Nathan‟s furious “Who the fuck‟s Rich?” and Gary‟s “None of your fucking business,” as the door closed behind them.

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Chapter 11

HE

WAS going to puke, he was going to pass out, he was going to

goddamn do something pussy as soon as he stepped foot on the driveway of the house he used to call home. Andrew‟s knuckles marbled white as the car pulled into the street and he could see his old house with an unfamiliar blue Impala parked in the driveway. “You okay?” God, if he heard that question one more time…. It was too fucking late now. Andrew could see Colin barreling around the corner of the house to greet the car as it pulled up behind the Chevy. He could hardly say “Take me home,” could he? A warm hand rested on his clenched fists and squeezed gently. “Come on, let‟s get inside. You‟ll feel better once you‟ve had a drink.” Obediently, Andrew got out of the car, only to be engulfed in the arms of his son. His son who had suddenly grown another four inches it seemed, and was reaching up beyond his shoulders already. Automatically his arms went around Colin, holding him close, and for a few minutes he buried his head in the slightly greasy hair of his son, happy to hold him for the first time for in months. They didn‟t speak, Andrew feeling his son‟s shoulders shaking a little against his chest. He just held him a little tighter and closed his eyes. “Colin, are you going to let your father get in the front door?” The familiar disapproving tone of his mom penetrated their embrace and Andrew sighed, knowing he had to face the world again. Colin sniffed and raised his head, a mischievous twinkle in his eye, and grinned at his dad. “She‟s pissed with me cuz I got there first. She‟s been telling everyone she should be the one to welcome you 127

Sue Brown back. She just wants to show that she‟s cool.” At Andrew‟s bewildered expression, he said, “Yeah, that‟s what we thought, so Mom made sure she was busy until you arrived.” Andrew grinned back at him, joining in the younger Matthews‟ conspiracy. He slung an arm around Colin‟s shoulders and turned to greet his mom, knowing he couldn‟t put off the moment any longer. “Mom, you‟re looking more beautiful than ever.” He kissed her on the cheek. She smelled of lilies and roses. She gave him a warm smile, and Andrew could see Ruth was really trying to be pleasant in the face of what must have gone against everything she believed in. Only the slight purse of her lips belied her true feelings. Andrew turned to the man who had been waiting patiently on the other side of the car while the greetings were taking place. He beckoned him over and the man moved to stand on the other side of him. Taking a deep breath, Andrew took his hand and said, “Mom, I want you to meet my boyfriend, Rich.” Rich held out his hand to the woman. Andrew held his breath as she hesitated and then took it, saying, “I‟m pleased to meet you at last, Rich.” “I‟m pleased to meet you as well, Mrs. Matthews.” Rich‟s voice was light and pleasant, showing no signs of nerves as he faced his boyfriend‟s openly homophobic mother for the first time. She gave him a tight smile. “Please call me Ruth. Everyone does.” Andrew eyed her warily, more concerned by just how pleasant his mother was being than her normal hostile behavior to his homosexuality. Still, her friendly facade showed no sign of slipping as she led the way into the house to greet Stephanie and Joe, and that left Andrew completely unnerved. Andrew slipped his arm around Rich and followed Colin and Ruth into the house, unable to stop himself looking over at number twenty-four, to see if there was any sign of life. Rich caught the direction of his gaze and he flushed guiltily, but his boyfriend just nodded and gave him a reassuring smile. They clasped hands as Colin shooed them into the kitchen, and for the first time in over two years, 128

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Andrew stood in his old kitchen, surrounded by his family.

NATHAN watched Andrew‟s homecoming from a distance—a long distance, since Stephanie had made it very clear to him that, despite their friendship, he wasn‟t welcome anywhere near the King/ Matthews household for the duration of Andrew‟s visit. Only it wasn‟t, was it? It wasn‟t just Andrew‟s visit. It was Andrew and Rich. Rich and Andrew. Drew and Rich. Any way he said it, it fucking sucked. So now he was watching from his bedroom as Andrew slid out of the new Mercedes and stretched his back. The driver did the same thing, and Nathan wanted to puke as he watched the concern on Andrew‟s boyfriend‟s face. It grated on Nathan‟s nerves that even from a distance he could see Rich was a good looking man, the sunlight catching the red glints in his dark hair. From all accounts Rich was a good man and he adored Andrew. He was older than Andrew, about forty, and a successful accountant. He and Andrew had been together for nearly two years, which Nathan guessed tied in with his disastrous visit to LA. It was nearly two and half years since Nathan had been able to be near Andrew. Now it was Andrew‟s thirtieth birthday and he had come home to celebrate with his son. Colin barreled around the corner of the house and into the arms of his father. Reaching teenage years hadn‟t dampened his exuberance, or his need to be filthy dirty from head to toe. Nathan watched with a smile as Andrew kissed his son and hugged him closely, his son almost as tall as he was. Nathan could only guess at how much the separation from Colin had affected Andrew. Nathan could see Colin talking away, and then he saw Mrs. Matthews standing at the front door. He noticed Rich coming around to say hello as well. The smile slid off his face when he realized how pleased Colin was to see Rich. He watched as Andrew put his arm around Rich, and if that didn‟t turn the knives in his guts, Andrew looking over to his house briefly did. The breath hitched in Nate‟s throat as he drew back, not wanting to be seen, 129

Sue Brown wanting to be caught, wanting and hurting as the three of them walked into the house. The boyfriend saw it, though. Nathan stayed at the window until they were out of sight. He wasn‟t sure if Andrew had looked over to the Peterson house again, just briefly, before going inside. His daughter snuffled in his arms. Nathan patted her back, soothing her gently until she fell back to sleep. Andrew looked happy. Nathan was pleased for him. God knows, something good had to come out of that mess. He turned to find Alex watching him from the doorway. “Andrew‟s home,” he said. “Perhaps you‟ll stop staring out of the window now,” she snapped and stalked downstairs. Biting his lip, he trailed after her, Jess cradled in the crook of one arm. Daniel was playing at the bottom with his toy trains. Alex kicked one out of the way as she marched through, ignoring the disgruntled wail of her son. Nathan hurried down the stairs and retrieved the small engine from under the hall table. “There you go, buddy. No need to cry,” he murmured as he handed it to Daniel. His son calmed down immediately and continued with his game. Nathan ruffled his hair affectionately and left him to it as he followed his wife into the kitchen. Alex was wiping down a counter. She was scrubbing it so hard he was sure it was his face she was wiping away. “What was that for?” he asked shortly. “You didn‟t have to take it out on Daniel.” She refused to answer him.

IT WAS nearly five hours later before Andrew managed a quiet word with his ex-wife. Stephanie had shooed Colin into bed with the promise he could stay up late the following night, Ruth and Nick had taken 130

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themselves over to meet Nathan and Alex‟s new baby, and Joe and Rich were comparing golf courses and handicaps in the den, formerly Andrew‟s living area. Andrew was nursing a Jack Daniels and watching Stephanie as she prepared food for tomorrow‟s cookout. He couldn‟t get over how familiar it all was. They had spent many an evening like this, Andrew putting Colin to bed while Steph cooked and prepared for the next day. “Like old times,” she commented as she chopped onions, every few minutes adding to the growing mountain in front of her. He nodded. “It is. Nice. I don‟t get enough of this, really. We don‟t really eat in that much in LA.” “Do you cook at all?” She rubbed at her eyes as the fumes got too much. Shaking his head, Andrew took a sip of his drink. “Not much. Rich gets wined and dined so much, I just tend to eat out with him, or snack if I‟m not going.” Stephanie chopped another onion and pushed it over to the pile. “Do you think we have enough?” she asked. “For the party, or for the entire population of Castleton?” “Heh! I‟m not having Allison criticizing how much I feed my guests.” She worried at her bottom lip as she surveyed the prepared food. “She‟s not coming too, is she?” he asked in mock-horror. Smirking, Stephanie threw a piece of onion at him. “Did you really think I could keep her away when she heard you were back in town? It was all I could do to stop her coming over tonight. The entire street is coming tomorrow.” “Except Nathan.” “Except Nathan,” she agreed. Andrew traced the pattern of the glass with his fingertips. “It‟s not really fair to keep him away.” Stephanie looked up. “I don‟t care about fair. I care about you. I care about you enjoying your birthday party with our friends and your 131

Sue Brown man. Nathan can go to hell.” Looking at the determined expression on her face, he had no doubt she had said something like that to Nathan. “Thank you, Steph,” he said softly, touched by her protectiveness. They had worked so hard to protect him following his breakdown. All his friends and family had, even his mother in her own way by not asking too many questions. They had not mentioned Nathan‟s name once to him in over two years. Even when he tried to bring it up, they would change the subject. Gary had made it clear that Gabe wasn‟t welcome while he was still friends with Nathan, which put paid to that relationship. Andrew still felt guilty over that, despite Gary‟s assurances that it had only been for fun and sex. And tonight, when Alex wandered over with the invitation to see the new baby, a little unsure of her welcome, they had crowded around Andrew, not letting Alex in the house until they were sure Nathan wasn‟t with her. He had almost had to force his way out of the crowd to give her a hug and a promise that she could bring the new baby while he was in Castleton. She seemed… strange around him, stiff and tense, although her words were friendly enough and she seemed okay with the idea of his mother descending on her house. He would have given a lot to see Nathan‟s reaction to Ruth on the doorstep. “How is Daniel coping with a new baby sister?” Stephanie grinned. “I don‟t think at four months she‟s really made that much of an impact on him.” Andrew frowned. Four months sounded wrong. If Alex was pregnant over two years ago, she must be older than that. “How are you? Really, I mean,” Stephanie interrupted his train of thought. Andrew looked up. “I‟m okay,” At her skeptical look, he said, “I‟m doing better. Good days and bad days, y‟know?” He picked restlessly at the label on the bottle of bourbon. It was a habit that used to drive his ex-wife mad during their faux marriage. He smiled as she took the bottle away from him, placing 132

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it on the counter behind her. “Most of the time I can cope.” “Rich said you‟re seeing a therapist now. Is it helping?” He shrugged, thinking of the recent session he had endured with the man who looked like a reject from the seventies and was very fond of asking, “How are we today?” This drove Andrew mad. He wanted to point out that if this was a mutual therapy session Andrew should be charging an extortionate amount as well. However, it made Rich happy, and he supposed it helped—a bit.

IT WAS five thirty a.m. and Nathan was done staring at the ceiling. He slipped out of bed, careful not to disturb Alex. It was still dark, but he couldn‟t sleep. He decided to take the dogs for a run in the park before the children woke up and demanded his attention. It was just the two now—Mollie had died a year previously. It only took a few minutes for him to slip on his running shoes and leave the house, both dogs glued to his heels. They received little enough attention these days and would enjoy the chance of a childfree run. Nathan felt like pounding out the frustration and misery for miles. He ran through the neighborhood, mile after mile eaten up and his mind still a tumult of anger and more anger as he thought of Andrew and the devastating effect he had wrought on Nathan‟s life. Moving to Castleton had seemed like such an adventure. A new wife, a new baby, and a brand new career he had worked so hard to get. A new neighborhood with new friends. And now? Eaten up by jealousy, unfaithful to his wife, wanting Andrew so much he could scream and not allowed to come within ten feet of him. Why didn‟t they slap him with a restraining order at the same time? And why was he the bad guy? Andrew had been all over him before he‟d had a chance to do more than discuss his hair, and they‟d been bickering then. Fuck! Pace. Fuck! Pace. Fuck! Each step another expletive. Nathan pounded through the park, paying little attention to anyone or anything, the dogs taking the opportunity to follow their 133

Sue Brown familiar scent trails. Nathan tended to do a circuit, so they knew he‟d come back towards them. He ran up the hill, biting his lip to try and prevent the images of Andrew against the tree flashing in slow-mo through his head. He crested the brow of the hill to discover the dogs already there, milling about happily as Andrew scratched their ears. Andrew… patting his dogs… Andrew. “What do you want?” Nathan wasn‟t in the mood to play nice, he was angry, damn it. He didn‟t feel any better seeing Andrew‟s raised eyebrow. “You.” Ah fuck, there was nothing that could have got to Nathan more forcefully. “That is… I want to talk to you.” Talking? Shoulda done that years ago, buddy. “I shouldn‟t have walked out on you like that.” Ya think? Nathan was gritting his teeth so hard his jaw ached. “It was… I was…. Nathan, are you going to say something or are you just going to twitch angrily at me?” Andrew stood up and starting walking towards him. Nathan backed away. “Where are your guard dogs?” Andrew grinned and Nathan was once again struck by just how stunning he was. “In bed asleep if they have any sense. I knew the only chance of getting to talk to you was now.” His face turned serious. “I really do want to talk to you, Nate.” “Why now?” Nate was still too angry over the way he had been treated to fold after one pleading glance. “Because I wasn‟t well enough before.” Andrew stretched out a hand, but Nathan took another step back. No way did he want to be touched. Touching led to not thinking, and not thinking led to other things that Nathan definitely didn‟t want to consider. “You‟ve been ill?” Andrew had been ill and not one of the fuckers had thought to tell 134

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him? Nathan‟s stomach roiled at the idea. Frowning, Andrew asked, “Didn‟t Stephanie tell you?” “Tell me what?” Nathan cursed as his voice rose in anger, “Drew, no one‟s mentioned your name in months. I‟m not allowed to even say your name.” “It‟s the same here. I guess they thought it was for the best. I had….” Andrew paused. “A breakdown. I suppose you could call it that.” Nathan stared at him open-mouthed. “Because of me?” Andrew snorted loudly. “Arrogant much?” Not in the mood for a stupid brush-off, Nathan persisted, “Was it because of me, because of what we did?” “Fucking, you mean?” Andrew shrugged. “In part, I guess.” At Nathan‟s look he said, “I‟m joking,” “Not funny, dude.” “It wasn‟t funny at the time,” admitted Andrew softly. “So. What. Happened?” The dogs were milling about, confused by Nathan‟s sudden hostility, and Andrew was lost in his own world of pain. And Nathan? Nathan was about thirty seconds from either punching Andrew or kissing him. Neither of which would help his cause. Andrew looked up, confused. “Uh, I had a breakdown, as I said. I walked out of Gary‟s and didn‟t go back.” “Where did you go?” Although Nathan had already guessed the answer. “I stayed with Rich until I could work again.” Andrew paused, lost again in a world of his own. Nathan sat down on a damp patch of grass and waited. Andrew looked uncertain for a minute, then he too sat down. Strangely, the dogs seemed reassured by this and wandered off to inspect the trashcans for any leftovers. It was several minutes before Andrew started again. Nathan had waited patiently rather than trying to prompt him. 135

Sue Brown “I don‟t really know where to start,” he said eventually. “Tell me why you had a panic attack.” It seemed as good as place as any. “I don‟t really know. It was shock I guess. One minute you were fucking me senseless, the next I was hearing you were having another baby and everyone was so damn calm about it. Like it was okay to be screwing me while Alex was knocked up.” “You didn‟t exactly wait for the local gossip,” Nathan pointed out, stung by the implication it was all down to him. “You didn‟t exactly push me off,” retorted Andrew. Nathan stared into the distance, the part of his mind still functioning checking where his dogs had vanished to. “I didn‟t want to. I needed… something.” Andrew sighed softly. “I needed too. I needed you and I thought that‟s why you were there—to be with me forever. Stupid of me, really. My luck has never been that good,” he said without a trace of bitterness. “When I realized it was just a goodbye fuck, well, my mind shut down. My therapist thinks I was catching up with adolescence.” Nathan blinked. That was a new one. “I spent most of my teenage years hiding the fact I was gay from Mom, then dealing with a new baby and marriage. I never really did adolescence. He thinks I just needed to have some time out. And I did. I lay in my bed, cried a lot, stopped eating, acted like a teenage girl until….” “Until?” “I realized there was a man who made me feel good about myself.” Andrew looked over at Nathan, who noticed how his eyes went soft as he discussed his partner. Nathan frowned. He‟d thought Andrew had only been out with Rich. “Rich…?” Nodding, Andrew smiled again, a tender smile, as he thought of his boyfriend. Nathan wanted to knock it from his face. “I‟ve known him for years, but I just had to rethink how I thought about him. He held me, fed me, said nothing until I was prepared to listen, and then 136

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got me back to facing the outside world as a grown-up again. I owe him so much.” Shame warring with anger, Nathan listened. “Why didn‟t they tell me? Gary, Joe, Steph? I had no idea. You were ill and they didn‟t think I‟d want to know?” He didn‟t want the other man to see the anger on his face. Nathan looked up to find Andrew staring at him wide-eyed. His face was so pale every freckle, every mole, stood out in stark relief. “And if you‟d found out? What then? You‟d have come running to me and stayed with me forever?” “Drew, I….” But as he watched, Andrew gave him a sad, cynical smile. “It doesn‟t matter now. What‟s done is done, Nate. They thought it was for the best. I couldn‟t have handled you trying to be nice to me.” “But….” “I‟m over it now. Back to being a big boy. And I‟ve found love with a wonderful man in the process.” Andrew‟s face softened. Nathan opened his mouth to speak, but Andrew interrupted him. “Nate, I want you to come to the cookout. To show everyone that time has moved on.” Hell no! Nathan wanted to keep his balls intact. “I don‟t think that‟d be such a great idea, do you?” He shifted restlessly on the damp ground, trying to stretch his legs out. Stopping so suddenly after his run had made his muscles cramp up a little. Nathan wasn‟t prepared for Andrew to suddenly slide between his legs and place his hands on one of his thighs. “What the fuck d‟ya think you‟re doing?” “Shut up and let me work.” Andrew was frowning as his long fingers sought out the knots in the thigh muscles. “I just need to stand up.” Nathan was almost squirming in his attempt to get away from Andrew. “Andrew, get off!” He pushed back and scrambled to his feet. “What the hell was that for?” Clenching his jaw, he glared down angrily at the other man. “You have a cramp,” Andrew pointed out unnecessarily. “I was only trying to help,” 137

Sue Brown “You… we… touch… things happen.” He was a teacher. He could put a coherent sentence together. Yeah, but not with Andrew so close to his dick. “They did happen.” Andrew emphasized the past tense. “Come on, Nate.” He held up a hand to be pulled to his feet. Automatically, Nathan yanked him up. “This is important. It will show everyone that there is nothing between us.” The two men stared at each other in silence. The park was so quiet Nathan could hear Andrew‟s rapid breathing. “You mean that?” Nathan said eventually. “You don‟t feel anything for me at all?” “Just friendship,” Andrew assured him. “And we can show everyone that so they can back off and give me—us a chance to get to know you again.” “Friends, then. Who hold hands.” Andrew looked down to where their hands were still clasped. He had a death grip on Nathan‟s hand. He let it go hastily, but Nathan sighed. “Who‟re you trying to convince, Andrew? Them or yourself? Enjoy your party.” Ignoring Andrew‟s stricken look, he whistled to the dogs to attract their attention. It was time to go home and not look back to see if Andrew was watching him. He could do that.

GRADING papers sucked at the best of times. Grading papers when your thoughts kept wandering a few hundred yards away sucked big time. Nathan took off his glasses and rubbed wearily at his temples. He‟d been staring at thirty different variations of “What I‟m going to be when I grow up” for over three hours. In fairness, the answers weren‟t all the same. The boys all wanted to blow things up—yes, Principal Skinner, Mr. Peterson was still starting fourth grade by blowing up the classroom. He was, however, on first name terms with everyone at the 138

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Castleton‟s Fire Dept. The girls were a little more inventive, but none of them seemed to have any ambition beyond Castleton. It was depressing. It was quiet in the house. Both kids were with Alex over at number twelve, and save for the snuffles of the dogs, there was no other noise to derail the train of his errant thoughts. The meeting with Andrew had unnerved him. He would have jumped at the chance to join the party if he hadn‟t had to deal with the twin guard dogs, Gary and Stephanie. Nathan wasn‟t sure which one of them had the sharpest teeth, and he wasn‟t about to find out. Damn it, he needed a break. Taking a soda from the fridge, he wandered out into the back yard. It was chilly but not unbearable, and he sat on the step looking out over the yard. Over the last year he had put a lot of work into designing a child-friendly environment, and it was beginning to pay off. Not a moment too soon. Daniel showed signs of taking after Colin and Bobby, with their propensity for mud and mayhem. Should he discourage his son from playing with Andrew‟s kid? Maybe they should move away from here. Start again in a new neighborhood. He could hear the noise of the party out here. Shouting and laughter. Soon the men would get restless and they‟d escape to the park with the kids. Nathan could feel his cheek twitching. Tyler had draped himself over Nathan‟s feet. Absently Nathan scratched him behind the ears and the dog closed his eyes in ecstasy. A sudden noise round the side of the house disturbed them both. Tyler sat up, growling a little. As Nathan went to get to his feet, Ruby shot past him, barking loudly. “Hey, Ruby. Where‟s Tyler?” Hearing his name, Tyler took off after the other dog. Nathan frowned upon hearing Colin‟s voice. He followed the dogs and met Colin at the corner of the house. The boy was flushed as if he had run a long distance. “Hey, Mister P. We‟re off to the park. Come on.” “But—”

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Sue Brown “Peterson, get your ass out here,” Nathan‟s jaw dropped. Gary was yelling for him? Instinctively, he covered his balls. Colin giggled at him. “Gotta problem, Mister P?” “Hell yeah, um no, uh….” He trailed off as Colin gave him a knowing look. “Don‟t worry. Dad‟s put Gary on a leash. He‟s promised not to upset Momma and the neighbors this weekend.” Gary‟s head popped round the gate. Nathan took a step backwards. It didn‟t matter that the guy was half his size. He‟d always been scared shitless of him. “Didn‟t promise any such thing, Colin. But I won‟t bite, Nathan… for now.” Nathan would have been more convinced if Gary hadn‟t bared his teeth as he smiled. Bastard was fully aware of the effect he had on Nathan. “Colin, get the mutts out here. The boys are getting impatient,” Gary ordered. Tyler and Ruby pushed forward eagerly, but Nathan laid a hand on their collars to stay their exit. “Wait.” They looked up at him, confused by the changing commands. “Just get your ass out to the park,” Gary said wearily. “The boys want to play and they want you there. He wants you there. I‟ll play nice for his sake.” Backed into a corner, Nathan realized he‟d been left with little option but to spend the afternoon down at the park. Grading papers or playing soccer? What the fuck was he waiting for? He didn‟t have to go near Andrew, Rich, or Gary at all. “I‟m just gonna lock up the house. Colin, come and get the leashes. Gary, grab the dogs.” Within a few minutes he was on the sidewalk joining the others. Daniel had been holding Andrew‟s hand, but at the sight of his dad, he let go and ran over to him. “Danny!” 140

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Nathan used the distraction of picking his son up to get over the awkwardness of seeing Andrew and Rich. Daniel giggled happily and started to tell Nathan all about the ice cream Colin had been feeding him. As far as Nathan could tell, it seemed to consist of candy, candy, and a little ice cream mixed in. “Did your mom see you eating all that candy?” Daniel shook his head. “Not candy. Ice-skeam. Colin tol‟ me,” he said importantly. His father looked over at Colin, who gave him a wide-eyed innocent look. Nathan rolled his eyes at him and turned back to his son. “Bet it tasted yucky, huh?” “Oh no, Daddy. It tasted yummy.” Daniel continued to try and convince his dad as they walked down towards the park. Nathan had just got onto the subject of cabbage-flavored gummi worms as they walked through the gates. “That‟s gross, dude.” Gary grimaced as Nathan put Daniel down to run off and join Colin and the dogs for a tumble on the grass. Nathan opened his mouth to reply when Andrew walked up to him, Rich close on his heels. “Nate, this is Rich.” He was a good-looking guy. A shade under six foot (Nathan got a childish stab of satisfaction that the man had to look up to him,) red hair, gray eyes. He was fortyish but wore it well, and he gave Nathan a friendly, open smile as they shook hands. Nathan wanted to hate Andrew‟s boyfriend, if only to make him feel better, but Rich was a genuinely nice guy who seemed to have no problems with meeting the man who had caused his boyfriend‟s breakdown. “Nathan. Cool, they dragged you out at last. Get over here. You‟re on my team. Colin, come on. We need to whup your dad‟s ass!” Michael ran up and threw the ball at Nathan. Within minutes he found himself running beside Rich and Colin with Andrew and Gary on the opposing side. For a while he put all the problems and awkwardness to one side as they played soccer until they 141

Sue Brown were all exhausted and flaking out on the grass. Claiming he was too old to play, Jim had remained on the sidelines looking after Daniel and the dogs. As the men relaxed, he passed out chilled bottles of soda and water. “Whaddya want, Nate?” “Water, thanks, Jim.” Gary dropped down beside him. Nathan ignored him for a few minutes as he watched Colin playing with Daniel and the dogs. He could feel Gary fidgeting beside him. Eventually he lost patience. “Whatever threats or warnings you want to make, just get it over with.” “Do I need to make any threats?” “Not from where I‟m standing, Gary. I stayed away like you wanted. And being here now wasn‟t my choice.” From where he was sitting, he could see Andrew cuddling against Rich as they talked to some of the neighbors. “I know. Wasn‟t mine either. If I had my way, you‟d never have gotten within ten feet of him.” Nathan heard the steel in his tone. Gary, it seemed, could only play nice for so long. He said as much. “Just making it clear to you that if you even think about getting your bat polished again, it isn‟t going to be from my boy.” “That‟s the thing, isn‟t it, Gary? He isn‟t your boy anymore. You‟ve lost your fuckbuddy just like I have.” He turned to give Gary a vicious smile. “Have you two finished your pissing contest?” A coldly angry voice startled both of them. Nathan looked up. Andrew and Rich were standing over them. Andrew looked furious, his lips pinched so hard Nathan could see white all the way around. Rich said nothing. Wise decision. He stared at the ground, wondering which one of them would storm off this time. “Yeah, think so. Nate and I have talked about you and decided you ain‟t worth it, so we‟re going to get drunk instead.” Nathan jumped 142

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as Gary dropped a heavy arm over his shoulders. It tightened in an unspoken warning. Andrew‟s eyes widened and then he burst out laughing, reaching down to whack Gary around the head. Gary cowered dramatically. “Ow! What was that for, and why didn‟t Nathan get hit?” “He didn‟t just tell me I wasn‟t worth shit,” Andrew pointed out. “He didn‟t? You didn‟t?” he asked Nathan. Nathan shook his head. “No, I think you‟ll find you insulted him that time all on your own.” Gary grimaced. “Damn, it‟s much more fun being rude about him with someone else. Where‟s Gabe when you need him?”

AN

HOUR later the crowd in the park reluctantly decided to depart back to the women in their life, and the party. Even Jim hadn‟t seemed anxious to get back to Allison and her clipboard. As they approached the house, Andrew could see Nathan looking over at him and then away. It took him a few minutes to realize that Nathan wasn‟t sure if the park invitation extended to the house. “I‟ll wait for you while you deal with the dogs, Nate,” he called out, looking over at Rich for his approval. His boyfriend nodded, and Andrew left his side to go and stand by Nathan. Colin joined him, carrying Daniel in his arms. The toddler had almost dozed off, his face buried in Colin‟s neck. Gary shrugged and led the rest of the men around the side of Joe and Stephanie‟s house to the backyard. Nathan took Tyler and Ruby around the back and let them into the kitchen. After a few minutes, he rejoined Andrew and Colin. Daniel was still dead to the world in Colin‟s arms. “Want me to take Daniel off your hands?” he offered. “I know how heavy he is.”

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Sue Brown “He‟s fine.” Colin held onto the little boy protectively. Andrew hadn‟t realized that, despite the decade between them, Colin and Daniel were very fond of each other. There was a twinge as he acknowledged he hadn‟t been around to see their growing friendship, and no one had thought or even wanted to mention it to him. He wondered how many other things he‟d missed. He smiled at Nathan. “Let‟s see if Gary has left us any beer.” “Can I—” Colin started. “No!” both men interrupted. Stephanie looked at the sulky expression on Colin‟s face as they entered the house. She raised an eyebrow at Andrew, who mouthed “beer” at her. “Ah. Let‟s put Daniel in the study. We can hear him when he wakes up.” Colin followed Steph into the study and laid the sleeping boy on the sofa. The two men watched as they placed cushions all around him to prevent him rolling off. “I‟ll keep coming back to check on him,” Colin promised Nathan. “I hadn‟t realized the boys were so close,” Andrew commented to Nathan as Colin ran off into the kitchen in search of a non-alcoholic drink. Nathan gave a small grin. “I can‟t quite work it out either. They‟re more like brothers than neighbors. I guess it will change when Jess gets on her feet and Daniel actually realizes he has a sister. Colin‟s gonna discover girls at some point as well.” “God help us,” muttered Andrew. “He‟ll have to discover soap and water first. Beer?” “Hell yes.”

“HOW‟RE you doing?” Hunting in a large bucket of melting ice for a beer, Andrew turned to find Rich right behind him. He smiled at his boyfriend and pulled 144

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him in for a hug. “I‟m fine. You?” He buried his nose in Rich‟s neck, enjoying the warmth and faintly spicy smell of his cologne. Rich nuzzled in close, making Andrew feel warm and protected. “Better now that you‟re not making me run around that park. I‟m far too old for that.” Andrew looked up and leered. “Oh yeah? Are you too old for other things at well?” Rich gave him a wicked smirk, his eyes crinkling at the corners. “Want to find somewhere quiet and find out?” He subtly rubbed up against Andrew. “Fu….” Andrew bit back the moan that bubbled to the surface. “Any time, Mr. Andrews. As long as it‟s far, far away from my momma.” “How far does that have to be?” “At least two states away,” Andrew said, only half joking. Rich sniggered as he leaned forward for a kiss. “Better be later then.” “Later,” Andrew agreed, his hands sliding over Rich‟s ass to pull him closer. As he kissed Rich, part of his brain was amazed at his boldness at making out where anyone could see: his mom… Nathan…. “You don‟t have to do this, you know?” Rich whispered in his ear. “Do what?” Andrew asked, moving his head so that his lips rested against Rich‟s. “Make out so publicly. You don‟t have to prove anything to anyone.” Andrew pressed into the kiss. “Maybe I want to,” he said, rather breathlessly. “I‟ve never been able to do it before.” Okay, so maybe part of him was acting like a rebellious teenager, but no one complained when Stephanie kissed Joe, did they? Apart from his mother, of course. He really hoped his mother had seen this. He risked a quick look up. Nathan was watching from the kitchen doorway. He had witnessed the whole exchange. Good, Andrew thought. Nathan needed to see this. 145

Sue Brown In Andrew‟s mind he‟d had this idea that, if only his friends could see him acting normally with Nathan, things would go back to the way they were before he left for LA; he could be just friends with him, despite their mutual attraction. He gave Rich another kiss and stepping back, waved Nathan over. “Want another beer, Nate?” Nathan nodded and took the bottle Andrew handed over to him, flinching as their fingers met briefly. Andrew pretended he hadn‟t noticed and rummaged in the bucket for another two bottles. Handing one to Rich, he asked, “Is Daniel still asleep?” “Out cold. Colin ran him into the ground. ‟Course, he‟ll be up all night if he sleeps too long.” Nathan took a chug of his beer. “I‟ll wake him up soon and give him a snack.” “Not sure Daniel was the only tired one. Look!” Rich pointed to the open door of the study. Gary and Colin had curled up on the sofa next to Daniel. They‟d started playing on Colin‟s Xbox, but had fallen asleep mid-game. Gary was snoring open-mouthed. It wasn‟t a pretty sight. Andrew spotted Jess, cradled in his mother‟s arms. She‟d just been fed by Alex and was hiccupping gently against his mom‟s shoulder. Ruth patted her back gently, her face soft as she murmured sweet nothings to the tiny girl. Rich followed the direction of his gaze. “You have a beautiful baby, Nathan.” “We do,” Nathan agreed. “We‟ve been very lucky with our kids. We missed your magic touch with the photos though, Drew. The other man was good, but somehow it just wasn‟t as good as your photo of Daniel.” “Cameras are in the car. Want me to come over before we leave tomorrow?” Nathan‟s head snapped around to stare at him with dismay. “You‟re going back tomorrow? So soon?” At Andrew‟s confused look, he went red. “I guess I thought you‟d stay here for a few days.” “I have a meeting on Monday,” Rich explained. “And Andrew‟s 146

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got a shoot.” “You‟re able to work again?” “Yes.” Andrew didn‟t elaborate. It was for a gay magazine, and he distinctly remembered the last time Nathan saw one of his photos in a skin mag. Nathan frowned and seemed about to question him further when Joe wandered up. “More beer?” he asked, waving his empty bottle around. “In the bucket, although you‟ll need some more soon. You don‟t want Allison complaining,” teased Andrew. Rich frowned. “Allison?” “Small blonde.” “Scary matching sweaters.” “Clipboard.” His brow cleared as the other men spoke at once. “The one complaining about the length of the grass in the yard?” Joe nodded. “You‟ve got it. My mowing skills don‟t match Andrew‟s. She‟s always moaning at me. Last week it was the weeds in the front bed.” Nathan spluttered as he choked on his beer. “You too? She gave me hell about some pretty weeds. I thought they were flowers.” As he watched the two men swapping horror stories about their encounters with Allison, Andrew felt a twinge of jealousy. This was his world before Joe moved in. Now Joe had his house, his son, his friends, and even his scary neighbors. He was happy in LA, but sometimes— often, if he was being honest—he missed the life he‟d left behind. A touch on his arm caught his attention. He looked up to see the understanding expression on Rich‟s face. Immediately he felt guilty, even if he had nothing to feel guilty about. Rich pulled him in closer. “We‟ll come back more often,” he whispered in Andrew‟s ear. Andrew took a deep breath. It was okay. He could deal with it. He wasn‟t alone anymore. 147

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ALEX was blind drunk and giggling. Most of them were. It didn‟t seem to bother Ruth though, which Andrew didn‟t understand, because if there was one thing he could count on it was his mom‟s disapproval of sex, alcohol, and anything entertaining, especially where Andrew was concerned. Yet here she was, without pursed lips and pointed comments. He shivered a little and Rich tightened his arms. Andrew tilted his head to press a kiss on Rich‟s jaw to reassure him. “I‟m fine. Kinda tired, that‟s all.” It hadn‟t escaped his notice that Nathan‟s fingers had tightened around his beer bottle. Alex was talking quietly to his mom about Jess. Andrew was about to ask Nathan about the discrepancy with Jess‟s age when Ruth spoke. “She‟s beautiful, Alex. Are you and Nathan going to have any more children?” The young woman laughed. “I expect so. Nathan will want a ton of kids to play with.” Andrew stole a look at Nathan‟s face. It was strangely blank for such an expressive face. Mrs. Matthews pressed a soft kiss on the sleeping baby‟s forehead. “I always wanted more grandchildren, but Andrew and Stephanie didn‟t seem to want any more.” Stephanie pressed her lips together. It was an old and frequent complaint of her ex-mother-in-law. “You know why we didn‟t have any more, Momma.” “I know, but since you had Colin, would it have killed you to have another one?” So, not so much of a personality transplant then. “Andrew and I didn‟t have that kind of relationship.” Steph was obviously trying hard not to lose her temper with Ruth. Andrew could feel his cheeks starting to heat up. He could feel the tension in Rich‟s arms as they encircled him. 148

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His mom gave a sigh. “You should have more been like Alex, instead of encouraging Andrew‟s… illness.” “Andrew‟s gay, not sick, Ruth,” Stephanie snapped back automatically. She took a large swallow of her drink. “What do you mean, more like Alex?” The three men watched as Alex gave a sloppy grin. Idly, Andrew remembered the number of times Steph had gotten trashed similarly at these events. Since being with Joe, she didn‟t seem to feel the need any more. She was happy and relaxed, and it showed. “Getting pregnant would have kept him with you, dear, instead of going off to be with that man.” Joe snorted loudly. Andrew uncurled his fingers where they were digging into Rich‟s arm. He caught Nathan giving him a sympathetic glance. “For your information—” Stephanie started hotly. “Or you just say you are.” Alex hiccupped into her glass. “More wine?” she asked, waving the glass at Stephanie. “Here. What do you mean, say you‟re pregnant?” Stephanie refilled Alex‟s glass. She looked over to where the three men were standing stock-still. It didn‟t seem like Alex even knew they were there. Alex shrugged. “Nathan was going to leave me for Andrew. I heard him talking to Bob about it, so I pretended to be pregnant. I knew he wouldn‟t leave me with two kids. It was easy enough to say I‟d lost it and then try for another one later. I wasn‟t gonna lose what was mine.” Andrew wondered if Rich could hear the thundering of his blood in his ears as he tried to breathe out. He watched the color drain out of Nathan‟s face, leaving him so pale he wondered if the younger man was going to pass out. The thought had obviously occurred to Joe, because he had gone to stand next to Nathan and was talking to him, his hand on his arm. Andrew couldn‟t hear what he was saying through the rushing in his ears. They were like clockwork figures with the key taken out, all staring at the woman who had made such a devastating drunken 149

Sue Brown confession. Nathan was staring at his wife as if he‟d never seen her before. Rich was holding onto Andrew as if he needed supporting. If Andrew had been thinking straight, he would have given a cynical smile as his mom rocked the baby and smiled approvingly at the woman who had hurt him so badly. Acceptance of his sexuality obviously only went skin deep. No one was moving except Alex as she poured herself another glass of wine. Andrew wasn‟t looking at Ruth at all. His gaze was locked on Nathan. Selfishly, the only thing he could focus on was the idea that Nathan had been leaving Alex to live with him. He had planned to leave. Nathan had wanted Andrew.

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Chapter 12

NATHAN could feel himself shaking as he left the house, his distress making it difficult to think clearly. He didn‟t know where to go; all he knew was he didn‟t want to run into Alex any time soon. He couldn‟t guarantee responsibility for his actions. “Come on.” Andrew‟s voice behind him calmed the whirling in his head for a minute. He let the older man take his arm and lead him around the house and into the basement. Once inside Andrew pushed him onto the sofabed. Nathan watched as Andrew ran up the inside stairs to the house and locked the door. The whirling in his head was matching the churning in his stomach. Nathan concentrated on the weave in the denim of his jeans. When that didn‟t help, he closed his eyes to try and get a grip on himself. He felt the bed dip as Andrew sat down beside him. “Drink this.” The smell of strong liquor assaulted his nostrils just before he took a gulp. Nathan coughed and spluttered as it burned a path down his throat, but it did the trick, calming the roiling in his body. “More,” Andrew urged, as he rubbed comforting circles on Nathan‟s back. He probably didn‟t even realize he was doing it, Nathan thought as he obediently drank some more. “‟Nough,” Nathan said, as Andrew tried to get him to drink again. He was in better control of himself now. “Sure?” Nathan looked up at Andrew. He seemed to want to say something but was struggling to find the words. Eventually he looked 151

Sue Brown over at Nathan. “Is it true?” “What?” Nathan said stupidly. “You were going leave her and be with me. You wanted me?” The open pain in Andrew‟s large eyes was almost unbearable. Nathan nodded. The implications of what they‟d just heard were hitting them both hard. “She must have heard me talking to Bob ‟bout it. He‟s been, he was, giving me a shoulder to lean on. I had no idea that she‟d even realized there was something between us.” “You‟re kidding me, right?” Andrew gave him a disbelieving look. “A blind man could have worked out there was something going on.” “What?” Nathan felt he was on a stupid loop. Andrew sat down beside him again, more space between them. “You and I, we‟re not exactly subtle. Silly arguments, not speaking, we‟re either in each other‟s pockets or in each other‟s pants. Alex isn‟t stupid. She was bound to work it out.” “But to pretend to be pregnant….” “She was protecting her family, Nate. She hasn‟t got much and she wasn‟t going to let go of what she had without a fight.” “Why are you defending her after what she did to us?” Nathan wanted to murder the bitch and Andrew was defending her? Andrew sighed and said, “There was no us. There was you and she. I understand why she did it. If you… had been mine, I wouldn‟t have let you go either.” His hand slid over Nathan‟s and their fingers laced together. “I had it all planned. Mom and Dad agreed to help me support Alex and Daniel while I got settled with you. Then, just as I decided to tell her, she tells me she‟s pregnant and I couldn‟t do it, couldn‟t leave her with two babies.” “No, you couldn‟t,” agreed Andrew, squeezing Nathan‟s hand gently. “I wanted to tell you. Came to tell you,” he amended. “Then we 152

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got… distracted, and you left and I….” He trailed off, not sure what to say. “Didn‟t give you a chance, did I? I‟m sorry. Rich gave me a lot of grief about walking out on you like that.” Nathan found that rather hard to believe under the circumstances. Andrew caught sight of the look on his face. “I know what you must be thinking.” Nathan sincerely hoped that wasn‟t the case or he would be in trouble. “But Rich thought I ought to contact you. He tried to talk me into calling you for months.” “So why didn‟t you?” Nathan asked, his voice harsh against the hurt of Andrew‟s admission. He was surprised when Andrew knelt in front of him. Andrew took the glass away and enclosed Nathan‟s hands in his. “Because you had a new baby on the way, Nate. I couldn‟t take you away from Alex. I loved you, but your family was more important. They needed you.” Nathan was drowning in Andrew‟s gaze. He dragged his eyes away and stared at their hands, his larger ones enclosed by Andrew‟s pale long fingers. “Don‟t say it.” He didn‟t want to hear admissions of love now. “You don‟t need me now that you have Rich?” Andrew‟s fingers tightened almost painfully and his voice, when it came, was raw, exposed. “Don‟t ever mistake the love I have for Rich for what I felt for you. I needed you, fuck knows I need you… needed you.” He stumbled over the slip. “But you were never mine and you never once told me you wanted me, just me. And I was so damn tired of being second best.” Nathan looked up, only to be torn apart by the pain in those huge eyes. He watched a single tear trail down Andrew‟s cheek. He pulled one hand free to wipe away the tear. “And now?” 153

Sue Brown Andrew gave him a smile that almost reached his eyes. “Now I am with a man I love very much—and no baggage—and you have two wonderful children and a wife you have to learn to love again.” “Do you love him more…?” Andrew placed one finger against his lips. “You don‟t have the right to ask that, Nate. Just be happy for me.” “You don‟t have the right to ask that, Andrew. You‟ve left my life in tatters. I was happy before I met you. We were happy, me and Alex.” “And now?” Andrew echoed his question. “I feel like a got a chance to win the lottery only to be told it was a mistake, that someone else had the winning ticket.” Giving him a rueful smile, Andrew said, “Welcome to my world.” There was a gentle knock on the outside door. “Andrew? Is Nathan there? Is he all right?” Stephanie sounded anxious. “He‟s fine. Just washing up,” Andrew called out. “Give us five minutes and we‟ll be out.” “Okay.” They heard her move away and Andrew moved back a little to give Nathan some space. “Thanks,” Nathan said shortly. Andrew sat back on his haunches. “No problem. We‟d better get back though. We‟ve probably already got the gossip started.” “Fuck ‟em.” The short response put a genuine smile on Andrew‟s face, and for a brief moment lessened the knot under Nathan‟s breastbone. He leaned forward and chastely laid a kiss on Andrew‟s mouth. Taken by surprise, Andrew‟s lips opened under his and the kiss changed from chaste to something else, not sexual, more desperate and clinging. They knew it was goodbye, but neither of them was willing to let the other one go. They didn‟t get any closer, knowing the inevitable consequence of touching each other. He could feel Andrew shaking under his mouth, and he pulled back, trying to get himself under control. 154

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“Time we stopped.” Andrew nodded in agreement, his blue eyes unfocused and his mouth red and swollen under Nathan‟s kisses. “Just….” Nathan paused as he tried to sort his thoughts. “Don‟t deny how you feel about me. None of that „no feelings‟ crap. This…” He brushed Andrew‟s lips with his fingertips, “…proves differently.” “No more lying,” Andrew promised. Nathan stood up, pulling Andrew up with him. “Be happy, Drew.” “And you, Nate.” Somehow this raw goodbye really was the most honest conversation they‟d ever had.

MR. RICHARD ANDREWS AND MR. ANDREW MATTHEWS INVITE MR. AND MRS. NATHAN PETERSON AND CHILDREN TO JOIN THEM AT THE GRANDE

HOTEL

TO CELEBRATE THEIR MARRIAGE

IT ARRIVED in the mail, a small, white, innocuous-looking envelope. There was the date, the time, and in Andrew‟s untidy scrawl underneath, he‟d written, “If we can’t do it for real, at least we can have a huge party. Look forward to seeing you all there. Colin says he’ll look after Daniel.”

THE phone call followed on the heels of the invitation. “Hey, heard your boy‟s getting himself the ball and chain.” “Gabe.” He should have expected this. “Got an invite to the bachelor party, or should it be bachelorette, as Droopy‟s definitely got himself a sugar daddy?” “Gabe!” Nathan snapped out his name in a warning don’t push it, 155

Sue Brown buddy growl. As always, Gabe chose to ignore it. “Do ya think he‟ll wear a dress, or pink, or…?” Nathan let out his breath. Getting annoyed with Gabe was a complete waste of energy. “Do you actually want something, dorkwad, or are you just calling to annoy me?” “That‟s just a bonus. Was calling to let you know Joe and Michael will take you to LA. It‟s all organized. You just have to look pretty— pretty vacant that is.” He burst into cackles of laughter. Nathan just waited patiently for him to finish. “I don‟t know that I can go yet. I haven‟t discussed it with Alex,” he said in a non-committal tone. And he wasn‟t going to either. There was no fucking way Nathan was going to LA to go clubbing with Andrew. Clubbing, dark corners, both of them with the control of Daniel on his tricycle. There was a pause at the other end. “You‟re not coming, are you?” Gabe knew Nathan far too well. “No, I‟m not.” “What about the wedding?” Nathan shook his head even though Gabe couldn‟t see him. “I doubt it. We can‟t afford to stay there and it‟s too far to drive there and back in one day.” “You could stay at Gary‟s place, or Andrew‟s,” Gabe suggested. Feeling like he‟d taken a punch to the gut, Nathan said, “I don‟t think that‟d be a good idea, do you?” “Guess not,” Gabe agreed. “We‟ll, uh, catch up. Later, dude.” Nathan was left listening to the dial tone.

ALEX answered a knock at the door as Nathan was in the middle of class planning, the dining room table covered in books and charts. 156

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“Nate?” Alex poked her head round the door. “Stephanie wants to know if dinner Friday night is okay.” “Yeah, that‟s fine.” Nathan didn‟t look up from his paperwork. “And Joe wants to know what he should wear for the bachelor party. He‟s never been to a club in LA.” She sounded puzzled, as indeed she probably was. He hadn‟t mentioned the wedding to her at all. Nathan looked up. “Tell him I‟ll come over later, after I‟ve done this.” Alex frowned. “Nate….” “Later, Lexi, I‟m busy.” He went back to his work, his eyes firmly fixed on the planner in front of him. He heard her muttered growl of frustration and then footsteps back to the front door. Nathan exhaled slowly and swallowed hard against the emotions building up inside him. He heard the front door shut, and then Alex was at the doorway. “Are you going to explain what all that was about? What bachelor party? More to the point, who‟s getting married?” “Andrew.” “Andrew?” she repeated. “That‟s the one. Now if you‟ll excuse me….” “Oh no, Nathan Peterson, you don‟t get out of it that easy. He‟s getting married and you didn‟t tell me?” “Why the hell would I, after everything that‟s happened?” he yelled at her. Alex stared at him, and then asked quietly, “Did he send an invitation?” Nathan nodded, tired of the conversation. “He did. I threw it away. Do you really think I want to see him get married?” “Ever thought he just might want you there?” she asked quietly. He shrugged. It made no difference, he wasn‟t going.

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Sue Brown THEN there was a text from Gary. Ur being a dick—again! Nathan hit delete.

“DID you really throw the invitation away?” It was seven thirty in the morning. Nathan was late for school. He didn‟t want this conversation now. He was hunting for his car keys under the pile of baby clothes on the kitchen table when Alex asked him. “Not now, Alex. I‟m late enough as it is.” Daniel toddled up to give him a cuddle. Nathan didn‟t notice until it was too late that his hands were covered in yogurt. As he put his son down, Nathan realized he had two handprints on his shirt. “Shit! Now I‟ve gotta get changed. Couldn‟t you have wiped his hands before he got down?” “I did,” she snapped, “after his breakfast. He got hold of yours that you left on the table. I‟ve told you before not to leave things on there once you‟ve finished.” Nathan flushed red as he stripped off his shirt. Without a word Alex handed him a fresh one. He pulled it on, almost ripping off the buttons as he tried to put his arms through the buttoned-up cuff. “Where‟s the invitation?” He huffed in exasperation. “I told you I—” “Threw it away. Yes, I heard that, but you‟re lying. I know you, Nathan. What did you actually do with it?” Silently, he went over to a pile of papers on the dresser. Nathan‟s black hole, Alex called it. Anything and everything got sucked into that mess and never emerged again. He handed it over. She read it and looked up, and Nathan was once again reminded of everything that he had lost, the hard knot of despair lodging itself 158

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under his breastbone. “You don‟t want to go?” He shrugged. “No, but you can if you want. It‟s a party. Our friends will be there. You can get drunk.” She flinched and dropped the invitation as if it burned her fingers. “Please, Nathan,” she whispered. “Can‟t we get past this? He‟s happy now. What about us?” Nathan gave a short bark of laughter. “A little late for playing happy families, don‟t you think?” He ignored her stricken look and turned to walk out. “You were unfaithful to me, remember that, Nathan Peterson?” He winced as she hit back with the cold, hard truth. Oh yes, he remembered. So yeah, Nathan knew that that his unfaithfulness had been the start.

SOMEWHERE along the line, Colin hit puberty, and no one except Stephanie was ready for it. Stephanie had been dealing with an increasingly moody teenage boy for months. Even as a teacher, Nathan wasn‟t expecting Colin to change as drastically as he did. He all but vanished into his bedroom, and when he did emerge, it was to disappear out with his friends: a group of adolescents who asserted their individuality by all dressing the same. The friendly, open Colin of old vanished under black hair dye and black clothing, and the only response he gave to any question was a grunt. There were increasingly loud confrontations with Joe. Whereas before Colin had been willing to accept the discipline imposed by his de facto step-father, now he argued every single point and left Joe and Stephanie despairing. In the end, after yet another shit-storm with Colin shrieking, “You‟re not my father!” at Joe, they called Andrew and asked him to talk to his son. Nathan was confronted with Rich on his doorstep one weekend 159

Sue Brown afternoon. He opened the door to find Andrew‟s boyfriend looking at him with a slightly desperate and hopeful air about him. “Rich? Uh, can I help you?” “I need to escape. Andrew and Steph are laying down the law to Colin. It‟s a bit heavy-going in there. Can I hide for a bit?” His gray eyes crinkled at the edges just like Andrew‟s did, and Nathan could suddenly see why Andrew was so attracted to him. “I have a bribe.” He held up a six-pack of beer. He could hardly say no. Alex was out with the kids while he completed some reports. In truth the distraction was just what Nathan needed. He stepped back and invited Rich in. “Do you want to watch the Spurs game?” Rich made a face, but he said, “I‟ll watch paint dry if it gets me out of „the talk‟.” Nathan grinned. “That bad, huh?” Rich shuddered as he took the beer. “You have no idea. I have never seen Drew laying down the law before.” He took a long swallow. “Even I wanted to say „Yes, Sir!‟” “Wait, Andrew was laying down the law?” Nathan was shocked; he‟d never seen Andrew as a scary disciplinarian. “Believe me, I ended up feeling sorry for Colin.” Nathan was having a hard time getting his head around this. “How did Colin take it?” “Well, he kept mumbling sorry, rather than sneering, so I think the message hit home. He might think before he‟s rude to Joe again. I don‟t think he expected Andrew to be quite so assertive. I thought I‟d give the boy a break and leave them to it.” Rich waved his bottle at Nathan. “So here I am.” Nathan showed Rich into the living room and pointed the remote at the plasma screen. A couple of minutes later the game was on, and Nathan was trying not to think how bizarre it was to be watching it with his ex-lover‟s boyfriend. They were watching the second half when there was another knock at the door. Andrew and Joe were on the other side, already 160

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holding the beer up. Both men looked tight around the eyes, and Nathan just stood back without a word. Joe made himself comfortable in the large chair. Andrew plopped down next to Rich, leaving Nathan to sit on the other side of him. Both Andrew and Joe opened a beer and drained their bottles almost in one swallow. “God, I don‟t want to do that again.” Andrew visibly shuddered as Joe nodded in agreement. Rich and Nathan grinned at each other. Nathan opened another two bottles without asking and handed them to the men. “Will I need to go and get some more from the basement later?” he asked mildly. They both nodded. “Okay, when the game‟s over.” Apart from the presence of Rich instead of Gabe, it was like old times. They bickered amiably about the respective teams throughout the game. A few beers too many and Nathan was buzzed, numbness from the alcohol spreading pleasantly down to his extremities. They were slumped down on the sofa, their legs brushing lightly as they relaxed. It had been a while since he had enjoyed a guys-only afternoon, and an impromptu one at that. “More beer, Nate?” Joe waved his bottle hopefully. “Sure.” Nathan heaved himself to his feet. To his surprise Andrew stood up as well. “I‟ll give you a hand. Can get more beer that way.” He bent to give Rich a kiss. Nathan turned away as Rich‟s hand snaked around his neck and pulled him in closer. “Beer now, make out later!” demanded Joe. Andrew gave his boyfriend a last lingering kiss and stood up. “Ready,” he said, running his tongue along his lower lip. Nathan wanted to growl. Either that or mash his lips over Andrew‟s and wipe Rich‟s kiss off his face. “There‟s only four of us,” Nathan observed, to distract his thoughts. “I could give Michael and Jim a call.” “On it,” Joe said and pulled out his cell. 161

Sue Brown “Alex‟s going to kill me. She went out with the kids to give me a chance to work,” Nathan said as he and Andrew went down the steps to the basement. “She‟s not gonna be pleased to see me trashed after an afternoon with the boys.” “Steph‟ll explain. She‟s good at that.” Andrew swayed slightly. “We could go over to the den if she‟s really pissed. TV‟s crap in there though.” Nathan rummaged around in the corner for more bottles. As he emerged triumphant with two more packs, Joe yelled down the stairs, “Gary and Gabe are here. Need a lot more beer.” “Gary and Gabe? What the fuck‟s going on, Drew?” Nathan put the packs of beer down on the floor. Andrew was staring at the ceiling of the basement. “Well?” he asked sternly. Andrew had the grace to look embarrassed. “We thought if Mohammed wouldn‟t go to the mountain….” “You set me up?” Nathan gaped at him. “Not exactly set you up. More took advantage of an opportunity to get us boys back together. Steph and Joe did ask me to talk to Colin, and I wanted to spend some time with you that didn‟t involve one of us having a breakdown. I thought… Rich thought you might feel better if he was here. Less temptation for us to fuck up.” “And the bachelor party?” “We‟re gonna die of fucking thirst up here, girls.” Gabe‟s dulcet tones interrupted their conversation. “Shoulda brought your own, douchebag,” Andrew yelled back. There was a clatter on the stairs and Gary made an appearance in the gloom. He seemed to take into account the distance between the two men and nodded approvingly. “You agreed to this?” Nathan asked disbelievingly. Shaking his head, Gary said, “Nah. I thought it was a stupid idea. You two fuckers can‟t keep your hands off each other. But I was overruled by the boss.” “Andrew?” 162

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“Me, actually.” There was a quiet cough from the top of the stairs. Nathan looked up to see Rich gazing at Andrew with a tender smile. It was returned with a shy confidence that Nathan hadn‟t seen in Andrew before. Nathan shook his head. “I don‟t get it.” Gary grinned at him. “You don‟t have to. Just kick back and enjoy an afternoon with the boys. Alex is over at Steph‟s. All you have to do is get trashed and eat fast food.” Nathan gave up. Getting trashed until he passed out sounded like an excellent idea. With the boyfriend and the guard dogs here, he and Andrew couldn‟t get into any trouble. He handed beer over to Gary and Andrew and went back up the stairs. So much for his quiet afternoon working. At some point in the afternoon, Gary produced a guitar. It had been a long time since Nathan had heard Andrew sing. He‟d forgotten the enjoyment the older man got from letting go and belting out everything from country to rock while he sat with his back pressed against Rich‟s chest. Michael, Jim, and Joe did an extremely camp version of “It‟s Raining Men” with Joe getting soundly kissed by Gary at the end of it. Joe made them promise never to tell Stephanie and never to kiss him again in case he was scarred for life. Jim got a standing ovation with his rendition of “Stand by Your Man” complete with melons stuffed under his hideous sweater. “Okay, Nate, what‟re you gonna sing for us?” Andrew asked, smiling encouragingly at him. Nathan shook his head. “You‟ve heard me sing before. Do you want to frighten the neighbors?” Michael snorted. “They‟re all here. You‟re not getting out of it that easily.” Gabe got a wicked gleam in his eye, but before he could open his mouth, Nathan leaned forward and whispered in his ear, “If you suggest „I Will Survive,‟ I will feed your balls to the dogs.” He pouted, but it was clear Gabe had been thwarted, and he got 163

Sue Brown pelted with leftover garlic bread for his alternative suggestion of “Dancing Queen.” Finally, almost nervously, Jim produced a joint. As Gary and Jim whooped, Michael, Joe and Andrew stared at him astonishment. “But you… Allison… she would kill you,” Andrew stuttered. Jim gave him an amused look as he took a drag and passed it on to Rich. “She‟s at her mother‟s ‟til Monday. I‟m old, not stupid. Besides, there‟s a whole lot of life I had without Alli. It‟s good to be reminded of it occasionally.” It was the best afternoon Nathan had had for months, and by the time everyone left, he realized the knot of stress that had been lodged under his breastbone, making it so hard to breathe, had gone. Jim and Michael stumbled out about midnight, so trashed they needed each other for support, and even then, Nathan had to point them in the direction of their houses. Gary and Gabe had helped themselves to Nathan‟s guestroom with only a “‟Night, fuckers,” as a farewell. Which left Andrew and Rich. As he said goodbye, Andrew gave him a hug. Nathan held onto him tightly, realizing by this time Rich wasn‟t going to get pissed at him. Andrew buried his face in Nathan‟s neck for a minute, the tightness of their embrace saying more than any words could. In the end Andrew kissed him on the mouth and stepped back, letting Rich come in to say goodbye. Rich stepped forward and hugged him as well, thanking him for the afternoon, and they left. In spite of himself, Nathan watched the couple from the doorway, noting the way Andrew slung an arm around Rich‟s shoulders as they wandered back to number twelve. For the first time, their intimacy didn‟t leave a bitter taste in his mouth. God bless alcohol, he thought as he called Tyler and Ruby for a nighttime walk.

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Chapter 13

THE feel of soft kisses pressing against his jaw stirred Andrew from his exhaustion-induced coma on the sofa. “Mmm, hi,” he mumbled and turned his face blindly, his mouth seeking Rich‟s without opening his eyes. He wasn‟t sure at this point forcing his eyelids open would be an option. He was kissed gently and then a warm hand stroked his face. “Long day, babe?” “Long and stressful,” Andrew agreed, struggling to sit up and greet his man properly, but Rich just pressed him back against the cushions. “Go back to sleep. Do you want to go out for dinner later?” The only thing Andrew wanted was ten hours of oblivion, but he knew Rich would be hungry after a long day at work. He was about to agree when Rich kissed him again. “Stupid of me. I‟ll order in. Go back to sleep.” Andrew smiled gratefully and snuggled back down, dimly noting the feel of a blanket draped over him as he sunk back to sleep. He was awakened a few hours later by a soft shake to the shoulder. “Drew, food‟s ready.” He sat up, his head woolly and unfocused. Andrew peeled his eyes open to find Rich smiling at him, a plate in one hand and a huge mug of what was definitely coffee in the other. “Caffeine or hot food first?” 165

Sue Brown Rich rolled his eyes as Andrew‟s hands headed straight for the coffee. “You really shouldn‟t be snorkeling this much coffee this late at night. Sorry, what was that?” he asked as Andrew made a hand gesture that certainly wasn‟t a thank you. “Tsk, tsk, Andrew. Would your mother be pleased to see you be so rude to your husband? Didn‟t she teach you any manners?” Andrew raised his face from the empty mug of coffee. “You really want to know what my momma taught me?” The humor dropped off Rich‟s face. “Not really, my love.” One night of drinking with Steph had led to Rich finding out far more about Momma Matthews‟ style of child-rearing than Andrew had let slip, and he had seen the scars on Andrew‟s back, lines of white scars from the thin leather belt. Andrew had brushed it off, but sometimes he would wake up to find Rich tracing the scars with the tips of his fingers, and Andrew would be reminded of the hurt and humiliation in every mark and ridge. He had caught Rich staring at Ruth with outright dislike when he thought no one was looking, although he knew Rich was far too polite to say anything to her face. He would walk over to his husband and kiss the look off his face in silent thanks for stepping up for him. Rich took the mug from his man and handed him the plate, ignoring the moue of protest. “Eat first, then one more cup of decaf.” Laughing at Andrew‟s outraged face, he went into the kitchen. “That‟s not real coffee,” Andrew yelled. “Nope, but it‟s all you‟re going to get. Get started, I‟ll be with you in a minute.” Andrew grinned and sat back with his plate of Chinese. Rich wandered back in with another mug of coffee and a plate for himself. He sat down beside Andrew and they ate in silence for a few minutes. They watched Conan O‟Brien as they had dinner, the relaxed easy style suiting the lack of brainpower Andrew had after the day he had just been through. Inevitably, his mind wandered to the shoot he had done earlier and the problems he had encountered. He had been slowly building up a business since his return to work after his breakdown. He was helped by his work with Gary‟s 166

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band. After years of playing small clubs, they were finally getting booked to play bigger venues and had received some positive exposure in the music press. Andrew had taken some photos for the band, which had been published, leading to other up and coming bands booking him. After years of school proms and baby photos, he was finally getting some recognition for his craft. Part of him though, missed the small studio in Castleton and the trips to the schools and hospitals. It might have been mundane work, but he was appreciated and respected by the parents of the kids. It was a far cry from the other side of his business that he wasn‟t so sure about. Years previously he had taken a few shots for a guy wanting to break into the porn business. He had done it as a favor for his mom, who worked in the maternity unit where Andrew worked as a photographer. The photos made it into a magazine, and the young man had a brief spell as a gay porn star before thankfully deciding to go to college. It didn‟t stop him, however, from recommending Andrew to all and sundry as the photographer to get their portfolio started. Andrew had ended up with a steady stream of young men and women though his doors, and some of them, like the girl today, just made him feel like the man Nathan had accused him of being: a seedy, perverted exploiter of young flesh. The girl had been so young and terrified that Andrew had ended up insisting she put her clothes back on, made her a hot chocolate, and sent her home with Nathan‟s sister‟s fate echoing in her ears. He had also made a few calls to make sure she got home, and a very brief but pointed call to the friend who had sent her in his direction. He didn‟t know if the young girl would take his advice, but he wasn‟t going to be responsible for helping to corrupt a minor. “Want to talk about it?” Rich‟s voice intruded on his dark musing. “You‟re cookin‟ up a storm there, cowboy.” Andrew sighed and slumped back against the sofa. He rubbed at his temples as if to clear his head. “It was… just a too young girl who should have been trying on dresses at the mall instead of taking them off in front of me.” At Rich‟s inquiring look, he continued, “I sent her home with a horror story and a suggestion that she go back to school.” 167

Sue Brown Rich turned around to rub Andrew‟s neck, his sure fingers seeking out the knots and tension. A moan slipped from Andrew‟s lips in appreciation as he relaxed into the touch. Rich worked in silence for a few minutes, then said, “You don‟t have to keep up with those photo shoots. I know how much you hate them.” As Andrew went to answer, he said, “You can‟t be responsible for everyone, Andrew.” “I don‟t feel responsible.” “Don‟t you?” Andrew sat up, pulling away from the massage. “What do you mean? I don‟t feel responsible for every client that walks though the door.” Rich paused for a moment, as if he needed to choose his words carefully. As Andrew waited he could see how tired Rich looked, the lines around his eyes deeper and his face more drawn, and he felt guilty for even discussing this with him. “Why do you keep doing the porn shoots? Your music photos are taking off and you don‟t need the porn money to support your family. I‟ve seen what you make, remember?” Andrew shook his head. “That doesn‟t mean I‟m financially secure. What about putting Colin through college?” Rich slipped his hand through Andrew‟s and laced their fingers together. “Drew, you‟re not on your own now. I can help you with that.” At Andrew‟s shake of the head, he said, “I know you don‟t want to be kept, but we‟re partners, husbands even. What‟s mine is yours and all that. All I‟m saying is don‟t keep doing something you hate just because you feel you have to. You can‟t protect all these young kids, and they aren‟t all going to end up like Amy Peterson.” That hurt. “I… I don‟t think that,” Andrew whispered. “Don‟t you?” Rich asked again. “Just think about it, okay?” Andrew nodded. He didn‟t want to think. He just wanted to go to sleep and forget about the scared fourteen-year-old from today and all the others like her. Andrew hoped that tonight at least, a young girl he had never met but who had shaped the last couple of years of his life 168

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didn‟t haunt his dreams. It was still dark when he woke again, this time in the comfort of his own bed. Not sure what had disturbed him, Andrew flung out an exploratory hand to discover the empty space next to him. He rolled over and buried his nose in the warmth left behind, wanting Rich to return and snuggle up to him. He heard flushing in the bathroom and relaxed, half-dozing again as he waited for Rich to join him. Andrew was almost asleep when he felt the dip of the bed and cool skin pressed against his back. He murmured in protest as he shivered. “Sorry for waking you up, baby,” Rich whispered in his ear. “You think this is babyish?” Andrew pulled Rich‟s arm around him and pushed it down to his cock, half-hard already. “Why no, Mr. Matthews, I do believe that proves you are all man,” Rich agreed as he cupped his hand around the shaft and jacked it slowly. Biting back a moan, Andrew pushed against him, feeling Rich‟s cock thicken and harden against his back. “That‟s… ah… good.” He pushed the hand down lower. Obediently Rich slipped his hand over his balls, cupping for a second before grazing light fingertips backwards over the thin flushed skin. Rich smirked against his ear. “Just good?” he asked, teasing the skin until Andrew was squirming against his fingers. “Nice, even,” gasped Andrew as he felt a finger press against him. “Only nice, hmmm? I must be losing my touch. I‟ll stop, shall I then?” “Don‟t you fucking dare!” Andrew clamped Rich‟s hand between his thighs in case he carried out his threat. “If I promise to carry on would you consider letting me go?” Andrew turned his head so that he could capture Rich‟s mouth against his own. “I‟m never letting you go. Got it?” His voice was fierce in the darkness. “Got it.” Rich sounded hoarse, as if he were close to tears. 169

Sue Brown Andrew kissed him hard and lay back, letting his thighs relax, giving Rich full access. “Fuck me!” he said simply. He was taken by surprise as Rich pushed him back into the pillows and settled himself between his thighs. Even in the darkness of the room, he could sense Rich looking into his eyes. “No, I‟m not going to fuck you.” As Andrew opened his mouth to protest, he said, “But I will make love to you, now and always.” Andrew drew him down to press a bruising kiss on his lips, shaken by the intensity of the feelings between them. “What did I do to deserve you, Rich? After all these years… being so damn lonely.” “Don‟t think about it, baby. You‟re here now with me.” Rich shifted down, peppering kisses all the way down Andrew‟s body, pausing to lave at his nipples until Andrew was writhing under him. It wasn‟t until much later, when Andrew was lying sweaty and wrung out under Rich‟s experienced hands, that he asked, “Why did you get up?” Rich mumbled something sleepily against his chest. Andrew asked him to repeat it. “Indigestion. M‟fine now.” Frowning, Andrew ran his hands through the soft hair tickling his chest. “Indigestion again? That‟s what, the fourth time in the last couple of weeks? Better get it checked out, love.” Rich made a noise that could have meant anything, but he said, “Will. Next time. Sleep now.”

ANDREW was reviewing some of his photos when Nathan called. He was curled up on the sofa with his feet resting in Rich‟s lap. His husband was doing a good impression of a goldfish as he slept. It was a manic time of year for him. Andrew saw little of him, as he left before Andrew was conscious and only returned late at night when he was normally in bed. Rich had returned after midnight the previous night, almost too tired to stand upright. Andrew took one look at him and put his foot down, insisting he take the next day off before he keeled over. Rich had protested, but Andrew had threatened to call the office and speak to his 170

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secretary, Ida, if he didn‟t obey. Ida was scary. She was the stereotypical matriarchal secretary who ran his office with a rod of iron. No one crossed Ida and lived to tell the tale. With one exception. She adored Andrew, and Andrew returned that adoration with flowers, cakes, and trips out to galleries and museums that she wouldn‟t have necessarily gone to by herself. When Andrew threatened him with the wrath of Ida Reynolds, Rich knew it was time to back down. Hence, when Nathan called on Saturday afternoon, Rich had rolled out of bed at noon to share breakfast with Andrew and fallen asleep before it was cooked. Andrew was listening to his iPod as he worked and didn‟t notice his cell vibrating initially. It was only when the movement caught his attention out of the corner of his eye that he grabbed it. “Yes!” he said as quietly as he could in his haste. “Uh… Andrew?” “Nathan?” “Hey. How are you?” Fine. Good. A quivering wreck. Hard. Happy to hear you. Fuck. Please. “Great thanks, you? “Fine, fine.” There was a long, uncomfortable pause. Say something, you moron. “Uh… did you want something, Nate?” There was another pause and then a sigh. “I want you to take some photographs of our family.” “You mean you and Alex and the kids?” “Plus Mom and Dad and Bob and his family. It‟s Mom‟s birthday soon, and she wanted some photos of us all. We haven‟t had any done since before Amy went missing. Look, I know you‟re busy, but Mom has seen your photos, and we needed someone who would understand how difficult it is. If you can‟t spare—” Nathan‟s words spilled out in a rush. 171

Sue Brown “I‟d be happy to.” Andrew cut across his babble. “You will?” Andrew could hear another sigh as though Nathan was letting out his breath. “Of course I would. Let me get my planner. Have you got any dates in mind?” As carefully as he could, Andrew slipped his feet off Rich‟s lap and headed for his day planner. They discussed dates for a while, bringing it down to three possibilities. “I‟ll call everyone now and find out which is best for them to get here. I can‟t tell you how grateful I am, Drew.” Andrew smiled ruefully. “No worries. Actually I have an idea which might make it easier on your mom and dad. I need to discuss it with Rich, and when you call I‟ll let you know.” “What do you mean?” Nathan asked, a little suspiciously. “Oh, nothing to worry about. Just somewhere we can take the photos that‟s less formal. If you like, Stephanie and Joe can be there. Colin can entertain the kids. It‟s a large house where everyone can stay.” “Not sure we could afford that at the moment. Money‟s real tight.” “It wouldn‟t cost you a penny. It‟s Rich‟s place. Somewhere he used to live. I do a lot of shoots there when it‟s empty. We can all stay for the weekend and give your mom and dad a chance to relax, well, all of you really. Ask Steph about it.” “That‟s sounds great.” Uncertainly threaded through Nathan‟s voice. “But are you sure he wouldn‟t mind?” “I‟ll ask him. Talk later.” “Of course you can use it.” A pair of arms snaked around Andrew‟s waist. Andrew jumped as he ended the call with Nathan. He hadn‟t heard Rich come up behind him. He turned in Rich‟s embrace and leaned forward for a kiss. “Hey, I didn‟t hear you get up.” He looked at his husband 172

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carefully, noting how drawn his face was, the lines still deeply etched around his eyes and mouth. “Go back to bed, love. We can talk later.” Andrew steered him gently in the direction of the bedroom. Rich just seemed to slump in his arms and let himself be put back to bed. As Andrew was leaving the bedroom, Rich said, “Was that Nathan?” Pausing at the door, Andrew said, “Yeah. How did you know?” He looked over his shoulder at Rich. “Because I love you.” Rich smiled at him. “It‟s fine to use the house, Drew.” “Thanks,” Andrew whispered as he slipped out of the room. The short conversation with Nathan had set off all those feelings he tried so hard to suppress. He loved Rich with all his heart, but there was a part of him, a large part he had to acknowledge, that was never going to get over Nathan Peterson.

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NATHAN stood in line for the club, shifting impatiently from side to side as he waited to be let in. He was on his own, which made him selfconscious, Gabe texting him to say they were running late, and he couldn‟t stand still, desperate for something he could only find here. He was aware of the strange looks from people around him, of the gap between them and him. He wondered if one day he wouldn‟t be let in because he didn‟t look “gay” enough. He remembered another club, another line, with Andrew vibrating beside him. Then he hadn‟t really understood how Andrew felt, the restlessness and hunger driving him to distraction. Now though, now he understood that feeling only too well. There were days when he just wanted to climb out of his skin and leave it behind. On those days there was a call to Gabe and an anonymous club somewhere: a place where he could leave his skin at the door and find a man who was tall enough, and lean enough. If he was lucky, there might be freckles. He could trade kisses with closed eyes and furtive hand jobs. In the dark, who was to know that he only whispered one name. Then he could climb back into his skin and be what he had to be—husband, father, and teacher—at peace for a while. But knowing he was going to see Andrew in a couple of weeks‟ time, spend the weekend playing happy families, the restlessness had returned and there was another text to Gabe. This was a long way just for a blowjob though. Gabe had insisted trying this particular club, which meant Nathan driving for hours both ways. It had taken some negotiating with Alex, and Nathan knew he would be exhausted by tomorrow evening. Eventually he got through the doors. Gabe said they would meet 174

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him by the coat check stand. Nathan hoped he didn‟t have to wait too long. He had seen a man ahead of him in the line who fitted Nathan‟s needs, tall and lean with the sort of build from the back that made his heart skip a beat. Trying to find him again in the dim lighting of the large club was another matter. He couldn‟t see either of his friends, and as he waited to check his jacket, he texted Gabe again. He was waiting for a reply as he handed over his coat. It seemed fate was on his side. The man, his prey, seemed to be waiting too, and as far as Nathan could see, he wasn‟t with anyone. Nathan just needed him to turn around, and he looked into Andrew‟s blue eyes. His phone beeped. He checked it automatically, noting Andrew was doing the same thing. Enjoy fuckers! Yeah, thanks Gabe. Another beep. Don’t fuck up! He looked up to see Andrew staring at him warily. “I didn‟t know anything about this,” he started defensively. Andrew nodded. “Nor did I. We‟ve been… set up.” “By Gabe.” “By Rich,” Andrew corrected. Nathan frowned. What the hell was Andrew‟s husband doing sending him on a blind date with his ex-lover? “Short version. Rich is in London. He told me I needed a night out and to phone Gary. You called Gabe?” Nathan nodded and Andrew shrugged. “They put their heads together and….” “But why?” Andrew tugged on his arm. They were holding up the line. Nathan checked in his jacket and turned to look at Andrew. He half expected that if he closed his eyes, Andrew would disappear. He was still there, leaning against the wall with an odd expression on his face. “Why would Rich and those fuckers set us, I mean, us, up on a night out?” “Honestly, I don‟t know. I can tell you it wasn‟t Gary‟s idea. You 175

Sue Brown know how he feels about us and Gabe wouldn‟t go against him. All I can think is that Rich had something to do with it. Rich and I, we aren‟t totally exclusive, Nate.” Nathan felt his jaw hit the floor. “You mean…? You have sex with other people?” “Sometimes. Rarely. And only with his consent. We‟re gay men. It‟s not the same as moms and dads: forsaking all others until death do us part. Neither of us openly looks for other people, but it‟s not the end of the world if we do.” “But not with me?” I wouldn’t share you! Andrew smiled ruefully at him. “Definitely not with you. It‟s not the same as some anonymous blowjob in a dark corner.” He nodded at Nathan‟s flinch, realizing that for the first time the younger man really understood. “You‟re not some twink in the corner. Rich knows that, and he knows with you it would be all or nothing, otherwise he‟d have tried to fuck you already.” And there was a thought Nathan didn‟t want to explore too closely. Yeah, he‟d had those thoughts too. Just watching them kiss sent mixed feelings to his brain and his dick. “So why here and now? It doesn‟t make sense.” Nathan was left more confused than ever. “I don‟t know, and at the moment I don‟t care. All I do know is that he‟s given his consent and we‟re here, together, on our own.” Andrew stepped forward so that he was almost touching Nathan. He looked up at him. “Are you going to dance with me or leave, Nate?” Nathan stared down at him helplessly. “I should leave.” His skin felt too large for him. “Go then.” The gap between them closed infinitesimally. Nathan‟s senses were overwhelmed with bright eyes and spices. He needed to take a large step back; about a mile would do. “You know I can‟t go.” The restlessness had turned to rats with fucking large teeth gnawing at his insides again. Andrew wasn‟t helping the situation by reaching up and pressing a dry kiss on his lips. “Dance with me.” Did Nathan really have a choice from the minute he laid eyes on 176

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him? He blindly followed Andrew onto the dance floor, pressing between the crowds of the young and downright gorgeous. Would Andrew even notice him once he had started dancing? He had watched Andrew get into that headspace before. Where nothing else mattered except his need to dance and fuck. The need Nathan had right now. Andrew found a gap in the dancers and turned to face him. For a split second, Nathan could see a momentary doubt in his eyes, as if he expected Nathan to have left him while his back was turned, and the flare of relief when he saw him still there. He held out his arms and Nathan moved helplessly into them, feeling like he was being pulled in on a rope. No chance to refuse or get away from the train wreck that was surely going to happen. “I’m home.” Nathan was pretty sure he wasn‟t meant to hear Andrew‟s whispered comment against his shoulder, but it warmed his insides. He‟d been given one night. No need to fuck up. He‟d make the most of it before he collected his real life along with his jacket. They danced, moving together as if no one else was in the club. Fast or slow, the music didn‟t matter. What mattered was that Andrew was no more than a fingertip away from his body. Nathan had watched Andrew dance before, in those days when the restlessness was inside Andrew‟s body instead of his own. It had added a frenetic quality to his movements that wasn‟t present now. Andrew was dancing for him, just for him, and it showed in every sinuous twist, every slide against his hips. They got hot, sweat pouring down their bodies as they danced, their tops clinging to them almost obscenely. Andrew stripped off his Tshirt, leaving his chest bare, and tucked it in Nathan‟s back pocket. Despite being older than most of the kids in the club, Andrew was stunning. He was still lean muscle and lightly tanned skin. Nathan could see the attention he was getting from other men, and he had to physically stop himself from growling, “Mine!” at every unwanted glance, every lick of the lips. Andrew stepped forward and started undoing Nathan‟s shirt. 177

Sue Brown Nathan‟s hands flew to cover Andrew‟s, not sure about stripping in public. His shirt parted as the last button was undone and Andrew slipped it off his shoulders. “Now they‟re creaming themselves,” Andrew said as he took Nathan‟s shirt for himself. Nathan didn‟t dare look up. Unlike Andrew, he wasn‟t really much of an exhibitionist outside the classroom. He fixed his gaze somewhere about Andrew‟s navel and the light trail of hair sinking into his jeans. He wanted to fall to his knees and…. “Look at me, Nate,” Andrew commanded softly. Nathan watched the play of colored lights over Andrew‟s abs. “Look at me!” Nathan dragged his eyes up and nearly burned up in the intensity of Andrew‟s gaze. “Look around. They all want you. They want to touch you, touch your beautiful body, and if they do….” Andrew leaned forward. “I‟m going to rip their arms off. Tonight you‟re mine!” he whispered fiercely. Nathan didn‟t look around. He didn‟t care about anyone else. He was being claimed with every hot look, every touch possessively staking Nathan as his. Andrew was marking his territory just as if he had pissed on him, and the gnawing in his stomach ceased as the rats submitted under the dominance of Andrew‟s possession. Could rats purr? His surely did as Andrew claimed him. They danced again, closer still, hands sliding over the smooth skin of sweat-slicked sides. Once, only once a man tried to cut in and was forced back by the anger in both their eyes. To everyone else it was obvious that there was no point trying to join the party of two. Occasionally they drank water, neither of them wanting alcohol to blur or blame for the evening, and then they were back on the dance floor, Andrew‟s ass grinding against Nathan until Nathan was groaning in his ear. Pressing his erection into Andrew‟s lower back, Nathan writhed slowly so that it slid between his ass cheeks. He could feel the breath hitching in Andrew‟s chest beneath his splayed hands. Andrew grabbed his hand as it moved over his front, pushing it down until his fingertips were just dipping beneath the waistband of Andrew‟s jeans. The tip of Andrew‟s cock brushed the pads of his fingertips, hard, leaking against his skin. Andrew pulled at his hand and sucked his own taste into his mouth. White stars exploded behind Nathan‟s eyes. He wanted to bend 178

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Andrew over here on the dance floor, shove his cock into that taut ass until they were both screaming. He wasn‟t sure Andrew would stop him, audience or no. “You‟ve got to stop,” he said, voice strained as he tried to stop himself humping Andrew. “Stop?” Andrew‟s breath tickled his palm. “Do you really want me to stop touching you, Nate?” His mouth suckled hard on Nathan‟s fingers. Nathan growled, teased beyond endurance. He spun Andrew round in his arms and kissed him, tongue thrusting into his, claiming again. They battled for control of the kiss, dancing forgotten as they stood on the dance floor, lost in the need to dominate each other. Andrew‟s nails scritch-scratched across his back, never enough to leave a permanent mark but enough to make the sweat sting momentarily. Andrew ended the battle, chest heaving as he dragged air into his lungs. He stepped back and grabbed Nathan‟s arm, leading him to the back of the club. They found a secluded space and resumed their kiss, only this time it was slower, deeper, no desire to dominate, just to taste and explore and tell each other with hands, lips and tongue what had been missing for so long. The world narrowed down to this kiss, balm for the ache inside him. Nathan pressed Andrew against the wall, his hands cupped around his jaw, feeling the rasp of stubble against the palm of his hands. His hands were large enough to stroke behind Andrew‟s ears and note the soft, downy hair curling down his neck. He needed to push Andrew into the wall, to feel the firm muscular body against his. Nathan nudged one leg between Andrew‟s, eliciting a groan that he swallowed as he put delicious pressure against Andrew‟s cock. He pressed again, wanting to hear the sound that sometimes haunted his dreams. Andrew was running his hands over Nathan‟s chest and sides, under the soft skin of his arms, thumbs rubbing his nipples, teasing them into hardness and then sinking lower, dipping beneath the loose waistband of his jeans to thread through coarse hair. Nathan broke the kiss to confess, “Your hands are driving me insane.” Andrew‟s hair tickled his skin as he nodded his head, pulling him down for another kiss. 179

Sue Brown His skin felt over-sensitized. No matter where he touched, Andrew‟s fingers were trailing lightning to his cock. He needed more than light fingers dancing over the bulge in his jeans. “Touch me,” he begged, grinding up against him. Andrew undid Nathan‟s zipper, sliding his hand into the cotton boxers to find Nathan hard and wanting. Nathan groaned into his mouth as Andrew jacked him, slowly, his thumb rubbing the head. He fumbled at Andrew‟s pants, wanting to touch him as well. His hands shook as he got the button fly open and slid inside. Andrew wasn‟t wearing any underwear and Nathan‟s hand wrapped around his hard cock, entranced by the contrast of the soft, velvety skin. They jacked each other as they kissed, the kisses growing sloppier, more panting into their mouths as they brought each other closer to orgasm. Andrew was whimpering into his mouth, rising up on tiptoe as Nathan stroked him harder. Nathan was finding it hard to concentrate as the hand around his cock moved deeper, cupping his balls, and another hand took over stroking him, moving faster. They came together, hot streams spilling over their hands as they trembled in each other‟s arms. Nathan lifted his hand and watched as Andrew licked the mess from it, then he did the same, swirling his tongue between Andrew‟s fingers and sucking his taste until nothing was left. Going to the bathroom to clean up, Andrew finished before Nathan and waited outside for him. Nathan came out to find Andrew talking to a younger man. He watched for a minute as the man handed over a small piece of paper. The thing was that Andrew collected phone numbers the way that most people collect take-out menus. They were literally thrust into his hand. He‟d seen it happen before in the year they were neighbors, in clubs and bars and once even as they stopped at a small convenience store with Colin at his side. This man gave him the number with a confident smile. He was young, early twenties, with bleach-blond hair and a dazzling while smile. He made Nathan feel old and worn out at twenty-eight. Andrew was leaning forward as the man talked, and it obviously came over as an invitation because the dude was reaching out to touch him. Nathan walked up behind Andrew and drew him back against him, 180

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one arm reaching possessively across his chest, sending an unsubtle message to his rival. The older man reached up and kissed him under his jaw. “Done?” Nathan nodded. “Want to dance again?” “Always.” Andrew moved out of his arms but took him by the hand instead. He smiled at the young man, now looking a little forlorn. “Nice to meet you, Kyle.” Nathan also smiled at Kyle. Judging from the way he stepped back hastily, it may have appeared less than friendly. “Scaring off any competition, Nate?” Andrew asked mildly as they walked back to the dance floor. “Whatever gives you that idea?” muttered Nathan. “The fact that you‟ve cut off the circulation to my hand.” Andrew raised his hand to show the blood had drained from where Nathan was pinching it tightly. Nathan hastily apologized, but followed it with, “Nobody else touches you tonight. Nobody!” He watched as Andrew deliberately dumped Kyle‟s number in a trashcan. “Only you,” Andrew agreed happily, and he tucked himself under Nathan‟s arm as they started dancing again. Nathan was careful not to let go of Andrew at all for the rest of the night. Towards the end they were wrapped in each other‟s arms. They moved slowly, shuffling really, on the spot. Andrew rested his head wearily in the crook of Nathan‟s neck, one hand on Nathan‟s ass and fingers tucked in the back pocket of his jeans. The other hand was entwined in Nathan‟s and resting on his chest, over Nathan‟s heart. Nathan pressed his lips to Andrew‟s forehead, tasting the salt on his lips. He didn‟t want the song to end, didn‟t want to have to let go and admit the night was at an end. “I love you,” he whispered against Andrew‟s skin. Andrew sighed, shuddering slightly in his arms, and Nathan cursed himself for breaking the spell. He‟d just wanted to say it once when they weren‟t angry, emotional, or crying. 181

Sue Brown Raising his head, Andrew looked him in the eyes. “I‟ve loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you at that stupid cookout. It isn‟t going to change anytime soon.” He laid his head back down and Nathan tightened his arms. The song came to an end and Nathan knew that it was over; real life was waiting at the door. He had to drive home to give Alex a chance to take Daniel to a kid‟s party while he looked after Jessie. They stood, still entwined, ignoring the return of lights and the tired clubbers chattering away as they moved to the exit. Eventually though, Andrew pressed a light kiss on Nathan‟s neck and raised his head. In the brightness, Nathan could see his face, tired, pale and content, a smile on his kiss-swollen lips. The line for the coats was almost empty by the time they made their way to pick up Nathan‟s jacket. The boy behind the counter handed the jacket over with a wink to Nathan. Nathan smiled as he felt Andrew move between him and the counter. “Relax,” he whispered in Andrew‟s ear. “Mine!” Andrew lied, almost growling at the hapless boy. “Always,” Nathan lied, the ache of impending separation already starting up. They walked out into the chill morning air, hand in hand. Andrew shivered in his light T-shirt and Nathan enfolded him in his arms, just to postpone the moment a little longer. Andrew tilted his head for a kiss, and they stood together under a sign promising them the world would fall at their feet if only they had minty-fresh breath. Their parting was simple—Nathan walking away to his car and Andrew finding a cab to take him home. Neither man looked back, the stolen night left behind. The long drive back gave Nathan plenty of time to reflect on how he had become what he had found so peculiar in Andrew when they first met—a man trapped in a marriage because of his family.

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Chapter 15

THE electric razor buzzed over his chin as Nathan got ready for school. The mirror showed dull black lining his eyes, and he yawned tiredly. It was going to be hard to get through the day without falling asleep. The photo shoot for his mom had taken place the previous two days, and had been one of the most physically exhausting weekends that he‟d had for a long time. When was the last time he‟d ever attempted a cartwheel, for heaven‟s sake? But at least now it was over, and maybe he could get off the Big One for a while. The Big One? Nathan smiled as the razor took care of the stubble under his chin; he wouldn‟t forget that motherfucker in a hurry. Nathan had been eight years old when his parents took him to the state fair. To his young eyes, it was an amazing sight, the color and noise and press of so many people overwhelming him. He held tightly onto his mom‟s hand, looking this way and that, and it was then that he saw it: the Big One. It was huge, full of twists and turns, loops and whorls, and Nathan knew that he had to go on it. It was there just waiting for him, calling to him. He begged his dad to be allowed to go on the rollercoaster, using every plea his young mind could conjure. His mom shook her head and said that he was too young, but to Nathan‟s shock and complete amazement his dad said that if he was tall enough, he should be allowed to go on it with them. His mom opened her mouth to argue, but his father just quietly held out his hand to his son and told his wife that this was his decision and he‟d stand by it. Nathan looked from his mother, whose word was generally law in the family home, and his father, who was content to have it that way. He wanted to say something, but a hard pinch on his shoulder from Bob was brother-speak for Shut up, you got what you wanted, and he just 183

Sue Brown took his dad‟s hand without a word. His mom gave his dad a hard stare that told him this wasn‟t over yet, but she said nothing further, just taking Nathan‟s other hand and going to stand in the long, long line for the Big One. It was only once he was in the line and getting near the time to go on the rollercoaster that Nathan began having second thoughts. Despite being tall for his age, Nathan admitted to himself he was a little scared by the size of the ride. His mother had been watching his face. “It‟s not too late to leave the line, honey. We can find something else to go on,” she said shrewdly, squeezing his shoulders in a close mom hug. But Nathan wasn‟t gonna back out now, no matter how scary the huge rollercoaster looked, looming up in front of him, and actually once he was on there, strapped in beside his dad, once his stomach had dipped and whooped around the track, he realized he had learned a valuable lesson that day. No matter how big the ride, the anticipation was far worse than the actual event. So, the Petersons‟ photo shoot at Rich‟s lakeside house? It had been just another Big One. Hadn‟t it? Well yeah, to a certain extent it had. His whole relationship with Andrew had been like a ride on the Big One: the peaks of their loving, the stomach-churning depths of their fights and separations, and the rare, very rare moments of calm friendship. But Nathan had been dealing with a feeling, something he couldn‟t put his finger on, a feeling that got stronger as the Saturday morning of the photo shoot had dawned. And this time, he hadn‟t been sure exactly what he was anticipating; he just knew that it had all the potential to end in everything coming off the rails and crashing to the ground Only it didn‟t. End in a train wreck, that is. By the end of the weekend, when Nathan had expected to spend most of it tied up in knots, he discovered that it had been one of the best weekends he had experienced for a long 184

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time, and most of that was down to Rich‟s hospitality and Andrew‟s calm professionalism as a photographer. For the first time he realized why Andrew was just so good at what he did. Even if the bastard did make him do cartwheels across the grass. He also discovered what a good kisser Rich was. Nathan thought about the past weekend as he flossed. It was a kaleidoscope of images, of lazy sunshine and his and Bob‟s children shrieking with laughter as Colin chased them around the yard. The sight of his mother weeping happy (and sad when she thought no one was looking) tears at the remains of her family together. Of Alex and Stephanie cooing over a baby magazine while Stephanie rested her hand on her still flat stomach—she‟d broken the news of the pending new arrival at the lunch table. Andrew with his cameras and lights, Colin assisting him with Daniel wrapped around his leg, and all the while, the presence of Amy Peterson with them. For the first time in a long while, the Petersons talked about their lost loved one with love and affection, and she became part of them again. It was a good thing the house was large because, between the Peterson family and the Matthews, they took up a lot of space. Andrew had invited Stephanie, Joe, and Colin so that they could help to entertain everyone between the photographs. Privately, he also felt Nathan and Alex might be less uncomfortable with their friends there. He hadn‟t invited Gary and Gabe this time because it was meant to be a family affair. As it turned out, Gary was on tour with the band and wouldn‟t have been able to make it anyway. Rich had put his foot down at the suggestion that they invite Ruth and Nick as well. His excuse was there was no room, but they all knew he wasn‟t letting his homophobic mother-in-law set foot over his doorstep. Andrew took hundreds of photos, formal and informal, of the Petersons, determined to give them a day to remember for the whole family. Pictures of the grandchildren playing, Nathan and Bob with their wives, Teresa and John with their children. Andrew just made the whole proceedings fun, even getting the grown-up men cartwheeling across the grass, their flailing limbs sending everyone scattering. Rich had arranged a formal dinner in the early evening so that the children could join in. To stop Daniel and Jess from being completely 185

Sue Brown tired and obnoxious, Alex had insisted they have a rest in their room beforehand. Both were tired from all the playing and happy to sit down in front of Sesame Street for a while. Alex took the opportunity to have a bath and Nathan took the dogs out for a walk around the lake. The sun was low in the sky, casting an orange-pink glow across the water. It was so beautiful and peaceful. Nathan took the opportunity just to stand for a few minutes watching the activity of the birds on the lake. “It‟s at times like this I thank God for such a view.” Nathan started; he been so lost in his own thoughts he hadn‟t heard Rich come up behind him. He turned to look at the older man. Rich was staring out over the lake. Nathan was struck by how tired he looked, the lines on his face more deeply etched, making him look older than he actually was. Rich turned to look at him and Nathan flushed, embarrassed to be caught staring. “You‟re lucky to have this,” he said hastily. “I am,” Rich agreed. He turned to sit on a fallen log just behind them and patted the space next to him. A little uncomfortably, Nathan sat down beside him. Tyler and Ruby didn‟t seem too bothered by the interruption of their walk and milled happily along the water‟s edge. “Did Andrew ever tell you how I ended up owning this property?” It was so left field Nathan just stared at him. “Uh, no.” Rich smiled and settled back against the tree trunk conveniently behind their makeshift seat. “My previous partner, Paul, owned it.” “I didn‟t realize you‟d been in a long-term relationship with anyone before,” Nathan said awkwardly. “I hadn‟t really….” “Discussed it with Andrew,” Rich interrupted. “I know. I don‟t expect I‟ve exactly been on your mind when you‟re together.” What did he say to that? “I… uh….” I’m too busy trying to get into his pants to talk about you? Rich patted his hand. “It‟s okay, Nathan. Paul died ten years ago.” 186

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“How long were you together?” “About fifteen years. He was… well, he was HIV positive. Meds stopped working in the end.” “I‟m so sorry, Rich.” Nathan wanted to put his arm around him, genuinely sorry for what the man had gone through, but he held back, not sure it was appropriate. Rich shrugged. “Me too. Anyway, that‟s not why we‟re having this conversation.” “Are you ever going to tell me why we are having this conversation? Or is this another one of those enigmatic gay bullshits that I keep having with Andrew?” Nathan‟s patience was wearing thin. Laughing, Rich said, “How the hell do you and Andrew ever get past bitching at each other?” “Hell knows,” admitted Nathan, a slight smile curving his own mouth. “Paul was also left this place by his previous partner. It‟s a kind of peaceful legacy for us. A place to come when the outside world gets too much. I‟m going to leave it to Andrew when I die.” “What?” “Oh, don‟t look so startled. I‟m not about to shuffle off this mortal coil. I‟m just telling you about this house, its special history. I come here when I want to think, you see,” Rich said. Frankly, Nathan didn‟t see. It was a nice story, but what did it have to do with him? Rich turned to face him. Nathan noticed what piercing gray eyes he had. “If you ever need to think… somewhere peaceful… you can always come here.” “What makes you think I need to think?” “Dude, you could just say thank you.” They both looked up to see Andrew, camera in hand. He raised an eyebrow at Nathan. A bit sheepish, Nathan raised his hand in surrender. “Sorry, that was ungrateful. Thank you. If I need somewhere to think, I‟ll give you 187

Sue Brown a call.” Rich nodded. “The offer‟s always open, Nathan. Andrew, do I need to go back?” “Not yet. The caterers aren‟t finished yet. They said about half an hour. I‟m gonna grab a shower.” “I‟ll walk back with Nathan then.” Andrew bent down and kissed him. He nodded at Nathan and went back the way he came. “The dogs didn‟t get much of a walk,” said Rich as he got to his feet. “They‟ve spent all afternoon chasing the kids around the garden. I think they‟ll cope. They aren‟t young dogs anymore.” The two men followed Andrew back to the house. As it came into sight, Nathan stopped. Rich turned around in surprise. Nathan swallowed a couple of times and then asked, “Rich, are you HIV positive?” Rich didn‟t seem offended by the question. “No. Paul knew before we were together. He kept me safe. Why do you ask?” “Andrew… me… Alex… the kids.” He couldn‟t get the sentence out, but Rich seemed to understand. “I get it. I‟m safe and we get tested regularly.” “I‟m sorry.” Nathan felt like a shit but he‟d had to ask. “Don‟t be. It was a fair question. You and I are linked by our love for Andrew. Do you think he would have risked you or, God forbid, Alex and your kids?” Rich asked, his tone sounding sharper now. Nathan sighed and scrubbed his hand though his hair. “No, of course not. And we‟ve always used condoms. It‟s just it had never occurred to me… the possibility of AIDS. Y‟know, with all the other shit going on? It‟s been hard enough dealing with fucking a man and being unfaithful.” “When you put it like that….” said Rich drily. “What the hell do you think the condoms were for?” Nathan felt like an idiot. He opened his mouth to apologize again 188

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only to discover Rich was suddenly in his space and placing his mouth on Nathan‟s. He wasn‟t taking but he was waiting, and Nathan didn‟t know what the hell to do. Nathan gave up and pressed closer, letting Rich take over. This man could really kiss, all soft lips and tongue. Just when Nathan caught up with the program, Rich stepped back with a satisfied moan, leaving the younger man staring at him dazedly. Rich didn‟t seem much more focused as he staggered slightly. “I can see why he likes you so much,” he said. “Umm,” Nathan stuttered out incoherently as he put a finger to his swollen lips. “Come on, let‟s get some dinner.” Rich grinned at him and walked on ahead, not waiting for Nathan‟s brain and body to get coordinated. He watched the older man disappear into the house. Tyler nudged his hand as if to give him a suggestion to get a move on. He patted the dog‟s head absently and followed Rich into the house. By the time he got to his bedroom, any idea of thinking disappeared in the hullabaloo of getting two children ready for dinner.

THE weekend concluded with lunch, coffee, and a last playtime for the kids. Late morning saw the tired adults resting in the large lounge, with Colin and the kids playing with a huge train set on the wooden floor. Nathan‟s mom and dad were sitting with Nathan, Andrew‟s laptop on the table in front of them, previewing all the photos he‟d taken. Stephanie was resting, morning sickness taking its toll. Alex and Joe were reading on the verandah. Bob and his wife and kids had departed early that morning with a long drive ahead of them. Nathan wasn‟t sure where Rich and Andrew were. An odd noise caught Nathan‟s attention. He looked up to see his mom wiping a finger across her eyes. Her attention was entirely focused on a shot of Bob and Nathan under one of the large trees, their kids on their laps with the dogs at their feet. “Hey Mom, what‟s the matter?” Nathan put an arm around Teresa‟s shoulders, feeling them shake a little. 189

Sue Brown “I sometimes wonder if Amy has children. How old would they be? Boys or girls?” She sniffed a little as she looked at the screen. “Will we ever know?” Nathan stared helplessly at his dad over his mom‟s head. John shook his head and pulled Teresa gently into his arms. “Come on, honey, let‟s look at the others before we go for lunch.” Andrew had promised to email them to everyone to pick their favorites. Nathan and Bob were getting a large framed picture of the whole family for their parents. Andrew had offered them any photos they wanted without cost, but the boys insisted they pay for the large one. Teresa continued to flick through the remainder of the photos when she stopped at one of Nathan. He had been playing rough and tumble with Daniel, and his hair was wild and the color high in his cheeks. Nathan thought he looked like a dork, but his mother paused, not clicking the mouse to move on. “That boy really loves you,” she said, still focused on the picture. “Mom?” he said uncertainly. He knew that she knew about him and Andrew before Jess was born, because he‟d been honest enough to ask for her help, but since then he‟d not spoken about Andrew at all. He was pretty sure Alex wouldn‟t have said anything, because, although she and his parents got along fine, they weren‟t close. “Oh Nathan, you only have to look at this photo to tell how he feels about you.” “It‟s just a photo, Mom. Look at me. I‟ve got bed-hair!” he protested. “He adores you and it shows,” she answered, and his dad nodded in agreement. “Your mother‟s right, Nathan.” Teresa suddenly fixed her gaze on him and Nathan felt like he was six years old again with his hand in the cookie jar. “Is it still going on?” He opened his mouth to deny it. Nothing good would come of her knowing the truth. 190

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“Yes.” He ducked his head. “I‟m so sorry.” She sighed and reached out to him, lightly clasping his arm. “It‟s not me you should be apologizing to. Does Alex know? And what about that lovely man of his?” “Rich knows. It doesn‟t happen very often and only with his permission. And Alex—we don‟t talk about it. We‟re not really that close anymore.” It was a huge admission, the first time Nathan had admitted to anyone that his marriage was fractured, maybe beyond repair, and he could hear his voice shake as he spoke the words out loud. His mother sighed. “What on earth happened to you two? You were so close, so happy. You move to Castleton and it all goes wrong.” It‟s something Nathan had thought about often. Would he and Alex have still been happily married if he‟d never met Andrew? Maybe. Probably. But then, would Nathan have been content to live a quiet, suburban existence for his entire life where nothing ever happened? Would he have known the Big One was there? “We‟ll work it out, Mom. We‟ve got to, for Daniel and Jessie‟s sake. Besides, Andrew and me, we‟re just friends.” He looked across the room. Andrew had just walked in. He was wearing a soft, blue, tight-knit sweater which clung to his torso. The sunlight from the large windows caught the blond highlights in his hair. Andrew glanced around, caught sight of Nathan, and smiled, his eyes crinkling in the corners. Automatically Nathan returned his smile, and for one brief moment they were the only people in the room. Then Daniel ran up to Andrew and threw his arms around his legs; Andrew looked down, breaking the spell. Nathan looked away and caught his mother staring at him speculatively. “I think…” she started. “What?” “I think you really need to think about this, son. You were brought up to do the right thing by people. Are you really being fair to Alex?” “What else can I do, Mom?” he asked helplessly. She tucked him into her shoulder. He wanted nothing more than 191

Sue Brown to rest his head and let her deal with all his problems. “It‟s more difficult now, but it‟s not too late, honey, to find a new life. We didn‟t bring you up to cheat on your wife. You were so young when you got married, and maybe it seemed like the right thing to do because of the baby, but Nate, you can‟t keep lying to her.” She held onto him when he tried to pull away. “We didn‟t bring you up to lie to yourself either. You love Andrew and he most certainly loves you.” “He‟s with someone else now,” Nathan pointed out. “Andrew loves you,” his mother said simply. “But—” To both their surprise, his father spoke up. Normally he left all family matters to his wife. “There are no buts, son. You‟re nearly thirty now. It‟s time to grow up and be a man. Whether you choose Alex or Andrew, you‟ll have to take care of your family, and you know that we‟ll help you as best we can.” Nathan looked back at Andrew and then at his children, playing innocently with the trains on the floor. It wasn‟t that fucking simple. He‟d got back in the line for the Big One and somehow he didn‟t think his mom would let him out of line this time.

NATHAN‟S brief discussion with his mother had left him angry and unsettled. He knew in his heart that she was right. It was time he rode another peak of the rollercoaster and found a new job, maybe even promotion. He‟d come a long way since his early days at Castleton Elementary. Maybe now it was time to move out of the area and find another school and another fire department to get involved with. He smiled ruefully as he tidied up his classroom after the bell had gone. He was lucky to have such an understanding principal. Not many would have tolerated the amount of times the fire alarm had sounded in the early days of his new career. Nathan got the impression Principal Skinner had seen something in his new teacher that was worth nurturing, despite his obvious penchant for pyrotechnics. He and Andrew were like magnesium in air. Just one brief contact 192

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and the flames were ignited. It wasn‟t that he wanted to leave his home and his job. It was that Nathan wanted—no, needed—to reclaim his life. It seemed that the world revolved around his kids and his fleeting moments with a man who kept him in his sphere like the earth revolved around the sun. For too long now, Nathan had only felt alive when he was bathed in the warmth of Daniel and Jess or in the blazing light that was Andrew. It was time to move away from the gravitational pull of such a destructive relationship. Shit. He‟d been doing the space project way too long. Even his metaphors were clichéd. Nathan slowly cleaned the whiteboard and made sure his desk was clear. As he left his room, the school‟s secretary was walking towards him with look of relief. “Nathan! You‟re still here. Thank goodness for that. Principal Skinner wants to see you in his office before you leave.” Frowning as he looked at his watch, Nathan asked, “Is it important, Susan? I promised Daniel I‟d take him and Colin to the park this afternoon.” Susan had been at the school for years. Long enough to still recall at least one of the banes of her existence. She shuddered delicately as she peered at him over the top of her gold-rimmed glasses. “Mr. Matthews is still keeping you entertained, I see. He and young Bobby haven‟t managed to blow themselves up then?” He grinned. “Not yet, Susan. He‟s calmed down a lot since he left here.” She returned his grin, and then her face sobered. “And Andrew? How is he? Has he stayed well?” For a moment Nathan was puzzled. How would Susan know Andrew beyond minimal contact at parent-teacher evenings, let alone that he had been ill? Then he remembered that Andrew used to take the school photographs. Catching his expression, Susan said, “I saw Allison in town a while back. She said Andrew had been….” Nathan watched as she searched for a suitable euphemism. “Under the weather.” 193

Sue Brown Bet that wasn‟t what Allison called it, thought Nathan cynically. “He‟s fine now, thanks. He‟s got a good business in LA and he‟s married.” One of Susan‟s eyebrows flew up almost comically. “Married? But I heard he was seeing someone. I, uh, thought it was a man.” Nathan suppressed a sigh. He really didn‟t want to be discussing Andrew‟s private life with the school secretary in the middle of the hallway, even if it was seemingly deserted. With an effort he kept a grip on his temper. “He‟s married to the same man. His name is Rich. I thought Allison would have shared that piece of gossip. Now if you‟ll excuse me, will I find Principal Skinner in his office?” He walked off without waiting for Susan to answer, but he could feel her eyes boring into his back all the way down the hallway. It merely firmed his resolution that now was the time to leave Castleton. Right up until Principal Skinner opened his mouth. “Promotion?” Nathan stared at him. “You want to offer me a promotion?” “Not exactly,” his boss corrected. “I want you to apply for the vacancy. I have to interview all potential candidates. This is merely asking you to apply.” “But why me?” Principal Skinner‟s lips twitched. “You don‟t think you‟re good enough for promotion?” “No! I mean, yes! I mean, oh heck, I‟m not sure I what I mean.” Nathan ran his hands through his shaggy hair. It badly needed a cut. He just kept remembering Andrew‟s hands running through it as they danced, as they kissed. It was a link to that night, just like his unwashed shirt carefully folded away in his closet. He got it out occasionally and buried his nose in the fabric, trying to detect the last lingering trace of Andrew‟s cologne. “Nathan?” He was brought back to the present by the voice of his principal. Flushing guiltily, Nathan apologized for his inattention. “I‟m sorry. Yes, 194

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I‟d like to apply for the job. Thank you for thinking of me.” Skinner nodded. “Susan can give you the forms and the details. We‟ll be interviewing next week.” Nathan frowned. “Do I need to brush up on anything?” He wanted to be as prepared as possible for this interview. “You‟ll be fine. The questions I‟ll be asking are not beyond your abilities now. I don‟t think you realize just how much you do to help encourage your fellow teachers, particularly where science and mathematics are concerned.” Principal Skinner smiled encouragingly at him. “You‟ve matured into a fine teacher, Mr. Peterson.” Touched by his praise and the faith expressed in him, Nathan expressed his thanks. Leaning back in his seat, Skinner gave him a speculative look. “You know, your first year I wasn‟t sure… I heard rumors.” Nathan‟s expression hardened. “What sort of rumors?” he said coldly. Principal Skinner‟s expression didn‟t change. “That your friendship with the father of one of your pupils was close, maybe too close.” “Meaning?” Nathan wanted it spelled out. What exactly was he being accused of? “Nathan, Andrew is a friend of mine.” Nathan was about to make a smart retort when it hit him that Skinner had phrased it very specifically. He looked up. “A friend?” The Principal nodded. “We‟ve been friends for nearly twenty years, but I was always a few years ahead of him. When you‟re in high school, it isn‟t hard to work out who else is different. I kept it quiet because I wanted to teach without any problems, and he got tied into the marriage with Stephanie. It isn‟t coincidence he moved here with his family.” “But you and he….” Somehow that just seemed wrong. “No, definitely not.” Skinner tapped his finger on the table. “I told you this because I‟m not your enemy and I‟m not gossiping for the sake 195

Sue Brown of it. I am telling you what was said to me by others.” “Allison?” “Clipboard Kate herself.” Nathan looked his boss in the face. “How much do you actually know?” The Principal gave a small sigh. “Enough to know that you would have lost your job if it hadn‟t stopped. People around here aren‟t that forgiving.” “You would have fired me for having a gay relationship? That‟s discrimination,” Nathan pointed out harshly. “And you‟re not that naïve,” the principal responded, equally harshly. “You‟d have been fired for having an adulterous relationship with a parent. Nathan, gossips like Allison take great delight in poking their nose into other people‟s business. If you hadn‟t had another baby, you would have found it very difficult to continue working here.” Nathan swallowed the bitter words down because he knew that Skinner was right. He knew Allison had cottoned onto their relationship, but he hadn‟t between aware she had ever been gossiping. He‟d dodged a bullet without realizing it. Of course, if he‟d left to be with Andrew, he wouldn‟t have stayed in the area anyway. Skinner gave him a sympathetic smile. “You‟re a good teacher, Mr. Peterson, and Andrew is my friend. But public opinion would have hung you out to dry. I‟m glad it didn‟t happen that way. For what it‟s worth, you were good for him. He finally woke up to what he was missing. Now at least he is living in a happy, fulfilling relationship.” “Just not with me.” How many times had he said that? “Not with you,” agreed Skinner. Nathan stared down at his hands. He noticed they were shaking slightly. His life seemed to be a series of surreal conversations. He‟d been offered promotion and, what? Given a slap on the wrist? A warning not to step out of the usual suburban constraints. Okay then. Principal Skinner got to his feet. “I look forward to receiving your application.” “Yeah.” Nathan shook his hand and left Skinner‟s office, not sure 196

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whether he was left pleased or angry by the conversation. Everywhere he went it seemed some part of Andrew‟s life followed him, and quite frankly, he‟d had enough. He was caught in a tailspin with no idea how to break free. One minute his parents were talking divorce, and the next his boss was offering promotion if he stayed a good family man. All the time he was caught in the gravitational pull of Andrew Matthews. Nathan‟s head was spinning. He couldn‟t think of anything else beyond the fact it was definitely time he broke free from the shackles of a gay relationship he‟d never wanted in the first place.

NATHAN was sitting at the bottom of the stairs, playing trains with Daniel, when the doorbell rang. He had been holding a conversation with Alex about the prospect of a promotion while she cooked dinner and he kept Daniel from getting under her feet. It was great to have something so exciting to share with her, and they spent an hour discussing what they could do with the extra money. He couldn‟t think of separation yet. When the doorbell rang they were just about to sit down to eat, and Alex frowned in annoyance. “Get rid of them, will you. The dinner will be cold if we don‟t sit down soon.” “Will do.” Nathan got to his feet, winced a little as his muscles stretched, and answered the door, preparing to do battle with whoever stood on the doorstep. Colin was standing on the other side, his new dog by his side. “Hey Colin. Uh, I can‟t come out to walk the dogs now. We‟re just about to eat.” Colin shook his head and Nathan noticed that he was looking very distressed. “Please, Mister P, would you look after Bailey for a few days?” Nodding his head, Nathan held his hand out for the leash. Colin 197

Sue Brown handed it over, his hand trembling a little. “Sure, no problem. Colin, what‟s happened? Are you all right? Are your mom and Joe okay?” Now he was really worried. Stephanie was pregnant again and she‟d been having a few problems. She had seemed quite relaxed about it, but it was Joe‟s first child and he had been less sanguine about the battery of tests she had faced. Daniel, who had been continuing with his game, suddenly rushed forward and clasped his hands around Colin‟s legs. The older boy bent down and picked him up, burying his face in Daniel‟s curly hair, his voice muffled as he said, “Hey Daniel.” Nathan unclipped Bailey‟s leash from her collar and shut her in the living room with Tyler and Ruby. He went back to the door and placed a hand on Colin‟s arm. “Tell me what‟s wrong, Colin. Please.” The boy raised his head, an anguished twist to his mouth, his eyes bloodshot and filled with tears. Nathan waited, suddenly knowing the rollercoaster had one last maneuver before it came to a halt. “We‟ve got to go to LA.” Oh God, no! “Dad and Rich were in an accident this afternoon. Gary called. My dad.” The tears spilled over as he said, “He said… he said my dad….” His voice tailed away into nothing. The silence was only broken by Colin sobbing quietly as Daniel, only understanding his friend was upset, gently patted his back. The rollercoaster wasn‟t meant to come off the tracks, was it?

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Chapter 16

IT WAS raining as Nathan left the house to take the dogs for an early morning run the next morning, cold, dank rain which seemed to seep into his bones and matched the cold, hard pain in his heart. Nathan hadn‟t slept since the news of Andrew‟s death. He‟d lain next to Alex all night, watching the minutes crawl painfully by, unable to comprehend the fact that he would never see him again. He‟d tried to get some rest, knowing that the kids would be up early and he had a hard day ahead of him at school. Every time he‟d closed his eyes, all he could visualize was Andrew staring at him across the lawn, camera halfway to his face, with that look of stunned adoration on his face. Guilt warred with grief as he realized his last thought about Andrew had been anger at how he‟d fucked up Nathan‟s comfortable life. He didn‟t have to worry about that now. The ride was over, the rollercoaster finished. As he started stretching, the tears that he‟d been suppressing all night, not wanting to upset Alex with his grief, finally seeped out, merging with the raindrops that ran off his lashes. Tyler and Ruby milled restlessly around his feet, anxious to be off yet aware that their owner was in a state of distress. Bailey hung back, not really sure what was going on. Coaxing the dogs ahead of him, Nathan ran towards the park, struggling to maintain his breathing as he sobbed in the cold morning air. The harshness of the cold sent stabbing pains through his chest. It was only once he reached the gates that he realized that the park was full of memories of Andrew—more to the point, memories of him with Andrew. The top of the hill where he had knocked Andrew over before New Year‟s Eve, their first soccer game, where they‟d fucked before 199

Sue Brown Andrew said goodbye. Everywhere he ran there was a moment with Andrew. Normally it gave him comfort, but not today. As he rounded a bend, he stumbled, unable to save himself as Tyler got in his way. He landed hard on the ground, scraping his palms and knees in the process. Shocked and in pain, Nathan yelled at the dog to “Stay out of my fucking way,” pushing the startled animal away when he tried to come close. He tried to get to his feet and ended up scuttling sideways so that he rested his back against a tree, as he bent his head into arms, drew his knees up, and cried, tears streaming without pause down his red and stinging cheeks. He became aware of a hand resting on his shoulder. “Son, are you alright?” Nathan raised his head to see a middle-aged woman he vaguely recognized staring worriedly down at him. She was holding the leash of a Bichon Frise who was nudging him curiously. “Are you all right?” she repeated. He became aware he was just staring at her blankly. “Yeah, I, uh….” Nathan tried to get to his feet, but time spent on the cold ground and his grazed hands and knees had made him stiffen up. He stumbled and ended up falling against the woman. “Are you drunk?” the woman asked disapprovingly as she restored him to his feet with some difficulty. Nathan could have sworn she sniffed at him. He snorted. “I only wish I were.” At her tsking he said, “M‟sorry. I had some bad news. A… friend died.” Her face cleared and she patted his arm consolingly. “I‟m so sorry. Were you close?” Nathan‟s throat closed up as he tried to answer. “I… I loved him.” He expected another disapproving look, but instead her face softened. “Go home, son. You‟ll catch your death out here.” Nathan looked around. He‟d forgotten about the dogs in his grief. The three of them were waiting patiently on the grass for him to notice them. They looked up as he took a step towards them, Ruby and Bailey wagging their tails at him. Tyler hung back, his ears down, clearly not 200

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sure if he should approach Nathan or not. “You‟ve trained your dogs very well,” the woman said. “They didn‟t move the whole time you were by the tree.” Nathan knelt down, wincing as the grit hurt the lacerations on his knees, and coaxed the larger dog into his arms. “I‟m so sorry, boy.” He buried his head in Tyler‟s wet fur and hugged him by way of apology. The dog whined and snuffled in his ear. “Do you want me to walk with you?” Nathan started; he‟d forgotten that the woman was still standing there, her little dog close to her feet. Wearily he got to his feet. “I‟m fine, honestly. I should be getting back home to help my wife with the children.” Now the woman‟s eyebrows shot comically into her bangs. Maybe that wasn‟t the most sensible thing he could have said, but fuck it, if she wanted to get disapproving, let her. He wasn‟t in the mood to care. She just gave him a kind smile and reiterated her sorrow at his loss. To his relief she moved away, and he whistled for the dogs to follow him. Nathan left the park, limping in pain as he walked home. The rain had eased to a light drizzle, but it was still cold, and he shivered in his light running gear. He had no idea how long he‟d been in the park, but it couldn‟t be that late, because Allison and Jim hadn‟t left for work; their matching cars were still in their driveway. The dogs were soaked and, as Alex didn‟t like wet dogs trailing through the house, he took them around the side so he could towel them off in the utility room. The door wasn‟t even fully open when Alex came running down the stairs. “Where the hell have you been? I‟ve been trying to call you.” She sounded odd, excited almost. “Taking the dogs for a walk like normal. Why were you calling?” He had Bailey in a firm hold while he rubbed over his thick fur. She knelt down next to Nathan and took his hand. Surprised at the unexpected contact, he looked up at her. “Stephanie called an hour ago. She has some news.” 201

Sue Brown ANDREW‟S journey back to consciousness was slow and painful. It wasn‟t earned easily and neither was it welcomed. He knew Rich was dead before Steph held his hand and told him. He knew because Rich was dead before their car crashed. He‟d died at the wheel, and there wasn‟t a damn thing he could have done to prevent it or the accident that followed. He remembered the car swerving, the unexpected movement disturbing him from the light doze he‟d fallen into, and then opening his eyes to see his husband draped over the steering wheel, his eyes staring blankly at him. Yeah, that image was etched vividly even here, in this half world. After that there was crushing metal and shattering glass and the noise that would live with him until the end of his days. He was glad to close his eyes and fall into the blackness away from the empty eyes. There was pain and the light hurt his eyes, but they kept dragging him back despite his protests. He told them to leave him alone, to let him die, but they ignored everything he said. It was a while before he realized he hadn‟t said a word and that the protests were just inside his head. They held his hand. He could feel that. It was his link with reality. The small hand of his ex-wife; Joe‟s large hand, slightly uncomfortable at the contact; Colin‟s shaking around his, holding onto him with grim desperation. There were other hands that he didn‟t recognize, and one he didn‟t expect, huge and warm, stroking his fingers. He knew he was safe in that grasp and he went back to sleep. Sometimes he could feel those hands over his body, the familiar touch along his back, his legs. Andrew wondered if he dreamed those touches, but it didn‟t really matter. He welcomed them anyway. They talked to him while they sat beside his bed. At first he couldn‟t make out what they were saying and it was intrusive, dragging him back from the blissful, pain-free darkness. After a while though, he began to listen to their words. They told him so much more than they realized, sitting in the room with just an unconscious man for company. 202

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He learned about Steph‟s hopes and fears about being pregnant again, Joe‟s worries about being a new dad. Colin just talked, clinging onto his hand, between “I thought you were dead,” and “You fucking left me.” The last shook Andrew to the core. His son had never once verbalized any of this to him or to his mother, and yet now, when Andrew was unable to answer him or hold him, the bitterness came tumbling out. Gary and Gabe took their turns with snarky remarks about lazyassed dudes who lay in bed all day, but Andrew could hear the worry in their voices. Nathan talked to him as well. He couldn‟t work out why Nathan was in LA, but he took his turn holding Andrew‟s hand more than once. At one point Andrew fought his way back through the pain that threatened to suffocate him to hear Nathan telling him how much he loved him. He tried to respond, but they must have taken it for a cry of pain, because he felt darkness catching up again and fell asleep to the sound of Nathan‟s voice begging him to hold on. They all said the same thing, over and over, “We thought you were dead,” and they spoke of their joy on finding he had survived the mangled wreckage, their pain turned to hope when they discovered the initial reports were incorrect. He wasn‟t dead. Not yet. Nathan was the only person who talked about Rich. Perhaps the others didn‟t get the memo telling them Andrew wanted to hear about his husband, his sweet, kind, handsome husband. He wanted to know that he‟d been taken care of while Andrew couldn‟t. He felt sure Rich‟s secretary, Ida, would have organized everything. And what had happened to Ida now that Rich wasn‟t around? He did though, his sometime lover, he talked about Rich with warmth and affection and it comforted Andrew. Andrew was so grateful to everyone. He wanted to tell them before he let go, before he went to join his husband. He hoped God would let it be soon, because the pain was getting stronger, it seemed to last longer before the next period of unconsciousness.

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HE WOKE up one day to find Nathan asleep next to him, his overlong hair close to Andrew‟s face and tickling his cheek. He was sitting in plastic chair next to the bed and had been grading papers before he had fallen asleep, bent over the bed. With difficulty, Andrew raised his arm and gently entangled his fingers through Nathan‟s hair. He really was ridiculously weak. The movement didn‟t disturb the sleeping man beyond a light sigh and a nuzzle into the caress. Andrew thought he ought to let someone know he was awake, but the buzzer was out of his reach and he didn‟t want to disturb Nathan. Maybe he‟d just rest his eyes for few minutes. Colin greeted his next awakening with a loud whoop. Andrew looked around. There was no sign of Nathan and he guessed he had been asleep somewhat longer than a few minutes, as it was now daylight. “You‟re awake? You’re awake! Mom, Mom, he‟s really awake!” Andrew grinned as his teenage son didn‟t seem to know whether to hug him or run for help, and ended up poised between the door and the bed like a gazelle about to take flight. Stephanie burst through the door, closely followed by a male nurse and Joe. “Oh my God, Andrew, you‟re awake. Thank you, thank you, God.” She was crying and smiling, the tears streaming down her face as she leaned over and hugged him. He tried to speak but his mouth was dry. The nurse saw his difficulty and offered him some ice chips to soothe his parched throat. Andrew croaked out his thanks as the ice melted in his mouth. The nurse—Andrew found out his name was Shane—busied himself taking observations while his family celebrated his return to the land of the living. Andrew tried hard to cooperate but was worn out after a few minutes, and seeing his patient yawn, Shane gently ushered 204

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everyone out. As he left the room, Colin protested that someone needed to sit with him. As Andrew closed his eyes, he overheard Stephanie telling him that it wasn‟t so important now that Andrew was on the mend. He smiled as Colin told her in no uncertain terms that he was coming back in to be with his dad until Nathan turned up. He felt someone pick up his hand as he slipped back to sleep, comforted by the fact he wasn‟t alone, curious to know why Nathan was in LA. He‟d ask them next time he awoke, knowing for sure there would be a next time. Nathan made it back to the hospital for the weekend. Andrew‟s transfer to the hospital at Castleton once he was stable enough to move had made it easier on all of them to visit. Alex had agreed he could visit if he looked after the kids in the afternoon so she could go shopping with some of her friends. To his surprise Daniel asked to come too, but as Andrew was still quite fragile, he suggested to his son he wait a little longer. Daniel sulked a little but was mollified with the promise of an afternoon at the movies if Colin was free. Sometimes Nathan thought he had acquired a son by proxy, as Daniel would rarely go anywhere unless he knew Colin was coming as well. The trip to the hospital was an easy one on a Saturday morning, and he found a parking space very easily. He was pushing through the double doors to the ward when he heard Colin‟s voice raised in anger as he yelled at his father to stop treating him like a kid. He smiled. Andrew must be better if Colin was back to yelling at him. Nathan narrowly avoided being ground into the wall when the door of the room where Andrew had been moved was slammed open and Colin stormed out. “Colin? Are you okay?” He hurried after the boy who had reached the elevator and was moodily stabbing at the down button. “What?” Colin looked up, lost in his anger. “Are you all right?” Nathan repeated. “I heard shouting.” “Oh yeah, yeah, it was just Dad. He‟s….” 205

Sue Brown “It‟s not your fault, hon. He‟s just having a bad day.” Nathan looked round to see Stephanie walking towards them, a harried expression on her face. “What‟s the matter with him?” Nathan was concerned. Andrew had been making good progress since regaining consciousness. “He yelled at me for moving his TV so I could see it as well. Then he yelled at me for spilling his water like I‟m six years old, and then—” In the pause for breath, Stephanie intervened. “He‟s tired and hurting today.” She gave Nathan a significant look. He nodded, understanding what she wasn‟t saying. Up to now Andrew had been remarkably cheerful, unnaturally so. As far as Nathan was aware, he hadn‟t shown any emotion about losing Rich at all. They had all been waiting for him to crack. “Ruth‟s in there with him.” Andrew‟s mother trying to be motherly? Nathan raised an eyebrow at Stephanie. She was the last person Andrew needed to see if he was struggling. “I couldn‟t stop her. She hasn‟t seen him since he regained consciousness,” she said defensively. “Maybe I shouldn‟t go in.” Nathan knew that Ruth was aware of their relationship. She would be unlikely to be happy to see him and, knowing that woman, she would likely say so. Stephanie shook her head. “At least go and say hello. He‟s probably yelling at her right now. It‟ll give him someone else to be nasty to.” “Thanks for that,” he commented as he opened the door. “It‟s God‟s will, Andrew. Rich is paying for his sins, just as you surely will. Next it will be your family burning in hell unless you repent.” Nathan stopped in the doorway, unable to believe what he had just heard. Ruth was sitting by Andrew‟s bed, holding his uninjured hand. He was sitting up, face pale and mouth tight as he listened to his mother‟s lecture. 206

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“The pastor told you that God would wreak punishment on you for your abhorrent practice.” Nathan watched as Andrew seemed to shrink against the pillows, his eyes growing dull and lifeless. “Get out!” For the second time in the space of five minutes, Nathan was shoved to one side as Stephanie barged into the room. Ruth looked up, her lips pursing as she said, “Really Stephanie, there is no need to bellow at me. Oh.” Her mouth got even thinner as she saw Nathan. “You‟re here. How is your lovely wife? You should be at home with her instead of here with my son.” He walked around the bed so that he could place his hand on Andrew‟s shoulder to give him support. He felt the older man lean desperately into the touch. “Andrew is my friend.” “Ye-es, only his idea of a friend isn‟t one that decent people understand.” She drew the words out in a nasty tone. “Get out!” Nathan watched in satisfaction as Ruth flinched in the face of her ex-daughter-in-law‟s anger. Stephanie yanked Andrew‟s hand out of his mother‟s and stared down at her, her whole body radiating her fury. “How dare you come in here and lecture your son with your bullshit. Andrew needs your support, not your bigotry. He lost the man he loved and nearly died. You are an evil woman and a worse mother. Now get out of this room and go home. You aren‟t welcome here, Ruth.” Nathan was cheering inside but he kept his face expressionless, just holding Andrew closer as he felt him shake under his touch. Colin wasn‟t so tactful. He had been standing in the doorway watching the effects of his grandmother haranguing his father. “You leave my dad alone, you old bitch!” He had forgotten his own tantrum a few minutes previously. Ruth‟s face was flushed red with anger and her lips pressed so thinly they almost disappeared. Nathan guessed she was rarely spoken 207

Sue Brown to like that; most times he had seen her they had just ignored her lectures as best as possible. “Colin!” “Don‟t speak to your grandmother like that!” Both Stephanie and Andrew admonished their son, but Nathan could feel the tension increasing in Andrew‟s shoulders under his hands. “Why don‟t we take this outside and give Andrew some peace and quiet,” he suggested. He was interrupted by Shane and another man with Security on his tag. “What is going on? We can hear the noise from down the hallway.” Without waiting for an answer he continued, “Andrew, I‟m sorry, but there are very sick people on either side of you. Your guests are going to have to leave now.” Andrew nodded weakly as he lay back on the pillows. Nathan thought he looked whiter than the linen itself, and it was obvious he was in pain from the deep lines around his mouth. “I‟m sorry, Shane. Things just got a bit heated,” Stephanie apologized as she herded Ruth and Colin out of the room, ignoring her protestations. “Can Nathan at least say hello to Andrew? He only just got here.” She left, pushing Andrew‟s mother and Colin through the door. “If you can make him take his meds and have a wash, he‟s all yours,” Shane agreed. Nathan looked sternly at Andrew. “Well?” he asked. “M‟fine. Don‟t need more drugs,” mumbled Andrew, flushing pink under Nathan‟s direct gaze. “Sure you are. That‟s why you look like shit,” agreed Nathan. “Shane, where are the meds?” The nurse came into the room. The security man had wandered off after the other three, maybe to make sure they actually did leave the building. “They‟re on the table, Nate.” 208

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He felt, rather than saw, Andrew‟s head swing round to him. If there was one thing guaranteed to get Andrew‟s attention, it was someone calling him Nate. It was personal and it was Andrew‟s. However, Shane and Nathan had spent long hours together as they waited for Andrew to wake up. Shane probably knew more about him than anyone at the moment. He felt he‟d made a friend out of the experience. Nathan handed him the tablets with a drink of water. Andrew opened his mouth to refuse, but a hard stare from both Nathan and Shane made him change his mind and he took them with a glare. “Satisfied?” “Now he needs a clean-up. He‟s ripe,” the nurse ordered. Andrew closed his eyes. “Maybe tomorrow.” “You really need it now, dude. Shane‟s right. You stink.” “Gimme the washcloth.” Andrew grabbed it from Shane and swiped it over his face. “There. Satisfied?” “Jessie can do a better job than that,” jibed Nathan. “M‟too tired.” Andrew lay back against the pillows and closed his eyes again, ignoring them both. “Why don‟t you let Nate help you? He did it while you were unconscious,” Shane suggested as he went into the bathroom. Andrew‟s eyes flew open. “You did what?” Nathan stared at the floor, feeling intensely uncomfortable. Andrew did not look pleased by this piece of information. “I, uh, gave you sponge baths while you were out.” “Why?” “It soothed you. His touch seemed to calm you down. If anyone else tried, you got quite agitated,” said Shane, coming out of the bathroom with some soap and a towel. Face aflame, Andrew turned his head away from both of them. “Quit your pouting, Princess.” Nathan decided to go for humor to break the tension. “Someone had to hose you down to stop pest control being called in. They asked Gary, but he didn‟t want to break a nail.” 209

Sue Brown Andrew snorted, but Nathan spotted the smile he was trying to suppress. Nathan didn‟t begin to wash him until the pain lines eased from Andrew‟s face. He gave him the washcloth and watched as he cleaned his face, properly this time. Andrew managed that, but even that little effort left him weakened. He managed his chest and groin, grunting a little at the effort. Nathan went to get some fresh water to give him the illusion of privacy. “Finished.” Realizing how tired he was, wordlessly Nathan took the cloth from him and dried him off. Andrew looked mulish for a minute and then his resistance collapsed. Talking about his previous day at work to distract him, Nathan slowly washed the rest of him, rolling him over to clean his back and ass. Andrew let himself be moved like a small child. His responses to Nathan‟s light patter got slower and quieter until they stopped altogether. Nathan thought he‟d fallen asleep until Andrew said, “Momma— sorry.” For a minute Nathan thought Andrew was apologizing to his mother, and then he realized Andrew was apologizing for his mother‟s behavior. “Not a problem.” He stroked Andrew‟s hair. It hadn‟t been washed since the accident and was greasy to the touch. Andrew was still turned away from him and the sheet was low on his hips. Nathan could see the bruises from the crash, slowly fading to dull yellows and browns, their marks punctuated by the belt lines of the whippings from Momma and pastor. He swallowed hard, saying, “It‟s never a problem.” He traced the thin, white scars as they disappeared under the sheet. “I felt you,” Andrew said after another long pause. “What?” “Washing me when I was unconscious. I felt your hands on me. You were the only one who talked about Rich. Everyone else avoided 210

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talking about him.” His voice was soft, almost dreamy. “It seemed right,” Nathan said simply. “Do you think she‟s right?” “Who?” “Momma. Is Rich dead because I‟m gay?” Nathan didn‟t know how to respond for a minute. “Do you really believe that, Andrew? Do you really think your husband died of heart disease because of your desire to fuck men?” His words were harsh, but his tone was calm and steady. Still, Andrew flinched. Nathan resisted the temptation to try and gather him into his arms. When Andrew didn‟t answer, he tapped his shoulder. He wasn‟t prepared to let Andrew sleep on this one. “No… I don‟t.” Slurred but certain, Andrew answered eventually. Nathan pressed a kiss into Andrew‟s shoulder blade. “Nor do I. Go to sleep.” Andrew slept.

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ANDREW‟S discharge from the hospital was delayed by an infection that left him weak, frustrated, and when he was awake, grumpy as all hell. All told, he was in the hospital for just over three weeks, and when he was due to be discharged, it was obvious to everyone except Andrew that he was going to need some assistance for a short while. He could manage dressing with the cast on his arm reasonably well, as long as he stuck with sweatpants and loose T-shirts, but day-today domesticities such as hair washing and cooking were still beyond him, despite his protests. His family was making plans for him to live with them rather than return to the apartment in LA or the house by the lake. Joe and Stephanie, together with Andrew‟s parents and Nathan and Alex, were chatting over coffee and Ruth‟s home-baked cookies in Stephanie‟s large kitchen. Stephanie had made a tentative peace with Mrs. Matthews following the outburst in the hospital. As normal, Colin was playing on the floor with Daniel and Jessie. Stephanie firmly vetoed Ruth‟s suggestion that Andrew return to Texas where she could look after him. Hell would freeze over before she‟d let Andrew back into the clutches of his mother. The consensus was that Andrew would return to his old home in their basement while he recuperated, and then they would decide whether he was well enough to return home. Colin listened to the council of war with a puzzled expression on his face. “Have you actually asked Dad what he wants to do?” The six adults looked down at him, the pause and the guilty looks on their faces a clear indication that Andrew‟s opinion had not been 212

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taken into consideration. “Have any of you spoken to him at all?” he asked incredulously. At the lack of response, he laughed. “He‟s gonna tell you all to get lost; y‟know that, right?” “Don‟t be ridiculous, Colin,” Mrs. Matthews snapped. “He‟s sensible enough to know he‟ll need help.” “Colin‟s right though,” Joe said. “We‟re sitting here making plans and none of us have asked him what he wants to do.” Alex picked apart one of the cookies and ate the chocolate chips, pushing the rest around the plate. Nathan wasn‟t quite sure why she was here at all. “I‟d have thought he‟d want to go home. He‟s probably got all Rich‟s affairs to sort out as well.” Nathan was about to snap at her until he remembered that she must know exactly what Andrew was going through. She‟d lost her entire family in an accident and, bar an aunt, had to sort out everything by herself. If anyone understood, it was her. He placed a hand over hers and squeezed it gently. She looked up and smiled at him. Colin scowled at her. “It‟s too soon to be throwing Rich‟s stuff out.” “That‟s not what Alex meant,” Nathan said, not letting go of her hand. “The fact is,” Nick began, and they all turned to him in surprise. Andrew‟s father rarely intervened in his family affairs. He rarely spoke at all, and in his bleak moments of rage against Ruth, Nathan had wondered if Ruth had beaten his spirit out of her husband during their years of marriage, mentally and physically. “The fact is,” he repeated, “until Andrew gets the cast off, he needs help. He‟s still very weak and he either needs to come back here or go back to LA with a nurse.” “Or Santa Fe.” Ruth pursed her lips. “You are working all day, Stephanie,” she pointed out. “Colin is at school. I am at home and can give him the support he needs, with the Lord‟s help of course.” Stephanie snorted, and Joe and Nathan hastily looked away to avoid laughing openly. “He‟s staying here with us,” she told Ruth firmly, with a tone that suggested Ruth had better drop the idea of Santa 213

Sue Brown Fe immediately. Unfortunately, Ruth never had learned when to quit. “But he‟s your ex-husband, Stephanie, it‟s not right.” She appealed directly to Joe. “How do you feel about another man in your house? You can‟t want him living with you.” Joe shook his head firmly. He‟d never had an issue with Andrew living with them and he told her so bluntly. Nathan listened to the exchange with interest. He wondered if Andrew realized how many people looked out for him. Between his family and friends, there were a whole lot of people who cared very deeply about him. “So who‟s telling him he‟s coming back here?” Colin asked. He sounded a little breathless, as he was giving Jessie horsey rides around the kitchen with Daniel‟s encouraging whoops. “I‟ll do it,” Stephanie said. “He can bitch all he likes, but he needs help and that‟s the end of it.” “Andrew‟s gonna want to go back to LA for the memorial service next month,” Nathan pointed out, and there was a sudden hush. Andrew had missed Rich‟s funeral while he was in the hospital. There was no way he was going to miss his memorial service. It had been organized by Rich‟s secretary, Ida. She had flown to Castleton to discuss the arrangements with Andrew, giving them the opportunity to mourn together for their loved one for the first time. Ida had adored Rich and Andrew as the sons she never wanted. She found herself facing a new boss for the first time in over a decade and had decided to retire, not wanting to start again. Her last act on behalf of Rich and Andrew was to organize the memorial service in LA. “He‟s also got to sort out his business,” Joe said. Nathan could see that was worrying Andrew. His photographic business had ground to a halt after the accident. Gary and Ida had done their best to help, passing work to friends in the trade, but Andrew wasn‟t earning and wouldn‟t be anytime soon, his broken arm making sure of that. Money wasn‟t an immediate issue, and Rich‟s life insurance policy would see him comfortably wealthy, especially with the two properties now in his name, but Andrew had worked hard his 214

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entire life to support his family. Now he was like a ship without a rudder: no partner and no job. All family and friends tried to point out that Andrew had plenty of time to make new decisions, but the lack of focus gnawed away at him, contributing to his bad temper. “I‟ll talk to Andrew this evening,” Stephanie said abruptly. “We can‟t put it off any longer. Shane said the doctors think he‟s well enough to be discharged at the beginning of the week if the infection subsides.” “Good luck with that.” Nathan grinned at her, thankful that he wasn‟t going to be the one having that conversation with Andrew. “Thanks,” she said, knowing exactly what he was thinking. “Do you think I could borrow Daniel‟s helmet and shield?” Daniel looked up as his name was mentioned. “Why do you need those, Auntie Steph? Are you off to slay a dragon?” The adults laughed, relieved to break the tension, as Colin shook his head. “Something much worse than a dragon.” Daniel looked awed. “Worse than a dragon?” Colin nodded solemnly. “Mom needs your sword and helmet to slay a grumpy ogre.” Daniel looked as skeptical as a five-year-old could. “A grumpy ogre? How can that be worse than a fire-breathing dragon?” “Have you seen Shrek?” The boy nodded. “Who caught the dragon?” Daniel‟s mouth fell open. “Auntie Steph‟s gonna kill Shrek?” His bottom lip wobbled for a moment and he shot an accusing look at Stephanie. “Nice one, Colin.” Stephanie sighed and got down on the floor with Daniel. “I‟m not killing Shrek. I just want to protect myself from Uncle Andrew. He‟s a bit grumpy at the moment.” “Oh!” Daniel‟s face cleared and he nodded in agreement. “You need to tell him his mommy will smack his bottom if he doesn‟t behave.” 215

Sue Brown It should have been funny, an innocent remark from a young child. Ruth certainly chuckled, but she was the only one. Nathan wondered if he was the only one who wanted to cry at the thought of what Ruth actually had done to Andrew‟s backside over many years, leaving behind the scars. Judging from Stephanie and Colin‟s faces, he didn‟t think so. Even Nick looked faintly sick. “Time we went home, squirt,” he said to Daniel and held out his arms. Daniel went willingly and let himself be scooped up together with Jessie. Colin helped his mother off the floor, grinning at her groan as she stood up. Her small frame meant her bump was showing early, and she was starting to find moving around more difficult. “When are you going to see him?” Alex asked as she held out her hands for her daughter. “No time like the present, I guess.” Stephanie grimaced. Andrew‟s mood was, at best, grumpy. This wasn‟t a conversation she was looking forward to introducing. “I‟ll go with you,” Joe assured her, and got up as if they were going right this second. “I think Nathan should go too.” Nathan, Stephanie, and Joe turned to stare at Alex in surprise. “What?” she said defensively. “Nathan seems to be the only one he‟ll listen to at the moment.” “It‟s the kids‟ bedtime,” he pointed out, ignoring her statement. She was correct, but it didn‟t seem right to acknowledge it—not without having to think why. “They spent the last few weeks without you,” Alex said. “One more evening won‟t make any difference, and I‟m sure Colin will help, won‟t you?” “Sure,” he agreed. “Can I go to Bobby‟s after?” he asked Stephanie. “If you‟re back by ten,” his mom agreed. Then she added, “It‟s a school night,” when he seemed ready to argue. 216

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“Fine,” he mumbled and turned away. Nathan shook his head. “I want to put the kids to bed. I‟ll pop in tomorrow if he hasn‟t been kicked out.” “Evening, dudes.” Gary was at the doorway, grinning at them. His hair was longer than ever and he looked totally disreputable. Nathan had to fight down the urge to hide. “Gary!” Stephanie shrieked, running over to give him a kiss. He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tightly. “Hey, pretty momma,” he drawled, bending down to drop a kiss on her smooth cheek. She rolled her eyes and pulled back. “You look like shit,” she said bluntly. “Auntie Steph said a rude word!” Daniel informed his father. Nathan made a tsking noise at Stephanie. “Naughty Auntie Steph,” he said, wagging his finger. “She‟s right though. You look awful.” Gary shrugged. “Been driving a coupla days to get here. Haven‟t had much sleep in the last two weeks.” He‟d been touring with his band when he got the call about Andrew and Rich‟s accident. He‟d flown back to see Andrew, then gone straight back on the road. “So do you want some sleep before you go and see Andrew?” asked Stephanie. “You can have the den tonight. I just need to put some fresh sheets down there.” “I‟ve already been,” Gary smiled at her. “He‟s cranky and says he‟s bored, but he fell asleep soon after I arrived.” “Sounds like our boy,” she agreed. “Perhaps I ought to postpone this discussion until tomorrow.” Gary raised an eyebrow. “Sounds serious.” He looked around hopefully. “Who do I have to blow—” cutting himself off as he realized Ruth and Nick were in the room. “Ruth!” He held out his arms. “Come here and give me a hug. I swear you look younger every time I see 217

Sue Brown you.” She simpered and shook her head, but came over for a hug anyway. Gary was the only one of Andrew‟s friends who did everything that Ruth abhorred and yet she thought he was wonderful. To his credit, Gary had never once told her exactly what he thought of her treatment of the man he regarded as his best friend. Joe offered him a bottle of beer with a knowing smirk. “On the house,” he said. “No favors required.” They shared a grin and Gary turned to greet everyone else. Alex gave him a kiss, and he dropped a light kiss on Jessica‟s head. “We‟re just off. It‟s the kids‟ bedtime.” “Jessie‟s grown so much,” he said as the toddler ducked and hid her face. “She‟s a little shy.” “She‟s gorgeous, just like her mother,” Gary told her, and Alex blushed a little. He turned to Nathan and nodded. “Nathan.” That was all. No matter how long they knew each other, Nathan got the feeling Gary would never quite forgive him for not being enough, not manning up for Andrew in the way he should have. Nathan muttered a hello and left it at that. Gary shook Nick‟s hand, hugged Colin, and that took care of the greetings. Alex and Nathan were about to take their leave when Gary said, “Andrew mentioned he was leaving the hospital next week.” Stephanie nodded and grimaced. “That‟s what I need to talk to him about. Where he‟s gonna live until the cast is off. He‟s been so grumpy none of us have dared to broach the subject.” Snorting, Gary said, “Bunch of pansies, the lot of you.” He ignored Ruth‟s frown and continued, “That nurse, Shane is it, told him he wouldn‟t be released unless he was gonna get some help.” They all grinned at that. Shane was the only one Andrew didn‟t shout at, mainly because the nurse shouted right back. Andrew had learned to hold his tongue around him, only bursting out in frustrated grumbles when the door was shut and he couldn‟t see Shane‟s satisfied 218

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grin. “He thinks you‟re gonna make him live here for a few weeks.” Stephanie shrugged. “That‟s the idea. Any better suggestions?” “Nope. I told him to stop whining and deal. He‟ll come to me for the memorial service.” “You‟ve already told him this?” Stephanie said slowly. “‟Course.” Gary grinned. “I told him the alternative was someone like Shane looking after him for a few weeks. He went pale at the thought.” “I thought Shane was great,” Nathan interjected. “You haven‟t got him telling you what to do every five minutes,” Gary pointed out. “He may look like Mary Poppins, but he‟s got the soul of Hitler.” He paused. “Come to think of it, so did Mary Poppins. Andrew hates him with a passion.” “Perfect.” Stephanie grinned, looking around the assembled crowd. “I‟ll go and see him tonight to confirm the arrangements. Thanks, Gary.” “Pleasure.” He yawned, his stubbled face contorting for a minute. Joe looked at his unexpected guest. “You need sleep,” he pointed out. “I‟ll get the sheets and the comforter. Come on.” Nathan and Alex took that moment to take their leave, Jessie almost asleep in Alex‟s arms. As they walked back to number twenty-four, Nathan said quietly, “I never said thank you.” His wife looked over enquiringly. “What for?” “For letting me sit with Andrew. I know it put extra pressure on you.” Alex took a long time to answer, shifting Jessie to the other shoulder before she answered. “I know how you feel about each other. You‟d have been miserable if you hadn‟t been there.” Swallowing hard, Nathan found it difficult to form the words. “I, uh, yes, but….” 219

Sue Brown “I hate it,” Alex said fiercely. “I hate the fact you love him and not me.” Jessie protested sleepily as her arms tightened too hard. “You made a mockery of our marriage.” She took a shuddering breath. “But you stayed and that means something, so yeah, I gave you that.” He wanted to say something to make it better, but what the hell could he say? “Thank you,” he said lamely. They said nothing further as they walked back to their house.

ANDREW took the news of his impending living arrangements as anticipated. He woke from a restless sleep to discover Stephanie sitting by his bedside, reading a trashy magazine. She hadn‟t made it back to the hospital the previous evening, her plans derailed by an argument with Colin about his curfew. He had ended up grounded and in a major snit, with Stephanie standing guard over him as he was made to scrub the bathrooms—all of them. “Wassa time?”Andrew murmured, his voice raspy as he tried to speak. “Four,” Stephanie told him, offering him a cup of water already poured on the nightstand. He sat up and accepted the cup, drinking the water until the cup was empty. Stephanie looked at her ex-husband closely. He was looking a lot better, despite having just woken up. The glazed look in his eyes had gone and the flush that had covered his skin had faded. “How are you feeling?” she asked. “Much better,” he admitted, placing the cup on the nightstand. “The doctor wants to discharge me tomorrow.” “That‟s great!” Stephanie smiled at him warmly. “God, you must desperate to get out of here.” Andrew hesitated a fraction too long. “What‟s wrong?” she asked, reaching out to touch him on the arm not covered in the grubby cast. 220

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“Gary said I ought to come back to your place.” His voice sounded upset, and she could see the color rising in his cheeks again. Choosing her words carefully, she said, “Is that a problem? Just for a short while until the cast is off?” “You all think I‟m incapable of looking after myself?” “No!” she protested. “None of us think that! But, Andrew, you‟re still weak.” Ignoring his glare, she carried on, “You‟ve got your arm in a cast and the furthest you‟ve been in three weeks is the bathroom. Come on, Andrew, be sensible.” Andrew lay back on the pillows, closing his eyes for a minute. He opened them again to see Stephanie looking steadily at him. He sighed, not wanting to admit she was right. “Okay, just for a little while until the cast is off, and then I‟m going back to our… my place.” He stumbled over the words, swallowing hard against the lump in his throat. Stephanie made no comment, just moving so she could stroke his hair comfortingly. “I‟m so sorry about Rich.” She‟d said it so many times, and the response every time was the same. “Yeah, me too.” A bland, emotionless response. “Andrew.” It was worrying everyone that Andrew didn‟t appear to be grieving for the loss of his husband. It was three weeks since the accident and he‟d barely shown any visible signs of grief. Stephanie was concerned Andrew was repressing his emotions again. She remembered what he was like as a teenager, coping with his sexuality and his mother‟s extreme discipline. He‟d been like a powder keg, ready to explode at any moment. Stephanie watched as Andrew flung an arm over his face, hiding it from her worried gaze. That was how Shane and Nathan found them a few minutes later. They opened the door, stopping abruptly in the doorway as they took in the scene. “Is everything… Andrew, are you all right?” Shane came over to the side of the bed, laying two fingers on Andrew‟s wrist. “M‟fine,” he muttered, pulling his arm away. 221

Sue Brown Nathan hesitated in the doorway, not sure what to do, then he stalked over to the bed and pulled Andrew into a huge hug, trying not to knock his broken arm. Andrew resisted for a minute, but it was Nathan, and he went limp, burying his flushed face in Nathan‟s neck. Nathan ignored everyone else as he murmured comforting nonsense in Andrew‟s ear, shielding him in his arms. Andrew let himself be comforted for a few minutes, then he pulled away, wiping his hand over his face. “Here.” Shane offered Andrew a damp washcloth. Nathan took it from him instead and wiped Andrew‟s face as tenderly as if he were Daniel or Jessie. “I‟m not a kid,” growled Andrew. Nathan dropped his head forward and brushed Andrew‟s ear. “Mmm, I know that,” he whispered, grinning as Andrew flushed even harder. “Uh, guys?” Shane and Stephanie were watching them, amusement overlaying the concern. Nathan sat back, brushing Andrew‟s sweaty hair back from his face. “Better?” he asked, concern darkening his eyes. Andrew nodded. “Sorry,” he said to Stephanie. She waved an unconcerned hand. “Not a problem.” And God, it really wasn‟t. Shane poured him another drink of water and offered it to him with some tablets. Andrew looked at them with extreme dislike. “I suppose you‟re going to ignore me if I say I don‟t need them, aren‟t you?” “You got it,” Shane agreed cheerfully. Andrew took them with ill grace, glowering at the barely concealed grins of Stephanie and Nathan. “Happy now?” he demanded as he put the cup down. “Good boy.” Nathan patted him on the head and jumped back as Andrew‟s cast came flying towards him. 222

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“Ow, fuck!” Although his arm didn‟t connect with Nathan, the sudden movement was enough to send pain shooting down his arm. Shane‟s eyebrows shot up. “Tell me, Andrew, are you always this violent?” “Only when I‟m provoked.” Andrew huffed again, and they all laughed at him. He rubbed his arm and retreated into what could best be described as a sulk. “Have you decided on your living arrangements after discharge?” the nurse asked Andrew as he tidied away the cup and the washcloth. “Haven‟t you all decided for me?” Andrew snarked. “Andrew!” Stephanie chided him gently. Shane was obviously a master at ignoring his patients‟ bad moods. “Excellent!” he said. “Hopefully you‟ll get your „get out of jail free‟ card tomorrow morning. Can you pick him up?” he asked, turning to Stephanie. “Sure,” she said. “I‟ll be glad to get out of here,” Andrew said, running his hand through his hair, grimacing at the unwashed feel of it through his fingers. “I can‟t stay much longer,” Nathan said as he looked at his watch. “But if you want I could wash your hair before I go.” “Would you?” Andrew smiled for the first time, pleased at the thought of having clean hair. Nathan had been taking care of things like that since the accident. No one had asked him, but Andrew hadn‟t stopped him once he started to feel better. The infection had left him weak as a kitten and any help was welcome, although he‟d never have admitted it. In his lower moments, he felt guilty at the pleasure of the intimate contact of having Nathan‟s huge hands rubbing over his scalp. “I‟d better get back. Joe‟ll be home soon,” Stephanie got up, rubbing her back as it protested the hour spent in the uncomfortable hospital chair. She bent down and kissed Andrew on the cheek. “See you tomorrow, sweetie. I‟ll call and see when you are coming out.” 223

Sue Brown Andrew nodded. “See you in the morning.” “Late morning,” Shane advised as he saw her to the door. “Sure. Actually Shane, can I have a word?” Andrew raised an eyebrow as they went out of the room, his expression darkening as Stephanie refused to meet his gaze. “More organizing?” he asked bitterly as he looked up at Nathan. “Let us take care of you,” Nathan soothed, taking Andrew‟s free hand in his own. “Easy for you to say. I feel like I‟ve got no say in anything that happens.” “It‟s just for a few weeks, then you can go home.” Home. God. Home was Rich‟s apartment or Rich‟s lake house. He supposed both of them were his now, but hell, where was home? Not Castleton, not LA. “Andrew?” He looked up to see Nathan staring at him with concern in his eyes. “Do you still want your hair washed or would you rather put it off until you‟re home?” Andrew swallowed, fighting back the urge to lay his head on Nathan‟s broad chest and just let go of all the grief and misery bottling up inside him. “Now, please.” He swung his legs out of bed and stood up, swaying a little as he realized the meds were having an effect. Nathan placed a large hand under his elbow and walked him to the bathroom. “Come on, let‟s make you feel a bit cleaner,” Nathan murmured. The bathroom was warm. Andrew settled himself in the plastic chair by the sink. Nathan placed a towel around his shoulders and he leaned over the sink. It wasn‟t the most comfortable of positions, but it protected his arm. Andrew sighed as Nathan poured a jug of warm water over his dirty hair. The feel of long fingers carding through his hair was amazing. He pushed back into the pressure as Nathan soaped his hair, careful to avoid the areas that were still sensitive from the bruising. 224

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“Better?” Andrew‟s only response was a moan. Nathan laughed as he rinsed off the shampoo. “You‟re such a girl.” “You try going without a shower for three weeks,” Andrew groused as he sat up. The towel was draped over his head and his hair was roughly dried. He emerged from the toweling, his hair standing up in every direction. Nathan reached over to the shelf and picked up Andrew‟s comb. “Dude, I can comb my own damn hair.” Andrew reached for the comb, but Nathan held it away from him, ignoring his growl of annoyance. “I like doing it, okay?” Andrew subsided at Nathan‟s admission and let him brush it into a more orderly fashion. “There, all clean.” Dropping a light kiss onto the top of Andrew‟s head, Nathan tidied up the bathroom. Andrew didn‟t move, suddenly exhausted from the effort. Nathan helped him back to the bed and he lay back with relief, his muscles aching from the smallest exercise. He caught Nathan looking at him shrewdly. “You can see why we want to you to get some help?” “Doesn‟t mean I have to like it.” “I‟m afraid it does, just for a while.” Andrew closed his eyes. He really needed a nap. “Will you….” He stopped, not wanting to put pressure on Nathan. “Will I what?” Nathan asked, his tone curious. “Will you come to Rich‟s memorial service?” There was a pause and Andrew cursed himself for asking, for being so needy. “I‟ll come, Drew, I promise.” Warm fingers stroked his face and he leaned into them, still not opening his eyes. “Thank you,” he whispered. 225

Sue Brown “Go to sleep. It‟s a big day tomorrow.” He obeyed the softly spoken command, his last conscious thought of Nathan‟s lips on his as he fell asleep.

“READY to see the back of this place, pardner?” The low, growly drawl made him open his eyes. Andrew looked up to see Gary standing in the doorway of his room. He was packed and ready to go. Had been for an hour, and his impatience to see the hospital far behind him was overwhelming. When he had been the photographer here in the maternity wing, Andrew had enjoyed visiting the hospital, the sounds and smells all adding to the experience of being in a special place. Now though, he would just associate it with pain and loss, which he supposed was common to a lot of people. “Where‟s Stephanie?” he asked. “Keeping your momma away,” Gary drawled, still in that exaggerated twang. “Thank God.” Gary picked up his bag and they left the room, pausing to give Andrew a chance to say goodbye to the nurses, receiving a kiss on the cheek from most of them and a hug from others. “Shane will be sorry to miss you,” a young nurse in pink scrubs cooed at him. “You were his very favorite patient. Still, it means I get the pleasure of wheeling you out.” Trying hard not to grimace as he sat in the wheelchair, Andrew said, “It is a shame. Still, he saw more than enough of me while I was here.” They reached the entrance to the hospital, and Gary helped him to his feet. “Well, look after yourself, Andrew.” The nurse kissed him on the cheek and Gary guided them in the direction of the parking lot, Andrew rushing as fast as his weak legs would allow. 226

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“So, is Shane going to miss your sorry ass, or the delightful company of your constant visitor?” Gary grinned mischievously as they left the ward. “Shut up!” Andrew growled, ignoring Gary‟s bark of laughter. Andrew slumped in the corner of the truck, thankful to be away from those four walls. He dozed quietly as they drove, amazed at how tired he was in his head and bones after what felt like a month of sleeping. Even a little exertion wore him out. “Wakey wakey, Sleeping Beauty, time to rise and shine.” He woke up to find the truck sitting in the driveway of number twelve. The front door was opening and Colin was rushing out, closely followed by Ruth. “Hey Dad!” “Jesus—sorry, Momma—let him get out of the truck, son.” Only Gary could swear and soothe Mrs. Matthews‟ outraged feelings in one sentence. She huffed a little but didn‟t launch into the usual lecture about taking the Lord‟s name in vain. Andrew ignored Gary, pulling Colin into a hug, feeling his son alive and warm in his grasp. “Hey.” Colin let go of him long enough to say hello to his Momma and then led Andrew into the kitchen. Stephanie was waiting for him with a large cup of coffee. Andrew sank onto a stool gratefully. Not for anything was he about to show how wobbly his legs were, but Stephanie just gave him a knowing look. “Sit down before you break a leg.” She pushed over the cup and he took it gratefully, inhaling half of the bitter, steaming liquid in one gulp. It was like instant energy spreading through his body, and Andrew sighed contentedly. Gary came into the kitchen, closely followed on his heels by Nick. “Andrew.” His eyes lit up at the sight of his son sitting in the kitchen. Andrew struggled to his feet as his father walked quickly over to him. Nick gave him a brief hug and then gently pushed him back down again. 227

Sue Brown Despite his traumatic teenage years, Andrew was genuinely fond of his father, who had done his best, poor though it was, to prevent Ruth from inflicting her extremist views on her son. As a teen, Andrew had bitterly resented the way Nick always sided with his mother in the way she handled her son‟s sexuality. It was only in later years Andrew realized Nick had taken much of it upon himself. It could have been far, far worse. Ruth was fussing around him, chiding Stephanie for giving him coffee instead of herbal tea and making him sit on a hard stool instead of tucking him up in bed. “I‟m not sick, Momma,” Andrew snapped. “Although I will be if you try to force feed me any of that herbal crap.” It didn‟t help that out of the corner of his eye he could see Gary and Colin‟s mirroring expressions of glee. She was wearing that hurt I’m only trying to help expression that Andrew hated. Nick was giving him a pleading look, and he sighed and apologized, aware that in her own way she was only trying to be motherly. “The first good cup of coffee I‟ve had in weeks will do me far more good,” Andrew said. “And then I promise to go and lie down.” He faked a yawn that quickly turned into a real yawn. “Here, take another cup and go and sleep.” Stephanie was handing him a refill when the kitchen door opened and Daniel ran in, closely followed by Alex and Jessie. Nathan‟s wife hadn‟t visited him in the hospital, and despite Nathan‟s assurances that she was encouraging his regular visits, Andrew was intensely aware of the sudden tension as she spotted him. Oblivious to the atmosphere, Daniel shrieked with happiness when he saw Andrew. Although he hadn‟t met Andrew that many times, he knew that Colin adored his father and that he was someone special. “Uncle Andrew!” he started to say and then stopped, a frown screwing up his face. He turned to Stephanie accusingly. “He‟s not like Shrek,” he told her firmly. Andrew arched an eyebrow at Stephanie, watching in amusement 228

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as she blushed bright red. “Shrek?” “I might have—uh—said you were a little grumpy,” she admitted. “Auntie Steph said you were an ogre and she needed to borrow my sword and helmet,” Daniel told him. His lips twitched as Andrew watched Stephanie‟s discomfort. Gary was openly chuckling while Colin was busy agreeing with Daniel. Andrew contemplated kneeling on the floor to be at the little boy‟s level, but there was a distinct possibility he‟d need assistance to get back up. “I have been a bit like an ogre,” he admitted. “But without the green skin.” “Definitely.” Andrew huffed at his loved ones‟ nods, but they were only agreeing with him. “I‟m going to have a sleep,” he announced. “With my coffee.” He clutched it tightly to his chest and hoped he didn‟t sound as weak as he felt. “I hope you and the coffee will be very happy together, cupcake.” Andrew gave a weak grin as he heard Ruth‟s scandalized “Gary!” behind him. He nodded at Alex and headed towards the basement stairs. That set the pattern for the next few days. He slept, emerged briefly for coffee, and slept some more. If he cried at all for Rich, he did it in private and the others didn‟t witness his grieving. At some point in that time, Gary took off to catch up with his band with a “Later,” and a tight hug to his chest that told Andrew more than words just how concerned he‟d been. It didn‟t really occur to Andrew‟s sleepaddled brain that Nathan hadn‟t been to see him at all until he woke up to find him sitting on the end of the sofa-bed. He awoke, aware of a pricking sensation between his shoulder blades as if someone was staring at him. Andrew rolled over, blinking sleepily as he took in the sight of Nathan‟s large form, smiling down at him. “Nathan?” He tried to sit up, an ungraceful performance with the cast. “Hi,” he said, laying one hand on Andrew‟s stomach. “Stay still. 229

Sue Brown Sorry to wake you up.” Subsiding back onto the pillows, Andrew turned his head to look at the clock. It was after midday. Somehow he had slept away another morning. He swallowed, a stale taste in his mouth. “Here.” Nathan offered up a takeout cup of coffee. Andrew accepted it greedily and took a sip, bracing himself for mocha, sugary shit. It was extra strong, extra hot, and very black. Nathan caught Andrew‟s questioning look. “I wanted to see you but didn‟t want to call via the house. I thought if I brought a peace offering you wouldn‟t mind me sneaking in.” “Who were you avoiding? Me? Or Gary?” “Alex told me he left yesterday,” admitted Nathan, color spreading across his cheeks. “So you thought it was safe to come over?” Andrew couldn‟t prevent the amused tone in his voice. Hanging his head, Nathan blushed. “Guess that makes me pretty pathetic, huh?” “Well,” Andrew pretended to consider it. “He‟s half your size.” “The dude is seriously scary!” Nathan protested. “Besides, I don‟t think he likes me all that much.” “He‟s just overprotective,” Andrew admitted. “I‟m glad you have someone in your life like that,” Nathan said softly. “You have some special friends.” Andrew nodded. “Yes I do,” he agreed, placing a hand over Nathan‟s, still resting on his stomach. Nathan‟s palm was partly resting on Andrew‟s sleep-warm skin where his T-shirt had ridden up. They sat for a moment, not wanting to break the connection between them. Eventually Andrew shifted, needing to go to the bathroom. Nathan took his hand away and waited for him to come out. “Would you like to come to the park with the boys?” he said as Andrew emerged from the bathroom, making a beeline back to the coffee. Andrew frowned as he took a gulp. “What day is it?” 230

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“Saturday. Why?” “God, I‟ve been asleep for the whole week?” “Dude, you‟ve been asleep for a month,” Nathan pointed out. Andrew rubbed his jaw. It was covered in a light ginger beard, too long to be called stubble now. Nathan had shaved him a couple of times in the hospital until Andrew could run an electric razor over his own chin. “So, park, ball, dogs, or face-planting in the sheets again?” “Coffee, bed, and more sleep. I don‟t think I‟m up to chasing a ball yet.” “Come on, Drew. You need some fresh air,” Nathan pleaded. Shaking his head, Andrew finished the coffee and aimed the cup at the trashcan. He missed and it bounced off the rim. He shrugged and got back on the bed. “I‟m really not up to it, Nate. Maybe tomorrow.” He lay back and closed his eyes. “Tomorrow it is then. I‟m holding you to that,” warned Nathan. He pressed a light kiss to Andrew‟s temple and got off the bed. “Tomorrow,” agreed Andrew sleepily, already drifting away. Only it wasn‟t tomorrow or even the day after. The next day Andrew was shivery and achy. All he could do was take Tylenol and water and hope to sleep away the misery that was invading his body. Nathan visited him at some point, but in all honesty, he couldn‟t have put a time on it. He was just aware of Nathan‟s touch on his arm and stroking his hair, and then he was asleep again. It took another four days for Andrew to stay awake for anything longer than a few minutes. By the time the next weekend rolled around, he was able to stay awake long enough to watch a film with Colin, and Stephanie had stopped hovering at the end of his bed. Colin spent Sunday morning on Andrew‟s bed watching kids‟ TV shows and eating his way through a month‟s worth of gummis. Andrew had survived a couple of hours and then dozed for a while to a background of weird creatures battling each other for no apparent reason. 231

Sue Brown He became aware he was pressed up against a warm body and that Colin was chatting to someone. Rolling over, Andrew found Nathan and Daniel on the bed, also watching the small TV. Daniel had his hand in a bag of Twizzlers and his face was covered in sugar. The warm body was Nathan, his large frame slightly curled around Andrew to avoid falling off the bed. “Dudes,” he rasped, and then cleared his throat to try again. “It‟s getting a bit crowded in here. Isn‟t there somewhere else you could crash?” Nathan grinned at him. “We only came over to drag you both out to the park.” Andrew groaned. “Go away. Find someone else to annoy.” He didn‟t care what time it was, he really needed more sleep. “It‟s not good for you, shut up in here all the time. ‟Sides which, the room reeks, man. You really need to let some air in here.” Andrew rolled over away from Nathan. “Why don‟t you ask Shane? I‟m sure he‟d love to join you,” he mumbled indistinctly. “Who? Shane? Andrew, what the hell are you talking about?” Nathan‟s voice had sharpened. Colin got off the bed and held his hand out to Daniel. “Come on, Danny. Mom‟s got pancakes upstairs. Race you to the stairs.” The two boys clattered up the steps to the kitchen, leaving the two men in uncomfortable silence. It was left to Nathan to break it. “What did you mean, I could invite Shane out?” Andrew rolled over and faced Nathan. “Shane. Hot nurse. Your new best friend.” “I know who Shane is, Drew. But my new best friend?” So yeah, maybe now he was feeling like a tool because Nathan was staring at him like he‟d grown two heads. “Andrew, are you jealous of me and Shane? What the fuck for?” “He talked about you like you were friends.” Nathan nodded slowly. “We talked a lot while you were unconscious. I talked to all the nurses. And the doctors and the fucking 232

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cleaning lady. You jealous of them too?” “Don‟t be ridiculous.” “You‟re getting jealous of a nurse and you call me ridiculous!” “He was good looking and gay.” Andrew bit his lip. “He called you Nate,” he blurted out. Nathan‟s eyes went wide. “You‟re throwing a hissy fit because someone who gave me comfort during a difficult time called me by a name at least half a dozen people use?” “Fuck you.” “Fuck you, Andrew,” Nathan spat at him. His eyes were cold and hard as they stared at Andrew. “You‟re being an idiot and selfish. I needed Shane. He listened to me talk about you when I was scared you wouldn‟t wake up. He let me ramble on about how much I loved you and had to watch you marry another man, watch you kissing him when all I wanted to do was kiss you myself. How many other people do I know that I can talk to?” “Stop, please!” Andrew‟s hands went over his ears. “I can‟t listen to this.” He was trying to burrow away from Nathan, but there was nowhere to go. “You started it.” Nathan pointed out, drawing in a harsh breath. “I don‟t want Shane. I want you.” Andrew curled up into a ball, hands over his ears, trying to hide from the words he‟d provoked. Nathan dragged his hands away and pulled him into a sitting position. One hand cupped Andrew‟s jaw and forced him to look into Nathan‟s eyes, the hazel almost gone in his anger. “Are you so fucking stupid you can‟t see there is no Shane? There is only one man for me, Andrew Matthews.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “I waited for you to wake up, scared out of my wits that one day you wouldn‟t.” “I didn‟t want to wake up,” Andrew admitted. “I still don‟t.” He saw the flash of hurt in Nathan‟s eyes but knew it was too late to stop. “In my dreams at least I‟m not alone.” “Rich is there?” 233

Sue Brown Andrew nodded, his hands curling around Nathan‟s biceps. “And you. You‟re both there and it‟s warm and safe. Here—” he waved one hand around. “Rich is dead, you‟re with Alex, and I‟m alone again. I‟d rather stay asleep.” “Andrew.” The single word was thick, as if he was swallowing down the tears. Nathan let go of Andrew‟s jaw and rested his forehead on Andrew‟s. Underneath Andrew‟s knees, candy wrappers crackled and something was sticking to the leg of his sweatpants, but he was locked into a grip he couldn‟t get away from. “He wouldn‟t want you to hide in here,” Nathan murmured. “He‟d want you to live again.” “It‟s too soon, not even two months,” Andrew protested. “I need more time.” “I know, baby, I know.” Andrew was maneuvered so that he was straddling Nathan‟s lap, his head resting in the crook of his neck, warm and safe for a moment. Nathan‟s hand was cradling his head and his other hand was tracing soothing patterns in the small of his back. Andrew felt he could fall asleep like this. “You‟re coming out with us for a while,” Nathan said after a few moments. As Andrew tensed, ready to argue, he said, “You don‟t have to stay for long, but Stephanie wants to clean the room and change the sheets. I‟ll drive you down while Colin walks the mutts with Daniel. Believe me, you‟ll feel better, and then you can sleep tonight.” Andrew was ready to protest when another voice interrupted. “Is Dad okay?” “He‟s fine,” Nathan reassured Colin, but he didn‟t let go immediately. “M‟fine. Just—” began Andrew, sitting back to scrub at his face. Colin didn‟t let him finish. He clambered onto the bed and hugged Andrew in his arms. “S‟okay, Dad, I get it.” He smelled like candy and teenage boy sweat, but as Andrew rested his head on Colin‟s thin shoulder, Nathan‟s larger warmth still close around him, he wanted nothing more than this. 234

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He was lost in the grief of losing Rich, still bound up with the guilt of loving Nathan, but he was loved by his family and friends and he had to remind himself of that when all the negative feelings threatened to overwhelm him and drag him down. It was a good idea to go to the park. Not that he would admit it to anyone, especially not Nathan. After five weeks in bed and still having a cast on his arm, Andrew wasn‟t up to a lot of running around. He sat on a bench watching the boys and dogs play an energetic game of “chase Tyler to get the ball back,” feeling the slight breeze cooling the sunshine on his face and sucking the fresh air into his lungs. Nathan threw himself down on the bench next to Andrew with a painful inhale of breath. “Getting old?” Andrew asked with amusement. “Fuck you,” Nathan groused, although it would have had more clout if he hadn‟t wheezed as he spoke. “There, there.” He patted Nathan‟s knee condescendingly. Nathan made to smack him and then stopped, aware of Daniel‟s eyes fixed upon him. “Daddy, has Uncle Andrew been naughty?” his son asked him. Andrew was suddenly reminded of Colin at five years old, asking him angrily why, if it was all right for Andrew to smack his backside when he had smashed one of his camera lenses, he couldn‟t hit Bobby‟s sister when she had destroyed his Buzz Lightyear. In all honesty he couldn‟t answer that, and he had been very careful when he used physical punishment against his son again. “We‟re only play-fighting,” Nathan explained as he shoved Andrew. The sudden movement caught Andrew by surprise, and a bolt of pain shot through his healing arm. He hissed and glared at Nathan, although there was no real heat to it. Nathan looked immediately contrite. “Sorry, dude,” he apologized. “It was only meant to be a light tap.” “Remember you‟re built like a gigantor next time,” Andrew grumbled as he held his arm close to his chest. 235

Sue Brown “Seriously, is there any damage?” Andrew shook his head. “No, just my pride at being such a weakling.” “My dad, the wuss,” Colin crowed as he heaved Daniel over his shoulders and ran around in a crazy pattern. Nathan looked speculatively at Andrew. “Don‟t even think about it. I said, don‟t even think about it. Nathan, you bastard!” Andrew shrieked as he found himself being hoisted over Nathan‟s shoulder in a fireman‟s lift as Nathan chased Colin around, the dogs barking wildly in excitement. Even in the midst of his loud, and ignored, protests, he was aware how careful Nathan was being with him. Nathan ground to a halt, chest heaving from the exertion, and Andrew was lowered to a standing position, his glasses askew, his hair mussed, and his dignity in tatters. He wobbled for a moment, his balance awry, not sure if he was going to puke. Nathan held him until he was able to see straight and his stomach had subsided to a dull roar. “I hate you,” he muttered. “No you don‟t.” Andrew poked his tongue out childishly. He wasn‟t going to admit Nathan was right. Andrew wasn‟t allowed to return to bed until evening. By the time he slipped under the comforter, he was exhausted from the physical exertion. He slipped into sleep with an ease that had eluded him for the last two weeks. Yeah, he‟d slept for hours, but no one had been there when he lay awake at night, staring at the ceiling, grittyeyed from misery and insomnia. He slept until midday Monday, only waking when his cell vibrated by his ear. “Wah?” he managed. “Time to get up.” Nathan‟s overly cheerful voice rang in his ear. “Fu‟rof.” He stabbed “end” and rolled over. The bastard was nagging him from work. 236

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The phone vibrated again. “Go away!” he managed this time. “Get up then, and I‟ll leave you alone.” “I am up.” “Liar.” “Jesus, you‟re a slave driver!” “Just be thankful it‟s me, not Gary or Gabe. They had plans that involved ice water. Oh, gotta go. Ben, leave Suzie‟s braids alone!” Andrew listened to the exchange on the other end with a mixture of amusement and annoyance. “Can I go now?” “Only if you‟re gonna haul your lazy aaa… backside out of bed.” “Sure.” Andrew cut the call and rolled over, burying his head in the pillows. He was going to get up. Soon enough. He rolled back and picked the phone up again. Turning it off was the only way he could guarantee peace. It worked until a loud, shrill alarm sounded in his ear. “For fuck‟s sake!” Andrew fumbled around until he found the source of the noise. Someone had placed an old-fashioned alarm clock on his nightstand. “I‟m up. I‟m up. Leave me the fuck alone, dammit!” His shriek of protest rang out in the den, but nobody replied. Sitting up in bed, scritching idly at his belly, Andrew contemplated going back to sleep, but he knew that if he did, something else loud and obnoxious would sound in his ear. He got out of bed and used the bathroom, grunting in relief as he took a leak. As he washed his hands, he took a look at himself in the mirror. God, that was a shock. Greasy hair, pale skin, deep purple marks under his eyes, and a look of total misery across his face. Was that the way he looked all the time? Andrew desperately needed a shower. He wandered into the main room, looking for a plastic bag. There was one sitting on the table. He 237

Sue Brown tipped out the contents and shoved his damaged arm into it, just about covering the cast. Perfect. Now he needed to tape it up. Five minutes later he was in the shower, enjoying the feel of hot, hot, water running down his body. He had missed this so much. Andrew groaned in appreciation as he leaned into the stream of water. The water was beginning to cool before he made his way out of the shower. He toweled himself off roughly, taking the bag off the cast once the worst of the water was gone. Wrapping the towel around his waist, he went back into the main room looking for fresh clothes. Andrew hadn‟t noticed a pile of his sweats and T-shirts on one of the chairs until now. He hunted through until he found something he wanted to wear. At the bottom of the pile there was a note. Coffee is upstairs in the kitchen. Andrew stared at the words for a minute, not really comprehending what it was saying. Then it hit him. He‟d been unsubtly kicked out of bed by a collective bunch of…. “Bastards!” he hissed, unable to stop the smile spreading across his face. Sure enough, the coffee was sitting, freshly made, in the coffeemaker. He poured himself a cup and took it over to the table. There was another note waiting for him. Andrew, don’t even THINK about going back to bed. You can make dinner. Stephanie xx p.s. Pasta is fine. p.p.s. Sauce is in the fridge. Andrew was going to kill them all, one by one, very slowly. As soon as he had worked out how to do it without getting arrested. In the meantime, he was going to drink some coffee, and then maybe another cup. He was not going to make pasta for anyone, except maybe himself. Later. Much later.

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“MY STOMACH is going to burst,” groaned Colin as he sat back in the chair. “Three helpings does that to a person,” Stephanie sniped, even as she finished her second plate of pasta and eyed the leftovers hungrily. Joe was still eating. He said nothing. Andrew watched them with amusement, his hands wrapped around a large mug of coffee. His appetite had reduced to one small plate of pasta, but he‟d watched the rest of the meal disappear extremely quickly. “I miss your cooking,” Colin moaned appreciatively. “What did you do to Mom‟s sauce? It never tastes like that when she serves it up.” Stephanie shot a look at Colin, but it was obvious she was waiting for an answer as well. “Wine and herbs,” Andrew said. “Nothing more. Rich liked it.” There was a sudden silence, and then Stephanie said, “I‟m not surprised. It‟s delicious.” The serving bowl was empty by the time they declared they‟d had enough, Colin and Joe scrapping for the last couple of mouthfuls. Andrew declared that, as he had done the cooking, he wasn‟t doing the washing up as well. He retreated back to the den after wishing everyone goodnight. As he left the room, he could hear Colin start an argument about who exactly was going to clear the table. He closed the door on Joe‟s reply, thankful not to be involved. Like the previous night, he was exhausted and all he wanted to do was sleep. Andrew cleaned his teeth and climbed on the bed, hunting around for the book he was reading. Then a thought occurred to him. There was no way he was going to sleep before both doors were locked to the outside world. No one, and he meant no one, was waking him up with phone calls or alarm bells tomorrow morning.

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THE service for Rich was held at the house by the lake. He hadn‟t been a religious man, despite his Baptist upbringing, and Andrew wanted a service where everyone who wanted to say something got a chance to share. There were people from all areas of his life: work and home, long-standing friendships and new acquaintances. All of them were invited to take part in the service with Gary leading the music. He hadn‟t invited his parents, not able to face his mother‟s disapproval at the lack of a priest and the largely homosexual congregation, but there was a contingent from Castleton: Stephanie, Joe, and Colin of course, plus Jim, Michael, and Nathan. They all went together, Andrew inviting them to stay at the house to avoid accommodation costs as well the travel fare. He wasn‟t there when they arrived, but there was a meal was waiting for them on arrival late on Friday night. They ate and crashed thankfully into bed, aware Saturday was going to be a long day. Used to waking up early, Nathan found himself staring at the clock at five thirty am. When fifteen minutes had dragged slowly round, he got up, needing to stretch his legs or eat, just do something. He pulled on sweatpants and a thin hoodie, then looked for his sneakers. He found them eventually, half under the bed where he‟d kicked them as he got undressed the previous evening. Five minutes later he was out in the chill morning air, trying to remember where the path to the lake was. After casting about for a few minutes, he found the path and set off, his pace quick despite the uneven ground. The lake was stunning in the silvery early morning light, with a mist rising off the water and spiders‟ webs outlined by the morning dew. 240

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Nathan ran around the perimeter of the lake, small puffs of sand kicking up as he went. He was on his way back when he spotted a figure staring at him from the other side of the lake. He didn‟t need to look too closely to know who it was. Andrew waited for him to jog around to where he was standing. “Thought you might be up,” he greeted him. They hesitated, both of them reluctant to make the first move, then reaching out, Nathan pulled Andrew into a hug, only remembering he was hot and sweaty from the run after Andrew was already against him. He didn‟t seem to object, settling against Nathan with a small sigh. “Morning,” he mumbled against Nathan‟s neck. “Morning,” Nathan returned, his lips brushing the top of Andrew‟s short hair. “God, I needed this.” Andrew‟s huff of relief against his skin made Nathan smile. He‟d needed it too, needed Andrew. He‟d been afraid of losing him once the older man returned to LA and his other life. It had been easy while Andrew was in Castleton to pretend, just for those few minutes they were together every day, that Andrew was his. He didn‟t like the actual truth, the fact that soon Andrew would leave them behind again and start out anew. Nathan shivered at the prospect and Andrew pulled back, concerned. “Come ‟ere,” Nathan muttered, not wanting to break the contact. Obediently Andrew nuzzled back into the embrace, his warm hands sneaking up under the thin hoodie to spread over Nathan‟s back. It was comforting and loving, and both men relaxed against each other. “Today‟s gonna be hard,” Andrew said, his voice muffled by Nathan‟s neck. “I know, I know,” Nathan soothed. “But we‟re all here for you.” His hand rubbed comforting circles against Andrew‟s back and Andrew pressed closer to him. Andrew stepped back, taking a deep breath. He looked up at Nathan and it was only then Nathan could see the strain around his eyes. His hand went out, a thumb rubbing softly at the thin skin under 241

Sue Brown the dulled blue eyes. “How you holding up, Drew?” “Honestly?” Andrew leaned against Nathan‟s hand. “Crap.” “You should have stayed in Castleton with us.” Shaking his head, Andrew said, “No, I couldn‟t. I needed to go back to my home. I needed time to say goodbye to Rich.” Nathan pulled Andrew down to sit on the fallen tree trunk nearby. “Do you think he knew? That he was sick?” “Yes, I think so. I‟m pretty sure he knew.” Andrew rested his head against Nathan‟s shoulder. “You, me, the way he kept pushing us together. He knew. The check-ups would have told him.” “But we‟re not. Together, I mean.” “No, we‟re not.” Andrew‟s voice cracked slightly. “But he was eternally an optimist.” “He loved you so much.” Andrew‟s large eyes went soft and Nathan felt guilty about the pang of jealousy at the look of adoration on his face. “Yeah, he loved me, and he really understood about us. He was probably the only one. Did he ever tell you about Paul?” Nathan frowned, thinking about the conversation he and Rich had shared not far from here. “Paul was his previous partner?” Andrew nodded, “That‟s right. He was with him for about fifteen years, but Paul was with someone else when he met Rich.” “Was that the guy he got HIV from?” “It was that time,” Andrew said simply. “A bad time.” “So what happened?” “Rich met Paul and it was lust at first sight. According to Rich they were trying to avoid each other because Paul loved his partner and felt incredibly guilty for feeling anything for anyone else. Course, every time they met, they ended up going at it like rabbits.” Nathan couldn‟t stop the bark of laughter that erupted. “Jeez, no wonder he didn‟t have an issue with you and me.” 242

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“Well, he understood how I wasn‟t able to keep my hands off your body. He and Paul got caught bent over the desk of Rich‟s office when Paul came in for a business meeting. That was the first time they met.” “Oh fuck!” Nathan was clutching at his sides. “Did your mother know he was such a slut?” “No, and it gave me great satisfaction every time she talked about how respectable he was—for a homosexual.” His face twisted a little bitterly. The mental image of sedate Rich fucking someone over a desk was suddenly replaced by the image of Andrew splayed under him, pale ass high in the air, taking every inch of Nathan‟s dick. He shook his head to clear the image, but a similar thought must have occurred to Andrew, because he flushed suddenly. They stared at each other, rabbits caught in the headlights of the other‟s arousal. “Fuck,” Andrew swore softly, his fingers clenching in the legs of his sweatpants. Nathan followed the movement, could see the tenting in the soft material. “Drew—” “Don‟t! Not today. I can‟t… not today.” Andrew swallowed convulsively. He stood up, and God, that was even worse. Nathan could pull him in and bite and mouth at that soft bump. “I‟m… I‟m going back to the house. It‟s gonna take a while to set up.” “Drew—” “Nathan, is that you? Have you seen Andrew?” Stephanie‟s voice penetrated the haze in Nathan‟s mind. He looked up as she came around the path. “Ah, there you are. Andrew, the caterers want to know where to set up.” He nodded jerkily and, with one last glance at Nathan, set off back to the house. Stephanie looked at his retreating form and then back at Nathan, who flushed under her steady gaze. “Do I even want to know?” She didn‟t sound accusing, more like 243

Sue Brown resigned to the situation. He shook his head and shivered, suddenly realizing how damn cold he was. Stephanie caught the shiver. “You should to go back for a shower.” “I will.” Nathan turned away and then paused. “Steph….” Surprised, Stephanie looked at him, caught by the use of the pet name. “Yes?” “I‟m not sure what you said to Alex, but thanks.” Nathan waved his hand. “For this. I would have hated not to be here for him.” Her face cleared. “That‟s okay. He needed us all here. I wish….” “Yeah, me too,” he interrupted. Nathan held out his hand. She took it and they walked back to the house together, dodging the small army of people setting up for the service. As they reached the house, Stephanie laid a hand on Nathan‟s arm. He tensed, not sure what she was going to say. She looked up at him, biting her lip nervously. “You can‟t go on like this, Nate. It‟s not fair to Alex and Andrew… he‟s still mourning Rich, but he won‟t be forever.” “I know, but my kids….” “They‟ll deal. They‟re young enough to cope.” She squeezed his arm gently. “Thing is, will you?”

THE service took place as the sun set over the lake. Over a hundred people sat and shared their memories of Rich from every part of his life. Sober-suited business folk mixed with some of the most flamboyant people Nathan had ever seen, all of them holding a photo of Rich taken by the man who loved him. He sat at the back, preferring to observe rather than participate, as he hadn‟t really known Rich all that well. It was a completely irreverent affair, most of the comments focusing on Rich‟s love of life and wicked sense of humor, led of course by Gary. Mainly, he just watched 244

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Andrew‟s reactions to the speeches. As Nathan listened to the people talking about the man they had known, he slowly learned why Rich had been so good for Andrew. This was a man who‟d never been ashamed of who or what he was. He‟d never flaunted it down the street, but neither had he hidden it, either at home or at work. If anyone had shown Andrew it was okay to be gay, it was Rich. Nathan was forced to admit that he couldn‟t have done that. It was hard for him to come to terms with the fact that Andrew had needed Rich more than he needed Nathan. Sure, he couldn‟t deny Andrew had loved him for years, but Rich had been the right man to love Andrew at the time he had been the most vulnerable. During a break in the service, Gabe arrived. His friendship with Nathan had suffered under the strain of his continuing relationship with Gary. The latter had made no bones about his lack of respect for Nathan, and Gabe had found his loyalties caught between his old friend and his lover. He slid down into the seat next to Nathan. “Nate, man.” “I didn‟t expect to see you here,” Nathan whispered, frown lines appearing between his eyes, Gabe shrugged. “Me neither, but Gary asked, so here I am. Could say the same of you.” “Andrew asked if we‟d like to come.” “You?” Gabe eyed him skeptically. “Yup. Well, me and a few of the others from the neighborhood.” “Alex and the kids?” “Are at home. She gets next weekend off with Stephanie.” Nathan picked at his nails, deliberately not looking Gabe in the eye. “We haven‟t done anything, if that‟s what you‟re worried about.” “Uh, huh.” “We haven‟t.” “Not my business if you have,” Gabe pointed out. “I‟m not getting involved anymore.” Nathan looked up. “Why don‟t I believe you?” 245

Sue Brown Gabe grinned at him. “Cuz you know me too well?” “What do you want, Gabe? Other than coming over to piss me off.” “How many people have told you to stop whining and make a fucking decision?” “Four, five, more….” “So…?” “The kids….” Nathan felt he was starting to sound like a broken record. Gabe obviously agreed. He stared at Nathan for a long moment. “When‟re you gonna stop using them as an excuse?” Slumping back against the seat, Nathan gnawed at his nail again. He looked over to where Andrew was sitting. He was laughing at something one of Rich‟s work colleagues had just told them and his face was bathed in the warm glow of the setting evening sun. “You look at him like he‟s your entire world.” Nathan looked up at Gabe‟s words. He gave a rueful smile. “Not the whole thing, but he‟s pretty damned special.” His friend nodded and looked over at Andrew. “Wonder if we can get hammered yet?” There seemed to be a lull in speakers, and Andrew was getting to his feet. Nathan noticed he was favoring his left arm. It was out of the plaster cast, but Andrew was still getting physiotherapy to regain full use. Judging from the close way he was holding himself, Nathan was pretty sure Andrew had forgotten to take his pain meds. Andrew thanked his guests for coming and sharing their experiences of Rich. He offered them the chance to stay for food and drinks, and the group of people trailed toward the house. Gabe stood up to follow them. He laid a hand on Nathan‟s shoulder. “I‟ve known you for a long time. You never looked at Alex like that. Just sayin‟.” Nathan sat for a long while after Gabe left him, his eyes fixed on Andrew‟s face. He‟d noticed Andrew had kept glancing his way during 246

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the service, seeking him out as if to make sure he was still there. Walking over to him, Andrew held out his right hand. “Come with me?” he asked quietly. “Sure.” Not taking his hand Nathan stood up. “So, where do you hurt?” He ran his hands down Andrew‟s arms. “Pretty much all over.” At least he was being honest. “Do you want me to get your meds? Where are they?” Andrew frowned as he tried to remember. “Uh, in my room on the nightstand, I think. But I‟ll take them later. They tend to make me drowsy.” “Nuh-uh.” Nathan shook his head and started herding him towards the house. “You‟re taking them now. I can see just how much pain you‟re in. Come with me.” “I have guests.” “You have Gary. Your guests are fine. Now shut up and we‟ll get your medication.” Nathan put his arm around Andrew and steered him into the large hallway. No one gave them a second look other than a smile, and he realized that, here with these people, Nathan could be openly affectionate to Andrew and no one cared. He could feel Andrew hesitating, looking over to where the guests were accepting drinks from soberly-clad catering staff. “Meds. Now. Lead the way.” “You‟re going to stand there and watch me take them, aren‟t you?” “Yes. Yes, I am,” agreed Nathan. “Now, either move or you‟ll find me carrying you to your room.” “Bossy bastard.” But Nathan could see the smile playing around his lips. True to his word, Nathan stood over Andrew as he took the pills. He wouldn‟t let Andrew go back downstairs until the lines in his face eased and he was holding himself more easily. It gave him time to look 247

Sue Brown around the master bedroom. It was a light, airy room, decorated in pale blue and cream and pale wood furniture. Not exactly what he expected, but then he didn‟t really know what he had been expecting. It suited the house though. Nathan wondered if this was Rich or Andrew‟s taste. Andrew watched him as he took in his surroundings. “I never really touched this place. I rather liked how he decorated it. This was always Rich‟s house.” “It‟s a wonderful place,” Nathan admitted. “Yes, it is, and now, I suppose, it‟s mine.” Nathan hadn‟t thought of that. “What will you do with it? Will you keep it, do you think?” Andrew traced a pattern on the comforter with one finger. “M‟not sure,” he said. “I kinda feel a bit lost at the moment. It‟s too soon to be making any decisions.” He glanced up at Nathan and then looked away, his lashes brushing his cheeks. “Much too soon,” agreed Nathan, swallowing hard against the feelings that even the slightest glance provoked in him. God, even after all this time, Andrew only had to be near him for his body to start thrumming. “Why didn‟t you tell me you‟d been offered a promotion?” Andrew asked suddenly. Nathan blinked. He hadn‟t been expecting that. “It wasn‟t a firm offer, just the chance to apply for the job. I forgot about it after your accident.” “I‟m sorry for spoiling your chance,” Andrew said. Shaking his head, Nathan smiled at him. “It wasn‟t important. There‟ll be others.” It had been important and was the cause of more stress between him and Alex, but Andrew didn‟t need to know that. Andrew looked doubtful but said, “I‟m feeling better now. We ought to join the others.” He stood up and smiled at Nathan. His face had more color and the lines had eased. “Okay.” He followed Andrew out of the bedroom and promptly ran into the solid form of Gary. 248

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The shorter man glowered at him before saying, “Andrew, where have you been? You‟ve got people here, remember, or did lover boy distract you?” Itching to plant his fist in the middle of Gary‟s face, Nathan took a step forward, but Andrew laid a firm hand on his arm. “Nathan was playing doctor while I took my meds. I forgot about them at lunchtime.” “It‟s him playing doctors and nurses that I‟m worried about,” growled Gary. “Listen, you asshole—” Nathan started, but he was interrupted mid-sentence. “This is my husband‟s memorial service. I think I can keep it in my pants today, thank you,” Andrew said icily and stalked away from them both. “Fuck!” Gary swore under his breath. “You‟re a fucking idiot, Gary,” Nathan said as he turned away to follow Andrew. He was stopped in his tracks by a hand yanking him around. Gary was a fair bit shorter than him but he was stronger than Nathan expected. “Why don‟t you just leave him alone? He doesn‟t need you fucking things up again.” Nathan was so weary of these endless conversations. Gary was riled up, his color high and blue eyes hard as he waited for Nathan‟s answer. “I love him.” “It‟s not been enough though, has it? You‟ve only ever put your family first, and there‟s still that gay for dick thing you got a problem with.” “I have kids. Of course I fucking put them first, and yeah, the idea of being gay, losing my kids and my job… I have a problem with that. But I love him and he knows it. You can be his guard dog.” Nathan suddenly stepped into Gary‟s space. He was tired of being menaced by 249

Sue Brown this guy and he used his height to make the other man step back. “And he needs good friends. But he loves me, and none of these endless pissing contests are gonna change that.” Gary was silent for a moment. “I don‟t like you.” “Yeah, got that memo,” Nathan said drily. “He‟s vulnerable and lonely now. If you hurt him again….” The warning was implicit in his tone, and Nathan nodded. “I won‟t, but the time isn‟t right yet. He still needs to get over his loss.” Gary nodded his agreement. “Fuck knows why he puts up with your sorry ass.” “I‟ve wondered the same about you many times, Keenan.” Gary gave a snort and rolled his shoulders, his muscles loosening from their fighting stance. “He needs his head looked at. I need a fucking drink.” Nathan definitely agreed with that. As they entered the room where the bulk of the guests had taken residence, Andrew excused himself from the couple he‟d been talking to and came over, eying them warily. “Any wounds I can‟t see?” he asked. Both men shook their heads. “I threatened him again. He told me to fuck off again. Just like normal,” Gary informed him. Andrew rolled his eyes. “God, you two are fucking idiots. I don‟t know why I put up with either of you. Get a fucking drink and go and play nice with the guests.” He wandered off without waiting for an answer. Gary looked after him, a worried expression on his face. “He hasn‟t really crashed yet. I keep expecting it, but it doesn‟t happen.” “He will,” Nathan said softly. “I think he‟s waiting for something.” Gary frowned. “Like what?” 250

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“Not sure, but I just get that feeling.” “I just hope someone is there to pick up the pieces when he does.” Nathan glanced at Andrew, who was talking to a man dressed in an immaculate business suit. “I think maybe he‟s waiting to be alone.” Gary bit his lip. “I think maybe you‟re right.”

THE lake was shimmering, the air sharp and clear, and Andrew dragged in a shaky breath. In the background, the snow-capped mountains reflected the early evening sun. He had returned to the small Italian village where Rich had taken him for their honeymoon. The couple who owned the hotel remembered him from their first visit and, when they discovered what had happened, they looked after him as if he was their son, wrapping him up in the warmth and love that he hadn‟t received from his own mother. One evening he took a blanket from his bed and, wrapping it around his shoulders, found the quiet bench where he and Rich had spent many hours sitting together watching the view. As Andrew watched the sun sink behind the mountains, he found tears were coursing down his cheeks. He hadn‟t realized he was crying until a drop fell on his hand. He cried for a long time, alone and finally able to let out his grief. It left him drained and tired, but at peace for a little while, enfolded in the memories of a man that had changed his life.

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ANDREW tripped as he rushed to open the front door, his glasses skittering across the floor. It was one thirty in the morning and he had been waiting up since he had received a distraught call several hours ago. He hauled up his pajama pants, which were slipping down his still too-slender frame, and jammed his glasses back on his face. Fuck! He nearly got punched in the face as he opened the door to his apartment. The person on the other side had raised his fist to bang again. “Nathan, what‟s happened? Are you alright?” Clearly Nathan wasn‟t all right. He looked awful. His skin was red and blotchy and his eyes were bloodshot and dull. He stank of liquor and he was leaning against the doorframe as if it were the only thing holding him up. Andrew hadn‟t seen Nathan for nearly four months following his trip to Italy. He had been too busy in LA to make the trip to Castleton. He had heard via Stephanie that things weren‟t going well between Nathan and Alex and, to be honest, he‟d been waiting for this call. When Nathan spoke, his voice was dull and flat. “She wants a divorce. She said it‟s finally over.” Nathan‟s voice grew louder as he choked out the words. Mindful of the time and the neighbors, Andrew pulled Nathan into the hallway. “Come on,” he said, his arm guiding Nathan down the narrow hall. The man all but collapsed against him as Andrew shut the door. He gently pushed Nathan into the main room and onto the sofa, sitting down next to him, his arm around Nathan‟s shoulders. 252

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“Start again. Alex has thrown you out?” he asked. Nathan nodded. “We had a fight,” he began. “When?” “This afternoon. It‟s been coming for a while. I turned down another promotion at the school and she was angry.” He felt Nathan draw in a deep, shuddering breath and rubbed his back comfortingly. “One minute I‟m trying to explain I didn‟t feel ready for this role and the next she‟s yelling that I was just a lousy faggot only using her to bring up my children. It‟s just… the job, it wasn‟t right for me. It was all paperwork and taking me away from teaching kids. I‟d hate it but I just couldn‟t get her to understand and then we just started yelling and it all came out.” Andrew swallowed hard against the anger rising in him and took a deep breath. After all, what the hell could he say? Nathan and Alex had been happily married before they had moved into the road, before they had met Andrew. He‟d been a new teacher, happily married with a kid on the way, and now look at him. His hand slid under Nathan‟s jacket, feeling how cold he was despite the mild temperatures outside. “You know that‟s not true. Despite us, you‟ve been a good dad and a good husband.” Nathan raised his head and stared at him incredulously. “I‟ve been fucking other men since the start of our marriage. That hardly puts me up for husband of the year!” “You didn‟t walk out when you found out she‟d pretended to be pregnant.” Nathan dragged in a heaving breath. “Where the hell would I have gone? You didn‟t want me!” “I couldn‟t… I never stopped wanting you, but I was married!” “So was I. Didn‟t stop you wrecking my marriage,” Nathan spat at him bitterly. Andrew looked at Nathan‟s face, twisted in despair. “You started this, Nathan,” he pointed out. “Not me.” “You didn‟t stop me!” 253

Sue Brown “I was in love with you,” Andrew said quietly. “I wasn‟t strong enough to say no.” “You trapped me, and now I‟m so fucked up.” “Is that what you really believe?” All the hatred being spewed at him made it hard for Andrew to get the words past the lump in his throat. “What are you so fucking scared of, Nathan? Last time I looked it isn‟t illegal to be queer. Your family is supporting you. Your friends don‟t care. Hell, even your fucking boss supports you. What the hell is your problem? It‟s not a fucking disease.” Nathan‟s mouth worked soundlessly, and then he slumped against Andrew. The older man stroked his hair, pulling him closer. Nathan buried his burning face against Andrew‟s chest as if he were trying to hide. They sat in silence for a long while. Andrew almost jumped when Nathan spoke again, the words dropping into the silence. “I‟m scared.” “What of?” Nathan raised his head. “Everything. Losing my kids, losing my home, losing my job. And now I don‟t have a career. I quit my job this afternoon.” Andrew gaped at him. “But why?” “Skinner told me I‟d lose my post if I left Alex for you. Everyone kept telling me to make a decision. But it‟s losing everything I‟ve ever wanted.” His fingers were digging into Andrew‟s thigh. “But I‟m telling you I love you so much I want to die at the thought of life without you.” Well fuck. Andrew had just been told the one thing he had wanted to hear for years, and he felt like shit because somewhere there was a woman crying without her husband and two kids without their dad. Andrew placed his hand under Nathan‟s jaw, forcing them to look at each other. “You‟re not just saying this because she threw you out? You‟ve gotta be sure ‟bout this. There‟s no going back from this one.” “Too late. I don‟t want to go back to Alex. I just want you and my kids.” Nathan‟s voice hitched as he said it, and fresh tears rolled down from his eyes. 254

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“We‟ll work it out, I promise. I can look after you so that you can support your family,” Andrew promised, reaching out to wipe the tears as they rolled down Nathan‟s cheeks. Nathan pulled free and shook his head. “I‟m not going to sponge off you. I‟ll need to find a job and I‟ll want to see Daniel and Jess regularly.” “You will. We can move closer to them if you want. I don‟t need to live here anymore,” Andrew promised, hoping Alex would not prevent Nathan from seeing his kids. “But just let me help you for a while, okay? I want to… I need to look after my partner.” The look in Nathan‟s eyes softened, darkened as he licked his lips. “Your partner. I like that. I‟ve waited so long to hear you say that.” Andrew stroked his hair, his fingers carding through the tangles. He didn‟t want to say what he was about to, but it had to be said. “I need you to be sure this is the right decision, Nate, because if you walk out on me again, it will be the last time. Alex is right. She deserves better than you‟re giving her now. She can find someone who really loves her.” He placed a finger across Nathan‟s lips as he opened his mouth to protest. “But she is still your wife. Whatever you want to do, I will support you. If that means staying away and leaving you alone, then I‟ll do that as well. If you‟re sure you want to be with me as my lover, then I‟ll support you and I can help you and Alex bring up your kids. Rich left me with enough money to do that.” Nathan kissed the finger and removed it. “This will be difficult, and I‟m not gonna say it‟ll be unicorns and rainbows. I‟ve just got my head about being bi and I‟m having a fucking hard time coping with that, but I am in love with you. Living away from my kids is the hardest thing I‟ve ever done, but you‟re not asking me to do it. I‟m finally making that decision for myself. I love you, and we‟ve waited too damn long to be together.” “Then we‟ll find the unicorns and rainbows.” Andrew pulled Nathan into his arms again, kissing his lips, his wet eyes, the tear-tracks down his cheeks. Nathan shuddered under his hands and pressed in closer. “I need you so much, Drew. My head is so full of shit, but I only feel alive when you‟re near me.” 255

Sue Brown “You‟ve got me, Nate. I promise.” Andrew tugged on Nathan‟s Tshirt, needing to feel skin under his hands. Obviously on the same page, Nathan slipped off his jacket and pulled the T-shirt over his head. Andrew was suddenly desperate to get his hands on Nathan, to drag him into his body. He made a growl deep in his throat and heard an answering response in Nathan‟s. “I need—” “Yeah.” “Just let me—” Andrew was attacking the belt on Nathan‟s jeans, his fingers frustrated by the clasp. He was stopped by Nathan placing his hands over his. “I don‟t think… I‟m not sure….” Nathan stopped, frustrated. “Can we just go to bed? I just want to be close to you, and it‟s been a really long day.” “Sure.” Andrew pulled Nathan to his feet. Without ceremony they took off the rest of their clothes. Nathan looked at him with a frown. “You‟re still too thin,” he scolded as he ran a finger down the visible bump of the ribs. “I don‟t eat that much,” Andrew admitted. He wasn‟t about to admit that some days he forgot to eat at all. It was only Rich that had made him cook and eat regular meals. “That‟s gonna change.” Andrew rolled his eyes. “Dude, I can‟t believe you‟ve just got me naked and you‟re nagging me about my eating habits.” Nathan pulled him so that Andrew‟s body was flush against him, his warm belly trapping Nathan‟s cock between them. “You‟re going to need to get your strength back—later,” he drawled out, and Andrew just knew Nathan could feel the sudden flush that flooded his entire body. The low snicker in his ear confirmed it. He flushed even harder, but it was only when he shifted and Nathan moaned at the pressure on his cock that they moved towards the bedroom. Despite the fact both men were hard, they ignored it and rolled under the covers, Nathan buried in Andrew‟s neck again as he took 256

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comfort from their entwined limbs. For a while—Andrew didn‟t know how long it was and didn‟t really care—they stayed in the same position. He wasn‟t sure if Nathan had fallen asleep; his breathing had evened out as he calmed down. Andrew was tired, but he was too strung out to sleep. The enormity of what had just happened was sinking in and he couldn‟t quite take it in. Eventually though, the warmth of Nathan‟s body relaxed him enough to close his eyes. He wasn‟t sure what time it was when he awoke and he didn‟t bother turning his head towards the clock on the nightstand. Andrew wanted to sleep, but his mind was still running amok. “I can hear you thinking,” Nathan murmured sleepily, his fingers curling around Andrew‟s arm. His lips brushed the base of Andrew‟s jaw. “Sorry.” Andrew kissed the top of his head. “Didn‟t mean to disturb you with my noisy thoughts.” Nathan sat up and drew his knees up to his chest, rested his head on them, the sheet pooling around his waist, and Andrew felt the loss of his warmth immediately. He sat up and took one of Nathan‟s large hands between his. “I love you.” “Love you too, Andrew.” Nathan‟s voice was hoarse and thick. “I can‟t quite believe I‟m finally here.” “Neither can I.” He fitted himself against Nathan‟s back and enfolded the younger man in his arms. Nathan leaned back against him, and Andrew could feel him trying to suppress his sobs. Andrew held him tighter. “Shhh, baby, let it go. I don‟t mind. Just let it go.” “I‟m so sorry,” Nathan whispered, his breath hitching as the words caught on a sob. “You never have to say sorry to me,” Andrew said fiercely. “I know this is scary. You‟ve given up everything. But it will be all right, I promise.” 257

Sue Brown “Promise?” Nathan asked shakily, and Andrew pressed a kiss into the back of his neck. “Promise. All the things can be sorted; it‟ll just take some time, that‟s all.” Andrew pulled him down and rolled on top of him, straddling his thighs. He stared down into Nathan‟s large eyes, framed by tear-spiked lashes. God, this man was everything to him, finally here underneath him. He wanted to pull the covers over their heads as he had on their first night and hide them in the bed forever. Nathan pulled him down and kissed him tenderly. They kissed for a long time, soft kisses that meant comfort and love and warmth and nothing else. When Nathan‟s hips started pressing up against him, and little gasps escaped between kisses, he sat up. “Fuck!” He wasn‟t sure which one of them said it, but he agreed. Andrew moved down Nathan‟s thighs to look at the man spread out underneath him. Nathan was hard again and it had been so long, too long. Andrew didn‟t waste time teasing. He leaned forward, licked away the precome leaking at the tip, and sucked the head into his mouth. “Oh God, Andrew.” Nathan‟s fingers scrabbled in Andrew‟s short hair, his hips bucking up. Andrew pulled off, ignoring Nathan‟s impassioned pleas. He pushed his face into his thighs, licking and kissing the soft skin, sucking and rolling his sac and licking up his perineum. Nathan spread his legs to give Andrew better access. “Fuck, you‟re more gorgeous than when we first met.” Andrew‟s mouth went dry as he looked at the display in front of him. He pushed his legs further apart and just looked. Nathan colored slightly, embarrassed at the unabashed admiration in Andrew‟s face, but there was no mistaking the flush that was spreading down his neck and chest. “Are you just going to stare at me or are you actually going to do something?” “Just let me look at what‟s mine,” Andrew said, kneeling back on his heels. He could look and touch and not feel guilty or worried. He watched as a drop of precome flared from the slit and ran over the head. 258

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“God,” he whispered as he caught it with his finger and brought it to Nathan‟s lips. The younger man sucked it in, the feeling going directly to Andrew‟s cock. Andrew rested his face in the crease of Nathan‟s thigh, licking at the sweat. Slowly he drove Nathan insane with his light licks and kisses. They had all night and he wasn‟t going to rush. He looked up to see Nathan lying back with an arm flung over his eyes. “Nate, look at me,” he demanded. Nathan did as he was told. “I want you to watch.” “Dear God.” Nathan‟s prayer fell from his lips as Andrew‟s mouth slid down his cock. “Andrew, please.” Andrew pulled off, the obscene sound making Nathan moan again. “Fuck my mouth!” He wrapped his lips around the bulbous head of the cock and waited. He wanted Nathan to take the initiative, to want this. “Andrew… I….” Andrew tightened his hands on Nathan‟s ass and pulled him in closer, not letting go of his cock. Hands tangled in Andrew‟s hair and Nathan looked down at him, catching his gaze. Andrew‟s eyes were clear and unwavering on his. Nathan‟s hips bucked up. Andrew took it. It seemed to release something in Nathan and he set a steady rhythm, fucking Andrew‟s mouth gently until Andrew was dragging on him, trying to pull him closer. Nathan was chanting a liturgy of “pleasepleaseplease” until he was bucking uncontrollably. Drool was running down Andrew‟s chin and he couldn‟t breathe but he wasn‟t going to stop, he wasn‟t going to let go until… with a strangled cry, Nathan pumped down his throat. Andrew lay gasping beside him as Nathan recovered from his orgasm. “That was… Christ, Andrew… I‟ve never, ever….” Andrew smiled. He‟d sucked the coherence out of Nathan 259

Sue Brown Peterson. He felt pretty damn smug. Rolling over on his side, Nathan looked at Andrew, his dick hard and wanting against his stomach. “What about you?” “Touch me.” Andrew‟s voice was raw, he could barely speak, but the order was unmistakable. Nathan swallowed hard as he leaned forward and placed his hand on the warm skin over Andrew‟s heart. Andrew shuddered under his touch. He moved so that he was flush against Nathan‟s body, his lips pressed into the rough stubble of Nathan‟s neck, feeling the blood pulse under his lips. Nathan was obviously recovering from his monumental orgasm, because he was already half-hard against Andrew‟s thigh. They strained together for a few minutes, not able to talk beyond words of “like this” and “now.” Nathan ran his hands over Andrew, his large hands thumbing at Andrew‟s dark nipples, his fingers sliding along the taut ribcage. “God.” Andrew was shivering under his hands. “Please, Nate, want you to fuck me.” “Whatever you want, baby,” agreed Nathan. Nathan picked Andrew up and flipped them over, pushing him, face-first, onto the bed. “I‟m gonna fuck you. I‟m gonna fill you up so hard you‟ll be screaming!” “A lot of talking, Nate, but not much action,” Andrew husked, pushing back hard against Nathan, his body begging for Nathan to get a move on. He felt Nathan‟s hand on his lower back, the touch grounding him, and the other hand starting to circle his hole. Andrew couldn‟t stop the whimpers and moans as Nathan slowly finger-fucked him. “Better?” “Uh, huh.” “Want me to…?” Andrew looked over his shoulder. “Nathan, I want that big dick of yours in my ass in the next two seconds.” 260

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Nathan pushed in, the head of his prick breaching Andrew‟s body. “Oh my God….” Andrew was keening as he pushed back against Nathan, his head dropping between his shoulder blades. “Please, Nate, I‟m so close, so close.” He pushed back onto Nathan‟s cock, seeking to relieve the pressure building inside him. Nathan‟s hands clasped Andrew‟s shoulders, yanking him back onto his cock, making him yelp. “My turn to fuck you ‟til you scream.” “God yeah. Want that,” Andrew begged. The slap of Nathan‟s hand across his ass made it clench hard around Nathan‟s cock, provoking hisses from both of them. “You‟re mine.” “Am I?” Andrew looked over his shoulder. “Don‟t say that if you don‟t mean it.” He still needed that reassurance. “I mean it. You‟re mine, only mine. There will be no one else, ever.” Nathan pushed Andrew down into the mattress, covering him completely. “Only yours,” agreed Andrew. “I don‟t want anybody else.” “No playing, no night clubs, nothing.” “Only you, forever.” It was as solemn as a vow. “You‟re mine,” Nathan repeated. He could have laid a brand across Andrew‟s heart. “I always have been.” And God, didn‟t they feel the weight of the last seven years press down on them as they knew that was the truth? Nathan pulled back until the head of his cock was almost at the opening. Andrew flat-out whined at the loss. “S‟alright, baby,” soothed Nathan as he stroked Andrew‟s flank. “Please.” “Mine!” His hips snapped forward as Nathan staked his claim. “Yours!” Like there was any question. One of Nathan‟s hands sheathed Andrew‟s cock, holding him firmly. 261

Sue Brown “I love you, Andrew.” “I love you too, Nathan.” Andrew felt Nathan bite into his neck, and he pressed hard into the sting. “I want your body, I want your mind, and I want you every minute of every day.” “You don‟t have to keep asking. You‟ve got me,” Andrew assured him and then found it hard to breathe as Nathan growled, “I wasn‟t asking.” For the first time Nathan seemed to be completely clear about what he wanted. No hiding, no guilt, and he knew damn well what he wanted. His fingers dug cruelly into Andrew‟s hips, both of them yelling as he nailed Andrew‟s prostate time and again. This wasn‟t a gentle sealing of their relationship; that would come later. It was hard fucking and they both needed it. Andrew‟s orgasm was ripped from him, balls tightening painfully, and Nathan followed as a last, deep thrust into Andrew made them both cry out. The movement made Andrew‟s arms give way and they tumbled onto the bed, a pile of limbs, sweat-ridden and covered in come. Andrew realized they‟d forgotten to use a condom; a stupid omission, but one that said a lot about their state of mind. It obviously occurred to Nathan as well as he reached down and touched the warmth seeping out of Andrew. “I didn‟t even think about it,” he commented. Andrew reached down and touched him there, their fingers tangling together. “Perhaps we ought to get tested, just to reassure each other.” “Okay,” Nathan agreed. “I want nothing between us.” It was a way of binding them together, acknowledging there would be no one else. Andrew reached round, seeking Nathan‟s mouth. They kissed, sloppy, unfocused, and desperately sweet kisses. He felt Nathan roll off his back and pull him into his chest, reversing their positions from earlier. They relaxed in each other‟s arms for a few minutes, but Nathan could obviously still feel the tension present in Andrew‟s body. 262

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“Drew? What‟s the matter?” Andrew raised his head up and rested his chin on Nathan‟s chest. He didn‟t want to destroy the feeling between them, but— “Are you gonna walk out on me?” Nathan exhaled sharply, his relief immediate and noisy. “No! God no, fuck no.” His arms wrapped around Andrew and he squeezed tightly. Andrew coughed and he let go. “I came here last night knowing that I was leaving my family behind. Knowing what I was giving up.” Andrew frowned and opened his mouth to speak, but Nathan forestalled him. “I know what I‟m getting. You.” His hand stroked Andrew‟s cheek and Andrew nuzzled into his hand, as Nathan had earlier. “You‟re all I want.” “And your kids? Your career? It would be so much easier just to stay a straight, married man.” He wanted to believe him, but he just couldn‟t. “A bisexual, miserable, unfaithfully married man in love with someone else,” corrected Nathan. “Alex and I will work it out. We‟re not the first family to split up, and we‟ll work it out. I‟m a great teacher and Skinner‟s promised me a good reference.” It was brave talk, but Andrew could hear the underlying worry. “Ego much?” commented Andrew, but he was still worrying. “Too right.” Nathan pulled Andrew so that he was laying fully on top of him, their flaccid cocks sliding against each other and provoking a hiss from the older man. “Tell you what else I‟m good at.” Andrew raised an eyebrow. Obviously deciding actions spoke louder than words, Nathan slid one large hand around the back of Andrew‟s head and tugged it down. Andrew‟s smile was caught in their kiss as their lips met. The sounds of soft kisses filled the air and Andrew was lost in the touch and smell of his man wrapped around him. For the first time since he met Nathan, he felt completely at home in his arms. Nathan sighed, the sound captured between them. Andrew pulled back slightly. “Are you really all right, Nate?” “Not really. Just give me some time.” 263

Sue Brown Andrew nodded and lay back down. There were no further words when they made love again, rigid heat against hipbones, sweat and precome easing the way as they kissed, pressing together as their hands explored each other, their orgasms almost incidental. The need for skin pressed against skin was what both men craved. But for Andrew, it wasn‟t the sex that was important. It wasn‟t even the falling asleep together, although they entwined so tightly, as if they were afraid to let each other go. For Andrew it was the moment he woke up a second time to discover Nathan in his arms, blinking sleepily up at him, and it gave him a feeling of intense happiness instead of the pain that he normally had when he was with Nathan. “Morning.” Nathan‟s voice was soft and sleepy. “Morning.” Andrew kissed him, running his hand lazily down Nathan‟s back. Andrew snuffled and pressed in closer, one leg sliding between Nathan‟s legs, the slight friction as the fine hair on their legs caught making them both shiver. “Can‟t quite believe you‟re still here,” Andrew said, his voice muffled against Nathan‟s chest. “I thought you‟d be gone when I woke up. Thought I‟d dreamed it all.” “I‟m not goin‟ anywhere,” Nathan assured him, his arms tightening around him. “Not this time.”

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Epilogue

ANDREW watched the couple, noting the matching smiles on their faces as they chatted to Allison. The man gathered her in closely, tucking her into his side, her tiny form barely scraping his shoulder. Andrew noted the matching rings as their hands splayed over her flat stomach. She was beautiful, happiness lending her a glow that had been missing for a long time. Andrew dug another bottle out of the bucket of beer by the fridge, shivering as a trickle of ice water ran down his arm. Glancing at the kitchen clock, he silently cheered. Half an hour more and then he had been promised an escape. He jumped as an arm snaked around his waist, long nails briefly digging into his side. “They look happy,” Stephanie said as they watched the newlyweds. “She looks radiant,” agreed Andrew as he took another chug of his beer. “Yes, she does,” Stephanie said softly. “He‟s been good for her.” She looked up at Andrew with a speculative expression. “And you? How are you two now?” “We‟re doing fine.” Most of the time. She gave him a come on look. He sighed inwardly, knowing he couldn‟t get anything past his ex-wife. Stephanie knew him just about better than anyone, including Nathan. “He finds it hard to be away from the kids so much. And just when we get things settled down, they go and throw this shocker at us.” Stephanie nodded. “She told me yesterday. Two years, isn‟t it? 265

Sue Brown And in London.” “Two years for now. It could be longer. Evan‟s last posting lasted nearly four years.” Andrew watched Evan take a step back as Allison started waving her clipboard around. Alex had met Evan shortly after she and Nathan had parted. He worked for a foreign investment bank. “Nate‟s pretty cut up about it. It‟s more difficult now Daniel‟s at school. He needs to be settled in one place, not shuttling backwards and forwards between us. At least Colin was old enough for us to explain it to him. Daniel‟s not so bad, but Jessie really doesn‟t have a clue why Daddy keeps taking her away from her own bed. At least Nathan and Alex are talking to each other now, rather than through their lawyers.” She patted him sympathetically. “And Nate‟s new job? How‟s it going?” Andrew smiled. “Yeah, thanks to Skinner. The new principal is a friend.” Stephanie knew what that meant. “He told Nathan to keep his head down, not to blow up his school, and play up the doting dad role for all he was worth.” She looked at him quizzically. “And how do they explain you?” “Roommate.” “How do you feel about that?” Feel about it? He hated it. It was like stepping back to being a teenager again after a few brief years of freedom with Rich. But if it was the difference between living alone and living with the man who was his everything, there really wasn‟t a choice. He just shrugged. She knew him well enough that he didn‟t have to answer. Stephanie looked around for a fresh bottle of wine. It was the first neighborhood event since she‟d given birth to another little girl that she‟d been able to drink alcohol. Andrew caught her gaze and leaned back, snagging a half-full bottle from the counter behind him. “Here, you deserve this,” he said, filling her glass to the brim. “God, yes!” Andrew watched in amusement as half the glass went in one swallow. “Is Joe doing the feed tonight?” She had her hands full with two little girls under three. 266

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Stephanie grinned, her gaze up at him slightly unfocused. “Joe is doing the feeds all weekend,” she said triumphantly. “He wants to go away with you and Nathan on that boys‟ weekend, so I get this weekend to myself—well, apart from this do. Tomorrow Alex and I are going to a spa for a day of pampering and no kids.” Andrew whistled approvingly. “Good for you, Steph. Make the most of it.” “I fully intend to, hon. Where‟s your man?” “Nate was playing Mario Kart with Daniel, Colin, and Jess. Not sure where he is now.” “We‟re never going to separate those boys, are we?” He grinned at his ex-wife. “Daniel and Colin? Never. They are joined at the hip.” Then the grin slipped off his face. “Are you worried Colin doesn‟t bring home many girls?” She refilled her glass before answering. “A little. He‟s not really interested in girls, is he?” “No. Mind you, he doesn‟t seem that interested in boys either. The only things that he gets excited about are cameras and ice cream.” Stephanie shrugged and said, “He‟ll catch up soon enough. I love him whatever and whoever he chooses.” “All the same, it‟ll be easier if he likes the women.” God, how was he going to face his momma if Colin turned out to be gay as well? “Stop freaking out about your mother.” Andrew looked at her in astonishment. “I know you and I know your mom. More to the point, she knows me. If she says one thing out of place to my son, Ruth will never set foot in this house again.” “But—” “But nothing. She can‟t lay a finger on him. Hey, come here.” It was only as Stephanie pulled him into a hug that Andrew realized he was shaking. He was in his mid-thirties and still affected by his mother. How pathetic was that? “At least we know our son will never have to go through the same things you went through.” 267

Sue Brown She held him fiercely for a few minutes and then she pulled back to look at him. “Okay now?” He nodded and was about to speak when Joe came over. “Please save me from Allison‟s clipboard,” Joe begged. Andrew decided not to point out that he was hiding from a woman at least a foot smaller than him. “What have we done wrong this time?” Stephanie asked, a scowl on her face. New motherhood didn‟t seem to have improved her tolerance for controlling women. “Bailey‟s choice of bathroom was inappropriate,” he quoted. “She peed on her lawn?” Andrew hazarded a guess. They nodded. Their dog flatly refused to go in their yard and would only go after waiting for hours, generally against the mailboxes down the road if he didn‟t get to the park on time. Most of the neighbors were reasonably tolerant, but Allison took exception to Bailey‟s bathroom habits and was a regular complainant on the Kings‟ doorstep. Andrew looked around but could see no sign of the errant mutt. “Where is Bailey? We were gonna take her out with us to the park.” “Yeah, she‟s stuck in the den with Tyler and Ruby, hiding from the clipboard. Hey, how long is it ‟til we go?” The look of relief on Joe‟s face at the prospect of escape was palpable. The kitchen clock showed Andrew they had another ten minutes before Allison‟s allotted time for the men, dogs, and children to escape to the park. “Do you think we could go now?” Joe muttered. “Oh no!” Stephanie shook her head and took Joe‟s hand in a firm grasp. “You guys are not leaving me alone with that woman for any longer than you have to. She‟s a nightmare.” “Why don‟t you come with us?” Andrew suggested, a mischievous smirk playing about his lips. “No reason you can‟t play soccer too.” Stephanie shuddered delicately. “No thank you, dear. You boys are welcome to the kids and dogs for a couple of hours. Besides, it‟s a 268

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tradition now. I‟ll cope. Alex and I can hold off Allison for a while to give you a break.” “Time to go, Andrew.” Nathan and Colin were waving from the kitchen doorway, Daniel holding his dad‟s hand. Andrew could see Jim and Michael plus a couple of the other neighbors milling about impatiently, Jim clasping a soccer ball in one hand and a cooler in the other. Andrew smiled at Stephanie. “Your clock must be slow,” he suggested, giving her a wholly spurious innocent look as she glared at him. Joe sniggered, and she turned her glare on her husband. Andrew took the opportunity to smile at his man. “You okay, love?” he mouthed. Nathan nodded and held out his other hand. Andrew joined him, tangling their fingers together. Nathan tugged him into a hug and for a minute, Andrew‟s nose was smushed into Nathan‟s shirt. He inhaled deeply, enjoying the smell of his man, the individual scents of detergent and shower gel and the clean sweat smell that was just Nathan. He took another deep breath and then stepped back, smiling at his son. His smile slipped a little when he thought about the conversation he had just had with Stephanie. “Is everything all right, Dad?” Colin asked with a puzzled look. At seventeen, Colin was taller than his father but still slender. The Goth phase was long behind and his hair was soft and floppy, more Stephanie‟s color than Andrew‟s, but his bright blue eyes were all his father‟s. “S‟all fine. Let‟s get going before she stops us.” He ruffled his son‟s hair and shoved him lightly towards the door. Nathan gave him a speculative look. Andrew mouthed an “I’ll tell you later,” and he nodded. Tugging on Nathan‟s hand impatiently, Daniel said, “Come on, Dad,” and pulled him after Colin. Surreptitiously stroking Andrew‟s ass, Nathan said, “As the boys say, Drew, let‟s go. ‟Bout time my boy and I whupped your asses.” 269

Sue Brown “Like you could,” Andrew scoffed, leaning back into the caress. “Evan, you coming with us?” Alex‟s new husband looked surprised but pleased at receiving the invitation. “Where are we going?” “You get a „Get out of Jail Free‟ card,” his wife groused, but she too looked pleased at Evan‟s inclusion, and she wandered over to join Stephanie. The men started walking towards the park, Andrew and Nathan diverting off to get the dogs. They followed the others at a slower pace, hand in hand as they walked, not caring who saw, not caring about anything much at that point except an afternoon in the sunshine with each other and their family and friends. Andrew wasn‟t alone. He‟d never really been alone. Stephanie and Rich had always been there for him. He just hadn‟t realized it. They were still part of him, of what made him who he was. And there was his son, with his whole life ahead of him. Now he had Nathan; the man he‟d fallen in love with so many years previously was the man in whose arms he fell asleep and who kissed him awake every morning. Nathan looked up, caught him staring, and winked at him, a heated, sultry gaze that made Andrew‟s toes curl. He smiled back and walked over to join them. As he joined his lover and his son in playing an energetic game of soccer in the afternoon sunshine, Andrew realized the song was wrong. The needle didn‟t return to the start of the song. It just kept on playing.

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About the Author

SUE BROWN is owned by her dog and two children. When she isn‟t following their orders, she can be found at university listening to lecturers discuss long-dead theologians. In her head, however, she‟s plotting how to get her cowboys into bed together; she just hopes the lecturer doesn‟t ask her any questions. Sue discovered M/M erotica at the time she woke up to find two men kissing on her favorite television series. The series was boring; the kissing was not. She may be late to the party, but she‟s made up for it since, writing fan fiction until she was brave enough to venture out into the world of original fiction.

Also by SUE BROWN

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