Decisions of the Heart

Decisions of the Heart

By Kiernan Kelly

"Ready for inspection, soldier?" Josh asked, walking in a small circle, hands clenched behind his back, taking stock of his fidgeting recruit with a practiced eye. Starched, white dress shirt, pressed and wrinkle-free, no missing buttons, no stains. Clip-on tie, but it was spotless and straight. Dark blue dress pants with a razor-sharp crease, cuffs just brushing the tops of black, highly polished, dress shoes. Hair combed, nails clean.

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"Teeth brushed?" A nod, and a gap-toothed smile showed him the proof, twin dimples winking in Seth's pink, rounded cheeks. Josh dropped to one knee, opening his arms. "How about one last hug for the old man, then?" Seth flew into Josh's arms, forty pounds of explosive energy wrapped up in a five-and-a-half year old body, small arms wrapping tightly around Josh's neck. He smelled of baby powder and grape jelly. "I don't wanna go to thcool," Seth whispered into Josh's ear. He'd recently lost a front tooth and had gained an endearing lisp. "We've talked about this, champ. Remember? You're a big boy now, and big boys all go to school," Josh said, scooping Seth up. He stretched to his full six-foot, two-inch height, bringing Seth with him, settling him on his hip. "You're a brave soldier, aren't you? Besides, you've already met your teacher, Mrs. Evans, and she seems really nice." Seth gave a nod, but it was accompanied by a sniffle that told another story. "Okay, then," Josh said, choosing to ignore the whimper. "You'll like school, Seth. You'll make lots of friends, and I'll be right there at three o'clock, waiting to pick you up." He was working hard to put Seth at ease, and only hoped his own nervousness didn't show. He truly didn't know who the separation was going to be harder on -- Seth or himself. There's something to be said for home-schooling, he thought. He only wished he was qualified to teach Seth himself and not have to entrust him to the staff of the private school in which Seth had been reluctantly enrolled. "Promise?" "Soldier's honor," Josh said, solemnly. He smiled and gave Seth another tight hug, then set him on his feet. "Get your backpack, kiddo. I packed a lunch for you, and put Mr. Bossy in there, too." Seth looked relieved as he raced to retrieve his backpack from the living room sofa. It was red, Seth's favorite color that month, bought two weeks before in preparation for the big day. Mr. Bossy was the name of the teddy bear Seth had owned since infancy, a patchwork of oncecolorful bits of cloth, now faded to a uniform blue-gray from frequent mishaps and washings. Melanie had made it for him, back when she'd been pregnant and unsure of the baby's sex. Seth slept with it every night, toted it around most of every day. Josh knew having Mr. Bossy in his backpack would help Seth feel less alone. Josh felt the familiar, painful ache he always did when he thought about Melanie, but swallowed hard and shrugged it off. Now wasn't the time to become morose. He needed to stay upbeat, for

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Seth's sake, and drew heavily on his military training to keep any trace of sadness from his voice. Josh knew he couldn't let his heart rule him; he had to let Seth go. At one time, Josh thought he would be a career man, put in his twenty years as a Marine and retire with his pension, but when Melanie died and Seth became his responsibility, everything changed. Josh's second tour was finished shortly afterwards, and he didn't re-up. He needed to be home for Seth, and he'd never regretted his decision, not once in the past five years, even though he'd put everything, including his personal life, on hold. No friends, no dating, no sex. There was only room in his life and heart for Seth. He barely remembered what it was like to have sex. The one thing Josh did have was a good supply of slick in his dresser drawer, and a healthy relationship with his right hand. Josh wrote off his love life the moment the nurse placed Seth in his arms. He was content to be a daddy. There would be plenty of time to date later on, after Seth was grown. At least, that's what he kept telling himself. Sometimes, late at night after Seth had been bathed, read to, tickled, and tucked in, Josh wondered if keeping himself off the market was such a good idea. It would be nice to have someone to talk to about grown-up things, somebody who didn't live for Saturday morning cartoons, or believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. Not to mention sex. Sex would be good, too. Then he'd peek into Seth's bedroom, with its Power Rangers sheets and scattering of toys and plush animals, and see Seth's small blond head resting on his pillow, Mr. Bossy tucked tightly under his arm, and Josh's resolve would renew itself. No, Seth was all he needed, and vice-versa. Anyone else would only complicate their lives. His mind returned to Seth, standing in the living room with his backpack on, Mr. Bossy clutched tightly in his hands. Big blue eyes blinked up at him, frightened and trusting at the same time. He looked just like Melanie at that age, Josh thought with a melancholic twinge. "It's going to be okay, kiddo," Josh said for the umpteenth time that morning. "You'll see. Come on, now. We don't want to be late for our first day." He took Seth's hand, his own large paw swallowing Seth's small, pudgy one, and led him outside to the car. *** Sacred Heart Primary Academy was housed in a low, squat building sitting in the shadow of the church by the same name, surrounded by wide, green, and immaculately-tended lawns. A playground stood to the left, and a grouping of picnic tables were further back, under the canopy of three enormous oak trees.

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A group of women waited on the walkway of the school. Fifteen feet away, an older woman whom Josh recognized as Mrs. Evans, Seth's kindergarten teacher, and a younger one, probably her teacher's assistant, stood sentry at the front doors. There were a dozen children Seth's age milling on the narrow sidewalk between them. Observing them, Josh got the impression of a pack of lionesses facing off against a pair of tigresses, a large litter of defenseless cubs caught between them. The lionesses were bristling, forced to surrender their cubs to the care of the tigresses, and none of them were happy about it. There was only one other man present, a good-looking one with dark hair whom Josh judged to be about his own age. He stood apart, to the side of the women, his hand on the shoulder of a little girl with long brown hair gathered into two neat ponytails. He bent down and whispered in her ear; she giggled and kissed his scruffy cheek. Strength in numbers, Josh thought, heading toward the man and his daughter. He had no wish to get caught between the females, should they decide to attack one another. The man smiled when Josh approached holding Seth by the hand. He nodded toward the women and teachers. "I'm almost a little worried to let her go. They look ready to draw b-l-o-o-d." Josh laughed. "Yeah. I'm Josh Langram, and this is my son, Seth." "Brett Elliott. This is Amanda," he said. Seth and Amanda, like small children are wont to do, immediately sized one another up, and within a few heartbeats Mr. Bossy was having a conversation with Amanda's Barbie doll, the two children completely oblivious to the presence of their fathers. Josh felt a slight wash of relief. At least Seth would have a friendly face in class with him on his first day. "My ex-wife was supposed to bring Amanda today, but she was called to an out-of-town conference. How about you? Where's your wife?" "I'm not married, and Seth's mother passed away." "Oh, man, I'm sorry. When I'm nervous I tend to suffer from foot-in-mouth disease." "Nah, it's okay. You didn't know." Josh lowered his voice to a whisper so the children wouldn't hear. "Seth's mom was my baby sister. She was only sixteen, and wouldn't name the father -which is a good thing, because I would've killed him. She died when Seth was born, and our parents were already gone, so I stepped in. I adopted him later that same year. He's mine, as far as he knows." He wondered what made him spill his guts to a stranger -- he'd told very few people about his true relationship with Seth. Most folks they met assumed Josh was a widower, and he didn't correct them. There'd be time enough for that when Seth was older.

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Maybe he was more starved for adult attention than he'd realized. "That's awesome! I mean that you were willing to take him, not that…aw, crap. There I go again." Josh chuckled at Brett's obvious discomfiture. "Don't sweat it. I understand." He turned worried eyes toward Seth. "I'll have to tell him eventually, but later, when he can understand. He has enough to deal with now, starting school." "Yeah, I guess we all have stuff we need to explain to them when they're older," Brett said quietly. A shadow crossed his handsome face, making Josh wonder what secrets Brett held. It was only there for an instant, just long enough for Josh to notice the worry lines that creased his forehead. Then it was gone, and his hazel eyes brightened. "Hey, I've got an idea! I promised Amanda to take her down to Chucky Cheese after school to celebrate her first day. Why don't you and Seth join us?" At the mention of the words "Chucky Cheese," Seth's head nearly swiveled on his shoulders like an owl's. It was his favorite place to eat -- although he usually spent more time in the ball pit than actually eating anything. Josh grinned. "I think you just made a friend for life," he said to Brett. To Seth, he said, "How about it, buddy? Chucky Cheese sound good to you for tonight?" "Yeth!" Seth nodded vigorously. Mr. Bossy bounced in his arms, and Amanda looked excited to have her new friend join them for dinner as well. "I guess it's settled, then. There's the bell, Seth. Mrs. Evans is waiting for you two," Josh smiled. There was time for a last, quick hug before he and Brett herded Seth and Amanda toward the teachers, where they melted into the small crowd of children. Then they were gone, taken behind the double blue doors to the school, and Josh's chest tightened with a feeling he hadn't felt in a long time. With a start, he realized he was jealous. Mrs. Evans would now have the pleasure of spending the greater part of Seth's day with him, instead of Josh. He suddenly felt robbed of an important part of his life. "It sucks, doesn't it?" Brett said. "It's bad enough that I have to share custody, but now I feel like I'm sharing her three ways instead of just two." "Is it summer vacation, yet?" Brett laughed. "I'll settle for the winter break. At least I have her for Christmas this year." Josh didn't know what prompted him to make the offer, other than he was feeling like an emotional wreck and liked having the company of someone who understood what he was going through. "I'm feeling the deep need for a cup of Starbucks. Want some?" "Sounds good. The closest is the one on the corner of Main and Market. I'll meet you there."

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"See you in a few." ***

Over two over-sized cups of coffee made strong enough to curl hair, Josh learned that Brett was an accountant who worked out of his home. He and his wife had divorced three years ago, and it hadn't been an amicable split. Brett took full blame for it, repeatedly saying his ex was a good woman who deserved better, but Josh heard a trace of bitterness in his voice. "I gave her everything in the divorce, the house, the car, the summer cottage down the shore, alimony and child support, but she didn't even want me to have visitation rights. It got ugly, but in the end I got joint custody." "Everything? Why? I thought this was a community property state?" Josh asked, too curious about why Brett felt the break-up of their marriage was entirely his doing to be subtle. Was it because of an affair? Substance abuse? Was he violent? He didn't seem the type, although Josh knew first impressions often lied. His first thought was that perhaps he shouldn't let Seth get too close to Amanda; his second was a swift mental kick in the pants for jumping to conclusions. "Yeah, I know it is, but there were extenuating circumstances. Listen, I don't know you very well, hell, I don't know you at all, but--" "Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry," Josh said, meaning it. He felt his cheeks heat and sipped his hot coffee to cover his blush. "Guess I have a touch of foot-in-mouth-disease, too." Brett smiled. "Look, it's really no secret. Everyone in town knows. My ex made sure of that during the divorce. She even told the school about me when she registered Amanda, like I was some sort of sexual predator. I'm gay, Josh. I was in the closet for years, two of which were spent married to my ex. I wouldn't even admit it to myself for a long time. I guess I thought having a wife and kids would change me. It didn't, and when I finally couldn't take it anymore and came out, all shit hit the fan. She divorced me, uncontested, of course, and I happily gave her everything -- except Amanda. I wasn't giving my baby girl up without a fight." "Ouch," Josh said, eyes popping open in surprise. That was the last thing he'd expected to hear. "Listen, you won't hold this against Amanda, will you? A lot of people in town have given me the cold shoulder since I came out. I can deal with that, but some of them filtered their prejudices down to their kids. She had a rough time in preschool, enough so that my wife tried to take me back to court over it." Brett looked worried, and Josh felt incredibly sad for him. He was trying his best to be a good dad, but small-minded people were making it difficult. "You don't need to worry about that from me," Josh said, and then snapped his mouth shut like a bear trap. He concentrated on his cup of coffee rather than meet Brett's eyes. He'd almost come out to Brett, just like that, as if it wasn't one of the biggest secrets in his life. Josh was gay, but very few people knew it. He always felt the need to be careful, particularly

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while he was in the Marines. Afterward, he'd given up any semblance of a social life in favor of staying home with Seth, and hadn't felt the need to tell anybody. Brett grinned, looking relieved. "Thanks, man. I appreciate it." They sat in silence for a few minutes, each sipping their coffee and lost in their own thoughts. "You have anybody now? A boyfriend, I mean," Josh asked softly, his dark blue eyes looking at Brett over the rim of his cup. He didn't know why he asked -- it just popped out, and once he had, he couldn't very well snatch it back. Besides…he wanted to know. "No. I didn't want to risk my ex finding out I was seeing anyone. That's all I'd need. She'd have my ass back in court before I could zip up my pants." "Doesn't sound fair to me. Everyone loves somebody sometime, as the song goes." "Yeah, I hear that. She's remarried, but I guess she doesn't think I deserve the same happiness, not that I blame her. I did screw with her life, after all. What about you?" Josh shook his head, feeling an odd sense of relief that Brett was single, and tried to shake it off. He certainly wasn't looking for a relationship. Neither one of them needed the hassles or complications, but still…he smiled and picked up his empty cup. "Refill?" he asked, reaching for Brett's cup. "Sure, thanks. Better make it a decaf this time. I'm already jazzed. Any more caffeine and I'll be bouncing." Josh found the thought of Brett bouncing to be seriously distracting, particularly since, in his mind's eye, Brett was naked while doing it, and he immediately chastised himself for letting his thoughts stray in that direction. One part of him screamed for companionship, for the comfort another living body could provide, but another part of him, the part that was still a Marine and used to self-sacrifice, insisted he was an idiot for even contemplating listening to the first part. His frog voice bellowed inside his head. Bad idea, bad. Get it out of your head right now, mister. Brett's a nice guy, somebody who's just as lonely as you are, but nothing -- repeat nothing -- is going to happen between you other than a possible play date for the kids. His newfound happiness fizzled out, his step heavy as he went to get the refills. *** A month and a half later, Josh and Brett were meeting for the sixth Saturday in a row. It was Brett's turn to host the play date, and he'd told Josh to plan on staying for dinner. Nothing fancy, he'd said, a backyard barbeque. "We'll throw a few burgers on the grill, and toss a salad."

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Josh brought a cherry pie and ice cream for the kids and a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon for himself and Brett. No sooner had Brett opened the door than Amanda grabbed Seth's arm and the two of them disappeared into her bedroom, from which Josh could hear the music from The Lion King playing. He doubted they'd see either of them again before dinnertime. Seth and Amanda had become fast friends since their first day at school, for which Josh would be eternally grateful. Seth needed a friend his own age, and so did Josh. He'd found one in Brett, although it was becoming more and more difficult to convince himself that it was only friendship he felt toward Amanda's father. "Come on in the kitchen," Brett said, holding the door open for Josh. "I was throwing the salad together." Josh handed him the bottle of wine, which Brett clutched to his chest, rolling his eyes in feigned ecstasy. "You've brought ambrosia! Drink of the gods, Bacchus' own label!" He grinned, hamming it up. "Woo-hoo! No grape Kool-Aid for us tonight!" "Yeah, I figured I'd get you drunk and have my wicked--" Josh stopped, suddenly feeling every drop of blood in his head drain into his feet, a sick feeling invade his stomach, and his tongue stick to the roof of his mouth. He dropped his eyes, staring at the toes of his scuffed shoes. Where the Hell did that come from? Are you crazy? What are you doing? Get a grip, soldier, the Marine in his head ordered. "I mean, uh…" He felt Brett stare at him for a minute before he said. "No sweat. Come on, I need to finish the salad, and you can help me with the burgers." He held up the bottle of wine. "Plus, I think we could both use a glass of this." He paused, and Josh felt Brett's eyes boring into his face. "Make that more than one." They worked in silence for a while, both nursing a glass of Cabernet, trying to ignore the wall between them, their earlier, easy camaraderie stifled. By his second glass of wine, Josh decided he couldn't take it anymore. He needed to clear the air, to tell the truth, for better or worse. "Brett," he began, staring into the purplish-red contents of his glass, wishing he could dive in headfirst and not surface again until he was good and drunk. "I--" "Don't, Josh," Brett said quietly, not looking up from the burgers that sizzled on the grill. "It's not necessary, you know? When you're ready, you'll tell me. Until then, we'll just go on being friends, and forget all about it." It was obvious that Brett already knew, or at least suspected. Josh's unplanned innuendo had probably sealed it in Brett's mind. "I don't want to forget about it." Josh realized as soon as he said it that he meant it. It was time. His sexuality was too big a secret to keep between them, particularly since he was growing to have feelings for Brett that went far beyond mere friendship. What those feelings meant, and whether they'd lead to anything was uncertain, but he knew was very attracted to Brett, and the truth had to be told. "I'm gay, Brett. Always have been, knew it early in my teens. I've been

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hiding it for so long -- first in the Marines, and then after Seth was born -- that I've become used to keeping it to myself. I should have told you, man." "Why? I'm glad you didn't. It worked out better this way," Brett said. He took a quick look toward the house, before closing the distance between them. "Before, I would have been thinking with my dick instead of my head. It wouldn't have meant much to either of us, and that would've been hard on the kids. Now, it's different. I've had some time to get to know you, and I really like you, Josh." "Yeah, I like you, too," Josh said softly. His eyes cut toward the back porch, too, looking for any sign of the kids. "But what happens now?" "Now? Now I kiss you, because if I don't, I'm going to bust. Later, we find sitters for the kids and go on a regular date." Josh's cheek hitched in a half smile. "You're asking?" "Hell, yes. You're accepting?" "Hell, yes," Josh echoed. When Brett leaned in, Josh closed his eyes and met him halfway. It had been so long since he'd been kissed that he'd nearly forgotten how wonderful it was, how it sent tingling bolts of electricity to his toes by way of his groin. His body hardened, spurred by no more than the feel of Brett's soft lips pressing against his own. When he opened his eyes again, Brett was smiling at him. "Nice. No, that was better than nice -it was outstanding." He cleared his throat, and worked a finger under the color of his t-shirt, loosening it. "Better get the plates before we end up eating solid charcoal for dinner." Josh grinned -- more because Brett's expression mirrored what he was feeling than the promise of dinner -- and went inside the house to get the plates, silverware, and the kids. The rest of the afternoon was spent watching Seth and Amanda play, eating burgers and drinking the last of the wine, but in a corner of his mind, their kiss replayed over and over again. *** Their first date almost didn't happen. The planned destination was Guido's, a small Italian place in the next town over. It was quite romantic, in a slightly cheesy sort of way -- low lighting, small, intimate tables covered with redand-white checked cloths, wine bottle candles, and an accordion player who knew two songs -"Bella Notte" from Lady and the Tramp and "That's Amore." The problem wasn't the restaurant -- it was getting there. Deciding the kids would be more comfortable being left with a sitter if they were together, Brett had driven Amanda to Josh's house. Mrs. Beatty, an older widow who lived next door to Josh, agreed to serve as the sitter.

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She'd been told Josh and Brett were having a business dinner, but she was a shrewd old woman and Josh suspected she knew the truth. Either way, she agreed, and arrived at the house precisely at six-thirty. Seth knew Mrs. Beatty, but Amanda did not, and the moment Brett made for the door, she burst into tears, clinging to his legs. Once Amanda started, Seth joined in with a sympathetic chorus of his own. Both fathers exchanged a knowing look, both thinking the same thing -- better to postpone a date than possibly cause irreparable separation anxiety in the kids. Luckily for both of them, Mrs. Beatty wouldn't hear of it. The quintessential grandmother, she had the tears dried and smiles on the kids' faces before either Josh or Brett could say the words, "Maybe we should stay home." In practically no time, she had the kids elbow-deep in cookie dough, completely immersed in the serious business of Toll House cookie-making. Josh doubted either one of them was aware of it when he and Brett left. Then Josh's car wouldn't start. It wouldn't even turn over -- the battery was dead, and neither Josh nor Brett had jumper cables. He'd need to call AAA for a jump in the morning, Josh thought, as they climbed into Brett's Suburban. On the way to the restaurant, the Suburban had a blowout. There were a few tense moments as Brett fought the wheel, but he managed to pull over safely. Josh exchanged a sympathetic look with him, and hopped out of the car to help change the tire. The spare was flat. "Do you get the feeling the Fates are conspiring against us?" Josh asked, as they stared forlornly at the misshapen piece of rubber sitting in the tire well in the back of the Suburban. "Nah. Maybe they just want us to starve." Josh's laugh was cut off when Brett suddenly cupped the back of his head and pulled him into a scorching, toe-curling, tongue-lashing kiss. "Whoa," he said when Brett let him up for air. "That was unexpected -- nice, hot, and sweet, but unexpected." "That was proper planning," Brett said with a grin, taking out his cell phone and dialing AAA. "Now, no matter what else happens to us tonight, it's cool, because I already got my goodnight kiss." "I like the way you think." "Somehow, I knew you would."

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By the time they finally got to the restaurant, neither had dinner on his mind. They'd spent an hour waiting for AAA to get there, making out like a pair of horny teenagers in the back of the Suburban. For Josh, it was the first time in years that he'd felt a man's touch. He was hard, aching, needful in a way he'd thought he'd never be again, and if the AAA tow truck had pulled up five minutes later, he was fairly confident he would have come in his pants. Over dessert, rich and decadent tiramisu, Brett broached the subject both had been thinking about, but neither had been willing to voice. "Josh, we have to figure something out. I want you so badly it's painful. You're all I think about lately. Everything I want to do to you, and want you to do to me…it's like having one long, never-ending porn movie playing in my head. I spend half my day walking around with a fucking hard-on. I swear, if I don't get you naked soon, I'm going to lose my mind." Josh smiled around a mouthful of Italian crème. "I know the feeling. How are we supposed to do this? I'm not ready to explain to either Seth or Amanda why their daddies are naked in bed together, if they should walk in on us in the middle of the night." Brett shrugged, and reached over the table to Josh's plate, scooping up a bit of crème on the end of his finger. Josh paused with his fork halfway to his mouth as he watched the tip of Brett's tongue flick out and lazily lick it clean. His action instantly spawned a half-dozen fantasies of Brett's warm, wet tongue in Josh's mind and certain of Josh's body parts -- parts that were suddenly pitching a very noticeable tent in his khakis. "What?" Brett asked, the picture of innocence. "You gonna eat that?" He gestured toward the fork full of dessert frozen in the air halfway to Josh's mouth. Without waiting for Josh's reply, Brett grabbed Josh's wrist and guided the fork between his own lips, letting the tines slide out very slowly. "Mmm, good." "Stop that. You're making me crazy," Josh hissed, shifting in his seat. At this rate, he'd need to wrap the tablecloth around his waist to hide his erection on the walk out of the restaurant. And that was only if he didn't reenact the famous orgasm scene from When Harry Met Sally, complete with sound effects and "O" faces, first. "I'm not doing anything," Brett said. His lips tilted in a devilishly teasing smile. "You are, too, and you know it." "Yeah, I know," Brett said. "I’m sorry. I just can't help it. Besides, like I said, you've already got me past crazy and halfway to complete meltdown." He sobered, reached across the table and covered Josh's hand with his own, his thumb gently stroking the delicate skin on Josh's inner wrist, making Josh's problem worse. "Maybe I could take a day off from work next week. You and I could run off for a couple of hours while the kids are in school. We'd still have our cell phones in case the school needed us, and we'd be back well before three."

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"How romantic." Josh pulled his hand away, before he got carried away and shoved it under the table and on to his lap. "Got a better idea?" Josh had to admit that he didn't, and that Brett's plan really didn't sound half bad. He sighed in defeat. "Is Monday good for you?" "Honey, it ain't gonna come fast enough." "Let's hope it comes faster than we do, although I'm not making any promises. It's been a while for me," Josh said with a wry grin. "If you want to know the truth, I'm pretty close right now." Brett laughed. "Yeah? Me, too. This flirting thing has been working both ways, my friend. How long has it been for you, if you don't mind my asking?" There was no derision in Brett's eyes, just curiosity. "Just over five years." "Years? Five years? Holy shit, Josh! That practically qualifies you for the priesthood!" Josh laughed and nodded. His dick pressed against his zipper like a stone obelisk, his balls swollen and uncomfortable. He squirmed a little in his seat and tried to discreetly adjust himself. It was a bad idea. His fingers brushing along his hard length only made matters worse. "Yeah, me, too," Brett said, chuckling. Josh saw his hand slip under the table, and knew he was doing the same thing. "We're going to look like a pair of perverts walking out of here, you know." "You go first, and I'll walk behind you. No one will notice me because they'll all be looking at you," Josh teased. "No way. We walk side-by-side. If I have to march through the restaurant sporting wood, so do you, pal." That's what you think, Josh thought, grinning. Josh casually un-tucked his shirt and let the tail fall to cover his crotch, hiding his visible bulge from view. Brett wore a golf shirt that wasn't long enough to cover his goods, and he cursed every step of the way out of the restaurant, much to Josh's amusement. Served him right for all the teasing he'd done. *** As it turned out, their Monday date didn't happen at all. Seth woke up with a fever, his cheeks spotted bright red. A trip to the pediatrician confirmed nothing more serious than a cold, but Josh

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refused to entertain the thought of leaving him with Mrs. Beatty while he was sick. He called Brett and regretfully canceled their planned Monday afternoon tryst. Josh kept Seth out of school for most of the week, until he was certain Seth was over the worst of it. By then, the weekend loomed, and Josh and Brett again made plans with Mrs. Beatty to babysit on Saturday night. This time, there was no restaurant in their plans, although they didn't enlighten Mrs. Beatty of that fact. Dinner was to be room service, eaten in bed in their room at a Marriott hotel several towns over. Of course, they wouldn't be spending the night, but the Marriott had express checkout, which meant they could use the television in their room to check out after a few hours, and not need to make excuses to the front desk personnel. It felt odd to Josh, even though he'd thought of little else since he and Brett had made their plans. He stood inside the hotel room, trying not to stare at the big, king-sized bed that dominated it. It was too fucking tempting, and just a little scary to boot. Maybe this is a mistake, he told himself. It's been too long…what if I disappoint him? He swallowed hard and forced his attention to the large picture window and its view of the highway. Josh was fully aware that they were in the room for one reason only -- to have sex and lots of it, as hot and sweaty and loud as they could make it, and as many times as they could possibly squeeze into five or six hours. He'd been looking forward to it, dreaming about it for the past two days, but suddenly, hearing Brett bolt the door closed behind them, their plan seemed very cold and clinical to him. Then Brett's arms wrapped around his waist, his hard body pressing against Josh's back, lips teasing his neck, and suddenly, for the life of him, Josh couldn't remember why he'd been less than enthusiastic a moment ago. He could smell the peppermint Lifesaver Brett had eaten, and the warm, woodsy smell of his cologne. "Man, I've been looking forward to this for days, and you have too many fucking clothes on," Brett whispered against the back of his neck. Fingers pulled at the buttons of Josh's shirt, urgently, clumsily. Josh had to force himself to bat them away -- he needed the shirt to go home in. Mrs. Beatty would think he'd been mugged or in an accident, and he really didn't want to have to come up with an excuse for it hanging open because of missing buttons. He turned in Brett's arms to face him. "I'll do it, thanks, and it seems to me you're a little overdressed for the occasion, too." "A problem that's easily corrected," Brett said, grinning. He stripped out of his T-shirt, revealing a broad chest, muscles moving fluidly under the skin. A thick swath of hair covered it, narrowing to a treasure trail that disappeared beneath the waistband of his pants -- for the moment. Then he shed the pants, too, and his underwear. His cock was fully erect, pointing toward Josh's groin like the needle of a compass pointing north. Brett's body mesmerized Josh: hard, sculpted in a way only someone who had a close, loving relationship with exercise could have, manly and hairy and utterly sexy.

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"Not that I don't appreciate the hungry look you're giving me, but it would be nice to see some of your skin, too, you know." Josh suddenly realized he'd been so caught up in staring, standing with his mouth hanging open, that he'd forgotten what he was doing. He hadn't taken a single stitch off -- his fingers remained frozen on the second button of his shirt. All he'd been aware of was Brett's body, and his own cock, stiffening and pulsing, and insisting he set it free. He acquiesced quickly, hustling to remove his clothes, and breathed a sigh of relief when he kicked off his pants and underwear, the chilled air of the room cooling the hot flesh of his dick. "Oh, man…that is so pretty," Brett breathed, touching a finger to the tip of Josh's cock. Josh drew in a deep ragged breath. Brett's gentle almost-not-there touch served to ratchet his need up to nuclear. "Brett. Need. Bad," he said, too far gone to formulate complete sentences. All he knew was that he wanted more than just a finger touching him; he wanted Brett's hands all over him, his mouth, his body, and he wanted it now. "Gonna take the edge off, both me and you. Then we'll get to play," Brett said, looking flushed and very needful himself. He dropped to his knees in front of Josh and wrapped his hand around the length of Josh's prick. The moment Brett's lips closed over the head of Josh's cock, it was all over. His stomach clenched and he shot, crying out almost in surprise, hips pumping erratically. Absently, he realized what the warm wetness was on his feet. Brett had come at the same time, maybe even a heartbeat before, painting Josh's toes with splashes of white. Brett stood up, looking pleased and flushed. He slipped a hand behind Josh's neck, pulling him in for a long, leisurely kiss, flavored with peppermint Lifesavers and semen. "Good. Fast, but good. Food now." Josh laughed at Brett's inability to speak in full sentences. He felt the same, suddenly sleepy and sated and starving. He padded into the bathroom and cleaned up, returning with a hand towel, which he tossed to Brett, who sat at the small table near the windows perusing the room service menu. They decided on the salmon, and blackberry cobbler for dessert, and while Brett placed the order, Josh called home to check on the kids. "The lovelies are fine," Mrs. Beatty informed him. "We've made cookies, and they've eaten dinner. Right now, we're playing Candyland. I'm stuck in the Molasses Swamp." Josh heard Seth and Amanda squealing with laughter in the background, and felt his lips curve into a relieved smile. "Thanks, Mrs. Beatty."

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"Not a problem, dear. I was young once, too, you know. I know how it can be with little ones afoot. Have a good time!" She said goodbye and hung up, leaving Josh staring at the phone in his hand. "What's wrong?" Brett asked, looking concerned. "Nothing, really. The kids are fine. I just think Mrs. Beatty is a lot sharper than we gave her credit for." "She sound okay with it?" "Surprisingly, yes. Told us to have a good time." Brett grinned. "I intend to. Already am, as a matter of fact." Josh returned his smile. "Yeah, me too." He sat on the edge of the bed and Brett joined him, lips first. Things between them grew hot and intense very quickly, despite Brett's plan to take the edge off, so much so that they almost missed room service's knock at the door. Both men flew off the bed. Josh ducked into the bathroom, leaving Brett to struggle into his pants, answer the door, and sign for the food. He took the opportunity to splash some cold water on his face, and pull himself back together. He was determined to go slow the second time, to really enjoy the experience, since he had no idea how soon -- or if -- they'd be doing this again. "Come out, come out, wherever you are!" Brett sang from outside the bathroom door, rapping on it. "Food's waiting and so am I." Josh grinned, stepping out of the bathroom. Brett was leaning over the small table, removing the silver covers from their dishes. He'd shed his pants again, and his firm, round ass, dusted with dark hair, looked much tastier to Josh than anything that could possibly be on the plates. Josh's body, which he'd so recently been able to bring back under control, sprung free from his leash, tightening and burning all over again with a deep, aching need. Oh, fuck it, he thought. We can always grab some Mickey D's on the way home. He walked up behind Brett, and snaked his arms around Brett's waist. Josh's cock rubbed over the crack of Brett's ass as he gently rocked his hips. "Oh, no fair, man. I thought we were going to eat first." "I plan on it," Josh whispered, his voice grown husky. He kissed Brett's shoulder, his lips pecking a path across the silken skin. "Just not what's on plates. Let me ask you a question, Brett. Exactly how hungry are you?" Brett's head hung low, his back arching his ass up toward Josh's groin. "I'm starving, but strangely, not for salmon." He straightened and turned toward Josh, wrapping his arms around him, kissing him deeply as he pushed Josh back toward the bed.

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The moment Josh's back touched the mattress, the tight control he'd kept over himself for the past five years exploded violently, releasing all the pent-up tension in a searing blast of need. His kisses grew sloppy and wet, his tongue sweeping Brett's mouth and fighting with Brett's for dominance. He wanted, and he wanted now, and finally there were no obstacles, no interruptions, nothing to keep him from it. He rolled them over, straddling Brett's thighs. Licking a path down along Brett's throat to his chest, he forced himself to take a few minutes worrying Brett's nipples with his fingers and tongue. He could feel Brett's cock, hard and leaking, against his stomach, smell his musky arousal mixing with the scent of his cologne. The combination drew a moan from Josh's throat as his tongue followed Brett's happy trail to his groin and the prize Josh had fantasized about for weeks. Brett's cock was shorter than Josh's, but thick, with a fat, rosy head glistening with precome. Josh didn't taste, didn't tease; he devoured Brett whole, sliding his lips over the head of Brett's dick and down to the root. His nose brushed Brett's pubic hair, the smell of man filling his senses. He sucked hard, cheeks hollowing with the effort, Brett's hoarse cry ringing like music in his ears. "Oh, sweet fuck, Josh! Fuck, yeah!" Brett's voice sounded strangled, as if Josh's mouth had him in a chokehold, via his dick. He redoubled his efforts, encouraged, tonguing the tip of Brett's cock before taking in his entire length again. He swallowed, his throat muscles massaging the tender skin of Brett's iron-hard shaft, bringing another cry from Brett's lips, begging for more. Josh looked up at Brett's face as his tongue licked a slow, leisurely path from Brett's balls to the head of his cock. "I want in, Brett. Want inside you." "Fuck, yeah," Brett said breathlessly. He gestured vaguely toward the nightstand. "Stuff's over there. Hurry up!" His hand stroked himself, keeping his cock hard as Josh scooted off him and grabbed a condom and tube of slick from the nightstand. He tore the small, square package open with his teeth and sheathed his cock in latex. Brett rolled over onto his hands and knees, and Josh stilled a moment, transfixed by the sight the small brown hole winking at him from between Brett's asscheeks. It was going to be a test of endurance, he realized, to keep from coming the moment he sunk his cock into that tight little hole. He feared for a moment that he wasn't up to the task, that he'd fuck it up by coming too soon. Swallowing hard, he positioned himself behind Brett, squeezing a healthy dollop of lube onto both his cock and Brett's hole. He spread the lube over his prick, using his fingers to work it into Brett's ass. Brett's moan echoed Josh's as he slipped his finger inside, the tight ring of muscle contracting, squeezing his finger. He couldn't wait, just couldn't. Aligning the head of his cock, he slowly pushed inside Brett's body, his hand massaging the small of Brett's back comfortingly. "Fuck! You're so tight!" he hissed, eyes squeezing shut against the pleasure that rocketed through him.

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Brett answered him with an unintelligible groan, pushing back against Josh's length, until he was buried inside him to the hilt. "Move, Josh. For God's sake, move! I'm almost fucking there already!" "Want it to last," Josh answered throatily. He did, although he doubted he could make good on his word. Not with Brett's body contracting around him, squeezing the come out of him. He began to slowly thrust his hips, wanting to draw it out, make it memorable, but Brett had other ideas. He began to rock backwards, trying to encourage Josh to move faster, fuck him harder. He couldn't stand against the double assault of Brett's hoarse orders and his own body's rising insistence that he obey Brett's plaintive cries for, "More, goddamn it! More!" He picked up the pace until his hips were slapping Brett's ass, his swollen balls banging against the soft flesh. "Gonna come, Brett!" he yelped, as the beginnings of his orgasm roiled up and overflowed, sizzling through his body at the speed of light. His muscles tightened, and he threw his head back, a harsh cry stifled behind his gritted teeth. "Fuck, yeah!" Brett growled from beneath him, his hand a blur beneath his belly as he milked his cock, painting the comforter with his come. It was over, again, far more quickly than Josh would have liked, but at the same time, it had been the best sex Josh could recall having. He didn't know if it was just because it had been so long since the last time, or if it had to do with the fact that he cared about Brett. He wanted to believe the latter, and he slipped free from Brett's body, leaning in for a long, soft kiss. "That was phenomenal," he whispered, smiling. Brett nodded then sprawled on his back next to Josh, grinning goofily at the ceiling. "I'm going to walk funny for a week, you know. Shit, that's some heavy equipment you got there." "Sorry. Did I hurt you too badly?" Josh asked, a frown creasing his forehead. Causing Brett pain was the last thing he'd wanted to do. "Hon, that's the kind of pain a guy could get used to. I haven't come like that in…God, I don't know how long. Twice in less than two hours? I feel like I'm fucking eighteen again!" Brett grinned. Josh, feeling relieved, reached for another kiss. "So…how often do you think Mrs. Beatty would mind watching the kids?" Josh sighed, slipping an arm under Brett's shoulder, pulling him close. They were both slick with sweat, the room smelled of their sex, and he was feeling more relaxed than he could recall feeling in a good long while. "We can't do this every week, you know. The kids want our attention, too. We're going to have to work something else out."

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"Any ideas?" Josh shook his head, and sighed again. He sat up, slipping the condom off his dick. "Not at them moment," he lied. He did have an idea, in fact, but worried that it was too soon, and that it might cause them both more trouble than they were willing to deal with. He pushed the thought to the back of his mind, deciding to think for the moment with his stomach instead of his head. "I'm starving. Come on, let's clean up and see if the salmon is still edible. If not, we can duck out of here and grab a couple of burgers on the way home." *** Two months later found Brett and Josh sitting side-by-side on the sofa in Josh's living room, staring at the Christmas tree, sharing glasses of Cabernet Sauvignon. The kids were asleep, Seth in his room, and Amanda in the guest bedroom. The living room looked like a wrapping paper factory had exploded in it. There were shreds of colorful paper everywhere, curls of ribbon lying across the carpet like slender, glittery snakes. Piles of boxes were scattered in teetering stacks under the tree. They'd opened their presents early that day, spending the rest of it cooking and eating a wonderful Christmas dinner, then watching holiday cartoons with the kids. "Jesus, what a mess. I'm too exhausted to clean up now -- it'll have to wait until morning. It was a great day, though," Brett said, taking a sip of his wine. Josh nodded, but his real thoughts were miles away from the mess in the living room. Over the past two months, they'd begun to have periodic "sleepovers." They'd always waited until well after the kids were asleep before going to bed themselves, and set their alarm clocks for the asscrack of dawn so that they'd be awake, dressed, and out of the bedroom before Seth or Amanda woke up. It was getting old fast. It was time, Josh thought. He was tired of seeing Brett part-time. He wanted more. "Brett? I have another present for you," Josh said softly, turning to look at him. He took the wine glass from Brett's hand, and placed them both on the coffee table before digging into his pocket. He withdrew a small, flat package, no bigger than this thumb, wrapped in shiny gold paper and tied with a thin ribbon. "What? You already gave me enough, Josh. The sweater, the jeans, the cologne, the new software for my computer…" "Just open it," Josh said, pressing the package into Brett's hand. Brett shook his head, but smiled, working the tiny ribbon loose. He unfolded the paper, revealing a small, brass key. "What this for?"

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"It's the key to my house…our house. I want you and Amanda to move in with Seth and me." Brett's eyes grew wide. "Oh, my God, Josh. Are you sure? Have you thought this through? I mean…" "I know, I know. We can't come out, not with Seth and Amanda still in Sacred Heart, and your ex-wife breathing fire down our backs, but I want to see you more. I hate saying goodnight to you, knowing you have to leave. I want you here. I love Amanda, and Seth loves you both. You belong here with us." Brett's eyes misted, mirroring Josh's feelings, and his fingers closed over the key. "What will we tell the kids? The school? Everybody?" "We can blame it on finances, and say we made the decision to share expenses, and child care. My house is closer to the school, and in a better neighborhood than your apartment. My job takes me away a lot; you work from home, so you'd be around in case there was an emergency. We'll just say it was a prudent move for all those reasons." "You've got it all figured out, huh?" "You bet. Brett, I love you." The words were out before Josh even realized he was going to say them, but once he did, he knew it was true. His fingers traced the curve of Brett's jaw, and he leaned in for a soft kiss. "Love you, too," Brett whispered. "Are you sure this is what you want?" "Oh, I'm sure. I want us to be a family." Brett nodded, slipping the key into his breast pocket, and reaching for Josh. Josh melted against him, losing himself in Brett's taste and the feel of his muscular arms around him. Josh wasn't worried anymore. In the morning, they'd tell the kids, and after Christmas break, when they went back to school, they'd tell everyone else. They'd still be hiding, still keeping their relationship in the closet, but at least they'd have each other every night. He smiled against Brett's lips, and knew everything was going to be all right. They'd make it work. The four of them would be a family. It was what their hearts wanted.

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Decisions of the Heart Copyright © 2008 by Kiernan Kelly All rights reserved. No part of this eBook may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For information address Torquere Press, Inc., PO Box 2545, Round Rock, TX 78680 Printed in the United States of America. Torquere Press, Inc.: Sips electronic edition / September 2008 Torquere Press eBooks are published by Torquere Press, Inc., PO Box 2545, Round Rock, TX 78680

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