GET GIRLS
Bring beautiful women into
your life
ConTEnTS 02 Index 03 Message from The Authors 04 The Authors 05 Question 1: Where are all the women? 07 Question 2: How can I make first dates go great? 10 Question 3: What should I say when I approach a woman? 12 Question 4: Do nice guys finish last? 14 Question 5: How do I get back in the game? 15 Question 6: How important are looks to attracting women? 16 Question 7: How do I turn a friend into a girlfriend? 18 Question 8: How can I get over my fear of rejection? 19 Question 9: What’s the best way to go for the kiss? 21 Question 10: What’s the one thing I should do to get better with women right now? 23 Who We Are
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message from the authors Thank you for choosing to read our first book Get Girls: Bring Beautiful Women Into Your Life. At the LSA we offer a free feature called Ask an Expert: guys can e-mail us with any questions they have about attraction, relationships and dating and we reply to them personally. We get
hundreds of these questions every month and have noticed that, despite the details being different
each time, most men’s concerns fall into a dozen or so broad categories. So we have taken the ten most commonly-asked questions and come up with our top tips for each.
We’ll both give you our take on each question. We have different skill sets and experiences, so inevitably some of our advice will differ, but everything you read has been tried and tested to give our clients fantastic results.
A cover-to-cover read will give you loads of great ideas. Or just dip into the questions that resonate with you most.
If you have any questions, comments or feedback we’d both love to hear from you. If you would particularly like a response from either Fitz or Milton, then mark it for their attention. So enjoy, and remember: None but the brave deserves the fair!
Milton and Fitz At the risk of stating the obvious, Fitz and Milton are not our real names. We don’t use these handles because we started life on internet forums or because we want to sound like cool characters from Top Gun. It’s simply that, due to the nature of our other educational commitments, we prefer to remain anonymous. We are also in the middle of a ground-breaking attraction study which necessitates us hiding our real identities. Rest assured, we are real people and don’t show up to coaching sessions in disguise.
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The authors MILTON
Milton is an English graduate, qualified teacher and the Head Coach of the London School of Attraction, where he handles all in-field training.
He studied English Language and Literature at the University of Oxford, majoring in Feminist
Theory. After graduating, Milton taught in South East Asia for three years with the region’s largest language school. As the director of the corporate department, he handled language training and
cultural-awareness programs for international firms such as B.A.T. Indonesia. Milton also provided personal coaching to private business clients.
In the summer of 2009 he started coaching attraction skills to men. In that time, he also spent a year as the lead coach at the largest female dating company in the UK, creating and delivering programs, writing the trainer handbook and responsible for trainer quality control. His experience working with women has been invaluable in helping his male clients.
Widely-read on the subjects of psychology, seduction and influence, Milton is the main contributor to the London School of Attraction blog. Milton’s extensive knowledge of coffee shops and sushi restaurants across the capital is put to good
use every weekend entertaining some of London’s most desirable women. He is also a successful sports-gambler and a collector of fine perfumes.
FITZ
Fitz is a professional teacher and the Director of Studies at the LSA, responsible for all classroom teaching and running our corporate training programmes.
In 2005, after two successful years as a city banker, Fitz became a school teacher, graduating
from the prestigious Teach First programme. As well as his time in the classroom, he spent a year
recruiting and training new teachers to work in inner-city London schools. Fitz has been coaching attraction since the summer of 2009. In addition to working with private clients, he has lectured
at universities and has consulted for some of the most prestigious seduction companies in the world. Last year he conducted a ground-breaking empirical internet-dating study which he plans to release soon.
His entry into this world came after a number of underwhelming relationships, at which point he decided enough was enough. His quest to find the perfect girl took two years, to four continents and on two hundred dates. He is now in a
fantastic relationship with the girl of his dreams and is well-placed to draw on his experience and teaching background to help other men achieve the same success.
When he’s not running training programmes, managing his micro-finance charity or coaching under-11 football, Fitz can be found in his favourite shisha café on the Edgware Road.
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Dear milton & fitz 1. wHERE aRE aLL THE womEn?
I’ve been single ever since I came to London four years ago and I never seem to meet cool girls that are single
and fun. I’m surrounded by blokes at work and when I go out with my mates all we do is get really drunk and I end up going home feeling pretty frustrated. Everyone else seems to have a girlfriend and this lack of action is really starting to get me down. Where the hell are all these women that everyone else seems to be getting together with?
MiLtON I sympathise! It’s very tempting to feel that there are only three ways of meeting women: •
Through work
•
Friends-of-friends
•
On a night out
None of these is working for you right now: you don’t work with women; your friends aren’t introducing you to single girls and your nights out are going nowhere. The first two you can’t do anything about. There certainly are ways to make your nights out more productive (Fitz has some great advice on our blog and in other chapters of this book). But, for you, I’d recommend looking in a completely different place. You see, there are so many better places to meet great women. After all, who wants to say that they met their future wife on a night out or at a work party? Women are everywhere! You live in London, which has more beautiful, cool, single girls than anywhere in the country. You just need to keep your eyes open and stop thinking of nightclubs as the only places these women can be approached. Here are some of the places that I’ve met girls in the last few years: •
Coffee shops
•
Public transport
•
Book shops
•
Restaurants
•
Parks
•
Department stores
•
On the street
Going up to girls can be scary at first, so here’s my advice to you- at first just notice attractive girls during the day. Don’t put pressure on yourself to go and talk to them; just be aware of how many possibilities there actually are to meet people you’re attracted to.
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Fitz Succeeding with women always has, and always will be, a numbers game. The more women you come into contact with, the more opportunities will present themselves and the more options you will have. In your situation I suggest you give internet dating a try. This is not, repeat not, the long term solution. But, if done correctly, it will provide you with a number of credible dates to get you started and there’s always a chance you’ll meet someone really cool. •
Join a dating website. (We don’t advertise other companies in our products but send us an e-mail to
[email protected] and we’ll let you know the best ones)
•
Get a decent profile pic- one of you looking moody and away from the camera works the best (check out our blog post “Internet Dating Best Practice” for more detail).
•
Then hit 20-30 girls with the same message. Try something like: Hey {her name} I would dispense with formalities and go straight into asking you out for a drink, but I know the internet can be a murky place these days and you never know who you are talking to. So I have devised 3 vetting questions: 1)
Which is bluer the ocean or the sea?
2)
Cats, dogs or monkeys?
3)
Great night out or great night in?
Fitz Don’t be disheartened if a girl you really like the look of doesn’t reply. A good rate of reply for initial internet-dating messages is only around 25-35%.
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Dear milton & fitz 2. How can I make first dates go great? The last few months, I’ve been on quite a few dates, but something’s not quite working out. I’m not sure what it is. We get along fine but there never seems to be any chemistry and I never hear from the girl again. All the girls I know tell me that they can’t understand why I’m still single- that makes it worse! Right now I’m feeling like less of a man. What am I doing wrong?
MiLtON Without working with you in person, it’s hard to say exactly where you’re going wrong. Having said that, if I could only give you one piece of advice for your next date, it would be to sort out the first five minutes. Fitz always tells me that if a teacher can get the first five minutes of the class right the remaining fifty-five are easy. If you can go in, make an impact, get your class quiet and focussed on you then you’re almost home. It’s the same with a date. If you can nail the first five minutes, you’ll be amazed at how well the rest of the evening will go. It’s helpful to think how the first five minutes of a typical bad/boring date go from a girl’s perspective: •
The guy greets her nervously at the station
•
He asks her what she’s been up to
•
They walk to the bar without touching
•
He asks her a succession of boring questions
•
At the bar he says “what would you like?”
•
They sit down and continue to small talk
Now this date is on its last legs and they’ve only just got their first drink. Rather than try to salvage it at this point, let’s rewind and get the first steps right. We’ve got to do the opposite of this guy and break the pattern/expectation of a boring date. The key is to do two things that seem contradictory: 1) Make her feel comfortable 2) Surprise her Here’s how you do it: Offer Your Arm Touch her right away. Smile confidently and give her a big hug when you meet her. Then, as you start walking towards wherever you’re going, offer her your elbow so you can walk arm-in arm. By the time you get to the bar, you’ll both be comfortable with touching each other and you’ll have surprised her with a touch of old-fashioned gallantry.
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Hit The Ground Running Don’t ask her how her day has been. Don’t get dragged into talking about the weather or her work or get into any kind of “hairdresser conversation”. Immediately after you’ve said hello launch into an interesting story or whimsical anecdote to cover the first few minutes. It’ll give her a chance to relax and will mean that she won’t feel the conversational pressure of having to think up answers when she’s feeling nervous. You can literally see the girl smile in pleasant surprise if you do this right. Here’s one that Fitz used to use:
Fitz: I had an interesting journey down here.
Girl: Really? What happened?
Fitz: I was sitting on the tube minding my own business and I saw a guy kindly offer to give up his seat for an elderly gentleman who was standing up- nice gesture. Are you are seat-giver-upper on the tube?
Girl: I guess so. Sometimes
Fitz: So the old guy looks at him with absolute disgust and says, “God! Do I really look that old?” Cue bewilderment and embarrassment from the guy who sheepishly took his seat back- I felt pretty bad for both of them! I guess old people don’t see themselves as old- my Dad’s in his sixties and he still talks about “the elderly” and I’m like, “Dad that’s you, you old git!” Would you be a happy oldie do you think? I’ve written a whole blog post on this if you need some more ideas called Hit the Ground Running. Behave Unpredictably Break the “typical date” pattern as soon as you get to the bar. Most guys either buy the girl a drink or offer to split. Why not pay for the drinks but get her to go to the bar (with your money)? Something I often suggest to my clients is that they hand the girl a tenner, tell her what they want and then find an excuse to walk off (use the bathroom, hang up your coats, bag a good table). This also gives you both a little space from each other before you sit down and start talking again.
Fitz My main complaint with the way attraction is currently taught is that it presumes every interaction goes perfectly. Because most companies are in thrall to their marketing departments, they show their methods working flawlessly and never admit that real interactions are often messy, stuttering affairs that require flair and dexterity to get them to work. Here’s a typical sequence that you are taught to follow:
•
Approach the girl
•
Get her attracted to you
•
Let her know that you like her
•
Get to know each other
•
Find a place where the two of you are alone
•
Kiss
But what do you do if you aren’t building attraction with the girl? What if she doesn’t laugh at your joke? What to do if the conversation feels awkward or if she looks bored? What if, as you say, you aren’t creating this chemistry?
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The crazy thing is that if things are going well, you don’t need any help! If things are going well you can just hang out with the girl and things will take care of themselves. The value of attraction coaching is to help you when things don’t go well. It reminds me of something my old Krav Maga teacher told us. He was explaining why traditional martial arts training rarely helped students in the real world: Most martial arts assume everything goes well: “The opponent throws a punch; you block it; you counter with a kick…” Well fights aren’t like that. The true purpose of martial arts should be to teach you what to do when things go wrong. What if you only partially block the punch? What if your technique doesn’t work? What if your kick misses? How do you defend yourself if you find yourself on the ground? Where most martial arts stop, Krav Maga starts. This is how we teach attraction at the LSA. Don’t approach attraction in a linear fashion. Certain techniques will not work for every girl. Certain techniques will not fit every mood or every situation. Certain techniques will not be congruent with every guy. And sometimes the sequence that worked for one interaction will fizzle out in another. Ok- enough theory. The key to a successful date or interaction is to possess a set of tools; I call these “tools of engagement”. Switch to a different tool any time you feel that the girl is not totally engaged in the conversation until you find something that hooks. Here are some of my favourite tools: • S how vulnerability: Show the girl your vulnerable side. I used to tell a story of how, while in Africa, I travelled into the deepest jungle to meet child soldiers. Upon meeting them, I asked detailed questions about their actions and how it made them feel, knowing it could be disastrous for them psychologically- I just couldn’t resist as it was so intriguing. I talked about how this was a moment of deep regret. The story is true and so are the sentiments. • T ell a story: Think of the three most interesting things that have ever happened to you and practice these stories so that they are polished and engaging. They can then be wheeled out at appropriate times. • Build a connection: Find out about her passions, fears and ambitions and try to get inside her head. Who is she and where is she going? Most people pay this lip service, but really listen to her and she will open up. • Play games: Do a card trick, teach her a memory game or have a competition. • S et posers: I love knowing whether someone would rather work a job they love for little money or do a job they hate for a fortune- so I ask. • B e spontaneous: As a rule, whatever you were going to do, do the opposite. Going to kiss her at her front door at the end of the date? Kiss her as soon as you meet her at the station. Planning to take her out for a drink? Take her for breakfast. The date’s going well? Tell her you have to go home. In short, be prepared and be flexible.
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Dear milton & fitz 3. what should I say when I approach a woman? I see girls that I fancy all the time, literally everywhere I go, and it’s driving me nuts. I see them on the tube; I see them in the coffee shop when I get my lunch; I see them in bars and clubs every night. The thing is, when I see a hot girl I have no idea what to say. I’m not getting any younger and I want to meet these girls. Help!
MiLtON Believe it or not, you’re about three-quarters of the way there! You’re noticing these girls; you’re attracted to them; you have a desire to meet them. All you have to do now is communicate those feelings to them. The first thing to bear in mind is that being attracted to women is nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to hide. So you can afford to be very simple and very direct when you approach. This is the methodology I recommend: Micro-context | Compliment | Macro-context •
‘Micro-context’ explains what you were doing when you noticed her.
•
‘Compliment’ reveals what attracted you to her.
•
‘Macro-context’ sets out why you’ve decided to approach girls you’re attracted to.
This system is best illustrated with an example. Suppose you’re on your way home from the gym, when you notice a cute girl sitting outside a coffee shop on the other side of the road. You jog across the road and say: •
Hi. I was just on my way back from the gym and I noticed you from across the road (Micro-context) and I thought you looked absolutely gorgeous – you look like a Italian film star with those huge aviator sunglasses (Compliment). It struck me the other day that there are all these amazing people in the world we never get a chance to meet- and so I decided that if I saw someone who caught my eye I’d go and introduce myself (Macro-context).
The great benefit of this method is that it anticipates all the questions that a girl will ask herself when you approach: •
Who is this guy coming over here? (Micro-context)
•
Why does he want to talk to me? (Compliment)
•
What’s his motivation? (Macro-context)
By doing so you’ll forestall a lot of objections that a girl might have when you approach her. I’ve found this template to be hugely charming. It conveys tremendous confidence and far more honesty than pretending you’re lost or want to know her opinion on something.
Fitz Conversation-starters, commonly called “openers”, are among the best-researched and most important principles of attraction. There are broadly two methods currently taught: the “direct” school recommends you approach the girl by simply telling her how attractive she is; the “indirect” school holds that you should initially disguise your interest in her.
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This simplistic set of choices does not get to the core of the best strategy. It is too dogmatic and does not allow students to be flexible depending on their mood and environment. My preferred taxonomy identifies two genres: “starters” and “authentic openers”. These are often best used chronologically as the evening progresses. It’s best to start off the evening by asking casual and friendly questions. These “starters” are low-risk and lowreward; it is not that easy to make a girl really attracted to you in this way, but they are a great way to get some good conversations going, especially when you are not feeling at your most confident and sociable. A starter comes up with an excuse to start the conversation. Here’s an example: Good evening, may I get your opinion on something? My friend has only been dating this girl for a few weeks and wants to propose- do you think this is too soon? As you feel more confident you can become more risqué. After a few interactions, try asking opinions that are sexual and provocative. For example: Who do you think likes sex more girls or guys?
What the best chat up line to get a girl into bed?
Because these risqué starters are general and abstract they take the focus off the two of you and, therefore, protect you slightly. But they mean the conversation can more easily go down a sexual and flirtatious path. They also demonstrate confidence (both social and sexual) which is automatically attractive. All of this preamble should get you in the mood for what I call “authentic openers”. While starters disguise your reasons for approaching the girl, authentic openers utilise them. You simply tell the girl the real reason why you want to talk to her, without any subterfuge. You can focus on the girl, if that’s what’s on your mind: I think you girls are beautiful; come join us. You’re so cute, I couldn’t stop looking at you, so I thought I’d better come over and say hi. But, unlike standard “direct openers”, my authentic openers are not limited to telling the girl that you like her. Just tell the truth, whatever that may be: My mate’s chatting up a girl over there so I’m going to have to come and talk to you for a while so I don’t get in his way. I decided to approach five random strangers this evening and make friends. I’m Fitz. An authentic opener can even be a question: I thought you looked lovely but I couldn’t think of a good excuse to come and talk to you. What should we talk about? Authentic openers don’t by any means have to be crude. For a beautifully romantic authentic opener, watch the scene in Vicky Cristina Barcelona where Juan-Antonio first approaches the two American girls. Milton has a wonderful post all about this scene on our blog. Ideally, you’d do nothing but authentic openers but, without confidence, they won’t work. So use starters for as long as it takes to get you in the groove.
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Dear milton & fitz 4. Do nice guys finish last?
I’ve always believed that, if you treat women with respect and you’re nice to them, you’ll end up with a great girlfriend. I’ve thought this all my life and I’m thirty-two now and I think I have to face the reality that being a nice guy has got me nowhere. I have a few mates that are disrespectful, unpleasant and downright mean to women, but they’re the ones taking girls home at the end of the night. Even friends of mine who say that these guys are idiots have slept with them! If I absolutely have to, I’ll copy them, but what I really want to know is: how can I still be myself and get the girl?
MiLtON I completely understand your problem; I totally sympathise and I have coached hundreds of men who have come to me with the same dilemma. Having said that, the premise of your question is wrong. Imagine I wanted to become a professional footballer and asked you if I needed to be a bad boy to succeed. You’d surely tell me that it didn’t matter if I was nice or nasty- all that matters is my football ability. Ryan Giggs can succeed just as easily as Vinnie Jones. It’s the same when building attraction with women. Whatever women may say, the nice guy vs bad boy argument is irrelevant. As Neil Straus argued in The Game, the dichotomy that determines who gets the girl is not ‘nice/nasty’ but ‘strong/weak’. Women are not attracted to bad boys- they are attracted to strong behaviour. Now it’s true that bad boys tend to have these strong behaviours in abundance. But this is correlation not causation: they are strong and bad, not strong because they are bad. They build attraction effortlessly because they are decisive, dominant, challenging and confident. Yet, if you know what you’re doing, it’s just as easy to demonstrate all these attributes while at the same time being sensitive, intelligent and empathetic. In fact, it is this combination which will allow you to attract girls of the very highest quality. I imagine you already have half the skill-set (the sensitivity, intelligence and empathy); you just need to develop more strong characteristics. Fitz is especially good at coaching this side of attraction- check out his answers throughout this book for some great tips. So to answer your question: don’t copy your mates, but don’t keep doing what you’re doing either. Become an attractive, high-value man and allow your true personality to come through.
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Fitz An extract from my personal diary aged 19: Why can’t I get anywhere with women? Where am I going wrong? I’m so bloody nice to them; I listen to them; give them advice; help them when they need me and look out for them all the time. None of them are interested in me. Reading the above makes me want to cry- the years and years of wasted opportunities because I didn’t know what to do; the pillow-punching frustration; the loneliness. If I could go back and tell that guy something which would have revolutionised his life, it would be this: Fitz, you may feel your behaviour is honourable but, on a fundamental level, it is borne out of weakness and the need to feel useful and accepted. By all means be kind and generous, but do not use “being a nice guy” as an excuse for not knowing how build attraction with a woman. You see women as a threat; you’ve found you can bring them close with friendship but this is making you miserable and it is making you hate yourself. I even remember turning down opportunities with women. I told myself it was because I wanted to be seen as nice. The truth was I was scared. So here’s my advice, and it’s pretty obvious: be sexual, be the “alpha male” and don’t hide behind a nice veneer which feels like it’ll protect you but will only cause years of hurt.
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Dear milton & fitz 5. How do I get back in the game?
I’m in need of some direction. I recently came out of a long-term relationship; we met at uni, dated for two years of uni and we lived together for four years. At first, being single seemed like a bit of relief, because we’d been arguing a lot and I thought it’d be exciting to go out there and play the field again. But I haven’t had much luck and it suddenly all seems so daunting. I realise that I haven’t had to worry about any of this girls and dating stuff for years and I honestly don’t know where to begin.
MiLtON I’ve got good news and bad news for you. The good news is that the solution is incredibly simple: •
You have to start approaching women.
The bad news is that it’s also very difficult. In fact the overwhelming majority of guys just don’t do it. Approaching women will do three great things for you: •
You’ll meet loads of women
•
You’ll become skilled at building attraction with them
•
You’ll set yourself apart from all the guys who don’t approach them
If you are consistent and do it in the right way you’ll get great results. “What’s the right way?” I hear you cry. Well, read all of the material from this book and our blog and, if you’re still confused, we’ll train you and show you how.
Fitz It is very hard to improve your success with women without changing your conditions. From my experience, some of the best results can be achieved by looking carefully at your social circle. Two things must happen here: •
Spend time with friends who make you feel confident and attractive.
•
Don’t be afraid to admit that achieving success will mean nights out that are dedicated to meeting women. For these nights, you need friends who are willing to come out with you.
A few years ago, my nights out involved getting drunk on the Old Kent Road, drinking pints of ale, eating nuts and talking about football. This was fine, but I what I really wanted to be doing was meeting girls. Until I hooked up with the right guys and went to places with girls (not pubs in the Old Kent Road), I wasn’t going to get anywhere. In terms of finding these guys- it’s not really as hard as you might think. If you ever meet a single guy in a social situation, ask him if he’d be interested in going out to chat to girls; most guys don’t need much of an excuse.
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Dear milton & fitz 6. How important are looks to attracting women? I know you guys coach a lot of men and I want to get your opinion on something. I’m an average-looking guy but I don’t fancy average-looking women! I only fancy stunning girls. Is it realistic that I can get these girls or is it just wishful thinking?
MiLtON The simple answer to your question is “No!” It’s not wishful-thinking. You can get these girls. Now you won’t get them if you are average looking- but you don’t have to be average-looking! Being attractive has little to do with the way you were born and almost everything to do with how you look after yourself. With that in mind, make sure that you do the following and you’ll immediately give yourself a chance with these stunning girls you’re after: •
Get down the gym and get in shape.
•
Eat well, sleep well and stay healthy.
•
Get a cool haircut and either shave or cultivate some facial hair that suits you.
•
Build a strong and consistent image. A girl should be able to describe you in a few words: be the “Punk”, the “City Boy” or the “Indie Kid”.
•
Fix up your style. Clothes are way undervalued when it comes to attracting women. There are some great fashion consultants out there, including some real experts at our sister company Indigo Image. Not that I’m using this e-book to plug them or anything.
Fitz Looks are wildly subjective. In the past I have been described as both absolutely gorgeous and not good looking- I like to think neither is totally true! The truth is that looks are but one part of the jigsaw; rounding out the jigsaw are characteristics such as charisma, dress sense, wealth, occupation, intelligence and bravery. If you can be dominant, decisive, make her feel sexy and look after her in bed she will find you attractive. Women backwards rationalise. They will meet a guy who is confident and who turns them on and call him “goodlooking”. A woman who doesn’t know him might well see his picture and call the same guy “disgusting”, “vulgar”. If you can build attraction then girls will find you attractive; it really is no more complicated than that.
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Dear milton & fitz 7. How do I turn a friend into a girlfriend? You really need to help me. I’ve been friends with this girl for four years, ever since university, and I fancied her from the first day we met. The problem is she only sees me as a friend. We hang out all the time and I’m always hearing about these dates she’s been on or about some guy mistreating her- I desperately want her to myself. She often comes round and we’ll just sit around the kitchen table talking into the night, but it never goes any further. This is playing on my mind all the time and I need to do something about it. I’m tempted to just come out and tell her how I feel.
MiLtON I’m glad you asked this question because I consider it something of a speciality of mine. First of all, don’t tell her how you feel, at least not in the way you’re considering. She probably knows anyway, and verbalising it will cost you any chance you might have with her. DO NOT believe the movies here: she won’t fall into your arms and kiss you while the credits roll. It’ll be awkward; she’ll mutter something about not spoiling your friendship and you might never see her again. In fact, you actually will end up spoiling your friendship! The key to turning a friend into a girlfriend is to convey your (sexual) interest to her in a way that: •
keeps your “value” high by demonstrating that other women are interested in you. What will kill your chances is the sense that you need her, that you can’t have anyone else. What you are trying to convey is: “I could have anyone, but I want you”.
•
is playful, non-explicit, plausibly-deniable and leaves 10% of her wondering if you’re being serious. Don’t be too straightforward; women love mystery and challenge.
You probably feel like you’ve come to a fork in the road. Down one path, you continue to be nice to her, continue to hang out with her and hope she falls in love with you. Down the other, you lay your cards on the table and risk everything in the hope of the “movie ending”. Well there is a third way. You need to try some techniques that might seem counter-intuitive, but will enable you to test her reactions without massive risk. Here are some examples that have worked for guys that I’ve coached. They’re not for everyone; they’re not for every girl; they’re certainly not for every situation. But I hope they’ll give you a sense that there is another way to approach this situation: •
Ask her for advice about an upcoming date.
•
Try to set her up with other guys.
•
Joke about how she loves you but that you only like her as a friend. Any time she does anything that you can misinterpret as her fancying you (e.g. she asks you if you want another drink), tell her that you’re tempted but don’t want to risk your friendship.
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•
Convey your interest in a ridiculously exaggerated way. Tell her that you’re tired because you couldn’t sleep last night because you were dreaming of her.
•
Compare all your other girlfriends unfavourably to her (remember, you’re in demand!). Tell her that you were on a date last night with a gorgeous girl but you’d have much rather been chilling out with her watching a DVD. The key here is to keep a slight smile on your face and be playful- this could all sound rather weird if your tone is too serious.
•
Flirt with her in a teasing way. All the mean stuff you did to girls you fancied at school works well here. Steal her chair when she goes to the bar; give her nicknames; throw screwed-up bits of paper at her; stick your tongue out at her. The sillier the better. This is advanced stuff, because you could easily upset her if you do it wrong, but very powerful and one of the quickest ways to build attraction in a girl who sees you as a friend.
Fitz Very very difficult. Possible but difficult. The reason for your tunnel vision is a lack of other options. I promise you that if you go out and get in a great conversation with a cute girl, this supposed love of your life will soon be a distant memory. To break it down: •
Stop seeing the aforementioned girl.
•
Go out and meet cute girls and banter with them; smell their perfume, make them laugh and become engrossed in them.
If you do the two things above you will not only get this girl out of your head; you’ll also develop the kind of skills with women which with give you a plethora of options, of which this girl in question may be one. Let me tell you a true story about myself. At university, there was this girl I really got on with but I never managed to take things further; she slept with three guys in our halls and I couldn’t for the life of me work out why none of them was me. Anyway, I saw her at a party recently (just before I started dating my current girlfriend) and I was a different person. I had been out with over two hundred women, was totally comfortable in my own skin, well-dressed and at ease talking to anyone. That night we kissed but I decided not to take it further as I was no longer interested in her- I actually ended up spending the night with a different girl. I was the same person but my behaviour was different. Never think women are attracted to people- they are attracted to a certain set of behaviours. Change your behaviour and you will change women’s reactions to you. By then you’ll never get hung up on a single girl again.
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Dear milton & fitz 8. How can I get over my fear of rejection? I feel like I’m really missing out on so much. The thought of going to chat up a girl fills me with dread. I just can’t imagine myself doing it. Occasionally when I’m really drunk I may talk to the odd girl, but this doesn’t really get me anywhere. I’d love to be able to see a girl I fancy in a bar and just stride over and start talking to her. Please help me lose this fear and make me more confident.
MiLtON The big secret that most of the “experts” will never tell you is that you never totally get over feeling anxious about going up and talking to girls. Even the most confident ladies’ man will feel nervous, especially if he hasn’t spoken to anyone for a few hours. And here is the key to overcoming your problem. Wanting to go from never having approached a girl to “striding over” to her is like getting to the gym and immediately squatting your maximum weight on the heavy bar. You’ve got to warm up! To help my students get over this problem, I developed a strategy of “fractional approaches”. This allows you to take small steps to build your confidence. What you call “chatting up” a girl, I think of as a “full approach”. Before you do a full approach, try out some of the following: •
Quarter Approaches: chat to a waitress, make small talk with the guy selling you a newspaper
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Half Approaches: offer to help someone who looks lost, listen to a charity girl try to sign you up
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Three-Quarter Approaches: talk to someone at the gym on the next machine to you, chat to a girl at the bar getting a drink
Work your way up in difficulty, and only attempt a full approach when you feel confident doing the easier ones. Also, see my blog post “Fractional Approaches” for a really in-depth look at the subject.
Fitz This is a problem that every single student I’ve worked with has faced. The best approach is not to try to eliminate the fear, but to readjust your reaction to it. I used to see fear as a negative thing, but now I know it just means I’m about to do something worthwhile. The more scared you feel, the better the activity is for you- in fact, it is when you see the cute girl and feel nothing inside, when you don’t feel that nervous excitement, that you really need to worry. So my advice to you is to see the beautiful girl, surrounded by her equally beautiful friends, and go tell her you like her; most of the time the response will be great. See how you feel and feel the strength that facing up to your fear gives you.
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Dear milton & fitz 9. what’s the best way to go for the kiss? When I’m talking to a girl and I feel like the kiss might be “on”, I never really know what to do. Help!
MiLtON Most guys who struggle with kissing make one of two errors: •
Surprise: they try to kiss the girl suddenly, with no build-up and no warning. The girl is shocked and surprised and, even if she does want to kiss you, will often back away simply because she didn’t see it coming.
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Permission: they ask the girl for permission to kiss her. This is the worse of the two mistakes: it conveys a pitiful lack of confidence; it’s not romantic; it draws too much attention to what is happening and what is about to happen. And it forces the girl to verbally commit to kissing. It’s your job to lead, not hers.
Successfully kissing a girl requires you to navigate between the Scylla of surprise and the Charybdis of permission. Let me explain how you can be more like Jason, who negotiated the Strait of Messina with no casualties, rather than Odysseus, who lost a few sailors, or Aeneas, who was forced to bypass the strait altogether. I’ve found that the key is to use the word “kiss”, whatever you’re talking about, a few minutes before you actually kiss her. You’ll know when the time is right- your body will tell you in fact! You’ll start to feel a bit nervous and excited. You’ll start looking at her lips and thinking about kissing her. Now all you need to do is to give her a bit of warning that it’s about to happen. She can’t help but start thinking about it if she hears the word. I like to do this quite directly: (holding up your hand and interrupting her…) just to let you know I’m going to kiss you in a few minutes. Now, sorry, what were you saying? (after she’s finished saying something not important…) I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening to any of that; I was just thinking about kissing you. You were saying, your boss is an idiot… (up at a crowded bar…) You’re so cute you know, if there weren’t all these people around I’d kiss you right now. Now what was it, rum and coke? These techniques might seem a bit risky, but there are a few subtleties that make them work: •
You’re not telling her that you’re going to kiss her right now or right here- you’re either going to kiss her later or somewhere else. Whatever obstacles you put up make her feel both comfortable and more attracted to you (because you are showing restraint and social intelligence).
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You get off the topic immediately afterwards. Don’t stand there feeling pleased with yourself and looking for a reaction. Tell her straight away to carry on with what she was saying or tell you what drink she wants or even ask her the time. This has the added benefit of bringing unpredictability to the date (“wait he said he wanted to kiss me but he didn’t kiss me and now he’s asking me what I want to drink…”).
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•
Don’t try any of this stuff when she’s in the middle of telling you something important or personal- to do so would be rude and ill-mannered and ungentlemanly. Wait till she’s just finished telling you about her boring day at work.
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Keep a twinkle in your eye and a slight smile on your lips. Some of these verbal gambits could sound extremely creepy if you look totally serious.
Fitz To successfully become physical with a girl the first thing to get right is the location and ambiance. Venues that work well include quiet corners in bars, romantic secluded spots in the park and your sofa with some low lighting and some nice chilled out music. I now like to think of having three tools at your disposal: Your voice Speak slower, deeper and more smoothly. This is unfamiliar for most guys- I used to practise by reading out football match reports in my most seductive voice! Your eyes Leave a pause at the end of a sentence and let your eyes linger on her. Look at her suggestively. Be confident- if you are feeling attracted to her it is likely to be reciprocated. Look at her like you are physically attracted to her and want her. Your body Graduate your touches from high fives to brushes on the arm to hugging to touching her face to kissing. Make a mental note of the stage you are at and keep progressing until you get an uncomfortable reaction (this is common when inexperienced). At this point, go one step back and start progressing again. I am acutely aware that what I am telling you here isn’t all completely intuitive. Try it and, if you are still having problems, send us an e-mail with your issue and we’ll get back to you with our solution.
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Dear milton & fitz 10. what’s the one thing I should do to get better with women right now? I read the Game a few months ago and it really opened my eyes to all the advice out there. There’s just so much: there’s books, coaching programmes, blogs, forums, DVDs, newsletters… and I feel a bit overwhelmed. I’ve been single for too long and I’m desperate to get better with women, but what should I really do to get this sorted?
MiLtON You probably won’t like what I’m going to say, but you need to hear it. If you want to get better with women, you have to do one thing and one thing only: go out and practise. Reading free advice won’t hurt (in fact, there’s a load of fantastic free content on our blog) but save your money on books, DVDs and other products for now. Approach women and see what happens. Get some experience; get some feedback. Learn what works and what doesn’t work for you. Books and DVDs might give you a few lines to try, but the truth is that no book will ever force you to go out of your house and get stuck in. And there’s a real danger that you start to use these products as a crutch: “I’ll just buy one more book, listen to one more podcast, and then I’ll be ready to go out and approach some real women…” If you feel it could help you, by all means try some live coaching. Certainly, if you’re still struggling to actually speak to women whenever you want, coaching can make a difference. But, before you hand over your money, for God’s sake make sure: •
You’re hiring someone with teaching experience.
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Your teacher has a sound theoretical body of knowledge.
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Your teacher has a precise methodology for helping you (Does he use simulations? Games? Does he set challenges? How does he structure his classes?)
And actually ask these questions of people trying to sell to you! Good teachers won’t mind at all, and the charlatans will be exposed.
Fitz Honestly, if you want to get good fast, take some coaching and take it with us. All our coaches are professional teachers and we know exactly how to build your skill set in the shortest possible time. I played golf for 7 years and hacked it around off 24. I finally decided enough was enough and got 10 lessons- before long I was off 16. You wouldn’t expect to master playing the piano without the benefit of some lessons and it’s this same with this; if you want to get serious with women you need to bring in the professionals.
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Companies that promise you a quick fix, promise you girls bashing down your door, are pure marketers. It is tough to be great with women: it requires practice and dedication but, if you listen to our advice and are methodical in your approach, the results will astound you. Everyone will see you differently and you will have a situation of abundance not scarcity. If you think you can be cured in a weekend, by all means go to a company that promises the earth. If you think you can become immeasurably better in a weekend, and give yourself the skills and foundations for the love life of your dreams, get in touch and I look forward to working with you.
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