Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High

Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

Author: Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler Publisher: McGraw-Hill Date of Publication: 2002 ISBN: 0-07-140194-6 Number of Pages: 240 pages

About the Author

The Big Idea Kerry Patterson Kerry Patterson is the Chief Development Officer and Cofounder of VitalSmarts, a global leader in organizational performance and leadership. Kerry began his research into the challenges of developing and maintaining healthy organizations during his doctoral work at Stanford University. He taught at Brigham Young University's Marriott School of Management and then cofounded Interact Performance Systems. Kerry has coauthored The Balancing Act: Mastering the Competing Demands of Leadership and two New York Times bestsellers, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High and Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior. Kerry has won many awards and was a 2004 finalist in t h e E r n s t a n d Yo u n g Entrepreneur of the Year Award.

The term ‘crucial conversation’ evokes images of great statesmen or men of consequence meeting and discussing issues that will shape the world. That sort of interaction is not the kind the authors of this book have in mind; they are concerned with the sort of interactions that happen to everyone. Crucial conversations are defined as discussions between two people where stakes are high, opinions vary and emotions run strong. These are day-to-day occurrences that affect everyone’s lives– in many cases, these are pivotal conversations whose results may be extremely significant. An element of one’s daily routine could be forever altered, for better or for worse. Plus by dealing with even one conversation in a particular way, you determine a pattern of behavior that shows up in all subsequent conversations. This book, the, is the author’s stab at teaching others how to handle– and even master– crucial conversations, and by doing so change their lives.

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Three Billion New Capitalists By Cyde Prestowitz

What's a Crucial Conversation? A crucial conversation is a discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong. People generally choose to at least try to handle this sort of situation as well as they possibly can. Most times, however, they don't do very well at all, for several reasons. " Physiologically, humans are designed to handle stressful situations with fists and feet (and the related hormones and physical reactions), not intelligence and attentiveness. " Most often these sorts of situations come up spontaneously and out of nowhere, and many people cannot come up with more than a knee-jerk response to them. " Many people simply don't know where to start when dealing with these situations. The consequences of either avoiding or messing up one's crucial conversations can be quite severe, as every aspect of people's lives can be affected, from the personal (relationships with loved ones, friends and co-members of interest groups, our health) to the professional (careers and the communities people belong). Learning how to face crucial conversations and how to handle them well is also learning how to influence just about every aspect of people's lives.

Mastering Crucial Conversations The free flow of relevant information is central to every successful conversation. The key to success in conversing is being open and honest in expressing opinions, feelings and theories, willingly sharing views even when the ideas in question are controversial or unpopular. This free flow of meaning is known as dialogue.

How dialogue leads to success l Each of us enters a conversation with different opinions, feelings, experiences, ideas and theories about the topic being discussed. This combination of thoughts and feelings makes up a personal 'pool of meaning'. l People skilled at dialogue try to make it safe for everyone conversing to bring their inputs out into the open - into a 'shared pool'. As the 'shared pool' is added to, it grows. l As this happens, people benefit: as they are exposed to more accurate and relevant information, they make better choices, and people also willingly act on whatever decisions they all make. The pool of shared meaning is the birthplace of synergy.

These dialogue skills are quite easy to spot and moderately easy to learn.

Start with Heart Your own heart, that is. The first step to mastering dialogue is to gain an understanding of oneself. The first principle, therefore, is "Work on me first." If you can't get yourself right, you'll have a hard time getting dialogue right.

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Crucial Conversations By Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler

One of the first steps to doing so is to understand that when faced with a failed conversation, you are far too quick to blame other people. Although in some instances you really are completely innocent of any wrongdoing, this is rarely the case; more often that not, people do something that contributes to the trouble they experience. People who are best at dialogue understand not only this simple fact, but also realize that they're the only person they can work on anyway - the only person you can continually prod and shape (with any degree of success at any rate) is the one you see in the mirror. Skilled people always start with heart. — They begin high-risk discussions with the right motives and stay focused no matter what happens (they stick to their goals and believe that dialogue, no matter the circumstances, is always an option). – They ask themselves, "What does my behavior tell me about what my motives are?” – Then they ask themselves, "What do I want for myself? For others? For the relationship?" – And, finally, "How would I behave if this were what I really wanted?” — They refuse the Sucker's Choice (an either/or choice). – Check to see if you're telling yourself to choose between winning and losing or peace and honesty, for example. – Break free by searching for the "and." – Clarify what you don't want, add that to what you do want, and ask yourself to start looking for healthy options to return to dialogue.

Learn to Look When you get caught up in a crucial conversation, it becomes very difficult to see exactly what's going on and why it's happening. Sometimes, when discussions become stressful, you end up doing the opposite of what works. To break from this cycle, learn to look: — At both content and conditions – You can get so caught up in what you're saying (content) that it can be nearly impossible to pull out of the argument to see what's happening to you and to others (conditions). — For signs that a harmless discussion is transforming into a crucial one – What cues (physical, for example) can you use to recognize that your brain is disengaging and you're moving away from healthy dialogue? — For safety problems. When it's 'safe', you can say anything; when it's 'unsafe', you start to go blind and can't take feedback. — To see if others are moving toward silence or violence – Two unhealthy paths:   Silence - purposefully withholding information from the conversation; done to avoid potential problems. Three forms: a) Masking - understating or selectively showing true opinions

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Crucial Conversations By Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler

(sarcasm and sugar-coating are examples) b) Avoiding - steering away from sensitive topics c) Withdrawing - pulling out of a conversation altogether

  Violence - any verbal strategy done to convince, control or compel others to one's point of view. Three forms: a) Controlling - coercing others to your way of thinking b) Labeling - putting tags on people or ideas so they can be dismissed under a general stereotype or category c) Attacking - moving from winning the argument to making the person suffer — For outbreaks of your Style under Stress - it's imperative to watch for your own behavior and become vigilant self-monitors. Do you use silence or violence when dialogue fails? Are you a masker or avoider, for instance?

Make It Safe When others move to silence or violence, that's the time to step out of the conversation and 'make it safe'. Only if and when safety is restored can you return to the issue at hand and continue the dialogue.

Which condition of safety is at risk? Two conditions of safety exist: — Mutual purpose - others perceive that you are working toward a common goal in the conversation, that you care about their goals, interests and values and vice versa. When purpose is at risk, you end up in debate. — Mutual respect - the continuance condition of dialogue; if respect is taken away, that is all people can think about. When respect is at risk, people become emotional and highly charged.

How exactly we can 'make it safe' There are three hard-hitting skills to employ to do this. — Apologize when appropriate. — Contrast to fix misunderstanding - when others misunderstand either your purpose or intent, use contrasting. Start with what you don't intend or mean, and then explain what you do intend or mean. — Use 'CRIB' to get back to mutual purpose. – Commit to seek mutual purpose - make a public decision to stay in the conversation until you find something that serves everyone. – Recognize the purpose behind the strategy - ask people why they want what they want. – Invent a mutual purpose - see if you can invent a longer-term or higher purpose more motivating than what is keeping you in conflict. – Brainstorm for new strategies to search for a solution for everyone.

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Crucial Conversations By Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler

Master My Stories This chapter shows how to gain control of crucial conversations by learning how to take charge of your emotions. If strong emotions are keeping you stuck in silence or violence, try doing the following:

Retrace your path A story is created when you add meaning to an action you observe. Emotions then enter afterwards. — Try to notice your behavior. Finding yourself moving away from dialogue? Ask yourself what you're really doing. ("Am I in some form of silence or violence?") — Get in touch with your feelings. Learn to accurately identify the emotions behind your story. ("What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?") — Analyze your stories. Question your conclusions; look for other possible explanations behind your story. ("What story is creating these emotions?") — Get back to the facts. Abandon absolute certainty by distinguishing between hard facts and your made-up story. ("What evidence do I have to support this story?") — Watch out for clever stories: Victim ("It's not my fault"), Villain ("It's all your fault") and Helpless ("There's nothing else I can do") stories. These stories are always incomplete: they leave out crucial information about what really happened.

Tell the rest of the story It's important that you do what it takes to tell a useful story - one that creates emotions leading to healthy action, such as dialogue. — You must turn victims into actors, and not pretend not to notice your role in the problem. — You must turn villains into humans, and see them as reasonable, decent and rational. — You must turn the helpless into the able, and ask yourselves what you really want - and, moreover, what you would do right now if you really wanted these results.

STATE My Path So it's come time to open your mouth and share your pool of meaning. When you have a tough message to share, or when you're so sure you're right that you may end up pushing too hard, make sure you do the following: — Share your facts. Start with the least controversial, most persuasive elements from your Path to Action - facts, which are by far the least controversial and the most persuasive. — Tell your story. Explain what you're beginning to conclude based on the facts

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Crucial Conversations By Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler

you shared. — Ask for others' paths. Encourage others to do what you've just done by sharing both their facts and their stories. — Talk tentatively. State your story for what it is, a story - don't disguise it as a fact. — Encourage testing. Make it safe for others to express differing or opposing views by making it clear that you want to hear these views - and mean it.

Explore Others' Paths After telling others what you want to tell them, it's quid pro quo time - time for you to listen to what they have to say in return. Encourage the free flow of meaning and help others leave silence and/or violence behind. It's always best to start with curiosity and patience to help restore safety. Then you can use the four powerful listening skills to help trace the other person's Path to Action to its origins. — — —

—

Ask. Begin by expressing interest in the other person's view or views. Mirror. Increase safety by acknowledging the emotions that people appear to be feeling. (Do this out of respect for them.) Paraphrase. As the other party or parties begin to share part of their story, restate what they're telling you, to show not only that you understand but that it's safe for them to share what they're thinking and feeling. Prime. If the other party or parties are holding back, prime them by taking your best guess at what they may be thinking and feeling and act accordingly.

After this it'll be your turn to talk. As your share your views, remember the ABCs: — Agree when you do agree with the other person/s. — Build. If the others leave something out, agree where you do agree, then point out areas of agreement and add elements left out of the discussion. — Compare. If and when you do differ significantly, don't suggest that the other/s is/are wrong. Compare the two views.

Move to Action Now that you know how to have successful crucial conversations, transform them into great decisions. Separate dialogue from decision-making (just because everyone is allowed to share their meaning doesn't mean that all are guaranteed part in making decisions) and avoid inaction.

Decide how to decide Four methods of decision-making: — Command - decisions are made without involving others and their inputs. — Consult - input is gathered from the group, and a subset of the group makes the decision.

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Crucial Conversations By Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler

— —

Vote - an agreed-upon number sways the decision. Consensus - all the members of the group come to an agreement and Support the final decision.

To choose between the methods, determine who wants to be involved in the decision, who has the expertise to make the best call, who has the authority or influence in any decisions that might be made, and keep in mind that the fewest number of people should be involved as possible while considering the quality of the decision.

Finish clearly Tips to help you finish clearly: — Determine who does what by when. — Make the deliverables crystal-clear. — Set a follow-up time. — Record commitments and follow them up. — Hold people accountable to their promises.

Change Your Life What are the chances of improving something as deeply rooted in your psyches as the way you communicate? It depends, of course, as there are quite a lot of variables affecting your chances. — Crucial conversations aren't always evident; you'll most likely just realize you're in the midst of one. They can come as surprises. — It's almost unfair, but the bigger the deal is, the more emotionally involved you tend to be, and the less likely you will be to bring a newly-acquired skill set into the conversation. Both surprise and emotion make it hard to remember to act in new ways. — Scripts - pre-bundled phrases you use in common conversation - are still another enemy of change and improvement. People use scripts to make things easier when they speak, but they also tend to put them on a sort of mental autopilot. Given these challenges, can people actually change? The answer is, yes people can! Here are four principles for turning ideas into action. — First, master the content. Learn to generate new scripts of your own. — Second, master the skills. Enact these new scripts in a way that is consistent with the supporting principles. It's not at all enough to simply understand a concept; you have to 'walk the talk'. — Third, enhance your motive. You must want to change; you have to care enough about your crucial conversation skills to actually want to do something. — Fourth, watch for cues. To overcome surprise, emotion and old scripts, you have to recognize the call to action. Failure to do so is usually people's biggest obstacle to change.

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