Essential Guide to Wedding Etiquette

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the

The rules of the wedding game have changed.

Wedding expert Sharon Naylor shows you how to: • Properly word wedding invitations and envelopes • Make appropriate wedding party choices • Decipher who pays for what • Send out timely thank-you notes • Answer sticky guest list questions • Fire a nasty bridesmaid From your dull neighbor to your unconventional cousin, pull off the wedding of your dreams without an eyebrow being raised. Sharon Naylor is the author of numerous books on weddings, including Your Special Wedding Toasts, Your Special Wedding Vows, 1000 Best Wedding Bargains and 1000 Best Secrets for Your Perfect Wedding.

Weddings/ Reference

$10.95 U.S. $14.95 CAN £ 5.99 U.K.

ESSENTIAL Guide to Wedding Etiquette

Traditions have changed and family relationships have become more complex—altering what’s proper and what’s rude in the eyes of your wedding guests.

ISBN-13: 978-1-4022-0512-5 ISBN-10: 1-4022-0512-0 ISBN 1-4022-0512-0

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to wedding etiquette Expert Advice on What’s Proper and What’s Not

Naylor EAN

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9 781 402 205 125

Sharon Naylor

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the essential guide to wedding etiquette Sharon Naylor

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Copyright © 2005 by Sharon Naylor Cover and internal design © 2005 by Sourcebooks, Inc. Cover photo © Getty Images Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Sourcebooks, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems—except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews—without permission in writing from its publisher, Sourcebooks, Inc. This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional service. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.—From a Declaration of Principles Jointly Adopted by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations All brand names and product names used in this book are trademarks, registered trademarks, or trade names of their respective holders. Sourcebooks, Inc., is not associated with any product or vendor in this book. Published by Sourcebooks, Inc. P.O. Box 4410, Naperville, Illinois (630) 961-3900 FAX: (630) 961-2168 www.sourcebooks.com

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ISBN-13: 978-1-4022-0512-5 Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Naylor, Sharon. Essential guide to wedding etiquette / Sharon Naylor. p. cm. ISBN-13: ISBN 1-4022-0512-0 (alk. paper) 1. Wedding etiquette. I. Title. BJ2051.N395 2005 395.2’2—dc22 2005020141 Printed and bound in the United States of America. ED 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2

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This book is dedicated to my mother Joanne, who always has flawless etiquette.

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Other Books by Sharon Naylor The Busy Bride’s Essential Wedding Checklists The Bridesmaid Handbook 1000 Best Wedding Bargains 1000 Best Secrets for Your Perfect Wedding Your Special Wedding Toasts Your Special Wedding Vows The Mother of the Bride Book Mother of the Groom The Groom’s Guide Your Day, Your Way: The Essential Handbook for The 21st Century Bride (coauthored with celebrity bridal gown designers Michelle and Henry Roth) The Ultimate Bridal Shower Idea Book How to Have a Fabulous Wedding for $10,000 Or Less The Complete Outdoor Wedding Planner How to Plan an Elegant Wedding in 6 Months Or Less 1001 Ways to Have a Dazzling Second Wedding The 52 Most Romantic Places in and around New York City (contributor) and others as listed at www.sharonnaylor.net

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Table of Contents Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1 Part 1: Your Engagement Chapter 1: Sharing the Great News . . . . . . . .4 Informing Friends and Family Save the Date Cards Chapter 2: Wedding Announcements and Save the Date Cards . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 Newspaper Announcements Printed Announcements Chapter 3: Engagement Parties . . . . . . . . . .18 Chapter 4: Your Wedding Website . . . . . . . .23 Part 2: Choosing Your Wedding Party Chapter 5: Selecting and Asking Your Wedding Party Members to Participate . . . . . . . . . .30 Making Your Choices of Maid of Honor and Best Man Handling Difficult Situations The Etiquette of the “Working Together Process” Chapter 6: The Roles of Your Wedding Party Members . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 Chapter 7: Removing a Wedding Party Member . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .49 Part 3: Your Planning Team Chapter 8: Inviting Parents and Others to Help Plan the Wedding . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .52 Deciding Their Level of Involvement How to Ask Them Respectfully Parent and Stepparent Etiquette Wedding Coordinator Etiquette

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Chapter 9: Parents’ Roles and Responsibilities: A New World of Etiquette Rules . . . . . . . .57 Part 4: Money Issues Chapter 10: Talking Money to Set a Budget . .62 When Money is an Issue Chapter 11: The Etiquette of Prenuptial Agreements . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .72 Prenuptial Agreements Part 5: Your Guest List Chapter 12: Building Your Guest List . . . . .78 Creating Your List Parents’ Guest List Etiquette “And Guest” Issues Handling the Issue of Children Chapter 13: Cutting Your List Down . . . . . .86 Part 6: Ceremony Planning Chapter 14: Ceremony Style Etiquette . . . . .92 Religious Ceremonies Interfaith Ceremonies Secular Ceremonies Civil Ceremonies Second Weddings Destination Weddings Other Special Styles Chapter 15: Working with an Officiant . . . .105 Chapter 16: Personalizing Your Ceremony . .109 Tributes and Special Touches Part 7: Reception Planning Chapter 17: A Matter of Style and Formality . .112

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Chapter 18: Working with Your Reception Manager or Caterer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .115 Chapter 19: Seating Chart Etiquette . . . . . .119 Part 8: Wedding Day Wardrobe Chapter 20: Matching Choices to Formality and Style . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .126 Chapter 21: The Etiquette of Group Shopping, Long-Distance Organizing, Ordering, and Paying . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .132 Part 9: Invitations Chapter 22: Choosing Your Style of Print Packages . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .138 Chapter 23: Invitation Wording . . . . . . . . .142 Chapter 24: Etiquette of Additional Printed Items . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .157 Chapter 25: Handling Regrets and Cancellations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .166 Part 10: Flowers and Décor Chapter 26: Special Etiquette Notes about Flowers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .172 Part 11: Parties, Gifts, and More Chapter 27: Etiquette Tips for Additional Parties . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .178 Bridal Showers Bridal Brunches and Breakfasts Wedding Weekend Events Wedding Morning Gatherings Chapter 28: Favors and Gifts . . . . . . . . . . .183 Ideal Choices Donations Instead of Gifts or Favors?

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Chapter 29: Guests’ Lodging and Transportation Needs . . . . . . . . . . . . . .188 Part 12: The Rehearsal and Rehearsal Dinner Chapter 30: Rehearsal Etiquette . . . . . . . .194 Chapter 31: Rehearsal Dinner Etiquette . . .198 Part 13: On the Wedding Day Chapter 32: The Wedding Morning . . . . .204 Chapter 33: Pre-Ceremony Etiquette . . . . .210 Guests are Greeted and Seated Timely Arrivals: Late is Not “Fashionable” Who’s Escorting the Bride Down the Aisle Chapter 34: Post-Ceremony Etiquette . . . .220 The Receiving Line Post-Ceremony Moments Chapter 35: At the Reception . . . . . . . . . .226 The Grand Entrance Special Dances Toasts Greeting Guests and Accepting Gifts Cutting the Cake Garter and Bouquet Tosses Your Departure Chapter 36: After the Wedding . . . . . . . . .231 The After-Party and Wedding Morning Celebrations Sending Guests Home Happy Chapter 37: Saying Thank You . . . . . . . . .235 Note from the Author . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .244 About the Author . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .245

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Acknowledgments Again, and as always, my thanks to Deb Werksman, Susie Benton, Rachel Jay, and Katie Olsen at Sourcebooks. I’m tremendously grateful to my fabulous agent Meredith Bernstein, my wise-beyondwords publicist Scott Buhrmaster, Mike Napolitan for his almost-daily updates to my website, and my colleagues at the Association of Bridal Consultants and the International Special Events Society. And my thanks to all of the people I run into daily who live their lives with compassion and thoughtfulness for others—Cathy, Faye, and Carmelina are three such gems who make the world a better place.

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Introduction: Etiquette, A New Definition Etiquette has everything to do with your being gracious to others for what you receive, showing a high level of respect to others’ feelings and your deepest-held religious and cultural beliefs, demonstrating class and consideration as part of your character. It’s not about high society’s rules as much as it is about your wish to be classy, gracious, and kind as an individual. Of course you want to do all the right and proper things. Of course you want to avoid offending anyone. Of course you want everything to be just right for your dream wedding. And of course, to do all of that, you need to know what today’s wedding etiquette is all about. From the wording of your wedding invitations, to who walks you down the aisle, to engagement announcements and Save the Date cards, your gown, your rehearsal, your wedding party choices, who can throw you a shower, how long you can take to send out thank-you notes, what’s correct if this is your

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second wedding and his first, even firing a bitchy bridesmaid—you’ll find the answers here. Even better, you’ll have the answers in black and white to share with the many opinionated others around you, showing them that yes, your decision is perfectly acceptable in today’s wedding world.

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Your Engagement

Part One: Your Engagement

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1 Sharing the Great News Even if you did whip out your cell phone to call your best friend with the news of your engagement ten minutes after it happened (after all, it’s your best friend who helped your fiancé set up the engagement surprise), telling your parents first is the best thing to do, particularly if you expect to have your parents involved with the wedding plans. If your parents live nearby, call to ask if you can stop in for a quick visit with a loaded announcement that “We have great news!” Your parents will likely be able to guess what that news is, and you can walk through the front door with giant smiles on your faces. 0 Get both parents on the phone and tell them both at the same time. Dads tell me they love being included in the announcement, not hearing it second-hand from the Mom. 0 If your parents live far away, and your fiancé’s parents live nearby, make the first call to your parents to share the great news, and then call to arrange a visit to the local parents.

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0 If possible, assemble your parents, siblings, and perhaps even your grandparents, for your big announcement. Ask everyone over for dinner, and then share the good news with your entire family in attendance. 0 And of course, this wonderful dinner can be planned to include both your side of the family and his, so that everyone finds out at once.

Telling Your Children If one or both of you have children from a previous relationship, or if you’ve had children together before you decide to marry, your kids will be the first people you tell about your engagement, even before your parents. It would be a terrible mistake to hide your news from your kids, even if your intentions are good. Perhaps you think the kids might take the news with difficulty, so you’ll hold off. If your kids hear the news from others, such as a grandparent who didn’t know you were planning to tell your son or daughter later, that hurts. Kids of blending families are already frightened of being “replaced” by a new spouse or his or her kids. Finding out that you kept a secret this big…kids don’t handle that well. 0 Tell all of the kids together, at one time and in one place. 0 Don’t tell the older kids first, and then ask them to keep quiet until you can tell the younger kids. That’s a conflict waiting to happen. Sharing the Great News




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0 If the news shocks or upsets your kids initially, that wouldn’t be unusual. Change is hard for some children, so you may even find yourselves spending a lot of time talking with your kids about your engagement and answering their questions about how life will be in the future before you take the next step in informing your parents and friends. It’s a wise move to care for your kids’ reactions before the flurry of relatives’ and friends’ congratulations and excited visits come pouring in.

Telling the Rest of the Family Just try to stop your parents from getting right on the phone or online to share the great news with everyone in the family. The excitement takes over, and Moms and Dads can’t wait to tell everyone they know that you’re getting married. Here are the new etiquette smarts to save some of the joy for you: 0 It’s perfectly okay for you both to let your parents know which relatives you want to personally call or visit with your news. Just say, “I know you can’t wait to share the great news with everyone. Just so you know, I’m planning to call Grandma, Aunt Millie, and Aunt Rose tomorrow…I just can’t wait to hear their reaction when I tell them.” Clear communication is key to great etiquette, and ensures that you get at least some of the fun in surprising your relatives with your great news. 6




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0 Important relatives who should be told first: siblings, nieces and nephews, grandparents, godparents, favorite aunts and uncles, and even family friends who are like grandparents or aunts and uncles to you. These are the people who would feel slighted, quite understandably, if they were to hear about your engagement secondhand. Honor their important positions in your lives by making sure they’re among the first to know. 0 Acknowledge that your parents making their excited phone calls is welcomed by you. You want them to have fun too, and you’ll put them at ease by letting them know you’re not going to be an attention-hound or a control freak about that. You’ve made your requests, and the rest is up to them. Then sit back and get ready for all the congratulations to roll in. 0 And of course, you can send out an email to all of your relatives, sharing your great news. Include a picture from the night of your proposal if you wish. This way, even if Mom has called everyone she knows, you still remain gracious and thoughtful in informing all of your relatives personally.

One word of warning about letting your family know about your engagement when they’re all gathered together. Never, ever impose on someone else’s celebration—such as a wedding or an anniversary Sharing the Great News




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party they’re hosting—to make your announcement. It’s their big day, not yours, and it would be rude of you to use their event as your big moment, unless they strongly encourage you to. Some very gracious hosts do decide on their own that yes, it would add to the festivities if everyone were to celebrate your good news as well. But you must be invited to make your announcement. Never ask for permission from a party’s host, as you don’t want them to sheepishly agree and then feel manipulated or obligated later. Some newly-engaged couples decline a host’s invitation to make their announcement, very considerately honoring the guests of honor at that party. Assure the host that while you appreciate the offer, you’d rather wait.

Telling Your Friends It’s your choice whether you’d like to call your friends or tell them in person, and it’s your choice as to the order in which you’ll inform them. A terrific “We’re engaged!” email to all of your near and far friends— perhaps a cute animated e-card—gets the job done in an instant and eliminates any imagined favoritism. This is a top choice for brides who live and work in a city far away from their friends.

Telling Office Friends and Bosses Great etiquette in the workplace is built around not disrupting the flow of the day’s work, being respectful of where you are. It’s a great idea to share the news 8




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with your work buddies briefly, and then plan to go out to lunch with everyone so that you can elaborate on your terrific proposal story.

The Person You Forgot to Tell It never fails. Certain people come to you pouting that you didn’t tell them personally. What’s the best etiquette for dealing with their injured feelings? Honesty. Just tell these people that you’ve been overwhelmed, that you weren’t able to call all of the people you would have liked to call, and that you hope they’re not taking it as a personal slight. That’s very gracious handling of a sticky situation.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Printed engagement announcements are not proper anymore. Anyone you send an announcement to must be invited to your wedding. At this point, you might not have your official wedding guest list created. So sending announcements now would lock you into a larger guest list later. Plus, some guests consider official, printed engagement announcements as a plea to send the couple engagement presents. So the practice has ended. In its place: the newspaper announcement and the Save the Date card, which you’ll learn more about right now…

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2 Wedding Announcements and Save the Date Cards The practice of placing your engagement announcement in the newspaper is still great etiquette. You’ll get to share your news with your friends, family, and work colleagues in an official way, and perhaps even “introduce” your fiancé to them as well. This in-print, and often online, announcement has an etiquette of its own. 0 You’ll create and submit your announcement after you’ve had an official engagement portrait taken. (Note: check with your chosen newspaper before you have your picture taken, as some do not accept pictures in which one of you is standing and one of you is sitting, due to picture layout concerns.) 0 You’ll submit your engagement announcement when you have your wedding date and location set. Some newspaper forms require that you state at least a month and year (as in June, 2008) and the city in which you will be married. So you must have those details covered.

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When to Submit 0 You can submit your engagement announcement right away, if you wish. You no longer need to wait until no earlier than three months before the wedding.

Where to Submit 0 Choose which newspapers you’d like to feature your engagement announcement. 0 You’ll not only look at your own local papers, but those of your old hometowns where you used to work or live (so that your circle of friends and family there can see it as well). 0 Submit announcements to your parents’ hometown newspapers as well, honoring them with the sharing of your news in their own communities. 0 Some couples even submit to their grandparents’ hometowns for their loving bragging rights. 0 For some couples, the deciding factors are whether or not announcements are free (in some cities, you’ll be charged for the service) and if you’ll be allowed to write your own announcement.

Using a Newspaper’s Announcement Template The newspaper offers to take the etiquette factor out of your hands. You’ll provide them with all the names and details, and they’ll plug your information into their existing proper format. Most follow the format of stating that the bride’s parents (names) announce Wedding Announcements and Save the Date Cards




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the engagement of their daughter (name) to Mr. (groom’s name), etc., following the traditional model.

When You Get to Write Your Own Announcement When you do pen your own announcement, keep the following etiquette rules in mind: 0 Don’t make it a book. You can add plenty of details to your own personalized wedding website instead. 0 Be sure to honor all parents and their partners with the correct spellings of their names and correct hometowns. 0 Check out the following sample wordings for your unique parental situation: When the bride’s parents are divorced: 0 The bride’s mother’s name comes first, as in Mrs. Elaine Martin Jones and Mr. Robert Jones of Tampa, Florida announce the engagement of their daughter Miss Renee Elizabeth Jones… When the bride’s parents are divorced and one is remarried: 0 Mrs. Elaine Martin Jones of Tampa, Florida and Mr. and Mrs. Robert Jones of Tampa, Florida announce the engagement of their daughter… When the bride’s parents are divorced and both are remarried: 0 Mr. and Mrs. Franklin Kendall of Tampa, Florida and Mr. 12




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and Mrs. Robert Jones of Tampa Florida announce the engagement of their daughter… When the groom’s parents are divorced: 0 Mr. and Mrs. Robert Jones of Tampa, Florida announce the engagement of their daughter Miss Renee Elizabeth Jones to Mr. Warren Anthony Zane, son of Mrs. Anne Smith Zane and Mr. Anthony G. Zane of Orlando, Florida. 0 You’ll follow the same models of divorced and remarried parents for the groom’s unique mix of parentage. When the bride’s parent is deceased: 0 Your surviving parent is listed as the announcer, followed by Miss Jones is also the daughter of the late Mrs. Juliet Swayne Jones. When the groom’s parent is deceased: 0 The groom is announced as the son of Mrs. Linda Scott O’Reilly and the late Mr. Jeffrey R. O’Reilly.

He’s Marrying a Mrs.? If you are a divorcee, you may be listed as simply Jennifer Smith Markson, using your name if you kept it after divorce, and your maiden name as clarification, even if you did not hyphenate your name in your previous marriage. You may, of course, use the title “Ms.” if you prefer.

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When the Parental Issue Is Just Too Complicated 0 It would take lines and lines of text to name all of your parents and their new partners, stepparents who raised you and are no longer married to your biological parent but are married to someone new and still remain a parent figure to you, all of their hometowns, etc.…and then the same thing for your groom’s family! To avoid a veritable roster, it’s perfectly fine for you to write (as you may on your wedding invitation) The loving parents of…as a brief opener to your announcement. 0 Stepparents are always included under the group title of “parents.” No one is set apart on an announcement as a stepparent.

When You’re Announcing Your Own Engagement 0 It might just be your preference in the modern world to announce your own engagement, rather than have your parents announce it. 0 Traditional etiquette presented this option to divorced women who are self-established and no longer need to be announced by their parents. 0 If all of your parents are deceased, this is your option. Late parents do not have announcements attributed to them. 0 Your wording would be Miss Sandrine Lee Miller and Mr. Donald Reginald Frank III are pleased to announce their engagement, or happily announce their engagement. 14




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Getting Your Name Right Of course, you’ll be sure to spell your name correctly, but note that it’s proper to call yourself Miss if you’re unmarried, even if you’re over the age of eighteen.

0 Ms. is an option that’s also open to you now, should you be uncomfortable with the Miss title. Some corporate women dislike having Miss in front of their names. They’ve always gone by Ms. 0 Mr. is appropriate for men, and does not need to be spelled out in an announcement as Mister. 0 You’ll use your titles, such as Dr. or a lineage mark, such as III (see the example on the previous page.) 0 You’ll use your full name, including middle name.

Online Announcement Etiquette Since many newspapers post engagement announcements and accompanying photos in their online editions, you have a new category of etiquette rules to consider: 0 Do not email the link to this announcement to everyone you know. That would be too much like sending printed announcements, which can be perceived as pleas for gifts. Instead, just send the link to select relatives and friends. 0 You can include the link on your personal wedding website. Guests can click on it if they wish. 0 Know that in some cases, you can opt out of having your announcement posted online by the newspaper. Wedding Announcements and Save the Date Cards




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Printed Announcement Keepsakes 0 When your newspaper announcement appears in print, be sure to pick up copies (or make copies) for special relatives and friends who would like to keep them as a memento. 0 Mail these copies out to your recipients as soon as possible, with a personal note from you. “Just thought you’d like to see this…” works fine, especially for those whose hometown newspapers do not include your announcement. 0 As a gesture of kindness for elderly or sightimpaired relatives or friends, have these sometimes hard-to-read announcements easily enlarged on a copy machine.

Save the Date Cards Sending out Save the Date cards is a wise move in today’s time-crunched world, and they’re an acceptable “bending” of old etiquette rules that previously nixed engagement announcements. Here are the etiquette rules of Save the Date cards: 0 They can be sent right away, as soon as you have your official wedding guest list absolutely finalized. 0 Again, you’ll send these only to people invited to your wedding, as it would be a major faux pas to send them out, and then in the future not send a wedding invitation to someone who “saved the date.” 0 Your Save the Date card is a printed announcement, in a style matching the formality of your 16




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wedding (see the chapter on invitations to follow for more on the etiquette of matching print items to your wedding’s formality and style), which lets your guests know what kind of wedding to expect (as in, outdoor, beach, ultraformal, informal, etc.). 0 The card will contain the basics: your names, your wedding date and time, and the location, with an opener stating “Save the Date,” so that guests who might not be familiar with this type of announcement will know that a more detailed invitation will follow soon. 0 It’s perfectly acceptable, and in fact quite wise, to provide your personal wedding website address, so that guests can find out more about your wedding. See Chapter 4 for more on personalized wedding websites. 0 Your Save the Date card can also provide the names and contact information to hotels where they may book their rooms, including any group discount code numbers. 0 You will not provide RSVP information on this card. That is saved for the wedding invitation. 0 Save the Date cards, like wedding invitations, are addressed to guests who will be invited to the wedding. For instance, Mr. and Mrs. Steven Paulison if just the couple is invited, and not their kids. Or Mr. and Mrs. Steven Paulison and Family if the kids are invited as well. It’s very important to let them know who in their family needs to “save the date.” Wedding Announcements and Save the Date Cards




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3 Engagement Parties You may have heard that it’s considered bad etiquette to have an engagement party. After all, the point of today’s etiquette seems to be avoiding any sense of obligation on your guests’ behalf. Wouldn’t hosting an engagement party seem like a plea for another round of presents for you? Some couples today feel that yes, hosting an engagement party is “too much,” and that it can be skipped entirely. Yet other couples and their families are sticking with family tradition and having engagement parties…but they’re doing it according to good etiquette.

Who can host an engagement party? 0 The bride’s parents traditionally hosted engagement parties in the past, and this practice still rings true in today’s society. The bride’s parents were always seen as the official hosts of the wedding, so it was their job (and pleasure) to throw the party and make the first announcement to guests.

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0 Even if both sets of parents are partnering in the wedding plans, the bride’s parents still want to take the reins for the engagement party (sticking with tradition) and the groom’s parents still want to take the reins for the rehearsal dinner (also sticking with tradition). This à la carte etiquette plan works well for parents, and is one of the most accepted arrangements out there.

An Etiquette Bend Couples are skirting the etiquette issue by inviting their closest friends and family to dinner as a celebration of their engagement, and this might be the gathering where they’ll invite their wedding party members, officially, to take part in the wedding. It’s not an engagement party, per se, but it’s a celebration of their engagement. Perfectly fine.

0 The bride and groom never host an official engagement party in their own honor. That’s most often seen as a major faux pas: a plea for gifts. 0 If your sets of parents live in different cities, surrounded by friends and family in each location, then it’s quite acceptable for them each to plan a separate engagement party for you. 0 Friends, work friends, siblings, and others may opt to host engagement parties for you as well.

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Who gets invited to an engagement party? 0 Guest lists are kept small, often just to very close friends and family. 0 You do not have to invite everyone who’s going to be invited to the wedding. People understand that these types of parties are often kept to the extreme inner circle. 0 But you do have to make sure that if someone is invited to the engagement party, they’re also going to be invited to the wedding. It’s a terrible breach of etiquette to invite someone to this party and not to the big event. 0 All parents get invited to the engagement party, even if parents and stepparents are clashing or not speaking right now. It’s a time for them to step above their own dramas to be there for you. Do not attempt to avoid tensions by leaving a parent or stepparent off the invitee list.

What is the acceptable style of an engagement party? That is completely up to you. You can have a formal dinner out at a restaurant or catered at home, a cocktail party, a dessert and champagne party, a wine and cheese party, a formal brunch, or a casual family-style dinner at your place. Tradition usually stated that a formal dinner or cocktail party was appropriate for engagement celebrations, but this is an etiquette area that is bending. Some couples prefer more casual settings, and for them, that’s perfectly fine.

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What is the etiquette for engagement party gifts? You should never put anything about gifts on an invitation, engagement or otherwise. Giving a gift is always the guest’s choice. So is it okay for you to write on the engagement party invitation the very guest-considerate statement of “No Gifts, Please”? No, it’s not. And here’s why: some of your guests will ignore that. To them, it’s an unwritten rule that you always bring a gift to a party in someone’s honor. That’s just how it’s done in their families and in their culture. Your other guests are then going to be caught in this thought process: “What if we don’t bring a gift, but other people do? We’ll look terrible!” Your originally thoughtful “No Gifts” comment has just backfired and obligated guests to break your rule. The correct answer is to put nothing about gifts on your invitation. Leave it as your guests’ choice, and handle gifts in the following manner: 0 If someone arrives at your party with a gift, thank them and put it aside. 0 You will not open your engagement gifts in front of your guests (as you would at a bridal shower, for instance). Doing so would embarrass guests who didn’t bring a gift, and it’s considered in bad taste to expect guests to watch you open engagement gifts for an hour. 0 If guests call you before the party to ask where you’re registered, you can tell them. They called, they asked, you can answer. Engagement Parties




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0 Open your gifts in private after the party, and be sure to send personalized thank-you notes very soon after the party.

What is the correct etiquette for toasts during an engagement party? 0 The host proposes the first toast of the evening to congratulate you. 0 After that, anyone may make a toast, including the two of you to thank your hosts and guests for sharing the celebration with you. 0 Toasts should be short and sweet, not rambling monologues that stop the party dead in its tracks.

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4 Your Wedding Website Creating a personalized wedding website is a wonderful way to share your engagement story and pictures with your guests, so that even the most faraway relative or friend can share in your excitement. These highly popular sites are also the answer to an etiquette prayer: you can share planning details with your guests. From directions to the ceremony and reception sites to links to the hotel, to wedding weekend plans and other vital details, your all-inclusive site allows guests easy access to the information they need to know, including your wedding gift registry link. Yet there are some etiquette issues regarding personalized wedding websites that you should be aware of: 0 Your wedding website address is best provided on your Save the Date cards with a note to guests that all of your wedding information can be found there. 0 You can email the link of your wedding website to your wedding guests if you wish, with a note

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that you’re providing them with hotel and travel information for their use. You won’t mention that the gift registry link is there, though. They’ll see that when they visit. Again, you’ll make no mention of gifts; this sending is for their travel purposes. 0 Don’t get link-happy. Sure, you’ve made updates to your site, added photos from when you went dress shopping, and so on. But sending constant emails out to your friends and family announcing a new addition to your site is just ringing your own bell too loudly. So avoid e-announcements to visit your site unless there is a crucial change, such as to the location of your wedding or your hotel room block information. In those cases, it’s not only correct, it’s an essential. 0 Be gracious about what you include in your website wording. You can thank your parents for their help with the wedding plans, your guests with an all-inclusive thank you for their congratulations, and even your fiancé for being such a terrific part of your life. 0 Be mindful about events, like your engagement party, that you include on your site and to which you didn’t invite some family or friends. Some people can get angry when they see the fun pictures from your engagement party and they weren’t invited. You might choose to leave these VIP events off your site. 0 Don’t get too mushy or overly-dramatic on your 24




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site. There’s a new etiquette rule forming right now that warns against going too far in expressing your joy about your engagement or praising your fiancé(e) publicly.

Your Bridal Registry The main concern with registries, etiquette-wise, is letting guests know where you are registered. As mentioned earlier, you may provide your registry details on your personalized wedding website, and more bridal shower hosts are technically breaking the old etiquette rules and choosing to include printed cards (provided by the stores where the couple is registered) in their invitations. Word about your registry can also be spread by word-of-mouth, meaning that you are allowed to tell people. Parents and wedding party members can answer when they are asked as well.

At how many places can we register? As many as you wish. The national average of registries set up by each couple is two to three separate plans.

Can we register for our honeymoon, or is that considered improper? Yes, you can register for your honeymoon. Several honeymoon registry companies are flourishing right now, giving couples the option to register for affordable shares of their airfare, hotel lodging, cruise fees, Your Wedding Website




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even individual experiences, like a romantic champagne sunset cruise, swimming with dolphins, touring historical estates, horseback riding on the beach, getting massages, and so on. Your guests would then give you the gift of an experience.

Can we register for our home down payment? Registries do exist for the purpose of financial donations, with some specified as home down payment registries and others offering the gift of stocks, bonds, and certificates of deposit to help a couple build a nest egg. While these financial registries are also flourishing, some couples have reported family gripes and raised eyebrows over the propriety of registering for what amounts to cash gifts. If you absolutely cannot ask guests to give you cash for your wedding gifts (and that’s the #1 rule of all wedding etiquette), doesn’t it seem a bit sneaky to set up a financial registry? This system does cause some people concern, so couples usually provide it as an alternative in addition to a traditional department store registry.

Can we register for gift cards? In addition to a selection of chosen items for your registry, yes. It’s considered bad form for you to register only for gift cards, as that’s akin to your asking for cash. Add a selection of gift cards to your registry so that you can purchase any essentials that you do not receive as wedding or shower gifts.

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Can I register if this is not my first wedding? Absolutely. Remember, your registering is not just to make sure you get the gifts you want, it’s to make sure guests know where to go and what to select in order to get you gifts you can use. Guests would rather have you registered than try to guess your style, color schemes in your home, or preferences.

Does my groom come with me to register? My mother says it’s her job. No, it’s not the mother’s job to register with the bride. That’s a holdover from when the bride and her mother traditionally ventured out to choose housewares together. Slowly, over time, and now in the vast majority of cases, the groom has taken on a partnership with the bride when it comes to registering. After all, these gifts will be for his use in your future home too.

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Choosing Your Wedding Party

Part Two: Choosing Your Wedding Party

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5 Selecting and Asking Your Wedding Party Members to Participate Selecting the members of your wedding party might be easy, or it might be more difficult for you. How do you select some friends or family members and not others without hurting anyone’s feelings or starting a war within your family? But let me remind you of a welcome fact here: good etiquette doesn’t only apply to you! The people you ask (or don’t ask) also have standards of gracious behavior to live by. If you don’t ask them to be bridesmaids, correct etiquette for them is to accept your decision, knowing that you didn’t take it lightly. It’s simply your choice. Parents or others who pressure you to select certain people are making a huge etiquette mistake, a grievous one. They’re in the wrong. Gracious behavior on their part is to accept your choices.

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The General Criteria of Who Gets Chosen 0 People who are currently close to you 0 People you know you can depend on 0 People who will be comforting to you when you need it 0 People you know will be in your life for a very long time 0 People for whom serving in your wedding party will not be a burden It’s a common sense move to select people who can fulfill their roles in your wedding party. This isn’t electing a homecoming court, it’s choosing people who have jobs to do. So be considerate about your friends’ and relatives’ available time, financial situations, whether they’re studying for important work boards, moving cross-country, or caring for an ill relative. By no means am I suggesting that if your friend is having a cash crunch, she should be booted from your bridal party. This isn’t a deciding factor. Just be mindful that your choices might need extra understanding, patience, and maybe even a little financial help so that they can fully be there for you without feeling pressured.

Selecting Your Top Spots Choosing your Maid of Honor and your Best Man has taken on a whole new, wonderful freedom these days. No longer do you have to choose just one, as was standard custom in the past. Now you can have: 0 A Maid of Honor and a Matron of Honor

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0 Two Maids or Matrons of Honor 0 Three, if you don’t want to choose between sisters and a friend 0 Two Best Men 0 Your Mother as your Matron of Honor, a common new trend 0 Your Father as your Best Man, another common new trend 0 Your young daughter as your Best Girl, in place of the Maid of Honor 0 Your young son as your Best Man or Best Boy 0 And yes, you can switch the genders, as is quite commonplace today. You, the bride, can have a man as your top honor attendant. He would be called the Man of Honor or Gentleman of Honor. And the groom can have a female as his top attendant, called the Best Lady.

Old standards of who’s “proper” to choose are out the window. What matters primarily is that the people you choose for these “top spots” are dear to your heart, and that they’re reliable enough to handle the elevated roles as members of your wedding. (See Chapter 6 for their job descriptions.)

Extending the Invitation How you ask is as important as the asking itself. In person, face-to-face invitations are always the best choice, so that you can hug and celebrate together. If distance is a factor, then a phone call is the second best choice. 32




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Cyber-Asking? It’s not horrifically offensive to ask someone to be in your wedding party through an email or Instant Message, but it’s not the method of choice these days. Many brides find it impersonal, and many bridesmaids do raise an eyebrow. Email is great for some things with your wedding, but not for this. Make the call instead.

The Best Wording Always ask, don’t tell. “I’ve selected you to be a bridesmaid” makes you sound somewhat arrogant. Instead, share the great news with a more proper “Would you like to be my bridesmaid? I’d love it if you said yes!” That shows respect for the other person, and makes you sound far more gracious.

If Someone Says No You may be shocked at a friend’s polite rejection of your offer, but keep your cool. That person has a right to turn down your invitation, and it’s quite gracious of her or him to admit an inability to meet wedding party requirements or financial obligations. Your keys to good etiquette in this situation are: 0 Don’t take it personally. This person has good reasons, that may have been hard to admit, to turn down an esteemed position in your wedding party. 0 If he or she doesn’t offer a full explanation, don’t press her for one. Obviously, they have something going on that they’re not ready to talk about. Selecting Your Wedding Party Members




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0 Don’t try to talk him or her into it. It’s good manners on your part to accept their choice, just as you appreciate others for honoring your choices when they don’t agree with you.

Can You Offer to Pay If Money Is the Issue? Some people can get offended by your well-meaning offer of, “Well, if it’s money you’re worried about, don’t worry! I’ll pay for everything.” Tread lightly here. Read the person well. And word your offer within a statement of acceptance, as in “I understand completely. Don’t worry about it. Just know that, if you’d like, I’ll be willing to take care of buying your gown.” You’ve offered a concrete form of help, you’ve left it up to her to decide, and you’ve been gracious in accepting her decision. What happens next is up to her. She might accept your offer, and—feeling better—gladly agree to be in the bridal party. Or, she could hold true to her decision. Whatever her choice, you respect it.

0 Offer him or her another honored role in the wedding, like performing a reading during the ceremony. 0 Don’t gossip about why he or she rejected your offer. Even if friends ask for details. They don’t need to know that they’re cash-strapped or overwhelmed with family problems. Just be vague with the others, and be a good friend. The details stay between the two of you.

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Etiquette Tips for the “Working Together” Process You’ll be in contact with your wedding party often. After all, there are a lot of decisions to make, group planning efforts, lots of tasks on your “to do” list. 0 Schedule planning meetings and phone calls as appointments, giving your wedding party members advance notice and taking their time into consideration rather than expecting them to be available when it’s good for you. 0 When you do call them, ask them first “Is this is a good time to talk, or would you like to set a time for me to call you later?” 0 Never call them at work. 0 Avoid emailing them at work and expecting them to put your wedding questions and requests before their livelihood. 0 Be judicious about which emails you mark as “Urgent.” Be clear about what’s an emergency. 0 Delegate tasks wisely to people you trust, and then avoid micromanaging them. 0 If deadlines are approaching and the person in charge of a task hasn’t come through yet, it’s wise for you to send a polite email or make a polite call asking for an update or status check. 0 Understand that people may not return your calls right away. Especially if you’re the type to get right on things, you may need to practice more patience with others and not panic. 0 Remember to treat your wedding party as people, not just as cocreators of your wedding. Make social plans as well as planning plans.

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6 The Roles of Wedding Party Members It will be so much easier for you to work well with your wedding party (and thus avoid many sticky etiquette problems along the way) when you’ve clearly informed them of the duties you expect them to fulfill. Make copies of these lists and hand them out to your wedding party members, if you wish, with a considerate note such as, “I just thought I’d make things easier by outlining what’s going to be coming up along the way…”

The Wrong Way to Say It Notice that the above message connotes that you’re making things easier on them. It’s unwise for you to imply it any other way, such as the following etiquette mistake versions: 0 “Here is what’s expected of you as a member of my wedding party.” Sure, that’s factually correct, but it makes you sound like a boss or a general. That’s a bad foot to start off on. 0 “Here are your roles and responsibilities.” Again, factually correct, but this missive has an air of arrogance on your behalf.

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0 “I hope you understand what your responsibilities will be.” Ouch! Now you’ve just insulted their intelligence. Be conscious of how you word your messages at the outset of the planning stages. Your goal with great etiquette is always to be considerate of others and to be a leader who counts her partners as equals, not underlings.

Maid or Matron of Honor 0 Attend all pre-wedding parties 0 Help the bride select her wedding gown, veil, and accessories 0 Help the bride select the bridesmaids’ dresses, shoes, and accessories 0 Organize the bridesmaids’ dress shopping 0 Organize the ordering and payment for the bridesmaids’ dresses, shoes, and accessories 0 Pay for her own wedding wardrobe 0 Arrange for her own travel and lodging for the wedding weekend 0 Assist bridal party members with their travel and lodging plans 0 Organize the bridal shower 0 Organize the group gifts to the bride and groom for the shower and wedding 0 Host the bridal shower, and attend to the bride during the party (such as keeping track of who gave which gift, making the “bow bouquet,” etc.) 0 Emotionally support the bride during the planning process 0 Volunteer to help with any wedding planning The Roles of Wedding Party Members




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tasks (such as assembling wedding invitations or making favors) 0 Organize or attend the bachelorette party 0 Attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner 0 Attend the wedding morning salon visit 0 Help the bride into her wedding gown and veil on the morning of the wedding 0 Pose for pre-wedding pictures 0 Arrange the bride’s train and veil before the processional 0 Walk in the processional 0 Hold the groom’s ring during the ceremony, handing it over at the appropriate time 0 Hold the bride’s flowers during the ceremony for the ring exchange 0 Arrange the bride’s train during her movements during the ceremony (such as turning around for the recessional) 0 Witness the signing of the marriage certificate 0 Stand in the receiving line 0 “Touch up” the bride’s veil or makeup for postwedding photos 0 Propose a toast at the reception (optional) 0 Help the bride with any needs during the reception 0 Help the bride change into her “going away” outfit after the reception 0 Help send the bride and groom off in style after the reception (such as decorating the getaway car) 0 Help transport the bride and groom’s wedding 38




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gifts to their home 0 Attend post-wedding events, such as the afterparty or the morning-after breakfast 0 Help with any post-wedding tasks, such as returning rented items, watching the couple’s home, etc.

Bridesmaids 0 Attend all pre-wedding parties, or as many as possible 0 Help the bride select her wedding gown, veil, and accessories (if asked) 0 Help the bride select the bridesmaids’ dresses, shoes, and accessories 0 Attend the bridesmaids’ dress shopping excursions, or… 0 Send in size card for long-distance dress ordering 0 Fulfill ordering and payment for the bridesmaid’s dress, shoes, and accessories 0 Arrange for her own travel and lodging for the wedding weekend 0 Help to plan and host the bridal shower, and attend to the bride during the party (such as keeping track of who gave which gift, making the “bow bouquet,” etc.) 0 Emotionally support the bride during the planning process 0 Volunteer to help with any wedding planning tasks (such as assembling wedding invitations or making favors) 0 Organize or attend the bachelorette party The Roles of Wedding Party Members




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0 Attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner 0 Attend the wedding morning salon visit 0 Pose for pre-wedding pictures 0 Walk in the processional 0 Stand in the receiving line 0 Help the bride with any needs during the reception 0 Participate in reception events, such as special dances, the bouquet toss, etc. 0 Help send the bride and groom off in style after the reception (such as helping to decorate the getaway car) 0 Help transport the bride and groom’s wedding gifts to their home 0 Attend post-wedding events, such as the afterparty or the morning-after breakfast 0 Help with any post-wedding tasks as asked, such as returning rented items, watching the couple’s home, etc.

Junior Bridesmaid 0 Attend all pre-wedding parties, if possible, or those she’s able to attend 0 Attend dress shopping excursions with the bride 0 Fulfill ordering and payment for the junior bridesmaid’s dress, shoes, and accessories (parents may fulfill this obligation) 0 Participate in any group gifts to the bride and groom for the shower and wedding (optional) 0 Help plan or attend the bridal shower 40




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0 Volunteer to help with any wedding planning tasks (such as assembling wedding invitations or making favors) 0 Attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner 0 Attend the wedding morning salon visit (if invited) 0 Dress for the wedding 0 Pose for pre-wedding pictures 0 Walk in the processional 0 Stand for the ceremony and perhaps participate if asked 0 Walk in the recessional as instructed 0 Stand in the receiving line 0 Pose for post-ceremony pictures 0 Attend the reception, participating in special dances as requested 0 Attend post-wedding events, such as the afterparty or the morning-after breakfast

Flower Girl 0 May attend pre-wedding parties 0 Attend dress-shopping excursion; parents pay for her dress, shoes, and accessories 0 Attend the bridal shower, and give a gift 0 Attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, along with her parents 0 Give a wedding gift to the couple 0 Arrive on time to dress for the wedding; may attend bridal visit to beauty salon for hairstyle 0 Pose for pre-wedding pictures The Roles of Wedding Party Members




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0 Walk in the processional, scattering rose petals from a basket ahead of the bride’s path 0 Stand or sit in prescribed place for the ceremony 0 Walk in the recessional with the ringbearer 0 May stand in the receiving line, if asked 0 Pose for post-wedding pictures 0 Attend the reception 0 Attend morning-after wedding breakfast

The Best Man 0 Plan or attend pre-wedding parties in the couple’s honor 0 Help the groom to select the men’s wedding day wardrobe, if asked 0 Organize the men’s tuxedo shopping trip, or… 0 Collect size cards from groomsmen 0 Organize payment from groomsmen for tuxedo rentals 0 Pay for own tuxedo rental 0 Attend any coed bridal showers 0 Provide assistance and support to the groom during the planning stages 0 Organize a group shower gift, or give an individual gift to the couple 0 Organize and attend the bachelor party 0 Attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner 0 Arrive on time the morning of the wedding and help the groom get dressed 0 Be dressed on time, and pose for pre-wedding pictures 42




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0 Hold onto the bride’s wedding ring, and be prepared to hand it over during the ceremony 0 Wait with the groom for the start of the ceremony, or participate in the processional as asked 0 Stand in line during the ceremony and participate in the ceremony as requested, such as handing over the bride’s wedding ring 0 Participate in the recessional 0 Witness the signing of the marriage certificate 0 Stand in the receiving line, if asked 0 Pose for post-wedding pictures 0 Propose the first toast to the couple at the reception 0 Participate in special dances and events at the reception 0 See the couple off for their post-reception getaway (including taking the groom’s tuxedo for next-day rental return, when he changes into his “going away” suit). 0 If necessary, provide a safe ride for the couple to their hotel or airport, or help decorate their getaway car. 0 Help transport the couple’s wedding gifts to their home or other safe place 0 Attend any post-wedding parties 0 Attend the morning-after wedding breakfast 0 Help with post-wedding tasks, such as returning rental items or cleaning up 0 Organize the timely return of the men’s tuxedos and other rented items The Roles of Wedding Party Members




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0 Help out with any tasks while the couple is honeymooning, such as house- or pet-sitting

Ushers and Groomsmen 0 Plan or attend pre-wedding parties in the couple’s honor 0 Help the groom to select the men’s wedding day wardrobe, if asked 0 Attend the men’s tuxedo shopping trip, or… 0 Send in a size card for tuxedo rental 0 Pay for own tuxedo rental 0 Attend any coed bridal showers 0 Organize a group shower gift, or give an individual gift to the couple 0 Provide assistance and support to the groom during the planning stages 0 Organize and attend the bachelor party, if applicable 0 Attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner 0 Arrive on time the morning of the wedding 0 Pose for pre-wedding pictures 0 Escort guests to their seats 0 Escort honored guests (such as the mothers of the bride and groom) to their seats 0 Wait with the groom for the start of the ceremony, or participate in the processional as asked 0 Stand in line during the ceremony and participate in the ceremony as requested 0 Participate in the recessional 0 Stand in the receiving line, if asked 44




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0 Pose for post-wedding pictures 0 Participate in special dances and events at the reception 0 Attend to the couple’s, parents’, and guests’ needs during the reception 0 See the couple off for their getaway 0 Help transport the couple’s wedding gifts to their home or other safe place 0 Attend any post-wedding parties 0 Attend the morning-after wedding breakfast 0 Help with post-wedding tasks, such as returning rental items or cleaning up 0 Help organize the timely return of the men’s tuxedos and other rented items 0 Help out with any tasks while the couple is honeymooning, such as house- or pet-sitting

Head Usher You may choose to designate a “head usher” within your group of ushers. This “second in command” next to the Best Man is the usher who has been instructed about where honored guests are to be seated, and is in command of the seating process. If you are the head usher, it’s your responsibility to oversee that the other ushers are doing their jobs well.

Ringbearers 0 Attend pre-wedding parties as invited, and give a gift to the bride and groom 0 Attend shopping trip to select and purchase wedding day outfit (The child’s parents pay The Roles of Wedding Party Members




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for the outfit and shoes.) 0 Attend the rehearsal 0 Attend the rehearsal dinner along with parents 0 Give a wedding gift to the couple, along with parents or as a part of a wedding party group gift 0 Arrive on time the morning of the wedding, dressed in wedding day attire 0 Pose for pre-wedding pictures 0 Participate in the processional, carrying the pillow to which the wedding rings (or faux wedding rings) are attached. (Note: if the bride and groom don’t wish to have their valuable wedding rings carried by the child, it’s a common practice to affix fake rings to the ringbearer’s pillow, and then have him flip the pillow upside down when he reaches the altar or end of the aisle.) 0 Stand or sit for the ceremony 0 Participate in the recessional, walking with the flower girls 0 Stand in the receiving line, if asked 0 Pose for post-wedding pictures 0 Attend the reception 0 Participate in special dances or reception activities as asked 0 Attend the morning-after breakfast with parents (optional)

The Roles of the Bride’s “Man of Honor” The responsibilities are often very similar to a Maid or Matron of Honor with regard to helping the bride 46




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with the wedding plans, providing emotional support, organizing the wedding party, gift selection, and planning events in the bride’s or the couple’s honor.

What Is a Train Bearer? You may have seen this at royal weddings and other ultra-formal weddings: the “train bearers” are young male or female wedding party members whose responsibility is to lift and hold onto the end of the bride’s dramatically-long train as she walks down the aisle. At less formal weddings than those, the bride’s train flows behind her unattended as she walks, and the Maid or Matron of Honor lifts and arranges it to allow the bride a graceful turn or picture poses.

Dear Sharon: I am the bride, and I would like to have my brothers stand on my side of the wedding party, rather than on my groom’s side as ushers. Since it’s okay to have a male “Maid of Honor” of sorts, is it also okay to have male attendants for the bride? Yes, it’s perfectly fine. They would be called “Male Attendants” if you wish to name them separately on your wedding program, or all of your male and female attendants would be listed by full name under the classification of “Bride’s Attendants.” On the groom’s side, any female attendants he wishes to include in his lineup would be the “Groom’s Attendants.” It is not a common practice for these female members of the groom’s wedding party group to escort guests to their seats. In such a case, all of the male members of the wedding party are still expected to seat the guests.

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Where the job diverges, though, is in the duo’s own preferences: the Man of Honor usually prefers to skip arranging the bride’s train. A bridesmaid often steps in for that task. The Man of Honor most often prefers not holding the bride’s bouquet during the wedding ring exchange. Again, this task can fall to the bridesmaid standing next to him. He will still sign the marriage certificate as the main witness, but he’s not usually the one to zip up the bride’s gown. Gender roles do come into play, with the bride and her male attendant discussing their own arrangements for each responsibility. Often, coed bridal showers are planned when the bridal party is a wonderful blend of gender roles.

The Roles of the Groom’s “Best Woman” Again, the roles are pretty much the same as the traditional Best Man, with a few key exceptions, such as helping the groom to get dressed and planning the bachelor party. Most Best Women either skip the tawdry male ritual, or a coed celebration is planned by the group (and by “coed,” I mean one mixed bachelor’s/bachelorette’s party for the couple and their closest friends and wedding party.) The Best Woman does assume the traditional role of proposing the first toast at the reception, followed soon after by the Maid/Matron of Honor’s toast…or the “Man of Honor’s” toast. Even with this relatively new etiquette twist in gender choices for top honor attendants, those old rules still remain untouched. 48




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7 Removing a Wedding Party Member If a member of your wedding party is not fulfilling his or her obligations, such as not returning your calls, not showing up for planning meetings or shopping trips, complaining excessively, and generally causing you unnecessary headaches to the point where he or she is ruining your wedding experience—all hideous failures of etiquette on his or her part, by the way—you may be faced with the decision to remove that offending person from your wedding party. Remember, there is no magic formula for ensuring others’ respectful behavior. You’ll have done your best to figure out the problem and find a solution before you’ll have to take drastic action. But if nothing has worked, this is the step you must take to honor yourself and your wedding planning process.

The Firing Process 0 If possible, meet with this person face-to-face for a serious talk.

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0 The next best option is a phone call. Never “fire” a wedding party member through an email unless you have absolutely no other way to contact him or her. 0 Respectful wording to use: “This hasn’t been an easy decision for me, because I do value our relationship. But since we can’t seem to find a solution, I think it’s best if you step out of the wedding party.” 0 Or, “I don’t feel like your heart is in this, and I’ve given this a lot of thought. I’m going to have to ask you to step out of the wedding party.” 0 Some brides in this difficult position tell me that their difficult bridesmaid was actually relieved to be “removed.” They talked openly, and the relationship remained unscathed. And others, as expected, say the friendship was never the same again. Some say the friendship ended right there. It’s a sad situation, but unfortunately a common one.

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Your Planning Team

Part Three: Your Planning Team

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8 Inviting Parents and Others to Help Plan the Wedding Where do you stand in this new, personalized etiquette category? What’s most realistic for your situation? 0 Following the traditional model, where the bride’s and groom’s family assume the usual responsibilities? 0 Both sides of the family join together as team planning partners, with tasks assigned according to your preference? 0 The groom’s family taking on a major planning role, with the bride’s family assuming select honored tasks according to their financial ability? 0 The bride and groom plan and pay for their own wedding with minimal parental involvement? All are completely acceptable arrangements today. Some couples have told me that their well-off grandparents contributed significant sums of money and their planning help to give the wedding of the couple’s dreams.

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Deciding on Their Level of Involvement Just how involved would you like your parents to be? It’s very important to establish that right now. A major etiquette minefield awaits any couple who does not convey exactly the level of involvement parents will have. What does their taking on a task mean to you? That they will ask for your preferences and then book a wedding expert on their own? That they’ll work with you on choosing invitation samples, you make the decision, and they’ll pay? Or that they’ll give you a great big check and you’ll make all the choices and bookings yourself? Leave no assumptions on the table. Make it clear exactly how you’d prefer to handle each of the categories they are very generously offering to cover for you.

How to Invite Them onto Your “Team” Parents expect to be included. But they love being asked, not told. Here are the most etiquette-appropriate ways to invite them (while staying true to your vision and control over your wedding plans): 0 “We’re so excited about our wedding, and we’d like to ask you to be a part of the planning process with us.” 0 “At first we thought about planning the wedding on our own, but we just couldn’t imagine missing out on the chance to share all the excitement with you. Would you like to join us in putting the wedding together?” Inviting Parents and Others to Help Plan




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If it comes as a surprise to your parents that you’ve decided to group-plan together with the groom’s parents, or if you’re taking care of the majority of planning on your own (and wish to assign only certain tasks to your parents), you can calm their hurt feelings with the following: 0 “I know this arrangement is different than you expected it to be. But we’re really excited about planning the wedding with all of our parents, as a team.” Whatever the degree of your parents’ official involvement in the wedding plans, it’s always a gracious move to ask for their input on various tasks. Assure them now that you plan to do so. That could help them adjust their expectations and make the process much smoother.

Stepparent Involvement If you have a close relationship with a stepparent then he or she should be included as a parent in your planning process. If you’re merely cordial, then you will include that person respectfully by inviting him or her to parties, but save the closer planning partnerships with your parents.

What If the Person Is a Parent’s Significant Other? You’re under no obligation to list a parent’s significant other or fiancé(e) in printed materials for your wedding such as your invitations. These official 54




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printed announcements are the domain of your parents and their spouses only. But it’s proper etiquette— whether it’s a new or long-term relationship—to invite these partners to wedding events by name, never as “And Guest.”

Under no circumstances are stepparents to be left out of events or not listed in wedding programs, announcements, or invitations.

Stepsiblings Again, you may be close with them or merely cordial. If they are not in your wedding party, then find some position of involvement for them. And as with your stepparents, they should be invited to all wedding celebrations.

Long-Distance Parent Involvement In our global society, it’s quite common for the bride and groom to live in a different city or state than their parents…and for both sets of parents to live in different cities or states (or countries) from each other. So you could find yourselves in a situation where you’re working “together” from a distance. Make a concerted effort to share images, links, and updates via email. Know that couples and their families who live in the same city use the Internet and their email systems to plan the wedding when it’s simply their busy schedules that keep them apart. So distance is no barrier. Inviting Parents and Others to Help Plan




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Here are the key etiquette tips for your longdistance benevolence: 0 Don’t depend just on your personal wedding website, figuring that parents know it’s there and can check it for updates. It’s always best to send updates to them via personal emails. 0 Don’t be all business. Yes, parents are helping you plan your wedding, but they are more than just facilitators to that end. Always remember to add off-topic messages, such as asking them how their weekend away was, telling them about a great movie you saw and recommend to them, or asking their opinion on current events. 0 Return their emails within a reasonable amount of time, with more than just the one-word answers you often use with your friends. Write it as a business message, with full respect for the recipient. 0 No chain letters. Please. As efficient as email can be, don’t fall into the trap of using that as your only means of communication with parents. Remember that it’s a gift to them and to you when you can hear the excitement in each other’s voices. Email “flattens” messages and takes a little bit of the pre-wedding enthusiasm out of your communications. And again, make a call for off wedding-topic reasons once in a while.

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9 Parents’ Roles and Responsibilities: A New World of Etiquette Rules What remains universal for parents, regardless of their planning team status, are the following roles and responsibilities: 0 Hosting pre-wedding celebrations. While this is not a must, it is certainly within the scope of parents’ roles. Beyond hosting, parents ought to attend pre-wedding parties when they are geographically able. 0 Not hosting bridal showers. Still, it’s considered poor etiquette. Parents attend showers, not serve as hosts. 0 Sending in their guest list for the wedding. And trimming their guest lists as requested by the bride and groom. 0 Helping to arrange travel and lodging for wedding guests, including their own personallyinvited guests.

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0 Selecting and ordering or renting their wedding day wardrobe, shoes, and accessories. 0 Selecting shower and wedding gifts for the bride and groom. 0 Serving as a source of wisdom on family, cultural, or religious traditions, as well as family diplomacy (as in informing the bride and groom about a cousin’s spouse’s name or a family friend’s children’s names for the invitation list). 0 Planning wedding weekend events, which parents may host. 0 Planning and hosting the rehearsal dinner, if applicable. Attendance at the rehearsal and dinner is mandatory. 0 Learning their roles for the wedding ceremony, such as escorting the bride or lighting the unity candle. 0 Participating in the ceremony and the receiving line. 0 Posing for pictures. 0 Proposing a toast at the reception. 0 Dancing with the bride or groom. 0 Fulfilling last minute obligations at the close of the reception, such as tipping staff and helping to transport the couple’s wedding gifts to their home. 0 Hosting an after-party or gathering after the reception, at their discretion. 0 Hosting a morning-after breakfast, at their discretion. 58




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0 Taking care of the bride and groom’s needs while the couple is away on their honeymoon, such as house- or pet-sitting, returning wedding rentals, and so on. Of course, there’s more to parental wedding roles than these top examples. Your culture, your religion, even the region of the country where you live, may dictate additional roles and responsibilities of parents and stepparents. How does this fit into etiquette? It’s important for parents to embrace all of their roles in addition to those requiring any financial investment. Doing so balances their experience, reminding them that beyond any wedding plans is their role and responsibility as parents.

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Money Issues

Part Four: Money Issues

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10 Talking Money to Set a Budget When it comes to money, it’s easy to say the wrong thing—or use the wrong tone—and unintentionally offend a parent who is generously contributing to your wedding fund. While they too have rules of decorum for discussing money (and a responsibility to discuss with you any problems they have with the arrangement), your best move etiquette-wise is to start off on the right foot with a Money Summit.

The Money Summit When world leaders sit down at a table to diplomatically negotiate solutions to potential conflicts, it’s called a summit. That’s what you have here. You’re diplomatically negotiating arrangements to avoid potential conflicts in the future. So begin with respect, with an opening statement of gratitude for your parents’ help. (If you’re planning and paying for your wedding, your money summit will begin with the same level of respect, the same open communication you’d offer your parents, the same equal footing.)

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Here are the top etiquette tips for the initial Money Summit: 0 Invite all parents to attend this meeting in person. Take them out to dinner, or host them for dinner at your place before you start talking about money. 0 You’ll open the summit with your thanks, and working much as you would with a project team at your office, present your initial vision for the “project.” As the bride and groom, no matter what percentage of the wedding you’re paying for, your wishes should be made clear right now. 0 Come to the table with your own wishes defined. While no details have yet been set, you’ll share with your parents your wishes for the size, style, and type of location you have in mind. You’ll talk about formality (as in, ultra-formal or informal), giving your parents more of a clear picture so that you’re all on the same page. 0 If you do express that you want a large, formal wedding, show that you have taken their financial position into consideration by showing them evidence that you plan to find ways to save them money. Parents highly appreciate your showing consideration for their financial offerings. This move alone is among the best etiquette steps possible. 0 Make it clear that you have thought about the enormity and meaning that their financial help holds for you. Parents appreciate hearing that you do appreciate their offer. Talking Money to Set a Budget




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0 Share some initial ranges of prices in various categories for your wedding. Parents might not have entered the world of special event planning for years. It could come as a shock to some parents that price-per-plate charges at catering halls in your area range from $65 to $150. So many couples tell me that their parents think it’s 1954 and that catering prices are $25 to $30 a head. Clear any misconceptions so that parents know the scope of what they’re offering to pay for. 0 Show that you’ve done some comparison shopping already. For instance, “The Woodland Ballroom charges an average of $175 per person and we also found that the Brice Country Club offers the same type of formal ballroom setting, plus an outdoor terrace we can use, for $95 per person. We still have a lot of research to do, but thought we’d share a few specifics with you.” Again, respect for parents’ contributions and also proof that you’re taking comparison shopping seriously. 0 Plan your wedding for the amount of money that your parents (and you) can contribute, not the other way around. While you’ll start off with price ranges and your choice of wedding style and location, the deciding factor for the actual details will always be what parents offer to contribute. Planning out details and handing parents an itemized bill with a sniff and an air of expectation is the worst form of rudeness. 64




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0 Have an organized checklist to show parents all of the categories in your wedding budget. Again, parents might not be aware that there are so many categories in wedding plans. Things like the photographer’s assistant, bar fees, the officiant’s fee, and other unexpected items should never come as a surprise to a parent who offers to pay for any category.

Fixed or Flexible So much of wedding planning is subjective. You could spend $100 for your wedding flowers or $1000…or more. Help your parents out by providing a list of fixed expenses first. The officiant’s fee, you know, is going to be $100. The ceremony site fee is $150. The wedding license is going to be $65. Parents like to know that some things are easily planned, and starting with assigning these gives parents a secure piece of information before getting into the many wide-ranging choices in your wedding plans.

0 When your parents are generously contributing to your wedding, you must be willing to compromise on some of your wedding plans. It’s fair and proper to allow them some of their preferences, so plan ahead to select the areas of the wedding in which you’re willing to compromise…and which you truly are not willing to compromise. 0 If you’re considering hiring a wedding coordinator to help plan the wedding, and help Talking Money to Set a Budget




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find you discounts along the way, bring up this possibility now.

When One Family Has More Money to Contribute Than the Other If one family is in a higher income bracket than the other, it can be a challenge to create an “even playing field.” You can save the day (and some egos) by suggesting a diplomatic money arrangement based on discretion: 0 Suggest that parents contribute their desired cash amount to you, which you will pool together and use to plan your wedding. Some couples set up a bank account in which they’ll deposit this money for use only on the wedding plans. Their deposit amounts are known only to you. After you tally the generous contributions, including your own, you can then further research your wedding plans, create your priority lists, and then approach parents with the sections they may plan. 0 If you don’t favor the pooled money approach, or if parents would rather pay as they go, you can itemize your wedding planning list to hand parents the areas of the wedding you’d like their input in. 0 In the case of one family having less money to contribute, it’s a wise idea to let them select their wished-for wedding categories (like the flowers or the cake) according to what they’re most comfortable taking on. 66




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0 Offer your collection of budget-saving advice, such as a book on money-saving tips, to both families, not just the one in the lower income bracket. What you do for one family, you’ll do for the other. Both will appreciate you helping them find savings.

When Parents Act Badly over Money “I’m paying for it, so I get to say how it will be!” Yes, some parents do resort to the trumpet call of the power play, and you’re left with an etiquette problem on your hands. I know, you didn’t start it. That’s bad etiquette on the parent’s part, but now your next move needs to be a careful one. You can contain the damage by choosing not to react emotionally. Take some time to calm down. When both parties are calm, you’ll politely talk to your parent about how this particular request (and call it a “request” as a subtle reminder of your respectful partnership) does not fit with your wedding vision. “How can we compromise here?” is the best approach when you’re head-to-head with a stubborn parent. If you can’t come to an agreement right on the spot, then tell the parent you’d like to take some time to think up possible solutions, and you’d like the parent to do the same. Once emotion leaves the equation, and time allows the parent to reflect on just how awfully he or she spoke to you, you can then approach the parent pleasantly to discuss possible arrangements. Talking Money to Set a Budget




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When it’s two families clashing over money, then it’s time for another summit where you’ll remind all parties of your wedding wishes and the larger issue: that you’re getting married. Follow with the same respectful request for compromises.

Tipping Throughout your wedding planning process, you’ll deal with many helpful professionals who are invested in creating the wedding you desire. As the gracious bride and groom, you’ll tip them well. 0 Remember, first, that some of your wedding experts’ contracts have gratuities built-in. You’re already paying them 15 percent to 18 percent (if not more) as a service charge. When you do find that a wedding expert (such as your limousine driver) is already getting a tip from you in the form of your contract payment, then you do not have to tip them again on site, although you can if you wish. 0 In some regions and cultures, you’ll find an unwritten rule that business owners are not to be tipped. If you find that’s the case in your situation, you may show your gratitude by sending the owner a thank-you note, perhaps a letter of recommendation for other brides and grooms to see, and perhaps a small gift such as a box of chocolates. 0 Your guests are never to tip anyone at your wedding or at pre-wedding events. Arrange with 68




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the site staff for you to pre-tip, or tip them all after the event. If bartenders set out tip jars at the reception, you must ask them to take the tip jar off the counter and not accept tips from guests. 0 The same goes for valets. Instruct the valet staff that they are not to accept tips from guests, and that you’ll “take care of them later.” 0 And the same goes for restroom attendants. Ask them to remove the tip platter or tip jar. You’ll be sure to pay them later.

The Going Rates for Tips You know to tip those who help you, but you might be wondering how much to tip them. While of course you can choose to tip generously for above-and-beyond treatment you receive, here are the standards to use:

For the Ceremony 0 Officiants: $50 to $100 tip is expected as a “donation” 0 Ceremony site staff: $20 to $30 0 Organists and ceremony musicians: $20 to $50, depending on length of performance 0 Delivery staff (bringing in wedding flowers and décor): $10 each if just dropping off boxes, $20 to $40 each if dropping off and setting up to a great extent 0 Cleanup crew: $20 each

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For All Celebrations—Rehearsal Dinner, Reception, After-Party, and Onward 0 Waiters: $20 to $30 each, depending on quality of service and length of event 0 Bartenders: 15 percent of liquor bill 0 Entertainers: $20 to $30 each 0 Site manager: 15 percent of bill for entire event 0 Coat check: $1 per coat 0 Valets: $1 per car 0 Restroom attendants: $20 each 0 Delivery workers: $20 if just dropping off rental items, $20 to $40 each if setting up to a great extent 0 Cleanup crew: $20 to $30 each, depending on scope of cleanup job

In General 0 Wedding coordinator: 10 percent to 20 percent of event bill, depending on terms of contract 0 Limousine drivers: 15 percent to 20 percent of contract amount (remembering that some companies add an automatic 18 percent to 20 percent for included gratuities) 0 Tent assemblers: $20 each, more if it’s a complicated job 0 Beauticians, barbers, and spa experts: 15 percent to 20 percent of bill 0 Babysitters: $30 to $40 each, plus a gift; more if the babysitter is working long hours or caring for several children 70




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0 Room service attendants: 15 percent of room service bill 0 On-site musicians that you didn’t hire, such as a hotel’s pianist who performs at a morningafter brunch for your group’s enjoyment: $20 to $40 0 All wait staff and bartenders at any wedding weekend or pre-wedding event: 15 percent to 20 percent of your group’s bill 0 Cab fares: You’ll cover any guests’ needed cab rides home from the event, including a tip for the driver

Presentation of Tips With the exception of the wedding coordinator or the site manager, whose tips may be quite large, tips are paid in cash. You’ll place the correct amount for each in an envelope and mark the envelope with the recipient’s name. At the wedding, your appointed assistant (Best Man or a parent) will take responsibility for handing out tip envelopes. If a tip is forgotten, you may ask a representative to return to the site the next day to deliver the tip envelope. Never fail to deliver a tip.

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11 The Etiquette of Prenuptial Agreements Prenups are growing more common in today’s society. They’re not as much of a stunner when the topic arises, and today’s older, more established and career-oriented couples who own their own homes, perhaps have kids, or own their own businesses wouldn’t dream of marrying without one. But when one or both partners is wary of the topic, it takes some basic etiquette tips to propose the topic and move through the process:

Bringing It Up 0 Choose a time when your partner is relaxed and comfortable, not at the moment he returns home frazzled from a rough commute or is ready to snap over other life stresses. This conversation is going to require that both of you are at your best. 0 Being direct and honest is always the best way to go, and it’s up to you to choose the degree of directness that best serves you. Some ideas:

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“I’ve been thinking about prenuptial agreements lately, and I’d like to find out how you feel about the topic. After all, we’re both bringing so much to the marriage, and isn’t it just another form of insurance for both of us?” Your egalitarian approach is open, inviting of your partner’s opinion, and you’re showing that you’re looking out for both of you. 0 In contrast, just walking into the room and slapping down the papers you’ve already had your lawyer draw up—thereby avoiding a stressful conversation with your partner—is probably the worst way to approach this. Your partner will feel cornered, like he’s been set up, and he may be stunned at your callousness—which is what it is. 0 Take the stigma out of prenuptial agreements for both of you. Remove the emotional part and talk only about the practical parts. It can then become like talking about your health or car insurance. All business. 0 Break it down into sessions. Your first conversation is about whether and why you’d both like to create a prenup, and coming to a decision about that. Your second and ongoing conversations will be about creating the terms of the agreement. 0 Start talking about this early in the process. Not immediately after you get the engagement ring, of course, but a few weeks or months later. The reason is twofold—it’s unwise to discuss an emoThe Etiquette of Prenuptial Agreements




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tionally loaded topic like this when you’ve grown tired and stressed from the wedding planning process. And secondly, judges tell me they’ve thrown out prenuptial agreements that were drawn up, say, the day before the wedding. The legal system doesn’t tolerate any signs that one partner was coerced by the other to sign a prenup in any fashion of pressure.

The Judge Says “No” They also don’t tolerate prenups that seem grossly unfair, such as one partner agreeing to give nothing to the other partner, or any attempts to control child custody in the future. The legal system does protect you against unfair documents.

0 And of course, get professional legal help in drawing up your documents. Interview attorneys who will explain the various state laws applying to prenups, learn your rights, and you may discover the process is less painful than you expected.

What Will People Think? This concern haunts many a couple who, together, agree fully that they need and want a prenuptial agreement to protect their assets in the future. They have no problem with it. But their families most certainly might. Here are some helpful etiquette tips for this situation: 0 Stay quiet about it. No one needs to know your 74




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personal business, and this is one issue that you should consider sacred between the two of you. 0 If someone asks you about whether or not you’re getting a prenup, you can be vague. “We’re talking about it,” followed by a natural change of subject gently and politely lets the inquiring mind know that it’s none of his business. 0 Think for yourself. Problems arise when partners approach everyone they know for their opinion, to vent about the process, or to ask for legal advice. You’ve then invited everyone else’s baggage, fears, and egos to interfere with your thought process. It’s bad etiquette to advertise private matters within your partnership, as you’d be disrespecting your partner’s privacy as well, and now is an early lesson on that. Discretion always. 0 If family and friends hear about your prenuptial agreement and approach you with hideous etiquette of their own (“What were you thinking, man?”), don’t take the bait. You don’t have to explain anything, and you won’t indulge their need for drama and gossip (which is what’s behind most ambushes launched by very bored people). Simply say, “We’re both happy with what we’ve decided, thanks. Now we’re on to other things.” You’re calm and cool about it, you thank them for their “thoughtfulness,” and you smoothly divert the subject.

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The Deed Is Done 0 After you complete your prenuptial agreement, after all is signed and sealed, put it away and let it fade from your thoughts. Get on with your life together. 0 Never, ever, ever bring up the topic of the prenup as ammunition in an argument. (“Oh yeah? Well at least I trusted you enough not to think about drawing up a prenup!”) A hot temper and a careless comment can erode the start of a marriage. Words do last between partners, so never use a prenup as a way to cut off your partner at the knees.

What Is a Postnuptial Agreement? The postnuptial agreement is the same legal document as a prenup, only you’ve created and signed it after the wedding. Some couples decide, now that the whirlwind of the wedding is over, that they’ve inadvertently forgotten an important issue, such as making sure their estate includes their kids from a previous marriage. There is no malice in this. You just might find out that state law declares your spouse gets everything if you should die, and you’re wise to make a plan for your kids’ protection in the future. Sometimes it’s just a matter of finding out a surprising new legal fact and taking wise steps together to insure protection for all of the people you love.

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Your Guest List

Part Five: Your Guest List

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12 Building Your Guest List Since the size of your guest list determines the kind of wedding you’ll have, where you’ll have it, and just about every other detail beyond the basics (how many invitations you’ll need, your menu, and so on), and since working together with your parents presents etiquette issues to be handled well, let’s start off by defining your wished-for size of wedding so that you can inform parents about parameters: 0 Small: Under 50 guests 0 Medium: 50 to 100 guests 0 Average: 100 to 150 guests (Note: the average guest list size in the country right now is 141 guests) 0 Large: 150 to 200 guests 0 Extra-Large: 200+ guests

Three Lists As you begin the selection of your invited guests, you’ll invite your parents to submit their guest wish lists. Use the term “wish list,” since you will ultimately decide who makes the final cut. Yes, parents who are paying for all or part of the wedding might

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think otherwise, but it’s ultimately your choice of who you want to share your day with. Parents should of course be given the chance to invite some of their closest friends, but as a matter of honor to you, they should never be invited in place of your friends. The bride and groom will have one list of your relatives and friends; the bride’s parents will compile their list; the groom’s parents will compile their list. If you have more than two sets of parents, such as remarried parents, they get a list too. Remind your parents at the start that you wish to share your wedding day only with the people you’re closest to. Make it clear that you expect your guest list to be “worked on” by asking parents to star or underline the people on their list who are absolute must have’s. And you’ll do the same with your list. When parents perceive fairness all the way around, many etiquette problems are avoided.

Keep It Quiet Ask parents, politely, to stay quiet about their guest wish list until you can devise a final guest list for the wedding: “I think it’s best if we don’t share any details about the guest list until we have a final master list. I wouldn’t want to create any misunderstandings.” You’re talking about a major etiquette breach—overeager parents inform everyone on their wish list that they are invited to the wedding before the master guest list is created. Unintentionally or intentionally, they’ve created a huge etiquette problem. The bride and groom would not have chosen Mom’s Bunco partners Building Your Guest List




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for the wedding guest list, but they have now been invited. You cannot uninvite people who would realistically expect to be invited. And a direct invitation from the mother of the bride constitutes just that. Yikes. So avoid this etiquette nightmare by asking your entire team to be discreet about the guest list for right now, and you will do the same.

Parents’ Guest List Etiquette 0 Invite only those friends and family that the bride and groom know. 0 Don’t shift your IOU’s onto your son or daughter. Just because your friends invited you to their daughter’s wedding does not automatically mean that you have to invite them to your children’s wedding. 0 Remember that it’s the bride and groom’s wedding, and keep it foremost in your mind that you’ve had your wedding day with your favorite people. Now it’s their turn. 0 Be a dream partner. Volunteer to cut several of your distant friends so that the bride and groom can add some of their closest friends. 0 Deliver your list to the bride and groom on time, if not early. 0 Help the bride and groom to create a complete guest list, reminding them of first cousins they may have forgotten and thus saving them from etiquette snafus in their invitation process. 0 When you compile lists, cross the duplicate names off of your printed list, not theirs. 80




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0 Voluntarily star or underline names that can be added to the backup list. If the bride and groom receive regrets from expected guests, they can look to their backup list to send out invitations to others they’d like to have at the wedding (but could not include on the master list).

Compiling Your Master List Using everyone’s wish list, you’ll compile one master list in an organized fashion.

“And Guest” Additions 0 Every single guest over the age of eighteen (in some families, the rule is “over sixteen”) is given an “And Guest” indication that he or she may invite a date to the wedding. 0 It is improper not to allow an “And Guest” to single adults as a way to save money or open up spaces to additional guests. 0 Included in the singles list are elderly guests, who should be allowed to bring a date, friend, or assistant. 0 If a single guest responds that she’s bringing a fun friend of hers instead of a date (as you’d intended), you cannot tell her that she only gets an “And Guest” if she brings an actual date. You don’t get to choose who your guests bring as a companion for the event. 0 The officiant must be invited to the reception, along with his or her spouse or partner. Building Your Guest List




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0 The wedding coordinator is counted as a guest, together with an assistant. Wedding coordinators, who are on the job, do not bring dates to weddings. But they do sit down to eat, which makes them part of the final guest count. 0 The same goes for the photographer and his or her assistant. 0 The DJ or band members 0 The videographer and assistant 0 Finally, the members of your wedding party are either invited together with their spouses, fiancé(e)s, or significant others, and single members of your wedding party are each given an “And Guest” as a matter of respect to them. Yes, they’re paired up for the ceremony and the first dance, but it’s an etiquette mistake not to give them an “And Guest” for the reception. They can choose to turn down the offer if they wish.

“Mom, Is Cousin Lena Single Again?” Parents are an invaluable resource when it comes to offering an “And Guest” to the right people. For instance, it would be horrifically rude of you to send an invitation to your Cousin Lena and Guest when Cousin Lena is engaged to Tom. That’s a huge show of ignorance and implied disrespect to Tom. Your parents can check over your “And Guest” list and update you about family and friends’ marital status. 82




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Getting Names Right Be sure you have the correct information for each guest on your list. As well as marital status, you’ll check: 0 The spellings of your guests’ names 0 The correct surnames of guests, such as women who go by hyphenated names 0 Their correct titles, such as Doctor, Lieutenant, Reverend 0 Their spouse’s name (Be current.) 0 Their kids’ names (Be sure you include all children. Parents can help you if a cousin has just had her third baby and you only heard about the first one.) 0 Their new spouse’s name, if they are remarried after being divorced or widowed 0 Their significant other’s name, current and spelled correctly

Inviting Children It’s your choice if you wish to invite children to the reception, and you’ll convey your decision on the wedding invitations by either writing just the parents’ names on the envelope (if their kids are not invited) or writing Mr. and Mrs. (name) and Family on the outer envelope and Mr. and Mrs. (name), Regina, Donald Junior, and Jessica on the inner envelope if the kids are invited. Your decision about whether or not kids are invited to your wedding (which your guests will be wondering) is conveyed right there on the envelope.

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When You Clash with Parents over the Guest List Try these etiquette-friendly comebacks: Parents Say… “But you were their flower girl twenty years ago! We have to invite them!”

You Reply… “I don’t know them at all. I understand how you feel about this, but I’d rather invite friends and family that I’m close with. That couple will understand.” (Be careful not to let your jaw hit the floor. Parents who claim this one have lost sight of the true meaning of the day. Be understanding.)

“But my friends are likely to give you much better gifts than your friends! We have to invite them!”

“It’s not the gifts that matter to us. It’s having our closest friends there with us on the wedding day.”

“But my friends are so much fun! We have to invite them!”

“I know your friends are fun, and it’s great that you all have such a good time together. But I just don’t have room on the guest list for any people who aren’t very close to the two of us.”

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Parents Say… “But they’re FAMILY! We have to invite them!”

You Reply… “I wish we could invite all the cousins, all fifty of them. But it’s just not possible. We’re not close with them. You had to tell me some of their names, after all.” (Give a smile here.) “So I’m sorry, but we’ll have to put them on the backup list.”

The guest list is divided evenly between both sides of the family no matter who is paying. It’s not proper for a paying family to claim they “deserve” more guest spots.

Your Backup List Those names of people who just can’t be included on the master list can go on a backup list, or B-list as many couples call it. 0 Of course, you’ll never let anyone know they’re on your B-list. 0 When response cards come in with regrets, as guests indicate they will not be able to attend the wedding, you can then send out invitations to your backup list guests. 0 Send your invitations out early so that when regrets do come in (hopefully early as well) you’ll be able to mail out invitations to backup list guests without it appearing too obvious. Cut off your B-list sends three weeks before the wedding.

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13 Cutting Your List Down It’s a rare bride and groom who don’t experience challenges when it comes to paring down their guest list. Where do you start?

The Tier System I recommend a “tier system” to help you cut down your guest list in an organized and fair manner. I know it’s impolite to rank guests (and certain scandal if you let guests know where they rank on your list) but this system by guest category really does work. Take that enormous initial guest list of yours and assign each name to a tier: 0 Tier 1 would be the “Absolute Must” invitees, such as your parents and stepparents, grandparents, great-grandparents, siblings and their “And Guests,” godparents, and other topranked relatives…plus the wedding party, their guests, and those participating in the wedding. 0 Tier 2 would be very close relatives, such as all your aunts and uncles, your great-aunts and uncles, first cousins and their dates.

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0 Tier 3 would be your very closest friends and their spouses or dates. 0 Tier 4 would be your boss and closest work colleagues, and their dates 0 Tier 5 would be additional friends, such as circles of work friends and long-term friends you haven’t seen in a while. 0 Tier 6 would be your parents’ friends and colleagues and their spouses or dates. 0 Tier 7 would be very distant relatives you haven’t seen in a while. 0 Tier 8 would be neighbors, friends of your siblings, your friends’ parents with whom you’re close but would only be invited to the wedding if there is room. If you’re asked why someone is not invited to the wedding, you can say, very properly “We wish we could invite everyone, but we just don’t have the space or the budget to invite everyone we would have liked to include. It wasn’t easy for us to arrange our guest list, but we’re very happy that we can have so many of our closest family and friends there with us.”

Sharing the Cutting with Parents It’s quite fair to divide up the number of guests to be cut from each of your individual guest lists. Diplomatically and in good etiquette, you may ask each set of parents to eliminate five names from their list, which you will do as well. It’s a fair system.

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You Have to See These People Every Day! A growing etiquette concern for brides and grooms is whether they can cut out groups of work friends without causing friction in the office. A good rule of thumb is to invite your closest work friends with whom you socialize on a regular basis. These people are very valued friends and your support system at work. If any work friends, close or not-as-close, helped you with your plans for the wedding, you’ll include them on your guest list as well. It would be rude of you not to invite them if they helped you create your wedding website, for instance.

People Understand What you have working for you is others’ maturity and knowledge that you can’t invite everyone you know. The groom’s side may be numerous, and especially in large families of extended relatives, people know that wedding guest lists are controlled by budgets. So if you cannot invite distant relatives or friends, they most likely will understand.

But We Came to Your Engagement Party! If you invited guests to your engagement party, those same guests must be invited to the wedding. No exceptions. The same goes for guests invited to your bridal shower(s).

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Cutting out the Kids It’s a common practice to eliminate guests’ children from your wedding guest list, but you should invite your siblings’ children even if they are not in the wedding party.

The #1 Etiquette Mistake in Cutting Guests from List While it’s not likely that your aunt and uncle who now live in New Zealand will be able to attend your wedding in Florida, you absolutely must invite them to the wedding. Never cut a guest from your list just because you assume they won’t be able to come. It’s hideous etiquette when close relatives hear about your wedding and don’t receive the invitation they expect as a matter of family practice and honor. Sure, your aunt and uncle might not be likely to attend, but honor them with an invitation anyway. They just might hop on a plane to see you. If not, you’re free to invite other guests.

The Package Deal I’ve heard countless requests for advice about a sibling or a friend requesting an extra invitation for the buddy who will be visiting that weekend. How do you say no to this request? Just say that you have had to leave off some of your own friends, so you just can’t create a space for his friend. But you’d be more than happy to allow this visiting buddy to come to a wedding weekend event such as a happy hour for all the singles.

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The mirror image to this dilemma is sending invitations to guests you’re sure won’t come as a matter of family diplomacy only. They just might say yes, so be sure you’ve counted them in your final head count list.

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Ceremony Planning

Part Six: Ceremony Planning

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14 Ceremony Style Etiquette The area that requires the most decorum, besides your wedding invitations (which we’ll cover in Part 9), is your ceremony style. While the elements and expressions within your ceremony are highly important to you, it’s essential that you follow proper etiquette for the type of ceremony you’ll plan. It’s a matter of honor and respect for a house of worship—if you’ll have a religious wedding—or longstanding propriety in a secular ceremony of any type.

Religious Ceremonies When you’ll marry within any house of worship, they will dictate their rules of conduct to you. Some religions are known for being less exacting than others, and it is up to you to take these rules into consideration when you’re deciding where to marry. 0 You may ask for permission to alter the traditional religious ceremony script, such as adding a musical interlude or writing your own vows.

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Your officiant must approve any changes you desire for your ceremony. 0 Never attempt to “go over the officiant’s head” by slipping in new wording to your vows or sneaking some sheet music to the choir. You are a guest in the house of worship and must abide by the rules. 0 Your guests must be educated about the rules of the house as well. Be sure to include instructions in your wedding program, such as notification that flash photography is not allowed inside the house of worship.

Interfaith Ceremonies If the two of you are of different faiths, you might decide to honor both of your belief systems by planning an interfaith wedding. These personally-styled ceremonies intertwine the rituals, readings, and symbolism of your religions. 0 You have two options regarding the officiants who will create the style and substance of your ceremony: hire one interfaith minister or have two separate officiants (one from each of your faiths) work together to conduct your ceremony. Each will then enact the rituals and readings of his or her faith. 0 Note that some houses of worship will not allow you to bring in a separate officiant from another religion. If you find yourself “stuck” in a situation such as this, search for a different Ceremony Style Etiquette




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house of worship that will allow you to bring in a separate officiant and thus style your ceremony the way you wish. 0 If you cannot find a willing house of worship to share officiating duties, or if your faiths are too conflicting by nature to realistically allow for one shared ceremony that expresses both sets of beliefs, it may be best if you plan a secular wedding. You can incorporate the readings and rituals you both cherish in your own styled ceremony led by a secular or non-denominational officiant. 0 If you hire an interfaith minister to cocreate your ceremony style with you, come prepared with your wishes on which elements you’d both like to include in your ceremony. Interfaith and non-denominational ministers tell me they appreciate a couple taking these preparatory steps, as it is their goal to help the couple plan a deeply meaningful and personalized ceremony. Partner with this expert as equals, in a respectful and open working manner. 0 If your interfaith situation just seems too complicated and your faiths do not mesh well, then you might opt to plan a civil ceremony.

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in a house of worship. 0 You may host a secular ceremony anywhere you please, such as in a hotel ballroom, a garden, the beach, your home, and so on. 0 You’ll either hire a licensed independent minister to perform your ceremony, or you’ll find out at your town hall or county courthouse which accredited authorities you may hire to officiate your wedding. Different states have different rules about who may conduct wedding ceremonies legally, so check your state’s laws about having the mayor, a superior court judge, an appellate judge, a member of the town council, or even a friend who has been ordained conduct your ceremony. 0 You are free to set the formality level and style of your ceremony exactly as you wish as long as all of your plans work in tandem with your set formality and theme. 0 Secular officiants can “work” a wedding of any style. Ask your hired minister to show you his or her formal attire (such as robes) or informal attire choices (such as a suit or flowing dress with flowers). You may request that your officiant dress appropriately for the style and formality of your wedding.

Civil Ceremonies 0 A civil ceremony is a quick and simple process, often lasting only minutes. You’ll be married Ceremony Style Etiquette




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at town hall, in the mayor’s office, or at the justice of the peace. 0 You’ll make an appointment for your civil ceremony and speak to the justice of the peace, for instance, about what’s involved in their usual civil ceremony script. He or she may hand you the script, and you are allowed to ask for personalizations to the wording. 0 You will not be allowed to add musical numbers, additional rituals, or other timestretching elements. The code of the civil ceremony is that it is designed to make your marriage legal. Once your license is signed, it’s official. You can then move forward to celebrating your marriage. 0 Décor is usually not allowed at a civil ceremony site. But you could ask for permission. 0 The bride may carry a bouquet if she wishes, and the groom may wear a boutonniere. 0 In the past, it was considered improper for the bride to wear anything other than a business suit for her civil wedding. Now, you might choose to wear a stylish dress, or a suit dress or pantsuit. A formal bridal gown does not match the formality level, so skip the veil and train. 0 The groom wears a suit, not a tuxedo, in most cases. Again, the tuxedo is just too formal for the civil setting. 0 You do need to have two witnesses in attendance to sign your marriage license. The civil officiant signs 96




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as well, and you’ll file your license with the state in the same manner as all other marriages in your state. 0 You may bring additional guests to the civil ceremony, but keep your guest count limited only to close relatives and friends. You cannot march 150 people into the judge’s chambers. 0 You may plan any type of post-ceremony reception you wish, either on the same day or on a future date.

Second Wedding Ceremonies In years past, etiquette handled second weddings delicately. There was a sense that second weddings were to be kept modest. Second-time brides were not allowed to wear white, since that was the color for first-time brides to convey their virginity. Times have changed. All of wedding planning creativity is now the same domain for the second-time bride. 0 Note, though, that the second-time bride may not wear a traditional veil covering her face as a first-time bride would. You may wear a veil and headpiece if you wish, but it should be kept to the back, not covering your face. 0 While you can wear a white gown, you are encouraged to avoid styles that are too reminiscent of a first-time bride. All brides have freedom to choose their gowns in a style and color of their choosing, provided the gowns Ceremony Style Etiquette




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match the formality of the wedding (and fit the rules of the house of worship). 0 The size, style, and formality of the wedding are completely up to you. 0 You’ll find more second-wedding etiquette details in the chapters to follow, such as invitation wording.

Destination Wedding Ceremonies For a destination wedding, you’ll invite a handful of your closest family and friends to an exotic or foreign location where your ceremony will be held. You may plan, with the on-site or your own wedding coordinator’s help, a ceremony in the style of your choosing. You can arrange a traditional religious wedding in a house of worship, or a secular wedding with or without generous helpings of the local culture’s beliefs and rituals. 0 You will adhere, of course, to all legal rules for making your marriage official. 0 You will celebrate with your guests at the destination resort, and then choose the nature of your honeymoon. You can either stay at that same resort or depart for another resort to give yourselves privacy. 0 You may offer to pay for your guests’ airfare and lodging if you wish, but many destination weddings are thrown where guests pay for what amounts to their own family vacations. It’s a gracious offer—and you may find that it costs far 98




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less than a traditional wedding—but it is not mandatory. 0 You will send wedding announcements to all of your friends and family when you return from your honeymoon. 0 You may plan a group celebration with all of your loved ones at a date later in time. 0 You may create a personalized wedding website including links to your bridal registry…and yes, you may register for gifts if you plan to host a group celebration later.

The Double Wedding While it may be rare these days, there are etiquette rules for the double wedding: 0 A double wedding may be shared by two sisters, friends, cousins, even brother-sister pairings (and by that I mean the brother is the groom with his fiancée, and the sister is the bride with her fiancé). 0 The guest list is a shared proposition, with both wedding couples getting half of the guest list to themselves. 0 The brides wear their own choices of bridal gowns, not matching gowns. They will match in formality, though, to be proper fits to their wedding’s style. 0 Each bride arranges for her bridesmaids and Maid of Honor to wear gowns in colors that coordinate, if not matching colors. Usually, each Ceremony Style Etiquette




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bride wants her bridal party to be identified as “hers” so she might choose a lighter color while the other bride chooses a darker shade for her maids. 0 The grooms and men of the wedding party may all wear matching styles and color of tuxedos, or they may differentiate each set with a different color of tie or coordinating color vests (such as black for one set and a stylish black and gray for the other set.) 0 All sets of parents are seated in the front row at the ceremony. 0 When it comes to the processional and the order in which each couple is addressed by the officiant at the ceremony, the usual order is “eldest bride first.” So, the older sister would be first to be escorted down the aisle following her own bridesmaids, and when the second bride makes her way down the aisle following her bridesmaids, it’s the first, eldest bride who is addressed by the officiant during each element of the ceremony. 0 Or, you may arrange to alternate being first. The first bride down the aisle may be the second bride to take her vows, for instance. You’ll create an honorable sense of top importance when the order is alternated. 0 The officiant will perform one ceremony, not two separate ones with the same elements. He or she may, for instance, perform the ceremony 100




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readings and then address each couple separately to repeat their vows. 0 Try to keep the ceremony short. The double nature of the ceremony elements extends the duration of the ceremony, so extra musical performances can be eliminated. 0 When it’s time for the couples to kiss to seal their vows, the officiant performs this element separately so that the photographer can capture each moment for each couple. 0 The couples are then announced as husband and wife, starting with the elder bride and then announcing the younger. 0 The recessional begins with the elder bride and her husband (unless a switch has been arranged for the younger bride to exit first), followed by the other bridal couple, and then both sets of wedding parties paired and exiting together. 0 They may form two separate receiving lines at the exit of the church, or the brides may stand together with their grooms at their sides and parents on either side of them. With such a large entourage, wedding party members may be excused from the lineup, although Maids of Honor and Best Men can still be asked to join. 0 The couples are introduced into the reception hall either together or separately, according to individual preference, and they’ll take turns dancing their first dance in solo spotlights.

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Military Weddings Military etiquette is observed at weddings in which the bride, groom, or both are members of the armed forces. Adhering to military code with regard to uniforms and rank are essential in the nature of military tradition. 0 Any active duty member of the military may have a military wedding, as can military academy attendants if they so choose. 0 The member of the military will wear his or her uniform according to formality standards. That is, you’ll wear your military “dress whites” for an ultra-formal wedding. 0 Look to the codes of your branch of military service for specific guidelines on uniform and decoration. 0 The bride, too, may wish to wear her military uniform or a traditional bridal gown. The latter option is acceptable. It is a matter of choice. 0 Members of the wedding party who are military can wear their formal uniforms, and civilian members will wear suits or tuxedos chosen in a style and color to form a cohesive wedding party look. 0 Parents and guests may wear their military uniforms if they are currently serving in the military. 0 Men in military uniforms do not wear a boutonniere. 0 Women in military uniforms do not accent their wardrobe with flowers or other adornments. 102




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0 A military ceremony may be conducted by a military chaplain or other designated officiant. 0 The ceremony (as well as reception) may have a tribute to the country’s armed forces, a moment of silence for those serving in activeduty, or other patriotic tribute. The officiant, for instance, may include the Marines’ Semper Fi motto in the readings or service, if you wish. 0 The American flag as well as the military code of arms may be displayed on the wedding programs, at the ceremony, and at the reception. 0 At the close of the ceremony, the bride and groom will walk through an arch of drawn swords held by an honor guard in the traditional close of a wedding ceremony for any member of the military. 0 It is a longstanding tradition for the last honor guard member to gently “swat” the bride on the bottom with the flat end of the sword as a welcome to military life. Some couples are now opting to eliminate this step of the tradition. 0 The couple cuts the wedding cake with the groom’s military sword or saber. 0 Ranking officers and commanders (as well as fellow troops) may be in attendance at the ceremony, and they may be thanked by name and by anecdote as a personalized part of the ceremony. 0 Honor is paid to the couple’s military units, and many couples proudly display their unit Ceremony Style Etiquette




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patches and photos of their squadrons or a military portrait of the two of them at the entrance to the ceremony. All options to pay tribute to the honor of service are appropriate. Some couples do hire a military trumpeter to add authentic musical accompaniment to their military wedding. 0 All other wedding etiquette rules stand as applicable to the wedding celebration to follow. See Part 9 for details on the wording of military wedding invitations.

Vow Renewals It is considered appropriate, and is quickly becoming a lovely growing trend, to ask all married parents, siblings, friends, and other guests in attendance to repeat as a group a short reading by the officiant as a symbolic renewing of their own wedding vows. This gracious touch allows all of your loved ones to share in the honor of your day, sealing their own vows with a kiss.

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15 Working with an Officiant The vast majority of engaged couples are now personalizing their wedding ceremonies and working with their officiants of choice—religious or not—to cocreate their ceremonies in ways that reflect their beliefs, wishes, vows, and pledges. This new partnership opens up a list of new etiquette rules for working with officiants: 0 When you decide which house of worship will be the setting of your wedding, or as you seek out potential sites, call to make an appointment to meet with the officiant. You shouldn’t just stop in and expect the officiant to drop everything he or she is doing to lead you on a tour. 0 Make early contact. This is one of the first tasks you should accomplish, as it is of prime importance. Allow plenty of time so that you don’t require a rushed interview process from the officiant. 0 Request their printed wedding ceremony guidelines. Most houses of worship or individual officiants offer their outlines in printed form.

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0 Make an appointment with the officiant to discuss your requests to personalize the ceremony. Avoid calling your officiant in the middle of the business day to discuss your lengthy questions and requests. 0 If the officiant is against your making changes to the ceremony script, be respectful with your requests. Some houses of worship, as a rule, do not allow couples to alter the way they perform ceremonies. If you don’t wish to adhere to their rules, find another house of worship that can meet your needs. Thank the officiant for his or her time, and let them know you’ve decided to go with another option. 0 Address the officiant by his or her official title, such as Father O’Neill, Reverend Smith, or Rabbi Meyers when speaking, and when introducing your officiant to others. Do not address your officiant by his or her first name unless asked to do so. 0 Deliver any essays, questionnaires, or forms on time, so that the officiant can orchestrate your wedding permissions. 0 Allow the officiant to lead the discussions, and save your questions for the end. Defer to his or her leadership when talking about the business of the ceremony. 0 If your wishes are in conflict with what your parents or other family members want, you 106




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may ask your officiant to support you with family counseling. Often your parents will hear the officiant even when you have not been able to get through. 0 Be gracious with the time you request of your officiant. Remember that you’re not the only person he or she is helping right now. 0 Send a thank-you note after particularly helpful meetings, and again after they’ve conducted the ceremony.

Interfaith Ceremonies If your wishes for an interfaith ceremony require that you have two officiants, one from each of your faiths, conducting your wedding in tandem, then keep the following etiquette tips in mind: 0 Schedule meetings at a mutually beneficial time and place for both officiants to meet with you. 0 Rather than instructing them on how you’d like your ceremony to be performed, ask the officiants to explain to you how they usually conduct interfaith ceremonies. Allow them to lead, and then you’ll follow up with your requests. 0 Ask the officiants to help you create a solution when your needs clash with their requirements, or when your families’ requests clash with any of your arrangements. 0 Always be polite and positive, even if you’re sitting across from an officiant who seems to have a “difficult” personality. Working with an Officiant




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0 Be respectful at all times, again addressing your officiants by their proper titles. 0 Schedule any additional counseling sessions you might need with the officiants as appointments. 0 Thank them for their time as they’re leading you, and follow up with a thank-you note or thoughtful gift after the ceremony.

Should You Tip the Officiant? Officiants are not tipped. You may choose to make a donation to the house of worship in addition to paying the officiants’ fees. A heartfelt thank-you note is a gracious offering.

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16 Personalizing Your Ceremony Couples want their ceremonies to reflect their relationship and beliefs, so you too might be thinking about how you can “paint” your ceremony your way. As far as etiquette is concerned with your choices of ceremony elements, here are the most important tips: 0 Make sure the creative angles you take honor your own beliefs and values, while at the same time honoring those of the house of worship where you’ll marry. Make sure your officiant okays any choices you make in advance of your hiring anyone or renting/buying any supplies or props you will need. 0 Always keep the length of your ceremony in mind. Especially if it will be an outdoor wedding, or a hot day in a potentially stifling chapel, keep your own and your guests’ comfort at the top of your consideration list. Any ceremony elements you add should be brief. 0 If length becomes a factor, you can incorporate some of your wished-for ceremony elements (such

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as cultural rituals or your own spiritual rites) into your reception or rehearsal dinner instead. 0 Always be sure that your guests understand the meaning and symbolism of any rites you include. Print up in your wedding program, or on a separate ceremony explanations sheet (printed on lovely graphic paper), the deeper meanings behind your chosen ceremony elements. 0 Take guests’ language barriers into consideration. If a portion of your family doesn’t speak English, you can include them by printing out copies of your wedding program or supplying handouts of your vows in their native tongue. 0 The same goes for the hearing impaired. Ask a friend who is fluent in sign language to stand and sign a translation of your ceremony. Guests rave about such thoughtfulness on your behalf. The fear of parents’ reactions to personalized wedding ceremony plans, or surprise at them, is a focus point for etiquette. You may feel caught between wanting to honor your parents and your family (particularly if they’re helping to plan or pay for the wedding), and holding on to your integrity by planning a ceremony that reflects your beliefs. Etiquette starts in the approach to parents. Informing them with respect, rather than surprising them with your choices (or evading the details until the rehearsal), is the wisest choice. Be sure to include your parents and tell them of traditions you know they favor that you do plan to make a part of your own ritual. 110




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Reception Planning

Part Seven: Reception Planning

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17 A Matter of Style and Formality From ultra-formal to semi-formal to informal and even underwater, the choice is yours, and—this is where etiquette does apply—all of your plans must conform to the formality and style you do select. While this foundational decision impacts everything from your gown (which we’ll cover in Chapter 20) to your invitations (Chapter 22) and onward, we’re focusing on your reception in this section. The key rule of etiquette in reception style and formality is that each must be appropriate for the time of day. We’ll cover today’s acceptable style etiquette timetable now: Type of Reception Brunch Luncheon Tea Cocktail Party Dinner Champagne and Dessert Late Night

Time of Day (Range of Start Times) 11 a.m.–1 p.m. 12 noon–2 p.m. 1 p.m.–4 p.m. 3 p.m.–7 p.m. 5 p.m.–8 p.m. 8 p.m.–10 p.m. 9 p.m.–12 midnight

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Formality Rules Any wedding reception that starts at 8 p.m. or later is automatically going to be formal or ultra-formal, the latter meaning black-tie or white-tie. Choosing the proper formality for other times offers a little bit of wiggle room. For instance: 0 A cocktail party may be formal or semi-formal. 0 A dinner reception earlier than 8 p.m., such as 5 p.m. or 6 p.m., may be formal but not ultra-formal. 0 A new trend called “afternoon formal” runs by the same rules as the dinner hour formalities, but the reception starts at 3 p.m. or 4 p.m., a cocktail hour and sit-down dinner is served, and it’s identical in every way to a formal evening reception except that the groom and the men of the wedding party will wear gray pinstriped tuxedos rather than black. 0 For an afternoon outdoor wedding, you can go with formal or less formal as in a laid-back beach wedding with a barefoot bride and guests in sundresses or khaki pants and white shirts. Outdoor weddings do offer a range of options from formal to very informal, provided all of your wedding plans adhere to the same formality rules. No mixing some formal (as in bride and maids in long, formal gowns) with some informal (the meal is a clambake on the beach). 0 Dessert and champagne and late-night receptions are semi-formal (women in cocktail A Matter of Style and Formality




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dresses or pantsuits, men in suits) to formal (women in formal gowns, men in tuxedos or suits). 0 Brunches are semi-formal, as are teas. (Women would wear street-length dresses or pantsuits, twinsets and skirts; men would wear buttondown shirts and jackets, or suits.) 0 Informal or casual is appropriate for laid-back receptions, such as a backyard gathering or a beach party where the grill is fired up. 0 Your caterer and site manager can guide you with the specifics of matching your décor and menu wishes to the style and formality of your wedding. Your invitation designer and musicians can also guide you towards appropriate individual choices. As long as you honor the etiquette of using your chosen style and formality consistently and appropriately with your wedding plans, you’ll be fine.

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18 Working with Your Reception Manager or Caterer As with all of your wedding experts, you’ll create a partnership based on mutual communication and respect for the expert’s time. Here are your essential etiquette tips for this relationship: 0 Pre-think what you want so that when you meet with the caterer or manager, you can best describe your sense of style and wishes for your wedding. Caterers tell me it’s extremely frustrating and time-consuming when a bride and groom walk into their office and just shrug when the expert asks the couple to describe what they want. 0 Make appointments for interviews and tastings. Never drop in unannounced, or call from your cell phone because you’re two blocks away. Respect the expert’s schedule and make an appointment at a time that’s convenient for both of you.

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0 Be ready to share set details on your wedding’s location, formality level, color scheme, time of the wedding, and season of the wedding. All of these essential facts must be finalized before your caterer can build a menu that suits the particulars of your day. You cannot expect the caterer to plan a menu without knowing your wedding date, for instance. And some caterers have a policy against doing outdoor or beach weddings, so that’s an important fact to share up-front. 0 When you’re asked to make your selections from a list of appetizer and entrée options, you are free to take the list home, review it fully, and fax in your choices the next day. 0 Always deliver requested information within twenty-four hours, so that the caterer can do his or her job in a timely manner. It’s rude for you to put off answering your caterer’s questions, or to expect the caterer to fulfill your desires when you’ve stalled in delivering vital information. A speedy response is a must. 0 If you’d like to request specialty dishes or changes to menu items on the caterer’s list, always ask if the caterer can fulfill that request. Avoid the all-too-common problem of demanding that a caterer style a dish the way you want. 0 On the flip side, the caterer must not assume a “you work for me” attitude with you. If your 116




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caterer appears to be snobbish about your lack of insights into the farm-raised salmon vs. wild salmon dilemma, you can and should make an assertive yet polite statement that returns the chef to terra firma: “Come on, now. There’s no need for insulting us. We’re depending on your expertise, so if you’d kindly explain the difference, we’d appreciate it.” Smile when you say it, so that the chef can tell you’re not being sarcastic. 0 Inform the caterer or chef of all food allergies in your family at the outset. Ask the caterer how he or she usually handles unknown food allergies, such as printing up menu cards that let guests know the salmon is crusted with chopped walnuts. 0 When you do need to call to ask a question, always begin by asking “Is this a good time for you?” If it’s not a good time, ask for a better time when you can call him back. 0 If the expert has an assistant, treat that person with a friendly and respectful demeanor at all times. 0 Send in your final guest headcount by the set deadline as well as your final selections of menu options. Caterers hate it when indecisive couples change their menu selections endlessly before the wedding day. 0 Ask the caterer or site manager for his or her policy regarding last-minute guest headcount Working with Your Reception Manager or Caterer




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changes. If a guest calls two days before the wedding to say he can’t attend, will the caterer be willing to adjust your bill? Find out the absolute last day that changes can be made. 0 Pay your deposit and your final payments on time. 0 Compliment the caterer and the site manager during your wedding. They appreciate it when brides and grooms express their awe and appreciation for the work they’ve devoted so much attention to. Some couples even take the microphone and ask their guests to applaud the caterer for his or her outstanding menu. Sharing the spotlight on your big day…that’s quite a gift to give the expert. 0 And of course, send a thank-you note after your wedding if the manager or caterer truly outdid your expectations or went the extra mile for you.

Your Cake Baker and Bar Manager All of the previous tips in this chapter apply to the artist who is making your wedding cake and preparing your dessert offerings…as well as the bar manager who will help you select the perfect wines, champagnes, and other drinks. Remember, the reception is one of the most important elements of your wedding day. Acting with good etiquette towards all of the experts involved will only help you achieve the wonderful reception of your dreams.

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19 Seating Chart Etiquette A cocktail party does not require a seating chart and very rarely has one. If you’ll have a dessert reception only, you also may opt not to have assigned seating. For all other types of parties, a seating plan is essential.

Not Just for Some… Be sure to provide seating assignments for all of your guests. It’s improper etiquette to provide table assignments for what you’d consider your “main tables,” such as the parents’ tables, and then not have seating assignments for the rest of your guests. While it may seem to make sense in order to convey who sits in reserved seating (just like with the pew cards at your ceremony), it’s actually quite the insult to your guests. They then become “everyone else.”

Who Works on Creating the Seating Chart? The bride and groom create their plan of the reception seating chart and may then consult with parents for insight and further guidance.

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His Side and Her Side In decades past, it was the norm to seat all of the bride’s guests at tables on one side of the room, and all of the groom’s guests at tables on the other side of the room. Now you can mix up your seating assignments any way you wish.

Varying Sizes You can request tables of varying sizes that can be arranged attractively in your ballroom. This new etiquette-friendly option allows you to seat “natural groups” of close relatives and friends together without leaving anyone out. For instance, that group of fourteen extremely close cousins and their spouses can be seated at a rectangular table at the side of the room, while that group of ten great-aunts and great-uncles can share the same round table. Ask your site manager for a layout chart of the room and some help arranging the best placement of different-sized or shaped tables.

The Kids’ Table If you’ll have a number of child guests in addition to the flower girls and ringbearer, then you’ll likely arrange for a kids’ table. Be sure to seat the parents of these children at the table closest to this one so that they can mind their own children’s behavior. It’s a bad move to seat the parents far away and obligate another guest to cut the children’s chicken for them.

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Occupying Children It’s fast becoming a must to provide kid-friendly games and activities (such as coloring books) as a way to keep kids entertained during the reception. This thoughtful offering on your part is as much for your adult guests’ relief as for the kids’ enjoyment. Also, create a special kids’ menu featuring food choices they’ll like.

Seating Dangers As you create a seating plan, keep the following in mind: 0 Do not place a table too near the DJ’s or band’s speakers. 0 Do not place a table too near the kitchen. 0 Do not place a table too near any heating or air conditioning units. 0 Do not place a table where there is an obstructed view, such as an enormous pillar or a bend in the room’s design. 0 Specify a table for those wedding professionals in attendance at the wedding. The members of the band, DJ’s, photographer, videographer, and others are all served meals at the wedding as a matter of etiquette. Failing to provide them a place to sit—and thus requiring them to eat in the kitchen—is a hideous failure of etiquette. Be gracious to those working your wedding. 0 Allow plenty of walking room between guest tables and seats. Seating Chart Etiquette




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0 Do not seat too many guests at one table. You don’t want them cramped and bumping elbows when they’re trying to eat. If a table seats ten to twelve, seat ten. 0 And of course, find a subtle way to separate divorced couples and their new partners, as well as broken-up couples within your own circle of friends.

Table Numbers To avoid offending anyone, many brides and grooms are replacing the traditional numbered tables (#1–#30) with table names, such as Joy, Forever, and so on. It’s a touch of creativity, and it removes any threat of oversensitive guests’ reactions. Another solution: seat both the bride’s parents and grandparents with the groom’s parents and grandparents, with other honored guests, at Table #1. Or name the parents’ two separate tables and number all the other guests’ tables. Some additional table number etiquette notes: 0 If you do use table numbers, ask the site manager to arrange them in numerical order for easy location by guests. 0 Make sure that table number cards are prominently displayed for guests’ ease of location as well. 0 And make sure that either numbers or names are written in large, clear print for those guests whose sight might not be perfect. 122




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The Main Table While some parents might think they’re at the main table, this term is reserved for where the bride and groom sit. It’s also called the “head table,” and you’ll find two different socially acceptable styles: 0 The Sweetheart Table—This small table seats just the two of you, side by side, facing your guests and is often decorated with a small centerpiece and perhaps the only two slip covered chairs in the room. It’s your table for your own time together. 0 Sweetheart +2—A new trend that fits etiquette standards well is asking the Maid of Honor and the Best Man to sit with you at a table for four. Bride and groom sit side by side, flanked by the Maid or Matron of Honor and the Best Man. 0 The Traditional Main Table—The bride and groom sit together with their entire wedding party, seated on one side of a long table facing the wedding guests. No backs are to face the guests. The bride sits to the groom’s left, with the Best Man seated next to the bride and the Maid of Honor next to the groom. Bridesmaids and ushers are then either seated by alternating gender or all bridesmaids in line on one side of the table and all groomsmen on the other.

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Dear Sharon: Where do our wedding party’s guests sit? At the main table with us so that they can eat with their husband or wife? This arrangement has always presented this challenge. Some brides and grooms are against having spouses or dates join them up at the main table, since that addition can expand the size of the table by far. Some choose to place a special table right up front where the wedding party members’ dates can all sit together and be right nearby to spend time with their partners. Brides and grooms who choose to sit at a Sweetheart table do eliminate this problem, by specifying table assignments where their wedding party members are seated with their dates or spouses (and kids, if necessary).

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Wedding Day Wardrobe

Part Eight: Wedding Day Wardrobe

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20 Matching Choices to Formality and Style The etiquette of selecting your wedding gown, as well as your bridesmaids’ gowns and mothers’ dresses, hinges entirely on matching the style of dress to the formality of the wedding. Style choices (whether you go strapless or halter, for instance) are completely up to you. All that matters is that your wedding day wardrobe fits the following essential guidelines:

Ultra-Formal (White-Tie and Black-Tie Weddings): 0 Full-length ballgown (no cocktail-length) 0 Elbow-length gloves, mandatory for ultraformal weddings 0 Train 0 Headpiece and veil

Formal, Evening, and Daytime: 0 Full-length gown or ballgown 0 Veil and headpiece 0 Train decision is up to you

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Semi-Formal: 0 Full-length gown, ballgown, or… 0 Cocktail-length gown 0 Veil and headpiece, or just a headpiece 0 Train is usually short, if you have one at all

Informal: 0 Cocktail-length dress, or… 0 Knee-length dress 0 Dressy pantsuit 0 Usually flowers in hair, headpiece, or jeweled hair clips

Casual: 0 Knee-length dress 0 Sundress 0 Bathing suit and sarong

With regard to the season of the wedding, again style will dictate appropriate styles and fabrics. A talented gown stylist can advise you on which trends work best for your look and preferences. The bridesmaids’ dresses will follow the above formality chart as well, with all of your maids in matching length dresses. While you may give them freedom to choose their own individual styles of skirts and tops to best flatter their figures, they must conform to an agreed-upon length (such as cocktail-length) and the seamstress must match the bottom hem length to each other so that all skirts reach the same level Matching Choices to Formality and Style




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when the maids are standing in line at the ceremony. That’s a style point for uniformity of appearance and a more formal, polished look in person and in pictures. No overly sexy styles for bridesmaids (and keep it a bit modest for your own dress too).

A Matter of Propriety Be aware if your church or synagogue has strict rules about women covering their shoulders while in their establishments. Some houses of worship maintain firm standards of dress as a matter of respect for the faith. Be sure to adhere to these important rules when selecting your wedding day wardrobe, and share these rules with all others.

About Wearing White The old rule that a first-time bride must wear a white gown (and that a second-time bride may not wear white) is gone. Now, the following options are open as a matter of self-expression: 0 First-time brides may wear white if they so choose, but they may also choose any range of off-white, ivory, or even pastels. 0 Bridal gowns may have colored accents, such as embroidery, beading, silk flower accents, a colored sash, or an entirely colored train (such as a blush pink). 0 Second-time brides may wear any color they wish, including pure white. 0 The only etiquette note for second-time brides is that they may not wear a traditional veil 128




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covering their faces—that tradition is still reserved for the first-time bride as a symbolic measure. It’s not considered proper for a second-time bride to return to that tradition.

Flower Girl Dresses In most cases for formal to informal weddings, the little girls will wear party dresses that reach to knee or calf-level. They may be dressed to match the bride, such as in a white or ivory dress, and they may be accented with a colored sash to match the color of the bridesmaids’ dresses.

Men’s Wardrobe Etiquette Everyone from the groom to the Best Man, ushers, and fathers of the bride and groom must select their tuxedos (or suits, as the case may be) to properly match the formality and style of the event:

Ultra-Formal, Evening: 0 “White tie and tails” tuxedo ensemble, with white bow tie and long-tailed jacket 0 White gloves are optional for the full effect

Ultra-Formal, Afternoon: 0 Cutaway coat 0 Gray striped pants 0 Gray vest 0 Ascot or four-in-hand tie

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Formal, Evening: 0 “Black tie and tails” tuxedo ensemble 0 White or ivory dinner jackets in the summer months 0 Wing collar or lay-down collar with a bow tie

Formal, Afternoon: 0 Morning coat or cutaway 0 Gray striped pants 0 Gray waistcoat and white shirt 0 Gray stroller jacket 0 Striped tie

Semi-Formal, Evening: 0 Gray or black tuxedo stroller coat with matching pants 0 Wing collar or lay-down collar 0 Four-in hand tie, bow tie, or Windsor tie 0 Vest or cummerbund

Semi-Formal, Afternoon: 0 Business suit and tie, gray or navy blue—or lighter color for warmer months 0 Leather shoes to match the suit

Informal: 0 Suits to match 0 Matching ties and shirts

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Casual: 0 Khaki pants with white button-down shirts 0 Navy blazer

Setting the Groom Apart It’s customary for the groom to select a slightly different look to set him apart. He might choose to wear a white tie and vest while his men wear a black tie and vest set, or he might wear a formal long tie while his men wear bow ties. This break from uniformity is completely acceptable for the groom and for his Best Man as well. Fathers may be set apart by wearing a formal long black tie while the men of the wedding party wear bow ties, or buy a different style of boutonniere. The ringbearer may wear a matching tuxedo, or a dark suit to match the men.

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21 The Etiquette of Group Shopping, Long-Distance Planning, Organizing, Ordering, and Paying When it comes to selecting and ordering their wedding day outfits, members of the wedding party are giving you a gift. They’re agreeing to appear as you want them to be, in dresses that they’ve purchased or tuxedos that they’ve rented. And they’re doing it because they love you. Be gracious about what you request of them. Never demand of them. And always show your gratitude. I include this section because there’s a rampant amount of bad etiquette out there, jokingly referred to as Bridezilla behavior, but it’s really not a joke at all. It’s bad form to take advantage of those who are volunteering to devote their time and money to the honor of standing in your wedding party. So remind yourself of these gracious pointers when you lead them in any wardrobe shopping or ordering experience:

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Give Them a Say in What They’ll Wear 0 This goes for both men and women. 0 You can send them links to a dress design or tuxedo style online, or sit down with them to flip through bridal magazines. 0 You can state your color preference, but be open to objections. Some bridesmaids really do look awful in lemon yellow, and the group may approach you with a more flattering to everyone cranberry color. 0 Allow them to choose their own styles of tops and skirts, again to suit their own shapes. 0 Always select a gown style that your maids will wear again in the future. Bridesmaids love it when you’re considerate of their investment like this. 0 Never tell your maids what you want them to wear, case closed. You could have mutiny on your hands. 0 Be respectful of their budgets. Don’t require them to spend hundreds of dollars on the gown, accessories, and shoes.

Make Appointments 0 For all planned shopping trips, fittings, or even planning meetings, respect your wedding party members’ time and busy schedules. Ask if a Sunday three weeks from now is good, and work to find a time that suits all. 0 Never expect them to drop everything when you’re ready to go shopping. Selecting Wedding Party Outfits




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0 After each planned meeting or shopping trip, take them to lunch or out for coffee as a gratitude treat.

Including Those Far Away 0 Email graphics or links to any wedding party member who lives far away, to keep him or her included in the process. 0 Ask them to send in a professionally-taken size card so that you can order their dress or tuxedo for them. If they cannot find a tailor who takes measurements for free, you will pick up the charge for their professional measurements. 0 When you send the dress or shoes to a faraway maid, ship them with insurance and delivery tracking (such as FedEx) to protect her investment.

Appointing a Leader 0 Usually the Maid of Honor takes on the task of coordinating all of your bridesmaids’ payments for their dress, shoes, and accessories. When you appoint this leader to stay on top of the maids for payment, give her a deadline by which all payments should be made. 0 Make her job easier by sharing all of the maids’ phone numbers with her. 0 Don’t micromanage those to whom you’ve delegated. They may work more slowly than you would, but trust in their abilities. If they can’t seem to get a bridesmaid to pay up, then you 134




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may make a call asking for an update from the tardy maid.

Let Me Do You a Favor 0 While it’s not mandatory at all, you may offer to pay for your bridal party’s outfits. 0 If you wish, allow your bridesmaids to wear their own shoes—just indicating open- or closed-toe styles for a matching look in pictures. The color must match, of course, so this works best for styles in which maids will wear black shoes, silver, or red.

Fittings This essential step holds only the etiquette notes of planning alterations trips to the ultimate ease of everyone’s schedules or allowing everyone to get fitted on their own time. Again, the wedding party most often pays for their alterations, but you may offer to take care of this expense for them as matter of gracious favor. And again, it’s a nice touch if you take your group out for dinner, coffee, or drinks afterwards. Dear Sharon: One of my bridesmaids is having a very hard time financially. I’d like to offer to pay for her dress and shoes, but I cannot afford to do so for all of my bridesmaids. Is it okay if I offer to help her out but ask her to keep it secret? —Alina Yes, you can offer to help her as the good friend that you are, and you can be honest about your request that she be discreet about your generosity. Explain that Selecting Wedding Party Outfits




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you wouldn’t want to hurt the feelings of any of your other friends. In addition, offering to pick up a bill for someone is a touchy etiquette subject. Be sure to ask if she’d like you to pay, not tell her that you’re going to: “I’d really like to help pay for your dress. You’ve been such a great friend to me, and I’d really like to do this for you. Would you allow me to pick up this bill?” If she says that’s not necessary, graciously accept her decision. You should never push.

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Invitations

Part Nine: Invitations

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22 Choosing Your Style of Print Packages Holding to tradition, a formal wedding invitation would only be designed with black print on a white, cream, or ecru-colored card stock. However, you’re now free as well to select colored card stock (from a barely-there blush pastel to a bright lipstick red) and colored ink (blues, greens, purples, reds, and so on). With color added, invitations still accurately convey a formal wedding albeit through your wording choices (see Chapter 23 for wording etiquette rules). While style has opened new doors of design, the substance remains the same.

Typeface or Font Most invitation sample books and custom printers feature variations on Antique Roman typeface, which is the traditional script-form of lettering. (On your computer, you’d use the term “font.”) While no strict etiquette rules apply regarding any particular typeface that’s most proper, the rule is to make sure that whatever you choose is legible. Guests need to be

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able to read your invitation clearly, so steer clear of too-swirly or decorative fonts. 0 Do not use more than two different styles of typeface on an invitation. 0 Bold print is not used. Set your names apart with an italic typeface or font. 0 Parents’ names may be set apart in italic typeface as well, although both sets of parents’ names must be italicized in exactly the same way. 0 Keep all wording in the same print size.

Paper Weight 0 Heavier paper weight is most formal, and more expensive than the lighter versions.

Single Panel or Folded Invitation? 0 A single card panel is still the standard for ultra-formal weddings. For all other levels of invitation formalities beyond ultra-formal all options are open, and it is simply a matter of personal preference when it comes to shape and presentation.

Print Method Engraved invitations, printed in such a manner as to create raised formal lettering that leaves reverse indentations of each letter on the back of the card, is considered the best quality of print method and thus most proper for ultra-formal weddings. It is also the most expensive form of print method. Choosing Your Style of Print Packages




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Thermography is the print method of choice for most invitations, formal through informal. You also have choices of lithography, laser printing, letterpress, and calligraphy. Handwritten invitations are acceptable for very small or very informal weddings. You’ll use your personal stationery or boxed blank note cards conveying in graphic form the style, theme, and formality of the wedding.

Plain or Adorned? The rule of thumb for a formal invitation is to keep it as clean and uncluttered as possible. The most formal of invitations are unadorned cards featuring beautiful lettering, perhaps with a fine line border. Invitation experts say that this is the most proper and traditional of designs. 0 Stay away from garish designs, busy graphics, “cutesy” prints, and lots of glitter. These adornments are still not suitable for a formal wedding invitation. 0 For less formal or theme weddings, invitations can feature stylized design but keep adornments to a minimum…just enough to convey the style of your wedding.

Personalized Style As with all areas of weddings, the possibilities in using your personalized style are endless, and as an etiquette note you are free to select your choice of design. 140




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0 Your monogram is considered the most classic of personal touches and can be matched to the color of your invitation print. 0 If you or the groom have a family crest, it may be used on the invitation in black, colored, or embossed print. 0 You may include a meaningful quote or line of poetry, or an illustration, on the front cover, inside front cover, or back of the invitation.

Beyond the style and appearance of your wedding invitation, it’s the wording of your invitation that conveys the greatest amount of information to your guests…and honor to the wedding’s hosts. Even in today’s modern society, most brides and grooms wish to hold true to standard protocol of decades past. We’ll cover invitation wording etiquette in the next chapter.

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23 Invitation Wording Formal weddings require adherence to the longstanding traditional wording even today. Your wording, spelling, and the order in which information is provided on the invitation must all match the appropriate rules. We’ll begin with formal invitation rules, and later in this chapter we’ll handle the acceptable guidelines for informal and casual weddings.

Formal Wedding Invitations Before we approach any sample wording that suits your particular situation (such as, “How do we word the invitation when both sets of parents are cohosting?” or “How do we word the invitation when we, the bride and groom, are hosting?”), let’s first cover the basics of formal wording rules:

Spell It Out 0 No abbreviations are allowed; all words must be spelled out fully. Main St. would be Main Street. Park Ave. would be Park Avenue.

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0 The time of the wedding is spelled out, not listed numerically. 4:00 p.m. would thus be written as four o’clock in the afternoon. 11:00 a.m. would be eleven o’clock in the morning. 6:00 p.m. would be six o’clock in the evening. 0 Half-hours are also spelled out, but in the appropriate manner. Without fail, 3:30 p.m. would be half after three o’clock in the afternoon, not “half past three” or “three-thirty.” 0 The date of the wedding is spelled out, prefaced by “the”. September 16th would be written the sixteenth of September. 0 The year may be included on the wedding invitation. You’ll spell that out as well: Two thousand and five, rather than 2005. 0 All months are written out in full: March, August, February. 0 The days of the week are spelled out (again, no abbreviations): Saturday, Sunday, Friday. 0 Numbers in an address are not spelled out. 900 Main Street is appropriate.

Names 0 Mr. and Mrs. are appropriate as written. You do not need to write Mister, for instance. The abbreviation for Mr., Mrs., and Ms. are all proper. 0 Miss has traditionally been used for the single woman, no matter her age. Now, women may choose to use Miss or the Ms. they prefer in everyday life. Invitation Wording




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0 Junior or Senior are spelled out, not abbreviated as Jr. or Sr. 0 Numbers after names are appropriate, such as Mr. Charles Gordon Smith III. 0 Middle names are always spelled out. Whether it’s for parents or for the bride and groom, you will never use an initial for a middle name. 0 Mrs. is used for widowed women, followed by the departed husband’s full name or the woman’s name as per her choice. 0 All names are spelled correctly. Triple-check to be sure. 0 The bride’s first and middle name are used, without the Miss or Ms. when parents are listed as hosts. 0 The groom’s full name, including middle name, is listed on the invitation. 0 If you are known by a name other than your birth name, you will include it in parentheses under your name:

Lynette Denise Francoise (Lynette Frank) 0 If either of you is a member of the military, you will include your title and the branch of armed forces for which you proudly serve:

Captain Evan Thomas Ryerson United States Army

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(NOTE: According to military protocol, you’ll use your title if you are ranked Captain or above in the Army, or Lieutenant or above in the Navy. If your rank is below these, then you’ll write Corporal, United States Army under your name.) 0 If you are a member of the military reserves, and on active duty, you will write United States Naval Reserve or United States Army. 0 If you are retired from the military at one of the aforementioned high ranks, you may still include your title and the branch of armed forces for which you served. 0 You may not use your rank and title if you were discharged from the military. 0 Official titles are used to honor a parent’s, wedding party member’s, or guest’s status on invitations, placecards, and thank you notes. They would include Doctor, Judge, Mayor, Governor, and so on. 0 For children, you will use Miss for girls and Master for boys.

Honour and Favour The traditional British spelling of honour (and favour) are used when the ceremony takes place in a house of worship. If your wedding will not take place in a house of worship, you would use “honor” and “favor.”

The Pleasure of Your Company 0 For a formal wedding, the hosts’ names are listed, Invitation Wording




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followed by the phrasing “request the pleasure of your company at…” 0 This is not to be confused with “favour” which is used for the response card (i.e. “the favour of a reply…”) 0 Also acceptable, “the honour of your presence…”

Listing Hosts’ Names The following are the proper models you’ll follow to suit your particular situation with regard to who is named as the hosts of your wedding. I’ve included the full sample text of a formal wedding invitation in the first example and only the name portions in the subsequent ones. You’ll follow the same model for everything after the hosts’ names for each.

The traditional model, where the bride’s parents host: Mr. and Mrs. Thomas James England request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Linda Marie to Mr. Ryan James Montgomery son of Mr. and Mrs. James Montgomery Saturday, the sixth of June Two thousand and six at four o’clock in the afternoon Saint Cecilia’s Church Norwalk, Connecticut … 146




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If the bride’s parents are divorced: Mr. James Michael Walker and Mrs. Elizabeth Jones Walker (if she has kept her married name) (or Mrs. Elizabeth Karen Jones if she has reverted to her maiden name) request the honour of your presence …

If both sets of parents are hosting: Mr. and Mrs. Patrick Michael O’Reilly and Mr. and Mrs. Kevin James Tobias request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their children Renata Michele and Warren Scott (Note: for this style, the groom’s first and middle name only!) …

If multiple sets of parents are hosting (such as with adoptive parents, birth parents, stepparent, etc.) where the list of names would be too long:

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The loving parents of Stephanie Tania Andrews and Matthew Blake Barker request the honour of your company …

Or you may include all of their names, with the bride’s mother and her husband first: Mr. and Mrs. Jackson Gale Wyatt Mr. and Mrs. Paul Charles Andrews Mrs. Caroline Marie Parker Mr. and Mrs. Blake Anthony Parker request the honour of your presence at the marriage of Stephanie Tania Andrews and Matthew Blake Parker … (Note: the “their son” or “their daughter” qualifiers are not included, nor are titles for the bride and groom since the invitation comes from all parents.)

If the groom’s family is hosting: Mr. and Mrs. Arthur George Black II request the honour of your presence at the marriage of 148




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Miss Beverly Sarah Stanton to their son Arthur George Black III … (Notice that Arthur doesn’t get a Mr. in front of his name when his parents are hosting.)

If the bride and groom are hosting the wedding: Ms. Danielle Sarah Quincy and Mr. Andrew Steven Hendricks request the honour of your presence as they unite in marriage Saturday, the twenty-fifth of May … OR The honour of your presence is requested at the marriage of Ms. Danielle Sarah Quincy and Mr. Andrew Steven Hendricks …

If the bride has only one living parent: Mrs. Alexander Russell Jamison requests the honour of your presence at the marriage of her daughter Invitation Wording




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Cecilia Anne to Mr. Brian Charles Reese III … (If the bride’s father is the living parent, the invitation would say “his daughter.” Invitations are issued only in the name of the living parent.)

When You’d Like to Honor the Departed Parent You may include the name of your departed parent, but you may not attribute the host line to him or her. For example, it’s just wrong to put “The late Henry Robert Iverson requests the pleasure of your company.” Instead, you may use the following etiquette twist to suit your tribute wishes: Amanda Juliette Orenson daughter of Mrs. Aida Lee Orenson and the late Mr. Lionel Frank Orenson and Mr. Kyle Preston Burns son of Mr. and Mrs. Preston Parker Burns request the pleasure of your company … When you have a departed parent and wish to include him or her on your invitation, you must list yourselves as the hosts to suit this acceptable naming arrangement.

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If the bride’s mother is divorced and the father is not part of her life: Mrs. Francine Lila Alverson (Note: she uses her name, not her ex’s.) requests the honour of your presence at the marriage of her daughter Veronica Anne to Mr. Anthony David Richfield III …

If the bride has a stepfather and no living or present birth father: Mr. and Mrs. Paul Aaron Benson request the honour of your presence at the marriage of Mrs. Benson’s daughter Evangeline Maria Reynolds (again, use the bride’s last name here for ID) to Mr. Kevin Patrick Lyons … (Note: if the stepfather has raised you, you may use the traditional model listed first in this chapter, honoring your stepfather with father status. Your invitation would read “at the marriage of their daughter.”)

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When the bride’s parents are divorced and remarried to others: Mr. and Mrs. Augustine Reyes Oliverez (Bride’s mother uses husband’s name and is first.) and Mr. and Mrs. Jeffrey Linus James request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Shelby Eve James (Include the bride’s last name for guest’s identification.) to Mr. William Clark Stevenson …

When the Bride Is Divorced You have two acceptable options, based on your age and by your choice. Tradition has it that a young divorcee may have her parents announce her second wedding in the same model as the traditional “parents hosting” wording, only the bride’s name would be listed according to the name she goes by now. That would mean: Ms. Samantha Jean Thomas (if she has reverted to her maiden name) or Ms. Samantha Thomas-Smith (if she has legally kept her hyphenated name from her previous marriage.) Old World etiquette used to require that she use Mrs. as her official title, but many divorced women of today opt out of that rule, preferring Ms. instead. It’s appropriate by choice. If you are a more mature divorcee, your parents will not announce your wedding. You will use your legal name, listing yourself and your groom as the hosts

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even if parents are helping to pay for the wedding. For both options, and to avoid any potential awkwardness of the proper Mrs. title, you may leave the title off your name and just go by your first, middle, and last name.

Less Formal Invitations 0 All of the same rules apply regarding spelling out names, dates, and times. 0 If the invitation will include reception information (as opposed to your including a separate reception card) it is acceptable to print RSVP on the bottom of the less formal invitation. 0 The ceremony invitation does not require an RSVP. 0 Even on this less formal wedding invitation, as is proper on formal invitation response cards, you may write “the favour of a reply is requested by…” or “Kindly respond by…” 0 When you include an RSVP that is to be delivered to someone other than the hosts of the wedding (such as to the bride or to an aunt hosting the wedding reception at her home), you will provide the full name and phone number (not email) of the person taking RSVP responses.

Informal Invitations You can have fun with your informal wedding invitations, as the relaxed nature of the event gives you license to personalize your wording to a great degree: Invitation Wording




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It will be our great joy to have you with us as we unite in marriage Saturday, December fifteenth Four o’clock in the afternoon at the Chart House Weehawken, New Jersey A reception follows immediately afterward RSVP to Nancy Jones, (201) 555-8755 By Friday, November sixteenth … OR We’re finally getting married! Join us on the beach at Cape May for sun, sand, and plenty of margaritas! Sunday, August tenth at 1:00 p.m. Bring your sunscreen! Leave your stilettos at home! Jennifer Lyons and Sam Randall RSVP by July 12, (973) 555-0000 …

Invitations to Small Weddings You may, of course, handwrite your invitations on your personal stationery or boxed note cards if your guest list is very small. You may follow the etiquette rules for formal invitations, or personalize your invitation in the form of a letter: 154




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Dear Aunt Claire: Kevin and I invite you to attend our wedding on Saturday June 6th at three o’clock in the afternoon. The ceremony will be held at St. Catherine’s Cathedral on the grounds of St. Anne University, with the reception immediately following at my parent’s house, 214 Richmond Street in Newton. We’ll hope to see you there. Love, Regina Or, when parents wish to handwrite a personal invitation: Dear Maria and Warren: We can hardly believe how quickly time flies, but our Jessica is to be married to her longtime boyfriend (now fiancé) Timothy Walters on Saturday, August twelfth at 3 o’clock in the afternoon. The ceremony will be held on the beach at Spring Lake with a reception to follow immediately afterward at our house. We’d love for you to join us, along with Marianna and Warren Junior. Please kindly let us know if you can attend. We look forward to sharing Jessica’s big day with you. Love, Felicia and Daniel

An Invitation to the Reception Only In the case where the bride and groom wish to have only their very closest friends and family at their ceremony, or when the bride and groom have eloped or held a small-group destination wedding, they might opt to celebrate with their family and friends at a larger reception later (either the same day as that Invitation Wording




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small ceremony, or weeks after the getaway wedding). Formally, this invitation would be worded according the hosting rules on the previous pages, to read in this manner: Mr. and Mrs. George Aleksandr Pucinski request the pleasure of your company at the wedding reception for their daughter Patricia Ann and Mr. Anthony Davidson Friday the eighteenth of September two thousand and five at six o’clock in the evening Westfield Country Club Westfield, Oregon RSVP … Or, the invitation may state you as “Mr. and Mrs. (name)” in the case of a post destination wedding or elopement celebration. You will be already married at this point in time, and invitations must reflect your current status.

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24 Etiquette of Additional Printed Items Some of the additional printed items you’ll need, such as response cards and reception cards, will be a matching part of your professionally printed wedding invitations. Others you’ll undoubtedly plan to make on your own home computer (like your place cards or wedding programs, for instance). Regardless of where and how you get them and the design you choose, know that the point of these printed cards and pages is to convey information to your guests. And that means etiquette applies.

Reception Cards 0 If you’ll have a split guest list, meaning you’re only inviting a certain percentage of your ceremony wedding guests to the reception, you’ll enclose a reception card with your invitation. An example…

Reception to follow Saturday, December third

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Five o’clock in the evening The Canterbury Club Twelve Rockwood Lane Baltimore, Maryland 0 If all of your ceremony guests will be invited to the reception, as is usually considered the norm these days, you’ll include reception details on your wedding invitation.

Isn’t That Rude? Inviting guests for the ceremony, but not to the reception, used to be a common practice in the past. It used to be considered an honor by friends, neighbors, and others known to the bride and groom to be invited to the ceremony and no one minded about not going to the reception. But etiquette has swayed a bit on this. Now, it’s a questionable practice. Some say it’s an insult to “leave people out,” so more brides and grooms are including all guests to both the ceremony and reception.

Response Cards 0 Also included in the invitations packet is a separate card your guests will use to officially and formally respond to your invitation. An example…

M (guest fills in his or her name here) ____Accepts ____Regrets 158




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0 Some guests, trained by years of etiquette known to them, will fill in the number of people in their party, such as 2 Accepts. 0 Others will check off their response and fill in their names as Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Kelly so that you know to add two to your guest list. 0 It’s also considered acceptable for you to allow guests their choice of entrée for the reception…

____Beef ____Chicken ____ Salmon 0 It’s becoming a standard etiquette practice to include a new category for the entrée, such as Vegan if you know that a number of your friends or relatives are vegans. 0 Don’t offer too many choices, though. This isn’t the SAT’s. 0 Response cards are accompanied by a small return envelope addressed to your name and address (in formal print style to match your invitations), and you will affix a postage stamp to the envelope to facilitate guests’ mailing. It’s bad form to expect guests to use their own stamps. 0 Print the RSVP date on the response card. 0 If guests do not respond by the RSVP date, give them a few days (their card could be in transit), and then make a phone call to ask about their attendance decision. Etiquette of Additional Printed Items




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Maps or Directions 0 Include driving direction sheets (which you may be able to get pre-printed from your site manager) in your invitation packet, so that guests can easily find your wedding weekend locations. 0 Maps are also a possibility, but many guests prefer written directions (such as “Left onto Greenwood Street, 2nd left onto Main Street, Bridgewood Country Club will be on your left.”). 0 While it’s wise to provide directions on your wedding website, some guests may not have access to the Internet. Always provide directions with your invitation.

At Home Cards 0 Included in your wedding invitation package, this small card makes it easy for your guests to record your change of address and also your name-change, if applicable:

At Home Card Thomas Ellison and Kimberly Gonzales-Ellison 7443 Apple Tree Lane Morristown, New Jersey 12345 (973) 555-8865 0 A new addition to At Home Cards is providing your new email address, if necessary. 0 You can provide this information on the back cover of your wedding program if you do not 160




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wish to enclose At Home Cards with your invitation packet.

Place Cards 0 Place cards informing guests of their table assignments are displayed at the entrance to the reception site, often with the guest book in place. 0 Guests may be named as couples on place cards, such as Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Ryan, Table 5, rather than printing individual place cards for each guest. 0 In the case where you’ve granted an “And Guest” to a friend or relative, find out the name of that guest and fill it in on the place card, such as Ms. Holly Warner and Mr. Todd Sumar, not Ms. Holly Warner and Guest. All guests are addressed by name. 0 Place cards are arranged alphabetically on the table, lined up into organized rows. 0 At formal weddings, guests are listed by name, along with their titles: Ms., Mr., Mrs., Master for young boys, and Miss for young girls.

Menu Cards 0 If you wish—it’s not a must—you may print up menu cards for placement on each guest table. 0 One menu card per table is sufficient, two for longer guests tables. 0 Many couples are using these cards to inform guests of any potential food allergy alerts, such as “This chicken dish is prepared with a peanut sauce.” Guests appreciate such notifications. Etiquette of Additional Printed Items




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Wedding Weekend Itineraries 0 If you’ll plan additional quality-time activities for your wedding guests—such as brunches, barbecues, softball tournaments, and the like—it’s best to send the itineraries out to your guests in advance so that they may make their travel and lodging plans. 0 Make sure that the events you list on this itinerary include only events that are open to all wedding guests. Private parties for select guests (such as a cocktail party for your college roommates or a dinner for parents’ friends only) are handled in individual invitations at the host’s discretion. 0 In this itinerary, provide full details of each event. 0 Provide fresh copies to place in guests’ hotel room gift baskets. (They might not have brought their copies along, and you won’t want to field phone calls that weekend). 0 Again, provide print copies of itineraries, as some guests might not have access to your wedding website for your posted details.

Wedding Programs Here are more of the top etiquette tips when it comes to today’s far-reaching practice of handing out wedding programs: 0 Each guest gets his or her own copy of the program, not one program per couple. 0 Wedding programs should be handed out to 162




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each individual, not placed in a basket with a sign “Take One.” 0 The spelling of every person’s name listed on your program has to be correct, as do their individual titles. 0 Even if parents are not planning and paying for the wedding, as may be the case when you’ve taken on your own wedding plans, all parents should still be listed in the program. They may be listed at the top of your list of wedding party members, identifying each by name and relation, such as Alan and Emily Caulfield, parents of the bride; Reginald and Tania Exeter, parents of the groom. 0 If you have siblings who are not members of the wedding party, it’s a gracious tribute to include their names on the wedding program right after your parents’ names. 0 Grandparents and godparents’ names may also be listed. 0 Most couples are including infant and toddler nieces and nephews, or their own young children, on the program under the title “The Youngest Members of the Wedding Party.” Yes, it’s creating a new category, but this is one of those etiquette rules that’s perfectly fine to tweak. 0 Every element of the wedding ceremony is listed by title. Such as Processional, Liturgy, Recessional, and more. Ask the officiant help you with the correct naming of ceremony parts. Etiquette of Additional Printed Items




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0 Every reading is listed by title, such as Corinthians 13. 0 If you’ll use poetry or a quote, the author or speaker is identified by name. 0 All music to be played before, during, and after the ceremony is listed by complete and correct song title and the composer. 0 Readers, musicians, and soloists are listed by name, and relation to the two of you if you wish (such as …the bride’s sister or …the groom’s father) for the guests’ information and enjoyment. 0 You may choose to include the text version of your wedding vows. 0 Providing language translations within your program is a thoughtful idea if some or many of your guests do not speak English. 0 A personal message from the two of you thanks everyone involved with the wedding, again mentioning parents even if you planned and paid for your wedding. Parents may be thanked for their love, support, and generosity. It’s a nice honor to them. 0 A message of tribute can be included, such as: Flower arrangements are dedicated to the memory of those departed friends and family who are with us today in spirit: (Departed grandparents, parents, siblings, relatives, and friends are listed by full name.) 0 Inform guests of any “house rules,” such as: No photographs allowed, or Ladies, please keep your shoulders covered. 164




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0 You might choose to personalize your program with a poem or quote that is special to the two of you. But don’t include anything political, or any advertisements for vendors such as the florist who designed the altar arrangement. This is your wedding program, not the Yellow Pages. If guests love the altar arrangement, they can ask you who designed it.

Ceremony Sheets 0 For your guests’ ability to appreciate and participate in your wedding ceremony, you can certainly print up ceremony sheets containing the words that guests can repeat after the officiant, or the lyrics to songs or hymns that will be sung. 0 Again, explain ceremony rituals so that guests can appreciate their symbolism. 0 Provide instructions for any group participation elements to your ceremony.

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25 Handling Regrets and Cancellations If a guest has returned a response card with the Regrets space checked, indicating that he or she will not be attending the wedding, what do you do? Before you jump to conclusions, either with empathy or with anger, take a moment to collect yourself and think about the wisest etiquette choices: 0 It’s not okay to call them and press for details. It’s extremely bad form to pressure them (even unintentionally) into sharing any difficult personal or family problems they’re having right now. 0 A much better approach is to send a thoughtful card or email: “Dear Nancy: We just received your note that you will not be attending our wedding. We hope everything is okay. We’ll miss you and we’ll send you some pictures and a favor when we get back from our honeymoon. Talk to you soon. Love, Anna and Greg.” You’ve worded your note with the loving care of a friend, and you’ve opened the door for your friend to confide in you if, indeed, everything is not okay.

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0 Guests who have sent you a message about their reason will appreciate trusting you with any sensitive issues they share with you. Make it an unspoken rule that you’ll protect their privacy by not gossiping about their reason.

Last-Minute Cancellations Contact your caterer immediately with any late cancellations. You could still be safely in the window of time when an adjustment can be made, but if the caterer has already invested in your order—or if you’ve passed the date in the contract by which no changes nor refunds may be made—you’re just out of luck. You cannot ask the last-minute canceller to refund you the money you’ve lost. And if a guest who must cancel offers, from the goodness of their heart, to pay you for his or her dinner fee, you should as a matter of fine etiquette turn down the request.

No-Shows If an invited guest does not show up for the wedding and reception—or if the “and guest” she said she’s bringing is a no-show—it may be a challenge to remain your calm and graceful self. Resist the urge to call, yell, and guilt-trip the person. Let it go. If, however, you’re truly concerned about your friend’s safety or well-being, as in “It’s not like her not to show up. Something must have happened,” you can express your concern to the Maid of Honor who can call Handling Regrets and Cancellations




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your friend on her cell phone to ask if she’s okay. If you do not reach the missing friend and she doesn’t show up, leave a concerned voice mail for her (or your Maid of Honor can leave the message) and hope for the best.

When It’s You Who Must Cancel In the unfortunate event that you must decide to cancel your wedding—or simply postpone it—you must inform all of your guests immediately. Print out and send announcements that convey the essential information only. 0 If parents were listed as the hosts on the wedding invitation, then they should be listed as “the hosts” of this missive: Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Weston announce the cancellation of the wedding of their daughter Stacy and Mr. Thomas Polk. The family thanks you for your support. Mr. and Mrs. Marvin Garrett announce the postponement of the wedding of their daughter Emily and Mr. Harold Weitz. Rescheduling information will be sent shortly. 0 If your names were listed at the top of the wedding invitation, you may make your own announcement:

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It is with sadness that we must announce the cancellation of our engagement. We thank you for your support. Emily and Harold 0 No details need to be shared. 0 Nothing needs to be mentioned about the return of engagement and shower gifts (which you must do in the case of a wedding’s cancellation). 0 Email notification is fine if the wedding date is quickly approaching. Old World etiquette once cringed at this suggestion, but it’s simply the fastest and most efficient way to inform all of your friends, family, and colleagues. When they write back, you can cheer yourself with their messages of support. 0 And yes, the gossip mill will spring into full force. Your loved ones will contact you to express their concern for your well-being (and to find out what happened). You don’t have to talk to anyone yet, no matter what kind of emotional state you’re in. (Hey, you could be overjoyed at avoiding a mistake too!) Just practice gracious etiquette. It does no good to trash your ex-fiancé as your knee-jerk reaction. Take time to yourself and ask a trusted friend to field the phone calls. 0 Then, you’ll have to inform your wedding experts (in writing, preferably through email, to get a written record of the date and time of Handling Regrets and Cancellations




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your cancellation for forthcoming “discussions” about refunds) of your postponement or cancellation. Recruit volunteers to help you with any phone calls on this task.

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Flowers and Décor

Part Ten: Flowers and Décor

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26 Special Etiquette Notes about Flowers Believe it or not, there is a branch of etiquette that applies to your wedding flowers: bouquets, boutonnieres, corsages, even centerpieces. As you know, those who carry bouquets or wear boutonnieres are honored members of the wedding party or esteemed family members, set apart from all others in attendance. What you choose for them—and how you present them to these people—are important gestures.

Bouquets Your Bridal Bouquet 0 Your bouquet may be white, or it may be colorful mixes of pastels or even a solid bright red motif. Color choice is now up to you.

Your Maid of Honor’s Bouquet 0 Traditionally, the Maid or Matron of Honor’s bouquet is a little bit larger than the bridesmaids’ bouquets, or a different range of color tones or may contain a few blooms of the same variety as

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your bridal bouquet to set her apart from the rest of the entourage as a position of honor.

Your Bridesmaids’ Bouquets 0 Traditionally, the bridesmaids’ bouquets are uniform in size and color, always smaller than the bride’s and Maid of Honor’s bouquets. 0 Now, with more brides opting to carry colorful or bright bouquets, in great contrast against their white or off-white gowns, it’s perfectly acceptable to have the bridesmaids and Maid of Honor carry white or off-white bouquets to contrast well with their colored gowns. 0 Junior bridesmaids are given the same style of bouquets as the rest of the bridesmaids.

Flowers for the Mothers 0 Longtime tradition led brides to order pretty corsages for their mothers, but etiquette has swept into stylish alternatives: floral bracelets, floral chokers, even small bouquets of a different hue for the mothers to carry while they walk down the aisle. All of these options are perfectly acceptable and welcome by mothers who don’t want to puncture their dresses with corsage pins. 0 Stepmothers are also granted the same flower choice as the mother, even if you don’t get along famously. You might choose a different color for her, but the offering of such an honored floral piece should never connote “ranking.” Take the Special Etiquette Notes about Flowers




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high road and order her a wristlet or bouquet as well. 0 Grandmothers and godmothers are, by tradition, given corsages, bouquets, or floral jewelry as well. Add on your adoptive mother or a very special great-aunt, if you’d like, perhaps even the woman who introduced you to your fiancé. These special tokens express love and gratitude to these special women in your life.

The Presentation of the Flowers It’s a wonderful use of etiquette on the morning of the wedding to present your mothers’, grandmothers’, stepmothers’, and bridesmaids’ flowers to them—right out of the delivery box—before you pick up your own bouquet. It’s a special moment of honor that you’re bestowing upon them, which they will remember always.

Boutonnieres 0 The groom may wear a boutonniere of a different color (usually white) or even a different flower to set him apart from the rest of the groomsmen. 0 The Best Man may also wear a white flower to match the groom’s, setting him apart from the others. 0 The groomsmen’s boutonnieres will all match in uniform style, with all men pinning their boutonnieres on the left lapel of their tuxedo or suit jacket. 174




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0 The fathers, grandfathers, and godfathers may also wear boutonnieres to honor their special positions in your lives, with their choice of flower either matching the groom’s color, the ushers’, or another type of flower altogether as a group set. 0 Stepfathers are given the same type of boutonniere as the fathers. 0 The groom may present boutonnieres to the fathers, grandfathers, and the men in the wedding party. Dear Sharon: My parents are divorced, and both of my parents have new significant others. Do I have to get my father’s girlfriend a corsage and my mother’s boyfriend a boutonniere? —Sarah You don’t have to, but it would be a gracious gesture on your part. If you fear a parent’s strong reaction to your bestowing this gift, you can rescue yourself from controversy (and often appease a parent’s concern) by offering, say, a floral bracelet to the girlfriend rather than the same type of corsage the mothers are wearing. It’s not a must, but it’s classy.

Children’s Flowers 0 The flower girls may carry small bouquets or nosegays, or you might opt to give them a floral wreath to wear on their heads. 0 Flower girls are given a basket filled with rose petals to sprinkle along your path down the aisle.

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0 Ringbearers are given a small boutonniere to match either the groom’s style and color or the groomsmen’s style and color.

Floral Arrangements 0 Make sure your choice of centerpiece is low enough not to obstruct guests’ view of the dance floor, and also of one another to facilitate conversation. 0 Tribute floral arrangements may be set up next to a picture of a deceased family member, perhaps with a framed quote and a burning memory candle. Dear Sharon: We’ve heard that it’s no longer considered proper to have guests play a game to see who gets to take home the floral centerpieces at their tables. Is this true? This trend is more a matter of personal preference among brides and grooms than actual etiquette. If you consider this long-standing tradition (often accompanied by a game of passing a napkin or spoon) to be cheesy, you might opt to have your emcee announce that you’ll be donating your centerpieces to a nursing home, hospice, hospital, or women’s shelter. Guests will “get it” that there’s no “pass the spoon game” coming up, and at the same time the emcee can direct all guests’ attention to the favors table. Or, you can skip the contest and guests will most likely take the centerpieces on their own. Tradition lives on in their minds.

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Parties, Gifts, and More

Part Eleven: Parties, Gifts, and More

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27 Etiquette Tips for Additional Parties Your wedding is cause for celebration, and that means a whirlwind of parties in your honor. And of course that means some additional etiquette rules to follow so that you’re always known as the gracious bride and groom…

Bridal Showers 0 You may not throw or host a bridal shower for yourself. 0 While the Maid or Matron of Honor usually leads the team of bridesmaids in hosting the first, primary bridal shower for you, any friend or colleague can hold a shower for you. 0 It’s frowned upon when mothers plan showers for their daughters, but it is done in cases when the bride wouldn’t otherwise have a party thrown for her by nearby friends and family (such as a case where your much-younger, pre-teen sisters are your only attendants). 0 You may have multiple showers thrown for you,

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such as by groups of friends in faraway cities when you’re visiting there. 0 Coed showers, to which both bride and groom are invited and both male and female guests attend, are acceptable and growing in popularity. 0 Everyone who is invited to the shower must be invited to the wedding. 0 Printed invitations are mandatory, although some friends will use online invitations such as Evite.com for less formal showers (never the primary shower thrown by the bridal party). 0 A shower may be any style, such as a sit-down dinner, buffet, cocktail party, luncheon, brunch, dessert party, and so on. All details must match the formality and style of the party. 0 Favors are given out at bridal showers.

Bridal Brunches, Breakfasts, and Luncheons 0 A bridal brunch is traditionally a “business lunch” that you’ll enjoy together with your bridesmaids. Before or after your relaxed meal, you’ll discuss upcoming plans, check on orders, and make future plans for wedding preparations. 0 As the host, you’ll pay for this meeting and pick up the tip. Your maids are your guests. 0 Other members of the bridal party, or the mothers, may also plan and host additional bridal brunches, lunches, or breakfasts. Etiquette Tips for Additional Parties




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0 No written invitations are needed. It’s okay to extend invitations via phone, email, or word of mouth for these informal gatherings. 0 Some meetings may just be between you and your Maid of Honor, so as not to obligate all of your maids every time. When meetings are mandatory, attendance is required by all.

Wedding Weekend Events Although it is more of a trend than a must—and it certainly isn’t a must yet—you can arrange several activities for your visiting and in-town wedding guests to enjoy during the weekend of your wedding. 0 Attendance at wedding weekend events is always optional, not mandatory. 0 Anyone may host a wedding weekend event, including the bride and groom. 0 Events may be invitation-only, giving individual hosts the power to customize their party guest lists. These invitation-only events are not listed on your wedding weekend itinerary. 0 Distribute a wedding weekend itinerary, listing the nature of the event, date, time, location, host’s name and number, and dress code. 0 If you will not provide wedding weekend events, be sure your visiting guests have access to travel guides with information about area attractions, shopping centers, playgrounds, movie theaters, restaurants, and lounges. Their hotel may have pre-printed brochures for just this same service. 180




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0 Favors are not necessary for wedding weekend events.

The After-Party and the Morning-After Breakfast (For etiquette details on both, see Chapter 36.)

The Post Destination Wedding Celebration Also called “the delayed reception,” this is a celebration that occurs weeks or months after the wedding ceremony. 0 This party may be any style or formality, from sit-down dinner to cocktail party to clam bake on the beach, and so on. 0 All party plans must adhere to the one chosen level of formality. 0 You won’t wear your wedding gown and veil, because you’re already married. You will select an outfit such as an elegant party dress or formal gown as something special to wear to your party. 0 The groom may wear a tuxedo if he wishes, but only if that style suits the formality of the celebration. 0 You may reenact your wedding vows in front of your party guests, or symbolically “renew” your wedding vows and seal them with a kiss to share a glimpse of your wedding with those who were not present for your ceremony. Etiquette Tips for Additional Parties




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0 Hosting choices are up to you. You may choose to host your own celebration, or parents (or grandparents) may also offer to host this party for you. 0 Favors are given out at the close of this party. 0 You’ll put nothing about wedding gifts on the invitation to this party, as the giving of gifts is always the guests’ choice. That means that although your intentions are good, you may not write “No Gifts Please” on your invitation. Guests who choose to bring gifts may place them on a gift table, and you will not open them during the party. 0 You may register for gifts in preparation for this party, adhering to the proper etiquette rules about informing guests where you are registered (such as placing a link to your registries on your wedding website or printing them on your Save the Date cards).

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28 Favors and Gifts Presenting your wedding guests with favors is a gracious way to thank them for their presence on your big day. You’ve seen endless ideas from Godiva chocolates to silver picture frames, frosted cookies to martini glasses, but a bigger issue than what you give is how you give it… 0 Favors are given one to each guest, not one per couple. 0 If you plan to make a donation to a charity in lieu of wedding favors (which is growing into etiquette approval more and more these days), always provide a small gift with the card that announces your donation. It could be an attached box of truffles, for instance, but guests must get something other than your printed card stating the donation. 0 If you’ll make a donation, you do not need to state the amount of your donation. 0 To avoid controversy, wisely choose your charity with a mind toward all-inclusiveness. Avoid giving to political causes, for instance, as some of your guests could get offended.

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0 Attach personalized labels to each favor with your names and wedding date, and a message of thanks from the two of you. 0 A thank-you message on a favor does not take the place of official thank-you notes sent to your guests. This is simply an expression meant for the day. 0 You’ll attach the labels to your favors. Don’t expect the reception hall staff to attach them for you when you drop off your case of favors at the site. Yes, they will arrange your favors on a table for you, but affixing labels is not their job. 0 Select appropriate favors for child guests—small toys or treats work well.

The Worst Etiquette Mistake You Can Make Even worse than not giving favors at all is playing favorites. By that, I mean offering different types of favors to different guests. It’s a cringe-worthy mistake, not to mention a huge insult to half of your guests, if you walk around handing out small wrapped favors to some guests and larger ones to others. People know what that means, and they feel awful. Choose one kind of favor for all of your adult guests, with the exception of child-appropriate favors for the little ones…and don’t play favorites there either.

0 You do not need to walk around to distribute favors to your guests. It’s fine to leave them

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displayed attractively on a table by the exit with a noticeable sign for guests to take a favor with your gratitude, or arrange favors on guests’ tables as an attractive centerpiece option.

Gifts You’ll Give Everyone who played a part in your wedding plans deserves a special, meaningful gift from the two of you. Here are the people you should thank with your choice of meaningful gifts: 0 Your parents and stepparents 0 Your Maid or Matron of Honor 0 Your bridesmaids 0 Your junior bridesmaids 0 Your flower girls (and get a separate gift for their parents as a thank you for their time and investment in your wedding!) 0 Your Best Man (or Best Men) 0 Your groomsmen 0 Your ringbearers (and again, their parents) 0 Those who performed readings or musical performances at your wedding 0 Any relative or friend who helped you with the wedding plans, such as allowing you to use their car, their house, or networking you into big discounts with your caterer. 0 Your wedding coordinator

When Should You Hand out Presents? You’ll hand out gifts, along with handwritten cards Favors and Gifts




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to your recipients, at the rehearsal dinner. For private exchanges, such as very generous gifts given to your parents, or the gifts the two of you will exchange, grab a private moment after the rehearsal dinner. Some couples consider it better etiquette to keep the very flashy gifts to a private exchange. You can also give your wedding coordinator his or her gift during or after the reception as a timely thank you for a full day of amazing work.

The Etiquette of Choosing Gifts When you’re searching for the perfect present, make sure that it’s: 0 Useful in the future, such as an engraved money clip or a charm bracelet 0 Reflective of a personalized or sentimental meaning about your relationship 0 Classy and elegant, appropriate as a wedding gift (no edible body paint, for instance) 0 Wrapped beautifully 0 Accompanied by an expressive, handwritten note from you

Gifts on the Wedding Day 0 The bride and groom might opt to have flowers delivered to their parents and/or to each other on the morning of the wedding.

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Old, New, Borrowed, Blue The tradition of “Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue (and a penny for your shoe)” is one of the most enduring wedding traditions. The etiquette rules are as follows: 0 The bride is joined by the mothers, grandmothers, Maid of Honor, bridesmaids, junior bridesmaid, and flower girl for the Old, New, Borrowed, Blue ritual. The ladies bestow upon the bride their arranged choices of old, new, borrowed, and blue. 0 All choices have sentimental value, and are said to surround the bride with love and luck from her most cherished women on her wedding day. 0 And, of course, “and a penny for your shoe” is another etiquette “gift” that stands the test of time. A penny, from either the year the bride was born or the year of the wedding, is slipped into the bride’s shoe for the duration of the ceremony as a good luck charm. It may be removed after the ceremony…for protection from blisters during the dancing hours.

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29 Guests’ Lodging and Transportation Needs Here are the current etiquette rules for arranging travel and lodging for all of your wedding guests…and the wedding party as well: 0 The wedding party is most often expected to pay for their own travel and lodging (unless the bride and groom do wish to cover those expenses for them). 0 Arrange for potential rooms at several different hotels, to suit guests’ individual budgets. They’ll make their own selection from your informative and considerate notes of… The Westin is where the reception will take place. We have arranged for group room discounts of $95 per room, code #314, (800) 555-0000. The Friendly Hill Inn is two miles away, a family-style resort where we have arranged for group discounts of $65 per room, code SMITH-JONES WEDDING, (800) 555-8645. 0 You’ll print this information on your Save the Date cards as well as on your personal wedding

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website, as well as in your invitations packets for your guests’ ease of use. 0 To make planning easier on your guests, you may also include the website for each of your hotels. They can find out about hotel amenities, partnership perk plans, and driving directions from there. 0 Inform guests that if they have any problems making their hotel reservations, they should contact you (or a family member who is handling this task for you). Provide a phone number where you can be reached. 0 Be sure to provide a firm reservations date for your hotel room discounts, and it is considered proper (since you’re being helpful) to send out a “last chance!” email to your guests, reminding them to reserve their rooms in time. 0 You can personalize a page on your wedding website with a link to the hotel’s concierge or amenities list, helping your guests to arrange for If your local friends or family members offer to host out-of-towners, then by all means, accept. Some people just love hosting houseguests and will be quick to suggest the idea. Be cautious, however, about approaching locals with this concept. Read the answer well—both body language and between the lines. If the person you’re asking seems the least bit uncomfortable with that idea, take it off the table. No one should ever be pressured to host guests in their home. Guests’ Lodging and Transportation Needs




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nonsmoking rooms, cribs, cots, suites, adjacent rooms, and other lodging arrangements. 0 If you’ve arranged for a group airfare rate, post this information on your website along with a contact name and phone number who will organize any group’s plan. 0 When a guest breaches etiquette and asks to stay at your place (and don’t we all have relatives and friends who are so nervy?), just explain that while you wish you could offer that, you already have a packed house and a very busy schedule, so it’s just not a possibility for you. “But we’ll be very happy to help you find a terrific hotel room with our block discount,” is your proper rescue answer.

Guest Room Gift Baskets The trend of surprising guests with gift baskets or goodie bags waiting for them in their hotel rooms has moved from “a nice touch” to an etiquette all its own. It’s been done so often in recent years by goodhearted brides and grooms, and done so well, that guests often expect to find a little something in a pink bag waiting in their rooms. 0 Arrange to have gift bags or baskets placed in their rooms before check-in. Guests should not be handed their heavy gift bag at the check-in counter to lug upstairs with the rest of their baggage and kids in tow. 0 Gift baskets do not have to be extravagant, but 190




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they should indulge a little and inform a little. Include a welcome note from the two of you. 0 Supply kid-friendly gift baskets or bags for children of guests, filled with snacks, bottled water, games, small toys, books, and other treats. 0 Again, make guest gift baskets the same for all guests. No “ranking” with better gifts for some. Guests will wander the halls of the hotel, and they’ll see what others have received from you.

Wedding Weekend Transportation Undoubtedly, some of your guests will need to be picked up at the airport or train station and taken to their hotel. Usually, members of the wedding party and helpful friends and family (who asked “What can I do to help?”) are asked if they would be willing to drive. When you assign rides to these volunteers, make sure you’ve appointed several drivers so that you don’t overwhelm or obligate one or two volunteer drivers. Give them clear instructions as well as guests’ detailed itineraries (airline, flight number, the airline’s 800-number to check flight status) and arrange to have guests meet them at the curb or in the baggage section so that drivers do not have to park in lots and pay. 0 A wise option that doesn’t obligate your friends and family: ask the hotel manager for free use of the hotel’s shuttle bus to transport guests from the airport to the hotel, to the wedding and back again. Many hotels open up their Guests’ Lodging and Transportation Needs




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shuttle bus to brides and grooms who have booked blocks of rooms or are holding their weddings on-site. 0 Guests are informed of the free shuttle bus service with a printed card featuring the phone number for shuttle bus service. 0 If guests wish to take cabs or rent cars during the wedding weekend, they pay their own expenses for that. You can approach a reputable car rental agency to ask for group discounts for the dozen of your wedding guests who need to rent cars. 0 If a guest must be sent home from any wedding event in a cab, as a safe ride when the guest has had too much to drink or is ill, you will pick up the cabfare and tip for the driver. 0 Organize set times for the shuttle bus to take groups of guests back to the airport on the morning after the wedding. 0 And of course, send thank-you notes and perhaps gratitude gifts to anyone who helped with guests’ lodging and transportation.

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The Rehearsal and Rehearsal Dinner Part Twelve: The Rehearsal and Rehearsal Dinner

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30 Rehearsal Etiquette Great rehearsal etiquette entails everyone showing up on time, ready to learn important details for the flawless flow of a dream wedding ceremony.

When do you plan the rehearsal? The rehearsal does not necessarily have to take place the night before the wedding but be sure you’re not obligating your wedding party members to travel into town early unnecessarily, causing them to spend extra on hotel rooms for additional nights.

Invited to the rehearsal? Everyone involved in the ceremony is invited to the rehearsal, and attendance is mandatory. In addition to wedding party members, you’ll also invite: 0 Your parents and stepparents (parents must practice walking down the aisle and lighting unity candles, etc.) 0 Child attendants and their parents 0 Anyone performing a reading or musical performance during the ceremony (this means you

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will invite your hired musicians as well, and pay for their time) 0 Siblings outside of the wedding party and their guests 0 The wedding coordinator and his or her assistant(s) 0 You may allow your wedding party members to bring their spouses, partners, or dates, but encourage them to leave their kids at home. Too many people in attendance can lead to chaos and a less than effective learning environment.

In charge of the rehearsal? The wedding coordinator or officiant will take charge, asking for everyone’s attendance and leading you all step-by-step through the practice session, in which you will practice every element of the wedding ceremony, including the processional, vows, readings, recessional, etc. Additional rituals or elements may also be practiced so that all involved are clear on their duties for the day.

Questions By all means, if you have questions on your own behalf, or if you want to clarify a topic for others, ask the wedding coordinator or officiant for their guidance, or for the rules of the establishment. You’ll always ask, not demand. Rehearsal Etiquette




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Etiquette of Child Attendants at the Rehearsal Today’s etiquette includes a degree of acceptance and knowing when you simply cannot enforce a behavior. That said, here are your etiquette tips for whatever the child has in mind at the rehearsal and also on the wedding day: 0 Instruct child attendants early in the rehearsal process. Kids have short attention spans, so they could get tired and cranky by the time it comes to teach them how to walk down the aisle. 0 Depending on their ages and maturity levels, find a compromise that works. Ask the child if she’d feel more comfortable holding the other flower girl’s hand as she walks. Her big sister might just step in to save the day. Perhaps the child can hold the hand of a bridesmaid. 0 Bribery works sometimes. Tell the child that a treat awaits them at the end of the aisle, but they have to walk slowly and smile. Then they’ll be rewarded. You can worry about the long-term benefits of bribing a child later. For now, it works! 0 If the child freezes under pressure and just cannot perform in front of a crowd at the rehearsal, it’s okay. Just move on and revisit the issue later in the rehearsal if possible. 0 If it’s not possible to get child attendants to cooperate, ask the children to practice at home that night. 0 On the wedding day, hope for the best. Even if kids freeze or run down the aisle to a grandparent waiting with a lollipop, it’s an unforgettable moment and a reminder to enjoy the spontaneous actions of children. 196




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0 After the rehearsal, if all has gone well, thank the children in person for being so great at their job. And I advise you to thank kids after the ceremony too—your special attention to them while dressed in your wedding gown or tuxedo renders you almost magical to them. Kids are wowed that you’re taking a moment to appreciate them.

At the Close of the Rehearsal 0 Ask if guests have any additional questions before you end the rehearsal session. And follow up with, “If you think of anything later, feel free to come to me.” Some of your participants might have held off a question for fear of asking in front of a group. They may be more comfortable asking you privately, and your considerate offer comes as a great relief. 0 Thank the officiant and his or her attendants for their time, patience, and their wonderful way of explaining everything to your group. 0 Check the site to be sure all items are in place and all plans secured. (“The air conditioning will be turned on an hour ahead of time, correct?”) 0 Then inform all attendants that it’s time to depart for the rehearsal dinner.

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31 Rehearsal Dinner Etiquette The rehearsal dinner is a time to relax and unwind, enjoy the company of your closest friends and family, and thank everyone for their help in creating the wedding. Here, you’ll hand out your gifts to the wedding party and to your parents, perhaps even to one another (unless you’d prefer to do that in private at the end of the party). While your code of etiquette may be relaxed for this party, there are still some essential rules of conduct:

Who is invited to the rehearsal dinner? 0 Everyone who attends the rehearsal is invited to the rehearsal dinner. 0 That includes the officiant and his or her guest, as well as the wedding coordinator and his or her assistant. 0 Child attendants are invited, along with their parents. 0 The hosts may invite out-of-town guests to attend the rehearsal dinner, as is quickly becoming a new etiquette trend. This rather recent

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phenomenon has caught on, and now guests may expect to be invited. 0 Keep the guest list to a minimum, though, to allow relaxed mingling time for all.

What is the proper style of party for a rehearsal dinner? 0 The style and formality of this party is up to the host. 0 Remember, rehearsal dinners do not always have to be dinners. If the schedule requires, you could plan a morning rehearsal followed by a rehearsal lunch or brunch. The timing is flexible now, as is the style of celebration. As long as you offer a celebratory meal of some kind, as it is a grievous error not to host anything after the rehearsal.

Who hosts the rehearsal dinner? Traditionally, the groom’s family hosted the rehearsal dinner when the bride’s family acted as hosts of the wedding. But now, with roles and rules shifting and combining as both families often partner on the wedding plans, many brides and grooms are being creative with arrangements: 0 The bride’s parents might be “given” the right to host the engagement party for both sides of the family to attend, while the groom’s parents are “given” the rehearsal dinner. This nod to past etiquette rules often satisfies Old World expectations among family and friends. Rehearsal Dinner Etiquette




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0 All parents may join together to cohost the rehearsal dinner. 0 Grandparents may offer to host the rehearsal dinner as their wedding gift to the couple. 0 And of course, the bride and groom may offer to plan and pay for the rehearsal dinner themselves—both for the joy of hosting their friends and family and to completely remove the possibility of a hosting-request battle between the bride’s and groom’s families. Couples who are planning their own weddings often claim this party as their own as well.

Inviting Guests 0 Send handwritten or printed invitations to all rehearsal dinner guests, noting on the envelope which family members are invited, just as you would with your wedding invitations. 0 The style of invitation will convey the style and formality of the dinner. 0 Send invitations as early as possible, so that guests may make their travel and lodging plans accordingly. 0 Set an early RSVP date so that plans may be finalized far in advance. Since you’re reserving your rehearsal time at the church or with your officiant nine months to a year in advance, you’ll most likely wish to reserve your rehearsal dinner location early as well. 0 If you cannot invite all out-of-town guests to 200




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the rehearsal dinner, you might choose to plan another event for them instead. A relative might enjoy the chance to invite these guests to her nearby home for a wedding weekend dinner that she hosts.

During the Dinner 0 The hosts propose the first toast at the start of the celebration. 0 The bride and groom propose a toast to the party’s hosts, thanking them for their generosity. 0 The bride and groom also toast their parents, regardless of whether or not the parents helped plan and pay for the wedding. 0 The dinner commences, and others may propose toasts of their own. 0 When it’s time for the bride and groom to present their wedding party with their thankyou gifts, the bride and groom will propose a toast to their wedding party first. The bride goes first, thanking her Maid of Honor and bridesmaids, plus the junior bridesmaid and flower girl, handing out all of her gifts at the same time. Recipients do not have to open their gifts one at a time. 0 The groom then takes the spotlight to thank his men, handing them their gifts all at once too. 0 The bride and groom may thank their parents again, offering them their gifts at this time. If the gift is quite extravagant, this expression Rehearsal Dinner Etiquette




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might best be saved for a private moment between parents and bride and groom. 0 Other gifts are offered, such as gifts to the grandparents, to the parents of the child attendants, and to the child attendants themselves. 0 Gifts are presented wrapped, with a personalized card from you both. 0 Then let the celebration continue with no further scheduled “must-do’s.” Enjoy your mingling time with your closest friends and family. 0 Before your guests leave, reaffirm with the wedding party their arrival time and further instructions for the wedding morning, and then enjoy some private time alone with your family or with each other.

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On the Wedding Day

Part Thirteen: On the Wedding Day

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32 The Wedding Morning The key to wedding morning etiquette is for everyone to show up on time, fully prepared with everything they need for the day, in celebration mode yet still respectful of their roles in the wedding party. That means, if the bride and groom need something, someone takes care of it. The bride and groom are the stars of the day, and everyone around them does their part to support them…emotionally, logistically, even financially (such as running out to the store to buy the unity candle they forgot). The following are the key etiquette points for the morning of the wedding: 0 A wedding morning breakfast is catered or prepared at both the bride’s location and the groom’s location so that everyone gets a nutritious and energetic start to the day. 0 All wedding party members and invited guests are to arrive on time (if not early, to help out), fully prepared with the entirety of their wedding day wardrobe and other necessary items.

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0 The parents of the bride or groom, if their home is the site where wedding party will prepare for the wedding, may invite close family members or friends to this breakfast and morning celebration, but their guest list must be cleared with the bride and groom first. 0 Stick to a strict schedule for breakfast, dressing, and posing for pre-wedding pictures. Beyond avoiding the stress of hurrying and worrying, it’s bad form to be inconsiderate of guests who have made it a point to arrive on time at the ceremony site. In celebrity world, it’s fashionable to make a late entrance, to keep them waiting. In wedding world, it’s bad etiquette. So appoint a clockwatcher to make sure you’re right on schedule. 0 Couples print up a wedding morning itinerary, an organized flow chart that tells members of the wedding party where they need to be, when, and what’s happening where. Copies of this itinerary are given to every wedding party member, the officiant, and other ceremony participants at the rehearsal dinner. Organization is key, and preparing this schedule is an investment in your good wedding day etiquette (and others’). 0 Take a moment before the pre-wedding activities commence to thank your parents and siblings, any friends in attendance, and share a familyonly toast at the start of this momentous day in all of your lives. The Wedding Morning




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0 Brides and grooms often call one another at the start of the day to share their excitement and say “I love you, and I’ll see you soon.” 0 Appoint a go-to person to handle any urgent or question calls from guests. If someone needs a ride, the point person arranges it. It’s good etiquette to be sure guests in need reach an assistant.

The Salon Trip 0 The bride, her bridal party, the mothers, and grandmothers—and the groom’s Best Lady, perhaps—can arrange simultaneous hair, nail, and makeup sessions at a beauty salon or spa to prepare those gorgeous wedding day looks. 0 It is acceptable for you to request that your maids all wear their hair up, in a chignon or loose and flowing. This is not a must, but it’s within your rights as the bride. 0 All of the women are expressly invited by the bride to attend this beauty salon trip, but it is not necessary for the bride to pay for their hair, nails, and makeup to be done. It may be your option to pick up the bill, but it’s not a must. Many bridal parties get stuck on this etiquette issue, wondering if they’re supposed to offer to pay. So the answer is: offer to pay your salon bill, and the bride has the option to take care of it. 0 The bride might opt to visit the salon only with her Maid of Honor, the mothers, and 206




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her sisters. If she doesn’t want a circus atmosphere with a dozen bridesmaids waiting in line for the shampoo attendant, she can opt to make this visit “Invitation Only,” and instruct her maids to do their own hair and makeup. Many bridesmaids appreciate the freedom and relief from extra expense. If a maid complains that she’s been “left out,” or if it doesn’t seem to be a popular idea with the maids, ask the Maid of Honor to organize a late-arrival appointment for the bridal party. You arrive a half-hour early to get primped, and the entourage arrives for their sessions shortly afterward. Be flexible, and allow the Maid of Honor to play the diplomat here. What’s foremost is that you have the time you need for your hair, makeup, and nails in a relaxing atmosphere surrounded by your very closest loved ones. A suitable arrangement can be figured out to spare hurt feelings. 0 Tip all stylists and attendants well, including those who shampooed your hair or served you breakfast and champagne as part of your bridal package. If your maids are paying for their own services, it’s gracious of you to cover their tips for them.

At-Home Time 0 If you all will get ready at your home, you may claim a room as your dressing site and give the The Wedding Morning




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bridal party and the mothers their own designated, separate dressing rooms. You’re not excluding anyone. You’re giving yourself the gift of dressing in peace.

Pre-Wedding Pictures 0 Once everyone is assembled, dressed, and ready on time to take dozens of pre-wedding pictures, politely inform your photographer that you’re on a firm schedule, and you have to be ready by, say, 11:15 a.m. He or she wouldn’t otherwise have known what time the limos are coming, and your clear communication respects this expert’s planning process. 0 If you haven’t already handed in your list of requested pre-wedding photos to get, now is the time to let the photographer know that you don’t want certain posed shots. 0 As the bride, you have the right to say “No, I don’t like that idea. Thanks.” when any style of creative (or cheesy) shot is requested. 0 Over at the groom’s camp, the same rules apply.

Departing for the Ceremony After you make a last-minute check of your hair and makeup, grab your emergency bag and your cell phone, and collect the bridal party for departure time, the following etiquette rules apply: 0 Past tradition had the bride and her father riding to the ceremony together in the limousine, in a 208




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connection to the tradition of him walking her down the aisle. Mom rode in a separate car with honored family members. Now, Mom (and assorted stepparents) are often asked to ride in Car #1. 0 The bridal party members ride in their own limousine, and another limousine might be used for special family members and guests. 0 The men depart on time for arrival at the ceremony site a half hour to an hour before the ceremony starts, so that the ushers can seat early-arriving guests. 0 The biggest etiquette issue before the wedding starts is everyone arriving on time, with the wedding rings and the marriage license carried by the Best Man and Maid of Honor, so that all essential facets of the ceremony are in place.

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33 Pre-Ceremony Etiquette From the moment the groom and his men walk in the door at the ceremony site onward, the code of ceremony etiquette begins… 0 Ushers ready themselves for the arrival of guests. This means making sure all ties are straight, shirts are tucked in—they’re at their most formal and presentable. 0 Ushers may stand at the entrance of the ceremony site, although it’s fine if they wish to stand outside on the church steps. 0 The groom and his Best Man do not seat guests, but rather wait in a separate room until the ceremony is about to start. The Best Man’s job is to keep the groom calm until the ceremony begins. 0 Fathers or other honored men may join the groom and Best Man in the waiting room as well, if the groom so chooses. Don’t pack the room with people. 0 The groom may, at this point, give the bride’s wedding ring to the Best Man, who tradition-

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ally holds it during the ceremony and hands it to the groom for the ceremonial ring exchange. 0 When called or prompted by a coordinator or the official just before the start of the ceremony, the ushers then go to join the two honored men, and all make their entrance into the ceremony site.

Ushers Seating Guests 0 Traditionally, an usher offers his arm to formally escort female guests to their seats at the ceremony. If a female guest has arrived with a date, he follows behind the usher and the woman he’s escorting.

The Usher’s Guide to Escorting Guests to Their Seats Your role as an usher is important, since you are the first wedding representative the guests will interact with. You’ll set a formal yet friendly tone with your demeanor, and guests are put at ease immediately. You’ve just started the Big Day off for them in terrific style. Nervous about escorting guests? Don’t be. Use the following tips to put you at ease as well: Know the Territory First 0 Find out which side of the aisle is the bride’s side, and which is the groom’s. Ask each guest, “Are you a friend of the bride, or of the groom?” and seat guests accordingly. 0 Find out which honored guests will be seated in the first row or pew, the second row, and so on. This is a sensitive topic for some family members, so ask Pre-Ceremony Etiquette




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the bride and groom for specific directions on reserved seating. (See the Reserved Seating section on page 214 for more on this.) Honored guests may have been given printed “pew cards” indicating their reserved rows. 0 Be aware of safety issues, such as if rows are elevated and guests must take a step up in order to take their seats. You’ll then indicate the rise by saying, “Watch your step.” 0 Keep an eye out for items that have been delivered to the site ahead of the ceremony. Your boutonnieres might be in a box at the entrance, and the guest book sitting in a box by the stairs. Arrange or distribute any necessary items before guests arrive. Offering Your Arm 0 You’ll greet guests with a smile, and then offer your arm for the lady to take as you begin to escort her. Don’t be offended if a woman declines your offer, though. Some guests prefer to have their dates escort them instead. You will simply lead the way. 0 Offer your arm to all female guests, including teenagers and small children, letting them decide if they’d like to be escorted traditionally. While Walking 0 Walk slowly and at a comfortable pace for the woman you’re escorting. Don’t worry if guests are lining up at the entrance. A guest should never be rushed down the aisle. 0 Make small talk with the guest you’re escorting as a charming and friendly way to welcome them to the wedding. Some suggestions: 212




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0 “So, where are you from?” 0 “It’s a beautiful day outside. The bride and groom got perfect weather.” 0 “Isn’t this place incredible?” (Admiring the architecture and the décor.) 0 And a bit of “insider information:” “I’ve never seen the groom this calm. I think I’m more nervous than he is.” 0 Keep a smile on your face. The photographer may be snapping pictures of you from a distance, and the camera sees all. You don’t want to look annoyed in the photographs. 0 Don’t linger. Guests who are friends of yours may want to chat, but you have work to do. Stay a moment to say hello, and then tell them you’ll catch up with them at the reception. Then head back to the other guests waiting to be seated. 0 Even out the sides. If the bride has 200 guests and the groom has twenty, create a better balance by escorting some “bride’s side” guests to the groom’s side where they can sit closer to the front. This even seating arrangement looks better in person and in pictures. Talk to the bride and groom ahead of time for permission on this. 0 Seat elderly guests, pregnant guests, and guests with kids at the ends of the rows where they can easily get in and out of their seats.

Seating Honored Guests 0 If you will escort the mothers to their seats as part of the official ceremony start (the mothers are the last guests to be seated before the wedding party and bride make their big Pre-Ceremony Etiquette




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entrance), walk slowly to the music and smile. Lots of pictures will be taken. 0 Know the plan if an honored guest is in a wheelchair, and walk slowly as you guide them to their position.

Reserved Seating As mentioned, family members can get very offended if they’re “seated in the wrong place.” I’ve heard from many couples whose godparents arrived late to the ceremony and were seated in the back row, as all closer seats were filled. And warfare would break out if a stepparent wasn’t seated in the first or second row as requested. It’s a tricky etiquette minefield you might not think to prepare for, so take the time now to configure your preferred seating for the following honored guests: 0 Mother and father, without exception in the front row. 0 Stepparents and divorced or separated parents’ new significant others, most properly seated next to the parent with whom they are involved. 0 Siblings may also be seated in the first or second row. 0 Grandparents may be seated in the first or second row, on the aisle directly behind parents for the best view. 0 Godparents may be seated in honor rows, such as the second or third row, on the aisle. 214




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0 People who will participate in the ceremony, such as readers or musical performers, might be granted “special, up-front” seats for ease of access to the altar or stage. 0 If your ushers won’t know who certain honored guest are, appoint a head usher, such as a brother of yours, who does know the names and faces of your honored guests. You might choose to select two head ushers, one from the bride’s side and one from the groom’s, so that all honored guests are identified. Of course, the simple use of pew cards indicating which row honored guests are to occupy solves all seating dilemmas.

The Bride’s Arrival 0 The bride and her wedding party, together with her father or parents who will escort her down the aisle, wait at the entrance of the ceremony site for the start of the processional. They are usually hidden from view by a set of closed entrance doors (closed before her arrival) so that she may make a grand entrance when the music starts. 0 Again, timely arrival is a must! 0 The Maid of Honor arranges the bride’s gown, train, and veil so that she looks picture-perfect when walking down the aisle. 0 The bride stands to the escort’s left (when there is only one escort) so that she may be properly presented to the groom, or she stands between two escorts. Pre-Ceremony Etiquette




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0 The wedding party takes their places, ready for the start of the processional. If the bridesmaids will walk alone, they stand in line. If the groomsmen will escort the women down the aisle (as has become more popular and is entirely acceptable), the men will join them at the entrance, offer their arm in escort to their bridesmaid partner, and wait for the music to begin.

Seating the Mothers 0 Traditionally, the mother of the bride is the last guest to be seated before the wedding party and bride begin their walk down the aisle. The mother of the groom is escorted right before her. 0 Now, with stepmothers in the mix more often, the etiquette issue has arisen: When is the stepmother escorted down the aisle? Indeed stepmothers should be honored with an official escort to their seats as part of the processional. The stepmother would be escorted immediately before the mother. The mother would not begin her approach down the aisle until the stepmother has been seated. 0 The same applies to the groom’s mother and stepmother…the stepmother would be seated first, followed at some length by his mother. 0 Grandmothers and godmothers, if they are included in this special seating ritual, precede the mothers. The groom’s grandmother is escorted before the bride’s grandmother. And then the godmothers. 216




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Escorting the Groom In some families, cultures and religions, the groom is also walked down the aisle by one or both parents as part of the processional as well. Feel free to alter the way things have always been done in your family to enjoy this very special entrance to the ceremony.

Who Will Escort the Bride? One of the most frequent etiquette questions I receive from concerned brides is: What do I do if I have a father and a stepfather and am close with both? Here are several potential solutions that all three of you should consider: 0 Both your father and stepfather walk you down the aisle together. You’ll hold your father’s arm, and your stepfather walks beside you. 0 Your stepfather walks you halfway down the aisle, and you meet your father at the halfway point. The two men shake hands, and your father escorts you to the groom. 0 It’s growing more common now to have both your father and mother walk you down the aisle, whether they’re married or divorced. 0 If your father is deceased or not a part of your life, your mother may walk you down the aisle. 0 Or a brother may take your father’s place, carrying on the family tradition. 0 It’s also acceptable for an uncle or godfather to do the honors. 0 Or you may walk down the aisle unescorted, not needing to be “given away” by anyone. Pre-Ceremony Etiquette




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Dear Sharon: I am not close with my father at all. He left when I was four, and my stepfather has raised me. My father has recently gotten back in touch with me—which is nice—but now my relatives feel that he should walk me down the aisle because he’s my father. I don’t want him to. I think it’s most appropriate if the man who raised me and paid for my college gave me away, but my family is up in arms. How do I handle this? —Irena It would be horrific for your stepfather to lose the honor he so rightly earned in raising you. Since it’s your desire to have your stepfather give you away, then that’s what you’ll express to all of the objectors around you. They’re coming from a place of blind tradition, Old World rules that don’t apply anymore. Today, it’s your choice. Explain that it is your wish to have your stepfather walk you down the aisle, and that would make you most happy. If you gave in to their demands, you’d feel that you betrayed both yourself and your loyal stepfather. You can appease the critics by offering to do a father-daughter dance at the reception (after the one you do with your stepfather.) Or, you could have both fathers walk you down the aisle, but you’ll hold on to your stepfather’s arm.

0 If you have a son or daughter, from toddler to teenager or older, he or she may walk you down the aisle as well. 0 When the bride and escort reach the end of the aisle, the bride may kiss or hug her escort, and then the escort hugs or shakes the hand of the groom before presenting the bride to her groom.

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0 The escort may be required to stand in place until the officiant asks some variation of “Who gives this woman to be married?” And here’s another recent etiquette bend: in the past, the father would say, “I do.” Now, more fathers are encouraged to say, “Her mother and I do,” or “Her parents and I do” if there are stepparents in her circle of loved ones. All parents enjoy the honor, and the bride is properly presented. Dear Sharon: I hate the term “giving away” when it comes to walking down the aisle. It makes me sound like merchandise. Is there another proper term we can use? Understandable. Many brides feel that way. You can explain your aversion to that term when you speak with your officiant, asking for the more modern phrase: presenting the bride.

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34 Post-Ceremony Etiquette The ceremony has concluded. You’ve kissed one another to seal your vows, and the cool touch of platinum is new to your ring fingers. You’ll turn, face your guests, and the officiant will announce you as husband and wife. As the applause sounds, you’ll: 0 Enact any closing rituals. 0 Stop for a moment to give a quick kiss or handshake to your parents. After all, your parents want to be the first to congratulate you, and you’ll want them to be your first congratulatory kiss of the day. If you didn’t stop now, your entire wedding party (and others who prematurely step into the aisle to exit the ceremony) would congratulate you first, a crowd would form around you, and parents are deprived of “that moment” with you. 0 As you walk down the aisle, the child attendants exit right behind you, followed by the wedding party in pairs as you’ve arranged them at the rehearsal. No need to keep a large distance between the pairs as you had them pace

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themselves during the processional. Closer, yet still formally spaced and walking at a slightly quicker pace, is just fine. 0 Two of the ushers will then immediately return back up the aisle to serve as guides to “releasing” the first row of guests, then the second, and so on, preventing a logjam. 0 Your parents and wedding party will take a moment to congratulate you, and then you’ll quickly take your places in the receiving line for your guests’ congratulations.

The Receiving Line Some couples are choosing to skip the traditional wedding party line for the sake of time, getting right to their picture session, and then lining up at the reception to hold their receiving line there. This arrangement is considered proper form as well. Here are the top etiquette tips for your receiving line:

Who stands in the receiving line? 0 The mother of the bride is first in line, with the father of the bride next to her. 0 The groom’s mother is next, with the groom’s father next to her. 0 The bride is next, with the groom next to her. 0 The Maid or Matron of Honor is next, followed by all the bridesmaids and Junior bridesmaids. Post-Ceremony Etiquette




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0 Flower girls (and ringbearers) do not stand in the line, unless they are the children of the bride and groom. Then they may choose to stand in the line. 0 The Best Man and ushers are most often excused from the lineup, although you may certainly choose to include the Best Man or all of the men. The goal is to keep the line short for optimal movement.

Where to Put Stepparents in the Line? Stepparents may stand next to their respective spouses as a position of honor. They should be included in the receiving line as a matter of good etiquette. You should never exclude them…or put them at the end of the line. 0 To avoid confusion for guests, separate the “couples,” such as putting the bride’s mother and her spouse first, then the groom’s mother and her spouse next, followed by the bride’s stepmother and father and then the groom’s stepmother and father. It’s custom to arrange parents in woman-man-woman-man fashion for the sake of propriety. 0 If the lineup of eight parents standing before the bride and groom seems too long, you might choose to follow old models of receiving line etiquette and have the fathers step out of the line. 0 Another wonderful, etiquette-correct solution is to include all of the parents, plus the Maid of Honor and Best Man, and then excuse the bridesmaids from the lineup. 222




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0 While fathers may choose not to stand in the line, as is certainly acceptable, most enjoy participating.

Etiquette Tips within the Line 0 The goal is to keep the line moving along, but never at the expense of hurting someone’s feelings. This isn’t an assembly line, it’s a gathering of your friends and family. So don’t say hello for a split second, then push the person in front of you along while you reach to shake the next hand. 0 Receiving line participants should make introductions to the person standing next to them. The bride, for instance, would introduce her childhood friend to her groom, while the mother of the bride would introduce family members to the groom’s parents. 0 If a guest gets chatty and holds up the line, simply smile and say, “I’ll catch up with you at the reception and we can talk more then. So happy to see you again!” Then graciously look toward the next in line. 0 The Maid of Honor may be instructed to “rescue” the bride and groom by very subtly leading lingering guests down the line towards her. An introduction to those standing next to her often leads the guest to take steps further down the line. 0 If someone hands you a gift envelope during the receiving line, accept the gift and hand it to the Post-Ceremony Etiquette




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Best Man for safe keeping. Telling the guest to hold it until later is rude and ungracious. 0 The last person in line may also instruct guests to wait for the bride and groom to make their departure, or—as is growing quite popular now— to wait for a group picture the bride and groom have requested of the photographer.

After the Receiving Line 0 The bride and groom, together with their wedding party, return inside to take posed ceremony photographs and sign the marriage license with the Maid of Honor and Best Man as witnesses. 0 Quickly take photos, as guests are waiting outside. Be good-natured about hurrying the photographer. He or she should be given a time limit, and you can speak up if your parameters are being ignored. 0 Take photos with parents first, so that they may return outside to mingle with guests.

Printed Directions Again, the last person in the receiving line may hand out printed directions to the reception site, and your printout might also include parking instructions (such as valet service at reception hall). It’s a stylish touch to personalize these cards or papers with a note from you: Thank you for sharing this moment with us…Love, Shane and Tara.

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0 The wedding party will then line up outside the ceremony site, perhaps helping to distribute those packets of birdseed or bubble bottles to all guests, and then the bride and groom are showered as they run to their getaway car.

Post-Ceremony Moments 0 When you arrive at the site where you’ll take post-wedding pictures, take a moment to celebrate with your wedding party and parents. Rather than snapping into “all business” mode to get those photos done in a flash, enjoy the moment with your loved ones. 0 You have your choice—enjoy your own cocktail hour in a private room with your wedding party and parents, or opt to join your guests at the cocktail hour you’ve designed for them. You will still be officially introduced into the room at the start of the reception, so don’t worry about missing out on “that moment.”

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35 At the Reception No matter how personalized you’ve made your reception, you’ll still incorporate some of the most everlasting wedding traditions…

Your Grand Entrance into the Room And now, for the first time anywhere as husband and wife… So goes the traditional script for your emcee, DJ, or band leader to introduce the two of you into the reception room to the thunderous applause of your elated guests. Some etiquette tips for the introduction portion of the evening: 0 Before you make your entrance, your parents and wedding party are most often introduced as well. You’ll provide your emcee with a list of your wedding party members’ names and roles (such as Maid of Honor, Best Man) or each person’s relation to you (the bride’s sister, the groom’s brother), as well as a phonetical spelling of names that may be difficult for an emcee to pronounce. 0 When you are introduced into the room, take your groom’s arm, hold your bouquet in place

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and feel free to wave at your adoring crowd. 0 The emcee will have lined up your wedding party members either around the dance floor or in two rows for you to walk down the line or walk through an “archway” made by the wedding party clasping hands over your heads.

Special Dances 0 As husband and wife, you will then be asked to come to the center of the dance floor for your first dance. Start with a traditional slow dance, or impress your guests with your ballroom dancing skills. 0 If you wish, you may plan to have a special father-daughter dance to a song of your choosing, followed by a mother-son dance. 0 Other special dances may ensue, such as you with your stepfather, the groom with his stepmother, your parents, and your grandparents dancing together. So as not to extend the special dance portion of the evening, choose one appropriate song that captures the theme of family joy and have the emcee periodically invite another honored couple onto the dance floor as the others continue enjoying their dance.

Toasts 0 At the appointed time, usually just after the first dance, the Best Man will be called to the front of the room (or stand next to the bride At the Reception




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and groom) with microphone in hand. He will ask all guests to stand and lift their glasses to the bride and groom, and then deliver his short, sweet, and sentimental toast in their honor. 0 It is now the custom of the Maid of Honor to take the microphone to propose her own toast to the bride and groom. 0 Others who may propose toasts: the bride and groom to their parents, the bride and groom proposing separate toasts to one another, the wedding party to the couple, the parents to the couple, the grandparents to the couple, the father to his daughter, the father to his son the groom, and so on… 0 Toasts must always be brief and socially appropriate. No dirty jokes. No embarrassing the bride and groom or offending parents. No offcolor language.

Wedding Toasts For more on toast ideas, see my book Your Special Wedding Toasts.

Greeting Guests and Accepting Gifts 0 As the bride and groom, you will make a concerted effort throughout the celebration to visit each guest table and greet your friends and family. 0 The bride may carry a beautiful beaded cloth drawstring pouch, slightly oversized, so that she 228




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can slip wedding gift envelopes inside. Guests do want the experience of handing you your gift and saying a few words, not the impersonal act of slipping their envelope into a mail slot. 0 A gift table may be set up inside the ballroom to hold any wrapped gifts that guests bring.

Cutting the Cake 0 You’ll both grip a ceremonial knife (perhaps an engraved or ribbon-bedecked cake knife you’ll keep after the wedding) and make that first symbolic slice into your cake. 0 Using a fork (or your fingers), you’ll enact the tradition of feeding one another your first slice of cake. Rather than taking turns, as has been the practice in the past, you may both feed each other at the same time. 0 While it’s playful to smash cake into your new spouse’s face, know that many older guests find this practice frightfully improper. The feeding of the cake, to them, symbolizes trust between the couple, that you will nurture one another.

The Bouquet and Garter Tosses 0 In the past, it was tradition for the bride to collect all the single women on the dance floor and toss her bridal bouquet over her shoulder to the breathlessly anticipating crowd of women. Now, you’ll find this tradition fading away a bit. Some brides create a “breakaway” bouquet that splits At the Reception




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into six to eight separate tiny nosegays so that more single women can catch the symbolism. 0 Or, they may skip the bouquet toss altogether in favor of presenting the bouquet to the couple in the room who have been married the longest amount of time. 0 As for the garter, current wedding etiquette is doing away with the garish removal of the garter from the bride’s leg. More brides and grooms say they can live without the ritual of the groom crawling up under the bride’s dress and removing the garter with his teeth.

Your Departure 0 At an appointed time, the emcee will bring the festivities to a halt momentarily as you prepare to exit your reception. He or she may announce that you will be departing shortly, giving guests who have not had the chance to greet you those last few moments to approach. 0 You might be prompted in advance of this announcement to steal away and change into your going away outfits—traditionally a suit for the groom and a stylish dress or suitdress for the bride. 0 You may say a few parting words of thanks to your guests before hugging your parents goodbye and walking out the doors into your future. 0 Your guests may follow you outside with cheers as you climb into your decorated getaway car or waiting limo…whisking you away for some privacy. 230




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36 After the Wedding While most often, the bride and groom make their big exit and disappear to the honeymoon suite, more and more couples are choosing to put off their private time. Thus the growing new trend of the after-party:

Who hosts an after-party? 0 Brides and grooms often join a select group of their wedding party, friends, and closest family for a separate, more informal gathering at home for snacks and drinks, out at a lounge, or in a hotel suite. Parents might be invited as well, or… 0 Parents may take this time to invite their own closest family and friends to their home or hotel suite for a relaxed wind-down party and quality time to chat and catch up with loved ones they haven’t seen in a long time. 0 If the bride and groom do disappear for their private time, the wedding party often plans an after-party of their own, inviting select additional guests.

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0 Out-of-town guests who are staying in the hotel might organize their own after-party. 0 And of course, any wedding guest can invite select guests to his or her home for a hosted party there.

After-Party Planning Etiquette 0 After-parties may be planned ahead, with invitations sent out to select guests for an “invitationonly” gathering, or they may be spontaneous plans made during the reception. (“We’re all going to the hotel lounge after this. Care to join us?”) 0 After-parties are often less formal than the wedding—never more formal—and they may be in any style desired by the hosts. 0 If you have planned an official after-party and invited guests to your home or hotel suite, a restaurant or lounge, then you are the host and you pick up the tab. Guests must not be asked to contribute to your party expenses. 0 At a spontaneous gathering, such as a decision for your group to go to the hotel lounge, it’s acceptable for you all to share expenses just as you would at a regular happy hour. 0 Favors are not required for after-parties.

The Morning-After Breakfast While it’s not mandatory that wedding hosts plan a morning-after breakfast for guests to attend, more and more weddings now feature this event as a standard part of the wedding weekend package. 232




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Who hosts a morning-after breakfast? 0 The parents of the bride and groom often plan the morning-after breakfast or brunch but grandparents and even the bride and groom may host as well.

Who is invited? 0 Individual hosts who plan breakfasts at their homes may invite select guests. 0 In years past, hosts invited only the out-oftown family members and friends staying in the hotel to attend a breakfast. 0 Only guests who have been invited to the wedding may be invited to this celebration.

Planning Etiquette 0 Make every effort to host the group morningafter breakfast at a location that’s easy for guests to get to. If you’ll have many guests staying at the hotel, consider planning to hold this event in the hotel dining room or a separate hotel ballroom or party room. 0 Choose a time carefully. Be aware of what time checkout is—regardless of where the breakfast will take place—so that guests will have time to attend in a relaxed manner and still be able to pack and checkout in time. 0 You can arrange with the hotel to grant your guests a late checkout time that does not incur any extra fees for guests. Your hotel manager will After the Wedding




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likely be happy to offer you this convenient extension of time in your guests’ interest. 0 Convey on the invitation the dress code for this breakfast. Some hotels, for instance, offer a more upscale brunch in a fine dining room and guests will need to dress appropriately. Just make a note on your invitation or itinerary that “Jackets are required for gentlemen,” which indicates also that women should plan to pack a casual-nice dress or pantsuit for this event. 0 The morning-after breakfast starts with a toast from the party’s host.

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37 Saying Thank You Saying thank you is the hallmark of the gracious bride and groom. And in flawless etiquette, it’s all about how you say it. Your words are key to expressing your gratitude to all who helped with the wedding, not just those who gave you gifts.

Hosting You’ll thank all those who hosted parties and events in your honor, including parents, future in-laws, friends, grandparents, etc. 0 Engagement parties 0 Family dinners 0 Showers 0 Luncheons in your honor 0 Bachelor or bachelorette parties or trips 0 Wedding weekend events 0 The rehearsal dinner 0 The wedding morning breakfast 0 The wedding itself

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0 The after-party 0 The morning-after breakfast

Thank You for Opening Your Home Those friends and family who opened their homes for your wedding events—whether allowing you to hold your engagement party at their gorgeous estate or the wedding at their beach house—deserve a special thank you and a generous gift. Those who opened their homes to houseguests—whether it’s you, wedding party members, friends, or family—should also be thanked for their generosity.

Special Help Those who helped in any way with the wedding have given you gifts more precious than anything that can be wrapped and tied with a bow. Even if you’ve arranged for their contributions to count as their wedding gift to you, they should be thanked with a note and a thoughtful gift.

For a Great Conversation Again, it’s not just wrapped gifts or the use of a car that warrants a heartfelt expression of gratitude. If a friend, sibling, parent, or relative comforted you, provided you with helpful insight, or wisely provided a solution to a stressful situation, they too deserve your gratitude in the form of a written note. You’ll warm that person’s heart by expressing just how much their perfect words at the perfect time helped you.

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For Gifts The professionally done “window box” style you might order from your photographer are elegant thank you cards with a printed message of thanks and a window into which you’ll insert your wedding portrait. You’ll choose a style to match your wedding’s formality—and (most importantly) write a personal note on the card in addition to the printed message on the card. It’s also acceptable for you to write your formal wedding gift thank-you notes on your printed stationery. The proper form is to use a folded card or single panel note card imprinted with your couple monogram on the front cover or centered at the top of the card. You’ll handwrite your note of thanks and sign your name. 0 Wedding gift thank-you notes are worded as coming from both of you. “We thank you for the generous wedding gift…” and signed by both of you.

The #1 Etiquette Rule of All Thank You Notes All thank-you notes may contain a printed message, but then you must handwrite a personalized message of your own. Yes, it will take time, which you should plan to invest in this essential etiquette principle. This is one area where the efficiency of a computer printer is not an allowable etiquette bend.

Now for less formal thank-you notes. Thank you’s for shower gifts and the like are considered less forSaying Thank You




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mal than those you’ll send for your wedding gifts. You won’t need to order professional matching-set thank you’s for these. While the style of card may be less formal, you’ll still adhere to the rules of proper thank you note wording.

“I Thank You?” or “We Thank You?” Throughout the season of pre-wedding celebrations, you’ll undoubtedly enjoy several parties, many gifts, and a whirlwind of special treatment. When you send thank-you notes, you’ll need two etiquetteappropriate plans. One for thank you’s that come from you personally, such as a bridesmaid’s luncheon hosted by the Maid of Honor. You’re the recipient of this event, so the thank you comes from you. For those events and gifts that come to you both, you’ll need a thank you method that properly comes from you both. Take the time to differentiate and then get your two forms of personal stationery ready: 0 Thank you’s from you are written on your own personal stationery or a graphic thank-you card. Personal stationery will have your own individual monogram on the front cover or centered on the top of the page. Purchased stationery cards that are blank inside allow you the most freedom and space to write your own personalized messages of thanks.

Monograms When you’ll use your monogram as an accent to your thank-you notes, follow the rules of proper etiquette: 238




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0 Before you are married, your monogram would be your first initial, your middle initial, and then your last initial. 0 Once married, a couple monogram will be written with the bride’s first initial first, then the first letter of their married last name, then the groom’s first initial. The last name initial is enlarged to set it apart. This would be used for everything after the wedding ceremony, such as the reception décor and thank-you notes. You will not use your married name monogram for anything before the ceremony.

What to Write In any thank-you note—formal or informal—you’ll follow the proper etiquette musts:

Presence over Presents 0 It’s a gracious move to mention their presence and how much you enjoyed seeing them and spending time with them before you thank them for the gift. A simple “Thank you so much for being there to share our day. We loved having you there, and we just adore the picture frame set you gave us!”

For Wrapped Gifts 0 Specifically mention the gift they gave. You’ll let them know how much their choice of gift pleased you and your future uses of the gift. “Thank you for the martini glasses! We love them! Seth and Saying Thank You




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I plan to have many a martini party in the future, and of course you’ll be on our guest list!” 0 If a guest has deviated from your bridal registry list and chosen something fantastic on their own, compliment their sense of style. “You always find the most amazing gifts! We love the crystal decanter and will place it front and center in our breakfront. It’s almost too beautiful to use! Thank you for selecting the perfect gift.

For Gift Cards and Gifts of Cash 0 When guests give you either gift cards or cash gifts (including checks), you may use the proper phrase “Thank you for your generous gift!” And here’s the key: you’ll use that same phrase for any dollar value given. No matter if the guest gave you $50 or $500, it’s always a generous gift from the heart. Always mention what you plan to do with the money or the gift card. “We’re so thrilled that we can get that espresso maker now, and we’ll think of you every time we use it.”

“What Were You Thinking?!” Not that you’re ungrateful for anyone’s gift, but sometimes you’ll receive something that’s just…well, tacky. No need to lie or gush or be way too obvious that you’re trying too hard. Just be subtle and general: “Thank you for the decorative pillows. What clever sayings!” And then go right into how wonderful it was to see the guest at the wedding. 240




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Even a hideous gift still came from the heart, so look at the meaning behind the choice. That’s what matters most.

When to Send Thank-You Notes It’s a fallacy that you have a year to send thank-you notes for wedding gifts. Thank-you notes should always be sent as soon as possible after each event in your honor, and each gift that arrives either in the mail or at a party.

When It’s a Honeymoon Registry If you’ve established a honeymoon registry, your thank you will mention their contribution in a way that paints a picture of the amazing experience they helped you enjoy. “We can’t thank you enough for your gift! That sunset champagne cruise you gave us was AMAZING! So romantic! Thank you for giving us that very special event.”

The first reason is being proper, thanking guests right away for their thoughtful gift. The second reason is to keep you sane and on track. You’ll be on the receiving end of many gifts and parties, help from others, and other gestures that warrant an expression of your gratitude. Staying on top of sending out thank you’s protects you from a massive pileup and overwhelming backlog. You cannot take care of your delay by sending one thank you to each guest for a collection of presents (such as an

Saying Thank You




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engagement gift, shower gift, and the wedding gift.) A separate card must be sent for each. 0 Aim for sending out thank you’s for shower gifts and other generosities within two weeks after the event. Many brides and grooms set aside a block of time on a weekend to fulfill this requirement. 0 In the case of your official wedding gift thank you’s, you’ll likely have to wait a few weeks to perhaps a few months for your official wedding portrait enclosures to arrive at the photographer’s studio or be shipped to you. This is an expected delay. You can often pick up those window cards from the photographer early and get a jump on filling out cards and envelopes, slipping in those photos when they arrive and mailing them out as soon as possible. 0 If you will not send picture window thank-you cards, try to get your messages written and mailed within two weeks to a month. After all, when you return from your honeymoon, you’ll want to enjoy your newlywed bliss for a while before diving into the task of writing thank you’s together. Guests expect a delay in receiving thank you’s from the bride and groom. This is an acceptable window of time in which you’ll send them.

Others to Thank 0 Don’t forget to send thank-you notes to guests who sent gifts but were not able to attend the 242




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wedding, or those who sent you a wonderful card with good wishes. Their sweet gestures deserve thanks of their own. As do those who sent telegrams or called you before the wedding day to wish you luck. Any expression of good wishes is a gift.

Photos for All Again, what you do for one must be done for all. Do not enclose your wedding portraits in some guests’ thank-you notes and not in others. Guests get offended when they perceive favoritism.

0 I also suggest that you send thank-you notes to all of your wedding vendors and experts—the florist, the caterer, the cake baker, the band, and so on—letting them know just how much you loved their work. If you wish to send a gift as well, to your wedding coordinator or officiant, the gesture will be much appreciated.

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Note from the Author It’s not just the wedding gown that makes you a beautiful bride. It’s the way you carry yourself in your life. It’s the way you treat others with dignity and respect, and the pride you feel in respecting yourself and your wishes. You’ve just learned the many guidelines for proper etiquette when it comes to your wedding. It’s my wish that you’ve found the solution to a problem that’s concerned you, and that you’re now breathing a sigh of relief in knowing how best to handle it. And since I understand that your life and your family are unique, your wishes for your wedding are unique, and your concerns are unique, I invite you to contact me through my website www.sharonnaylor.net with your additional etiquette questions for help in finding a proper solution. Your etiquette triumph will then help other brides—and grooms—to-be, and you will then become a part of the ever-changing world of proper wedding etiquette. I wish you all the best in creating a wedding that not only fulfills your dreams, but surpasses them. I wish you a wonderful future together, and I thank you for allowing me the honor of helping you along the way. All the best, Sharon Naylor

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About the Author Sharon Naylor is the author of numerous books on weddings, including Your Special Wedding Toasts, Your Special Wedding Vows, 1000 Best Wedding Bargains, and 1000 Best Secrets for Your Perfect Wedding (Sourcebooks, 2004). She lives in Madison, New Jersey.

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Wedding expert Sharon Naylor shows you how to: • Properly word wedding invitations and envelopes • Make appropriate wedding party choices • Decipher who pays for what • Send out timely thank-you notes • Answer sticky guest list questions • Fire a nasty bridesmaid From your dull neighbor to your unconventional cousin, pull off the wedding of your dreams without an eyebrow being raised. Sharon Naylor is the author of numerous books on weddings, including Your Special Wedding Toasts, Your Special Wedding Vows, 1000 Best Wedding Bargains and 1000 Best Secrets for Your Perfect Wedding.

ESSENTIAL Guide to Wedding Etiquette

Traditions have changed and family relationships have become more complex—altering what’s proper and what’s rude in the eyes of your wedding guests.

the

The rules of the wedding game have changed.

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to wedding etiquette Expert Advice on What’s Proper and What’s Not

Naylor

Sharon Naylor