Heading South

HEADING SOUTH …Jase stepped into the changing room and the light from the shower skimmed his handsome, square face. “But it ain’t just about the job. I can’t admit that me getting you here doesn’t have another side to it.” “There is a head scenic painter position open here, isn’t there?” “Oh, yeah, the head job is up for grabs, sure. But that isn’t really the main reason I convinced them to call you.” “It isn’t?” Jase stepped up to within inches of Ed’s face. “Are you going to put your pants on? Or is this how you paint now, in your Calvin Kleins?” “They’re Marks” “In your Marks, then.” Ed could feel Jase’s breath on his mouth. The space was small, dark, and dirty. Jase’s nearness made Ed’s cock twist itself straight as blood rushed into it. He felt it push upward and poke out the top of his underwear as the elastic made one smooth, clean stroke along the underside of the head. Jase looked down. “Looks like someone’s all ready for work.” He placed a hand on Ed’s cheek. “Welcome back.” His hand smelled of the candy-scented soap from the bathroom but the skin was firm and coarse and so very, very warm. Before he realized what he was doing, Ed leaned into it. He didn’t want this, he didn’t want to go back so far into the past. It wasn’t the same anymore. Or was it?…

HEADING SOUTH BY OWEN MARCH

AMBER Q UILL PRESS, LLC http://www.amberquill.com

HEADING SOUTH AN AMBER HEAT BOOK This book is a work of fiction. All names, characters, locations, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination, or have been used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead, locales, or events is entirely coincidental. Amber Quill Press, LLC http://www.amberquill.com http://www.amberheat.com All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be transmitted or reproduced in any form, or by any means, without permission in writing from the publisher, with the exception of brief excerpts used for the purposes of review. Copyright © 2007 by Owen March ISBN 978-1-60272-064-0 Cover Art © 2007 Trace Edward Zaber Layout and Formatting provided by: ElementalAlchemy.com

PUBLISHED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

For LS who made it click— and I bow in ever-grateful acknowledgement to my dear friends at Lamas and Write Advice who never let me get away with anything substandard. Especially KJ.

HEADING SOUTH

HEADING SOUTH Edgar Thorpe put it on. The gruffness. The harder exterior. He was going to work at a theatre, but it was a theatre in a tougher town. One he hadn’t been to in a long time. Both the theatre and the town had left their emotional scars on Ed. He gathered up the big yellow toolbox that was his paint kit, lunch and backpack, and headed down the loading ramp toward the band of union crew standing around outside smoking. Clouds of vapor drifted from his own mouth on the chilly March morning. The men stopped talking as he approached and turned their rustic, unkempt faces in his direction. There was an idealization in the way they looked to him. Big weathered hands, thick sturdy bodies, threadbare 1

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clothes with hoodies or much-loved leather jackets, and those big work boots. What was it about those work boots? He gave them the nod and they returned it. It was like a code of some sort among straight men. The nod made you one of them. None of the faces were familiar. Did anyone know him? Did they know he was gay? He was grateful they didn’t know he was wondering what they all looked like without all that costume on as he stepped through their Marlboro auras and into the loading bay of the hundred-year-old and extensively renovated Fairfax Theatre. The comforting smell of sawdust and musty canvas invited him farther into the workshop. Ed’s heartbeat quickened, not so much because of the job he’d been given, not so much because of the bad way he’d left the place years earlier, but because of Jason Cole. The head carpenter. His first real, tangible love. The place held so many memories for him it was almost impossible for him to put them aside. It’s just a job. You know you can do it. Don’t think about impressing them, don’t think about the opportunity you have here to become the head scenic artist for The South Downs Theatre Company. Just do what you do and let what will happen, happen. Easier to think than do. Ed rounded the corner out of the loading dock and confidently strode into the main shop. It was a huge square room, as tall as it was broad. He placed his things on the mixing table in the paint area and walked into the minuscule changing room to put on his work clothes. Still the same old 2

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carpet remnant lay on the floor. The shower rod was still askew but the curtain had considerably more calcium stuck to it. And, of course, the room’s light was still burnt out. He flicked the other switch on the wall and, as he had regularly done years before, changed by the light of the shower stall. The memories distracted him until he heard the toilet flush next door. He stopped and listened. Water ran in the sink. Paper towels were pulled from the dispenser. The door handle turned and the silhouette of a man stepped into the corridor between the changing room and the shop. It was Jase. Ed could tell by the way he stood, by the broad round shoulders. Jase’s dark shape stepped forward and he spoke a long, drawn out, “Well.” Ed, standing only in socks and underwear, tried not to let his eyes wander over the rugged shadow standing before him. “Well,” was all he could muster. “It’s been a long time,” Jase said with another step forward. “Too long.” He couldn’t see Jase’s eyes, but felt them looking him up and down. “Has it?” “You know it has.” “I do?” “You do.” He laughed and the sound sent tingles of excitement over Ed’s skin. Ed continued to get dressed. “So when did you become head carpenter here?” “Right to business, eh?” Jase laughed lightly again. “You 3

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know exactly when I became head. This business ain’t that big, and you know that, too.” Ed couldn’t deny it. Word got around fast when people moved jobs. “Thanks for calling me in.” “You’re welcome.” Jase stepped into the changing room and the light from the shower skimmed his handsome, square face. “But it ain’t just about the job. I can’t admit that me getting you here doesn’t have another side to it.” “There is a head scenic painter position open here, isn’t there?” “Oh, yeah, the head job is up for grabs, sure. But that isn’t really the main reason I convinced them to call you.” “It isn’t?” Jase stepped up to within inches of Ed’s face. “Are you going to put your pants on? Or is this how you paint now, in your Calvin Kleins?” “They’re Marks” “In your Marks, then.” Ed could feel Jase’s breath on his mouth. The space was small, dark, and dirty. Jase’s nearness made Ed’s cock twist itself straight as blood rushed into it. He felt it push upward and poke out the top of his underwear as the elastic made one smooth, clean stroke along the underside of the head. Jase looked down. “Looks like someone’s all ready for work.” He placed a hand on Ed’s cheek. “Welcome back.” His hand smelled of the candy-scented soap from the bathroom but the skin was firm and coarse and so very, very warm. Before he realized what he was doing, Ed leaned into it. 4

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He didn’t want this, he didn’t want to go back so far into the past. It wasn’t the same anymore. Or was it? He turned away, slipped on his paint pants and tucked his misbehaving cock firmly in place before sitting to lace up his work boots. “You have no idea how hard this is for me,” Ed said. “You have no idea how hard this is for you, too,” said Jase, running a thick hand over the long bulge in his own jeans. “Still a risk taker, eh?” “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” Ed wanted to tear through the denim, set it free, and take all of Jase’s cock into his mouth. He wanted Jase to throw him into the shower stall and kiss him, up, down and sideways before sliding into him, gently, lovingly. “Nothing lost either.” “Just having a bit of fun.” “I call it showing off,” Ed said. Jase had always bragged about how fast he could get rock hard. In the background, the crew came wandering in and Ed was grateful for their intrusion. Jase stepped out of the tiny space, still grinning. “Welcome back.” “Thanks, thanks a lot.” “Any time,” he said and headed out into the shop. It wasn’t long before the “buck banter” started and it was all pussy and tits. Jase knew how to push Ed’s buttons, or maybe stroke his buttons was a better word, and was confident enough in his 5

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sexuality that he could flirt with the other side, play gay for a bit, and just as smoothly step away from it. Ed had enjoyed that until the head scenic, who’d recently abandoned the job, had let it out that Ed had had a huge crush on Jase for years. Those were difficult days years ago. Suffering through show after show, being taunted by Jase in the workshop, liking it and hating it at the same time. When Jase would make passes or playful jabs at his body privately, Ed would welcome it. He could pretend, even for the briefest moment, that they had something real that went beyond the working friendship they maintained. But when Jase would take pokes at Ed in front of the other crew members, it was different, it was ugly. Ed hated that Jase felt that continual need to affirm his sexuality in front of the men. Yet, he forgave him his straightness time and time again. Jase was actually a great guy, kind, giving, he volunteered, worked hard. Everyone loved the man even though he had a vocabulary that could make a sailor blush. It was a strange contradiction. And those brief times when Jase would calm, set aside the adolescence he’d clung to for over twenty years, he’d be delightful, a man of men with a warmth and tenderness that would shock. As Ed stepped back into the shop, the paint phone rang. Ed picked up. “Paint shop.” “Production meeting in ten.” Steven Olsen, production manager. No “hey, long time no see,” or “nice to have you back.” Just information. Business as usual. 6

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“Right, thanks.” Ed hung up the phone and looked around. A lot had changed. There was a sink for one thing. No more crouching to wash up. There was a desk, a phone, proper lighting at the mixing table. Great stuff he had suggested years earlier as assistant head but had been constantly told there wasn’t money for it. He pulled a notebook and pen out from his backpack and headed out the door to the meeting. Stopping in the hall that ran between the shop and the stage, he paused in the silence. Not everything changes. Though there were minute shifts he could spot, the smells, the sounds, the sensory textures were still the same as when he’d left years earlier. They’d told him he’d been replaced. No reason, they just wanted someone else. No thank you, nothing. Just goodbye. And now the person who’d had him ousted had stormed out. He hadn’t heard the story yet, but the theatre was in dire need of a head scenic and for some unknown reason they’d been convinced to call Ed. He’d been thrust into the position he’d waited to step into years earlier. His initial reaction had been to tell them where they could stick their offer, but the honest fantasy was, just about every scenic wants their own theatre, a home. And despite how Ed felt about the place and his past there, he couldn’t deny he wanted to return, to become the new head scenic, to show them what they’d thrown aside before. But he didn’t want them to know that. He didn’t want anyone to know it. The huge, heavy, soundproof door to the stage slid open. It 7

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took several big men to move it and he could hear them groaning and grunting as they pulled. Jase stepped through into the hall, no doubt on his way to the same production meeting. Ed walked ahead, up through the labyrinth of stairways and hallways toward the offices. Jase was close behind. Halfway up the second stair, Ed felt two big hands cup his ass. He stopped and looked down into Jase’s devilish face. “Don’t.” “What’s the matter?” “No, really. Don’t.” “It never used to bother you before?” “We’re not in ‘before’ any longer. In case you hadn’t noticed.” “You’re always so poetic.” “You’re always such a shit.” “But that’s what you love about me, isn’t it?” “That was a long time ago, Jase. I’m not there anymore.” “What are you saying, Ed?” Jase tried visibly to force the smile from his face. “Don’t you love me any more? Please tell me it ain’t so?” Ed stepped down to be even with Jase. “What makes you think I was ever in love with you? Because you’re just so irresistible? Or are you going on what someone told you I said?” Jase stood there looking Ed in the face. “Well?” Ed asked. “I’m here to do a job.” “Hope you brought your kneepads then.” 8

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“Well of course I brought my…” Jase’s eyebrows raised and he chuckled. Ed moaned and rolled his eyes. “Oh, for crying out loud. You just never let up with that shit do you? I’m sure you could find a way to make ‘dinner plate’ dirty.” “Hey, when you’ve got it, you’ve got it.” Some young woman Ed didn’t know walked down the stairs between them. No words, just a tense smile. “No hello, beautiful?” Jase hollered behind her. She turned with a perfect grin. “Hello, beautiful,” then continued on her way. Jase laughed that great barking laugh of his and Ed’s nipples tightened at the sound of it. “Got a chill?” Jase asked. “Okay, there’s just no dealing with you.” “Come on,” he said, drawing out the “on” in that “be a sport” kind of way. Ed looked him in the eyes. Bright grayish-green eyes. “Look, I don’t know what someone told you, but I am not in love with you,” Ed lied. “I’ve never been in love with you. Besides, you’re straight. What would be the point?” He paused in case Jase wanted to interject with more bullshit, but none came. “I’m not who I was years ago. I know now how all this shit works.” Jase grinned. His usual tight mouth, spreading wide, revealing perfect teeth. The slight grey in his stubble caught the light from the window up the stairs. “I think you are exactly who you were years ago; you’re just letting the bull 9

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out of the pen now.” “I’m just here to do a job. I don’t know why it was so important for you to call me back and I don’t care. I’ll get the work done and I’ll leave. That’s it. I’m not expecting anything more than that.” “Because I just wanted you here.” The admission struck Ed hard and, before he could react, Jase’s hands were on his cheeks. Jase’s face moved in close and then his mouth was hard against Ed’s. With a big smack, Jase pulled away, placed his hands on Ed’s shoulders, and with a hearty slap on the left one said, “Nice to have you back, man. Really nice to have you back.” And off he went up the stairs, three at a time. Ed stood there for a few moments wondering, quite literally, “What the fuck was that?” He had just had the lips of the man he loved pressed firmly against his own and he had been too caught off guard to even remember what that moment felt like. Seconds had passed and there was nothing to pull forward, no touch, no taste, nothing. “You coming, Ed?” Jase called from the landing above. “We’re waiting for you.” “Yeah, I’m coming.” Ed answered, adjusting his disappointed cock and walking slowly up the stairs. *

*

*

Alone on the sprawling deck, the set removed a few days earlier, Ed struggled with the plastic sheeting. He hated prepping to paint a backdrop. It was picky, fussy work and if 10

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that first step, the plastic, didn’t look smooth as a skating rink, you could end up with a messy bit of work that people would talk about for years. The house was empty, as was the building, and despite all those disconcerting stories of ghosts he’d heard over the years, he tried to focus on the work at hand. While putting down the last few pieces of tape for security, he heard a door in the house thud. He stopped and shielded his eyes from the house lights with his hand. There wasn’t anyone there. He listened for a minute, shrugged and returned to work. The plastic was perfect as he scanned it for any sign of a bump or crease he’d missed. Once the drop was tacked down and wet, you couldn’t lift a corner to solve a problem. That was it. You dealt with it in place as best you could. Something shifted in the fly gallery above him. He looked up, again shielding his eyes from the work lights. Adequate enough to blind, but not nearly adequate enough to paint by. “Hello?” His voice sounded flat and close in the vast empty space. Nothing but row after row of empty seats watching him work. “Hello,” came Jase’s voice. “Jesus!” Ed jumped, his heart in his throat. “You scared the shit out of me.” “Everyone can do with a little less shit.” “What are you doing here?” Ed didn’t want to sound too pleased by Jase’s appearance. He’d spent the better part of two days avoiding him. “Just came by to see if I could help.” Jase walked out from 11

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between the long black curtain legs with a couple beers. “Want one?” “No, thanks, I’m doing fine,” Ed said as he gathered up the tools he needed to draw the size of the drop on the plastic before tacking the canvas down for painting. “You could find that damn paint trolley for me. That thing still goes missing.” “I didn’t just fall off the cabbage truck yesterday. I know there wasn’t anyone available to help you. So I just thought I’d come keep you company just in case. And I don’t have a clue where the trolley is. Harold must have hidden it.” There was that sweetness. That considerate side that was so easy to love. “Well, thanks, I guess. And don’t give me any of that Harold the ghost shit. Just get me the trolley when you can.” “Someone’s a bit cranky.” “I’m sorry, Jase, It’s hard for me not to be a little prickly around here. You have to admit I wasn’t treated very well.” “You were while you worked here.” “I know, I don’t argue that. I just can’t help feeling that I was owed better treatment in the end. That’s all.” “Yeah, I know. It’s a shitty business sometimes.” “That it is.” Ed squared his lines on the plastic and drew them in with marker. “So what happened here anyway? How come Cleo left? I thought she’d be here forever.” “Well…” Jase chugged one beer, then took the other and slowly followed Ed as he drew in the lines for the drop. “I think she just got tired of it all.” “I would never have seen that coming.” 12

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“People change. What they want changes. She’s got three kids now and I think she’s just tired.” “Still.” “Still what?” “Still, this place doesn’t take that much effort to run. Didn’t she have an assistant?” “Nope.” “Really?” “They couldn’t find anyone who’d work for her any more. It’s busy out there now. People don’t have to put up with shit to keep working.” “That’s a welcome change.” “So the job is open.” Jase took another swig from his beer and let out a thunderous belch as Ed put the straight edge and marker away. “Nice.” Jase smiled. His eyes sparkled a little. “The job is open.” “I heard you.” “Don’t you want it?” Ed’s thoughts froze as he tore open the box with the canvas in it and unwrapped the heavy wad of cloth. Jase put down his beer and helped drag it to the middle of the floor. “I’m sure you could have it if you wanted it. I’d put in a good word for you.” Ed fought with the unruly canvas and spread it out across the top of the plastic. “Just shut up and pull.” Together they grunted and tugged at the huge sheet of fabric and pulled its edges to the lines Ed had drawn on the 13

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plastic. Jase harped on the subject. “Cleo said she wasn’t coming back.” Ed handed him a staple gun hammer. “You don’t say?” He wanted the headship so bad he hadn’t the words to describe it. And over the past few days, he’d had a few colleagues he highly respected telling him he should take it. Jase took the chrome tool, put down his beer, and flipped the stapler over and over in the air. “She said she’d had enough of the crap.” “What crap? She had the sweetest job of any scenic out there. Fuck, Jase, this is fucking Nirvana to all of us out there. She couldn’t have had it any better.” “Well, apparently she came to think differently.” Jase smiled broadly. “You did it, didn’t you?” Ed loaded his stapler and they both walked to the drop. “You got her to quit.” They both knelt and started to staple the drop to the deck to keep it from shrinking. Jase was still smiling. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” “Yah, okay, whatever. You’re a shit, everyone knows that. So of course you got rid of her. You two have been at odds over the years, but I never thought it would come to that.” They hammered as they talked. “I’m admitting to nothing,” Jase said. “She left because she wanted to leave.” “She left because you wanted her to leave.” 14

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“Guess she just couldn’t take it any more. The short days, weekends off. Makes a job hard.” “Never mind. It’s no secret you get what you want around here. Always have.” “Well, you’re here.” Ed’s stapling paused and he hurriedly started again so as not to give away anything. “I’m here because you’re desperate for someone to do this fucking huge job and your head ran out on you. And you know as well as I do how much I loved working here. This was home to me, that’s why I’m here. Because of South. Not for any other reason. “No?” Jase didn’t even break his stride. Ed pounded the stapler harder. The staples were going in askew and sticking up here and there. He didn’t care. “Funny thing is, I believe you were the reason I was let go in the first place.” That stopped Jase. “Why do you say that?” “Straight guys don’t often get on with fellows who are in love with them.” “You’re in love with me?” “Fuck off. You know what I mean. Cleo told you I had a crush on you and you saw me gone.” “Are you going by what someone told you or by what you know?” Ed could have thrown the stapler at Jase, but he knew the man was right. He couldn’t argue it. With the drop finally tacked in place and ready for priming, they both walked to the table and put their staplers down. 15

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Jase took up his beer again. “No matter what you heard, I wasn’t the reason they let you go. I wanted you here. I know a good thing when I see it and there wasn’t anything I could do to change their minds. So I just kept quiet, kept my nose in my work, and now I’m head carpenter. They didn’t want to call you at first. They know they fucked up big time letting you go. But I convinced them they should try. Because you’re good for this place. South knows it.” Ed crossed his arms and frowned. “What do you mean, ‘South knows it’?” Jase looked out at the house. “South knows.” “What the fuck are you talking about?” “This is gonna sound nuts.” He shook his head. “But ever since you left, Cleo has had a hell of a time here. One accident after another. She was really messing up. And you know what I think? I think South liked you and hated to see you go.” “Not this ghost shit again?” “Yeah, yeah, I know it sounds nuts, but hey, I was paying attention. I saw what was going on and there really wasn’t any rational explanation for it. Truth is, anyone working here for Cleo was eventually scared out of the job. Finally, so was she. It sounds crazy, but I’m willing to accept that.” Ed looked out into the house. “Did you look in through one of the house doors earlier? Before you came on deck?” Jase shook his head no. “You’re lying.” “I’m not! I came in through the loading dock like I always do.” 16

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“You’re a hard man to trust, Jase.” “Heh heh, don’t I know it?” That wonderful grin showed itself again. “So like I said. The job is up for grabs.” Ed stared at the big strong hand wrapped around the beer bottle. “Yeah, well, I can’t think about that right now. I’ve got this huge drop to prime before the night is over.” “Well, I’ll hang around a little while in case you need anything.” “I’m sure I’ll be fine.” Jase shrugged those thick shoulders of his, so nicely wrapped in a T-shirt that was just too-small enough to show him off. “I don’t mind. I’ve got some drawings to work on. I’ll be in the office if you need anything.” With that he left. A loud burp echoed in the hall as the door slowly shut. *

*

*

The drop took a couple hours to prime. It was one of the most tiring jobs a scenic could have. A glance at his watch told him it was two hours into a new day and Ed was beat and looking forward to his bed. If only he didn’t have to drive another forty minutes to get home. He closed up the paint, washed his gigantic broom brush and shut down the little corner of the shop that was the paint department. After changing back into his clean clothes, he remembered Jase had said he would be hanging in the office doing some work. Ed had almost forgotten and would have set the alarm and shut the place down with Jase still there. If he hadn’t left. But he wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye. 17

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As Ed approached the shop office he heard snoring and rolled his eyes. When he entered, he saw six empty bottles of beer on the desk. How long had they been there, he wondered. This was just great. Then he looked at Jase, slouched and asleep in the big old tweedy office chair. His face, usually animated, was still, his breathing was deep and even. His hands, fingers woven, rested on his rising and lowering stomach. If only this was home, Ed thought. If only it was time for him to come to bed. He stared at Jase’s strong-featured face. Ed had never had the opportunity to just stop and stare, to learn his features more intimately. He was a beautiful man. He was easy to love. Easy to crave. And, though only in a professional way, he wanted Ed. He wanted Ed to work beside him. That thought warmed Ed’s heart. He could give over to it completely were he not so painfully in love with that gorgeous creature asleep in the chair. Could he take the job he’d wanted for so long at a place that had treated him so badly and work alongside someone he could never have? He looked down at Jase’s hands and smiled. Inches below, pressed firmly against the pale-blue denim jeans, was a startlingly solid boner. “Even a pig in your sleep, I see. I envy any woman that would get to have that.” He realized just then that he could be just as much of a pig as Jase. Ed laughed at himself, reached out and stroked the back of his index finger over Jase’s unshaven cheek, and silently mouthed the words, “I love you.” Then he gave him a good hard flick on the forehead and Jase snapped awake. 18

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“What the fuck are you doing?” he slurred. “Well, looks to me like someone has had a little too much to drink.” “I’m fine. I’m just tired.” “That’s what they all say.” Ed stepped back and looked him over. “Did I wake you in the middle of a dream?” Jase squinted at the clock. “What are you talking about?” Ed pointed at Jase’s crotch. “Looks like you were having a good time. Sorry I had to interrupt it.” “Very funny. I’ve got to pee,” he said and walked out of the office. Ed took Jase’s car keys and slipped them into his coat pocket. As they pulled out of the parking lot across the street from the theatre, Ed was thankful how willing Jase was to be driven home. “That was easier than I expected.” “Well I’m tired, not drunk. Des stopped by and had a few, they weren’t all mine. And you did offer. I thought maybe I could spend some more time trying to convince you to approach management about the head scenic position.” “I really don’t want to talk about that now. It’s been a long day. I’m tired. I’ve got a long drive ahead of me.” Jase just chuckled. “Well, why don’t you stay at my place tonight? My roommate Wendy is away for a few more weeks, and besides, you’re back to work in like six hours. At least you’d get a little extra sleep.” Ed’s heart skipped a beat. “That’s really nice of you to offer, but I’ll be fine.” 19

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“You’re a strange man, you know?” “Why strange?” “Well, here you are, taking me home, Mr. Generosity, but you don’t want to accept mine.” Ed thought on it. “You’re not worried?” “About what?” “About what people will say?” Jase let out that big laugh again. “Have you ever known me to give a shit what anyone thinks?” “Good point.” “Right, so you’ll stay over then. We’ll get breakfast before we head into work in the morning. I know this great little place.” If only this were a one night stand, Ed thought. “All right, thank you. I really appreciate it.” They soon pulled into the parking lot at Jase’s apartment and, after a brief struggle with keys, they were inside and settling down for the night. Jase brought out a giant comforter with some erratic eighties print on it, and a couple pillows. He lit the fireplace and closed the grate. “Nice,” Ed said. He wished and imagined Jase was setting up for a romantic evening for two. “Well, a lot nicer than electric heat. That’s for sure.” Jase laid the comforter out in front of the fireplace and threw down the pillows. “I’ll go get another couple of blankets.” “I can sleep on the couch.” “I’ve done that a lot. That thing is evil. You’ll be more comfortable on the floor. Believe me.” 20

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Jase’s voice was different. Serious. Tired maybe. But it was different. Ed looked at the set-up by the fire. As he’d lie there waiting for sleep to take hold he would pretend Jase was beside him.” Two more blankets hit the floor. “There we go.” We? Shake off the fantasy. “I’m wide awake now,” Jase said. “Funny, me too.” Ed looked into the fire. “You want a drink or something?” A moment later Jase returned with a bottle of whiskey and two glasses. Ed sipped and Jase drank. Ed put down his glass. He wasn’t much of a drinker and, while the liquor warmed him, he didn’t like the taste of it. “You look like you’re trying to drown something the way you’re going tonight.” “What do you mean?” Jase asked. “Nothing really. I just didn’t know you drank so much.” “I don’t.” “Okay then. I guess it’s just tonight.” “I got a lot to think about these days.” “You want to talk about it?” “Nah.” Ed didn’t know where to go next and watched as Jase stared into the fire with glistening eyes. His finger tapped the rim of the glass. “You don’t want the job then?” “We’re back to that shit again?” Ed ran his fingers over his smooth scalp and rubbed his eyes hard. “I appreciate you wanting me there but I just don’t know what I want right now. 21

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I don’t know. But I do know I don’t want to talk about this. Not right now.” “So what do you want to talk about then?” “Anything else, okay?” “Okay,” Jase said, emptying the glass into his mouth with a smack and setting the booze aside. “Blow-jobs.” Ed’s hands stopped over his face. He could see through his fingers that Jase was looking at him. “What?” “Blow-jobs. I heard gay guys give great blow-jobs.” “What the hell?” Ed started to laugh. “I’m serious.” Jase smiled. “I was told that gay guys give the best blow-jobs because they understand how the plumbing works.” A laugh appeared to build in him as well. “I guess that makes sense.” Ed held his stomach and tried to catch his breath. “Of course it does.” “I can’t say I saw the conversation going in that direction.” “No?” Ed almost had tears in his eyes. “I don’t know if it’s necessarily true though. I’ve had some pretty shitty blowjobs.” “Me, too, man.” Ed sighed. “So, what? Are you looking to find out?” “You bet.” The room went quiet. The hearth crackled and Jase’s gaze didn’t move from his. “You’re not serious.” “I’m not?” “Oh, come on.” Ed couldn’t believe it. Was he being led 22

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on? Why was he suddenly frightened? Should he go? Should he stay? Should he give Jase a blow-job? “I’m serious, man.” Had Jase put this whole thing into place to see if he could get a blow-job from Ed? Surely not. Why would that be so important to him? Ed tried not to start analyzing the situation. Of course he wanted to give Jase head. He’d fantasized about it for years. What was going on? Could he trust this situation? Could he trust Jase? “What’s going on here, Jase? Fess up.” Jase smiled again and looked at the floor. “Well, I’m a bit drunk, and a bit curious at the same time. Always have been I suppose. I just know I can trust you, man. This won’t get out. I know what kind of man you are. I wouldn’t ask just any guy.” “You could head over to Pier Point Park right now and pay some guy to blow you. Hell, he’d likely do it for free.” Don’t say too much. “I suppose I could.” Ed didn’t want to lose the opportunity if it was real. “But then again…” “Are you up for it?” Jase’s face looked sad. “I’m only asking ’cause I trust you.” I’m a sucker in more ways than one. “Um, sure.” “Great,” Jase said, and nodded with a bit of the smile. “So, now what? Should I lay down?” “Um, sure.” Jase stepped over to the makeshift bed on the floor in front of the fireplace and lay down. Ed could see Jase’s erection, as if on command, already presenting itself through the fabric of 23

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his pants. He didn’t seem nervous at all. Maybe this wasn’t his first time with a man. Maybe it was and he had just wanted it for so long that his desire outweighed his fear. “You should take those off.” “How about you take them off?” Ed’s own cock was thickening and lengthening. He felt the ache, the need to let go and just be in the moment with this beautiful man he had adored for so long. But this moment was about Jase’s cock, not his own. He understood what it must have taken Jase to admit this desire to himself, let alone to Ed. Gentleness and understanding was the best approach. He knelt next to Jase, who had placed his hands behind his head and closed his eyes. “Are you ready?” Jase nodded yes and Ed, with a throbbing cock in his own pants, set about releasing Jase’s from his. He ran his nails along the denim over his shaft. Jase groaned softly. When the jeans came aside, Jase’s cock pressed harder against his white briefs. Again, Ed ran his fingernails along the fabric-covered shaft. Jase groaned louder, lifting his hips slightly. Ed took the cue and pulled down the jeans. “All the way off,” Jase said. “Get them out of the way.” His voice was deeper, sexier. As Ed slid off Jase’s jeans, he realized he’d never seen the guy’s legs before. They were just as strong and sturdy as the rest of him. A light dusting of dark blond hair covered them. He could already smell Jase’s scent…meaty, salty, rugged. He grasped Jase’s sock-covered ankles, spread his legs, and crawled forward. 24

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Jase looked up. “This is way too fucking slow, Ed.” “I just didn’t want to do anything wrong.” Jase put his head back down and laced his fingers over his stomach. “Just suck my cock, man. That’s all I’m asking you to do.” “If you’re asking this gay man to suck your cock, you’re taking the deluxe package. It isn’t always about the end. For some of us it’s about how you get there. And if you want to get it right, you’ll shut the fuck up and let me do what you’re trusting me to do.” Jase eyed him and almost looked proud. “You have let the bull out.” Ed stroked Jase’s throbbing dick a few times and made light circles around his balls. When he was ready to know Jase on a level he’d thought he could only dream about, he hooked a finger under the elastic edge of the briefs and pulled them down. Jase’s cock bobbed straight upward and he raised his legs. Ed took the hint and pulled the underwear clear off. He brought his face into the base of Jase’s shaft and nuzzled deeply into it. He licked at the balls and made circles in the dark curly hair with his tongue. He rubbed his stubble in the crook of Jase’s legs and then, with a slow steady movement, slid his tongue up the shaft and around the foreskin at the top. Jase moaned and rubbed his stomach with both hands. “That is so fucking hot.” Ed swirled his tongue into the foreskin and scooped the pre-cum off the head. He licked up and down the shaft and around the base and, after a few minutes of the teasing, took 25

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Jase’s hot, rigid cock into his throat to the base. Jase shivered and placed his hands on Ed’s head. The hands were hot and gentle and they held on while Ed slid quickly up and down the musky cock. He toyed with Jase’s balls and pulled at the skin, twisting and stretching it as he pumped up and down, slowly, then quickly, then letting it pop free so he could slide his lips up and down the sides. Automatically, he reached up and slid his hands under Jase’s shirt. He found the man’s nipples and lightly brushed his fingers over them, pausing every now and then to pinch, just to the edge of distraction. He massaged Jase’s firm flexing chest and found a light nest of hair between the pecs. All the time, Jase cursed and moaned and growled. As Ed’s hands were finding their way over Jase’s tightly muscled stomach, Jase suddenly grabbed him by the wrists and said, “Don’t.” “Sorry, I…” “Come up here.” “What?” Jase slid down toward Ed. “Do it from up here.” “But my crotch will be right in…” “Come on, man, I’m so close, just do it.” Ed changed position. “Okay.” “And take your pants off,” Jase ordered and started pumping his dick as he watched Ed remove his pants. “Come on, man, hurry up.” Ed didn’t know what was going on, but he liked it, and took off his shirt, too. In seconds flat, his knees were at Jase’s 26

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ears and Jase’s cock was thrusting smoothly in and out of Ed’s mouth. When Jase started rubbing Ed’s torso, he kept going. When Jase brushed his stubbled face on Ed’s smooth, muscular thighs, he kept going. But when Jase slipped the leg of Ed’s underwear to the side and took his cock into his mouth, Ed paused. Jase’s hands slid over Ed’s ass and tightened on the back of his legs, and Ed continued until he felt Jase’s hot breath blowing onto his balls and his salty semen hitting his face. He pulled the foreskin back and sucked hard on the head as the final spasms subsided and the eruption ebbed. Ed waited. Jase’s breath slowed and he stroked Ed’s arm once and relaxed. Ed crawled off Jase’s face and looked at him, unsure what to do next. What should he say, if anything? He moved to get up and Jase grabbed his underwear pulling him back down. “You do know the plumbing.” Ed laughed. “Yeah, well, I guess I’ve had some practice.” “Looks like some urban legends are true.” “I wouldn’t call it an urban legend.” Ed stood and looked at the strong body stretched out in front of the fire. Jase’s eyes were closed, he looked content, satisfied. “I’ll go get some towels.” Jase didn’t answer. “Jase?” Ed wiped semen from his face and licked some off his fingers. I’ve got Jase Cole’s semen in my mouth, he thought, and tomorrow this will have never happened. 27

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*

*

*

Jase had been right. The couch was evil and Ed’s back was proving it. The room was surprisingly bright, orderly, and cold. The fire had died in the night and March’s chill had seeped into the room. The covers on the floor in front of the fire were tousled but empty. No handsome Adonis lay sprawling and naked in them. Ed listened. No bathroom noise. No kitchen noise. No noise at all. Just a cat sitting on the television staring at him. “Good morning, Dammit.” The cat’s tail swept from side to side. “Who’s a sweetie?” The little shit hissed and growled as it fled the room. Aptly named, Ed thought, as he felt the tight places on his skin where Jase’s semen had dried. It was true. He’d sucked off the man he had fantasized about for almost ten years. Could anyone lay claim to a statement like that? Now to figure out where that wonderful man had run off to. He looked at the clock and realized the time. He had half an hour to get to work. Good thing he woke when he did. At the shop, the place was abuzz—two extra carpenters, one other guy working under permit with the local, lots of hustle and bustle. But no Jase. Ed changed and went to the shop office where he found Jase huddled over some blueprints. Ed wandered over to the drafting table. “Good morning.” Jase didn’t look up. “Hi.” “How’s it going?” 28

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“It’s not.” “Oh?” “Yeah. The damned designer has made some big additions and I can’t find anyone to work. I’m lucky I’ve got the three losers I’ve got.” “That sucks.” Ed wanted him to make a joke. “Yeah, and there’s a schedule conflict for you now. They’ve booked the space for a rental and you have to be off the deck in three days.” “Three days? Who the fuck do they think I am, Jackson Pollock? This guy has given me three Maxfield Parrish inspired drops to do. I can’t just go out there and dribble some paint and call it finished.” “Can you get one done in that time?” “Maybe the mountain one. It’s the easiest of the three. But that’s really pushing it.” “Well, management has said you can go back in after the weekend.” “Well, isn’t management lucky they don’t have to paint the fucking drop.” Jase hadn’t looked up. “I’m just the messenger.” “I know. Sorry.” Ed wanted to touch him. Stroke his hair, rub his shoulders. Kiss him full on the mouth to find out what he’d missed before in the stairwell. “You okay?” “Yeah, fine. Why?” “I don’t know. I’m just worried you’re a little freaked out. That’s all.” “Why would I be freaked out?” 29

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Ed understood. It never happened. “Well, I guess I’d better get to work,” he said, and left. Jase said nothing. For the next three days, Ed slaved alone over the drop. He’d seen Jase in passing but everyone was busy. This was the theatre’s final show of the season and they always made it a big one. It was always a musical and always lavish. If it was a good seller, they would let it run into the summer. This year it was The Sound of Music. On Thursday night, he had to finish the final touches on the drop so it could be lifted the next morning and stored in preparation for the rental. A violent windstorm raged outside. The building creaked and moaned to an alarming degree. Ed’s balance wavered. He almost fell over. He stopped and stretched, letting out a long low growl as his aching muscles tingled. A squeak sounded from the audience and he turned. No one was in the house. At that time of night, no one should even be in the building. Or is it morning already? His watch was in the shop. Another squeak, house right, the same place he’d heard the door sound earlier in the week. Funny. Perhaps I have an audience. “Good evening ladies and gentlemen,” he quipped as he painted. “Tonight’s performance of The Forlorn Scenic Artist will be exceedingly dull. There’s no need to stay around. If you like, pastry and copious amounts of liquor will be served in the lobby with our apologies.” The seat squeaked again but Ed refused to turn around. 30

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“You know, if you are really a ghost, and you are hanging about watching this boring scene, the least you could do is stop moving in your seat. I don’t mind you staying and keeping me company as long as you don’t scare me half to death.” One tiny creak. “I’ve got a great deal to think about while I’m painting and I can’t think clearly if a ghost is making itself known.” The building moaned. “Okay, time for some radio.” He was trying to work out his situation with Jase and the head scenic position and couldn’t focus. The painting was mechanical. Life was not. Ed pulled up the antenna and tuned in talk radio. He stepped away and it faded out. He stepped toward it and it came in clearly. Toward, away, toward, away. No adjustment of the antenna seemed to help. He turned out to the audience. “Are you doing this?” He put in a CD and hit play. “Pip pip pip pip pip pip pip pip.” He tried another CD. Same problem. “Great. That’s not funny,” he said to the house, leaning out around the proscenium to stress the point. “What’s not funny?” His legs weakened and his vision blurred for a moment. “Holy fuck! Would you not do that?” “I thought you heard me come in.” Jase grinned as if pleased with himself. “I didn’t. Shit, you scared the hell out of me.” Ed shook it off and got back to work. “What are you doing here?” 31

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“That’s a fine hello for me.” “Hi, how are you? What are you doing here?” “Someone’s feeling a little bitchy tonight.” “Pit bull bitchy. I’ve got work to do.” He kept his back to Jase. “What’s wrong? I thought you’d be happy to see me.” Ed looked Jase squarely in the eyes. “I would have been happy to see you Tuesday or any time Wednesday, or today. You’ve kept your back to me all week so far and I’m supposed to fall on my knees the moment you walk onto the deck?” “Well, now that you mention it…” “Oh, fuck off. I’m just not into it tonight,” Ed said, surprised by his own anger and feeling a little ashamed. “Look, I’ve been really busy, we’ve all been busy. And we’re all more than a little tense right now because of how things have gone, so I’m just going to do what I’m here to do and leave. Okay?” Jase walked across the deck toward the stage right wings. “Beautiful drop.” Ed hadn’t expected him to notice. “Thanks. It’s finally finished.” He glanced up and reveled for a moment at the sight of Jase’s nicely packed ass moving away. His pale, worn jeans hugged his thick calves beautifully. He wanted so badly to comment, to be as playful as Jase was with sexuality, to step to the edge. But he didn’t dare. If Jase ever found out how he truly felt about him, it could end any of the good things between them. Suddenly, Jase wouldn’t want to poke and prod him any more. He wouldn’t want to tease and toy. There 32

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would be a discomfort in having any physical closeness with Ed and, while Ed knew he could never truly have Jase on the level he wanted him, having anything was better than nothing. Ed watched as Jase searched for something in the wings. “What are you looking for?” “I left my phone around here somewhere and I can’t find the damned thing.” “Well I haven’t seen it anywhere.” The sound of a seat popping into position sounded from the house. Ed turned and looked out. “What the hell was that?” “What was what?” Jase called from stage left. “I swear I hear shit going on out in the house.” “Harold must be at it again. Old flamer has likely taken a shine to your ass. That’s why he wants you back.” If Harold had any taste, he’d be looking at your ass, Ed thought. “Well I wish he’d stop it. It’s too distracting.” A ring tone sounded and Jase froze in place. “That’s my phone.” “Where did it come from?” “It’s here somewhere. Close.” It kept ringing and the sound seemed to be coming from the big yellow toolbox Ed used as a paint kit. Jase walked toward the sound, lifted the lid on the toolbox, and picked up the phone. “Jase here.” He listened. “Hello?” After a few seconds he pressed a button and looked at Ed. “No one there.” “What was it doing in my kit?” “I don’t know, Ed. What was it doing in your kit?” Jase stood there staring with those intense eyes of his. 33

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“Well, I didn’t put it there.” He walked over to the table and looked in the top tray of the kit as if the answer lay there among his brushes and bits. “Are you sure?” “Well, yeah I’m sure. I haven’t seen you in almost three days, how the hell would I get your phone?” “I don’t know. Maybe some magic fairy thing.” “Yah, that’s it. I’m so good I got my hand in your pocket somehow and lifted your phone so I could hide it in my toolbox.” “Well, I sure didn’t put it in there.” “There is just as much chance of you having put it there as me.” Ed took the brush off the end of the bamboo stick and dropped it into the water with the others. “I’ve got to go clean up. I don’t know how your cell got in my kit and, frankly, I don’t care. I’m tired and I just want to get out of here.” He picked up the bucket and started to leave. Jase followed him. “Why the hell are you so cranky?” Ed didn’t answer. He walked through to the shop and dropped the bucket of brushes into the sink. Jase persisted. “Why the fuck are you so fucking pissed at me?” “I don’t want to talk about it,” Ed said, and returned to the deck with Jase still close behind. “If you can’t figure it out, it’s not worth going there.” Jase stood by as Ed cleaned up the deck and started putting his tools away. “It’s because of Monday night, isn’t it?” “Wow, give the man a bonbon. First guess and he hits it 34

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bang on.” He tossed a handful of things onto the table next to his kit. “You know, I went against my better judgment that night. I knew something was up. I couldn’t really understand why you were being so friendly so soon. It’s not that I ever thought you didn’t like me or anything like that, but I hadn’t seen or heard from you in almost four years. Then I’m back here, you’re here, and despite how much I want to be angry, it feels like I never left.” Jase walked over to him and reached out. Ed stepped away and returned to centre stage to continue cleaning up. “I should never have stayed at your place Monday. And I should never have given you that blow-job. It was a stupid thing for me to do.” He dropped the tape and charcoal case and kicked them along to the table. Jase stood there staring at him. “Why do you say you shouldn’t have done it?” “It was just a bad decision.” “For who? I had a good time.” Ed packed bits and pieces into his toolbox. They wouldn’t fit. He could never get them to fit back properly. “I had a good time, too.” Jase grabbed Ed’s wrist and he stopped wrestling with the toolbox. “I’m no idiot, Ed. There’s only one reason why you would regret doing what you did for me.” He sounded angry. All Ed could do was look into his fierce and fiery eyes. He became very conscious of Jase’s grip on his wrist and wondered if he would ever feel that touch again. What was going to happen? Could Jase see how much he loved him? 35

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Had he really worked it out? “Oh, Jesus, Ed. You are in love with me, aren’t you?” He opened his mouth to speak but couldn’t find anything to say. “Oh, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.” Jase released him and let his hands drop to his side. “What do you want to hear?” Ed asked, trying hard not the shake with fear. “What do you want to say?” Jase stood with his hands on his hips and glared at him. “I…” And the auditorium went dark. “What the hell?” “I don’t know. It’s never happened before.” “Are they on a timer?” “No.” “Then what?” “I don’t know.” Jase’s voice had softened. “I can see some light coming through under the loading door, so the lights are still on in the shop.” Ed stood there in the dark wondering what to do. The stage was completely without light. He could see nothing. Then he felt a hand on his chest and, startled, he backed away from it. Then he felt two hands on his chest. The warmth seeped through his T-shirt. “That’s not funny, Jase.” He searched the darkness for some clue as to what the guy was up to. “I’m not trying to be funny.” Ed placed his hands over top of Jase’s to stop them exploring his chest. “Then what are you trying to do? Is this edge play some kind of game for you?” 36

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“It’s no game. Not anymore.” Jase’s hands slid up Ed’s chest to his shoulders, then glided back down again. He felt fingers take the edge of his shirt and lift. Ed raised his arms and let Jase pull the shirt off his body. The hands found his chest again in the darkness. They were hot and rough against his skin. Jase’s fingers explored the hair on Ed’s chest and his hard nipples. They smoothed over his shoulders and over his thick arms and down to his hands. They left him for a moment and Ed heard fabric moving in the darkness. Then they returned, taking his, and placing them on Jase’s own chest. Ed didn’t resist. “I can’t do this if it isn’t for real, Jase.” “It’s for real,” he whispered. “Why don’t I believe you?” Jase’s hands found Ed’s neck and face. Ed felt him draw near. Their stomachs touched and he could feel Jase’s breath on his face, then his mouth. “Believe me, Ed. Believe me.” And with that, Jase’s mouth, timid, shy, touched Ed’s so lightly, so tenderly that Ed’s cock almost tore through his paint pants. In seconds, they embraced each other and licked at each other’s tongues. Jase’s mouth was hot and soft. Ed licked at the teeth and sucked on the lips. This was his man, if not forever, just for now. Damn the job, damn the regret he would feel afterward. Jase was his for now, in the darkness and in the moment he had dreamed about for nearly a decade. As they kissed and ran their hands over each other’s torsos Ed felt wetness on Jase’s face and tasted the salt with his mouth. 37

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“What’s wrong?” Jase took his head in his hands. “Nothing,” he whispered. “Everything is just right.” Ed heard Jase kicking off his boots and heard the run of the zipper on his pants. Excited by the prospect of pushing his naked body against his friend’s, Ed did the same. They found each other in the darkness again. Jase pushed on Ed’s shoulders, forcing him to the floor. The deck was cool and rough under him. Hands found his hips and stroked up and down his legs, over his stomach and chest. They found his cock and gently explored and stroked it. Ed ached for the feel of Jase’s mouth on his solid cock but wanted it on his mouth even more. He wanted to kiss a lot, to taste him like he’d always wanted to. He took hold of Jase’s wrist and pulled him forward, and before long Jase’s hot naked body lay heavy upon his own. Their stiff dicks pressed next to each other, Jase slowly slid up and down through Ed’s curly pubic hair. Jase groaned as Ed stroked his arms and pulled his face down toward his. He kissed him hard and Jase’s fingers slid smoothly over Ed’s shaved head. And as Jase knelt between Ed’s thighs, nudging them apart, Ed looped his legs around Jase’s waist and held tight. The only sound they made was breathing. With his hips lifted off the ground, Ed could feel the tip of Jase’s cock poking at his anus. It pressed and released, and pressed again. The lights came on and they both froze. Jase looked out into the house, then back toward the lighting control panel. Ed 38

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looked away. Was there someone in the lighting booth playing games? If they were caught, they would most certainly both be fired. Why had he taken such a risk? Why be so foolish for love? Jase looked into his eyes. “Come home with me tonight. My roommate is still away. We’ll have the place to ourselves. It’ll be less risky.” Risky for whom, Ed wondered, as Jase stood. Ed stood as well and they looked at each other for a long moment. “You’re so beautiful, Jase. So fucking beautiful.” Ed stepped up to him, took his cock in his hand and squeezed. It was solid, and twitched at his touch. Jase looked coyly away. “You weren’t so shy in the darkness,” Ed said, stroking his thumb across Jase’s mouth. Jase touched the tip of Ed’s cock with one finger. “I really had no idea you felt that way about me.” “I haven’t admitted to anything yet.” “Yet?” Ed smiled. “Let’s go. Standing here in the middle of the deck naked with you is making me a little nervous. Harold must be having a grand old time out there somewhere.” “Even ghosts have to get their rocks off, I suppose.” They dressed, closed down the shop, and drove to Jase’s place hardly speaking a word to each other. They made love in the shower, their wet, soapy bodies sliding around each other like mercury on glass. Jase explored Ed’s form, touching and tasting another man for what Ed realized must be the very first 39

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time he’d had the opportunity to do so. Afterward, they slipped easily into bed. The sheets were perfect and crisp. Ed ran a lazy hand over Jase’s chest and looked up into his eyes. “Would anyone have thought you knew how to live so well?” “What do you mean?” Jase ran light fingers over Ed’s face and mouth. “Well, your place is just so organized, good linens on the bed. And the bathroom was spotless. I bet your kitchen is the same.” “I don’t use the kitchen.” “You know what I mean.” It’s Wendy. She looks after the place.” Jase pinched Ed’s nipple harder than he liked. “Do you want to talk or fuck?” “You want to fuck?” “Yeah, I want to fuck.” Jase laughed a little. “You ever been fucked?” “What do you think?” “I think you’ve been fucked a lot.” “Yeah?” “Yeah.” Jase started to dry hump Ed’s thigh. “I think you’ve spent some time thinking about me fucking you.” “Oh, you do now?” “Yeah. I do.” Jase took a bottle of lubricant out of the bedside table and squeezed some over his fingers. Soon those fingers were massaging Ed’s asshole. Teasing it, making circles, and gently pressing into it. 40

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Ed lifted his legs to Jase’s shoulders and Jase rubbed his stiff cock in the lube at Ed’s hole. He ached for him to be inside, to complete the fantasy. He heard the plastic rip and the snap of Jase pulling the condom over his cock. Then that tickle again, slow and circular. Then the slight chill of more lube, and the gentle push of Jase’s dick slipping into his ass. The creases in the condom lightly scraping the inside of him, satisfying him. Jase withdrew, added more chilly lube, and slid in again, this time not pulling out completely but pushing back in. “Oh, fuck, you’re tight.” Jase uttered a growl, deep and throaty. “Oh, man, you are so fucking tight.” He grabbed hold of the rails in the headboard and pushed faster. After a few thrusts he would stop and moan and Ed could feel the man’s cock twitching inside him. Then he’d start again and Ed reached up and stroked his chest and arms. “Oh, man,” Jase hollered. “Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. I can’t hold it, I can’t hold it.” He slammed harder and harder and Ed’s ass slapped solidly against Jase’s hips. His body froze, stiffened, and the moaning and grunting stopped. Jase’s dick spasmed and flexed inside Ed. A loud angry growl tore itself from deep inside Jase’s chest and Ed felt goose bumps ripple across his body. Ed grabbed his own cock and started to pump. “Stay inside, just stay inside me.” Jase was still breathing heavily as Ed beat his cock into a rock-solid erection. He squeezed harder and harder as the feeling swelled in him. Jase’s was still hard, and he stroked 41

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and massaged Ed’s legs. Soon, a shudder shook Ed as the orgasm ripped through him, the last few twitches heightened by Jase pulling out and dropping to the bed next to him. There was the snap of the condom being removed and thrown aside, then they both lay silent, breathing heavily. Jase rolled and faced Ed. “That was amazing.” “I’m glad you agree.” “No, I mean that was really fucking amazing. I’ve never felt anything like that before.” “Me, either.” Ed wanted to ask any of the questions that hovered in the air above them. Was Jase gay? Did he have any of the same feelings Ed had for him? Was this just a one-time curiosity satisfier or was it going to go somewhere? Jase swirled his fingers around in the cum on Ed’s chest. He massaged it into Ed’s softening cock and then licked it off his fingers. “I’ve never done anything like that before.” “You seemed to know your way around just fine.” “Yeah, well, I’ve been thinking about it for a long time.” Jase lay back down and switched off the light. “Have you now?” “Thanks, man.” Ed thought he should thank Jase. Where does one go after being given something they’ve wanted for so long? What would happen when the roommate returned and they no longer had a place to go to? Would Jase come to Milton? Would Jase want anything? “Jase?” He sounded sleepy. “Yeah?” 42

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Ed hesitated. He didn’t really know what he wanted to say. “Don’t leave before me in the morning.” “Okay.” He sounded miles away. As Jase drifted into sleep and his breathing settled, Ed kissed him gently on the mouth and looked at him for a few minutes. He stroked his stubbled cheek and pushed his hair out of his eyes. “I’m so afraid of all this,” he whispered. “I love you so much and I’m so afraid.” He lay down, took Jase’s hand in his, and stroked the strong thick fingers in the dimness. “I am, too,” Jase mumbled, half-conscious. “I am too.” *

*

*

Their time together was exhausting. At work, they hardly spoke to each other but stole moments together with a finely tuned coordinated effort. Quick kisses in the changing room. Ass slaps and crotch grabs on the stairs and in the wings. Ed managed to get a crew in and by the end of the following week, the scenery was ready for the rest of the production crew to get on with their work and the gig was at an end. The sex had been amazing. Jase wanted to try everything over and over again. Ed couldn’t help but be aware of the domestic bliss they shared in that time, but also of Jase’s growing melancholy. He understood what Jase was going through. He’d been there himself not so long ago. A very difficult choice was pending in Jase’s life and it seemed he had his hand wrapped firmly around the knob on the inside of the closet door. All he had to do was decide when to turn and 43

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push. At the tail end of Ed’s last day, the shop deserted, the building settled, and the set and drops in place, he sought out Jase in the shop office. He was there, on the phone, seated at the honey-colored oak desk that had once been used in a show. “Yeah, okay,” he said urgently, “yeah, I’ve got to go. Okay, no problem. Yeah, bye. You too, bye.” He hung up the phone and leaned back in the chair. “Everything okay?” “Yeah, why?” “I don’t know, you just seem a little down lately.” Jase shrugged. “Well, it’s been a great couple of weeks, you know?” “Yeah, I know.” Ed didn’t know where to put his hands. “So I’m off to paint at the ballet shop tomorrow.” “Already?” “Yeah. Like you said, there’s a lot of work out there right now. It’s a nice change.” “So…about the job.” “Yeah?” “You going to take it?” Ed hadn’t even thought about it in nearly two weeks. With everything happening so perfectly he’d lost track of the real issue plaguing him. “I’m not sure that’s really up to me. And it is the end of the season.” “There’s the summer program, don’t forget. And we’re taking in builds these days for other theatres.” “Wow, a lot has changed around here.” 44

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“Yeah.” Jase looked distant. “A lot has changed all right.” “Are you sure you’re okay?” Jase got up and walked over to him. “Yeah, I’m okay. I guess I’m just really going to miss you.” “I’ll be back for opening night.” “That’s two weeks away yet.” “I know.” Ed took Jase’s hands in his. “It’ll go by fast. Besides, we don’t have to wait until then to see each other, right?” He leaned in for a kiss. Jase obliged but still with that distance. “Right. I’ll give you a call.” “Make sure. Cause if you don’t I’ll haunt you around this place more than old Harold ever could.” Jase looked him in the eyes and spoke with a sincerity Ed had never heard before. “I really want to thank you, Ed. You’ve opened my eyes to a lot of things.” “Stop right there. You’ve nothing to thank me for. They’re all steps you’ve taken, man. I was just at the right place at the right time. And you don’t have to worry about me saying anything to anyone. This is all in your court. I’m not going to force you into anything you don’t want to do.” “Still…I…” Ed covered his lips with his hand. “Don’t worry about it. Just don’t. I’ll talk to you soon.” And after another, deeper kiss, he walked out of the shop with thoughts looking forward to the next time he’d hear from Jase Cole. They talked every couple of days during the time Ed was painting Swan Lake at the ballet. 45

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By the time opening night for The Sound of Music came at the Fairfax, Ed couldn’t even think of Jase without getting a hard-on. He suited up, and the drive into town seemed to take forever. The excitement at seeing him again was overwhelming. He found himself getting emotional at the thought of touching Jase again, of kissing him. He’d tried to get him out to Milton but time just wasn’t allowing it. At the theatre, the usual crowd of opening-nighters were there. People he liked and people he didn’t. He stood on the stair and scanned the crowd for Jase but couldn’t see him anywhere. There was likely some last minute emergency that needed attending to back stage. Ed settled into a niche near the bar and watched the crowd. People milled about. You could pick out the regulars easily. They were comfortable in the environment. The people who hadn’t been there in a while, or at all, were clearly unsure of themselves. There was a fellow who had likely not worn a suit since his wedding. He kept pulling at the collar of his shirt. An older lady with that strangely flat blonde hair she thinks fools everyone into believing she’s nowhere near seventy, was spending a great deal of time fussing with her coat. A young woman was gushing with her friends over her ring. Recently engaged, no doubt. A crowd of actors, or friends of actors, stood about sucking up all the attention they could get. It was always so fascinating to be out front for a change. So predictable and yet not. Ed, bored with the niche decided to wander more as the crowd thickened. Add more starch, he thought, that makes it thicker. Not a lot of people got formal 46

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for theatre any more. He waved at a few acquaintances. Shook a few hands. Got asked if he was taking the job as head scenic and told those who inquired that he’d already informed management he would. Then he saw Jase standing near a pole. Ed’s heart quickened. It was a wonderful sight, Jase all cleaned up. Jase gave the nod and Ed nodded back with a laugh and wandered over. “Well, I thought I’d never find you,” Ed said, being sure to keep a distance so as not to make Jase uncomfortable. “Good turnout tonight.” “Yeah,” Jase smiled a smile so painfully hot that Ed found his underwear getting a bit tighter. “You’ll be happy to know I talked to management yesterday and told them I’ll take the position. But you probably already know that. Nothing gets by you around this place.” “I didn’t know.” Jase nodded and looked around the crowd. “That’s great news, Ed. It’s going to be great having you around again.” He looked sharply from side to side and stepped closer. “I need to talk to you about something. It’s really important.” The lights flashed twice and the chime started to signal to everyone to take their seats. “Shit,” Jase whispered harshly. That young lady with the gushing friends popped her head around the corner and tapped Jase on the shoulder. “Time to head in, love,” she said with a light British accent. “Hi,” Ed said. Jase stepped to the side and she moved forward. “Hello, I 47

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don’t believe we’ve met.” “I’m Edgar Thorpe.” Jase jumped in. “Ed, this is Wendy, Wendy, Ed.” “Oh, your roomy. Nice to meet you.” They shook hands. She nodded her head to the side. Ed pointed at her hand. “I saw you with your friends earlier. There seemed to be some excitement.” She flashed her hand at me. “Oh, yes, I was showing off my engagement ring. It’s a girl thing.” “I understand,” Ed said, and looked at Jase, wondering how long it would be before she moved out and they could be together again. How long would he have to wait to ask? Would he get him alone at intermission? Would he have to wait until the party afterward? If only I could ask right now. I want to know right now when the next time will be that we can be together, naked, loving. The lights blinked again. Wendy sparkled. “Well we’d better head in. Enjoy the show.” “Enjoy the show,” Ed tossed back, and they all walked into the dark hall that led into the house. The air was dense with anticipation as it always had been for the season-end musical. As Ed descended the steps to his row he noticed the empty seat at the front always reserved for Harold on opening night. Ed slipped in between the seats, careful to not step on any toes as he shuffled along to his place right behind Jase and Wendy. He had a great seat. Smack in 48

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the middle about three quarters of the way back. From there, you could see everything, even the painted deck and the action in the wings remained hidden. Soon the lights dimmed and he looked at the back of Jase’s neck in the row ahead of him. He wanted to put his lips next to Jase’s ear and whisper how much he was looking forward to fucking his brains out again. How much he wanted to suck his dick and lick every inch of his solid physique. He gave his stiffening cock a quick adjustment in the fading light and settled in for a good show. As always, the artistic director, Bas Turnbow, had to make a speech. Everyone clapped as he stepped into the spotlight and made his usual placations to members of the board and last but not least of course, the buying public. And, as the applause faded, he asked if he could share one last bit of information. That tonight was a very special occasion as he announced the engagement of their head carpenter Jase Cole to Wendy Strum, a lovely costume designer from England. To be married later in the summer at the theatre. Ed almost clapped at the news. He looked at the back of Jase’s head. It didn’t move. Wendy leaned over, clutched Jase’s arm and kissed his cheek. Ed felt sick. He was certain his heart had stopped beating. The applause and lights faded and the musical thundered into play. The first act finished and Ed remained in the audience through intermission. Jase and Wendy left and returned. All Ed could do was stare at the back of Jase’s chair. The second act ended and the crowd stood and applauded and Ed sat, staring. How much longer could he suffer the humiliation, he 49

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wondered. It felt to him like everyone around him knew and was laughing at him inside. How fast an exit could he make from the opening night party he had to attend as the new head scenic painter. How long could he watch everyone making a fuss over Jase and Wendy? He felt ill as the house cleared and he made his way across the street to the restaurant where the opening night party was being held. For a little more that half an hour he mingled mindlessly, was greeted by people excited to have him on board, and avoided looking even remotely in Jase’s direction. He soon spotted the opportunity to make his escape and headed downstairs to the bathroom for a quick pee before the long drive home. As he washed his hands, he looked up into the mirror and saw Jase standing in the doorway behind him. He didn’t say anything, just dried his hands and pushed past him to leave. How could I have been so stupid? Isn’t that the question I’m supposed to ask myself? He rushed up the stairs and slipped his coat on as he dodged his way through the crowded restaurant. Outside the icy dry air hit him like a brick in the face. He descended the wooden steps and rushed into the quiet street. A hand seized his arm and spun him around. “I have to talk to you.” Jase was inches from his face. Ed looked at the beautiful mouth he’d once craved. “I don’t want to hear it.” “Why not?” Jase’s grip tightened. “Are you afraid it’s going to make sense? That maybe you have no idea what’s 50

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really going on?” He pulled free of Jase’s grasp. “You asshole! You fucking, cock sucking asshole!” “Well at least you remember me,” Jase joked with a smirk. Ed shot him a look of frustration and turned to walk away. “You really are afraid, aren’t you?” Ed stopped and turned. “You think that’s what I’m feeling right now?” “Let’s not do this in the middle of the street.” “That’s what you actually think? That I am afraid. Let me tell you something, you little shit. I fucking love you. I have fucking loved you from about the first week I ever worked at that shit hole over there. And I gave myself over to it. Oh, I didn’t want to at first. I didn’t trust you at first, but…” He fought back the urge to cry and yelled instead. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to want something for so long? To think of it when it isn’t there in front of you? Then to face it every day it is in front of you knowing it can never be yours? Do you have any fucking idea how hard that is?” “I didn’t know.” “You didn’t know? I ached for you, Jase. I fucking ached for you. Did you not know when I had your cock in my mouth? Or how about when you were fucking me in your own bed and licking my cum off your fingers. Did you not know then? How do you do that with someone and not know how you make them feel?” “Let’s not do this out here, Ed. Come on. Be reasonable.” Ed laughed. “How many bedrooms does your place have, 51

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Jase?” “What?” “How many bedrooms does your apartment have?” “One,” he said suspiciously. “Right. One bedroom. A roommate my ass. I didn’t even think about it until now. One fucking bedroom. Great linens, clean bathroom. And an asshole’s signature on the lease.” “If you love me like you say you do, you’ll listen. You’ll shut up and listen.” “IF I love you? Are you fucking deaf?” “I don’t want this. Not now, not here. I thought you’d be more reasonable but I guess I was wrong.” “Oh. Well, I’m so sorry for you.” Ed noticed the crowd that had formed on the steps of the restaurant, but he couldn’t stop himself. He didn’t care what they heard or what they thought. “I’m so sorry you don’t want to have to deal with juggling the guy you fuck with the woman you want to marry. That’s gotta be rough.” “Don’t” “Don’t what? I so don’t give a rat’s ass right now. You could have told me. You could have stopped it long before now when it would have been easier on both of us.” The tears came. “You had so many chances. But now that it’s out of your control you want that back and you can’t have it. Because you blew it, Jase. You fucking blew it. You don’t play games with people. You just don’t.” “It wasn’t a game, Ed.” Jase stepped toward him. “It really wasn’t. Let’s go somewhere. Let me explain.” 52

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Ed looked at the silent crowd on the steps and felt suddenly that he should run. Wendy pushed her way to the front and stood there staring back at them. Jase saw her and stepped back and that was when Ed understood he’d lost. He would never feel Jase’s skin against his again, or his lips, or hands, nor would he see that beautiful body lying asleep in the bed next to him. “Awww, fuck it,” Ed said, as he turned and walked off into the night. *

*

*

The days at the ballet passed with great difficulty. The story of the street row had arrived at the job site by the end of the next day, and loomed heavily over the remaining time he worked there. Word always traveled fast in theatre. It wasn’t always accurate, but it knew how to move. Three weeks passed with painful effort and finally it was time for him to return to the Fairfax to begin the next project. He’d heard that Jase had recently quit his job as head carpenter without any explanation and Ed figured that if nothing else, it made returning to work there that much easier. On the first day back he walked into the deserted shop with his head held high bracing for plenty of sideways glances and gossipy whispers. To his relief, not many people were around. He set about sorting through the paint and taking inventory. He filled two slop buckets and set them aside for disposal. After cleaning up he noticed the paint trolley missing yet again from its place in the corner by the door to the hall. 53

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Damned crew. I always have to go hunting for that stupid thing. He marched around the shop and it was nowhere to be found. The only other place he could think it might be was out on deck. He may have actually left it there himself. The hallway to the stage was empty. The building actually seemed unnaturally quiet considering a show build was to begin in a few days. Perhaps some planning thing had changed that he didn’t know about. Ed pulled open the heavy stage door and fumbled in the darkness for the work light switch. He found it, flicked it on, and waited for his eyes to adjust to the dimness. After a moment, he started the search. It was nice to be back, he thought, as he hunted for the paint trolley. Despite any of the drama that had surrounded his return, he was happy to be home. It was the place where it had all begun for him. He spotted the trolley, over in the far upstage right corner of the deck, poking out from behind one of the legs. Relieved, he wandered over and grabbed the edge to pull it out. It didn’t move. He pulled harder. Still it resisted. What the hell, he thought, and pushed the curtain out of the way. Jase stepped out into the light. No handsome grin was splashed across his face. There was no sign of his devilish nature at all. He looked cautious, almost afraid. Ed’s pulse quickened. Was this some kind of nightmare? “What the hell are you doing here?” “I came in and saw you at the sink and overheard you talking to yourself about not being able to find this thing,” he said, and gave the trolley a shove out to centre stage. It rolled and clanked to a stop. “I knew it was out here, so I just 54

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waited.” “Should you even be in here?” “Why shouldn’t I be in here?” “You quit, remember?” Jase was just as handsome as ever. Only now he had gotten some sun and his olive skin had darkened beautifully. “Where did you hear that?” “Oh, come on, everyone’s talking about it.” “Ahhh, so you’re going by what someone told you and not what you know.” “Okay, I’m not playing this game.” Ed grabbed the trolley and went to the exit door. It didn’t work. The door wouldn’t budge. “Open the damn door.” “I didn’t do anything to the door.” Jase walked over to him and tried to push it open. He kicked it a few times and it wouldn’t budge. “That’s fucking weird, eh?” “I said I’m not playing any games, Jase.” “I’m not either. Well, except the one that got you here.” Ed shot him a dirty look and went to the stage right exit door, which also didn’t open. Nor did either of the downstage doors. “Okay, now I’m a little scared. What about the ones in the house?” Ed moved toward the steps to descend the stage. Jase walked downstage center and called out to him. “You might want to see this.” Ed tried the first door. Locked. “No, really, Ed, you should come and see this. It’s creepy.” He tried another and another and each one was locked. “What the bloody hell is going on?” he shouted. 55

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“Ed, just shut the fuck up for a minute and come over here.” Reluctantly, Ed walked back up the steps and over to Jase, who showed him what he was talking about. The front row centre seat was down. “Yeah, so?” “Harold.” “Oh, please, don’t give me this Harold shit. You put that seat down. You locked the doors. Remember, fooling people is your thing.” “I think Harold wants us to talk.” Jase looked out into the house. “What do you say, Harold? Do you want Ed and I to have a little chat?” The seat creaked as if someone had just sat in it. Ed’s scrotum tightened and he got a chill up his spine. “Holy shit!” Jase grinned. “Okay then.” “Ask Harold if he knows what kind of dick you were.” Ed moved a little closer to Jase as the lights dimmed, making the space a moody golden color. “Okay, if I find out you have had anything to do with this, I’m gonna lose it on your ass big time.” “I’ve missed that, you know.” Ed rolled his eyes and shook his head. Jase put up his hands in surrender. “Okay, just listen. I haven’t quit my job here as head carpenter. I never intended to.” “Just keep racking up those points, Jase.” “Can you not just shut up and listen?” 56

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Ed felt forced and trapped and a little like a child being told there isn’t any money for toys. He wanted to understand, to listen, but still felt badly. “I’m listening.” “Okay,” Jase sighed. “I just told the right people I had quit. I took some time off to go away and think. So to everyone not involved, it looked like I had quit. And as you know, word gets around.” “So what’s your point.” “My point is, Ed, that I didn’t want you to give up heading South Downs because of me and what happened. There are things you don’t know.” He took a deep breath. “I wanted you to hear that I was gone so you would come back and that maybe I would get this chance to see you. To explain.” “You don’t have a phone?” “Because you would have answered right? And if you would have heard my voice on the other end of the phone you would have listened right?” “Good point.” “Anyway…” He breathed in deeply again. “I’ve called it off with Wendy.” Ed turned and looked Jase directly in the eyes. “You did what?” “I’ve called it off. Not that there was anything real there to begin with.” “Well, how could there be?” “No, what you don’t know, what I couldn’t tell you at the time because no one could know, was that I was going to marry her so she could stay in the country and work. It’s just a 57

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speedier way through immigration.” Ed couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “I’ve seen a movie like this somewhere.” “I know, eh? And if anyone at all knew that was what was going on, it would put the plan at risk. So even our parents didn’t know.” “You’re still a shit.” “I know. I know, Ed. And I’m sorry you had to be so hurt.” Jase stepped closer to him. “I’ve thought about everything you said that night out in the street. And I’m just overwhelmed by it. I’ve never seen such honesty come from someone before.” “Well, you did say I’ve let the bull out.” “True enough.” Jase moved close and took Ed’s hands in his. “I just hope this hasn’t changed how you feel about me.” “I don’t know, Jase.” “You outed me for heaven’s sake. Isn’t that punishment enough?” “Oh, God! That was so wrong. You must have been taking it up the ass for weeks because of that.” “Actually, it hasn’t been so bad. The guys are giving me a hard time but they don’t really seem to care.” “So what now?” Ed didn’t know where Jase wanted to go with all this. It was a lot of effort to expend to just be friends again. “Well, I’m hoping we can pick up where we left off.” “You mean before the opening night party stuff.” “Yeah, well before the opening night party stuff. Take it back a few weeks before that.” 58

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Ed looked down into the front row. “Well, Harold? Are you satisfied that’s the best course of action?” Harold’s seat made no sound and Ed’s lips met Jase’s as they embraced. The lights dimmed. The second act was about to begin.

59

OWEN M ARCH

Owen March lives in Canada and has worked in the entertainment industry for nearly two decades. He can often be found perusing the dusty shelves of used bookstores, peoplewatching lakeside, or bandying about the city streets in search of his next characters.

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