Monkey Business: Swinging Through the Wall Street Jungle

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�USlness Swinging Through the Wall Street Jungle John Rolfe and Peter Troob

�ERBOOKS A Time Warner Company

When we started writing this book, we ran into a dilemma. We had lots of stories we wanted to tell, but we also had lots of friends who didn't necessarily want their names associated with those stories. We knew that a story . without people isn't much of a story, though, so we de­ cided to make some changes. The stories in this book are true. However, we've mod­ ified the identities and certain details about the people and companies and divisions we've written about. All the names except our own, DLJ's, and those of Dick Jenrette and John Chalsty, have been changed. The dialogue has been reconstructed to the best of our memory. Mter all, we didn't spend our day s as investment bankers wired up like a couple of CIA guy s. Hopefully, we've managed to protect the innocent and embarrass only ourselves. We're OK with that. We hope this keeps our friends friendly and ensures that neither of us will ever wake up with a horse's head under our bedsheets. Truth is indeed stranger than fiction.

Copyright © 2000 by john Rolfe and Peter Troob

All rights reserved.

Warner Books, Inc., 1271 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020 Visit our Web site at

www.twbookmark.com

O. A Time Warner Company Printed in the United States of America First Warner Books Printing: April 2000 10 9 8765 4 3 2 1 Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Rolfe,john

Monkey business : swinging through the Wall Streetjungle /

john Rolfe and Peter Troob. p.

cm.

ISBN 0-446-52556-1 1. Rolfe, john.

2. Brokers-United States-Biography.

3. Donaldson, Lufkin & je'nrette, Inc. United States.

4. Stock exchanges­

5. Stocks-United States.

I. Troob, Peter.

II. Title. HG4928.5.R655

2000

332.6'2'092-dc21 [B]

99-3960 CIP

Contents Acknowledgments

IX

Introduction

1

Recruiting: The Seeds of a Dream

7

Interviews and Ecstasy

24

Summer Boot Camp

40

The Courtship

77

Training Wheels

84

The Food Chain

91

The Business

96

The Sizzle

106

Fishing for Value

121

The Merry-go-round

129

The Bottleneck

141

The Holiday Party

154

Drafting

176

Push the Button

195

Travel

207

Bonuses, Reviews, and Compensation

226

The Epiphany

239

The Last Straw

249

Liberation

257

Epilogue

268

Acknowledgments There are a whole bunch of people we need to thank. First of all, we'd like to thank the lovely ladies who 've promised to spend the rest of their lives putting up with us: Marjorie and Amy. We 're two v ery lucky guys, al­ though we might not tell you that quite as much as we should. Your support and encouragement are priceless. We love you. Second, we'd like to thank our entire families. Moms, dads, stepparents, grandparents, bro thers, sisters, in­ laws, and the rest of the gang. We ' re just happy that we're not the only dysfunctional ones in the crew. You make us proud. If it weren't for you, we'd have no one to thank for our deviance. We'd like to thank our editor, Amy Einhorn, for great editorial advice and for making this entire process as easy as it could have possibly been. Thanks for helping us relax when we just go t too damned hyper. You're an angel. We'd like to give special thanks, for both reading the early drafts and providing o ther inv aluable advice, to Lisa Cohen, Susie-Q Silva, Julie Wurm, Mike Marone, Nick Day, Deion Oglesby, and Lou Wallach. We'd like to thank everybody else who read the early drafts of the book and told us that we needed to try a little harder . . . Climpedy Ballbag, John McGuire, P Rowan,

x

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS Dan Shore, AlI- Sports & Kelley Day, David Hillman, David Ja�kson, and Jon Bauer. One day perhaps we can repay you-like with a cookout or something. We'll even buy the beer. We 'd like to thank the entire crew at Time Warner Trade Publishing, especially Sandra Bark-without all of you, it wouldn't have happened. We'd like to thank simian artist extraordinaire, Larry Keller. You draw the best monkeys of anyone we know. May your life be full of banana s. We'd like to thank our counselor, Bob Stein, for pro­ viding good adv ice and helping us chart a safe course thro' ugh the sometimes uncertain waters of publishing legalese. We like you lots and would love to spend more time shooting the shit with you, but that damned busi­ ness of getting charged by the hour is standing in the way. And, of course, we'd like to thank all our other pals who were in the trenches with us at DLj, without whom we wouldn't hav e had anything to write about. You know who you are. We hope that every single one of you finds what you're looking for.

Monkey Business

Introduction

I never

could understand how two men can write a book together; to me that 's like three people getting together to have a baby. -Evelyn Waugh

A

few years ago, Rolfe and I stood on the edge of what we thought was a desert. Across the desert we bel i eved we saw a l ush, green oasis. We hoped that the pleasures of that oasi s wou l d one day be ou rs . The more we thought about the oasis, the more convi nced we were of the u ntold pleasures that lay with i n its l u xu riant borders. There was only one problem. The desert. W hen we fi rst started out as investment banking asso­ ciates, the oasis was represented by a coveted appoi nt­ ment as a managing d i rector of the fi rm . We were wi l l ing to c ross those hot burning sands, the i nterim years as i n­ vestment banking associates and vice presidents, i n o rder to one day bask i n the shade of a p a l m frond. A few months after beginning our jou rney, though, we began to suspect that the original oasis that we had seen m ight be a m i rage. For a time we became lost, del i rious i n the hot

3

2 JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB

MONKEY BUSINESS

s u n, but eventual l y we regai ned o u r beari ngs. It became c lear to us that whatever oasis l ay out there for us, to get there we were going to have to c ross more sand than we cou ld ever have i m agi ned .

g i n s defi l ed, we can't poss i b l y rid o u rse l ves of the scou rge to which we knowi ngly subm itted . It strength­ ened us and it toughened our h ides. That was good and that was bad . If there was a pum i ce stone for the sou l , we wou l d have scrubbed ou rselves raw. There isn't. I nvestment banking is a profession characteriz ed by

We reasoned that many careers h ave a pai nfu l rite of passage attached to them. The med i cal profession has m ed school and residenc ies. The l egal occu pation has c lerksh i ps and the years of i n itial gru nt work. The i nvest­ ment ban k i ng busi ness is no exception. Young investment ban kers m u st pay their dues i n order to be able one day to grab h o l d of the brass r i n g . Most, if not a l l , sen ior ban kers paid these d ues and took these l u mps. Some of them are better off for having done so. If they had to do it, then so d i d we. Those were the ru l es . Are we better o ff for hav i ng su bjected ourselves to the associate ra n ks of investment ban k i ng? Yes . Was it al l m i serable? Absolutely not. We experienced l ots of good and lots of bad wh i le on the d ues-payi ng h ighway, most of it without much s leep. But at one point along that h igh­ way we decided to pay the exit tol l and get off. We both sti l l work i n the world of Wal l Street, and we'd be lying if we tol d you that money doesn't matter to us. When it came to i nvestment ban king, though, the costs and the benefits seemed way out of whack. So we don't work as bankers a nymore, and now we enjoy wal ki ng i nto work every day.

extremes. W hether it's ,money, booze, food, sex, or work hou rs, the typical ban ker bel ieves that more is better. We experienced our fai r share of these extremes, and have recou nted some of our adventures with i n these pages. Ex­ cess and debaucherous pursuits are only half the story, ' though . The other side of the coi n for us was our real iza­ tion that bei ng anoi nted i nvestment bankers d idn't make us the big-shot advisers to corporate d i rectors we thought we were going to be. I nstead, it tu rned out that we spent most of our work time as mindless paper processors . And even though we were paid mighty wel l to push that paper arou nd, the unwavering devotion to the job that was re­ qu i red of us j u st wasn't worth it. We've tried to convey our path to these rea l i zations with i n these pages as wel l .

We don't have a lot of regrets. There aren't many jobs, after al l, that cou ld have given us the opportunity to l ive iike hedon ists and come to the real ization that the em­ peror has no clothes, a l l before our th i rtieth birthdays. We worked at Donaldson, Lufki n & Jen rette (DLJ). This

Th is is the story of our rite of passage. It's the story of

story isn't just about D LJ, though. This story is about the dues that al l j u n ior investment bankers have to pay. We

two i nvestment banking associates and ou r long jou rney

have l ots of friends at other i nvestment banks. Same sh it.

from eagerly competi ng to enter the world of investment

Investment bankers spend 50 percent of their time try i ng

ban k i ng to even more eagerly scramb l i ng to get out of it.

to convince potentia l cl ients that their bank is d ifferent

T h i s book is our catharsis. Banking is what we d id-i n­

than the other guy's bank, but for a ju nior banker, at the

vestment ban k i ng associates were who we were. Like v i r-

end of the day, they're a l l the same. Any young i nvest-

5

4

JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB

MONKEY BUSINESS

ment banker, regard less of the ban k he works at, can tel l the same stories about worki ng for th ree days straight

on October 24, 1995, when they heard the outrageous spec ial interest story of the day. The w i re serv ices re­ leased the story fi rst. It was q u ickly picked up and par­

w ith no s l eep, gett i ng screamed at for messi ng up the page �umbers in a pitch book, or aging before one's time l ike a block of cheddar cheese left out of the refrigerator. The older ban kers may h ave had better l ives, they may have had more fu n , but we wou l d n 't know this because we were j u n ior b a n kers. As j u n ior guys, ou r l ives sucked . For some, hopefu l l y, th i s story may provide a fresh win­ d ow into the world of investment ban king. Without being o ne, no one can rea'IIy know what a banker does. Before we started, a l l we knew was that ban kers, traders, and egregious salaries were a l ways mentioned in the same b reath . U n derstand i n g what a trader does is a l ittle more

roted by al most every major med ia outlet in the cou ntry as a c1ass k example of Wal l Street excess. A fifty-eight­ year-ol d frustrated managing d i rector from Tru st Com­ pany of the West, on an airplane trip from Buenos Aires to New York City, downed an excessive n u mber of cock­ tai l s, got out of his seat in the fi rst-class cabin of a U n ited A i rl i nes fl ight, dropped his pants, and took a crap on the service cart. There you have it. That's what ban kers do: consu me, process, and dissem i nate. I n general, the only way for a young associate to sur­ vive the i nvestment banking gauntlet is either to buy i nto

i ntuitive than u n de rstand i ng what a banker does, because everybody's traded for someth ing i n their l ife. It may have been someth ing as s i mp l e as a rookie Ron G u idry base­ bal I card for an AI I-Star Reggie Jackson card, but the con­ cept of an exc h ange for rel ative value is as old as h u man k i nd itself. Investment banking has no such intu­ i t i ve cou nterpart in real l ife. I t took our mothers s i x months t o real ize that we weren't stockbrokers, working the phones to sel l c rappy p u b l ic offeri ngs to u nsuspecti ng

it hook, l i ne, and s i n ker or to mainta i n some sense of humor about what it is that he or she is dOi ng. Keeping one foot grou nded i n rea l ity, though, doesn't necessarily d ictate the mai ntenance of any mental eq u i l i bri u m . After all, if you've got one foot on a block of d ry ice and the other on a red-hot stove, the average temperatu re may be

i n vestors. It took us another six months after that to real ­ ize that w e were, i n fact, sel l i ng crappy p u b l i c offerings

time at D LJ fol lowing busi ness school was about eight times what the average col lege graduate earns at h i s fi rst

to i n vestors. The o n l y d ifference was that we weren't seIl­ i ng them over the phone, we were d o i ng it in person, and

job, and we cou ld expect that compensation to double every two years. We traveled the cou ntry by private jet,

the i nvestors weren't u n s u s pecting i nd ividual investors,

stayed in the best hotels, and ate in the best restau rants.

they were the Fidel itys, the Putnams, and the T. Rowe

Eventual ly, though, we real ized that the compensation

Prices of the world.

pretty comfortable but you ' l l sti l l end up with two b l i s­ tered feet at the end of the day. Our fi rst fu l l-year compensation after sign i ng on fu l l ­

levels and the perks weren't in place because being an

The c l osest most peo p l e h ave ever come to u nder­

assoc iate i n investment ban king was a great job. They

stan d i ng what an investment banker does may have been

were in p l ace beca u se the job sucked . The one i m-

6 JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB m utab l e tru ism that exists for ban kers is that any problem can be solved by th rowing enough money and ti me at it. The i m p l ication ? The banker's greatest enem ies are those

O u r intent here is not to j udge. Lots of our friends are sti l l bankers. They' re sti l l out there crossing that burn i ng­ h ot sand with the s u n beati ng down on the i r heads, and some of them rea l l y l i ke what they're doi ng-just l i ke a

Recruiting: The Seeds of a Drealll

throng of wandering Bedou i ns. As some malcontent once . said, it's a d i rty j o b but someone's got to do it. 'When we tal ked about writing a book about our time as assoc iates in i n vestment banking we asked each other, "What w i l l we say?" And then we i mmediate l y answered, " How we got there. What we d i d and how we got out. How we lost o u r balance. Everyth i ng, man . " Wel l , as our favorite box ing referee, Mi l l s Lane, always proclaim s, " Let's get it on!"

See the happy moron, He doesn 't give a damn. I wish I were a moron­ My God, perhaps I am! -Anonymous rhyme

people w hose sou l s are n ot for sale, and those who real­ ize that time is a nonrenewa ble com modity.

In

the middle of Times Square, at the intersection of Broadway and Forty-third Street, sits what was once the United States Armed Services' premiere recruiting of­ fice. The office, built almo st fifty years ago , was con­ ceived as a shining testament to the unlimited promise of a military career, positioned as it was in the middle of the Crossroads to the World. Today, though, it is only a v ague reminder of what it once was. Vagrants use the back of the building to provide some relief from the summer sun , and o ccasio nal relief from a bottle of Boone's Farm. On a good day, a few listless teenagers

8

9 JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB

may wander in to find out exactly how much they'll get paid to be all they can be. With the decline of the militar y's once-venerable insti­ tution, however, has come a concomitant rise in another recruiting institution: the Wall Street Investment Bank­ ing Machine. From lower Manhattan to midtown, the well-oiled device hums around the clock and around the calendar. Its serpentine tentacles are rooted in nearly every well-regarded under gradu ate institution in the count ry and all of the top business schools. The ma­ chine's sole objective: to fill the conduit with as many an­ alysts and associates-the serfs and indentured servants of the investment banking world-as it can find. Ultimately, as we would find out, a large part of any in­ vestm ent bank's success becom es a function' of how many bodies it can throw at a given piece of business, or, even more important, a potential piece of business. The effort to fill the pipeline with these bodies, therefore, is never ending.

The Analysts At the lowest level of the investment banking hierarchy , are the analysts. To find this young talent, the I-banks send their manicured young bankers out to the Whar­ tons, Harvards, and Princetons of the world to roll out the red carpet for the top undergraduates and begin the process of destroying whatever noble ideals these young­ sters may still have left. 'For the recruiting banker, the ideal analyst candidate is somebody with above-average intelligence, a love of money (or the capaCity to learn

MONKEY BUSINESS that love), a view of the world conforming with that of the Marquis de Sade, and the willingness to work all ' night, every night, with a big grin on his face, like the joker from Batman. The analysts are at the bottom of the shit heap. They are the algae under the rim of the public toilets at the Port Authority bus station, the scum below the scum at the bottom of a beer keg. They'll spend two to three years being mentally, emotionally, and physically abused, and for that benefit they'll be well trained and extremely well compensated. No matter how bad things get, they'll never have anybody loweron the corporate totem pole to whom they can off-load their misery. Following their. two- to three-year stint, the vast major­ ity of the analysts will either strike out for any of a hand­ ful of graduate business schools, depart the firm for other opportunities within Wall Street's financial com­ munity, or regain their sanity and elect to pursue other interests entirely. There's very little upward mobility from the analyst programs into the higher echelons of the investment bank. Analysts quickly learn, in no uncer­ tain terms, that their days as analysts terminate after three years. To the uninitiated this may seem, at best, shortsighted and, at worst, akin to infanticide. Why jetti­ son these young minds with two to three years of hard­ core financial training? The answer is simple. The analysts have been tortured and abused for three years. They've reached the point of being dangerous. To keep them on would be to institutionalize sure seeds of dis­ content within the investment bank. A majonty of the analysts leave the job pissed off and with a deep-seated hatred of the investment banking in-

10

11 JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB

MONKEY BUSINESS

stitution . They learned a lot and enjoyed being paid more money than they ever thought they could make, but they also despised the work and the people that made them do it. However, amazingly, it seems that about 50 percent of those analysts who hated what they did go back into investment banking after two years in a graduate business school program. Somehow, absence makes the heart grow fonder. As with a bad injury, they tend to forget how terrible the pain was. They know it was horrible, but they just can't remember exactly how much it hurt. So these analysts go back into banking thinking that life as an associate will be different. Basi­ cally, they reinjure themselves. Troob was one of these injured veterans who decided to return for a second tour of duty.

corresponding get-out-ofjail-free program to avail one­ self of at the end of a two-to-three-year stay. There· is no light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. The associates are recruited under the expectation that they know what it is they're signing on to do, and that once on board, they'll dutifully climb the corporate ladder to the top of the golden pyramid. Vice president, senior vice presi­ dent, managing director. The path is clear. In reality, the attrition level for associates is fairly high. They leave for competing investment banks. They leave to work for clients of the investment bank. They leave when they re­ alize that sex with themselves is becoming the norm. Whatever the reason, between the moles brought on board to climb the ladder, and those helicoptered in to replace the departing lemmings, the flood of fresh-faced associates is constant.

The Associates At the next rung up the investment banking ladder are the associates, that's what we were. You can generally as­ sume that the associates are a happier lot than the ana­ lysts, since they have both the institutional backing and the ability to ease their own misery by heaping agony onto the analysts. Therein lies the beauty of the heirarchy. Since the investment banks are in the aforementioned practice of regularly paroling virtually the entire third­ year analyst class, which class would have included any an­ alysts with the potential for promotion to associate, the recruitment of associates and the replacement of these de­ parting third�year analysts becomes a full-time process. For the associates in an investment bank there is no

The OtherslIlce President to Managing Director Above the associates are the vice presidents, the senior vice presidents (or junior managing directors, depend� ing on the firm), and the managing directors. The ·asso­ ciates all have the same goals. They want to make vice president in three to four years, senior vice president in five to seven years, and managing director in seven to nine years. They all hope to be making seven figures by the time they hit managing director. Sometimes, though, from the associates' perspective, it seems like there are just three levels in the banking hi­ erarchy: analysts, associates, and everybody else. Mter

12

13 JOHN ROLFE AND PETER 1'ROOB

all, anybody senior to an associate has the institution's di­ vine sanctio n to shit on the associate 's head, and if you're the one getting shit upon there isn 't usually much reason to further subdivide the hierarchy of those doing the shitting.

The Breeding Ground-. Business Schools The most fertile grounds for the associate recruits are the nation's graduate business schools. Due to the sheer number of recruits now requisitioned by Wall Street, the preferred hunting grounds have broadened from their o riginal select subset of o nly the most arrogant Ivy League institutions of the East (i.e., Wharton, Harvard, Columbia) to include o ther marginally less pompous in­ sti tutions. As distasteful as this decrease in the overall level of enlistees' arrog;:lll c e has been for the old-line bankers, it has been driven by necessity. The business school students, for their part, are in no way gullible victims of the evil capitalist pigs. Most have returned to business school with a sole objective: to fur­ ther their career goals through exploitation of the re­ cruiting opportunities that the business schools provide. In all fairness, it should probably be acknowledged that a small minority of the graduate business school students ' do in fact return to school with the accumulation of knowledge as a primary objective. Those that do , how­ ever, are swiftly enlightened and made to see the error of their ways. The indoctrination into the money culture and the transition to job-search mode begins long before the ar-

MONKEY BUSINESS rival of the MBA-to-be on campus. Following the receipt of the school's acceptance letter, which goes to great lengths to assure all budding MBA candidates of their status as members of an academic aristocracy, a large packet follows in the mail. At Wharton and Harvard, the packet was similar. It was filled with policy manuals, health care application forms, and sundry other administrative delights. The most im­ portant enclosure in the Wharton packet, however, was a pamphlet titled The MBA Placement Survey. The place­ ment survey was a gold digger's delight. Every imagin­ able statistic on the recruiting success, or lack thereof, of the prior year's business school denizens was broken . down and reported: percent taking jobs in given indus­ tries, percent taking jobs with given employers, percent taking jobs in given geographic regions, it was all in there. There was only one overriding statistic that really mattered to the budding MBA, though: average starting salary by industry. The first time I saw these figures, my ticker skipped a beat. I was a guy who was coming out of the advertising industry making $17,500 a year and eating black beans and rice four nights a week. There were salaries in The MBA Placement Survey with six figures, and that wasn 't counting any decimal places. We were entering the land of the obscene here. If the starting figures were up on into six-figure range, where would the madness end? A somewhat closer look at the heavily laminated pages should have yielded ano ther clue as to the goals and mind-sets of our future business school classmates. The two job categories snaring the highest percentage of the

15

14 JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB

MONKEY BUSINESS

,

graduating class, management consulting and invest­ ment banking, also happened to have some of the high­ est starting salaries. A coincidence? I think not. Troob and I were about to jump into a velvet-walled cage with some of the JJ!..'!.ediest bastards this side of Ebeneezer Scrooge. Unfortuu"�tely: at the time, we were both wrapped up in a Richie Rich fantasy of our own. We were about to start a frenzied two-year race with America's . I most prized business school graduates, blindly thrashing our way toward the almighty dollar. At Wharton, the official start to this seminal marathon was the 'Welcome to Wharton" seminar during orienta­ tion week. Whatever delusions I may have had prior to this cozy little gathering were quickly dispelled. Sur­ rounded by 750 other hearty young business schoolers in a massive auditorium, all feelings of being part of some­ thing elite, something special, began to melt away. When the progression of second-year students took the podium and began describing, in lurid detail, exactly what awaited everyone on the job-search front, the essence was laid bare. We were there for a two-year mating dance with the recruiters. What the Wharton name would get us was a shot at the best of those recruiters. Given that opportunity, though, it would be up to us to distinguish ourselves from the sea of equally qualified candidates in the seats all around us. We'd have to be willing to climb over these people while wearing golf shoes with sharp­ ened cleats to get where we wanted-no, needed-to be. Fuck camaraderie. What I didn't realize at the time was that not every­ body in that auditorium was reaching these same wrenching realizations that day. Something between a

sizable minority and a majority of my new classmates that day already knew exactly what game was being played. There were bastards there who knew what awaited them, and had voluntarily come back to subject themselves to the process, all for the sake of professional advancement and the accoutrements that accompanied it. The phenomenon, mind you, was in no way peculiar to Wharton. In fact, 350 miles to the north, at that most venerable of all institutions-the Harvard Business . School-a like scene was being played out. And among the 750 dandy young recruits there was one of those bas­ tards who knew the game. A stocky little former invest­ ment banking analyst whom I'd later come to love as we wallowed together in our collective misery paying our dues as investment banking associates at DLJ. Peter Troob. Later, after we got to know each other, Troob would confirm my suspicion that things at Wharton and Har­ vard were just about the same.

Yeah, I was goi ng through the same mating dance at H arvard Busi ness Schoo l . However, I had a big advan­ tage : I'd worked i n investment banking before going back to b u s i ness schoo l . I ' d been a n analyst at K i d d e r Peabody. I knew the pai n, I knew the long n ights a n d the late d i n ners eaten i n the office six n ights a week. The thing was that I had sworn off i nvestment ban king. The sixteen-hour days, the people who had institutional authority to kick my ass, the extra ten pounds I had put on si nce col lege, and my nonexistent social l ife. The i n­ vestment ban k i ng l ife as a j u n ior guy sucked and I knew

17

16 JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB-

MONKEY BUSINESS

it. It paid me wel l for a twenty-two-year-old snot-nosed brat from D u ke, hel ped me get i nto Harvard, and taught

"Where else am I going to make that kind of money? Anyway, it's a steppi ng-stone to a better job. It' l l open up opportu n ities for me in the futu re. It' l l help me get to th e buy-side."

me how to b reak out a company's financials with my eyes c losed, but as I sat i n Harvard B u s i ness Schooi I p ro m i sed myself that I wo u l d n 't go back. No way. I prom ised myself that I wou l d fi n d a more reward ing ca-

"Jesus, man, I don't know." "Look, I can't d iscuss th is anymore, Dan ny. I 've got to get out of th is .steam room. My bal l s look l i ke rais i n s;' Danny and I ended u p i nterviewing at al l the i nvest­ ment banking houses. We were sucked in even before the

- reer, one that m ade me feel good about myself. One that c leansed my sou l i n stead of soi l i ng it. So why was I w i l l ing to j u m p right back i n ? That's a good q uestion . I remem ber s itti n g with one of my good friends, Danny, i n the steam room at the beg i n n i ng of the school year d iscussing that very q uestion. We had both come from a two-year boot camp at Kidder Peabody and we were both at H BS . Danny asked the question fi rst. "Troobie, are you gon na go back to banki ng?" " N o fucking way, m a n . Are you kidd i ng me? Kidder sucked and my l ife was hel l . Fuck banking. I'm gon na do someth i ng else . " "What?"

"1 don't know, consu lting or some shit l i ke that." "Consulting? Making a l l those two-by-two charts and matrices and bei ng shi pped to some buttfuck place l i ke B i lox i , M ississ i pp i , to h e l p consu lt some manufactu ring company for two months ? No thanks." "Yeah, maybe you ' re right, Danny Boy. Not consu lti ng. I ' l l try to get a job in a b uyout fu n d . " "Yeah, right, Troob. Tommy �ommy Lee is only tak i ng two guys t h i s year and KKR is tak i ng one. You're good but either ' I ----you r dad has got to be loaded o r you've got to get the manag i ng partner l a i d if you want that job." "We l l , maybe I ' l l l ook at the ban k i ng jobs again." "What! Troob, are you fuc k i ng i nsane?"

whole recruiting process bega n . We had fal len i nto the trap of money, prestige, and security. We were about to start the sel l i ng of o u r sou l s . We entered the Harva rd Busi ness School fray and away we went.

Presentations and Cocktail Parties

.,

At Wharton, the highly scripted mating dance during which the recruiters first made contact with the recruits corresponded, by no great coincidence, with the first few weeks of classes. Rolling updates of scheduled recruiter visits were distributed to all the students on a weekly basis, and a prominent announcement heralded each day's corporate arrivals: "Coming today, Merrill Lynch in Room 1 , Booze Allen in Room 2, and Johnson & John­ son in Room 3." Subliminally, what was being said was, "Those inter­ ested in the big money will head directly to rooms 1 and 2, and anybody with 'a yen to learn how to market rubber nipples and non-petroleum-based sexual lubricants will kindly report to room 3." The daily routine was nothing if not consistent. The last classes of the day ended at 4:30

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19 JOH N ROLFE AND PETER TROOB

MONKEY BUSINESS

The fIrst corporate presentations of the day began at 4:45 P.M. For Troob at Harvard, or for me at Wharton, it was all the same. The recruiters' presentations were no small-time af­ fair. More often than not, the big guns themselves came pith CEOs and presidents of out to make the sales �e..s. pitch. America's Fortune 500 regularly swallowed their pride, pressed their suits, and shuffled past the rows· of Formica-topped desks to go to the head of the class. Once there, they described in gushing terms how in­ credibly honored they were to be standing in front of America's fInest business school students, and why their diamond-encrusted clubhouse was truly the only one to consider becoming a member of. John Chalsty, then president and head of the Banking Group at DLJ, described just how fortunate he'd been to be able to sp end the last twenty-fIve years of his career at DLJ. DLJ was the hottest fIrm on Wall Street. It employed a lot fewer bankers than Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stan­ ley, or First Boston, but when it came to salaries, bonuses, and sexy deals, it was the big time. It was a swank fIrm full of young, aggressive bankers, many of whom were ex-Drexel Burnham Lambert employees. These were the guys who'd defIned Wall Street in the eighties, and they had a flair for the adventurous. They were deal makers, and junk bonds (or, in the 1990s' cleaned-up lingo, "high-yield bonds") were their forte. DLJ was the home of the high-yield bond, and high-yield bond sales were on a rapid rise. Chalsty, dressed like we imagined a banker would be­ H ermes tie, handmade suit, Ferragamo shoes, and a

monogrammed shirt-exhorted us in his regal South Mrican accent: 'Just go out and do what makes you happy. It's so im­ portant to be happy in this life, I implore you, just go out and fInd what it is that makes you happy and really, truly satisfIes you, and then don't stop until you've made all your dreams come true." He spoke on, telling tales of his trip to Russia as a member of a governmental delegation sent to provide advice to the Russian economic and political chieftains on opening the markets to capitalism. He spoke of the professional opportunities that awaited us at DLJ, the ca­ maraderie, the ability to realize our potential. By God, this man sounded like a genius! You could see the eager MBAs pleading, "Where do I sign? I'll polish shoes! I'll scrub toilets! I'll bugger a billy goat! I'll do anything, as long as it's with John Chalsty at DLJ!" And then, in a moment of subtle biting wit so perfect for the moment that it made the whole room feel faint, Mr. Chalsty handed the podium over to Lou Charles, at that time head of the Equity Research and Trading Group: "I'd like to introduce Lou Charles, the head of our Equity Research and Trading department. Good God, Lou, where on earth did you get that tie? It looks like the tablecloth at the Mexican restaurant I dined at two evenings ago." The walls of the classroom literally shook with laughter. An unprecedented level of mirth! Amazing! Unpreced�nted hilarity! They're such good friends that they're making fun of each other right here in front of everybody! Everyone in the room was beg­ ging, ''Tell me, HOW CAN I GET A JOB HERE?" Lord, help the foolish. Within a two-year period we

P. M .

...

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JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TRoOB

MONKEY BUSINESS

would have heard the identical "do, what makes you happy" speech, an indistinguishable rendition of the governmental delegation to Russia story, and the very same Mexican tablecloth tie introduction line for Lou Charles a' total of no less than four times. But that was later. This was the present. Ip. general, the recruiting presentations lasted for about an hour. A question-and-answer session usually followed. The Q&A sessions were an opportunity for.. the sycophants of the student body to shine. It was their opportunity to show the corporate chieftains how smart and well informed they really were, and to vie for entrance to the International Pantheon of Brown­ nosers.

MBA-speak filled the air. Teamwork, mission statement, top-down approach, information age, global view, downsizing, it went on and on. Fortunately, these sickening ass kissers represented only a minority of the entire business school population, but the antipathy that they engendered among their classmates was far-reaching. Most of the other students made no attempt to disguise their loathing for this human detritus. The reassuring element, and the one that we weren't privy to until we were on the other side of the recruiting table (sadly enough trying to cajole others into our misery as associates in banking), was that the recruiters-without exception-hated these snivel­ ing little dogs as well. The recruiters,' after being asked one of these imbe­ cilic questions, would generally respond with something akin to "That's an excellent, excellent question ... " What was really going through their mind, though, as they proceeded to answer the questions, was generally more along the lines of "Come on up here, Doughboy, , so I can jam this Gucci loafer so far up your ass that the tassels bounce off your tonsils. " Unfortunately for most of the recruiters, the question­ and-answer session was only the second step in the entire wretched experience. A recruiter reception at which the mutual ass kissing reached even more nauseating levels generally followed the Q&A session. At these receptions, the complimentary food and booze flowed as freely as the bullshit. It was a golden opportunity to get a full stomach, a swelled head, and a skewed sense of reality all in one place. The orgy of backslapping would have made Hulk Hogan proud.

"Sir, could you tell me whether you're plan­ ning to generate any new revenue streams through international diversification ? W ill the emerging markets provide an important strategic opportunity for you?" 'That was an absolutely fascinating presenta­ tion, but tell me, does your firm provide the en­ trepreneurial atmosphere which is so important to today's top MBA candidates?"

\

'

"I'm wondering, what competitive advantage are you able to exploit to maximize the economic value added with respect to both human and economic capital at your company?"

1

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22 JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOS

MONKEY BUSINESS

There was a widely held misconception among the stu­ dent body that going to the receptions and meeting the recruiters actually increased one's chances of later being granted an interview. However, what really mattered was experience. And so it was that something of a chicken­ people eople who didn 't
getting at.

what buttons to p u s h i n order to get a rise from the 1-

enough to have had an i nterview du ring the day it was

Final ly, Sunday n ight arrived and if you were l ucky

ban king recru iters. However, th i s was now the big ti me.

possi ble that you wou l d get cal led and asked to join the

Th is was the i n terview p rocess for the real th i ng-a sum­ mer associate position that any idiot in busi ness school

fi rm for the summer. Someti mes, if enough people de­ c i ded to reject offers from a partic u l a r fi rm, the fi r m

knew turned i nto the o pportun ity for a fu l l-time offer and

wou l d cal l people that they had i nterviewed o n Satu rday

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27

JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB but had d i s m i ssed and wou l d then offer them jobs. Yes, these reu sable Satu rday interviewees knew that they were the second choice, but because they needed a coveted i n vestme n t ban k i ng s u m m e r job they took what they c o u l d get. It wasn 't the means that was important, it was the end that cou n ted. I gave the same shameless pitch to each and every bank. The pitch went someth ing l i ke th is: " I was a n analyst at Kidder and I know that 1'.11 have to work l o n g hou rs, but I ' m ready, wi l l ing, and able. I ' l l be a b l e to h it the ground ru n n ing and your fi rm is the one t hat I rea l l y want to work for. You guys have a great repu­ tation and I wou l d be honored to be part of your team . I ' m eager, able, and ready to work for you . I know the reputations of the fi rms because I worked on Wal l Street before and I know that you r fi rm i s a good fit for me. I l i ked what I did as an analyst and I real ly want to go back i nto i nvestment ban king as an associate for a premier fi rm , l i ke you rs." I had to bite my tongue at ti mes. H owever, th is was the e p itome of one bu l l s h itter b u l l sh i tti ng another b u l lsh itter, a n d usua l ly it worked. The fi rst i nterviews were on cam pus in these l ittle in­ terview rooms. I was able to get through the fi rst roLind of i nterviews u nscathed. I moved on to the second round w ith a l l of the investment ban ks. N ow the fu n began and the pressu re mou nted. The b u l lshit wou l dn't work as wel l i n the second rou nd. I n th is rou nd I needed to look and act sincere, and tel l them what they wanted to hear. I was n e rvous . T h e second a n d th i rd rou n ds of i nterviews were held off camp u s i n hotel rooms. When I entered the room for

MONKEY BUSINESS my i nterview with Bear, Stearns, there were two ban kers sitti ng there faci ng me. To their right was a king-size bed. I n front of them was a chair for the i nterviewee to sit i n . There was a seal ed wi ndow beh ind them that overlooked a cou rtyard, and a bathroom beh ind them off to the right. It was a pretty standard hotel roo m . The ai r-condition i ng. was h u m m i ng and the room was kind of ch i l ly. One of the i nterviewers stood u p and said, " H i , I'm M i ke and I ' m a manag i ng di rector i n the Uti l ities G roup. Th is is m y col­ league Joanne, a vice president i n the Real Estate G roup. Peter, please sit down." I sat down, and Mike conti n ued. "When you worked at Kidder Peabody, did you l i ke it?" A l ayup q uestion to start the interview. No probl e m . Any wel l-trained baboon cou l d answer it. I shou l d have leaned over and given M i ke a big kiss. "Yes, I l i ked my time at Kidder Peabody, " I began confidently, "I l earned a lot and I want to continue i n the i nvestment banking busi­

ness." "We l l , " M i ke said, "why do you want to continue i n the i nvestment banking busi ness ? I s i t the money or the chal lenge?" Ahh, sh it. Th is was one of those questions where no matter what I said I'd be wrong. If I said the money, then I'd look l i ke a greedy l ittle bastard. If I said the cha l lenge, then they'd know that I was fu l l of crap. I was a l ready treadi ng water on the fu l l-of-shit category due to my an­ swer to the fi rst question. They had to know that there was no way anybody cou l d have ever enjoyed being a n analyst. The clock was ticking. The extended pause con­ veyed my indecision. I cou l d see my chances at Bear s l ipping away, and m y

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nervou sness had s u n k down i n to my stomach. I fel t a sharp pang i n m y gut. I s a i d, "May I use you r bathroom, p l ease?" "Certa i n l y."

have th is tabl e put i nto the room becau se no hotel oper­ ator i n their right mind wou ld have put a table of th i s size i nto th is partic u l ar hotel room. The two i nterviewers sat

My stomach was grow l i ng. I was so nervous. This was my fi rst second-ro u n d i nte rview. I walked past M i ke and Joanne i nto the bath room . The q uestion sti l l h ung in the a i r. The pai n in my s ide was excruciati ng. As q u ick as Flash Gordon, I h ad my pants around my an kles. I expe­ rienced a moment of anti c i pation, a flood of rel ief, then complete b l iss. H owever, the breaking wi nds were a l ittle l oud. I knew that it wou l d sti n k u p the whol e room with i n m i nutes a n d that there was no w i ndow to open. I t was not easy keepi n g a straight face when I came out of that bathroom . I wal ked past M i ke and Joanne agai n and sat down i n the i nterviewee c h a i r. I l amely answered their q u estion and said, " Both the chal l enge and the money." Then I p roceeded to fi n i s h a nsweri ng al l of their rema i n­ i n g questions. We a l l p retended not to notice the rotten egg smel l surrou nding u s . I knew that I had no chance to get asked to the n ext rou n d . The worst part of th i s i nterview was that I knew that they knew that I d i d it. It wasn't l i ke when three strangers are in an elevator and o n e farts and no one except the c u l prit knows who farted. Th i s was clear. I went to the bathroom and stu n k u p the j o i nt; However, the next in­ terviewee wou l d p robab l y th i n k that one of the i nter­ · viewers from Bear, Stearns took the crap. That made me fee l good.

on either end and I sat i n the m iddle. I cou l dn't see both of them at the same time so I h ad to keep tu rn ing my head back and forth l i ke I was at a ten nis match. Th i s was a real pain i n the ass, and I knew that they had set the room up that way on pu rpose. I n that interview I screwed it u p when they asked me if I thought I had been a good analyst or an exce l l ent ana­ lyst. I fi rst thought, damn, another one of these catch-22 questions. If I say "excel lent," then I'm a pompous jerk. If I say "good," then they' l l ask me what my shortcom i ngs are. I sheepishly said, " Exce l l ent?" Both of the i nterview­ ers paused and a hush fi l l ed the room . They were looking for the "I was good, a team player, and always looki ng to improve myself" answer. Actua l l y, I knew that they were looking for the "good and team p l ayer" answer. The "ex­ cel lent" answer made me look pompous, and Goldman didn't want that. I felt l i ke a sch muck for screwing u p the question when I knew what they wanted to hear. Wel l , I knew that was the end of my chances at Gold­ man. It was that q u ick. One screw u p and I was out. The i nterview process is a pressure game, and in order to suc­ ceed you have to be a pressu re pl ayer. Goldman wanted "good and i mproving;' and I gave them "excel lent." That was it. I was di nged. At l east I didn't shit i n the i r bath­ room. Maybe I shou l d h ave. I i nterviewed Friday, Satu rday, and then again S unday

My second-ro u n d i ntervi ew w ith Goldman Sachs was

with D LJ . The i nterviews went wel l . The most entertai n­

h e l d i n the same hote l . The G o l dman interviewers sat me

ing i nterview w ith them came on Su nday, when I m et

at a l on g table. They m ust h ave made a special request to

with B l ake Randolph, G reg Wei nstein, and Frank Alario.

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30 MONKEY BUSINESS

JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB B lake Rand o l p h 's n ickname was Face Man. That was because he was tal l , good looking, and a smooth tal ker. B l ake l ooked l i ke a GQ model, and he was always the guy out on the front l i nes pitc h i n g the busi ness. He was damned good at it. G reg Wei n stei n was a j ack-of-al l-trades at DLJ . Wei n­ stein d id n 't th i n k h i s s h it sta n k. Many people i n the fi rm wanted to whack G reg u pside the head. I wou l d soon l earn that h i s n i c kname was the Widow, as in the black widow spider, becau se a b l ack w idow spider ki l l s her lover i mmed iate l y after fucking it. F ra n k A l a r i o was M r. N i ce G uy. We cal led h i m Sweetcheeks. A l l the j u n ior bankers loved Sweetcheeks because he was real ly, tru l y n ice. That made h i m a prized commod ity. H owever, Syveetcheeks had to compete with guys w h ose c h ee ks were n 't as sweet as h i s, and th i s sometimes posed an i nteresti ng d i lemma for h i m . I sat d own a n d B lake said, " H ow about those Knicks?" I knew a lot about the Kn icks and we h it it off. We tal ked about C ha r l es O a k l ey a n d w hether the Kn icks shou l d trade h i m . We tal ked about Ewing and whether it wou ld be h i s last c h ance at a championsh ip. The cOfwer­ sation went o n . An hour went by and we were sti l l tal k­ i n g a bo u t the K n i c ks. F i n a l l y, We i n stei n said, "We've only got five m o re m i n utes. So, do you th i n k that you were a good a n a l yst or an excel lent analyst?" It was the same q uestion that G oldman had asked me. B ut th i s ti me G reg Wei n stei n was aski ng the question. I cou l d a l ready tel l that he was a pompous ass. I was ready. The answer was o bvious. '1 1 was exce l l e nt," I said. For the Widow that was the

I

. right answer. I 'knew that I had a good c hance of getti ng . an offer. On l ate Su nday n ight, I got the cal l from DLJ . " Hey, Pete, it's B l ake Rando l p h . You're the man. You ' re a great guy and we want to tal k to you . Before we d i scuss what we have to ask you, though, do you have any other offers from any other i nvestment banks?" They wanted to know if I had any other offers to corroborate the i r bel ief that I was a su itable candidate to work at their fi rm. If I had no other offers, then I was a dud and they, too, sho u ld th ink of me as a loser and not worthy of work i ng for them. It was a wei rd, i nsec u re game the investment banks played . "Yes, two others," I said. I actua l l y only had one other offer and one pend ing, but I wanted them to th i n k that I was a desirable candidate. They took the bait and the heavy amm u n ition came out. The mati n g dance was stepped up a notch. And now they d i d n't j u st want to mate, they wanted to �ake passionate l ove. "Well, we want you to work for DLJ . You ' l l get paid the best here and you ' l l be treated wel l . Come on, j u m p aboard . You're oui' favorite guy. We can see you real ly ex­ cel l i ng at DLJ . You rem i nd me of Les Newton [a very young and very successfu l banker] . Yes, you could move ahead quickly. We' re also th inking of paying more th is summer. Maybe a stipend or a bonus at the end of the year." More money. That was good, especial l y because I was paying for busi ness school and I needed the cas h . D LJ was an u p-and-coming i nvestment bank known for its ag­ gressive style and above-market compensation . The top brass were young, and I figu red that rapid acceleration through the ranks at D LJ was ach i evable. U n l i ke some of

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33 JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB

MONKEY BUSINESS

the l a rger firms such as Salomon, Lehman, and Merri l l, D LJ was a lean, mean, overpay i ng hotshot machi ne. I thought that I wou l d fit right i n . "OK," I said. I was i n . That w a s it. I t a l l happened s o fast. It sou n ds sort of a nticl i m actic, but it's the truth . I tru ly had no idea what I

worse when it became clear to the interviewers that I had no idea what an investment banker actually did. I was promptly dismissed from their hiring roster. I'd always assumed that I could figure out that piece of the puzzle later on, but they saw it differently. Following that deba­ cle, I concluded that my only shot at redemption would be to play it straight-admit that I was ignorant to the ways of Wall Street but was willing and able to learn quickly. I could tell them that I had the tools but not the instructions. I thought that I might be able to pitch naivete as an advantage, a fresh perspective in ajaded in­ vestment banking world. It worked. At least for a while. I walked into my first-round interview with DLJ and, by a stroke · of good. fortune, happened to be face-to-face with two of the firm's more deviant personalities. The first was Yves DesChamps, whom I'd later come to learn was known within DLJ as the Antibanker. The second was Rod Ferramo, an associate. Now at the time, there was no way I could have known who was facing me, but later it would all become clear. Yves was fifty-five. He was a former disc jockey, and most people within DLJ thought that he had made his way into the investment banking world through a com­ pletely random series of events. I'd later learn that noth­ ing he ever did was random. Yves was thinning out up top but had grown out the hair on the sides and back of his head just long enough to put it into a ponytail. Yves was a flashy dresser. The day I met him, he was wearing an Armani suit and a bright red Sulka tie. He looked like Steven Seagal meets Wall Street and I couldn't tell if he wouldn 't just as soon kick my ass as interview me.

was i n for even though I ' d been an analyst before. With t h i s one- m i nute con versation, I had sealed my fate for a s ummer job as wel l as for permanent employment after b u s i ness schoo l . I h ad made a career choice. I thought that I was on my way to heaven.

Troob knew the game, that was his advantage. I didn't, which meant that the path I took in order to catch the brass ring was a little bit more circuitous. While the usual suspec ts like Troob were getting slotted for interviews with every imaginable bank, the career-changers like me were fightin g for the remaining scraps . We had to be­ come banki ng whore s-sen ding our resum es to ab­ solutely every bank with the hope of landing that elusive summe r associate employment opportunity. As for me, the distribution of over forty resumes and cover letters h ad landed me exactly three interviews: one with a money manag ement firm and two with investm ent banks-First Boston and DLJ. The grand plan of head­ ing back to business school , landing a great summer job, and then moving on to greater glories after graduation had begun to crumble before my eyes. By the time I rolled into my interview with DLJ, the crumb ling of the dream was one step closer to being complete. I'd already punted on my first two interviews. The First Boston interview had taken a turn for the

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34 . JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB

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I'd later learn that Yves was known as a connoisseur of "dance clubs," those establishments whose primary goal is the satisfaction of the ,fundamental male needs, and whose employees' primary goal is the extraction from the patrons of as much money as possible in the shortest feasible amount of time. To most, they may be known as strip joints or titty bars, but to Yves they were always the "dance clubs. " It lent, I suppose, just the right panache for a banker who wanted to take part in their goings-on. I was later told that Yves's infatuation with dance clubs went so far as to entail his having a custom-designe d computer database containing the names, addresses, and qualitative attributes of dance clubs worldwide, all indexed by city. The database allowed him to begin plan­ ning his evenings before ever arriving in, a city, and en­ sured that he would never be far from a nicely siliconed young lady. As I walked into the interview room, Yves and Rod were sitting back with their feet up on the interview table, plowing their way through a large plate of fruit. "Hi, I ' m John Rolfe. Nice to meet you." "Hi, John, I'm Yves DesChamps. This .is Rod Ferramo. I hope you don' t mind if we eat while you're talking." "No, of course not. " "Why don't you tell us a little bit about why you want to go into banking. " "I'm a masochist." Rod started to laugh. ''What do you mean by that? " "I'm a masochist. Not an S&M kind of masochist, although I ' m willing to learn. I mean I like to work hard. I want to work a lot of hours. The way I see it, that's about the quickest way to learn, and that's what I want to d�·

learn this business. I don't know much about it right noW but I think I'd be good at it. I've done a lot of other shit, just never anything like this. I'll be honest with you guys, I'm not gonna waste anybody 's time here by trying to weave a tapestry of bullshit, I'm just going to tell it like it .

" Against the odds, the approach worked. I was sitting at home that night when the phone rang. "Hello, can I speak with John Rolfe?" ''You've got him." "Hi, John, it's Rod Ferramo from DLJ. Good news. You've made it through to the second round of inter­ views. We're going to be holding them over at the Four Seasons tomorrow morning. We've got you slotted in for a nine A. M . session. Good luck." Holy shit. I'd actually cleared the first hurdle. Un-fucking-

IS •

•

•

•

believable. The second-round interviews wouldn't be so easy. For the second round I interviewed with a senior vice president named Jack Gatorski, who I'd soon learn was nicknamed Gator. His sidekick was a vice president, Mack Reeling. Gator sat down and threw the first punch. ''Why don 't you start things out by telling me why you want to go into investment banking." I launched into my speech, the one about being a masochist and being ignorant of what bankers did but wanting to learn. This time, though, it fell on deaf ears. There were no chuckles, no smiles, no conspiratorial nods of understanding. I'd hit my iceberg and was too far from shore for anybody to hear my calls for help. That evening, I sat at home once again holding on to

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only the slimmest sliver of hope. In the face of all evi­ dence to the contrary, I continued to maintain faith th�t by some act of God I'd somehow manage to garner an offer to be a summer associate with DL]. The phone rang. "Hi, john? It's Mack Reeling from DL]. I'm sorry, but we're not going to be able to make you an offer for the summer associate class. You just didn't end up having the support you needed from the people you inter­ viewed with." And so it would be. All was blackness and death. I'd be the only first-year Wharton MBA student who hadn't been able to land a summer job. Years later the legend would have perpetuated itself, they'd remember me as the Loser of the Class. I began to resign myself to my destiny. Little did I know, however, that much more powerful' forces were at work. The forces of sex and desire. Yves DesChamps, the managing director who had conducted my first-round interview the previous day, had an un­ stoppable libido. That libido was busy working overtime in my favor. Flash back twelve hours. Following the previous day's first round of interview­ ing, the entire DLj recruiting team had made their way down to a local Philadelphia brew pub, the Dock Street Brewery, to moderate their boredom through overindul­ gence. Now as it turned out, a close friend and classmate of mine, Veronica, also happened to be spending her Friday evening at the Dock Street Brewery with a couple of our other Wharton compadres. As Veronica was sitting at the bar enjoying a drink, our good friend Yves DesChamps took a seat next to h�r. \\res's appearance

next to Veronica was no coincidence. In the presence of any shapely blonde he became a slave to his carnal de­ sires and was driven by an uncontrollable force to at­ tempt to effect an eventual union of the flesh. One flick of her hair later, Veronica's blond locks had found their way into Yves's tumbler of overpriced scotch, thereby providing an ideal opening for conversation. Soon thereafter, following an opening volley of light banter between the two, it dawned on Veronica that Yves was not only with DLj but was in town for the weekend interviewing at Wharton for summer associate candi­ dates. And it wasn't long after that before Veronica did a further bit of digging to discover that Yves had actually been the one to lead the first-round interview with me. At this point Veronica, well aware of the distinct possibil­ ity that DLj represented my last shot at a summer job in investment banking, began hatching a most devious plan of assistance. Her devices: feminine wiles, an overpaid banker with a weakness for women, and a set of bosoms that horny old dog couldn't keep his eyes off of. It wasn't long before Yves was feeding Veronica drinks, buying her dinner, and pumping quarters into the side of the pool table to keep her occupied. Once she had him fully enraptured, Veronica launched her subtle plan of attack. Veronica blithely turned the conversation toward the events of the day, namely Yves's recruiting activities. This turn of conversation led, most naturally, to further dis­ cussions of her association with me and her intimate knowledge of me as a person. Her breasts hypnotically swaying against the pool table's felt surface, Veronica began to paint a vivid picture for \\res. It was a picture of

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me as God's greatest gift to DLj, the savior of the bank­ ing world. She detailed for \\res how I was the smartest, hardest-working, most capable person she 'd ever met. Moreover, she assured him, I already had numerous job offers on the table, and if DLj wasn't prepared to act . quickly to make me an offer there was a high probability that they'd lose me. That was the clincher. There was no way that DLj could pass up on a potential candidate who was wildly attractive to a bunch of other banks. If the other guys liked me that much I must be good. Really good. Veronica's carefully crafted dialogue, coupled withjust , the right number of touches, caresses, and beguiling glances, was more powerful than the most potent magic spell. Whether \\res truly took to heart all the lies that Veronica had crafted about me, or whether he saw through them but believed that by becoming my propo­ nent he would be given the golden key to Veronica's chastity belt, I'll never know. All that mattered was that . less than twenty-four hours after I'd received the tele­ . phone call fro m Mack Reeling i nforming me that I wasn't going to be given a summer job offer from DLj. he gave me a call back. "Hi, john, it's Mack Reeling from DLJ calling back. Do you have a minute?" "For you, Mack, anything." "I've got some good news. It seems that when word got higher up in the organization that you hadn 't been made a summer offer somebody went to bat for you. They've decided to increase the size of the summer asso­ ciate class by one. That extra spot's for you if you want it. "

I knew immediately that I was going to accept the job, but I also knew that I had to be coy to save face. "Let me think about it. When do you guys need to know whether I want to accept the offer or not?" 'We'd appreciate it if you could let us know within a week. " I was in. In a time frame of under seventy-two hours I'd been interviewed, dinged, resurrected, offered a po­ siti�n, and made a decision based on next to no infor­ mation to accept a job that would dictate the better part of the next three years of my life. The fox was in the henhouse.

41 MONKEY BUSINESS associate class. We were the best of the best, the e l i te of

Sununer Boot Camp

For the right amount of money, you 're willing to eat Alpo. -ReggieJackson

Ou r s u m me r at D LJ began with a wh i m per in

late May. On d ay one of orientation, a week after spring semester classes had e nded at o u r respective busi ness schools, we sat around a n Early American antique oak table i n a con­ ference room deep with i n the confi nes of DLJ's Man hat­ tan c itadel . It was the fi rst time I h ad ever met Rolfe. I remember that Rolfe was sweating a lot. 'He looked pretty nervous. There were n i ne of us a l l told; eight men and one woman-th ree from Harvard, three from Col u mbia,

Wal l Street's financial mavens. And we weren't go i ng to be pussyfooting around that s u m mer, oh no. We were goi ng to be treated l i ke rea l , full-time associ ates. We were goi ng to have to h it the ground ru nn i ng because we were goi ng to do deals. Some other ban ks might spend the enti re sum mer wi n i ng and d i n i ng their su mmer asso­ ciates to sucker them i nto sign i ng on fu l l-time after the summer was over, but not DLJ . By the end of the su mmer we wou l d know, they assu red us, what it was l i ke to be a fu l l-time assoc i ate at D LJ . If we really worked our asses off, and were l ucky enough to get one of the coveted fu 11time offers i n the fal l , we'd be in a position to make an i n­ formed dec i s ion as to whether we wanted to s i gn on fu l l -t i me because we'd know exactly what we had to look forward to. Of cou rse, we a l l u nderstood what was impl i ed but u nspoken-that anybody who eventua l l y �­ ceived an offer for fu l l-ti me employment and d id n't ac­ cept it wou ld be a fool . It wou ld be someth i ng aki n to the parish priest in S ioux City, Iowa, being chosen to become the Pope and turn i ng it down . It j ust d idn't happen. The desire to garner a fu l l-time offer wou ld be the mo­ tivating force beh i nd nearly every aspect of our behavior that summer. There was noth i ng that any of us wanted more than a phone cal l i n the fal l offeri ng us a fu l l-time position at D LJ fol lowi ng graduation. The al l-n ight work

and three from Wharto n . Ou r o r i entatio n w a s b r i ef, l asti ng o n l y about two

sessions, the su bsu m i n g of any semblance of pride, the absol ute devotion to the job-a l l wou ld arise as a res u lt

hours. A cont i n gency of fu l l-time associates, as wel l as a

of that si ngle-m i nded desi re. We a l l knew how the su mmer job was supposed to be

handfu l of more sen ior bankers, came through to greet us. They m ad e s u re that we u nderstood j u st what it meant

played . It was a game of surviva l . There were n i ne s u m ­

to have been selected to be a member of D LJ's summer

mer associates, a n d s i x wou ld probably get offers. We a l l

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k new that we had to work for vocal managing d irectors who wou l d go to bat for us when offer time came arou n d . I f w e cou ld kiss a l ot ohu m p a n d get those managing d i­ rectors o n o u r s ide then we'd be shoe-ins for fu l l -time of­ fers . We' d l oathe o u rse l ves for be i ng s n i ve l i n g l ittl e ass-kiss i n g s u m mer bankers, but i f w e wanted to get the fu l l -time offer, then we had to play the game. So, our su mmer was fu l l of carrying pitch books, run n i ng m odel s, faking s m i l es, l ate n ights, and self-degrad i ng ass k i ss i ng. We were the butt boys and i ndentured servants for a generation of sen ior bankers. We had to bust o u r h u mps a n d avoi d a l l confl ict or rebe l l ion . I f we rebe l l ed, the managing d i rectors wou ld go off and find a more wi l l ­ i ng servant and we'd end u p with n o fu l l -time offer. A l l bets wou l d be off. We'd be fucked.

goi ng to be set aside for the n i ne members of our sum mer

With a n offer for fu l l-ti me employment, on the other h a n d , we cou l d expect peace of m i nd, l everage over other pote n t i a l e m p l oyers , and the option to coast th rough the enti re second year of business school with a g reat, b i g " F U C K YOU " tattooed o n o u r foreheads. The p roblem was that our des i re was no secret, and every banker i n the j o i nt was p repared to ful ly exploit it. The best of them wou l d dangle that golden carrot out in front as they cracked the wh i p beh i nd, exhorting us to push j u st a l ittle harder. The race for fu l l -ti me offers wou l d th row a perverse i n­ ter n a l d y n a m i c i n to the m id st of the summer c l ass as wel l . As members of a s u mmer assoc iate class, we were s u p posed to be there to s u p port each other. We were a l l i n i t together, after al l . B ut at the end of every day, none of us " knew exactl y how many fu l l -ti me offers woul d be made that com i ng fal l . If o n l y six fu l l -time positions were

associate class, then why the hel l wou ld we want to help each other out in a bind ? Some other assoc iate's offer cou ld wel l be the one that we didn 't get. Taken to an extreme there was, i n fact, some level of motivation to sabotage each other's work i n order to fur­ ther o u r i nd iv i d u a l sel f i s h motivations. So as we sat around the table at orientation that morn ing, eyeing each other warily, j u st the s l ightest h i nt of distrust hung i n the air. Al l the critical i nformation was conveyed to us d u r i ng that two-hou r orientation : the accou nt n u mber for the l i mousine service that handled the D LJ accou nt, the pro­ cedu res for expensing ou r n ightly d i n ners to the firm, the ru les govern i ng when we cou ld and cou ldn't fly fi rst class when travel i ng on busi ness. By the end of the orientation the secrets regard ing how to l ive the good l ife at the fi rm's expense had been laid bare. We were on o u r way to be­ com ing real investment bankers.

The Bullp en Fol lowing ou r breakfast meeting we were l ed to our new offices. The sum mer assoc iate offices were in an internal area of the bank known only as the B u l l pen. Every sum­ mer for as long as anybody cou l d remember the B u l l pen had been occupied by the su mmer assoc iate c l ass. Every August, when the summer associate class departed, the i ncoming fu l l -time fi rst-year associate class took u p resi ­ dence there. The second-year associ ates, who had spent the previous year together i n the B u l l pen, were sh uffled

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and scattered i nto other offices a l l over the fi rm. And so it was that the B u l l pen perpetual l y housed the lowest com­

in, most vestiges of the previous tenants' existence had been removed, but with i n weeks each office wou l d look

mon deno m i n ator among the e nti re pool of associates and, ignori ng the analysts, the l owest common denomi­ nator among the entire cadre of DLJ bankers. N atu ra l l y, the g reener the b a n ker the h a rder he worked, which meant that the B u l l pen h u m med around the clock 365 days a year. ' The B u l l pe n was a fortress. L i ke the hold of a s lave s h i p, it was i n the m i ddl e of the bui lding tucked away i n a n area where visitors to the D LJ offices wou ld never see it. It housed eleven offices, five s i ngles and s ix doubles, which surro u n ded a s izabl e common area. The carpeting was dingy, the wal l s fi lthy. Somebody at one poi nt had tried to add a personal touch with the addition of a cou­ ple of plants to the central common area, but these had long ago lost most of the i r leaves and stood there l i ke de­ cayi n g carcasses. W hoever it was shou l d have known better. There were no w i ndows i n the B u l l pen, and the f l u o rescent I ights were i n no way conduc ive to the healthy development of any l iving creatu re, plant or ani­ mal . Each associate, i n h i s o r her w i ndowless office, had a standard-issue steel desk, fi l i ng cabi net, and adj ustable chai r. The desks and fi l i n g cabi n ets looked l i ke they'd been carted off a NATO base. The chai rs were s l ightly more u p-to-date, a necessity given that we'd be spending the m ajority of both o u r waking and sleep ing hou rs i n them over the com ing months. A l l this fu rn iture sat on a worn carpet. The wa l ls were scuffed with n u merous heel marks, and the fl uorescent l ights h u mmed constantly l i ke a set of h igh-voltage electric w i res. B y the time we moved

once again j ust as it always had-a tangled mass of pitch books, financial fi l i ngs, and research reports. No personal effects. No pictu res of loved ones. D LJ was our fam i ly now, and there cou ld be no competing loyalties. The B u l l pen stood in stark contrast to the majority of the D LJ office space. D LJ prided itself on its col lection of , Early American art, h istorical docu ments, and antiques­ a l l of wh ich graced the hal ls, waiting areas, and manag­ i ng d i rectors' offices. N ot the B u l l pen, though . The Bu l l pen was a l l about busi ness, which was befitti ng for a p l ace where m ost of the rea l work got done. The B u l l pen's residents took a perverse pride in their squ alor, and the B u l l pen itself served as a grim dose of real ity for those whose i magi nations had carried them too far down the path of bel ieving that their chosen profession was ac­ tual l y a glamorous one. Wh i l e the B u l l pen's general atmosphere was in large part set by the wretched physical conditions there i n , of equal i m portance i n determin ing the ambience was the general stress l evel of its you ng bankers. The comb i n a­ tion of the demands that were placed on them and the i r eagerness not to fuck u p produced an atmosphere secon d o n l y i n i ntensity to that of a Duke- U NC basketbal l game. At any given moment, staccato expletives cou l d be heard eru pti ng from m u ltiple B u l l pen offices : "fucko," "sh it," "asshole," IIdick," "douchebag." G eneral ly, these were i n respon se to phone ca l l s from D LJ senior bankers who were making u n reasonable and someti mes u n necessary demands on al ready-overtaxed assoc iates. The level of an imosity toward many sen ior ban kers that genera l l y per-

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meated the B u l l pen had caused these sen ior bankers to develop a healthy respect for its real estate, and only the bravest of them ever dared to penetrate its dark recesses. Even those sen ior b a n kers w hose offices w�re i n the B u l l pen's environs tended toward com m u n ications with its pop u l ace o n l y by telephone. Concerns over thei r per­ son a l safety outweighed whatever desi re they may have had to experience the B u l l pen fi rsthand. On o u r fi rst day as s u m me r assoc iates, though, we didn't know any of this. We were eager, we were igno­ rant, and we had stars i n ou r eyes. Moreover, u pon our i n itial entry i nto the B u l i p e n, it's squal id natu re was tem­ porari l y displ aced from our m i n d's eye by the presence of fou r you ng women as su pple as any fou r we'd ever seen assem b l ed at the same p l ace and time. At fi rst bl ush, they al l appeared to be products of a gene pool from the Val ­ ley o f the Dol l s. As o n e of o u r c lassmates, Enrico de la Hernandez Franca-a Peruvian by bi rth-would l ater put it: "Jewels, each of them in the i r own way. It's impe rative

least one member of the su mmer associate class wou l d be encou raged to put the wood to a t least o n e of t h e BAs over the course of the summer. There were eight vol u n­ teers ready to step forward that day, and had the one fe­ male member of our c l ass had any l esbian tendenc ies whatsoever, our voice wou ld have been unanimous. We congregated aro u n d the center of the B u l l pen, maki ng smal l tal k and wondering when we were going to start doi ng dea l s . Never m i nd that most of u s had no idea what doing a deal enta i l ed. We knew that we were there to do deals, that we weren't doi ng them presently, and

that I h ave a taste."

orous workhorses, and parcel i ng out those requests i n some sort of equ itable fash ion to the su m mer class. For the du ration of the summer, their offices wou ld be i n the B u l l pen with o u rs. They'd be there to share in o u r tri­ umphs and com m iserate with ou r defeats . That day, they gave us some sage advice : " Don't worry,

They were our banking assistants, "BAs" for short, and they were there to h e l p and gu ide u s . They answered phones, did g raph ics work, prepared docu ments, made travel arrangements, and did database work. At that mo­ ment, the fou r who were assigned to the B u l l pen knew far more i n aggregate about banking than did our summer associate c l ass. They were eq u a l parts smart, beautifu l,

that we � ad better start doing them because we only had ten weeks to prove ourselves. Two fu l l-time associates, Reid Wexler (or "Wex") and Mark B rown, had been assigned to ru n the su mmer asso­ ciate p rogram. Thei r tasks were to ensure that we al l had good s ummer experiences and to shepherd us through the pol itical maze that was DLJ . They wou l d be responsi­ ble for fielding cal l s from sen ior bankers i n search of vig­

the work wi l l come. Don't ever wish for more, because that nightmare w i l l i nevitably come true. If it's seven P. M .

and tolerant, but as we stood and ogled that day it was thei r beauty that was foremost i n our mi nds.

and you don't have anyth i ng to do, then l eave. Go the fuck home." Of cou rse, none of us wou l d l isten to their

The fou r i ntroduced themselves to us: H eather, H i l lary,

wise words. We'd look a rou nd, see our classmates w ork­

Hope, and Tiffany. A second-year assoc iate wou l d l ater

ing, and convi nce ou rselves that we, too, needed to be there doing someth i ng. None of u s planned on losing out

i nfor m us of a l ong-sta n d i ng D LJ tradition whereby at

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on that fu l l -ti me offer by v i rt u e of not work i n g hard

wait . . . and wait. It wasn't u ntil fou r days l ater, on Thu rs­

enough .

day afternoon, that I 'd fi nal ly get the cal l I'd been waiti ng

For one of u s, a deal wou l d come q u ickly. After several

for. As for Rolfe, he had to wait another enti re week be­

hours of a i m l ess lou nging i n the B u l l pen, Wex's phone rang. T h i rty seconds l ater we heard him shout from h i s of­ fice.

fore the cal l came th rough . That bothered h i m . He began to worry that he was an u ntouchable.

"OK, who wants a deal ?" Wel l , of cou rse, we a l l did but decorum dictated that nobody appear to be too eager. There were a couple of moments of s i l ence. "I said, w h i c h one of you s l i c k bastards wants a dea l ? Perentazz i, y o u o u t there ? You h ave some h igh-yield ex­ perience, don't you ? G et i n here so that I can get you up to speed. I need you to be on a p l ane to Cleveland with in the n ext two h o u rs. You 've got to start drafting for a h igh­ yiel d deal." D rafting? H ig h yield? It all sounded so exciting. Our class m ate Perentazz i, now known as "Sl i ck," was getting on a p l ane on o u r fi rst day on the job, and if he'd been l iste n i n g as c l osely as we had that morn ing during o rien­ tation he was going to know how to fly fi rst class. That was l iv i ng, m a n , rea l l y l ivi ng. We cou ld see it, S l i c k had been staffed on a deal w ith in the fi rst cou p le of hou rs; it cou l d n 't be m uc h longer before the rest of us got staffed. Hel l , by the e n d of the first week we'd al l be doing deals j u st l i ke old-ti mers. We cou ld hardly wait.

Eagerness and Fear Rol fe and I knew that desi re alone, u nfortunately, didn't get anybody staffed on deals. So we had to wait . . . and

I saw Troob and the others all getting staffed those first couple of weeks, and I couldn't figure out why no­ body wanted to work with me. I didn't understand how random the whole staffing process was. For those first two weeks I sat in my office alternately staring at my watch and playing games of Minesweeper on the com­ puter. I was a Minesweeping machine, but I wasn't learn­ ing a thing about banking. With each passing day, as my summer classmates gradually got staffed on deals and I didn't, my paranoia increased. I saw the summer passing before my eyes with nothing to show for it. When I finally got staffed, though, my demeanor would quickly change from concern that I'd never get a chance to prove myself to realization that I was incapable of proving anything. If ignorance was bliss, my beatific aura should have rivaled that of a magic bus full of Moonies. Unfortunately, igno­ rance in this case felt more like sure professional suicide. The call, when it came, was from Wex. "Rolfe, I've got a deal for you. One of the financial sponsors we do work for is contemplating a buyout of a medical supply company. They may want us to provide some high-yield financing for the transaction. We ' re gonna need a model, comps, the whole nine yards. I've got some information in my office here that should get

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you Up to speed. Why don't you corrie grab it and take a look at it. " This was great. A junk bond financing for a hostile takeover, I couldn' t have asked for anything better for my first deal. I made my way into Wex's office, where he gestured to a five-hundred-page stack of documents; the company's public financial filings, financial filings of competitors, research reports on the company, and re­ search reports on the industry. I took it back into my of­ fice and began to plow through it, line by line. I knew nothing about the medical supply industry and had so much to learn . . . or so I thought. Wex hadn't been so kind as to brief me on one of the key precepts for the investment banking associate, "Thou shalt hand over all documents and be exoner­ ated. " Just because I was being given five hundred pages of documents in absolutely no way implied that I was supposed to read five hundred pages' worth of docu­ ments. Wex had merely supplied me with five hundred pages of documents so that nobody would accuse him of not having given me all the relevant material. He was covering his ass and it was up to me to determine what really mattered and what didn't. I'd made my way through about a hundred pages of the stack when Wex called back two hours later. "Rolfe, you done looking through that shit yet? " "No, Wex, I've only gotten through about a quarter of it. " ''You're gonna have to do better than that. We need a leveraged buyout model by late this afternoon. We've got a meeting with Greg Weinstein at six o'clock. They don't

call him the Widow for nothing, man. You better get it together. This guy eats summer associates for breakfast. " I started to panic. Who was this guy they were calling the Widow? I'd built financial spreadsheets before in business school, but I'd spent days, not hours, on them. I thought briefly about buying a van, dropping a tab of acid, and heading out for Santa Cruz. "Wex, I don't know if I can get it done that quick. You've got to re. member that this is my first time trying this. " "All right, Rolfe, look here. You summer guys aren't supposed to work together, especially since you have to get up the learning curve, but in this case I'm gonna make an exception because we've got some time pres­ sure. I'll get Troob. He's an ex-analyst. He'll know how to build a model. In the meantime, you just focus on figur­ ing out some simple transaction multiples ahead of time." Relief flooded over me. I didn ' t have to build the model. I'd been able to forestall inevitable failure. I sat back in my chair and breathed a sigh of relief. Now I could spend the next few hours working out the transac­ tion multiples. Problem was, it slowly dawned on me, I didn't know what a transaction multiple was. Fuck. . There wasn't going to be any easy way out of this one, I' d have to suck i t up and confess my ignorance. I called Wex back. 'Wex, it's Rolfe. There's a little bit of a problem here. I'm not sure that I know what a transaction multiple is. Can you give me some help? " This was it-utter, abject humiliation. "I' m sorry, man, I feel like an idiot." Wex was silent momentarily, then he spoke. "Oh , Christ, what rock did they pull you out from under? I

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don' t have time for this shit. Call Troob and ask him to explain it to you, all right? Don' t forget, we have to meet on this at six tonight so you'd better get it together and figure this out." I called Troob and told him that he needed to explain to me what it was that I needed to do. There was silence on the other end of the phone. This was a new one for him. He was also trying to secure a full-time offer, so why should he save my ass? He came to my office and shook his head. He'd never seen a nincompoop of my magni­ tude. Perhaps, in his mind, I was testing him, or more likely he worried that in some perverse way I could turn my idiocy against him like a weapon. Ignorance, after all, could be the most dangerous weapon of all. Troob knew the investment banking lingo. He tutored me like a third grader with flash cards, imparting his knowledge. I had learned about finance theory in busi­ ness school, but Troob stripped all the crap away and let . me in on the stuff that really mattered. "This is what you need to do. This is how you do it," he instructed. "Don 't be scared of the Widow/ Troob said as he schooled me. "I was told that he's a little asshole with a big attitude, but I interviewed with him and he's not that bad. I'll · b u ild you a good model. You just keep your mouth shut. Everything'll be OK. This deal's never gonna get off the ground, anyway. You can take a quick look-at the numbers and see that." My meeting at six that evening was a big success. I fol­ lowed Troob's advice. I sat quietly and nodded intelli­ gently every time the Widow spoke . I threw in a few random Comments, ones that I hoped wouldn't further betray my lack of investment banking knowledge.

"Ahhh, yes." "Of course." . "How interesting!" "Certainly. " As events would turn, within twenty minutes the deal had died. Troob had been right. The model he'd built and the transaction multiples whose computation I'd had to be instructed upon had both indicated that the investment returns to the financial sponsor were insuffi­ cient to warrant their ongoing consideration of the deal. There was a consolation, though. I'd found a new friend in Troob. He' d saved me from the Widow's fatal clutches, and for that l owed him my life.

Rolfe and I became fast friends when we worked to­ gether on h is fi rst foray i nto the world of I-banki ng. H e owed m e one after that. H e was green, real l y green, but he was smart and he didn't have an attitude. Those were · two b i g positives. I figu red that if I taught h i m a few th ings, he'd be a guy I cou l d rely on . I knew I 'd need that.

The Social Scene: First Night Out The summer at D LJ wasn't al l about hard work and s u b­ servience. DLJ had a plan, and that p l an centered around showi ng us just enough of the good l ife d u r i ng our sum­ mer sojourn to leave us wanti ng more. The i r plan was a m icrocosm of what they wou ld try to do to u s once we' d signed on fu l l-ti me. At that poi nt, they'd pep per us with a parade of h igh-profi le events-black-tie dances, expen-

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sive d i n ners, and private parties at the G reenwich estates of our managing di rectors-i n order to convi nce us that rough u nwaver i n g devotion to ou r jobs we, too, cou l d th . one day hope to l ive t h e good l ife. During the summer, though, the focus was more on showing us what a bunch , of laid-back, easygoi ng guys i nvestment bankers were de­

that such a l a rge gro u p of va i n , predo m i nantly male ban kers wou l dn 't be m i staken for a group of West Vi l lage fai ries but also provided an opportun ity for our summer associate class to in itiate our attempts at sexual conquest of the BA poo l .

spite thei r tight-ass reputations. The s u m mer assoc i ate experience at D LJ centered a ro u n d a c a l endar of soc i a l events : d i n ne rs, booze cru i ses, basebal l games, dance c l ubs, at least one event each week . We we re tra i ned th rough repetition to under­ stand that o u r atten dance at these social events was more than j u st hoped for, it was mandatory. From our fi rst day a s s u m me r- D LJers, we were made to u n derstand that when it came to getting a fu l l-time offer, our attendance at the s u mmer soci a l fu nctions was equal in i mportance to o u r o n -the-job performance. Of cou rse, t h i s advice had predi ctably fal le n by the wayside by ou r th i rd week o n the job, at w h i c h poi nt the majority of the summer

being seated, the l iquor started to flow freely. The l iq uor barrage was a result of the efforts of one Rod Ferramo, the associate who had origi n a l ly i nterviewed Rolfe down at Wharton. Ferramo was an old-school vulgarian, born and bred in G reenwich, Con necticut. He was heralded i ns ide D LJ as a you n g ban ker known for h i s ab i l ity to spend egregious amount of money in the pursuit of carnal plea­ sures. Rumor had it that on a busi ness tri p to Mexi co for DLJ, he'd once spent th ree thousand dol l ars for two local whores to serv ice h i m in his hotel room. G iven that a

U pon o u r arrival a t the restau rant, a n d prior to our

moderately priced south-of-the-border whore was going for l ess than fifty bucks at the ti me, Ferramo's weakness for upper-end pleasu res was evi dent.

c l ass was regu l arly putti ng i n work hours that extended wel l past m i dn ight; O u r fi rst soc i a l event of the sum mer season fel l on T h u rsday of ou r fi rst week at D LJ ana, as it was sti l l the fi rst week , was w e l l atten ded by o u r s u m mer class. Wexler and B rown , the two fu l l-ti me associates ru n n i ng the summer program, h ad deci ded to break us i n easy on

That n i ght, though, it wasn't Ferramo's l ust for flesh that wou l d d ictate o u r dem i se but h i s penchant for dru n kenness. Ferramo i m medi ately began orde r i ng u p rou n ds of shots for everybody, whether they wanted them or n ot. Th i s p resented the c l ass with so meth i ng of a di lem ma. We wanted to be p rofess i o n a l , but enough

o u r fi rst n ight out and h ad p l a n ned di n ner for u s at a local barbecue dive fol lowed by some dancing at a Midtown

bei ng dangerous. There we were with rounds of shots bei ng passed arou nd. It was clear that we were bei ng set

c l u b-Le Bar Bat. I n addition to the summer associates,

up for an eve n i ng of drun ken excess. We had to be team

these n ights out genera l l y i ncl uded as many fu l l-time as­ sociates as our mentors were able to rou nd up a rid, in ad­

players. Ou r .success i n i nvestment ban k i ng wou l d de­ pen d u pon ou r w i l l i ngness to subjugate al l personal goa l s

d i tion, o u r fou r BAs. The BAs' presence not o n l y ensu red

to the greater good.

booze wou l d undou btedly loosen us u p to the point of

57

56

JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB

MONKEY BUSINESS

Ferramo ended everyone's i n itial hesitation with a loud q uestion : "Why the fuck isn't everyone dri nki ng?"

vu l garity. He q u i c k l y pos itioned h i m se l f beh i n d her, wh ipped out his hogan, and as she conti nued her l itany of expurgation he straddled her backside, grabbed her h ips, and began to grind her from beh i nd in a s i m u lation

We a l l took o u r shots of jaegermeister. O u r fi rst di n ner as a g roup was i n true D Lj styl e­ marked by excess. After we'd been seated, the waitress came over to take the appetizer orders. Ferramo took it u pon h i mself to order for a l l of us. "We' l l take th ree of everyth i n g, and keep the dri nks com i ng. I don't want to see a n y body's g l ass em pty." We gorged ou rse lves as wave after wave of food arrived. Before long, not only were we corra l l in g every passing waitress to bring addi­ tional food, but the busboys as wel l . By the ti me w e had departed from the restau rant and pointed o u rselves in the di rection of Le Bar Bat, the ag­ gregate l evel of dru n kenness in ou r merry band had in­ c reased c o n s i de ra b l y. O u r merr i n ess i ncreased as the h o u rs i n Le Bar B at s l i p ped by and we continued o u r rum-fueled b i nge. Then came the debaucherous display of Rod Ferramo. One of the BAs, Hope, h ad been downing shots w ith i ncreasi n g rap i dity over the cou rse of the even i ng. The com b i n ation of the shots, the heat, and the level of the music at Le Bar B at had p u s hed her beyond her l i m its. As she stood at the bar waiti n g for her next dri n k to arrive, an u n co ntro l l a b l e u rge to vom it overcame her. She ducked her head u n derneath the bar, and 'began spewing forth a fragrant m i xtu re of barbecue ch icken and Captai n Morgan s p i ced ru m . Fer ramo, who at the time of the open i n g projecti l e was on the dance floor i mmediately adjacent to the bar, witn essed these i n itial throes of ex­ p u l s i o n and i nterpreted Hope's temporary i ncapacity as an opportun ity to i n itiate an impressive pub l ic display of

that wou ld have made a dog in heat bl ush . As we viewed th is display from across the dance floor we were thoroug h l y befuddl ed. Was th is guy real ly so desperate and so sexually depraved? What the hel l was goi ng on ? Some of the people whom we knew i n invest­ ment ba n k i ng were good g u ys . D i d the pressu re j u st cause some of the others to snap ? We didn't know. Maybe it was the sleepless n ights. Maybe it was the lack of a social l ife. Maybe it was the opportun ity to fi nal ly not be the one getti ng s h it upon but to be the one doi ng th e shitting. Either way, we didn 't real ize that in the not-too-distant future we, too, wou l d be fu l l-time associates doing th i ngs we never thought we wou l d stoop so low to do. It was u ncan ny what a twenty-fou r-hou r, seven-day-a-week nonstop-stress career choice wou ld do to our j u dgment.

The Social Scene II: Dinner with the Chairman Not a l l activities on the summer associates' soci a l calen­ dar l ived u p to the standard set by our i n itial outing at Le Bar Bat. Many of the di nners, basebal l games, and n ights dri n king and dan c i ng were u neventfu l . Others were, however, notable in their own right. O ne of the most a n ­ tici pated eveni ngs out was a su mmer assoc iate di nner a t the Links C l u b with D ick jen rette, o n e o f the fou nders o f

58

59 JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB

MONKEY BUSINESS

our fi rm. Jen rette was a l egend on Wal l Street. He was chai rman of The Eq u itab le, a com pany that was both D LJ 's corporate parent and one of the cou ntry's largest i n­ surance compan ies. Jen rette was famous not only as one. of the fou nders of D Lj but also for h i s instru mental rol e i n hav i ng brought The Equ itable back from the bri n k o f i n ­ solvency i n the early 1 990s. For o u r summer associate class a chance to meet the man was a real honor. B as i ca l l y, the reason for u s to meet Jen rette was sum med up by an older assoc iate. He said, "It's a yearly trad iti o n . The old man sucks it u p for a n ight and presses the flesh with a l l the s u m mer id iots. I th i n k they figure that trotting Jen rette out gets people to sign on fu l l-time when the offers come out i n the fal l ." That eveni ng's d i n ner at the L i nks Cl ub, hosted by dear D ick jenrette, was wel l d o ne. The L i n ks C l u b was an al l­ male i n stitution whose mem bers h i p roster was among the most exc l usive i n New York City. Special perm ission had been sought, and granted, to a l low for the presence of our one female su mmer associate c lassmate, D iane. Even

tioned o n a m u s ica l-ch a i rs basis, w ith most of us at­ tempting to arrange our seati ng positions so as to avoid bei ng too close to Jen rette. Although the man was u n usu­ ally friendly, most of us felt that it m ight be somewhat

then, D iane's permission s l i p on ly gave her access to a l i m ited n u mber of the L i n ks Cl u b's rooms. The d i n ner was preceded by a cocktai l hour d u r i ng which g loved waiters made the rou nds tak i ng dri n k or­ ders and del ivering trays of mushroom caps and raw oys­ ters. Jenrette made his own rou nds to each of us and, i n the most gracious manner possible, l istened i ntently as

formulate mean ingless, i nane questions about the futu re of DLj. O n l y one of ou r classmates d i sti ngu ished himself

we sta mmered out how honored we were to meet h i m a n d how we were so i n cred i b l y thankfu l to have been given the opportun ity to spend our su mmer at DLJ . The d i n ner came and went with n o sign ificant occ u r­ rences. Seating pos ition s at the table had been appor-

awkward to have to carry on a conversation with some­ body whose station in l ife was so far removed from our own that he cou l d n 't possi b l y give a shit about what we had to say. With our busi ness school debts, most of u s were worth about fifty dol lars. Jen rette was worth h u n­ d reds of m i l l ions. We were young. H e was o l d . We j ust had noth i ng i n com mon . The fact that we knew he wou l d feign i nterest i n o u r miserable l ives made the specter of conversation that m uch more unappeal i ng. Afterward, during dessert and coffee, the i nformal con ­ versation that had domi nated the d i n ner was replaced by a q uestion-and-answer session. We'd been warned to ex­ pect this ahead of ti me, and it had been strongly s ug­ gested that we prepare at least one i ntel l igent question each to ask Jenrette. The usual garbage spil led forth from ou r mouths as we d rew u po n our busi ness school ski l l s to I

d u ring this session, Mike Stevens. Stevens was one of the Harvard boys. Although he was attend i ng busi ness school at Harvard, he had spent h is u ndergrad uate days at another Ivy League powerhouse­ Pen n . Stevens was a big man, he'd played footbal l for Penn as an u ndergraduate. Between h i s size and his c l as­ sic bowl haircut, he bore an uncan ny rese m b l ance to L u rch, the butler from The Munsters. Over the cou rse of the s u mmer, most of us had come to the con c l usion that Steve n s was a man ic-depress i ve .

61 ov

JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB When Stevens was on a high nobody cou ld touch h i m . A common fixtu re i n al l the summer assoc iates' offices were foam footba l l s that were gifts from a foam process ing company w hose i n itial public offering DLJ had recently u nderwritte n . Steven s cou ld frequently be seen in any n um ber of offices in the B u l l pen clasping one of the foam footbal l s to h i s abdomen and rol l i ng around on the floor, p roclai m i ng a l l the w h i l e that he was going to i mpart h i s footbal l knowledge to the masses by offering each of o u r B A s free fum b le-recovery lessons there on' the office floor. Prior to retu rn i ng to busi ness school, Stevens had been a n i nvestm e nt b a n k i ng analyst with me at Kidder Peabody. Stevens was one of the most focu sed, moti­ vated, i nte l l igent i nd ivid u a l s I 'd ever met. D u ring ou r ti m e at Kidder, I ' d o nce seen Stevens spend an enti re weekend ba l l i ng u p e nough wastepaper to fi l l a col­ l eague's entire c u b i c l e waist- h igh. The col l eague had been fu riou s u pon retu rn ing to his office the fol lowi ng Monday morn i ng, b ut even h e had to admire Stevens's determ ination. Stevens's focus and determ i nation cou ld just as easily manifest them selves th rough h i s dark side, however. H is tem per was l egendary. Stevens regu larly held wicked bat­ tles over the phone w ith his fiancee, with the decibel level generally rising to a poi nt where it was impossible for any­ body in the B u l l pen to escape exposure to his invective. I n addition, w e th ink that the faci l ities person nel at D LJ had taken to stock i ng an i nventory of spare telephone hand­ sets fol lowing Stevens's arrival for the summer, as Stevens had a habit of regu larly smas h i ng his handset to pieces against h is d esktop after receivi ng phone cal ls from DLJ managing d i rectors w hose requests he didn't appreciate.

ESS MONKEY BUSIN

st . or work far su rpassed that of th e re f ty acI cap Steve ns's orts dur i ng th e 0f h'I s eff ost m g tin ra cent of u s. H e was co n . uran ce ban kin g effo rt, an i.ntns 's DLJ r Whi l e su m m er �n wor.k f0 rab le experti se. ide ons c d ha he e or �o dustry wIth whl �h ha nds ful l with on ur o d ha al ly PIc . was dot n g the rest of us tY en fI e Stev ens glv ny a at cts oje . conc u rre, nt pr e de als a nd 0 ;hree liv gtn g up � ana m y b k or w . yeo ma n s . e sev enty-twO sa m e tIm e . For th the t a es h PltC s h ad m u lti ple . rette, i n fact, Steven Jen ith w r ne dtn i n credho u rs pri or to o u r the sa me tim e, an t a . es h pitc e fiv bee n assem bl 'tng er asso c I a.te. m m su a e on I a y b0d y, l et ere b eI n g ibl e feat for an . ta I ca pabil ities w en m d an I a SI b ack a llSteve n s's ph Y � . had do ne back-tohe as lt, " m the th at pus h ed to . . DLJ had ind icated at s wer o ng gnt nighte rs, but the rel datory event . a s� I t Iy a m an was ner d i n te ret edi n g the Jen sleep for the prec �o It s, en v Ste � So th ere w as h i s b e lt, a fU I I me al u n der . h It W d an s u r o h stl o nque . seventy-two er n d i n rafte our ake d tl y fightin g to stay a:v ere s eated d i r ec w I ;nd �;: Ro . n se to an d- a n swer ses sIo ed him co m e clo h c wat d ha d an me h e'd ac rosS from h'1 m , . ng d i n ner. Each ti ' u n d es tIm al ver noddi n g off se o us, but the e an d stay c. on sci u rg the off t figh . eac h o cbeen abl e to rly t n cre ast ng with lea c was d e ' u I r eq d th effort thi s r , 'th'I n a hai r's bre a WI e m ca s eye , IS h' ter c urren ce At tI m es like a Kore a n figh d oke lo e h t tha of bei ng closed, so , w ,t ne , Wh en a sh ort l u l l i n e nc of rts a cted to . . pil ot afte r. two qu arose Steven s ele on ssI se wer s -an d , awa ke the questIo n-a n ore to keep him se lf m n, ow hIS of ion fire off a qu est . wer. eSl re t0 hear the ans tha n for any reaI d tle bit a b o u t p lea s e tal k a l it ou y c�n e, ett r J/ M r. Jen to foc u s on areas OLJ i nte nds stry d u t n or t duc o , whi ch pr h are as? " as pote ntI al growt rs ea y w fe xt ne e over th

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II

II

i . I , ,

_I.

I,

63

62

JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB

MONKEY BUSINESS

"Certa i n l y, M i ke," Jen rette repl ied, hav i n g a l ready com mitted each of our nam es to memory. As Jen rette l a u n c hed into a d i scou rse on potenti a l areas ripe for expansion in the i nvestment banking world, a struggl e of epic p roportions began to u nfol d d i rectly across the table from us. With each word that came out of Jen rette's m outh, Stevens's eyel ids grew heavier. Several ti mes, h is h ead began to s i n k backward as h i s body's de­ s i re for s l u m ber began taking over, and it was only at the last m i n ute that h i s head wou l d snap back to vertical . Fi­ n a l l y, there was noth ing l eft that Stevens cou ld do. H is head fel l backward, h is mouth fell wide open, and there he lay i n deep s l u m ber w h i l e the chai rman of the board a nswered the q uestion Stevens had . asked just moments before. Fortu nately for Stevens, Jen rette was too good of a man to d raw attention to h is cond ition . Wh i le a more devious sou l m ight h ave c hosen the moment to either humil iate Steven s verbal l y o r, at the very least, pou r a shot of teq u i l a past h i s open l i ps and d i rectly into his gul let, Jen­ rette chose i nstead to wrap up the question q u ickly and move on to the next one. In the investment ban ki ng land of wal l-to-wa l l h ard-asses, the man was a true gentleman.

a deal from begi n n i ng to end, but it was more than e n o u g h t i m e to d o m u l t i p l e pitc h e s fo r potential c l i ents. When it came to these pitches, one managing d i rector took the b l u e ribbo n . H i s name was Wi l l iam DeBenedett i ; h i s fe l l ow manag i ng d i rectors cal l ed h i m B i l ly, but w e knew h i m a s " B u bbles." Bubbles was as much fu n as a bottle of lukewarm cas­ tor o i l . He'd only been at DLJ for two short months and he'd al ready garnered a reputation as one of the most fearsome pitch book generators in D LJ h i story. He'd come to D LJ from Lehman B rothers, r��eivinB_ .? bump frqm sen ior ,v.ice president .to managing j!re_c:�or, i n the process. Legend had it that among the j u n ior ban kers at Leh man he'd been the most revi led man on staff, and upon his departu re the enti re analyst class had th rown a party where the col lective level of joy approached that at C h rist's resu rrection . B u bbles was as short as they came-somewhere between a dwarf and a midget, and co l l ective conjectu re was that h i s tyra n n ical behavior was as much a result of a Napoleon com plex as anyth i ng else. He'd been h i red i nto DLJ's mergers and acq u isitions (M&A) grou p as part of an in itiative to increase the ban k's presence in the advisory busi ness. There's an important tenet of investment ban king: It's not the work you have to do but who you have to do it for. Pitch books aren't always a l l -night affai rs, but work­ ing for Bubb les was v i rtually guaranteed to be a twenty­ fou r-hou r-a-day, seven-day-a-week job. The job included lots of humi l iation, and a wi l l i ngness to take it up t,h e rear Vasel i ne. without - -- ------Bubble's focus was on the u n iverse of fi nanc ial buyers, those groups whose c harge was to use borrowed money

I

i

,I II 'Ii

Kinetic II With the exception, perhaps, of Stevens and SI ick, not many of u s had particularly enviable l ive deal experience over the cou rse of the s u mmer. For the most part, the ' s um me r consisted of a whole ,lot of pitches a nd j ust a few scattered d eals. Ten weeks was barely enough time to see ·

- '- .�

--

._--

65

64

JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB to buy busi nesses from thei r existing own ers, mak e sub­ sequ ent operation al and strate gic chan ges, and then sel l the busi ness es seve ral years l ater at a healt hy prof it. As a grou p, the fina ncia l buyer$ had enjoyed several years of eno rmo us h i stori cal retu rns on their i nvested capi tal and, as a r� su lt, h ad rece i ved a large i nfl ux of mon ey from othe r I nvesto�s l ook ing to join the party. All th is mon ey was out look i ng for new com pani es to buy, and Bu bbles � ad mad e it h i s m i ss i o n to brin g as man y acq u isitio n Idea s to the fina ncia l buye rs as he cou l d chur n out. In conc ept, the idea was a simp le one. In real ity, it . was anothe r matter enti rely. B u bble s's p itch boo ks cou l d conta i n anyw here from . five to twen ty pote ntia l acq u isitio n can d idate s for the lucky recip ient. For each pote ntial cand idate, the pitch book contai n ed a s u m mary of the com pany 's prod uct l i nes, a l i stin g of curr ent news events on the com pany, . deta l � on the com pany's h i stori cal fi nanc ial perfo rman ce, a b u d d � up of the com pany 's cu rrent capi tal structu re, curr ent val uatio n para meters, a l isting of the curr ent own ­ ers h i p profi le, and short b iogra phies on each of the com­ pany 's seni or man agem ent and board of d i recto rs. It was a lot of i nfor mat ion. It fil l ed up a lot of page s. That mad e th � pitch boo ks heavy, w h ich was what Bub bles l i ked . Give n the h igh degree of l i kel i hood that non e of the ma­ teria l wou ld ever be give n mor e than the brie fest con sid­ erat ion by the rec i p i en ts, the com pi l ation of the nece ssa �y com pon ents s hou l d have been a rel ative ly mec h a n ized even t for t h e associ ates and anal ysts i n­ vol ved. The asso ciates a n d anal ysts, thou gh, had been . ed thro ugh train nega tive rei nforcem ent to deve lop an at­ tent ion to deta i l that tu rned the com pilat ion proc ess i nto

MONKEY BUSINESS book for an event of majo r import. Creation of a pitch s al i ke Bub bles was approach ed by anal ysts and asso ciate man uas an activ ity aki n to the i l l u mination of a holy script by med ieva l mon ks. ucti ve As Bubb les beca me aware of the wea lth of prod ool pitch -mak i ng capacity that the sum mer asso ci ate � Cla:es prov ided , he bega n d i rectl y staffi n g summ er asso g on h i s weig hty p itche s . He bypassed the usua l staffm f. As chan nels, prefe rring to corra l the fresh meat h i msel der the weeks passed, moreover, his amb ition s grew gran the and gran der. As h i s amb ition s i ncre ased so, too, did les's num ber of com pani es i nc l uded in each pitch . Bubb pro­ pitch es, i n fact, bega n to expa nd to such gene rous that porti ons that they beca me l ivi ng, bre�thing creat� res D e'were i n capable of bein g tame d by a smgl e assoc iate. of velop ment of the p itche s bega n to req u i re the i n put mu ltiple assoc iates . deThe grand dadd y of al l of B ubbl es's pitch es was co s h ad nam ed Kinetic I I . All of B u bbles's new busi ness hunt i r of code name s beca use i n h i s eyes it heightene d the a be­ mystery and secrecy su rrou ndin g the projects . He and l i eved that everybody was tryi ng to steal h i s ideas , he this drove him to swear all j u n ior bankers with who m rs worked to total secrecy. In Bubb les's mi nd, comp etito were even tryin g to tap i nto h i s cel l u l ar phon e conv ersa­ Any tions to get a leg up on h i s profession al endeavors . from .conv ersat ion with B ubbles that he was cond ucti ng o n ly his cel l u l ar phon e or from an airpl ane took place n ever u nder the strictest of rules . Com pany name s could fre­ be used ; code n ames were used i nstead . Th i s led to d ed quen t conversat ions that, taken out of context, sou n posit ively l udicrous. For i n stanc e:

66

67

JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB " H i, it's B i l l . I 've been th i n k i n g, why don't we look at a scen ario where Big Bear acqu i res Pumpern ickel Doug h's Butter bean d ivisio n ?" "Okay, B i l l, but what shou l d I assum e happe ns with Pu m pern ickel Do�g h's Tinke rbel l divisio n ?" "Assu me it gets rol led up i nto B ig Bear's Claw divi­ sion." ..:' "You got it, B i l L " It was l i ke l isten i ng to Warre n Buffet on acid. Ki n etic I I was, not s u rprisi n gly, the desce ndant of Ki­ netic I, a pitc h that S l ick had i n itial ly spearh eaded with the help of both a fu l l -time assoc iate, Brian Goldfarb, and an analy st, Adam Davis . Both Ki netic I and K i n etic I I were design ed as gener ic pitche s that cou ld be made to any of the b i g financ ial buyer s. L i ke a two-dol lar whore, Kineti c I had made the financ ial buyer rounds on Wal l Street . B u b b l es had p itch ed K i neti c I to the l i kes of Forstm an Little, Oaktr ee, KKR, and Kelso & Co ., al l of whom were s i gn ifican t playe rs i n the leveraged buyou t bus iness. Altho ugh none of them had been tempted by the bait, B u bbles had been embo ldened by his fi rst trip roun d the Street to take anoth er shot at the stars. And so, the beast that wou ld becom e K i n etic I I was born . . K i n etic I I, as conce ived by B ubbles, was cons iderab ly more ambit ious than Ki netic I . Whereas Kineti c I had in­ clude d profi les of just ten com pan ies, this numb er wou ld be doubl ed to an even twenty for Kinetic I I . And with a . dou b l ing of the pitch 's i nhere nt size, additi onal staffi ng resource5 wou l d be neede d to bring the behem oth in on sched u le. Rol fe h ad estab l i shed h i s reputation early on in the summ er as master of the pitche s. The l uck of the draw

MONKEY BUSINESS

had ensured that he got no live deal experience but i n­ stead a wealth of season i ng i n new busi ness i n itiatives. I n a n attempt to tu rn th i s apparent sow's e a r i nto a s i l k pu rse, Rolfe had decided that i f he were to be relegated solely to producing pitches, then he'd bri ng his enti re ar­ senal of capabi I ities to bear on development of the most awesome set of pitch-making abi l ities that any DLJ sum­ mer associate had ever commanded . It was no su rprise, therefore, that he was the one chosen to augment the origj nal Kinetic I pitch team for the genesis of Kinetic I I . With h is add ition, the team stood at five: B ubbles, Gold­ farb, Sl ick, Rolfe, and Adam. When Bu bbles cal led the shots, they a l l j u mped . The problem was that with a fu ll­ ti me associate, two su mmer associ ates, and a sen ior ana­ lyst a l l on the same team there were effective l y fou r jun ior bankers who were a l l fai rly close to each other i n the DLJ hierarchy. This circumstance, coupled with the general loath i ng and d isrespect that they all had i ncu­ bated for Bubbles, led to a dynamic whereby none of them wanted to take ownership of the project and d rive the process toward completion . Goldfarb was busy on a real deal and Adam was as elus ive as a fox, so as l uck wou ld have it, Rolfe and Sl ick became the Ki netic II go-to guys. Ki netic II went through so many rewrites and d rafts that the latest vers ion was rarely ever more than two hours old. As the day approached for the fi rst presentation of the Kinetic I I pitch book to one of the fi nancial buyers, the level of frenzy surrou nd i ng the project i ncreased . Bub­ bles was about to bu rst, cal l i ng down to either Rol fe or Sl ick with demands for changes to the book at least twice an hour. On the day prior to the book's i n itial rol lout,

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69 JOHN ROLFE AND P ETER TROOB

MONKEY BUSINESS

B ubbles had planned to travel to Ch icago to work on an­ other engagem ent. Rolfe and S l ick were looking forward to h is departu re because, although they knew that he was n ever more than a p hone cal l away, they' bel ieved that the logistics of h is cal l i ng to demand more changes to the book wou ld at least s low down the rate of cal ls they had, to that poi nt, been receivi ng. At the very least, they fig­ u red that they woul d be spared the annoyance of his cal ls w h i le he was i n the a i r. What they didn't know was that B ubbles was about to both cement h i s reputati on as a d i c kweed and teac h them the futi l ity of ever bel ieving that they cou l d escape their masters' c l utches, all with one phone cal l . Rol fe was the l ucky rec ipient of Bub­ bles's i n itial affection s.

"Hi, guys, sorry if the connection 's bad. I'm calling from the plane. Look, I've got lots of changes to the book. You two are gonna have to get these processed as quickly as possible. We've got to get these books into pro­ duction. Our meeting's at nine tomorrow morning. " "OK, Bill, go ahead. We 've got a draft of the book here. Why don't you start going through the changes one by one. " "All right. Most of the changes are to section two. I want to change the structure of this section around. Page forty-six should now become the new page forty­ three . . . the old page forty-three should now become the new page forty-one . . . you need to change the head­ ing on the old page forty-one to read ' Strong Operating Leverage Will Contribute to Outstanding Investment Re­ turns, ' then bold it and double underline it and then make that page the new page forty-four. Box page fifty in a bold box and shade the right column that says ' Re­ tl!rns. ' Oh, yeah, back on page thirty-eight, double un­ derline the IRR percentage and make the chart blue and green, not blue and red. Change the chart on page forty to a more neutral color like yellow. You guys should know better than to put a chart in red. Red means losses-c'mon guys, get with the program. And . . . " Bub­ bles continued to rail off changes during a two-minute rapid-fire monologue. I scribbled down the desired changes furiously while Slick reordered pages in a whirlwind of paper. Bubbles finished his directives and the phone went silent mo­ mentarily. "You got all that? " he asked. "Bill, maybe you could run through those one more

Slick and I ha� been going nuts for the entire week trying to get Kinetic II into shape. We were down to the short s trokes. Bubbles had departed New York on a 3 : 3 0 P. M . flight headed for Chicago. I was sitting at my desk fiftee n minute s later, at 3 :45, when the phone rang. Heather, one of our BAs, picked it up. "Rolfe, you've got Bill DeBene detti on the phone. He says it's urgent. " My peace was shattered. I yelled to Slick, "Slick, get in here, Bubbles is on . the phone." Slick came runni�g in from his office. I picked up the phone. "Bill, hi, it's Jdhn . I 've got Perentazzi in here. I ' m gonna put you o n the box. " I flipped the speakerphone on. "OK, Bill, you're on the box. What's up?"

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71 JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB

time to, make sure that we 've got everything right. We don' t want to fuck this up. " "Goddamn it, I don 't have time for this. I'll do i t once more, but you' d" better listen carefully. I 've got other things that I need to be doing. " Bubbles ran through the changes again. I checked his second run-through against my notes and everything was checking out fine. My anxiety moderated slightly. I muted the speakerphone and turned to Slick. "I think we' re OK. Everything he just read back matches what I've got written down here." Slick looked at me blankly. "What the fuck are you talking about, Rolfe? I've been rearranging pages here and nothing that he just said makes any sense. He just re­ ordered everything to look like complete bullshit. He's got us writing text headers on section title pages, and has us pulling out pages that cover all the key financial data. This doesn't make any fucking sense." "Hello, hello, are you guys there?" Bubbles was getting impatient. I took the phone off mute. "Hold on just a second, Bill. We're trying to get everything straight here." I turned back to Slick. ''What do you mean, nothing matches? He just read us off the page numbers, how could nothing match? " "I don '.t'fu�� I1;g.know. " � " "Hello? Are you guys there? I don't have time for this shit. " Bubbles's voice was getting louder. Heather, our BA, and a couple of our summer associate classmates had heard the commotion on the speakerphone and had now stuck their heads through my office door to lis" ten. I took the speakerphone off mute once again. "

MONKEY BUSINESS "Look, Bill, I apologize, but we don't seem to have all the page numbers down just right. Could you read them off one more time. " 'jesus Christ, I don't have time for this shit. I may be working from an older draft version than you, but don't worry about the fucking page numbers. Just listen to what you have to do and then do it. Think, you stupid assholes. " Bill's voice was getting louder. He wasn't a happy man. He began to read through the list of changes again, twice as fast and twice as loud. I muted the phone and looked at Slick. He looked back at me as Bubbles continued t6 read. 'This still isn't making any sense, " Slick said. "Bubbles is working off an old version of the draft. Man, I hate this guy. " Without thinking, I took the speakerphone off mute and interrupted Bubbles for the final time. "Bill, we need to go through this without talking about page numbers. They're confusing us." The phone went silent. Then the eruption occurred. "WHAT? WHAT? I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE GODDAMNED PAGE NUMBERS. READ THE FUCKING HEADERS ON THE PAGE . . . " The level of abuse coming through the speakerphone, and the volume at which it was occurring, was amazing. "WHAT ARE YOU GUYS? FUCKING ASSHOLES? YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE ON THIS FUCKING SHIT? " I put the speakerphone on mute and looked at Slick. As Bubbles's diatribe continued Slick and I started to " laugh. There was Bubbles, 35,000 feet up in the air in an apoplectic rage. He was yelling so loud that not only were the other first-class passengers undoubtedly privy to

73

72 JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB

MONKEY BUSINESS

his thoughts but so was everyone in coach class, includ­ ing those who were locked up in the bathrooms all the way in the back of the plane. We, meanwhile, were on the ground in New York and there was absolutely noth;. ing that we could do, other than lev-his fury run its course. Eventually, after determining that he had debased us sufficiently, Bubbles gave both us and his fellow passen­ gers a break. He hung up the phone and Slick and I got to work trying to untangle the wicked web of changes Bubbles had delivered. Seventeen hours later, I would deliver the books to the offices of D. L. Thompson & Co. for the first public airing of Kinetic II. By this point in the summer, my exposure to the dys­ functionality that defined the investment bankers' world should have been sufficient to allow me to make a rea­ soned decision to pursue other career paths. If it hadn't, the visit to D. L. Thompson & Co. should certainly have driven the point home. The D. L. Thompson partner who greeted us was straight out of a Charles Dickens novel. He had stuffed his generous ass into a tight p air of seersucker trousers. On top, he wore a bright red sweater vest that looked as if it had recently been pulled from the garbage recepta­ cle behind the office tower that was home to D . L. Thompson & Co.'s offices. The D. L. Thompson part­ ner's defining feature, however, was a set of sideburns that were half the width of his entire cheekbone and which ran all the way from his ears down to the corner of his mouth. Stuffed into that mouth was an unlit cigar that had been chewed down to a raggedy, soggy pulp, and which was leaving tobacco shards all over his teeth,

lips, and sideburns. The guy was a freak, a bad Hal­ loween rendition of an innkeeper out of the Canterbury Tales, and we were there to kiss his ass. His name was Chester Goodman III. Bubbles started out the meeting in his customary style with an effusive show of gratitude for having been granted the meeting. He then proceeded to launch into a needless round of name-dropping, during which Chester cut him short. "Billy, what do you have for me today? " "Oh, we've got some good ones today, Chester. If you open your book to page four, the table of contents, you can see what we've got lined up. " Chester opened to page four, scanned the table of contents, then looked up at Bubbles. "Billy, how many times have I told you that I don 't want to look at any baking businesses. You know I hate bakeries. You 've got four baking companies liste d in here. This is a waste of my time. " . "But, Chester, these are really good bakeries. I think that you might want to consider these." "No bakeries. " Poof-just like that, four of the twenty companies in our pitch book had gone up in �I!!Q �e. And Bubbles, the little bastard, had knoWn ah(;d of time that this guy with the sideburns didn't like bakeries. Chester was just be­ gmmng. "Furthermore, Billy, your friends from Bear, Stearns have already been here to show us Colemack Company, Circular Toys, and Fountain Healthcare. And you can forget about Extruded Synthetics and Condor Can, Inc.

75

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JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB

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They're too goddamned expensive. We won't pay a pre­ mium for businesses trading at those kinds of multiples. " We' d been in the meeting for under two minutes, and Chester Goodman III had already eliminated nine out of our twen ty companies without eyer making it past the table of contents. Hours upon hours of work, our beau­ tiful charts, graphs, and plagiarized prose would never see the light of day. "Now this one could be interesting. Finale Indus­ tries-a consolidation play in the death care industry. I tell you what, the demographics · should really drive this one. Gonna be lots of dead people over the next few years. I wouldn 't mind owning a piece of the market that sucks their money up before their corpses get dropped down into the dirt. " Bubbles had been given an opening. One of our ideas had sparked a flicker of interest from Chester. Bubbles seized the opportunity and proceeded to wheedle, ca­ jole, and beg for Chester's continued attention. Chester, however, was like a fat pussycat whose attention was drawn by a passing cockroach. H e batted the cockroach a few times, found temporary amusement in its confused stumblings, and then settled back to continue his slum­ ber. There would be no deal for Bubbles and DLJ that day. There would be no deal for the young summer asso­ ciate. Kinetic II's first foray out of the box had been a resounding failure, It was a harbinger of what was to come. . As I sat in Chester's office that day, I should perhaps have looked at things differently. Instead of looking upon Chester as an aberration in the human gene pool, I should have realized that it was Bubbles and I who were the human detritus. As I watched Bubbles do everything

but chug down Chester's cock with the goal of securing a piece of business, I should have been ashamed. I should have immediately cast off my leather shoes and woolen suit and gone streaking naked from the room in search of redemption. I should have, at the very least, realized that the Chesters of the world were the ones with the purse strings, and the guys with the purse strings were the ones in control. I should have thought about the number of nights that I'd been at the office until 3 A.M. and assessed whether anything was worth that sort of commitment. I didn't do any of that, though. And for that oversight, I would pay.

And so it was that the s u m mer d ragged on for Rolfe and me. Pitches, d eals, d i n ners, n ights on the town, it was one long conti nuous ban k-a-thon . Lots of learni ng, l ittl e sleep, a n d a healthy serving of hu m b l e pie. Eventu a l l y it came to an end. The summer had been pai nfu l , but it was over. We had survived and we were ready to u se the s u m ­ m e r experience as a spri ngboard to bigger a n d better th i ngs. Rolfe and I swore we wou l d never go back. We promised ourselves that we wou ld try to get a n offer from DLJ and then use it to fi nd other, more reward i ng jobs. Once again, we were bel i ev i ng our own bu l l s h it. What we d idn't know was that D LJ was beefi ng up and we were the beef. DLJ needed bod ies, lots of bod ies, a n d they needed them fast. Because of that, j u st about al l the su mmer associates wou ld get offers. In fact, the only per­ son in the summer associate class w ith a serious chance of not receiving the coveted fu l l-ti me offer was Rolfe. It

76 JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB

was n 't because he had n 't worked hard . It was a much more serious offense. Duri ng the Summer Assoc iate Golf O uti ng, Rolfe had managed to h it the managing d irector i n charge of associ ate recruiti n g, Doug Franken, i n the leg on the fifth hole. Rolfe d idn't j ust bean h i m i n the leg, he had done it at Fran ken's own country c lu b and w ith one of the Title i st golf bal ls that F ranken had lent to Rolfe. D u ri ng a n other su m mer, Rolfe's transgress ions m ight have gotten h i m d i nged . Fortu nately for Rolfe, DLJ needed assoc iates.

The Courtship

I don 't believe we 've ever met. I'm Mr. Right. -"Four Tested opening Lines, " advertisement, Playboy, 1 969

The

summer was over and Troob and I felt pretty crappy. We hadn 't exercised that much, we 'd worked long hours, and we were tired. A summer that we had thought was going to be filled with social engagements, weekends in the Hamptons, and dating turned out to be a summer filled with work. However, we were paid well­ about $12,000 for ten weeks of work, the first two weeks of which we did nothing. They told us that if we came back full-time we would be handsomely rewarded. We were told at the end of the summer that if we joined full­ time we'd receive an advance of $18,000 and receive a signing bonus of another $5,000 that would cover our moving expenses at the end of the s/chool year. We went back to our second year of business school, me to Wharton and Troob to Harvard. Within two months the recruitiJ:�g push for full-time employment came. The DLJ bird catchers came hunting for Troob

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78 JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB

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first. He was a pigeon, and I could hear him squawking all the way down at Wharton:

around $5 m i l l ion and an apartment i n N YC for the same amou nt. He said that he played golf a l l the time, and did deals, in between holes, that made him rich. He seemed to be having fu n . He had the l ife, or so I thought. What I did n 't real ize was that I wou l d be enteri ng the bank at a

Over the s u m m e r I had made some good friends l i ke Rolfe, but I was sta n d i ng o n my moral h igh ground and say i ng to myself that I wou l d n 't get l u red in by the mys­ tique of i nvestment bank i n g and wou l d only take a job that I rea l l y l i ked . Wel l , m y moral high ground was about as sturdy as a d ru nk cowboy's shooting hand . I was weak. I cal led Rolfe and asked h im what he was goi ng to do and h e tol d me that he was goi n g to hold out. So I sai d I wou ld hold out a l so . Then i n October some senior D LJ ban kers came u p to B oston to take me out to d i r;lner. Ed Star and Les N ewton came to town. I'd worked with both of these guys d u ri ng the s u m mer. They were u p i n B oston to seal the deal, to close the transaction, to lock me in. I was a project to them, j u st another deal that they n eeded to c lose. I was a steer and these were two cattle ranchers rou n d i n g m e up. They wanted to brand my ass w ith a hot i ron. Loo k i n g back, I had no chance. Star was the head of the Merchal}LB...aok, the most orgasm ic p lace to , work ox'! Wal l Street. I n the Merchant Bank even the j u n io r ban kers were al lowed to participate i n the deals. J u st h a n g i ng out w ith Star got me excited. H e _---�._ --.-

'-

.__

-

0.-

•

level so many ru ngs below where Star resided that our l ives wou ld have about as much resemblance as Ci ndy Crawford has to the bearded lady at Coney Isl and . There were dues to pay, pa i n to experience, and a long jou rney from associate to managi ng d i rector. He may have been my role model, but I was foo l i ng myself to th i n k that it came easy. Les Newton was the golden c h i l d . H e was you n g, suc­ cessfu l, and rapidly moving up the h ierarchy. He had it al l . He had i nvestments in deals, lots of d isposable i n­ come, and what seemed to be a dream job: H e l ooked rested and relaxed . H e'd figu red out one of the i nvest­ ment banker's greatest secrets-how to stay u p a l l night working and sti l l look fresh the next day. He was m ade of ru bber, and he was w hat al l M BAs hoped they cou l d be. He had also probably kissed more ass than a toi l et seat sees i n a year. I also wanted to be l i ke Les. Les was a good guy. Les played his cards right, played the game wel l , and he was rewarded for it.

s.m e l l ed l i ke money. They d i dn't have to corral m e and l ead me to slaughter, I was ready and wi l l ing to wal k i nto

They took me to a stri p bar and we spent tons of dough, and then we went to a !steak p:l ace, ' ate great

the DLJ s l aughterhouse a l l by myself. I was as l u bed as

steaks, and d rank expensive bottles of red wine. We fi n ­

the wom e n at Pee p l and, a n d ready to sign u p . who l ooked l i ke s h e was a dancer or a mod e l . People

ished the evening off with gl asses of port, cheesecake, cigars; and a discuss ion. They rea l l y pou red it on and I was loose as a goose and eating it a l l u p . This was what I

said that he had bought a house in the H a m ptons for

had i magi ned bank i ng was a l l about. Steaks, w i ne, c i -

I wanted to b e l i ke Star. H e was married to a woman

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80 JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB

gars, naked wQmen, and rich guys. L i ke the Tom Hanks movie Bachelor Part� except with guys who were loaded down with dough. " Pete, we want you to j o i n DLJ . You're our favorite candidate. We rea l l y want you, we rea l ly need you . Say yes now and I ' l l make sure you get your sign i ng bonus m oney in a couple of weeks. I think you're the type of person who wou l d excel at DLJ and cou ld move up the l adder q u i c k l y. When you get to DLJ we want you to work for us . You ' re o ur guy." At Harvard the recru iters weren't al lowed to give "ex­ plod i ng" offers. An explod i ng offer was an offer that au­ -to�tica l l'y got resci n ded at a certa i n d at� ii i t ha� i2.�e n .��_cepted . The busi ness schools had outlawed the explod i ng offers because they wanted al l the students to be able to fu l ly assess al l thei r options. This gave the savvy students the abi l ity to shop their offers around. The real ly smart students wou ld i nterview with all the ban ks, a l l of whom came onto campus early i n the recru iting season, and bu i l d a book of banking offers. They wou ld tbe n_ �se� Qff� ba�� �bJ le tJl�YJri eBJO- getThe m uch more dJtE��lt l everaged buyout shop a�d ttedge -f u ri croff� rs' : The i nvestment banking recru iti ng machi ne was not n aive to th i s strategy, though. So the i nvestment ban ks wou l d not give offic i a l offers at al l but wou ld wait u nti l the cand idate gave them the assu rance that he would say yes if offered a job. This was the pinnacle of the mating d ance. The proverbial cat-and-mouse game. On the one hand, the banks wanted to give explod ing offers so that the business school students wou ldn't use the offers to fi n d better jobs. O n the other hand, the school wou ld n't ----

. ..",, -

�

-

----.----

. , MONKEY BUSINESS

perm it explod i ng offers. Wel l , the busi ness schools were no m atch for the i nvestment ban k i n g recru iti n g ma­ chines. Les said, "We're not giving you an offer, but if we d id offer you a job-remember we are saying if--wou l d you accept it with i n three weeks? If you can't accept it by the end of October, then we can't offer you a job." "So," Star chimed in, "we'd l i ke you to cl imb aboard. So w i l l you ? We're not giving you an offer, but if we did you wou ld have to get back to us by the end of October, because if we d idn't have an i nd i cation that you wou ld accept the offer, which we're not official ly maki ng, then we'd have to look for other people and extend them of­ fers instead. So, if you can give u s a strong i ndication that you want to work for D LJ and that you wou ld accept an offer if one was given to you, then we cou ld probabl y ex­ tend you an offer." I ' m sti l l not sure what a "strong i nd i cation" should have been . Should I have j u mped up on the tab le and screamed, "Yes, I want to work at DLJ ' " Maybe if I had run outside and peed the letters "DLY' i n the snow, th is wou l d have given them a strong i nd ication. The game was ridicu lous and I played right i nto it. "You have the right stuff," Star went on . "You're ou r kind of guy. You're the man . You ' l l work i n Merc han t Banki ng, and do deals, and get l evered and make money. We' l l' protect you ." That sayi ng-"We'l l protect you "-is aki n to a n i neteen­ year-old horny high schooler sitti ng in the backseat of his dad's car with his eighteen-year-old d ate and sayi ng, "Trust me." Some body's about to get screwed . I was so high by th is poi nt. These guys had pumped me

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. so fu l l of hot ai r that I was al most floating away. My head m ust have been the s i ze of a p u mpki n . Right then and there I accepted . I h ad promised to tal k to Rolfe before I accepted, but I cou l d n 't wait. I sold my sou l . Wel l , m ay be I rea l l y d id n 't accept anyth i ng because they had never official l y offered me anyth i ng. I went back to my apartment and cal led Rolfe to tel l h i m what I'd

in-arms agai n . At th is poi nt, I cal l ed Rolfe and fou nd out that he'd had the same experience. Th is was our fi rst i n ­ d ication that w e were j ust cogs i n the Big Mach ine. Sta r and N ewton h ad come to Boston and had done what they were contracted by the firm to do. Make me accept a job that they neve r rea l l y offered to me. They had cl osed the tran saction and moved on . Other ban kers closed on the Rolfe transaction . We were two excited and eager suckers.

done, but o n my answeri ng mac h i ne there was Rolfe. " Hey, Troob, the guys brought me. out and I th i n k that th i s ban k i ng th i ng w i l l be a good move so I went ahead and accepted the i r offer." I s poke to Rolfe and we assu red each other that we had made the right dec i s i o n . Explanations l i ke "Th i s is a great steppi ng-ston e and the hours won 't rea l l y be that bad be­ cause we' l l be more sen ior" pervaded our conversation . We had a favorite exp lanati on : "We' l l only work for the good peopl e . They' l l protect u s . " With i n a week, I'd received a l l of the checks that I was now entitled to and h ad also received a bottle of Dom Perignon w i th a note attached : "Welcome to the D LJ fam­ i l y. " I thought that th i s showed c l ass. A couple of weeks l ater they flew me to New York to say hel lo to other bankers and j u st revel i n the bl iss of bei ng part of the D LJ team . They sent me plane tickets and had a car p ick m e u p at the a i rport. I stayed at the Fou r Seasons and was tol d to order as much room service as I wanted. The D LJ H oover m ac h i ne was sucking me i n l i ke a piece of d u st on a carpet. I l i ked the plane flights, the cars, the n ice hote l s, the fee l i ng of being rich, the l ifestyle. I was a j u n ior banker and n o one cou ld stop me. God help me. H owever, from N ovember t h rough J u ne I. d i dn 't hear from Ed Star, les Newton, or any of my so-cal led comrades-

The first contact we had with DLJ after officially ac­ cepting our non-official offers came in June when an ad­ ministrative assistant called to tell us that we had to take a drug test before starting work. Well, this scuttled a whole load of fun pl';lns we'd had for the summer, but we were willing to do whatever it took to be able to be part of the elite DLJ club. With the start of our new careers edging ever closer, we were beginning to feel good about our choice. We had a conversation in July and talked about doing IPOs and doing deals in the Merchant Bank. We talked about the big money and the time we' d have to spend it. We discussed our grand plans of taking the New York social scene by storm. The parties, the big life. We talked about being hotshot investment bankers at the hottest firm on Wall Street. We were stroking each other and it felt good. We thought we were entering nirvana, and that we �ould soar like eagles over the heads of the common folk. Actually, we weren't eagles. We were pigeons, follow­ ing a trail of bread crumbs.

85 MONKEY BUSINESS years. We fou nd out that a l l members of the associate

Training Wheels

Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig. -Paul Dickson

B oth

Rolfe and I gradu ated from B-school i n May. D LJ trai n i ng d id n't start u nti l m i d-August, so we h ad over two m onths of pu re, u n ad u lterated freedom on o u r hands. We were both thoro u g h l y rel axed by the time D LJ tra i n i ng began . We entered trai n i ng bright-eyed and bushy-ta i l ed, and bel ievi ng that tra i n i ng was the fi rst step on the road to the pot of gol d at the end of the rainbow. Investment ban k i ng tra i n i ng can be summed up pretty s ucci nct l y. It's a h uge waste of time and money but a necessary step for the i nvestment ban king m ach i ne to

class had been told that they were goi ng to be the next "gol den chi lcl" and that they were goi ng to work i n the Merchant Bank and make al l the dough . They, too, were told not to worry and that they wou l d be "protected ." We started to rea l ize that we had a l l been d u ped . However, the hu man brain has a pec u l iar way of ratio­ nal izing everyth ing and fi lteri ng out the u n pleasant rea l i ­ ties that i t knows to b e true. Each of u s sat there and sa id to ou rselves, "Al l these other assoc iates were tol d this nonsense to cajole them i nto taking the job, but what they told me was the truth ." Somehow this warped ratio­ nale made everybody feel a whole lot better. My father taught me many years ago not to bel ieve my own bul lsh it. Wel l, we didn't heed this sage advice, and we were so deep in our own garbage that we were suffo­ cat i n g u n d erneath its we ight. Al l of us, as associ ates, made ou rselves bel ieve that we were d ifferent and spe­ cial . We wou ld soon learn the real truth . But u nti l then , we felt great about ou rselves and our choice of careers. At the end of the fi rst day of tra i n i ng, the i nvestment ban king mac h i ne handed out corporate l i mou s i ne a c­ cou nt cards, beepers, and cel l u lar phones. It made us fee l l i ke i nvestment ban kers sho u l d feel . L i ke superstars. We imagi ned ou rselves taking a corporate car to the ai rport

. teach you you r rol e as a n associate and l u re you i nto a h igh standard of l ivi ng. O nce you 've started l iving w ith

wh i le negotiating a big deal on our cel l u lar phone. Then , ' w e i magi ned goi ng o u t to a restau rant with o u r cl ients

l i mousi nes and expense accou nts, it's hard to go back. O n the fi rst d ay of tra i n i n g we d id noth i ng. We said . h e l l o to o u r fel low associates and fou nd out that they, too, had been w i ned and d i ned and told that they were

and throwing down the plati n u m cred it card to cover the thou sand-dol lar b i l l that i n c l u ded a fou r-pound l obster,

the best cand idates that the i nvestment bank had seen i n

by the firm.

porterhouse steak, and two bottles of Chatea u Lafite Rothsch i ld red wine, a l l of which wou ld be re i m bu rsed

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86 JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB

MONKEY BUSINESS

We were ready for anyth i ng because we were the su­ perban kers, able to force huge mergers to happen in a m atter of m i n u tes and b r i ng i n monstro u s fees to the b a n k . We were a b l e to have our party house in the Hampton s and o u r mem berships at Maidstone, National, and S h i n necock . We were able to crap l ightn ing and shit th u nder. Tra i n i ng l asted appro x i mately . th ree weeks. We met every day, i nc l u d i ng weekends, i n a conference room from 8 A . M . to 6 P. M . A potpou rri of officers of the firm were p araded before u s, and each explai ned a d ifferent product or serv ice the bank offered .

about the who l e i n vestment ban k i ng s h i n d i g as we

Bas i ca l ly, tra i n ing tau g ht us our role i n the process and how we cou l d get the p rocess done as q u ickly as possi­ ble. We l earned that com panies fol l owed our advice for a fee and that was good . We learned that "a busy associate i s a good asso c i ate. " We weren't being tra i ned to be th i n kers. I n tra i n i ng we learned what we were going to be d o i n g for at l east the n ext fou r years of o u r l ives-pro­ cess i n g l ots of j u n k for fees and making th i ngs look p retty so that t8e F id e l jtys, Putnams, and. "l!flsu_�_p-e1=lingjndiYkt� u a l i nvestors ofJhe vyorld wou ld buy them w ithout aski ng too m a n y d iffi c u lt q uestions. Wh i le some eve n i ngs d u ring tra i n i ng were designated as soc i a l n ights o ut, other eveni ngs were reserved for pro­ j ects to be d o n e the fo l l owi ng day. E ither way, every eve n i ng was accou nted for. We needed to l earn what we wou l d be doing, for w hom we wou ld do it, and how to get it done. A second-year associ ate came to cl ass at the end of the fi rst week of tra i n i ng and ' explai ned to us what rol e we were bei ng paid to play. He d id n't seem q u ite as exci ted

thought he shou ld have been. He said . . . "As assoc iates, the standard stuff you' l l do i s to hel p managing d i rectors get busi ness. The managing d i rectors sit i n thei r offices and th i n k of ways to make money for the firm, and to make money for themselves. This sets the bal l in motion . We create pitch books for the managing d i rectors so that they have someth i ng to give to the po­ tential cl ients. The managing d i rector wants the potential cI ient to k now that we worked very hard and spent lots of hours preparing for the meeting. Th i s shows the company that we're serious about the busi ness and w i l l give the company our fu l l attention . "You' l l have to do some va l uation analysis so that you can prove that DLJ wi l l be able to obtai n the most money for the company being pitched . You ' re going to spend a lot of time wh i le you ' re putti ng the p itch together work­ i ng with the word-processi ng department and the copy center. _

_

"After you stay u p al l n ight doi ng the pitch you make fl ight arrangements for you and you r team, and then you go to the pitch and carry the books. If you have an a n a­ lyst, then you have him carry the books. This is the ad­ vantage of being an associ ate. "If yo u go to the pitc h , and if you are a b l e to stay awake, then you can watch how a manag i n g d i rector grovels for busi ness. If you get the deal, then you a n d you r team have lots of work to d o . You may a s wel l can­ cel al l of you r plans for the next six weeks because you' re i n for some long n ights and hectic days. "Al l in a l l , it's hard work. B ut, you know, you get p a i d

88

89 JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB

MONKEY BUSINESS

pretty, wel l to do it and you' re l earn i ng important banking stuff. That's rea l l y it.

bunch of twenty-six-year-old self- i m portant busi ness school grads weari ng ou r best su its and ties and being told that we wou ld be the next big shots on Wal l Street.

"More i mportant, ton ight the fi rm is letti ng al l of you l ive the h igh l ife on the D LJ n i ckel . Don't waste ti me d i l l yd a l lyi ng aro u nd here. Accord ing to my watch it's five P. M . and if I were you I'd start w hoopi ng it up. I'd love to j o i n you , but I ' ve got l oads of work to do. H ave fu n, be­ cause once tra i n i ng's over you guys won't see the l ight of day aga i n . " Rolfe tu rned to me with his b row fu rrowed . " H e seems a bit b i tter. Maybe he h ad a tou gh n ight. Maybe he's not working for the right people. H e probably l i kes h i s job and is p retty happy, right?" Rolfe was looki ng for assur­ ance that we had m ad e the right choice, but I wasn't able to give it to h i m . I n stead of fu rther exploring th is revelation, we ignored it and j u m ped i nto one of the b l ack chauffeured cars that were waiti n g for us i n front of the offices, comp l i ments of the firm, and went out for an evening of festivities-a l l pai d for by D LJ . The i nvestment banki ng m ach i n e was begi n n i ng to suck u s i n w ith the l avish l ifestyle that it would a l l ow us to l ive. Des i g n ated eve n i ngs out d u ri ng our weeks of tra i n i ng were fi l led w ith basebal l games, din ners at the Pal m and Sparks, a n d n ights out at dance clubs and, fi nal ly, strip bars. Most of it was paid for by our beloved fi rm . We were l iv i n g l a rge. The d ays were fi l led with lots of cat­ naps and free l u nches. The fi rm was keeping us i n an ine­ briated state so that we wou l d n 't real ize what the hel l we were getti n g o u rselves i nto. If we had, we m ight h ave left i mm ed i atel y. B ut we were l ov i ng every m i nute of it. A

Th is was where Rolfe and I rekindled our friendsh i p, sit­ ti ng at the Crane C l u b d r i n king Jack Dan iel's on the rocks and d iscussing how we were going to be managing di­ rectors i n five short years. We felt BIG. We fol lowed u p o u r Crane Cl u b fu n with a visit to what wou ld become one of our favorite hangouts, Shenanigans-a second­ rate strip club right arou nd the corner from D LJ's offices. As the n ight wore on, the drinks a l l began ru n n i ng i nto one another. We had no idea how much we-i .e., the fi rm-owed on our bar b i l l . As the bi l l racked u p, though, someth i ng extraord i nary began to happen. The alcohol actua l l y cleared our bra i n s of all the cl utter and set our thoughts straight. "H ey, Rolfe," I shouted over the boom ing Shenan igans dance music. "You know, you were right, that second­ year associate was pretty bitter. Do you th i n k he hates , what he's doing?" "Yeah, maybe. Maybe h i s l ife rea l l y sucks. Maybe he was told that he wou l d work for the good people, but then when he final ly got to D LJ thi ngs changed ." "Sh it. That wou ldn't be so good . He d id look pretty tired, not to mention angry and about forty years o l d , d idn't he?" "He sure d id, Troobie. H e sure d i d . Man, that's fucked . up. Do you th i n k that' l l happen to us?" It was l i ke we were final ly sober for the fi rst time si nce we'd set foot i nside DLJ as su mmer associates over a year before. The alcohol had sent a bolt of l ightn i ng th rough the gray matter, and we were real i z i ng that we weren't

90 JOHN ROLFE AN D PETER TROOB goi n g to be treated l i ke gold, and that we were going to have to pay some m i ghty pai nfu l dues; Dues that most of the senior guys h ad paid but that nonetheless were ago­ n i z i ng. If they had to do it, then so wou ld we. Those were the rules. Maybe it was d ue to our d ru n ken stupor, but it s u re felt l i ke we had been sold a bi 1 1 of goods. We began . to real ize that we were i n for a long, pai nfu l experience. Then one of o u r favorite dancers, Angel, fi n i shed up on the m a i n stage a n d h eaded o u r way to res u me tab l e dancing for u s . "What? I can't hear you, man. The music's too loud. I 've got the next rou nd . You want another scotch and water?" "Yeah, m ake it a dou ble." The n ight went b lack. The next day Rolfe and I conve­ n iently forgot the revelations we had come to the previ­ ous n i ght. We were back i n tra i n ing class goi ng for the gusto, and taking our pl ace at the back of the q ueue.

T h e Food C h ain

The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of his ass. -GeneralJoseph Stilwell

"Within an investment bank there is a strict hierarchy.

It's a pyramid, with each level of the pyramid resting on the shoulders of the level below. The further down you travel into the pyramid, the more primitive the species of banker becomes. Remember who built the great pyra­ mids of Egypt? That's right, it was a bunch of sunburned slaves in loincloths. The senior managing directors are at the pinnacle of the investment banking pyramid. They're the guys on the front line . They source business. They scour the world looking for ways to make fees for the investment bank. They approach companies in order to sell them on doing an IPO or raising money through a bond under­ writing. They ask companies to buy other companies or to sell themselves. Every managing director's prime con­ cern is to attract clients and bring fees into the bank. That's why they're paid the big bucks. Imagine a hand-

92

93 JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB

some gen tleman in a twen ty-five-hundred-dollar suit. He's neatly shaven , nicely manicured, and his shoes cost more than most people's living room furniture. That's the managing director. The senior vice presidents are the next level down in the pyramid. At some banks they're calledjunior manag­ ing directors, but their role is the same. They attempt to bring in some business in order to justify their high-paid existence, but much of the time they simply process the deals. They inherit the business from the managing di­ rectors and with their team they process the hell out of it. They make sure that whatever deal was promised to the company is done quickly. Sometimes they even make sure it's done correctly. All the t's are crossed and all the i's are dotted. They are so close to the brass ring that they can taste it. Imagine a used-car salesman wearing a polyester leisure suit. Maybe he hasn't shaved for a cou­ ple of days and he's starting to smell a little gamey. That's the senior vice president. Next come the vice presidents. The vice presidents are a crew of processing robots, few with any life outside the office. The vice presidents are making roughly half a mil­ lion bucks a year, but they don't have any time to spend it. When and if they do get out of the office, they sleep. This turns them into a hapless bunch of angry young men and women who can't understand why they're so frustrated. They want to have relationships and become functioning members of the human race, like their friends outside of the investment banking realm, but -----niey aon't have tne time. lisu-atly, the only dates th-ey-c- an­ get are with the gold diggers who want to get their claws into a piece of that healthy paycheck. The nice boys and

MONKEY BUSINESS girls in the city, the ones that the vice presidents wish they were dating, are busy screwing the unemployed artists and musicians who have no money but plenty of time. The vice presidents are making too much money to change careers because no other organization, with the exception of another investment bank, will hire a vice president and pay him half a million dollars a year to process deals. The vice presidents don't really take any financial risks. If they're willing to shamelessly kiss every upper-level ass they see and run around all night churn­ ing documents, they know that they'll continue to get a fat paycheck. The problem is that the vice presidents are making all this money, but they're not content. They're a miserable crew because they're trapped. Like caged an­ imals. Imagine a prisoner of war kept shackled in a moldy basement for five years with no light, nothing but shoe leather to eat, absolutely no bathing privileges, and occasional doses of electroshock therapy. That's the vice president. At the next level in the pyramid are the associates. Lots of them. The associates' lives suck. The vice presidents take out their aggressions on the associates all day and all night. It doesn't end until the associate either becomes a vice president, leaves, or commits suicide. The associate kisses the vice president's ass because the vice president helps determine the associate 's bonus. Here 's how i t works: the managing director says 'jump" and the senior vice president says "How high? " The senior vice presi-aent then perpetuates the pamc attacK oy sending a voice mail that conveys a false sense of urgency to the vice president. He basically kicks the dog. The vice pres-

95

94 JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB ident looks at the associate, takes a hot poker, and shoves it up the dog's ass. The associates are barely human but at times are brought to client meetings and are expected to act human. The associates are the ero-Magnon men. They live in caves, have trouble walking upright, and have a lot of hair on their backs. Usually, they communi­ cate by grunting. Those are the associates. Finally, there are the analysts. Monkeys. Tons and tons of little monkeys. Not humans, just monkeys crawling all over each other and pulling lice out of each other's fur. Those are the analysts. . With all these different . kinds of investment bankers , the investment banking department appears to be a huge place. It is. Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley, and Merrill Lynch each have their own investment banking army with thousands of soldiers. Then there's Lehman Brothers; Bear, Stearns; and First Boston. The list goes on and on. In reality, though, the investment bankers are j ust one small part of the broader investment house. They're just one little cog in a much grander machine. Within each investment house there are capital mar. kets desks, an institutional sales force, a trading ope;a-, tion, a research department, and a retail brokerage_;u.�. Each department has a function, and they all work to­ gether. First, the bankers go out calling on companies, looking for the ones that need to raise some money. Once they find one, the bankers call up the capital mar­ kets desks and tell them to get the wheels rolling. The bankers tell the capital markets guys, "Look, man, we gotta raise some dough.- What's it gonna take?" The cap­ ital markets desk tells the bankers, ''We can raise your money. Here's the terms our buyers are gonna want. "

MONKEY BUSINESS Mter that, the capital markets desk calls the institutional sales force and tells them to round up some customers. The institutional sales force then begins calling the mu­ tual funds, the hedge funds, the pension funds, and the university endowm ents-any and all institutions th at control money that needs to be invested. These cus­ tomers give the investme nt house some money to buy the new securities, the investment bank keeps a piece as their cut, then they pass the rest on to the company. A few weeks later the research departme nt writes a report on the company that extols the virtues of the newly is­ sued stocks or bonds. Eventually, the retail brokerage arm gets into the picture, calling on the retail investors with their latest and greatest investme nt idea-th ose same newly issued stocks and bonds. It's a profitable op­ eration. There are many other types of financial institutions in the Wall Street universe as well: clearinghouses, hedge funds, mutual funds, commercial lenders, and commodi­ ties trading operations. The investment houses are just a small part of the greater Wall Street universe. The associ­ ate is smaller than a piece of dust on a wart on the ass of a large male African elephant. The inside of the cheek of the ass, not the outside.

97 MONKEY BUSINESS

[

The Bus in e ss

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The brain is a wonderful org an. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop un til you get into the offi ce.

-& bert Frost

S o, h �w do es a ba nker justify h i s or he

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r co mp en sat ion ? W he n It co mes do wn to it, ba nke rs rea l l y on ly provid e . two servic es for co mpan ies : th� pro vid e ad vi ce on mat­ ter s of c o r o rate fi na nc e an d they ra i se mo ne y."": Th e ba nke r st n d s at the vo rtex of the ca pit a ows, SIp on � ing off � po rtio n of the sw i rl i ng fun ds. Fo r provid i ng the se serVic es, the av era ge up pe r-le ve l investment ba nker ca n ex pe ct to ea rn ab ou t $ 75 0,0 00 in an average ye ar. Is the av erage ba n ke r wo rth five tim es the average ex ec uti ve in � os t oth e r i n du str ies ? Do es the average ba nk er ad d fiv e ti m es as m u c h econ om ic va lue to the greater good of the c ? m mo n ho le? G i ve n tha t invest me nt ba nkers carry � a d isp rop ort ion ate sh are of c ivi l izatio n's u nju stif ied att itu de a � d h ub ris, the wo rld wo u ld argua bly be a better pla ce w l � h few er ba n ke rs an d mo re gu ys sel l i n g soft-serv e tw isty co ne s do wn on the co rne r. Sh it, take away som e of

the investment ban kers, the terrorists, and the tax author­ ities and you're com i ng darn close to Shangri-la. The i nvestment bankers, of course, would d i sagree : "We make the capital markets more efficient! " "We bring together buyers and sel lers!" "We hel p max i m ize busi ness val ue ! " Is i t true? D o the bankers real ly d o anyth i ng but suck the fat out of an overi ndu l gent capitalist economic sys­ tem ? Yeah . The- capital markets aren't perfect. Those � o need money,-ancr those who have the money, can't31ways identify each other. The buyers of busi nesses don't always know the sel lers . I ndependent th i rd parties are so�eti mes needed to confi rm busi ness val ue. What many of thebankers don't grasp, though, i s the tenuous nature of the val ue of the services they provide. As the number of avai lable i nformation sou rces conti n ues to pro l iferate, and access to that i nformation becomes less proprietary, the ban kers' abi l ity to extract excess fees from that i nfor­ mation w i l l i nevitably d i ss i pate. It may h appen slowly, but the bankers' val ue w i l l d i m i n ish and melt away as surely as the Wicked Witch of the West i n a South F l orida rai n shower.

AdViSOry Work H i storical ly, the i nvestment banker's job was to adv i se companies on thei r fi nancial alternatives. The investment banker was a confidant to the company's h i ghest execu­ tives , and the relationsh i p between a CEO and h i s banker . spanned an enti re career. The banker provided analYSIS and advice on possible merger and acqu isition cand idates,

99

98

JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB

MONKEY BUSINESS

guida nce on capita l struct ure issues , and even occas ional coun sel on m atters of busin ess strategy. The banke r was a lso the i ntrod uction perso n, the one with the rel ation­

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sh ips. If the CEO wante d to i n itiate merger tal k with a comp etitor 's CEO, or wanted to sel l a d ivision of his com­ pany, the ban ker was the go-to guy. The banke r usua lly knew some body a t the other comp any, o r knew somebody who knew some body, who cou ld get the CEO through the door and into the other C EO's office. The two CEOs wou ld i nitiate tal ks, they m ight get a framework for a deal ham­ m ered out, a n d then the banke r wou l d tel l the c l ient wheth er the deal m ade sense from a financ ial perspective. , A l l i n a l l , it was exc iti n g work. Bankers d idn't have to spend a whole l ot of time chasin g new b�si ness and cou l d go to s l eep every n ight know ing that they'd added some val u e for thei r c l i ents. Moreover, the work was steady . In both good times a n d b a d , there was corpo rate fi nance work to be done. If the econo my was boom i ng and busi­ nesse s were b u i l d i ng u p cash reserves, the mergers and ac­ q u isition s s ide of the b u s i ness wou l d l i kely be goi ng gangb usters . When th ings got tight, the restructurin g and strateg ic adviso ry p ie�e of the busine ss wou ld comp ensate . B a n kers sti l l perfo rm a d visory work. They sti l l make reco m mend ations to com pan ies on possib le merge r and acq u i sition can d id ates . They sti l l propose l evered recap i­ tal izatio ns, stock b u yback s, and other restru cturi ngs of a comp any's cap ita l struct u re. They sti l l write reports advis ­ i ng a comp any's s h a re h o l de rs as to wheth er an offer that h as been made to p u rchase the comp any shoul d be con­ s idered "fa ir" from a fi n a n c i a l stand poi nt. There are sti ll a few s ma l l , h igh l y focu sed i n vestm ent banks that conti nue to provi de good strate gic b u s i ness advic e.

ness I n gene ral , thoug h, the advisory side of the busi no ker has beco me m uch more comm od itized . The ban infor­ longe r has the lock on rel ation sh ips. The ban ker's on matio n is no l onge r h ighly propr ietary. I nform ation l ittle com pan ies is now so widespread that there's very ly cal l comp any-s pecif ic know ledge that banke rs can tru u n ique thei r own . The banke r no longe r bri ngs enou gh s added val u e to the tabl e to neces sari l y merit a CEO' advic e grant ing h i m a l ifelon g JI1and ate to provi de pa id on matte rs of corporate financ e. busi­ Th is sh ift in the natu re of the banke rs' adviso ry l ness is i l l u strated by what, today, is a much more typica usive advisory assign ment-an exc l usive sal e . In an excl up sal e a comp any that wants to sel l its busi ness cal l s big every invest ment banke r that it know s. Usua l ly, a l l the ­ ban ks with the wel l-know n name s make the l i st. Some wel l . ti mes a cou ple of sma l l er ban ks wi l l be on there as sal . The comp any asks each of them to make a fee propo nt Some banks m ight offer to arran ge the sale for 1 . 5 perce .25 of total sale proceeds, others m ight offer to sel l it for 1 percent of total sal e proceeds . Some banks m ight struc sl id­ ' tu re a more i n novative fee struct ure that i ncl udes a any i ng fee scal e , i ncre menta l i n centive paym ents, or nce i s n u m ber of other varia tions. U l ti mate l y, thoug h, nti a l there's no longer any mean i ngfu l i nform ation d iffere reta i n betw een t h e d iffere nt banks , t h e comp any w i l l t which ever bank agree s to make the sale for the l owes fee . It's a Kmart blue- l i ght spec ial i n aisle five. toOnce retai ned , the bank cond ucting the sale puts , ng gethe r an i nform ation book let on the com pany bei n­ i sold and m a i l s it out to a l l the poten tia l buyer s . The It's forma tion bookl et descr ibes the comp any's busin ess.

1 00

101 JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB

MONKEY BUSINESS

fu l l of lots of col o rfu l graphs and fancy fonts. That's the extent of the ban ker's val u e-added-making the infor­

money. They have to go to the capital markets. I n the most basic terms, a company that wants to raise money has only two choices; it can e ither borrow the money or

m ation boo k l et l oo k p retty. The potential buyers a l l get to s u b m it b i ds on the company, and whoever puts i n the h ighest b i d w a l ks away with the prize. J ust l i ke sel l i ng an o l d Dodge Dart, or a hou se, or a used ,d i aper pai l at a yard sale. As the bankers' com petitive i nformatio n advantage has w a n ed , the ban kers h ave grad u a l l y been forced to change thei r approach . They can no longer rely on a rel­ ativel y sma l l n u m be r of loyal c l i ents to generate advisory b u s i ness for them year i n and year out. They now have to spend a m uc h l arger portion of thei r time scrambl i ng to find new c l i ents a n d new b u s i ness. To j ustify their exi s­ ten ce, they now h ave to go o u t and p itc h ideas to whomev er w i l l give them an audience in the hope that j ust a few of the potential c l ients w i l l sign on for the pro­ gra m . And when those cl ients s ign on, the bankers have got to ass u m e that the next t i m e there's advisory busi ness ' to be had w i th that company, it m ight not necessari ly be them prov i d i ng the advice. I n short, the ban k i ng busi ness has becom e a whole lot more l i ke most other busi nesses out there-co mpetitive.

Capital Raising The banker's secon d p r i mary fu nction is capital raisi ng. Most growi ng b u s i n esses h ave a n i nsati able d es i re for c a p ital , a n d few a re a b l e to generate enough cash t h rough thei r o ngo i ng operatio n s to fu lfi l l that des i re . T h at m e a n s they h ave t o g o somewhere e l se for the

it can sel l an owners h i p i nterest in the company. Debt versus equ ity, that's the choice. There are -

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I was pissed off. I made the corrections and submitted the marked-up document. I spoke to Fausto very nicely and told him that I appreciated all his hard work throughout the year and that I really didn't know how he did it. This made him happy. An hour later a perfect doc­ ument came out. The following day I gave this "first crack" at the execu­ tive summary to the vice president and he scrapped it. He marked it up like this:

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Mter he was done hacking at the executive summary it was about 9:00 P.M. I submitted it to word processing. In­ evitably what came out of word processing was not per­ fect, so I had to resubmit it. I waited for it to come out of word processing and got it back around 1 1 :30 P.M. The vice president aske � me to fax the finished product to him after it went through

137

1 36 MONKEY BUSINESS

JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB word processing. So I faxed it. Of course, he was awake b ecause he only had left the office a half hour ago. When he answered the phone I heard his TV in the back­ ground. There was a familiar theme song playing and I was pretty sure that it was the Robin Byrd Show's "Baby, Let Me Bang Your Box." I vowed to myself that if I ever made it to vice president I ' d go ahead and spring for either Spice or the Playboy Channel, so that I could at least watch some quality hoochie while my associates faxed me pitch books. The vice president made more changes and faxed them back to me and asked me to have it to him by the morn­ ing. I could have either submitted his changes to word processing, waited for them to be done, checked them, and left the finished product on his desk, or I could have submitted the changes, gone home fof' some shut-eye, and the n come to work early the next morning and checked the j ob that word processing had done. Either way I wouldn 't have gotten more than five hours of sleep. The next day the draft clawed its way up one level in ' the hierarchy to the senior vice president. The senior vice president took a look at the executive summary and made his changes as such:

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DLJ is the premier investment bank on Wall Street and the Company will have the full support of Howard Isenstein, one telecommunications analyst on Wall Street.

DLJ is uniquely qualified in selling story companies.

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The senior vice president I was working for loved graphs and charts. He had already mastered the art of written bullshit in the pitch books and was pursuing a loftier goal of impressing companies with color graphs and charts. It was truly amazing. I got the marked-up document back around 6:00 P. M . and the word processing marathon began again. I put : the changes through word processing and when I was done the vice president wanted to see the finished prod­ uct to make sure that it was OK to send to the senior vice president. This checking and double checking is a staple of investment banking. I then faxed the document to the senior vice president at his house. He made all these changes to the other changes and faxed them back to me. I sent it through word processing and proofed it. It

1 39

1 38 MONKEY BUSINESS

JOHN ROLFE AND PETER TROOB \

inevitably wasn't right, so I had to send it through word processing again . Then the vice president wanted it faxed back to his apartment, and he made even more changes. By this time it was midnight and the ridiculous­ ness seemed like it would never end. The next day the managing director looked at the ex­ ecutive summary and changed it again. His edits looked like this:

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Cellulamet, Inc. (the "Company") is the leading provider of cellular peripherals with over $ 1 50 million in revenues and a strong backlog.

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,/' The Company is lookiftg to raise $ 1 00 million to purchase

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Donaldson, Lufkin and Jenrette ("DLJ") will be able to effectively raise equity or debt for the Company and believes that the Company's roll-up strategy is:ll( story that DLJ will be able to sell to investors.

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