Making Hostile Words Harmless: A Guide to the Power of Positive Speaking For Helping Professionals and Their Clients

MAKING HOSTILE WORDS HARMLESS A GUIDE TO THE POWER OF POSITIVE SPEAKING FOR HELPING PROFESSIONALS AND THEIR CLIENTS ...

Author: Kate Cohen-Posey

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MAKING

HOSTILE WORDS

HARMLESS A GUIDE TO THE POWER OF POSITIVE SPEAKING FOR HELPING PROFESSIONALS AND THEIR CLIENTS

KATE COHEN-POSEY

John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

MAKING

HOSTILE WORDS

HARMLESS

MAKING

HOSTILE WORDS

HARMLESS A GUIDE TO THE POWER OF POSITIVE SPEAKING FOR HELPING PROFESSIONALS AND THEIR CLIENTS

KATE COHEN-POSEY

John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

1 This book is printed on acid-free paper.

Copyright # 2008 by Kate Cohen-Posey. All rights reserved. Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey. Published simultaneously in Canada. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the Publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, Inc., 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, (978) 750-8400, fax (978) 646-8600, or on the web at www.copyright.com. Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, (201) 748-6011, fax (201) 748-6008, or online at http://www.wiley.com/go/permissions. Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages. This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering professional services. If legal, accounting, medical, psychological or any other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought. Designations used by companies to distinguish their products are often claimed as trademarks. In all instances where John Wiley & Sons, Inc. is aware of a claim, the product names appear in initial capital or all capital letters. Readers, however, should contact the appropriate companies for more complete information regarding trademarks and registration. For general information on our other products and services please contact our Customer Care Department within the United States at (800) 762-2974, outside the United States at (317) 572-3993 or fax (317) 572-4002. Wiley also publishes its books in a variety of electronic formats. Some content that appears in print may not be available in electronic books. For more information about Wiley products, visit our web site at www.wiley.com. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data: Cohen-Posey, Kate. Making hostile words harmless : a guide to the power of positive speaking for helping professionals and their clients / by Kate Cohen-Posey. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 978-0-470-28194-9 (pbk.) 1. Verbal self-defense. 2. Invective.

I. Title.

BF637.V47C64 2008 153.6—dc22

2007047642

Printed in the United States of America. 10 9

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A target mandala (used on the cover) often suggests hostility projected onto others and a world beset with danger. Yet the infusion of yellows, golds, and oranges conveys the spirit and self-worth that renders these forces harmless.

To my darling daughter Lela who, from an early age, authored some of the best lines in this book and continues to be an inspiration

Contents

Case Stories

xi

Introduction

xiii

Acknowledgments

xxi

Chapter 1 Difficult People and the Art of Aikido¯

1

Martial Arts—East Does Not Meet West 2 Verbal Arts 3 Instinctual Reactions 4 Turning the Spotlight 5 Response versus Reaction 6 Chapter 2 Acting as If—The Art of Confirming

9

What and Why of Confirming 10 Art of Agreement 11 Speak It as You Want It 13 Counting on Compliments 16 Drama Is Worth a Thousand Words 22 Reverse Resistance with Psychology 24 Exercise 25 All-Purpose Confirmations 27

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Contents

Chapter 3

Asking Questions—The Art of Inquiry

31

Dialogues 32 Pseudoquestions 34 Asking Questions to Avoid Assumptions 35 Asking Hidden Questions to Promote Contemplation 37 Spotlight Effect 38 Asking Questions to Prevent Prying 39 Asking Questions to Evoke Inquiry 41 Asking Questions that Give People a False Choice 44 Asking Questions that Predict Success 46 Exercise 47 All-Purpose Questions 49 Chapter 4

Active Listening—The Art of Understanding

How Listening Became Active 52 Therapeutic Triangles—Reflect Harsh Words Away from Targets 58 Narrating Behavior and Diction 59 Naming the Game 61 Filial Therapy Narrations 62 Refinement of Active Listening 64 Active Listening Add-Ons 65 Active Listening for Empowerment 67 Exercise 71 Advantages of Active Listening 73

51

Contents Chapter 5 Hypnosis and Humor—The Art of Evoking

ix 75

Modern Hypnotherapy 76 Hypnotic Basics in the Verbal Arts 78 Advanced Hypnotic Patterns 79 Exercise 95 Comedy Connection 97 Chapter 6 Taking a Stand by Opposing

101

‘‘I’’ Position 102 Taking a Stand Effortlessly 103 Disagreeing Effortlessly 108 Handling a Backlash 109 Buber Takes a Stand 111 Chapter 7 Teaching Positive Speaking to Clients

115

Positive Speaking Training Steps 115 Aikido ¯ Cross Training (Step 5) 117 Positive Speaking for Interpersonal Issues 118 Interference from Inner Bullies 120 Limits of Positive Speaking 122 Goals of Positive Speaking 124 Maintaining Balance with High-Wire Families 125 Chapter 8 Workshops on Positive Speaking Bonus: For Practice or Presentations 130 Possible Workshop Titles 130

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Contents Program Description 131 Learning Objectives 132 Materials 133 Scripted Program Outline 133 Quiz 143 Feedback Form 148 Handout 149 Questionnaire 150 Cruel Comments Worksheet 150 Quiz Answers 155 Appendix A

Verbal Arts Terms

159

Appendix B

All-Purpose One-Liners

165

Appendix C

Psychotherapy Approaches Referenced in the Text

167

References

171

About the Author

173

Index

175

Case Stories

Chapter 1 Case Story: Helene 4 Chapter 2 Case Story: Kate 15 Case Story: Farmer Legend 28 Chapter 4 Case Story: Elizabeth 62 Case Story: Filial Therapy Narration 63 Chapter 5 Case Story: Hypnotic Narration 76 Chapter 6 Case Story: Kate and Bob 102 Case Story: Kate and Henry 109 Chapter 7 Case Story: Lilly 119 Case Story: Kate 122 Case Story: Andre 125

The names of clients whose stories appear in this book have been changed, and all have given written permission to use transcripts of their sessions. To further provide anonymity, details of lives have been altered, story lines adapted, and in some cases, literary gender changes performed. xi

Introduction

Norman Vincent Peale wrote The Power of Positive Thinking in 1952. It stayed on the New York Times best-seller list for 186 consecutive weeks and sold over 20 million copies. Yet, it was criticized by theologians, mental health experts, scholars, and even politicians like Adlai Stevenson. Peale promoted methods to help people ‘‘manifest’’ their desires and dreams through faith and autosuggestion. His detractors believed his book was poorly researched and gave people false hope. Currently, there has been a resurgence in the positive-thinking movement. In 1986, Jerry and Esther Hicks began teaching The Science of Deliberate CreationTM. Their teachings offer the perspective of a group of (nonphysical) spiritual beings called Abraham: You make your own reality, and the universe reflects it back to you. Many works have followed. Two books—The Law of Attraction (Hicks & Hicks, 2006) and The Secret (Byrne, 2006)—are the current rage offering promises of energy, prosperity, health, wealth, and happiness. These writers substantiate their theories with quantum physics. The power of positive speaking taught in Making Hostile Words Harmless makes none of these pledges. It is designed to deal with negative verbiage. When used, harmony and balance are created through interacting with people. The effect is immediate. At the very least, offenders are slightly agitated, but neutralized, and walk away befuddled. However, there are times when positive speaking can turn verbal cruelty into kindness and even change the behavior patterns of coldhearted, callous people. Regardless of the impact on people trying to bully and batter, simple changes in language are xiii

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Introduction

empowering without resorting to cruel tactics, which only add to the vicious cycle of nastiness. The basic rule of positive speaking is to respond to verbal aggression without using instinctual patterns of attacking, defending, or withdrawing. I discovered the technique as a youngster but did not fully develop it until I became a counselor and a group leader for teens. My first book, How to Handle Bullies, Teasers, and Other Meanies (1995) is a parent-child resource that began to codify a myriad of responses (compliments, questions, agreements, paraphrases, and so on) that do not break the positive speaking rule. This new book spells out the fine nuances of positive speaking through more than 80 examples that address some of the challenges of adult life. Best-seller lists show that people not only want to control the destiny of their fortunes and fantasies, but that they are also seeking practical ways to handle the difficult people who suck the joy out of daily life with displeasing banter. The No Asshole Rule (2007) by Robert I. Sutton uses picturesque language to demonstrate how some people poison the workplace and are detrimental to business. He offers tips for surviving toxic job environments and discusses corporate hiring and firing strategies. Making Hostile Words Harmless proposes that the bully on the playground will grow up to not only become the tormenter of people in the workplace but also to be the aggravating neighbor, in-law, spouse, or even fellow worshipper. ORIGINS OF THE POWER OF POSITIVE SPEAKING Rather than focusing on why verbal abuse has reached epidemic proportions, this text explores ancient philosophies and recent psychologies that offer antidotes to venomous verbiage. The four linguistic powers of confirming, inquiring, understanding, and

Introduction

xv

evoking are explained with enticing examples and underlying theory. Positive speaking is more than a book of talking techniques; it draws on three major sources—Taoism, the philosophy of dialogue, and hypnosis and humor. Taoism Taoism is the underlying philosophy of positive speaking. It is represented by the yin yang symbol that shows opposing forces constantly shifting to bring about equilibrium, which is similar to the way this book uses words to create harmony and balance. Taoism emerged in China along with other belief systems. One ancient Chinese picture that represents different approaches to life is the metaphor of the vinegar tasters (Hoff, 1982). Three wellknown men stand around a vat of vinegar; each has just removed a finger from his mouth after sampling the contents. In this picture: 1. Confucius has a sour expression. Vinegar, like the world, needs to be set right with proper rules and past recipes. 2. Buddha appears to have tasted something bitter. He believed that life is filled with illusions, attachments, and desires that lead to suffering. The way to enlightenment is to let go of attachment and see through illusion. 3. Lao-tse (the author of The Tao Te Ching) is smiling. Life can be sweet when it is understood and used for what it is. The world is not an illusion but a teacher and it is governed by the laws of nature not men. Taoism is about survival rather than enlightenment, so it is not surprising that a Taoist priest is alleged to be the originator of the martial arts. Sometime between the thirteenth and sixteenth centuries this cleric began to study how leverage, good posture, and balance could be used to redirect or undo an attack without using

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weapons. It is more likely that a mixture of Buddism, Taoism, and Zen made their way to Japan and, along with Shinto, they inspired Aikido¯. It, absorbs an opponent’s force rather than using throws, kicks, or strikes and remains true to the ancient wisdom of ‘‘the way of harmony.’’ This text puts two important Taoist principles into words: the mirror mind and wu wei (effortless effort). In modern times, the how-to of the mirror mind has been taught by psychologists under such terms as ‘‘active listening,’’ ‘‘mirroring,’’ ‘‘rephrasing,’’ ‘‘empathizing,’’ ‘‘validating,’’ and ‘‘narrating,’’ which will all be explained. However, only Taoism seems to understand the essence of the mirror mind that reflects but does not absorb.

Philosophy of Dialogue Martin Buber’s philosophy of dialogue described in I and Thou (1928/1970) comes the closest to explaining why verbal bullying is so rampant. Buber believed that out of a need for survival, people must use and manage their environment by interrogating, convincing, and judging others. He calls this the ‘‘I-it’’ stand in which people become objects for personal gain. However, humans can also spontaneously open themselves to their fellow beings without any agenda. In these ‘‘I-Thou’’ moments of meeting, a dialogue emerges that conveys more than words. Two people validate each other as they are, while acknowledging and challenging their differences. Through asking questions, showing understanding, and evoking potentials, both parties become more fully human (Kramer, 2003). The positive speaking skills of confirming (acting as if), inquiry (asking questions), understanding (active listening), and evoking (hypnosis and humor) are exactly modeled on Buber’s assessment of an I-Thou moment. All four steps of positive speaking can be

Introduction

xvii

expressed using the acronym AAAH. Although I-Thou moments cannot be taught or arranged, having a repertoire of skills certainly makes them more likely to happen. When released from the bondage of attack-defend-withdraw reactions to verbal attacks, spontaneous comments emerge that enlighten and enliven the moment. Buber recognized an ‘‘inborn Thou’’ that longs for real relationships in spite of the efforts of people-pleasing, judgmental, and controlling thoughts that attempt to hijack the moment with their agendas. His philosophy is imbued with spiritual undertones. An ‘‘Eternal Thou’’ (God Force) is always present, pulling people toward genuine meeting. When true being can sally forth and make contact with friend and foe alike; then compassion, self-respect, and even a spark of the divine emerge.

Hypnosis and Humor Whether people like it or not, they are constantly using hypnosis in everyday language. ‘‘Don’t ever lie to me again!’’ is a demand that creates resistance and can trigger the opposite result. Part of the mind drops out the negative ‘‘Don’t’’ and only hears ‘‘lie to me again.’’ Voila`—the person has just been hypnotized into a more consistent pattern of dishonesty. Less tension and a more desirable outcome could be achieved with the words, ‘‘Even when you’re afraid of my reaction, you can always tell me the truth.’’ This is a statement of fact that is hard to deny. Such truisms are said to be easily accepted by the mind in hypnotic literature. The words, ‘‘tell me the truth,’’ sneak a hint into the body of the sentence. Embedded suggestions are the core of hypnosis and are far more palatable than demands and commands. People mistakenly think that hypnosis is only used to put people in trances to gain control over their minds and make them perform funny parlor tricks. In truth, trance inductions make use of

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Introduction

sophisticated language that can also be employed to open people to change and possibilities. Of course, it could be misused to reinforce undesirable habits like lying. Humor makes use of the unexpected and irreverent to throw people off track from where they have become stuck. The positive speaking examples in this book are rife with hypnotic, humorous language, but Chapter 5 on Hypnosis and Humor—The Art of Evoking spells out the particulars of specialized syntax and grammar with utter clarity. To Be or Not to Be Assertive Questions may be dangling in the minds of some: Why hypnosis? Isn’t this just clever manipulation? Wouldn’t a direct approach be better? Assertive versions of the previous example might be, ‘‘I feel used when you lie’’ or ‘‘Would you please be honest with me?’’ When it works to be forthright, this is the best course of action. But with the orneriest of people, even a simple request can incite rebellion. A simple statement of feelings (‘‘I feel . . . when you . . . ’’) may sound like a guilt trip. People who fear their loved one’s disappointment or ire may need a hypnotic hint to make it over the honesty hump after years of minimizing, making intentional omissions, or being diplomatic. Typical communication courses teach people to be assertive and to actively listen. However, there is little discussion about which skill to employ first. The positive speaking in Making Hostile Words Harmless argues that people cannot effectively state their position until they thoroughly grasp opposing ideas and feelings. Therefore, the arts of inquiry and understanding are prerequisites to knowing if there is an actual conflict worthy of exposing. In the process of rephrasing others ideas and validating their emotions, differences often evaporate or the other party becomes intrigued about the listener’s patiently held stance. Then, the feelings and desires of

Introduction

xix

an assertive message can be fine-tuned for a well-understood antagonist. However, little attention will be given to taking a stand because acting as if, asking questions, active listening, and hypnosis and humor (AAAH) are utterly empowering. The AAAH acronym for positive speaking is intended to suggest a sigh of relief. The examples in these pages may seem like dazzling feats of linguistic twists and turns, but they all come from the author’s or her clients’ own experiences. They are the wu wei (effortless effort) of the Taoist that bring balance and harmony into the heart of harsh verbal landscapes. Note: The author first cataloged this manner of responding in a children’s book titled, How to Handle Bullies, Teasers, and Other Meanies (Cohen-Posey, 1995), which is filled with responses that young people can use to neutralize venomous verbiage. A handout of defusing responses, ‘‘The Dance of Deflection,’’ is published in Brief Therapy Client Handouts (Cohen-Posey, 2000). All responses in this book were fueled by the taunts experienced by clients, friends, and the author herself and inspired by the accounts of empowerment when the author’s methods were used.

Acknowledgments

Making Hostile Words Harmless started with my mother encouraging me in the sixth grade to tell Richard W. that he was only telling me I had cooties (to the point of perseveration) because he wanted to be my friend. When I followed her advice, her words became truth. Thanks again to Betty Wright and Betsy Lampe at Rainbow Books, Inc., for publishing How to Handle Bullies, Teasers, and Other Meanies, which put my name out to various journalists and ultimately brought me to the attention of John Wiley & Sons, Inc. (more about them later). Thank you to Sharon Kirkland who read Making Hostile Words Harmless when it was still a chapter in Empowering Dialogues Within and told me it was a special gift to her and that it needed to be published separately. I was not yet ready to listen. Also, many thanks to Cara Chamberlain, Joan Carr, and Deborah Neal for reading the manuscript in its entirety when it was swollen with words and information, before Making Hostile Words Harmless had been separated from its introverted sibling (Empowering Dialogues Within). Special appreciation goes to Deb for providing inspiration for some of the examples in the book and giving me feedback that the method works. Thanks to Ruth Soulier for arriving in Florida serendipitously, when I needed some meticulous editing. Thanks so much to Kelly Franklin, formerly at Wiley, who by the grace of God read a somewhat skewed article about me in Psychotherapy Finances, contacted me, and said, ‘‘I think you’re the author we’ve been looking for.’’ (Since when does a big-time New York editor read a Florida-based newsletter for behavioral health practitioners?) Thank you, too, to Lisa Gebo, now at Wiley, for xxi

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Acknowledgments

continuing to be interested in my writing, for boldly suggesting that two books needed birthing, and for always being delightful. And I do not want to forget Thomas Howard at Wiley who inspired a fascinating discussion about the proper Taoist translation of effortless doing (wei wu wei) versus non doing (wu wei). My yoga teacher, Gregory Hicks, quoting from the thirty-seventh chapter of the Tao Te Ching points out that in wu wei (non-doing), nothing is left undone. Both terms, to my untrained Western mind, express the idea of acting in concert with what is to produce transformation that arises of its own accord. Neither wei wu wei nor wu wei suggest trying to impose change through cleverness and will. Due to my love of alliteration and desire to be concise, I have used wu wei and effortless effort interchangeably and hope I am not disturbing Eastern scholars. A special thank you to anyone who has ever bullied or bashed me. Your hostile words have become grist for the mill, allowing me to show others how to turn such insults inside out.

CHAPTER 1

Difficult People and the Art of Aikido¯

Morihei Ueshiba, the founder of Aikido¯, on a trip to Inner Mongolia in 1924 had a near fatal experience. His group was surrounded and attacked by Chinese Nationalist soldiers and bandits that plundered throughout the mountain passes. The master prepared for death but instead a strange calmness overtook him and without moving from his position he avoided oncoming bullets by slightly shifting his body. The more he concentrated, the calmer he became and the clearer his mind grew. Like the quiet center of a spinning top, he twisted and turned his body to repeatedly avoid pebbles of white light that flashed just before oncoming bullets. A similar incident happened a year later when a swordsman attacked him while he was barehanded. He perceived the slightest movement resulting from his opponent’s hostile thoughts and saw white light where the sword would follow. He simply avoided the streams of white light. —Ueshiba (1984)

Ueshiba was already a master of other martial arts and had his own training center for them. In those defining moments while facing a real enemy, he discovered ki (the joining of the mind and body echoing the harmony of the universe). Aikido¯ means ‘‘the way of

1

2 Difficult People and the Art of Aikido¯

joining or becoming one with energy of the life force.’’ As opposed to other martial arts that emphasize throws, kicks, or strikes, aikido¯ emphasizes ai (to join) ki (the energy) do (way). More specifically, in pure martial arts, a person learns to absorb an opponent’s force and strength. The soft controls the hard; the flexible conquers the rigid. If pushed, pull back; when pulled, push forward. Aikido¯ adds twists and turns. This creates a stable axis that disturbs an opponent. Like a spinning top, a person is stationary in the center. No matter how strong people are, once they extend beyond their circle, they have no power and can be held down with a little finger (Ueshiba, 1984). Instead of using an opponent’s force to throw, as in judo, his force is used to contain. MARTIAL ARTS—EAST DOES NOT MEET WEST The movements employed in martial arts are very different from Western fighting maneuvers. Usually, when under attack, most people either exchange blows or retreat based on the animal instincts of fight or flight. The martial arts first appeared in China as early as 1500 BCE. One of its parent thought system, Taoism, teaches that harmony and balance can be created through interaction with opposing forces (shown in the yin yang symbol). The world is a teacher, not an illusion, and is governed by the laws of nature, not men. When we work with what is, life becomes effortless. This is the Taoist principle of effortless effort. Life is about survival, not becoming enlightened and overcoming illusion. Legend has it that a Taoist hermit priest sought a perfect boxing form when he saw a crane (yang energy) and a snake (yin energy) fighting. Ultimately, a form of combat evolved in which a person joins with an opponent and uses his or her strength to unbalance, disarm, or contain. Instead of an instinctive act of self-protection,

Verbal Arts

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natural movements emerge from the rhythm of the universe bringing the energy of ki. Systematic ways of moving were developed to lose the Self and destroy combat itself. Aikido¯ adheres so strongly to this goal that it rejects all forms of contests, tournaments, and ranking. Only public demonstrations are offered to show how to contain and redirect negative energy to bring fourth harmony. VERBAL ARTS If movement can be used to unbalance physical force, can language be similarly employed to absorb hostile words and render them harmless? Would the purpose be to fend off attacks of verbal abuse that can be just as damaging as blows to the body or to find Master Ueshiba’s harmony of mind and body—ai? Neophytes often begin their study in Eastern forms of self-defense for practical purposes or to improve their physical prowess. As they advance in skill, the philosophy of ‘‘joining with one’s opponent’’ and ‘‘promoting balance’’ naturally emerges. Power over will be replaced by power with. This is equally true with the verbal arts. People begin their training in advanced communication skills for self-protection and even to manipulate others. But as they discover the impact of a wellplaced phrase to defuse a tense situation, the pull to promote harmony becomes irresistible. Most people have enough familiarity with the martial arts to distinguish flawless movements that unbalance, disarm, or contain an adversary’s strength from typical oppositional jabs and jolts. Rarely are they witnesses to linguistic feats that create connection with or confusion in those who attempt to batter with words. The following anecdote is used to illuminate the difference between typical repartee and verbal artistry.


Case Story: Helene Helene dreaded contact with her husband’s suffocating family. Gatherings were forced affairs in which she felt she was held hostage to the dictates that everyone must attend. Consequently, she made excuses whenever possible. Despite all her encouragement to ‘‘go without me,’’ her husband refused, saying they should be together. Rumor had it that Helene was not only a recluse but that she was trying to keep her husband from his family. One day, her sister-in-law casually commented, ‘‘Helene, you’re an evil, heartless person.’’ What had been mere avoidance ended up assuming proportions of in-law phobia.

INSTINCTUAL REACTIONS In-laws, spouses, bosses, and acquaintances who make such blatant verbal attacks are apt to repeat them. Therefore, they offer splendid opportunities to mentally rehearse new responses. Before displaying verbal arts, consider eight typical reactions: Remark: ‘‘You’re an evil, heartless person.’’ 1. Attacking: ‘‘You’re not exactly a saint yourself.’’ 2. Lecturing: ‘‘If you weren’t always in my business, I might come to these things.’’ 3. Defending: ‘‘I really am a busy person, and I just can’t seem to convince your brother to come to these events by himself.’’ 4. Reassuring: ‘‘I’ll try to do better in the future.’’ 5. Apologizing: ‘‘I’m really sorry; we’ve been so busy.’’ 6. Withdrawing: Not saying anything and vowing never to come again.

Turning the Spotlight

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7. Distracting: Thinking of someone to complain to about this witchy sister-in-law. 8. Asserting: ‘‘I feel hurt when you talk to me like that, and I would like you to stop.’’ The first seven reactions are attack-defend-withdraw—instinctual tendencies that we share with the rest of the animal kingdom. Even reassuring and apologizing are forms of verbal combat because they are defensive attempts to change the other person’s opinion. Withdrawing might seem like a good strategy because it does not reinforce unwanted comments, but absence usually does not make bullies’ hearts grow fonder. It is a rare person who is truly unfazed by unbridled verbiage. Remaining quiet can make a painful remark more cutting. Adversaries will take silence as a sign of weakness and strike again at the next opportunity. Number eight is not instinctual. It is often taught by counselors and might work in ongoing relationships where both people are committed to improving their bond. However, when the ties that bind are tenuous or devotion is on the decline, those who use word weapons may not care about anyone else’s feelings. When Eastern monks developed the martial arts, their purpose was to make weapons or resistance unnecessary in combat. Even statements like ‘‘I feel hurt when you talk to me like that, and I would like you to stop’’ can be provocative. TURNING THE SPOTLIGHT More important, notice where the focus is in most of the responses in the list: ‘‘I might come to these things,’’ ‘‘I really am busy,’’ ‘‘I promise,’’ ‘‘I’m sorry,’’ ‘‘I feel hurt when . . . ’’. Bullies put the spotlight on their targets, and many people oblige them by keeping it there. The trick is to turn the attention back on offenders to


illuminate the forces at play, much as an aikido¯ master uses an opponent’s strength to unbalance, disarm, or contain. With this simple instruction in mind, the original remark will be revisited and the basic techniques of the verbal arts displayed: Remark: ‘‘You’re an evil, heartless person.’’ 1. Acting as if the remark is good: ‘‘You say that like it’s a bad thing.’’ 2. Asking questions: ‘‘Are you trying to change me by upsetting me? . . . Interesting!’’ 3. Active listening: ‘‘You sound quite disgusted with me.’’ 4. Humor: ‘‘You’re so forceful when you put people in their place. Do you know the name of a good exorcist to root out evil?’’ The acronym AAAH (Acting as if, Asking questions, Active listening, and Humor) captures the movement of the verbal arts (see Appendix A: Verbal Arts Terms). All fall under the rubric of hypnotic language replete with narrations, validations, suggestions, predictions, generalizations, false choices, and paradoxes that are used to encourage any acceptable or desired change.

RESPONSE VERSUS REACTION AAAH is also the language of the reasoning brain when it is not beset by a cauldron of emotions bubbling up from mental structures that are ensuring survival. Although connections from the emotional brain to the thinking system are stronger than those from the cognitive center to the feeling system, it is possible to switch on your ‘‘knower’’ and act as if rude remarks are harmless by focusing on the big picture. Using logic to ponder the underlying nonsense of random rude remarks makes asking questions come naturally. Newly discovered, ‘‘mirror neurons’’ respond to another person’s

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experience as if it were your own (Gore, 2007). Thus, we are wired for empathy and compassion to actively listen to melt resistance. Finally, your wise mind finds humor in the drama that impels bullies to deliver crude comments. Comedic comebacks roll off of the tongue when complex linguistic centers are used to make absurd connections. Like the martial arts, when the verbal arts are practiced and mastered, people begin to replace reactivity with responsibility or the ability to respond. This is empowering! Snide remarks are heard as cries for help that warrant full concentration on the wounded wretch who is attempting to inflict bothersome blather. Verbal artists neither flee from, nor fight with, tormentors. Contact is made, but the touch may be fleeting—just enough to imply, I can be present with you in this moment however you are. The goal is to absorb hostile words and render them harmless, not necessarily to make changes in relationships. Each method for meeting adversaries will be thoroughly examined with theory and examples to intrigue both the meek and the mighty regarding the value of this new currency in the marketplace of verbal exchange.

CHAPTER 2

Acting as If—The Art of Confirming

In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart. —Anne Frank

There may be no greater statement that confirms the dignity of humankind than the words of this young teenager (Hahn, 2007) caught in the middle of a nightmarish world where the major players were monsters. Yet, somehow she knew that the Mr. Hydes of the day could return to the kindly Dr. Jekylls that were their true natures. The introduction of this book invokes the spirit of Martin Buber. He defined confirmation as an act of making others fully present by accepting them as fellow human beings . . . affirming who they can become by opening paths to change and taking opposing stands when necessary. Not too long after the end of World War II, on a lesser battlefield, some youngsters routinely tormented an elderly lady in their rowhouse neighborhood. They threw rocks at her door, called her an old witch, and conducted a whispering campaign about her evil acts. One day, when the children were outside preoccupied with a game of kickball, their foe gathered them to her front stoop and

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10 Acting as If—The Art of Confirming

offered them a batch of freshly baked cookies. No one, not even little ones who had not been present for the feast of sweets ever uttered an unkind word about her again. With one benevolent act, this wise woman confirmed the children’s true nature and dispelled their mean-spirited pastime. WHAT AND WHY OF CONFIRMING Acting as if is the verbal art that confirms the best in people by treating a harsh comment as if it were harmless. Consider the anonymous quote: ‘‘It is a greater sin to take offense than to give offense.’’ When people take offense, they accommodate their adversaries by keeping the spotlight on themselves. However, if they look past the content of the comment to the instigators’ desperate attempts to protect their egos or inflict wounds, the verbal potshots lose their punch. As with the constant motion of aikido¯, the master of the verbal arts always responds. The common adage, ‘‘If you can’t think of anything nice to say, don’t say anything’’ becomes, ‘‘If you can’t think of anything nice to say, say ‘Thank you.’’’

Example 1 Random bully: You’re so selfish! Response: Why, thank you.

At the least, an unexpected thank you puts a sidespin on a remark headed for disaster. Not only are offenders befuddled as they watch their verbal missile miss its mark, their repertoire does not contain the ammunition for social graces. Making a nonattacking, nondefensive response is empowering. Often, people are silent because

Art of Agreement

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they do not want to act like bullies themselves. Until they learn a response of a different color, they feel weak and defeated. Most important of all, aggressors need contact! Saying nothing creates a vacuum that can only be filled by continuing torment. Acting as if by agreeing, speaking things as you want them, using compliments, dramatizing, and using reverse psychology helps bullies learn that they can connect without conquering. ART OF AGREEMENT Often people think that agreeing is the same as giving in. In truth, when you defend or explain, you give up power by making others your judge and jury. Agreeing is the next easiest thing to saying thank you, but it is important to separate fact from fiction. Agree in fact only when a true statement has been made. When you agree with the facts of an insult, you take it out of the derogatory domain and put it in the information arena. At the same time, you become more accepting of your flaws or unique qualities.

Example 2 Boyfriend: You better watch the tone of voice you take with me. Response: Maybe my voice did have a bit of an edge to it.

Example 3 Mother: We didn’t raise you this way (to have premarital sex). Thirtyish daughter: That’s true. . . . I guess we have different moral standards now.


Example 4 Husband: You always accuse me of not helping you around the house and criticize any help I do offer. Response: I can be critical, and I think we do have different priorities on what needs to be done and when to do it.

Agree in theory when there is no basis of truth to a statement. Agreeing with a falsehood is giving in, but some underlying accuracy can be found with words like could, maybe, and if.

Example 5 Fiance´: Your daughter is always trying to cause problems. Response: She could be more agreeable (anyone could be more agreeable).

Example 6 Husband: How can I ever trust you again? Wife: If I did what you think I did, it would be impossible for you to trust me. Husband: You did do what I think you did! Wife: I don’t remember doing such an awful thing, but maybe you know things about me that I don’t know about myself.

Speak It as You Want It

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Example 7 Adult stepdaughter: You act like you don’t have any choices about where you take journalism assignments, but you do. Stepmother: Maybe there are choices and possibilities that I’ve missed. Because your father is an excellent businessman, I hope you and he will continue to discuss my contract to see if you can find any possible loopholes. People who judge and accuse are doing their best to put others on the defensive and are warming up for an argument. Agreeing with them in fact, theory, or with possibilities robs them of a sparring partner and leaves them punching at thin air. Martin Buber challenged the fully present person to confirm others as they are in the moment and who they can become in the future (Kramer, 2003). Agreeing with facts or possibilities affirms the current stance of others and opens a path to the future. SPEAK IT AS YOU WANT IT There is a phrase from scripture that instructs us to ‘‘call things that are not as though they are’’ (Romans 4:17). In the case of verbal banter, this means to treat words that have turned sour as though they were the milk of human kindness. Simply hear what you want to hear, even if it is the opposite of what has been said. This not only uplifts you, but also can baffle people who innocently or intentionally make annoying remarks.

Example 8 Coworker: You are such a workaholic. Response: Thanks for noticing my devotion.


Example 9 Sister: Is Mom taking her medicine, getting enough sleep, following the doctor’s instructions, (and on and on)? Response: I’m so glad that . . . you are becoming confident of my ability to care for Mom (said with complete sincerity).

Example 10 Stepfather: You let your kids get away with way too much. Response: I appreciate how . . . you’ve started to become less critical lately. Stepfather: But I am being critical! Response: I hear your concerns, and you’re beginning to say them in a way that shows . . . you can understand the difficulty of my situation.

Example 11 Coworker: (Has just delivered a long monologue about her many accomplishments.) Response: You know, I have an aunt who never stops talking about herself and is always bragging abut how beautiful she is even though we all suspect that her beauty is in the eye of her plastic surgeon—I’m so glad you are not like that and that . . . you can focus on the assets of others. If these responses seem to be slightly dishonest, that is because they are. In fact, the aunt in the last response is entirely fictitious, which shows that verbal arts can be used for any pesky commentary. Speaking things as you want them utilizes golden lies in which

Speak It as You Want It

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an assertion is made that people are behaving in ways they are not in order to confirm what they can become. These italicized phrases slip suggestions for the desired behavior into the body of the sentence. Pregnant pauses ( . . . ) ready the mind to (impatiently) wait for the planting of new ideas. Even if a critic persists in being demeaning, each rebuke can be shaped into further evidence that the requisite adjustment is taking place (Example 10). The only requirement is that replies must be given without a hint of sarcasm. This verbal art is so powerful that behavior can be altered unwittingly.

Case Story: Kate Kate had shrieked her role as a helpless female and was well on her way to confidence and maturity when she met Eric in the 1970s. This Navy SEAL, Vietnam veteran was used to walking two steps in front of her, still in the throes of his wartime flashbacks, surveying the scene for danger. One day he remarked, ‘‘You’re not like those other women libbers: You understand that a man needs to enter a room first to make sure there’s no peril.’’ Kate was astonished. She was indeed a feminist, considered herself equal to any man, and did not want to be complicit in his hellish nightmare; yet, sheeplike, she surrendered her wellinculcated, ladies-first breeding and watched him march before her through any approaching entrance. A student of hypnosis, Kate knew she was responding to an implied suggestion, but her automatic (unconscious) mind would not resist his harmless innuendo.


COUNTING ON COMPLIMENTS Compliments are one of the most important commodities in the verbal exchange market because of the varied ways they can be used—an insult can be taken as a compliment, a golden nugget of grace can be found in the most grievous comments, an insult can be returned with a compliment, or the tone of a compliment can be twisted to release frustration without losing the power of positive speaking.

Looking for Compliments in All the Wrong Places Taking an insult as a compliment is slightly different than speaking things as you want them. Instead of hearing what you want to hear regardless of what has been said, change the meaning or context of an insult to turn it inside out.

Example 12 Coworker: I know you slept with every guy in this office. Response: So you really think I have that much endurance? Amazing!

Example 13 Adult daughter: Dad is getting so cheap, and he’s not even Jewish. Jewish mother: Yes, at last he’s learning to manage money, but I don’t know if it’s fair to give Jews the credit just because he married into our family.

Counting on Compliments

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Example 14 Boyfriend: You better watch the tone of voice you take with me (Example 2)! Response: You mean I’m finally starting to sound forceful? Boyfriend: I’d say a little too forceful. Response: Well, I can’t become calm and gentle until I’m sure of my strength, so I do appreciate it whenever you point out my (bad) attitude. These types of verbal affronts are apt to arouse a downward spiral of derision and cause relationships to shatter. They seem especially bad because they are taken out of context, and any playful banter or redeeming features in partners is missing. However, even if the last example is as bad as it seems, and the boyfriend’s threat is an omen of doom, learning to respond in a nonattacking, nondefensive manner is a skill this woman needs in all her affairs. Her boyfriend may be her best teacher. By encouraging him to point out her attitude, she is actually discouraging him, which will be covered in reverse psychology (Examples 27 through 30).

Golden Nuggets Finding golden nuggets is an extreme example of taking an insult as a compliment. Instead of changing the meaning or context of an insult, look for something good or true in the worst words. This can require digging deep and asking questions to find something to support in the most scornful slander. Looking for golden nuggets is especially effective for dealing with malicious gossip or comments about oppressed groups. Lecturing about outdated beliefs could make some people more isolated and entrenched in their convictions.


Example 15 Homophobic coworker: They should have never hired someone like you to work at this store. We could lose all our straight clientele. Response: I see what you mean. Having customers with exquisite taste who like to spend money could be a problem, much less all the women who would flock to the store just to get opinions from someone like me.

Example 16 Coworker: I hear Mary Smith was promoted because she is sleeping with the boss. Response: Are you saying she’s a hard worker both in and out of the bedroom?

Example 17 Racist relative: They should just send all those people back to Africa. Response: So there still is a need for the NAACP. I may have to send them a donation.

Example 18 Conventional friend: Freaks like that deserve to die (referring to a person with piercings)! Response: How many piercing and tattoos would be the cut off for life or death?


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Friend: About as many as that one has. Response: So that one sets the standard—should we give him an award? But seriously, why is it so upsetting to you? Friend: Cause people like that make everyone look bad. Response: You mean if aliens landed and saw him they’d think, Boy, humans suck! You’ve got a great future doing PR for the human race (compliment given). Friend: You know, I’m talking about how the media says our kids are degenerates. Response: So if freaks weren’t around, the media couldn’t pick on our kids. . . . But, then, if we didn’t see those extreme styles, we might worry more about how our kids dress. Finding golden nuggets is unlikely to change intolerance into freethinking, but it does allow a few moments of sustained, even amusing, contact instead of an awkward silence or a pedantic lecture. Reducing tension alters rigid thought patterns; a drawn-out debate intensifies unyielding viewpoints. Any time levity is added to a dreary conversation, abuse has more difficulty taking root. Responding with a Compliment Returning an insult with a compliment is such a powerful technique that it paralyzes bad behavior and leaves people stunned. In a sense, you are ‘‘speaking to bullies as you want them to be’’ by responding to a verbal attack with a compliment. This helps bullies move past their puny agenda to win, be tough, and be right by showing them that their inner goodness has been recognized and confirmed. The complement in Example 20 is a classic that can be used in an infinite variety of situations. It should be memorized and placed on the desktop of your brain for handy access—’’You are such a good


Example 19 Coworker: You were way too harsh in the way you talked to him. Response: It’s so good how you put yourself out for your friends.

Example 20 Mother: We didn’t raise you this way (to have premarital sex). Thirtyish daughter: You’re such a good mother to be worrying about me like this.

Example 21 Coworker: I’ve been told that I look as good as a lot of those women who entered that beauty pageant. Response: Yes, you really are a knockout. It must be great to have your confidence. (friend, neighbor, aunt, boss) to be worrying about me like this.’’ The response in Example 21 is a hard pill to swallow. When people boast, the last thing others want to do is say anything that could further swell their pride. Often these cries to be noticed are best stopped by trumping self-praise and confirming people as though they had true self-confidence. Compliment Chasers Many teachers and supervisors are taught to say three positive things before giving constructive criticism. The opposite is more


21

advisable. Describe the problem behavior, and then quickly follow with specifics of what the person is doing well. Had the coworker in Example 19 used this tactic, there would have been no need for a response to take the sting out of her words.

Example 19 Coworker: You were a bit harsh in the way you talked to him, but you’re always going out of your way to help others with their work, and most people light up when they see you coming. Some people do not take criticism well and need a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down. The second principle of praise is to be specific. ‘‘Nice going’’ or ‘‘Good job’’ often sounds insincere. Naming particulars (‘‘you go out of your way,’’ ‘‘people light up’’) is more believable and reinforces desirable behavior (Thompson & Jenkins, 2004).

Twisting the Tone Twisting the tone to return an insult (or other obnoxious verbiage) with a compliment adds confusion. Notice how changing a couple of words and adding just a touch of nastiness releases frustration while retaining all the power of the last three responses. To twist the tone in Example 19, use a snappy attitude for the first part of the reply and finish with unexpected, heartfelt praise.

Example 19 Response: Well I may have been harsh (when I talked to him), but . . . you’re a great friend!


Example 20 Response: Even if I’m awash in filthy morals . . . you’re doing a great job as a mother!

Example 21 Response: Oh, so what if you’ve had all that success . . . you’re still a wonderful person.

DRAMA IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS Instead of acting as if, dramatizing goes one step further by acting out an insult to embrace it and, therefore, contain it. Beat wordmongers at their own game by giving yourself a worse insult than the one you’ve been given or by suggesting the worst-case scenario.

Example 22 Random bully: Kiss my ass! Response: Which cheek?

Example 23 Fortyish female: You’re not placing much priority on our friendship. We don’t talk every week for two hours anymore. Response: Hmmm, I guess I’m not. It’s a shame I’ve turned into such a slacker of a friend.

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Example 24 Young man: Too bad you’re not a nymphomaniac . . . (said repeatedly on the first date). Young lady: Actually I’m a necrophiliac (said coolly while toying with a nail file).

Example 25 Father: I’m worried about your mother and those people who have ruined our lives. Adult daughter: That’s an understatement. They’ve raked us over the coals and smashed us to smithereens. I’m amazed there is anything left of this family.

Example 26 Mother: Things have been so bad since your father left me. Son (on visitation): It really does sound bad. I don’t know how you’ll ever find happiness or true financial security again.

People who are tired of propping up others with constant reassurance can have fun turning the tables. If a situation is infused with enough tragedy, even a complainer can become a consoler and say, ‘‘well maybe things aren’t that awful.’’ The son in Example 26 had noticed feeling weird on visits with his mother and after talking with his counselor about the possibility that she was trying to make him her ally, he was able to amplify her ever-so-repetitious ploys to deafen her with them.


REVERSE RESISTANCE WITH PSYCHOLOGY Encourage people to continue to be difficult, as though it were a good thing, to help them do the opposite. Consider giving someone the thumbs-up sign after an obscene gesture. In Example 14, a young woman told her boyfriend to point out her attitude every time he noticed it so that she could be sure of her strength. This places him in the bind of complying with her request when he was geared for conflict. Even if he did tell her to watch the tone of her voice again, she could just thank him for doing as she asked—’’Oh, you remembered to tell me about my attitude, please keep it up.’’ This establishes her as the governor of the situation and places him in the position of acting at her behest. Consider Example 27 in which a jealous wife accuses her husband of flirting, follows him from room to room at a party, and takes over any conversation in which he engages.

Example 27 Husband: I’m about to go into another room. Be sure to follow me, notice any women I might be attracted to or even know, and stick close to me even when . . . you see someone you want to talk to. The husband confirms who his wife can become with a final hint that she can have her own life or find people who interest her. Young people hate being told what to do; direct requests can intensify their resistance. Smart parents know how to use reverse psychology to their advantage. The parent in Example 28, while encouraging the proverbial teenage eye roll, was able to insert a suggestion to understand. In Example 30, the young person is being given feedback about his or her tone of voice in a way that will not provoke resistance.

Exercise

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Example 28 Parent: The more you roll your eyes, the better . . . you’ll start to understand what I’m saying . . . that’s it, keep those eyes moving.

Example 29 Parent: When your friends come over, be sure to give me a dirty look when I introduce myself.

Example 30 Parent: Could you sound just a little more condescending. Simply knowing that there are alternatives to attack-defendwithdraw reactions is the first step to changing instinctual patterns. You are more ready than you know to agree in fact or in principle, speak things as you want them, and use compliments, dramatic effect, and reverse psychology. Any one insult can inspire all of these acting-as-if responses. EXERCISE In Exercise 1, the comment of a division director to a program manager comes from a real-life situation that borders on Equal Employee Opportunity (EEO) law violations. Under Title VII of the 1964 Civil Rights Act, employers cannot discriminate or harass on the basis of race, color, religion, sex, or national origin. The prohibition is now interpreted to include discrimination based on sexual orientation or physical handicap. However, legal redress is often an arduous process, and the following statement was made


when the program manager was held captive in a car with no witnesses during a return trip from a meeting. It is recommended that any remarks that may be considered harassment be documented and that the possibility for future litigation be investigated. While waiting for court action, oral abuses can be subdued with the verbal arts. Obviously some of these responses are better than others, and one or two might even be totally inappropriate. However, by simply brainstorming all the permutations and combinations of these acting-as-if responses, we can see that the possibilities are endless. As you consider outrageous retorts . . . you will find your own way of pointing out goodness. This last sentence along with responses three, five, and nine contain hidden suggestions to confirm desired change. They should be spoken with a slightly different intonation following a pregnant pause.

Exercise 1 Acting as If a Provocation Is Benevolent Directions: Think of ways to take the following cut as a compliment or render it harmless. Keep the responses in the right-hand column covered, until you have thought of your own. Division director: How do you expect to control your case managers when your weight shows that you have no control over yourself? Acting-as-If Tactics 1. Agree with anything factual 2. Agree in theory

Suggested Responses You are so right about my lack of control when it comes to food. Throwing my weight around would be a poor management style.

All-Purpose Confirmations

Acting-as-If Tactics 3. Speak it as you want it 4. Take it as a compliment

5. Find a golden nugget 6. Return with a compliment

7. Twist the tone 8. Dramatize logical extension 9. Reverse resistance

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Suggested Responses I’m glad . . . you appreciate that my supervision style . . . is one of caring and concern. I never thought about it that way—the extra weight I’m carrying might cause my case managers to feel that they have to burden themselves unnecessarily. I know . . . you want to help me . . . be a better manager. Only a good director would take such a personal interest in her managers and try so hard to help them. Well even if I lack control . . . You’re a great director! I’m sorry I didn’t hear you; I was trying to remember where I keep my secret stash of chocolates. Please keep pointing out my weight and lack of control because, in a strange way, that might help you . . . be at ease with me.

ALL-PURPOSE CONFIRMATIONS One of the easiest ways to think on your feet is to memorize some handy one-liners like the six listed next that neutralize almost any negativity. Comment: ‘‘You are such a selfish, witchy, half-wit, sleazy, immoral, ingrate!’’ 1. Take it as a compliment: ‘‘Thank you!’’ 2. Return with a compliment: ‘‘I don’t think I’ve ever been told off so thoroughly. You are a good (mother, boss, sister, friend) who worries.’’ 3. Agree in fact: ‘‘Absolutely!’’


4. Agree in theory: ‘‘Could be.’’ 5. Reversing resistance: ‘‘You might as well keep trying to upset me until . . . it’s not worth the effort.’’ 6. Speak it as you want it: ‘‘Oooh. . . . You say that like it’s a bad thing (implying it’s a good thing).’’ The last one-liner is said coyly with special intonation. If the use of this euphemism is uncomfortable for you, simply say, ‘‘Hmm . . . . That could be a good thing or a bad thing.’’ This expression is based on the following legend from days gone by.

Case Story: Farmer Legend A poor farmer was dismayed when his only horse ran off. He went to his neighbor for consolation. The wise man listened to his tale of woe and said, ‘‘It could be a good thing or a bad thing.’’ The next day the farmer’s horse returned leading a herd of wild horses. Delighted at his good fortune, he ran to his neighbor’s house to tell him the news. His neighbor listened intently and said, ‘‘It could be a good thing or a bad thing.’’ A couple of days later, the farmer’s son was attempting to train one of the wild horses, fell, and broke his leg. Griefstruck, the farmer sought out his neighbor. As always, he listened with dispassionate discernment and said, ‘‘It could be a good thing or a bad thing.’’ Now, there was great trouble in the land, and the king was gathering an army. His general rode through the farmer’s village conscripting all the young men into service. However, he passed over the farmer’s son because of his crippled condition. The farmer joyfully ran to his neighbor who said . . .

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When properly understood, the saying, ‘‘it could be a good thing or a bad thing,’’ imparts a special wisdom in the face of wicked slander. At first thought, the challenge of treating cruelty with kindness can seem ridiculous, foolish, or impossible. The examples given suggest unexpected options. Many have been tested on subjects, leaving adversaries silent or confused. Using responses to make insults insignificant is delightful fun and empowering and readies the heart for the next verbal encounter.

CHAPTER 3

Asking Questions—The Art of Inquiry

On the sleeve notes to the record Blowin’ in the Wind, Dylan wrote: ‘‘The first way to answer the questions in the song is by asking them. But lots of people have to first find the wind.’’ —Bob Dylan, Freewheelin’, (1962)

Socrates knew this more than two thousand years ago and developed a tactic of disarming people by professing ignorance and questioning the imposters—the so-called wise men of Athens. Bewilderment is a natural pleasure but escapes most people because they are always giving answers, defending, and explaining. The ‘‘wind’’ is indeed all around us, whether it is the petty insolence and hot air spewed forth by people or tornados of intolerance that breed blind eyes to peace, justice, and freedom—the ‘‘how many’’ roads, years, and times . . . that Dylan sang about. Because fighting or fleeing is an instinctual response to an attack, asking questions is the most logical alternative. On some levels, it does not make sense for people to say random, rude remarks or to point out others’ flaws. If stress did not get in the way, curiosity would go into high gear and your inquiring mind would want to know the issues behind the innuendo and impudence. 31

32 Asking Questions—The Art of Inquiry

Example 31 Random bully: So and so said such and such about you. Response: And you’re telling me this because? Often one question will stop bullies, and they will walk away. But if you truly want an answer, it can help to use multiple-choice queries, such as: Response: Are you telling me so and so said such and such so that I can go after her and start a fight or just to upset me? DIALOGUES When questions have the effect of starting a dialogue, you have hit the jackpot as long as you keep your curiosity in charge.

Example 31 (Alternative) Bully: I’m telling you what so and so thinks, cause I don’t think you’re so hot either. Response: Is it my looks, the way I act, or something I did to you? Bully: You dress like a hoochie. Response: Well I could be more conservative in the way I dress (agreeing in theory). Do you really judge people by the way they dress (question purpose)? Bully: Yeh, want to make something of it? Response: Heavens no! Maybe it is a good system. Does it work for you? I mean does it help you get loyal, fun friends? It can

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be such a bummer when friends stab you in the back. Seriously, does having a dress code for friends get rid of backstabbers?

Sometimes the first question will be met with silence, but if you stay open, genuinely interested, and nonjudgmental, it is possible to use queries to change digs into dialogues. Martin Buber’s book, I and Thou, contains his philosophy of dialogue. Before pursuing inquiry, it is important to better understand his concepts. Buber believed that dialogues create ‘‘I-Thou’’ moments in which two people expose their uniqueness to each other without a hidden purpose to impose their will or point of view. This is contrasted with ‘‘I-it’’ encounters in which people engage in dueling monologues for the intent of using, judging, or convincing each other. Even attempts to gain information or achieve intimacy may be vehicles for self-gratification. To change the texture of agenda-driven dialogues, questions are asked in pursuit of meaning and discovery. Like Socrates, we must humbly profess ignorance if we want to use inquiry to uncover ultimate truths (but not to make people question their belief systems—as Socrates did). I-Thou incidents cannot be intentionally created even when using questions to seek real understanding. These precious moments of meeting are blessings that come from living spontaneously. However, by studying the art of inquiry, discourse can be held up to Buber’s standard and practiced to help free the ‘‘in-born Thou’’ (see Introduction), which authors meaningful encounters. Before exploring genuine questions, it will be important to clarify one common mistake with interrogatives.


PSEUDOQUESTIONS It is very easy to slip opinions and judgments into questions. This destroys their important role of turning conflict into contact. When questions are used to make a point, they are actually statements.

Exercise 2 Phony Questions Directions: In each of the following pairs of questions, identify the one that actually contains a hidden statement: 1a. How did you decide to . . . ? 1b. How could you make such a stupid mistake? 2a. Why do you always have to take out your stress on everyone else? 2b. Is something bothering you? 3a. Why did you tell so and so what happened? 3b. Do you know how so and so found out that such and such happened?

In the first pair of questions, (b) is actually an insult. Choice (a) in the last two pairs contains assumptions that the other person is under stress or that he or she has told something that was supposed to be held in confidence. It is very easy to jump to conclusions. All preconceived notions must be banished to properly ask questions.

Asking Questions to Avoid Assumptions

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ASKING QUESTIONS TO AVOID ASSUMPTIONS People are vulnerable to making assumptions, and those assumptions frequently cause conflict and intimidation. Questions are the best way to remove the prefix from the word ass-umption and make it umble. When put on the spot with a query, people will often deny presumptions or admit them more meekly and leave avenues open for fruitful exploration.

Example 32 Sister: Is Mom getting enough sleep, eating, taking her medicine . . . ? Response: Are you thinking I’m not taking care of Mom properly? Sister (sheepishly): Well, sometimes you do have trouble remembering things. Response: Would you like to make a written checklist and e-mail it to me daily? (encouraging constant reminding to reverse the pattern—Example 27).

Example 33 Adult stepdaughter: You act like you do not have any choices about where you get journalism assignments, and you do (Example 7)! Stepmother: Do you think I’m intentionally taking work in locations where I can be around my own children? (Continued)


Stepdaughter: Yes I do, and I think you’ve made that pretty obvious when you’ve implied that I was a poor hostess in the past. Stepmother: I know I’ve been less than tactful in the past (agreeing in theory), and I’m trying to correct that. Would you tell me what I said that showed a lack of appreciation?

Example 34 Random bully: You said blah blah blah. Response: If I had said that, I would have been way out of line (agreeing in theory). Do you want to know what I remember saying?

Notice that no attempt has been made to disagree or make a defensive comeback. The use of the word ‘‘remember’’ avoids any argument about what was actually said. Agreeing hypothetically and then asking assumers if they want to know the other side of the issue gives them a chance to mentally switch gears and prepare to listen (see questions that evoke inquiry— Examples 41 through 44). Of course, if they refuse to listen, then a hidden question could be used to allow the dialogue to dangle:

Bully: No! I don’t need to hear any more of your foolishness. Response: Strange, I wonder why you would not want to . . . listen to both sides.

Asking Hidden Questions to Promote Contemplation

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ASKING HIDDEN QUESTIONS TO PROMOTE CONTEMPLATION Hidden questions are very different from pseudoquestions (Exercise 2). A pseudoquestion slips an opinion, assumption, or some other point into a question. A hidden question uses the words ‘‘I wonder’’ to pose a question in the form of a statement. This eliminates the pressure to respond, which (ironically) increases the chance of obtaining an answer. Often, the answers to unspoken questions are more honest than answers to direct questions. Previous examples are slightly altered to use the hidden-question format. The speaker has the option to wait expectantly for a reply or to hit-and-run by walking away and leaving grumblers stewing.

Example 18 Friend: I wonder why peoples’ appearances disturb you.

Example 29 Parent: I wonder why you’re not ready to . . . introduce me to your friends.

Example 30 Parent: I wonder if you like to be harsh or if it is just a habit.

Example 32 Sister: I wonder if you notice when . . . I do remember my responsibilities.


Example 33 Stepmother: I wonder if you know how . . . we will find a way to put past slights behind us. SPOTLIGHT EFFECT One of the reasons why questions work so well is because they take the spotlight off of the scapegoat and turn it back on the basher. When people criticize, accuse, threaten, taunt, or mock, they are attending to others. Questions force provokers to observe themselves. Either they become so uncomfortable that they stop bothering their targets, or they unwittingly struggle with self-examination. It is especially important to keep assailants in the limelight when they are attempting to batter you. Morihei Ueshiba, the aikido¯ master at the beginning of Chapter 1, intently focused on Nationalist soldiers and marauding bandits who were threatening his life. Like him, see through aggressors’ belittling or outrageous words to expose their issues.

Example 35 Husband: I need to know where you are at all times. Wife: Even if you won’t tell me where you’re going, you want me to tell you my plans (rephrasing, see Chapter 4)? Husband: Yes, I’m the man, and I can ask for whatever I want. Wife: So men can be outspoken, but women should keep their desires to themselves (rephrasing)? Husband: Quite so! Wife: Does that put you at a disadvantage? Husband: How?

Asking Questions to Prevent Prying

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Wife: I know exactly what is going on in your mind, but you are clueless about me. You have to . . . worry about how I feel about your requests. Husband: You’ll accept them because you like the lifestyle I provide. Wife: Then, I wonder if my outward compliance gives you an illusion of power (hidden question).

This woman might have been expected to react combatively to her husband’s statement that he is a ‘‘man’’ and therefore, ‘‘can ask for whatever’’ he wants, but she realized that vulnerability lies behind his bravado. Not knowing how to expose his underlying concerns, she began rephrasing and asking questions to clarify what she was hearing until his core issue came to her. Divulging weakness involves taking risks, which is the stuff of I-Thou moments—responding through tension and showing vulnerability. The instant this man’s difficulty comes to light, it is best dropped so that it does not become a topic for dispute. It would be easy to tell this woman to leave such a chauvinist. Indeed, she may at any time. But first, she would be wise to practice seeing through his crude comments to discover their roots. ASKING QUESTIONS TO PREVENT PRYING One of the best times to take advantage of the spotlight effect is when people ask annoying questions that have a hidden agenda to find fault, control, or meddle. It is easy to react to such questions with a sharp, ‘‘It’s none of your business!’’ Instead, answer nosy questions with questions to turn prying back on itself. Even presidential candidates can benefit from using this technique.


Example 36 Reporter: Do you wear boxers or briefs? Candidate: If you can tell me how that information would benefit the American people, I’d be glad to answer.

However, you don’t have to be a presidential hopeful to be plagued by inappropriate, exasperating inquiries. These can be stopped by questioning the underlying motivations.

Example 37 Coworker: Are you wearing any underwear? Response: Do you have a decent reason for asking me that?

Example 38 Relative: How much do you weigh? Response: How is my weight important to you?

Example 39 Husband: Well, what did your therapist say today? Wife: Are you just curious or worried? Husband: I bet you make me out to be the bad guy, but you’re the one with the problems. Wife: It’s wonderful that you feel good about yourself (return with a compliment).

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Example 40 Teammates: It really doesn’t matter, but are you gay? Sunshine: If it doesn’t matter, then why are you asking? Example 40 comes from the movie Remember the Titans. One of the lead characters, Sunshine, dramatizes the logical extension of being called a ‘‘fruitcake’’ by kissing the football captain. A judo master, Sunshine anticipates his opponent’s assault and flips him. His African American teammates are delighted that this California outsider has upstaged their arrogant quarterback. Sunshine might have been tempted to let the newly integrated players who had befriended him know that his antics were not driven by sexual orientation, but if he had, he would have given up power and allowed them to judge him. Just as he has not given in to racial prejudice, he elevates himself by saying (between the lines) that this issue of sexual orientation is so unimportant that it doesn’t deserve an answer. ASKING QUESTIONS TO EVOKE INQUIRY Asking questions is a direct route to stimulating dialogue, but prompting others to initiate them takes the commerce of verbal exchange to new levels. It is tempting to defend or reassure in the face of criticism or doubt, but a good rule of thumb is not to offer explanations unless they have been solicited. Turning accusations, assumptions, and even complaints into requests for information or help is one of the easiest and most effective uses of inquiry.

Example 41 CEO: It is poor personnel utilization to have two people doing a job that only requires one position. (Continued)


Division director: I agree with you completely (agreeing in fact), and I’m sure . . . you want to understand why, on a couple of occasions, two people have appeared to be assigned to a task that one could have accomplished.

Example 42 Wife: Why have you been procrastinating (assumption) on having the hurricane damage fixed (sneaky question)! Husband: Do you want to know the reason why . . . repairs haven’t been made yet?

Example 43 Friend: My supervisor said I was doing a great job, but she thought I was getting too thin. I looked straight at her butt and told her she had no business being concerned about my weight. Response: It’s great that you stood up for yourself, but would you like to . . . learn another way . . . you could have handled her that won’t backfire on you? Friend: Well, I just lost it when she insinuated I’ve been using drugs, when she knows my brother just died! Response: It’s bad enough to have so many people saying you’re too thin, and you were totally caught off guard that your supervisor could possibly think you were using drugs (rephrasing). Maybe you’re too upset to . . . think about a more subtle approach . . . to handling your boss’s assumptions (empathizing, hidden suggestion). Friend: Oh, all right, what is it?

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Response: So are you sure you dare to find out . . . now? Friend: Yeh, is there really another way? When emotions are running high, it is often necessary to ask several times if others want to hear your ideas. People in distress first need to know that their concerns have been understood before they can consider other input, but even then, refocusing away from their issues can be as grueling as attempting to make a runaway locomotive switch tracks. This is what Martin Buber meant when he said that most people engage in dueling monologues, desperately wanting others to consider their points first. The friend in the last example had to quell her excitement to teach the verbal arts by first showing understanding of the anguish of constant weight-loss comments and the outrage of linking it to substance abuse. Then she asked two times if her friend wanted to learn a new approach. The last question may have seemed unnecessary—‘‘So are you sure you dare to find out . . . now?’’ Such delay tactics create impatience and help people focus on the answer. They are hypnotic hooks with built-in commitments to learn, understand, or discover something new. Thus, the supervisor’s comment could now be handled artfully.

Example 44 Employee: I appreciate that you are both pleased with my work and troubled by my weight loss. You’re a good supervisor who cares (compliment returned). Are you afraid I might be sick or have another problem that could interfere with my work (using a multiple-choice question to reduce one-track thinking)? Supervisor: Well, I was wondering if you might need a drug screen. (Continued)


Employee: It makes total sense that you were thinking that (emphasizing past tense). You might have had to go to that extreme if my work habits or attendance had validated concerns about drug use. However, I can provide documentation that will make that expense unnecessary. Would you like to know what that is so . . . you can better understand my situation? Supervisor: Sure. Employee: The prescription I have for migraines causes weight loss, which any pharmacist in this hospital will verify, and my counselor will be glad to write a note explaining that thin people often lose weight when they are grieving a death in the family. Supervisor: Oh . . . sorry.

Although it is unlikely that this supervisor would have brought up a drug screen, the worst-case scenario was role-played to demonstrate that even the most difficult situations can be subdued. True dialogue might not be possible between a supervisor and employee because total openness and vulnerability is not an option in such a relationship, but the issues that were pertinent to the work setting were defined, and an understanding of those concerns was promoted by evoking inquiry and focusing attention. ASKING QUESTIONS THAT GIVE PEOPLE A FALSE CHOICE In addition to using questions to beget questions, queries are perfect for presenting multiple-choice options that lead to a desired outcome.

Asking Questions that Give People a False Choice

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Example 45 Sister: You’re so incredibly dense. Uncle: So do you think that your brother is dense with hardly any body fat or that he is just plain incredible?

Example 46 Husband: You may believe we’ve progressed since seeing the counselor, but I don’t think so! Wife: Are you afraid of progress, concerned you’ll jinx us if you notice something favorable, or unaware of positive changes?

Example 47 Father: I can’t believe you grew up in this town and you don’t know the origin of the name of that street! Adult daughter: Are you disappointed in me or my education?

Example 48 Mother: Someone told me you’ve been using drugs; so do you want to tell me which ones and when you started or do you want to find out about which ones I used when I was your age so . . . you will realize I can understand? These questions don’t attempt to unravel the reason for the rudeness or expose all the facts. They offer acceptable options or create a false choice, technically known as bind—Heads I win, tails


you lose. Example 45 shows how an adult can intervene in sibling bickering and begin to model the verbal arts. The father in Example 47 was given an alternative that rephrased his rebuke and offered a less indicting criticism. ASKING QUESTIONS THAT PREDICT SUCCESS It is also possible to pose the previous questions in a format that forecasts a desired outcome. The assumption of certain success is linked to a time frame—‘‘Do you know just when . . . this book will start to help you deal with difficult people?’’ Regardless of how the question is answered, there is still a covert (or forced) agreement that this book will help that places the person in a double bind.

Example 45 Uncle: How will you realize . . . it isn’t worth the effort to try . . . to be mean (implying that the brother will realize being mean is not worth the effort)?

Example 46 Wife: When will . . . you start to notice the progress . . . that we are making (implying that progress is being made)?

Example 47 Adult daughter: Are you trying to . . . enlighten me gently (implying that the father is simply making an effort to enlighten)?

Exercise

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Example 48 Mother: Do you know the easiest way . . . you can start to tell me about your drug use in your own words (implying that the son will tell)?

Evocative questions are an advanced verbal art and may require just the right tone, eye contact, and pregnant pause to plant the suggestions shown in italics. Notice that both false- and forced-choice questions have the effect of turning the spotlight back on offenders so they can begin to observe themselves. Even if this does not prompt perceptible changes, it can cause enough confusion to create close encounters of a different kind. EXERCISE The very challenging rebuke of the division director from Exercise 1 can now be revisited to consider how to approach it by asking questions.

Exercise 3 Asking Questions Directions: Think of all the ways to use questions to respond to the remark from Exercise 1. Keep the responses in the right-hand column covered until you have thought of your own. Division director: How do you expect to control your case managers when your weight shows that you have no control over yourself? (Continued)


Asking Questions To 1. Be curious 2. Avoid assumptions

3. Hidden questions 4. Prevent prying

5. Evoke inquiry

6. Evoke change a. By using false choice

b. By using forced choice

Suggested Responses And you’re bringing this up now because ...? Interesting point. Which case managers or what behaviors seem to need to be controlled? I wonder which case managers or what behaviors need more controlling. Your concern is wonderful. Have you considered putting my weight on my performance evaluation? I agree—caseload management is crucial! Would you like to know the ways I have found to encourage case managers? Are you trying to help me be even more self-disciplined or build on the strengths I already enjoy with my staff? Have you noticed how you have already helped . . . me improve staff workloads?

Because inquiry promotes openness and vulnerability, it can place someone who does not have equal status in an organization at risk. Even though the husband in Example 35 could be threatening, spouses are peers under the law. How deeply inquiry should delve is a judgment call. Therefore, when rank is involved, questions that avoid assumptions (2), prevent prying (4), and evoke inquiry (5) are first softened with compliments and agreement. Simple, curious questions (1) that provide a moment’s pause for reflection could invite a barrage of rebukes in this situation and might best be avoided. The fourth question is tricky. It violates EEOC regulations to have questions pertaining to weight on employee performance

All-Purpose Questions

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evaluations. If the division director is savvy enough to know this, asking her if she is going to reference weight on an evaluation should stop further inquisition. If she is not aware of recent rulings and did put a comment about weight on an evaluation, the program manager would have legal clout to take action against discriminatory harassment. Although possibly entrapping, this query it is not a statement in the form of a pseudoquestion—Why do you have to be such a negative person? Hidden (3), false choice (6a), and forced choice (6b) questions are generally safe without modification. However, they have been specially crafted for this division director who is considered difficult and even dangerous by many people in her company. In question 6a, the choices offered build in the assumptions that the program manager is already self-disciplined and has a good rapport with her staff. In question 6b, the prediction that the manager will improve staff workloads is tied to flattering the director—‘‘You have already helped . . . ’’ This is difficult to resist. Concocting such responses requires considerable mental gymnastics—all fruitful exercises in the quest for authentic dialogue. However, most situations are far less complex. ALL-PURPOSE QUESTIONS Four basic questions should be committed to memory to use to defuse almost any predicament: 1. Genuine question: ‘‘What is the reason you are saying this?’’ 2. Hidden question: ‘‘I wonder why you are making this comment.’’ 3. Prying prevention question: ‘‘I’d be delighted to answer, if you can tell me how this information is important.’’ 4. Inquiry evoking question: ‘‘Do you want to know my reasons?’’


Asking questions is the one verbal art that does not require teaching. It is simply a matter of using the curiosity that caused you to ask, ‘‘Why is the sky blue?’’ and countless other questions when you were little. You can now ponder one of the most perplexing problems of all time: ‘‘Why are humans intentionally cruel to each other?’’ This focus on understanding readies the mind for the third verbal art—active listening.

CHAPTER 4

Active Listening—The Art of Understanding

You seldom listen to me, and when you do, you don’t hear, and when you do hear, you hear wrong, and even when you hear right, you change it so fast that it’s never the same. —Marjorie Kellogg

These lines, written by the author of Tell Me That You Love Me, Junie Moon (1968), illustrate the challenge of communication. Confucius said, ‘‘I hear and I forget . . . I do and I understand.’’ Perhaps he appreciated the idea that listening needs to be an active process. The action of rephrasing clarifies the point of another person’s statement. It helps people say what they mean and pushes listeners to dig to the core of the message. Metaphrasing puts your words in other peoples’ mouths, saying what you think they should have said— ‘‘When you do hear, you hear wrong.’’ Even though you may disagree with others, by feeding their points back to them, you will know exactly where the disparity lies. Instead of exercising the art of understanding, people are often advised to assert themselves. Telling people, ‘‘I don’t like it when you talk to me like that,’’ often gives bullies just the payoff they

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52 Active Listening—The Art of Understanding

want. Showing offenders that you understand their feelings or agenda through active listening causes a verbal paralysis. People who are angry are trying to blame others. Rephrasing, labeling emotions (‘‘I guess you feel . . . ’’), and validating feelings douses their fieriest furor, making explanations unnecessary.

Example 49 Emergency room doctor: (Yelling) I cannot believe it took you 45 minutes to get to this hospital to do a psychological evaluation. That’s totally unacceptable and unprofessional. Psychologist: You sound absolutely distraught (labeling feeling). It’s good that you care deeply about your patients (giving a compliment).

HOW LISTENING BECAME ACTIVE If active listening has an origin, the credit can be given to Carl Rogers. In the 1940s, he split from analysts who gave interpretations. With his single-point (nondirective) method, he simply reflected the emotional content of a communication. If a client (not patient) said, ‘‘I don’t think we’ve been making any progress since my wife and I have been seeing you’’ (Example 46), his sentiment would be mirrored with the response: ‘‘Are you feeling hopeless and frustrated about the chance for improvement?’’ To be effective, therapists must have three qualities: (1) the ability to empathize or feel what their clients feel, (2) the willingness to respect and have unconditional positive regard for their clients, and (3) the honesty to make reflections in a way that is congruent with their own inner experiences.

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The parenting skills movement seized on this new psychological method and began using the term active listening to teach people how to be more effective with their children. Martin Buber certainly recognized active listening, which he identified as the practice of rephrasing and focusing on the feelings of the message. In 1957, a meeting was arranged between Carl Rogers and Martin Buber when they were 59 and 79, respectively. It appears that Rogers wanted validation that his client-centered therapy might contain I-Thou moments in which genuine dialogue occurred. Buber thought this was not possible—‘‘Full mutuality does not exist between therapists and their clients and as long as that relationship continues to occur in the context of therapy . . . they engage in an (unequal) dialogue bound by tragedy’’ (Kramer, 2003). Furthermore, Buber made a distinction between empathy, in which people experience (and reflect) another person’s pain while giving up their sense of themselves, and dialogue.

Obedient Listening Buber believed that true meetings between people involved ‘‘boldly swinging’’ between surrendering to others’ experiences and one’s own reality. This is an actionless action (from the Taoist term wu wei) that people undertake and which undertakes them. Although this paradoxical language can be difficult to understand, it is clear that Buber was communicating something more than Rogers’s reflective listening. In addition to imagining and expressing the other side, it involves a willingness to change while standing firm and yielding to dialogue. Notice how the daughter in Example 50 maintains her balance on a razor’s edge between her own feelings (underlined) and her father’s (UPPERCASE).


Example 50 Father: (Kisses adult daughter on her lips.) Adult daughter: Does it feel weird to kiss me on my lips at my age (asks a question to open dialogue)? Father: Oh, so you don’t love me enough to kiss me! Daughter: It seems like your feelings of REJECTION override any weirdness I feel. Father: But I’ve always kissed you on your lips. Daughter: I guess you’re CONFUSED that I feel strange since it’s taken me many years to speak up. Father: You shouldn’t have waited so long. Are you trying to get me in trouble with your mother or make some ridiculous charge? Daughter: Do you SUSPECT that the only reason why I would tell you I’m uncomfortable is to cause you problems? Father: Well is there another reason for bringing it up after all these years? Daughter: Are you sure you want to . . . understand my feelings . . . about what affection seems right to me (evocative question)? Father: Uh, . . . that’s what I’m asking. Daughter: And I truly appreciate that . . . you are asking me (returning with a compliment and creating impatience to focus attention). . . . I’d be more comfortable if you only kissed me on my cheek; it feels like a date to me when you kiss me on my lips. Father: So now you’re saying I’m some kind of pervert—wanting to date my own daughter! Daughter: I guess you’re AFRAID that I have awful feelings toward you. Father: That’s what you said!


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Daughter: When I said it feels like a date to me, did you FEEL ACCUSED of something depraved? Father: Isn’t that what you did? Daughter: Good, so . . . you do want to know . . . if I was accusing you of something, or if I’ve just started to have confused feelings since I’ve begun going out with guys (evocative question)? Father: Okay, I get it.

After reflecting her father’s feelings of rejection, confusion, and suspicion, her father finally showed a modicum of interest in her experience, and the conversation took a dialogical turn. Rather than directly answering his question, she interposed further inquiry, compliments, and embedded suggestions to help him transition into the role of genuine listening—a task that is foreign to him. Her father’s switch back to a defensive posture is not surprising since he is being asked to give up (at the very least) ageinappropriate displays of affection. As soon as she detected that he was ‘‘listening without hearing,’’ she did an about-face, concentrated intently on his feelings of fear and persecution, and waited for him to feel sufficiently understood to ask a question to evoke inquiry. Buber’s obedient listening involved (1) turning toward the other with one’s full body, mind, and spirit; (2) imagining what the other is thinking, feeling, and perceiving; (3) asking meaning-directed questions; (4) confirming the other’s present stance and his or her direction of movement into the future; (5) attending both to what is said and to what is not said; and (6) allowing responses to spontaneously emerge from each person’s here-and-now coparticipation (Kramer, 2003).


Obedient listening comes as much from a determined spirit as from a set of acquired skills. The resolve of the daughter in Example 50 to understand her father’s convoluted stance and allow movement toward greater comprehension is more suggestive of obedient than active listening.

Amazing Mirror Mind Although Rogers may be the modern-day author of active listening, 2,500 years ago his reflective approach was mentioned in the Taoist book Tao Te Ching (Lao Tzu, 1972 edition) when it cautions the sage to ‘‘clean the dark mirror of his mind, so that it reflects without intent.’’ Making Hostile Words Harmless repeatedly encourages the use of the ‘‘mirror mind that reflects but does not absorb’’—allowing the daughter in Example 50 to be attentive, focused, and unharmed by her father’s worst words. Notice how unkind comments can be mirrored with active listening, which keeps the spotlight pointed toward adversaries and their (italicized) emotions.

Example 51 Relative: Your daughter called and said she has cancer and that you are not even coming to take care of her. Mother: You sound quite concerned and intent on rousing me to action. Relative: Exactly! Mother: I’m proud of the way my daughter wins support for herself (compliment given). Maybe you’ll become so worried you will travel 300 miles to make sure her husband is taking proper care of her (reverse psychology).


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Example 52 Husband: You’re a slut of a wife! I know you are running around on me. Wife: I guess you’re totally disgusted with and distrustful of me. Husband: I know you don’t love me and that you sneak around on me! Wife: I wonder if you feel abandoned when you think that. Husband: (Not wanting to agree) Forget it.

Example 53 Wife: Where have you been (accusatory tone)? Husband: Were you worrying about my safety or suspecting I was with another woman? Wife: You probably were with another woman! Husband: I imagine you are distraught by my past betrayal and play it over and over in your mind. I understand because sometimes I’m plagued by thoughts of things you’ve admitted to me. I imagine we could both sink ourselves with worry if we let ourselves.

Although questions are used in some of these responses, the focus is on pointing out the emotional content of troubling communication. Simply noting the relative’s concerns in Example 51 would have been sufficient, but by using compliments and reverse psychology, family dynamics were exposed without the mother becoming defensive or explaining her lack of action. Examples 52 and 53 portray all-to-common (justified and unjustified) jealousy scenarios. Most spouses believe questions and


accusations born of mistrust are unwarranted and become angry. Others feel obliged to reassure their partners or defend themselves. Both tactics avoid the underlying issue of insecurity, which is neither right nor wrong but is simply the source of vulnerability for many people. Turning the spotlight on apprehension and doubt turns mountains back into molehills. THERAPEUTIC TRIANGLES—REFLECT HARSH WORDS AWAY FROM TARGETS Mirroring emotions is an especially effective technique when intervening on the behalf of others as the uncle did in Example 45. Parents often feel helpless when they hear spouses berate their children or are frustrated by unending sibling word warfare. Therapeutic triangles were described by the renowned family therapist Peggy Papp. She created a conflict between the therapist and an unseen expert. This freed clients from resisting their therapist by proving the expert’s predictions of doom wrong (Papp, 1983). Positive speaking creates a different kind of therapeutic triangle by labeling the feelings that underlie critics’ orders and insults and reflecting them away from the target. This brings the process to a grinding halt without taking sides. Speaking directly to aggressors and telling them to stop is rarely effective and often has a backlash. Harsh words may continue when the protector is not present. Speaking kindly about aggressors in front of them to the victim increases awareness and promotes change in all parties.

Example 54 Stepfather: Sonny, would you stop acting like a dunce and help your mother more!

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Mother (to son): I know it sounds like your dad is frustrated with you, but he is actually upset because he demands so much of himself as a parent.

Example 55 Mother: Missy, chew with your mouth closed and don’t use your fingers! Father: Your mother is desperately trying to help you. Maybe we won’t have to send you to finishing school after all. Mother: Keep your elbows off the table. Father: See what I mean—Look how anxious she is about your table manners.

Example 56 Brother (to sister): You’re getting so fat that my friends won’t even look at you. Father (to sister): Maybe your brother likes to point out anything he can find wrong in others to let off steam or to keep from feeling bad about himself. Brother: I do not feel bad about myself. Father: It’s wonderful that . . . you are self-confident (compliment given)—but puzzling—secure people usually do not put others down (evoking contemplation). NARRATING BEHAVIOR AND DICTION The mirror mind does not only reflect feelings but feeds back process and interaction as well. Behavior can be narrated in a


blow-by-blow description in the style of a sportscaster—‘‘Namath just passed the ball to Sauer. . . . He’s running for a touchdown but he’s been tackled on the 15th . . . ’’ Similarly, the types of discourse can also be recounted—orders, warnings, guesses, assumptions, accusations, memories, plans, and so on. This heightens peoples’ awareness of what they are doing and sends the message that they have been caught in the act. This can have an arresting effect. Behaviors and thought processes are italicized in the following examples.

Example 57 Brother-in-law: (Has become sloppy and grabby after several drinks.) Sister-in-law: You’ve got my arm in a tight handlock. Now you’ve moved to my forearm but your other arm is still draped around my shoulder. It’s amazing how it wraps itself around people without asking permission—just assuming that everyone is eager to provide an armrest. Husband: Okay Bud, that’s enough.

Example 58 Guy friend: You’re so book smart, but you don’t really know anything. Response: I see you don’t want to stop picking on me . . . oops, now you’re pointing out my lack of automotive expertise.

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Example 59 Husband: You need to be more organized. If only you would make lists, get the kids to do their chores on time, and on and on. Wife: I think so far you’ve given me four specific recommendations, which I will certainly consider, but I think I see another suggestion forming in your mind even as I speak, which, strangely, makes me feel weary.

Example 60 Meditation teacher: Your writing would be more authentic if you meditated. Author: You suppose that I’m not quite in touch with myself when I write, and you advise that I meditate first. The woman in Example 57 had complained about her brother-inlaw’s behavior countless times and asserted herself, only to be told she was whiny and witchy. Providing an instant replay opened her husband’s eyes and even lessened intoxicated groping. The wife in Example 59 included her own reactions in her narration (becoming weary) to further increase her husband’s awareness of the process. The meditation enthusiast in Example 60 was probably unaware that he was evangelizing for his cause and making assumptions about writing he had never read. NAMING THE GAME Another form of narrating is called naming the game described by Sam Horn in her book Tongue Fu (1996). Once a tactic is exposed, it is


Case Story: Elizabeth Elizabeth and her husband were about to seal the deal on a historic home they were buying. But the final inspection had found a major glitch: The wiring needed to be brought up to code, which could cost over $10,000. Everyone’s jaw dropped when the seller’s Realtor turned to the inspector and said, ‘‘I’m sure your findings can be adjusted. My friend from ABC Electric owes me a favor. I’ll have her send one of her servicemen over.’’ The inspector refused her request, and without missing a beat, Elizabeth’s Realtor stepped in, deftly cautioning her colleague, ‘‘I know you have a stellar reputation with our local board (golden lie), but asking an inspector to make adjustments could look suspicious. I’m sure you want to avoid any possible future legal action.’’ The chance of fraudulent action was bypassed, giving all parties time to think of the next step they would take to deal with this home-buying debacle. no longer effective. Saying, ‘‘I wonder if you’re trying to rush me into a decision, put me in the middle, or ask me for a free drink’’ reveals unsavory actions. The responsible party’s only choice is to admit guilt or stop those behaviors. FILIAL THERAPY NARRATIONS Narrating is a form of meditation where attention is purposefully directed and extraneous thoughts are blocked. Blow-by-blow descriptions have the amazing effect of encouraging desirable behavior and subduing unwanted action. Even nondirective commentary on children’s play activity creates a container for intense involvement in their experience.

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Case Story: Filial Therapy Narration (N = Narration; LS = Limit setting) Adult: You’re bouncing the ball, . . . one, . . . two, . . . three times, and then you throw it to me. You’re waiting to see how many times I’ll bounce it . . . and, oops, you reached out your arms but the ball slides right through . . . but you’re chasing after it so quickly. Now you’ve got it in you’re hands, and you’re looking at something in the sandy grass (N). Child: What is it? Adult: You want to know what it is (N). It looks like a pile of red ants to me, so it’s fine to look, but they will bite if you touch them (LS). You are just watching and watching, and getting up. And, my goodness, look at you stomping those ants; making sure they are dead (N). But even though your shoes are sturdy, if one crawled up on top and over your sock it could bite your skin, so I think we should back away and stomp and shake you legs to make sure all the ants are off (LS). Child: Bad bugs! Bad Bugs! Adult: You thought the ants were bad so you stomped them, and you look so proud of yourself (N). Could there be another reason for them to bite and sting instead of being bad (LS)? Child: I don’t know. What? Adult: Maybe they bite and sting to protect their tiny ant town (LS). Child: You said pile, you didn’t say ant town! Adult: You sound pretty mad at me because maybe you didn’t want to hurt the ants’ town. So you’re turning your back and bouncing the ball. You must care a lot about the ant town to be so mad. Bouncing a ball can let anger out. Maybe you think hurts should never happen. Oh, now you’re turning around and bouncing the ball to me (N).


In this case, the parent puts the child’s feelings, thoughts, and actions into words without questioning, teaching, or praising while gently setting limits. This concentrated, undivided parental attention is recommended to take place in 30-minute sessions of entirely childled play. Such focused mirroring does not dictate normative family interactions. As the subtitle of Dr. VanFleet’s book on Filial Therapy suggests, it does Strengthen Parent-Child Relationships through Play. Children who engage in filial sessions are said to understand their own feelings better and improve verbal expression. Likewise, parents develop listening skills and increase confidence. Perhaps, more important, narrating play is an opportunity for adults to practice meditation that strengthens their mirror minds and to experience some intimate, I-Thou moments of genuinely meeting their children where they are. REFINEMENT OF ACTIVE LISTENING If Rogers’s reflective responses could help parent-child relationships become more intimate, it is no wonder that marital therapists embraced this communication skill and brought it into their consultation offices. Harville Hendrix, in particular, has made it the centerpiece of his treatment in which couples mutually heal their childhood wounds. According to Hendrix, people pick spouses based on a composite image (imago) of caretakers’ positive and negative traits. This unconscious choice is made to pursue unmet childhood needs. To break the cycle of selecting the person least likely to provide vital nurturing, partners are made aware of their agenda. The situation is remedied through a three-step intentional dialogue, which provides the ultimate connection that claims to transcend separateness and promote genuine meeting on an emotional level. Like Rogers’s reflective approach, the first step is called mirroring, but actually paraphrases what has been said in other words—‘‘I hear you saying . . . ’’ There is no need to capture emotional content at this

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point. In the second step, the listener validates the other person’s subjective experience—‘‘That makes sense because . . . ’’ It is important to use the speaker’s emotional logic even if it seems unreasonable. In the all-important third step, the listener empathizes. This requires imagining what the other person is feeling and capturing it with the words—‘‘I guess you feel . . . ’’ The word empathy comes from the root words em (Latin)—to see through and pathy (Greek)—the eyes of another. During every step of the process, the listener asks clarifying questions to make sure his or her paraphrasing, validating, and empathizing is accurate—‘‘Is my understanding correct?’’ Sympathy is an easy and powerful fourth maneuver. This is not an apology in which one person takes responsibility for another’s feelings. Sympathy adds compassion to what others are feeling. It is stated—‘‘It must be awful to feel . . . ’’ rather than, ‘‘I’m sorry you feel . . . ’’ ACTIVE LISTENING ADD-ONS The only difficulty with active listening is that it can be difficult to use with people who talk nonstop. Before you can paraphrase one point, they’ve gone on to the next. You become bleary eyed and begin to tune out the monologue. Pressured speech can result from attention deficit disorders or a bipolar manic phase. But, in most cases, it is simply produced from the habit of overexplaining out of a desperate need to be understood, which often results in the opposite effect. In his book Verbal Judo, George Thompson recommends using a ‘‘sword of insertion’’ when people overtalk. An explicative like, ‘‘Whoa!’’ ‘‘Hold on!’’ or ‘‘Wait a second!’’ is followed by ‘‘Let me make sure I understand this much . . . ’’ Repeat as often as necessary until the person catches on to the rhythm of dialogue. This may sound like work, but it is far more interesting than being the victim of a rambling tirade. Use the person’s name when interrupting, make a time-out sign, or wave your hands. Summarize what has


been said and, if necessary, bow out with a friendly phrase—‘‘I’m glad you brought this to my attention’’ (Horn, 1996). Active writing is another excellent way to keep people from rambling or repeating. Just say, ‘‘I’m having trouble getting everything you’re saying, let me write it down. . . . Oh, I’ve got that point right here, what’s next?’’ This forces people to decelerate their verbiage. Taking notes also works well with foul language. Whether family or random strangers start cursing, pull out a small notepad and pencil and ask them to repeat what they said. Service personnel do not want improper language documented, and if family members ask what you’re doing, just answer, ‘‘What do you think?’’ and let them stew (Horn, 1996). One common active listening add-on should never be used. Metaphrasing puts your words in someone else’s mouth by interpreting his or her thoughts (Thompson, 1993). In Examples 58 through 60, notice how the friend, wife, and author sneak in a point of their own n meta phrasing). (italicized) instead of accurately rephrasing (

Example 58 Guy friends: You’re so book smart, but you don’t really know anything. n You’re saying everything I’ve learned by staying Response: in school is meaningless.

Example 59 Husband: You need to be more organized. If only you would make lists, get the kids to do their chores on time, and on and on. n It sounds like it is difficult for you to appreciate all the Wife: things I do around here.

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Example 60 Meditation teacher: Your writing would be more authentic if you meditated. n It would be difficult for you to value my work since Author: you haven’t even read it.

ACTIVE LISTENING FOR EMPOWERMENT The intent of active listening in the verbal arts differs from the communication skills taught in couples counseling. There is no expectation of reciprocity or pretense to help others and ‘‘heal their wounds.’’ The purpose is to empower a person’s faculties of observation so that they can deal with anyone who is under the influence of alcohol, anger, anxiety, or ignorance. A spouse’s lack of compassion is an opportunity to practice rephrasing, validating, empathizing, and sympathizing with a person who is ‘‘temporarily insane.’’ Sources abound to help you obtain understanding from friends and family who can lend their support and objectivity. However, the three steps of Hendrix’s dance (plus sympathizing) offer the mirror mind the option to reflect without absorbing:

Example 61 Husband (to the family dog): You’re lazy like your momma. Wife: Are you hinting that I don’t do enough in spite of my arthritis (rephrasing)? Husband: No, I know you’re in a lot of pain—I was just making a joke. (Continued)


Wife: It makes sense that you would joke because I know you don’t like to express feelings (validating), and I imagine it is frustrating for you to carry so much of the household burden and scary to see me degenerate like your father did (empathizing).

Example 62 Mother: We didn’t raise you this way (Example 3)! Adult daughter: Are you reminding me not to have sex before marriage (paraphrasing)? Mother: Indeed! Daughter: That is an important value to you, and it makes sense that my behavior would be offensive (validating). I guess you are disappointed in me, feel helpless to do anything about my ‘‘immorality,’’ and embarrassed by my behavior (empathizing). That must be hard for you (sympathizing).

Example 63 Adult stepdaughter: When you said you were more comfortable staying at my brother’s house, you implied that I am not a good hostess (Example 33). Stepmother: The statement that your father and I are more comfortable at your brother’s suggested to you that you or your house is lacking something (paraphrasing). Stepdaughter: That and the fact that you spend more time with him. How could I conclude anything else?

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Stepmother: Putting the time element and comfort comment together is proof that we are dissatisfied with you in some way (continued rephrase). Stepdaughter: Right. Stepmother: It makes sense that the comment that we are more comfortable at your brother’s would sound critical, especially since we are at his home more often (validating). I imagine you felt belittled (empathizing). That must have felt awful (sympathizing)! Stepdaughter: That’s exactly how I felt! So, why are you more comfortable at my brother’s house? The stepdaughter in Example 63 was able to begin to engage in dialogue (after a 2-year estrangement) because of her intellect and personal growth experiences. The parent in Example 62 may have to cross too great a generational divide to be willing to understand her daughter’s lifestyle, but the power of reflective listening to rebound rebukes may render this mother less inclined to scold. The husband in Example 61 may not have the willingness to face his painful feelings about his father’s incapacitation, which causes him to express that pain by covertly striking out at his wife. However, with the verbal arts, she can continue to contain his jabs and see through them. Whether empathy transcends separateness is open to debate, but it does take immense concentration to imagine someone else’s experience as they felt it. The beauty of Hendrix’s three steps is that rephrasing is doable and buys time to make the shift into another’s reality. This altered state is worthwhile for the listener, even if efforts are not reciprocated. Active listening requires putting your own agenda and preconceived notions aside to truly hear what someone else is saying. It usually takes multiple efforts to paraphrase, validate, and identify feelings before others believe they have been understood.


Example 64 Friend: I know you’re lying about what really happened. Response: You’re totally convinced that I’m holding out on you (rephrase). Friend: People who were there told me what you did. Response: So you’re in the difficult position of listening to what other people are telling you or believing what I’m saying (rephrase and sympathy). Friend: Why should I believe you when so many people are talking? Response: It makes more sense to you to believe what a lot of people are saying than to take a chance on trusting me to be honest (rephrase and empathy). Friend: I know you’re lying through your teeth! Response: I can understand why you would blow off our friendship if you think I’m lying to you (validation). Friend: I can’t stand liars. Response: The last thing you want is a friend you can’t trust (rephrase and empathy). Friend: Why don’t you just explain to me how your story could be right? Response: It would be a lot easier if I could prove what I was saying. Then you would not have to take my word on faith (rephrase). Friend: Why should I take your word on faith? Response: You want me to keep explaining my side so you can get to the bottom of things (rephrase). Friend: Well, what am I supposed to do? Response: You think your only choice is to figure out what really happened (rephrase).

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Friend: Maybe I’ll just say I don’t want to hear anymore BS because I wasn’t there. Response: So you figured out another option that would get you out of the middle and out of the rumor mill (rephrase). It would take a very mature person to keep paraphrasing, labeling feelings, validating, and sympathizing without giving in to the temptation to answer questions, make retorts, or blow off the relationship. Explanations can be endless, and efforts to convince degrading. When one or two attempts to justify prove fruitless, switch to reflecting. Although this dialogue had a positive outcome, active listening carries no guarantees other than exercising the responder’s ability to fathom feelings and echo distress without absorbing it. The diligence needed to display such a feat of understanding does require practice. EXERCISE Although this skill may never be perfected, just a few incidents of active listening are opportunities for empowerment, even with the dangerous division director from Exercises 1 and 3:

Exercise 4 Active Listening Directions: Use rephrasing, validating, empathizing, and sympathizing to reflect the remark in Exercise 1. Keep the responses in the right-hand column covered, until you have thought of your own. Division director: How do you expect to control your case managers when your weight shows that you have no control over yourself? (Continued)

72 Active Listening—The Art of Understanding Active Listening Tactics

Suggested Responses

Paraphrasing/narrating

You’re wondering if there is a connection between the way I control my food intake and my administrative skills. You’re assuming that people who are overweight have poor administrative skills (assuming has a negative connotation). I can understand why you have concerns because self control is an important value for you. I imagine you doubt my administrative abilities because of your concerns about weight. It must be difficult for you to . . . be as supportive of me as you’d like to . . . when you have these concerns.

n Metaphrasing

Validating Empathizing/reflecting Sympathizing

The usual leads for a paraphrasing response (‘‘It sounds like you’re saying . . . ’’ ‘‘Are you saying . . . ’’) are not offered because they can sound like pseudocounseling and put people on guard. Narrating a person’s verbal process has a more natural tone— ‘‘You’re saying, wondering, pointing out, recommending, remembering, hinting, suggesting, wanting, thinking, figuring, reminding me . . . ’’ The (boldface) leads for rephrasing, validating, reflecting, and sympathizing sound conversational. When committed to memory, they can be intentionally spoken and trigger spontaneous comments that capture a person’s meaning. Sympathizing creates the opportunity to slip in a suggestion. Metaphrasing is not recommended because it sneaks in a point that the division director is generalizing and could cause repercussions. These responses do not have to be used in one-two-three order. Any one them is a demonstration of understanding that could quell this difficult division director in her mission to humiliate people. Each one enhances powers of observation. In addition to memorizing the leads for active listening responses, one simple reflection

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will work for almost any disturbing comment—‘‘It sounds like you have issues.’’ ADVANTAGES OF ACTIVE LISTENING Hendrix’s active listening process and even simple mirroring can seem artificial and arduous. Acting-as-if techniques or asking questions may be easier routes to disarming, containing, or throwing bullies off balance. However, showing understanding has five key advantages: 1. Promotes listening: The only time some people pay attention is when they are checking to see if someone is rephrasing them accurately—‘‘You’re feeling X because Y’’ (Thompson & Jenkins, 2004). Repeated paraphrases model listening skills and encourage others to do the same. You can also ask for a rephrase—‘‘I don’t know if I’m making sense . . . Would you tell me my point?’’ 2. Helps people gain insight: Without telling them to change, active listening helps people gain insight about themselves. ‘‘When you say you’re the man and can do whatever you want, I guess you’re afraid that I’ll forget how powerful you are’’ (Example 35). Even in the most extreme cases, showing understanding slows down the situation and provides a chance to think of options or a getaway plan. 3. Absorbs tension: When people are angry, it is the quickest way to reduce the pressure in the situation. Identifying feelings helps others gain control of their emotions—‘‘You sound absolutely distraught’’ (Example 49). Difficult people are put in the bind of either having to agree (which they do not want to do) or contain themselves. Slight shifts in mood can be promoted— ‘‘It’s good to know you’re just concerned and not upset.’’


Saying, ‘‘It makes sense that . . . because . . . ’’ demonstrates a nonjudgmental attitude and helps others be less defensive and attacking. 4. Uncovers underlying issues: If you have an ongoing relationship with someone who is attacking, active listening can help uncover the underlying issues. Although you may have to ask questions first, eventually, show the other person that you understand his or her point. Keep rephrasing what has been said (‘‘Are you saying, thinking, suggesting, wondering, . . . ’’) until you get a nod of understanding. The more you know about a person, the better your chance of pinpointing disagreements and resolving them. 5. Puts the spotlight back on antagonists: ‘‘I guess you feel rejected . . . . I can understand why you’d feel confused . . . .’’ (Example 50). ‘‘I imagine you have doubts because of your concerns’’ (Exercise 4). The same curiosity used to ask questions is turned up a notch in active listening to help people imagine the real meaning behind thoughtless remarks. This act of meditating on someone else is surprisingly calming. Trying to convince without first understanding others is wasteful and weakening. Suggesting the feelings behind thoughtless remarks leads to the next verbal art in the hypnotic realm where hidden hints and humor help people recover their true human decency.

CHAPTER 5

Hypnosis and Humor—The Art of Evoking

When I was a young boy with the weather below zero, my father led a calf out of the barn to the water trough. After the calf had satisfied its thirst, they turned back to the barn, but at the doorway, the calf stubbornly braced its feet, and despite my father’s desperate pulling on the halter, he could not budge the animal. I was outside playing in the snow and, observing the impasse, began laughing heartily. My father challenged me to pull the calf into the barn. . . . I seized the calf by the tail, pulling it away from the barn, while my father continued to pull it inward. The calf promptly chose to resist the weaker of the two forces and dragged me into the barn. —Adapted from Erickson and Rossi, Varieties of Double Bind, A story from Milton Erickson’s boyhood

Could this child prodigy of hypnosis have induced some sort of animal trance by creating resistance? Hypnosis is a confusing term. It comes from the Greek word hypnos, which means sleep. It is often used synonymously with the word trance which can cause deep relaxation, memory recall, pain suppression, time distortions, and so on. However, unlike the alpha waves found during meditation, a consistent pattern of brain waves has not been identified with hypnosis. It may be more useful to think of hypnosis as the evocation of involuntary experiences (O’Hanlon & 75

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Martin, 1992)—like prompting a stubborn calf to return to the barn. It is assumed that people contain within them a repertoire of calming responses and constructive social skills. Therefore, deep relaxation or alternatives to verbal attacks can be evoked, rather than taught. MODERN HYPNOTHERAPY Milton Erickson (1902–1980) is considered the father of modern hypnotherapy, which is informal, flexible, and permissive. His approach defies the traditional conception of hypnosis in which power and control is gained over another person’s mind. Much like narrative, reflective listening (Examples 57 through 64), Erickson began with video talk, which involved telling the truth (truisms) about and validating whatever a person was doing as appropriate. Then the focus of attention was narrowed toward a desired change through the use of sophisticated linguistic predictions, forced choices, power words, confusion, and embedded suggestions. Not knowing how to help a three-year-old girl who was eating substances unfit for human consumption like paint and cleaning products, her therapist began engaging her in a hypnotic narrative simply to pry her from her foster mother’s arms.

Case Story: Hypnotic Narration You’re holding so tightly to your mom. . . . Feel how your arms can squeeze her closer and closer and how you can bury your head in her chest because you don’t . . . dare to even . . . peek at this office or at me (embedded serial suggestion). . . . But sometimes your head can surprise you (truism) when it turns just a

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little bit and then turns back (validation) . . . and you wonder what it is going to do next (prediction), because you don’t know . . . just how you . . . will start looking around (forced choice). . . . And you can look out and look back and look out (truism/serial suggestion) until you’re sure . . . it is safe (suggestion) because you don’t want to loosen your hold even when you do (false choice, confusion).

This hypnotic patter continued for more than 30 minutes, until the child dramatically shifted from clinging to playfully exploring the office and batting her eyelashes flirtatiously. The counselor merely thought she had just managed to bond with a fearful child, but at the next session, her foster mother reported that the eating disorder had ceased. Apparently, narrating and validating checked compulsive habits; by saying, ‘‘You’re holding so tightly . . . ’’ and evoking change with the words, ‘‘You don’t . . . dare to peek . . . ,’’ new behavior patterns were liberated. Like dominoes, other areas of the child’s life were affected. Compare the previous anecdote with the Filial Therapy Narration in Chapter 4. The latter merely describes details of play and sets limits without attempting to lead in any direction. The hypnotic narrative elicited spontaneity that has been suppressed by a bizarre eating ritual. This is reminiscent of Buber’s obedient listening in which both the present stance of others and their direction of movement into the future are confirmed. There is no attempt to make people comply with commands, but instead, to elicit the potential that lies within. It is not necessary to master all the forms of hypnotic language to make a compilation of verbal arts complete. First, it is surprising to . . . discover that you know . . . what you think you do not know.


HYPNOTIC BASICS IN THE VERBAL ARTS Proponents of hypnosis in the nineteenth century believed that it worked purely by the power of suggestion. Straightforward recommendations like—’’Close your eyes’’ or ‘‘It is good to hear both sides of the story’’—might be blocked by controlling, critical thoughts. Instead, the verbal arts have given countless examples of how to embed suggestions or introduce an idea in a vague or ambiguous manner. Such hints can bypass the intentional (conscious) mind and summon the knowing, automatic (unconscious) mind—’’How will you first notice that . . . your eyes want to close’’ or ‘‘I wonder why you would not . . . want to hear both sides of the argument.’’ Previous examples of embedded suggestions were given in examples on speaking things as you want them and asking questions. Notice how pregnant pauses ( . . . ) and special intonations can set subtle insinuations apart.

Example 11 Friend: I’m glad you’re not like my aunt and that . . . you can focus on others’ assets.

Example 29 Parent: I wonder why you’re not ready to . . . introduce me to your friends.

Example 33 Stepmother: I wonder if you know how . . . we will find a way to put past slights behind us.

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If covert suggestions are the first tenet of hypnosis, predictions are the second—’’No matter how tense you are at this moment, you can become ever more calm and still inside.’’ A desired outcome is depicted and the door is opened to possibilities. This can be done even if no change has occurred whatsoever.

Example 9 Sister: I’m glad . . . you’re becoming confident in my ability to care for Mom.

Example 10 Wife: I appreciate how you’ve started to . . . become less critical lately. ADVANCED HYPNOTIC PATTERNS Many famous anthropologists, linguists, and psychologists in Erickson’s day studied transcripts of his work to decipher the verbal patterns he was using so others could replicate the ‘‘Milton Model’’ of hypnosis. Several of these have already been presented.

Truisms The introduction to this book gave an example of using a truism versus common, everyday commands and demands. Demand: ‘‘Don’t ever lie to me again!’’ Truism: ‘‘Even when you’re afraid of my reaction you can . . . always tell me the truth.’’


Truisms are statements of fact that are hard to deny. In hypnotic literature, they are said to be easily accepted by the mind, while demands provoke resistance. It is easy to embed suggestions in truisms. Can you find the hidden hint in the previous statement? The words, ‘‘tell me the truth,’’ are a command, but when they are subtly slipped into a sentence they have special influence.

False Choice—Binds Hypnotists employ myriad ways to make suggestions. They presume that something is going to happen and then speculate on all the ways that it might occur—‘‘I don’t know how you will first notice becoming entranced . . . ’’ ‘‘Will you feel calmer, more still, or sense a pleasant heaviness, lightness, or total detachment?’’ This is an inclusive language that covers many possibilities. The chapter on asking questions described binds that suggested alternatives to people, and which sound different but are virtually the same, giving people the illusion of choice.

Example 45 Uncle: Do you think that your brother is dense and has hardly any body fat, or that he is just plain incredible?

Example 46 Wife: Are you afraid of progress, concerned you’ll jinx us if you notice something favorable, or unaware of positive changes we’re making in therapy?


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Example 47 Adult daughter: Are you disappointed in me or my education (for not knowing the origin of a street’s name)?

Example 48 Mother: Do you want to tell me which drugs you’re using or do you want to find out which ones I used at your age so that . . . you will realize I can understand?

Example 46 offers the husband different angels from which to view his inability to recognize progress. The more ways you can define success, the more responsive a person will be to suggestion. In Example 47, the daughter utilized her father’s disappointment in her and suggested a more acceptable choice of displacing it on her education. Forced Choice—Double Binds Instead of a false choice, a double bind forces agreement. A yes/no question is linked to an assumption that a desired change is happening—‘‘Do you know exactly what you are learning from this book?’’ Any answer implies that you are learning.

Example 45 Uncle: Do you know that . . . you’ve realized it isn’t worth the effort to be mean?


Example 46 Wife: I wonder when you will notice what progress we have started to make or how . . . we’re improving?

Example 47 Adult daughter: Do you know that . . . you already know that I’m pretty smart . . . even though you’re a good father who worries about my memory.

Example 48 Mother: Have you thought of how . . . you will start to tell me about your drug use? Even a negative answer to these four questions helps the person step past his or her habit of being mean, contrary, critical, or noncompliant. Example 46 employs a hidden (I-wonder) question to plant confident ideas in her contrary husband’s mind and allows little opportunity for a response of any kind. A good therapy trick after a particularly difficult session is to ask—‘‘Do you know how . . . counseling helped you today?’’ Although people have the option to say they don’t know how counseling helped (still implying that it did help), almost always they will verbalize something they gained. Underlying Assumptions Instead of offering false choices or forced agreements, the following questions were asked in a way that linked a particular time frame to


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an underlying assumption. Unlike a double bind, the person is not forced to agree. These rhetorical questions simply predict success.

Example 45 Uncle: When will you realize . . . it isn’t worth the effort to try . . . to be mean (assumes that the brother will realize being mean is not worth the effort)?

Example 46 Wife: When will . . . you start to notice the progress . . . that we are making (assumes that the husband will start to notice progress)?

Example 47 Adult daughter: Are you trying to . . . enlighten me gently (assumes that the father is simply making an effort to enlighten)?

Example 48 Mother: Do you know the easiest way . . . you can start to tell me about your drug use in your own words (assumes that that the son will tell)?


Implied Directives Underlying assumptions can be made slightly more powerful by identifying an easy, almost involuntary, behavior for people to make as soon as they are ready to comply with an implied directive (italics) to succeed.

Example 45 Uncle: When you realize . . . it isn’t worth the effort to try to be mean . . . you can blink your eyes a couple of times.

Example 46 Wife: When . . . you remember one sign of our progress . . . you can go ahead and check to see if I’m showing cleavage.

Example 47 Adult daughter: When you . . . realize I’m still pretty smart even if I don’t know the origin of a street name . . . you can nod your head yes or no.

Example 48 Mother: When . . . you know you can tell me about your drug use . . . you’ll probably notice making a slight sigh.


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Serial Suggestions A serial suggestion is the opposite of an implied directive. It starts with a currently occurring or involuntary behavior and links it to a more difficult task.

Example 28 Parent: The more you roll your eyes, the better . . . you’ll start to understand what I’m saying . . . that’s it, keep those eyes moving. Director: How can you expect to control your case managers when your weight shows you have no control over yourself? Manager: In a strange way pointing out my lack of self-control can help you . . . be at ease with me. Utilizing Unwanted Behavior Often, behaviors that occur frequently are undesirable. This was not a problem for Milton Erickson who had gone beyond suggesting and predicting to utilizing any objectionable activity presented by patients as a vehicle for change. His work was the inspiration for the therapist who narrated how a three-year-old child clung, squeezed, and pressed herself against her mother’s chest, and then, peeked out. Any behavior can be accepted, slightly modified, or even encouraged to promote its opposite. Utilization principles are commonly referred to as reverse psychology as shown in previous examples.

Example 14 Boyfriend: You better watch the tone of voice you take with me! Response: I do appreciate it whenever you point out my (bad) attitude because, strangely, I feel more confident when I’m forceful.


Example 27 Husband: I’m about to go into another room. Be sure to follow me, notice any women I might be attracted to or even know, and stick close to me even when . . . you see someone you want to talk to.

Example 28 Parent: The more you roll your eyes, the better you’ll start to understand.

Example 29 Parent: When your friends come over, be sure to give me a dirty look when I introduce myself.

Example 30 Parent: Could you sound just a little more condescending? Advocating unwanted action clearly identifies it and places it under the control of the observer. The person making the suggestion is in a no-lose position. If boyfriends, wife, or children in previous examples continued to be difficult, they could simply be thanked for complying with the requests that were made. The following examples show how easily utilization goes hand in hand with serial suggestions, implication, and truisms.


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Example 65 Son: I hate my stepfather. Mother: Well, don’t . . . start to get along with him . . . too quickly because a part of you still wants to be loyal to your dad no matter what he does.

Example 66 Wife: You’re cheap—why are you getting so tight with the money? Husband: You need to be upset about this until . . . you can calm down and understand.

Power Words Hypnosis has its own special diction. Some words and word usages are potent catalysts. Pairing opposites states the negative first to ground resistance, like a lightening rod, so that people can focus on the positive end of the polarity—‘‘Even if you are tense, you can maintain a deep sense of calm’’ (O’Hanlon & Martin, 1992). The first part of this duo utilizes and permits unwanted activity to make it less appealing.

Example 65 Mother: You can be as contrary as you like with your stepdad until you discover . . . you can cooperate with him and still be loyal to your dad.


Example 66 Husband: You need to be upset until you can . . . be calm and understand. There are other words that are designed to make the baffling even blurrier. Consider the following generic one-liners for neutralizing negativity—‘‘I know you want to help me’’ versus ‘‘I know you’re trying to help me.’’ Which one is more effective? The second statement implies that the person’s efforts to help are ineffective. This was the response that, indeed, brought a halt to the verbal tirade from the division director in previous exercises in this book, making the rest of the ride to the office tolerable for the program manager: Director: How can you expect to control your case managers when your weight shows you have no control over yourself? Manager: I know you’re trying to help me. Try is a potent word that blocks the action following it—‘‘You can try to keep your eyes open, but eventually it won’t be worth the effort.’’ Therefore, it is important to use this word in a way that helps and does not harm. Consider replacing ‘‘Would you try to clean up your room’’ with ‘‘You can try to ignore me.’’ Try works very well with many of the previous examples that can be extended to a variety of common situations.

Example 32 Sister: You’re trying to make sure that I haven’t forgotten anything.


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Example 54 Mother: Maybe if your dad tries to complain about you some more, he’ll ease up on himself.

Example 57 Wife: I don’t blame you for trying to ignore how your brother paws me when he drinks.

Example 58 Friend: You can try to keep picking on me.

Example 59 Wife: You really do try hard to give me advice (to be organized, make lists, etc).

Example 61 Wife: You’re trying to make a joke (comparing me to our dog) when you could . . . tell me how you feel. Review each of these examples to discover if the word ‘‘try’’ blocks the phrase that follows it. Is it thwarting reminders, complaints, indifference, annoying behavior, advising, and insulting jokes? Example 57 is tricky. It implies the husband cannot ignore his brother’s inebriated advances in spite of his pretence. As for the


word ‘‘try,’’ will you . . . dare to use this precious verb, now that you understand it? Dare has the opposite effect of ‘‘try.’’ Dare is a challenge that promotes the action following it—‘‘You can dare to discover . . . the feeling of letting go when your eyes close without effort.’’ Any challenging statement employing words that draw and focus attention followed by an embedded suggestion can be considered a dare to behave in a way that goes beyond a person’s normal repertoire. Shocking words have more impact when they are accompanied by a pregnant pause. The wording used in previous examples has been replaced with challenges and one new illustration is offered.

Example 58 Friend: Would it be disastrous for you to . . . stop picking on me? Manager: It would be strange for you to . . . be supportive of me as you’d like to . . . when you have these issues. Manager: It could be astonishing for you to . . . be supportive of me in spite of your issues.

Example 67 Professor: And you plan to teach when you misspelled two words on your committee notes! Student: What’s even more shocking would be to . . . understand that I’ve made A’s on every essay or research paper I’ve ever written. Of course, it is fine to actually use the word dare as the friend did in Example 43.


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Example 43 Friend: My supervisor said I was doing a great job but she thought I was getting too thin. I looked straight at her butt and told her she had no business being concerned about my weight. Response: It’s great that you stood up for yourself, but would you like to . . . learn another way . . . you could have handled her . . . are you sure you dare to find out . . . now?

Now is yet another word in the hypnotist’s handbag that can elicit timely responses. The mother in Example 48 can add weight to the choices she offers while predicting disclosure with a challenge— ’’Would you dare to . . . tell me about your drug use or find out what I did when I was young . . . now.’’ Two final examples offer several mesmerizing flourishes.

Example 68 Adult daughter: Oh, you interrupted me once again. You could keep cutting in . . . but would you dare to listen?

Example 69 Guru: I can’t believe you acknowledge hypnosis on the same page as our methods (in your book). Obviously you haven’t learned anything we’ve taught you! Author: You can continue to fret all you like . . . but you have taught me far more than you will ever know.


In addition to narrating ongoing behavior, the young woman in Example 68 uses one last power word—but—which has the effect of negating what came before it. In Example 69, the author utilizes or encourages the guru’s irritation and then discounts it with the word but. Finishing off with high praise makes further censure almost impossible. This particular leader of a lay-led counseling movement might have been wise to know something about hypnosis before he attacked one of its proponents. The words wonder, discover, now, but, try, and dare all add muscle, as well as mix-ups to messages; however, you should make a conscious effort to only . . . remember the last two.

Confusion Techniques In truth, the interface between the verbal arts and hypnosis goes even deeper than suggesting, predicting, and utilizing. When people verbally abuse, they expect others to attack, defend, or withdraw. Responses that contain and embrace, or reflect without absorbing are perplexing. This element of surprise is at the core of the verbal arts and hypnosis. During a moment of confusion, the intentional, conscious mind can be bypassed to evoke inner knowing with access to a multitude of experiences and automatic responses in the unconscious. Even a simple ‘‘thank you’’ while under verbal fire is befuddling and creates a nanosecond for change. Milton Erickson fully understood the principles of confusion and interrupting patterned habits. He was constantly inventing new ways to induce trance. In one well-known story, Erickson was walking across a college campus. Someone stopped him to ask the time. He responded by pointing and telling the person how to find the biology building. Taking advantage of the momentary confusion, he instructed the baffled student to go into a deep trance. Erickson, who was far more interested in studying how people


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change than theories of personality, was doing field research on the phenomena of sequence interruptions. Similarly, the verbal arts use such conversational disconnects or random responses to befuddle opponents and leave them harmlessly hanging in left field. Even our difficult division director can be diverted from her overbearing manner.

Director: How do you expect to control your case managers when your weight shows that you have no control over yourself? Manager: My father told me I shouldn’t expect money to grow on trees, and so far, I haven’t found a dime.

Example 70 Husband: I cannot believe you’re taking a women’s studies course. It’s a bunch of stuff about feminism and God knows what. You won’t get any job recommendations that way! Wife: Well I cannot believe that there’s a genetic trait to be mystical and to transcend the ego. Husband: There you go again, changing the subject. Wife: Yes, I did that rather well (agreeing, compliment taken) and took us to a more philosophical plane, did I not?

Example 71 Coworker: I don’t know how you get away with coming to work late so often! (Continued)


Response: I don’t know why I cannot make it home anymore without running across road kill. It’s so sad—I wonder if there’s been a population explosion of feral cats. When an adversary can muster a retort, other verbal arts provide assistance as in Example 70. Asking for agreement in the negative (‘‘. . . did I not?’’) is a common hypnotic ploy to discharge resistance using paired opposites. The hidden question (‘‘I wonder . . . ’’) added to the random response in Example 71 may provoke enough contemplation to provide time to escape a vigilante coworker. Often, a random comment begins with some connection to its predecessor but then takes a tangential turn to derail digs. Using common phrases (‘‘How do you expect . . . ’’ ‘‘I cannot believe . . . ’’ and ‘‘I just don’t know . . . ’’) as prompts for outrageous ideas unleashes spontaneity. It is a natural step from the irrelevant to the irreverent and into the land of humor, even if it is on the dark side (Example 24). In the exercise with the division director, the manager takes her stereotypical put down one step further, making it humorous.

Example 24 Young man: Too bad you’re not a nymphomaniac . . . (repeated several times on the first date). Young woman: Actually I’m a necrophiliac (said coolly while toying with a nail file). Director: How can you expect to control your case managers when your weight shows that you have no control over yourself? Manager: I’m sorry I didn’t hear you; I was trying to remember where I keep my secret stash of chocolates.

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EXERCISE Before intentionally examining humor, the following exercise is offered to review hypnotic syntax. Even if these linguistic patterns seem overwhelming, they can be surprisingly easy to use. The therapist who employed hypnotic patter to pry a three-year-old girl who was eating paint and cleaning products loose from her mother’s arms was not an accomplished hypnotist. She just happened to be reading some of Erickson’s case studies when the child showed up for her appointment, and she naturally found herself using Milton’s voice as she engaged the young girl.

Exercise 5 Hypnotic Language in Every Day Life Directions: Change the following assertive statement into a hypnotic format that suggests or predicts change. Keep the responses in the right-hand column covered until you have thought of your own. You can uncover the suggested pattern a little at a time to give yourself clues or practice remembering responses after you have read all of them. Your own answer may be better than the ones given. Assertive statement: ‘‘I would like you to stop telling people they are stupid when you don’t agree with them.’’ Hypnotic Formula Truism Bind (false choice)

Suggested Pattern You can tell people your ideas in a different way. Do you want to just tell people you disagree with them, or do you want to ask them if they would like to know your thoughts?

(Continued)


Double bind (forced choice)

Underlying assumption Implied directive Serial suggestion Paired opposites Utilization

Block (try) Negation (but), truism (can) Challenge (dare) Random response

Do you know that you know . . . it isn’t worth the effort to call people names . . . to make your point? I wonder when . . . you’ll be able to simply disagree. As soon as you . . . think of a nicer way of saying that . . . you can take a deep breath. When you finish giving me that mean look . . . more grown-up words can pop into your head. The uglier you talk, the easier it will be to think of kind words. Be sure to keep using harsh language when you talk to your friends, because it will help some of them feel more mature than you. You can try to keep saying nasty things to people. . . . . . . but sometimes you can talk in a more mature way. Would you dare to . . . say one kind word? Even if he’s stupid . . . it is possible that we could survive an attack of flying monkeys.

For additional practice, make the exercise more personal. Change the previous responses slightly to transform the assertive statement, ‘‘I’d like you to stop telling me I’m stupid when you disagree with me.’’ Telling young people they talk in a more mature way is a compliment and an incentive, but it may sound demeaning when addressing an adult. Consider the following wording: Serial suggestion, truism (can) Utilization

When you finish looking frustrated . . . gentler words can pop into your head. Be sure to keep calling me names, because it helps me feel like your better half.

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Always Use Hypnosis Except When You Should Not Because indirect suggestions seem so clever, they hold special appeal. However, research has not proven them more effective than direct, authoritarian commands (‘‘Just relax’’ ‘‘There is no need to feel pain . . . ’’). The subtle approach works best with some people, while clear-cut statements are more effective with others. What is most important is to be flexible and have a variety of responses. Those who are resistant to authority may be more responsive to covert comments. This would seem to include the large majority of calloused, cruel people. However, a word of caution: When hypnotic language is overused, it becomes transparent and easy to resist.

COMEDY CONNECTION Henri Bergson’s book on Laughter (1913) offers a thorough exploration of comedy. As with the verbal arts, the human element is indispensable to humor. Animals must fight or flee. Only humans can question, narrate, and make absurd connections. First, Bergson claims that animals and inanimate objects are only humorous to the extent that they have human qualities. Second, when people automatically continue rigid behavior in a situation that calls for change, comedy occurs. We do not laugh at people who trip over a curb because they are inferior, but because they robotically continue to walk as though on level ground when they should have stepped down. If such people intentionally sat down, there would be nothing funny. The tension between rigidity where flexibility should have occurred offers an element of surprise. Verbal artists understand this and instead of participating in a repetitive volley of judgments, threats, and demands, they throw a curveball that causes offenders to stumble.


Example 18 Friend: Freaks like that deserve to die. Response: How many piercing and tattoos would be the cutoff for life or death? Friend: About as many as that one has. Response: So that one sets the standard—should we give him an award before we assassinate him?

Example 72 Husband: I’m the man, and I can ask for whatever I want (Example 35). Wife: So the man is the head of the house and the woman is the tail of the house. That could be fun—I’ve got a great tail (wiggling off). Unexpected connections between the sensible and the foolish add power to the punch line. The head of the house is a common expression; the tail of the house only makes sense as a double entendre and is unexpected. Using humor lightens the oppressive attitudes in these examples and shows that the statements are not to be taken seriously. Sometimes this is preferable to asking questions to elicit underlying concerns or empathizing with distressed feelings. The more rigid people are in their thinking, the more invisible they are to themselves—like an Archie Bunker. Instead of reacting to them as adversaries, respond to them with playful banter as if they were harmless buffoons. Dispassionate reactions to dramatic and even tragic situations are Bergson’s third essential element of humor. The wife in Example 72 could have easily snapped back if she relied on emotions instead of

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intellect. Miri Muszkal put on fashion shows in a concentration camp, encouraging her fellow detainees to model their rags with utter aplomb to peals of laughter (Schleifer). This is proof that merriment can be found even in the direst of circumstances. Parents of teens have countless opportunities to dispel disapproval when they feel themselves crumbling under the weight of frequent attacks.

Example 73 Teen: It’s fine to be rude to your mother, but being rude to strangers is destroying the fabric of society. Mother: I guess Moses was having a senior moment when he put ‘‘Honor your father and your mother’’ in the Ten Commandments.

Example 74 Son: You make everyone in this house miserable. I don’t know why you have to be so mean all the time! Mother: Actually, there’s a new TV show—You Bet Your Momma. There is a million dollar prize for the meanest mom. I hope you’ll nominate me. . . . And, I do feel honored that I get all the credit for your misery. . . . Maybe one day . . . you will figure out your part in our problems . . . and then you won’t feel so helpless.

Example 75 Professor: And you plan to teach when you misspelled two words on your committee notes (Example 68)! (Continued)


Student: As a matter of fact, I do plan to teach (enthusiastic agreement). But fear not—teaching is only my safety career. I’m actually plotting to be editor of the New York Times. Imagine the lawsuits they’ll have from spelling sticklers who’ve gone into cardiac arrest! The beleaguered parent in Example 74 was able to act as if (it is all good) and add some fanciful exaggeration to her son’s attempt to parent bash. She went off the defensive and took his put down as praise. Example 75 shows that the comedic effect can occur spontaneously when it follows on the heels of the basic verbal art of agreeing. Once liberated from attacking-defending-withdrawing instincts, the mind can make the most unexpected leaps of folly. The thoughts and imagery just keep coming. Even if her professor does not find the comments amusing, this earnest student can be saved from crushing emotions and laugh inside by envisioning a far worse profession for someone with a spelling handicap.

CHAPTER 6

Taking a Stand by Opposing

If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am not for others, what am I? And If not now, when? —Hillel

This quote from a wise and renowned Jewish leader 25 years before the advent of Jesus describes the delicate balance between the art of understanding and speaking up for oneself. He mentions being for yourself before being for others. Yet, Making Hostile Words Harmless repeatedly stresses focusing on others. The verbal arts of confirming the best in others, asking questions, and actively listening to understand meaning are a prerequisite to knowing if there is an actual conflict worthy of exposing. In the process of being present and making contact in the moment, differences can evaporate. For this reason, the art of appreciating another’s position has been given more emphasis than assertiveness. However, sometimes depths of understanding will highlight distinctions in ideologies and approaches. Then, taking a stand can cause increased self-reliance of all parties in a relationship or community by showing that opposition can occur without disconnection (Bowen, 1978). This is done in a prescribed way.

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102 Taking a Stand by Opposing

‘‘I’’ POSITION Psychologists have written volumes on being assertive and offer grammars for ‘‘I statements’’ that take responsibility for a person’s feelings, desires, and limits: ‘‘I feel . . . when you . . . ’’ ‘‘I would like you to . . . ’’ or ‘‘Would you . . . because . . . ’’ ‘‘I am willing (or not willing) to . . . ’’ These declarations must not be made to attack, defend, explain, or convince. They are simply statements of fact made for the record. Research in a book on persuasion shows that a request is 34% more effective if it is followed by the word because—’’Would you let me cut in line to make copies because I’m in a rush?’’ (Cialdini, 2006). However, even when expressing your heartfelt desires, it is best to place them on the table for discussion without any expectation of compliance. Needed change comes from expressing limits and following through with action.

Case Story: Kate and Bob In her first marriage, Kate was a certified doormat. She did her husband’s bidding and when Bob quit his job, she continued to do all the domestic chores while he complained about her housekeeping. Kate sank into despair and waited to lose her mind. When insanity would not come, she sought counseling. It was the 1970s. Neither she nor her therapist knew anything about verbal aikido¯, but she was schooled in the assertive lingo of the day. Kate mustered her courage on the eve of one of her counseling sessions and said to Bob, ‘‘I feel hurt when you talk to me like that.’’ He replied, ‘‘I don’t care how you feel.’’ Instead of feeling crushed, a strange calmness came over Kate. The truth she had been avoiding stared her squarely in the eyes.

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She was catering to a vortex of self-centeredness, and she was emboldened. It took only a couple more weeks for her to make the second assertive statement of her married life: ‘‘I’m not willing for you to drive my car any more since you are usually more than an hour late when you pick me up from work.’’ Bob packed a bag, called a friend, and left within the hour. The soul mate that Kate could never leave, left her, and she felt relieved. Although her supposed worst fear that she could not survive solo had come true, she had woken up from the hellish nightmare that was her life. When Kate said, ‘‘I feel hurt when you talk to me like that,’’ she was expressing emotions simply to identify her experience, not to make her husband be less critical. Such an I statement is so void of attempts to mold or control that any response from the other person is revealing. Had Bob still been a willing partner in the marriage, he might have said, ‘‘How can I tell you what is bothering me in a less painful way?’’ But his callous reply was enlightening and helped Kate face the reality that she had been fighting. Although she never felt ready to end the relationship, she was willing to tell Bob he could no longer drive her car. Again, expressing this limit yielded volumes of information—Bob would not stay in a relationship in which he did not have his way. Because Making Hostile Words Harmless is about stepping beyond assertiveness, little more will be said on this point. However, the interested reader is encouraged to attend workshops or buy books on this topic. TAKING A STAND EFFORTLESSLY The Taoist principle of wu wei means ‘‘without doing, causing, or making’’ yet leaving nothing undone, or without special effort (Hoff,


1982, p. 68). The wise person works in harmony with the way (Tao). Once clear seeing is used to recognize reality, a person will use invisible power to accomplish only what is needed and leave no trace after having done it. Wu Wei is the way that ‘‘flows like water, reflects like a mirror, and responds like an echo’’ (Hoff, 1982, p. 85). Previous examples have shown how taking a stand can be effortless when it is a by-product of rendering hostile words harmless.

Example 3 Mother: We didn’t raise you this way (to have premarital sex). Thirtyish daughter: That’s true . . . I guess we have different moral standards.

Example 4 Husband: You always accuse me of not helping you around the house and criticize any help I do offer. Wife: I can be critical, and I think we do have different priorities on what needs to be done and when to do it.

Example 17 Racist relative: They should just send all those people back to Africa. Response: So there still is a need for the NAACP. I may have to send them a donation.

In the face of a moral attack, the daughter verified her position but did not attempt to defend it. The wife did not deny past accusations, and she reaffirmed her priorities. Agreeing in fact or


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theory is effortless and is a way of confirming your beliefs, rather than trying to make excuses for them. In Example 17, one person’s racist comment became another person’s opportunity to playfully endorse his or her own beliefs. Chapter 5 showed a variety of ways to evoke change with subtle suggestions and humor. In the process, people take a stand, but their position is difficult to defy because it is covert. As with any outspoken desire, the hint is made for the purpose of evoking a possibility, not to force an outcome. Parenting Examples

Example 76 Serial suggestion: Don’t . . . start the dishes . . . until you’ve had a moment to put your things down.

Example 77 Double bind: Do you know yet the exact moment when . . . you will start the dishes?

Example 78 Bind: Are you going to . . . start washing the dishes . . . in five minutes or a half hour?

Example 79 Block/utilization/challenge: Keep trying to make me change my mind until you discover you cannot.


Example 80 Truism: You can start watching TV as soon as you have . . . finish [sic] the dishes (incorrect grammar is confusing and adds to the power of the embedded suggestion). Relationship Examples

Example 81 Challenge: Would you dare to stay in the house while we . . . find a calm way to talk?

Example 82 Block/challenge: You can try to stop yourself from or dare to . . . understand my point.

Example 83 Underlying assumption: I don’t know how . . . we will solve this problem.

Example 84 Utilization: We should probably just keep bashing each other until one of us becomes curious enough to . . . show he understands the other one’s point.


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Example 85 Paired opposites: The higher the decibel level gets, the more ready we will be to . . . lower our voices and really listen.

Example 86 Truism: I can think more clearly about what you are saying if I take a short walk . . . now. The parents and spouses in these examples are taking stands (a) to get the dishes washed and (b) to settle a disagreement, but they make their points in gentle ways that suggest and predict success without pushing for immediate results. This requires a meditative posture in which you tuck your goals in your back pocket and are fascinated with what helps and hinders change. Examples 80 and 86 both set limits that can be followed with action. Having clear expectations takes the effort out of action. People cannot be made to perform a task or to be willing to talk calmly, but any parent is capable of withholding (versus taking away) all privileges until a task is started, and a person can repeatedly withdraw from a volatile situation. Changing your own behavior makes a statement and alters unproductive cycles. It makes room for other people to respond differently. All assertive declarations (‘‘I feel . . . when you . . . ’’; ‘‘I would like you to . . . ’’; ‘‘I’m willing/not willing . . . ’’) are truisms because they express a fact for the record, not to influence. However, I statements do not focus on others, making it impossible to slip in suggestions and predictions. Their hypnotic counterparts allow for new possibilities: ‘‘You may start to feel calm simply by staring at a spot,’’ or ‘‘Even though you are angry now, later or sooner you can cool down.’’


DISAGREEING EFFORTLESSLY An important rule of thumb is to never disagree with others unless your opinion has been solicited. Opportunities can be created by asking questions that evoke inquiry (Examples 41 through 44)—I disagree with you. Do you want to understand my position? Are you sure? Similarly, announce that you have an idea before actually stating it. This builds curiosity, expectation, and even eagerness—I have a thought about . . . , would you like to know what it is? The stage is set for people to make a commitment to listen to (not agree with) you. If you just charge in and make your point, people are preoccupied with their own agendas and not likely to hear you. You can further insure listening by saying, ‘‘I’m not sure if my grasp of the situation is going to make any sense so could you feed it back to me in your own words.’’ The second tactic to use before disagreeing is to show the opposition that you understand their point by rephrasing (see Chapter Four). After persistently feeding back another person’s views, he or she will sometimes, spontaneously, become curious about yours. This is what happened in a conversation between an adult stepdaughter and her stepmother.

Example 63 Adult stepdaughter: You implied that I am not a good hostess when you said you are more comfortable at my brother’s house. Stepmother: You believe that I think you or your house is lacking something (rephrasing). It makes sense that I sounded critical (validating). I imagine you felt belittled (empathizing). That must have felt awful (sympathizing)! Stepdaughter: That’s exactly how I felt! So, why are you more comfortable at my brother’s house? Stepmother: I adore your dog but I have allergies.

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Instinct would be for the stepmother to jump on the defensive with a statement like—’’I did not mean to imply anything of the kind! You know I have allergies to dogs.’’ It is actually less work to use active listening to gain an understanding of what is fueling other people’s ire and to massage the relationship. Holding back your position builds eagerness in other people and helps them take the initiative to discover your thoughts. When people say they don’t want to know your idea or that they already know it, just ask the person to restate your thought for you. Then if they absolutely declare they are not interested in your views on any terms, you can either ask questions to discern the reason for their opposition or you can state your opinion and welcome any dissention it creates.

HANDLING A BACKLASH Expecting a backlash is inherent in taking a stand. Others may label the instigator’s ideas as crazy, irresponsible, or immoral. Attempts to convince them to change or disown their ideas are common, but the attack usually reaches a peak and then subsides. In fact, a lack of reaction to taking a stand, may suggest that a clear delineation of differences has not been made (Bowen, 1978). The use of the verbal arts is now essential to responding while under fire without attacking, defending, or withdrawing.

Case Story: Kate and Henry It had been more than 30 years since Kate’s first husband had left her and she was a wholly different person in her current marriage. Political passions were peaking, and one of her friends was depressed because their candidate was taking a dive.


On the spur of the moment, Kate said to Becky, ‘‘Let’s take a drive to Georgia. Our guy will be visiting there tomorrow.’’ Becky was game. Kate went to the bedroom and told her husband, ‘‘Becky and I are going to Georgia tomorrow because we want to give the campaign some support. Would you like to join us?’’ ‘‘No,’’ Henry shot back, ‘‘and you’re not going either!’’ ‘‘I’m not?’’ was Kate’s only response, uttered with total bafflement. She quickly left the room for a rendezvous with her computer to make an online reservation. Kate returned in 15 minutes to inform Henry that she and Becky had a hotel room reserved in Americus, Georgia, for the following night. ‘‘You must be having a psychotic break,’’ Henry countered. ‘‘Well, that could be, but I usually only go nuts when I’ve gone more than 72 hours without sleep, and I’m well rested today. Thanks for being concerned anyway.’’ Kate was undaunted. ‘‘If you go, I’ll be very angry!’’ Henry retorted forcefully. ‘‘Of course you will be, Darlin’ ‘‘ replied Kate offering a term of endearment as she walked out of the room. The next day, as she was carrying her packed bag to the car, Henry continued his pleas, orders, and threats. Finally, Kate turned and said, ‘‘You have a two-million-dollar life insurance policy on me. Should anything happen, you’ll be a wealthy man.’’ Her teenaged daughter, overhearing this part of the conversation, jumped in asking, ‘‘How do I cash in on this?’’ and Kate made a quick getaway. Two days later, Kate returned glowing from face-to-face contact and blessings from her candidate and from hearing an inspiring message from a former U.S. president. Her mood was infectious, and her husband welcomed her with open arms.

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In relationships, people give up power to their spouses all the time because they treat orders or requests not to do something as commands from on high. After making sure you understand your partner’s objections, if you still believe your plans are reasonable, follow through and sympathize with their de facto loss of control. This breaks vicious cycles of domination and submission that are reenactments of childhood scenarios (Cohen-Posey, 2000, p. 3.16). In Kate and Henry’s case story, Kate honestly expected her husband to join her in what she considered a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. She did not take orders seriously from anyone who did not have authority over her, and she believed that the same logic—it is foolish to argue with your child—applied to spouses. She could have spent more time discerning Henry’s objections to the trip, but she knew them all too well: he was not a spur-of-the-moment person, and he had a morbid fear of automobile fatalities, especially when she was in the driver’s seat. Additionally, she did not need Henry’s understanding or approval, and it would be useless to try to convince someone with his issues. Kate’s general approach was to keep her husband posted on her plans, make the briefest of responses, and leave the room quickly to avoid prolonged debates. Saying, ‘‘I usually only go nuts when I’ve gone more than 72 hours without sleep,’’ could be considered defensive, but she was actually thinking through this possibility. Her husband’s underlying fears were not addressed until the next day by dramatizing the best-case scenario of her death. (See Examples 22 through 26.) Confrontation was neither avoided nor pushed but handled with the ease of effortless effort. BUBER TAKES A STAND It is easy to misunderstand gentle Martin Buber who talked so often about truly imagining the ideas, feelings, and experiences of other


people by putting ourselves in their place. But his definition of confirmation stressed continuing to take a stand and opposing when necessary, while affirming the will and identities of others (Kramer, 2003). In his own life, Buber was constantly ‘‘in other peoples’ faces’’ while holding them dear in his heart. Buber, a Jew, lived in Germany when the Nazis came to power in 1933. They referred to him as the ‘‘arch-Jew,’’ a designation that he quoted with pride. In 1935, he was banned from speaking in public, and in 1938, he ultimately left his beloved homeland for Palestine. The same year Gandhi published a statement in which he suggested that German Jews use ‘‘soul-force’’ to reply to Nazi atrocities. In a deeply personal and political reply to Gandhi born of great reverence, Buber explained that a false comparison was being made between what the Indians had endured at the hands of the Boers and Englishmen in South Africa and what the Jews were experiencing in Germany. He plaintively asked the Mahatma if he knew what a concentration camp was like and if a Jew in Germany could publicly pronounce a single sentence of speech like Gandhi’s without being knocked down (Friedman, 1991). Years earlier in 1898, Buber joined and eventually became a leader of the Zionist movement. Unlike its founder, Theodor Herzl, who asserted that the Jews were a single people with national rights in Palestine, Buber’s position focused on a return to Jewish roots and a renewal of spirit unfettered by the compulsion of traditional law—a stance that perturbed Orthodox Jews. While still in Germany, Buber maintained an active interest in Palestinian politics and no longer looked to the Zionist to further his goals. In 1926, he distressed many by pointing out that a Jewish majority in Palestine would result in mistreating the Arab minority. He was ready to renounce political independence to preserve the unity of Palestine. In 1947, he wrote an article, ‘‘The Bi-National Approach to Zionism,’’ in which Israelis and Arabs

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who were both struggling for independence and spiritual renaissance could fulfill the dream of Zion under the protection of the United Nations. Buber continually warned that without cooperation with Palestinians, Jews would be burdened by life in a war zone (Friedman, 1991). There were countless incidents of conflict between Buber and David Ben-Gurion, Israel’s first elected prime minister. In 1947, under Ben-Gurion’s leadership, the partitioning of Palestine became a reality while Buber still favored a binational state. In 1949, Ben-Gurion came to office. Two weeks later he held a conference with prominent intellectuals to seek moral and spiritual direction for the newborn state. Buber, one of the first to speak, countered that the government had no role in shaping the spiritual direction of the state (Friedman, 1991). In 1956, he opposed Ben-Gurion’s invasion of the Sinai Peninsula in what became the Six Day War. In the early 1960s, Buber incited public fury when he pleaded with Ben-Gurion not to execute Adolf Eichman—Hitler’s deputy credited with organizing the Holocaust. The Israeli police had captured Eichman in Argentina to bring him to justice. Although Buber felt nothing but distaste for the man, he believed the commandment Thou shalt not kill applied with equal force to the state as to the individual. Yet, Buber was not a pacifist. When speaking to a few leaders of the Jewish Peace Fellowship in 1952, he was asked why Israel did not unilaterally disarm. Buber responded, ‘‘Because the first day the Bedouins would look on in amazement, and the second day they would ride in.’’ In Buber’s reply to Gandhi (discussed earlier), he said, ‘‘We believe that a man must sometimes use force to save himself or . . . his children’’ (Friedman, 1991, pp. 346, 256). The examples in this chapter seem puny compared to the stands Martin Buber took with the Third Reich, other Zionists, Mahatma Gandhi, David Ben-Gurion, the Israeli public, pacifists, and so


many others. One wonders if he had any friends, but he counted Albert Einstein, Herman Hesse (author of Steppenwolf and Siddhartha), and Albert Schweitzer among his closest. Ultimately, he was beloved by his countrymen; by West Germans; and by Jews, Christians, and Arabs alike. Buber’s biographer Maurice Friedman and others have described meeting him as an experience of feeling totally included and being looked at in a way that demanded them to be fully present. Yet, one suspects that he was proficient in being open to dialogue with any person he could engage. He had an abiding interest in Taoism and talked about the ‘‘free man’’ who neither interferes with nor merely allows things to happen. The free man listens to the Tao of being in the world and seeks to ‘‘midwife’’ what is happening through his own unique presence. Relating to others neither happens with one’s own effort nor without it (wu wei). Mastering the verbal arts allows any person to add grace to personal relationships, to the interaction of close-knit groups, to the politics or professional structures, or to being a player on the world stage. In all venues, anyone can be blessed by encounters that happen in the midst of genuine meeting.

CHAPTER 7

Teaching Positive Speaking to Clients

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-quarters theater. —Gail Godwin

A great deal of time in counseling is spent unshackling people from the irrational thoughts that have a stranglehold on their minds. The approaches to accomplishing this are numerous. Helping people learn the power of positive speaking is more of a teaching process than a therapy process. When these verbal patterns are mastered, they can instantaneously liberate people from foolish thinking by taking a fast track to powerful but harmonious interaction.

POSITIVE SPEAKING TRAINING STEPS If the chapter quote by Gail Godwin, author of several popular novels, is accurate (Hahn, 2007), explaining positive speaking may be an easy educational endeavor. Most of the training is done through role-plays. Through teaching, the therapist learns techniques and never ceases to gain knowledge. Opportunities for coaching clients depends on (a) the type of material people present and (b) their ability to use verbal aikido¯ grammars without being crushed 115

116 Teaching Positive Speaking to Clients

by their own negative verbiage. The 10 training steps are fairly straightforward: 1. The therapist recognizes that the client is caught in an interpersonal struggle with difficult family members, coworkers, or friends. 2. The client is invited to role-play the situation. He or she portrays the antagonizing party and is encouraged to be as troublesome as possible. 3. The counselor/coach makes a nonattacking, nondefensive response. Although therapists should be familiar with positive speaking grammatical constructions and practice them in their own lives, it is far easier to use these responses with other peoples’ bullies than with your own. 4. The role-play continues until the client (portraying the offender) is silenced. This usually happens surprisingly quickly. 5. The counselor demonstrates what happened nonverbally using the simple aikido¯ cross-training exercise discussed in the next section. This usually gives clients a powerful ah-ha experience of not providing resistance during verbal banter. 6. The original example or a similar example of badgering may be role-played. This time, the counselor may suggest that a script of the verbal exchange be written. 7. The counselor uses the verbal script to review the dynamics of each response: agreeing, asking a question, rephrasing, using hypnotic words, and so on. 8. The counselor and client can switch roles, with the counselor playing the verbal aggressor. Some clients may initially have to use their verbal script to make responses. 9. When clients have difficulty responding with positive speaking due to overpowering emotions or their own negative

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thought demons, the therapist should take as many sessions as needed for intrapsychic work before returning to verbal arts training. Empowering Dialogues Within (Cohen-Posey, 2008) is highly recommended for this endeavor. 10. Further study is recommended. Clients who like to read are encouraged to buy Making Hostile Words Harmless; those who do not should be given the handouts ‘‘The Dance of Deflection’’ and ‘‘Pointers for Deflecting’’ from Brief Therapy Client Handouts (Cohen-Posey, 2000). When working with children, How to Handle Bullies, Teasers, and Other Meanies (Cohen-Posey, 1995) can be an excellent resource.

¯ CROSS TRAINING (STEP 5) AIKIDO Verbal aikido¯ is modeled on the martial art of aikido¯. This form of combat does not use weapons. A person joins with an opponent and uses his or her strength to unbalance, disarm, or contain that opponent. Although complex and subtle in its movements, one of the simplest aikido¯ exercises can easily be demonstrated and is a powerful example of what happens when contact is made without the use of attacking or defensive maneuvers—a powerful metaphor for the steps of positive speaking. Ask your client to face you and place the palms of your hands against the palms of your client’s hands at shoulder height with elbows bent. Palms only touch; hands should not clasp or grip in any way. Preferably, have a chair behind you so that you can easily fall into it. (1) Encourage your client to push you off balance while you push back. Give plenty of resistance, and make eye contact. You should easily stumble off balance. (2) Repeat the exercise a second time, but offer no resistance. Allow your arms to be flexible and follow the palms of the other person’s hands where ever they move.


Make sure your knees are not locked. Allow your weight to settle into your abdomen to maintain balance. Look just past the person’s eyes so that you don’t absorb any energy. The other person should quickly give up pushing. When clients are queried about their experience, many spontaneously comment, ‘‘Oh, you’re not giving me any resistance.’’ Others need the two styles of pushing and flexible flowing repeated a couple of times before they can make a connection to their verbal habits. This basic aikido¯ exercise shows that when you offer no resistance and move with an opponent you contain his or her energy. Disagreeing, reassuring, explaining, and convincing are all forms of resistance. Agreeing with (in theory), inquiring about, rephrasing, and hidden suggestions are all ways of going along with a rude remark. An advanced aikido¯ maneuver can be shown by pushing forward with one hand and pulling back with the other to create a kind of waltz dance. POSITIVE SPEAKING FOR INTERPERSONAL ISSUES The previous 10 steps are executed in a spontaneous way and may not unfold exactly as outlined. Some people find verbal artistry easy to recall with overused harassment. The woman in Example 59 was challenged by a husband who gave her constant advice.

Example 59 Husband: You need to be more organized. If only you would make lists, get the kids to do their chores on time, and on and on.

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Wife: I think so far you’ve given me four specific recommendations, which I will certainly consider, but I think I see another suggestion forming in your mind even as I speak. She returned to a session gleefully announcing that she had not argued back and felt more powerful by saying she would consider (not comply with) his requests. She especially enjoyed her husband’s puzzled reaction to her lack of antagonism. In some cases, people spontaneously ask to take notes, so they can remember verbal aikido¯ responses that are so out of the ordinary.

Case Story: Lilly Lilly came to her session smiling. ‘‘You’ll be so proud of me,’’ she told her therapist. I think I really ended it this time. She continued with the saga of the love-hate relationship she had been carrying on with her latest beau and told how she had reacted to Larry’s complaints that she had not returned his calls by reminding him that she could not deal with his trust issues. However, Lilly suspected that Larry would not easily give up and wanted to be prepared should he track her down again. Her therapist said, ‘‘Feed me Larry’s line again about returning calls.’’ A role-play ensued: Lilly posing as Larry: Why haven’t you been returning my calls? Therapist posing as Lilly: It’s puzzling isn’t it (labeling the confused emotions behind his demand)? Lilly as Larry: You know I’m the best thing that ever happened to you! Therapist as Lilly: We’ve had many good times (agreeing in theory) in spite of our issues. Lilly as Larry: What issues?


Therapist as Lilly: Do you remember any of the concerns I’ve brought up in the past (question asked sincerely)? Lilly as Larry: Well I know you just can’t seem to work out your problems by seeing that counselor! Therapist as Lilly: I think you need to keep trying to get me to change my mind (utilizing negative behavior) until you discover (power words) . . . you can go on with your life (truism), knowing you’ve learned much (embedded suggestion) from what we had (using past tense to emphasize it is over). Jumping out of the role-play, Lilly said, ‘‘I think that last line would really stop him. I need to make notes.’’ They repeated the role-play, wrote down significant words, and reviewed how they worked (shown in parenthetical comments in the dialogue). Lilly was a blond with brains. She had been reading material about positive speaking and experienced the nonverbal aikido¯ exercise. It took just the right moment for it all to come together.

Lilly had a lethal combination of extraordinary beauty and a need to please. She was a magnet for narcissistic, possessive, controlling men. Treatment for dependent traits can be long and arduous. However, because people with well-entrenched behavior patterns typically focus on others and have difficulty with insight, they can be good candidates for empowering communication training. INTERFERENCE FROM INNER BULLIES Other people are intrigued by positive speaking but unable to execute the steps of verbal aikido¯ until they have dealt with their own inner bullies. A young woman named Madelyn was distraught over her mother’s disapproval of her for not helping with a family

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barbecue. Simply attempting to role-play the words, ‘‘You sound upset with me,’’ caused waves of self-reproach. Madelyn needed many sessions to deal with such thoughts as—The entire welfare of the family depends on me, I’ve made so many mistakes, I cannot trust my own thoughts, My mom knows what is best for me, and so on. The protocol described in Empowering Dialogues Within (CohenPosey, 2008) produced quick results. In time, Madelyn was able to go far beyond simply labeling or empathizing with her mother’s disapproval—’’You sound upset with me.’’ She and her therapist formulated a complex response to her mother’s attacks that used a therapeutic triangle (Examples 54 through 56) with a fictitious TV expert, reverse psychology (Examples 27 through 30), a power word (Examples 68 through 69), and a hidden suggestion.

Example 87 Mother: Once again you’ve been thoughtless. Madelyn: I heard an expert on TV say that some parents are driven to find fault with their adult children (reverse psychology), but (power word) I’m sure . . . you can be supportive of me (hidden suggestion). Mother: You need to pick the TV shows you watch more carefully. Madelyn: I know you’re finding fault again, but that doesn’t mean the expert was right. Madelyn was now in a no-lose position. Every time her mother admonished her, she could simply feign confusion that her mother seemed to be validating the silly expert’s prediction about persnickety parents.


LIMITS OF POSITIVE SPEAKING Are there times when you should advise clients to avoid nasty people—to choose their battles and steer clear of a verbal onslaught coming their way? Certainly this is true in situations where there is a potential for actual domestic violence. It is a misconception to believe that knowing the right way to talk or calming words can change someone’s need to control others through physical abuse. Standard protocols for domestic violence must be followed.

Case Story: Kate Kate thought she was getting along very well with a parent who brought his teenaged daughter, Deanna, for help due to her poor school performance. Previous professionals had suspected attention deficit disorder and had tried two types of stimulants to no avail. Kate had complimented the father for the appropriate consequences he had recently imposed by withholding certain privileges until grades improved, but she noticed that throughout the interview he found fault with other doctors. Then he started to point out errors that her own office staff had made in scheduling appointments. Kate asked him to repeat the problem so she could check into it, and he became highly agitated. Attempting to show understanding and preempt his feelings, she said, ‘‘You sound disappointed in me,’’ and she had him switch places with his daughter who was in the waiting room. It quickly became clear to Kate that the daughter did not have an attention deficit disorder. Her demeanor was depressed; she admitted to having had suicidal thoughts the previous year. She said she could fake it for friends and make them laugh, but she felt empty inside. Deanna said she knew she

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could do well in school if she tried, but she had no will to make an effort for the past two years. She admitted that something had happened two years ago, but she had blocked whatever it was out of her mind. Deanna explained that she had become adept at this ‘‘blocking technique’’ and that every day after school, she put herself in a trance and kept her mind from thinking. She said this enabled her to get along with everyone. However, she did not want to be in the room when her father came back to discuss findings and suggested treatment needs. As soon as Deanna’s father returned to the room, he announced that he had no intention of returning to treatment because he thought Kate had more problems than his daughter. Kate said it was fine if he took his daughter to see someone else and asked if she could tell him what she thought his daughter’s difficulty might be. He very impatiently replied, ‘‘Haven’t I made it clear to you that I would not want an opinion from someone as troubled as you.’’ Kate made one more attempt, ‘‘Would you tell me what I did wrong?’’ His reply was another rebuke, and he turned and left. After carefully documenting the father’s refusal to follow treatment recommendations and making sure he had left the building, Kate consulted with her office manager, Louise. While in the waiting room, Deanna’s father had continued to complain and happened to mention that he had been in jail recently due to a battery charge. Louise, who was the queen of Internet background checks, quickly discovered that the father had a lengthy rap sheet including several assault and battery and DUI charges. Kate, who had never been a victim of physical abuse, was given an eye-opening, firsthand experience with someone used to reacting to perceived injuries with physical force. Although she was well practiced in the art of (showing) understanding,


inquiry, and giving compliments, they did not make a dent on a person with such entrenched habits. Brief Therapy Client Handouts (Cohen-Posey, 2000, pp. 8.8–8.9) reviews information on recognizing early warning signs of domestic violence and safety strategies for people in risky circumstances. The verbal arts are also wasted on people under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Clients dealing with these situations need to be advised on how to set limits and minimize contact while loved ones are inebriated. Participation in support groups for family members of substance abusers is highly recommended. Special techniques are also warranted when dealing with people who are out of touch with reality and suffering from thought disorders or extreme mood swings. In most other situations, even with people who are habitually clingy, dramatic, arrogant, rigid, controlling, evasive, or defiant, positive speaking is recommended. However, the purpose of such interactions needs to be clear. GOALS OF POSITIVE SPEAKING The following goals have three different origins: the verbal arts, the philosophy of dialogue, or Murray Bowen’s family systems therapy (1978). Review them with clients and pick the perspective that is most appropriate to their situation: 1. Verbal arts use language to absorb hostile words and render them harmless. The contact that is made with others in the moment may not change relationships but does empower individuals. 2. I-Thou moments between two people occur spontaneously without any agenda to change or influence, yet both parties are altered by the experience (Buber, 1923/1970). These discrete

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momentary encounters can be uplifting, touching, or confusing but do not necessarily cause enduring changes. 3. Taking a stand that expresses individuality will cause families or small groups to change. A series of attacks should be anticipated and defused in a lighthearted way to demonstrate that opposition can occur without disconnection. Efforts to be your own person must be made for yourself, not to help the family or gain approval. However, as a consequence of taking a stand, individual qualities of leadership are created. MAINTAINING BALANCE WITH HIGH-WIRE FAMILIES Growing up in a cutthroat, controlling family can feel like a highwire balancing act. It may seem at any moment as though you will slip and fall, or you may even want to emotionally cut yourself off from your alien surrogates only to find yourself in similar relationships with friends, authority figures, or your own children. Murray Bowen’s family systems therapy described previously is designed for these precarious situations.

Case Story: Andre Andre had been estranged from his family for more than 5 years. He had broken several cardinal rules by not following the career of his mother’s choosing, becoming involved in a relationship before professional plans were finalized, and not spending adequate time with his little sister. When given the choice of no longer seeing his girlfriend Susan or losing financial support, he managed to obtain a bachelor’s degree without his family’s help, married Susan, and followed the calling of his dreams.


On birthdays and holidays, Andre would receive e-mails or cards with statements like, ‘‘You’re welcome back into the family anytime you apologize for leaving.’’ He would respond in the way he was raised—with lectures and dictates of his own—’’That’s no way to talk to your son!’’ ‘‘I won’t come to a family event until I can talk with you and Dad together.’’ Andre believed he was at an impasse and that he had no other option than to cut all ties to his family and stop making any response to correspondence. But he sought a professional opinion. This is an example of extreme family dysfunction. Andre’s therapist pointed out that he had made a stand 5 years ago when he had refused to capitulate to his mother’s demand to terminate his relationship with Susan. He had expressed his individuality, and as Bowen predicted, attacks were forthcoming. The challenge was to respond without attacking, without taking a defensive stance, and certainly without giving his own orders. In fact, Bowen advises fostering a separate relationship with each parent and would have warned against meeting with both parents together. Using prior audacious comments from his mother, Andre and his therapist began to plot a different way he could correspond with her in the future. Andre took the role of his mother:

Example 87 Andre’s mother: I could die, and you would not even have paid your last respects to me. Andre: That’s true. It would be a shame if we were not able to communicate good-naturedly before you die (agreeing and sympathizing).

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Example 88 Andre’s mother: All you do at work is play computer games (Andre is a programmer for a computer gaming company). That’s not even a job! Andre: It’s amazing the kind of salary my company pays people to sit around and do foolish things (exaggerating the insult to act as if it is a compliment).

Example 89 Andre’s mother: You need to apologize for leaving the family. Andre: You must have been shocked and devastated when I did not break up with Susan and become a doctor as you wished (label feelings to empathize). Andre’s mother: I cannot believe that after all these years you are finally apologizing. Andre: It has taken me a long time to see things from your point of view (agreeing in theory—empathy is not an apology). Andre’s mother: Well, now you can come home for a visit. Andre: I think I’d like to continue communicating via e-mail for a while. It’s easier for me to practice my newfound respect in writing, and I don’t want to jeopardize any gains we’ve made by seeing you in person (taking a stand). Andre was not sure he was entirely enamored of this style of communication. It almost sounded as though he was surrendering to his mother’s way of thinking, rather than pointing out that he was not apologizing. Even though the simple nonverbal aikido¯ exercise made it clear that explaining the difference between apologies and


empathy would offer his mother inflammatory resistance, his old defensive patterns were strong. Andre now had three options: (1) to continue reacting to random written potshots as he had, (2) to refuse any contact, and (3) to begin corresponding with positive speaking. His counselor suggested that until he was comfortable with and confident in using verbal aikido¯ tools he should not meet in person. By rejecting a personal meeting, he had taken another stand and should anticipate more attacks. Andre was encouraged to collaborate with his counselor to make sure that all his responses were casual, lighthearted, nonattacking, and nondefensive. The goal was to become an independent person within his strange, autocratic family without abandoning them or trying to please them This would be an accomplishment that would serve him well in the workplace, his marriage, and in the future as a parent. Andre’s family is an extreme case that requires special tactics and expertise even on the part of therapists. Chapter Two, ‘‘Untangling Family Ties,’’ from Brief Therapy Client Handouts (Cohen-Posey, 2000) offers a concise summary of the ideas of Murray Bowen and other family therapists. The verbal arts are an essential ingredient of his approach. Other important pointers for Andre are (a) to establish a separate correspondence with his father, who was never as critical as his mother but always presented a united front with her; (b) to keep the focus on his parents by probing for stories of their early life experiences, philosophies, and hardships; and (c) to always remember to use Bowen’s classic compliment in response to advice or orders, ‘‘You’re a good parent who cares about her children.

CHAPTER 8

Workshops on Positive Speaking

If you wish to go quickly, go alone. If you wish to go far, go together. —African proverb often cited by Al Gore

Giving workshops on positive speaking will take you far. There is no better way to hone verbal aikido¯ skills than to present the material in this book to others. In the reverse ‘‘Don Rickles’’ portion of group gatherings, the audience is invited to hurl whatever crude remarks are gnawing on their last nerve at the speaker. One participant repeated a recent rude comment from a coworker.

Example 87 Participant: What are we going to do about that bald spot you’re getting? Workshop Leader: I don’t know. What are we going to do? 2nd participant: Are we going to form a committee on bald spots? 3rd participant: Do I get to choose who’s in charge or will there be a formal election? 4th participant: My God! We live in Florida. We might have hanging chads, which are much worse than bald spots. 5th participant: Oh dear, then we’ll need a second committee. 129

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The leader shifted out of the usual attack-defend-withdraw paradigm by asking a simple question, and the ‘‘group-mind’’ took over with a volley of uplifting quirky connections. Workshops on positive speaking are energizing and infectious. In the spirit of wu wei, a suggested program outline is offered next to make preparation effortless. Bells and whistles are added for people who have opportunities to present at conferences that require learning objectives, program descriptions, and quizzes. However, you do not need special credentials to offer a program geared to business groups, support networks, church fellowships, or parent associations to which you may belong. Feel free to use the following material as is, or to tailor it to your audience and technical expertise with PowerPoint embellishments. Permission is granted to reproduce materials in this chapter for the purpose of making presentations but not to offer for sale. For information on ordering multiple copies of Making Hostile Words Harmless contact the publisher, John Wiley & Sons (see copyright page). Depending on the quantity ordered, bulk purchase discounts are available. BONUS: FOR PRACTICE OR PRESENTATIONS Even if you do not plan to present or organize a workshop on positive speaking, the material in this chapter offers an excellent review of the major points of verbal aikido¯. Test your understanding of the information in the book by taking a quiz that contains a juicy example of a time-honored guilt trip. The Cruel Comments Worksheet is well worth photocopying to prepare a private repertoire of responses to undo cruel comments that stick in your craw. POSSIBLE WORKSHOP TITLES

Making Hostile Words Harmless: Stepping beyond Assertiveness Hypnotic Language in Everyday Life: Making Your Words Work for You

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Speaking Words of Wisdom: Empowering Clients with Hypnotic and other Linguistic Feats Bully Busting: Empowering Students to End Vicious Cycles of Verbal Abuse Hypnotic Tools for Parents (Teachers): Adding Extra Umph to Behavior (Classroom) Management Skills

PROGRAM DESCRIPTION Science is developing creative solutions for environmental pollution, but has psychology done the same for toxic verbiage? Traditional approaches to teaching assertiveness may be ill equipped to handle random rudeness from strangers and cruel comments that flourish in relationships of all kinds. This program will offer a set of communication skills modeled after the martial art of aikido¯. The acronym AAAH describes the ‘‘verbal art’’ of Acting as if, Asking questions, Active listening, and using Hypnotic and humorous language. The instructor will teach these four steps with nonverbal exercises and by brainstorming enlightening responses to cruel comments. These techniques are shortcuts for building self-esteem and discovering the ‘‘mirror mind’’ that reflects but does not absorb bothersome blather from difficult people. It is essential that helping professionals master these skills and make them a part of the treatment package that they offer their clients. Alternative Description for Parent or Teacher Programs Back talk, bad attitudes, and disrespect are elusive problems that push the buttons of many adults. Traditional ‘‘positive discipline,’’ consequence-and-reward systems often miss the mark in addressing verbiage that cannot be ignored but may be made worse by standard punishments. This program offers a set of communication skills modeled after the martial art of aikido¯. The acronym AAAH


describes the ‘‘verbal art’’ of Acting-as-if, Asking questions, Active listening, and using Hypnotic and humorous language. The instructor will teach these four steps with nonverbal exercises and by brainstorming enlightening responses to cruel comments. These techniques can deflect difficulties before they become behavior problems. It is essential that teachers (parents) master these skills and make them a part of their overall approach to discipline. LEARNING OBJECTIVES The following objectives are far too many for one workshop. Pick those that best suit your focus or break the material into several workshops. It is good to list learning objectives under the program description on promotional material. Participants will be able to:

Distinguish between instinctual reactions to verbal aggression and learned responses that create harmony and balance in the face of negativity. Neutralize an opposing (physical) force with a simple aikido¯ maneuver. List four ways to neutralize oppositional words without using resistance. Describe the experience of acting as if, asking questions, rephrasing, and using hypnotic language on attempts to verbally antagonize. Give examples of statements that neutralize disturbing comments by confirming, questioning, rephrasing, or evoking change. Explain how ‘‘speaking it as you want it,’’ finding a ‘‘golden nugget,’’ and ‘‘twisting the tone’’ can neutralize negative verbiage by acting as if nothing is wrong. Explain the meaning of hidden, evocative, false-choice, and forced-choice questions.

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Distinguish between paraphrasing (rephrasing) and metaphrasing. List the three steps of active listening. Identify the two underlying components of hypnotic language that evoke change. Define such hypnotic terms as truism, implied directive, utilization, and serial suggestion. Identify three hypnotic words that block, challenge, or negate behavior. Explain how humor evokes change.

MATERIALS

Three-by-five cards Handout (HO) Vinegar tasters picture for slide presentation (found from Internet image search) Reading glasses for four-eyes demonstration

SCRIPTED PROGRAM OUTLINE A script is given; however, it is not to be read verbatim. By thoroughly understanding each talking point and reviewing appropriate sections in the book, the material can be ad-libbed and animated with appropriate postures and body movements. Because this is a highly interactive program, people who are uncomfortable speaking will be relieved of the pressure of delivering a monologue. Make the words personal with your own stories and experiences of practicing verbal aikido¯. The first thing to do when talking to a group is to make eye contact. Smile at people and notice them


before you open your mouth. You will be surprised at how this simple action turns performance anxiety into assurance. I. Introduction A. Ask questions: 1. Has anyone ever been bothered by rude remarks, criticism, unsolicited advice, accusations, threats, and so on? 2. Has anyone been taught a way to respond to such remarks that actually makes you feel good without hurting others? Our purpose today is to learn a whole new way of talking—to step outside your usual habits of attacking, defending, or withdrawing. B. Preparation: 1. Please write upsetting comments on 35 cards (names you were called as a child; annoying advice or criticism in the present; remarks that get on your last nerve; statements from teens, adult children, spouses, in-laws, coworkers, or bosses). 2. Write these remarks down as they were said to you: ‘‘Four eyes!’’ ‘‘Do you realize this is the third time you’ve told me that!?’’ 3. Give stage directions (harsh tone, pointed finger). 4. Write down as many comments as you like. 5. Use the first four questions on the handout to help you think of comments. 6. Continue to write remarks on 35 cards as ideas pop into your mind while I continue to talk. II. Method: If you don’t attack others, defend yourself, or withdraw, what is left to do? A list of other types of responses is found under


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the questionnaire on the handout (pp. 152–155) (agreeing, complimenting, questioning, rephrasing, hidden suggestions, and so on). I like to call this method verbal aikido¯ or the ‘‘The Power of Positive Speaking.’’ The Power of Positive Thinking was written in 1952 by Norman Vincent Peale and was about using your thoughts to achieve desires, faith, and manifesting whatever you want. The Power of Positive Speaking, as I practice it, is about creating harmony and balance through interaction with the world. A. Background: (Depending on the sophistication level and interest of your audience, this section can be shortened or left out entirely.) Attacking, defending, and withdrawing are instinctual animal reactions. No one has to teach us how to blame, threaten, convince, or explain ourselves to others. It is hardwired into our brains. Positive speaking can most clearly be illuminated by certain Eastern and Western philosophies and hypnosis (see Introduction). 1. Taoism is one of three major Chinese thought systems described by a picture called ‘‘The Vinegar Tasters.’’ (Project picture on screen, if possible.) Three wellknown men stand around a vat of vinegar. Each has just removed a finger from his mouth after sampling the vinegar. Confucius’s sour expression suggests the world can be set right with strict rules through proper government. Order is imposed from the outside. Buddha’s bitter expression implies life is filled with attachments, illusions, and desires that lead to suffering.


The way to enlightenment is to let go of attachment and see through illusions. Lao-tzu (the founder of Taoism) is smiling because when life is understood and used for what it is, it is sweet. When we use the six-letter S-word (My kids should respect me, my parents should be fair, I should be able to trust my friends), we are imposing rules from the outside and are not working with what is. Unlike Buddhism, the world is a teacher, not an illusion. Unlike Confucianism, the world is governed by the laws of nature, not men. When we work with what is, life becomes effortless. This is the Taoist principle of effortless effort or wu wei. Like the yin yang symbol, harmony and balance can be created through interaction in a world full of opposing forces. Taoism is about survival versus enlightenment so, not surprisingly, it contributes to martial arts. A Taoist hermit priest sought a perfect boxing form, which reflected yin and yang. He saw a crane (yang energy) and snake (yin energy) fighting. Aikido¯, ‘‘the way of harmony,’’ was conceived in Japan and remains true to the spirit of Taoism . . . Instead of using an opponent’s force to throw him, as in judo, his energy is used to contain. Our formula is AAAH: Act as if (everything is fine), Ask questions, Actively listen or rephrase, and use Hypnosis or humor. a. Demonstration of AAAH: We’ll use the cliche´d phrase four eyes to demonstrate each type of response. I invite people to call me ‘‘four eyes.’’ Try to persist in being mean after my reply. [When people seem finished with each encounter, ask them how they experienced your response.]


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Remark: Four Eyes (Snide tone) Acting-as-if (the comment is a good thing): So you like my glasses. Ask a question: Honestly, are you trying to upset me? (Socratic, sincere) Active listening: You’re pointing out that I wear glasses. (rephrase, mirror mind that reflects but does not absorb) Humor: Would you like it better if I was a Cyclops? (makes an unexpected connection) Questions: What would assertive responses to ‘‘four eyes’’ be? (I don’t like it when you call me names. Would you stop calling me names? I will not hang out with you if you call me names.) How effective would these responses be? b. Nonverbal demonstration or simple aikido¯ exercise: (Ask a member of the audience (of similar strength to your own) to stand facing you. Have the participant place the palms of his or her hands against yours at shoulder height with elbows bent. Perform the simple aikido¯ cross-training exercise from Chapter 7 (p. 117). Practice before performing in front of an audience. Ask the audience what they observed.) Joining with an opponent and turning a struggle into a dance is the highest form of wu wei or effortless, effort. This basic aikido¯ exercise shows that when you offer no resistance and move with an opponent, you contain his or her energy. Disagreeing, reassuring, explaining, convincing, and so on are all forms of resistance. Agreeing with (in theory), inquiring


about, rephrasing, and hidden suggestions all require a kind of going along with a rude remark. Practice nonverbal aikido ¯ with your neighbor in the audience. Share the experience as a group. 2. Western philosophy: In 1928, Martin Buber wrote I and Thou. It explains the cause for all bullying. Out of a need for survival, we turn others in our lives into objects for personal gain (the I-it stand). However, in rare moments of meeting, we open ourselves to others without trying to change them, and something is altered in both people. This is Buber’s blessed I-Thou stand, which positive speaking takes into the heart of the darkest interpersonal tensions. Talk to your neighbor about any I-Thou moments you may have had. Did the aikido ¯ exercise or the responses to ‘‘four eyes’’ come close to an I-Thou moment? 3. Hypnosis and humor are the third source of positive speaking. People use hypnosis in everyday language all the time, but often without achieving the desired outcome. What do people hear if you say: ‘‘Don’t ever . . . lie to me again!’’ What would be a more positive use of hypnosis— ’’You can . . . always tell me the truth.’’ In hypno-speak this is a truism: a statement of fact that is hard to deny. Both hypnosis and humor use language in a sophisticated way. They start by focusing on what is being said. Hypnosis inserts hidden suggestions and predictions, while humor makes unexpected, irreverent connections. Change happens by


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opening doors to possibilities or by throwing people off the track from where they are stuck. III. Small group exercises A. Review verbal aikido¯ responses 1. In dyads, triads, or small groups, take turns role-playing the verbal aikido¯ responses on page 152. Start with the acting-as-if responses. One person reads the condemning comment—’’I can’t believe . . . ’’ and another person casually agrees—’’I did indeed . . . ’’. 2. Keep switching roles until all seven acting-as-if responses have been read with a sincere, calm, casual tone of voice (except for tone twisters). This will provide you with the opportunity to practice a nonsarcastic tone of voice when using positive speaking. Forty percent of communication is tone of voice, 10% is content, and 50% is nonverbal (Thompson, 2004). 3. Discuss the experience: How did the verbal antagonists experience the actingas-if responses? Which response could be a lie or a ‘‘golden lie?’’ (See explanations for Examples 8 through 11 in Chapter 2.) What is the difference between taking an insult as a compliment and finding a golden nugget? (One changes the meaning of an insult, the other finds something good in the worst words—Example 15) What is the advantage of twisting the tone? (See Examples 19 through 21.) (Repeat the exercise with the asking questions responses. Discuss the experience. If time is limited, have various small groups role-play acting-as-if, asking questions, active listening, and hypnotic responses simultaneously:)


How did the verbal antagonists experience the responses posed as questions? Which questions focus attention on the verbal antagonist? (All of them. Explain that bullies are pointing the finger at other people. Part of the trick of positive speaking is to place attention back on the opponent.) Which questions are hypnotic? (All but the simplest yes/no questions are hypnotic because they begin a focused inner search.) What is the advantage of a hidden (‘‘I wonder’’) question? (See Examples 18 through 23. You can use this as an opportunity to point out the difference between a hidden and a pseudoquestion. If the person responded, ‘‘Why do you have to get so upset?’’ she would really be making a statement, ‘‘You shouldn’t get so upset.’’) Which questions use assumptions or predictions? (Double binds link either a yes or no answer to a prediction of success. Underlying assumptions link the prediction to a future time frame.) Why are questions that evoke inquiry often repeated more than once? (See Examples 41 through 43.) Repeat the exercise with the active listening responses. Discuss the experience: How did the verbal antagonists experience the listening responses? Which listening responses focus attention on the verbal antagonist? (All) What is the difference between a metaphrase and a rephrase? Was the experience of having the comment rephrased different from having it metaphrased? Who has had the experience of someone putting his or her words in their mouth?


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What is the difference between saying, ‘‘I understand’’ and rephrasing, labeling feelings, and validating? (Saying, ‘‘I understand’’ does not show that you understand and instead provokes resentment.) Repeat the exercise with the hypnotic and humorous responses. Skip 4b because it was done previously. Caution that a sincere tone of voice is especially important with hypnotic language. It is not necessary to use overkill with pregnant pauses and intonation. Discuss the experience: How did the verbal antagonists experience the hypnotic responses? Which questions focus attention on the verbal antagonist? (All except h and i on the handout on p. 153.) Why are truisms easy to accept? (They are facts). How are implied directives and serial suggestions opposite? (One uses an easy, spontaneous behavior to signal readiness to start change and the other links a more desirable behavior to an easy [objectionable] behavior that is already happening.) B. Reverse Don Rickles exercise Ask the audience to catcall rude comments from the 35 cards. The speaker can demonstrate positive speaking by making spontaneous verbal aikido¯ responses. In the roleplay, the person catcalling can attempt to continue to be abusive. If you feel unsure of yourself, have a team of ‘‘bully busters’’ on stage to handle the catcalls with you. If you handle them on your own and get stuck, ask for ideas from the audience—how they would use positive speaking to respond to the rude remark.


Always encourage alternative verbal aikido¯ responses from the audience. Make sure any suggested responses are not (subtly) attacking or defensive. After each role-play, ask the aggressor and verbal artist to describe their experience. C. Brainstorming In small groups, the audience members can choose a comment from a 3 x 5 card and write responses on the Cruel Comments Worksheet (p. 151). If time is limited, various groups can focus their responses on one of the four types of verbal aikido¯ responses: Each group can share their upsetting comment and the ways they responded with all participants. Point out that using this worksheet to write as many responses as possible to one upsetting comment is one of the best ways to learn verbal aikido¯. IV. Closing In closing, I’d like to open the floor for questions and ask you the following: ‘‘Do you know how you would like to use positive speaking in your life?’’ At the end of the question and comment period, ask if anyone noticed that your question was a double bind. Asking, ‘‘Do you know how you would like to use positive speaking?’’ presumes that you would like to use it and that you will make tiny shifts in the way you respond to others when they are being difficult. Just by knowing that there is another way will empower you: To act as if and find the best part of the worst behavior. To ask questions and use your natural curiosity. To actively listen, rephrase, mirror mind, and reflect the worst words.

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To use hypnosis and humor to open the door to the potential in others so that you can relax and breathe AAAH into any cruel moment. QUIZ

Along with a program description and learning objectives, some speaking venues require a postworkshop quiz to determine if the presenter was effective in conveying information to the participants. Generally, it is best not to have more than five questions. Therefore, pick questions that are best suited to the focus of your workshop and the experience of attendees. The following items may need to be altered to be consistent with the ‘‘Verbal Aikido¯ Responses’’ handout for teachers and parents. Some of these questions are quite advanced and designed for sophisticated students of hypnosis. Answers and a discussion of them are found at the end of the chapter.

Positive Speaking Quiz Directions: Circle the best answer (others may be correct). Some questions require writing the letter of the correct response. 1. Which of the following would not be an instinctual reaction that attacks, defends, or withdraws? a) explaining yourself b) reassuring c) trying to convince the other person

d) stating a fact for the record e) accusing f) staying quiet g) lecturing

h) i) j) k)

disagreeing apologizing sympathizing d and j

(Continued)


2. Which response to the following comment would not be an example of positive speaking? Comment: ‘‘You never loved me. All you cared about was the sex!’’ Possible responses: a) ‘‘Just because you’re amazing in bed doesn’t mean people can’t love you.’’ b) ‘‘You can believe what you want, but some ideas will tear you apart and others will help you. . . . pull yourself together.’’ c) ‘‘Are you trying to make me feel guilty or yourself feel bad?’’ d) ‘‘How could you think such a thing?’’ e) ‘‘It makes sense that you might feel abandoned when you think our relationship meant so little to me.’’ f) ‘‘It sounds like you’ve felt so miserable since we’ve split, it’s almost as though we’re together.’’ Place the letter of choices (a) through (f) that illustrates each type of response or reaction: Acting as if: ____ Asking a question: ____ Asking a pseudoquestion: ____ Active listing: ____ Hypnosis: ____ Humor: ____ 3. There are several ways of acting as if a comment is perfectly fine. The acting-as-if response in question 2 . . . a) agreed in fact or theory. b) spoke it in a desirable way to insinuate something good had been said.

Quiz

4.

5.

6.

7.

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c) returned the comment with a compliment. d) acted as if the comment was a compliment by changing its meaning. e) found a golden nugget by pointing out something good or true in the comment. f) twisted the tone by starting off harsh and finishing with heartfelt praise. g) dramatized or exaggerated being uncaring to act as if that would be fine. Pseudoquestions . . . a) are really statements worded as a question. b) slip opinions, judgments, or assumptions into queries. c) are not a type of positive speaking response. d) All of the above. Hidden questions like, ‘‘I wonder if you’re trying to make me feel guilty.’’ a) are really inquiries worded as statements. b) increase the chance of honesty by allowing either silent or unbidden answers. c) are not a type of positive speaking because they evoke a focused inner search. d) a and b. The asking-a-question response in question 2 . . . a) was an open-ended curious question. b) placed attention on the person making the comment. c) created a false choice in which both answers promoted deeper understanding. d) b and c. Two advanced forms of asking questions are forced choices (double binds) and underlying assumptions. Match the (Continued)


possible responses with the description of a forced choice and an underlying assumption. Comment: ‘‘You never loved me. All you cared about was the sex!’’ Possible responses: _____Do you know the reason why you want to believe I never cared?’’ _____When will you be able to . . . let go of our relationship . . . and still believe I cared?’’ a) a particular time frame is linked to assumption or prediction of success (underlying assumption). b) a yes or no answer is linked to an assumption that the speaker can discover a reason (double bind). 8. There are three ways to respond to upsetting comments with active listening. The listening response in question 2... a) paraphrased or rephrased what the speaker said. b) empathized with or identified the speakers feelings. c) validated the speaker’s feelings by showing how they made sense. 9. Which of the following possible responses is not active listening because it is a metaphrase that puts the listener’s ideas in the speaker’s mouth? Comment: ‘‘You never loved me. All you cared about was the sex!’’ Possible responses: a) ‘‘It sounds like it’s hard for you to believe I cared even after everything I did for you.’’ b) ‘‘You believe I used you and that everything we shared was a pretense.’’

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c) ‘‘When I said our relationship was over, you felt completely rejected.’’ d) ‘‘Thinking our relationship was meaningless must make you angry at me.’’ 10. There are several ways to use hypnotic language to respond to upsetting comments. The hypnotic response, ‘‘You can believe what you want, but some ideas will tear you apart and other will help you . . . pull yourself together,’’ employs . . . a) a truism or a statement of fact that is hard to deny. b) a hidden or embedded suggestion. c) utilization or encouragement of poor thinking habits to place them under the responder’s control. d) a serial suggestion that links a currently occurring behavior with a more difficult task. e) paired opposites to limit negative behavior and then focus on the positive. f) a power word that negates the phrase that comes before it. g) a combination of all of the above. 11. The two main elements of hypnotic language are suggestion and prediction. Which of the following hypnotic responses use an implied directive (links a natural behavior to a desired outcome) to predict success? a) ‘‘If you feel miserable enough with us being split, it will be so much like being together that pretty soon . . . you won’t even miss me.’’ b) ‘‘Don’t . . . get over me . . . too quickly, even if a good memory about us pops in your mind, that, curiously, makes you feel . . . all . . . well.’’ c) ‘‘As the Old Bard said, ‘All’s well that ends well’ . . . even if it doesn’t.’’

(Continued)


12. The other predictions in question 11 were combined with humor, a challenging power word, and confusion. Put the letter of the previous response in front of the description of the appropriate positive speaking technique: _____Challenging power words draw and focus attention to promote the action following them that dares a person to go beyond his or her usual behavior patterns. _____Confusion hinders normal thinking patterns and creates opportunities for new ideas to slip in. _____Humor makes unexpected connections between the sensible and foolish and the tragic and the commonplace that disrupt normal thinking patterns. _____Implied directives link an easy almost involuntary behavior to a prediction or assumption of success. 13. Which of the following statements is true: a) It is important to learn and use as many positive speaking methods as possible because people will develop ways to resist one type of response that is used over and over. b) It is only necessary to learn one or two positive speaking responses because they free the mind of attack-defendwithdraw reactions and generate nonordinary comments. c) Both of the above choices are equally and paradoxically true.

FEEDBACK FORM In addition to quizzes, some workshops and speaking venues require presenters to obtain written feedback. Many organizations have their own forms, particularly if they offer continuing education credits. In the event that one of these is not offered, the following questions are suggested as a basis for creating your own survey.

Handout

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Feedback Form Directions: Please rate the speaker on the criteria listed below using a 1-to-5 rating scale: 1 = Poor; 2 = Below average; 3 = Average; 4 = Good; 5 = Excellent _____ a. The speaker addressed the learning objectives described in the program. ____ b. The speaker was organized and prepared. ____ c. The speaker encouraged participants to ask questions and clarified material. ____ d. The speaker was in charge and kept the group focused on the goals of the program. ____ e. The information presented was useful. ____ f. The information was presented at an appropriate level for the participants.

The speaker could improve by . . . What I liked most about the speaker was . . . In the spirit of positive speaking, Making Hostile Words Harmless recommends that you view feedback as a good thing. If you plan to give more talks on verbal aikido¯ or other topics, feedback forms can provide useful comments, help build resumes, and even provide promotional material for future advertising. Therefore, if a form is not provided, create your own. HANDOUT The following two-sided handouts includes a brief questionnaire, a worksheet, and sample verbal aikido¯ responses. An alternative version of sample responses is included for parent or teacher workshops. The verbal aikido¯ responses correspond with the small group exercises III A and the worksheet is used for exercise III C.


QUESTIONNAIRE 1. I was troubled by cruel comments as a child: hardly, somewhat, very much 2. As an adult, I have been bothered by criticism, insults, disrespect, rudeness, unsolicited advice, accusations, threats, other: _________________________________ 3. People who disturbed me most are my spouse, children, other family members, boss, coworkers, employees, neighbors, friends, clients/customers, strangers 4. I usually respond to difficult comments by staying quiet, explaining myself, defending myself, reassuring others, trying to convince others, blaming others, attacking back, disagreeing, other (see responses below):_________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________ CRUEL COMMENTS WORKSHEET Directions: (1) Write an upsetting comment (2) Create responses that would defuse or deflect it. Upsetting Comment: 1. Act as if (nothing is wrong): Art of Confirming a) Agree in fact: b) Agree in theory: c) Speak it as you want it: d) Take it as a compliment: e) Return with a compliment: f) Find a golden nugget: g) Dramatize the worst outcome: h) Twist the tone:

Cruel Comments Worksheet

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2. Ask questions: Art of Inquiry a) Open-ended question: b) Hidden question: c) False-choice question (bind): d) Forced-choice question (double bind): e) Underlying assumption (prediction): f) Questions that evoke inquiry: 3. Active listening: Art of Understanding a) Rephrase, paraphrase, narrate: b) Empathize—identify the feeling: c) Validate or sympathize: 4. Hypnosis and humor: The Art of Evoking a) Truism: b) Hidden suggestion: c) Implied directive: d) Utilization: (of unwanted behavior): e) Serial suggestion: f) Paired opposites: g) Power words—try, but, dare: h) Random response to disconnect: i) Humor—unexpected connections:

Verbal Aikido¯ Responses (Condemning tone) Comment: I can’t believe this is the third time you’ve told me that! 1. Act as if (nothing is wrong): Art of Confirming a) Agree in fact: b) Agree in theory: c) Speak it as you want it:

I did indeed repeat myself. My short-term memory could be improved. Thank you for reminding me so kindly.

(Continued)


d) Take it as a compliment: e) Return with a compliment: f) Find a golden nugget: g) Dramatize (embrace) the worst outcome: h) Twist the tone:

2. Ask questions: Art of Inquiry a) Open-ended question: Socratic, curious: b) Hidden question: c) False-choice question (bind):

d) Forced-choice (double bind):

e) Underlying assumption (prediction): f) Questions that evoke inquiry:

3. Active listening: Art of Understanding a) Rephrase, paraphrase, narrate: n Metaphrase

b) Empathize—identify the feeling: c) Validate or sympathize—’’It makes sense that . . . ’’ ‘‘It must be hard for you when . . . ’’:

Practice makes perfect. You’re so attentive to my words. Maybe I can get advanced senior discounts for premature senility. I’ve only told you three times! I’m slipping. (Snappy tone) Well I may repeat but at least . . . (soft tone) you sound so supportive.

How much control do you think I should have over my repeating? I wonder if . . . there are other ways you could help me . . . repeat less. Do you want to remind me with a question or . . . just enjoy my beauty when I repeat? Do you know how . . . you are going to become less upset . . . about my repeating? Do you know how soon . . . you’ll find my compulsion to repeat amusing? Would you like to know what I think would help? Are you sure . . . you want to know?

You’re pointing out that I said that before. You’re saying that I repeat on purpose. You get pretty frustrated with my repeating. No wonder you’re annoyed because you have a sharp mind and like novelty.

Cruel Comments Worksheet

4. Hypnosis and humor: The Art of Evoking a) Truism: b) Hidden suggestion: c) Implied directive:

d) Utilization: encourage more of the same: e) Serial suggestion: f) Paired opposites: g) Power words—try, but, dare:

h) Random response to disconnect: i) Humor: unexpected, irreverent connections that throw people off track:

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Sometimes you can sound supportive . . . other times not so much. (2c) . . . just enjoy my beauty when I repeat. (Also 2b, 2d, 2e, and others) As soon as you know my compulsive repeating isn’t a catastrophe, you can crack a smile. Be sure to be harsh when you remind me that I repeat, even if . . . you will get worn out. You can feel gloomy and still know there is hope for one of us to change. I know you’re trying to help but you might . . . think of a surprising solution . . . the next time I repeat. And I can’t believe that Greenland is actually an island. Oh My God! All my senseless regurgitating of trivia could turn me into one of those talking heads you see on TV or, better yet, a deadhead.

Verbal Aikido¯ Responses Teacher or Parent Workshop (Defiant tone) Comment: I’m not gonna do that! 1. Act as if (nothing is wrong): Art of Confirming a) Agree in fact or theory:

You can choose not to do it (and have consequences).

(Continued)


b) Speak it as you want it: c) Take it as a compliment: d) Return with a compliment:

e) Find a golden nugget:

f) Dramatize the worst outcome:

g) Twist the tone:

2. Ask questions: Art of Inquiry a) Open-ended, curious question: b) Hidden question: c) False-choice question (bind):

d) Forced-choice (double bind): e) Underlying assumption (prediction): f) Questions that evoke Inquiry:

I’m so glad you’re willing to try. You must think I’m very patient to talk so boldly. You like to practice making your own decisions. People who are picky about what they do make the best workers when they . . . decide to buckle down. Maybe you’ll become the world famous ‘‘contrary kid,’’ who has a disagreeable reputation even if he does stuff. (Resentful tone) Well even if you think I ask too much . . . (upbeat tone) I’m totally confident in you!

What is your reason for not . . . wanting to cooperate? I wonder just what your concerns might be. Do you want to take a couple of minutes to start on your own or see if I’ll keep your away from your friends before your start? Do you know how you will realize that doing this is in your best interest? Do you know how soon . . . you’ll manage to cooperate? Can you even tell me the reason why I’m asking you to do it?

3. Active listening: Art of Understanding a) Rephrase, paraphrase, narrate: You believe it would be impossible for you to even begin to do that (purposeful exaggeration). n Metaphrase You’re saying you don’t respect my authority.

Quiz Answers b) Empathize—identify the feeling: c) Validate or sympathize—’’It makes sense that . . . ’’ ‘‘It must be hard for you when . . . ’’:

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It sounds like you resent being asked to . . . . I guess you resent being asked to . . . because . . .

4. Hypnosis & Humor: The Art of Evoking a) Truism: Sometimes people need to test limits and experience consequences that help them . . . cooperate. b) Hidden suggestion: (1e) . . . decide to buckle down. c) Implied directive: When you know . . . you can do what you’re asked to do . . . you won’t have to sit still or even squirm. Directive enforced by privilege When you have done as you’re (nonhypnotic) asked, you can use the computer (sit in your usual seat, etc). d) Utilization: encourage more Don’t . . . stop complaining . . . of the same: until you’re ready to . . . start your work. e) Serial suggestion: f) Paired opposites: g) Power words—try, but, dare: You can try to complain some more, but a part of you has the guts to . . . just do it. h) Random response to disconAnd I’m not gonna wear my watch. nect: i) Humor: unexpected connecSo, are you trying to tell me no? tion: (minimize defiance unexpectedly)

QUIZ ANSWERS Some discussion is offered in the event that participants ask questions about the correct answers.


1. l.—Accusing, lecturing, and disagreeing are forms of attack. Explaining, reassuring, convincing, and apologizing are ways of defending. Apologies take responsibility for others’ feelings while sympathy (j) compassionately identifies others emotions. Stating a fact for the record (d) is a truism that neither attacks nor defends and can sometimes be combined with hypnotic suggestions and predictions. 2. d—Acting as if—a; Asking a question—c; Asking a pseudo question—d; Active listening—e; Hypnosis—b; humor—f 3. c—Just because you’re amazing in bed . . . (returned the comment with a compliment.) 4. d 5. d—evoking an inner search (choice c) is a type of positive speaking and is a by-product of all genuine questions. 6. d 7. a—underlying assumption: When will you be able to . . . let go of our relationship . . . and still believe I cared? b—forced choice/double bind: Do you know the reason why you want to believe I never cared? 8. c 9. a—’’after everything I did for you’’ is a metaphrase that puts the listener’s ideas in the speaker’s mouth. 10. g—truism: You can believe what you want, embedded suggestion: pull yourself together, utilization: encouraging the person to believe they were never really loved, serial suggestion: linking pull yourself together with some ideas will tear you apart, paired opposites: tear apart/pull together, power word: but 11. b—The directive, feel all (is) well, is linked to a spontaneous good memory. 12. b—Challenging power word, curiously, dares the person to feel all is well except that the word ‘‘is’’ is stripped out of the

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phrase making it more palatable; c—Confusion: pairing the title of one of Shakespeare’s plays with its opposites—All’s well that ends well . . . even if it doesn’t; a—humor: takes the tragedy out of the misery of being split—being split-up will be like being together; b—implied directive (see question 11). 13. c.

APPENDIX A

Verbal Arts Terms AAAH: An acronym that captures the movements of the verbal arts: Acting as if, Asking questions, Active listening, and Hypnosis and humor. Acting as if: Views an insult as if it were a compliment or a harmless comment. Verbal arts that fall into this category include: Agreeing, Dramatizing, Finding a golden nugget, Reverse psychology, Speaking things as you want them, Returning an insult with a compliment, Taking an insult as a compliment, and Twisting the tone. Active listening: Demonstrates understanding of another person’s experience through the use of Empathy, Narrating, Paraphrasing, Sympathy, Therapeutic Triangles, and Validation. Agreeing (Acting as if): Agreeing in fact, theory, hypothetically or with possibilities to rob opponents of a sparring partner. Aikido¯: A type of martial art in which natural movements emerge from the ‘‘rhythm of the universe.’’ The way ofharmony or joining (ai) an opponent’s energy (ki). Arts, martial: A form of combat in which a person joins with an opponent and uses his or her strength to unbalance, disarm, or contain. Arts, verbal: The use of language to absorb hostile words and render them harmless by being present with others and making contact in the moment. 159

160 Appendix A

Bind: See False-choice question. Confirmation: An act of making others fully present by accepting them as a fellow human beings, affirming their will and their identities, confirming who they can become by opening paths to change, and taking opposing stands when necessary (Buber). Debate: One or both parties are intent on imposing their point of view. Dialogue: Open, direct communication between persons who converse spontaneously without withholding or promoting an agenda (Buber). Communication that involves asking questions, showing understanding, and evoking potentials between parties (CohenPosey). Double bind: See Forced-choice question. Dramatizing (Acting as if): Showing the logical extension or worst-case scenario of an insult to act as if the comment is fine. Embedded suggestion (Hypnosis): Slips an idea into the context of a sentence. Empathy (Active listening): Imagining the feelings of others and labeling them—‘‘I guess you feel . . . ’’ Evocative Question (Asking genuine questions): Asks a question that promotes asking questions—‘‘Do you want to know the reason why . . . ?’’ False-choice question (Asking genuine questions): Presents equally acceptable options that people may select. Also known as a bind. Finding a golden nugget (Acting as if): Finding something good and true in the worst insults. Often this requires probing with questions. Forced-choice question (Asking genuine questions): A yes/no inquiry that is linked to an assumption that a desired change will

Appendix A

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happen—‘‘Do you know how this book is going to help you?’’ Also known as a Double bind. Genuine question: Changes the agenda to blame, accuse, and so on, into a quest for the meaning of assumptions and the purpose of prying. Must be asked from a position of ignorance. Types of genuine questions include: Hidden questions, False-choice questions (binds), Forced-choice questions (double binds), Questions with underlying assumptions, and Questions that evoke inquiry. Hidden question (Asking genuine questions): Uses the words ‘‘I wonder . . . ’’ to pose questions in the form of statements, eliminating pressure to respond, and prompting silent or spontaneous, unbidden replies. Humor: A verbal art that does away with human tendencies to rigid behavior, mindsets, and character traits by disrupting habitual patterns with unexpected or absurd connections between the sensible and foolish and the tragic and commonplace. Hypnotic language: Encompasses all the verbal arts and evokes change with embedded suggestions, predictions, utilizing unwanted behavior, and adding confusion to open the door to possibilities. Hypnotic language techniques include the use of Embedded suggestions, Truisms, Utilization, Serial suggestions, Implied directives, Predictions, Paired opposites, Power words, and Random responses. Implied directive (Hypnosis): Links an easy, almost involuntary, behavior for people to make to a prediction or assumption of success. It is the reverse of a serial suggestion. ‘‘I’’ position: Taking a stand to delineate the difference between one’s own position and another’s without attempting to change, influence, or judge. This causes increased self-reliance of all parties in a relationship by showing that opposition can occur without disconnection (Bowen).

162 Appendix A

Meeting: An I-Thou moment between two people that occurs spontaneously without any agenda to change or influence, and yet both parties are altered by the experience (Buber). Metaphrasing: Puts your words in other peoples’ mouths, saying what you think they should have said. This tactic should not be used. Narrating (Active listening): Giving blow-by-blow descriptions of behavior, verbal patterns, or interaction that heightens other peoples’ awareness of what they are doing and its impact, giving them a them a choice to continue or cease. Obedient listening: Dialogical art that involves fully turning toward others; imagining what they are thinking, feeling, and perceiving; asking meaning-directed questions; confirming others’ present stance and their future direction; attending both to what is said and to what is not said; and allowing responses to spontaneously emerge (Buber). Paired opposites (Hypnosis): Describes a negative mindset or behavior first to limit it and then to focus on the positive end of the polarity. Paraphrasing (Active listening): Using active listening to restate what others have said in different words as opposed to simply repeating—‘‘I hear you saying . . . ’’ Also known as rephrasing. Power word (Hypnosis): A hypnotic flourish that blocks or promotes the action following it or discounts preceding information— ‘‘try,’’ ‘‘dare,’’ ‘‘but’’ and so on. Prediction (Hypnosis): Presumes that something is going to happen and then speculates on all the ways the desired outcome might occur. Random response (Hypnosis): Disrupts the flow of content, catching the intentional (conscious) mind off guard. New behaviors or

Appendix A

163

thoughts outside a person’s usual repertoire may be accepted to fill the void. Rephrasing: See Paraphrasing. Returning an insult with a compliment (Acting as if): Responds to a verbal attack as though it were benevolent by complimenting, making continued assault almost impossible. Reverse psychology (Acting as if): Directs people to continue to be troublesome, as though that is a good thing, which places the behavior under the speaker’s control. See Utilization (Hypnosis). Serial suggestion (Hypnosis): Identifies an easy or currently occurring behavior and links it to a more difficult task. It is the reverse of an implied directive. Speaking things as you want them (Acting as if): Uses ‘‘golden lies’’ to suggest that people are acting in desirable ways (even if they are not) to evoke that behavior. Sympathy (Active listening): Adds compassion to labeling what others are feeling without taking responsibility for their emotions— ‘‘It must be awful to feel . . . ’’ Taking an insult as a compliment (Acting as if): Reframes the meaning of an insult to make it sound as though it were a compliment. Therapeutic triangle (Active listening): Reflects harsh words away from a target by identifying the aggressor’s underlying feelings in front of them while speaking to the victim. Truism (Hypnosis): Statements of fact that are hard to deny— ‘‘You can choose to . . . ’’ These are easily followed by Embedded suggestions. Turning: Involves a double movement from separation toward deep bonding to enter completely into the presence of another without holding back (Buber).

164 Appendix A

Twisting the tone (Acting as if): Returns an insult with a compliment by using a snappy attitude for the first part of the reply and finishing with heartfelt praise. Validation (Active listening): The use of other people’s emotional logic to explain how their experience makes sense—‘‘That makes sense because . . . ’’ Underlying assumption (Asking genuine questions): Links a time frame to a prediction of success—‘‘Do you know when . . . ?’’ Utilization (Hypnosis): Directs people to continue an undesirable behavior to put it under the speaker’s control, making the behaviors less likely to persist.

APPENDIX B

All-Purpose One-Liners Directions: Choose two or three one-liners that you particularly like and work with them until they become a part of your everyday language. When you find yourself overusing a phrase, choose a new one to practice. Photocopy this sheet and keep it handy as a reference.

Technique Acting as If

Response

Agree in fact or theory Speak it as you want it Take it as a compliment Return with a compliment

Absolutely! Could be . . . You say that like it’s a bad thing. Thank You! Great cut (snub, put-down, sexual harassment). You are a good (mother, boss, sister, friend) who worries. You might as well keep . . . until it’s not worth the effort.

Reversing resistance Asking Questions Genuine question Hidden question Prying prevention Evocative question

What is the reason you are saying this? I wonder why you are making this comment. I’d be delighted to answer, if you can tell me how this information is important. Do you want to know my reasons? (Continued )

165

166 Appendix B Technique Acting as If Paraphrasing/narrating

Validating Empathizing/reflecting Sympathizing

Response You’re saying, (wondering, pointing out, recommending, remembering, hinting, suggesting, wanting, thinking, figuring, reminding me) that . . . It sounds like you have issues. I can understand why you feel . . . because . . . I imagine you are feeling . . . It must be difficult for you to . . . when you have these concerns.

Hypnosis Truism Bind (false choice) Double bind (forced choice) Underlying assumption Implied directive Serial suggestion Paired opposites Utilization Block (‘‘try’’) Block/Utilization/Challenge Negation (‘‘but’’) Challenge (‘‘dare’’) Random response

You can . . . Do you want to . . . or do you want to . . . ? Do you know that you know . . . ? I wonder when you’ll be able to . . . As soon as you . . . you can . . . When you finish . . . you can . . . The more you . . . , the less you’ll . . . Keep on . . . because it will help you . . . You can try to . . . Keep trying to make me . . . until you discover you cannot . . . but someday you’ll . . . Would you dare to . . . ? Even if . . . it is possible that . . .

APPENDIX C

Psychotherapy Approaches Referenced in the Text

CLIENT-CENTERED THERAPY The therapist conveys deep understanding and acceptance of the client’s emotional attitudes by sensitive reflection and clarification (empathy) and avoidance of questioning, probing, blaming, interpretation, advising, or reassuring to increase the client’s motivation, awareness, self-acceptance, maturity, responsibility, and (appropriate) goal directed behavior (Rogers, 1951). FAMILY SYSTEMS THERAPY The family is viewed as an emotional unit with opposing forces driving individuals to act as one and pushing them to express their different thoughts and feelings (differentiation). When tension occurs between two people in the family, especially the parents, they may project it (triangulate it) on to a third member. Individuals may attempt to reduce anxiety with parents and other family members by emotionally cutting themselves off (moving far away, rarely visiting, avoiding sensitive issues, and so on). During treatment, the therapist talks to all family members in turn, asking many questions to elaborate the thinking of each person in the presence of 167

168 Appendix C

others. Everyone is included, balance maintained, and differentiation encouraged through the therapist’s leadership. FILIAL THERAPY Professionals trained in play therapy teach parents to be therapeutic agents with their children. Parents are taught four basic skills: (1) structuring—setting up the space and time for play; (2) responsive listening in which they reflect the child’s actions and emotions; (3) child-centered play—watching and following the child, rather than being directive; and (4) limit setting—only imposing rules for personal safety and to prevent destruction of property. Aggression may be played out through symbolic play. Filial therapy was developed in the 1960s by Bernard and Louise Gurney. Currently many training manuals are authored by Rise¨ VanFleet. HYPNOTHERAPY A hypnotic state is induced through suggestion, confirmation, and prediction in which clients may experience some of the following: (1) increasingly narrowed focus of attention, (2) calmness and stillness, (3) age regression, (4) heightened recall, (5) receptivity to acceptable ideas, (6) visualization, (7) identification of conflicting ego states, (8) pain suppression, and so on. Milton H. Erickson is considered one of the most influential modern hypnotherapists. During the 1960s, he introduced the use of indirect suggestion, confusion techniques, utilizing unwanted behavior, and double binds. IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY Teaches couples, and singles to understand the unconscious forces that influence partner selection and that contribute to flawed relationships. Goals include identifying frustrations due to partner

Appendix C

169

idealization, recognizing failure to gratify needs with outmoded habits, and perceiving one’s partner realistically without unconscious projections. A core skill is a three-part dialogue that changes defensive communication and promotes individuality and compassion (Hendrix, 1988).

References Bergson, H. (1913). Laughter: An Essay on the Meaning of the Comic. Trans. by Brereton and Rothwell. London: Macmillan. Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. New Jersey: Jason Aronson. Buber, M. (1970). I and Thou. New York: Touchtone. (Original work published 1923) Byrne, R. (2006). The Secret. New York: Atria Books. Cialdini, R. (2006). Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion. New York: William Morrow. Cohen-Posey, K. (2000). Brief Therapy Client Handouts. New York: John Wiley & Sons. Cohen-Posey, K. (2008). Empowering Dialogues Within: A Workbook for Helping Professionals and their Clients. New York: John Wiley & Sons. Cohen-Posey, K. (1995). How to Handle Bullies, Teasers, and Other Meanies. Highland City, Florida: Rainbow Books. Erickson, M., & Rossi, E. (1976). Varieties of Double Bind. American Journal of Clinical Hypnosis, 17, 143–157. Friedman, M. (1991). Encounter on the Narrow Ridge: A Life of Martin Buber. New York: Paragon House. Gore, A. (2007). The Assault on Reason. New York: Penguin Press. Hahn, H. (2007). Quotable Women: An Archive of Memorable Quotes by Women. Available from Harley Hahn web site, www.harley.com/ index.shtml. Haley, J. (1967). Advanced Techniques of Hypnosis and Therapy: Selected Papers of Milton H. Erickson M.D. New York: Grune & Stratton. Hendrix, H. (1988). Getting the Love You Want. New York: Henry Holt and Company. Hicks, J., & Hicks, E. (2006). The Law of Attraction: The Basics of the Teachings of Abraham. Carlsbad, CA: Hay House. Hoff, B. (1982). The Tao of Pooh. New York: Penguin Books. Horn, S. (1996). Tongue Fu! How to Deflect, Disarm, and Defuse Any Verbal Conflict. New York: St. Martin’s Griffin. 171

172 References Howard, G. A. (2000), Remember the Titians. CA: Walt Disney Pictures. Kellogg, M. (1968). Tell Me That You Love Me, Junie Moon. New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux. Kramer, K. P. (2003). Martin Buber’s I and Thou. New York: Paulist Press. Lao Tzu. (1972). Tao Te Ching (Vintage Books ed.). New York: Random House. O’Hanlon, W., & Martin, M. (1992). Solution-Oriented Hypnosis: An Ericksonian Approach. New York: W.W. Norton. Papp, P. (1983). The Process of Change. New York: Guilford Press. Peale, N. V. (2003). The Power of Positive Thinking. New York: Fireside Edition. (Original work published 1952). Rogers, C. (1951). Client-Centered Therapy: Its Current Practice, Implications, and Theory. Boston: Houghton Mifflin. Schleifer, H. (n.d.). www.hedyyumi.org/Tikkun/index.html. Schleifer tells numerous stories about her mother, Miri Muszkal at workshops she gives worldwide. Sutton, R. I. (2007). The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One that Isn’t. New York: Warner Business Books. Thompson, G. (1993). Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion. New York: HarperCollins. Thompson, G., & Jenkins, B. (2004). Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion (Revised ed.). New York: HarperCollins. Ueshiba, K. (1984). The Spirit of Aikido. Trans. by Taitesu Unno. Tokyo: Kodansha International. VanFleet, R. (1994). Filial Therapy: Strengthening Parent-Child Relationships through Play. Sarasota, Florida: Professional Resource Press.

About the Author Kate Cohen-Posey has been practicing psychotherapy in Central Florida since 1973 and is currently the director of Psychiatric and Psychological Services in Lakeland. Her interest in producing informational material for her clients led to the publication of How to Handle Bullies, Teasers, and Other Meanies (Highland City, FL: Rainbow Books, 1995) and Brief Therapy Client Handouts (Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons, 2000). Always seeking more direct, elegant ways of approaching treatment, her current work is an outgrowth of years of training in humanistic, hypnotic, and brief therapies, independent study of Martin Buber’s philosophy, her love of ‘‘verbal aikido¯,’’ and inspiration from within. A dynamic presenter, she has a passion for helping laypeople and professionals discover grace in life’s grueling moments.

173

Index

AAAH acronym, xvi–xvii, xix, 6–7, 131–132, 136–137, 142, 159 Abraham, xiii Accusations, 12, 13, 24, 38, 41 Acting as if, 9–29 in AAAH acronym, xvi–xvii, xix, 6–7, 131–132, 136–137, 142, 159 active listening versus, 73 agreeing in fact, 13, 27, 104–105, 152, 154, 159, 165 agreeing in theory, 12, 13, 27, 36, 104–105, 127, 152, 154, 159, 165 agreeing with possibilities, 13, 159 all purpose confirmations, 26–28, 165 art of agreement, 11–13 case story (farmer legend), 28–29 compliments, 16–22 Bowen’s classic, 128 chasers, 20–21 counting on, 16–22 returning insults with, 27, 152, 154, 159, 163, 165 taking insults as, 27, 152, 154, 159, 163, 165 defined, 159 dramatizing worst outcome, 22–23, 27, 111, 152, 154, 159, 160 Exercise 1 (division director’s remark), 25–26, 27 finding golden nuggets, 16, 17–19, 27, 152, 154, 159, 160 Four Eyes example, 137 humor (in Example), 100 ‘‘it could be a good thing, or a bad thing,’’ 28–29 overview/introduction, 9–10

reverse resistance with psychology, 24–25, 27, 28, 159 speaking things as you want them, 13–16, 27, 28, 152, 154, 159, 165 turning the spotlight, 6 twisting the tone, 21–22, 27, 152, 154, 159 what and why of confirming, 10–11 workshop handout, 152, 154 Active listening, 51–74 in AAAH acronym, xvi–xvii, xix, 6–7, 131–132, 136–137, 142, 159 add-ons to, 65–67 advantages of, 73–74 all-purpose one-liners, 166 assertiveness versus, xviii defined, 159 empathizing, xvi, 52, 53, 65, 72, 146, 153, 155, 159, 160, 166 for empowerment, xix, 67–71 Exercise 4 (division director’s remark), 71–73, 74 filial therapy narrations, 62–64 Four Eyes example, 137 handout, 153, 155 introduction/overview, 50, 51–52 metaphrasing, 51, 66–67, 72, 133, 140, 146, 153, 155, 162 mirror mind, xvi, 56–58 naming the game, 61–62 narrating behavior and diction, 59–61, 72, 153, 155, 159 obedient listening, 53–56, 77, 162 origin of, 52–53 philosophy of dialogue (see Dialogue) refinement of, 64–65

175

176

INDEX

Active listening (Continued) reflective listening (Rogers), 53 rephrasing, xvi, 38, 39, 51, 69, 70, 71, 72, 108, 116, 118, 146, 153, 155, 159, 162, 163, 166 sympathizing, 65, 72, 126, 159, 163, 166 therapeutic triangles, 58–59, 121, 163 validating, xvi, 64, 72, 77, 146, 153, 155, 159, 164, 166 workshops, 146 Active writing, 66 Age regression, 168 Agreeing: all-purpose one-liner, 165 art of agreement, 11–13 defined, 159 disagreeing effortlessly, 108–109 in fact, 13, 27, 104–105, 152, 154, 159, 165 with possibilities, 13, 159 in theory, 12, 13, 27, 36, 104–105, 127, 152, 154, 159, 165 Aikido¯, 1–7 cross training (Step 5), 117–118 defined, 1–2, 159 exercise, nonverbal demonstration, 117–118, 137–138 martial art of, xvi, 1–3, 10, 131, 136 master, 1, 6, 38 word origin, 1–2 Taoism and, xvi, 136 verbal art of, 3–7, 10, 115–116, 152–156 way of harmony, xvi, 136 word origin, 1–2 workshop handout, 152–156 All-purpose/generic one-liners: acting as if, 165 active listening, 166 asking questions, 49–50, 165 Bowen’s classic compliment, 128

confirmations, 26–28, 165 hypnosis, 166 neutralizing negativity, 88 Anger management, 63 Apologizing, 4–5, 65 Arabs/Palestinians, 112–113, 114 Arguments, 13, 111, 119 Arts, verbal. See Verbal arts Asking questions, 31–50 in AAAH acronym, xvi–xvii, xix, 6–7, 131–132, 136–137, 142, 159 all-purpose one-liners, 49–50, 165 Exercise 2 (phony questions), 34 Exercise 3 (division director’s remark), 47–49 Four Eyes exercise, 137 philosophy of dialogue, xvi, 32–33 question types: assumption avoiding, 35–36, 48 curious (open-ended/Socratic), 48, 152, 154 evoking change, 48 evoking inquiry, 41–44, 48, 49, 152, 155, 161 false-choice (bind), 24, 45–46, 48, 77, 80–81, 95, 105, 152, 154, 160, 161, 266 force-choice (double bind), 48, 77, 81–82, 96, 105, 145, 152, 154, 160–161, 166 hidden, 37–39, 48, 49, 94, 140, 145, 152, 154, 161, 165 prediction (with underlying assumptions) (see Predictions) prying prevention, 39–41, 48, 49, 165 pseudoquestions, 34, 49, 145 spotlight effect, 38–39 turning the spotlight by, 6 workshops: handout, 152, 154–155

Index program outline, 134–135 small-group exercises, 139 Assertiveness, xviii–xix, 5, 51–52, 101–103 Assumptions: avoiding, 35–36, 48 underlying, 82–83, 96, 106, 145, 152, 155, 164, 166 Ass-umption/umble, 35 Attacking, xvii, 4–5, 25, 31, 97, 100, 109, 116, 117, 126 Attention deficit disorders, 65 Backlash, handling, 109–111 Ben-Gurion, David, 113 Bergson, Henry, 97, 98 Bind (false choice), 24, 45–46, 48, 77, 80–81, 95, 105, 152, 154, 160, 161, 266 Bind, double (forced choice), 48, 77, 81–82, 96, 105, 145, 152, 154, 160–161, 166 Bipolar disorders, 65 Blocking words, 96, 105, 106, 122, 133, 166 Blowing in the Wind, 31 Boasting, 19 Boldly swinging, 53 Bowen, Murray, 124, 125, 128. See also Family systems therapy Brainstorming, 142 Brief Therapy Client Handouts (CohenPosey), xix, 117, 124, 128 Buber, Martin, xvi–xvii, 13, 33, 43, 53, 55, 77, 111–114, 138, 163 Buddha/Buddhism, xv, xvi, 135–136 Bully busters, 141 But (power word of negating), 92, 96, 151, 153, 155, 166 Challenging words (dare), 90–91, 96, 107, 133, 147, 153, 155, 166 Children. See Filial therapy

177

Civil Rights Act, 25 Clear seeing, 104 Client-centered therapy, 53, 167. See also Rogers, Carl Client versus patient, 52 Closing workshop, 142 Comedy/humor, xviii, 6, 97–100, 105, 137, 161. See also Hypnosis and humor (art of evoking) Four Eyes example, 137 workshops, 148, 153, 156 Compliments, 16–22 Bowen’s classic, 128 chasers, 20–21 counting on, 16–22 returning insults with, 27, 152, 154, 159, 163, 165 taking insults as, 27, 152, 154, 159, 163, 165 Confirmation, 112, 160 Confirming, art of. See Acting as if Conflict, 34, 35, 101 Confrontation, 112 Confucianism, xv, 135, 136 Confusion techniques, 77, 92–94, 148. See also Random responses Congruency, 52 Conversational disconnects, 92. See also Confusion techniques; Random responses Couples counseling/marital therapy, 64, 67, 168 Criticism, 20–21, 41, 46 Cruel Comments Worksheet, 150–155 Curiosity, 48, 152, 154 Dance, Hendrix’s, three steps of, 67, 69 Dance of Deflection, xix, 117 Dare/challenging words, 90–91, 96, 107, 133, 147, 153, 155, 166 Debate, 19, 160 Defending, xiv, xvii, 4–5, 31, 41, 102, 109, 130, 134, 135, 143, 148

178

INDEX

Dependent traits, 120 Dialogue: active listening, 53, 64, 65, 69, 71 Buber’s philosophy of, xvi–xvii, 32–33 defined, 160 Diction, narrating behavior and, 59–61, 72, 153, 155, 159. See also Power words Differentiation, 167 Disagreeing: effortlessly, 108–109 workshops, 137, 143, 150, 154 Discipline, positive, 131 Dispassionate reactions, 98 Distracting, 5 Division director’s remark (‘‘How do you expect to control your case managers when your weight shows that you have no control over yourself?’’): acting as if in response to (Exercise 1), 25–26 active listening in response to (Exercise 4), 71–73 asking questions in response to (Exercise 3), 47–49 power words (trying), 88 random response example, 93 Domestic violence, 122, 124 Don Rickles exercise, 129, 141 Dramatizing, 22–23, 27, 111, 152, 154, 159, 160 Dueling monologues, 43 Dylan, Bob, 31 EEOC regulations, 25, 48–49 Effortless effort (wei wu wei), xxii Ego states, identification of conflicting, 168 Eichman, Adolf, 113 Einstein, Albert, 114

Embedded (hidden) suggestions, xvii, 55, 76, 90, 106, 121, 147, 152, 153, 155, 160, 161, 163 Emotional cutoff, 125, 167 Emotional logic, 65 Emotion/feelings, identifying, 57, 69 Empathy/empathizing, xvi, 52, 53, 65, 72, 121, 127–128, 146, 153, 155, 159, 160, 166 Empowering Dialogues Within (CohenPosey), 117, 121 Empowerment, xiv, 10–11, 67–71 Equal Employee Opportunity (EEO) law violations, 25, 48–49 Erickson, Milton, 69, 75, 76, 92–93, 168 Eternal Thou (God Force), xvii Evoking: art of (see Hypnosis and humor (art of evoking)) change, 48 inquiry, 41–44, 48, 49, 152, 155, 160, 161, 165 Example 1, 10 Example 2, 11 Example 3, 11, 104 Example 4, 12, 104 Example 5, 12 Example 6, 12 Example 7, 13 Example 8, 13, 139 Example 9, 14, 79, 139 Example 10, 14, 15, 79, 139 Example 11, 14, 78, 139 Example 12, 16 Example 13, 16 Example 14, 17, 24, 85 Example 15, 18 Example 16, 18 Example 17, 18, 104, 105 Example 18, 18–19, 37, 98, 140 Example 19, 20, 21, 139, 140 Example 20, 20, 22, 139, 140 Example 21, 20, 22, 139, 140

Index Example 22, 22, 111, 140 Example 23, 22, 111, 140 Example 24, 23, 94, 111 Example 25, 23, 111 Example 26, 23, 111 Example 27, 24, 86 Example 28, 25, 85, 86 Example 29, 25, 37, 78, 86 Example 30, 25, 37, 86 Example 31, 32–33 Example 32, 35, 37, 88 Example 33, 35–36, 38, 78 Example 34, 36 Example 35, 38–39, 73, 98 Example 36, 40 Example 37, 40 Example 38, 40 Example 39, 40 Example 40, 41 Example 41, 36, 108, 140 Example 42, 36, 108, 140 Example 43, 36, 108, 140 Example 44, 36, 43–44, 108 Example 45, 45, 46, 80, 81, 83, 84 Example 46, 45, 46, 52, 80, 81, 82, 82, 83, 84 Example 47, 45, 46, 81, 83, 84 Example 48, 45, 47, 81, 82, 83, 84 Example 49, 52, 73 Example 50, 53, 54–55, 56, 74 Example 51, 56, 57 Example 52, 57 Example 53, 57 Example 54, 58–59, 89 Example 54, 121 Example 55, 59, 121 Example 56, 59, 121 Example 57, 60, 61, 89–90 Example 58, 60, 66, 89, 90 Example 59, 61, 66, 89, 118–119 Example 60, 61, 67, 92 Example 61, 67–68, 69, 89 Example 62, 68, 69

179

Example 63, 68–69, 108 Example 64, 70–71 Example 65, 87 Example 66, 87, 88 Example 67, 90 Example 68, 91, 92 Example 69, 91 Example 70, 93, 94 Example 71, 93–94 Example 72, 98 Example 73, 99 Example 74, 99, 100 Example 75, 99–100 Example 76, 105 Example 77, 105 Example 78, 105 Example 79, 105 Example 80, 106, 107 Example 81, 106 Example 82, 106 Example 83, 106 Example 84, 106 Example 85, 107 Example 86, 107 Example 87, 121, 126, 129 Example 88, 127 Example 89, 127 Exercise 1 (division director’s remark, acting as if in response to), 26–27 Exercise 2 (phony questions), 34 Exercise 3 (division director’s remark, asking questions in response to), 47–49 Exercise 4 (division director’s remark, active listening in response to), 71–73 Exercise 5 (hypnotic language), 95–97 False-choice (bind), 24, 45–46, 48, 77, 80–81, 95, 105, 152, 154, 160, 161, 266 Family dysfunction, 125–138

180

INDEX

Family systems therapy, 124, 128, 167–168 Feedback form, workshop, 148–149 Fight/flight instinctual response to attack, 31, 97 Filial therapy, 62–64, 77, 168 Force-choice (double bind), 48, 77, 81–82, 96, 105, 145, 152, 154, 160–161, 166 Four Eyes exercise, 134, 136–137 Frank, Anne, 9 Friedman, Maurice, 114 Game, naming the, 61–62 Gandhi, 112, 113 Generic one-liners. See All-purpose/ generic one-liners Genuine questions, 41–44, 48, 49, 152, 155, 161, 165 Germany, 112 Goals of positive speaking, 124–125 God Force (Eternal Thou), xvii Godwin, Gail, 115 Golden lies, 14–15, 62, 139 Golden nuggets, 16, 17–19, 27, 152, 154, 159, 160 Gore, Al, 129 Group-mind, 130 Gurney, Bernard and Louise, 168 Handouts: Brief Therapy Client Handouts, xix, 117, 124, 128 workshop, 150–156 Hendrix, Harville, 64, 67, 69, 169 Herzl, Theodor, 112 Hesse, Herman, 114 Hicks, Jerry and Esther, xiii Hidden questions, 37–39, 48, 49, 94, 140, 145, 152, 154, 161, 165 Hidden suggestions, xvii, 55, 90, 106, 121, 147, 152, 153, 155, 160, 161, 163

High-wire families, maintaining balance with, 125–128 Hillel, 101 Hitler, Adolf, 113 Holocaust, 113 Horn, Sam (Tongue Fu), 61–62 How to Handle Bullies, Teasers, and Other Meanies (Cohen-Posey), xiv, xix, 117 Human element, 97 Hypnosis and humor (art of evoking), xvii–xix, 75–100 in AAAH acronym, xvi–xvii, xix, 6–7, 131–132, 136–137, 142, 159 advanced hypnotic patterns, 79–94 all purpose one-liners, 166 basics in the verbal arts, 78–79 in case story, 15 case story: hypnotic narration, 76–77 comedy/humor, xviii, 6, 97–100, 105, 137, 161 Four Eyes example, 137 workshops, 148, 153, 156 Exercise 5, 95–97 handouts, 153, 155–156 ‘‘Milton Model’’ of hypnosis, 79 (see also Erickson, Milton) modern hypnotherapy, 76–77 overuse of, 97 overview/introduction, xvi, xvii–xix, 74, 75–76 suggested patterns, 95–97 verbal arts interface, 92 word origin, 75 workshops, 141, 146–147 handout, 153, 155–156 outline, 138–139 Hypnotherapy, 168 Hypnotic hooks, 43 Hypnotic language techniques, 161 blocking words (try), 96, 105, 106, 122, 133, 166

Index challenging words (dare), 90–91, 96, 107, 133, 147, 153, 155, 166 confusion techniques/random responses, 77, 92–94, 96, 148, 153, 156, 161 embedded (hidden) suggestions, xvii, 55, 90, 106, 121, 147, 152, 153, 155, 160, 161, 163 false choice, 80–81, 95 (see also Bind (false choice)) forced choice, 81–82, 96(see also Bind, double (forced choice)) implied directives, 84, 96, 153, 155, 161 negation (but), 92, 96, 151, 153, 155, 166 paired opposites, 87, 94, 96, 107, 147, 153, 155, 161, 162, 166 power words, 87–92, 121, 147, 153, 155, 161, 162 predictions (see Predictions) serial suggestions, 76, 85, 86, 96, 105, 147, 153, 155, 161, 163, 166 truisms, xvii, 76, 79–80, 95, 96, 106, 120, 141, 147, 153, 155, 161, 163, 166 underlying assumptions, 82–83, 96 (see also Predictions) utilization, 85–87, 96, 105, 106, 120, 147, 153, 155, 161, 164, 166 I and Thou, 33, 138 ‘‘I-it’’ stand, xvi, 33, 138. See also Buber, Martin Imago relationship therapy, 64, 168– 169 Implied directives, 84, 96, 147, 148, 153, 155, 161, 166 Inborn Thou, xvii, 33 Inner bullies, 120–121 Inquiry. See Asking questions Insight, 73

181

Instinctual reactions, xiv, 4–5, 25, 31, 97, 132, 135, 143 apologizing, 4–5 asserting, 5 attacking, 4–5 defending, 4–5 distracting, 5 fight/flee, 31, 97 lecturing, 4–5 reassuring, 4–5 versus response, 6–7 withdrawing, 4–5 Insults: pseudoquestions, 34 returning with a compliment, 19–20, 27, 152, 154, 159, 165 taking as a compliment, 16–17, 27, 152, 154, 159, 165 Interrupting patterned habits, 92–93 I-position, 102, 161 Israelis, 113 I-statements, 102 ‘‘I-Thou’’ moments of meeting, xvi– xvii, 33, 53, 64, 124–125, 138, 162 Jealousy, 24–25, 57–58 Jewish Peace Fellowship, 113 Jews/Zionism, 112–113 Judea, 101 Judging, 11, 13, 33 Kellogg, Marjorie, 51 Lao Tzu, xv, 56, 136 Law of Attraction, The (Hicks & Hicks), xiii Learning objectives, workshop, 132–133 Lecturing as instinctual reaction, 4–5 Listening. See Active listening Marital therapists, active listening, 64 Martial arts, 1–7, 136, 159 Materials, workshops, 133

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INDEX

Meditation, 61, 62, 64, 67 Meeting, ‘‘I-Thou’’ moments of, xvi–xvii, 33, 53, 64, 124–125, 138, 162 Metaphrasing, 51, 66–67, 72 defined, 162 workshops, 133, 140, 146, 153, 155 Mirroring, xvi, 52, 64 Mirror mind, xvi, 56–58, 59, 67, 131 Mirror neurons, 6 Mood swings, 124 Muszkal, Miri, 99 Naming the game, 61–62 Narrating, xvi, 59–64, 77, 159, 162 Nazi atrocities, 112 Negating word (but), 92, 96, 151, 153, 155, 166 No Asshole Rule, The (Sutton), xiv Non verbal exercise/demonstration, 117–118, 137–138 Now (power word), 91–92 Obedient listening, 53–56, 77, 162 One-liners. See All-purpose/generic one-liners Open-ended questions, 152, 154 Opposing. See Taking a stand by opposing Opposites. See Paired opposites Pain suppression, 168 Paired opposites, 87, 94, 96, 107, 147, 153, 155, 161, 162, 166 Palestine, 112–113 Papp, Peggy, 58 Paraphrasing. See Rephrasing Parenting: examples, taking a stand by opposing, 105–106 parenting skills movement, 53 withholding, versus taking away, 107

workshops: program description, 131–132 verbal aikido¯ responses, 154–156 Partner selection, relationships, 168–169 Peale, Norman Vincent (The Power of Positive Thinking), xiii, 135 Performance anxiety, 134 Performance evaluations and EEOC, 48–49 Philosophy of Dialogue, xvi–xvii, 32–33, 160 Physical abuse, 122 Physical handicaps, 25 Pica (eating disorder), 76 Pointers for Deflecting, 117 Positive speaking: AAAH acronym for steps of, xvi–xvii, xix, 6–7, 131–132, 136–137, 142, 159 (see also each step) goals, 124–125 limits of, 122–124 origins/sources of, xiv–xix (see also each source) hypnosis and humor, xvii–xix philosophy of dialogue, xvi–xvii Taoism, xv–xvi powers/skills, xiv–xv quiz (workshops), 142–148 rule, xiv teaching (see Teaching positive speaking to clients; Workshops) Power of Positive Thinking (Peale), xiii, 135 Power over versus power with, 3 Power words, 87–92, 121, 147, 153, 155, 161, 162 Predictions: asking questions, 46–47, 152, 155 hypnotic language, 77, 79, 83, 96, 161, 162

Index workshops, 139, 140, 146, 147, 148, 152, 155 Program description, workshop, 131–132 Program outline, 133–142 Prying prevention questions, 39–41, 48, 49, 165 Pseudoquestions, 34, 49, 145 Psychotherapy approaches, 167–169 client centered therapy, 167 family systems therapy, 167–168 filial therapy, 168 hypnotherapy, 168 imago relationship therapy, 168–169 Questionnaire, workshop, 150 Questions. See Asking questions Quiz, workshop, 142–148 answers, 155–157 Racial prejudice, 41 Racist comments, 18, 104, 105 Random responses, 93, 96, 153, 156, 161, 162–163, 166 Reassuring, 4–5, 33, 118, 137, 143 Reflective listening, 53 Relationship examples, 106–107 Relationship therapy: couples counseling/marital therapy, 64, 67, 168 Imago, 64, 168–169 Relaxation, 76 Remember the Titans, 41 Rephrasing, xvi, 38, 39, 51, 69, 70, 71, 72, 108, 116, 118, 146, 153, 155, 159, 162, 163, 166 Resistance, 24–25, 27, 28, 75, 80, 87, 94, 118, 137–138, 165 Resumes, 148 Reverse Don Rickles exercise, 129, 141 Reverse psychology, 11, 56, 85, 121, 159, 163. See also Utilization

183

Reverse resistance, 24–25, 27, 28, 165 Rigidity, 97, 98 Rogers, Carl, 52, 53, 56, 64. See also Client-centered therapy Role play, 116, 118 Rossi, Ernest, 75 Sarcasm, 15 Schweitzer, Albert, 114 Science of Deliberate Creation, xiii Secret, The (Byrne), xiii Self-esteem, 131 Serial suggestions, 76, 85, 86, 96, 105, 147, 153, 155, 161, 163, 166 Sexual orientation, 25, 41 Should (S-word), 136 Six Day War, 113 Socrates, 31, 33 Soul-force, 112 Speaking it as you want it, 13–16, 27, 28, 132, 152, 154, 159, 163, 165 Sportscaster-style technique, 60 Spotlight effect, 5–6, 38–39, 56, 58, 74 Stevenson, Adlai, xiii Substance abuse, 43, 124 Suggestions: hidden, 121, 152, 153, 155 serial, 85, 86, 96, 105, 147, 153, 155, 161, 163, 166 Sutton, Robert I. (The No Asshole Rule), xiv S-word (should), 136 Sword of insertion, 65 Sympathizing, 65, 72, 126, 159, 163, 166 Taking a stand by opposing, 101–114 backlash, handing, 109–111 Buber’s definition of confirmation, 111–114 case story: Kate and Bob, 102–103 case story: Kate and Henry, 109–110 disagreeing effortlessly, 108–109 effortlessly, 103–107

184

INDEX

Taking a stand by opposing (Continued) goals of positive speaking, 125 high-wire family example, 127 ‘‘I’’ position, 102 I statements, 102 parenting examples, 105–106 relationship examples, 106–107 Taoist principle of wu wei, 103–104 (see also Taoism) Taking offense, 10 Taoism, xv–xvi, xix, xxii, 2, 53, 56, 103–104, 114, 130, 135, 136 Tao Te Ching, xv, 56 Teacher/parent workshops: program description, 131–132 verbal aikido¯ responses, 154–156 Teaching positive speaking to clients, 115–128. See also Workshops aikido¯ cross training (Step 5), 117–118 goals, 124–125 high-wire families, maintaining balance with, 125–128 interference from inner bullies, 120–121 limits of positive speaking, 122–124 positive speaking for interpersonal issues, 118–120 training steps (ten), 115–117 Tell Me That You Love Me, Junie Moon, 51 Therapeutic triangles, 58–59, 121, 163 Therapies. See Psychotherapy approaches Therapists, three qualities, 52 Thompson, George, 65 Thought disorders, 124 Timely responses, 91 Training. See Teaching positive speaking to clients; Workshops Trance, 75

Triangles. See Therapeutic triangles Triangulation, 167 Truisms, xvii, 76, 79–80, 95, 96, 106, 120, 141, 147, 153, 155, 161, 163, 166 Try (power word), 88–89 Turning, 163 Turning the spotlight, 5–6 Twisting the tone, 21–22, 27, 139, 152, 154, 159, 164 Ueshiba, Morihei, 1, 3, 38 Ultimate connection, 64 Unconditional positive regard, 52 Underlying assumptions. See Assumptions, underlying Understanding, art of. See Active listening United Nations, 113 Utilization, 85–87, 96, 105, 106, 120, 147, 153, 155, 161, 164, 166 Validating, xvi, 64, 72, 77, 146, 153, 155, 159, 164, 166 VanFleet, Rise¨, 64, 168 Verbal aikido¯ responses, 152–156 Verbal arts: AAAH acronym, 6–7 all-purpose one-liners, 165–166 basic techniques, 6–7, 101 versus couples counseling, 67 defined, 159 goals, 124 versus instinctual reactions, 4–5 versus martial arts, 3 response versus reaction, 67 terms defined, 159–164 turning the spotlight, 5–6 wasted on people under influence of alcohol/drugs, 124 Verbal Judo (George Thompson), 65 Verbal paralysis, 52 Video talk, 76

Index Vinegar tasters, three, xv, 135 Visualization, 168 Wei wu wei (effortless effort), xxii Western philosophy, 138. See also Buber, Martin Withdrawing, xiv, xvii, 4–5, 134 Withholding, versus taking away, 107 Workshops, 129–157 Cruel Comments Worksheet, 150–151 feedback form, 148–149 handout, 150–156 learning objectives, 132–133 materials, 133

parent/teacher program description, 131–132 program description, 131–132 questionnaire, 150 quiz, 142–148 quiz answers, 156–157 scripted program outline, 133–142 title possibilities, 130–131 verbal aikido¯ responses, 152–156 Wu wei, xvi, xix, xxii, 2, 114, 130 Yin yang, 2, 136 Zionism, 112–113

185

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