Mad About Cats

MAD ABOUT CATS Copyright © Summersdale Publishers Ltd, 2006 Illustrations by Salma Conway Condition of Sale This book i...

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MAD ABOUT CATS Copyright © Summersdale Publishers Ltd, 2006 Illustrations by Salma Conway Condition of Sale This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent publisher. Summersdale Publishers Ltd 46 West Street Chichester West Sussex PO19 1RP UK www.summersdale.com ISBN: 1-84024-518-2 ISBN: 978-1-84024-518-9

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You know you’re mad about cats when...

You keep a snippet of your cat’s fur in a locket.


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You agonise more over getting your cat neutered than you do about giving your kids the MMR jab.


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Your will states that upon death, your entire estate goes to your cat… partly because no one else wants to inherit several rusty tins of Whiskas.


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You’ve converted your spare room into a battery fish farm.


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Most kids have an imaginary friend. You had an imaginary cat.


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You change your birth date and gain Chinese citizenship – just so you can tell people that you were born in the Year of the Cat. 11

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You feed your cat GM foods in the hope that he’ll grow big enough to kill the dog next door.


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You develop RSI from too much obsessive cat stroking.

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You put your newborn baby up for adoption because it wasn’t furry enough.


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Famous cat lovers

Dr Albert Schweitzer, the 1952 Nobel Peace Prize Winner, became ambidextrous in order to accommodate his cat Sizi. Whenever Sizi fell asleep on the doctor’s arm, he would obediently write prescriptions with his other hand to avoid waking her.


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Famous cat lovers

Renowned scientist and philosopher Sir Isaac Newton was an ardent cat lover, who believed in preserving the liberty and dignity of the feline race. Thus, in order that his cats might wander in and out of his house at will as he continued his research uninterrupted, he created the very first cat-flap.


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You want your cat to travel in style so you buy him a Fur rari.


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You try to persuade your local police force to replace their dogs with cats, telling them it will improve paw and order.


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Your freezer is full of dead pigeons.

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You refuse to admit that your precious tom is fat; he’s just horizontally challenged.


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Your choice of holiday depends on which airport has the finest cattery en route.

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You hate dogs.

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Famous cat lovers

It was said that the famous poet Petrach loved his cat even more than his idolised lover, Laura. When he died, his adored pet was put down and mummified in remembrance of him.


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Famous cat lovers

Cardinal Richelieu, an influential French Cardinal of the sixteenth century, had a cattery constructed at Versailles especially for his cats, and employed a team of overseers to feed them chicken paté twice daily. Both the overseers and the cats were generously provided for in the Cardinal’s will.


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People never seem relaxed in your living room… perhaps because it’s full of glassencased stuffed cats that you’ve loved and lost over the years.


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Instead of asking how your weekend was, your work colleagues ask how your cats are doing.


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You’ve replaced photos of your family with stills from Born Free.


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In order to share a greater affinity with your tom, you have a ‘human-flap’ installed.


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You are investigated by the RSPCA for keeping mice especially for your cat to hunt.


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You own enough furry felines to stage your own production of Cats.


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You eat from a bowl on the kitchen floor while your cat dines in splendour at the table.


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You get thrown out of your clay-modelling class when you attempt to sculpt a life-size Sphinx in the studio.


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Famous cat lovers

The prophet Mohammed’s love of cats extended to ensuring the utmost comfort of his moggy Muezza. It is said that one day when he was being called to prayer he cut off the sleeve of his robe rather than disturb the sleeping cat.


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Famous cat lovers

An Egyptian sultan in the thirteenth century left his entire fortune to the stray cats of Cairo, his legacy ensuring that for years to come homeless and impoverished cats were entitled to receive a free daily meal.


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You cry whenever Jerry gets the upper hand over Tom.


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You insist your cat’s ‘never done that before’ when he jumps up on the dinner table to steal your guests’ food.


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The first two items on your wedding list are a fine crystal water bowl and bone china dish so kitty can dine in style.


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You’re late for work because you had to blowdry and style kitty’s fur.


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You spend hours in the supermarket agonising over cat food: Tender Terrine with Rabbit and Chicken or Delicious Turkey Morsels in a Succulent Jelly?


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You put your back out sleeping on a thin strip of the bed. Well, you wouldn’t want to wake kitty, would you?


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You are on first name terms with all the local firemen.


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You teach your cat to read and write so that, on the very rare occasions when you’re apart, you can still keep in touch.


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Famous cat lovers

Freddie Mercury owned a harem of cats – named Tom, Jerry, Oscar, Tiffany, Lily, Goliath, Miko, Romeo and Delilah. He loved them so dearly that he commissioned paintings of them all, and even wrote a song about his favourite, Delilah.


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Famous cat lovers

Inscription on the Royal Tombs at Thebes: ‘Thou art the Great Cat, the avenger of the gods, and the judge of words, and the president of the sovereign chiefs and the governor of the holy Circle; thou art indeed… the Great Cat.’


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You only ever date fellow cat-owners. The breaking point in your relationship comes when your respective cats meet for the first time…


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Your refrigerator contains up to four different flavours of cat food at any time, each of which has been opened by you and rejected by your cat.


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You have a Best Cat at your wedding. Naturally the speech is a tad disappointing but the imaginative way he wears his buttonhole keeps the guests amused.


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You lose your job at the pet shop because you refuse to sell any of the cats.


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You get your photos developed… and there’s not a single shot of a human being.


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You have a bumper sticker which reads: ‘You can never have enough cats.’


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You sit through mindnumbing adverts rather than risk disturbing the cat, who is sleeping peacefully on the remote.


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Your choice of friends is determined by whether or not your cat likes them.


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You never leave the house… except to feed stray cats in your street.


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Your friend calls for a chat and you won’t let them off the phone until they’ve said a few words to your cat.


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Your cat sleeps on your head, and you like it.


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You and your cat have matching ID tags.


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Friends no longer offer you the use of their lint brushes, having realised your battle with fur has long since been lost.


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Your cat is introduced by name to any newcomer to your house.


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You don’t understand why people make such a fuss about cats leaving ‘scratch marks’; they’re merely personalising the upholstery.


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Famous cat lovers

Raymond Chandler regarded his black Persian, named Taki, as though she were human. Taki had developed the habit of sitting on his manuscripts as he tried to revise them, and so he often referred to her as his ‘secretary’.


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Famous cat lovers

Mark Twain’s daughter Susy once observed of her father, ‘The difference between Papa and Mamma is that Mamma loves morals and Papa loves cats.’ The highly esteemed writer had no fewer than eleven cats, who all lived with him on his farm in Connecticut.


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You’re a great cook. As long as it’s Kitekat or Sheba.


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Famous cat lovers

The Paris home of Swiss artist Theophile Steinlen was christened ‘Cats Corner’ due to his tendency to incorporate his beloved cats into most of his designs.


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Famous cat lovers

Jock, the favourite orange tabby of Sir Winston Churchill, slept in his master’s bed every night and attended wartime cabinet meetings.


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You and your friends bunch up on a tiny sofa while your cat stretches out on his very own luxury armchair.


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You and your spouse got rid of the kids… because the cat was allergic.


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You’ve taken to wearing a necklace fitted with a bell.


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Your neighbour suspects you of dealing drugs but when the police search your property, all they find is a greenhouse full of catnip.


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Famous cat lovers

Eighteenth-century writer Samuel Johnson doted upon his pet cat, Hodge. This pampered moggy dined on oysters fetched by Johnson himself, who preferred not to entrust this important job to one of his servants.


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Famous cat lovers

Artist and author Edward Lear owned a pet tabby named Foss, who was the inspiration for the drawings which accompanied his famous rhyme, ‘The Owl and the Pussycat’. When Lear decided to move to San Remo in Italy, he employed an architect to design and build an exact likeness of his English home, to minimise stress caused to Foss during the move.


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You renounce your religion in favour of Ancient Egyptian cat-worship.


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You count kittens, not sheep.

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www.summersdale.com


05/05/2006 11:14:02

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