How to Fail: The Self Hurt Guide

HOW TO FAIL: THE SELF-HURT GUIDE !"#$%&'"()"**+,-".,/01*+2 !Attention mom, The Pope, rabbis, priests, and future would-...

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HOW TO FAIL: THE SELF-HURT GUIDE !"#$%&'"()"**+,-".,/01*+2

!Attention mom, The Pope, rabbis, priests, and future would-be employers everywhere: nasty word warning! How to Fail is lurid and HILARIOUS." - THE HEDONIST JIVE

!How To Fail is at once a foray into the depths of spiritual bankruptcy and the foremost authority on boner genres." - TIM CALPIN, screenwriter, Assassination of a High School President

!Ladies, whether you're daddy's little princess, or daddy's little demon, this is the book for you." - KELLY DOOLEY, Founder, BodyRock Sport Q3435"777E!!8$#D$'9>!8(EH$F">$8"F$8&" 3#>$8F!53$#"$#"5634"!#9"J8,$K8,'%$68,,%E !""#$%&'()*$+,$ -."/"0).1,$20/1,$3&'()*'4

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO FAIL TO WRITE A COHESIVE INTRODUCTION

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3

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

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5

2 | HOW TO FAIL

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7

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HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO FAIL TO NOT GET MISTAKEN FOR A BUM

,"-.%&%/*0+12# Q>HUWC" >" V?>?H5>@" >?>@3C8F" " S54C8D?" O1J@A" C>3" C7DWC" >" b71IDI>UD4d"5B"C7D"O>C"1?"3-**(%/1%B/52'$*">?A"->e>U">CUDA" 7D4N"O71"8>UDC"H>4D"1B"87D54"A>J678D4"%??>"AJ45?6"87D"A>3F"" &7D3"@5ED"5?"`DD7>OUD?"=3"87D".]"`>8D4O>3"BD443"8D4I5?>@" >?A" 87D" 1?HD" C58D" 1B" 87D"%@DG>?AD4" $>I5@81?p%>41?" *J44" AJD@F""&7D3">4D"2@>??5?6"81"I1ED"81">"=56"71JCD"5?"-714875@@C" 14"a5@@=J4?"=DB14D"%??>"4D>H7DC"U5?AD46>48D?F """ /2*13%&%(0*# SD587WC">"84>AD4"5?"a5A81O?F""'45?WC">?"5?EDC8ID?8"=>?UD4"7$" `>@@"-84DD8"=J8"?18"/$"`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eJ=F""Q1=F""%"=J8H7D4N">"=>UD4N">"H>?A@DC85HU"I>UD4F""%" =>?UD4N">"@>O3D4N">"84>AD4N">"C84522D4F""+D8WC"=D"71?DC8N"31J4" 1HHJ2>851?"5C"=145?6F"",8WC"64D>8"5B"31J"@5UD"58F"",8WC"64D>8"5B"31J" 24D8D?A"81"@5UD"58F"",8WC"4D>@@3"64D>8"5B"31J"O14U"611A"71J4C" >?A"I>UD"611A"I1?D3F""*J8","A1?W8"?DDA"81"7D>4">=1J8"58F"" " ,"7>8D"O7D?",WI"I>U5?6"H1?ED4C>851?">?A"O7D?"58" H1IDC"81"87D"b`7>8"A1"31J"A1cd"214851?"1B"87D"?DO"B45D?A" 5?8D4E5DON"C>5A"?DO"B45D?A"J?@D>C7DC">"8144D?8"1B"2DA>?85HN"

9

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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11

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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13

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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17

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO FAIL

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19

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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21

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%

HOW TO FAIL

THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

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23

FOOTCHAPTER 2 |

HOW TO GO INSANE AND GARNER VOICES IN YOUR HEAD

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25

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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27

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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29

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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31

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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33

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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35

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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37

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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39

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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41

3 | HOW TO FAIL

TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS PROUD OF YOU

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43

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO FAIL TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS PROUD OF YOU

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45

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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47

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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49

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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51

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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53

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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55

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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57

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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59

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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61

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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63

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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65

FOOTCHAPTER 3 |

HOW TO FAIL TO WRITE COMMERCIAL MATERIAL

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67

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO FAIL

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TO WRITE COMMERCIAL MATERIAL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO FAIL TO WRITE COMMERCIAL MATERIAL

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71

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HOW TO FAIL

THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

4 | HOW TO FAIL

TO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE ALL DAY

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73

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO FAIL TO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE ALL DAY

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75

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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77

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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79

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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81

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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83

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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85

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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87

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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89

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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91

FOOTCHAPTER 4A |

HOW TO GET AN ADDICTION

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93

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HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

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95

FOOTCHAPTER 4B |

HOW TO MASTURBATE AT WORK

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97

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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99

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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101

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HOW TO FAIL

THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

5 | HOW TO FAIL

TO LIVE IN A HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT

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103

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

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109

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO FAIL TO LIVE IN A HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT

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111

FOOTCHAPTER 5A |

HOW TO LOCATE AND FIND YOURSELF PAYING RENT TO A SLUMLORD

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113

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HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO LOCATE

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115

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO LOCATE

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HOW TO FAIL

THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

FOOTCHAPTER 5B |

HOW TO HAVE FUCKED UP NEIGHBORS

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119

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO HAVE FUCKED UP NEIGHBORS

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121

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

6 | HOW TO FAIL IN LOVE

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

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125

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO FAIL IN LOVE

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127

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO FAIL IN LOVE

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129

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO FAIL IN LOVE

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131

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO FAIL IN LOVE

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135

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO FAIL IN LOVE

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137

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO FAIL IN LOVE

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139

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO FAIL IN LOVE

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141

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO FAIL IN LOVE

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145

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

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147

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

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149

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO FAIL IN LOVE

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HOW TO FAIL

THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

FOOTCHAPTER 6A |

HOW TO GET USURPED BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S EX

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153

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO GET USURPED BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S EX

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155

FOOTCHAPTER 6B |

HOW TO HAVE A SORDID PAST

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157

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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159

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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161

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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163

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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165

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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167

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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169

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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171

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

7 | HOW TO FAIL

ALL THE WAY TO ROCK BOTTOM

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173

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO FAIL ALL THE WAY TO ROCK BOTTOM

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175

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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177

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179

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181

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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183

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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185

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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187

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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189

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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191

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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193

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HOW TO FAIL

THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

PART TWO | UWS

8 | HOW TO LIVE ON A COUCH

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197

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

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199

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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201

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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203

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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205

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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207

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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209

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

FOOTCHAPTER 8 |

HOW TO AVOID YOUR EX IN A SMALL TOWN

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211

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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213

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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HOW TO FAIL

THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

9 | HOW TO FAIL

TO EXTEND YOUR FAMILY TREE

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217

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO FAIL TO EXTEND YOUR FAMILY TREE

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219

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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221

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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223

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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229

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

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231

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO FAIL IN BED

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233

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO FAIL IN BED

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235

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO FAIL IN BED

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237

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239

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO GET LAID ON A COUCH

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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243

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

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247

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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249

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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251

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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253

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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HOW TO FAIL

THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

FOOTCHAPTER 10 |

HOW TO ACQUIRE THE STD THAT’S RIGHT FOR YOU

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257

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO ACQUIRE

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THE STD THAT’S RIGHT FOR YOU

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259

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261

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO BE HAUNTED BY DEMONS

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263

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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265

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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267

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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269

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO BE

"

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271

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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273

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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275

H1IDA3"=D">=1J8">"I>?"O71"5C"@58D4>@@3"?DJ8D4DAF CHD?D"B41I"R/%O"C"!A%]*+%O"C"!"=3"`DC@D3"#F"$>4A5?T INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Sarah and James kiss.

SARAH I’ve wanted this for so long.

JAMES You don’t know the half of it. Or the full of it for that matter.

Sarah removes James shirt.

SARAH I love your skin. hairless.

So smooth and

JAMES Hairlessness is all the rage now, isn’t it? Heh heh.

HOW TO FAIL

SARAH Other men don’t care about my needs. About getting their gross hair all over me.

THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO BE

Oh, I do.

SARAH

HAUNTED BY DEMONS

JAMES

I think I love you for that.

Sarah removes James pants.

JAMES Slow down.

Sarah removes James’s boxer shorts.

JAMES Slow down!

Her eyes bulge.

Where is his bulge?

SARAH Where...where...where is it?

JAMES That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you since our first date.

277

SARAH I loved that date. I’ve never dirty danced so close before. You didn’t even get a boner.

JAMES That’s the thing. “the thing.”

Or rather, I lack

SARAH Huh?

JAMES I’m a eunuch. Sarah looks down at James’s groin then back up to his eyes. She smiles.

SARAH Frankly my dear, I don’t give a shit.

They kiss.

HOW TO FAIL

CUT TO:

THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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279

HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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281

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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283

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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285

FOOTCHAPTER 11A |

HOW TO BE AIMLESS AND UNINSPIRED

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287

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289

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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291

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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293

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

FOOTCHAPTER 11B |

HOW TO PISS PEOPLE OFF, ALIENATE YOURSELF, AND END UP ALONE

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295

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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297

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299

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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HOW TO FAIL

THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

12 | HOW TO HAVE

A NEGATIVE NET AND SELF-WORTH

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

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Dear Sir or Madam: After your repeated disobeyance of the stipulations of your credit card agreement with us, we have no recourse but to revoke your membership to [Credit] Card. Please destroy the card for your own safety…

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309

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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315

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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HOW TO FAIL

THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

FOOTCHAPTER 12 |

HOW TO NETWORK

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319

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO NETWORK

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321

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO NETWORK

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323

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

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325

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO NETWORK

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327

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO NETWORK

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329

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HOW TO FAIL

THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

13 | HOW TO FAIL TO BE NORMAL

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331

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO FAIL TO BE NORMAL

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333

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HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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HOW TO FAIL

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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339

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HOW TO FAIL

THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

FOOTCHAPTER 13A |

HOW TO BE A HYPOCHONDRIAC WITHOUT HEALTH CARE

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341

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO BE A HYPOCHONDRIAC WITHOUT HEALTH CARE

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343

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HOW TO FAIL

THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

FOOTCHAPTER 13B |

HOW TO GROW APART FROM YOUR FRIENDS

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345

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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347

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE


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HOW TO FAIL

THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

14 | HOW TO FAIL TO FAIL

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351

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO FAIL TO FAIL

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353

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO FAIL TO FAIL

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355

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO FAIL TO FAIL

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357

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

HOW TO FAIL TO FAIL

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HOW TO FAIL

THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

EPILOGUE | HOW TO WRITE

A SUCCESSFUL BOOK AND BECOME RICH

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THE SELF-HURT GUIDE

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR AARON GOLDFARB

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HOW TO FAIL: THE SELF-HURT GUIDE !"#$%&'"()"**+,-".,/01*+2

!Attention mom, The Pope, rabbis, priests, and future would-be employers everywhere: nasty word warning! How to Fail is lurid and HILARIOUS." - THE HEDONIST JIVE

!How To Fail is at once a foray into the depths of spiritual bankruptcy and the foremost authority on boner genres." - TIM CALPIN, screenwriter, Assassination of a High School President

!Ladies, whether you're daddy's little princess, or daddy's little demon, this is the book for you." - KELLY DOOLEY, Founder, BodyRock Sport Q3435"777E!!8$#D$'9>!8(EH$F">$8"F$8&" 3#>$8F!53$#"$#"5634"!#9"J8,$K8,'%$68,,%E !""#$%&'()*$+,$ -."/"0).1,$20/1,$3&'()*'4

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