Outfield Menace

Outfield Menace Outfield Menace Mark A. Roeder iUniverse, Inc. New York Lincoln Shanghai Outfield Menace Copyright...

Author: Roeder Mark A

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Outfield Menace

Outfield Menace Mark A. Roeder

iUniverse, Inc. New York Lincoln Shanghai

Outfield Menace Copyright © 2005 by Mark A. Roeder All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

iUniverse books may be ordered through booksellers or by contacting: iUniverse 2021 Pine Lake Road, Suite 100 Lincoln, NE 68512 www.iuniverse.com 1-800-Authors (1-800-288-4677) This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictionally. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. All registered trademarks mentioned in this book are the property of their respective owners. No infringement is intended or should be inferred. ISBN-13: 978-0-595-36234-9 (pbk) ISBN-13: 978-0-595-80679-9 (ebk) ISBN-10: 0-595-36234-6 (pbk) ISBN-10: 0-595-80679-1 (ebk) Printed in the United States of America

This book is dedicated to all the non-gays who ignore the lies of the prejudiced and treat others with the kindness and respect that all, gay and non-gay alike, deserve.

C ont e nts ▼

Chapter 1:

My Brother and the Angel of Baseball ..............................1

Chapter 2:

Dead Meat .....................................................................17

Chapter 3:

Lost Soul ........................................................................30

Chapter 4:

You Can Run, But You Can’t Hide................................45

Chapter 5:

Judgment Day ................................................................51

Chapter 6:

The Mystery of Angel Egler ............................................60

Chapter 7:

Homeward, Angel ..........................................................75

Chapter 8:

My First Kiss ..................................................................89

Chapter 9:

A Mature Point of View ...............................................101

Chapter 10: Brewing Trouble ..........................................................113 Chapter 11: The First Stirrings of Suspicion ....................................129 Chapter 12: Our First “Date”...........................................................137 Chapter 13: Hiding In The Open ....................................................148 Chapter 14: Suspicion and Discovery...............................................158 Chapter 15: Fear and Understanding ...............................................169 Chapter 16: Mystic Gardens ............................................................181 Chapter 17: Disaster Strikes .............................................................192

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Contents

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Chapter 18: Plans for the End ..........................................................212 Chapter 19: Back to Normal ............................................................226

Acknowledgements

I’d like to thank David Yates, Ken Clark, Jim Hertwig, and REC for proofing this manuscript. David was extremely helpful with his in depth knowledge of baseball and even ran a few things past professional players. Without his help, this novel would have been much less realistic.

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The Blackford Dispatch—Wednesday, March 19, 1952 LOCAL TEEN STILL MISSING A two-week search by local and county authorities has turned up no trace of 15-year-old Matt Taber, who disappeared the evening of Tuesday, March 4, on his way home from baseball practice. Teammates were the last to see Matt on the evening he disappeared. “After practice, we usually hang out together,” said Angel Egler. “The day Matt disappeared was no different. A group of us was walking home, Matt turned off on Skye Street, and that’s the last any of us saw of him.” Another teammate, Joshua Fehribach, provided the only lead to date. “There was a car following us, an old Ford four-door from the early-40s. It was all beat up. None of us thought anything about it until after Matt disappeared. It turned off on Skye Street when Matt left us to go home. I don’t know if it has anything to do with Matt’s disappearance, but the driver followed him down the street.” Fehribach described the driver of the car as being in his late 30s or early 40s, with black hair, but admits he didn’t get a good look at him. Authorities have been unable to locate a car matching the description. The Indiana State Police are now searching for the vehicle, which is currently the only lead in the search for Taber. Adam Voegerl, also a teammate, had this to say when interviewed: “Matt seemed kind of upset during and after practice the day he disappeared. He didn’t seem quite like himself the whole day, or even during the whole week before he disappeared. He didn’t laugh and joke around with us the way he used to. There was that car that followed us after practice, but I think Matt just ran away. I’d tried to talk to him earlier that day because something was obviously bothering him, but he wouldn’t talk.” When asked if he had any ideas of what was troubling young Taber, Voegerl responded: “I think maybe he had trouble at home or somewhere. Probably not at home, because I don’t think anyone in his family would hurt him, but something was bothering him. He wouldn’t talk about it, but in the locker room I noticed some bruises on his back, chest and arms. That’s why I think he ran away. He was trying to get away from something—or someone.” According to the police investigators, the Taber family is well respected in Blackford. Matt’s father is a member of the local Chamber of Commerce and his mother is well known for her involvement in the PTA and the Methodist Church Ladies Association. Noah Taber, Matt’s 16-year-old brother, is an honor student and member of the basketball team at Blackford High School.

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Outfield Menace

The family was the very picture of domestic bliss until the youngest son turned up missing, neighbors and friends said. “It’s a terrible tragedy,” said Gertrude Whitney, family friend and owner of Whitney’s Antiques. “The family is devastated. They are praying that Matt turns up safe and sound. We all are.” When told the information provided by Voegerl, Whitney responded: “It just sickens me to think that someone could have been abusing that boy, but there is no way it was a member of his family. There isn’t a family around that is as close as the Tabers. One look at them is all you need to see how distraught they are by the disappearance of Matt.” The community apparently agrees. All those interviewed by the Dispatch have high praise for the Tabers and great sympathy for the trauma they’re going through. The Tabers aren’t giving up hope, however, and neither is our community. All citizens are urged to be on the watch for the car sighted the evening of young Taber’s disappearance and also for any sighting of Matt himself. Taber is 15-years-old, approximately 5'10", 155 pounds with an athletic build. He has brown eyes and brown hair, which he wears long in the back. He was last seen wearing blue jeans, a white t-shirt, a blue flannel shirt, and a light-weight dark-blue jacket. “We’re not giving up hope,” said Matt’s father in a short interview. “We don’t know what happened to Matt, but we’re determined to get to the bottom of it. We’ll never give up the search for our son.” Mr. Taber asked the Dispatch to print this message to Matt: “Please come home, Matt. We don’t know why you left, but whatever is bothering you, we can work it out. We just want you to come home.” We here at the Dispatch can only echo the distraught father’s words: Please come home, Matt.

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C H A P T E R ▼

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My Brother and the Angel of Baseball

March 20, 1952 I narrowed my focus. The scent of the freshly mowed glass, the bright sunshine, and the chattering of the pitcher and catcher all meant nothing. They were mere distractions. Nothing mattered but the ball. Keep your eye on the ball, Kurt. Keep your eye on the ball. Tanner nodded at his brother crouched behind me, wound up, and threw the ball at what seemed like a hundred miles an hour. I swung and missed. “Keep your eye on the ball, Kurt!” yelled Coach Marley. I was already mouthing the words before they were out of his mouth. How many times had I heard them? A hundred? A thousand? A hundred thousand? “You’ll get the next one!” yelled my best friend, Tommy. I glanced at him on first base and gave him a weak grin. Tanner was winding up for another pitch. The ball shot toward me, I swung and missed. It couldn’t have happened at a worse time. It was near the end of practice, and some of the varsity team had wandered over to watch. “You stink, James!” yelled Travis Cremeens, one of the varsity players. His comment earned him a round of laughs from his buddies. I tried to ignore him, but my cheeks turned red. I dropped the bat and headed back to the bench. “Ignore him,” said Tyler Nudo, our catcher. “You’ll get it next time.” -1-


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“Yeah,” I said, without meaning it. I’d been in a slump for the last few days, and I wasn’t the greatest when I was playing my best. I didn’t have a snowball’s chance in you-know-where of making varsity, but I guess that wasn’t all bad, because those guys would’ve probably killed me. I sat on the bench and watched Derek Spradley take his turn at bat. Tanner pitched one of his 80-mile-per-hour fastballs, and Derek belted it right over the fence. What I wouldn’t have given to be able to do that, even just once. I leaned my head back against the concrete-block wall behind me and closed my eyes. I drew in the scent of grass, mowed for the first time since the snows of winter. Ah, Spring! It might be a very short season if my game didn’t improve. I’d never been a strong player, but I seemed to be getting worse instead of better. Most of my teammates seemed to be naturally athletic, while I was not. It would have been easier to understand if I was a little shrimp, but I wasn’t that physically different from my teammates. I wasn’t a big muscular jock like the varsity guys, but I looked about the same as my JV teammates. Maybe I just lacked athletic talent. A shadow crossed the field, and I looked out to see clouds beginning to roll in. It was as if my mood had summoned them. It suddenly seemed much later than it had moments before. I peered into the sky. Yes, it looked like a storm might be brewing. I sniffed. I could smell rain on the wind. “Okay, men, laps!” yelled Coach. The team obediently began to run around the field. Coach was big on laps. He said it built stamina. I didn’t mind the running; at least that I was good at. I could keep up with most of the guys running, even if I couldn’t hit the ball half the time. One thing I had to say about my team was that the guys were supportive. They kept telling me I’d get better with practice. I didn’t know if they were right, but I sure hoped so, and it was a lot better than having someone tell me I stunk. I finished my laps and made my way to the locker room, eager to get out of my sweat-soaked uniform and into the showers. I stripped off my uniform and stuffed it in my locker. I grabbed my shampoo and soap and joined the small knot of my teammates heading for the steaming communal-shower area. I only half listened to the guy talk around me as I stepped under a shower head and turned it on. I often thought of it as my own private rain shower. I liked to stand and just let the water fall down upon me, like little massaging fingers. I lathered my dark curls as Derek Spradley once again expressed his fond wish of getting a look in the girls’ showers. It must have been the deepest desire of his heart. He mentioned it at least once every single day, usually in the showers, but


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sometimes in the locker room. Steam rose off the floor as Derek daydreamed out loud for all to hear. “Can you imagine it,” said Derek, to anyone who would listen. “All those girls…wet and naked…” Derek had a fairly attentive audience, which was probably part of the reason he liked to regale us with his unfulfilled fantasies. “Spradley, are you going on about naked girls again?” asked Adam Voegerl, smirking as he entered. “Hell, if I gave you a girl, you wouldn’t know what to do with her. You don’t have much to do anything with, either,” he said, looking down between Derek’s legs. His last comment wasn’t quite true. Derek got a little…uh…excited when he talked about naked girls. A lot of the guys got excited when he described his fantasies. Anyway, he seemed adequately endowed to me—not that I cared. Derek ducked his head and pretended to be invisible. Adam was sixteen, a whole year older than most of us. Not only that, he was physically mature for his age—a man among boys. He was taller and stronger than just about anyone else and even had some hair on his chest and lots more…well, you know where. He was tough, and no one messed with him. Most everyone on the JV team lived in fear of Adam fixing us with his eyes and demeaning us with his sharp tongue—or worse, pounding us with his fists. He sure shut Derek up fast, and that was quite a trick. Adam was only the first of the guys from the varsity team who filtered in. It began to get crowded. Soon it was wall-to-wall naked boys. Ours was a small school, with a small locker room and shower area, and it was a tight fit when everyone began crowding in at once. The varsity guys were the oldest and the rest of us kind of got out of their way. Not only were they older, they were generally taller and stronger. They had bulging muscles, while we JV guys were slimmer. The varsity baseball jocks reigned supreme. Much of the JV squad yearned to become varsity, but that didn’t make us pals with the varsity team. We were treated like second-rate citizens, at best. I finished soaping up and rinsed off. My team was dispersing, and I didn’t want to be left without allies in the showers. It was better to be one target among many than the only target. All of us JV guys were extremely careful to avoid being alone with the varsity guys in the showers or locker room. We lived in fear of what they might do if they caught any of us by ourselves. The varsity guys were a whole lot like a gang, and everyone feared them. I rinsed the last of the soap bubbles away and surrendered my shower head to Angel Egler, the only boy in school with a ponytail, which ran all the way down


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his back. I didn’t quite meet his eyes as I stepped away. Looking him in the eyes might’ve been taken as a challenge, like looking in the eyes of a stray dog, and I had no desire to challenge any of the big guys. I was no coward, but I wasn’t stupid either. Why go looking for a fight? I looked around for Tommy and saw him rinsing off in a rush. His eyes locked onto mine, and we walked out together. We hurried from the showers, water streaming off our bodies. “Must be cold in there,” said Allen, the towel boy, looking down at my stuff. “Ha, ha! Funny,” I said. “Now gimme a towel.” Allen always said pretty much the same thing, or endless variations on the same theme. He wouldn’t have recognized a new joke if it bit him in his big butt. Derek, safe for the moment from Adam, braved the topic of girls again in the locker room. I quickly dried off and dressed, avoiding as much of the guy talk as possible. It left me feeling a bit like an outsider. That’s the one thing I didn’t like about the locker room and showers: all the talk about girls. I just wasn’t that interested. Most of my teammates were, or at least sure acted like it. Girls were okay, but everything about kissing and seeing them naked kind of went over my head. I didn’t like it because it made me feel like a little kid. Some of my friends had even gone out with girls, and they went on and on about it like it was the best thing ever. I felt like a freak because I was more interested in baseball, collecting coins, and reading. I’d found a few books in the local library that covered puberty. I hurriedly thumbed through them, afraid someone would catch me with them, like my brother got caught with that dirty magazine. Dad tanned his hide good for that. Sam couldn’t sit down for a week. He’d been grounded for weeks, too. Anyway, the books didn’t tell me much, except that some boys went through puberty later than others. The thing was, I’d gone through it already. My voice had lowered, and I had hair in my arm pits and some around my stuff, but still I wasn’t going crazy over girls. The guy talk was kind of scary and, like I said, made me feel like a little kid. I felt as if all my friends were leaving me behind, going onto something bigger and better while I was stuck on the JV squad of life. The windows were darker when I stepped out into the gym again. I crossed the polished wooden floor, my sneakers squeaking every few paces. I pushed open one of the heavy glass doors to find Tommy sheltering himself from the light rain that had already darkened the stone steps with moisture. I hoped the rain didn’t pick up or I’d be soaked by the time I got home. A not-so-distant rumble of thunder threatened just that. Tommy fell into step beside me as I walked down the worn stone steps of the old brick gym. Our school probably wouldn’t have had a gym at all except that


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some guy who once lived in town, Jacob Miller, according to the bronze plaque on the wall by the doors, invented a potato peeler or corn husker or some such thing and made a ton of money and donated some of it for a gym. That was back in the 1910s I think—ancient history. Anyway, I was sure thankful to old Jacob ’cause without him there would’ve been no gym and maybe no baseball team and therefore no life for me. Well, I guess we could’ve had a baseball team without a gym, but still, you know what I mean. “Don’t look so glum, Kurt,” said Tommy. “You’re just in a slump, that’s all.” “Yeah, one that’s lasted a bit over fifteen years.” “That’s almost funny,” said Tommy. “But seriously, I know you haven’t been doing so well lately…” “I stink just like Travis said.” “No, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, you haven’t done so well lately, but you know you’re a good player.” “Thanks, Tommy, but we both know I’m only a mediocre player when I’m in top form.” “You’re better than mediocre, and you’re definitely stronger than I am.” Tommy made a muscle and not much happened. “That doesn’t make me feel any better.” “Why not?” “Well, if I’m stronger than you, I should be better than you at baseball, but I’m not, so all that means it that I’m truly pathetic.” “Oh, shut up, you are not pathetic. Stop saying you are or I’m gonna have to try to kick your butt. You’ve got more muscles, so that means you’ll beat me up. Do you really wanna hurt your best friend, Kurt?” “You have the weirdest logic of anyone I’ve ever met,” I said. Tommy laughed, and I couldn’t help but laugh, too. “Okay, Tommy, I’ll shut up about it to save you. I wouldn’t want to see you get beat up.” “My hero!” “You are just odd, Tommy.” He laughed again. We grew quiet for a couple of minutes. I thought about what Tommy had said; I was stronger than he was, although I was just 5'8" and only weighed about 125. I was still growing, thankfully, but I had a long way to go if I was going to look like some of the varsity guys. I didn’t know if I’d ever make it. That didn’t trouble me so much as the thought that getting bigger might not make any difference. After all, I was already bigger than Tommy, and he was way better at base-


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ball than I was. I guess size didn’t always matter, or maybe I really was just pathetic. The thing was, there were moments when I was really good at baseball, and during those brief spans of time I felt like I could walk on air. I envied the boys who were that good all the time. I’d have given about anything for that kind of talent. One thing was for sure, I wasn’t giving up baseball. I loved it too much to walk away from it. And besides, someday I was gonna be really good at it— maybe. The rain pelted down harder and harder as the sky darkened enough to make it look almost like night. It was difficult to see far ahead. It was like looking through a curtain of water. I didn’t usually stop at Tommy’s after school, but I was likely to drown if I didn’t. We bolted for his front porch. Like most people in Blackford, Tommy’s family lived in a neat white house with a well manicured yard, surrounded by a white picket fence. There were variations, of course, but no one deviated too far from the norm. Even our house, which was just outside of town and past the A&W drive-in, had a picket fence surrounding it. Sam and I took turns mowing the lawn, and Dad was always there to remind us if we didn’t get to it fast enough, or do it just right. He rarely said anything to me because I never let the grass grow too high and did a good job mowing. Sam, on the other hand, was a bit lazier and often sloppy. Sometimes he even paid our sister to mow for him. While we took care of the yard, Mom tended the flower beds, filling them with zinnias, petunias, and marigolds. She also watched over the red roses that grew up the trellis leading to the room I shared with my brother. Tommy and I shook ourselves like wet dogs, slinging water from our hair. Tommy’s was red and not as long as mine, but he sure sent the water flying. We sat on the porch swing and swung back and forth while we watched the rain pour down. It felt all cozy on the porch, but not quite comfy since I was wet and just a bit chilled. I wrapped my arms around myself as we watched the downfall. We sat there for several minutes without talking until a red and white Chevy convertible, a ’51 if I wasn’t mistaken, drove slowly by. “Adam thinks he’s such hot stuff with his new car.” “It’s not new,” I pointed out. “Well, new enough. I didn’t think he could get more conceited, but he’s managed it. I’d love to give him a piece of my mind.” “That would be suicide.” “I said I wanted to, not that I was going to do it. There’s a huge difference.” “I can’t argue with that. Can you imagine what he’d do if you did tell him just what you thought about him?”


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“It hurts just to think about it,” said Tommy. “I can almost feel the bruises forming.” I laughed. “Hey, the rain’s slacking up. I’d better make for home,” I said. “Okay, see ya, Kurt.” “See ya.” I stepped out into the rain, catching the scent of warm, wet concrete and then of warm, wet asphalt as I neared the street. I closed the gate behind me, threw Tommy a wave just before he stepped inside, and headed for home. My short time with Tommy had put things in perspective. Nothing had changed really, but I could look at the situation in a slightly different way. Like, I was thinking of Matt Taber as I walked home and how he just up and disappeared. I didn’t know him well, but my problems were sure nowhere near as bad as his. Even if he’d just run away, he was out there somewhere, probably hungry, with no home and no friends. Maybe it was a good deal worse, too. Maybe that guy they said was following him kidnapped him or something. Maybe he was in the trunk of his car, dead or wishing he was dead. I didn’t even want to think about the possibilities. When I thought of Matt Taber, it seemed like I didn’t have problems at all. A frosty mug of A&W root beer beckoned to me as I passed the drive-in, but I avoided the temptation, mainly because I didn’t have enough money. My allowance was on the low side, and the money I got from mowing lawns and doing odd jobs now and then didn’t last. If I wasn’t stingy with it on stuff like root beer, I couldn’t buy any coins for my collection. Just the week before I’d purchased a 1903 Indian Head penny in extra-fine condition. I had it sitting on my dresser in a little case so I could admire it. I looked it over every morning before I left for school and every afternoon when I returned. I passed the town limits. To the left was the A&W, and down the road to the right, just barely visible, was Eckert’s Farm & Feed and beyond that Clark’s Auto Sales, where they made a big deal every fall about the new models coming in for the coming year. We bought a new car just last fall, a ’52 Nash Ambassador, two toned, maroon and beige. By we, I mean my parents. It was kind of funny that our Nash was a ’52 when it was still 1951 when we purchased it. I guess the car makers in Detroit do that to make them seem newer or something. Mom greeted me from the kitchen as I closed the front door. I wiped my feet on the rug before stepping onto the hardwood floor. We’d all been carefully trained to wipe our feet, because Mom said she spent enough time sweeping


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without all of us tracking in dirt. She probably wouldn’t appreciate me dripping on the floor, either, but that couldn’t be helped. “Go upstairs and change out of those wet clothes,” said Mom as she came out of the kitchen for a moment. I headed straight to my room. I was soaked right down to my boxers, and I didn’t enjoy the sensation at all. I stripped, toweled off with one of Sam’s shirts I found lying on the floor and then put on clean, dry clothes. I hurried back downstairs, my stomach rumbling. I sat down at the kitchen table for our after-school ritual. Mom set a glass of cold milk and a plate with a couple of chewy chocolate-chip cookies down in front of me. I looked up, and she kissed my cheek and mussed my hair. I was her little angel, or so she’d told me. My brother teased me about it when we were alone. My sister, Ida, didn’t give me any grief. She was a year older than I was, the middle child, and often protected me from my older brother. I was the baby of the family at fifteen. The cookies were delicious and still warm from the oven. The smell wafted from the open oven door as did the delicious heat. Getting soaked had chilled me, and the warm, fragrant air made me feel like I was wrapped in a fuzzy blanket. I scooted my chair back a bit farther to let the heat warm my back. Mom really knew how to bake. I was lucky that I could eat pretty much what I wanted without gaining weight. I had almost no fat on me. I could even trace my abdominal muscles with my fingers, because there was nothing but skin covering them up. “Sam! Put on some clothes. I don’t want you running around the house half naked. What if someone stopped by?” “Mom!” “Don’t ‘Mom’ me!” My brother had come into the kitchen not wearing a shirt. He did that sometimes because he thought he was hot stuff with his muscles. He didn’t have any fat on him, either, but he was both thicker and broader than I was. Sam was seventeen and on the basketball team. I was Mom’s little angel and he was Dad’s little jock, although he wasn’t so little at almost six feet two. He grabbed a cookie from the waxed paper on the counter. “Now get upstairs and put on some clothes!” said Mom, shooing him out the door. I stuck my tongue out at him as he left. He couldn’t return the gesture, because he was facing Mom. It was a small victory, but I was willing to take it. It’s the little things in life that are important.


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“Is Ida babysitting?” I asked after Sam departed. “Yes, for the Schroeders again.” My sister did a lot of babysitting. She was so busy with it that she wasn’t around much. Both my brother and sister had fairly regular jobs. I was the oddball. All I had were a few yards to mow and some odd jobs, like cleaning out garages or shoveling snow in the winter. I stared at the sheaf of golden wheat that made up the pattern at the bottom of my plate and ran my finger along the rim of real gold. Dad had bought Mom an entire set of new dishes for Christmas; at least I think they were new—new to us anyway. Mom kept them displayed in a built-in cabinet with glass doors along one wall of the kitchen. I liked them better than the old Petalware set, which was see-through white and way too thin and fragile. I was afraid I’d break a piece every time I helped wash the dishes. Plenty of them had been smashed over the years, which was why we needed a new set. “Honestly,” said Mom, still thinking about Sam no doubt. He ran a bit wild, which made me look good by comparison. It almost made putting up with him worthwhile—almost. I thanked Mom for the cookies and milk and gave her a hug as I left the kitchen, mostly because I just felt like it, but also to make my brother look bad. You’ve got to take your fun where you can find it. When I entered our bedroom, Sam was sprawled on his bed, still shirtless, his arms behind his head. “I thought Mom told you to put on a shirt.” “I thought I told you to shut up. Oh wait, I didn’t, until now: Shut up!” Sam really wasn’t too bad of a brother. He didn’t beat me up or anything, although sometimes he did twist my arm or hold me in a headlock until I submitted to whatever he wanted me to do or stop doing. He did hog the record player, the middle drawer of the dresser, which he claimed by right of age, and the top of the dresser, where he kept a picture of his girlfriend and other miscellaneous junk. He also called me stuff like “Squirt” and a few worse names that he only used when he was sure Mom and Dad weren’t around. But, on the whole, I could’ve done worse. The desk was my territory. Technically, we shared it, but Sam wasn’t big on homework, reports and such, so it was mine by default. I think Sam had a fear of books, although that was about the only thing he feared. I sat down in the desk chair and started in on my essay for English. We were supposed to write about a hobby, so I was writing a piece on baseball. Sam gazed at me now and then, but he’d long ago given up taunting me for doing my homework first thing. Sam was stronger than I was, but I could more


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than hold my own in a battle of wits. Whenever he gave me grief because I studied, I told him that someday I’d be a doctor or something and he’d still be pumping gas at the Marathon. That was his after-school, weekend and summer job— working at the local gas station. It supplied him with the money to buy an old ’39 Chevy coupe and keep it running. That car was his lifeblood, and, of course, I was rarely allowed to ride in it. Often, Sam couldn’t ride in it either, as his keys were usually the first thing to go when he got in trouble, which was as often as not. “You still hanging out with that Tommy kid?” asked Sam. He must’ve been really bored, since he was talking to me. “Of course,” I said distractedly, “that’s what best friends do.” Dumbass. “I think he’s queer.” I stiffened. I never liked it when my brother said stuff like that, although I wasn’t sure why. “He’s okay.” “The twins sure aren’t. They’re homos if anyone is.” He was talking about the Tyler and Tanner Nudo, the identical twins on my baseball team. They were inseparable, and it was rumored they had an incestuous relationship going on. Of course, the rumors were always flying at school, and most of them were crap, like the one about Mrs. Kendall, my English teacher, having an affair with Mr. Douglas, the varsity baseball coach. “Maybe.” “Maybe, my ass. I’d bet fifty bucks they’re butt buddies.” “Well, go ask them,” I said, annoyed. I wanted Sam to shut up so I could work on my essay, but I couldn’t resist adding, “Maybe you can join in.” That was too much for Sam. He jumped up, got me in a headlock and gave me a nuggy. “Cut it out, Sam!” “Say you’re sorry.” “But I’m not.” “You will be if you don’t say it.” “Okay, okay. I’m sorry. Ouch!” “Loser,” said Sam, tossing me away. I sat there for a moment, but couldn’t concentrate on my essay. “Sam?” “Yeah?” “What are butt buddies?”


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A devious grin formed on my brother’s face. My eyes grew wide as he explained the term. “You mean one guy really sticks his…thing…there? That would have to hurt, right?” “Well don’t ask me. I’m not a homo.” “Is that all homos do?” “Why are you asking me this?” “I’m just curious. I don’t know anything about this stuff, okay?” “They give blow jobs, just like girls.” I’d heard about blow jobs in the locker room. It had taken me a while, but I’d finally figured it out. I pictured two guys doing that together for a moment, but then I quickly stopped. I didn’t like the way it made me feel. I didn’t ask Sam any more questions after that. I tried to return to my essay, but some disturbing thoughts were forcing their way into my mind. Sometimes, when I looked at the other boys in the showers, particularly the older ones…I got this…feeling…in my private parts. I was feeling that same sensation again. It started when Sam told me that homos give each other blow jobs. I’d heard the varsity guys talking and they said a blow job felt real good. I wondered what it felt like for the guy…I mean the girl, giving it. I was thinking too about Sam’s girlie magazines. He had a secret stash, which I thought very bold, or perhaps just foolish, after he got in such trouble after being caught with one. I’d sneaked a peak at them a few times, but…well, I just didn’t understand what all the excitement was about. Naked girls were kind of gross really. I forced myself to think of my essay. I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable and I felt like Sam was watching me, even though he wasn’t. Thankfully, I wasn’t bothered by the presence of my brother for long, because he had to get to work. He often started in right after school, but some days, like today, he didn’t start until later, and occasionally he had time off. I was glad our room wasn’t graced with his presence too often. A little Sam went a long way. I ignored Sam as he finally slipped on a shirt and got ready for his exciting career of pumping gas. He disappeared sometime before I finished my assignments. I’m not sure when, as I wasn’t paying attention. I didn’t much care, as long as he was gone. When I pushed away my books at last, I just sat there looking at our room. There was a shelf above Sam’s bed that displayed his trophies, mostly for basketball, but some for track, too. Sam was most definitely a jock, but he didn’t run with Adam’s gang. Anyone who hung around Adam was also a varsity baseball


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player. The other jocks didn’t have much to do with the varsity baseball players because of their bad reputation. I sometimes wished I had a room of my own, but then again it was comforting to wake up in the night and hear Sam softly breathing just across the room. On one of the rare occasions I had nightmares, I was doubly glad he was there. He wouldn’t get mad if I woke him up to sit by my bed until I could sleep again. Sometimes, I climbed into bed with him until the terror of whatever I’d dreamed had passed. Usually I fell asleep and awakened next to Sam in the morning. I felt safe with him there. All in all, he was there when I needed him, and I returned the favor by covering for him now and then. I had some time to spare before supper, so I decided to go for a run. Coach said we should run some to build up our stamina, and I needed it. I was about the best runner on the JV team, but I still had lots of room for improvement. If I ever did manage to hit the ball again, I wanted to make a home run—or, at least, extra bases. I put on some jogging pants, because I knew it’d be getting chilly out. Luckily, the rain had stopped, but it had brought with it cooler air. I told Mom I was going for a run, promised to be back in time for supper, and headed toward town, passing the A&W, Tommy’s house, and then, after a few blocks, the school. I warmed up plenty as I ran, and sweat beaded on my forehead. As I pulled level with the entrance to the high school, I turned left onto Main Street and jogged past the Marathon, where Sam was pumping gas into an old Ford pickup. He saw me and flipped me off. I mouthed, “Bite me,” and ran on. Just beyond the gas station was the Black Heifer Diner, the barber shop, and Merton’s Ice Cream Parlor. I checked for cars and then ran across the intersection of Main and Clark, and on past the post office, the antique store owned by old Mrs. Whitney where I sometimes looked for coins, and the drugstore. From there on, Main Street was all houses. I ran through a few blocks of old homes, most of them going back to the 19th century, and then back again. On my return trip I ran up the other side of Main, passing the Delphi Theatre, the general store, Clark Street once more, and then the bank, Icabod’s Restaurant, and Willow’s Hardware Store. I slowed to a walk as I crossed over the street onto the school grounds. My breath was coming hard and fast and my shirt was damp with sweat despite the chill in the air. I’d put in enough time running for one day, and it was time to cool down. I wandered around behind the gym, dodging mud puddles, where some guys were playing baseball. Angel Egler was up at bat, and Adam Voegerl was standing on deck. I watched through the fence, my fingers gripping the links above my head as Angel waited


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for the pitcher to warm up. Angel was a good two inches taller than I and was both thicker and broader. I’d seen him in the locker room and showers, of course, and knew he was muscular. It was kinda like we had the same body, only his was bigger and better, so I guess they weren’t the same after all, but you know what I mean. Angel whipped his head to the side as he gripped the bat, which had the effect of throwing his two-foot ponytail behind him. I thought his ponytail was cool, but I had to keep my hair short, because my parents wouldn’t let me grow it long. Angel swung and hit the ball way out beyond the farthest outfielder. He gracefully ran around the bases, his ponytail flying behind him, his buddies cheering him on. I yearned for that kind of athletic prowess, grace, and strength. I sighed. I knew I’d never be able to smack a ball as far as Angel could. I wondered what it was like to be that athletic and strong. Looking at Angel made my chest feel funny. Angel stood behind the catcher after his home run. Adam stepped up to the plate, and they both looked in my direction, as if their eyes were magnetically drawn to me or something. Sometimes, I didn’t think Adam liked me, but then most of the time he just ignored me. He did so now as he focused his attention on the pitcher. Angel looked over at me a few times and even smiled. I smiled back, but didn’t approach. A smile wasn’t an invitation, and I especially didn’t want to get closer with Adam there. I didn’t want to risk being on the receiving end of his sharp tongue, which could about make anyone look stupid in five seconds flat. His fists were more dangerous still. I wasn’t sure about Angel’s smile either. There were smiles, and there were smiles. At a distance, I couldn’t tell if he was being friendly, or if it was more of a yeah, you want to be like us smirk or even a veiled threat. Angel had a reputation as a bad ass all his own. I’d heard more than one guy remark that his name should’ve been Devil. The high chain-link fence gave me a slight sense of security from those two. Even if Adam and Angel and some of the other guys came running at me, I’d have a good chance of getting away before they could run to the gate and back to where I was standing. I hadn’t chosen my observation point without thought. In Blackford, it was often survival of the fittest and the smartest. I wasn’t the fittest, but I made up for some of my lack of size with intelligence. A good head start was just as good as long legs in the short run. I know I’m making myself sound like a little shrimp, but I’m not. It’s just that guys like Angel and Adam and my brother were bigger, so I was small by comparison.


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I watched as Adam swung and missed. Adam gave the pitcher a disdainful look after the next ball went wide. I heard him swear as the next nearly hit him. I thought he was going to march out and punch the pitcher for a moment, but he stayed in the box. Adam cracked the next ball, sending it past the third baseman. He made it to second and stopped. I looked at my watch. It was getting close to time for supper, so I reluctantly turned and walked toward home. I could’ve stayed longer and run home, but I’d had enough running for the day. I gave the baseball players one last look. Angel’s eyes met mine again, and I averted my gaze, fearful I was being threatened. Angel ran with a different crowd. No one messed with those guys, and it usually wasn’t a good thing if one of them took notice of you. I felt a little shiver of fear run down my spine and had to resist the urge to run. Instead, I turned calmly and made my way home. Sam was working late and Ida was babysitting, so it was just my parents and me for supper. My parents were very strict about us all eating together at the table whenever possible. Tommy’s family ate on trays in front of the TV, but I knew better than to even suggest such a thing to Mom and Dad. We’d only had our TV for a few months, our first one ever, and Dad seemed to think we’d wear it out if we watched it too much. Tonight was meatloaf, with peas, mashed potatoes, and Jell-O salad, all served on Mom’s Golden Wheat china. Mom liked it when I ate a lot, which I usually did. Baseball took a lot of energy, and I was always starving after practice. I was especially hungry now after my run. Mom wanted to fatten me up some, but no matter how much I ate, I never had an ounce of fat on me. I think I just burned everything up. Dad talked a little about work. He sold cars for Clark’s Auto Sales. In fact, he was the only salesman, except for Mr. Clark himself. It was a real advantage when my parents bought the Nash. They got it for cost, and you wouldn’t believe the markup on automobiles! Anyway, Dad was talking about how he’d sold a new pickup to Mr. Brier, who had a farm some three miles south of us. “Mr. Brier actually bought a new truck?” I asked, incredulously. “Yes, sir,” my dad said, grinning. “Wow, he’s been driving that old antique of his forever.” Mr. Brier drove a beat-up Model T truck that was as old as the hills and had a top speed of something like 25 miles an hour. It was little better than a horse and wagon, which, believe it or not, he still sometimes used on his farm. I’d helped him bale hay the summer before, and going to his farm was like stepping back in time.


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“Well, he won’t be driving it anymore when his new truck comes in. He ordered a beauty—loaded.” “Wow,” I said. Dad described Mr. Brier’s new truck in detail. It was being built in the factory in Detroit and wouldn’t arrive for a few weeks. I planned to drop in and have a look at it before Mr. Brier picked it up. Sometimes I liked to sit in the new vehicles and just smell that new-car smell. It was fun pretending to drive, too. I couldn’t wait for my own car, but that was far in the future. After supper, I went to my room and lost myself between the covers of a Jesse James biography. I enjoyed escaping from reality like that. It wasn’t that my life was bad or anything. I just liked to imagine experiencing things I’d never get the chance to do in southern Indiana. I wished I could step right into the pages of books and really live out what was written in them—well, sometimes, anyway. I was particularly interested in Jesse James, because I’d recently found out he was my ancestor—for real. I’m not kidding. Mom had taken an interest in genealogy and found out that my great-great grandfather, Jesse James, was the famous outlaw. Family legend had long held that we were descended from the train robber, but I’d never really believed it until Mom confirmed it. She’d been working on the family tree for months and had uncovered a lot of things, although none as exciting as Jesse James. I looked for books about him at the library, but the only one they had was for little kids. I read it, but it didn’t say much. I was in Whitney’s Antiques checking out the selection of coins when I spotted the James biography. I elected to fork over the fifty cents in my pocket for it instead of spending my money on coins. That was a couple of weeks ago. I’d been so busy I’d hardly had time to read it, but I was really getting into the biography. What little I’d read fit with family history. My family came from Missouri, near the Kansas border, and that’s exactly where Jesse James grew up. I admired Jesse because he was able to do what I couldn’t. I had to follow rules and be a good boy. Great-great granddaddy didn’t follow any rules; he was an outlaw. I didn’t like the idea of him killing people or being a Confederate, but all that was a long time ago. I could admire his independence and courage, without forgetting that he did a lot of bad things. Dad always said that no one was all good or bad; Jesse just leaned more to the bad side. I was still excited that he was my great-great grandfather. I yawned when Sam came in from work, smelling like gasoline and oil. It was getting close to ten. I put my book on the desk and slipped under the sheets as he


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undressed and prepared for bed. I was asleep in moments, my dreams filled with train robberies and wild chases on horseback. ✶

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I wanted to get to the shower before Sam and especially Ida did so I wouldn’t have to rush to school. It usually wasn’t difficult to beat Sam there. He wasn’t a morning person. Mom usually had to shake him to get him up. Ida was another matter, but she was pretty good about letting me get in and out, since I was so much faster than she was. I treasured the time before Sam and Ida awakened, because I had the bathroom all to myself. Once Sam got up he’d come barging in, heedless of what I might be doing in there. If I had to go to the bathroom, I did that first. Sam wasn’t shy about peeing with me standing right there brushing my teeth or whatever, but I kind of liked privacy for that sort of thing. As far as him seeing me naked, or vice versa, I didn’t care. I was around naked guys all the time in the showers and locker room, so it was no big deal. It was kind of odd though when you think about it. After practice, we all walked from our lockers to the showers naked without thinking a thing about it, but outside the locker room no one ever took their clothes off, unless we were skinny dipping. It was funny how something that was okay in one place wasn’t in another. It was best that way, though. I didn’t think I could concentrate if I had to sit through English or Math with my stuff exposed. I didn’t have to worry about Ida barging in. She had none of the rudeness of our brother. She was far from perfect, but she wasn’t a pain in my backside, as Sam was. I was completely finished before Sam arrived. I passed him in the hall as he stumbled his way to the bathroom. “Good morning, Sam!” I said cheerfully, because I knew it would tick him off. Sam growled, and I grinned as I walked past him into our bedroom.

C H A P T E R ▼

2

Dead Meat

School was too easy most of the time. I guess it would’ve been worse if I had trouble keeping up, but I was a bit bored. I wished we could spend less time in classes listening to teachers drone on and on. It would’ve been cool if we had two hours instead of one for lunch and half an hour between classes instead of five minutes. There was never enough time for me to talk with my friends during the day and my after-school hours were mostly taken up with baseball practice and homework. Now that it was beginning to get warmer, I’d be spending time mowing lawns, too. I only had to mow our lawn about every other week, but I mowed a few in town to earn some money, so I had three or four to mow a week. I didn’t mind it, except when it was especially hot or humid, but it meant I had even less time to spend with my friends. I sat with the guys from my team at lunch. Each team was kind of like a gang. We stuck together and watched each others’ backs. It’s not that Blackford was all that dangerous, but it was good to have allies. Adam and his gang would’ve probably taken over the whole school if it wasn’t for the rest of us banding together in our own little groups. It was more a matter of defense than anything. I noticed Angel sitting with Adam and his buddies at lunch. They sat together every day, but my attention was drawn to them because it seemed like Angel was looking for me as he came out of the line with his tray. He scanned the cafeteria with his eyes. When he spotted me, he locked his eyes on me for a moment and then went on his way without looking around anymore. It was like he’d found - 17 -

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what he was looking for and had gone on. I wasn’t sure what I thought about it. It kind of scared me to be honest. I didn’t need any trouble with that crowd. They’d just as soon beat a guy up as look at him. “Are you going to the dance Friday night?” asked Alicia from her place, several seats down the table. Alicia was one of the girls who regularly sat near the JV baseball players. Other girls sat near the varsity team, and then there were some that sat off in groups all to themselves or by the basketball jocks or whomever. What looked like random order in the lunchroom was actually carefully defined territory based largely on popularity and social hierarchy. If someone switched tables everyone took note because it meant a shift in power or popularity, or maybe that some couple had broken up. If I was to try and sit with the varsity guys it would be like an illegal alien trying to enter the U.S. I’d be deported really fast. I could probably go sit with the artsy crowd if I wanted, since they weren’t the violent type, but I wouldn’t belong, and they’d be suspicious of my motives. I could try to sit with the auto-shop guys, but I’d probably be found with my head stuffed down a toilet later in the day if I tried invading their space. One didn’t mess with the seating in the lunchroom without reason. “Dance?” I asked, realizing I’d been sitting there lost in my own thoughts for far too long. “You know—the dance? It’s not a difficult concept to grasp, now is it?” “Oh, yeah, okay,” I said. “Yeah, I guess I’ll go.” “You guess?” “Uh, yeah.” The truth was I hadn’t thought about the dance at all. Things like that didn’t stick in my mind. “Boys,” she said, as if that explained everything. I wondered why she brought it up. Did she want me to ask her out? The thought made me nervous. She turned to another girl at the table—Suzie, or Sara, or whomever and started chatting about her elaborate plans. She was obviously putting way too much time and thought into it. I looked around at the other guys at the table. Tommy shrugged and Tanner and Tyler looked at each other and then back at me, confused. I guessed obsessing over a dance was a girl thing. The cafeteria smelled like greasy fries and vinegar. Why did it always smell like that? We could be having spaghetti, hamburgers, meatloaf, nasty roast beef, or whatever, and it still smelled like greasy fries and vinegar. I wondered if all school lunchrooms smelled like that, or did each have its own scent? I wished ours

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smelled like chocolate cake or something. Why did we have to get stuck with greasy fries and vinegar? Aww, the mysteries of the universe. I saw Angel eye me again after school. I was leaving with Tommy after practice when I spotted Angel and Joshua Fehribach chatting with Angela Yates outside the gym. Angela gazed at Angel adoringly like he was some kind of god she was supposed to worship. Angel’s eyes locked on mine for just a moment, and it scared the crap out of me. I quickly averted my gaze, and Tommy and I hurried along in fear of getting our butts kicked. I was glad he was with me, but if Angel and Josh decided to pound us, about all we could’ve done was beg for mercy. I sure hoped Angel didn’t have it in for me. I had done him no wrong, but that didn’t necessarily mean anything. The varsity jocks didn’t need an excuse to pick someone as their punching bag, and God help you if one of them did. I bet Tommy was relieved Angel had been looking at me and not him. We were friends, but no one wanted to be singled out by one of Adam’s gang. It was an invitation to terror, humiliation, and pain. I was so shaken up I’d forgotten I was supposed to mow the Schroeder’s lawn right after practice. We’d reached Tommy’s house before it dawned on me. As he veered off into his yard, I took a right and walked back downtown. The Schroeder’s lived on Main Street, down past all the shops. I accelerated into a run, and I was there in no time at all. I pulled the old red mower out of the Schroeder’s open garage and onto their concrete driveway. The greasy old mower looked as if it hadn’t been touched since I’d mowed the last time in the fall. I set the choke and tugged on the rope. Nothing. I checked the gas tank just to make sure and it had plenty of fuel. I fiddled with the choke and tugged at few more times. The only result was that I was growing hot, literally and figuratively. I pulled off my shirt and tucked it into my jeans. My next tug was rewarded by the sound of a spark plug firing, and then the old mower started up. I pushed the mower to the very front of the yard and began the not-so-exciting process of pushing it across the yard and then pulling it back. It was easy to tell the yard hadn’t been mowed since last fall. The grass was uneven, with some too tall and some barely growing yet. It was always like that in the early spring when the grass was just beginning to green up and grow. I guided the mower around a birdbath and continued on. Mowing would be a pretty easy job really if it wasn’t for all the obstacles like trees, lawn ornaments, and fences. Mowing around things was a pain, and the Schroeders had more than their share of concrete frogs and gnomes. I heard that mowing a cemetery meant

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big bucks, but I didn’t even want to think about navigating around all those tombstones! I was all sweaty before I even finished half the yard. Sweat was running into my eyes, and I could feel it trickling down my back and chest. I didn’t mind sweating too much, but what I didn’t like is the way dust and pieces of cut grass stuck to my body, making me feel dirty and nasty. I’d need a good shower when I got home for sure. I’d worked up a good sweat at baseball practice, but my shower had taken care of that. Now I was all sweaty and smelly again. Was mowing the Schroeder’s lawn really worth five bucks? At last I was finished, and Mrs. Schroeder came out the side door as I was putting the mower back in the garage. I’d seen her peeking out the windows at me, probably checking to make sure it was me who was messing around in her yard. She was a nice lady, but God help anyone who disturbed her lawn. Touch one of her precious gnomes and she’d come flying out of the house brandishing a broom. Mrs. Schroeder thanked me for doing such a fine job and handed me $5, which I slipped into my front pocket. I was soon walking across her freshly mown yard, considerably richer than I had been before. As I neared the sidewalk, I saw a man with dark hair standing there as if waiting for me. He was about my dad’s age, probably mid-30s, with dark hair and eyes. “Hi,” I said, just to be friendly. Pretty much everyone in Blackford said ‘hi,’ whether they knew who they were greeting or not. “Hello there. I was wondering, are you available to mow lawns? I was just passing and…noticed you.” “Um, yeah. I mow a few in town.” “Good, good. I’m looking for a boy to take care of my yard. I was going to put an ad in the paper or a notice in the grocery, but you can save me the trouble.” “Well, I could use the money, that’s for sure.” “Money I have, but I’m not much for yard work. I’d rather pay a good-looking boy like you to do it instead.” “Great, um, you want to tell me where you live? I have baseball practice after school, but there’s still plenty of time to mow after that.” “I have a rather large yard. I’ll pay you accordingly, of course.” That sounded promising. His name was Mr. Hartinger, and he wrote his address on a scrap of paper and arranged for me to mow his yard the next Monday after baseball practice. My fee was to be decided when I’d had a look at the size of his lawn, which sounded fair enough.

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I was pleased as I walked away from my brief meeting with Mr. Hartinger. I had $5 in my pocket and I’d just picked up a new yard to mow. Things were looking up. If my performance on the baseball field would improve, I’d be all set. I didn’t put my shirt on right away, but allowed my torso to dry a bit under the shade of the trees that hovered over the sidewalk in most places. Only when I reached the business district did I put my shirt back on, and even then I felt sticky and damp. I’d mostly forgotten about Angel Egler’s piercing gaze. With money in pocket, I headed straight for my favorite shop. The sleigh bells attached to the door rang as I entered the world of treasures that was Whitney’s Antiques. There was nothing in the shop that wasn’t old. The building itself was constructed just before the Civil War and the old floorboards creaked as one walked among the tables, dressers, and other items of furniture found everywhere in the shop. “Well, hello, Kurt. How are you today?” asked an old, familiar voice. “I’m just fine, Mrs. Whitney. How are you?” “Not bad. Not bad. I just bought a few quilts and several boxes of Victorian porcelain at an auction last weekend, so I’m keeping busy going through it all.” Mrs. Whitney had already unpacked several plates, bowls, cups, and serving pieces onto an old kitchen table. All the pieces were beautifully decorated and looked extremely fragile. I put my hands behind my back to avoid even the slightest risk of coming into contact with any of them. “They’re very pretty.” “They’re very cheap now too, but, mark my word, someday they will be quite valuable.” I admired the china a bit more, not only to please Mrs. Whitney, but because I was interested in all old things, and china that was that old seemed like something from ancient times. I soon found myself drawn to the large case on the counter that held coins, my true love. There, each in its own clear, hard plastic holder, was a variety of pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters, half-dollars, and silver dollars. I browsed Mrs. Whitney’s selection of coins quite frequently, so I recognized many of them on sight, such as the 1923 Peace Dollar and the 1928 Standing Liberty Quarter. I never had enough money to buy all I wanted (because I pretty much wanted everything in that case), but it was always exciting when I had a few dollars to spend on another coin for my collection. My eyes locked on something new, something I’d never seen the likes of before. I opened the lid and pulled out a coin of most unusual design. It looked something like a quarter, but was thicker and not as big around. On one side was

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a profile of a man who looked like he had a ram’s horn coming out the side of his head, and on the other was another man, sitting on a chair. There was strange lettering running around the reverse of the coin. “Mrs. Whitney?” I asked. “What’s this?” Mrs. Whitney left her unpacking to walk over and take a look at the coin in my hand. “Oh,” she said excitedly, “I wondered when you’d notice that. It’s a silver Tetradrachm of Alexander the Great.” “Alexander the Great?” I asked, astounded. “But he lived hundreds of years ago. How old is this coin?” There was no date upon it like the Indian head pennies and buffalo nickels I usually collected. “Well, I’m not exactly sure. They didn’t date coins back then like they do now, but it was minted during his life time, and he died in 323 B.C.” My jaw just about hit the floor. I was holding something in my hand over 2,000 years old. It was unthinkably old and the most beautiful thing I’d ever beheld. I wanted it more than I’d ever wanted anything, but surely it was worth hundreds and hundreds of dollars. “How much is it?” I asked. “It’s not priced like the others.” I almost feared to ask. I knew it would break my heart when she told me the price. It had to be far, far beyond my means. “That’s because I wanted you to have the first chance at it. I bought it with you in mind. I know how you love coins, and this one is very special. If you like it, you can have it for just what I paid for it, $15.” “That’s all?” I asked. “Only $15? I would have thought it would’ve cost far more.” “Oh, it is worth more, likely twice that. I picked it up at an auction for a song because no one else realized what it was. I doubt anyone around here will recognize it either. When I saw it, I just knew you’d be interested.” “It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life.” Mrs. Whitney grinned. “I’ve only got $5 now, but could I pay for it in installments?” “Of course, my dear.” I grinned from ear to ear. I’d have to mow more lawns to pay it off, but that coin would be mine! I gazed at it for another moment and handed it to Mrs. Whitney. “No, dear, you take it with you. I trust you to pay me for it when you can.” “Thank you so much, Mrs. Whitney!” I said. I actually gave her a hug.

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I pulled the five-dollar bill out of my pocket and handed it to her. “Here’s the first $5. I’m mowing another lawn in just a few days, so I’ll be able to pay you another $5 soon.” Mrs. Whitney wrote out a receipt and moments later I was walking out of her shop with a true treasure in my pocket. It was all I could do to keep from pulling it out and looking at it, but I feared losing it. Part of me wanted to remove it from its case to touch it, too, but I knew that a coin was damaged a bit each time it was touched, and I wanted to keep my Alexander the Great coin in as good a condition as possible. I never dreamed I’d own such a thing! I was going to take it straight home and keep it safe there forever. I was tempted to take it to school with me the next day to show Tommy and the others, but that was too risky. I’d show it to Tommy, but I’d bring him to my house to do so. I smiled and was so happy I thought I might just be able to float home instead of walk. ✶

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Friday night found me standing along the west wall of the gym, dressed up more than was comfortable. I went to most dances, but I often left at the end of the evening wondering why I bothered. I wasn’t about to ask a girl to dance, and I was a little afraid that one would ask me. I usually had a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach, and yet there was something about the music and the whole atmosphere of a dance I enjoyed. I didn’t dance, but I enjoyed just drinking punch and seeing my teammates and classmates in a different environment. My heart just about stopped when I spotted Angel. I’d never seen him at a dance before. He had on a nice white dress shirt and black slacks, and his blond hair was tied back in a ponytail like always. But he looked so different he seemed an entirely new boy, and I couldn’t take my eyes off him. He was breathtaking; that’s the only way to describe how he looked. My whole world came crashing down around me the moment I set eyes on him. Had the entire gym collapsed and fallen on me, it wouldn’t have been any more shocking or disturbing—the realization that struck inside my own head as just as powerful and devastating. A single thought popped into my mind and changed me forever: Angel was beautiful. I just stood there in a daze for several moments. I felt like I’d been transported to a different time and place, or into another dimension or reality or something. I suddenly felt like I wasn’t me anymore. I wasn’t comfortable inside my own body. My hands began to sweat and a feeling like nervousness, yet not nervous-

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ness, crept through my body. I was disoriented and my peers, who’d been so entertaining a few moments before, seemed frightening. I turned and rushed from the gym, ducking into the locker room. I need privacy. Something had just happened to me. Something had just clicked into place and I couldn’t handle it. In a blinding flash of self-illumination I understood many things about myself that had previously been a mystery. So many things suddenly fit I was completely overwhelmed. I sank down onto a bench by the lockers and put my head in my heads. I realized then I was shaking. A puzzle had suddenly been completed, a puzzle I didn’t even know I’d been working on. I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I’d been wondering about things, without knowing I was wondering. In a split second I’d been changed, or rather I’d been revealed to myself. I now knew why I felt no attraction to girls, even though I’d ripped through puberty. I now knew why guy talk in the locker room made me uncomfortable and why I was different from every single one of my friends. My brother had always said I was a freak of nature. Oh God, he was right! I wanted to cry, but I didn’t want anyone to see. They’d know if I’d been crying. I had to hold it off, hold back the tears until I could be alone with no chance of anyone seeing me. The locker room wasn’t safe enough, someone could come in at any second. I steeled myself against the overpowering emotions that were trying to overwhelm me. I’d think about this later; not now, later. I had to escape. I made my way out of the locker room and headed for the nearest exit. Angel spotted me. He headed in my direction! I was in a panic. He was the last person I wanted to face. I hurried toward the door with him hard on my heels. Once out, I ran, but Angel was after me. He snagged my arm and my inertia whipped me around. I was on the verge of tears. They were too hard to hold back. Was he attacking me? What was going on? “Let go of me!” I shouted. My fist lashed out and connected with his hard stomach. My eyes widened. I’d hit him! I’m actually dared to punch Angel Egler in the stomach! What had I done? I was dead meat. Angel doubled over. He never saw it coming. He released my arm and clutched his stomach. I bolted while I had the chance. If he got hold of me, he’d kill me. I’d caught a glimpse of Adam in the doorway, just as I turned to run, but I didn’t hear him pursuing me. I wasn’t about to look back to make sure. The rest of Angel’s and Adam’s buddies were somewhere in the gym. It wouldn’t take Angel long to round them up and come after me. They’d hunt me down and kill me when they found out I’d dared to punch one of their gang. I ran on in sheer terror. The thing was, the fear of get-

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ting beat senseless was nothing compared with the revelation I’d had in the gym. Next to it, it just didn’t matter. Maybe they would kill me. Maybe it would be a good thing. I was probably better off dead. I didn’t want to go home, because if Mom and Dad noticed I’d been crying they’d ask questions—questions I didn’t want to answer. I lost control the moment I punched Angel. I’d barely turned from him when the tears just came rolling out. Sobs escaped my lips as I ran as fast as humanly possible. My brother said that sometimes life kicks you in the butt, but life had just smashed me in the face with a 2-by-4. I didn’t know how I was going to come back from this. I didn’t think I could. It was terminal. I didn’t know where to run. I couldn’t go home, not yet. It was far too early to be returning from the dance. I need to go someplace where I could be alone, where no one would find me. I thought about the baseball dugout, but it was too near the school. Couples would probably slip away from the dance to make out there. No, the dugout was no good. The cemetery. That was it. No one went there at night, no one in his right mind anyway. I wasn’t in my right mind, so it would be the perfect place for me to think. By the time I got there I was gasping for breath, but my tears had stopped. I stood before the massive iron gates wondering if hiding out in the graveyard was such a good idea after all. I looked up and read “Blackford Cemetery” written on the overhead arch in big metal letters. My heart pounded and I wasn’t sure it was all from running hard. I looked through the gates and saw tombstones of various shapes and sizes, looking eerie in the moonlight. I guess that should’ve come as no surprise. What was eerier than a graveyard at night? I summoned my courage and pushed open one of the heavy metal gates. It screeched with a sound that only metal on metal could manage, loud enough to wake the dead. I banished that thought from my mind as quickly as possible. I believed in ghosts, so a cemetery was a more frightening place for me than it was for nonbelievers. I figured ghosts mainly hung around old houses and places like that, however. At least, if I was a ghost, that’s where I’d be hanging out. Who would want to just stick around a graveyard all the time? Boring! I wasn’t bored as I walked a short distance into the cemetery. I was too occupied with trembling in fear. I did not go far. I wanted solitude; I wanted to hide myself in case Angel and the others were looking for me, but I didn’t want to go any farther into the old graveyard than I needed to. I sat down on a bench in the dark shadow cast by an old cedar. I could see the gate, the comforting exit from the world of the dead when viewed from this side, but no one could see me.

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My breathing calmed as I sat on the cool stone bench. I reminded myself that I had nothing to fear in the cemetery. It was merely the thought that was frightening. The dead were not going to rise up as zombies and pull me down into a grave or something. Just like FDR once said, “There is nothing to fear, but fear itself,” or something like that. I needed to think, but I didn’t want to. Some things were just too disturbing to think about. I pushed the most disturbing thoughts in my mind to the side and concentrated instead on self-preservation. Angel Egler was gonna kick my sorry butt at the next opportunity. No doubt about it. What’s more, that whole gang would be after me. If you messed with one of those guys, you messed with them all, and I’d just been stupid enough to do it when I punched Angel Egler. How was I going to get out of this mess? I sat there and gave some serious thought to giving myself up. If I sought out Angel and just surrendered to him, perhaps he’d go a little easier on me. Even if he didn’t, I’d get it over with. It would be a logical course of action. Angel wasn’t going to forget I’d punched him in the stomach, and there was no way I could avoid him forever. Blackford was far too small for that. Even if I didn’t go to school with him I’d have little chance to hide. As it was, I often saw him in the locker room and the showers. I’d be a sitting duck. I had to go find Angel and let him do whatever he was going to do. That’s the only thing that made sense. So why was I still sitting on the bench? The answer to that was easy enough. I was scared. No, make that terrified. There were plenty of rumors about Angel floating around school, and if only half of them were true I was dead meat. He’d hurt me and hurt me badly. Was I a coward for wanting to avoid that? I couldn’t avoid it, though. I couldn’t. He’d get me one way or another. I knew that, but I just could not make myself march to my doom. I couldn’t. Maybe Angel would even calm down a bit with the passing of time. If I could elude him for a few days, then maybe he wouldn’t hurt me quite so badly. Perhaps I was only deluding myself, but if there was any chance of a lesser beating, it was worth a shot. I relaxed a fraction once the decision was made. There’d be no beating for Kurt tonight, unless I got caught by Angel or the gang before I made it home. That wasn’t a comforting thought, but it was dark and I doubted they’d be able to find me, even if they were bothering to look yet. They might not be too concerned about it. After all, I wouldn’t be that hard to grab. I looked around me at the graves and the old dead flowers upon them and nearly laughed. At any other time, I would have been shaking with fright sitting

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there in the middle of the dead, but what awaited me outside the gates was so much scarier that ghosts held no terror for me. I might have changed my mind if one suddenly arose from a grave, but that didn’t happen. I sat there until enough time had passed that it wouldn’t look like I’d left the dance almost as soon as it had begun. I stood and walked past the graves and then out the gate, carefully closing it as I did so. The grating noise of metal on metal didn’t seem so ominous this time. I walked home in darkness, wishing I had a way to wash away the tear streaks that were surely still upon my cheeks. Every sound, every rustle made my heart race. Each time I feared it was Angel or one of the gang about to jump me. I wanted to run home, but I knew I’d be running in sheer terror. It was like a dream; if I ran I’d be pursued; the terror was in the running. I forced myself to walk, and after what seemed hours, I opened the front door. I lucked out and made it to my room without either of my parents getting a look at me. I managed to steady my voice enough to yell, “I’m home,” into the living room as I ran up the stairs. It was a good thing I’d taken some time to calm myself in the cemetery. As it was, my voice was still a bit shaky. I closed the door to my room, safe at last from my parents. If only I could be safe from Angel and the others so easily. If only I could be safe from what assailed me from within my own mind. One thing at a time, Kurt, let’s not think about that yet. I quickly stripped out of my dressy clothes and hurried into the bathroom for a shower. I wanted to erase all evidence of my tears. A few minutes with a soapy washcloth in the shower was all it took. The warm soapy water created another problem for me, one that reminded me of the horrible thoughts that had assailed me in the gym. I felt a desperate need to touch myself…down there, but I would not give in. I stepped out of the shower and wiped the steam off the mirror with a towel. I stared into my own eyes. I was looking at a monster. My great-great granddaddy Jesse James had shot people dead, but I was far worse than he was. I thought Angel was beautiful. That’s not something one boy was supposed to think about another. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t right at all. That’s something boys thought about girls, not about other boys. It was truly disturbing to discover how seriously I was messed up. This was the kind of thing that got people sent off to the mental hospital. I didn’t want to go there. They gave people electric shocks in there, didn’t they? Why did I have to be the one boy in the entire world who was all screwed up like this? My brother talked about queers. He hated them. I’d heard some veiled

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references in the locker room about guys who liked other guys as if they were girls, but I never thought it was real. Guys like that were like werewolves or ghouls or something. They didn’t really exist. They were just fictional monsters that people made up stories about to be scary. But now, here I was looking at my reflection in the mirror, realizing that I was a monster—a freak, a genetic error that had somehow risen from humanity. If anyone found out they’d probably take me away and do experiments on me to see what’d gone wrong with me. Maybe they’d even cut me up so they could see how my genes had gone haywire. They’d sacrifice me to make sure it never happened to anyone else. Maybe not, though. They didn’t cut up other people with birth defects; at least I didn’t think so. Then again, my defect was a whole lot worse than any other. No one could see it just looking at me, but it was there. I wanted it to just go away. I wanted it to disappear as quickly as it’d come, but I knew it hadn’t suddenly appeared. It had been there all along, like a heart defect that suddenly made a high-school athlete drop dead while he was running. No one saw it, but it’d always been there and no one knew until it killed him. My defect was like that. I was probably born with it, carrying it around all the years of my life until a good look at Angel made me recognize it. I wished I’d never set eyes on him. I didn’t want to know this about myself. Ignorance is bliss. Both my ignorance and bliss were gone now. I was a homosexual, a homo, a fag. I was never going to be happy again. I knew that for sure. How could I be? For the rest of my life, I’d be like Frankenstein’s monster, hiding myself from the world. I wasn’t disfigured and ugly on the outside. I looked like any other fifteen-year-old boy, but on the inside there was something so hideous I dared not reveal it to anyone. I thought for a few moments about Tyler and Tanner, the Nudo twins. They got teased some because of their last name, but that wasn’t the worst. My brother wasn’t the only one who thought there was something going on between them— something unnatural. They were really close and always together. They were pretty well liked, and no one repeated the rumors to their faces, but I’d heard talk—stuff like them sleeping naked together and taking turns being a girl for the other. It was disturbingly similar to what I was now thinking about myself. I shoved it out of my mind for the time being. I didn’t want to think about it. I had way too much to think on as it was. Angel! I couldn’t believe I’d punched him in the stomach! It happened so fast I almost didn’t even know what I was doing. If I’d thought about it, I would have never been that brave, or stupid. I’d signed my own death sentence when I hit him, but I hadn’t wanted Angel to see my tears. That’s part of the reason I

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resisted his grip so violently. Part of me was angry with him, too. He’s the one who had brought my ugliness to the surface. He’s the one who shattered the illusion that I was normal. Because of him, I’d never know happiness again. I guess my reasons didn’t matter. I’d punched him in the gut and there was no taking it back. The consequences were coming. They were unavoidable. An hour ago, the thought of Angel and Adam and their gang marking me for a beating would’ve been the worst possible thing I could imagine, but now it paled by comparison to what I’d come to realize about myself. I was scared—terrified, but it almost didn’t matter. Angel was only the beginning.

C H A P T E R ▼

3

Lost Soul

I had the whole weekend to think about what had happened at the dance. It was the worst weekend of my life. I tried to think about baseball and coin collecting, but those loves of my life seemed almost unreal. They were thoughts I couldn’t quite grasp, images I couldn’t quite picture. Perhaps it was part of my punishment for being what I was. I’d been given fifteen years to enjoy my life, but now the ax had fallen, and I was walking through the gates of Hell. There would be no more happiness, no more joy. I was a lost soul. At least my dreams were free of torment. Like most dreams, I couldn’t remember much, but vague images of a ghost town were still in my head. There were two people in the dream, boys I think, although I wouldn’t have bet on even that. It was kind of like I was one of them, but then it was also like I was watching it all from above, or from a distance. That was all I could remember. I’d always wished I could remember my dreams clearly, but I’d never been able to do more than snatch confused fragments from my mind. I wanted more than ever to be able to remember my dreams, because I had the feeling that only my unconscious hours would be bearable. I wished I could just go to sleep and dream forever. I feared Angel and the gang, so I didn’t leave the confines of my own yard for the entire weekend. I spent most of my time in my very own room, wrestling with my demons. I felt like a demon myself, newly born into the world for some unknown purpose. What could a creature like me do with his life? I was doomed

- 30 -

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to be different, and I realized as I paced back and forth in my room just what that meant. Was I really doomed, however? Was I truly a homo? I felt like I hadn’t been one before my eyes fell on Angel at the dance. No, that wasn’t quite true. You can lie to others, Kurt, but you can’t lie to yourself. When my brother had talked about the Nudo twins I was intrigued. Part of me was excited by the images that had formed in my mind. I’d wondered what a blow job was like—for the person giving it. I wouldn’t admit it to myself then, but I wanted to be the one down on his knees. I didn’t like all the guy talk in the locker room. I’d told myself it was because it made me feel like a little kid, but that wasn’t quite true. I had no interest in girls, but it wasn’t because I was slow to mature, it was because I liked guys instead. It was an unspeakable evil and therefore I hadn’t let myself think those thoughts. I guess I hadn’t changed into a homo in mere moments. I’d always been one. I’d just never been forced to admit it to myself. When I looked at Angel…my heart began to sing. That’s the only way I can put it. I’d never felt a feeling so wonderful before, but the realization that came with it caused me pain and tormented me still. Life was easy for most people. Sure, there was a lot of uncertainty, but it was 1952 and things were mostly good. My parents and grandparents talked of living through the depression, a horrible time when jobs were scarce and money scarcer. They’d struggled on with little more than hope through those years, but all that was over. Most boys my age had a pretty certain future. They’d graduate from high school, get a good job, marry, and have kids. Maybe they’d even go on to college. It wasn’t going to be so easy for me. How was I going to have a family when I was wired wrong, when I was looking at boys the way I should’ve been looking at girls? I’d never given a flying fig for girls. I mean they were okay to talk to and like that, but for kissing and all that stuff? No way! If that’s what marriage was all about, I didn’t want any part of it. And yet, part of me did want a wife and kids. That’s what I was supposed to want, right? Wasn’t a wife, kids, a nice house, and a white picket fence the dream? Could I have that when I was all screwed up? To be honest, I didn’t understand a lot of what went on between guys and girls. I knew the facts of life—sort of. My parents had never explained them to me, but I knew they had something to do with the guy sticking his thing in a girl, although I wasn’t entirely sure where it was supposed to go. I didn’t even like thinking about it. I’d never seen a girl naked and I didn’t want to, so the female

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body was kind of a mystery to me. I knew they had big chests, anyone could see that, and I knew they didn’t have what guys had, which seemed kind of a rip off for girls, but I didn’t really know any more than that. I’d picked up what little I knew in the locker room and showers, listening to the other guys talk. Even there, I didn’t learn much, because I didn’t like hearing that stuff. Well, part of it I liked and I now knew why, but I didn’t like thinking about that because it was just further proof I was a freak. Most of the guys talked about blow jobs, an act I’d only recently come to understand. Before, I thought it had something to do with a girl blowing on a guy’s thing. I didn’t really see where that could be all that great, but the perverted part of me liked thinking about my teammates having their things out for a girl to blow on. I should’ve realized what I’d been thinking, but maybe I didn’t want to realize it. Now that I understood what a blow job really was I found it far more intriguing. What’s more, I wanted to do it. I closed my eyes tightly and grimaced. How could I even think something like that? I really was a pervert. And yet it filled me with excitement that was made obvious by my own body. I got hard a lot, and it felt really good. When it happened to some boy in the showers at school, the other boys laughed and teased him about it. It happened to Derek Spradley all the time, but then he was always talking about naked girls. It seemed to be okay if you were talking about girls. It pretty much happened to all of us at one time or another, so the taunts weren’t too vicious. Everyone knew he could be next. There was obviously something significant about it, however, something private and forbidden, even dirty. I felt like my mind was rewiring itself. It was hooking up things I thought about other boys to my private parts. When the thoughts got into my head, my body responded, and it felt good—so good it seemed an irresistible force, but I wanted to resist. I didn’t want pleasure connected with my perversion. How could I overcome it, if it was connected to something that felt so good? I was probably kidding myself about changing, though. I was damned. Then again, I didn’t know that for sure. It was just a feeling. This was all unexplored territory. I didn’t really know anything about it—nothing at all, so who was I to say I couldn’t change? Maybe it was even temporary. That thought gave me hope. Maybe I could beat this thing. Maybe I could force it out of myself, like my body forced out sickness with a fever. I wished there was some kind of pill to help me, but even if there was I couldn’t ask for it. I could just picture myself asking old Dr. Newberry about that. He’d probably keel right over, or worse, tell my parents. No, I had to go this alone.

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It was going to be tough, though. My mind and body had teamed up against me. Even as I thought about it, they were tempting me to further perversion. My private parts were feeling really good, and it was because I was thinking of boys. I knew I should not give in, but the temptation was powerful. I was beginning to think about what Sam had once revealed to me. Well, that makes it sound like he confided some big secret when actually I walked in on him. It was sure a big shock. I was about eleven or twelve and Sam fourteen or fifteen when I burst into the room to find him sitting on the edge of his bed with his shorts and boxers around his ankles and his hand stroking his thing. I’d seen him naked before, but never hard. I bet I turned completely red, although Sam’s face was redder. When I asked what he was doing, he just said it was something all older guys do, because it felt good. He also told me never to mention it again and threatened to beat me if I told Mom and Dad. Not a word more was said about it—ever, but later on when my teammates started talking about jerking off, I put two and two together and figured out that was what I’d caught Sam doing. I’d never done it myself because it seemed dirty, although I’d thought about it more than once. Now, I was thinking about it a whole lot. It was like I needed to do it—not just wanted, needed. Was I completely losing control? My mind was flooding with images: mental pictures of naked and nearly naked boys. It was like I’d been storing them up in my mind without knowing and now they were pouring out to torment me. Seeing Angel as beautiful had broken a dam within my mind, and I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to repair it. I thought of Angel naked in the showers, the hot water pouring off his lean, muscular body. It drove me insane. The pleasurable feeling in my private parts intensified, but it was kind of painful, too. It wasn’t pain like a burn or a stomach ache or something like that. It wasn’t even really pain. It didn’t hurt, and yet it was a feeling similar to that. I wanted it to go away; at the same time I wanted it to go on forever. What kind of hell was I trapped in? I went outside and walked around the yard. I didn’t trust myself alone just then. Pacing around the yard allowed me privacy for my thoughts, but Mom, Dad, Ida, or Sam could be watching from the windows, so temptation was kept at bay. The grass was neatly trimmed all around the house. Sam had recently mowed, since it was his turn. The roses weren’t blooming yet, but they were sprouting leaves and continuing their climb up the trellis right to the room I shared with Sam—the very room where I’d walked in on him so long ago. I put my head in my hands. Did every sight have to bring me back to my torment? I walked under the great maple trees and the even larger oaks, some of

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them so big I couldn’t begin to reach around them. In the largest oak, in the backyard, was the tree house. It belonged to both Sam and me, but he didn’t use it much anymore. Ida had never been interested in it. She’d had her own playhouse by the garage, complete with frilly curtains and toy dishes. Dad had built the tree house for us guys when we were both little, not too long after he built the playhouse for Ida. It sat twenty feet off the ground and was reached by a ladder made out of old boards nailed into the tree. In places, thick branches served as footholds, right up to the trap door. Once inside, the door could be closed and locked, providing total security and privacy. Many secret meetings had been held there, some by me and some by my brother. I wasn’t allowed in when he was with his friends, but then he wasn’t allowed in the tree house when I was with mine. He acted like he didn’t care, but I knew it bugged him. I climbed the tree in the cool March air. April was coming soon and last years’ leaves were falling, tiny new ones taking their place. I climbed up and up to the dizzying heights until I finally made it to the trap door. When I was younger, the tree house seemed higher, but it was still plenty far up there. I pushed hard against the door and lifted it open with my shoulder. I stepped onto the safety of the hardwood floor and let the trap door fall shut. Once that door closed and I’d bolted it, I felt completely safe. We weren’t allowed in the tree house during storms, mainly because of the danger from lightning, but even when the wind blew hard, the tree house barely moved. It was built solidly. I knew nothing could get to me once I was inside. I opened the windows that looked in each direction, and a gentle breeze blew the blue and white checked curtains. Mom had made them for us years ago. I sat down on the large piece of foam rubber we used for a bed. It was wider than the bed in my room and about as comfy. An extra-large and thick pillow, covered with a sturdy tan and blue striped cloth sat on the bed. I placed it against the wall and leaned back against it, taking in the sight of the bare plywood and assorted treasures of comic books, old bottles, and interesting rocks. My mind went back to a couple of weeks before when Derek Spradley had stayed the night with me in the tree house. He went on and on about girls, of course, but now I was picturing him lying there in just his boxers, his naked skin golden in the light of the old oil lamp. Derek was like most of us on the team— slim and lean and lithe. He had muscles, but they weren’t really big. In my mind I fixed on his boxers and the slight bulge in them that’d grown as he talked of girls. I hadn’t even thought much on it that night not so long ago, but it was sure

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clear in my mind now. My own shorts grew tighter with the thought of it. Would my torment never cease? I fought it. I swear I fought it as hard as I could, but a few moments later I was sitting there with my shorts and boxers around my ankles doing what I’d seen my brother do all those years before. I kept my eyes screwed shut, and I can’t even tell about the images flooding my mind. Trust me; you really don’t want to know. The whole thing only lasted about 30 seconds, if that long, but at the end my entire body sort of tingled. It was like pure joy just ripped all the way through me, and I cried out loud. The moment I was done, fear and despair settled back on me. I lay back, panting a little, feeling disgusted with myself. Mostly I was just plain afraid because something had happened that I didn’t think was supposed to happen. I’d squirted something on my stomach and I wondered if I’d hurt myself. Maybe I was gonna die or something. I cleaned it off quickly and covered my nakedness. I wanted to ask someone about what’d just happened, but who could I ask about something like that? I sure couldn’t tell anyone what I’d done. It hadn’t happened when I saw my brother. Of course, he’d stopped as soon as I walked in and had hidden his nakedness. I couldn’t remember reading anything about it when I’d looked through the books on puberty. That’d been quite a while back, however, so maybe I’d just forgotten. Well, if I was gonna die, I was gonna die and that would solve all my problems for me I guessed, although I didn’t really want to die just yet. What had happened to my life? All of a sudden one problem was stacked on top of another. I just knew they were going to fall on me and crush me into the dirt. One thing was for sure. I was not going to do what I’d just done—never again. Apart from the fact that I might’ve hurt myself, the images that ran through my head while I was doing it were exactly those I had to avoid. It was pure perversion and I had to fight it with all my willpower if I was going to defeat this thing. The pleasurable and painful feeling in my private parts was gone now, and I felt like I could cope. I promised God I’d never touch myself like that again. That would keep me from doing it for sure. Promises to God were not made lightly. ✶

✶

✶

✶

The hallways at school had never seemed quite so intimidating or dangerous before. I felt like I was walking down dark alleys in a big city, instead of between rows of lockers with lots of other kids around. My eyes darted past poodle skirts,

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letterman’s jackets and sweaters, searching for what I did not want to see—Angel, Adam, or any of their gang. I even found myself sticking close to Tommy and other members of the team, hoping their presence would shield me. I guess I didn’t have to be quite so afraid in the halls. It was unlikely I’d get jumped there. There were too many witnesses, and there were teachers roaming around. Still, I couldn’t help but keep a lookout for trouble. As I was heading for study hall, just after lunch, Adam plowed into me, sending my books flying and my butt to the floor. He didn’t say a word, but gave me a quick glare that let me know I was dead meat. No one messed with Adam’s gang without paying for it. Adam’s gang. That made it sound like they all wore matching black leather jackets or something. They weren’t like that. They didn’t have a name like the Cobras or the Scorpions, they didn’t have a gang sign or handshake or whatever, at least as far as I knew. They all wore letterman’s jackets, but then so did a lot of us. They weren’t a gang like a big-city gang, but they were every bit as dangerous in my opinion. Maybe they were even more dangerous because they went around looking like pretty much everyone else. They didn’t have a name, but every single kid in school knew exactly who was a part of Adam’s little group, and who wasn’t. My butt hurt as I gathered my books up. My ego hurt even more. It was never cool to be on the receiving end of harassment. It was usually reserved for the nerds, and having it happen to me kind of took me down to their level. I didn’t look down on the nerds myself, or even think of them as nerds, but like it or not, there was a class system in our school and nerds were a part of it. “That guy’s a jerk.” A hand held out one of my books to me. My eyes traveled upward to set on Allen, the towel boy. Allen was one of the nerds, but it was funny how he was the only person out of the dozens passing who bothered to help me. “Tell me about it,” I said. “And thanks.” I was sincerely grateful for his small act of kindness. “I’ll see you after school,” he said, letting his eyes run down to my crotch the way he did every day when he was handing me a towel. He had a little grin on his face that let me know his glance at my package was a joke. For once, his attempt at humor was mildly successful. I wondered why Allen didn’t get his butt kicked on a regular basis. He checked out every guy’s stuff while handing out towels. Maybe it was because he made a joke of it. Yeah, the jokes were lame, sometimes even pathetic, but I found myself wondering every time I walked toward his station by the locker

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room what he’d say this time. He reused the same one-liners a lot, but he was forever changing his tone of voice or his expression to give his words new meaning. Allen was a character, a part of the setting of the locker room. If he wasn’t around, it just wouldn’t be the same. Maybe that’s why guys like Adam didn’t beat him senseless. During the entire day, I saw Angel only once in the halls. His expression was neutral as his eyes met mine. He didn’t scowl or frown, but then he didn’t smile either. For some reason, I think that was more frightening than it would’ve been if he’d shot me an I’m going to pound you look. Those deadpan eyes made me feel as if I was looking into the eyes of a killer or at least a boy who got his kicks from beating other boys senseless. I actually trembled a little as I walked away, dreading what was sure to come. At times during the day I forgot to be afraid, but then what I’d done and the likely consequences came back to me, intensifying my fear. Those moments of happiness were paid for dearly. I think my few minutes of blissful ignorance here and there actually made it worse. Then again, I don’t think I could’ve stood up under constant dread. I probably would’ve ended up going to Angel and asking him to go ahead and beat me into a pulp, just to get it over with. I knew that’s what I should do anyway, but I just couldn’t make myself. My instinct for self-preservation was too strong. The varsity team had already come and gone by the time I went into the locker room to change for practice. That was nearly always the case, but I feared Angel might stay behind just to get at me. I hoped my teammates would help me out if he started something, but I knew they might be too scared. Angel was formidable all on his own, and everyone knew he was part of Adam’s gang. Angel might not be alone either, and then I knew I was dead. There was no Angel in sight as I pulled off my clothes and slipped into my uniform. The locker room wasn’t the best place to get me anyway. Like the hallways, there were too many witnesses. The coaches wouldn’t put up with any funny business, that was for sure. The real danger would come if I didn’t get out of there before everyone else left. Walking home would be hazardous, too. I was probably lucky Angel didn’t get me on the way to school. I hadn’t even thought of that possibility. Maybe I’d start running to and from school instead of walking. I eyed the Nudo twins as I was changing. They stood so close together they were nearly touching. I don’t think I’d noticed how cute they were before. Their faces were downright pretty, and their bodies were sleek and firm. Their unruly

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black hair and brown eyes were really sexy. I felt myself getting excited and quickly looked away. I had to control myself. I had to beat this thing. There didn’t seem to be any safe place to rest my eyes. Tommy was changing straight across from me, bending over to dig into his locker, his bare butt poked in my direction. I moved my eyes to the left so as not to stare, but my gaze fell right on Derek’s crotch. Was a fifteen-year-old supposed to be that big? I quickly tore my eyes away, and they went straight back to the Nudo twins, both of whom were naked. My gaze dropped down momentarily. They really were identical. I forced my eyes back up, and they met Tyler’s. He gave me a slight, but knowing grin. He knew I’d just checked him and his brother out. I had to get myself under control. I faced my locker. It was the only safe direction. The hard metal door, painted dark blue, was the only thing I could look at that didn’t feed my perversion. My mind was still working overtime, though. Why had Tyler smiled at me when he knew I’d been looking at his stuff? Were the rumors about him and Tanner really true? The thought both repulsed and excited me. Images of them kissing each other flooded my mind even as I tried to force them out. Living in fear was anything but fun. I wished a thousand times I’d never punched Angel. Anyone with any sense at all knew better than to do something so stupid. I was supposed to be smart. How could I be such an idiot? It was almost like I’d gotten up that morning and thought: What can I do today to completely screw up my life? My batting was off during practice, but there was no surprise there. At least this time I had an excuse for performing poorly. Fear isn’t an aid to concentration, that’s for sure. I couldn’t get my mind off what was likely to happen to me. It was like having a dentist appointment or something waiting on me, only way worse. Angel was going to hurt me and hurt me badly. I’d never been beat up before, but I was quite sure I wouldn’t like it. Not knowing quite what he’d do to me made it worse. Angel and the others had a reputation for inventiveness and originality when it came to dealing out pain. They would probably have been right at home in a medieval torture chamber. The boys around me were messing up my concentration, too. My thoughts about Angel had opened up the floodgates. Once those thoughts of him had entered my mind, I started having thoughts about most of the boys around me. I’d never noticed before how many of my teammates had nice abs, or how nice their butts looked in their uniforms. My eyes were drawn to the front of their uniforms, too, and even their sinewy arms were suddenly fascinating to me. And the locker room…the less said about that the better. I tried to focus and ignore

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the hot boys around me, but it wasn’t working. The front of my own uniform grew tighter, and the fear someone would notice further messed me up. “What is your problem, Kurt? Have you forgotten everything you ever knew about baseball?” yelled Coach. I kind of felt like I had. “No, sir!” “Concentrate, boy! Focus! You’re sloppy! You might as well not even show up if you’re not going to try any harder than this!” The dressing down didn’t improve my performance. I was relieved when Coach told us to do laps. Those I could run without thinking. I had way too much on my mind. I lived in fear of Angel and his buddies, and I lived in greater fear of myself. I was determined to stamp out my newly discovered perversion, but it was already obvious that part of me wasn’t giving up without a fight. My own eyes didn’t seem to want to obey me. It was like the unnatural parts of me had staged a coup and taken control of most of my body. I knew they were in control of what was between my legs. I felt like someone was leading me around with a string tied around what was down there. I ran my laps hard—partly because I wanted to finish and get in and out of the showers and locker room before Angel and his buddies arrived and partly because the physical exertion cleared my head of my worries for a time. I found myself wishing I could just keep running as hard as I could forever, but my body couldn’t handle it for more than a few minutes. By the time I was finished, my heart pounded so hard I thought it might explode and my breath was coming in gasps. The showers. Terror consumed me at the thought of being in that small, steam-filled room, surrounded by my naked teammates. The locker room was dangerous enough, but the showers were a minefield of temptation. One wrong step and I’d pop a stiff one, forever marking myself as a homo. If that happened, getting my butt kicked by Angel might be the least of my worries. Okay, other guys got hard in the showers, but they didn’t have roving eyes like I did. It was a lethal combination. I finished my laps first and hurried into the locker room. I stripped and walked quickly to the showers. I considered just skipping my shower, but if Coach found out, he’d be on my butt all the more. I took what was probably the world’s quickest shower, although there was no one around to see. I was back in the locker room dressing before any of my teammates came in from the field. I’d dodged the bullet. If the perverted parts of me were going to fight for survival, there was no reason to make it easy on them. I could feel myself wanting to linger

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so I could see my teammates stuff, but I pulled on my shoes and headed out the door. I wasn’t giving my perverted side a chance. Just as I was leaving, Tyler whispered something to his brother, and then they both gazed at me. They were onto me. I just knew it. The thought made me tremble. If the rumors about them were true, they’d just be another temptation for the degenerate part of me. If they weren’t, the twins might feed me to the wolves. Maybe I was just being paranoid. Maybe they didn’t suspect anything at all. I made it out of the gym before anything happened. That’s when Adam spotted me and yelled, “There he is. Get him!” Adam, Angel, and the rest of the varsity baseball team were just coming in from practice. A few of them tore out after me, but they were a good fifty yards away when they spotted me, so I had a good head start. The varsity players were bigger and more muscular than I was, which worked to my advantage. I wasn’t as strong, but I was lighter. I didn’t have quite as much height or muscle to weigh me down. It gave me an edge. I think the fact I was running for my life helped me out, too. I was like a streak of lightning as I sped across the grass and onto the street. It took me less than a quarter mile to outdistance my pursuers. They gave up, no doubt deciding they’d get me another day. I’d escaped, but the problem was that I couldn’t evade capture forever. Sooner or later they’d get me. Even if I could keep escaping over and over for weeks, I didn’t think Angel would forgive or forget. However long it took, he’d nail me. It was only a question of sooner or later. It would be just like it was for my great-great granddaddy: They got him in the end. I wanted to get the heck out of Dodge before Angel and his buddies had a chance to shower and come looking for me, but I had a yard to mow, one that just might earn me considerably more than my usual $5 fee. I couldn’t just go into hiding and put my entire life on hold because I was afraid of getting my butt kicked. That would only make my situation worse, and things were bad enough already. I was safe for the time being, so I headed for the address Mr. Hartinger had written down for me that day he was waiting on me at the edge of the Schroeder’s yard. I wanted to make a good first impression so I brushed off my jeans and straightened my shirt as I neared Mr. Hartinger’s place. The numbers slowly grew as I walked north of Main Street. I was already in the 500 block and his address was 607 Clark Street. I came to a halt when I reached 607. Now that was a big yard! It had to be three times the size of the Schroeder’s yard and maybe more. I couldn’t tell

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exactly how big it was, because a high fence blocked off the view to the rear of the house. I’d soon find out, however, because Mr. Hartinger had told me to come around to the back of the house when I arrived. As I walked across the unruly lawn, I took note of the house. It looked like the Frank Lloyd Wright houses I’d seen in books. It was one story with a high peaked roof and looked like it had just kind of grown there instead of being built. The lower half of the walls was rough stone in a reddish-orange hue, and the upper parts were some dark wood I didn’t recognize. There were lots of windows and it was quite beautiful, even though it looked nothing like the Victorians that dominated Blackford. It looked almost modern in comparison and yet I had little doubt it was quite old. I found a gate to the left of the house, opened it, and walked in. There was no yard within the gate, but instead there was a beautiful garden about the size of the Schroeder’s yard. It was dominated by daffodils, tulips, shrubs, and other plants of interesting shapes I didn’t recognize. For someone who didn’t like yard work, Mr. Hartinger sure had one heck of a garden. The garden had kind of a wild look to it. By that I mean there weren’t any neat rows and not even much visible soil. Stone paths meandered through the garden, among the various plants, small fountains, and statuary. I stopped when my eyes fell on a stone statue of a Greek discus thrower. He was quite beautiful, and naked! “I see you’ve made it,” said Mr. Hartinger. I turned to see him standing on the rear porch of the house, which spread out into a patio of stone with planters of the same stone rising up here and there. Just like the house, the patio looked like it had just grown there. I liked the way the porch and patio flowed together. It was difficult to say where one ended and the other began. “This is beautiful,” I said. “Thank you. I spend a lot of time at home and like to be surrounded by beauty. Come, have a seat and we’ll discuss your position.” My position? Mr. Hartinger sure made “lawn boy” sound important. We took seats in large cushioned chairs stuffed with pillows. The patio was almost like an outdoor living room surrounded by a garden. I wondered if he took in the cushions when it rained. He’d almost have to, I guessed. “As I’m sure you’ve noticed, I have a sizable yard and it will take quite a while to mow. I’m willing to pay you well, however. Say $25 to start with.” My eyes grew wide. I would have mowed it for $15 and been happy about it. “If you’re interested, we can talk about you doing some garden work for me, too. There’s plenty of it.”

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“Yeah, I’m interested.” “Good. I’m sure you’re a busy boy, so you can start with the yard, and when you’re finished we can talk about you coming back to work in the garden.” “Sounds great, Mr. Hartinger!” I said. This was working out better than anticipated. I could finish paying Mrs. Whitney for my prize coin and still have $15 left over. I’d be rich! “Call me Ryan.” “Okay, great…Ryan.” It felt a little strange calling an adult by his first name, but it was cool, too. Mr. Hartinger…I mean Ryan…showed me to a large garden shed that sat half in the garden and half in the yard. It was made of dark wood like the house and had nice big windows to let in plenty of light. It was all neat and tidy inside and was filled with clay pots, planters, watering cans and garden tools of every description. I was struck by how organized everything was. There was even a comfortable looking red leather chair that looked like it belonged in a rich man’s library, but also looked quite at home in the garden shed. Shed wasn’t exactly the name for it. I could’ve lived in there! There was even electricity and running water. A double sink was located under one of the windows looking out on the garden. It felt all homey and comfortable in there. The door to the garden side was wooden, with an outer screen door that allowed a nice breeze in. There was an identical door straight across from it and a larger door at one end. There, behind a large old cupboard filled with gardening books, magazines, and more tools was the lawn mower. It wasn’t even visible from the rest of the shed. Ryan showed me how to work the large door. I hadn’t seen one quite like it before. The upper and lower halves could be opened independently, or together. He opened the door, and I pulled the mower out. “I’ll leave you to it. I’ll probably be in the garden when you’re done. If not, just look for me in the house; the doors are unlocked. It hardly seems necessary in Blackford. I’ll have something cool to drink ready for you, and your pay, of course.” “Thank you, sir.” Ryan smiled and mussed my hair. He turned and walked back through the shed into the garden. The mower started on the very first pull. It was a John Deere and obviously well cared for. I knew it was going to take a long time to mow that big yard, but I was making more money than I ever had for mowing a yard, even taking into account the size. I really like Ryan, too. He was a lot cooler than most adults.

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I soon grew hot, even though there were large trees at the edges of the yard that shaded a good deal of it. I pulled my shirt off and tucked it into my jeans. I liked to have my shirt off when I worked or just whenever I got hot. I didn’t mind heat, but I didn’t care for the sensation of a wet shirt sticking to me. It didn’t take as long to mow the yard as I thought it might, mainly because there were few obstacles. Ryan’s yard was not gnome infested like the Schroeder’s, thank God. Still, it took well over an hour—probably close to an hour and a half—for me to finish. I was quite sweaty as I pulled the mower back into the shed, and quite tired, too. The red leather chair looked inviting, but I continued on into the garden to find Ryan sunning himself in one of the large chairs we’d sat in earlier. He had his shirt off and I felt myself getting excited—too excited. I was afraid Ryan would notice. My mood crashed to the ground. I was such a pervert. Ryan was old enough to be my dad, and there I was getting turned on by him. He did have nice chest, and I liked the hair on it. Ryan had lots of hair. Adam only had a little, but Ryan had it over most of his chest. I pushed my perv thoughts out of my mind and focused on the fact that I had a new, high-paying job. I couldn’t let my thoughts linger on anything unnatural, if I was going to beat this thing. “You look hot,” said Ryan. “Just a minute and I’ll be back with something to drink. You like lemonade?” “Oh, yeah, that would be great! I’m burning up.” “Have a seat and I’ll be right back.” I sat down, hoping I didn’t get the cushions wet with the sweat that was running off my back. Ryan looked kind of sweaty sitting there tanning, so I guessed it was okay if I sat there. He’d told me to sit down, after all. Ryan was back soon with a pitcher of pink lemonade and two glasses filled with ice. There were even little sprigs of mint in the glasses. I gratefully accepted a glass. “This is wonderful,” I said after taking my first taste. I quickly finished it off. “Here, let me pour you another. Mowing is thirsty work. Oh and before I forget…” Ryan pulled a two tens and a five out of his pocket, handed them to me, and then refilled my glass. The lemonade and ice were nice and cool, and I held the glass against my forehead. “Now let’s talk about you becoming my gardener,” said Ryan.

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Ryan explained what taking care of his garden entailed while we sat there and drank glass after glass of lemonade. Ryan was really cool, especially for a guy his age. As we talked he looked at my bare chest a lot, and once his gaze dipped lower. I didn’t know if it meant anything or not, but it kind of excited me, as did the sight of his muscles. I worked hard to focus on what he was saying and not let my perv side take control. Once again I wished I’d never set eyes on Angel Egler. The light was beginning to fail as I left, but Mom and Dad knew I was mowing an especially large lawn, so they wouldn’t be worried. I took a moment to stop by Whitney’s Antiques and pay off my Alexander the Great coin debt. Now it was truly mine! I nervously walked through town, praying I wouldn’t be spotted by Angel or Adam or any of the others. I considered running home, but I was sapped. All that work in the hot sun had sucked the energy right out of me. I was sweaty and smelly and dirty. All I wanted to do was go home, take a shower, and then take a nap. I was too exhausted to even consider my problems, and for that I was thankful.

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4

You Can Run, But You Can’t Hide

Mid-April “Strike one!” “Come on, Kurt, you can do it!” yelled Tommy. I wasn’t so sure about that. I was bad enough in practice, and this was a game that counted. The extra pressure wasn’t helping. I thanked God we were well ahead. If I struck out, it wouldn’t lose the game for us. Of course, it wouldn’t endear me to my teammates, either. Tyler was on deck. He came up behind me for a second, rubbed my shoulders, and said, “Just keep your eye on the ball, Kurt,” in his best imitation of Coach Marley. Tyler giggled and I grinned for just a moment despite the tension. Tyler touching me had created a new kind of tension. What was it with me? He’d only gripped my shoulders for a few seconds, and suddenly my cup was in danger of being shoved out of place. I shook myself. The pitcher was waiting, and he was not as pleasant as Tanner Nudo, who pitched during practice. Damn, the pitcher was kind of cute—short blond hair, green eyes…. Knock it off, Kurt! I readied myself as the pitcher wound up. The ball hurtled toward me. I swung and there was a whack (or some such sound as that). The ball flew up, I bolted for first, and… “Foul ball!” Didn’t it just figure?

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Another humiliating minute later found me heading back toward the bench. A chorus of, “You’ll get it next time, Kurt,” greeted me, but my attention was focused on the stands. Ryan was sitting there, his eyes upon me. He flashed me a big smile and nodded. Was he there just to watch me play? We’d talked about baseball some, but he never mentioned coming to any of my games. Maybe he was just a baseball fan and liked to watch us amateurs. I was embarrassed for him to see me strike out, but then a few dozen others had just witnessed my ineptitude, also. I wasn’t happy about that, but it was worse failing in front of Ryan because I both knew and liked him. I’d mowed his lawn a couple more times since that first day, and I’d worked in his garden a couple of days a week, too. Ryan was the friendliest adult I’d ever met. Mrs. Whitney was right up there with him, but Ryan was really cool with me and didn’t treat me like a kid. There was one problem with working for him. He was always dressed in khaki shorts and wore either a tank top or went shirtless. I was fascinated by his hairy, muscular chest. I’d seen a few older, hairy guys before, but they were overweight and nasty-hairy, if you know what I mean. Ryan had just the right amount of hair to make him look sexy and masculine, but not so much as to make him look like some kind of gorilla. I couldn’t help but steal glances at him whenever he was about, which was often. Whenever I worked in the garden, he was usually there with me almost the entire time, reading, puttering with the roses and hostas, or just sunning himself. Sometimes we talked, but mostly we just enjoyed a companionable silence. I think he liked me just being there. He probably got lonely at times, since he wasn’t married, didn’t have kids, or even pets. Well, he had some fish in an aquarium, but fish aren’t really good company. Just try talking to them if you don’t believe me. Ryan always had a smile for me, even just now when I’d pathetically stuck out. He definitely overpaid me, too. I would’ve been happy to mow his lawn for $15, despite the size, and he gave me $25. He paid me the same for a couple of hours or so of working in his garden. I’d opened a saving account at the bank for the first time ever to save up for a car. I’d never been so rich before! At least one thing was going well in my life. We ended up winning our game 18-11, no thanks to me. I didn’t manage to make a single hit. That foul ball was the highlight of my entire game. How pathetic is that? I didn’t do so well in the outfield, either. All in all it was not a good time, and it proceeded to get worse after the game had ended.


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Sometimes the JV and varsity teams had games at the same time, but sometimes not. When JV was playing, but not varsity, I was a sitting duck. Angel and his minions knew exactly where they could find me. Such was the case on this day. I hadn’t spotted any of them during the game (and believe you me I’d been looking), but as the team was walking off the field there were Angel, Adam, and Danny Mackwoods standing by the gate. They were all glaring at me, and I knew they’d be waiting on me when I came out of the locker room. I began to panic. When I spotted Ryan coming out of the stands, I made a beeline for him. “Hey, did you enjoy the game?” I asked. “It was great, the first I’ve been to in a long time.” “Really?” “Yeah. I didn’t have much of a reason to come before, but I had to come and see you play.” I couldn’t believe he’d actually come just to watch me, but I was thoroughly pleased and more than ever ashamed of my dismal performance. “I think a lot of people like watching me play. It’s strangely compelling, kind of like a car wreck.” “Don’t be so rough on yourself.” “Why not? I stink.” “So you’re not a superstar. Are you really planning on a career in baseball? It’s just a game, Kurt. You’re supposed to have fun.” I smiled. I liked the way he put things in perspective. It was more than “just a game” to me, but Ryan was right, it wasn’t as if my future depended on my prowess in baseball. I had no illusions about someday becoming a major leaguer. Angel and company were watching us with arms crossed, probably ticked off that I’d found someone to protect me. I wisely ignored them. As much as I wanted to grin at them in victory, I knew such an attitude would cost me dearly later—in pain. “Hey, um, Ryan, could you give me a ride home, or at least away from here?” I couldn’t help but look at the thugs waiting to pound me. Ryan followed my gaze. “I walked, but you’re welcome to join me. We can pick up the car and I’ll take you home.” “I’d appreciate that,” I said, meaning it more than I’d ever meant anything. “So, I take it those guys are after you,” Ryan said quietly as we walked away from the baseball diamond. I was still in my uniform. I’d get my clothes out of my locker the next day after practice.


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“Yeah, I made the mistake of punching one of them in the stomach, and they’ve been after me ever since.” “Which one?” “The one with the ponytail.” “He’s a good-looking boy, but he looks like he could be trouble.” “Oh, he’s trouble all right.” “How did you come to punch him?” “It’s a long story, but the short version is that he grabbed me, and I just turned and did it without thinking. I’ve been sorry ever since.” “Rash actions can lead to unfortunate outcomes,” said Ryan. “I should probably just give myself up and get the beating over with, but I’m too big of a coward.” “It’s not cowardly to want to avoid a beating. That sounds more like good sense to me.” “Well, let’s not talk about it anymore. I think about it way too often as is.” “I understand. You look really sharp in that uniform, Kurt,” said Ryan with a true touch of admiration in his voice. “Thank you.” “Of course, you’re a good-looking boy, so I think you’d look good in anything or…” “What?” “Never mind.” I looked at him as we walked side by side, curious as to what he’d been about to say. Sometimes I felt like…but, no, that was just foolish. My perverted side made me see things in ways that just weren’t possible sometimes—all the more reason to conquer it. If only I could! As I walked by Ryan’s side, I forgot about my dismal performance on the field, if not about the severe beating that awaited me at some foggy point in the future. Ryan was looking very smart in his usual khaki shorts, although this time he was sporting a pale-orange t-shirt. I missed the view of his upper arms and guiltily wished he’d pull his shirt off entirely. What was wrong with me? We didn’t set out for my house right after our arrival at Ryan’s place. Instead, he made iced tea, and we sat on the patio and talked and enjoyed the scenery. If I’d been braver, I would have asked Ryan a few things—about what I’d done in the tree house and what I felt when I’d looked at Angel at the dance. I knew that would be foolish, however. I felt comfortable with Ryan, but I just couldn’t go around talking about things like that to anyone. It would be like…like…I dunno, admitting I was a vampire if such creatures were real. That’d get me a


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stake through the heart, and confessing certain things to Ryan would be nearly as disastrous. I’d lose his friendship and the best job I ever had. Sometimes Ryan seemed like he wanted to say something to me too—words he couldn’t quite force from his lips. I wasn’t sure, but sometimes he seemed about to say something, didn’t, and then looked at me wistfully. I smiled at him at those times, trying to let my friendship for him show. I appreciated those times when he smiled at me and wanted to return the favor. Ryan insisted on driving me home. I told him I’d probably be safe. I’d been ducking Angel & Company for days. He wouldn’t take no for an answer, and I was secretly relieved, as well as pleased that he cared enough to look out for me. Ryan had taken an otherwise dismal day and turned it around for me. Once safely at home, I found myself wishing I was back in his garden, drinking tea and chatting with him. I never thought I’d so enjoy the company of someone over eighteen. ✶

✶

✶

✶

I had a lot of close calls during the next three weeks. It seemed as if Angel’s buddies were everywhere and they lived to make my life miserable. Adam slammed into me by “accident” in the halls no fewer than twelve times, and other members of the baseball team got me, too. I received nasty notes in my locker daily, with such cheerful messages as, “You’re dead meat,” “We’re gonna kick your ass,” and “You’ve messed with the big boys, and now we’re gonna pound you into the ground.” None of the notes inspired restful sleep or a sense of ease as I walked about the school. The glares of hatred alone were enough to make me cringe. If looks could kill, I think I would’ve dropped dead a few dozen times. I began to get paranoid, suspecting that one member or another of the gang was around every corner and waiting behind every door. I ran to school every morning and back home every evening after practice to make myself less of a target. I only paused long enough for Tommy to join me in the mornings. Going to the restroom at school was fraught with danger. If Angel or one of his buddies caught me in there, I knew it would all be over. I think I made restroom breaks in world-record time. Every second I was in there was filled with extreme risk. All the while, I was wondering if I should just surrender, because I was only putting off the inevitable, unless I could somehow avoid capture until I graduated from high school. That was sure unlikely!


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The evenings I stayed in town to mow lawns were fraught with peril. Since the varsity team usually quit practice after JV, I had a daily head start. Every evening I managed to shower and dress in record time and then bolt for home. I had no such advantage when there was a lawn to mow. I still vacated the locker room as soon as possible and then sprinted to my work, but there was the danger of one of the gang spotting me while I was mowing a lawn. There was also the possibility of getting nailed on the way home. By the time I finished mowing, Angel, Adam, and the others were prowling who knows where. I lived in fear of them spotting me. Ryan knew Angel was after me and insisted on driving me home after I finished my yard work, so at least I was safe on the evenings I worked on his yard and garden. I would say I couldn’t believe he was so nice to me, but he was like that. I know it took less than ten minutes for him to drive me home and then return, but he was still going out of his way to help me, and I sure appreciated it.

C H A P T E R ▼

5

Judgment Day

Angel got me, of course. That was a foregone conclusion. It happened after baseball practice. My performance was way, way off. There were three games during the three weeks I was running from Angel, and I’d played so badly that Coach barely let me play at all. I was definitely not Coach’s favorite boy. After another dismal performance during practice, I was sent to his office where I waited so long I thought my hair might be turning gray. I sat there in my uniform anticipating the worst. I expected Coach to go off on me, but instead he asked questions about whether or not everything was okay at home, if I had girl trouble, and like that. The girl trouble question about made me laugh. Me, the little perv boy, have girl trouble? I didn’t so much as chuckle, however, because I feared Coach might toss me right off the team. I thought about telling Coach about my troubles with Angel, but if he intervened, it would only further postpone what was destined to happen and would likely make it worse. As it was, waiting was fraying my nerves. My own shadow was beginning to spook me. And besides, guys who told on other guys were the lowest of the low. If I told, my reputation would be ruined. I’d be marked as a squealer forever. It would be far better to take a beating. Coach was in a sympathetic mood. If my other problem hadn’t been so unspeakable, I might’ve discussed it with him, but I knew I couldn’t. If I even mentioned what was going through my head to Coach, he would’ve chucked me - 51 -

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off the team and called my parents. They would probably send me off to the loony bin or something. I knew I could never talk to anyone about that problem. I made it out of Coach’s office with my secrets intact. I promised I’d try harder, and that kept me on the team, at least for the time being. Our talk was a long one, however, and all my teammates were gone by the time I stepped out the office door. The door had barely closed behind me when a strong hand slapped across my mouth and my arms were pinned behind my back. I struggled, but it was completely useless. Allen, the towel boy, saw what was going down, but I knew he wouldn’t lift a finger. If he came to my aid, he’d just be in the same boat as I was, and he wouldn’t have been able to save me anyway. I couldn’t see who had me, but whoever it was lifted me and carried me into the locker room as I squirmed in his grasp. As I came around the corner I saw Joshua Fehribach and Travis Cremeens just pulling on their jeans. They were both on the varsity team and both members of Adam’s little gang. Even in my state of panic I noticed how built they were. Their bare chests rippled with muscle and they both had great abs. What was wrong with me? “Got him,” said Adam. I knew from his voice who’d grabbed me. I fought harder to escape, but Adam was way stronger than I was. Even if I had broken loose, Joshua and Travis would’ve tackled me instantly. “Get the tape,” said Adam. Travis reached into his locker and pulled out a roll of athletic tape. He tore off a piece and advanced on me. I considering kicking him in the balls, but I figured they’d only hurt me worse if I did, so I didn’t resist as he placed it over my mouth. Adam whipped me around and Travis yanked my arms behind my back and taped my wrists together. Adam pushed me away, and I fell to the floor. I had to fight to keep from crying. I knew the next few minutes were going to be the worst of my life. There would probably be an unpleasant trip to the hospital after that. I tried to prepare myself for what was coming, but how do you get ready to get the crap beat out of you? I wished Coach would come out of his office and into the locker room, but that wasn’t likely. I struggled to scream for help, but the tape across my mouth prevented that. Adam jerked me to my feet by the arm and then slugged me in the face. The force of it sent me flying into the lockers and then back to the floor. The pain was intense. My eyes filled with tears. It was just at that moment that Angel rounded the corner, a towel wrapped around his waist and beads of water standing on his bare chest.

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“Look what we found,” said Adam proudly. Angel took it all in at a glance. Adam jerked me to my feet by the arm again, nearly wrenching it out of the socket. He yanked his fist back for another punch. “Stop!” said Angel. “He’s mine.” Adam stepped back. “Okay, seems only fair. I’m sure you can handle him alone.” Adam’s eyes met Angel’s and held them for a moment. It was like they were talking to each other without words. Adam shoved me back on a bench. “Come on, guys, let’s leave Angel to his fun.” I swallowed hard, wishing my mouth wasn’t taped shut so I could apologize to Angel and explain why I’d punched him in the gut. I didn’t even have that chance though. I wished I could speak. Begging was beginning to look pretty good. I watched Angel as he pulled off his towel and dried himself. If I hadn’t been so terrified, the perverted part of me would sure have enjoyed the show. Angel was beautiful naked. His body was a work of art—like one of those Greek statues. He was muscular, but not too muscular. He was smooth and well shaped and…. Shut up, Kurt! I thought to myself. Just because you’re about to get your butt kicked doesn’t mean you can give in. Fight it! I realized then that I was getting stiff, and a cup is uncomfortable enough to wear as it is. If Angel knew I was getting aroused watching him dress, he’d probably give it to me worse. Angel pulled on his boxers and jeans and then walked over to me, checking the entrance to the locker room first to make sure no one was around. He leaned in until his lips were only inches from mine. His torso was sculpted and beautiful. Everything about him was beautiful. Oh God, I wanted to kiss him. Stop it, Kurt! Stop it! “I’m not going to hurt you,” said Angel quietly. I looked into his eyes, bewildered beyond belief. Angel grasped my chin and turned my face to the side so he could examine where Adam had slugged me. “That’s gonna give you a shiner—should be enough,” he said. Angel pulled me to my feet and turned me around. He unbound my wrists with effort. That athletic tape didn’t come loose easily. “If anyone asks,” he said, while he was working on the tape, “you tell them I punched you in the stomach, over and over, until you thought you were going to die. You tell ’em I nailed you in the nuts, too.” My arms were loose, and I turned around to face him.

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“It’s best if I take this off fast,” said Angel, indicating the tape across my mouth. “It’ll hurt, but only for a second. Ready?” I nodded. Angel grabbed the edge of the tape and ripped if off my mouth. “Owww!” I said and slapped my hand over my mouth. It felt like he’d ripped my lips off, but as they weren’t sticking to the tape, I figured I was unharmed. “You’re not going to beat me up?” I asked. “No.” I wanted to ask why not, but that would’ve been stupid. God he was hot. His chest was so smooth and muscular. Shut up, Kurt! “I’m sorry I punched you. I didn’t mean to. I was just upset and…and I just did it before I thought. I don’t have nothin’ against you…I…” Shut up, Kurt, don’t say it or he will kick your ass! “It’s okay,” said Angel, “but you pack quite a punch.” I nearly smiled. “Listen, um…” said Angel. “I can’t talk here…and I can’t let the guys see you with me, but…I’d like to talk. Maybe we could…meet somewhere.” I was so shocked and befuddled I didn’t say anything for a few seconds, not until I realized I was standing there gaping like an idiot. “Uh, okay…how about Merton’s Ice Cream Shop?” “No. No, that’s too public, somewhere private. How about your house?” “My house?” I asked. Was this really happening? “Yeah.” “Well, okay, I guess. I live down…” “I know where you live. I walk by there every day going to school.” “Oh.” That’s something I sure didn’t know. “Okay, when?” “I can’t today. I’m supposed to meet the guys. Tomorrow? After practice?” “Um, sure.” “I’ll just meet you there. I don’t want to be seen with you.” “Okay.” “Remember, if anyone asks, I worked you over good. The guys can’t know I let you off. Punches to the stomach and the balls, okay? Those don’t leave marks.” “Okay,” said. “And don’t talk to me in the halls. As far as everyone else is concerned, we’re enemies.” “Okay, got it.”

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“Talk to you tomorrow, then,” said Angel. He pulled on his shirt, shut his locker, and left me standing there alone, my head spinning in confusion. ✶

✶

✶

✶

It felt weird not to have to run home, not to have to live in fear. That was nothing to the bizarreness of the whole thing with Angel. I was clueless. Why didn’t he beat the crap out of me? I was grateful he didn’t, make no mistake about that, but I didn’t understand why. I thought the beating was as sure as the sunrise, but it didn’t happen. I touched my cheek near my left eye where Adam had clobbered me and winced. Yeah, I was thankful I didn’t get my butt kicked. One punch to the face was more than enough. I don’t think I could’ve handled a real beating, but, of course, I wouldn’t have had any choice. I don’t think I’d ever been so terrified as I was when Adam, Joshua, and Travis had me bound and gagged in the locker room. The only moment I’d been more scared is when Angel came around the corner and then when I was sitting there waiting for him to start in on me. Tears flooded my eyes as I passed Tommy’s house. I began to sob. I wiped my face on my shirt, being careful not to touch my cheek. My evening had been way too upsetting, and it was getting to me. I made myself stop crying. It was stupid. It was all over, so there wasn’t any use in crying now. I should’ve been jumping for joy. I racked my brain trying to figure out what Angel wanted to talk to me about. We had absolutely nothing in common and were supposed to be sworn enemies. Maybe he just wanted to give me further instructions on what to say about him beating me up. I knew the questions would start in tomorrow when everyone saw my black eye. I’d tell them Adam punched me in the face and then say all the stuff Angel told me. I couldn’t understand why he’d spared me, but I did understand why he wanted me to lie about it. If I said he beat me up, his gang would think he had, and so would everyone else. His reputation would remain intact. It didn’t make me look so good, but then I hardly think anyone would think I had a chance against Angel anyway. He wasn’t a whole lot bigger than I was, but he had more muscle. He was definitely far tougher than I was, though, so in a fight I was sure he could kick my butt. Having everyone think Angel beat me up was lots better than actually getting beaten to a pulp. The explaining actually started when I got home. Mom took one look at my face and pulled me into the kitchen. She pulled out a steak and told me to hold it against my eye.

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“Now,” she said, speaking for the first time. “What happened to you?” “I got into a fight.” “I guessed that much. Was someone picking on you?” “No, it was just a fight, just an argument that got out of hand.” “I don’t like you fighting.” “Well, it’s not like I do it all the time. How many fights have I been in? Including this one: one.” Dad walked into the kitchen just then, drawn by the sound of our conversation. Ida wandered in, too. “Are you okay, Kurt?” asked Ida, obviously concerned. “I’m fine.” “Let me see,” said Dad. I pulled back the steak. “You’re going to have quite a shiner tomorrow, Kurt.” Mom rounded on him. “You sound almost proud!” “A boy has to take care of himself, Kathleen.” Mom didn’t look pleased. Dad turned to me. “Fighting isn’t usually the answer, Kurt. I want you to understand that. It’s a last resort, but never be afraid to defend yourself.” I wasn’t sure if he really meant that or was just saying it for Mom. “This was just an argument that got out of hand, like I told Mom. It’s over and I don’t plan on fighting again, unless I have to defend myself sometime, like you said.” My parents looked at each other. They seemed satisfied. “Can I go to my room?” Mom nodded and I made a quick departure, just in case one of them thought of more to say. As I walked up the stairs, I could hear Dad saying, “Don’t worry, Kathleen, boys will be boys, Kurt…” That was all I heard as I reached the top of the stairs. Ida caught up to me before I could reach my room. “Are you really okay?” I smiled. “Yeah, I am. Everything is fine now. You don’t have to worry about me, but…thanks.” Ida hugged me, and I squeezed her hard in return. I loved my big sister. Now if only my big brother could be more like she was…. No, that was asking too much.

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Ida took a close look at my face and seemed satisfied that I wasn’t going to keel over anytime soon. She mussed my hair. “If you need to talk…about anything, I’m here, okay?” If only I could’ve talked to her about THE problem, but I couldn’t discuss it, not even with her. No one could understand. I nodded, turned, and walked into my room. I closed the door behind me, my thoughts turning once more to Angel. I racked my brains until I decided it was best to give up wondering why he wanted to talk. I couldn’t, but I guessed I’d get my answer when he came by the next evening. That was going to be weird— Angel Egler in my very own home. I lay back on my bed, staring at the ceiling with one eye while holding the steak against the other. Now that my mere survival was no longer an issue, I turned my thoughts to my other problem: the enemy within. I’d been fighting for days to keep perverted thoughts from entering my head, but they just came anyway. It was like they were defying me. I did okay sometimes, but then my thoughts wandered. It was worse when I was around other boys and the worst when they were shirtless or naked. The perv inside me grew in power then, and I thought all about all kinds of things—from kissing another boy to rubbing up against him naked. I expected God to strike me dead for my thoughts. I wasn’t in good with God. I knew he had to be disappointed in me and angry. I’d made a promise to him about not touching myself, and I’d broken it the very next day after I’d given my word. What’s more, I’d broken it every day since then, at least once and sometimes more. I just could not stop myself. The urge was too powerful. I tried to fight it, but the more I did, the more my body screamed for it. Not only did I get stiff, but my balls ached. It felt good in a way, but it kind of hurt, too. Every time I did it, the white stuff came out, so I figured it was supposed to. It let the pressure off. I wondered if I’d started up some physical process that I couldn’t stop. If I’d never done it, maybe I would never have gotten that feeling down below. I’d sort of had it before, though, but not as bad. I had to stop thinking about it. Thinking about it made me want to do it. I wondered if I shouldn’t just give in and do it because I likely would anyway. Maybe it would be better to avoid the hours of delicious pain that preceded the crumbling of my willpower. Part of me liked that feeling, though: the delicious pain. That’s how I’d come to think of it. It wasn’t pain really, not like getting hit in the face or anything, and yet it was kind of painful, even if it felt good at the same time. I was sure one screwed-up boy.

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I gave in after supper. I was washing my face where I’d been holding the steak against it. I’d taken off my shirt so as not to get it wet. The sight of me shirtless in the mirror excited me. My degenerate side was even attracted to me! How sick is that? The aching started in. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I did it right in front of the mirror while I watched myself. It took longer to finish than it had the first few times I’d done it, but that only made the pleasure last longer. When I was done, I felt completely disgusted with myself. I had no self-control whatsoever. I pulled my shirt back on and walked to my room. Sam was lying back on his bed. I felt guilty. I wondered if he could tell what I’d been doing by looking at me. Of course, I knew he did it, too. At least he had that one time, and I was willing to bet he couldn’t stop once he started. I’d thought about asking him some questions about it, but it was too embarrassing. I just couldn’t work up the courage. “Lemme see that black eye,” said Sam. He got up, grasped my chin in his hand, and turned my face to get a better look. “Oh, that’s gonna be a nice one. Dad said you got into a fight. Who was it?” “Adam Voegerl and Angel Egler.” “Whoa, you got off easy. What brought it on?” “I punched Angel in the stomach a few weeks ago.” “No shit? You’re either brave or stupid, little brother. I’m betting on stupid. Even I wouldn’t mess with him. I’ve heard things.” “Well, it’s over now. Adam got me in the face, and Angel worked me over— punched me in the stomach lots and once in the balls.” It was the first time I’d given anyone the “story” of what happened. I was amazed at how easy it was to lie. “Ouch! Sorry about that. I’ve been racked up once or twice. It hurts worse than anything.” “You’ve got that right,” I said. I’d never been punched in the balls, but I had landed wrong on the parallel bars in gym once and the pain was so intense I think my eyes rolled back into my head. “Yeah, that’s gonna be a nice one,” said Sam, still looking at my blackening eye. He seemed kind of proud of me. I hesitated for a moment, and then asked the question that had formed in my mind. “What kind of stuff have you heard about Angel?”

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“Just rumors, mainly, but you know that crowd he runs with. They’re bad news—hoods disguised as jocks. You remember Rebecca Foerster and how she disappeared during Christmas vacation?” “Yeah.” “Well, the rumor is her parents sent her off because Angel got her pregnant.” “But she’s a year younger than I am!” “Uh huh, and look what Angel did to her. It didn’t seem to bother him one bit, though, did it? He came back from vacation just as happy as could be, even though Rebecca was off who knows where to have his baby or get rid of it.” I swallowed. A girl having a baby at fourteen was a scandal. It’s no wonder her parents sent her off like that. I wondered if she’d show up some day like nothing had happened, but it’d been months since she left. Then again, even I knew it took months before a baby was ready to be born. She probably hadn’t even had it yet. It was sure weird thinking Angel might have a kid. “Wow,” I said, shocked. “I heard Angel beat up some kid so bad last summer he had to be sent to the hospital. I never heard who, because it happened during summer vacation. It doesn’t surprise me, though; that whole gang would just as soon beat the crap out of someone as look at them. Let me give you some brotherly advice, Kurt: Don’t mess with Angel or any of that crowd. If you get on their wrong side, you’re dead meat. That bunch sticks together. If you mess with one of them, you mess with all of them. I don’t know what possessed you to hit Angel, but you’d be more than stupid to do anything like that again. When those guys are around, the best thing you can do is kiss their butts or stay out of their way.” “I don’t think there’ll be any more trouble. Angel paid me back with interest.” “Well, I’m just telling you, because I don’t want to see you get hurt, and I’m not rushing in to save you. I can’t take those guys on. No one can. If you mess with them, you’re on your own.” I nodded. “Thanks, Sam.” “No problem, Squirt.” It was times like this when I actually liked Sam a lot, despite the fact that he’d just told me he wouldn’t help me out if I was dumb enough to stir up more trouble. I appreciated his advice and concern. I sure hoped he wasn’t home when Angel arrived the next evening. I didn’t know how I’d explain that.

C H A P T E R ▼

6

The Mystery of Angel Egler

The next day I was bombarded with the same questions over and over again—all of them variations on, Who did you fight? When I answered, I saw the same reaction over and over, too—fear mixed with awe. Most people couldn’t believe I’d tangled with Angel and Adam, and I found I went up a notch in their estimation just for having tried to defend myself. I gave out the story Angel told me to, but I did add that I tried to fight him off. The fact that I was unsuccessful was unimportant in the eyes of my classmates. Anyone brave enough to resist Adam’s gang had to have some courage. Luckily, my classmates didn’t share my brother’s opinion that I was most likely just stupid. I was very careful not to make myself look too good with the story—otherwise, I’d likely be targeted again. I gave out that I got in a couple of punches to Angel’s stomach, but that he just shrugged it off like he didn’t feel it and beat the crap out of me. That wouldn’t make Angel look bad. If anything, it would make him look better. None of Adam’s gang gave me any trouble, except to shoot me looks that clearly said, Yeah, now you know what happens if you mess with us. Adam himself passed me in the hall without knocking my books out of my hand or me into the lockers for the first time since I’d punched Angel. It looked like I’d paid my debt.

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Word spread about my black eye, and the story grew and grew. By the end of the day, people were saying Adam and Angel had kidnapped me, taken me into the woods, tied me to a tree, and cleverly tortured me so that there were no visible marks except for my black eye. There was talk about me being beaten with a rubber hose like in spy movies. When I explained the “truth” of the situation, it didn’t matter. The kids at school liked their version better. It probably helped save my butt from the gang, however, as it made them look scarier than ever. I crossed Angel’s path twice in the hallways. Once, he didn’t even bother to look at me, and the other time he gave me a disdainful sneer that was not lost on anyone around us. I shied away from him, partly as an act, but mostly as a natural reaction. Angel could be frightening when he wanted, and he still scared the crap out of me. Angel smirked at me again as he passed me with his tray at lunch, and I meekly looked away. I thought it the wisest course. He’d been true to his word when he said he wouldn’t hurt me in the locker room, but there was nothing to keep him from changing his mind. I was able to concentrate more during baseball practice than I had in days, and Coach patted me on the back and said he was glad I was getting back into form. I actually managed to hit the ball a few times and made a tough catch. Maybe I wasn’t so hopeless after all. I was still pathetic, just not hopeless. I was able to really enjoy myself for the first time in days. My lunch of corn dogs and fries seemed especially delicious, and I stopped to just breathe in the spring air during practice. The sky was pale blue with a few fluffy clouds floating overhead like so many sheep on their way to pasture. Little yellow flowers on long stalks grew along the fence of the baseball diamond. I have no idea what they were called. Most people just considered them weeds, but I found them beautiful. I wanted to pick some for my mom, but I knew I’d get some strange looks from the guys if I went around with a bouquet of flowers. I was nervous about Angel coming over after practice, but it wasn’t a tenth as bad as worrying about getting my butt kicked. Whatever happened, I was sure Angel wasn’t going to attack me in my own home with my mom, and maybe my dad, brother, and sister there. At worst, he’d threaten me, and I wasn’t even expecting that since he could’ve messed me up in the locker room the evening before, if he’d wanted. The mere fact he hadn’t beat me up, when he could’ve, made me feel safer—unless he was playing some kind of cat-and-mouse game with me. I forced myself to stop thinking about it. I was only tormenting myself. My teammates were all checking out my black eye and repeating the various rumors they’d heard during the day. That’s when I found out about the kidnap-


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ping and torture scenario. The attention was kind of cool and almost worth the pain and fear I’d experienced. I think I only felt that way because the pain was over. If I’d have known what was coming, I definitely wouldn’t have been willing to take the pain for a little attention. I’d already paid the price, though, so I basked in my fifteen minutes of fame. All the questions helped me to avoid temptation. It was harder to ogle my friends when they kept my mind occupied with other things. Still, their bare chests, butts, and everything else crossed my field of vision, and my mind greedily stored up the images. I fought against my mind, but it felt like I was struggling against instinct. I felt like I was a tiger trying not to be a tiger or something like that. I was drawn to the Nudo twins like a moth to the flame. Tyler’s eyes met mine now and then, like a silent invitation. It was an invitation to I don’t know what, but my degenerate side had hopes and dreams about it. Tyler and Tanner were so cute, and they were twins! Who could resist that? You can, Kurt, be strong. Besides, that look in their eyes probably doesn’t mean what you think. It didn’t matter. I couldn’t take the risk even if I wanted; it was crazy. There was no reason to even think about it. I would not allow myself to become a pervert. I was aching with the need for release by the time I jogged away from the gym with Tommy. I’d explained to him some three weeks before that I was running to strengthen myself for baseball, and he’d accepted that excuse and even joined me. Now that word was out I’d been worked over by Angel, I thought he might be suspicious, but he never put two and two together. It wasn’t a total lie anyway, because I was working out even when I ran in fear. That fear was gone now, but I intended to keep up my runs to improve my performance. I needed all the help I could get. Tommy wasn’t into running as much as I was. Each evening, he was huffing and puffing before we even reached his home, which wasn’t nearly as far as mine. I’d been running pretty hard before, but now that I was no longer running in fear, I slowed it down and Tommy did better. He was already improving. If he kept it up, I was sure he’d be able to run all the way home with no trouble at all. I’d noticed a lot of improvement in myself over the past three weeks. I hadn’t run except for going to and from school, but I was running with greater ease. I didn’t get out of breath nearly as fast, and I felt like I could’ve kept on running past my home. I’d have to give some thought to taking some runs through town again, now that the danger was at an end. At least I hoped it was. I picked up speed after Tommy veered off and hurtled himself over the gate of the white picket fence that surrounded his house. I’d just jog when I got into


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some longer runs, but since I’d been running hard to and from school; I saw no reason not to continue. My legs felt stronger from the running, and I was sure my lung capacity had increased as well. It wasn’t any time at all before I was racing past the A&W, where kids from school were hanging out—guys in letterman’s jackets trying to impress those girls in poodle skirts. I felt a tug as I ran past, wondering if I’d ever be able to enter their world, or if my perversion would ban me from it forever. I was relieved to find Sam was not home when I arrived. He’d already left for the Marathon. I tried to sit at the desk and do my homework, but I wasn’t progressing very quickly. I kept looking out the window to see if Angel was heading up the walk. The bedroom I shared with Sam was at the front of the house and had windows looking out over the front and side yard, so it was easy to see anyone coming or going. Luckily, I didn’t have much work to do. Even though my attention wandered to the window over and over, I managed to complete my assignments. With my homework done, I had nothing to do but sit and look out the window at the brick walk, the carefully tended flower beds and closely clipped lawn. Huge oaks and maples surrounded the house on all sides, set back on the edges of our property. They shaded a good deal of the yard, but there were still large sunny spots at the front and back. Our yard was much larger than those found in town. My chest tightened slightly as Angel stepped off the road and into our yard. There was no mistaking him, even from far away. That long blond hair of his left no doubt. I left my post at the window and hurried downstairs to meet him. He barely knocked before I opened the door. “Hey,” he said, almost awkwardly as he stood on the doorstep. “Hey. Um, come on in.” I led him toward the kitchen because I knew Mom would want to know who was visiting me. She didn’t mind my friends coming over, but she liked to know about them. As I knew she would, Mom offered Angel some cookies and milk. I sat down and had some, too, since I’d skipped them in anticipation of Angel’s arrival. I’d been too nervous before to eat anything anyway. I couldn’t believe I was sitting at my kitchen table with Angel Egler. He was really polite to Mom and didn’t seem at all like the dangerous varsity jock from school. I guess his politeness could’ve been an act, but it seemed natural. Angel was really nice to me, too. It was like he became a different person when he entered my home. Angel’s eyes kept meeting mine as we sat at the table, and the cutest little smile turned up the corners of his mouth. If I didn’t know better, I would’ve though he


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was shy, but the idea of Angel Egler being shy was ridiculous. He was sure cute in any case—beyond cute. I had to keep myself from getting lost in Angel’s blue eyes when they met mine. I just wanted to keep gazing into them. It was as if everything I’d ever wanted was held within them. And his face…I’d never had the chance to really get a good look at it before. Oh, I’d seen Angel plenty of times, but it was always as he was passing me in the halls, or talking with his friends, or whatever. I’d never been able to take in any individual details. I’d never dared. As Angel told Mom about the baseball team and other sports he’d been involved in, I noticed how his features were finely drawn. I don’t know how to put it into words, but it was as if an artist had sculpted him, trying to make him as beautiful as possible, from his cheekbones to the curve and fullness of his lips. His eyebrows were light blond, like his hair, and they kind of glowed when the light hit them. His hair itself was drawn back as always into a ponytail. I imagined it would be silky to the touch, and a part of me yearned to run my fingers through it. I reigned in that thought, however, for I knew where it would lead me. My eyes fell to Angel’s chest. He was wearing a clean white t-shirt with an open blue plaid flannel shirt over it. The muscles of his chest pressed hard against his shirt, as if it was too small for him, but below his chest it hung loose. I started breathing harder, and the pressure began to build between my legs. I took a bite of a chewy chocolate-chip cookie and stared out the window for a few moments to get myself under control. My perv side was trying to come to the surface, but I wouldn’t let it. I didn’t dare, with Angel sitting right there less than three feet away. He’d shown me mercy before, but if he had any idea how my body reacted to the sight of him, he’d probably beat me to death. Regardless, I would not allow my perverted nature to rule. We were in a fight to the death, and I was determined to win. If I didn’t, I was as good as dead anyway. After we finished, I led Angel to my room. I’d been too occupied with other thoughts to be nervous as we sat in the kitchen with Mom, but now that feeling returned. I hated feeling nervous. It made me all shaky. It was weird how an emotion could make my body react physically. At least I wasn’t trembling with fear. Angel sat on the edge of the bed and looked around my room. There wasn’t much to see, believe you me. Mom didn’t like us sticking things on the walls, so they were bare, except for a couple of framed pictures she’d picked out and a calendar. Angel got up and picked up Sam’s photo of his girlfriend. “Betty,” said Angel. “Yeah, she’s my brother’s girl. Apparently she has very bad taste.”


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Angel laughed. “Sam doesn’t seem so bad, although I don’t know him, just of him.” “He’s not really…I guess.” Angel looked at the desk, as if checking to see if I had a photo of a girl, too. “I’m not dating anyone,” I said, feeling instantly foolish. Why did I say that? Angel nodded and sat back down on my bed. I sat in the desk chair, facing him. “You’re probably wondering why I didn’t kick your ass,” he said. I swallowed. In my family, we were not allowed to say “ass.” The most we could get away with was “butt,” and that was pushing it. “Only a few dozen times,” I said, with a short, nervous laugh. “Punching me in the stomach wasn’t cool, but I saw the look on your face right after you did it—before I doubled over, that is. You pack quite a punch.” I grinned ever so slightly, even though I tried not to. “You looked sort of surprised, or maybe shocked. I had some time to think about it later, and I figured you didn’t really mean to do it. It was just kind of a reaction.” “Yeah, that was it exactly. I didn’t even think. I just wanted to get away from the dance, and you grabbed me, and before I knew it I’d turned and slugged you. I’m so sorry.” “Forget it. I’ve taken harder punches. Anyway, I didn’t feel the need to get back at you, but the guys had other ideas, so I knew I couldn’t just let it go. They’d see it as a sign of weakness if I just let it slide, and there’s no way they would’ve just let you off Scot-free. Adam’s got this idea that everyone’s got to be scared of us or he’ll lose control. I was watching for my chance to talk to you alone, but it’s really hard, you know? I’m usually with one of the guys. So, when I came in from the showers and saw they had you, I figured that was my chance. I’m real sorry Adam slugged you in the face. He wasn’t supposed to do that. I made them all promise they’d save you for me. I thought that would protect you from them, at least as far as getting beat on.” “Thanks,” I said, confused and bewildered. Why would Angel go to all this trouble for me—someone he didn’t even know? “The guys go way too far sometimes.” “I’ve heard,” I said. “I didn’t know what they were going to do to me. I don’t think I’ve been that scared before.” “Well, you don’t have to worry about them now. They think I messed you up good, so the score is settled.”


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There was an awkward silence, and then I spoke. “Um, listen, I really, really appreciate you not beating me up, and I appreciate you going to all that trouble to keep your buddies off me, but why did you do it? You don’t even know me, really, and it would’ve been a lot easier for you if you would’ve just kicked my butt.” Angel looked away for a few moments. As he turned his head away from me, I thought I detected the shyness again. “Because I like you,” he said, not looking at me. He faced me once more and looked into my eyes. “I like you.” “Me?” I asked, shocked. Angel Egler liked me? “Yeah. I think we could be good friends. I’ve watched you a little, and you just seem…cool.” Angel suddenly found his fingernails of great interest, but then looked back up at me. I smiled. “The night you punched me, I was gonna ask if you wanted to go on a walk and talk or…something, but then you hit me.” “I’m sorry,” I said, feeling even worse about it than I had before. “Don’t worry about it. That’s in the past. Maybe it’s even for the best. I didn’t know Adam followed me. This way, he’ll think you’ve been dealt with, and he won’t pay any attention to you. If he sees us talking or something now, he’ll probably think I’m threatening you or pushing you around. I can’t talk to you at school, though, can’t take the risk. You never know what Adam is going to do.” “So you think I’m cool, but not cool enough to be seen with at school?” I was feeling a bit cross. “No, that’s not it, Kurt. If the guys saw me, they’d wonder about me. They’d get suspicious.” “Just because of being seen with me?” “You’re not one of us. With Adam, it’s us and them. It’s an if you’re not with us you’re against us kind of thing, understand?” I nodded, even though I didn’t really get it, not completely. “So, I’d like to be friends, but I can’t be seen with you. I can’t say hi at school. I might even have to push you around if the other guys are near.” “That doesn’t sound very friendly to me.” An internal battle was raging within me. I kind of liked Angel and was honored and even slightly thrilled that he wanted to be my friend. I was kind of ticked off, too, because he wanted to keep me hidden away, as if he was ashamed of me. The perv side of me was chiming in as well, flashing pictures of Angel in nothing but a towel and Angel wet and naked in the showers. That part of me


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would’ve done anything to be close to Angel, but that was the part of myself I was determined to fight. Still, I’d seen a new side to Angel. As soon as he’d walked in my door it was like he was a different boy—one that probably would make a very good friend. Angel and me—friends. That was something to think about. “Listen, I wish it could be different, but it can’t,” said Angel. “I know it’s asking a lot, but I can’t think of any other way. We could still do stuff out of school.” “Yeah, like go to Merton’s?” I asked, with just a hint of sarcasm. “No, someone might see us, but I could come here, and you could come to my place. My family has a big farm about half a mile down the road. There are fields and woods and even a little lake. There are all kinds of places to explore, and no one would see us, except my parents and that doesn’t matter.” I didn’t respond. I was still in a state of shock that Angel Egler wanted to be my friend. I couldn’t get it to make sense in my head. “Why do you want to be friends with me? I mean, you have friends already, lots of friends.” Angel stood and walked to the window, looking out at the same yard, flower beds, and trees that I saw every day of my life. “Because you’re different,” he said, turning his face in my direction. “You know what Adam and those guys are like. It’s cool playing baseball with them and all, but I have other interests, other things I want to talk about besides…baseball stuff…” He trailed off for a moment. “I have other things I want to do…” His voice halted once more, as if there were more to say, words he wouldn’t or couldn’t speak. He seemed vulnerable just then, quite a different Angel than I’d seen at school. I had a suspicion that there was a lot more to Angel than I’d ever guessed. “Okay,” I said. Angel smiled. “You mean it?” He seemed unduly excited. “Yeah, let’s hang out and give it a try. If we find out we hate each other, we’ll just walk away. If it works out…well, I can always use another friend. You know how boring it gets around here.” “Tell me about it,” Angel said, laughing. He looked at his watch. “Hey, I do have to get going, though. I’ve got a ton of homework, and if I don’t get on it, I’ll be up until midnight.” “Okay…um…see you at…” “I’m busy tomorrow, but how about I stop by here after practice the next evening, and we can do something. I’ll call, too.”


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I gave Angel my number and he gave me his. I walked him to the front door. Mom stuck her head out of the kitchen, and Angel thanked her for the cookies and milk once more. “He’s such a nice boy,” said Mom after he’d left, “so polite and clean.” “He’s coming back the day after tomorrow. Can I invite him for supper?” “You most certainly can,” said Mom. I smiled, turned and walked back up the stairs. ✶

✶

✶

✶

I very nearly greeted Angel when I passed him in the hall between second and third period the next day. I actually started to wave when I remembered there could be no sign we were anything more than enemies. I quickly wiped the smile off my face that had involuntarily formed upon my lips. For his part, Angel didn’t look at me at all. It felt weird after he’d been so kind the day before. It was a situation I hadn’t found myself in before—uncomfortable and yet exciting. I had a secret friendship that no one but the two of us knew about. Okay, our parents would know, but none of our friends or classmates would have a clue. It was kind of like having a secret identity. Our covert friendship didn’t have any of the dark qualities of my other secret. The existence of my perverted side was a secret I would take to my grave if necessary. I still had hope I could squeeze out the perverted thoughts that forced their way into my mind, but they were powerful. Perhaps my new friendship with Angel would help. He’d be one more thing to keep me busy, one more person to think about. Angel was quite a mystery, too, so he required way more thought than any of my other friends. It was odd thinking of Angel as a friend. We weren’t quite friends yet, at least it didn’t feel that way, but we were on our way at least. I guessed our next meeting would reveal much about that. Very likely, he’d find out he didn’t care for me at all. He didn’t strike me as someone who read books or collected coins, and I doubted he shared any of my other interests. About the only thing we had in common was baseball. I had serious doubts about our compatibility. There was no way I was cool enough to hang out with Angel Egler. I was far more relaxed at school than I had been in quite a long time. Not having to spend every minute looking over my shoulder was a relief. I could go to restroom without needing a bodyguard and move from one class to another without fearing for my safety. Blackford High hadn’t seemed so pleasant a place in weeks.


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I grinned as I approached my locker. It was such a relief to take my time, instead of frantically working the combination in fear that one of the varsity gang would nail me while my back was turned. It was amazing how relaxed I felt now that I wasn’t marked for death. I didn’t even flinch when someone grabbed me from behind and put me in a headlock. I squirmed around until I was able to free myself. “Hey, Tommy.” “What’s up, Kurt?” Part of me was dying to tell him about Angel, but I knew I couldn’t utter a word. “I’ve almost got my book report done for English,” I said instead. “How do you stand the excitement of your life?” asked Tommy, rolling his eyes. If he only knew. “Shut up!” Tommy grinned. “See ya later!” “See ya.” Yeah, things were back to normal. I’d never realized just how wonderful normal was until it was gone. My life seemed so much better now that I was no longer on the varsity-team hit list. I still had problems, of course, namely my slavery to relieving the pressure between my legs and the perverted thoughts that continuously assailed me. I’d been thinking, however, about how there was never a time in my life when I didn’t have something or other to worry about. If it wasn’t an upcoming test, it was a dentist appointment, or Mom finding out I’d accidentally trampled her sweet peas, or being half an hour late for supper. A lot of the stuff I worried about turned out not to be half as bad as I thought. Dentist appointments were usually like that. Even the worst of them didn’t measure up to my fears, and believe me that was a relief! I was wondering if I wasn’t over-worried about the thoughts I was having about other boys. Maybe my friends and teammates even had such thoughts. Maybe the thoughts were meaningless, although I sincerely doubted that. The way my body reacted to my thoughts made me feel they were very significant indeed. I wished I could ask one of my teammates about them, but there was no way I was going to ask something like that! It was way too dangerous. I wouldn’t even dare ask Tommy about something like that. I feared that my perverted nature was the exception to the rule— the one thing that was every bit as bad as I thought, or worse. Time would tell and I trembled at the possibilities.


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The good news was that I was developing the ability to shut out the bad thoughts during baseball practice, just like I shut out everything else. For those few moments from when I stepped up to the plate until I swung and hit (or more often missed) the ball, my mind was clear of everything but baseball. If only I could stay up to bat forever, my problems would be solved. I was improving daily during practice. At this rate I knew I’d be back into form in no time at all. Of course, my usual performance level wasn’t at all impressive, but at least I wasn’t missing every single pitch. I was far, far from where I wanted to be, but at least I was going in the right direction. I’d probably never be good enough to make varsity, which was kind of depressing, but I guess there were worse things in life. Not everyone could be a jock. Some of us were just wannabes. I fervently wished I was strong and athletic like Angel, Adam and the other varsity guys, but wishing wouldn’t make it so. I tried not to let it get me down and just be happy with what I had, but it wasn’t easy. It’s tough wanting something so bad you can practically taste it and knowing you’ll probably never get it. I watched Derek Spradley as he stepped up to bat. He was cool and calm, eyeing Tanner as he wound up for his pitch. Derek smacked the ball and it went sailing into the outfield. The fact it was caught and he would’ve been out in a game didn’t matter. Derek had talent, and I knew he’d someday be leaving the JV team for varsity. I figured I’d be right where I was forever, stuck in JV hell. It wasn’t so bad really; it was just that being on varsity was so much better. If there was no varsity I’d probably have been content to be on the JV team. Then again, if there was no varsity, everyone would have been on one team, and I probably wouldn’t have made the cut. Maybe it was best to have things just like they were. I sat on the bench waiting my turn. I looked down at the line of boys beside me, all looking so handsome and fit in their practice uniforms. Baseball definitely had the coolest uniforms, even better than football. I didn’t care for the basketball uniforms at all, they were just plain dull. Baseball uniforms were kind of sexy. They didn’t reveal much at all, but all the guys looked so hot in them. Shut up, Kurt! What was the matter with me? If I was going through some kind of phase or something, I sure hoped I got through it quickly. I tried to turn my mind from my teammates and instead concentrate on the clear blue sky, the green grass, and the powdery dirt at my feet. The scent of spring was in the air, and I breathed it in. It hadn’t been all that long since the winter snows had retreated, and now the flowers were in bloom. I sat and watched a toad as it quietly hopped along in the cool shade of the dugout in search of insects or perhaps just a place to rest. The toad wouldn’t get much rest with all us boys there, but


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soon we’d be gone and he’d have the place to himself. Seeing him made me think of Mr. Toad from The Wind In The Willows by Kenneth Graham. Perhaps this toad was a relative to Mr. Toad. I showered and dressed after practice, fighting my losing battle with desire. I wanted to just stand and stare at the naked bodies of my teammates in the showers, drinking in their beauty as the hot water pounded down upon them. Doing so would’ve been suicide, however. As it was, I tried to keep my eyes focused on the floor or walls, but I still caught glimpses of various body parts, all of which tormented me with desire. I needed to get out of there, but Derek picked just that moment to walk over and strike up a conversation with me about my improved hitting and catching skills. I appreciated his words, but they were ill-timed. He was standing right in front of me, not two feet away, naked and wet. I fought to keep my eyes from dipping below his shoulders, but it wasn’t easy. Derek wasn’t built like the varsity guys, but he had a nice body for his age. He was lean and firm, had nice biceps, and his chest swelled with a touch of muscle. Was I the only boy in the world that noticed such things about other boys? I felt like it. I ran my fingers through my hair and looked down. I tried to stop myself. I tried to halt my premeditated attempt to get a good close look at Derek’s stuff, but I couldn’t help myself. My eyes descended down his smooth chest, drinking in the view of his small, brown nipples. My gaze slid over his firm abdomen right down to his stuff. My mind frantically snapped mental images even as my hand passed through my hair and I looked back at Derek. He didn’t suspect a thing. The whole operation had lasted only a second or two, but my heart thrilled to the excitement. I realized I was beginning to stiffen and willed myself to focus on Derek’s words. Mercifully, I was able to escape from Derek quickly. My mind was racing with forbidden thoughts—thoughts of inviting him to stay the night in my tree house again, thoughts of touching him while he was asleep this time. I closed my eyes for a moment as I walked away from the showers to fight off my perverted thoughts. I had to get control of myself, or who knew what might happen? I dried off and dressed quickly while I waited for Tommy in the locker room. I considering inviting him for my planned, longer run, but I didn’t think he’d be up to it just yet. I didn’t want to have to cut back on my pace or distance for him, so I decided not to mention it. I might be behind in nearly ever other area, but at least I could run like the wind. Angel, Adam and others from the varsity team entered just as Tommy was coming back from the showers in his towel. Angel shot a superior look in my


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direction, carefully timing it so that Adam would see. Adam laughed. I swallowed, afraid for a moment, but then I remembered it was all an act. Well, Angel’s part was an act, and Adam was only reacting to that. I shied away from Angel for Adam’s benefit. I wished Tommy would hurry. The older players were undressing and their bodies were way more interesting than those of my teammates. Derek made me breathe harder, but he was nothing compared to Angel, Adam, and the others. Most of varsity guys were a few months older than the JV players, and boy what a difference a few months could make! Adam had an enticing trail of hair just below his navel that lured my eyes into looking lower. He had more hair there, too, than about anyone else. I did notice he wasn’t as big as Angel. I wondered what Adam thought about that. Thankfully I was dressed and my attraction wasn’t too noticeable. Seeing all those hot guys had created a dull ache between my legs and the accompanying swelling would have been obvious if I was still naked. What the heck was wrong with me? Tommy finally dried off and dressed, and we walked out of the locker room and then the gym. As soon as we reached the bottom of the steps, we took off running at a slow but steady pace. My preferred pace was somewhat faster, but I didn’t want to run Tommy out of breath. He was beginning to improve already, and the day would come when I wouldn’t have to slow down for him. I enjoyed the silent companionship of Tommy as he ran by my side, but I wondered what would happen to our friendship if he knew the thoughts that forced their way into my head. I wondered how everyone around me would react. No doubt I’d be shunned. I’d lose it all. I had no intention of finding out for sure. I planned to die still keeping my secret. Knowing that my friends wouldn’t be my friends if they knew about me made me sad and lonely. It was like none of my friendships were real. To fit in, I had to pretend to be something I wasn’t. It was all the more reason to kill off the part of myself that lusted after members of my own sex. When that part of me was dead, I wouldn’t have to live in fear anymore. I wouldn’t have to be ashamed of myself. I wouldn’t have to feel like a freak of nature. As I ran by Tommy’s side it dawned on me that I didn’t have perverted thoughts about him. He was a good looking guy and had a nice body, but I just didn’t think of him like I did so many other boys. Don’t get me wrong, that was a good thing, but I still wondered why. Was it because Tommy was a redhead and had freckles? I doubted it. He was the only redhead I knew, but he was still handsome. Maybe it was because we were such good friends, although I didn’t


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see what that had to do with it. I guess it didn’t matter. I decided I’d just be thankful I wasn’t attracted to him and leave it at that. As soon as Tommy veered off toward his house, I shifted into high speed and ran the rest of the way home more like it was a sprint than a distance run. I was panting when I got there, but I planned a short rest before going on my big run. I sat down at the kitchen table and had the usual milk and cookies while I told Mom my plans for more serious running. “You just watch out for cars, Kurt, and look both ways before crossing the street,” was her reply. Mom was so predictable. She’d treat me like I was six until the day I died. It was often a pain, but sometimes I didn’t mind so much. I went upstairs and changed into some sweatpants and a t-shirt. I liked to keep my legs warm while running and it was still a bit too cool to run in shorts. The weather was warming up fast, however, so the sweats would soon be gone. I sure didn’t need them when I was mowing lawns or working in Ryan’s garden. I ran back toward town, past Tommy’s house and the high school and then turned left onto Main Street, just like before. It was kind of cool running downtown and seeing the people who were out grocery shopping or getting their hair cut or whatever. I was sorely tempted to stop in Whitney’s Antiques to see if Mrs. Whitney had any new coins in. She always gave me a discount without me even asking. I needed to concentrate on my running, though, and stopping for even a few moments would mess me up. There’s no way I could spend only a few moments in Whitney’s anyway—there was way too much cool stuff to look at in there. I resisted my feet as they tried to head into the antique store and ran right on past and down the street, passing the drug store and then out of the business district entirely. It had been quite a while since I’d taken a long run, but I went a block farther than I ever had before and then doubled back. I began to feel the strain as I ran back past the high school. My legs were tiring out and my breath was coming fast and hard. I slowed my pace a little. I had a good sense of what my body could and could not do, and I knew if I didn’t slow it down I wouldn’t make it home without falling into a walk. I’d have to get into serious running again to regain my former prowess at it, such as it was, and then I’d go beyond it. I had high hopes of what it would do for my performance on the baseball field. At the very least I hoped it would allow me to run like the wind when I hit the ball. I was dead tired by the time I stumbled in the door. I staggered upstairs to my room and plopped myself on my bed, gasping for air as I stared at the ceiling.


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Even so, I couldn’t wait to run again. I’d have to be a little patient, however, as Angel’s much anticipated visit was the next evening.

C H A P T E R ▼

7

Homeward, Angel

Angel smiled as I opened the door, and the corners of my mouth curled up into a grin all on their own. The nervousness in my stomach disappeared at the sight of him. “Is that Angel? Why don’t you boys come into the kitchen for some milk and cookies?” called Mom. Mom and her milk and cookies: I think it was her way of showing love. I didn’t mind the repetition. Mom’s cookies were terrific! Soon Angel and I were seated at the kitchen table. It could’ve been a repeat of two evenings before when he’d first come to my house, only now I was much more at ease. I watched as he chewed a cookie, tiny crumbs gathering at the edges of his mouth before he wiped them away. “Your cookies are delicious, Mrs. James,” said Angel. “Thank you, Angel. Aren’t you polite?” Angel flashed Mom his charming smile. “Hey, Kurt, you want to come out to the farm this evening? I can show you around.” “Can I, Mom?” I asked, turning toward my mother where she was working on meat loaf. I remembered then that I hadn’t had the opportunity to ask if Angel wanted to stay for supper. “Well, I don’t want you to be any trouble for Angel’s mother.”

- 75 -

Homeward, Angel

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“I asked Mom before school,” said Angel. “She said Kurt’s welcome to stay for supper.” Angel dug into his pocket and pulled out a slip of paper. “She sent a note, with our phone number.” He handed it to Mom, who placed it on the countertop. “I suppose it’s okay, then.” Mom wrote out her own note with our number on it and handed it to Angel. “Here, give this to your mother so she’ll have our number in case she needs to reach you while you’re here.” Angel slipped the note into his pocket. I liked what the exchanging of phone numbers implied: that Angel and I might be spending a lot of time together. I barely knew him, but I really liked him. Minutes later, we were walking out the front door. “Hey, you want to run?” asked Angel. “I saw you running the other day. You training?” “Yeah, I’m trying to get into better shape for baseball.” “Cool. Coach wants us to run. He thinks we’ll get around the bases faster. You thinking about trying out for varsity next year?” “Nah, I’ll never be good enough for varsity. I’m just barely getting by in JV. If I get into another slump like I did recently, Coach’ll probably cut me.” “Hey, I’ve seen you play, and you aren’t bad.” “You’re being polite.” “No, but anyway…why don’t I help you out? Maybe I can show you a few tricks.” “I’d really appreciate that,” I said. “Good, then we’ll put that on our list of things to do.” “Near the top!” Angel laughed. He was really, really cute when he smiled. “Let’s go,” I said. “You lead the way because I don’t know where I’m going.” “It’s not that far,” said Angel. He took off at a good pace, but one not beyond me. Angel had longer legs, but he was somewhat more muscular, so he had more weight to carry. For running, we were pretty evenly matched. Angel ran just ahead of me, his ponytail swinging back and forth between his shoulders. It came most of the way down his back. I didn’t know anyone else with hair that long. I wondered what Mom thought about it. She hadn’t said anything, so I guess she was okay with it. She probably didn’t mind, because Angel was so polite and so clean. That’s something I’d noticed long before—how clean he was. His hair was always silky and looked as if it’d just been washed.

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When I was close to him, which hadn’t happened until recently, he smelled a little like Ivory soap. We were both wearing jeans and t-shirts, and I got a bit warm as we ran along the old road, which varied from blacktop to gravel. I was glad for the warmth. My favorite season was summer when it was bright and hot. The sunshine always made me feel so happy and alive. I looked to the sides of the road as we ran. Both were lined with trees. In some places they joined over the road and created a shady tunnel. Old fencing ran between the trees. On this side of the fence was deep green grass with patches of wildflowers and orange and yellow daylilies here and there. On the other side were vast fields with tender young crops reaching for the sun. Here and there were giant trees in the fields, and the edge of a forest was just beyond. I loved trees. I was happy to live in a place where there were plenty of them. I pulled even with Angel, and he turned to grin at me. Sweat beaded on his forehead as we ran on past open fields. Houses were few and far between south of ours, and it turned out that Angel was actually my next-door neighbor, although his house was nearly a mile from mine. I got my first glimpse of his home when it was still far off. I could see the upper story, partly obscured by trees. As we drew closer, I could see it was a big, old farmhouse, much bigger than our home, which was a farmhouse once. Farther back, I could see a large barn and some other outbuildings, including a couple of silos, but much was hidden by trees. We ran past newer barbed-wire fencing on our left. Cattle lazily approached to see who was passing their way. There was a big open pasture that looked like it ran right up near Angel’s home. We turned left and slowed as our feet hit a long and winding rock drive. Soon we were walking, cooling down from our run. Angel veered left off the driveway and walked to the fence where some of the cattle were approaching. They came right up to the fence, and he petted them. I cautiously reached out and stroked one on the nose. I turned to Angel and grinned. “You like animals,” he said. “Yeah, but I’m not around them much.” “Well, we have plenty of them here—cattle, goats, chickens, ducks, geese, a few cats, pigs, and a pony. Sometimes we have sheep, but not right now. Dad’s a full time farmer, and we have a couple of hands who live out back of the house.” “Cool,” I said. “I can’t wait to explore.” “You won’t have to wait long,”

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Angel didn’t take me in the house, but around the side of it. There was a large garden to the south, bigger than I’d ever seen before. A woman was spreading fertilizer over the newly tilled earth. I watched as she cranked the handle, and little pellets flew over the garden. We walked closer. “Mom, Kurt’s here,” called Angel. Angel’s mom turned toward us and smiled. She looked about the age of my mom, probably in her late 30s or very early 40s. She was extremely attractive, and I could tell where Angel got his looks. Angel gave her a kiss on the cheek and a hug. Once again, I was seeing a totally different Angel than the one I’d observed at school. Gone were the hard edge and the toughness. He was sweet and caring. Seeing him like that gave me a funny feeling in my chest that was connected to an emotion, although I couldn’t quite pin it down. It made me like Angel all the more, but there was even more to it than that. Angel’s mom smiled at me. “So you’re the Kurt that Angel has been telling me so much about.” Angel turned slightly pink and looked away. “I must be,” I said, wondering if I sounded stupid. If so, Angel’s mom gave no hint of it. “Kurt’s staying for supper, if that’s okay,” said Angel. He handed his mom the note from mine. “We’re going to explore.” “Of course it’s okay. Be back in an hour and a half,” said Mrs. Egler. We walked toward a large red barn with white trim. It was fenced off from the yard, and there were some two-dozen chickens of all types running around. Angel led me through a gate, and the chickens all but ignored us as we passed. “I’ll show you the hayloft sometime. It’s one of my favorite places, but it’s a bit hot up there before dark, even at this time of year.” Images of being with Angel in the dark hayloft entered my mind, and I pictured myself kissing him before I forced my mind to stop. I wouldn’t let my perverted side win. I wouldn’t allow it to mess up a friendship that was only beginning. We passed the barn, and I soon found myself surrounded by cattle. They took more notice of us than the chickens and walked right up to us. I was nervous. It was one thing when they were on the other side of a fence, but quite another when there was nothing separating us. I was suddenly aware of how large they were. “Don’t be afraid, they’re gentle,” said Angel. “Aren’t you, Bessie?” Angel lovingly petted a large white and black cow as she gazed at him with huge eyes.

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I tentatively reached out and patted Bessie and then stroked her side. She was kind of like a really big dog. “Isn’t it hard when…” I paused, not knowing if I should complete my question. I decided to rephrase it. “I mean…when they take the cattle away, aren’t you sad?” I wasn’t a farm boy, but I knew what happened to cattle. They ended up as steaks and hamburgers. “We only have dairy cows,” said Angel. “Dad sells off some of the calves every year, but none of them go to the slaughter house, if that’s what you mean.” “Oh! I was wondering how you could stand getting so close to them knowing what would happen.” “Yeah, that would be tough. The hogs get sent off to market, so I don’t make pets of them. The cattle are different, though, and we only keep chickens for the eggs. If we want fried chicken we get it at the grocery like everyone else. It’s way too much trouble plucking one, not to mention just plain nasty.” We walked on a short distance to a small building made of logs. “This is the smokehouse,” said Angel. “We don’t actually use it, but my granddaddy did. He used to smoke hams and stuff in here. You can still smell them.” Angel opened the door and we stepped inside. It did smell like smoked ham. It made me hungry. We didn’t linger long, but instead set out across the fields. Some of them were newly plowed, and I could see an old tractor chugging along in the distance. “That’s my dad,” said Angel. “He does most of the farming. I help out, but he’s really good about letting me play baseball and having time for fun. He’s says I only get to be young once. We have farm hands that handle a lot of the work.” “So you don’t have to get up at 5 a.m. and slop the hogs, huh?” “Nope, Andy and Bob do all that. I help with the milking sometimes, and I feed the chickens and gather the eggs before school, but that’s not too tough.” “Think you’ll take over for your dad someday?” “I don’t know if I want to be a farmer. It’s a lot of work. I might if I could get help to do most of it for me, but I’d want more farm hands than Dad has. I’m not really sure what I want to do yet. I’d kind of hate leaving here, though. This farm has been in my family for over a hundred years.” We walked in silence for awhile, and I looked out over the fields. They spread out about as far as I could see in every direction, except north where I could see a line of trees that wasn’t far from my own home. I was glad I lived close to Angel.

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“Hey, did you hear they found a shoe in the woods by the school that they think was Matt Taber’s?” I asked to make conversation. It was kind of hard to think of things to say to Angel sometimes. We were still in that awkward stage where we didn’t know enough about each other for words to come easy. Angel looked startled. “No.” “Yeah, it was in the paper. It said the shoe was his size and matched the pair he was wearing the last time he was seen.” “Weird,” said Angel. “You were with him the day he disappeared, weren’t you?” “Yeah, a few of us from the team were with him. Sometimes, we walk home together after practice.” “I wonder what his shoe was doing out there. You think someone kidnapped him or something?” “Who knows?” said Angel, shrugging. He seemed uncomfortable. “Hey, did you hear the rumor that you and Adam kidnapped me, took me to the woods, and worked me over?” “Yeah, I heard that one,” said Angel, laughing. “We supposedly kept you out there all night, torturing you without leaving any visible marks. It’s crazy.” “At least the story makes you look good.” “Yeah. Reputations are important. You do a really good job of looking frightened of me at school, by the way.” “Hey, it’s the least I can do for that guy who didn’t pound my face in.” Looking at Angel, it seemed impossible he’d hurt anyone. I wondered about the rumors about him and that girl and all the others, but I didn’t ask. I didn’t want him to think I was nosy, and I wasn’t sure I was ready for the answers. Angel was a complex boy. “Hey, you want to leave the exploring for another day and play catch or something?” asked Angel. “Sure.” Angel led me back toward the house. I sat down on a big wooden lawn chair under an apple tree as I waited for him to go to his room and get a ball. He came back not only with a baseball, but with a bat and two mitts as well. “Let’s see how well you catch,” he said, tossing me a mitt and stepping back several yards. I was slightly fearful to display my lack of skills in front of Angel. What if he decided I wasn’t cool enough to be his friend? That was just plain silly. Varsity practiced separately from JV, but he’d seen me practicing plenty of times. He already knew I was inept.

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Angel tossed me the ball and I caught it, but then promptly dropped it. “Hey,” he said, “watch how I catch the ball.” I tossed it to him, and he snagged it out of the air with his glove. “You see that?” “See what? I saw you catch it.” “Yeah, but did you see how I caught it? I had to reach for it, so I covered the ball with my other hand as soon as it hit my glove. That way it couldn’t just fall back out. Gloves are great for catching, but not for holding on.” “I guess I’m not too observant.” “Here,” he said, tossing the ball back to me, “watch carefully this time.” I threw him the ball again and he caught it just like before. “Yeah, I saw it that time!” “Good. That’s what you need to start doing. You’ll drop the ball a lot less often that way.” I caught Angel’s next throw in my glove and covered it with my other hand just like he’d shown me. I didn’t drop the ball. “Now, let me show you another way to catch.” I carefully watched Angel as I tossed the ball to him. He ran up and caught it close to his body, then curled the glove into his chest. “See, it’s like holding your free hand over the ball, but you’re holding the ball against your body to keep from losing it. That method works well when you can get under the ball.” “Gotcha.” We threw the ball back and forth. I dropped it a lot. Sometimes, I couldn’t remember to catch like Angel had shown me. Sometimes, I tried and failed, and others I just plain missed the ball. I was getting a little better, though. With time, maybe I wouldn’t be such a handicap for my team in the outfield. A gentle breeze blew over the fields, bringing with it the scent of newly plowed earth. From the barn came the scent of hay, and the combination was definitely pastoral. I found myself dreaming of farm life, living on the Egler farm with Angel, gathering eggs, milking cows. It seemed like heaven. Angel was so different from Tommy. I’d been close friends with Tommy for what seemed like forever, and now I was beginning to get close to Angel. We were just at the beginning of our friendship, but I just knew we’d be friends. There was something there with Angel that wasn’t there with Tommy, and I’m not just talking about my perverted attraction to him. I hadn’t known the sensitive and kind Angel long, but I already cared for him, as if years of friendship lay behind us. The mere sight of him made me happy. I felt as if there was something

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inside my chest that pulled me toward him. That doesn’t explain what I felt exactly, but it’s as close as I can come. How can I explain a feeling I don’t even understand myself? Standing there in the yard with Angel, throwing the ball back and forth, talking and laughing, was a golden moment. It was one of those moments that define a life, or at least a part of it. I just knew that some day, when I was old and gray, I’d remember the boy I was, playing catch with Angel Egler. Would we still be friends then, or would the years tear us apart? I couldn’t bear the thought of not having Angel in my life. How odd was it that I should feel so strongly for someone I’d feared most of my life? Before we knew it, time for supper had come. I didn’t see how an hour and a half could’ve passed, but it had. I enjoyed my time with Angel so much that time just flew by. There was a larger group at supper than I was expecting. In addition to Angel, his parents, and myself, there were the two field hands, Andy and Bob. The field hands were younger than I anticipated, both in their late 20s. They were pretty good looking, too, and were nicely muscled under their shirts. I surreptitiously eyed them while we sat at the table. Andy caught me gazing at his left bicep which bulged out like a baseball. He flexed it a few times after that, and I think it might’ve been for my benefit. I wanted more than anything to feel it. Supper blew me away. Mom was known to cook quite a lot, but Mrs. Egler set out a spread that reminded me of Thanksgiving. There was no turkey, but there were pork chops, cooked apples, mashed potatoes, corn, peas, hot buttered rolls, slaw, salad, and both apple and banana cream pie. Angel’s family wasn’t at all like I’d pictured, although I hadn’t spent a great deal of time thinking about it. They were way more like mine than I would’ve ever imagined. If I had given them much consideration, I would’ve thought they were more like Tommy’s parents, who ate supper in front of the TV on trays. That wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. I even yearned to give it a try. But Angel’s parents seemed just as reserved as mine. I was expecting them to be a bit more…unusual, I guess, but maybe everyone in Blackford was normal—except for me, of course. The very scents that filled the kitchen were heavenly. Each bowl and platter was steaming, wafting its own enticing aroma into the air. If I hadn’t been hungry already, one whiff of the pork chops, mashed potatoes, and yeast rolls would’ve made me so. Everything tasted even better than it smelled, too! It didn’t seem possible, but it was true. I kept eating and eating. I just couldn’t stop.

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Angel’s parents were as friendly as he was. Bob was quiet, but kind. Andy frightened me a little, but I think that was because he’d caught me looking at his bicep. He looked at me a lot during supper, and I felt like he knew my secret. He wasn’t belligerent, but there was an accusing glint in his eye that I found uncomfortable to bear. I was mostly able to push Andy out of my mind and focus on eating and talking with Angel and his parents. I usually wasn’t comfortable with adults, except for Ryan, but I was with Mr. and Mrs. Egler. They made me feel right at home. I was feeling comfortably full and sleepy by the time we pulled our chairs back from the table. I turned down a third slice of pie, although both the apple and banana cream were beyond delicious. I simply couldn’t hold any more. If I ate like that every day, I imagined even I would put on some weight. Angel was sure lean, however, and he’d put away nearly as much as I had. Angel led me outside. The sun had nearly set, and the sky was purple and blue. The air was cool and I felt a slight chill through my t-shirt. We walked out behind the house and leaned on an old wooden fence. I could hear frogs croaking in the distance, probably sitting on the edges of the little lake Angel had mentioned, but hadn’t shown me yet. The insects were getting up their songs, too, and even an owl hooted in the distance. “Bats,” said Angel, pointing up. I peered into the sky and could soon make out some half-dozen bats swooping and diving for insects. Angel picked up a small pebble and tossed it into their midst. One dove for it. “I wonder where they stay during the day,” I said. “I have no idea—probably in the woods somewhere. They’re out every night, though, and usually there’s a lot more of them.” We stood there in silence for a long time before Angel spoke again. “I’m glad you came,” he said. “Yeah, me, too. It’s been fun. You’re so different when you’re not at school.” “Well, we all play parts, don’t we? I bet you act different with your parents than you do with the guys on your team. And you probably act different with me than you do with your brother.” “Yeah, that’s true. I never thought about it before. If my parents knew some of the things Sam and I say to each other, they’d ground us for sure. Of course, Sam is grounded as often as not.” Angel laughed. The stars were coming out, silvery points of light in a cobalt sky. “It’s beautiful,” I said.

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“Yeah, sometimes I like to just come out and watch the stars and think of nothing. Some nights I bring out a blanket and sleep outside all night long.” Angel turned and gazed at me. I wondered if he had any idea how good looking he was. We were standing mere inches apart. Once again I yearned to kiss him, this time with all my heart. I wondered what it would feel like to press my lips against his. Angel reached out and stroked my hair, only to draw his hand back awkwardly. For a fleeting moment I saw something in his eyes that made me feel as if he shared the yearning in my heart. That couldn’t be, however. I was one of a kind. I wished I wasn’t. At that moment all I wanted was to be with Angel forever. “I guess I should be getting home,” I said. “I’ll walk you.” “You don’t have to.” “I want to.” We left the fence and walked across the yard, golden light from the windows of the farmhouse falling in rectangles on the grass. Soon we were on the gravel drive and then the asphalt road. We walked under the stars in the quiet of the early night. Only the frogs, insects, and our own footsteps disturbed the stillness. I could almost have sworn we were the only two people on the whole earth just then, and I think that would’ve suited me just fine. It took no time at all for us to reach the gate of the white picket fence that surrounded my home. I wanted to linger with Angel, but I could think of no excuse. “See you tomorrow evening?” he asked. “I’d like that,” I said. “You can stay for supper. I was supposed to ask you today, but I didn’t have the chance.” I wished we could be friends at school like we were when alone. “I’ll come right after practice.” We both lingered for a few moments more. “Well, see ya,” said Angel. “See ya.” ✶

✶

✶

✶

If Angel would’ve been a girl, I knew I would have been in love. I felt like I was, anyway, but one boy could not love another, not like that. I guess I loved Tommy in a way, and my dad in another, and even my brother in yet a different

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way still, but none of those loves was like what I was feeling for Angel. No, it couldn’t be love. My perverted side was warping my feelings somehow. I should have been feeling for Angel what I felt for Tommy, but it all got messed up somehow, because I was attracted to him. I didn’t want to be attracted to Angel. I valued our budding friendship and didn’t want anything to mess it up. I wanted to run with Angel, play catch with him, talk to him and explore his farm with him. I wanted to do anything and everything with him, but I risked losing it all if he discovered the disgusting thoughts that ran through my head. Those thoughts didn’t seem all that disgusting to me. What did I want, after all? I yearned to kiss him and hold him in my arms. Was that really so horrible? It didn’t feel so very bad, but it was. I was a boy and so was Angel. It wasn’t right for one boy to want that with another. If one of us was a girl it would’ve all been okay, but as it was, it was unnatural. I sat on the edge of my bed, still seeing Angel’s beautiful face bathed in moonlight. I was beyond thrilled at what was happening between us, but it only made combating my evil side that much harder. I wasn’t going to give up on what we had because of my abnormality, however. I just had to find some way not to think about Angel like that. I fought the perverted side of myself when it tried to surface in the locker room and showers. I fought it when it tried to assert itself and make me think of things I shouldn’t be thinking. I’d just have to fight it when I was with Angel, too. It was the hardest then, but that was also when it was the most vital that I win the battle. Nothing could be allowed to get in the way of my friendship with Angel. A sense of excitement buzzed in the air as I walked through the halls at school the next day. Angel, Adam, and Jesse, who was also on the varsity team, passed me in the hallway. They were a trio of bad boys, and kids scrambled to get out of their way as they passed. Angel’s eyes met mine for only a moment, and he raised a blond eyebrow. His facial expression didn’t change in the slightest, but I felt as if my best friend had just smiled and waved at me. I continued on, our eye contact unnoticed. No one in the whole school knew that Angel was my friend. I reveled in the secrecy. Sure, it would have been nice to do things with Angel in public as I did with Tommy, but the necessary concealment of our relationship added a thrill of danger. My friendship with Angel was kind of like a rollercoaster ride. My heart pounded in fear as the coaster climbed higher and higher. I screamed as it careered down sharp inclines, me nearly in a panic. At the same time I thrilled to the rush of excitement and felt an exhilaration I never did standing safely on the ground.

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My day was uneventful. It was school, so what do you expect? I spent most of it thinking about Angel and baseball practice. I don’t know if I could’ve tolerated school if it wasn’t for baseball. Sometimes, looking forward to practice or a game was the only thing that got me through my day. Otherwise, I would have likely keeled over from sheer boredom. I did like some things about school. I loved to read, so English was cool sometimes. I had lots of friends at school, too, although they were all guys from the team, so maybe they could be considered part of baseball. It gave me a sense of security knowing they’d be waiting for me to sit with them at lunch every day. I knew I’d see them all at practice, too. My friends and baseball: They were my life, and now Angel was thrown into the mix, dominating all. I was eager to see Angel again, but I thoroughly enjoyed baseball practice. We were working on catching, and something totally awesome happened. I had a reputation at being just about the worst on the team when it came to catching the ball. Okay, I was the worst. That’s why I was almost always stuck out in right field. Anyway, Coach Marley popped a ball in my direction, and the whole team was waiting on me to miss it so they could have their turn, when something completely unexpected happened. I caught it! I ran up under the ball just as Angel had taught me, caught it in my mitt and curled my mitt into my chest before the devious ball had a chance to escape. All the guys starting hollering and cheering like I’d just won the World Series for them. Coach even yelled, “Good job, James!” I felt like I could fly. I was too elated to even pay much attention to my naked teammates in the showers, and that made me feel even better about myself. Maybe my attraction to boys was a passing thing, a phase. I wished I knew for sure. What a relief it would be to find out I wasn’t some kind of freak after all. I was in and out of the showers and locker room before the varsity team showed up, so I didn’t see Angel. I regretted that, but I’d be seeing him soon enough anyway. I went out and sat on the worn steps of the old gym to wait on Tommy. I propped myself up against the wall and gazed across the street to downtown Blackford. I felt Whitney’s Antiques calling to me, but this evening I had better things to do. I wondered for a moment if Ryan was sitting in his garden and if he was wearing a shirt or not. I bet no one would have ever guess that a fifteen-year-old boy like me could have such disturbing and strange thoughts. The Nudo twins pushed open the glass doors and stepped outside. Tanner nudged Tyler when he saw me sitting there, and they walked toward me. I’d grown used to them over the years, but my mind was always a bit rattled when

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my eyes set sight on the identical twins. It was like my brain thought something was wrong and I was seeing double. “We were wondering,” said Tyler, “if you’d like to spend some time with us.” “We could go for ice cream or a burger or something,” said Tanner. “And then maybe go to our place,” said Tyler. The twins didn’t finish each others sentences, but it was almost as if two mouths were speaking the thoughts of one mind. I wondered if they weren’t psychically linked or something. “Um, yeah, why not?” I asked. I’d never hung out with the Nudos, but they were cool guys. “When?” “How about now?” “Can’t. I’m…” I nearly said I was going to be hanging out with Angel, but I caught myself in time. “I’ve already got plans.” “Oh,” said Tanner, looking very disappointed. “This evening would have been great. Our parents are going to be gone.” There was something in his tone of voice that immediately caught my attention. The way the twins were gazing at me set off an alarm in my head, too. Their invitation was more than it seemed. I remembered the looks the twins had flashed me in the locker room, and I thought of the rumors about them. Suddenly my jeans grew tighter in the front, and unwanted images flooded my mind. I’d been doing so well, but my control was crumbling. My thoughts got away from me, and I gazed at the twins longer than I should have. They were both really cute, with unruly black hair, soulful brown eyes, and year-round tans. They had nice bodies, too, as I’d observed in the showers, smooth and firm and nicely muscled. I tore my eyes away from them, and when I looked back they were gazing at me with understanding. I feared very much they could read my mind. They both grinned demurely at me. “Well, when you have the time, we’d really like to get together with you,” said Tyler. I’d never heard such a seductive voice. Was it intentional or was I imagining it? Tommy came out of the gym just then and rescued me, although I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to be rescued. Part of me wanting to get right up and follow the twins home. I think I would’ve done it had it not been for Angel. I’d see him soon, and that I wanted more than anything else. I watched as the twins departed and struggled to get myself under control. Thankfully, my excitement wasn’t very noticeable as I stood. “You ready?” asked Tommy.

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“Yeah.” “That was an awesome catch you made today, Kurt.” “Thanks. Let’s run.”

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C H A P T E R ▼

8

My First Kiss

I just about melted when Angel smiled. His eyes seemed to sparkle as he stood in the doorway. He had such beautiful blue eyes. I nearly forgot to speak at the sight of them. “Um, hey…I’m glad you’re here. Come on in. We’re having supper early tonight because my sis is babysitting later.” “Cool.” “Yeah, my family has this thing about eating together at the table.” “Sounds familiar.” “Just be glad my brother is at work or you’d have to endure his lack of wit.” Angel grinned. Oh my gosh. Something weird was going on with my feelings for Angel. Perhaps it was merely my battle against perverted thoughts, but I had the feeling it was something more. My struggle against my perv side wasn’t going that well anyway. I still wanted Angel, but when I looked at him, my first thoughts weren’t unnatural, at least not as unnatural as they’d been. I didn’t think it was exactly normal to think he was beautiful (although he sure was). Nor was it normal to feel like I was in love with him. The feeling of love confused me. Sexual thoughts about another guy were dirty, just like touching myself, but wasn’t love always supposed to be a good thing? How could love be connected to something bad? I led Angel into the kitchen where Ida was setting the table and helping Mom set out the last steaming bowls of mashed potatoes, green beans, and corn. A plat- 89 -

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ter stacked high with fried chicken already graced the middle of the table as if it was a centerpiece. A hot apple pie sat cooling on the counter. When Ida’s eyes lit on Angel, she stopped dead cold and gawked. Remembering herself, she smiled. “Angel, this is my sister, Ida.” “I’ve seen you at school,” said Angel. “I’ve seen you, too. You’re a baseball player.” “Yeah,” he said, grinning. From that moment on Ida’s eyes never left Angel’s face, except when they drifted down over his body or when she realized she was staring and forced herself to look away for the short while. Obviously Ida thought Angel was beautiful, too. It seemed unfair that she could have such thoughts about him without guilt, and I couldn’t. Dad joined us in the kitchen, carrying a large wooden ice-cream freezer. He set it in the sink. It’d been a long time since we’d had homemade ice cream. I couldn’t wait; there was little better than homemade ice cream on hot apple pie. We all sat down to supper. Angel charmed everyone. Of course, my sister was charmed the moment she set eyes on him. I was amused by it in a way, but I realized I was jealous, too. I knew that was irrational, but I couldn’t help myself. Angel and I were friends and that’s all we could ever be. There were no other possibilities, so why did I care? Even if Angel and Ida started dating or something, it didn’t have to change things between us. My hand halted halfway to my mouth, a fork full of mashed potatoes froze in midair. The thought of Angel dating Ida upset me. The thought of him with anyone but me upset me. Maybe I had more problems than I thought. After supper, while Angel went upstairs to the bathroom, Ida pulled me into the hall. “Do you know if he has a girlfriend?” “Who?” “Angel! Who do you think?” “Oh. I don’t think so, but I don’t really know.” “He’s so cute.” I had to agree with her there, but of course I said nothing. “See if he likes me.” “What is this, grade school? Ask him yourself.” “I can’t.” “Well, figure it out for yourself, then. I can’t ask him something like that.”

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Ida pouted, but didn’t press me. I tried not to scowl, but I didn’t like the idea of her asking about Angel at all. I felt fiercely protective of him, and jealous. Angel returned and endeared himself to my mother even further by offering to help with the dishes. She wouldn’t hear of it, of course, but she was absolutely delighted that he’d offered. I was beginning to wonder if my image as the “good son” wasn’t being damaged by Angel. Compared to Sam I was an angel, but Angel was even more considerate, courteous, and kind than I was. It was no act either, unless it was an excellent one. Angel was a completely different boy when we were alone, or with my family or his. It was like the Angel I knew at school was his evil twin or something. Outside of school his personality was consistent, though. His kindness wasn’t something he turned on and off. I think he just hid it at school and when he was around the other jocks. After supper, Angel and I ran to his house. I enjoyed running alone, but I loved running with Angel at my side. We didn’t speak as we ran, but the companionship was comfortable and comforting. Angel’s ponytail whipped from side to side as his muscular legs raced over the pavement and gravel. I found myself wondering how it would look if he let his hair loose. I’d never seen him without his hair in a ponytail. Our run seemed to take no time at all, although my breath was coming fast, and my skin felt slightly damp under my shirt. Angel’s face was lightly covered with a sheen of perspiration, and his cheeks were reddened. I tried very hard not to gawk at him as my sister had. “I think Ida likes you,” I said, when we reached his farm, slowed to a walk, then stopped to pet the cattle. I hadn’t meant for those words to escape my lips, not that it was a big secret or anything. It’s just that…I don’t know…I didn’t want Angel to be interested in her. “You mean likes me?” “Yeah.” Angel shifted his eyes upward and to the right for a moment as if he was thinking. “Ida’s nice, but…let’s just say she’s not my type.” Angel locked his eyes on mine for a moment, and I had the impression he was trying to tell me something. If there was a message there, I wasn’t getting it. Angel began walking, and I followed along at his side. “So…tell me about your coin collection,” he said. I couldn’t believe he remembered it. I’d only mentioned it once in passing. “Do you collect coins?” I asked.

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“No. Well, I have one—an 1828 large cent. It’s not in good shape, though. It has a dent on one side. My dad gave it to me.” “That’s cool. I have an 1847 large cent in extra-fine condition. That’s a category that coin collectors use.” I peered at Angel. “Are you sure you’re really interested in this?” “Yeah. I want to know everything about you.” Angel smiled at me, as he did so often. His eyes gleamed. I almost felt as if he could communicate as much with his eyes as I could with words. I hoped I’d someday come to understand his language. “I have a few silver dollars—Morgans and Peace. Mostly I collect half dollars. I’ve got a whole collection of Franklins—one from every year right up to the present, although I don’t have them from every mint. Then, I have Buffalo and V nickels and I just bought a 1903 Indian Head penny.” “That sounds really cool.” “My best coin is something really out of this world. Well, out of this time anyway. It’s a silver Tetradrachm of Alexander the Great.” “I have no idea what that is, but it sounds impressive.” “It’s a coin about the size of a quarter, but thicker and it’s over 2,000 years old.” “Whoa! How’d you buy something like that?” asked Angel. I was pleased by his obvious astonishment. “It wasn’t as expensive as you’d think, although Mrs. Whitney let me have it cheap. She’s really cool, about the coolest adult I know.” I thought of Ryan, but thought it best not to mention him. “Anyway, it only cost me $15.” “That I’ve got to see sometime.” I went on a bit longer, but despite his protests to the contrary, I feared I might just bore Angel into unconsciousness. I couldn’t believe he was really interested in my coin collection. I was excited about it, but I’d never found anyone else who cared in the least. Sam thought it was downright stupid; but then he would. It was a beautiful evening in late April, and spring had come. I could smell it on the air. Everything was fast turning green, and leaves had sprung to life on the trees. It amazed me how quickly the trees turned from bare to fully leafed. Once the tiniest leaves appeared, they just seem to explode to their full size in a matter of hours. I halted and drew in a deep breath before moving on, and so did Angel. “I love spring,” he said. Had he been reading my thoughts? “Me, too.”

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“You know,” said Angel, “I can never decide which season I like best. I love summer, because it’s so bright and hot, but then fall is so beautiful with all the yellows, golds, and reds. I like the coolness of fall, too, and then there’s that scent that’s in the air. I don’t know what it is, the falling leaves, perhaps, but it just smells like…well…fall.” Angel grinned. “Yeah, I know what you mean. I can’t describe it either, but I know that scent.” “Winter is great, too, with the snow and frosty air, and, of course, it has the advantage of Christmas. I love Christmas, and I’m not just talking about getting presents, although that’s high up on my list. I just love the whole feeling of the holiday season—the lights, everyone Christmas shopping, the decorations, the secret stashes of packages, baking Christmas cookies with Mom and me helping Dad find just the right tree.” Angel created images in my mind. I could almost feel the snow crunching under my feet and the icy breeze reddening my cheeks. “I don’t know, though, spring might be my favorite. I love Daffodils—they smell so good—and I love their yellow blooms. Spring has its own scent too— fresh and clean. It’s like everything is new.” No one at school, and I mean no one, would believe me if I told them Angel Egler had been talking about flowers and his love for the seasons. I’d never breathe a word of it, of course, but even if I did, he had no need to worry. Once again it seemed as if bad-boy Angel from school was the evil twin of the young man who now walked at my side. We passed by newly plowed fields, some planted, some not, following paths made by a tractor as it made endless trips from field to field. In the center of the path, the grass was already getting a bit high, but where the wheels had passed, the grass was crushed into the earth, or just plain worn away. The Egler family farm was vast. We could’ve walked for miles between the fields. Angel kept looking at me, not staring, not gawking at me the way my sister had at him, but he looked at me over and over as we walked. It’s only natural that he’d look at me from time to time; you didn’t just ignore someone you were walking and talking with after all. But there was something more to it than that. I liked the attention, and it didn’t make me uncomfortable, but I just wondered why. I had a funny feeling in my chest as I walked by Angel’s side. It was like part of my insides had risen higher in my torso than normal. I was kind of nervous, too. Neither was a bad feeling, but I didn’t understand what I was feeling, or why. “The sun is beginning to set,” said Angel. “I want to show you something.”

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He grasped my hand for a moment and pulled me back the way we’d come. As he did so, I caught a glimpse of him swallowing hard and of his eyes widening for a moment. He kept hold of my hand for several long, wonderful moments and then gently released it. We walked to the old barn, entered through a huge wooden door, and went inside. Angel didn’t pause to show me around, but instead led me to a ladder and began to climb. Moments later we were standing in the hayloft. It was a bit warm, but the evening air was flowing through the large open door that faced out toward the fields, cooling the loft fast. Angel led me to the open doorway and I gasped. “Incredible,” I said. The fields seemed to stretch out forever. Tiny little stalks of corn were just beginning to push their way free of the tilled earth in places. The real beauty came from the sky. The setting sun made the clouds glow red, and the sky itself was a rosy purple. No one had ever painted anything that even came close to matching what I saw before me. “I come up here and watch the sun set just about every evening,” said Angel. “I think it might be the most beautiful thing ever, and it’s always changing. It’s…I don’t have the words to express what I mean, but it’s beautiful.” I looked at Angel, and he grinned at me. His eyes met mine, and he swallowed. “Kurt…there’s something…” Angel took a deep breath. He reached out and took my hands in his. “I like you. I really like you,” he said. “I like you too,” I said, having never meant those words more than I did at that moment. “I don’t…I don’t know how to…” Was it my imagination, or was Angel Egler nervous? His hands seemed to tremble as they held mine, and his voice quivered slightly. Angel leaned in toward me, closer and closer. I stood there looking into his eyes, my own full of questions. Angel leaned in closer still and pressed his lips to mine. He kissed me. His lips were smooth and warm and ever so slightly parted. My entire body felt like it was set on fire with want and need. I quickly jerked away. I stared at Angel with my mouth open. I felt like my jaw might hit the floor. “You kissed me!” “I really like you, Kurt. If you don’t feel the same way about me, I’ll accept it, but I pray that you do. I like you soooo much.” I swallowed hard. Was I having a dream? “Don’t be afraid of me. I’d never hurt you. I love you,” said Angel.

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My eyes must’ve grown two sizes larger. I wasn’t ready for this. It just sailed in out of the blue, flying in the face of everything I thought I knew. It wasn’t even possible. “I…I…” Part of me wanted to bolt from the barn and just keep on running. I needed to be alone with my own thoughts. I needed to figure things out. I knew, however, that no matter how many times I went over things in my head, I’d never figure them out. To understand I needed Angel. “You love me? But…but I’m a boy. You’re a boy.” “Believe me, I know,” said Angel. “But that’s…you…I…” I wrapped my arms around my own body and looked down at the hay beneath us. After a few moments I looked up again. “You’re not trying to trick me, are you? You’re not trying to…” “No. I’m telling you how I feel. I love you.” “But, a boy can’t love another boy—not like that.” “Why not?” “It’s just. It’s…I’ve never…no one is like that.” I very nearly said except me, but I stopped myself in time. “I’m like that. Lots of guys are like that.” “Really?” Had I been naïve all my life, or was I naïve now to believe him? “Listen, I know what people say, but I’ve always known I liked boys. I’ve never found one before that…that I thought might like me back.” Angel looked at me, imploring me with his eyes to say I liked him, too. “I do like you.” “But, do you like me the way I like you?” asked Angel. My lip trembled and my eyes filled with water. Could I reveal my deepest, darkest secret to Angel Egler? Could I reveal even a part of the perverted side I’d been trying so desperately to hide and destroy? I thought I’d take my secret with me to the grave, but there he stood, telling me he loved me, and I knew in my heart he meant it. How could love be wrong? “Yes,” I said so quietly it was almost a whisper. Angel smiled with pure joy. He hugged me. He wrapped his strong arms around me and hugged me tight against chest. I could feel his heart beating. I could feel his muscles. I felt safe as he hugged me. I leaned my head on his shoulder and squeezed him hard. Angel released me and looked into my eyes.

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“You’ve made me very happy, Kurt. And you don’t know what a relief this is. If you’d run away…if you’d told anyone…well, that would’ve been the end of me.” I realized what a tremendous risk Angel had taken in revealing himself to me. He’d risked his very life. What if I’d bolted from him and told others what he’d told me? True, he could have denied it, but once spoken the seed of doubt would have been planted in many minds. There would be those who believed, and if Angel ever slipped up, he’d be doomed. I’d never known anyone with courage as great as Angel’s. Angel kissed me again. I nearly jerked away once more out of instinct, but I didn’t. Instead, I kissed him back. I’d wanted to kiss him so many times I couldn’t count. I’d fought to keep myself from thinking about it, but, oh, how I’d wanted it. Our lips moved against one another. It was pure bliss. I thought at that moment that kissing must be the most wonderful thing in the world. My body reacted to the kiss. My heart pounded hard, and my breath came nearly as fast as it did when I ran. I moved my hips away from Angel so he wouldn’t feel the other way in which my body was responding. I didn’t know how far this was supposed to go. I didn’t know which of my feelings and desires were okay and which were not. Before he’d kissed me, I’d believed all my desires for other boys were perverted, but it seemed I’d been wrong. Still, I was exploring uncharted territory that was likely filled with danger. I didn’t want to risk my friendship with Angel. I didn’t want to risk losing the words he’d just spoken to me and meant. They were a treasure the likes of which I never thought would be mine. I’d never do anything to risk losing that. Our lips parted and Angel looked into my eyes once more and smiled. “Isn’t this wrong?” I asked. “One boy kissing another—isn’t it perverted?” “Some may say so, but they’re wrong,” said Angel. He sounded so sure of himself, so mature. He draped his arm across my shoulders, and we stood side by side as the sun sank lower and lower and finally disappeared altogether. Angel led me down the ladder and outside once more. He took my hand and we walked over the fields in the growing darkness. Despite all the uncertainties running around in my head, despite all my fears, I don’t think I’d ever been happier than I was at that moment. My uncertainties and fears had no power over me as Angel held my hand. I could feel his strength and confidence, and I drew strength from it.

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A thousand questions reared their heads within my mind, but I ignored them and squeezed Angel’s hand. I looked down at our joined hands, wishing I could go on holding Angel’s hand forever. Angel walked me home. We didn’t speak. There were too many things to say—and nothing to say. It didn’t matter. I’d never been so happy and content. We stopped in the shadows of the trees, near the gate that led into my yard. There Angel hugged me and kissed me yet again. I melted in his arms. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Kurt.” “And tomorrow evening? Oh wait, I can’t,” I said. “I have a game and then a lawn to mow.” “I’ll come watch you then.” “Really?” “Really.” “Goodnight.” “Goodnight.” Angel kissed me one last time, and I walked towards the golden light of home. ✶

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When I woke, a little part of me feared that what had happened between Angel and me the night before was some kind of trick. I knew in my heart it was not, but still a little piece of me was terrified he’d point a finger at me and utter the word that could destroy my life—homo. I guess that little part of me just couldn’t accept what had happened between us as reality. It went against everything I thought I knew, but perhaps I didn’t know as much as I thought. Angel gave me a sneer in the halls, but there was no accusing finger, no slur. The next time I crossed his path no one was around and he grinned at me. His act no longer bothered me because I knew how he really felt. The part he played was for his own protection and mine. When we were alone together, he was completely different—so sweet and kind. If our secret friendship had been exciting before, it was ten times more so now. Angel’s strength gave me courage. This was a secret that brought me no shame, unlike the perverted side of myself I’d been hiding. I was beginning to have second thoughts on that secret, too. If it was okay to like other boys and okay to kiss them, what else might it be okay to do with them? Angel had changed my world—in a good way. I had a lot of thinking to do. I was barely aware of my teachers and almost unaware of myself as I moved from class to class. My head was too filled with

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thoughts of Angel and with reassessing my entire life. Okay, not my whole life, but it felt that way. I was pretty much spinning my wheels when it came to figuring out if my perverted thoughts were really perverted, or if I just thought they were. I decided that my best course was to ask Angel. It wouldn’t be easy, but I was pretty sure he knew the answers. We were practically the same age, but he seemed so much older and wiser than I. I’m no dummy, but I’m not talking about stuff you learn in school. I’m talking about life. Angel was quite obviously completely at ease with the fact he liked boys. I’d thought I was the only boy in the whole universe who liked other boys instead of girls, with the possible exception of the Nudo twins, but I’d been wrong. Angel knew lots more than I did about such things. As hard as it would be to ask the questions, I was desperate for the answers. Maybe I wasn’t such a pervert after all. That would sure be a relief. I wanted to be careful, though. I’d have to phrase my questions just right in case some of my thoughts and desires truly were degenerate. I didn’t want Angel turning against me. That would be the end. My path crossed that of Adam more than once during the day. I saw Joshua, Travis, and other guys from the varsity team, too. They mostly ignored me. If they took any notice of me, it was to flash me a condescending smirk. Ever since Angel had “kicked my butt,” they’d laid off with the threats and harassment. Angel had claimed me in front of his friends. I was his to pick on, and it was hands off for everyone else. Lucky for me they respected that. I knew Angel would continue to push me around for show, but it didn’t bother me. In fact it was the ideal way of keeping his gang from getting wise to what was really going on. I just wished there was some way we could be together without raising suspicion. I wanted to eat lunch with him and go on dates with him, but I couldn’t. I wanted to be with him all the time, but instead I could be at his side for only a short time each evening. I guess I should’ve been happy just to have him. I never thought I’d have a boy like him in my life. I never thought it was even possible. Angel Egler loved me. What could be better than that? I was happier than I’d ever been before. I felt like I was walking around with a summer day inside me. I was too happy. Something bad was bound to happen. That was the problem with being happy: It didn’t last. Sometimes it scared me. Just the year before, when things were really cool for me for several weeks in a row, I began to fear I was being allowed happiness because some tragedy lay ahead. My grades were awesome, and everything seemed to go my way. I began to get uneasy, however, worrying that maybe one of my parents was going to die or that I’d be mangled in some horrible accident and never be able to play base-

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ball again. Of course, those thoughts made me less happy, so I didn’t have to worry so much after that. Was this the same thing? Was I worried over nothing? I was probably just being stupid. When I thought about it, it was pretty dumb to be worried because things were going too well. There were more than enough things to worry about without adding happiness to the list. I was the only guy around who could take a good thing and make it into a problem. I thought too much. That was my problem. That was probably the one thing Sam was right about. It was difficult for me to just enjoy something. I had to think it through. The whole thing with Angel required a lot of thinking. It wasn’t just idle thinking, though; it was necessary. Angel loved me. It was true and not just because he said it. I could tell he meant it because of the way he said it, the look in his eyes, and the tone of his voice. I could hear the yearning, the emotion. I loved him, too. I had not yet said the words, but I could feel it inside me. It was partly a physical feeling, but there was a lot more to it. I can’t describe it, but I knew what I was feeling. I hadn’t loved another boy before. I’d admired and desired boys, but this was something different. Sure, I desired Angel. He was beautiful in every detail. When he held me and kissed me, my body just went crazy. It was like I had an electrical storm inside me. There was more to it, however. The desire I felt for Angel wasn’t the same as that I’d felt for other guys. Some of it was the same, but there was something more there. It was that something more that gave me hope that my feelings for Angel weren’t perverted. Some of what I was feeling almost had to be perverted, however. Boys weren’t supposed to get excited over other boys. They weren’t supposed to want to do stuff with them—sex stuff. To be honest, I wasn’t quite sure what it was I wanted to do, although some of what Sam had described was intriguing. I just knew I wanted to do something. The only time I heard anyone say something about boys like me was in hushed tones, like it was too horrible to even say out loud. I’d decided that boys who desired boys didn’t even really exist, except for me, but Angel had brought that idea crashing down. What did love mean? When Angel said, “I love you,” was there something sexual connected to it, or was it like when my mom or dad said it? Was it like when a boyfriend said it to a girlfriend, or was it something different entirely? The kiss made me think it was partly sexual. My mom kissed me sometimes, but not on the lips. Her kisses didn’t linger either. Angel had his lips on mine way longer than my mom’s lips had ever been on my cheek or forehead.

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All I’d ever heard about love was that it was a good thing. All I’d ever heard about boys like me was that they were wicked and nasty. Angel came along and upset my ideas, which is not to say I was upset, but that obviously something was wrong with the way I’d been thinking. Angel loved me. We were both boys. Love was always good, but two boys together was always bad. It was an equation that didn’t make sense. It was 2 + 2 = 12. I was beginning to wonder if my feelings for other boys were as bad as I thought. I didn’t see how love could be wrong, so the only possibility left was that liking other boys wasn’t wrong, either. Was I just seeing what I wanted? I didn’t want to be a pervert. I didn’t want to feel like a monster. Was I so desperate to be normal I was trying to think of perversion as normal? What I felt for Angel didn’t seem perverted, though, even the sexual parts. It didn’t seem perverted when he kissed me, either. It was wonderful and beautiful. Okay, I was doing too much thinking again. I’d just ask Angel. If he didn’t know, then I’d think on it more, but until then I’d try to control myself. He was coming to my game. Maybe we could talk when it was over.

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A Mature Point of View

There was no baseball practice the next day because we had a game. We were playing against the Forest Park Rangers from Ferdinand. Their varsity team was said to be unstoppable, but their JV team wasn’t supposed to be so tough. That was good, because we weren’t all that tough, either. I wished Angel would have had time to give me a few tips on batting, but what had passed between us was far more important. We were up to bat at the top of the first inning. I nervously sat in the dugout waiting for my turn. What if Angel saw how crappy I was at baseball and decided he didn’t like me anymore? I knew that thought was stupid the moment I thought it. Angel had seen me bat enough that he already knew I was crappy. Still, I wanted to look good in front of him. What if he hadn’t even come? There was no varsity practice because of the JV game, but what if he decided he had something better to do? Derek led off the game for us with a single, and two more singles by Tommy and Tanner loaded the bases. Tyler brought them all home with a grand slam and we jumped out front of the Rangers, 4-0. I would’ve given anything if I could get a hit, too, when my turn came. Finally, I was up at bat. We only had one out and the bases were loaded again. I looked into the stands as I made my way to home plate. I spotted Angel almost immediately, his long blond hair standing out like a beacon in the sun. He’d come, just like he said he would. - 101 -


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I spotted Ryan in the stands, too, sitting not all that far from Angel. He’d come to all my games, just to watch me play. Even my parents didn’t do that. Well, that I understood. They didn’t come because they just didn’t have the time, not because they didn’t care. Mom came to quite a few of my games actually, but even she couldn’t come to all of them. I was pleased Ryan cared enough about me to come to my games. He supported me, even though I wasn’t very good. He was like a second dad in a way or a much older brother, and he was definitely my friend. So much had changed since I’d run to Ryan for protection after the game that now seemed so long ago. Now the boy I’d feared was the one I loved, and he was sitting there in the stands cheering me on. Angel and Ryan. They were both there just to watch me. It pleased me, but the pressure was on. I stepped up to the plate. The Rangers’ pitcher, a tall, athletic looking boy with coal-black hair, sneered at me. He wound up and pitched. I swung and… “Strike one!” I stepped back from the plate, swung my bat back and forth, then took up my stance again and faced the pitcher’s mound. The Rangers’ hurler fired a fastball by me at about ninety miles per hour, it seemed, although I knew he couldn’t be throwing it that hard. “Strike two!” Focus, Kurt. Angel is watching. You want to look good in front of him, don’t you? Just keep your eye on the ball. I stepped up to the plate, concentrating on the ball. It came hurtling toward me again. “Ball!” “Good eye, Kurt!” yelled Tommy from the dugout. I flashed him a quick grin and then turned my attention back to the pitcher. I could hear the small crowd chatting, some of them trying to distract the pitcher, some trying to distract me, and some just talking. I did my best to tune them out. “Strike three! You’re out!” It happened almost before I knew it. I’d swung and missed at a curve that broke out of the strike zone. The worst part is that it was so obviously a ball. I’d let a case of nerves get to me. Well, at least I hadn’t swung at the first ball. That was something. I looked up into the stands as I made my way back to the dugout. Angel smiled at me. Suddenly, baseball didn’t even matter.


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The locker room was quiet as we stripped out of our uniforms and headed for the showers. It was like that when we lost, especially after blowing a big lead. I would have felt bad about my dismal batting performance, but my improved catching abilities more than made up for it. I even robbed one of the Rangers of a hit by spearing a line drive heading for the right field corner. Angel and Ryan had both cheered at the top of their lungs, and a good deal of the crowd did as well. I’d never had anyone cheering for me like that before. It was amazing. Overall, I had a better day than the team. More important that anything else, however, was Angel. I was 0-for-3 during the game, and every time he smiled at me as I walked back to the dugout as if it didn’t matter to him at all. It made my chest swell with happiness. As I turned on the shower and stepped under the warm miniature cloudburst, I wished Angel and I could date like a real couple. It would be so cool if we could go out and eat together and make eyes at each other across the table. It was a risk we could not take, but maybe someday… I lathered my hair with shampoo and ran soap over my body. All around me guys were doing the same. The sight had driven me crazy more times than I could count, but it was different now. I couldn’t see the naked boys around me clearly, because I was thinking of Angel. All the others had been reduced to mere scenery. I still recognized their male beauty, but it wasn’t so connected with want and need anymore. It was more like looking at beautiful roses, a cute puppy, or butterflies or something like that. There was still an edge of sexual attraction, but it was Angel I wanted. I didn’t know where things were going with Angel, but after we’d kissed everything seemed different. I felt like anything was possible. Suddenly, my view of the world altered and I was thrilled by the possibilities. There were so many unknowns, however, that I was not quite comfortable. There was so much that could go wrong, so much that was uncertain. I rinsed off, picked up a towel from Allen, rolled my eyes at his latest lame joke, and then dried off in the locker room. I dressed and departed, hurrying so I could get to Ryan’s and accomplish something before dark. Walking across the polished wooden gym floor, I daydreamed that Angel would be waiting on me outside the doors. He’d take me in his arms and kiss me. It wasn’t going to happen, of course, for more reasons than one, but it was sure


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nice thinking about it. Angel wasn’t waiting on me as I pushed open the door. No one was. I spotted Tommy’s parents and waved to them as I walked down the steps. They were waiting in their Chevy station wagon to take Tommy to Jasper, a town not all that far from Blackford. He’d invited me to come along, but I had my garden work at Ryan’s. I hurried along the sidewalk, across the street, and began to run. I loved to run. I wanted to get to Ryan’s as fast as possible, so racing along was an especially good idea. When I arrived, Ryan was just pulling into his garage. “I would have given you a lift, but I didn’t see you,” said Ryan. “No problem. It’s not that far, and now that I’m not a wanted man, life is easier.” “Not to mention safer,” said Ryan and laughed. When I’d told him the good news such a short time before, I think he’d been as relieved as I was. I was still amazed at the speed of events. Angel had been transformed from my enemy into my friend overnight, and now he was more than a friend. My world had changed and with the change had come new questions. Old questions took on a new importance, too. I’d considered asking Angel about a few things, but I was scared. I felt a little lost, and even though much of what I’d thought was so bad turned out to be okay, I wasn’t sure if that applied to everything going on in my life. I needed answers and I needed them now. As I was pulling weeds in Ryan’s garden, I thought of how close we’d become. He wasn’t just an employer; he was a friend. He cared about me. I knew he did. He’d gone out of his way to protect me from Angel, driving me home after I’d finished my yard work and after games. He didn’t owe me anything and yet he’d helped me when I really needed it. It turned out that the danger I’d feared wasn’t real after all, but that didn’t matter. Ryan was planting marigolds nearby. He was a comforting presence, strong and kind. When I’d been running in fear, he made me feel safe and I felt safe with him now, even though I was thinking about broaching certain topics I’d never dared to discuss with another living soul. Ryan was much older than I was. He’d experienced life as I had not. He had answers to my questions—at least some of them. “Listen, um…Ryan, do you mind if I ask you some stuff?” I hoped I didn’t sound as nervous as I felt. Despite being at ease around Ryan, it was harder than hard to broach certain topics. “You can ask me anything, although I can’t promise to answer.”


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“Fair enough,” I said. “Okay, go ahead.” He continued working with the marigolds, and I was thankful. I don’t think I could have spoken if he’d focused his attention solely on me. I didn’t say anything at all for several moments as it was. I couldn’t. “This is hard,” I said at last. “Hey, relax, Kurt. I’ll do my best to answer, and I won’t laugh at you or think less of you for whatever questions you put to me. You’re safe with me, but I think you already know that.” “Yeah, I do, but some stuff is just hard to talk about.” “Like sex?” “Yeah,” I said. “Okay, here goes. It’s about…jerking off.” I just know my face turned red. I could feel it growing hot. “Is it…like…okay to do it?” “I think all guys do it, Kurt, especially boys your age. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.” I let out a long breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding in. “That’s good. I used to think I was nasty for doing it.” “Hey, there’s nothing nasty about it. It’s just nature.” “I heard it could make you go blind or grow hair on your palms.” “That’s just stuff some adults say to scare kids. It’s not true.” “Good. And…when you’ve been doing it a while and you…um…when it feels real good, you know?” “You mean when you cum?” “Yeah. When you do that…is there supposed to be white stuff that comes out?” “Yeah,” Ryan said. I could tell he was trying not to laugh. I felt like such a little kid, but I had to know. “That’s a relief. I kind of thought it was supposed to, because it kept happening, but I wasn’t sure.” “You’re okay, Kurt, that’s supposed to happen. That’s where babies come from.” “Babies?” “Yeah, the man’s sperm fertilizes the woman’s egg.” “Oh, okay.” My reading about the birds and the bees made a bit more sense. There was another long pause. “I’m glad you aren’t laughing at me,” I said. “I’d never do that. Don’t be embarrassed, Kurt. You can trust me.” Ryan put his hand on my shoulder. “The next part is harder,” I said.


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“Take your time, but don’t be worried. I won’t judge you.” I nodded. “I have these…feelings for other boys. More like desires really. When I look at them, especially when they don’t have clothes on…I want to…well, I don’t know what I want to do, but I want to do something. And it makes me…stiff and…. Is that perverted or something?” I swallowed hard. I halfway feared Ryan would grow angry with me and order me out of his garden. I was trembling. “Take it easy, Kurt,” said Ryan. I couldn’t help myself. I started crying. I buried my head in my hands and bawled. “I’m…a…pervert,” I said between the sobs. Ryan left his marigolds. He stood, took me in his arms, and held me. My whole body was racked with sobs. I clung to Ryan tightly. “It’s okay, Kurt. It’s okay. You’re not a pervert. It’s okay, really.” I kept crying, but calmed down. I’d been so worried for so long. I had all this pain and fear inside me, and it was coming out in tears. “Listen, Kurt,” said Ryan as he held me. “You’re a very smart boy, and I’m sure you’ve noticed a few things—like how I’m not married and how I sometimes look at you.” My tears stopped. I pulled away and looked at Ryan. “Don’t be afraid of me, Kurt. I’d never hurt you. I think you know that by now. I want to help you. I know what you’re going through. I’d had doubts myself when I was your age, when I first realized what I was, but then they disappeared. I figured if I was feeling such desires, then they had to be natural. How could anyone feel something that wasn’t? Over the years I’ve grown more certain that I’m exactly as I’m supposed to be.” “So, there isn’t something wrong with me? I’m not some kind of monster?” “You’re fine, Kurt, just fine. More than fine,” said Ryan, smoothing back my hair. “I’m embarrassed.” “Don’t be. You’re not alone, Kurt. There are people out there who will tell you you’re a monster, but you’re not. You are as God intended you to be.” “But why does he intend me to be this way?” “I don’t know, Kurt. I don’t have the answer to that, but God created both of us, and He doesn’t make mistakes.” I smiled. “So you’re…you’re like me.” “Yes, Kurt, I’m a homosexual.” “Do you have a boyfriend?”


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“No.” “Have you ever?” “Yes.” “What happened to him?” “It’s a long story, Kurt, and the light is failing, but I’ll tell you someday if you want.” I let out a long breath. “This is a relief,” I said. “I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought I was evil.” “You could never be evil, Kurt. You’re good and kind and loving.” “Thanks, Ryan.” I suddenly yearned to kiss him, and I think I might have tried if it wasn’t for Angel. I loved Angel, and it just didn’t seem right to kiss anyone else. “You’re very good looking,” I said, instead of kissing him. “Thank you, and so are you.” “Is that why you hired me?” “Honestly? Yes, partly, but I saw you also were a good worker. I love to be surrounded by beautiful things—flowers, plants, art, boys. And you are beautiful, Kurt, but don’t be afraid of me. I’d never hurt you.” “I’m not afraid. Are you…attracted to me, Ryan?” “You ask the difficult questions, don’t you, Kurt? You’ve been very brave, and so I will be as well. Yes, I am attracted to you, but you’re fifteen. You’re just discovering who you are. I’m not going to take advantage of that or of you. I think of you as a friend, Kurt, and a little as the son I never had. I’m attracted to you. How could I not be? But there are certain things that cannot happen between us.” “Like sex?” “Yes, sex. I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t enjoy that or if I said I didn’t want it, but I care too much about you to take advantage of you.” “Are you sure you would be taking advantage of me?” “No, but sexual attraction is a funny thing. It makes people do crazy things. It makes them make mistakes, and I don’t want to make any mistakes with you. I don’t want to risk hurting you.” I hugged Ryan and he hugged me back. “Remember the boy who was after me? Angel?” “Oh yes, I could hardly forget a boy like him.” “Well, it’s a long story, but…he’s like us too and…. I love him. He loves me. We’ve kissed.” Ryan looked shocked.


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“This is a story I must hear; I have to admit I’m bewildered.” “No more than I was,” I said. I quickly told him the tale, and he nodded as I did so. I guess it did all make sense. “I’m happy for you, Kurt,” said Ryan wistfully. He wasn’t saying it, but I could tell there was a little part of him that wanted me for himself. I was beyond flattered, and if it hadn’t been for Angel…. I smiled shyly. “I wish you could meet him sometime, the real Angel. I’d like you to know him, and you’re the only friend I can tell about…us.” “Feel free to bring him by anytime. Any boyfriend of yours is a friend of mine, and I always enjoy looking at cute boys.” “Hand off! He’s mine!” I said, grinning. “Don’t worry. I won’t touch, only admire.” Ryan smiled. He might be an adult, but there was still a lot of kid in him. “Now, I’d better drive you home, it’s getting dark, and your parents will be worried.” “I can walk, or run, there’s no danger anymore.” “Just the same I’ll take you, if you don’t mind.” “Sure. Thanks!” We climbed in Ryan’s truck, and he backed out of the garage and onto the street. “Kurt, if you ever have questions, or problems, you can come to me. I know you can’t talk to your parents about some things, but I’ll always be here for you. Okay?” “Thanks, Ryan. I wish I’d met you sooner. Things would have been a lot easier. Did you have someone to answer your questions when you were young?” “Yes, but he wasn’t as nice as I am,” said Ryan. “Was he…mean to you?” “Not exactly mean. He just…took advantage.” I peered at him the growing darkness, trying to make out his expression, but I couldn’t. “Is that why you’re so careful with me?” I asked. “That’s the main reason, yes, and also I just don’t want to hurt you. Sometimes it’s possible to hurt someone without trying, without meaning to.” I thought I understood what he was getting at, but I wasn’t entirely sure. Ryan pulled into my drive, his headlights flashing momentarily across a boy with long blond hair standing by the fence. “It looks like someone is waiting for you,” said Ryan. I could hear the smile in his voice. “You want to meet him?”


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“Perhaps now isn’t the best time. Tell him about me and then see if he wants to meet me. If he does, you can bring him by anytime.” “Thanks for everything, Ryan.” “Don’t mention it. Goodnight.” “Goodnight.” Ryan drove away, and I turned my attention to Angel, hugging him close. “Have you been waiting long?” I asked. “I didn’t know you’d be here.” “Not long, but you’d be worth the wait even if I’d been here for hours.” “Awww. Hey, um…I’d like to talk,” I said. “Sounds good.” “My brother’s home,” I said, glancing at his car sitting in the driveway. “Is that bad?” “It means we can’t talk in my room.” “Oh.” “The tree house. We could talk in the tree house.” “Lead the way.” We actually went inside first so Mom would know I’d returned and wouldn’t send out a search party. Soon we were headed for the tree house with a couple of glasses of milk and a plate full of cookies. I carried up the cookies, and Angel made two trips to bring up the milk. It wasn’t easy, but Angel seemed able to climb as well with one arm as I could with two. I wished I was that strong. I shut and locked the trap door and then lit an oil lamp. It was extra dark in the tree house, shaded as it was by the thick canopy of leaves above. We sat on the mattress and ate our milk and cookies by the golden glow of lamplight, not speaking, but enjoying each other’s company in silence. It was romantic. When the cookies were gone and our glasses drained, Angel scooted around beside me, put his arm around me, and held me close. “I like this,” I said. “I like it when you hold me.” “I like holding you and being held. Now, what was it you wanted to talk about, Kurt?” I’d been thinking about something a lot, ever since Ryan had said the word out loud in his garden. “Are we…boyfriends?” I asked, hesitantly. “Would you like that?” “I’d love that!” “Then we’re boyfriends. We’re for each other and no one else.” I was a thousand times happier upon hearing those words than I ever had been before.


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“I like the sound of that.” “Me, too,” said Angel. “It’s what I’ve always wanted.” I guess Ryan had been right when he referred to Angel and me as boyfriends. I turned to Angel and gazed into his eyes. I leaned in just a little, completely uncertain as to how to proceed. Angel closed the distance between us, kissed me softly and then pulled back. “I like that, too,” I whispered. “Me, too.” Angel leaned in and I met his lips with my own. He drew me to him and kissed me more deeply. He parted his lips and I followed his lead. He slipped his tongue into my mouth and ran it along my own. Our tongues danced around each other as our lips explored. We kissed deeply, but slowly, savoring every single moment. I’d never kissed with my tongue before, I’d never been kissed by anyone before Angel, and it was sexy beyond belief. If this was all there was to sex, it would be enough, but I knew there was much, much more. I felt so lost and naïve, but with Angel I felt safe. He’d teach me what I needed to know, and he’d be kind and patient and not laugh at me if I did something all wrong. Making out with Angel fueled the fires within me. I don’t think I’d ever been so sexually excited before, and yet we went no further than kissing. Kissing Angel surpassed my wildest expectations. Angel pulled me down onto the foam rubber mattress. He lay full length on top of me, his firm body pressing down against mine. I couldn’t help but press against him as our tongues entwined. It was instinct. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tight, my lips never parting from his. We rubbed against each other. Suddenly, I shuddered and moaned. There’d been no warning. I knew what was happening, but I couldn’t stop it. Maybe I wouldn’t have even if I could. Angel pulled his lips from mine, and I covered my face with my hands. “What’s wrong, Babe?” he asked. “I just…I just…” “Shhhhh,” said Angel, placing a finger on my lips. “I know what happened. It’s okay. It’s more than okay. I’m pleased being with me made it happen. Now kiss me some more, Kurt.” He lowered his lips to mine and made me his. I was right about Angel. He’d never laugh at me. He’d never make me feel foolish. I could be myself with him and when something happened like…like what had just happened, it would be okay. I wrapped my arms around Angel once more, and we rolled over as we


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kissed until I was on top of him. He was my boyfriend, and I loved him with all my heart. We came up for air and smiled at each other. I had no idea how much time had passed and I didn’t care. Time had no meaning when I was with my Angel. “That’s just…incredible,” I said. “You really know how to kiss,” said Angel. “It’s not from experience,” I said, giggling. Angel made me feel so good about myself. “Well, I’ll make sure you get lots of practice from now on.” “You’d better.” We rolled onto our backs, and I rested my head on Angel’s chest. He twirled his fingers around my hair as I listened to the gentle rhythm of his heart. “I was thinking, Kurt. Let’s take things slow, okay? Part of me just wants to dive in and do everything, but I think it will be more special if we wait. I’m not talking about a long time, but I think we should move from one thing to the next slowly. Like next time, maybe we can take off our shirts while we’re kissing, and then…well, you see what I mean.” “Yeah, that’s a good idea. Angel?” “Yeah?” “I don’t…I don’t really know how to…be with a guy. I don’t know what two guys do with each other. Well, I know a little, but not how it’s done.” “It’s okay, Babe, don’t worry. When the time comes I’ll show you. We’ll take things nice and slow. There’s no rush, making love is too special to just rush into. We’ll have time enough for everything, and when we get to it, it’ll be all the more special because we waited.” I grinned, and then laughed. “Waiting is a good idea and yet I can’t stand to wait. I feel like I’m going to explode.” “I think you did that already,” said Angel, teasing. “You made me. You’re too sexy.” “You’re the sexy one,” said Angel. “Me? No way!” “Don’t sell yourself short, Kurt. I know sexy when I see it, and I see it when I look at you.” “Well, I see it when I look at you.” “So I guess we’re both sexy, then.” “I can live with that.” Angel ran his hand along my chest, and it made me shiver with excitement.


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“I can’t stand waiting, either,” said Angel, “but I will. I want what we have to be special, and it will be. I promise you that. I love you, Kurt.” “I love you, too, Angel.” I not only said the words, I meant them. I scooted up Angel’s body and pressed my lips to his once again. We kissed for the longest time, yet it seemed no time at all. It was the most wonderful night of my life.

C H A P T E R ▼

10

Brewing Trouble

I walked back from my morning shower, a towel wrapped around my waist, to find Sam sitting on the edge of his bed in his boxers. He looked more than usually awake for 7:20 a.m. “What’s up with you and Angel?” he asked. I froze in place for a moment before turning to dig through my underwear drawer. “What do you mean?” “I saw you with him.” I faced away from Sam as I pulled off my towel and pulled on a pair of boxers, not out of modesty because he’d seen me naked any number of times, but out of fear. I didn’t want him to see my face. What did he know? Calm down, Kurt, there’s no way he could’ve seen what you were doing with Angel last night. “Where?” “Going up into the tree house. You guys stayed in there for a long time.” “Don’t you have better things to do than spy on me?” “Don’t flatter yourself. I just noticed, that’s all. Now what’s up?” “We just…hang out sometimes. He’s cool.” “He beat you up and now he’s cool?” “That was weeks ago. We’ve become friends since then, only you can’t tell anyone.” “Why not?” - 113 -

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“His friends wouldn’t approve.” “Oh, you mean his gang?” “It’s not his gang, it’s Adam’s. And besides, it’s not a real gang anyway. They don’t have matching jackets or anything like that.” “Yeah, but they have matching attitudes, bad attitudes. Do Mom and Dad know about Angel?” “Yeah, Mom likes him, so does Dad. He ate supper with all of us when you were working.” “I bet Mom doesn’t know about his reputation.” “Sam, please, don’t ruin this for me. Angel is different when he’s away from school. You’ll see.” “Something funny is going on here. What’s Angel getting out of your friendship? You giving him money so he can buy beer or something?” “Oh, thanks a lot! So no one would want to be my friend unless I paid them?” “No, don’t be a dumb ass. I just think you’re naïve. That boy has a reputation, and I don’t think he’d be hanging around someone like you if there wasn’t something in it for him. Maybe he’s casing the house so his gang can rob us some night.” “You don’t know what you’re talking about, as usual. And where did you learn the word naïve? That’s a pretty big word for you.” “Shut up!” “Stop interfering in my life!” “I’m keeping my eye on you, little brother, and on Angel. You may not believe this, but it’s for your own good. And I don’t want you getting friendly with Adam’s group of jerks.” “If you want to help me, keep your nose out of it. Now, I’m going down to breakfast. You’d better get your behind in gear if you want any.” I exited quickly. I had the feeling that Sam really was looking out for me, but he was also being a nosy busybody. I hated it when he played the older, wiser brother. He was older, but no way was he wiser. If he was so smart, he’d find a way to keep himself from getting grounded on a nearly weekly basis. Mom had my usual breakfast waiting on me: two eggs sunny side up, two pancakes swimming in butter and syrup, and four strips of bacon. Mom knew how to fry the bacon just right so that it was chewy and not all crispy. “Slow down, Kurt.” I had a habit of eating quickly, and the conversation I had with Sam had upset me. What if he’d seen Angel and me kissing? What would’ve happened then? A

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chill went up my spine. That would’ve been the end. If one person so much as saw us hold hands, we’d be finished. “This is so tragic,” said Mom, looking at Dad’s paper. Dad left early for work, so I never saw him in the mornings. The only sign of his existence was his empty plate and coffee cup and once a week, his paper. Our little town didn’t have enough news for a daily. “What?” “Matt Taber. They found his body. I can’t believe something like this happened here.” Mom looked at me, her eyes fearful. “Maybe I should take you and Sam to school.” “Mom, we’ll be fine. We walk every day. Well, I walk, he drives.” “Then he should drive you this morning.” “I’ll be late. He hadn’t even showered when I came down.” “Then you’ll be late this morning, mister. Your brother is driving you.” I didn’t argue. Mom had a determined look in her eye. I hoped her fit of over-protectiveness didn’t last long. I picked up the paper as soon as Mom put it down. The Blackford Dispatch—Wednesday, April 30, 1952 TEEN’S BODY FOUND, COMMUNITY DEVASTATED The Taber family’s worst fears were realized when the body of 15-year-old Matt Taber was discovered buried in the woods only a few hundred yards from Blackford High School. The body was discovered by 17-year-old Doug Finney and 18-year-old John Hearst while rabbit hunting. “The dogs started digging,” said Finney. “We didn’t know why they were, but we pulled them back as soon as we saw the foot.” The young men immediately ran to the nearest phone and called police. Bill Sheridan, the town marshal, was on the scene in minutes and was soon joined by the sheriff and state police. The coroner was called in and the body exhumed within the hour. “There is no doubt that the body is that of Matt Taber,” stated Sheridan. “I’ve lived less than a block from the Tabers all my life and watched Matt grow up. It was him.” Positive identification by the town marshal saved the Taber family from having to identify the body. “There’s no reason they should have to see their son like that,” said Sheridan. “They should be able to remember him as he was alive, not like this.”

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Taber had been missing for seven weeks, and decomposition was becoming advanced. In a few more weeks the body would have been identifiable only through dental records. “I’ve never seen nothing like that before, and I don’t want to again,” said Finney. “I’ll be having nightmares about this for the rest of my life,” added Hearst. What made the situation worse is that many of those present had known Taber personally, as did Sheridan. “This kind of thing is such a tragedy,” said Sheridan, “but this time it strikes too close to home. We had such hopes for finding Matt alive, and now those hopes are gone.” Authorities are trying to piece together the situation now that the missing-person case has turned into a murder investigation. Taber was last seen alive by members of his baseball team as they walked home together, but what happened between the time Taber left his friends and was buried in the woods remains a mystery. “We’ll do everything we can to get to the bottom of this,” stated Sheridan. “Local, county, and state authorities will be working together on this investigation. Whoever did this isn’t going to get away with it. People felt safe in our community before this happened, and we want things to be like that again. We owe it to Matt Taber as well. No one should have his life taken away from him, especially someone that young.” A memorial service will be held sometime next week. The Dispatch will cover the investigation as more details become available.

Sam had come down for breakfast by the time I finished reading the short front-page article. He wolfed down his bacon and eggs. “You’re driving your brother to school this morning,” said Mom. “What?” “I don’t want him walking.” “Then he can run.” “Don’t talk back to me, Sam!” “Okay. Okay,” said Sam. Mom was on the warpath, and Sam knew better than to mess with her. He shoved the last of his bacon into his mouth. “Come on, Squirt.” I followed Sam out of the kitchen and out the front door. “This wasn’t my idea,” I said as I slammed the car door shut. “Mom’s all freaked out because they found Matt Taber dead—murdered.” “Shit.” “Yeah, well, maybe she’ll forget about you driving me to school soon. I’m not happy about it, either.” “You’re not half as unhappy as I am. Having a little nerd like you in my car will ruin my reputation.”

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“I’m not a nerd, and so what if your reputation as a loser is ruined?” Sam punched me in the shoulder. “Oww!” “Wimp!” We arrived only a few minutes later. Sam spotted the Nudo twins walking across the parking lot. “Look, there’s the homo twins.” “That’s just a rumor.” “Well, I wouldn’t be bending over in the shower with them around if I was you,” Sam paused, “unless you like that sort of thing.” “Shut up!” “You know, if I ever found out you were queer, I’d have to kill you,” said Sam. I swallowed hard. Was he serious? I looked quickly at Sam, but he was already climbing out of the car. I crawled out the passenger side and ran toward Tommy’s house. I hadn’t thought to call and tell him I wouldn’t be meeting him this morning. Matt Taber was all Tommy could talk about. He was all anyone could talk about. Getting murdered made him famous. Like most everyone, I figured he ran away, but obviously he hadn’t. It was scary to think that he’d been killed so close by. Of course, he could’ve been killed somewhere else and then buried in the woods, but he’d still been murdered. It was the kind of thing people thought didn’t happen in our little town. As far as I knew, no one had ever been killed in Blackford before. I was glad I had my own thoughts to think. I didn’t like that Sam was suspicious of Angel and me, but he wasn’t smart enough to figure anything out. The idea that we were an item would never occur to him. Like murder, it’s just something that no one thought could happen in Blackford. Then again, Sam thought the Nudo twins were queer. I bet he didn’t really believe it, though. I’d been naïve enough to think I was the only boy in the world who liked other boys, even though I’d heard whispered rumors about guys who were like that. I didn’t really believe they were true. I knew better now, but I think most people in Blackford were just as naïve and sheltered as I was. Their ignorance would protect Angel and me. Mostly, I was thinking about Angel. A grin broke out on my face as I thought of him. I smiled when I thought of Ryan, too. Our conversation of the evening before had set me at ease. I doubt he’d ever know what a relief it was to find out that I wasn’t some kind of deviant after all. I knew a lot of people, most in fact, would think I was a pervert if they found out I liked boys, but I also knew they

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were wrong. Of course, I was taking Ryan’s word that my desires and feelings were normal, but all he’d said made sense. Angel obviously had the same feelings as I did, too. I think what really put me at ease were the feelings of love. Angel loved me. I loved him. Love couldn’t be wrong. That’s what had started me wondering if I’d been mistaken in the first place. All the things I thought were perverted about me were connected to love. If there was no love between Angel and me, then our desires could’ve been perverted. But there was love, so that wasn’t a possibility. The love between Angel and me allowed me to believe Ryan’s words. I passed Angel in the halls more than once during the day, but he didn’t scowl at me, even though some of the varsity guys were near. He didn’t smile, but he shot me no dirty looks. He just nodded. I wondered what was up. ✶

✶

✶

✶

Angel belted the ball and ran. He hit first base and kept on going. Coach Douglas was yelling at him to run, but Angel hardly needed his guidance. He’d hit the ball so far over the center fielder’s head that I knew he could easily make home before the guy could get the ball back into the infield. It was perfect timing, too—the bases were loaded. When Angel jumped on home plate and was mobbed by his teammates, the score became 14-8. The varsity team was trouncing the Petersburg Aces, who weren’t liking it. Adam had already gotten into it with their pitcher, and it had nearly turned into a fistfight, but that was Adam. Travis Cremeens was up next, and he stuck out, sending our team back to the field. Coach Douglas wasn’t happy, but it was now the top of the ninth, and we were far enough ahead it probably didn’t matter. Angel had to be pleased with himself. He’d be walking away with a grand slam. Angel took his place on first and watched Adam as he warmed up with the catcher. I watched Adam as well. He seemed unusually tense, which made very little sense, because there was almost no way to lose the game at this point. Adam kept himself focused on the game. Adam could stay focused if a tornado was approaching the field. He took his baseball seriously. The whole varsity team took the game seriously: too seriously, if you ask me. The first batter for the Aces was a tall, muscled jock with short black hair. He’d shown attitude all during the game, and I’d heard him calling Angel Blondie. I bet Angel felt a sense of satisfaction as the ball slapped into his glove

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before attitude boy could reach first base. Angel flashed him a smile. The kid snarled at him, but didn’t approach. I laughed from my seat in the stands. The next batter doubled to left, but the third hitter popped the ball up toward first. Angel covered the few feet that separated him from the ball and caught it effortlessly. That made two outs. The game would soon be over. “Keep your head in the game, Joshua,” shouted Adam before the next pitch. Joshua Fehribach’s head was definitely not in the game. He kept looking out towards the woods, as if he thought some wild beast was going to emerge and attack him. He was acting downright weird. I had no idea why. The next batter did pop the ball up right to Joshua, but he dropped the ball for an error. I thought Adam was going to march over and punch him in the face. He’d slugged guys on his team before for not performing up to his standards, but that was always taken care of in the locker room or outside the gym. Maybe Joshua would get his later. The game ended when the next Ace struck out. Angel looked up into the stands, and I smiled at him. I also flashed him our secret signal that I’d meet him on the way home. I walked Tommy home after the game. I knew I had time. Angel had to shower and change, after all. I’d wait for him at what had become our usual spot—beside a large oak just past the A&W, but quite out of sight. “Hey, you want to come in for a while?” asked Tommy when we reached his home. “I can’t.” “You’ve been awfully busy here lately. What have you been up to?” “You know, mowing lawns, homework, running.” “Well, it would be nice to see you sometime.” “You see me at school and at practice, and we just went to the game together, didn’t we?” “Yeah, but, we used to hang out more often.” “Yeah, I know. We’ll do something together real soon, okay?” “Okay, sure,” said Tommy. He didn’t seem completely convinced. I knew I’d have to make good on my promise soon. I didn’t want to lose Tommy as my best friend. He’d been there for me all my life. “I’m sorry if I’ve been neglecting you, but I really have been busy,” I said. “I promise. I’ll make some time for you. You’re my best friend after all.” Tommy smiled. “Okay, see ya later, Kurt.” “See ya.”

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I walked slowly toward the rendezvous, admiring the flowers people grew in their yards and along their picket fences. Mrs. Whitney, the owner of Whitney’s Antiques, lived in an old two-story brick home just a few doors down from Tommy. Her fence was an old iron one instead of wooden, and it was completely covered with roses—red to the left of the gate and yellow to the right. My feet soon took me beyond the town limits and then on to the A&W, which was a popular place for all the kids in town and many of their parents. It had the best root-beer floats in Blackford and good burgers and ice cream. It was shaped like a big T. The cooking area and two small overhangs made up the top of the T, and a long covered pavilion made up the rest. There were angled parking spots for cars all along both sides of the bottom of the T, with picnic tables in the center. There were windows on three sides of the cooking area for placing orders, although most people ordered from their cars, reading from the large menus that hung at intervals on the eaves. There were more picnic tables off to the sides of the parking lot. The A&W probably had the largest seating capacity of any restaurant in Blackford. It was closed only during the coldest winter months. Not far beyond the drive-in, but out of sight of it, was the giant oak that had become a meeting place for Angel and me. The A&W marked the extreme southern edge of Blackford. It was outside of town really, and no one ventured farther south unless, like me, they lived there. I sat down on the thick green grass and leaned against the old oak, gazing at the daisies that grew in abundance nearby. Later, there would be Black-Eyed Susans, but they didn’t flower until July. I could recognize their leaves, however, and there were just as many of them coming along as there were daisies. It was so quiet and peaceful that I nearly fell asleep. I think I might have been drifting off when I heard footsteps coming toward me. I looked up and saw Angel walking down the road. I jumped up and fell into step at his side. “That was an incredible home run,” I said. Angel smiled. “Thanks.” “What was up with Josh?” Angel looked uncomfortable. “I don’t know. He was just being Josh, I guess.” His answer didn’t explain much, but I guess Angel couldn’t read Josh’s mind any more than I could. It was a beautiful spring day. The sun was shining, the flowers blooming, and the birds singing. I was with Angel, which could have made the gloomiest day seem bright. I didn’t want to ruin the mood, but I had to get something off my chest.

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“My brother saw us together,” I said. Angel froze, his face a mask of sheer terror. “Don’t worry,” I said quickly. “He only saw us climbing up to the tree house.” “Whew. For a moment there I thought he’d seen me kiss you or something,” said Angel. “Nah, nothing so dire, but he suspects something is up. He doesn’t trust you.” “I guess he believes the rumors.” “Yeah. Like the one about you getting Rebecca Foerster pregnant.” I looked at Angel expectantly, trying to hide my interest, but I was dying of curiosity. I didn’t’ think Angel would do anything like that, especially since he liked boys, but still… “That’s just a rumor, Kurt, I never so much as kissed Rebecca Foerster. It’s kind of my fault, though. The guys were going on about why she just up and disappeared, and someone said she probably got knocked up. Adam said something like, “I heard Angel nailed her,” and I gave them the impression I did. I thought it might help to hide the truth, you know, a little camouflage to keep any of the guys from guessing about me.” “I’m glad it’s not true. I didn’t really believe it, but it kind of made me jealous.” “Jealous?” “Yeah.” I turned a little red. “You’re so cute when you’re embarrassed, but then you’re cute all the time.” “Stop it,” I said, feeling my face grow even hotter. “I promise, Kurt. I’ve never done anything with a girl.” “My sister is dying for you to ask her out.” “Uh oh.” “Yeah, she asks about you now and then.” “I’ve noticed her looking at me a lot in school. She seems like a nice girl, but it’s her brother I want.” “You want Sam?” I asked in pretend ignorance. “What horrible taste!” “No, silly!” We both laughed. We stopped briefly at my house. Both Sam and Ida were there. Sam shot Angel a dirty look, and Ida made eyes at him. I realized Sam was just being protective, but I didn’t like that he was suspicious of Angel. I loved Angel and I wanted my whole family to love him, too. I guess that was too much to ask. I couldn’t even let them know I loved him. Angel was kind to Ida, but didn’t encourage her. I respected him for that. It would have been easier for him just to be rude to her to get rid of her, but Angel

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was more thoughtful. The Angel I knew from school would’ve cut her down without a thought for her feelings, but the real Angel wasn’t like that at all. We didn’t stay long, but instead headed for Angel’s farm. With Sam home there wasn’t much of a place we could be alone, except for the tree house. There was nothing stopping Sam from climbing the ladder and listening in. He wouldn’t be able to see anything, but he could surely hear. It wasn’t worth the risk. We walked instead of ran this time. It was easier to talk that way. Most of our conversation was about nothing in particular, but I loved talking with Angel, no matter what we were saying. I even enjoyed just walking by his side in silence. We entered the yard, walked past the barn, and joined hands. The farm was the one place we could be reasonably certain we were free from prying eyes. Once we were beyond the barn, it was easy enough to keep an eye out for Angel’s parents and the field hands, Andy and Bob. “Angel, I want to thank you for helping me. You’ve made me feel so much better about myself. After it dawned on me that I liked boys, I thought I was some kind of horrible monster, but I know better now and it’s thanks to you— well, you and Ryan.” “Ryan?” “Yeah. Remember the guy I left with after my game, back when I thought you were going to beat me up?” “Yeah, I kind of remember him.” “Well, that’s him. I mow his lawn and take care of his garden. We talk a lot, too. He’s really cool and get this: He’s one of us.” “One of us?” “He likes guys, too.” “Oh!” Angel smacked his head, as if he should’ve caught on faster. Suddenly his face darkened a little. “How did you find out?” Was it my imagination or was Angel jealous? “Well, I kind of picked up on it. He’s not married, and I’d never seen any evidence of a girlfriend. I was only there to do yard and garden work, but still…and then there was the way he looked at me sometimes, especially when I wasn’t wearing a shirt.” I giggled, but Angel wasn’t amused. “He didn’t…touch you, did he, or…” “No! Nothing like that. He told me I was a good-looking boy, and he said you were, too, that day I ran to him for protection. I think he’s interested in me, but

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he’s too…um…honorable to do anything about it. I know he’d never hurt me. I can just tell. He’s been nothing but kind to me, and he pays me really well.” “I don’t know, Kurt. He’s your dad’s age, isn’t he? He likes you to work without a shirt on, and he pays you well. It just seems like, well, like he might be after more than just getting his lawn mowed.” “No! I’m telling you, he’s nothing like that. We’re friends. He’s kind of like a second dad to me in a way now. When I thought you were going to hunt me down and hurt me, he drove me home after I was finished working for him. I’ve talked to him about things, and it’s really helped me feel better about myself. I told him about you, too, and he’s happy that I have someone to love.” “You told him about me? Kurt!” “It’s okay. He’s not going to tell anyone. I wouldn’t have told him if I didn’t know it was safe, and he’s got to be careful, too. If people found out about him, they wouldn’t be kind.” “Just the same, please don’t EVER tell anyone about me, no matter how much you trust them!” Angel’s eyes flashed with anger. It didn’t frighten me, but it hurt me. I didn’t like him being angry with me. “I’m sorry.” “It’s okay, Babe, it’s just that, well, you know what people are like. If anyone found out about us or even just that one of us liked guys, well, that would be it. You know? We can’t take risks, and you can’t be going around telling people about us, no matter how much you trust them. What if you were wrong?” “I’m sorry. I guess I just didn’t think it through. Angel, you mean the world to me. I love you so much it hurts, and I just want to shout it to the world. I can’t do that; but Ryan, well, I guess I shouldn’t have told him, but I wanted to tell someone so bad!” Angel smiled. “I know what you mean. I want to tell the whole world I love you, too. I want to just shout out that I love you and that you’re mine, but I can’t. It would destroy us both, and I don’t ever want to do anything to hurt you.” “I’m really sorry,” I said. “I never meant to put you at risk.” “It’s okay, Kurt. What’s done is done, and, if you’re right about Ryan, we’re safe. I’m just not sure about him, though.” “I’ll take you to meet him sometime. When you meet him, you’ll understand.”

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“I don’t think that’s a good idea. We can’t be seen together, remember? It’s one thing walking from our meeting place to your house or mine, but going through town together just won’t do.” “Yeah, I guess you’re right. I wish you could meet him, though. He’s a good friend. He’s really helped me. I don’t feel like a monster anymore.” “You should never think of yourself like that, Kurt. There’s nothing wrong with you, nothing at all.” “I know that. Well, I’m learning that. It’s still kind of hard, you know?” “Yeah.” “When you told me you loved me…well, that changed a lot of things.” “I meant it, and I do. I love you, Kurt.” “I know you mean it, and that’s what makes me feel like I’m okay.” I stopped, turned to Angel, and looked him in the eyes. “I love you so much, Angel.” I hugged Angel close. We both leaned back and then kissed, allowing our tongues to entwine. Without speaking another word, Angel took me by the hand and pulled me along until we reached the line of trees at the edge of the fields. He took me a short distance into the woods where a patch of moss grew under a spreading oak. There, he took me in his arms and kissed me again. Angel moved slowly, as if approaching a wild deer, but he reached out and pulled my shirt over my head. I let him. He tossed it onto the moss, and I hesitantly reached for his shirt. My hands trembled as I pulled it from his torso and over his face. Soon Angel’s shirt was lying on top of mine. We stood there shirtless, gazing at each other. It was the first time I really got a good look at Angel. I’d seen him any number of times in the locker room and showers, but I’d never dared to just stand and stare. I did so now. Angel’s shoulders were broad and muscled, his biceps firm and bulging. Even his forearms looked strong. My eyes were drawn to his chest. It was smooth and had bulges in all the right places. It tapered down into a slim, but muscular abdomen. I could have reached out and traced each abdominal muscle with my fingertip. I could do that with my own, but Angel’s abdomen was far more developed than mine, the bulges bigger—and sexier. His torso was a sensual landscape of smooth skin, bulges, and curves that surged with strength. I felt as if I might melt just looking at him. Angel looked at me with rapt interest, his eyes roving over my bare chest. I knew it couldn’t be half as appealing as his, but Angel’s eyes were filled with hunger, and it made me feel sexy and attractive. Angel looked almost like a predator

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gazing with lust upon his prey, but I felt safe in his gaze. I knew he’d never hurt me. After several moments in which we both just gazed at each other in hungry silence, Angel pressed his bare chest against mine and began kissing me again. His lips were so soft and yet firm, his tongue so silky and sexy. I could feel the muscles of his torso pressing against me. It excited me as I’d never been excited before. If Angel had taken things further, I would’ve followed in an instant, but he was content to make out shirtless under the trees, and so was I. I could have stood there making out with him forever. After a time, we lay down on the soft carpet of moss, kissing and pressing against one another, bare chest on bare chest. Sometimes Angel was on top, sometimes it was me. It didn’t matter, so long as I could be with him. Feeling him against me was so sexy. I don’t know how long we made out. Time had no meaning when I was with Angel. Nothing else mattered, and I forgot all my troubles. It might have been fifteen minutes later when our lips reluctantly parted, or it could have been an hour or more. I didn’t know and I didn’t care. All that mattered was being with Angel. Angel took my hand, and we sat on the carpet of soft, green moss, legs crossed, gazing at each other. “When did you first know girls didn’t do it for you?” asked Angel. “When I saw you, at the dance. That was it. I looked at you and thought you were beautiful. Some part of my mind opened up then, some secret part I’d sealed shut without knowing and suddenly I knew.” “I can’t remember when I first realized it,” said Angel. “It didn’t happen all at once for me. I think it was just a lot of little things building up—admiring shirtless guys in the locker room, sightseeing in the showers, feeling a sort of hero-worship for really athletic guys. I feel like it was always there, and it just slowly dawned on me I liked boys instead of girls. By the time I realized I knew it, I’d known it for a long time.” Angel took my hand and pulled me to my feet. Night had come. We walked from under the darkness of the trees, our shirts hanging from our belts. Angel put his arm around my waist, and we looked up at the stars. “I feel really small when I look at the sky,” said Angel. “All those stars are so huge, and there’re so many of them. It all just goes on and on. It makes me feel that I can’t screw up things too badly if all that’s out there.” I giggled and Angel kissed me some more.

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“This taking things slow is kind of hard,” I said, marveling that I could be so bold. “Yeah, it is, isn’t it?” “I think next time the pants should come off.” “And the boxers?” asked Angel. “Yes.” “Mmmm,” said Angel. “You’re right. I think it’s about time.” I giggled nervously again. “I love you so much, Angel.” “I love you, too.” “You know, when I thought you were going to hunt me down and kick my butt, I would never have thought in a million years I’d feel this way about you. I’m not just talking about being attracted to you, although your body drives me insane with need and want. I’m talking about what I feel for you, in here.” I put my hand over my heart, feeling it beat under my own smooth skin. “I’ve known I could feel this way about you for months,” Angel admitted. “I just didn’t know how to get close and didn’t have the courage. This is a risky business, Kurt.” “I know, but it’s worth it.” “It certainly is.” We kissed yet again and walked back toward the barn. ✶

✶

✶

✶

I knew the rumor about Angel and Rebecca Foerster couldn’t be true. Before I knew him, I thought it entirely likely he’d got her pregnant and just walked away, but now I knew Angel wasn’t that kind of person. He wouldn’t get someone into a fix like that and just dump her. Of course, Angel liked boys, so Rebecca would have been of no interest to him, but still he wouldn’t have done something like that. In the beginning, when Angel first came to the house, a little part of me suspected that his cheerful kindness was an act. He was so different from the Angel I’d seen at school it almost seemed impossible that he was for real. In my heart, however, I knew I was seeing the real Angel for the first time. He wasn’t putting on an act for me; it was at school that he played a role: the tough, bad boy no one dare mess with. I was glad I’d seen the real Angel. I could never have been anything but frightened of bad-boy Angel. Every time I looked at him at school surrounded by his

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friends, it seemed impossible that he loved me. I knew he did, though; there was no question about it, just as there was no question that I loved him right back. It took me a little while to speak the words, “I love you.” I think that’s because I had to love myself first, and that wasn’t easy. Angel made it possible. He showed me how wrong I’d been about myself. Ryan had explained it to me with words, but Angel had shown me with his actions and his love. I’d thought I was a monster when really I was just a boy who wanted love, like so many other boys—perhaps like them all. Angel showed me it didn’t matter that my love was for another boy instead of a girl. Why did that have to matter at all? Maybe it mattered because the world was so screwed up. Look at how Negroes were treated. There’d been a big uproar about Negroes for decades, all over the country. Most people didn’t want to go to school with them, or ride on the same part of the bus, or drink out of the same water fountain, or use the same rest room—all because their skin was a different color. There were places where “whites only” signs were posted: not in Blackford, but in places down south. Blackford wasn’t perfect, far from it, but at least we didn’t treat others like inferior beings just because their skin wasn’t as lily white as ours. There was prejudice aplenty in Blackford, and some of it was against Negroes, but at least there was less of it here than in some places. I’d always thought that looking down on Negroes was the stupidest thing ever. Their skin was a different color. So what? It was early May and I’d already seen some people out tanning, trying to make their skin darker. If it was so desirable to have a good tan, why was it so undesirable to be darker still? Yeah, the world was a messed up place. Things like skin color or who you thought looked good naked shouldn’t matter. Angel filled my thoughts. Before we met, I thought mostly about baseball and coin collecting. Those things were just as important to me as ever, but Angel was more important. Of course, I’d thought a lot about Angel back when I thought he was going to hunt me down and beat me senseless, but that was an entirely different thing. Whenever I thought of him now, it filled me with happiness. Some of my classmates probably thought I was weird for breaking out into big, goofy smiles for no reason at all. There was a reason, but they just didn’t know it. All I had to do was think of Angel, and I was filled with a warm fuzzy feeling that was better than anything else. I was in love. Wow, Angel drove me crazy. Taking our shirts off and kissing and holding each other was all I could think about. A short time ago I would’ve thought that was perverted, but I knew better now. It felt wonderful beyond belief, although it created an almost painful feeling down between my legs. Even that felt good,

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although it kind of hurt, too. I felt like I was wandering around in a whole new world. I was eager to explore, but at the same time I was willing to take things slowly because everything was so very wonderful. I wanted to take the time to savor it all.

C H A P T E R ▼

11

The First Stirrings of Suspicion

My new world was shaken just after lunch. As I passed by the office, I saw Angel, Adam, Joshua, Travis, and some other guys from the baseball team being led into the principal’s office. The scary part was that the sheriff was there. Something was up, and I was afraid Angel was in big trouble. It didn’t seem possible that he could do anything really bad, but why was the sheriff involved? I spent the rest of the day worrying about it. I kept picturing my Angel being taken away in handcuffs. He did run with a bad crowd. Maybe they’d gotten him involved in a burglary or something. Maybe he’d gone along with it just to be one of the guys. I didn’t really understand why Angel ran around with that crowd. I suspected his bad-boy routine was protection against anyone finding out he liked boys, but joining Adam’s little gang seemed like overkill. Of course, everyone on the varsity team was in Adam’s gang. Maybe membership wasn’t an option. Angel seemed to be in the inner circle, however, and I didn’t like that. I didn’t like it at all. Angel was in the locker room when I arrived for baseball practice. I was so relieved that it was all I could do to keep myself from hugging him. My whole afternoon had been agony. I never realized before that caring about someone could hurt.

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I calmed myself as I undressed and then slipped into my uniform. He’s okay, Kurt. They didn’t take him away. It’s going to be okay. I was still kind of worried, but I was able to focus during practice. Angel left with the other varsity guys. I didn’t get a chance to talk with him, of course. Angel couldn’t talk to me at school. I was just a lowly JV brat after all and one who had recently been on the varsity hit list. The varsity guys rarely spoke to us JV guys, unless it was to insult us or tell us to get out of the way. Angel hadn’t had time to show me any batting techniques. We’d been too busy making out for that, but he had given me a few pointers on how to hold my bat and how to swing. I repeated his advice to myself just before I stepped up to the plate. I held my bat like he’d described, rather than the way I’d always done it. Tanner pitched, I swung, and whack! I hit the ball. I actually hit the ball! It was only batting practice, so there was nowhere to run, but I was elated. When I again hit the ball on my next turn at bat, Coach Marley said, “You’re improving, James. Whatever you’ve been doing to improve your batting and catching, keep it up.” I grinned, but I nearly laughed out loud. I had a feeling that my relationship with Angel and our semi-naked activities were largely responsible for my improved performance. I still had worries, of course, but I could banish them with the mere thought of Angel. He was my talisman, my good-luck charm, and he didn’t even need to be near. I thought of him practicing out on the varsity field, so very near, getting all hot and sweaty and…I had to stop myself. My protective cup and my jockstrap did a fair job of hiding such excitement, but it got very uncomfortable, if you know what I mean. I wondered why I was so hesitant to say certain words, or even think them. Like when I thought “excited” and meant “hard.” Well, I was excited when I thought of Angel, but hard more accurately described it or perhaps “throbbing,” but that sounded so vulgar. I could hardly bring myself to think some words. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to say them out loud. Even within the privacy of my own mind, I thought “between my legs” or “down there” rather than thinking “dick” or “balls.” Was that because such things just weren’t discussed? They sure were in the locker room and showers. If my parents knew even a tenth of what was said in there they’d freak out. Just hearing the words used in there would shock them. I’d even heard the F-word a few times. That was one word I definitely wouldn’t even think.


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I met Angel at our usual spot just past the A&W. I hugged him quickly. Every time we hugged in public it was a risk, but there was no one around and I needed a hug. I needed to feel safe. “Are you okay? Why did they take you into the principal’s office? Why was the sheriff there?” I asked quickly. All my worries had returned at the sight of Angel. Angel’s eyes fearfully darted around, and it scared me. If he was frightened, then there was something to be afraid of; it wasn’t just me worrying over nothing. “It was about that murder investigation—you know, Matt Taber.” “Yeah, I read about that.” “We were the last ones to see him alive, so the sheriff wanted to know details, like exactly when we last saw him and all that.” Angel looked uncomfortable. “There was something more, though, wasn’t there?” “He was asking a lot of questions. We were all together in the principal’s office for awhile, but then they put us in separate rooms. The sheriff told me he knew someone was lying, that our stories weren’t matching up. He didn’t come right out and say it, but I think he suspects at least one of us had something to do with it, or at least he thinks there is something we’re not telling.” “But, it’s the truth, right? What I read in the paper about Matt walking with you guys and then him leaving, and the car following him?” Angel looked away. “Angel?” “Please don’t ask me.” I could feel the color drain from my face. “We shouldn’t keep secrets from each other.” “Listen, I promise you, Kurt, I didn’t do anything. I didn’t hurt Matt. I didn’t kill him, but I just can’t talk about it. It’s not safe—for me or you. I don’t want to keep secrets from you, but I won’t put you in danger, either. I love you too much for that. Understand?” I didn’t like it. I didn’t like it at all, but I nodded. Angel pulled me to the side of the road where we were partially hidden by the trees. His pressed his lips to mine and kissed me. He held me close, his arms wrapped tightly around me, his body pressed to mine. My fears eased as I felt the muscles of his chest press against me. I wanted to be alone with him. I wanted to take the next step. Sam was gone when we stepped in the door, but Ida trapped us. After our short make-out session, I knew Angel wanted to be alone with me as badly as I


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wanted to be alone with him, but somehow we found ourselves saying “yes” to a game of Monopoly in the living room. Ida was flirting with Angel—no doubt about it. I know she was just dying for him to ask her out. I felt a little guilty sitting there letting her make herself look foolish, but what could I do: tell her she couldn’t have Angel because he was mine? Angel was kind to Ida, but drew away when she came too near. She didn’t seem to notice. She might have been able to become good friends with Angel, but she was trying too hard and going too far. I was kind of shocked. If Mom came in and saw the way she was flirting, she would’ve gotten a lecture for sure. I could just hear it now: “That’s not how young ladies are expected to behave.” Luckily for Ida, Mom stayed in the kitchen working on supper. Angel wiped us out. Early on, he managed to get two monopolies. I’d just bought New York Avenue, completing my own monopoly when I landed on Pacific Avenue. Angel had a hotel on it, so there went my dreams of becoming a big shot in real estate. He gleefully took my money. I struggled along after that. Ida did better, but Angel put one monopoly after another together until it was about impossible not to land on his property. I went bankrupt by stopping on Indiana Avenue. I’d hoped to last a bit longer by getting the money sitting on Free Parking, but no such luck. Ida lasted only a few minutes longer. By then, it was time for supper, so Angel and I were roped into eating with Mom, Dad, and Sis. It’s not that I minded all that much, but I wanted to be alone with Angel. It was all I could think about. I needed to be alone with him. I needed to touch him and be touched. It wasn’t all about sex, either, although sex was a powerful driving force just then. Mostly, I just needed to feel loved. Despite my impatience, it was kind of cool having Angel at the table. I wished I could introduce him as my boyfriend, but that would’ve been the end of everything. My entire family would likely have died of the shock, and I didn’t even want to think of what would’ve happened to me. My parents would have probably banished Angel and called his parents, too. No, they could never know I loved him. As much as it pained me to do so, I had to keep my love for the most wonderful boy in the world a secret. Angel was as polite as ever as he complimented Mom’s pork chops, cooked apples, and mashed potatoes. Anyone who knew him from school would’ve been sure it was an act, but I knew that bad-boy Angel was the façade, and the Angel sitting across from me was the real thing. Supper finally ended, and Angel and I made our way outside and straight for the tree house. We’d planned to go to his hay loft, but time had slipped away,


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and it was the tree house or nowhere. The trap door had barely slammed shut when we were in each other’s arms, kissing like we were starved for each other. Starved was a good way to put it. Our eyes met over and over at the dinner table, and I could read the desire in Angel’s. My own desire could best be described as…throbbing. There, I said it, and it’s the truth. I wanted to run my foot over his as we sat there with my family, but I didn’t dare for fear someone would notice. We were alone at last, and our tongues entwined. I surprised myself with my own boldness. I grabbed Angel’s shirt and pulled it right over his head. He grinned at me and nearly ripped mine off in his haste. We moved more slowly after that. There was no need to rush. Kissing Angel and running my hands over his bare chest was the most incredible experience I’d had in my life. It was heightened by my love for him. I realized at that moment that it was the love that made it so powerful. If I was doing the same things with one of the Nudo twins or some other attractive boy, it wouldn’t have been nearly as intense. I would’ve liked it, sure, but it wouldn’t have been the same: not at all. Before long Angel’s hands were rubbing on my pants, rubbing those parts of me that I couldn’t bring myself to name. I thought I just might lose control and have an accident, if you know what I mean. The pleasure was so intense it was nearly painful. The fact that it was Angel heightened the experience beyond belief. I trembled as Angel unfastened my belt and unzipped my jeans. “You okay?” he asked. “You want me to keep going?” I nodded. I couldn’t get my voice to work for some reason. Angel pulled my jeans down and my boxers. I was so nervous I couldn’t keep from shaking. Why was this so different than in the locker room at school? I was naked in front of guys there every single day. Naked, yes, but not…hard. Angel kissed my lips, my neck, my chest, and my stomach. He got down on his knees, and then he did it. He leaned in, opened his mouth, and he did it. I’d never felt anything like that in my whole life. In just a few seconds, my whole body shook and I cried out. Pure pleasure ripped right through every muscle. I swear my eyes rolled up into my head, and I thought I was going to pass out. I thought I might even die, but if I did, it was the perfect way to go. I had no concept that anything could feel so wonderfully exquisite and intense. It was joy itself. Angel grasped my hands and pulled me down to the mattress. I was panting as if I’d been running, and my heart was racing. Angel kissed me and then looked into my eyes. “Was it good?”


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“It was…it was beyond good. It was incredible. It was like…well, it was like nothing I’ve ever felt before. When I…well, you know…and it went on and on. Ecstasy, that’s the word. I never understood what that word really meant before, but I do now. It was the most incredible thing I’ve ever felt in my life!” Angel smiled. “So I was good?” “Oh you were good!” I giggled. We sat there in silence for a few moments. “Do you want me to…” I said, my voice trailing off. I think Angel picked up the hesitation in my voice. I wanted to do it, but there was some small part of me that wasn’t ready. Maybe there was still a bit of me that thought it was somehow wrong. And then, there was the part of me that was afraid I couldn’t do it right. There was no way I could equal what Angel had done. “Let’s wait,” said Angel. “I want it, but…let’s just wait.” I loved him so much. I know he had to want it more than anything else, but he was willing to be patient because he loved me. That made me want to do it all the more, but still I wasn’t quite ready. If Angel would’ve asked, I’d have done it, but he didn’t, so I let it be. I didn’t want him to leave unsatisfied, so I screwed up my courage, loosened his belt, and unfastened his jeans. Angel raised himself up off the mattress so I could pull them down. I looked at his boxers. He was obviously excited and bigger than I was, too. I pulled his boxers down with difficulty, and Angel had to raise up again to help me. I just gazed upon it for a moment. Yeah, Angel was bigger than I was. It stood straight up and jerked a little now and then. There was a little bit of blond hair just above, and below was his…well, you know. I reached out and grasped it. Angel tensed, and a little whimper escaped from his lips. I moved my hand up and down, just as I did when I was doing it to myself, but this was so much more intense. I hadn’t done it long when Angel arched his back and moaned. I’d never seen another guy have an orgasm before. Just watching made me hard again. When he’d finished, Angel smiled at me. Knowing I’d brought him such pleasure was almost even better than experiencing it myself. Angel cleaned himself up with his shirt and then lay back down. Angel and I lay there in each others arms for the longest time, kissing every now and then. I loved him with all my heart, and best of all, he loved me.


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“So how’s Angel?” asked Ryan, as I pulled the mower from the garage. “He’s…heavenly.” “There’s no doubt about it, you’re in love.” I grinned. “He’s wonderful. I think about him all the time and not just about having sex with him.” I swallowed, realizing what I’d just said. I think I turned a bit pink, too. “It’s okay, Kurt, there’s nothing wrong with sex when you love someone.” “It’s still a little embarrassing.” “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, Kurt.” “Well, I like talking to you about Angel. You’re the only one I can talk to about him. If anyone else knew, anyone who wasn’t like us, well, that would be a complete disaster.” “I understand that only too well.” “It’s kind of exciting having a secret, and yet I wish Angel and I could just date like any other couple. I wish we could hold hands at school and make out in the parking lot. Everyone would just totally freak out if we did that, though. A lot of people are so nasty about two guys together. It just blows me away.” “Well, there’s always been a lot of prejudice in the world, and let’s face it, a lot of people are less than kind. There are many who delight in power and control and get off on humiliating and abusing others. They wrap their hatred and ignorance up in religion, family values, or the flag, masquerading them as something else, but when you get right down to it, it’s still hatred and ignorance. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, and you can call a pile of manure anything you want, but it still stinks.” I laughed. “Perhaps the biggest problem with the world is that it’s filled with people who want to tell others what to do. They want everything their way. They have their own ideas about how things ought to be and react with venomous hatred when they don’t get what they want. We should all be looking out for each other, but greed and selfishness get in the way. It’s unfortunate that guys like us have to pay the price for it, but when you think about it, the prejudiced and hateful deserve our pity. I mean, would you really want to go through life filled with hate like that, living a life of such hypocrisy?” “I guess not.”


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“Sorry, I guess I slipped up onto my soapbox. I just want things to be so much better for boys like you that I get frustrated and upset.” “You have a kind heart,” I said. “Thank you, Kurt.” “Now, I’d better get this lawn mowed if I want to get paid.” Ryan laughed. I pulled off my shirt. I could feel Ryan’s eyes upon me. I pretended not to notice and pulled the mower away, started it, and began to mow. I thought about what Angel had said, about Ryan wanting something from me. I think Angel was both right and wrong. Ryan was obviously attracted to me, but I just knew he’d never do anything improper. He wouldn’t try to molest me. I wished Angel could meet him so he’d understand, but I didn’t know if that would ever happen.

C H A P T E R ▼

12

Our First “Date”

My heart pounded as I bought my movie ticket. My hand shook with nerves as I purchased a Milky Way and a Coke. I took a few breaths to calm myself, admiring the lobby of the old Delphi Theatre. I’d been there a hundred times before, but this time was like no other. I looked at the clock. It wasn’t quite time for the movie to start. I couldn’t go in too long before the lights were dimmed. I couldn’t be seen. My eyes fell on the dark crimson carpet and then rose to the massive chandelier above. Who would’ve thought that Blackford would have anything so grand? The movie theater had been around since the 1920s at least. That’s what my mother and grandmother said. It was ever so slightly run down now, but had been well maintained. I wondered how many hundreds of movies had been shown there over the years—at least one a week and often two. That had to add up. I took a sip of my Coke, the crushed ice chilling my lip, and then stepped into the theater. I stood near the back, peering into the gloom. My heart raced as my eyes fell on him, sitting just where he said he would, on the right, only a third of the way down the aisle. My eyes scanned the others waiting for the film to begin. I didn’t see any of my friends, but I spotted Jesse and Danny from the varsity team. They didn’t notice me, but then why would they? I was nothing to them. I felt slightly awkward standing there, but soon the lights dimmed, the screen came to life with previews, and I made my way toward Angel.

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I dropped into the seat beside Angel without looking at him. As the previews continued, I turned toward him. He met my gaze and smiled. It was the first time we dared appear in public together. It was all carefully arranged: Angel taking a seat well before the show started, me waiting until the last second to sit by him. We’d slip away just before the end of the movie and meet once more in the darkness of the streets. It was all very cloak and dagger and truly exciting. As the movie started, Angel reached out and placed his right hand on top of mine. We interlaced our fingers and sat there holding hands in the darkness. It was ever so slightly risky, but someone would’ve had to be almost on top of us to have seen. I wanted to make out with Angel the way some of the guys did with their girls, but just sitting there side by side holding hands took every ounce of courage I could muster. It was the most wonderful thing in the world, though, sitting there, holding hands, and watching a movie with my boyfriend. I loved the sound of that—with my boyfriend. I was truly happy for the first time in my life. My eyes widened as Angel released my hand and reached over to my leg. He ran his hand back and forth. He didn’t take things any further, but it just about drove me out of my mind. I looked at him, and he giggled. He knew what he was doing to me. I laughed, too. Luckily, the film we were watching was a comedy, so no one noticed. Angel kept playing with my leg for quite a while. It was weird that it was so sexy. It made me want him so bad I could hardly stand it. I wanted Angel all the time. He was all I could think about. It wasn’t just sex I thought about, though. Often, I just thought about being with him. That’s how I knew I truly loved him. Angel stopped teasing me and took my hand again. I was content living in the moment, but I also looked forward to the future. He wouldn’t have teased me if he didn’t mean to give me some relief after the movie. I was nervous, but I thought I was ready to do for Angel what he’d done for me. To be honest, I’d been fantasizing about it. I was more than ready. Part of me wanted to skip out on the rest of the movie so I could do it, but another part of me wouldn’t have given up my first real date with Angel for anything. I sat there in the magical world of the movie house with my boyfriend. The contentment I experienced in his presence made me want to spend my whole life with him. Angel was funny and kind and loving. He was sensual and sexual and exciting. I wanted us to be together until we were so old we didn’t even think about sex. Sitting there with Angel, holding his hand, was like a waking dream. It was one of those extremely rare occasions in my life when I thought, “I’ve never been


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this happy before.” This night was going to be extremely hard to top. Being with Angel had set the bar higher than it had ever been before. When I could see that the movie was coming to an end, I stood up quickly and exited the theater. Once outside I realized I hadn’t even touched my Milky Way bar. That was a sure sign of love; nothing before had made me forget about chocolate. I walked down the street and waited in the shadows at our prearranged rendezvous. I devoured the gooey chocolate, caramel, and nougat candy bar and slurped on the remainder of my Coke as I waited. Angel appeared at my side less than two minutes later. How was it that the mere sight of him could fill me with contentment and love? He put his hands on my shoulders and leaned in. He kissed me. I was in heaven. My eyes widened and my heart pounded in fear. “Jesse,” I whispered to Angel. He shoved me away roughly. “Who said you could walk on my street, punk?” I knew it was an act for Jesse’s benefit. He was getting close now, close enough to see us. He was walking with Danny. Angel turned to face them. “Hey, Angel,” said Danny. “Hey.” Jesse said nothing. He just glanced at Angel without expression and kept walking. “If I catch you on my street again, I’ll kick your ass,” said Angel. We waited until Jesse and Danny were out of sight. “So how am I at improvisational acting?” asked Angel. “Not bad, but it would’ve been more convincing if you would’ve shoved me to the ground,” I said, grinning. Angel smiled. I so wanted to kiss him, but the risk was obvious. “That was close,” said Angel. “Too close.” “Yeah, I’d better control myself in public. If you hadn’t seen Jesse…” “Well, I did, so we’re safe.” I leaned in a little closer and whispered, “And you can kiss me soon enough.” Angel and I began walking down the street, but before we’d gone twenty paces, we spotted Chuck and Travis, yet two more boys from Angel’s team, along with Angela Yates and a couple of girls I recognized, but couldn’t name. They were all headed in our direction. When did Blackford become so crowded? “Trouble,” said Angel.


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“See you tomorrow,” I said, making a split-second decision. I crossed the street and disappeared into the darkness, bitterly disappointed that my night with Angel had come to a premature end. It was a necessity, however; Angel’s friends weren’t stupid. We could only fool them so many times before they wised up. Luckily, Angel had seen Chuck and Travis before they’d spotted us. I was able to slip away unseen. It was lonely walking by myself. I usually didn’t mind, I enjoyed it in fact, but I missed Angel. I’d been with him only moments before, but I missed him as if I hadn’t seen him in days. It was silly in a way, but then maybe it made sense, or maybe it just went to show how much I’d grown to love him. I walked past the high school, most of the windows darkened on this Sunday night. It was a bit eerie that a place so filled with noise and life during the day should be so desolate at night. It was intriguing as well. I’d never been able to figure out why, but I’d long had a fascination with empty buildings and houses, especially ones that were abandoned. Angel said that on the far southern edge of his farm was an old brick schoolhouse. It’d been the Blackford School, both grade and high school, until the current high school was built somewhere around 1900. It too had been filled with noise and life—laughter, too, no doubt—but now it stood empty. Angel said that the old slate chalkboard was still there as well as the desks—just sitting there as if waiting for the kids to come back from summer vacation. But they weren’t coming back, not ever. They were all grown, and most were probably dead by now. It was weird thinking that most of those kids weren’t even alive anymore. I wondered if any of them came back to haunt their old schoolhouse as ghosts. I couldn’t wait for Angel to show it to me. Angel had told me there was an old, old farmhouse far back on his property, too. It was made of brick and really too fancy to be a farmhouse, but he was sure that’s what it had been. There was a barn nearby and everything. It was yet another empty place that intrigued me, another I couldn’t wait to see. I’d heard of the old farmhouse myself, although I’d never been quite sure where it was located. It was the haunted house of this part of the country. I wanted to explore it with Angel sometime, but only in the daylight! I sighed. All my thoughts of lifeless schools and houses weren’t doing anything to cheer me up. I’d just had the most wonderful night of my life, but it had ended too soon. I’d wanted to spend long, delicious minutes in Angel’s arms, hugging and kissing him. Being parted from him was painful. My heart yearned to spend more time with Angel, but how could we? We’d narrowly escaped disaster tonight, and then moments later we were nearly spotted again. Blackford was too small a town for boys with a secret. There were too


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many prying eyes, too many people with nothing better to do than watch for scandal. Oh, how I wished we could date openly, go to dances, to the soda fountain, and the drive-in. It was a simple wish, but one I feared would never be granted, for we were boys unlike other boys and therefore had to hide ourselves or face the consequences. There had to be a way we could be together without anyone getting wise. Other guys hung out together. Did I suspect Jesse and Danny were lovers because they went to a movie together? Not for a second. Now that would’ve been funny. Why couldn’t Angel and I spend time together like they could? I gave it more thought as I walked toward home. There had to be some way for us to be together. I remembered Dad, or maybe it was Grandfather, once saying the best place to hide something was in plain sight. Maybe Angel and I were just trying too hard. All we had to do is figure out a good reason for us to be together. But what could that be? Angel had been helping me with baseball, but was that enough of an excuse? Probably not. If we tried to use that as an excuse for a newfound friendship then everyone would start asking why he was helping me. It was too voluntary. We needed something to “force” us to be together. I paused. An idea had suddenly popped into my head. I was smart, really smart. Angel was no simpleton, but if he was having trouble in something like English Literature…Yeah, last fall, when Adam was flunking out of English and was about to become ineligible for the football team, what’s his name, that brainy kid who was always doing crossword puzzles was roped into being Adam’s tutor. Angel could pretend his parents demanded that he improve his English Lit grade—for college or whatever. Yes! That was it! It was perfect! Suddenly my disappointment at not getting to spend the night in Angel’s arms disappeared. If my plan worked, we’d have loads of time together. ✶

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I was beyond eager to discuss my plan with Angel, but I couldn’t approach him at school. He left a note in my locker saying he couldn’t meet me after school, but that he’d call sometime after nine. I was bummed out, but at least we could discuss it on the phone. I didn’t know if I could tolerate the delay. I laughed at myself, remembering the poster I’d once seen somewhere that said, “May God grant me patience, and I want it right now!” Angel smiled shyly whenever our paths crossed and no one else was around. When witnesses were present, he either ignored or bullied me. I didn’t mind really. It had more or less become a game. Both of us enjoyed pulling the wool


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over the eyes of everyone around us. They would have freaked out if they knew what was really going on between us. Why was life so much more exciting when it was dangerous? I walked down the steps of the gym, wishing Angel would be waiting on me at our secret spot, disheartened because I knew he wouldn’t be there. At least I’d get to talk to him in a few hours. I reminded myself to be thankful for what I had. I couldn’t expect to spend every spare moment with him. We both had lives after all. Tyler Nudo sprinted down the steps after me, followed closely by his twin. “Hey, Kurt! Wait up!” I halted, not sure of my feelings. I liked the Nudo twins and was curious about them, but still… “You busy?” asked Tyler. I considered saying “yes,” but I didn’t like to lie. I had no good reason to do so anyway. I had absolutely nothing to do. “Not particularly.” “Good, then you’re coming with us. We’re taking you to Merton’s for a hot-fudge sundae.” Tyler grabbed my wrist in a vise-link grip and pulled me toward Main Street. I almost felt like I was being abducted, but the Nudo twins were hardly kidnappers. Unless…. No, that was just stupid. There was no way they had anything to do with Matt Taber’s death. The twins walked so closely on either side of me that our shoulders were touching more often than not. That slight physical contact excited me. The twins were extremely attractive with their black hair, brown eyes, and tanned, toned bodies. The fact that they were twins made them doubly interesting, and dare I say it, arousing? I felt something passing between us as we walked and talked. It was electrical, or maybe chemical like pheromones, or maybe even psychic. I didn’t know, but some kind of communication was going on that didn’t involve words or even body language. I felt almost animal-like, primitive, as if I was being led by instinct alone. I soon found myself seated on a high stool at the counter of Merton’s Ice Cream Parlor with a Nudo twin on either side and a hot-fudge sundae in front of me. Merton’s was a throwback to the old days, but then so was much of Blackford. The counter was actually marble and felt cool under my forearms. There were pyramids of parfait and sherbet glasses stacked at the ends of the counter and along the wall on another counter, too. Directly across from me was an


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ancient milkshake mixer. There was no soft-serve ice cream here like at the A&W. The ice cream at Merton’s was hand-dipped out of the dozen flavors displayed in a refrigerated glass display case at the end of the counter. Merton’s was all dark, polished wood and white marble. It was clean and tidy, but unthinkably old. I was willing to bet if someone from the turn of the century walked in he would’ve felt completely at home. Nothing had changed since the beginning in Merton’s, except the clothing of the customers. There was even an old, old white and red porcelain Coca-Cola dispenser on the back counter that advertised Coke by the glass for only five cents. You could still get it for that price, too! “If you keep going, Kurt, you could make varsity next year,” said Tanner. “Yeah, right. I don’t have a chance. If I keep improving I might not be the worst player on the team.” “You’re not the worst,” said Tyler. “Well, I’m close enough. It’s okay, though, I can live without being a hot shot. I just like to play. There is more to life than baseball,” I said, remembering Ryan’s words. “It might not be safe for you on the varsity team, anyway,” said Tyler. “Egler sure had it in for you there for awhile.” “Is it true he and Adam tied you up in the woods and tortured you?” asked Tanner. “What do you think?” He didn’t answer. “No, it’s not true. Adam grabbed me after practice and slugged me in the face, though. Then Angel took over and beat the crap out of me.” “Yeah, he’s a tough one,” said Tanner, “but he’s good lookin’.” I stiffened slightly. Tanner had just uttered a taboo statement. One boy did not say another was good looking. He could call him ugly or insult him in any way, but to give any hint one might find another boy attractive was just not done. I didn’t know how to react. “He’s tough,” I said at last, not knowing what else to say. I hoped neither of the twins sensed I’d just become uncomfortable. Why had Tanner exposed himself like that in front of me? Was he testing me? Was he trying to find out my secret? Or did he have another motive? I thought again about the rumors. What if they were true? I felt myself drawn to the twins, but I resisted. Not so long ago I would have been fighting down my attraction to them because I thought it was perverted. Now I did so because I was in love with Angel. Still, I was not in complete con-


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trol. That something primitive and instinctual I’d felt within myself before was still there, and its influence was strong. I knew I had to keep on my toes or it would get me into trouble. The twins talked to me about baseball and school, but it was kind of obvious they were working to keep the conversation going. I didn’t think they were really interested in just talking to me. Something else was up: something new, dangerous, and exciting. Half an hour later our sundaes were gone, and we were outside walking down Main Street. “Hey, why don’t you come home with us for a bit?” asked Tanner. “Our parents are out, so it’ll be just us.” “I don’t know,” I said, getting a bit edgy. Why did the twins always emphasize the absence of their parents when inviting me over? I had my suspicions, and if they were correct, the situation was quite dangerous. “Come on, just for a while,” said Tyler. “We don’t bite.” I should have said “no,” but I was possessed by an insatiable curiosity about the Nudo twins. There was an irresistible aura of mystery surrounding them. I agreed to go home with them, just for awhile, but it made me feel very naughty. I knew I was likely making a mistake, but as long as I controlled myself, there was nothing to fear. Their motives might not be what I suspected, in any case. A part of me just had to know the truth about them. Discovering the truth would be worth considerable risk. The Nudos lived far up Main Street, near the edge of town, farther than I’d ever gone on any of my runs. They lived in a nice little cottage with what looked like cedar shingles for siding. The place looked bigger on the inside than the outside and turned out to have three bedrooms, as well as a kitchen, living room, bathroom, and a study. I liked the interior. It reminded me of a mountain lodge somewhere. There was even a stone fireplace. The tour ended in the bedroom shared by the twins. Directly across from the door was a set of three multi-paned windows, which were the only ones in the room. Since they took up nearly the entire wall, more were hardly necessary. Along each of the two remaining walls were a twin bed and a matching desk and bookcase. It was the same whether one looked left or right, as if one side of the room was a mirror image of the other. Most of the available wall space was covered by posters and pages torn from magazines, mostly of baseball players, but a lot of swimmers too. I had no idea that either Tanner or Tyler was interested in swimming. “Nice room.”


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“Thanks.” Both twins appeared uncomfortable once we’d reached their room. They’d seemed excited and even giddy up to that point, but now they seemed kind of nervous, which made me nervous in turn. I gazed at them for a moment. They were cute. They were dressed in pale blue jeans and wore matching white and blue football jerseys with the number 14 on them. The twins didn’t always dress alike, but today they were mirror images of each other. If they were to lie down on their beds, one side of their room really would be identical to the other, except for the posters, that is. “Listen, um, Kurt,” said Tyler. “We’ve had our eye on you and we seem to have a lot in common. Don’t you think?” “Yeah, I guess we do. We all play baseball, at least.” “I’m talking about something more…personal, more hidden.” “Hidden?” I was becoming uncomfortable and yet at the same time excited. “You seem to look around a lot in the showers,” said Tanner. I froze. “Well…I’d keep my eyes closed in there, but then I’d bump into people and fall down.” My pathetic attempt at humor fell dead. “I think you know what I mean,” said Tanner. I didn’t say a word. “It’s okay,” said Tyler. “We won’t tell anyone—really, we won’t.” “What are you trying to say?” I asked. “We just thought you might be interested in joining us.” My breath caught in my throat. Tyler and Tanner both looked at me then gazed at each other. They stepped toward each other, looked at me nervously once more, and then leaned in and kissed right before my eyes! This is not happening. I was astounded. Even though I suspected that’s just what they were about to do, it floored me. It also powerfully aroused me, as if my primitive nature had been called to rampage. I knew if I didn’t get out of that room very quickly, I’d do something I’d truly regret. “I’ve got to leave!” I said, much too loudly I’m sure. I made for the door. Tyler put his hand on my chest and stopped me. I began to get frightened. I was already freaked out. I knew the rumors about the Nudo twins and their actions seemed to be leading to something, but I just never thought…well, I just didn’t think it could possibly be true. Well, I did. Part of me even knew, perhaps, but…they were brothers! “I think we’ve made a really bad mistake here,” said Tyler, his voice shaking.


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All the color had drained from his face and Tanner looked just as terrified— terrified of me. “Listen,” said Tyler, “I’m sorry. I thought…we thought…well…please don’t tell anyone, okay?” “Please,” said Tanner, pleading with me. “We thought, well, we were obviously wrong and…shit, please don’t tell anyone. Please!” I tried hard to put a disapproving look on my face and act as if I wasn’t tempted by their offer. One look at the front of my jeans would have told them the truth. The material was about to rip from the strain. I’d feared they knew my secret, but they’d only guessed. They’d mistaken my shock for revulsion, and I snatched at their error to protect myself. I probably couldn’t have done such a good job of acting horrified if it wasn’t for Angel. The truth is, I would have probably done anything the twins wanted otherwise, but my heart belonged to Angel. The twins were powerfully desirable, but I could never have sex with anyone but Angel. I just couldn’t! “I won’t tell anyone,” I said. “Now I’ve really got to go.” I pushed my way out and down the stairs, leaving the twins mortified and no doubt still frightened. I let myself out and ran down the street. I wasn’t frightened of the twins, but their implied knowledge of what, until so recently I’d thought of as my perverted side, shook me up. Had I been so obvious? I couldn’t risk anyone finding out the truth. I felt crummy for not being kinder to the twins. I could have told them I understood and even that I liked boys, too, but I just didn’t feel secure enough to share my secret. I sincerely doubted it was some kind of trap, not after they’d kissed each other, but still I couldn’t even contemplate telling someone the truth about me. I just wasn’t ready to take that step, even when it seemed safe. Well, I’d told Ryan, but he wasn’t a classmate and teammate. It was completely different. The next time I got the chance to speak with them alone, I’d tell the twins once more their secret was safe with me. That’s the best I could do. I would keep their secret, of course, except for Angel. I just had to tell him. I felt guilty for being so powerfully attracted to the twins, but then again, I’d resisted temptation. I could have stayed with them. They’d obviously given me an invitation. I could have had sex with them, and no one would have been the wiser. Only the three of us would’ve known, and the twins would never have told a living soul. I’d know, however, and my relationship with Angel was too important to mess up. He was my boyfriend. I was only for him. Angel was hotter than both the Nudo twins combined, but even if he wasn’t, I would have been true to


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him. I felt a little guilty for my attraction to others, but I also felt like I’d passed some kind of test. I’d been tempted and I’d remained faithful. When Angel called, I told him all about my experience with the twins. I held none of my feelings back, and he understood. I loved him all the more. Luckily, I had enough privacy to discuss the twins and the brilliant (if I do say so myself) plan I’d come up with to allow us to spend time together in public. Angel loved my plan, and we decided to put it into action the very next day.

C H A P T E R ▼

13

Hiding In The Open

Angel caught my arm as I walked past his table with my tray. “Hey, what time can we meet after school?” he asked. Hiding in plain view, this was it. Adam, Joshua, Travis, Jesse, Chuck, Danny, and everyone else on the varsity team was sitting right there, listening to every word. It was a completely different strategy than Angel and I had used before. “Um…JV practice is usually over before yours…so…I can just wait for you,” I said nervously. I didn’t have to act too much, because standing there with all the varsity players staring at me was intimidating as heck. I didn’t quite meet Angel’s eyes. Now that part was acting. “Okay, see you then.” I moved away slowly so I could listen in as long as I possible. “What was that about?” asked Joshua. “My parents ordered me to get an A in English Literature or else. If I don’t, I have to give up baseball.” “What?” Adam practically screamed. “You’ve got to play!” “Relax. Kurt’s going to pull my ass out of the fire. Mrs. Ryan says he’s some kind of Lit whiz. We’ve already made a deal. He helps me pass, and I don’t pound his face.” Danny laughed. “Desperate times make for strange bedfellows,” said Chuck. “Homo!” Angel shot at him, bringing on more laughter. - 148 -

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That was the last I heard as I passed out of hearing range. I sat down and ate my hot dog and French fries, pleased our ruse was going off without a hitch. Not one of Angel’s teammates seemed suspicious. Angel and I were playing it out in the open, where everyone and no one could see us. ✶

✶

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I was nervous as I sat in enemy territory. It was the same locker room I used every day, but once the JV team cleared out and it was only the varsity players, I sure felt like I was surrounded by the enemy. My thoughts went back to the day Adam grabbed me, and some of the very guys standing around me now tied me up. I nervously looked down at the floor. Angel and I were certainly an unlikely pair, but I guess that would help us maintain our secret. No one could imagine it, so hopefully no one would ever figure it out. We hoped our ruse would keep them from even thinking about it. Angel looked so sexy and cute in his baseball uniform, and that long blond hair of his perfected the picture. I tried to keep my eyes to myself as he undressed, revealing his smooth, firm body, but it wasn’t easy. He was just so sexy! It was even harder when he returned in a towel a few minutes later with little rivulets of water running down his chest. It was hard to imagine he was the same boy who’d struck fear into my soul not all that long ago. I could remember sitting in absolute terror, waiting to see how badly he’d beat me. But he hadn’t laid a finger on me, and what I thought was going to be the worst moment in my life turned out to be the beginning of something wonderful. Angel pulled his towel off, and I forced myself to look the other way. I reminded myself that I could have my own private showing of Angel’s body just about any time I wanted. And now, we’d be spending more time together than ever! I rarely stayed so late in the locker room. It was different with the older guys. They weren’t all older. Angel and a few others were my age, but most were, and the others seemed more mature, at least physically. I’d thought the locker-room talk of the JV team was bad, but it was nothing compared to the varsity players’ talk. I heard the F-word half a dozen times as I sat there, usually used in a sentence about a girl. Most of the talk was about sex, and some of it made my face turn red. I led a sheltered life, it was true, but these guys were hard core. It sickened me. I don’t think any one of those guys knew anything about love. It was just sex and nothing more. It was nothing like what I had with Angel.

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The word “homo” was flung back and forth as an insult with abandon. It made me feel even more like I was sitting among enemies. If they had any idea about me…well, I just didn’t want to think about the consequences. The older guys were a lot more appealing to look at naked, too. They were definitely more mature, and the locker room was way more interesting than it was when just the JV team was in there. Everything was bigger. I noticed Angel pulled his English Lit book from his locker just before he turned to me. I was already holding mine. The books were our magical talismans that cloaked our real intentions from all. “Come on,” said Angel and I followed him out of the locker room. Never before had I walked out of the gym with Angel. Never before had I walked by his side down the street in the daylight. It was weird and wonderful. “Hey,” I said, “let’s go to Merton’s and get milkshakes or something. Or we could go to the Black Heifer and have supper. It’ll be our first date in the daylight.” “I’m in the mood for ice cream,” said Angel, and so we made for Merton’s. I wanted to hold his hand, but it was enough to be able to walk down the street with Angel. Who would’ve thought I’d be walking down Main Street in Blackford, Indiana, with my boyfriend—Angel Egler no less! The glass rattled and the bell chimed as the door snapped shut behind us. Merton’s looked the same as it did the day before. Of course, it always looked the same and probably had since the beginning of time. Angel and I avoided the stools at the counter and instead chose an intimate little table with round-bottomed chairs near the back. There we could talk in hushed voices and no one could hear. Derek Spradley took our order. I knew he worked in Merton’s, although I hadn’t seen him when I was in with the twins. It was a prime job in Blackford, and he’d bragged about beating out everyone else who’d tried for it. His eyes widened a little at the sight of Angel and me together, but then he caught a glance of our Lit books, which we’d opened to our current assignment. Our cover was working well. I ordered a chocolate milkshake, and Angel ordered a caramel sundae that sounded so good I nearly changed my order. I thought about the boy and girl I’d seen sharing a shake at the A&W and wished Angel and I could do that, but we needed to take things one step at a time. As pleased as I was to be with Angel, I was nervous, too. I’d never been so daring before. We ignored our lit books and grinned at each other. “It’s exciting, isn’t it?” I said. “Us together under everyone’s noses.”

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“Yeah, it’s like…dangerous and thrilling.” “Maybe it’s even better this way, but I guess we don’t have a choice.” “That’s for sure. Can you imagine?” “I don’t think I want to.” “Are you sure you’re willing to take the risk, Kurt?” “Yeah, I’m scared of what could happen, but I don’t want to be lonely anymore. I don’t think I even realized how lonely I was before I met you. I can talk to you about stuff I’ve always had to keep inside. I guess I was kind of stupid believing there was no one else like me in the entire world, but everywhere I look it’s boys with girls and married people. It’s like everyone is paired up, and it’s always with someone of the opposite sex.” “I think there’re a lot more of us than anyone imagines. We just have to stay hidden.” “It’s not fair.” “No, it’s not, but life usually isn’t fair. There’s always some group like us around that has to remain undercover or take the consequences. It’s like people need a scapegoat to blame their troubles on.” “Like the Nazis hating the Jews.” “Exactly. Think about it. What did the Jews do that was so bad? Nothing. But they got blamed for everything. It’s like that with us. I think people go off on guys like us so they won’t have to look at what’s wrong with themselves. They can just blame us for their troubles and feel good about themselves. It also gives them a good excuse to bully us around.” I saw Derek coming up behind Angel with our ice cream. “I’m not sure what will be on the test, but there’s usually something about symbolism.” Angel caught on fast and said no more about our other topic. We said nothing at all for a bit, as I slurped on my milkshake and Angel dug into his sundae. We didn’t need words. I wish I could describe how wonderful it felt just sitting there with him! If I could’ve bottled that feeling, people would’ve paid anything for it. It was like pure joy. “That looks good,” I said. “Is the coast clear?” I nodded. Angel scooped up a spoonful of his sundae with plenty of caramel and fed it to me. I grinned. “It is good,” I said. Angel had a dreamy look in his eyes. That’s what I loved about Angel. He was so sweet and romantic. Our classmates at school didn’t know him at all. Only I

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knew the real Angel, just as only he knew the real me. Well, Ryan knew a bit, but Angel knew a whole lot more. Angel was wearing his letterman’s jacket. He looked so handsome in purple and gold. I felt like a giddy girl for a moment, excited over dating the captain of the football team, but I was no girl. I’d always enjoyed being a guy. I think that’s why I was attracted to them. I liked their strength and aggressive nature. Angel was definitely strong—in body and character. The strength of his body was obvious—a muscular chest, biceps, and a six-pack. Mmm. His strength of character was just as attractive, though. I knew he had fears, but he didn’t seem afraid of anything. Just being with him made me feel safe. Angel caught me staring at his face, but I didn’t mind. He blushed. It made him cuter than ever. Allen, the towel boy, came in and sat at the counter not far away, so we had to go into our jock-and-his-tutor mode. It wasn’t hard. We had Lit different periods, but we had the same assignments. When we were forced to talk about Lit, we actually got some work done. We finished our ice cream and walked out onto the street. We slowly strolled down Main while I had dreamy thoughts of us someday getting a house and living together. “Do you think Allen is one of us?” asked Angel. “He’s always checking everyone out. I’ve seen him stare at guys’ asses when he thinks no one is looking.” “I think it’s pretty likely. I always wondered why he doesn’t get his butt kicked.” “I dunno. I think it’s his jokes. He’s lookin’, but it’s like he’s not really lookin’. It’s more like he’s judging and giving out scores.” “Then you must get a ten,” I said. “You think so?” “Oh, yeah.” “I’d give you a ten any day, big boy,” said Angel. I turned a little red. “I want to be alone with you,” I said. Angel knew just what I meant. I looked down at his jeans, and there was a bulge in the front. I had not yet returned the favor Angel had done for me a few days earlier. I think part of me still thought of it as a little perverted. Old habits die hard. It didn’t make any sense to think that way, though. When Angel did it for me, it didn’t seem perverted at all. It was intense and wonderful, and I thought it was the greatest thing in the world that one person could make another feel that good. Still, when it came to me doing it, some part of me resisted. I know Angel had to want it, but he didn’t pressure me. I’d had some time to think it over, and

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I wanted it, too. It was yet another way of showing Angel how much I loved him, and I just plain wanted to do it. Angel’s farm suddenly seemed much too far away. We had to stop at my house, anyway. Just Mom was home, so the coast was clear. We had a snack in the kitchen and then made a show of taking our Lit books with us to the tree house. We were going to be studying up there all right, but we’d be studying each other. As soon as the trap door slammed shut we were in each other’s arms. I’d been waiting all day for Angel to hold me, and he hugged me tight at last. Our lips met, and we made out like nobody’s business. We pulled each other’s clothes off, fumbling with buttons and zippers in our haste. We couldn’t wait to get at each other. I kissed Angel yet again. I could never get enough of the taste of his lips and tongue. Pressing against his naked body felt natural and wonderful. It was one of those things I could tell was just meant to be. I was drawn to Angel, as if he were another part of me I wished to join with. We were two halves that made a whole. The locker room talk I’d heard earlier seemed so vulgar and base. It conveyed none of the love I felt for Angel as we hugged, kissed, and caressed each other. What we had was much more than just sex. The physical acts, the kissing and all the rest were a physical expression of our love. Making love felt like our souls trying to join. I wish we could have done that: truly become one. If that were possible, I knew I’d never be lonely again. Our love-making was beautiful, but I don’t feel comfortable describing it in detail, so I’ll just tell you that I slid down Angel’s smooth body and then did for him what he’d done for me before. I’m sure you can figure it out. I didn’t think anything could be better than when Angel did it for me, but knowing how good I was making him feel was even better. His body reacted by tensing and flexing, and he moaned with pleasure. I was glad my first time was with Angel. It would’ve been regrettable if I’d wasted it on someone I didn’t love. I don’t know if I would’ve actually done it with someone I didn’t care about, but I might have. The twins would sure have been tempting, if I wasn’t already committed to Angel. My body had been demanding sex for quite a while, even though I didn’t really know exactly what went on during sex. My body seemed to know. It must’ve been an instinct, one of those built-in things you don’t have to learn. I guess that’s why I couldn’t stop masturbating once I’d discovered it. It was an outlet my body needed, because I wasn’t having sex. I’d done some reading in the library that said sex was a need, just like food and air. Why did people get so uptight over something that was natural?

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My jaws were aching a little, but I kept on going. I looked up to see Angel with his eyes closed, a look of pure joy on his face. Nothing pleased me more than being able to make him feel like that. Angel’s body convulsed, and he moaned louder. Again, I don’t feel comfortable spelling it out, but you know what was happening. If not, you’ll just have to look it up somewhere because I’m not sayin’. It was intense and wonderful, however, and I’d never felt so close to Angel before. Angel pulled me to my feet and held me close. I grinned at him shyly, but couldn’t quite look him in the eyes. “What’s wrong, Babe?” he asked. “I’m kinda embarrassed.” “Why?” “Well, I just…you know.” “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, Kurt. I love you and you love me don’t you?” I nodded my head vigorously. “We’re making love, Kurt. We’re showing how much we love each other. If it makes you uncomfortable and you don’t want to do it, we don’t have to. I’ll still love you just the same. I don’t ever want you doing anything that makes you unhappy, not for my sake. Making love with you is wonderful beyond description, but if you can’t handle it, I’m willing to wait. If you’re never ready, well, I’ll still love you. I’ll still want to be with you because love is about a whole lot more than sex.” I grinned. “I didn’t mean I don’t want to do it! I want to do it with you all the time! It’s just that, I don’t know, I guess I’m just being silly, but…” I paused. “This is going to be difficult for me to say because I’m not used to talking about things like this, but…well, you know how the guys talk in the locker room. Just today, when I was in there waiting on you and the other varsity guys were there, Jesse and Chuck were kind of arguing and kind of just kidding around, but Chuck called Jesse a homo and then Jesse said something like, ‘You’re the only cocksucker here. If I’d let you, you’d be down on your knees sucking my dick in an instant.’ Chuck said something like, ‘You wish,’ and they laughed it off, but…” “Kurt, those guys don’t know anything. Listen, sex can be dirty or it can be a wonderful experience. Those guys are making it sound dirty. They talk about having sex with girls all the time. You don’t even want me to repeat what I’ve heard, but they make it sound dirty and nasty with girls, just like they did when they were joking around in front of you about guys. I’m going to tell you some-

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thing: I’ve had sex before, without love, before I met you. It felt good, amazing even, and I wanted it, but it was nothing like what we’ve got together, not even close. I don’t feel dirty for what I did, even though it was just sex, and you shouldn’t feel dirty because of what you just did, because that was making love.” I nodded. “It’s just all new to me. I’m still trying to get used to the idea that it’s okay for us to love each other.” “It’s more than okay, Kurt.” I smiled and kissed Angel. I hugged him close. We just lay there hugging and kissing each other for the longest time and then Angel slid down my body and pulled me between his lips. Just like the first time, I was utterly amazed that anything could feel so good. Some minutes later, we climbed down the tree house ladder, fully clothed, of course, and walked toward Angel’s farm. When we got there he led me past the barn and between the fields. There was an earthy scent to the air that I found pleasant, even though it was nothing like the scents I usually thought of as enjoyable, like the scent of flowers, freshly mown grass, or falling rain. I breathed in the fresh air. I loved Angel’s farm. “There’s something I want to show you,” said Angel. “I’ve already seen it,” I said, giggling, “and I like it.” “Not that!” said Angel, laughing. “Come on.” I didn’t know where Angel was leading me, but we headed south. I was totally content just to walk at his side. I understood what Angel had meant when he said he’d still love me even if we didn’t make love. Making love with Angel was just about the most wonderful thing in the world, but just being with him, loving him, and feeling loved by him was even better. What we had went beyond friendship, which is a powerful and wonderful thing itself. I can’t even begin to describe the joy of it. I wondered what the fields about us would look like when the crops were fully grown. I’d seen plenty of cornfields, of course, but I’d never walked out in one. The corn wasn’t very high at all yet, but in a few weeks it would be over our heads. What was now a vast open space populated only by an ancient tree or piece of old farm machinery here and there, would be all closed in when the corn shot to the sky. After several minutes of walking, we left the fields and entered a wood. There was a path under the trees that had once been an old road, but was now disused and overgrown. “Is this the path not taken?” I asked.

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“How can it be, if we’re taking it?” asked Angel. “You like Robert Frost?” “Yeah.” “Me too, although I’m not big on poetry in general.” We walked yet farther along our chosen path. Evening was coming on, and it was getting dark under the trees, but not too dark yet. We passed stands of May apples and bunches of white wildflowers. There were blue flowers growing wild here and there, too, but I did not know their name. I loved the little wood. It was quiet and beautiful. “Remember that old school house I told you about?” asked Angel. “Yeah.” “Well, we’re almost there.” So that’s where he was taking me. Angel was right about us almost being there. I could see a clearing up ahead and could just make out a wall of brick through a break in the trees. As we grew nearer, the forest brightened until we stepped out into the evening light, which seemed bright as day compared to the shadows in the wood. There, before us, stood the old one-room school. The schoolyard was overgrown, and ivy climbed the walls of the old building, but otherwise it looked as if it was ready for students. Angel pointed out the cornerstone. It read, “Blackford School, Erected March 14th, 1852.” I followed Angel up the stone steps, worn smooth by who-knew-how-many feet over the years. He opened the heavy, carved oak door, and we stepped inside. The light was a bit dim coming through long unwashed windows, but we could still see tolerably well. It was just like Angel had described. The chalkboard was still there, as were the desks. Everything was still there. “It’s like the school is just sitting here, waiting for the students to return,” I said. “Cool, isn’t it?” “I love old abandoned buildings like this.” “Me too. You know my granddaddy and great granddaddy went to this school,” said Angel. “Really?” “Yep.” “So this was the whole school, huh, everything in one room: grade school and high school?” “Yeah, I guess there weren’t too many students in each grade. Of course, way back then there were a whole lot more schools.” “I guess there’d have to be.”

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I looked around. There were ink wells still in the desks, books still on shelves along the walls, and an old American flag, probably missing several stars, standing on a pole in the corner. “They just up and left all this when they built our school?” “Must have,” said Angel, “although I don’t know why. It looks like they could’ve used some of it.” “I’m amazed no one has come in and taken all this stuff.” “I don’t know if anyone even remembers it’s here. The only road to it was the one we walked in on, and it’s been closed since the school shut down.” I looked out one of the high windows and could make out two outhouses and an old shed. “I wonder if boys like us went to school here, boys who liked boys.” “I dunno,” said Angel, “but probably. This place was used for decades. There had to be at least some of us here.” “You make us sound like another species.” Angel laughed. “Sometimes I feel like another species.” I put my arms around him and hugged him. We kissed. “You’re so beautiful,” I said when we came up for air. Angel blushed. “So are you.” I felt my own face turn red. “Less talk, more kissing,” said Angel. I giggled and lost myself in Angel’s arms.

C H A P T E R ▼

14

Suspicion and Discovery

Angel and I walked down the sidewalk, our Lit books in hand, towards Ryan’s house. At last I could show off Angel to the one person who knew about our relationship. Ryan mattered to me, and I wanted him to know the boy I loved with all my heart. It felt amazingly wonderful knowing I’d soon be able to share our love with someone. Maybe that’s why people were so big on weddings, because it gave them a chance to share their love with the world. Angel and I couldn’t do that because the world wouldn’t understand, but we could share our love with one person who really mattered. I truly hoped Angel and Ryan would be friends. “This is a surprise—a pleasant surprise,” said Ryan, as I led Angel through the back gate. “So I get to meet the love of your life at last.” Angel seemed a bit shocked that Ryan spoke so openly. Such a thing just was not done in Blackford or anywhere as far as I knew. “Ryan,” I said, “this is my boyfriend, Angel. Angel, this is Ryan.” Ryan shook Angel’s hand and then hugged him. “Any boyfriend of Kurt’s is a friend of mine,” said Ryan. Angel grinned. I hoped it meant he liked Ryan and was already losing some of his suspicions about him. “It’s nice to meet you, Ryan,” said Angel.

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“I don’t know if I can stand being surrounded by so much male beauty all at once,” said Ryan. “I’m sure Kurt has told you how I appreciate it, but don’t worry, I only look. I don’t touch.” Ryan laughed and Angel did, too, but a bit uneasily. “Please, sit down. I’ll get us some iced tea. You like iced tea, don’t you?” he asked. “Certainly,” said Angel. Ryan hurried off, and I turned to Angel. “Well, what do you think?” “I’ve only just met him, but he’s…enthusiastic and um…” “But do you like him?” “Well, I, yes, but I’ve just met him, so I’m not sure…” “You still think he might be up to something?” “Might be,” said Angel. “Give me a few minutes to get to know him.” “Okay. I’m sorry. I’m just so eager for you two to be friends.” “Well, give us a little time, Kurt.” Angel looked around at the walled garden. “It is beautiful here. So you help take care of it?” “Yeah. Mostly I do weeding and watering, but see those purple petunias over there. I planted them.” “They’re beautiful.” “And Ryan’s been teaching me to prune the roses and do a lot of other gardening stuff as well.” “I can see why you like it here.” We sat back and enjoyed the beauty of the flowers, plants, and trees around us. After just a few moments, Angel leaned over and kissed me. We were both startled by a loud click. We snapped our heads around to see Ryan standing there with a Polaroid. “That was a moment that had to be captured on film,” he said. Ryan pulled out the photo and set it aside. “Give it a couple of minutes and it will be developed.” I’d heard of cameras that took instant pictures, but I’d never seen one. No doubt it was expensive. Ryan set the camera down beside the photo and picked up a tray that held a pitcher of tea and three glasses filled with ice. He placed it on the low table before us and poured us each a glass of iced tea. We relaxed in the sun. Ryan retrieved the photo and handed it to us. “Here you go, Kurt. For you.”


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I took the black and white photo from him. There were Angel and I, kissing. I almost couldn’t believe he was so very beautiful, and even I looked kind of cute— the magic of photography. “Thanks, Ryan,” I said. “No problem.” He turned his attention to Angel. “I love your hair.” “Thanks,” said Angel shyly. “I’ve seen a few guys with long hair, but none with it so long, and the others, well, theirs was unkempt at best and nasty at worst.” I knew exactly what Ryan meant. Most guys with long hair seemed not to take care of it at all. It was as if they were trying to make some kind of statement or something by not brushing or even washing their hair. The only message I got from that was, “I’m a slob.” Angel wasn’t like that at all. “So you’re the guy who protected Kurt when he thought I was after him,” said Angel. “Yeah, Kurt is a wonderful boy, and I didn’t want to see him get hurt. You and your friends looked quite intimidating.” “You didn’t seem frightened of us.” “Well, I wouldn’t have enjoyed trying to fight off the three of you, but I’ve learned not to be frightened of possibilities. There are a million horrible things that can happen every day, and I just don’t have time to worry about all of them. There is too much beauty in the world, so much to see and enjoy, and so very little time.” “That’s very true,” said Angel, seemingly impressed. “I learned long ago to enjoy the little things in life. For a long time, I was unhappy, but then I began to seek out little bits of happiness wherever I could find them. This iced tea for instance, isn’t it delicious? It’s immodest of me to say so, I know, but I think a good glass of iced tea is one of the joys of life. A sunny day like this is another, when a gentle breeze brushes the tops of the tulips and daffodils, but then I love rainy days, too. I like to sit on the porch, watch the rain fall on my garden, and listen to the gentle sound of the drops falling on the leaves and the stones of the patio. If you make the effort, you can find little bits of happiness on even the worst day.” “But you have bad days?” asked Angel. “No day is bad, but sometimes what a day has in store for me is unpleasant. When you’re a creature such as I, who must hide his true nature from all the world, life can get unpleasant, especially if you let it.” “But you don’t let it?” asked Angel.


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“No. I can’t hold the evils of the world at bay with mere thought, but I can lessen their influence on my life by focusing on the good rather than the bad. Most of the evil that besets me is the prejudice and ignorance of others’ thoughts. I know men like me are reviled. I know what much of the world thinks of us. I know there are those in this very town who would seek to lynch me for what I am, if they knew. Knowing how others would hate me if they knew the truth can be difficult. I could let it destroy me, but why? We humans are a curious lot. We can’t seem to agree on anything. We each have our own thoughts, prejudices, and beliefs. So what does it really matter if there are those out there who hate us? No matter who or what you are, there are those who will hate you for it. All that really matters is what you think of yourself.” “Do you really think all of us are prejudiced?” asked Angel. “I mean, I think of myself as accepting. I think that because of what I am, I have a greater understanding of the pain of others and am less likely to hate because someone is different.” “You may very well be less prejudiced than others, but I think all of us carry some prejudice in our hearts. Myself for instance, I’m attracted to beauty and repelled by ugliness. I think most of us are. When most of the other prejudices of the world are no more, that will perhaps be the last.” “Perhaps.” We talked more. At the very least, Angel found Ryan interesting. It was easy to see why. I sensed he was not entirely at ease in his presence, but at least they were getting along. We sat and talked and drank iced tea until the pitcher was empty. “Oh!” said Ryan. “Would you boys do me a favor? It won’t take long, but I have a large painting in the garage I want to move inside, and I’m afraid I’ll damage it if I attempt to move it myself.” We jumped up, eager to help. Ryan led us into the garage, past his truck, and into the crowded other half of his two-car garage. We helped Ryan push an old piano out of the way and move several boxes. Ryan flipped up a large piece of canvas, revealing a painting of immense size. It was not the painting the caught my attention, however, it was the car behind it—an old Ford from the early 1940s. My breath caught in my throat, and I looked at Ryan in shock. I quickly smiled to cover my reaction, and neither Ryan nor Angel seemed to notice anything amiss. “What do you think?” asked Ryan, standing back to give us a good view of the painting. For the first time, I took note of the painting. It was of a youth, naked except for a well-placed fig leaf. In his right hand he held a javelin, in his left nothing,


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but his left arm was flexed, revealing well-defined muscles. There was a Greek building of some sort behind and to the side of him. The colors were muted and beautiful, and my eyes were drawn to the youth, who was stunning. “It’s called Spartan Youth before the Games,” said Ryan. “It’s beautiful,” said Angel, “and it looks very old.” “It is old, more than a century. It’s unsigned but I think it’s a masterpiece.” “And you’ve kept it in your garage?” asked Angel. “I know, it was irresponsible of me, but it’s none the worse for it, and now, with your help, it’s going inside.” Angel and I gripped one side of the gilt frame and Ryan the other. It was surprisingly heavy. We carefully maneuvered it out of the garage and through the gate into the garden. From there we carried it into the house and leaned it on the wall in Ryan’s bedroom. “I don’t think it would do to have this in my living room,” said Ryan, “but he’ll look quite nice in my bedroom. I’ll be able to admire him at the beginning and end of each day.” That statement seemed to unsettle Angel a bit. I was uncomfortable myself, but for an entirely different reason. “I think we need to be going,” I said. Angel thanked Ryan for the iced tea, and the two of them exchanged pleasantries. I smiled and hugged Ryan and then headed out the front door, hoping and praying that the thought that had entered my head was wrong. I was quiet as we walked back toward Main Street, and luckily Angel was lost in his own thoughts. What I’d seen in the garage had truly disturbed me, or, rather, the cascade of thoughts that followed did. The old Ford in Ryan’s garage fit the description of the one seen following Matt Taber on the day he disappeared. What’s more, Ryan fit the description of the man in the car. From what I knew of Ryan, he could never hurt anyone, let alone kill him. But what if I didn’t know him as well as I thought? Why was the car so carefully hidden away in the garage? By his own admission, Ryan was a homosexual. That in itself proved nothing. He was attracted to me, that I knew for sure, and there was little doubt he found Angel attractive as well. Both of us were fifteen, the same age as Matt Taber. Matt was a good-looking boy, or at least he had been before being left to rot in the ground. I had little doubt Ryan would have found him attractive, too. What if…but no, Ryan could never do anything like that. He just couldn’t.


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Angel and I ended up sitting in the baseball dugout. The temptation to make out was considerable, but it would’ve been too easy for someone to happen upon us, and we couldn’t risk being found out. “What’s bothering you?” asked Angel. “Ryan,” I said. “Ryan?” “You saw the car in his garage, right, the one hidden under the same canvas that covered the painting?” “Yeah, so?” “It fits the description of the car that was seen following Matt Taber the day he disappeared.” “That doesn’t mean anything.” “Then why did Ryan have it hidden?” “He had no problem letting us see it.” “Maybe he trusts that we won’t say anything about it. Maybe he just wasn’t thinking.” “There’s got to be plenty of cars like that around.” “Well, the police have sure never been able to spot one. There’s something else too: Ryan fits the description of the guy in the car exactly.” “Well, the description was pretty vague.” “You were there, Angel, you and the others. You saw the car, didn’t you? You saw the guy in it.” Angel seemed uncomfortable. “I…I wasn’t really paying attention.” “You’re saying you didn’t see the car or the man in it?” “I’m saying I don’t remember. I don’t pay attention to stuff like that.” “But this is important!” “Sure, it is now, but it wasn’t then. I’m sorry, but I can’t help you. Anyway, you’re the one who was going on about what an awesome guy Ryan was. Do you really think he did something to Matt?” “He couldn’t! But, there’s the car and the fact that it’s hidden, and he fits the description. What if…” “So, are you planning on telling the police?” “No! I just…I…I dunno.” “Listen, Kurt, Ryan’s a little creepy, sort of. I mean, I saw the way he looks at you, and I noticed how he was looking at me. He seems like a nice guy, though. I don’t think he could have murdered Matt or anyone else. He just doesn’t seem


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like that kind of guy, not that I hang out with a lot of murderers.” Angel laughed nervously. I gazed at Angel. There was something he wasn’t telling me. He knew more than he let on. “Do you know who killed Matt Taber?” I asked. “We’re not talking about this,” said Angel. “Do you?” “I really, really don’t think Ryan did it,” said Angel. “That doesn’t answer my question.” “Just drop it, Kurt, okay? I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” “But Angel…” “If this is all you can talk about, I’m leaving.” Angel got up and walked away from the dugout. I ran after him. “Angel, wait! I’m sorry. I’m just scared, that’s all.” “So, how’s that coin collection?” asked Angel. I wanted to press him for answers, but I knew it was useless. He’d only get mad if I kept trying. I didn’t want Angel to be angry with me. I loved him. I let the matter rest and walked home with Angel at my side. ✶

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“Hold the bat up off your shoulder a bit more,” said Angel. I did as I was told. We were in the back yard, and Angel was giving me a few pointers on how to hit. He pitched the ball to me, I stepped into it, swung, and whack! “Outstanding!” said Angel, his voice vibrating as he ran after the ball. “You know, with you helping me out, I just might get good.” “Of course you will. You’re pretty good already, Kurt.” “Hardly, I’m probably the worst hitter on the team. I’d give about anything to be as athletic as you.” “Thanks for the compliment, but you’re not that bad. You just lack form, and I can help you with that. Then, it will only be a matter of practice.” “I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough for varsity.” “That might be a good thing.” “What’d ya mean?” Angel didn’t say anything for a few moments. When he spoke, he did so hesitantly. “Some of the guys on the team, and Adam in particular, well…you know how they can be.”


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“They had something to do with Matt Taber’s murder, didn’t they?” Angel froze for a moment at my sudden accusation. He looked frightened. “Please don’t ask me about that.” “You’re scaring me, Angel.” “I’m scared, too,” he said in almost a whisper. “Let me help you,” I said. Somehow, I knew he needed help. “Let’s not talk about this, okay?” said Angel. “I think we should.” “No, Kurt, please. Listen, I told you before, I didn’t hurt Matt. That’s the truth, I swear.” “But you know who did,” I said. Angel looked off to the side and down to the ground. “We can’t talk about this,” said Angel. “But, Angel…” “No, Kurt! I love you! I won’t let anyone hurt you, and I won’t put you in danger. Don’t ask me again, because I won’t tell you.” “Boyfriends aren’t supposed to keep secrets from each other,” I said. “I know that, Babe, and I don’t want to keep secrets from you, but this time, I’ve got to. It’s for your own protection.” “Angel…” “No, Kurt! I’m not saying anything more about it.” “But…” “No!” “Tell me one thing at least. Was Ryan involved? Does he have anything to do with Matt’s disappearance or murder?” “No,” said Angel. “Now don’t ask me anything else. I won’t answer!” I looked down at the ground, hurt by the harshness in Angel’s voice. “I love you,” said Angel quietly. I looked up. He was gazing at me with a concerned look on his face. “I love you, too,” I said and smiled. I was worried about Angel. He’d gotten involved with something very, very bad somehow. I trusted him when he told me he hadn’t hurt Matt, but I was just as sure he knew who had. He knew Ryan wasn’t involved and that was a relief, but if he knew who wasn’t involved, he had to know who was. “I think you should tell the sheriff what you know,” I said, daring to venture one last time into the forbidden. Angel shook his head slowly, his eyes wide with fear. “I can’t,” he croaked. He looked like he was about to cry. I wanted to take him in my arms and hold him,


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but someone could’ve seen from the house. I hated not being able to comfort my boyfriend, because people wouldn’t understand. “Let’s just practice some more, okay?” asked Angel. “Everything will turn out just fine, Kurt. Don’t you worry.” Angel smiled, but it was forced. I didn’t know if I believed him when he said everything would be okay. I obviously wasn’t going to find out more, however. I’d pressed him as far as I dared. “Okay, teach me how to hit one of those eighty-mile-per-hour balls that Tanner likes to pitch.” “Tanner, huh?” said Angel. I’d told him of my encounter with the twins. He found it more amusing than anything else. We practiced until the evening shadows became long. I didn’t bring up Matt again, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to get the fear I felt for Angel out of my head. Angel gazed at me with his bright eyes, and mine locked upon his. He grinned slyly, and I could read his mind. “Let’s go to the tree house,” I said. I felt a sense of delicious anticipation as I followed Angel up the ladder. We pulled ourselves up and closed the trap door. We grinned at each other and kissed. I’d been dying for the feel of Angel’s arms around me for hours. I was glad we’d come to the tree house. I don’t think I could have gone without a hug for another moment more. We kissed and undressed each other. I marveled again at the smoothness of Angel’s skin. His body was so hard and muscular and yet his skin was silky and smooth. We stood there for the longest time, just running our fingers over each others’ torsos, touching each other everywhere, halting only to kiss and hold each other close once more. I slid down Angel’s body until I was kneeling in front of him on the foam-rubber mattress. I took him in without hesitation. Angel was right, love made all the difference in the world. Now that I’d had sex with love, which made it love-making instead of sex, I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to have it without love. I guess that didn’t matter because I intended to be with Angel forever. I became lost in the act of giving Angel pleasure. I guess it was better to give than receive. My head was spinning with the ecstasy of it all, and I’m not just talking about the love-making, although that was enough to send me into orbit all by itself. That’s when it happened. That’s when I plummeted from the heights of pleasure into the depths of torment. That’s when the trap door opened, and Sam poked his head into the tree house, changing my life forever.


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“What the fuck?” he shouted. I’d never heard my brother use the F-word before, but I was so mortified I barely noticed. He’d caught us together. He’d caught us, two boys, having sex. He’d caught me…on my knees…. My brother had discovered my deepest, darkest secret. Sam climbed into the tree house and let the trap door fall shut. In my haste to be with Angel, I must not have locked it. It was a mistake that had just cost me everything. Angel and I scurried to cover our nakedness. I was trembling. “You,” said Sam, pointing at Angel. “Stay away from my little brother! Get out!” I thought Sam was going to pounce on Angel for a moment. I’d never seen him so angry. Perhaps Angel’s bad-boy image held him back. Maybe Sam knew Angel would win if it came down to a fist fight. Angel glanced at me as if to ask if he should go, and I nodded. He dressed quickly and left without saying a word. I think he was too shocked and afraid to know what to say. My mind was spinning. What was I going to do? As soon as Angel was gone, Sam turned on me. “I…I can’t believe this! Just what did you think you were doing? Is this why Angel’s suddenly your friend, because you…you…because he’s having sex with you?” “No! We’re friends…we’re…” “He’s taking advantage of you. I don’t know how he threatened or talked you into this, but he’s using you. I can’t even begin to tell you how disgusted I am. What you were doing is perverted and unnatural. I can’t believe you’d…you’d…. I can’t even say it! It’s…it’s disgusting. It’s depraved is what it is.” “Since when did you learn the word depraved?” “Shut up! Angel has been blackmailing you, hasn’t he? He’s been making you do this, and if you don’t, he’ll beat you up, right?” “No! Angel hasn’t made me do anything!” “You mean to tell me you wanted this? I can’t believe that. No!” Sam shook his head in total disbelief. “Yes. I wanted it.” I was amazed at my own courage. I trembled in fear, but still I stood up for myself, for us. Sam shook his head some more. “No. My little brother is not a homosexual. You are not one of those!” “But I am.” “He’s corrupted you. I don’t know how, but he’s done this to you. I want you to stay away from him.” “I won’t!”


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“Oh, yes, you will. If you don’t stay away from Angel, I’ll tell Mom and Dad. Do you want that? They’ll send you away to a mental hospital or something. You’re sick.” A sob forced its way up my throat, and tears spilled from my eyes. I was scared and humiliated, and the very thought of being without Angel devastated me. I bawled my eyes out. “You don’t understand. You don’t understand anything!” I said through the tears. “I love Angel, and he loves me!” “He’s done this to you. He’s twisted you somehow, brainwashed you.” “He hasn’t done anything!” “I…I can’t deal with this right now,” said Sam. “We’re going to talk about this later. You bet we will. Until then, you stay away from Angel. If I see you near him, I’ll tell. I swear I will. I won’t let him use you like this. I won’t let him turn you into a homo. I’ll kill him if I have to.” Sam opened the trap door and climbed down. Never in my life had I seen him so upset. I heard him muttering, “I can’t believe this,” over and over again as he went down the ladder. I couldn’t believe it, either. My brother had caught us together; worse than that, he’d caught us doing it. What if he made good on his promise? What if he told Mom and Dad? I couldn’t bear them knowing. The only thing I couldn’t bear more was the thought of not being able to see Angel. I lay down and cried. My life was over—broken beyond repair.

C H A P T E R ▼

15

Fear and Understanding

We were back to square one, Angel and me, that is, or very close to it. Our brilliant tutor ploy allowed us to be seen together, but now we had to hide from my brother. His threat rang in my ears the next morning as I awakened. I looked over at Sam’s sleeping form. He was sprawled out on his bed, the sheets twisted around his body. I was scared of him at the moment, but I couldn’t find it in my heart to be angry with him. He was looking out for me in his own misguided way. He really did believe Angel was taking advantage of me. If only I could make Sam understand. I stumbled to the bathroom and adjusted the water for my morning shower. When I got it just right, I slipped off my boxers and stepped into the relaxing warmth. As I lathered my body with soap, I wondered how Angel was dealing with the events of the night before. I’d seen the terror in his eyes, and I’d seen his hesitation to leave. I loved him all the more for his unwillingness to abandon me. I needed to get to Angel as soon as possible. I needed to tell him that all was not well, but all was not lost either. I met Ida in the hall as I was walking back to my room, a towel wrapped around my waist. How would she react if she knew what our brother knew? I wanted to run to her, wrap my arms around her, and cry on her shoulder, but I

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didn’t know how even my kind sister would react if she found out I was “one of those.” I dressed quickly, ran downstairs, had a quick breakfast of Frosted Flakes and toast, and then was out the door. As I ran to Tommy’s house, I wondered if Angel would even show up at school. For all he knew, Sam was going to tell everyone what he saw. I wouldn’t blame Angel one bit for not wanting to face that. I don’t know if I would’ve had the guts to go to school if I thought our secret had been unleashed. The consequences would be so horrible they were nearly unthinkable. Tommy wasn’t waiting outside as usual, but then I was fifteen minutes early, or more. I knocked on his door and his mom answered. Tommy was still eating breakfast. I asked her to tell him I needed to get to school early, so I wouldn’t be able to meet him this morning. She said it was thoughtful of me to let him know and said she’d deliver my message. I’d been keeping an eye on the street just in case Angel passed, but there was no sign of him. I walked back out to the oak-lined street and then on toward the school. It was early, so I figured Angel probably wasn’t there yet, but I had no where else to go on this dewy spring morning. I saw him before I even got close. He was sitting on the front steps. He stood when he noticed me, dusting off the seat of his jeans. He looked around nervously. We were alone. “Sam’s not going to tell anyone,” I said to set Angel’s mind at ease. He let out a long breath of relief. “Thank God. I was afraid to even come today, but I was worried about you.” “Listen,” I said, “let’s go around back and talk. Sam can’t see us together.” Angel followed me around the school, and then we walked side by side to the baseball field. I smiled when I saw Angel had his Lit book out. We sat down together in the dugout. “So how are things with your brother?” “He thinks you’re blackmailing me or have brainwashed me or something. I told him how much I love you and how you love me, but it’s like he can’t understand.” “That’s not a big surprise. The whole world goes on and on about love. Poets spend their lives writing about it. Everyone thinks it’s the most wonderful thing. But, when you mention it’s two guys in love, they forget all that and freak out.” “Sam said if he sees us together, he’ll tell Mom and Dad.” “Shit,” said Angel.


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“Yeah. If he tells them, I don’t know what will happen. I’m pretty sure they won’t tell anybody. They’ll want to keep it all hush hush, but I’m afraid of what they’ll do to me.” “You don’t think your dad will beat you or something, do you?” “No.” “I think mine would kill me.” I looked at Angel, a chill going up my spine. When he said he thought his dad might kill him, he meant it. It wasn’t an exaggeration that meant his dad would freak out and ground him for weeks; it meant he really thought his dad would shoot him or beat him to death or something. His dad seemed so nice, but still… “I’m afraid they’ll send me away to a mental hospital or something,” I said. “I don’t think they’d do that. Your parents are way too nice and too smart for that.” Just hearing Angel say that made me feel better. “Maybe.” “You think you can bring Sam around?” asked Angel. “I don’t know. I’m going to try. He’s not being nasty to me or anything. I know he’s just looking out for me, but he doesn’t understand.” “It’s cool that he cares about you that much. I guess things aren’t nearly as bad as they could be. I don’t know what I would’ve done if your brother started telling everyone.” “Me, either.” “I guess things are kind of switched around now, aren’t they? At first, we had to hide from everyone but your family, now we only have to hide from them.” “Yeah, this is easier in a way, but if Sam spots us together…” “I know. We’ll just have to be extra careful. He works, right?” I nodded. “We can be together while he’s at work. We’ll just have to make sure the coast is clear.” “Yeah.” “We’d probably better lie especially low for a few days, though, just in case.” “Yeah, good idea.” We talked until the warning bell sounded. No one was around, so we stood, hugged each other, and kissed. I wanted to remain in Angel’s arms forever, but anything more than a few moments was filled with risk. “You go first. I’ll come along in just a bit,” said Angel. I kissed him again and then turned away. I smiled as I walked toward the old brick school building because Angel had had to adjust his jeans after we kissed.


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The day was oddly normal, all things considered. I was anxious about my brother, and I had a queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, but other than that it could’ve been any other day. Kids went to and from their classes, slamming lockers, talking and laughing. The teachers on duty watched the halls as they chatted to each other, probably wishing they were home drinking coffee on the porch instead of being stuck inside with all us kids. I wondered what it would be like to be an adult sometimes, but I couldn’t fathom it. It was like they were a different species. The odd paper wad smacked me in the head now and then as I strolled from class to class. I likely wasn’t especially chosen as a target; anyone was fair game. I wondered what would happen if my classmates discovered the truth about Angel and me. Would they throw rocks instead? I didn’t see Angel much at school. We had no classes together and didn’t eat lunch together. He was my boyfriend, but for all our classmates knew, we were just the jock and his tutor. It had to stay that way, too. If anyone found out what was really going on between us, it would spell complete disaster. I spent a tremendous amount of time thinking up ways to convince Sam that Angel wasn’t taking advantage of me. Angel’s reputation made that doubly hard. He’d been credited with everything from theft to drugs to assault to knocking up Rebecca Foerster. I knew Angel wasn’t like that. He’d been in fights, sure, but that was nothing. If Sam knew Angel the way I did, he’d know he was nothing like his reputation. He was kind and sweet and thoughtful. Practice went amazingly well. Angel had helped me out with batting and had taught me even more about catching, sliding, and a whole lot more. It was a bit overwhelming to put it all into practice, but I was improving steadily. My teammates, who’d gone out of their way to be supportive before, now congratulated me whenever I did something right. That’s something I loved about my team. We always supported each other. If someone was less than athletically talented (that would be me), they were supportive, and if someone made a great hit, catch, or whatever (which was becoming me), we all treated him like a hero. I appreciated the kindness of my teammates when things weren’t going so well, but being treated like a hero now and then was a lot more fun. My improving status on the team gave rise to a nervous knot in my stomach. I liked the other guys patting me on the back and cheering me on. I didn’t want to lose that. I very much feared all that would come to a screeching halt if they


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found out I was attracted to boys. My teammates took care of their own when it came to someone who wasn’t doing so well with baseball, but I seriously doubted that would extend to my situation. I almost couldn’t comprehend why so many people got all freaked out at the idea of two guys in love. Then again, I’d been greatly upset about it before Angel showed me the light of day. I’d thought of it as an evil, a perversion. I never stopped to think that it might be okay or more than okay. At the end of practice, Tyler Nudo pulled me out beyond third base for a private conversation. I could tell by the look in his eyes he was frightened. Since the incident in their bedroom, Tyler and his brother seemed unable to look me in the eyes. When our eyes did meet, I saw fear and anxiety. “Listen, Kurt, about what happened…we made a mistake. We, Tanner and me, well, we thought you might…well, we were obviously wrong and we’re both really, really sorry. We appreciate you not saying anything to anyone, and we just want to make sure you’ll keep quiet. If the guys find out…” “Tyler, I already told you that your secret is safe with me. Relax. I won’t tell the guys.” I didn’t mention that I’d told Angel. I think Tyler would’ve probably dropped dead right then and there if I had. He would have been sure he and his brother were dead meat. How they would’ve been blown away by the truth! “You’re a really nice guy, Kurt. You could blackmail us, you know.” “I know,” I said, “but I won’t. You’re my teammates and my friends. What you guys do is your own business.” I wished I could tell him I understood, but I was afraid. It wasn’t just my secret anymore, either; Angel and I were in it together. I wouldn’t endanger him for the world. “Thank you so much, Kurt.” “There’s nothing to thank me for. Now relax. I’ll take your secret to my grave.” Tyler smiled: “That’s a huge relief.” Sam was gone when I got home: no surprise there. I did my homework and then twiddled my thumbs. It was the first evening in days I hadn’t spent with Angel. We agreed it was best, though. We had at least to pretend we were staying away from each other. Sam finally came home from work about 9:30. I was going to approach him about Angel as soon as he walked in our bedroom, but he beat me to it. “Come on, we’ve got to talk,” said Sam, taking me by the wrist.


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He led me outside and up into the tree house. He lit the oil lamp, sat down on the foam mattress, and patted the spot beside him. “Sit.” I did as I was told, suddenly feeling much younger than my fifteen years. “Sam, I…” “Shush. I’ve had some time to calm down, but I’m extremely upset about last night. I’m shocked. I never believed you’d do something like that. It’s just…unbelievable.” It was hard to look at Sam. I knew I hadn’t done wrong, but still I was embarrassed. Lovemaking is a very private thing, and he’d walked in right in the middle of it. “I’m trying not to be mad. I’m trying to understand, but I just can’t. How could you do that? How could…” Sam paused, obviously trying to get himself under control. “I know it’s got to be him. You wouldn’t do something like this on your own. What’s he holding over your head, Kurt? Has he threatened to hurt you if you don’t do what he wants? Is that it?” “It’s nothing like that,” I said. “Angel has never threatened me. He’s never hurt me.” “What about the time he beat you up in the locker room?” “He didn’t. That was a fake. Adam punched me in the face, and he and some of his gang were going to hurt me, but Angel walked in and said I was his. When everyone left, he let me go. He didn’t touch me. He just said to tell everyone he beat me up, so Adam and the others wouldn’t get suspicious.” “You don’t have to lie for him. You know I won’t tell Angel anything you say, Kurt.” “I’m not lying! It’s the truth. Angel could’ve hurt me bad, but he didn’t. He didn’t lay a finger on me. We talked, and we became friends and then more than friends.” “Kurt,” said Sam, shaking his head. “I know you don’t want to believe it, but I’m a homosexual. I can’t help it. It’s what I am. It’s how I was born! I love Angel. He’s good to me. He’s my friend and he’s more than a friend. I love him and he loves me.” Sam’s eyes filled with tears. It’s something I hadn’t seen in I-don’t-know-how-long. “He’s really messed you up, hasn’t he?” “No,” I said. “He hasn’t. He’s the most important thing in my life.” “We need to get you some help,” said Sam. “You’re not listening to me!” “Yes, I am.”


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“Can’t you understand? Can’t you understand that I love him? He’s not like you think! The Angel you see at school—that’s not the real Angel. Ask Mom what he’s like! She’s seen the real Angel. He’s kind and loving and considerate. He’s good to me, Sam. I know you don’t want to believe that I am what I am, but it’s the truth. I like boys, Sam, and I can’t change it. I don’t know if I’d change if I could. Angel is the most wonderful thing in my life! I was so lonely before I met him. I thought I was some kind of monster, some kind of freak, but he showed me I wasn’t! I know you think he’s bad, but he’s not! That’s just a cover. He has to hide, like I do. He can’t let anyone know what he’s really like, but I know, Sam. I know! I know how things had to look to you last night, but that wasn’t just sex. We were making love. Angel didn’t make me do it any more than I made him do it for me. I love him. I’m in love with him! I know you’re just trying to protect me. I know it’s hard for you to understand, but I can’t live my life without Angel! I won’t! Please don’t take him away from me, Sam, please. I’m begging you!” I totally lost it and bawled my eyes out. Sam did something he’d never done before. He took me in his arms and held me. It was different from when Angel held me, but I felt loved. I cried into his shoulder, repeating, “I love him,” over and over. When I quieted down I pulled away from Sam and looked into his eyes. “Please don’t take him away from me, Sam,” I whispered. “He’s all I’ve got.” Sam had tears in his eyes. He was hurting because I was hurting. He really did care. Sam nodded. I couldn’t believe it, but he nodded. I smiled through my tears and hugged him again. “I love you, Sam.” “I love you, too, Squirt. Now let’s go back inside.” I knew Sam didn’t really understand, but he was trying. It would likely take him a very long time to truly accept what I was and my relationship with Angel, but at least he understood that I really did love Angel. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I couldn’t have convinced him. I called Angel as soon as I went inside. I told him everything was cool with Sam. I could plainly hear his sigh of relief. We made plans for after school the next day. Everything was back to normal and even better than normal. I’d wondered what Sam would do if he found out about me, and now I knew. He still loved me; he accepted me. It made me feel pretty good about myself.


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The next evening I heard a knock at the front door. I knew it was Angel. We couldn’t make our usual rendezvous, because the varsity team had some kind of meeting after practice. I hurried out of the room, but Sam was already opening the front door. I paused at the top of the stairs, too curious about what he’d say to Angel to make my presence known. Sam didn’t waste any time getting right into it. “Kurt says he loves you,” said Sam. Angel nodded. “I love him, too.” “I don’t…that is to say…I’m not sure I understand, but Kurt says you’re good to him, and you make him happy.” “I try.” “If you hurt him, I’ll kill you,” said Sam. I was a bit shocked to hear my brother’s words, because it was quite obvious he meant what he said. “I’d kill myself before I’d hurt him,” said Angel. I grinned. “Kurt’s upstairs,” said Sam. Angel extended his hand. “Thanks,” he said. My brother shook his hand. I charged down the stairs, then, hoping neither of them realized I’d been doing a bit of eavesdropping. I hugged Angel, but stopped short of kissing him in front of my big brother. “This is going to take some getting used to,” said Sam, but he smiled. I gave Sam a hug, too, and then he left for the kitchen. “So what’s the plan,” I asked Angel. “For this evening, how about a quiet walk and then dinner at the Black Heifer? And then since tomorrow is Saturday and it’s finally open again, how about a day at Mystic Gardens?” “Mystic Gardens? I’d love that! Well, dinner at the Black Heifer sounds good, too, but I haven’t been to Mystic Gardens in ages!” Mystic Gardens was an amusement park located not far out of town. It was an easy bike ride and not a long walk. Mom and Dad took us there a couple of times or so a year, but exploring it with Angel would be a whole new experience.


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Angel and I walked out the front door and across the lawn. We joined hands as we reached the road and even dared a quick kiss when we knew we were out of sight. “I’m glad your brother came around,” said Angel. “He’s being exceptionally understanding about it,” I said. “I’ve never been so scared as I was when he found us, but it’s worked out to be a good thing. I’ve wondered what my family would think if they knew the truth about me, and now at least I know Sam still loves me. I know it’s hard for him to accept, very hard, but he’s trying.” “He cares about you a lot,” said Angel. “He threatened to kill me if I hurt you.” “I hope he didn’t upset you.” “No way. I’m glad he’s protective of you. I don’t want anything bad to ever happen to you.” “Well, I don’t want anything bad happening to you, either.” Angel squeezed my hand. We walked past B.H.S. and then down Main Street to the Black Heifer. I’d always thought the name was funny. There was even a sign hanging outside with a big, black and white cow painted on it. On one of the large glass windows was another black cow with “The Black Heifer” written above and “Air Conditioned” written below. We stepped inside, the bell clanging behind us. Along two walls and in front of the windows were red leather booths with chrome and gray Formica tables. At the rear was a counter with stools and the cash register. Behind that was the actual kitchen. In the middle were several small tables with red-checked tablecloths and red-leather chairs with chrome legs. On the walls were numerous photos and prints of cows with the odd chicken or barn scene thrown in. Above, in the rafters of the high ceiling were old egg baskets, farm tools, tractor seats, and even a bale of hay with a fake but realistic chicken perched on top. The Black Heifer served everything from a good country breakfast, to hamburgers and fries, to excellent steak. Best of all, one could order any of it at any time of day. Edna, the owner, cooked most of it herself, as well as the selection of never fewer than six different varieties of home-made pies that were the talk of the town. Angel pulled menus from the cow-shaped holder behind the condiment rack and handed me one. “I don’t know about you, but I’m starving!” he said. “I’m buying, so get whatever you want.”


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“You don’t have to do that.” “I know but I want to, so I am.” I looked down the menu. The problem with the Black Heifer is that everything was good. It was always hard to decide. I momentarily froze when our waitress approached with two glasses of ice water. I’d forgotten that Emma Schroeder worked at the Heifer. My sister babysat for her kids, Blake and Rose, and I mowed their lawn. I willed myself to relax. Angel and I were having dinner, not making out. “Well, hello there, Kurt.” “Hi, Mrs. Schroeder.” “Are you boys ready to order, or do you need more time?” “I’m ready,” said Angel. “Um, I will be by the time you’re done.” “I’ll have the Hungry Heifer and an iced tea,” announced Angel. My eyes grew large. I quickly scanned the menu, still not sure what to order. “Um, blueberry pancakes with bacon and iced tea,” I said at last, deciding to order from the breakfast menu, since Angel had. Emma departed with our orders. “You must be hungry!” I said. “I told you I was starving.” “Yeah, but the Hungry Heifer has pancakes, scrambled eggs, biscuits and gravy, hash browns, sausage links, and bacon!” “I’ll bet ya a blow job I can eat it all,” whispered Angel across the table. His words were poorly timed, as I was just then taking a sip of water. I nearly choked on it and then laughed. “I can’t believe you said that.” “So is it a bet?” “Who’s giving the blow job if you win?” “You are, but who cares?” said Angel, laughing. Luckily, no one was in earshot. Of course, Angel never would’ve said that if anyone was. I loved sitting there with Angel. I could have sat there with him all evening enjoying his company. Just listening to the sound of his voice filled me with contentment. He seemed a little on edge at times, but mostly he laughed and grinned as we waited on our food. This was what having a boyfriend was all about.


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Our order arrived in a short time, and Angel’s took up most of the table. My blueberry pancakes and bacon came on a large platter, but his Hungry Heifer came on a platter and several plates! We didn’t talk much as we ate, as we were far too focused on our food. The Black Heifer had some of the best food around. It was virtually impossible to order something that wasn’t good. Angel ate a lot faster than I did, but he had so much more food to go through that I finished first. I wondered if he ate that much all the time. I didn’t think it was possible. Angel didn’t have any fat on him, and someone who ate like that at every meal would have to be as big as a house. Of course, maybe it was his metabolism. I had an aunt who was very heavy, even though she ate less than most people. Her metabolism was unusually slow. Angel’s must’ve been unusually high. Either that or he hadn’t eaten all day. An amazingly large portion of Angel’s dinner, or perhaps I should call it supper, disappeared before he began to slow down. Finally, he pushed away his plates, with a good bit of biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs, and a sausage link left unfinished. “It looks like I win,” I said, wiggling my eyebrows. Angel picked up his sausage link and sucked it partially into his mouth, gazing at me seductively. I burst out laughing. “You ready?” he asked. “You mean you’re gonna do it right here?” I asked, feigning stupidity. “Not that! I mean are you ready to go?” I giggled. “Yeah.” Angel left a tip and then went up to the counter to pay. He was back moments later, and we walked out the door together. “Thanks,” I said. “No problem.” Our joking around at the table had excited me, and I wanted to be alone with Angel as soon as possible. It was all I could do to keep my hands off him as we walked down the street. “Let’s go to the tree house,” I said. “And why would you want to go there?” asked Angel mischievously. “I believe you lost the bet. I intend to collect.” “Mmmmm,” said Angel. “Let’s walk faster.” “Sure you don’t want to go to the loft instead?” “I can’t wait that long,” I said.


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Angel laughed. “You’re a wild boy, Kurt.” “And you love it.” “Oh yeah, baby!” We walked quickly along, talking and laughing and just enjoying each other’s company. I was having a grand time and not just because of what I knew we’d soon be doing. Making love with Angel was heavenly, but what I loved most about our relationship was just being with him. Once in the tree house, with the door securely locked this time, we stripped each other naked and got down to the business of making out. Kissing Angel was the sexiest thing ever! Of course, feeling his naked body against mine was pretty powerful stuff, too. Angel was magnificent! Angel didn’t welsh on his bet, and I was such I good sport I returned the favor. Selfless, aren’t I? We made slow, unhurried love for over an hour and then lay side by side, naked on the foam-rubber mattress. “This is just so incredible,” I said. “What is?” asked Angel. “Us. I never thought I’d be this happy.” “So I’m good in bed, huh?” “You’re beyond good, you’re awesome, but there’s more to it than that.” “I know. I think about you all the time, Kurt, and not just about making love with you. I think about just being with you. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love the sex, but I love walking with you and talking with you just as much. Eating dinner together was wonderful!” “Yes, it was, wasn’t it?” “Um hum, and just wait until tomorrow. It’s gonna be a blast!” “What if someone sees us together?” “What if they do? I’m not going to worry about it. If anyone asks I’ll say we got tired of studying, I wanted to go to the amusement park, and since you were right there with me, I asked you.” I lay my head on Angel’s chest, feeling his soft skin against my cheek, listening to his heartbeat. “I love you,” I said. “And I love you,” said Angel, kissing my forehead. Those were the best words anyone ever said.

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Mystic Gardens

I awakened the next morning to what was potentially going to be the best day ever. I just lay there with my hands behind my head grinning at the ceiling. Sam stirred, looked over at me, and groaned. “Why are you so happy this early in the morning?” “I’m spending the entire day with Angel!” I announced. “You’re disgustingly cheerful when you’re in love,” said Sam. “Like you don’t get a big, goofy smile over Betty.” “That’s lust, not love. She’s gives the best head…” “I bet I know who gives it better,” I said, feeling unusually bold and feisty. “Don’t go there,” warned Sam. “You’re just jealous because my boyfriend is hotter than your girlfriend.” “In your dreams,” groaned Sam, lazily. “In my reality!” I said. I got up and pounced on Sam in his bed, attempting to pin his arms over his head. “Admit it, Angel is prettier than Betty!” “Never! Now get off me, Squirt.” I wrestled with him, but he was stronger than I was, and I had little chance of success. It wasn’t long before Sam had me on my back with my arms pinned. I giggled. “Now, how about you saying that Betty is hotter than Angel!” - 181 -

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“I’ll die first!” “Say it!” There was no way I was going to say it. There was also no way I was going to escape, but I knew a way to get Sam off me. “Is that a rabbit in your boxers, or are you just happy to see me?” I asked. Sam jumped off me, turning slightly red. He was hard and so was I, but it was just the usual morning hardness experienced by all guys. “That’s not cool. We are not the Nudo twins,” said Sam. I giggled. “Come on, Sam, try it, you might like it.” I walked toward him. He backed away. “That is not funny!” “Yes, it is!” I said and laughed. I went back to my bed and sat down, feeling I’d tormented my brother enough for the morning. I think he was actually a bit afraid of me. I thought of setting his mind completely at ease by telling him I was just goofing around, but I possessed so few advantages over him I didn’t want to give this one up. “Hey, can I have the shower first? Angel will be here a bit later.” “Go on. I’m going back to sleep, and if you disturb me when you come back in, I’ll pound ya.” “I’ll be quiet bro. Later.” “Later, Squirt, now go away!” Sam buried his head in his pillow, and I padded down the hallway toward the bathroom. An hour later I’d dressed, had my breakfast, and was sitting in the living room waiting on Angel when he knocked on the door. I opened it to find him looking extremely handsome in a white tank top and bright-blue shorts. His tank top beautifully displayed his muscles, and I suddenly wished we were going to spend the day alone together in the tree house instead of going to an amusement park. That feeling passed quickly enough, however, for any time with Angel was golden. We gave each other a quick hug in what was likely to be our only moment of privacy during the entire day. When we parted, I turned toward the kitchen and yelled, “Mom, Angel’s here!” “Just a moment,” she said, coming out of the kitchen, digging through her purse for her keys. She’d found them by the time she reached us. “Thank you for driving us, Mrs. James,” said Angel. “You’re very welcome, Angel.”

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We all climbed into the maroon and cream Nash and headed for the park. “You know, your father used to take me to Mystic Gardens when we were dating. It can be such a romantic place, with all the flowers and intimate little benches.” I just stared at Mom from the back seat for a moment, shocked, but then I recovered. It was almost like she knew Angel and I were a couple, but it was impossible. I sincerely doubted she’d be so cheerful if she knew Angel was my boyfriend, no matter how much she seemed to like him. It was kind of nice to sit there and pretend she did know, and that all was well. It was only a fantasy, but I allowed myself to luxuriate in it for a few moments. If only things could really be so. If only Angel and I didn’t have to hide the love between us. I was suddenly sorry for tormenting Sam earlier in the morning. He knew about us, and once I’d made him understand, he’d been accepting and kind. I never thought he’d be so understanding. After all, as far as most people were concerned, being a homo was way worse than being a murderer. We drove through a concrete ivy-covered arch and into the parking lot of Mystic Gardens. Mom dropped us off right near the ticket booth. We each paid for our own ticket. It was kind of expensive to get in, $3.50, but then again we could stay for hours, and there were all kinds of things to do in there. Unlike the county fair, once we got in all the rides were free. Angel grinned at me as we entered. He’d grinned at me a hundred times or more, but every time it still took my breath away. “What do you want to do first?” asked Angel. “Tilt-a-Whirl,” I said, pointing. “Yes!” said Angel, as if he was eight instead of fifteen. I loved to see him so excited. The park had barely opened, and there wasn’t a much of a line. Soon we were seated in a red…car, I guess one would call it, with a half-dome overhead. When we leaned back, it was like we had our own little private space, not private enough to kiss, but still our own little space. It was comfy and cozy in any case, kind of like an intimate booth in a restaurant. I thought of dinner the evening before with Angel at the Black Heifer. Angel took my hand for a moment and squeezed it, and then the ride began. At first we just kind of gently rolled from side to side and up and down, but then our car hurtled to the left with enough centrifugal force to shove our heads back against the padding. Just when we began to slow, our car crested another rise and began to spin hard on its track once again. I felt my insides move around, and I became giddy, laughing and screaming with delight. Angel was laughing beside

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me, yelling something about the return of his breakfast if the ride didn’t stop soon. We spun around and around, the park going by in a blur. We were still laughing when the ride calmed and then came to a halt. “Perhaps they should rename that the Tilt-a-Hurl,” said Angel, holding his stomach, but still grinning. “So you want to ride it again?” “Yes, but later. Twice in a row might have unfortunate consequences.” “Bumper cars?” “Yes!” said Angel. We joined the zigzag line for the bumper cars. The scent of hot rubber and electric sparks was in the air. We watched as kids and older people rammed their cars into one another with as much force as they could muster. It was all-out war with everyone against everyone. I was itching to get into a car and get to it. I looked at Angel leaning on the railing beside me, his hair shining golden in the sunlight. “Angel,” said a girl’s voice. We both turned to see Angela Yates very close behind us. Angel’s face suddenly became very serious. “Hi, Angela.” “It’s too bad I didn’t know you were coming here today. We could have come together.” Jealousy welled up within me. Angela wanted my boyfriend. There was no doubt about it. I had to play it cool, however. To the rest of the world we were just the jock and his tutor. “Well, yeah, I didn’t know I was coming today, either. It was a last minute decision. Kurt’s been helping me with Lit. We got sick and tired of studying, and his mom offered to drive us, so here we are.” “Kurt,” said Angela, as if my name left a slightly bad taste in her mouth. She turned her gaze upon me. I had the distinct impression she would have made me disappear if it was within her power. “Hi, Angel. Hi, Kurt,” said Alicia Tullyfield. I hadn’t even noticed her standing by Angela. “Oh, yeah,” said Angela, “you know Alicia, don’t you, Angel?” Alicia shot Angela a look that made me smile. Apparently she didn’t care for the way Angela forgot all about her the moment see set eyes on Angel. “Hey, Alicia,” said Angel, smiling again at last.

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“Hey,” I said, trying to be friendly, but not too friendly. I think Alicia had a bit of a crush on me. At least she was always looking at me in the hallways at school. We descended into idle, boring chitchat. Alicia drifted toward me while Angela eyed Angel like a vulture. I very much feared one of the girls would suggest turning our day into some kind of double date, and I had no desire to share Angel. I also didn’t want to spend any more time than was necessary with Alicia. If I was too friendly, she might get ideas. Even so, Alicia was infinitely better than Angela. I simply didn’t like that girl. Something about her rubbed me the wrong way. The ride stopped. We were near the front of the line, so Angel gave the girls a quick, “See ya later,” and we rushed to our cars as soon as the chain went down. Angela looked a bit put out, sensing she’d been dismissed, but, after all, we weren’t there to spend the day with her, and she did have Alicia. I picked out a teal car while Angel went straight for one in red. The girls took cars near us, but we tried to pretend they weren’t there, without being rude. We pumped the pedals expectantly as we impatiently waited for the power to kick on. In a few moments we were all moving forward bumping and slamming into anyone and everyone within reach, like Sunday drivers gone mad. I nailed Angel’s car in the side, sending his ponytail swinging. I backed off and drove away before he had a chance for revenge. I spotted a small boy intent on slamming into one of his friends, and plowed into him, foiling his attempt. He grinned at me and went on his way. Moments later my own car was rammed with such force I thought my neck might snap. Once sufficiently recovered I looked to see who had so expertly slammed into me. It was Angel. I was bumped and jolted so many times during the short ride that I thought my teeth might come loose. The bumper cars could pack quite a punch if one got a good enough run at one’s target. The problem was that others bumped into me so often I could rarely build up enough speed to deliver a significant jolt. It was a blast, however, and especially so because Angel was with me. Alicia picked me out as her special target, and Angela went after Angel. I spared Alicia a grin as she plowed into me. She was a nice girl, after all, and I didn’t want to treat her badly. I just didn’t want to encourage her, either. I cut Angela off once as she was going for Angel, and her expression reminded me of the grim reaper. What was up with that girl? When the ride ended, Angel and I made a beeline for the exit. Angel shot the girls another, “See ya later!” indicating we had no intention of hanging out with them. Angela put her hands on her hips, not looking happy at all.

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We lost ourselves in the crowd as quickly as possible and rushed forward until we were halfway across the park. “See them anywhere?” asked Angel. “No,” I said, looking around. “Safe at last!” said Angel. “Angela Yates! Of all people! She’s been trying to get her hooks in me all year!” “I don’t like her very much,” I said, feeling a bit guilty for saying so. “Well, pardon my French, but she’s a bitch,” said Angel. I laughed. “I wonder why Alicia is hanging out with her? She’s a nice girl.” “Angela probably sucked her in. She latches onto people and won’t let them get away. I’m hoping that if I dodge her long enough, she’ll pick out weaker prey.” “You make her sound like a vulture,” I said. “That’s kind of how I thought of her when she was devouring you with her eyes in the line.” “She’s a lot like a vulture, but I’m not dead yet, so she isn’t getting me.” “Besides,” I said quietly, “you’re already taken.” “I most certainly am.” Angel grinned. We spent a while just walking around the park, watching others ride instead of doing so ourselves. We admired the flowers that seemed to be everywhere, as well as ferns, hostas, and all kinds of other plants. We listened to the music from the Ferris wheel and inhaled the scents of corn dogs and cotton candy. After a fairly thorough tour of the park, we hopped on the train that followed a meandering path through the surrounding forest and through parts of the park itself. The engine was some kind of truck, adapted to look like an old train, but it had tires just like any vehicle and rode on a road rather than tracks. The cars were roofed but open on all sides, with long, padded benches that ran the width of the car. Angel and I picked one near the back, behind all the others who were riding. Once the train pulled into the woods, we boldly joined hands. The train moved slowly, stopping now and then at outdoor dioramas that illustrated pioneer life, a Indian village, and other scenes of interest. The train ride was quite tame, but provided a nice break for our tired feet. It was romantic riding along with Angel, our hands clasped, as the forest flowed by like the banks of a river. “I just want to live here,” I said. “In Mystic Gardens?” “Yes.”

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“I do love it here, especially with you, but I think we’d get bored with it if we were here all the time. Can you imagine it, spending all day, every day, walking around and going on the same rides over and over?” “Well, then, I wish we could just come here whenever we want.” “That would be nice. We’ll come again, for sure.” “Awesome.” I wanted to kiss Angel, but that would have been risking too much. No one could see our joined hands, but if anyone happened to look back and catch us kissing it would have created a scandal. I didn’t know any of the other people riding, but some of them could have recognized me. It wasn’t worth taking chances, especially when Angel and I could make out all we wanted when we were alone. The train passed near the Tilt-a-Whirl and the Scrambler. Angel pointed and I nodded, silently agreeing that we’d ride the Scrambler next. The train pulled up the hill and brought us back to our starting point. Angel and I climbed off and headed for the Scrambler, but we were distracted by a cotton-candy vendor. Angel bought us both some, and we walked and devoured the sticky pink spun candy from heaven. “I’ve got to wash my hands,” said Angel when the last of his pink fluff had been devoured. “I feel disgustingly sticky.” “Yeah, time for a bathroom break anyway.” After we took care of business, we resumed our trek to the Scrambler. We watched others enjoying the ride as we waited our turn. I didn’t mind waiting too much, because Angel and I talked and laughed and drank in the sights, sounds, and scents of the park that surrounded us. Mystic Gardens was beautiful and well named. It was kind of like a big flower garden, or rather like a whole lot of little flower gardens. My mom actually knew the guy in charge of all the gardening in the park: Mr. Meadows. He’d been working in the park since the day it opened. I said “hi” to him whenever I saw him in town or, far more rarely, in Mystic Gardens itself. When I thought of places like Mystic Gardens, I remembered the sights best— all the rides, and flowers, and food booths, and attractions. Standing there with Angel, I was more attuned to the sounds and scents of the park. Each ride made its own distinctive sound, like the whir of the Scrambler and the rumbling, rolling sound of the Tilt-a-Whirl. The park was filled with scents—flowers in the hot sun, funnel cakes, corn dogs, cotton candy, popcorn, and others all wafting about and mingling. It was easy to forget the sights and sounds when I thought of the park. I guess that’s because my mind showed me pictures, but I didn’t hear or

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smell things in memory, not much at least. I wish there was a way to record it all, the scents and sounds as well as the sights, but if there was, I didn’t know how. We climbed into our Scrambler seat, Angel on the inside, and then closed and bolted our door. We waited in the hot sun while the attendant, an attractive college boy, made sure all was secure. When he checked to make sure our door was properly bolted, he also checked out Angel. I know he did. When he set sight on Angel, he just stared for a moment, then remembered himself and checked our door bolt an extra time. He gazed at Angel again as if mesmerized by his beauty. I smiled at the college boy, Brad, according to his name tag, and he blushed, knowing he’d been caught. He looked back at Angel and me sitting together, and I wondered if he suspected we were boyfriends. I didn’t have long to wonder, for Brad started up the ride. At first each of the four arms of the Scrambler rotated slowly, while the four cars centered on the ends of the arms rotated as well, a rotation within a rotation. As the speed increased, I felt my butt sliding toward the outside of the car and Angel pressed up against me. The wind flew through our hair, in Angel’s case tossing his ponytail out behind him. Every time our car was tossed to the outside, Angel leaned hard against me, nearly crushing the life out of me. I tried to push back but the centrifugal force made it all but impossible. By the end of the ride I was quite squished. “Next time, I get the inside seat,” I announced. Angel giggled. I knew then he’d set me up to be crushed. “Kurt?” I stopped dead still. Tommy was gaping at me, or rather at the fact I was with Angel. There was no denying we were together. We’d just been laughing and talking like old friends, or boyfriends. “Hey, Tommy,” I said, trying my best to recover quickly. “I didn’t know you were going to be here today.” Gee, is the whole town here? Tommy’s attention was clearly focused on Angel, but with an effort he returned his attention to me. “Um, yeah, it was last minute. I called your house, but no one was there.” “You here alone?” “Yeah.” “Well, hey, then hang out with us,” I said, thinking the best way out of the mess I found myself in might be to just act as if all was cool. “You know Angel, right? Angel, this is my best friend Tommy.” “Hey,” said Tommy, eyeing Angel fearfully. “Hey,” said Angel.

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Angel was reeling a bit, too, from the sudden appearance of Tommy, but he played it cool. Tommy seemed frightened of Angel, as if he thought he might lunge at him or something. The poor boy was confused. From his point of view, he’d just found me being buddy-buddy with one of the resident bad boys of B.H.S., one who had recently beaten me senseless. “We were just heading back to the bumper cars,” I said. “Let’s go.” We walked along, Tommy still bewildered, and Angel and I trying to figure out how to salvage the situation. If Tommy started talking to the guys from either team, there could be trouble. “Listen, Tommy,” I said, “I know you’re probably wondering why Angel and I are here together…” “It is kind of strange. No offense,” he said, apprehensively eyeing Angel. “Well, I’ve been tutoring Angel, and we kind of hit it off.” “I’m not really such a bad guy,” said Angel, “but if you tell that to anyone, I’d have to hurt you.” Tommy gulped, and Angel didn’t crack a smile. For all he knew he’d just been threatened. “Anyway, we’ve kind of become friends. Well, we have become friends, but we have to keep it secret because, well, you know how things are.” “Yeah, I guess so,” said Tommy. It was clear he was going to want more of an explanation than that later on, but he accepted it for now. Tommy was my best friend, after all, so he trusted me. I wished I could trust him with the whole story, but if I did, he might not be my best friend anymore. He might not be my friend at all and might even tell everyone about Angel and me. Things could have been a good deal worse. It’s not as if Tommy had walked in on us making love, as my brother had. We knew there was a fair risk of seeing someone we knew at Mystic Gardens, but the two of us being together wasn’t that huge of a stretch. Okay, it was a pretty big stretch, but one didn’t have to be friends with someone else to go to an amusement park with them. We had to take some risks or we could never be together, and we’d be defeated before we even got started. Things were a bit strained at first, but they began to loosen up as we plowed into each other on the bumper-car ride. Tommy looked shocked to see Angel laugh, and I think it put him at ease. I’d have to tell Tommy later that he was not to expect Angel to be overly friendly at school. Reputations had to be preserved, after all.

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You would’ve thought we’d all been friends forever after another hour had passed. We ran from one ride to the next, having a blast. Angel bought us all snow cones, and it blew Tommy away. He said “thank you” so many times Angel finally told him to shut up and then laughed. Angel didn’t seem to mind that Tommy had joined us. I was sorry my day alone with Angel had come to an end, but it’s not like we wouldn’t have other days together. Instead of crying over what I’d lost, I enjoyed what I had, and that was a wonderful day with my boyfriend and best friend. They even seemed to like each other, although Tommy was obviously still afraid of Angel. I guess that shouldn’t have come as a surprise. Angel’s bad-boy reputation was hard to get over. Angela and Alicia spotted us twice more. Tommy’s presence helped us out then. It probably seemed strange that Angel was hanging out with us J.V. guys, but three boys together were less suspicious than two. We walked back into town together. Mom would have picked us up, but we didn’t know when we’d want to leave the park and didn’t want to set up a departure time in advance. It wasn’t that big of a hike, anyway. We dropped Tommy off at his house, and then Angel and I continued on alone. “I hope you didn’t mind Tommy joining us, but he’s my best friend and I could hardly ignore him.” “No, it was fun. I can see why you’re friends.” “It’s going to put a cramp in our evening, though,” I said. “I’ll be willing to bet fifty bucks he calls me within fifteen minutes to see what’s up with you and me being together.” “Well, why don’t you go home and take his phone call, then come out and see me later. I’m sure we can find something to do,” said Angel seductively. “I want to go with you now!” “And I want you to, but we can’t let Tommy get suspicious.” “Yeah, you’re right, of course. I hate lying to him, but…I’ll just give him as much truth as I can. You and I are friends as well as lovers.” “Yes,” said Angel, “and I enjoy being both your friend and lover.” When we were far down the road toward our homes, past the A&W and out of sight of civilization, Angel looked around and then hugged me and kissed me on the lips. “That’ll have to hold us until later,” he said. We walked on until we came to my house. There we parted, but hopefully not for long. “I’ll come as soon as I can,” I said.

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“And then we’ll go to the barn loft,” said Angel, wiggling his eyebrows. I couldn’t wait. I watched as Angel disappeared into the distance, then turned and walked across the yard and into the house. It had been a wonderful day and would hopefully be a truly magnificent night. True to my suspicions, Tommy called not five minutes after I walked in the door. His first words were, “What is up with you and Angel Egler?” I gave Tommy the spiel we’d played out in front of Angel’s teammates, that I was tutoring Angel for college. I expanded the lie and threw in some truth: that I’d discovered Angel wasn’t a bad guy after all. I didn’t tell him we were lovers, of course, as that would have been the death of our friendship and complete disaster for both Angel and me. What I did tell him was enough of the truth for him to understand that Angel and I were now friends and that our friendship had to be hidden from his teammates. Pal that he was, Tommy agreed to keep our secret. I apologized for keeping him in the dark, but explained I’d thought it best. After I hung up the phone, I felt a good deal better about our unexpected meeting with Tommy. I wished I could tell him the whole truth, but that was far too risky. I had to think of Angel as well as myself. If we were found out, we’d both go down. Maybe Tommy would understand, as my brother had; maybe he’d come to be understanding after a time, but maybe he wouldn’t. I couldn’t risk it in any case, so Tommy had to be kept in the dark as to the true nature of my relationship with Angel. I told Mom where I’d be and quickly set out for the Egler farm. I ran all the way there. I couldn’t stand another moment more of not being in Angel’s arms.

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For once in my life, I was completely happy. Angel was my boyfriend, and we were even able to go on real dates now and then without anyone catching on. The day before at Mystic Gardens had been wonderful, even with the appearance of Tommy. Just last night I’d lain in Angel’s arms after an intense hour of lovemaking. I thought of Derek Spradley and all the other guys at school who were obsessed with sex. I almost laughed out loud; I was probably having more sex than all those guys combined. I was too happy. That was the problem. I should’ve known it couldn’t last. Pure bliss cannot be maintained for long. What was to be one of the worst days in my entire life started out innocently and deceptively normal—a shower, a breakfast of pancakes and bacon, and a leisurely walk to school. I even had a pleasant surprise waiting for me when I walked out the front door—Angel. We couldn’t hug or kiss in full view of the house, but we walked up the road a bit and slipped off to the side. There, my boyfriend pulled me close and kissed me. I melted in his arms. I wished we had time to sink onto the grass and make love. I needed it again already despite our sweaty, pounding activity of the night before. Angel needed it, too. That much was obvious from the strained state of the front of his jeans. We didn’t have long, but those few moments with Angel were pure heaven. We walked back onto the road, smoothing our clothes and then walked on to Tommy’s house. - 192 -

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Tommy eyed Angel nervously as we approached. I could almost hear the gears turning in Tommy’s head, trying to piece together how I’d become friends with bad-boy Angel Egler. I’d explained on the phone about tutoring Angel and how that had led to our friendship, but I wasn’t sure Tommy was buying it. I feared he suspected something more was going on, which was most certainly the case. Angel and I made it a point to discuss a bit of the day’s Lit assignment as we approached Tommy. Appearances were everything. Despite any suspicion Tommy might have, it still felt good walking to school with my boyfriend and best friend. I wished I could tell Tommy everything, but I very much feared our friendship would come to an end if I did so. Still, I felt content and secure, as I had not in a long time. My newfound contentment and happiness was short-lived. It totally disappeared as we neared the school. Joshua Fehribach walked up to us, gave me a sneer, and then said, “You better watch your ass, Angel, or the little homo might grab it.” Angel, Tommy, and I all stopped dead cold. I couldn’t believe my ears. “What?” said Angel, obviously as shocked as I was. I could hear an edge of fear in his voice. “Haven’t you heard? Someone saw your little friend here giving some guy a blow job.” Joshua turned to me and glared. “Faggot!” I could feel the color drain from my face. All I could think at the moment was how? Angel and Tommy both drew away from me—just a step—but I could feel the isolation and loneliness. I felt like I’d just lost every friend I had in the entire world. “Another false rumor at B.H.S.?” asked Angel. I could tell he was trying to douse the flames before the fire got started. I appreciated it, even though I knew it was probably hopeless. “Not from what I hear,” said Joshua. “So who was the guy?” asked Angel. I wondered if Joshua could detect the nervous edge in Angel’s voice. “No one knows, at least as far as I can tell.” Angel was scared. I could see it in his eyes. He looked as if he was standing next to a nuclear bomb he expected to go off at any second. “I’ve, uh…I have to get to class,” said Angel. He beat a hasty retreat. I tried not to let tears well up in my eyes. “Cocksucker,” said Joshua, shouldering me before he went on his way, too.

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Tommy and I stood there in silence. I suddenly found my shoes of great interest. When I looked up, Tommy was staring at me. “It’s not true, right?” he asked, looking at me as if he didn’t know me at all. I hesitated. I didn’t want to lie to my best friend. My mind was spinning. Who saw? Who told? Surely Sam hadn’t said anything. I hesitated a moment too long. Tommy stepped away from me without another word. I was pretty sure I’d just lost my best friend. I looked back the way I’d come. I’d been happy until I reached this very spot—this little space of sidewalk where my life ended. This was the entrance to Hell. My boyfriend and best friend had just abandoned me, or so it seemed. I had little hope either would stand by me. I thought of going back home, but what could I say? “Mom, I can’t go to school today, because everyone found out I’m a homo.” I swallowed and reluctantly walked toward the school. Maybe it won’t be as bad as I think, I told myself, knowing it would be every bit as bad as I thought, if not worse. Kids were looking at me even before I reached the steps. There were whispers and laughter. A boy I didn’t even know called me a faggot. I didn’t look at him as I passed, but I felt as if he’d just hit me in the head with a brick. Inside, they were all gawking at me. At least that’s how it felt, and it was mostly true. Derek Spradley stared at me with a disgusted look on his face. I thought he was going to slug me as I walked past. Angela Yates shot me a superior look, as if being a homosexual made me less than human. Most of the guys from the JV team wouldn’t look at me at all. I think that was even worse than the stares. I’m a total outcast now. I didn’t know what to do, so I just kept walking. I had to work the combination on my locker three times before I could get it to open. Once I did, I tried to hide behind the door, taking as long as I could to gather my books. I wished I could just crawl inside and not come out until school was over. Or maybe I could just hide in there for the rest of my life. When I turned around, they were all still staring at me. I was the freak show— a real live homo for everyone to see. My lower lip trembled, and I bit it to keep from crying. I didn’t make it three steps away from my locker before Adam Voegerl knocked my books out of my arms, sending them flying in every direction. “It’s open season on you now, queer,” he said without stopping. No one offered to help me pick up my books. I kneeled down, kids stepping around me, looking down on me. Someone shoved me over, and I went down

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flat on my face. I’d never been the most popular guy in school, but it was still a long hard fall. I’d lost everything. Suddenly, even the days I’d spent running from Angel in terror seemed like a golden age. My throat tightened and a sob escaped. I fought it, but it just came out anyway. My chest heaved and shuddered. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I stood and walked down the hall. I was embarrassed. But did crying in front of my classmates really add to my pain? I’d already hit bottom, I couldn’t go down any further, or at least so I thought. First period was ever so slightly normal. Before class started there were whispers and stares and I heard both “queer” and “homo” muttered under the breath about half a dozen times each. Once class got going I fought to lose myself in Mrs. Kendall’s prepositional-phrase lesson. Didn’t we cover this in grade school? My mind wasn’t cooperating, however. I was still getting sideways glances and nasty looks, and Danny from the varsity team was sitting right next to me and kept mouthing “fucking faggot” to me all during class. I tried to pretend he wasn’t there. I couldn’t get my mind off the fact that I’d just become a social outcast. If the school was a pirate ship, they would’ve made me walk the plank. I spent as little time in the hallways between classes as possible. Navigating the halls was like walking through a minefield. I never knew who might blow up on me. I learned fast not to carry too many books, because jerks “accidentally” knocked them out of my hands. It happened twice before I could make it to my locker after first period. It was like being back in the days right after I’d punched Angel in the stomach, only worse. Now, everyone was out to get me. I decided that two was the best number of books to carry, as I could hold onto them tightly, and I’d only have to make the arduous journey to my locker every other period. The hallways and my classes were an ordeal, but they were nothing compared to lunch. I came out of line holding my tray with absolutely nowhere to sit. The guys from the JV team were pointedly ignoring me. Even Tommy was. There might as well have been a big “Not Welcome” sign hanging over their table. I couldn’t sit with any other group, either. What appeared to be random seating in the cafeteria wasn’t random at all, as I’ve mentioned before. The boundaries were carved in stone. There was the JV baseball table, from which I’d just been exiled, the varsity baseball table, the brain table, the burnout table, and so on. Everyone belonged to some little clique or group, even the nerds. I guess I might as well start the homo table, I thought to myself, sitting alone as far as possible from both baseball tables, but not nearly far enough. I also strategi-

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cally placed myself fairly close to the teachers’ eating area, hoping their presence might offer me some small protection. There’s more than one kind of loneliness. There’s the kind you feel when you’re all by yourself and yearning for someone to break the solitude. Then there’s the kind you experience when you’re in a crowd of people you don’t know. And then there’s the worst kind, sitting alone in the middle of dozens of people who look at you as if you’re something they scraped off the bottom of their shoe, if they look at you at all. I sat at the newly founded homo table, mostly just looking down at my lunch—a corn dog, ketchup, green beans, corn, Jell-O, and milk. I bumped the side of my tray and watched the orange Jell-O wobble. It was likely to be the highlight of my day. I was keenly aware of everyone looking at me. Well, not everyone, but it sure seemed like it. There were more than enough pairs of eyes to make me feel completely uncomfortable and self-conscious. I hated it when they looked at me, whispered to whoever was next to them, and then looked at me again. I could just imagine what they were saying. The guys were the worst. It was like I was some kind of traitor because I didn’t go nuts over girls. Maybe they were thinking of all the times I’d seen them naked in the showers. The showers: Damn, I was dead meat. The girls weren’t as bad, except for those who looked at me and actually laughed. A lot of the girls just looked at me all curious-like, as if I was some sort of creature they’d never seen before. A few even looked at me with compassion. I wondered if maybe I could make friends with a few girls, so I wouldn’t be totally alone. The guys sure wouldn’t have me. I knew I’d be lucky if I made it through the day without getting my butt kicked. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes again as I took a bite of corn dog. I was scared and alone, and I didn’t know what to do. Angel wasn’t even looking at me. We were supposed to be in love. I guess I understood, though, if he stood up for me, he’d become as much of an outcast as I was, and he had way more to lose. It still hurt. I wanted him to be my knight in shining armor and come rushing to save me. Everything would’ve been a lot easier to handle if I wasn’t in it alone. A sob escaped from my throat. Dammit. The last thing I needed was for them to see me cry. In a way, it didn’t matter, but I didn’t want them to see my pain. I didn’t want them to know how much they were hurting me with their nasty looks and slurs. If this is what my life was going to be like, I wasn’t going to make it. I didn’t even want to live my life. I wondered how much it would hurt if I stepped out in

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front of a truck. Would I die instantly or would I be moaning in pain for hours before my body finally gave up? “Hey.” I looked up. It was Tommy, holding his half empty tray. “Have room for me?” he asked. His voice was shaking. I nodded, biting my lower lip to keep from bawling. The sympathetic look in Tommy’s eyes about made me lose it. He sat down right across from me, blocking some of the angry glares. “Thanks,” I croaked. I wanted to say more, but I couldn’t without crying. As it was, tears were streaming down my eyes. “Rough day, huh?” asked Tommy. I nodded. I could tell Tommy was scared. He was trying not to pay an attention to our hostile classmates, but he couldn’t help but nervously look around. “You sure you want to be seen with me?” I asked, managing to get my voice to work without bawling. “You’re my best friend, Kurt.” “It’s true you know,” I said. “I’m what they say I am. I’m a homo.” “It’s okay,” said Tommy. “Listen, I’m sorry…” Tommy looked down at his tray for a moment and then back up. “I’m sorry about walking away from you this morning. And I’m sorry for not being a better friend. I should have gotten up and come right over here when you sat down. I should’ve been waiting for you as you came in and gone through the line with you. It’s just…hard…you know? I’m scared. When people see you with me…well, they might think I’m queer, too. Even if they don’t, being the friend of…of someone like you probably won’t be easy. I’ve been sitting over there with the guys trying to screw up the courage to walk over here. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything harder in all my life.” “I appreciate it, Tommy. You’re a real friend—my best friend. There’s still time to back out, though. If you want, you can stand up right now, call me a fag so everyone can hear and walk away. I’ll understand if you do. I don’t want to pull you down with me.” I swallowed hard and looked into Tommy’s eyes. “And you’re a real friend for suggesting it—my best friend, but I’m staying right here.” “Thanks,” I said, my lip trembling again. “You’re all I’ve got.” “I’ll help you through this, Kurt.” I started crying. Tommy sat across from me, telling me everything was going to be okay. I didn’t believe him, but it sure felt good to have someone care

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enough about me to say those things. When you’ve got one good friend, you’re not alone. ✶

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I’d been avoiding the bathroom all day, but I had to go so bad I was dancing on one leg. Just after lunch, I made a dash into the bathroom, hoping to get in and out before anyone saw me. It was nearly empty—only one of the nerds, a tall scrawny boy with round glasses and messy hair, was at a urinal when I stepped in. He quickly zipped up and made a hasty retreat, as if he thought I’d try to grope him or something. The relief was exquisite, not worth the torment of holding it in for so very long, but letting off the pressure was pure pleasure. I went as fast as I could manage. Every second in that restroom was an extreme risk. “Sick, the little fag is playing with himself.” Fear shot through me like an arrow. I zipped up as fast as I could. A strong hand grabbed my shoulder and spun me around. It was Doug Finney, with John Hearst. I didn’t know them well, but the looks on their faces let me know I was in deep shit. “I heard you’re as good as a girl when it comes to blow jobs,” said Doug. I tried to step past them, but John put his hand on my chest and pushed me back. “I bet you want some of this, don’t you?” said Doug, obscenely groping the bulge in his jeans. He disgusted and frightened me. “Don’t you? Answer me!” “No,” I said. “I’ve got to get to class.” I tried getting past them again, but Doug shoved me back harder. “Watch the door,” he said to John. My eyes grew wide with fear, and my heart attempted to pound its way out of my chest. Doug backed me into a wall. “Come on, fag, do it. I know you want it.” John was watching the door. I calculated my chances of making it if I bolted. They weren’t good. Doug grabbed my shoulders and pushed down hard. I struggled against him with every bit of strength I could muster, but he slowly forced me down on my knees. He fumbled with his belt and zipper as he used one hand to hold me down. “No,” I said. “Please, don’t!”

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“You know,” said Doug, “it’s the same with fags as it is with girls. They pretend they don’t want it, but they do. Yes means yes and no means yes. Now suck it!” Doug had it out, shoving it toward my face. He had one of his hands on the back of my head, forcing me forward. I struggled to get free. “Douglas,” hissed John. At first I thought he was just using a longer version of Doug’s name. But Doug shoved himself back into his jeans in record time and jerked me to my feet. He glared at me and turned, just as Coach Douglas entered the restroom. I was never so glad to see anyone in my entire life. “Is everything okay in here, boys?” asked Mr. Douglas. His suspicions were aroused and he was mostly looking at me. “Yeah, sure,” I said. What was I going to say, “Doug was trying to force me to suck his dick?” Doug and John beat a hasty retreat, and I washed my hands and exited, realizing for the first time I was trembling. For about the tenth time that day I wanted to cry, but I didn’t. It was hard to keep the tears back. I expected taunts, name-calling, and violence, but not once had I anticipated what Doug had tried to do to me. I felt more unsafe than ever before. I didn’t know how long I could stand it. ✶

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My day went steadily downhill. Rumors were flying about me in all directions, but a new rumor reached my ears, one that tore at my heart. Ryan had been arrested for the murder of Matt Taber. It was Adam who told me first, although he didn’t mention Ryan’s name. He just said, “Hey, guess what? There’s another homo in town. He molested Matt Taber and then murdered him. I bet you’ll do that to boys when you grow up, won’t you? We should kill all you fucking queers.” I wanted to punch Adam in the face, but I didn’t dare. It didn’t take me long to find out it was Ryan who had been arrested. Rumor spread like wildfire throughout the school, and Ryan’s arrest wasn’t just rumor, it was fact. I caught more and more details just by listening to passing conversations. Someone had turned Ryan in; they’d told the police about the car in his garage. My heart just about stopped when I heard that. No one knew about the old Ford in Ryan’s garage, the one that fit the description of the vehicle following Matt on the day he disappeared. No one knew except me and…Angel.

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Had Angel turned on me so completely he’d betrayed my friend? I racked my brains, but Angel was the only person other than I who knew about the car in Ryan’s garage. It was too well hidden. Someone could have seen it before Ryan hid it, but, if so, why had they waited until now to come forward? I thought back to the evening I’d taken Angel to meet Ryan. I had talked about it on the way home. Could someone have overheard us? It seemed unlikely, but it wasn’t impossible. I didn’t want to believe Angel had betrayed Ryan. He wasn’t that cruel, and what was to be gained from it? Angel knew something about Matt Taber’s murder. I strongly suspected he was involved. Angel swore to me he hadn’t hurt Matt, but what if he’d been lying all along? What if he had been lying when he said Ryan hadn’t done it? And what if Ryan really did kill Matt? Ryan was attracted to me, a boy of fifteen. I knew he was. But he’d never touched me, or done anything improper, unless gazing at me could be considered wrong. What if he’d had less control with Matt? What if he’d wanted him so badly he couldn’t stop himself? What if things had gotten out of hand? What if he’d taken Matt by force and then killed him to keep him quiet? I couldn’t believe Ryan would do something like that, but there was the car hidden in his garage, and there was the striking similarly between Ryan and the description of the man who’d been following Matt on the day he disappeared. How did Adam and his gang fit into all this? Angel had more than hinted he couldn’t tell me the whole truth, because it would put me in grave danger. But why? Were Adam and the others somehow involved, too? Maybe Angel had been lying to me, and they were all in it together somehow. Maybe he’d turned Ryan in to save himself. I suddenly had a thousand questions and no answers. I couldn’t believe either Angel or Ryan would hurt Matt, but things were becoming more and more uncertain by the hour. I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone anymore. I’d truly lost everyone except for Tommy and Sam. Even Ryan was gone now. I prayed he wasn’t the killer, and I didn’t believe he was guilty, but how well did I really know him? He was a nice guy who overpaid me to mow his lawn and work in his garden, but I knew nothing of his past. The mere fact he overpaid me seemed suspicious now. He could have hired someone else for half what he was paying me. I would’ve done it for half that much myself. Was Ryan just getting me to let my guard down until he was ready to pounce? I wondered if Matt had ever done yard work for him. Matt did mow a few yards. Had Ryan lured him in and then killed him?

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My heart was telling me Ryan wasn’t like that. It was telling me Angel couldn’t have betrayed Ryan. Something was up, however, and one thing was for certain: Someone had killed Matt Taber. Oh, how I wished my life was one of those detective shows where everything was cleared up at the end of the hour! Maybe I was pondering things too deeply. What could I do about any of it anyway? If Ryan had killed Matt, he’d be found guilty. If Angel had turned him in, that would probably come out, too. Angel had obviously abandoned me to my fate, so he was out of my life no matter what. Word was spreading about me and might soon get back to my parents. I had no idea how they’d react. My whole life was going to hell, and I didn’t know what to do about it. I wanted to tell myself things couldn’t get any worse, but the truth was they were getting worse by the minute. I didn’t know what to do. ✶

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I lingered in the gym outside the locker room, wondering if I dared to go in. There were naked boys in there, boys who knew I was a queer. Would they beat the crap out of me if I went in? I wished I could explain to them that my heart belonged to Angel, and I was interested in no other, but I couldn’t pull Angel down with me, and it was beginning to look as if he’d deserted me. That thought brought me close to tears again. It was harder to take than the name-calling and even more difficult to withstand than what had happened in the restroom. I didn’t want to enter the locker-room door, but baseball was important to me. I truly loved it. I didn’t want to give it up. I also didn’t want to look like a coward because I was too afraid to go into the locker room. Then again, I didn’t want to be beaten to a pulp, either. “Hey, Kurt,” said Tommy. I looked to my side. I hadn’t realized it, but I’d been staring so intently at the entrance to the locker room I hadn’t even noticed him approach. “Hey.” “Scared?” he asked. I nodded. “I’ll be at your side.” I nodded again. “Thanks.” I took a deep breath and stepped into the locker room. Most of the JV team was changing. Thankfully, the varsity team was already gone, as usual.

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All eyes turned to me as I entered. I think I might’ve turned and bolted if I hadn’t known Tommy was standing behind me. He was the best friend anyone ever had in their life. “Get out!” spat Derek Spradley, taking a step toward me. “We don’t want you in here looking at us, fag.” A few of the guys nodded their agreement. Those who were naked when I walked in rushed to pull on their jocks and uniforms. Those who hadn’t changed yet weren’t taking off their pants. “I’m not interested in looking at you,” I said. I wanted to add, “because I have a boyfriend,” but I couldn’t risk exposing Angel, and it likely wasn’t true anymore, anyway. “Bullshit,” said Derek. I noticed the Nudo twins were keeping quiet. They looked uncomfortably at everything, except me. “Get out,” said Derek. “Get off him,” said Tommy from behind me. “He’s got the same right to be here as any of us.” “Why are you taking up for him? You a faggot, too?” asked Derek. “No. I’m his friend, and don’t call him that.” “I’ll call him what I want. It’s what he is, and we don’t want him here.” Derek shoved me. Some of the guys had stepped closer, and once Derek shoved me they pounced, like a pack of wolves waiting for their leader to make the first move. My head snapped around as someone’s fist smashed into my jaw. Tommy jumped right in and punched Derek in the eye. It was two against about twelve, with a handful of guys staying out of it. I couldn’t get a good count, because I was too busy getting my butt kicked. I fought back, but when you’re outnumbered like that, it’s pretty useless. A couple of guys grabbed Tommy’s arms and held him back so the rest could kick the shit out of me. I was vaguely aware of someone pounding on Coach’s door and seconds later he was in the locker room shouting and pulling guys off me. “My office, now!” said Coach, as if it were all my fault. “Just what the hell do you boys think you’re doing?” asked Coach loudly as I walked toward his open office door. “We’re not changing in front of that faggot!” said Derek. “He’s always looking at us. He tried to feel me up last week.” What a liar. As I entered Coach’s office, I noticed Allen standing nearby. I realized it was he who had pounded on Coach’s door.

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“Thanks,” I said, wincing. My mouth was sore where a tooth had cut into my jaw. “No problem,” said Allen suavely. I looked in a mirror in Coach’s office. I didn’t look as bad as I expected. I figured I’d have bruises or something, but I guess they hadn’t had time to appear yet. I put my hands around my stomach—it ached. Coach appeared a few moments later and shut his door. I fidgeted in the chair across from his desk. I did not want to have the discussion that was about to begin, but there was no avoiding it. At least Coach saved my butt in the locker room, Coach and Allen. “We have a problem,” said Coach. I nodded. “I don’t condone violence, but your teammates see you as a threat.” They see ME as a threat? Who beat the crap out of whom? is what I wanted to say, but I knew where Coach was going with this. “I’m not a threat, and I never did what Derek said. I’ve never touched anyone.” “Be that as it may, I’m sure you’re aware there is a rumor going around about you. It’s even reached the teachers. Now, I’m not saying if the rumor is true or not, but it’s causing problems.” Coach looked like he’d just taken a drink of sour milk, leaving little doubt he believed what everyone was saying about me. A part of me wanted to tell him it was true, but I feared that would get me kicked right off the team. “I didn’t start it, those guys jumped me.” “I’m not saying you did, but I have a locker room full of boys who don’t want to change around you and don’t want to shower with you. I won’t stand for any funny business in the locker room, but I can’t stand guard over you every minute. If you go in there, what just happened will likely happen again.” In other words, I was going to have to take whatever was dished out in the locker room and showers. Great! Every time I step in there, they’ll beat the crap out of me. “Are you saying I should quit the team?” “No, Kurt, I’m not. You’re becoming a better player by the day, and this team needs every good player it can get. I’m saying we need to make some changes.” I wondered what Coach would be saying if the team didn’t need me; probably, get out you little queer. “Changes?”

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“I think from now on you should change in my office, and I’m exempting you from the shower requirement.” “So this is what I have to do to stay on the team?” I couldn’t help but feel like I was being punished. “No. I’m just trying to come up with a solution to our problem. If you want to brave the locker room and showers, it’s your choice, but I can’t guarantee your safety. Like I said, I don’t condone violence, but I also can’t be your bodyguard every second either.” I thought about what awaited me in the locker room and what the guys might do to me in the showers. I remembered Doug trying to force me to blow him in the restroom and shuddered. “Okay,” I said. “We’ll do it your way.” “I think you’ve made a wise choice, Kurt.” I noticed Coach didn’t touch me. Before, everytime we’d had a coach/player talk, he’d ended the conversation by putting his hand on my shoulder or patting my back. The absence of that simple gesture spoke volumes. Yeah, you don’t want to touch the fag. You’re afraid it’ll rub off on you. Coach took me out into the locker room. Almost all the guys were gone, but a few were still changing. Coach stood there guarding me while I cleaned out my locker and put everything in a small wire basket with the number 185 on it that Coach’d given me. I felt like I’d been kicked off the team and was clearing out my stuff for the last time. Coach led me back to his office. He sat behind his desk and waited while I changed into my uniform. When I was suited up, he walked me out to the field. Everyone was staring at me. What a shock. I’d become the school sideshow freak. “Line up for batting practice,” yelled Coach. “You boys need to make a lot of improvement! That last game was embarrassing. Don’t just stand around, line up!” Coach smacked his hands together and walked off toward home plate, leaving me alone. Tommy edged up to me. “You okay?” “Yeah.” “I guess you didn’t get kicked off the team?” “No, but I have to change in Coach’s office from now on, and I’m ‘exempted’ from showering. Translated, that means no one wants to shower or change around the fag.” “Don’t call yourself that.”

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“It’s what they call me,” I said, indicating our teammates, guys who yesterday were my friends. “Yeah, but don’t be down on yourself.” “Thanks, Tommy, but I’m really not. I have no problem with what I am. It’s just been a tough day.” And it’s going to be a tough life. Tommy nodded. “The guys didn’t hurt you, did they?” I asked. “No. Well, not much. They just held me back so I couldn’t help you.” “I’m glad…about them not hurting you. And hey, it took a couple of them to hold you, so you kept that many off me.” “Yeah, I guess so.” “It was Allen who got the coach. I owe him one.” “Allen? Wow, I didn’t think he had the balls.” “Well, I don’t think anyone knows, so keep quiet about it.” “His secret’s safe with me.” “Listen, Tommy, I appreciate you standing up for me, but don’t get yourself hurt, okay? If guys say nasty stuff about me around you, just let it go. I don’t want you getting in trouble on my account.” “Hey, what are best friends for?” I could’ve hugged him, but then the guys might’ve accused Tommy of being queer. He was already pushing it by refusing to dump me as a friend. “Hey, you two! Get in line! This isn’t social time!” yelled Coach. I cracked a little smile as I turned toward the dugout. Coach yelling at us was a tiny bit of normal in a messed-up day. ✶

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Since I was no longer required to take a shower, or allowed, depending on how you looked at it, I was back in my street clothes before anyone else. I waited for Tommy in Coach’s office. I didn’t dare step into the locker room. During practice, Derek had whispered to me what would happen if I did. I don’t want to go into details, but it involved me bent over a bench and a broomstick. Draw your own picture if you dare. Derek had even laughed, saying I’d probably show up, because I liked that sort of thing. I wanted to slug him, but I’d had more than enough trouble for one day. I walked out of the gym with Tommy, more or less without incident. I heard “faggot,” “cocksucker,” and “fairy” muttered a few times, but no one tried to beat my head in. As we walked along the sidewalk, a car full of boys driving by yelled,

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“queer,” as they passed. I was afraid they’d stop and jump me, but they kept on going. “Did the guys give you any trouble?” I asked. “Yeah, some, but I told them you’re my friend and that I was going to stick by you no matter what. I told ’em they could beat me senseless, but it wasn’t going to change anything. I thought Derek was gonna punch me, but he backed off.” “I’m sorry.” “It’s not your fault, Kurt, and I meant what I said.” “Thanks, Tommy. You’re the best.” He grinned. Tommy wasn’t any bigger than I was, but I felt safer when I was with him. At least if I got jumped, he’d be there to help me. The guys on the JV team didn’t seem to want to get into it with him, with the possible exception of Derek. Maybe Tommy was still protected by the idea of team unity. I was now exempted from that, of course, just like I was from showering. “Are you freaked out?” I asked Tommy, as we walked down the street. “Kinda. Well, yeah. I mean, we’re still friends and all, but it’s just…strange. I never knew anyone who was…and I never guessed you were either. I just…I dunno. I mean, guys say stuff about homos all the time, but it doesn’t seem real, you know? And now you’re…it’s just gonna take some time for me to get used to it. I never thought anyone I knew was…um…different enough to be queer.” “Well, I think guys like me are a lot more normal that people think, so we go unnoticed until…something happens.” I started to tear up. “Want to talk about it?” asked Tommy. I’d never realized until this day just how good a friend I had in him. We were best friends, yeah, but still… “I’m just…I have a boyfriend…had a boyfriend. I don’t know. I really loved him, and I thought he loved me, but…” A sob escaped my throat. Tommy looked at me with pity in his eyes. “He hasn’t talked to me all day. Ever since everyone found out about me, he acts like I don’t exist.” “Is he the one? No, I’m sorry, that’s none of my business.” “The one someone saw me with? He had to be. I’ve never done that with anyone else. I don’t know how anyone could’ve seen us, though. We’re always so careful. Sam walked in on us once, but…” “Sam? Did he freak out?” “Yes, but we talked, and he’s been pretty understanding.” “You don’t think he told, do you?” “I’ve wondered about it, but I don’t think he would, not after the things he said to me. He said he loves me, no matter what. He’s kind of like you. He’s

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standing by me, even though it’s hard. Of course, it’s harder for you, since you’re not my brother.” Tommy blushed. “Anyway…what would he have to gain from telling? Nothing. And he has a lot to lose. Think about it; now, he’ll be known as the guy with the homo brother. That’s not going to help his popularity.” “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” “So even though Sam knows about me, it almost has to be someone else. Angel and I were really careful, but it’s not impossible that someone else saw us together.” “Angel?” asked Tommy incredulously. “Angel Egler? Are you serious? He’s your boyfriend?” “Oh shit!” I said. I hadn’t even realized I’d said his name out loud. “You can’t tell anyone, Tommy! Please!” “Calm down. Your secret’s safe with me, but…him?” “Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, but he’s not at all like you think. When we’re together he’s sweet and kind and loving and…” The tears came again when I thought of Angel. What we’d had was so wonderful that the absence of it was torment. “And now he’s ignoring me,” I sobbed. I looked up after a while. “Hey, we passed your house.” “Yeah, I’m walking you home.” “You don’t have to do that.” “I want to. Besides, I think you need to talk about stuff.” “Thanks,” I said through the tears. “You’re a really good friend.” “Yeah, yeah, I’m a good friend. You’ve said that already. Now stop embarrassing me before I slug you.” I laughed despite myself. “It just really hurts,” I said. “Today has been complete hell, but Angel…that hurts the worst of all.” “Maybe you just need to give him some time. Like you said, your day has been complete hell. He’s got to be running scared. If people find out, it’ll be the same for him.” “I had kinda thought about that, and to be honest I don’t know what I’d do if our situations were reversed. I like to think I’d stand by him, but I don’t know if I’d have the courage. It’s…there’s just no word to describe how horrible it is. I don’t think I could’ve made it through today if it hadn’t been for you. I think I would’ve just run away and killed myself or something.”

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“Don’t say that!” said Tommy. “You can’t ever do that!” He was scared. I could hear the fear in his voice. “I won’t,” I said, not knowing if I meant it or not. To be honest, I’d been thinking about ending it all. Only Tommy’s friendship was holding me together and I doubted if even that would be enough. “Well, let’s deal with one thing at a time,” said Tommy, sticking his tongue out of the corner of his mouth, as if he were concentrating hard. “Yeah, like me surviving tomorrow at school?” “Bad, huh?” “Yeah, let’s see…I had my books knocked out of my hands eight times. I was tripped twice, slammed into the lockers five times and a wall once. I was called fag or faggot about two dozen times and queer and cocksucker about a dozen times each, plus some other stuff like pillow-biter and ass fuck. And, of course, most of those names were preceded by “fucking.” I got a death threat slipped into my locker, and Doug Finney tried to make me suck his dick in the boy’s restroom by the cafeteria.” “Shit. A death threat? Doug Finney?” “Yeah. Someone stuffed a note in my locker saying, ‘I’m going to cut off your nuts and kill you, faggot,’ and Doug, well, he was just about to force his dick into my mouth when a teacher walked in. His buddy, John Hearst, was acting as lookout for him, so I guess it would’ve been his turn next.” “Shit. Did you tell anyone, like the teacher who walked in?” “They wouldn’t do anything. I’m persona non grata now. Besides, it would be too embarrassing.” When we reached my house, Sam was sitting on the steps waiting for me. “We’ve got to talk,” he said, eyeing Tommy. “Okay.” Sam looked at Tommy again. “He’s cool,” I said. “Besides, everyone knows, anyway.” “Well, don’t go around confirming it!” “I haven’t. I just told Tommy the truth. Relax.” “Come on,” said Sam and headed for the tree house, as I knew he would. When all three of us were safely locked inside, Sam turned to me. “Why weren’t you more careful? I’ve had to listen to shit about you all day! What if it gets back to Mom and Dad?” “Hey! I was careful! I don’t know how anyone could’ve seen us. It’s not like we wanted to be found out, and if you think your day was tough…”

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“Okay. Okay. I’m just a little stressed out here. I’ve been telling people all day it’s just a stupid rumor.” Part of me wondered if Sam was ashamed of me because I was queer, but I got that thought out of my head really fast. He was trying to protect me. It didn’t matter whether or not it was okay to be a queer, it just wasn’t the type of thing anyone could admit in Blackford, Indiana—maybe not anywhere. Maybe someday things would change, but for now it was like a death sentence. Sam was trying his best to help me. “I wish I could get them to believe it’s nothing more than a rumor, but everyone’s just sure I’m a homo.” I’d been wondering why they were so sure. Was there something about me that tipped them off? “Well, just don’t confirm it, okay? If Mom or Dad ask, we’ll just tell them it’s a stupid rumor. Maybe you can start dating a girl or something.” “A girl? I don’t like girls, well, not like that.” “It doesn’t matter what you like! You want every day to be like this one? And things could get worse, Kurt, much worse. Guys have been lynched for being what you are.” I thought about that for a moment. I didn’t know if I could survive another day like this one, and what if things did get worse? Would someone really try to hang me for being a homo? “Dating a girl isn’t a bad idea,” said Tommy. “I…I couldn’t…I’d feel like I was cheating on Angel or something.” Tommy looked at me. I knew what he was thinking and not saying: And just where has Angel been all day? “Well you damn well better start thinking about it, little brother. Today was only the beginning. Like I told you not long ago, I can’t fight your battles for you, Kurt. I can’t be your bodyguard. Every boy in school is going to be out to kick your ass. You’re dead meat. This isn’t going to go away on its own. It’ll just get worse.” “Thanks,” I said. “I wasn’t scared enough yet.” “I’m sorry, little brother, I’m not trying to scare you. I’m just trying to make you see how things are. I’m your brother. I’m trying to understand. You know I still love you. But other people aren’t going to be so accepting.” He looked at Tommy, as if acknowledging that he was an obvious exception to the rule. I nodded. “I’m going to feel like a tratior to myself denying what I am,” I said.

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“Sometimes you’ve just got to tuck your tail and run. If this was one or two bullies or something, I’d be telling you to stand up for yourself, but we’re talking about the whole fucking school here, the whole fucking town. This is a battle you can’t win.” “Okay, I won’t admit anything. When I have to, I’ll deny it.” “And a girl?” asked Sam. “I’ll think about it.” “You’d better think about it a lot.” I nodded. “I’ve got to get to work. I’m late already,” said Sam. “Thanks, Sam.” Sam hugged me and mussed my hair. “I’m sorry things are like this, little bro. I’ll help you as much as I can.” “Thanks.” Sam opened the trap door and disappeared, leaving Tommy and me sitting there looking at each other. I let out a long breath and banged the back of my head against plywood. “God, my life is the worst.” “I’m sorry.” “We were so careful. I can’t believe someone saw us.” “So you and Angel have been doing it?” “Yeah, and it’s awesome…was awesome. I never knew anything could feel that good, but it was more than just sex, you know? When I’m with him it’s the most wonderful feeling in the world, even when we’ve got all our clothes on. Sometimes I dream about just being with him. The sex is incredible, but I think I like it best when he just holds me.” Tommy smiled. “It sounds like you’re in love.” “I am. That’s why him not even talking to me hurts so much. If it was just sex, I guess it wouldn’t matter, but I do love him.” “I’ve never been in love,” said Tommy wistfully. “I’ve never even…” “I hadn’t either, before Angel. You know, guys go on and on about sex, but I don’t think it means anything if you don’t love who you’re with. I guess I don’t really know, since I’ve never had sex with someone I don’t love, but it’s just so special with Angel that I can’t imagine it being half as good with anyone else. I think you should wait for someone you love, Tommy.” “That’s easy for you to say! I’m the one not getting any!” I laughed, and it felt good. I hadn’t had much to laugh about during the day.

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“I think you should seriously consider getting a girl, Kurt. You can’t go on like this.” “I know I can’t, but a girl? I’d be such a hypocrite, and I’d feel like such a coward.” “That’s better than getting your butt kicked.” “Yeah, I guess, but, I dunno…it’s something I’ll have to think about.” “Okay. I guess I should be going. Meet me at my house in the morning?” “Sure,” I said, “and thanks.” Tommy smiled, opened the trap door, and disappeared down the ladder.

C H A P T E R ▼

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Plans for the End

Every time the phone rang that night I hoped it was Angel, but no such luck. My hope that he just needed some time to think was fading fast. Tommy had come around by lunchtime, and Angel was supposed to love me. So, where was he? Of course, Tommy didn’t have quite as much to lose. Then again, no one knew Angel was my boyfriend, and no one had to know. Whoever had seen us together obviously hadn’t got a good look at him, or his name would’ve been spread around the whole school, too. Angel had a reputation as a bad ass, but that wouldn’t protect him if everyone thought he was a homo. Whoever talked surely couldn’t figure out who I was with. Likely, they’d seen us in the shadows, because outside of the tree house and Angel’s loft, we usually did it in the darkness. I guess it didn’t really matter who saw us and that they hadn’t identified Angel. I was still screwed, and he was still pretending I didn’t exist. That hurt worse than anything else. I thought about calling him, but what would I say? He’d probably just hang up on me or tell me to stay away from him. Knowing for certain that he’d dumped me would be worse than just wondering. Maybe I just needed to look at the situation realistically. Angel couldn’t help me. He couldn’t stand up for me as Tommy could. We were supposed to be enemies. We were nothing more than the jock and his tutor as far as anyone else knew. If he stood up for me, it would arouse suspicions, and just how much could he do for me, anyway? Maybe I was just grasping at straws, but more than likely Angel was getting out while the getting was good. I guess I couldn’t really - 212 -

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blame him for that. Maybe I’d have even done the same, but I don’t think so. I felt betrayed, but I’d protect Angel with my silence. It was the least I could do for the boy I loved, even if he didn’t love me anymore. I truly wanted to die. ✶

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The next day was a hellish continuation of the previous one, except that Angel wasn’t waiting to walk to school with me, and the taunts hurt a fraction less, because I was getting numb to them. Who would’ve guessed I’d get used to being a social outcast so quickly? I think the bullies realized I was getting used to the abuse, because they turned it up. With them, things were getting worse instead of better. A couple of my teammates even caught me between classes and punched me in the gut a few times while no teachers were looking. No one stepped in to help me. I didn’t know how much more of it I could take. Mid-morning, Angel looked at me for the first time since he’d walked away from me the day before. If I had any illusions he still cared, they were crushed then and there. He wrinkled his nose as if I was an offensive odor, called me a “fucking faggot” and shouldered me so hard I went spinning and crashing into the wall. I burst into tears. Angel, more than anyone else in the world, had the power to hurt me, and he’d just hurt me worse than I ever thought I could be. I’d been trying to put up a good fight, but Angel turning on me was the last straw. Nothing, and I mean nothing, had ever hurt so badly. Unless you’ve loved someone with all your heart and had them turn on you, you can’t even begin to understand. Nothing mattered after that. I lost the will to fight. My emotions just kind of shut down. Maybe it was my mind’s defense against all the abuse being hurled my way and against having to think about Angel. I felt dead inside, and I didn’t think about anything after that except getting my hands on a bottle of pills so I could bring it all to an end. Tommy sat with me at lunch. He tried, but he couldn’t draw me out, couldn’t make me smile. He asked me what was wrong, but I just burst into tears. When I quit sobbing enough to get the words out, I told him I just couldn’t take all the abuse. That was true enough, but I didn’t mention the real reason I wanted to die. If Angel had stood by me, I would’ve had a reason to live, but he’d turned his back on me. I had nothing to live for anymore. It was as simple as that. I didn’t mention wanting to end my life. I was too smart for that. If I spoke of it, Tommy would try to stop me. He’d tell Sam. He’d do whatever he had to as my friend. I appreciated what he would do as well as what he’d already done, but I couldn’t let him get in my way. Tonight, I was gonna do it.

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“Tommy, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you standing by me, but I don’t think you should do it anymore. I’m afraid someone will hurt you for it.” “I’m not backing down,” said Tommy. “You’ve got to,” I said. “Listen, you are the best friend a guy ever had, and that’s why I don’t want to see you get hurt. You can’t save me, Tommy. They’re gonna get me no matter what. Yeah, maybe you can help protect me while you’re with me, but you can’t be with me all the time. The guys on the team are cutting you some slack right now, but if you keep it up, they won’t. They’ll start in on you, too. And all the guys who aren’t on the team, well, you know they’ll pound you just for being associated with me. You can’t let yourself be marked as the friend of the fag.” “I can’t just walk away from you, Kurt.” “You’ve got to do more than that. You’ve got to turn on me. Listen, I’ll know it’s not real, okay? We can still talk on the phone and maybe manage to be together some, but as far as everyone else is concerned, you’ve got to become my enemy, and you’ve got to do it now.” “I can’t!” said Tommy. His eyes were beginning to water. “You’ve got to,” I said hoarsely, near tears myself. “I love you too much to let you sacrifice yourself for me, and, Tommy, you can’t save me anyway. No one can.” He just sat there across from me fighting back the tears. I think it might’ve been the worst moment of my entire life. I hated what I’d said to him, but I knew I was right. “Please, Tommy, do it, you have to.” He shook his head slowly. I knew what I had to do. I lurched across the table, grabbed Tommy by the front of his shirt, and used every ounce of strength I had to pull him toward me. I toppled over backward and fell to the floor with Tommy on top of me. I screamed, “Don’t call me a faggot!” as loud as I could. Tommy never knew what hit him. I scrambled out from underneath him and backed away, holding my stomach as if he’d punched me. Mrs. Kendall was there in a flash. “What’s going on here?” she asked. Tommy was still too shocked to speak. “Nothing,” I said, “except this asshole attacked me!” “Watch your mouth, young man!” A crowd had gathered by then, surrounding us. “He started it!” I shouted.

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“Detention!” said Mrs. Kendall and then rounded on Tommy. “Did you attack him?” “No, I…I…” Tommy was flabbergasted. “He’s lying!” I shouted. “He called me a faggot!” “Not another word from you!” said Mrs. Kendall. I closed my mouth, looking dejected. Derek Spradley, Doug Finney, and John Hearst were all glaring at me, looking amused. I bet they just loved the fag getting into trouble, but I was glad they were there. They’d spread the word that Tommy had attacked me and called me a faggot. My feelings of guilt were extreme as Tommy was led to the principal’s office by Mrs. Kendall. I doubted he’d get in much trouble for attacking the school queer, but I still felt completely rotten about getting him in trouble for something he didn’t even do. It was far better than what would’ve happened, though. He would’ve been no better off than me in a few days if he’d kept standing up for me. I just hoped he’d keep his distance and not try to play the hero. I prayed I wouldn’t have to make him hate me for real. Of course, if I had the guts to kill myself, he wouldn’t even have the chance. He could go on living his life like normal after I was gone. I wanted to yell something like, “Yeah, I’m a queer! And you’re all fuckin’ assholes for treating me the way you do! I’m not the one with a problem. You are!” I couldn’t do that, though, because I’d promised Tommy and my brother to lie low and even deny what I was, if necessary. If I went off on the entire student body of B.H.S., Tommy and Sam might guess I was about to end it all, because screaming something like that would be close to commiting suicide anyway. My hands were tied. ✶

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I skipped baseball practice. What was I practicing for anyway? I’d played my last game. The real reason I skipped wasn’t because practice no longer mattered. I didn’t want to give Tommy the chance to stand up for me again. He had to be my enemy or he’d go down, too. I knew he really cared about me, and that had to be enough. There was never a friend as true as Tommy, and I couldn’t let him destroy himself in a vain effort to save me. I was the Titanic and I’d already hit the iceberg. I’d done what I’d done in the cafeteria to save Tommy. It was my last gift to a treasured friend. Everyone would think he hated me now. When I was gone, he could go on living his life. I hoped he’d find happiness.

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I couldn’t go home early or Mom would ask questions. I didn’t have any answers for her. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I walked to the Black Heifer and sat in the exact same booth I had when Angel had taken me out. There I ordered my last supper—blueberry pancakes, bacon, and iced tea—the very same supper I’d eaten on my date with Angel. I looked across the table to the empty space where Angel had sat on the evening not so long ago. We’d been so happy then, both of us. We’d talked and laughed and looked forward to our day at Mystic Gardens. Now I was alone. I felt Angel’s absence keenly. The memory of the boy I loved haunted me like a ghost. Somehow, revisiting the past by sitting in “our” booth made me feel as desolate and lonely as I never had before. Maybe that was the drawback to loving someone—you missed him too much when he was gone. Emma soon came out of the kitchen with my pancakes, bacon, and iced tea on a tray. She had a smile and a friendly word for me, as always. I smiled back, although I felt no joy inside, and said something appropriately kind that I cannot now remember. I smeared butter on my pancakes and drowned them in warm maple syrup. I sprinkled powdered sugar on top and took a bite. The pancakes were delicious, filled with plump, tasty blueberries. I would’ve enjoyed them more if I wasn’t feeling so low, but I tried to concentrate on my supper and not on recent events or what was soon to come. I took my time, savoring the buttery pancakes and chewy bacon. I had all of baseball practice to wait. It was odd; not so long ago I’d been down in the dumps over my dismal performance on the baseball diamond, but now I would’ve given almost anything to be back there. I’d have happily gone back to when I was at my worst. Maybe you really did have to lose something to truly appreciate it. I lingered over my supper, trying and failing to keep Angel out of my thoughts. The emotional pain that coursed through me was beyond anything I’d ever imagined before. Still, I think I would have done it all over again. Even knowing how it would all end wouldn’t make a difference. What I’d had with Angel, short-lived as it was, was the most wonderful, precious experience of my life. I felt as if I’d been allowed a glimpse into Heaven. When my pancakes had vanished and the last strip of bacon was gone, I ordered hot tea and sat there a while longer. It was weird how life had become so precious to me at the very end. Problems that had once seemed so formidable now seemed unimportant. Oh, how I wished I could go back to the way things were, but too much had happened; there’d been too much pain. Even if I could recover from Angel’s betrayal, my life was ruined. The world was not ready to accept a boy like me.

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I walked out of the Black Heifer and considered a last visit to Whitney’s Antiques, but what was the point? I couldn’t take coins where I was going. Instead, I headed for home. I spotted Doug Finney as I walked down Main Street, too late to avoid him, unfortunately. He grinned at me, glanced around to make sure no one was in sight, then grabbed me by the shoulders and slammed me back against a brick wall. I swallowed hard and tried to control my racing heart. He just stared at me for a few moments without speaking. I found myself unable to bear his gaze, but when I looked away he grabbed me by the chin and forced me to to face him. “You can’t do anything to me here,” I finally managed to say. We were on Main Street. No one was in the vicinity for the moment, but that could change without warning. Doug jabbed me in the stomach, forcing the breath out of me. “I can’t make you do what I want here, but I can still hurt you,” he said. “I’ll catch you alone, Kurt. It’s only a matter of time, and when I do…Why don’t you make things easier on yourself and come with me now, Kurt? I promise I’ll be nicer to you if you do. You do what I want, and I won’t hurt you.” “I’m not going anywhere with you,” I said. Oh, how I wished Ryan would come to my rescue, but that couldn’t happen. There was no one left to save me. “Then we’ll do it the hard way, and you’ll be very, very sorry,” said Doug. I tried not to let it show, but I knew my eyes were wild with fear. Just then an old man stepped out of the barber shop, his head nearly shaved clean. Doug released me and smiled as if we were the best of friends. “I’ll be seeing you later, Kurt. You can count on that.” He walked away, and I scurried in the other direction, towards home. If you see me again, I’ll be dead, I said to Doug in my mind, I’ll be safe from monsters like you. I ran home, in mortal terror that Doug would come after me. I calmed my breath as I walked in the familiar front door, wiped my feet on the rag rug, and walked into the kitchen. There Mom served me cookies and milk, just like aways. It was odd how things changed. I thought my life would go on and on just the same to the end of time. Mom would always be waiting on me with milk and cookies at the end of the day, but now I’d come to the last day. It was the last time I’d taste my mom’s home-baked cookies. I’d thought it would all go on forever, but I was wrong.

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I gave Mom a hug and a kiss as I left the kitchen. She no doubt wondered what that was all about. I went outside and tried hanging out in the tree house, but Angel’s presence was too strong there. Every memory of him brought me pain, and everywhere I looked stirred up more memories of the boy I loved. I retreated to my room. I knew I should just go ahead and get it over with, but I was afraid. Besides, I kind of felt like I should wait until dark. I don’t know why, but it just seemed the way things should be. I sat down and wrote Tommy a letter. That’s what people who are going to kill themselves do, they write letters to say goodbye. I wrote Sam, too. I thought of writing Mom and Dad and Ida, but I didn’t know what to say. Sam would say what needed to be said. I could count on him for that. Once I’d finished, I gazed out the window and watched the sun sink as my last hours crept by. ✶

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The evening shadows were growing long. I’d stolen all the medicine I could from my parents’ medicine cabinet. Mom had trouble sleeping sometimes, so there were plenty of sleeping pills. I knew people commited suicide with those. Falling asleep and never waking up again seemed the best way to go. I’d never stolen before, but then I’d never killed myself before, either. It was to be an evening of firsts. I lied to my parents, telling them I was going to see Tommy, and then slipped out the door. I put the letter I’d written to Tommy in the mailbox. It said how much I loved him and how much I appreciated everything he’d done. I also told him I was sorry for getting him in trouble and sorry for killing myself. I explained how things had to be this way, though. I hoped he understood. In the envelope was the letter for Sam, too. I couldn’t risk him finding it before I was dead. I knew Tommy would make sure he got it. I put the flag up on the mailbox and turned to the road, unsure of what direction to take. I looked back toward the house, thinking of the tree house in the backyard. Sam or even Mom and Dad might find me there, though, before the pills had time to finish me off. I couldn’t risk that. I’d have to tell Mom and Dad everything if they found me like that, and it’d be a hundred times harder to kill myself if I failed the first time. They’d watch me like a hawk. I could just imagine how mad Tommy would be, too. I couldn’t face his anger. No, I had to succeed the first time. I thought of doing it in Angel’s barn as a sort of dramatic statement or something, but he said he spent a lot of time there in the evenings, so that was too

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risky, too. I walked toward town with no clear sense of where I was going, the bottle of pills bulging in my pocket. I reached the high school and walked around the back, still not certain of my destination. My heart just about stopped beating when I saw Adam, Joshua, and Travis standing there talking, laughing, and smoking cigarettes. They spotted me at almost exactly the same moment I saw them. This was not what I’d had planned! I turned and ran like hell, but I didn’t have a very good head start. One of them tackled my legs and I went down, scraping my forearms on the grass. I came up fighting, but Joshua slugged me in the face so hard I thought I was going to black out. I tried to scream, but Adam twisted my arm behind my back and said, “Make a sound and I’ll break your fucking arm, faggot.” It hurt so bad I remained silent, except to whimper in pain. “Go tell the guys to meet us in the woods,” said Adam to Travis. “Tell them it’s playtime. Oh, and bring a shovel.” Adam released my arm and tore my shirt off. He ripped it in half like it was nothing and tied part of it it around my mouth as a gag. He bound my arms behind my back with the rest of it. Both he and Joshua each grabbed an elbow and dragged me toward the woods. I wished I’d stayed home and killed myself in the tree house. I had the feeling that whatever they were going to do to me would be a lot worse than death. “I always suspected you were a faggot,” said Adam. “We’re going to show you what we do to cocksuckers.” “Think he’ll squeal and beg like Taber?” said Joshua. “Oh, I’m sure of it,” laughed Adam, “but we’ll find out for certain soon enough.” My eyes widened and I looked at Adam in sheer terror. He knew exactly what I was thinking. He smiled wickedly. “Yeah, that’s right, fag. We found out about Matt Taber being a little cocksucker, and you know what we did to him?” “Trust me,” said Joshua, “you don’t want to know. Let’s just say he was glad to die in the end.” “He was begging for it,” said Adam, laughing like it was the funniest thing ever. I used to think I was a monster for being attracted to other boys, but these guys…they were the monsters. A sob escaped from my throat and tears streamed from my eyes. I cried in absolute terror. Adam would never have told me they’d killed Matt Taber if he

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didn’t plan to kill me, too. That wasn’t the worst of it, though. If he planned to kill me, he could do anything to me because I wouldn’t be around to talk about it. When they grabbed me, I figured they were going to beat the shit out of me. I figured they’d hurt me so bad they might even break bones, but they were talking about something so far beyond that I could barely imagine it. From what they were saying, it sounded like they’d tortured Matt Taber to death, and now I was facing the same fate. The newspapers hadn’t said anything about Matt’s body being mangled or anything, but then maybe they’d glossed over the truth so everyone wouldn’t be so afraid. Maybe Adam and Joshua were lying just to scare me. I sure didn’t want to find out. I struggled against my bonds, but it was useless. Adam and Joshua laughed at my efforts. We stopped when we were well within the woods, and Adam punched me in the gut. I doubled over and my muffled moan escaped through the gag. Joshua took a turn, and I dropped to the grass, writhing in pain, feeling like they ruptured something inside me. “Let’s not do too much until the others get here. We want everyone to share in the fun,” said Adam, but then he kicked me in the ribs, and I screamed. “Now we just sit here and wait,” said Adam. Perhaps twenty minutes passed before Travis returned. He was carrying a shovel. “I found Danny. He’s getting the others,” said Travis. “He thinks they might not want to come, but I told him you’d be angry if they didn’t.” “Why wouldn’t they want to come? Why would they want to miss out on the fun?” “Well, you know what we talked about. You know what we’d planned,” said Travis, warily eyeing me. “You can talk in front of the fag, stupid. He won’t be telling anyone anything.” I trembled in absolute terror. “Well, someone’s beat us to it. There’s a mob forming. They’re going to break that guy they arrested for Matt’s murder out of the jail and lynch him. Some of the guys might not want to miss out on that.” I think my heart might have stopped beating for a few moments from the shock. They were going to hang Ryan without even waiting for a trial? Adam grinned. “This is coming together better than I could’ve dreamed, only the timing is off. I’ve never seen a real lynching. What a thing to miss! But, it’s still better this way. The mob will do our work for us, and we don’t even have to

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be involved. You go back and tell the others; tell them to come here as fast as they can. Anyone who doesn’t show is dead. Now go!” Travis turned and ran as if the hounds of hell were after him. All I could think was that at any moment the mob could be going after Ryan, and there wasn’t a thing I could do to stop it. “What a glorious night!” said Adam. “And we have you to thank for it, fag. You really shouldn’t talk in public about certain things. What a stroke of luck it was for us that Danny overheard you talking to Angel about that car in your friend’s garage.” I wanted to scream, but I was securely gagged. “He’ll be dead by morning,” said Adam, “and everyone will think justice has been served. It’s perfect.” I was horrified. What had I done? I had no time to think about it. Adam grabbed me by the arm and jerked me to my feet. He untied my hands and pushed the shovel into them. “Start digging,” he said. I looked at him in confusion. “You don’t think we’re gonna dig your grave, do you? Dig!” I narrowed my eyes. “Don’t even think about it, fag. You take a swing at me with that shovel and I’ll stick it up your ass.” Adam grabbed my hair and pulled my head back painfully. “You think I’m bluffing, you little bastard?” I shook my head. “Start digging!” I did as I was told. I wanted more than anything to smash Adam in the head with the weapon he’d placed in my hands, but I was shaking with terror. I knew he’d make good on his promise. Even if I did manage a good swing at him and took him out, the others would be on me in a flash. Still, it might be worth trying. I thought maybe I should take my chance and attack before any more of Adam’s gang arrived, but, to be honest, I was too terrified. It made me feel helpless and weak—like a victim. Come on, Kurt, you’ve got to do something, if not to save yourself then to save Ryan. Yeah, like that was going to happen. Even if I could somehow escape from Adam and his crew, what could I do to stop an angry mob? Maybe Ryan even had something to do with Matt’s murder, although I sincerely doubted it. From the way Adam was talking and from what Angel had said, Ryan had nothing to do with it, which went along with what I felt in my heart to be true. Even so, how could I convince a murderous mob of Ryan’s innocence without evidence? Who

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was going to listen to a fifteen-year-old boy, one recently exposed as a homo? Likely as not, they’d string me up, too. The car in Ryan’s garage and his similarity to the man seen following Matt: It was mere coincidence. Why hadn’t I kept my mouth shut? I should have trusted my heart. Ryan was no murderer. He couldn’t be; he just couldn’t. But now he was going to die because of me, a stupid little kid. Ryan had done all he could to help and protect me, and I’d paid him back by playing right into the hands of Adam and his gang. I was a fool. There had to be some way out. They were going to torture me. I’d never known real fear before. I thought I had, but I was wrong. I thought of the pills in my pocket. Now there was a plan, one they wouldn’t suspect. If I managed to succeed at least the amount of time they could torture me would be limited. Maybe I could even do it without them noticing; then I’d just keel over after a while, before they started in on me, if I was lucky. Death was sure better than what they had planned for me, and I’d end up dead in any case. Better to take the less painful route. But what about Ryan? Get real, Kurt, you have no chance at all of saving him. None. You have no proof he didn’t do it. What are you going to do—overpower Adam and his gang, then tie one of them up and make him confess before the mob? Even if you managed to get away, even if you could somehow force one of Adam’s gang to go with you, he wouldn’t be stupid enough to admit to murder. It’s hopeless and you know it. You can’t save Ryan. You can’t even save yourself. I bowed to reality. This wasn’t a movie; it was real life. Even one on one I didn’t stand a chance against Adam or any of his gang. I did have the shovel, though. I had a weapon…but if I failed…tears came to my eyes as I realized I was too terrified to even make the attempt. It was doomed to failure, anyway, and I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. The only thing I could do was try to take the easy way out before the real pain began. I had no fear of death, I yearned for it, but pain was something else entirely. I waited until no one was looking and quickly pulled out the bottle. I struggled to get the lid off. I ripped off my gag and lifted the bottle to my mouth. That’s as far as I got. Travis tackled me, and the pills flew all over the forest floor. He slugged me in the face and picked up the bottle. “Well, what do we have here?” He looked at the bottle and back to me. Adam took it from him. “You were gonna kill yourself, weren’t you?” said Adam. “Yes,” I said. “That’s what I was on my way to do when you spotted me.”

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“Lucky you crossed our path. This kind of death is much too good for you,” said Adam shaking the bottle. He laughed at me. Adam retied the gag around my mouth. “Now, dig!” I went back to work, digging out a shallow grave. With each shovelfull of rich, dark earth I felt myself a step closer to death. I was going to die, that’s all there was to it. Worse than that, I’d die in torment. So why didn’t I take my chance? Why didn’t I use the weapon Adam had placed in my hands? Was I such a coward that I couldn’t even try to save myself? There was still Ryan to think of, too. My pills were gone, there was no easy way out. I was going to die in pain no matter what. I had absolutely nothing to lose by trying. I thought of Adam’s threat, and it filled me with fear. Could what he’d threatened be any worse than the other things they’d surely do to me? What would keep him from doing the exact same thing even if I meekly handled back the shovel after I’d dug my own grave? You’ve got to make the attempt, Kurt. You’ve at least got to try! Don’t die a coward. I eyed Adam. He wasn’t paying much attention to me. Of course not, he thought he had me too scared to do anything. That was his mistake. Adam first, Kurt. Get Adam first and then go for Travis. I took a deep breath and gripped the shovel hard. I summoned my courage. In a flash Adam jerked the shovel away from me. It was there, and then it was gone. Had he read my mind? I hadn’t even begun to strike. I jerked my head toward him. No, he had no idea I’d been seconds away from bashing his head in. I’d hesitated and thought too long and now my chance was gone. Adam tied my hands behind my back once more. Why did I take so long to decide? I was a fool. At least, I consoled myself, I’m not a coward. I was going to do it. I was going to try. That thought brought me little solace as I waited for my torment to begin. In only a few minutes more I heard someone coming through the woods, several someones in fact—Chuck, Danny, Jesse, and…Angel. It was dark under the trees, but moonlight cut through the leaves here and there. I could see Angel’s face in the soft blue light. I looked into his eyes, the eyes of the boy I’d loved. How could things have gone so wrong? “And now the fun begins,” said Adam. “Angel?” All turned and looked at Angel. He looked almost fearful. “Now’s the time to prove your loyalty, to redeem yourself,” said Adam.

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I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about, but it hardly mattered. Angel stepped toward me. I trembled in terror. It was like some sick, twisted, nightmare. My former boyfriend, whom I’d loved with all my heart, who I thought had loved me, was going to torture me. I would’ve begged for mercy if I could’ve, but my mouth was still gagged. Angel grabbed me roughly. He punched me in the stomach, and I doubled over. His friends laughed. He shoved me to the ground and dropped on me. I squirmed to get away, but it was hopeless. He forced me onto my stomach and…was it my imagination, or was he untying the shirt that bound my wrists? He was. Angel jumped up suddenly and ripped a pistol from his jeans, pointing it at the others. “You fucking traitor,” spat Adam. “I told you we should have killed him! I told you the night we offed Matt. I told you we couldn’t trust him!” said Jesse loudly. “Fucking hell! Why don’t you guys listen to me? I told you all along we should have killed him!” Adam moved forward. Angel cocked the pistol. “I’ll kill you if I have to,” he said. His voice was cool and calm. I don’t think anyone doubted he meant what he said. “Do you really think you can escape from us, Angel?” “I can kill you all if I want to,” said Angel, “here and now.” “You don’t have the balls,” said Adam. “You couldn’t stomach it the night we killed Matt. You would have stopped us if you could, but you were too weak then, and you’re too weak now.” “Shut up!” I’d been right all along. Why couldn’t I learn to trust my own heart? Angel didn’t have anything to do with Matt’s death. He’d tried to save him! “I thought I’d gotten through to you the night Matt died,” said Adam. “Jesse wasn’t the only one who thought we should have put you in that grave beside Matt, particularly after you had to be restrained. I can see my forgiveness was misplaced.” “Lucky for me, huh?” said Angel. “You won’t last the night, Angel.” “I’ll take my chances.” Angel put his hand on my shoulder, and we backed slowly away. When we’d gone several yards we turned and ran. My heart pounded in fear, and my gut ached, but one thought played over and over in my head: Angel saved me. We stopped running when we reached the high school. Angel untied my gag. He pulled me to him and hugged and kissed me.

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“I wish there was time for us to be together,” he said. “But I’ve got to get you to the police station. They’ll come after us soon.” “Ryan!” I said. “There’s a mob, they’re going to lynch him! He’s innocent!” “Relax. I was on the inside, remember, a member of the gang? The others told me when they found out a mob was forming, and I slipped away and called the cops. By now the jail is probably surrounded by the state police. No one is going to be lynched tonight.” I hugged Angel again and kissed him. “Come on, we can’t risk just standing here.” Angel stuffed the gun back in his pants, and we half-walked, half-ran toward downtown. My mind was filled with questions, but in a way they didn’t matter. Angel was with me again. He loved me. I didn’t understand why he’d kept me in the dark, but he’d saved me from a horrible death. Soon, we were standing in front of the police station. “You go in and tell them what’s happened. You’ll be safe now.” “But, aren’t you coming with me? They’ll be after you, too.” “I have something I have to do, Kurt. I have to make sure you’ll always be safe. I have to make things like they were.” I didn’t understand. “I love you, Kurt. Don’t ever forget that.” His words sounded ominous. “I love you, too, Angel. Be careful.” Angel smiled at me and then he was gone. I stepped into the police station, and a startled Marshall Sheridan jumped to his feet. I must’ve been quite a sight all messed up by Adam and his pals. “I know who killed Matt Taber,” I said.

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Back to Normal

I lay in my own bed at home staring at the ceiling. It was past midnight, only a few hours since Angel had left me in front of the police station. Events had moved so quickly they were all a blur, yet time had seemed to slow down now, particularly in the hospital. I was relieved they didn’t keep me overnight. I was sore and bandaged and had a couple of cracked ribs that would keep me from playing baseball for a while (as if that mattered anymore), but, all things considered, I wasn’t in bad shape. I winced in pain when I tried to move too quickly, but if I took things slowly, it didn’t hurt too much. Compared to what Adam & Company had planned for me, I was in perfect health. For one thing, I was alive. If it hadn’t been for Angel…I shuddered. I did not want to think about it. You’d think I’d be feeling like crap after getting my butt thoroughly kicked, but I was happy: Angel saved me. Angel loved me. That made everything else okay. Of course, all was not right with the world. Somewhere out there were boys willing to kill me. Most of my classmates and teammates hated my guts because I dared to love another boy. I doubted I’d have to worry about Adam and his gang for a while, perhaps never again. Marshall Sheridan thought he’d be able to put them behind bars because of all I’d heard during my ordeal. Jesse had even said out loud they’d killed Matt. I was tremendously relieved when the marshall told me Ryan was safe and that they’d probably let him out before long, based on what they’d learned. That - 226 -

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wouldn’t make up for what I’d done to him, but at least he was safe, and soon everyone would know he wasn’t guilty. I wondered what the people who were going to lynch him would think about that. I hoped they felt good and foolish. If Angel hadn’t found out what was going down and called the police, the mob might have actually lynched an innocent man. I don’t know if I could have lived with that on my conscience, for ultimately it was my fault that he was in jail in the first place. From now on, I was going to keep my big mouth shut. I was worried about Angel, but he knew how to take care of himself. The authorities were out looking for Adam and his gang, so I doubted they’d have time to hunt down my boyfriend. He still had that pistol, too. Angel was strong and had nerves of steel in a crisis. I’d seen that when he rescued me. I don’t know if I would have had the courage to do what he did. Still, I’d rest easier when I knew he was safe. Mom and Dad wanted to know what was going on, of course. They were so freaked out and worried when they arrived at the emergency room, they didn’t press me for answers. I’d have to tell them the truth about me soon, though. The whole school knew I was queer, and it wouldn’t take long to get back to my parents. I was surprised it hadn’t already. I wasn’t looking forward to that talk and had no idea of the outcome. My parents might tell me to get out or maybe they’d be understanding, like Sam. I didn’t have to tell them the truth just yet, but I couldn’t wait long. My injuries bought me some time and sympathy, but it was inevitable that the truth would come out, and I feared the consequences. All Mom and Dad knew so far was that some bullies had beat me up and that Angel had saved me. Angel was their hero. I hoped they felt the same after I told them he was my boyfriend. It sure felt good to think of him as my boyfriend again. That short span of time when I thought he’d betrayed me was the worst time of my life. I wondered a lot about Angel’s role in Matt’s murder. Jesse had been going on about how they couldn’t trust him. Adam had even said they’d had to restrain him. I could almost picture them holding Angel back while he fought to escape and save Matt. In my heart, I just knew he couldn’t be part of a murder, but I wondered what really happened that night. I hoped now, with Adam and his gang going to jail, Angel would tell me the whole truth at last. Mom and Dad said I didn’t have to go to school the next day. A part of me was more than willing to stay home. After all, what did I have to look forward to other than being spit on and called a fag? At least Adam and his crew wouldn’t be there, but that still left a few hundred other guys who probably wanted to kick

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my ass. Maybe they’d be satisfied when they saw me, since someone had already done it for them. I shuddered to think that Adam and those bullies were going to kill me. I knew I was screwed when they grabbed me, but I didn’t know their plan was to actually murder me and stick me in the ground. They were going to do worse than that. They made me dig my own grave, and if Angel hadn’t saved me…. I didn’t want to even think about it. I don’t know if I would’ve been any more scared if I knew exactly what torments they’d planned for me. I think I’d already reached absolute terror and couldn’t have been any more frightened. Even though Mom and Dad had said that I could stay home, I decided that I was going to school in the morning. Too much was going on, and I was curious to find out what I could. There’s no way I could just lie in bed all day with all that drama playing out. The main reason I was going was to see Angel, of course. I knew we couldn’t be all buddy-buddy since I’d been marked as the school fag, but at least we could go back to the whole jock-and-his-tutor thing and be together at night. At least I hoped so. I thought Angel had turned on me, but obviously he hadn’t. I needed to have a good long talk with Angel. I had so many questions! I fell asleep with the comforting thought that someone out there loved me. It gave me a warm feeling in my chest. ✶

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I was hoping Angel would be waiting for me by the road the next morning, but he wasn’t. Perhaps that was too much to expect. After all, if people got suspicious of him, he’d become an outcast just like me. While I had some romantic Romeo & Juliet thoughts about us suffering through our troubles together, I didn’t want Angel to suffer, and Romeo & Juliet didn’t exactly live happily ever after, either. No, there was no reason for us both to be treated like scum. Angel had already done more than enough: He’d saved my life. He’d saved me from torment. How could you top that? I saw the flag sticking up on the mailbox as I neared the road. I’d completely forgotten the envelope I’d stuck in it the night before. I quickly retrieved it and stuffed it into my pocket. I’d destroy it when I had the chance. Tommy and Angel could never know I’d planned to kill myself. I paused at our tree, our secret rendezvous. I stood there for a few moments, hoping Angel would magically appear out of the deep dew-covered grass. It was just a fantasy, but it brought a smile to my lips. Angel loved me, and that knowl-

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edge alone made me happy. I wished the world would accept us, but I’d already seen what the world thought about boys like us. I thought about what awaited me at school, and a part of me wanted to turn around and go right back home. The swirl of events of the night before had stunned me, but my troubles had not come to an end. Angel had saved me from torture and death, but could I survive what was yet to come? Could I withstand the hatred of those around me? The human capacity for cruelty astounded me. Even with Adam and his gang out of the picture, I knew torment and abuse awaited me behind the supposedly safe walls of B.H.S. Still, Angel loved me; that was something I could hold onto. When someone loves you, it’s possible to face almost anything. “Shit, what happened to you?” That’s what Tommy said instead of ‘good morning’ when I reached his house. I didn’t mind and wasn’t surprised. My face was kind of messed up with two black eyes and several bruises. I looked like a traffic-accident victim or maybe even a zombie. I’d almost scared myself when I’d looked in the mirror earlier in the morning. “Some guys decided to play ‘beat the crap out of the queer’ last night.” I gave him the super condensed version of my adventure from hell with a promise to fill him in on all the details later. There wasn’t time to even begin to cover it all in the short walk to school. Once we reached school, Tommy had to hurry off because Coach wanted to see him before classes, so I was without a bodyguard. I wasn’t too scared, though. After facing torture and death at the hands of Adam and the gang, the rest of my classmates weren’t quite so scary. I got plenty of stares as I walked into school. I was used to stares—belligerent, hateful, curious, disgusted, superior, and others—but that morning a new one was added: shocked. Some guys laughed when they saw me, as if they thought it was funny the fag got his ass kicked. I could tell others pitied me. Those with pity in their eyes were mostly girls, but some were guys, even a few who’d been giving me shit the day before. Some people smirked, and more than a few pointed. It wasn’t a good time, but it wasn’t any worse than what I’d already been going through. “What happened, offer the wrong guy a blowjob?” asked John Hearst. “Nah, I hear homos like rough sex,” said Doug Finney. “You must’ve had the time of your life last night.” I wanted to say something about Doug trying to force me to blow him, but I knew I’d get a fist in the face, and I winced if I so much as touched my cheek. Going through the halls I heard “faggot,” “homo,” and all the rest muttered under the breath or just said out loud to my face. The novelty of it was gone, and

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I’d become a bit numb to it, but it still hurt like hell. I wished I was strong enough not to care, but I knew I’d never be that strong. Being called “fag” didn’t make me burst into tears, but it did tear me up inside. Each insult was like a bullet shot into my body that just kept ricocheting around, ripping me up. I might not cry in front of my classmates, but I sure as hell bawled my eyes out when I was alone. I wanted to hide in my locker again. How could I possibly keep going? How was I going to be able to withstand this day after day? I drew new strength from Angel’s love, but I didn’t know if even that would save me. I felt like I was in hell. By noon, rumors were flying about Adam, Joshua, Travis, Chuck, Jesse, and Danny. All of them were in the county jail, charged with the murder of Matt Taber. There were several stories floating around about why they did it and how. I heard some jilted girl had paid them to kill him, that Matt was going to turn them in for selling drugs, that they just wanted to see what it would feel like to kill someone, and several other versions. According to which rumor one listened to, Matt had been shot, stabbed, hanged, run over repeatedly by a car, or beaten to death. I didn’t pay much attention to the rumors. I figured the real story would come out soon. I’d find out what happened from Angel, too. He was there the night it happened. I had a lot of questions for him. I smiled when I heard Ryan had been released. I needed to visit him soon and confess it was all my fault. I’d meant him no harm and had never really believed he was guilty, but my big mouth had brought him plenty of trouble and had nearly gotten him killed. I owed him an apology and the opportunity to fire me and rant and rave at me for being so foolish. I was sure I’d lost a good friend, and it was entirely my fault. At least now everyone knew he was innocent. Angel was nowhere to be seen. Part of me was afraid that maybe Adam or one of the others had gotten to him before the cops arrested them. What if they find his dead body in the woods later in the day? Stop it, Kurt; you don’t know anything yet. He said he had things to do. Maybe it took all night, and he just couldn’t make it to school. I intended to walk to Angel’s right after school let out. I’d go see Coach first. With my cracked ribs I couldn’t practice, but I had to come up with something to explain my absence the day before. The truth just would not do. Yeah, I could just picture my excuse: “Oh, I didn’t come to practice yesterday because I was planning to kill myself, but I was almost tortured to death, and Angel saved me, so now I’ve decided that killing myself isn’t such a good idea.” By the end of the day, I knew there was no reason to go to Angel’s house. It took me a while to figure out what was going on. The first sign of it was when

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Derek Spradley came up and apologized all over the place for the nasty stuff he’d been saying to me. My jaw about hit the floor when he said he was sorry because he’d found out that Angel was the homo and not me. “Angel? I don’t understand,” I said. “It’s all in the letter he left. He admitted he was the fag and skipped town.” Skipped town? All the color drained from my face, and I felt like the world had come to an end. I nearly started bawling right then and there, but I held it back. “Letter?” I asked, totally confused. “Yeah, Noah Taber, the brother of that boy, Matt, who was murdered. Well Angel gave him a letter last night to pass around school. He admitted everything.” Why hadn’t I heard about this before? The school day was nearly done. “Who’s got it now?” “Doug Finney had it about a minute ago. After I read it, I came looking for you. I’m so sorry, man. I had no idea. I feel like such a jerk.” I mumbled something about it being okay and scanned the hallway for Doug. I had to get my hands on that letter. It didn’t take me long to find Doug, but he’d already handed the letter off to Tyler Nudo. Doug was at least remorseful enough to tell me who had the letter. By the time I tracked Tyler down, the bell for last period rang. I slipped into an empty classroom and read the letter with trembling hands.

To everyone at B.H.S., I’m a coward. I’ve been letting someone else take the heat for me, because I just couldn’t face it myself. You can all stop ragging on Kurt, because he’s not the fag. I am. I don’t know who started the rumor about Kurt or why. Maybe they were jealous of him or maybe they just thought it was funny to ruin someone’s life. I know one thing for sure, though: Kurt isn’t queer. I know it because I tried with him, and failed. Everyone is saying Kurt gave some boy a blowjob, but they’re wrong. I offered Kurt one and he turned me down. I tried to bully him into it, but he still wouldn’t. I even got him assigned as my tutor so I could keep trying, but he never let me. So you’ve got the wrong guy. Kurt got beat up last night real bad because some guys thought he was queer. They almost killed him. They meant to kill him. It’s all my fault. I was just going to sit back and let everyone think Kurt was a fag. I thought it served him right for turning me down, but I can’t take it anymore. I

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know you’ll all hate my guts because I’m a queer, but I’ve got to come clean. My cowardice and vindictiveness just about cost Kurt his life, so the least I can do is tell the truth. You’ve all been treating the wrong guy like shit. You’re not going to get your chance with me. By the time you read this, I’ll be long gone. I know what you jerks will do to me. I may be a queer and a coward, but at least I don’t judge people over something that shouldn’t matter at all. At least I don’t use prejudice as an excuse to treat someone like shit. I feel plenty bad about what I’ve done, but you’re all fucking losers for being such prejudiced bullies. You should all get down on your knees and beg Kurt’s forgiveness. Fuck you all for what you did to him. Angel Egler

Tears ran down my face as I read Angel’s letter. I put my head down on the desk and sobbed when I’d finished. He was gone and he wasn’t coming back. The boy I loved more than anyone else in the world had disappeared. After I’d had a good cry, I read the letter again. What a pack of lies. I realized what Angel had done, what he’d meant the night before when he said, ‘I have something I have to do, Kurt. I have to make sure you’ll always be safe. I have to make things like they were.’ If I’d had any idea he was going to sacrifice himself for me, I would never have let him leave. He’d known that. That’s why he didn’t tell me. That’s why he didn’t say goodbye. I was in a daze as I walked out of school at the end of the day. A few people came up to me and said they were sorry. Word was spreading fast about Angel’s letter. The verbal abuse I’d been receiving stopped cold, like a faucet that had been turned off. Some kid called me a queer on the front steps as I was leaving, but some boy I didn’t know punched him in the shoulder and told him to knock it off. The kid who punched the other one recognized the letter in my hands and asked for it. I walked off as he read it to the last boy who called me a queer. I was halfway across the lawn before I remembered I needed to tell Coach I couldn’t practice. I wanted to be alone to think, but I wanted to talk to Tommy, too. I needed my best friend. Coach had this kind of guilty look on his face as he opened his office door. He said to take all the time I needed to heal, but that the team would sure miss me. And, when I came back, I could use the locker room and showers as always. I walked into the locker room, and Derek Spradley made a point of telling everyone about Angel’s letter while I stood there, although I think most of them had probably already read it for themselves. Derek was working overtime to make

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up for being such a dick. I just wished he was doing it for the right reasons. Angel had sacrificed himself to turn back time. No one thought I was a queer anymore. Derek was sorry because he thought he’d made a mistake. He should’ve been sorry for being an asshole. Tommy’s eyes met mine. He knew the truth. Did he think I was a coward for standing there and letting Angel take the fall for me? If so, he didn’t show it. He smiled at me. I sat on the bleachers during practice, watching the guys and thinking my own thoughts. I felt empty. Beyond all hope, my life was quickly returning to the way it had been, but the most important person in my life was gone. I felt like he’d died. I don’t think I realized until just then how much I loved Angel. I knew I loved him, sure, I knew I loved him a lot, but, sitting there, I realized I’d gladly take all the abuse again if I could just have him back. I sat in the locker room and waited for Tommy to change after practice. No one was worried about getting naked around me now. They really had no need to be. It was almost like I didn’t even see them. When the boy you love disappears from your life, no other boy matters. As Tommy and I left the gym, Angela Yates got up from the steps where she’d been sitting and pulled me to the side. I didn’t know her very well. I only remembered the satisfied look on her face when everyone found out about me. She looked nervous and even fearful now. “I have a confession to make,” she said. That’s all she said for the longest time. “And?” “I’m the one who started the rumor about you.” Her words hung in the air for several moments. I couldn’t believe it. So that’s what had happened. No one had seen me with Angel at all. It was nothing more than a stupid rumor. I felt dead inside. “Why?” I asked. “Why did you to that to me?” Tears welled up in her eyes. “I wanted Angel. You two were so close you almost seemed like lovers. He spent all his time with you. I saw you at the movies together, at the diner, at Mystic Gardens. I wanted to get you out of the way so I could have him. I was sure if he thought you were a queer he’d dump you and stay away. I didn’t know things would go so far. I didn’t know anyone would do this to you,” she said, indicating my bruised and battered face. “I didn’t know Angel was…” Angela broke down and cried. My first instinct was to comfort her, but she was the one who’d done this to me—to us. She was responsible for all the abuse

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that had been flung at me and the beating. Worst of all, it was her fault Angel was gone. I didn’t think I could ever forgive her for that—ever. “At least you have the guts to admit it,” I said finally. She looked up at me with reddened eyes. “I know you’ll never be able to forgive me, and I don’t expect you to. I didn’t realize…and then I couldn’t stop it. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” She stared sobbing again. I turned on my heel and left her crying. “What was all that about?” asked Tommy, who’d stayed out of earshot. “You’re not going to believe this,” I said. When I was done explaining, Tommy was furious. “So this whole thing was because some girl was jealous? She didn’t even see you…” “It was all just a rumor. All the shit I’ve gone through was caused by a stupid, fucking rumor. And now Angel’s gone forever.” We were at Tommy’s house by then. He held me in his arms as I cried. ✶

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“There’s a letter for you from Angel,” said Mom as I entered the kitchen. “I found it stuffed in the back door this morning.” I quickly took it from her and ran out to the tree house. I climbed the ladder, locked myself in, and ripped it open.

Dear Kurt, I hope you get this letter before you go to school. I had a talk with Noah Taber last night and I gave him a letter to pass around at school. I know you’re not going to like it, but the only way I could think of to make everything okay for you is to make everyone think I’m the queer. I couldn’t bear seeing you abused anymore. I’ve been a coward. I know I should’ve stood by you when all this started, but I just didn’t have the courage. I couldn’t take everyone hating me. It wasn’t all cowardice, though. You see, Adam and the others killed Matt Taber because they found out he was like us. I was afraid they’d come after you, and the only way I could think to save you was to pretend I hated you, too. I even managed to convince Adam that I especially had it in for you and made him promise I’d get to be in on the “fun.” Adam bought it and said it was a chance for me to redeem myself and prove my loyalty.

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I was there the night they killed Matt, but as I told you, I didn’t do it. I tried to stop it and nearly got myself killed for it. I didn’t know what they were going to do to him until they started beating him. That’s when I tried to put an end to it, but they held me back. I fought, but with one of them holding each of my arms I couldn’t break free. There wasn’t anything I could do. I had to just stand there and watch them kill him. I really think they would’ve killed me too if Adam wasn’t so obsessed with baseball. Jesse wanted to kill me. He argued hard for it, but Adam told him ‘no,’ and what Adam says goes. If I wasn’t a kick-ass first baseman, I think they would’ve offed me. It’s kind of weird, isn’t it, that baseball saved my life? I had to watch it after that. I wanted out of Adam’s little gang, but if they even suspected I might tell about what I’d seen, they would’ve killed me for sure. That’s why I wouldn’t talk to you about the night Matt died. I didn’t want to put you in danger. I would’ve taken the secret to my grave, probably, if it hadn’t been for them coming after you. I know I should’ve gone straight to the cops after they’d killed Matt, but I was too scared. I just didn’t know what to do, and Adam said he’d make sure he took me down with them if I ever opened my mouth about it. I sent a letter to the cops before coming here tonight, telling them exactly what happened the night Matt died. I gave them all the names. Hopefully, it will be enough to put Adam and all those assholes behind bars for a long time, but who knows? If not, they’ll kill me for sure, so I have to leave. I’d take that risk to stay with you, because I love you more than anything, but there’s more to the situation than that. Me being here wouldn’t stop the name calling and abuse. Even if I admitted to being a homo, too, it still wouldn’t stop it. Maybe it would be easier to take because we were in it together, but it wouldn’t end it. The only way I could think of to end it is to take the blame myself. In the letter I gave to Noah, it says that I’m the queer, not you. It says…well, you’ll read it, so you’ll know. I told Noah who killed his brother. I told him how I wanted to stop it, but couldn’t. He actually thanked me for trying to save his little brother. I wish I could’ve. Anyway, it feels good to get it all off my chest. I love you, Kurt, more than anything else. I’ll always love you. I’d give my life to stay with you, but Blackford isn’t ready for two boys in love. Even if there was a way to save you without everyone thinking I’m a queer, they’d catch onto us eventually. I mean, they’re not that stupid. Maybe the world

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will change someday. I hope so. Anyway, what I want most of all is for you to be happy. I love you, Kurt. Be happy. Angel P.S. Look for me on graduation day. I know it’s a long time off, but I’ll be there. No matter where I am in the world, I’ll come back, and maybe when I leave again, you’ll come with me.

Tears were streaming from my eyes as I finished the letter. I just sat there and cried a good long time. I knew he was gone even before I started reading it, but somehow his letter made it more real and final. I had to accept the fact that Angel was gone. But he’d be back someday. I knew he’d keep his word. Graduation seemed like a lifetime away, but that day would come. I’d always love Angel, always feel him in my heart. You don’t love someone the way I loved Angel and forget about it in a day. You remember for the rest of your life. When he returned, I’d be waiting.

A note on suicide from the author: Suicide is never the right answer. There are always alternatives. It’s easy to think that there is no other way out of a situation, but it simply isn’t true. Suicide is often the result of emotional pain exceeding an individual’s ability to cope with that pain. Suicide has been called a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Kurt is an excellent example of this. He sought to kill himself because he thought his life was over. He thought he’d lost the only boy he’d ever loved. If he had taken his own life, he would have never discovered that Angel did love him and that they would be together again. None of us can see into the future. We may believe we know what’s going to happen, but we can never truly know what is to come. That’s only one of the many reasons why suicide is never the answer. If you’re considering suicide, do yourself and those around you a favor, seek help before you reach the point where your coping skills can’t handle what’s going on in your life. The following is a list of toll free numbers where you can get the help you need. If you’re thinking about suicide, call now. Some numbers are answered 24 hours a day, others are not, but there is always a number to call. Many of the numbers below are especially for gay teens, but older individuals shouldn’t hesitate to call. If for some reason one number doesn’t work, try the next! Adolescent Suicide: 1-800-621-4000 Covenant House (also suicide): 1-800-999-9999 Girls and Boys Town National Hotline: 1-800-448-3000 National Crisis Line: 1-866-334-4357 National Hope Line Network: 1-800-784-2433 National Hotline for Gay Teens: 1-800-969-6884 Teen Line Hotline Help Center: 1-888-747-8336 Trevor Project (suicide and counseling hotline): 1-800-850-8078 Remember, you can also call 911 and ask for a suicide hotline. Additional numbers can be found by searching the Internet and the yellow pages. A search for “gay youth suicide hotline” or simply “youth suicide hotline”, will - 237 -

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bring up links to other places you can get help. The key is to get help, because life is worth living.

OTHER BOOKS BY MARK A. ROEDER LISTED IN SUGGESTED READING ORDER Gay Youth Chronicles: Ancient Prejudice Break to New Mutiny Mark is a boy who wants what we all want: to love and be loved. His dreams are realized when he meets Taylor, the boy of his dreams. The boys struggle to keep their love hidden from a world that cannot understand, but ultimately, no secret is safe in a small Mid-western town. Ancient Prejudice is a story of love, friendship, understanding, and an age-old prejudice that still has the power to kill. It is a story for young and old, gay and straight. It reminds us all that everyone should be treated with dignity and respect and that there is nothing greater than the power of love.

The Soccer Field Is Empty The Soccer Field Is Empty is a revised and much expanded edition of Ancient Prejudice. It is more than 50% longer and views events from the point of view of Taylor, as well as Mark. There is so much new in the revised edition that it is being published as a separate novel. Soccer Field delves more deeply into the events of Mark and Taylor’s lives and reveals previously hidden aspects of Taylor’s personality. Authors note: I suggest readers new to my books start with Soccer Field instead of Ancient Prejudice as it gives a more complete picture of the lives of Mark and Taylor. For those who wish to read the original version, Ancient Prejudice will remain available for at least the time being.

Someone Is Watching It’s hard hiding a secret. It’s even harder keeping that secret when someone else knows. - 239 -

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Someone Is Watching is the story of Ethan, a young high school wrestler who must come to terms with being gay. He struggles first with himself, then with an unknown classmate that hounds his every step. While struggling to discover the identity of his tormentor, Ethan must discover his own identity and learn to live his life as his true self. He must choose whether to give up what he wants the most, or face his greatest fear of all.

A Better Place High school football, a hospital of horrors, a long journey, and an unlikely love await Brendan and Casper as they search for a better place… Casper is the poorest boy in school. Brendan is the captain of the football team. Casper has nothing. Brendan has it all: looks, money, popularity, but he lacks the deepest desire of his heart. The boys come from different worlds, but have one thing in common that no one would guess. Casper goes through life as the “invisible boy”; invisible to the boys that pick on him in school, invisible to his abusive father, and invisible most of all to his older brother, who makes his life a living hell. He can’t believe his good luck when Brendan, the most popular boy in school, takes an interest in him and becomes his friend. That friendship soon travels in a direction that Casper would never have guessed. A Better Place is the story of an unlikely pair, who struggle through friendship and betrayal, hardships and heartbreaks, to find the desire of their hearts, to find a better place.

Someone Is Killing The Gay Boys of Verona Someone is killing the gay boys of Verona, Indiana, and only one gay youth stands in the way. He finds himself pitted against powerful foes, but finds allies in places he did not expect. A brutal murder. Gay ghosts. A Haunted Victorian-Mansion. A cult of hate. A hundred year old ax murder. All this, and more, await sixteen-year-old Sean as he delves into the supernatural and races to discover the murderer before he strikes again.

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Someone is Killing the Gay Boys of Verona is a supernatural murder mystery that goes where no gay novel has set foot before. It is a tale of love, hate, friendship, and revenge.

Keeper of Secrets Sixteen-year-old Avery is in trouble, yet again, but this time he’s in over his head. On the run, Avery is faced with hardships and fear. He must become what he’s always hated, just to survive. He discovers new reasons to hate, until fate brings him to Graymoor Mansion and he discovers a disturbing connection to the past. Through the eyes of a boy, murdered more than a century before, Avery discovers that all is not as he thought. Avery is soon forced to face the greatest challenge of all; looking into his own heart. Sean is head over heels in love with his new boyfriend, Nick. There is trouble in paradise, however. Could a boy so beautiful really love plain, ordinary Sean? Sean cannot believe it and desperately tries to transform himself into the ideal young hunk, only to learn that it’s what’s inside that matters. Keeper of Secrets is the story of two boys, one a gay youth, the other an adolescent gay basher. Fate and the pages of a hundred year old journal bring them together and their lives are forever changed.

Do You Know That I Love You The lead singer of the most popular boy band in the world has a secret. A tabloid willing to tell all turns his world upside down. In Do You Know That I Love You, Ralph, a young gay teen living on a farm in Indiana, has an aching crush on a rock star and wants nothing more than to see his idol in concert. Meanwhile, Jordan, the rock star, is lonely and sometimes confused with his success, because all he wants is someone to love him and feels he will never find the love he craves. Do You Know is the story of two teenage boys, their lives, desires, loves, and a shared destiny that allows them both to find peace.

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Masked Destiny Masked Destiny is the story of Skye, a high school athlete determined to be the Alpha male. Skye’s obsessed with his own body, his Abercrombie & Fitch wardrobe, and keeping those around him in their place. Try as he might, he’s not quite able to ignore the world around him, or the plight of gay boys that cross his path. Too frightened of what others might think, Skye fails to intervene when he could have saved a boy with a single word. The resulting tragedy, wise words for a mysterious blond boy, and a unique opportunity combine to push Skye toward his destiny. Oliver is young, a bit pudgy, and interested in little more than his books and possibly his first kiss. As he slowly gains courage, he seeks out the friendship of Clay, his dream boy, in hopes they will become more than friends. Oliver is sought out in turn by Ken, who warns him Clay is not at all what he seems, but Ken, too, has his secrets. Oliver must choose between them and discovers danger, a link to boys murdered in the recent past, and the answers to secrets he’d never dreamed.

This Time Around What happens when a TV evangelist struggles to crush gay rights? Who better to halt his evil plans than the most famous rock star in the world? This Time Around follows Jordan and Ralph as they become involved in a struggle with Reverend Wellerson, a TV evangelist, over the fate of gay youth centers. Wellerson is willing to stop at nothing to crush gay rights and who better to halt his evil plans than the most famous rock star in the entire world? While battling Wellerson, Jordan seeks to come to terms with his own past and learn more about the father he never knew. The excitement builds when an assassin is hired and death becomes a real possibility for Jordan and those around him. Jordan is forced to face his own fears and doubts and the battle within becomes more dangerous than the battle without. Will Jordan be able to turn from the path of destruction, or is he doomed to follow in the footsteps of his father? This time around, things will be different.

The Summer of My Discontent The Summer of My Discontent is a tapestry of tales delving into life as a gay teen in a small Midwestern town.

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Dane is a sixteen-year-old runaway determined to start a new life of daring, love, and sex—no matter the cost to himself, or others. His actions bring him to the brink of disaster and only those he sought to prey upon can save him. Among Dane’s new found “friends” are a young male prostitute and the local grave robber who becomes his despised employer. The boys of A Better Place are back—Ethan, Nathan, Brendan, and Casper are once again dealing with trouble in Verona, Indiana. Drought and circumstance threaten their existence and they struggle together to save themselves from blackmail, financial collapse, and temptation. Brendan must cope with anonymity after being one of the most popular boys in school. Casper must face his own past—the loss of his father and the fate of his abusive brother, who is locked away in the very hospital of horrors from which Brendan escaped. Letters from his brother force Casper to question his feelings— is Jason truly a monster or can he change? Dark, foreboding, and sexy—The Summer of My Discontent is the tale of gay teens seeking to find themselves, each other, and a better place.

Outfield Menace Outfield Menace is the tale of Kurt, a fifteen-year-old baseball player, living in a small, 1950s, Indiana town. During a confrontation with Angel, the resident bad boy of Blackford High School, Kurt attacks Angel, earning the wrath of the most dangerous gang in town. When Angel finally corners Kurt, however, something happens that Kurt wouldn’t have imagined in his wildest dreams. As the murder of a local boy is uncovered, suspicion is cast upon Angel, but Kurt has learned there’s more to Angel than his bad boy image. Angel has a secret, however, that could get both Kurt and himself killed. Outfield Menace is a story of friendship, love, adventure, and perilous danger.

Phantom World Toby Riester is sixteen, gay, and searching for his first boyfriend. He discovers many potential candidates—Orlando, a cute sixteen year old boy of Latin ancestry who works with Toby at the Phantom World amusement park—C.T., a blond, seventeen year old who is obviously gay—and Spike, a well-built sixteen

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year old from the internet. Each boy has his own seductive qualities and each is more than his seems. One of them, however, is far more dangerous than Toby ever guessed. Orlando finds himself a girlfriend at Phantom World, but that’s only the beginning of his story. When he meets his girlfriend’s twin brother, Kerry, his world is turned upside down. Mackenzie Riester is the athletic younger brother of Toby. He has little respect for his queer big brother and joins with his new found friend, Billy, in playing an elaborate practical joke on Toby that becomes more perilous than he ever dreamed. Phantom World is the story of three very different boys—their triumphs, heartaches, and their search for love and acceptance.

Other Books The Vampires Heart Ever wonder what it would be like to be fifteen-years-old forever? Ever wonder how it would feel to find out your best friend is not what he seems? Graham Granger is intrigued by the new boy in school. Graham’s heart aches for a friend, and maybe a boyfriend, but is Josiah the answer to his dreams? Why is Bry Hartnett, the school hunk, taking an interest in Graham as well? When strange happenings begin to occur at Griswold Jr./Sr. High, Graham’s once boring life becomes more exciting than he can handle. Mystery, intrigue, and danger await Graham as he sets out on an adventure he never dreamed possible.

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