Karlology

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Karlology W h a t I've learnt so far

K a r l

P i l k i n g t o n

m Dorling

Kindersley

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m LONDON. NEW YORK, M E L B O U R N E . M U N I C H . A N D l>l l III First published in t h e U n i t e d States in 2 0 0 8 by DK P u b l i s h i n g , 375 H u d s o n Street. N e w Y o r k . N e w York 10014 C o p y r i g h t •< 2 0 0 8 K.irl P i l k i n g t o n 0 8 0 9 10 II 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 I K D 1 2 7 - 1(1/08 All rights reserved W i t h o u t l i m i t i n g t h e r i g h t s u n d e r c o p y r i g h t reserved a b o v e , n o part of this publication may be r e p r o d u c e d , stored in or i n t r o d u c e d into .i retrieval system, or t r a n s m i t t e d , in a n y f o r m , or by any m e a n s (electronic, m e c h a n i c a l , p h o t o c o p y i n g , r e c o r d i n g , or o t h e r w i s e ) , w i t h o u t t h e p r i o r w r i t t e n p e r m i s s i o n o f b o t h t h e c o p y r i g h t o w n e r a n d t h e above p u b l i s h e r o f this b o o k . Published in G r e a t Britain by D o r l i n g Kindersley L i m i t e d . A catalog record for this b o o k is available f r o m t h e Library ol C o n g r e s s . ISBN: 978-0-7566-3991-4 Jacket p h o t o g r a p h y by Hen M o r r i s M o d e l p h o t o g r a p h y by G u y A r c h a r d w i t h additional p h o t o g r a p h y by Sarah A s h u n T h e publisher w o u l d also like to t h a n k t h e f o l l o w i n g for k i n d p e r m i s s i o n t o use their i m a g e s ( a - a b o v e ; b - b e l o w / b o t t o m ; c - c e m r e ; f-far; 1-left: r - r i g h t ; t - t o p ) C o r b i s : 9 4 - 9 5 : Francis G. M a y e r 70bl; T h e G a l l e r y C o l l e c t i o n 186-187; G e t t y I m a g e s : G K H a r t / V i k k i Hart 140-141; A r t h u r Sassc / A F P I9clb (Einstein). 169bl (Einstein); T h o m a s M a r e n t : 7 8 - 7 9 ; PA P h o t o s : Ben M a r g o t / A P 157cla; R e u t e r s : C l a r o C o r t e s I57fcla All o t h e r images C D o r l i n g Kindersley For f u r t h e r i n f o r m a t i o n see: w w w . d k i m a g e s . c o m DK b o o k s arc available at special d i s c o u n t s w h e n purchased in bulk for sales p r o m o t i o n s , p r e m i u m s , f u n d - r a i s i n g , o r e d u c a t i o n a l use. For details, c o n t a c t : DK P u b l i s h i n g Special M a r k e t s . 3 7 5 H u d s o n Street. N e w York. N e w York 10014 or [email protected]. Designed and typeset by D o r l i n g Kindersley in 11.5/15.5 B e m b o P r i n t e d and b o u n d in Italy by L e g o D i s c o v e r m o r e at www.dk.com

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Foreword I hoy sav the more you know, the more you k n o w you •

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don't know. I don't k n o w w h o first said this (which proves the saying is right), and I don't k n o w w h o came up with this one either: "All we k n o w is still infinitely less than all that still remains u n k n o w n " . It's c o m m e n t s like these that put me off t r y i n g to learn. I don't k n o w if I 'm cut out to be really intelligent. We're all born with a brain, but are we all born with the same quality of brain? T h e n again, it's easy to blame the brain but sometimes it's my eyes that are lazy. W h e n 1 try to read facts or information, m y eyes drift away onto s o m e t h i n g else, so the chance of having my eyes w o r k i n g and my brain interested at the same time is small. T h e n there's my ears: they might hear s o m e t h i n g that tells the brain to stop reading and tells the eyes to g o and have a look at what the ears heard. I don't k n o w which one of these senses makes the main decisions in my life. 4

Maybe this is why I don't k n o w m u c h .

The day I had a brain scan p.18

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Karl will never be a high-flier

H E R E ' S A FAMOUS Q U O T E that goes something like " S h o w me the hoy at seven and I II show you the man". Mrs Mathews, my infant school head teacher, thought she could do that, but she couldn't. T h o u g h she m i g h t have been right if she'd said it about J o h n Totton, the school midget, as I'm guessing he didn't change his looks that much. "Karl will never be a high-flier" was what she said to m e m a m and dad at m y first parents' evening. S o m e kids would take that c o m m e n t as a challenge and go on to try to prove her wrong, but my brain decided to deal with it by going on strike. I don't think anyone in that school was gonna he a h i g h flier. T h e kids hated being there and so did the teachers. I put it d o w n to the state of the school. I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say the Colosseum in K o m e is in bet-

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KARL OLOGY

tor condition than some of them classrooms were. The fact the school was knocked d o w n in 1979 and the Colosseum is still standing is evidence of this. T h e school was a right mess. It must have been built on the cheap in the late 50s or early 60s. It was made from more wood than brick and was placed in the middle of a big field, with the council estate w h e r e I grew up on one side, and a big chemical plant and swamp surrounded by electricity pylons (that gave off a constant loud buzz) on the other. I don't k n o w what sort of chemicals they were k n o c k i n g out at the plant, but in every assembly we were told by Mrs Mathews to stay away from the field's b o u n d a ries. We never k n e w why this was so important until one m o r n i n g when she brought out a pupil w h o ' d got too close to the boundary and had burnt his face on the grass. To this day I don't k n o w what it was that caused his burns, but for years I thought that's why there were " k e e p off the grass" signs in parks. T h e r e was also a major problem with Hies c o m i n g f r o m the swamp. It got so bad one hot s u m m e r that our h o m e work was tc come up with ways to keep Hies out of the classroom. I asked m e dad for help. His advice was "put a bucket of shit in the corridor". He then told me how a mate of his put an advert in the local newspaper years ago

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Ktiri trill ncirr

be a high

that read. " G u a r a n t e e d to get rid of unwanted flies. Works 10(1%. Send payment to receive your fly killing kit N O W " . People sent the payment and all he sent back to them was a small block of w o o d and some instructions that read. "Place fly on block of wood and hit with hammer. ( H a m m e r not included.)" M e dad said the bloke got away with it as it did work if you could get hold of the fly. I came up with Sel.otape sprinkled with sugar. I don't like killing things, so this seemed like a nicer way for them to go as at least they'd have a nice meal before they died - a bit like prisoners on death row. Most kids just took in cans of fly spray. I think the class o f ' 7 9 single-handedly did in the ozone layer with al! them C F G gases. Like I say, I don't thi nk any pupils w h o went to that school learnt much from being there, but maybe now. due to the chemical plant, poisonous grass and intake of fly spray, a few of them n o w have superpowers. For the few years I was there. I can't recall seeing a caretaker. T h a t j o b was done by kills held back after school for being naughty. Instead of doing lines or reading a book, they'd re-putty windows or rub d o w n

md paint door

frames. I was held back twice and told to weed the playground. T h e r e were some j o b s that kids weren't qualified t o do — like repairing holes in the root and walls — so they

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were just left to get worse, which m e a n t that some of the school's rooms could only he used in certain weather. I was at that school lor t w o or three years before they knocked it d o w n , and apart f r o m one hot s u m m e r I don't think I ever took my coat off. As music was probably seen as the least important subject, music lessons were done in one of the worst rooms (that's if they weren't already cancelled due to the teacher being off with flu). It was so freezing in that r o o m , the maracas shook on their o w n . Religious education was another subject that didn't seem to be taken seriously, as the lessons were mainly done in the cloakroom. (The space may as well have been used for s o m e t h i n g - seeing as n o b o d y ever took their coat off.) It was hard for us to understand why there was so much fuss about Jesus being born in a stable when here we were sat somewhere equally as grim. To make the space a bit more bearable, the cloakroom was also where the school pets were kept. Most schools had a hamster or a gerbil, but Mrs M a t h e w s decided terrapins might be more at h o m e in our school due to the cooler, d a m p e r conditions. But I think it was too d a m p as they seemed to go all mouldy, and the school had to get rid of them in the end as some kids got really sick from h a n d l i n g them. English was the most important lesson of all and was

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K A K L O I OCY

people need laughter. I t h o u g h t about this more on the way h o m e . Maybe the brain doesn't really like laughing. Mad people w h o have faults with their brain laugh a lot, and babies whose brains haven't g r o w n properly love a good laugh, but it seems that normal brains don't have time for having a laugh. A n o t h e r example is h o w you can't tickle yourself. T h e brain doesn't let you d o it. W h e n I have had the o d d laughing fit, it's normally my brain that has to step in and put a stop to it by t h i n k i n g of serious things. I got my Mensa results a few weeks later. T h e y were a j o k e , but again, my brain didn't laugh. Anyway, I decided that for this chapter it would be good to have a picture of m y brain because, at the end of the day, it's that that's come up with what I'm telling you. I found a lad on the internet w h o could get his hands on an M R I scanning machine, l ie said he could get me some good shots of m y brain. /

I like to think about my brain a lot (which proves it loves itself as well as being in charge), but I can't get m e head a r o u n d h o w the brain was created. I can grasp how h u mans might have developed from fish over time, but it's the brain bit that gets me. Scientists always use the evolution a r g u m e n t when they don't k n o w h o w things have g r o w n an extra leg or learnt to fly, but I don't understand h o w

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Tlw (hiy I had a brain scan

the brain could evolve. Evolve from what? I have a theory that the brain might have c o m e f r o m another planet where brains ruled. A planet where there was no atmosphere and the brains just floated around t h i n k i n g about stuff all day. T h e y quickly became advanced because of the a m o u n t of t h i n k i n g being done. T h e n , somehow, they came to planet Earth but found they were useless because they couldn't move about by floating any more. So one of the brainier ones got into a monkey's head ... and the rest is history. Like I say, it's just a theory. Six days after emailing the lad about the brain scan, there I was in a b u n k e r deep below a London university (not far from where I took my Mensa test) with H u g o and J o e and a million-pound camera. Joe explained how it worked, I pretended 1 understood. If he'd taken a picture of what my brain was doing at that point, he would have seen it overheating. I could tell that J o e loved that machine. He said stuff like, "There's plenty of elbow room, more than 27 inches from side to side for a more comfortable shoulder, chest or upper abdomen scan". He was the Jeremy Clarkson of scanning machines: " T r u e comfort and quality - some patients drift off to sleep, it's so comfortable". If the medical profession doesn't work out for Joe. he could easily get a j o b on Q V C Hogging these scanners. He told me

One oft he brainier brains had had enough and escaped from brain planet and landed on earth

There was a planet where only brains existed. They did nothing butfloat about and thinKabout stufF.

The brain sat thinking, as that's all it could do. Until a chimp came along.

Onlyproblem was, it couldn'tfloat about on earth like it could on its own planet. It had been using all its brain power to plan thejourney route and went andforgot about the gravity problem.

The brain noticed that the chimp was a bit gormless but was able to move around. Luckily the chimp has massive ears so the brain decided to use up all the power it had to climb up and into the ears when the gormless chimp was asleep.

Luckily there wasn't much else in the head so the brainhadroom to sit quite happily, And within no time the chimp was being guided by the brain.

Something else that is quite weird is the way that a chimps arse looks similar to the brain. I wonder ifanother brain attempted to get into the chimp via the bum, and the way it looks now is a hangover from that. Just another theory.

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K A R L O I IW»Y

h o w they're getting more and more p o w e r f u l . I said they'll have to stop at some point, though, or they'll get to a point where they see right through the head altogether, which would be pointless. I started to feel a bit nervous about c o m i n g face to face with my brain, or was it my brain that felt nervous about me seeing it? I get like this whenever I have any sort of medical test as the doctors always seem to find something. That's what doctors do. They're like archaeologists w h o keep digging until they hit bone, or car mechanics w h o always find s o m e t h i n g that needs replacing. So I prefer to leave it for as long as possible before having a check-up. T h e last time I went to the doctor's was because Suzanne told me to get a wart checked. I went to the walk-in clinic in Soho and explained at the reception that I had a wart m y girlfriend was worried about. T h e y sent me through to the nurse, w h o read on the note that 1 had a wart. W i t h o u t even m a k i n g eye contact, she asked me to drop my trousers. She was sat d o w n . I was stood up. She stared at my bits for a few m o ments and did that thing people with glasses do where they squint and then look over the top of the glasses, as if she was studying a piece of art. "I'm having problems locating it", she said. "It's here 011 the side of my face."

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The (hiy I had a brain scan " O h . . . okay. Pull y o u r trousers up." She explained that most cases of warts in the S o h o clinic were of a sexual nature. She gave m e some cream to put on it and the wart fell off w i t h i n a week, w h i c h made m e glad that the wart wasn't on m e nob. I suppose I should have queried her asking m e to d r o p m y pants, but I don't like questioning doctors as I don't want to a n n o y t h e m . T h e same goes for builders or p l u m b ers - I don't like to quiz t h e m either, for t w o reasons: (1) cos I don't want t h e m to get annoyed as they'll probably end u p charging me m o r e or do a d u f f j o b on purpose; and (2) cos I can't speak Polish. A n o t h e r reason I get nervous is because I hear t o o m u c h about what can go w r o n g with the body. That's w h y I t h i n k

having

k n o w l e d g e can be a bad t h i n g . It can w o r r v you. A mate's mate told J

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4

m e h o w s o m e o n e he k n e w banged his head in a car crash, survived, had n o loss of memory, but his brain w e n t gay. W h i c h is weird cos I've heard that banging

your

head

makes

you lose calories, and seeing

i

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as most gays I see k n o c k i n g about look like fitness freaks, their gayness might be due to h e a d - b a n g i n g their calories away. Again - just a theory. T h e r e was another story about a w o m a n w h o had "alien hand syndrome". This is when people with epilepsy have the t w o halves of the brain separated to stop seizures happening. T h e w o m a n could still feel things with her hands, but she couldn't control one of t h e m . It ended up doing things of its o w n accord. She was a smoker, but the weird hand wasn't happy with this and used to grab the cigs from her mouth and throw them away before her normal hand could light them. She said it's the most annoying thing that could happen to anyone, but I reckon having a leg that Things the woman with alien-hand syndrome couldn't

Swimming

do...

Boxing

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The (hty I had a brain scan walks w h e r e you don't want to go w o u l d be a lot worse. T h e s e sorts of things are a doctor's dream as it makes a change f r o m looking at boils, coughs a n d warts. I watched o n e of t h e m p r o g r a m m e s where they cover stories about people w h o ' v e got s t u f f s t u c k in their ear or up their nose, and one of the incidents involved a bloke w h o went to the doctor's to report a headache that w o u l d n ' t go away. T h e d o c t o r decided to take an X-ray and found he had eleven nails in his head. T h e d o c t o r took t h e m out and the fella was fine and the headaches went away. Doctors love a challenge like this. T a k i n g them nails o u t w o u l d have been like having .1 g a m e of Kerplunk to that doctor. It's t h e weird stuff that excites doctors. C h i n e s e surgeons

G

Halrdressing

Juggling

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arc the best in the world cos they're always dealing with kids with four legs or t w o heads in C h i n a , but Chinese doctors are rubbish when it comes to getting rid of a rash or a cold. There's a Chinese medicine shop round the corner from where I live and they give you twigs and leaves to eat if you have some eczema or flu. This shows the Chinese are not as u p - t o - d a t e with everyday illnesses, yet they are great when it comes to removing an extra head. As Joe did the final checks on the scanner, he told me h o w he had his eye on a new model o f scanner, the f M R I . T h i s new machine can actually see your thoughts take place and can show you what thoughts go on where in the brain, whereas I was only having an ordinary M R I. I was Tm afraid I can t get rid of the rash on your chin, so ril have to take the head off. \

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The diiy I Inn! a brain scan

glad about this as it would be weird them k n o w i n g what was going on in my head. I had a similar experience when I worked at a recording studio where I made cassettes. A m i n d - r e a d i n g woman had made some audio tapes of her explaining how to mind read. She turned up to collect them with her pet dog and I hadn't finished doing them yet. so she said she would wait. I was about to think how much of a pain in the arse she was for not just popping back in ten minutes when I thought I can't do that, cos she'd k n o w what I was thinking! So I came up with a quick plan I decided to think about dog food and being happy r u n n i n g d o w n a beach after a ball, so that she would think she was picking up thoughts from the m i n d of her pet dog. Stressful day's work, that was. "Is there any danger involved?" I asked Joe. He said no, but then asked me to sign a consent form. Before I k n e w it. I was being slid into the machine like a Sunday j o i n t being popped into an oven. I had a few little panic attacks while 1 was inside. My brain started to think that the fillings in my teeth were getting hot. I don't really like tight spaces or the feeling of being trapped. I can't use sleeping bags cos of the trapped feeling, and this was worse. I tried to relax but the noise from the machine was loud. He'd said earlier that people sometimes nod off inside the

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scanner, but I don't k n o w how. I felt like a sock in a washing machine. I

think

most

brains .ire like

people's

mine,

but

then you get the odd good one that changes the world. You've got people w h o can tell where dinosaurs walked on Earth and what thev had for their last meal 65 million #

years ago. and yet the d o u g h n u t w h o works at the service company in charge of our flat can't tell me whether o u r windows are gonna get cleaned in the next m o n t h . T h e r e are more idiots in the world than bright ones, but it's the odd good one that makes a big difference. 1 still can't explain how gravity works, yet Isaac N e w t o n worked it out years ago. He came up with loads of other intelligent stuff as well, but everyone only remembers the gravity theory he came up with while he was sat under a tree and an apple fell on his head. It's probably well-known cos it's a good anecdote, but fancy sitting under a tree that has apples filling off it. It just goes to show that he was good with maths, but he had no c o m m o n sense. Same goes for Archimedes. He came up with loads of theories but is mainly k n o w n

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Tilt day I had a brain scan for r u n n i n g d o w n the street naked shouting " E u r e k a ! " after h a v i n g a good idea in the bath. I think it's harder to c o m e u p with ideas and solutions now. If these people were a r o u n d today, they'd struggle. N e w t o n wouldn't be allowed to sit under an apple tree cos there'd probably be a " k e e p off the grass" sign, or apple trees would have fences r o u n d t h e m t o stop people nicking the apples. Archimedes w o u l d n ' t have a bath, d u e to water shortage, and would be advised t o have a shower cos it's better for the e n v i r o n m e n t . And as for r u n n i n g d o w n the street naked, he'd b e banged up. T h i n g s have c h a n g e d . Fourteen minutes later the scan was over. J o e came in and pulled me out of the m a c h i n e and removed the cage f r o m around my head. I felt like a magician's assistant w h o ' d been cut in half and then put back together again. H e told m e it would take .1 few hours to get the scans developed, so I used this time to talk to H u g o about the brain. I don't r e m e m b e r e v e r y t h i n g he said, apart f r o m how the brain of the elephant is the largest 111 size a m o n g the land m a m m a l s (elephants always look sad, which proves my point about h o w intelligence and laughter don't like each other) and that telling lies is a complicated t h i n g for the brain to do. I'm not very good at lying. T h e first lie that I r e m e m b e r telling was to m e m a m w h e n she found an apple in the fruit

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bowl that had been bitten and [nit back. I said the cat did it. Another was when I bought some knock-off Adidas trainers from a mate at school for £ 1 0 . " W h y are they so cheap?" me m a m asked. "Is it cos they're stolen?" " N o . They're cheap cos the lad's dad owns the c o m pany", I lied. I thought it was quite a good one. " W h a t ' s his n a m e ? " "Simon Adidas", I said. Like I say, I'm not that good at lies. To lie well, you have to have a really good brain and memory. JK R o w l i n g must be a right good liar to write all those Harry Potter bocks about a m a d e - u p wizard and keep them believable. T h e problem with that is, she's so good at lying I wouldn't trust her as far as 1 could throw her. H u g o brought up the images of my brain on his c o m puter. It was weird to see it. It was like seeing someone you've spoken to a lot on the phone but never met face to face. I k n e w what it thought about stuff, but I'd never seen it. I thought it was quite a g o o d - l o o k i n g brain, but maybe I thought this cos it belongs to me. It's like when people have a babv scan and the owners think it's beautiful, when to other people it just looks like a frog. H u g o told me it's important to keep the brain healthy by

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I In day I had a brain scan

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keeping it active and eating well.

4,

O m e g a - 3 fats are g o o d

for t h e brain", he said. W h e n I got h o m e I looked on-line to see which foods contain this stuff. I found its in walnuts. My brain doesn't like walnuts.

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the man who reads nothing but newspapers." Thomas Je fferson

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W h a t can I learn from the news?

O N E W S IS G O O D N E W S " is the saying, but when does that ever happen? You can't get away from news these days. It's on the internet, the TV, radio, magazines, sent to your mobile phone, and then there's the free newspapers. Everybody is sat around reading so m u c h news that I don't k n o w how any n e w news is happening. H o w much of it do I need to k n o w about? I can't keep up with it, and even if I could, by the time I've read or watched it all, the chances are the news I've read is out of date, so I have to watch, read or listen to more. Are there important things to learn from news, or could I do without most of it?

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What can I learn from the news? I decided tor this chapter that I w o u l d keep a diary o f news that grabbed m y brain's attention in one week. Monday

Chinese man gets recognized as shortest adult in the world. 1 lis name is Pingping. I've seen the story in a few different newspapers. Some say he's 2 foot 4. some say 2 foot 6. T h e picture in the newspaper has h i m wearing a suit that's been specially m a d e for h i m , but the b o w tie lie's wearing is of normal size. It makes him look daft. 1 don't k n o w w h vj he couldn't just go for a casual look for the Guinness Hook of Records photo. His p h o t o will be next to o n e of the man with the longest ear-hair and the bloke with the longest toenails, so I don't k n o w why he's bothered getting so dressed up. I told S u z a n n e this news and she said. " W h a t are you telling me about that for?" and "It isn't news, it's not useful. you can't d o a n y t h i n g with that information". I also read that there's a new record for the tallest horse. It's called Noddy, i* (t

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and hasn't stopped g r o w i n g yet. I didn't

tell Suzanne the news about the horse as I didn't think she'd be interested. Listened to the radio and heard in the headlines that bored gays arc i m p r o v i n g lr.aths. I didn't understand this

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news. It wasn't until they reported the story in full that I f o u n d I'd misheard it. It was " b o a r d g a m e s " that help improve maths. T h i s is a n o t h e r problem with news. S o m e times the story isn't told clearly e n o u g h . M o r e bad w a r news in the Middle East. I don't k n o w h o w they can keep this anger up. It's g o n e on for so long I've forgot h o w it all started in the first place. T h e same happened w h e n I watched Lord of the Rings. Called me dad to see if he had any news for me. " N o t h i n g " , he said. " Y o u r m a m has been out and b o u g h t a n e w toilet-brush holder, but the brush doesn't fit so she's just using it to put flowers in instead." T h e y waste n o t h i n g , m e m a m and dad. Tuesday W o k e up to the news that people w e r e happier in the 1960s than they are now. T h i s isn't news, it's obvious, it's probably cos they were y o u n g e r back then. It's "Talk Like a Pirate D a y " today. I've never heard of it before but apparently it takes place every year. People are asked to dress up like pirates and talk like t h e m . T h e y didn't have t i m e to go into the reasons b e h i n d it, but the man on the radio said it makes people in the streets smile. O n e fella had really got into it by h i r i n g a parrot to have on his shoul-

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der. T h e report didn't say why pirates used to have parrots. Most pirates had one eye, one leg and a hook for a hand. I don't k n o w why people feared them. If they were around today they'd be registered disabled and w o u l d be entitled to so many benefits they wouldn't have to mess about looking for treasure chests. It I onlyj had one eve, there is no wayJ I J would risk losing the other by having a parrot with a sharp beak on me shoulder. I learnt n o t h i n g from this report. Bought newspaper from my local shop. N o one in there was dressed or talking like a pirate. T h e news can make things seem bigger than they are, sometimes. T h e r e is talk of environment-friendly funerals. T h e paper said, " E m b a l m i n g fluid is made with formaldehyde, which is a carcinogen. Coffins are made from formaldehyde-glued chipboard covered in a thin veneer. Coffin handles are usually made of plastic. These substances pollute d u r i n g manufacture and after burial. O t h e r expensive coffins are manufactured using exotic and endangered species of w o o d " . Surveys show that more and more people are requesting greener funerals in their wills. I say you're never greener than when you're dead - you're not using up any electric, gas or water, plus you do go green. My dad said he doesn't want me wasting money 011 a decent funeral for him. He said I can stick him in a bin bag for all he cares.

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I must admit, t h o u g h , it does a n n o y me h o w they always b u r y people in nice quiet areas. I live on a really noisy road and have problems sleeping cos of the racket, and yet the dead get a lovely peaceful park. W h y ? T h e y could be buried under a m o t o r w a y for all it matters. Motorways are always being d u g up for roadworks so w h y not shove a few bodies in. Two birds one stone. More death news. A w o m a n from Peru declared clinically dead w o k e up as her family prepared to put her body into a coffin. Her n a m e is Felicita Guizabalo Viera. She suffered f r o m cancer and was declared dead by a doctor, but as her family prepared to hold her wake, she opened her eyes. This probably happens a lot due to them being b u r ied in quiet places. Like I said, bury them near motorways and traffic noise will definitely w a k e them up if they're not dead. Wednesday

Didn't see any newspapers today as it never stopped raining, so I didn't w a n t to go out for one. Had some news e-mailed to me f r o m a mate. It was about how scientists may have found a cure for baldness. It /

doesn't bother m e being bald. I'd have the cure if Suzanne wanted me to have hair again, cos I feel like I've conned

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What can I learn from the lie

her as I had hair when she met me. Mind von, her arse is J

now bigger than when I met her. so I suppose we've both been done. Another fish has been found with t w o heads. T h e report s.iul we shouldn't get worried just cos .1 few fish have been found with more than one head. T h e way they reported it made it seem like a major problem. I'm not that worried. It will make them easier to catch cos there's more chance of one of the heads going for the bait. It docs make it difficult tor them people whose j o b it is to do a fish census, though. Makes the head count trickv. 4

Thursday Me 111.1111 called and asked if I was still collecting news. I said yes. She then told me about a bloke w h o put his whole life's savings into .1 safety deposit box. W h e n he went back to collect it, it was all gone. Turns out there was some kind of termite in the deposit boxes that loves eating money. I asked it the termite was %till sat in the box all fat from the money it had eaten, but she didn't know. I tried to find out more 011 the internet but ended up reading about slugs. I found out that they are hermaphroditic, which means they are both sexes and can have it away with themselves. I heard ages ago that slugs are causing a major problem with the

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W h a t I've learnt Freud said the sexual self is the essential self — w h o you are w h e n you're h a v i n g it o f f is w h o you are at y o u r core. So if d u r i n g sex you say things like " B e a d i r t y boy for uncle daddy", it means you are essentially a pervert. If you say stuff like "Are you c o m f y dear? W o u l d you like another pillow?" you are a softie, and if you say stuff like " W h e n the anus dilates and the clitoris is stimulated you can achieve longer, m o r e i n tense orgasms", you are a sex b o f f i n . M y advice is keep m u m . As in quiet, n o t in an O e d i p a l way. Russell

Brand

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postal service. They've been getting into postboxes as they enjoy eating the glue off the back of stamps, so people have been receiving post and getting charged for postage due to the letters having no stamps on them. Maybe this is why slugs move so slowly and take so long to get anywhere — it's cos they eat glue, so probably sweat glue and get stuck to pavement. T h e harder they try and move, the more glue sweat they produce, and the more stuck they become. Friday Just cos the weather is warm today, more experts are on the TV talking about global w a r m i n g again. I couldn't hear the lull story due to noise from roadworks outside. They are resurfacing the road for about the third time this year. I think this is why the world feels hotter. It's nowt to do with global warming, its just cos the roads and pavements have had layer upon layer upon layer of tarmac on them, so much that we have been lifted closer to the Sun. We are being warned of another postal strike. I don't know what all the fuss is about. It doesn't bother me as I never get anything nice in the post anyway, it's only ever bills for this and bills for that. They can strike for as long as they want as far as I'm concerned. N o post, no bills. 1 think this is worse news for slugs than it is for me (see Thursday).

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Tower of London

Y H I S T O R Y E X A M at school was full of questions based on the T u d o r times. T h e good t h i n g with this was, I could guess at the answers as everyone back in Tudor times seemed to be called either Edward, Henry or Charles if they were fellas, or C a t h e r i n e and Anne if they were w o m e n . By using my gut-feeling method, I got a ( i C S E grade E. This was my best and only exam result, which

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proves my gut is brainier than my brain. O n my trip to the Tower of London, I paid my / / 1 7 entry fee ro then find that the guessing game I did d u r i n g my history exam would have to continue here today, due to the fact that I couldn't rent an audio guide. You had to hand in some form of ID to get the audio guide, to prevent you

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arc? If we'd had days and weeks and hours and minutes in place earlier, maybe the fella w h o made the wheel would have completed it even quicker, as his mate would have been saying, "Will you hurry up with that wheel, you've been messing about with it for weeks!" But then again, it could have gone the other way - once time had been invented he might have given up and said, "I'm wasting me time 'ere ... think I'll have a go at fire". I watched a programme about the Piraha tribe of the Amazon and how they don't have anvj system for time. It J /

said they don't bother k n o w i n g about colours either, as it isn't important to them. Also they c o m m u n i c a t e using nothing but whistles. T h e w i n d o w cleaner on our estate was like that. Apparently it came about after working on his o w n for years and not having to talk. T h e story goes that he fell off his ladder, broke his front teeth and couldn't whistle any more, so he didn't enjoy the j o b as much and quit cleaning windows. I couldn't understand the problem cos birds don't have teeth but can whistle. Apart from the h u m m i n g bird. I don't know why the w i n d o w cleaner didn't try humming. T h e other interesting thing about the Amazon tribe was that when it came to numbers, they only counted to three as they didn't need any more than that in their lives. I'm /

/

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got bored of looking at the jewels as there was just too m u c h of the stuff, and this made me realize why Henry VIII w e n t out with A n n e Boleyn. She m i g h t have been ugly, but she would've got more use out of all these diamond rings than any other w o m a n , due to her extra finger. 1 went and bought a d r i n k , some shortbread and a banana for m y lunch, and ate it while watching the ravens that they have k n o c k i n g about the place. This is when I got told off by a beefeater for giving o n e of the ravens a chunk of m y banana. T h e saying "You are what you eat" is perfect for beefeaters as their name comes f r o m many years ago w h e n they were paid in beef to guard the Tower. By the size of the fella w h o told me off, it looked like this was still the case. "It's the j o b of the raven master to feed the ravens", he said. I t h i n k the reason he was annoyed was cos I gave the banana to the ravens instead of h i m . He's probably sick of beef and w o u l d love a bit of banana. There's an old r u m o u r that if the ravens left the tower, the entire kingdom would fall. There's .1 lot of superstition when it comes to birds. Me m a m told me if you see three swans flying, it means there's g o i n g to be a disaster; if a r o b in flies into your house, it means someone you k n o w will be dying soon: if you see an owl in daylight you'll receive bad news before the end of the day; if you see a bird die in

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mid-flight, this also brings you bad luck; and yet if one of em shits on you, then people say it's good luck. T h e beefeater told some younger tourists that some of the ravens in the Tower had been taught to speak and one could bark like a dog. I don't know why we teach birds to speak, there's enough people chatting without them j o i n ing in. Bird sounds used to be a relaxing t h i n g to hear, but those relaxing bird sounds are disappearing. There is a bird called a lyrebird that imitates the sounds around it. T h e y can now make the sound of hammering, car alarms and chainsaws cutting d o w n trees. I think we might have a lyrebird living on o u r roof cos I'm always being woken up by the sound of noisy builders h a m m e r i n g and cutting wood but I'm not seeing any work being done.

'Youthink we'vegot a raw deal? I'vea mate who'sa Tire-eater.'

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After Pd had m e d r i n k I left the Tower and went h o m e and t h o u g h t about what it is that makes people so interested in history. W h y are people m o r e interested in the past than they are in the present? M a y b e it's cos e v e r y t h i n g is a bit b o r i n g now. I can't i m a g i n e in the year 4 0 0 0 that anyone will be talking about a n y t h i n g that's gone on in my lifetime. I think historians will just keep g o i n g over old g r o u n d about the big bang, Stonehenge, H e n r y VIII and the Great Fire of London. W h e n s o m e o n e says the year 1066 to you, the Battle of Hastings comes to m i n d straightaway, yet if s o m e o n e says I9H0 all I t h i n k of is the R u b i k ' s C u b e and Garfield the cat. I am really interested in the past, but so m u c h lias happened that I feel like I'll never be able to catch up with it all. It's the same reason I've never watched the Sopranos - by the t i m e s o m e o n e told me h o w good it was, it was on series 4 so I couldn't be bothered. Don't get m e w r o n g , n o w is a better t i m e to live in terms of wealth and health, but it's just not as interesting to read about or talk about as years gone by. Evidence ot this is Samuel Pepys's diary. I le lived in a g o o d t i m e to write a diary cos there was always s o m e t h i n g quite big going on, like the Fire ot London or the plague. I've taken a few notes from Sam's diary and taken the same days f r o m the diary I kept, tt) give you an example of what I mean.

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Tower of Londo

S a m u e l ' s D i a r y : 7th J u n e 1665 This day, I see two or three houses marked with a red cross upon the doors, and "Lord Have Mercy Upon Us" writ there - which was a sad sight to me, being the first of that kind ... that I ever saw. It put me into an ill conception of myself and my smell, so that I was forced to buy some rolltobacco to smell and chew, which took away the apprehension. M y D i a r y : 7th J u n e 2006 Woke up to news on the radio that a Russian spaceman w h o enjoys playing golf has been given the go-ahead to whack a golf ball into space. T h e ball will go around the world four times before falling to Earth. Hope none of the other spacemen are tenpin bowling fans. Had chicken wings for tea from Nando's takeaway. A copper was in front of me in the queue. He was using his police radio to take orders from his workmates back at the station. It seems like no one is taking their jobs seriously these days. Police using the emergency radio to order food and spacemen hitting golf balls. What's goin' on? S a m u e l ' s D i a r y : 2 2 n d A u g u s t 1665 I went on a walk to Greenwich, on my way seeing a coffin

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with a dead body in it, dead of plague. It lay in an open yard ... It was carried there last night, and the parish has not told anvbodv to b u r y it. This disease makes us more cruel to one /

*

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another than we are to dogs. My Diary: 22nd A u g u s t 2006 There has been a nude run going on in the Netherlands. T h e radio did some c o m m e n t a r y from it. It sounded like there were hundreds of spectators clapping, then I thought it may have just been the noise of the men's bollocks slapping their legs. I wouldn't be happy doing that. I definitely wouldn't want to win the race cos then I'd probably have a picture of me in the paper c o m i n g over the finishing line. Hardly something you'd want to show people, is it. Dropped toaster today. Instead of letting it hit the floor I stuck by foot out and it landed on my little toe. T h e nail has gone all blue and looks like it could fall off. I don't think we need nails on our toes anymore. Since the invention ot j shoes they don't have any purpose. T h e y are more trouble than theyy are w o r t h . S a m u e l ' s D i a r y : 2 n d S e p t e m b e r 1666 Some of our maids sitting up late last night to get things ready against our feast today. Jane called up about three in

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Tower of London

the morning, to tell us of a great fire they saw in the City. So I rose, and slipped on my night-gown and went to her window, and thought it to be on the back side of Mark Lane at the farthest; but, being unused to such fires as followed, I thought it tar enough off, and so went to bed again, and to sleep ... By and by Jane comes and tells me that she hears that above 300 houses have been burned d o w n tonight by the fire we saw, and that it is now b u r n i n g d o w n all Fish Street, by London Bridge. So I made myself ready presently, and walked to the Tower; and there got up upon one of the high places ... and there I did see the houses at the end ot the bridge all on fire, and an infinite great fire 011 this and the other side ... of the bridge ... So down |1 w e n t | , with my heart full of trouble, to the Lieutenant of the Tower, w h o tells me that it began this m o r n i n g in the K i n g s bakers house in Pudding Lane, and that it hath burned St. M a g n u s s Church and most part of Fish Street already. So I rode down to the waterside ... and there saw a lamentable tire ... Everybody endeavouring to remove their goods, and Hinging into the river or bringing them into lighters that lay off; poor people staying in their houses as long as till the very fire touched them, and then r u n n i n g into boats, or clambering from one pair of stairs by the waterside to another. And among other things, the poor pi-

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geons, I perceive, were loth to leave their houses, but hovered about the w i n d o w s and balconies, till they some of them b u r n e d their wings and fell d o w n . My D i a r y : 2nd S e p t e m b e r 2006 Midsoiner Murders was on the telly this a f t e r n o o n so 1 let Suzanne watch it cos she isn't too well at the m o m e n t . 1 sat by the w i n d o w and watched the world go by. T h e C h i n e s e family across the road were cleaning their w i n d o w s . T h e y are m i n g i n g . (That isn't the n a m e of the C h i n e s e family " m i n g i n g " is a n o r t h e r n w o r d that doesn't get used d o w n south. It means filthy.) It's o n l y a small flat but about five people live in it, plus they've recently b o u g h t one of t h e m small C h i h u a h u a dogs. I t h i n k they look ridiculous. It it wasn't for h u m a n s taking care of t h e m , I'm sure C h i h u a huas would be extinct by now. M e mam's mate had one, and she was sat eating a pasty on a wall in C o r n w a l l with the C h i h u a h u a in her lap w h e n a seagull came d o w n and grabbed her C h i h u a h u a and carried it out to sea. She never saw it again. It wouldn't have happened if she'd had a B o r der collie.

Maybe in years to c o m e people will learn just as m u c h f r o m my diary as we've learnt f r o m Samuel's, as age tends to

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Tower of London

make things more interesting doesn't it. Leave something lying about for five minutes and you'll always get a j o b s worth w h o says, "It's a mess get it cleared up it's dangerous. S o m e o n e could trip on that!" But if it's left, after a while it becomes history. 1 wouldn't be surprised if this was the case with Stonehenge. I bet people w h o lived around Stonehenge when the stones where first put there hated them and complained about the structure that was about to be built - so much so that building work was stopped and the stones were left as they were on the last day of work, just lying all over the place. People are always asking w h o built Stonehenge, but let's face it: it's such a bad job, if it was my building company that had knocked them up I think I'd also keep my mouth shut. But now, cos they've been around for so long, we leave them alone. I think they're still worried about someone tripping on them, though, as they've put a

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barrier around them. Druids are the only ones w h o get to go over the rope barrier as they use the stone circle as a kind of church. 1 like the druids. I'm forever being asked to give money t o our local church for the upkeep of the roof, but I've never been approached by a druid for money to get them a roof and yet Stonehenge could really do with one. But like I say, it's the fact it's been around for so long that makes us think we may as well keep it. This happened with a road in Manchester on the M a n c u n i a n Way (A57). There's a sliproad that just ends in midair cos they found it would have sent traffic to the w r o n g place, so they've just left it and put some cones up. In millions of years time, new liteforms will be baffled by this road and will probably end up t h i n k i n g it was a runway for cars that could Hy. I also think it's harder to get something in the history books these days, because there's now been so much history that there will always be s o m e t h i n g a bit more impressive that occurred on the same date in the past. An example of history getting in the way is people whose birthday is on December 25th. T h e y never seem happy about it. There's no point trying to do s o m e t h i n g special on your birthday if you were born on December 25th as it will always be better k n o w n for the birth of baby Jesus. Another example is the way me mam and dad's birthday is on the same day.

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T h e y are never happy that I get them one card between them both. There's n o w so much history that people cram it in wherever they can to help us r e m e m b e r it: blue plaques on buildings to let us k n o w w h o lived there; roads named after people from the past; statues and memorials. O n l y the other day I noticed the picture of an old w o m a n on the five p o u n d note. She's called Elizabeth Fry. She helped found the Association for the Improvement of the Female Prisoners in Newgate. I'd never heard of her before. People love the idea of getting in the history books, and this is why the Guinness Booh of Records gets madder every year. T h e book of records was set up by a fella called Sir H u g h Beaver, w h o was managing director of the Guinness brewery. He got into an argument with a mate about which was the fastest gamebird in Europe. H e couldn't get an answer off anyone so decided to put together a book that could answer such questions. It was first published in l ( J54. In the space of just over 50 years it's gone from covering the fastest bird in Europe to covering a man w h o can pull a truck with his penis. There's no need for anyone to d o that (not with the A A or R A G membership being so cheap). People do this stuff just so they can be remembered and get their n a m e in the history books, which is now harder than ever.

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Maybe this is why we're trying to find another planet that we can live on. If we move to a new planet, kids in school won't need to be taught about things that happened on Earth as none of it w o u l d be relevant anymore. Maybe the history books would be scrapped and we'd start again, leaving out the kings and queens of yesteryear and starting with today's kings and queens of entertainment. Maybe the fact about O p r a h W i n f r e y and her six toes that I heard from the camp American man at the Tower ot London could make it in. Not so much history, more his toe story.

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