Desert Places

In 1978 R o b y n Davidson visited, quite by chance, a camel fair in Pushkar, Rajasthan. T h e r e she found herself amidst the pastoral n o m a d s of n o r t h - w e s t India, thousands of w h o m had congregated to b u y and sell their animals. She was o n h e r way to E n g l a n d to w r i t e her celebrated b o o k , Tracks, about traversing the deserts of Australia t h r o u g h tribal Aboriginal land — a j o u r n e y that left h e r obsessed w i t h n o m a d i s m , a way of life that has b e e n w i t h us since o u r origins b u t was about to disappear. As soon as she saw t h e Rajasthani n o m a d s , she w a n t e d to a c c o m p a n y t h e m o n a year's m i g r a t o r y cycle t h r o u g h the T h a r Desert. T h e wish t o o k the f o r m of an image — sand-dunes, sunsets, m e n in red turbans and w o m e n in p i n k muslin decorated w i t h silver - a romantic ideal. A decade later she was given an o p p o r t u n i t y to live o u t that wish. B u t it was to take years, and a series of false starts, before she was able to j o i n a d a n g o n migration. For the R a b a r i , w h o had always survived harsh conditions, life had b e c o m e increasingly g r i m . T h e loss of grazing lands, n e w political boundaries, and t h e constant threat of thefts, murders and arrests m e a n t that migration had b e c o m e a treacherous business. S o m e herders had decided to sell most of their animals and n o t migrate, others to travel w i t h o u t w o m e n , still others to a b a n d o n their traditional means of livelihood, drift to t h e cities and find j o b s . All were nervous about t h e responsibility of having a w h i t e w o m a n w i t h t h e m . B u t in 1992 R o b y n Davidson was finally accepted i n t o a g r o u p in Gujarat and they set off. She was d e t e r m i n e d to live as they lived, to 'enter the frame'. W h i c h m e a n t that she t o o slept a m o n g five thousand sheep, drank G u i n e a - w o r m - i n f e s t e d water, survived o n goats' milk and roti. B u t it was n o t so m u c h t h e physical discomforts w h i c h exhausted her as t h e isolation i m p o s e d by t h e lack of a c o m m o n language. Yet solitude was denied h e r t o o and crowds gathered wherever she w e n t . It b e c a m e a j o u r n e y of extremity and sickness and frightening rages. Sometimes t h e countryside was beguiling, sometimes brutalized, b u t always a place in w h i c h desperate p e o p l e fought over few r e m a i n i n g resources. Any lingering romanticism c o n c e r n i n g Indian rural life was destroyed. B u t a p r o f o u n d respect and affection for h e r hosts was forged. (continued

on back

flap)

£18.00

BY THE SAME

AUTHOR

Tracks Ancestors Travelling Light

R O B Y N

DAVIDSON

Desert Places

VIKING

VIKING Published by the Penguin Group Penguin Books Ltd, 27 Wrights Lane, London w8 5 T Z , England Penguin Books U S A Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, U S A Penguin Books Australia Ltd, Ringwood, Victoria, Australia Penguin Books Canada Ltd, 10 Alcorn Avenue, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4.V 3B2 Penguin Books ( N Z ) Ltd, 182-190 Wairau Road, Auckland 10, New Zealand Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: Harmondsworth, Middlesex, England First published 1996 1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2 First edition Copyright © Robyn Davidson, 1996 The moral right of the author has been asserted

ISBN O-67O-84077—7

They cannot scare me with their empty

spaces

Between stars — on stars where no human race is. I have it in me so much nearer home To scare myself with my own desert places. R o b e r t Frost, ' D e s e r t P l a c e s '

Prelude M e m o r y is a c a p r i c i o u s t h i n g . T h e I n d i a I v i s i t e d i n 1978 consists of images of doubtful authenticity held together in a g r o u n d of forgetfulness. I d o n ' t k n o w h o w o r w h y I e n d e d u p i n t h e m e d i ­ eval lanes o f P u s h k a r , i n R a j a s t h a n , d u r i n g o n e o f t h e m o s t i m p o r t ­ a n t festivals i n t h e H i n d u calendar. B u t I ' m a l m o s t sure I w a s t h e only European around. T h e c r o w d w a s a d e l u g e d r o w n i n g i n d i v i d u a l w i l l . It u n m o o r e d t h i n g s from t h e i r m e a n i n g s . T u r b a n s a n d tinsel, c o w h o r n s l y r e s h a p e d a n d p a i n t e d b l u e , t h e fangs o f a m o n k e y , eyes t h u m b e d w i t h kohl looking into m y o w n before b o b b i n g u n d e r the torrent, a c o r n e r o f s o m e t h i n g c a r v e d i n s t o n e , h a n d s c l u t c h i n g a r e d veil, a d a c o i t p l a y i n g a n A r a b i a n scale o n his flute, his y a r d s o f m o u s t a c h e t o i l e d i n c o n c e n t r i c circles o n his c h e e k s — all t h e s e e l e m e n t s sinking and reappearing, breaking and recombining, b o r n e along by the will of the c r o w d in w h i c h a w h i r l p o o l was forming, suck­ i n g m e t o its c e n t r e . A b e g g a r w a s l y i n g o n his b a c k . H i s legs w e r e b r o k e n

and

folded, p e r m a n e n t l y , i n t o his g r o i n . H e m o v e d sideways a l o n g t h e l a n e , u s i n g t h e a r t i c u l a t i o n s o f his s p i n e , t h r o u g h g a r b a g e

and

faeces, d r a w i n g his flotsam a l o n g w i t h h i m , r o l l i n g his eyes b a c k ­ w a r d s i n his h e a d a n d m u t t e r i n g m a n t r a s , o r p e r h a p s n o n s e n s e . H e w o r e a w h i t e d h o t i a n d his b o d y w a s w h i t e n e d w i t h ash. H i s t u r b a n w a s p a r r o t g r e e n a n d I t h i n k I r e m e m b e r m a k e - u p o n his face, t h o u g h I m a y h a v e p a i n t e d it o n afterwards. A p a r r o t t o o k c o i n s f r o m t h e t e n t a c l e s o f a r m s s w i r l i n g a b o v e it a n d p l a c e d t h e m i n a b o w l o n its master's s t o m a c h . I b r e a s t e d t h r o u g h t h e c r o w d , past t h e l i m b s o f street sleepers j u m b l e d i n s h a d o w s , h i n d e r e d b y h a n d s a n d i m p r e c a t i o n s , o u t at last t o air. 1

Y o u c a n w a l k for m o n t h s i n Australia w i t h o u t m e e t i n g a single h u m a n . T h o u s a n d s of miles e m p t y of footprints, u n b u r d e n e d by history's m i s t a k e s . T h r o u g h a n association w i t h t h e o r i g i n a l i n h a b i t ­ ants I h a d l e a r n t t o see t h a t w i l d e r n e s s as a g a r d e n — m a n ' s p r i m o r ­ dial h o m e b e f o r e t h e p l o u g h . T h e tracks o f t h e a n c e s t o r s m a p p e d it a n d gave it m e a n i n g so t h a t h o w e v e r far a n i n d i v i d u a l m i g h t travel f r o m t h e p l a c e o f o r i g i n , i n t h e d e e p e s t possible sense h e o r s h e w a s forever at h o m e i n t h e w o r l d . I n A b o r i g i n a l s o c i e t y e v e r y ­ o n e r e c e i v e d a share o f g o o d s a n d t h e o n l y h i e r a r c h y w a s o n e b a s e d o n a c c u m u l a t e d k n o w l e d g e t o w h i c h e v e r y o n e c o u l d aspire. T h e A u s t r a l i a n d e s e r t a n d t h e h u n t e r - g a t h e r e r s w h o t r a n s l a t e d it h a d so i n f o r m e d m y spirit t h a t t h e c r o w d s o f P u s h k a r w e r e u n n a t ­ ural and frightening to m e - evidence that agriculture h a d b e e n m y species' greatest b l u n d e r . T h o u s a n d s o f c a m e l s w e r e t e t h e r e d o n hills s u r r o u n d i n g t h e t o w n . N o m a d s h a d c o m e h e r e f r o m all over n o r t h I n d i a to b u y a n d sell t h e i r a n i m a l s . I c l i m b e d u p t o t h e i r e n c a m p m e n t s , a w a y f r o m t h e r i v e r o f souls. W h e n I r e a c h e d t h e crest o f t h e hill I t u r n e d t o l o o k b a c k . A full m o o n h a d risen. T h e r u m b l e o f t h e c r o w d was muffled

u n d e r a layer o f p i n k d u s t . T h e r e w a s a

s e n s a t i o n o f s u s p e n s i o n . All a r o u n d m e

c a m e l s sat

peacefully

chewing the cud. Groups of m e n lounged back o n the

sand

s h a r i n g c h i l l u m s . A w o m a n called m e o v e r t o h e r fire. H e r dress w a s a s u n s e t o f reds, p i n k s a n d silver. W h e n s h e m o v e d , o r n a ­ m e n t s rattled. A veil w a s d r a p e d o v e r a c o n t r a p t i o n i n h e r h a i r so t h a t it p e a k e d like a pixie's h a t . H a d she p u l l e d o u t a w a n d a n d offered m e t h r e e w i s h e s , I w o u l d n o t h a v e f o u n d h e r m o r e fantastic. S h e flung d o w n a c a m e l - h a i r m a t , t u g g e d m e o n t o it a n d s e e m e d t o b e a s k i n g if I w o u l d s w a p m y n e c k l a c e for h e r silver o n e . I t r i e d t o e x p l a i n t h a t h e r s w o u l d b e m o r e v a l u a b l e t h a n m i n e a n d , d e s p i t e h e r e n t r e a t y t o stay l o n g e r , w a n d e r e d away. B u t a w i s h w a s f o r m i n g . It t o o k t h e s h a p e o f a n i m a g e . I w a s b u i l d i n g a little c o o k i n g fire i n t h e s h e l t e r o f soft, p i n k d u n e s , far away f r o m a n y t h i n g b u t a w o r l d o f sand. It was t w i l i g h t , t h e lyrical h o u r . T h e n o m a d s w e r e g a t h e r i n g b e s i d e m e b y t h e fire. T h e r e w a s fluency a n d lightness b e t w e e n us. W e h a d w a l k e d a l o n g w a y t o g e t h e r . T h e i m a g e e x a l t e d t h e spirit w i t h its spareness a n d its 2

r e p o s e . M y o n l y e x c u s e for h a v i n g it is t h a t I w a s y o u n g , a n d y o u t h is v u l n e r a b l e t o R o m a n t i c s e n t i m e n t . I m a d e s o m e i n q u i r i e s . T h e n o m a d s w e r e called R a i k a

or

R a b a r i a n d t h e y h e r d e d c a m e l s a n d s o m e t i m e s s h e e p . T h e r e was a folklorist

in J o d h p u r w h o

knew

everything about

them

and

w o u l d b e happy to answer m y queries b u t was busy entertaining a F r e n c h j o u r n a l i s t t h a t w e e k . I h a d e i g h t days left i n I n d i a . F r e n c h journalist notwithstanding, I had to try m y luck. T h e only o t h e r E u r o p e a n o n the plane was a French w o m a n . So w h e n she w e n t t o shake hands w i t h a personification o f ele­ g a n c e dressed i n b l a c k j o d h p u r s , b l a c k k u r t a , b l a c k sunglasses a n d b l a c k m o u s t a c h e — w h o , m i n u s t h e sunglasses, m i g h t h a v e s t e p p e d o u t of a Persian miniature o n to t h e tarmac — I b u r i e d m y reti­ c e n c e , f o l l o w e d h e r a n d said, ' E x c u s e m e . Y o u are t h e folklorist, M r Gomal Khotari?' ' N o , b u t I k n o w K h o t a r i S a h i b v e r y well.' T h e r e w a s a p a u s e , then, 'Haven't w e m e t s o m e w h e r e before?' S o m e t i m e s it s e e m s as if a l a r g e r p o w e r gives a d a m n w h a t y o u d o w i t h y o u r life. O n e m i n u t e y o u are m e a n d e r i n g a l o n g t h e r o a d y o u h a v e c h o s e n , t h e n s u d d e n l y y o u are s h o v e d u p a side street w h e r e small e n t i c e m e n t s , like c r u m b s laid d o w n for a b i r d , e n c o u r ­ a g e y o u t o b e l i e v e t h a t y o u are m e a n t t o travel i n this d i r e c t i o n t h o u g h y o u c a n see n o t h i n g familiar u p a h e a d . I g l a n c e d at t h e s u r r o u n d i n g strangeness, at this least f o r g e t t a b l e o f c r e a t u r e s a n d said, 'I s h o u l d n ' t t h i n k so.' ' B u t o f c o u r s e , y o u are t h e w o m a n w h o w a l k e d across Australia w i t h s o m e c a m e l s . I've j u s t b e e n r e a d i n g a b o u t y o u . Y o u m u s t c o m e a n d stay i n m y h o m e . M y f a t h e r w i l l b e d e l i g h t e d t o m e e t y o u . H o w o d d t h a t y o u s h o u l d a r r i v e h e r e j u s t as I w a s t h i n k i n g o f w r i t i n g to you.' You d o n ' t have to believe in o m e n s to b e seduced by t h e m . H e was s o m e sort of n o b l e m a n a n d s o m e sort of politician b u t h e m i g h t h a v e b e e n f r o m Sirius, so i m p e n e t r a b l y O t h e r d i d h e s e e m t o m e t h e n . I p e r c h e d i n t h e b a c k o f his W o r l d W a r T w o j e e p w h i c h b u m p e d t h r o u g h t h e d u s t t o a large, r e d - s t o n e h o u s e w i t h d a r k r o o m s a n d servants w h o b r o u g h t tea at t h e clap o f hands. T h e N a r e n d r a I k n o w n o w w o u l d n o t h a v e c l a p p e d h a n d s for a 3

s e r v a n t . Yet I see us s i t t i n g i n t h e p a r a d i g m o f r o o m s f r o m w h i c h all o t h e r , i n f e r i o r r o o m s d e r i v e — a h i g h - c e i l i n g e d r o o m c o n t a i n ­ ing a p u n k a h , a black t e l e p h o n e

and a wall-to-wall

mattress

c o v e r e d i n e m b r o i d e r e d b o l s t e r s a n d c u s h i o n s . N a r e n d r a is half r e ­ c l i n e d o n t h e b o l s t e r s a n d c l a p p i n g his h a n d s like s o m e t h i n g o u t o f TTie Arabian

Nights.

Tea d o e s a p p e a r a n d is p l a c e d o n s q u a t ,

o c t a g o n a l tables, o n e e a c h . T h e tables are e d g e d i n silver. A n d t h e r e is N a r e n d r a ' s father, t h e C o l o n e l , dressed i n a r i d i n g outfit, w i t h a n E n g l i s h cap o n his s h a v e n h e a d , b o a s t i n g a b o u t w h a t his chest m e a s u r e m e n t h a d b e e n w h e n h e was y o u n g and giving m e t h e secret o f his p h e n o m e n a l h e a l t h — a c u p o f h o t g h e e at f o u r i n the m o r n i n g followed by push-ups and a ten-mile run. 'I w i l l i n t r o d u c e y o u t o a R a i k a w h o c a n t r a i n a c a m e l t o b r i n g breakfast i n t h e m o r n i n g s . W e w i l l e m p l o y t h a t m a n a n d y o u m u s t c o m e h e r e t o live w i t h us a n d l e a r n e v e r y t h i n g t h e r e is t o k n o w a b o u t c a m e l s . I w i l l b e i n t e r e s t e d t o l e a r n also, t h o u g h I a m m o r e fond of horses. B u t t o m o r r o w y o u a n d I will take t h e j e e p to Jaisalmer.' A n o t h e r p e r s o n c o m e s i n t o t h e r o o m — N a r e n d r a ' s sister, M i n u . S h e is w r a p p e d i n a c o c o o n o f b l u e silk; t h e r e is g o l d i n h e r n o s e , o n h e r a r m s , o n h e r t o e s . S h e is o n e o f t h e m o s t b e a u t i f u l w o m e n I h a v e e v e r s e e n . S h e has s p e n t h e r m a r r i e d life l o c k e d i n p u r d a h i n a castle. S h e has b e e n a l l o w e d o u t n o w t o visit h e r family b e c a u s e she has j u s t m a r r i e d off h e r o n l y d a u g h t e r . T h e C o l o n e l d i d d r i v e m e t o Jaisalmer, a city o f c a r v e d g o l d e n s t o n e set at t h e e d g e o f t h e T h a r . I w a s n o t feeling w e l l — t h e t h i r d w o r l d ' s r e v e n g e o n t h e c o l o n i z e r ' s s t o m a c h . B u t it w o u l d n o t d o to admit to any kind of weakness w h e n in the c o m p a n y of the C o l o n e l . Tales o f his b r a v e r y c o u l d b e h e a r d i n e v e r y village f r o m B i k a n e r t o K o t a . H e w a s illiterate, w i l d l y e c c e n t r i c , c a p a b l e o f guiltless c r u e l t y , a n d t h e e m b o d i m e n t o f t h e v i r t u e s o f a n a n c i e n t w a r r i o r class. W e s t o p p e d t h a t n i g h t i n a t i n y village i n t h e d e s e r t . M y b o n e s w e r e u n h i n g e d b y t h e d r i v e , m y ears a n d n o s e c l o g g e d w i t h g r i t , m y s t o m a c h b e h a v i n g o n l y b y a n effort o f w i l l . T h e C o l o n e l w a s as crisp as a s p r i n g day. I n a d a r k o n e - r o o m e d t a v e r n he ordered food. ' C o l o n e l , I d o n ' t t h i n k I c o u l d . . .' ' N o n s e n s e . It w i l l d o y o u g o o d . ' T w o b o w l s w e r e p l a c e d b y t h e c a n d l e o n a w o o d e n table. O n e 4

v e g e t a b l e c u r r y , o n e m e a t . M y s p o o n k n o c k e d against s o m e t h i n g i n t h e b o w l . I p u l l e d t h e c a n d l e t o w a r d s it. It w a s a n u n d i p p e d goat's h o o f . T h i s is w h a t I r e m e m b e r b u t I d o n o t k n o w

how

m u c h t r u t h t h e r e is i n it. I h a v e n e v e r since s e e n a goat's h o o f i n a c u r r y . A n d n o I n d i a n e a t i n g - h o u s e s I've b e e n i n since h a v e b e e n lit b y so soft a l i g h t o r b e e n as still as a p a i n t i n g . A n d Jaisalmer, s e e n several t i m e s s i n c e t h e n w a s , t h a t first t i m e , a v i s i o n . L a t e r t h e C o l o n e l b o u g h t m e a b o t t l e o f b o o t l e g l i q u o r f r o m s o m e gypsies. T h e s e d i m e n t i n t h e b o t t o m o f t h e b o t d e , h e said, was c r u s h e d pearls. B a c k i n J o d h p u r , w e all a g r e e d t h a t I w o u l d r e t u r n t h e f o l l o w ­ i n g y e a r t o travel w i t h a n d w r i t e a b o u t t h e R a i k a . A n d a v i s i t i n g astrologer s t u d i e d m y stars a n d c o n f i r m e d t h a t I w o u l d a r r i v e i n August. H e was w r o n g . Years passed a n d , w i t h t h e m , a n y desire t o live w i t h n o m a d s . B u t the images of the crippled beggar and the R a i k a w o m a n by h e r fire r e m a i n e d j u x t a p o s e d i n m e m o r y b e c a u s e t h e y w e r e illustra­ tions of persistent preoccupations — freedom a n d restriction, w a n ­ dering and sedentariness. T h i s c e n t u r y has w i t n e s s e d t h e greatest u p h e a v a l s o f p o p u l a t i o n i n m a n ' s h i s t o r y . Yet it is also w i t n e s s i n g t h e e n d o f t r a d i t i o n a l n o m a d i s m , a d e s c r i p t i o n o f reality t h a t has b e e n w i t h us s i n c e o u r b e g i n n i n g s — o u r o l d e s t m e m o r y o f b e i n g . A n d t h e r e are n e w k i n d s o f n o m a d s , n o t p e o p l e w h o are at h o m e e v e r y w h e r e , b u t w h o are at h o m e n o w h e r e . I was o n e o f t h e m . After t h e first a b a n d o n m e n t o f t h e p l a c e o f m y b i r t h I h a d lived i n E n g l a n d , i n A m e r i c a , lost c o u n t o f t h e c o u n t r i e s I h a d v i s i t e d a n d h a d several t i m e s r e t u r n e d t o Australia o n l y t o leave again. S o m e w h e r e i n t h e m i d s t o f t h a t t r e m e n d o u s restlessness I h a d lost t h e sense o f a g r a v i t a t i o n a l c e n t r e , a p l a c e w i t h w h i c h t o c o m p a r e e l s e w h e r e . I n o w felt as m u c h a n a n t h r o p o l o g i s t (mystified, alien, l o n e l y ) at a d i n n e r p a r t y w i t h m y p e e r s , as I d i d w i t h a family o f A b o r i g i n e s e a t i n g w i t c h e t t y g r u b s i n a c r e e k b e d . B y 1989 t h e feeling o f b e i n g c u t off at t h e s o u r c e w a s b e c o m i n g difficult t o t o l e r a t e . I m a d e a d e c i s i o n t o settle i n L o n d o n a n d t o t r y t o l e a r n to belong. B u t w h e n a f r i e n d i n v i t e d m e t o d i n n e r saying t h a t h e h a d a 5

surprise, a n d w h e n the surprise t u r n e d o u t to b e N a r e n d r a w h o w a s six i n c h e s s h o r t e r t h a n I r e m e m b e r e d h i m a n d n o t n e a r l y so a w e s o m e a n d w h o , h a v i n g g r e e t e d m e as if w e h a d s e e n e a c h o t h e r just a m o n t h ago rather than t h e eleven years that h a d passed, r e m i n d e d m e o f m y p r o m i s e t o w r i t e a b o u t t h e R a b a r i a n d i n v i t e d m e t o I n d i a as if it w e r e t h e m o s t u n e x c e p t i o n a l t h i n g i n t h e w o r l d , w h a t c o u l d I d o b u t agree? S o it w a s t h a t s e r e n d i p i t y b e c k o n e d m e a g a i n u p t h a t side alley o f life a n d d o e s n ' t it r e s t o r e faith t o t h i n k t h a t i m p r o b a b l e m e e t i n g s can set a n e w c o u r s e , j u s t w h e n y o u t h i n k t h e r e is n o t h i n g a r o u n d y o u b u t stones? N a r e n d r a assured m e t h a t l i v i n g w i t h t h e n o m a d s w o u l d b e easy e n o u g h t o o r g a n i z e . I c o u l d m e e t a g r o u p at t h e P u s h k a r festival a n d c o m p l e t e a year's m i g r a t o r y c y c l e w i t h t h e m . E a s y p e r h a p s , b u t it w o u l d r e q u i r e m o n e y a n d t h a t w o u l d m e a n g e t t i n g the sponsorship of a magazine and putting up w i t h a photogra­ p h e r o c c a s i o n a l l y . If a small v o i c e w a r n e d against e a t i n g o n e ' s w o r d s (I h a d s w o r n n e v e r t o d o s u c h a t h i n g again) it w a s d r o w n e d out by a chorus of pragmatisms. I

wrote

a proposal; suborned

editors

with

that

twilight-

a n d - d u n e p i c t u r e t h a t h a d b e e n m o u l d e r i n g i n m y m e n t a l attic; signed contracts.

PART

ONE

False Starts

1 A n d a r r i v e d i n I n d i a o n t h e day o f t h e w o r s t c o m m u n a l v i o l e n c e since I n d e p e n d e n c e . T h e images I retained

from

t h e p r e v i o u s visit w e r e

tourist

i m a g e s : festivals, c h i f f o n - c l a d w o m e n , d e c a y i n g castles, p e a c o c k s settling i n d u s t y trees. O r t h e y w e r e o f ' o l d f r i e n d s ' , s t u c k i n i m p r o b a b l e settings like t h o s e c a r d b o a r d carnival c a r t o o n s b e h i n d w h i c h y o u p l a c e y o u r face for t h e p h o t o g r a p h : N a r e n d r a b e i n g l a t h e r e d a n d s h a v e d as h e sits o n a c h a i r o n his l a w n ; M i n u c o v e r ­ i n g h e r face w i t h b l u e silk w h i l e she talks a b o u t t h e r i g h t s o f w o m e n . T h e I n d i a I h a d c o n s t r u c t e d f r o m b o o k s was t o l e r a n t a n d r a t i o n a l — a c o u n t r y w h e r e algebra, g e o m e t r y a n d a s t r o n o m y h a d b e e n s t u d i e d w h i l e E u r o p e sank i n t o its D a r k A g e s , w h e r e chess and t h e decimal system w e r e invented, w h e r e great m e n

and

w o m e n h a d sacrificed t h e m s e l v e s t o a n ideal a n d b u i l t a f u n c t i o n ­ i n g d e m o c r a c y o n t h e r u i n s o f c o l o n i a l i s m , w h e r e different i n t e l l e c ­ tual o p i n i o n s a n d r e l i g i o u s beliefs c o u l d c o - e x i s t i n p e a c e - a n I n d i a t h a t b o r e little r e l a t i o n t o w h a t w a s g o i n g o n o u t s i d e this r o o m . T h e h o t e l television s h o w e d a n g r y crowds r u n n i n g

through

streets, l a t h i - c h a r g i n g p o l i c e m e n , r e l i g i o u s fanatics s h o u t i n g at t h e camera. As p a r t o f its effort t o g a r n e r a v o t e b a n k , a r i g h t - w i n g H i n d u chauvinist party, the Bharatiya Janata Party ( B J P ) , had organized a m a r c h across I n d i a t o A y o d h y a , a small n o r t h e r n t o w n r e v e r e d b y H i n d u s as t h e l e g e n d a r y b i r t h p l a c e o f L o r d R a m . T h e r e t h e y i n t e n d e d to build a t e m p l e o n the exact spot w h e r e there h a p ­ p e n e d to b e a fifteenth-century m o s q u e — t h e B a b r i Masjid. T h e BJP

leader Advani, w h o

headed

the

ten-thousand-kilometre

procession, disported himself in a giant saffron-coloured 9

vehicle

d e s i g n e d t o l o o k like R a m ' s c h a r i o t . H u g e c r o w d s o f H i n d u d e v o ­ tees h a d g a t h e r e d , often a t t a c k i n g M u s l i m n e i g h b o u r h o o d s a l o n g t h e w a y . A d v a n i w a s a r r e s t e d b e f o r e h e a r r i v e d at t h e site w h e r e a h u n d r e d t h o u s a n d k a r sevaks ( H i n d u h o l y v o l u n t e e r s ) w e r e w a i t ­ ing. S o m e of t h e m attempted to s t o r m the mosque. Police o p e n e d fire. T h e c o u n t r y e r u p t e d . P u s h k a r festival w a s a f o r t n i g h t away b u t p e o p l e w e r e b e i n g a d v i s e d n o t t o a t t e n d p o p u l o u s events a n d a n y w a y , t h e r e w a s a p u b l i c t r a n s p o r t strike. It w a s i m p o s s i b l e t o b u y a j e e p i n D e l h i as t h e y h a d all b e e n r e q u i s i t i o n e d b y t h e a r m y . I p a c e d t h e h o t e l r o o m , d e v o u r i n g newspapers a n d television reports, until N a r e n ­ d r a r a n g . H e h a d t o r e t u r n t o his f a r m i n J o d h p u r , t w o days' d r i v e w e s t i n t o R a j a s t h a n . H e c o u l d d r o p m e off i n P u s h k a r o n t h e w a y . W e a r r i v e d t h e r e j u s t i n t i m e t o see h e r d s o f c a m e l s a n d t h e i r R a i k a o w n e r s d i s p e r s i n g i n small g r o u p s , as o r d e r e d b y b a t t e r i e s o f a r m e d police. A s for t h e L a n d o f E n c h a n t m e n t . . . W h e r e o n c e little m a r k e t s h a d c o b b l e d t o g e t h e r , selling e v e r y t h i n g f r o m i n l a i d c a m e l saddles t o c a n t i l e v e r e d bras, t h e r e w e r e n o w r o w s o f p o r t a b l e

western

l a t r i n e s d o n e u p t o l o o k like m a h a r a j a h s ' t e n t s a n d s h o p s selling I'VE

BEEN

T O

PUSHKAR

T-shirts. Foreign tourists appeared t o

o u t n u m b e r locals, m o s t o f w h o m h a d t o d e p e n d o n p u b l i c t r a n s p o r t w h i c h w a s still s t r i k e - b o u n d . T h e A g r i c u l t u r e M i n i s t r y a n d t h e T o u r i s m M i n i s t r y h a d set different d a t e s for t h e fair. T h e n o m a d s c a m e early a n d t h e p i l g r i m s c a m e late. A n y h o p e o f h e a d i n g off w i t h t h e R a i k a was defunct. Narendra went o n to Jodhpur. I waited to meet the p h o t o ­ grapher

Dilip

Mehta

who

had been

commissioned

by

the

m a g a z i n e t o illustrate t h e R a i k a s t o r y . I a l r e a d y k n e w h i m a n d l i k e d h i m . I also k n e w t h a t w r i t e r s a n d p h o t o g r a p h e r s b e l o n g e d t o different

species a n d w h e n p u s h c a m e t o s h o v e , w h i c h

it

i n e v i t a b l y d i d , r e l a t i o n s b e t w e e n t h e m c o u l d g e t a little s t r a i n e d . T h e r e f o r e it w a s i m p o r t a n t t o establish a r a p p o r t w i t h D i l i p as s o o n as possible. I d i d n o t h a v e t h e m e n t a l i t y o f a j o u r n a l i s t . I liked to take m y time, muse, d r e a m — a way of absorbing i n ­ f o r m a t i o n t h a t d r o v e real j o u r n a l i s t s crazy. D i l i p h a d f l o w n i n the night before from H o n g K o n g , o r Lapland, o r s o m e w h e r e , a n d d r i v e n straight h e r e , o n l y t o find t h a t t h e r e w a s n o t h i n g t o p h o t o 10

g r a p h . N e v e r t h e l e s s h e set o f f w i t h his N i k o n s , l o o k i n g like t h u n d e r and got into an altercation w i t h s o m e pilgrims w h o accused h i m o f t a k i n g p i c t u r e s o f w o m e n b a t h i n g i n t h e sacred t a n k .

He

r e t u r n e d t o D e l h i . I fled t o J o d h p u r i n a taxi. T h e r e w e r e larger things to w o r r y about than rapport. T h e night I arrived eight people were m u r d e r e d in c o m m u n a l r i o t s a n d c u r f e w w a s i m p o s e d for t h e first t i m e i n J o d h p u r ' s h i s t o r y . I w a n t e d t o stay i n a h o t e l . T h e C o l o n e l w a n t e d m e t o stay w i t h h i m in the town-house. M i n u

sent w o r d

that I should

stay

w i t h h e r i n G h a n e r a o . A n d N a r e n d r a insisted t h a t I stay o n his f a r m w h e r e t h e r e w a s a o n e - r o o m c o t t a g e , j u s t for m e . I c a v e d i n t o a h o s p i t a l i t y u n i q u e t o I n d i a a n d c h o s e t h e f a r m for its q u i e t . Narendra's house consisted of t w o r o u n d , red-stone j h u m p a s ( v e r n a c u l a r R a j a s t h a n a r c h i t e c t u r e ) w i t h t w o smaller o n e s off e a c h side, all r o o f e d w i t h c o n i c a l t h a t c h a n d j o i n e d b y s t o n e passages. Inside t h e cool w h i t e r o o m s a few h a n d s o m e objects w e r e distribu­ t e d , s i m p l e a n d lovely. S h u t t e r e d w i n d o w s o p e n e d o n t o v i e w s o f chilli fields s k i r t i n g castles o r w e r e c o v e r e d b y sticks d r i p p i n g water — traditional air-conditioning. S u r r o u n d i n g the buildings w a s a raised m u d a n d d u n g s t o e p w h e r e squirrels, birds, c o b r a s a n d stoats c a m e t o s u n t h e m s e l v e s . M y o w n little r o o m , a h u n d r e d y a r d s f r o m t h e h o u s e , h a d for its r o o f a w a t e r t a n k . O n t h a t first m o r n i n g I w o k e t o t h e s o u n d o f w a t e r p l u n g i n g d o w n i n t o i r r i g a t i o n d i t c h e s a n d t o p e a c o c k s , r i c h l y dressed a n d v a c u o u s as m a h a r a j a h s , h o w l i n g like cats i n t h e t r e e o u t s i d e m y w i n d o w . F r o m m y d o o r s t r e t c h e d b l u e - g r e e n fields d o t t e d w i t h trees a n d t h e c o l o u r e d saris o f w o m e n g o i n g t o w o r k . G r e y cranes lifted t h e i r t r o u s e r s a n d stalked a b o u t i n t h e w a t e r like E n g l i s h academics o n s o m e esoteric field-trip. M y first task w a s t r y i n g t o a c q u i r e s o m e reliable i n f o r m a t i o n a b o u t t h e n o m a d s . A c c o r d i n g to a census r e p o r t from t h e n i n e ­ t e e n t h c e n t u r y t h e y w e r e c a m e l t h i e v e s , c a c t u s - e a t e r s a n d stealers o f w h e a t . A n d a M r D u t t w r o t e i n 1871 o f t h e glories o f P u s h k a r : ' W e saw c a m e l s s t a r t i n g f r o m this p l a c e t o cross t h e d e s e r t , c a r r y ­ i n g m e n a n d w o m e n w i t h t h e i r p a c k a g e s a n d supplies o f f o o d a n d water.' T h e s e , p l u s a small m e n t i o n i n Annals

of Rajasthan

by

C o l o n e l T o d d , w e r e t h e o n l y references t o R a b a r i s o r R a i k a s I h a d b e e n able t o find i n all t h e libraries o f E n g l a n d . 11

F r o m w h a t I c o u l d m a k e o u t , R a b a r i was t h e m o r e

generic

t e r m , w h i l e R a i k a d e s i g n a t e d a specific c a m e l - b r e e d i n g subcaste. B u t this was n o t a fixed r u l e a n d o n l y later w a s t h e significance o f n a m i n g m a d e clearer t o m e . I n a n y case, t h e n o m a d s ' o r i g i n o u t s i d e I n d i a w a s lost i n t i m e . T h e y w e r e c e r t a i n l y I n d o - E u r o p e a n , l i g h t - s k i n n e d a n d o f t e n g r e e n - o r b l u e - e y e d . I n t h e annals o f t h e I n d u s Valley civilizations t h e r e w a s n o m e n t i o n o f s h e e p o r c a m e l s . Presumably the nomads brought t h e m with t h e m w h e n

they

c a m e . T h e y h a d t w o m a i n divisions, t h e M a r u a n d C h a l k i a . M a r u t r a d i t i o n a l l y dealt o n l y i n c a m e l s , t h e a n i m a l w i t h w h i c h

all

R a b a r i felt m o s t s t r o n g l y associated, b e l i e v i n g its c r e a t i o n t o b e coeval w i t h their o w n , whereas t h e Chalkia kept herds o f sheep a n d goat. T h e i r history b e g a n in Jaisalmer in the T h a r Desert, from w h i c h over the centuries they h a d spread w i t h their animals i n t o o t h e r states, i n t e g r a t i n g t h e m s e l v e s i n t o H i n d u c o s m o l o g y as t h e y w e n t , s p l i n t e r i n g i n t o s u b - c a s t e s b u t r e t a i n i n g , always, t h e i r 'Rabariness', their otherness. E v e r y o n e I m e t h a d s o m e t h i n g t o say a b o u t t h e m b u t w h a t e v e r o n e p e r s o n stated as fact a n o t h e r refuted. Similarly

everyone

a g r e e d t h a t travelling w i t h t h e m o n m i g r a t i o n w o u l d b e v e r y easy t o o r g a n i z e b u t n o o n e s u g g e s t e d e x a c t l y h o w it c o u l d b e d o n e . O h , t h o s e h e s i t a n t first steps across alien t e r r a i n w h e n y o u d o n ' t k n o w t h e r u l e s . Y o u c u r b y o u r s p o n t a n e i t y i n a n effort t o b e h a v e i n a n a c c e p t a b l e f a s h i o n . Y o u d o a w a y w i t h a n y critical faculty w h i c h m i g h t block absorption. You d o n o t k n o w w h i c h advice t o take, w h a t i n f o r m a t i o n is t r u e . H o w u n s t a b l e y o u feel. T o b l u n ­ d e r a n d b e f o r g i v e n , t h a t is t o a l l o w y o u r s e l f t o b e w h a t y o u are, m a y be a better way of proceeding but that brand of courage was n o t in m y nature. I crept cautiously w h e r e others m a y have bounded. M y plan was to purchase a j e e p a n d drive a r o u n d the desert areas b y m y s e l f u n t i l I f o u n d j u s t t h a t g r o u p o f R a b a r i w i t h w h o m t h e r e was a s t r o n g r a p p o r t . T h e n , i n a f e w m o n t h s ' t i m e , I w o u l d b u y m y s e l f s o m e c a m e l s at C h a i t r i l i v e s t o c k fair n e a r B a r m e r . After w h i c h I w o u l d c o n t i n u e t o live i n w h a t e v e r village h a d b e e n c h o s e n u n t i l it w a s t i m e t o t a k e off o n m i g r a t i o n . B u y i n g a j e e p t o o k m o r e t h a n a w e e k . D a y after d a y N a r e n d r a ' s n u m b e r o n e servant K h a n ji, ever-smiling, ever calm, s h e p h e r d e d 12

m e a l o n g gullies a n d streets, f r o m b a n k t o office t o b a n k again, organized the papers, led m e to other mysterious buildings, a n ­ s w e r e d q u e s t i o n s o n m y behalf, i n d i c a t e d w h e r e I s h o u l d sit, sign, w a i t a n d sign again. B u t at last t h e p a p e r s w e r e i n o r d e r a n d t h e r e is s o m e t h i n g e m p o w e r i n g a b o u t sitting b e h i n d t h e w h e e l o f y o u r v e r y o w n j e e p , b a n g i n g y o u r fist o n t h e h o r n a n d f i n d i n g y o u r w a y h o m e t h r o u g h lanes h a r d l y w i d e r t h a n t h e car — lanes w h i c h , m i n u s s c o o t e r - r i c k s h a w s , diesel f u m e s , s y n t h e t i c saris a n d plastic goods dangling

from

t h e roofs o f m i n u t e s h o p s , w o u l d

have

l o o k e d j u s t like this c e n t u r i e s a g o . ' Y o u m u s t h a v e a driver.' ' N a r e n d r a , I h a v e b e e n travelling a l o n e for y e a r s . I assure y o u I d o n o t n e e d a driver.' M y h o s t p o n d e r e d a m o m e n t . ' B u t n o w y o u are i n I n d i a , a n d i n I n d i a y o u must h a v e a driver.' Fantasies o f t h r o w i n g m y s e l f at t h e m e r c y of t h e o p e n road, alone and u n e n c u m b e r e d , vanished, never t o b e revived. F r o m that m o m e n t o n , n o m a t t e r w h e r e I w e n t o r w h a t I did, I was to b e s u r r o u n d e d either by a phalanx of helpers or, m o r e o f t e n , a n a u d i e n c e o f t h o u s a n d s . H a v i n g a c c e p t e d t h e n e e d for a d r i v e r it w a s b u t a small step t o a c c e p t i n g t h a t I n e e d e d several o t h e r c o m p a n i o n s

(Narendra's

friends a n d servants) a n d a g r e a t d e a l o f l u g g a g e for m y first t r i p i n t o t h e d e s e r t a n d m y first m e e t i n g w i t h t h e n o m a d s . B e d d i n g w i t h crisp sheets, for e x a m p l e , a n d a b u n d a n t tiffins

(multi-tiered

m e t a l l u n c h - b o x e s c o n t a i n i n g at least h a l f a d o z e n c u r r i e s o f t h e palate-scorching kind). My

c o m p a n i o n s w e r e as follows: K h a n j i , driver, a

Rajput

w h o h a d c o m e f r o m a village at t h e age o f f o u r t e e n t o w o r k for Narendra, b e e n taught to read and w r i t e and w h o then studied a c o r r e s p o n d e n c e c o u r s e at n i g h t u n t i l B A

level. H i s p a s s i o n

for s e l f - i m p r o v e m e n t b o r d e r e d o n t h e p a t h o l o g i c a l a n d , b e i n g a genius, h e was s o m e w h a t d a u n t i n g to b e around. Takat Singh ji, a n officer i n t h e B o r d e r S e c u r i t y F o r c e s a n d r e t i r e d h e a d o f t h e C a m e l C o r p s . I had seen a p h o t o g r a p h of h i m leading the camel p a r a d e o n I n d e p e n d e n c e D a y t h r o u g h D e l h i . T a k a t w a s six f o o t tall, h a d a p r o p o r t i o n a t e l y l a r g e m o u s t a c h e

and a laugh

that

c o u l d s e e d c l o u d s . M o h a n S i n g h j i , a u n i o n boss, i n c o r r u p t i b l e a n d deeply c o m m i t t e d t o political reform. H e c o u l d speak a few 13

w o r d s o f E n g l i s h a n d w a s , t h e r e f o r e , t o b e m y i n t e r p r e t e r . Last o n b o a r d was M o r n a t , k i n g of the Rajasthan Jogis. Mornat's p e o p l e w e r e tribals, t h a t is, o u t s i d e , o r r a t h e r b e l o w , t h e caste s y s t e m . T h e y w e r e gypsies w h o t r a d i t i o n a l l y h u n t e d w i t h d o g s . B u t t h e s e days t h e r e w a s little left t o h u n t a n d little free c o u n t r y left t o d o it i n . N a r e n d r a h a d i n v i t e d M o r n a t a n d his e x t e n d e d family t o live o n his f a r m , s e t t i n g a p r e c e d e n t for o t h e r J o g i s w h o e v e n t u a l l y h a v e little c h o i c e b u t t o settle. I n r e t u r n

would Mornat,

o r o n e o f his b r o t h e r s , t e n d e d t h e l o g fire at n i g h t o r b r o u g h t t h e family t o t h e h o u s e t o sing a n d d a n c e o n special o c c a s i o n s , o r g r a c e d t h e table w i t h g a m e . I w a s s o m e h o w t o l e a d this posse o f f o u r m e n w i t h o u t k n o w i n g any of the languages they spoke, w i t h o u t understanding anything o f t h e c u l t u r e i n w h i c h I f o u n d myself, w i t h o u t t h e slightest c l u e as t o w h e r e w e w e r e h e a d i n g o r w h a t , really, w e w e r e l o o k i n g for. M y o w n b a c k g r o u n d h a d f o s t e r e d a d e e p i n d e p e n d e n c e i n m e , so t h a t w h e n m y t e a m i n s p e c t e d e v e r y m o v e m e n t closely o r g r a b b e d t h i n g s f r o m m y h a n d i n fits o f g a l l a n t r y , I g o t p e r f o r m a n c e a n x i e t y a n d felt i n a d e q u a t e . P e r h a p s I s h o u l d h a v e b e e n

firmer

from the

b e g i n n i n g a n d refused t h e s o l i c i t u d e o f N a r e n d r a a n d his a s s o c i ­ ates. B u t i n I n d i a t o b e a l o n e is t o b e a freak; t o b e a w o m a n a l o n e , a n insult t o chivalry; a n d t o b e a E u r o p e a n w o m a n a l o n e , a n invitation to misunderstanding. N a r e n d r a was right. I was in India a n d I s h o u l d d o t h i n g s t h e I n d i a n w a y , w h i c h m e a n t e m p l o y i n g as m a n y p e o p l e as possible t o w o r k for y o u a n d g i v i n g u p a n y h o p e o f ever b e i n g solitary. T h e j e e p was filled w i t h g r i n s , suitcases, a r m s a n d legs. All N a r e n d r a ' s staff l i n e d u p at t h e f a r m g a t e a n d b o w e d d e e p l y w i t h folded

hands. Spiritual insurance in the f o r m

of yogurt

and

j a g g e r y (raw sugar) w a s c o n s u m e d , h a n d s w e r e b r o u g h t t o g e t h e r i n v o k i n g D e v i t o w a t c h o u t for u s . K h a n j i t o o t e d t h e

horn

several t i m e s a n d e v e r y o n e l a u g h e d a n d t a l k e d a b o v e e v e r y o n e else. E v e r y o n e e x c e p t M e m s a h i b w h o s m i l e d i n a s t r a i n e d sort o f w a y . ' N o n e e d t o call m e M e m s a h i b . C a l l m e R o b y n . ' .„ 'Yes, M e m s a h i b . ' S o u n l i k e l y was it t h a t M e m s a h i b c o u l d h a n d l e a j e e p

that

w h e n I suggested I drive K h a n ji merely smiled. W e were to m e e t a n i m p o r t a n t m a n i n C h e r a i , a village sixty k i l o m e t r e s n o r t h o f 14

J o d h p u r along the Jaisalmer road. T h a t i m p o r t a n t m a n w o u l d i n t r o ­ d u c e us t o a n i m p o r t a n t m a n w h o w o u l d i n t r o d u c e us t o t h e m o s t i m p o r t a n t m a n o f a R a i k a village. O r p e r h a p s I'd g o t it all w r o n g . I w o u l d s i m p l y h a v e t o w a i t a n d see. After f o r t y k i l o m e t r e s I i n d i c ­ a t e d i n as c o m m a n d i n g a w a y as I c o u l d m u s t e r 'I w i l l

now

drive'. M e m s a h i b sat n e r v o u s l y b e h i n d t h e w h e e l . K h a n j i h a d b e e n p e r f o r m i n g h i g h speed wheelies t h r o u g h t h e dunes a n d she wasn't s u r e t h a t s h e c o u l d m a t c h his style. All w e n t w e l l u n t i l w e r e a c h e d a d r y r i v e r - b e d w i t h t w o t y r e tracks across it. I c h a n g e d i n t o f o u r w h e e l a n d slowly negotiated t h e rocks. T h e r e was a b u m p . A stone h a d b e e n d i s l o d g e d b y t h e front w h e e l a n d h a d p u n c t u r e d o u r diesel t a n k . W e w e r e s t r a n d e d i n t h e d e s e r t , s u r r o u n d e d b y e m p t y dunes.

-,

M o s t m e n w h e n f a c e d w i t h a c a l a m i t y s u c h as this w o u l d at t h e v e r y least k i c k a t y r e a n d say s o m e t h i n g u n p l e a s a n t . N o t so t h e s e Rajasthanis. T h e y laughed, they told jokes, they b r o u g h t o u t a tiffin, t h e y s p r e a d m a t s i n t h e m i s e r l y s h a d e o f a n acra b u s h , t h e y t o o k t u r n s i n sliding u n d e r t h e car a n d g e t t i n g c o v e r e d i n grease a n d diesel, t h e y w e n t t o i n s p e c t t h e g u i l t y r o c k i n o r d e r t o assure M e m s a h i b t h a t it w a s n ' t h e r fault. H o w e v e r , all t h e i r assurances c o u l d n o t save m y face a n d t h e l e a d e r s h i p r o l e w a s tacitly h a n d e d back to K h a n ji w h o now, having emptied w h a t remained of our diesel i n t o a c o n t a i n e r , t o o k t h e m i l k o f a n acra leaf, s o m e soap a n d a r a g w i t h w h i c h t o t r y t o fix t h e h o l e . A m a n o n a b i c y c l e e m e r g e d o u t o f n o t h i n g n e s s a n d sat d o w n t o e n j o y t h e s h o w . A little later, a family o n a c a m e l cart. E v e n t u ­ ally a f a r m e r o n a t r a c t o r p u l l e d u p . I u s e t h e t e r m ' t r a c t o r ' l o o s e l y here. M o s t of the o u t e r structures by w h i c h o n e w o u l d recognize it as s u c h w e r e m i s s i n g , so t h a t it l o o k e d like a n i n s e c t s o m e b o y s h a d t o r t u r e d . T h e f a r m e r s t o o d b a c k a n d s c r a t c h e d u n d e r his t u r b a n , assessing t h e d a m a g e t o m y v e h i c l e . T h e n h e t o o k t h e c o n t a i n e r o f j e t t i s o n e d diesel, l o d g e d it u n d e r t h e b o n n e t , fixed it d o w n w i t h bits o f t o r n r a g , p u l l e d t h e c o n n e c t i n g h o s e s o u t o f t h e d a m a g e d t a n k u n d e r t h e chassis a n d r e - r o u t e d t h e m u p t h r o u g h t h e b o d y o f t h e car, r e a l i g n i n g t h e w h o l e fuel s y s t e m so t h a t it fed from t h e makeshift container, a n d started t h e engine. N o t only did it w o r k , it g o t us safely t h r o u g h a c o u p l e o f h u n d r e d k i l o m e t r e s o f 15

sand a n d r o c k a n d w a s later, w i t h s o m e r e f i n e m e n t s o f e n g i n e e r ­ ing, m a d e a p e r m a n e n t improvement o n the structure of the jeep. T h e f a r m e r t o o k a c i g a r e t t e for his p a i n s a n d refused f o o d . W e d r o v e o n , m e t t h e i m p o r t a n t m a n , w h o i n t r o d u c e d us t o t h e i m p o r t a n t m a n , w h o t o o k us t o m e e t t h e m o s t i m p o r t a n t R a i k a . In the m e a n t i m e w e had s o m e h o w collected another half-dozen h e l p e r s . T h e m o s t difficult aspect o f t h a t j o u r n e y for m e w a s n o t t h e i m p o s s i b i l i t y o f u n d e r s t a n d i n g w h a t w a s said o r w h a t was g o i n g o n , o r t r y i n g t o b r e a t h e i n a j e e p full o f m e n a n d b u r n i n g g r i t , o r e v e n t h e sense o f b e i n g a n e n t i r e l y useless h u m a n b e i n g . It w a s t h e fact o f h a v i n g b o d i l y f u n c t i o n s . R a j p u t ladies s e e m e d n o t t o h a v e t h e m . N a r e n d r a ' s sister M i n u o n c e t o l d m e t h a t t h e p r i n ­ cesses c o u l d h o l d t h e i r b l a d d e r s all t h e w a y t o D e l h i if n e e d b e , r a t h e r t h a n risk i m m o d e s t y b y g o i n g b e h i n d a b u s h , a n d s h e h e r ­ self h a d o n l y r e c e n t l y w o r k e d u p t h e c o u r a g e t o d e m a n d t o b e let o u t o f t h e car. T o hell w i t h t h a t I t h o u g h t . B u t e u p h e m i s m s w e r e n e c e s s a r y . 'Please, K h a n j i , c o u l d y o u s t o p t h e car? I w a n t t o h a v e a wash.' T h i s , i n t h e m i d d l e o f d e s e r t w i t h n o w a t e r for m i l e s . M y c o m p a n i o n s w o u l d gaze o u t o f t h e w i n d o w s o r at t h e i r h a n d s a n d t h e i r faces w o u l d t a k e o n p a i n e d e x p r e s s i o n s as if I'd j u s t said 'I w a n t t o strip n a k e d a n d d a n c e o n t h e b o n n e t o f t h e j e e p ' . A n d it's n o t easy r e l i e v i n g y o u r s e l f w h e n y o u k n o w t h e r e is a c a r l o a d o f m e n d y i n g o f e m b a r r a s s m e n t n o t t w e n t y yards away. T h e i m p o r t a n t m a n o f t h e village, a b e a r d e d a n d

emaciated

a n c i e n t , assured m e t h a t t h e r e w o u l d b e n o p r o b l e m i n m y l i v i n g w i t h his c o m m u n i t y a n d yes I c o u l d travel w i t h t h e m . W h y n o t ? T h e y u s e d t o t a k e t h e i r c a m e l s i n t o Pakistan, t o S i n d h , b e f o r e P a r t i t i o n b u t n o w , usually, t h e y w e n t n o r t h - e a s t t o U t t a r P r a d e s h . H e p o p p e d a little greasy b l a c k stuff i n his m o u t h a n d s m i l e d beatifically. ' I f y o u g o w i t h us y o u w i l l live o n n o t h i n g b u t c a m e l m i l k . I m y s e l f o n c e j o u r n e y e d t h r o u g h t h e T h a r for o v e r a m o n t h w i t h ­ o u t even w a t e r . . . b u t I h a d af-heem, of course.' H e

handed

m e s o m e b l a c k stuff w h i c h tasted b i t t e r b u t after a f e w m i n u t e s I, t o o , s m i l e d a n d d e c i d e d

t h a t for t h o s e w h o

had to

cross

b u r n i n g deserts w i t h n o t h i n g b u t m i l k for s u s t e n a n c e , o p i u m was a necessary part o f the luggage. ' A n d h o w o l d are y o u , H a r u R a m j i ? ' I w a s i m a g i n i n g h e c o u l d 16

tell m e stories d a t i n g f r o m t h e p r e v i o u s c e n t u r y . 'I a m fifty-three,' h e said, t h e n a d d e d , w h e n h e n o t e d t h e l o o k o n m y face, ' T h e life o f a n o m a d is v e r y hard.' M o h a n j i e x p l a i n e d t h a t o p i u m i m p r o v e s t h e m i n d b u t destroys t h e b o d y . A n o t h e r n o t e d t h a t t h e w o m e n n e v e r t o o k it unless t h e y w e r e ill, a p o i n t w h i c h i n i t i a t e d a g e n e r a l discussion a b o u t t h e i n t e l l e c t u a l s u p e r i o r i t y o f R a b a r i

women

over their m e n . This m e n t a l d i m o r p h i s m was remarked coundess times t h r o u g h o u t Rajasthan — R a b a r i w o m e n clever, s h r e w d , o u t s p o k e n

and wise; R a b a r i m e n were

upon were quiet,

s i m p l e a n d t h i c k as p l a n k s . T h e e x p l a n a t i o n for this w a s t h a t t h e m e n , f r o m t h e a g e o f seven, w e r e o u t w i t h t h e h e r d s , h a n d s p i n n i n g w o o l a n d t a l k i n g t o t h e m s e l v e s , w h i l e t h e w o m e n d i d all kinds of w o r k , particularly bargaining and m o n e y

management.

H a r u R a m j i t u c k e d a n o t h e r p i e c e o f a f - h e e m i n his m o u t h a n d c h u c k l e d i n a s i m p l e s o r t o f w a y . S i m p l e like a wolf. ' D o y o u s m u g g l e it i n f r o m P a k i s t a n ? ' I asked. I w a s assured t h a t the R a i k a were m u c h too innocent to do such a thing. N o , the s m u g g l e r s w e r e m o s t l y f r o m o r g a n i z e d c r i m e cartels b a s e d i n Bombay. Alcohol went north and heroin came south along the a n c i e n t s i l k - t r a d i n g r o u t e , stashed i n t h e chassis o f f a t - t y r e d j e e p s w i t h s m o k e d w i n d o w s w h i c h w e r e n o w as c o m m o n p l a c e as d r o m e ­ d a r i e s i n t h e d e s e r t c i t a d e l o f Jaisalmer. S o m e t i m e s t h e y s e n t r i d e r ­ less c a m e l s h o m e t o villages i n P a k i s t a n , l a d e n d o w n w i t h b o o t l e g . If t h e y w e r e c a p t u r e d b y t h e B o r d e r S e c u r i t y F o r c e s , w e l l , it w a s pretty hard to extract information from a camel. Later I was to find o u t t h a t t h e R a i k a , w h o h a d b e g u n m i g r a t i n g t h r o u g h t h e o p i u m b e l t o f M a d h y a P r a d e s h w h e r e p o p p i e s are g r o w n legally, d i d i n d e e d s m u g g l e it across t h e state b o r d e r t i e d t o t h e bellies o f their sheep. W e a r r i v e d at a 3 6 0 - f o o t - d e e p w e l l i n t h e m i d d l e o f l o w d u n e s w h e r e s o m e y o u n g m e n dressed i n rags w e r e c l u s t e r e d a r o u n d a pocket radio listening to the news. Apart from the turbulence in t h e c o u n t r y o v e r t h e A y o d h y a fiasco, t h e c e n t r a l g o v e r n m e n t h a d r e c e n t l y a c c e p t e d t h e findings o f t h e M a n d a l C o m m i s s i o n R e p o r t w h i c h r e c o m m e n d e d that the privileges o f reservation (jobs or u n i v e r s i t y p l a c e m e n t s ) b e g i v e n t o ' o t h e r b a c k w a r d classes'. If t h e g o v e r n m e n t a c t e d u p o n this r e p o r t t h e R a i k a s t o o d t o g a i n c e r ­ tain p r i v i l e g e s . B u t this s e e m e d u n l i k e l y b e c a u s e so far m o r e t h a n

a h u n d r e d u n i v e r s i t y s t u d e n t s h a d b u r n e d t h e m s e l v e s alive i n protest and the carnage was continuing. H a r u R a m j i stared at t h e g r o u n d ,

followed

s o m e tracks a n d

a n n o u n c e d that the camels w o u l d r e t u r n in half an h o u r . I was p r e p a r e d t o b e l i e v e t h a t pagis (trackers) c o u l d identify a camel's p a r e n t a g e b y s t u d y i n g its f o o t p r i n t ; I w a s n o t p r e p a r e d t o b e l i e v e that H a r u R a m ji could read the future o n t h e g r o u n d . Half an h o u r later t h e h e r d s c a m e w a n d e r i n g i n . H a r u R a m j i p i c k e d a n acra leaf, m a d e it i n t o a c u p , m i l k e d a s h e c a m e l a n d gave m e t h e frothy d r i n k . It h a d a n u t t y flavour a n d v e r y little fat. I c o u l d t h i n k o f a l o t b e t t e r t h i n g s t o live o n b u t I c o u l d also t h i n k o f w o r s e . N o t f o r t h e last t i m e I c u r s e d m y linguistic i g n o r a n c e . A t least o n e t h i n g w a s e v i d e n t as I sat u n d e r t h e trees a n d

floundered

in a

s w a m p o f s o u n d . T h e R a i k a w e r e i n t r o u b l e a n d w h e n it c a m e t o articulating their misfortunes these normally taciturn m e n b e c a m e eloquent. P r e v i o u s l y , f a r m e r s a n d pastoralists h a d e n j o y e d a s o m e w h a t s y m b i o t i c r e l a t i o n s h i p , t h e graziers p r o v i d i n g t h e f a r m e r s

with

a n i m a l d u n g fertilizer. T h e r e w a s e n o u g h r o o m for e v e r y o n e a n d e n o u g h g r a z i n g t o p r o v i d e for v i s i t i n g h e r d s as w e l l as local a n i ­ mals. T h e relationship b e t w e e n sedentary and peripatetic peoples had

no

doubt

always

required

diplomacy

but

these

days

it

could b e explosive. T o d a y , t h e r e is fifty p e r c e n t less l a n d available for g r a z i n g t h a n there was just t e n years ago. T h e e n o r m o u s increase in g o v e r n ­ m e n t wells has m e a n t t h a t n e w l y i r r i g a t e d f a r m s c l o g t h e m i g r a ­ t i o n r o u t e s , t u r n i n g n a t u r a l p a s t u r e l a n d i n t o salty wastes after o n l y a f e w y e a r s . Small-scale peasants are usually close t o d e s t i t u t i o n , so a l t h o u g h t h e y still w a n t t h e animal's d u n g t h e y d o n o t w a n t t h e herds eating the only crop standing b e t w e e n t h e m and ruin, or d e c i m a t i n g t h e g r a z i n g t h a t sustains t h e i r o w n a n i m a l s . D u r i n g m i g r a t i o n fights are p r e v a l e n t , p e o p l e are killed a n d w h e n t h e r e is t r o u b l e t h e p o l i c e a l m o s t always t a k e t h e side o f t h e s e d e n t a r y folk f r o m w h o m t h e y s k i m off t h e b u l k o f t h e i r illicit i n c o m e . A n d g o v e r n m e n t s n e v e r like n o m a d s . D i d t h e R a i k a h a v e t h e i r o w n ancestral l a n d s , I asked. Yes, t h e s e h a d b e e n given to t h e m by their R a j p u t rulers u n d e r the old j a j m a n i s y s t e m o f feudal R a j a s t h a n . B u t t h e y w e r e insignificant,

c e r t a i n l y t o o small t o sustain h e r d s o r t o m a k e f a r m s o u t of. T h e y g r e w a little bajri (millet) b e f o r e m o n s o o n a n d if t h e rains c a m e t h e y h a d g r a i n t o eat, if n o t . . . I h a d s e e n this stuff s t i c k i n g o u t o f t h e sides o f s a n d - d u n e s , sparse as p u b e s c e n t w h i s k e r s . I n a n y case these m e n s e e m e d to resent the idea of having to b e c o m e farmers. T h e y w a n t e d t o b e a l l o w e d t o d o w h a t t h e y h a d always d o n e so w e l l a n d profitably — g r a z e a n i m a l s . M a n y R a i k a w e r e s w i t c h i n g f r o m c a m e l s t o s h e e p w h i c h are less p r e s t i g i o u s b u t m o r e lucrative. S h e e p feed o n c r o p s t u b b l e o r s h o r t p a s t u r e (thus d o i n g m o r e d a m a g e t h a n t h e c a m e l a n d e n l a r ­ g i n g t h e d e s e r t wastes), so m i g r a t i o n p a t t e r n s n o w t e n d e d t o e x ­ p l o i t r i v e r systems o r f a r m i n g c o u n t r y w h e r e t h e feed is b e s t a n d also t h e safest. (In t h e j u n g l e t h e a n i m a l s are v u l n e r a b l e t o a t t a c k b y j a c k a l s a n d thieves.) D r o u g h t s , m i l i t a r y n o - g o areas, a t o m i c t e s t i n g sites, political b o u n d a r i e s , c l o s u r e o f g o v e r n m e n t forests, t h e s p r e a d o f s u b s i d i z e d a g r i c u l t u r e — all t h e s e factors h a v e f o r c e d t h e p a s t o r a l n o m a d s t o shift f u r t h e r a n d f u r t h e r s o u t h , o u t o f t h e deserts a n d i n t o t h e g r e e n e r p a r t s o f t h e c o u n t r y . M y v i s i o n o f w h o l e c o m m u n i t i e s s e t t i n g off f r o m t h e d u n e s o f t h e T h a r D e s e r t w i t h t h e i r t h o u s a n d c a m e l s , t h e i r h e a r t s set u p o n Pushkar

as J a i s a l m e r m e l t e d i n t o fata

Morganas

behind

them,

was b a d l y m o t h - e a t e n . T h e r e w e r e v i r t u a l l y n o R a i k a left i n t h e J a i s a l m e r area a n d t h o s e w h o r e m a i n e d , h a v i n g d i m i n i s h e d t h e i r herds d u r i n g famine years, only migrated d u r i n g

exceptionally

bad droughts. T h e old patterns of migration, w h i c h o n a m a p m i g h t l o o k like a n c i e n t r i v e r systems, w e r e n o w m o r e like feeble streams insinuating themselves a r o u n d countless obstructions, w h o s e beds c h a n g e d c o n t i n u a l l y a n d i n w h i c h local e d d i e s w e r e f o r m e d b y a b a c k p r e s s u r e o f p o p u l a t i o n . T h e r e w a s s i m p l y n o r o o m left i n I n d i a , a n d t h e n o m a d s , d e s p i t e all t h e i r flexibility, p r a g m a t i s m a n d skill, w o u l d b e t h e first t o b e s q u e e z e d o u t o f e x i s t e n c e . W e all stared s o l e m n l y at t h e g r o u n d i n front o f us as c o n v e r s a ­ t i o n lapsed. E v e n t u a l l y I asked if I m i g h t m e e t t h e w o m e n . S o far i n R a j a s t h a n , I h a d n o t so m u c h as n o d d e d t o a n o t h e r female. T h e y w e r e e i t h e r l o c k e d u p i n p u r d a h o r o u t i n t h e fields w o r k i n g w h i l e t h e i r m e n sat i n d o o r w a y s s m o k i n g b i r i a n d y a r n i n g . T h e R a i k a c o m p o u n d was b e y o n d sight o f t h e village a n d o p e n e d outwards to t h e 'jungle' — a n y w h e r e n o t cultivated o r 19

p o p u l a t e d . A f e w small j h u m p a s w e r e e n c l o s e d b y a l o w wall. All t h e surfaces w e r e p a l e o c h r e m u d a n d d u n g w h i c h t h e w o m e n p l a s t e r e d o v e r s t o n e e a c h year. D o o r s a n d lintels w e r e d e c o r a t e d w i t h w h i t e w a s h . T h e roofs w e r e m a d e o f sticks k n o t t e d t o f o r m a c o n e . E v e r y t h i n g w a s n e a t , s w e p t a n d aesthetically p l e a s i n g . I w a s e s c o r t e d i n t o a j h u m p a t o sit w i t h t h e m e n . T h e w o m e n p o k e d i n t h e i r h e a d s f r o m t i m e t o t i m e t o t a k e a l o o k at m e . T o d o this t h e y h a d t o m a k e a little p e e p - h o l e i n t h e o r n i s

(shawls)

w h i c h h i d t h e i r faces. T h e y h a d n e v e r s e e n a E u r o p e a n b e f o r e a n d there was a lot of giggling and whispering outside the door. N o o n e s e e m e d t o k n o w q u i t e w h a t t o d o w i t h m e a n d t h e shyness was mutual. M y c o m p a n i o n s talked a m o n g themselves w h i l e I i m a g i n e d g o i n g t o sit w i t h M o r n a t w h o , b e i n g a n u n t o u c h a b l e , w a s n o t a l l o w e d i n s i d e t h e c o m p o u n d b u t w a i t e d a l o n e at t h e p e r i m e t e r , d r i n k i n g f r o m his o w n p o l l u t i n g c u p . M y r e v e r i e w a s penetrated b y t w o devastating pieces of information w h i c h m a n ­ a g e d t o scale t h e l a n g u a g e b a r r i e r . Firstly, t h e s e w o m e n n o l o n g e r travelled w i t h t h e m e n o n m i g r a t i o n . It w a s t o o d a n g e r o u s . S e c o n d ­ ly, t h e r e w o u l d b e n o m i g r a t i o n this y e a r b e c a u s e t h e m o n s o o n h a d b e e n uncharacteristically generous here t h e previous season. D a s h e d h o p e s lay all o v e r t h e floor. I asked if t h e y w e r e t a k i n g a n y c a m e l s for sale t o t h e C h a i t r i fair a n d if so c o u l d I g o w i t h t h e m ? C e r t a i n l y b u t n o w o m e n e v e r w e n t t o t h a t p a r t i c u l a r fair. W e l l t h e n , c o u l d I c o m e t o stay w i t h t h e w o m e n h e r e i n t h e village, t h e n t a k e off w i t h t h e m e n w h e n C h a i t r i t i m e

came?

E v e r y o n e a g r e e d t h a t this was a sensible i d e a . I c o u l d d o t h a t a n d still k e e p l o o k i n g for p e o p l e w h o would b e m i g r a t i n g . E v e n t u a l l y t h e w o m e n i n v i t e d m e i n t o t h e i r j h u m p a for m o r e tea a n d as I left t h e m e n I s e n s e d a t e n s e e x p e c t a n c y , l e a d i n g m e t o suspect t h a t o r n i s o r n o , t h e females called t h e s h o t s a r o u n d h e r e a n d t h a t m y p l a n s d e p e n d e d u p o n t h e i r g o o d o p i n i o n . T h e little r o u n d r o o m was dark a n d cool. H a n d m a d e mats w e r e stacked to o n e side a n d a t i n y fireplace w a s set i n t h e floor. T h e r e w a s n o c h i m n e y b u t c r o o k e d w i n d o w s set a c r o s s - b r e e z e , a n d recesses i n t h e walls h e l d p e r s o n a l possessions — s o m e brass p o t s , w e d ­ ding p h o t o s posed awkwardly in a studio, pictures of various gods, g o d d e s s e s a n d d e c e a s e d relatives i n a s h r i n e . I sat o n t h e s u r r o u n d e d b y at least t w e n t y w o m e n . 20

floor

N o w , m y k i n d o f w o r k is o f t e n m a d e m o r e difficult b y t h e fact o f m y sex a n d I h a v e f o u n d it p r u d e n t n o t t o call a t t e n t i o n t o it w h e n I ' m o n t h e j o b . F o r this p r o j e c t I h a d c h o s e n n e c k - t o - a n k l e t o - w r i s t c r e a m c o t t o n k u r t a pajamas. M y hair was pulled b a c k in a b u n a n d I w o r e n e i t h e r m a k e - u p n o r j e w e l l e r y . I l o o k e d as a l l u r ­ i n g as a c o w p a t . C r a m m e d i n t o t h a t t i n y r o o m w e r e t h e m o s t g l a m o r o u s c r e a t u r e s i m a g i n a b l e w i t h k o h l - r i m m e d eyes, p e r f e c t w h i t e teeth, bangles u p to their armpits, earrings and nose rings a n d silver balls d a n g l i n g h e r e a n d t h e r e , a k i l o g r a m o f silver a r o u n d e a c h a n k l e ( w o m e n c a r r y m u c h o f t h e family w e a l t h i n t h e f o r m o f j e w e l l e r y , a h a b i t w h i c h s o m e t i m e s e n t i c e s b a n d i t s t o sever l i m b s f r o m l i v i n g b o d i e s ) , c a l f - l e n g t h skirts c o n t a i n i n g m a n y yards of p r i n t e d cotton, r e d - p i n k - y e l l o w - b l u e muslin o r n i stitched over w i t h silver - a n d from e a c h o f t h o s e Valkyries a r e i n e d - i n e n e r g y w h i c h m a d e m e feel t h a t if I lit a m a t c h t h e w h o l e j h u m p a w o u l d explode. A s e n i o r w o m a n (a w i d o w a n d t h e r e f o r e dressed i n d e m u r e m a r o o n w i t h o n l y a f e w lashings o f m e t a l ) s h u s h e d e v e r y o n e a n d t u r n e d her attention t o m e . She did n o t believe that I couldn't u n d e r s t a n d w h a t she said so she p u s h e d h e r face v e r y close t o m i n e and repeated questions in a well-articulated scream. B u t ges­ t u r a l l a n g u a g e is universal, so slowly w e c a m e t o u n d e r s t a n d o n e another. N o , I did n o t have children. (Consternation and m u t t e r ­ ing.) W h y ? I t h o u g h t r a p i d l y . B e c a u s e m y h u s b a n d d i e d y o u n g . (Sighs o f c o m m i s e r a t i o n a n d n o d d i n g heads.) P a r e n t s ? B o t h d e a d . ( G e n e r a l m u r m u r i n g . ) A n d h o w m a n y b r o t h e r s ? I h a v e o n e sister. W h a t n o b r o t h e r s ? N o b r o t h e r s . (A sense o f t r a g e d y i n t h e air.) A n d d o e s y o u r sister h a v e sons? F o u r d a u g h t e r s . T h e r e was r e s p e c t ­ ful silence i n t h e p r e s e n c e o f o n e so p e r s e c u t e d b y b a d l u c k a n d m y i n t e r l o c u t o r pressed h e r h a n d s t o g e t h e r a n d i n d i c a t e d a c e l e s ­ tial B h a g w a n w h o , s h e s e e m e d t o suggest, m o v e d i n m y s t e r i o u s w a y s . I let o u t o n e o f t h o s e noises w h i c h s p e a k o f suffering b r a v e l y endured, then leavened the m o o d by lighting a badly

needed

cigarette. I already k n e w t h a t a w o m a n s m o k i n g w a s c o n s i d e r e d r i s q u e b u t i n this m a t t e r refused t o m a k e m y s e l f a c c e p t a b l e . W h e n t h e r i o t h a d s u b s i d e d I r e c e i v e d affectionate h u g s p o w e r f u l e n o u g h t o k n a c k e r h o r s e s a n d friendly shoves t h a t t o p p l e d m e over. S u d d e n l y 21

w e w e r e t a l k i n g o r r a t h e r m i m i n g a b o u t sex. T w o fingers h i t t h e b a c k o f t h e o p p o s i t e h a n d a m i d s t r i b a l d guffaws. O t h e r , m o r e explicit gestures w e r e used. ' C o u l d w o m e n in m y c o u n t r y take n e w husbands?' H a l f an h o u r later I staggered o u t of that j h u m p a d r e n c h e d in sweat b u t h o l d i n g t h e tree-bark hands of m a n y n e w friends. I r e t u r n e d t o J o d h p u r t o p r e p a r e for m y m o n t h s i n t h e village. A w e e k later Takat Singh i n f o r m e d m e that t h e w o m e n h a d c h a n g e d t h e i r m i n d s a b o u t l e t t i n g m e live w i t h t h e m . T h e y w e r e flattered t h a t I w a n t e d t o w r i t e a b o u t t h e i r lives a n d h a d t a l k e d o f little

else s i n c e m y visit. B u t t h e r e w a s a p r o b l e m : ' H o w w i l l w e

o p e n u p t o h i m ? ' t h e y h a d said. ' W e ' l l b e t o o shy.' Him? N o w I k n e w w h a t all t h a t c h e s t - p r o d d i n g h a d b e e n a b o u t . T h e y h a d explained the p r o b l e m to Takat. T h r e e o r four c e n t u r ­ ies a g o a g r o u p o f i t i n e r a n t a c t o r s h a d asked for t h e p r o t e c t i o n o f s o m e travelling R a i k a . It w a s g i v e n a n d , as is p r o p e r , t h e f e m a l e guests slept b y t h e w o m e n a n d t h e m a l e guests b y t h e m e n . B u t t h e r e w a s s o m e t h i n g fishy a b o u t t h o s e actresses b e c a u s e

nine

m o n t h s after t h e y h a d left e v e n u n m a r r i e d girls f o u n d t h e m s e l v e s w i t h c h i l d . M y friends h a d l i k e d m e b u t t h e y d i d n o t w a n t t h a t t o happen to them, thank you very m u c h . N a r e n d r a l a u g h e d a n d said t h a t a f e w false starts w e r e o n l y t o b e e x p e c t e d ; M i n u s e n t a m e s s a g e s u g g e s t i n g I visit t h e R a i k a i n N a d o l , a village a b o u t t h i r t y k i l o m e t r e s f r o m h e r o w n

village

G h a n e r a o . S h e also s u g g e s t e d t h a t I w e a r a skirt, a l o n g skirt. I d r o v e o u t t o N a d o l t h r o u g h t y p i c a l Aravalli R a n g e s c o u n t r y : g r a n ­ i t e o u t c r o p p i n g s , n a k e d b u t for a f e w gullies o f m o n s o o n forest o r a single, w h i t e - p a i n t e d e l e p h a n t s t a t i o n e d o n a s u m m i t e t e r n a l l y s u r v e y i n g t h e f a r m l a n d s b e l o w . Little t e m p l e s b u r r o w e d i n t o s t o n e crevices; stairs w e r e c u t i n t o rockfaces l e a d i n g u p t o t h e sky. N o t so l o n g a g o this h a d b e e n j u n g l e , w h e r e m a h a r a j a h s h u n t e d for t h e last o f t h e tigers. O r i g i n a l l y t h e N a d o l R a i k a h a d c o m e f r o m J o d h p u r district b u t fifty y e a r s a g o t h e r e h a d b e e n s o m e family d i s a g r e e m e n t so a b r o t h e r a n d his family h a d m o v e d s o u t h . G r a d u a l l y o t h e r s f o l ­ lowed, marriages occurred and n o w their numbers were in the hundreds. N a d o l was m u c h wealthier than Cherai. N e w brick 22

houses

w e r e b e i n g b u i l t t o r e p l a c e p r e t t i e r b u t m o r e fragile j h u m p a s . T h e r e w a s a little t e m p l e t o P a b u j i , a n i m p o r t a n t h i s t o r i c a l h e r o c u m - d e i t y t o all t h e R a b a r i . I was g r e e t e d b y t h e m e n as u s u a l a n d t a k e n t o sit i n a separate c o m p o u n d . Tea w a s b r o u g h t a n d yes I w a s m o s t w e l c o m e t o stay t h e n i g h t . B u t I c o u l d see t h e y felt as a w k w a r d as I d i d . A l o n g s h a d o w fell across t h e g r o u n d i n front o f m e . I l o o k e d u p t o see a m o s t a s t o n i s h i n g c r e a t u r e . I t h o u g h t at first it w a s a e u n u c h o r a m a n i n d r a g . C o u l d a w o m a n b e six f o o t t w o a n d h a v e feet a n d h a n d s like a C l y d e s d a l e ? C o u l d a w o m a n h a v e s u c h a face? W o m a n s h e w a s , a boss w i d o w , a n d h e r n a m e was Teepu. ' T e e p u j i , m a y I sleep at y o u r h o u s e t o n i g h t ? ' H e r m o n s t r o u s m o u t h s p r e a d six i n c h e s t o display t w o l o n g , e i g h t y - y e a r - o l d t e e t h s t u d d e d w i t h g o l d . S h e lifted m e off t h e c h a r p o i ( s t r i n g c o t ) , c r u s h e d m y ribs i n a n e m b r a c e a n d m a r c h e d m e away f r o m t h e men. A s e v e n i n g fell I o b s e r v e d t h e village at w o r k . N o o n e h u r r i e d o r s t r a i n e d y e t e a c h w e n t a b o u t his o r h e r tasks w i t h o u t p a u s i n g for rest. It was like w a t c h i n g t h e insides o f a Swiss c l o c k . S o m e w o m e n g r o u n d c o r n o r w h e a t o n h u g e r o u n d stones. O t h e r s c a r r i e d h e a d - b u n d l e s o f leaves a n d grass for t h e s h e e p a n d goats n o w p e n n e d b e h i n d t h o r n fences b e s i d e t h e h o u s e s . B o y s a n d girls s h i n n e d u p trees t o l o p off b r a n c h e s . A n d w h e r e b l u e

smoke

curled u p could b e heard the rattling and patting of y o u n g m a r ­ r i e d w o m e n c o o k i n g chapati, h a m p e r e d by t h e w e i g h t of bracelets a n d t h e p e r p e t u a l a d j u s t m e n t o f o r n i o v e r t h e i r faces. A t seven o ' c l o c k t h i r t y c a m e l s c a m e i n . T h e y w e r e skeletal a n d covered in mange. A y o u n g m a n rode ringer around them; h e had b e e n o u t g r a z i n g t h e m for t e n days. H e d i s m o u n t e d , p i c k e d u p a front l e g o f e a c h , t w i s t e d a r o p e u n d e r t h e h o c k , t h e n h o o k e d t h e f o o t t o t h e s h o u l d e r . T h e c a m e l s w e r e so passive t h e y a l m o s t lifted t h e i r legs t o h a v e t h e r o p e s t i e d . T o t h e c a m e l - h e r d i n g R a i k a fate h a d b e e n p a r t i c u l a r l y u n k i n d . W i t h t h e d e m i s e o f t h e R a j p u t r u l e r s after I n d e p e n d e n c e a n d t h e d i s s o l u t i o n o f t h e p r i n c e l y states, t h e rajahs c o u l d n o l o n g e r afford to k e e p t h e herds of camels w h i c h h a d supplied their armies, or t h e R a i k a w h o b r e d a n d l o o k e d after t h e m . R a i k a status w a s d e t e r i o r a t i n g t o o b e c a u s e t h e social a n d e c o n o m i c ties w i t h t h e 23

n o b i l i t y (the R a i k a r e f e r r e d t o t h e m s e l v e s as ' y o u n g e r b r o t h e r s t o t h e R a j p u t s ' ) n o l o n g e r e x i s t e d i n reality. A p i n k m o o n rose, m a k i n g t h e t u r b a n s g l o w a n d t h e silver shine. Teepu's family gathered a r o u n d m e : three or four y o u n g e r w o m e n , a d o z e n c h i l d r e n — t i n y t h i n g s w i t h silver n e c k l a c e s a n d n o k n i c k e r s , w r a p p e d i n r e d shawls. G r o u p s o f m e n c a m e b y . I s l a p p e d at s o m e m o s q u i t o e s . T h e b o y s q u a t t i n g i n front o f m e , s t a r i n g i n t o m y face as if it w a s t h e strangest t h i n g h e h a d e v e r seen, broke into an e n o r m o u s grin. 'Anopheles. Malaria. Typhoid,' h e said — t h e o n l y E n g l i s h w o r d s h e k n e w a n d h e offered t h e m like a gift. A n o t h e r little b o y b e g a n t o c r y . E v e r y o n e l a u g h e d at h i m a n d said, ' O h , he's s i n g i n g again. H e ' s always singing.' T h e wails b e c a m e l o u d e r , as d i d t h e l a u g h t e r . H i s m o t h e r t o l d h i m n o t t o m a k e s u c h a b i g n o i s e i n front o f t h e g u e s t a n d p u t h e r h a n d g e n t l y o n his m o u t h . N o w his s c r e e c h e s c o u l d b e h e a r d in G h a n e r a o . H i s father

came and cuddled

h i m , his

grannie

kissed h i m , his u n c l e s p a t t e d his c h e e k s , his feet, his hair, his mother embrace

wiped to

his tears w i t h

loving

her orni. H e

embrace. I

have

was passed

a theory

about

from Indian

self-assurance. It d o e s n o t o r i g i n a t e i n t h e c o m f o r t s o f r e l i g i o n . It o r i g i n a t e s i n c h i l d h o o d w h e n a n y o n e u n d e r t e n is a d o r e d b e y o n d measure. Indians may tend to b e anxious w h e n

away

f r o m t h e i r family o r t h e i r g r o u p b u t t h e y d o n o t c a r r y

that

b o d i l y a n x i e t y , t h e sense o f n e v e r b e i n g q u i t e at rest, t h a t s e e m s t o b e d e v i l so m a n y w e s t e r n e r s .

-

Six c h a r p o i s w e r e b r o u g h t o u t f r o m t h e t w o r o o m s i n s i d e t h e h o u s e a n d l i n e d u p o n t h e p o r c h . N o w w a s t h e t i m e for r e l a x a t i o n and conversation. T h e older people spoke in G o r w a r i to t h e boys w h o w e n t to school, w h o t h e n translated into H i n d i w h i l e I searched in m y

dictionary

or let loose w i t h

a repertoire

of

c h a r a d e s a m i d e x p l o s i o n s o f giggles. ' A r e t h e r e s h e e p , goats a n d c a m e l s i n Australia? W h a t d o t h e y eat? W h a t is t h e p r i c e o f g o l d a n d silver i n y o u r c o u n t r y ? W h y are y o u i n t e r e s t e d i n us R a i k a ? W e are p o o r p e o p l e a n d y o u are v e r y rich.' I tried to explain to t h e m w h a t I w a n t e d to do. ' B u t , ' t h e y said, ' w e d o n o t m i g r a t e a n y m o r e . O n l y if t h e r e is a b a d d r o u g h t a n d e v e n t h e n t h e w o m e n rarely c o m e . ' 24

A t least that's w h a t I t h o u g h t t h e y said b u t l a t e r I t h o u g h t t h e y said t h e y w e r e t a k i n g c a m e l s t o P u s h k a r , a j o u r n e y w h i c h w o u l d surely last w e e k s . ' A n d will w o m e n go to Pushkar?' ' A b s o l u t e l y , ' said T e e p u , ' a n d y o u c a n c o m e w i t h m e . ' S o t h e r e it w a s , a n e w p l a n falling, fully f o r m e d , i n t o m y lap. T h e r e w a s t r e m e n d o u s e x c i t e m e n t at t h e i d e a o f m y g o i n g w i t h t h e m a n d T e e p u b e g a n to describe t h e fun w e w o u l d have, e n d i n g

her

s p e e c h w i t h ' A n d t h e b u s fare is o n l y t w e n t y r u p e e s . ' 'Bus? Y o u are g o i n g t o P u s h k a r b y busV ' N a t u r a l l y . H o w else? W h y w o u l d o n e w a l k w h e n o n e c a n t a k e a bus?' ' B u t t h e camels ' T w o m e n w i l l g o w i t h t h e c a m e l s a n d it w i l l t a k e t h e m t e n days t o reach.' G r a d u a l l y t h e m e n b e g a n d r i f t i n g away, c h i l d r e n fell asleep. I h o p p e d o n t o m y c h a r p o i a n d c o v e r e d m y s e l f w i t h a quilt. A c h i l d w a s t u c k e d i n b e s i d e m e a n d T e e p u lay i n t h e c o t a l o n g s i d e , a t e n f o o t p o l e i n h e r h a n d . E v e r y o n e slept i n w h a t t h e y w o r e : t h e w o m e n c o r s e t e d t o p t o b o t t o m i n b a n g l e s a n d plaits a n d r i n g s a n d n e c k l a c e s a n d p i x i e - h a t c o n t r a p t i o n s a n d silver l e g - i r o n s . T e e p u slept f o u r h o u r s t h a t n i g h t d u r i n g w h i c h she w o u l d w a k e n , alert, at t h e smallest s o u n d , t e n d t o a t r o u b l e d child, p u l v e r ­ ize t h e d o g s w i t h h e r stick o r s n o r e like t h e D e l h i E x p r e s s . A s for m e , sleep w a s a s h o r e t h a t c o u l d n e v e r b e r e a c h e d . I w a s k e p t awake by t h e dogs, t h e child in t h e c r o o k of m y a r m , t h e c o u g h ­ i n g , s p i t t i n g , m u t t e r i n g a n d t h e rat w h i c h t r i e d t o m a k e a n e s t i n m y hair. T e n t i m e s I t h r e w t h e w r e t c h t o t h e floor u n t i l , after a b i t t e n finger, I d i d as t h e o t h e r w o m e n d i d - c o v e r e d m y h e a d with

a s h a w l a n d suffocated

while

t h e rat

( a n d his

friends)

g a l l o p e d a l o n g m y q u i l t . A t first fish-belly l i g h t T e e p u w a s u p a n d at w o r k . H e r e a n i g h t ' s sleep w a s m o r e like a n

afternoon

n a p , a n insignificant p a u s e i n t h e e t e r n a l s a m e n e s s . B y five t h e w h o l e village was m o v i n g . T h e m e n d o c t o r e d t h e sheep before letting t h e m o u t to graze by t h r o w i n g s o m e p o w d e r i n t h e i r p u s - f i l l e d eyes, after w h i c h t h e w o m e n w o u l d spit i n t h e m a n d r u b t h e m . T h e camels w e r e u n h o b b l e d ; t h e y o u n g herder leapt o n to the back of one, laughing and b e c k o n i n g m e 25

up

b e h i n d h i m . H o w d e a r l y I w o u l d h a v e l o v e d t o g o t h u n d e r i n g off i n t o t h e hills o n t h e b a c k o f t h a t c a m e l . B u t M i n u h a d w a r n e d m e about h o w a w o m a n should behave. I h a d t h o u g h t m y clothes t h e last w o r d i n m o d e s t y b u t s h e s u g g e s t e d I c o v e r m y s e l f m o r e , t h a t I do u p the t o p b u t t o n o n m y kurta, that I wear an orni, that I hide t h e s t r i n g o f m y pajamas f r o m v i e w . S h e said, ' E v e r y t h i n g has c h a n g e d i n I n d i a . P e o p l e h a v e n o fear a n y m o r e . A n d t h e y are fed o n t h e s e dreadful H i n d i films. T h e R a i k a g o t o P u s h k a r a n d see w e s t e r n girls, d r u g addicts, g o i n g off w i t h taxi wallahs for fifty r u p e e s . . . Y o u m u s t b e carefulV T h e c a m e l h e r d e r d i s a p p e a r e d i n t o t h e dust, s i n g i n g his h e a d off a n d d e c l a i m i n g his m a n h o o d t o t h e j u n g l e . W h e n it w a s t i m e t o g o T e e p u t o o k m e aside a n d w h i s ­ p e r e d , ' G o l d is c h e a p i n y o u r c o u n t r y . W h e n y o u c o m e b a c k , y o u b r i n g m e s o m e a n d w e w i l l b u r y it w h e r e n o o n e k n o w s . ' Six w e e k s s p e d b y . I v i s i t e d a n y n u m b e r o f villages g a t h e r i n g bits a n d p i e c e s o f i n f o r m a t i o n , all o f it c o n f l i c t i n g . S o m e g r o u p s h a d sold their herds a n d taken t o farming, or g o n e to seek their f o r t u n e s i n B o m b a y , o r w e r e selling m i l k - a t a b o o o c c u p a t i o n u n t i l r e c e n t l y . A n d t h o s e w h o still m i g r a t e d e i t h e r w e n t i n a c o n ­ t r a r y d i r e c t i o n , o r h a d already b e e n , o r d i d n o t h a v e t o g o b e c a u s e o f g o o d rains, o r s e n t t h e m e n a n d left t h e w o m e n b e h i n d . T h e o n l y t h i n g c e r t a i n a b o u t a n y p l a n I m a d e was t h a t a day, at m o s t a w e e k b e f o r e e x e c u t i o n , it d i s i n t e g r a t e d . T h a t I w a s t h e r e b y p a r t i c i ­ p a t i n g i n t h e reality o f n o m a d s w h o s e m o v e m e n t s d e p e n d e d o n s u c h vagaries as t h e w e a t h e r a n d t h e c o r r u p t i b i l i t y o f p o l i t i c i a n s d i d n o t ease m y a n x i e t y . W h e n e v e r I t h o u g h t I h a d f o u n d a g r o u p , s o m e e l e m e n t essential t o m y o w n o r t h e m a g a z i n e ' s r e q u i r e m e n t s w o u l d b e found to b e missing. O r the people themselves w o u l d t h i n k b e t t e r o f it b e c a u s e if s o m e t h i n g h a p p e n e d t o m e , w o u l d n ' t they b e blamed? T h e graciousness o f t h e rural p o o r w h i c h I every­ where

encountered,

their

exaggerated

courtesies

which

so

c h a r m e d m e a n d w h i c h at all costs t h e y s t r u g g l e d t o m a i n t a i n , w a s a d i g n i t y o f l i v i n g w h i c h h i d a r e s e r v o i r o f s u s p i c i o n a n d fear. I d r o v e m y j e e p f r o m village t o village u n t i l t h e G u l f W a r started and India ran o u t of petrol.

2

I f I h a d t o b e s t r a n d e d a n y w h e r e N a r e n d r a ' s f a r m w a s as g o o d a p l a c e as I c o u l d w i s h for. A little isolated p e r h a p s as n o o n e w i t h i n c o o e e c o u l d s p e a k E n g l i s h a n d m y h o s t w a s s e l d o m at h o m e . B u t I c o u l d p u t t h e e m p t y days t o g o o d u s e b y s t u d y i n g H i n d i o n t h e p r i n c i p l e t h a t o n c e I h a d a b s o r b e d its s y n t a x , it w o u l d b e b u t a small step t o p i c k i n g u p M a r w a r i o r G o r w a r i o r D i n g l e — o r a n y o f t h e o t h e r r e l a t e d l a n g u a g e s t h a t t h e R a b a r i m i g h t speak. I h a d a l a n g u a g e cassette a n d a c c o m p a n y i n g b o o k o f g r a m m a r b u t w h a t t h e y h a d n ' t t o l d m e i n L o n d o n w a s t h a t this w a s ' s h u d ' H i n d i , t h a t is, H i n d i so h i g h , flowery a n d c o n v o l u t e d t h a t n o o n e b u t n e w s r e a d e r s a n d professors c o u l d u n d e r s t a n d it. T h e e x p l a n a ­ t i o n s w e r e so a r c a n e I w o u l d h a v e m a d e m o r e h e a d w a y w i t h a t e x t b o o k o n particle physics. E v e n t u a l l y I a b a n d o n e d it. N o o n e o n t h e f a r m s p o k e H i n d i so it s e e m e d m o r e sensible t o t r y t o p i c k u p M a r w a r i f r o m t h e s e r v ­ ants. T h e y w e r e all illiterate so I h a d t o i n v e n t m y o w n w r i t t e n s y s t e m for t h e t o n g u e - t o r t u r i n g p h o n e m e s . T h e y d i d t h e i r b e s t for m e , b r i n g i n g tea t o m y r o o m a n d staying for b i r i , j o k e s a n d r e c i p r o c a l E n g l i s h lessons b u t t h e effort o f c o m m u n i c a t i n g w a s exhausting. I found that w h e n I tried to converse with

them,

French w o u l d c o m e o u t or s o m e mixture of H i n d i and Japanese. O r w o r s e , t h a t all t h e l a n g u a g e s w o u l d c l o g t h e s p e e c h c h a n n e l so t h a t n o t h i n g c a m e o u t at all. E v e n A b o r i g i n a l w o r d s , u n u s e d for m o r e t h a n a d o z e n y e a r s , rose f r o m t h e b o t t o m o f m e m o r y t o m u d d y t h e l a n g u a g e I so d e s p e r a t e l y n e e d e d t o m a s t e r . A s t h e r e w a s n o o n e t o talk t o , a n d as t h e servants refused t o b e l i e v e t h a t I actually e n j o y e d d o i n g t h i n g s for myself, t h e after­ n o o n s i n paradise b e c a m e a little b o r i n g . S e r v a n t s c o o k e d 27

the

meals, they sent the washing

to the

dhobi

(launderer),

they

c l e a n e d m y r o o m , t h e y r u s h e d t o c a r r y m y bags, t h e y w e r e aghast at t h e i d e a t h a t I s h o u l d w a n t t o stack t h e l o g fire - a n d if I w e n t to the kitchen to try to c o o k s o m e food that wasn't

flammable

w i t h chilli, t h e y h o v e r e d a n d g r i n n e d i n a p a i n e d s o r t o f w a y . N o d o u b t t h e i r S a h i b h a d left i n s t r u c t i o n s t h a t I was t o b e w e l l c a r e d for a n d w h a t m i g h t t h e S a h i b t h i n k o f t h e m if h e k n e w I w a s d o i n g t h e i r j o b . I gave i n t o t h e i r m i n i s t r a t i o n s o f c o u r s e , b u t t h e desire t o r u n , t o lift, t o do — t h e habits o f a lifetime — c o u l d n o t b e q u e l l e d so q u i c k l y . Sometimes

I accompanied Mornat

t o a n e a r b y forest.

We

w o u l d w a l k t o g e t h e r for a c o u p l e o f h o u r s w h i l e h e s h o w e d m e t h e tracks o f w i l d a n i m a l s a n d t r i e d t o t e a c h m e t h e i r n a m e s . H e h a d t h e h a b i t o f b r i n g i n g his h a n d s t o g e t h e r i n a n a m a s t e at t h e slightest a c k n o w l e d g e m e n t o f his p r e s e n c e . A n y smile, a n y a t t e m p t t o address h i m , a n d his b o d y w o u l d s h r i n k a n d

the

h a n d s w o u l d c o m e u p - t h e tic o f s o m e o n e u s e d t o l i v i n g o n t h e b o t t o m o f t h e h e a p . B u t i n t h e j u n g l e , his t r u e e n v i r o n m e n t , his spirit e x p a n d e d ( t h o u g h t h e h a n d s c o n t i n u e d t o fly t o his chest) a n d I w a s able t o r u n , t o lift, t o d o . O f t e n his t w o sons w o u l d a c c o m p a n y us. T h e y h a d t h e i r father's g y p s y features

-

h o o k e d n o s e a n d a gaze c o n t a i n i n g distances — b u t u n l i k e h i m t h e y h a d n o t y e t b e e n h u m b l e d . T h e y s t o o d p r o u d as sea c a p ­ tains a n d l o o k e d d i r e c d y i n t o m y eyes, l a u g h i n g . A f t e r w a r d s

I

w o u l d g o t o t h e i r c a m p t o b e m e t b y fifty h u n t i n g d o g s w h i c h M o r n a t b e a t i n t o s u b m i s s i o n w i t h a stick, t h e n s t r o k e d w i t h t h e t e n d e r n e s s o f a St Francis w h e n t h e y c a m e c r a w l i n g o n

their

bellies t o his feet. I always t o o k a b o t t l e w i t h m e a n d t h e J o g i s w o u l d dance, t h u m p i n g d r u m s and twirling handkerchiefs until t h o r o u g h l y d r u n k , w h e t h e r o n m u s i c o r r o t - g u t w h i s k y it w a s difficult t o tell. If I h e a r d N a r e n d r a ' s j e e p a r r i v e late at n i g h t I w o u l d p e e k through

my

curtains

at

dawn

to

see

him

performing

his

pujas (prayers) at a s h r i n e b y t h e w e l l . T h e m a n s e e m e d n e v e r t o sleep. O n c e I h a d g o n e across t o t h e k i t c h e n at t h r e e i n t h e m o r n i n g t o find h i m w a s h e d a n d p r e s s e d a n d sitting at his desk, working. W h e n I first m e t h i m a d e c a d e a g o , I h a d i m a g i n e d a k i n d o f 28

rural establishment d a n d y d r o p p i n g into the Legislature n o w a n d t h e n for a c h a t w i t h his fellow p r i n c e s . B u t n o w , as I w a t c h e d h i m p e r f o r m , I r e g a r d e d his political c o m m i t m e n t w i t h

something

a p p r o a c h i n g a w e . H e w o r k e d t w e n t y h o u r s a day a n d h e w a s n ' t e v e n i n office. ( H e h a d lost his seat i n t h e R a j a s t h a n Legislative Assembly, in t h e previous election, by eighty votes, a n d was n o w demanding a re-count.) His kindness towards m e was unflagging b u t the princely c o u r ­ tesy w h i c h , d e s p i t e his anti-feudalist s t a n c e w a s as n a t u r a l t o h i m as b r e a t h i n g , m a d e for a c e r t a i n reserve. B e s i d e s t h a t , o n m y rare forays i n t o ' J o d h p u r s o c i e t y ' I h a d b e e n u n a b l e t o a v o i d

the

r u m o u r s c i r c u l a t i n g a b o u t h i m . N o o n e s e e m e d able t o say e x a c t l y what h e h a d d o n e w r o n g , o n l y t h a t h e had d o n e w r o n g . I k n e w t h a t h e h a d b r o k e n social c o d e s — h e h a d d i v o r c e d his w i f e , lived o p e n l y w i t h his lover, h a d fallen o u t w i t h c e r t a i n m e m b e r s o f his family - b u t n o n e o f t h e s e s e e m e d h e i n o u s t o m e . All m y i n s t i n c t s h a d l e d m e t o t r u s t a n d like N a r e n d r a b u t t h e gossip m a d e m e j u s t a tiny bit w a r y of h i m . W h e n e v e r h e w a s h o m e o n e o f t h e servants w o u l d c o m e t o i n v i t e m e t o a n e v e n i n g m e a l b y t h e l o g fire w i t h ' S a h i b ' . A n d as I prepared myself I w o u l d declare that tonight I w o u l d m a k e u p m y m i n d about h i m . B u t inevitably, in t h e midst of the b o u n t y of the m e a l , o f t h e d r i n k a n d firelight a n d stars, a n a w k w a r d n e s s w o u l d d e s c e n d . If I asked q u e s t i o n s a b o u t his life h e a n s w e r e d

them

o p e n l y b u t w o u l d offer n o t h i n g f u r t h e r . H e n e v e r i n d u l g e d i n gossip o r s l a n d e r a n d if I h i n t e d at t h e stories I h a d h e a r d a b o u t h i m h e did n o t defend himself b u t retreated into

thoughtful

silence. It w a s as if h e h a d l e a r n t t o m i s t r u s t w o r d s early o n , b u t h a d d e v e l o p e d a c o m p e n s a t o r y gift: h e c o u l d r e a d o t h e r s w i t h o u t , i n t u r n , b e i n g read. O n t h e s e o c c a s i o n s h e s e e m e d t o b e

the

l o n e l i e s t m a n o n e a r t h a n d t h a t i n itself w a s e x t r a o r d i n a r y i n a c u l t u r e w h e r e e v e r y o n e is f u n d a m e n t a l l y a m e m b e r o f a g r o u p . I w a s l o n e l y t o o . L o n e l y e n o u g h t o b e d e l i g h t e d w h e n his j e e p a r r i v e d , y e t e q u a l l y p l e a s e d t o r e t r e a t i n t o m y o w n little r o o m after a n o t h e r i n c o n c l u s i v e e v e n i n g a r o u n d t h e fire. As I lay a w a k e at n i g h t p o n d e r i n g m y s t r a n g e c i r c u m s t a n c e s , I felt as if I h a d strayed into an Emily Bronte novel. : S o t h e days o f t r y i n g t o find s o m e t h i n g t o d o , o f r e a d i n g b o o k

after b o o k , o f w a t c h i n g t h e p r o g r e s s o f t h e w a r o n H i n d i t e l e ­ v i s i o n , w o r e i n t o w e e k s . A n d i n t o t h e spaces left b y idleness, a n d b y N a r e n d r a ' s silence, c r e p t d i s q u i e t . T h e

stories against

him

b e c a m e m o r e dramatic. T h e r e were hints of crimes — murder, g u n d a h s , g u n s - b u t w h e n I t r i e d t o elicit facts, it w a s like r u n n i n g after leaves i n a s t o r m . I u n d e r s t o o d , d i m l y , t h a t I w a s b e i n g s o l i ­ c i t e d i n a k i n d o f family war. B u t I d i d n o t k n o w e n o u g h a b o u t t h e R a j p u t s , at t h e t i m e , t o u n d e r s t a n d t h e rivalries a n d i n t r i g u e s t h a t m u s t h a v e i g n i t e d i n t h e feudal c o u r t s , a n d w h i c h c o n t i n u e d t o b u r n a l o n g e x t e n d e d family s t r u c t u r e s . T h e e l a b o r a t e p u b l i c displays o f t h o s e royal families h a d always c a m o u f l a g e d t h e m o s t r u t h l e s s p o w e r struggles.

~ -

O n e n i g h t after a n e v e n i n g m e a l I saw m y h o s t , t h r o u g h his l i g h t e d w i n d o w , t a k e a r e v o l v e r f r o m his b a g a n d p l a c e it u n d e r his pillow. I felt a flutter o f fear at t h e base o f m y t h r o a t . It is s a l u t a r y t o find o u t t h a t y o u are n o t as i m p e r v i o u s t o m a l i g n a n t gossip as y o u w o u l d like t o t h i n k . P e r h a p s if I h a d n o t h a d access t o p e o p l e w i t h a different p e r s p e c t i v e o n N a r e n d r a I w o u l d h a v e r e m a i n e d mistrustful o f h i m forever. B u t y o u c a n tell a l o t a b o u t a m a n f r o m t h e q u a l i t y o f fidelity h e inspires i n t h e f e w friends h e allows t o g e t close. T h e r e w e r e p e o p l e w h o l o v e d a n d a d m i r e d h i m a n d f r o m t h e m I p i e c e d t o g e t h e r a r a t h e r different p i c t u r e . It t o o k a l o n g t i m e , b u t e v e n t u a l l y I was t o u n d e r s t a n d t h a t t h e r e a s o n h e was p e r s e c u t e d h a d less t o d o w i t h his m i s d e e d s t h a n w i t h his a t t i t u d e . W i t h i n t h e c o m m u n i t y h e c a m e from b e h a v ­ i o u r is c o d i f i e d . O n e is n o t j u d g e d for i n d i v i d u a l g o o d o r evil d e e d s , b u t for w h e t h e r o n e r e m a i n s faithful t o t h e status q u o , t o t h e o l d p o w e r s t r u c t u r e s a n d m o r a l i t i e s o f feudal

Rajasthan.

A c c o r d i n g t o t h a t o l d e r m o r a l i t y it is b e t t e r for a m a n t o b e a h y p o c r i t e t h a n t o b e t r u t h f u l a n d risk m a k i n g w a v e s . N a r e n d r a was s o m e k i n d of n e w thing, a maverick, rooted in t h e traditional b u t o p e n to n e w ways of being. In d u e t i m e t h e flutter at t h e b a s e o f m y t h r o a t w o u l d b e r e s e r v e d for t h e w o r l d i n w h i c h h e m o v e d — political I n d i a , w h e r e p e o p l e w h o m a d e waves c o u l d b e m a d e t o d i s a p p e a r b e n e a t h t h e m . Pistols u n d e r p i l l o w s c a n b e as m u c h for d e f e n c e as for a g g r e s s i o n . H e b e l o n g e d t o t h e C o n g r e s s I. B u t t o t h i n k t h a t e x p l a i n e d a n y t h i n g w a s t o b e t r a y a n i g n o r a n c e o f I n d i a n politics. It was as 30

m u c h t h e sclerotic o l d g u a r d o f his o w n p a r t y t h a t

Narendra

b a t t l e d as t h e o p p o s i t i o n . T h e l e a d e r s o f b o t h sides w e r e t h e real p o w e r r u n n i n g R a j a s t h a n , t h e o n e s r a k i n g i n t h e profits t o b e m a d e o u t o f politics. S o m e w e r e m e m b e r s o f o l d l a n d e d families or of n e w e r nexuses of m o n e y and power. N o n e of t h e m w a n t e d the c o r r u p t i o n challenged. T o N a r e n d r a t h e m o s t i m p o r t a n t issue c o n f r o n t i n g I n d i a w a s increasing H i n d u fundamentalism. Even from the depths of m y i g n o r a n c e it h a d b e e n i m p o s s i b l e n o t t o n o t i c e h o w t h e d i s ­ course

had

changed.

Ten

years

ago

another's

religion

had

seldom b e e n referred to. N o w , from m a n y H i n d u s , particularly i n t h e m i d d l e class, I h e a r d if n o t a n t i - M u s l i m s e n t i m e n t s least a l a c k o f o u t r i g h t wave. A n d

from

condemnation

Muslims, w h o

formed

of the

at

fundamentalist

ten per cent of

the

p o p u l a t i o n , t h e b e g i n n i n g s o f a fear p s y c h o s i s . It w a s like w i t n e s s ­ i n g t h e s p r e a d o f a disease, its effects t o o elusive at first t o b e frightening, t h e n t o o powerful

t o halt. N o

doubt

there

had

always b e e n t e n s i o n b e t w e e n t h e t w o c o m m u n i t i e s i n h e r e n t i n t h e i r g r o u p i d e n t i t i e s . T h e B r i t i s h h a d e x p l o i t e d t h a t t e n s i o n for p o l i t i c a l e n d s a n d n o w t h e H i n d u nationalist o r g a n i z a t i o n s w e r e d o i n g t h e s a m e . B e c a u s e o f t h e d e c a y o f t h e state, disgust w i t h t h e c o r r u p t i o n o f C o n g r e s s (a c o r r u p t i o n t h a t has b e e n c y c l e d t h r o u g h a c o u p l e o f generations since I n d e p e n d e n c e , a c c u m u l a t ­ i n g like D D T

in the b o d y politic), the insecurities

brought

about by the problems in Kashmir and the Punjab, and

the

pressures o f m o d e r n i z a t i o n , p e o p l e w e r e m o r e o p e n t o t h e i d e a o f a p a r t y w h i c h p r o m i s e d a cleaner, m o r e r i g o r o u s k i n d

of

r u l e , w h i c h a p p e a l e d t o H i n d u p r i d e b y e v o k i n g a false past — a n d w h i c h , i n its p o l i t i c a l u s e o f t h e m o r e fanatical

revivalist

m o v e m e n t s , w a s similar i n style t o t h e N a t i o n a l Socialists

of

pre-war Germany. O n l y o n c e d i d I m a n a g e t o r o u s e N a r e n d r a o u t o f his t a c i t u r n i ­ t y . I said t h a t I h a d always c o n s i d e r e d p o l i t i c i a n s t o b e t h e n a t u r a l e n e m y a n d t h a t I n d i a n o n e s s e e m e d t o b e a m o r e vile species t h a n m o s t . H e p u t his d r i n k d o w n f i r m l y a n d said, ' F o r politics t o b e a n y t h i n g b u t filthy i n this c o u n t r y , h o n e s t p e o p l e w h o h a v e t h e r e s o u r c e s m u s t g e t i n v o l v e d a n d n o t sit o n t h e sidelines c o m p l a i n ­ i n g . All y o u r pressure g r o u p s a n d activists are fine a n d n e c e s s a r y , 3i

b u t it is i n p a r l i a m e n t t h a t l e g i s l a t i o n is e n a c t e d a n d c h a n g e d . H a l f a dozen g o o d people in top positions can bring about e n o r m o u s c h a n g e . If t h e y a r e n ' t o n t h e take, t h e r o t is s t o p p e d t h r o u g h t h e w h o l e system.' I d i d n ' t h a v e a c l u e h o w t o f u n c t i o n i n s i d e t h a t s y s t e m . It w a s utterly bewildering to m e . W h e n e v e r Narendra came h o m e there I w o u l d b e w i t h a t h o u s a n d q u e r i e s , a t h o u s a n d p r o b l e m s . 'Just leave e v e r y t h i n g t o m e , ' h e w o u l d say. B u t I d i d n o t w a n t t o leave everything to h i m . I w a n t e d to learn the rules, to

understand

w h e r e I w a s a n d act a c c o r d i n g l y . B u t t r y i n g t o u n d e r s t a n d t h e intricacies

of

inter-family,

inter-caste,

inter-political,

inter-

c o m m u n a l , i n t e r - p e r s o n a l r e l a t i o n s h i p s i n a s o c i e t y t h a t was g o i n g t h r o u g h p r o f o u n d u p h e a v a l w a s like b e i n g i n a r o o m o f m i r r o r s . J u s t w h e n y o u t h i n k y o u h a v e w o r k e d o u t w h a t reality is, y o u b u m p y o u r n o s e o n glass. All o f t h e m — M i n u , t h e C o l o n e l , N a r e n d r a — h a d often said I was very Indian in m y ways. I did n o t quite k n o w w h a t they m e a n t b u t I t o o k it as a c o m p l i m e n t . It w a s t r u e t h a t I h a d always felt at ease i n this c u l t u r e , h a d liked, for w a n t o f a b e t t e r w o r d , I n d i a n n e s s - t h e w a y p e o p l e offered t h e m s e l v e s t o y o u , frankly, o p e n l y , w a r m l y ; t h e w a y i n w h i c h o n e ' s b e i n g was as i m p o r t a n t as one's doing; the capacity to tolerate contradiction in h u m a n b e h a v ­ i o u r . B u t n o w t h a t I h a d t o live h e r e , u n d e r s t a n d h e r e , e v e r y t h i n g I saw o n l y i n t e n s i f i e d m y b e w i l d e r m e n t . A n d this, c o u p l e d w i t h m y failure t o m a k e a n y progress w i t h t h e R a b a r i , b r o u g h t a b o u t s o m e ­ thing of a decline in morale. Six m o n t h s a g o t h e w a y a h e a d h a d b e e n clear. I w o u l d s i m p l y c o m e t o R a j a s t h a n a n d e v e r y t h i n g w o u l d fall i n t o p l a c e . I h a d w r i t t e n a v e r y fine b o o k i n m y h e a d b e f o r e a r r i v i n g , w i t h o u t setting p e n to paper. B u t h a d I c o m e t o o precipitately? Shouldn't I h a v e s t u d i e d t h e l a n g u a g e first? H o w c o u l d I t a k e c o n t r o l o f a n y ­ t h i n g w i t h o u t t h e possibility o f c o m m u n i c a t i o n ?

There

were

t h r e e l a n g u a g e s t o l e a r n a n d I w a s g e t t i n g n o w h e r e w i t h all o f t h e m . Besides, h o w could I decide w h i c h language t o c o n c e n t r a t e o n w i t h o u t first k n o w i n g w h i c h g r o u p o f R a b a r i I w o u l d e n d u p with? T h e editors were w o r r i e d . M y proposal had led t h e m to b e l i e v e t h a t w h o l e villages still left o n m i g r a t i o n . S o m e w h e r e i n I n d i a this w a s t r u e . T h e p r o b l e m was f i n d i n g o u t w h e r e , w h e n a n d 32

w h o w i t h o u t a t e l e p h o n e , c o m m o n l a n g u a g e s o r fuel. T h e a u g u ­ ries h a d b e e n irresistible. N o w I w o n d e r e d if fate h a d s e d u c e d m e i n t o this i n a fit o f spite. I m i g h t h a v e c o n s i d e r e d s e t t i n g sail for E n g l a n d if t h e r e h a d n ' t arrived,

courtesy

year-old Rajput

of

Narendra,

the

handsomest

twenty-five-

i n I n d i a , w i t h t h e largest w h i t e s t smile, t h e

curliest, blackest m o u s t a c h e a n d t h e m o s t a m i a b l e a n d

serene

d i s p o s i t i o n - K o j u S i n g h , m y driver. K o j u w a s a n illiterate villager w h o h a d s p e n t his life i n t h e d e s e r t p l o u g h i n g d u s t w i t h o x e n . H o w w a s it possible t h a t this m a n w h o h a d n e v e r r e a d a r o a d sign c o u l d b e so g l a m o r o u s , so p e r s p i c a c i o u s , so w i s e a n d self-possessed? P r i v a t e l y I called h i m Dreamboat. It w a s t r u e t h a t I c o u l d n o t see D r e a m b o a t c o m i n g t o w a r d s m e , c o u l d n o t see t h a t g r i n at a h u n d r e d y a r d s ' d i s t a n c e

flashing

t h r o u g h t h e trees, w i t h o u t feeling a w a r m glow. B u t I h a s t e n t o a d d for t h e b e n e f i t o f t h e p r u r i e n t t h a t this

flirtation

never devel­

o p e d b e y o n d o n e single, n e v e r - t o - b e - r e p e a t e d h a n d s h a k e . N o r w o u l d it h a v e o c c u r r e d t o K o j u t h a t a n y t h i n g o t h e r t h a n a h a n d ­ s h a k e w e r e t h i n k a b l e . H e w a s m y gallant, m y p r o t e c t o r . I w a s his j o b . A n d w h a t e v e r a t t r a c t i o n lay b e n e a t h o u r m u t u a l r e g a r d , it n e v e r m a n i f e s t e d itself b e y o n d a p r o p r i e t o r i a l a t t i t u d e i n h i m a n d a barely concealed favouritism from m e . H e o w n e d o n l y t w o r a g g e d sets o f c l o t h e s . W h e n h e w a s h e d at t h e w e l l e a c h day, a t o w e l w r a p p e d a r o u n d his waist, h e w o u l d also w a s h e i t h e r a k u r t a t o p o r a p a j a m a b o t t o m . I gave h i m a n o u t f i t o f m i n e - nicely tailored cream c o t t o n . T h e following m o r n i n g h e t o o k a n e x t r a l o n g t i m e at t h e w e l l . B r i l l i a n t i n e w a s a p p l i e d . Moustaches were twirled. Preening behaviour occurred. T h e n h e disappeared into the servants' quarters. I r e t u r n e d to m y b o o k , the h o t feeling i n m y face r e t u r n e d t o its r i g h t f u l p l a c e . T e n m i n u t e s l a t e r I b e c a m e a w a r e o f t h e smell o f rose oil. I l o o k e d u p a n d t h e r e w a s K o j u s t a n d i n g b e s i d e m e , his g r i n w r a p p e d f r o m o n e r u b y s t u d d e d e a r t o t h e o t h e r , m y c l o t h e s l o o k i n g as if t h e y ' d b e e n d r a p e d o n an lisquire m o d e l . ' K o j u ji,' I said i n E n g l i s h , feeling t h e h e a t r e t u r n , ' y o u l o o k very handsome.' H e grabbed a b u n c h of p i n k bougainvillaea and t h r u s t it i n a b u t t o n h o l e o f his n e w k u r t a . W e h a d n o 33

common

l a n g u a g e b u t t h e b o u g a i n v i l l a e a was e l o q u e n t . T h e n , p e r h a p s feel­ i n g t h a t his g e s t u r e was m a w k i s h , h e l o o k e d e m b a r r a s s e d , t o o k t h e flowers o u t a n d b a c k e d away. B u t t h e r e w a s n o d o u b t t h a t I h a d f o u n d t h e w a y t o his v a i n R a j p u t heart.

3 A m e r i c a n s w a v e d flags i n t h e i r streets, Iraqis m o p p e d u p b l o o d i n t h e i r s . T h e K u w a i t i r u l i n g family c a m e h o m e t o initiate t h e t o r ­ t u r e o f a n y o n e t h e y d i d n ' t like. A r m s dealers c o u n t e d t h e i r w i n ­ nings. In India those children w h o had decided n o t to i m m o l a t e t h e m s e l v e s as t h e i r c h u m s h a d d o n e i n p r o t e s t against t h e M a n d a l C o m m i s s i o n w e n t b a c k t o s c h o o l . R e l i g i o u s fanatics c o o l e d d o w n t e m p o r a r i l y , t h e b e t t e r t o i n c i t e h a t r e d a n o t h e r day. Politicians t h r e w chairs at e a c h o t h e r i n p a r l i a m e n t . P e t r o l d r i b b l e d b a c k i n t o b o w s e r s . All w a s r i g h t w i t h t h e w o r l d again. B u t w a s it really useful, I asked myself, t o travel w i t h a b u n c h o f n o m a d s n o o n e has e v e r h e a r d o f ? S o w h a t if t h e R a b a r i w i l l b e e x t i n c t w i t h i n fifty years? W h o i n t h e w o r l d w i l l give a d a m n ? A n d w h a t g o o d w o u l d it d o t h e m e v e n if a t h o u s a n d p e o p l e , e v e n if a m i l l i o n p e o p l e , did give a d a m n ? A n d so w h a t if n o m a d i s m was a b o u t t o g o o u t , p h u t , like a c a n d l e , t h e w h o l e w o r l d over? T h e culture of the m i l l e n n i u m had bigger things to w o r r y about. B u t I'd c o m m i t t e d m y s e l f a n d t h e r e was n o t u r n i n g b a c k . T h e C h a i t r i festival — a n a n n u a l livestock fair - w a s t o start i n a f e w w e e k s . T h e r e , I c o u l d b u y m y s e l f s o m e c a m e l s a n d D i l i p c o u l d fly i n f r o m D e l h i o r C a n a d a o r w h e r e v e r h e w a s t o t a k e his p i c t u r e s . A l o n g t h e w a y I w o u l d call i n at R a b a r i d h a n i s (hamlets) u n t i l I found just that group . . . M e a n w h i l e I visited several villages w i t h K o j u b u t , as I h a d n o t b e e n able t o f i n d a n i n t e r p r e t e r , t h e n e t s I p u l l e d u p w e r e e m p t y . Often

I w o u l d d r i v e for t e n hellish h o u r s for a

prearranged

m e e t i n g , o n l y t o find t h a t m y i n f o r m a n t h a d d i s a p p e a r e d t o a w e d d i n g o r a d e a t h o r h a d j u s t d i s a p p e a r e d . A n d w h e n I d i d find s o m e o n e w h o p u r p o r t e d to b e 'the representative of the R a b a r i ' , 35

m y o b s e s s i o n w i t h t h e specific w a s usually m e t w i t h v a g u e n e s s o r w i t h p r o m i s e s o f assistance w h i c h v a n i s h e d w h e n

delivery

t i m e c a m e . O t h e r s , l u r e d b y t h e smell o f ' p h o r e n ' w e a l t h , offered t h e i r d o u b t f u l services for f a b u l o u s s u m s . Eventually I found o n e y o u n g m a n -

P u r n e n d u Kaavori —

w h o w o r k e d at t h e I n s t i t u t e for D e v e l o p m e n t S t u d i e s i n J a i p u r . H e h a d travelled w i t h a g r o u p o f R a j p u t graziers i n t o H a r y a n a , later w r i t i n g a thesis a b o u t t h e m . H e w a s p l e a s e d t o offer a d v i c e a n d h e l p b u t w a r n e d m e t h a t h e , a local w h o s p o k e t h e l a n g u a g e , h a d h a d g r e a t difficulty i n p e r s u a d i n g a n y g r o u p t o t a k e h i m o n migration. T h e y

would

be

doubly

uncertain

about

taking

a

woman. N a r e n d r a as u s u a l c a m e t o t h e r e s c u e . I n t h e m i d d l e o f a s c h e d ­ u l e t h a t w o u l d kill a p e r s o n o f lesser vitality, h e h a d m a n a g e d t o find B h a i r o n S i n g h R a i k a — a n e x - n o m a d , n o w c o n s t a b l e i n t h e R a j a s t h a n p o l i c e force - w h o m I c o u l d e m p l o y t o liaise w i t h the Rabari. F o r o u r first i n t e r v i e w B h a i r o n S i n g h w o r e D a c r o n s t o v e p i p e s a n d a w h i t e n y l o n shirt w h i c h c l u n g , sweatily, t o his c o n c a v e chest. W h e n h e b o a s t e d o f t h e level o f fitness r e q u i r e d t o e n t e r t h e p o l i c e force a n d h o w m a n y o t h e r a p p l i c a n t s less physically e n ­ d o w e d t h a n h i m s e l f h a d fallen b y t h e w a y s i d e , it w a s difficult n o t t o smile. H e w a s o n e o f t h e h a l f - d o z e n R a i k a i n s e r v i c e , h e c o u l d s p e a k a little H i n d i , k n e w all t h e R a i k a f r o m J o d h p u r t o J u p i t e r a n d p l e n t y o f o t h e r s as w e l l , a n d w o u l d , h e assured m e , b e able t o e x p l a i n t h e s i t u a t i o n t o less c o s m o p o l i t a n m e m b e r s o f his caste. H e w o u l d a c c o m p a n y m e t o C h a i t r i livestock festival t o assist i n t h e p u r c h a s e o f t h e c a m e l s ; h e w o u l d m o s t c e r t a i n l y find m e a d a n g ( m i g r a t i n g h e r d ) t o travel w i t h . I n t h e m e a n t i m e w o u l d I like t o a t t e n d a R a i k a w e d d i n g i n his o w n village, B a a b a r a ?

•.xcv'v--

T h e n e x t d a y w e all t o o k o u r s p o o n f u l o f t h e proffered j a g g e r y a n d y o g u r t , K o j u b r o u g h t his h a n d s t o g e t h e r i n p r a y e r

before

s t a r t i n g t h e e n g i n e a n d , t h u s fortified against b a d l u c k , B h a i r o n , K o j u a n d I q u i t t h e f a r m gates. T h i s t i m e , I felt sure, t h e l o g j a m was g o i n g t o m o v e .

-

••

•

A c o o l d e s e r t w i n d w r a p p e d us i n d u s t as w e s p e d a l o n g t h e b i t u m e n . T h e r e w a s n o h o r i z o n . T r e e s e m e r g e d b y t h e side o f t h e r o a d , t o b e s w a l l o w e d u p a g a i n b y t h e d u n pastel o f o u r c o c o o n . 36

'Yesssss!' s h o u t e d B h a i r o n , e j e c t i n g m e o u t o f r e v e r i e w i t h a b a n g o n t h e s h o u l d e r . ' R a i k a ! ' T h e j e e p flashed past a s m u d g e o f r e d a n d glitter, a n d c a m e l s c o n c e a l e d a m o n g t h e trees. T h e d e e p e r w e penetrated Bhairon's c o u n t r y the happier and m o r e garrulous h e became. Every R a i k a w e spotted precipitated another bellowing 'yesss' a n d a l o t o f h y s t e r i c a l b o u n c i n g a r o u n d i n t h e b a c k seat. Koju drove implacably o n until w e reached o u r destination — Baabara, a cluster of old stone bungalows. Bhairon's people had previously b e e n camel breeders from the n o r t h e r n deserts. T h e y h a d a r r i v e d i n this m o r e fertile area a c o u p l e o f g e n e r a t i o n s a g o , t a k e n o v e r a n a l m o s t a b a n d o n e d village, s w i t c h e d t o s h e e p a n d w e r e n o w b e t t e r off a n d b e t t e r o r g a n i z e d t h a n m a n y o t h e r s o f t h e i r caste. I m p o r t a n t r e s o u r c e s w e r e l o c a t e d nearby in Jaipur: merchants, w o o l depots, veterinary

hospitals

a n d various g o v e r n m e n t agencies to control migration.

Their

flocks n u m b e r e d i n t h e t h o u s a n d s , e a r n i n g t h e m t h e n i c k n a m e o f 'migrating millionaires'. I had b e e n told that s o m e

politicians

and wealthy landowners w e r e in the habit of giving their o w n sheep to these p e o p l e to take o n m i g r a t i o n and that

through

t h e s e m e n t h e graziers c o u l d g a i n illegal access t o p r o t e c t e d ( a n d r a p i d l y d i s a p p e a r i n g ) forests. W h e n I asked B h a i r o n a b o u t this he pretended not to understand the question. I w a s u s h e r e d i n t o B h a i r o n ' s h o m e . U p six

front

steps t o a

c o u r t y a r d b o r d e r e d b y a n L - s h a p e d h o u s e c o n s i s t i n g o f a r o o m for t h e buffalo, a k i t c h e n a n d t w o b e d r o o m s . M r s B h a i r o n b r o u g h t h e r o n l y c h a i r o u t i n t o t h e c o u r t y a r d . I w a s m a d e t o sit o n it like a r e i g n i n g m o n a r c h w h i l e K o j u was g i v e n t h e c h a r p o i . C r o w d s g a t h ­ e r e d , i n t r o d u c t i o n s w e r e m a d e . B h a i r o n b u s t l e d a b o u t a n d gave c o m m a n d s t o his p r e g n a n t wife w h o , I i m a g i n e d , w o r e a l o n g suffering l o o k u n d e r h e r p i n k o r n i . All I h a d t o d o was s m i l e a g r e a t deal a n d a c c e p t , g r a c i o u s l y , his o r g y o f g e n e r o s i t y . W e w e r e p l i e d w i t h t h e b e s t f o o d h e c o u l d offer, d r e n c h e d i n e x p e n s i v e g h e e . I w a s n ' t h u n g r y b u t n o t w i s h i n g t o insult o u r h o s t I w a t c h e d K o j u for clues. A r o n d o o f e t i q u e t t e e n s u e d : K o j u raising his h a n d s p o l i t e l y t o refuse t h e h o v e r i n g ladle, B h a i r o n cajoling, K o j u a c q u i ­ escing to a tiny morsel, only to have a quarter p o u n d of h o t ghee d u m p e d o n his plate. L a t e r h e e x p l a i n e d , ' F o r M a r w a r i m a n , g u e s t is m o s t i m p o r t a n t . ' 37

O u r s t o m a c h s s w o l l e n , o u r b e l c h e s p o l i t e l y t h u n d e r o u s , it w a s t i m e t o socialize. I w a s s h o w n e a c h o f t h e r o o m s , all o f t h e t r e a s ­ ures. In the k i t c h e n w h e r e M r s B h a i r o n h a d b e e n t h u m p i n g d o u g h o v e r a t i n y fire, s m o k e a n d chilli filled t h e air. B h a i r o n i n d i c a t e d his s p o u s e a n d said, ' S h e is n o t a g o o d c o o k . N o , a v e r y b a d c o o k , I think.' ' S h e is a v e r y g o o d c o o k . ' ' B u t she is v e r y ugly.' H e lifted t h e o r n i . ' N o t at all. S h e is beautiful.' ' T h e n she is y o u r servant.' ' N o , s h e is m y saheli (female friend).' All this w e n t d o w n w e l l a n d I h a d o b v i o u s l y passed t h e m a n ­ n e r s test. E v e n so, n o o n e w o u l d l e t m e h e l p h e r w i t h t h e w o r k . I m u s t sit a n d r e c e i v e . Finally B h a i r o n b r o u g h t o u t his piece de resist­ ance — a f r a m e d p i e c e o f p a p e r o n w h i c h it w a s stated t h a t o n e Constable Bhairon Singh R a i k a had received twenty-five rupees a n d a c o m m e n d a t i o n for b r a v e r y for h e l p i n g t o c a p t u r e a n i n ­ f a m o u s d a c o i t . . . O n e dollar d i d n o t s e e m a h u g e

incentive

for r i s k i n g o n e ' s life i n t h e b a d l a n d s u n t i l I w a s t o l d t h a t t h e h o u s e n e x t t o his, a d e r e l i c t b u t still b e a u t i f u l b u i l d i n g , h a d b e e n b o u g h t for t h e p r i c e o f a c a r t o n o f m y E n g l i s h cigarettes. It was t i m e t o b a t h e a n d dress for t h e w e d d i n g . A partially closed-off c o r n e r of the courtyard was indicated and a bucket of w e l l w a t e r b r o u g h t t o m e . W h a t t o d o ? I was visible for a s w e e p o f sixty d e g r e e s a n d a n y o n e e n t e r i n g t h e c o u r t y a r d w o u l d g e t a full view. I s q u a t t e d d o w n a n d hastily r i n s e d t h e bits I c o u l d g e t at, e n d i n g u p w i t h s a t u r a t e d c l o t h e s b u t m o s t l y d r y skin. G o i n g b e h i n d t h e village w a l l for a shit was s o m e t h i n g o f a test o f i n g e n u ­ ity also. O n e h a d t o step a m o n g t h e c l u s t e r i n g t u r d s , find a c o u p l e o f s q u a r e i n c h e s o f spare d u s t a n d h o p e like hell n o o n e c a m e past. I n o w u n d e r s t o o d t h e l o g i c o f t h e village w o m e n ' s full skirts. A s for u s i n g t h e j a r o f w a t e r t o c l e a n o n e ' s rear e n d , I n e v e r d i d l e a r n t h e c o r r e c t t e c h n i q u e a n d it's n o t a s u b j e c t a b o u t w h i c h o n e feels comfortable inquiring. I tried but never quite managed to c o n ­ q u e r s q u e a m i s h n e s s . T h e w o r l d is d i v i d e d b e t w e e n t h o s e c u l t u r e s w h i c h t o u c h t h e i r o w n faeces a n d t h o s e w h i c h d o n ' t . A n d it seems to m e that those w h i c h do have a greater understanding of humankind's relationship to earth, o u r alpha and omega. 38

Ablutions completed, a quite spectacular gold necklace was placed around m y neck. N e x t came M r s Bhairon's second-best skirt. A n o r n i was t u c k e d i n t o it a n d w r a p p e d a r o u n d m y h e a d . T h e r e f o l l o w e d b a n g l e s , a n k l e t s a n d bells a n d e v e r y o n e a g r e e d t h a t n o o n e w o u l d e v e r guess I w a s a E u r o p e a n . W e all t o o k p h o t o s o f e a c h o t h e r : m e w i t h t w o brass p o t s s t a c k e d o n m y h e a d , m y legs c u t off at t h e k n e e , s t a n d i n g at a t h i r t y - d e g r e e a n g l e t o t h e h o r i z o n ­ tal p l a n e o f t h e p h o t o g r a p h a n d l o o k i n g e v e r y i n c h a E u r o p e a n , albeit o f t h e d e r a n g e d k i n d . K o j u n e v e r d i d l e a r n t o use t h a t camera,

-A r -.

W e s q u e e z e d o u r w a y u p a n alley t o w h e r e t h e g r o o m ' s p a r t y b u z z e d a r o u n d a r e d t r a c t o r like F a b e r g e wasps, all r u b y a n d m a r : casite. E v e r y surface, s a t u r a t e d w i t h t h e l i g h t a b s o r b e d d u r i n g t h e day, w a s n o w g i v i n g it b a c k t o t h e n i g h t as a m o l t e n glow. Pigs r a n a b o u t and squealed. D o g s fought each other. A m a n w h o s e head a n d s h o u l d e r s p r o t r u d e d a c o u p l e o f feet a b o v e t h e c r o w d p l a c e d h i m s e l f i n front o f m e a n d g r a b b e d t h e g o l d n e c k l a c e . 'Giga,' h e said, w h i c h m i g h t h a v e b e e n a t h r e a t t o strangle m e b u t w h i c h w a s , I f o u n d o u t later, his n a m e . H e r o a r e d w i t h l a u g h t e r a n d w e n t a b o u t his business. S o m e w o m e n f e s t o o n e d i n r e d a n d silver c a m e o u t of a house singing. T h e y were carrying a glittering bundle w h i c h , o n closer i n s p e c t i o n , p r o v e d t o b e a f o u r - y e a r - o l d c h i l d . B a t t e r y - p o w e r e d lights d a n c e d a r o u n d his g o l d b r o c a d e

turban

a n d his feet w e r e pressed i n t o g o l d - t r i m m e d s h o e s w i t h b a c k w a r d c u r l i n g p o i n t s . E v e r y o t h e r p a r t o f h i m w a s c o v e r e d i n satins a n d tinsel. H e w a s g i v e n t o m e t o h o l d as if h e w e r e t h e m o s t p r e c i o u s t h i n g t h e y possessed, as if all t h e p r i d e o f t h a t vastly e x t e n d e d family w e r e e m b o d i e d i n this e x q u i s i t e , grave little b o y - t h e b i n d rajah — t h e b r i d e g r o o m . C h i l d m a r r i a g e s are illegal i n I n d i a a n d o n e c a n see w h y this s h o u l d b e so. A m o n g t h e R a j p u t s , for e x a m p l e , it is a m a t t e r o f s h a m e if a d a u g h t e r r e a c h e s m e n a r c h e i n h e r p a r e n t s ' h o m e . C o n ­ s e q u e n t l y , girls b e g i n p r o d u c i n g c h i l d r e n w h i l e t h e y are still c h i l d r e n t h e m s e l v e s . B u t t o t h e R a b a r i , w h o c l i n g fiercely

to

t h e t r a d i t i o n , it is a sensible p r a c t i c e . First o f all it is difficult for n o m a d s t o g a t h e r at o n e p l a c e so i m p o r t a n t events are m a d e t o coincide. Often deaths will b e m o u r n e d a w e e k before the m a r ­ riages are c e l e b r a t e d ( ' m a u s a r ' feasts), t o c u t d o w n costs b u t also, 39

p e r h a p s , t o stress t h e cyclic n a t u r e o f life. T o n i g h t e i g h t c h i l d r e n w o u l d b e m a r r i e d , t h u s f o r m i n g i m p o r t a n t alliances a n d m u t u a l s u p p o r t b e t w e e n families w h i c h w o u l d last lifetimes. After

the

m a r r i a g e t h e girl w o u l d g o t o s p e n d o n e n i g h t i n h e r susural ( i n ­ l a w s ' h o m e ) , s u r r o u n d e d b y affection, m a d e t o feel i m p o r t a n t a n d special, a n d t h e n b e b r o u g h t h o m e . T h e r e w o u l d b e n o c o n s u m m a ­ t i o n u n t i l w e l l after m a t u r i t y a n d , e v e n t h e n , s h e w o u l d g o b a c k a n d f o r t h from susural t o p a r e n t s ' h o m e m a n y times u n t i l she felt comfortable in h e r n e w role a n d until t h e c o m m u n i t i e s decided t h e c o u p l e w a s r e a d y t o live t o g e t h e r . U s u a l l y w h e n t h e w o m a n h a d h e r children she w o u l d take t h e n e w b o r n back to h e r parents' h o m e , s o m e t i m e s for m o n t h s . D i v o r c e i n m a n y c o m m u n i t i e s w a s a l l o w e d , t h o u g h f r o w n e d u p o n a n d usually h a d less t o d o w i t h i n c o m p a t i b i l i t y t h a n w i t h infertility. O n c e a g a i n this w o u l d b e a d e c i s i o n t a k e n b y t h e elders. If a h u s b a n d d i e d , t h e n it w a s possible for a w o m a n t o m a r r y again, t h o u g h m o s t o f t e n w i d o w s , p a r t i c u ­ larly if t h e y h a d c h i l d r e n , p r e f e r r e d t o r e m a i n single. All i n all m a r r i a g e w a s a p r a g m a t i c affair a n d i n d i v i d u a l desires c a m e a p o o r second to the h a r m o n y of the group. W e w e r e t o t a k e t h e b i n d rajah t o his w e d d i n g i n style. Fifteen p e o p l e p a c k e d t h e m s e l v e s i n t o m y j e e p a n d w e set off i n t o t h e m o o n l i g h t and dust, the w o m e n

singing t h r o u g h their noses.

W h e n w e passed a small s h r i n e b y t h e side o f t h e t r a c k e v e r y o n e let o u t an almighty w h o o p o f greeting. T h e tiny b o y smiled a n d b l i n k e d like a p a m p e r e d cat. T h e b i n d a n i ' s (bride's) village was a m a z e o f small r o o m s a n d c o u r t y a r d s , a d o m e s t i c l o g i c t h a t w a s difficult at first t o u n d e r ­ s t a n d . O n a p l a t f o r m a b o u t t h i r t y w o m e n w e r e ablaze i n p r i m a r y c o l o u r s a n d p r e c i o u s m e t a l s . I w a s t a k e n t o sit w i t h t h e m . W h e n the w o m a n next to m e found o u t I h a d b e e n m a r r i e d , she pulled t h e o r n i d o w n o v e r m y face a n d p u s h e d m e t o t h e

ground.

S h r i e k s o f d e l i g h t at this g a m e w h i c h e v e r y o n e j o i n e d i n . I w a s i n s t r u c t e d i n t h e f o u r o r five m e t h o d s a m a r r i e d w o m a n m u s t use t o p e e p t h r o u g h h e r o r n i w h e n t h e r e are i n - l a w s o r s t r a n g e m e n p r e s e n t , u s i n g fingers deftly t o f o r m t h e little h o l e w h i c h allows just o n e eye to show, a m o s t disconcerting gesture and, paradoxic­ ally, p r o v o c a t i v e . O n c e a g a i n t h e r e was m u c h p o k i n g o f m y breasts, n o t as discreet this t i m e , after w h i c h it w a s a n n o u n c e d t h a t I w a s 40

i n d e e d f e m a l e . I w a s r e s c u e d b y B h a i r o n a n d m a d e t o lie o n a s t r i n g b e d c o v e r e d w i t h quilts i n t h e c o u r t y a r d . T h e g r o o m w a s b r o u g h t t o m e a n d a l t h o u g h h e o c c a s i o n a l l y n o d d e d off i n m y lap, h e n e v e r o n c e w h i n e d o r f i d g e t e d . I'd shake h i m g e n t l y a w a k e , as w a s m y d u t y , a n d h e ' d stare at m e for a s e c o n d b e f o r e b r e a k i n g i n t o a s m i l e - d i g n i f i e d as a g r a n d f a t h e r . I n t o this c o u r t y a r d f o r g o t t e n i n t h e d e p t h o f t i m e c a m e a s k i n n y y o u n g m a n i n T e r y l e n e flares a n d a m e s s a g e

T-shirt.

P r e s s e d t o his ear was a r a d i o b l a r i n g o u t H i n d i m o v i e songs i n c o m p e t i t i o n w i t h t h e w o m e n ' s v o i c e s . H e k n e w a g r e a t deal a b o u t ' p h o r e n ' a n d a n n o u n c e d t o all p r e s e n t t h a t w e s t e r n w o m e n h a d w i c k e d morals and that they did n o t breastfeed their children. H e w a s o n e o f t h e e d u c a t e d elite a n d his o n l y a m b i t i o n w a s t o l a n d a g o v e r n m e n t j o b so t h a t h e w o u l d n e v e r h a v e t o w o r k again. H e t a l k e d a b o u t m o n e y , d i s c o m u s i c a n d w a s s c o r n f u l o f g r a z i n g as a profession. W a s t h e f u t u r e o f t h e R a b a r i i n c a r n a t e i n this y o u n g man? A t t h e b r i d e ' s c o m p o u n d (the b i n d a n i s w e r e e v e n t i n i e r t h a n t h e b i n d s ) s o m e h i r e d m u s i c i a n s w e r e s i n g i n g d e v o t i o n a l songs t o m e n s t o n e d o n o p i u m . T h e R a b a r i , so sensible a n d s h r e w d w i t h their m o n e y , do n o t practise t h e economically crippling -

and

spreading - system of d o w r y . C u s t o m s s u r r o u n d i n g bride price ( t h e o p p o s i t e o f d o w r y ) v a r y f r o m p l a c e t o p l a c e b u t are usually m o r e s y m b o l i c t h a n financial. A family w i l l t r y t o m a r r y all its d a u g h t e r s i n o n e g o , so a l t h o u g h t h e c e l e b r a t i o n s m a y b e lavish t h e y o n l y e m p t y t h e coffers o n c e . O n this o c c a s i o n t h e b r i d e ­ g r o o m ' s family displayed t h e gifts p r e s e n t e d t o t h e b r i d e - a set o f c l o t h e s , s o m e silver a n k l e t s , foodstuffs a n d a little m o n e y . T h e s e w e r e i n s p e c t e d carefully for a n y t r a c e o f m e a n n e s s b y v a r i o u s m o t h e r s , a u n t i e s a n d g r a n n i e s , a n d p r o n o u n c e d satisfactory. T h e n i g h t passed i n a blur. P e o p l e c o m i n g a n d g o i n g , b u r s t s o f singing, snoring from various charpois, hawking, c o u g h i n g and spitting, t h e arrival o f plates o f f o o d , rats n e s t i n g i n h a i r o r n i b ­ b l i n g feet. A t s o m e p o i n t I w e n t t o sleep u n d e r t h e s p a c i o u s sky b u t was w o k e n s h o r t l y afterwards b y visitors c o m i n g b y for a ' d e k h o ' at t h e c h i e f g u e s t . A t d a w n t h e r e w a s c o r n g r u e l a n d y o g u r t , after w h i c h I w a s l e d t o a n o t h e r s e c t i o n o f t h e village w h e r e a t h o u s a n d R a b a r i h a d g a t h e r e d f r o m far a n d w i d e for t h e 4i

p a r t y , dressed u p i n t h e i r v e r y b e s t . T h i s w a s a d e a t h — w e d d i n g feast a n d it w a s a h u g e a n d e x p e n s i v e o c c a s i o n . A l o n g t h e

flat

r o o f t o p s , l i n e d u p like g e r a n i u m p o t s , w e r e r o w s o f b e j e w e l l e d h e a d s . T h e j o k e a b o u t m y m a r r i e d status h a d s w e p t t h r o u g h t h e w h o l e g a t h e r i n g . B a n k s o f w o m e n p u l l e d m y o r n i o v e r m y face o r t r i e d t o t e a c h m e t h e p e e p - h o l e t r i c k . D u s t rose i n t o a sky as w h i t e as p a p e r . W h e n I returned to the courtyard the g r o o m greeted m e by p u t t i n g o u t his a r m s t o b e p i c k e d u p , a n d w i t h a h e a r t - m e l t i n g smile. N o w e s t e r n c h i l d w o u l d h a v e s t o o d this stress for a n h o u r . B u t this little c r e a t u r e , p e r h a p s b e c a u s e h e h a d n e v e r b e e n s e p a ­ rated

from

c o m m u n i t y life, d i d n o t o n c e lose his

composure

d u r i n g t h e w h o l e f o u r days. B u t t h e n , g r a c e u n d e r p r e s s u r e is a v a l u e d trait a m o n g t h e pastoralists. I n a f e w y e a r s this b a b y w o u l d b e o u t w i t h t h e h e r d s , b a t t l i n g t h e w o r l d for his b r e a d . B y m i d - a f t e r n o o n I f o u n d m y s e l f s i t t i n g i n a small r o o m at t h e front

o f a c a r p e t o f t i g h t l y p a c k e d m e n ' s faces. I h a d c o n t r a c t e d

s o m e k i n d of stomach b u g a n d was anxious about an undignified d a s h for t h e d o o r u s i n g fifty t u r b a n s as s t e p p i n g - s t o n e s . T h e r e w e r e m i l l i o n s o f flies, t o o m a n y b o d i e s , h e a t . I t h o u g h t t h a t a little f o o d i n m y s t o m a c h m i g h t c o m b a t t h e w a v e s o f n a u s e a , so i n m y e x h a u s t i o n r e a c h e d o u t t o t a k e a sticky s w e e t w i t h m y left h a n d . A c o m m o n b r e a t h w a s h e l d , a n o l d m a n said ' a a h h h h ' a n d j u s t i n t i m e I c h e c k e d myself. I t o o k it w i t h m y r i g h t h a n d , e v e r y o n e l a u g h e d , t h e shyness eased a n d w e b e g a n t o talk.

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T h e r e was trouble o u t o n the dang. A n old m a n h a d c o m e back b y b u s w i t h t h e n e w s . T h e s h e p h e r d s h a d h a d t o b r i b e a forest officer w i t h five t h o u s a n d r u p e e s t o g r a z e t h e flock - t h e e q u i v a ­ l e n t o f five m o n t h s ' i n c o m e . E a c h o w n e r w o u l d c o n t r i b u t e a p e r ­ c e n t a g e o f t h e m o n e y p r o p o r t i o n a t e t o t h e size o f his flock b u t it w a s still a b i g financial loss t o t h e village. T h a t w a s n ' t all. A f e w s h e p h e r d s h a d b e e n a r r e s t e d for falsifying t h e n u m b e r o f s h e e p t h e y h a d , so as t o p a y less t a x t o t h e state g o v e r n m e n t . N o w o n e o f t h e m h a d s k i p p e d gaol, a n d t h e p o l i c e w e r e l o o k i n g for h i m . T h i s , t o o , w o u l d r e q u i r e m o n e y for b r i b e s . T h e t o p n u m b e r d a r (leader o f m i g r a t i o n ) , w h o h a d r e t u r n e d for t h e w e d d i n g o n l y t w o days before, w o u l d have to j o u r n e y b a c k t o t h e d a n g i m m e d i a t e l y t o sort o u t the mess. 42

I asked w h a t t h e y t h o u g h t o f politics a n d h o w t h e y m i g h t v o t e . T h e y r e p l i e d t h a t t h e i r o n l y c o n c e r n w a s survival a n d w h a t e v e r politician m i g h t help t h e m w i t h that w o u l d receive their vote. O n the other h a n d most of t h e m didn't bother to vote, either because t h e y h a d n o b e l i e f i n t h e efficacy o f a d e m o c r a c y w o r m y w i t h corruption or because they were out o n the dang, hundreds of m i l e s f r o m h o m e . S o l a r g e a c o l l e c t i o n o f s h e p h e r d s w a s a rare o c c a s i o n , m o s t o f t h e m h a v i n g little o p p o r t u n i t y t o leave t h e h e r d s a n d c o m e h o m e . T h e i r chief c o n c e r n was w i t h grazing rights, g o v e r n m e n t c o n t r o l o n t h e sale o f w o o l , t h e loss o f l a n d t o f a r m ­ ers a n d t h e d a n g e r s o f m i g r a t i o n . T h e y m a d e clear t h a t t h e s e p r o b l e m s w e r e c o m m o n t o all t h e p a s h u p a l a k ( a n i m a l h e r d e r s ) i r r e s p e c t i v e o f caste. B u t o n e m a n a n n o u n c e d that h e b e l o n g e d to t h e B J P . H e was fat a n d b u t t e r y , g o l d r i n g s a d o r n e d his fingers a n d , a l t h o u g h h e w a s dressed i n t r a d i t i o n a l R a i k a c l o t h e s , h e l o o k e d like a b a d l y cast a c t o r n e x t t o his l e a n , s u n - s h r i v e l l e d relatives. H e o w n e d a s h o p i n a n e a r b y t o w n . H e c o u l d s p e a k a little E n g l i s h a n d i n f o r m e d m e t h a t his fellow R a i k a w e r e illiterate a n d i g n o r a n t , so t h e r e was n o p o i n t in asking t h e m a b o u t anything. H e a d d e d that the reason t h e M u s l i m s c a u s e d so m u c h t r o u b l e w a s t h a t t h e y ate b e e f a n d therefore their 'brain temperature was very high'. I w o n d e r e d h o w m u c h h e i n f l u e n c e d t h e o t h e r s . H e w a s , after all, w e a l t h y a n d literate. H e k n e w a b o u t t h e b u r e a u c r a t i c w o r l d . D i d t h e y rely o n his j u d g e m e n t ? F r o m t h e w a y t h e y l i s t e n e d t o h i m respectfully b u t distantly, I s u s p e c t e d n o t . T h e n o m a d s are t h e m o s t t o l e r a n t o f p e o p l e a n d I saw v i r t u a l l y n o c o m m u n a l i s t t e n d e n ­ cies a m o n g t h e m . T h e y sell t h e i r m e a t t o M u s l i m s . It is M u s l i m s w h o s h e a r t h e i r s h e e p . T h e r e are M u s l i m graziers a n d so far t h e sense o f c o m r a d e s h i p w i t h t h e m , b e c a u s e o f t h e i r c o m m o n o c c u p a ­ t i o n , c o m m o n p r o b l e m s , is s t r o n g . B e s i d e s , h o w c a n o n e find t h e t i m e t o stick t o t h e f i n e r p o i n t s o f H i n d u i s m w h e n o n e is o u t o n t h e d a n g u n a b l e t o w a s h o r p e r f o r m rituals? A n d h o w c a n o n e s n e e r at t h e c o w - e a t e r s w h e n o n e s o m e t i m e s i n d u l g e s i n a b i t o f m u t t o n o n t h e q u i e t ? B u t w h e n t h e n o m a d s s t o p p e d w a n d e r i n g as o n e day t h e y m u s t . . .? T h e r e w e r e M u s l i m R a b a r i p r e s e n t at t h e w e d d i n g . C e n t u r i e s a g o w h e n t h e M u g h a l s i n v a d e d , t h e y c a u s e d m a n y p r o b l e m s for 43

t h e R a b a r i , w h o o f t e n a c t e d as spies for t h e R a j p u t r u l e r s . O n e particular g r o u p was captured by the invaders a n d taken to D e l h i . It w a s h e r e t h a t t h e y w e r e f o r c e d t o eat b e e f t h e r e b y b e c o m i n g i n s t a n t l y d e - H i n d u i z e d . T h e i r d e s c e n d a n t s w e r e followers o f Islam b u t t h e y still p e r f o r m e d c e r e m o n i e s at v a r i o u s caste f u n c t i o n s a n d t h e i r affinity w i t h t h e i r o r i g i n a l caste s e e m e d as s t r o n g as t h e i r i d e n t i t y as M o h a m m e d a n s . I c o u l d discipline m y r a g i n g s t o m a c h n o l o n g e r . B l o c k i n g t h e d o o r s t o o d all s e v e n feet o f G i g a . H e g r a b b e d m e b y t h e g o l d n e c k l a c e like a N e w Y o r k m u g g e r . ( R a b a r i h u m o u r is s o m e t i m e s o p a q u e . ) H a s t i l y I t o o k it off a n d m a d e a d a s h for t h e n e a r e s t wall, t o b e f o l l o w e d a n d l a u g h e d at b y c h i l d r e n w h o w e r e

curious

about a 'phoren's' b o d y functions. Giga had lent the necklace and w a s n o d o u b t w o r r i e d t h a t I w a s a b o u t t o h e a d for t h e hills w i t h it. A n d y e t it was h e w h o , t w o days later, after I'd s p e n t a n o t h e r sleepless, o p i u m - f i l l e d n i g h t at his h o u s e , a n d was n o w

saying

g o o d b y e t o a h u n d r e d friends, t o o k b o t h m y h a n d s g e n t l y i n his, p r e s s e d t h e m t o g e t h e r i n f r o n t o f his h e a r t a n d said, ' W e are y o u r children.'

4 I h a d always h a d g r e a t affection a n d a d m i r a t i o n for m y b o d y . W h i l e I realized t h a t it l a c k e d a n i n c h o r t w o i n t h e a n k l e d e p a r t ­ m e n t a n d h a d o t h e r , less visible, a e s t h e t i c defects, it h a d , n e v e r t h e ­ less, g o t m e f r o m m a n y A s t o B s w i t h o u t c o m p l a i n t a n d g e n e r a l l y p r o c e e d e d w i t h its j o b o f t r a n s p o r t i n g t h e b r a i n w i t h o u t n e e d i n g t o b o t h e r m e . W h a t h a d h a p p e n e d ? W h y this b l i n d i n g e x h a u s ­ t i o n ? H a d I, s o m e w h e r e i n t h e last f e w m o n t h s , b e c o m e old? O r was India to blame? I crawled i n t o m y r o o m , closed t h e curtains, collapsed o n to m y back a n d decided India was to blame. Trying to accomplish a n y ­ t h i n g h e r e w a s like w a d i n g t h r o u g h g l u e . T h e simplest t h i n g s — m a k i n g a p h o n e call, b u y i n g g r o c e r i e s , p o s t i n g a l e t t e r - r e q u i r e d s u p e r h u m a n patience. W h y didn't people go mad; w h y didn't they stab a n d s h o o t e a c h o t h e r , as t h e y d i d i n A m e r i c a ; w h y d i d n ' t t h e y p i c k p e t t y b u r e a u c r a t s u p b y t h e scruff o f t h e i r n e c k s a n d b e a t t h e i r brains o u t ? H o w w o u l d I l e a r n t h a t I n d i a n p a t i e n c e t e m ­ p e r e d t h r o u g h m i l l e n n i a ? A b o v e all, h o w w o u l d I l e a r n t o c o p e w i t h t h e s u b c o n t i n e n t a l stare? W h e r e v e r I s h o w e d m y face, a t h o u ­ s a n d o t h e r faces i m m e d i a t e l y c o l l e c t e d a r o u n d it. If I s t o p p e d t h e j e e p , e v e n for a s e c o n d , e v e n if w e w e r e i n t h e m i d d l e o f n o w h e r e , i n s t a n t l y faces c r a m m e d t h e w i n d o w s , t h e w i n d s c r e e n ; b o d i e s s h o v e d a n d j o s t l e d , c u t t i n g off air; fingers p r o d d e d , p o k e d , t u g g e d . N o t h i n g I o r K o j u o r a n y o n e else c o u l d say o r d o m a d e t h e least i m p r e s s i o n o n t h a t collective stare. U n d e r it I m i g h t h a v e b e e n a p e r f o r m i n g b e a r o r a m o n k e y o n a c h a i n . It s t r i p p e d m e o f m y h u m a n i t y , s u c k e d o u t m y vitality, a n d t h e o n l y d e f e n c e against it w a s t o r e t r e a t inside myself, t o p s y c h i c a l l y disappear. O r t o l o c k m y s e l f i n t h e k i n d , e m p t y d a r k n e s s o f m y r o o m w h i c h is w h a t I 45

f o u n d m y s e l f d o i n g after e v e r y foray i n t o t h e w o r l d b e y o n d t h e f a r m gates. B e i n g i n I n d i a w a s like r e a d i n g Tristram Shandy. E n d l e s s d i g r e s ­ sions f r o m w h e r e y o u t h o u g h t y o u w e r e g o i n g . If I h a d g i v e n i n t o this f o r m I w o u l d h a v e b e e n h a p p i e r . B u t I h a d t o i m p o s e a n alien, l i n e a r f o r m i n w h i c h A progresses t o B w h i c h progresses t o C . I n d i a h a d its o w n w a y o f t e l l i n g a s t o r y b u t I w a s i n n o p o s i t i o n t o listen t o it. I n a small village o n t h e w a y t o B a a b a r a w e h a d s t o p p e d t o b u y sweets for t h e c h i l d r e n . T o a v o i d t h e i n e v i t a b l e c o l l e c t i o n o f stares, at least for a f e w m i n u t e s , I p u l l e d a n o r n i over m y face, s a n k l o w i n t o t h e seat a n d w a t c h e d , as b e s t I c o u l d , t h r o u g h t h e c o t t o n . T h e r e w e r e j u s t a f e w little s h o p s a l o n g t h e r u t t e d street a n d , at t h e e n d o f it, t h e village w e l l . R a b a r i w o m e n w e r e at t h e w e l l , five o r six o f t h e m , filling t h e i r p o t s . I i m a g i n e d b e i n g w i t h t h e m , l a u g h i n g as t h e y w e r e l a u g h i n g , u n s e l f c o n s c i o u s , u n a w a r e o f b e i n g observed. I imagined g o i n g w i t h t h e m to the shop to haggle o v e r t h e p r i c e o f g r a i n , felt t h e physicality o f t h e h e a v y p o t , t h e i n t i m a c y o f a sister's a r m a r o u n d t h e s h o u l d e r , o f gossip. I h a d imagined that I could b e c o m e , over time, an element

within

t h e p i c t u r e r a t h e r t h a n a n o b s e r v e r p e e r i n g i n . B u t it s e e m e d m o r e likely t h a t I w o u l d n e v e r find m y s e l f t h e r e , i n s i d e t h e f r a m e . I n t h e m e a n t i m e m y b a c k felt as if it h a d b e e n r e a r r a n g e d w i t h a j a c k - h a m m e r . L u m p s o f gristle b o u n d m u s c l e t o b o n e a n d , w h e n I w a l k e d , o n e h i p g r o u n d i n its s o c k e t like s a n d p a p e r . N o t far f r o m the farm was a dhani w h e r e , Koju i n f o r m e d m e , a certain w o m a n h a d a special t e c h n i q u e for fixing b a c k s . I h o b b l e d t o t h e j e e p t o find t h a t D r e a m b o a t h a d p a c k e d t h e p a s s e n g e r seat w i t h c u s h i o n s a n d w a s refusing t o let m e d r i v e . T h e o l d w o m a n w a s frail as eggshell a n d b l i n d . H e r s o n l e d h e r out. I knelt in front of h e r a n d she t o o k m y hands, smiling. T h e n she t u r n e d m e a r o u n d so t h a t m y b a c k w a s f a c i n g h e r . F r o m t h e c o r n e r o f m y e y e I saw h e r s o n h a n d h e r a n e n o r m o u s Survival i n s t i n c t t o l d m e t o g e t u p a n d r u n ; m a n n e r s

axe.

proved

s t r o n g e r . I w a i t e d for t h e a l m i g h t y t h w a c k , w h i c h w o u l d kill o r c u r e , o n l y t o feel g e n t l e fingers r u n o v e r m y m u s c l e s . ' W h e r e d o e s it h u r t ? ' 'Everywhere.' 46

'Achchha.' C o l d metal n o w followed the hand w h i c h seemed to intuit the m o s t i n f l a m e d areas. H e r e t h e axe w o u l d p a u s e , t h e n b e g i n softly t a p p i n g o n flesh. T h e o l d w o m a n b e g a n t o c h a n t . O n c e t h e axe w a s full t o t h e b r i m o f b a d b a c k spirits it w o u l d b e b a n g e d o n t h e e a r t h t o release t h e m . T h e h a n d w o u l d find a n o t h e r spot; t a p t a p tap, b a n g b a n g b a n g a n d t h e m a n t r a s . T h i s w e n t o n for

fifteen

m i n u t e s a n d I t h o u g h t I did notice an easing o f t h e pain. B u t perhaps that was the p o w e r of suggestion or perhaps the drone of the m a n t r a relaxed m e , giving the muscles a c h a n c e to u n k n i t by t h e m s e l v e s . O r p e r h a p s h e r faith w a s p o w e r f u l e n o u g h t o o v e r ­ c o m e h e r p a t i e n t ' s lack o f it. I t h a n k e d h e r a n d offered m o n e y b u t she w o u l d t a k e n o t h i n g : ' T h i s p o w e r is f r o m G o d n o t f r o m m e , so h o w c a n I t a k e p a y m e n t from y o u ? H e t o o k a w a y m y sight b u t i n r e t u r n h e gave w i s d o m t o m y h a n d s . I n t h e m o r n i n g y o u m u s t give a gift o f g r a i n t o t h e w i l d birds.' W h i c h I did. T o m a k e t h e t r i p t o C h a i t r i festival, t h e p u r c h a s e o f t h e c a m e l s a n d t h e m e e t i n g w i t h t h e R a b a r i as s m o o t h as possible, I e m ­ p l o y e d t h e services o f v a r i o u s p e o p l e . N a r e n d r a h a d f o u n d m e a n interpreter — a y o u n g w o m a n Rajput teacher w h o spoke Hindi, English a n d M a r w a r i . H e r n a m e was R a j u ji. She w o u l d m e e t us at t h e m e l a (festival). T a k a t S i n g h j i , w h o h a d a c c o m p a n i e d m e o n m y first foray i n t o t h e d e s e r t , w o u l d c o m e for a day t o h e l p m e c h o o s e t h e c a m e l s a n d gear. K o j u w o u l d d r i v e a n d c o o k . D i l i p w o u l d b r i n g his o w n d r i v e r - c u m - c o o k . B h a i r o n w o u l d i n t r o d u c e us t o t h e R a b a r i a l o n g t h e w a y u n t i l w e f o u n d j u s t t h a t g r o u p . . . W h e n h e t u r n e d u p o n t h e day o f d e p a r t u r e t h e s t o v e p i p e s h a d disappeared a n d h e was R a i k a h e a d to foot — tie-dye turban, l o n g w h i t e shirt, w h i t e d h o t i , p o i n t e d l e a t h e r clogs, s k i n n y legs. It w a s n i g h t - t i m e . B h a i r o n s e e m e d t o b e lost. W e w e r e o n o n e o f t h o s e c a r t tracks t h r o u g h t h e sandhills n o r t h - w e s t o f J o d h p u r . I n t h e d i s t a n c e w e c o u l d see fire g l o w c o m i n g f r o m t h e d o o r o f a j h u m p a a n d B h a i r o n w e n t t o ask t h e w a y . A g r o u p o f m e n c a m e o u t w a v i n g a r m s at h i m a n d saying t h e sorts o f t h i n g s t h a t m i g h t b e t r a n s l a t e d as 'Leave o r w e ' l l c u t y o u r t h r o a t s ' . T w e n t y m i n u t e s a n d m a n y g e s t i c u l a t i o n s a n d s h a r e d c u p s later, m y p o l i c e m a n g o t 47

b a c k i n t h e car s m e l l i n g o f d e s h i d a r u ( h o m e m a d e g r o g ) . ' T h e y t h o u g h t w e w e r e dacoits,' h e said, ' a n d t h a t w e w e r e g o i n g t o steal t h e i r possessions a n d t h e i r w o m e n . (In this p a r t o f t h e w o r l d o n l y g o v e r n m e n t wallahs, police a n d bandits - n o n e of w h o m w e r e p o p u l a r - c o u l d afford j e e p s . ) W e f o u n d t h e d h a n i a n d stayed t h r e e days. T h e p e o p l e c o u l d n o t h a v e b e e n m o r e c h a r m i n g b u t e v e n so I s e n s e d a n u n d e r c u r ­ r e n t o f s u s p i c i o n . Alas, t h e m o r e B h a i r o n b o a s t e d o f m y t r e m e n ­ dous i m p o r t a n c e and fame, n o t just in India but in the universe ( a n d t h e r e f o r e b y association his o w n t r e m e n d o u s i m p o r t a n c e ) , t h e m o r e the suspicion thickened. W i t h o u t a language in w h i c h to e x p l a i n myself, a smile at t h e w r o n g t i m e , t h e l a c k o f a smile at t h e r e q u i r e d t i m e , t h e offering o f t o o m u c h m o n e y o r n o t g i v i n g e n o u g h m o n e y — t h e s e gestures c o u l d h a v e as m u c h i m p a c t as a h u r l e d insult. M e n w o u l d c o m e a n d sit w i t h m e , p o l i t e as ever, a n d g r a d u a l l y g e t r o u n d t o a s k i n g , ' Y o u h a v e lakhs a n d l a k h s o f r u p e e s , a n d y o u h a v e a j e e p . W h y d o y o u w a n t t o live w i t h p o o r p e o p l e ? W h y d o y o u w a n t t o walk?' I n e v e r f o u n d a suitable r e p l y t o this b u t it d i d i n d i c a t e h o w far f r o m e n v i a b l e t h e y saw t h e i r o w n lives and h o w incomprehensible they found mine. I began to notice that w h e n e v e r I pulled o u t m y n o t e b o o k a n d maps, p e o p l e closed like s l a m m i n g d o o r s a n d w a n d e r e d away. N e v e r t h e l e s s it w a s finally a g r e e d t h a t I w o u l d set off w i t h a c o u p l e o f m e n a n d a small h e r d t h e f o l l o w i n g day a n d a c c o m p a n y t h e m t o t h e fair. I n t h e m o r n i n g w e w a i t e d as p e r i n s t r u c t i o n s . A n d w a i t e d . T h e s u n p r e s s e d d o w n . D e m o r a l i z a t i o n set i n . D i l i p w a s so a n g r y I w a s afraid h e m i g h t h a v e a h e a r t a t t a c k . B y e l e v e n it b e c a m e o b v i o u s t h a t t h e h e r d s h a d c l e a r e d off w i t h o u t us, l e a v i n g us s t r a n d e d n e a r a waterhole, listening to Bhairon rant that these R a i k a were b a c k ­ w a r d , u n e d u c a t e d hayseeds w h o d i d n ' t e v e n d e s e r v e t o h a v e m e w r i t e about t h e m , but n o t to w o r r y w e w o u l d drive o n until w e found a more worthy group. T h e community had decided we were government workers on s o m e secret s u r v e y o u t o f w h i c h t h e y c o u l d o n l y b e t h e losers. M a n y o f t h e families h a d b e e n e x t e n d i n g t h e i r d h a n i s a n d bajri plantations into g o v e r n m e n t land. N o d o u b t w e were going to t a k e t h e l a n d f r o m t h e m , arrest t h e m , b e a t t h e m u p , fine t h e m , extract bribes from t h e m — those everyday occurrences to w h i c h 48

t h e p o o r b e c o m e i n u r e d — so it w a s safer t o b e p o l i t e t o us a n d d i v u l g e n o t h i n g . T h i s w a s n o t t h e last i n d i c a t i o n I h a d o f t h e level o f d u b i e t y n e c e s s a r y for survival i n a w o r l d w h e r e t h e r e w a s n o l a w o n w h i c h y o u c o u l d d e p e n d for j u s t i c e , w h e r e t h e r e w a s n o s e c u r i t y b e y o n d family a n d caste affiliations, w h e r e d i s a p p e a r i n g resources, rapacious greed a n d e n d e m i c venality necessitated there b e vastly m o r e losers t h a n w i n n e r s a n d w h e r e o n e w r o n g m o v e c o u l d m e a n t h e e n d o f y o u a n d y o u r family. D r i v e o n w e did. F i n d a m o r e w o r t h y g r o u p w e did not. I w o u l d h a v e g o n e straight t o t h e m e l a b u t a w r i t e r ' s n e e d s a n d a p h o t o g r a p h e r ' s are s e l d o m t h e s a m e . B e s i d e s , B h a i r o n ' s s e l f - e s t e e m w a s at stake. T h e t h e r m o m e t e r s h o w e d a h u n d r e d d e g r e e s ; t e m ­ pers were

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c o o p e r a t i o n w i t h w h a t I felt h a d d e s c e n d e d i n t o farce b y s t a r i n g at m y feet i n t h e front o f t h e car. It w a s f r o m this p o s i t i o n t h a t , looking up, I beheld Bhairon, transmogrified into a uniformed p o l i c e m a n c o m p l e t e w i t h knife creases i n his k h a k i t r o u s e r s a n d c a p set at a n o - n o n s e n s e a n g l e , d i r e c t i n g , like a traffic c o p , a g r o u p o f resentful a n d p r o t e s t i n g R a b a r i t o w a r d s t h e j e e p . I l a u g h e d till I c r i e d . I j o i n e d t h e three tired m e n and their t w o skinny cows (they h a d b e e n w a l k i n g flat o u t for t h r e e days t o sell t h e i r a n i m a l s at t h e m e l a ) for t h e p h o t o - o p p o r t u n i t y , w a n t i n g t o s i n k i n t o t h e r o a d u n d e r t h e w e i g h t o f m y s h a m e . After a w h i l e t h e y said, ' Y o u t a k e the cows a n d we'll go in the jeep.' In the bluish light of d a w n w e entered the mela to b e greeted by rear views of a t h o u s a n d m e n squatting beside t h e road, w a t e r lotis ( c o n t a i n e r s ) b e s i d e t h e m . O n t h e o t h e r side o f t h e d u n e w a s a s o u p o f c a m e l s , t u r b a n s a n d dust. E v e r y w h e r e g r o u p s o f m e n sat u n d e r i g l o o s o f grass o r a w n i n g s o f c o l o u r e d c l o t h , s m o k i n g biris, c o u g h i n g and yarning, their camels tethered t o pegs beside t h e m . T a k a t S i n g h a r r i v e d a n d s t r a i g h t a w a y set off t h r o u g h t h e s o u p w i t h m e t r i p p i n g a l o n g b e h i n d h i m . H e w a v e d his h a n d s i n front o f t h e c a m e l s ' eyes t o c h e c k for s h o r t - s i g h t e d n e s s , l o o k e d i n t h e i r m o u t h s t o c h e c k t h e i r a g e (I w a n t e d a t w o - t o o t h e r , less t h a n six y e a r s o l d ) , i n s p e c t e d t h e i r briskets a n d feet, a n d finally asked t h e p r i c e . It w a s always at this p o i n t t h a t T a k a t s e e m e d t o suffer a s t r o k e . G e t t i n g m e a c a m e l for t h e r i g h t p r i c e w a s w h a t h e said h e w o u l d d o for m e a n d b y h e l l h e w a s g o i n g t o d o it. W e t r u d g e d 49

a r o u n d t h e sale areas for a full day u n t i l I w o u l d h a v e b o u g h t a llama as l o n g as I c o u l d sit d o w n . W e b o t h saw h e r at t h e s a m e m o m e n t , t h e b e s t c a m e l i n t h e fair — a b l a c k J a i s a l m e r i cow, w i t h legs like a steel gazelle a n d eyes lit w i t h a w i c k e d i n t e l l i g e n c e . I lifted m y e y e b r o w s t o T a k a t . H e gave a n o d a n d c h e c k e d h e r over. E v e r y t h i n g was i n g o o d o r d e r , a R o l l s - R o y c e d r o m e d a r y . W e asked h e r o w n e r t o s h o w h e r i n a c t i o n . H e j u m p e d o n b a r e b a c k , s t u c k t o h e r like a l e e c h a n d g a l l o p e d h e r flat o u t t h r o u g h t h e c r o w d . T a k a t p r o n o u n c e d h e r ' n o t o r i o u s ' a n d I said d a m n it I w a n t e d h e r a n d I d i d n ' t care a b o u t the money. It t o o k a n o t h e r day t o n e g o t i a t e h e r p r i c e ( m y w h i t e s k i n a u t o ­ m a t i c a l l y d o u b l e d h e r value) a n d t o f i n d a s e c o n d beast. Finally the previous owners, myself and a h u n d r e d

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c r o w d e d i n t o a little office s t a c k e d t o t h e w i n d o w s w i t h p a p e r s tied u p in p i n k thread. W e w e r e told that w e could n o t b u y the camels because w e h a d n o t t h o u g h t to b r i n g the right piece of p a p e r . I n t h e face o f t h e g r e a t no o f I n d i a n b u r e a u c r a c y I w a s u n d o n e . N o t so D i l i p . S u r e l y h e said, t h e y k n e w o f t h e

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famous and prestigious magazine in the world? N o ? A n d they had n o t heard o f Miss R o b y n Davidson or M r Dilip M e h t a ?

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heavens! So impressed w e r e they by o u r fame and by D i l i p ' s s u p e r ­ i o r air t h a t s o o n w e w e r e g i v e n tea a n d t h e w h o l e

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p r i n c e s s e s o f Jaisalmer, o n e o f w h o m w a s g o r g e o u s a n d o n e o f w h o m was n o t — w e r e m i n e . O n c e o u t o f t h e mela w e walked into an A n d r e w W y e t h l a n d ­ scape. I l o o k e d f o r w a r d t o b e i n g o n m y o w n , e v e n for a m i n u t e , b u t it was n o t t o b e . P e o p l e c o a l e s c e d o u t o f e m p t i n e s s , o u t o f sky o r d u s t o r air a n d a t t a c h e d t h e m s e l v e s t o o u r little p a r t y like m o l e c u l e s b u i l d i n g a crystal. B h a i r o n a n d I w a l k e d t h i r t y k i l o ­ m e t r e s t h e first day. ( T h e o t h e r s d r o v e i n t h e j e e p s . ) T h e 50

only

d a m a g e was a puffy k n e e , a n a c h i n g b a c k a n d a l o n g i n g t o b e fifteen y e a r s y o u n g e r . A t e v e r y p o t h o l e B h a i r o n w o u l d s n a t c h t h e c a m e l s ' n o s e l i n e s f r o m m e i n a fit o f o v e r p r o t e c t i v e zeal. R e s i s t i n g his chivalry t o o k t o o m u c h e n e r g y a n d I d i d n ' t h a v e a n e r g t o spare. It w a s o n t h e s e c o n d day t h a t t e m p e r s , already frayed, finally ripped. O n c e b e f o r e w h e n I h a d travelled w i t h a p h o t o g r a p h e r , I h a d b e e n a b u l l y . S o I d e t e r m i n e d t h a t d u r i n g this p r o j e c t I w o u l d b e t h e s o r t o f p e r s o n w h o l o o k s t o t h e l i g h t at t h e r i g h t t i m e , w h o r e m a i n s p e r f e c t l y still for t h o s e difficult e v e n i n g shots a n d w h o n e v e r c o m p l a i n s t h a t t h e r e is a lens u p h e r n o s e . H o w e v e r , g i v e n t h a t D i l i p has a t y p e t r i p l e - A p e r s o n a l i t y , a n d g i v e n t h a t I w a s w o r r i e d a b o u t m y animals, t h e potholes, the trucks, and that I h a d n ' t slept t h e n i g h t b e f o r e , a n d t h a t t h e s u n w a s b u r n i n g h o l e s i n t h e t o p o f m y h e a d , a n d g i v e n t h a t I was sick o f this w h o l e v e n t u r e , a n d w i s h i n g f e r v e n t l y t h a t I h a d n e v e r b e g u n it, a n d t h a t B h a i r o n w a s s h o u t i n g at m e , so t h a t I b e g a n s h o u t i n g b a c k i n a l a n g u a g e h e c o u l d n o t u n d e r s t a n d , a n d t h a t D i l i p w a s n o w i n front o f m e y e l l i n g , ' T u r n y o u r face t o t h e left, t o t h e left', w h i l e I w a s s t r u g g l i n g t o k e e p c o n t r o l o f M o m a l — g i v e n all t h a t , I t h i n k I said s o m e t h i n g like, ' F u c k off.' W h e n w e p u l l e d i n t o a R a b a r i d h a n i t h a t n i g h t m y h o s t s said, ' W h y d o y o u w a n t to walk y o u r camels back to J o d h p u r w h e n all t h e s e p e o p l e c o u l d d o it for y o u ? W h y d o n ' t y o u g o i n y o u r j e e p ? Y o u h a v e lakhs a n d l a k h s o f r u p e e s . W h y d o y o u w a n t t o stay w i t h

p o o r p e o p l e ? ' T h e y left

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showed

itself i n a surliness t o w a r d s D i l i p . B u t this w o u l d n o t d o . S o I sat a n d m o r e o r less h a d it o u t w i t h h i m , d u r i n g w h i c h

twenty

m i n u t e s , K o j u t o l d m e later, g i g g l i n g , I h a d s m o k e d t w o p a c k s o f cigarettes. If t h e t w o - p a c k talk d i d n o t q u i t e resolve t h e p r o b l e m s w h i c h w e r e , after all, t o d o w i t h differing w o r k r e q u i r e m e n t s

which,

b e i n g i n h e r e n t l y i n conflict, f o r b a d e a n y s o l u t i o n , it d i d m a k e m e realize t h a t if f u t u r e j o u r n e y s w e r e t o b e e v e n v a g u e l y t o l e r a b l e for a n y o f us - D i l i p , m y s e l f a n d t h e p e o p l e w h o w o r k e d for us - I w o u l d have t o develop t h e e m o t i o n a l control of a sadhu. I m u s t 51

n e v e r a g a i n lose o u t w a r d c a l m , n o m a t t e r w h a t . A n d a l t h o u g h t h e effort cost m e dear, f r o m t h a t day o n , I n e v e r d i d . L a t e r I w e n t for a d r i v e , s q u a s h e d b e t w e e n K o j u a n d R a j u , a n d b u r s t i n t o tears. R a j u caressed m y h a n d s a n d Koju's face t o o k o n a m a n l y expression. H e

said, ' M e m s a h i b , y o u w o r r y t o o

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a b o u t all o f u s . D o n o t t h i n k o f us. W e are h e r e t o h e l p y o u a n d w e w i l l d o w h a t e v e r w o r k is r e q u i r e d w i t h o u t c o m p l a i n t . A n d I w o u l d d i e for y o u if necessary.' I d i d n o t t h i n k t h a t D r e a m b o a t w a s silly e n o u g h t o give u p his life for o n e s u c h as m y s e l f b u t I w a s d e e p l y t o u c h e d , a n d s i n c e w e w e r e s p e a k i n g figuratively I, t o o , w o u l d h a v e d i e d for h i m . R a j u was n o t fluent e n o u g h in English to b e a rapid translator b u t t h r o u g h h e r I at least g o t t h e gist o f c o n v e r s a t i o n s . B u t , m o r e i m p o r t a n t l y , I l e a r n t f r o m h e r h o w t o b e h a v e i n village c u l t u r e , h o w t o a c c e p t t h e g e n e r o s i t y s h o w n us w i t h g r a c e a n d h o w t o r e t u r n it w i t h o u t a w k w a r d n e s s . P r e v i o u s l y I h a d n o t k n o w n w h o t o give m o n e y t o a n d t h o s e t o w h o m I t r i e d t o give it m o r e o f t e n t h a n n o t refused it. A n d I h a d always felt c l u m s y b e c a u s e t h e g i v i n g o f cash i n m y o w n c u l t u r e is t a i n t e d . B u t i n I n d i a m o n e y has n o s u c h faecal c o n n o t a t i o n s . N o w I k n e w t o p l a c e it i n t h e h a n d s o f n e w b o r n c h i l d r e n , o r if t h e r e w e r e n o n e t h e n t o give it t o t h e y o u n g e s t girl o f t h e h o u s e . T h i s m o n e y , t o o , w o u l d initially b e refused b u t o n e j o i n e d i n t h e d a n c e o f e t i q u e t t e , insisting, refusing, refusing, insisting, u n t i l t h e m o n e y was a c c e p t e d w i t h a smile. A n d w h e n I c a m e t r u d g i n g i n t o a village, e x h a u s t e d b e y o n d s p e e c h , R a j u w o u l d b e t h e r e t o d o t h e e x p l a i n i n g for m e , t o g e n t l e h e r w a y i n t o e v e r y o n e ' s trust. S h e w o u l d t a k e m e t o t h e w o m e n , w h e r e w e w o u l d c o o k t o g e t h e r , r o l l i n g c h a p a t i s o n little w o o d e n b o a r d s , b o i l i n g spices i n oil, o r she w o u l d o r d e r m e t o He d o w n w h i l e she walked o n m y back. D e a r Raju, h o w can I t h a n k y o u e n o u g h for t h e sensitivity o f y o u r s o u l a n d o f y o u r t i n y feet? If I e v e r t r i e d t o v e n t u r e e v e n a little w a y o u t s i d e t h e c o m ­ p o u n d o n m y o w n , for j u s t t h a t s e c o n d o f p e a c e t o s o r t o u t m y thoughts, Bhairon w o u l d b e there. ' N o need to accompany m e B h a i r o n , ' I w o u l d say, t e e t h c l e n c h e d i n a smile, ' I ' m q u i t e all right.' B u t B h a i r o n w o u l d n o t h e a r o f it. ' Y o u d o n o t u n d e r s t a n d . T h e r e are g u n d a h s h e r e . Y o u m i g h t b e k i d n a p p e d o r r a p e d . W h e n 5.2

y o u g o o n m i g r a t i o n , I w i l l r e m a i n always b y y o u r side w i t h a rifle.' T h e v e r y t h o u g h t m a d e m y spirits s i n k t o m y sandals. T h e o n l y respite w a s p r e t e n d i n g I n e e d e d a p e e . T h e n I c o u l d h a v e a t e n - y a r d w a l k a n d t w o m i n u t e s b e h i n d a t r e e all t o myself. U n l e s s children had gathered to watch. O n t h e f o u r t h day w e w e r e all i n n e e d o f a rest. W e c a m p e d early i n a R a i k a d h a n i - a t i n y n e s t o f j h u m p a s lost a m i d s t d u n e s . O u r hosts b u s t l e d a b o u t , s w e e p i n g a n d t i d y i n g a little h o u s e for us t o rest i n , t h e n b r i n g i n g t e a a n d b u c k e t s o f w a t e r f r o m t h e w e l l so that w e m i g h t wash. This was the k i n d of hospitality that only deserts distil f r o m h u m a n s . Later, w h e n w e h a d refreshed o u r s e l v e s a n d h a d lain o u r b o n e s carefully o n t h e c o o l floor, M a t a j i , t h e o l d e s t w o m a n i n t h e c o m m u n i t y , w a s l e d i n t o m e e t us b y h e r great-grandchildren. T h e r e was n o t a hint of impatience m a r r i n g t h e i r affection a n d p r i d e as t h e y h e l p e d h e r t o sit a n d g u i d e d h e r h a n d s t o m y face. ' S h e is o l d a n d lives i n t h e s h a d o w o f G o d , ' t h e y explained. M a t a ji smiled. ' G o d b r o u g h t y o u t o u s . G u e s t s , like rain, n e v e r c o m e . B u t it is sad t h a t I a m b l i n d b e c a u s e n o w I c a n n o t see y o u r face.' S o o n t h e r o o m w a s full o f p e o p l e , b l o c k i n g t h e b r e e z e f r o m t h e w i n d o w s so t h a t sweat r u s h e d o u t o f b o d i e s a n d c o l l e c t e d i n t o p u d d l e s o n t h e floor. M a t a j i k e p t m y h a n d s i m p r i s o n e d i n h e r o w n . H e r n e p h e w , t h e village s t o r y - t e l l e r , g o a d e d o n b y a n a p p r e c i a t i v e a u d i e n c e , a t a p e r e c o r d e r a n d his first f o r e i g n guest, t o o k t h e

floor.

'All R a b a r i caste c o m e f r o m t h e first a n c e s t o r m a d e b y M a h a d e v (Shiva) o n M o u n t Kailash i n T i b e t . W h e n M a h a d e v m a d e a b u l l t o r i d e o n , w h i c h h a d its fifth l e g o n its n e c k , P a r v a t i (Shiva's c o n s o r t ) d e c i d e d t o m a k e a p l a y t h i n g for h e r s e l f o u t o f sand. It w a s a s t r a n g e m i s s h a p e n a n i m a l she m a d e a n d she p u t its fifth l e g o n its s t o m a c h . W h e n s h e a s k e d h e r h u s b a n d t o b r i n g it t o life w i t h his special p o w e r s h e said, " B u t P a r v a t i this a n i m a l d o e s n ' t s e e m r i g h t . If h e c o m e s t o life h e w i l l o n l y cause t r o u b l e . " B u t P a r v a t i w a s a d a m a n t so M a h a d e v b r e a t h e d life i n t o it a n d said " u t h " w h i c h m e a n s u p , a n d that's w h y t h e c a m e l is n o w called " u n t h " . H o w ­ e v e r it c o u l d n ' t w a l k b e c a u s e its fifth l e g g o t i n t h e w a y , so P a r v a t i r e q u e s t e d h e r h u s b a n d t o g e t r i d o f it. M a h a d e v c u t it off w i t h his c h a k r a (blade) b u t a s t u m p w a s left b e h i n d w h i c h y o u c a n still see. ( O t h e r versions h o l d that the leg was p u s h e d u p by M a h a d e v thus 53

c r e a t i n g t h e h u m p . ) O n c e t h a t fifth l e g w a s c u t t h e u n t h w o u l d n o t sit still a n d P a r v a t i c o u l d n o t c a t c h it at all. S h e n o w a s k e d M a h a d e v t o m a k e a m a n t o l o o k after t h e u n t h . M a h a d e v s i g h e d a n d m a d e a figure o u t o f t h e s k i n d i r t o f his b o d y , p u t n e c t a r o n it a n d b r o u g h t it t o life. H e n c e f o r t h t h e m a n w e n t a r o u n d e v e r y ­ w h e r e w i t h the u n t h and M a h a d e v told h i m that he could drink t h e camel's m i l k w h e n e v e r h e felt h u n g r y . ' O n e day t h e m a n a n d his c a m e l g o t lost i n t h e j u n g l e . It w a s d a r k a n d c o l d . H e saw a l i g h t far away, w h e r e a b o d y w a s b u r n i n g i n t h e c r e m a t i o n g r o u n d . B u t b e i n g i g n o r a n t o f b u r i a l rituals h e t o o k an earthen p o t w h i c h was lying there, milked the she camel a n d h e a t e d t h e m i l k i n t h e p o t . H e d r a n k it t h e n w e n t t o sleep. ' W h e n it w a s v e r y late P a r v a t i j i w o k e u p M a h a d e v j i a n d said, " T h a t m a n hasn't c o m e h o m e a n d y o u m u s t d o s o m e t h i n g a b o u t it." M a h a d e v s a w w i t h his t h i r d eye t h a t t h e m a n w a s s l e e p i n g i n the c r e m a t i o n grounds. H e a n d Parvati w e n t a n d w o k e h i m u p saying, " G e t u p B h o o t R a b a r i . " ' ( B h o o t m e a n s g h o s t a n d R a b a r i m e a n s , possibly, o u t s i d e t h e r o a d o r w a y , t h u s signifying t h a t t h e R a b a r i h a d d o n e s o m e t h i n g w r o n g . T h e r e are o t h e r i n t e r p r e t a ­ tions of the word's e t y m o l o g y — a Persian root m e a n i n g to graze, a n o t h e r m e a n i n g ' o n e w h o finds t h e p a t h w a y s ' . ) ' S o o n , t h e R a b a r i n e e d e d a wife. M a h a d e v t o l d h i m t o g o t o a p a r t i c u l a r r i v e r a n d steal t h e c l o t h e s o f t h e fairies b a t h i n g t h e r e . T h i s h e d i d a n d t h e a n g r y sisters c h a s e d h i m all t h e w a y b a c k t o Mahadev's temple. W h e n they got there Mahadev explained the s i t u a t i o n . S i n c e it w a s h e w h o w a s a s k i n g , t w o sisters, A v r i a n d B a v r i , v o l u n t e e r e d t o m a r r y t h e R a b a r i . After a l o n g t i m e s o m e R a j p u t s j o i n e d t h e i r d e s c e n d a n t s b y m a r r i a g e a n d that's w h y o n e finds m a n y R a j p u t n a m e s i n different R a b a r i clans.' ' W h y are y o u called ghosts?' I asked. Various p e o p l e replied. ' B e c a u s e o u r h o u s e s face away f r o m t h e village a n d w e d o n o t f o l l o w t h e c o n v e n t i o n s o f t h e village.' ' B e c a u s e w h e n w e are w i t h t h e d a n g w e s e l d o m w a s h so w e l o o k like ghosts.' ' B e c a u s e w e live i n t h e j u n g l e w h e r e g h o s t s live.' ' B e c a u s e w e p r a c t i s e different c e r e m o n i a l s a n d d o n o t k n o w all t h e H i n d u rituals.' 54

T h e s t o r y - t e l l e r i n t e r r u p t e d . ' T h e r e was o n e R a b a r i m a n f r o m l o n g a g o w h o was t o l d h e m u s t p e r f o r m t h e s e v e n t h - d a y r i t u a l after his father's d e a t h . H e w a l k e d a l o n g n o t k n o w i n g w h a t t o d o u n t i l h e f o u n d a B r a h m i n a n d asked h i m t o p e r f o r m t h e sacred rituals for h i m , offering h i m t w o r u p e e s t o d o so. T h e B r a h m i n s m i l e d t o h i m s e l f a n d s p e a k i n g i n S a n s k r i t so t h e R a b a r i c o u l d n o t u n d e r s t a n d , said, " H e r e is a s t u p i d R a b a r i w h o d o e s n ' t k n o w a n y ­ t h i n g . I w i l l fool h i m a n d t a k e his m o n e y . " T h e R a b a r i r e t u r n e d h o m e w e l l p l e a s e d b u t w h e n his n e i g h b o u r s asked h i m w h a t t h e B r a h m i n h a d said, h e r e p e a t e d t h e s o u n d s h e h a d h e a r d . E v e r y o n e l a u g h e d at h i m a n d called h i m a n i g n o r a n t b h o o t . ' M a t a j i s h u s h e d us a n d said, ' L o o k , she is l a u g h i n g t o see u s . S h e is l a u g h i n g at o u r i g n o r a n c e . ' I assured h e r t h a t I w a s l a u g h i n g because I was happy to b e w i t h t h e m and because the story-teller w a s v e r y clever. S h e pressed m y h a n d s , s t r o k e d m y face a n d said, 'It is o u r g r e a t g o o d luck.' A n o t h e r w o m a n a n n o u n c e d t o t h e g a t h e r i n g , ' W e are called b h o o t b e c a u s e w e are afraid o f n o t h i n g , n o t o f snakes o r w i l d beasts, a n d w e travel w h e r e t h e r e are n o p e o p l e . W e are t h e k e e p ­ ers o f t h e way.' S e n d i n g a c h a l l e n g e t o m e f r o m t h e c o r n e r o f h e r eye, s h e a d d e d , 'It is h a r d t o live w i t h ghosts.' M a t a j i c a m e t o m y d e f e n c e . ' B u t this w o m a n is c o u r a g e o u s . S h e d o e s w o r k t h a t m e n c a n n o t d o . S h e is s t r o n g e n o u g h t o g o w i t h us.' B y n o w a h o r d e o f little b o y s i n b l u e s c h o o l u n i f o r m s

had

s q u e e z e d i n t o t h e r o o m . I asked w h y n o girls w e n t t o s c h o o l . ' A girl w i l l g o t o live a n d w o r k i n h e r p a r e n t s - i n - l a w ' s h o u s e so a n e d u c a t i o n for h e r is a w a s t e o f m o n e y . W e are p o o r p e o p l e a n d a n i n c o m e is m o r e i m p o r t a n t t h a n e d u c a t i o n . W e usually o n l y s e n d o n e b o y p e r family a n d t h e n j u s t u n t i l h e c a n r e a d a n d w r i t e . E v e n so h e w i l l still l o o k after t h e a n i m a l s p r o u d l y . After t h a t w e are n o t i n t e r e s t e d i n s c h o o l . W e h a v e n o t g o t t h e sifarish (influ­ e n c e ) t o get t h e j o b s , n o r t h e m o n e y for b r i b e s , so w h a t use w o u l d o u r e d u c a t i o n b e ? T h e a n i m a l s are o u r l i v i n g , t h e y are o u r wealth.' N e x t t o m e o n e o f t h e b o y s was t e a s i n g his a u n t i e . S h e t u r n e d t o m e a n d said, ' Y o u see h o w h e t a u n t s m e ? H e teases m e b e c a u s e I a m illiterate. W e R a i k a are j u s t like t h e a n i m a l s , u n e d u c a t e d a n d 55

b a c k w a r d . B u t o n e day I w i l l e d u c a t e m y s o n a n d h e w i l l t h e n b e able t o sit w i t h e d u c a t e d p e o p l e w i t h o u t s h a m e . ' I asked if a n y o n e h e r e h e l d o t h e r j o b s . D u r i n g f a m i n e y e a r s t h e Raika w o m e n

( a n d a n y available m e n )

were given w o r k

on

d r o u g h t - r e l i e f p r o j e c t s , b u i l d i n g roads o r s i n k i n g wells. A n d t h e r e w a s a b o y w h o h a d g o n e t o w o r k w i t h s o m e relatives w h o o w n e d a s w e e t s h o p i n t h e s l u m s o f B o m b a y . ' D i d h e w a n t t o g o ? ' I asked. P e o p l e s e e m e d b e m u s e d b y t h e q u e s t i o n . 'I m e a n , w h y did h e g o ? ' T h e y l o o k e d at m e as if I w e r e r e t a r d e d a n d said, ' F o r t h e m o n e y . ' O n e forgets, i n o n e ' s p r i v i l e g e , t h a t p o v e r t y m e a n s t h e a b s e n c e o f c h o i c e . Y o u d o n o t g o t o cities b e c a u s e y o u are b o r e d

with

c o u n t r y life b u t b e c a u s e y o u are a r e f u g e e o f d e v e l o p m e n t

or

p o v e r t y o r e c o l o g i c a l d e s t r u c t i o n — a n d i n t h e city y o u m i g h t b e p a i d e n o u g h t o s e n d a little h o m e . ' W h e n G o d m a d e t h e first R a i k a , ' i n t e r r u p t e d t h e s t o r y - t e l l e r , ' t h a t m a n t u r n e d t o G o d a n d said, " Y o u ' r e s o m e t h i n g else. Y o u ' v e g i v e n m e t w o eyes, t w o ears, t w o feet, t w o h a n d s b u t o n l y o n e s t o m a c h . It isn't fair. W h y d i d y o u d o i t ? " G o d l a u g h e d at h i m a n d answered, "You

foolish

Raika, don't you

realize h o w

much

t r o u b l e y o u ' r e g o i n g t o h a v e filling one?" ' ' A n d w h y d o y o u s o m e t i m e s call y o u r s e l v e s R a i k a a n d s o m e ­ t i m e s R a b a r i ? ' I w a s t o l d t h a t t h e r e w a s really n o difference b u t that older people t e n d e d to use t h e older t e r m R a b a r i , whereas R a i k a was p e r h a p s m o r e fashionable t h e s e days. I asked if I m i g h t g o w i t h t h e m this y e a r o n t h e d a n g . ' Y o u are always w e l c o m e t o live w i t h us,' said M a t a j i , ' b u t this w i l l b e a h o l i d a y y e a r for us. U s u a l l y w e m i g r a t e t o H a r y a n a . It is v e r y h a r d w o r k a n d w e are p l e a s e d t o c o m e b a c k . H a r y a n a is full o f b a d m a a s h ( c r o o k s ) . B u t this y e a r t h e r a i n was so g o o d w e d o n ' t h a v e t o g o t h a t far.' I n a n y case t h e i r h e r d s w e r e o n p e r m a n e n t m i g r a t i o n , a p h e n o m e n o n w h i c h b e g a n i n 1942 d u r i n g a f a m i n e . T h e graziers h a d s u r v i v e d b e t t e r t h a n m o s t b y t a k i n g t h e i r h e r d s g r e a t distances. It w a s i m p r a c t i c a l t o b r i n g t h e m all t h e w a y h o m e . Consequently, although people j o u r n e y e d back and forth

from

t h e d a n g t o t h e village, t h e a n i m a l s n e v e r r e t u r n e d . D u r i n g t h a t famine, M a t a ji told me, they had taken s o m e children from other castes w i t h t h e m so t h a t t h e y c o u l d d r i n k t h e a n i m a l s ' m i l k a n d survive. 56

W h e n it w a s t i m e t o g o I asked M a t a j i if I m i g h t b u y s o m e c a m e l feed f r o m h e r . ' A r e e e e e , if I t o o k m o n e y f r o m y o u I w o u l d n o t g o t o h e a v e n . Y o u are m y guest.' P o i n t i n g t o t h e t h r e e t i n y g o l d suns i n e a c h front t o o t h s h e said, ' W h e n I d i e , this is t h e o n l y g o l d t h a t w i l l g o w i t h m e . W h a t d o e s o n e t a k e after d e a t h ? J u s t o n e ' s g o o d d e e d s a n d t h e love o f o t h e r s . ' I n t h e e n d I gave t h e payment to her grandson w h o belonged to a generation w h i c h had learned to t e m p e r generosity w i t h pragmatism. Walking the next m o r n i n g , the phrase 'keepers of the way' kept r e t u r n i n g t o m e . A s it i m p l i e d s o m e t h i n g fixed a n d r i g i d I h a d t h o u g h t it a m i s t r a n s l a t i o n . B u t if it w a s , it w a s a felicitous o n e revealing, n o w , a d e e p e r t r u t h . R a b a r i s w e r e t h e k e e p e r s o f t h e original way - nomadism. O n t h e s e c o n d last day D i l i p d r o v e t o J o d h p u r t o stay i n a h o t e l . H e w o u l d m e e t us i n t h e m o r n i n g t o d o t h e ' c a m e l s c o m i n g past J o d h p u r castle' s h o t . I d e c i d e d like a g o o d c a p t a i n t o r e m a i n w i t h m y m e n . R a j u h a d already g o n e h o m e , so K o j u , B h a i r o n a n d I c a m p e d b y a small w h i t e t e m p l e . P o o r B h a i r o n h a d b e e n t r y i n g his b e s t t o satisfy t h e r e q u i r e m e n t s o f t h e l u n a t i c w h i t e w o m a n and the demands of a photographer. A n d w h a t had he got in r e t u r n b u t m o u t h f u l s o f d u s t a n d s o r e feet? H e h a d t h a t l o o k t h a t cats s o m e t i m e s g e t w h e n t h e y are d i s g u s t e d w i t h y o u — flat a r o u n d t h e ears. H e said n o t h i n g b u t I w a s p r e t t y sure h e w a s close t o tears. O r t o m u r d e r . K o j u tactfully w e n t t o h e a t h i m s o m e w a t e r a n d I b e g a n t o p r e p a r e t h e dal. ' B h a i r o n S i n g h j i is a n g r y , ' I said, b u t t h e r e w a s n o r e p l y . H e sat c r o s s - l e g g e d o n t h e steps o f t h e t e m p l e a n d b e g a n t o shave. A f t e r w a r d s h e d i s a p p e a r e d b e h i n d t h e t e m p l e for a b a t h . I busied myself w i t h the c o o k i n g until I was i n t e r r u p t e d

by

an exquisite baritone. I l o o k e d inside the t e m p l e and there was B h a i r o n , s t a n d i n g b e f o r e t h e g o d d e s s i n his fresh w h i t e c l o t h e s , c l e a n s i n g his b e i n g w i t h s o n g . W h e n , t h e f o l l o w i n g day, w e l i m p e d i n t o N a r e n d r a ' s f a r m , h e lifted his a r m s t o h e a v e n a n d p r o c l a i m e d , ' B h a i r o n S i n g h R a i k a

-

H i s t o r y ka hero.' A n d I p u t o u t m y right h a n d to Koju w h o t o o k it

shyly

Narendra.

in

both

his, b o w e d ,

grinned

and

delivered

me

to

5 History's H e r o w e n t back to being a policeman. Dilip returned to D e l h i . M o m a l a n d S u m a l w e r e t e t h e r e d i n front o f t h e h o u s e . A n d I, at last, h a d s o m e o n e t o talk t o . T h e m o m e n t I saw N a r e n d r a all t h e r e p r e s s e d s p e e c h o f t h e p r e v i o u s w e e k s c a m e o u t like s u l p h u r o u s gas f r o m a geyser. T h e r e h e sat i n his r a t t a n chair, n o d d i n g gravely, s m i l i n g o c c a s i o n a l l y as I b a b b l e d o n w i t h o u t b r e a t h , d r o p p i n g m y m a n i a i n t o t h e w e l l o f his b e i n g w i t h o u t e v e r h e a r i n g a splash. I t a l k e d t o h i m t h e w a y B h a i r o n h a d s u n g t o his g o d d e s s . A n d w i t h t h e s a m e d e p t h o f g r a t i t u d e . After t h e first b o u t o f v e r b i a g e I d i s a p p e a r e d i n s i d e m y r o o m a n d slept for a day. O n t h e f o l l o w i n g m o r n i n g N a r e n d r a sent a message that s o m e o n e h a d

arrived

w h o m h e w o u l d like m e t o m e e t . F r o m m y small c o n t a c t w i t h India's g o d m e n I w a s n o t p r e d i s ­ p o s e d t o h o l d i n g t h e m i n h i g h r e g a r d . If I t h o u g h t o f t h e m at all, I t h o u g h t o f t h e m as g r e e d y charlatans w h o d r o v e a r o u n d i n C a d i l ­ lacs e x p l o i t i n g spiritual v a c u u m s . T h e n t h e r e was t h e o t h e r k i n d w h i c h m i x e d politics w i t h r e l i g i o u s f a n a t i c i s m a n d p r e a c h e d t o l e r ­ a n c e t o all I n d i a n s e x c e p t M u s l i m s , C h r i s t i a n s , Jains, J e w s a n d Sikhs. N o r h a d I, like m a n y o t h e r w e s t e r n e r s , c o m e t o I n d i a t o find B h a g w a n . B u t w h e n I sat i n front o f B h a w a n i S h a n k a r j i a n d l o o k e d i n t o his face, t h e r e w a s n o m i s t a k i n g t h a t I w a s i n t h e presence of a highly evolved h u m a n being. Everything about h i m was s w e e t n e s s , selflessness, clarity, v i g o u r a n d h u m o u r . M e t a p h o r i ­ cally s p e a k i n g , y o u c o u l d see straight t h r o u g h h i m t o t h e o t h e r side o f t h e r o o m . H e w a s dressed i n a s c r u p u l o u s l y c l e a n b u t threadbare d h o t i a n d h e w o r e a pale blue turban w h i c h exactly m a t c h e d his eyes. H e w a s v e r y o l d . We

t a l k e d for

a while, Narendra 58

interpreting. T h e n

they

i . Koju and me with the new jeep

2 . Walking

my new camels back to Jodhpur

3. Mornat,

king of the Rajasthan

Jogis

4. Takat Singh and Chutra

5. Bhopavand,

training

a Rabari

village

Momal

6. Phagu

7. Nakki,

48 years old

8. Latchi gathering

the lambs

9. Parma wears my hat and glasses

i o . Jaivi,

1 1 . Parma, Jaivi,

Parma and me

Latchi and me sewing

1 2 . Collecting

firewood

m u t t e r e d s o m e t h i n g to each other. Bhawani t u r n e d back to m e a n d said, ' Y o u m u s t n o t b e a n x i o u s a b o u t y o u r w o r k . E v e r y t h i n g will t u r n o u t well b e c a u s e y o u are n o t d o i n g it for selfish reasons. Y o u m u s t l e a r n t o b e c a l m a n d t o h e l p y o u w i t h this, I will give y o u a m a n t r a . ' It was an a n c i e n t S a n s k r i t verse, an a p p e a l t o D e v i . I was t o l e a r n it off b y h e a r t a n d say it every day. ' B u t B h a w a n i j i , it is n o t m u c h g o o d m y saying this p r a y e r w h e n I d o n ' t b e l i e v e t h a t D e v i , o r a n y t h i n g else, is t h e r e t o listen.' H e b u r s t o u t l a u g h i n g a n d replied, ' B u t y o u are q u i t e r i g h t ! T h e r e is n o o n e listening; t h e r e is n o t h i n g . O n l y t h e c r e a t i o n itself w h i c h is ineffable. I m a g i n e it as a n e n g i n e , p u s h i n g t h e u n i v e r s e a l o n g . T h i n k o f it i n t e r m s o f s c i e n c e if y o u like, b u t say t h e m a n t r a a n y w a y . Y o u will see t h a t it will d o y o u g o o d . ' H e refused t o take a n y t h i n g from m e a n d , b y w a y o f e x p l a n a ­ tion, told the following story. T h e M a h a r a n i of J o d h p u r wished to t h a n k h i m for s o m e h e l p h e h a d g i v e n h e r b y h a v i n g a velvet c o a t m a d e for h i m . H e refused t h e gift, saying t h a t h e w o u l d b e c o m e d e p e n d e n t o n the w a r m t h and l u x u r y of the coat but that w h e n t h e c o a t w o r e o u t w h a t w o u l d h e d o ? It was b e t t e r n e v e r t o o w n a c o a t t h a n t o miss h a v i n g a coat. ' W h e n m y c h i l d d i e d I m i g h t h a v e g i v e n w a y t o g r i e f as I l o v e d h i m v e r y m u c h . B u t t h a t w o u l d n o t b r i n g b a c k m y son n o r d o a n y o n e else a n y g o o d . It is b e t t e r t o p r o c e e d w i t h one's d u t y in t h e s e r v i c e o f o t h e r s t h a n w a l l o w in t h e p a i n a t t a c h m e n t s b r i n g . ' It is d i s c o n c e r t i n g t o m e e t s o m e o n e t o w h o m it is i m p o s s i b l e t o give a n y t h i n g b e c a u s e h e has n o desire for a n y t h i n g . H e c a n n o t b e c h a r m e d o r w o n over b e c a u s e t h e love e m a n a t i n g f r o m h i m is already u n c o n d i t i o n a l . I rarely said m y m a n t r a b u t w h e n I did, I said it for B h a w a n i ji w h o s e h e a r t was as p u r e as a t e m p l e bell. ' Y o u b r o u g h t h i m h e r e for m e , d i d n ' t y o u ? ' ' H e c o m e s t o visit m e a n y w a y . B u t as y o u w e r e h e r e . . .' ' T h a t ' s so k i n d o f y o u , N a r e n d r a . B u t , tell m e , all this puja business y o u d o . W h a t g o e s o n inside y o u r h e a d w h e n y o u d o it? I can't i m a g i n e w h a t it is like t o h a v e a faith.' ' W h e n t h e o l d m a n dies I shall p r o b a b l y s t o p d o i n g t h e m . ' ' B u t w h a t d o y o u believe? D o y o u believe i n t h e soul s u r v i v i n g after d e a t h ? ' 59

'No.' ' D o y o u believe in karma?' ' N o . T h e r e ' s j u s t o n e life.' ' T h e n d o y o u b e l i e v e i n a G o d w h o is c o n s c i o u s o f y o u , w h o listens t o y o u ? ' 'No.' 'Then

who the hell are you praying to?'

' N o t to a n y o n e exactly. I r e m e m b e r J e s u s , B u d d h a , M o h a m m e d , P a r v a t i . T h e e a r t h has b e e n k i n d t o m e . S o it's a w a y o f j u s t . . . b e i n g b y myself, r e t u r n i n g t o m y s e l f a n d . . . g i v i n g t h a n k s . ' T h e r e w a s n o p o i n t i n a s k i n g t h a n k s t o w h o m as t h e W h o o r W h a t of the m a t t e r was obviously irrelevant. T h e p o i n t was that N a r e n d r a ' s p r a y e r s gave h i m a k i n d o f ballast as h e sailed t h r o u g h t h e s t o r m s o f life. ' Y o u w i l l n e e d s o m e o n e t o l o o k after t h e camels.' ' N o , I w o n ' t . I've o w n e d c a m e l s b e f o r e . . .' ' H m m . B u t t h a t w a s i n Australia a n d n o w y o u are i n I n d i a , a n d i n I n d i a y o u w i l l n e e d s o m e o n e t o l o o k after t h e c a m e l s . Y o u w o n ' t h a v e t i m e t o t a k e t h e m o u t t o feed so I've t a k e n t h e l i b e r t y o f e m p l o y i n g a R a i k a . . .' 'If

someone

has

to

be

employed,

then

I'm

doing

the

e m p l o y i n g . . .' As always N a r e n d r a g o t his w a y a n d a f e w days l a t e r C h u t r a R a m R a i k a a r r i v e d , a m a n w h o s e d i m i n u t i v e size w a s i n reverse proportion

to

his e g o . H i s p e o p l e

no

longer

wandered

but

w o r k e d , w h e n t h e y c o u l d , for local l a n d o w n e r s . H e w o r e his t u r b a n at a j a u n t y a n g l e , s t r u t t e d o n d a i n t y legs, h a d b e e n e d u c a t e d t o t e n t h class, c o u l d s p e a k H i n d i a n d a d o z e n w o r d s o f E n g l i s h , pronounced

himself h o n o u r e d

to b e m y u n t h wallah

(camel

h a n d l e r ) a n d d e m a n d e d d o u b l e his w a g e s . F o r t h e first t i m e I f o u n d i g n o r a n c e o f t h e l a n g u a g e

useful.

' K y a ? ' I said. I h a d e n o u g h H i n d i n o w t o b e able t o i m a g i n e C h u t r a ' s s p e e c h i n E n g l i s h . It w e n t s o m e t h i n g like this. 'I a m t h e l u c k i e s t a n d m o s t h o n o u r e d o f m e n t o b e able t o w o r k for s u c h a n i m p o r t a n t a n d r i c h a p e r s o n as yourself. I w i l l w o r k as h a r d as a t h o u s a n d m e n a n d I w i l l p r o t e c t y o u a n d l o o k after M o m a l a n d S u m a l b e c a u s e I k n o w e v e r y t h i n g a b o u t c a m e l s . 60

A n d y o u w i l l g i v e m e t w i c e t h e w a g e t h a t S a h i b has offered. I a m a n o n l y s o n a n d I m u s t l o o k after m y m o t h e r , w h o is v e r y p o o r a n d v e r y o l d a n d v e r y sick. I m u s t b u i l d h e r a n e w h o u s e t o live in.' C h u t r a s i g h e d d e e p l y , t h e n b e g a n t o p i c k p r i c k l e s off m y k u r t a — a n i n t i m a c y w h i c h m a d e m e distinctly u n c o m f o r t a b l e . B e s i d e s t h a t , h e u s e d t h e i n t i m a t e f o r m o f address, t u r n . I n H i n d i t u r n is u s e d t o address t h o s e y o u n g e r t h a n o n e s e l f o r close friends

or

t h o s e i n a n i n f e r i o r social p o s i t i o n . S e r v a n t s , for e x a m p l e , are always r e f e r r e d t o as t u r n b y t h e i r e m p l o y e r s . T h i s linguistic h i e r ­ a r c h y w e n t against m y g r a i n . C o n s e q u e n t l y I u s e d t u r n o n l y w i t h c h i l d r e n a n d always a d d r e s s e d t h e servants as aap, t h e m o r e p o l i t e a n d respectful use. ' K y a aap n e b o l e ? ' I said p o i n t e d l y b u t C h u t r a was i m p e r v i o u s t o i n n u e n d o . I b a c k e d i n t o t h e h o u s e t o discuss the matter with Narendra. W e h a d h a d similar discussions b e f o r e . I w a n t e d t o p a y m y e m p l o y e e s m o r e ; h e f o r b a d e it. 'But why?' ' B e c a u s e if y o u p a y K o j u m o r e , o r C h u t r a m o r e , e v e r y o n e w i l l h a v e t o r e c e i v e a n e q u i v a l e n t raise a n d h u n d r e d s o f p e o p l e w o r k for m e . B e s i d e s , t h e y are a l r e a d y w e l l p a i d . T h e o n e s at t h e t o p r e c e i v e m o r e t h a n a g o v e r n m e n t salary a n d all o f t h e m g e t t h r e e m o n t h s ' , h o l i d a y a y e a r p l u s m a n y p e r k s . Please d o n ' t w r e c k m y system.' ' A feudal system,' I m u t t e r e d . ' D o n ' t y o u w o r r y a b o u t it. I'll d e a l w i t h C h u t r a . H e ' s already g e t t i n g t w i c e t h e w a g e o f his p r e v i o u s j o b a n d t h e r o g u e o n l y has t w o c a m e l s t o l o o k after.' H e l a u g h e d . ' B u t y o u h a v e t o a d m i r e his pluck.' Later Koju

c a m e i n b e a r i n g tea. H e h a d a b r o o d i n g

look.

P i e c i n g t o g e t h e r t h e bits o f his m u m b l e d M a r w a r i , I s u p p o s e d h i m t o say, ' I f c e r t a i n p e o p l e are b e i n g difficult, t h e n t h e r e are thousands of others in n e e d of a certain person's j o b . Certain p e o p l e s h o u l d b e t h a n k f u l for w h a t t h e y are offered w h i c h is m o r e than other people get to do m o r e work.' T h e n o t i o n o f solidarity a m o n g workers h a d n o t p e n e t r a t e d rural Rajasthan. T h e Marwaris w o r k i n g here w e r e entirely lacking i n t h a t p r e r e q u i s i t e for c l a s s - c o n s c i o u s n e s s — e n v y . K o j u w a s i d e n t i ­ fied w i t h N a r e n d r a a n d , b y default, m e . W h a t w a s g o o d for us w a s 61

g o o d for h i m . O u r e n e m i e s w e r e his e n e m i e s . H e w o u l d b o a s t t o e v e r y o n e w e c a m e across t h a t his M e m s a h i b s p e n t t h e e q u i v a l e n t o f a day's w a g e s o n cigarettes. A n d d i d t h e r e c i p i e n t s o f this i n f o r m a ­ t i o n r e g a r d m e w i t h l o a t h i n g a n d c o n t e m p t ? N o t at all. M y p r o f l i ­ g a c y was a n i n d i c a t i o n o f m y h i g h status a n d t h e p r o p e r r e s p o n s e t o a status h i g h e r t h a n one's o w n is h u m i l i t y a n d respect. C h u t r a d i d n o t give u p d e s p i t e t h e tacit c e n s o r i o u s n e s s

from

t h o s e a r o u n d h i m . I t o o k t o s n e a k i n g across t o m y r o o m like a burglar, h o p i n g n o t t o e n c o u n t e r h i m . B u t h e w a s able t o d i v i n e m y p r e s e n c e a n d t h e r e h e w o u l d b e , cajoling,

flattering,

harassing.

' C h u t r a , y o u m u s t t a k e u p t h e m a t t e r w i t h Sahib. H e says w h a t e a c h w a g e w i l l be.' ' N o t at all! Y o u are m y b e n e f a c t o r . Y o u are r i c h a n d I a m a p o o r m a n . Y o u c a n say h o w m u c h . ' N o o n e was m o r e c o n s c i o u s t h a n h e o f t h e m u l t i t u d e s p r e s s i n g against t h e gates o f this f a r m . I c o u l d h a v e h a d t e n t h o u s a n d c a m e l m e n for t h e p r i c e o f a c a r t o n o f cigarettes a month. B u t C h u t r a R a m R a i k a w a s e d u c a t e d t o t e n t h class a n d t h o u g h h e m i g h t o w n j u s t o n e d h o t i , o n e fraying shirt a n d a r a t t y t u r b a n , h e was S o m e ­ b o d y . T o s h o w h o w i n d i s p e n s a b l e h e w a s h e g o t u p at five, fed t h e c a m e l s , c l i p p e d t h e i r coats i n t o p r e t t y p a t t e r n s t h e n t o o k t h e m o u t t o t h e fields t o feed o n t h e k e t c h e r i trees. W h e r e v e r I l o o k e d C h u t r a w o u l d b e t h e r e , l o u d l y f i n d i n g s o m e t h i n g t o d o . As for t h e c a m e l s , n e v e r h a v e I s e e n a n i m a l s so p a m p e r e d . T h e i r

bellies

b e c a m e huge, their h u m p s obscene, their tempers horrid.

My

c a m e l s i n Australia h a d b e e n spoilt, n o d o u b t , b u t t h e y h a d m a n ­ n e r s . A n y i n s u r r e c t i o n w a s m e t b y a hefty b l o w . N o t so, M o m a l a n d S u m a l . If I t r i e d t o g o a n y w h e r e n e a r t h e m , C h u t r a w o u l d b e t h e r e fussing, t e l l i n g m e w h a t t o d o a n d h o w t o d o it, g r a b b i n g lines a n d l e a t h e r o u t o f m y h a n d s . N o w , c a m e l s are n o t s t u p i d . Very quickly these t w o u n d e r s t o o d that they could

persecute

a n y o n e t h e y c a r e d t o as l o n g as t h e y s u c k e d u p t o C h u t r a . I w o u l d dearly have loved to take t h e m o u t b u s h and teach t h e m p r o p e r attitude

with

a

hobble

chain,

but

the

unth

wallah

was

omnipresent. C h u t r a h a d already t o l d m e t h e s t o r y o f t h e p r i n c e s s e s for w h o m the camels w e r e n a m e d . M o m a l was the princess of L o d vara, t h e o l d capital o f Jaisalmer. S h e w a s f a m o u s for h e r b e a u t y . 62

S u m a l , h e r sister, w h o w a s n o t at all b e a u t i f u l , dressed like a m a n a n d loved to go h u n t i n g . M a h e n d r a was a p r i n c e of A m a r k o t , the o l d capital o f P a k i s t a n . H e was e x t r e m e l y u g l y , h a d o n l y o n e e y e a n d was very dark. B u t h e loved M o m a l a n d w a n t e d to m a r r y her. T h e l o v e w a s r e t u r n e d i n full m e a s u r e . M a h e n d r a o w n e d a v e r y w o n d e r f u l c a m e l called C h i k a l w h o c o u l d travel t h e six t h o u s a n d m i l e s i n a n i g h t a n d cross t h e K a a k R i v e r w i t h o u t a n y p r o b l e m . A t m i d n i g h t M a h e n d r a w o u l d r i d e t o his mistress, stay w i t h h e r u n t i l four and t h e n return h o m e . O n e night M o m a l and Sumal h a d b e e n gossiping together and b e c a m e so t i r e d t h a t t h e y fell asleep i n t h e s a m e c o t . W h e n M a h e n ­ d r a a r r i v e d , t h e y w e r e c u r l e d i n e a c h o t h e r ' s a r m s . M a h e n d r a saw t h a t his b e l o v e d w a s s l e e p i n g w i t h , as h e t h o u g h t , a n o t h e r m a n . H e b e c a m e very angry and galloped h o m e . A t f o u r o ' c l o c k M o m a l a w o k e a n d said, ' W h e r e is m y M a h e n ­ d r a ? ' T h e servants t o l d h e r t h a t h e h a d c o m e b u t h a d left i n a v e r y a n g r y m o o d . S h e t h o u g h t t o h e r s e l f t h a t it m u s t b e b e c a u s e h e h a d s e e n h e r w i t h S u m a l a n d s e n t a m e s s a g e t o h i m t o c o m e so t h a t s h e c o u l d clear u p t h e m i s u n d e r s t a n d i n g . B u t h e w o u l d n o t . T h e n e x t n i g h t M o m a l d e t e r m i n e d t o g o t o h i m . B u t t h e rains h a d c o m e and the river was swollen. Every m i n u t e the

flood

b e c a m e h i g h e r a n d h i g h e r . B u t so d e s p e r a t e w a s s h e t o see h e r p r i n c e that she p l u n g e d into the water and d r o w n e d . M a h e n d r a n e v e r m a r r i e d a n y o n e else. C h u t r a h a d t o s t r u g g l e against tears w h e n t e l l i n g this s t o r y . L a t e r h e b o a s t e d t h a t i n t h e g o o d o l d days R a i k a h a d b e e n m e s s e n ­ gers t o k i n g s a n d w e r e a l l o w e d f u r t h e r i n t o t h e royal h o u s e s t h a n o t h e r castes. R a i k a h a d a c c o m p a n i e d t h e i r rajahs o n t h e b a t t l e ­ fields

of yore; indeed, the nobility had d e p e n d e d u p o n

Raika

i n t e l l i g e n c e , R a i k a b r a v e r y , R a i k a skill. I c o u l d f o l l o w his l i n e o f r e a s o n i n g . B y a s t r o k e o f g o o d f o r t u n e t h e o l d days h a d r e t u r n e d a n d h e , C h u t r a R a m R a i k a , w a s n o w e m p l o y e d b y a m e m b e r o f t h e J o d h p u r d u r b a r ( c o u r t ) a n d b y his guest, a fabulously rich E u r o p e a n . E r g o t h e camels h a d to have t h e b e s t a n d m o s t e x p e n s i v e f o o d , t h e b e s t saddles, h a d t o b e d e c o r ­ a t e d w i t h bells a n d silver a n d tat, h a d t o b e s e e n t o b e s u p e r i o r i n e v e r y w a y t o h o i p o l l o i c a m e l s . B u t this w a s n o t w h a t I h a d p l a n n e d . I w a n t e d h a r d - w o r k i n g , safe, affectionate c a m e l s . C a m e l s 63

y o u c o u l d share a j o k e w i t h w h e n t h e g o i n g g o t r o u g h . I d i d n o t w a n t t h e s e a u t o c r a t i c , fat, f o u l - t e m p e r e d , g a u d i l y a t t i r e d , m a l i c i o u s a n d , a b o v e all, d a n g e r o u s p r i n c e s s e s . B u t m y ideas w e r e b a s e d o n i g n o r a n c e o f t h e n a t u r a l o r d e r o f things. I was n o t to handle m y o w n camels. T h a t w o u l d b e b e ­ n eat h m y standing and w o u l d imply that he, C h u t r a , was i n c o m p e t ­ e n t at his j o b . I w a s t o b e h a v e like a k i n d o f w h i t e - s k i n n e d r a n i t o w h o m s u c h t h i n g s as t i g h t e n i n g g i r t h s a n d p u n i s h i n g d r o m e d a r i e s w e r e u n t h i n k a b l e . B u t t h e r o o t o f o u r difficulty w a s this: I, his boss, the p e r s o n from w h o m h e was supposed to accept orders, was a woman. O u r horns were locked from the beginning but I could only lose g r o u n d . C h u t r a h a d b e h i n d h i m t h e w e i g h t o f t r a d i t i o n , flu­ e n c y i n H i n d i a n d M a r w a r i (it is v e r y difficult t o b e c o m m a n d i n g w h e n y o u c a n n o t say t h e c o m m a n d s ) a n d t h e skin o f a c r o c o d i l e . T h u s M o m a l a n d S u m a l b e c a m e his c a m e l s a n d I gave u p m y last h o p e o f c o n t r o l l i n g a n y aspect o f m y life i n R a j a s t h a n . Was it character-building to b e m a d e i m p o t e n t ? Was I learning h o w to let g o t h e o l d h a b i t o f t o t a l self-reliance? N o . I w a s l e a r n i n g h o w t o r e s e n t bastards like C h u t r a i n t h e p r i v a c y o f m y little r o o m at night. O f all t h e servants, t h e o n l y o n e w h o really u n d e r s t o o d

my

n e e d t o d o t h i n g s for m y s e l f was K o j u . I n d e e d , so w e l l d i d h e u n d e r s t a n d it t h a t h e c o u l d n o w lie b a c k q u i t e h a p p i l y , s m o k i n g m y cigarettes o r p l a y i n g M a r w a r i songs o n m y cassette r e c o r d e r w h i l e I d i d all m y w o r k myself, a n d his as w e l l . S o m e h o w I j u s t h a d n ' t g o t t h e h a n g o f this s e r v a n t business. I c o u l d n o t g e t u s e d t o t h e i d e a o f t h e r e b e i n g classes o f p e o p l e i n h e r e n t l y i n f e r i o r t o oneself, t o w h o m o n e c o u l d b e as o d i o u s l y c o n d e s c e n d i n g o r d o w n r i g h t b r u t a l as o n e liked, y e t w i t h w h o m o n e lived as i n t i m a t e l y as family. I h a d s e e n o t h e r w i s e p e r f e c t l y d e c e n t p e o p l e i n D e l h i a b u s i n g t h e i r servants as if t h e y w e r e p e t s . D e e p w i t h i n I held the Protestant n o t i o n that o n e should d o one's o w n c h o r e s a n d t h a t , if y o u d i v i d e d t h e w o r l d i n t o m a s t e r s a n d servants, t h e m a s t e r s b e c a m e i n c o m p e t e n t at l o o k i n g after t h e m ­ selves, a n d t h e servants i n c a p a b l e o f i n d e p e n d e n t t h o u g h t . P e r h a p s , i n m y o w n c u l t u r e , t h e i d e o l o g y o f e g a l i t a r i a n i s m was c o m p e n s a ­ t i o n for t h e c h a s m s e p a r a t i n g o n e i n d i v i d u a l f r o m a n o t h e r . T h e 64

s t r u c t u r e o f I n d i a n s o c i e t y p r o v i d e d a k i n d o f p s y c h i c s e c u r i t y as w e l l as i m p o s i n g o r d e r . E v e r y p e r s o n k n e w w h e r e a n d w h o h e was in relation to every o t h e r person. It w a s a different m o r a l i t y t o w h i c h I m u s t adjust. B u t h o w w a s I t o find a p l a c e w i t h i n t h e s t r u c t u r e t h a t was t o l e r a b l e for m e a n d w o u l d n o t cause p r o b l e m s for t h e p e o p l e a r o u n d m e ? W i t h o u t t h e ability (or desire) t o r e c o g n i z e h i g h f r o m low, close f r o m far, I gave e q u a l a t t e n t i o n t o all, t h u s e x h a u s t i n g myself, c o n f u s i n g the recipients and upsetting t h e balance o f a system that

had

w o r k e d perfectly h a r m o n i o u s l y before I came. Yet it was t h e servants w h o

w e r e m y closest

companions,

t h e servants w h o l a u g h e d at m y j o k e s , t r i e d t o t e a c h m e t h e i r l a n g u a g e , t o l d m e t h e i r stories, w h o w e r e t h e r e w h e n I n e e d e d company,

who

tactfully

withdrew

when

they

sensed

my

i n w a r d n e s s — t h e servants w h o w e r e m y f r i e n d s . B u t t h o s e f r i e n d ­ ships c o n t a i n e d

so m a n y

cultural

subtleties

of which

I

was

u n a w a r e t h a t it w a s o n l y b y t h e i r a c c e p t a n c e o f t h e b o u n d a r i e s i m p o s e d b y difference o f b i r t h , t h e i r u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f t h e c o r r e c t r e l a t i o n s h i p s a m o n g e a c h layer o f t h e social p y r a m i d , a n d t h e i r tolerance of m y ignorance, that trouble w i t h i n the ranks was avoided. N a r e n d r a h a d asked T a k a t S i n g h t o t r a i n m y c a m e l s . T r a c t o r loads o f s a n d h a d b e e n d e p o s i t e d i n front o f t h e j h u m p a i n p r e p a r a ­ t i o n for t h e e v e n t . O n t h e m o r n i n g it w a s t o b e g i n S u m a l a l m o s t t o o k m y h a n d off at t h e e l b o w , a p i e c e o f evil at w h i c h C h u t r a h a d s m i l e d b e n e v o l e n t l y . T a k a t a r r i v e d at six i n his b l u e safari suit, d y n a m i t e d t h e hills w i t h his l a u g h a n d said, 'Just see if she w a n t s t o b i t e a n y o n e after today.' I t o o k a seat r i n g - s i d e t o w a t c h t h e p e r f o r m ­ a n c e . First t h e camel's front legs w e r e t i e d w i t h r o p e , so t h a t she was forced t o crawl. T h i s she did, roaring a n d

fighting,

until her

b a c k legs q u i v e r e d a n d she s a n k t o t h e g r o u n d , at w h i c h p o i n t Takat, displaying neither anger n o r sentimentality, belted h e r w i t h a r o p e u n t i l she c r a w l e d again. C h u t r a ' s h e a r t w a s b r e a k i n g b u t I felt t h e tiniest sliver o f satisfaction at t h e sight. B y t h e e n d o f t h a t first day's t r a i n i n g m y p r i n c e s s e s w o u l d c r a w l o n c o m m a n d w i t h ­ o u t so m u c h as a r u m b l e o f p r o t e s t . T h e s e m o r n i n g circuses w e r e t o c o n t i n u e for f o u r w e e k s u n t i l M o m a l a n d S u m a l w o u l d l o w e r t h e i r h e a d s t o t h e g r o u n d o n c o m m a n d , roll o v e r o n c o m m a n d (a 65

useful tactic i n t h e d e s e r t w h e n y o u are u n d e r fire t h o u g h I r a t h e r h o p e d I w o u l d n e v e r h a v e t o use it), p a c e , s t o p a n d w a l k

on

c o m m a n d - a n d any t h o u g h t of chasing, biting or kicking a n y o n e seemed to have vanished from their pretty heads. W h e n Takat was a r o u n d , C h u t r a was t h e essence o f h u m i l i t y n o t t o say o b s e q u i o u s n e s s . B u t as s o o n as T a k a t w a s g o n e

he

w o u l d g r u m b l e that only R a i k a k n e w h o w to handle camels and t h a t all this t r a i n i n g w a s a w a s t e o f t i m e . T a k a t h a d g i v e n h i m strict i n s t r u c t i o n s t o exercise t h e beasts e v e r y day a n d t o f o l l o w t h r o u g h w i t h t h e r o u t i n e . P r e d i c t a b l y C h u t r a d i d n o t c o m p l y . B u t at least I h a d m y w a y a b o u t r i d i n g t h e m e v e r y m o r n i n g at five. I always r o d e M o m a l , t h e R o l l s - R o y c e . O f f w e w o u l d fly at a b r i s k p a c e , C h u t r a , n a t u r a l l y , t a k i n g t h e lead, his t u r b a n set at a n e v e n m o r e rakish a n g l e , his b a c k straight, his little legs g r i p p i n g like fingers, s i n g i n g M a r w a r i songs i n a frightful falsetto, w a v i n g his w h i p i n t h e air like a b a t t l e flag. M i s t s rose off t h e chilli fields, w a t e r birds p a d d l e d i n t h e i r r i g a t i o n d i t c h e s , t h e castles i n t h e distance w e r e tinged p i n k by t h e rising sun. W h a t e v e r faults I c o u l d find w i t h t h e beasts o n t h e g r o u n d , o n c e o n t h e i r b a c k s I a d o r e d t h e m . It w a s like r i d i n g c l o u d s , o r silk, a n d t h e y r e s p o n d e d t o t h e m e r e s t t o u c h , t h e softest w o r d . T h e difference b e t w e e n J a i s a l m e r r i d i n g c a m e l s a n d A u s t r a l i a n p l o d ­ d e r s was t h e difference b e t w e e n g o l d a n d lead. C h u t r a b e c a m e a tall m a n i n t h e saddle. T o b e s e e n o n t h e b a c k o f s u c h e l e g a n t c a m e l s as t h e s e c o m p e n s a t e d for his littleness, his p o v e r t y , for all t h e h u m i l i a t i o n s o f b e i n g a n i n t e l l i g e n t m a n e m p l o y e d far b e n e a t h his abilities. I a l m o s t c a m e t o like h i m d u r i n g t h o s e r i d e s u n t i l o n e day h e said, ' M a d a m S a h i b c a n r i d e v e r y well.' A m a z i n g h o w a c o m p l i m e n t c a n s o u n d like a n i n s u l t w h e n d e l i v e r e d w i t h

the

c o r r e c t a m o u n t o f sarcasm. I said n o t h i n g . ' O f course,' h e w e n t o n , ' R a i k a w o m e n c a n r i d e w i t h o u t a saddle a n d j u m p o n t o t h e a n i m a l w h i l e it is standing.' Y o u little a r s e h o l e , I t h o u g h t , a n d l o n g e d t o b o a s t t h a t I h a d galloped m y o w n camels bareback d o w n creek-beds in m y y o u t h . B u t I didn't k n o w the words. W h e n e v e r I c a m e b a c k f r o m m y forays i n t o t h e d e s e r t I w o u l d find that the camels had reverted to their old habits and that I m i g h t as w e l l eat air as h o p e t o h a v e a n y i n f l u e n c e o v e r m y c a m e l 66

m a n . Let's l o o k o n t h e b r i g h t side, I said t o m y s e l f s i n c e t h e r e w a s n o o n e else t o talk t o . Y o u h a v e t h e t w o best c a m e l s i n I n d i a , y o u h a v e t h e assistance o f a n e x - m i n i s t e r a n d c o u n t l e s s h e l p e r s a n d h a n g e r s o n , a n d it is against t h e laws o f m a t h e m a t i c a l p r o b a b i l i t y t h a t w i t h this m u c h effort y o u w i l l n o t find, s o m e w h e r e , across six states, j u s t t h a t g r o u p . . . A c o u p l e o f w e e k s later H i s t o r y ' s H e r o visited. H e h a d , after m u c h t h i n k i n g a n d w o r r y i n g o n m y behalf, d i s c o v e r e d e x a c t l y t h e r i g h t p l a c e for m e t o c e n t r e m y s t o r y a n d it j u s t h a p p e n e d t o b e his v e r y o w n village, B a a b a r a . K n o w i n g t h a t self-interest lay at t h e b o t t o m o f his p r o p o s a l d i d n o t p r e v e n t m y b e i n g grateful. T h a n k s t o a n o v e r d e v e l o p e d sense o f r e s p o n s i b i l i t y t o w a r d s t h e m a g a z i n e ' s p h o t o g r a p h i c n e e d s I h a d b e e n v e r y c h o o s y till n o w . I n l o c a t i n g a g r o u p o f R a i k a I always t o o k i n t o a c c o u n t s u c h t h i n g s as d e s e r t vistas, p r e t t y j h u m p a s , d r a m a t i c p h o t o s o f arrivals i n P u s h ¬ k a r — t h a t s o r t o f t h i n g . B h a i r o n ' s p e o p l e , I k n e w , lived i n b o r i n g , e a t e n - o u t farmland, a n d w o u l d take their animals along the C h a m ¬ bal R i v e r b e s i d e factories, s e w e r a g e o u t l e t s a n d l e a k y

nuclear

p o w e r stations, a n d o n i n t o t h e d a c o i t - i n f e s t e d b a d l a n d s . N o t exactly the

sunset s a n d - d u n e

descriptions w i t h w h i c h

I

had

s e c u r e d t h e m a g a z i n e ' s i n t e r e s t a n d cash. T h e n t h e r e w a s B h a i r o n t o c o n s i d e r . A l t h o u g h I felt s y m p a t h y , e v e n f o n d n e s s , for t h e t h i r d p o l i c e m a n , o n o u r p r e v i o u s a d v e n t u r e I h a d s o m e t i m e s f o u n d m y s e l f w a n t i n g t o strangle h i m q u i e t l y a n d b u r y h i m i n a d u n e . N a t u r a l l y this feeling w a s m u t u a l

though,

f r o m his p o i n t o f v i e w , s h e p h e r d i n g m e w a s i n f i n i t e l y preferable t o b e i n g b u l l i e d b y his s u p e r i o r s i n J o d h p u r , especially if h e c o u l d c o n v i n c e m e t o focus m y r e s e a r c h at his village t h e r e b y p r o v i d i n g h i m s e l f w i t h a p a i d h o l i d a y a n d his family a n d friends w i t h w h o k n e w w h a t p e r q u i s i t e s . W h i l e I u n d e r s t o o d h o w m u c h this e r s t ­ w h i l e n o m a d l o a t h e d b e i n g a c o p , h o w h e l o n g e d for r e t i r e m e n t as a m a r o o n e d m a n l o n g s for a ship, t h e t h o u g h t o f s p e n d i n g a year w i t h h i m hovering over m e and answering m y queries w i t h wildly incorrect information was n o t compelling. O n the other h a n d t i m e was r u n n i n g out. B h a i r o n was going to i n t r o d u c e m e to o n e of the m o s t p o w e r ­ ful n u m b e r d a r s i n t h e w h o l e o f R a j a s t h a n — a m a n so clever t h a t e v e n local p o l i t i c i a n s c o u r t e d h i m . T h e n u m b e r d a r w o u l d , 67

B h a i r o n assured m e , b e d e l i g h t e d t o t a k e m e w i t h his d a n g b u t there was a hitch. T h e badlands along the C h a m b a l R i v e r w e r e c r a w l i n g w i t h b a n d i t s a n d t h e r e f o r e a pistol, a rifle a n d himself, B h a i r o n , w o u l d b e essential b a g g a g e . ' S u r e l y y o u ' r e e x a g g e r a t i n g t h e danger,' I said. ' I f y o u r p e o p l e d o n ' t t a k e rifles o n t h e d a n g , w h y o n e a r t h s h o u l d I?' H e

got

t h a t flat l o o k a r o u n d t h e ears again. ' T h e y d o t a k e rifles if t h e y c a n g e t t h e m . I n a n y case e v e r y o n e , m e n , w o m e n a n d c h i l d r e n , is a r m e d w i t h l a t h i a n d s t o n e slings. Last y e a r t h e d a c o i t s k i d ­ n a p p e d a m a n a n d b r o k e b o t h his legs b e c a u s e his f a m i l y c o u l d n o t afford t h e r a n s o m . W e R a i k a are t r y i n g t o c o n v i n c e g o v e r n ­ ment

to

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p r o t e c t u s . A p a r t f r o m stealing o u r a n i m a l s , t h e d a c o i t s

to

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c a p t u r e w o m e n for t h e i r p l e a s u r e a n d y o u w o u l d b r i n g i n a b i g p r i c e . ' S o m e w h e r e i n t h e small r e s i d u e o f m y r o m a n t i c i s m I h a d b e e n h a r b o u r i n g t h e delusion that t h e dacoits w e r e R o b i n Hood

t y p e s w i t h attractive m o u s t a c h e s a n d i n c i p i e n t

socialist

t e n d e n c i e s , w h o m i g h t , if e n c o u n t e r e d , b e i n t e r e s t i n g t o c h a t t o a n d w h o w o u l d at t h e v e r y least p r o v i d e g o o d b o o k

fodder.

B h a i r o n w a s s e t t i n g m e straight. If t h e i r c h i v a l r y h a d e v e r b e e n real (a p e r c e p t i o n w h i c h d e p e n d e d u p o n w h e t h e r t h e y c u t y o u r feet off o r s h a r e d t h e i r b o o t y w i t h y o u r village), it w a s l o n g e r . T h e s e days t h e y w e r e m o r e likely t o b e

no

arm-breakers

f r o m t h e B o m b a y mafia. A b o u t as p l e a s a n t t o c o m e across as a nest o f v i p e r s . T h a t t h e R a i k a w e r e w i l l i n g t o risk t h e i r lives p u s h i n g t h e i r flocks a l o n g this n e w r o u t e i n d i c a t e d t h e i r level o f d e s p e r a t i o n a n d t h e d a r i n g t h a t has a l l o w e d t h e m t o s u r v i v e since t i m e i m m e m o r i a l . I h a d already m e t , c l a n d e s t i n e l y , a r e t i r e d l e a d e r o f t h e d a c o i t s but

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w o r r i e d that m y presence o n the d a n g w o u l d place m y hosts i n g r e a t e r j e o p a r d y . W h i c h i n t u r n m a d e m e c u r i o u s as t o w h y t h e n u m b e r d a r w a s so a n x i o u s t o h a v e m e a l o n g . N e v e r m i n d the hitches. A n e w plan was taking shape. I w o u l d h u r r y to Baabara to catch an interview w i t h the

numberdar

before h e r e t u r n e d to the dang. F r o m there I w o u l d m e e t u p w i t h 68

D i l i p i n J a i p u r a n d h e a d o n o u t t o t h e d a n g , a h u n d r e d o r so m i l e s away, t o p h o t o g r a p h t h e s h e a r i n g . I t h a n k e d H i s t o r y ' s H e r o , r a n g D i l i p , h i r e d R a j u as i n t e r p r e t e r a n d a r r a n g e d t o g o t o B a a b a r a t h e following w e e k .

6 O n t h e w a y t o B a a b a r a , B h a i r o n t o o k us t o a village w h e r e s o m e o f t h e R a i k a ' s g e n e a l o g i s t s , t h e R a o s , lived. T h e f o r m a l i t i e s

of

i n t r o d u c t i o n c o m p l e t e d , t h e R a o w a s r e a d y t o talk. ' S o , M a d a m , w h a t is y o u r business h e r e ? ' 'I w o u l d like t o k n o w a b o u t t h e R a b a r i . ' 'I k n o w n o t h i n g a b o u t t h e R a b a r i . T h e R a b a r i o f G o r w a r a n d Gujarat have their o w n genealogists. I a m R a o for t h e Raika.' 'I see. W e l l , t h e n , I w o u l d like t o k n o w a b o u t t h e R a i k a . ' ' W e , t h e R a o s , k n o w m a n y t h i n g s a b o u t t h e R a i k a w h i c h are secret a n d w e w i l l n o t tell y o u . B u t t h e r e are o t h e r t h i n g s I c a n e x p l a i n t o y o u if y o u w i l l c o m e w i t h m e . B u t first y o u m u s t t a k e tea.' W e d r a n k t h e i n e v i t a b l e tea, s u r r o u n d e d b y a sea o f smiles so freely g i v e n , so s w e e t e n e d w i t h c h a r m a n d r e f i n e m e n t , so c h a r g e d w i t h e x p r e s s i o n as t o m a k e s p e e c h a l m o s t r e d u n d a n t . It is difficult, w h e n y o u first e n c o u n t e r t h e s e smiles, n o t t o b e l i e v e t h a t t h e i r o w n e r s are n o t a h i g h e r f o r m o f h u m a n i t y . O f all t h e smiles i n t h e r o o m that of the R a o was the m o s t n u m i n o u s . W e were taken to a r o o m in another building w h i c h

soon

e n o u g h w a s p a c k e d t o t h e rafters w i t h p e o p l e . T h e R a o o p e n e d a n u n t i d y b o o k filled w i t h beautifully crafted H i n d i . ' W h e n t h e first R a i k a s w e r e c r e a t e d i n this w o r l d , so w a s m y family t o r e c o r d t h e i r h i s t o r y . T h e y are called R a i k a b e c a u s e t h e n a m e o f t h e first R a i k a ' s w i f e w a s R a i . S h e w a s a fairy. T h i s m a n and w o m a n had o n e son and twelve daughters. T h e

daughters

were married to Rajputs and from t h e m emerged the thirty-six official s u b - c a s t e s o f t h e R a i k a s . [In fact t h e r e w e r e h u n d r e d s . N o o n e k n e w h o w m a n y because a n e w sub-caste m i g h t b e f o r m e d 70

e a c h t i m e a s o n m o v e d away w i t h his family t o settle s o m e w h e r e n e w ] E a c h day I fill m y b o o k w i t h n e w i n f o r m a t i o n . It is m y j o b , as it was m y father's a n d grandfather's.' E v e r y five o r six y e a r s R a o j i a n d his f a t h e r travelled all o v e r India to record the births, deaths and marriages of their R a i k a clients. ( E a c h s u b - c a s t e h a d a separate b o o k w e i g h i n g a p p r o x i ­ m a t e l y t h i r t y kilos.) As p a y m e n t t h e R a i k a gave gifts o f a n i m a l s , c l o t h e s a n d m o n e y . R a o j i said t h a t t h e R a i k a called t h e m s e l v e s R a b a r i o u t o f b a d h a b i t . T h e y w e r e R a i k a o r Devassi. T h e caste w a s split i n t o t h r e e m a i n b r a n c h e s : t h e R a b a r i o f G o r w a r , t h e Devassi o r R a i k a a n d , l a t e r i n h i s t o r y (or f u r t h e r u p t h e t r u n k ) , t h e Rabari of Kutch. I k n e w t h a t m a n y o l d e r R a i k a s still r e f e r r e d t o t h e m s e l v e s as R a b a r i a n d t h e R a b a r i o f o t h e r states m i g h t use e i t h e r n a m e , t h o u g h R a b a r i was m o r e c o m m o n t h e f u r t h e r f r o m R a j a s t h a n t h e caste h a d s p r e a d ( a n d t h e l o n g e r its s e p a r a t i o n f r o m its o r i g i n i n J a i s a l m e r ) . B u t I h a d o n l y r e c e n t l y b e e n able t o d e t e r m i n e w h y . T h e r e w a s a n a t t e m p t b y t h e m o r e politically a s t u t e n u m b e r d a r s i n R a j a s t h a n t o f e d e r a t e t h e w h o l e caste u n d e r t h e n a m e R a i k a , i n t h e h o p e o f establishing e n o u g h p o w e r t o l o b b y g o v e r n m e n t s . T h e t e r m R a b a r i , t h e y felt, was less g l a m o r o u s t h a n R a i k a , e v e n derisive. A c c o r d i n g t o folklore t h e w o r d R a b a r i c a r r i e d c o n n o t a ­ t i o n s o f a n i n n o c e n t b l o c k h e a d , w h e r e a s R a i k a , as C h u t r a h a d so o f t e n p o i n t e d o u t , w a s a n h o n o r i f i c t o b e p r o u d o f — h e r o i c . It w a s true that Rabaris had never attempted to climb w i t h i n the H i n d u hierarchy b u t there was n o d o u b t that they w e r e p r o u d of their c o n n e c t i o n w i t h t h e h i g h - c a s t e R a j p u t s . T h o u g h I w a s n e v e r able t o find o u t exactly h o w m a n y R a i k a / R a b a r i t h e r e w e r e , t h e g e n ­ eral c o n s e n s u s was t h a t t h e r e w e r e a b o u t h a l f a m i l l i o n s p r e a d t h r o u g h o u t I n d i a . N o t a b a d p o w e r b a s e if it c o u l d b e u n i f i e d . ' D o y o u k n o w h o w c a m e l s first c a m e t o I n d i a ? ' ' N o , R a o j i . Please tell m e . ' ' P a b u j i p r o t e c t e d t h e h o n o u r o f cattle a n d w o m e n . H e h a d a n i e c e w h o was t o b e m a r r i e d . S h e w a n t e d s o m e c a m e l s as a w e d ­ d i n g p r e s e n t b u t t h e r e w e r e n o n e i n I n d i a . S o h e j o u r n e y e d t o Sri L a n k a , t h e h o m e o f c a m e l s at t h a t t i m e , d i s g u i s e d as a h e r m i t . H e stole s o m e a n i m a l s f r o m R a v a n a a n d w a s c h a s e d i n t o t h e sea. B u t h e s t r e w t h e w a t e r w i t h p e a c o c k feathers a n d t h e c a m e l s crossed 7i

o v e r t h e m like a b r i d g e . M e a n w h i l e t h e n i e c e ' s n e w relatives w e r e t e a s i n g h e r , saying, " O h , ah. B e t t e r p u t away o u r spindles o r t h e y ' l l b e k n o c k e d o v e r b y all t h o s e c a m e l s w h o are c o m i n g . " ' I a s k e d t h e R a o w h e t h e r , as S i n d h w a s i n P a k i s t a n , a n d as t h e w o r d m e a n s sea o r o v e r t h e sea, t h e s t o r y i n d i c a t e d t h a t t h e c a m e l s really c a m e f r o m t h e n o r t h . N o t at all, h e assured m e , t h e s t o r y h e t o l d w a s literally t r u e . W e h a d b e e n i n t h e r o o m for a n h o u r . R a j u h a d b e e n valiantly t r y i n g t o translate w h a t w a s said w i t h l i m i t e d success. It w a s t i m e t o g o . I l e a n t across t o h e r a n d asked w h e t h e r I s h o u l d p a y t h e R a o d i r e c t l y a n d if so h o w m u c h . S h e said p a y m e n t was n o t n e c e s s a r y b u t p e r h a p s a gift o f t w e n t y - o n e r u p e e s w o u l d b e a n i c e g e s t u r e . I d e c i d e d o n fifty-one. ( T h e e x t r a o n e r u p e e is for l u c k a n d p r o b a b l y d e r i v e s f r o m t h e a n c i e n t craft o f n u m e r o l o g y . ) T h e R a o ' s smile t o o k o n a p e c u l i a r t w i s t w h i c h I c o u l d

not

read. S o far, if I stayed w i t h a c o m m u n i t y , m y p o l i c y h a d b e e n t h a t a n y p a y m e n t o r gifts s h o u l d g o t o t h e w h o l e c o m m u n i t y o r t o t h e h e a d o f a family w h o h a d l o o k e d after m e o r t o t h e c h i l d r e n . I gave t h e m o n e y o p e n l y for all t o see. If I r e c e i v e d specialist i n f o r m a ­ t i o n t h e n I e n d e a v o u r e d t o p a y for t h a t w i t h i n a f r a m e w o r k

of

a c c e p t a b i l i t y , always v e e r i n g t o w a r d s t h e t o p o f t h e r a n g e b e c a u s e I k n e w this w a s e x p e c t e d o f a E u r o p e a n . It w a s e x t r e m e l y difficult for m e t o j u d g e this b e c a u s e w i t h o u t l a n g u a g e I often c o u l d n o t w o r k o u t w h o w e r e the principal leaders w i t h i n a kin g r o u p or i n d e e d w h i c h of the informants was t h e i m p o r t a n t o n e . W h e n Raju

was

with

me

I

relied

on

her

diplomacy

which

was

impeccable. W e w e n t t o t h e car a n d w a i t e d for B h a i r o n w h o w a s i n v o l v e d in an intense conversation w i t h the R a o . Eventually B h a i r o n c a m e to m y w i n d o w and whispered with embarrassment, ' H e wants t w o h u n d r e d r u p e e s . ' N o o n e said a w o r d . I h a n d e d o v e r t h e m o n e y . Q u i b b l i n g a b o u t it w o u l d m e a n a loss o f face for B h a i r o n a n d a d d e d i r r i t a t i o n for m e . R a o ji's e v o l v e d a n d g e n e r o u s s m i l e r e t u r n e d a n d h e b o w e d t o us d e e p l y as w e left. Koju's m o r a l o u t r a g e e x p r e s s e d itself i n a c l e n c h i n g j a w a n d a w h i t e - k n u c k l e g r i p o n t h e w h e e l b u t t h e r e was o n e salutary effect o f t h e e x c h a n g e : B h a i r o n k e p t q u i e t for at least fifteen m i n u t e s . 72

W e a r r i v e d i n B a a b a r a a n d w e n t straight t o s e v e n - f o o t Giga's h o u s e . It is a c u r i o u s t h i n g t h a t w h e n o n e c a n n o t c o m m u n i c a t e t h r o u g h l a n g u a g e o n e relies u p o n less d o m i n a n t , p e r h a p s p r e l i n g u a l capacities for j u d g i n g p e o p l e . It m a y b e s o m e

chemical

e x c h a n g e w h i c h scientists h a v e y e t t o d i s c o v e r t h a t e n c o u r a g e s i n s t a n t r a p p o r t , o r p e r h a p s i n this case it h a d t o d o w i t h g o l d n e c k l a c e s . W h a t e v e r t h e reasons, G i g a a n d I m e t e a c h o t h e r like l o n g - p a r t e d family. I l i k e d h i m for his size, his l a u g h , his g e n t l e ­ ness, his s e l f - c o n f i d e n c e . B u t m o s t o f all I l i k e d t h e w a y h e w a s w i t h his w i f e . W h e n I first m e t h e r she h a d b e e n h u r l i n g a b u s e at her daughters-in-law w h o t o o k n o notice whatsoever. T h e n , o n s e e i n g m e , she t r a n s f o r m e d f r o m W i t c h o f t h e W e s t t o W e n d y . She grabbed m e w i t h her rough hands, led m e through her house t o a d m i r e h e r b e a u t i f u l t h i n g s - shelves o f brass p o t s , j e w e l l e r y locked in boxes, a camel decoration m a d e of goat hair and cowrie shells - a n d all t h e w h i l e G i g a g r i n n e d at h e r , a d m i r e d h e r , liked her. O u r s t o c k t a k i n g over, she lit u p a b i r i w h i c h s h e i n h a l e d t h r o u g h o n e n o s t r i l . I a s k e d w h y she s h o u l d b e t h e o n l y w o m a n t o smoke. ' B e c a u s e she's a b a d m a a s h , ' G i g a said, l a u g h i n g . L a t e r K o j u t o l d m e it w a s b e c a u s e she h a d lost b o t h h e r sons d u r i n g m i g r a t i o n s . ' S o w h o w i l l c r i t i c i z e h e r for e n j o y i n g h e r c i g a r e t t e ? ' F r o m t h e n o n I d e c i d e d t h a t w h e n e v e r I s m o k e d , I w o u l d say t h a t I h a d lost t w o sons. G i g a c o u l d n o t u n d e r s t a n d m y desire t o m i g r a t e w i t h t h e m . ' W h y d o y o u w a n t t o d o this t h i n g a n d r i s k y o u r s e l f ? Y o u w i l l e n d u p l o o k i n g like us.' H e r i p p e d off his t u r b a n a n d t u g g e d at p r e m a t u r e l y g r e y hair. H e t h e n i n f o r m e d m e t h a t h e w o u l d n o t b e g o i n g o n m i g r a t i o n this y e a r b u t , if I w a i t e d u n t i l n e x t year, h e w o u l d c o m e w i t h m e as b o d y g u a r d a n d so w o u l d his wife. B h a i ­ r o n s e n t d a g g e r e d l o o k s a n d h u s t l e d us a l o n g t o t h e n u m b e r d a r ' s house. B h o p a l j i w a s as t h i n a n d w h i t e - h a i r e d as a g r a n n i e b u t his i n t e l l i g e n c e r a d i a t e d like b o d y h e a t . W e all sat i n t h e c o u r t y a r d at t h e front o f his w h i t e s t o n e h o u s e . I asked h i m h o w t h e m i g r a t i o n s were organized. T w o n u m b e r d a r s only w o u l d m e e t in Kota, a t o w n about a h u n d r e d m i l e s away, t o d e c i d e w h e r e all t h e t h o u s a n d s o f 73

flocks

f r o m this s e c t i o n o f R a j a s t h a n w o u l d g o . S c o u t s w o u l d b e s e n t o u t t o r e c o n n o i t r e g r a z i n g l a n d a n d t o set u p deals w i t h v a r i o u s village p a n c h a i t s (councils) for g r a z i n g r i g h t s . O n c e o n e g r o u p h a d a p ­ p r o a c h e d a p a n c h a i t a n o t h e r c o u l d n o t d o so. I n a v e r y s h o r t t i m e this i n f o r m a t i o n w o u l d s p r e a d b y w o r d o f m o u t h u n t i l e v e r y pas¬ toralist w o u l d k n o w his o w n r o u t e a n d t h e w h e r e a b o u t s o f e v e r y o t h e r d a n g . It is a l m o s t i m p o s s i b l e t o c o m p r e h e n d h o w this feat c a n b e c a r r i e d o u t so efficiently, w i t h o u t m i s t a k e s o r q u a r r e l s , w i t h o u t telephones, jeeps or letters. O n l y later did I c o m e understand

the

efficacy

o f t h e l a k r i o tar, t h e

to

walking-stick

telegraph. T h e n u m b e r d a r s w o u l d b u y a k i n d o f e n t r y visa f r o m

the

M a d h y a P r a d e s h g o v e r n m e n t a n d b y this m e t h o d t h e flock w a s r e g u l a t e d a n d c o n t r o l l e d , t h e n u m b e r s k n o w n . A t least t h e o r e t i c a l ­ ly. B u t , as t h e n u m b e r d a r said, e v e r y o n e c o n s i d e r e d this p a y m e n t a n u n j u s t b l e e d i n g o f p r e c a r i o u s i n c o m e a n d l i e d a b o u t t h e size o f t h e i r h e r d . I w a s b e g i n n i n g t o u n d e r s t a n d t h a t f r o m his p o i n t o f v i e w it c o u l d b e q u i t e useful t o h a v e s o m e o n e like m e a l o n g . I h a d c o n n e c t i o n s a n d m i g h t b e able t o grease t h e i r w a y t h r o u g h t i g h t places. O n e of their major c o n c e r n s was the slump in w o o l prices. W i t h the troubles in Russia and C h i n a m u c h of the w o o l trade h a d closed d o w n . Synthetics w e r e taking t h e place of w o o l . M e a t w a s sold t o A r a b i a b u t t h e r e w e r e p r o b l e m s . ' T h e s e days,' said a g n a r l e d a n c i e n t , w h o s e w h i t e b e a r d w a s r o l l e d i n t o t w o sausages a n d t u c k e d b e h i n d his ears, a n d w h o s e feet a t t e s t e d t o m a n y y e a r s plodding

through

the

wilderness,

'everything

depends

upon

marketing.' S o m e t i m e i n N o v e m b e r all t h e p e o p l e w h o h a d d e c i d e d t o m i g r a t e f r o m this village - w o m e n a n d c h i l d r e n i n c l u d e d - a n d all t h e s h e e p h e l d close by, w o u l d set o u t for K o t a w h e r e t h e y w o u l d j o i n u p w i t h t h e l a r g e r flocks. It w a s a g r e e d t h a t I w o u l d g o w i t h t h e m u n d e r t h e aegis o f B h o p a l j i w h o i m m e d i a t e l y u n d e r s t o o d p h o t o g r a p h i c r e q u i r e m e n t s . Yes, w e w o u l d pass t h r o u g h d e s e r t y areas. Yes, t h e p h o t o g r a p h e r a n d m y s e l f w o u l d b e w e l c o m e

to

come

on

to

Pushkar

with

his p e o p l e j u s t

before

they

left

migration. ' O n e more thing, Bhopal ji. W h e n I a m writing up my notes 74

p e r h a p s I c o u l d r e n t a j h u m p a ? ' I h a d fantasized a b o u t s e t t i n g u p m y t y p e w r i t e r i n o n e o f t h e s e little r o u n d h o u s e s , so s i m p l e a n d p l e a s i n g , like a c u b b y - h o u s e f r o m c h i l d h o o d , b u t t h e n u m b e r d a r snuffed o u t m y s e n t i m e n t a l i t y i m m e d i a t e l y . ' Y o u w a n t t o live i n a j h u m p a ? W h y ? T h e y w a s h away i n t h e floods a n d h a v e t o b e r e b u i l t e a c h year. T h e s e s t o n e h o u s e s , ' h e said, p o i n t i n g t o his o w n , 'are m o r e e x p e n s i v e t o b u i l d b u t less costly i n t h e l o n g r u n . E v e n t h e R a i k a m u s t c h a n g e w i t h t h e times.' H e s u g g e s t e d t h a t it w o u l d b e b e t t e r if I w e r e t o live at his h o u s e . H e w o u l d t e a c h m e all I n e e d e d t o k n o w a n d w o u l d l o o k after m e w h e n it w a s t i m e t o m i g r a t e . I n t h e m e a n t i m e t h e s h e a r i n g w a s a b o u t t o start a n d h e h a d t o r e t u r n t o t h e

dang

i m m e d i a t e l y , b u t I w a s t o m e e t h i m t h e r e t o finalize a r r a n g e m e n t s . I h a d b e e n t h r o u g h t h e a l p h a b e t o f failed p l a n s . N o w

every­

t h i n g was b e i n g h a n d e d t o m e g i f t - w r a p p e d . M y responsibilities t o t h e m a g a z i n e w o u l d b e fulfilled, a n e n d t o a n x i e t y . B u t I h a d m e t s o m e o t h e r p e o p l e involved w i t h these particular R a i k a a n d I c o u l d tell t h a t t h e r e w e r e p o w e r struggles g o i n g o n i n which I could be a pawn. I admired the numberdar immensely. B u t w h i l e I r e s p e c t e d h i m for b e i n g able t o m a n i p u l a t e t h e s y s t e m t o his p e o p l e ' s a d v a n t a g e a n d w i s h e d h i m l u c k , I d i d n o t w a n t t h a t manipulation to include m e . I said t o R a j u after t h e m e e t i n g , ' T h e n u m b e r d a r is a v e r y shrewd man.' T o w h i c h she r e p l i e d , ' W h o w o u l d r e s p e c t a fool?' I parted from Bhairon and Raju, proceeded w i t h Koju through g a t h e r i n g r a i n a n d p i c k e d u p D i l i p . T h e f o l l o w i n g day w e r e a c h e d t h e C h a m b a l R i v e r w h o s e banks w e r e o c c u p i e d by miles of fac­ t o r i e s a n d refineries spilling t h e i r m u c k i n t o t h e o m i n o u s l y r i s i n g w a t e r s . ' D e v e l o p m e n t ' i n R a j a s t h a n favours i n d u s t r y a n d l a r g e scale a g r i c u l t u r e a n d t h e r e f o r e is o f b e n e f i t m a i n l y t o p e o p l e i n t h e t o p s e c t i o n o f s o c i e t y — industrialists, t h e n e w m i d d l e class, r i c h l a n d o w n e r s . R u r a l villagers are usually p u s h e d aside o r d o w n i n t o d e e p e r poverty. T h r o u g h t h e interstices b e t w e e n t h e n e w world and the old m o v e the nomads,

finding

chinks and niches,

a d a p t i n g , s u r v i v i n g , u n t i l s u c h t i m e as t h e last p a t h w a y s close. W h e n w e reached Kota w e found o u t that o u r road had b e e n c u t off at B a r a n a n d t h e b r i d g e l e a d i n g t o t h e d a n g w a s c o v e r e d b y 75

t e n feet o f w a t e r . H a d D i l i p n o t b e e n w i t h m e I w o u l d b e sitting o n t h e b a n k s o f t h e P a r b a t i still, g a z i n g at t h e flood. H e

knew

e x a c t l y w h o m t o g o t o for h e l p , e x a c t l y w h a t t o say t o h i m a n d h o w t o say it. T h e S u p e r i n t e n d e n t o f P o l i c e , D r B h o p i n d e r S i n g h , o r g a n i z e d a j e e p a n d d r i v e r for us o n t h e o t h e r side. O u r transport was a heavy, w o o d plank U - b o a t , perilously leak­ i n g a n d f e r r i e d b y f o u r small g r u n t i n g m e n p u s h i n g t w o oars o n e a c h h i n d flank o f t h e b o a t . A t a n k e r h a d b e e n s w e p t o v e r t h e bridge just before w e arrived. M e n waved from the top. A c o w h u r t l e d past, h o r n s s h o w i n g a b o v e t h e t o r r e n t . It m a n a g e d

to

r e a c h t h e b a n k . A little later a d o g , w i t h less l u c k . O n t h e o t h e r side t h e o a r s m e n l e a p t o u t i n t o t h e m u d a n d h a u l e d us u p t o t h e jetty. W e d r o v e t o t h e h i g h e r g r o u n d o n w h i c h t h e flocks w e r e b e i n g h e l d . It was typical o v e r s t o c k e d s h e e p c o u n t r y — e a t e n t o t h e b o n e , trees b o n s a i e d b y c o n s t a n t n i b b l i n g . N e w s h o o t s c o v e r e d t h e r o c k s w i t h a fuzz o f c h e m i c a l g r e e n . R a i n c l o u d s t u m b l e d a r o u n d t h e sky, h e a v y a n d b a d - t e m p e r e d . Lifting a

finger

m a d e the

body

e r u p t i n sweat. T h e r e w e r e small d a n g s e v e r y w h e r e h e r e . A c o u p l e o f m o n t h s after t h e s h e a r i n g t h e y w o u l d m o v e t o a n o t h e r h o l d i n g ground

near

Guna, then

off t h e y w o u l d

go

again into

the

migration. T h e first l i n e o f d e f e n c e o n a d a n g is t h e d o g s . G i v e n t h a t d e a t h b y rabies was m o r e likely t h a n d e a t h b y d a c o i t s , I s t o o d p e t r i f i e d as t w e n t y m o n g r e l s stared at m y ankles o r t h r o a t w i t h t e e t h b a r e d , slaver flying. A s for t h e R a i k a , t h e y all l o o k e d as if t h e y ' d w a l k e d t o h e l l a n d b a c k . S k i n n y , t i r e d , d i r t y , harassed. A n d y e t , w h e n t h e y f o u n d o u t t h a t w e w e r e friends o f G i g a a n d t h e o t h e r s , t h e f r i e n d l i ­ ness a n d g e n e r o s i t y c a m e o u t like s u n b e h i n d c l o u d s . M o s t o f t h e w o m e n w e r e c a m p e d n e x t t o t h e i r c h a r p o i s , sitting i n t h e s u n , h u d d l e d o v e r fires, c o o k i n g for t h e m e n . I w a s a l m o s t at f a i n t i n g p o i n t w i t h t h e h e a t . Yes, t h e y a g r e e d , s m o k e a n d flames l i c k i n g at t h e i r faces as t h e y p u n c h e d t h e i r d o u g h , it w a s h o t . D o n ' t w o r r y a b o u t t h e d o g s , t h e y o n l y b i t e at n i g h t . H e r e , c o m e sit w i t h us. H a v e tea? C h a p a t i ? N o , y o u m u s t n o t h e l p us, y o u are o u r g u e s t . I did w h a t I could to help, w h i c h amused t h e m . A n d perhaps a g o o d l a u g h was t h e b e s t c o n t r i b u t i o n after all. T h e r e w a s r a t h e r less a t t e n t i o n p a i d t o t h e r e f i n e m e n t s 76

of

p u r d a h out here, perhaps because there wasn't m u c h to b e gained b y h a v i n g physically h a m p e r e d w o m e n

a r o u n d in a situation

w h e r e e v e r y o n e has t o p i t c h i n , e v e r y o n e m a y h a v e t o fight, e v e r y ­ o n e is p e r f o r m i n g at t h e v e r y l i m i t o f t h e i r physical a n d m e n t a l capacity. T h e c h i l d r e n w e r e h a r d l y c h i l d r e n , so c a p a b l e a n d sure o f t h e m ­ selves w e r e t h e y . T h e girls w e r e m i n i a t u r e w o m e n w i t h b a b i e s a l m o s t as b i g as t h e m s e l v e s t u c k e d o n a h i p . I h a d a m a g a z i n e w i t h m e , full o f b o r i n g p i c t u r e s o f b o r i n g p o l i t i c i a n s . T h e y c l u s t e r e d around and d e m a n d e d to k n o w w h o each o n e was. I m a d e u p s o m e v e r y s t r a n g e n a m e s w h i c h s e n t t h e m i n t o hysterics. T h e s e t o u g h little creatures h a d j u s t w a l k e d a t h o u s a n d k i l o m e t r e s o r so o n n o t h i n g b u t m i l k , chilli a n d flour. W h y d i d t h e y b e h a v e like live e l e c t r i c a l cables? W h y w e r e n ' t t h e y listless? T h e s h e e p w e r e all suffering f o o t - r o t after t h e rains. A

few

s h e p h e r d s w e r e i n j e c t i n g a n t i b i o t i c s t r a i g h t i n t o t h e sheep's h o o v e s b u t it l o o k e d t o m e like t h e s e skeletal w o o l b a g s d i d n o t s t a n d a c h a n c e . M a n y h a d b e e n lost t h r o u g h disease o r i n t h e floods o r t o thieves. D e s p i t e t h e fact t h a t it w a s i m p o s s i b l e t o sleep t h a t n i g h t

-

c o u g h i n g , bleating, gurgling, barking, snoring, sweating, slapping a n o p h e l e s e m o s q u i t o e s — I w a s , for t h e first t i m e , e x c i t e d b y w h a t I w a s d o i n g . W h a t e v e r t h e d i s c o m f o r t s o f d a n g life, h e r e o n e c o u l d breathe. H e r e w o u l d b e continuity, friendships. T h e w o m e n w e r e u p b e f o r e first l i g h t a n d called m e o v e r for tea. I w a s assured t h a t B h o p a l j i w o u l d b e a r r i v i n g t h a t day. I n t h e m e a n w h i l e there was shearing to watch. E a c h d a n g h a d hired shearers b e l o n g i n g t o a M u s l i m c o m m u n i t y , b u s s i n g t h e m f r o m n o r t h e r n Rajasthan d o w n here to the south-east. T h e r e

were

a b o u t t w e n t y shearers p e r d a n g , e a c h m a n s h e a r i n g fifty t o sixty s h e e p p e r day at a r u p e e p e r s h e e p . T h e shearers sat b e h i n d a t h o r n - b u s h w i n d b r e a k a n d c l i p p e d w i t h h a n d shears, v e r y q u i c k l y , n e v e r l e a v i n g so m u c h as a s c r a t c h a n d c o n s t a n t l y s h a r p e n i n g t h e i r t o o l s w i t h a l a r g e file. T h e w o o l was w e i g h e d o n a h u g e balance h a n g i n g from a branch, p u t into a pile, t h e n t r a n s f e r r e d t o t h e o n e - h u n d r e d - k i l o g r a m bale i n s i d e w h i c h a t u r b a n was b o b b i n g u p a n d d o w n — t h e w o o l - p r e s s e r . Y o u n g girls w e r e s t a c k i n g t h e w o o l o r g o i n g a b o u t like h e n s , 77

p i c k i n g u p a n y little bits left h a n g i n g o n s h r u b s . A n u m b e r o f sheep w e r e held by o n e shepherd n e x t to the shearers. W h e n they w e r e s h e a r e d , t h e y w e r e let o u t t o feed a n d a n o t h e r l o t b r o u g h t i n . After all t h e w o o l was s h e a r e d f r o m all t h e d a n g s , m e r c h a n t s w o u l d s e n d t r u c k s t o t a k e it t o factories i n B i k a n e r for d y e i n g . I asked w h y t h e R a i k a d i d n ' t shear t h e a n i m a l s t h e m s e l v e s . A s h e p h e r d r e p l i e d t h a t t h e y c o u l d n ' t afford t h e n u m b e r s o f m e n t o d o t h e w o r k ; t h e y w e r e all t o o b u s y h e r d i n g t h e s h e e p . A n o t h e r t o l d m e t h a t t h e w o r k w a s g u n d a (ritually u n c l e a n ) . ' A n d d o n ' t y o u w a s h t h e s h e e p b e f o r e s h e a r i n g t h e m , as I've s e e n it d o n e i n o t h e r places?' T h e s h e p h e r d l a u g h e d , p o i n t e d at t h e l o w e r i n g sky a n d said i n E n g l i s h , ' A u t o m a t i c ' After l u n c h a y o u n g m a n a r r i v e d t o say t h a t B h o p a l j i w a s fifty kilometres away o n a n o t h e r dang. 'We'll drive there then.' ' Y o u c a n ' t d r i v e t h e r e . T h e r o a d s are cut.' ' T h e n h o w d i d B h o p a l j i m a n a g e it?' T h e b o y s m i l e d at m e as h e m i g h t at a c h i l d a n d said, ' H e walked.' It w a s t h e e n d o f A u g u s t . I h a d a b o u t a m o n t h b e f o r e t h e B a a b a r a d a n g was t o leave. T h e fact t h a t I h a d n o t b e e n able t o m a k e c o n t a c t w i t h B h o p a l j i , a n d p r o b a b l y w o u l d n o t b e able t o d o so, m a d e m e a little a n x i o u s . I k n e w h o w readily p l a n s c o u l d slip t h r o u g h y o u r fingers if y o u d i d n ' t h a v e a s t r a n g l e h o l d o n t h e m . I w o u l d h a v e t o rely o n B h a i r o n . N a r e n d r a said, ' I n t h e m e a n w h i l e w h y d o n ' t y o u g o t o K u t c h ? I've h e a r d t h e R a b a r i t h e r e s w i m t h e i r c a m e l s i n t h e sea.' ' B u t K u t c h is o n t h e o t h e r side o f t h e w o r l d . ' ' O n l y a t h r e e - d a y d r i v e f r o m here.' (I h a d b e e n o n e n o u g h o f t h e s e o n l y - t h r e e - d a y drives t o k n o w t h a t y o u r e a c h e d t h e e n d o f t h e m m o r e d e a d t h a n alive.) ' W h a t language d o they speak?' ' G u j a r a t i , I s h o u l d t h i n k . O r a v e r s i o n o f it.' ' T h e n I ' m n o t g o i n g . U n l e s s I c a n find a t r a n s l a t o r a n d that's i m p o s s i b l e w i t h so little t i m e . ' ' N o t entirely. I s p e a k a little Gujarati.' O n c e , j u s t after I h a d m e t h i m all t h o s e y e a r s a g o , w h e n I w a s 78

still o v e r a w e d b y h i m , h e h a d b e e n s h o w i n g m e t h r o u g h his h o u s e a n d h a d p i c k e d u p , casually, a solid silver b o x as o l d as his n a m e a n d h a n d e d it t o m e . 'Please a c c e p t this small gift. F o r

your

b r a v e r y . ' T h e n h e h a d t u r n e d a n d g l i d e d away, l e a v i n g m e w i t h m y j a w h a n g i n g o p e n . N o w , w i t h exactly t h e same insouciance, a n d w i t h e x a c t l y t h e s a m e effect o n m e , h e d i s a p p e a r e d i n s i d e t h e jhumpa.

PART

T W O

Migration

7 A squiggle o f smoke, a figure in billowing robes, a camel and a b e d s i l h o u e t t e d t h e m s e l v e s against t h e h o r i z o n . T o t h e east a m o o n s q u e e z e d i n t o t h e sky; b e h i n d m e t h e s u n dissolved i n t h e A r a b i a n Sea. T h i s w a s w h e r e I w a n t e d t o b e . T h e s e w e r e t h e p e o p l e I w a n t e d t o live w i t h . T h e p r e v i o u s y e a r o f d o u b t a n d

confusion

lifted off m y b a c k like a n o u t g r o w n skin. It h a d t a k e n us t h r e e days t o r e a c h B h u j , t h e a n c i e n t capital o f K u t c h , in n o r t h e r n Gujarat. D r e a m b o a t a n d N a r e n d r a h a d d o n e m o s t o f t h e d r i v i n g w h i c h left m e free t o a p p r e c i a t e t h e l a n d s c a p e , a l a b y r i n t h o f d e s e r t a n d sea as b a r r e n a n d b e a u t i f u l as M a r s . T h e i n s t a n t w e crossed t h e state b o r d e r t h e r o a d s b e c a m e strips o f aerodrome perfection. G o n e were the death-trap potholes, g o n e t h e r i d g e s , b u m p s , t w o - f o o t - h i g h s h o u l d e r s , gravel p a t c h e s s u d ­ denly appearing on hairpin bends. G o n e the overloaded trucks l i t t e r i n g t h e sides o f t h e r o a d like d e a d c o c k r o a c h e s , t h e i r guts spilled, t h e i r w h e e l s p o i n t i n g s k y w a r d . W h y ? B e c a u s e i n G u j a r a t , u n l i k e R a j a s t h a n , t h e m o n e y for r o a d s d i d n o t g o d i r e c t l y i n t o s o m e o n e ' s p o c k e t . S o m e o f it w a s actually s p e n t o n b u i l d i n g r o a d s . In Gujarat

o n e c o u l d see w o m e n . U n v e i l e d w o m e n .

Women

r i d i n g s c o o t e r s ! A n d y o u c o u l d see forestry p l o t s b y t h e side o f t h e r o a d t h a t c o n t a i n e d real trees, r a t h e r t h a n p h a n t o m trees w h i c h , i n R a j a s t h a n , o n l y exist o n p a p e r . B u t b e s t o f all w a s h a v i n g N a r e n ­ d r a w i t h m e . N o t o n l y c o u l d h e translate l a n g u a g e s , h e t r a n s l a t e d w h a t was b u r i e d b e n e a t h t h e m — t h e gestures, c u l t u r a l f o r m s , s h a r e d social signals. B e s i d e s t h a t , h e w a s t h e least flappable c o m p a n ­ i o n I h a d e v e r travelled w i t h , t h e m o s t p a t i e n t , t h e m o s t g e n e r o u s . I h a d h a d i n m y possession o n e hastily s c r i b b l e d n a m e : D r Rama

Krishna,

Assistant-Director

Gujarat

Sheep

and

Wool

Development Programme, Bhuj. Experience had taught m e

to

p l a c e little h o p e i n s u c h n a m e s . B u t o n m e e t i n g this S o u t h I n d i a n a n d t h e s a i n t s - a m o n g - b u r e a u c r a t s w h o w o r k e d for h i m , I k n e w I h a d struck gold. D r R a m a K r i s h n a h a d i m m e d i a t e l y b r o u g h t us t o a s h e p h e r d w h o m h e p a r t i c u l a r l y liked, R a n g k a b h a i R a b a r i . It h a d t a k e n us a day t o find h i m , c a m p e d o n this w i n d s w e p t little p l a i n j u s t a m i l e o u t s i d e his village. H i s m o t h e r s p r e a d h e r best q u i l t o n t h e g r o u n d for us a n d b r o u g h t tea. 'I h a v e n o h o m e b u t t h e s e c a m p s , ' she said. 'I live u n d e r t h e sky, n o m a t t e r w h e t h e r t h e r e is r a i n o r s u n . T h e village is n o t o u r h o m e , t h e d a n g is o u r h o m e . T h a t is w h e r e o u r p r o p e r t y is.' R a n g k a assured m e t h a t t h e r e w o u l d b e several d a n g s l e a v i n g f r o m his village a n d s e t t i n g o u t for S a u r a s h t r a . H e w o u l d n o t b e g o i n g this y e a r b u t h e w o u l d talk t o his c o m m u n i t y o n m y behalf. His m o t h e r suggested that I w o u l d d o better to remain here in K u t c h , w a n d e r i n g t h e local area w i t h h e r . R a n g k a ' s w i f e Jasu l a u g h e d , d a z z l i n g t h e c o m p a n y w i t h h e r b e a u t y , w h i c h w a s n o t m e r e l y physical b u t a n e m a n a t i o n o f h e r w h o l e p o t e n t self. 'Yes, stay w i t h us h e r e . Y o u c a r r y t h e w a t e r a n d I shall c a r r y t h e flour. B u t b e w a r n e d , if y o u travel w i t h us y o u r s k i n w i l l b e c o m e as b l a c k as o u r s . E v e n y o u r h a i r w i l l g o black.' S h e t u g g e d at m y b l o n d e s t r a w t h e n t o o k m e t o see h e r ' e q u i p ­ m e n t ' stacked neatly o n the cot. T h i c k l y e m b r o i d e r e d blankets, a p p l i q u é d flour sacks, a m a r r i a g e s m o c k for a little b r o t h e r w h i c h w o u l d take years to complete, a blouse s t u d d e d w i t h fragments of m i c a i n t o w h i c h she t r i e d , unsuccessfully, t o s q u e e z e m y b u l k . T h i s w a s t h e finest e m b r o i d e r y I h a d s e e n a n y w h e r e a n d a e o n s o f w a n d e r i n g w e r e c o d e d i n its p a t t e r n s . R a n g k a w o u l d n o t b e m i g r a t i n g this y e a r b e c a u s e h e was o n his h o n e y m o o n . H e h a d w a i t e d for his w i f e for o v e r t w e n t y y e a r s , travelling b a c k a n d f o r t h t o his i n - l a w s ' h o u s e , b e g g i n g t h e m t o s e n d h e r t o h i m . H e a n d J a s u h a d b e e n t o g e t h e r for j u s t f o u r m o n t h s , so I c a n b e f o r g i v e n for s e e i n g h i m as a m a n u n d o n e b y love. S h e h a d c o s t h i m forty-five t h o u s a n d r u p e e s , m o s t o f it i n j e w e l l e r y , b u t b y t h e w a y h e l o o k e d at h e r f r o m u n d e r his b r o w s , c h e c k i n g w h e t h e r his w o r d s r e c e i v e d h e r a p p r o v a l , it w a s clear that h e t h o u g h t she was w o r t h that a n d m o r e . T h e y w e r e a h a n d 84

s o m e couple and y o u wished, w h e n y o u saw t h e m together, that the feudal tales o f d e s e r t r o m a n c e w e r e t r u e : t h a t J a s u a n d h e r h u s b a n d found deep pleasure in each o t h e r o u t there o n their b e d u n d e r the stars. B u t it's u n l i k e l y . F o r o n e t h i n g , t h e r e w a s always s o m e o n e else a r o u n d — his sisters, m o t h e r , v i s i t i n g c h i l d r e n , o t h e r s h e p h e r d s . F o r a n o t h e r , t h e r e w e r e n ' t t h e n e c e s s a r y h o u r s t o spare. A n d it w a s t h e w o m e n a n d c h i l d r e n w h o s h a r e d Jasu's b e d , n o t R a n g k a . T w o a n c i e n t s h e p h e r d s c a m e h o b b l i n g i n . T h e y w o r k e d for a local l a n d o w n e r for a y e a r l y set o f c l o t h e s , t h e i r t o b a c c o a n d

flour,

a n d a h u n d r e d and seventy rupees p e r m o n t h . W e teased t h e m by a s k i n g if t h e y w e r e m a r r i e d , t o w h i c h t h e y l a u g h e d g o o d - n a t u r e d l y and confessed that they w e r e n ' t wealthy e n o u g h even t o e n g a g e d . I d i d find m y s e l f w o n d e r i n g if t h e y e n j o y e d

get

carnal

k n o w l e d g e of their ewes b u t I f o u n d o u t later that t h o u g h t h e p r a c t i c e w a s n o t u n h e a r d of, it w a s c o n s i d e r e d i m m o r a l

and

p u n i s h e d a c c o r d i n g l y . S e x w a s n o t a r i g h t b u t o n e o f life's b o n u s e s . L i k e w e a l t h , y o u w e r e l u c k y if y o u h a d it b u t if y o u d i d n ' t , y o u g o t o n w i t h t h e task i n h a n d - s u r v i v i n g . It w a s n o t u n c o m m o n , I w a s t o l d , for a w o m a n t o b e i n h e r m i d t h i r t i e s b e f o r e h e r p a r e n t s finally r e l i n q u i s h e d h e r t o h e r h u s b a n d , usually at t h e b e h e s t o f t h e e l d e r s . T h e r e a s o n m a y w e l l b e e c o ­ n o m i c as a d a u g h t e r is a v a l u a b l e w o r k e r . B u t f r o m w h a t I w a s t o see later o n , t h e d e t a i n i n g o f d a u g h t e r s h a d as m u c h t o d o w i t h affection as it d i d w i t h f i n a n c e . O r , p e r h a p s i n a c o m m u n i t y like this, o n e ' s ability t o w o r k a n d c o n t r i b u t e is i n e x t r i c a b l y b o u n d u p w i t h t h e l o v e a n d r e s p e c t o n e receives. D r R a m a Krishna t h o u g h t that the R a b a r i w o m e n had a hard time being kept in their parents' h o m e s until they were 'old'. B u t I interpreted

the

phenomenon

differently.

Here

were

women

w h o s e v a l u e as h u m a n b e i n g s w a s reflected i n t h e h e a v y b r i d e price. T h e y o w n e d p r o p e r t y in their o w n right (receiving sheep f r o m t h e h u s b a n d ' s family at m a r r i a g e a n d i n h e r i t i n g t h e m o t h e r ' s j e w e l l e r y ) a n d a l t h o u g h t h e y d i d n o t sit i n p a n c h a i t s o r a t t e n d t h e m e n - o n l y s m o k i n g / y a r n i n g sessions, n o o n e d o u b t e d t h e ferocity of debate back h o m e . T h e y were not burdened with child-bearing d u r i n g t h e i r t e e n s . T h e i r w o r k w a s as v a l u e d as t h e m e n ' s . T h e y c o u l d s h o p a n d d o business i n villages a n d t o w n s w i t h o u t b e i n g c h a p e r o n e d a n d w i t h o u t c o v e r i n g t h e i r faces. I d o n o t m e a n t o say 85

t h a t i n d i v i d u a l w o m e n w e r e i n a n y sense c a p r i c i o u s r e g a r d i n g c o m m u n i t y law. O n l y t h a t t h e p o w e r b e t w e e n t h e sexes w a s b a l ­ a n c e d , so p r o d u c i n g a c o n f i d e n t sauciness i n t h e w o m e n a n d a h u m o r o u s appreciation in t h e m e n that w e r e delightful to b e h o l d . T h e R a j a s t h a n i R a i k a w o m e n I h a d m e t w e r e freer t h a n f e ­ m a l e s o f m a n y o t h e r castes b u t , e v e n so, I h a d b e e n s o m e w h a t t a k e n a b a c k b y t h o s e little p e e p - h o l e s t h e y m a d e i n t h e i r o r n i s a n d t h e w a y t h e y c o v e r e d t h e i r h e a d s a n d w e n t silent w h e n t h e i r m e n w e r e p r e s e n t — so u n l i k e t h e i r K u t c h i c o u s i n s . P e r h a p s this w a s d u e t o t h e i r links t o t h e h i g h e r caste R a j p u t s , w h o are s u c h s t i c k ­ lers for p u r d a h t h a t w o m e n m a y b e l o c k e d u p for t h e i r e n t i r e lives. It s e e m e d t o m e t h a t t h e R a j p u t i n f l u e n c e h a d o t h e r n e g a t i v e effects o n t h e R a i k a . W h i l e t h e R a b a r i o f K u t c h w e r e p a t r i c i a n i n t h e i r d e m e a n o u r — t h e servants o f n o o n e — t h e R a j a s t h a n i R a i k a b o a s t e d o f b e i n g servants t o k i n g s a n d w e r e q u i c k t o dissociate themselves from R a b a r i w h o were not. T h e s e w e r e t h e first p e o p l e w h o h a d w h o l e h e a r t e d l y s u p p o r t e d t h e i d e a o f m y travelling w i t h t h e m . W h e n w e r o s e t o b i d farewell, t h e m o o d w a s o n e o f e x c i t e m e n t , p l e a s u r e , satisfaction. N a r e n d r a t o o k o u t t w o h u n d r e d a n d o n e r u p e e s a n d gave t h e m , w i t h a certain

flourish,

to the youngest child w h o accepted the m o n e y

w i t h equal graciousness. ' H o w d o y o u d o it?' I said as w e g o t i n t o t h e car. 'Please, tell m e t h e rules.' ' T h e r e are n o r u l e s . It w a s a h a p p y m e e t i n g . T h e m o n e y w a s a w a y o f a c k n o w l e d g i n g t h a t . It is o n l y d o n e o n c e a n d t h e n o n l y if t h e feeling is g o o d . I gave it b e c a u s e t h e y i m p r e s s e d m e , b e c a u s e w e l i k e d e a c h o t h e r . Y o u d o n ' t h a v e t o feel n e r v o u s o f d o i n g t h e r i g h t t h i n g . J u s t d o as y o u feel. B e s p o n t a n e o u s . W h a t t h e y r e s p e c t is g e n u i n e n e s s . ' W e d r o v e t o A n j a r or, as it is o t h e r w i s e k n o w n , t h e Paris o f K u t c h . (There was a C o p e n h a g e n of K u t c h , a Jaisalmer o f K u t c h , e v e n a V e n i c e o f K u t c h . ) It d i d n o t l o o k at all like Paris b u t like a d u s t y little m e d i e v a l t o w n w i t h a P o r t u g u e s e i n f l u e n c e i n t h e a r c h i t e c t u r e . K u t c h is m o r e o r less c u t off from t h e rest o f t h e country

during the m o n s o o n

and Kutchis tend to be

faced,

p s y c h o l o g i c a l l y , t o t h e sea. T h e t h r i v i n g p o r t s , t h e h u g e ships w i t h f o r e i g n n a m e s , give t h e p e o p l e a n o u t w a r d - l o o k i n g c h a r a c t e r , 86

a c o s m o p o l i t a n i s m t h a t is n o t s h a r e d b y t h e i r l a n d - l o c k e d n e i g h ­ b o u r s . T h e r e w a s r o o m t o b r e a t h e h e r e . I d i d n o t g e t stared at q u i t e so m u c h . T h e p o p u l a t i o n w a s t h i n n e r t o o b e c a u s e K u t c h l a c k e d w a t e r a n d w i t h o u t it p e o p l e c a n n o t live. N a r e n d r a p r o v i d e d e v e r y o n e a r o u n d us w i t h a glass o f tea ( c o b ­ blers, c l o t h m e r c h a n t s , b e g g a r s , s h e p h e r d s et cetera) a n d w e sat o n w o o d e n planks outside a tiny shop m a d e o f beaten tin and card­ b o a r d - Anjar's v e r s i o n o f café s o c i e t y - t o w a t c h street life. It w a s t h e w e d d i n g season a n d t h e streets w e r e p a c k e d o r r a t h e r , I s h o u l d say, g a r l a n d e d w i t h R a b a r i g r o o m s , r a n g i n g i n age f r o m t w o t o twenty. T h e old m a n slurping n e x t to m e g r u m b l e d that h e was fed u p w i t h t h e w e d d i n g season b e c a u s e t h e y o u n g

shepherds

w e r e s h o w i n g off t h e i r f i n e r y i n s t e a d o f h e l p i n g h i m w i t h t h e sheep. H e g r u m b l e d b u t h e w a t c h e d m e watching the y o u n g m e n a n d s m i l e d w i t h satisfaction. B e a u t y is a p o o r s t a n d a r d b y w h i c h t o j u d g e h u m a n b e i n g s b u t h o w c o u l d p e o p l e w h o l o o k e d like t h a t n o t b e b e a u t i f u l i n s i d e as well? W h a t flair! W h a t sense o f c o l o u r a n d d e s i g n ! W h a t m a g n a n i ­ m o u s display o f self for t h e d e l i g h t o f o t h e r s ! First, t h e t u r b a n s . P u r p l e r e d g o l d b l a c k silk, t i e d so t h a t t h e y h a d a slightly t r i a n g u ­ lar s h a p e l e n d i n g t h e faces b e n e a t h a P h a r a o n i c cast. N e x t , a l o n g sleeved s m o c k m a d e o f t h i c k w h i t e c o t t o n drill, e m b r o i d e r e d i n m i n u t e stitches o f e v e r y c o l o u r — p u r p l e s a n d reds d o m i n a t i n g — e d g e d i n g o l d o r silver, t i g h t fitting u n t i l g a t h e r e d b e n e a t h t h e breast t o flare at n a r r o w h i p s ; t h e sleeves p u s h e d u p i n t o w r i n k l e s at t h e w r i s t . B e n e a t h t h e s m o c k s , w h i t e l a w n d h o t i s , o n e o f t h e o l d e s t f o r m s o f dress i n t h e w o r l d , w e r e t u c k e d i n t o p i n k - , r e d - a n d b l a c k - s t r i p e d n y l o n socks w h i c h d i s a p p e a r e d i n t o

high-heeled

l e a t h e r clogs d e c o r a t e d w i t h brass studs, t h e t o e s c u r l i n g b a c k ­ wards into Sindbad points. T h e y h u n g around together in groups like a d o l e s c e n t b o y s a n y w h e r e , shy a n d g i g g l i n g o n e m i n u t e , s w a g ­ gering the next. And, in a m o n g the riot of masculine

colour,

g r o u p s o f w o m e n i n b l a c k w o o l a n d silver, b l a c k o r n i s s w e l l i n g o u t like jib-sails, s t r o d e past w h i t e w a s h e d walls. H e r e , R a b a r i m a r r i a g e s all o c c u r r e d o n t h e s a m e day, t h e s e c o n d o f S e p t e m b e r . U s u a l l y , a u s p i c i o u s t i m e s for H i n d u w e d ­ d i n g s are a s c e r t a i n e d b y B r a h m i n priests w h o are p a i d t o c o n s u l t t h e stars. B u t t h e s e c o n d o f S e p t e m b e r is K r i s h n a ' s b i r t h d a y , so 87

h o w c o u l d it n o t b e auspicious? T h i s b e n d i n g o f t h e r u l e s w a s t y p i c a l o f R a b a r i thrift a n d g o o d sense. D r R a m a K r i s h n a a n d t h e o t h e r s h e l d n o illusions a b o u t t h e i n n o c e n c e o f t h e n o m a d s b u t t h e y felt d e e p a d m i r a t i o n for t h e m a n d w o r k e d u n c e a s i n g l y o n t h e i r behalf. B u i l d i n g u p t r u s t w i t h t h e i r clients a n d at t h e s a m e t i m e c h a l l e n g i n g c e r t a i n t r a d i t i o n s w h i c h w e r e n o l o n g e r useful t o t h e m (for e x a m p l e , c o n v i n c i n g t h e m t h a t t h e g o d d e s s w o u l d n o t p u n i s h t h e m if t h e y gave t h e i r s h e e p m e d i c i n e for p o x infections) w e r e n o easy tasks. T h a t t h e y h a d successes i n b o t h w a s a t r i b u t e t o t h e i r c o m m i t m e n t

and

vision. ' I f t h e y c a n r o o k y o u o f fifty r u p e e s t h e y ' l l feel h a p p i e r w i t h t h a t t h a n if y o u p a i d t h e m a h u n d r e d . B u t y o u c a n ' t b l a m e t h e m . T h e y b e h a v e t o o t h e r s as o t h e r s b e h a v e t o t h e m . E v e r y o n e tries t o exploit them.' A fieldworker, M a m u

b h a i , a R a b a r i himself, l a u g h e d

and

a d d e d , ' T h e r e is a G u j a r a t i saying a b o u t u s . W e w i l l ask y o u p o ­ litely t o lift y o u r f o o t so w e c a n p i c k u p a s t o n e . T h e n w e ' l l h i t y o u w i t h it.' T h e D o c t o r h a d t r i e d t o p r o t e c t his clients f r o m e x p l o i t a t i o n b y the merchants by adding some competition to the market and t h e r e b y stabilizing t h e p r i c e s . B u t t h e R a b a r i still p r e f e r r e d t h e m o r e t r a d i t i o n a l r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h t h e banias ( m e r c h a n t s ) , e v e n t h o u g h t h e y w e r e forever b e i n g r i p p e d off b y t h e m . A m e r c h a n t w o u l d fix a p r i c e w i t h a m u k k i (the K u t c h i w o r d for n u m b e r d a r ) for t h e w o o l o f all t h e s h e e p u n d e r his j u r i s d i c t i o n a n d t h e b a n i a w o u l d p a y for t h e s h e a r e r s . B u t b e c a u s e t h e w o o l was b o u g h t p e r s h e e p n o t p e r k i l o , t h e m e r c h a n t w o u l d w a i t a n e x t r a m o n t h b e f o r e s h e a r i n g so h e w o u l d g e t seven

months'

g r o w t h for t h e p r i c e o f six. I n t h a t e x t r a m o n t h t h e p o o r m u k k i w o u l d b e forever v i s i t i n g t h e m e r c h a n t t o p l e a d , t h u s a d d i n g t o his e x p e n s e s . O n t o p o f t h a t t h e b a n i a w o u l d n o t p a y straight away b u t w o u l d wait, sometimes m o n t h s , until the market price h a d fallen. T h u s w e r e t h e R a b a r i b e i n g ' f l e e c e d ' . H o w e v e r t h e banias o f t e n a c t e d as financial b a c k e r s for m i g r a t i n g s h e p h e r d s . If a n y ­ t h i n g w e n t w r o n g i n a d i s t a n t state — fights o r arrests - t h e m u k k i w o u l d s e n d a m e s s a g e t o t h e b a n i a w h o w o u l d c o m e t o s o r t it o u t . T h e m o n e y from the w o o l was n o t e n o u g h to keep the c o m m u 88

n i t y g o i n g if t h e r e w a s a n e m e r g e n c y ( i n c o m e f r o m w o o l has fallen o n e h u n d r e d p e r c e n t i n t h e last f o u r y e a r s . It is c o a r s e w o o l for c a r p e t s b e c a u s e t h e s h e e p w h i c h p r o d u c e t h e finer g a r m e n t w o o l can't survive t h e rigours o f migration), b u t they

could

b o r r o w from the m e r c h a n t w h o s e surety was the sheep. P e r h a p s t h e m o s t i m p o r t a n t r e a s o n for c o n t i n u i n g t o d e a l w i t h m e r c h a n t s r a t h e r t h a n g o v e r n m e n t a g e n c i e s is t h a t t h e f o r m e r d o not require banks or documents — a big incentive to people w h o resist a n y k i n d o f r e g u l a t i o n a n d w h o , if ever t h e y h a v e s u r p l u s cash, q u i c k l y b u y g o l d a n d b u r y it. T h e n e x t day w e w e r e t a k e n t o visit a R a b a r i c a m e l h e r d o u t i n t h o s e w i l d a n d lovely b u t d e n u d e d hills. M a m u b h a i said, i n r e ­ s p o n s e t o m y q u e r y , ' T h e r e are t w o a n i m a l s for e v e r y p e r s o n i n K u t c h and the land just can't support the n u m b e r s . W e tried to contract o u t a livestock-culling p r o g r a m m e w h i c h the

Rabari

w e r e i n f a v o u r of, b u t t h e Jains are v e r y r i c h a n d p o w e r f u l h e r e . K i l l i n g a n i m a l s is against t h e i r r e l i g i o n so, u n d e r political pressure, w e h a d t o c a n c e l t h e p r o g r a m m e . D u r i n g t h e b a d seasons t h e n u m b e r s d o fall off b u t as s o o n as a g o o d r a i n c o m e s , t h e c o u n t s h o o t s w a y u p again so t h e c o u n t r y is n e v e r rested.' T h e o w n e r o f this p a r t i c u l a r h e r d o f c a m e l s w a s

relatively

wealthy. This m e a n t that h e w o u l d n o t take t h e m o n m i g r a t i o n h i m s e l f b u t , h a v i n g r e c o n n o i t r e d a n area a h e a d b y b u s , h a d h a n d e d t h e a n i m a l s o v e r t o m e m b e r s o f a M u s l i m caste, t h e J u t s , t o w h o m h e p a i d six r u p e e s p e r c a m e l p e r m o n t h . T h e c a m e l s w o u l d leave K u t c h t h i n a n d c o m e b a c k fat. I n t h e m e a n t i m e h e w o u l d t a k e t h e s t r o n g e r , h e a l t h i e r c a m e l s o n small local m i g r a t i o n s . T h e t w o c o m m u n i t i e s , d e s p i t e t h e i r different

religions, h a d

h e l p e d e a c h o t h e r o u t a n d travelled t o g e t h e r as l o n g as a n y o n e c o u l d r e m e m b e r . T h e J u t s w e r e c o n s i d e r e d a little l o w e r o n t h e social p y r a m i d b u t a w e a l t h y J u t c o u l d j u s t as easily e m p l o y a p o o r R a b a r i as t h e o t h e r w a y a r o u n d . T h e R a b a r i p r e f e r r e d t o h i r e t h e J u t s r a t h e r t h a n m e m b e r s o f t h e i r o w n caste b e c a u s e if s o m e t h i n g w e n t w r o n g o n migration then the trouble remained outside the 'family' a n d w o u l d n o t s o w d i s c o r d w i t h i n t h e c o m m u n i t y . O u t of these herds o n e o r t w o female camels w o u l d b e d e d i ­ cated to the goddess - M a t a j i ki M e r i . T h e milk of those cows w o u l d n e v e r b e sold, o n l y g i v e n t o c h i l d r e n , a n d t h e

89

animals

t h e m s e l v e s n e v e r s o l d e v e n w h e n t h e y w e r e o l d a n d useless. T h e c a m e l s b e l o n g i n g t o t h e g o d d e s s w o u l d always b e k e p t w i t h t h e R a b a r i , n e v e r s e n t away w i t h t h e J u t s . B a c k in B h u j I collapsed in a h e a p in the P r i n c e H o t e l w h o s e a i r - c o n d i t i o n i n g , fine s e r v i c e a n d c h i c k e n t i k k a masala I w o u l d c o m e to depend u p o n in the m o n t h s ahead. B u t today the very t h o u g h t o f c h i c k e n t i k k a m a d e m e w a n t t o die. N a r e n d r a sat o n t h e side o f t h e b e d a n d f o r c e d m e t o d r i n k n i m b u s o d a w i t h sugar. I hated him. M y p o l i c y i n I n d i a h a d b e e n t o eat a n y t h i n g a n d t o

drink

w h a t e v e r w a t e r w a s available o n t h e a s s u m p t i o n t h a t s o o n e r o r l a t e r m y b o d y w o u l d l e a r n t o a c c o m m o d a t e t h e b u g s . A n d it w o r k e d . I h a d h a d o n l y t w o b o u t s o f illness, b o t h o f t h e m m i l d , a n d this w a s o n e o f t h e m . B e s i d e s , f r o m w h a t I c o u l d d i s c e r n o f w h a t lay b e h i n d v a r i o u s village walls, it w a s n ' t o n l y visitors w h o suffered i n t e s t i n a l t r o u b l e s . A n d if I n d i a n s c o u l d c o p e

without

d u b i o u s l y b o t t l e d w a t e r , so c o u l d I. I h a d h a d m y s h o t s o f g a m m a g l o b u l i n , rabies v a c c i n e a n d t e t a n u s , a n d s o m e t i m e s r e m e m b e r e d t o t a k e m y q u i n i n e . M o r e p r e c a u t i o n t h a n t h a t s e e m e d obsessive. D r R a m a K r i s h n a h a d b e e n h u n t i n g t h e w h o l e o f K u t c h for a c e r t a i n m u k k i , Pala b h a i , w h o m , h e felt sure, w o u l d b e t h e b e s t p e r s o n t o t a k e m e o n m i g r a t i o n . H e ' l i v e d ' i n R a n g k a ' s village b u t , as t h e D o c t o r p u t it ' T h e R a b a r i are n e v e r at h o m e . ' I k n e w m y friends i n t h e d e p a r t m e n t w e r e w o r k i n g v e r y h a r d o n m y b e h a l f a n d I also k n e w t h a t o n c e Pala b h a i w a s l o c a t e d a n d b r o u g h t t o t h e office I w o u l d h a v e t o b e t h e r e , as I m i g h t n e v e r g e t a n o t h e r chance to meet him. T h e p h o n e call c a m e t h r o u g h . I l e a p t off t h e b e d i n e x c i t e m e n t a n d f o u n d m y s e l f flat o n t h e floor. I m a d e it t o t h e j e e p b u t t h e e a r t h w a s s p i n n i n g off its axis. N a r e n d r a said I w a s t h e c o l o u r o f a b a n a n a . "We a r r i v e d at t h e office b u t I d e c i d e d I w o u l d lose m o r e face b y f a i n t i n g i n front o f t h e m t h a n b y staying away. I asked N a r e n d r a t o c o v e r for m e a n d I d r o v e b a c k t o t h e h o t e l . I m a d e it to

the bathroom

and struggled w i t h

my

trousers. M y

body

e r u p t e d — M o u n t St H e l e n s at o n e e n d a n d Vesuvius at t h e o t h e r . It w a s so v i o l e n t a n d so s u r p r i s i n g t h a t I d i d n ' t e v e n h a v e t i m e t o feel disgusted. I s p e n t t h e n e x t half h o u r c l e a n i n g m y s e l f a n d t h e b a t h r o o m , t h e n I h e a d e d b a c k t o t h e office. O h t h e E u r o p e a n 90

s t o m a c h , t h a t o r g a n o f s a b o t a g e , p r o o f o f racial i n f e r i o r i t y . A t all costs I m u s t c o n c e a l t h e i n a d e q u a c y o f m y s t o m a c h f r o m Pala. It w o u l d c o n f i r m his d o u b t s a b o u t m e . I e n t e r e d t h e D o c t o r ' s office. E v e r y o n e w a s w a i t i n g . N a r e n d r a said, ' D i d y o u r i n t e r n a t i o n a l call c o m e t h r o u g h ? ' ' N o , ' I said, i m p r o ­ v i s i n g e q u a l l y q u i c k l y , ' b u t I c a n c e l l e d it b e c a u s e I c o u l d n o t miss m e e t i n g Pala bhai.' E v e n if I h a d n o t r e c o g n i z e d h i m f r o m his b e a r i n g , t h e h u g e silver b r a c e l e t m a d e u p o f t h e E n g l i s h l e t t e r s o f his n a m e w o u l d h a v e g i v e n m e a c l u e . H e w o r e the traditional w h i t e turban and w h i t e e m b r o i d e r e d s m o c k , a n d c a r r i e d his w o o l s h a w l d r a p e d o v e r his a r m w i t h t h e air o f a m a n w h o has his c l o t h e s t a i l o r e d i n Savile R o w . H i s eyes shifted f r o m face t o face, r e a d i n g t h e m . I b e a m e d , b r o u g h t m y h a n d s t o g e t h e r i n a n a m a s t e a n d said, ' S o w h a t h a v e y o u all b e e n talking about?' T h e D o c t o r replied that they h a d n o t reached a d e c i s i o n b e c a u s e it w a s v e r y difficult. I said i n H i n d i , ' W h a t is t h e p r o b l e m ? ' W i t h o u t m i s s i n g a b e a t Pala a n s w e r e d , ' W h a t p r o b l e m s a r e n ' t t h e r e for us t r a v e l l i n g p e o p l e ? S h e p h e r d s a n d s h e e p killed o n t h e r o a d s . B h i l s (tribals) stealing o u r a n i m a l s ; b a n d i t s stealing o u r m o n e y . F i g h t s w i t h locals a n d p o l i c e . T h i r s t a n d h a r d s h i p a n d the closing of grazing lands. T o o m a n y deaths each year o n m i g r a ­ tion.' T h e r e w a s n o t a t r a c e o f w h i n i n g i n this s p e e c h . H e s p o k e as if t i c k i n g off a s h o p p i n g list. Naturally m o n e y was an incentive to having m e along, b u t w h a t if s o m e t h i n g h a p p e n e d t o m e . W o u l d h e a n d his p e o p l e b e h e l d responsible? H o w c o u l d h e t r u s t us w h e n w e said t h a t t h e y w o u l d not? W h a t guarantees were there? W h a t m i g h t the repercus­ sions b e o f this u n p r e c e d e n t e d state o f affairs? N o t j u s t a s t r a n g e r w i t h t h e m b u t a E u r o p e a n stranger. A female

E u r o p e a n stranger.

H e said, ' I f I m a k e t h e w r o n g d e c i s i o n m y face w i l l b e b l a c k w i t h m y people.' A n d so t h e b a r g a i n i n g a n d c o n v i n c i n g w e n t o n . E a c h

man

p r e s e n t p u t f o r w a r d his p o i n t o f v i e w a n d t h e r e w a s m u c h b a n t e r ­ i n g a n d l a u g h t e r . W h e n a n y o n e m a d e a g o o d j o k e o r said s o m e ­ t h i n g ' t r u e ' , Pala w o u l d rise t o s h a k e h a n d s w i t h t h a t p e r s o n — so g e n t l y , so gracefully. B u t I c o u l d sense his c o n f u s i o n . H e

must

b a s e his d e c i s i o n o n i n s t i n c t , m o n e t a r y c o n s i d e r a t i o n a n d t r u s t i n this r o o m f u l o f p e o p l e , n o n e o f w h o m w a s a s h e p h e r d . E v e r y n o w 9i

and t h e n h e w o u l d whisk the Doctor's colleague, Praveen Singh ji, i n t o a n o t h e r r o o m for a p r i v a t e c o n f e r e n c e . W h e n t h e y r e t u r n e d t h e discussion w o u l d c o n t i n u e , b a c k a n d f o r t h , a n d d u r i n g it I w o u l d feel Pala r e g a r d i n g m e , t r y i n g t o size m e u p . 'It's all v e r y w e l l w h a t y o u p e o p l e say,' said Pala, ' b u t I a m already m o r e w o r r i e d a b o u t h e r t h a n I a m a b o u t m y o w n sister.' B u t after t w o h o u r s , it w a s clear t h a t h e was c o m i n g r o u n d t o t h e idea. H e insisted t h a t I h a v e a m a n w i t h m e . I h a d n o t p a r t i c u l a r l y w a n t e d this b u t it w o u l d g i v e t h e m m o r e c o n f i d e n c e a n d t h e m a n w o u l d b e able t o t e a c h m e h o w t o d o t h i n g s w i t h o u t m y h a v i n g to pester the group. I p r a y e d for m y b o d y t o b e h a v e b u t e x h a u s t i o n w a s g e t t i n g t h e b e t t e r o f it. It g r a b b e d h o l d o f b o n e s a n d b e n t t h e m . It c o m p r e s s e d t h e b r a i n . N o t o n l y m u s t it b e e n d u r e d , it m u s t b e h i d d e n . A t last t h e p r i c e was fixed — t w o t h o u s a n d r u p e e s a m o n t h . I m u s t p r o ­ vide m y o w n food and b u y m y goat milk from t h e m . T h e y w o u l d p r o v i d e c a m e l , saddle a n d gear. N a r e n d r a p r o c l a i m e d , ' F r o m n o w o n Pala bhai's family is y o u r family,' a n d e v e r y o n e s t o o d u p a n d s h o o k h a n d s a n d o r d e r e d tea i n c e l e b r a t i o n . Pala asked for m y n a m e . W h e n I t o l d h i m h e f r o w n e d as if t o say, T h a t is n o t a n y kind of a n a m e , and a n n o u n c e d that from n o w o n I w o u l d b e called R a t t i b e n — sister o f b l o o d , o r passion. I h a n d e d o v e r a t h o u s a n d a n d o n e r u p e e s , a d o w n - p a y m e n t , a n d offered t o p a y his fare h o m e as w e h a d d e l a y e d h i m . M a m u b h a i R a b a r i insisted o n s h o w i n g Pala m y h o t e l r o o m w h i c h , a l t h o u g h I l o v e d it, c o u l d o n l y b e d e s c r i b e d as l u x u r i o u s w h e n c o m p a r e d w i t h t h e c o m p e t i t i o n . A b e d , a h o t w a t e r tap, a w i n d o w , an air-conditioning unit, a couple of bare light bulbs, a L a m i n e x coffee t a b l e a n d a V i n y l sofa. B u t t h e p o i n t n e e d e d t o b e m a d e t h a t if I w e r e w i l l i n g t o f o r e g o s u c h o p u l e n c e for t h e R a b a r i , I was obviously a serious sort of person. W e

all sat

a r o u n d , stiff, n e r v o u s a n d g i g g l i n g , w a i t i n g for t h e f o o d

which

Pala, h a v i n g n e v e r tasted s u c h t h i n g s b e f o r e , t h e n

could

not

finish. M a m u b h a i t e a s e d h i m saying, ' Y o u ' d b e t t e r finish y o u r icecream or you'll m a k e a bad impression.' Afterwards, in the b a t h r o o m , Pala b u r n t his h a n d s i n t h e h o t w a t e r . W e all l a u g h e d at h i m , t h e l a u g h t e r o f t h e s o p h i s t i c a t e d t o w a r d s t h e s i m p l e . H e said, ' W e l l , h o w w a s I t o k n o w ? It s t a r t e d o u t cold.' As t h e y all 92

filed o u t M a m u b h a i s u r r e p t i t i o u s l y r e m i n d e d h i m t o b i d

me

farewell. Pala w e n t t o s h a k e m y h a n d w h i l e I b r o u g h t m y h a n d s t o g e t h e r i n a n a m a s t e . T h e n I w e n t t o s h a k e his h a n d w h i l e h e n a m a s t e d . I d i d n o t k i d m y s e l f t h a t t h e first t w o w e e k s a l o n e w i t h t h e m was g o i n g to b e anything o t h e r t h a n a n i g h t m a r e of mutual awkwardness. T h e n e x t day N a r e n d r a h a d t o r e t u r n t o J o d h p u r . After saying m y goodbyes a n d t h a n k yous, I closed the d o o r of m y r o o m and c o n f r o n t e d e m p t y space. I w o u l d b e f o r t y - o n e i n five days' t i m e and n o o n e in the world k n e w w h e r e I w o u l d be. N o t even me. M a n y of m y birthdays and Christmases had b e e n spent in happy s o l i t u d e , so I w a s n ' t sure w h y I s h o u l d n o w feel . . . w e l l . . . sad. A n d w o u l d n ' t it h a v e b e e n n i c e if I c o u l d h a v e c e l e b r a t e d m y b i r t h d a y w i t h s o m e o n e like . . . say . . . N a r e n d r a . T h e m a r r i a g e c e r e m o n i e s w o u l d o c c u r t h e f o l l o w i n g day. I h a d forewarned Dilip, w h o was anxious to p h o t o g r a p h a child w e d ­ d i n g . H e w a s o n his w a y f r o m D e l h i . T h e D o c t o r h a d g o n e t o a g o o d deal o f t r o u b l e t o l o c a t e a village w h e r e s u c h c e r e m o n i e s w e r e taking place and to negotiate w i t h a certain m a n regarding t h e delicate m a t t e r of taking p h o t o s . It is n o t easy g e t t i n g f r o m D e l h i t o B h u j — a l o n g p l a n e j o u r n e y via B o m b a y — t h e n f r o m B h u j t o a village, c a r r y i n g all y o u r c a m e r a g e a r a n d s q u e e z i n g it, a l o n g w i t h h a l f a d o z e n p e o p l e , i n t o a single j e e p , especially w h e n b a c k i n D e l h i y o u h a v e a w i f e a n d a n e w b o r n b a b y w i t h w h o m y o u w o u l d prefer t o b e . At

village

Varshameda

we

were

greeted

politely

but

not

w a r m l y . W o r d h a d spread that child marriages w e r e to b e p h o t o ­ g r a p h e d a n d this h a d c a u s e d s o m e r u c t i o n s w i t h i n t h e c o m m u n i ­ ty. M i g h t w e n o t s h o w t h e s e p h o t o g r a p h s t o t h e g o v e r n m e n t a n d land t h e p e o p l e in trouble? T h e w o m e n regarded m e sourly. O u r c o n t a c t , N a k a b h a i , w a s d o i n g his b e s t t o h e l p us b u t e v e n h e was h a v i n g a difficult t i m e w i t h his relatives. H e said, ' M o s t o f t h e R a b a r i are i n n o c e n t b u t I've lived a r o u n d t h e p o r t s a n d I a m m o r e k n o w l e d g e a b l e . It is h a r d t o c h a n g e t h e m . ' N a k a w a s a w a r e o f t h e difficult f u t u r e facing his caste. H e h a d sold all his s h e e p

and

b o u g h t a truck, and was trying to convince others that

they

s h o u l d f o l l o w suit. S l o w l y a k n o t o f m e n f o r m e d a r o u n d u s , anxious that w e should hear their problems. 93

An

old

retired

herd sheep. W h a t

mukki

began,

'Our

children

will

else c a n t h e y d o ? T h e y are n o t

always

educated.

A n d h o w c a n w e a b a n d o n o u r w a y o f life, it is all t h a t w e k n o w ? ' A y o u n g m a n t o o k u p t h e t h e m e . ' T h e r e is n o f u t u r e for us R a b a r i . T h e g o v e r n m e n t tells us w e d e s t r o y t h e forests b u t t h e y said t h e y ' d r e p l a n t t h o s e forestry

areas t w e n t y y e a r s a g o a n d

t h e y ' v e d o n e n o t h i n g , so w h y c a n ' t w e g r a z e o u r s h e e p t h e r e ? A n d w h y d o t h e y p l a n t a t r e e t h a t is useless for e v e r y t h i n g e x c e p t c o o k i n g fires? T h e t h o r n s g e t s t u c k i n t h e sheep's m o u t h s d u r i n g t h e d r o u g h t w h e n t h e y eat t h e m i n d e s p e r a t i o n . ' H o p i n g , p e r ­ h a p s , t h a t his w o r d s w o u l d travel f u r t h e r t h a n V a r s h a m e d a , p e r ­ h a p s e v e n as far as t h e R a j S a b h a itself, h e d e c l a i m e d , ' I f t h e g o v e r n m e n t d o e s n ' t h e l p u s , w e ' l l g o t o Pakistan.' T h e discussion b e c a m e m o r e heated, the old m e n , confused

b y t h e politics,

g i v i n g w a y t o t h e y o u n g h o t b l o o d s . Finally, t h e a n g e r e x h a u s t e d itself. To lighten t h e a t m o s p h e r e I addressed t h e old m e n . 'So w h e n are y o u g o i n g t o m a k e this y o u n g m a n a l e a d e r ? ' To w h i c h s o m e o n e replied, ' H o w can w e m a k e h i m a m u k k i , yaar? H e m i g h t l a n d us all i n Pakistan.' A n d e v e r y o n e fell a b o u t laughing. W e w a i t e d several h o u r s for t h e c e r e m o n i e s t o b e g i n . A t last N a k a c a m e t o us full o f a p o l o g y a n d said, ' T h e y h a v e d e c i d e d t h a t y o u c a n n o t p h o t o g r a p h . ' D i l i p w e n t off like a c r a c k e r b u t it w a s n o g o o d . T h e d e c i s i o n h a d b e e n m a d e . It w a s final. I w o r r i e d for D i l i p . A s h e said ' y o u are o n l y as g o o d as y o u r last p h o t o g r a p h ' a n d h e felt h e w a s n ' t g e t t i n g t h e m a t e r i a l h e n e e d e d . T h e R a b a r i w e r e n o t m a k i n g it easy for h i m . B u t w h a t m o r e c o u l d I d o ? D u r i n g t h e l o n g p e r i o d s o f w a i t i n g , events w o u l d h a p p e n w i t h o u t w a r n i n g , l e a v i n g n o t i m e t o call h i m f r o m D e l h i . O r , as o n this o c c a s i o n , I w o u l d s u m m o n h i m a n d n o t h i n g w o u l d h a p p e n . M y responsibility b u t t o n was b e i n g hit w i t h t h e force o f a j a c k h a m m e r . V e r y w e l l t h e n , o n e t h i n g I c o u l d p r o m i s e h i m — p i c t u r e s o f c a m e l s s w i m m i n g i n t h e sea a n d o f t h e last t r a d i t i o n a l l y b u i l t R a b a r i village i n K u t c h . B u t n o t j u s t y e t . I h a d b e e n t o l d t h e p e o p l e o f t h a t village w e r e suspicious

of outsiders. Therefore

I would

g o t o live

m y s e l f for a c o u p l e o f w e e k s u n d e r t h e auspices o f D r 94

there Rama

K r i s h n a , so t h a t t h e i n h a b i t a n t s w o u l d g e t t o k n o w m e to

understand

prepare

them

photographer.

what for

was

the

being

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asked

more

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them.

dramatic

I

arrival

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a

8 B h o p a v a n d ( t h e p l a c e o f priests o r m e d i u m s ) c o n s i s t e d o f five h u n d r e d o r so r o u n d , b e i g e h o u s e s d e c o r a t e d w i t h

whitewash.

T h e roofs w e r e p o i n t e d c o n e s o f g r e y straw, so t h a t f r o m a d i s t a n c e t h e village l o o k e d like a t i g h t c l u s t e r o f n a r r o w t o a d s t o o l s . It h a d a defensive a p p e a r a n c e b u t o n c e y o u e n t e r e d it, it o p e n e d t o reveal its life. O n e h u t b l e n d e d i n t o a n o t h e r , l i n k e d b y t e r r a c e s a n d p l a t ­ forms. E m e r g i n g from and disappearing into the houses were m e n in w h i t e a n d w o m e n i n b l a c k . T h e little oval d o o r s a n d w i n d o w s s h o w e d t h a t slight l o p s i d e d n e s s w h i c h is so p l e a s i n g t o t h e eye: e v e r y t h i n g h e r e h a d b e e n m a d e b y h a n d f r o m e a r t h , w o o d , straw, dung, stone. B u t b e h i n d e a c h stark e x t e r i o r lay fantasy a n d fairy tale — r o u n d w h i t e palaces c o n t a i n i n g M o r e s q u e c u p b o a r d s m o u l d e d o f m u d plaster, inlaid w i t h m i r r o r s , glass p a i n t i n g s a n d b a u b l e s , o l d l i g h t b u l b s set i n r o w s . W h i t e quilts b o r d e r e d i n r e d o r b l u e lay stacked against walls, brass p o t s s h o n e i n a g l o o m f r a c t u r e d b y p a t t e r n s of light from o n e or t w o w i n d o w s . H e r e and there pale blue or p i n k w a s h f r a m e d recesses w h e r e t h e deities lived. T h e village sat o n a s h o r e l i n e as if it h a d r e a c h e d t h e e n d o f s o m e ­ t h i n g a n d c o u l d g o n o further. A n e n i g m a t i c l a n d s c a p e s t r e t c h e d b e y o n d — s a n d y islands a n d tidal flats across w h i c h t h e sea c a m e c r e e p i n g so fast a n d so t h i n l y t h a t w a t c h i n g it s e n t tingles u p t h e back of t h e neck. T h e w a t e r was light b r o w n a n d o p a q u e . A mile or t w o away a l i n e o f froth d e l i n e a t e d t h e b e a c h a n d a l o n g it I m p r e s ­ sionistic strokes s u g g e s t e d stick a n d hessian shelters. A c a m e l cart c r e a k e d its w a y across t h e flats, d e l i v e r i n g d r u m s o f w a t e r t o t h e M u s l i m f i s h e r m e n c a m p e d t h e r e . T h e l a n d seascape h a d a n a b a n ­ d o n e d q u a l i t y a n d a largeness t h a t m a d e t h e h e a r t swell o u t t o fill it. 96

B h o p a v a n d h a d p e r c h e d o n t h e e d g e o f this sea for several c e n t u r i e s a n d v e r y s o o n it w i l l h a v e dissolved i n t o t h e past for ever, w h i c h m a y g o s o m e w a y t o e x p l a i n i n g t h e p r i c k l i n e s s o f its i n h a b i t a n t s . T h e y are c a m e l b r e e d e r s a n d w e r e o n c e

quite

w e l l off. T h e i r d e i t y , G o d d e s s V a n k u l M a t a j i , r i d e s o n a c a m e l a n d specifically b e q u e a t h e d t h e a n i m a l t o t h e m . A l t h o u g h t h e r e is little p r o f i t n o w t o b e m a d e f r o m t h e i r h e r d s , t h e y

cannot

a b a n d o n a w a y o f life w h i c h has s u s t a i n e d t h e m s i n c e b e g i n n i n g s , w h i c h is i n t r i n s i c t o t h e i r i d e n t i t y . T h e y

their cannot

betray Mata ji. I n e v e r d i d g e t t o t h e b o t t o m o f R a b a r i r e l i g i o u s beliefs b u t I d i d k n o w t h a t for all t h e f o l k l o r i c j o k e s c o n c e r n i n g t h e i r c e r e ­ m o n i a l i g n o r a n c e , d e s p i t e t h e v a r i a t i o n s i n local beliefs a n d p r a c ­ tices, a n d e v e n t h o u g h t h e e t y m o l o g y o f R a b a r i c a n b e i n t e r p r e t e d as ' o n e o u t s i d e t h e c o n v e n t i o n s ' , it w a s , n e v e r t h e l e s s , a caste f a m o u s for p r o d u c i n g ascetics. W h y this s h o u l d b e so, I d o n o t k n o w b u t I s u s p e c t t h a t if y o u h a v e lived y o u r life a l o n e w i t h t h e h e r d s y o u d e v e l o p a p r o p e n s i t y for s p e c u l a t i n g u p o n , a n d t a l k i n g to, G o d . O u t o n t h e d a n g t h e r e m a y b e little access t o r i t u a l a p p a r a t u s — t e m p l e s , specialists a n d i n t e r m e d i a r i e s - b u t this d o e s n o t m e a n t h a t t h e faith o f travelling p e o p l e is less p o t e n t . T h e g o d s are always p r e s e n t a n d R a b a r i a t t a c h m e n t t o t h e m is s t r o n g , e v e n t h o u g h , d u r i n g m i g r a t i o n , t h e d i a l o g u e w i t h t h o s e deities is necessarily internal. T h i s c o m m u n i t y w a s u n u s u a l i n t h e sense t h a t t h e p r i n c i p a l d e i t y w a s w o r s h i p p e d e x t e r n a l l y , a n d collectively, a n d s u r r o u n d i n g that w o r s h i p was a c o m p l e x ritual apparatus. Besides t h e camel, M a t a j i h a d b e s t o w e d a singular spiritual s u p e r i o r i t y o n h e r p e o p l e so t h a t all t h e m e n o f t h e village i n h e r i t e d t h e title o f b h o p a . S h e d e m a n d e d strict r i t u a l p e r f o r m a n c e s f r o m t h e m , a p r o p e r p l a c e t o live, sacrificial o b j e c t s a n d so o n . O n e c o u l d say p e r h a p s t h a t t h e R a b a r i o f B h o p a v a n d w e r e uncharacteristically o r t h o d o x . T h e i r M a t a ji s e e m e d a rather unfor­ giving version of the goddess, forbidding her worshippers to build i n a n y t h i n g b u t t r a d i t i o n a l m a t e r i a l s , f o r b i d d i n g e v e n t h e use o f k e r o s e n e let a l o n e e l e c t r i c i t y . B u t lately she h a d b e e n l o o s e n i n g u p a little, feeling, possibly, t h a t it w a s b e t t e r t o b e n d t o m o d e r n w o r l d t h a n b e e n t i r e l y s h a t t e r e d b y it. 97

the

I a r r i v e d o n t h e day B h o p a v a n d w a s c e l e b r a t i n g t h e o p e n i n g o f its first c e m e n t t e m p l e , w h i c h sat a m i d s t t h e d u n h o u s e s like a n Italian w e d d i n g c a k e . T h e w a y M a t a j i h a d g i v e n p e r m i s s i o n for this r u p t u r e o f t r a d i t i o n was as follows. H e r b h o p a s t i e d a g o a t b y t h e front o f t h e o l d t e m p l e , a t o a d s t o o l h o u s e like t h e o t h e r s . T h e n they stroked the goat u p and d o w n , themselves going in to trance a n d a s k i n g M a t a j i if t h e y c o u l d b u i l d i n m o r t a r a n d b r i c k . If t h e g o a t s h i v e r e d ( a n d it w o u l d b e a n insensitive g o a t w h o d i d n o t ) , t h e a n s w e r w a s y e s . I n a n y case if t h e g o a t refused t o

comply

another w o u l d b e substituted. A r o u n d t h e t e m p l e b a n n e r s a n d b u n t i n g w e r e flying, a n d v i s i ­ t o r s f r o m m i l e s a r o u n d w e r e m i l l i n g a b o u t t h e stalls o r b e i n g fed u n d e r a n e n o r m o u s o p e n - s i d e d t e n t . B e a u t i f u l l y dressed R a b a r i m e n d i s h e d o u t t h e f o o d o n thalis: dal, h a r d n o o d l e s , s o m e sticky s w e e t stuff — all t o p p e d w i t h a liberal h e l p i n g o f salty dust. A f t e r ­ wards, near the water truck w h i c h had b e e n donated by

the

g o v e r n m e n t for this day — t h e village w e l l b e i n g s u c h a l o n g w a y off — m e n w e r e d o i n g t h e w a s h i n g u p . B e h i n d t h e m w a s t h e o p e n - a i r k i t c h e n : g i a n t s ' c a u l d r o n s m a d e o f r i v e t t e d i r o n , b u b b l i n g o v e r fire pits. I w o n d e r e d h o w t h e y m a n a g e d t o afford s u c h a h u g e p a r t y . T h e D o c t o r t o l d m e t h e first m a n t o o p e n t h e d o o r o f t h e i n n e r s a n c t u m o f t h e t e m p l e h a d p a i d n i n e t h o u s a n d six h u n d r e d r u p e e s for t h e p r i v i l e g e . A n o t h e r p a i d five t h o u s a n d r u p e e s for t y i n g t h e flag o n t o p . N o w t h a t M a t a j i h a d g i v e n t h e O K , progress i n t h e f o r m o f electricity, p u m p e d water, b r e e z e - b l o c k h o u s i n g and, eventually, t e l e v i s i o n w i l l r e i n v e n t B h o p a v a n d . W h e t h e r this is u l t i m a t e l y a g o o d o r a b a d t h i n g , w h o c a n say? B u t o n e c a n c e r t a i n l y say t h a t it is t h e u n i q u e b e i n g d e v o u r e d b y t h e h o m o g e n e o u s , a p r o c e s s c h a r a c t e r i s t i c o f o u r age a n d , t o m e , a c a u s e for grief. D r R a m a K r i s h n a w a i t e d w i t h m e all m o r n i n g a n d i n t r o d u c e d m e t o t h e p e r s o n w h o w o u l d b e m y ' c o n t a c t ' , a n e w field officer w h o s e j o b it w o u l d b e t o e x p l a i n t o t h e p e o p l e o f B h o p a v a n d w h y I w a s t h e r e . A f t e r t h e y left K o j u a n d I set u p a t e n t a q u a r t e r o f a m i l e f r o m t h e village. O n l y later d i d w e discover t h a t w e h a d c a m p e d n e a r t h e a n i m a l graveyard, w h e r e t h e d o g s c a m e at n i g h t to scavenge and to h o w l until d a w n . In the afternoon w e w e n t to the burial g r o u n d to watch a 98

c e r e m o n y . ( T h e R a b a r i h e r e b u r y t h e i r d e a d j u s t as M u s l i m s do.) O n o n e side w e r e t h e w o m e n like a n o i s y c o n g r e g a t i o n o f r o o k s . O n t h e o t h e r w e r e t h e m e n . C o l o u r e d flags flapped i n a h e a v y sea w i n d . D r u m s b e a t o u t a p u l s e . T o w a r d s t h e front, s o m e o f t h e m e n h a d g o n e i n t o t r a n c e , w a i t i n g for t h e g o d d e s s t o possess t h e m . T h e y w o u l d shake, t h e n s u d d e n l y leap u p a n d d a n c e ,

flagellating

t h e m s e l v e s w i t h t h i c k l e a t h e r r o p e s b u t o n l y for a f e w s e c o n d s , after w h i c h a n o t h e r m a n w o u l d g e n t l y e m b r a c e t h e d a n c e r f r o m b e h i n d a n d t a k e away t h e r o p e so t h a t n o real d a m a g e w a s d o n e . O n e c o u l d n o t h e l p b u t b e a little e n v i o u s o f s u c h i n t i m a c y w i t h G o d . I h a d asked t h e o l d e r m e n a n d w o m e n if I m i g h t t a k e s o m e p h o t o g r a p h s t o w h i c h t h e y readily a g r e e d . (I l o a t h e t a k i n g p h o t o s i n s u c h s i t u a t i o n s b u t as D i l i p w a s n o t t h e r e I felt it w a s m y d u t y . ) B u t w h e n t h e t i m e c a m e a m a n s c r e a m e d at m e t o g o away. I slunk backwards into the crowd, ashamed and upset. A n o t h e r R a b a r i f r o m a distant village c o u l d s p e a k a little E n g l i s h . H e said, ' T h e s e are j u n g l y , j u n g l y p e o p l e . A w i l d t r i b e . T h e y always m a k e mischiefs.' O n m y first t e n t a t i v e foray i n t o B h o p a v a n d a l o n e I was m e t b y t h e c h i l d r e n — a g a n g o f o v e r - e x c i t a b l e little fiends w h o s p o k e at s c r e a m i n g p i t c h . I s u b m i t t e d t o t h e i r teasing. S e r u w a s l e a d e r o f the pack. In another culture h e w o u l d b e b r a n d e d hyperactive. O r p e r h a p s a p r o d i g y . W h e n t h e s h r i e k s o f his g a n g b e c a m e t o o m u c h , h e lifted his h a n d a n d his face t o o k o n a f u r i o u s l o o k . T h e laughter died instantly a n d e v e r y o n e waited in expectation. H e p u l l e d m e close t o h i m a n d b e g a n p l a y i n g a r h y t h m o n his face. F i n g e r s d r u m m e d o n his p u f f e d - o u t c h e e k s , his t o n g u e c l i c k e d i n s y n c o p a t i o n , eyes b u l g e d . I w a s m a d e t o c o p y . It t o o k g r e a t d e x t e r ­ ity b u t t h o s e y e a r s at t h e p i a n o c a m e i n for s o m e use after all. Hysterics from t h e monsters. Y o u n g w o m e n c a m e a n d j o i n e d in, e v e r y o n e p o p p i n g fingers o n c h e e k s a n d c l i c k i n g t o n g u e s . I n o ­ t i c e d t h a t t h e w o m e n a n d c h i l d r e n w e r e n e v e r still. It w a s as if t h e y w e r e electrified. Yet t h e y w e r e c o v e r e d i n c a r b u n c l e s a n d boils. N o d o u b t t h e y h a d b e e n w o r k i n g since t h e y c o u l d w a l k a n d h i g h e n e r g y o u t p u t w a s a h a b i t . T h e y asked m e w h e r e m y h u s ­ b a n d was by twirling an imaginary moustache, l o o k i n g question¬ i n g l y at m e a n d slicing t h e h a n d sideways, as if t o say w h e r e ? O r w h a t ? T h e n t h e y i n d i c a t e d m y c a m p . I realized t h a t t h e y t h o u g h t I 99

w a s m a r r i e d t o K o j u , o r if n o t m a r r i e d t o h i m , t h e n d o i n g t h i n g s with the handsome young Rajput

of a morally

questionable

n a t u r e . O l d e r w o m e n c a m e b y b u t t h e y stared at m e s o u r l y . O r w a s I j u s t i m a g i n i n g that? W h e n I w e n t b a c k t o c a m p , I passed a n old lady rebuilding t h e platform o f h e r h o u s e - m u d , d u n g a n d water, s m o o t h e d and plastered by h a n d . She c a m e to s h o w m e t h o s e h a n d s . T h e y w e r e r a w a n d s u p p u r a t i n g . S h e a s k e d for m e d i ­ c i n e , so I t o o k h e r t o m y t e n t for a n t i b i o t i c d u s t i n g p o w d e r a n d from t h e n o n d o c t o r e d h e r e v e r y day. Officially M a t a j i c o u l d c u r e anything b u t perhaps western m e d i c i n e h u r r i e d h e r along? I w a i t e d a f e w days, n o t k n o w i n g w h a t t o m a k e o f t h e c o n f l i c t ­ i n g signals. S o m e p e o p l e w a n t e d m e t o visit t h e m a n d w e r e v e r y friendly. O t h e r s cast flick-knife l o o k s . T h e r e w e r e , as always, t h e p e r f e c t m a n n e r s b u t u n d e r n e a t h t h e m lay a q u e e r k i n d o f t e n s i o n . T h e w h o l e village was t u r n e d i n w a r d . I i n v i t e d s o m e o f t h e ladies t o m y c a m p for tea b u t n o o n e c a m e . Life c a n g e t p r e t t y d i s m a l sitting b e s i d e a t e n t o n a flat surface t h a t stretches b r o w n l y f r o m h o r i z o n t o h o r i z o n , i n

no-degree

h e a t , t h i n k i n g a b o u t w h a t n o r m a l p e o p l e d o o n t h e i r forty-first b i r t h d a y s . S o K o j u a n d I d e c i d e d t o w a l k across t h e m u d t o visit the M u s l i m fishermen o n the beach. F r o m t h e m w e w o u l d try to h i r e a b o a t b y w h i c h t o cross t h e c h a n n e l , a n d o n t h e o t h e r side h u n t for t h e c a m e l h e r d s w h i c h , w e w e r e t o l d , w o u l d s o o n b e s w i m m i n g that channel o n their way h o m e . T h e fisherfolk lived for six m o n t h s o f t h e y e a r i n t h e i r h o m e village fifty k i l o m e t r e s away. T h e rest o f t h e t i m e t h e y lived h e r e , u n d e r t h e s e flimsy shelters, b y t h e s h a d e o f a s t u n t e d a n d halfn a k e d tree. T h e m e n stayed o u t all day o n t h e i r h e a v y w o o d e n b o a t s , n e t t i n g fish o r c a t c h i n g small l o b s t e r s w h i c h t h e y sold t o A m e r i c a for b i g m o n e y . H a l f a d o z e n w o m e n a n d a b o u t a d o z e n c h i l d r e n r e m a i n e d b e h i n d o n t h e b e a c h , salting a n d d r y i n g t h e fish o n s t i n k i n g racks, t h e n p a c k i n g it i n crates t o b e s e n t t o B o m b a y . T h e r e was n o fresh w a t e r for b a t h i n g ( e a c h d e l i v e r e d d r u m cost t e n r u p e e s ) , n o v e g e t a b l e s — o n l y w h a t t h e sea p r o v i d e d a n d t h e m i l k from a c o u p l e o f g o a t s . A s for t h e b o a t s , G o d k n o w s h o w t h e y w e r e n ' t all lost at sea. T h e c h a n n e l was a c a l m s t r e t c h o f m a y b e five h u n d r e d y a r d s ' w i d t h b u t w h e n w e c a m e t o l a n d o n t h e o t h e r side, t h e r e w a s a slight sea c h o p . T h e b o a t 100

heaved

wildly; Koju clung to the mast looking most unnautical. Getting out, w e sank u p to o u r crotches in m u d . F r o m there w e walked across several k i l o m e t r e s o f s q u e l c h , s e a r c h i n g t h e

surrounding

m i r a g e for a n y d r o m e d a r i a n s h a p e s . K o j u w a l k e d a f e w h u n d r e d yards a h e a d , his s h a p e b e c o m i n g t h i n n e r a n d t h i n n e r u n t i l it m e l t e d i n t o light. W h e n w e returned, the fisherwomen had gathered e n o u g h cour­ a g e t o ask us t o tea. H o w different t h e y w e r e f r o m t h e i r R a b a r i n e i g h b o u r s . T h e r e was a gaiety i n t h e m , a n o u t w a r d n e s s , t h a t b e l i e d t h e adversity o f t h e i r lives. T h e b o y s d u g u p s o m e crabs for m e . I gave a y o u n g girl s e v e n t y - o n e r u p e e s . After t h a t I visited t h e m a l m o s t e v e r y day, n o t for t h e crabs so m u c h as for t h e i r company. O n t h e fifth day K o j u d r o v e off t o r e p l e n i s h o u r w a t e r s u p p l y at a w e l l several k i l o m e t r e s away. It w a s early m o r n i n g . T h e salt p a n s t r e t c h e d away t o c l o u d s o n 150 d e g r e e s o f t h e c o m p a s s ; t h e r e m a i n ­ i n g a n g l e c o n t a i n e d a l i n e o f p a l m trees a n d t h e c l u s t e r e d c o n e s o f t h e village. A figure i n f l u t t e r i n g b l a c k e m e r g e d , t h e n v a n i s h e d . T i n y birds r a n t h r o u g h t h e m a r s h grasses; t h e e a r t h was h o l d i n g its breath between the exhalation of a land breeze and the inhalation o f a sea b r e e z e . G r a d u a l l y t h e day's m i r a g e s w e r e f o r m i n g , m a k i n g it s e e m as if t h e o v e n l i k e t e n t w a s s u r r o u n d e d b y c o o l w a t e r . A h e r d o f g o a t s a p p e a r e d a n d crossed t h e flats, h e a d i n g for little islands o f salty grass, c r e a t i n g a n o p t i c a l illusion i n t h e h e a t s h i m ­ m e r . T h e t h o u s a n d s o f legs l o o k e d like t h e legs o f o n e c r e a t u r e — a monstrous millipede - followed by a lone goatherd. T h e r e w a s a n o i s e f r o m t h e village. I t u r n e d a r o u n d t o see t w o h u n d r e d w o m e n h e a d i n g t o w a r d s m e . I rose t o g r e e t t h e m , w o n d e r ­ i n g h o w I w o u l d p r o v i d e tea for s u c h a m u l t i t u d e . All w e n t w e l l at first. B u t s o o n t h e e x c i t e m e n t g r e w i n t o s o m e t h i n g u n p l e a s a n t . T h e c h i l d r e n w h i p p e d u p a k i n d o f h y s t e r i a a n d it g r e w

and

spread t h r o u g h the w o m e n . T h e y began g o i n g t h r o u g h m y things, g r a b b i n g at t h e m , a n d w h e n I t r i e d t o s t o p t h e m I realized t h a t a n y a c t i o n o n m y p a r t w o u l d o n l y i n c r e a s e t h e frenzy. I s t o o d i n front

o f t h e t e n t , a r m s f o l d e d a n d stared r e s o l u t e l y at t h e h o r i z o n .

I w a s n ' t f r i g h t e n e d , n o t exactly, b u t it was d e e p l y

unsettling

t o b e c o n f r o n t e d w i t h c r o w d h y s t e r i a i n t h e face o f w h i c h I w a s entirely powerless. T h e old lady w h o s e infected h a n d I h a d b e e n 101

d o c t o r i n g t r i e d t o c a l m t h i n g s d o w n b u t w i t h o u t effect. A t last the j e e p appeared in a w h o r l of dust and the w o m e n and children fled, s c r e a m i n g , i n s i d e t h e m u t e walls o f t h e village. D e a r K o j u . H e t o o k o n e l o o k at m e a n d k n e w j u s t w h a t t o d o . H e fixed t h e r a d i o a n d t u r n e d o n t h e E n g l i s h n e w s , m a d e tea, said h e ' d t h r o w r e d chilli p o w d e r i n t o t h e i r faces if t h e y c a m e again, said, ' B y n i g h t d o g s , b y day children.' H e said t h a t h e had

never liked

these people

but, shrugging

philosophically,

a d d e d , ' D u s a r e d e s h , d u s a r e l o o g ' (different c o u n t r i e s , different p e o p l e ) . I a c c e p t e d t h e tea w i t h s h a k i n g h a n d s a n d s o o n w e w e r e laughing. T h e n e x t m o r n i n g I d e c i d e d t o g o b a c k i n t o t h e village o n t h e falling-off-a-horse/getting-back-on principle. Besides, I h a d p r o m ­ ised t o t a k e m e d i c i n e t o t h e o l d l a d y . T h e c h i l d r e n w e r e w a i t i n g for m e , a h u n d r e d o r m o r e , a n d this t i m e t h e y g r a b b e d at m y clothes a n d bag, p i n c h e d m e a n d chanted, ' B o o p i n !

Boopin!'

( w h i c h w a s h o w t h e y u n d e r s t o o d m y n a m e ) . Chills u p a n d d o w n m y b a c k — this w a s t h e p a c k h u n t i n g a n d m y t e r r o r o f it w a s atavistic a n d p r o f o u n d . I p r e t e n d e d u n c o n c e r n a n d s l o w l y m a d e m y way towards some huts w h e r e previously I had b e e n w e l ­ c o m e d . A s t h e p e b b l e s s t a r t e d flying, a w o m a n p u l l e d m e inside. I w a i t e d t h e r e w i t h c h i l d r e n a n d w o m e n p u s h i n g a n d s h o v i n g at t h e e n t r a n c e , b l o c k i n g t h e air so t h a t t h o s e o f us i n s i d e c o u l d b a r e l y b r e a t h e . B u t t h e lovely p e r s o n w h o saved m e d i d n o t lose h e r equanimity. Q u i e t l y she talked to t h e m , explaining w h o I was, w h y I had c o m e a n d that I was n o t an e n e m y . T h e n s o m e old w o m e n p l a c e d t h e m s e l v e s at t h e front o f t h e m o b , a l t e r n a t e l y c a l m i n g t h e c h i l d r e n a n d h a l f - h e a r t e d l y chastising t h e m . M y p r o t e c ­ t o r s a p o l o g i z e d abjectly b u t it was clear t h a t staying a n y l o n g e r at B h o p a v a n d w a s n e i t h e r profitable n o r w i s e . O n l y later d i d I f i n d o u t c o n j e c t u r e w a s rife t h a t I w a s a g o v e r n m e n t spy. T o t h o s e w h o h a v e a r o m a n t i c v i e w o f travel o r w h o , l o n g i n g for t h e l i b e r t y t h e y i m a g i n e it b r i n g s , w i s h t h a t t h e y , t o o , c o u l d t h r o w off o l d j o b s , o l d h u s b a n d s , o l d responsibilities a n d h e a d for w i l d e r climes w h e r e , t h e y feel sure, b o t h life a n d t h e m s e l v e s w i l l b e e n t i r e l y different — t h a t is t o say, b e t t e r ; w h o d o n o t u n d e r s t a n d t h a t o n e carries t h e self like a h e a v y o l d suitcase w h e r e v e r o n e g o e s ; w h o t h i n k o f travel n o t as a l i n e o f i n q u i r y , a satisfaction o f 102

c u r i o s i t y o r as a m e t h o d b y w h i c h t o b e t t e r u n d e r s t a n d t h e w o r l d b u t as a n escape f r o m b a n a l i t y , I h a v e this t o say. W h e n y o u are so tired, frustrated a n d filthy t h a t y o u w o u l d like t o c r y b u t c a n n o t b e c a u s e p e o p l e are w a t c h i n g y o u ; w h e n y o u r p e r i o d has c o m e a n d y o u are i n p a i n b u t y o u m u s t n o t display it; w h e n y o u d o n o t k n o w w h a t is g o i n g o n b e c a u s e y o u

cannot

u n d e r s t a n d t h e l a n g u a g e b u t y o u sense t h e a t m o s p h e r e is n o t r i g h t ; w h e n y o u are o p e r a t i n g o n t w e n t y levels at o n c e a n d n o t s u r e if y o u are c o r r e c t i n a n y o f t h e m ; w h e n y o u h a v e e n t e r e d a p l a c e w h e r e t h e p e o p l e are s u s p i c i o u s o f y o u , o r f r i g h t e n e d

of

y o u , o r h a t e y o u b e c a u s e y o u r e p r e s e n t s o m e t h i n g evil t o t h e m ; w h e n y o u cannot make your intentions understood; w h e n there are c h i l d r e n , h u n d r e d s o f t h e m , p r e s s i n g u p against y o u , s h o u t i n g , p u l l i n g at y o u r h a i r a n d c l o t h e s , o r p e l t i n g y o u w i t h r o c k s ; w h e n y o u are so fed u p w i t h h u m a n n e s s t h a t y o u w o u l d like t o s h o o t e v e r y o n e y o u see, i n c l u d i n g y o u r self; w h e n t h e village d o g s r a c e t o w a r d s y o u h o w l i n g a n d slavering; a n d w h e n , finally, y o u m a k e it b a c k t o t h e t e n t t o h a v e a c u p o f tea, t h e o n l y l u x u r y y o u have, y o u find t h a t t h e m i l k has t u r n e d t o y o g u r t ; w h e n t h e r e is n o o n e w i t h w h o m t o h a v e a sensible c o n v e r s a t i o n , n o r is t h e r e likely t o b e a n y o n e for m o n t h s ; w h e n y o u realize h o w v e r y far away f r o m y o u are t h e places a n d p e o p l e y o u u n d e r s t a n d a n d w h o u n d e r ­ s t a n d y o u ; w h e n y o u r C e l t i c skin, w h i c h b l u s h e s e v e n u n d e r a w e a k n o r t h e r n s u n , has b e e n b a k e d i n t o p o t t e r y b y s u n a n d salt so that y o u have to stop yourself t h i n k i n g of the cancers

which

surely m u s t b e f o r m i n g , let a l o n e t h e y e a r s y o u are a d d i n g t o y o u r face; w h e n t h e little beasts t h a t h a v e t a k e n u p r e s i d e n c e i n y o u r s t o m a c h d o u b l e y o u u p i n a c r a m p so t h a t y o u h a v e t o r u n b e h i n d a d u n e e v e n t h o u g h t h e r e are p e o p l e e v e r y w h e r e w a t c h i n g ; a n d w h e n y o u h a v e so lost t o u c h w i t h w h y y o u are d o i n g w h a t y o u are d o i n g t h a t it s e e m s y o u are t r a p p e d i n a m a c h i n e o f m e a n i n g ¬ lessness i n w h i c h m o r a l values are m a s h e d t o a p u l p a n d y e t , b e c a u s e o f a n o v e r d e v e l o p e d sense o f r e s p o n s i b i l i t y (or p e r h a p s a lack of courage), y o u c a n n o t liberate yourself b y cancelling an article for a m a g a z i n e ; w h e n y o u h a v e p l u m b e d t h e v e r y d e p t h s o f b a n a l i t y , t h e n , y o u b e g i n t o w o n d e r if it is w o r t h it. If what is w o r t h it, exactly? M o m e n t s . Y o u m i g h t b e w a l k i n g a l o n g a b e a c h w h e r e t h e r e are 103

n o f o o t p r i n t s . T h e r e is a little girl, a f i s h e r m a n ' s d a u g h t e r , h o l d i n g y o u r h a n d . Y o u see s o m e shapes i n t h e d i s t a n c e a l o n g t h e r i m o f t h e sea a n d y o u t h i n k y o u r e c o g n i z e t h o s e shapes f r o m p i c t u r e s y o u h a v e s e e n . Y o u t a k e i n a b r e a t h , j u s t l o u d e n o u g h for t h e girl t o l o o k at y o u q u e s t i o n i n g l y , a n d y o u p o i n t t o t h e m a n d she n o d s a n d y o u w a l k t o g e t h e r i n t o t h e b r i g h t n e s s . A n d t h e r e , for t h e first t i m e i n y o u r life, y o u see t h e m . B u t t h e y are n o t p i n k , y o u say, a n d h u r r y t o w a r d s t h e m . T h e i r s t r i d e , t o o , q u i c k e n s — l o n g h i n g e d legs elongated in t h e mirage. Y o u reach to w i t h i n ten yards o f t h e m b e f o r e t h e y float off t h e sand, i n s e c t legs slowly p a c i n g , s l o w l y lifting t h e m u p i n a b l a z e o f flamingo r e d . It's n o t t h e s a m e as s e e i n g t h e m i n a z o o . O r , y o u m i g h t b e walking t h r o u g h m u d to the hips a n d y o u are l a u g h i n g at y o u r f r i e n d K o j u w h o has n e v e r s e e n t h e sea a n d w h o p o s e s for a p h o t o g r a p h w i t h a shell o n his h e a d . A n d t h e n y o u sit o n t h e s a n d floor o f a t e n t w i t h t h e f i s h e r m e n w h o stuff y o u w i t h as m a n y h o t fresh crabs as y o u c a n eat, p l u s t i n y c u r r i e d fish, tea a n d fellowship, a n d y o u eat five crabs b e f o r e s h e e r e m b a r ­ r a s s m e n t at y o u r g l u t t o n y forces y o u t o s t o p . A n d t h e l a d y o f t h e h o u s e h u g s y o u a n d l a u g h s , a n d takes y o u t o t h e sea t o w a s h y o u r face. It's n o t t h e s a m e as e a t i n g at t h e local r e s t a u r a n t . O r , y o u h a v e b e e n w a l k i n g t h r o u g h a w i l d e r n e s s o f sand. T h e silence a n d t h e r h y t h m o f t h e w a l k i n g h a v e s e n t y o u i n t o a r e v e r i e i n w h i c h y o u s e e m b e h i n d yourself, w a t c h i n g y o u r s e l f w a t c h i n g reality. T h e w r i n k l i n g a c t i o n o f w a t e r o n s a n d b r i n g s a t h o u g h t t o t h e surface w h i c h e c h o e s t h e p a t t e r n itself. W h a t is t h e

force

driving m a t t e r i n t o ever m o r e complicated, ever m o r e i m p r o b a b l e f o r m s ? W h y d o e s it d o this, a n d w h y are y o u h e r e t o o b s e r v e it? W h a t y o u see is so a s t o n i s h i n g t h a t y o u are grateful s i m p l y t o h a v e life, t o h a v e senses w i t h w h i c h t o w i t n e s s t h e e v e n t , e v e n t h o u g h the seeing hearing smelling t o u c h i n g w o n d e r i n g must end nothing-at-all. T h e n another t h o u g h t washes u p t h r o u g h

in that

t h o u g h t a n d y o u r e c o g n i z e t h e Tightness o f it, o f y o u r s e l f b e i n g o n e o f a n infinite series o f f o r m s c o a l e s c i n g o u t o f m a t t e r , r e t u r n ­ i n g t o it, so t h a t b e f o r e a n d after lose t h e i r m e a n i n g a n d t h e i r t e r r o r , a n d t h e s o u l is a l l o w e d , for t h e t i m e it takes for a s p a r k l e t o flash o n t h e sea, t o feel c o n n e c t e d t o e v e r y t h i n g t h a t e v e r w a s o r 104

e v e r w i l l b e . S o m e t h i n g solid f o r m s i n y o u a g a i n a n d h o l d s y o u s t r o n g l y t o life. I r e t i r e d t o Bhuj's P r i n c e H o t e l t o lick m y w o u n d s . I h a d t w o days t o d o so a n d w h a t b e t t e r w a y t o pass t h e m t h a n t o stay i n b e d watching

videos, reading, sleeping

and

eating

chicken

tikka

masala? T h r o u g h t h e gullies o f B h u j I w e n t s e a r c h i n g for t h e v i d e o s h o p . I f o u n d it a n d t o o k o u t six v i d e o s . B u t b a c k i n t h e h o t e l r o o m I f o u n d t h a t e v e r y o n e o f t h e m w a s so d a m a g e d t h a t o n l y a scratchy g r e y surface c a m e u p o n t h e s c r e e n , across w h i c h h u m a n - s h a p e d ghosts s o m e t i m e s strayed. T h e s o u n d w a s s o m e ­ t h i n g like a p o n d full o f c r o a k i n g t o a d s . B a c k I w e n t t o r e q u e s t a refund or videos that contained videos. ' B u t y o u h a v e already t a k e n t h e m o u t , M a d a m . ' 'Yes, I know I h a v e t a k e n t h e m o u t b u t I a m r e t u r n i n g t h e m b e ­ cause t h e y are u n w a t c h a b l e , a n d I w o u l d like y o u t o give m e b a c k m y m o n e y please, b e c a u s e I p a i d t h e m o n e y t o w a t c h v i d e o s t h a t had s o m e t h i n g o n t h e m , n o t videos that had n o t h i n g o n them.' T h e m a n b e h i n d t h e c o u n t e r l o o k e d as if h e m i g h t b r e a k d o w n u n d e r the weight of sorrow I had just placed u p o n him. H e pulled o u t t h e p i e c e o f p a p e r u p o n w h i c h earlier I h a d s i g n e d m y n a m e . W o u l d M a d a m care t o r e g a r d t h e p i e c e o f p a p e r a n d realize t h a t t h e r e was n o t h i n g h e c o u l d d o ? It is m y s t e r i o u s t o m e n o w , w h e n s u c h i n c i d e n t s f o r m e d t h e fabric o f e v e r y d a y life, w h y o n e i n c i ­ d e n t r a t h e r t h a n a n o t h e r s h o u l d l i g h t t h e fuse o f t h a t startling anger. 'It is t r u e t h a t t h e v i d e o s are e m p t y b u t y o u see, M a d a m , t h a t is n o t m y j o b . I a m n o t the owner.' ' T h e n please m a y I s p e a k t o t h e o w n e r . ' 'Yes, b u t h e is n o t here.' ' W h e r e is h e ? ' ' H e lives i n B o m b a y , M a d a m . ' I d i d n o t care a b o u t t h e m o n e y ; I c a r e d a b o u t l o g i c . I felt m y c h i n t r e m b l e s t u p i d l y . I raised m y v o i c e . H i s features

acquired

t h a t impassiveness w h i c h is i m p e r v i o u s t o p l e a o r rage. H e h a d gone

away i n s i d e . I left, d e f e a t e d , a n d

through

the

window

w a t c h e d h i m r e p l a c e t h e v i d e o s o n t h e shelf r e a d y for t h e n e x t customer. 105

F o r t i f i e d w i t h s o m e friends f r o m D r R a m a K r i s h n a ' s d e p a r t ­ m e n t I r e t u r n e d t o t h e village, a p o l o g i z e d for a n y

misunder­

s t a n d i n g a n d o n c e a g a i n e x p l a i n e d m y p o s i t i o n . N o w , it s e e m e d , I was the m o s t popular p e r s o n in B h o p a v a n d . I was

glutted

w i t h tea, a p o l o g i e s c a m e f r o m r i g h t a n d left - all o f w h i c h , I s u s ­ p e c t e d , h a d m o r e t o d o w i t h fear o f reprisals for t h e s t o n i n g t h a n a n y heartfelt affection for m e . N e v e r t h e l e s s it w a s a g r e e d t h a t a p h o t o g r a p h e r c o u l d take pictures of t h e camels s w i m m i n g t h e c h a n n e l . I n s t e a d o f r e m a i n i n g n e a r t h e village I set u p m y t e n t o n the nearby farm of another Rabari w h o maintained a house in Bhopavand b u t preferred

t o live o u t s i d e t h e a m b i t o f its

r e s t r i c t i o n s . H e w o r k e d f r o m b e f o r e d a w n u n t i l after d u s k o n his f a r m , as d i d t h e rest o f his family, b u t a n y profits i m m e d i a t e l y w e n t t o p a y i n g off his l o a n for t h e p u r c h a s e o f t h e l a n d . Please, h e asked, w o u l d I find h i m a j o b i n K u w a i t o r S a u d i A r a b i a ? I p r o m i s e d I w o u l d try. D i l i p ' s a p p r o a c h t o t h e c a n t a n k e r o u s citizens o f B h o p a v a n d w a s t h a t t h e y c o u l d b e b o u g h t off a n d h e w a s , o f c o u r s e , r i g h t . M o n e y f l o w e d o u t o f his p o c k e t a n d i n r e t u r n t h e w o r l d w a s offered. W e w e r e l e d o n c a m e l - b a c k t o t h e s h o o t . A f t e r it w a s over, a n d e v e r y ­ o n e else h a d r e t u r n e d t o t h e village, I g e s t u r e d t o t h e little b o y leading m y camel. H e grinned, got u p b e h i n d m e and w e galloped b a c k across t h e flats. T h e w h o l e village w a s w a i t i n g , w e a r i n g t h e k i n d s o f e x p r e s s i o n t h a t said ' I f s h e c a n r i d e a c a m e l like t h a t , s h e c a n ' t b e all bad.' A n d S e r u , t h e l e a d e r o f t h e p a c k , t h e o n e w h o h a d b e e n t h e first t o play w i t h m e a n d t h e first t o s t o n e m e , m a d e a b o w so full o f sarcasm t h a t I c o u l d o n l y l a u g h a n d b o w i n return. After D i l i p left I w e n t h u n t i n g for Pala b h a i . A t t h e village w h e r e I heard h e m i g h t be, I was greeted by retreating backs. T h e m e n d i d n o t k n o w w h e r e Pala b h a i w a s . H a d n o t , it s e e m e d , e v e r h e a r d o f Pala b h a i . T h e w o m e n b e g a n t o cluster a r o u n d m e . A fat, surly o n e sized m e u p a n d p r o n o u n c e d , ' S h e ' l l n e v e r m a k e it.' W i t h a c o n t e m p t u o u s air s h e rose a n d

flounced

away, h e r m i n i o n s

falling i n b e h i n d h e r . T h e o l d ladies, s y m p a t h e t i c i n t h e face o f m y h u m i l i a t i o n , h a d n o t travelled t o t h e e d g e o f t h e w o r l d a n d b a c k as she h a d d o n e a n d therefore deferred to her. Usually migrations w e r e local, t h o u g h s o m e d a n g s j o u r n e y e d o u t s i d e t h e 106

Gujarat

b o r d e r , d e p e n d i n g o n seasonal rains. B u t i n o n e p a r t i c u l a r l y b a d y e a r m a n y p e o p l e h a d a b a n d o n e d G u j a r a t a l t o g e t h e r a n d travelled d e e p i n t o M a d h y a P r a d e s h , r e t u r n i n g , like this w o m a n , o n l y for c e r e m o n i a l , r i t u a l a n d c u l t u r a l ties. E v e n t u a l l y t h e s e links t o o w i l l sever, as t h e y h a v e i n t h e past. T h e fat l a d y h a d b e e n ' o u t ' for t h r e e y e a r s . D u r i n g h e r t i m e away, she h a d l e a r n t s o m e H i n d i a n d s h e h a d b e c o m e w o r l d l y , w h i c h i n t h e s e t i m e s m e a n t defensive a n d rude. A couple of her lieutenants came back, instructed in w h a t to say b y t h e i r leader. ' W e ' l l t a k e h e r if she'll w e a r b l a c k w o o l like us.' ' W e ' l l t a k e h e r if she'll a g r e e t o b e t a t t o o e d - n e c k , face, h a n d s a n d legs.' ' I f she'll h a v e large h o l e s m a d e i n h e r ears for t h e silver.' ' I f s h e c a n d r i n k d i t c h w a t e r that's g r e e n o r black.' ' I f s h e c a n g o for days w i t h n o w a t e r at all, n o t h i n g b u t s h e e p o r c a m e l milk.' ' I f she c a n w a l k o n e v e n w i t h h e r blisters b l e e d i n g . ' A c r o n e w i t h p e b b l e glasses set a s k e w o n h e r face s t o p p e d t h e t a u n t i n g , t o u c h e d m y h a n d a n d said, ' Y o u see, w e c a n n o t t a k e y o u b e c a u s e it is t o o h a r d a n d t o o d a n g e r o u s for y o u . B e s i d e s , o t h e r s will t h i n k w e have k i d n a p p e d you.' Pala's d a n g h a d left w i t h m y m o n e y b u t w i t h o u t m e . I h a d m i s s e d t h e B a a b a r a e x o d u s i n R a j a s t h a n . I called N a r e n d r a a n d w a i l e d i n t o t h e p h o n e . Yet w h e n I p u t d o w n t h e receiver, I f o u n d m y s e l f l e a p i n g a r o u n d t h e h o t e l r o o m , y e l l i n g t h i n g s like y i p p e e and hooray. T h e d o o r to the d u n g e o n in w h i c h I h a d b e e n living for a y e a r was o p e n . I w o u l d w r i t e a l o n g l e t t e r t o t h e e d i t o r s a p o l o g i z i n g for m y signal failure t o c o m e u p w i t h t h e g o o d s , r e t u r n w h a t m o n e y w a s left, a n d t h a t w o u l d leave m e free t o d o this t h i n g i n m y o w n w a y , at m y o w n p a c e , o n a s h o e s t r i n g , w i t h o u t t h e pressure o f p h o t o g r a p h s o r s t o r y l i n e . I w o u l d stay h e r e for a year, s t u d y t h e l a n g u a g e , live w i t h p e o p l e , w r i t e m y book. B u t I couldn't, because underneath

t h e j o y , like m u d , lay

P r o t e s t a n t guilt. T w o days later N a r e n d r a , p r i n c e a m o n g m e n , a r r i v e d . H e h a d d r i v e n straight f r o m J o d h p u r — five h u n d r e d m i l e s . 107

W e w e n t b a c k t o R a n g k a b h a i , t h e first K u t c h i R a b a r i

Dr

R a m a K r i s h n a h a d i n t r o d u c e d m e t o , a n d w h o m I h a d l i k e d so w e l l . H i s u n c l e P h a g u h a d left w i t h his d a n g t h r e e days b e f o r e . H e , Rangka, would go there immediately with the D o c t o r and N a r e n ¬ dra, t o talk t o t h e m . M e a n w h i l e I s h o u l d stay w i t h R a n g k a ' s w i f e , J a s u — a p r o p o s a l w h i c h , I realized, w a s a k i n d o f test. It was s h e w h o w o u l d h a v e t h e final say as t o w h e t h e r I w a s m i g r a t i o n material or not. W e h u d d l e d t o g e t h e r u n d e r t h e s h a d e o f a s p i n d l y t r e e — Jasu, h e r s i s t e r - i n - l a w a n d several b a b y goats w h i c h c u r l e d i n m y a r m s . M y h e a d was o n t h e girl's s t o m a c h j a s u s n o r e d . W h e n s h e w o k e she t o o k a m i r r o r f r o m h e r b l o u s e a n d a d d e d k o h l t o h e r eyes, t h e n t o m i n e . W e m a n a g e d to c o m m u n i c a t e about the i m p o r t a n t things - clothes and m a k e - u p . D i d I h a p p e n t o h a v e a n y nail p o l i s h w i t h m e ? I h a d b e e n told that the R a b a r i w e r e 'very i n n o c e n t of relationships', w h i c h was w h y t h e y h a d f e w c h i l d r e n . W h e n I asked t h e s e t w o w h y t h e y h a d smaller families t h a n o t h e r village p e o p l e , t h e y r e p l i e d t h a t it m u s t b e God's p u n i s h m e n t because they broke the law by eating m u t t o n . H o w R a b a r i l i k e t h a t a n s w e r w a s . T h e y are c o n s u m m a t e d i s s e m b l e r s to the outside world, truthful to the death w i t h each other. R a b a r i w o m e n use w h a t e v e r b i r t h c o n t r o l t e c h n o l o g y t h e y c a n lay t h e i r h a n d s o n ; I k n e w this f r o m t h e d o c t o r s a n d n u r s e s at t h e local h o s p i t a l . I h a d b r o u g h t fizzy d r i n k s b u t b o t h w o m e n spat t h e stuff o u t , h a v i n g n e v e r tasted it b e f o r e . Tea o n l y , please. T h e y t o o k t h e i r s e w i n g o u t o f c o l o u r e d b a g s , s t i t c h e d away a n d asked q u e s t i o n s . T h e y o u n g e r w o m a n b r o k e t i n y m i r r o r s o n t h e side o f a t i n for h e r e m b r o i d e r y . T h e m i r r o r s , she said, w e r e t o scare away tigers. B u t t h e r e are n o tigers i n K u t c h I p o i n t e d o u t . Yes, s h e a g r e e d , b u t b e f o r e (eight h u n d r e d y e a r s o r so) h e r p e o p l e h a d c o m e

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p r i c e ) , t h e n s h e w o u l d g e t h e r M u s l i m friends t o kill it. S h e w o u l d c o o k it a n d e v e r y o n e w o u l d eat it i n c e l e b r a t i o n o f m y b e c o m i n g p a r t o f t h e family. I offered t o t a k e t h e m i n t o t h e n e a r e s t t o w n for tea. T h e y m i m e d sashaying t h r o u g h t h e streets o f Anjar, s w i n g i n g m y h a n d a n d s h o w i n g off t o t h e lesser m o r t a l s w h o d i d n o t p o s ­ sess a p e t ' A n g r e z ' . I h a d p a s s e d t h e test. 108

R a n g k a b r o u g h t g o o d n e w s a n d b a d n e w s . Yes, P h a g u w o u l d consider having m e w i t h t h e m . However, I w o u l d have to provide m y o w n c a m e l a n d g e a r as t h e y h a d n o n e spare. K o j u a n d m y friends f r o m t h e d e p a r t m e n t w e n t off i n s e a r c h o f a c a m e l t o purchase, Narendra and I w e n t back to the hotel to pack. Every­ t h i n g I needed, including t w o camels, was back in J o d h p u r . I w o u l d h a v e t o w i n g it. B y afternoon a camel h a d b e e n f o u n d — a y o u n g bull o w n e d by s o m e J u t s . W e w e n t t o c h e c k h i m o u t . J u s t as w i t h p e o p l e , o n e c a n t a k e a n i n s t a n t l i k i n g o r disliking t o p a r t i c u l a r a n i m a l s .

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R a h i m w a s w i l l i n g , s w e e t - t e m p e r e d , o b e d i e n t , a n d h e d i d n ' t chase o r b i t e p e o p l e - a h o i p o l l o i c a m e l . I h o p p e d o n his b a c k , w e n t for a fast p a c e i n t h e e v e n i n g l i g h t a n d d e c i d e d t h a t I l i k e d h i m v e r y much. H e w o u l d have to b e t r u c k e d to t h e dang. A n d I w o u l d have t o h u r r y t o c a t c h u p w i t h it. T h e r e w a s n o t i m e t o s o r t t h r o u g h m y l u g g a g e o f w h i c h t h e r e w a s far t o o m u c h , a n d n o t i m e t o t h i n k . P h a g u b h a i h a d t r u c k e d his l a m b s across t h e L i t t l e R a n n o f K u t c h , a vast s t r e t c h o f salt a n d m u d flats i n u n d a t e d , o n c e a year, b y s e a w a t e r a n d floods. T h e

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w o m e n w i t h t h e i r c a m e l s h a d p u s h e d a l o n g at t h i r t y m i l e s a day, t h e r e b e i n g n o feed t o s t o p for. W e c a u g h t u p w i t h t h e m as t h e y w e r e p u l l i n g i n t o c a m p i n a r i v e r - b e d . I m m e d i a t e l y t h e y asked m e if I w o u l d d r i v e b a c k a f e w m i l e s t o p i c k u p t h r e e m e n a n d s o m e sheep w h o w e r e t o o exhausted to m o v e any further. T h e m e n h a d n o food. W h e n I w e n t to collect t h e m , the sheep s e e m e d barely c o n ­ scious a n d t h e m e n l o o k e d like c o r p s e s . B a c k at c a m p , n i g h t w a s falling a n d t h e w o m e n w e r e b r i n g i n g i n h u g e b u n d l e s o f A f r i c a n t h o r n o n t h e i r h e a d s for t h e c o o k i n g fires, o r t h r a s h i n g t h e piles w i t h t e n - f o o t sticks t o b l u n t t h e p r i c k l e s . O t h e r s h a d w a l k e d a m i l e t o a w e l l a n d w e r e c a r t i n g b a c k t h r e e l a r g e brass p o t s s t a c k e d o n t h e i r h e a d s . T h e m e n w e r e b r i n g i n g i n t h e s h e e p , five t h o u s a n d o f t h e m . E v e r y o n e h a d b e e n w o r k i n g n o n - s t o p s i n c e five o ' c l o c k t h a t m o r n i n g . Yet t h e s o u n d s o f l a u g h t e r a n d g r e e t i n g s rose a b o v e the c l a m o u r of the sheep. E a c h family c l u s t e r e d a r o u n d o n e o r t w o c h a r p o i s o n w h i c h t h e gear, f o o d a n d saddles w e r e p l a c e d , a n d o n t o p o f w h i c h w e r e 109

v a r i o u s h a n d m a d e quilts. T h e w o m e n a n d c h i l d r e n slept o n t h e s e , b e t w e e n t w o a n d five t o a b e d . E a c h c a m p w a s m a y b e t w e n t y yards away f r o m t h e n e i g h b o u r ' s , far e n o u g h for a little p r i v a c y b u t n o t so far t h a t a s h o u t e d j o k e c o u l d n o t b e a p p r e c i a t e d . E a c h family's c a m e l s w e r e t e t h e r e d t w e n t y feet away f r o m t h e c a m p . T h r e e r o c k s i n a t r i a n g l e f o r m e d t h e stove, b e h i n d w h i c h w a s t h e b u n d l e o f hellish sticks a n d i n front o f w h i c h sat o n e o r t w o w o m e n i n t h e i r b l a c k w o o l , facing i n w a r d s , h e a v y silver balls d a n ­ g l i n g f r o m t h e r i m s o f t h e i r ears, s w i n g i n g t o t h e r h y t h m o f r o l l ­ i n g , s l a p p i n g , p a t t i n g , p o u n d i n g d o u g h . A r o u n d this tableau

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s t o o d s h e e p a n d goats, so t i r e d a n d so s t u p i d t h e y s i n g e d t h e i r n o s e s o n t h e fire. T h e n e g o t i a t i o n s w e r e d o n e i n t h e i r o w n l a n g u a g e so I h a d n o i d e a w h a t w a s g o i n g o n . Pala, t h e m u k k i w h o h a d d i s a p p e a r e d with m y m o n e y , had b e e n a b h o p a and had carried himself with t h e self-consciousness fitting t o his s t a t i o n . P h a g u , o n t h e o t h e r h a n d , d i d n o t p r o j e c t g o d l i n e s s . H e p r o j e c t e d n a u g h t i n e s s — if it's possible for a tall, t h i n , s t o o p e d , e l e g a n t m a n t o l o o k n a u g h t y . H e g l a n c e d at m e f r o m t i m e t o t i m e , his eyes n a r r o w e d w i t h s p e c u l a ­ t i o n , t h e n c r i n k l i n g i n a m u s e m e n t . E v e n t u a l l y it w a s c o n f i r m e d t h a t I c o u l d travel w i t h t h e m a n d t h e fiscal a r r a n g e m e n t s w o u l d b e as follows: P h a g u s d a u g h t e r a n d n i e c e , Jaivi a n d P a r m a , w o u l d c o o k a n d f e t c h w a t e r for m e , a n d N a k k i , his w i f e , w o u l d l o a d t h e camel. I w o u l d provide m y o w n millet a n d I w o u l d pay t w o t h o u s a n d five h u n d r e d r u p e e s a m o n t h . T h i s w a s a l a r g e a m o u n t o f m o n e y for t h e m , t h o u g h as R a n g k a said later, ' I f t h e y d i d n ' t like y o u , y o u c o u l d offer t h e m t e n t i m e s as m u c h a n d t h e y ' d t u r n y o u down.' W e drove back to w h e r e the lambs were b e i n g held and w h e r e m y friends a n d I w o u l d s p e n d a n i g h t . N a k k i g r e e t e d m e t a k i n g b o t h m y h a n d s a n d l e a d i n g m e t o t h e fire for tea. S o m e h o w it w a s easy t o tell t h a t s h e w a s h e a d o f t h e w o m e n ' s w o r l d , j u s t as P h a g u was h e a d of the men's. T h e r e were just a few older w o m e n a n d c h i l d r e n h e r e , c a m p e d b y t h e side o f a t h u n d e r o u s h i g h w a y , close t o a p i t full o f faeces a n d f e s t e r i n g w a t e r , a n d t w o h u n d r e d y a r d s f r o m a s t o n e - c r u s h i n g m i l l w h i c h c h u r n e d o u t d e c i b e l s a n d dust. T h i s w o u l d b e o u r ' r e s t i n g p l a c e ' for a day o r t w o w h i l e e v e r y o n e r e c o v e r e d f r o m t h e i r r a c e across t h e R a n n . no

I n t h e m o r n i n g N a r e n d r a w a s u n c h a r a c t e r i s t i c a l l y g l u m . 'I'd d o a n y t h i n g for y o u b u t , please, d o n ' t ask m e t o c a m p o u t again. G o d , was I uncomfortable.' So, I t h o u g h t t o myself, there's a t r a c e o f t h e p a l a c e left i n m y a n t i - f e u d a l f r i e n d after all. H e k e p t p u l l i n g t h i n g s o u t o f his l u g g a g e saying, ' Y o u m i g h t n e e d this. B e t t e r t a k e a f e w o f these.' ' B u t N a r e n d r a I've g o t t o o m u c h . . .' ' F o r o n c e i n y o u r life, yaar, d o n ' t argue.' R a m R a h i m arrived by truck. I tethered h i m next to m y o w n c a m p - a f o l d - u p m e t a l c o t s a g g i n g u n d e r t h e w e i g h t o f suitcases, b e d r o l l , t e n t , saddle a n d supplies. A t last t h e g o o d b y e s c o u l d b e p o s t p o n e d n o longer. I waved to m y vanishing j e e p and t u r n e d to face m y ' f a m i l y ' w i t h w h o m I h a d a p p r o x i m a t e l y t w e n t y w o r d s i n common.

9 T h e r e is n o t h i n g so f r u s t r a t i n g as b e i n g w i t h p e o p l e u p o n w h o m y o u d e p e n d for survival, f r o m w h o m t h e r e is m u c h t o discover, w h o m y o u like a g r e a t d e a l a n d w h o s e e m t o like y o u , w h o w a n t t o k n o w e v e r y t h i n g a b o u t y o u — a n d h a v i n g t o b e h a v e as if s o m e ­ o n e h a d c u t y o u r t o n g u e o u t a n d a b i t o f b r a i n as w e l l . ' K y a ? ' I w o u l d say, r i g h t ear c r a n e d f o r w a r d , m o u t h h a n g i n g o p e n . T h e ladies w e r e p a t i e n t , as n o d o u b t t h e y always are w i t h village i d i o t s . Q u e s t i o n s w o u l d b e repeated l o u d e r a n d slower until eventually t h e y w o u l d sigh a n d shake t h e i r h e a d s , o r p e a l w i t h l a u g h t e r a n d g i v e m e a clap o n t h e s h o u l d e r b e f o r e g o i n g a b o u t t h e i r business. ' S a m j i natti,' t h e y w o u l d say ( d o e s n ' t u n d e r s t a n d ) w h e n e v e r s o m e ­ o n e n e w t r i e d t o address m e . P r e v i o u s l y I h a d t e n d e d t o l e a r n l a n g u a g e s v e r y q u i c k l y , a l t h o u g h I f o r g o t t h e m at t h e s a m e s p e e d w h e n I h a d n o use for t h e m . B u t India's o n e t h o u s a n d , seven h u n d r e d m o t h e r t o n g u e s h a d d e f e a t e d b e t t e r linguists t h a n m e . A n d yet h o w quickly o n e learns that o t h e r language of gesture a n d i n f e r e n c e , i n this case a u g m e n t e d b y a f e w p r e c i o u s w o r d s a n d s o m e p h r a s e s f r o m Teach Yourself Gujarati, a fascinating little b o o k w h i c h c o n t a i n e d s u c h s e n t e n c e s as: ' t h e l o c k o f y o u r m u s k e t is r u s t y ' , ' y o u w i l l b e h a n g e d t o m o r r o w ' a n d 'a s e p o y s h o t h i m s e l f ' — b u t n o w h e r e m e n t i o n e d g r a m m a r . I h a d also t h o u g h t t o b r i n g slates a n d c r a y o n s for t h e c h i l d r e n a n d b o o k s o f t h e G u j a r a t i a l p h a b e t for m e . T h u s e q u i p p e d I was n o w m a d e t o u n d e r s t a n d t h a t I s h o u l d teach t h e children h o w to read a n d w r i t e . As y o u d o n o t n e e d t o s p e a k a l a n g u a g e t o m a k e a s o u n d a n d d r a w t h e s y m b o l for it, I t h o u g h t I w o u l d t r y . W e sat for a c o u p l e o f h o u r s u n d e r a n acacia, t h e w o m e n o c c a s i o n a l l y m o c k - t h r e a t e n i n g t h e i r offspring if t h e y 112

didn't w o r k hard, until an older b o y c a m e in from t h e herds, a s k i n g his b r o t h e r , a t w e l v e - y e a r - o l d , t o r e t u r n t o w o r k . T h e b o y ignored him, earning himself a tug o n the earring. H e h o w l e d and literally t h r e w h i m s e l f i n t o his g r a n n i e ' s lap, s o b b i n g a n d c l u t c h i n g at h e r b l a c k skirts w h i l e his b r o t h e r , c a u g h t b e t w e e n c o m p a s s i o n a n d n o t w a n t i n g t o cave i n t o t h e boy's h i s t r i o n i c s , laid a c o u p l e o f r e l u c t a n t c l o u t s t o his b a c k t h u s m a k i n g t h e s o b b i n g l o u d e r a n d t h e b u r r o w i n g d e e p e r . T h i s w a s t h e first a n d last t i m e I e v e r saw a c h i l d chastised. G r a n n i e , u n a b l e t o resist so d i r e c t a n d physical a p l e a , g e n t l y t o l d t h e b r o t h e r t o leave t h e b o y a l o n e . T h e s h e p h e r d w e n t off t o t h e a n i m a l s m u t t e r i n g ; t h e b o y j u m p e d u p , tears f o r g o t ­ t e n , a n d o n c e m o r e a p p l i e d his a t t e n t i o n t o t h e slate w i t h a k i n d o f frenzy. B u t h e w r o t e t h e letters sideways o r u p s i d e d o w n , a n d h o w d o y o u e x p l a i n t h a t t h e a l i g n m e n t o f a l e t t e r is as i m p o r t a n t as its shape? W e m o v e d o n t o n u m b e r s . I d r e w o n e d o t , t w o d o t s , t h r e e d o t s , w i t h t h e n u m b e r b e s i d e . T h e y r e p e a t e d t h e drill u n t i l I t h o u g h t t h a t I w a s n ' t s u c h a b a d t e a c h e r . T h e n w h e n I asked t h e m to w r i t e d o w n the n u m b e r of pebbles I held in m y hand, they d r e w three dots. Phagu's and Nakki's youngest daughter, Hatti, a t e n - y e a r - o l d w i t h s u c h h e a l t h y s e l f - e s t e e m she r i s k e d b e i n g a p a i n i n t h e arse, h a d b e e n s h o w i n g off a b o m i n a b l y b y w r i t i n g e v e r y l e t t e r perfectly. S h e w a s b e i n g t u t o r e d b y P a r m a , h e r a u n t i e , w h o i n t u r n had b e e n taught to read and write by another m e m b e r of her family w h e n she w a s a c h i l d . T h e c h i l d r e n w e r e , e v e r y o n e o f t h e m , delightful c o m p a n y b u t it w a s N a g j i w i t h w h o m I h a d fallen i n love. H e w a s t h e s w e e t e s t little

b o y i m a g i n a b l e . H e h a d o n l y t o l o o k at y o u a n d his w h o l e

face o p e n e d i n a smile. H e w a s dressed i n b r i g h t floppy t r o u s e r s , t i g h t e n e d at t h e a n k l e w i t h e m b r o i d e r y , a n d a n e m b r o i d e r e d vest l a c e d w i t h silver. H e s t o o d g a z i n g off i n t o vistas, legs a p a r t , a r m s f o l d e d across his chest a n d t h o u g h t d e e p t h o u g h t s . E v e n t h e w e e p ­ i n g sores a r o u n d his m o u t h c o u l d n o t d e t r a c t f r o m his lovableness. H e was a l m o s t seven y e a r s o l d a n d s m o k e d a c h i l l u m like a professor. It w a s t o t a k e N a g j i t o a d o c t o r t h a t w e w o m e n w a l k e d i n t o M o r b i that afternoon. T h e y w e r e exhausting, these larger t o w n s , not just because of the noise and pollution and chaos but because t h e y elicited, at t h e s a m e t i m e , c o n t r a r y e m o t i o n s — e x c i t a t i o n a n d 113

b o r e d o m . C o n f r o n t e d w i t h t h e m a i n street, I t o o k a b r e a t h a n d h e s i t a t e d . S o m e o n e gave m e a little s h o v e b e t w e e n t h e s h o u l d e r blades, as y o u

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swimming-pool. ' W h e r e is t h e h o s p i t a l ? ' N a k k i asked a p a s s e r - b y . ' W h i c h hospital?' 'Private,' c a m e t h e r e p l y i n i m p e c c a b l e m i d - c o u n t i e s E n g l i s h . T h e r e w e r e a b o u t t w e n t y p e o p l e waiting in t h e surgery, sitting o n t h e c e m e n t floor. W e f o u n d places for o u r s e l v e s a n d t h e n t h e d o c t o r , s e e i n g a E u r o p e a n a m o n g his p a t i e n t s , s u m m o n e d m e i n t o his office. F o r e v e r after, t h e R a b a r i , shameless a b o u t

queue-

j u m p i n g , w o u l d w a n t m e t o a c c o m p a n y t h e m t o clinics. N a g j i submitted to the probing but w h e n the nurse put h i m o n a bed a n d b r o u g h t o u t a tray o f i n s t r u m e n t s o f t o r t u r e , h e p e r m i t t e d h i m s e l f a silent c r y . ' Y o u m u s t feed h i m fresh fruit a n d vegetables,' said t h e d o c t o r tersely, first i n E n g l i s h , t h e n i n G u j a r a t i . O h sure, I t h o u g h t . G r o w n o n a camel's h u m p , I s u p p o s e . After t h a t it w a s d o w n t h e steps like released b i r d s a n d across t h e street t o t h e c h e m i s t t o p i c k u p t h e m e d i c i n e s . T h e o w n e r o f t h e s h o p , fat as b e f i t t e d his social p o s i t i o n , sat at t h e front b y t h e till, i n a state o f s o m n a m b u l a n c e . H i s s e c o n d i n c o m m a n d , t h i n n e r t h a n h e , t o o k t h e o r d e r a n d s h o u t e d it t o a t h i r d p e r s o n , a n e m a c i ­ a t e d little m a n , w h o f e r r e t e d a m o n g t h e shelves, c a b i n e t s

and

b o x e s o f t h e m i n i a t u r i z e d s h o p . T h e r e w e r e f o r m s t o fill o u t . Everything seemed

to proceed in slow m o t i o n . T h e

t i m e is

m o n e y m o d e has n o t y e t i n v a d e d r u r a l I n d i a . W h e n t h e p u r c h a s e s were c o m p l e t e I h a d gathered the usual crowd. ' F r o m

which

country?' could be heard from various m o u t h s , along w i t h gig­ g l i n g a n d t h e i n e v i t a b l e d e m a n d s for m o n e y a n d p e n s . If y o u a n s w e r this q u e s t i o n as I h a d , i n n o c e n t l y , i n t h e past, t h e q u e s t i o n is t h e n r e p e a t e d b y e v e r y b o d y w i t h i n e a r s h o t a n d t h e l a u g h t e r crescendos. M o r e p e o p l e gather, m o r e p e o p l e shout ' F r o m w h i c h country?' and b e g i n to jostle each o t h e r to get a better glimpse of t h e freak, u n t i l y o u f i n d y o u r s e l f t h e focus o f a m i l d l y h y s t e r i c a l m o b . D i g n i t y d e m a n d s t h a t y o u p r e t e n d it is n o t t h e r e . It is, I suppose, divine

retribution

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the

receives i n c e r t a i n d o c t o r s ' s u r g e r i e s . 114

treatment

your

whiteness

T h e p h a l a n x o f ladies d r e w m e away f r o m t h e r e a n d u p a gully. A m a n sitting at t h e front o f his j e w e l l e r y s h o p c r i e d o u t , ' F r o m w h i c h c o u n t r y ? ' W e h u r r i e d past b u t h e called after u s . 'Please c o m e . I speak English. N o n e e d b u y . Take chai w i t h me.' T h e w o r d 'tea' s t o p p e d N a k k i in h e r tracks. She led m e b a c k to t h e m a n w h o , o n l e a r n i n g I w a s A u s t r a l i a n , listed e v e r y c r i c k e t h e r o m y c o u n t r y h a d p r o d u c e d . H e o r d e r e d tea for us all ( N a k k i d e ­ m a n d e d coffee), w h i c h c a m e i n glasses i n a w i r e c r a t e d e l i v e r e d b y a little b o y . I w a s g i v e n o n e chair, N a k k i a n o t h e r , a n d t h e r e m a i n ­ i n g w o m e n sat o n t h e steps. H a d N a k k i lifted t h e glass t o h e r lips w i t h little f i n g e r c r o o k ' d , I w o u l d n o t h a v e b e e n s u r p r i s e d . I c o u l d read h e r m i n d . H a v i n g m e a r o u n d c o n t a i n e d h i d d e n benefits. A little later w h e n s h e w a s c h o o s i n g plastic sandals for H a t t i , t h e s h o e w a l l a h t h r e a t e n e d h e r w i t h raised a r m for f i n g e r i n g t h e m e r ­ c h a n d i s e . B u t t h e m o m e n t h e saw m e N a k k i c o u l d t o u c h as m a n y sandals as s h e liked. If I h a d t o n a m e t h e q u a l i t y w h i c h I m o s t a d m i r e a n d e n v y i n t h e m a j o r i t y o f I n d i a n s , it w o u l d b e t h e c a p a c i t y for p a t i e n c e , w h i c h is a n o t h e r w a y o f d e s c r i b i n g a n ability s i m p l y t o b e , w i t h ­ o u t a n x i e t y . I a d m i r e a n d e n v y it b e c a u s e I a m d e v o i d o f it. T h o s e h o u r s s p e n t sitting o n t h e g r o u n d w a i t i n g for m y friends t o p u r ­ chase t h e i r stores, w i t h n o t h i n g t o r e a d , u n a b l e t o c o n v e r s e , s h o o ­ i n g off flies a n d b e s i d e m y s e l f w i t h t e d i u m a n d restlessness, w e r e , i n t h e e n d , salutary. I l e a r n t t o f o r g e t h o w m e n t a l l y a n d physically u n c o m f o r t a b l e I was b y f o r c i n g m y a t t e n t i o n o u t w a r d s . I m i g h t focus o n life's diversity sifting past o r s t r i k e u p a h a l t i n g c o n v e r s a ­ t i o n w i t h a b e g g a r w h o h a d c o m e t o p i c k at m y sleeve. O r I m i g h t p u l l a n o r n i o v e r m y h e a d a n d h a l f d r o w s e for sixty s e c o n d s p r o p p e d against a d o o r p o s t . O r , f e a r i n g t h a t m a d n e s s m i g h t a r r i v e a n y m i n u t e , a n d t a k e m e s c r e a m i n g d o w n t h e gullies r i p p i n g m y h a i r o u t , I m i g h t r e p e a t B h a w a n i ji's m a n t r a w h i c h g o t m e n o closer t o G o d b u t at least t o o k m e away f r o m m y self. B u t I d i d n o t d e v e l o p t h o s e t e c h n i q u e s for s o m e t i m e a n d o n t h a t first s h o p p i n g e x p e d i t i o n t h e h o u r s h a d c a n n o n balls a t t a c h e d t o t h e i r h e e l s . A t last c a m e t h e final p u r c h a s e , m y m i l l e t seed. T h e w o m e n t o o k t i n y p i n c h e s o f it t o c h e w , t h e n t h r e w t h e r e m a i n d e r b a c k i n t h e sacks i n disgust — t h e p r e a m b l e t o b a r g a i n i n g . As I w a s t o l e a r n , t h e banias w e r e n o m a t c h for t h e m . T h e y gave u p i n

e x a s p e r a t i o n , y e t b y t h e t i m e t h e last g r a i n w a s m e a s u r e d

out

e v e r y o n e w a s s m i l i n g a n d c h a t t i n g , j u s t as I i m a g i n e d t h e Allies a n d Italians d i d o n t h a t C h r i s t m a s D a y m y f a t h e r t o l d m e a b o u t , w h e n g u n s w e r e p u t away a n d m e n r e m e m b e r e d t h e y w e r e all m a d e i n G o d ' s i m a g e . Jaivi t i e d m y m i l l e t i n a p i e c e o f c l o t h , p l a c e d it o n h e r h e a d a l o n g w i t h t h e o t h e r p u r c h a s e s — sugar, sweets a n d o r a n g e s for t h e c h i l d r e n , o n i o n s , p o t a t o e s a n d c o r i a n d e r — a n d w e p r o c e e d e d t o t h e miller. 'Paisa. E k p e n . ' 'From which country?' ' G r e g C h a p e l l , I a n B o t h a m . . .' ' M e m s a h i b paisa, b h u k lagi, das r u p e e . . .' W e t o o k refuge i n a t e n - b y - s i x - f o o t r o o m c o n t a i n i n g a d o z e n o r so w o m e n , t h e m i l l w a l l a h a n d his e l e c t r i c m i l l , w h i c h y o u c o u l d b a r e l y see t h r o u g h t h e flour m i s t . T h e g r a i n w a s t u r n e d o u t o n t h e floor a n d w e sat a r o u n d it o n g u n n y sacks, t h e n sieved it t h r o u g h large c o l a n d e r s several t i m e s . W e e v i l s , bits o f stick, chaff a n d d i r t w e r e p i c k e d o u t b y h a n d w h i l e sweat r a n d o w n t h e b o d y i n r u n n e l s , chaff i t c h e d t h e skin a n d eyes, a n d a k i n d o f g l u e m a d e o f flour d u s t a n d sweat c l o g g e d e v e r y orifice. B u t n o n e o f t h a t mattered because here w o m e n could make contact with o t h e r o u t s i d e family o r c o m m u n i t y b o u n d a r i e s -

each

the wise old

witches and the y o u n g wives — and exchange information. T h e p r e l i m i n a r i e s w e r e always t h e s a m e i n t h e s e s i t u a t i o n s : h o w m a n y c h i l d r e n e a c h w o m a n h a d , h o w m a n y b r o t h e r s a n d sisters, a n d w h e r e e v e r y o n e w a s f r o m . M y w o r t h as c u r i o s i t y p i e c e

soon

waned, the t o w n w o m e n proceeded to p u m p the Rabari w o m e n for n e w s o f o t h e r places a n d e v e r y o n e g o t d o w n t o s e r i o u s f e m a l e p o l i t i c k i n g or, as it is fallaciously k n o w n , gossip. A n h o u r later t h e clean seed was given t o t h e miller t o g r i n d , t h e flour w a s c a u g h t a n d t i e d u p i n c l o t h . W e d u s t e d e a c h o t h e r d o w n a n d t h e n it w a s t i m e t o w a l k h o m e . It w a s h o t , e v e n at five o'clock and o u r bundles were heavy. I b o u g h t everyone a drink f r o m a r o a d s i d e v e n d o r w h o , b e h i n d his t i n y cart, s q u e e z e d l e m o n s t h e size o f g o l f balls, m i x e d t h e j u i c e w i t h c a r b o n a t e d w a t e r , t h e n c h i p p e d p i e c e s off a b l o c k o f g r e e n i s h ice — a l u x u r y m o r e d e e p l y e n j o y e d t h a n a b o t t l e o f K r u g c o u l d e v e r b e . After w h i c h N a k k i , t o m y d e l i g h t , h a i l e d a n a u t o - r i c k s h a w . S e v e n o f us s q u e e z e d i n t o 116

this c o n t r a p t i o n , w h i c h w h e e z e d a l o n g at a b o u t t e n m i l e s a n h o u r , c o u g h i n g blue fumes. T h e r e was a g o o d deal o f p r i c e haggling b e f o r e w e g o t i n a n d a little m o r e at j o u r n e y ' s e n d . T h e n it w a s t i m e t o g a t h e r f i r e w o o d , fetch w a t e r a n d c o o k . O u r day o f rest. T h e first m a j o r c o m m u n i c a t i o n p r o b l e m o c c u r r e d o n t h e m o r n ­ i n g o f d e p a r t u r e . I h a d far t o o m u c h l u g g a g e for o n e c a m e l a n d h a d u n d e r s t o o d t h a t P h a g u w o u l d d i s t r i b u t e s o m e o f it a m o n g t h e o t h e r a n i m a l s . B u t w h e n it w a s t i m e t o b r e a k c a m p , it w a s l o a d e d o n R a m R a h i m . I m i m e d concern. Phagu m i m e d back that w e h a d n o choice. H e and I w o u l d take a short route, t h r o u g h t h e centre of town, leaving the dang to go the long way, thereby a v o i d i n g t h e b r i b e s t h e y w o u l d h a v e h a d t o p a y t o t h e officers ' g u a r d i n g ' t h e r o a d s i d e forests. P h a g u h a d a l r e a d y w a s t e d

five

h u n d r e d rupees o n the police. T h e road was a maelstrom of trucks, buses, jeeps, Ambassa­ d o r s , s c o o t e r s , s c o o t e r - r i c k s h a w s , b i c y c l e s , carts, p e o p l e , c o w s , buf­ faloes, c a m e l s , g o a t s

and

dogs. T h e

second

time

the

saddle

s w u n g u n d e r R a m R a h i m ' s belly, s c a t t e r i n g p o t s , p a n s a n d b e d ­ d i n g over t h e r o a d , I d e c i d e d t o t a k e t h e excess l u g g a g e b a c k t o a cafe n e a r w h e r e w e h a d c a m p e d . P h a g u w o u l d w a i t a n d g u a r d the remainder. I w e n t t h r o u g h the gear very quickly, t h r o w i n g w h a t I t h o u g h t was e x t r a n e o u s i n t o a large suitcase. I t i e d t h e camel u p outside the 'restaurant' — a breeze-block shack

open

o n o n e side a n d full o f flies a n d t i n tables — a n d c a r r i e d

the

suitcase i n o n m y h e a d . T h e p r o p r i e t o r t u c k e d it u n d e r his o w n b e d i n t h e c o r n e r . R a m R a h i m w a s still o v e r l o a d e d a n d b y n o w so t e r r i f i e d t h a t h e s h i e d at passing t r u c k s . T h e l u g g a g e

came

off again. P h a g u a n d I r e l o a d e d h u n d r e d s o f p o u n d s i n m i n u t e s . T h e camel's n o s e p e g b l e d . I lost a c h u n k o f m y s h i n b u t r e ­ m a i n e d o b l i v i o u s o f it u n t i l later. A n o i s y a u d i e n c e h a d g a t h ­ ered by the time w e reached the dang c a m p e d o n the

other

side o f M o r b i b e n e a t h a s k y l i n e o f c h i m n e y stacks, o n a p a t c h o f e a r t h l i t t e r e d w i t h b r o k e n b r i c k s , glass, g a r b a g e a n d

human

excrement. Magically everyone k n e w just w h a t had happened. Phagu indi­ c a t e d , ' R a t t i b e n , you u n l o a d t h e l u g g a g e , I'll tie u p t h e c a m e l . ' W h e n I o b e d i e n t l y t u r n e d t o d o this, t h e y b u r s t o u t l a u g h i n g a n d P h a g u said, ' N o , y o u rest. N a k k i w i l l u n l o a d . ' H e p a t t e d m e o n t h e 117

s h o u l d e r , t h e n w a l k e d away c a c k l i n g t o himself, o r g a n i z i n g t h e s h e p h e r d s , w a d i n g t h r o u g h a sea o f several t h o u s a n d h u n g r y , s c r e a m ­ i n g s h e e p a n d p i c k i n g o u t armfuls o f l a m b s t o b e t e t h e r e d for t h e night. H e h a d n o t rested since d a w n . T h e r e w a s a sense o f u r g e n c y g e t t i n g all t h e w o r k d o n e b y nightfall. T h e w o m e n r a n b a r e f o o t o v e r s t o n e s a n d t h o r n s , c h a s i n g t h e l a m b s . I t r i e d t o h e l p t h e m b u t t h e d o g s a t t a c k e d m e as s o o n as I t o u c h e d t h e a n i m a l s , especially o n e p s y c h o t i c b r u t e w i t h y e l l o w eyes. N a g j i p u l l e d m e a r o u n d b y t h e h a n d , t h r e a t e n i n g t h e d o g s , trying to explain w h i c h lambs belonged to w h i c h camp and h o w to tether t h e m by the n e c k to the long goat-hair ropes radiating from e a c h b e d . I w e n t t o a w e l l w i t h t h e w o m e n b u t t o w n s p e o p l e f o l l o w e d m e like a p a c k o f h o w l e r m o n k e y s . I w a n t e d t o c r a w l i n t o a h o l e a n d die. Jaivi p u t h e r a r m t h r o u g h m i n e , s m i l e d h e r father's w r y s m i l e a n d said s o m e t h i n g like, ' A r e y o u sure y o u w a n t t o live w i t h us?' T h a t e v e n i n g a r o u n d t h e fires t h e r e w a s a l o t o f talk a b o u t t h e day's p r o b l e m s . N a k k i i n p a r t i c u l a r s e e m e d v e r y c o n c e r n e d a n d k e p t r e p e a t i n g t h e w o r d ' c h o r ' , w h i c h m e a n s thief. S h e also r e ­ p e a t e d ' b i s c o o t ' , o n e o f t h e c o m m o d i t i e s I h a d a b a n d o n e d at t h e t r u c k s t o p cafe. S h e s e e m e d t o b e saying t h a t m y l u g g a g e w o u l d b e s t o l e n a n d t h a t I s h o u l d r e t u r n for it. I d i d n o t h a v e t h e e n e r g y o r t h e capability t o e x p l a i n t h a t s t o l e n l u g g a g e w a s l o w o n m y list o f p r i o r i t i e s j u s t n o w a n d if t h e r e s t a u r a t e u r w a n t e d t o eat m y biscuits h e w a s m o s t w e l c o m e t o t h e m . N o r d i d I realize t h a t c o n v e r s a t i o n s w e r e usually far less c o m p l i c a t e d t h a n I s u p p o s e d . It was agreed that I ride R a m R a h i m back in the m o r n i n g to r e ­ t r i e v e t h e l u g g a g e b e f o r e t h e d a n g set off. A g a i n , it s e e m e d t h a t t h e excess w o u l d b e d i s t r i b u t e d . I w e n t a l o n g w i t h e v e r y t h i n g , n o d d i n g , s m i l i n g , a g r e e i n g , w i t h o u t really u n d e r s t a n d i n g w h a t was b e i n g said, u n t i l at last I c l i m b e d o n t o t h e m o u n t a i n r a n g e o n m y b e d , r e s t e d m y h e a d against m y saddle a n d y e a r n e d for u n c o n s c i o u s ­ ness w h i c h finally a r r i v e d at t h r e e o ' c l o c k . T w o h o u r s l a t e r I was w o k e n by m e n whistling, clicking, trilling a n d h o o t i n g their music t o t h e flocks. All n i g h t t h e y h a d b e e n o n p a t r o l , h i t t i n g sticks o n the g r o u n d a n d rattling things, taking turns sleeping o n the stones o r g i g g l i n g at m e p u n c h i n g a n d c u r s i n g t h e s h e e p w h i c h r u b b e d t h e m s e l v e s against m y c o t w i t h o u t cease. T h e g o a t s l i k e d t o use 118

t h e c o r n e r s of t h e b e d to scratch b e t w e e n their h o r n s , t h e b o n y p a r t u s e d for b u t t i n g w h i c h is n o t o n l y i m p e r v i o u s t o t h e h u m a n fist b u t c a n c r a c k k n u c k l e s as if t h e y w e r e eggs. T h e y a c c e p t e d m y p u n c h e s as a sensual b o n u s — p r o o f o f m y affection — a n d l e a p t o n t h e b e d for m o r e . E a c h s h e p h e r d h a d slightly different calls, v a r i a t i o n s o n a t h e m e , a n d t h e overall effect w a s s o m e t h i n g like A m a z o n i a n w o o d w i n d s w i t h p e r c u s s i o n . T h e r e are m o r n i n g calls t o m o v e o u t , a call t o b r i n g t h e s h e e p t o w a t e r , a n d so o n . T h e basic signals are t h e s a m e b u t e a c h area has, as it w e r e , its o w n dialect o f calls. M u s l i m graziers w i l l h a v e a different dialect again. E a c h m a n k n o w s his o w n s h e e p , w h i c h m i g h t n u m b e r i n t h e h u n d r e d s , a n d v i c e versa, a n d his p a r t i c u l a r flock w i l l d i s e n t a n g l e itself f r o m t h e l a r g e r

flock

and move out behind h i m in the morning. A s t h e sky l i g h t e n e d p e o p l e c o u l d b e s e e n d i s a p p e a r i n g w i t h t h e i r lotis ( w a t e r c o n t a i n e r s ) , t h e n w e g a t h e r e d at t h e fires for tea. N a k k i asked if I'd c l e a n e d m y t e e t h , h a n d i n g m e a stick o f acacia for t h e j o b . C h e w spit, c h e w spit, for h a l f a n h o u r t o t h e r h y t h m o f d o u g h b e i n g slapped into shape. E v e r y m o r n i n g t h e same: h o t m i l l e t rati (flat b r e a d ) w i t h a s o u p o f masala, g h e e , salt a n d b u t t e r ­ m i l k . A t n i g h t t h e s a m e . F r e s h g o a t m i l k , o f c o u r s e , if y o u c o u l d s t o m a c h it a n d t h e i n e v i t a b l e tea, d r u n k as a n a p e r i t i f b e f o r e m e a l s , so s t r o n g a n d s w e e t it w a s like a n i n j e c t i o n o f a m p h e t a m i n e . P h a g u c l i p p e d t h e goats a n d w o u n d t h e h a i r i n t o skeins w h i c h h e w o u l d sell for r e a d y cash i n t o w n . After breakfast h e s e n t t h e s h e p h e r d s off w i t h t h e i r flocks — a n d i n s t r u c t i o n s . T h e

camels

w e r e let g o for f e e d i n g u n d e r t h e c h a r g e o f o n e u n t h w a l l a h . T h e n h e d i r e c t e d m e t o t a k e off w i t h m y o h so h u n g r y little c a m e l . I w a s r a t h e r p l e a s e d at t h e i d e a o f g o i n g b a c k o n m y o w n . B u t n o , Phagu had only been kidding. H e would c o m e with m e

and

n o t h i n g I c o u l d m i m e c o u l d dissuade h i m . A t t h e cafe I h a d a b u c k e t - b a t h i n a c o r n e r o f t h e k i t c h e n , offered P h a g u a m e a l w h i c h h e refused, r e t r i e v e d m y suitcase a n d b a c k w e w e n t t o t h e d a n g . I w o u l d h a v e g i v e n a n y t h i n g t o really c o m m u n i c a t e w i t h this m a n , tell h i m h o w m u c h I a p p r e c i a t e d w h a t h e was d o i n g a n d h o w a p o l o g e t i c I w a s at b e i n g s u c h a n u i s a n c e . B u t t h e w o r d s w e r e n o t available. W e t o o k tea t o g e t h e r i n M o r b i , s t a n d i n g o u t s i d e a d u s t y little d a b a r (roadside e a t e r y ) . I 119

b o u g h t s o m e l u c e r n e for m y c a m e l a n d as s o o n as w e r e a c h e d t h e dang, P h a g u explained to everyone that although the restaurateur h a d offered t o h e a t m e s o m e w a t e r t o b a t h e i n , I h a d m a d e d o w i t h c o l d . T h i s w o n m e b r o w n i e p o i n t s , as d i d t h e s h a r i n g o u t o f biscoot. A t a r o u n d t h r e e o ' c l o c k w e l o a d e d u p t o leave. B u t this w a s t o o a b s u r d . All t h e l u g g a g e w a s a g a i n p l a c e d o n R a m R a h i m . C o n ­ fusion a n d helplessness. O u t o n t h e r o a d , after spilling l u g g a g e for a radius o f t e n y a r d s , after a l m o s t l o s i n g a f i n g e r i n a s n a r l i n g o f r o p e s , after s h o u t i n g at local c h i l d r e n t o stay a w a y f r o m t h e camel's legs i n a l a n g u a g e t h e y c o u l d n o t u n d e r s t a n d , o r at s t u p i d y o u n g m e n w h o y a n k e d R a m R a h i m ' s n o s e l i n e so t h a t h e r o a r e d i n p a i n , I h a n d e d the line to Parma, indicated that I w o u l d catch u p w i t h t h e m at t h e n e x t s t o p p i n g p l a c e a m i l e o r so f u r t h e r o n , t r i e d t o i g n o r e t h e c a c o p h o n y a r o u n d m e a n d m y l u g g a g e , w a i t e d for a p a s s i n g r i c k s h a w , h e a v e d e v e r y t h i n g i n t o it, s q u e e z e d m y s e l f i n o n t o p o f it a n d p o i n t e d i n t h e d i r e c t i o n o f t h e d a n g . I r e a c h e d c a m p t o find P h a g u w a i t i n g for m e . H e l o o k e d at m y finger, i n s p e c t e d m y s h i n a n d said, ' T h i s is b a u taklif (big t r o u b l e ) for y o u a n d taklif for us.' ' B a u taklif,' I a g r e e d . W a s h e t h i n k i n g b e t t e r o f his d e c i s i o n a n d s e n d i n g m e h o m e ? I h a d t o a d m i t , t h e idea h a d a certain appeal. M y b o d y ached, I was ready to drop, I w a n t e d t o c r y . I w a n t e d t o kill t h e m o r o n s w h o g a t h e r e d a r o u n d m e gawping, pointing, shrieking, even now, within the precincts of t h e c a m p . T h e r e w a s n o respite f r o m t h e m , n o w h e r e t o h i d e f r o m t h e m . T h e y p r e s s e d ever closer, p o i n t e d m e o u t t o t h e i r c h i l d r e n , s c r a t c h e d t h e i r balls a n d stared. B u t m o s t o f all I c o u l d n o t b e a r t h e feeling o f b e i n g s u c h a liability t o m y h o s t s o r o f a t t r a c t i n g t h e s e locals i n s i d e t h e i r w o r l d . 'I tell y o u w h a t I w i l l do,' I s p o k e / m i m e d . 'I'll t a k e t h e l u g g a g e b a c k t o M o r b i a n d w a i t t h e r e u n t i l a j e e p c o m e s t o p i c k it u p . C a n I leave t h e c a m e l w i t h y o u ? ' 'Yes, y o u c a n , b u t h o w w i l l y o u stay o n y o u r o w n a n d w h e r e ? ' E v e n t h e simplest c o n v e r s a t i o n s t o o k t i m e a n d effort, so

how

c o u l d I e x p l a i n t h a t b e i n g a l o n e i n cities was m y n a t u r a l state. I t r i e d t o say t h a t h e m u s t n o t w o r r y a b o u t m e . I w o u l d

throw

m y s e l f o n t h e m e r c y o f t h e c i r c u i t - h o u s e , usually r e s e r v e d for travelling p o l i t i c i a n s a n d s u n d r y b i g w i g s . P h a g u d i d n o t like t h e 120

i d e a o f a b a n d o n i n g a w o m a n u n d e r his p r o t e c t i o n t o t h e evils o f a t o w n b u t h e h a d n o c h o i c e . N e v e r t h e l e s s , h e insisted o n c o m i n g i n t h e r i c k s h a w w i t h m e a n d t h e l u g g a g e , m a k i n g sure I g o t t h r o u g h t o D r R a m a K r i s h n a a n d t h a t I f o u n d a safe p l a c e t o stay. W e r a n g from o n e o f t h e t i n y S T D b o o t h s t h a t c a n b e f o u n d i n t h e r e m o t e s t c o r n e r s o f I n d i a . T h a t t h e y exist is s o m e t h i n g o f a m i r a c l e , so o n e s h o u l d n o t g r u m b l e t h a t t h e lines are o f t e n i n a u d i ­ ble. I h a v e r u n g t h e w o r l d from t h e s e b o x e s a n d feel a g r e a t affec­ tion a n d gratitude towards t h e m . I screamed into the receiver until m y face w a s r e d d e r t h a n t h e h e a t h a d already m a d e it. S e n d . . . j e e p . . . M o r b i . . . c i r c u i t - h o u s e . A t last t h e m e s s a g e g o t t h r o u g h . T h e n I handed the p h o n e to Phagu, thinking he might want to a d d s o m e t h i n g . H e t o o k it d u b i o u s l y , h e l d it a f e w i n c h e s f r o m his g o l d e a r r i n g , w h i s p e r e d a f e w w o r d s at it, s h r u g g e d a n d h a n d e d it back to m e . At the circuit-house

a most extraordinary thing

happened.

P h a g u b e g a n t o s h r i n k . O n t h e d a n g I t h o u g h t o f h i m as a n i m p o s i n g m a n i n w h o s e face a h e i g h t e n e d i n t e l l i g e n c e a n d a u t h ­ o r i t y w a s manifest. S o m e o n e y o u felt a little i n a w e o f a n d w a n t e d t o h u g at t h e s a m e t i m e . S o m e o n e so special t h a t his qualities w o u l d l e a p across a n y d i v i s i o n o f class, caste, c u l t u r e . W h i l e P h a g u s h r a n k i n this e n v i r o n m e n t , w i t h its g a r d e n s , b i t u m e n d r i v e w a y s a n d offices, I b e g a n t o fill o u t at t h e e d g e s . I w a s i n m y t e r r i t o r y , e x p l a i n i n g i n E n g l i s h h o w grateful I w o u l d b e if t h e r u l e s c o u l d b e b e n t a little as I f o u n d m y s e l f i n a s t r a n g e p r e d i c a m e n t . T h e man

agreed, t h e n glanced over to Phagu, indicating that

he

s h o u l d p i c k u p t h e l u g g a g e a n d f o l l o w us. I w e n t t o p i c k u p l u g g a g e t o o , b u t a p o r t e r c a m e a n d t o o k it f r o m m e . I n fluorescent

the

l i g h t o f t h e r o o m I w a s u s h e r e d i n t o I c o u l d see w h a t

t h e m a n a g e r s a w w h e n h e l o o k e d , o r r a t h e r d i d n ' t l o o k , at P h a g u - grubby turban, h u g e earrings, h u m b l e d shoulders. O n e of those c o l o u r f u l little d o t s t h a t m a k e u p t h e g r e a t b a c k d r o p o f I n d i a n life. H e w a s n o t r u d e t o P h a g u , n o t at all. B u t u n d e r his g a z e P h a g u c e a s e d t o exist. I h a d t o l d m y s e l f t h a t I w o u l d g e t u s e d t o this o r d e r i n g o f t h e world. Told myself that the curtness, or rudeness, or bullying, from o n e h i g h e r t o o n e l o w e r d o w n , w a s n o t necessarily h u r t f u l t o t h e o n e b e n e a t h , w h o , i n his t u r n , w o u l d b e h a v e i n t h e s a m e m a n n e r 121

t o t h o s e b e n e a t h h i m . It w a s s i m p l y a signal s t a t i n g o n e ' s level i n t h e p y r a m i d , r e c o g n i z e d b y b o t h sides i n t h e i n t e r c h a n g e as c o r ­ r e c t f o r m . B u t I d i d n o t g e t u s e d t o it, t h e n o r later. A n d it gave m e a n o t h e r r e a s o n for l i k i n g t h e p e o p l e I travelled w i t h . A l t h o u g h t h e y w e r e p r o u d o f t h e m s e l v e s as a caste, t h e y s e e m e d t o exist s o m e w h e r e outside t h e m o r e rigid hierarchies of settled people. In the m o n t h s ahead I never o n c e saw t h e m s h o w discourtesy to another

human

being, n o

matter

how

lowly, n o r

gratuitous

c r u e l t y t o a n o t h e r f o r m o f life. P h a g u r e t u r n e d to t h e dang in the rickshaw. I b o l t e d the door, c l o s e d t h e s h u t t e r s , t u r n e d off t h e lights a n d h i d .

10 ' N a r e n d r a , I ' m at M o r b i c i r c u i t - h o u s e . ' 'I k n o w . I've b e e n t r y i n g t o r i n g y o u . D o n ' t w o r r y . E v e r y t h i n g w i l l g e t s o r t e d o u t . N o w , w h a t I suggest is . . .' R a n g k a b h a i , t h e first R a b a r i I m e t , M a m u b h a i , t h e R a b a r i field

officer a n d t w o o t h e r m e n e m p l o y e d b y D r R a m a K r i s h n a

a r r i v e d t h e f o l l o w i n g day i n t h e d e p a r t m e n t j e e p . I w a s so grateful j u s t for t h e i r p r e s e n c e t h a t s o o n I h a d t h e m i n stitches, c h a r a d i n g t h e l o a d i n g o f l u g g a g e , t h e r u n n i n g after l a m b s , t h e p u n c h i n g o f s h e e p at n i g h t . M a m u e x p l a i n e d i n H i n d i t h a t e v e r y o n e , p e o p l e a n d a n i m a l s , h a d b e e n v e r y t i r e d after t h e i r fast days across t h e R a n n , so p r o b l e m s w e r e p a r t i c u l a r l y u n m a n a g e a b l e for t h e m at t h a t t i m e . A s t o t h e c o n f u s i o n o v e r t h e retrieval o f m y suitcase, h e e x p l a i n e d t h a t ' c h o r ' d o e s m e a n t h i e f b u t 'chhor' m e a n s t o a b a n ­ d o n . I n t h e linguistic m u d d l e t h e y t h o u g h t t h a t I w a n t e d t o g o b a c k to get the 'biscoot', and I t h o u g h t that they w a n t e d m e to. T h i s i n d i c a t e d h o w far t h e R a b a r i h a d e x t e n d e d t h e m s e l v e s o n m y behalf, w i t h o u t c o m p l a i n t , w i t h o u t q u e s t i o n , a n d at a t i m e w h e n it w a s m o s t difficult for t h e m t o d o so. I also u n d e r s t o o d a difference b e t w e e n m y s e l f a n d t h e m . T h e y h a d k n o w n life w a s difficult, a c c e p t e d it, s i n c e t h e y w e r e c h i l d r e n . A n d this b e i n g t h e case, t h e y d i d n ' t w a s t e effort fretting a b o u t it. W h e n t h e o t h e r s w e n t t o b u y f o o d R a n g k a a n d I w e r e left a l o n e a n d fell i n t o t h a t m u t u a l shyness b r o u g h t a b o u t b y a n i n t e n ­ sity o f l i k i n g . W h a t is it, this force o f a t t r a c t i o n , t h a t leaps across e v e r y b a r r i e r h u m a n s h a v e e v e r b e e n able t o c o n s t r u c t ? I n s i t u a ­ t i o n s like this, w h e n y o u are r e c e p t i v e t o t h e p o i n t o f r a w n e s s , y o u b e c o m e a c u t e l y a w a r e o f it. W e r e s p o n d t o e a c h o t h e r as i n d i v i d u ­ als for r e a s o n s n o o n e y e t k n o w s . Finally h e said i n his h a l t i n g 123

H i n d i t h a t p e r h a p s , if it w e r e t o o difficult for m e , I w o u l d like t o c o m e a n d live w i t h h i m a n d his m o t h e r a n d Jasu? T h e y w o u l d b e pleased t o have m e and I w o u l d n ' t have t o pay a n y t h i n g either. I e x p l a i n e d t o h i m as b e s t I c o u l d t h a t I d i d n o t m i n d r o u g h i n g it a n d t h a t t h e o n l y real h a r d s h i p was n o t b e i n g able t o s p e a k o r understand. B u t this was n o t t r u e . E v e r y t h i n g i n f u r i a t e d m e . T h e s t i m u l a ­ t i o n a n d u p r o a r , t h e s k i n n y b o d i e s a n d s t a r i n g faces, t h e p l u c k i n g , w h i n i n g b e g g a r s , m y o w n stifled o u t r a g e at so m u c h

unnecessary

suffering, so m u c h callousness, so m u c h i n d i f f e r e n c e m a s q u e r a d i n g as spiritual r e f i n e m e n t . If I h a d a n y k i n d o f c r e e d i n r e g a r d t o l i v i n g a m o n g strangers, it w a s this: o n e c o u l d c r i t i c i z e o n e ' s o w n p l a c e , i n d e e d o n e h a d a d u t y t o d o so, b u t w h e n

crossing a c u l t u r a l b o r d e r o n e

left

b e h i n d j u d g e m e n t s as t o h o w life s h o u l d b e o r g a n i z e d . E s p e c i a l l y w h e n y o u b e l o n g e d t o t h e c u l t u r e t h a t has t h e p o w e r t o d e ­ scribe, and misdescribe, O t h e r . In m y o w n w a n d e r i n g s I was h a p p y to surrender parts of w h a t h a d originally f o r m e d m e in e x c h a n g e for t h e n e w p e r s p e c t i v e s offered b y difference.

But

lately, b a t t a l i o n s o f j u d g e m e n t s h a d b e e n a r r i v i n g u n b i d d e n f r o m s o m e less e v o l v e d self a n d n o t h i n g I c o u l d d o w o u l d f e n d t h e m off. S o s t r o n g l y h a d 1 a d h e r e d t o t h e p r e v i o u s p o i n t o f v i e w — that y o u cannot j u d g e until y o u understand -

t h a t this

new

species o f t h o u g h t f r i g h t e n e d m e . W h a t w o u l d I b e c o m e if I a l l o w e d t h e m t h e i r space? W o u l d I b e c o m e t h e k i n d o f p e r s o n I despised? W e r e t h e y t r u l y n e w o r h a d t h e y b e e n l u r k i n g a r o u n d before? A l w a y s I'd b e e n d r i v e n b y a c o m p u l s i o n t o m a k e c o n t a c t w i t h t h e w o r l d , t o b e as a w a r e o f m y life as I c o u l d b e , t o w r e s t l e m e a n i n g o u t o f e v e n t - a n d t h a t c o m p u l s i o n lay at t h e h e a r t o f e v e r y t h i n g I d i d . Yet h e r e I w a s i n a t o w n l a y e r e d w i t h t h e s e d i ­ m e n t o f c e n t u r i e s , a t o w n full o f m a r v e l a n d n o v e l t y , a n d t h e t h o u g h t o f e x p o s i n g m y s e l f t o its pressing, h o u n d i n g c r o w d s w a s m o r e t h a n I c o u l d bear. I stayed i n s t e a d i n a d a r k , sealed r o o m , c o n s e r v i n g e n e r g y for t h e n e x t o n s l a u g h t . Yet t h e f o l l o w i n g day, after I h a d said g o o d b y e t o M a m u a n d R a n g k a , a n d t u r n e d to take m y place in the line of w o m e n , chil­ d r e n a n d c a m e l s s e t t i n g off i n t o n o w h e r e , s o m e a n c i e n t p a r t o f t h e 124

spirit s t i r r e d i n r e c o g n i t i o n , said this w a s w h a t o u r species w a s b u i l t for; this m a k e s e v e r y t h i n g else w o r t h w h i l e . T h e p r o c e s s i o n m o v e d a l o n g like a t r a i n o n its tracks, h a l t i n g o n l y at its d e s t i n a t i o n — a w i t h e r e d valley b e s i d e a d a m i n w h i c h buffalo w a l l o w e d a n d p e o p l e w a s h e d t h e m s e l v e s o r t h e i r c l o t h e s o r t h e i r b i c y c l e s . A r o u n d t h e r i m o f t h e d a m , twists a n d curls o f e x c r e m e n t s l o w l y l e e c h e d disease i n t o t h e w a t e r . O u r

drinking

supply. S h i t is rarely m e n t i o n e d i n t o u r i s t g u i d e s t o I n d i a . N o r are t h o s e p u b l i c l o o s i n w h i c h faeces fill t h e c o r n e r s a n d l i n e t h e walls as far as t h e c e i l i n g i n s u c h p o s i t i o n s as t o b e g g a r i m a g i n a t i o n . Shit in

the

gutters, o n

the

pavements, around

ruins

and

tombs,

in public gardens, sticking to y o u r shoes, littering the banks of d a m s a n d rivers, e n c i r c l i n g villages, p i l e d i n gullies a n d b e s i d e t h e d o o r stops o f t h e w e a l t h y , r e c y c l i n g its w a y f r o m b o d y t o b o d y o m n i p r e s e n t , h u m a n shit. I c a r r i e d m e d i c i n e for

dysentery and

a few

of the

other

t h i n g s I h o p e d I w o u l d n o t g e t . B u t o f all t h e t h i n g s I d i d n o t w a n t to get, I did n o t w a n t to get G u i n e a w o r m t h e

most.

G u i n e a w o r m is e n d e m i c , I w a s t o l d , a m o n g travelling p e o p l e who

had to drink from

o p e n w a t e r . T h e parasite e n t e r s

the

s y s t e m , finds its w a y t h r o u g h t h e b o d y t o t h e s k i n , usually o n a n a r m o r leg, t r a n s f o r m s i n t o a l a v u m a n d b u i l d s a little h o u s e for itself i n t h e f o r m o f a b o i l , w h e r e it p r o c e e d s t o replicate. T h e boil

eventually

bursts, releasing

packets

of

eggs

which

get

w a s h e d i n t o t h e w a t e r , r e a d y for t h e n e x t p i c k - u p . S o m e t i m e s , h o w e v e r , t h e parasite loses its w a y w i t h i n t h e b o d y a n d p o p s o u t , i n s t e a d , o n a n eyeball o r i n s i d e a n ear. I h a d b r o u g h t

a

w a t e r filter w i t h m e b u t w i t h i n a f e w days I gave u p o n it. W e m i g h t h a v e t o m o v e q u i c k l y , so t h a t a w a l k t o t h e w e l l a n d t h e h a l f h o u r spent

filtering

was o u t of the question. O r w e m i g h t reach

w a t e r after h o u r s o f w a l k i n g w i t h o u t a d r i n k . T o w a i t so l o n g for a c l e a n c u p

of w a t e r was b e y o n d

me. Eventually

I

de­

livered m y health to c h a n c e a n d d r a n k w h a t e v e r m y c o m p a n i o n s drank. On

that

first

evening

everyone

w a s especially

welcoming.

W o m e n f r o m o t h e r c a m p s c a m e b y t o share p r a s h a d — sticky sweets m a d e o f flour, m i l k a n d j a g g e r y . H o w t h e hell h a d t h e y 125

f o u n d t i m e t o t a k e t h e f o o d t o a t e m p l e for blessing? H o w h a d t h e y f o u n d t i m e t o c o o k it? ' T h i s is y o u r d a n g now,' t h e y said. ' Y o u w i l l see. Y o u w i l l e n j o y l i v i n g w i t h us.' N a k k i e x p l a i n e d , 'I a m R a n g k a bhai's p i u a n d t h e r e f o r e I a m y o u r b e n , b e c a u s e R a n g k a is y o u r b h a i a n d t h a t m e a n s Jasu is y o u r b a b i , so y o u m u s t n o t call h e r Jasu b e n , y o u call h e r Jasu babi,' w h i c h i n i t i a t e d a g e n e r a l discussion as t o w h o m y o t h e r fifty o r so relatives w e r e . T h e y w a n t e d t o k n o w m y a g e a n d l o o k e d a m a z e d w h e n I said f o r t y - o n e . I asked N a k k i h o w o l d s h e w a s . S h e l o o k e d at t h e g r o u n d for j u s t a m o m e n t t o o l o n g a n d e v e r y o n e w e n t silent. I h a d t h o u g h t she w a s i n h e r m i d seventies. S h e w a s j u s t seven y e a r s o l d e r t h a n m e . M y o w n c a m p was w e d g e d b e t w e e n t h e t w o branches of m y i m m e d i a t e family. O n o n e side, t e n feet away, w e r e N a k k i , P h a g u , Jaivi, L a t c h i , H a t t i a n d A r j u n ; o n t h e o t h e r side, L a k h m a , P a r m a ( h e r n i e c e ) a n d L a k h m a ' s h u s b a n d w h o m , it w a s q u i t e a p p a r e n t , s h e f o u n d a n u n s p e a k a b l e b o r e . S h e w o u l d let o u t

exasperated

little g r u n t s w h e n e v e r h e c a m e t o sit b y h e r , fan h e r h a n d i n front o f h e r face a n d c o u g h as s o o n as h e lit u p his c h i l l u m . T h a n k f u l l y h e w a s t o o d i m t o p e r c e i v e t h e effect h e h a d o n his b e l o v e d a n d puffed s m o k e l o v i n g l y at e v e r y s o u r n e s s . A l t h o u g h I w a s closer t o N a k k i i n age, it w a s really t h e t w o y o u n g w o m e n , Jaivi a n d P a r m a , w h o w e r e m y p e e r s a n d w i t h w h o m I was t o s p e n d m o s t o f m y t i m e . Jaivi w a s P h a g u ' s o l d e s t d a u g h t e r a n d secretly m y f a v o u r i t e . S h e w a s i n h e r t w e n t i e s , h a d t h e s a m e d r y h u m o u r as h e r father, a n d a face r o u n d a n d o p e n as a sunflower. P a r m a , m y ' c o u s i n ' , was t o u g h a n d u n c o m p r o m i s i n g , h e r b e a u t y m o r e m a s c u l i n e a n d a m b i g u o u s t h a n Jaivi's. L a t c h i , Phagu's

fifteen-year-old,

regarded the w o r l d w i t h that superior,

b o r e d air t h a t is so t i r e s o m e i n a d o l e s c e n t s a n d s p e n t m o s t o f h e r t i m e l o o k i n g i n t o h e r m i r r o r o r b e i n g c h i v v i e d for laziness. All w e r e g r u f f i n m a n n e r , so t h a t t o g e t m y a t t e n t i o n t h e y w o u l d d i g a f i n g e r i n t o m y a r m o r r i b s , l e a v i n g a b r u i s e . A f r i e n d l y p a t was a t h u m p . A playful t o u c h , a w h a c k . B u t t h e n , at o t h e r m o m e n t s , t h e y w o u l d display t h e u t m o s t d e l i c a c y i n kissing a p a l m o r t o u c h ­ i n g a face. W h a t m a d e t h e s e w o m e n so b e a u t i f u l w a s t h a t t h e y were incapable of m a k i n g a m o v e m e n t that jarred. 126

B y the light of the

flames

I w a t c h e d t h e m intently a n d was

struck by t h e singularity o f each character, here w h e r e there w e r e n o b o o k s , n o films, n o travel o u t s i d e o f G u j a r a t , n o n o t i o n a b o u t t h e rest o f t h e w o r l d — n o n e o f t h e t h i n g s o n e m i g h t associate w i t h the expansion and e n r i c h m e n t of personality. A s t h e faces c a m e m o r e i n t o focus t h e y b e c a m e q u e e r l y r e c o g ­ n i z a b l e . I c o u l d see P h a g u s t a n d i n g at a b l a c k b o a r d t e a c h i n g p a r t i ­ cle physics. O r P a r m a , w h e r e h a d I s e e n h e r b e f o r e ? O n t h e stage s o m e w h e r e ? Jaivi, I n o w saw, was m y f r i e n d J e n n y b u t t e n y e a r s y o u n g e r a n d w e a r i n g a b l a c k w i g . T h a t b r o a d face, w h i c h I h a d t h o u g h t o f as b e l o n g i n g t o J e n n y a l o n e , w a s h e r e r e p e a t e d i n Jaivi as a v a r i a t i o n o n a t h e m e . O v e r t h e r e w a s m y n i e c e as a n o l d , o l d w o m a n . T h e n I saw t h a t P h a g u w a s n o t a physics professor at all b u t a painting I had seen s o m e w h e r e . A V e r m e e r perhaps - that sideways g l a n c e , so familiar. T h e r e are o n l y so m a n y families o f face i n t h e w o r l d . I n t h e l i g h t o f t h e fire s i m i l a r i t y shifted t o difference a n d b a c k a g a i n . W h i c h w a s p a r a m o u n t : o u r similarities o r o u r differences? O n t h e s e c o n d day I t r i e d t o t a k e a b u c k e t - b a t h b u t t h e c h i l ­ d r e n f o l l o w e d t o w a t c h . Sacrificing cleanliness t o m o d e s t y , I left m y trousers o n . Later I learnt h o w to bathe by w a t c h i n g N a k k i . S h e sat o u t s i d e t h e t a r p a u l i n , r u b b e d h e r h a i r w i t h g h e e , t h e n filled a b a s i n w i t h w a t e r a n d a little b u t t e r m i l k . S h e t o o k off o r n i a n d b l o u s e , r e v e a l i n g h e r breasts, b u t k e p t h e r skirt o n t h r o u g h o u t . T h e n Jaivi p o u r e d t h e m i x t u r e t h r o u g h h e r h a i r a n d o v e r h e r b a c k . S h e w a s h e d t h e u p p e r p a r t o f h e r b o d y a n d h e r legs a n d feet, t h e n s q u a t t e d o v e r t h e b a s i n t o c l e a n b e n e a t h h e r skirts. A f t e r ­ w a r d s she c o m b e d o u t l o n g g r e y curls w h i c h t u r n e d i n t o r i n g l e t s i n t h e s u n . W h e n h e r b r o t h e r - i n - l a w w a l k e d past, P a r m a

cau­

t i o n e d h e r a n d N a k k i lifted h e r b l a c k w o o l t o c o v e r h e r s e l f b u t i n a lackadaisical w a y — a m e r e g e s t u r e t o f o r m . H e r e o n t h e d a n g strict

purdah

is

impractical

and

everyone

understands

this,

b r o t h e r s - i n - l a w i n c l u d e d . H e tactfully l o o k e d t h e o t h e r w a y a n d d i d n o t p a u s e i n his stride. N a k k i ' s ablutionary methods were not m u c h good to me, h o w ­ ever, as I w o r e p a j a m a r a t h e r t h a n skirt. So, w h e n e v e r I c o u l d m a n a g e it, I w o u l d c a r r y m y b u c k e t far i n t o t h e s c r u b , h i d e m y s e l f as b e s t I c o u l d , c r o u c h e d i n a d i t c h p e r h a p s o r b e h i n d a r u i n e d 127

w a l l o r s p i n d l y t r e e a n d furtively w a s h , p a t c h b y p a t c h . A cavalier a t t i t u d e t o p u r d a h was o n e t h i n g ; for a w o m a n t o b e s e e n e x p o s i n g her nether regions quite another. T h e daily r o u t i n e w e n t s o m e t h i n g like this. B e f o r e first l i g h t I w o u l d w a k e v u l n e r a b l e a n d d i s o r i e n t a t e d a n d l o o k across t o Jaivi, e x p e c t i n g h e r i r o n i c g r i n — m y l a n d i n g l i g h t — o n l y t o see a G o r g o n . L o t s o f G o r g o n s . I h a v e b e e n t o l d t h a t m y early m o r n i n g face c a n fill a g r o w n m a n w i t h d r e a d , y e t I k n o w t h a t far f r o m glowering I a m almost unaware of any other h u m a n presence and a m still s u r f a c i n g f r o m t h e d e p t h s . B u t s o m e h o w o n e d o e s n o t e x p e c t n o m a d s t o suffer f r o m early m o r n i n g liverishness. H o w ­ ever, after s c o u r i n g p o t s w i t h m u d a n d g r i t , c h u r n i n g fresh g o a t m i l k b y h a n d i n t o b u t t e r m i l k a n d g h e e a n d clarifying t h e g h e e o v e r a fire, t h e gears o f social i n t e r c o u r s e w e r e o i l e d e n o u g h t o p r o c e e d w i t h t h e m o r e g e n i a l activity o f c o o k i n g . T h e n t o o t h c l e a n i n g , f o l l o w e d b y breakfast a r o u n d t h e fires. L a t e r t h e s h e p ­ h e r d s w o u l d p a c k s o m e r o t i i n a c l o t h , t a k e a p a n n i k i n for w a t e r a n d b e g i n t o separate t h e i r flocks. L a m b s w o u l d b e p u t t o m o t h e r s for a d r i n k ; t h e n e w b o r n a n d t h e sick k e p t b e h i n d w i t h

the

w o m e n t o b e t r a n s p o r t e d b y c a m e l . T h e m e n w o u l d g o off t o s o u n d s o f b l e a t i n g , b a a i n g a n d w o o d w i n d s . If t h e r e w a s a n y w o r k t o b e d o n e w i t h t h e flocks — i n j e c t i o n s , d r e n c h i n g , s h e a r i n g - this w o u l d b e d o n e b e f o r e t h e y left o r i n t h e e v e n i n g w h e n t h e y c a m e i n . P h a g u a n d a n o t h e r m a n w o u l d g o off s c o u t i n g , l e a v i n g t h e c a m e l s t o feed, g u a r d e d b y t h e u n t h w a l l a h , a n d t h e w o m e n t o s e w o r w a l k i n t o n e a r b y t o w n s o r villages for supplies. S o m e t i m e s t h e w o m e n w o u l d w a i t a l m o s t all day u n d e r t a r p a u l i n s ; s o m e t i m e s w e w o u l d leave i n t h e late m o r n i n g , t h e t i m i n g s a n d distances d e s i g ­ nated by P h a g u the night before. Half an h o u r before leaving t i m e t h e u n t h w a l l a h w o u l d b r i n g t h e c a m e l s i n , t h e y w o u l d b e fed a few pieces of roti, t h e n loaded up. A t first N a k k i insisted she l o a d m y c a m e l b u t g r a d u a l l y I c o n ­ v i n c e d h e r I c o u l d d o it myself. E v e n so, s o m e o n e w o u l d usually give m e a h a n d o r w a t c h , w i t h a m u s e m e n t , f r o m t h e c o r n e r s o f t h e i r eyes. D u r i n g t h e first w e e k o r so, t h e y w o u l d c h e c k w h a t I had d o n e — w h e t h e r I had tied the ropes tight e n o u g h and w i t h t h e c o r r e c t k n o t s — less o u t o f c o n c e r n for m e t h a n t h e t h o u g h t o f t i m e w a s t e d o n t h e r o a d , r e l o a d i n g . First, t h o s e e n v i a b l e 128

hand-

s t i t c h e d quilts (gudios) w o u l d b e p l a c e d o n t h e camel's b a c k , t h e saddle o n t o p . A h u g e g o a t - h a i r sack w o u l d t h e n b e t h r o w n o v e r t h e saddle, f o r m i n g t w o d e e p p o c k e t s e i t h e r side. I n t o t h e s e w e n t t h e c o o k i n g g e a r (shiny brass dishes a n d r o u n d clay p o t s , e a r t h e n h o t p l a t e s for c o o k i n g t h e r o t i , a n d little stainless steel tea cups) a n d across t h e t o p , e m b r o i d e r e d sacks o f f l o u r a n d f o o d , a n d t h e f e w little p e r s o n a l possessions e a c h p e r s o n c a r r i e d . O n c e this w a s s t r a p p e d d o w n , u p w o u l d g o t h e c h a r p o i , its f o u r legs p o k i n g at t h e sky. O n t o p o f it, t h e t a r p a u l i n , t i e d i n s u c h a w a y as t o f o r m pockets into w h i c h the lambs w o u l d be thrown. U p s i d e - d o w n brass w a t e r p o t s d e c o r a t e d t h e f o u r posts o f t h e b e d , r e a d y t o b e filled q u i c k l y if w e passed a w e l l . A n y o n e t o o ill t o w a l k ( a n d y o u h a d t o b e a l m o s t d e a d for that) lay t o s s i n g a b o u t a m i d s t t h e l a m b s , g r o a n i n g like a seasick sailor. F o r s o m e r e a s o n I w a s n e v e r able t o w o r k o u t ,

fifteen-year-old

L a t c h i always r o d e . S h e w o u l d c l i m b u p o n t h e h u g e o l d b u l l , o n e f o o t o n his k n e e , t h e n e x t o n his n e c k , t h e n w h o o s h , o n t o t h e c h a r p o i p e r c h e d t e n feet i n t h e air. H e r b l a c k o r n i w o u l d float off, r e v e a l i n g backless b l o u s e a n d c r e a m y skin. O n c e aloft s h e w o u l d b r u s h o u t h e r plait a n d p r e e n i n t o h e r m i r r o r . S o m e t i m e s little H a t t i w o u l d b e lifted u p b e h i n d h e r sister; s o m e t i m e s s h e w a l k e d w i t h t h e rest o f u s . A t first I f o u n d it h a r d t o d o w i t h o u t w a t e r . It w a s i m p o s s i b l e t o lift m y c a n t e e n d o w n f r o m t h e saddle w h i l e w e w e r e m o v i n g a n d it w a s u n t h i n k a b l e t o s t o p t h e c a m e l c a d e for s u c h a triviality as thirst. I t h o u g h t t o c o n q u e r this p r o b l e m b y s t o c k i n g u p o n o r ­ anges w h e n e v e r w e w e n t shopping. D u r i n g loading u p I w o u l d s e c r e t e o n e o r t w o i n m y p o c k e t s t o s u c k , s u r r e p t i t i o u s l y , as I w a l k e d a l o n g . B u t s o m e o n e w o u l d always see, so t h a t I w o u l d b e o b l i g e d t o share. (I n o t i c e d t h a t t h e y , t o o , e x p e r i e n c e d this p r o b ­ l e m a n d if t h e y h a d b o u g h t a n y t h i n g v e r y special i n t o w n w o u l d t r y t o h i d e it b e c a u s e if it w a s s e e n , it m u s t b e offered. I o n c e saw N a k k i c u r s e u n d e r h e r b r e a t h w h e n s h e saw s o m e local R a b a r i a p p r o a c h i n g j u s t as s h e w a s a b o u t t o t u c k i n t o h e r b i s c o o t . B u t w h e n t h e w o m e n sat w i t h h e r , p o l i s h i n g off t h e biscuits, y o u w o u l d h a v e t h o u g h t N a k k i h a d b r o u g h t t h e p a c k e t o u t for t h e m alone.) W e w o u l d p r o c e e d w i t h o u t s t o p p i n g unless w e passed a w e l l , t o 129

w h i c h several w o m e n w o u l d r u n t o fill p o t s w h i l e o t h e r s k e p t t h e c a m e l s m o v i n g . If w e s t o p p e d t o w a t e r t h e c a m e l s at a t r o u g h , L a t c h i w o u l d s w i n g d o w n f r o m h e r p e r c h as if s h e w e r e c l i m b i n g d o w n v i n e s t o fill t h e f o u r p o t s . W e m i g h t p i c k feed f r o m w a y s i d e trees t o feed t h e b a b y goats at n i g h t or, if t h e r e was a p a t c h o f p a r t i c u ­ larly n u t r i t i o u s f o d d e r , a l l o w o u r r a v e n o u s c a m e l s t o b r o w s e for a while. S o m e t i m e s w e w o u l d walk t w o miles, sometimes twenty, in a straight l i n e o r i n a circle, d e p e n d i n g u p o n w h e r e w e w e r e t o meet the

flocks

o r w h e r e t h e walls o f cactus a n d s t o n e — t h e

squares a n d r e c t a n g l e s o f s e d e n t a r y folk — d i r e c t e d u s . O n c e at t h e d e s i g n a t e d c a m p w e w o u l d seat t h e c a m e l s a n d unload. T h e charpoi w o u l d be u p e n d e d o n the ground, the lambs t i e d t o it b y t h e n e c k a l o n g l o n g leads, t h e n t h e g e a r s t a c k e d o n t o p , c u l m i n a t i n g w i t h t h e b e a u t i f u l quilts. M y o w n g e a r w a s a d o w n m a r k e t version of theirs — a fold-up a l u m i n i u m bed, an o d d assortment of bags, a couple of old eiderdowns, cushions and s h e e p ­ skins, a n d a t e n t w h i c h r e m a i n e d i n its w r a p p i n g . I s o o n d i s c o v ­ e r e d t h e r e a s o n for s t a c k i n g e v e r y t h i n g o n t h e b e d s . If y o u leave anything o n the g r o u n d , w h i c h I did in exasperation o n e night b e c a u s e I c o u l d n o l o n g e r s t a n d l y i n g o n a l u g g a g e rack, it w i l l h a v e b e e n e a t e n t o d u s t b y w h i t e ants i n t h e m o r n i n g . As s o o n as t h e u n l o a d i n g w a s d o n e , s o m e w o m e n w o u l d g o t o g a t h e r t h o r n b u s h u s i n g a l o n g w o o d e n p o l e t o p i c k u p t h e sticks a n d a d d t h e m t o t h e pile o n t h e i r h e a d s , w h i c h s p r e a d six feet w i d e a n d f o u r feet h i g h i n a t a n g l e d mass. O t h e r w o m e n w o u l d w a l k t o a w a t e r s u p p l y , a n y t h i n g f r o m t w o h u n d r e d yards t o a c o u p l e o f m i l e s away. T h e n t o t h e c o o k i n g : d o u g h w o r k e d t o a large slab i n a m e t a l dish, p i e c e s o f it t a k e n a n d r o l l e d b e t w e e n t h e p a l m s t h e n r i g h t over left, left o v e r r i g h t , t h r o w it a b o u t , p a t it, t u r n it, t h r o w it a g a i n u n t i l a p e r f e c t l y r o u n d , n i n e - i n c h - w i d e r o t i w i t h o u t a n y r e n t s w a s r e a d y for t h e h o t plate. A t night w h e n t h e animals and m e n c a m e in, w h e n t h e lambs had b e e n separated from their m o t h e r s and tied to the ropes, w h e n the n e w b o r n s h a d b e e n b r o u g h t to t h e relevant camps, t h e c a m e l s c a u g h t a n d t e t h e r e d , w h e n e a c h c a m p h a d lit its i n c e n s e a n d w a v e d it a r o u n d t h e o u t s k i r t s o f t h e d a n g t o w a r d off evil, w h e n little j o b s like h a f t i n g n e w sticks f r o m e u c a l y p t u s b o u g h s , o r plaiting n e w ropes, or giving m e d i c i n e to the animals, or m e n d i n g 130

e q u i p m e n t was c o m p l e t e - t h e n , at last, t h e s h e p h e r d s c o u l d rest w i t h t h e i r families, t h e h a p p i e s t t i m e o f day. T h e y w o u l d sit d o w n w i t h t h e s a m e e x p r e s s i o n w i t h w h i c h t h e y g o t u p — a d e e p sigh a n d ' E e e h , B h a g w a n ' , usually f o l l o w e d b y a n e x h a u s t e d silence, t h e n l a u g h t e r a n d a r e c o u n t i n g o f t h e day's e v e n t s . T h i s w a s t h e o n l y t i m e t h e y g o t t o lie o n t h e b e d s , t h o u g h m o s t often, t h e y , t o o , sat o n quilts o n t h e g r o u n d . After f o o d , t h e r e w o u l d b e a g e n e r a l d i s c u s s i o n o f t h e n e x t day's p l a n s . O u r c a m e l s w e r e t e t h e r e d t o p e g s i n t h e g r o u n d at n i g h t , R a m R a h i m so close t o m y c o t t h a t w e could w h i s p e r to each o t h e r in the darkness. U s u a l l y I w o u l d sit b y t h e fire w i t h m y family a n d t r y t o p a r t i c i ­ pate

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c o n c e n t r a t i o n w a s t o o m u c h for m e . I was s l e e p i n g a n average o f t w o t o t h r e e h o u r s a n i g h t . W h e n t h e day's w o r k w a s d o n e , I w o u l d sometimes go to m y cot and pretend to doze but m y m i n d g r o u n d a l o n g , filled w i t h a g r i t o f a n x i e t y , w h i c h m u s t b e a k i n t o t h e frustrations o f t h e n e w l y b l i n d , o r i n v a l i d e d . I c o u l d n o t speak. I c o u l d n o t u n d e r s t a n d . I m u s t speak. I m u s t u n d e r s t a n d . T h e n I w o u l d hear, ' R a t t i b e n , f o o d is r e a d y ! ' a n d m y s t o m a c h w o u l d k n o t u p as if I w e r e a b o u t t o e n t e r a n e x a m i n a t i o n for w h i c h I was u n p r e p a r e d . O n e e v e n i n g I s h o w e d t h e m a n article I h a d w r i t t e n i n a m a g a ­ z i n e . It c o n t a i n e d p i c t u r e s o f m e a n d m y c a m e l s i n Australia. P h a g u h e l d t h e b o o k u p s i d e d o w n o r i n q u i r e d a g a i n a n d a g a i n if t h e p e r s o n i n t h e p i c t u r e s w a s m e , if t h e p i c t u r e s w e r e i n m y c o u n t r y o r another. I saw t h e i m m e n s i t y of the gap of c o m p r e h e n ­ s i o n b e t w e e n us, t h e g a p o f m e a n i n g , w h e r e b e f o r e I h a d s e e n o n l y o u r affinity. T h e faintest l o o k o f wistfulness c a m e i n t o his face. W h e n I t h o u g h t o f his e d u c a t i o n o f his d a u g h t e r s , o f his s t r i v i n g for a n d p r i d e i n t h e m , I s u d d e n l y w a n t e d t o p u t m y b o o k away, as if m y j o y i n r e a d i n g e m p h a s i z e d his e x c l u s i o n f r o m t h e w o r l d o f t h e literate. B u t this p r o t e c t i v e r e s p o n s e o f m i n e w a s mirrored by h i m whenever I betrayed ignorance of the modes of e x i s t e n c e i n his w o r l d , w h e n e v e r it b e c a m e o b v i o u s t o h i m t h a t I was treading water a l o n g way from shore. O n e n i g h t I was h u d d l e d o n m y c o t f e i g n i n g sleep w h e n s u d ­ d e n l y t h e d o g s w e n t b e r s e r k . T h e m o o n w a s so b r i g h t I c o u l d see a figure r u n n i n g flat o u t u p i n t o t h e r o c k y hills. T w o s h e p h e r d s 131

t o o k off after h i m , w a v i n g t h e i r sticks. All I c o u l d t h i n k w a s h o w b r a v e t h e t h i e f w a s , o r h o w d e s p e r a t e . A s it was o n l y t h e loss o f o n e l a m b , a n d as t h e r e w a s o b v i o u s l y n o c h a n c e o f g e t t i n g it b a c k , t h e i n c i d e n t w a s a n o c c a s i o n for f u n a n d e x c i t e m e n t m o r e t h a n anger. P a r m a c r e p t u p b e h i n d H a t t i , lifted h e r a r m s i n a n a r c h e ­ t y p a l g e s t u r e a n d , l e a p i n g i n front o f h e r , said t h e K u t c h i e q u i v a ­ l e n t o f boo\ H a t t i s q u e a l e d a n d d i v e d u n d e r t h e quilts o f t h e b e d . S h e w a s t h e m o s t l o v e d ( a n d t h e m o s t spoilt) o f c h i l d r e n . S h e o r d e r e d e v e r y o n e a b o u t , h a n d raised i n a fist, c h i n o u t ,

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h e r skirts i m p e r i o u s l y . H e r o l d e r sisters p l a i t e d a n d d e c o r a t e d h e r hair, e n c o u r a g i n g a n already o v e r d e v e l o p e d v a n i t y . A n d at n i g h t , w h e n h e r b i g b r o t h e r s c a m e i n , t h e first t h i n g t h e y asked for w a s H a t t i , w h o c l i m b e d all o v e r t h e m , gave t h e m c h e e k . A h a n d raised t o slap w o u l d s e n d h e r i n t o h y s t e r i c a l giggles; she k n e w it w o u l d n e v e r b e d e l i v e r e d . H e r r u d e n e s s was s e e n as a c h a r m i n g i n d e p e n d ­ e n c e o f m i n d b y h e r family - a n e c e s s a r y t r a i n i n g i n s t u b b o r n n e s s . I l i k e d H a t t i b u t f r o m a safe distance. A n d it w a s clear t h a t t o h e r I w a s t h e s t u p i d e s t p e r s o n o n e a r t h . N o t o n l y c o u l d I n o t talk, I c o u l d n o t c o o k a decent roti. ' H o w c o m e y o u r s are p e r f e c t a n d m i n e are like this?' I said t o Jaivi o n e e v e n i n g . P h a g u a n s w e r e d , ' B e c a u s e she has b e e n d o i n g it s i n c e she w a s a child.' B u t t h e y a p p r e c i a t e d t h e effort — a n o t h e r o c c a s i o n for h i l a r i t y . T h e y l a u g h e d a l o t t h e s e p e o p l e . The

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a d u l t s , c h a t t e d o n as if I c o u l d u n d e r s t a n d t h e m a n d s e e m e d n o t t o r e q u i r e t o o m a n y replies. E v e r y o n e w a s a w a r e o f m y p a r t i c u ­ lar f o n d n e s s for N a g j i . H e w a s t e a s e d a b o u t it b u t n e v e r t h e l e s s w o u l d fetch u p m o s t e v e n i n g s o n m y c o t , s m o k i n g his c h i l l u m i n c o m p a n i o n a b l e silence. I w a t c h e d H a t t i p l a y i n g w i t h a g r e e n plastic d o l l w h i c h s h e h a d dressed i n bits o f r a g a n d o l d d o g c h a i n . S h e d r a g g e d it a r o u n d i n a l e a t h e r c l o g w i t h u p t u r n e d t o e — a c h a r i o t travelling across c o n ­ t i n e n t s , w o r l d s p e r h a p s . D r y c a m e l d r o p p i n g s t i e d i n bits o f plastic b a g w e r e g o l d a n d p r e c i o u s g e m s . O n a n o t h e r day I h a d o b s e r v e d her in deep contemplation of a dead lamb. She dropped a rock o n its h e a d e x p e r i m e n t a l l y . T h e r e was a n i n s c r u t a b l e l o o k o n h e r face w h i c h was chilling nevertheless. T h e d a n g w a s a t r a i n i n g g r o u n d for t h e c h i l d r e n . T h e little girls 132

h a d t h e i r o w n p i e c e s o f play e m b r o i d e r y a n d c a r r i e d small brass p o t s o n t h e i r h e a d s . A t n i g h t t h e y m a d e p r e t e n d r o t i . T h e smallest b o y s s m o k e d biris a n d c h i l l u m s . S o o n t h e s e angels w o u l d b e g i n leaving c a m p in the m o r n i n g s w i t h the m e n , w r a p p e d in their w h i t e t u r b a n s , c a r r y i n g t h e i r sticks, calling t o t h e s h e e p - m a r r i e d a n d r e s p o n s i b l e m e n , e a r n i n g t h e i r o w n l i v i n g at t h e a g e o f e i g h t or nine. O n e n i g h t after t h e l i g h t i n g o f t h e i n c e n s e w e v i s i t e d P h a g u ' s b r o t h e r Pala's c a m p for bhajjans

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w o u l d start t h e first l i n e o f a s o n g , his c o m p a n i o n s j o i n i n g i n . T h e n the w o m e n w o u l d begin, huddling together u n d e r their black w o o l , c o m p e t i n g w i t h the m e n , keening their lungs out, l a u g h i n g w h e n s o m e o n e g o t t h e w o r d s w r o n g , o r felt a little shy. T h e y sang a s o n g a b o u t R a t t i b e n , m y ancient namesake, w h o h a d lain b e t w e e n t h e b o d i e s o f t w o slain m e n - o n e a R a b a r i , t h e o t h e r a n e n e m y — t o p r e v e n t t h e i r b l o o d f r o m m i x i n g . T h e y d r a n k tea a n d sang u n t i l t h e stars s w u n g past m i d n i g h t . T h e y sang t h e m s e l v e s into intoxication. It w a s as if t h e y t o o k a spiritual b a t h i n t h e m u s i c , t h e i r t r o u b l e s w a s h e d away w i t h s o n g s as o l d as t h e s u b c o n t i n e n t . A n d I was s t r u c k o n c e a g a i n at t h e i r i n t i m a c y w i t h e a c h o t h e r — t h e b o n d s a m o n g t h e m c o n t i n u a l l y s t r e n g t h e n e d , like c a l c i u m laid d o w n i n a b o n e , by singing, or sharing prashad, or sewing each other's mats, o r s m o k i n g e a c h o t h e r ' s c h i l l u m s . H o w c o m f o r t i n g it m u s t b e t o pass t h r o u g h life's s t o r m s always w i t h t h e s u p p o r t o f t h e g r o u p infusing e v e r y a c t i o n a n d e v e r y t h o u g h t w i t h o n e v o i c e e x t e n d i n g from the t i m e of one's ancestors d o w n t h r o u g h the generations, saying, 'It is all r i g h t . W e are all h e r e . T h e r e is n o s u c h t h i n g as alone.'

11 B u t t h e a n c e s t o r s w e r e t o o far b a c k i n t i m e for t h e i r v o i c e s t o r e a c h m e a n d w i t h e a c h day m y i s o l a t i o n f r o m m y c o m p a n i o n s grew. T h e y h a d w e l c o m e d m e i n t o t h e w a r m t h o f t h e i r c o m m u n ­ ion; n o w I was o u t in the cold watching t h e m t h r o u g h a window. T h e y w o u l d see m e p e e p i n g at t h e m a n d t u r n away as if t o say, W h y are y o u l o o k i n g at us? G o away! W h a t h a d b e g u n w i t h g o o d w i l l w a s a t r o p h y i n g for t h e w a n t o f l a n g u a g e t o n o u r i s h it. I h a d i m a g i n e d I c o u l d u n d e r s t a n d , t h r o u g h a k i n d o f p r e - l i n g u a l sign l a n g u a g e , q u i t e c o m p l e x i n t e r a c t i o n s , as if I c o u l d j u s t m a n a g e t o stay afloat o n a n o c e a n o f i n c o m p r e h e n s i o n . T h e t r u t h w a s I w a s going under. T h e r e w e r e m o r e t h a n f o r t y p e o p l e o n t h e d a n g . Jaivi said d i s p a r a g i n g l y , ' W e c a n r e m e m b e r all o u r s h e e p . H o w c o m e y o u can't r e m e m b e r o u r n a m e s ? ' S h e m a d e m e d r a w a m a p o f t h e camps, t h e n w r i t e the names and the degrees of relationship. T h e y t e s t e d m e . W h o is t h a t b o y o v e r t h e r e a n d w h o is his m o t h e r ' s sister's d a u g h t e r ? 'Samji n a t t i ! ' D u r i n g t h e day w e s h e l t e r e d f r o m t h a t p o i s o n o u s s u n u n d e r a t a r p a u l i n . T h e w i n d r u s h e d u n d e r it, g u s t i n g h o t g r i t i n t o o u r faces. H o u r u p o n h o u r o f u n p a r a l l e l e d b o r e d o m as w e w a i t e d t o shift c a m p . T i m e s t r e t c h e d o u t as it d o e s i n d r e a m s . I b u r i e d m y s e l f i n P r o u s t , his c o o l , p r i v i l e g e d w o r l d . M a r c e l w a s w a k i n g u p , e n ­ c h a n t e d b y t h e s o n g s o f peasants selling t h e i r w a r e s b e n e a t h his w i n d o w . H e lay i n w h i t e sheets; s o o n h e w o u l d p u l l t h e bell for F r a n c o i s e t o b r i n g h i m his m o r n i n g coffee. I t i p t o e d o u t

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t h e b e d r o o m i n Paris a n d l o o k e d u p . P r e s s e d against m e , t h e w o m e n s t i t c h e d , b l e w s n o t o u t o f t h e i r n o s e s , spat a n d b e l c h e d . 134

T h e r e w e r e a c o u p l e o f m e n u n d e r t h e t a r p w i t h us, s h i v e r i n g w i t h fever. O n e c r a w l e d o u t t o v o m i t . N a k k i r u b b e d his legs a n d a r m s w i t h r a w o n i o n . B a b y goats c o v e r e d i n sores d r a n k f r o m o u r w a t e r p o t s a n d u r i n a t e d o n o u r m a t s . T h e air w a s m o s t l y dust. T h e h o r i z o n p r o m i s e d n o t h i n g b u t dust. W h e r e w a s I? W h y w a s I here? I tried to write notes but the words ran out, evaporated into t h e b l u e a b o v e . I h e a r d t h e m t a l k i n g a b o u t m e . I n t h a t forest b e t w e e n sleep a n d wakefulness I u n d e r s t o o d , w i t h i m m e a s u r a b l e relief, t h e i r w o r d s . I t r i e d t o fix t h e m i n m y b r a i n for later, k n o w ­ i n g t h e futility o f t h e exercise. M y e v e r y d a y m i n d w o u l d close o v e r t h a t fertile p l a c e like p a r k i n g l o t c e m e n t . I w a s s u s p e n d e d i n a vast l o n e l i n e s s as p u r e a n d c r u e l as t h e sky. T h e w o m e n w e r e talking to m e . I w a n t e d t o grab m y h e a d and shake the c e m e n t o u t o f it. T h e y s h o u t e d as if t o a d e a f p e r s o n o r a n i d i o t . T h e y p u t the p e n in m y hands, indicating that I w r i t e and r e m e m b e r names — u n c l e s , c o u s i n s , m o t h e r ' s sisters h u s b a n d s — t h e n a j a b i n t h e ribs. ' R a t t i b e n , c h a pio.' N a k k i was s t a n d i n g o v e r m e w i t h a c u p o f tea i n h e r h a n d . I m u s t n o t sleep t h e r e . S c o r p i o n s . It w a s t i m e t o move camp. I h a d n o t slept m o r e t h a n t w o h o u r s a day for h o w m a n y days? T e n ? T w e n t y ? I h a d lost all sense o f t i m e . I h a d a s o a r i n g t e m p e r a ­ t u r e a n d c o u l d b a r e l y swallow. T h e y t a u n t e d m e c o n s t a n t l y : ' I f y o u ' r e ill, y o u ' d b e t t e r g o b a c k t o B h u j . . . A r e n ' t y o u t i r e d yet? So tired that y o u ' l l have to go b a c k t o Bhuj?' D o t h e y really w a n t m e t o leave? H o w m u s t I b e h a v e ? I d o n o t u n d e r s t a n d w h a t is g o i n g o n a r o u n d m e . I h e a r t h e m t a l k i n g a b o u t m e t h e w h o l e t i m e , t u r n i n g m y p r e s e n c e o v e r like a r o c k . W h a t are t h e y saying? - I h a d set u p m y t e n t , h o p i n g for sleep b u t t h e s h e e p s p e n t all n i g h t j u m p i n g o n it a n d t w o s p e n t t h e n i g h t i n s i d e it. T h e y r u b b e d t h e i r n o s e s o n it so t h a t g l o b s o f a n t h r a x g r e e n s n o t h u n g off it i n t h e m o r n i n g . A n o t h e r n i g h t I d r a g g e d m y s w a g a b o u t fifteen feet o u t s i d e t h e flock a n d fell i n t o u n c o n s c i o u s n e s s . N o o n e saw m e as t h e y h a d g o n e t o a n u n c l e ' s c a m p t o sing. B u t I w a s w o k e n b y t h e w o m e n - b l a c k ghosts against a b a c k g r o u n d o f stars. T h e y o r d e r e d m e back t o m y cot. I seethed w i t h rage. D i d n ' t they 135

u n d e r s t a n d t h a t I c o u l d n o t k e e p g o i n g w i t h o u t sleep?

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l a u g h e d , p e c k e d at m e . T h e i r fingers d u g , b o n y as w i t c h e s . ' I f y o u sleep o u t h e r e , P h a g u w i l l s e n d y o u b a c k t o B h u j . ' H o w I h a t e d t h e m . T h e s h e e p a n d goats c h e w e d a n d d i g e s t e d

and

c o u g h e d . T h e y w e r e so full o f disease t h e y w e r e b a r e l y alive, y e t t h e y c h e w e d t h e c o u n t r y i n t o dust. T h e g r e a t g r i n d i n g s t o m a c h o f I n d i a , e v e r y t h i n g f e e d i n g off e v e r y t h i n g else. W h e n I w o k e e a c h m o r n i n g it w a s t o d r e a d . I m u s t face t h e m . I m u s t sit a n d eat w i t h t h e m . S o m e t i m e s t h e y s m i l e d at m e

or

l a u g h e d b u t I c o u l d n o t r e a d t h e i r faces. T h e y l o o k e d at m e s i d e ­ ways and t h o u g h t their o w n t h o u g h t s . T h e y h a d n o inkling w h a t t o r t u r e it was t o b e u n a b l e t o s p e a k , u n a b l e t o o r d e r t h e w o r l d i n a n y w a y , e x p o s e d a n d w r e t c h e d i n a p l a c e w h e r e e v e n t h e sky w a s s t r a n g e . M y o t h e r life w a s u n i m a g i n a b l e t o t h e m a n d so t h e r e ­ fore w a s t h e d e g r e e o f stress — solitary c o n f i n e m e n t a n d sleep deprivation combined. T h e c o u n t r y w a s b u t c h e r e d , n o t h i n g b u t r u b b l e a n d dust. N o t h ­ ing invited the eye or the soul. T h e light beat t h e colour o u t of everything. B l u e b e c a m e w h i t e . G r e e n , a dull grey or d u n . O n l y t h e w o m e n ' s b l a c k w i t h s t o o d t h e d o m i n a t i o n o f s u n , like t i n y r e n t s i n t h e s h e e t o f light. T h e m e n i n w h i t e m e r g e d w i t h s h e e p o r r o c k s a n d b e c a m e invisible. I n t h e e v e n i n g t h e flocks p o u r e d o u t o f t h e r a v i n e s . W h e n t h e y a r r i v e d i n c a m p , t h e d u s t was u n e n ­ d u r a b l e . T h r o u g h o u t t h e n i g h t t h e a n i m a l s , p a c k e d close a r o u n d m e , s c r a p e d t h e m s e l v e s against m y c o t . I w h i p p e d at t h e m w i t h a r o p e i n fury. I d a m a g e d m y e l b o w s a n d h a n d s b y p u n c h i n g t h e m . S o m e t i m e s it h a p p e n e d t h a t I c o u l d n o t g e t w a t e r for m y s e l f as m y c o m p a n i o n s h a d n o t t o l d m e w e w e r e t o b r e a k c a m p early. I h a d n o w a y o f f i n d i n g o u t h o w far I m i g h t h a v e t o w a l k w i t h o u t a d r i n k . I w a s as helpless as a n infant. I w e n t b y m y s e l f t o a n e a r b y t r a i n siding, n a m e l e s s t o a n y o n e b u t its o c c u p a n t s . P e r h a p s t h e r e w o u l d b e a s h o p . S o m e t h i n g c o o l . M a y b e e v e n ice. T o step o u t o f t h e s h a d e w a s t o feel n a u s e a . It w a s already a u t u m n . H o w d o t h e y survive the s u m m e r ? H o w does anything? Just a

five-mile

walk

a n d at t h e e n d o f it s o m e t h i n g c o o l . S o m e t h i n g different. A n d I c o u l d b e o n m y o w n d u r i n g t h a t five m i l e s if I c o u l d avoid b e i n g s e e n . I a p p r o a c h e d t h e s i d i n g , p u l l e d a n o r n i over m y face. A r u t t e d street, d u s t y trees, a f e w sick d o g s w i t h ribs like p i a n o keys, 136

p a n t i n g in t h e shade. A line of track ran o n e w a y to n o t h i n g a n d lost itself i n n o t h i n g i n t h e o t h e r d i r e c t i o n . A l o n g t h a t line, f r o m o n e e n d o f n o r t h I n d i a t o t h e o t h e r , I i m a g i n e d i d e n t i c a l clusters o f h u t s , t h e s a m e c o w s n o s i n g g a r b a g e , t h e s a m e c h i l d r e n i n rags a n d silver, eyes filled w i t h flies. I n e i t h e r d i r e c t i o n t h e r e w a s n o w h e r e to go. T h e r e w a s a s h o p , t h e u s u a l s h a c k d i s t r i b u t i n g g o o d s f r o m tins a n d sacks, e v e n h e r e t r i c k e d o u t t o e n t i c e w i t h

cheap

little

g e e g a w s . N o ice, b u t o r a n g e s o d a t h e t e m p e r a t u r e a n d c o n s i s t e n c y o f b l o o d . I d r a n k f o u r b o t t l e s . P e o p l e b e g a n t o collect. H a s t i l y I b o u g h t sweets — h a r d e n e d , s p u n s u g a r c o v e r e d i n g r e y d i r t — a n d hurried back to camp. S o m e t i m e s w e passed t h e o u t s k i r t s o f villages, w h i c h t o

me

w e r e d e f i n e d b y w h e t h e r t h e y m i g h t h a v e a t e l e p h o n e a n d if so h o w I m i g h t g e t t h e r e . If I c o u l d h e a r N a r e n d r a ' s v o i c e , if I c o u l d express e v e n o n e fluent t h o u g h t , I c o u l d k e e p g o i n g . I c o u l d r i n g for K o j u a n d t h e j e e p . A n i n t e r p r e t e r f r o m s o m e w h e r e . T h e v i l ­ lage m i g h t b e so close y o u c o u l d see its detail. W h y d i d t h e y refuse t o l e t m e go? It w o u l d t a k e a n h o u r a n d a half t o w a l k t h e r e , a n h o u r a n d a half t o w a l k b a c k , a n d b y t h e n it w o u l d b e nightfall a n d t o o d a n g e r o u s t o b e o u t a l o n e . W a s t h a t it? P e r h a p s t h e y k n e w t h a t p a r t i c u l a r village h a d n o p h o n e ? O r w e r e t h e y k e e p i n g m e h e r e o u t o f s h e e r spite? S o m e t i m e s N a k k i

would

a n n o u n c e t h a t w e w e r e all g o i n g t o a village t h e f o l l o w i n g day a n d I w o u l d g o t o b e d c u r l i n g a r o u n d t h e i d e a o f t o m o r r o w as if it w e r e m y c h i l d . T h e n , w h e n it w a s t i m e t o b r e a k c a m p i n t h e m o r n i n g , w e w o u l d leave t h e v i c i n i t y o f t h e village a l t o g e t h e r a n d w a l k i n t h e o p p o s i t e d i r e c t i o n . T h e desire t o talk w a s like s o m e fantastic h u n g e r ; t h e y w e r e m y t o r t u r e r s , k e e p i n g t h e f o o d j u s t b e y o n d reach. M a l a r i a b e g a n t o fell t h e s h e p h e r d s w h e r e t h e y s t o o d . M y o w n b o d y w a s slimy w i t h fever. I m u s t n o t g e t ill. I must n o t . . . O n e a f t e r n o o n , at last, t h e w o m e n d i r e c t e d m e t o g e t r e a d y ; w e w e r e h e a d i n g i n t o t o w n for i n j e c t i o n s a n d supplies. T h r e e m i l e s a l o n g a p a t h , t h e n o n t o t h e r o a d , all t h e w h i l e i m a g i n i n g N a r e n d r a ' s v o i c e - like b e i n g a l o n e o n a b o a t at n i g h t , t o s s i n g i n a s t o r m y sea b u t seeing t h e steady blink of t h e p o r t b e a c o n . T h e d o c t o r called m e i n t o his office a n d as usual t h e R a b a r i 137

t r o o p e d i n b e h i n d m e . H e l a u g h e d a n d sat t h e m d o w n , o r d e r i n g tea a n d w a t e r . ' I , t o o , a d m i r e t h e s e p e o p l e . T h e i r lives are v e r y hard.' ' Y o u ' r e t e l l i n g m e , ' I said. ' N o w y o u will go to m y h o m e n e x t d o o r a n d m e e t m y wife. T h e r e y o u w i l l h a v e a h o t shower.' I t u r n e d t o c h e c k w i t h N a k k i . 'It's all right,' said t h e d o c t o r . ' T h e y w i l l w a i t o u t u n d e r t h e s h a d e o n c e I have a t t e n d e d t o them.' I d o n o t e v e n r e m e m b e r his n a m e . B u t t o t h a t d o c t o r I o w e a p o r t i o n o f m y sanity. N o r d i d I care t h a t I a b a n d o n e d m y friends for t h e c o m f o r t s o f m y class. I s c r u b b e d a n d s c r u b b e d i n t h a t s h o w e r a n d I t h i n k I p r o b a b l y sang. H a l f a n h o u r l a t e r w e w e r e b a c k i n t h e streets, p u s h i n g u p s t r e a m against t h e r i v e r o f souls. I b o u g h t a b o x o f sweets t o t a k e t o t h e d o c t o r o n t h e w a y h o m e a n d as m a n y v e g e t a b l e s as I c o u l d c a r r y for t h e d a n g . T h e n I t o l d N a k k i t h a t I m u s t find a n S T D

b o o t h t o r i n g J o d h p u r . Yes, I

c o u l d g o b u t I m u s t b e q u i c k . ( T h i s she i n d i c a t e d b y s n a p p i n g h e r fingers.)

T h e y w o u l d w a i t for m e h e r e . I h u r r i e d off.

It t o o k a l o n g t i m e t o find t h e b o o t h . E v e r y o n e I a s k e d s e e m e d t o p o i n t i n a different d i r e c t i o n . T h e n , as usual, s o m e o n e f r o m t h e crowd I had gathered, about thirty people by now, t o o k c o m m a n d a n d l e d m e u p n a r r o w alleys a n d b e h i n d bazaars. T e n

people

c r o w d e d i n t o a r o o m t h e size o f a l a v a t o r y . B r e a t h i n g w a s difficult. Sweat saturated clothes. M y h e a d was bursting. T h e b o o t h wallah c o u l d n ' t g e t J o d h p u r . ( O h please, please.) After t e n m i n u t e s o r so, he handed the p h o n e to m e . ' M a d a m , t h e l i n e is v e r y b a d . Y o u m u s t s h o u t . ' I s h o u t e d , ' N a r e n d r a . . .' a n d t h e r e was his faint,

infinitely

l o n g e d for v o i c e . ' A r e y o u all r i g h t ? W h e r e are y o u ? S h o u l d I c o m e ? ' 'I c a n ' t talk n o w , ' I yelled. ' T o o difficult. Yes, I ' m all r i g h t . . . ' W h a t ? I can't hear you.' 'I'm all right . . .' B u t t h e l i n e h a d g o n e d e a d . I t r i e d t o r e a c h D r R a m a Krishna b u t could n o t get t h r o u g h . I p u t the receiver d o w n a n d t o m y s h a m e , i n front o f t h i r t y p e o p l e , w h o s e s t a r i n g faces c r a m m e d t h e d o o r w a y a n d p r e s s e d u p against t h e w i n d o w , I h i d m y eyes w i t h m y h a n d a n d c r i e d . I a l m o s t r a n b a c k t o o u r m e e t i n g p l a c e t o find t h a t a s h e p h e r d 138

h a d c o m e f r o m t h e flocks t o tell us t o w a i t i n t o w n , w h i c h w e d i d for f o u r h o u r s . A s w e d i d n o t k n o w w h e n w e w o u l d b e l e a v i n g I c o u l d n o t g o b a c k t o t h e t e l e p h o n e n o r c o u l d I d e l i v e r t h e sweets. F o u r h o u r s . W e sat o n t h e s c o r c h i n g p a v e m e n t o r t o o k t u r n s l y i n g o n a n a r r o w w o o d e n p l a n k h a l f s h a d e d b y a wall, n e x t t o a n o p e n l a t r i n e w h o s e s t e n c h m i x e d w i t h t h e smells o f r o t t i n g g a r ­ b a g e , c o o k i n g oil a n d spice. Fifty yards d o w n o u r gully w a s t h e m e a t m a r k e t . P e o p l e s i p p e d tea b e s i d e a m o u n d o f s t e a m i n g offal — c h i c k e n s ' h e a d s a n d feet, g o a t s ' s t o m a c h s , o t h e r less r e c o g n i z a b l e p i e c e s o f a n a t o m y b e i n g s h o v e l l e d i n t o w o o d e n carts b y t h i n , glistening m e n u p to their knees in b l o o d and m u c k , naked to t h e waist, t h e s u n l i g h t p o u n d i n g d o w n o n t h e m like a h a m m e r r i n g ­ i n g o n a m e t a l lid s c r e w e d d o w n t i g h t . H e a t a n d light, flies w h i c h w h i r l e d a r o u n d t h e piles o f sticky sweets, t h e t e a c u p s , t h e c h i l ­ dren's eyes, t h e r u n n i n g pigs, t h e w o m a n i n crisp w h i t e sari s t e p p i n g d a i n t i l y a m i d s t t h e shit. A l o n g c a m e a m a n c a r r y i n g a l a r g e p y t h o n . H e w o r e rags; t h e r e w e r e w e e p i n g sores u p a n d d o w n his legs. H e

extracted

m o n e y f r o m p a s s e r s - b y b y t h r u s t i n g t h e snake i n t o t h e i r faces. H e saw m i n e a n d b o u n d e d over. F r o m u p close I s a w t h a t t h e snake's lips w e r e s t i t c h e d t o g e t h e r c r u d e l y w i t h s t r i n g a n d its m o u t h w a s b l o o d y a n d d e f o r m e d . It h a d n o l i m b s w i t h w h i c h t o s t r u g g l e , n o m o u t h t o p r o t e s t its fate. All its suffering w a s c o n d e n s e d i n its eyes w h i c h , i n m e m o r y , are h u m a n l y expressive. F r o m a c o m f o r t a b l e d i s t a n c e — let's say t w e n t y feet, t h a t is t o say t h e d i s t a n c e m o n e y c a n b u y y o u - t h e sight o f t h e m a n w i t h t h e s n a k e is m a r v e l l o u s , s o m e t h i n g t o c a p t u r e i n a l e n s . U p close it is m e r e l y t e r r i b l e . H o w o n e l o n g e d for t h e p o o r t o say, j u s t o n c e , ' W a r o n t h e palaces, p e a c e t o t h e c o t t a g e s ! ' Yet w h e n e v e r a l o o k o f fury r e ­ p l a c e d t h e s e l f - c o n t r o l o n t h e faces a r o u n d m e , fear w o u l d c r e e p u p m y b a c k a n d I w o u l d r e p e a l t h e i n s t i n c t for r e v o l u t i o n . B e c a u s e h e r e w o u l d b e n o vertical e r u p t i o n — t h e b o t t o m layer f o r c i n g its w a y t o t h e t o p - o n l y a lateral o n e i n w h i c h e v e r y o n e t u r n e d o n e v e r y o n e else, a w a r o f all against all. S o m e t i m e s I t h o u g h t t h e c o n f l a g r a t i o n m u s t b e i m m i n e n t a n d all t h a t w a s n e e d e d t o i g n i t e it w a s j u s t o n e m o r e c r o o k e d official, o n e m o r e l o r r y , o n e m o r e d e c i b e l , o n e m o r e s t i t c h e d - u p s n a k e t h r u s t i n t o o n e m o r e face b y one more hungry man.

*39

T h e s h e p h e r d c a m e t o fetch us. I d o n ' t r e m e m b e r h o w m a n y w e were, ten perhaps, c r a m m e d into a tin rickshaw. A t t h e e n d of t h e r i d e w e h a d a c o u p l e o f m i l e s still t o w a l k , c r o s s - c o u n t r y . B u t n o w t h e r e was a n a l t e r c a t i o n . T h e d r i v e r w a s w a v i n g his a r m s a r o u n d , d e m a n d i n g m o r e m o n e y . It w a s a m a t t e r o f five r u p e e s . I t o o k a w o m a n aside a n d said I w o u l d p a y . B u t N a k k i ' s sense o f injustice o v e r w h e l m e d h e r g r e e d . It w e n t o n a n d o n . T e n m i n u t e s , t w e n t y m i n u t e s . W h y d i d n ' t I j u s t h a n d five r u p e e s t o t h e m a n , t w e n t y , a h u n d r e d ? I d o n ' t k n o w . I d i d as t h e g r o u p d i d . W e h a d t w o sick c h i l d r e n w i t h us a n d o n e v e r y sick m a n . I s t o o d at t h e b a c k o f t h e g r o u p a n d t u r n i n g saw, for j u s t o n e m o m e n t i n t h e face o f t h e w o m a n n e x t t o m e , b e n e a t h t h e I n d i a n f o r b e a r a n c e , a d e s p a i r as o l d as t h e c o n t i n e n t itself. I p u s h e d t h r o u g h t h e w o m e n , h a n d e d t h e m a n five r u p e e s a n d w e set off across t h e fields. N a k k i m u t t e r e d t o h e r s e l f a b o u t c r o o k s a n d thieves. A r j u n w a s w e a v i n g f r o m side t o side as h e w a l k e d . D o w n h e w e n t . W e p i c k e d h i m u p . A n o t h e r h u n d r e d yards, d o w n again, m u m b l i n g t o h i m s e l f i n d e l i r i u m . T w o w o m e n s h o u l d e r e d h i m for a w h i l e , d i s t r i b u t i n g t h e i r h e a v y h e a d b u n d l e s a m o n g t h e rest o f u s . D o w n again. W e w a i t e d w i t h h i m for five m i n u t e s as h e lay m o a n i n g o n t h e g r o u n d . A n o t h e r h u n d r e d yards. A n o t h e r

five-

m i n u t e w a i t . A n d t h u s t o t h e d a n g . It w a s t i m e t o p a c k u p a n d m o v e , q u i c k l y . A r j u n w a s s h o v e d o n t o t h e c a m e l w i t h t h e sick and n e w b o r n lambs. W e walked twelve miles. T h e r e was n o m o r e o p e n c o u n t r y n o w ; w e c a m p e d always o n d a r k , p l o u g h e d fields. B l a c k dust, as t h i c k as p i t c h . S o m e days w e passed o t h e r g r o u p s o f R a b a r i w i t h t h e i r strings o f c a m e l s . E v e r y ­ o n e seemed to k n o w w h o they w e r e a n d w h e r e they were from. T h e r e w e r e m a n y d a n g s b e h i n d a n d m a n y i n front, w a v e after w a v e o f s h e e p spilling o u t o f K u t c h i n t o t h e fertile f a r m l a n d s o f Saurashtra. E v e r y n o w a n d t h e n t h e h a z y o u t l i n e o f a castle w o u l d a p p e a r o n t h e h o r i z o n , a small t o w n c l i n g i n g t o its skirts. W e s e e m e d t o b e c i r c l i n g it like t h e r i b b o n s o f a m a y p o l e . E v e n t u a l l y w e p u l l e d i n t o c a m p j u s t a c o u p l e o f m i l e s away f r o m it. I c o u l d see its V i c t o r i a n g o t h i c t o w e r s o n t h e o t h e r side o f t h e hill. W h e n I asked p a s s e r s - b y a b o u t it, t h e y t o l d m e it h a d b e e n t u r n e d i n t o a 140

g u e s t - h o u s e . I n a n y case w h e r e t h e r e is a palace, t h e r e is usually a telephone. T h e r e w o u l d be time to walk in to ring D r

Rama

K r i s h n a t o s e n d m y j e e p a n d a translator. T o b e able t o s p e a k w a s n o w m o r e i m p o r t a n t t o m e t h a n food. I did n o t let myself h o p e t o get through to Jodhpur. I crossed t h e fields t o a n e m p t y r o a d . B e f o r e l o n g a y o u n g m a n p u l l e d u p b e s i d e m e o n a b i c y c l e . ' W h e r e are y o u g o i n g ? ' I p o i n t e d u p t h e s t e e p s t r e t c h o f gravel a n d r o c k s t o t h e castle o n its summit. H e beckoned m e up behind him. A s it w a s clear t o m e t h a t I h a d fallen t h r o u g h a r a b b i t h o l e s o m e t i m e b e f o r e a n d w a s l i v i n g i n a reality i n w h i c h I f o u n d myself, w i t h o u t m u c h s u r p r i s e , d o i n g c u r i o u s e r a n d

curiouser

t h i n g s , I p e r c h e d s i d e - s a d d l e b e h i n d h i m , careful n o t t o

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h i m b y t o u c h i n g h i m , b u t i n d a n g e r , t h e r e f o r e , o f c a p s i z i n g us b o t h . ' W h e r e a m I? W h y a m I d o i n g this?' M y c h a u f f e u r puffed a n d w h e e z e d u n t i l w e r e a c h e d t h e castle gates b e y o n d w h i c h h e refused t o g o . ' H o t e l , ' I said, p o i n t i n g , t h e n a d d e d , ' C o m e i n for tea.' B u t h e s h o o k his h e a d . I offered

him

s o m e m o n e y a n d saw t h a t I h a d o f f e n d e d h i m . ( W o u l d I n e v e r g e t this right?) B u t h e said I m u s t d o s o m e t h i n g for h i m . F o r t h e life o f m e I c o u l d n ' t m a k e o u t w h a t it w a s . S o m e t h i n g a b o u t ' C h a r m a n n i ' and writing. ' D o n ' t u n d e r s t a n d . C o m e m o r n i n g R a b a r i o n hill.' I t u r n e d t o e n t e r t h e gates b u t h e w o u l d n o t let m e g o . T h e r e w a s u r g e n c y i n his v o i c e ; I h a d n o i d e a w h a t h e w a s saying. ' T o m o r r o w , ' I said, controlling hysteria and p o i n t i n g again d o w n t h e road. H e o p e n e d his m o u t h t o speak. ' G o away,' I said, less v i c i o u s l y t h a n I felt. T h e p a l a c e d i d n o t l o o k like a h o t e l . It l o o k e d like s o m e t h i n g o u t o f Grimm's

Fairy Tales. B u t t h e n I d i d n o t l o o k like a g u e s t . A

m a n w a s shifting f u r n i t u r e a b o u t i n a n a n n e x e , a graceful v e r a n ¬ d a h ' d r o w o f r o o m s . I c r u n c h e d across t h e w e e d - i n f e s t e d gravel o f t h e d r i v e , c o n s c i o u s o f m y u n s p e a k a b l y filthy k u r t a a n d e v e n f i l t h ­ ier c h u n n i a r o u n d m y h e a d . I l o o k e d d o w n at m y feet a n d h o p e d h e w o u l d n o t do the same. ' E x c u s e m e , I've b e e n t o l d this is a g u e s t - h o u s e . I w o n d e r , w o u l d it b e possible t o . . .?' 'Please w a i t . I'll b e w i t h y o u i n a m o m e n t . ' Thankfully h e did n o t s e e m to notice that h e was dealing w i t h 141

a h e a t - , t h i r s t - a n d f a t i g u e - c r a z e d , possibly d a n g e r o u s , p e r s o n a n d g r e e t e d m y arrival as if w e w e r e a b o u t t o c o n t i n u e a c o n v e r s a t i o n b e g u n t h e day b e f o r e . S o o n e n o u g h this g e n t l e m a n (for h e w a s c e r t a i n l y t h a t ) , c a m e o u t , r o l l e d d o w n his l i n e n shirtsleeves a n d l e d m e to the 'house'. ' U r n , y o u see I w o n d e r e d if this w a s a h o t e l b e c a u s e . . .' I w a s g u i d e d t o a c a n e table i n t h e vast s t o n e a t r i u m , asked t o w a i t , a n d left a l o n e . I t h o u g h t o f t h e s e c o n d s t i c k i n g b y , m i n u t e s wasted before I h a d t o go b a c k t o t h e dang. A l o n g t i m e later a s e r v a n t b r o u g h t m e a glass o f w a t e r o n a tray. I d o w n e d it i n o n e gulp. H e b r o u g h t another. 'Is this a h o t e l ? ' ' R a j a h sahib w i l l b e b a c k shortly.' E v e n t u a l l y m y h o s t r e t u r n e d i n crisp w h i t e k u r t a a n d freshly c o m b e d hair. H e s m e l t o f e x p e n s i v e soap, s a n d a l w o o d a n d m o t h ­ balls. H e

composed

himself in

the

chair

opposite

and

said,

'Livingstone, I presume.' I g o t t h e j o k e a n d asked S t a n l e y if this w e r e a h o t e l . B u t t h e m a h a r a j a h w a n t e d t o talk a b o u t t h e fate o f t h e R a j p u t r u l e r s after I n d e p e n d e n c e . A b o u t h o w difficult it h a d b e e n for t h e m .

He

w a n t e d to k n o w w h y m o r e wasn't w r i t t e n about t h e R a j p u t rulers after I n d e p e n d e n c e . H e w a n t e d t o k n o w w h y t h e rest o f t h e w o r l d w a s n o t as i n t e r e s t e d as it s h o u l d b e i n t h e R a j p u t r u l e r s after Independence. (The image of a steaming teacup and a bucket of w a t e r was f a d i n g like t h e C h e s h i r e cat's smile.) ' H m m , ' I said. ' Y o u see,' h e said, ' w e w e r e g r e a t e r t h a n t h e k i n g s o f E u r o p e b e c a u s e w e actually o w n e d t h e lives o f t h o u s a n d s o f p e o p l e . ' I t h o u g h t t h a t o w n i n g t h e lives o f t h o u s a n d s o f p e o p l e w a s p e r h a p s n o t s o m e t h i n g t o b o a s t a b o u t i n t h e s e t i m e s . B u t t h e n it struck m e that whatever times w e were in, they were n o t these o n e s so I said n o t h i n g . O c c a s i o n a l l y h e w o u l d ask m e a q u e s t i o n b u t t h e a n s w e r s e e m e d n o t t o p e n e t r a t e v e r y far. H e s u g g e s t e d I w r i t e a b o u t t h e R a j p u t r u l e r s after I n d e p e n d e n c e . I d i d m a n a g e t o ask if h e h a d a t e l e p h o n e . T h i s s e e m e d t o b e m u s e h i m for a m o m e n t , as if t h e m e n t i o n o f t e l e p h o n e s w a s d r a g g i n g h i m b a c k f r o m t h e k i n d s o f places w h e r e n o b o d y o f a n y c o n s e q u e n c e asked a b o u t t e l e p h o n e s . H e a n s w e r e d w i t h a v a g u e w a v e o f t h e h a n d . (A 142

t r a n s l a t o r f a d e d , a l o n g w i t h t h e tea a n d t h e w a s h . ) A t last I asked if I m i g h t h a v e s o m e m o r e w a t e r . T w o glasses o f g r e e n c o r d i a l w e r e b r o u g h t . I d o w n e d m i n e as a f o o t b a l l e r m i g h t at h a l f - t i m e . If t h e m a h a r a j a h n o t i c e d h e w a s t o o w e l l b r e d t o s h o w it. Trying to bring the conversation around to something in w h i c h I m i g h t b e able t o m a k e a n a p p e a r a n c e a n d i n w h i c h I c o u l d at least say o u t l o u d t h e n a m e o f m y f r i e n d for w h o m I f o u n d m y s e l f l o n g i n g i n a s e r i o u s k i n d o f w a y , I asked h i m if h e

knew

Narendra. ' O f c o u r s e . W h o d o e s n o t ? ' H e p a u s e d . ' B u t he's n o t a real prince, you k n o w ' T h e s u n w a s s i n k i n g . T h e m a h a r a j a h e x c u s e d himself. H e h a d s o m e R a j p u t pujas t o p e r f o r m . H e w o u l d h a v e his p e o n d r i v e m e b a c k t o t h e d a n g . I t h a n k e d h i m . H e said, n o t at all. ' B u t tell m e is this a h o t e l o r n o t ? ' ' H m m . P e r h a p s . ' T h e n h e w a s g o n e , s w a l l o w e d u p b y lost t i m e . D e s p i t e m y d i s a p p o i n t m e n t I c o u l d n o t focus a n y d e e p r e s e n t ­ ment

o n the maharajah. T h e function

o f a p r i n c e is n o t

to

i m a g i n e a n o t h e r ' s state b u t t o b e i m a g i n e d . I h a d n o t i c e d this o d d disengagement before in m a n y of the erstwhile kings — their inabil­ i t y t o h e a r w h a t y o u say, t h e a s s u m p t i o n t h a t t h e i r n e e d s are p a r a m o u n t a n d t h a t e v e r y o n e w i l l a u t o m a t i c a l l y fulfil t h o s e n e e d s . T h e narcissism is n o t i n s u l t i n g . It is t o o d e e p a b e l i e f t o b e i n s u l t ­ i n g . A n d it is n o t p e r s o n a l , it is f u n c t i o n a l . A p r i n c e is o n l y g i v e n m e a n i n g b y t h e r e v e r e n t gaze o f o t h e r s . H i s o w n eyes

look

b e y o n d a n d above. N o o n e w a s p r e s e n t at t h e table b u t Stanley. L i v i n g s t o n e m e l t e d back into the jungle. A n e w state o f a c c e p t a n c e d e s c e n d e d o n m e t h a t n i g h t o n t h e d a n g . I w o u l d n o t a u g m e n t difficulties b y p r o t e s t i n g against t h e m , as this o n l y l e d t o failure a n d w a s t e d e n e r g y . I c o u l d n o t affect e x t e r n a l events, all I c o u l d c h a n g e w a s m y o w n r e s p o n s e t o t h e m . A morsel of H i n d u i s m penetrated m y soul that evening. I n t h e m o r n i n g a b i c y c l e m a d e its s l o w p r o g r e s s across t h e fields. T h e w o m e n g r e e t e d t h e s t r a n g e r w i t h p o l i t e reserve. N a k k i cast m e l o o k s . It n o w b e c a m e clear (I h a d a p o c k e t H i n d i d i c t i o n a r y w i t h m e ) w h a t m y bicyclist w a n t e d . H e w a s a M u s l i m . H e h a d lost his j o b

143

here. H e was broke and h e was frightened. I must help h i m by w r i t i n g a letter to a G e r m a n tourist w h o m he had driven a r o u n d for a s h o r t t i m e b e c a u s e t h a t G e r m a n t o u r i s t w o u l d surely s e n d h i m a t i c k e t t o t h e w e s t . H e h a d p e d a l l e d t e n m i l e s f r o m his village t o m a k e this r e q u e s t . 'I can't w r i t e i n G e r m a n . ' ' T h e n in English.' I t o r e o u t a p a g e o f m y g r i m y n o t e b o o k a n d , after e x p e r i e n ­ c i n g s o m e difficulty i n f o c u s i n g m y t h o u g h t s , w r o t e t h e f o l l o w i n g : 'I a m a n A u s t r a l i a n visitor t o I n d i a . I a m w r i t i n g this l e t t e r o n b e h a l f o f a f r i e n d — a y o u n g m a n f r o m t h e village — w h o m y o u k n o w . I u n d e r s t a n d h e w a s y o u r d r i v e r for s o m e t i m e h e r e . H e is in trouble and in need of a j o b . H e hopes that perhaps y o u can offer h i m s o m e s o r t o f w o r k i n G e r m a n y . Please w i l l y o u w r i t e t o h i m at t h e a b o v e address. E v e n if y o u c a n n o t h e l p h i m , it w o u l d b e m o s t k i n d o f y o u t o w r i t e back.' I w a n t e d t o sign it A l i c e i n W o n d e r l a n d b u t t h o u g h t it m i g h t lessen t h e bicyclist's chances. H e c l u t c h e d t h e l e t t e r like a d r o w n i n g m a n a n d t o o k off. I w e n t t o collapse o n m y b u n k . S o m e t h i n g m o v e d b e n e a t h m e . I rose, h o r i z o n t a l l y , i n t o t h e air, w h i p p i n g t h e b l a n k e t o u t f r o m u n d e r m e at t h e s a m e t i m e . T h e r e w a s a s p i d e r t h e size o f a h y b r i d c l e m a t i s w i t h h a i r y legs a n d c h e l a t e d , s e r r a t e d m o u t h p a r t s so l a r g e t h e y c o u l d c u t t h r o u g h t e l e p h o n e cable i n o n e c h o m p . It w a s l o o k i n g at m e . It w a s n ' t p l e a s e d . I g r a b b e d Jaivi b y t h e o r n i a n d t u g g e d h e r over. S h e l o o k e d at t h e spider, l o o k e d at m e , a n d said w h a t I c a n o n l y s u p p o s e w a s t h e K u t c h i e q u i v a l e n t o f ' ' S o ? ' It w a s , i n fact, a r a t h e r fine s p e c i m e n o f w h a t is k n o w n as a c a m e l spider. I c l u b b e d it t o d e a t h . M y e n l i g h t e n e d a c c e p t a n c e o f t h i n g s as t h e y are lasted u n t i l w e r e a c h e d t h e o u t s k i r t s o f y e t a n o t h e r village, a d a y o r t w o , o r p o s s i ­ bly t h r e e o r four, later ( t i m e , h e r e , h a d t h e tensile capacities o f c h e w i n g g u m ) . I explained to P h a g u that I must, now, walk to that village t o r i n g for t h e j e e p . N o t h i n g w o u l d d e t e r m e . H e s e e m e d t o u n d e r s t a n d . H e w a t c h e d as I p a c k e d a little k n a p s a c k a n d w a t e r , w a t c h e d m y e x c i t e m e n t a n d h o p e b u i l d i n g a n d , as I w a s a b o u t t o set off w i t h m y stick a n d a j a u n t y w a v e t o m y friends w h o w e r e l o o k i n g at m e i n a d e a d s o r t o f w a y , h e s t o p p e d m e , saying, ' Y o u 144

g o t o m o r r o w , n o t today.' I stared at h i m , t h e n , w i t h o u t a w o r d , p a c k e d away m y t h i n g s a n d sat, s m o u l d e r i n g , o n m y c o t . S o m e ­ t h i n g t e r r i b l e h a p p e n s t o y o u r i n n a r d s w h e n y o u suppress t h a t m u c h a n g e r . T h e y t u r n i n t o snakes a n d b i t e e a c h o t h e r . T h a t n i g h t I d r e a m t that o u r c a m p was s u r r o u n d e d b y dacoits, e a c h w i t h six e n o r m o u s p e n i s e s . T h e h e a d s o f t h o s e p e n i s e s t o o k t h e f o r m o f t h e m o u t h p a r t s o f a c a m e l spider. I s l a u g h t e r e d t h e dacoits in various ways until t h e w h o l e d a n g was awash w i t h blood. I n t h e m o r n i n g I again p a c k e d u p m y things. P h a g u was r e l u c ­ t a n t t o let m e g o . 'I c a n ' t c o m e w i t h y o u , ' h e said b y w a y o f e x p l a n a t i o n a n d , I s a w n o w , a p o l o g y . I s h o o k his h a n d , l a u g h e d a n d said, 'I a m g o i n g . It is necessary.' H e w a l k e d a little w a y w i t h m e across t h e s t u b b l e

looking

c o n c e r n e d , h e s i t a t e d a n d e v e n t u a l l y said, ' J a o ' ( g o ) . A s I t u r n e d , t h e r e , c h a r g i n g across t h e fields, w a s a f u n n e l o f dust. O h n o b l e j e e p . O h blessed c o n t a c t w i t h t h e o u t s i d e w o r l d . I w o u l d h a v e g o n e d o w n o n m y k n e e s a n d w e p t w i t h g r a t i t u d e if P h a g u h a d n o t b e e n w a t c h i n g . A n d b e h i n d t h e w h e e l , like a cavalry flag, K o j u ' s p r o u d m o u s t a c h e , Koju's smile. H e h a d b r o u g h t m a i l , b a c k issues o f The New York Review

of Books a n d a l e t t e r f r o m N a r e n d r a .

A n d he had brought Praveen Singh ji from the Bhuj department w h o w a n t e d t o see h o w I w a s g e t t i n g a l o n g . W o r d s , w o r d s , b e a u t i f u l words. A n avalanche of words. T h r o u g h Praveen Singh w h o spoke Hindi, and Koju

whose

m u m b l e s a n d sign l a n g u a g e I h a d d e c i p h e r e d l o n g ago, w e w e r e able t o c o m m u n i c a t e at last. E v e r y d a y s p e e c h , e v e n at its m o s t basic, is a s u b l i m i n a l t r i m m i n g d e v i c e , k e e p i n g t h o u g h t s f r o m stray­ i n g t o o far off c e n t r e . W i t h o u t it y o u c a n find y o u r s e l f i n s o m e fairly p e c u l i a r m e n t a l places, especially w h e n y o u h a v e d e v e l o p e d a k i n d of hostage s y n d r o m e in relation to the p e o p l e a r o u n d y o u . N o w I saw, i n t h e e n t h u s i a s m w i t h w h i c h t h e y s p o k e t o

me

t h r o u g h Praveen Singh, that t h e inability t o c o m m u n i c a t e

had

b e e n f r u s t r a t i n g for t h e m as w e l l . T h e y had only j o k e d about m y going back to Bhuj because they t h o u g h t I n e e d e d cheering up. I did n o t look happy; they w e r e w o r r i e d for m e . T h e y felt b e t t e r if t h e y c o u l d m a k e

me

l a u g h b u t lately I h a d n o t b e e n l a u g h i n g at all. T h e y l i k e d h a v i n g 145

m e w i t h t h e m a n d t h e y w a n t e d m e t o stay, b u t I m u s t n o t sleep o u t s i d e t h e d a n g unless I h a d a pistol. T h e y w e r e r e s p o n s i b l e for m y safety. ' B u t I c a n n o t sleep,' I said, ' a n d I w o u l d r a t h e r die o f d a c o i t s t h a n o f e x h a u s t i o n . ' A c o m p r o m i s e was r e a c h e d . I c o u l d sleep i n s i d e t h e t e n t , j u s t o n t h e o u t s k i r t s o f t h e flock. B u t if I c o u l d n o t g e t a pistol, at least I m u s t k e e p a stick w i t h m e . T h e r e w a s a k i n d o f p a r t y t h a t n i g h t . O t h e r families c a m e b y h a p p y t o h a v e t h e c h a n c e t o ask q u e s t i o n s , m a k e j o k e s , b u t a b o v e all t o e x p l a i n t o m e h o w t h e d a n g o p e r a t e d , its d e e p structure. ' Y o u see, this is w h y w e c o u l d n o t let y o u g o i n t o t o w n . ' 'Yes, y e s , R a t t i b e n . N o w y o u u n d e r s t a n d w h y w e h a d t o leave t h e c a m p so early.' ' T h a t ' s r i g h t , w h e n y o u s a w t h e s h e p h e r d w a v i n g his t u r b a n f r o m t h e hill h e w a s i n d i c a t i n g w h e r e t h e flocks w e r e . ' ' N o , R a t t i , P h a g u is n o t p a i d a n y t h i n g t o b e a m u k k i b u t his e x p e n s e s are s h a r e d b y e v e r y o n e o n t h e dang.' T h e m o s t satisfying p i e c e o f i n f o r m a t i o n , as far as I w a s c o n ­ c e r n e d , was t h a t Pala b h a i , h a v i n g h e a r d o n t h e g r a p e v i n e (a far m o r e effective c o m m u n i c a t i o n n e t w o r k t h a t t h e S T D

booths)

t h a t I w a s p r o v i n g a n asset r a t h e r t h a n a liability, h a d s e n t w o r d w i t h P r a v e e n S i n g h t h a t I s h o u l d leave P h a g u ' s d a n g a n d j o i n his own. ' B u t this is h e r dang,' said P a r m a i n d i g n a n t l y a n d I assured h e r I h a d n o i n t e n t i o n of leaving. P h a g u filled i n t h e details o f his w o r k . U s u a l l y t w o m e n s c o u t e d a h e a d , i n c l u d i n g himself. T h e n i g h t b e f o r e h e w o u l d tell e v e r y o n e w h e r e t h e f o l l o w i n g day's r o u t e a n d c a m p w o u l d b e , w h e r e t h e w a t e r , w h e r e t h e g r a z i n g . If t h e r e w a s a n y c h a n g e t o t h e p l a n h e w o u l d c o m e back to inform the w o m e n . Otherwise they w o u l d head in the direction of the agreed place and either catch u p w i t h t h e flocks o r i n q u i r e . T h e s h e p h e r d s w o u l d leave special m a r k e r s to show w h i c h way they had g o n e or to indicate w h i c h track n o t t o take. P h a g u h i m s e l f m i g h t h a v e t o travel m a n y m i l e s a h e a d a n d if a b u s w a s available h e s o m e t i m e s t o o k o n e . M o s t o f t e n

he

walked. T h e m a i n i n c o m e along the way was from sheep droppings. 146

P h a g u w o u l d negotiate w i t h a farmer to camp o n a particular field. T h e s h e e p w o u l d eat t h e s t u b b l e (actually t h e y w o u l d c o n ­ v e r g e o n t h e field r a t h e r like v a c u u m cleaners) a n d o u t t h e o t h e r e n d c a m e r e a d y - m a d e fertilizer, t h e p a y m e n t for w h i c h be

distributed

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would dang,

a c c o r d i n g t o t h e n u m b e r o f s h e e p e a c h family h a d . O n c e P h a g u h a d n e g o t i a t e d t h e deal for t h e s h e e p shit, h e w o u l d leave his c l o t h w i t h t h e o w n e r o f t h e field t o c o n f i r m t o t h e graziers t h a t this field w a s b o o k e d . ' I f t h e h e a d o f a f a m i l y of, say, f o u r b r o t h e r s a n d o n e sister d e c i d e s t h a t o n l y o n e m e m b e r o f t h a t family s h o u l d g o o n t h e d a n g , t h e n t h e b r o t h e r s a n d sister w i l l give t h a t o n e a fixed w a g e for g r a z i n g t h e s h e e p , w h e t h e r o r n o t t h e r e is a n y profit

from

fertilizer, m e a t o r w o o l sales. If t h e r e is a profit, it w i l l l a t e r b e d i s t r i b u t e d a m o n g t h e m e m b e r s o f t h e family.' ' B u t surely this m u s t l e a d t o c o n f u s i o n s o m e t i m e s . W h a t y o u d o if t h e r e are d i s a g r e e m e n t s a m o n g y o u r s e l v e s , o r

do

with

outsiders?' ' T h e r e are n e v e r fights b e t w e e n o r a m o n g d a n g s . N o , n e v e r . P e r h a p s a m u k k i m i g h t chastise a y o u n g e r f e l l o w if h e d o e s n ' t f o l l o w t h e c o d e a n d grazes w h e r e h e s h o u l d n ' t . B u t that's all. If e v e r t h e r e is a p o l i c e case i n v o l v i n g o n e p e r s o n o f t h e d a n g w h o has, say, b e a t e n u p a thief, t h e n t h e m o n e y p a i d t o t h e p o l i c e t o a v o i d t h e case, o r a n y legal fees, w i l l b e p a i d b y all m e m b e r s o f t h e dang.' E v e r y o n e w a s fired u p b y t h e s e q u e s t i o n s . T h e y l o v e d t a l k i n g a b o u t t h e m s e l v e s a n d w e r e justifiably p r o u d o f t h e i r e x p e r t i s e . It h a d b e e n a g o o d e x c u s e t o stay u p late, t o share p r a s h a d a n d d r i n k tea; n o w p e o p l e b e g a n t o drift away t o t h e i r c a m p s t o t h e s o u n d o f grating knees a n d 'Eeeh, B h a g w a n s ' . A few chuckles a n d snatches o f s o n g c o u l d b e h e a r d d r i f t i n g across t h e sea o f s h e e p , t h e n silence. P h a g u lay b a c k o n t h e b e d , p u f f i n g his c h i l l u m a n d s t a r i n g u p at t h e sky. ' D o y o u k n o w t h e stars, P h a g u ? ' ' O h , y e s . I n t i m e s past w e R a b a r i n a v i g a t e d e n t i r e l y b y t h e stars. W e w e r e t h e p a t h f i n d e r s , w h i c h is w h a t o u r n a m e m e a n s . C e r t a i n c o n f i g u r a t i o n s gave t h e t i m e a n d p l a c e t o a v e r y a c c u r a t e d e g r e e . 147

B u t t h e s e days t h e r e are w a t c h e s a n d t h e c o u n t r y is closely settled, so t h a t d e g r e e o f k n o w l e d g e is l o s t . . .' ' A l r e a d y t h e r e are so m a n y

changes. I w o n d e r w h a t

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g r a n d c h i l d r e n w i l l b e like? H o w w i l l t h e y live?' ' P e o p l e tell m e t h e r e is n o f u t u r e i n w h a t I a m d o i n g a n d t h a t I s h o u l d sell m y flocks. B u t h o w c a n I w o r r y a b o u t t h e s e t h i n g s now?

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c o n c e n t r a t i o n . I ' m t o o c o n c e r n e d w i t h survival, R a t t i b e n , t o answer y o u r deep questions.' In the m o r n i n g there was a collection around, u n d e r

and

w i t h i n t h e j e e p . P e o p l e c l i m b e d o v e r t h e b o n n e t o r sat o n t h e r o o f r a c k . P a r m a p r e t e n d e d t o d r i v e it a n d t h e c h i l d r e n d e m a n d e d t o h a v e t h e i r breakfast i n s i d e it. Y o u n g m e n l i n e d u p at t h e r e a r - v i e w mirror to preen. I d r o v e t h e w o m e n i n t o t h e n e a r b y village for p r o v i s i o n s , w h i c h c o m p l e t e l y t u r n e d t h e i r h e a d s . O n t h e w a y b a c k m y sisters sat i n t h e front w i t h m e , h e a p i n g s c o r n o n m e r e p e d e s t r i a n s . P a r m a , t h i n k i n g I c o u l d n ' t u n d e r s t a n d h e r , a n n o u n c e d , ' T h i s is o u r taxi a n d R a t t i b e n is o u r driver.' I sent Koju b a c k to B h u j w i t h Praveen Singh, saying that h e s h o u l d b r i n g t h e j e e p a g a i n i n t e n days' t i m e . T h e r e h a d b e e n s o m e broad hints about keeping the 'taxi' w i t h m e and, although i n s o m e w a y s it w a s t e m p t i n g , i n s t i n c t t o l d m e it w o u l d c r e a t e m o r e p r o b l e m s t h a n it w o u l d solve. T h a t night, too, a few w o m e n from the other camps came by. N a k k i b e g a n t o tell m e w h y t h e y w o r e b l a c k . ( T h e y are c e r t a i n l y t h e o n l y R a b a r i a n d as far as I k n o w , t h e o n l y g r o u p i n I n d i a t o d o so.) T h e y w e r e so d e t e r m i n e d t h a t I s h o u l d u n d e r s t a n d , t h e s t o r y was repeated by o n e , t h e n another, each m a k i n g a t r e m e n d o u s effort t o b r i d g e t h e l a n g u a g e g a p b y m a k i n g m e w r i t e

down

s e n t e n c e s , cross t h e m o u t , r e w r i t e t h e m . ' L o n g ago, w h e n t h e R a b a r i lived i n Jaisalmer, t h e rajah fell i n love w i t h a y o u n g R a b a r i w o m a n w h o s e b e a u t y w a s f a m o u s for m i l e s a r o u n d . B u t h e r family said, " E v e n t h o u g h y o u are o u r k i n g , o u r d a u g h t e r c a n n o t b e m a r r i e d o u t s i d e caste." T h i s d i d n o t please t h e k i n g w h o w a s u s e d t o g e t t i n g his o w n w a y . T h e R a b a r i k n e w t h e y w o u l d h a v e t o flee a n d , sitting t o g e t h e r i n a circle, t h e y t h r e w salt i n t o a c u p o f w a t e r a n d d r a n k it, v o w i n g n e v e r a g a i n t o taste 148

t h e salt o f Jaisalmer. O f f t h e y w e n t i n t o t h e s e t t i n g s u n , t h e rajah's soldiers i n p u r s u i t . T h e r e w a s a massacre. R a t h e r t h a n s u c c u m b t o t h e k i n g , t h e y o u n g girl p r a y e d t o t h e g o d d e s s t o save h e r . H e r prayer was answered; m o t h e r earth o p e n e d and swallowed h e r up. E v e r s i n c e t h e n , w e R a b a r i w h o m a d e it t o K u t c h h a v e w o r n b l a c k as a sign o f m o u r n i n g a n d t h e p l a c e w h e r e t h e w o m a n d i e d is sacred t o us. T h e r e are n o m a r r i a g e s n o w b e t w e e n R a j a s t h a n i R a i k a a n d K u t c h i R a b a r i . O n c e y o u h a v e left a p l a c e t h a t h u r t y o u , y o u sever c o n n e c t i o n s . ' P e r h a p s , t h e y said, o n e day

they

w o u l d t a k e m e t o see t h a t place. O r , b e t t e r still, w e w o u l d travel t o g e t h e r as far as t h e H i m a l a y a s t o see t h e h o m e o f t h e g o d s . W h e n it w a s t i m e t o t u r n i n P h a g u l o o k e d o u t at m e

from

u n d e r his e y e b r o w s . ' S o , after D i v a l i , I s u p p o s e y o u h a d b e t t e r g o b a c k to Bhuj.' E v e r y o n e paused in m i d - m o t i o n ; there was a hush. I t o o k a d e e p b r e a t h , s c r e w e d m y fists i n t o m y face like a c h i l d a n d y e l l e d , 'Please, please, d o n ' t s e n d m e b a c k t o B h u j . ' W h e n t h e y h a d s t o p p e d l a u g h i n g , P h a g u w i p e d his eyes w i t h t h e e n d o f his t u r b a n a n d said, ' R a t t i b e n , y o u c a n stay w i t h us as l o n g as y o u like.'

12 'Tell u s a b o u t t h e t i m e y o u h a d t o leave y o u r l u g g a g e . . .' P h a g u b e g a n d e a d p a n b u t c o u l d n ' t g e t t h e rest o f t h e s e n t e n c e o u t . D u t i ­ fully I c h a r a d e d , for t h e u m p t e e n t h t i m e , s o r t i n g t h r o u g h suitcases, t h r o w i n g c l o t h e s a n d tins o f b i s c o o t t o t h e f o u r w i n d s . 'Tell us a g a i n y o u r father's n a m e . ' A n t i l G u i l d f o r d M o n t g o m e r i e N u g e n t Davidson. ' S h o w us h o w A r j u n w a l k e d b a c k from t h e d o c t o r . ' O n e t w o t h r e e f o u r five six b l a a g g g h — a n d I fell b a c k w a r d s i n a d r a m a t i c faint. If m y c o n t r i b u t i o n t o t h e m o r a l e o f t h e d a n g w a s t o b e P h a g u ' s s t r a i g h t m a n , I d i d n ' t m i n d t o o m u c h . W h e n t h e reality o u t s i d e o u r g r o u p was so t h r e a t e n i n g , h a r m o n y a n d l i g h t - h e a r t e d n e s s w i t h i n it w e r e essential a n d it w a s h e r e t h a t P h a g u ' s g e n i u s as a m u k k i m a d e itself m o s t a p p a r e n t . H e k e p t t h e m all l a u g h i n g , k n o w i n g t h a t if t h e y let life's p r o b l e m s w e i g h t h e m d o w n t h e y ' d b e six feet u n d e r s i n c e t h e i r lives w e r e n o t h i n g b u t p r o b l e m s . I d i s c o v e r e d s o m e t h i n g a b o u t m y o w n c u l t u r e , at least t h a t o f t h e p o s t - w a r g e n e r a t i o n : o u r a s s u m p t i o n t h a t life is n o t meant t o b e difficult, t h a t s o m e o n e o r s o m e t h i n g w i l l always b e t h e r e t o c a t c h a fall -

a b e l i e f t h a t is l o d g e d i n o u r c o r e , j u s t b e n e a t h

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t h o u g h t o f m y s e l f as resilient, as h a v i n g i n g e n u i t y a n d self-reliance i n m y g e n e s . N o w I k n e w h o w soft I w a s , h o w q u e r u l o u s , like t h o s e o l d w o m e n i n n u r s i n g h o m e s w h o m y o u h o p e t o hell y o u won't become. U n l i k e m y h o s t s I h a d t o l e a r n h o w t o b e cheerful i n t h e face o f adversity. It d i d n o t c o m e n a t u r a l l y . S o m e t i m e s I s e e m e d t o b e n o t h i n g b u t g r i e v a n c e a n d distress, like a h u m a n s t o r m l o o k i n g for 150

s o m e t h i n g to deluge. At such times I t h o u g h t their laughter cal­ lous a n d hated t h e m . T h e n , w h e n I t h o u g h t I could bear neither t h e m n o r myself a m o m e n t longer, their public toughness w o u l d p e e l away like a w a r t y skin, r e v e a l i n g sweetnesses, k i n d n e s s e s a n d reaches of compassion. R a m m i , walking an extra mile to s h o w m e a w e l l , t h e n c a r r y i n g h o m e m y w a t e r o n h e r h e a d . Jaivi, h i d i n g away s o m e p r a s h a d she h a d m a d e u n t i l I r e t u r n e d . N a k k i , t i p t o e ­ i n g o v e r t o m y b u n k at n i g h t a n d w h i s p e r i n g t o P h a g u , ' S h e is s l e e p i n g . S h e is tired. T o m o r r o w s h e m u s t eat m o r e . ' T h e g o o d w i l l i n p a r t i c u l a r k i n d s o f smiles, t h e ability t o e x t e n d t h e m s e l v e s for o t h e r s w i t h o u t a n y e x p e c t a t i o n o f g r a t i t u d e : t h e s e aspects o f t h e i r h u m a n i t y h a d t h e p o w e r t o h a u l m e o u t o f t h e p i t . I w o u l d f i n d m y s e l f c h u c k l i n g w i t h t h e m , a l m o s t against m y w i l l , u n t i l affection r e t u r n e d like fresh air b e h i n d a s t o r m . It w a s for this, t h e i r use o f l a u g h t e r as a survival tactic, t h a t I m o s t a d m i r e d t h e m . E s p e c i a l l y P h a g u , o n w h o m r e s p o n s i b i l i t y lay like a c e m e n t o v e r c o a t . H e h a d t o t h i n k a h e a d , p l a n a n d w o r r y for t h e m all, k n o w i n g t h a t o n e w r o n g d e c i s i o n c o u l d m e a n t h e e n d o f everyone's i n c o m e . H e had to b e diplomat, psychologist, hard m a n , soft m a n , e n t r e p r e n e u r , spiritual leader, g e n e r a l a n d p e a c e ­ k e e p e r . S o m e t i m e s , w h e n h e t h o u g h t n o o n e w a s l o o k i n g , his face set i n t o lines o f a n x i e t y , y e t i n his d e m e a n o u r t h e r e w a s n o t a t r a c e o f self-pity, n o t e v e n t h e t h o u g h t o f it. A m u k k i ' s p o s i t i o n is n o t a h e r e d i t a r y o n e . W h e n P h a g u b e g a n l o s i n g his e d g e o r b e c a m e t o o o l d for t h e j o b , h e w o u l d b e r e ­ p l a c e d b y a m o r e able m a n a n d t h e r e w o u l d b e n o loss o f face i n this. H e m i g h t c o n t i n u e g o i n g o n m i g r a t i o n u n d e r a n o t h e r ' s l e a d e r ­ ship o r h e m i g h t stay at h o m e a n d s e n d his sons a n d d a u g h t e r s . B u t w h i l e h e w a s m u k k i , t h e c o m m u n i t y g r a n t e d h i m a n d his f a m i l y a b s o l u t e respect, t h o u g h I felt sure t h a t i n this case t h e r e s p e c t spilled o v e r i n t o a d u l a t i o n b e c a u s e m e n o f P h a g u ' s calibre w e r e rare i n a n y p l a c e , a n y t i m e . T h e r e w a s a s u b t l e p o w e r e m a n a t ­ i n g f r o m o u r c a m p . O t h e r s g r a v i t a t e d t o it b e c a u s e h e r e w a s always t o b e f o u n d t h e h a p p i e s t s i n g i n g , t h e b e s t p r a s h a d , t h e w i t t i e s t j o k e s , t h e cleverest talk. A t n i g h t w h e n P h a g u c a m e i n f r o m his w a n d e r i n g s ( s o m e t i m e s h e w o u l d b e away for days), his eyes s u n k i n e x h a u s t i o n , it w a s clear h o w h i g h l y t h e y r e g a r d e d h i m . O n c e I saw P a r m a , w h o m I'd 151

secretly c h r i s t e n e d t h e I r o n V i r g i n , a d j u s t i n g t h e

folds

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s m o c k w i t h o u t his k n o w i n g ; all h e r c o n c e r n a n d love for h i m a l l o w e d a fleeting e x p r e s s i o n i n t h a t m o s t t e n d e r o f g e s t u r e s , r e c o g ­ n i z a b l e across c u l t u r e s , across a e o n s . O n e day P h a g u ' s j o k e w a s h a n d i n g m e his l o n g stick, a r o t i i n a sack, a t i n for w a t e r a n d o r d e r i n g m e t o h e a d o u t w i t h t h e flocks. I played m y part. E v e r y o n e giggled o n cue. Phagu hauled m e back, r e t r i e v e d t h e p r o p s , p u t his a r m a r o u n d m e a n d said, ' W h e n are y o u going back to Bhuj?' 'I'll never g o b a c k t o B h u j . . . B u t I w a n t t o c o m e w i t h y o u , scouting.' ' Y o u ' l l g e t tired,' said P h a g u . ' N o , I won't.' I g o t t i r e d . W e w a l k e d i n t o a village, o u t t o a f a r m , across s o m e fields, a r o u n d a talab ( d a m ) , b a c k t o t h e village, across m o r e fields t o a n o t h e r d a n g , u p hills, t h r o u g h ravines, m a d e a d e a l w i t h a farmer, m e t u p w i t h o u r shepherds a n d walked b a c k to a n o t h e r farm. T h a t was in t h e m o r n i n g . W h e n w e w e r e alone together, w e w e r e r a t h e r shy w i t h e a c h o t h e r , tacitly a g r e e i n g t o a b a n d o n t h e s t a n d - u p r o u t i n e . T h e frustrations o f s t r u g g l i n g t o

understand

e a c h o t h e r o n l y a d d e d t o o u r b u r d e n s , so w e lapsed i n t o silences m a d e e l o q u e n t , if n o m o r e c o m f o r t a b l e , b y g r i n s a n d sideways g l a n c e s . B u t e v e n if I h a d b e e n able t o s p e a k his l a n g u a g e , h o w m u c h o f P h a g u ' s w o r l d w o u l d I h a v e c o m p r e h e n d e d ? R e a l travel w o u l d b e t o see t h e w o r l d , for e v e n a n i n s t a n t , w i t h a n o t h e r ' s eyes. I k n e w t h a t m i g r a t i o n l e a d e r s o f t e n m e t u p t o discuss overall tactics, k n e w t h a t s h e p h e r d s g a t h e r e d a n d d i s s e m i n a t e d n e w s , b u t I c o u l d n o t see h o w it all fitted t o g e t h e r t o p r o d u c e t h e s e m i g h t y m o v e m e n t s o f a n i m a l s a n d m e n w h i c h , far f r o m b e i n g c h a o t i c affairs, h a d m o r e t h e q u a l i t y o f G e r m a n m a c h i n e r y . N o w I h a d a c h a n c e t o w i t n e s s h o w it w a s d o n e . W h e n e v e r w e c a m e across a n o t h e r grazier, o f w h a t e v e r caste o r r e l i g i o n , w h e t h e r i n t h e b a z a a r o r o n a l o n e l y hillside, P h a g u w o u l d first shake h a n d s w i t h h i m , t h e n p l u g i n t h e l a k r i o tar, t h e w a l k i n g - s t i c k t e l e g r a p h . N o s h e p h e r d w o u l d b e s e e n d e a d w i t h o u t his stick for l e a n i n g o n ( o n e l e g raised), h i t t i n g s h e e p , f i g h t i n g g u n d a h s (thugs) or, as o n e s h e p h e r d d e m o n s t r a t e d t o m e , k n o c k i n g t h e revolvers o u t o f p o l i c e m e n ' s h a n d s . It is a s y m b o l for pastoralists e v e r y w h e r e a n d 152

has g i v e n its n a m e t o t h e m i r a c u l o u s n e t w o r k i n g w i t h o u t w h i c h t h e o r g a n i z a t i o n a l feat o f m i g r a t i o n w o u l d b e i m p o s s i b l e . T w o pastoralists m e e t . T h e y s h a k e h a n d s . T h e y swap i n f o r m a t i o n . H o w m a n y s h e e p i n t h a t d a n g , w h e r e is it g o i n g , w h a t are t h e f a r m e r s like i n s u c h a n d s u c h a t o w n , has a c e r t a i n area b e e n b o o k e d b y any shepherds from

elsewhere, h o w

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t h r o u g h already, w h a t h a p p e n e d o n t h a t c a m e l d a n g , w h o d i e d o n t h a t s h e e p d a n g , h o w m u c h b r i b e w a s g i v e n t o t h a t forest officer, w h a t is t h e state o f t h e p e a n u t c r o p s i n area A , w h e n are t h e f a r m s i n area B h a r v e s t i n g , w h a t d i d W say t o X at village Y, h o w m u c h d i d it cost t o g e t s h e p h e r d Z o u t o f t h a t c o u r t case, a n d so o n . T h e r e are s o m e b e a u t i f u l m a t h e m a t i c s t o b e u n d e r s t o o d h e r e , o f t h e p e r m u t a t i o n , c o m b i n a t i o n k i n d . S o m u c h travelling a n d m e e t ­ i n g increases t h e c h a n c e s o f cross-fertilization o f i n f o r m a t i o n a n d c r o s s - c h e c k i n g o f facts. H o w e v e r , it also increases t h e l i k e l i h o o d o f e r r o r , t h a t ' n o i s e ' w h i c h d i m i n i s h e s t h e effectiveness o f a n y s y s t e m o f i n f o r m a t i o n , e l e c t r o n i c o r o t h e r w i s e . B u t t h e r e is v i r t u a l l y n o 'noise' in t h e pastoralists system. U n l i k e t h e w h i s p e r e d message s y n d r o m e i n w h i c h i n f o r m a t i o n passed f r o m p e r s o n t o p e r s o n is c h a n g e d o u t o f all r e c o g n i t i o n , t h e i n f o r m a t i o n d i s s e m i n a t e d b y t h e n o m a d s stays c o r r e c t i n t h e finest detail. I n t h e s h o r t t e r m it w o u l d o f t e n b e i n a n i n d i v i d u a l pastoralist's i n t e r e s t t o fib t o o t h e r s w h o are c o m p e t i n g for t h e s a m e r e s o u r c e s . Yet i n a larger, overall p a t t e r n it is i n e v e r y o n e ' s interests t o tell t h e t r u t h . I n o t h e r w o r d s , local, p e r s o n a l , s h o r t - t e r m g a i n is sacrificed t o c o m m u n i t y b e n e f i t w i t h n o o n e t o p u n i s h y o u if y o u b r e a k t h e r u l e - a n d this a m o n g p e o p l e w h o h a v e t u r n e d d i s s i m u l a t i o n i n t o a n art f o r m . O h , a d m i r a b l e n o m a d s . O h , h o p e for h u m a n i t y . A t last t h e d a n g lay s p r e a d o u t b e l o w us. S e a t e d c a m e l s f r i n g e d t h e e d g e o f t h e flock f r o m w h i c h arose t h e m i n g l i n g scents o f u r i n e , dust, i n c e n s e a n d n i g h t a n d t h r o u g h w h i c h , like a s t r i n g o f l a n t e r n s , w e r e little palaces o f air a n d firelight. A b o v e t h e m V e n u s , Sirius a n d a slice o f m o o n floated i n p u r p l e space. T h e t o w n w e h a d c o m e f r o m w a s o n l y a n h o u r ' s w a l k away b u t it b o r e

no

r e l a t i o n t o this m o v a b l e w o r l d u n d e r t h e stars. W e w e r e far f r o m e v e r y t h i n g , n o t j u s t i n space b u t i n t i m e . H a t t i b e l t e d m e i n t h e t h i g h i n g r e e t i n g . I raised m y fist at h e r , s e n d i n g h e r off i n t o giggles. 153

' E e e h , B h a g w a n , ' I said, c r e a k i n g t o t h e g r o u n d a n d l e a n i n g u p against t h e l e g o f a c h a r p o i . ' T a k e tea, R a t t i b e n . ' 'After y o u . ' ' N o , n o , y o u take.' ' N o , y o u first . . .' E v e n t h o u g h a c u p o f tea m i g h t b r i n g y o u b a c k f r o m t h e d e a d , it w a s n e c e s s a r y t o m a s t e r g r e e d , n e c e s s a r y t o b e h u m a n . Caffeine a n d sugar r e c h a r g e d t h e b l o o d , t h e h e a d s o f goats p r o t r u d e d t h r o u g h c u r t a i n s o f d a r k n e s s , s h e e p stared i n t o t h e fire, t h e w o m e n ' s e a r r i n g s s w u n g b a c k a n d f o r t h f r o m s h a d o w t o l i g h t , s h a d o w t o light, as fists p o u n d e d d o u g h a n d t h e day's stories w e r e t o l d — w e a v i n g t o d a y i n t o t o m o r r o w , lives i n t o Life. P h a g u lifted H a t t i i n his a r m s , kissed h e r p a l m s a n d s t r e t c h e d h i m s e l f o u t o n t h e b e d , his d a u g h t e r s n u g g l i n g i n t o his side. H e b e g a n t o t e a c h h e r t h e verses o f a s o n g , s i n g i n g a p h r a s e , w h i c h s h e r e p e a t e d , o v e r a n d over, u n t i l m e m o r i z e d . O t h e r

children

c a m e t o j o i n i n , c r a w l i n g u p o n t h e b e d , c u r l i n g like cats a r o u n d P h a g u w h o p l a i t e d b l a c k g o a t h a i r o r s m o k e d his c h i l l u m , o c c a s i o n ­ ally h a n d i n g it t o t h e little b o y s t o t a k e a puff. T h e s i n g i n g w e n t o n for a n h o u r o r m o r e , o c c a s i o n a l l y i n t e r r u p t e d b y l a u g h t e r a n d a hail o f affectionate t h u m p s if a n y o n e g o t t h e w o r d s w r o n g . W h e n it w a s t i m e t o eat, h e h a n d e d m e t h e g o a t h a i r h e h a d

been

w o r k i n g o n . It w a s a h a l t e r for R a m R a h i m . I w e n t t o m y little c a m e l , fitted t h e h a l t e r o n h i m , t i c k l e d his lips a n d b l e w i n his nostrils, t h e n lay for a l o n g t i m e l i s t e n i n g t o r u m i n a t i n g , c o u g h i n g animals, to t h e tink t h u n k of shepherds' sticks o n t h e r o c k s , t o l a m b s b e i n g b o r n , s c h l o o p , b e s i d e m y c o t , a n d s t a r i n g u p at t h e d a r k n e s s t h a t covers us all. I n t h e m o r n i n g w h e n w e m o v e d o n , t h e r e w o u l d b e n o t h i n g left b e h i n d t o m a r k o u r c a m p b u t little b l a c k circles w h e r e t h e fires h a d b e e n , a n d t r a c k s dissolving i n t h e w i n d . I had been with the dang about a m o n t h w h e n the jeep came b e a r i n g D r R a m a K r i s h n a a n d his family. H e h a d b r o u g h t m e d i ­ c i n e s for P h a g u ' s flocks a n d , for m e , w h a t I n e e d e d m o s t , f r i e n d ­ ship a n d t h e E n g l i s h l a n g u a g e . D i v a l i , t h e festival o f lights, w o u l d s o o n b e u p o n us a n d t h e village s h o p s w e r e s t o c k e d u p

with

f i r e w o r k s . I b o u g h t sparklers for t h e c h i l d r e n a n d s o m e firecrack­ ers for myself, as t h e p a c k a g i n g s p o r t e d a p o r t r a i t o f C h a i r m a n 154

M a o s u r r o u n d e d b y e x p l o d i n g c r a c k e r s a n d I n d i a n g o d s . It w a s a p r i z e o f k i t s c h a n d I p a c k e d it carefully away w i t h m y l u g g a g e . At the e n d of that w e e k e n d P h a g u prevailed u p o n m e to drive h i m b a c k t o B h u j t o see R a n g k a w h o h a d b r o k e n his l e g i n t h e h o m e village, a c o u p l e o f h u n d r e d m i l e s away. T h e w h o l e d a n g k n e w a b o u t t h e a c c i d e n t t h e day after it h a p p e n e d . W e

took

sweets for R a n g k a t h a t t h e w o m e n h a d c o o k e d a n d a g e t w e l l c a r d from m e , containing everyone's signature or t h u m b p r i n t . P h a g u c o u l d j u s t as easily h a v e t a k e n t h e b u s . T h a t h e insisted I d r i v e h i m showed that m y decision n o t to keep the j e e p w i t h m e

was

prescient. I had t h o u g h t the heat w o u l d never end, that Indian winter w o u l d p r o v e as fugitive as E n g l i s h s u m m e r . B u t o n t h e n i g h t o f m y r e t u r n f r o m B h u j , as g r e y n e s s r i m m e d t h e east like a p r i m i t i v e sea c r e e p i n g across lifeless littoral, m a r k i n g t h e m o m e n t at w h i c h I usually fell asleep, a k i n d o f q u e a s y c o o l n e s s c r e p t u n d e r t h e s h e e t . T w o h o u r s l a t e r t h e flies a n d t h e sun's h o t h a n d w o r r i e d m e a w a k e as usual. T w o t h i n g s w e r e different. T h e w a r m t h a r o u n d m e w a s i n m o t i o n . T h e shepherds were w e a r i n g blankets. After D i v a l i t h e w i n d s h a d s t a r t e d , j u s t as P h a g u said t h e y w o u l d . T o m e t h e y w e r e t h e offshore b r e e z e s o f a S y d n e y s u m m e r . T o t h e R a b a r i t h e y w e r e arctic blasts b r i n g i n g disease. S o o n a t h i r d o f t h e d a n g w a s suffering n o t o n l y m a l a r i a b u t i n f l u e n z a . If w e w e r e n e a r a t o w n o r village, w e w o u l d w a l k m i l e s t o see a d o c t o r . If n o t , w e s i m p l y k e p t g o i n g . T h e w o m e n n o

longer

e r e c t e d t h e t a r p a u l i n i n t h e m o r n i n g , so w e sat u n d e r a sky pitiless t o m y t r a n s p a r e n t skin. I h u n k e r e d d o w n i n t o t h e s h a d o w cast b y m y c o t like a w o r m e x p o s e d b e n e a t h a lifted r o c k . B u t t h e s u n s e l d o m c a m e sideways, p r e f e r r i n g i n s t e a d t o s t r i k e straight d o w n f r o m a b o v e . I felt ill a n d ate h a n d f u l s o f a n t i b i o t i c s w h i c h h a d n o effect, b u t I h a d l e a r n t n o t t o d w e l l o n m i s e r y , t o dismiss it as t h e y d i d o r t o u s e it as m a t e r i a l for c o m e d y r o u t i n e s . B o r e d o m w a s m o r e difficult t o c o n q u e r . N o o n e w h o has n o t sat for six, e i g h t , t e n h o u r s o n a b l a c k , p l o u g h e d field u n d e r a s i e n n a sky, day after day, w a i t i n g , e n t i r e l y d e p e n d e n t u p o n o n e ' s i n n e r life, k n o w s t h e t r u e m e a n i n g o f b o r e d o m . I d i d n o t h a v e t h e n o m a d ' s t a l e n t for i n s t a n t s l u m b e r as w h e n , d u r i n g t h o s e i n f i n i t e a f t e r n o o n s , t h e y p u t aside t h e i r e m b r o i d e r y a n d s n o r e d . O n e t u r n s 155

i n t o a z o m b i e i n s u c h c i r c u m s t a n c e s . T h e r e is o n l y e n o u g h o f o n e ' s b r a i n f u n c t i o n i n g t o register p a i n , n o t e n o u g h t o l e a r n a language. B o r e d o m

allowed

n o relief f r o m

either

fatigue

or

muteness. I h a d l o n g s i n c e u s e d u p Proust's p r o s e as t o i l e t p a p e r . T h o s e p a g e s saved b y fate, s c r e w e d u p i n t o little balls a n d d i s t r i b u t e d t h r o u g h m y j u n k , I n o w r e t r i e v e d a n d r e a d like p o e t r y , s a v o u r ­ i n g p h r a s e s w h i c h f o r m e d a lifeline b a c k t o t h e s h o r e o f a m o r e r e c o g n i z a b l e self. A r e c e d i n g s h o r e . T h e w o m e n had been promising to teach m e h o w to make a gudio, but s o m e h o w I had never managed to b u y the cloth during o u r forays i n t o villages. I d e t e r m i n e d t h a t t h e n e x t o n e w e v i s i t e d I w o u l d d o so a n d t h a t I w o u l d give t h e finished p r o d u c t , w h i c h w o u l d take w e e k s t o complete, t o N a r e n d r a . A n o p p o r t u n i t y s o o n p r e s e n t e d itself. A f i v e - m i l e w a l k t o find a doctor. T h e tiny surgery, a blue c e m e n t hole w i t h a light bulb, was filled w i t h s h i v e r i n g g r e y - s k i n n e d figures i n v a r i o u s G o y a e s q u e p o s e s a r o u n d t h e floor. O n o n e side w a s a trestle l i t t e r e d w i t h o l d needles and a few bottles of antibiotic and chloroquinine. T h e d o c t o r sat b e h i n d a r i c k e t y t i n d e s k . H e w a s n e a t as a n e w p i n , his h a i r p a r t e d d o w n t h e m i d d l e a n d b r i l l i a n t i n e d . H e h a d a cheerful, efficient l o o k a n d I l i k e d h i m straight away. H e w a s a real d o c t o r h e assured m e . T h a t is, h e h a d s t u d i e d w e s t e r n m e d i c i n e a n d p r a c t i s e d i n a b i g city h o s p i t a l . ( O f t e n t h e p e o p l e w h o passed t h e m s e l v e s off as d o c t o r s i n t h e s e villages w e r e e x - p i l l - w r a p p e r s f r o m c h e m i s t s ' shops.) W h y h a d h e d e c i d e d t o c o m e t o this place? H e l i k e d it h e r e . It w a s q u i e t . H e k n e w a l m o s t all his p a t i e n t s . H e w o u l d h a v e m a d e m o r e m o n e y i n a city b u t w h a t d o e s o n e n e e d m o n e y for if o n e is already c o n t e n t ? B e s i d e s , ' T h e cities are m a d e b y m a n b u t t h e villages are m a d e b y G o d . ' H i s t r e a t m e n t s s e l d o m v a r i e d . A n i n j e c ­ t i o n f o l l o w e d b y s u c h a d v i c e as ' d o n ' t e a t t o m a t o e s for t h r e e days' o r ' b o i l a little s o m f (fennel seed) e a c h m o r n i n g a n d d r i n k t h e w a t e r ' . H e l o o k e d at m e a n d w i n k e d . I w a s t o u n d e r s t a n d t h a t t h e p r a n d i a l a d v i c e w a s for t h e b e n e f i t o f t h e u n l e t t e r e d o n l y . T h e n h e said, ' T h e y d o n ' t feel t h e y ' v e h a d t h e i r m o n e y ' s w o r t h if I d o n ' t give a n e e d l e . P e o p l e w a n t t o feel b e t t e r i n a n h o u r , so w e treat t h e s y m p t o m s I ' m afraid, n o t t h e cause.' T h e d o c t o r p u t t h e s y r i n g e s 156

i n t o a sterilizer t h a t l o o k e d like a W o o l w o r t h ' s toaster. Yes, o f course, h e was c o n c e r n e d a b o u t A I D S b u t there w e r e ' m o r e press­ i n g p r o b l e m s i n I n d i a ' . O u r sick o n e s r e c e i v e d t h e i r i n j e c t i o n s , t h e n off w e w e n t t o d o t h e s h o p p i n g . Stalls sold v e g e t a b l e s all a l o n g t h e street. A t e a s h o p

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s m o k e m e r r i l y . I b o u g h t as m u c h fresh p r o d u c e as I c o u l d c a r r y a n d little gifts — nail p o l i s h , sweets, r i b b o n s . T h e n , m y p u r c h a s e s s t a c k e d a r o u n d m e , I sat a b o v e a g u t t e r , b a c k p r o p p e d against a m u d wall, t o w a t c h life g o b y . T h e w o m e n w o u l d m e e t m e t h e r e w h e n t h e i r business w a s d o n e , t h e n w e w o u l d h e a d off t o g e t h e r t o b u y the cloth. Inevitably the hordes began to gather. B y the time m y friends c a m e b a c k I w a s b u r i e d b e n e a t h t h e m , m y h e a d h i d d e n in m y a r m s . W h e n the R a b a r i u n d e r s t o o d h o w m u c h I hated these crowds, t h e y u s e d t h e i r skills t o d e f e n d m e f r o m t h e m . A f t e r all, t h e y , t o o , w e r e o f t e n g r e e t e d b y c h i l d r e n h o w l i n g ' b h o o t , b h o o t ' (ghost) w h e n t h e y e n t e r e d a village. ' W h y d o y o u stare at h e r ? ' said Jaivi, m a k i n g h e r w a y t h r o u g h t h e t h r o n g . ' W o u l d y o u like it if s o m e o n e stared at y o u r sister like t h a t ? ' E v e r y o n e a g r e e d t h a t t h e y w o u l d n o t like it a n d c o n t i n u e d t o stare. I f o u n d it difficult n o t t o c o m p a r e t h e villagers u n f a v o u r ­ ably w i t h t h e n o m a d s , w h o are so respectful o f a n o t h e r ' s h u m a n i t y , so m u c h m o r e s o p h i s t i c a t e d a n d k n o w i n g . W h e n e v e r I s a w a n y w a n d e r i n g castes i n a village, t h e y w o u l d w a t c h m e w i t h frank c u r i o s i t y a n d interest, b u t t h e y w o u l d n e v e r c r o w d m e . T h e R a b a r i w o m e n m a d e u p lies o n t h e s p o t t o field t h e e n d ­ less q u e s t i o n s a b o u t m e . S o m e t i m e s I w a s a g o v e r n m e n t w o r k e r , at o t h e r s a v e t e r i n a r y d o c t o r . O n c e I w a s a p o l i c e m a n , w h i c h really s h u t e v e r y o n e u p . A n d t h e y d e l i v e r e d t h e s e fibs w i t h s u c h facility t h a t it w a s clear t h a t s h a m m i n g t o o u t s i d e r s w a s t h e h a b i t

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m a t t e r w h a t t h e p r o v o c a t i o n . T h e t e r r i b l e v i o l e n c e I felt t o w a r d s t h e c r o w d a p p a l l e d m e . I w a n t e d t o t a k e e a c h face a n d s c r e w it d o w n i n t h e g u t t e r . I n s t e a d I e n t e r e d t h a t state o f s e m i - c a t a t o n i a i n w h i c h y o u t a k e i n a n d give o u t n o t h i n g . T h e r e w a s o n l y o n e c l o t h s h o p — a f o r l o r n little b o x l i n e d w i t h a f e w b o l t s o f d u s t y c o t t o n , a w o o d e n b e n c h a l o n g o n e side. W e left o u r s h o e s o n t h e step a n d s p r e a d o u r s e l v e s i m p o r t a n t l y o n t h e 157

b e n c h . P a r m a a n d Jaivi m a d e t h e s h o p k e e p e r roll o u t , o n e b y o n e , e v e r y b o l t o f c l o t h , e v e n t h o u g h w e h a d already d e c i d e d o n t h e colours — white w i t h a red border. It was late. W e h a d t o h u r r y b a c k . W e h u r l e d o u r w a y t h r o u g h t h e mass o f h u m a n i t y w h i c h f o l l o w e d us o u t o f t o w n , s l o w l y t h i n n i n g like a c o m e t ' s tail, u n t i l j u s t t h e c o r e w a s left — m y sisters a n d a u n t i e s h u r r y i n g single file a l o n g a f o o t p a t h , t h r o u g h q u i e t hills. W e p a u s e d t o adjust o u r b u n d l e s . P a r m a s m i l e d as she r e ­ p l a c e d t h e h e a v y l o a d o n m y h e a d . ' S o , R a t t i b e n , n o w y o u are a b h o o t like us.' E i g h t w o m e n sat w i t h m e i n a circle, t h e g u d i o s t r e t c h e d b e ­ t w e e n us like a p i c n i c b l a n k e t , n e e d l e s a n d t h r e a d t o t h e r e a d y . It m e a s u r e d five feet b y t h r e e feet a n d c o n s i s t e d o f t w o o u t s i d e layers o f w h i t e c o t t o n , a n d t h r e e i n s i d e layers o f t h i n w o o l l e n r u g , all c l a m p e d t o g e t h e r w i t h a f e w r o u g h stitches w h i c h w o u l d l a t e r b e pulled out. I understood w h y they helped each other begin their g u d i o s . I m a g i n e h o w d e p r e s s i n g it w o u l d b e t o sit a l o n e i n front o f fifteen s q u a r e feet o f c l o t h k n o w i n g t h a t y o u h a d t o m a k e several h u n d r e d t h o u s a n d stitches b e f o r e it e v e n b e g a n t o l o o k like a m a t . P a r m a s t u d i e d t h e w h i t e space for a w h i l e , t h e n , w a t c h e d a n d approved by t h e older w o m e n , began to pencil in a design. She h a l v e d t h e r e c t a n g l e . I n s i d e e a c h h a l f she d r e w paisley swirls, l a r g e as p a l m leaves, l o c k e d t o g e t h e r i n g e n i o u s l y w i t h i n t h e t w o frames. S h e m a d e t h e p a t t e r n s i n l o n g c o n t i n u o u s lines, so t h a t o n e w o u l d n o t n e e d to stop stitching until o n e ran o u t of thread or reached t h e o u t e r m o s t b o r d e r . W h e n it was d o n e t o e v e r y o n e ' s satisfac­ t i o n , w e b e g a n . I n t i n y r u n n i n g stitches w i t h t h i c k r e d c o t t o n w e f o l l o w e d t h e lines o f P a r m a ' s fancy. I n o t i c e d t h a t this was o n l y a g u i d e , a t h e m e if y o u like, a n d t h a t w h e n s o m e o n e felt like it she a d d e d s u b t l e v a r i a t i o n s - n o t h i n g so i n d i v i d u a l i s t i c as t o b r e a k t h e h a r m o n y o f t h e p a t t e r n b u t e n o u g h t o m a k e it live. E a c h w o m a n h a d , as it w e r e , a s e w i n g s i g n a t u r e a n d t o this day, w h e n I l o o k closely i n t o t h a t g u d i o , I t h i n k I c a n r e m e m b e r w h o s t i t c h e d w h a t . N a k k i s t i t c h e d w i t h t h e deftness o f a fairy; L a k h m a , w i t h t h e l u m p i s h n e s s o f a troll. L a k h m a w a s , it h a d t o b e said, a w o m a n o f l i m i t e d w i t . S h e w a s always t h e slowest t o g e t a j o k e , t h e quickest to take food, a n d w h e n she wasn't eating h e r j a w h u n g o p e n slightly. I r a t h e r h o p e d t h a t s h e m i g h t s t o p h e l p i n g m e 158

as I felt, already, r a t h e r possessive o f m y g u d i o , a n d h e r stitches l o o k e d like t h e tracks o f v u l t u r e s a m o n g t h e t r a c e r y o f w r e n s . N a k k i c a u g h t m e f r o w n i n g at t h o s e stitches a n d p u l l e d h e r h p s t i g h t t o s t o p h e r s e l f f r o m s m i l i n g . B u t it w a s n o g o o d . S h e c a u g h t P a r m a ' s eye, w h o c a u g h t Jaivi's, w h o c a u g h t R a m m i ' s a n d so o n u n t i l e v e r y o n e w a s stifling l a u g h t e r e x c e p t p o o r L a k h m a

who

s m i l e d at us i n a b o v i n e s o r t o f w a y . A f t e r t e n m i n u t e s m y h a n d w a s already c r a m p e d b u t if a n y o n e s l a c k e n e d N a k k i c r i e d ' K a r o ! ' ( k e e p g o i n g ) as if w e w e r e c l i m b i n g a m o u n t a i n . T h e r e w a s a t r e m e n d o u s feeling o f solidarity, lots o f l a u g h t e r , s t o r y - t e l l i n g , w h i s ­ p e r e d tales. W o m e n c a m e b y f r o m o t h e r c a m p s t o l e n d a h a n d , b r i n g i n g p r a s h a d . I n e v e r t h o u g h t I'd e n j o y a s e w i n g circle. ' W h e n is t h e taxi c o m i n g b a c k , R a t t i b e n ? ' ' H o w far away is y o u r c o u n t r y , R a t t i b e n ? ' ' H o w l o n g w o u l d it t a k e t o w a l k t h e r e ? ' ' H o w is it possible t h a t t h e stars i n y o u r sky are different f r o m t h e stars i n o u r sky?' ( T r y e x p l a i n i n g t h a t i n sign l a n g u a g e ! ) E v e r y t h i n g I t o l d t h e m i n m y h a l t i n g H i n d i , G u j a r a t i a n d sign language, o n e of the w o m e n w o u l d t u r n into a song - or chant r a t h e r . A l w a y s t h e s a m e n o t e s a n d stanza, s u n g at w a l k i n g p a c e w i t h a s t r o n g e m p h a s i s o n t h e last w o r d . ' R a t t i b e n ' s t a x i is c o m i n g , it is c o m i n g s o o n , c o m i n g soon! O r ' R a t t i b e n ' s c o u n t r y is a l o n g w a y away, l o n g w a y away! W h e n I t o l d t h e m t h a t i n m y c o u n t r y o n e small family m i g h t o w n a n area as l a r g e as K u t c h , a n d all t h e s h e e p a n d cattle t h e r e o n , t h e y l o o k e d at m e as if t o say ' W e , t o o , are g o o d at t e l l i n g w h o p p e r s b u t t h e y h a v e t o b e at least credible! S i n c e t h e y w e r e h e l p i n g m e , it w a s e x p e c t e d t h a t I p r o v i d e t h e tea. I b u m b l e d a r o u n d w i t h t h r e e r o c k s a n d j a g g e d m y s k i n o n A f r i c a n t h o r n . L a t c h i cast m e t h a t l o o k r e s e r v e d b y t e e n a g e r s for p a r t i c u l a r l y d e n s e adults, t o o k t h e m a t c h e s a n d o r d e r e d m e b a c k t o t h e g u d i o . It h a d t a k e n this l o n g for h e r t o d e i g n t o n o t i c e m e . N o w s h e ' d b e c o m e m y n u m b e r o n e pal. E v e n t h a t y e l l o w - e y e d b r u t e of a d o g h a d c o m e out from u n d e r the b e d recently and given m e t w o psychotic wags before disappearing back under. W e h a d a b r e a k f r o m o u r s e w i n g for tea a n d t h e i n e v i t a b l e snuff to w h i c h the older w o m e n seemed addicted. T h e n they pulled o u t t i n y glass phials o f w h i t e crystal. A f r a g m e n t w a s r u b b e d i n t o 159

t h e eyes, c a u s i n g t h e m t o w a t e r c o p i o u s l y . N a t u r a l l y I h a d t o t r y . It w a s r a t h e r like h a v i n g a h e a t e d d a g g e r t h r u s t i n t o t h e eyeball a n d t w i s t e d , t h e n caustic s o d a r u b b e d i n t h e w o u n d . O n l y o u t o f s h e e r m a s t e r y o f w i l l d i d I n o t s c r e a m i n a g o n y . W h a t was it for, I asked. To ' c l e a n ' t h e eyes. T o tell t h e t r u t h I t h i n k t h e y

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b e c o m e addicted to the pain of the w h i t e powder, w h i c h

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a b o u t it a n orgastic q u a l i t y . I asked t h e m w h y t h e y d i d n o t t a k e o t h e r m e d i c i n e s w i t h t h e m o n t h e d a n g a n d t r i e d t o say t h a t i n j e c t i o n s m i g h t b e d a n g e r o u s as t h e r e w a s a n o t h e r disease passed b y d i r t y n e e d l e s . W o u l d n ' t it b e b e t t e r , I s u g g e s t e d , t o t a k e q u i n i n e tablets for m a l a r i a o r a s p i r i n for fevers, as t h e y w e r e c h e a p a n d available a n y w h e r e . ' O h , w e will, R a t t i b e n , if y o u say so,' t h e y lied, humouring me. T h e y w e r e far m o r e likely t o t a k e m e d i c i n e for t h e

sheep

w h i c h suffered f r o m a n t h r a x , t o x a e m i a a n d fluke. T h e s h e p h e r d s injected their animals w i t h Terramycin or d r e n c h e d t h e m , believ­ i n g t h a t t h e d r u g s w e r e t o n i c s b e c a u s e afterwards t h e

animals

miraculously put o n weight. I lay m y h e a d o n Jaivi's lap. M y legs s t u c k o u t i n t h e s u n . B a b y goats pressed t h e i r s h a r p little s h o e s i n t o m y s t o m a c h o r n i b b l e d m y ears. L a t e r s o m e M u s l i m s a r r i v e d t o b u y a c o u p l e o f s h e e p . T h e R a b a r i are n o t so m u c h h y p o c r i t i c a l i n t h e i r a t t i t u d e s t o b r e a k i n g t h e H i n d u c o d e o f v e g e t a r i a n i s m as l o w - k e y . T h u s t h e selling o f o l d o r sick a n i m a l s t o M u s l i m s a l o n g t h e w a y w a s d o n e s o m e w h a t s u r r e p t i t i o u s l y , d e s p i t e t h e fact t h a t t h e R a b a r i will, o n o c c a s i o n , eat t h e i r a n i m a l s t h e m s e l v e s . I n a n y case t h e e c o n o m i c symbiosis b e t w e e n R a b a r i a n d Muslims militates, in a v e r y p r a c t i c a l w a y , against c o m m u n a l b i g o t r y . B u t t h e r e is a n o t h e r r e a s o n , I t h i n k , for t h e c o m p a r a t i v e b r o a d m i n d e d n e s s o f n o m a d s . T h e y are c o n s t a n t l y h a v i n g t o n e g o t i a t e b o r d e r s a n d deal w i t h difference. T h e gifts I gave t h e m w e r e a c c e p t e d m a t t e r o f factly. M y o w n g u s h i n g g r a t i t u d e w h e n t h e y d i d s o m e t h i n g for m e , o r gave m e s o m e t h i n g , b e m u s e d t h e m . D e s e r t c u l t u r e s s e l d o m h a v e a w o r d for t h a n k y o u b e c a u s e s h a r i n g is i n t e g r a l t o survival a n d t o social f o r m . It is l e a r n t y o u n g . W h e n e v e r sweets w e r e g i v e n t o c h i l d r e n , t h e y w o u l d a u t o m a t i c a l l y share t h e m o u t . P a r m a a n d Jaivi, H a t t i a n d L a t c h i called m e o v e r t o t h e i r b e d t o 160

t r y o u t t h e nail p o l i s h e s . I h a d b o u g h t f o u r k i n d s — p u r p l e , p i n k , scarlet a n d m a r o o n . T h e p u r p l e a n d p i n k w e r e r e j e c t e d o u t o f h a n d . W a s m y taste i n m y sandals? W h a t d i d p u r p l e m a t c h ? A n d w h o w o u l d b o t h e r t o w e a r i n s i p i d p i n k ? M a r o o n w a s t h e b e s t as it p i c k e d u p t h e c o l o u r s i n t h e i r e m b r o i d e r e d b l a c k , a n d t h e fiery r e d w a s b e s t for H a t t i w h o h a d n o t y e t b e g u n t o w e a r b l a c k b u t w a s , i n s t e a d , dressed like a C h r i s t m a s t r e e — g r e e n skirt w i t h acres o f swish, lots o f c o l o u r e d s t i t c h i n g o n h e r b l o u s e , silver. I h a d always e n j o y e d b e i n g i n s i t u a t i o n s w h e r e I w a s free o f t h e shackles o f c o n t r i v e d g o o d l o o k s . I w a s m o r e t h a n h a p p y t o n o t give a d a m n w h e t h e r m y k u r t a m a t c h e d m y p a j a m a o r w h e t h e r t h e r e was s h e e p shit i n m y hair. ' W h o ' s t o see o r care after all?' T h e answer to that was the R a b a r i w o m e n , w h o m i g h t a b a n d o n t h e i r g r o o m i n g o u t o f necessity b u t n e v e r o u t o f c h o i c e . S o m e ­ t i m e s t h e y w o u l d l o o k a s k a n c e at w h a t I h a d t h r o w n o n . R e a d i n g t h o s e l o o k s I w o u l d p r e s e n t m y s e l f t o t h e m a n d say, 'Is this all r i g h t ? ' a n d t h e y w o u l d l o o k at e a c h o t h e r , m o u t h s t w i t c h i n g , a n d say, 'Yes, y e s , R a t t i b e n , it w i l l do.' L a t e r t h e y w o u l d

tactfully

suggest t h a t I a d d s o m e k o h l t o m y eyes o r w h y n o t w e a r t h a t p r e t t y skirt t h e y k n e w I c a r r i e d . P e r h a p s I w o u l d like t h e m t o plait m y hair? B u t it w a s easy t o see, b e h i n d t h e i r s o l i c i t u d e , t h a t t h e y r e g a r d e d m e as a t e r m i n a l case o f sow's ear. W h a t w a s t h e v a n i t y for? T h e dressing u p , p r i m p i n g i n t o little h a n d - m i r r o r s t u c k e d i n t o b o d i c e s , t h e careful a p p l i c a t i o n o f k o h l , r i b b o n s at t h e e n d s o f plaits, bits o f glass fixed w i t h silk t h r e a d , t h e l o v e o f silver — a n d n o w this careful s p r e a d o f nail p o l i s h o n t h o s e work-battered, fire-scorched, t h o r n - t o r n hands w h i c h they held o u t a n d i n s p e c t e d like a b u n c h o f J o a n C r a w f o r d s i n a b o u d o i r ? W h o c o u l d t h e y i m p r e s s w i t h it, s i n c e a n y s e x u a l r e l a t i o n s o u t s i d e m a r r i a g e w e r e n o t j u s t f r o w n e d u p o n b u t u n h e a r d o f ? A t least so t h e y said a n d I b e l i e v e d t h e m . I don't p r e t e n d to have entered the consciousness of a R a b a r i b u t w h e r e individuals have n o m e a n i n g outside of their c o m m u n i ­ ty, all possessions, e v e n b e a u t y , b e l o n g n o t j u s t t o t h e i n d i v i d u a l b u t t o t h e g r o u p . A w o m a n w i l l a d o r n h e r s e l f b e c a u s e she is a R a b a r i a n d R a b a r i w o m e n are f a m o u s for t h e i r b e a u t y ; t o b e b e a u t i f u l reflects w e l l o n a n d w i t h i n t h e c o m m u n i t y f r o m w h i c h o n e derives one's identity and strength. 161

' W h e n d i d y o u say o u r taxi w a s c o m i n g , R a t t i ? ' P a r m a ' s t o n e d i d n o t escape m e . W h e n e v e r t h e j e e p c a m e , it w a s difficult t o resist t h e m o r a l pressure t o k e e p it w i t h m e . T o t h e m t h e taxi w a s a fantastic r e s o u r c e . B u t w h e n it w a s t h e r e , distances a n d t h e r e f o r e t i m e s w e r e t r a n s f o r m e d a n d this b r o u g h t h o m e t o m e t h e ersatz n a t u r e o f m y life w i t h t h e m . I was a t o u r i s t i n p r e - i n d u s t r i a l t i m e . T h e d o m i n a n t t i m e i n t h e w o r l d is m y o w n — p o s t - i n d u s t r i a l t e c h n o l o g i c a l t i m e . M o s t p e o p l e o f m y t i m e are h a p p y t o s e n t i m e n ­ talize a n earlier o n e , y e t u n w i l l i n g t o g i v e u p t h e i r c o m f o r t s t o p a r t i c i p a t e i n it. T h e y w o u l d like s o m e p e o p l e t o r e m a i n i n t h o s e earlier t i m e s ( w h e t h e r t h e p e o p l e w i s h t o o r n o t ) , so t h a t t h e y t h e m s e l v e s m a y visit o c c a s i o n a l l y b u t always w i t h t h e o p t i o n o f l e a v i n g w h e n t h e g o i n g gets r o u g h . I c o u l d d e c i d e t o w a l k w i t h the dang despite the hardships because I k n e w those hardships w e r e t e m p o r a r y . T h e y w a n t e d t o r i d e i n t h e car b e c a u s e t h e y w e r e sick o f h a r d s h i p s f r o m w h i c h t h e y h a d n o possibility

of

escape. ' T h e taxi is c o m i n g s o o n . ' ' A h . A n d w i l l " K a a j u n " c o m e also?' 'Yes, K o j u w i l l c o m e . ' ' A n d Sahib?' 'I d o n o t k n o w if S a h i b w i l l c o m e . ' ' W h e n t h e taxi c o m e s , w e w i l l all g o t o J u n a g a d h . ' I refused t o c o m m e n t b u t a c c e p t e d t h a t a t r i p t o J u n a g a d h w a s a fait accompli w h e t h e r I l i k e d it o r n o t , w h i c h I d i d n ' t . T h e y k n e w b y n o w that I could deny t h e m n o t h i n g and they exploited m e to e x a c t l y t h a t m o m e n t w h e n I b a u l k e d , at w h i c h p o i n t t h e y t u r n e d o n t h e i r irresistible c h a r m . T h e last t i m e t h e j e e p visited, P h a g u asked if t h e taxi w o u l d t a k e h i m o n a s h o r t r e c o n n a i s s a n c e o f t h e area a h e a d . I left K o j u b e h i n d a n d w e set off at d a y b r e a k . B y m i d m o r n i n g I w a s w o n d e r i n g w h e n w e w o u l d h e a d for h o m e . I h a d n o m a p s , so r e l i e d e n t i r e l y o n P h a g u . I w a t c h e d h i m o u t o f t h e c o r n e r o f m y eyes. A m a n u n u s e d t o sitting still, restless h a n d s , d a r t i n g eyes: l o o k i n g for w a t e r , feed, c a m p i n g places, villages for food a n d m e d i c i n e ; t h i n k i n g w h e n will t h e c o t t o n here b e harvest­ ed? s h o u l d w e risk this j u n g l e area? — t h e p a r a d i g m o f h u m a n intelligence. T h r e e h u n d r e d m i l e s o f d i r t t r a c k s , p l o u g h e d fields a n d r i m s o f 162

d a m s later, t h e snakes i n m y s t o m a c h w e r e t h r e a t e n i n g t o c o m e o u t , c r a w l all o v e r t h e car a n d f a n g P h a g u t o d e a t h . E v e r y n o w a n d t h e n h e ' d cast m e o n e o f t h o s e g r i n s a n d t h e fury w o u l d lessen. T h i s d r i v e w o u l d save h i m m i l e s a n d m i l e s o f b u s travelling, i n c a l c u ­ lable a m o u n t s o f w a l k i n g , w e e k s o f effort. It w a s n o t t h e r e c c e I r e s e n t e d , it w a s his m a n i p u l a t i o n o f m e . If I h a d k n o w n I'd b e d r i v i n g t h a t b o n e s h a k e r all day, I c o u l d h a v e p r e p a r e d b e t t e r . ' A r e y o u tired, R a t t i b e n ? ' ' O f c o u r s e I ' m b l o o d y tired.' (Said i n English.) H e laughed. 'Stop here!' A n d w h a t do y o u know, the old tight­ w a d s h o u t e d m e as m a n y c u p s o f tea f r o m t h e c h a i w a l l a h as I c o u l d d r i n k , a n d I defy a n y o n e t o d r i n k m o r e t h a n five. B y t h e t i m e w e g o t b a c k it w a s d a r k . T h e w h o l e c o m m u n i t y w e l c o m e d m e h o m e w i t h p r a s h a d a n d h i g h praise b u t I w a s t o o fed u p w i t h t h e m t o b e c o n n e d o u t o f m y m o o d a n d

went

straight t o m y t e n t . I n m y n o t e s I w r o t e 'I a m t h e i r m i l k i n g cow'. I slept flat o n m y b a c k , p a l m s u p - t h e p o s i t i o n o f t e r m i n a l e x h a u s t i o n . T h r o u g h t h e j e l l y walls o f sleep I felt s o m e t h i n g c o o l a n d h e a v y o n m y left p a l m . I t h o u g h t , T o hell w i t h t h e m ! I've h a d e n o u g h of their jokes. Putting a clod of earth o n m y h a n d in the m i d d l e o f t h e n i g h t , it's j u s t t o o m u c h ! I t h r e w t h e w e i g h t

off,

b u r n i n g w i t h h a t e for m y p e r s e c u t o r s , a n d saw it c h a n g e i n t o t h e p r i m e v a l s h a p e o f a n S. T h e s n a k e l a n d e d s o m e w h e r e a r o u n d m y feet a m o n g t h e b a g ­ gage. I n t h e t o r c h l i g h t it w a s a small i n n o c u o u s - l o o k i n g t h i n g , s t a r i n g at m e i n a t r u s t i n g k i n d o f w a y . I d i d n ' t w a n t t o h u r t it b u t I h a d t o g e t it o u t o f m y t e n t . I c o u l d n ' t find m y stick, so I called t o o n e o f t h e m e n p a t r o l l i n g t h e flock. U s i n g sign l a n g u a g e I i n d i c a t e d t h a t h e s h o u l d h o l d t h e s n a k e d o w n w i t h his stick w h i l e I p i c k e d it u p b e h i n d t h e h e a d a n d t h r e w it i n t o t h e cactus f e n c e . H e m u s t h a v e m i s u n d e r s t o o d b e c a u s e n o t a m o m e n t later b l o o d , fangs a n d scales w e r e s p a t t e r e d all over. I d r e w w h a t was left o f it, for i d e n t i f i c a t i o n . W e e k s l a t e r I d i s c o v e r e d t h a t I h a d slept w i t h a krait, t h e m o s t d e a d l y s n a k e i n I n d i a . O n e m o r n i n g , as I t h r e w off m y b l a n k e t s a n d sat u p , a full m o o n c l i m b e d i n t o h e r w e s t e r n b e d a n d pulled t h e clouds over her, w h i l e h u n d r e d s o f c r a n e s flew i n w a t e r y f o r m a t i o n s a b o v e o u r 163

c a m p — a V a n G o g h p a i n t i n g , o n l y i n b r o w n s , blacks, greys a n d t h e l u m i n o u s y e l l o w o f t h e sky. I h a d b e e n f o r m e d b y A u s t r a l i a n l a n d s c a p e , so spare, r i g o r o u s a n d p u r e , t h e e a r t h itself s e n t i e n t , u n t a m e a b l e . B u t t h e r e w a s n o t a p a r t i c l e o f I n d i a t h a t h a d n o t s e r v i c e d m a n : p l o u g h e d , t h r o w n as p o t s , e a t e n , shat o u t , lifted as dust, p l o u g h e d again. E v e n b a b i e s h a d s e e n m i l l e n n i a . If t h e A u s t r a l i a n h o r i z o n i n v i t e d y o u t o t h r o w off y o u r b u r d e n s a n d h e a d for v a n i s h i n g p o i n t , h e r e t h e r e s t r i c t i o n s i m p o s e d b y m a n d o m i n a t e d a n y i m p u l s e t o m o v e freely. D o g s a n d fences, forts a n d defensive walls, z i n a n a s a n d s p i k e d gates. N o s e rings, leg-irons. R u l e s

a n d c o d e s b o l t i n g t h e social

structure

t i g h t l y i n t o p l a c e . T h e s h a p e o f t h e c o u n t r y was d e f i n e d b y t h e safeguarding o f p r o p e r t y . I m e t s o m e o n e i n D e l h i w h o said 'I k n e w t h e A b o r i g i n e s w e r e v e r y b a c k w a r d w h e n I h e a r d t h e y h a d possessed Ayer's R o c k for t h o u s a n d s o f y e a r s y e t n e v e r d e c o r a t e d it.' I i m a g i n e d U l u r u i n I n d i a — s m e a r e d i n saffron a n d silver, shit p i l e d u p i n its caves, b e g g a r s a n d t o u t s m i l l i n g a r o u n d its base, p l u c k i n g at t o u r i s t s — all t h e p o w e r a n d n u m i n o u s n e s s o f t h e p l a c e b u r i e d u n d e r tat. W h a t a n t i t h e t i c a l aesthetics t h e y w e r e . W h e n I first w e n t t o E n g l a n d , after l i v i n g for y e a r s i n t h e A u s t r a l i a n deserts, I f o u n d t h e c o u n t r y s i d e d o m e s t i c a n d m e r e l y p r e t t y . N o w I c a n n o t i m a g i n e h o w I h a d n o t always b e e n m o v e d b y its d i g n i t y a n d s u b t l e t y . W h a t it r e q u i r e d w a s a c h a n g e i n gaze. N o t t h e A u s t r a l i a n s q u i n t s w a l l o w i n g d o w n vistas b u t a m o r e m y ­ o p i c search i n a m o n g t h e detail o f t h e f o r e g r o u n d w h e r e h i s t o r y is i n s c r i b e d . E n g l i s h c o u n t r y s i d e h a d frames b u i l t i n . B u t I n d i a ? H o w w o u l d I e v e r l e a r n t o d e c i p h e r it, t o b e at h o m e i n it? T h a t m o r n i n g marked some kind of beginning. T h o s e colours, n e v e r s e e n e l s e w h e r e i n s u c h c o m b i n a t i o n , t h e distinctive s h a p e o f fields a n d hills, t h e w o m e n i n b l a c k — all t h o s e e l e m e n t s f o r m e d a p l a c e I c o u l d r e t u r n t o , s o m e t h i n g I c o u l d claim. P a r m a c a m e t o sit w i t h m e o n t h e b e d . W e w a t c h e d t h e cranes t o g e t h e r for a w h i l e . S h e said, ' T h e y are f r o m across t h e sea, like y o u . S o o n y o u ' l l g o b a c k t o y o u r c o u n t r y a n d f o r g e t a b o u t us.'

13 T h e p l a n h a d b e e n t o travel w i t h t h e R a b a r i as far as t h e G u j a r a t b o r d e r or, if t h e rains i n K u t c h failed a n d P h a g u w a s f o r c e d t o cross t h e b o r d e r i n t o M a d h y a P r a d e s h , I w o u l d c e r t a i n l y a c c o m ­ pany t h e m . N o w , thanks to o u r j e e p recce, h e had decided there w a s n o n e e d t o risk g r e a t distances a n d u n k n o w n t e r r i t o r y this y e a r : t h e d a n g w o u l d r e m a i n i n Saurashtra. W h a t w o u l d t h e editors t h i n k of m y circling a r o u n d these b e ­ n i g h t e d fields for six m o n t h s ? H a r d l y t h e e p i c stuff t h e y h a d b e e n l e d t o e x p e c t . I w a s p r e t t y sure D i l i p w o u l d find t h e d a n g a b o u t as i n t e r e s t i n g as m u d . I w o u l d h a v e t o t h i n k o f s o m e t h i n g else t o satisfy t h e m . A n d so t h a t p e c u l i a r instability, c o n c e a l e d t e m p o r a r i l y b y t h e i n t e r n a l s t r u c t u r e d n e s s o f t h e d a n g , n o w r e i n s t a t e d itself as t h e j o u r n e y ' s d o m i n a n t m o t i f . N o m a t t e r h o w m u c h effort w a s e x ­ p e n d e d , all i n t e n t i o n w a s g o v e r n e d b y t h e s e c o n d l a w o f t h e r m o ­ d y n a m i c s . I n d i a is n o t

a good

p l a c e for p e o p l e w h o ,

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chronically chaotic in themselves, n e e d some semblance of external order. M y f r i e n d s h i p s w i t h t h e R a b a r i h a d passed t h r o u g h phases: flirtatiousness, p o l i t e n e s s , displays o f b e s t b e h a v i o u r ; t h e n i n t i m ­ acies, m i s u n d e r s t a n d i n g s , q u a r r e l s a n d m a k i n g u p . It h a d settled d o w n n o w i n t o a s o r t o f o r d i n a r i n e s s w h i c h , t h o u g h less e x c i t i n g , i n d i c a t e d a d e e p e r a c c e p t a n c e . B u t j u s t as c o u p l e s b e g i n t o t a k e advantage of each other's weaknesses, o n c e m u t u a l curiosity and t h e desire t o please has g o n e , so t h e R a b a r i b e g a n t o e x p l o i t m i n e . A local w o m a n h a d c o m e t o visit o u r c a m p ; she h a d asked t h e m w h e t h e r I w a s w e a l t h y . T h e y a n s w e r e d , ' S h e is so r i c h , she stays i n air-conditioned rooms.' 165

T h e w o m a n p u c k e r e d h e r lips, n o d d i n g slowly t o s o m e i n n e r thought. ' S h e is so r i c h t h a t she o w n s a j e e p . ' T h e w o m a n s h o t m e a sideways l o o k full o f c a l c u l a t i o n a n d greed. 'An

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sideways. I h a d m a d e a h u g e m i s t a k e a n d was o n l y n o w c o m i n g t o u n d e r ­ s t a n d t h e r e p e r c u s s i o n s o f m y foolishness. I s h o u l d h a v e s t u c k t o t h e l e t t e r o f o u r c o n t r a c t as s c r u p u l o u s l y as t h e y h a d at t h e b e ­ g i n n i n g , t h e n g i v e n a gift o f m o n e y at t h e e n d o f o u r j o u r n e y t o g e t h e r . B u t h o w , i n all c o n s c i e n c e , c o u l d I d e a l i n t h o s e u n t h i n k a b l y small a m o u n t s o f m o n e y w h i c h m e a n t n o t h i n g t o m e a n d so m u c h t o t h e m . H o w c o u l d I h o l d b a c k m y h a n d w h e n it c a m e t o p a y i n g a dollar for a taxi, o r fifty c e n t s for sweets, o r t h e d o c t o r ' s fees, o r for m e d i c i n e . B u t this w a s false r e a s o n i n g . I n m y o w n w o r l d a paisa m i g h t b e n o t h i n g ; h e r e it w a s a paisa a n d if t h e r e w a s o n e r u l e t h e n o m a d s lived b y it w a s t h a t a fool a n d his paisa are s o o n p a r t e d . It h a d b e g u n i n n o c e n t l y e n o u g h . I n t h e distress o f n o t b e i n g able t o s p e a k I w a n t e d t o d e m o n s t r a t e m y g o o d w i l l b y b e i n g s p e n d t h r i f t n o t j u s t w i t h gifts b u t w i t h t h i n g s it w a s t h e i r d u t y t o p r o v i d e for m e . I m p e r c e p t i b l y at first, t h e avarice for w h i c h t h e i r caste is f a m o u s b e g a n t o s h i n e t h r o u g h like c o p p e r b e n e a t h w o r n silver-plating. It w a s d o n e i n g o o d h u m o u r , w i t h h i n t s a n d refer­ e n c e s , n e v e r b l a t a n t r e q u e s t s , b u t e v e n so it c r e a t e d a t e n s i o n w h i c h I resented — another drain o n energy. T h e y had robbed m e of the pleasure (and t h e power) o f giving. Perhaps e n c o d e d in m y lar­ gesse w a s a s u b t l e insult — t h e b a r r a sahib w h i t e w o m a n so r i c h , s h e c o u l d cast h e r m o n e y at t h e l o w l y . A n d as a d e f e n c e against feeling, o r s e e m i n g , o r a g r e e i n g t o b e l o w l y , as a w a y o f r e t a i n i n g t h a t p r i d e for w h i c h t h e y are also f a m o u s , t h e y n e e d e d t o e x p l o i t m e for w h a t I w o u l d h a v e g i v e n freely a n y w a y . S o m e t i m e s m y e x a s p e r a t i o n s h o w e d a n d t h e n t h e y c h a r m e d m e so s u b d y , so cleverly. W h e n t h e y c o u l d n ' t tease m e o u t o f a m o o d , t h e y w o u l d lay off, g o q u i e t a n d t h e n d o s o m e small t h i n g — fix s o m e p i e c e o f e q u i p m e n t , p r e s e n t m e w i t h s o m e special f o o d , b r i n g tea t o m y b e d . A n d w h e n I d i d n o t g i v e t h e m w h a t t h e y asked for, w h i c h 166

w a s rare, t h e y l a u g h e d a n d h u g g e d m e a n y w a y . It was like a g a m e t o t h e m . I h a d b o u g h t a c a m e l saddle f r o m N a k k i earlier i n t h e j o u r n e y . N o w she w a s saying she h a d sold it at t h e w r o n g p r i c e and w a n t e d another h u n d r e d rupees. A t certain m o m e n t s she was p u r e r a p a c i t y a n d I f o u n d it h a r d t o s t a n d u p t o h e r . W h e n K o j u visited w i t h t h e j e e p , h e n o t e d this a n d h e disliked t h e m for it. R a j p u t p r i d e w a s o f a different o r d e r a l t o g e t h e r . B u t m y c o l l u s i o n i n it baffled h i m . H e h a d n e v e r asked for a n e x t r a paisa, as if o u r r e l a t i o n s h i p h a d n o e c o n o m i c aspects b u t

was

p u r e l y o f t h e h e a r t . I c o u l d h e a r h i m t h i n k i n g , it d o e s n ' t p a y t o b e n o b l e . D a z z l e d as I w a s b y his p o i s e a n d n a t u r a l g r a c e , I d i d n o t always r e m e m b e r t h a t K o j u w a s n o t a s o p h i s t i c a t e d y o u n g m a n fresh f r o m t h e e x c i t e m e n t s o f b i g city life, o u t for a h o l i d a y r o m p a r o u n d t h e countryside. H e was a non-literate peasant w h o s e e x ­ p e r i e n c e o f t h e w o r l d w a s l i m i t e d t o a cluster o f h u t s i n t h e m i d d l e o f s a n d - d u n e s sixty m i l e s f r o m J o d h p u r . Lately h e h a d b e e n as m o o d y as a n a d o l e s c e n t a n d a b o u t as helpful. H i s g r e a t flaw was w a n t i n g t o b e t h e m o s t p o p u l a r b o y a r o u n d a n d i n this h e usually s u c c e e d e d . B u t n o w h e w a s i n a n o t h e r c o u n t r y for t h e first t i m e i n his life, w i t h s t r a n g e p e o p l e w h o s p o k e a differ­ e n t l a n g u a g e a n d w h o w e r e n o t as s u s c e p t i b l e t o his c h a r m s . H e w a s l o n e l y a n d o u t o f his d e p t h . A n d h e l a c k e d t h e e q u i p m e n t w i t h w h i c h to untangle an immensely c o m p l e x jealousy. I h a d s e n t h i m b a c k t o B h u j as o f t e n as possible as I k n e w h e h a d f o u n d s o m e R a j p u t friends t h e r e . B u t o n t h e d a n g h e w o u l d sit o n his b o t t o m all day, s p i n n i n g y a r n s a b o u t his village w h i l e I lifted a n d h a u l e d a n d l o a d e d a n d u n l o a d e d . I w a n t e d h i m t o see it, w a n t e d h i m t o h e l p m e o f his o w n a c c o r d , w i t h o u t b e i n g t r e a t e d like a s e r v a n t . W h i c h b e h a v i o u r w a s c o n f u s i n g for K o j u w h o , if h e w a s n ' t a s e r v a n t was — w h a t ? I f o u n d it difficult t o give o r d e r s p r e f e r r i n g e i t h e r t o d o t h e w o r k m y s e l f o r w a i t u n t i l m y n e e d for assistance w a s so o b v i o u s t h a t a c r e t i n c o u l d n o t miss it. E i t h e r K o j u was t h e latter o r h e w a s p u n i s h i n g m e . Please, n o t n o w , K o j u , I said t o myself. Sulk l a t e r w h e n I h a v e s o m e s t r e n g t h . N o w I n e e d you. I w a s t i r e d . I was t i r e d b e t w e e n synapses a n d i n t h e c o n n e c t i v e tissue o f o r g a n s . T h e b o n e m a r r o w w a s t i r e d a n d t h e

calcium

a r o u n d it b e n t w i t h t i r e d n e s s . E a c h cell s c r e a m e d o u t I c a n ' t g o o n . 167

A n d t h e c h e m i c a l r e a c t i o n s l o n g e d for t h e i r t h a n k l e s s w o r k t o e n d so t h e y c o u l d m e l t d o w n a n d b e c o m e s o m e o t h e r life f o r m less tired than R o b y n Davidson. A n d , a n o t h e r funny thing, I hadn't had a period in quite a while . . . but I could not think about that now. T h e c o u n t r y h e r e w a s so flat, so u s e d , t h a t t h e e y e l a t c h e d o n t o a n y distant s h a p e a n d d i d n o t w a n t t o l e t g o , as if v i s i o n itself c o u l d suffocate f r o m so m u c h E u c l i d e a n g e o m e t r y . A n d o n t h e h o r i z o n t h e s e days, s o m e t i m e s i n t h e s o u t h - e a s t , s o m e t i m e s s w i n g i n g b y u s t o t h e s o u t h - w e s t , w a s a b l u e m o u n t a i n — J u n a g a d h , M u g h a l city of H i n d u temples. H a d I k n o w n w h a t P h a g u m u s t h a v e k n o w n — t h a t this h o l i d a y , so e a g e r l y a w a i t e d a n d discussed, w o u l d m a r k t h e e n d o f o u r happier times — I would, perhaps, have ignored the irritations of t h e d r i v e t o J u n a g a d h a n d b e e n m o r e o p e n - h e a r t e d . A s it w a s , I left i n a b a d t e m p e r w h i c h g r e w w i t h e v e r y difficulty a l o n g t h e w a y . T h e e v e n i n g b e f o r e , P h a g u h a d t a k e n m y car w i t h e v e r y t h i n g I n e e d e d a n d d i d n ' t c o m e b a c k till n i g h t . A n d w h a t s o r t o f a n i d i o t w a s K o j u t h a t h e a l l o w e d this t o h a p p e n ? B e s i d e s t h a t ( o h , h e i n o u s c r i m e ) , I f o u n d t h a t m y carefully h i d d e n p a c k e t o f C h a i r ­ m a n M a o firecrackers, t h a t i r r e p l a c e a b l e m e m e n t o , h a d b e e n d i s ­ covered by H a t t i , t o r n apart and t h e crackers used t o terrorize s h e e p . And,

o n t h e m o r n i n g o f o u r departure, I was w o k e n u p

b e f o r e d a w n b y t h a t a u t h o r i t a r i a n o l d b a s t a r d P h a g u a n d t o l d it was t i m e to get m o v i n g . ' K o j u , ' I said. 'I a b s o l u t e l y refuse t o h a v e m o r e t h a n t w e l v e p e o p l e i n o r o n this j e e p . I'll leave it t o y o u t o m a k e sure t h a t n o m o r e t h a n t w e l v e p e o p l e c o m e w i t h us, O K ? ' K o j u s e e m e d t o t h i n k t h a t w a s O K . I sat g r i p p i n g t h e w h e e l . ' N o m o r e t h a n . . .' I shouted b u t n o o n e was hstening because everyone was squealing, l a u g h i n g , p u s h i n g a n d j o s t l i n g , a n d v e r y d e t e r m i n e d n o t t o b e left b e h i n d . T h e r e w e r e children o n t h e b o n n e t , a cluster of boys c l i n g i n g t o t h e sides like oysters, feet d a n g l i n g a r o u n d t h e r o o f like a surrey w i t h a fringe o n top. A n d the b a c k of t h e j e e p contained w h a t l o o k e d like a h u n d r e d d i s e m b o d i e d w o m e n ' s faces t i e d t o ­ g e t h e r w i t h b l a c k w o o l . 'Let's go,' said P a r m a a n d d u g m e i n t h e b a c k . I f o l d e d m y a r m s a n d sat, o r r a t h e r c r o u c h e d , i n t h e driver's seat, w a i t i n g f o r t h e n o i s e t o d i e d o w n . W h e n it d i d I said, ' T w e l v e 168

p e o p l e , n o t one m o r e . ' E v e n t u a l l y I g o t it d o w n t o a b o u t s e v e n t e e n . K o j u sat n e x t t o m e a n d t h e r e w a s a w o m a n a n d t w o c h i l d r e n n e x t t o h i m i n t h e front seat. F r o m b e h i n d , e l b o w s a n d h e a d s p o k e d i n t o m y b a c k so t h a t I h a d t o h u n c h o v e r t h e w h e e l , t h e n t w i s t m y b o d y sideways t o a v o i d t h e b o d i e s c r u s h i n g m e i n t o t h e driver's d o o r . J u s t as I w a s a b o u t t o start t h e e n g i n e , K o j u o p e n e d t h e p a s s e n g e r d o o r , p u s h e d h i m s e l f h a r d e r against m e , lifted a k n e e o v e r t h e g e a r stick a n d said, ' R o o m for o n e m o r e i n t h e front.' You'll pay, Koju, I t h o u g h t . You'll pay. P h a g u c h u c k l e d at m e t h r o u g h t h e w i n d o w a n d t o u c h e d m e o n t h e s h o u l d e r . I g l o w e r e d at h i m , t h e n w e w e r e off, b u m p , c r u n c h , g r i n d , across t h e fields a n d o n t o t h e r o a d . W e

made

several c h a i stops a l o n g t h e w a y so t h a t t h e w o m e n a n d c h i l d r e n w h o h a d b e e n sick i n t h e b a c k c o u l d w a s h a n d r e c o v e r a little. P a r m a was w h i t e r than m e a n d h a d b e e n using m y w i n d o w to v o m i t o u t of. T h e b l o k e s w e r e all r i g h t b e c a u s e t h e y w e r e sitting o n t h e l u g g a g e r a c k k e e p i n g a n e y e o u t for p o l i c e m e n a n d o c c a s i o n ­ ally d r o p p i n g t h e i r h e a d s b e t w e e n t h e i r feet t o g i g g l e at m e u p s i d e d o w n t h r o u g h t h e w i n d s c r e e n i n s u c h a w a y as t o m a k e s e e i n g t h e road ahead impossible. W h y d i d I n o t ask K o j u , m y driver, t o drive? I t h i n k it h a d s o m e t h i n g t o d o w i t h a p r i m i t i v e r e s p o n s e t o sulk b e h a v i o u r i n w h i c h t h e s u l k e e c o u n t e r - p u n i s h e s t h e sulker b y o s t e n t a t i o u s l y p u n i s h i n g h e r s e l f so t h a t t h e sulker w i l l feel t r e m e n d o u s guilt a n d offer t o d r i v e t h e j e e p . K o j u d i d n o t offer t o d r i v e t h e j e e p o r p e r h a p s h e d i d offer a n d I said n o i n a l o n g - s u f f e r i n g s o r t o f w a y , because I was enjoying b e i n g miserable. I don't r e m e m b e r . I only r e m e m b e r a r r i v i n g h o u r s later at t h e base o f a m o u n t a i n

and

b e i n g c o n f r o n t e d b y t h e first o f t h e n i n e t h o u s a n d , n i n e h u n d r e d a n d n i n e t y - n i n e steps l e a d i n g t o t h e s u m m i t a n d t h e u l t i m a t e t e m p l e A m b a d j i , w h e r e w e c o u l d s c o r e p o i n t s w i t h G o d so t h a t w e m i g h t n o t c o m e b a c k as c o c k r o a c h e s o r u n t o u c h a b l e s

(or

b e t t e r still, n o t c o m e b a c k at all; t h e i d e a o f w h i c h has always s t r u c k m e as a d e t e r r e n t t o faith i n t h e k a r m i c s y s t e m ) . W e p a r k e d t h e car a n d c h e c k e d o u t a n e a t i n g - h o u s e . C o o k i n g p o t s b u b b l e d o n clay stoves at t h e front w h i c h w a s o p e n t o t h e street. T i n tables sat b e h i n d i n a g l o o m p i e r c e d b y shards o f l i g h t f r o m t h e roof. Little pigs r a n u p t h e front steps a n d u n d e r t h e 169

tables f r o m t i m e t o t i m e , o n l y t o b e k i c k e d , s q u e a l i n g , b a c k i n t o t h e street. T h e walls a n d w o o d e n struts o f t h e r e s t a u r a n t w e r e plastered w i t h pictures of various gods, p e o p l e w h o h a d c l i m b e d A m b a d j i a n d m e m b e r s o f t h e r e s t a u r a t e u r s family, o f w h o m t h e r e s e e m e d t o b e t h o u s a n d s . N a g j i , m y little f r i e n d , a n d I sat at a table a n d s h a r e d a c i g a r e t t e ; e v e r y o n e h a d tea o r f o o d e x c e p t P a r m a w h o l o u n g e d against t h e car. B e s i d e t h e cafe w a s a b l u e ' h o t e l ' . A f e w h a w k e r s sold t h e i r v e g e t a b l e s i n t h e l a n e b u t u n l i k e so m a n y o t h e r temples I h a d visited t h e a t m o s p h e r e a r o u n d Ambadji was p e a c e f u l . H e r e o n e c o u l d i m a g i n e G o d as a q u i e t , r u m i n a t i v e s o r t o f fellow. T h e b u i l d i n g s g a t h e r e d t h e m s e l v e s i n t o t h e r o c k w h i c h p l u n g e d straight i n t o t h e g r o u n d , like a n island i n t o t h e sea. I n a cleft, t w e n t y y a r d s away, c u t i n t o t h e m o u n t a i n w a s t h e flight o f steps, a b o u t t e n feet w i d e a n d o v e r h u n g b y masses o f d a r k g r a n i t e . Little caves i n t h e r o c k b e s i d e t h e steps c o n t a i n e d a f e w s h o p s selling t e m p l e offerings a n d p a i n t i n g s o f t h e g o d s b e d e c k e d i n tinsel. T h e staircase b e c k o n e d u p a m o d e s t rise, t h e n

disappeared

a r o u n d a b e n d . S e c r e t i v e steps, s n u g g l i n g i n t o t h e i r m o t h e r s t o n e , g i v i n g y o u a sense o f e n t e r i n g s o m e t h i n g r a t h e r t h a n a s c e n d i n g it. P e r h a p s t h e a n c i e n t m a s o n s h a d u n d e r s t o o d t h a t if t h e m o u n t a i n e v e n h i n t e d at w h a t it w o u l d cost t o r e a c h its s u m m i t , n o m o r t a l w o u l d ever b e g i n . M y t o u r i s t g u i d e w a s w r i t t e n i n H i n d i , so at t h e t i m e I d i d n o t k n o w a b o u t t h e t e n t h o u s a n d m i n u s o n e steps. E v e n if I h a d it w o u l d h a v e m a d e n o difference. I, t o o , w a s s m i t t e n w i t h s u m m i t fever t h o u g h for less o b v i o u s l y r e l i g i o u s reasons. L a t e r I w a s t o l d t h e r e w e r e o n l y six t h o u s a n d , n i n e h u n d r e d a n d n i n e t y - n i n e steps b u t d e c i d i n g , finally, j u s t h o w m a n y steps t h e r e are t o A m b a d j i w o u l d b e like d e c i d i n g h o w m a n y angels d a n c e o n t h e h e a d o f a pin. I w a i t e d for D r e a m b o a t t o t a k e t h e c a m e r a b a g f r o m m e as a n y w e l l - b r o u g h t - u p y o u n g m a n w o u l d d o , w h e t h e r o r n o t it w a s his j o b , b u t h e w a s already d i s a p p e a r i n g u p t h e cleft. N a k k i , G e l o , L a k h m a a n d Jaivi t o o k t h e lead. N a g j i h e l d m y h a n d . P a r m a called t o m e t o w a i t for h e r . W e b e g a n t o c l i m b . T h e higher o n e w e n t the lighter the heart b e c a m e and the closer o n e felt t o t h e spirit o f t h e m o u n t a i n a n d t o t h e p e o p l e w h o h a d f a s h i o n e d t h e s e stairs. W i n t e r s u n s p a r k l e d o n r o c k ; alti¬

170

t u d e b r e e z e s lifted k u r t a s a n d s w a l l o w e d sweat. M o n k e y s a c c o s t e d us. E a c h b e n d t u r n e d , each plateau reached, presented s o m e t h i n g n e w — a s h r i n e set i n a n i c h e , a m i n u t e c h a i s h o p s h a d e d b y r o c k , a s t a n d o f f l o w e r i n g s h r u b s a n d trees, a small t e m p l e w i t h bells r i n g i n g a n d g o d s s t a r i n g t h r o u g h glass eyes, a s a d h u i n

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offering his p r a s h a d a n d t a k i n g o u r c o i n s w i t h a r a p t u r o u s smile, vistas b e l o w , a l o o m i n g mass a b o v e c h a n g i n g s h a p e a n d w e i g h t w i t h e v e r y t u r n o f t h e stairs. E a c h t u r n r e v e a l e d a n e w p e r s p e c t i v e o n w h e r e y o u h a d b e e n b e f o r e — a m e t a p h o r for life. T h e R a b a r i d i d n o t s e e m i n t e r e s t e d i n a n y a e s t h e t i c pleasures t h e m o u n t a i n m i g h t offer. F o r t h e m t h e c l i m b w a s a s e r i o u s b u s i ­ ness. A t e v e r y h o l y p l a c e t h e y gave o u t t h e i r m o n e y o r t h e i r gifts a n d w e r e blessed, as if t h e y w e r e m a k i n g u p for all t h o s e godless days o n t h e d a n g a n d all t h a t w e r e t o c o m e . O n l y t h e I r o n V i r g i n s e e m e d t o h a r b o u r a r o m a n t i c streak. E a c h t i m e w e s t o p p e d she lay d o w n t o l o o k , d r e a m i l y , at t h e sky, t h e b i r d s , t h e trees, a cliff c h a r g i n g t h r o u g h c l o u d s p i l o t e d b y a n eagle. ' H o , R a t t i b e n . ' I t u r n e d a r o u n d t o see t h a t s h e w a s still g a z i n g u p w a r d . I w e n t b a c k t o her. She tried to get up, fainted, c a m e to, t h r e w u p , f a i n t e d again, t h e n g o t u p . 'Let's go,' s h e said. I w a s n o t t o l e t a n y o n e k n o w h o w ill s h e w a s b u t b y a b o u t t h e t h o u s a n d t h step, the others began to notice. N a k k i , t h o u g h happy to wait w i t h her until Parma recovered herself, w a s a n y t h i n g b u t s o f t - h e a r t e d . It w a s i n P a r m a ' s interests to get to the t o p a n d mollycoddling w o u l d n o t help h e r to d o that. O n l y will a n d d e t e r m i n a t i o n w o u l d get h e r there, n o m a t t e r h o w ill s h e w a s . 'Jai R a m j i k i ( s o m e t h i n g ) ho,' c a m e h e r s c o u r g i n g v o i c e a n d P a r m a r e s p o n d e d t o it like a f o o t s o l d i e r i n B o a d i c e a ' s army. N o t o n c e d i d she c o m p l a i n . N o t o n c e d i d s h e t h i n k o f g i v i n g u p . S h e w o u l d d r a g h e r s e l f o u t o f a s w o o n , h e r face y e l l o w a n d slimy, g r i n at m e , v o m i t , d i g m e i n t h e b a c k as if I w e r e t h e o n e h o l d i n g e v e r y o n e u p a n d h a u l h e r s e l f u p t h e steps, a h a n d d r a p e d u p o n m y s h o u l d e r t o l o o k like a g e s t u r e o f i n t i m a c y r a t h e r t h a n t h e l i f e - s u p p o r t it really w a s . B u t if I l o o k e d overly c o n c e r n e d o r m a d e a b i g t o - d o o f h e l p i n g h e r , s h e ' d give m e t h a t ' d o n ' t m a k e m e p u k e ' l o o k a n d struggle along o n h e r o w n . Impossible n o t to love such people, even w h e n y o u h a t e d t h e m .

A c t u a l l y b y t h e t h r e e t h o u s a n d t h b u t o n e step it w a s m o s t l y K o j u I h a t e d . W h e n e v e r I c a u g h t u p w i t h h i m h e w o u l d cast m e a l o o k i n w h i c h c o n f l i c t i n g e m o t i o n s lay unsuccessfully c o n c e a l e d , like t h e w o u n d e d g a z e o f s o m e h a l f - w i t lover. I h a n d e d h i m t h e c a m e r a b a g . H e t o o k it. W e d i d n o t speak. Halfway u p was a cluster of temples, their d o m e s inlaid w i t h b l u e m o s a i c . T h e y l o o k e d like l u s c i o u s fat c u p - c a k e s s t a c k e d o n t h e side o f t h e m o u n t a i n a n d t h e sight o f t h e m m a d e y o u w a n t t o s w a l l o w d o w n t h e sight a n d g r a b for m o r e . P a r m a w o r e t h a t quizzical, t o l e r a n t l o o k as I o o h e d a n d a a h e d . T o h e r t h e y m i g h t as w e l l h a v e b e e n b u i l t o f b r e e z e - b l o c k a n d it s t r u c k m e

as

p e c u l i a r t h a t t h e R a b a r i , w h o h a v e s u c h a fine a e s t h e t i c o f t h e i r o w n , s h o u l d b e b l i n d t o t h e w o n d e r s t h a t lay a r o u n d

them,

a p p a r e n t l y u n a b l e t o tell t h e difference b e t w e e n t h e s u b l i m e a n d t h e kitsch. It t o o k us five h o u r s t o r e a c h t h e p e n u l t i m a t e p e a k . T h e closer w e g o t t o t h e t o p , t h e f e w e r t h e s h o p s a n d t h e faithful, t h e s l o w e r a n d m o r e a g o n i z i n g t h e c l i m b . B u t t h e air h a d a c h a m p a g n e q u a l ­ ity a n d w e w e r e so close t o o u r goal, w e l a u g h e d away o u r e x ­ h a u s t i o n . P a r m a w a s feeling so m u c h b e t t e r t h a t she c o u l d k e e p d o w n w a t e r a n d n o l o n g e r n e e d e d t o l e a n o n m e . T h e p a t h passed b y t h e s h r i n e o f y e t a n o t h e r B r a h m i n p r i e s t w h o w a i t e d like a s p i d e r i n this c h o i c e p o s i t i o n t o ' g i v e ' w a t e r t o t h e thirsty. W h e n it c a m e m y t u r n h e d e m a n d e d a w a t c h a n d a h u n d r e d r u p e e s . G e l o said, s h o c k e d , ' B u t she's w i t h us.' I said it d i d n ' t m a t t e r , I d i d n o t w a n t w a t e r f r o m s u c h a m a n a n d p o u r e d it b a c k i n t o his l o t a . A t last w e c o u l d see A m b a d j i o n a p i n n a c l e a h e a d o f us. A f e w h u n d r e d steps d o w n a g o r g e , t h e n u p t h e p r e c i p i t o u s r o c k wall. I d e c i d e d n o t t o a c c o m p a n y t h e m for this final leg. It w a s t h e i r day, t h e i r p l a c e , t h e i r g o d s . I sat against w a r m s t o n e a n d w a t c h e d s u n o n a p a t c h o f g o l d e n grass — a m i n i a t u r e Z e n g a r d e n set i n g r a n i t e . W h e n I w a s full u p t o t h e t o p w i t h t h e bliss o f t h e b e a u t i f u l , I w a n d e r e d b a c k t o t h e last c h a i s h o p o n t h e m o u n t a i n . It w a s t h e u s u a l m a k e s h i f t p l a c e o p e n o n t w o sides, t h e c h a i p o t s at t h e front, tables at t h e b a c k i n t h e d a r k . I w a s t h e o n l y c u s t o m e r . T h e s h o p o w n e r c o n t i n u e d t o gaze o u t at t h e b l u e air w h i c h fell away b e l o w , j u s t t e n yards f r o m his feet. A m i d g e t , dressed i n r e d shirt a n d t i n y s a r o n g , s c u r r i e d a r o u n d i n t h e d a r k , s w e e p 172

i n g a n d m u t t e r i n g . All else w a s q u i e t . W h e n I w e n t t o p a y m y bill I said, ' H o w d o y o u g e t y o u r p r o v i s i o n s u p h e r e ? ' H e s m i l e d d r e a m i l y . ' E v e r y day I w a l k d o w n ; e v e r y day I w a l k up.' T h e y w e r e radiant w h e n they returned. E v e n Koju

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h a p p y . I fell i n b e s i d e h i m a n d asked h i m t o stick w i t h m e as I m i g h t w a n t t o t a k e p i c t u r e s . T h e R a b a r i s k i p p e d off a h e a d , saying w e w o u l d m e e t u p at t h e base. After half a n h o u r t h e r e s e e m e d t o b e n o o n e left o n t h e m o u n t a i n . D a r k w a s s e e p i n g o u t o f t h e r o c k a n d it w a s difficult t o see t h e steps a h e a d . G o i n g u p h a d b e e n m o r e e x h a u s t i n g b u t c o m i n g d o w n w a s m o r e painful.

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c r e a k e d a n d c o m p l a i n e d . C a l v e s c r a m p e d . Blisters f o r m e d . H o w I e n v i e d K o j u his y o u t h , t h a t casual e n e r g y y o u d o n o t realize y o u h a v e u n t i l it's g o n e . T h o u g h h e , t o o , let o u t little g r o a n s n o w a n d then. W e t r a m p e d o n in the darkness. B u t at t h e b a s e t h e r e w e r e n o ladies i n black; t h e r e s t a u r a n t w a l l a h h a d n o t s e e n t h e m ; t h e y w e r e still s o m e w h e r e u p t h e m o u n ­ t a i n . B u t w h e r e w o u l d t h e y sleep? S e c o n d q u e s t i o n , w h e r e w o u l d w e sleep? K o j u d e c i d e d t o sleep i n t h e car. I asked h i m t o g e t m e a r o o m i n t h e b l u e h o t e l . It w a s fifty r u p e e s . Fifty r u p e e s for a r o o m e m p t y o f a n y t h i n g save a d o z e n j u m ­ b l e d quilts so greasy w i t h u s e t h e y h a d t u r n e d b l a c k , a l i g h t s w i t c h a n d b e d b u g s . I k e p t t h e l i g h t o n a n d lay d o w n g i n g e r l y o n t h e filthy razais. T h e walls w e r e t h i n . T h e r e w a s n o l o c k o n t h e d o o r . A fat m a n i n a w h i t e singlet b a r g e d i n , t h e n b a r g e d o u t a g a i n . F o r s o m e h o u r s I lay l i s t e n i n g t o t r u l y a w e s o m e b e l c h i n g , f a r t i n g a n d t h i r t y - s e c o n d t h r o a t c l e a r i n g s f o l l o w e d b y a splat o f spit, c h i l d r e n w a i l i n g , a w i f e c r y i n g a n d t o cap it, l o u d s p e a k e r s n o t

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yards away, s c r e e c h i n g bhajjans i n t o t h e n i g h t . T h i s is hell, I t h o u g h t , a n d lay t h e r e , g n a w e d b y b u g s a n d b y l o a t h i n g for m y species. A t a b o u t t h r e e i n t h e m o r n i n g I w e n t t o sleep i n t h e car with Koju. W h e n t h e ravens tap, tap, t a p p e d o n t h e w i n d o w at d a y b r e a k I w a s n o t h a p p y . T h e y h a d s p e n t a fine n i g h t u n d e r t h e stars o n c h a r p o i s u p i n t h a t c o o l air. W h y h a d I c o m e d o w n h e r e ? W e b r e a k f a s t e d , t h e n all p i l e d i n . B u t w e d i d n o t h e a d b a c k t o t h e d a n g , a h n o . It w a s n e c e s s a r y t h a t w e s t o p at e v e r y t e m p l e i n J u n a g a d h . B y m i d - m o r n i n g I h a d s e e n e n o u g h step wells a n d g o n g e d e n o u g h bells t o see m e t h r o u g h lifetimes. I n t h e c e n t r e o f 173

t o w n I p a r k e d t h e car a n d left t h e m t o it. B u t t h e j e e p w a s t o o h o t t o d o z e i n , so I w e n t l o o k i n g for a tea s h o p w h e r e I c o u l d sleep sitting u p . I w a n t e d t o b e left a l o n e . T h a t w a s all. I w a l k e d a r o u n d t h e t o w n l o o k i n g for a d e n t o c r a w l i n t o . I w a s f o l l o w e d b y m e n w h o hissed a n d g i g g l e d . I f o u n d a s t o n e a n d sat o n it. A c r o w d g a t h e r e d . I p u t m y h e a d d o w n i n t o m y h a n d s a n d a b s e n t e d m y s e l f m e n t a l l y . A f e w m o m e n t s later I l o o k e d u p a n d t h e r e , n o t a f o o t f r o m m y face, w a s a r o w o f m e n ' s c r o t c h e s . A b o v e t h e c r o t c h e s w a s a r o w o f eyes l o o k i n g at m e i n t h a t d e a d w a y . A c h o k i n g s e n s a t i o n filled m y t h r o a t , b u r s t b e h i n d m y eyes. I b e g a n h u r r y i n g t h r o u g h t h e streets t h i n k i n g I h a t e I n d i a , I h a t e I n d i a , I hate India. I sat i n a tea s h o p . O p e n drains full o f g r e y slime r a n b e n e a t h m y feet. A little b o y was w a s h i n g plates a n d c u p s i n a b o w l o f water glutinous with

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A r o u n d t h e b o y a n d t h e plates a n d t h e p l a t e scrapings a n d t h e slime — a n i m b u s o f flies. T h e c h i l d h i m s e l f so t h i n y o u c o u l d h a v e clasped y o u r fingers a r o u n d his waist. B e s i d e us was a b u i l d i n g t h a t c o u l d h a v e g r a c e d a street i n Paris o r u p p e r w e s t side N e w Y o r k . B u t it was b r o k e n d o w n , t h e w i n d o w s b l i n d e d b y c a r d b o a r d a n d t i n — a s l u m o f c r u m b l i n g m o r t a r a n d b r o k e n glass s u r r o u n d e d b y g a r b a g e a n d t h e smell o f shit. W h a t d i d o t h e r p e o p l e see t h a t I c o u l d n o t see? O r w h a t w a s I s e e i n g t h a t o t h e r s a p p a r e n t l y d i d n o t see? T h e w e l l - o f f w e s t e r n e r s w h o c a m e h e r e for e n l i g h t e n m e n t , w h a t d i d t h e y see? T h i s r e p r e s ­ s i o n a n d c o r r u p t i o n , spiritual? T h i s w o r s h i p o f t h e r u p e e , n o n materialistic? T h i s stasis, this d e a d e n d , a g o a l t o b e r e a c h e d b y humanity? I l o o k e d d o w n t h e street a n d I s a w a n e n t i r e l y n a k e d

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w a l k i n g a l o n g , s m e a r e d i n ash. I saw a figure i n b l a c k a n d r e d , also s m e a r e d w i t h ash, c a r r y i n g a t h r i s h o o l w i t h w h i c h t o p i c k o u t bits o f b u r n t h u m a n flesh t o eat f r o m t h e c r e m a t i o n g r o u n d s — h i g h t a n t r i c p r a c t i c e . I saw a d w a r f selling plastic c o m b s , h a i r - b a n d s a n d b o b b y - p i n s f r o m a w o o d e n trolley. H e w a s t h e ugliest little m a n I'd e v e r s e e n a n d o n his h e a d w a s a n e n o r m o u s t o u p e e . Yet n o o n e w a s l o o k i n g at t h e s e t r i b u t e s t o h u m a n diversity, t h e y w e r e l o o k ­ i n g at m e . A n d t h e i r eyes w e r e p e e l i n g m y flesh away. I w e n t t o h i d e i n a car. 174

B y m i d - a f t e r n o o n w e w e r e h e a d i n g o u t o f t o w n . A s w e passed t h r o u g h t h e city wall, a g r e a t s h o u t w e n t u p f r o m t h e o c c u p a n t s o f t h e car. T h e y h a d b e e n t o so m a n y t e m p l e s a n d d o u s e d t h e m s e l v e s w i t h so m u c h h o l y w a t e r , t h e i r souls w e r e t r a n s p a r e n t . T h e y c a r ­ r i e d b o t t l e s o f w a t e r f r o m t h e step wells o f v a r i o u s t e m p l e s t o t a k e h o m e t o l o v e d o n e s a n d t e m p l e j u n k blessed b y B r a h m i n s ; t h e y h a d e a t e n all t h e i r s t o m a c h s c o u l d c a r r y a n d t h e y w e r e b e i n g d r i v e n h o m e i n ' t h e i r ' t a x i b y ' t h e i r ' driver. W e arrived b a c k in t h e evening b u t n o o n e r u s h e d immediately into camp. T h e r e was to b e a ritual w e l c o m i n g a n d exchange of t h e sacred w a t e r . I s h o u l d h a v e r e m a i n e d w i t h t h e r e t u r n i n g g r o u p b u t w a s a l l o w e d t o g o t o t a k e p i c t u r e s o f H a t t i b e i n g dressed u p for t h e o c c a s i o n . It w a s she w h o w o u l d a c c e p t t h e w a t e r . T w o o l d e r w o m e n m a d e h e r u p - k o h l a n d lipstick, a n a n t i q u e , h e a v i l y b e a d e d a n d e m b r o i d e r e d h e a d d r e s s c o n s i s t i n g o f t w o discs c o v e r ­ i n g t h e ears. O n h e r h e a d w a s p l a c e d a small p o t . S h e b e g a n t o t r e m b l e , j u s t as if s h e w e r e a b o u t t o d e l i v e r Portia's m e r c y s p e e c h b e f o r e a n a u d i e n c e o f t h o u s a n d s . W h e n e v e r y t h i n g was r e a d y , t h e t w o p a r t i e s faced e a c h o t h e r across t h e field a n d b e g a n t o sing. T h e y walked slowly towards each other. H a t t i was in t h e midst of h e r party, b e i n g held and aided by the older w o m e n . T h e n she m o v e d a little i n front, q u i e t l y c o n f i d e n t n o w , t h e R a b a r i g e n i u s e m b o d i e d i n her. A n d t h e v e n o m t h a t h a d c o l l e c t e d i n m y b l o o d t h a t d a y w a s n e u t r a l i z e d b y t h e sight o f h e r . A f t e r t h a t it w a s b a c k t o n o r m a l life. M y r e n d i t i o n o f P a r m a climbing to Ambadji was to b e c o m e a popular set-piece

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J u n a g a d h , a n d t h e fear o f t h a t rage. It b u b b l e d u p f r o m s o m e w h e r e d e e p a n d w a s t o o s t r o n g t o s t a u n c h . T h e w o r d s 'I h a t e I n d i a ' d i d n o t fit w i t h t h e p e r s o n I t h o u g h t I w a s . E v e r y t h i n g e n r a g e d m e b u t w h a t e n r a g e d m e m o s t w a s t h e sense o f h o p e l e s s n e s s , t h a t whatever o n e m i g h t try to d o to change things w o u l d be crushed b y t h e vast w e i g h t o f this c o u n t r y , a w e i g h t m e a s u r e d n o t j u s t b y mass b u t b y t i m e . Y o u c o u l d n o t fight I n d i a . It t a u g h t y o u passivity o r it d r o v e y o u m a d .

14 D i l i p was a b o u t t h e least passive p e r s o n I'd e v e r c o m e across. W h e r e I c o u l d l e t m o s t t h i n g s r i d e o v e r m e , D i l i p t o o k issue o n e v e r y p o i n t . If a b e g g a r d e m a n d e d t w o r u p e e s i n s t e a d o f t h e o n e g i v e n , D i l i p g r a b b e d t h e first r u p e e b a c k . W h e n p e o p l e g a t h e r e d a r o u n d m e i n t h e street, h e s h o u t e d at t h e m , 'Let's g o t o y o u r h o u s e a n d l e e r at your m o t h e r s a n d sisters.' If a g o v e r n m e n t w a l l a h sat d o i n g n o t h i n g w h i l e s u p p l i c a n t s w a i t e d , D i l i p t h u m p e d t h e d e s k a n d d e m a n d e d a t t e n t i o n . N o t h i n g e s c a p e d his f u r i o u s

scrutiny.

O r , p e r h a p s , n o t h i n g a l l o w e d h i m t o escape. W o r k i n g w i t h a p h o t o g r a p h e r o n a p r o j e c t s u c h as this is b o u n d t o h a v e its frustrations. B u t w h e n e v e r y step t a k e n is c o n f o u n d e d b y difficulties, t h e n it is g o o d t o find s o m e c o m m o n g r o u n d . A n d n o w t h a t I finally a d m i t t e d t o b e i n g u n h i n g e d b y this c o u n t r y , w e had found just that — India-bashing. T h e r e w a s s o m e t h i n g else D i l i p offered m e , t h e s e d u c t i o n s o f relative c o m f o r t . H e n e e d e d t o stay i n a h o t e l b e c a u s e o f his e q u i p m e n t a n d also b e c a u s e h e c o u l d n o t see t h e p o i n t o f d o i n g a n y t h i n g else. I h a d f o u n d h i m t h e b e s t o n e i n R a j k o t — a m o d e r n vertical w a r r e n i n s u c h a state o f d i l a p i d a t i o n t h a t it h a d

an

o r g a n i c l o o k a b o u t it. E l e c t r i c a l cables d r a p e d it like j u n g l e v i n e s ; c e m e n t p e e l e d f r o m its facade like slabs o f g r a n i t e

from

J u n a g a d h m o u n t a i n . D i l i p said, ' W h y a r e n ' t y o u staying h e r e as well?' A w h o l e r o o m to myself in w h i c h to w r i t e u p notes, wash m y c l o t h e s , sleep o n a h o r i z o n t a l surface. I n this r o o m I c o u l d b e t h e o t h e r R o b y n D a v i d s o n for a w h i l e . W h y p u n i s h m y s e l f ? I c o u l d c o m e t o a t o w n e a c h w e e k for a d a y o r so, t a k e a b a t h , h a v e a d e c e n t sleep a n d d r i v e t h e j e e p b a c k o u t t o t h e d a n g afterwards. 176

W h y , t h e R a b a r i t h e m s e l v e s w o u l d t h i n k m e a fool for staying w i t h t h e m w h e n I could be in an air-conditioned hotel. B y the e n d of that shoot m y r o o m was n o longer a l u x u r y b u t as n e c e s s a r y t o m e as a snail's shell is t o a snail. O n t h e last day w h e n I t h o u g h t I m u s t surely c r a c k a l o n g t h e m a n y fault lines appearing in m y character, a beggar, c o m i n g t h r o u g h t h e crowds already s u r r o u n d i n g m e a n d b l o c k i n g m y w a y , a c c o s t e d m e as I w a s g e t t i n g i n t o Dilip's car. I d i d n o t w a n t h e r t o t u g at m y c l o t h e s like t h a t , p e r s i s t i n g , s n a t c h i n g at m y sleeve n o w , aggressively, w h i n ­ i n g and scratching, b u t w i t h an edge of anger. T h e m o r e she p e r s i s t e d , t h e d e e p e r m y resolve t o give h e r n o t h i n g . I felt m y s t o m a c h t i g h t e n , u n r e a s o n b u b b l i n g , r i s i n g . I g o t i n t o t h e car a n d t r i e d t o roll t h e w i n d o w u p . H e r a r m c a m e t h r o u g h , p o k i n g a n d j a b b i n g . I t u r n e d a n d l o o k e d h e r i n t h e eyes a n d b e t w e e n us p a s s e d p u r e h a t r e d . I g r a b b e d h e r a r m a n d f l u n g it o u t o f t h e w i n d o w . D i l i p d r o v e off h o n k i n g his h o r n a n d t h r e a t e n i n g t o r u n d o w n t h o s e w h o w e r e s l o w t o g e t o u t o f his w a y . W e w e n t to an air-conditioned restaurant. T h e r e w e r e waiters w i t h trays a n d s t a r c h e d c l o t h s . W e sat b y a plate-glass w i n d o w w h i c h s e p a r a t e d us f r o m t h e life o f t h e street. Its d i s c o m f o r t s . Its desperations. 'I w a n t e d t o h i t t h a t w o m a n . ' D i l i p l o o k e d at m e a n d r e g i s t e r e d t h a t I w a s t r e m b l i n g . W i t h g e n u i n e c o n c e r n h e said, ' W h e n it gets t h a t b a d , it's t i m e t o leave.' W h e n he had gone back to Delhi, I decided to recuperate in t h e h o t e l for a c o u p l e m o r e days. A f t e r p r o p p i n g m y s e l f u n d e r t h e s h o w e r for a n h o u r , I t u r n e d o n t h e t e l e v i s i o n t o d u n k m y p s y c h e in a stream in English. I did n o t w a n t to k n o w w h a t was g o i n g o n i n t h e w o r l d . It w a s t o o far away a n d it h a d n o t h i n g t o d o w i t h w h e r e I w a s . I j u s t w a n t e d t o b e e m b r a c e d b y m y l a n g u a g e . It w a s like h o m e s i c k n e s s . T h e n I r a n g N a r e n d r a a n d m y t h i n spirit t r i c k ­ l e d gratefully i n t o t h e o c e a n o f his. 'I d o n ' t k n o w w h a t t o d o . D i l i p asked m e , " W h e r e ' s t h e s t o r y ? " and I honestly don't k n o w ' 'Hmm.' 'So I ' m t h i n k i n g of walking back to J o d h p u r w i t h m y camels, travelling w i t h o t h e r d a n g s a l o n g t h e w a y . D i l i p c a n g e t his p i c ­ t u r e s a n d at least t h e r e ' d b e a k i n d o f s h a p e t o t h e t h i n g . ' .. • • .

177

' B u t are y o u u p t o it?' ' N o . B u t I don't t h i n k I have a choice.' 'I'll d o w h a t e v e r y o u w a n t m e to.' W h a t I w a n t e d h i m , o r a n y o n e else, t o d o was t o tell m e t h a t I h a d d o n e e n o u g h a n d could go h o m e now. B u t of course that was n o t his style. F o r s o m e u n a c c o u n t a b l e r e a s o n h e b e l i e v e d t h e r e w a s v a l u e i n w h a t I was d o i n g ; b e l i e v e d i n it e v e n w h e n I d i d n o t . Especially w h e n I d i d n o t . I m a d e a d r a m a o f t h e p r o b l e m s w i t h K o j u , w h o w a s staying i n a n o t h e r r o o m o f t h e h o t e l , as a w a y o f l e t t i n g off s t e a m , little thinking w h a t the repercussions w o u l d be. N a r e n d r a rang h i m . I d o n o t k n o w w h a t w a s said b u t t h e e n d result w a s t h a t K o j u w e n t b a c k i n tears t o J o d h p u r o n t h e b u s , a n d w a s r e p l a c e d b y s o m e o n e from the Sheep and W o o l D e p a r t m e n t in B h u j . ' B u t N a r e n d r a , I d i d n ' t m e a n y o u t o d o that.' 'Listen, yaar. Y o u ' r e u n d e r pressure. Y o u ' v e g o t t o h a v e s o m e o n e w i t h y o u y o u c a n rely o n a n d w h o is o f u s e t o y o u . If Koju's g o i n g t o b e a p r i m a d o n n a , a few weeks back here will sort h i m o u t o n e w a y o r t h e o t h e r . H e has t o w o r k o u t w h a t s o r t o f p e r s o n h e w a n t s t o be.' As it t u r n e d o u t , R a m e s h , m y n e w driver, w a s m u l t i l i n g u a l a n d a t h o u s a n d t i m e s m o r e helpful t h a n K o j u . B u t K o j u a n d I h a d b e e n t h r o u g h things together. I h a d led h i m to believe that h e was n o t so m u c h a s e r v a n t as a c o m r a d e . A n d I h a d b e t r a y e d h i m . In order n o t to think of w h a t I had done, I t u r n e d m y attention t o t h e t e l e v i s i o n . I k e p t s w i t c h i n g c h a n n e l s , t r y i n g t o fit w h a t I w a s s e e i n g - t h e spiritual d e s o l a t i o n o f m o d e r n i t y - w i t h w h e r e I h a d b e e n . G o r g e o u s w o m e n i n f a b u l o u s saris

floated

through

k i t s c h m a r b l e b a t h r o o m s w i t h g o l d taps, t r a i l i n g p i n k t o i l e t p a p e r b e h i n d t h e m like veils. O r p o u r e d H a r p i c i n t o

western-style

toilets, l e a v i n g a trail o f little stars. O r gave t h e i r s u i t e d h u s b a n d s Nestle noodles w h e n they came h o m e from work. Advertisements o f t h e grossest, m o s t m a n i p u l a t i v e k i n d , i n s i n u a t i n g t h e i r p o i s o n into every cranny of the country. A n d those g r o o m e d

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w o m e n a n n o u n c i n g t h e w o r l d ' s m o s t r e c e n t disasters. H o w alien t h e y w e r e . A n d h o w s e c u r e . H o w d i d t h o s e i m a g e s fit w i t h w h a t e x i s t e d o n t h e o t h e r side o f m y d o o r — t h e s w e e p e r s , as faceless as f u r n i t u r e , listlessly shifting d u s t f r o m o n e c o r n e r t o a n o t h e r ? T h e n e x t day I r e t u r n e d t o t h e h a r d s h i p s a n d h u m a n i t y o f t h e d a n g . 178

It was m i d - D e c e m b e r . I h a d b e e n w i t h t h e R a b a r i for a l m o s t three m o n t h s a n d m y t i m e w i t h t h e m was c o m i n g to an end. N o o n e s p o k e o f it b u t it w a s t h e r e , like a little m o a t b e t w e e n us, w i d e n i n g e a c h day. I h a d t h e j e e p w i t h m e m o s t o f t h e t i m e n o w . It s e e m e d u n n e c e s s a r i l y p u r i t a n i c a l n o t t o e n j o y t h e m o d e s t l u x u r ­ ies it afforded, s u c h as d r i v i n g t o d e c a y i n g d a k b u n g a l o w s ( g o v e r n ­ m e n t resthouses) o n c e a w e e k for h o t b u c k e t - b a t h s i n t h e p r i v a c y of a c e m e n t cubicle; a b e d in a r o o m bare of anything but b r o k e n p u n k a h a n d a m o s q u i t o n e t full o f d u s t a n d h o l e s . W h e n e v e r I r e t u r n e d , t h e y g r e e t e d m e j u s t as w a r m l y b u t it w a s as if t h e y d i d so f r o m t h e d e c k o f a s h i p w h i c h w o u l d s o o n b e l e a v i n g . W e w e r e c u t t i n g off f r o m e a c h o t h e r , s t r e a m e r b y s t r e a m e r . It w a s w i n t e r at last a n d a c o o l b r e e z e b l e w at n i g h t . T h e R a b a r i h u d d l e d against it i n t h e i r w o o l l e n shawls, like I n u i t o u t ­ side t h e i r i g l o o s . A b o v e , t h e r e w e r e m a c k e r e l c l o u d s . O u t s i d e t h e d u s t o f t h e d a n g , t h e e v e n i n g air w a s crystalline. E a c h day n o w P h a g u w e n t scouting in the jeep, R a m e s h

driving, he and I

p e r c h e d u p o n the luggage rack. T h a t almost forgotten

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w e a t h e r feeling — s e n s u o u s air m a k i n g t h e w o r l d lovely again. W e d r o v e t h r o u g h u n d u l a t i n g f a r m l a n d a n d it w a s as if t h e l i g h t w e r e refracted t h r o u g h a m e t h y s t . T h e p l o u g h e d fields w e r e p u r p l e a n d A m b a d j i , l a r g e r n o w b u t still r i d i n g t h e h o r i z o n , w a s b l u e o n p a l e pink. W h i l e life w a s easier for m e d u r i n g t h e s e last w e e k s , it w a s g r o w i n g m o r e difficult for t h e R a b a r i . T h e w a y a h e a d w a s c o n ­ s t r i c t i n g , d a r k e n i n g . A n d d e s p i t e t h e i r efforts at g o o d c h e e r , t h e a t m o s p h e r e i n t h e d a n g n o w w a s s o m b r e . O n e day w e h a d j u s t m a d e c a m p w h e n a local caste o f h e r d e r s c a m e a n d b e g a n s h o u t ­ i n g a n d t h r e a t e n i n g u s . T h e w o m e n p l a c a t e d t h e m . Yes, w e w o u l d m o v e o n . N o n e e d for t r o u b l e . A f t e r w a r d s e v e r y o n e j o k e d w i t h m e a b o u t ' w a r ' b e i n g i m m i n e n t a n d I'd b e t t e r l e a r n h o w t o use a sling. ( W e k e p t o u r sticks h a n d y n o w , j u s t i n case.) B u t t h e r e w a s a n e d g e t o t h e h u m o u r . T h e s i t u a t i o n w a s s e r i o u s . P h a g u d r o v e off t o s c o u t a n o t h e r p l a c e ; t h e rest o f us p a c k e d u p a n d w a l k e d a n e x t r a six m i l e s . E v e r y day f a r m e r s t o l d us t o m o v e o n , t h r e a t e n i n g b o t h graziers a n d w o m e n w i t h sticks o r k n i v e s . A g u n d a h c a m e t o c a m p a n d i n t i m a t e d t h a t h e w o u l d b r i n g his m a t e s a n d m a k e t r o u b l e . P h a g u 179

gave h i m five r u p e e s a n d tea. T h e m u k k i o f a local R a b a r i d a n g c a m e t o visit a n d t h e r e w a s a h e a t e d e x c h a n g e i n w h i c h P h a g u p o i n t e d t o t h e o t h e r m a n ' s s t o m a c h a n d t h e n t o his o w n . B u t it all e n d e d amicably a n d by the afternoon they were gossiping t o ­ g e t h e r like o l d h e n s . N e v e r t h e l e s s w e m u s t m o v e o n . I h a d d r i v e n t o G o n d a l , t h e n e a r e s t t o w n , t o m a k e p h o n e calls a n d h a v e a w a s h . W h e n I r e t u r n e d , e v e r y o n e was p a c k i n g u p a n d a cloud of tension h u n g over the w h o l e camp. 'Parma, what's the matter?' ' P a c k u p , R a t t i b e n . W e ' v e g o t t o go.' B l o o d h a d b e e n spilt this t i m e d e s p i t e all t h e evasive tactics a n d diplomacy. P h a g u had decided that the dang must break up into three groups. Smaller

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locals. A n d so w e l o a d e d i n silence a n d , after w a l k i n g a f e w m i l e s d o w n t h e r o a d , t h e l i n e o f c a m e l s b e g a n t o split u p . D e v s h i b h a i t o o k his g r o u p a l o n g a d i r t t r a c k t o o u r left. W e lifted o u r a r m s t o t h e m o n c e , t h e n c o n c e n t r a t e d o n t h e r o a d a h e a d . A little later Pala bhai's family a n d several o t h e r s p e e l e d off i n t h e s a m e w a y . A g a i n , t h e silent farewell. I h a d o n l y j u s t m e m o r i z e d e v e r y o n e ' s n a m e s . T h a t n i g h t t h e d a n g w a s m i s e r a b l y r e d u c e d — a b o u t fifteen o f us, i n e a c h o f t h e t h r e e c a m p s . T h e sadness w a s p a l p a b l e a n d e n v e l o p e d us like t h e d a r k . W e w o u l d n o t see o u r friends for a l o n g t i m e . F r o m n o w o n , travelling w o u l d n o t o n l y b e m o r e p h y s i ­ cally d e m a n d i n g , it w o u l d b e l o n e l i e r as w e l l . W i t h so f e w p e o p l e , t h e w o r k i n c r e a s e d t h r e e f o l d . T h e m o s t sleep t h e s h e p h e r d s c o u l d h o p e for w a s t h r e e h o u r s a n i g h t , s o m e t i m e s less. T h e little b o y s w o r k e d like m e n a n d c a m e i n at n i g h t w i t h g r e y faces. As for P h a g u , s o m e t i m e s I d o n ' t t h i n k h e slept at all. N a k k i , Jaivi, P a r m a a n d I w e n t t o d o s o m e s h o p p i n g . ( N o o n e even t h o u g h t of walking any more.) Like a multitude of other little I n d i a n villages, a l i n e o f s h o p s o p e n e d t o a d i r t street, a t r e e a n d a w e l l at o n e e n d ( w h e r e w e w a s h e d o u r feet), n o t h i n g n e s s at t h e o t h e r . T h e local s c h o o l t e a c h e r w a s n o t i f i e d o f m y p r e s e n c e . H e i n v i t e d us i n t o his h o u s e w h e r e w e sat i n t h e c o o l o f his c o u r t y a r d — t h e w o m e n i n t h e i r b l a c k r o b e s sitting i n a s e m i ­ circle, b a c k s straight, c o n s c i o u s o f t h e i r d i s t i n c t i o n a n d style. I t h o u g h t h o w sad I w o u l d b e t o leave t h e m . T h e t e a c h e r said, ' T h e s e are p o o r p e o p l e b u t g o o d p e o p l e . 180

T h e y d o n ' t a n g r y a n y o n e . T h e oldest p e o p l e i n I n d i a . Y o u m u s t d o s o m e t h i n g for t h e m . ' N a k k i a n d t h e o t h e r s p r e e n e d t h e m s e l v e s u n d e r his praise. 'Yes,' t h e y a g r e e d , ' w e are liberal p e o p l e . W e d o n o t j u d g e o t h e r s b u t let e v e r y o n e be.' T h e y strove t o l o o k l o n g - s u f f e r i n g , as b e f i t t e d d o w n ­ t r o d d e n masses, b u t it d i d n ' t w o r k . T h e t w i t c h o f R a b a r i c h e e k b r o k e t h r o u g h , q u i t e s p o i l i n g t h e i r act. T h e t e a c h e r gave t h e m g r a i n , saying, ' M o t h e r Teresa gives. I t o o give.' I asked h i m if h e w a s a C h r i s t i a n . ' N o , M a d a m . I a m an Indian.' H e h a n d e d the w o m e n

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r u p e e s e a c h , w h i c h t h e y g r a c i o u s l y a c c e p t e d , N a k k i ' s eyes l u m i ­ n o u s w i t h g r e e d . T h e n t h e w o m e n o f t h e h o u s e b r o u g h t tea. D a y s like this d i d n ' t h a p p e n o f t e n t o t h e R a b a r i . O u t i n t h e street N a k k i said seriously, ' H e w a s a g o o d m a n . ' B u t e v e r y o n e e r u p t e d i n t o giggles a n d b o l t e d d o w n t h e street as free o f d e f e r e n c e as t h e w i n d . B a c k at t h e d a n g , w h e n t h e s t o r y w a s t o l d , P h a g u l a u g h e d , p u t his a r m a r o u n d m y s h o u l d e r s a n d said, ' Y o u c a n stay w i t h us for five years if y o u w a n t . ' T h e n e x t day I h o p p e d o n R a m R a h i m for t h e first t i m e since l e a v i n g B h u j a n d p a c e d h i m t o t h e field w h e r e I k n e w P h a g u was sitting w i t h s o m e local Patels. I t h i n k it t i c k l e d h i m , s e e i n g m e s p e e d i n g a l o n g . ' S h e is w i t h us,' h e said g r i n n i n g t o t h e f a r m e r s w h o s e eyes w i d e n e d at t h e sight. I d i s m o u n t e d a n d w e w a l k e d t o g e t h e r t o t h e o t h e r e n d o f a field t o tie R a m R a h i m t o a t r e e h e c o u l d eat. It w a s t h e n I t o l d P h a g u t h a t I w o u l d , after all, b e l e a v i n g t h e m a n d h a d d e c i d e d t o w a l k b a c k t o J o d h p u r . W e sat t o g e t h e r for a w h i l e . H e said t h a t t h e y w o u l d miss m e b u t I t h i n k h e p r o b a b l y m e a n t t h e j e e p . I w o u l d so like t o h a v e b e e n able t o say, ' Y o u are a m o s t r e m a r k a b l e m a n . ' I h a d friends a r r i v i n g f r o m Australia for C h r i s t m a s . W e w o u l d h a v e a c o u p l e o f w e e k s ' h o l i d a y t o g e t h e r at N a r e n d r a ' s h o u s e i n t h e H i m a l a y a s , d u r i n g w h i c h , I felt sure, m y o l d self w o u l d b e reinstated and m y energy returned. I w o u l d have M o m a l , Sumal a n d C h u t r a R a m R a i k a s e n t h e r e . C h u t r a c o u l d s c o u t a r o u n d for a n y d a n g s travelling i n t h e d i r e c t i o n o f J o d h p u r a n d w h e n I r e ­ t u r n e d w e w o u l d set off t o g e t h e r . I t o l d m y s e l f t h a t I r e s e n t e d h a v i n g t o fulfil m y o b l i g a t i o n s i n i Si

this w a y . B u t w e r e n ' t t h e r e , i n this n e w p l a n , shreds o f d r e a m s h a n g i n g a r o u n d like t a t t e r e d p r a y e r flags m o n t h s after t h e c r e m a ­ tion? A n d that old sunset and d u n e picture, w h i c h I h a d t h o u g h t l o n g lost, was still t h e r e — b l o t c h e d , f a d e d a n d c u r l i n g at t h e e d g e s , b u t r o m a n t i c still. I n m y i m a g i n a t i o n I s a w a c o u n t r y r o a d w i n d ­ i n g t h r o u g h g r a n i t e hills o r t h r e a d i n g t h e sides o f d u n e s . H e r e a n d t h e r e , p e o p l e o n b i c y c l e s o r b u l l o c k carts c a m e a l o n g , p a y i n g little a t t e n t i o n t o t h e R a i k a , t h e w o m a n a n d t h e t h r e e c a m e l s . W i t h this i m a g e w e n t a sense o f i n n e r f r e e d o m , a k i n d o f e x p a n s i v e n e s s i n t h e c h e s t as if a t i g h t b a n d h a d b e e n l o o s e n e d . I w o u l d b e able t o ' s e e ' at last w h a t w a s a r o u n d m e , able t o e n g a g e w i t h it. I w o u l d b e a l l o w e d ' i n ' . I w o u l d find s o m e w a y o f c a m o u f l a g i n g m y s e l f — w e a r i n g a black w i g or a M u s l i m burqa. There

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p u n i s h m e n t : t h e q u e s t for m e a n i n g , o f w h i c h , so far, this c u r i o u s j o u r n e y had remained void. C h u t r a a r r i v e d w i t h t h e c a m e l s a n d a n i n d e x f i n g e r t h e size o f a canteloup — snake bite. H e unravelled the dirty w h i t e b a n d a g e to s h o w w h a t l o o k e d like g a n g r e n e t o m e . H a d h e s e e n a d o c t o r ? O n c e , weeks ago, b u t h e h a d r u n o u t of medicine. H e h a d h o w ­ ever p e r f o r m e d t h e a p p r o p r i a t e puja. W e u n l o a d e d M o m a l a n d S u m a l n e a r G o n d a l . It w o u l d n o t d o t o t a k e t h e m t o t h e d a n g as t h e y w e r e females a n d t h e d a n g c a m e l s w e r e bulls. W e f o u n d a f a r m o n w h i c h t o leave t h e m , t h e n h e a d e d off for t h e d a n g . C h u t r a , n a t u r a l l y , b o a s t e d all a f t e r n o o n a n d t r e a t e d m y

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friends w i t h b a r e l y c o n c e a l e d disdain. I s e n t h i m b a c k t o t h e P a t e l f a r m w i t h his s n a k e b i t e a n d his e l a b o r a t e c o m p l a i n t s . P h a g u ' s lips m o v e d , j u s t t h e m e r e s t h i n t o f a t w i t c h , a n d h e gave m e a l o o k . O h , t h o s e e l o q u e n t l o o k s , so d i s c e r n i n g , so r i c h w i t h m e a n i n g . H o w I w o u l d miss t h e m . If l o o k s c a n b e r e a d , t h e n P h a g u ' s w e r e G o g o l a n d S t e r n e . A n d C h u t r a ' s w e r e Reader's

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P h a g u ' s s o n w a n t e d t o b e m y driver. ' B u t I already h a v e a d r i v e r a n d a n y w a y y o u c a n ' t drive.' 'You can teach me.' ' B u t w h y d o y o u w a n t t o leave y o u r profession? m o n e y ? ' It w a s n o t t h e m o n e y . 182

Is it t h e

' W e l l t h e n , is it t h e difficulty a n d d a n g e r o f t h e w o r k ? ' N o , h e did not m i n d hard work. 'It is t h e c o n s t a n t fights a n d t r o u b l e . T h e r e is n o p e a c e for us, n i g h t o r day. O n c e w e w e r e like k i n g s . N o w w e are t r e a t e d like dogs.' I n t h e m o r n i n g t h e w o m e n c a m e t o say g o o d b y e c a r r y i n g c e r e ­ m o n i a l p o t s o n t h e i r h e a d s a n d s i n g i n g . I was close t o tears. T h e y t e a s e d m e o f c o u r s e . T h e y are t h e m o s t u n s e n t i m e n t a l o f p e o p l e . All m o r n i n g P h a g u h a d b e e n l e a d i n g m e a r o u n d b y t h e h a n d . H e w a n t e d t o b u y R a m R a h i m (at a g o o d p r i c e , naturally) b u t I m a n a g e d t o refuse. T h e y w a n t e d t o e x t r a c t as m u c h as t h e y c o u l d f r o m t h e o l d m i l k i n g c o w b e f o r e she left, b u t it w a s also t r u e t h a t t h e i r f o n d n e s s w a s g e n u i n e . After all, h a d n ' t I p r o v i d e d t h e m w i t h s o m e g o o d laughs? A v e h i c l e ? M o n e y ? A n d w a s n ' t I, i n t h e e n d , a l m o s t as t o u g h as t h e y ? T h e y e l l o w - e y e d d o g , w h o h a d t a k e n such a shine to m e he h a d e n d e d u p sleeping in m y tent, c a m e to say g o o d b y e , g i v i n g m e t w o p e r f u n c t o r y tail w a g s a n d e v e n a l l o w ­ i n g m e t o t o u c h his h e a d . P h a g u said, ' T a k e t h e d o g a n d leave us t h e taxi.' T h e n t h e r e w e r e h u g s all r o u n d , clasped h a n d s a n d m o r e h u g s . I d r o v e away t o t h e s o u n d o f s i n g i n g . I h a v e n e v e r d o n e a n y t h i n g i n m y life as d e m a n d i n g as travelling w i t h t h e R a b a r i . B u t I c o u l d g o b a c k t o c o m f o r t a n d s e c u r i t y ; for t h e m this w a s real life. M y a d m i r a t i o n for t h e m w a s b o u n d l e s s a n d w h i l e I h a t e d t h e m s o m e t i m e s , I n e v e r disliked t h e m . T h e y e n d u r e d e v e r y t h i n g w i t h ­ o u t c o m p l a i n t , s i n g i n g t h e m s e l v e s d r u n k at n i g h t o r

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t w e n t y e x t r a m i l e s t o a t e m p l e i n o r d e r t o t h a n k t h e g o d s for life. I n e v e r saw a n y o n e p e r f o r m a n act o f c r u e l t y . A n d t h e r e w a s noth­ ing servile a b o u t t h e m . T h e y asked for n e i t h e r c h a r i t y n o r a n easy life, o n l y t h e s a m e k i n d s o f s u p p o r t t h a t o t h e r I n d i a n s

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matically received and a recognition o f the value of their expertise. As D r R a m a K r i s h n a said, ' T h e g o v e r n m e n t gives c o m p e n s a t i o n for all k i n d s o f a n i m a l s lost d u r i n g d r o u g h t o r f l o o d b u t n o t for sheep a n d goats. W e have tried to explain to t h e g o v e r n m e n t that b y m o v i n g , t h e R a b a r i are r e l i e v i n g it o f a b u r d e n . B u t n o o n e listens.' 183

I d o n o t w i s h t o glorify t h e m . T h e y are as capable o f u n d e r h a n d ¬ e d n e s s as a n y o n e i n t h e i r q u e s t for survival; t h e y are o f t e n t h e b a n e o f peasants t r y i n g t o p r o t e c t m e a g r e r e s o u r c e s ; a n d t h e i r h e r d s a n d flocks d o u n t o l d d a m a g e . B u t n o m o r e so t h a n t h e p l o u g h s a n d p o i s o n s o f t h e f a r m e r s a n d n o t as m u c h as t h e v e n a l i t y o f t h e p e o p l e w h o e x p l o i t t h e m . P e r h a p s i n a p l a c e as d e s p e r a t e as I n d i a , it is a b s u r d t o single o u t o n e g r o u p for b e t t e r t r e a t m e n t . Yet s o m e ­ t h i n g invaluable w i l l b e lost if t h e i r m i g r a t i o n s cease. B e c a u s e it is t h e fact o f t h e i r m o b i l i t y w h i c h s t r e n g t h e n s t h e qualities w h i c h so distinguish t h e m — tolerance, wiliness, i n d e p e n d e n c e , courage, wit. S o m e t i m e s , w h e n it w a s p a r t i c u l a r l y h a r d for m e , t h e y w o u l d p a u s e i n t h e i r w o r k t o smile, k n o w i n g l y a n d k i n d l y , o r t o w h i s p e r i n t o t h e d a r k n e s s , ' G o t o sleep, R a t t i b e n ' o r t o call, ' H o , R a t t i . C o m e d r i n k tea', words w i t h w h i c h they m i g h t convey an a m b i g u ­ o u s a n d difficult

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s h a d o w o f s o m e t h i n g infinitely r e m o t e t o u c h e d us, fleetingly u n i t ­ i n g m e w i t h t h e m f r o m across t h e abyss so t h a t I t o o c o u l d h e a r t h e faint e c h o f r o m o u r c o m m o n , i m m e a s u r a b l y d i s t a n t past: 'It is all r i g h t . W e are all h e r e . T h e r e is n o s u c h t h i n g as alone.'

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f r o m t h e Aravalli R a n g e s i n t h e east a n d tides f r o m t h e A r a b i a n o c e a n i n t h e w e s t , t h u s d e t a c h i n g K u t c h f r o m t h e rest o f I n d i a d u r i n g the wet, and providing a lot of nothingness

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K u t c h a n d t h e rest o f I n d i a i n t h e d r y . T h e L i t d e R a n n o f K u t c h lies b e l o w a n d t o t h e east o f its b i g sister; t h e G r e a t R a n n is t r a n s e c t e d b y t h e P a k i s t a n b o r d e r , w h i c h m e a n s t h a t it is i m p o s s ­ ible t o g e t a p e r m i t t o g o t h e r e . T h e s e days o n l y s m u g g l e r s a n d t h e B o r d e r S e c u r i t y F o r c e s travel across it, w h i c h s e e m s a w a s t e o f some splendid geography. T h e most exciting thing about b o t h the R a n n s — a p a r t f r o m m i n i a t u r e forests o f crystalline salt, p o i s o n b l u e a n d j a d e - g r e e n b r i n e h e l d i n cut-glass p o n d s , h e r d s o f w h i t e asses a n d c l o u d s m a d e o f flamingo w i n g s — is t h a t t h e y are e m p t y . S t r e t c h i n g f r o m t h e s h o r e t o t h e h o r i z o n lay b r o w n , w h i t e a n d b l u e e m p t i n e s s . S o m e w h e r e i n s i d e m y chest, a sail w a s u n f u r l i n g . M y face, I k n o w , w o r e t h e h u n g r y l o o k c o m m o n t o p e o p l e w h o find i n earth's v a c a n t places t h e p r i m e v a l g a r d e n . I g l a n c e d at Chutra. H e w o r e the look of a m a n c o n d e m n e d by the caprice of a l u n a t i c w h o , t h a t b e i n g t h e u p s i d e - d o w n w a y o f t h i n g s , w a s his boss. ' K i t n a sundar,' I said, s q u a r i n g m y s h o u l d e r s a n d t a k i n g a d e e p b r e a t h i n s u c h a w a y as t o i n d i c a t e t h a t o n l y p e o p l e o f h e i g h t e n e d sensibility w o u l d r e c o g n i z e t h e loveliness i n w h a t lay b e f o r e us, as flat a n d b l a n k as earth's e n d . C h u t r a p e e r e d i n t o it, s c r a t c h e d b e ­ n e a t h his t u r b a n a n d said, ' T h e r e ' s n o t h i n g there.' According to m y map, w h i c h was a r o u g h - d r a w n thing eight 187

i n c h e s s q u a r e p u r c h a s e d f r o m t h e local p a n w a l l a h , it w a s less t h a n t w e n t y m i l e s across this slim s e c t i o n o f t h e R a n n . N o n e e d t o t a k e anything o t h e r t h a n water, a couple of roti a n d a few oranges. E v e r y t h i n g else w a s l o a d e d i n t h e j e e p w h i c h w o u l d cross t h e R a n n by the m o r e conventional m e t h o d — a bridge. O u r intelligence reports varied. 1. Yes, t h e r e w a s q u i t e a g o o d t r a c k across t h e R a n n

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it w a s as easy t o find as t h e m a p said it w a s . ( T h e r e w e r e several d o t t e d lines like r u n n i n g s t i t c h w h i c h t h e l e g e n d d e s c r i b e d as footpaths.) 2. T h e r e w a s n o t r a c k a n d n e v e r h a d b e e n a n d w e

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n e v e r b e s e e n a g a i n if w e d i d n ' t u s e t h e p e r f e c t l y g o o d b r i d g e w h i c h h a d b e e n b u i l t so t h a t p e o p l e c o u l d cross t h e R a n n w i t h o u t dying of heat exhaustion. 3. T h e r e

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crossed e v e r y n o w a n d t h e n , s o m e r e c e n t l y , so t h e r e s h o u l d b e n o p r o b l e m for us. T h e m a p contained a squiggle in the centre of the R a n n , w h i c h w a s p r o b a b l y h i g h e r g r o u n d . I n t h e m i d d l e o f t h e squiggle, x m a r k e d a w e l l . As w e w e r e h e a d i n g d u e n o r t h , w e w o u l d r e m a i n t o t h e r i g h t , o r east, o f t h a t s q u i g g l e . N a t u r a l l y I w a n t e d t o g o a l o n e a n d m i g h t h a v e insisted u p o n it h a d I o n l y m y d e a r little R a m R a h i m t o h a n d l e , w h o w a s so g o o d and patient, unlike the t w o maharanis w h o , d u r i n g o u r two-day w a l k h e r e f r o m t h e d a n g , h a d s h i e d at e v e r y t r u c k o r b u s c o m i n g u p b e h i n d t h e m . R i c k s h a w s a n d cars t h e y t r e a t e d w i t h t o l e r a n t disregard, b u t t r u c k s a n d b u s e s m a d e t h e o n e t r y t o l e a p o n t o p o f t h e o t h e r o r c r a w l all o v e r t h e p e r s o n l e a d i n g h e r . I n a p o i n t e d sort of way I had n o t remarked u p o n their behaviour to C h u t r a . R a m R a h i m h a d n o t shied. E v e r y o n e t h o u g h t t h a t m y crossing t h e R a n n b y c a m e l was a m o s t p e c u l i a r idea. B u t g o i n g a l o n e w a s a k i n d o f s u b c o n t i n e n t a l h e r e s y : ' B u t there's n o villages, n o p e o p l e ! ' 'Exactly,' I w o u l d say a n d feel t h e sail ruffle. A t last, s o m e m o ­ m e n t s w h e n I c o u l d b e as close t o a l o n e as it's possible i n this c o u n t r y - t h a t is, a l o n e w i t h s o m e o n e else. I w a s n o t g o i n g t o pass u p this s h a r d o f p l e a s u r e , w e d g e d , as it w a s , b e t w e e n t h e p u n i s h ­ m e n t s o f t h e p r e v i o u s y e a r a n d t h e difficulties w h i c h , I k n e w , still

188

lay a h e a d . S o far I h a d p r i o r i t i z e d e v e r y o n e a n d e v e r y t h i n g b e f o r e myself - the magazine, Dilip, the n o m a d s , the people w h o w o r k e d for m e o r w h o offered t h e i r h e l p . N o w I w a s g o i n g t o t e m p e r m y spirit i n t h e fiery wastes a n d if C h u t r a d i d n ' t like it — w i t h his s n a k e - b i t t e n finger for w h i c h I still h a d n o t f o r g i v e n h i m , a n d u p o n w h i c h w e had wasted m u c h time hunting d o w n doctors and p h a r m a c i s t s , a n d w h i c h I h a d t o clean, dress a n d b a n d a g e for h i m t h r i c e a day, a n d b e c a u s e o f w h i c h h e was useless at l o a d i n g t h e c a m e l s — h e c o u l d w o r k for s o m e o n e else. M y o w n little m e d i c a l problems -

t w o small, s u p p u r a t i n g h o l e s i n t h e a n k l e a n d t h e

m i s s i n g p e r i o d s — w e r e t o o insignificant t o t h i n k a b o u t . O n t h e f o l l o w i n g m o r n i n g I w a s t h e first t o rise. A n u n u s u a l e v e n t w h i c h cost m e d e a r b u t it m a d e t h e p o i n t t o C h u t r a as t o w h o was t h e l e a d e r a r o u n d h e r e . I w a s a n x i o u s t o h e a d off i n t h e c o o l o f t h e day b u t C h u t r a d a w d l e d i n f u r i a t i n g l y . I h a d asked h i m t o c h e c k o u t t h e r o u t e t h e p r e v i o u s n i g h t b u t w h e n w e finally g o t g o i n g a n d w e r e u n a b l e t o find t h e t r a c k , it w a s clear h e h a d n o t d o n e so. It w a s easier for m e t o d o t h i n g s m y s e l f t h a n d e l e g a t e t o C h u t r a . Yet, if I d i d so, h e w a s d e e p l y o f f e n d e d . H e w a s n o t a lazy m a n — far f r o m it. B u t h e h a d his o w n w a y o f d o i n g t h i n g s a n d his w a y a n d m i n e w e r e several c e n t u r i e s a n d a c o u p l e o f o c e a n s a p a r t . A r o u n d t h e r i m o f t h e R a n n w e r e t h e hovels o f t h e s a l t m i n e r s . N o t h i n g protected t h e m from the cruelty of that inferno or their s k i n f r o m t h e salt w h i c h c u t it like cat o ' n i n e tails. T h e air d i d n o t m o v e h e r e . T h e salt m u d s t a n k a n d t h e c h i l d r e n w e r e j u i c e l e s s , like scraps o f c l o t h c a u g h t o n sticks. T h e y s u r p r i s e d y o u b y m o v i n g . T h e y w o r k e d all day i n t h e m u d ; at n i g h t t h e y slept o n c o m p a c t e d m u d u n d e r hessian l e a n - t o s . M o s t o f t h e m w e r e b o n d e d l a b o u r e r s . Pay, if it c a m e at all, w a s a p i t t a n c e ; w o r k , n e v e r e n d i n g ; h o p e s , nonexistent. ' W h e r e is t h e t r a c k ? ' said C h u t r a t o a s c a r e c r o w r o o t e d i n m u d . H e w a v e d his a r m listlessly i n t h e d i r e c t i o n w e w e r e g o i n g i n a n d , d e s p i t e C h u t r a ' s f u r t h e r v o l u b i l i t y , w o u l d say n o t a w o r d . T h e Little R a n n h a d h u s k e d h i m . W h e n e v e r w e t r i e d t o h e a d n o r t h , o u r c a m e l s b e g a n t o slide a r o u n d i n m u d . E v e n t u a l l y w e c a m e across a r o p e o f a n i m a l tracks d r o p p e d across t h e p a n , its w a v y parallels d i s a p p e a r i n g i n t o s h i m ­ mer. T h e g r o u n d underfoot was harder, almost dry. Naturally the 189

s h e p h e r d s w h o h a d b r o u g h t t h e i r flocks across m u s t k n o w

the

safest r o u t e . A n d , a n y w a y , t r a c k o r n o t r a c k , all w e h a d t o d o w a s head n o r t h and w e couldn't very well help b u t b u m p into the n o r t h e r n s h o r e . T h e n it w a s s i m p l y a m a t t e r o f f o l l o w i n g f o o t ­ p a t h s t o wells a n d villages. H e a v e n s , I'd d o n e this s o r t o f t h i n g h u n d r e d s o f t i m e s . A n d i n infinitely m o r e t r e a c h e r o u s t e r r a i n t h a n this. C h u t r a w a s b e h a v i n g as if this p i d d l i n g little stroll w a s a r i d e across L a k e C o n s t a n c e a n d h e w a s m a k i n g m e n e r v o u s . ' D o y o u k n o w i n m y c o u n t r y , C h u t r a , y o u c a n g o for e i g h t h u n d r e d miles w i t h o u t seeing a n o t h e r h u m a n b e i n g or c o m i n g across a n y w a t e r ? ' (Actually w h a t I said w a s , ' C h u t r a , m y c o u n t r y i n , e i g h t h u n d r e d m i l e s i n , p e o p l e n o , w a t e r n o , see.') ' A c h c h h a , ' h e said w i t h o u t shifting his gaze. I let h i m r i d e i n front. T h e ' r o p e ' w e w e r e f o l l o w i n g u n r a v e l l e d after a w h i l e

into

t h r e e p i e c e s . I a s s u m e d it w o u l d splice t o g e t h e r f u r t h e r a h e a d . W e k e p t t o t h e m i d d l e strand. S o m e t h i n g slightly less flat t h a n t h e flatness for

s u r r o u n d i n g it a p p e a r e d o n t h e h o r i z o n . It w o u l d h o v e r

a moment, then

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c h e e r e d u p C h u t r a so m u c h t h a t h e d e c i d e d t o talk t o m e . H e r e l a x e d i n t o t h e saddle, t i p p e d his t u r b a n o v e r o n e e y e w i t h a stick a n d , h a l f t u r n i n g his b o d y t o w a r d s m e , said, ' M a d a m S a h i b c a m e l v e r y fiiiine c a m e l ; C h u t r a c a m e l not fiiiine c a m e l . M a d a m S a h i b R a m R a h i m beauuuutiful camel. M o m a l and Sumal sundar nahin, s a m a j h d h a r n a h i n ( n o t b e a u t i f u l , n o t intelligent).' H e s m i r k e d a n d t u r n e d t o t h e front. S h a r p little i n c i s o r s s h o w e d w h e n h e s m i l e d , m a t c h i n g , i n d a i n t y repulsiveness, his n a k e d shins. I r e t o r t e d , ' M o m a l a n d S u m a l b e t t e r c a m e l is . . . e r . . . are. All p e o p l e this . . . u n d e r s t a n d . . . able. R a m R a h i m n o t b e a u t i f u l b u t m e like b e c a u s e . . . h i m n o t c r i m i n a l . ' These

utterances

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costive,

f a t i g u i n g u t t e r a n c e s c o n t a i n i n g pauses d u r i n g w h i c h a h o m u n ¬ c u l u s r a n t h r o u g h m i l e s o f s h e l v i n g i n t h e b r a i n , feverishly s e a r c h ­ i n g for v o c a b u l a r y a n d g r a m m a t i c a l r u l e s . O f t e n b y t h e t i m e this h o m u n c u l u s a r r i v e d , p a n t i n g , at t h e s p e e c h c e n t r e , w i t h t h e r e l e ­ v a n t m a t e r i a l u n d e r its a r m , t h e desire t o say a n y t h i n g h a d left m e , killed off b y futility. A t w h i c h p o i n t t h e h o m u n c u l u s w o u l d t h r o w d o w n its p a p e r s a n d t h r e a t e n t o strike. 190

S o m e h o u r s l a t e r t h e ' s h o r e ' s e e m e d b a r e l y closer a n d

the

g r o u n d b e n e a t h us w a s g e t t i n g slipperier. Salt c r u s t c r a c k e d , r e v e a l ­ i n g s q u e l c h b e n e a t h i n t o w h i c h t h e c a m e l s ' feet sank, a n d p u l l i n g t h e m u p r e q u i r e d a l o t o f m u s c l e p o w e r t o b a l a n c e t h e laws o f physics. W e d i s m o u n t e d . N o w t h e r o p e o f a n i m a l t r a c k s frayed i n all d i r e c t i o n s , l e a v i n g us t o o u r o w n d e v i c e s a n d at t h e m e r c y o f m u d . If a c a m e l slid a n d fell, it c o u l d easily b r e a k pelvis o r l i m b a n d t h a t w o u l d b e t h e e n d o f it. M o m a l a n d S u m a l b e h a v e d like ladies w h o h a d j u s t b e e n t h r o w n o u t o f t h e i r z i n a n a i n t o a street w h i c h t h e y h a d n e v e r b e f o r e h a d t o cross. Ladies w h o h a d f o r g o t ­ t e n h o w t o u s e t h e i r b o d i e s for a n y t h i n g o t h e r t h a n r e c l i n i n g o n c o u c h e s , h o l d i n g u p m i r r o r s a n d s p r e a d i n g spite. I m p e r i o u s , f r a c ­ t i o u s ladies w h o m i n c e d a l o n g , h o l d i n g u p t h e i r saris. T o b e fair, R a m R a h i m ' s s u r e - f o o t e d n e s s h a d a b i t t o d o w i t h t h e fact t h a t his feet h a d b e e n t o u g h e n e d b y t h e s t o n e s o f K u t c h , w h e r e a s t h e p r i n c e s s e s ' feet h a d t r o d d e n o n l y t h e sands o f J o d h p u r a n d w e r e c o n s e q u e n t l y like b a l d tyres. E v e n so, h e s t r u g g l e d o n gallantly, w h i l e t h e p r i n c e s s e s s n a p p e d at e a c h o t h e r a n d g e n e r a l l y let it b e k n o w n t h a t , h a d t h e y t h o u g h t it w a s g o i n g t o b e like this, t h e y w o u l d never have c o m e . A b o u t t w o h o u r s l a t e r t h e m u d w a s c a l f - d e e p a n d e a c h step a little m i r a c l e o f w i l l . N o t o n l y w e r e m y feet b r u i s e d a n d s w o l l e n b y t h e m u d a n d t h e salt, n o t o n l y w a s I feeling v e r y n a u s e o u s i n d e e d , n o t o n l y w a s I e x p e c t i n g t h e fatties i n front t o fall at a n y m o m e n t but, having emptied my o w n water canteen, I found C h u t r a h a d b r o u g h t o n l y o n e extra, n o t all t h r e e as i n s t r u c t e d . ' B u t M a d a m S a h i b said five h o u r s . ' ' Chutra,

I say, said . . . Most important

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. . . (Shit) . . .

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hours not important.

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. . (Oh, never mind!)'

N o w , w h e n y o u are o n y o u r o w n i n d e s e r t y places a n d little t h i n g s g o w r o n g , y o u m a y feel d r e a d ( u n r e a s o n a b l e i n m o s t cases because a l t h o u g h y o u m a y get thirsty, or h u n g r y

o r sick

or

f a t i g u e d , it is u n l i k e l y t h a t y o u w i l l die) a n d y o u m a y c u r s e y o u r ­ self for b e i n g a fool. H o w e v e r , w a t e r is t h e single m o s t i m p o r t a n t resource standing b e t w e e n y o u and panic. E v e r y n o w a n d t h e n I sat i n t h e s h a d e o f m y c a m e l , h e a d b e t w e e n k n e e s a n d d r y r e t c h e d . A t s u c h t i m e s I said, b e t w e e n 191

spasms, 'I a m a b s o l u t e l y fine. D o n ' t w o r r y . ' I lay o n m y b a c k so t h a t t h e Little R a n n o f K u t c h w o u l d s t o p w h i r l i n g like a t o p . It didn't. C h u t r a suggested I ride and h e w o u l d lead R a m R a h i m . T h i s s e e m e d like a g o o d i d e a u n t i l w e g o t m o v i n g . D i a b o l i c a l t h o u g h t h e w a l k i n g w a s , it w a s b e t t e r t h a n s h i p - o f - t h e - d e s e r t s e a ­ sickness. T h e s w e l l i n g o n t h e h o r i z o n n o w s e e m e d like d r y l a n d i n t h e m i d d l e o f a n u n d u l a t i n g o c e a n o f light. W e h a d b e e n w a l k i n g for five h o u r s . C h u t r a said, ' N o r t h side . . .' I d i d n ' t b e l i e v e h i m , w h i c h w a s sensible o f m e b e c a u s e it w a s n ' t t h e n o r t h e r n side, it w a s t h e squiggle -

a n island o f sand, g i b b e r s a n d s k e l e t o n s w h i c h

we

r e a c h e d l o n g , l o n g y e a r s later a n d w h i c h , I w o r k e d o u t , w a s a b o u t halfway t o o u r d e s t i n a t i o n . N i g h t w a s falling. A t least w e w e r e o u t o f t h e m u d a n d I h a d s t a r t e d t o feel alive e n o u g h t o t a c k l e a d r y r o t i . W e t i e d u p o u r beasts, sat o n t h e r o c k s a n d ate. After f o o d a n d a s w a l l o w o f w a t e r I felt positively c h i r p y . T h e r e is n o t h i n g likelier t o give y o u a p o s i t i v e o u t l o o k o n life t h a n t h e cessation of nausea. If I w a s o n m y o w n , I t h o u g h t , I w o u l d b e e n j o y i n g

this

m o m e n t . T h e p l a c e w a s stark y e t i n t e n s e l y p r e s e n t . W i l d h o r s e a n d d o n k e y tracks s k i r t e d t h e bases o f r e d , s e d i m e n t a r y hills. W i n d scuffed u p d u s t a n d m o a n e d i n t h e s a n d s t o n e . I l e d o u r little quintet along a dried watercourse, o u t to the o t h e r shore, t h e n v e e r e d w e s t , h a v i n g d e c i d e d t o avoid as l o n g as possible w h a t e v e r w e t n e s s m i g h t lie o n t h e o t h e r side o f this island b y f o l l o w i n g t h e ' b e a c h ' b e f o r e s t r i k i n g o u t across t h e 'sea'. T h i s tactic h a d t h e a d d e d a d v a n t a g e o f l i n i n g us u p w i t h t h e village w h e r e t h e j e e p w o u l d b e waiting. Besides, w e m i g h t b e w i t h i n striking distance o f t h e w e l l , a p l a c e t o c a m p if n e c e s s a r y . A l t h o u g h t h e m a p h a d g i v e n w i l d l y i n c o r r e c t distances, surely it w o u l d n ' t s h o w a w e l l if t h e r e w a s n ' t a w e l l s o m e w h e r e i n t h e v i c i n i t y ? B u t it w a s n o w d a r k . M o o n l e s s , starless, b o t t o m o f a m i n e - s h a f t d a r k . All day t h e c l o u d s h a d r e m a i n e d i n t h e w i n g s , w a i t i n g for t h e f o o t l i g h t s t o g o o u t so t h e y c o u l d b u s t l e o n stage. L u c k i l y I always c a r r i e d a small b u t reliable t o r c h i n m y p u r s e a n d this I s h o n e o n t h e g r o u n d a h e a d f r o m t i m e t o t i m e , l o o k i n g for t h e a n i m a l p a d s t h a t w o u l d l e a d us i n t o t h e w e l l . T h e g o i n g n o w was easy, t h e g r o u n d flat a n d h a r d so t h a t t h e s o u n d o f c a m e l 192

p a d s , sofdy s u s u r r a t i n g , s o o t h e d like a lullaby. R a m R a h i m w a s c o n f i d e n t b e n e a t h m e , a s n u g little b o a t o n a b i g sea. S o w h a t if it t o o k u s f o u r t e e n h o u r s r a t h e r t h a n seven? S o m u c h t h e b e t t e r . I f o u n d tracks a h e a d . A n d b e y o n d t h a t , I t h o u g h t I s a w a t w i n k of light. ' C h u t r a , d e k h o ! ' I u r g e d R a m R a h i m

forward

b u t C h u t r a called m e b a c k . H e w a s v e r y f r i g h t e n e d . N e v e r t h e ­ less h e f o l l o w e d m e h e s i t a n t l y t o w a r d s t h a t little g l o w i n t h e night, w h i c h

seemed

close, t h e n

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disappeared

altogether. N o d o u b t a b o u t it -

h a b i t a t i o n . A t i n y p l o t o f tilled e a r t h .

T h e r e w a s a c o o k i n g fire a n d b e s i d e it a t e m p o r a r y

dwelling.

C h u t r a ' s c a m e l s w e r e restive, p i c k i n g u p his n e r v o u s n e s s . ' G h o s t s ! ' h e w a r n e d f r o m b a c k t h e r e i n t h e d a r k . I called across a tall t h o r n f e n c e t o w a r d s t h e shelter. A d o g w e n t b e r s e r k . A m a n c a m e o u t , l o o k i n g as f r i g h t e n e d as C h u t r a , w h o n o w o v e r c a m e his d r e a d e n o u g h t o ask for d i r e c t i o n s . A t first t h e m a n s e e m e d r e l u c t a n t t o talk, n o d o u b t f e a r i n g w e w e r e a b o u t t o slit his t h r o a t a n d steal his d i n n e r , o r spirit h i m off t o a c e m e t e r y . E v e n t u a l l y h e t o l d us t o h e a d d u e n o r t h f r o m h e r e , past t h e w e l l (just as I h a d p r e d i c t e d ) , a n d w e w o u l d s o o n see t h e lights o f t h e village. S o r e l i e v e d w a s m y u n t h w a l l a h t h a t h e t w i r l e d his p r i n c e s s e s a r o u n d a n d set t h e m off at a fast p a c e , s i n g i n g i n his f o r k - o n - p l a t e falsetto. I f o l l o w e d , t h i n k i n g this a reckless a n d u n n e c e s s a r y s p e e d at s u c h a n h o u r b u t u n w i l l i n g t o h u m i l i a t e R a m R a h i m i n front o f t h e fatties b y a s k i n g C h u t r a t o s l o w d o w n . H e called o v e r his s h o u l d e r t h a t if h e d i d n ' t h a v e t o s l o w d o w n for R a m R a h i m , h e c o u l d r e a c h t h e o t h e r side i n a n h o u r . T e n m i n u t e s later, f r o m s o m e w h e r e a h e a d , I h e a r d a little y e l p a n d camel noises. I p u t o n m y torch a n d saw that M o m a l h a d r u n s t r a i g h t i n t o a t h o r n t r e e a n d C h u t r a a n d she a n d t h e l e a d r o p e s a n d S u m a l w e r e e n t a n g l e d painfully i n it. T h e y g a z e d i n t o m y t o r c h b e a m like c o n s c a u g h t i n r a z o r w i r e . W e h a d c o m e face t o face w i t h a forest o f a p p a r e n t l y i m p e n e t r a b l e Prosopis juliflora

and

w i t h t h e discovery that M o m a l and Sumal w e r e night-blind. I gave R a m R a h i m his h e a d . H e p i c k e d his w a y i n o n e d i r e c t i o n , t u r n e d , p i c k e d his w a y carefully i n t h e o t h e r , u n t i l h e f o u n d a w a y t h r o u g h t h e b a r r i e r . A p p a r e n t l y h e c o u l d see as w e l l at n i g h t as h e c o u l d b y day, t h u s s c o r i n g p o i n t s for m o n g r e l s a n d t o u c h é i n g t h e 193

u n t h w a l l a h w h o said crustily, ' K e e p R a m R a h i m i n front. H e c a n ' t k e e p u p w i t h my camels.' It b e g a n t o r a i n . S o m e t i m e s I c r i e d . I c r i e d w h e n at last I saw t h e lights a n d realized t h a t w e w o u l d n o t r e a c h t h e m b y 2 a . m . I h a d g i v e n m y s e l f t h a t l i m i t , 2 a . m . I h a d said t o myself, I c a n m a k e it t o 2 a . m . b u t I c a n n o t m a k e it t o 2.05 a . m . I c o u l d n o t g e t off R a m R a h i m b u t t o stay o n w a s t o r t u r e . M y feet t h r o b b e d . T h e t e n d o n s i n m y g r o i n p a i n e d all t h e w a y t o t h e k n e e s i n

one

d i r e c t i o n a n d t o t h e t e e t h i n t h e o t h e r . W e a r r i v e d at a p p r o x i ­ m a t e l y t h r e e - t h i r t y . W e w e r e w e t a n d c o l d a n d stiff, a n d t h e Prosopis juliflora

h a d n o t b e e n k i n d t o u s . R i d i n g i n t o t h a t silent

m e d i e v a l village i n t h e m i d d l e o f t h e n i g h t r e m a i n s , i n m e m o r y , o n e o f t h e m o s t r e l i g i o u s e x p e r i e n c e s o f m y life. W o u l d t h e r e b e r o o m at t h e i n n ? W e saw t h e j e e p a n d w o k e a v e r y w o r r i e d driver. W e c o u c h e d t h e c a m e l s a n d g o t off. T h e v e r t e b r a e i n m y n e c k h a d fused a n d m y feet w e r e a p p r o x i m a t e l y t w i c e t h e i r n o r m a l

size. C h u t r a

w a l k e d like P i n o c c h i o . W e w a t e r e d t h e c a m e l s . W e l e d t h e c a m e l s t o o u r h o t e l — a n o p e n air c e m e n t k i t c h e n w i t h a r o o m at t h e b a c k . W e fed t h e c a m e l s . I saw t o C h u t r a ' s s l e e p i n g a r r a n g e m e n t s , t h e n c o l l a p s e d i n t h e r o o m at t h e b a c k o n a filthy c h a r p o i . I lay a w a k e for a w h i l e , l i s t e n i n g t o t h e o w n e r o f this e s t a b l i s h m e n t — a fat m a n w i t h fat g o l d r i n g s o n fat fingers, a n d g o l d m e d a l l i o n s o n his v o l u p t u o u s breast — b e a t i n g his t w e l v e - y e a r - o l d s e r v a n t w i t h a stick. T h e b o y e n d e d u p w h i m p e r i n g o n a m a t i n t h e c o r n e r o f m y r o o m , for all t h e w o r l d like o n e o f t h e c r i n g i n g , diseased, v a n q u i s h e d p a r i a h d o g s t h a t p r o w l t h e village lanes. A n h o u r a n d a h a l f later I w a s a w a k e n e d b y a t r u c k s t o p p i n g at t h e front o f t h e h o t e l . F r o m its c a b i n c a m e

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e n o u g h v o l u m e t o w a k e t h e d e a d t h e n kill t h e m again. I w e n t t o t h e w i n d o w a n d s h o u t e d , ' T u r n t h a t f u c k i n g t h i n g off!' S i l e n c e . I h a d n e v e r i n m y w h o l e life y e l l e d at a n y o n e t o t u r n a n y t h i n g off. I d o u b t if I h a d e v e r e v e n asked a n y o n e p o l i t e l y t o t u r n a n y t h i n g off. I w e n t b a c k t o t h e c h a r p o i . I h a t e I n d i a , I t h o u g h t a n d fell asleep. A t n i n e o ' c l o c k a n a n g e l t r a n s u b s t a n t i a t e d at t h e side o f m y b e d . I o p e n e d o n e e y e a n d t o o k t h e tea it offered. It w a s g r i n n i n g . It was K o j u .

* 194

A n d so, o n a w i n t e r e v e n i n g a f e w days b e f o r e C h r i s t m a s , after t w o days o f d r i v i n g , a n d b u r d e n e d w i t h d e f o r m e d feet, fever a n d a s o u r s o u l , I a r r i v e d at last at N a r e n d r a ' s j h u m p a , i n s i d e his a u r a o f s u c c o u r , t o await t h e arrival o f m y friends a n d t o c o n s u l t a d o c t o r . C h u t r a , I h a d left b e h i n d w i t h i n s t r u c t i o n s , a n address w h e r e h e should wait, a n d three camels. I w o u l d r e t u r n to h i m inside a m o n t h and, w i t h the camels, w e w o u l d walk back here to J o d h p u r a n d l i b e r t y . All h e h a d t o d o w a s i n q u i r e o f l o c a l p e o p l e as t o w h e r e the R a b a r i dangs were. N a r e n d r a o p e n e d t h e j e e p d o o r a n d h a n d e d m e a glass o f I n d i a n c h a m p a g n e . T h e servants p o p p e d h e a d s o u t o f w i n d o w s , w a v e d s u r r e p t i t i o u s l y , t h e n r e t u r n e d t o t h e feast

preparations.

B e h i n d t h e j h u m p a , firelight w a s b o u n c i n g off r u s h e s a n d t h a t c h ­ i n g . T h e r e w a s t h e smell o f frost falling a n d s a n d a l w o o d b u r n i n g . I h a n d e d N a r e n d r a his g u d i o a n d h o b b l e d t h r o u g h t h e h o u s e o u t t o t h e fireside. M o r n a t s t o o d s m i l i n g i n his g r e y gypsy c o a t

and

traveller's t r o u s e r s , his h a n d at his chest, t h e o t h e r h o l d i n g b y a s h o r t c h a i n t h e m o s t b e a u t i f u l d o g I h a d e v e r s e e n . It w a s a L u r i a , a Jogi's h u n t i n g d o g , w h i c h M o r n a t ' s a n c e s t o r s h a d b r e d b e f o r e t h e r e w a s h i s t o r y , w h i c h h a d travelled w i t h t h e gypsies t h r o u g h Asia a n d E u r o p e , s p a w n i n g l u r c h e r s a n d w h i p p e t s a n d g r e y h o u n d s b u t r e m a i n i n g sturdier, silkier, m o r e w i l d i n t h e spirit. T h e J o g i s n e v e r gave away t h e i r d o g s , w i t h w h o m t h e y fiercely i d e n t i f i e d t h e m s e l v e s . B u t M o r n a t h a d b e e n p r e v a i l e d u p o n , j u s t this o n c e , t o sell o n e t o N a r e n d r a t o give t o M e m s a h i b as a C h r i s t m a s p r e s e n t . H i s n a m e w a s S e r u (lion) b u t I d e c i d e d t o call h i m Z a l i , w h i c h m e a n s s o m e t h i n g like c o n m a n o r v a g a b o n d . I offered t h e d o g m y h a n d . H e h e l d u p his p a w , k e p t his h e a d d o w n like a r e i n e d - i n stallion a n d l o o k e d u p at m e . ' Z a l i , w i l l y o u b e m y d o g ? ' W e s h o o k h a n d s o n t h e deal. M y legs w e r e p r o p p e d o n a s t o o l . T h e feet at t h e e n d o f t h e m l o o k e d as if t h e y b e l o n g e d t o s o m e o n e w h o h a d s p e n t t h e last f e w w e e k s o n t h e b o t t o m o f t h e T h a m e s . T h e left o n e w a s puffy; t h e right, elephantine. S e r u m flowed from the t w o o m i n o u s holes in t h e a n k l e . I d i d n o t care w h a t was w r o n g w i t h t h a t a n k l e , as l o n g as w h a t w a s w r o n g w i t h it w a s n ' t G u i n e a w o r m . ' Y o u h a v e at least o n e b a l a n ( G u i n e a w o r m ) , possibly t w o , ' p r o ­ n o u n c e d R a n a K h a n t h e n e x t day. ' T h e w o r m is c u r l e d u p i n t h e 195

b o i l a n d s o o n it w i l l w a n t t o c o m e o u t . It exists i n m a n y s e g m e n t s , so t h a t it w i l l b e n e c e s s a r y t o g o t o a special b a l a n w a l l a h w h o w i l l e x t r a c t all o f t h e s e g m e n t s so t h a t r e i n f e c t i o n w i l l n o t o c c u r . I k n o w a g o o d b a l a n w a l l a h i n Jaisalmer, b u t n o d o u b t w e c a n f i n d o n e here in J o d h p u r too. D o not,' h e continued, 'go to an ordinary w e s t e r n - t y p e d o c t o r . H e ' l l m e s s it u p . T h e s e d e s h i fellows k n o w t h e i r j o b . ' H e w e n t o n t o say t h a t c o b r a s k i n g r o u n d u p i n j a g g e r y w a s a fine c u r e — a n d t h e r e j u s t h a p p e n e d t o b e a c o u p l e o f b i g b l a c k c o b r a s l i v i n g a r o u n d t h e j h u m p a , b u t I c o u l d n ' t see N a r e n ­ dra a l l o w i n g t o h a v e t h e m killed — a n d t h a t a c e r t a i n lizard, fairly rare, if g r o u n d u p a n d m a d e i n t o a p o u l t i c e , w a s g u a r a n t e e d t o suck o u t t h e m o s t s t u b b o r n of G u i n e a w o r m s . M o r n a t was c o n ­ sulted. D i d h e k n o w o f this lizard? Yes, h e d i d . C o u l d h e

find

o n e ? Yes, b u t h e w o u l d h a v e t o g o n o r t h o f J o d h p u r t o t h e area a r o u n d Koju's village. In the m e a n t i m e R a n a K h a n tied a black thread a r o u n d m y ankle and prayed to Maharajah Girda Singh of Jaisalmer (long d e a d ) w h i c h , h e assured m e , was a n o t h e r effective r e m e d y

for

w o r m - i n f e s t a t i o n . R a n a K h a n a n d his m u s i c i a n s h a d c o m e t o s i n g M a r w a r i d e s e r t s o n g s for us a r o u n d t h e o u t s i d e fire. N a r e n d r a a n d R a n a w e r e o l d friends; N a r e n d r a a c t i n g t h e t r a d i t i o n a l r o l e o f p a t r o n a n d t h e r a t h e r m o r e m o d e r n o n e o f t r y i n g t o p r o m o t e this m u s i c o u t s i d e t h e b o r d e r s o f R a j a s t h a n . I n this h e h a d h a d s o m e success a n d t h e s e days R a n a often p l a y e d i n t h e b i g capitals b e f o r e audiences of thousands. Y o u s i m p l y c o u l d n o t b e w i t h R a n a K h a n a n d feel m i s e r a b l e . M u s i c h a d c l e a n s e d h i m as a r i v e r cleans a g o r g e t h r o u g h w h i c h it t u m b l e s . E v e r y s w e e t n e s s , sadness, foolishness, w i c k e d n e s s w i s d o m t h a t m a n h a d e v e r t h o u g h t t o r e c o r d i n ballads h a d

and flowed

t h r o u g h h i m . H e k n e w h u n d r e d s o f ragas b y h e a r t , d e l i v e r e d t h e m w i t h his eyes fixed o n y o u r face, his free h a n d lifted t o w a r d y o u i n e n t r e a t y , his b u c k t e e t h a n d r o g u e ' s features t r a n s f o r m e d i n t o t h e face o f l o v e o r o f suffering o r o f saintliness. F u n n y s o n g s , w i s e songs, r o m a n t i c songs, epic songs, religious songs, H i n d u songs, M u s l i m s o n g s , Sufi love songs d e n s e w i t h m e a n i n g s . W h e n t h e y p l a y e d , t h e m u s i c i a n s a n d s e c o n d a r y singers s e e m e d l i n k e d

up

w i t h R a n a K h a n like n e r v e s t o a b r a i n . If R a n a b e c a m e t h e e m b o d ­ i m e n t o f grief, t h e m u s i c i a n s t o o s e e m e d b a r e l y able t o restrain 196

t h e i r tears. ( R a n a c o u l d m a k e h i m s e l f s o b at w i l l a n d real tears w o u l d flow.) H i s s o n , t h e m o s t b e a u t i f u l c h i l d o n t h e face o f t h e e a r t h , p l a y e d t h e w o o d e n castanets; a n o t h e r m a n w i t h a vast m o u s ­ t a c h e a n d p i a n o - k e y t e e t h p l a y e d a n e m p t y clay p o t ; R a n a p l a y e d h a r m o n i u m ; and a w h i t e - b e a r d e d ancient, desiccated by t o o m a n y n i g h t s s a w i n g o n his s a r u n g i i n t h e d u n e s o f t h e T h a r , r a d i a t e d m u s i c a l i n t e l l i g e n c e w i t h o u t m o v i n g a m u s c l e i n his face. T h e y all sat a r o u n d t h e fire: a s e m i c i r c l e o f t u r b a n s , m o u s t a c h e s , w o o l l e n shawls crafted d e e p i n t h e d e s e r t , c u r i o u s i n s t r u m e n t s a n d t e e t h . W e l i s t e n e d e n c h a n t e d for h o u r s . N a r e n d r a g o t u p

from

t i m e to t i m e to place m o n e y o n the h a r m o n i u m o r to stop the s i n g i n g a n d ask a q u e s t i o n , c h a l l e n g e a n i n t e r p r e t a t i o n o f a raga o r t o c r y 'va, v a ' , at a p a r t i c u l a r l y e x q u i s i t e i n t e r p r e t a t i o n — all o f w h i c h o n l y i n c r e a s e d t h e liveliness o f t h e r e n d i t i o n s , t h e l a u g h t e r , a r g u m e n t a n d a l c o h o l i c h i g h spirits. A t last e v e r y o n e

stumbled

away t o b e d , l e a v i n g us t o s a v o u r i n silence t h e m o o n s h e e n o n b l u e - g r e e n c a b b a g e fields, t h e sleepy b i r d calls, a n d t h e o c c a s i o n a l a n d ever m o r e swerving e m e r g e n c e o f M o r n a t from t h e darkness, w h e r e h e h a d b e e n t u c k i n g i n t o t h e b o t t l e N a r e n d r a always p r o ­ v i d e d , s t o k i n g t h e fire w i t h a f o u r - f o o t - l o n g m e t a l s p o o n , s h o o t ­ i n g u p sparks t o t h e h e a v e n s a n d r e f l e c t i n g l i g h t u p o n a g o l d e n d o g w i t h g o l d e n eyes w h o sat, p a w s crossed, c o n s i d e r i n g

the

firelight. H e r e , w i t h i n a w o r l d c o n s t r u c t e d by the i m a g i n a t i o n a n d will o f a n e x c e p t i o n a l p e r s o n , u n d e r stars t h a t s e e m e d t o s h i n e e s p e c i ­ ally for t h e s e e v e n i n g s , t h a t o t h e r I n d i a m i g h t n o t exist. H e r e , e v e r y o n e was w e l l fed, h a p p y a n d s e c u r e . T h e t r o u b l e N a r e n d r a t o o k w i t h all t h i n g s sensual m e a n t t h a t t h e r e w a s n o d i s c o r d o r ugliness h e r e . All was a b u n d a n c e a n d g e n e r o s i t y . I h a d n o t c o m e across a n y o n e q u i t e like h i m b e f o r e — t h e s e l f - c o n t a i n m e n t , t h e seemingly inexhaustible well-spring of magnanimity and courtesy. H o w i r o n i c t h a t t h e qualities o n e m i g h t e x p e c t t o find i n a p r i n c e , a n d w h i c h h a d b e e n so l a c k i n g i n t h e o n e s I h a d m e t so far, s h o u l d find, i n a m a n w h o l o a t h e d royalty a n d all it s t o o d for, its a p o t h e o s i s . A s m u c h as h e w o u l d h a v e h a t e d t h e w o r d , I t h o u g h t o f h i m as a t r u l y ' n o b l e ' h u m a n b e i n g . N o w t h a t I k n e w s o m e t h i n g o f his h i s t o r y a n d t h e w o r l d h e h a d e v o l v e d f r o m , k n e w t h e forces r a n g e d against h i m , h a d a n 197

i n k l i n g i n t o t h e r e a c h e s o f his c o u r a g e a n d h o w easy it w o u l d h a v e b e e n for h i m t o r e m a i n safe a n d c o m f o r t a b l e , m y p r e v i o u s i d e a o f h i m s t r u c k m e as g r o t e s q u e , as easy classifications are as s o o n as o n e gets close t o a n o t h e r p e r s o n . B u t i n N a r e n d r a ' s case t h e differ­ ence b e t w e e n o u t w a r d appearance and i n n e r m a n was particularly easy t o m i s i n t e r p r e t . H e w a s o n e o f t h o s e p e o p l e w h o m w e o n l y d i s c o v e r t o b e w h a t t h e y really are after w e h a v e c o m e t o k n o w t h e m w e l l , a n d h e a l l o w e d p r e c i o u s f e w p e o p l e t o k n o w h i m at all. M y a d m i r a t i o n for h i m w a s i n p r o p o r t i o n t o t h e effort t h a t h a d b e e n n e c e s s a r y t o d i s c o v e r t h e t r u t h . B u t w h a t m a d e h i m so differ­ ent from most people I knew, n o t just in India b u t anywhere, was his l a c k o f d e p e n d e n c e u p o n t h e o p i n i o n o f o t h e r s . T h e n e x t a f t e r n o o n M o r n a t r e t u r n e d w i t h t w o fat a n d sleepy lizards. T h e y h a d t h e faces o f little o l d ladies w h o h a b i t u a l l y a t t a c k p o l i c e m e n . I w o u l d n o t h e a r o f t h e m b e i n g killed. ' M o r n a t , ' I said w h e n n o o n e could hear m e , 'do I have a balan or not?' Q u i e t l y M o r n a t o p i n e d t h a t I d i d n o t . I gave t h e lizards b a c k t o h i m t o l e t g o b u t I have a suspicion they e n d e d u p in t h e Jogi c o o k i n g - p o t . T h e r e w a s a n o t h e r o p i n i o n as t o m y state o f h e a l t h f r o m a real estate a g e n t i n j e a n s a n d T - s h i r t w h o d o u b l e d as a p a l m i s t . H e w a s o n e o f t h e t o r r e n t o f c o n s t i t u e n t s w h o c a m e t o t h e j h u m p a t o sit u n d e r t h e s h a d e for a f e w h o u r s p e t i t i o n i n g N a r e n d r a . H e s c r u t i ­ n i z e d m y p a l m a n d t h e n , i n front o f f o u r o r five m e n , a s k e d m e if m y breasts h a d e v e r b e e n b i t t e n h a r d b y a m a n . P o o r N a r e n d r a h a d t o translate. I said t h a t I c o u l d n o t r e m e m b e r w h e t h e r s u c h a t h i n g h a d e v e r o c c u r r e d a n d m a n a g e d t o stifle a b l u s h . H e

explained

t h a t if I h a d b e e n so b i t t e n , t h e n I w o u l d h a v e h a d

difficulty

c a r r y i n g c h i l d r e n t o full t e r m w h i c h w o u l d e x p l a i n t h e fact t h a t a l t h o u g h t h e r e w e r e five offspring i n s c r i b e d o n m y p a l m n o n e e x i s t e d i n real life. H e s u g g e s t e d I w e a r d i a m o n d s . T h e balan t u r n e d out to be n o t h i n g m o r e exotic than an i n ­ f e c t e d blister. T h e fever fell b e f o r e a firing s q u a d o f n e w a n t i ­ b i o t i c s a n d t h a t o t h e r little m e d i c a l m a t t e r , w h i c h I k e p t l o c k e d i n a b o x at t h e b a c k o f m y m i n d , w o u l d j u s t h a v e t o w a i t u n t i l after m y h o l i d a y w h e n I h a d t h e e n e r g y t o p o n d e r its i m p l i c a t i o n s . F o r n o w t h e r e w e r e friends, a n d m u s i c , a n d f o o d , a n d C h r i s t m a s , a n d snow-capped mountains, and Zali. A n d n o Chutra.

16 T h e h i g h e r t h e a l t i t u d e , t h e h e a d i e r a n d h a p p i e r o u r little g r o u p b e c a m e . Z a l i q u i v e r e d a n d sniffed for l e o p a r d s . T h e w e i g h t o f t h e plains d r o p p e d away like h a u l a g e falling off t h e b a c k o f a Tata t r u c k , b a r r e l b y b a r r e l d o w n t h e r a v i n e s . W e p a r k e d t h e car i n a t i n y village, l o a d e d p o n i e s a n d after a n h o u r a n d a half's w a l k u p t h r o u g h o a k forests c a m e t h e s o u n d , from N a r e n d r a ' s retreat, o f h o t water b e i n g sloshed into buckets, of c h a m p a g n e corks p o p ­ p i n g , o f a l o g fire c r a c k l i n g a n d o f R a n a K h a n w e l c o m i n g us w i t h m u s i c . Pleasures p i l e d u p t h i c k a n d s w e e t as snow. I h a d h o p e d t h a t t h r e e w e e k s ' rest i n t h e m i d s t o f g o o d c o m ­ p a n y w o u l d reinstate t h e m o r e o r less b a l a n c e d self t h a t I r e m e m ­ b e r e d . B u t n o . I h a d o n l y t o g l i m p s e at t h e e n d o f a l o n g valley, t h r o u g h t w e n t y r e c e d i n g shades o f b l u e , a scrap o f t h e plains c a p p e d w i t h d u s t f r o m w h i c h w e h a d a s c e n d e d , a n d I w o u l d set m y eyes r e s o l u t e l y i n t h e o t h e r d i r e c t i o n , t o w a r d s t h e H i m a l a y a n p e a k s , as if a v e r t i n g m y g a z e f r o m s o m e t h i n g t h r e a t e n i n g . A n d w h e n a n y o n e asked m e t o d e s c r i b e t h e p r e v i o u s e i g h t e e n m o n t h s , I f o u n d m y s e l f i n d u l g i n g i n s o m e fairly h y s t e r i c a l I n d i a - b a s h i n g . Yet s u c h are t h e e n i g m a s o f h u m a n n a t u r e t h a t if I t h o u g h t a n y o n e else a b o u t t o d e n i g r a t e I n d i a , I l e a p t t o its d e f e n c e . A n d I d i d n o t t h i n k o f this b e h a v i o u r at t h e t i m e as signalling t h e b e g i n ­ nings of a process of identification because w h e n I caught a g l i m p s e o f t h o s e plains, I felt n o t h i n g b u t d r e a d . B u t j u s t as a w o m a n c a n n o t recall t h e specifics o f p a i n d u r i n g c h i l d b i r t h a n d c a n o n l y say t h a t it was e x c r u c i a t i n g , so I c o u l d n o t r e m e m b e r t h e singular s e n s a t i o n s o f b e i n g d o w n t h e r e , s t r u g g l i n g a n d suffocating under the murk. I w r o t e u p m y n o t e s d e e p i n t o t h e n i g h t , f u r r o w i n g pages w i t h

b l a c k u n d e r l i n i n g s a n d asterisks. S u c h t h i n g s as: ' I n d i a is a horrible s o c i e t y b u t o f c o u r s e I c a n n o t say t h i s . I n s t e a d I h a v e t o say h o w m a r v e l l o u s it is b e c a u s e it c o n t i n u e s ; as if t h e r e h a d n ' t , t h r o u g h o u t t h a t c o n t i n u i t y , b e e n m o r a l a n d a e s t h e t i c d e c a y . B e c a u s e o f past glories a n d n e v e r m i n d t h e i n g l o r i o u s p r e s e n t . T h e

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f r o m t o p t o b o t t o m a n d f r o m r i g h t t o left; t h e giants o f t h e I n d e ­ p e n d e n c e m o v e m e n t n o w like t h e giants o f fairy stories — a species lost t o t i m e ; t h e p o o r e n d u r i n g b e c a u s e so f e w are c o n ­ c e r n e d w i t h c h a n g i n g t h e conditions w h i c h they have t o e n d u r e ; t h e s t r u c t u r e o f s o c i e t y is like a p y r a m i d i n w h i c h e a c h level e x ­ p l o i t s t h e level b e n e a t h it a n d grovels t o t h e level a b o v e ( a n d t h e p y r a m i d is b o t t o m l e s s ) . H u g e masses o f p e o p l e are b o r n t o n o p u r p o s e o t h e r t h a n t o b e p e r p e t u a l l y h u n g r y a n d H i n d u i s m has degenerated into an institutionalized abnegation of responsibility t o o n e ' s fellow m a n . ' It w a s a g r e a t relief t o w r i t e t h e s e t h i n g s . I'd lived t h e b e l i e f t h a t j u s t as o n e is u n j u d g i n g t o w a r d s o t h e r c u l t u r e s , o n e has a d u t y t o j u d g e one's o w n . B u t w h e r e d i d c u l t u r a l relativity stop? W h a t m o r a l i t y c o u l d b e universally a p p l i e d ? W h e n I felt o u t r a g e w a s I s i m p l y a c i p h e r for c u l t u r a l p r e j u d i c e ? A t w h a t p o i n t w o u l d I b e allowed to m o v e from t h e role of uncritical guest to participant w i t h a r i g h t t o s p e a k , t h e r i g h t t o express a n g e r ? If o n e sees a m a n , o v e r - f e d a n d c r a m m e d w i t h g o l d , h o l d i n g a c r i n g i n g half-starved twelve-year-old by t h e a r m and b e a t i n g h i m w i t h a large stick, t h e n f l i n g i n g h i m t o t h e f l o o r like a b u n c h o f rags, t h e n t u r n i n g t o t h e w h i t e g u e s t a n d s m i l i n g , o b s e q u i o u s l y b u t w i t h o u t s h a m e , b e c a u s e w h a t h e has j u s t d o n e is i n t h e o r d e r o f t h i n g s , is his r i g h t , w h i l e t h e b u n c h o f rags crawls off t o w e e p i n t h e c o r n e r o f a c e m e n t r o o m o n his b l a n k e t o n t h e floor, a n d falls i n s t a n t l y asleep b e c a u s e h e w o r k s for t h e fat m a n t w e n t y h o u r s a day a n d is m a l n o u r i s h e d a n d e x h a u s t e d . A n d if n o o n e says a w o r d o r m a k e s a n y m o v e t o s t o p it ( i n c l u d i n g oneself) b e c a u s e

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t h e y h a v e h a n d l e d e x c r e m e n t a n d it has e n t e r e d t h e i r m i n d s ' . Then? O r the wife of a diplomat, w h o

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besotted sixteen-year-old niece, 'You must m a r r y rather than e d u ­ cate yourself, b e c a u s e if y o u are e d u c a t e d y o u w i l l n o t adjust t o marriage.' T h e n ? T h e r e h a d b e e n n o t h e r a p e u t i c y e l l i n g , n o b u r s t i n g o f t h e laces. A n d o n t h o s e n u m b e r l e s s o c c a s i o n s w h e n a s t r a n g e r h a d said, ' A n d w h a t do y o u think of o u r great country?', w i t h that particu­ lar self-satisfaction, as if o n l y a l u n a t i c w o u l d find i n it a n y t h i n g b u t greatness, I h a d n e v e r said, ' W e l l , as a m a t t e r o f fact . . .' b e ­ cause I k n e w t h a t it w a s fruitless t o e n g a g e i n s u c h a c o n v e r s a t i o n as w h a t w a s c o n s p i c u o u s t o m e w a s invisible t o h i m a n d v i c e versa. A t n i g h t , t h e s e t o x i c scribblings; b u t i n t h e m o r n i n g w h e n I r o s e i n t o b r i g h t a l p i n e s u n , t h e w a r m t h o f friends, o f N a r e n d r a , t h e a b u n d a n c e o f breakfast, t h e effervescent air, t h e affection

of

Koju a n d H a n u m a n a n d Chandrawallab a n d Bishan — in short, i n t o t h e c o m f o r t s o f m y class — I c o u l d g a z e d o w n t o t h e plains a n d feel o n l y a d m i r a t i o n a n d w o n d e r . I n s t e a d o f m u t t e r i n g , 'I l o a t h e this c o u n t r y , ' I w o u l d t h i n k , N o , I love it. I love I n d i a . E v e r y t h i n g is c o n t a i n e d i n it. B e c a u s e f r o m this h e i g h t , I c o u l d focus o n t h e c r o w d a n d was safe f r o m t h e lives o f t h e i n d i v i d u a l s w h o c o m p r i s e d it. F r o m this h e i g h t , t h e w o r d s ' I n d i a w i l l c o n ­ t i n u e ' m a d e sense b e c a u s e o n e s a w t h a t g r e a t r i v e r as a g o d m i g h t , w i t h o u t r i s k i n g s u b m e r s i o n , free o f h o p e , a n g e r o r c o m p a s s i o n , w i t h o u t a n y desire t o c h a n g e it. I n s u c h a state o f m i n d I m i g h t visit Bishan's p e o p l e d o w n i n the

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w a r m t h a n d s w e e t n e s s , h e a r o n l y t h e l a u g h t e r , a n d b e able t o say, as a n A m e r i c a n a c q u a i n t a n c e said after a t w o - w e e k h o l i d a y i n I n d i a b y a i r - c o n d i t i o n e d b u s , t h a t ' t h e p o o r l o o k e d so . . . h a p p y ' a n d b e able, c o n v e n i e n t l y , t o f o r g e t t h a t i n this ' h a p p y ' village s u i c i d e is e x t r e m e l y c o m m o n a n d t h a t o n l y last m o n t h a w o m a n h a d h a n g e d h e r s e l f i n t h e forest. H e r family, t o avoid

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d e s t i t u t e , t r i p p e d b y o n e t w i s t o f fate o v e r t h e abyss o f w h i c h e v e r y I n d i a n , r i c h o r p o o r , is a c u t e l y a w a r e . I n s u c h a state o f m i n d I m i g h t d e s c r i b e t h e l o o k o n Bishan's face w h e n h e says, ' T h i s always h a p p e n s . Yes, e v e r y t i m e . K y a k a r e n ? Y a h a B h a r a t ( W h a t t o d o ? T h i s is I n d i a ) , as a n e x a m p l e o f t h a t

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w i s d o m a n d a c c e p t a n c e o f fate for w h i c h India's p o o r are so r e ­ v e r e d , r a t h e r t h a n a n a b s o l u t e loss o f faith i n his c o u n t r y ' s ability t o deliver j u s t i c e . It w a s n o t a m a t t e r s i m p l y o f c o r r u p t p o l i c e , c o r r u p t d o c t o r s (as if it w e r e possible for t h e m a j o r i t y o f p o l i c e a n d d o c t o r s n o t t o b e c o r r u p t ) , b u t t h a t t h e village p e o p l e t h e m ­ selves, w h e n g i v e n a c h a n c e , also p a r t i c i p a t e i n v a r i o u s f o r m s o f e x t o r t i o n o n t h e p r i n c i p l e t h a t if t h e r i c h a n d p r i v i l e g e d c a n g e t away w i t h it, a n d t h e p o l i t i c i a n s a n d t h e j u d g e s a n d t h e p o l i c e a n d t h e forest officers a n d t h e a d m i n i s t r a t o r s a n d t h e i r o w n s a r p a n c h , t h e n w h y s h o u l d n ' t w e ? A n d this m o r a l c o r r u p t i o n has s p r e a d so d e e p l y a n d w i d e l y t h a t t h e r e s e e m s n o w a y t o g e t r i d o f it b y a n y m e a n s o t h e r t h a n a c o n f l a g r a t i o n . It is n o t e n o u g h n o w t o f i n d a g r o u p t o b l a m e — t h e B r i t i s h o r t h e p o l i t i c i a n s (vile a n d c r a v e n t h o u g h t h e y o f t e n are) o r t h e industrialists o r t h e b u r e a u c r a t s — b e c a u s e e v e r y o n e p a r t i c i p a t e s at s o m e level. W h e n I p a i d t h e c o p at t h e side o f t h e r o a d his t w o h u n d r e d r u p e e bribe, even t h o u g h I had broken n o law whatsoever, b e ­ cause I j u s t d i d n ' t w a n t t o w a s t e a day s w e l t e r i n g i n a p o l i c e h u t at t h e side o f t h e r o a d filling o u t f o r m s (or i n d e e d r i s k i n g b e i n g b e a t e n u p o r r a p e d b e c a u s e t h e y w e r e d r u n k a n d crazy), b e c a u s e I was already e x h a u s t e d a n d h o t a n d u n c o m f o r t a b l e a n d fed u p a n d fretful a n d h a r a s s e d a n d t h e r e w e r e still a n o t h e r e i g h t h o u r s o f traffic a n d f u m e s a n d d i n b e f o r e I c o u l d b e g i n t o b r e a t h e , t o relax, t o r e g a i n m y s e l f u p h e r e i n t h e c l e a n air o f t h e p r i v i l e g e o f m y class, f r o m w h i c h v a n t a g e p o i n t I w o u l d b e able t o d i s c e r n t h e m a r v e l a n d w o n d e r o f t h e c r o w d a n d o f India's p e r p e t u i t y , a n d b e able t o s e n t i m e n t a l i z e I n d i a n r u r a l life b e c a u s e I d i d n ' t h a v e t o live it, d i d n ' t h a v e t o n o t i c e t h e m e a n n e s s a n d fear t h a t lay b e n e a t h its ' h a p p i n e s s ' — t h e n I, t o o , w a s guilty. If o n e c a n n o t m u s t e r a g o d l i k e d e t a c h m e n t , a sense o f i m p o t ­ e n c e is t h e n e x t b e s t p r o t e c t i o n f r o m despair. I n d i a is t o o b i g . T h e problems t o o i m m e n s e . W h a t vanity to t h i n k one's o w n actions c o u l d m a k e a n y difference

t o t h a t swelling f l o o d . T h e 202

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v o l u m e o f it suffocated e v e r y g o o d i n t e n t i o n . H e r e , Life m a t t e r e d , lives d i d n o t a n d t o a c h i e v e t h a t f a m o u s s e r e n i t y , w h i c h is n o w India's p r i n c i p a l e x p o r t (the f r i g h t e n i n g , v a p o r o u s s e r e n i t y o f t h e N e w A g e m o v e m e n t ) , o n e n e e d e d t o v i e w i n d i v i d u a l lives as insignificant, m e r e v e h i c l e s for D N A . T o a c h i e v e t h e l o n g v i e w , o n e steps f u r t h e r a n d f u r t h e r b a c k f r o m lives as t h e y are lived t o t h a t m o r e t r a n q u i l p o s i t i o n f r o m w h i c h o n e sees o n l y t h e c r o w d . F r o m t h a t p e r s p e c t i v e

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b e i n g s b e c o m e a species, w o r t h p r e s e r v i n g . B u t t a k e a n o t h e r step b a c k a n d it is n o l o n g e r n e c e s s a r y t o p r e s e r v e t h e species. T h e r e w i l l b e a n o t h e r f o l l o w i n g u s , after all. U n t i l t h e v i e w l e n g t h e n s t o s u c h a n e x t e n t t h a t t h e w o r l d disappears a n d o n e is left w i t h o n l y t h e c o l d r e a c h e s o f space, i n a p r i v a t e pas de deux w i t h G o d . W a s it possible t o a c c o m m o d a t e t h e c o n t r a d i c t i o n b e t w e e n a c t i o n a n d being, to i n c o r p o r a t e b o t h l o n g v i e w a n d short v i e w in one's a t t i t u d e t o life, t o b e b o t h reflective a n d active, d e t a c h e d

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involved? T h e r e was an o d d a n o m a l y in m y attitude to India. H e r e I h a d m e t t h e b e s t p e o p l e , t h e b e s t kinds o f p e o p l e I h a d e v e r k n o w n . P e o p l e w h o s e d e p t h , w a r m t h a n d dignity, w h o s e spread a n d reach, m a d e westerners seem pinched by comparison (pinched between t h e f i n g e r o f G o d a n d t h e t h u m b o f S a t a n ) . T h e c a p a c i t y for j o y h e r e , t h e g r a t i t u d e t o life n o m a t t e r w h a t h a n d it h a d d e a l t y o u . T h e o p e n n e s s t o a n d r e s p e c t for t h e b e i n g n e s s o f a n o t h e r , as if all t h e souls o f t h e w o r l d h a d m e t m a n y t i m e s b e f o r e . I n t h a t sense I felt m o r e at h o m e h e r e , m o r e i n l o v e w i t h life t h a n I e v e r h a d i n E n g l a n d . W h a t e v e r I t h o u g h t a b o u t I n d i a , I w o u l d find myself, a m i n u t e later, t h i n k i n g t h e o p p o s i t e w i t h e q u a l c o n v i c t i o n . N o t for a m o m e n t d i d it a l l o w relief f r o m t h e d i s c o m f o r t s o f p a r a d o x . N o t for a m o m e n t d i d it a l l o w i n d i f f e r e n c e . N a r e n d r a left a day b e f o r e u s . S o m e t r o u b l e i n J o d h p u r w i t h M o r n a t . W h e n I j o i n e d h i m t h e r e , w e sat o u t b y t h e fire a n d I p e s t e r e d h i m for t h e s t o r y . H e said i n E n g l i s h t h a t M o r n a t ' s s o n had almost died and that he, Narendra, had rushed h i m to a p r i ­ vate hospital. M o r n a t did n o t speak English b u t u n d e r s t o o d w h a t was b e i n g said. H e b e c a m e v e r y e m o t i o n a l , s t a r t e d c r y i n g a n d k e p t p u t t i n g his h a n d s t o g e t h e r i n t h a t w a y o f his. I c o n t i n u e d a s k i n g q u e s t i o n s s u c h as, ' B u t w h y d i d n ' t h e s e n d t h e b o y h i m s e l f ? W h y 203

d i d h e w a i t for y o u t o c o m e ? S u r e l y h e k n e w y o u w o u l d p a y for it? . . . D i d n ' t h e ? ' U n t i l N a r e n d r a asked m e p o i n t e d l y t o d r o p it. W h e n M o r n a t w e n t h o m e , I asked w h y . ' B e c a u s e it w a s m a k i n g m e sad a n d M o r n a t sad,' a n d h e w o u l d say n o m o r e . I j u s t c o u l d n o t f a t h o m t h e master—servant r e l a t i o n s h i p . I k n e w t h a t o f all t h e p e o p l e w h o w o r k e d for h i m , N a r e n d r a p r o b a b l y felt t h e d e e p e s t affection a n d r e s p e c t for M o r n a t . B u t w h a t d i d t h a t m e a n w h e n t h e f o r m a l d i s t a n c e b e t w e e n t h e m w a s so r i g i d t h a t M o r n a t w o u l d risk his son's life r a t h e r t h a n r i s k o f f e n d i n g his p a t r o n ? B e f o r e s e n d i n g M o r n a t h o m e t h a t n i g h t , N a r e n d r a h a d said t o h i m , ' T h a t d o g is e a t i n g m y brains.' ( H e felt t h a t I s p o i l e d Zali.) M o r n a t h a d l a u g h e d g e n u i n e l y a n d w a r m l y a n d r e p l i e d , ' H e is y o u n g , h e ' l l improve.' A n d I saw the complicity a n d understanding b e t w e e n t h e m , an u n d e r s t a n d i n g from w h i c h I was excluded. P r e v i o u s l y N a r e n d r a h a d r e f e r r e d t o his servants as his family a n d I h a d scoffed at s u c h o b f u s c a t i n g l a n g u a g e . T h e y are y o u r w o r k e r s I h a d said, y o u r serfs. B u t n o w I saw t h a t family w a s t h e t r u e r a n a l o g y . A h i e r a r c h i c a l family p e r h a p s , w i t h a p a t r i a r c h p e r c h e d f i r m l y at t h e t o p , b u t a family, w i t h a family's r e s p o n s i b i l i ­ ties a n d d u t i e s t o e a c h o t h e r . It w o u l d b e i m p o s s i b l e , for e x a m p l e , for m e t o fire C h u t r a s i m p l y b e c a u s e h e d r o v e m e crazy. If h e w a s h o n e s t , w h i c h h e w a s , s c r u p u l o u s l y ; if h e d i d n o t shirk his w o r k , w h i c h , it h a d t o b e said, h e d i d n o t , t h e n h e w a s m y u n t h w a l l a h for e t e r n i t y a n d his p r o b l e m s b e c a m e m y p r o b l e m s . N a r e n d r a was the centrifugal p o i n t in the m i d d l e of m y w h i r l ­ ing. H e was t h e interpreter of w h e r e I was. H e had, in a way, become I n d i a t o m e . B u t t o t r u l y u n d e r s t a n d s o m e o n e y o u h a v e t o u n d e r s t a n d his i n n e r d i a l o g u e — t h a t p e r p e t u a l d i s c u s s i o n w i t h w h a t f o r m e d h i m — his c u l t u r e . W h e n I h a d t o a c c e p t t h a t i n this p e r s o n I l o v e d t h e r e w e r e areas o f f o r e i g n n e s s w h i c h c o u l d n e v e r b e m a p p e d , a n d t h a t this w a s m u t u a l , I felt as if I h a d set m y s e l f adrift i n this baffling p l a c e a n d w o u l d n e v e r find m y w a y h o m e . O n c e h e h a d b e g g e d m e n o t t o r i d e a b i c y c l e b e c a u s e it w a s ' t h e easiest w a y for s o m e o n e t o m u r d e r y o u ' . ' B u t n o o n e ' s t r y i n g t o m u r d e r m e , ' I h a d said, aghast. ' H o w do y o u k n o w ? ' h e had countered and I had searched the h o r i z o n for s o m e t h i n g familiar o n w h i c h t o rest m y eyes. U s u a l l y t h e r e w a s n o sense o f strangeness b e t w e e n us a n d t h e unlikeliness 204

o f o u r f r i e n d s h i p w a s o b s c u r e d b y its s t r e n g t h . B u t so r e m o t e d i d h e s o m e t i m e s s e e m f r o m a n y t h i n g I c o u l d c o m p r e h e n d , it w a s as if I h a d lost m y f o o t i n g a n d w a s falling. It was n o t t h a t o u r t h o u g h t s w e r e different, t h a t w a s t o b e e x p e c t e d , b u t t h a t t h e w a y s i n w h i c h w e t h o u g h t w e r e different. B u t i n e v i t a b l y a g e a r w o u l d shift a n d I w o u l d be back w i t h m y friend in the w a r m t h of a deeper, h u m a n understanding. W h e n I said g o o d b y e t o h i m , it w a s a little like s e t t i n g off f r o m a n island o n w h i c h o n e has b e e n e n t i r e l y h a p p y a n d safe b u t , o n c e t h r o u g h t h e r e e f ( t h e f a r m gates), t u r n i n g t o face a n u n c h a r t e d sea.

17 'Isn't f o r t y - o n e a little . . .?' ' N o t at all,' said t h e g y n a e c o l o g i s t , b e a m i n g . B y t h e l o o k o n h e r face s h e m i g h t h a v e a d d e d , ' C o n g r a t u l a t i o n s . ' It s t r u c k m e t h a t a w e s t e r n d o c t o r w o u l d p r o b a b l y h a v e t r i e d at this m o m e n t o f t r u t h t o a r r a n g e a l o o k o f s y m p a t h y o n h e r face. It also s t r u c k m e t h a t I c o u l d n o t h a v e c h o s e n a b e t t e r c u l t u r e i n w h i c h t o e x p e r i e n c e this event. M e n o p a u s e . T h e v e r y w o r d has a funereal, d e a d - e n d t o n e . G r e y w o m e n , s u n k i n o b s c u r i t y , l e e c h e d o f vitality, r e a c h i n g for b o t t l e s o f b l u e h a i r - r i n s e a n d p a c k e t s o f V a l i u m , invisible at p a r t i e s , h u s b a n d s b e d d i n g secretaries, vaginas o f s a n d p a p e r , a n y l i n g e r i n g s e x u a l desires a j o k e for t h e c r u e l - h e a r t e d . D e a r G o d , w h o w o u l d w a n t t o g o t h e r e ? Yet e v e r y I n d i a n w o m a n I s p o k e t o , across t h e social s p e c t r u m , e i t h e r e x p e r i e n c e d n o n e o f t h e physical

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m e n t a l distress t h a t so p l a g u e d h e r w e s t e r n sisters or, if she d i d , dismissed it as n e g l i g i b l e . I n t h e w e s t t h e cessation o f e g g - l a y i n g signalled t h e e n d o f f e m a l e p o w e r , i n I n d i a its b e g i n n i n g . As it h a p p e n e d I h a d far t o o m u c h o n m y p l a t e t o b e w o r r y i n g a b o u t s u c h trivialities as ' t h e c h a n g e o f life', b u t it d i d strike m e as typically p e r v e r s e o f fate t o c h a n g e it n o w , j u s t w h e n I n e e d e d m y strength. C h u t r a w a s n o t w h e r e h e w a s s u p p o s e d t o b e . W h e n m y friends and I found him, o n a farm near the Rajasthan-Gujarat border, he h a d g a t h e r e d n o i n f o r m a t i o n as t o t h e l o c a t i o n o f R a b a r i d a n g s w i t h w h i c h w e m i g h t h i t c h a passage b a c k , m o r e o r less, t o J o d h p u r , n o r h a d h e m a d e a n y a d j u s t m e n t s t o o u r saddles a n d g e a r as I h a d asked h i m t o d o . H i s e x c u s e for n o t r i n g i n g m e w a s t h a t h e c o u l d n o t g u a r d t h e c a m e l s a n d u s e a p h o n e at t h e s a m e t i m e . I

206

s u g g e s t e d t h a t h e m i g h t h a v e asked s o m e o n e else t o r i n g m e , s i n c e his failure t o f i n d o u t w h e r e a n y d a n g s w e r e d i d r a t h e r m u c k u p m y p l a n s . T h a t is t o say I n o l o n g e r h a d a n y . A n d his b e i n g at a p l a c e o t h e r t h a n t h e a g r e e d m e e t i n g - p l a c e h a d m e a n t a n e x t r a day o f d r i v i n g a n d a n x i e t y for m e . H e c o u n t e r e d t h a t l o o k i n g after t h r e e c a m e l s w a s t o o m u c h w o r k for o n e m a n a n d h e n e e d e d assistants. I m a d e t h e p o i n t t h a t if I c o u l d w a l k a l o n e w i t h t h r e e a n d a h a l f c a m e l s across s e v e n t e e n h u n d r e d m i l e s o f d e s e r t , h e could

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c o u n t r y , w h e r e feed c o u l d b e p u r c h a s e d a n d k i n d l y p e o p l e w e r e a r u p e e a d o z e n . T h i s w a s a little u n f a i r o n m y p a r t b e c a u s e i n Australia I d i d n o t h a v e t o w o r r y a b o u t t h i e v e s , t h e r e b e i n g so f e w h u m a n beings to do the thieving. I n s i d e five m i n u t e s m y b e s t i n t e n t i o n s o f b e i n g a u t h o r i t a t i v e w i t h h i m , of n o t allowing myself to b e either irritated or bullied b y h i m , w e r e r u b b l e . H a p p i l y m y friends c o u l d n o w validate e v e r y ­ t h i n g I h a d said. Yes, C h u t r a R a m R a i k a d i d a p p e a r t o b e a t o t a l arsehole. If it s h o u l d s e e m t h a t o n e gets u s e d t o t h e c o n s t a n t t e a r i n g u p a n d tossing a w a y o f o n e ' s p l a n s , I a m h e r e t o tell y o u t h a t o n e d o e s n o t . O n e chases after t h e scraps w h i c h m a l i c i o u s w i n d s lift u p a n d away, o u t o f r e a c h . A n d it's n o t so m u c h t h e d e s p a i r o n e c a n ' t c o p e w i t h , it's t h e h o p e . E v e n t u a l l y o n e r e t u r n s t o t h e s i t t i n g a n d t h i n k ­ ing position. T h e r e are m o v e m e n t s o f R a b a r i , swirls a n d s w o o p s a p p a r e n t l y r a n d o m b u t fractal i n n a t u r e . H o w e v e r , t o p l u g i n t o this p a t t e r n , o n e n e e d e d t o b e i n m a n y places at o n c e , c o l l e c t i n g a n d c o l l a t i n g i n f o r m a t i o n , sifting o u t i n c o r r e c t details, d r i v i n g m a n y h o u r s t o a r r i v e at t h e office o f a p e r s o n w h o m i g h t h a v e a n o v e r v i e w o f t h e l o c a l p a t t e r n t o find t h a t t h e p e r s o n is away, d e a d o r u n h e a r d of. If o n e c o u l d h a v e fifty s c o u t s , say, all o f t h e m at t h e v e r y least b i ­ l i n g u a l , a n d if o n e h a d a c e n t r a l office w h e r e all fifty scouts c o u l d collate t h e i r m a t e r i a l all at t h e s a m e t i m e , a n d if o n e t h e n f o u n d a d a n g , o r a series o f dangs travelling i n o n e ' s g e n e r a l d i r e c t i o n , a n d if t h e m u k k i o f e a c h d a n g c o u l d b e p r e v a i l e d u p o n t o risk t h e i n c l u s i o n o f oneself, a n d if, t h e n , t h e p l a n s o f t h o s e m u k k i s d i d n o t c h a n g e at t h e last s e c o n d , w e l l , t h e n , o n e m i g h t g e t s o m e w h e r e . B u t as it w a s , I w o u l d h a v e t o set off o n m y o w n , b l i n d l y s t r i k i n g 207

i n t h e d i r e c t i o n o f J o d h p u r . A t least this p l a n h a d t h e a d v a n t a g e o f t a k i n g m e t h r o u g h p a r t s o f t h e Aravalli R a n g e s , w h e r e

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soul m i g h t take a breath before p l u n g i n g back d o w n into these m a l a r i a l plains. It was t i m e t o leave. I n t h e l o a d i n g - u p p r o c e s s , I h a d t i e d a sirsingle k n o t i n m y o w n w a y , a k n o t I h a d u s e d o f t e n a n d t o g o o d effect. C h u t r a c h e c k e d e v e r y t h i n g I h a d d o n e . W h e n h e c a m e t o t h e k n o t , h e called for t h e a t t e n t i o n o f t h e e n t i r e g a t h e r i n g — f a r m o w n e r s , f a r m w o r k e r s , relatives, n e i g h b o u r s , visitors, c h i l d r e n a n d friends — a n d d e c l a i m e d l o u d l y t h a t M a d a m S a h i b w o u l d b e lost w i t h o u t h i m b e c a u s e l o o k , h a h a , at this crazy k n o t . A f f e c t i o n a t e p i t y spread o v e r his face. Still a d d r e s s i n g t h e g a t h e r i n g h e c o n ­ t i n u e d , ' M a d a m Sahib, I w i l l n o w s h o w y o u t h e c o r r e c t w a y t o t i e a k n o t . ' W i t h e x a g g e r a t e d l y s l o w e d d o w n gestures h e d e m o n s t r a t e d t h e t y i n g o f t h e k n o t as if t o s o m e o n e w i t h frontal l o b e d a m a g e . Arsehole. Unquestionably. 'Chutra ji, look, maybe bora n o O K . Bora . . . (homunculus u n a b l e t o find t h e w o r d s for l e n g t h o r b r e a d t h ) . . . w r o n g , n o t r i g h t . . . T h i s w a y ? ' I h a d a s k e d h i m t o stitch t h e b o r a t h e n i g h t b e f o r e — a large r e c t a n g l e o f g o a t a n d c a m e l h a i r w h i c h , w h e n t h r o w n o v e r t h e saddle, f o r m s a p o c k e t o n e i t h e r side i n w h i c h g o o d s are c a r r i e d . I n s t e a d o f s t i t c h i n g t h e b o r a a l o n g t h e h o r i z o n ­ tal, h e h a d s t i t c h e d it a l o n g t h e vertical. T h e c e n t r e o f g r a v i t y o f t h e l o a d was t h e r e f o r e so h i g h t h a t it r o l l e d like a b a d l y ballasted ship w h e n e v e r t h e c a m e l m o v e d . C h u t r a i n f o r m e d m e t h a t h e k n e w h o w t o stitch a b o r a . ' O h , ' I said. W h y d i d I n o t say, ' S t i t c h it this w a y a n d that's t h a t ' ? W h y d i d I n o t bypass his e g o b y d o i n g it m y s e l f ? I h a v e n o e x c u s e s o t h e r t h a n fatigue o f t h e w i l l . I h u g g e d m y friends g o o d b y e o n t h e D e e s a — M o u n t A b u r o a d . I w o u l d h a v e sat r i g h t d o w n a n d w e p t t h e r e , if I h a d n ' t b e e n so w o r r i e d a b o u t t h e c a m e l s , t h e gear, t h e m a g a z i n e , D i l i p , C h u t r a , the camels, the magazine, Chutra, the magazine. A n d the h u m a n ­ ity c l u s t e r e d a r o u n d us, s h o v i n g , s t a r i n g , s m o t h e r i n g . C h u t r a seemed ambivalent about the perpetually

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w a v e d his stick at t h e m , d e s c r i b i n g t h e m t o m e as ' v e r y h a l f - m i n d ' a n d t a p p i n g his f o r e h e a d . O n t h e o t h e r h a n d , t h e y d i d p r o v i d e a n 208

a u d i e n c e . H e t o o k c h a r g e o f t h e p r i n c e s s e s s t r a i g h t away, l e a v i n g m e to lead R a m R a h i m . T h i n k i n g I could n o t understand h i m , h e i n f o r m e d e v e r y o n e i n c o n v o l u t e d b u t still d e c i p h e r a b l e l a n g u a g e that the t w o Jaisalmer pure-breds b e l o n g e d to himself w h i l e the u n d i s t i n g u i s h e d K u t c h i b u l l b e l o n g e d t o m e . H e w a s also f o n d o f boasting that h e was contracted to b e m y b o d y g u a r d by the R o y a l H o u s e o f J o d h p u r . I d o u b t if a n y o n e b e l i e v e d this b e c a u s e M a d a m Sahib, d e s p i t e h e r paleness o f skin, l o o k e d a b o u t as i m p o r t a n t as a pariah dog. T h e r e w a s q u i t e a l a r g e p o p u l a t i o n o f R a b a r i i n this area. T h e y h a d sold t h e i r h e r d s a n d b o u g h t l a n d a n d w e r e b e t t e r off t h a n t h e i r travelling c o u s i n s . B u t t h e w i l d e r n e s s h a d left t h e i r spirit a n d t h e y w e r e j u s t like a n y o n e else. O n c e this l a n d h a d b e e n t h i c k l y w o o d e d , r i p e w i t h b l u e b u l l s a n d b i g cats, r i c h w i t h grasses for t h e n o m a d s ' h e r d s . N o w it w a s b a r e as p i c k e d - c l e a n b o n e . T h e t r a c k w o u n d b e s i d e a village w h i c h surely c o u l d s u p p o r t n o m o r e t h a n fifty p e o p l e . All w a s q u i e t b e h i n d t h e b r o k e n wall; o u t s i d e it a f e w c h i c k e n s clucked a r o u n d in the dungheaps. T h e n a s o u n d w h i c h was chill­ i n g t o m e . C h i l d r e n . A v a l a n c h e s o f c h i l d r e n , t h o u s a n d s it s e e m e d , d r a w n o u t t h r o u g h gaps i n t h e r u b b l e as if b y a p i p e r , e a c h w i t h his o w n little face, h e r o w n little fate, b e a u t i f u l , l o v e d , u n i q u e a n d futureless. B e c a u s e t h e r e is n o t h i n g left for t h e m . N o t

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l a n d , o r trees, o r a n i m a l s , o r j o b s ; n o t e n o u g h m o n e y for e d u c a ­ t i o n , o r m e d i c i n e , o r t h e g u a r a n t e e o f a full s t o m a c h . Yet t h e y w i l l p r o d u c e t h e same n u m b e r o f children again - a n d again and again — a n d t h e physical u n d e r s t a n d i n g of that mathematics, of t h e g e o ­ m e t r i c p r o g r e s s i o n o f e v e r m o r e i n d i g e n t life, m a d e t h e h e a r t s h r i n k i n fear. I k n e w t h e statistics - t h a t t h e r e s o u r c e s s p e n t o n a single A m e r i c a n c h i l d c o u l d s u p p o r t t w e n t y - f i v e I n d i a n c h i l d r e n . I loathed the moralism w h i c h d e m a n d e d that the third world a c c e p t ( a n d p a y for) a v e r s i o n o f e n v i r o n m e n t a l p r o t e c t i o n

in

w h i c h trees w e r e m o r e i m p o r t a n t t h a n p e o p l e . A n y o n e w h o u s e d e l e c t r i c i t y o r d r o v e a car h a d n o r i g h t t o tell peasants t o s t o p felling trees. N e v e r t h e l e s s it w a s t h e c h i l d r e n o f I n d i a w h o i l l u m i ­ n a t e d t h e obvious — unjust disparity a n d m o v e m e n t s of w o r l d capital n o t w i t h s t a n d i n g — there are too many of us. It w a s difficult, w h e n I h e a r d t h e c a c o p h o n y o f t h a t s t r e a m o f life p o u r i n g o u t o f 209

t h e m o s t i m p o v e r i s h e d o f villages, n o t t o a b h o r h u m a n k i n d — its m i n d l e s s r e p l i c a t i o n . A n y l i n g e r i n g g r i e f at m y o w n childlessness w a s assuaged b y t h a t s o u n d , w h i c h n o w g r a d u a l l y d i e d away as t h e r i v e r o f life e m p t i e d b a c k i n t o t h e village, t h e f u r t h e r w e m o v e d on. T h e n o m a d s I h a d k n o w n t e n d e d to limit their children. B u t w i t h i n o n e g e n e r a t i o n o f s e t t l e m e n t t h e w o m e n lose t h e i r i n d e ­ p e n d e n c e , m o v e f u r t h e r b e h i n d t h e veil a n d b e g i n

producing

b a b i e s as fast as t h e i r w o m b s c a n m a n u f a c t u r e t h e m . I d o n o t b e l i e v e this is b e c a u s e m o r e c h i l d r e n are a n e c o n o m i c a d v a n t a g e t o settled p e o p l e . N o r t h a t c h i l d r e n h a v e a b e t t e r survival r a t e i n villages ( r a t h e r t h e o p p o s i t e ) . I t h i n k it is t o d o w i t h t h e d i m i n i s h ­ i n g status o f w o m e n w h e n t h e w a n d e r i n g life ceases, t o point

where

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reproduction. E v e r y o n e w e passed o n t h e r o a d d r e w f r o m C h u t r a t h e f o l l o w ­ i n g q u e s t i o n s : ' W h e r e are y o u from? W h a t is y o u r caste?' D e p e n d ­ i n g u p o n t h e i r a n s w e r s , h e w a s e i t h e r f r i e n d l y o r dismissive. ( T h e f u r t h e r d o w n t h e caste scale, alas, t h e m o r e dismissive h e b e c a m e . ) Yet h o w w e l l I u n d e r s t o o d this o r d e r i n g o f t h e c h a o s w h e n , a little f u r t h e r o n , w e s a w a travelling K u t c h i R a b a r i . M y h e a r t l e a p t o u t t o g r e e t t h a t w o m a n i n b l a c k — m y sister, m y family, m y jaat. B u t h e r eyes w e r e like t w o s t r i k i n g snakes. S h e was a l o n e w i t h h e r little flock o f s h e e p , h e r c o m p a n i o n s a l o n g w a y b e h i n d . I k n e w e n o u g h a b o u t d a n g life t o k n o w t h a t this w a s u n u s u a l a n d d a n g e r o u s . P e r h a p s h e r d a n g h a d h a d t o split i n t o smaller flocks, so that n o w there were n o t e n o u g h shepherds to go around.

Or

p e r h a p s t h e s h e p h e r d o f this flock w a s t o o ill t o w a l k , l e a v i n g t h e r e s p o n s i b i l i t y for t h e a n i m a l s ' safety u p t o this l o n e a n d u n p r o ­ t e c t e d w o m a n . If s h e lost t h e a n i m a l s , it w o u l d m e a n d e s t i t u t i o n for h e r a n d h e r family. T h i s w a s n o t a p l a c e i n w h i c h t r u s t a n d survival w e n t t o g e t h e r . I d i d n o t f r i g h t e n h e r f u r t h e r b y g o i n g o v e r t o h e r b u t lifted m y h a n d a n d c o n t i n u e d o n m y w a y . Zali was proving to b e a high-calibre c o m p a n i o n . T h e l o n g association w i t h J o g i s h a d b r e d o u t c a n i n e slavishness. H e h a d a n a r i s t o c r a t i c d e m e a n o u r , m i t i g a t e d b y terrific street c r e d . Survival w a s his first p r i o r i t y a n d his b e s t c h a n c e o f s e c u r i n g t h a t , o n this j o u r n e y , lay w i t h t h e M e m s a h i b w h o m , h e h a d q u i c k l y w o r k e d 210

o u t , h e c o u l d t w i s t a r o u n d his little p a w . C h u t r a d i d n o t signify. C h u t r a w a s i n a u d i b l e a n d invisible. B r a v e Z a l i . B e a u u u t i f u l Z a l i . Intellllligent Z a l i . This perspicacity regarding the way things were c o m m u n i c a t e d itself f r o m t h e first n i g h t w h e n h e slept o u t s i d e t h e front d o o r , o n l y t o m o v e o v e r successive n i g h t s t o s l e e p i n g o u t s i d e t h e d o o r of m y r o o m , to sleeping inside the d o o r of m y r o o m , to sleeping b e n e a t h m y b e d , t o s l e e p i n g o n a c o r n e r at t h e b o t t o m o f m y b e d , to sleeping o n the b o t t o m half of m y bed, to sleeping u n d e r the covers, m y a r m c u r l e d a r o u n d h i m , his n o s e p e e p i n g o u t o f t h e b l a n k e t s . W h e n N a r e n d r a c o n d e m n e d this b e h a v i o u r , I p o i n t e d o u t t h a t Z a l i h a d p i c k e d u p a n E n g l i s h v o c a b u l a r y o f at least a d o z e n c o m m a n d s a n d h e o b e y e d all o f t h e m , w h i c h w a s m o r e t h a n c o u l d b e said o f t h e u n t h w a l l a h . B u t e v e n w i t h Zali's fine c o m p a n y , t h e first d a y w a s n o t as l i g h t - h e a r t e d as t h e first day o f a l o n g j o u r n e y o u g h t t o b e . P e r ­ haps there w e r e m o m e n t s w h e n there w e r e n o p e o p l e clustered a r o u n d , w h e n t h e r e w e r e n o village d o g s salivating at m y ankles o r t h r e a t e n i n g t o r i p o u t Zali's t h r o a t , w h e n t h e infinite p o t e n t i a l o f a r o a d b e n e a t h one's feet e n t e r e d t h e spirit, so t h a t it fearlessly called to the future a r o u n d the b e n d , ' H e r e I a m . I a m c o m i n g to you.' But I do not remember them. B e i n g t h u s d i s a p p o i n t e d , I n o w set g r e a t s t o r e b y w h a t t h e first n i g h t m i g h t b r i n g . S l e e p i n g u n d e r t h e stars, c a m e l bells t i n k l i n g i n a cool breeze, perhaps s o m e interesting roadside c o m p a n i o n s w i t h w h o m t o w h i l e away a n h o u r o r t w o , n o t r u c k s h u r t l i n g u p t h e b a c k s i d e s o f c a m e l s a n d s c a r i n g t h e m o u t o f t h e i r w i t s , n o diesel f u m e s , n o g a w p e r s . H o p e again, y o u see. D a m n e d h o p e . I left t h e f i n d i n g o f a c a m p i n g s p o t u p t o C h u t r a as o n l y h e k n e w h o w to read the countryside. T h e place h e chose was n o t salubrious b u t t h e p u m p i n g of a well muffled t h e t h u n d e r

of

t r u c k s o n t h e r o a d a n d t h e m a l i (a field w o r k e r e m p l o y e d b y f a r m o w n e r s ) s e e m e d a s w e e t m a n . H e w a s v e r y e x c i t e d at t h e p r o s p e c t o f s u c h u n u s u a l guests n e a r his w e l l a n d offered t o h e l p w i t h e v e r y t h i n g . Alas, h e h a d n o m i l k . H e w o u l d r u n t o t h e

dudh

w a l l a h t o b u y s o m e w h i l e w e set o u r s e l v e s u p . I m i m e d t h a t this w a s n o t n e c e s s a r y b u t h e insisted. I p u l l e d o u t m y p u r s e a n d gave h i m s o m e m o n e y . C h u t r a t o o k t h e t h r e e c a m e l s off t o feed. I set 211

u p m y c o t , laid m y l u g g a g e o n t o p , stashed m y p u r s e u n d e r it, b u i l t t h e b e d o n t o p o f t h e l u g g a g e , p e r c h e d u p o n it, i n v i t e d Z a l i t o p e r c h u p o n it w i t h m e a n d p r o c e e d e d t o w r i t e b y t h e last rays o f the sun. W h e n the mali c a m e back w i t h t h e milk, I w o u l d m a k e t e a o n t h e little P r i m u s stove. T h a t w o u l d b r i n g h o m e t o C h u t r a (towards w h o m

I w a s m e l l o w i n g i n d i r e c t p r o p o r t i o n as t h e

w e a t h e r w a s c o o l i n g ) t h a t I w a s n o t at all helpless o r s t u p i d a n d t h a t h e c o u l d a l l o w m e s o m e i n d e p e n d e n c e w i t h o u t fretting. ' M a d a m S a h i b d o e s n o t u n d e r s t a n d , ' h e h a d said. ' I n d i a is full o f c r o o k s . M a d a m S a h i b is t o o trusting.' D e a r o l d C h u t r a , I t h o u g h t , a n d smiled. T h e m a l i r e t u r n e d . H e said, o r r a t h e r m i m e d , ' T h e stove w i l l n o t l i g h t i n this w i n d . Y o u m u s t b r i n g it i n t o t h e p u m p h o u s e away f r o m t h e w i n d . ' H o w v e r y helpful, I t h o u g h t . H o w c a n o n e n o t b e i n love w i t h this c o u n t r y after all? S o u n l i k e his t w o c o m p a n i o n s , l e e r i n g a n d u n p l e a s a n t fellows, w h o h a d asked i n a l e a d i n g s o r t o f way w h e t h e r I drank alcohol. I hinted, w i t h some very loud b o d y language, that I was a Baptist missionary w i t h a loaded pistol u n d e r h e r kurta. B u t the mali was harmless and I have never b e e n o n e t o panic over t h e presence o f suspect m e n , having dealt w i t h e n o u g h o f t h e m t o k n o w t h a t fearlessness is usually t h e b e s t d e ­ f e n c e . I h a n d e d o u t tea t o t h e t h r e e m e n , t o o k m y o w n c u p a n d w e n t t o sit o n m y l u g g a g e . W h e n C h u t r a c a m e b a c k w e c o o k e d r o t i a n d dal, t h e n c o l ­ lapsed. H o w e v e r I s o o n saw t h a t if I w a n t e d t o sleep at all, I w o u l d n o t b e able t o share m y c o t w i t h Z a l i . S t e a m rose off t h e u n d e r g r o u n d w a t e r b e i n g p u m p e d i n t o t h e w e l l , f o r m i n g a t h i c k w e t s h r o u d a r o u n d u s so t h a t I c o u l d n o t say w h e t h e r I w a s stifling h o t o r s h i v e r i n g c o l d . S o m e h o w , I m a n a g e d t o b e b o t h . Z a l i w h i m p e r e d a n d p u s h e d his l o n g n o s e u n d e r t h e covers. I r e m i n d e d h i m t h a t J o g i d o g s w e r e for h u n t i n g a n d f o r t e a r i n g strangers t o shreds. N o t for c u d d l i n g u p t o i n t h e n i g h t . N e i t h e r t h e d o g n o r I slept m o r e t h a n t h r e e h o u r s . C h u t r a snored. In the m o r n i n g t w o things b e c a m e apparent very quickly. B o t h Z a l i a n d I w e r e ill, a n d m y p u r s e w a s m i s s i n g . H a d m y p u r s e c o n t a i n e d o n l y m o n e y , I m i g h t h a v e n e g l e c t e d t o tell C h u t r a o f its disappearance, thereby hiding that i n c h w h i c h w o u l d lead t o a 212

mile of p r o o f of m y stupidity. B u t m y purse contained

torch,

m o s q u i t o r e p e l l e n t , p a s s p o r t a n d all t h e p a p e r s n e e d e d t o s u b d u e bureaucrats from here to Delhi. C h u t r a d e m a n d e d an exact reconstruction of the m o v e m e n t s of t h e p r e v i o u s n i g h t w h i l e h e p a c e d i n front o f m e , h a n d s clasped b e h i n d his b a c k . H e d e d u c e d t h a t t h e m a l i h a d e n t i c e d m e i n t o m a k i n g tea i n t h e p u m p h o u s e away f r o m t h e w i n d , t h e n g o n e o u t t o t a k e t h e p u r s e f r o m u n d e r t h e l u g g a g e o n t h e b e d . Yes, p e r h a p s I d i d r e m e m b e r h i m l e a v i n g w h i l e I m a d e t h e tea. Yes, p e r h a p s I h a d b r o k e n a c a r d i n a l r u l e b y displaying m o n e y i n m y p u r s e w h e n I gave t h e m a l i s o m e paisa for m i l k . A n d , y e s , it w a s possible t h a t h e was w a t c h i n g w h e n I b u r i e d m y purse in the luggage. T h e m a l i w h o h a d b e e n so f r i e n d l y t h e n i g h t b e f o r e c o u l d n o t b e f o u n d this m o r n i n g . C h u t r a c o n f r o n t e d his w i f e a n d d a u g h t e r i n s t e a d . H e said, 'As I c a n n o t find y o u r h u s b a n d , i n o r d e r t o clear u p this little m a t t e r o f t h e m i s s i n g p u r s e , I ' m afraid I m u s t g o t o t h e p o l i c e i n S i d p u r , a n d b r i n g t h e m here.' T h e m a l i a p p e a r e d s h o r t l y afterwards. C h u t r a said t o t h e m a l i , 'As y o u k n o w n o t h i n g a b o u t t h e m i s s ­ i n g purse, y o u will n o t m i n d c o m i n g w i t h m e t o t h e police station t o h e l p m e e x p l a i n t o t h e m w h a t has h a p p e n e d . ' B u t it s e e m e d t h a t t h e m a l i d i d m i n d . H e w o u l d like t o h e l p us find this a c c u r s e d a n d a b o m i n a b l e t h i e f b u t , regretfully, h e h a d t o g o t o w o r k . ' A h , ' said C h u t r a , ' i n t h a t case y o u m u s t t a k e m e t o y o u r m a s t e r a n d I w i l l e x p l a i n e v e r y t h i n g t o h i m . P e r h a p s I w i l l t a k e him t o t h e p o l i c e . ' A t this t h e m a l i s h r a n k f u r t h e r i n t o his rags a n d b e g a n t o l o o k far f r o m i n n o c e n t . I w a i t e d w i t h t h e c a m e l s w h i l e C h u t r a p r e p a r e d t h e coup de grâce. T h e r e s e e m e d t o b e lots o f a r m - w a v i n g a n d

head-shaking

g o i n g o n . E v e n t u a l l y I called t o C h u t r a a n d s u g g e s t e d t h a t , if w e gave t h e m s o m e t i m e , w e w o u l d m o s t likely find t h e b a g a b a n ­ d o n e d s o m e w h e r e as t h e y w e r e n o w o b v i o u s l y f r i g h t e n e d . T h e i m p o r t a n t t h i n g s w e r e t h e p a p e r s r a t h e r t h a n t h e m o n e y , so p e r ­ h a p s w e s h o u l d m a k e tea a n d w a i t . H e a g r e e d . Less t h a n half a n h o u r later, t h e mali's d a u g h t e r h a p p e n e d t o s p o t t h e p u r s e d i t c h e d i n a p e r f e c t l y invisible place. E v e r y o n e g a s p e d a n d r h u b a r b e d at s u c h p h e n o m e n a l g o o d l u c k a n d l o o k e d so painfully g u i l t y t h a t I felt s o r r y for t h e m a n d d o u b l y a n g r y at 213

myself. B u t C l o u s e a u w a s relentless. H e p a c e d t o a n d fro i n front o f t h e g a p i n g p u r s e , t w i r l e d his m o u s t a c h e w i t h o n e h a n d a n d lifted his o t h e r i n a g e s t u r e for silence. ' D o n ' t t o u c h a n y t h i n g , ' h e c o m m a n d e d . ' W e w i l l n o w call t h e p o l i c e t o see if t h e m o n e y is i n s i d e b e c a u s e it is r a t h e r s t r a n g e t h a t t h e mali's d a u g h t e r s h o u l d h a v e c r a n e d h e r n e c k o v e r h e r e , w h e n i n fact she s h o u l d h a v e b e e n w a l k i n g o n t h e p a t h o v e r t h e r e . ' T h e mali's d a u g h t e r b e g a n t o c r y . ' H o w m u c h w a s i n t h e p u r s e ? ' hissed C h u t r a i n a n aside. 'I d o n ' t r e m e m b e r . P r o b a b l y fifteen h u n d r e d o r so.' ' H o w c a n y o u n o t r e m e m b e r ? It w a s y o u r m o n e y . M a d a m S a h i b is v e r y forgetful.' '. . . A b o u t o n e t h o u s a n d . ' There

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a f t e r n o o n t h e d r a m a h a d r e a c h e d its d e n o u e m e n t . T h e m a l i w a s routed, I was h a n d e d eight h u n d r e d rupees and w e loaded u p to leave. T h e mali's w i f e w a s w a i l i n g ; his d a u g h t e r h a d fled. P u b l i c h u m i l i a t i o n , p u b l i c s h a m e . B u t C h u t r a h a d n o p i t y . A t h i e f is a t h i e f n o m a t t e r w h a t his c i r c u m s t a n c e a n d it was t h e w o m a n ' s b a d fortune to be married to one. I, t o o , w a s c o v e r e d i n s h a m e . H o w c o u l d I h a v e b e e n so t h o u g h t ­ less as t o leave s u c h t e m p t a t i o n a r o u n d for a m a n i m m u r e d i n p o v e r t y , w h o s e o n l y k n o w l e d g e o f E u r o p e a n s is t h a t t h e y are u n i m a g i n a b l y r i c h ? C h u t r a chastised m e for b e i n g t o o t r u s t i n g (read s t u p i d ) . A n d for b e i n g forgetful. I n d e e d I w a s forgetful, p a t h o ­ logically so, a n d for this t o o I felt n o t h i n g b u t r e m o r s e . I h a d so forfeited a n y c r e d i b i l i t y t h a t it w a s b e y o n d m e t o m a k e suggestions regarding the loading or the bora. H a d n ' t C h u t r a just p r o v e d h i m s e l f i n f i n i t e l y m o r e c a p a b l e t h a n I i n this v e n t u r e ? A n d s h o u l d n ' t a R a i k a c a m e l m a n k n o w , b e t t e r t h a n I, h o w t o l o a d t h r e e c a m e l s so t h a t t h e l u g g a g e d i d n ' t fall off? I n m y v i e w it l o o k e d v e r y p r e c a r i o u s b u t w h o w a s I t o j u d g e ? A v a g u e , gullible, idiotic ' p h o r e n ' . W e w a l k e d six m i l e s t o S i d p u r . C h u t r a ' s v i c t o r y o v e r t h e m a l i h a d g o n e t o his h e a d a n d a n y o n e w h o p a s s e d us, o r i n d e e d a n y o n e w h o w a s five h u n d r e d y a r d s away i n a field m i n d i n g his o w n business, w o u l d b e called o v e r a n d s u b j e c t e d t o a r e n d i t i o n o f t h e thief story in w h i c h o u r h e r o C h u t r a had, t h r o u g h wiliness a n d 214

i n t e l l i g e n c e , r e t r i e v e d for M a d a m S a h i b ( w h o c a m e o u t o f this s t o r y as a s o m e w h a t d i m - w i t t e d figure, q u i t e i r r e l e v a n t t o t h e p l o t e x c e p t as paisa wallah) o n e t h o u s a n d r u p e e s , a s u m w h i c h g r e w w i t h e v e r y passing m i l e a n d e v e r y c a p t u r e d l i s t e n e r u n t i l , b y t h e t i m e w e r e a c h e d S i d p u r , it h a d swelled t o e i g h t t h o u s a n d r u p e e s . It w a s i m p o s s i b l e n o t t o e n j o y t h e s e f a b u l a t i o n s for t h e relief o f h i l a r i t y t h e y offered, b u t t h e n I realized h o w v i n d i c t i v e C h u t r a ' s l y i n g w a s . E v e r y o n e i n t h e area w o u l d n o w k n o w t h a t t h e m a l i w a s a t h i e f a n d t h a t t h e mali's w i f e w a s a thief's wife. W i t h e a c h t h o u s a n d r u p e e increase, w i t h e a c h i n c r e m e n t o f evil a t t r i b u t e d t o t h e m a l i , a n o t h e r shovelful o f e a r t h fell o n his social grave. Z a l i s l o p e d a l o n g like a n o l d t r a m p . W h e n e v e r w e s t o p p e d t o rest f r o m t h e h e a t , h e f l o p p e d d o w n b e s i d e m e so t h a t I h a d t o c o a x h i m b a c k o n t o his feet w h e n it was t i m e t o leave. A n i m a l s d o n o t h e d o w n c o n s t a n t l y unless t h e y are s e r i o u s l y ill. ' Z a l i sick,' I said t o C h u t r a . H e w e n t o v e r t o t h e d o g , filled his o w n c l o g w i t h sand, p a s s e d this c l o g t h r e e t i m e s o v e r Z a l i , m u t ­ t e r e d a m a n t r a a n d a n n o u n c e d t h a t t h e d o g w o u l d n o w b e all r i g h t . S o m e h o w this a c t i o n o v e r w h e l m e d m e w i t h futility. O n e m i g h t o r m i g h t n o t s u r v i v e b u t e i t h e r w a y it w a s e n t i r e l y o u t o f o n e ' s o w n h a n d s . I n t h e streets o f S i d p u r I i n q u i r e d a b o u t a v e t . B u t it s e e m e d t h e r e w e r e n o vets i n S i d p u r or, if t h e r e w e r e , t h e r e was n o way o f penetrating the clamour, of finding a thread to follow. O n t h e o t h e r side o f S i d p u r , M o m a l s h i e d at a b u s . T h e b o r a t o p p l e d . T h e g o o d s w e r e scattered. It w a s h o t . T h e r o a d was t u m u l ­ t u o u s a n d full o f f u m e s . T h e d o g w a s ill. I d i d n o t k n o w h o w t o h e l p t h e d o g . I t r i e d t o lash h i m u p o n Sumal's saddle b u t h e fell off, h o w l i n g . M y n o s e w a s s t r e a m i n g , m y eyes i t c h i n g , m y t h r o a t raw. P e o p l e s t o p p e d a n d stared, o r l a u g h e d , o r r a n a l o n g b e s i d e us screaming. C h u t r a f o u n d it i m p o s s i b l e s i m p l y t o d o as I asked. I h a d t o explain in m y strained and exhausted H i n d i , in m y strained and exhausted voice, from the b o t t o m of m y strained and exhausted s o u l , why I w a n t e d h i m t o d o it. T h e n , o n c e I h a d g o t t h e w o r d s o u t , clumsily, foolishly, h e w o u l d c h a l l e n g e w h a t I h a d said o r ask m e t o e x p l a i n again, so t h a t e i t h e r I w o u l d h a v e t o s t r u g g l e o v e r t h e t o p o f his w i l l a n d b a c k o v e r t h e t o p o f m y e x h a u s t i o n o r let 215

h i m d o as h e t h o u g h t best, w h i c h w a s usually r i g h t , b u t s o m e ­ times, infuriatingly, w r o n g because h e was incapable of taking in a n y t h i n g n e w . H e h a d l e a r n t o n e w a y o f h a n d l i n g a c a m e l , j u s t as his p a r e n t s , g r a n d p a r e n t s , ad infinitum

h a d l e a r n t it a n d n o w w h e n

t h e s i t u a t i o n called for s o m e t h i n g different t h a t t r a d i t i o n w o u l d a l l o w for n o i n n o v a t i o n . I w a n t e d t w o t h i n g s m o r e t h a n a n y t h i n g I'd e v e r w a n t e d . I w a n t e d C h u t r a t o g o away a n d this l u d i c r o u s p r o j e c t t o e n d . A t t h e n e x t S T D b o o t h I w o u l d r i n g N a r e n d r a a n d tell h i m I w a s c o n t i n u i n g a l o n e . B u t t h e t r u t h w a s t h a t I c o u l d n o t d o this k i n d o f travelling a l o n e . It w o u l d b e n e c e s s a r y t o leave m y l u g g a g e t o feed t h e c a m e l s . T h e l u g g a g e w o u l d disappear. N o r c o u l d I tie t h e c a m e l s u p s o m e w h e r e t o m a k e a p h o n e call o r b u y f o o d for m y s e l f a n d e x p e c t t h e c a m e l s t o b e t h e r e t e n m i n u t e s later. T h i s w a s t h e reality. C h u t r a a n d I w e r e s t u c k w i t h e a c h o t h e r like b i n a r y stars. I k n e w this y e t it gave m e p l e a s u r e t o i m a g i n e h i m d i s a p p e a r i n g . T o imagine the w o r d i n g of the letter to the magazine describing m y o w n d i s a p p e a r a n c e . To i m a g i n e m y s e l f d i s a p p e a r i n g . W e lost t h e l u g g a g e again. W e s t r u g g l e d t o g e t h e r w i t h t h e l o a d ­ ing — sweating, grunting. I indicated h o w the weight should b e r e a l i g n e d , h o w t h e l u g g a g e s h o u l d b e l a s h e d . I said t h a t t h e b o r a n e e d e d r e s t i t c h i n g . B u t I w a s t o o t i r e d n o w t o force t h e issue. T o r e t a i n a s e m b l a n c e o f c o m p o s u r e I s w i t c h e d m o s t o f m y s e l f off — t h a t s t r a n g e , e v e r - r e c u r r i n g necessity d u r i n g t h e last t w o y e a r s , o f c l o s i n g d o w n vast l a n d s c a p e s , w h o l e c o n t i n e n t s , o f b r a i n .

18 O n t h e t h i r d day w e p u l l e d i n t o a r o a d s i d e dabar. I sat a n d d r o p p e d m y h e a d into m y hands. In t h e blackness b e h i n d t h e m , I was c o m p o s i n g variations o n the t h e m e of Chutra's disappearance. T h e rest o f m e w a s s h u t d o w n . S o m e o n e a r r i v e d at m y table. I d i d n o t raise m y eyes for a l o n g t i m e . W h e n I d i d , a y o u n g m a n i n a suit said i n H i n g l i s h , 'I a m a R a i k a . I a m a t e a c h e r here.' I m a n a g e d a s m i l e a n d v e n t u r e d t h a t t e a c h i n g w a s a n u n u s u a l p r o f e s s i o n for a nomad. 'Yes, m a d a m . B u t i n this area w e h a v e b e c o m e f a r m e r s . M a d a m , m a y I suggest t h a t y o u s p e n d t o n i g h t o n N a g j i bhai's f a r m ? I w i l l o r g a n i z e this. Y o u n e e d rest. A n d N a g j i b h a i w i l l b e able t o a n s w e r m a n y q u e s t i o n s r e g a r d i n g t h e R a i k a , i n fact a b o u t all t h e R a b a r i caste for h u n d r e d s o f m i l e s a r o u n d . H e is a k n o w l e d g e a b l e a n d important man.' H a n g o n . A R a i k a t e a c h e r s p e a k i n g E n g l i s h ? A n d this dabar. N o t t h e l o w r o o f e d l e a n - t o s filled w i t h spit a n d p a r i a h d o g s a n d flies, b r e w i n g c h e m i c a l - s t r e n g t h tea o n little m u d stoves i n i n f e r n a l h e a t , b u t l a m i n e x tables a n d a d v e r t i s e m e n t s for K w a l i t y i c e - c r e a m . C i v i l i z a t i o n . Vets. ' Y o u are so k i n d , sir. B u t I m u s t find a v e t ' N a g j i b h a i w i l l h e l p y o u . N o w I w i l l give d i r e c t i o n s t o y o u r c a m e l m a n . Please w r i t e w e l l o f o u r caste. H e r e w e h a v e b e e n v e r y f o r t u n a t e b u t e l s e w h e r e . . . W e l l , y o u h a v e s e e n for y o u r s e l f H o p e . T h e d o g c o u l d r e c u p e r a t e at Nagji's w h i l e I r e s t i t c h e d t h e b o r a a n d o r g a n i z e d t h e l o a d i n g . T h e p r e v i o u s t h r e e days c o u l d b e s u m m e d u p as a false start. E v e n t h e p o l i c e m a n o n t h e c o r n e r d e m a n d i n g m o n e y d i d n o t s u b d u e t h e cheerfulness o f h o p e . I refused t o give h i m a n y t h i n g . I m e n t i o n e d t h e s u p e r i n t e n d e n t o f 217

the Rajasthan police, a friend of Narendra's, and w r o t e d o w n the constable's n a m e o n a p i e c e o f p a p e r . T h e c o n s t a b l e let us pass. A t this s h o w o f s t r e n g t h , C h u t r a w a s q u i t e b e s i d e h i m s e l f w i t h h a p p i ­ ness. Scraps o f s o n g s c a m e o u t o f his m o u t h as h e s k i p p e d a l o n g , t w i r l i n g his stick a n d t i p p i n g his t u r b a n t o passers-by. H e said, ' L o o k , M a d a m S a h i b , t h a t b i r d t h e r e . N o , t h e r e . Y o u see?' a n d p o i n t e d t o s o m e t h i n g f e a t h e r e d sitting o n a n o v e r h e a d w i r e . It is easier t o b e l i e v e t h a t o n e c a n c o n t r o l t h e c o u r s e o f e v e n t s t h a n it is t o live w i t h t h e t h o u g h t t h a t w e are t h e i m p o t e n t u n f u r l ings o f initial states, t h a t e v e n t h e s e t t i n g o f a d i r e c t i o n o n w h i c h c h a n c e m i g h t o p e r a t e is itself a n effect o f m u l t i t u d i n o u s p r e v i o u s causes l y i n g o u t s i d e c o m p r e h e n s i o n , s e p a r a t e f r o m will, t h e m s e l v e s r e d u c i b l e t o i n f i n i t e l y r e m o t e first causes. W e m u s t b e h a v e as if w e w e r e t h e a g e n t s o f o u t c o m e s , as if c h a r a c t e r c o n t a i n e d w i t h i n it a k e r n e l o f free w i l l , e n o u g h , at least, t o a l l o w us t o c h o o s e r i g h t o r left w h e n c o n f r o n t e d w i t h a fork i n t h e r o a d , yes o r n o w h e n p r e s e n t e d w i t h a m o r a l c h o i c e . If d e t e r m i n i s m r u l e s , n o t h i n g c a n b e p r e d i c t e d b e c a u s e causes are t o o m u l t i f a r i o u s e v e r t o grasp. If free w i l l r u l e s , t h e n w i l d cards e n t e r t h e p a c k at e v e r y i n s t a n t . Either way, in m y world, the future was unfathomable. B u t in Chutra's k i n g d o m of consciousness the future was intelli­ g i b l e if o n e h a d t h e skills t o d e c i p h e r t h e c o d e s o f s y n c h r o n i c i t y — t h e s h a g u n s . If a p a r t i c u l a r b i r d flew f r o m t h e left o f t h e r o a d as w e m o v e d o u t o f c a m p , o r if a n o t h e r called f r o m t h e r i g h t , w e m u s t p a u s e a f e w m i n u t e s so t h a t w h a t e v e r b a d l u c k w a s w a i t i n g for us w o u l d miss us ( a n d p e r h a p s strike s o m e o n e else?), as if avian angels w e r e forever r e s e t t i n g t h e c l o c k s o f c h a n c e . C h u t r a o b t a i n e d p r o o f o f t h e v e r a c i t y o f t h e s e signs b y i g n o r i n g t h o s e w h i c h , i n r e t r o ­ spect, d i d n o t fit i n t o t h e p r e d i c t i v e s c h e m e o r b y

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C h u t r a saw t h a t I w a s l a u g h i n g , h e r e d o u b l e d his efforts u n t i l w e w e r e at w a r w i t h h u n d r e d s o f m o n k e y s . W e w a l k e d a l o n g for a c o u p l e o f m i l e s t h r o u g h a l i g h t as lovely as f a d e d c r ê p e f o l d e d i n an old woman's wardrobe. B y t h e t i m e w e r e a c h e d Nagji's village t h e w o r l d w a s q u i e t b e n e a t h a g a u z e o f m o o n l i g h t . Buffalo w e r e t e t h e r e d a n d b r e a t h e d w a r m air i n t o t h e n i g h t . O u t s i d e h o u s e s o l d m e n sat silently, h o l d i n g a g r e a t - g r a n d c h i l d o r w o r k i n g at s o m e craft b y t h e s h i n e o f a lamp. H e r e a n d there a darker b u n d l e a n d a glint of jewellery. D a r k n e s s t h r e w a c l o a k o v e r m y s t r a n g e n e s s , so t h a t p e o p l e let m e pass w i t h a n o d o r a softly called g r e e t i n g . H o u s e s , a n i m a l s a n d p e o p l e w e r e p a r t o f o n e h a r m o n i o u s l y i n t e g r a t e d t h i n g , like a carpet w o v e n by gods w h o alone could perceive the pattern. C o m e m o r n i n g the gods w o u l d unravel their work, j u m b l i n g its e l e m e n t s i n t o c o n f u s i o n , m e s s . A n d t h e y w o u l d r i p away m y c l o a k , e x p o s i n g m e t o t h e c r o w d . B u t , for t h e m o m e n t , t h e shuffling c a m e l s , t h e s i l h o u e t t e d d o g , C h u t r a - s i l e n c e d b y tiredness and myself were part of t h e weave. I h a d n o t b e e n able u n t i l a s h o r t t i m e b e f o r e t o u n d e r s t a n d t h e I n d i a n h a b i t o f s t a r i n g . I h a d b e e n w a n d e r i n g i n t h e bazaars o f M o u n t A b u a n d h a d s e e n a real freak. E v e n f r o m t h e o p p o s i t e e n d o f t h e street, e v e n w h e n a l m o s t s u b m e r g e d b e n e a t h t h e swirl o f p e o p l e , s h e w a s t h e c y n o s u r e o f all eyes, i n c l u d i n g m y o w n . S h e w a n d e r e d t h r o u g h t h e bazaar unaware of her monstrousness or p e r h a p s i n u r e d t o it. S h e w a s pale, larval a n d p r o f o u n d l y o u t o f p l a c e . S h e t o o h a d t r i e d t o disguise h e r s e l f i n k u r t a p a j a m a , h a d p u l l e d h e r h a i r b a c k as I h a d d o n e . S h e t o o w o r e t h e e x p r e s s i o n I k n e w I w o r e i n t h e streets, a k i n d o f g r i m d e t e r m i n a t i o n t o d e n y b e i n g a E u r o p e a n , t o p r e t e n d t h a t t h e p e o p l e w h o p o i n t e d , stared a n d l a u g h e d m u s t b e p o i n t i n g , s t a r i n g a n d l a u g h i n g at s o m e b o d y else. I h a d realized t h e n , w i t h a n u n p l e a s a n t little s h o c k , t h a t n o m a t t e r h o w d e e p m y i d e n t i f i c a t i o n w i t h this c o u n t r y w e n t , I w o u l d always b e s e e n as alien. I w o u l d b e like t h e

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g e n e r a t i o n J a p a n e s e A m e r i c a n I k n e w w h o s e spirit b r o k e w h e n 219

h e w a s a t e e n a g e r a n d realized h e c o u l d n e v e r b e a c r e d i b l e C o u n t r y & W e s t e r n singer. B y n o w I was coaxing t h e d o g along. H e staggered sometimes, w o u l d l e a n against m e , s t r u g g l e o n . I r o d e for a w h i l e , c a r r y i n g Z a l i i n front o f m e o n t h e saddle u n t i l h e p l e a d e d so h a r d for his d i g n i t y , I l e t h i m d o w n . E v e n t u a l l y i n t h e d a r k n e s s I, t o o , g o t d o w n . T h e d o g c a m e t o l e a n against m y legs. 'Just a little f u r t h e r , m y f r i e n d . T h e n y o u c a n rest as l o n g as y o u w a n t . ' B u t it w a s n ' t j u s t a little further. T h e f a r m s h e r e w e r e fertile. Y o u c o u l d smell p r o s p e r i t y as y o u w a l k e d d o w n t h e lanes. T h e s c e n t o f d e n s e g r e e n g r o w t h , i r r i g a ­ t i o n m i s t , massive trees n o t b u t c h e r e d for t h e i r f o d d e r , f a t t e n e d , passive cattle. H o w c r u e l t o b e so close t o safety, i n t h e m i d s t o f s u c h a b u n d a n c e , w h i l e life e k e d o u t o f a b o d y w i t h e v e r y step. Z a l i , m o s t n o b l e r e p r e s e n t a t i v e o f his species, d i d n o t c o m p l a i n b u t k e p t o n , s o m e t i m e s t o u c h i n g his n o s e t o m y h a n d as if t o give r e a s s u r a n c e as m u c h as s e e k it. It w a s n e a r l y m i d n i g h t w h e n w e r e a c h e d Nagji's f a r m . A m o n g t h e faces l o o m i n g o u t o f t h e n i g h t , a n d t h r o u g h t h e fog o f m y e x h a u s t i o n , m y h o s t was i n s t a n t l y r e c o g n i z a b l e . A u t h o r i t y r a d i a t e d f r o m h i m , t o u c h i n g a n d e n f o l d i n g all, i n t i m i d a t i n g a n d p r o t e c t i n g all. Y o u c o u l d l e a n t h e w e i g h t o f t h e w o r l d o n N a g j i a n d h e would not bend. I b e g a n t o u n l o a d t h e c a m e l s . H e c o m m a n d e d t h a t I stop. W h a t w a s C h u t r a for, if n o t t o d o his j o b ? I w a s t o sit o n a c h a r p o i a n d rest. I sat. Tea w a s b r o u g h t b y w o m e n w h o s e e m e d t o w a n t t o s h r i n k u n d e r t h e p a t r i a r c h ' s gaze. W i t h t h e n o i s e o f h u r r y i n g skirts, t h e y v a n i s h e d b e h i n d t h e h o u s e . T h e offer o f f o o d

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refused b u t f o o d c a m e a n y w a y . N a g j i said, ' W h i l e y o u are h e r e , y o u d o n o t o p e n y o u r f o o d b o x . ' I e x p r e s s e d m y g r a t i t u d e as b e s t I c o u l d . T h e n , s w a l l o w i n g e m b a r r a s s m e n t at m a k i n g a r e q u e s t after his k i n d n e s s , I b r o u g h t u p t h e s u b j e c t o f t h e d o g . D i d N a g j i h a v e a n y antibiotics? F r o m w h e r e a n d h o w s o o n c o u l d a v e t b e e n ­ g a g e d ? C o u l d o n e b e called n o w ? I w a s n o t q u i t e s u r e w h a t N a g j i said b u t e v e n t u a l l y it p e n e t r a t e d t h a t n o t h i n g c o u l d b e d o n e t o ­ n i g h t , a n d n o t h i n g t o m o r r o w , it b e i n g S u n d a y . I t r i e d t o k e e p t h e despair off m y face b u t N a g j i l o w e r e d his O l d T e s t a m e n t h e a d a n d stared r i g h t t h r o u g h m e . 'I w i l l s e n d for a v e t t o m o r r o w . I n t h e 220

m e a n t i m e G o d w i l l b e k i n d , o r p e r h a p s n o t , b u t t h e r e is n o t h i n g y o u c a n do.' C h u t r a h a d b e e n t r y i n g t o b i g - n o t e h i m s e l f as usual. B u t h e ' d b e e n s i l e n c e d b y a g l a n c e . I felt a s t r a n g e p r o t e c t i v e n e s s t o w a r d s h i m . C o u l d it b e t h a t , i n spite o f m y w a n t i n g so d e s p e r a t e l y for h i m t o v a n i s h , t h e r e l u r k e d s o m e n a s c e n t affection for h i m ? A t last, at a lull i n t h e c o n v e r s a t i o n , d u r i n g w h i c h I p r e p a r e d m y g o o d n i g h t politenesses because I t h o u g h t I m i g h t i n c o n v e n i e n c e e v e r y o n e b y d y i n g if I c o u l d n ' t g e t h o r i z o n t a l , C h u t r a f o u n d his v o i c e . H e s t o o d u p , s p r e a d his a r m s w i d e t o i n d i c a t e N a g j i , his family, his f a r m , a n d all t h e p e o p l e w h o h a d g a t h e r e d t o offer t h e i r h o s p i t a l i t y , a n d d e c l a i m e d , ' M a d a m S a h i b . All this I h a v e fixed for you.' In the m o r n i n g I t o o k in m y surroundings. A n o p e n

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scape o f h a r d p a c k e d w h i t e e a r t h , s w e p t e a c h day b y t h e w o m e n a n d shaded by ancient trees. T h r e e camels tethered to a g r o u n d p e g ; b e s i d e t h e m t w o b u l l o c k s , sleek, g l e a m i n g , e n o r m o u s , fit for Shiva t o r i d e , n o s i n g at f r e s h - c u t l u c e r n e . T h e r e w e r e

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r o o f e d stables a n d piles o f h a y t h e size o f h u t s . W h e r e d a r k r o o t s p e n e t r a t e d t h e soil, c h a r p o i s w e r e s t a c k e d . A w h i t e w a s h e d v e r a n ­ d a h c o n t a i n e d bags o f w h e a t a n d w e l l - o i l e d h a r n e s s e s . B o r d e r i n g t h e acre o f w h i t e n e s s a n d s h a d e , b l u e fields b u r s t w i t h c r o p s . T o t h e I n d i a n r u r a l a e s t h e t i c , this w a s paradise. H e r e was s e c u r i t y . H e r e o n e w o u l d n o t g o h u n g r y . O u t t h e r e , b e y o n d t h e fence, b e y o n d t h e village c o m p o u n d , w e r e b a n d i t s , w i l d beasts, l a w l e s s ­ ness, d a n g e r , h a r d s h i p s a n d d e a t h . W h a t e v e r b e a u t y w a s i n t h e w o r l d b e l o n g e d t o t h e villages, t o d o m e s t i c i t y , n e v e r t o j u n g l e w h e r e m a n was r e d u c e d to predator and prey. O n e o f Nagji's d a u g h t e r s , h a v i n g s w e p t t h e c o m p o u n d , was n o w wafting incense a n d b u r n i n g coal a r o u n d t h e f a r m t o w a r d off d i r t o f a n o t h e r o r d e r . S h e s h o t a sideways s m i l e at m e , passed t h e i n c e n s e o v e r Z a l i , t h e n i n d i c a t e d tea. I w a s t o f o l l o w her. N a g j i h a d e i g h t c h i l d r e n , six girls a n d t w o b o y s . H i s w i f e w a s away, v i s i t i n g h e r family, b u t t h e o l d e s t d a u g h t e r , a w o m a n i n h e r t w e n t i e s , l e d m e i n t o t h e l i v i n g q u a r t e r s t h r o u g h a small w o o d e n d o o r c u t h i g h i n t h e w a l l , w h i c h w a s b o l t e d b e h i n d m e . It w a s like e n t e r i n g a c a g e full o f p a r a k e e t s . Six w o m e n w e r e u p o n m e , a s k i n g q u e s t i o n s , all at o n c e , i n t h e local dialect, e a c h o u t d o i n g t h e o t h e r , 221

o n e p u l l i n g m e o n e w a y t o see s o m e t h i n g , a n o t h e r p u l l i n g m e t h e o t h e r — all o f t h e m l a u g h i n g a n d l o o k i n g i n t o m y face

with

w o n d e r . I w a s i n a small c o u r t y a r d w h e r e t h e a n i m a l s w e r e k e p t at n i g h t . T o t h e r i g h t w a s a d o o r l e a d i n g t o a l o n g r o o m . T o t h e left, a tiny c e m e n t cubicle, the kitchen. T h e y p u s h e d m e i n t o t h e l o n g r o o m w h e r e e v e r y o n e slept a n d i n w h i c h t h e w o m e n lived w h e n t h e y w e r e n ' t w o r k i n g , s u p e r ­ vised, i n t h e fields o r c o o k i n g i n t h e s w e a t - b o x . T h e r o o m w a s dark and cool. In o n e corner, illuminated by the only window, w e r e s o m e l a r g e clay m a t k i s full o f w a t e r a n d a small p u j a s t a n d . I w a s t o h a v e a b a t h , it s e e m e d . A t t h e o p p o s i t e e n d o f t h e r o o m , a l o n g t h e wall, w e r e r o w s o f brass a n d stainless steel c o o k i n g u t e n ­ sils w h i c h h a d b e e n p o l i s h e d w i t h m u d u n t i l t h e y c o u l d c a t c h t h e faintest fall o f l i g h t - a visual effect w h i c h , if t r a n s l a t e d i n t o s o u n d , w o u l d b e a n o r g a n s t o p p e d at basso p r o f o n d o .

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quilts w e r e f o l d e d a l o n g o n e wall; c h a r p o i s w e r e s t a c k e d against the opposite one. T h e w o m e n i n d i c a t e d t h e w a t e r , gave m e a l o w w o o d e n s t o o l , h a n d e d m e s o m e s o a p a n d sat i n a s e m i - c i r c l e as if w a i t i n g for t h e c u r t a i n t o g o u p . I h a d b e e n t o l d t h a t o n e s h o u l d n o t display one's

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pajama, placed soap and matkis o n t h e stand a n d squatted. S u p ­ p r e s s e d giggles. O l d e s t d a u g h t e r h a n d e d m e a l u n g i (sarong) a n d b a d e m e sit o n t h e s t o o l t o h a v e m y w a s h a n d p u t t h e m a t k i at m y feet. T h e l u n g i d i d n o t q u i t e c o v e r m y p u b i c h a i r so, o n c e again, a w k w a r d n e s s c r i p p l e d e v e r y m o v e m e n t . T h e y w a t c h e d , fas­ c i n a t e d , as I b a t h e d . O n c e t h a t w a s over, I w a s i n v i t e d t o sit w i t h t h e m i n t h e k i t c h e n w h i l e t h e y p r e p a r e d f o o d . T h e r e was n o c h i m n e y a n d s m o k e filled t h e r o o m . P a r t o f it w a s o p e n t o t h e sky, so t h a t a w e d g e o f s c a l d i n g l i g h t fell i n t o t h e g l o o m . H o w c o u l d t h e y b e a r this i n s u m m e r ? H o w c o u l d t h e y possibly b e a r t o sit i n this b o x i n f o r t y - f i v e - d e g r e e h e a t , b e n d i n g o v e r fire w i t h n o air t o b r e a t h e , h o u r after h o u r , p o u n d i n g d o u g h , b o i l i n g tea? W h a t w e r e t h e y m a d e of that they could endure torture w i t h o u t complaint? A l ­ r e a d y I felt n u m b e d b y t h e h e a t a n d t h e s m o k e , q u e a s y i n t h e s t o m a c h . A n d y e t , y e a r s b e f o r e , I h a d lived i n a s t o n e r u i n w i t h 222

h a l f a roof, w h i c h I s h a r e d w i t h snakes a n d fig trees, a n d it w a s so h o t t h a t c h e e s e m e l t e d d o w n off t h e shelves a n d c a n d l e s d i s a p ­ p e a r e d i n t o p u d d l e s w i t h o u t b e i n g lit. A n d associated w i t h t h a t time

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discomfort. All t h e sisters w e r e literate b u t o n l y o n e s p o k e H i n d i . S h e d i d t h e t r a n s l a t i n g . T h e y r e p e a t e d q u e s t i o n s o v e r a n d over, l o u d e r a n d l o u d e r , closer a n d closer. T h e fire w a s c r a c k l i n g . H e a v i l y s p i c e d a n d o i l e d f o o d w a s f o r c e d o n m e , w h i c h I ate t o please t h e m b u t felt ill. G u i l t i l y I t o o k s o m e o f m y q u o t a o u t t o t h e d o g . T h e w o m e n l o o k e d at e a c h o t h e r . W a s t e this h i g h - c l a s s g u e s t f o o d o n a d o g w h i c h w i l l d i e a n y w a y ? Z a l i sniffed at t h e f o o d , l o o k e d at m e a n d lay d o w n , l e a v i n g it u n t o u c h e d . B a c k i n t h e k i t c h e n t h e ladies w h i s p e r e d t o g e t h e r , t h e n asked m e h o w m u c h I paid C h u t r a . I guessed immediately that h e h a d b e e n s k i t i n g t o t h e m , so I i n c r e a s e d t h e a m o u n t b y a t h i r d . T h e o l d e r w o m a n t u r n e d t r i u m p h a n t l y t o h e r sisters a n d said, 'I t o l d y o u so!' Silly C h u t r a h a d e x a g g e r a t e d so w i l d l y t h a t o n l y a n i d i o t could have believed h i m . Suddenly there came the s o u n d of the tread of the patriarch. N o t so m u c h a n aviary n o w , m o r e a h e n - h o u s e w h e n a h a w k flies over. T h e w o m e n s c a t t e r e d t o t h e f o u r c o r n e r s o r c o n c e n t r a t e d o n w h a t they w e r e d o i n g w i t h frozen attention. H e c a m e in and g l o w e r e d at t h e m . T h e y d i d n o t l o o k u p . ' Y o u h a v e n o t g i v e n h e r e n o u g h t o eat,' h e b e l l o w e d , g r a b b i n g a plate and ladling yet m o r e ghee o n to a chapati. ' N o , really,' I said, 'I c a n n o t eat so m u c h . T h e y h a v e fed m e t o o w e l l . T o o well.' I g r a b b e d m y s t o m a c h a n d g r o a n e d . N a g j i h a r r u m p h e d a n d cast o n e m o r e t h r e a t e n i n g l o o k o v e r his flock b e f o r e o p e n i n g t h e d o o r . ' C o m e t o t h e front,' h e said t o m e , ' w h e n y o u are ready.' T h e m o m e n t h e left, t h e w o m e n flew b a c k t o m e like n a u g h t y schoolgirls. I a l m o s t always p r e f e r r e d b e i n g w i t h w o m e n b u t Nagji's d a u g h ­ ters e x h a u s t e d m e . O n e o f t h e effects o f b e i n g l o c k e d i n s i d e a r o o m all y o u r life is t h a t t h e ability t o i m a g i n e a n o t h e r ' s state is a t r o p h i e d . T h e y c o u l d n o t g r a s p w h a t effort it r e q u i r e d t o c o m m u ­ n i c a t e w i t h six p e o p l e w i t h o u t t h e w o r d s t o d o it i n . A n d it u p s e t

m e t o see h o w far t h e y h a d fallen i n so s h o r t a t i m e , a fall d i r e c t l y r e l a t e d t o t h e family's rise i n f o r t u n e s . C o n f o r m i n g t o t h e m o r e r i g i d t r a d i t i o n s s u c h as l o c k i n g u p w o m e n is a p r i v i l e g e o n l y t h e u p w a r d l y m o b i l e c a n afford. N o t t h a t t h e w o m e n m o u r n e d t h e i r loss. H o w c o u l d t h e y ? T h e y h a d n o t h i n g w i t h w h i c h t o c o m p a r e t h e i r lives. A n d if y o u asked t h e m , t h e y w o u l d find n o t h i n g m i s s i n g b e c a u s e , after all, w a s n ' t t h e i r f a t h e r a n i m p o r t a n t m a n ? D i d n ' t h e p r o v i d e w e l l for t h e m ? H a d n ' t h e f o u n d t h e m h u s b a n d s f r o m g o o d families? H a d n ' t h e m a r r i e d t h e m off o n t h e s a m e day a n d p r o v i d e d a b i g feast for t h e o c c a s i o n ? W a s n ' t t h e i r l i t d e b r o t h e r b e i n g e d u c a t e d at a n E n g l i s h - m e d i u m s c h o o l i n d i s t a n t M o u n t A b u ? S o w h a t if t h e y c o u l d n o t v e n t u r e o n t h e i r o w n t o t h e front o f t h e h o u s e a n d , if a n y o n e c a m e , m u s t flee g i g g l i n g t o t h e s h a d o w s o r h i d e i n t h e i r l o n g cell, like m o l e s . But I could compare t h e m with the w o m e n of Kutch whose m e n l o o k e d at t h e m w i t h affection, r e s p e c t a n d n o t a little a w e , w h o could stride o u t and laugh w i t h their heads t h r o w n back, c r a c k j o k e s a n d sing, h a g g l e w i t h t h e s h o p wallahs, a n d fight w i t h t h e i r slings b e s i d e t h e i r m e n . I m i s s e d t h o s e w o m e n . M i s s e d t h e space i n t h e i r souls. A n d I l o n g e d t o leave t h e k i t c h e n n o w for t h e o p e n n e s s o f t h e front c o m p o u n d . O n e o f t h e y o u n g e r girls c a m e flying t h r o u g h t h e d o o r , b r e a t h ­ less. ' M a has c o m e ! M a has c o m e ! ' T h e w o m e n rose as o n e . T h e i r faces h a d b e e n t r a n s f o r m e d . G o n e w a s a n y coarseness. O n l y l o v e was in t h e m , shining from t h e m . A l u m p c a m e to m y throat and I h a d t o eat s o m e t h i n g t o k e e p it d o w n . T h e i r m o t h e r h a d b e e n away j u s t t w o days, y e t it w a s as if she h a d r e t u r n e d f r o m a d e c a d e o f travel. T h e d a u g h t e r s p r e s s e d a r o u n d h e r , c o o e d t o h e r , kissed h e r h a n d s , h u g g e d h e r , t o u c h e d h e r hair. T h e y a d o r e d h e r w i t h a passion I h a d never before seen expressed w i t h such intensity b e t w e e n m o t h e r a n d d a u g h t e r s . It w a s as if, i n t h e i r i m p r i s o n m e n t inside the l o n g r o o m , they h a d g r o w n into o n e another, f o r m i n g o n e o r g a n i s m . I d i d n o t d i s c o v e r M a ' s h i s t o r y b u t I suspect she h a d h a d a relatively free life b e f o r e h e r m a r r i a g e . T h e air o f e m p t y spaces still l i n g e r e d a r o u n d h e r . H o w awful it m u s t h a v e b e e n t o b e t r a p p e d i n t h a t r o o m o r w a t c h e d e v e r y s e c o n d as she l a b o u r e d i n t h e fields. H o w d e e p l y she m u s t h a v e n e e d e d t h e t e n d e r n e s s o f those daughters. 224

I n t h e p r e s e n c e o f t h e i r b e l o v e d M a , I b e c a m e invisible a n d c o u l d slip away t o t h e front o f t h e h o u s e , t o t h e w o r l d o f m e n . W h e t h e r they c a m e o n foot or in polished Ambassadors, t h e s t r e a m o f guests sat b e f o r e N a g j i like s u p p l i c a n t s . C h a r p o i s w o u l d b e b r o u g h t , trays o f w a t e r glasses, s o m e t i m e s tea. I c o u l d

not

f o l l o w t h e i r c o n v e r s a t i o n b u t t h e exercise o f p o w e r w a s u n m i s t a k ­ able. N a g j i w a s r i c h , h e w a s o n t h e l o c a l c o u n c i l , e v e n t h e s a r p a n c h w a s deferential. A n o l d R a b a r i a r r i v e d , a s k e l e t o n i n rags like all travelling p a s t o r ¬ alists i n this area. H e w a s so shy, h e h i d his s m i l e b e h i n d t h e r u g h e w o r e w h e n I asked if h e w e r e a m u k k i . N a g j i t o l d m e t h a t h e w a s t h e m u k k i o f a g r o u p o f p e o p l e f r o m S i r o h i area — g o a t a n d s h e e p h e r d e r s . N a g j i h a d c o n v i n c e d t h e village t h a t t h e s e p e o p l e s h o u l d b e a l l o w e d t o g r a z e t h e i r a n i m a l s for several m o n t h s o f t h e y e a r o n t h e c o m m u n a l l y h e l d l a n d s . It was q u i t e c o m m o n

for

villages t o lease o u t t h e s e areas t o pastoralists b u t usually at e x o r b i t ­ a n t rates. H a d it n o t b e e n for N a g j i , t h e y w o u l d h a v e h a d t o p a y a n y t h i n g u p t o t w e n t y t h o u s a n d r u p e e s t o stay h e r e . A s it w a s , t h e y p a i d o n l y a t h o u s a n d p e r y e a r t o t h e village, t h e n i n d i v i d u a l l y t o local f a r m e r s for g r a z i n g r i g h t s . U s u a l l y N a g j i gave this o l d m a n his grass for free b u t this y e a r t h e r e h a d b e e n v e r y little rain. 'It is a h a r d y e a r for e v e r y o n e . I c a n n o t g i v e away m y grass.' W h e n I asked if t h e s e p e o p l e g o t a n y d r o u g h t relief f r o m t h e g o v e r n m e n t , N a g j i said, 'I a m his relief a n d h e is m y relief. It is like t h a t . W e are t h e s a m e j a a t ( c o m m u n i t y ) . H e r e , G o d is k i n d . T h e r e is g o o d soil, g o o d rain. W h e r e h e c o m e s f r o m , if t h e r e is n o rain, t h e n t h e r e is n o f o o d . All day t h e r e is t r o u b l e for h i m f r o m t h e l a n d o w n e r s , all n i g h t f r o m t h e t h i e v e s . H e m u s t p a t r o l b y n i g h t a n d w a l k b y day. F o r h i m t h e r e is t o o m u c h t r o u b l e a n d t o o m u c h danger.' Nagji's

grandfather

h a d a r r i v e d i n this area w h e n

the

big

d r o u g h t d e c i m a t e d R a j a s t h a n . It w a s at t h e t i m e w h e n l a n d w a s b e i n g r e d i s t r i b u t e d a n d m a d e available t o t h e o r d i n a r y m a n . B u t m o s t R a b a r i s h a d n o t t a k e n a d v a n t a g e o f it, p a r t l y b e c a u s e t h e caste c o u n c i l s p e n a l i z e d m e m b e r s w h o gave u p t r a d i t i o n a l w a y s o f life. H e said, ' M y g r a n d f a t h e r w a s w i s e . H e saw i n t o t h e f u t u r e a n d sold his c a m e l s a n d s h e e p a n d b o u g h t this l a n d . W e are a v e r y 235

s t r o n g caste, a g y p s y caste. M y p e o p l e h a v e b e e n i n I n d i a so l o n g n o o n e can r e m e m b e r or measure the time. D i d y o u k n o w that gypsies c a m e f r o m Australia t o p o p u l a t e this c o u n t r y ? ' I said t h a t I did not know. A t a little p a u s e i n o u r c o n v e r s a t i o n , I c l e a r e d m y t h r o a t a n d said, ' N a g j i , y o u m e n t i o n e d t h a t a v e t w o u l d b e called. W h e n w i l l he come?' N a g j i l o o k e d at m e a l o n g t i m e f r o m b e n e a t h his b r o w s . ' T h e vet could n o t b e f o u n d today. H e will c o m e tomorrow.' In m y m i n d ' s e y e I s a w t h e dog's life flicker o u t i n t h e n i g h t a n d w a s o v e r c o m e b y s u c h a sense o f i m p o t e n c e t h a t it w a s i m p o s s i b l e t o k e e p it f r o m r e g i s t e r i n g o n m y face. I t u r n e d away, so N a g j i w o u l d n o t read w h a t was there. T h e n e x t day w a s lost t o m e . I w a t c h e d t h e d o g d y i n g . I f o u g h t w i t h C h u t r a over restitching the bora until Nagji intervened and told C h u t r a that I was right a n d h e was w r o n g . C h u t r a sulked. A n d still t h e v e t d i d n o t c o m e . I fretted o v e r t h e d o g a n d t r i e d t o h i d e m y s e n t i m e n t a l i t y f r o m t h e w o m e n . T h e y c o u l d n o t see w h y I should waste m o n e y o n a dog. H e was replaceable - any d o g w o u l d w a r n m e o f d a n g e r . B u t Z a l i w a s n o t any d o g , h e w a s my dog. A t n i g h t I d r o v e t o t o w n w i t h t h e s a r p a n c h t o ask N a r e n d r a t o please s e n d r e p l a c e m e n t s for C h u t r a . A d o z e n m e n w a t c h e d m y face as I s h o u t e d i n t o t h e p h o n e . Yes, c a m e his v o i c e b r i t t l e w i t h static, h e w o u l d s e n d K o j u i n t h e j e e p a n d t r y t o find m e a c o u p l e of other camel m e n . T h e following m o r n i n g the vet came and i n j e c t e d Z a l i t w i c e i n t h e n e c k . B u t t h e d o g c o u l d n o t s t a n d u p ; it was surely t o o late. N a g j i was a m a n u s e d t o i m p o s i n g his w i l l o n o t h e r s . O n e t r i c k h e h a d for g a i n i n g c o n t r o l w a s t o m a k e a s t a t e m e n t w h i c h d i d n o t m a k e sense u n t i l s o m e t h i n g w a s a d d e d t o it. H e w o u l d m a k e his p r o n o u n c e m e n t , t h e n w a i t , g l a r i n g at y o u for as l o n g as it t o o k for y o u t o d r o p y o u r eyes, c o n c e d e defeat a n d say, 'Yes, please g o o n . . .' T h a t n i g h t h e said, ' W h a t is it' — I w a i t e d , d r o p p e d m y eyes b e f o r e his, a n d said, ' H a n j i , b o l i e ' — ' y o u t h i n k a b o u t t h a t gives y o u so m u c h t e n s i o n ? Y o u t h i n k t o o m u c h . ' I l a u g h e d . ' W e l l , p a r t l y it's m y h a b i t a n d p a r t l y it's m y . . . w o r k . ' 226

T h e eyes p i e r c e d a n d I h a d n o c h o i c e b u t t o v e n t u r e f u r t h e r . ' B u t , also, I t h i n k a b o u t t h e p r o b l e m s I face a n d h o w b e s t t o deal w i t h t h e m . It is difficult for m e for t w o m a i n r e a s o n s . O n e is t h a t I c a n n o t really talk. S p e a k i n g i n a l a n g u a g e I d o n ' t k n o w , s t r u g g l i n g t o u n d e r s t a n d a n d t o express, takes g r e a t m e n t a l effort. T h e r e are o f t e n m i s u n d e r s t a n d i n g s w h i c h I h a v e t o let g o b e c a u s e I c a n n o t s p e a k p r o p e r l y . W h e n y o u can't express yourself, especially w h e n t h e r e are difficulties t h a t r e q u i r e q u i c k a c t i o n , a k i n d o f p r e s s u r e b u i l d s u p i n t h e m i n d a n d t h e r e is n o w a y t o release it. S o t h a t m a k e s m e w o r r y at n i g h t , for e x a m p l e , a n d l a c k o f sleep a d d s t o m y a p p e a r a n c e o f t e n s i o n . It is like b e i n g d e a f o r b l i n d , y e t h a v i n g t o r e a c t as if y o u w e r e n o t . ' S e c o n d l y ( h e r e I t o o k a risk), i n m y c o u n t r y p e o p l e s p e n d t i m e b y t h e m s e l v e s . W e are u s e d t o it. I, for e x a m p l e , s p e n d m o s t o f m y day a l o n e , s o m e t i m e s days, e v e n w e e k s , o n m y o w n . It is m y p r e f e r ­ e n c e . E v e n i n families m o s t o f us h a v e r o o m s t o g o w h e r e w e c a n b e p r i v a t e . H e r e , t h e o p p o s i t e is t r u e . Y o u are n e v e r a l o n e a n d this is y o u r p r e f e r e n c e . B u t for m e this is v e r y v e r y h a r d . A l s o it's w o r s e t h a n it m i g h t b e b e c a u s e p e o p l e c o n s t a n t l y g a t h e r a r o u n d m e , so t h e r e is n e v e r a n y p e a c e . T h e y d o n o t let m e sleep o r rest o r eat o r even go to the latrine w i t h o u t following and looking.' T h e s t r a n g e t h i n g a b o u t l e a r n i n g a l a n g u a g e is t h a t s o m e t i m e s o n e achieves w h a t a l m o s t a m o u n t s t o

fluency.

The homunculus

s e e m s t o r e m e m b e r w h e r e t o g o i n t h e stacks. B u t e v e n t h e n , a n d especially if t h e c o n v e r s a t i o n is at a m o r e i n t e n s e level t h a n usual, it is h e a v y w o r k , i n t e r r u p t e d b y t h e n e e d t o find a w a y o f e x p l a i n ­ i n g abstract c o n c e p t s u s i n g s i m p l e w o r d s or, if t h e w o r d s are n o t there, then using m i m e . W h e n I couldn't understand something N a g j i said, I w o u l d l o o k t o C h u t r a for assistance, w h i c h

was

strange given that Nagji spoke better H i n d i t h a n Chutra. B u t b y n o w Chutra and I had developed a kind of moronic language of o u r o w n . P o o r C h u t r a , b o t h N a g j i a n d I g o t cross w i t h h i m w h e n h e c o u l d n ' t translate b u t h e t e n d e d t o l a b o u r t h e o b v i o u s a n d gallop t h r o u g h t h e difficult. N e v e r t h e l e s s t h e c o n v e r s a t i o n p r o ­ c e e d e d , s o m e t i m e s at a b r o k e n t r o t , s o m e t i m e s at a c r a w l , s o m e ­ t i m e s c i r c l i n g b a c k o n itself t o r e t r i e v e a m e a n i n g , b u t p r o c e e d i n g . 'Yes,' N a g j i r u b b e d his c h i n t h o u g h t f u l l y , ' t h e p u b l i c h e r e is v e r y b a d . A n d y o u are a w o m a n , so it is w o r s e . T h e y t h i n k o f y o u

227

as a statue, a p e r f e c t w h i t e statue. B u t all w o m e n h e r e are t r e a t e d b a d l y . M y w i f e , for e x a m p l e , c a n n o t g o o u t o n h e r o w n , ever . . .' I expressed m y surprise. ' N o , never. If s h e w e n t o u t a l o n e , t h e w h o l e w o r l d w o u l d say w h a t , w h o , h o w , a n d t h e y w o u l d t e a r h e r j e w e l l e r y a n d b e a t her.' H e m i m e d b e i n g h i t across t h e face. T h e s u b t e x t o f t h e c o n v e r s a ­ tion m o v e d o n t o r a p e . C h u t r a said t w e n t y p e r c e n t o f m e n w e r e b a d m e n a n d t h a t M a d a m S a h i b was v e r y t r u s t i n g a n d i n n o c e n t . N a g j i said, ' N o n s e n s e , e i g h t y p e r c e n t are b a d a n d all are thieves.' T h e n h e t u r n e d t o m e a n d said, 'It is v e r y v e r y d a n g e r o u s for y o u . Y o u m u s t t r y t o u n d e r s t a n d . ' H e f u r r o w e d his f o r e h e a d a n d j u t t e d his h e a d f o r w a r d like a b u l l . 'I d o u n d e r s t a n d , N a g j i b h a i , a n d I a p p r e c i a t e y o u r c o n c e r n , b u t this is m y w o r k . W e all m u s t w o r k a n d s o m e t i m e s it is d a n g e r o u s . It is t r u e t h a t I m i g h t m e e t w i t h t r o u b l e b u t it is also t r u e t h a t I f i n d p e o p l e like y o u m o r e o f t e n t h a n I find b a d p e o p l e . E x c e p t t h e p o l i c e . T h e y are always bad.' N a g j i said, ' Y o u m u s t p u t t h a t i n y o u r s t o r y . E v e r y o n e is a n g r y t h a t t h e p o l i c e are c o r r u p t . A n d t h a t t h e p o o r m a n c a n find n o justice.' I said t h a t I c e r t a i n l y w o u l d b u t d o u b t e d t h a t it w o u l d m a k e a n y difference. A n d so t h e c o n v e r s a t i o n w e n t o n , e n d i n g , at last, i n t h e l a b y r i n ­ t h i n e p o l i t e n e s s e s c o n c e r n i n g h o w l o n g I was t o stay. I said I s h o u l d leave t h e f o l l o w i n g day. N a g j i said t e n days. E v e n t u a l l y , a n d r a t h e r m o r e q u i c k l y n o w t h a t w e h a d b e e n so frank w i t h e a c h o t h e r , a sensible s o l u t i o n w a s r e a c h e d . I w o u l d b e t a k e n t o t h e S i r o h i R a b a r i w h o w e r e c a m p e d b y Nagji's well. I c o u l d s p e n d as l o n g as I l i k e d t h e r e a n d , w h e n t h e d o g w a s w e l l e n o u g h , leave f r o m t h e r e for t h e forest areas o f t h e Aravallis, t h r o u g h w h i c h m a n y R a b a r i villages a n d d a n g s w e r e s c a t t e r e d . W e h a d b e e n t a l k i n g for o v e r a n h o u r a n d w e w e r e s t r a i n e d b y it. C h u t r a c h o s e this m o m e n t t o m a k e a l o n g s p e e c h . O n t o p o f t h e effort o f c o n v e r s i n g , t h e a c c u m u l a t i o n o f t h e day's w o r r i e s a n d m y o w n physical w e a k n e s s , h e p l a c e d t h e last straw. I g r a b b e d m y h e a d a n d collapsed o n the c h a r p o i w i t h a groan. A t w h i c h , Nagji let o u t a H o n s r o a r o f l a u g h t e r a n d said, ' S l e e p n o w . T o m o r r o w y o u will have peace.' 228

Before

sunrise the next m o r n i n g , I f o u n d

myself

perched

b e h i n d N a g j i o n a v e r y fine cart p u l l e d b y t w o e n o r m o u s o x e n w i t h blue h o r n s — a f o r m of transport originating in t h e steppes a p p r o x i m a t e l y five t h o u s a n d y e a r s a g o . I k n e w m y f r i e n d

was

s h o w i n g off as h e lifted t h e i r tails, m a k i n g t h e m g o faster, display­ i n g t h e i r f o r m , t h e i r s t r e n g t h — a d j u n c t s t o his o w n p o t e n c y a n d power. ' Y o u s h o u l d h a v e c h o s e n a b u l l o c k cart,' h e said. ' B u l l o c k s eat a n y t h i n g and can go a n y w h e r e , m u c h better t h a n camels, a n d y o u could have had s o m e comfort.' W e t h u n d e r e d along beside a river­ bed, shaded, cool. Zali had survived the night. T h e further w e m o v e d towards the R a b a r i camp, the

more

d e s o l a t e t h e t e r r a i n b e c a m e . A t h o u s a n d s h e e p a n d goats w e r e h e l d o n 2 5 0 acres. A f e w s h e p h e r d s w h o m y o u c o u l d m i s t a k e for s t o n e s h a d t h e y n o t b e e n t o p p e d b y t u r b a n s sat m o t i o n l e s s u n d e r t h e s u n . T h e trees, t o o - w h a t w e r e left o f t h e m — l o o k e d p o s t n u c l e a r , w i t h j u s t a t i n y tuft o f leaf left h e r e a n d t h e r e . ' T h i s area u s e d t o b e v e r y d a n g e r o u s , ' said N a g j i . ' T h i e v e s lived h e r e a n d w i l d a n i m a l s . B u t n o w t h a t I h a v e s u n k t h e well,' h e s m i l e d a n d t a p p e d his h e a d , ' t h e thieves h a v e h a d t o g o . T h e y are afraid o f m e . ' T h e c a m p itself w a s a c o l l e c t i o n o f grass h u t s l i n e d u p a l o n g a f e n c e b e n e a t h Nagji's w e l l . B e h i n d t h e m w e r e grass p e n s w h i c h w o u l d h o l d t h e a n i m a l s at n i g h t . A w o m a n c a r r i e d a h u g e b u n d l e of l o p p e d tree o n h e r head. This year there were approximately fifty p e o p l e f r o m several different villages, all related. N a g j i h a d h a d flowers p l a n t e d a r o u n d his w e l l - b u s y Lizzies a n d m a r i g o l d s . T h e R a b a r i t o o k off t h e i r s h o e s w h e n t h e y u s e d it as a sign o f r e s p e c t a n d g r a t i t u d e t o h i m . H e s h o w e d m e i n s i d e a h u t — a c u b b y - h o u s e m a d e o f sticks a n d c l u m p s o f r o l y - p o l y grass. T h e e a r t h floor h a d b e e n s w e p t so c l e a n it was a l m o s t p o l i s h e d . A t t a c h e d at t h e b a c k w a s a s t r a w r o o m w i t h a s t r a w floor, t h e size o f a d o u b l e b e d . T h i s w a s w h e r e t h e m o t h e r a n d f a t h e r slept. It w a s t h e h o u s e o f t h e first o f t h e t h r e e little pigs. Yet e v e n this p o v e r t y was t r a n s f o r m e d b y a v e n e r a t i o n for b e a u t y . E v e r y t h i n g w a s n e a t a n d p r e t t i l y m a d e . N a g j i t o l d m e t h a t t h e p e o p l e w e r e infested w i t h fleas a n d lice b u t t h e i m p r e s ­ s i o n t h e s e h u t s gave w a s o f cleanliness a n d o r d e r . A 229

gorgeous

w o m a n - s e x y snaggle t e e t h a n d l o n g - b o n e d gracility — g l i d e d o v e r t o us w i t h tea. T h e r e w e r e b o n e m a r r i a g e b a n g l e s r i g h t u p t o h e r a r m p i t s , e i g h t y a r d s o f c l o t h i n h e r skirt w h i c h w a s r e d , r e d , red. W h e n I r e t u r n e d the cup, she g r a b b e d m y h a n d a n d pulled m e d o w n beside her. She told m e that o n their way d o w n here, they stopped near the foot o f M o u n t A b u a n d each day carried u p t h e i r m i l k t h r o u g h t h e j u n g l e t o t h e t o u r i s t h o t e l s at t h e t o p . T e n m i l e s straight u p , at t h e m e r c y o f b e a r s , l e o p a r d s a n d tigers. S h e l a u g h e d a n d said t h a t , y e s , it w a s v e r y d a n g e r o u s b u t w h a t t o d o ? S h e m i m e d c a r r y i n g t h e d e g h r a s ( m i l k cans) o n h e r h e a d , s w a y i n g h e r hips. A s u s u a l t h e m e n w e r e , b y c o m p a r i s o n , as p l a i n as p l a n k s b u t t h e y t o o , w h e n t h e y o v e r c a m e a n a l m o s t autistic shyness, w e r e w i l l i n g t o talk. B e c a u s e o f d r o u g h t a n d l a c k o f feed, this year's w o o l w a s s h o r t a n d v e r y c o a r s e . It w o u l d n o t b r i n g i n m u c h m o n e y . A l r e a d y t h e p e o p l e a n d a n i m a l s w e r e t h i n . If t h e r e w e r e n o r a i n a g a i n n e x t year, m o s t o f t h e h e r d w o u l d d i e a n d s o m e o f the people. W h e n I h a d i n s p e c t e d t h e c a m p a n d asked m y q u e s t i o n s , it w a s t i m e for N a g j i t o i m p l e m e n t his I d e a . H e o r d e r e d t h r e e b l a c k g o a t - h a i r m a t s for m e t o sit o n a n d f o o d t o eat ( r a n c i d g o a t m i l k a n d d r y r o t i ) . H e h i m s e l f sat o n a n o t h e r m a t a p p r o x i m a t e l y

fifteen

yards away. W h e n I was settled, a s h e p h e r d b r o u g h t a h a n d f u l o f m a r i g o l d s w h i c h h e s t r e w e d a r o u n d m e , t h e n b a c k e d away. A w o m a n b r o u g h t i n c e n s e a n d p l a c e d it b e s i d e m e . A n o t h e r b r o u g h t water. I w a n t e d t o r u n o v e r t o t h e p a t r i a r c h a n d t h a n k h i m for his largeness o f spirit, his effort o f e m p a t h y . I n s t e a d I sat o n m y m a t , surrounded by marigolds, notebooks, goat droppings and incense, b y h u t s t h a t k e p t o u t n e i t h e r d u s t n o r w i n d n o r rats n o r e v e n s u n , b y s c r a w n y , t o t t e r i n g s h e e p , b y d o n k e y s , h e a d s h u n g l o w a n d ribs like w a s h b o a r d s , w h i l e fifteen y a r d s away N a g j i a c t e d as g u a r d a n d fifty p e o p l e , s m i l i n g , a n d w i t h silent r e s p e c t , w a t c h e d t h e w h i t e guest b e i n g alone.

19 C h u t r a h a d t w o topics of conversation — n o t h i n g and himself — a n d h e t a l k e d w i t h o u t cease a b o u t b o t h . It w a s possible t o t u n e o u t m u c h o f t h e p a n d e m o n i u m — t h e cars, b u s e s , r i c k s h a w s , r a d i o s , g h e t t o blasters, l o u d s p e a k e r s a n d t r u c k h o r n s p l a y i n g t u b a t u n e s — b u t C h u t r a ' s v o i c e d r i p p e d u p o n m y c o n s c i o u s n e s s like C h i n e s e w a t e r t o r t u r e . H e w o u l d clear his sinus passages w i t h a s o u n d like a n e a r b y a v a l a n c h e , spit t h e c o n t e n t s t o o n e side w i t h a

flourish

a n d , if t h e r e w e r e n o v i c t i m s o n t h e r o a d t o h a r a n g u e , w o u l d t u r n his a t t e n t i o n t o m e . ' M a d a m Saaaahib . . . it . . . iss . . . w h a a a t . . . t a a a i i m ? ' If I d i d n o t r e s p o n d , h e w o u l d w a l k b e s i d e m e t o s h o u t i n m y ear. 'It is whaaat taaaiim? It . . . is . . . t h i r t y . . . m i n i t s . . . o f . . . t h r e e . . . t e e n bajje t e e z m i n i t . ' T h i s h e w o u l d yell several t i m e s a n d p o i n t t o his o w n w a t c h . ' T e e n bajje t e e z m i n i t . T h a n k y o u , C h u t r a , ' I w o u l d w h i s p e r a n d p u l l m y lips b a c k f r o m m y t e e t h . R e l i e f f r o m C h u t r a w a s all I c o u l d t h i n k of, t h e o n l y n e e d o r desire I h a d . All m e n t a l processes w e r e f o c u s e d o n this o n e n e c e s s i t y - t h a t C h u t r a s h o u l d b e far, far, far away f r o m m e . It is a s t r a n g e a n d h a l l u c i n a t o r y t h i n g t o h a v e j u s t o n e t h o u g h t c i r c u l a t i n g i n y o u r h e a d for a c o u p l e o f days a n d n i g h t s . A f o r m o f m e d i t a t i o n , I s u p p o s e , at t h e e n d o f w h i c h y o u h a v e e i t h e r r e a c h e d n i r v a n a o r are c o m p l e t e l y m a d . T h e r e w a s n o sign o f t h e w h i t e j e e p o r t h e w h i t e s m i l e o f K o j u S i n g h . A n d w e were n o w h e r e near nirvana. C h u t r a refused t o c a m p w i t h o r e v e n n e a r t h e T a k u s , a caste w h i c h , h e said, w e r e n o t o r i o u s for t h e i r w i c k e d n e s s , b u t w h o m i n fact h e l o a t h e d b e c a u s e t h e y w e r e u n t o u c h a b l e s a n d h e w a s a d e t e s t a b l e little b i g o t . W e h a d t o w a l k m a n y e x t r a m i l e s a n d finally

f o u n d a p a t c h o f d u s t a n d p r i c k l e s o u t o f sight o f t h e r o a d o n w h i c h t o p i t c h t h e t e n t . C h u t r a w e n t t o t h e w e l l t o fetch w a t e r . T h e camels w e r e h o b b l e d o u t to graze in the p a d d o c k . W h e n t h e y a p p e a r e d t o b e w a n d e r i n g t o o far, I w e n t t o l e a d t h e m b a c k closer t o c a m p . First M o m a l a n d t h e n S u m a l , w i t h eyes r o l l i n g i n their heads, charged m e in their loose hobbles, k n o c k e d m e d o w n with their necks and began to dance o n m y body. I crawled to the p r o t e c t i o n o f a s p i n d l y t r e e a n d p r o c e e d e d t o play h i d e a n d s e e k w i t h these two, t h o u s a n d - p o u n d psychopaths until, u n h i n g e d by fury, a n d u n c e r t a i n w h e t h e r a n y b o n e s w e r e b r o k e n b e c a u s e t h e a d r e n a l i n h a d n u m b e d p a i n , b u t i n a n y case n o t c a r i n g w h e t h e r I lived o r d i e d , I r a c e d t o c a m p , t o o k a h o b b l e c h a i n a n d a l o n g stick, r a n b a c k t o t h e c a m e l s a n d , f e i n t i n g t o r i g h t a n d t o left, u s e d t h e stick t o g r a b Sumal's n o s e l i n e f r o m a r o u n d h e r n e c k — t h o u g h i n fact M o m a l w a s t h e real c u l p r i t b u t S u m a l w a s s t u p i d e n o u g h a n d close e n o u g h t o b e c a u g h t — a n d w h e n I g o t h o l d at last o f t h a t n o s e l i n e a n d y a n k e d at it so t h a t S u m a l c a m e d o w n o n h e r k n e e s w i t h a b e l l o w , a n d w h e n I b e g a n b a s h i n g at t h e b e a s t w i t h the chain, and bellowing louder than the camel, and cursing in w o r d s t h a t n o m e m s a h i b s h o u l d k n o w , a n d w h e n a v o i c e said, ' M a d a m , M a d a m ! ' and a h a n d tried to take the hobble chain from m e . . . T h e n . . . I c o u l d n o t s t o p a n d w a s i n fact b a r e l y a w a r e o f Takat's h a n d l e b a r m o u s t a c h e , b l u e safari suit a n d h o r r i f i e d e x p r e s ­ s i o n b e c a u s e t h e o r g y o f r a g e was d e l i c i o u s a n d n e c e s s a r y , a n d t h e r e w a s m u r d e r i n m y h e a r t a n d b l o o d o n m y k u r t a , a n d at last I u n d e r s t o o d , f r o m t h e i n s i d e as it w e r e , t h e e r u p t i o n s o f v i o l e n c e i n India, a m o n g these most evolved, long-suffering and tolerant o f peoples, because a h u m a n b e i n g can't keep u p the g o o d m a n n e r s a n d t h e f o r b e a r a n c e forever, a n d w h e n t h o s e give w a y , m a d n e s s comes p o u r i n g out the hatches. Takat Singh ushered m e b a c k to camp. I was trembling a n d m y m o u t h was v e r y d r y . B r u i s e s t h e s h a p e o f c a m e l s ' feet w e r e f o r m ­ i n g u n d e r n e a t h m y c l o t h e s . I said, ' T h e y t r i e d t o kill m e . . .' ' C e r t a i n l y , certainly,' said T a k a t b u t as h e d i d n o t u n d e r s t a n d English h e was probably just b e i n g polite. ' T h e y w e r e t r y i n g t o kill m e . . .' I said t o K o j u , w h o s m i l e d h u g e l y b u t p e r h a p s a little a n x i o u s l y a n d m a d e tea. T h e r e were four other m e n present. T w o were very thin and 232

dressed i n rags. T h e y d r o p p e d t h e i r faces shyly a n d h i d smiles behind cloth or hands. Their names were R u p a

and

Dullah

a n d t h e y w e r e , p r e s u m a b l y , t h e r e p l a c e m e n t s . T h e r e was a m a n called L a k s h m a n S i n g h , w h o w a s a forest officer f r o m s o m e w h e r e a h e a d i n t h e Aravallis, a n d t h e r e w a s J a s w a n t S i n g h N a t h a r w a t , c o n t r o l l e r o f U d a i p u r R a n g e forests, a R a j p u t i n m a t t e r s o f style a n d h o n o u r , b u t it w o u l d n ' t h a v e m a t t e r e d t o m e w h a t h e w a s o r w h e r e h e c a m e f r o m b e c a u s e h e s p o k e E n g l i s h a n d h e a r i n g it w a s like b e i n g raised f r o m t h e d e a d . ' T h e y w e r e t r y i n g t o kill m e , ' I said. 'Please, R o b y n j i , sit a n d t a k e tea.' Reality had taken o n

that snap-shot f o r m

associated

with

s h o c k . S u d d e n l y C h u t r a was t h e r e , s t a n d i n g as if b e f o r e a j u r y . I h a d e n o u g h p r e s e n c e o f m i n d left t o feel s o r r y for h i m a n d w a s r e a d y t o i n t e r c e d e o n his behalf. B u t s o m e t h i n g v e r y p e c u l i a r was happening. T h e y weren't preparing to lynch him, they were pre­ t e n d i n g t h a t t h e y b e l i e v e d his lies. I k n e w e n o u g h M a r w a r i t o k n o w h e w a s saying t h a t h e h a d t r a i n e d t h e c a m e l s t o a t t a c k strangers a n d t h a t as I w a s w e a r i n g w h i t e (I h a d b e e n w e a r i n g e x a c t l y t h e s a m e w h i t e k u r t a for t h e last six days), t h e camels m u s t h a v e t h o u g h t I w a s a thief. E v e n if it h a d n o t b e e n s u c h t r a n s ­ p a r e n t m e n d a c i t y , t h e i d e a o f t r a i n i n g c a m e l s t o kill p e o p l e w a s n o t m y idea of g o o d camelmanship. B u t instead of admonishing h i m , t h e y w e r e h a n d l i n g his e g o as if it w e r e t h e m o s t d e l i c a t e o f flowers. T h e y w e r e p u t t i n g it i n w a t e r a n d a d m i r i n g it. F o r a s e c o n d , t h e i r g e n e r o s i t y t o w a r d s h i m m a d e m e feel a s h a m e d . B u t o n l y for a s e c o n d . T h e y d i d n ' t h a v e t o live w i t h h i m , t h e y h a d n ' t j u s t felt t h e c l o a k o f t h e g r i m r e a p e r b r u s h t h e m a n d . . . t h e y w e r e m e n . W h e n C h u t r a h a d g o n e off w i t h R u p a a n d D u l l a h , I said t o this circle o f m o u s t a c h i o e d faces, w i t h a c e r t a i n a m o u n t of incredulousness in m y voice, ' B u t they w e r e trying to

kill

m e . . .' W h e n this w a s translated, T a k a t said, 'It w o u l d b e b e s t if y o u stay away f r o m t h e camels.' Stay away f r o m m y o w n c a m e l s ! I h a d f e w e n o u g h

fields

of expertise. O n e was handling dromedaries. N o t h i n g I w o u l d b o a s t a b o u t at i n t e l l e c t u a l H i g h Tables p e r h a p s b u t a n

extra­

c u r r i c u l a r activity i n w h i c h I h a d p r i v a t e l y i m a g i n e d m y s e l f m o r e 233

t h a n p r o f i c i e n t . I u n d e r s t o o d a n d a p p r e c i a t e d t h a t Takat's c o n c e r n arose o u t o f c h i v a l r y b u t I s u d d e n l y h a d t h e strangest s e n s a t i o n t h a t I w a s t h e o n l y f e m a l e left o n e a r t h . It h a d b e e n c r e e p i n g u p

on

m e d u r i n g t h e last c o u p l e o f days. E v e r y w h e r e t h e r e w e r e m e n i n j e e p s , i n r i c k s h a w s , o n b i c y c l e s , o n s c o o t e r s , i n s h o p s , sitting d r i n k ­ i n g tea, s m o k i n g o n d o o r s t e p s , w a v i n g t h i n b r o w n a r m s o u t o f t r u c k w i n d o w s . Yesterday at a r o a d s i d e dabar, t h e m e n at t h e i r tables l o o k e d m e u p a n d d o w n . O n e said, ' W h e r e is y o u r S a h i b ? ' with

a s n e e r a n d his c o m p a n i o n s l a u g h e d . C h u t r a h a d

mut­

t e r e d s o m e t h i n g a b o u t h a l f - m i n d s . W e w e r e g e t t i n g close t o t h e Rajasthan border. ' F o r g e t t h e s e small troubles,' said J a s w a n t w i s e l y . ' Y o u h a v e t h r e e m e n to help y o u now. Concentrate o n y o u r R a b a r i

research.

That's what's important.' H e w a s r i g h t . I c o u l d see t h a t . H e r e , c a m e l s w e r e s i m p l y a m e a n s o f t r a n s p o r t ; I e m p l o y e d m e n t o l o o k after t h e m as I m i g h t e m p l o y m e c h a n i c s . B e s i d e s , w h a t d i d a n y t h i n g m a t t e r , as l o n g as m y p r a y e r h a d b e e n a n s w e r e d , N a r e n d r a h a d n o t let m e d o w n , t h e t o r t u r e w a s g o i n g t o stop, f r o m n o w o n I w o u l d b e free o f . . . '. . . Three m e n ? O h , n o . Please, J a s w a n t j i , y o u d o n ' t u n d e r s t a n d . I b e g y o u , t a k e h i m b a c k w i t h y o u . Please. Please! B u t it w a s e x p l a i n e d t o m e t h a t if C h u t r a left, R u p a a n d D u l l a h w o u l d n o t stay. It w a s e x p l a i n e d t o m e t h a t C h u t r a w a s like t h e h a r m l e s s frog w h o , w h e n t h e s n a k e passes, puffs h i m s e l f u p so t h e s n a k e w i l l t h i n k h e is t o o b i g a n d d a n g e r o u s t o eat. ' N o w h e ' l l h a v e t w o p e o p l e u n d e r his c o m m a n d . H e ' l l b e a g e n e r a l , ' said T a k a t . ' Y o u ' l l j u s t h a v e t o g e t u s e d t o h i m t a l k i n g all t h e t i m e . It's a n o t h e r n o r t h — s o u t h difference. Y o u rest y o u r m i n d s w i t h silence; t h e s e p e o p l e w i t h talk. T h e y w i l l talk a b o u t e v e r y t h i n g a n d n o t h ­ i n g all d a y a n d n i g h t . W h o else c a n t h e y talk t o ? ' So, C h u t r a w a s staying. O n l y K o j u s e n s e d t h e e x t e n t o f t h e d e v a s t a t i o n this n e w s h a d w r o u g h t . T o save m y p r i d e , h e t o o k m e t o t h e j e e p t o h a n d m e a l e t t e r f r o m N a r e n d r a a n d a discreetly a d m i n i s t e r e d s l u g o f g i n . I t h a n k e d h i m , w e n t for a w a l k b y m y s e l f and sobbed. B u t h u m a n h o p e is a resilient beast. ' D o n o t c r a w l i n t o this

234

c a c t u s f e n c e t o h i d e forever', it said. ' T h e i m p o r t a n t t h i n g is t h a t t h e l o a d i n g w i l l n o w b e d o n e efficiently a n d q u i c k l y , so y o u w i l l b e able t o set o u t i n t h e c o o l o f t h e m o r n i n g s ' , it said. ' C h u t r a w i l l h a v e t w o o t h e r p e o p l e t o talk at a n d w i l l , e r g o , leave y o u i n p e a c e ' , it said. ' Y o u m u s t rise a b o v e C h u t r a a n d focus o n l a r g e r goals a n d i n so d o i n g t h e w a y a h e a d w i l l b e c o m e clear, t h e c h a o s w i l l o r d e r i t s e l f , it said. T h u s fortified, I w e n t b a c k t o c a m p a n d f o u n d m y s e l f spilling o u t tales o f t h e j o u r n e y so far. O h , g l o r i o u s f l u e n c y b e t w e e n b r a i n and voice. O h , happy h o m u n c u l u s . T h e words w e r e delicious in m y m o u t h , like f o o d t o t h e s t a r v i n g . ' W h i c h h a n d ? ' said T a k a t . ' M y left,'I said. 'Are y o u sure?' I w a s sure. ' A h , ' h e said a n d n o d d e d t o himself. 'Yes?' I said, w h e n it s e e m e d h e w o u l d c o n t i n u e s t a r i n g at his sandal forever. H e assured m e t h a t t h e b a d l u c k c a u s e d b y t h e s n a k e c h o o s i n g t o sleep i n m y left h a n d h a d v e r y likely r u n its c o u r s e , b u t h e d i d n o t s e e m at all c o n v i n c e d himself. B u t t h a t w a s just superstitious nonsense and n o t h i n g I n e e d e d to w o r r y a b o u t because a n o t h e r plan was taking shape thanks to Jaswant ji and thanks to t h e superiority of the rational m o d e over the irrational, t h o u g h I w i s h e d t h e krait h a d c h o s e n m y right h a n d . Jaswant k n e w w h e r e the R a b a r i dangs were concentrated and s u g g e s t e d I p u s h o n t o w a r d s t h a t area a n d t a k e w h a t l u c k offered, as it w o u l d b e a l m o s t i m p o s s i b l e t o o r g a n i z e a d a n g t o travel w i t h ahead of time. I was m o s t interested n o w in the camel-breeding R a i k a b u t , as J a s w a n t said, t h e m i g r a t i o n r o u t e s d i d n o t exist a n y m o r e . T h e y h a d b r o k e n u p b e c a u s e s o m e villages w o u l d n o t let h e r d s m e n t h r o u g h . H o w e v e r , t h e r e w e r e v a r i o u s small d a n g s scat­ t e r e d t h r o u g h o u t t h e Aravallis w h o s e m u k k i s w a g e d a q u i e t a n d m u t u a l l y u n w i n n a b l e w a r w i t h foresters like J a s w a n t . ' L i k e w o l v e s , t h e y l o o k so h a r m l e s s a n d q u i e t a n d b l a n k i n t h e eyes, b u t t h e y are n o t like t h a t at all. T h e y s u r v i v e b y t h e i r w i t s , j u s t like w o l v e s , a n d w h e n t h e y fight, t h e y fight like t h e m t o o . O n e m a n , if p u s h e d , c a n usually fight off t e n . I've s e e n it h a p p e n . It's a h e l l o f a life. All day, e v e r y day, t h e y are h a r r i e d b y e v e r y o n e 235

t h e y m e e t . Y o u see, often t h e r e is n o f o o d left for t h e local h e r d s after t h e m i g r a n t s g o t h r o u g h . B u t t h e r e is n o l a n d set aside a n d n o g o v e r n m e n t p r o g r a m m e s to sort o u t the p r o b l e m . W h e n land w a s b e i n g d i s t r i b u t e d , t h e R a b a r i s h o u l d h a v e g o t s o m e for t h e m ­ selves. B u t t h e y d i d n ' t u n d e r s t a n d w h a t w a s g o i n g t o

happen.

N o w , o f c o u r s e , t h e y d o , b u t it's t o o late.' A l m o s t t h e w h o l e o f R a j a s t h a n has b e e n c l e a r e d o f forest. T h o s e p o r t i o n s r e m a i n i n g are i n c o n s t a n t t h r e a t o f d e v a s t a t i o n b y graziers, b y locals g a t h e r i n g f i r e w o o d , b y illegal l o g g i n g c o m p a n i e s giving kickbacks to bureaucrats and politicians, and, ultimately, by t h e p r e s s u r e o f p o p u l a t i o n . T h e d i l e m m a is this: t o p r o t e c t w h a t is left o f forest r e s o u r c e s , f r o m w h i c h r e g e n e r a t i o n m a y o c c u r , is usually at t h e e x p e n s e o f t h e p e o p l e i m m e d i a t e l y d e p e n d e n t u p o n t h e m . B u t w h e n t h e forest is cleared, t h e l a n d b e c o m e s u l t i m a t e l y n o n - p r o d u c t i v e a n d t h e social, e c o n o m i c a n d e c o l o g i c a l

cata­

strophe gathers further m o m e n t u m . W h e n J a s w a n t first c a m e t o this j o b , t h e forest u n d e r his j u r i s ­ d i c t i o n h a d b e e n felled a n d o v e r g r a z e d illegally for a l o n g t i m e b e c a u s e o f c o r r u p t i o n at all levels. A w a r e o f t h e difficulties t h e R a b a r i s faced, a n d w i s h i n g t o r e a c h s o m e fair a g r e e m e n t w i t h t h e m , h e h a d g o n e t o all t h e h e a d m e n , e x p l a i n i n g t h a t s o m e o f t h e forest f r o m n o w o n w o u l d b e c l o s e d t o t h e i r h e r d s so t h a t it c o u l d h a v e a c h a n c e t o r e g e n e r a t e , b u t t h a t t h e r e m a i n i n g forest w o u l d b e m a d e available t o t h e m for g r a z i n g . W h e n t h e r e s t e d s e c t i o n w a s r o b u s t e n o u g h , it w o u l d b e r e - o p e n e d a n d a n o t h e r s e c t i o n c l o s e d , a n d so o n . H e p r o m i s e d t o p l a n t grasses o n w a s t e l a n d . H e p r o m i s e d t o i n c l u d e t h e m i n all f u r t h e r p l a n n i n g . T h e m u k k i s s h o o k his h a n d a n d g u a r a n t e e d t h e i r s u p p o r t b u t t h e n set a b o u t g a t h e r i n g , f r o m t h e t h o u s a n d s i n t h e i r c o m m u n i t y , a l a k h o r so o f r u p e e s w i t h w h i c h t o b r i b e local p o l i t i c i a n s i n t o t r a n s f e r r i n g J a s w a n t s o m e ­ w h e r e else. N a r e n d r a h a d i n t e r c e d e d a n d J a s w a n t w a s r e i n s t a t e d . H e said, 'I d o n ' t b l a m e t h e R a b a r i s for w h a t t h e y d o ; t h e y h a v e t o s u r v i v e . B u t so d o e s t h e forest.' P r e v i o u s l y I h a d n o t f o u n d C h u t r a ' s c a u t i o n c r e d i b l e , m i x e d , as it was, w i t h b i g o t r y . B u t J a s w a n t , t o o , t a l k e d o f d a n g e r i n this area. D a c o i t s . Lawlessness. I b e g a n t o see h o w v u l n e r a b l e I w a s , a n d h o w visible, a n d it s o b e r e d m e . U n d e r l y i n g t h e i l l u s i o n o f o r d e r created by metal roads, pretty litde cottages o n t h e outskirts of 236

w o o d s , w a s a n o t h e r reality a l t o g e t h e r — a w h o l e n e w w a y o f u n d e r ­ standing the w o r d 'jungle'. Jaswant w o u l d prepare people ahead for m y arrival a n d f r o m n o w o n I w o u l d b e delivered, like a p a c k a g e , a l o n g a l i n e o f R a j p u t havellis ( m a n s i o n s ) o r forestry d e p a r t m e n t s a n c t u a r i e s , m o v i n g o u t o f o n e s p h e r e o f safety i n t o t h e n e x t . I w o u l d b e — h a d already b e e n , w i t h o u t realizing it — a traveller i n m e d i e v a l t i m e . A n d I u n d e r s t o o d t h a t f r o m C h u t r a ' s p o i n t o f v i e w if I w o u l d o n l y let m y s e l f b e G u i n e v e r e , h e c o u l d fulfil his f u n c t i o n as k n i g h t . It is c u r i o u s t o e n t e r a lawless place. T h a t is, t o e n t e r a n d t a k e o n t h e state o f m i n d n e c e s s a r y for s u r v i v i n g i n a lawless p l a c e . W e p r i v i l e g e d o n e s are n o t e v e n a w a r e t h a t w e c a r r y e x p e c t a t i o n s o f there being a law to w h i c h most people adhere most of the time. T h e r e m a y b e discontinuities t o t h e process of that law - a m u r d e r h e r e , a r o b b e r y t h e r e - b u t b y a n d large w e e x p e c t s u c h events t o b e a n o m a l i e s or, at w o r s t , b r e a k d o w n s o f a n e x i s t i n g s y s t e m . O f t h e norm. H e r e , lawlessness, p o v e r t y a n d d e s p e r a t i o n w e r e

the

n o r m . C u n n i n g a n d s u s p i c i o n o f m o t i v e s w e r e t h e qualities n e c e s ­ sary for survival. Yet e v e r y t h i n g a p p e a r e d b e n i g n . P e o p l e w e n t a b o u t t h e i r business. T h e s u n s h o n e . T h e r e w a s n o e e r i e m u s i c p l a y i n g . It w a s like w a l k i n g i n t h o s e s u m m e r y fields i n w h i c h battles h a d o c c u r r e d a n d w h i c h g i v e n o c l u e as t o h o w t h e y h a d b e e n t r a n s f o r m e d i n t o h e l l . ( D i d d y i n g m e n see flowers i n front o f t h e i r faces, b e e s b u z z i n g a m i d s t t h e b l o o d ? ) A n d n o w t h e s t r a n g e ­ ness o f a w o o d w h e r e trees b u r s t w i t h o r a n g e nothing

but

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where

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l e o p a r d s h i d a n d o n l y fools v e n t u r e d a l o n e . T h e n e x t m o r n i n g m y k n i g h t s t o o k m e t o B a d i r Sahib's havelli, first i n t h e l i n e o f R a j p u t s a f e - h o u s e s . As J a s w a n t said, ' T h e r e is still g r e a t r e s p e c t a n d fear h e r e for t h e R a j p u t s . W e p r o t e c t e d t h e p e o p l e , c u t h e a d s for t h e m , a n d if s o m e o n e is i n t r o u b l e a n d asks for h e l p , it is i n o u r i n s t i n c t t o give it.' M y h o s t w a s away b u t t h e g a t e k e e p e r w e l c o m e d us w i t h a r i n g i n g ' B a d i r Sahib's n a m e is s y m b o l o f safety' — his o n l y E n g l i s h w o r d s . One

entered through an elephant-sized, brass-studded

gate,

w h i c h w a s l o c k e d at n i g h t . O n t h e i n s i d e w e r e t w o small r o o m s for wayfarers a n d , i n t h e c o u r t y a r d , a t h i r d g u e s t r o o m t o w h i c h I was escorted. To the right was a s e c o n d gate leading to a walled 237

garden and the m a i n h o u s e w h i c h included the zinana.

The

w o m e n w o u l d see m e t o m o r r o w , w h e n I w a s rested. A s s o o n as I w a s settled, K o j u h a d t o t a k e J a s w a n t S i n g h j i b a c k to Udaipur. Jaswant leaned out of the window, waved and shouted, ' O l d M a r w a r i p r o v e r b . T r u s t e v e r y o n e as y o u r f r i e n d a n d g u e s t b u t keep tight h o l d of y o u r purse.' T h e y w e r e g o n e , leaving m e o n c e a g a i n d e a f a n d b l i n d , a n d w i s h i n g t o G o d t h a t it c o u l d b e Koju walking w i t h m e instead of C h u t r a . B u t Koju was, i m m u t a ­ bly, a d r i v e r a n d C h u t r a , i m m u t a b l y , a c a m e l m a n . H o w often a n d h o w generously I h a d b e e n a c c o m m o d a t e d , in every k i n d of h o u s e h o l d from palace to pauper's h u t , a n d every­ w h e r e I h a d e x p e r i e n c e d t h e s a m e largesse. B u t m y hosts w e r e s o m e t i m e s a n x i o u s as t o h o w t o l o o k after t h e f o r e i g n g u e s t a n d I was excruciatingly aware that I m i g h t b e a b u r d e n to t h e m . A n d t h e r i g o u r s o f p o l i t e n e s s , w h e n all I w a n t e d w a s t o c r a w l away i n t o s o m e t h i n g dark, w e r e often m o r e of a drain o n m y resources t h a n m e r e physical d i s c o m f o r t s . B u t n o w I h a d all t h a t I n e e d e d o r desired in India - a r o o m w i t h a d o o r that closed, s o m e t h i n g t o read and earplugs. B a n g b a n g b a n g . ' A r e y o u all r i g h t , M e m s a h i b ? ' 'Yes, t h a n k y o u , C h a u k i d a a r j i . I w i l l sleep n o w ' ' C a n I bring y o u anything, Memsahib?' ' N o thank you, Chaukidaar.' 'I w i l l b e r i g h t h e r e , M e m s a h i b . ' ' T h a n k y o u , C h a u k i d a a r , b u t t h e r e is n o n e e d . ' ' W h e r e d o y o u c o m e from, M e m s a h i b ? ' 'I c o m e f r o m Australia.' ' A h . T h a t is a v e r y l o n g way.' 'Yes, C h a u k i d a a r . Please d o n o t t r o u b l e y o u r s e l f o v e r m e . I t h i n k I w i l l sleep n o w ' ' V e r y w e l l , M e m s a h i b . I shall b e h e r e t o g u a r d y o u w h i l e y o u sleep.' ' T h a n k y o u , C h a u k i d a a r ji.' ( T h i r t y - s e c o n d pause.) ' M e m s a h i b , will y o u take tea?' ' N o t h a n k y o u , C h a u k i d a a r . I w i l l sleep now.' 'Water?' ' N o thank you.' 238

' W a t e r for b a t h i n g ? ' W o ! . . . T h a n k you.' B u t a b u c k e t o f h o t w a t e r w a s b r o u g h t b y a y o u n g girl w h o flashed smiles o f l u m i n o u s i n n o c e n c e , t r i e d t o press m y legs a n d s h o w e d a g r e a t d e a l o f i n t e r e s t i n t h e little k e e p s a k e s i n s i d e m y p u r s e a n d i n t h e t w o t o y pistols K o j u h a d b r o u g h t , w h i c h l o o k e d suitably d e a d l y u n d e r c o v e r o f d a r k n e s s a n d m a d e a m o s t i m p r e s ­ sive b a n g w h e n stuffed w i t h a c o r k . ' D o n ' t b e f r i g h t e n e d , ' I said t o h e r , ' t h e y are n o t real g u n s . ' I b a t h e d . I ate. I e v e n t u a l l y m a d e it clear t o t h e s e r v a n t girl a n d the chaukidaar that I did n o t n e e d t h e m to c o m e in and o u t to c h e c k o n m y welfare e v e r y fifteen m i n u t e s , t h a t I d i d n o t n e e d t h e s e r v a n t girl t o sleep o n t h e f l o o r b e s i d e m y c o t , t h a t I d i d n o t n e e d t h e c h a u k i d a a r t o s t a n d g u a r d a n d b a n g his stick o u t s i d e m y d o o r . I r e a d u n t i l m y eyelids t u r n e d t o lead. T h e n I p l a c e d m y p u r s e u n d e r m y pillow, b u t as it w a s r a t h e r l u m p y p u t it o n a small table t w o feet f r o m m y h e a d . T h e w o r l d d i s a p p e a r e d . I n t h e n i g h t I t h o u g h t I saw a n a n g e l b e n d i n g o v e r m e a n d i n t h e m o r n i n g m y p u r s e was e n t i r e l y e m p t y o f m o n e y . T h e r e w e r e m a n y reasons n o t t o tell C h u t r a , n o t least o f w h i c h w a s t h e fact t h a t t h e b e a u t i f u l y o u n g t h i e f w a s a n u n t o u c h a b l e . After breakfast I t o o k tea w i t h t h e w o m e n o f t h e z i n a n a a n d asked t h e m t o call t h e s e r v a n t girl. S h e sat at o u r feet i n p e r f e c t c o m p o ­ sure, h e a d h i g h , h e r eyes n e v e r m e e t i n g m y gaze. I c o u l d d e t e c t t e r r o r b e h i n d t h o s e eyes b u t n o o n e else w o u l d h a v e n o t i c e d a t h i n g . I p u n i s h e d h e r b y h o l d i n g h e r i n suspense. S u r r e p t i t i o u s l y I p o i n t e d t o m y p u r s e a n d raised m y e y e b r o w s at h e r . S h e c o n t r i v e d a l o o k o f b e w i l d e r m e n t , b o r d e r i n g o n w o u n d e d p r i d e . I n t h e face o f s u c h t a l e n t , n o t t o say c o u r a g e , h o w c o u l d I e x p o s e h e r ? T h e Aravalli R a n g e s are like t h e p e t r i f i e d b o d y o f a g i a n t halfb u r i e d i n t h e plains. I n t h e d i s t a n c e , t h e b l u e swell o f a h i p , a n d h e r e , s c a t t e r e d b o n e s o f s h i n a n d t o e s p r o t r u d i n g . Villages, s i m p l e a n d e a r t h - c o l o u r e d , s u r r o u n d e d b y walls, w e r e c l a m p e d o n t o t h e sides o f l o w hills. A n d as t h e c o u n t r y g o t w i l d e r , t h e p o p u l a t i o n g r e w t h i n n e r a n d loveliness i n c r e a s e d i n d i r e c t p r o p o r t i o n d a n g e r . G o n e t h e sense o f b e i n g s q u a s h e d i n t o n o t h i n g b y

to

flatness

a n d s a m e n e s s . B u t t h e p s y c h i c suffocation c o n t i n u e d . W h a t b e c k o n e d , o n e c o u l d n o t e n t e r . T h e r e w a s n o sense o f

a b a n d o n , n o possibility o f d a w d l i n g , n o p l e a s u r e t o b e g a i n e d b y i n v e s t i g a t i n g s o m e t h i n g n e w , b y i n d u l g i n g w h i m . T o C h u t r a , this l a n d s c a p e w a s n o t s c e n e r y . It w a s a n e n e m y , t h e e q u i v a l e n t , for h i m , o f a s l u m i n R i o d e J a n e i r o . O n c e again, I w a s s t r u c k b y t h e antithetical nature of Australian

and

Indian landscape. T h e r e ,

j u n g l e is b e n i g n , h a u n t e d p e r h a p s , a n d c e r t a i n l y p o w e r f u l b u t , as l o n g as y o u u n d e r s t a n d its signs, a g a r d e n i n w h i c h all m a y e n t e r as equals a n d b e s u r e o f s u s t e n a n c e . B u t h e r e w e r e fences n o t j u s t o f p r o p e r t y b u t o f t h e m i n d , fences o f fear b e t w e e n t h o s e w h o p o s ­ sessed a n d t h o s e w h o t h i e v e d . S u s p i c i o n rose like a m i a s m a

from

w h i c h it was i m p o s s i b l e e v e r t o t a k e a b r e a t h . I c o u l d n o t see a R a j p u t fort g r a c i n g a l i n e o f hill w i t h o u t t h i n k i n g o f t h e h u m a n rapaciousness that h a d m a d e such architecture necessary. Contrary to mathematical expectation, the presence of R u p a a n d D u l l a h did n o t decrease t h e loading t i m e by t w o thirds. T h e g e n e r a l h a d t o e x p l a i n t o his soldiers w h a t t o d o a n d , as t h e y w e r e s i m p l e t o t h e p o i n t o f i d i o c y , this t o o k a l o n g t i m e . C h u t r a w a s a boss n o w a n d n o t a w o r k e r . T h e r e f o r e t h e lifting o f so m u c h as a strap w a s u n t h i n k a b l y d e g r a d i n g . E v e n if R u p a w a s t w e n t y feet away a n d a r o p e n e e d e d t y i n g , t y i n g t h e r o p e w a s R u p a ' s j o b a n d C h u t r a w o u l d call h i m t o d o it. O f t e n I t i e d t h e r o p e m y s e l f i n t h e v a i n h o p e o f s h a m i n g C h u t r a b u t all I d i d w a s l o w e r m y s e l f i n m y e m p l o y e e s ' eyes. W e m i s s e d t h e c o o l early l i g h t a n d set off i n t h e h e a t o f t h e day. It n o w t o o k t h r e e m e n f o u r h o u r s t o c o o k c h a p a t i a n d dal a n d load three camels. T h e camels h a d d o n e s o m e d a m a g e to m y back. A k i n d of t o o t h a c h e shot d o w n m y spine and into m y right leg w h e n e v e r I t o o k a step. R i d i n g w a s i n t o l e r a b l e . Z a l i w a s ill again. T h e r e was a small t o w n a h e a d . I w o u l d leave t h e c h a p s o u t s i d e it a n d w a l k i n w i t h t h e d o g t o l o o k for a d a r k r o o m for m e a n d s o m e t h i n g m o r e s u s t a i n i n g t h a n r o t i for h i m . M y r o o m at t h e D r e a m l a n d H o t e l h a d p i n k , scrofulous walls, a c h a r p o i a n d b l a n k e t , a n d cigarette b u t t s o n t h e floor. T h e r e w a s a c o l o u r f u l display o f v a r i o u s spits i n o n e c o r n e r . I b o u g h t t h e d o g eggs a n d c h i c k e n b i r y a n i a n d I h a d h a l f a b u c k e t o f p l a i n h o t w a t e r , n o soap. T h e r e w a s o n l y o n e t h i n g w r o n g w i t h m y r o o m i n this D r e a m l a n d H o t e l . It c o n t a i n e d , i n a c o r n e r o f t h e encrusted

b a t h r o o m , a small

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b e a t e n - u p o l d b a g w e a r i n g m y clothes? N o w I k n e w w h a t J a s w a n t m e a n t w h e n , o n s e e i n g p h o t o s o f m e i n a m a g a z i n e , h e said, ' A h , yes. Well, y o u w e r e a lot y o u n g e r then.' I r e t u r n e d t o c a m p early t h e n e x t m o r n i n g t o find t h e m still d i t h e r i n g a r o u n d c o o k i n g this, a r g u i n g a b o u t t h a t . T h e n

came

b a t h t i m e b y t h e w e l l . ( N e v e r let it b e said t h a t R a i k a d o n ' t w a s h . E v e r y t i m e I l o o k e d a r o u n d at t h e s e t h r e e , suds w e r e

flying,

t h o u g h t h e y d i d n ' t m a n a g e t o l o o k a n y s p r u c e r . ) S u d d e n l y I gave u p t h e struggle. T h e r e was n o p o i n t in m y trying to change a n y ­ t h i n g . T h e r e w a s n o p o i n t i n t r y i n g t o c o n t r o l m y e n v i r o n m e n t at all. I m u s t a p p e a r t o e n j o y b e i n g w a i t e d o n a n d I m u s t a c c e p t t h e i r m e t h o d s , t h e i r m e a n i n g s , t h e i r t i m e . I lay b a c k o n m y

pack.

C h u t r a c a m e over to m e , smiling and holding o u t a l u k e w a r m n i m b u p a n i , t h e t e x t u r e o f b o i l e d starch. ' M a d a m S a h i b . I u n t r a i n e d . K o j u trained! T h e n , i n H i n d i , ' B u t is the nimbu pani O K ? ' 'Yes, C h u t r a j i . Y o u h a v e m a d e it v e r y w e l l , t h o u g h p e r h a p s a little t o o m u c h sugar.' I s n o o z e d a n d w a s w o k e n u p b y

Rupa

i n f o r m i n g m e it w a s t i m e t o m o v e o u t . B u t w h e r e was the general? I could hear singing from b e h i n d a r o c k . C h u t r a e m e r g e d m o m e n t s later, his t u r b a n c o c k e d at a n e v e n j a u n t i e r a n g l e t h a n usual, o n e h a n d p l a c e d o n his h i p , t h e o t h e r h o l d i n g a l o n g stick w i t h a n axe o n t o p a n d , s t r a p p e d across his m i n i a t u r e chest, i n t h e style o f a M e x i c a n b a n d i t , w e r e m y t o y pistols. S o m e t i m e s y o u j u s t c o u l d n ' t h e l p b u t l o v e t h e little g u y . B u t most of the time y o u could.

20 ' H o ha, R u p a , D u l l a h . H o ha.' ' H o ha, C h u t r a j i . W h a t is it?' ' T h e r o c k s . L o o k at t h o s e r o c k s . A r e n ' t t h e y big? J u s t like c i n e m a halls.' ' H o h a . T h o s e r o c k s are really b i g . W h a t d o y o u t h i n k , D u l l a h ? ' 'I w a s j u s t g o i n g t o say h o w b i g t h o s e r o c k s w e r e . ' ' N o r o c k s like t h a t in M a r w a r , are t h e r e , D u l l a h ? ' ' N o t b i g r o c k s like these.' ' T h e s e are really really big.' ' H a v e y o u e v e r s e e n r o c k s as b i g as t h e s e , R u p a ? ' ' N e v e r . I n M a r w a r t h e r e are n o b i g r o c k s s u c h as these.' ' M a d a m Sahib. R u p a a n d D u l l a h say t h e r e are n o r o c k s as b i g as these in Marwar.' W h e n , at last, t h e r o c k s h a d b e e n b l e d o f t h e last o u n c e o f n o t i c e t h e y c o u l d inspire, t h e r e w o u l d b e a t w e n t y - s e c o n d i n t e r v a l whereupon Chutra would demand to k n o w h o w R u p a or Dullah w e r e getting along, to w h i c h they w o u l d reply that, h o ha, they w e r e g e t t i n g a l o n g fine a n d h o w was he g e t t i n g a l o n g . . .' T h e s e w e r e n o t m e a n t t o b e c o n v e r s a t i o n s . T h e s e w e r e noises t o stave off t h e silence i n t o w h i c h m i s e r y m i g h t seep, noises t o t h r o w against t h e h a r d n e s s o f life. S o m e t i m e s t h e n o i s e w a s i n t h e f o r m o f songs w h i c h w o u l d h a v e b e e n infinitely preferable t o m e if C h u t r a h a d h a d a s w e e t v o i c e . Alas, h e w a s t h e o n l y R a i k a i n t h e w h o l e o f I n d i a w h o h a d a v o i c e like a s h e e p b e i n g q u a r t e r e d alive. B u t it w a s i m p o s s i b l e n o t t o b e t o u c h e d b y t h e w a y h e t r e a t e d his f o o t s o l d i e r s . F o r all t h e b r a g g i n g h e s u b j e c t e d t h e m t o o , h e also e n c o u r a g e d t h e m , j o k e d w i t h t h e m , elicited their opinions, forced t h e m t o address m e across shyness w i d e as o c e a n s . T o t h e m h e was 242

E i n s t e i n crossed w i t h G a r i b a l d i a n d t h e y w e r e guileless e n o u g h t o display t h e i r a d m i r a t i o n n a k e d . ' M a d a m S a h i b ? ' said C h u t r a ' s lips. I s m i l e d a n d n o d d e d b u t h e w o u l d n o t b e p u t off. I t o o k o u t t h e e a r p l u g s w h i c h I h a d t a k e n t o wearing permanently. I was t o n o t i c e , please, t h a t R a m R a h i m ' s tail h a d b e e n lifted a n d t i e d t o t h e saddle, so t h a t his balls w e r e p r o m i n e n t l y o n d i s ­ play. ( R a m R a h i m w a s l e d f o r w a r d a n d his e x p o s e d g l o b e s d u l y e x h i b i t e d for m y i n s p e c t i o n a n d a d m i r a t i o n . ) ' M a d a m Sahib, it is b e c a u s e h e is a y o u n g m a n . H e l o o k s at t h e o t h e r c a m e l s a n d says, " H o ha, I a m a m a n . " J u s t as d o g s do.' C h u t r a t h r u s t o u t his c h e s t a n d t w i r l e d o n e side o f his m o u s t a c h e . T h e c o u n t r y w e passed t h r o u g h w a s o n c e t h i c k forest. N o w , its d e g r a d a t i o n c o u l d b e felt, as if it w a s a n a n i m a l flayed a n d left t o suffer u n d e r t h e s u n . G r i t b l e w off t h e g r a n i t e o u t c r o p p i n g s a n d t h e fields b e n e a t h g r e w n o t h i n g b u t r o c k s a n d dust. N e v e r t h e l e s s w e w e r e g a i n i n g a l t i t u d e a n d , w i t h it, g o o d h u m o u r . M a m e r s a n c t u ­ a r y lay n o t far a h e a d w h e r e L a k s h m a n S i n g h , Assistant C o n s e r v a ­ t o r o f Forests, w o u l d b e w a i t i n g t o s h o w us a r o u n d a n d w h e r e w e c o u l d rest a n d find m e d i c i n e for Z a l i w h o s e e m e d s o m e t i m e s t o b e w e l l a n d , at o t h e r s , m e r e l y stoic. W e w e r e e n t e r i n g t h e land of t h e Bhils, tribal p e o p l e w h o h a d p o p u l a t e d t h e hills o f I n d i a b e f o r e t h e A r y a n i n v a s i o n . T h e y w e r e q u i t e different t o l o o k at - s h o r t , m u s c l y p e o p l e w i t h flatfish faces. B e i n g Adivassis (that is, o u t s i d e o r b e n e a t h caste), t h e y w e r e t h e l o w e s t o f t h e low, w h i c h a c c o u n t e d for t h e b o l d n e s s o f t h e w o m e n w h o strode along the road in groups, their heads and sometimes breasts u n c o v e r e d . T h e y d i d n o t cluster a r o u n d m e b u t

either

n o d d e d a n d passed o n , o r called o u t ' B u r r i b e n ' ( w h i t e sister) a n d laughed. I liked t h e m . C h u t r a m u s t h a v e realized this b e c a u s e h e t r i e d , as h e h a d m a n y t i m e s b e f o r e , t o disabuse m e o f m y i g n o r a n c e i n m a t t e r s o f class a n d d e g r e e , t h a t is, i n t h e n a t u r a l o r d e r o f t h e w o r l d o f m e n . T h e Adivassis' f u n c t i o n

w a s t o inspire l o a t h i n g a n d M a d a m

Sahib

s h o u l d u n d e r s t a n d t h a t this h a d always b e e n so. E v e n t u a l l y , u n a b l e t o c o n t a i n m y i r r i t a t i o n , I said, ' Y o u m e a n all Adivassis are b a d ? Adivassis are born b a d ? W h y d o y o u t h i n k s u c h a n u g l y t h i n g , C h u t r a ? It is n o n s e n s e . ' 243

' W h y are t h e y b a d ? B e c a u s e t h e y h a v e d a r k s k i n a n d

dirty

c l o t h e s a n d filthy h a b i t s . T h e y are u n e d u c a t e d a n d ' — h e r e h e p a u s e d t o p r e p a r e m e for t h e irrefutability o f t h e e v i d e n c e h e w a s a b o u t t o give — ' t h e y . . . eat . . .

buffalo!'

' R h u b a r b , rhubarb,' agreed R u p a and Dullah. C h u t r a h a d already p r o v e d h i m s e l f resistant t o r e a s o n i n s u c h m a t t e r s . T h e K u t c h i R a b a r i s , for e x a m p l e , b e i n g a slightly l o w e r s u b c a s t e o f his o w n caste, a r o u s e d his disapproval. W h y ? B e c a u s e they w e r e n o t clean, inside or out. In t h e m o r n i n g they did n o t w a s h a n d t h e y d i d n o t say t h e i r p r a y e r s . I h a d p o i n t e d o u t t h a t t h e y h a d h a d n o w a t e r . A n y w a y , m e m b e r s o f his o w n g r o u p , t h e R a i k a , w e r e h a r d l y p a r a g o n s o f cleanliness, often g o i n g years w i t h ­ o u t t a k i n g a w a s h . A h n o , h e h a d said. If t h e r e w e r e e v e n a t e a c u p o f w a t e r , a R a i k a w o u l d u s e it t o w a s h t h e face, a r m s a n d s t o m a c h i n o r d e r t o b e r e a d y for p u j a . A n d if t h e r e w e r e n o t a t e a c u p , a R a i k a w o u l d w a s h h i m s e l f w i t h s a n d so t h a t G o d w o u l d say, ' A h , h e r e is a g o o d m a n . ' ' I n a l m o s t all c o u n t r i e s b u t I n d i a , p e o p l e eat buffalo a n d c o w a n d it is n o t c o n s i d e r e d bad.' I t u r n e d t o l o o k at h i m . 'I h a v e e a t e n c o w . A s for colour,' I w e n t o n , i g n o r i n g t h e e x p r e s s i o n o n his face, 'does the soul or the heart have a colour?' T h i s e l i c i t e d a smile a n d a n a d m i s s i o n t h a t I s p o k e t h e t r u t h . B u t h e a d d r e s s e d m e as o n e w o u l d a p r e c o c i o u s

ten-year-old

w h i c h so a n n o y e d m e t h a t a little t h r i l l o f c r u e l t y w e n t t h r o u g h m e a n d I d e l i v e r e d m y coup de grâce. ' D i d y o u k n o w t h a t L o r d K r i s h n a w a s a n Adivassi? T h a t is w h y his skin is always b l u e , t o signify its darkness.' C h u t r a s t o p p e d i n his tracks, t h e n fell b a c k t o j o i n his h e l p e r s , a visibly s h a k e n m a n . I w a s left i n p e a c e u n t i l w e c a m e t o a n e n o r m o u s t r e e b y t h e side o f t h e r o a d , w h o s e t r u n k w a s as k n o b b l e d as a w i t c h ' s n o s e and beneath w h i c h were hundreds of terracotta horses of various sizes, s o m e b r o k e n

a n d b l a c k w i t h age, s o m e fresh f r o m

the

p o t t e r ' s w h e e l , all c r o w d e d t o g e t h e r i n r a n k s a n d facing i n w a r d s as if r e v e r i n g t h e p i e c e o f r o c k w h i c h c o u l d o n l y j u s t b e d i s c e r n e d as a w o m a n o n h o r s e b a c k , so r e s o l u t e l y h a d time's h a n d erased t h e work

of the

sculptor. E a c h

horse

was, o n

close

m i n u t e l y v a r i e d b u t all h a d t h e s a m e characteristics -

inspection, perfectly

r o u n d m o u t h s w i t h e x t r u d e d t o n g u e s , w o m e n ' s c u r v a c e o u s legs, 244

h e a v y a n d fat, a r o u n d h o l e w h e r e t h e tail s h o u l d b e , b u t m o s t d i s c o n c e r t i n g o f all a h o l e , like a b u l l e t w o u n d , at t h e b a c k o f t h e h e a d , as if t o l e t a spirit escape. E a c h e x p r e s s e d t h e e s s e n c e o r m a g i c o f h o r s e , h o r s e as it m i g h t b e d r e a m e d . C h u t r a i n f o r m e d m e t h a t it w a s a n Adivassi s h r i n e , p r o b a b l y t o t h e b l a c k g o d d e s s . T h e r e had never b e e n anything glamorous about poverty in the places I h a d lived. It d i m i n i s h e d its v i c t i m s , it w a s l u c i d l y u g l y . B u t h e r e d e s p e r a t i o n a n d s q u a l o r c o u l d m a s k itself w i t h t h e e x q u i s i t e , w h i c h perhaps explained w h y m a n y u r b a n Indians and foreign visitors r o m a n t i c i z e d r u r a l life a n d refused t o see its a t t e n d a n t m i s e r y . I n t h e cities a n d t o w n s n o w , a h i d e o u s v u l g a r i t y r e i g n e d . B u t o b j e c t s m a d e b y village p e o p l e for village use w e r e still e n e r ­ g i z e d b y t h e a n c i e n t I n d i a n artistic g e n i u s . I l o o k e d at t h e h o r s e s a n d w o n d e r e d h o w l o n g it w o u l d b e b e f o r e t h e y w o u l d b e s w e p t away a n d r e p l a c e d w i t h a M c D o n a l d ' s o r a television. A n d w h e t h e r t h e Indian genius was strong e n o u g h t o resist t h e h o m o g e n i z i n g a n d s t u p e f y i n g p r i n c i p l e w h i c h has c o m e t o d o m i n a t e t h e m o d e r n w o r l d , d r o w n i n g us i n i n a n i t y a n d stifling t h e desire t o travel o r investigate o r c r i t i c i z e b e c a u s e e v e r y ­ w h e r e w i l l b e t h e s a m e — a g l o b a l village o f t h e d e a d . I t o o k m y e a r p l u g s o u t so I c o u l d h e a r t h e songs o f little h o n e y - e a t i n g b l a c k b i r d s w i t h b l u e satin w a i s t c o a t s a n d l o n g d a i n t y pipes in their m o u t h s . W e w e r e entering M a m e r — over three h u n d r e d s q u a r e m i l e s o f forest — w h i c h was p r o c l a i m e d a s a n c t u ­ a r y i n 1 9 8 8 . T h e r e w e r e n o large cities n e a r b y a n d n o m a i n roads; local thieves w e r e small t i m e a n d stole t h e w o o d o n l y for t h e i r o w n use — m o s t l y for m a k i n g f a r m i m p l e m e n t s ; w h i c h e x p l a i n e d w h y t h e forest w a s still i n t a c t . B u t p r e s s u r e o n t h e p a r k w a s g r o w ­ ing from increasing n u m b e r s of animals and m e n , b o t h inside and o u t s i d e it. L a k s h m a n S i n g h h a d a r r a n g e d t o d r i v e m e t o A m b a s s a , a small village w h e r e s o m e c o w - h e r d i n g R a b a r i h a d s e t t l e d p e r m a n e n t l y . After t h a t I c o u l d stay i n a series o f forestry l o d g e s w h e r e I w o u l d b e u n d e r quasi-official p r o t e c t i o n u n t i l I h a d p a s s e d safely t h r o u g h t h e Aravalli R a n g e s . ' M a n y n o m a d s c a m e h e r e t h i r t y y e a r s ago, b u t still m o r e c o n ­ t i n u e t o c o m e a n d settle, w h i l e o t h e r s pass t h r o u g h h e r e

on

t h e i r w a y t o G u j a r a t a n d M a d h y a P r a d e s h w i t h t h e i r h e r d s . It is 245

i m p o s s i b l e t o k e e p a c o u n t o n t h e n u m b e r s a n d a n y w a y t h e r e is o n l y o n e r a n g e r p e r t h i r t y s q u a r e m i l e s a n d o n l y o n e car b e t w e e n t h e t w e l v e r a n g e r s e m p l o y e d h e r e . R e a l l y , t h e r e s h o u l d b e sixty g u a r d s b e c a u s e forest is o p e n p r o p e r t y ; it c a n ' t b e l o c k e d . W h e n t h e p a r k w a s established, t h e villagers w h o w e r e already h e r e w e r e a l ­ lowed grazing and use rights. B u t the m i g r a n t R a b a r i have f o r m e d villages t o o , so t h e y also h a v e g r a z i n g r i g h t s b e c a u s e t h o s e r i g h t s w e r e n e v e r clearly f o r m u l a t e d o n a n i n d i v i d u a l basis b u t o n a village basis.' P o w d e r y w h i t e d u s t s w i r l e d t h r o u g h t h e j e e p as w e s t o p p e d at A m b a s s a — t h i r t y little h o u s e s a n d a f e w s h a r e d fields. A s u s u a l I was treated courteously by the R a b a r i w h o pulled o u t a charpoi for m e a n d L a k s h m a n j i t o sit o n , w h i l e t h e y s q u a t t e d o n t h e g r o u n d a r o u n d us. H o w e v e r , t h e y m a d e it clear t h a t w h i l e I w a s q u i t e w e l c o m e t o r e m a i n a n d ask q u e s t i o n s , I w o u l d n o t b e w e l ­ c o m e t o stay t h e n i g h t . E v e n t h o u g h t h e y k n e w L a k s h m a n S i n g h w e l l , t h e y h a d d e v e l o p e d a siege m e n t a l i t y after so m a n y y e a r s o f b a d relations w i t h t h e Bhils. I m i g h t b e s o m e k i n d o f Trojan h o r s e s e n t b y t h e i r e n e m i e s t o m a k e it easier t o steal t h e i r c o w s w h i c h t h e y k e p t l o c k e d i n s i d e at n i g h t . I w a s w a r n e d n o t t o c a m p a n y ­ w h e r e b u t w i t h t h e foresters. ' V e r y d a n g e r ! ' said t h e o l d m u k k i w h o h a d p i c k e d u p a f e w w o r d s o f E n g l i s h o n his travels. T h e B h i l s w e r e natives o f this area. T h e y w e r e essentially h u n t ­ i n g p e o p l e ( t h o u g h n o w t h e y f a r m e d as well) a n d f r o m t h e i r p o i n t o f v i e w t h e s e n e w arrivals w e r e e a t i n g o u t t h e i r forest a n d t h r e a t e n ­ ing their subsistence. T h i s protracted w a r h a d m o r e to d o w i t h c o m p e t i t i o n for d w i n d l i n g r e s o u r c e s t h a n x e n o p h o b i a , t h o u g h t h e latter i n s p i r e d its l a n g u a g e . I asked t h e m u k k i w h e n h e d e c i d e d t o c h a n g e f r o m h e r d i n g goats t o h e r d i n g c o w s . A b o u t t h i r t y y e a r s b a c k , h e said, b e c a u s e d u r i n g t h e rainy season goats and sheep g o t foot rot. T h e p e o p l e w h o still h e r d e d g o a t s h a d t o k e e p t h e m i n t h e i r h o u s e s d u r i n g t h e w e t season o r w a l k t h e m b a c k t o S i r o h i , t h e ancestral village. A n d w h a t w e r e their o t h e r sources of i n c o m e ? Eyes

shifted

f r o m left t o r i g h t a n d p e o p l e shuffled a little i n t h e i r places. T h e o l d m u k k i b e g a n . H e h i m s e l f o w n e d fifteen c o w s a n d f r o m t h e m g o t f o u r litres o f m i l k i n t h e m o r n i n g a n d f o u r i n t h e e v e n i n g . 246

T h e m o r n i n g m i l k w o u l d b e sold at f o u r r u p e e s p e r litre a n d i n t h e e v e n i n g it w o u l d b e m a d e i n t o g h e e a n d c u r d . I n a d d i t i o n h e might make two to three hundred rupees per truckload of c o w shit, b u t t h a t o n l y t w i c e a y e a r o r so. H e m i g h t also sell a b u l l o c k e v e r y t w o t o t h r e e years — o r i n a n e m e r g e n c y e v e n sell a cow. H e m a d e e i g h t h u n d r e d r u p e e s p e r m o n t h for a family o f seven. T h i s was a n u n d e r e s t i m a t e o f c o u r s e . H e t h o u g h t w e m i g h t b e g o v e r n m e n t r e p r e s e n t a t i v e s a n d if h e d i m i n i s h e d his i n c o m e t o us, w e m i g h t p r o v i d e relief. E v e n so, h e w a s still a p o o r m a n . T h e s e p e o p l e o n l y r e t u r n e d t o S i r o h i for d e a t h s a n d m a r r i a g e s . T h e i r s o c i e t y w a s still v e r y t i g h t l y b o u n d b y t h e i r o w n p a n c h a i t s (councils) w h o s e r u l i n g all i n d i v i d u a l s m u s t o b e y o r risk b e i n g o u t c a s t . T w e l v e villages c a m e u n d e r o n e p a n c h a i t , a n d f r o m this village t h e r e w e r e t w o r e p r e s e n t a t i v e s . I asked w h y w o m e n d i d n o t sit i n t h e p a n c h a i t . A s u s u a l this q u e s t i o n raised lots o f l a u g h t e r and banter. ' W e ladies are n e v e r i n t h e p a n c h a i t b u t w e force t h e d e c i s i o n s from inside t h e houses before the m e n go to the meetings.' ' I n o u r caste, ladies are m u c h w i s e r . If y o u give m e m o n e y , I w o n ' t k n o w h o w t o c o u n t it b u t if y o u give it t o h e r , y o u w o n ' t f o o l her.' B u t this w a s said w i t h t y p i c a l R a b a r i d i s i n g e n u o u s n e s s . I c o u l d n ' t i m a g i n e a n y o n e o u t s m a r t i n g this o l d c o o t , especially i n s o m e t h i n g as i m p o r t a n t as f i n a n c e s . T h e c o n v e r s a t i o n p e t e r e d o u t ; it w a s t i m e t o g o . A

young

w o m a n w h o had b e e n butting into the conversation w i t h

the

m u k k i g o t u p t o leave. ' C o m e , talk s o m e m o r e , ' said L a k s h m a n S i n g h t o h e r , ' y o u are b r i g h t a n d intelligent.' T o w h i c h s h e r e t o r t e d , ' I f I w e r e so i n t e l l i ­ g e n t , I'd b e t h e o n e sitting o n t h e c h a r p o i . ' M a m e r forest g u e s t - h o u s e , set b e n e a t h t h e hills, c o n s i s t e d o f t w o s i m p l e r o o m s a n d a little v e r a n d a h . A t a respectful d i s t a n c e w e r e t h e h o u s e s o f Adivassis, s c a t t e r e d sparsely t h r o u g h w o o d s a n d fields. I s u g g e s t e d t o C h u t r a t h a t w e rest h e r e a f e w days a n d , divested of o u r luggage, ride into the b u s h o n o u r camels, l o o k i n g for R a b a r i h e r d s . C h u t r a d i d n o t like this i d e a b u t m a n a g e d t o i n d i c a t e t h a t if I was determined

to do such an incomprehensibly

stupid thing, t h e n w e should b o t h ride R a m R a h i m , leaving M o m a l a n d S u m a l b e h i n d t o eat. I insisted t h a t w e r i d e t h e fatties 247

a n d leave R a m R a h i m b e h i n d t o eat, h e b e i n g t h e t h i n n e s t o f t h e three. S o m e r a n g e r s w e r e staying n e a r t h e c o t t a g e a n d t h e o n l y t h i n g t h e y a n d C h u t r a s e e m e d t o talk a b o u t w a s h o w vile t h e Adivassis w e r e . I n t h e m o r n i n g I h a d g o n e for a w a l k b y m y s e l f a n d a n Adivassi m a n h a d s h o w e d m e

the path home. H e

resembled

M o r n a t a n d I l i k e d his p r e s e n c e v e r y m u c h . I i n v i t e d h i m i n for tea. B u t as w e a p p r o a c h e d t h e c o t t a g e , I felt h i m g r a b m y legs f r o m t h e b a c k . I s p u n a r o u n d t o find t h a t h e h a d p r o s t r a t e d h i m s e l f o n t h e g r o u n d a n d w a s clasping m y feet. I p u l l e d h i m u p . H e w a s a l m o s t i n tears. 'What's the matter?' H e was t o o f r i g h t e n e d t o c o m e closer t o t h e h o u s e w h e r e h e b e l i e v e d h e w o u l d b e p u n i s h e d for his t e m e r i t y . I h a d v i s i t e d t h e little local s c h o o l a n d t a l k e d w i t h a t e a c h e r there. I c o m m e n t e d o n h o w earnest and attentive the students had s e e m e d t o m e , p o o r a n d shoeless b u t all dressed u p a n d p r e s s e d a n d o i l e d . T h i s w a s at o d d s w i t h e v e r y t h i n g t h e r a n g e r s h a d said a b o u t Adivassi laziness, Adivassi s t u p i d i t y . T h e t e a c h e r t o l d m e t h e students w o r k e d hard a n d w a n t e d to succeed b u t t h e schools h a d n o e q u i p m e n t a n d h a r d l y a n y b o o k s . M o s t t e a c h e r s gave u p after six m o n t h s o f t h e s e c o n d i t i o n s a n d s i m p l y w a i t e d t o b e p o s t e d t o a b e t t e r area. S o m e t e a c h e r s t h o u g h t it b e n e a t h t h e m t o t e a c h A d i v a s ­ sis a n d t h o u g h t o f this p o s t i n g as a p u n i s h m e n t , s i m p l y t o b e e n d u r e d b e f o r e s o m e t h i n g b e t t e r w a s offered. O n the m o r n i n g of o u r ride C h u t r a was l o o k i n g smug. W h e n h e k n e w I w a s p e r f e c t l y p r i m e d , h e said, ' M a d a m Sahib? T h a t story y o u told m e a b o u t Lord Krishna. I have consulted the r a n g ­ ers. Alas, y o u w e r e m i s t a k e n . T h e b l u e c o l o u r o f K r i s h n a ' s skin is for o t h e r reasons.' A n d off w e w e n t i n a r u s h o f m o r n i n g air. It was as if t h e l a n d s c a p e h a d b e e n d i p p e d i n a p u r p l e r i n s e a n d h u n g o u t i n t h e s u n t o fade. T h e r e w e r e l a v e n d e r tints i n t h e acra p l a n t s , hills, castor stalks a n d u n d e r t h e c l o u d s ; t h e r o a d w a s a strip of purple disappearing into lavender w o o d s . At a clearing in the forest w e f o u n d a t e t h e r e d c a m e l a n d h e r calf. Later, t w o h e r d s m e n c a m e in w i t h a b o u t thirty camels. C h u t r a could read the brands. T h e camels b e l o n g e d t o t w o sub-castes — Bumalia a n d Aal. H e also said t h a t t h e s e days c a m e l s are o n l y really s o l d for f a r m w o r k — 248

carts a n d p l o u g h s . T h e y w e r e n o t u s e d for this p u r p o s e

thirty

y e a r s a g o . T h e c a m e l s w o u l d b e sold i n P u s h k a r . It w a s h a r d t o say w h i c h w e r e skinnier a n d m o r e gaunt, the m e n or the animals. T h e c a m e l s w e r e diseased a n d a l m o s t b a l d w i t h m a n g e , t h e m e n halfstarved, l i v i n g o n n o t h i n g b u t c a m e l m i l k , r o t i a n d tea w h i c h , o f c o u r s e , t h e y offered us as if w e w e r e k i n . I t o o k s o m e c a m e l m i l k i n a n acra leaf ( t h e m e n w e r e t o o p o o r t o h a v e a spare c u p ) . W e sat o n t h e g r o u n d o n a filthy p i e c e o f c l o t h b e s i d e a c l u m p o f t a t t e r e d b e l o n g i n g s . T h e m e n possessed o n l y t h e barest m i n i m u m n e c e s ­ sary for survival. U n t h wallahs d o n ' t take w o m e n o n t h e d a n g b e c a u s e there's n o w o r k for t h e m — n o b u t t e r m i l k t o m a k e , o r g h e e , n o l a m b s t o l o o k after, so it is b e t t e r t h a t t h e y stay safely at h o m e . B u t after travelling w i t h t h e K u t c h i R a b a r i w h o s e w o m e n c o u l d c r e a t e palaces a r o u n d t h e i r c o o k i n g fires, w h o s e j o b w a s also t o b r i n g j o y a n d lightness t o life o n t h e d a n g , this sad little c a m p was the equivalent of a bachelor's bedsit o n the B o w e r y . T h e s e m e n c a m e f r o m a village n e a r U d a i p u r a n d e v e r y f e w m o n t h s t h e y w o u l d c h a n g e places w i t h a n o t h e r t w o m e n

from

t h e i r h o m e village. T h e c a m e l s , h o w e v e r , r e m a i n e d o u t for e i g h t to nine m o n t h s . ' T h i s w a s m y g r a n d f a t h e r ' s a n d m y father's w o r k b u t t h e s e days it is a fool's w o r k . W h e n I g o h o m e I h a v e a j o b as a t r u c k driver. B u t t h e c a m e l s are m y t r u e w o r k a n d I d o n o t w a n t t o leave t h e m . B u t it is b e c o m i n g i m p o s s i b l e for us.' T h e y t o l d m e t h a t t o u s e t h e forest t h e y h a d t o p a y t w o r u p e e s p e r year p e r camel t o t h e g o v e r n m e n t . T h e y w o u l d receive r e ­ ceipts for t h e m o n e y b u t t h e n w o u l d h a v e t o p a y a n y t h i n g f r o m a h u n d r e d t o fifteen h u n d r e d r u p e e s i n b r i b e s t o local r a n g e r s . A n d t h e n t h e r e w e r e t h e diseases. Please, please, c o u l d w e g e t s o m e m e d i c i n e ? C o u l d w e s e n d t h a t m e d i c i n e t o his village? H i s c a m e l s w o u l d die w i t h o u t it. T h e r e w a s n o p o i n t a s k i n g w h y t h e y d i d n o t u s e t h e local v e t e r i n a r y clinics. I already k n e w w h a t t h e y w o u l d face, h a v i n g g o n e t o o n e t o b u y s o m e m e d i c i n e for Z a l i . T h e r e h a d b e e n n o m e d i c i n e w h a t s o e v e r i n s t o c k . T h e s e clinics w e r e r u n b y t h e g o v e r n m e n t t o s e r v e local p e o p l e . T h e o r e t i c a l l y d r u g s w e r e free b u t i n p r a c t i c e m o n e y w a s p a i d e i t h e r i n t o t h e vet's p o c k e t o r t o m i d d l e m e n w h o sold t h e d r u g s o n t h e b l a c k m a r k e t . O n e a n t h r a x i n j e c t i o n for e x a m p l e m i g h t cost 249

eighty

r u p e e s , far m o r e t h a n t h e s e m e n c o u l d afford t o p a y . E v e n if d r u g s could be found, they were seldom e n o u g h to cure a w h o l e herd, so t h a t t h e a n i m a l s w o u l d r e - i n f e c t e a c h o t h e r i m m e d i a t e l y . T h e R a i k a were clinging to wreckage and, w i t h o u t properly organized assistance, t h e y w o u l d g o u n d e r . After several days C h u t r a b e g g e d t h a t w e m o v e o n . T a k i n g t h e c a m e l s o u t t o g r a z e w a s t o o d a n g e r o u s for his m e n , h e said. T h e first e v e n i n g , w e c a m p e d w i t h a family b y t h e side o f t h e r o a d . T h e y o w n e d c a m e l s , c o w s a n d buffalo a n d t h e y lived for m a n y m o n t h s o f t h e y e a r b e s i d e a n Adivassi h o u s e . ' T h e r e , ' I said t o C h u t r a . ' T h e y seem to get o n well w i t h their neighbours.' To w h i c h h e r e p l i e d , ' T h e y h a v e n o c h o i c e . ' T h e w o m e n at first h a d s h o u t e d at us t o g o away. C h u t r a c o n v i n c e d t h e m t h a t w e w e r e n ' t b a n d i t s b u t e v e n so t h e a t m o s p h e r e w a s t e n s e . I asked h o w l o n g t h e y h a d b e e n c o m i n g h e r e . T h r e e y e a r s , t o this p a r t i c u l a r p l a c e b u t l o n g e r , m a n y y e a r s , t o this area. T h e y d i d n o t like it h e r e . ' W h y did y o u c o m e here? Because there was d r o u g h t w h e r e you were?' ' N o . It gets d r y s o m e t i m e s b u t it's b e c a u s e j a g a h j a g a h k h e t i ' (literally p l a c e p l a c e fields, o r e v e r y w h e r e f a r m s , o r n o w h e r e left t o g r a z e ) . T h e y u s e d a little r o o m o f t h e Adivassi h o u s e a n d a n o u t s i d e c a m p s u r r o u n d e d b y leaf fences. F o r this t h e y l e t t h e A d i v a s ­ sis h a v e t h e a n i m a l d r o p p i n g s for t h e i r fields. T h e m i l k t h e y sold i n t o w n . N o d o u b t o n e day t h e y w o u l d settle h e r e p e r m a n e n t l y . W h e r e else c o u l d t h e y g o ? T h e t w o y o u n g w o m e n b e t w e e n t h e m h a d n i n e c h i l d r e n , all n a k e d , filthy a n d sick. O n e w o m a n c a r r i e d h e r y o u n g e s t c h i l d . It w a s b r i g h t y e l l o w a n d s h r u n k e n , like a m u m m y . It w a s t w o y e a r s o l d a n d h a d n e v e r left h e r breast. S h e fed it n o w w i t h a d e s u l t o r y k i n d o f p a t i e n c e . It w o u l d d i e s o o n . O t h e r w o m e n c a m e o v e r ; o n e w a s v e r y p r e g n a n t . I said, ' W i l l y o u go to hospital?' T h e y l a u g h e d bitterly. She answered,

'Of

c o u r s e n o t . I'll b e h a v i n g it o u t i n t h e j u n g l e j u s t like a n a n i m a l . ' ' W h o will b e w i t h y o u ? ' ' H e r . ' S h e p o i n t e d t o a n o t h e r w o m a n , slightly o l d e r . T h e w o m e n ' s a r m s a n d legs w e r e c o v e r e d w i t h l u m p s a n d sores, a n d i n f e c t i o n s h a d f o r m e d w h e r e t h e silver b r a c e l e t s p r e s s e d i n t o 250

flesh. T h e n I n o t i c e d a m o s t i n c o n g r u o u s t h i n g . T h e y s h a v e d t h e i r legs. T h e m e n came over and the w o m e n shut up, covered their faces a n d w e n t b a c k t o t h e h o u s e . T h e m e n t a l k e d a b o u t t h e g o l d I m u s t o w n i n m y c o u n t r y , m y h o u s e , m y car, h o w m a n y l a k h s , h o w m a n y l a k h s , h o w m a n y l a k h s . T h e real w r e t c h e d n e s s o f p o v ­ e r t y w a s h e r e . D e s p e r a t i o n , despair, b o r e d o m , helplessness, r a g e . L a t e r t h a t day, K o j u s h o w e d u p . D r u n k e n Adivassis h a d s t o n e d his j e e p t h e p r e v i o u s n i g h t as h e c a m e t h r o u g h t h e hills l o o k i n g for us. T h e y h a d t h r o w n b o t t l e s at t h e w i n d s c r e e n a n d t r i e d t o s t o p h i m . I h o p p e d i n t h e j e e p w i t h h i m a n d w h e n w e passed s o m e Adivassi s c h o o l c h i l d r e n o n t h e r o a d , h e s w e r v e d t h e car at t h e m t o f r i g h t e n t h e m , a n d for t h e first t i m e s i n c e I'd k n o w n h i m his face b e c a m e u g l y . F r o m Kukawas t o Suaroopganj was t h e m o s t beautiful c o u n t r y I'd s e e n i n I n d i a b u t it w a s e x a c t l y h e r e t h a t w e m u s t n o t t a r r y ; it w a s t h e w o r s t area for d a c o i t y i n t h e w h o l e o f w e s t e r n R a j a s t h a n . It w a s t h e B h i l s , o r r a t h e r a c r i m i n a l e l e m e n t w i t h i n t h e B h i l s , w h o did the dacoity. C h u t r a and Koju m i m e d their technique. T w o w o u l d fall i n b e s i d e us, a f e w w o u l d e m e r g e f r o m t h e j u n g l e a n d g a t h e r b e h i n d us, w h i l e o t h e r s w o u l d b e w a i t i n g u p i n t h e hills w i t h t h e i r b o w s a n d a r r o w s . W e really w e r e i n d a n g e r . T h e s e m e n c u t t h r o a t s a n d v e n t i l a t e d p e o p l e w i t h a r r o w s as easily as skinning rabbits. A n d there was n o law t o stop t h e m . I h a v e t o confess t o a little t h r i l l o f e x c i t e m e n t as I p u l l e d o u t n e x t m o r n i n g . I h a d b e e n so p r o t e c t e d o n this v e n t u r e t h a t a n y sense o f risk h a d d i s a p p e a r e d l o n g ago. B u t safety d i d m a k e for d u l l days w i t h o u t e d g e s . K e e p i n g y o u r senses a t t u n e d t o d a n g e r m a k e s y o u feel less like a p a c k a g e a n d m o r e like a p o s t m a n . K o j u h a d h a d t h e p r e s e n c e o f m i n d t o b r i b e a local p o l i c e m a n i n t o a c c o m p a n y i n g u s . T h e p o l i c e m a n w a s suffering a h a n g o v e r — his flies w e r e u n d o n e a n d his shirt t o r n — b u t h e was w e a r i n g his u n i f o r m w h i c h w a s all w e r e q u i r e d o f h i m . K o j u s t r a p p e d o n o n e o f t h e pistols. O n h i m it l o o k e d k i n d o f l o w - s l u n g a n d s e x y w h i l e o n C h u t r a it l o o k e d w h a t it w a s — a t o y g u n o n a m i n i a t u r e m a n . W e h a d o n l y g o n e a m i l e w h e n t w o m e n fell i n b e s i d e u s . T h e y l o o k e d like villains. T h e y l o o k e d like caricatures o f villains. O n e h a d a scar across his face w h i c h t e r m i n a t e d i n a n e m p t y 251

eye-socket. B o t h of t h e m carried w h a t m i g h t have b e e n large k n i v e s u n d e r t h e i r shirts. C h u t r a c a m e u p b e s i d e m e , R u p a a n d D u l l a h c l u s t e r e d b e h i n d us. K o j u a n d t h e u n i f o r m r e v v e d t h e e n g i n e a n d d r o v e b e l l i g e r e n t l y i n front o f us. I c o u l d tell C h u t r a was t e r r i f i e d a n d I d i d n ' t feel t o o c o c k y myself. Several m i n u t e s passed b e f o r e o u r d a c o i t s t h o u g h t b e t t e r o f it a n d v a n i s h e d i n t o

the

w o o d s b y t h e side o f t h e r o a d . W e h e a r d s h o u t i n g . T h e y w e r e calling off t h e i r c o m r a d e s w h o w a i t e d i n a m b u s h f u r t h e r a h e a d . O h j o y , o h e l a t i o n . C h u t r a h a d e x p a n d e d t o t w i c e his size. Koju's g r i n t o o k o n ridiculous p r o p o r t i o n s . W e

congratulated

e a c h o t h e r o n o u r b r i l l i a n c e a n d b r a v e r y . B u t really it w a s t h e m e n ' s m o m e n t a n d I l e t t h e m h a v e it — w a r r i o r s all, a n d n o t so m u c h as a s c r a t c h o n t h e p a c k a g e . O n c e o u t o f t h e w o o d s K o j u d r o v e a h e a d t o set u p c a m p w h i l e w e s t o p p e d t o f e e d t h e c a m e l s a n d eat a c o l d r o t i . It was s u c h a p r e t t y p l a c e — g r a n i t e o u t c r o p p i n g s w i t h g o o d trees c l u t c h i n g at t h e base. T w o Adivassi s h e p h e r d s w e r e sitting o n a r o c k . O n e b e g a n t o play a flute a n d I was i n s t a n t l y t r a n s p o r t e d t o i m a g i n e d t i m e s — K r i s h n a w i t h t h e G o p i s , o r t h e M e d i t e r r a n e a n at t h e t i m e o f Christ. T h e sweetness and p u r i t y o f t h e music, t h e simplicity a n d h a r m o n y o f this t i n y w o r l d filled m e w i t h — w h a t ? H a p p i n e s s ? O n this trip? C o u l d it b e t h a t for j u s t a m o m e n t s o m e t h i n g b e a u t i ­ ful a n d t r u e p e n e t r a t e d t h e p e r v a d i n g c l o u d ? ' Y o u , w h a t caste are y o u ? ' T h e m u s i c s t o p p e d . 'Adivassi.' C h u t r a spat a n d d e m a n d e d t o b e g i v e n t h e flute. T h e shy y o u n g s h e p h e r d b r o u g h t it over, s h r i n k i n g w i t h t e r r o r o f m e a n d s u b m i s ­ sive t o C h u t r a ' s r u d e n e s s . M y c a m e l m a n m a d e a g r e a t s h o w o f w a s h i n g t h e r e e d , t h e n b e g a n t o play v e r y , v e r y b a d l y . m o m e n t w a s as i r r e d e e m a b l e as s h a t t e r e d glass.

The

21 P i p a l a village faced o u t f r o m its hill like a t h r e a t e n e d

animal

b a c k e d u p against a wall. A h i g h t h o r n b u s h f e n c e i n d i c a t e d a state o f siege. B u t o n c e i n s i d e t h e f e n c e , t h e r e w a s t h e smell o f c l e a n e a r t h a n d h e a l t h y a n i m a l s , a n d t h e r e w e r e p e o p l e w i t h attractive, i n t e l l i g e n t faces w h o w e l c o m e d us w i t h t h a t

open-heartedness

w h i c h o n e c a n a l m o s t b e g i n t o t a k e for g r a n t e d i n I n d i a . M a , a w i d o w of i n d e t e r m i n a t e age a n d fabulous beauty, s h o w e d us o u r r o o m — t h e o t h e r r o o m o f h e r t w o - r o o m h o u s e w h i c h w a s m a d e o f m u d a n d d u n g a n d f r o n t e d b y a small, w h i t e - w a s h e d v e r a n d a h c o n t a i n i n g a l i n e o f c h a r p o i s w h e r e e v e r y o n e slept at n i g h t , b a t h e d i n e a c h o t h e r ' s s n o r e s . Inside, t h e floor w a s b e i n g s w e p t b y a t o t i n skirts, w h o s e b e s o m was b i g g e r t h a n she w a s . O n s e e i n g m e , she a b a n d o n e d h e r b r o o m a n d c l i m b e d o n t o m y h i p w h e r e she w a s t o s p e n d m u c h o f t h e n e x t t w o w e e k s . T h e r e w a s a t i n y fireplace w i t h o u t a c h i m n e y , c o r n s t o r e d i n sacks, bales o f w o o l , a w o k full o f c l i p p e d g o a t hair, a clay w a t e r p i t c h e r a n d a charpoi covered w i t h o n e of the rugs these people m a d e

and

w h i c h I coveted - thick b r o w n camel w o o l w i t h black goat-hair stripes. A s t o n e s t u c k o u t o f t h e w a l l a n d o n it w a s a m e t a l w i c k l a m p w h i c h w o u l d t h r o w a g l i m m e r at n i g h t , as spectral as star­ l i g h t . T h e r o o f c o u l d n o t h a v e b e e n r a i n p r o o f as d o t s a n d l o z e n g e s o f l i g h t fell t h r o u g h it t o t h e floor. A girl i n r e d a n d silver b r o u g h t w o o d a n d s t a c k e d it i n t h e c o r n e r i n t h e s h a p e o f a C h r i s t m a s tree, e a c h stick p l a c e d j u s t so. F r o m t h e d o o r w a y o p e n i n g t o t h e v e r a n ­ d a h , a shaft o f s u n c u t i n t o t h e d a r k n e s s , i l l u m i n a t i n g a w a l l p a i n t ­ i n g of camel a n d rider. T h e camel was black, t h e rider, red, and o u t o f t h e camel's c o r n u c o p i a n b u m flowed a s t r e a m o f k h a d . B a r j u M a a n d h e r eldest s o n P a r a b u b h a i w e r e m y hosts. S h a n t i 253

ben, Ma's daughter, had b r o u g h t the w o o d . T h e enchanting crea­ t u r e o n m y h i p w a s M a ' s s e c o n d son's c h i l d . H e r h e a d w a s s h a v e d so s h e l o o k e d like a little p u n k w i t h h e r r o w s o f silver e a r r i n g s . S h e w a s less t h a n t h r e e y e a r s old, y e t she c o u l d s m o o t h e o u t h e r skirts, h o l d h e r h e a d o n o n e side, c o m p r e s s h e r lips a n d lift h e r g a z e at y o u w i t h t h e craft o f a c o u r t e s a n . H e r n a m e w a s B u b b l i a n d b e t w e e n us it w a s love at first sight. T h e camels w e r e tethered to the verandah, o u r

possessions

s t a c k e d inside. T h e n t h e r e w a s t i m e t o talk a n d d r i n k tea. B u b b l i c l i m b e d o n t o t h e c h a r p o i t o sit i n m y lap b u t f r o m t i m e t o t i m e m o v e d across t o h e r g r e a t - g r e a t - g r a n d f a t h e r t o c o m b his l o n g w h i t e b e a r d w h i c h w a s split i n t o halves. T h e first t o p i c o f c o n v e r s a t i o n w a s t h e B h i l t h i e v e s . H o w t h e y w o u l d a m b u s h t h e w o m e n a n d r i p off t h e i r j e w e l l e r y , h o l d u p t h e m e n w i t h b o w s a n d a r r o w s a n d steal t h e i r s h e e p . It w a s n o t safe for w o m e n to go out alone, they must walk in groups of ten. Each a c c o u n t e d a n i n c i d e n t t h a t h a p p e n e d ' f o u r days a g o ' , ' t w o days ago'. Ma's husband had b e e n a very i m p o r t a n t and respected m a n here. (There was a shrine to h i m outside w h e r e M a prayed m o r n ­ i n g a n d e v e n i n g . ) W h e n h e d i e d e v e r y o n e h a d g a t h e r e d at t h e front o f t h e h o u s e s , i n t h e c o u r t y a r d , for t h e m o u r n i n g c e r e m o n y . S o m e thieves c h o s e t h a t m o m e n t o f d i s t r a c t i o n t o c l i m b o v e r t h e b a c k f e n c e a n d steal e v e r y o n e ' s possessions. T h e disgust o n Koju's face at s u c h a h i t h e r t o u n i m a g i n e d d e p t h o f h u m a n t r e a c h e r y w a s o f s u c h i n t e n s i t y t h a t I t h o u g h t h e m i g h t d r i v e off r i g h t n o w t o skittle s o m e villains. A n d C h u t r a t o o k this o p p o r t u n i t y t o i n f o r m e v e r y o n e p r e s e n t , 'Ha

ha, M a d a m S a h i b , you said t h e Adivassis

w e r e a v e r y goood caste, a v e r y sweeeet caste.' I i g n o r e d h i m . ' B u t w h y is n o t h i n g d o n e officially t o s t o p t h e m ? ' T h e Bhils p a i d m o n e y for p r o t e c t i o n t o t h e local c o p s plus a p e r c e n t a g e o f t h e take, a c e r t a i n a m o u n t o f w h i c h p e r c o l a t e d all t h e w a y t o t h e t o p t o t h e S u p e r i n t e n d e n t o f P o l i c e i n S i r o h i . I said I w o u l d visit t h a t S P a n d d e m a n d t o k n o w w h y , after all t h e s e y e a r s o f e x p l o i t a ­ tion and robbery, w h e n everyone k n e w w h o and where the crimi­ nals w e r e , n o arrests h a d b e e n m a d e h e r e , n o t o n e . E v e r y o n e t h o u g h t this w a s a n e x c e l l e n t i d e a b u t like m a n y e x c e l l e n t ideas d u r i n g this j o u r n e y , t h e s t r e n g t h , m o r a l a n d physical, o n e n e e d e d t o b r i n g t h e m a b o u t gave o u t . I n e v e r d i d c o n f r o n t t h e S P 254

be¬

cause life w h i r l e d m e off i n a n o t h e r d i r e c t i o n a n d I n e e d e d all m y p r e s e n c e o f m i n d j u s t t o h o l d o n . K o j u said, 'All p o l i c e are r o t t e n i n I n d i a b u t t h e w o r s t are i n R a j a s t h a n . I n o t h e r states t h e y t a k e small b r i b e s only.' M a ' s h u s b a n d h a d o b v i o u s l y b e e n as e x c e p t i o n a l as s h e w a s . W h e r e life w a s so close t o d e a t h , so u n p r o t e c t e d f r o m it, o n e m i s t a k e s e n t y o u o v e r t h e e d g e . B u t w i t h cleverness y o u c o u l d b u i l d a small safe p l a c e for y o u r s e l f a n d y o u r family. T h e i r a n c e s ­ t o r s h a d m i g r a t e d f r o m t h e n o r t h several g e n e r a t i o n s ago. ( O n l y t h e R a o w o u l d b e able t o tell m e h o w m a n y . ) C o m p a r e d w i t h t h e R a b a r i u p the road, they were rich b u t their wealth showed in a s u b t l e c o n f i d e n c e a n d w e l l - b e i n g , t h e i r ease w i t h l a u g h t e r , r a t h e r t h a n i n a n y t h i n g c o n c r e t e . A s C h u t r a h a d r e m a r k e d w h e n w e first c a m e i n , ' T h i s is not p o o r m a n . H e lives like p o o r m a n , n o f a n c y c l o t h e s , b u t his m o n e y is m u c h . T h i s is i n t e l l i g e n t caste, especially t h e w o m e n . ' S o o n t h e i r h e r d s w o u l d b e h e a d i n g o u t t o I d a r area w h e r e I had recently been. Two or three w o m e n w o u l d go to d o the cooking. Perhaps I w o u l d go w i t h them? T h a t w a s t h e b e g i n n i n g o f a fantasy t h a t s u s t a i n e d m e for days. I w o u l d take only R a m R a h i m w i t h m e o n t h e d a n g a n d send C h u t r a , R u p a and Dullah h o m e w i t h the princesses. T h e n , w h e n it w a s t i m e t o leave t h e d a n g , I c o u l d h i r e a m a n a n d w i f e f r o m this village t o w a l k h o m e w i t h m e . I w o u l d slink i n t o m y r o o m , close t h e d o o r , lie o n t h e c h a r p o i a n d drift i n t o a w o r l d i n w h i c h there was n o C h u t r a and n o cameras. O f course, even then, I did n o t a l l o w m y s e l f t o g e t t o o a t t a c h e d t o this i d e a b e c a u s e b y n o w I k n e w t h a t a n y p l a n o f m i n e w a s d o o m e d t o failure b y t h e s i m p l e fact o f it b e i n g w h a t I w a n t e d t o d o . T h a t n i g h t at a b o u t t e n , like d e m o n s c o n j u r e d f r o m o u r c o n v e r s a ­ tion, t h e police arrived, d r u n k and d e m a n d i n g m o n e y . T h e y h a d seen the j e e p a n d w h o e v e r was wealthy e n o u g h to o w n a j e e p was wealthy e n o u g h to pay big bribes. W h e n they saw that the jeep's o w n e r w a s w h i t e a n d h a d o n e large, q u i e t R a j p u t a n d o n e small, shrill R a i k a t o p r o t e c t h e r -

b e c a u s e t h e y h a d b e e n h i r e d , as

C h u t r a p o i n t e d o u t several t i m e s , b y t h e R o y a l H o u s e o f J o d h p u r for t h a t p u r p o s e - a n d w h e n c e r t a i n h i g h - u p n a m e s w e r e d r o p p e d like r o c k s o n t h e i r h e a d s , t h e p o l i c e m e n ' s faces b e c a m e pasty. B u t they w e r e in t o o d e e p n o w to b a c k out, m u c h to Koju's and 255

C h u t r a ' s d e l i g h t , b e c a u s e t h e y c o u l d play w i t h t h e s e t w o m i c e as t h e y liked. T o save face, t h e p o l i c e d e m a n d e d passports a n d r e g i s t r a ­ t i o n d o c u m e n t s . It w a s o b v i o u s t h a t t h e y h a d n e v e r s e e n s u c h things before and did n o t quite k n o w w h i c h w a y to hold t h e m . T h e n e x t d e m a n d , therefore, was entirely predictable. D i d I have a C form? C h u t r a l a u g h e d o p e r a t i c a l l y . ' W h y , I d o believe,' h e said, w i p i n g his eyes, ' t h a t y o u c a n n o t r e a d E n g l i s h ! ' (As t h e y d i d n o t s p e a k E n g l i s h , this s e e m e d c r e d i b l e . T h e i r l i t e r a r y skills, e v e n i n H i n d i , w e r e p r o b a b l y o n a p a r w i t h Koju's.) ' B e c a u s e if y o u c o u l d , ' w e n t o n C h u t r a , ' y o u w o u l d see t h a t this p a s s p o r t is n o t o n l y valid for J o d h p u r b u t for t h e w h o l e o f I n d i a ! ' H e r e , C h u t r a p u s h e d t h e p a s s p o r t u n d e r t h e p o l i c e m a n ' s n o s e , j a b b i n g his finger at a l i n e o f printing. E v e n t u a l l y w e w e r e left t o s a v o u r o u r v i c t o r y . I asked all t h o s e gathered a r o u n d t o estimate h o w m u c h p e r year they m i g h t pay i n b r i b e s . It w a s d e p e n d e n t o n w h a t h a p p e n e d i n t h a t year, t h e y said, b u t e v e n i n a b o u n t i f u l y e a r it w o u l d b e at least t w o t h o u s a n d r u p e e s f r o m e a c h family t o p o l i c e a n d t o forest officers. C h u t r a said, ' F o r e s t officers say, " N o , y o u c a n ' t e n t e r h e r e . " T h e n y o u give t h e m m o n e y a n d t h e y say, " O h , O K . C e l l o , cello!'" (move along, m o v e along). E v e r y o n e began to c h i m e in, ' T h a t ' s it. " C e l l o , c e l l o ! " ' a n d t h e y w a v e d t h e i r a r m s as a traffic c o p m i g h t t o let t h r o u g h a s t r e a m o f traffic. C h u t r a w a s e n j o y i n g his a u d i e n c e . H e p o i n t e d t o m e a n d said i n a m i x t u r e o f H i n d i a n d E n g l i s h , ' M a d a m S a h i b n o t u n d e r s t a n d . P o l i c e b i g thief, g o v e r n m e n t s e r ­ v a n t thief. A l l p u b l i c i n I n d i a b i g t h i e f T h e n h e a d d e d i n H i n d i , ' I n I n d i a paisa is g o d . Paisa is m o t h e r a n d father.' T h e r e w a s a general m u r m u r o f a g r e e m e n t and everyone smiled the resigned, cynical, I n d i a n k i n d o f smile b u t I d i d n o t f o r g e t t h e R a b a r i s w h o h a d b r i b e d a n official t o g e t r i d o f J a s w a n t j i . It is m y s t e r i o u s t o m e w h y i n t i m a c i e s s h o u l d f o r m w i t h s o m e p e o p l e so easily a n d q u i c k l y , y e t w i t h o t h e r s , n o t at all. P e r h a p s it was simply t h e g o o d h u m o u r here or t h e high fence k e e p i n g o u t t h e w o r l d . W h a t e v e r t h e r e a s o n , a n d d e s p i t e t h e frustrations o f l a n g u a g e , b o n d s o f affection g r e w w i t h e v e r y o n e i n this family, especially t h e r e d o u b t a b l e M a . A s Z a l i w a s a g a i n ill a n d I h a d 256

d e v e l o p e d s o m e s o r t o f l u n g i n f e c t i o n , I d e c i d e d t o base m y s e l f h e r e for a w h i l e . M o u n t A b u w a s o n l y t w o h o u r s ' d r i v e away. I c o u l d z o o m u p t h e r e t o find a vet, r i n g D i l i p a n d g r u m b l e l o n g ­ distance to N a r e n d r a . T h e v e t , w h o h a d w o r k e d specifically o n t h e diseases p a s s e d f r o m c a m e l t o m a n , e x p l a i n e d t o m e w h a t t h e y w e r e : Q fever f r o m m y h o m e state i n Australia, T B , b r u c e l l o s i s , rabies, t a p e w o r m a n d t r y p a n o s o m i a s i s ( s l e e p i n g sickness). N o w , I h a d always d o n e a l o t o f kissing o f R a m R a h i m ' s lips a n d a l o t o f b l o w i n g i n t o his nostrils. H e h a d d o n e a l o t o f b l o w i n g i n t o m y nostrils a n d n u z ­ z l i n g o f m y n e c k , ears a n d n o s e . W e w e r e f o n d o f e a c h o t h e r . ' A n d h o w are t h e s e diseases passed, D o c t o r ? ' ' M o s t o f t h e m t h r o u g h t h e b r e a t h , ' h e said. S o t h e r e it w a s . I h a d T B , b r u c e l l o s i s a n d t a p e w o r m . W h a t a relief it w a s t o k n o w t h a t t h e r e w e r e v e r y g o o d reasons for f e e l i n g as m o r i b u n d as I d i d . H o w h a p p y a n d w e l l I felt, all o f a s u d d e n , because I wasn't a h y p o c h o n d r i a c and could c h e c k i n t o a hospital a n y o l d t i m e w h e r e I w o u l d r e c e i v e lots o f s y m p a t h y a n d a t t e n t i o n b e c a u s e e v e r y o n e w o u l d b e able t o i m a g i n e h o w m u c h I h a d b e e n suffering ( h o w d i d she k e e p g o i n g w i t h all t h o s e diseases?) a n d h o w bravely. Z a l i r e c e i v e d half a d o z e n i n j e c t i o n s a n d I r e c e i v e d two. B a c k i n P i p a l a s o m e family f r i c t i o n h a d d e v e l o p e d o v e r t h e sale o f s h e e p m a n u r e . (In o n e m o n t h P a r a b u w o u l d e a r n t w o t h o u s a n d r u p e e s f r o m t h e sale o f k h a d , so it was m a j o r i n c o m e . ) M a a n d h e r husband's brother's wife negotiated the price w i t h the

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but

w h i c h e n d e d i n smiles. T h e m o n e y w o u l d b e d i v i d e d a c c o r d i n g t o t h e n u m b e r o f s h e e p o w n e d . M a c o n t r o l l e d this

distribution,

w h i l e the role of the j u n i o r w o m e n was to c o o k , clean a n d accept her ascendancy w i t h o u t question. M a w a s u p s e t . S h e c a m e t o sit w i t h m e , t h r o w i n g glances o v e r h e r s h o u l d e r a n d a n n o u n c i n g l o u d l y . ' M y first d a u g h t e r - i n - l a w is g o o d a n d s i m p l e b u t m y y o u n g e r son's w i f e , h e r habits are v e r y bad. W h e n I divide u p the k h a d m o n e y , she wants m o r e

and

m o r e . ' I t h o u g h t I p e r c e i v e d a d e e p e r r e a s o n for t h e f r i c t i o n b e ­ t w e e n those t w o . Y o u n g e r d a u g h t e r - i n - l a w was a C a r m e n k i n d o f 257

c h a r a c t e r a n d n u m b e r t w o s o n p a n t e d after h e r like a p u p p y . T h e o l d e r son's w i f e w a s also b e a u t i f u l b u t P a r a b u w a s n o t b e s o t t e d b y h e r . H e was a m a n aware o f his responsibilities t o his family a n d his c o m m u n i t y . It w a s t o M a h e w e n t for a d v i c e , M a w h o w a s t h e first l o v e i n his life a n d w i t h w h o m h e s h a r e d his p o w e r . D e s p i t e h e r w i d o w ' s w e e d s M a w a s a sexually p o t e n t w o m a n a n d t h e r e w a s s o m e t h i n g u n s e t t l i n g a b o u t t h e w a y she m u t t e r e d so i n t i ­ m a t e l y w i t h h e r g r o w n - u p s o n . A s if t h e c o r d b e t w e e n t h e m h a d never b e e n broken. N u m b e r two son, o n the other hand, had b e t r a y e d his m o t h e r b y falling i n love w i t h his wife. B y t h e n e x t d a y t h e surface o f life h a d r e t u r n e d t o c a l m , as if the

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performance:

P a r a b u ' s h e a v i l y p r e g n a n t w i f e c a r r y i n g bales o f h a y o u t t o t h e l a m b s i n a p e n , s t a c k i n g grass i n a n e a r t h shelter, lifting p o t s o f w a t e r o n t o h e r h e a d — as u n e n c u m b e r e d b y h e r g r e a t b e l l y as a w h a l e i n t h e sea; t e n b o y s c o m i n g h o m e f r o m s c h o o l a n d i m m e d i ­ ately g o i n g o u t t o t h e h e r d s ; P a r a b u g e t t i n g feed for t h e a n i m a l s w i t h a f o r k e d stick a n d a r o p e ; little girls g r i n d i n g c o r n g a t h e r e d f r o m small fields at t h e b a c k ; t w o y o u n g w o m e n s e w i n g i n t h e s u n s h i n e ; B u b b l i t o t t e r i n g after h e r m o t h e r t o t h e w e l l , b a l a n c i n g a tiny p o t o n h e r head; M a walking ten miles into t o w n to b u y g o o d s , c a r r y i n g b u n d l e s h o m e as if t h e y c o n t a i n e d feathers n o t flour;

m e n spinning w o o l and smoking; w o m e n sweeping, stir­

r i n g c h a a c h ( b u t t e r m i l k ) , m e d i c a t i n g a n i m a l s , b o i l i n g tea, c l e a r i n g t h e c o u r t y a r d o f e v e r y last d r o p p i n g a n d c a r r y i n g h e a d l o a d s t o heap

outside

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clothes, grinding

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w h e a t , p l a s t e r i n g walls, r e s t a c k i n g fences, g r i n d i n g m o r e

and corn,

s w e e p i n g again, c o o k i n g again, a n d o n a n d o n like a slow, u n e n d ­ ing waltz. W h e n e v e r I h e l p e d t o m a k e t h e c h a a c h a n d g h e e , o r sat i n a c o r n e r o f t h e v e r a n d a h g r i n d i n g c o r n , I h a d t o strain against a c h i n g m u s c l e s a n d t i c k l i n g sweat, w h e r e a s t h e y c o u l d g o o n for h o u r s , k n o w i n g t h a t r h y t h m a n d g r a c e are t h e f o u n d a t i o n s

of

doing and that y o u must never think about w o r k i n g until the w o r k is d o n e . 258

E a c h a f t e r n o o n d u r i n g t h e h o u r o r t w o o f rest f r o m t h e day's effort, t h e w o m e n t o o k m e as far i n t o t h e i r c o n f i d e n c e as l a n ­ g u a g e a n d p r o p r i e t y w o u l d allow. O r t h e y w o u l d play w i t h m e , dressing m e u p i n t h e i r c l o t h e s , d e c k i n g m e w i t h t h e i r j e w e l s . I asked t h e m if b a n g l e s all t h e w a y t o t h e i r a r m p i t s w e r e a b o t h e r . ' A t first it takes a little g e t t i n g u s e d t o , b u t t h e b a n g l e s are useful w h e n y o u fight w i t h y o u r h u s b a n d . ' It w a s also e x p l a i n e d t h a t a w o m a n ' s plait, often i n c r e a s e d i n l e n g t h b y r i b b o n s , w a s like t h e l e a d t o a c a m e l . A h u s b a n d c o u l d c o n t r o l his w i f e b y m e a n s o f this l e a d a n d i n a fight c o u l d g r a b h o l d o f it a n d t h r o w h e r d o w n . ' B u t y o u c a n h i t h i m b a c k w i t h y o u r b a n g l e s like this,' said o n e , a n d s h e d e m o n s t r a t e d o n t h e w i l d l y g i g g l i n g girls a r o u n d h e r . W h e n I asked M a if it w a s a relief w h e n s h e b r o k e h e r s , I realized I h a d asked a c u l t u r a l l y u n i n t e r p r e t a b l e q u e s t i o n . I h a d m e a n t w a s it a physical relief, a freeing u p ? ' N o t at all. It w a s m y h u s b a n d ' s d e a t h a n d w h o w a s t o b e m y c o m p a n i o n a n d helper then? T h e responsibility c a m e to m e a n d I w a s full o f grief.' S h e shifted h e r g l a n c e t o t h e s e c o n d d a u g h t e r in-law. ' W h o w o u l d help m e handle t h e w a y w a r d m e m b e r s o f t h e family w h e n h e d i e d ? F o r d a u g h t e r s , t h e m o t h e r is i n d i s p e n s a b l e . T h e y w i l l always l o v e h e r . B u t for sons, t h e m o t h e r is o f t e n d o n e away w i t h w h e n t h e y m a r r y . W h a t c a n o n e d o t h e n , a n d w h o c a n give h e l p if t h e h u s b a n d is g o n e ? ' Parabu's father's b r o t h e r ' s w i f e c a m e t o say h e l l o . S u r p r i s i n g l y , she was very y o u n g . A n d very, very poor. This was o n e of t h e m a i n social p r o b l e m s h e r e - i m p o v e r i s h e d w i d o w s . M e n t e n d e d to die y o u n g , from accidents o r m u r d e r while o n migration o r o u t w i t h their sheep. B u t n o matter h o w destitute t h e w i d o w s were, t h e y w e r e n o t a l l o w e d t o w o r k o u t s i d e t h e village. T h i s y o u n g w i d o w h a d t h r e e sons — t w o b a b i e s a n d o n e w h o h a d passed n i n t h g r a d e . T h e o l d e r s o n n o w w o r k e d i n a s h o p for t w o h u n d r e d r u p e e s a m o n t h a n d w i t h t h a t s u p p o r t e d t h e family. S h e o w n e d n o s h e e p o r a n i m a l s . I asked if t h e rest o f t h e family w o u l d h e l p h e r financially if s h e w a s i n t r o u b l e . It s e e m e d n o t . A n d w o u l d s h e m a r r y again? ' N o . I h a v e t h r e e c h i l d r e n , so t h e r e is n o n e e d o f a n o t h e r h u s b a n d . If I h a d h a d n o c h i l d r e n , t h e n , p e r h a p s . . .' T h e r e w a s a l o t o f affection displayed h e r e , j u s t as t h e r e h a d b e e n w i t h the Kutchis. B u t unlike the Kutchis, these w o m e n were 259

m u c h m o r e sexually frank w i t h m e . M a w o u l d l o o k d o w n t h e front o f m y dress t o see if I w o r e a ' b l o u s e ' . T h e n s h e w o u l d p u l l o u t m y b r a strap t o display t o e v e r y o n e . S h e w o u l d tease h e r d a u g h t e r b y p i n c h i n g at h e r b u d d i n g breasts a n d t a l k i n g a b o u t h e r m a r r i a g e . T h e y w o u l d fall a b o u t l a u g h i n g , t h e girl e m b a r r a s s e d b u t r a t h e r p r o u d . S h e w o u l d h i t h e r m o t h e r a g r e a t affectionate w a l l o p . T h e r e w a s talk, t o o , o f t h e relief o f m e n o p a u s e , o f t h e c l i m a c t e r i c b e i n g t h e h a p p i e s t t i m e o f life, e v e n if y o u r h u s b a n d h a d d i e d a n d y o u h a d t o s h o u l d e r t h e family b u r d e n s o n y o u r own. D i l i p a r r i v e d i n t i m e t o p h o t o g r a p h a w e d d i n g at a n e i g h b o u r ­ i n g village. It w a s t o b e a b i g s h o w a n d I w a s t o l e n d o n e o f t h e b r i d e g r o o m s m y c a m e l . If e v e r t h e r e w e r e a little j o b for a c a m e l t o d o , like g o i n g o u t at t h e e n d o f t h e day t o c a r r y h o m e c u t feed, it w a s always R a m R a h i m w h o c o p p e d it. T h i s t i m e I p r o t e s t e d . ' C h u t r a , ' I said, ' t h a t disgracefully o b e s e M o m a l has d o n e n o t h ­ i n g b u t eat for days a n d p o o r little R a m R a h i m is as s k i n n y as a b o n e . I insist t h a t y o u use M o m a l for t h e w e d d i n g . ' ( R e m e m b e r , please t h a t w h a t i n fact I said w a s s o m e t h i n g like, ' C h u t r a , v e r y very-fat M o m a l , l o n g t i m e eating only. Sitting. Little R a m R a h i m very-very-thin, sick-thin. O K better M o m a l take absolutely w e d ­ d i n g for.') C h u t r a got that long-suffering look and pointed o u t the obvi­ ous. ' A b r i d e g r o o m c a n n o t ride a female camel.' So R a m R a h i m ' s tail w a s t i e d u p t o display his b a r e l y d r o p p e d balls a n d M o m a l ' s f i n e r y w a s d r a p e d o v e r his p u n y h u m p . B y t h e t i m e D i l i p a n d I r e a c h e d t h e village, t h e fire c e r e m o n y h a d b e e n c o m p l e t e d a n d t h e t h r e e b r i d e g r o o m s sat o n separate c h a r p o i s , i m m o b i l e u n d e r t h e i r regalia. T h e y w e r e s u r r o u n d e d b y b r o t h e r s , fathers, u n c l e s - six o r e i g h t m e n c r a m m e d t o a c h a r p o i . T h e village itself b u r s t at t h e s e a m s w i t h p e o p l e . M e n i n t h e i r b e s t laundered whites and blood-coloured turbans, their gold, beaten i n t o h e a r t s h a p e d shields a n d s t u d d e d w i t h p r e c i o u s g e m s , o n d i s ­ play a r o u n d t h e i r n e c k s . T h e w o m e n ' s c l o t h e s t i n t e d p i n k t o r e d , t h e i r m e t a l s s c a t t e r i n g light. T h a t rare t h i n g — a R a b a r i p u b l i c s e r v a n t — fat a n d a b s u r d i n his caste g e a r w h i c h h e w o u l d o n l y w e a r for o c c a s i o n s like this. E v e r y o n e else r a n g y as w o l v e s , t h e i r fat m e l t e d off b y s u n a n d w o r k , t h e i r s h r e w d n e s s s h o w i n g i n g o l d . 260

U n t i l n o w I h a d j u d g e d c h i l d w e d d i n g s , at least w i t h i n this c o m m u n i t y , a sensible w a y o f d e a l i n g w i t h p r a c t i c a l l i m i t a t i o n s . T h e girls r e t u r n e d t o c o m p l e t e t h e i r p u b e s c e n c e at h o m e a n d t h e v a r i o u s g r o u p s o f R a b a r i I h a d m e t w e r e u n i t e d o n this p o i n t : c h i l d b r i d e s w e r e all r i g h t , c h i l d m o t h e r s w e r e n o t . B u t n o w I w a s n ' t so sure. O n e o f t h e b r i d e s w a s f o u r o r five y e a r s o l d a n d h e r t e r r o r w a s so t r e m e n d o u s I t h o u g h t s h e m i g h t pass o u t . A d o z e n m e n s t o o d o v e r h e r w i t h s w o r d s d r a w n , h e r m o t h e r was n o w h e r e i n sight, t h e r e w a s b a n g i n g a n d c r a s h i n g a n d s h o u t i n g a n d frenzy, a n d s h e h e r s e l f w a s s c r e a m i n g . All s h e k n e w w a s t h a t she w a s b e i n g s e n t f r o m h e r h o m e t o stay i n a s t r a n g e p l a c e w i t h s t r a n g e p e o p l e w h o p a i d n o a t t e n t i o n t o h e r cries for h e r m o t h e r . G r e a t g e n t l e n e s s w o u l d n o d o u b t b e s h o w n h e r b y h e r i n - l a w s at this stage b u t , e v e n so, t h e t r a u m a w o u l d surely stay w i t h h e r forever. A n d t h e m o t h e r ? T h e r e s h e w a s o u t s i d e , c u t off f r o m h e r child, weeping. J o g i s e m p l o y e d for t h e o c c a s i o n w e r e p o u n d i n g h e a r t b e a t s o n skin d r u m s . S o m e o n e

said t h a t t h e b r i d e ' s b a n g l e s h a d

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b r o k e n b u t I c o u l d n ' t b e sure w h a t was g o i n g o n . P e o p l e w e r e j o s t l i n g e a c h o t h e r . T h e r e w a s b o o z e a r o u n d . E x c i t e m e n t passed t h r o u g h t h e c r o w d like c o n t a g i o n . W h e n I c a u g h t a g l i m p s e o f D i l i p , h e s e e m e d t o b e i n v o l v e d i n a n a l t e r c a t i o n . I felt m y s e l f c a r r i e d a l o n g w i t h a m o b past a d a n c i n g c o m p e t i t i o n b e t w e e n t h e w o m e n o f t w o castes. T h e y f a c e d off against e a c h o t h e r as if at w a r . T w o small s t o n e s l a n d e d o n m y b a c k . T h e y w e r e t h r o w n b y c h i l d r e n s t a n d i n g o n a roof. T h e m u s i c a n d t h e frenzy h a d b r o k e n t h e i r restraint a n d it w a s as if t h e i m p u l s e t o t h r o w arose n o t f r o m b e l l i g e r e n c e b u t f r o m a desire t o cause a r e a c t i o n , t o

connect.

P e r h a p s a l o t o f v i o l e n c e b e g i n s like t h a t . I n a n y case it w a s t i m e t o W i t h D i l i p a r o u n d , t h e days t r a n s f o r m e d . H e f o u n d little t o i n t e r e s t o r o c c u p y h i m i n t h e village. H e w a s i m p a t i e n t for a different I n d i a , w h e r e t h e e l e c t r i c i t y w o r k e d a n d t h e p o l i t i c i a n s did their j o b s and p e o p l e h a d fewer children a n d m o r e material possessions. N o t o n l y d i d h e n o t r o m a n t i c i z e I n d i a n village life, it s e e m e d t o g r a t e against his s o u l , a n d h e c o u l d find n o b e a u t y i n it. W h e n h e suggested w e b o o k into a hotel in M o u n t A b u rather t h a n t w i d d l e o u r t h u m b s i n this b o r i n g p l a c e , I a g r e e d . 261

N a r e n d r a d r o v e f r o m J o d h p u r t o see m e . I s p e n t m o s t o f t h e time complaining about a certain u n t h wallah and threatening to s e n d h i m h o m e so I c o u l d h e a d off w i t h t h e s h e p h e r d s o n m y o w n . T h i s b i d for a u t o n o m y d i s t u r b e d m y f r i e n d w h o s e p r i m a r y m o t i v a t i o n i n h e l p i n g m e , I w a s b e g i n n i n g t o see, w a s t o m a k e sure I stayed alive. W h e n w e p a r t e d h e said, ' Y o u a n d C h u t r a are illustrations o f t h e o l d M a r w a r i p r o v e r b : T w o o n e - e y e d

men

c a n n o t g e t o n a n d y e t c a n n o t separate.' H e l a u g h e d a n d r e p e a t e d it t o K o j u , w h o t u r n e d away t o h i d e his g r i n . I h a d m y o w n p r o v e r b r e g a r d i n g C h u t r a : O n a l o n g j o u r n e y , e v e n a s t r a w is h e a v y . W h e n I r e t u r n e d t o Pipala, Parabu's w i f e h a d h a d h e r b a b y — a s o n . P a r a b u sat o u t s i d e , g r i n n i n g . I n s i d e it w a s d a r k a n d d u s t y . H i s w i f e lay o n a c h a r p o i , b e h i n d a c u r t a i n , a n d b e s i d e h e r w a s t h e y o u n g e s t life I'd e v e r s e e n . M a w a s e x h a u s t e d , h a v i n g h e l p e d h e r d a u g h t e r - i n - l a w t h r o u g h o u t t h e n i g h t a n d p r e v i o u s day. M a i n d i ­ c a t e d t h a t it h a d b e e n a b r e a c h b i r t h a n d t h a t t h e m o t h e r w a s b a d l y t o r n . T h e y h a d t h o u g h t she w o u l d d i e , b u t G o d h a d p u l l e d her through. She could hold n o t h i n g in her stomach, n o t even w a t e r , b u t she h a d n o fever. I sat b e s i d e h e r a n d p l a c e d m y h a n d o n h e r f o r e h e a d . S h e was still fully dressed i n all h e r b a n g l e s a n d t h e plaits p u l l i n g h e r h a i r so t i g h t l y f r o m t h e scalp w e r e d a m p . S h e w a s t h e c o l o u r o f c o r p s e s . B i g tears s q u e e z e d o u t o f m y eyes. T h e y w e r e c o m p l i c a t e d tears. T h e h o r r i b l e m a r v e l l o u s s t r a n g e n e s s o f life. A n g e r t h a t Z a l i h a d r e c e i v e d b e t t e r m e d i c a l a t t e n t i o n t h a n this w o m a n . Grief, I s u p p o s e , t h a t m y o w n r e p r o d u c t i v e days w e r e over, a fact t h a t I h a d h a d n o o p p o r t u n i t y t o assimilate b u t t h a t w a i t e d for j u s t s u c h a m o m e n t

to ambush me. T h e

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w a t c h e d m e , c o m m e n t e d and laughed gently. M a patted m y h e a d as if t o say, H o w s e n t i m e n t a l t h e s e w e s t e r n e r s are. A s if b i r t h isn't a n e v e r y d a y t h i n g , like e a t i n g o r w o r k i n g o r d y i n g . B e s i d e s , this is a w o m a n ' s l o t . W h o e v e r h e a r d o f m e d i c i n e s for s u c h a t h i n g ? M e n die o n m i g r a t i o n ; w o m e n i n c h i l d b i r t h . B e i n g alive is a d a n g e r o u s business. T h r e e days l a t e r Parabu's w i f e w a s able t o sit u p o n t h e side o f t h e b e d a n d smile w a n l y . S h e s h o w e d m e t h e scrap o f life w h i c h h a d a l m o s t killed h e r a n d w i t h w h i c h she h a d e n t i r e l y fallen i n love. T h e n e x t day a b a b y c a m e l d i e d . It h a d b e e n b o r n i n t h e c o u r t 262

y a r d t w o days earlier. T h e m o t h e r w a s desolate, called a n d called, a n d f o l l o w e d t h e m e n a r o u n d . T h e y c u t off t h e d e a d calf's tail a n d h u n g it u p for h e r t o smell as t h e y m i l k e d h e r . A little o f t h e m i l k w a s g i v e n t o Parabu's b a b y . T h e flocks w e r e l e a v i n g a n d I h a d still n o t m a d e u p m y m i n d w h e t h e r t o travel w i t h t h e m o r n o t . C e r t a i n l y I w o u l d g o o u t for a n i g h t o r t w o so t h a t D i l i p c o u l d t a k e p h o t o s , b u t t o c o n t i n u e w i t h t h e m n o w s e e m e d l e e c h e d o f validity. D i l i p h a d b r o u g h t w i t h h i m t h a t o t h e r reality. J o d h p u r w a s o n l y a f e w h o u r s ' d r i v e away, n o t a f e w w e e k s ' w a l k . T h e w o r l d o f cars, h o t e l s , t e l e p h o n e s , m e d i c i n e a n d m a g a z i n e s s u p e r i m p o s e d itself u p o n t h e w o r l d o f villages, w a l k i n g , h u n g e r , d a c o i t s a n d d e a t h s . T w o w o r l d s , t w o t i m e s , u n t o u c h e d b y e a c h o t h e r y e t o c c u p y i n g e q u i v a l e n t space. To

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stubbornness. W e h e a d e d o u t in the m o r n i n g a n d despite the d e m a n d s of the c a m e r a it w a s n i c e t o b e m o v i n g w i t h p e o p l e again. B u b b l i r a n t o c a t c h u p w i t h m e for t h e first f e w h u n d r e d yards a n d t h a t m a d e e v e r y o n e l a u g h . M a t o o k t h e l e a d w i t h P a r a b u , l e a n i n g i n t o h i m as if i n c o n s p i r a c y , h e r h i p s s w i n g i n g , h e r s o n b e n d i n g t o c a t c h h e r words. W e walked a b o u t t e n miles a n d c a m p e d in o p e n g r o u n d . T w o o f m y f a v o u r i t e s , S h a n t i o f t h e b u d d i n g breasts, a n d Sina, h e r b r o t h e r , c a m e t o sleep w i t h m e i n t h e t e n t . T h e y t o o k off t h e i r s h o e s t o e n t e r , t h e i r v o i c e s d r o p p e d a n d t h e i r fingers g r a z e d t h e o r a n g e n y l o n as if it w e r e b l o w n glass. T h e f o l l o w i n g a f t e r n o o n I left t h e d a n g so t h a t I c o u l d b e p h o t o g r a p h e d w a l k i n g t h r o u g h t h e Aravallis - a visual r e c o n s t r u c ­ t i o n o f t h e p r e v i o u s w e e k s . I assured M a t h a t I w o u l d m e e t u p w i t h t h e m o n t h e w a y b a c k b u t she w a s b e s i d e herself, insisting t h a t I r e m a i n w i t h t h e m as far as M o u n t A b u r o a d , t h a t h a v i n g m e t so f o r t u i t o u s l y w e s h o u l d n o t p a r t . W e w o u l d b e safer if w e stayed t o g e t h e r . ( T h e y w e r e h e a d i n g i n t o d a n g e r o u s hill tracts, where the odds of being robbed, kidnapped or murdered were uncomfortably high.) B a c k w a r d s a n d f o r w a r d s for t h e p h o t o s . S t a n d still, t u r n , w a l k back the other way. T h e sun climbing, b u r n i n g m y nose, m y brain. It w a s i m p o s s i b l e for m e t o leave a n y p a r t o f m y s e l f o p e n b e c a u s e o u t o f t h a t o p e n i n g m i g h t c o m e a flame o f r a g e . W e 263

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K u k a w a s forest l o d g e i n t h e e v e n i n g a n d I w e n t straight t o b e d . Fantasies o f q u i t t i n g a n d h a n d i n g t h e n o s e l i n e s o v e r t o

Dilip

c r o w d e d t h e pillow. B u t o f c o u r s e I w o u l d g o o n , joylessly, a n g r i l y , p r o p e l l e d b y t h e m o m e n t u m o f past d e c i s i o n s . K o j u b r o u g h t i n t h e g i n . I b a d e h i m sit a n d share a d r i n k . ' N o , M e m s a h i b . N o t w h i l e I ' m o n d u t y . ' B u t h e sat for a w h i l e a n d t o o k a t i n y sip. ' A r e y o u all r i g h t , M e m s a h i b ? ' ' I ' m all r i g h t , K o j u ji.' O n t h e way b a c k to t h e dang, w e passed o n e o f t h e y o u n g shepherds o n the road. W h e n h e learnt that I had decided n o t to c o n t i n u e w i t h t h e m , t h a t this w a s i n fact g o o d b y e , h e b u r s t i n t o tears a n d s t o o d , u n a b l e t o speak. W e d i d o u r n a m a s h k a r s ; h e t o o k m y f o l d e d h a n d s i n his, t h e n t u r n e d t o t e n d his s h e e p . W h e n w e entered the dang, everyone k n e w of m y decision. M a g r e e t e d m e a n d t h r e w d o w n a c a m e l - h a i r m a t for m e t o sit o n . I gave S h a n t i a n e m b r o i d e r e d p u r s e w h i c h she h a d a d m i r e d . S h e t o o k it b e m u s e d l y a n d gave it b a c k . 'It b e l o n g s t o y o u now,' I said. It w a s as if I'd g i v e n h e r a p o t o f g o l d . I h a d o n e last c u p o f tea w i t h all m y f r i e n d s sitting a r o u n d m e i n silence. M a t u c k e d a s t r a n d o f h a i r b e h i n d m y ear a n d w h i s p e r e d s o m e t h i n g

about

B h a g w a n . A s I t u r n e d t o g o , s h e t o o k m y h a n d a n d kissed it t w i c e o n the top, twice o n the palm, in the R a b a r i way.

22 Three

days l a t e r w e

made

camp

at a w e l l t u c k e d

under

a

b a n y a n t r e e as full o f w o r l d s as t h e Q u a n g l e - W a n g l e ' s h a t . A R a b a r i s h r i n e — a little i n c e n s e , s o m e c a n d l e h o l d e r s — w a s set into

the

knobbly

bole

around

which

was

a

mud-smoothed

p l a t f o r m . A s h e p h e r d c a m e t w i c e e v e r y d a y t o t e n d it. H e was t h e g r e a t - g r a n d s o n o f t h e a n c e s t o r w h o , fifty y e a r s a g o , c h a s e d a n Adivassi w h o h a d s t o l e n his buffalo t o this v e r y spot, w h e r e ­ upon

t h e Adivassi h a d killed h i m

with

his b o w

and

arrow.

B e s i d e t h e w e l l w a s a vast talab ( d a m ) a n d , b e h i n d t h a t , t h e b l u e Aravalli hills. T h e talab w a s e m p t y b u t t h r e a d e d t h r o u g h t h e g r e e n grass i n its b a s i n w e r e strips o f silver w a t e r . I t o o k Z a l i for walks t h e r e . C r a n e s , s p o o n b i l l s , d u c k s , d o t t e r e l s , geese, p l o v e r s rose a n d s a n k as he dashed himself into the m u d , skidded, flung himself backwards, l e a p t after a Saras c r a n e t w i c e his size, t h e n t u r n e d flat o u t b a c k t o m e , e v e r y t h i n g a b o u t h i m saying ' L o o k at m e ! L o o k at m e ! ' I'd h a d o n e o t h e r d o g w h o c o u l d m a t c h h i m for i n t e l l i g e n c e , c u n ­ n i n g a n d c h a r m . B u t n o n e w h o c o u l d m a t c h h i m for b e a u t y . I h a d n o t i n t e n d e d t o fall for this d o g as I k n e w w h e n t h e j o u r n e y w a s over, I w o u l d h a v e t o leave h i m . B u t Z a l i h a d n e v e r d o u b t e d t h a t h e c o u l d flirt his w a y i n t o t h e M e m s a h i b ' s h e a r t . W h e n t h e t i m e c a m e t o leave h i m , I w o u l d miss h i m far m o r e t h a n h e w o u l d miss m e . A n d I l i k e d h i m all t h e m o r e for t h a t . Z a l i w a s a survivor. A gypsy dog. It was s u c h a p r e t t y p l a c e , w e d e c i d e d t o rest t h e r e for a c o u p l e o f days. Yet it w a s precisely i n r e s t i n g t h a t I realized t h e e x t r e m i t y o f m y e x h a u s t i o n , n o t j u s t o f b o d y b u t o f spirit. I h a d t o k e e p going. I had to. B u t k e e p i n g going h a d n o m e a n i n g . 265

On

the second afternoon

I noticed that R a m

Rahim

and

Sumal w e r e eating lantana. ' D o n ' t l e t t h e m eat it, C h u t r a , ' I said. ' I t is a n o x i o u s w e e d . I ' m sure it c a n ' t b e g o o d for t h e m . ' B u t C h u t r a , as always, k n e w b e t t e r . T h a t n i g h t I w a s w o k e n b y several m e n s t a n d i n g at t h e b o t t o m o f t h e c o t . (Zali w a s s l e e p i n g u n d e r t h e b l a n k e t s w i t h m e a n d c o n t i n u e d t o snore.) I c o u l d s m e l l t h e g r o g o n t h e m f r o m w h e r e I lay and they were very belligerent. ' M a d a m , m a d a m , m a d a m , m a d a m ! ' s h o u t e d o n e u n t i l I c o u l d i g n o r e t h e m n o l o n g e r . I sat u p . T h e r e w e r e a b o u t t w e n t y o f t h e m , all c a r r y i n g l a r g e h e a v y sticks. S u d d e n l y little C h u t r a w a s t h e r e , puffed u p like a frog a n d h o l d i n g his stick w i t h t h e axe o n t o p . I d e c i d e d t o say n o t h i n g — it w o u l d b e b e t t e r t h a t way — b u t I pulled t h e toy pistol o u t of m y pack in an obvious sort of way. I was n o t even remotely frightened, just profoundly b o r e d . D i l i p c a m e o u t o f his t e n t l o o k i n g like a B - 5 2 . H e h e l d a large stick b e h i n d his b a c k . It w a s r a t h e r c o m i c : t h e d u m b p r i n c e s s s i t t i n g u p i n b e d u n d e r t h e m o o n l i g h t , t h e w a t c h d o g p u t t i n g his n o s e i n t o t h e c o l d air t h e n p u l l i n g it b a c k i n t o t h e w a r m t h , t h e c h a p s s q u a r i n g off against e a c h o t h e r . C o m i c a n d d e m e a n i n g a n d ineffably s t u p i d . T h e first m a n said, 'I d o n ' t w a n t a n y C h r i s t i a n s h e r e i n I n d i a . W e g o t r i d o f t h e C h r i s t i a n s . T h e y s h o u l d n ' t live here.' After t h a t h e p r o c e e d e d t o p o o r s c o r n o n t h e R a b a r i . T h e y c u t his trees, t h e y stole his grass, t h e y w e r e d i r t y a n d c o w a r d l y a n d p o o r . W e w e r e t o g e t o u t o f this p l a c e if w e k n e w w h a t w a s g o o d for u s . E v e n t u a l l y , his s t e a m released — a n d b e i n g f r i g h t e n e d o f D i l i p w h o , bless h i m , w o u l d h a v e s c a r e d t h e D e v i l — h e left, t a k i n g his g u n d a h s w i t h h i m . I y a w n e d l o u d l y as h e w e n t , a p a t h e t i c r e v e n g e . T h e n e x t day w e m o v e d o n t o P i n d w a r a , w h e r e t h e r a n g e forest officer, M r N a y a k Ali, offered u s a c o t t a g e t o stay i n a n d t o d r i v e us a r o u n d t h e forest u n d e r his j u r i s d i c t i o n . N a y a k ' s j o b w a s n o t a h a p p y o n e . T h e r e w e r e f o u r t e e n grasslands u n d e r his care, t h e b i g g e s t o f w h i c h w a s a b o u t t w o t h o u s a n d acres. K e e p i n g t h e s e available for pastoralists m e a n t t h a t t h e forest w a s u n d e r a c u t e pressure. S o m e areas w e r e c l o s e d for r e g e n e r a t i o n , w h i c h t o o k five t o t e n years, a n d t h o s e w e r e t h e areas m o s t t e m p t i n g t o g r a z i e r s : 'Illegal g r a z i n g is t h e m a i n r e a s o n for t h e l a c k o f success o f r e g e n e r a ­ t i o n a n d r e p l a n t i n g . T h e p r o b l e m is o b v i o u s . T h e cattle p o p u l a ­ t i o n is m u c h t o o h i g h for t h e available grassland.' 266

The

regenerating

areas

were

fenced

or

ditched

in

two-

hundred-and-fifty-acre blocks. Each block had just one chauki­ daar. If cattle w e r e f o u n d i n t h e g r a z i n g area, t h e d e p a r t m e n t t o o k t h e cattle t o a c o m p o u n d a n d i m p o s e d fines o n t h e o w n e r . If t h e guard was a d e p a r t m e n t e m p l o y e e and suspected of taking bribes, t h e n a l o n g p r o c e s s b e g a n , t o fine h i m o r take h i m t o c o u r t . It w a s s e l d o m w o r t h it a n d t h e d e p a r t m e n t c h a u k i d a a r s k n e w t h e y w e r e fairly safe. H o w e v e r , m o s t g u a r d s w e r e local m e n w h o w e r e p a i d v e r y little, so t h e y a u t o m a t i c a l l y t o o k b r i b e s as t h e r e w a s social p r e s s u r e o n t h e m t o d o so f r o m relatives o r friends. T h e graziers h a d t o p a y a small fee t o t h e g o v e r n m e n t t o u s e t h e s t a n d i n g grass, t h e n a n o t h e r for t h e c u t grass. As this w a s a n official d r o u g h t year, t h e grass w o u l d n o t b e c o n t r a c t e d t o o u t s i d ­ ers b u t t o d e p a r t m e n t a l l a b o u r e r s , m o s t o f w h o m w e r e R a b a r i a n d tribals, w h o w o u l d c u t t h e grass for a set fee, t h e n sell it at l o w c o s t to t h e graziers. T h e r e

was n o

antagonism between

Adivassis

a n d R a b a r i s b e c a u s e e a c h g r o u p h a d access t o s e p a r a t e areas o f t h e forest. A l s o t h e tribals h e r e w e r e fairly p r o s p e r o u s , w h e r e a s t h e B h i l s i n t h e hills t h r o u g h w h i c h w e h a d j u s t c o m e w e r e e x t r e m e l y poor. Their

'trade' was thieving because

they had n o

other

income. A l m o s t t h e w h o l e p o p u l a t i o n u s e d w o o d f r o m t h e forest for fire. B y r i g h t locals c o u l d h a v e as m u c h d r y w o o d as t h e y c o u l d c a r r y o n t h e i r h e a d s . B u t t h e r e w a s n o t e n o u g h for e v e r y o n e , so p e o p l e r i n g - b a r k e d trees o r c u t g r e e n w o o d a n d l e t it d r y i n t h e forest. T h e n t h e y w o u l d c o m e b a c k a f e w w e e k s l a t e r a n d c a r r y it o u t as d r y w o o d . All villages h a d access t o c e r t a i n areas for p a s t u r e b u t t h e s e h a d b e e n o p e n t o g r a z i n g for a h u n d r e d y e a r s , so w e r e n o t o n l y b a r r e n , t h e r e w a s n o s e e d left i n t h e soil. T h e d e p a r t m e n t t o o k t h e s e areas for r e p l a n t i n g b u t , u n d e r s t a n d a b l y , this c a u s e d resistance. W h e r e else c o u l d t h e p e o p l e t a k e t h e i r cattle i n t h e m e a n t i m e ? B u t t h e w o r s t p r o b l e m f a c i n g N a y a k was c o r r u p t i o n : ' I f y o u g e t s o m e p r o f i t e e r c u t t i n g w o o d a n d p u t t i n g it o n a t r u c k t o sell, a p o l i t i c a l l e a d e r w i l l w a n t t o settle it unofficially b e c a u s e t h e p r o f i t ­ e e r w i l l e i t h e r give m o n e y t o h i m o r p r o m i s e v o t e b a n k s . All t h e p a n c h a i t a n d M L A m e m b e r s are i n v o l v e d . T h e y h a v e t h e i r o w n f i e l d w o r k e r s w h o tell t h e m w h a t ' s h a p p e n i n g , t h e n t h e y c o m e t o 267

m e o r m y m e n a n d say, " Y o u d o this o r t h a t a n d , if y o u d o n ' t , this o r t h a t w i l l h a p p e n t o y o u . " If I t r y t o p r e v e n t illegal w o o d c u t t i n g t h e political l e a d e r s w i l l h a v e m e t r a n s f e r r e d a n d b r i n g i n t h e i r o w n p u p p e t . O r t h e y w i l l m a k e false c o m p l a i n t s . ' H a d this h a p ­ p e n e d t o h i m i n t h e past? Yes, h e h a d b e e n t r a n s f e r r e d f r o m his p r e v i o u s p o s i t i o n for j u s t t h e s e r e a s o n s . I a s k e d if it w o u l d b e helpful for m e t o i n t e r v i e w t h e s e m e n a n d t o w r i t e a b o u t w h a t they were doing, try to expose t h e m . H e smiled wryly, conferred w i t h his officer, B a l w a n S i n g h , a n d said, 'It w o u l d b e difficult j u s t at t h e m o m e n t . ' N a y a k h a d l e a r n t t h e h a r d w a y t h a t h e

must

c o m p r o m i s e w i t h p o w e r if h e w a s t o h a v e a n y p o s i t i v e effect at all. I also s u s p e c t e d t h a t this c o m p r o m i s e h a d d e m o r a l i z e d h i m . H e w o r k e d e i g h t e e n - h o u r days b u t t h e f r u s t r a t i o n i n h i m w a s s o u r i n g i n t o h o p e l e s s n e s s : ' I n front t h e s e p o l i t i c i a n s are v e r y n i c e

and

clean, v e r y w h i t e - c l a d p e o p l e , b u t b e h i n d is s o m e t h i n g else. T h e y are t h e m a i n h u r d l e i n o u r d e v e l o p m e n t i n I n d i a . T h e c o r r u p t i o n o f politics has w o r s e n e d i n t h e last f o u r t o five y e a r s , a l o n g w i t h c o m m u n a l i s m . I a m a M u s l i m , so I k n o w . T h e r e is n o n e o f it a m o n g m y staff a n d v e r y little f r o m t h e R a b a r i s o r t h e tribals, b u t from politicians, shopkeepers, traders — yes, there, c o m m u n a l i s m has t a k e n r o o t . ' O n t h e w a y b a c k N a y a k t o o k us t o m e e t a R a b a r i b h o p a w h o h a d a d i r e c t l i n e t o a n ancestral d e i t y M a m a j i . T h i s w a s a special day w h e n p e o p l e c a m e t o h i m w i t h t h e i r p r o b l e m s t o ask for intercession and advice. T h e b h o p a was a m o s t impressive-looking m a n - b i g , w e l l - m u s c l e d a n d sleek, w i t h w i l d g r e y h a i r a n d a p s y c h o a n a l y t i c stare. H i s eyes w e r e p a l e g r e e n . A h a n d f u l

of

p e o p l e clustered a r o u n d the tiny temple. M e n w e r e allowed into t h e i n n e r s a n c t u m , a n e n c l o s u r e w h e r e t h e b h o p a lit a fire i n a little g h e e l a m p . W o m e n r e m a i n e d j u s t o u t s i d e , l o o k i n g i n , a n d if w e w a n t e d t o ask t h e b h o p a s o m e t h i n g , w e asked a m a n t o i n t e r ­ c e d e for us. T h e b h o p a b e g a n t o s h a k e a n d puff, h y p e r v e n t i l a t i n g h i m s e l f i n t o a t r a n c e . H e s n o r t e d like a b u l l a n d t h e s h a k i n g l o o k e d e p i ­ leptic. T h e old lady beside m e m u r m u r e d h e r reverence to t h e presence of M a m i ji, w h o had entered the body of the bhopa. Suddenly h e hit a cushion o n to w h i c h h e j u m p e d

from

a

c r o s s - l e g g e d p o s i t i o n , j u s t as if h e ' d b e e n t h r o w n t h e r e b y s o m e 268

m y s t i c force. H e b a n g e d h i m s e l f o n t h e b a c k w i t h a flat steel bar. In a m o n g the snorts, words began to f o r m w h i c h people answered q u i e t l y , like a litany. A n o l d w o m a n asked, ' M y h u s b a n d w a s ill a n d b e h a v i n g s t r a n g e ­ ly. H e s e e m e d t o g e t b e t t e r b u t last n i g h t h e w a s w o r s e . W i l l h e b e c o m e better?' 'I c a n n o t a n s w e r y o u . Y o u m u s t b r i n g this m a n t o m e , t o m y house.' A m a n came forward w i t h a gold necklace. T h e b h o p a put grain in the man's hand, g r u n t e d a few w o r d s in b e t w e e n snorts. H e t h e n w h e e l e d t h e g o l d a r o u n d t h e g h e e fire a n d a g a i n t o o k a p i n c h o f g r a i n . 'Yes,' c a m e t h e r e p l y , ' t h e m o n e y y o u lost w i l l b e found. Don't worry.' O u r o w n guide, Balwan Singh, approached and t o u c h e d the priest's legs. 'I w a n t t o leave m y p o s t a n d s e e k a n o t h e r . W h a t should I do?' T h e b h o p a w a f t e d p e a c o c k feathers o v e r h i m a n d d e l i v e r e d t h e m e s s a g e . ' W a i t for t h i r t e e n m o n t h s . T h e n , if y o u still w i s h t o g o , y o u m a y d o so.' N a y a k e x p l a i n e d t o m e later. ' B a l w a n S i n g h w o r k s seven days a w e e k a n d his j o b is n o t p l e a s a n t . T h e r e are n o d i r e c t b e n e f i t s t h a t h e c a n give t o t h e p e o p l e t o c o n v i n c e t h e m t h a t o u r ideas are r i g h t a n d w i l l h e l p t h e m i n t h e e n d . I t h i n k a forest officer's j o b is t h e m o s t difficult.' I w a n t e d t o ask t h e b h o p a ' s a d v i c e myself: B h o p a j i , tell m e h o w I c a n g e t r i d o f this a n g e r . B u t I d i d n o t . T h e b h o p a w e n t d e e p e r i n t o t r a n c e , t h e n s u d d e n l y h e w a s off his c u s h i o n a n d c a l m l y w i n d ­ i n g o n his t u r b a n as if n o t h i n g h a d h a p p e n e d . W h e n w e r e t u r n e d C h u t r a i n f o r m e d m e that R a m R a h i m was refusing t o eat. I feared m y little f a v o u r i t e w a s p o i s o n e d b u t h a d n o idea w h a t I c o u l d give h i m o t h e r t h a n a purgative. W e h u r r i e d i n t o P i n d w a r a t o b u y d r u g s for h i m at a p h a r m a c i s t ' s s h o p . B u t t h e s h o p wallah c o u l d n o t h e a r w h a t I was saying to h i m because about t w o h u n d r e d schoolboys had gathered around m y strange­ ness, a n d C h u t r a was t h r e a t e n i n g t h e m w i t h his stick a n d calling t h e m half-minds. This only m a d e t h e screeching m o r e hysterical a n d D i l i p , his v e i n s s t a n d i n g o u t i n his n e c k , c h a s e d a n d g r a b b e d t w o of t h e m and was t u g g i n g t h e m towards m e , yelling, ' C o m e 269

o n , t o u c h h e r . S e e if she's real o r a m o v i e . ' T h e w o m a n n e x t t o m e w h i s p e r e d t h r o u g h t h e w i n d o w i n h e r b u r q a t h a t it was t e r r i b l e a n d she was s o r r y . I s h o u t e d a g a i n t o t h e s h o p o w n e r b u t his a t t e n t i o n was c o n t i n u a l l y t a k e n b y t h e m o b , o r b y t h e m e n w h o h a d b e g u n t o g a t h e r a r o u n d , h a l f - j o i n i n g i n t h e fun, half-scared o f their o w n daring. Eventually I was given needles and s o m e w h i t e v i s c o u s stuff b u t I c o u l d n o t b e a r t o w a i t for t h e rest a n d , p u l l i n g m y o r n i over m y face, n e g o t i a t e d m y w a y t h r o u g h t h e b o y s , w h o s e e m e d n o t h u m a n b u t t o c o n s t i t u t e a p a c k , h o w l i n g for

my

b l o o d , t u g g i n g at m y c l o t h e s . D i l i p , r e a l i z i n g t h a t p r o t e s t w a s like p e t r o l t o t h e flames, w a i t e d till w e g o t t o t h e j e e p b e f o r e s p i t t i n g o u t , ' Y o u are m o n k e y s , apes. Y o u s h o u l d all b e s h o t ! ' I n s i d e t h e car C h u t r a said, ' H e r e p u b l i c is v e r y i g n o r a n t . V e r y h a l f - m i n d . R a j a s t h a n is a p o o r c o u n t r y . N o t e d u c a t e d . ' I said n o t h i n g . I was n o t l o o k i n g f o r w a r d t o g i v i n g t h e i n j e c t i o n s t o

Ram

R a h i m . It w o u l d i n v o l v e t h r o w i n g t h e n e e d l e , t h w a c k , i n t o t h e animal's n e c k a n d h e w o u l d n o t like it a n y m o r e t h a n I d i d . W h e n w e r e t u r n e d , h e w a s s i t t i n g b e s i d e his f o o d , m u n c h i n g . T h e e n t i r e i n c i d e n t at t h e p h a r m a c i s t ' s h a d b e e n u n n e c e s s a r y . P e r h a p s , u n d e r different c i r c u m s t a n c e s , I w o u l d h a v e g i v e n t h e i n j e c t i o n s a n y w a y . T h a t w o u l d h a v e b e e n t h e sensible t h i n g t o d o . B u t g o o d sense r e q u i r e s its m o d i c u m o f e n e r g y a n d w h e n y o u h a v e r e a c h e d t h e d r e g s o f y o u r reserves, y o u t e n d t o b e a b s t e m i ­ o u s . I c r e p t i n t o m y r o o m , c l o s e d s h u t t e r s a n d d o o r , lay d o w n o n t h e cot. T h e d o o r o p e n e d . A y o u n g m a n simply stood there, star­ i n g as if I was a t e l e v i s i o n set. I t o l d h i m r u d e l y t o g o away a n d instantly felt a s h a m e d . I l o c k e d t h e d o o r . I sank i n t o t h e d a r k r o o m w h e r e i m a g e s o f defeat s w a r m e d inside m y h e a d like p o i s o n o u s bees. I k e p t r e t u r n i n g t o t h e r i m o f t h e talab w h e r e I h a d s t o o d a c o u p l e o f days b e f o r e . It w a s e v e n i n g . B e l o w m e , a t h r e a d o f p l a t i ­ n u m w o u n d t h r o u g h grass as s h o r t a n d l u r i d as p o k e r - t a b l e b a i z e a n d r e a c h e d , i n t h e far d i s t a n c e , t o a w h i t e t e m p l e o n t h e o p p o s i t e r i m . I w a i t e d t h e r e i n t h e t w i l i g h t a n d it w a s as if I w e r e l o o k i n g d o w n o n a m i n i a t u r e w o r l d . O n t h e far side, t h e t o y t e m p l e , a n d i n t h e 'valley' t o y o x e n p l o u g h i n g t h e g r e e n . D o t t e d h e r e a n d t h e r e w e r e t i n y R a b a r i m e n w i t h t h e i r s h e e p a n d goats. I n t h e w a t e r , 270

m i n u t e , e x q u i s i t e l y crafted b i r d s . Y o u c o u l d p i c k u p t h e c r e a t u r e s b e l o w and inspect t h e m o n the palm of y o u r hand. T h e s u n h a d set, l e a v i n g e v e r y t h i n g d u s t e d i n t h e soft pastel b l u e s a n d p i n k s o f I n d i a n n i g h t s . T o t h e left, a full y e l l o w m o o n rose b e h i n d t h e mass o f t h e Aravalli R a n g e s — b l u e collage against a v i o l e t sky. T h e r e w e r e s t r a n g e birdcalls, m o o n l i g h t b u r n i s h e d t h e w a t e r . As t h e sky d e e p e n e d , lights b e g a n t o a p p e a r i n t h e valley — t h e c o o k i n g fires o f t h e R a b a r i . S l o w l y a l o n g t h e l e f t - h a n d r i m c a m e a s t r i n g o f s i l h o u e t t e d b i c y c l e s . H o w i m p o s s i b l y b e a u t i f u l it was. E x c e p t t h a t it w a s n o t b e a u t i f u l at all. It w a s a lie. T h o s e fires, as r o m a n t i c as

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fact m i s e r a b l e a n d m e a n , m a d e f r o m a f e w bits o f c o w d u n g a n d w h a t e v e r t h o r n y sticks t h e m e n h a d s c a v e n g e d f r o m a l a n d s c a p e e a t e n d o w n past d i r t t o s t o n e . A n d t h o s e l u m i n o u s c l o t h e s o n t h e b i c y c l e r i d e r s w e r e really bits o f g r e y r a g h u n g o n

half-starved

m e n stunted b y w o r k . T h e toy R a b a r i s w i t h their toy animals, and their glowing red turbans, w e r e lonely m e n living o n goat milk a n d o n e rati a day, w h o s e s t o m a c h s r u m b l e d i n t h e n i g h t , w h o w o u l d n o t see t h e i r families for m o n t h s , w h o w o u l d b e l u c k y t o get their animals and themselves t h r o u g h t h e season. A n d

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w a t e r , p r e c i o u s m e t a l f r o m h e r e , i n reality w a s p o i s o n o u s w i t h G u i n e a w o r m a n d disease, a m a l a r i a l s w a m p . T h e m o u n t a i n r a n g e b e y o n d , d a r k v o l u p t u o u s shapes, t h e h o l i e s t p l a c e i n I n d i a s o m e said, a n d I t h o u g h t o f t h e filth I h a d s e e n i n its streams, o f t h e R a b a r i w o m e n w a l k i n g t e n miles straight u p w i t h their u r n s o n t h e i r h e a d s , t h e n t e n m i l e s b a c k d o w n t o t h e i r village, e v e r y day o f t h e i r lives, t o s u p p l y m i l k t o t h o s e v u l g a r a n d u g l y h o t e l s w h e r e p e o p l e like D i l i p a n d I m i g h t stay w h e n w e c o u l d n ' t s t a n d t h e discomfort any more. T h e disgust I felt, t h e r a g e , w a s n o t at I n d i a b u t w i t h h u m a n i t y . If I n d i a was t e r r i b l e , so w a s w h e r e I c a m e f r o m . W o r s e , b e c a u s e it w a s so spoilt, so c o m f o r t a b l e , so o b l i v i o u s a n d t h a t c o m f o r t p u r ­ c h a s e d at t h e e x p e n s e o f c o u n t r i e s like this o n e . E a c h

country

l e e c h i n g a n o t h e r a n d , w i t h i n all t h e c o u n t r i e s , g r o u p s o f h u m a n s leeching other groups of h u m a n s d o w n the pyramid, until y o u got t o t h e v e r y b o t t o m , t h e little t o y R a b a r i m e n . F u c k e d . T h e a n g e r c h e w e d m e u p . I c o u l d n o t sleep at n i g h t w i t h it. 271

T h e r e was n o w h e r e t o d u m p it. E v e r y t h i n g I h a d d o n e h e r e w a s fraudulent and absurd. I k n e w n o t h i n g a b o u t t h e R a b a r i s and, e v e n if I d i d , it w o u l d m e a n n o t h i n g t o t h e m , m a k e n o difference to t h e m . I had u n d e r s t o o d n o t h i n g of w h e r e I was. A n d I w o u l d p e r p e t u a t e t h e f r a u d u l e n c e b y p r o d u c i n g y e t a n o t h e r useless a r t e ­ fact for w e s t e r n c o n s u m p t i o n , a n o t h e r b i t o f n o i s e for a c u l t u r e d r o w n i n g i n n o i s e - a n article for a glossy m a g a z i n e w i t h b e a u t i f u l p h o t o s o f b e a u t i f u l I n d i a , b e a u t i f u l n o b l e R a b a r i , so t h a t p e o p l e c o u l d sit i n c o m f o r t i n t h e i r h o m e s o r d o c t o r s ' w a i t i n g - r o o m s a n d n o t see. I l o a t h e d m y initial r o m a n t i c i s m m o r e t h a n m y p r e s e n t i n c a p a c i t y t o d e a l w i t h reality. A t least this h a d t r u t h i n it. A t least, t h r o u g h the discomforts of m y o w n b o d y , t h r o u g h the exhaustion a n d illness a n d r a g e , I h a d a n i d e a o f h o w p e o p l e really lived. T h e r e is a t h e o r y d r e a m e d u p b y s o m e t h e o r e t i c a l physicists t h a t t h e u n i v e r s e s p a w n s a m u l t i t u d e o f n e w u n i v e r s e s at e v e r y q u a n t u m d e c i s i o n . S o m e t i m e s it s e e m e d as if I h a d m a d e s o m e w r o n g c h o i c e i n m y life a n d it h a d s h u n t e d m e i n t o o n e o f t h e s e n e i g h b o u r i n g u n i v e r s e s , so t h a t I was l i v i n g i n a w o r l d w h e r e I was n o t m e a n t t o b e , w h i c h was e e r i l y familiar b u t t e r r i b l y w r o n g . M a n y elements w e r e the same — camels, dog, p h o t o g r a p h e r , j o u r ­ n e y . I was b e i n g c o n d e m n e d t o r e p e a t , b u t i n a hellish d i s t o r t i o n . N e x t day w e left P i n d w a r a . D i l i p a n d I s c o u t e d a h e a d

for

p h o t o - s i g h t s a n d for a c a m p i n g spot. T h e r e w a s a d r y r i v e r - b e d amidst boulders. A t a n o t h e r time, in a n o t h e r place, I w o u l d have f o u n d it lovely, w o u l d h a v e e n j o y e d s l e e p i n g i n t h e sand, a b s o r b ­ i n g t h e w a r m t h a n d g o o d n e s s o f e a r t h , w a k i n g at d a w n t o b i r d s a n d sky. B u t w o u l d w e b e p r o t e c t e d f r o m thieves? A n d if I w e r e t o g o for a w a l k , w o u l d n ' t I, as always, b e set u p o n b y d o g s o r fol­ l o w e d b y t h e c u r i o u s , o r w a t c h e d b y s u s p i c i o u s , f r i g h t e n e d faces, o r s t o p p e d b y a cactus f e n c e a n d g u a r d e d gates, o r a m b u s h e d b y g u n d a h s ? T h e o n l y d u t y left t o w a r d s t h e m a g a z i n e was g e t t i n g some pictures of m e w i t h the camel-herding R a b a r i . W e found a village w h e r e t h e y lived, a w e e k ' s w a l k i n g d i s t a n c e away. D i l i p c o u l d see n o p o i n t i n c a m p i n g o u t m e a n w h i l e . W h y d i d n ' t I d r i v e b a c k w i t h h i m t o J o d h p u r , h a v e a f e w days' rest, t h e n r i n g h i m i n D e l h i a n d b o t h r e t u r n for t h e final s h o o t ? T h e c h a p s c o u l d c a r r y o n w i t h o u t us t o t h e m e e t i n g place. On

m y p r e v i o u s j o u r n e y t h r o u g h Australia, I a b s o r b e d 272

the

r h y t h m o f t h e w o r l d o f w a l k i n g , i n w h i c h t i m e a n d space are r e l a t e d t o t h e h u m a n gait. T w e n t y m i l e s is c a l c u l a t e d b y t h e m o v e ­ m e n t o f t h e s u n , o r t h e m o o n o r t h e stars, o r b y h o w t i r e d y o u r legs h a v e b e c o m e , o r b y a m o u n t a i n m a k i n g its w a y t o w a r d s y o u at a m o u n t a i n ' s majestic p a c e , b y i n c r e m e n t s o f steps. O n

that

j o u r n e y there w e r e n o vehicles t o r e m i n d m e that, in the w o r l d I h a d left b e h i n d , t w e n t y m i l e s is e q u i v a l e n t t o t w e n t y m i n u t e s b y car a l o n g a t a r m a c r o a d . A w o r l d i n w h i c h t h e l a n d s c a p e d i m i n i s h ­ es, r e c e d e s , b e c o m e s i r r e l e v a n t t o t h e s a m e d e g r e e t h a t t h e a n c i e n t h u m a n a w a r e n e s s o f t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p b e t w e e n space a n d t i m e is broken. This j o u r n e y was r e d u c e d to kitsch, partly by the constant m o v e ­ m e n t between the two worlds. D i l i p said, ' R o b , y o u l o o k t e r r i b l e . Y o u l o o k a h u n d r e d years o l d . F o r G o d ' s sake, c o m e t o J o d h p u r w i t h m e . W h a t

difference

w o u l d it m a k e ? ' I c o u l d t h i n k o f n o difference t h a t it w o u l d m a k e . I climbed into the air-conditioned j e e p and w i t h i n four hours w e were in Jodhpur. Four hours, or t w o weeks, depending o n w h i c h world y o u inhabited. T h e f a r m w a s p r e t t y m u c h d e s e r t e d . I w e n t t o m y little r o o m , c l o s e d t h e d o o r . D a r k n e s s , silence. I n t h e m o r n i n g I w o k e find t h a t I was d e a f a n d t h e r e w e r e l u m p s i n m y t h r o a t

to and

a r m p i t s . A n d t h a t t h e r e w a s a m e s s a g e for m e . R a m R a h i m w a s dead. I w a i t e d for K o j u a n d t h e j e e p . T h e n e x t a f t e r n o o n , a n o t h e r m e s s a g e . S u m a l w a s d e a d . T h e i r d e a t h s h a d b e e n as a g o n i z i n g as d e a t h s c o u l d possibly b e , t h e l a n t a n a p o i s o n s p r e a d i n g

slowly

t h r o u g h o r g a n s , c u l m i n a t i n g i n t h e b r a i n , c a u s i n g fits o f m a d n e s s . When

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Sumal's b o d y — a k e y p i c t u r e , h e said. I refused. C h u t r a h a d t o p o s e i n s t e a d . A n d c r u m p l e d i n t o sobs. H e h a d c o a x e d t h e m , d o c t o r e d t h e m , w a t c h e d t h e m g o i n g m a d , w a t c h e d t h e m die. R a m R a h i m h a d d i e d i n a village c o m p o u n d . B u t t h e residents h a d refused t o h e l p h i m g e t r i d o f t h e carcass. It t o o k a n o t h e r d a y t o find s o m e u n t o u c h a b l e s w h o w o u l d d r a g it away. T h e following m o r n i n g h e and I walked together with M o m a l u n t i l t h e silence, w h i c h I h a d so o f t e n l o n g e d for, g r e w u n b e a r a b l e . I p u t m y a r m a r o u n d his s h o u l d e r a n d t o l d h i m it w a s n ' t his fault. 273

T w o o n e - e y e d m e n , o n e deaf, t h e o t h e r w e e p i n g , l e a d i n g a c a m e l through nothing into nowhere. B y t h e t i m e w e r e a c h e d P h a l o d i , Z a l i w a s listless a n d refusing t o eat. C h u t r a a n d K o j u b o t h said it w a s n o t h i n g t o w o r r y a b o u t . N e v e r t h e l e s s , a b o u t this, I w o u l d finally assert myself. I w o u l d t a k e h i m t o J o d h p u r t o a vet, n o w , this m i n u t e . D i l i p c o u l d stay a n d p h o t o g r a p h t h e H o l i festival w i t h o u t m e . K o j u a n d I a r r i v e d i n J o d h p u r at f o u r i n t h e m o r n i n g . W e w o k e u p a local v e t w h o i n j e c t e d Z a l i half a d o z e n t i m e s . ' B u t w i l l h e s u r v i v e ? ' I said. ' O h , yes. H e ' l l survive,' said t h e v e t . ' N o q u e s t i o n . ' T h e n e x t m o r n i n g the d o g could barely walk. I t o o k h i m to a veterinary

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again received

injections.

M o r n a t c a m e w i t h m e . W h e n w e g o t h o m e t o t h e f a r m , h e said, ' I w i l l give h i m s o m e w h i s k y . It is w h a t w e d o w i t h o u r dogs.' I k n e w it w a s t h e w r o n g t h i n g t o d o a n d y e t I let it h a p p e n . M y w i l l h a d r u n o u t . I w a t c h e d as t h e y h e l d Z a l i o n t h e g r o u n d , f o r c e d his m o u t h o p e n a n d s e n t a s h o t o f w h i s k y i n t o his s t o m a c h . I c a r r i e d t h e d o g into m y r o o m . H e was unconscious. T w o h o u r s later h e b e g a n c o n v u l s i n g . I y e l l e d for M o r n a t a n d K o j u . I r a n t o t h e j e e p c a r r y i n g t h e d o g . B u t i n s t e a d o f d r i v i n g o u t t h e gates, K o j u t o o k the track to the back p a d d o c k of the farm near Mornat's camp. ' W h a t are y o u d o i n g ? ' I s c r e a m e d at t h e m . ' W e h a v e t o g e t h i m t o t h e hospital.' T h e y d u g t h e h o l e a n d i n s i d e it p l a c e d Zali's collar, lead, f o o d b o w l a n d b l a n k e t . K o j u m a d e m e l o w e r t h e d o g . M o r n a t filled t h e h o l e . K o j u lit s o m e i n c e n s e . M o r n a t t r i e d t o c o m f o r t m e b y saying t h a t this w a s B h a g w a n ' s w i l l b u t I w a s h a r d l y a w a r e o f h i m . M y h y s t e r i a h a d little t o d o w i t h t h e dog's d e a t h . It w a s t h a t t h e w r e t c h e d n e s s , disgust a n d p r o t e s t I h a d c o n t r o l l e d for so l o n g h a d found a vent. T h e j o u r n e y w a s over.

Coda T h r e e y e a r s h a v e passed s i n c e t h e n . I 'live' i n E n g l a n d b u t w h e n ­ e v e r I ' m t h e r e for t o o l o n g I find m y s e l f l o n g i n g for t h a t o t h e r place, those o t h e r people, and I r e t u r n t o India. I have m e l l o w e d t o w a r d s it i n p r o p o r t i o n t o t h e n e w u n d e r s t a n d i n g s I h a v e g a i n e d a n d , p e r h a p s , as m y life t h e r e has b e c o m e m o r e c o m f o r t a b l e . I r e m e m b e r t h e a n g e r a n d distress b u t as if t h e y b e l o n g e d t o s o m e ­ o n e else. A n d w i t h t h e r e t u r n o f h e a l t h I d i s c o v e r e d t h a t t h e m e n o p a u s e h a d b e e n a false a l a r m , so I still h a v e t h a t t o l o o k f o r w a r d to. K o j u has r i s e n i n t h e r a n k s a n d s p e n d s all his m o n e y o n c l o t h e s . H i s g r i n c o n t i n u e s t o d e l i g h t m y days. C h u t r a is w o r k i n g for ' S a h i b ' a n d has i n d e e d b u i l t his m o t h e r a n e w h o u s e . N a t u r a l l y , h e i n h e r i t e d M o m a l w h o t e r r o r i z e s t h e w h o l e village. W e rarely see e a c h o t h e r w h i c h m e a n s t h a t w e c a n afford t o like e a c h o t h e r . M o r n a t ' s p e o p l e have b e g u n w o r k i n g o n t h e farm. T h e y

are

s e c u r e a n d m a k i n g m o n e y . K h a n j i , t h e g e n i u s , is h o p i n g

to

b e c o m e a politician. I have m a d e m a n y n e w friends a n d t h r o u g h t h e m I h a v e d i s c o v e r e d a h o s t o f n e w I n d i a s , Indias I h a d n o t k n o w n e x i s t e d . W i t h e a c h r e t u r n I discover a n e w o n e w h i c h c o n t a i n s m e m o r i e s o f t h e p r e v i o u s o n e s , fixed, like p r o p s , f r o m t h e t h e a t r e o f t h e past. F o r a l o n g t i m e I c o u l d n o t see h o w t o w r i t e a b o u t m y e x p e r i ­ e n c e s . T h e y w e r e n o t h i n g b u t a series o f d i s c o n n e c t e d e v e n t s , w i t h o u t s h a p e , w i t h o u t m e a n i n g . I h a d passed t h r o u g h I n d i a as a k n i f e d o e s t h r o u g h i c e a n d it h a d c l o s e d b e h i n d m e at e v e r y step. H o w d o e s o n e w r i t e a b o u t failure? A n d m y i n n e r c e n s o r w a s w o r k i n g o v e r t i m e . T h e day after t h e d o g died, I h a d r e t u r n e d to D e l h i a n d N a r e n d r a . I was m o r e than a 275

little u n b a l a n c e d a n d k n e w t h a t a b o v e all I n e e d e d t o talk, n e e d e d to find a s o u n d i n g - b o a r d of l i k e - m i n d e d people. F r o m t h e m I w o u l d b e able t o find a f r a m e o f u n d e r s t a n d i n g for w h a t I w a s feeling. B e c a u s e they would

understand.

I invited an acquaintance to dinner a n d h e b r o u g h t a friend. N i c e m e n — d e c e n t , liberal m e n . I h a d n o t h a d a n y a l c o h o l i n m o n t h s a n d d r a n k t h e I n d i a n c h a m p a g n e like w a t e r . T h a t w a s a mistake. I was bursting to speak b u t the politeness of t h e evening left n o c h i n k s . N a r e n d r a , as always, p e r c e i v e d m y state o f m i n d a n d e v e r y t e n m i n u t e s o r so e n d e a v o u r e d t o b r i n g m e i n t o t h e c o n v e r s a ­ t i o n . B u t t h e guests s e e m e d t o exist o n a different

wavelength.

T h e y w e r e l a u g h i n g , j o k i n g , as if t h e w o r l d o u t s i d e t h e gates w e r e n o t hell. T h e y v i e w e d that w o r l d , they h a d intellectual a n d politi­ cal o p i n i o n s a b o u t it, b u t t h e y d i d n o t live i n it. I d o n o t r e m e m ­ b e r w h a t I said, o r h o w I said it, b u t it s o o n b e c a m e a p p a r e n t t o t h e m that they had a m a d w o m a n o n their hands and they were bewildered. In m y incoherence I chose the example of the w o m a n o f P i p a l a w h o h a d a l m o s t d i e d i n c h i l d b i r t h w i t h w h i c h t o express m y anger. T h e s e c o n d g u e s t t o o k i m m e d i a t e offence. H e spat o u t , ' O u r I n d i a n w o m e n h a v e b e e n h a v i n g t h e i r c h i l d r e n i n villages forever. W e don't n e e d y o u r Christian compassion.' To w h i c h I m i g h t have replied that I did n o t t h i n k the capacity to i m a g i n e another's state w a s l i m i t e d t o C h r i s t i a n i t y , b u t w a s r a t h e r a u n i v e r s a l h u m a n p h e n o m e n o n . I n a n y case, it w a s n ' t c o m p a s s i o n I felt b u t w h i t e h o t r a g e . B u t I d i d n o t say so. I s h u t u p b e c a u s e I u n d e r s t o o d , w i t h s u d d e n a n d a p p a l l i n g clarity, t h a t w h a t h e saw w h e n h e l o o k e d at m e was m y whiteness. I was n o r t h , h e was south. I was w h i t e , h e w a s b l a c k . I w a s t h e c o l o n i z e r , h e t h e c o l o n i z e d . A n d w h a t I saw, w h e n I l o o k e d at h i m , w a s a n e x a m p l e par excellence o f t h e effete D e l h i i n t e l l e c t u a l w h o h a d n e v e r w a l k e d m o r e t h a n fifty yards i n his life, w h o h a d servants t o c a t e r t o his e v e r y n e e d , a n d w h o s e w i f e d i d n o t b e a r h e r c h i l d r e n o n t h e floors o f h u t s

without

m i d w i f e o r d o c t o r . T h i s m a n w a s as a l i e n t o Pipala as I w a s . B u t at least I h a d b e e n t h e r e . W h e n t h e s e c o n d g u e s t left, h e said, w i t h all t h e h a u g h t i n e s s o f w o u n d e d p r i d e , 'Please a c c e p t m y a p o l o g i e s o n b e h a l f o f m y country.' 276

Failure. T h e e t h i c a l i m p e r a t i v e o f s i d i n g w i t h t h e p o w e r l e s s w a s all v e r y well

but

who

questionings

were

the

powerless?

The

doubts

and

c o n c e r n i n g m y o w n prejudices, m y o w n

selfbeliefs,

m e a n t t h a t i n t h e e n d I felt I h a d n o r i g h t t o say a n y t h i n g . I h a d b e e n deconstructed. B u t dead or n o t the 'subject' had to w r i t e

-

a n d as t r u t h f u l l y as t h e d i s t o r t i o n s o f m e m o r y w o u l d allow. A b o u t t w o y e a r s afterwards, N a r e n d r a a n d I w e n t b a c k

to

K u t c h t o visit m y R a b a r i friends. I h a d p r o m i s e d t h e m a h o l i d a y a n d h a d p l a n n e d t o t a k e t h e m t o M o u n t A b u for a feast. K o j u w o u l d b e t h e r e a n d M o r n a t , a n d C h u t r a t o o , a n d as m a n y o f t h e n e w friends I h a d m a d e as c o u l d c o m e . First w e w e n t t o R a n g k a bhai's village. H e a n d Jasu w e r e t e n d ­ i n g t h e flocks a f e w m i l e s o u t s i d e it. Jasu h a d h a d a s o n a n d R a n g k a w a s n o w a m a n o f i m p o r t a n c e . I n m y m e m o r y o f o u r first meeting, they were strong, powerful, g o o d - l o o k i n g people. N o w I saw, w i t h a s h o c k , h o w t h i n t h e y w e r e , h o w little t h e y h a d — a n d the desolation surrounding t h e m . I had edited the hardship out of memory. R a n g k a c a m e w i t h us i n t h e j e e p t o l o o k for P h a g u ' s d a n g . B u t first w e s t o p p e d at P a r m a ' s h o u s e . T h e I r o n V i r g i n ' s h a n d s s h o o k as she p u l l e d m e t o t h e f l o o r b e s i d e h e r a n d t h e r e w e r e tears i n t h o s e u n s e n t i m e n t a l eyes. ' R a t t i b e n , y o u c a m e all t h e w a y f r o m D e l h i j u s t t o visit us? Y o u c a m e f r o m across t h e sea j u s t t o visit us? W e t h o u g h t y o u w o u l d leave us a n d n e v e r t h i n k o f us again.' ' H o w c o u l d I f o r g e t y o u ? C o m e w i t h m e i n t h e taxi t o t h e dang.' 'I c a n n o t c o m e , R a t t i b e n , b u t after y o u ' v e s e e n P h a g u , c o m e b a c k h e r e a n d live w i t h m e . ' I m e n t i o n e d the proposed trip to M o u n t A b u w h i c h delighted h e r , b u t t h e n she l o o k e d h e s i t a n t . T h a t w o u l d b e a c o m m u n i t y decision. It t o o k a c o u p l e o f days t o find t h e d a n g — a b o u t fifteen c a m p s s p r e a d o u t o v e r g i b b e r s t o n e s . P h a g u ' s first w o r d s t o m e w e r e , ' Y o u ' r e o n l y a y e a r a n d a h a l f late!' A n d t h e r e w e w e r e , as t o n g u e t i e d , shy a n d

grinning

as t e e n a g e r s . I h a d

brought

presents

a n d piles o f p h o t o g r a p h s . A t first t h e y w e r e b e m u s e d b y 277

the

p h o t o g r a p h s , t u r n i n g t h e m u p s i d e d o w n o r sideways. B u t w h e n I p o i n t e d o u t w h o was w h o , there was great excitement. I was t a k e n f r o m c a m p t o c a m p a n d at e v e r y o n e I w a s g r e e t e d b y h u g s a n d t h e i n e v i t a b l e tea. I m u s t h a v e d r u n k f o r t y b o w l s o f t h e stuff t h a t m o r n i n g . G e l o said t h a t if t h e y ' d k n o w n I w a s c o m i n g , t h e y w o u l d have provided C o c a - C o l a to w h i c h they had b e c o m e addicted. H e l a u g h e d . ' W h e n y o u travelled w i t h u s , w e w e r e u n s o p h i s t i ­ c a t e d p e o p l e . N o w w e d r i n k C o c a - C o l a j u s t as t h e p h o r e n do.' W e s p e n t t h e rest o f t h e d a y r e m i n i s c i n g a b o u t m y days o n t h e d a n g . Everyone repeated the j o k e over and over of how, each

time

P h a g u h a d asked m e if I w e r e tired, I w o u l d r e p l y , ' T h b r i si, t h o r i si' (Just a little,just a little). A n d t h e y h e l d t h e i r s t o m a c h s , l a u g h i n g , o r gave m e o n e o f t h o s e affectionate w a l l o p s . T h a t n i g h t I slept o n N a k k i ' s c o t . I h a d f o r g o t t e n w h a t it w a s like t o sleep, o r r a t h e r n o t sleep, o n a c o t . W i t h m e w e r e t h r e e w o m e n and a child. I had a Z - s h a p e d depression in w h i c h t o w e d g e m y b o d y . It w a s i m p o s s i b l e t o m o v e . M y feet s t u c k o u t t h e e n d . T h e w o m e n s n o r e d a n d t h r e w t h e i r a r m s a n d legs across m e . G o a t s j u m p e d o n m e . I f o u n d m y s e l f p u n c h i n g t h e m , j u s t as I h a d always d o n e ; t h e p a t r o l l i n g s h e p h e r d s g i g g l e d at m e , j u s t as t h e y h a d always d o n e . T h e next m o r n i n g Phagu explained that they w o u l d n o t b e able t o c o m e t o M o u n t A b u for t h e h o l i d a y b e c a u s e , 'All m y s o n s , a n d so m a n y o t h e r y o u n g m e n , h a v e h a d t o find o t h e r w o r k . T h e r e is n o f u t u r e for t h e m h e r e . S o t h e r e are o n l y us o l d m e n left t o g u a r d t h e flocks. I w o u l d like t o c o m e w i t h y o u , R a t t i b e n , b u t as y o u see I c a n n o t leave t h e dang.' H o w e v e r , h e e x t r a c t e d a p r o m ­ ise t h a t I w o u l d visit t h e m e v e r y year. It w a s t i m e t o leave. T h e o l d m e n c a m e a n d sat a r o u n d m e i n a circle. It w a s t h e n I k n e w t h a t I really h a d b e e n b r o u g h t i n t o t h e fold b e c a u s e e a c h o f t h o s e stingy o l d bastards t o o k a five r u p e e n o t e f r o m his t u r b a n a n d p l a c e d it i n m y lap. P h a g u p r e s e n t e d m e with a puppy. T w o days later w h e n I h a d said m y farewells t o m y friends i n t h e h o m e village, t o Jaivi a n d P a r m a a n d L a k h m a a n d t h e o t h e r s , R a n g k a t o o k m e aside, clasped m y h a n d s b e t w e e n his a n d said, ' T o , p a r i v a a r h a i n ? ' (Are w e family t h e n ? ) T o w h i c h I r e p l i e d , ' H a m p a r i v a a r t o hain.' 278

I w i l l fulfil m y p r o m i s e t o visit m y 'family' e a c h year, for as l o n g as I a m able, a n d I k n o w t h a t , o n o n e o f t h o s e visits, I w i l l find t h a t P h a g u has d e c i d e d t h a t h e has h a d n o c h o i c e b u t t o sell his

flocks.

And

more

there will be

Coca-Cola, and

television, a n d n o

wandering. R e c e n t l y I was i n D e l h i again. N a r e n d r a h a d i n v i t e d t w o o f o u r friends t o a d i n n e r . I n t h e m i d d l e o f it h e said, ' M y dear, I d i d n o t w a n t t o tell y o u this b e f o r e b e c a u s e I k n e w y o u w o u l d w o r r y . B u t I also k n e w y o u w o u l d find o u t f r o m s o m e w h e r e . I a m telling y o u n o w , w h i l e M o h a n a n d S u m a n are h e r e , so t h e y w i l l h e l p m e t o e x p l a i n why y o u n e e d n o t w o r r y . J u s t b e f o r e y o u a r r i v e d , t h e r e w a s a b i t o f a p r o b l e m at J o d h p u r f a r m . (I already k n e w

that

Narendra had been n a m i n g names in parliament and m y anxiety for his safety h a d r e a c h e d a b s u r d p r o p o r t i o n s . )

He

continued,

' S e v e n h u n d r e d a r m e d p o l i c e e n d e d u p s u r r o u n d i n g m y f a r m as p a r t o f a p o l i t i c a l m o v e t o silence m e . ' M y s t o m a c h fell t o t h e floor.

M o h a n j i l a u g h e d . ' R o b y n j i , if it h a d b e e n seven

armed

p o l i c e , then y o u w o u l d n e e d t o w o r r y ! T h a t it w a s seven h u n d r e d is a k i n d o f c o m p l i m e n t t o h i m . ' M o h a n j i h i m s e l f h a d s p e n t a c o u p l e o f y e a r s i n g a o l d u r i n g t h e E m e r g e n c y . If I asked h i m a b o u t t h a t t i m e , h e dismissed it as u n i m p o r t a n t . It h a d b e e n t h e expected o u t c o m e of taking a certain position. These people ac­ c e p t e d t h a t it w a s s o m e t i m e s n e c e s s a r y t o risk e v e r y t h i n g y o u h a d , i n c l u d i n g y o u r life, for w h a t y o u b e l i e v e d i n . Y o u d i d n ' t talk a b o u t it, it w a s s i m p l y a fact o f e x i s t e n c e . A n d n o w all t h r e e o f t h e m , w i t h a k i n d n e s s a n d g e n e r o s i t y t h a t I have n o t f o u n d in any o t h e r place, w e r e explaining things t o m e , t o l e r a t i n g m y i g n o r a n c e , c a r i n g for m e i n spite o f it, a l l o w i n g m e i n s i d e t h e frame. U n t i l t h a t n i g h t I h a d t h o u g h t t h a t it w a s m y l o v e for N a r e n d r a t h a t c o n n e c t e d m e t o I n d i a . H e , a n d t h e w o r l d h e c r e a t e d , was I n d i a t o m e . B u t after t h a t d i n n e r I u n d e r s t o o d t h a t e v e n if N a r e n ­ d r a w e r e t o d i s a p p e a r f r o m m y life I w o u l d k e e p g o i n g b a c k , t h a t I w o u l d always g o b a c k , t h a t p a r t o f m e , at least, w o u l d w a n t t o b e l o n g there. B e c a u s e w h e r e I c a m e f r o m life w a s n ' t h a r d e n o u g h , o r d a n g e r ­ o u s e n o u g h , t o d e m a n d greatness o f i n d i v i d u a l s . T h e r e , greatness was still possible. 279

B e s i d e s , if t h e b e a u t y I s a w t h a t e v e n i n g o n t h e r i m o f t h e talab — t h e b l u e Aravalli m o u n t a i n s , m o o n l i g h t o n w a t e r , t h e s i l h o u e t t e d b i c y c l e s , t h e fires o f t h e t o y R a b a r i m e n — c o u l d b e b r o k e n d o w n i n t o u g l y e l e m e n t s , t h e n t h e r e v e r s e w a s also t r u e .

(continued

from

front

flap)

She could r e t u r n to comfort and security; for the n o m a d s , it was real life. In this brave and m o v i n g j o u r n e y , R o b y n Davidson travels t h e last pathways of t h e R a b a r i , t h e 'keepers of t h e way', and in so d o i n g explores, w i t h ruthless honesty, h e r o w n desert places. She scours away h e r original vision and finds b e n e a t h b o t h tragedy and h u m a n greatness.

R o b y n Davidson was b o r n in Q u e e n s l a n d and n o w lives in L o n d o n . Tracks, an a c c o u n t of h e r 1,700-mile j o u r n e y across Australia w i t h camels, w o n t h e 1980 T h o m a s C o o k Travel B o o k Award. She is also t h e a u t h o r of the novel Ancestors, w h i c h was short-listed for the Premier's Award, and of a collection of essays, Travelling Light.

Jacket photographs © Dilip Mehta/Contact/Colorific Author photograph by Jillian Edelstein

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P E N G U I N BOOKS LTD Harmondsworth, Middlesex, England

'This is n o ordinary travel b o o k . A remarkable w o m a n , unafraid of discomfort, hardship, even danger, travelled w i t h n o m a d s in Rajasthan for m o n t h s , sharing their lives. This is n o t only an odyssey of e x t r e m e physical and e m o t i o n a l experience, b u t a portrait of a p r o u d and i n d e p e n d e n t people d o o m e d by progress, over-population and a callous g o v e r n m e n t . I w h o l e h e a r t e d l y r e c o m m e n d this m o s t original b o o k ' — Doris Lessing

ISBN

0-670-84077-7