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Access Denied ISBN 9781419911330 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Access Denied Copyright © 2007 Jacqueline Roth Edited by Helen Woodall. Cover art by Nikki Browning. Electronic book Publication October 2007
With the exception of quotes used in reviews, this book may not be reproduced or used in whole or in part by any means existing without written permission from the publisher, Ellora’s Cave Publishing Inc., 1056 Home Avenue, Akron, OH 44310-3502. This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to persons, living or dead, or places, events or locales is purely coincidental. The characters are productions of the authors’ imagination and used fictitiously. Cerridwen Press is an imprint of Ellora’s Cave Publishing, Inc.®
ACCESS DENIED Jacquéline Roth
Dedication For Sean, who loaned me his wit, charm and love of family. Thank you for proving that men like James really do exist. And to the Crones, without your encouragement and support I would never have had the courage to write.
Trademarks Acknowledgement The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of the following wordmarks mentioned in this work of fiction: Clomid: Richardson-Merrell, Inc. Corporation Cujo: Stephen King, copyright 1981 James Bond 007: Danjaq, LLC LTD LIAB Keystone Kops: Uri-Leveque, Carol; Leveque, Gilbert Edward; Barnes, Suzanne Leveque, individuals Tinkerbelle: Disney Enterprises, Inc.
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Prologue “I can’t believe it’s been three months already.” He sat on the edge of the bed staring blankly at his hands. “Time is supposed to be such a constant thing, yet it has moved erratically for us, hasn’t it?” “Yes,” she pressed the folded tunics down into the trunk then gently smiled at him. “At first you thought it couldn’t move fast enough.” “Now I want to slow it down a bit. Just for a few more days,” he said, smiling at her sadly. “No you don’t,” she closed the lid on the silver, metal chest. “You just hate when things change. You hate not knowing what will happen next.” His grin turned rueful. “How is it you know me so well?” She moved over and sat next to him on the bed. “Because you let me.” He slipped his arm around her shoulder and hugged her tightly. “I’m going to miss you, Leah. I’m going to miss you terribly.” She nudged at him with her shoulder. “Only until your next assignment. Once you get it you’ll barely remember my name.” “She won’t be you,” he said sadly. “Which is a good thing for you,” she laughed. “Imagine that horrific scenario. At least you know whoever they send you will be better than me.” His face sobered. “Not really. She may be beautiful, Leah but she won’t be better than you.” “If she’s beautiful she’ll be better in the ways that count,” her voice whispered softly. “It’s only your third assignment, Paul. You’ve plenty of time. You’ll find her. Look how well the Committee matched us for personality. Now you just have to wait for them to get it right in the looks department.” “You make me sound so shallow.” He turned his head away from her. She reached across him and placed her hand over his, “Not shallow, just human.” She stood, keeping hold of his hand. “We’d better go. We’ll be late for the appointments with our life guides if we don’t get moving.” “Leah, what if I said I changed my mind…” She stopped him with a raised hand. “Paul you know you haven’t. You’re just afraid of change, of being alone. You won’t have to be alone for long. Ask to go back into the pool immediately. You could have a new assignment by next week.” “But I can’t see you again for three months,” he pouted.
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“No, you can’t. Those are the rules and you know why they exist. They keep people who can’t accept their rejection from bothering the former assignment when the decision wasn’t mutual.” She patted his cheek. “Once the ban is lifted, however, you owe me a beer.” He hugged her to him wishing for all he was worth that he felt something more than the brotherly affection for her. But he didn’t and they both knew it. They had both known it would be this way from the moment she stepped into his residence rooms for the first time. No, even before that. He had known the minute he had been given her dossier. The minute he had seen her. Keeping hold of his hand she led them out of the second bedroom she had occupied during the three-month assignment. The metal door to the residence slid open and they stepped out into the corridor. Sitting in the office of her life guide she smiled at the woman across from her. Karen was a dear but a bit self-deluded. “You’re sure you wouldn’t like to beat this one to the punch? Go on record as rejecting him?” Leah shook her head. “Paul was a darling. A bit high-maintenance but a darling.” Karen now shook her head and watched her computer screen. The chiming indicated the arrival of a message and she touched the screen. A sad, resigned smile curled her lips. “It’s from Paul’s guide.” “It’s official then,” Leah looked down at her hands. She was surprised by the sadness that suddenly settled over her. She had known from the first day she met Paul that it would come to this. At the end of their three-month assignment, she would be rejected. Just as she had been five times before. “I’m sorry, Leah,” Karen whispered unhappily. “I’m not,” she admitted. Despite the sadness and the weight that came with yet another rejection, she wasn’t sorry. Now Paul would have a chance to meet someone who was perfect for him, someone with whom all the pieces fit. “Was there never a chance with this one?” Karen looked searchingly into her eyes. “No,” Leah admitted. “No. We were well matched as friends but that’s it. Perhaps if he had been farther into the process, if he had been misassigned more often we might have reached some compromise. But Paul is still looking for his princess and has every right to chase that dream as long as he can.” “So he rejected you right from the start?” Karen sighed. Leah nodded. “From the moment he saw my file. From that moment he knew there was no way this was going to work.” “He didn’t even give it a chance.” Bitterness crept into her life guide’s voice. “Don’t fault him, Karen. He was only ever honest, polite and kind. It’s the system that’s at fault. How could you ever have expected someone like him to accept
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assignment to someone like me?” Her green eyes looked down at her hands, where they lay in her lap. “Because appearances aren’t everything,” Karen snapped. “Why can’t these men see that?” Leah shook her head. “Be fair, it’s not only men. How many women come through here rejecting their assignment because he isn’t attractive to them?” “More than I’d care to admit,” the other woman admitted grudgingly. “Building a family unit takes a strong coupling. We all know that. The man and woman must be strong as a couple before they can be strong as a family. That means a relationship that is mutually satisfying on all levels, emotional, spiritual, psychological and physical.” Karen’s eyes narrowed. “That was low, Leah. Using my own words against me.” The small, full-lipped mouth smiled. “Well, I’ve heard it often enough. Five times now? I just thought I’d save you the trouble of having to say it a sixth time.” Karen started to chuckle. “So you’ve come away with one more friend.” Leah nodded. “Well, what do you say we get you back into the pool again right away?” Leah sighed. “I’d rather not. I’d prefer a pass if possible. I’ve never used one and I’d like to sit out this next round if you don’t mind.” Karen looked at her thoughtfully. “We don’t have any residences available at the moment so you’d have to go back into maidel housing.” “That’s fine. The North American-European maidel housing is near the education section anyway. It’s convenient.” “So you want to play the old maid schoolteacher for a while, eh?” Karen’s voice was not unkind but she definitely did not approve. “Just one cycle, please Karen. I just need a bit of time to rest from it all. I’ve been a good girl and have been through five assignments in the past fifteen months. I need a bit of time to recharge that positive attitude you keep harping about,” Leah said soberly. “Right,” the guide conceded. She touched a few more boxes on her screen and then looked back up at the woman before her. “The reception desk will have your paperwork. Three months’ assignment to the NAE maidel house. Then you come back here and we try again.” The round face brightened just a bit. “Thank you, Karen. I really thought I was going to have to fight you on this.” “Just promise me you won’t spend the time moping, getting all negative on me,” the guide said sternly. “I promise. I’ll be back in three months to get my next assignment, rested and downright perky.” Karen smiled. “Well don’t go overboard on me.”
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Chapter One The transports were moving slowly that day. She left the education section and decided she could probably walk to the next transport site faster than the electric trolley would arrive at this one. But it had been a long day. It was the end of the education center’s work week and the children in the intermediate section had been revved up today. She sat on the bench to wait and let herself look about. The low ceilings of the corridors with their flat paneled lights gave her a faint feeling of claustrophobia. She preferred the higher domed ceilings of the public areas. The NAE quadrant atrium was a large hollowed section in the rock that stretched up for over one hundred feet. Railed walkways circled it and the small shops and cafés that lined the walls were the Committee’s attempt to bring something of the life before with them into Sanctuary. The life before. It seemed so long ago though her brain knew it had only been two and a half years. Four years ago the scientists had seen the asteroid coming. Three years ago they had completed excavation of the cavern-riddled Midwestern United States and created Sanctuary. Almost three years ago, she and the others had been brought here and the doors sealed just days before the catastrophe that shook the Earth and would by now have destroyed all life in the world above. Sanctuary was larger than anyone could imagine. The four main sections branched off the center hub. One quadrant was for those from Asia and one quadrant for those from Latin and Hispanic cultures. One was reserved for those from North AmericanEuropean cultures and one for those from Africa. The political fighting had almost destroyed the project from day one. The African nations demanding more room, the Americans and Europeans insisted they were paying for the bulk of the project and therefore would have the lion’s share of decision making. In the end China had pulled out and decided to go it alone. She fervently hoped they had succeeded. The thought of centuries of culture, art and science lost was nothing less than a tragedy. And as it had always been in the time before, those with the money made the rules. Much lip service was paid to the preservation of all human cultures through the tragedy that had destroyed the world they had all known but each day she watched as more and more of the children were assimilated into the dominant culture of Sanctuary. Smaller education centers existed in each of the quadrants but all children were required to attend the main education center through intermediate level schooling. By the time they would return to the secondary education centers, the youngest of the children would be thoroughly indoctrinated. The scientists said they would be here for fifty years, maybe more, before they could venture to the surface at all and it would be a century or more before they could fully inhabit the world above again even with their technology to help. What would be
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left of the unique societies, of the unique heritages of each quadrant by then? Several sociologists had warned that one single human culture would emerge and to her embarrassment, it seemed that hers was determined to win. Not that democracy and the rule of law that had been brought from her world were a bad thing, but there was enough of what had once been called political correctness left in her to make her feel ashamed. The soft humming whir of the trolley announced its pending arrival. Stepping on, she found a seat and willed herself to be patient as the vehicle proceeded slowly along its path. The fluttering in her stomach that had been plaguing her all day increased. She knew what would be waiting for her at the end of this journey. She was not going straight home. She had two appointments that night, the first at the office of her life guide and after she would be meeting Paul for that promised drink. The past three months had moved by too quickly. She stepped into the large waiting room and joined the queue for the main reception window. She spent several minutes trying to lose herself in her book as she inched forward. It wasn’t a book as she remembered them from the Before Time. There were no more paper and ink books, they took up too much space and were a fire hazard. This book was a small data reader with a display screen. By inserting the data disk she could pull up the text. The handheld device had the ability to speak the words as they appeared and many people around her wore earphones. But something about the flat computerized voice drained the magic from the experience. She arrived at the front of the line and gave her name and purpose for being there. She was buzzed through the side door and directed to a waiting room down the hall where she queued up again to sign in for her appointment. She took a seat against one wall between a very pretty young woman and a rather large man. That the man had come directly from his work shift was obvious, as was the fact that that work was very physical. The young woman gave her a sympathetic smile and pressed her hand to her nose. Leah suppressed a smile and nodded. She pulled out her book and tried to read the words. A twisting, scrunching feeling was assaulting her stomach and her head began to hurt. You’ve done this before, she scolded herself. This is nothing new. You’ll go in there and find out who the next man is who will reject you. This will be the seventh. Maybe after this Karen will seriously consider your request for permanent maidel status. This had been foremost on her thoughts these past three months. According to the rules she would be assigned to the maidel unit permanently once she had been rejected a tenth time. After that, the Committee had decided, there was definitely something wrong with you. You were psychologically imbalanced or incapable of forming mature lasting relationships. Committee information vids not so subtly declared such an eventuality as the ultimate shame and disgrace, a failure of their responsibility to all mankind. A wry smile twisted her lips. I’ll bet their Committee never planned for someone like me. I’m perfectly balanced, capable of mature relationships but ugly as hell.
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She was aware of the looks she was receiving from the people around the room. The men particularly. The look no longer hurt her, it only made her feel sad. It was the look that said, “Please God, don’t let them assign me to her.” Her sadness came not from the feelings written clearly on the faces around her but from the knowledge that one man’s prayer would go unanswered. She was about to be assigned to someone. You’re about to make another friend, Leah, she told herself, you’re about to waste someone else’s time and chance. She sat patiently as the young woman, the large man and many others in the room disappeared behind the door, many returning carrying small blue envelopes containing the data disks and residence passes for their new assignments. She wondered if any of them contained her name and information. She wondered where she would land this time. Maybe this time it will be different. She shook off the thought. Foolishness. It was foolish to indulge in such fantasies. Foolish and dangerous. When you wished for the impossible, Leah had told herself time and again, that is when you get hurt. Those times were behind her. When she finally heard her name called she tucked away her book and passed through the door. “Hello Leah,” said the young woman who opened the door smiling at her. “Hello Tania,” she replied, her smile genuine as she greeted the younger woman. “I see you’re getting closer to the happy event.” The young woman rubbed a hand across her swollen abdomen. “Just a couple of months now. Thomas and I are so lucky…” her voice faltered and she dropped her gaze from Leah’s. “Lucky indeed, you found each other on what, your second assignments?” “Yes,” she replied, the small heart-shaped face lifted to hers. Leah smiled warmly at her. “No doubt the next time I pass through you’ll be out on family leave, so I’ll congratulate you again now.” “Thank you,” the young face brightened. “Karen is waiting for you.” Leah nodded and moved down the hall. She begrudged Tania none of her happiness. Someone should be happy. Someone should be building families. It was, after all, job security for her, the more families, the more children, the more teaching. Her days of weeping over the absolute certainty that it would never be so for her were behind her as well. She opened the door to Karen’s office and stepped inside. The brunette looked up at her and smiled. “Leah, come on in. Sit down, you must be exhausted. You came from work?” “Yes and the students were a bit wild today,” she conceded and eased herself into the chair. Karen looked down at the computer screen for a moment and didn’t speak. “Come on, Karen,” Leah sighed. “Let’s get this over with.” “So much for a positive attitude,” the woman across from her muttered.
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“I have a perfectly positive attitude,” she smiled. “I’m perfectly positive I’ll be back here in three months trying to convince you to take me out of the pool permanently.” Karen shook her head. “That is not going to happen. Ten assignments, ten tries Leah. That’s the rule.” Leah shrugged. “The sad part of all this, my friend, is that there are four more men out there whose time you are going to waste then. Time you could be giving them with a serious assignment, one that has a snowball’s chance in hell of succeeding.” “Have you ever considered that this is exactly why none of your assignments work out? Do you even try?” Karen’s voice was sharp. “Yes I have considered it and yes I do try. If my ‘attitude’ was the problem, would I come out of every assignment with a new ‘friend’?” Leah snapped back. She stood up. “Look at my file, Karen. Go ahead, look at it. Look at the exit interviews. I’m a great gal, a real friend and buddy. They love me like a sister. Do you see anyone of them that says I’ve done anything but try?” From somewhere deep inside her anger was bubbling to the surface. “You go into every one of these assignments facing a man who looks like he’s been given a three months’ sentence to share a cell with his worst nightmare. You walk into that time and time again and walk out with the guys telling you they adore you, if it just weren’t for that one little problem…” “Leah…” “Damn it, Karen I do try. Do you think I don’t want this? Do you think I don’t want a family, someone to build a life with, someone who might actually grow to love me?” The anger drained from her and she dropped into her chair. “Just give me my assignment. I’m meeting my last failure for a drink in about a half an hour.” The assignment information lay in the envelope at the bottom of her bag as she sat in the small replica of an Irish pub with Paul. They sat against one wall, her beer left untouched on the table. She watched his handsome, expressive face. Paul was groaning over the missed goal of his favorite football team. Of all the things that had been left behind in the world above, for some reason someone had decided that sports wouldn’t be one of them. Football, or soccer as she had grown up knowing it, basketball and other athletic competitions like swimming, diving and gymnastics had been brought with them. She missed baseball, which had all but been replaced by softball as a “woman’s” sport but would shed not a tear over the loss of boxing and American football. The Committee had deemed these too violent and had made no provisions for them. They hadn’t been banned, they simply were not encouraged. Strange how things the Committee didn’t encourage simply seemed to die out. She sat patiently next to Paul. This was comfortable and familiar. He wouldn’t truly turn his attention to her until the game was over and it was drawing to a close. Her assignment to Paul had been a huge mistake on the part of the Committee. He was stunningly handsome. It had been doomed from the start. She wondered how his last assignment had gone. She wondered about the others as well.
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Stephen had been her first assignment. She saw him at least once a week now that he was permanently partnered with a friend of hers. Number two, Tony had let her know yesterday that he was fairly certain both he and the young woman would ask for reassignment. “That spark burned out quick, ya know what I mean?” he had asked her. She knew what he meant. She doubted Tony would ever find that “spark”, but hoped he would one day realize that it took more than that to make a relationship. But Kevin, number three, had married the girl he had been assigned right after her. And Bryan, number four, had bumped into her yesterday and reminded her that his own trip down the aisle was just days away. “So, did you get your new assignment?” Paul’s voice was falsely casual. She knew him well enough to know he was burning with curiosity. “I did,” she picked up her beer and sipped gingerly. “But let’s talk about you first. Tell me how you’ve been.” He talked for several minutes about his work assignment and friends they had both known. His friends, people she had lost touch with when the assignment ended. “Leah, you haven’t asked about my last assignment.” “I figured you’d tell me when you were ready.” She smiled up at him. “I didn’t take reassignment right way, Leah,” he said seriously. “I got to thinking about what you said, about me not liking to be alone, about me being afraid of change.” She nodded silently, waiting for him to continue. “I figured those weren’t exactly good things. No one should be afraid to be alone, be so afraid of change that they’d… well, I mean no offense Leah but so afraid they’d settle.” She reached out her hand to touch his. “I know what you mean, go on.” “So I decided to wait. I decided to pull out of the pool for one cycle, just like you did. And you know what? I’m glad I did. I don’t mean I had some deep revelation about myself but just that I showed to myself I could do it.” He turned his head slightly, catching her out of the corner of his eye. “I just had to prove to myself and in a way I think to you, that I could do it.” He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a blue envelope. “I got my assignment today. Her name’s Meghan. She’s going to move over to my residence.” Leah smiled at his happiness. “Meghan’s a lovely name.” “She’s pretty,” he nodded. “Not what you’d call beautiful but pretty, cute.” “I’m glad,” she said softly. “Whole thing still makes me feel like a complete heel, Leah.” He looked down at the envelope. “Don’t,” she said as she patted his hand and then withdrew hers. “We all need that special connection, that certain something. We just didn’t have that. It’s not your fault.” He nodded, then looked up at her expectantly. When she didn’t speak he pressed her, “So? What about you? You got your next assignment today, right?” “Yes,” she said simply. 12
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“So what’s he like? Who is he?” “I don’t know,” she admitted. “I haven’t looked yet.” Paul shook his head at her in wonder. “You haven’t looked? How can you not have looked?” She shrugged. “I was in a hurry to get here to see you,” she lied. Paul rolled his eyes but let the lie pass. An hour later she excused herself. “It’s been a very long day. Tomorrow will be even longer, I haven’t actually packed yet.” Paul stood with her. “Take care of yourself, sweetheart.” He hugged her tightly. “If this guy steps one foot out of line, you let me know. I’ll set him to rights.” She assured him she would and stepped out onto the walkway. She had moved several meters down from the entrance to the pub when she stopped and looked out over the railing at the long drop beneath her. A bitter smile twisted her lips. “If this guy steps one foot out of line…” The words played in her head and mixed with others she had heard over the past couple of years. “If this goon ain’t nice to ya’, ya let me know,” Tony had told her. “You tell me if this next guy isn’t good to you and I’ll come teach him some manners.” Stephen had made her promise. Each one of her assignments turned “friend”, had offered the same vow. Even sweet, bookish Kevin had sworn he’d get even with the next assignment if he hurt her. “I’ll hit him where it will hurt,” he had stated grimly. “A few touches of the screen and he’ll find the credits in his account have somehow been lost in cyberspace.” Leah shifted her gaze upwards and watched the people leaning over the rails on the higher walkways. Closing her eyes she listened to the sounds of life around her, the sounds of voices laughing, singing, arguing and shouting. She smiled and began the long walk home.
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Chapter Two James sat staring at the blue envelope. He knew he should open it, find out what fate had in store for him but still it sat there on the glass coffee table. He’d used three passes already and his life guide had refused to grant him a fourth, insisting he needed to get back into the pool. Yes, the dissolution of his marriage had been difficult for him, yes, the first two tries had been unsuccessful but he had sulked long enough. James glared at the envelope as if it were his life guide. What the hell did that guy know? Had his wife run out on him weeks after they had arrived here? No. That guy had been smart enough not to fall in love with a woman who had somehow found out he had been chosen for Sanctuary and decided he was her best chance at survival. He had been stupid. He had married her, they had made the journey to Sanctuary and she had dumped him almost as soon as the doors were sealed. Now here he was, single and expected to accept Committee assignment to some random woman hoping that it would lead to true love and the building of what they so sweetly called a family unit. At first he had listened as the voice deep in him prodded at his mind. Hell, they can’t do any worse at picking them than you did, now can they? Now, after two failed assignments, he knew that yes, they could do worse than he did. Why the hell didn’t they just leave things to find their own way? “This is not a game,” his life guide had admonished him that afternoon. “You may have taken a bohemian approach to your life before but here it’s different. Everything we do must be done to ensure the survival of the human race. We have to grow, be ready to take back our world.” “Just because I was a musician doesn’t mean I led a bohemian life. I held a ’real’ job and real responsibilities too, or did you miss that in your file. And if you were so worried about repopulating the Earth, why didn’t you save more people,” he had shot back. “Our scientists calculated the number of people and the rate of procreation carefully. More people and we would have massive overpopulation problems before we are ready to start cultivating the world above,” the man said frowning at him. There was nothing he could do. There were rules, he had been told time and time again. There were laws that must be obeyed, the price of survival. Now he sat here staring at the blue envelope. With an angry huff he grabbed the envelope and tore it open. There was no new residency pass so at least he would be remaining in his own rooms. She, whoever she was, would be coming here. He’d have to move his stuff out of the second room. Not that he had a lot of stuff just that it tended to spread itself around a great deal. He tipped the envelope on end and the blue data disc slipped out. 14
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He walked over to the desk and tapped the screen on the terminal. Settling down he slipped the disk into the slot at the base of the monitor. After a minute the screen lit up with the life guide logo and prompted him to log in. A few more touches of the screen and he was staring at the dark blue file folder icon. He sat there staring at it, once he touched it, once he opened it, she would become a real person. It would be so much harder to rage at her existence, at his “assignment”, once she became a real person. James drew in a deep breath and touched the icon. The folder tilted, enlarged and opened book-like on his screen. The initial data page appeared. On the left hand side of the screen was the basic information about the woman who would be arriving tomorrow to take up residence. The woman the Committee had assigned to him. The woman they had selected for him as a potential life partner. The data could have proclaimed her a queen, the discoverer of cures to dozens of dread diseases, the writer of best-selling novels, a member of the Committee itself, but none of that would have mattered because James never once looked at the data on the left. His eyes were fixed on the right side of the screen. At the photos. He stood up and ran his hand over his face. This was a joke, right? This was his life guide’s idea of a joke. He knew it wasn’t. The man had no sense of humor. James stood there staring at the figure on the screen. Okay, he wasn’t the greatest looking guy in the world but for piss-sake! The woman who had looked directly into the digital imager was not what James had expected. She was close to his age. Her hair was pulled back from her face at the sides but hung limply in the back as displayed by the rotating, full-length, threedimensional image. Her face was plain and her body… Well, she wasn’t disfigured, he had to admit. She had the correct number of limbs and digits and all in the correct locations. But the grey tunic that covered her body did not hide the fact that her waist was thick. She seemed to be quite short. All in all she was the least attractive woman he had ever seen. Plain. Homely. These words seemed to have been made to describe her. “Jesus, Mary and Joseph,” he groaned. He was being punished. That was it. He was being punished for his stupidity. Punished for the choices he had made years ago. That was the only explanation. “That or I was Jack the Ripper in a previous life,” he snorted derisively. He reached over and hit the off button on the terminal. Wonderful, just wonderful. Ms. Whatever Her Name Was, would be arriving tomorrow afternoon and would be firmly implanted in his home for three months. It was a nightmare. A blasted nightmare.
***** “How did it go?” he asked her, looking up from his portable terminal as she entered. “Pretty much as I expected it to go,” the brunette dropped her bag on the chair by the door and dropped onto the sofa next to him.
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“This is, what? Assignment seven now?” he narrowed his eyes and watched her face closely. “Yeah, it’s her seventh time,” she sighed. “Don’t, Karen,” he cautioned her. “Don’t do it. Don’t get personal with your Leah.” She gave a small snort. “Why do you do that?” he frowned at her. “Every time I mention your Leah, you snort at me or laugh. Why?” “Because believe it or not, my Leah’s name happens to be Leah. Leah Bradley.” She slouched down on the couch and put her feet up on the coffee table. “Harrison, don’t you ever feel guilty? Even a little?” “This is what I mean, Karen, don’t get personal with your Leah. She’s a tool, a device to help us meet our ends and that’s all.” “And screw the fact that we’re robbing her of any chance to be happy? What actually happens when she is rejected the tenth time, which we know she will be?” Harrison sighed and closed his eyes. He lay his head back against the sofa and thought for a minute. Karen might be his life partner but… “This actually came up today in Committee because of your Leah. We don’t have a decision yet.” Karen closed her brown eyes. The twin figures sat side by side lost in their own thoughts. After a moment, Karen spoke. “I can’t help it, Harrison, I like her. She’s exactly what we need her to be and she gives one hundred and ten percent to each assignment. She deserves a real chance to be happy.” The small thin man sighed loudly. “Karen, stop it. This is the Committee’s decision and I expect you to cooperate completely.” He opened his eyes and turned his head to look at the side of her face. “Besides, just focus on the good this is doing. One through five we’re sure of and six looks pretty good. If she can work her magic on this seventh one, we’ll all benefit.” He reached over and patted her hand. “Trust the system, Karen. Trust the Committee.”
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Chapter Three She held the mug in her hands, feeling the warmth seep into her skin. She sat down before the terminal in the common room of the NAE maidel house’s Gamma wing. This place had been her home for three months now. She had enjoyed it. It had been restful. She had known the pressures of the carousel-like assignments had been tiring but she had forgotten how lovely it was to only have to worry about pleasing oneself. And she had this wing almost to herself. Only two others lived here and they did not share her work schedule. Today the common room was hers. The blue envelope sat on the desk before her. She gingerly sipped at the coffee. The only thing she could honestly say she was looking forward to in this pending disaster was once again waking up to real coffee. The stuff dispensed in the maidel house kitchens barely qualified as coffee. Setting the cup down, she flicked on the terminal. She tore one end off the envelope and tipped out the contents. The new residence badge identified her new home as NAE quadrant, Section Red, Level 31, Quarters 26. The designation meant little but it did tell her something about her assignment. He spoke English. She had heard of some people being assigned outside their region as they tallied up more and more failures. There was a good chance he was from the United Kingdom. Red section housing was usually designated for those who had come from that area and it could be a turbulent sector. Nationalists from several countries resented being lumped under the banner of UK, particularly the Irish who took great pains to point out repeatedly that they were not part of the UK. A great many still clung stubbornly to national identities. Leah sighed, she really didn’t see what any of that mattered now. There was no England, no Ireland, no Scotland or Wales. There was no United States or Canada for that matter. Fighting that reality only led to stress and tension and it was a waste of energy. These were not words she’d have spoken out loud. To do so would have been unkind and argumentative. After all, perhaps it gave them something of normalcy to cling to, or perhaps it was just habit. Sighing she picked up the blue disk and slipped it into the drive. She logged in and opened the folder. She glanced at the photo of the man and breathed a sigh of relief. This was no Paul, this was an average-looking man. Perhaps he would respond better. She skimmed the information. Name, James Edwards. Age, 35. Prior occupation, musician. Current work assignment, NAE Health Services. Leah blinked and looked again. Exactly how did a musician get an assignment in the Health Services division? Had he been retrained? Was he a laborer assigned there to clean?
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The remaining information was sparse. It had seemed odd to Leah at her first assignment to be given so little information, but when Karen explained it, it had made sense. If you learned everything up front you would have little to talk about at first. Besides, a complete profile would include very personal information. Information you might not wish to share with someone especially if you were not going to be acquainted for more than a brief assignment. Marital Status. Married to Sarah Donaldson, seven years (deceased). Married to Nina Pruitt, one year (divorced). She frowned. This one had been married twice. This wasn’t good. It would take a brave woman to take this one on. Maybe going in knowing it wasn’t going to be permanent wasn’t such a bad thing this time. She scanned the remaining information. He was born in Scotland but the Before Time residence was listed as London. She took one last look at the face of the man she would be living with for the next three months. His eyes were light brown, almost amber in color and his hair raven black. The face was not unattractive she thought, but seemed to have an unusual sense of character about it. Overwhelmingly the expression, the look in the eyes and the twist of the mouth spoke of someone who was tired. Bored, reluctant and tired. Well, they’d have that in common if nothing else. A small tapping sound skittering across the floor got her attention. She smiled down at the source. It still amazed her that this was allowed—well, allowed with special permission and a credit bond and the outrageous cost of purchase. Charlie. Charlie was a gift from one of her previous assignments. The only one she had ever thought had had a chance to succeed. To mark the second month of their assignment he had surprised her with Charlie. The small red dachshund had delighted her then and continued to delight her now. Maybe I’m not destined to find Prince Charming, she smiled down at the eyes that reminded her oddly of the man still rotating on her monitor. But I have Charlie. She reached down and scooped him up, holding him so her cheek pressed against him. She turned him to face the monitor. “So what do you think?” she asked. He seemed to watch the twirling figure for a moment and then let out a low whine. “I know what you mean, my friend.” She stroked his ears. “I know what you mean.” She retrieved the data disk and residence badge from the terminal and shut it down. She carried Charlie to the room that was hers. She had packed her things last night and now settled Charlie into a carrying crate. He and her belongings would be delivered to the residence by transport staff. Generally they arrived before she did because they took the service passages rather than the common areas. Thirty minutes later she was being escorted through the Section Red corridors by a small thin man she had never met. He had arrived at maidel housing with the transport staff and had introduced himself as the man’s life guide. He had spoken little until they
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reached the level upon which the quarters were located. Then, a few doors down from number 26, he stopped and turned to her. “Ms. Bradley, I know it is unusual for a life guide to provide escort for such a move but I wanted a chance to talk to you. Mr. Edwards can be a bit difficult at times,” the man began uncomfortably. “He is not unkind nor is he insensitive, it is simply that he is rather suspicious of people and well…” “There is no need to explain,” Leah reassured him. “No one is at their best for these kinds of things. We all go into them with expectations and with shattered expectations. I make it a rule never to form an opinion in the first few minutes.” “In James’ case, I’d ask you not to form an opinion in the first few days,” the man said wryly. He had relaxed considerably. “You have a deal,” Leah smiled at him. “Besides, I’m not exactly new to this. Don’t worry.”
***** The transport staff left the silver trunk, black bag and the long narrow plastic box in the second bedroom as he directed. He stood in the doorway and looked at the evidence that he would soon have an intruder on his peace. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard the scratching sound coming from the plastic container. Moving closer he saw the grating along the sides and the movement inside. His innate curiosity won out. James moved around the bed and crouched down to peer into the wire door on the front. A black nose sniffed out at him and two light brown eyes gazed back. A rhythmic thumping could be heard as a tail thudded against the sides of the crate. A pitiful, exited whine urged him forward. A dog! He was stunned. He hadn’t believed anyone outside of Committee members had the luxury of owning a pet. The mounds and miles of red tape one would have had to have traversed to get permission for such a thing were staggering. The expense made this possibility almost nonexistent for most. The expense of the actual animal aside, the Committee required a sizable bond be filed against the cost of feeding and caring for the animal. I shouldn’t, he thought as he reached toward the cage. It had been so long since he’d even seen a dog, let alone touched one. He reached his long fingers through the holes in the grating and scratched at the animal’s ears. A happy rumbling sound came from the pooch. So What’s Her Name had a dog. He made a mental note to look up her name before she arrived. He straightened to do so when the dog whined again. I shouldn’t, he thought again but ignored it a second time and pressed open the lock on the door. It swung open and the long red body stretched and walked out onto the surface of the bed. A playful yip made him smile. He reached down and picked up the dog, it lunged its body forward and aimed for his nose, nipping it playfully and licking his face. He laughed, “Hey old boy, wait a minute. That is not the way to impress the new guy.” But
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it had been. Scratches and pets were given as he stood there in her room holding her dog. “I wonder what your name is, little guy.” “Charlie,” came a soft voice from the doorway. James froze. That voice meant two things. One, that What’s Her Name was here, complicated by the fact that he still didn’t know her name and secondly he had been caught having in effect, “gone through her things”. He turned slowly and saw the same plain face he had seen the previous night, now before him in the flesh. He stared at her for what seemed like forever. He honestly couldn’t think of a single thing to say. An introduction? An apology? “His name is Charlie,” she said again with a gentle smile on her face. “I’m so happy you let him out. He hates being confined and I always feel guilty about it. Besides, I’m guessing this means you aren’t too unhappy about his coming along.” “No,” James found his voice. “No, it’s fine. In fact it’s more than fine, it’s great. I used to have a dog. We always had dogs. Well, up until my last wife, she didn’t like…” He stopped. He was babbling and he was talking about his ex-wife. Those were two things he never did, particularly not with strangers. “I’m glad you’re pleased. It could have been horribly awkward otherwise.” The smile was still in place. She stepped forward a pace and extended her hand. “Leah Bradley, Mr. Edwards.” Thank God, he gave an inward sigh of relief. Leah Bradley. At least now he didn’t have to embarrass himself by admitting he hadn’t even looked at her name. “James, please.” He shifted Charlie and extended his hand as well. He stood there for a moment looking down at that hand, maintaining his grip. Something was odd about her hand, about the way it felt in his. His fingers were closed around it and he noticed it was neither cool nor warm. Her hand was small but square, with soft skin covering the palm and back. What was more was that there was almost a sense of comfort, of reassurance radiating from her hand to his. It sounded foolish even in the silence of his own mind. He dropped her hand and pulled his away abruptly. Whatever was happening, he didn’t like it. He heard her sigh softly. Looking up he noticed an odd look on her face. The smile had transformed. “James, we need to talk. Before we do, though, I’d love to have a cup of coffee and a minute to get Charlie settled. The sooner we get down to the basics with him, such as where his bed is and where his…ah…bathroom facilities are, the better.” James realized he was still holding the dog, who for his part seemed perfectly content with the situation. He set the animal on the bed and stepped away. “Coffee sounds like a good idea and we do need to talk. I’ll go get some started. Will you join me in the main room as soon as you’re finished?” “We’ll be there shortly.” James nodded and left the room.
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When he had left the room, Leah closed the door behind him and lifted Charlie. “Don’t get too attached, kiddo. This isn’t permanent,” she reminded him. Setting him on the floor she unpacked his dishes, his bed and the absorbent pads. She got him settled with a small snack and opened her trunk. It took only a moment to stow the few articles of clothing in the drawers and closet. Opening her black bag she took out the photographs. She placed them on the dresser and stepped back to examine the room. A sad smile flitted over her face. It looked just like the room she had occupied with Paul. The only difference here was that the walls were a soft blue rather than beige. Her stack of book disks were placed on the nightstand and Charlie’s food tucked in a bottom drawer. In ten minutes she had relocated everything she owned into this little room. As she tucked the black bag and crate into the silver trunk and pushed it into the closet she thought just how odd and slightly sad it was that her whole life could fit inside that one trunk. “Okay buddy boy, let’s get this over with,” she muttered to Charlie who had finished his snack and was standing watching her and licking his lips as if anticipating a further treat. He followed her out the door and into the main room. A voice called from a doorway to the rear, “Do you want cream or sugar?” At the sound of the voice, Charlie skittered off in the general direction from which it had come. Leah rolled her eyes. No one made friends faster than Charlie. “Yes,” she called back, “just a bit of cream.” James appeared around the corner carrying two mugs and handed one to her before sitting down on the small sofa. Charlie jumped up immediately and settled down beside him. “Charlie,” she scolded, “get down!” She turned her eyes to James, who was stroking the dog’s head. “I’m sorry, Pa…my last assignment spoiled him horribly. He now thinks all furniture is there for his comfort.” He smiled at the dog, never looking up at her. “He’s fine. Now the bed is another matter but he’s fine on the sofa.” She was starting to truly like the sound of his voice, the way it wrapped itself around the sounds of the words and rolled them over and out on his tongue. His brogue was absolutely charming. It would be no hardship to listen to that voice for a long time to come. But that wasn’t going to happen. She sat down on a chair set at a ninety degree angle to the sofa and placed her cup on the table. She drew a deep breath and let it out slowly. He still hadn’t looked at her but kept his eyes on the dog. “James,” she started the speech she had given several times now, “we need to get something out in the open right off the bat. If you don’t mind, I’ll go first.” She looked up at him and he simply nodded. “Okay,” she clenched her hands in her lap and said the words she had known she would have to say. “I know I’m not what you expected or wanted from an assignment. I’m a realist, James and I don’t believe in pretending or playing games. You don’t want me here. You’ve been sitting here thinking about how to get out of this without hurting my feelings too badly. Well, it’s okay. You don’t have to worry about it.” Her heart was pounding fiercely in her chest.
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“I don’t expect anything out of this other than to hopefully make a new friend and to have a pleasant experience getting to know you. I know that there is no chance you could ever want someone like me for a life partner, so there is no pressure here.” Now he did look at her. The tawny eyes looked into hers for a moment then dropped back down to the dog. “Thank you,” he said softly. “I wasn’t sure how to say any of that without sounding like a complete ass and hurting your feelings. I’m sorry but it’s true, you’re just not what I— Well, we’re just not a match.” The words came as a blow despite her having been expecting them. They always did even though she knew they were coming. It was one thing to tell yourself that no one could ever want you or feel for you in that way, it was another to hear it confirmed. “Good,” she said softly. “That having been said, we can both relax. If you don’t mind I’m going to take this cup and Charlie, back to my room and get settled. Just knock if you need anything.” She stood up and called to the dog. He gave a mournful look at James then hopped down obediently and trotted after her. She closed and locked the door behind her and sank onto the bed. She hated this part. God, she hated this part worse than anything. The next few moments would play out so differently for the two of them. He would spend them feeling a huge weight lifted from his shoulders, his mood would cheer and he’d begin to relax. But for her… The feeling of despair settled over her. She would allow herself this. There was no use fighting this first wave of ache that started deep in her chest. One good cry, she told herself. One good cry and get it over with. She lay down on the mattress and pulled the spread over her shoulders, wrapping it around her. Her head was on the pillow and she felt the first of the tears slip down. Charlie’s wet nose nudged her cheek from behind where he had leapt up to join her. When she didn’t reach for him, he burrowed under the exposed blanket and sheet and settled down next to her, curved into the small of her back. Again she was unwanted, again she was rejected, again she had lost the game before it even began.
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Chapter Four He was changing into a clean shirt when he heard the sound of the shower shutting off. He could hear the opposite door open and close. He walked to the door and tried the handle, it opened. Other than the steam, she had left the bathroom looking as if no one had been there. There were no towels, no bottles or brushes to indicate she was now sharing these facilities. Using a hand towel he wiped the mirror dry and ran a brush through his hair. It was a bit long and he could use a haircut, at least that’s what the head nurse kept telling him. He went back through to his room, locking the bathroom door from his side as he did. He almost laughed at himself. What? Did he think she’d sneak in and assault him in the night? Shaking his head in amusement he walked out into the main room. He had to admit he felt a lot better. This just might not prove to be too horrible. Charlie was going to be fun, she seemed nice enough and what’s more, she seemed really clear and perfectly okay about the fact that he found her as attractive as a cumquat. Okay, he wasn’t really sure what a cumquat was but “as a cumquat”, was a favorite expression of one of the women he worked with and it had seeped into his vocabulary. He was clearing his cup away when the pattering of feet told him she had opened her door. Charlie trotted after him as he dumped the leftover coffee and set the mug in the dishwasher. “Hey boy, tell your boss lady you don’t have to stay holed up in that room. I don’t mind you having the run of the place.” Walking to the refrigerator, he opened the center drawer and took out a small piece of cheese. “Here you go,” he crouched down and fed the morsel to the hungry mouth. “Just don’t go telling on me, okay?” Walking back into the main room he saw her standing and looking around. She spotted the dog at his feet and shook her head. “I should have known,” she muttered. “He’s fine,” James assured her, half smiling. “Don’t worry about keeping him shut up. He’s welcome to wander about. I’d like it if he felt at home here.” Just as long as you don’t get too comfortable, he thought and was surprised by the look that passed over her face. It was almost as if she had heard his thoughts. She had turned her face away to hide the look of what he could only describe as hurt. “Don’t worry, James,” she was speaking softly and twisting the identification band on her wrist. “I meant what I said earlier.” Shit, he thought. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her feelings. She seemed a nice woman. Okay, that was the second to the last thing he wanted to do. The last thing was to have any chance whatsoever that she could think this doomed experiment was going to have any outcome but her leaving as soon as was possible. She had said something and he had missed it. “What?” 23
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She smiled patiently. “You’re not used to listening to anyone after being alone for so long. Three passes. You’ve had this to yourself for nine months now. Having anyone here has got to feel very strange and uncomfortable.” “Yes, it does,” he admitted. “I was saying that I’m going out and do you want me to put Charlie up or let him run?” “Going out?” She was going out? That was a first. The last two assignments had insisted they stay put and “talk” for the first two days. He had been dreading that more than anything. Well anything up ’til the moment he saw her picture. Her face had the patient look one saw on the face of the nurses when dealing with someone coming out of anesthetic. They tended to be a bit muddled and confused. “Yes, it’s Saturday night and I’m afraid I have plans. I made them some time ago. It’s actually a regular event, a Girls’ Night Out sort of thing.” She smiled apologetically. “I hope this doesn’t bother you? I mean it seems to me we have three months to get acquainted, there’s no reason to have some silly marathon session. Besides, since this isn’t your typical assignment, there’s no reason for us to bare our souls.” She finished this last line with the hint of a chuckle. “Besides,” she nodded to his clean shirt, “it looks like you had plans too.” “Not exactly,” he admitted. She raised an eyebrow curiously. “I thought it was almost a requirement that we do the ‘getting to know you’ thing. I was going to suggest we do that at a small restaurant I know, more of a café really.” Her face dropped. “I’m so sorry, James. I really didn’t think you’d mind. I mean, you can’t have been looking forward to this, right? I’d cancel but I really think we’d both have a better evening if we didn’t spend it trying to make awkward conversation either here or across a table somewhere else.” I’ll be damned! She was giving him the kiss-off and going out with the girls. Their first night together and she had other plans. Suddenly he was aware of the sound of laughter coming from inside his own head. She was leaving him behind to go have a good evening and he was acting like the resentful housewife. “So,” she said cautiously. “Are we okay? If you really want to do this, I’ll call and cancel.” “No,” he said quickly. “No, you go on. Charlie and I will have our own get acquainted party, won’t we old boy?” Her brow furrowed and he realized just how almost petulant that had sounded. “It’s okay,” he hurried on. “We guys’ll cook some tofu dogs, have a couple of beers and see what’s on the entertainment net.” She was smiling again. “Charlie turns his nose up at tofu dogs. I’ve got some treats in the bottom drawer in my room if you want to win his undying love, those or cheese. Either one will get you a one-way ticket to his heart.” She took a step toward the door. “You can either put him in my room or leave him out when you head for bed. I’ll probably be late.” Without so much as a backward glance she was out the door. 24
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“Your boss lady is one strange cookie,” James muttered to Charlie. At the sound of the word cookie, Charlie barked, became very excited and ran toward the bedroom. James laughed. “Okay, let’s find those treats. You’re a man after my own heart, old buddy. Stomach first.”
***** “Okay, I don’t know who takes these images but I’m telling you his hair looked brown in the file and in reality it is bright orange. Not even red, orange.” Jena laughed. “Redheads can be cute,” Rebecca coaxed. “Other than that you said he seems nice, right?” “Yeah, nice until I told him I was going out,” Jena shook her head. “Then we had a major pout fest.” She looked over at Leah. “How did yours react?” “Surprised but relieved,” she grinned. “I think he expected one of those, ‘Okay, tell me everything there is to know about you’, things. The ones that make you both want to bang your head into a wall.” “Why do guys always think women are going to want that?” Rebecca sighed. “Stephen thought so too.” “Because you always do,” Stephen laughed. “Well, except for Leah. She was the only one who didn’t want to talk.” Leah smiled. “So, how is the search for true love?” Stephen sighed, “In this hetero-controlled fantasy land? It sucks. I swear I’m not so sure it was worth it.” “If you hadn’t lied and told the interviewers you were bisexual, you’d have been weeded out immediately,” Leah argued. “Both of you.” The new life partners smiled at each other. “Tell me about it,” Rebecca sighed. “It was pretty clear early on that they didn’t want lesbians or gays in this process. ‘Lie or Die’ was the motto.” “I guess we all figured we could fake it and then just find each other later. That maybe there were times when lying was necessary,” Stephen agreed. “Thank God they put you and me together first,” he said, reaching over and squeezing Leah’s hand. “And thank God you knew Rebecca.” Leah smiled softly at them. That her first assignment was gay was obvious from the first moment and she had often wondered how he had managed to fool the interviewers when it was so clear to her. She had felt the same about Rebecca. When the Committee had released information on “requested assignments” she had gone straight to Stephen. “If you hadn’t put us together and told us about the requested assignment,” Rebecca was saying happily, “we’d still be on the damned assignment carousel.” Her face blanched. “Oh Leah, I’m sorry. That was insensitive of me.” “No,” she smiled up at the tall brunette. “It’s fine.”
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“So what is this one like?” Jena broke in. “Fine,” Leah said noncommittally. “No you don’t,” the blonde laughed, “you don’t get off with fine.” “Is he cute?” Stephen asked. “He’s attractive in his own way,” she hedged. “Not like the last one, Mr. Damn I’m Good-Looking?” Rebecca rolled her eyes. To say she and Paul had not hit it off was an understatement. “No,” Leah admitted. “He’s just…” “Go on,” Stephen urged. “He’s prickly. I guess that’s the best word for it. He’s taken three consecutive passes and I get the feeling he didn’t exactly want to be back in the pool to start with, let alone be assigned to me.” She shrugged. “I hate when you say that,” Jena said sternly. “He’s damned lucky to be assigned to you. You are one of the few truly nice people I’ve ever known.” “You’re smart,” added Rebecca. “You’re funny,” Stephen rejoined. “You care about people and how they feel. Can you actually point to anyone who isn’t happy to have known you?” Jena’s voice was forceful, as if she would brook no argument. “Have I ever told you guys that you are the best bunch of friends a girl ever had?” Leah smiled and shook her head. “But we all know that how wonderful I am, isn’t the issue.” “Men can be bastards,” Stephen agreed. “So this one’s already made up his mind?” “Just like you did,” Leah grinned. “But my dear, you could have been the most beautiful woman in the world walking through that door and I’d have still said no,” he laughed and squeezed the hand he was still holding. “Maybe that’s my problem,” Leah snorted, “they’ve all been secretly gay.” “From your lips to God’s ears.” Stephen lifted his hands as if in prayer. “Especially that last one. Ooh, was he fine.” The music started up loudly from the small stage in the back of the room. “About time,” Jena called out. “We’ve been waiting for Leah to get up here and help us out. You know we’re lost without her,” the young man with a shaved head called back to them. Leah cupped her hands around her mouth and yelled back laughingly. “Not tonight. I just got reassigned and I’m far too depressed.” The young musician stroked his guitar and shook his head in amusement. “At least one, honey. You gotta give us at least one. It wouldn’t be Saturday night with out our nightingale.” 26
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“Maybe you oughtta request an assignment to that one,” Stephen was snickering. “Maybe you oughtta go find out if he’s free,” she retorted. “Really?” Stephen looked up at the young man appraisingly. “You’re sure?” “Honey, my gaydar is better than yours by far. I suggest you develop a sudden interest in music,” she grinned at her friend and the entire group laughed as Stephen twirled a pretend mustache and waggled his eyebrows.
***** He’d never tried to sleep with his bedroom door open before. The evening had dragged on, even with the combination of Charlie for company and one of his favorite movies on the entertainment net. He’d finally given up and called it a night. He hadn’t been to bed this early in years. Lying awake in the dark was something he avoided. He had at first put the dog in her room but the little guy had whined so pitifully that he had opened the door again. Then he tried making Charlie a bed with an extra blanket but every time he looked over, the soft brown eyes were staring at him from the edge of the bed. He finally gave in and lifted the dachshund onto the bed with him and chuckled when the little Earth dog had burrowed under the blanket and curled up in a ball. This little fellow had a way of getting right to you. He told himself sharply not to get attached. This was her dog and would disappear from his life when she did. He lay in the dark trying to sleep, willing himself to go to sleep. Each time he would start to drift off, he would jerk back awake, certain he had heard something. He was listening for her to come home and he knew it. And he hated it. He rationalized that he was listening for her so he could explain where Charlie was and return him to her. That damned laughter was still in his head telling him the truth he didn’t want to hear. It bugged him that she had gone out this first night. Bugged him that it was now onethirty a.m. and she was still out. Just as the clock clicked to one-fifty-six he heard the door to the main room slide open. Laughter from the corridor floated in and he heard her call good night to someone and that someone answer. A man. It had been a man’s voice that answered. Now it made sense. Why she had gone out, why she had been so quick to set things straight. But if it were true, why didn’t they just ask for an assignment? Unless he already had one. Unless he was already partnered. Like Nina. Like his ex-wife. She had been so good at the game he had actually believed she loved him and had married her. But no, it didn’t fit. Leah didn’t seem the type. But then Nina hadn’t seemed the type either.
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Chapter Five He shifted sleepily in the large bed. The smells drifting to him teased his nose, sausages and eggs. There would be hot tea and toast as well. Any minute now she’d call him. Yell for him to get out of bed and get going or… “James David Edwards, if you don’t get up now and get going we’re going to be late for church and I’ll feed your breakfast to the dog.” He kept his eyes closed, savoring the last moments of sleep and the sound of her voice as it lilted up and cascaded back down. He loved her voice. It had sounded like his mother’s voice the first time he heard it. Growing up in Glasgow, only his parents’ voices nudged the ancestral memories of Ireland. Until Sarah. His sweet Sarah. Soon she’d get tired of waiting and send Katie or David upstairs to bounce on the bed and wake him up. Any minute now… He sat bolt upright in bed. He looked around him in utter confusion. This wasn’t his room, this wasn’t their room. His heartbeat began to slow as sleep cleared away and memory flooded back to him. He was in his room in the place he even now refused to call home. He rubbed his hand over his face roughly. It had been two weeks since he’d dreamed of them. His nose caught again the smells that had triggered the dream. The sausages, the eggs and instead of tea, the coffee. But the smells were all that awaited him here. There would be no Sarah, no Katie, no David. James threw back the blankets and slid to the edge of the bed. He started to walk to the door which was still open and stopped. The open door reminded him. He was no longer alone. Pushing the button that closed the door he went back to his closet. He dressed slowly, pulling on the navy pants and sliding into the matching shirt. This one was short-sleeved and had red piping running across the yoke and down the seam, which self-sealed. He’d asked about this new method of fasteners used on shirts when he was given his first one. They had told him that the edges were woven with very small, flexible magnetic materials that responded to the fine metal fibers woven into the cloth to extend its durability. This allowed the garment to be closed and opened without buttons or zippers, increasing its flexibility and allowing the wearer to adjust the fit. He pulled on his shoes, navy blue lace-ups that stood somewhere between sneakers and boots without bearing any resemblance to the old-fashioned hightops he had known as a kid. He paused to check the mirror. He didn’t shave often, it irritated his skin. His beard wasn’t thick and even if it was a bit patchy, it was better than the rash he’d get if he shaved every day. He ran his fingers through his hair and smoothed down the slight wave. Hand still patting his head, he heard the laughter in his mind again. He was preening. He was preening like a woman and for whom? He doubted
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Charlie would care what he looked like and he had no damned reason to be trying to impress his new assignment, that was for sure. He opened the door and the smells made his mouth water. He definitely wanted breakfast today. It shouldn’t take long to fix something up. Those sausages smelled like real sausage. Maybe he could get her to show him how she prepared them. Truth was soy or tofu just didn’t cut it for him. As he rounded the door into the kitchen area, he stopped suddenly. The table was set for two and she was putting a covered plate in the center. Had she cooked for them both? This was certainly unexpected. No one had cooked him breakfast since… Charlie came bouncing toward him and he reached down absently to scratch behind the long velvety ears. She turned and smiled at him. “That was timed well. I was hesitant to wake you.” When he just stood there staring at her, her smile softened. “I hope you don’t mind. I didn’t mean to presume too much.” “No,” he found his voice, “I’m just surprised. I certainly don’t expect you to cook for me.” “Good,” her smile widened, “’cause this is strictly a weekend thing. And only because I got up early enough to run out to Perishables and you slept late enough for me to do it and be back.” She stepped away from the table and came back with the coffee pot. “So are you going to sit down and eat or just stand there?” He watched her face, examining it carefully. She seemed so genuine. Too genuine. But that doesn’t matter, he told himself. This isn’t a real assignment so it doesn’t matter if she is what she seems or if she’s just really good at faking it. He moved to the table and sat down. “Am I really smelling what I think I’m smelling? You didn’t spend credits on real sausage, did you?” She settled herself, not opposite him but off to his left. “Yep, blew the farm, so to speak. First breakfast and all. Besides,” she winked at him. “I know someone, so I get a bit of a discount. He lets me know when they have perishables that are about to be sent back and it gives me a break on the price.” He frowned at her. “That doesn’t sound quite…ethical? Legal?” “It’s perfectly legal,” she replied, spooning eggs onto her plate. “The only difference is that it’s usually just the Committee who has such information.” “So your source isn’t holding things back for you or giving you extras?” She seemed shocked. “No, of course not. My source isn’t even involved in the supply distribution. He simply has access to the information. It’s all out there, the information, you just have to know where to look for it.” He relaxed and reached for the plate of sausage. “I know the soy and tofu are better for us and I know we don’t have resources for full livestock production but I do miss meat.”
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“I’m just glad someone decided that eggs and dairy products were a necessity we couldn’t do without. Ever tried soy milk?” She scrunched up her face. “Nasty stuff. I don’t care what they say, no way would I ever acquire a taste for that.” He found himself smiling easily as they ate. She asked about his evening and whether Charlie had behaved himself. “Other than insisting on sleeping in the bed, he was great.” She winced. “I’m sorry. I did tell you he was quite spoiled. I tried getting him to sleep in his crate while I was in the maidel house but it was no-go. The only other option was to put him in bed with me. It was high enough he wouldn’t jump down by himself and it kept him from wandering off and getting into mischief at night.” “He was fine, really,” James conceded. “I was concerned you would be worried when you didn’t find him in your room.” “I figured he’d weaseled his way into your bed when he didn’t meet me at the door. I left him there until this morning.” James frowned slightly. Had she come into his room? Her next words made him feel a bit foolish. “It took one shake of the food box and he came running.” The meal proceeded more comfortably than he would have imagined. He made polite inquiries about her evening and received vague answers. “So it was a Girls’ Night Out?” “Yes,” she nodded and took a deep drink from her mug. “You said it was a regular event?” “Yes, we get together every Saturday night in some combination or another. Last night, for example, Caroline couldn’t make it. I hadn’t expected Jena either, they got their assignments yesterday and…” she trailed off. “And they wanted to spend some time getting acquainted,” he finished for her. “I assume so,” she laid her fork on her plate and stood. Her back to him at the sink he watched as she scraped her plate and added it to the dishwasher. “Look Leah,” he said abruptly. He really had no idea what it was he was going to say, even as it tumbled out of his mouth. “I’m sorry about this. I know it must be hard for you…” She turned to look at him. “Why would it be hard for me?” He froze. How did he answer that? Because it must be hard for you to be unwanted and rejected. Or, It must be hard for you to know that I’d have no interest in you if you were the last woman on Earth. Exactly how did he answer her? He heard her sigh and she leaned back against the counter, palms resting on the edge. “Look James. I don’t know what you’re expecting from me but I can tell you what you’re not going to get. I am not some heartbroken, wretched little creature who goes whimpering from one failed assignment to the next expecting miracles. I am not some pathetic woman who will sit in the shadows yearning for you, or anyone else, to love her.” She pushed herself out and stepped toward the table, continuing to clear it. “I am
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not someone you need to feel sorry for. I’m no happier about this assignment than you are. I didn’t want it any more than you did, remember that.” If her speech had been intended to make him feel more at ease, it had failed. The effect had been the opposite. He heard the edge of anger in her voice. He felt like an arrogant heel. He cleared his own plate and then stopped her when she went to clean up. “I’ll do this. You cooked, I’ll clean up.” She stepped back and nodded at him in silence. She turned and left the room. This one had gotten there fast, she thought. It usually took a few days before she had to give that particular little speech but James had seemed to need it far sooner than the others. She walked into her room to retrieve her book and stopped just after closing the door. Why was it always the same? All of them. Why was it always the same? She shook her head and rounded the bed. Must be nice, she thought, it must be nice to be so sure of yourself that you just know everyone is dying to be loved by you. She snorted. She hadn’t felt this way about the others. Something about James made her feel angry, resentful. The others had been the same, heavens knew Tony thought every woman he met was dying of love for him. Or at least he used to. She had had a message on her terminal this morning from him. Turns out he and his last assignment didn’t throw in the towel. They had asked for and been granted an extension. That made it a clean sweep. Well, except for… But she didn’t think about him, wouldn’t let herself think about him. There was nothing to think about. The two assignments after her he had been assigned out of quadrant, something unheard of for a third timer unless they requested it. His background in Asian languages had gotten him paired with two Japanese partners. That was all she knew and had learned that from Kevin, the fount of all information. She had asked him not to tell her any more. It didn’t matter now. She stepped back into the main room and settled on the sofa with her book. Charlie, seeing a chance to snuggle on a lap, joined her and curled up behind her knees. She heard James moving about in the kitchen for longer than seemed necessary. She could feel his tension from where she sat. He was angry but at not at her. The speech had been effective. He was rethinking how he saw her. She didn’t know how she knew it, just that she did. Bryan had once told her she had the most amazing instincts where guys were concerned. He’d said this just after the birthday party, which Stephen insisted on throwing for her last year. One he was threatening to repeat. “How do you do it?” Bryan asked when they had arrived at his residence quarters and dropped on the sofa side by side, exhausted. “Do what?” “All of the guys say the same thing, Leah. No one knows them like you. No one ever seemed to understand them like you.” He had turned his blue eyes to her, “They’re right, Leah. You seem to know what I’m thinking before I do.” “Luck?” she had smiled at him sleepily. 31
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“No, seriously,” he pressed. “I don’t know, Bryan. I just do. Sometimes it seems so obvious to me what someone is thinking or feeling. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t see it. It’s absolutely clear.” James’ entrance pulled her back to the present. She watched him move toward the chair she had sat in yesterday and lower himself. His long-limbed body seemed to fold itself into the seat. He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his thighs. His hands rubbed over his face as if he was tired or trying to force some decision. She put down the book and waited for him to speak. He looked up at her for a moment before he broke the silence. “I’m sorry about that. I didn’t mean to imply…” She cut him off. It was better to stop this now. “You may not have meant to imply it but it was what you were thinking. Don’t apologize for what you feel or for the truth. You’ll have to decide for yourself how our last conversation fits into that. I told you from the beginning that I have no illusions. About myself or about you. You think you’re better than me. Maybe you are,” she sighed, sitting up on the sofa and swinging her legs around. “Maybe the fact that people don’t take one look at you and start praying they never end up with you for an assignment does make you better than me.” “That’s not true, Leah. I don’t think I’m…” He stopped. “Fine, I’m an ass, is that what you want to hear?” “You’re not an ass. You’re just human. It’s only human to want the best, most beautiful, shiniest thing we can possibly get. I understand the reality. I get it. That doesn’t mean you need to feel sorry for me. I have a good life. I have a job I love, I have Charlie and I have the greatest friends anyone could ask for. I have more blessings in my life than I’m sure I deserve. Don’t pity me, James.” This wasn’t good. She was tired of this already. Her patience was failing and she didn’t know why. Why was he crawling under her skin like this? Why did his reaction, one she’d seen on other faces time and again, bother her so much? He was watching her. “So where do we go from here? You don’t want me as an assignment any more than I want you.” The words cut deep. Leah shook herself mentally. They shouldn’t be hurting. She’d done this too many times. This should be bouncing off her, sliding off like water from a duck’s back. Drawing a deep breath she looked up at him. “It leaves us as two people who have a choice. We can be determined to dislike and bait each other for the next three months. We can walk around here ignoring each other’s existence. Or we can become friends.” She tried to smile at him. “I’d prefer the last of those options. I don’t want your pity James but I’d like your friendship.” The light brown eyes stared at his hands for a moment longer. “Why is it I find myself wanting to tell you the truth?” He looked up at her. “For some reason what I’m thinking just comes flying out of my mouth before I know it.” That seemed to bother him deeply, she could see it in the troubled frown and darkened eyes. The life guide had been right. James didn’t let anyone close.
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She felt the pity flood her. He was so confused. And something more. Again that indefinable thing inside her told her that he was hurt. Deeply hurt. And that hurt was the last thing he wanted her to see. “Look, James,” she leaned forward and put her hand on his. He flinched and pulled it away. She sat back up, faintly embarrassed. “Truth always wants to find a way to be told. And since neither of us needs worry about impressing the other, there’s no reason why we shouldn’t just say what we’re thinking.” She smiled. “Within reason of course.” He stayed quiet, still looking at her. “Friends?” He almost seemed to be tasting the word. “How do we do that?” She relaxed. This was better, much better. “It’s pretty much the same as any time you make friends. You get to know someone, enjoy the things you have in common and learn from the differences. It’s really not that hard.” She was surprised to see a wry smile break across his face. “So we do the whole here’s my life story thing after all?” She found herself laughing softly, “In a way but with less pressure.” She stood up. “Charlie needs a walk and I could use one too. What do you say we go over to the Nature Recreation Center and remind ourselves what it’s like to feel grass under our feet again?” He unfolded his lean body from the chair and she found herself tilting her head to look up at him. “Sounds good.”
***** The walk to the transit station moved faster once he scooped up Charlie and carried him. The small pink tongue hung happily out of the long thin snout and the long ears flapped up and down with each step. Charlie was the topic of conversation during the ride. Once they reached the Center, they queued up to enter. The chip in Charlie’s neck was scanned and showed he had all his health clearances and was good to go. They walked for a while and covered all the red tape she had to deal with to maintain Charlie’s clearances. “He has to be seen by the Veterinary Sciences Center once every two months. There are vaccines and training requirements. Charlie has completed basic obedience and therapy training. I can take him almost anywhere with me now and he loves it.” He looked over at her and saw she was smiling at the pair walking beside her. James had taken the leash and the sight of the tall man and the tiny dog, one moving along with almost loping strides on his long legs and the other trotting double time to keep up on his short legs seemed to be making her smile. They must have made an amusing pair. As they moved toward the center of the park where the large grassy area was located, James began to be aware of others around him. Most of the people they passed seemed to notice them. He kept telling himself it was the dog they were staring at. Something about being in public with Leah made him uncomfortable. He looked down at her and she was smiling softly to herself as they walked. Just as they came to a point 33
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where the path split, James caught sight of Robert Evans. Robert was a supply officer at the Health Services Center. He knew him well and he occasionally joined the group of guys to take in a football game or just hang out over a couple of drinks—rarely, but enough that Robert seemed to consider him a friend, whatever that meant. A sense of sudden dread welled up inside him. If Robert saw him, he’d want to stop and talk. If he stopped and talked, he’d have to introduce Leah. If he introduced Leah… He could hear the ribbing he would take at work tomorrow. He could hear the jokes and jibes from the others. My God, James, tell me your assignment was the cute little redhead on the leash. He reached out and grasped Leah’s arm and hurried her down the side path. It was the longer way around but it would be worth it. Tomorrow was going to be bad enough. He’d heard the way the others joked after the first couple days of assignments—the questioning, the sexual innuendo. The guys were relentless when someone was newly assigned. But to have someone actually know her, that would be more than he wanted to handle right now. He wasn’t sure exactly why but the last thing he wanted was to deal with that kind of speculation about Leah. It had been a mistake coming out in public. He stole a look at her. Her smile was gone and her jaw was clenched tightly. She moved stiffly. A sick feeling gripped his gut. She knew. She knew exactly what he had done. He didn’t know how but she knew. The minute the trees opened up to reveal the soft grass, Leah stopped walking. She reached down and removed her shoes. Hooking her fingers in the heels, she reached over and took the leash from him. Without a word she walked up onto the grass and found a place to sit down. She let Charlie’s retractable leash out as far as it would go and locked it. Then lying back on the grass she let him run circles around her. James stood there watching her for a moment and then slowly walked over to where she lay. Dropping down on the ground, he immediately found his lap occupied by a soft red body that was standing on hind legs lunging for his nose. He absently petted the dog. He should apologize he knew but couldn’t. After all, didn’t she say she wanted truth? Honesty? Yeah, the truth was he was embarrassed by the whole damned situation. He wasn’t proud of it but she had told him she didn’t want him to apologize for the way he felt. He hoped she meant it. The silence grew heavy. They were supposed to be getting to know each other but he couldn’t find a single thing to say. He saw her sit up and brush the grass off her back. “Let’s just let it go, okay?” she almost whispered. “Just let it go.” He nodded. “So you first this time. What do you think I need to know about you?” Her voice had a determined quality. “What did you read in the profile?” He evaded.
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“Nope, none of that.” A glance at her told him she was smiling at him. It was a tired and weary smile but a smile nonetheless. “Forget I saw your dossier. What do I need to know about you?” James sighed. At least she was letting him control the information he gave. “My parents were actually from Ireland but I was born in Glasgow. That’s in—or rather what used to be—Scotland. I grew up there, went to school there, lived and worked there until a couple of years before the end of the world as we knew it. I moved to London and lived there until they put me on the plane to come here.” “Go on,” she coaxed. “What about now?” He took a deep breath. “I’m currently working in the Health Services Center. I’ve had two prior assignments and have taken a pass the last three cycles.” “What do you do in the HSC?” Here it comes, he thought. “I’m a nurse. I’m working mostly with the surgical unit at the moment.” She looked at him quizzically. Go on, he thought, go on and say it. Say something about it being a woman’s job. He couldn’t believe he still got that. After all these years and all the men who had been working as nurses in the Before Time, he still got this response. “I thought your bio said you were a musician?” “What?” He stared at her for a moment uncomprehendingly. “I am, or rather was. I played around with it for a while.” One thing was certain, he couldn’t exactly expect the expected from her. “Actually that’s what got me in the lottery twice.” “Twice?” She looked at him with interest. “Yeah.” Why was he volunteering this? This wasn’t something she needed to know. “My official address was still in Glasgow at the time. I signed up as a nurse. I moved to London a few weeks later and someone came around door to door to make sure everyone had signed up. I signed up then as a musician. I told the man that I had already signed but he put me in again.” “So you ended up in the lottery twice?” She was smiling. “Yeah, it was unfair I know.” He looked down. “I didn’t cause it and when they found out they decided it was best not to raise a fuss. It could cause real problems. Now I guess, the deed is done, so there’s no one to complain.” “You feel guilty about that, don’t you?” she asked gently. “Wouldn’t you?” “Probably. As it is I have even more reason to feel guilty than you,” she looked way from him. “How’s that?” “I was never in the lottery.” She turned to face him. “Not the same lottery, anyway. I’m from New Salem. Do you remember that name?” He thought about it but it just didn’t ring any bells. He shook his head.
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“New Salem was the town just outside the main gates of Sanctuary. Our tiny little village played host to the headquarters for the construction.” She looked off again into the distance. “The compensation negotiated by the mayor of our town was that three people would be chosen from New Salem for Sanctuary without having to compete in the lottery.” “And you were chosen,” he finished for her. “Yeah, it turned out there was no need for a lottery just for us. They looked at our little town and took our veterinarian, the head of our farmer’s co-op and New Salem’s Teacher of the Year.” She made a sweeping gesture with this last proclamation. So she was a teacher. He reminded himself he really needed to look over her file. He knew almost nothing about her. “Did you have to go through the same testing processes?” he asked. “Oh yes.” She smiled. “Physical exams, blood test, DNA mapping. Extensive family histories were taken, psychological exams.” She shook her head slightly. “They must have liked what they saw because they actually tested two more members of the community as well. We ended up with five people from my hometown here in Sanctuary.” She frowned. “Funny thing is I’ve never seen those two extras. I’ve not run across either of those two women. I’ve met up with the guy who ran the co-op, or rather his wife and I’m still in contact with the vet. Caroline is one of the girls I get together with regularly. We were never friends before but now… I guess you cling to something you know.” “And since you came here?” He nudged her as she had prodded him. “I’m assigned to the intermediate level at the Education Center. I teach one of the groups of ten-year-olds, what we would have called fifth graders. I provide instruction in reading and writing.” She picked up her shoes and began to pull them on. “Can’t ten-year-olds read and write?” Images of a small redhead with brown eyes reading out loud to the younger dark-haired brother on the floor of a playroom assaulted his memory. She paused before she answered. When he looked over at her, he saw she was watching his face sadly. “Yes, yes they can,” she replied softly. “It would be more accurate to say I teach what most people think of as English or literature and composition.” He sat still, his face turned toward Charlie who was now running circles about the area. He could almost hear the small serious voice reading out the story and the eager questioning from the fidgeting boy. And the pain in his chest tightened to unbearable proportions. He felt her stand up and saw her shadow fall across him. “We should go now.” He nodded. “Would you like Charlie and me to go on without you?”
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He looked up at her. How did she know he wanted desperately to be alone at that moment? He simply nodded again. Without another word, Leah tugged on Charlie’s leash and began to walk away. The small dog stopped and looked back at him. It let out a soft whimper and made an effort to get back to him, tugging on its lead. James looked down at the ground. A moment later a red bundle of fur was in his lap, curling up against him. The leash had been locked in place and lay on the grass a few feet away. Leah was gone. How had she known?
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Chapter Six He and Charlie took the long way home. So long that it was well into the afternoon and he had stopped at the café he had told her about and bought himself and the dog something to eat. He stood outside the door and stared at the scanner. Part of him didn’t want to enter, he didn’t really want to see her again right now but there was no place else to go. He looked down at the LCD display on the band and checked the time. For the first time he realized she might actually be worried about Charlie. He passed the chip in the identification band on his right wrist under the scanner and the door opened. Someone on the Committee, or maybe the whole Committee, must have been left-handed. That was the only reason he could think of that they’d have thought to give anyone a choice about which wrist wore the band. As he had queued up that day and watched person after person receive the band on their left wrist, he had groaned inside. He’d always worn his watch on his right wrist. It kept it from clanking on the table top when he ate, or scraping across the desk if he was writing something. But he had thankfully been given a choice. He unhooked the dog before walking through the door and the stretched out canine scampered in ahead of him. She wasn’t in the main room and from the way Charlie came scuttling out of the bedroom and off into the kitchen in search of his mistress, she was obviously not there either. It was then that he noticed the flashing of the terminal’s monitor. Reaching out he tapped the screen and opened the message waiting. James, Thought the last thing you’d want is company. I don’t know what’s wrong but you seem to need a bit of space. I’ll be out the rest of the afternoon. Give Charlie a snack for me, would you? I’ll be back before dimming. If you want to talk then, I’m more than willing to listen, if not that’s fine too, I understand. Give some thought to what you want for dinner. There’s no sense in both of us cooking. Leah. He ran the fingers of one hand through his hair and read the message a second time. What was with this woman? On one hand she was really clear that she wasn’t interested in him. She’d said she didn’t want the assignment any more than he did. But then she seemed to be genuinely concerned about what he was feeling, or at least able to read him well. Too well. It was almost spooky how quickly and how well she seemed to read him. He’d prided himself on being damned stoic, unreachable. He’d had nine months to prepare his defenses and this woman slipped right in and in a matter of hours was acting as if she understood him? Maybe she’s just a nice person, asshole, the
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voice in his head was still laughing at him. You know, one of those lovely people without any ulterior motives. Ulterior motives? That was the moment he realized it. The moment he recognized the voice that had laughed at him in his head for months now. Nina. Somehow that evil bitch had become the voice in his head. And who better to know about ulterior motives. Sitting down at the terminal he pulled out the data disk he had all but ignored and slipped it into the drive. It was time he learned a bit more about this woman.
***** “Caroline, have you ever run into anyone you know? Anyone you knew from back home? I mean five of us were chosen. Have you seen any of them?” Leah sipped at the ice water in her glass. Caroline was absently bouncing one foot where it crossed over the other leg. “No, can’t say that I have but Leah, there are over two million people in NAE alone.” She tilted her head to one side. “Didn’t you say you had seen Tom Brunner’s wife?” Two million. It sounded like so many until you realized that of the over seven billion people on the planet, only eight million had been saved. “Yeah, just the once. You and I wouldn’t have met up again if it hadn’t been for Charlie. It was a happy coincidence that you were working that day at the clinic. I was just curious about the others, the two extras that were chosen.” She sat the glass down on the glass tabletop and leaned back. “That was a bit odd, wasn’t it?” Caroline nodded. “The way they came back and tested the whole town after clearing us. Didn’t you know the two women they chose?” Leah shook her head. “Not really. I’d seen them around and Mom said they were distant relatives of Dad’s but I didn’t really know them. One was about my age and the other was a good deal younger. Neither was married, I think.” “Seems right,” Caroline agreed. “So, what do you think of my new assignment?” Her smile widened into a grin. “Definitely cute,” Leah smiled back at her. She had met him briefly as she entered and he exited. “Looked like he was off to get a bit of exercise.” The redhead rolled her eyes. “You have no idea how I owe you for your sudden visit.” Leah watched the woman twirl the ice in her glass. Her face was faintly lined and she looked her thirty-something status. Still she was pretty enough with her large brown eyes, pale skin and sprinkling of freckles. Her body was toned. In the Before Time it was not uncommon to find the small town’s only veterinarian out jogging through the early morning fog. Caroline flashed Leah one of her brightest smiles. “If you hadn’t called when you did I’d have been stuck watching the little jock play rugby.” She rolled her eyes. “That is one interest he is free to pursue on his own.”
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“Maybe we should make sure he meets Jena. If her current assignment doesn’t work out, maybe they’d hit it off.” Leah leaned back in her seat and tried to make her body relax. She kept thinking about James. There was something there. Something had set him off down a dark road this afternoon. Why should I care? She tried to convince herself. She sighed inwardly. Because you’ve got the world’s largest Florence Nightingale complex and have the stupid idea you’re supposed to fix these guys. “Don’t start match-making yet,” Caroline was laughing. “I’d like a chance to turn this one down before you start looking for his next Miss Right.” The red hair brushed her shoulders as she shook her head. “I swear they should put you on the Committee. You’d do a damn sight better than they seem to do.” “If I’m so great why can’t I seem to find my Mr. Right?” Leah replied. “Because you give up too easily,” Caroline answered pointedly. “It saves you the trouble of picking up the pieces when someone else smashes things for you.” Leah’s mouth twisted into a wry smile. “Besides, can we talk about something else? How is it coming with the breeding?” Caroline launched into the details of the latest domestic breeding project. Leah had allowed the Veterinary Services Center to use Charlie in the dachshund breeding program. She was to be reimbursed for her contribution with a pup and the waiver of the bond fee. “Two dogs? Are you sure you want to take that on?” “No. I’m fairly sure I don’t.” “What will you do with the puppy then?” “I have a few ideas. Paul was fond of Charlie, maybe I’ll give the pup to him.” She shrugged. “Paul is too narcissistic to care for an animal. He liked more that people thought he was successful enough to afford Charlie.” Caroline grimaced impatiently. “I’ll figure something out,” Leah assured her. When she did take her leave and start back to the Red Section, her thoughts were again on James. He was a good man, she was sure of it. Despite his gruffness and his porcupine-like defenses, the voice inside her said he was a gentle man, loving even. His wife maybe? Had she hurt him? It seemed more than that. She didn’t know what it was but something made him react the way he did, something that he didn’t want her or anyone else to know about. She was certain he wouldn’t want to talk about what he had been feeling, he just wasn’t the kind. He’d have to trust her a lot more before that happened. Again she acknowledged that his life guide had been right. Even in this short time it was crystal clear. James didn’t trust people in general and he didn’t trust her. “Charlie, I hope you worked your magic,” she muttered as she settled herself on the trolley.
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***** Her seventh assignment? He was her seventh assignment. James sat back in the chair staring at the screen. So far there was nothing shocking or surprising about her except that she had been through six previous assignments. Her life was as plain and unexciting as she was. Her seventh assignment. He let out a deep breath. “Your boss lady is one cool customer for being on assignment seven,” James said to Charlie who was curled up on his lap. “By number seven I think the last thing I’d be doing is telling the bloke that I didn’t want him. I wonder how many she’s rejected and how many times she’s been rejected.” But that information wasn’t available, just the names and dates of the previous assignments. James had pulled up a second screen with the quadrant directory and was cross-referencing the names. Her first assignment was a physicist who was on permanent assignment to a partner. Number two had been a hydraulic engineer and was currently on extension. Number three was a computer designer and like number four, the neurosurgeon, he was married. James made a mental note to look up the man’s name in the HSC directory. Number five had been a chemist who was on extension with a partner from the Asian quadrant. Number six was an athlete-recreation coordinator and was on assignment. Damn, the woman’s practically a love potion, that or every one of these guys got out of the relationship he was so thankful to get someone decent that he proposed on the spot. James mentally kicked himself. What the hell was wrong with him? Why was he being such a shit to this woman? She’d been nothing but kind and gentle, even downright patient with his sorry ass. In case you’ve forgotten you’re no great prize either. Your wife runs off as soon as she can and you got rejected flat by the two assignments you’ve had. Not that he’d been sorry or even disappointed by the latter. His life guide’s screen had chimed with their rejections before he’d even finished his exit interview. He heard the door slide open and he hurriedly tapped the screen and closed the files. Charlie jumped off his lap and ran to his mistress. She bent down and scooped him up. “Did you have a good day with James?” She cuddled him and stroked his head. James watched her for any sign she was upset at his earlier behavior. There was none. “We had a great day, didn’t we boy?” He rose from the chair. “We stopped to play with some kids in the park. I think he had a better time than the kids. They were very excited to see a real dog.” “That’s my boy,” she said. She smiled and lifted her face to look at him. “He’s like Will Rogers. He never met anyone he didn’t like.” “Who?” James frowned. The name sounded familiar but he couldn’t place it. “Sorry, an obscure reference to an old—well, I guess philosopher and entertainer would be the best way to describe him. Just a holdover from my dad. He loved all that old stuff.” She plopped Charlie down and stretched. “I swear, I only came from the Blue Section but those trams take three times as long as necessary to get from point A to point B. I feel like I’ve been sitting for ages.”
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“I’d love to lay my hands on a service pass,” James agreed. “Those guys get around awfully fast.” She nodded. “I’m gonna wash my face and hands. Any idea what they’re running for the hundredth time on the entertainment net tonight?” “Band 23 has great old movies,” he began. “I know, it’s my favorite. Well, next to Band 11.” She smiled. “The documentaries. Yeah, I’ve been known to leave that running all day. Every now and then one will come on and I’ll get hooked.” He smiled at her and was surprised how easy it seemed. He had expected to feel uncomfortable with her after today. “I hate to be clichéd but I’m also a sucker for Band 9.” “Sports,” she groaned. Something about the way she sounded made him think she wasn’t quite serious. “’Fraid so.” She was chuckling and shaking her head. He noticed the single dimple on her left cheek when she smiled. “I’ll make you a deal,” James said suddenly. He wasn’t sure where the impulse had come from but it seemed like a good idea. “If you’re not too tired, I’ll help you create another culinary masterpiece, or just stay out of your way and ooh and ahh admiringly and you get first pick on the net tonight.” She stepped forward and held out her hand. “Sounds like a good deal, my friend.” He clasped the outstretched hand and shook it.
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Chapter Seven “Adíos, Ms. Bradley,” the last of the children called back over his shoulder. “In English,” she called after him and heard him laugh. He was an English as a Second Language student who stayed behind for extra reading help. He was from the Hispanic and Latin American quadrant (HLA) and had moved to the NAE quadrant after his mother had been partnered to a gentleman originally from Canada. The introductory English classes he’d taken as part of Sanctuary’s basic education had given him some foundation but now he needed to be fast-tracked if he was going to live in this quadrant. He was making good progress after only six months. Days like today when he surprised her with his ever expanding vocabulary and stunned her with unexpected gaps—he had thought sit and seat were the same words—she wondered how she would do if assigned to another quadrant. She took her usual seat on the tram thankful for the end of another work week. Resigning herself to a long ride, she sat back to watch the grey walls pass. Some of the sectors were having large murals done on the walls, landscapes mostly. The trend had not reached the central hub where the Education Center was located but she had noticed a section of wall near James’ quarters being blocked off. The sign had announced the coming work would be a representation of Scotland. “Now this will be interesting,” James had muttered grumpily. “Come on, I’ve never been there but from the pictures it’s beautiful,” she had argued. “Yeah but what do you paint? This isn’t Scotland, this is the NAE Red Section. If you paint one of the Cathedrals, you’re going to piss off the Irish. If you paint something like the National Wallace Monument you piss off the English. Paint anything too bland and conciliatory and you’ll piss me off. Mark my words, it will be some random green hills that look like they could have come from anywhere in the world.” He had shaken his head and walked on past. “You don’t understand. You aren’t part of this.” “You’re right. I’m not. I was part of the United States, where if it’s too religious you anger the atheists and first amendment people. If it’s not religious enough, you anger the far right. Then you have to balance all the ethnicities, African-American, Latino, Asian-American, Irish-American, Polish-American, Italian-American, French-American, West Indian-American, Native American…” She stopped when she saw him start to laugh. “You win, you win.” He lifted his hands in defeat. “Why is it that we always think our little corner of the world is the most screwed up?”
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She had smiled then. “Because we generally don’t notice the bulldozer ’til it’s knocking down our house.” Charlie met her at the door and followed her as she headed into her room. She dropped her bag on the desk and put a small amount of food into his bowl. The residence was quiet. As usual, she had been the last to leave that morning and was the first to arrive. She had been surprised at first when James had told her the nurses worked ten-hour days, four days a week. “It was that way in the Before Time too,” he had told her. “With the shortages of nurses I worked a lot of ten- or twelve-hour shifts sometimes five or six days a week. Besides, you seem to be putting in more hours than I do,” he had pointed out over last night’s dinner when she had asked him if the shift bothered him. “You come home and you’re at the terminal for a couple of hours every night reviewing the children’s work.” She had finished her shower and was taking her time about dressing when she saw Charlie’s head perk up and he hopped up and ran to the door of the room. He stood there whining. James was home. In one week it seemed that the man had won over the little dog and the feeling was glaringly mutual. Leah smiled sadly. It was going to be hard on both of them when the assignment ended. Again she was certain James was more than he seemed. Charlie had good instincts about people and anyone who could be so kind to an animal was surely a good person. She finished with her clothes and slipped back into the bathroom and grabbed the small plastic basket that contained her bathing supplies. She jumped when the opposite door opened. “Sorry,” James said hastily and started to back out. “It’s okay, I’m done. I’m just gathering my stuff. I’ll be out of your way in a minute.” He looked at the basket in her hand and shook his head. “I wondered how you were managing.” He stared thoughtfully at her for a minute. This was silly. They were two grown adults, she’d be here for three months, it was selfish and stupid to make her feel like she couldn’t relax and be comfortable. Things this week had been the easiest he could ever remember them being. Easier than his first week living with Nina, easier than his first weeks with the previous assignments, being here with Leah was just…easy. “You know, you don’t have to keep yourself contained to that room. There are two sides to the medicine chest, two doors to the bathroom cabinet and two desks in the main room. Charlie has made himself at home, it’s time you did too.” As he said the words he realized he meant them. He wanted Leah to feel as comfortable as she had been trying to make him feel. And the biggest surprise was that she was succeeding. He hated to admit it but she was awfully easy to live with, at least to this point. She smiled at him. “Thank you. I’ll take you up on that offer and try not to take over the bathroom.” He found his mouth curling up in response. “Sounds good and I’ll try not to leave a mess.”
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She laughed, “You are the least messy person I’ve ever known.” It was true, he had to admit. He liked things neat and in order. He liked his life neat and in order. Maybe that was what made him so comfortable with Leah. She didn’t challenge his ordered world. She seemed to just slip into the cracks and fill the vacant spaces without disturbing him. Come to think of it, he wasn’t sure that was an entirely good thing. “Take one of the desks,” he urged her. “I guess there should be some evidence that someone besides me actually lives here now.” She thanked him and turned and walked out of the bathroom. The shower felt wonderful and he cursed silently when the timing mechanism sounded the end of his allotment. Water purification was an expensive and complicated process. Water was not to be used wantonly or wastefully. He finished quickly and was just about to shut the faucet off himself when the automatic shut off stopped the water for him. The water in the shower wouldn’t restart for 20 minutes. This had taken some work the first morning when he and Leah discovered they both took morning showers and were both likely to indulge in a second shower after work. The compromise involved him getting up 10 minutes earlier than he had and her compensating him by getting up early with him and making breakfast. Though he knew he was by far getting the better deal, after the first couple days, the only person who seemed disgruntled with the arrangement was Charlie who was forced by his need to be with his people to abandon his warm bed and follow them about. Thinking about it, James decided he’d start getting the coffee ready the night before. The pot had a timer and it might be nice to wake up to coffee. He refused to think about the fact that this would save her a couple of steps in the morning. He came out of the bedroom and found her sitting at the spare terminal in the main room. He suppressed a smile of pleasure. She was nice, he’d give her that. So far in the seven days she’d been here, he’d seen nothing to contradict this. Even her sense of humor, which he had discovered could be sharp and biting, was generally directed at herself and the faceless bureaucracy that complicated everyone’s lives. But seven days wasn’t very long. Her focus was on the terminal and she was sighing. He walked over and stood behind her. “Not good?” he asked. “No, it’s very good but it’s not the assignment.” She shook her head. “For some reason this student feels that the assignment guidelines are not for him. It’s an excellent essay but it’s not the assignment.” James found himself smiling. “Well, sometimes we boys take delight in doing exactly what we know we are not supposed to do. I believe I drove several of my teachers from the profession in my day.” Leah laughed softly. “I can imagine. I can just see that little dark-haired boy stubbornly insisting on knowing exactly why each paragraph needed a topic sentence, or why he had to read that story when he didn’t like it.”
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Her words pulled forth a memory that made his heart contract and ache. He was standing in the small classroom listening to the elderly woman explain to him that David had to follow the class schedule like everyone else but was refusing to. He closed his eyes and drew a deep breath, pushing the memory away. When he opened them again, she was looking at him. The expression of compassion and pity that had settled on her face produced a reaction he didn’t expect. Anger. “Yeah,” he shrugged turning away, “we all have our moments.” He paused at the door to the kitchen. “I’ll cook tonight if you’d like to finish.” “That would be lovely.” The gentleness of her response made his jaw tighten. He didn’t want her feeling sorry for him. What did she know of him anyway? She had no idea why she was sorry. No idea why he didn’t deserve her pity. He finished putting the pasta dish together and placed it in the oven to bake. Quietly he walked to the door of the kitchen and looked out at her. She was still sitting before the terminal and seemed fixed on the monitor. Occasionally she would use the light pen to circle something on the screen. His anger was abating and he was starting to feel guilty for it. He wasn’t angry at her, he had to admit. He was angry at himself. He watched her shut off the screen and turn toward him. She watched him for a minute, seeming to search his face, then smiled slightly. “I don’t think I can look at another essay. I’m likely to run screaming if I do.” She stood and rubbed the back of her neck. “Dinner done already?” “No.” He pushed away from the door frame where he had been leaning and walked toward her. “No, it’ll be another several minutes.” She nodded in response and moved to curl up on the sofa. He walked over to the terminal she had been using and looked at the framed photographs she had set on the shelf. She had taken his invitation to make herself comfortable at its word. He examined the faces. The man was short, balding and had bright green eyes. He stood next to a pretty woman with more than a few lines on her face. Her dark hair was graying and pulled into a knot on the back of her head. A second frame held a very pretty young woman and a handsome young man. Each held a child on their lap. A final, larger photograph held all of these individuals, plus two young men and standing among them was Leah. She was smiling happily at the camera. “My family,” she answered the unspoken question. He turned to her and nodded. She rose and came back over to where he stood. She touched the first photograph. “My parents.” She moved on to the second, “My sister Rachel and her husband. These are my nieces.” She picked up the larger frame and pointed to the two young men. “My brothers, Jacob and Isaac.” She turned a smiling face to him. “My parents weren’t all that religious, they just seemed to think the Bible a good source of names.” “That’s one large family,” he lifted an eyebrow and shook his head. “What can I say?” she grinned. “My parents believed children were a blessing. My father always said with all the perfectly good names in the Old Testament, it’d take
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them a while to get to Matthew, Mark and Luke but they’d do their darnedest. Mother, however, said when they started coming in twos,” she pointed at the young men who were obviously twins, “it was time to stop.” The silent laugh shook his shoulders. “You clearly got your sense of humor from them.” Her green eyes sparkled up at him. “I did, mostly Dad I think. He was very calm, though. Very settled and laid back. My mother had a temper and could shout the house down around us. But no matter how riled she got, or how moody we kids were, he was calm. He seemed to be able to calm all of us down, just by being there.” “Seems to me you got that from him too,” James said, looking again at the softly smiling face of the man. Leah’s smile deepened. “Poor Dad. He used to say he had done me a horrible disservice. I should have looked like my mother—the others did. But I ended up looking like him. My mother used to say I was my father in a dress.” Her smile turned somewhat sad. “Not exactly the best thing in the world to hear but truthful. Mom was nothing else if not truthful.” James looked at the family before him and the thought struck him hard. They were dead. All of these shining faces were dead. The lovely young woman, her smiling husband and the two tiny children were dead. The wild-eyed young men who stood with their arms around Leah’s shoulders, hugging her tight were dead. She had lost them as surely as he had lost… “It should have been Rachel,” she sighed. He looked at her sad face and saw the eyes brighten with unshed tears. She didn’t have to explain what she meant. It should have been her sister who was chosen. Her sister, the smiling man and the two little girls, they would all be alive if she had been chosen instead of Leah. “We all have our guilt to bear,” she whispered softly. “Sometimes I forget that.” “I think sometimes we all forget that,” James watched the back of her head as she turned and replaced the photograph. He spoke the question that filled his mind. “Why have them out, Leah? Why have them out if they make you feel so bad?” She didn’t turn but brushed her hand over the frames one by one. “Because they are part of me. I couldn’t and wouldn’t be who I am without them. I loved them. Each one of them. This way I can remind myself that I have a piece of them with me still, in here.” She tapped the side of her head. She turned to look at him and placed her hand over her heart. “And of course, in here.” “But doesn’t it make you feel worse? To look at them every day and to know…” His voice trailed off. He couldn’t say the words. To know they should have lived and you should have died. “No. It reminds me that I was given a chance they weren’t. If I hadn’t been chosen I’d be dead too. That doesn’t mean they’d be alive. For some reason I don’t understand, James, I was given a chance to live. Now I have to honor them by doing just that. By 47
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living and making sure I do my best to remember who I am, who they were and to make sure the things they loved and believed live on.” She shook her head. “I know it sounds clichéd, almost trite but it’s true. They wouldn’t want me to spend my life mourning for them. They’d want me to spend my life remembering them and making the most of this chance.” “And exactly how do you do that?” Let her answer that one, he thought moodily. “How do you put behind you the loss of everyone you loved and move on?” She tilted her head to one side and her eyes locked onto his. He watched the green as it seemed to swirl, as if the color had suddenly come alive. It was as if she was listening for something or seeing something he didn’t hear or see. The expression was eerie but he couldn’t look away. “You just do it, James. You do it because the alternative is to throw away what was taken, stolen, from them.” She turned and walked toward the door to her room. “And doing that is an insult to them and their memory.”
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Chapter Eight As she lay there that night she couldn’t stop herself from thinking about James. It was only natural, she told herself. It wasn’t as if she were having romantic thoughts about him. No, he had a lovely voice and his eyes, well the sad longing look in them did touch her heart. But no, it was more that she was curious. Why was he in the pool? Why was he being given assignments when he was so obviously not ready? Could it be that his life guide didn’t see how much pain he was in? The first year of their existence in Sanctuary had been about getting settled. They had been sealed inside less than a week when the impact occurred. The central hubs and main caverns held and had little damage from the tremors but several outer caverns had had extensive damage and been deemed unsafe and rebuilding would take twice as long now without outside resources. A bit less than a year later, after intensive testing and counseling, after being given a chance to grieve and to come to terms with the fact that everything and everyone they had known before was dead, those that were deemed ready were placed on their first assignments. What had he left behind that made him so resistant? What had happened to make him still not ready? According to his file, his divorce had been over a year ago. She had come with him to Sanctuary so there could be no guilt over leaving her behind. Whatever it was, something gnawed at him. When sleep finally settled over her it did so slowly. She had just surrendered when she was aware of herself standing before a large, white porcelain sink. Her hands were scalded and held beneath the running water so hot the rising steam obscured her vision. She was rubbing at her hands, desperately, violently scrubbing at them. The steam cleared and she saw them, stained deep red, the water running off of them turning crimson and swirling as it slipped down the drain. Blood. Her hands were covered in blood. She could see no wounds, felt no pain of injury but no matter how she scrubbed, no matter how much water, no matter how much soap she used, the scarlet stains would not leave her skin. Her heart was pounding in her chest and her breathing was coming in ragged gasps. Lifting her eyes she caught her reflection in the mirror. Amber eyes partly obscured by raven hair stared back at her. Pale brown eyes filled with anguish and guilt. The shout sat her bolt upright in bed. She lifted her hands and searched for the blood. Of course she found none. She heard the shout again and realized it had not come from her own throat. The rain was a soft wet drizzle but the chill in the air turned the dampness into an icy mist that invaded his body and froze his limbs. He was aware only of the cold and of the painful
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numbness in his fingers and toes. The pavement looked like black ice as it reflected the moonlight up from its wet surface. He stood alone in the middle of the road. No sound came from the tree lines on either side. No movement, no sound, no smell, nothing touched him but the heavy weight of the silence and the cold. A noise behind him spun him around. There she stood at the side of the road. Her brown eyes shone out at him from the pale face framed by the long red hair. She wore a soft smile. He turned to walk toward her but he couldn’t move forward. It was as if some invisible wall held him separate from her. A movement caught his eye and he turned to find the small boy standing opposite her. His brown eyes reflected the shimmering light and the black hair seemed almost streaked with silver from where the moonlight touched it. The tiny five-year-old face was serious and regarded him cautiously. The final flash of movement came and he knew what he’d see. Seven years old and every inch her mother, she stood directly in front of him. Had his hand obeyed his mind he could have reached out and touched her. The dark brown eyes searched his face. The rain began to fall in earnest now. Pouring down his face, plastering the dark hair to his skin. “James,” she said. He turned. The woman’s face was now streaked with blood, her eyes open and vacant. His pulse pounded inside his temple and his stomach clenched like an angry fist. “The children, James. The children.” He didn’t want to turn. He knew what he’d find but his body wasn’t obeying him, it was following the command of the dream. His head swiveled to look at the boy. The open gaping wound at his throat leaked blood down the front of his shirt. The tiny hand reached for him and the eyes became those of a doll, shining the reflection of light but offering no reflection of life. “No,” he whispered softly. “No, don’t make me.” But his body turned of its own accord and he looked into the eyes of the girl. Blood poured from a wound on her forehead and spurted from the gash in her pink pajamas. He watched, unable to look away as the paling lips formed the word. “Daddy.” The eyes slowly closed. He looked down at his hands. Blood covered them. The rain poured down so hard it stung his skin but the blood remained. It ran in rivulets down his arms and dripped off his elbows. Still it stained his hands and would not go away, would not be cleansed, would not leave. “No,” he cried softly, trying to wipe away the blood, his hands leaving crimson streaks down his shirt, down his pants legs. “No,” he said more forceful this time, loud and commanding. He rubbed his hands together in the falling rain. The blood stayed but they were gone. All three gone. “No!” he screamed out. His hands held in front of him, his eyes wild, he sat up, the blanket pooling at his waist. Cool air chilled his bare chest where the already cold sweat had dampened the skin. He stared at his hands and for several seconds it seemed he could still see the blood. A knock on his door. Someone was knocking on the bedroom door. He hit the switch placed conveniently on the wall next to the bed. The lights in the room came up and he looked at his hands again. No blood. Of course there was no blood. Not now. Not this night.
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The knock came again and he heard his name being called urgently from the other side. “James,” a woman’s voice called. It took his mind a minute to remember who owned that voice. Leah. Leah was knocking on his door. He swallowed hard. “What is it?” His voice sounded harsh and strained. “Are you all right? Can I come in?” He ran a hand through his hair. Damn! Had he actually cried out? Had he awakened her? He stood and pulled the robe from the end of the bed and wrapped it around himself. He touched the lamp near his bed and flipped out the main lights, darkening the room. A piece of him sought to hide just a bit in the dim light. “Come on in.” The door slid open and she entered. A thick blue robe was wrapped around a sensible pair of flannel pajamas. He avoided looking at her face. He didn’t want to see the anxious concern there that she had betrayed in her voice. He turned away from her and sat down heavily. “What did you need?” She didn’t speak. The silence stretched out between them until he finally lifted his head and looked at her. The gentleness in her eyes reached out to him, it had been a long time since anyone had looked at him with such openness and concern. He wasn’t certain if it were comforting or frightening. “What did you need, Leah?” he repeated. He was tired. His body was suddenly drained and he wanted to rest. He feared sleep but he needed it. “You know what I needed,” she spoke barely above a whisper. She moved to stand before him and placed her hand on his shoulder. Had he not been so spent he would have pulled away from her as he did any time she had forgotten herself and touched him. He had decided early on she was one of those people who touched others, who reached out for physical contact. He had avoided it even to the extent of pulling his hand roughly from her when she made the mistake of touching him. But she kept reaching out to him. At the touch of her hand, his body seemed to grow even weaker, his muscles slackened. “James,” she began softly, “I heard you cry out. You know that’s why I’m here. I know you don’t want to tell me what’s wrong but I wanted to be sure you were all right.” “I’m fine,” he said brusquely. “It’s been a good number of years since a nightmare sent me crawling into my mother’s bed, so believe me you’re safe.” She drew back from him sharply. Guilt flooded him. He hadn’t meant to say that. He really hadn’t, it just came out. He looked up at her. She couldn’t have looked more shocked and hurt if he had slapped her. “I’m sorry, Leah,” he sighed, looking down. Something wet had been nudging his leg and he reached down to pet Charlie, who must have followed her into the room. “I didn’t mean anything by that. I’m fine. I had a bit of a nightmare but I’m a big boy and I’m fine. Thank you for your concern.” He straightened and swung his legs around and stretched out on the bed. 51
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She turned and he thought she meant to leave. Instead she sat down on the bed next to him. “James, I’m not asking you to open up to me or tell me anything you don’t want to. Confidences are given, not extracted. Trust is earned, not demanded.” “Do you always talk like a fortune cookie?” Damn it! He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. Why couldn’t he just shut up? Why did he always give vent to the nastiest thoughts when she was near? Why did he seem intent on making her hate him? She was just trying to be nice. Her mouth pressed tight for a moment and she drew a deep breath and continued as if she hadn’t heard him. She reached out again and patted his hand where it lay on the bed. “I’d never ask you to share what you weren’t ready to share. I’d never ask you to pretend to feel empathy, friendly affection or compassion where you do not feel it. You are always free to refuse it, when I offer it to you. I only ask that you not belittle me for the offering.” He was without a doubt the most exasperating man. He made it so hard to be kind to him sometimes. So hard to simply be a good person. She moved to stand. She’d leave him alone. If he didn’t want simple human kindness, then fine. She was stopped by the pressure of a hand on hers. She turned and looked at the tawny eyes that peered out from behind the lock of ebony hair that had fallen across his brow. He was searching her face for something. As her eyes met his she understood. He was looking for sincerity. Something in her ached. Whatever it was, whatever haunted him, whatever had hurt him so, made him doubt. Not just others, but doubt himself as well. “Leah.” His voice was unsteady. “I’m sorry. Truly. Thank you for being concerned about me.” She didn’t know what possessed her. She couldn’t stop herself. The hand not under his reached up and brushed the hair from his face. He flinched but did not push her away or pull completely from her touch. He also did not move his hand. “Do you want to get up and have a drink?” She smiled at him. “I picked up an herbal tea blend that might help you calm down and won’t keep you up.” “No.” He shook his head, his smile faint and forced. “I think I’ll try to go back to sleep.” She patted his hand and stood only to find he had not relinquished hers. He was gripping it tightly, staring up at her. She looked down at his face. He watched her for moment. “I don’t understand you,” he said softly. “I just don’t understand you.” “You don’t have to,” she said. Her smile appeared again, only this time it was bitter and sad. She turned to go. At the door she stopped, turned and called back to the dog. “Come on Charlie.” “Leah?” “Yes, James?”
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“Charlie’s welcome to sleep here if he wants.” She said nothing, only nodded. Stepping back toward the bed, she lifted the dog. The little red hound quickly found a spot in the center of James’ chest and curled into a ball. When the door closed, she couldn’t help but smile.
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Chapter Nine He sat silently at the table, eating the food before him mechanically. She had long given up trying to carry on even the simplest conversation with him. He had done little more than grunt at her since he had finally emerged from his room late the morning after his cries had awakened her. She had heard him call out twice more in the week that followed. Each time she had knocked and entered his room. He had remained lying still on the bed, his eyes shut as if he feigned sleep. She knew he was awake and he knew she knew. She would back out of the room, leaving Charlie behind to provide the comfort he would not accept from her. Saturday morning again and she was filling her cup and planned to head back to the terminal in the main room to finish a bit of work she had left undone. She could feel him watching her back as she poured the coffee into her mug. She understood why. Anyone with any ounce of empathy would understand why he was in such a volatile mood. He was embarrassed. He was embarrassed and uncomfortable because of the nightmare, because of the exchange between them that night and because he couldn’t stop himself from exposing his vulnerability to her. Still understanding this didn’t make it any less stressing to be ignored this way. She turned slowly and, sure enough, he had lowered his gaze. Words of reassurance filled her mind but that tiny voice that sometimes spoke in her ear kept her silent. It told her that he wouldn’t welcome her comfort and would most likely become angry. Well, not really angry, actually just more embarrassed but he’d mask it in his anger. She had just reached the doorway when the sound of his voice made her jump. “Do you have any plans for today?” These were the most words he had strung together and sent in her direction in a week. He still wasn’t looking at her but at the far wall, waiting for her answer. “Yes, actually,” she answered, her voice sounding odd and loud after the long stretch of silence. “My friends and I had plans for this afternoon.” “I see.” His voice was flat and dull, almost as if he were already bored with the conversation. “You’re welcome to come if you’d like.” She hoped she didn’t sound too hopeful but damn it would do him some good to get out. “No, thank you.” He pushed up out of his chair and carried the remains of his lunch plate to the sink. “I was only asking because I’ll be out all afternoon.” “I see,” she answered softly. Thank goodness he was getting out. And at least he was giving some consideration to her, letting her know he’d be out, probably thinking
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she planned to prepare dinner for them. Meals were the only time he had been in the same room with her for the past seven days. “Do you want me to feed Charlie before I leave?” Charlie. She almost laughed at herself. Of course. He was concerned about Charlie. “No,” she said, her voice sounding more firm and calm than she felt. “I’ll take care of him before I go.” She left the room and settled down before her terminal and tried to concentrate. When he finally emerged from his room an hour later she was gone. Charlie was curled up on the sofa on an old navy and brown afghan Leah’s grandmother had made. He walked over and picked the pup up. “Your boss lady catches you on that and I don’t like your chances little guy,” he picked up the blanket and spread it out over the back of the couch. He liked the look of it and made a mental note to pickup something equivalent to replace it when she left. This was another thing she’d been right about. She had announced a couple of days ago that if he didn’t mind, she’d like to make the place feel a little more homelike for both of them. He hadn’t exactly been talking to her so he didn’t object. She had taken his noncommittal grunt as his agreement. He had no sooner moved away from the couch than the small dog was tugging the blanket back down. Once he had it back on the seat he turned and burrowed and pawed at it until it was just right in his doggie mind and then he settled down to sleep. James was almost certain the look on the long narrow face was one of “so there”. A short time later he disembarked from the trolley and entered the gate of the Recreation Complex. The area had three larger arenas, two for football and one for basketball, as well as several smaller sports fields including areas for football, softball, basketball and tennis. These fields were generally used by the women’s teams or by groups of people who enjoyed a bit of recreational play. James cut left and headed for one of the larger arenas. Of course large meant large by the standards of Sanctuary. Each held just over three hundred people. Getting tickets was a rarity. When Robert Evans announced he’d scored not one but four tickets he had become a very popular guy. James had not asked to be included but Robert was the closest thing he had to a friend and seemed to know it. It was to James he offered the first ticket. James saw Robert, flanked by two others, waiting beside the entrance to the seating. It was then he noticed that the crowd seemed to be moving in the wrong direction, out of the arena. “Can you believe the lousy luck,” Robert greeted him with a scowl. “I finally get tickets and they cancel the game.” “What happened?” “They say the irrigation pipe burst and the field is flooded. Unusable,” Tim, a blond who worked in Trauma, grumbled. 55
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“Ah, Soldier Field used to flood out Bears’ games ’til they built a bigger stadium,” Aaron’s Chicago accent pulled out the a’s as he spoke. “So today’s a washout,” James said wryly. “Not completely,” Robert reassured him. “There are still some decent games on the outer fields. One of the night nurses swears by a woman’s team called the Blue Daemons. Thought we’d check ’em out. At the very least they’ll be good for a laugh and a beer. They’re playing a team from the Red Sector today,” he finished, reading the schedule from the hand-held data unit. James shrugged. “The Red Sector team is supposed to be good.” When they reached the smaller field they had a good-natured disagreement about where to sit. James and Tim favored the Red stands. Tim hailed from the Green Sector, which played host to those who came from the Oceana countries such as his native Australia. In the end they let themselves be convinced to join the Blue crowd. “I’ve seen bigger fields for high school football,” Robert complained. This, the largest of the smaller stadiums, held just over one hundred fans. “Don’t start that,” Aaron groaned. “Hailey is always going on about how unfair things are for women here. Not enough for women’s sports, not enough women on the Committee, man, I hear it at home I don’t wanna hear it here.” James followed passively, thinking to himself that Hailey, Aaron’s pretty little life partner, was right. Reaching center field, Tim smiled brightly at an attractive redhead and asked about the empty seats on either side of her. The woman seemed to take his measure critically before replying, “They’re taken, I’m afraid. My friends are just off at the concession stand.” They squeezed past her and climbed the risers to take spots four rows up from her. James had just wedged himself into his seat when Tim and Aaron declared their intent to join the queue at the concession stand. He offered to go but the men declined. He sat next to Robert and absently watched the women on the field warming up. “Man, I’m not sure what was luckier, getting the tickets or all of us managing to get today off,” Robert was saying to his left. James nodded. “I’m normally off today. I only have to pull the emergency surgery shift one weekend a month and then it’s an on-call kind of thing.” He shook his head, “You know, that’s one of the weirdest things about this place. Three-day weekends.” He looked at Robert who shrugged. Robert had worked in retail in the Before Time. He had been retrained since coming to Sanctuary. “Seems reasonable to me.” His dark eyes narrowed. “Doctors make the schedules, they don’t want to work weekends or what passes for weekends here, so their favorite nurses get to reap the benefit of it.” James nodded. “How did Tim and Aaron manage to get off?” “Begged and traded their firstborn I think,” Robert grinned broadly. “This is one sorry payback they got.”
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James was smiling for the first time in a week. But it only lasted a moment before any semblance of a smile wiped off his face completely. Leah. She had just walked up to the redheaded woman and was handing her a bottled drink. She didn’t look up or even turn in his direction but settled herself between the redhead and a tall brunette who had returned with her. A moment later they were joined by a blond man who took the spot created for him when Leah and the brunette separated. He began to pass along food to the women. James’ stomach tightened and he had the distinct fear his lunch was about to reappear. He had parried and deflected the usual questions the week following his new assignment and it didn’t take long for the people around him, even Robert, to stop the jokes and the inquiries. So far, all anyone at work knew was that he had been assigned to someone named Leah who worked at the Education Center. This began to feel like a nightmare he had had just after viewing her file for the first time. Robert would be polite, Aaron would say something tactless and stupid and Tim, who had a big mouth, would soon have informed the entire HSC about his business. “Yo! You guys gonna help with this stuff,” Aaron’s big voice boomed over the sound of the crowd. Robert jumped up and reached for the paper cups and trays of food that the two men were passing back. James stole a look at Leah, she had her head ducked down as Aaron stood, one foot on the bench next to her, reaching over the crowd to hand the food back. Her friends were turned half around looking curiously at the destination of the mountains of nachos, soy dogs and beer the two men seemed to be passing over their heads. “Hey James, wake up!” Aaron called out to him as he squeezed past the redhead and shoved two cups and a paper sack at him. James grabbed them and sat back down, keeping an eye on Leah. “Sure you lovely ladies don’t want some extra company?” Tim was smiling at the redhead again. James heard Leah’s laugh join the others as the woman fixed Tim with a critical look and loudly and pointedly declined. “Come on now, you’re passing up a great deal here,” Tim said, his smile was wide, “two good-looking silvers here.” Tim pointed to his silver identification band, which indicated he was not paired. He then nodded up to James. “My buddy’s a silver too.” James cursed silently as all heads turned to look at him. He couldn’t help himself, he looked straight into Leah’s eyes. Her face colored slightly but her expression did not change. She turned away and he could see the stiffness that invaded her. The redhead declined again and Tim turned his grin to the brunette. “No takers?” The woman held up her left hand showing the gold identification band. “Sorry handsome but no-go.” The small man sitting next to her slid his arm around her shoulders and gave Tim a look that clearly indicated he should get moving and get moving now. 57
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Tim shrugged and pushed his way up the rows to drop down next to James. “Well, you can’t say I didn’t try.” He grabbed a cup from Robert’s outstretched hand and drank deeply. “I’ll tell you, I intend to find my own partner. The requested partnering was a godsend if you know what I mean.” James muttered incoherently. He hoped it would be taken as agreement. Replaying in his mind at that moment was the look on Leah’s face and the realization that Tim had flirted with all of the women in the group but her. Aaron was shrugging and mumbling through a mouthful of nachos. “The Committee way isn’t so bad. It’s not perfect, you just don’t get perfect. Those days are over.” “This spoken by the man who landed Hailey,” Tim pointed out. James had to admit that Aaron’s life partner was not only very pretty but intelligent and more than a match for the big man. Aaron could be as loud and as irritable as the bear he resembled. Hailey could match his shouts and take the wind out of his sails quickly. He had never been so grateful to hear a whistle as he was at that moment. The game was getting underway and he would have something to think about apart from how Leah’s stiff posture was now drawing the attention of her friends. The brunette said something that elicited a shrug from Leah and the woman turned and frowned in their direction. Not at him, he realized but at Tim. So Leah had noticed the slight and so had her friends. He felt bad for her. He understood, of course he understood but it was still rude. Worse, he had the distinct impression it had hurt her and he felt sorry for it. She was a nice person. He turned his attention to the game. As James watched it became clear that a young blond woman was dominating the action for the Blue Daemons. The team was filled with good players but the focus was definitely the blonde. After only a few minutes the young woman scored. He was surprised to see Leah and her friends jump out of their seats and cheer, almost as surprised as when they began to chant the name “Jena”. He saw the blonde look over at the stands quickly and smile. The teams were well matched and the play was exciting. James found himself getting caught up in the action on the field. Caught up, but never enough to completely distract him from the fact that Leah was sitting just a few feet away and behaving as if he didn’t exist. She had not looked back or acknowledged him in any way. Instead she seemed just as focused on the game as her friends and was on her feet again and again. In fact, she seemed to have forgotten he was there at all. That or she just didn’t care. The look of horror on James’ face when he had met her eyes was burned in her memory as her shame had been burned on her face. As the game started she told herself again and again that this shouldn’t be bothering her. It shouldn’t be a big deal. Yeah, he was holding more firmly to his aversion to her than the others ever had. By this point she had met the others’ friends and been introduced as almost one of the guys. He was
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still hiding her from his friends. He never spoke to her of them and he obviously had never spoken to them of her. She shook herself. It really didn’t matter. She was aware of Rebecca’s regard and was relieved she hadn’t described James more thoroughly to them. James was a common name and surely they wouldn’t make the connection. She hadn’t at first. Luckily Rebecca had taken her response as a reaction to being pointedly ignored by James’ rather cheeky friend. James had used that word to describe one of her students’ behavior last week when he’d actually been talking to her. She smiled slightly to herself. Yes, cheeky was a good word. She liked the way it sounded perfectly like the behavior it described. She had felt James relax when she turned around without giving any sign she recognized him. Her heart was clenched into a tight knot. His shame in her was flooding through her as if he were pouring it out over her in an actual deluge. He was so very ashamed of her. Her eyes burned as the tears threatened to come. I will not cry, she told herself harshly. She would not give in to the weakness. She had cried her tears over this the first day and wouldn’t do it again. She felt Rebecca’s hand cover hers and squeeze it. She started to squeeze back but the pity they all felt hit her so hard it took her breath away. James was ashamed of her and they were all sorry for her. Her skin began to burn, this time with anger. Her mother’s voice was sounding in her brain. “Leah, stop it! Sorry never solved anything. Never let them see you hurt. Never let them know it hurts.” But it was her father’s face that filled her mind. He held the sobbing child on his knee in the shade that had filled the little woods behind their house. “Don’t cry, little one. We’re special, you and I,” he had told her, his words making no more sense than her mother’s. “That’s why they hurt us, to help to ease their own pain. But we can see that they hurt so we know not to let it wound us.” She had clung to those words most of her life. But lately it was harder and harder to keep them in mind. Harder and harder to look at those around her, see their pain and not let it hurt her. She was tired, tired of trying to understand. “She’s gonna score,” Caroline’s voice pulled her out of her fog and she watched Jena maneuvering on the field. Leah took a deep breath and let the excitement of her friends, the joy of the crowd, fill her. She was up out of her seat with the rest of them, cheering their friend as she scored. Jena managed to give them a small smile but as usual she was focused on the game to the exclusion of everything and everyone. Periodically she heard the men who had come with James join the cheering. She let herself get lost in the exuberance of those around her, let herself sink into their happiness and use it to push away the shame and anger. Thank God for her friends. The game ended with a victory for Jena and her team. The crowd was beginning to thin out when the blonde jogged over, sweaty and smiling. “Okay, who’s buying the conquering warrior dinner?” “Dinner? After all this food?” Stephen groaned. “How about a drink instead?”
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A bright smile split the dirt-streaked face. “You’re on. Blue Moon?” “Where else?” Caroline shrugged. “All right, Leah. We won so you know what that means.” Leah couldn’t help but smile back into the blue eyes, she gave an exaggerated groan, “Oh not that!” Stephen’s arm looped over her shoulders. “Yes that.”
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Chapter Ten At first he had cursed Tim’s persistence. “I’m not giving up on that redhead yet.” Then he had cursed Robert’s persuasive ability. “You are not ducking out on us. It’s been weeks since you’ve been out. Your new assignment got you chained already? No? Then one beer isn’t going to kill you.” Now he was just cursing his own stupidity for agreeing to go along. They were seated at a table in the front of the bar. Leah and her friends had walked in, straight past them and to a table toward the back. He watched her surreptitiously and noticed the number of people who waved at her, called out to her or simply smiled a greeting as she passed. This was her place. These were the people who knew her. Aaron bulldozed his way back to them, shutting off the data reader as he went. “Called Hailey. She’s going to get in touch with Shay and meet us here.” Robert nodded. “Talk about being chained,” James muttered under his breath. “You could call your assignment and have her meet us,” he pointed out. Turning to Tim, he added, “How long before you get reassignment?” Tim shrugged. “My guide said it might take a couple of weeks. With Remembrance Day next week, it slows things down. Besides, I’m in one of the biggest cycles. My assignment dates come due with over half of the people in Sanctuary. It takes a while sometimes to sort it out. Something about trying to stagger it to make it more manageable for the guides.” “Well, Shay and I have one last visit with the guides until we’re ready for children. I can’t say I’m looking forward to it,” Robert groaned. “I mean we’re married already, give it a rest.” “My guide is an annoying little tight-ass. Sounds like he swallowed the Committee code book.” Tim looked over at James. “Didn’t we decide we have the same one?” “I’m not sure,” James swallowed hard. Surely there was no way Tim could find out anything about Leah from that idiot Harrison? The man breathed, ate, slept and probably shat the code book. No, he sighed inwardly. Harrison would never breach confidentiality. Noise from the back of the room distracted them all. Several people were congratulating the blonde in Leah’s group for her win. The guitarist in the small band that was set up on a raised platform was waving, calling someone up. “Okay folks, Jena and her fellow Daemons won, you know what that means.” Several whoops went up and there was applause and whistles. When he saw who the whistles and waving were for, his heart nearly stopped in his chest. Leah. She was dragging along reluctantly, resisting as the blonde pushed her
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toward the stage. Her head was down-turned and covered by her hair where it fell obscuring her face as she climbed up the two small steps. The blonde was shouting, “Two goals Leah, you know what that means.” Had she lost a bet? The crowd was laughing. James felt his stomach grow tight. They were laughing at her. She was about to be embarrassed, hell, she was embarrassed. He felt his own face growing hot. “This should be good,” Tim elbowed him. “It’s the third wheel from earlier.” James felt his jaw tighten. He wanted to leave but if he did it would be noticed. He wanted to refuse to look at Leah, to witness this but he couldn’t pull his eyes away. He wanted to hit Tim in the mouth but that wasn’t a possibility either. The crowd got very quiet as Leah stood there before the microphone, eyes still on the floor. The voice inside his head chastised him. What kind of friends are these? And you. What the hell is wrong with you? If you were half the man you should be, you’d stop this. You wouldn’t let her be humiliated. Just as he realized he couldn’t make himself stop it, Leah lifted her head and flashed a big smile at the crowd. The band began to play and she began to sing. The crowd was laughing but they were also applauding and at parts singing along. Leah’s face was lit with a deep grin and there was no sign of embarrassment. Hell, she was enjoying this. After a moment he found himself relaxing. The song was funny. He felt his lips curl faintly as he scanned the crowd. The laughter and cheers were accompanied by supportive and open smiles. These people liked Leah. He heard Robert chuckle to his left and saw Tim’s face twisted in wry humor. The smile on his face broadened against his will. Her face was animated and her green eyes shone brightly. When she finished she gave a little curtsey. Her friends cheered for her as surely as she had cheered at the match. As the applause died down, the blonde yelled out, “Two goals, Leah!” She groaned and the band behind her began the opening cords of yet another song. When she finished the second song, she hopped off the stage and returned to her chair. He watched her over the edge of the glass he lifted to his mouth. She collapsed laughing into her seat and was promptly hugged by the blonde. He’d never seen her laugh like this. Her face was flushed and her eyes danced brightly. He’d never seen her so happy. Guilt tugged at him. He hadn’t exactly given her much cause to be happy. “What did we miss?” the voice pulled his attention back to the table. Two women were settling in. The small blonde took the chair next to Aaron, giving him a quick peck on the cheek. Shay stepped up on his right. Her hair was pulled back smooth against her scalp, caught in a green band and then fanned out around her face like a shining black halo. She remained standing. “Just a little local entertainment,” Robert caught the slender hand that rested on his shoulder and brought it to his lips. A stab of envy twinged inside James and he found his gaze wandering to Leah. “You sitting down?” “In a minute,” Shay assured him. “I see someone I know and I just wanna say hi.”
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“You are amazing as usual,” Rebecca chuckled as Leah drank deeply from her glass. “You all just enjoy laughing at me,” she shot back. At that moment the tall, beautiful black woman who had been approaching their table arrived. “Rebecca?” she said, her full lips spreading into a bright smile. “Shay,” Rebecca rose and greeted her. Turning back to the table she began the introductions. “My friends, this is Lashandra Evans.” “Shay, please,” the young woman said evenly. “Shay works in the nursery. Her specialty is deciduous species. Now, you’ve met Stephen,” Rebecca gestured to her life partner, “but this is Caroline, Jena and Leah.” The woman shook each hand in turn as she was introduced. When she reached Leah she hesitated. “Leah, it’s always been one of my favorite names from the Bible. I had no idea it was such a common name. You’re the second Leah here that I’ve met. Well, not met but heard of.” Leah tensed. She stole a glance at the table in the front. She had known the group of men were there since she and her friends had entered. It had taken a good deal of willpower not to look at James as she passed. It took a moment for her to realize the woman was still talking to her. “My partner’s friend James was recently assigned to a woman named Leah.” “I imagine it’s not as uncommon as it may seem. Surely there are at least two of us,” she muttered softly. Shay nodded. “It was wonderful meeting you all. I have to get back. If I leave Hailey with the guys for too long she’s likely to have to hurt one of them.” The silence she left behind her at the table thickened into a tangible fog as the group watched Shay walk away. Leah could feel the growing tension and the explosion of outrage and anger as each person recognized the group of men. “Leah?” Stephen’s voice was low. “Don’t,” she whispered. “Just let it go.” “Let it go?” Rebecca ground out. “The guy from the match, the one whose friend was hitting on Caroline? The other ‘silver’? That’s your assignment?” Caroline was shaking her head, lips pursed angrily. “Right in front of you. Not a month into assignment and he’s trolling right in front of you.” “Not to mention completely ignoring your existence,” Stephen’s anger was turning his face a bright red. “What?” Jena looked from one to the other. “What did I miss?” “Stop, guys,” Leah pleaded. “Just Leah’s assignment acting as if he didn’t know her while he and his friend hit on Caroline and Rebecca.” Stephen’s voice came out a hiss.
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“That’s not fair,” Leah said sharply. “James did not hit on anyone. He didn’t say a word. It was all his friend.” “And why would his friend act that way in front of you…” Rebecca stopped and shook her head. “Because they didn’t know it was you any more than we knew it was him. That bastard.” “Stop it.” Leah’s voice came out louder than she intended and nearby heads turned curiously. “I mean it, stop it now. I didn’t introduce him any more than he introduced me. If there is any fault here, I share it.” “Really?” Stephen asked skeptically. “Well answer just one question for me. Why didn’t you acknowledge him?” Leah lowered her eyes and said nothing. “Because you knew he didn’t want you to,” Stephen finished for her. “Stop, Stephen,” Leah lifted her head and met his eye. “I love that you are all ready to rush to my defense but I don’t need you to. It’s okay. Look, I came here to have some fun. I think we could all use a bit of that. Now, ask me to dance and stop fussing.” James sat silently listening to the chatter around him. He gave his usual one-syllable replies but he was more interested in the small space that had been cleared in front of the stage. The small blond man had taken Leah’s hand and they were now dancing. He lost sight of her from time to time among the other couples. “James, let’s you and I find us another round,” Robert rose from the table and James followed. Leaning against the plastic molded rail that had been painted to look like wood, Robert ordered the drinks. James ran his hand along the pressed grain of the surface. Real wood was scarce. Nothing was really made of it anymore. “Man, I’m your friend. You know that even if you don’t want to know it,” Robert’s voice was cautious, wary. “As your friend I have a question. You do realize, don’t you, that you are behaving like a complete horse’s ass?” James’ head shot up and he met his friend’s dark brown eyes. They held his before looking away. “Yeah,” he replied softly, “but the question is how did you know?” “It’s a small world, man. That and I’m married to Sherlock-fucking-Holmes. It took her about ten seconds to put together the Leah her friend Rebecca talks about and you.” He knew. Robert knew. James pulled in a deep breath. He braced himself for the embarrassment, waited for it. But it didn’t come. “Why man?” Robert was looking at him sadly. “Are you ashamed of us that you wouldn’t introduce her?” “No,” James said, looking away toward the men. “Well, if you’re done being a total prick, there’s still time to fix this,” Robert lifted the tray from the bar and walked away. He spent a long moment studying the bar before he pushed away and turned. Slowly he wove his way through the crowd and past his friends. She had just returned to the table with the blond man. His arm was still wrapped around her and James saw it
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tighten in place reflexively as he noticed his approach. All heads turned to look at him. He started to speak but his voice stuck in his throat. He coughed to clear it and stepped up to the table. He extended his hand to the man. “You must be Stephen. I’m James, Leah’s assignment.” The man reached out his own and they shook hands quickly. James turned to the women. “Caroline,” he heard Leah’s voice from beside him and took the hand of the redhead. The tall brunette rose to her feet and looked him over carefully before taking his offered hand. “Rebecca.” The blonde sat looking at him, he could feel the hostility radiating from her. He saw her eyes flicker to Leah and she sighed. “I’m Jena.” “I’m pleased to meet you, Jena. I’m pleased to meet all of you.” He stepped back placing himself behind Leah. “If you wouldn’t mind loaning me Leah for a few moments, there are some people I’d like her to meet.” Tim had already wandered off home and Aaron and Hailey could be seen waiting at the nearby transport station for a trolley. James leaned against the rail next to Robert and tried to see all the way to the bottom of the central hub. He watched as the neon signs of the businesses blinked out, making the well darker and darker. “She’s nice,” Robert said softly. “Yeah. She’s nice.” You have no idea how nice, he added silently. Leah had greeted each of his friends warmly and received like in response. “Think you’ll ever tell me why?” Robert turned his head to look at him. “I think you already know,” James barely heard his own voice reply. “I guess I should be angry,” Robert sighed. “Angry or at least trying to figure out who it was you were ashamed of. Us or her.” James said nothing and Robert continued. “Next time do me a favor and give me a bit more credit will ya? Give us all a bit more credit.” James nodded silently and watched from the corner of his eye as Robert stood up and started to walk away. “Good night James. Good night Leah, it was nice to meet you.” James turned around and saw her standing there alone. Her friends waited several yards away. He closed the distance between them quickly. “Leah about today, I’m…” She stopped him with her upraised palm. “It’s okay, you don’t have to say it. I’m sorry too. I just didn’t want…” James raised his hand to mirror hers. “You don’t have to say it.” She smiled at him and his lips answered back with their own curving. “How about we go home?” She nodded and gave a wave to her friends. They waved back and reluctantly moved off. She stood beside him quietly at the station. When she stepped up to take her 65
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seat on the trolley, he found himself reaching out to cup her elbow. He placed a hand on her back to steady her. She paused and turned to look at him. He was touching her. Much later he sat on the edge of his bed in the dark. He watched the faint light coming through the crack at the bottom of the door. It wasn’t enough, he had decided. It just wasn’t enough. He stood up and walked to the door. The light was coming from her room. He stepped to the doorway and knocked. “Come on in,” her voice called through the door. Opening it, he found her lying on one side, head up on her hand. Charlie lifted his head from where he was curled behind her legs. Legs, James realized, that were bare below mid thigh. He flushed and started to turn away. “It’s okay, I’m decent. There are shorts under this,” she was laughing at him and he had to admit it was with good cause. “Sorry,” he muttered. “What can I do for you?” He looked at her. Whatever else could be said about her, she had lovely eyes. They were a shade of green, or rather a combination of shades he had never seen before. If you looked at them too long, they seemed to swirl. “I’ve been thinking about something and you were wrong earlier.” He stepped into the room and sat down on the edge of the bed. “Wrong? Me? That so rarely happens. What was I wrong about now?” zher selfdeprecating wit usually made him smile but not this time. “When you said I didn’t have to say it. I do Leah, I do have to say it.” He shifted to look at her, bending one knee. “I’m sorry. I’ve been rude, argumentative, difficult and, as someone pointed out to me tonight, a complete horse’s ass.” She started to shake her head, her objection forming on her lips. He brought his hand up and placed against her mouth, silencing her. He was startled by how soft her lips felt under his fingertips. “No, Leah, don’t argue and don’t make excuses for me. I’ve behaved badly in all of this and I am sorry.” He let his hand fall from her face and watched her eyes watch his. Again she seemed to be listening for something. Then she smiled softly. “Thank you, James.” As he crawled back into his own bed he found himself thinking about her eyes. His lips curved up in a half-grin. Yes, whatever else you could say about her, Leah had nice eyes. And her legs weren’t bad either.
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Chapter Eleven “James, pop back here,” the head nurse’s voice called from the cubby in the back of the nurse’s station that acted as her office. He finished the last notation on the patient he had just checked, closed the file and walked back to lean around the wall. “Your wish is my command.” Marla smiled up at him and shook her head. “You may want to rephrase that in a minute. They’re down a body in the OB-GYN unit and you’re the only one who’s been cross-trained.” Shit. He had hated that rotation in the Before Time. There was something damned unnerving about a woman giving birth. The pain they endured to bring life and the strength of the mothers touched him but it was more looking into the faces of the infants that he dreaded. But nowadays it wasn’t for that reason he hated being pulled to this particular unit. There were few children being born these days and their births were usually scheduled and could be postponed if the unit had a staffing issue. Staffing issues. That was one thing about health care that hadn’t changed. There were always staffing issues. Someone should have explained that to the geniuses on the Committee. They should have saved a few hundred more nurses. Thank God he wasn’t being sent to Peds. He’d actually refused to go to the pediatric ward more than once and luckily Marla had never pushed it. Half an hour later he pushed open the door to the collecting room. This was why he hated this assignment. The woman on the bed looked to be in her late twenties. She had a plain round face and fair skin. “Ms. Charles?” She turned her head to him and smiled. He stared at her for a moment and then shook his head. No, it was his eyes playing tricks on him. “Ms. Charles, the doctor will be ready in just a moment, are you ready?” “Yes,” she said simply. It was always best, he reminded himself if you don’t look at their eyes for too long. Keeps it impersonal and God knew this procedure needed to be impersonal. He walked over to her side and checked the monitor. Her vitals were normal. He pressed the buttons on the hand-held keypad. It was the same basic technology as the individual data readers everyone used but it was bigger, had a larger memory capacity and was linked to the HSC’s main computer. The screen flashed the patient’s file and James quickly entered the current display readings. He reached out and used the LCD function to scan the woman’s silver identification band. He checked the results against the patient record to confirm they wouldn’t be doing the wrong procedure on the wrong woman. Scrolling down he ran through the routine list of questions.
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“How long since your last menstrual period?” He still wondered that even as a nurse, the subject still brought a twinge of embarrassment. “Fourteen days,” she replied. In her voice was something that made his mind again flutter away. Get a grip, he shook himself mentally. “Did you begin taking the Clomid on your third cycle day?” “Yes.” “And did you take it through day seven?” “Yes.” “Did you take it every day? Did you miss any doses?” “Yes and no.” He recorded her responses and slipped the device back into his pocket. “Looks like we can begin as soon as the doctor gets here.” He tried to keep his voice reassuring and calming. The young woman smiled up at him. “It is a bit weird isn’t it?” He couldn’t help but smile back. “It’s a perfectly normal process…” “We’re just ensuring that there will be sufficient genetic diversity in all the populations now and in the future,” she finished the standard speech. Again that something tugged at the back of his mind. He was saved from answering by the arrival of the doctor. The procedure was simple enough, even if it did cause pain and cramping for the woman. James stood monitoring her, aware of the clenched jaw and grimacing face, while the doctor and the technician performed the actual procedure. The medication she had been given had been used for years to induce, encourage and increase ovulation in women with fertility problems. Not as violently as drugs that could cause a woman to develop six or more follicles at one time but it was generally flawless in ensuring an egg was present. The drug had proven safe and was as gentle on the body as manipulating a person’s hormones could be. It ensured ovulation would occur at a predicted time allowing the doctors to harvest the ovum. The egg would then be frozen and stored, the new technology reportedly having overcome the problems of the Before Time when the odds on conception from a cryopreserved egg were almost nil. The last staff training he’d been ordered to go to had been on just this topic. The over-enthusiastic researcher who had presented even boasted that, soon, they wouldn’t need to do this direct harvesting, as they could now freeze sections of ovarian tissue and use it to produce ovum. They hadn’t actually managed to produce a viable embryo this way yet but the little man had been very optimistic. This was why James hated this assignment. His professional mind understood it was necessary. He was a good boy and completed his obligations in this area whenever his turn came. But he refused to let himself dwell on the possibility that now and in the
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future his reproductive material could be used to produce a child, a child he’d never know, a child whose birth might occur years after he was dead and gone. It wasn’t unless they made him work this rotation that he was forced to think about it. The doctor completed the procedure, mumbled some words to the woman and left with the tech at his heels. James encouraged her to lie still while he recorded her vital signs again. As he helped her to sit up minutes later, he looked into her eyes for the first time. Green eyes. Swirling, twisting green eyes. The thought that had been plaguing him since he walked into this room rolled back. Leah. There was something that had been indefinable about this woman that had pulled his mind back to Leah. Now it was clear. Her eyes were like Leah’s. After settling the patient in a comfortable place where she could be monitored for a while longer to ensure there were no complications, no bleeding beyond the norm, he sat down at the station terminal to download the information from his handheld unit to the network. The woman’s file came up and James started to bypass the primary information page when his eye caught on the woman’s biographical information. New Salem. She was from New Salem, the same town that Leah was from. There had been five women chosen from her town. Caroline he had met, the other had been married, then Leah herself and two others she hadn’t identified. As he scrolled down he hit the next key and prepared to hit it a second time, bypassing the page that held the basic genetic coding for the woman. This was standard with all patients and quite frankly understanding it was beyond him. It was simply a series of nucleotide strands categorized by marker numbers. The nurses always referred to it as the Alphabet page and considered it a hassle. He was usually among the ones complaining that it should have been at the end of the patient’s record, not the beginning. But after hitting the next icon, James was stopped. The file skipped to the third page listing current medications and diagnosis. Page two had been omitted. He scanned the page bar at the top of the screen and selected page two. What happened next followed him home trapped in his thoughts. The screen became blank except for the words— Enter authorization code What the hell? James stared at the screen in amazement. Why the hell would the Alphabet page be coded? “Is there a problem Nurse Edwards?” the doctor’s voice came from over his left shoulder and made him jump. “No,” James shook himself. “At least I don’t think so.” He indicated the screen in front of him. “For some reason page two is blocked.” “Yes,” the doctor’s voice was smooth and reassuring. “Yes, some of our patients are a bit funny about privacy. It’s rare but there are some who have requested that their genetic information be kept out of their files. You know how confidentiality works, don’t you Mr. Edwards?” James nodded, all of a sudden he didn’t like the look of the doctor or the tone of his voice. “Good. There’s nothing on page two you need, I trust?”
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“No,” James turned back to the screen. “Good, no problem then,” the doctor said lightly as he reached around James and selected the “next” icon that moved the file to the next page. “I’ll just leave you to finish with Ms. Charles’ chart then.” All the way home he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about the woman. James took her completely off guard when he blurted out, “Did you know a woman by the surname Charles?” “No,” Leah shook her head. She was sitting at the terminal marking the last of the papers for that day. The light pen was still poised above the screen. “Why?” He had just entered the residence and was still standing with the bag that held his change of clothes. “No reason. Someone I met today. I think she was from near where you lived.” Leah shrugged and turned back to her work as he disappeared into the bedroom. When he appeared later, showered and changed, she looked back up at him. “Grazing okay with you? I’m not particularly hungry and I’ve got a ton of work to get done.” “That’s fine,” he said. He wasn’t hungry himself. That night he dreamed of the procedure. Only this time the woman on the table was Leah.
***** “James, someone’s looking for you.” One of the aide’s voices broke the quiet on the surgical unit. James sighed. He’d mentioned to this particular aide before about keeping his voice down. James got up from the desk where he’d been watching the ten monitors that displayed the progress of the patients in each of the recovery beds. If this was Marla and she wanted him to go back down to OB-GYN she could forget it. He’d just rounded the desk when a man walked through the door the aide was now holding open. He was in his early-forties and the thin-lipped mouth wore a smile on the olive-skinned face. The eyes that should have been brown were blue and gave the otherwise average face a startling appearance. He moved quickly to where James stood and held out his hand. “Dr. Bryan Hunter, I’m glad to meet you finally.” James took the hand as confusion gave way to apprehension. “How can I help you Doctor?” “Well, Stephen’s being a bit odd about all this, not sure why he didn’t just ask you himself but he wanted me to check with you, make sure you hadn’t already made plans.” The shorter man was still wearing a practiced and careful smile. But James had learned long ago to see beyond a doctor’s smile. It said, “I’m your friend, you can trust me.” James lifted an eyebrow. “I’m not sure I understand what you mean by plans.”
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The smile faded and a crease appeared between the blue eyes. “Birthday plans. It’s next Friday and he’s been planning it for a couple of weeks now. But we didn’t want to step on any plans you might be making.” It was on the tip of James’ tongue to declare his birthday wasn’t for months when he realized his mistake and felt incredibly stupid. Leah. He looked at the man who was watching him carefully. Stephen and the others would have given him a full report, no doubt, of the events last weekend. “We’ve not set any plans in stone,” he evaded. “Good,” the doctor smiled again. “Then you won’t mind if we go ahead with ours? Nothing elaborate, I promise. Just a gathering of her friends. Stephen’s made arrangements with the guy who operates the Blue Moon. The band there are friends of Leah’s through Kevin and will provide the entertainment. We won’t have it to ourselves but we will have several tables set aside for us.” “Sounds fine, I’m sure Leah will enjoy it.” Bryan looked at him oddly for a moment. “You are invited James. In fact, we expect you to get Leah there on time. For once.” James couldn’t suppress the half-smile. Leah was chronically late. It was the usual routine to be leaving each morning amid her rushing about throwing her things together complaining that she was going to be late yet again. “I’ll get her there but I’m not making any promises. There is no hurrying Leah.” The man smiled. “Tell me about it.” James took the hand that was being offered in farewell. Dr. Hunter started to walk out of the ward then stopped and turned. “Oh James, you do realize we will all be there? Stephen, Tony, Kevin, Paul and me. Not one of us would miss a chance to celebrate Leah’s birthday.” With that he passed through the doors. Something heavy dropped into James’ stomach. They would all be there. Her prior assignments, all five of them, would be there. That’s when it struck him. All five of them? He ran through the list in his head again. Stephen, Tony, Kevin, Paul and me, the man had said. Adding himself, that was only six. He was her seventh assignment. What about the other one?
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Chapter Twelve James made his way down the row of bodies and dropped into one of the two empty seats next to Robert. “Nice seats, exactly why are we sitting so close?” Robert looked over at him and James almost smiled. “She’s here, don’t look at me like that.” “Like what?” Robert turned his head back. “Where is she?” James snorted softly in amusement. “She had to sit with her kids. There’s some rule about the educators accompanying their age groups. So right now she’s up there somewhere surrounded by ten-year-olds.” “I see,” Robert gave him a sideways look. “You know everyone likes Leah. Even Tim was saying a couple of days go that the next time we get together, we need to be sure you bring her.” “If you want.” “James,” Robert started then stopped. James turned to look at him. “What?” “Nothing. I was just thinking about something Shay said. It’s nothing.” Robert checked the time on his ID band. “Shouldn’t this have started by now?” “It should bloody well be over by now,” James muttered. “I hate this stuff.” Robert raised an eyebrow. “James this is about remembering those who died. That’s a hell of a lot of people to just choose to forget about.” James’ jaw set tight and Robert knew he’d said the wrong thing. It was quiet between the two men for a long time before James replied, “I’m not choosing to forget anyone, Robert. I’d just rather do my remembering in private.” He saw Robert nod and turn away to watch the podium. He could hear the orchestra tuning up, it wouldn’t be long now. The truth was he wasn’t indifferent to the music or the speeches or the remembering. The truth was it hurt like hell and he didn’t enjoy being trapped with a million other people and forced to experience those feelings. It was bad enough when they crept up on him in the middle of the night but when they waylaid him in a crowded arena…he wasn’t sure right now of his ability to control it. The dreams had been coming more frequently now, dreams of Sarah, dreams of the children, dreams of death and dreams of his own culpability. The music began with a strange medley of what he decided was supposed to represent various national anthems. As the orchestra swung the strains into “God Save the Queen,” he had to stop and wonder at the nationalist surge that ran through him. He had the definite urge to start humming “Flower of Scotland.” The sentiment surprised him. His family had been transplants. Yet still the words, O Flower of Scotland, when will we see your like again? floated through his mind. 72
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A smile stole across his face only to flee him with the onslaught of the memory. The small auditorium of the school had been filled with parents. He sat next to Sarah, playing with the video recorder and sharply shushing David as he bounced on his mother’s knee. The children were standing on the small risers nervously waiting for the music to begin. It crackled across the antiquated speakers as he began to record. Katie stood there in the first row, small like her mother with her red hair in a long braid down her back. The serious look in her brown eyes made him smile. So like Sarah. Her class began to sing the simple words of the song adopted in the late nineteen-nineties as an unofficial anthem of Scotland. As the sweet voices finished their way through the English words, the older students repeated their song in Scots Gaelic. A third time through blended the child voices together, weaving and overlapping one another. The sound had chilled him and lifted the tiny hairs on his arms. A look over at her, showed his Sarah to be beaming with pride. There on the stage, helping to produce such beauty, his darling Katie. The most heart branding sight reached him at the end. The song faded away, the applause began and there it was. She smiled. His serious little angel smiled her mother’s smile and took his breath away. “James?” the male voice made him want to scream. He wanted to stay lost in that memory, lost inside its beauty and peace, not be torn from it back to a world that was abhorrent to him. Torn back to a world where everything of beauty, everything in that school auditorium was dead. Everything except him. He turned his head slowly trying to bury his anger, his pain. Robert was smiling down at him absently and pointing to the man who was now standing on the podium. “I think you’re supposed to stand up when the Pope stands up.” James struggled to his feet and looked down. Sarah would cast him dirty looks when he was slow to rise with the parish priest, she’d probably have slapped him for remaining seated while the Holy Father was standing. He tried to lose his pain in the surrealism of the scene before him. He, James Edwards, was standing in an auditorium listening to the Holy Father of Rome speak. Well, everything else might have fallen apart but the Church remained. His Sarah and Irish Catholic mother would have been thrilled. Not once, lost in the sea of Protestants had either waivered from their Catholic roots. “Call yourself a Catholic,” Robert chuckled at him as they returned to their seats, papal prayer concluded. “He’s not the real Pope,” James muttered. “The real Pope chose to stay above to give comfort and spiritual strength to those who were left behind. This guy was elected to the job so he could come here. Second time in history we actually had two Popes.” “When was the first?” Robert looked at him with interest. “Toward the end of the Black Plague. The Pope had been living in France and moved his entourage back to Rome. He dies and the people threaten to riot if an Italian is not selected, wisely the College of Cardinals complies. However, later the French
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cardinals back in Avignon elected a French Pope. Hell, at one point there were actually three.” “So much for infallibility,” Robert muttered. “Where there are people, there is fallibility.” James shook his head actually grateful for Robert’s providing a distraction as one of the Committee members droned on. James examined the faces on the dais and dismissed them. Familiar heads of state and religious leaders who had had red carpet passes into Sanctuary to protect the Committee’s precious continuity. He turned his attention to the scurrying crowd behind the raised platform where unknown men and women with earpieces and data readers scurried back and forth to ensure the massive wallowing in memory went off without a hitch. Only there was one person not moving about. He wore no earpiece that James could see, or at least he wasn’t talking to himself as the others were, responding to the voices in their ears. He carried no data reader. He was a slight man, very thin and very pale. His messy black hair was cut short and seemed to defy taming. He wore a lazy insolent expression as he gazed out over the crowd as if he was drawing great amusement from a spectacle of human folly. Suddenly the man straightened and the look on his face hardened. He was suddenly very serious about something. Then he turned and looked directly at James. He held his eye for several seconds and James felt his heart speed up. There was no malice in the green eyes that stared into his. But the look was unsettling just the same. As suddenly as he had looked at him, the man turned away and slipped back behind one of the curtains that flanked the dais. James could no longer see him but could not shake the unpleasant feeling that the man could still see him. That he, or someone, was watching him. Not paranoid much, are we? He had to laugh at himself. It was easier to think he was imagining the whole thing, than to imagine why the man would be watching him. It took almost as long as the program itself to escape the amphitheatre. He stood outside the portal, beneath its sign waiting for her. She was to join them here and they would all four grab lunch. He had been amazed the day after he had introduced them to find her responding to an invitation to join Shay and Hailey for lunch. “Girl talk,” was all she would tell him upon returning. “Just a bit of girl talk.” After several minutes, Robert and Shay headed off, letting him know they would wait for them at the café. Now as the time passed and she did not arrive he found himself moving from irritation at her lateness to worry. For Leah, being five, or even ten, minutes late was the norm but to be almost a half an hour? He slipped his data reader from his jacket pocket. Late is late but you’re outdoing yourself today. He keyed the words into the pad and pressed send. The reply was cryptic but quick. Sorry, Portal 231, could use your help. The message eased his worry but his aggravation returned.
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Pushing away from the wall, he turned and headed up the nearest stairway. “She would be all the way up,” he grumbled. This had better be good. All irritation fled when he saw her sitting on a bench trying to calm an angry little girl with one hand while rocking another in a small pushchair. Next to her on the bench sat a thin, darkhaired boy who was trying valiantly to help her restrain the active youngster who was working herself up to a full-blown tantrum. The relief on Leah’s face when she saw him made him smile. Closer now he heard the smallest child, not quite two years old, fussing as well. The young girl, who was tugging herself way from her brother, was actively yelling for her mother. “You have no idea how glad I am to see you.” She rolled her eyes. “Got your hands full? Odd, you didn’t mention children in your bio.” He bit the inside of his lip to maintain a straight face. “I must say, handling a screaming preschooler while managing a pushchair is impressive.” “Pushchair?” She shook her head at him smiling. “You mean the stroller. Stop confusing me with proper English and give me a hand. Their mother is in the orchestra. She sent them along with Elian today. He had to be with me and she needed him to watch them.” “Hasn’t she heard of a babysitter?” James frowned. He looked down at the young boy. Only ten, he was being entrusted with a great deal more responsibility than he should have to bear. “Mamma,” the little girl squealed unhappily as her brother tried to keep her in place. Leah shook her head. “No, I told her it would be okay if he brought them. It would have been too, if she had been on time to reclaim them. Now I’m afraid they are getting a bit antsy.” The little girl let out a blood-curdling scream and slapped at her brother. James leaned down and took her hands. “No,” he said firmly, not certain how much the child would understand. He recognized the boy’s name as the one Leah gave extra tutoring to so he could improve his English. “We don’t hit.” He put his hand under her chin and lifted her eyes to his and smiled. “Come here, little one.” He picked her up and settled her onto his lap, scooting the boy over on the bench. To his amazement the child stilled and sat looking at him curiously. He heard a faint chuckle next to him and turned to find Leah smiling strangely at him. “Very nice,” she said in a soft voice. “Quiero un cuento,” the small voice demanded looking up at James’ face. He looked at Leah who shook her head indicating she didn’t understand either. “She wants you to tell her a story, sir,” Elian was watching him with the same curiosity. “I don’t speak Spanish,” James shook his head regretfully. “She wouldn’t understand.”
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Elian nodded and repeated this to his sister. A stubborn scowl settled on the face and the words came too fast for James to even begin to separate. The boy sighed. “She says you sound like our Papa and she wants a story.” The sad look in the boy’s eyes tugged at him. He didn’t need to be told that their Papa was not telling them stories any longer. He looked at the dark eyes and felt his own pain flare. The urge to push the child from his lap and walk away, put all this behind him, was overwhelming. He might actually have done it, had he not looked down into the deep brown eyes that stared up at him questioningly from behind dark chocolate fringe. “Dígame un cuento,” she whispered softly, her lower lip quivering. James reached out and placed his hand on the boy’s shoulder and gave it a slight squeeze. He shifted the little girl’s weight. From the corner of his eye he saw Leah set the toddler on its feet on the bench. He began slowly telling the story of the Sleeping Warriors. He didn’t know why he chose that story. It was an old folktale and had been one of his son’s favorites when told complete with voices and flourishing swords. Under the circumstances, it was a foolish choice. “Once, many years before the oldest person you know was born there lived a nobleman. The nobleman was very greedy and very foolish. One year during the time of festivals, he decided to take his white mare to the market. He was certain he could get an excellent price for her.” James looked at the boy. His eyes were fixed on him and his brow wrinkled as he concentrated hard on the words. Gazing down, he saw that the girl wasn’t even looking at him, she had tucked herself up under his chin and laid her small hand against his chest. She didn’t understand his words and she didn’t care. She was feeling the vibration of his voice as he spoke. His breath caught in his chest and he struggled to pull in air. A hand lightly touched his shoulder and he turned to find Leah looking at him. He watched the green eyes swirl and found a sense of peace in them. Drawing a deep breath he continued. “As the man, mounted on his best horse, led the mare to the village, he passed the great sand cliffs. Suddenly beside the road stood a man in a long cloak with a great white beard. The man stopped him and asked to buy his horse. The nobleman scoffed at the price the man offered, sure he could get more for the horse at the market. The old man bid him go on his way and he continued on to the village. “While at the market, the nobleman found his white mare greatly admired and praised but no offers of purchase were made for the animal. Feeling angry and let down the man mounted his horse and led the mare home again. As he passed the cliffs, he again met the old man. The old man repeated his offer to buy the horse and this time the nobleman accepted. He followed the old man to the edge of the cliff and led the horse inside. Soon the passage opened and the nobleman was astonished by the sight that met his eye. Lined up, in a stable fit for a king, were twelve white horses. Beside each white horse, lying on the ground clutching a sword, was a knight in full armor. Armor the like of which had never been seen, so polished it shone almost white in the torchlight.
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“The old man led the nobleman to the last and thirteenth stall. In this stall there was no horse and no knight. The man tethered the horse and motioned for the nobleman to follow him. He led him through a small passage to another large room. In this room was a mound of gold, jewels and riches beyond description. The old man stood before a low narrow table upon which lay a sword and a horn. He fixed the nobleman with a cold stare. ‘You are given a choice. You may take what payment you will from this room and go. Or you may seek a greatness which few men have the courage to pursue.’ The nobleman looked at the treasure and then up at the old man. “‘What greatness do you speak of?’ he asked. “‘The man who would blow this horn, wake the knights without and who would wield this sword shall have more than just this treasure. He shall rule all of England.’ “The nobleman liked the sound of that, because he was greedy and foolish.” James felt a touch on his cheek and looked over to see the toddler standing next to him watching him curiously, patting his bearded cheek. He smiled despite himself. “What happened?” Elian prompted. “What did the noble man choose?” he asked separating the strange word as if tasting each syllable. “Well,” James continued, “as I said, the nobleman was foolish and greedy. What was the wealth he could carry from this room compared with ruling all of England? ‘I’ll take your chance at greatness,’ he told the old man. He turned and examined the horn and the sword on the table. Each was heavy and required both hands to lift. So the question faced was which to claim first. “Something deep inside the nobleman spoke. ‘Claim the sword first. Arm yourself, then blow the horn to wake the knights. If you are not armed, they will surely kill you.’ Just as the nobleman reached for the sword, another voice spoke in his head. ‘Blow first the horn. If you are unarmed then the knights will surely not attack. In chance they do, you can grab the sword then.’ “The nobleman lifted the horn and gave a weak blast upon it. There was a loud roar from the next room as the knights awoke and poured into the chamber, each brandishing his sword. ‘Who dares wake us?’ they called out. When they saw the nobleman standing there with the horn in his hand, they let out a deafening cry. In unison they proclaimed, ‘No coward who fears to wield the Sword of Kings shall lead us. Death to all imposters.’ The nobleman tried to lift the sword but found its weight so great he could not budge it from its place. In fear he fled from the room, blow after blow from the flats of the knights’ swords falling upon his back. As he ran he heard the laughter follow him. The laughter of an old man. “The nobleman fled the cave and rode his horse as fast as he could. He reached home, weakened and faint. As his groom slid him from his horse onto the stable floor, the nobleman had only enough breath left in him to tell his tale before he died.” “So much for cute fuzzy bunnies and happily ever after,” Leah muttered over the head of the toddler now sitting on her lap, sucking a thumb wearily.
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James arched one eyebrow and stared down his nose at her. “I’ll have you know that in every real version of the stories the fuzzy bunnies generally eat the wicked and happily ever after comes only after the witch has been punished.” He was surprised to hear her laugh at this. “I stand corrected. Bedtime stories have never been something I was well versed in,” she said. Her eyes sparkled back at him. He wrapped his arms around the little girl who was now sleeping against his chest and shook his head. “Why don’t I believe that? Somehow I think Auntie Leah told a good many bedtime stories.” “You seem to be an expert yourself.” The words produced a dull ache in his chest. Not as bad as he had expected but an ache nonetheless. He involuntarily tightened his hold on the child. How else did he expect her to respond? He had mentioned the family she had lost so lightly, as if it were nothing. How could she know? She didn’t even know about his own family, she didn’t know about the children. “Elian,” a voice called over the now thinned-out crowd. A small dark-haired woman walked quickly to meet them. “I am sorry Miss Bradley,” her words came quickly in thickly accented English. “The conductor kept us. He can be a beast at times.” Behind her, moving hesitantly, was a small thin man, her new life partner. He moved quietly in and lifted the smallest child from Leah’s arms. “Thank you, Miss Bradley. I’m sorry we are late. You must have been worried.” The children’s mother turned from Leah to her older children. Her eyes met James’ and she froze. James turned and looked away. This was a face he remembered. One he wished he could forget. “You,” she said softly. “Yes, ma’am,” James stood, still holding the little girl in his arms. He was aware of Leah’s curious stare. The last time he had seen this face it had been streaked with tears and accusing him of letting his patient die because he did not care. Her voice had berated him in Spanish and English, calling him every name she could think of. But one struck him harder than any of the others. It still rang in his ears. “You did not try, you did not try to save him,” she cried, brushing the dirt from the pale face that would never again see her or his children. “We tried everything we could, ma’am,” James fell back on his standard speech. Damn the doctors. They were supposed to be the ones who broke this news. But what few doctors they had were up to their elbows trying to help other patients, patients who had had a chance to live. That was something this man had not had. “Did you operate? Did you try to save him?” she demanded. “We did what we could,” he began again, knowing it wasn’t true. The man had been one of the last retrieved from the cave-in. When the asteroid hit, some of the compartments in the outer levels had collapsed. They had known this was a possibility. That’s why the man lying before him was in that section, he and the crew he led were supposed to keep that from happening and James had been assigned to the medical team that would go in and clean up if it did. “Liar,” she hissed at him. “You let him die.” 78
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James set his jaw. He didn’t want to say this but the woman was pushing. Before he could stop himself the truth came out. “He was too far gone, there was nothing we could have done. If we had spent our time trying to save him, someone else who could have survived would have died. I’m sorry.” “Ángel de Muerte,” she spit the words at him. “Who gave you the right to decide who lives and who dies? Will you tell my children their father is dead? Will you tell my son his father’s life was worth less than these other men?” He had turned and walked away from her. James looked down, not wanting to see the hate flood those eyes. But by that action he found himself looking into the eyes of her son. The deep cocoa orbs that had been fixed upon him with great interest now looked up at him in confusion, his child’s awareness of the tension between his mother and this new fascinating friend of his admired maestra was written across his face. He jumped when he felt the touch of a hand on his arm. “Thank you,” the voice with its Latin inflection whispered. “Thank you for looking after my children.” Slowly he lifted his eyes to hers and saw pain and regret. She reached out carefully and lifted the little girl from his arms. The child woke and fussed briefly until she realized it was her mother’s arms that held her. The small voice spoke quickly. He caught only the word Papa. Whatever she had said made the woman’s eyes close briefly. A sad smile curved her lips as she set the girl on her feet and knelt down to face her two eldest. “Gabriela, Elian, this is the man who was with your Papa when he died.” James felt his chest contract and the air fled his lungs. He looked quickly at Leah and caught her expression. It was filled with concern, concern for him. He looked away and steeled himself for what was about to happen. He was going to be revealed. Revealed as the monster who haunted the nightmares of these children. “He is the man who held Papa’s hand, who helped him to pass on to become the angel who watches over you.” James stared uncomprehendingly into the woman’s eyes. She wasn’t cursing him. He felt a small hand slip into his and tug at it. He knelt down to the little girl. Her eyes watched him for a long moment. Then she leaned in and pressed her soft child’s mouth to his cheek. “Gracias, Señor,” Elian’s sober face tugged at his heart. He stood up quickly and ran his hand through his hair. “It was my job,” he muttered. “No,” the woman said softly. “This is twice you have comforted those I love when I could not. I should have said this then but I could not…” “Don’t,” James half groaned. The well of emotion he kept so tightly contained was rising up like a flood, threatening to overflow its banks. “Thank you,” she finished. She again touched his arm before she took her older two children by the hand and led her family away.
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James turned on his heel and walked the opposite direction. He felt Leah beside him in the way that one feels the presence of the sun in a windowless room. He knew it was there but gave it no thought as he believed it was useless to him. They had just reached the Red Section corridors when he lost control. She saw him falter and reach for the nearest wall. She placed her hand on his arm. She didn’t need to touch him to feel his body shaking. “Let’s go James, we’re almost home. Hold on.” He let her lead him down the corridor. She knew he had no concept of where they were going. His trembling increased and she wrapped an arm around him, leaning against him. The force of the emotions running through him radiated out and threatened to overwhelm her. The pain that filled him to the point of breaking was beyond belief. He was leaning heavily on her, his breathing coming in shuddering gasps when they reached the door of the residence. She quickly opened the door and led him inside. Charlie sat on the couch. Uncharacteristically, he did not jump up and run for either of them. Instead he watched them warily and then buried himself back into the blanket he had again pulled down. It had been her intent to get James onto the couch but that plan failed. He stumbled just inside the door and collapsed. He pushed her away from him and supported himself on his hands and knees. “Leave me,” he growled out at her. “No,” she said simply, lowering herself to the floor next to him. “I’m not leaving you like this.” “Get away from me,” he turned a face filled with pain and fury to her. Fear fluttered in her chest. “James,” she started. “Damn it!” he pushed himself up, staggering toward the bedroom. “I said get away from me.” She stood and watched him try to walk away. The emotions she felt made her head spin. Such anger, such pain, such hate. He took a few steps and would have fallen again had he not grabbed onto the edge of the desk. The force of his actions caused the photos she had placed there to rattle, one of them falling over. The shattering of the glass froze him in place. He turned, his breathing like that of a wild animal trying desperately to escape its pursuers. He lifted the photo. His face contorted with pure rage, the anguish that burned inside him as visible as if it was a flame burning in his eyes. “Useless,” he ground out. “Useless.” He looked up at her. What had only fluttered inside her before began to beat like the wings of a caged bird in her chest. The aura of hate that pulsed around him, the angry, almost mindless look on his face made her afraid. In that moment she knew that somehow she had become the focus of the emotions he could no longer contain.
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“Pointless,” he snarled. “All your remembering and platitudes and foolish sentimental bullshit. It means nothing. It won’t bring them back and it doesn’t make living without them any easier.” He took a step toward her. She held her ground, though every thought in her head cried out for her to move away. “They’re dead. They’re dead, Leah. Rotting somewhere, probably without a decent burial. Lying rotting on the ground, food for the scavengers and predators that outlived them.” A scream rose inside her. “Stop it, James. Stop,” Her voice trembled. She fought the urge to cover her ears with her hands and forced herself to swallow the fear and anger his words caused. “At least you didn’t have to watch them die,” the words choked in his throat. The photograph fell from his fingers to the floor. His shoulders drooped and she felt the anger drain out of him to be replaced by pain so deep nothing else could stand in its wake. He turned and tried to make it to his room. She moved to his side as she had in the corridor and supported his weight. He let her touch him, the fight seeming to have shattered, leaving him nothing to cling to for strength. She moved him to his room and would have sat him on his bed but he slid down to the floor, back braced against the bed, legs drawn up. He crossed his arms over his knees and laid his face on his hands. She watched his shoulders shake, heard the staggered intake of breath and knew he was crying. She reached her hand out and caressed his shoulder. “Just go, Leah. Please go,” his muffled voice pleaded with her. His pride wanted her to leave. He didn’t want her to see what he perceived as his weakness. “I won’t leave you, James,” she replied. “How could I leave you?” She slipped her hand across his back and leaned her cheek against his shoulder. A soft moan moved through him and he lifted his head. His face was flushed and wet, his eyes so filled with his hurt that there was no part of her that could conceive of abandoning him to it. She pressed gently and he let her pull him onto her shoulder. Her arms wrapped around him as he buried his face against her neck. Her hands stroked the black hair from his face. “I won’t leave you, James,” she whispered. “Don’t be afraid. We owe them and ourselves our tears.”
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Chapter Thirteen He couldn’t move. He felt himself drained in an unfamiliar way. Not from physical exertion but from emotional overload. He didn’t know when she had gotten him up onto the bed, or when she had eased him to lie against her. He thought he might actually have slept at some point but wasn’t sure. He only knew that there was something in the calm touch, the soft rhythmic stroking of her hand on his hair, the tender pressure of her lips as they pressed from time to time against the top of his head. The gentle motion was soothing, almost as comforting as the warm feel of the skin to which his cheek was pressed. He didn’t know why but he felt a comfort and safety beyond even the feel of his own mother’s arms. An assuredness filled him, he knew without a doubt that he was safe from the pain, safe from the consequences of his loss of control while he lay here cocooned in her arms. “Leah?” he whispered. “Don’t,” she murmured softly against his forehead, as she pressed a soft kiss to the skin. “I only wanted to say th…” Her hand pressed his lips to silence. “Don’t,” she said again. He felt a stiffness begin in her. It was as if his words had broken the spell. He lifted up to look at her face. She smiled softly, sadly. He sat up and leaned over her. “Why won’t you let me say it?” “Because it doesn’t need to be said. It is what we do for each other. Would you have expected less of me?” Her eyes held an odd, distant look. He watched those eyes for a long moment, again realizing just how beautiful the swirling shades of green were, then he shook his head. “No, I wouldn’t have.” She sat up, her back to him. “And I would have expected no less from you.” She rose to her feet and rounded the bed. “It is what we do for each other.” She lifted her eyes to his, a too-bright smile on her face. “It’s very late and you must be starving. I’ll go start something. You look like a good hot shower would do you a world of good.” He stood under the pounding spray. She had been right, he needed this. It should worry him that she was so right about him so very often. Something about her ability to read him, to see inside him should make him uneasy, he told himself. But try as he might he couldn’t muster the feelings his mind told him he should feel. Instead he kept finding himself dwelling upon the feel of her hand as it stroked his hair, the warm strength of her arms as they had held him and the soft smell of her skin.
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Man, you need to get a grip, his mind scolded. This is Leah you’re talking about. The one you had decided had been sent to you as a punishment. The one you didn’t want. The one who said she didn’t want you any more than you wanted her. He let the water run until the timer shut off. Opening the glass doors he reached for the towel that hung nearby. He looked at it as it hung from his hand. The dark blue color matched the trim of the room and on a nearby rod hung its mate. He’d never even thought about such things before. This was Leah. Just as the containers that held the toothbrushes, hand lotion and soap now matched the color of the trim, so she had hung matching towels. He had taken what had been given him, never designating a color. What had it mattered? But the moment he had invited her to share the bathroom and to make herself feel more at home in these walls she had begun to make small changes. Changes that, as much as he loathed to even think the words, were beginning to make this place seem more like a home. The smell of food that met him as he stepped from his room was one of those changes. As were the large pillows that contrasted and complemented the afghan on the sofa, the crystal vase filled with glass flowers that rested on the coffee table. And the sounds. They rose to his ears from the kitchen, the soft rapid click of nails on tile and the high laugh that followed it. The pillows, blanket and vase he could replace when she was gone. But those sounds would leave forever in a few short weeks. Those he couldn’t replace. James gripped the back of the chair. Where was this coming from? Good God she’d been here just over a month. And you’re acting like she’s been here a hell of a lot longer. He shook himself. It’s the stress of the day, he told himself firmly. That had to be the reason he was even having these thoughts, let alone acknowledging them. He was feeling vulnerable and whatever else he might think of Leah, she was turning out to be a good friend. She was a truly good person. Straightening up, he took a deep breath and walked into the kitchen. “Good, just in time.” She smiled. “Can you strain the pasta? If I step away from the sauce it will thicken into goo.” He looked over her shoulder at the white Alfredo sauce in the pan. “Damn woman, that smells good. I swear you’re trying to fatten me up.” He lifted the insert in the pan and let the water drain from the flat noodles back into the pot. “My dad was a great cook.” She smiled, still watching the pot. “Where do you think this came from?” She patted her hips. “He taught Rachel, Isaac and me. Jacob would just snort and say he’d always have Mom or me to cook for him and if he got desperate he’d find a wife who could cook.” James wasn’t listening to her. His eyes were still on the curve of the hip she had patted. Yes, it was fuller than what he would have ever imagined finding attractive. Yes, the waist didn’t exactly dip in to form an hourglass. Sarah and Nina had both been tall and slender, willowy. But he couldn’t stop himself from thinking just how good the curve of her hip had felt pressed against him such a short time ago.
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He stepped away from the stove and emptied the pasta into a bowl that he presented to Leah. He watched her add the sauce and cover the top of the pasta in freshly steamed vegetables. But again his mind wasn’t on the food. It was on Leah. What was he thinking? Surly not even the events of the day could cause this. You seriously need to get laid, ol’ boy if that’s starting to look good to you, the mocking voice rang out in his head. He felt instantly guilty for the thought, for both thoughts. Here she had been nothing but wonderful. A friend, someone he was realizing he just might be able count on, maybe even trust not to strike at him when he was weak. Here she had only ever been compassionate and kind and he was letting himself think things about her he was sure she would find offensive. Not just the cutting jibes but…well all of it. “Grab the bread, will you?” She carried the bowl to the table and sat down. He followed and placed the soft loaf between them. James waited for her to serve herself but she just sat looking at the plates. “Leah?” She looked up at him. “James, would you mind if we said grace. Just this once? Just today?” “No, I wouldn’t mind.” He spoke as gently as he could and reached out to lay his hand over her wrist. His action startled him. He was reaching out to her. James Edwards was actually reaching out to someone? She smiled weakly in return. When she didn’t speak he slipped his fingers around her hand and enfolded it in his. “Would you say it?” Her voice was barely more than a whisper. He saw her eyes close and her head bow, waiting for him. He looked around the table. The last time he had heard these words spoken they had come from his daughter’s lips. One tiny hand enfolded in his, the other in her mother’s. He swallowed hard and closed his eyes. “Bless us, O Lord, with these thy gifts which we are about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ, Our Lord.” The next words, not part of the ritualized prayer, poured out of him in a rush. “May the souls of our families find peace and comfort in your gentle care. Amen.” “Amen,” she responded softly. She squeezed his hand and thanked him before letting go. They ate quietly for several minutes. The meal was nearly finished when he broke the silence by complimenting her on the food. She laughed and it seemed as if the entire room brightened. “This is nothing. You should have tasted Isaac’s pasta primavera. I never seem to time the vegetables just right.” Even the mention of her brother did not seem to pale the easier mood. “Your brother was a good cook?” She nodded. “Isaac and Jacob were twins in face only. Their temperaments were completely different. Isaac wanted to open a restaurant one day. Jacob wanted to eat at Isaac’s restaurant every day.” He found his own smile brushing across his face. It faltered at her next words. “I hate this day.” So did he. There was something so morbid about it. It wasn’t a 84
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remembrance of the day the asteroid struck but a day memorialized because it marked the six months after which scientists agreed all large animal life would have died. In other words, it marked the day the human race perished from the surface of the planet. “I don’t know,” she was shaking her head, “maybe it’s worse since it falls so close to my birthday. I mean it might as well fall on my birthday.” The haunted look on her face made him aware, yet again, of the pain that throbbed dully in his chest. Only this time the difference was that the pain wasn’t for himself. It was for her. An icy wave broke over him and for the first time in longer than he had lived inside this giant hole in the ground, the sorrow that filled him wasn’t for himself. He reached again for her hand. This time he was aware of the warm feel of her skin against his but all his mind could do was search for the words, not words to express his own feelings, or to belittle someone else’s but searching for the words to ease her. “Perhaps that makes it all the more fitting.” He watched her eyes lift to his face. “One day we remember what we lost and on the next everyone who knows you will celebrate what we’ve found.” Her face colored and she smiled. “Now who’s talking like a fortune cookie?” James laughed out loud. She was quick. It was one of the best things about her. But her wit was second only to her kindness. He felt the mood lift even higher. “For that I should make you clean up by yourself.” Even as he said the words he stood up and started to clear the plates. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll clean up the mess you made in here,” he smiled over at her somewhat chagrined, “if you’ll clean up the mess I made in the living room. I’d do it but I don’t know what you want done with the photo.” A sad curving of her mouth answered him. “Deal.” James could hear the sound of the vacuum as he finished cleaning up. He filled Charlie’s food and water bowls. They had agreed to move them into the kitchen early on as James had told her he’d enjoy being able to look after Charlie as well and it was a bit uncomfortable for him to have to go into her private space to do that. When he stepped into the main room he saw her disconnect the flexible hose from the duct in the wall. She compressed the coiled hose and slipped it and its hard plastic nozzle into the vinyl storage pouch. She slipped past him to return it to the utility closet in the kitchen. She lifted the bag for emphasis. “A lot lighter than lugging about a machine.” Housing in Sanctuary had been built with a central vacuum duct that connected to a main unit that served several residences. A hose could be attached to the opening in the wall that was hidden by a plastic cover and a flip of a switch created the suction. The debris was pulled to a central disposal and tended to by the service crews. The technology wasn’t new and it was a lot more efficient than individual machines. “Sarah used to say she wanted a system like this when we built our dream house,” he said. The slight grin froze on his lips. Had he actually spoken those words aloud? Had he actually just spoken about Sarah to Leah? To anyone? Leah was standing behind him. He could feel her before she spoke. “That would have been nice.” She edged her way around him. He flinched, afraid she might touch
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him but she didn’t. She walked past him and sat down on the sofa, pulling the afghan and Charlie up on her legs. His heart pounding loudly in his ears, he turned away from her and walked to the entrance of the small hall that connected the two bedrooms and bath. “I’m tired,” he said choking back the emotion from his voice. “I’m going to bed now.” Her soft, “Sleep well,” was nearly lost as he hurried away. Bright lights blasted in his face and then sped past. Not often but often enough it was making him cross and keeping him from falling completely asleep. The soft sound of the radio should have been soothing but the sound of the violin was shrill in his ears. Damn, why couldn’t she have chosen something else? She knew he was tired. His eyes closed and the frequency of the passing lights decreased and he began to slip away. Then hell erupted. The most terrifying sound he had ever heard tore through him blending the horrific sound of a woman’s scream followed by the screeching of brakes, the shattering of glass and the wailing groan of twisting metal. The air had been forced from his lungs and he could see nothing but black. He willed himself to breathe. The pavement was cold and wet under him, glass cut through the knees of his pants, digging into his skin. He felt none of this. He knew it was happening but did not feel it. All he could feel was the warm wetness pouring over his hands as they pressed against the cooling skin. If he lifted his eyes he’d see her again. See the blood, see Sarah’s lifeless eyes staring back at him. He could hear the soft whimpering sound coming from a few feet away. Turning slightly he could see the small form, its hand moving slowly, reaching for him. He watched the spreading dark stain move out from the body. If he moved his hands, if he released the pressure on the small thigh beneath them, his daughter’s life would pour out over his hands even faster. He felt the scream tear through him, his heart splitting in two as he forced himself to choose. He watched the boy’s face, the obscene red slash on his throat. He couldn’t save him. But maybe… Katie. The pool spread from his son’s body and he watched the light die out of the amber eyes. “Daddy,” the small voice whispered. He looked up at his daughter’s face through the red stained rain that dripped down his own. Her eyes fluttered closed and the pulsing spurt of blood stopped. He lifted his hands and crawled up. The pain fired through his body now from the bone that protruded from his lower leg. He pulled the little girl into his arms and dragged her with him as he moved toward his son. Her small blood soaked shirt pulled up and he saw the blackening skin of her abdomen beneath. Reaching the boy he pulled them both against him. Their tiny bodies were cold and wet with rain and blood. He had failed in every way possible, professionally, as a husband and as a father. He had failed and the price of that failure had been high. His eyes forced themselves shut. He fought for consciousness as if by staying awake he would be ready to battle Thantos for those souls he was claiming on that lonely stretch of road. His body was growing painfully cold and weak and no help was imminent. If he surrendered, if he let go he could join them on their journey. “Hang on babies,” he whispered. “Daddy’s coming.” As he embraced the possibility that he would not be left behind, that they could move on as a family he felt more than saw the blue lights flash behind the backs of his eyes. There memory stopped except for one final thought. He would be saved. In this too, in his final promise to them, he had failed. He had lived.
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***** It was late, or rather very early when Leah woke with a start. She was freezing. Her hands felt as if they had been put on ice and the rest of her was shivering. A glance at the sleeping dog spread out on the top of the blankets, belly up, told her that there had been no change in the temperature of the room. Charlie was a wuss about the cold. The slightest drop in temp and he was burrowed under piles of warm fuzzies until the world corrected itself. Still she couldn’t shake the feeling of the chill nor the impression that something was seriously wrong. She heard a soft thud from beyond her closed door. James. She closed her eyes and shook her head. She tried to focus but that nagging sensation was back. It had always visited her when someone was feeling strongly about something in her presence but it seemed James could be rooms away and still trigger it. Something was wrong with James. Perhaps he had called out in his sleep again. Tonight of all nights it was to be expected that everyone’s dreams would be filled with disturbing images. Whatever had happened, she could feel he was upset, deeply upset. She sighed. It would do no good to try to talk to him. She sat up and slipped out of the bed. She opened the bathroom door and reached for the light switch when she saw the glow coming from the partially opened door across from her. She stepped quietly into the room and peered through the opening. The bedside light was on but at first she saw no sign of James. Then he moved. He was sitting on the floor again, the closet door open and a large trunk pulled out. The lid had been thrown back and what looked like scraps of paper were scattered around the floor. James was leaning back against the wall, face uplifted and eyes closed. From where she stood, Leah could see the tears that slipped down his face. In his hand he held a photograph. The immobility of indecision froze her in place. How could she leave him like this? How could she intrude upon what he believed to be a private moment? How could she simply return to her room and ignore the pain that tore at him? How could she risk making him hate her by violating so personal a scene? And she didn’t want him to hate her. It was vital to her that he not hate her. Leah, she sighed, what are you doing? Don’t be stupid, don’t do this to yourself again. She had to admit he had given no indication that his original intention of getting as far from her as fast as he could once the assignment was over had changed. Friends. She thought sometimes that she would at least end up as his friend. But then sometimes she wasn’t sure James wanted anyone to be his friend. Where she saw her friends regularly, exchanged messages, had lunches, the only time she had seen him interact with anyone other than her was the day of the football game. Other than that if he did have friends, he saw them only at work and he never talked about them. True they had been supposed to meet Robert and Shay that day but that had been arranged by the women. She liked Shay. She was bright, articulate and strongly opinionated. Robert was funny and slightly off-color at times but sweet.
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She turned to leave him, she wouldn’t do this to herself. She had learned better than to even contemplate the possibility. She halted when she thought she heard her name being called. She spun back around and looked at him. He was still sitting there, eyes closed. The sound had been less than a whisper but she was sure she had heard something. Suddenly his eyes opened and locked on hers. Her breath caught in her throat and the pain that blazed inside her was staggering and it was his. “Leah,” he spoke her name breathlessly. “Don’t go.” The amber eyes seemed to plead with her and yet said just as clearly that he expected to be denied. A feeling the like of which she had felt only once before in her life spread through her with such speed it held her immobile. She knew what this meant. And this time it was infinitely stronger, so much more powerful, oh God help her, it was worse than she feared. She was damned. This time she was without a doubt damned. How had she been foolish enough to let herself start to feel like this about the last man in the world who would want her to feel this way? Fighting the sensation of her heart plummeting to the pit of her stomach, she moved toward him and knelt down beside him. He was watching her face. She didn’t know how to read this look, she wasn’t sure what he was feeling and the sudden failure of her ability to know frightened her. “Sit here with me,” he patted a place on the floor next to him. Leah sat down and leaned back against the wall. He startled her when he leaned into her and pressed his shoulder into hers. “I want you to see this.” He handed her the photograph he had been holding. The floor around him was littered with small photographs and papers as if he had flung the contents of the trunk about haphazardly searching for something, searching, perhaps, for this photo. She looked down and saw the four faces smiling back up at her. The James who grinned boyishly out at her seemed to lack the heaviness that hung about the man she knew. The lines on his face creased in a way that made it seem welcoming and friendly, not the hard and weary look that warned the world to keep its distance. The scruffy beard gave his face an odd charm. The woman seated next to him was beautiful. Her red hair framed a milk pale face with just a faint spattering of freckles. The dark brown eyes were filled with joy. This was a woman who loved her life. In her lap sat a young boy. He was as much a carbon copy of his father as the little girl who curled in James’ lap was of her mother. She examined the way James was holding the child. She was definitely daddy’s little girl with her head tucked up under his chin and his arms wrapped tight around her. Her face was sober but broken in the faintest of shy smiles while her brother radiated mischief. “This is my family.” He leaned against her more heavily and pointed at the pictures. “This was my wife Sarah. She was the love of my life, Leah. There’s never been anyone in my life like her, before or since.” Leah refused to examine the horrifying wretch that twisted her heart. She was the love of my life. The words echoed in her head.
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“You knew about Sarah?” he asked. “Yes. It was in your file. Both her and your second wife.” She forced herself to say the latter. She had to remind herself of the reality of the situation. He was still for a moment before he spoke. The tremor in his voice was unmistakable. “Did you know I had children?” She hadn’t until she had looked at this photograph. No, she corrected herself, she had known earlier that evening when he sat expertly holding and talking to the children. She had known when he had had a ready-made story to fill the request, when he didn’t flinch from the wet fingers of the toddler. She had known when he knelt down to correct Gabriela, his manner unmistakably firm but infinitely gentle. It had been a father’s voice. “I wondered but no, I didn’t know,” she answered after realizing he was still waiting for her to speak. “These were my children, Leah. This is Katie and David.” After pausing to let her again examine the two faces, he took the picture from her hands. “I didn’t know what happiness was until the day they laid her in my arms.” A silent tear crept down the cheek with its dark stubble. Leah reached up and brushed it away, pressing her palm to his skin. The prickling of the hair sent a shiver up her arm. He sat still for a long moment before he turned his face away. He put the photograph back into the trunk and pulled out a large folded piece of yellowing newspaper. “They’re dead,” he said flatly and pushed the paper into her hands. “They’re all dead and it’s my fault.” Leah opened the paper and scanned the news article. It told of a head-on collision between a car and a large truck on a quiet isolated road. The woman who had been driving died on impact. The two children had died at the scene. Only the husband, who told authorities he had been sleeping in the passenger’s seat, had survived. Her pulse pounded erratically. She turned to look at him. James wasn’t watching her, nor was he sitting in his statue-like pose. He was gathering the papers from the floor and putting them back into the trunk. At last he lifted the paper from her hands and laid it back into the box, closed the lid and stood up. She sat in place watching him shove the container back into his closet. Then he turned and offered his hand. As she stood she watched his face. He was looking out over her head at the doorway behind her. “James,” she began and faltered. What was she going to say? She was sorry? The words slipped from her lips and he looked down at her, a faintly angry look on his face. “I’m sorry, so very sorry.” “You don’t know the worst of it.” His jaw was tight and he bit the words off as they broke from his lips. “Tell me James, what is it you think was the worst?”
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He looked down at her and she saw the hate and disgust in those tawny eyes. “It was my fault.” Leah looked at him, confused. “Your fault?” “My fault. I should have been driving but I was being childish and churlish and refused. I told her if she wanted to get an early start on the trip to her parents’ house, if she wanted to leave that evening, she was going to have to drive and I was going to sleep.” “Were you really tired?” Leah studied his face as it turned to look down at her, his brow furrowed. “Of course I was. I’d just finished a twelve-hour shift.” He looked at her sharply then shook his head, “Don’t make excuses for me, Leah. I should have been driving.” “Because your driving would have prevented this?” She held back most of the sarcasm from her voice. “You really think you driving exhausted and falling asleep at the wheel would have been better?” His glare hardened as he stood silently watching her. Leah closed her eyes, opened them and tried again. “James, if it was meant to happen, no one, not you or anyone else could have prevented it.” He snorted angrily, turning away from her. Leah lifted her hand and placed it on his shoulder. He stiffened but she didn’t pull away and felt him surrender and soften. When he turned to her his eyes were those of a desperate wounded animal who wanted nothing more than for its suffering to end. “If I had been driving, Sarah would be alive. She’d have been in the passenger’s seat.” “So you walked away unhurt?” Leah tried to sort through what her instincts were telling her about him. “No,” he looked down. “Were you hurt badly?” “Yes.” “How badly?” James sighed, “If the ambulance hadn’t arrived when it did, I’d not have lasted more than a few more minutes.” The haunted eyes fixed on hers. “You have no idea how many times I’ve wished it would have been delayed. Just a few minutes.” She was drowning. Drowning in his pain and in the emotions her own heart was releasing in a torrential downpour. She lifted her hand and pressed her palm to his chest, over his heart. “I’m so very sorry you’ve had to face this, James. But I’m also more thankful than you’ll ever understand that the ambulance did arrive on time.” He stood there, looking into her eyes, searching for something. She didn’t know if he found it but in the next moment his head lowered and his lips touched hers. The soft feel of them brushing over her mouth made her head spin. She felt his beard scrape against her skin and the flesh seemed to come alive. His arm slipped around her waist and he pulled her close as he continued to press his kiss deeper. As she let her arms
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wrap around his chest and gave in to the need to kiss him back, she heard a piece of her soul cry out in joy and another more somber piece painfully whisper, You had to let yourself love him. You are well and truly damned and this time there will be no escape.
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Chapter Fourteen She couldn’t remember a kiss ever feeling or tasting so good. Not that there had been a lot of them in her life but not even… Well, no one had made her feel the way James was making her feel as he used his tongue to urge her lips apart. Stop this, her mind warned, stop this before you can’t stop it. But she wasn’t listening. She opened her mouth to him and felt the rough velvet slip past her lips and explore her with increasing insistence. James’ arm tightened and his free hand rested on the slope of her hip. Slowly he brushed it up her side, over the fullness of her curves. She expected him to stop, to pull away at the reality of touching her but he didn’t. His hand skimmed the outer curve of her breast and moved up to cradle her face. He responded to the shudder that moved through her by sighing against her lips. He coaxed her tongue to follow his as it retreated and she eagerly complied. Brushing over the full lips, she felt the hairs of his beard scratch at her face as she tilted her head to claim the inside of his mouth. James’ body reacted with a jerk and suddenly both arms now pulled her tightly to him. One hand slipped up her spine and crushed her against his chest. The other curved over her hips and pressed them against him. James broke the kiss to draw in a ragged breath. He was looking down at her and she could see the unspoken question in his eyes. One she had never believed she would ever again see in any man’s eyes, least of all these golden spheres. He lifted his hand from her back and ran his fingers down her cheek, moving softly across her jaw and then trailing along the skin of her neck. He pushed back the collar on the flannel nightshirt and bent his head low to follow the path of his fingers with his lips. He paused, hovering next to her ear. “Leah.” He whispered her name softly and she felt the jolt of the touch of his tongue as it brushed the curve of her ear. Her body responded with a deepening of the need she was feeling for him. But her mind reacted with fear. Never Leah, do you understand. Never. It was her father’s voice, the only time he had ever been harsh or firm with her. A few days after she had reached menarche and her mother had explained the physical side of love to her, her father had taken her for a long walk in the woods. It is not for those like us, Leah. We do not play at love. Your sister, your brothers, your friends, they may experiment, they may play with the carnality between men and women but not you. We are different, Leah. His fingers had gripped her arm painfully, forcing her to take her passive, easygoing father seriously. Heed my warning, Leah. Make no mistake. Play that game and you will never know happiness.
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Her father’s voice in her head broke the last of her resistance. She put her hands against James’ chest and pushed him away. He did not release her but eased his hold to let her put some space between their bodies. She drew a deep breath and looked up into the eyes still darkened by his want. No words would come and all she could do was shake her head. James’ hands fell to his sides and he stepped away, turning from her. Standing there staring at his back, the only thing she could think to say was, “I’m sorry,” before she, herself, turned and left the room. Standing with her back to the coolness of her closed bedroom door, she let the tears begin to fall. This was something new, something she didn’t understand. This had never happened to her before. Never had the voice in her head failed her as it did now. All her life she had spent reaching people with affection and compassion, friends, family, everyone. Each of the men who had drifted into her life these past couple of years she had handled the same. Each time she had tapped into their friendship, their warmth. She had never believed she could excite passion in a man and had never attempted to do so, instead she tried to reach his heart. But with James her world was tumbled over. She couldn’t understand the want, the desire she had felt in him just now. Suddenly she found she could reach his body but knew she’d never be able to reach his heart. She was the love of my life, Leah. There’s never been anyone in my life like her, before or since. You didn’t get much clearer or more final than that. He knew she had left the room. He couldn’t feel her there anymore and the soft smell of her was fading. He ran his hand through his hair and a low groaning growl emerged from his throat. He should come with a fucking warning label. There should be a stamp on his forehead warning everyone that if they tried to be kind to him, got anywhere near him, he was bound to screw up and hurt them. Or get them killed. What had he just done? How had he let that happen? One minute he’s holding a picture of his dead wife and weeping for her like a lost child and the next he’s holding Leah and wanting nothing more than to hear her whisper that she wanted him. That she cared for him. That she didn’t hate him for what he had done. For the way he had failed at everything that mattered in his life. But that was it, wasn’t it. He failed at everything and even sweet Leah couldn’t change that fact. He couldn’t even manage to be her friend without doing something stupid to ruin it. He dropped onto the edge of his bed and buried his face in his hands, elbows resting on his knees. A sick feeling of premonition swept through him. He had seven weeks left with her. She was trapped with him for seven more weeks. That was plenty of time for him to manage to completely ruin any chance she’d even want to remember his name once this was over. No, by the time he was done screwing up, even Leah would bolt and run without a backward glance. James stood up and flipped the light off. He pulled off his shirt and pants and dropped them in the laundry chute. They would be back in forty-eight hours, delivered while he was still at work. He took a pair of pajama bottoms from the drawer and 93
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pulled them on, tightening the drawstring waist. No fancy closures here, just simple comfort and a barcode label sewn into them identifying the owner. He’d not bothered with clothes for bed before Leah but had decided before she even arrived he didn’t want to forget and find himself nude and meeting her coming back from the kitchen in the middle of the night. He stretched out on the bed and pulled the blanket up over one shoulder as he faced the wall. Tomorrow was going to turn out to be a damned difficult and uncomfortable day. Not only did he have to face Leah again but tomorrow night he would be up to his ears in her friends at a noisy club, celebrating her birthday. And after tonight’s performance, he was fairly certain he was going to be the last person she wanted to celebrate with. He had kissed her and she had fled. If he had ever doubted the sincerity with which she had addressed him those first days, he doubted no more. She didn’t want him. That’s fine, he heard the part of him he was learning to hate scoff. Come on, you don’t want her anyway. How many times have you told her that? This is Leah. Fine, she’s nice and all but damn, you can do better. James lay there staring at wall letting the thought turn over in his mind. “No,” he finally whispered quietly to the empty room, “but she can.” The light brown eyes closed and when he eventually did drift off to sleep, the last thought that occupied his mind was the way she had felt pressed to him. He had never imagined her body would feel the way it did against him. Nor had he ever imagined the reaction it tore from his. That body, his reaction and a pair of green eyes followed him into his dreams. A high-pitched whimpering woke him late the next morning. He rolled over to see a tiny russet colored head just visible over the side of the bed. Charlie. “How did you get in here?” he asked as the small canine pawed at the blanket. He pushed Charlie back and sat up. The bathroom door was still partly opened. Leah hadn’t closed it and neither had he. Looking at his clock he realized she was gone. Unlike him she had to work on Fridays. He stood up and stretched. At least he had some time before he had to face her. He padded into the bathroom. Charlie curled up on the soft rug while he showered and dressed. As he passed through the main room he saw the message light on his terminal blinking. He paused and tapped it. There were two messages. One from Robert and one from Leah. His jaw tightened as he touched the flashing box that bore her name. James, Scatterbrained as usual. Later than usual. Exhausted, not as usual but understandably. Just realized I completely forgot to feed Charlie. Bad Momma! Would you make sure he eats? See you tonight, Leah.
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He closed the screen, he’d answer Robert later. He was just looking for a reason why they hadn’t shown up yesterday after the ceremony. James didn’t have an answer for that he wanted to share. He was sitting on the sofa, head back, eyes closed listening to the pounding beat of the drum and angry whine of the guitar, when he felt the dog suddenly leap from his lap. He looked up and saw Leah bent over, petting Charlie. She had a soft smile on her face and her hair was pulled back in a tail. Far from severe, it made her face look more youthful. He set the beer in his hand down on the end table and reached for the remote to shut off the stereo system. With the press of a button the music was replaced by a deafening silence. Leah dropped her bag on the desk before turning to look at him. She watched him for a moment, her head tilted slightly. He almost smiled. It had become a familiar pose and he was coming to understand that it meant she was trying to figure out the best way to approach him. The gesture was simultaneously endearing and saddening. It was nice that she seemed to care enough to think about things before she said them. But at the same time she shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells. She shouldn’t have to be so careful that she had to stop and think before she spoke to him. And if he could have found something, anything, inside his head to say, he would have spoken first. Her eyes dropped from his and she cleared her throat nervously. “Would it be wrong of me to ask how you’re feeling today?” “No.” He pushed himself up off the couch. “I’m fine, Leah. Yesterday was one of the worst days I’ve had in a long time but I’m fine now. It’s over and I just want to forget everything about it.” She felt as if someone had sucked the air out of her lungs. Of course. Of course he’d want to forget about it. No doubt he regretted what had happened. She pushed her smile onto her face and nodded. “Right. Well, I’m gonna get a shower. I was running late this morning.” She pulled the clip out of her hair and shook her head. James simply nodded at her. Under the spray of the shower she let a tear slide down to mix with the water. No more, her mind said firmly. She wouldn’t cry over this. She should be glad. At least this time it had stopped before it began. This time she wouldn’t end up hurt. She should be thankful James knew what he wanted, or more accurately what he didn’t want, up front. He had been missing his wife, she was there, that was all it had been. She took her time dressing, choosing a dress she had brought with her to Sanctuary. The soft fabric hung down past her knees. The dark green shift was covered by a white over dress that had swirls of the darker green spattered across it. The V neckline allowed only a hint of cleavage to show. As she looked in the mirror, Leah shrugged. If asked her best feature she would have said the fact that when properly constrained in a bra that offered real support, her chest wasn’t too bad. Thank God, she thought, that the
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three-quarter length sleeves covered her upper arms and the high waist hid a bit of her excesses. When you were a good size sixteen, there wasn’t much chance of disguising it. She looked at the bag of cosmetics that her sister Rachel had talked her into purchasing and had packed into Leah’s trunk herself before she left for the safety of the below ground world. She fingered the slight dent in the surface of the foundation compact. Rachel had been on her mind a lot that day. Her sister would have known what to do about someone like James. Her sister would have had the perfect advice. Younger by a year but much more worldly wise, Rachel would have known just what to say. “Leah, honey, it’s not that bad,” she had told her when they were dressing for the family photo whose frame James had broken. “You look fine. All you need is a little color on those cheeks.” She had given in and let Rachel “do her face”, Jacob and Isaac had made a huge fuss about it. “Leave her alone, Rachel, she looks fine,” Isaac had grumbled. “Naw, it looks good on you,” Jacob said grinning. “Wanna do my makeup too, Rach?” Rachel had thrown the compact at his head. The faint dent in the silver surface had resulted. Their mother had been less than amused and angrily reminded them it was an antique and had belonged to her grandmother. Leah opened the silver case and examined her face in the small mirror. What the hell? she shrugged. Why not? When she finished she examined her face in the mirror. She saw no real difference. But then she hadn’t seen one when Rachel had done this either. She closed the compact and held it to her heart for a minute. “I miss you, Rach,” she said softly and slipped it back into the bag with the rest of the cosmetics. When she stepped out of the bedroom she found James again sitting on the sofa. The music was back on but at a lower volume. His hand still clutched the neck of the bottle and from the way he had been peeling the label, she knew it was the same one. His head was again resting against the back of the couch and his eyes were closed. He hadn’t changed. The realization swept over her and her heart sank. He hadn’t changed. He wasn’t going with her. She had been afraid that Stephen would exclude him out of spite and had been so pleased when he told her that Bryan had specifically invited him along for tonight. Disappointment flooded her, followed by an aggressive impatience with herself. What did it matter that he wasn’t coming? A great deal, she had to admit. It mattered great deal. His eyes opened suddenly and he sat there looking at her. He didn’t move, he just sat there looking at her. Again the voice inside her failed. She had no clear idea what he was feeling. It didn’t make sense. She could feel his loneliness but that wasn’t new. James carried his loneliness with him like a talisman. She could feel the ache inside him but that too was part of him. But there was something else, something at odds with
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everything else the voice told her about him. He wanted something. She just couldn’t understand what it was. “Nice dress.” His voice startled her. “Thank you,” she looked down unable to meet the tawny eyes that seemed so shuttered. “Have a nice time.” The finality of the statement hurt. Her lips formed the question even as her mind scolded her to have at least a bit of pride. “So you’ve decided not to go?” His jaw tightened and he looked away from her. “I’m not exactly high on anyone’s list at the moment. Your friends are polite, Leah but no one really wants me there.” “I want you there.” Stupid, stupid, stupid, her battered pride raged at her. She had almost wished the words back when she saw his eyes move back to hers, narrowed with disbelief. “You do?” He shook his head. “You don’t have to be nice, Leah. After the stupid stunt I pulled last night, how could you possibly want me there?” Stupid stunt? The kiss. He was berating himself for the kiss. She had known he regretted it but until this moment she hadn’t realized how deeply. Nor had she realized he expected her to regret it too. “You’re my friend, James. But I understand if you don’t want to come.” She forced a smile onto her face. “They’re all my friends and I realize there’s no real reason you’d want to be there.” He stood up then and stepped toward her. Standing beside her, he was watching the far wall. His hand came to rest on her shoulder. “Can you give me ten minutes?” Her heart leapt in spite of her attempts to contain it. A genuine smile broke on her lips. “Sure, no problem.” He dropped his hand and stepped away from her to his room. True to his word he emerged a few minutes later. Her breath caught as she watched him tuck his black shirt into his pants. For the first time since she’d met him he wasn’t wearing Committee issue clothes. And he looked good, very good. The monochromatic effect was impressive as his black jeans tapered at the ankle around the black boots. The shirt looked like ebony silk. And it had buttons. It had been a while since Leah had seen anything with buttons. He looked up at her and froze. His brow furrowed. “What?” “Nothing.” She felt her smile grow. He looked at her suspiciously. “I know they’re a bit out of date but it’s not that bad, is it?” “It’s not bad at all, James,” she reassured him. “You look great.” He visibly relaxed. “I don’t want to embarrass you with your friends. They already think I’m an asshole.”
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“They don’t think that,” she argued. “They think you acted like a jerk that day at the game but it’s Tim they think is an asshole.” He laughed out loud. “I can’t believe you said that.” She shrugged. “It’s true.” “I know.” He grinned at her and it made her smile back. “I just can’t believe you said it. You cursed. This has got to be a red-letter day.” “Sweetie, you haven’t seen anything yet. Just don’t get me mad.” Her grin turned wicked. “I could teach you a few words.” He laughed again. “I’ll just bet you could.” He turned away from her and walked to the desk. Opening one of the drawers he reached inside for something. “I wanted to give you this before we go.” He turned around and held a small box, wrapped in silver paper. His body was suddenly tense and his smile had faded. “I would rather you opened it here. I’m not good at this kind of thing, so I hope you like it.” He placed it in her hands. Leah watched his face but he wouldn’t meet her gaze. Slowly she pulled off the paper to reveal a small white box. Lifting the lid, she felt tears sting her eyes. Nestled on a piece of cotton padding was a small silver bracelet. Small charms hung from it including several hearts and one that looked exactly like Charlie. She lifted it and examined the small head of a dachshund. It was exquisitely crafted. She opened her mouth to thank him when she noticed there was something inscribed on one of the small hearts. Lifting it she read the word. Rachel. She hesitantly looked at each of the remaining hearts. Each was inscribed with the name of a member of her family. Her parents, her brothers, her nieces, they were all listed on the tiny hearts. The tears slipped down her cheeks. She felt his hand cup her shoulder. “Leah?” His voice was filled with anxiety. “I thought you’d like it. It’s everyone you care about. I thought it would be a way to carry them with you. Like the pictures.” His voice trailed off weakly. “I’m sorry, I thought you’d like it.” She looked up into his amber eyes and saw the fear there. Fear that he had hurt her. Leah smiled through the tears that wouldn’t stop. “I do like it,” she whispered. “I love it, James. It’s beautiful.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him quickly, placing a small kiss on his cheek. “Thank you.” “But you’re still crying.” His hand slid around her shoulders and he hugged her tightly. “Ignore me. I’m allowed to be emotional on my birthday.” They were only a bit late when James guided her through the doors of the Blue Moon. The bracelet felt cool against her wrist. James had fastened it there for her just before they left. Just after she had finally convinced him she really did like it. She felt him tense beside her as they reached the group of tables that had been pushed together in the back of the room. Her gaze swept over the smiling faces that waited for them and felt a moment’s sympathy for him. He was outnumbered and out 98
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gunned here. At least Bryan had had his arrogance to guide him through the last one of these. “There she is.” Stephen stood and stepped over to hug her. He turned to look at James. “Not bad, she’s almost on time. We had a pool going on just how late she’d be. No one thought you’d get her here this close.” “I do my best,” James muttered. “Come meet everyone,” Stephen’s arm slid around her shoulders as he turned to face the others. One by one, Leah introduced him. She was remembering why she had hated this the first time. The introductions were a litany of her failures. Each one a good and decent man who, just like the man at her side, wanted nothing more from her than simple friendship. She wished she could tell what he was thinking as he met them. “I hope you don’t mind, James but we intend to monopolize her time tonight,” Bryan was smiling at him. James shrugged. “Why would I mind?” She looked across the table to see Kevin frown at him. He was wearing his auburn hair a bit longer than he had before, which since it had hung to his shoulders, was saying something. Leah noticed the way his life partner, Aimee, kept her hand rested on his shoulder playing with a stray lock. She was happy for Kevin. He was a sweet guy, more than a little unsure of himself but bluffing and snarking his way through life. Still, she couldn’t completely push back the twinge of jealousy. “I tried to talk these guys into a decent restaurant but it was no-go,” Bryan said apologetically as the almost typical pub fare of sandwiches, burgers, chips and fries was passed around. Only the sandwiches and burgers weren’t beef or any kind of meat. “Leah likes this place,” James answered, shrugging again. “Does he do anything but shrug?” Jena whispered into her ear. Leah turned to her, “I don’t know,” she shrugged, trying to suppress the smile. “Smart aleck,” Jena nudged her with her shoulder. She felt James start to relax a bit as eating replaced talking. Or at least any talking that directly required a response from him. He seemed to be ignoring most of the conversation but Leah was certain he was listening carefully. His eyes would dart around the table from time to time, falling on one of the men. God, how uncomfortable this must be for him. As the server cleared the table, Stephen stood up and grinned down the length of the table. “As the first lucky man to know Leah, I get first dibs on the dancing.” He came around the side of the table and offered her his hand. She noticed James didn’t even look up. He just sat there nursing the beer he was holding. She stood and joined Stephen on the dance floor. James knew he was planning something, he was far too excited. The band began to play a simple slow song and 99
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Stephen’s arms wrapped around her. He smiled at her as they danced. All talking at the table had stopped, watching them. He saw the big man who had been introduced to him as Tony, rise. He walked to the dance floor and tapped Stephen’s shoulder. The smaller man grinned and relinquished Leah’s hand to him. Stephen stood on the edges of the dance floor and was joined by his partner Rebecca. One by one, James saw the men rise and break in on the dance. Leah’s happy smile cut through him. Each of these guys had managed to make her happy, to become her friend without hurting her. When Paul left the table, his assignment sighed and turned to the other women still sitting at the table. “What is this? What is it about her?” They all shook their heads. “I’ve no idea,” said the woman who had been sticking very close to Kevin all evening. “She gets inside their heads somehow and never lets go.” Caroline was frowning at them. “She’s their friend. It’s that simple.” “Yeah, easy for you to say. You don’t have to live with one of her castoffs,” the woman who had accompanied Tony frowned. “She didn’t cast anyone off.” Jena glared at them. “That’s not entirely true,” a voice sounded over James’ shoulder. The soft Asian accent belonged to a beautiful, petite woman with large dark eyes. Caroline and Jena’s eyes widened and their heads shot around in unison to stare at the dance floor. James followed their gaze and saw Leah standing stock-still in the middle of the space, face pale. He found himself standing in reaction to the tension that instantly filled the men who had left their places at the edges of the dance floor and were now moving close to Leah as if to protect her. The man before her with his hand outstretched was tall, very tall and thin with sandy brown hair. So this was number five. This was the one no one mentioned, least of all Leah herself. “Won’t you dance with me, Leah?” the words were spoken loudly and forcefully enough that they carried over the music to where he stood. Leah stepped toward the man and took his hand. He enfolded her in his arms and began to sway gently. As the simple steps of the dance turned them, James watched his face. The eyes were closed and he held Leah as if he never wanted to let her go. “You are the new one?” the woman’s voice spoke again. James simply nodded. She smiled. “Be careful. In the end she rejects them all.” “That’s a lie,” Caroline was on her feet, followed by Jena. “She’s never rejected any of her assignments. Not one of them.” “Jason rejected Leah,” Jena all but snarled at the woman. “He lied to her and rejected her.” “That’s not the story he tells,” the dark eyes moved over to the couple on the floor. “He told me. He loved her very much and in the end, with no warning, she rejected him.” “If that’s the story he told you, then he lied to you.” Caroline’s voice was strained and angry. 100
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The woman shrugged. “It does not matter now. He has me and I have him. We will be married soon.” James turned his gaze back to Leah. The couple had turned again and he could see her face. She wasn’t happy. Her expression was strained and the pain in her eyes was clear even to him. “You know, I don’t give a shit who rejected whom.” James glared at the woman and walked toward the dance floor.
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Chapter Fifteen She caught James’ eye as he stepped up to Jason and tapped his shoulder. “I think it’s my turn.” The two men stared at each other, Jason’s hand still on the small of her back. He seemed to size James up before he released her. “For your sake, I hope not.” “What’s that supposed to mean?” Leah blurted out, startled by the animosity in the voice. “You’re the last one I should have to explain it to.” Jason’s voice was bitter and the dark blue eyes clouded. “Then maybe you’ll explain it to me?” James stepped closer to her and slipped his arm around her waist. Despite the tension and the hostility that surrounded her, she couldn’t help but feel the warmth flood through her from the pressure of his hand resting on her ribs. Jason’s lip curled angrily. She was dumbfounded. What on Earth did he have to be angry about? She should be the one snarling. She should have struck out at him. “Just don’t make the mistake of caring about her. And if you think you might love her, run. Run far and fast.” Jason turned and walked away. She felt James’ arm tighten around her and his body stiffen. He looked down at her darkly. She suddenly felt sick. Jason had been the one who had walked away from her. He had been the one who had lied to her. But worse than the resurgent pain of the past betrayal, was what she was feeling from the man who stood next to her. She had no idea what Jason was talking about but his words had touched something in James. She could feel it. The wall that had started to crack the last couple of weeks slammed back up into place. “Leah? Honey, are you okay?” Rebecca’s voice sounded to her left. “She doesn’t look so good.” Paul frowned. “I got half a mind to follow that bastard and make sure he doesn’t look so good either.” “Count me in,” Kevin said through pursed lips. “I swear he’s going to be wondering what happened. It’ll be strange how his residence locks keep resetting themselves, how his credits seem to disappear faster than he realizes. And I’m sure someone in waste management has a sudden job opening for a chemist.” Leah saw the look James shot Kevin. There was a definite newfound respect for the computer geek in his eyes. James’ next words confirmed it. “Remind me not to piss you off.” Kevin turned angry brown eyes toward the man at her side. “You don’t know the half of it. Fuck Leah over and pay for it.” 102
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“Calm down guys,” Stephen said uneasily. “We’re on the same side here. More importantly King Dickhead has crawled back in his hole and will probably stay there. No damage done.” But he had done damage. Considerable damage from where Leah stood. That something inside her was feeling James’ anger, mistrust and a sense of betrayal. Her stomach churned violently and her hands were shaking. Tears threatened to overflow at any moment. As the others went to move away, Leah found she couldn’t move. If she took a step she might not stay upright. James dropped his arm from her and started to walk away. He got only a few steps before he turned back to look at her. He frowned and returned to her side. “Leah?” His voice was low and anxious. “Leah, are you okay?” She dropped her gaze to the ground. All she could do was shake her head. If she tried to speak she knew she’d start to cry, she could feel her lip quivering and a part of her was angry with herself for falling to pieces like this. “Do you want to go home?” James’ hand touched her shoulder and he dipped his face down so that he could look her in her eye. Again she couldn’t speak but nodded. His next action stunned her and caused the tears to start. James pulled her close and held her tightly. “It’s okay, darlin’,” he whispered in her ear. “We’ll go home. Hang on and I’ll get you home.”
***** James sat propped up by pillows on Leah’s bed, legs stretched out in front of him. Cradled under his right arm, head resting against his shoulder, Leah had cried herself out and was sleeping. Her hand was pressed palm to his chest and her body was curled against his side. The last two hours had been emotionally exhausting. He had swung from anger to jealousy to disappointment and hurt and back to anger. Number five would pay. Even if he had to make nice with cyber boy to see it was done, the jerk needed to pay for the way he had wounded Leah. He still didn’t know why he did it but he had then insisted on “tucking” her into bed. He had meant to settle her in, cover her up, wish her good night and leave her to sleep. It hadn’t worked that way. He had gotten her home and made her a cup of tea while she changed. When he had come back with the warm cup, she had been sitting on the edge of the bed with her arms wrapped around a highly distressed and confused Charlie. Her tears were falling onto his soft fur. James found himself slipping her into her bed and then climbing in after her, pulling her against him, he held her while she cried. Eventually the story came out between her sobs. Jason had been the one who had given her Charlie. He had been resistant to the assignment at first, just like all the others. But soon he seemed to warm to her and she had believed he cared for her. According to Leah, he had been her first “boyfriend”. He had been the first man to show any interest in her as a woman. They had been happy. They had talked about the 103
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future. They were going to ask for permanent assignment. Jason had told her he wanted to marry her. She had believed herself in love for the first time and had believed he loved her too. Then on the last day, the day they met with their life guides, he had betrayed her. As she sat telling her guide about how wonderful Jason was, about how happy they were, the message had chimed on the woman’s terminal. He had rejected her. He heard the pain in her voice, the humiliation. No wonder her friends hated the man. James hated him. Hated him not only for hurting Leah but for the lie he had told. Only one thing bothered James. Jason’s anger had seemed real. It was hard for him to believe anyone was that good an actor, that convincing a liar. The man had seemed genuinely hurt and bitter. Now lying beside her he found that he cared less and less if the man had been hurt. What mattered most was that Leah was hurting. And Leah should never hurt. He’d never known anyone so truly kind, so gentle, in his life. He was ashamed of the feelings that had roared up inside him at the bar. Ashamed that he had considered for a moment believing that Leah would lie to him or to anyone. That she would knowingly hurt anyone. It wasn’t in her to do that. James lay there trying to sort it out in his head. The man’s words had done more than make him momentarily doubt Leah. They had forced him to think the unthinkable. Just don’t make the mistake of caring about her. It was too late for that. He did care. And he was stunned that he wasn’t terrified by the whole thing. But he wasn’t. He felt serene and certain of what he wanted for the first time in a long time. It was as if something had centered him and focused him. And he knew that something was Leah. She reached him in a way he didn’t know anyone could ever reach him. Not even Sarah had ever quelled the broiling insecurities inside him, silenced his doubts. Everything about the last couple of days, everything he had done and said, spoke clearly. As much as he hadn’t wanted to, he cared for her. What was more, she seemed to touch him in a way that he never imagined she could ever touch him. It was as if something in her spoke to him, made him feel at peace. There had been something about that kiss. About the way she felt against him. Even lying here now, tired, confused and worried for her, he couldn’t keep his thoughts from noticing just how nice she felt. She was soft and warm curled up against him. Something about the sight of her head on his shoulder and her palm pressed to his chest made him desperate to hold her tight, to protect her, to keep her safe. It felt as if she didn’t simply exist in his arms but also inside him. It should scare the hell out of him. But for reasons he couldn’t pin down, it didn’t. He felt her start to stir. Her right leg bent at the knee and moved up his leg, rubbing against him absently as she started to drift from sleep. He stroked his hand over her shoulder and upper arm. She had seemed to draw comfort from the motion earlier as if it soothed her. The hand on his chest was opening and closing slowly, the way a cat kneaded its claws against something soft. When her eyes opened, it seemed whatever dream she had dreamed followed her as she did not pull away from him or stiffen.
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Her face lifted and green eyes searched his face. She looked down and sighed, “James I’m sorry, I…” “Shhh,” he whispered tightening his arm around her, pulling her head to nestle under his chin. He brought his left hand up to rest against her cheek. “Don’t apologize.” “You shouldn’t have to deal with me being stupid. I’m sorry I went to pieces on you.” She didn’t move but kept her hand pressed to him, her head on his shoulder. He smiled without realizing it and bent his head to place a kiss on the top of her head. The familiarity of the situation, only reversed, registered for the first time. “Don’t say sorry. No sorrys and no thank yous. It’s what we do for each other.” He echoed her words back to her. She leaned back slightly and looked up at him, wonder filling those beautiful swirling green eyes. He studied the blending of the colors, they never seemed to be quite the same from one glance to the next. He brushed her hair away from her face and felt the urge to kiss her fill him. Her hair and skin were so soft against his palm. Her hand lifted and she brushed her fingers along his jawline and smiled. “Your beard is so soft,” she said quietly. Holding her eye he returned her smile and made a conscious decision to speak the words. “That’s what Sarah always said too.” He waited for the discomfort that always came when he spoke about her but it failed to surface. In for a penny, in for a pound, he thought. “Nina hated it. Said it was patchy and thin and made me look scruffy.” “It does,” she said. A devilish gleam awakened in Leah’s expression. “But that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Scruffy can be cute.” “Ms. Bradley did you just call me cute?” He lifted an eyebrow and expected her to laugh. She didn’t. “I guess I did, Mr. Edwards.” She ran the backs of her fingers down his jaw, caressing the skin through the black hairs. He shuddered as a wave of pleasure swelled over him. He was overwhelmed by the need to feel her lips under his again. There was something confident and bold in the way her hand trailed over his beard and then traced the skin from his ear to his collarbone as if she knew he’d wanted just that touch of her hand. It was sexy as hell. Her eyes lifted to his and he saw his own reaction to her reflected back at him. James placed his fingers under her chin and lifted her face. He slowly lowered his head, giving her time to pull away, though somewhere inside him he knew with absolute certainty that this time she wouldn’t. He felt muscles he didn’t know he was tensing relax when she arched her neck up to meet his lips. Her mouth was incredibly soft and inviting. Kissing her felt better than anything had felt in a long time. James moved his hand to cup her face and stroked her cheek with his thumb as he pressed the kiss deeper, her head tilting back even farther for him. When he felt the flicker of her tongue on his lips he moaned softly and lifted up onto his elbow, easing her to lie on her back. He leaned over her, leaving her lips long enough to trail his kiss over her cheek until he felt the skin of her neck beneath them. He wanted to taste her 105
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skin. She trembled in his arms as he stroked her flesh with his tongue before capturing her lips yet again. He loved the way her mouth felt, the way her own tongue met his in a warm wet caress. Slow down, his mind commanded. From the words she had spoken to him about Jason he understood that despite her seemingly endless capacity for compassion and affection, Leah had little to no experience with simpler, baser feelings. He lifted his head and brushed his hand over her hair. The medium brown strands were soft and fine. “James?” Her voice broke slightly as she spoke his name and the silent questions that single word held. “I think we both need some sleep.” He pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead. Her face fell and she stiffened slightly. “No, Leah,” he insisted as he pulled her tighter to him, nuzzling his face against her neck. “Don’t. My pulling back doesn’t mean I don’t want this.” Looking up he met her gaze. He wasn’t going to let the confusion and hint of embarrassment he saw in her face ruin this. He smiled. “I do want this. But what I want more is to not mess this up. It’s been a hell of a couple of days. We both need to breathe. When I make love to you, I don’t want it to be the aftereffect of some emotional deluge. I want to know you’re walking into this with your eyes open.” Leah smiled shyly, flushing at his words. “When did you get so insightful?” James laughed softly and shook his head. “Damned if I know, woman.” He released her and moved to leave the bed. Her hand reached out and grabbed his. “James.” Her voice was thick and husky. “Shh,” he leaned back over and kissed her quickly. “I’m just going to go change. Darlin’, I have no intention of sleeping anywhere but right here next to you tonight. I’d just rather not do it in boots and jeans.”
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Chapter Sixteen Leah woke the next morning with an unfamiliar warm weight over her body. James was curled against her back with his face buried in her hair and his arm draped heavily over her. She could hear the soft snoring breaths as he slept on. Had the whole situation not been so alien, she would have giggled at the sound. But as it was, too much was spinning around in her head and the heat of his body against hers was not laughable. She looked down at the long fingered hand with its square palm as it rested against her arm. The hair just behind her ear moved just enough with each of his breaths to tickle her mercilessly. She didn’t dare move. As soon as she did, it would break the spell and she liked what she was feeling. She wasn’t sure when it had happened but everything seemed to have fallen into place. She had been at first overwrought enough and later drained enough, to finally understand what the voice in her head had been trying to tell her. In her distress she had clung to James and he had comforted her. She had been too lost in her pain to think about the strange, seemingly conflicting messages that filled that quiet place inside her. She had simply accepted that James wanted to protect her, to make her feel better and had let him. Later when she woke to find him still holding her, her fatigue had made it easy to recognize what was happening. She had let her fears, let her refusal to believe that James could have any interest in her as a woman, distort what her instincts told her he was feeling. When she had simply reacted, not stopped to think or analyze but reacted, it had made him happy and in turn that had made her happier than she ever thought she could be. James was not Jason. If she stopped trying to anticipate what he was going to think and feel and just accept what he shared with her, everything would be as it should be. You have to let things be what they are meant to be. She had said these words to Isaac when he was five years old. She hadn’t known how she had known this truth. But as she sat convincing her little brother that he needed to release the chipmunk he had nursed back to health after saving it from their cat, the words had come from deep inside her. Her father had praised her quietly the next time they were alone. I never worry about you, my girl. As long as you remember to be quiet and listen to the voice, you’ll never go wrong. That had been her mistake. She had been so certain of what he must feel, so sure of how it would all play out that she forgot to just listen. She smiled quietly and listened to the man lying next to her. Inside her she heard the words as loudly and as clearly as if James spoke them to her with his lips. “I care for you, Leah.” No, James was not Jason. He was stronger than the other man could ever hope to be. More passionate about what he wanted, even when it wasn’t always clear exactly what that was.
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She heard again the sound that had awakened her and looked down at floor. Curled up in the clothes she had let drop to the floor the night before, Charlie was glaring up at her resentfully. This was the first night in months he had not spent curled up with either her or James. Between the unhappy pooch and the growing discomfort as her body demanded she pay attention to its more practical biological needs, she realized she was going to have to get up. She attempted to slide out from under James’ arm but he tightened it. The change in his breathing told her he was no longer fully asleep. He mumbled something incoherent and pressed his face into the back of her neck. “What? James, I didn’t hear that.” He groaned and turned his head to free his face from her hair. “Time?” “Eight-thirty,” she said, looking at the face of the clock on her beside table. James shook his head and snuggled back against her. “Too early.” She chuckled. “Sleep, then. I need to get up for a minute.” He grumbled but loosened his hold on her and rolled on to his back. His eyes hadn’t opened once in the entire exchange. As she rounded the side of the bed, she could see from the childlike expression on his face that he had again drifted back to sleep. His black hair was tousled and an errant lock had fallen across his eyes. He seemed to be at peace and looked much more like the man she’d seen in the photograph than the one with whom she’d been sharing these rooms. James might not be the most handsome man she’d ever known but he was certainly the most beautiful. By the time he had finally crawled out of bed, something she had quickly learned he hated to do on his days off, she had showered, dressed and was almost finished marking the student papers on her terminal. Still stretching he stood in the doorway to the main room and watched her. She couldn’t stop herself from smiling under his regard. He reached out and brushed his hand down over her hair briefly then picked up her empty mug from the desk. “Coffee,” his said, his voice thick, “must have coffee.” “There’s some made,” she chuckled as he moved past her and into the kitchen. When he returned, he set down her newly filled mug and leaned against the edge of the desk sipping gingerly at his own cup. She allowed herself to study him, looking openly at him for the first time like the man he was and not a disappointment waiting to happen, or a friend in the making who must never be seen as more than that. He was tall, six-three according to his bio, his body medium framed with what she now knew was a solid muscled chest, a fit if not taut stomach and narrow hips. The white t-shirt that he wore atop the soft pajama bottoms fit but not too snugly. The remembered feel of his arms around her, the look of him still rumpled with sleep, made her want to reach out and touch him, to taste his lips again. “Thank you,” she lifted her own cup, feeling the hot liquid warm her hands even as her thoughts were warming the rest of her. He shrugged and she suppressed a grin at the memory of Jena’s question the night before. “So is there anything we have to do today?” he asked when he finally spoke.
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“No. Tomorrow we’re making up for leaving Robert and Shay waiting.” James rolled his eyes. “Right.” Leah stood up. “Come on,” she stepped toward him and laid her hand on his hard biceps. She could feel the muscles flex slightly beneath the faux cotton fibers. Almost nothing was real here. Most things, like this shirt, were synthetics made to look natural but somehow falling short. But James was real and the feel of him exceeded any dreams she had ever entertained. Her heart cried out to her to be cautious, to not trust it to one night. “It won’t be that bad. You like taking Charlie to the park, we’ll meet them there. Shay and Hailey are providing the food.” James frowned. “Hailey? When did Hailey and Aaron get invited along?” She shook her head. “Sometimes I think you just don’t like people, Mr. Edwards.” He his eyes narrowed. “I don’t.” She slipped her hand down his arm to fold over his free hand. “Strange choice of professions then, eh?” “Most of the people I deal with are asleep waiting for us to cut them open.” He curled his fingers over hers as he spoke. His hand was warm and gentle despite the strength she knew it possessed. She couldn’t stop the upturn of her lips. “Well, I like Shay and Hailey and I think despite what you tell yourself you like Robert and Aaron. Now Tim…” A smile finally touched his face. “Tim we could all do without most of the time.” She released her grip and returned to her terminal to shut it down. “So, today is yours, sir. Any special requests?” “Yeah.” She felt his hand rest lightly on her back and she turned to see him grinning down at her. The smile made her think again of the photo of him with his family, his own boyish expression, the mischief in his son’s eyes. His hand moved up and touched her cheek. “I want to spend today doing absolutely nothing and doing it with you.” Two hours later, showered and dressed in what passed for the casual uniform of Sanctuary, grey fleece pants with a matching shirt, he had his feet up on the coffee table with Band 9 running on the screen that had been built into the wall. A biography of a soccer player from the before time was playing out as he waited for the game to begin. Data reader and drink in hand she started to sit down in the chair. “Over here,” James said, not taking his eyes off the screen. She hesitated until he looked up at her and repeated, “Over here.” He patted the seat next to him on the sofa. Walking around she sat on the opposite end and started to pull up the book she was reading on the slim silver device. It was the size of her hand but thin. She heard an impatient sigh to her right and turned to find him frowning at her. “What?” “Nothing, I just thought you were gonna sit with me while I watched the game,” James shrugged and turned away. “I am sitting with you.” Leah lifted her hands to indicate she was right beside him. 109
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“No, you’re sitting over there.” The sound of his voice carried a petulant tone as if she had truly hurt his feelings. “Where did you want me to sit?” “Over here.” He patted the spot directly next to him. She rolled her eyes and moved over the few inches. His arm slipped around her and pulled her the remaining distance. “Better.” “You really are a demanding thing, aren’t you?” she muttered. “You’ve no idea.” The tone of his voice made her look up at him. The sincerity poured out of him and filled her. He looked down at her face. “Leah, I’m not a nice person. I’m not easy to live with, as I’m sure you’ve noticed. I’m demanding and difficult. Sarah always said she had three children and not two.” “Most women say that.” Leah shook her head at him. He responded by hugging her close for a moment. Then the game started. He spent the duration focused on the action on screen while she leaned against him reading.
***** His hazel eyes narrowed as he took in the scene. He’d just rounded the corner on one of the Nature Recreation Center paths when he stopped and pulled the woman next to him over to the side. He watched the group on the green slope intently. Then he smiled. “What is it?” the woman asked trying to see what he was seeing. “Success, I think.” Her brown eyes followed his and watched the group of six stretched out around the remains of a picnic lunch, talking and watching the small dog scamper about. They were too far away for her to hear their words but the repeated peals of laughter rang out clearly. Her heart clenched guiltily in her chest as she recognized one of the women. “I’ll be damned, I don’t think I believed she’d actually do it. I know you told me how good she was but I don’t think I believed even your Leah could do this.” Harrison slid his arm around his life partner affectionately. He watched as James Edwards, the bane of his existence and thorn in his professional side, sat close behind the woman to whom he had partnered him. He’d never seen such a peaceful and relaxed look on the man’s face. Not even in the security vids he had watched, taken when James didn’t know he was being filmed. Karen saw the happy look on Leah’s face and felt sick. This just wasn’t fair. She pulled angrily away from Harrison’s grip but he didn’t notice. He was fixated on the sight before him. His client James reached up and brushed a strand of Leah’s hair from her neck gently. He lowered his head and whispered something into her ear as he leaned forward reaching for a piece of the remaining food. Karen couldn’t miss the way he paused, letting his upper body press against Leah’s back for a moment, before he resumed his relaxed posture. She couldn’t miss the flush in Leah’s cheeks. She couldn’t
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miss the satisfied looks on the faces of the man’s friends. And she couldn’t miss the triumphant hiss that emanated from the man next to her. The sound made her skin start to crawl. As much as she wanted to hate Harrison for what was to come, she knew she was no less culpable. He walked alongside Robert and Aaron as the three women preceded them. They were a study in contrast. Shay’s long, lean body was exactly the form that would have turned his head a few years ago. Her ebony skin was rich and stretched over tight, lean muscles. She strode along, head up and meeting the eye of the world with a challenging smile. Hailey was on the opposite end. Her petite frame and delicate bones were topped by almost white blonde hair. She moved with a bubbling energy. Aaron had called her his little cheerleader. Then there was Leah. Sandwiched between them, her brown hair was pulled back in a tail that swayed as she walked. Her head tipped down slightly as if she avoided the eyes of passersby. Her step was more cautious, more measured, as if she was being careful not to disturb the ground overmuch by her presence. James found himself studying the curve of her hip as she walked. He turned his head and caught Robert smiling at him. “What?” “Nothing,” the man turned away from him, still smiling. This is why he didn’t like people. He didn’t like the knowing smiles that had passed between Robert and Shay, Shay and Hailey. His life was his business and he didn’t want anyone speculating on it. “Get over yourself, man.” Aaron grunted. “What?” James turned to look at him. Aaron didn’t speak often and when he did it wasn’t always tactful. “Get over it. It’s going good. So what if we know you’d rather be spending a bit of sack time than messing around with us. Give the tough guy routine a rest and enjoy yourself.” The large man stepped ahead of them, caught his partner’s hand and spoke to the group as a whole before James could find a suitable comeback. “Hailey and I have something to celebrate and you’re all invited.” The woman flushed pink and swatted at Aaron’s shoulder. “Aaron!” A grin broke the broad face and he put his arms around her. “Tonight you are all invited to partake in adult refreshment with me. Hailey will be drinking sparkling water.” James looked at him blankly. It was Shay’s excited cry and Robert’s hard thump on Aaron’s back that woke him. Hailey was pregnant. When Shay released the woman and Robert stepped aside, he noticed Leah move in to hug her. He extended his own hand to Aaron. “Congratulations. This is great news.” Both sets of blue eyes shone with happiness as Hailey hugged Leah back and Aaron held James’ grip and placed his other hand on his forearm. “Thanks. But that doesn’t
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get you out of helping us celebrate tonight. The little club in the Red Section? The one Robert tricked you into taking us to last year?” Tricked was right. Robert had declared that the food at a dive near the HSC building was the best to be had. James had argued that the club in the public area of Red Section was better and had better music to boot. It had become a “prove it” situation and he had found himself hosting the three men. He pulled his arm free of Aaron’s grasp a second before the man released it. James caught Leah’s eye and the expression on her face. She expected him to be gracious about it now that he was cornered. He damned well didn’t feel like being gracious, especially because he was cornered. The soft touch of a hand on his arm made the tension melt away. He looked down into her green eyes and found himself surrendering. “Sounds good.” Hailey’s eyes sparkled with laughter. “No it doesn’t but thank you. I can’t think of anyone I’d want to celebrate this with more than Shay and Leah. So I guess it’s ok if you and Robert come along too.” “Whadda ya say?” Aaron swept his gaze around the group. “Eight? Eight-thirty?” As he headed toward the entrance closest to the trolley station for Red Sector, James reached out and grabbed Leah’s hand. She stopped and looked up at him questioningly. “Thank you.” Her nose wrinkled as her brow furrowed. “Whatever for?” “For today. As much as they irritate me, you’re right. I do almost like Robert and Aaron can actually make sense from time to time.” He fell in step beside her, continuing to hold her hand as they walked. “I would never have had this day if it weren’t for you. It was nice to just relax with people for once.” Leah didn’t answer but he didn’t really need her to. Her hand tightened fleetingly in his grip. As they stood idly waiting for the next tram, he felt her thumb brush across the back of his hand rhythmically. There was always such a peaceful rhythm to Leah. He looked around him at the people on all sides. Some of them gave them passing looks, some of them ignored them. Occasionally someone would cast a critical look Leah’s way. He recognized the difference in himself. This time the looks didn’t make him want to hide. They made him want to pull Leah to his side and shield her from anyone that would ever hurt her, even with a casual glance. When they arrived home, they were already bantering about who got first dibs on the shower. She was laughing up at him and backing away toward the bathroom door. He held on to her hand and refused to release it. “And what gives you first call?” he asked, the laugh coming astonishingly easy in response to hers. “I’m a girl, I take longer,” she said, tugging her hand back. Instead of letting go, he allowed her to pull him closer to her. He moved forward until she had her back against the wall in the hallway, his free hand was pressed against it as he leaned in close to her. “Whatever happened to Women’s Lib?” Damn, he liked the way her face lit up when she smiled.
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“Whatever happened to chivalry?” she shot back. She ducked under his arm and slipped through her bedroom door. He came after her in the next breath but she had already grabbed her robe and was closing the bathroom door. “No you don’t.” His arm shot out and stopped her. He pushed it open. He watched her flushed face, emerald eyes dancing wickedly. He recognized the almost foreign happiness he felt, he liked playing with her. He liked that she teased and played back. It had been a long time since things had been so good, so free. “Get out of this bathroom.” She put one hand on her hip. Her lips pressed into the image of mock disapproval but the light in her eyes belied any sternness. “Didn’t your mother teach you any manners? Ladies first and knock before entering?” He leaned against the door frame with his arms across his chest. “Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?” she tossed back playfully. The mood of the moment moved him forward and he crossed the room to stand over her. “The guy who’s not leaving this bathroom.” She shrugged. “Suit yourself.” She turned away from him and hung the robe on a hook and kicked off her shoes. Was she serious? Would she really do it? He watched her slip off her socks and then turn toward the mirror. After pulling the clasp from her hair, she brushed it several strokes until it crackled with static electricity. Then she looked up at him and met his eyes in the mirror. Her grin was back. “You’re going to call my bluff, aren’t you?” He felt the smile stretch his own mouth and nodded. “The question is will you let me?” The smile vanished and he heard her pull in a staggered breath. “The question is do you want me to?” He wasn’t sure when he had ever wanted anything more. He moved up behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders. Smoothing them over the rounded curves, he passed down her arms to grasp both hands. He pulled them across her middle, holding her hands tightly in his as he pulled her back against him. He watched the eyes that never failed to move him hold his own in the reflection of the glass. “You know, there is a solution to our dilemma.” The quiver of her lower lip as she responded made him long to catch it in his teeth and pull it into his mouth. “What solution is that?” James lowered his head and nuzzled her hair away from her ear. “Didn’t your mother ever teach you about sharing?” “I think it was mentioned a time or two.” He released her hands as she turned in his arms before they closed around her. She felt good, the softness of her as she filled his arms. Her mouth tasted sweet under his as he claimed it. As his teeth tugged at her bottom lip he felt the tightening deep inside him, the pull in the pit of his stomach. It still amazed him how her kiss made his body
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respond. Yesterday had been spent with her at his side, curled under his arm or pressed against him as he had kissed her again and again, tasting her. And repeatedly he had pulled back before his body’s demands became too much. But as he slid his tongue against hers, swallowing the moan that came from deep in her throat as he cupped her breast, he didn’t want to pull back. Her hand tangled itself in the hair at the nape of his neck, fingers teasing the skin to life. His body shook as she moved her other hand across his back, smoothing over the muscles. Breaking the kiss, he moved his lips to her neck. She liked this. Liked his lips on her throat, the way his tongue stroked her skin, probing and teasing. She gasped as he nipped at the flesh, stretched taut as she arched her head back to give him greater access. He felt the rumble of laughter in her throat. “Sharing could be good.” He placed his fingers gently against her jaw and turned her head so he could see her eyes. “Are you sure?” “Yes.” James covered her mouth with his and kissed her deeply. He explored the soft wetness of her mouth and allowed her to tease his. Her tongue slipped over his teeth and tickled the roof of his mouth, before finding his and curling against it. A fire started to burn deep inside him, warming him, heating him from within, demanding that he fuel it and let it burn itself out on her body. He was drawing in labored breaths by the time he pulled back. Her eyes held his for a moment as she stroked his face, pressing her palm to his cheek before tracing the line of his nose down to tickle his lips. James threaded his fingers through her hair, reveling in the softness. It was baby fine and felt absolutely glorious as it slipped through his fingers. His hands moved down to her neck and he traced the outline of the opening of her shirt, pausing at the point of the V to move up the slight line of cleavage to the hollow of her throat. One hand returned to tangle in her hair as he urged her head back, baring her throat. He placed his lips against the point where her collarbones met and followed his kiss with the touch of his tongue. Her moan vibrated against his lips. Lips that briefly reclaimed hers. Lifting his head he slipped a finger inside the opening of her shirt, passing his finger between the two layers of cloth, breaking the magnetic bond as he went. Slowly he pressed the edges back, opening the garment to reveal her pale white skin, which seemed translucent in contrast to the true white of the bra that hid her from him. He felt her stiffen. She was afraid. He knew it as certainly as he knew the deepening of his want that the sight of her caused in him. He shh’ed her gently, pressing his lips to her neck and following the now open trail down between her breasts. He slipped the shirt off her shoulders and it dropped to the floor. He let his fingers play along the swell of her abdomen and up to the fullness of her breasts. Meeting her lips again, he cupped the abundance of her curves in his hands, lifting them. He loved the feeling, the weight, the rich promise of those mounds of flesh. He wanted them against his mouth. He wanted to taste them, to feel her response to his tongue.
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Releasing her reluctantly, he slid his hands around her and unclasped the hooks. Removing the cloth he stepped back to look at her. “James?” she said softly, her head tilting to one side, the green orbs swirling, mesmerizing him. “Beautiful, Leah. You’re beautiful.” He pulled her to him more forcefully than he wanted to but the pounding of his heart and the deepening of his need were playing havoc with his judgment. And she astonished him by responding passionately to his touch. Her hands were pushing open his own shirt until he felt the touch of her flesh on his. He groaned against her lips as she pushed the garment from him. Any hesitancy, any shyness seemed to have fled. If he had any doubts she wanted him, was attracted to him, they flew from his mind. Something in him demanded he slow down, that he hold back for the moment. He pulled away from her slightly. At first she resisted but when his hands moved to the waistband of her pants, she followed his lead and was pulling his own pants over his hips. He felt her thighs beneath his touch as he pushed the fabric down her legs. But it was the feel of her fingertips against the backs of his legs that made him shudder. Impatiently he kicked the garments aside and pulled her to him. There was no hiding how deeply he wanted her. He felt the soft skin of her stomach pressed to his hardness and had to pull back from her lips, holding her still against him as he fought for control. She pushed back away from him and his mind reeled for a moment. Then he heard the water start to run. She looked at him brazenly as she slipped her panties to the floor. Gone was the hesitant self-conscious woman who had stiffened at his first sight of her breasts. This woman knew he wanted her. She stepped forward and slipped his own briefs down, freeing him. Her assurance faltered for a moment and she flushed. He found himself grinning as he realized she was seeing a man’s aroused body for the first time. From her own words he knew she had never come this far with any man, not even Jason. She slipped into the shower and stood, letting the water run down her skin. “We’re wasting water,” she beckoned him with the curling of one finger. He was beside her in an instant, feeling the slickness of her flesh against him as the warm wetness pummeled his back. Her lips again under his, he slipped his hands up her body. He felt the tight hardness as his thumb stroked across her, making her shiver in his arms. He pressed her back against the wall of the stall and sank to his knees. His arms wrapped around her and he pulled her forward. He pulled her breast into his mouth, reveling at the way it overflowed his hand. He sucked her gently and moved his tongue over her in rapid teasing strokes. The sounds of pleasure that came from her filled his ears like the sweetest of music. He toyed with her fullness, suckling, licking, nipping at her while watching her face as the sensations closed her eyes and brought her teeth out to bite her lower lip.
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His hand moved down her stomach to her thigh. He ran his hand over the skin, marveling at the unexpected firmness of the outer thigh contrasting with the softness of the inner skin as he nudged her legs apart. His fingers found her warmth and pressed into her. The startled gasp that came from her urged him deeper. Her eyes locked to his as his fingers stroked her in time to the movement of his tongue. She groaned his name and threw back her head. He felt her tension rising, felt the quivering of her muscles, the tightening around his fingers. One thought filled his mind. He needed to please her. He had to please her. Hard on its heels came the overwhelming sense of reassurance that he was pleasing her. His own body burned hotter in response to the realization that he was making her feel in ways she had never known before. Her hands gripped his shoulders and her breathing became irregular. He pushed her need higher, increasing the force and speed of his movements until her cries and the spasming around his fingers told him he had given her release. He knelt there for a moment, his cheek pressed to her breasts, allowing her breathing to calm. He rose and pulled her into his embrace. Her arms wrapped around him and she pressed her face into his neck. The feel of her body pressed to his was making the ache unbearable. Not this time, not now. It was all too new for her. He forced the images of that which he wanted desperately from his thoughts. Or he tried to. As soon as he had dismissed it from his mind, he felt her hand begin to move over his spine in slow tantalizing strokes. Her hand slipped lower, over the curve of his hip and cupped it, squeezing gently. What pulled the gasp from him was the feel of her nails as they scraped against his skin in a path over the rise of his hips, up his back to his neck. With both hands she pushed him playfully against the wall and began to caress his chest. Leah dipped her head to move her tongue along his shoulder, small lapping motions as if she were drinking the water beaded on his skin. His body demanded relief from the painful need, the fire inside him was blazing and there was only one thing that would soothe it. Leah. Only Leah could ease this need. Her hands trailed down his chest followed by her lips. Hesitantly she flicked her tongue over his nipple and he shuddered. His hand came up to tangle in her wet hair. His reaction seemed to remove all uncertainty and she toyed with the hard skin rolling it under her tongue, stroking it with her fingers. The delicate hand moved down his stomach and curled around him. He clenched his jaw, the touch was so gentle, so tender as she caressed him lightly. She lifted her face to his and smiled at him. “Teach me James,” she whispered. He moaned loudly and moved his own hand down to cover hers. Fingers entwined, he moved their hands over the length of him, showing her the pressure, the rhythm, the touch that would bring him relief from the want so powerful it hurt. Her lips played over his chest and neck as he held her to him. He gave over control of the movement to her but kept his hand over hers. Feeling her as she stroked him was one of the most erotic experiences of his life. When it came, his own cry of release nearly drowned out the warning alarm on the shower. He stood, clutching her to him, until the water finally stopped flowing.
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She looked up at him and he met her gaze. She lifted up and pressed her lips to his, then snuggled up under his chin. It had only been the touch of lips and hands but no one but Leah had ever made him feel like this. Feel so wanted, so needed, so adored, as if no one in the world mattered more than he did. “Leah.” His voice sounded thick and raspy. “Yes.” Her lips moved against his skin as she spoke. The feeling sent a shudder through him like the aftershock of a tremor. “I’m falling in love with you.”
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Chapter Seventeen James moved his hands from the towel and lifted his pants from the floor. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the silver rectangle that vibrated and gave off a low blip. He pushed a button and frowned. The first two fingers on his left hand flew over the touch screen as he muttered, “No way.” “No way what?” Leah pushed the towel away from her face. He stood behind her with a toweling robe wrapped around his waist. His damp hair was pushed back from his face and curled around his neck just above his shoulder. He set the data reader on the countertop and shook his head. He reached for her and resumed the massaging of her scalp and head, drying the last of the water from her hair. “Nothing. Robert has lost his mind completely is all.” “Why has he lost his mind?” She stood with her back to him, a thick towel wrapped around her. James lifted the towel from her hair and reached for her brush. He began pulling it through the still damp strands gently. “Nothing really, he’s just finally lost his mind. Not that I think he ever had such a firm grip in the first place.” It was on the tip of her tongue to pursue it but the rhythmic stokes of the brush distracted her. She felt her shoulders relax as her tingling scalp pulsed, sending shivers down her spine. She closed her eyes and drank in the sensation of his touch. After a few moments she heard the brush clink against the counter and opened her eyes. His fingers slid through her hair. His body moved closer and she could feel the heat rise inside her. She couldn’t remember anyone brushing her hair since she was a small child. But this definitely felt different. “You want this back up?” His fingers had moved down to her neck. The tips were caressing the skin below her ears sending the most delightful tingles racing across her nerve endings. She watched him in the mirror, her eyes following the line of his shoulder and the curve of his biceps as he moved. Though her own reflection now blocked her view, she knew the image of his chest, smooth and defined but not overly developed, would never leave her memory. She remembered the feel of his skin under her hands, the wisps of dark hair that trailed from his navel downward. “Probably.” She drew in a deep breath and reached for the brush and he caught her hand. “I can do it.” His smile pulled her eyes to his in the mirror. Her shock was clear on her face and he laughed. The sound was warm and it touched her heart the same soft way his fingers were touching her skin. “I’ll have you know I’m quite good at plaiting hair. I’ve had a great deal of practice.”
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She saw and felt his sincerity but couldn’t hold back her incredulity. “You? You can braid hair? Next you’ll be telling me you can crochet doilies.” “My, my Ms. Bradley, what a sexist attitude.” His smile widened but she saw the sadness fill his eyes and felt horrible. His daughter. The little girl had had very long hair. Long hair pulled back in braids. “James, I’m sorry,” she started. He hushed her. “It’s okay, Leah. I know I spent all this time deliberately not talking about it but it’s okay. For some reason I want to tell you about them. I don’t know why but it doesn’t hurt to tell you.” She lifted her hand to touch his. The look on his face touched her deeply. He was opening to her, she could feel his desire to connect to her in a real and deep way as if he were opening windows and letting light into a room that had been dark too long. The brightness seemed to frighten him but he craved it just the same. It was impossible not to love this man. They didn’t speak while he pulled back her hair and started to fasten it with the elastic band. He stopped. “Leah?” She was locked to his eyes and wasn’t sure she could speak. He was combing through her hair with his fingers, brushing it around her face. “Wear it down, will you?” It was all she could do to nod. He lowered his head and pressed his face to her hair. His hands moved over her bare shoulders and brushed clear her neck. The lips that touched her there, burned as if he were branding himself on her flesh, claiming her as his own. A dull ache began deep inside her chest. She wanted him to claim her. She wanted to belong to him. She knew how he felt—she could feel it inside her as if it was her own adoration and affection. But still, a small and wounded piece of her could not let go the fear that it would all end. Someday soon, it would all end. His hands started to pull the towel free from around her and she closed hers over them. “If you start that we will be late and you won’t be able to blame it on me this time.” Though he gave an impatient groan, she could feel and see the smile on his face as he pressed it against her skin. “Since when did being late bother you?” “Since we’d have to explain why.” She lifted her hand and stroked his hair. She could see the reluctance in his face, feel it in the posture of his body. “If this was anything less important I’d tell Aaron to shove his celebration up his ass.” She caught his eyes in the mirror, half lit with humor but blazing with his sincerity. “If this was anything less important, James, I’d already have you naked in that bed.” A soft growl escaped his lips and he held her tightly for a moment before stepping backward hands held wide, palms out in surrender. “Must get dressed. Must get dressed,” he chanted softly to himself. He turned slowly toward the door to his room and gave her one last look before he slipped through it to get ready. The look made a promise and let her know he intended to fulfill that promise before the night was over.
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By habit or some ingrained sense of her modesty, he shut the door behind him. “We’ll see,” she whispered to the closed door. “We’ll see.” Her father’s words again rang in her head. We do not play at love. Play that game and you will never know happiness. She closed her eyes. It was as if the man stood in the room with her his message was so strong and so fierce. “I know Daddy, I know.” She opened her eyes and could almost let herself imagine she saw the beloved face shimmer for a moment in the mirror. “But if not James then who?” The image solidified and her breath caught in her throat. “Daddy?” We must be fair to them. They must make the choice, not us. We do not bind ourselves to them or them to us unwillingly, Leah. Words her father had never spoken out loud she now heard as if he stood behind her. The face in the mirror was sad but firm. You nearly slipped before and look what that brought. He has to come to you on his own, my girl. On his own. “But he does come on his own,” she pleaded with the figure. But not yet from love, Leah. Her father’s face wavered. He can only win this if he comes to you from love.
***** James frowned as he walked alongside Leah. Something had happened after he left her in the bathroom. Her mood was different, distant and troubled. She tried to smile but he could see the confusion and hurt in her eyes. And he’d be damned if he knew why. They arrived at a place that could only be called small. Not the bar-like atmosphere of the Blue Moon, the place she and her friends frequented but definitely not the pub atmosphere one would expect in the Red Section. This place had a bar, tables, a small stage and the tiniest of cleared spaces before it that could be mistaken for a dance floor if it had been just a bit bigger. The place had more the feel of a coffee house than a pub. 20-20 hung above the door in red letters. The crowd was light as James urged Leah through the door. The music came exclusively from the top twenty of the later part of the twentieth century, played at a level low enough to allow for conversation and gave the place its name. He moved out of the entrance and tried to see if he could find Robert or Aaron already seated. He didn’t find them but someone else found him. “James?” the male voice called from behind the bar. He cringed and turned to find the young smiling face beaming at him. “It is you. Get over here, mate.” James groaned softly and steered Leah toward what was more of a counter than a bar. The young man with blond hair came around the corner and greeted James with an enthusiastic two-handed handshake. “How many times do I have to tell you the word ‘mate’ sounds absolutely ridiculous with your accent?” The young man was one of the youngest James had met in Sanctuary and his Greek-accented English made certain words grate on his nerves. 120
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“But the girls like when I sound British, mate.” He winked at Leah. “This must be reason you abandon us. As if getting assignment was reason to give up job.” “Job?” Leah turned to him questioningly. “Not so much a job as a hobby,” James frowned. He’d have to run into Theo of all people. “Aah,” Theo waved James’ comment away. “James work here longer than me. He left because he was getting new assignment.” Green eyes looked up at him. “You worked here?” “Part-time,” he assured her. “The extra credits came in handy from time to time.” “Naw,” Theo shook his head again. “He love us and he love working here. Not that Mr. I Hate The World, would say so. Had his own groupies you know.” “Groupies,” Leah’s brows shot up. “And you have a big mouth.” He glared at the young man. Incorrigible was a word created for Theo. “And you have bad manners,” the boy shot back. He turned to Leah. “I am Theo Papandreaous. My mother name me Theo because I am godlike.” Jealousy flared in James as the young man with the devilish grin took Leah’s outstretched hand, turned it palm down and kissed her knuckles lightly. Leah laughed, “I see. Now I’d like to hear more about these groupies.” “I’d rather we didn’t,” James groaned. Theo’s smile brightened. “Ladies like his, what they call it James? Oh, yes, soulful voice.” “You have a soulful voice?” Leah was struggling not to laugh and the light dancing in her eyes made it impossible for him not allow the edges of his lips to curl in response. “No.” “You have not sung for her?” Theo’s astonishment widened his brown eyes. “No, I haven’t and thank you for bringing that up.” The young man smiled brightly and turned to the older man behind the bar and said something in Greek. James had worked with the two for sometime and though he had picked up very little Greek, it was enough to get the gist of what was being said. “No, you won’t.” There was no way he was going to be made to sing for his supper. “I’ll pay with credits just like everyone else.” “We see,” Theo grinned. The damned kid never did take him seriously. Everything was a joke. “I think your koukla will help change mind.” “Do you think we could get a table?” James tried to change the subject. “Do you have reservation?” Theo fired back. “He does not need a reservation.” A tall dark-haired woman came around the corner. James smiled involuntarily as he saw her approach. She did not reach out to touch him but her smile was welcoming. “We always have a place for family.” 121
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“Hello, Calla.” The woman was not an unwelcome sight. He marveled that her words did not have their usual effect. Her use of the word family had always bothered him, tonight it didn’t. He placed his hand on Leah’s shoulder and introduced them. “Leah Bradley, this is Calla Nikolaou. She and her husband Costas run this place. Leah has had the misfortune of being stuck with me.” Leah gave him a look that was almost angry before turning to Calla. The two women greeted one another politely. “Are you related to Theo?” Leah asked. The older woman smiled and shook her head. “We are all family here, not the old kind but the new kind. Theo came to us barely speaking English and barely old enough to be away from his mother. But for now I think James has had all the family he can tolerate. Take the reserved table to the side, James.” He frowned. “But that’s the one you save for special guests.” The surrealism of their existence made the sight of disturbingly familiar faces not uncommon. “Precisely why you will take it.” The woman turned away as if it ended all argument. And with Calla, it did. He took Leah’s hand and led her across the space to the table. He had barely settled her in when the rest of the party arrived. “How do you do it, Leah?” Shay was shaking her head as she lowered herself into a seat. “The trek out to the Red Section everyday must be murder.” “One endured daily by everyone in the Red and Green Sections,” James observed dryly. “If everything weren’t laid out in such an Americentric way we wouldn’t have that problem.” “The Rec Center and the Nature Centers are closer to Red and Green,” Aaron pointed out. “But the facilities people use more often like the Health Services, the main supply stations, the Family Services Center where we meet with our life guides and Education centers are all located near the Blue and White sections, the American sections.” Leah interjected. Pride welled up in him. It was silly really but it felt nice to have her take his side, so to speak. Robert chuckled, “I find something really satisfying about living in the White section.” “Can we order sometime soon and leave politics for later?” Aaron rolled his eyes. “That’s my man.” Hailey grinned. “Aaron is about as apolitical as you get.” “We’re still waiting for Tim.” Robert’s words brought James up short. “Tim?” “Yes, Tim,” Robert said pointedly, frowning slightly. “He and his new assignment will be joining us soon. I’m surprised they’re not here. I know he got off on the wrong foot with Leah but he is Aaron’s friend.”
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“Of course he is.” Leah was smiling softly at them. “Tim is always welcome. He means well even if it doesn’t always come out that way. Besides, I’m not the one he ticked off that day—that was Stephen.” Shay smiled broadly. “He should have known to check the ID band before he hit on someone. I’d like to have seen the look on Rebecca’s face.” Leah’s smile broadened. “It was priceless.” Several minutes passed before they heard Tim’s voice call out to them. As he wove his way through the crowd, James could just see the dark head moving behind him. Halfway across the room, the crowd opened and the woman stepped out from behind Tim. Her grey eyes went instantly to his and there was no hint of surprise. His heart dropped into his stomach and he felt instantly sick. The only word his mind would form was “fuck”. Over and over it repeated this expletive with no other coherent thought forming through the dread, horror and fury that was growing in him. Leah tensed at his side but he was barely aware of it. He felt her hand reach for his on the table and he pulled his away without thinking. Reaching the table, Tim hesitated, catching sight of James’ face. He frowned deeply. The woman, a sweet smile fixing on her lips spoke. “Hello, James.” He forced himself to respond with a nod and a curt, “Nina.” He ignored both Leah’s sharp intake of breath and the curious looks from the others as he watched Nina slip into a vacant chair. Tim dropped down next to her and watched James warily. He didn’t know whether he felt worse for Tim, Leah or himself. Probably himself if he were honest. All he could do was glare at her, knowing full well that everyone at the table was aware of the tension, of his anger. Most of all, Leah. “You two have met, I take it,” Shay spoke up, breaking the uncomfortable silence. “Oh yes,” Nina’s voice practically purred. He had learned to hate that tone of voice. Once it had enthralled him, enticed him but now he hated it. “James and I go way back. We’re very intimately acquainted.” He couldn’t stop the angry snort that erupted from him. “Actually I don’t think I ever knew you at all.” The carefully sculpted eyebrows rose and, if anything, the smile deepened. “What an odd thing to say about your wife, James.” She turned her face from him. “Ex-wife,” he snarled at Nina. This was a nightmare. That, or just typical of the way his life always went. Just when things had been going along so well… First the change in Leah’s demeanor, now this. The revelation brought a gasp from Hailey and Shay’s eyes narrowed as she assessed the new arrival. Tim looked as if someone had punched him. Only Aaron seemed nonplussed but then Aaron often did. Nina shrugged her shoulders and suggested that Tim introduce her to those she did not know. When her attention turned to Hailey who sat at James’ side, her smile widened. “You must be James’ new assignment. Tim told me it was going well?”
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“Hailey is my life partner,” Aaron interjected. “Forgive me,” Nina feigned chagrin and turned to Leah. “That leaves only you my dear. Don’t tell me you’re James’ assignment?” “I am,” Leah’s voice was tight. Her entire body was on edge, guarded as he hadn’t seen it since the first days of their assignment. A nasty smile lit the perfect face. “And things are going well for you? How odd.” “That’s enough, Nina.” Tim shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure you’re a dear but James has always been so caught up in appearances, such a physical being if you get my meaning.” When the manicured hand reached out to pat hers, Leah pulled back sharply. “I get your meaning perfectly. But this is supposed to be a celebration.” Leah’s voice was cool and remote. She turned to Hailey and smiled genuinely, “Have you started talking about names or is it too soon for that?” Hailey hesitated a moment before picking up the topic. “Too soon. We actually weren’t going to tell anyone until after the third month, so much can go wrong. But big mouth here just couldn’t keep his yap shut.” She gave Aaron a playful jab with her elbow. James sat letting the idle conversation float around him while he tried to quell his anger. Anger fixed not only on the woman sitting across from him but also at himself. How had he ever let her fool him? How could he have ever believed she loved him, let alone that he had loved her? The image of their last fight closed around him. “You never gave a shit about me did you?” he’d slung at her as he watched her pack. She had come home moments before and proclaimed she had filed for termination of their marriage. They had been in Sanctuary less than three weeks. “Don’t get melodramatic on me, James.” Her voice was cold and uncaring. “It’s not like you really loved me. You wanted to get laid and couldn’t face the guilt that you wanted someone other than Sarah. Don’t blame me because you decided it meant you must love me.” His rage had almost robbed him of his ability to speak. “Why? Why did you pretend to care for me if it was just about getting laid?” She looked up at him as if he were stupid. “You had been accepted to Sanctuary, James. You were my ticket in. I’m not a fool.” His stomach gave a dry heave. He dropped heavily, stunned, onto the bed. Sitting there he lifted his head to see the truth in her eyes. “What? You thought I loved you? Don’t be an idiot, James.” “How did you know? I didn’t tell you about Sanctuary until you agreed to marry me.” He clung to the dying hope that she had actually cared for him. “Yes, you did. The first night. You really shouldn’t drink so much James, if you can’t remember what you said.” Her eyes were icy and cruel as she watched him squirm in his own pain. “That first night you got totally pissed and told me all about Sarah and Sanctuary. I thought at first you were joking, then I realized that damnable honorable streak in you was my
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way in. You’d never let yourself believe you could betray Sarah’s memory for a quick, down and dirty fuck, so you told yourself you must love me. All I had to do was play nice for a while.” James watched her across the table. She was trying hard to be ingratiating, trying so hard to make the others like her. The fury inside him was raging to the point he could only see through a haze of red. She’d use them all to get what she wanted. Use his friends. He was ready to erupt when he felt a cool pressure on his thigh. It startled him. He looked down to see Leah’s hand resting there. Her face was impassive and turned away from him but her hand seemed to ease his anger, to calm him if only slightly. Calm him enough he could hear the conversation around him. “I must say, James, your choice of friends surprises me,” Nina was saying with a conspiratorial smile. “You’ve certainly grown, let go of your old prejudices.” Nina was directed her next words to Shay and Robert. “James always had a bit of a problem with people who were not like him, if you know what I mean.” Shay’s gaze hardened and Robert’s mouth dropped open. “What?” The word sprang from his mouth. “What are you talking about?” “Come on now, James. I think it shows real growth on your part. Don’t forget I know you better than anyone here.” Her smile was hard and calculated. “You know nothing.” The voice stopped James’ retort. Nina turned to look at the speaker. James had never seen such a look on Leah’s face. She was furious. A fire blazed in her green eyes making them look like small flickering flames and the blade-sharp tone of her voice shocked him. “You know nothing about James. You never did. All you know is how to manipulate and hurt others to get what you want. And right now you want to hurt James.” Nina’s eyes narrowed. “I don’t care enough to want to hurt James.” “No, you don’t care but you also don’t want him happy and we both know why. If he’s happy then he’s not pining for your sorry ass.” Leah’s voice spit venom that had even the unshakable Aaron sitting back in his seat. “And trust me sweetie, he’s not pining.” “I suppose you’re the one who’ll make him get over me?” Nina laughed at her. James wanted to say something to make it stop but couldn’t find the words. He’d never wanted to strike a woman before but right now he’d have done it if it made Nina shut up, if it kept her from hurting Leah. “He doesn’t need me for that,” Leah sneered at her. “You’ve done a fine job showing him just what a worthless bitch you are all by yourself.” “My apologies, Tim, but Nina you need to leave.” Hailey’s voice was hard in a way James had never heard before. It certainly didn’t fit with her usual disposition. “Right,” Tim started to his feet. Nina looked as if she would speak but Robert cut her off. “I hate to be rude since Tim is stuck with you and I’m sure you’ll take it out on him later but lady if you say one more thing, I’m gonna turn my wife loose on you.”
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James caught Shay’s face. The dark eyes danced with her anger and she was literally biting her lip, holding back what she wanted to say. Nina rose slowly from the table and swept her gaze over all of them coming to rest on Leah. “Just remember sweetheart that if he ever deigns to touch that catastrophe you call a body that he’ll be thinking of me.” The laugh burst out of James before he could stop it. “Trust me Nina, you weren’t that good. And believe me, with Leah, I’m not exactly able to form a coherent thought. The last thing I’d be wasting time doing is thinking of you.” He slid his arm around Leah’s shoulders and she leaned into him, her hand brushing against his leg. Nina turned and walked briskly away. Tim took two steps and stopped, looking back at James. “Ya know, I fully intended to have some fun for a few weeks but you married that? What were you thinking, mate?” “I wasn’t,” James grimaced. Tim shook his head and turned to follow his assignment out the door. After a long moment, Robert spoke. “Well that was fun. Next time you get pregnant Hailey, whatta ya say we just stick to the picnic?” Laughter broke the tension and James found that he was at least smiling. The sound of Leah’s laugh was a relief. “Now,” Robert said leaning forward looking at Leah. “I don’t suppose James told you but he used to work here.” “No he didn’t tell me but I’ve recently become aware of the fact.” Her voice quivered with her laughter. “Since we’ve all heard you sing, I think it’s only fair you get to see James in all his glory.” Robert’s smile broadened showing his perfect white teeth. “No way.” James shook his head. “I already told you that is not happening. Don’t you read your messages?” “Only the ones he wants to,” Shay was shaking her head. “Hey Theo,” Robert called to the young man behind the counter. Theo hurried over to them smiling broadly. “You are going to sing?” he looked at James expectantly. “Calla says we lose business since you stop playing for us.” “I doubt that.” He turned to Leah. “I only played occasionally, it’s not like I have any talent or was professional.” “And still you had groupies.” She tried her best to look serious and was failing. James groaned and shook his head. “No, guys, I’m not doing it.” Theo grinned and shouted to the man behind the bar in Greek. The man in turn called for Calla. “He will sing if Calla asks.” “He’d sing if Leah asked,” Aaron grumbled.
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“I’m not going to ask him to do something he so clearly does not want to do,” Leah said firmly. “Thank you, at least someone listens to me.” James shook his head. Theo was right, if Calla asked him he’d have no choice. The woman had taken him in and given him a job. A job he needed not for the credits but to fill the time he didn’t want to spend alone remembering the past. She had heard him playing with her husband’s guitar on break one day and had pulled from him the story of his time as a musician before the world as they knew it ended. It had been Calla who insisted he sing. The dark-haired woman approached them and smiled at him. “The paidi has not taken no for an answer?” “No,” James conceded, “and he’s called out the big guns.” Calla smiled at him and lay her hand on his where it rested on Leah’s shoulder. “You will sing or not as you choose,” she smiled knowingly at him. “You will sing or not for the lady, the choice is always yours.” “Would it get me out of this if I said I don’t have my guitar with me?” “No,” the dark haired woman said softly, curling her lips. “Costas still has your spare in the back room. We knew you would come back to us one day, gios.” She patted the hand and stepped away. “These people really adore you, James.” Leah’s voice was soft and gentle. He hadn’t let himself notice it before but as he watched Calla walk away, saw Theo’s expectant face and remembered the way his friends had risen to his defense against Nina, he knew she was right. He’d always felt so alone but he hadn’t really been. He looked into Leah’s eyes and knew the truth. They had always been there for him, been there all along. He knew it now because of her. Because she had removed the pain from his eyes and let him see again. He lifted his hand to touch her face. For this alone he could have loved her. That there were so many other reasons swelled his heart. And his fear. What if she didn’t love him in return? The thought made him ache in a way that reached his soul. He’d make her love him. He’d do everything he could to make her love him and if he failed, if she went away in a few weeks’ time, he’d at least not be the same man he had been before. He wouldn’t be alone.
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Chapter Eighteen The women had intervened and James had escaped without singing. Leah could feel his relief racing through him. Shay and Hailey had insisted he not feel compelled and that if he didn’t feel he had practiced enough lately, that it was fine if he refused. “This won’t be the last chance you have to perform for us, James,” Shay had said with certainty. “We’ll all get together again soon.” Leah knew the extended invitation to form a social circle with the other two couples warmed James, she saw his skin flush and felt the way it touched him. All this time it had been right here in front of him and yet he had been unable to see it. She hadn’t seen this in him either at first and had been surprised by the regard they had for him. He always seemed so lonely, so aloof. Now she knew it wasn’t so much by choice, as by blinding fear of being hurt. She could hear it inside her. He had pulled back because he didn’t want to care about anyone. But it hadn’t stopped all these people from caring about him. And now that he was starting to see it, she knew new possibilities for his life would begin to open for him. But even her joy for James couldn’t stop the dark grey sadness that lived in the pit of her stomach. Soon he wouldn’t need her anymore. It was always hard, that moment when she knew they didn’t need her anymore. As the door to the residence shut behind them, James tugged her hand and pulled her back toward him. “I seem to be saying thank you to you a lot.” He smoothed her hair back out of her face and leaned in to place a kiss on her forehead. “That’s because you don’t listen when I keep telling you not to say it.” She laid her hand against his face for a moment then moved away toward the door to the hallway. She watched him as he bent over to pick up the dog that was scratching at his leg. He stroked the ears and dodged the darting tongue that seemed determined to assault his face. James smiled at the long pointed face and began murmuring to the dog about missed dinner and how he was a “bad James” for forgetting to put the food out before they left. “It’s your boss lady’s fault you know. If she weren’t so damned distracting, I would have remembered.” He turned to her and winked as he carried Charlie into the kitchen. Leah stood still until she heard the sound of kibble hitting the stainless steel bowl. She turned and walked to her room. She kicked off her shoes and put them on the rack in the closet. Sitting on the bed, she brought her hands up to rub at her face. She had never been this confused, this frightened in her life. A voice in her head spoke nonsense to her about knowing the answer to the age-old question about whether it was better to have loved and lost. The answer, the voice replied, was that it was better not to have loved. Then you didn’t live in fear. Then you didn’t have this broken piece inside you that cringed in fright every time you felt James’ affection, that little piece that trembled
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in the dark waiting for that affection to be yanked away. And the knowledge of just how much worse it will be this time, because you’ve let yourself truly fall in love with him. James appeared around the edge of the door with a grin on his face. “Damn, I was hoping you’d be farther along in the undressing than this.” His smile vanished and he stared hard at her. “Leah? What’s wrong?” She shook her head and forced a smile up. “Nothing. I’m just a bit tired. Drained actually.” He stepped into the room and crouched down in front of her. His hand folded over hers as they lay in her lap. “Bollocks. And that basically means bullshit. Leah, look at me.” She lifted her eyes to his. “I’d say this was Nina but it started before that, before we left. What’s happened?” She wanted to tell him but couldn’t do it. If she told him it might make him happy now but what if it changed? What happened when he didn’t need her anymore, when he was ready to move on to someone who was all that he needed? Just as they had all moved on before. Nina was right, James was an honorable man. He’d stay with her even if he didn’t love her. The light almost literally went on in her head. This is what her father meant that day in the woods. This is what he had been trying to tell her then and earlier today when he reached to her from somewhere. Whether it was real or just from the recesses of her memories, she wasn’t sure but this was what he had been trying to tell her. James would stay with her if he thought she needed him. He’d stay even if he needed to go. And feeling his regrets, his emptiness, his longing inside her would destroy her. Only if he stayed with her because he loved her, truly loved her, would it not be endless torment. Only if he loved her as no one had ever loved her would this not be a complete disaster for both of them. And she just wasn’t the kind of woman men loved that way. She sighed. She couldn’t be honest with him but she also could not lie to him. It was an anathema to her to lie to anyone. “James, there’s a lot happening here. A lot I need to figure out.” She turned her hand under his and tangled her fingers with his. “I need to know what I feel and to be sure you know what you feel.” He looked into her eyes, his lips pressed in a tight line. “I told you what I feel. This afternoon, have you forgotten? Every minute that goes by I’m falling deeper, faster and harder.” His voice softened. “It scares me too.” He lifted her chin with his free hand and leaned in. His lips were gentle, soothing in their kiss. This wasn’t sexual but his need to comfort her. He rose, lips still pressed to hers and sat next to her on the bed where he could wrap his arms around her. Leah pulled her lips away and tucked her head on his shoulder. “Leah?” She didn’t want to talk. She knew the question he was going to ask and was afraid to answer it. Again, she knew she couldn’t lie to him. James leaned back and tilted her head back so she had to look at him. “I’ve told you how I feel, Leah. I need to know how you feel.”
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She found she couldn’t answer him. If she told him the truth, if she said the words the price could be more than she could stand to see him pay. But if she didn’t tell him, how would he ever know? What if by not telling him he thought she didn’t care for him? Her head was spinning so hard it hurt. The rage of emotion was more than she could bear. His next words forced her to choose. “Leah, could you learn to love me? Is it possible? Is there a place in your heart for me?” The anguish in his voice hurt her as nothing had ever hurt her before. If a soul could cry, hers was weeping. Listen, the voice inside commanded and she did. She heard his heart speaking. He was falling in love with her. He adored her. He would put her before anything and anyone. Again he spoke, “Could you possibly feel this way too, Leah? Is it possible you could learn to love me?” She looked into his amber eyes and shook her head. “I already do, James. I already love you.” It took a moment for her words to register. He stared at her in amazement. She loved him? His hand smoothed back her hair, stroked the curve of her cheek as he watched those eyes dance. He felt her touch the day he had lost control, heard her words of comfort. He saw the distress in her face on her birthday, heard her tell him that she had been upset not just by Jason’s words but by how he reacted to them. He saw the fury blaze in her eyes as she faced down Nina, heard the power in her speech, the razor sharp words that lashed out at the woman and something more. The pride in her voice, she was proud of him and proud to be at his side. James tangled his hand in the hair at the nape of her neck and pulled her face to him. He felt the soft flesh of her lips give under the demand of his own. He kissed her mouth, nipping at her lips, crushing them with a hunger that flared deep inside him and seemed to grow rapidly with no limit, no sign of slowing. Her tongue slipped out and touched him. The soft flickering pulled a groan from deep inside him and he opened his mouth, pushing himself into the warm wetness. Brushed velvet met his intrusion, a soft sucking urged his tongue to continue its assault. He lifted up onto one knee and urged her back on the bed. He supported her neck and back as if he cradled an infant, until she was lying against one of the pillows. He lifted his head and looked into her eyes, seeking her permission to move forward. The fire he saw burning there was all he needed. She wanted him. Her hands were moving over his chest as he held himself above her. They slipped around his shoulders and smoothed over his back. James used his knee to push her legs apart. Sliding between them he pressed his body to hers as he claimed her mouth again. As if by instinct she bent her knees and he settled into a position that brought the growing fire inside him into contact with her in a way that made her moan. The clothing that separated them didn’t stop the intimacy of the contact. James trailed his kiss away from her mouth to her neck. He kissed the soft skin behind her ear and scraped his teeth over the tight flesh. Moving down her neck he placed a gentle kiss at the hollow of her throat. He began to move against her, brushing his body against 130
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hers making her breath catch in her throat. His lips traced the skin at the opening of her shirt and back up to her mouth. She turned her head as he moved his lips back up to her face and a hand buried itself in his hair. Twisting her head, Leah placed a hungry kiss on his neck. Her tongue made him shiver with delight as it trailed up to his ear. It flicked at his lobe as if tasting his flesh before devouring him. The probing wetness moved over the curve of his ear and fluttered softly at the crevices. James let his weight rest against her as he brought both hands up to catch her face. He turned it back to him so he could again plunder the mouth that felt so wonderful. Never had kissing anyone felt as good as this. Hell, there had been times when sex with Nina hadn’t felt as real, as good, or as deep as this felt. And they were both fully clothed. The wound the other woman had left inside him drained. She was nothing compared to the angel in his arms. She could never have been a tenth to him what Leah was. As the poison drained from him, he let the warmth of the light that shone in the green eyes that now looked up at him with such need, such affection, begin to heal him. Something inside him rejoiced, crying out that if Leah could love him, then just maybe he did deserve to be happy, he did deserve to be loved. If only because it would hurt her to see him hurt. James moved his hips, pushing hard against her. The movement caused her to close her eyes and tilt back her head. His lips again found her bare skin and his tongue licked it. He loved the taste of her skin, it was intoxicating. He laved the exposed neck as he moved over her, hands coming up to cup her curves. The clothing was becoming an intolerable barrier. He wanted to feel her skin against him, feel her beneath him. James wrapped one arm tightly around her and he sat up. She pushed up off the bed to stay in contact with him. She came to rest against him, her legs wrapped around him, her body pressed firmly to his as his legs curved to pull her in closer. Her hands were pulling hurriedly at his shirt and had it open and down over his shoulders, almost pinning his arms to his sides before he could lift her shirt over her head. His breathing came in staggered and broken gasps as she moved her hands over his bare chest. Her tongue traced his collarbone and her teeth excited the skin with tiny nibbles. The inferno she was stoking in him belied her inexperience. Either she had experimented more than she had indicated or she was a natural. He prayed it was the latter. He shouldn’t care if anyone had held her or touched her before him. He knew he wouldn’t have, it would have changed nothing of what he felt for her. But knowing that he was the first man to give her release, the first man to feel her hands caress him so intimately, caused a desperation, a need so intense that he felt himself tremble. He wanted to protect her, to claim her as his as if this were centuries ago and he were some caricature of the male of the species. He shrugged his arms free of his shirt and tugged the ends of her shirt over her head. The full white mounds of skin made his eyes close partially as he remembered how they felt in his hands and beneath his lips. Her hands left his chest and he watched her, his body reacting violently to the confidence and unashamed movements as she reached behind her and unfastened her bra. She slid each strap over her shoulders
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slowly, smiling at him. He lifted his hands to cup her face and kissed her gently. The hands slipped down to caress her neck and stroke her shoulders. Not until he pulled back from the kiss did she pull the garment from her body, revealing the fullness of herself to his hungry eyes. His hands slipped up and cupped her breasts. The abundance of her made his mouth water. He would feel the way her nipples teased his tongue. He would hear her cry for him. He slid his arm around her waist and held her as he pressed back her shoulders, lowered his head and lifted one breast to his mouth. His tongue traced a lazy circle, feeling the textures of her flesh. James drew a long stroke from the underside of her breast, over her nipple and up to her neck. He urged her onto her back. Rising up on his knees again he moved to take her in his mouth. His weight resting on his left hand, he used his right to stroke and tease one hardened peak as his mouth ravaged the other. He sucked at her, softly then with more force, he nipped at her, catching her between his teeth and biting down until he heard the soft cries of surprised pleasure. He kept his eyes on her face. Hers were closed and her head twisted from side to side on the pillow, tangling the brown hair. He shifted his weight and repeated his torment using his left hand now to tease the flesh left tender by his attentions. Gently he moved down over her stomach, kissing his way over the curves as he slid the fabric of her skirt down, pausing to kiss and nibble at the curve of her hip. He rose up to his knees again and pulled the panties from her, leaving her exposed to his gaze. “Sweet Leah,” he whispered as he let his eyes roam over her body. Her rapid breathing and the trembling of her body told him she needed him. “Leah, look at me.” She opened her eyes and fixed them on his. He moved to lie beside her, resting his weight on his elbow as he cupped her face in his hands. No, there was no mistaking this—what was moving through him, the feelings that rose up inside his heart and cried out for her. “Leah,” he spoke softly. “I love you. I do love you.” He saw the tear that slipped down her face and caught it with his tongue. The saltiness made him ache for her. “Tell me that was a tear of happiness, sweet girl,” he whispered into her ear. She simply nodded and kissed him. He reached up and trailed one hand from her neck, over her breasts, down over her stomach and lower until it stroked the soft triangle of hair that still waited for his exploration. “You’re beautiful, Leah,” he murmured softly against her lips. “No one could be more beautiful to me.” His fingers slipped over the soft flesh and pressed deep. He heard her gasp and felt her hips rise up to press against him. His tongue found her breasts again and he teased her in time to the rhythm of his fingers at the center of her pleasure. He moved his way down her body and lifted his lips from her flesh long enough to push her thighs farther apart. His hands slid under her hips and he brushed his beard against the inside of her thighs. She shuddered and he smiled. Then he tasted her. The cry that rose up was a startled gasp of surprise mixed with a moan of pleasure. He continued to caress her with his tongue until her cries became keening pleas. Then, pressing his long fingers in
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deeply, he pushed her over the edge and felt her body spasm, heard her cry out his name. He continued to stroke her, soothingly, urging her need to grow again. Her fingers were tangled in his black hair and he lifted his eyes to see hers, two glowing orbs of green fire, blazing back at him. James moved up her body. As soon as he was within reach she began to push at his pants. He caught her hands and sat back on his knees. She rose up to wrap her arms and legs around him, her mouth claiming his. The realization that she was tasting herself on his lips sent a tremor through his body and he crushed her to him. Never had a woman made him feel so free, so empowered, so much a man and yet so completely devoted to pleasing her. He felt something stir in his mind and he imagined for a moment he could feel her there. He could feel Leah, feel what she felt, inside him. His imagination or not, if she felt for him a fraction of the love that seemed to blast into his mind, he was the luckiest bastard alive. She broke the kiss and opened his pants. “James, let me please you.” He moaned as her hand slipped inside his waistband. “Leah,” he gasped as her fingers touched him. He lifted up and pushed the pants from his waist. Pressing her back onto the bed, he kicked them free. Her body waited for him as he stretched out over her. The feel of her flesh against his was so overpowering he almost claimed her immediately. Instead he tried to breathe deeply to force himself to slow this, to take his time. He stroked her face and kissed her. “Are you sure, love?” he whispered softly. “James, I’m sure. We’ve crossed almost every other line, why pull back now?” She nuzzled her face against his. “I don’t want to hurt you,” he admitted the one thing that had bothered him in all this. He didn’t want to hurt her and he inevitably would. There was no way around it. He wasn’t some boy in the backseat of a car too stupid to understand, too young and carried away to care. He was a man and he would hurt her. Leah smiled up at him. “You won’t hurt me, James.” Was she so naïve? “Leah,” he started. “James,” she said patiently, “it’s okay. You won’t hurt me, I’ve had to do my duty for genetic diversity too.” But that procedure wouldn’t rupture the barrier that he would when he entered her. When he hesitated, she stunned him by pushing him off her onto his back. She moved over him and straddled his hips. His eyes wide, he looked up at her. Hers were lit with her desire for him and her hands were moving over his body. Leaning over him, her hair forming a curtain around their faces, her breasts brushing his chest. “Do you want me to stop, James?” she whispered before she kissed him. “No,” he gasped as she broke the kiss and reached for him. Her fingers closed around him and moved up, caressing him, teasing him, making him burn for her. He wanted her, wanted her badly. She shifted over him and he felt her guide him inside her. She lowered herself in a single slow full motion that had him trapped fully in her embrace. He forced himself to look at her face when all he wanted to do was close his
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eyes and moan. She had her body arched over him, head thrown back and lips pressed together as a soft “Mmm,” pulled from her. Something about this was different. Being within her was different from anything he’d ever known. The tight, warm, moist caress was pushing him beyond anything he’d ever felt. He lifted his hands to her and showed her how to move over him, how to please him and herself. She quickly learned his rhythm and moved her fingers over the skin of his chest as she rocked her hips against him, sliding up his body, almost allowing him to escape before capturing his full length within her again. Slowly and easily she rode him until their need urged her to move faster and harder, his own hips thrusting up to meet her. He should have crested by now, his flesh screamed for it but he didn’t. The pleasure played itself out on his body, tormenting him as she moved over him. It was as if he couldn’t find release, as if it agonizingly eluded him, yet teased at him with promises of its pending arrival. He reached up to fill his hands with her and she cried out as he touched the hardened skin. She moved against him faster and his own pleasure escalated, something he had not thought possible. He was going mad. He was going to be driven mad from the joy of her. Just when he believed he could stand no more, that his heart would surely stop and his brain explode, they climaxed together. Her scream of pleasure pulled him along and he felt more than heard the hoarse cry that tore from his throat. His body shook and seemed to pulsate as if it had taken on her heartbeat and his entire being was throbbing in time to her. The experience seemed to last forever. He found he couldn’t move, couldn’t speak. All he could do was hold her as she lay against his chest. She too seemed to be beyond movement, she simply lay there, cuddled to him, shuddering now and then with a force that jolted him as it moved through their still joined bodies. He held her there in the dark, his mind and body demanding he give in to sleep but a terrified voice inside kept him fighting it. He’d never felt like that before. It was beyond what he had believed possible for the human body, let alone his own. How had such a thing happened? His mind filled with the memories of each time she seemed to know what he felt or thought before he spoke. It filled with the sensation that came each time he kissed her, really kissed her. The feeling that she seemed to be inside him, that he could feel her there. In the back of his mind was the ridiculous idea that she actually had been inside him and that the pleasure that had racked his body had been as much hers as his. And he hadn’t hurt her. She’d felt no pain. It was all impossible. As the drugged sleep of la petite mort finally claimed him, James lost his fear to the exhaustion. When he woke the next morning, curled up against her, he remembered only the pleasure of her, only the words of love that had been spoken, he did not remember his fear.
*****
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Life was good. Three weeks had passed since he had first told her he loved her, since she had spoken the same to him. Three weeks since he had made love to her for the first time. Three amazing weeks. Before he had been counting down the time, dreading the day they would face their life guides, the day he would lose her. Now he looked forward to it, eager to make this permanent. He was going to have to ask her soon. He was certain it was what she wanted too. He’d rarely been so certain of anything. But he should ask. He just had to find the right way, the right time. Their life was good. They had work and they had each other. Evenings found her curled up against him on the couch or working at her terminal. One of them cooked either real food or one of the prepackaged meals the Committee had taken to pushing. Seemed they were all going to doom humanity to extinction if they didn’t stop actually making their own meals with fresh food and start eating the prepared food that was prepackaged and frozen. It was no less edible than tofu or soy. He had taken her back to see Calla and Theo a couple of times now but he still avoided the pressure to play. Each weekend brought at least one “social event” as she called them, with either his friends or hers. He was going to make friends and play nice or else, she had playfully admonished him when he complained about a lunch with Kevin. There was no getting around it, the guy didn’t like him. He loped along from the trolley station toward their residence. It was Friday. Leah would already be home and she was just starting a three-week break between what he assumed were semesters though she called them Educational Units. He carried Charlie under his arm. Today had been his appointment for his regular check and since she had to work, he had volunteered to take him. Because of this, he also carried good news. During the check, Caroline had told him the pups Charlie had sired had been born and were healthy. They could both come around Monday or Tuesday to see them. “Call off your dogs, Leah, I mean it.” The man’s voice carried to James as soon as he rounded the corner of the passageway to his residence. Leah was standing in the open door with an angry expression on her face. Before her the tall man had both hands shoved into his pockets and James could tell they were balled into fists. He set Charlie down and approached slowly. He saw the relief fill her eyes when she saw him. “Everything okay, darlin’?” “No everything isn’t okay, darlin’,” Jason lashed out. “Just which nasty little trick are you responsible for? Most of these have Kevin’s prints all over them, not that I’ll ever prove it but I know he had help on some of them.” “Let’s get a few things clear right off,” James kept his voice calm, though it was the farthest thing from what he felt. “Number one, I wasn’t talking to you. Number two, don’t get pissy with me, I just got here. And number three, if you ever raise your voice to her again you’ll be picking your teeth up across the corridor.” James stepped between the man and Leah. “Honey, take Charlie and go back inside.”
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The look on her face clearly said she wanted to argue, that she could take care of herself, that she didn’t need him to rescue her. His back to the man, he smiled at her and mouthed, “Please.” Leah gave him a look that meant they’d be discussing his little show of “manly behavior” before she bent down, scooped up the dog and closed the door. James turned back to the man whose face was now bright red and who was clearly ready to burst. For a moment he considered getting his stethoscope and sphygmomanometer, the man’s blood pressure had to be astronomical. He’d really hate to have to render aid to the asshole if he stroked out on him. “I know it’s nerd boy who keeps resetting my locks. I know he’s the one who misdirected my last credits transfer and put a hold on my account. I’m pretty sure that Guido is the reason my residence is ten degrees too hot and no one will show up to fix it. You work at HSC, let me guess, you’re the one that had my physical results get lost so I had to do it over again. Or are you the one who misrecorded my health results and has me going to Fitness Training classes and two extra fitness sessions a week?” James bit the inside of his cheek to stop the smile. Damn, those guys didn’t play around. He hadn’t thought Kevin was really serious. The last two sounded like Dr. Bryan and maybe Paul. But no way Leah knew about this. “Either you don’t know Leah at all or you’ve gone stupid. You know she’d never be a part of something like you’re suggesting.” “No but The Lost Boys would. Tinkerbelle in there might not lead them but they fly with her fairy dust.” The dark blue eyes swept over him. “And I can see she’s got the next one all lined up to join her merry little band.” “You have to be the world’s biggest fool.” James shook his head and turned away. A part of him was truly sad for this man. A part of him hoped Kevin did get him reassigned to waste management. “I suggest you take this up with whoever it is you think is causing you problems.” “I warned you,” Jason said quietly. James turned. From the look in his eyes it was clear the man was no longer angry. Instead he seemed sad and tired. “I warned you, just remember that.” “Is that a threat?” James’ eyes narrowed. “No.” The light brown head shook once. “It’s an offer. I’m guessing you won’t go quietly like they did. You actually care for her.” James turned away from him and opened the door. “Look, when it happened to me, I was alone in the world. You don’t have to be. I’m offering you friendship.” “I’d suggest you mind your own business and get out of here,” James tossed over his shoulder and stepped inside, closing the door behind him. Leah was sitting on the couch and he crossed quickly to her. “Are you okay?” he asked sitting on the table across from her and holding her hands in his. “I’m fine, James,” she rolled her eyes.
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“I know, I know, you don’t need the he-man rushing to save you from the villain. I’m well aware you could probably kick both our arses. But it’s my job, okay? It makes me feel needed.” He was smiling at her wickedly. She laughed and wrapped her arms around his neck. “You are needed and not to play Dudley Do-Right, sir.” James grinned. “I was going more for a James Bond or Sir Lancelot kinna thing…” Her laugh rang out like a bell. “Of course. Mounties, internationally renowned spies, medieval knights, any of those has a great deal of potential.” He crawled onto the couch after her and she backed away from him until she was lying flat with him kneeling over her, a broad smile on her face. He lowered his head and hovered just above her lips. “I’m afraid me armor’s at the smith’s, m’lady but I do still have me sword.” His exaggerated brogue made her giggle before he covered her lips with his and her laugh turned to a soft moan. She never seemed to mind his weight pressing down on her. Not that he was able to move but she never fidgeted or tried to wriggle out from underneath him. Of course she didn’t have much room to fidget on the sofa. He tried to at least shift so he lay beside her, pressed to the back. She turned on her side and he wrapped his arms around her, holding her close. His knee slipped between hers and she hooked her leg around his instinctively. Her face was peaceful, sleeping sweetly as she lay on his arm. He pushed the damp hair from her face and nestled down close to her, her breath warming the skin of his neck. He pushed back at the sleep that gnawed at him. He could never stay awake after making love to her. The act was so intense it drained them both and he was often asleep before he could even move off her or feel her crawl up and curl into his arms. But sometimes he pushed back at it, trying to capture the thoughts that flickered in his head, thoughts that wouldn’t survive the slumber. He struggled to make sense of it. Together. They always climaxed together when their bodies were joined. The thought had occurred to him as he had moved over her. Something about this was odd, not quite right. It could happen and yes it was wonderful when everything clicked into place at once, but as a rule it didn’t happen this way and certainly not every time. He looked at her face and tried to see something about her he was missing. She was just Leah. But when he made love to her, when he was inside her body it was as if she were more. He couldn’t shake the sensation that she was part of him, that she was connected to him. It sounded foolish, insane even but it was there. At least it was, until he slept.
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Chapter Nineteen “Don’t raise your voice at me,” Leah’s green eyes sparkled dangerously. She understood he was angry, hell she understood she was in the wrong, but he didn’t have to yell. James’ jaw tightened angrily. “Okay, I’m not yelling.” “But you were,” she insisted. “Don’t ever yell at me James.” “I can’t make that promise but I’m not yelling now.” He ran his hand through his hair, pushing it back off his forehead. As they had since she’d first seen it the day they had shared the shower for the first time, her eyes went to the thin small scar that was normally covered by his hair and ran just below his hairline cutting across his left brow. She felt a pang of regret. It disturbed her to think of him hurt and nearly dying on that road. The scar on his leg where the compound fracture had broken through the skin made her stop as she touched him to press her lips to its roughened edges, feeling the echoes of his pain. The reminder took some of the fire out of her and she felt herself calming down. James’ lips were pressed tight. “Leah, all I’m saying is that you need to ask me, you can’t just make arrangements like this and expect me to fall in line.” “If I ask, you find excuses not to go. It’s good for you James, they’re your friends— they’re our friends. Shay and I thought this would be fun.” She didn’t see why it was such a big deal that she and the other woman had arranged a gathering of the mutual friends. Shay and Rebecca were already acquainted. “You and Shay are always thinking something is a good idea,” James snorted. “Suddenly you don’t want me to be friends with Shay?” “I don’t care if you’re friends with Shay but I’d appreciate it if you remembered you’re supposed to be my partner first,” he shot out. “Robert may let Shay…” He stopped, his amber eyes widened and she didn’t need the voice in her head to hear the “Oh shit,” that formed in his mind as soon as the words left his mouth. “Robert may let Shay what, James?” James remained silent, his eyes wary. “Robert may let Shay wear the pants but you’ll be damned if some woman is going to control you?” Her hands were clenched into fists so tight her nails cut into her palms. God he was infuriating. He could be wonderful, sweet, tender and amazingly giving one minute, then the next thing she knew this caveman emerged and he was damned impossible. “That’s not what I said.” He lifted his chin and rubbed his hand over his face. She could feel his anger mix with his anxiety. “But it’s what you meant,” she insisted. 138
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“That’s right Leah.” His voice was suddenly thick. It was tired and weary. “You know what I meant, you know what I feel, you know what I think before I even think it. But sometimes I’d like the chance to mean it, feel it and think it before you tell me I do. Sometimes I’d like the chance to say no.” He turned and walked away, pausing at the door. “And just for the record I’d have said yes. If you had bothered to ask, I’d have said yes.” She stood in the kitchen a minute and fumed. He was right but damn it why did he have to handle it this way? Why couldn’t he just sit down and calmly tell her it bothered him? No, he had to get snitty about it and then when she snipped back he raised his voice. A small chime sounded from the ID band on her wrist. She’d almost forgotten in the argument. She was scheduled to be at the fitness center now and this was the second time this week she’d been late. Her middle of the day assigned times had never bothered her before as she scheduled them on her work days and simply slipped over during her break for planning, completed the required routine, showered and returned to school. She’d actually looked forward to that time of the day and had begun to think of herself as lucky. The school was close to her assigned fitness center and the break was cathartic some days and stimulating on others. She walked into the living room. James was nowhere to be seen, neither was Charlie. She poked her head around the doorway and saw the bedroom door closed. Sighing she lifted her bag from the chair she had put it in just a few minutes before planning to grab a bottle of water, give James a quick kiss, tell him about Saturday night and dash off. Funny how sometimes simple things didn’t go the way you wanted them to. She shouldered the bag and headed out the door. She was already late so she might as well do the walking program to make up the time. Slipping the long strap over her neck, she shifted it so the bag hung off her back. She stepped up to one of the corridor’s scanners. The device had several functions. The main scanning unit watched for unusual activity in the area and could trigger a security patrol. The smaller scanner was part of the Health Services network. It could act as an emergency call station or as a tracking system for those who preferred not to walk the gym’s track or treadmills. She scanned her ID band and the small LCD display lit up displaying a start time. She started walking down the corridor at a rate faster than her usual pace. As she passed every third scanning station she passed her wrist quickly under the smaller scanner and watched as the display on her ID band gave her the speed, distance walked and heart rate. If she slowed down between stations and her heart rate slipped, the message to walk faster would appear. If she went too fast and her heart rate rose above a target zone, the display would warn her to slow down. It had taken her twenty minutes to walk from the residence to the fitness center. As she scanned her wrist band, the display on the wall indicated the adjustment to the time she would have to spend in the center. She had walked twenty minutes, so the display indicated she should proceed directly to the toning station. She waved at Jena who was on her knees, panel off one of the leg machines, trying to fix some problem. She rotated from center to center and was not in fact the repair person for the machinery but
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actually in charge of monitoring and overseeing compliance with assigned routines for a few dozen clients. Leah was one of them. Jena waved back. “You’re late.” “Walked over,” Leah called back and set her bag and down next to the machine that would ostensibly help her tone her arms. So far she couldn’t see where any of this had done anything for her. She took a drink from her water bottle and then sat down on the seat. A scan of her ID band set the resistance and displayed the number of repetitions she was to complete. As she worked through the reps, she tried to push James out of her thoughts. She felt guilty for what she had done. He was right to be angry with her. She shouldn’t have just made plans and then told him about them. He was getting better about socializing with Robert, Shay, Hailey and Aaron but her friends still made him nervous. Asking him to host them all at 20-20 was probably a bit much. She winced. Okay, she hadn’t asked him. She had just arranged it with Shay and Rebecca. And she shouldn’t have made the comment about him being lonely. The memory brought a second wince. She’d meant it much differently than he took it. “James, you have friends,” she’d tried to say it softly. “There is no need for you to be alone.” His face had gone stone-cold and the anger in his eyes seared her. “I wasn’t aware I was alone. I thought I’d never be alone again now that I’d found you but I guess maybe I was wrong.” It had gone downhill from there. If only he hadn’t ended up yelling at her. She didn’t have much of a temper but she hated to be yelled at. It had been the only thing that could make her dig her heels in and refuse to budge. Her father had been the same way. If her mother yelled he ignored her but if she spoke in a reasonable tone, he was as accommodating as a human could be. Once after a standoff with her mother, her father had confided it had taken several years of marriage for his wife to learn that she could rant and rave, criticize and complain, even be nasty but yelling got her nowhere. Her mother didn’t always remember and Leah had seen more than one occasion when her father had simply stood up, told his wife when she was done yelling he’d be glad to hear a litany of his faults and he’d probably have a few to add but for now the conversation was over. “You know when the red light comes on you’re supposed to pay attention.” Jena’s voice broke Leah’s train of thought. She smiled. “Sorry.” Looking up she saw the flashing warning telling her to slow down. “What’s got you worked up today?” Jena asked, her eyebrows pressing down over her eyes in concern. “Don’t tell me there’s trouble in paradise, or at least we assume it’s paradise since you ditched us the last two weeks.” Leah grimaced. She was balancing time between the two circles of friends as well as trying to make sure James and she got the alone time he seemed to need so desperately. “Just your typical spat.” She shrugged. “Everyone has them.” Jena nodded. “Yes, they do. Carrot-top and I don’t seem to be able to find a civil word for each other,” she complained.
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“Perhaps if you stopped calling him that, you’d get along better,” Leah scolded. “I don’t call him that to his face.” Jena’s look turned sheepish, “Okay, I did once but not usually.” “So this one’s not a keeper, eh?” Leah stood up and following the directions on the machine’s display moved to the machine that promised to sculpt her inner thighs. Jena followed. “Hardly.” The blonde watched her carefully. “I assume the same cannot be said for Mr. Wonderful?” Leah blushed. She began the reps and looked up at Jena. “No, James is definitely a keeper.” “So you’ve decided to make this permanent? Or are you just looking at an extension?” Jena put her hand on Leah’s leg. “Slow down, if you go too fast it defeats the purpose of the resistance.” Leah opened her mouth to answer but realized she didn’t know the answer. She knew she wasn’t looking at another rejection with James. He loved her. She loved him. But she honestly didn’t know how he felt about making the situation permanent. “No answer isn’t a good answer,” Jena frowned. “It’s not that. I guess we both assumed the other knew what our thoughts were. I’ve never actually brought it up and neither has he.” Leah pushed her damp hair off her forehead. “Leah,” Jena’s frown had progressed to a scowl, “you have a week left before you meet with the life guides. Don’t you think you should have discussed this by now?” “Yeah, I seem to be making a lot of assumptions lately,” she answered her friend. She had assumed they would ask for permanent assignment. She assumed James wanted that too. Assuming had gotten her in trouble in the past and not just this fight with James. She’d done a lot of assuming with Jason. A lot. Jena was called away before she could say anything else beyond a promise to meet up with them Saturday night. As she finished the exercise routine, Leah found herself growing more and more anxious about what would happen one week from now when she sat in Karen’s office. No, she shook herself as she slipped out of her clothes and into a towel in the locker room, James is not Jason, he will not do that. James loved her, she was as certain of that as she was of her own feelings for him. He wasn’t always happy with her, like at this moment but he loved her. She showered and dressed quickly. The trolley ride home felt longer than the walk that had gotten her to the fitness center in the first place. When she slipped inside the residence door she noticed first the absence of scampering feet to greet her. James must still be holed up in the bedroom. Perhaps he had lain down and drifted off. Then she heard it. Music. It wasn’t coming from the sound system, it was too soft for that and not James’ usual “I’m pissed off” type of music. It was the sound of a single instrument. Leah walked quietly to the hall and stopped.
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James was sitting on the edge of the bed, holding a guitar. His face was tipped down, the black hair falling across his forehead. He moved his fingers over the frets that lined the neck of the guitar while he stroked the strings, pulling forth sounds that wove a beautiful melody. It sounded vaguely familiar but she wasn’t quite sure. His hands moved so skillfully, so gracefully. Music had come easy to her as a child and was part of her life. She could play the instrument he held but she could not command from it the beauty that resounded from his touch. It was as if the guitar was part of him, as if it was a cherished friend who sang only for him. She’d not heard him play in the nearly three months she’d been here. How could he have set aside something that moved through him as if the muse herself danced upon the strings at his direction? The thought that he must have been playing when she was not at home, that he had concealed it from her dropped into her mind like a stone into a pond. He didn’t want her to hear him play. It hurt to think he would hide this from her but it was his to hide. She started to back away when his voice stopped her. “Come sit with me.” He lifted his eyes for a moment, his fingers continuing to tease sound from the instrument. He’d not heard the door to the residence open but he felt her as soon as she stepped into the hall. Not to mention that Charlie’s tail had begun to pound out its own rhythm on the pillow where he lay curled. She moved into the room and he paused his playing to turn sideways on the bed so he could face her, one foot on the floor and the guitar resting on his bent leg. She sat down opposite him. She curled up with her legs tucked under her and watched him intently. She was anxious, he could tell. He resumed his playing and thought carefully about what he was going to do. He was still angry. He was still damned angry. Her high-handedness had messed up his plans for tomorrow night. He’d spent the last couple of hours vacillating between being completely pissed off and trying to figure out how to salvage what he had wanted to have happen. “Can I say I’m sorry?” she whispered. His fingers stilled and he looked up at her. Her eyes were deeply troubled and his heart ached at the look they held. “I’m sorry I yelled,” he admitted. “I can’t promise I won’t do it again. It’s what I do when I’m angry. But I know it upsets you and I’ll try to remember that.” He wasn’t sure why but her face looked even sadder than it had. “You know, it’s already hard to apologize for acting so badly and then you have to go and be so sweet and apologize first.” She shook her head. “I’m sorry James. I should have asked. It was wrong of me to make plans without consulting you. You were right to be angry.” He’d been right to be angry? That was a first. He couldn’t ever remember being told he was right to be angry. He was usually being told he was being selfish and demanding. He felt the residual irritation drain away. “It’s okay, Leah. It’s not okay that
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you did it but it’s okay. I’m sorry for, what is the expression you use?” He gave her a shy grin. “Going all alpha male on you.” Her smile answered him as she leaned forward and kissed him softly. He returned the kiss and felt the wave of relief sweep over him. It was going to be okay. Not that he had seriously thought the argument was going to derail what was between them but it had worried him more than he was willing to admit. She had gotten frustrated with him before, rolled her eyes and jerked her chin at him. He’d snorted, huffed and thrown up his hands and walked away. But he’d never yelled at her and she’d never stood there, ramrod straight, eyes so furious it looked as if a storm was about to break. They’d had their first real fight and it was over. It was over now and he hadn’t had to pretend to be sorry for something he didn’t feel sorry for. “I’d like to hear you play some more, James.” Her soft request fluttered against his lips as she settled back to watch him. This wasn’t exactly how he had wanted to do this but he’d been putting it off, never seeming to find the right time. Just when he’d figured out the perfect way, she’d stolen his thunder by making plans. Of course he could have told her to keep the evening free but he had wanted to surprise her. By now his anger had been replaced by disappointment. “Any requests?” he started to pick out notes, tipping his head back down to watch his hands. “I’m afraid I’ve never been a top forty kind of guy. I grew up on this weird combination of punk, my choice, and oldies, my parents’ choice. I did learn a bit of classical technique for Sarah but I’m afraid this is the wrong kind of guitar and the wrong kind of strings for that.” An image of Sarah, bent over the old piano guiding their daughter’s hands stilled his fingers. “Sarah liked classical music or just classical guitar?” Leah’s voice made the image waver and he tried to focus on her. He didn’t think he’d ever escape the feeling of longing that plagued him. If Sarah had lived so much would have been different. Leah wouldn’t be here and he hated that thought but his children would be—his family would be. James shook himself, he wouldn’t play this tug-of-war. There was no right answer. He’d give anything, even Leah, to bring his children back. But that wasn’t possible and the idea of living in this world without her was more than he wanted to contemplate. He’d only been able to try to bring the pieces of his life together because of her. The photographs of his children now sat in silver frames on his dresser next to the one of him with Leah taken by Robert on one of their trips to the Nature Recreation Center. Leah sat in front of him, his arms around her. She was looking down and smiling that smile, the shy-little-girl-smile where she bit her lip as if trying to stop herself. It was the one he couldn’t resist, that would make him smile no matter how he felt inside. Even the family portrait, which included Sarah and him had been pulled out the box and now sat on a shelf in the main room next to her family in the new frame he’d gotten to replace the one he’d broken. “Sarah liked classical anything,” he smiled softly and looked up at her. “Didn’t I tell you?” They had talked so much over the weeks. He’d told her about Katie, how she was 143
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so serious and yet so much his little angel. He’d told her about David. How he’d been full of mischief and had run his parents ragged. David had had his temper and having him for a son had taught James a great deal about patience, much to the amusement of his own mother who often chuckled that James was getting as good as he had given. Even the guitar he now held was a reminder of his children, bearing the mark of the day David had gotten a hold of both a permanent marker and his father’s guitar. The red scribble on the back was later translated as “I love you Daddy, from David,” and the words had saved the boy from the only spanking of his young life. “Sarah and I met in school. I learned to play guitar to impress her. I used to follow her home from her music lessons making fun of her. One day when I was about thirteen my dad explained that this was probably a bad idea unless I wanted the girl to hate me forever. I kept following her home, I just stopped calling her names.” Leah laughed and his own smile widened in response. “She studied music at University and could have played professionally. She was one of the finest violinists I’d ever heard.” “Did she?” Leah asked. “Play professionally?” “No,” James shook his head and felt the old sense of guilt grip him. That had been his fault too. “Why?” “Katie,” he answered simply. “I see.” Leah nodded. James looked up at her, suddenly afraid she would judge Sarah. As soon as he saw the soft look in her eyes he realized that it had been a stupid thought. “So much for the rhythm method,” he said shruggeing “Sarah took her faith seriously and any birth control was out of the question. We intended to get married when she finished school so I guess we both rationalized it to ourselves. One night we shouldn’t have but I was sure one time wouldn’t be that big a deal and nine months later they laid a screaming red faced little girl in my arms. They should have kicked me out of the nursing program on that alone.” “She didn’t give up music, surely.” “No.” He shook his head. “She kept playing. She was fair at the piano and gave lessons to help things out. She taught the kids to play.” “And what dream did you defer for your family?” Leah’s eyes watched him closely. “Nothing. It was an impossibility anyway. I’d never have made the marks and it would have been too expensive.” James tried to return his attention to the instrument in his hands. This was not how he wanted this to go. He did not want to be discussing Sarah right now. “You wanted to study medicine didn’t you?” she whispered softly. He looked at her and nodded. “Yeah, I did. I thought I’d specialize in pediatrics or obstetrics.” He had to stop and smile at the thought. The two areas he hated to work in
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now had once been his idea of a perfect job. “When Sarah got pregnant we decided I’d switch to nursing. She left school and worked until Katie came. Luckily it was our last year and I was able to get a job and finish nursing school. I don’t think she and I saw each other that first year after the baby.” He grinned. “Probably a good thing considering the threats she made to my manhood during labor and delivery.” Leah’s laugh pushed away the shadow of sadness that had begun to creep over him. He changed the subject. “So, what about you? Where did you learn to sing?” Leah’s face softened and she looked away over his shoulder, her eyes glazing slightly. “My dad. Music came easily to him and I guess I got most of my genes from him. He and a bunch of the older guys from the town used to gather at this place called The Shed. It really was just someone’s old tool shed that had been cleaned up and filled with folding chairs. They’d pull out their guitars, fiddles, banjos and the like. One of the ladies even played the dulcimer on occasion. I grew up on bluegrass, country music and gospel. I didn’t discover rock and roll until much later. Dad would trot me out from a fairly young age to belt out something. The first thing I remember singing was some strange little song about being little but loud.” She shrugged. “I don’t really remember it. I just remember standing there next to his knee, singing while he played.” James gave an exaggerated cringe. “My music must drive you mad.” She chuckled silently. “No. You forget my brother Jacob. Anything that would drive my parents crazy, he did it. Pierced his ear, tattoos, long hair, motorcycle, electric guitar and heavy metal. It made my mother nuts. Dad would just shake his head and laugh.” They both grew quiet and James began to play a few soft melodies, switching songs halfway through like some crazed sort of medley. He couldn’t say that this felt like exactly the right time but then he didn’t have much time left. He’d been dithering over the details. Leah hadn’t brought up the subject of the future, almost as if she was waiting for him. She would be waiting for me, he thought. After what had happened before, she must be waiting for him. Oh hell, he groaned inwardly, just do it. Making the decision he again changed songs. It had been a while since he’d played this one. It had been a favorite of his parents’, one they played over and over. He’d started messing about with it a week ago, adding it to the list of songs he was considering for what he planned. He hadn’t sung for her, hadn’t even played for her. At first he didn’t play because it hurt too much to hold the guitar, to see the tiny scribble, to let loose all those memories. Even when he had played for Calla he’d only played the cheap spare he’d bought in the later days of the Before Time because he couldn’t face this instrument. Lately he hadn’t played because he had been saving it for the right moment, one he’d expected to come tomorrow. The song he was now playing was written for the piano originally and it took his concentration to translate that into the technically difficult melody he created on the strings. As he concentrated on the music he found the tension in his shoulders releasing, his nervousness moving away from him. James worked through the 145
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introduction and an entire verse instrumentally. He looked up at her. “Do you recognize this?” “I’m not sure.” Her brow furrowed as she listened to him play. “What is it?” He smiled, started over and added the words. His voice sounded rusty, thick to his own ears. He cringed as he thought of how it must sound to her. As he focused and moved through the song, the feeling of inhibition eased away. Pieces of lyric stuck in his head and pulled images of her as the words of a man in love with a woman danced among the notes. The woman had brought the man healing. James knew without a doubt he’d still be broken if it wasn’t for her. He’d still be the raw terrified animal he’d been, lashing out and hiding away, licking wounds that never healed. In the woman, the man found the strength to keep going, to move ahead even when he didn’t think he could. Leah had become an incredible source of strength to him. One look in those eyes and he felt he could do anything. The man realized he couldn’t live without this woman. James knew he was wrapped up in her and needed her. It should have scared the hell out of him. He should have been so terrified of needing someone so much that he pushed her away. But he couldn’t. He didn’t want to. Her gentle smile and her kiss made him put the fear behind him and reach out in a way he never would have believed that he could have done three months ago. When he reached the end, he finally looked up at her. The silent roar that moved through his body in response to the tears he saw on her cheeks made him shake with determination. That damned alpha male in him pushed at its bonds demanding to be let loose. Keeping his eyes locked on hers he slipped the guitar strap over his head and shifting his weight to the foot on the floor, reached behind him and rested it against the night stand. Coming down on his knee he leaned to her and kissed her tear damp face. He slipped his arms around her and drew her to him almost harshly, pulling her up on to her knees. Before he met her lips he looked into her eyes. He did not ask but stated firmly, “Leah, you are going to stay with me.” She put her hands up against his chest. He saw the faint smile that curved her lips. “Am I?” He knew she was teasing but did not smile in return. “You are going to stay with me, forever, m’love. You’re going to marry me.” She slid her hands up around his neck and tangled her fingers in his hair. “Yes, I am.” He sought her lips then, kissing her hard and deeply. He turned with her and pressed her down on the bed, stretching out over her. She moaned softly against his lips and opened her mouth to him. When he lifted up to look in her eyes, his breathing was ragged. He stared at the green depths beneath him for a long moment. “I’m being a caveman again aren’t I?”
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“You are definitely in alpha mode at the moment, yes,” she said softly, one hand lifting up stroke his cheek. He grinned sheepishly at her remembering the argument from earlier. “If I’d asked, you might have said no.” She laughed at this and ran her hand down his neck. The sensation sent a shiver through him. “So you decided to just take charge and decide for both of us?” His face lost its smile. “Leah, if you don’t want…” She cut him off by placing her hand against his lips and shh’ing him. “Sometimes, James when you do the ‘big man in control of the little woman thing’ it drives me crazy.” She trailed her hand down his arm and slipped her hand under his, where he supported his weight on both hands to either side of her head. She pushed her hand in further until his palm pressed down on her wrist. “But you know, there are times,” she lifted her other hand and pushed it beneath his. Without thinking he closed his fingers around her wrists. He looked down into the emerald eyes shining up at him, her hands now pressed firmly to the mattress, her body pinned beneath his weight. She smiled at him and finished her thought, “There are times when the idea of you taking control is very appealing.” His body reacted almost violently to her words. He heard himself actually growl in pleasure and fought for control as he looked down at her. Her smile turned wicked, challenging. “The question is, James, can you?” She wiggled beneath him in feigned attempt to break his hold. “Can you control me? Are you strong enough?” His heart was pounding in his chest. He was torn between disbelief that she was playing this game with him and a desire to let go and show her how strong he was. “Are you sure you really want to know?” his voice rasped out of his throat. Her smile faded and she whispered softly, “Sometimes it’s okay to let go of your self-control, James. And sometimes it’s okay to assert it.” She pressed up against him. “If you want me, make me yours, James. Claim me as yours.” His control snapped and he did just that. He claimed her, the darkest of his passions pouring out of him and washing over her. And she was there again, deep inside him. And he wanted her there. He wanted her where he could claim a piece of her as his forever, inside him where he could hold her and never let her go.
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Chapter Twenty He turned off the alarm and snuggled back down into the blankets. He was curled up against Leah. He had his knee tucked between hers. He was warm and comfortable. He’d been dreaming about her. He was going back to sleep. “James, you have to get up, that’s the second time you’ve hit the snooze alarm and you’re going to be late.” She stroked his arm where it lay across her waist. Or not. “Since when are you the Queen of Punctuality?” he muttered irritably. Mondays should have been banned by the Committee. It would have done wonders for morale. “Sounds like someone is in danger of getting up on the wrong side of the bed,” she teased. She liked mornings. It was unnatural. “Darlin’ as long as I have to crawl over you to get out, it’s the right side of the bed.” He pressed his face to her neck. He felt as well as heard her chuckle as he kissed the soft skin. Five more days. Five more days ’til they could make it official. His mind drifted sleepily through scenes of the past three months, scenes of laughter, scenes of quiet companionship and scenes of simple domesticity. There were other less pleasant times but his mind wouldn’t stay focused on those. “I’ll make you a deal.” She turned in his arms and pressed a kiss to his chin, wrinkling her face as the hairs tickled her. He dropped his head and nuzzled his nose against hers. “What kind of deal?” He could think of a deal or two he’d like to make right now. “Not that kind.” She wiggled back from him and he let her go. He did have to get up. It was so much harder this past week with her off. She still got up with him in the mornings but wasn’t rushing about trying to get herself pulled together enough to leave. Going to work had never been so hard. “What kind of deal?” he rolled over onto his back and looked up at the ceiling. For some reason he couldn’t fathom, the room looked less cave-like than it always had to him. It seemed brighter. The light panels in the walls that simulated the light from a window were no brighter than they had ever been. Okay, they now had simulated curtains hung over them and there were splashes of color on the dresser and nightstand that hadn’t been there before. But there was one reason things were brighter and she was currently lying on his shoulder, her hand stroking across his chest while he played with her soft brown hair. “Let’s both get up and get going. I need to spend some time at the Education Center today, then I’ll meet you for lunch.” She looked up at him expectantly.
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“Sounds good,” he smiled down at her. She’d met him a couple of times now and it had made the day go quickly. Several minutes later, James pushed his wet hair back as he poured a cup of coffee. Leah was standing on her tiptoes trying to reach a high shelf to put away a bowl she’d taken from the dishwasher. “I meant to ask earlier.” He took it from her hand and slid the dish into place. As he brought his hand down he stroked her hair and rested it on her back for a moment. “Why are you going to the Education Center? Isn’t this a break?” She smiled at him as she continued to unload the dishwasher. “Some things don’t change. Breaks mean breaks for the students. I have a good deal of planning to get done for the next Unit and a classroom to get ready.” He shook his head. He was starting to feel a bit guilty for the grousing he had done so long ago about his own children’s teachers. Complaining when they took too long to return a phone call, complaining when he had to find a sitter or forgo sleep to watch them himself on a day off. “My dear, living with you has certainly been an education,” he bent down and kissed her forehead. “I could say the same thing,” she grinned up at him. “I do believe you’ve taught me quite a bit.” James felt his smile broaden until it beamed widely across his face. “You know, I never thought about a career in teaching but a subject like that with students like you, I could see where this could be fun.” She turned and put her hands on her hips giving him a mock glare. “Very funny. I better be your only student, Mr. Edwards.” He slipped one arm around her waist and kissed her lightly. “You are all I can handle Ms. Bradley.” He kissed her again then looked at her thoughtfully for a moment while still holding her against him. “Do you have a nameplate on your door?” She shook her head. “No, I actually have a laminated sign some of my students made for me a long time ago. It hung outside my classroom during the Before Time.” He nodded, “Well, you’d better start planning a replacement my soon-to-be Mrs. Edwards.” The sound of that name as it rolled off his lips sent a bolt of joy racing through him. He watched the green eyes mist up and her lower lip trembled as she smiled up at him. He sat the coffee cup on the counter and tangled his fingers in her hair. Urging her head back he kissed her again, deeper this time. God he loved her. And even better, she loved him. There wasn’t a piece of him that doubted it. Not anywhere in him could he find even the tiniest voice that questioned her love for him. This was a new experience. Even with Sarah, he sometimes wondered if she regretted the marriage. He had loved her and she had loved him but he worried sometimes if she wished she had told him no and went it on her own. Hell, single parents were practically the norm. And Nina he wouldn’t even think about. But Leah left him with no doubts. And it was a wonderful feeling.
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She pressed her palms to his chest and he responded by lifting his head. “This is an ungodly hour and I fully understand now why you refuse to rise before ten on weekends.” “I know,” he sighed. “But I’m going to be late if I don’t get going.” She rose up on her tiptoes and placed a kiss on his cheek. “I’ll see you at lunch,” she promised and she herded him out the door. By Thursday, the week was winding down quickly. The morning was going slowly. There were thirty-five patients in the ward but only two were still in the recovery unit. This was the one thing that was so different about his job in this world. Surgeries were seldom emergencies or traumas. This was why staff from this ward were the ones most often pulled to other areas. It had been a rude awakening for him at first. Surgical nurses were worth their weight in gold if they were good and James was good. His life before had been filled with moving from one operating theatre to the next with the handful of surgeons who had enough clout to command his presence. And James was honest enough with himself that the status was a bit of a soothing balm on the occasional wounds to his ego that came with the reactions of others to his job. When he told them he was a surgical nurse, the attitudes would change dramatically. Here he spent the morning doing pre-ops, then a few hours of surgery and by noon he was usually clearing the last of his patients through anesthesiology and sending them out to the main ward. A couple hours breaking for the nurses on the main ward whose day started and ended two hours later than his, then back to the solitude of routine paperwork, inventory and checks on equipment until the end of his shift. This activity was what had brought him into the path of Robert, Tim and Aaron. He and Robert met when he hand-delivered a printed copy of a supply list that had been rejected twice. Robert had intercepted what probably would have been a bad career move as James intended to demonstrate the need for a reserve supply of items like gloves by inserting said supply list where a proctologist would require gloves to remove it. Robert had talked him down and explained that if James sent him the lists first, he’d make sure that he got what he wanted. “Man, I’d want a nurse with that kind of passion and dedication working on me,” Robert had chuckled. “I’ll bet you’re the kind that takes worsening conditions or losses personally.” Robert’s insight had both intrigued James and made him leery. Tim he’d met during a “cross-training” day when he’d been assigned to trauma. Aaron had shown up on his radar when he’d come to repair broken equipment. He’d not had a patient die on him in almost two years. The father of Leah’s student had been the last time he had had to close anyone’s eyes. That part he loved, he got to watch them walk out. In any rational moment he’d trade the lack of nervous excitement for the calm assurance of recovering patients. But today was as boring as it got. He’d just finished his last vitals check and was waiting for Marla to relieve him for his break. He’d asked her to wait until he called. She’d given him a knowing smile. “You bet. It’s nice to see you actually smile once in a while, James.” 150
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He’d expected his data reader to vibrate any moment so when it did he lazily pulled it out and prepared to read the announcement of her arrival. Only the message wasn’t from Leah. Message Tim Winters, accept? Frowning he pressed the screen to accept the message. Tim usually just came up on his break when he wanted to talk to him. Don’t freak out. Leah’s in trauma 8. Minor injury. James pressed the intercom to Marla’s office. She didn’t answer and he jumped up to hunt for her, meeting her coming through the door. He nearly ran her down in his haste. “I’m here,” she said before noticing his expression. “James?” “Leah’s in trauma,” was all he got out before he pushed past her and down the corridor. The staff lift was agonizingly slow, so he bypassed it and slammed through the door to the stairs. Had he been thinking clearly he’d have known this wasn’t the brightest of options as the trauma ward was a good six floors below him. Trauma was really a misnomer. There were the usual household accidents but workplace injuries, not automobile accidents, were the primary source of patients for Sanctuary’s trauma unit. The double hinged doors swung open and shut, vibrating on their hinges as he jogged down the hallway to the nurses’ station. He saw Tim standing at a terminal downloading information from his handheld unit. His green scrubs looked like usual hospital fare but like the blue ones James wore, they were made of the same synthetic material that most of Sanctuary’s clothes were made from. It was lightweight and because of the durability it could be subjected to harsh chemical decontamination and sterilization. The movement as James rounded the desk caught Tim’s eye and his brows rose. “I said don’t freak. She’s fine.” A half-smile turned up the side of the man’s mouth. “Where is she?” James wasn’t out of breath exactly, but he was feeling the quickening of his respiration from the stairs and the half run down the hall. Not to mention the half panicked pounding of his heart. He couldn’t explain it, it was completely irrational but a piece of him was afraid. Deeply afraid. “Room 8, just like I said.” Tim jerked his finger over his shoulder. “They took her for x-rays. It’s a broken wrist at worst but probably just a sprain. She’ll be back in a few minutes.” Tim’s grin widened. “Just enough time for you to calm down. One look at you and she’ll think we’ve discovered she has some dread disease. Water fountain’s over there, take a deep breath, a big drink and try to wipe some of that anxiety off your face. She’s fine.” Tim’s words made him realize just how dry his mouth had gone. He let the cool water wet his lips and held it a moment in his mouth before swallowing slowly. Damn, he needed to get a hold of himself. She wasn’t seriously hurt, he knew that but the pounding in his chest wouldn’t stop.
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James walked back to the desk and peered over Tim’s shoulder. Tim turned and gave him a peeved look. “Did you want to look at this?” “Actually, yes.” James scrolled through the file. Her vitals were normal and Tim’s notations seemed thorough. Out of habit he returned the monitor to the first page of the file. Privacy was a big issue and this first page didn’t include anything terribly sensitive so it was common practice to leave it on the display if you did not intend to close the record. Tim’s exasperated snort, sounded in his ear. He hadn’t been finished entering the data and would need the page back. “Sorry,” James muttered and hit next. And the screen jumped to the third page of the file. James froze. He stared at the page. The file had skipped page two, skipped the DNA information page. He selected page two from the menu and held his breath. It came out in a hiss when he saw— Enter authorization code Why would Leah block her DNA information? “Is something wrong?” Tim asked. “No,” James advanced the record until he found the first page of the nurse’s notes and stepped aside. He stood waiting for her, trying not to think about why she would have chosen to hide this information, trying not to think about Ms. Charles and her strangely familiar green eyes. His heart hadn’t actually settled down from his dash down to trauma and now it was beating even harder. It didn’t stop until several minutes later when she was wheeled back to her bed. She took one look at him and rolled her eyes. “I’m fine, James. Please tell me you didn’t worry.” “Of course not. I’m sitting there thinking, ‘Leah’s a bit late again’. Then I get a message from Tim that you’re in trauma. Why would I worry?” His lips pressed together in a tight line. Her face softened as she tilted her head and looked at him, reading his fear in his face. He was learning to accept this about her and to find comfort in it. Leah was simply immensely intuitive about people and sensitive to their body language. It helped, especially when he fell back into his old patterns or had trouble saying what he meant. “I’m fine. I just took a fall and landed on my wrist.” Her cheeks colored and she groaned slightly, “and my backside. Trust me, it’s my pride that’s most injured here.” James walked over and helped her from the wheelchair onto the gurney. Seeing her as a patient for a moment, he was startled and disturbed by how vulnerable she suddenly seemed. How easily he could see her being hurt. The thudding in his chest got harder and he felt a cold wave of fear wash over him. If anything happened to her… He elevated the back of the bed and turned to the aide who had stepped out of his way to let him take over. “Get me two extra pillows,” he said absently as he adjusted the thin sheet over her legs. “Please.” Leah frowned at him.
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He was not amused but turned to the aide and added, “Please.” Turning back to her he said, “Forgive me, Ms. Bradley if niceties were not the foremost on my mind.” The aide returned almost immediately and he propped her hand up on her lap with the pillows. “How did this happen?” “I was changing out my bulletin board.” At his blank look she clarified. “I was hanging up examples of student work. They love to see their stuff displayed.” “And you were on a stepladder?” “Vertically challenged here,” she raised her hand. “Have you noticed I reach, oh maybe your chin?” “My jawline actually,” he corrected her. “Anyway,” she continued, rolling her eyes at him again. “There was no step ladder. I was standing on a student desk and hanging pictures. For some stupid reason I forgot I was standing three feet off the ground and stepped back to check if it was level and stepped right off the desk.” She shook her head. “Stupidest thing I’ve ever done. At least no one saw me.” He turned away from her, pulled out his data reader and sent a message to Marla. Leah hurt. Can you cover the rest of my shift? He knew Leah was watching him and that she’d object if she knew what he was doing. Turning around he slipped the silver rectangle into his pocket and reached out to brush her hair from her face. “Does it hurt much?” “Some but not much as long as I don’t move it.” “It’s swelling a bit.” He examined the wrist carefully, lifting it from the pillows and cradling it tenderly. He coaxed her to move her fingers and she did. Her face frowned with discomfort. When he urged her to bend the wrist, she did but winced in pain. Satisfied he laid it back on the pillows. “I think Tim’s right, probably just a sprain.” “Glad you concur.” Tim stepped into the room. “Only if we’re going to play doctor, I get to be George Clooney.” “No chance,” James shot back. “You’re too blond. You have no choice but to be the other one. Didn’t he get a brain tumor and die?” “James!” Leah’s eyes were wide with shock but Tim was laughing. “Yeah but I’m not the one with the vindictive bitch of an ex-wife,” Tim stepped around him and inspected the positioning of Leah’s arm. “Touché,” James conceded. He was beginning to realize he had stepped on Tim’s toes a bit. He’d basically come in and started ordering his aide around, re-examined his patient and second guessed Tim’s observations. James felt the data reader vibrate in his pocket and stepped aside to check the message as the doctor came in to confirm Leah’s wrist was only sprained. He prescribed a bandage, rest, ice for the first twenty-four hours and instructed Tim to have the pharmacy dispense a mild analgesic if she should need it.
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Tim pulled the elastic bandage from the cabinet and offered it to James. James shook his head and leaned back against the wall. Tim’s eyebrows rose slightly in surprise but he turned back to his patient and bandaged her arm. James watched him as he did so. Tim may be a pain in the ass from time to time and suffer from severe verbal incontinence but there was no denying he had a gentle touch with those in his care. Stepping back from Leah, Tim turned to him. “Why don’t you go change while I get the medication ready?” James lifted an eyebrow in question and Tim shook his head, smiling slightly. “As if you weren’t going to take her home.” He turned to look at Leah. “He’ll either have you doing exercises for a couple of hours so it doesn’t get stiff or insist that you are an invalid. Either way, ignore him. Move it about if you want to, don’t if you don’t.” He glanced at James over his shoulder and then winked at Leah. “I could get the doctor to prescribe a sedative if you like. In case it gets really bad.” James glared at him. “She does not need a sedative.” “I don’t think it was for me.” Leah tried to stifle her giggle. Tim winked at her again and promised to return quickly. She looked up at James with those bright green eyes. “I’m fine. You don’t have to take time off work for something this silly.” “I already have,” he informed her. He hated being the butt of jokes. He hated that Tim was having a jolly time poking fun at him. But the receding fear, as misplaced as it was, made it impossible for him to be cross with her. “I’m going to change. I’ll be right back.” He walked to the door before turning around to smile at her. “By the way, ignore Tim.” He couldn’t stop the grin from creeping onto his face. “You will rest it for twentyfour hours. Then we’ll start with one-pound weights.” He heard her laugh and the soft thwack of the pillow that hit the doorframe as he disappeared around it. Arriving home, he settled her on the sofa and went to get her a drink so she could take her medication. He wouldn’t let her follow. “James, seriously, it’s a sprain. I’m fine.” “Darlin’ I’m not pampering your wrist, though I am very fond of your wrist and the hand attached to it.” He felt a wave of amused pleasure as she stared at him in confusion for a second before blushing deeply. “But I must confess I’m pampering that pride you said was the largest injury. Because I intend to tell this story to Robert, Shay, Aaron, Hailey, all your friends and even strangers on the trolley. The day my wife walked off a table.” Leah watched him disappear into the kitchen and her smile slipped away. Tomorrow. Tomorrow was Friday. How he seemed to push it out of his mind and act as if he didn’t remember they were meeting with their life guides the next day she couldn’t begin to imagine. It was that, not the bulletin board that had distracted her and led to her act of supreme klutziness. No matter how she tried, there was still that thread, that tiny sliver of doubt deep inside her.
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When he returned, he handed her a glass and two small white pills. She swallowed quickly, forcing them past what felt like a small stone in her throat. He sat next to her and pulled her against his chest. Setting his own glass on the table he demanded her data reader. Just recently he had discovered he could delight her by reading to her. His voice was rich and full, it wove its way around words. It made her feel silly to admit it but there was something about his accent that was very appealing, extremely sexy in fact. Leah leaned back and closed her eyes, letting that voice wrap itself around her as tangibly as the arm that enfolded her. That night when she yawned the second time as she sat reading on her own while he watched the entertainment net, he shut the screen off and stood up, offering her his hand. Charlie hopped off her lap, where he had been snoozing and ran for the large quilted cloth sack they had put on the floor and burrowed inside. The small dog had hated the idea but the inconvenience of a dog on the bed won out over his pitiful and indignant glare. James insisted on helping her undress. Her initial response was irritation until he slipped the last of her clothes from her body and pulled her into his arms. He tucked her head up under his chin and stroked her head. “One more day, love,” he whispered against her hair. “Then I’m yours forever.” Her heart leapt as much from his words as from the touch of his hands on her skin. Lying next to her on the bed, his long fingers stroking her flesh, he drove out any thought but the joy of them. James and Leah. And in the darkness of the room, as he made love to her, as he whispered to her, telling her he belonged to her, that he could not live without her, she surrendered the last of her doubts. James was rushing her out the door. “Leah, our appointments. We will be late.” “What’s the point,” she mumbled, “we’ll just be late for our appointment to queue up and wait for their grace and leisure.” He pushed her out of the door and toward the trolley station. Stopping he laid his hand on her shoulder. “Wait right here, I forgot to shut the coffee pot off.” He spun and ran back to the door. He’d passed through it before she remembered the coffee maker shut off automatically. It took him several minutes before he reemerged. His face was slightly flushed and he was grinning broadly. “What are you up to?” she cast him a suspicious glance. “I have no idea what you mean.” The boyish grin was plastered to his face as if it were a permanent fixture. The look sent a warm shiver through her. He was irresistible when he smiled but this impish grin made his entire being light up. He took her hand and hurried her along. They entered the office together and joined the queue. “Was I not right?” she muttered to him. He chuckled slightly and his handheld hers firmly. After signing in, they were directed to separate waiting rooms.
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Before leaving her, he brought her hand to his lips and kissed it. “Wait for me, will ya? Mr. If-You-Stuck-A-Lump-Of-Coal-Up-My-Ass-It’d-Be-A-Diamond-In-TenMinutes, always keeps me waiting. I swear he tells them to save me for last.” She reached up and let her fingers stroke the soft black hair, smooth over the beard that tickled her palm. “You know I’ll wait.” She watched him disappear through the door and settled herself in a seat. She didn’t wait long. When she entered Karen’s office the brunette was sitting behind her desk. Leah frowned at her. Leah could feel the woman’s discomfort. Something was wrong, Karen was perched stiffly on the edge of her chair and her smile didn’t reach her eyes. “Leah, come on in,” she greeted her warmly. “Sit down.” Leah took her seat and tried to smile back. Something definitely wasn’t right. “So, how did it go this time.” Karen’s eyes kept shifting nervously to her monitor. “Wonderfully.” She waited for Karen’s eager questioning to begin. It didn’t. “I’m glad.” The brown eyes finally focused on her. “I’m glad it went well. It always does. You’re lucky, Leah. The way you seem to reach people and make friends so easily.” “I made friends, Karen but it’s more than that.” She felt herself relax. James loved her, whatever was going on with Karen had nothing to do with her. “More?” “James and I are in love, Karen. He’s asked me to stay with him and to marry him. We want a permanent assignment.” She waited for the other woman to smile. But she didn’t. The brown eyes looked down at the hands clasped on the surface of her desk. “Leah,” she sighed. “Are you sure? Is that really what he said?” Leah felt her breath catch and her heart skipped a beat. She pushed back the anxiety and swallowed. “Yes, Karen. This time there’s no doubt. He loves me. He tells me every day, almost hourly. He wants us to be together and so do I.” “This is what he said to you?” “Karen?” Leah stared at the ashen face that refused to meet her eye. “I’m sorry Leah, I’m truly sorry,” The life guide swiveled the monitor on her desk so that Leah could read the message displayed there. Edwards, James David, Bradley, Leah Elizabeth. Assignment Rejected.
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Chapter Twenty-One He brushed a strand of the auburn hair that had escaped the tail he usually wore it in when he had to go into the central offices to work. His mouth was pressed tight and his teeth ground together as he checked the residence number on his data reader again and headed down the corridor. He needn’t have bothered as he saw the security staff standing outside the door to number 26. One man and one woman stood on opposite sides of the portal. Their matching dark grey slacks and light grey polo style shirts bore the Sanctuary logo emblazoned on the left chest and, though he was too far to see it, he knew the words Public Safety Liaison Officer were stitched below it. Nice, pretty words for police, or more accurately militia. His eyes swept down to the black box on the woman’s belt, ray guns the residents called them. The equivalent of a taser, it would incapacitate even the toughest of humans quickly and efficiently with a single burst of energy that left a burn at the point of entry. No messy wires or electrodes. The liaison officers had for the most part been the members of the military who had been assigned to protect Sanctuary. Rumor was they had killed several people during riots in the last days before the doors were sealed. Officially this was only a rumor but in a fit of boredom and curiosity he’d tracked down several forgotten memos that referenced the event, even if the database held no actual record of it. He wondered if they’d had to use their little ray guns since they had closed the doors. He remembered hearing gossip that a few people had to be subdued for their own safety just after the impact but that he had never seen that referenced. On the whole Kevin Sullivan disdained these unpleasant reminders that made him think far too much of stories by Bradbury and Huxley and that damned movie Logan’s Run. Even the name Sanctuary had made him laugh bitterly at the irony of it, the whole thing was just way too Big Brother for him most of the time. That’s why he did what he did. That’s why he played the system. As far as he was concerned it had only worked for him twice. When it introduced him to Leah and later when it introduced him to his wife Aimee but then again that hadn’t exactly been the system’s doing. Aimee wasn’t Leah but then no one was and he wouldn’t have wanted her to be. Leah had been his big sister alive again, before the leukemia had stolen her. Again he had someone who had adored him, coddled him, pushed him and teased him mercilessly. He’d never felt comfortable with women and preferred to hide behind his computer. Leah had pulled him out of that and taught him how to talk, not just to women but to people in general. Now this asshole had hurt her and Kevin would make sure he paid for it. What he’d done to Jason had been aggravating but this bastard knew what the consequences were. He’d find something worse than a juvenile prank to earn Leah her pound of flesh. He’d seen how happy she had been. He’d even started to believe the guy was legit too.
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And Kevin knew Leah well enough to know this time the hurt that had been inflicted would probably never heal. He reached the door and the female officer scanned his ID band and opened the door to let him pass. Standing just inside the door he took in the scene and winced. Everywhere he looked were little reminders that Leah lived here. He shook his head and tried to push down the anger, he had to focus. Stephen was arguing with an officer who was holding a framed picture he refused to relinquish. “I’m telling you, that’s her family.” Stephen’s voice was low and harsh. “According to the scan, Edwards purchased this frame and Bradley purchased the other one.” He pointed to a photograph that showed James, a woman and two children. “That’s his family, you brainless baboon,” Stephen huffed. “He’s in the picture. Ever heard of a gift?” The man’s face was passive as he tried to hand Stephen the other photograph. “This is actually easy to resolve,” Kevin sighed as he stepped toward the two. He passed them and turned on the terminal on the desk. He opened the main directory and called up Leah’s file. “Enter your code and you can see her picture.” The liaison officer typed in his code and waited. Leah’s picture flashed on the screen. Kevin saw the faint look of chagrin that flashed on the face and disappeared. He cleared the screen and handed Stephen the photograph of Leah’s family and stepped away to stand against the wall, hands clasped in front of him, feet slightly apart and his eyes unfocused on the far wall. “Idiot,” Stephen muttered. “Stop pecking at him,” Kevin advised. “He’s bigger than both of us and he’s just doing his job.” Stephen huffed and carried the stack of pictures into what must have been Leah’s room. He placed them in the silver trunk before turning to Kevin. “The bastard, how could he do it to her?” Stephen’s face looked like he felt. “I don’t know,” Kevin confessed. Of all of Leah’s other assignments, Stephen had been the closest thing he had to a friend. The man was so easygoing as a rule that none of his caustic and snotty comments had ever angered him. Now the small blond man looked as if he could kill someone. “Stephen,” he hesitated. “Does this make any sense to you?” He shook his blond head. “I’ve been telling myself for the last hour that the guy is just a prick who used her but…” Kevin didn’t finish the thought but nodded. “What can I say? The guy lied to her, hell he lied to us all.” He moved through the door to the bathroom and started to check for anything that might have been missed but it looked like Stephen was pretty well finished. “Where is she?” “Rebecca and I met her at the life guide’s office and she took her home. Jena met me here and we packed most of her stuff. Leah only wanted her personal things. Said to leave the décor, she just didn’t care. Jena’s taken Charlie back to my place.” He let out a
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disgusted snort. “She had no clue, Kevin. Nothing was packed, her grandmother’s afghan was on the sofa, her pictures in the living room and…” He turned to fix Kevin with a pained look. “Her gown and robe were on the end of his bed.” Kevin closed his eyes. Even King Dickhead, as they had been calling Jason since the day he rejected her, hadn’t pushed it that far. Never in his life had he hated someone the way he hated James Edwards. He opened his eyes and moved back into the bedroom, “Let’s get done here. We’ll wipe away any trace of this and he’ll go away just like the other one. Maybe I’ll hack his file and make them think he speaks Russian. Get him assigned to someone he can’t talk to. I hear they’re having a hell of a time with temperature regulation in that sector and if he thinks his commute sucks now… “ He his jaw set determinedly. “This is Leah, she’ll bounce back.” Stephen blanched. “Not this time, Kevin. You didn’t see her.” “I’ve seen it.” In truth he could still see it in his mind’s eye. He’d seen her the last time, sobbing as he sat on Stephen’s sofa cradling her to his chest, making threats to get even with Jason. “No man,” Stephen ran a hand over his long face. “She didn’t cry. Not a single tear. I think that’s why the life guide sent for us. Last time they just turned her loose to go back to maidel housing until they could reassign her, just like they do every time. This time the woman sent for us to come and get her.” Kevin could see the shudder run through the man. “It was spooky, Kev. No tears, no anger, no nothing. When we walked in she just stood up and asked to be taken home. I tried to hug her, Rebecca tried to take her hand and she side-stepped us. It was damned scary.” There weren’t words for the level of anger he was feeling and once Stephen and he got the guys together, by God, there would be no words to describe what they’d do to him. For the first time in his life, Kevin could realistically see himself resolving this physically. He’d probably get his ass kicked but between them they’d make James Edwards sorry he was alive. Stephen was closing the trunk and started to roll it out of the room, “Grab her bag will you. I think we got everything. Jena did the bathroom before she left.” In the living room, Kevin passed the picture of James and his family. His hand started to lift toward it. “Don’t,” the liaison officer’s voice spoke behind him. “I’m here to make sure you don’t damage anything that’s his.” “And I don’t suppose you care if he deserves it?” “No, I don’t.” The man gave Kevin a bored look. “Are you two done?” Stephen nodded. “Yeah and before you say it, we know. If we missed something she can fill out four million forms in triplicate to try and get it back.” The liaison officer shot him a dirty look and turned to Kevin. “You cleared the bedroom, bathroom and kitchen?” “Got it,” Stephen started to turn away then said, “wait, kitchen. I didn’t get the kitchen.”
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“How could you possibly forget the cow?” Kevin rolled his eyes. “I wasn’t exactly thinking about the damned thing, you know. I don’t know if Jena checked it when she rounded up Charlie’s things or not.” “I’ll check,” Kevin said. He shook his head, “we leave her mother’s ceramic cow creamer and she’ll really be upset.” Stephen gave him a weary smile and rolled his eyes halfheartedly. Kevin turned and headed into the kitchen. Sure enough, the ridiculous damned thing was sitting in the refrigerator. He hesitated as he saw the bottle of champagne chilling inside. Shrugging mentally, he pulled out the black and white cow by its tail handle, emptied the cream and rinsed it. Turning around he caught sight of the table at the far end of the room. It was set for two. Really set. Flowers were in a glass vase in the center, two taper candles sat in glass holders and the place settings were done to perfection including both wineglasses and flutes. Leaning against one plate was a folded piece of paper. “Damn it!” he ground out. Leah had been planning one hell of a celebration, she’d even splurged on real paper. Worst of all the asshole had let her, there was no way he could have missed this. Walking over he stood over the table fighting the urge to sweep the entire thing on to the floor with a crash. He’d gladly pay the fine. Maybe he’d reroute credits from James’ account to do it. His eyes fell on the paper again. Whatever she had written the bastard had no right to see it, had no right to mock her one last time. He picked it up and started to open it when he heard a noise behind him. Jamming it into his pocket quickly, he turned slowly around. The liaison officer was standing staring at him. Kevin lifted the cow and walked to the door. “Wanna scan it. Heaven knows we wouldn’t want badass Mr. Edwards to be robbed of his ceramic cow.” The man looked for moment as if he would actually scan both Kevin and the cow but finally he stepped aside to let him pass. “If you two have everything, you need to leave.” Kevin turned and snapped to attention giving a mocking salute made more ridiculous by the fact that he still held the cow in his right hand. “Yes sir.” He and Stephen moved into the corridor followed by the liaison officer. Giving a nod to the woman he shut the door and watched as she pulled a data reader from her pocket and began to peck at the screen. They were resetting the lock codes. James’ ID band would be automatically reset as well, wherever he was. He’d probably never even notice the changes that barred Leah from his life and home. “Give Leah a hug for me,” he said as Stephen turned the silver trunk over to the service staff member who was standing beyond the three liaison officers. “If she’ll let me,” Stephen replied cryptically. “That goes to NAE maidel housing,” the blond man said needlessly to the service worker. As the man walked away with the trunk, Kevin spoke. “Tell me they gave her a pass. Time to pull it together?” 160
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Stephen shook his head. “The life guide offered but Leah refused. Said that she wanted to go to her next assignment as soon as possible and get her ten out of the way so they’d all just leave her the fuck alone.” “Whoa,” Kevin lowered his voice, suddenly aware of the people around them, “Leah said fuck?” Stephen nodded. “I thought Rebecca was going to fall over. Not to mention the shock on the life guide’s face.” His face grave he continued, “I told you Kev. She was downright scary.” “How long is she staying with you and Rebecca?” “I’m hoping to talk her into staying for a day or two but you know Leah. Once she sets her mind on something…” Stephen shrugged. Kevin brushed back a stray strand of hair in irritation. “Yeah, I know. I’ll try to stop by tomorrow if she’s still there.” A trolley arrived and Stephen looked back at Kevin when he didn’t board it. “You walking?” “Yeah,” he evaded. “I have a bit of hostility I don’t exactly want to take home to Aimee.” “Understood, try to walk off a bit for me too, will ya?” “Hey, Stephen,” Kevin said as an afterthought. “Tomorrow, whatta ya say it’s time we all had a guys’ night out?” Stephen’s smile was diabolic. “Beer, loud music and plans of revenge?” “Sounds about right.” “You’re on. I’ll message the guys.” Kevin watched the trolley roll out of sight and leaned back against the wall. Alone he finally did what he’d wanted to do since he saw the paper folded on the plate. Pulling it from his pocket he opened it and read it. Then read it again. Shaking his head in disbelief he jammed the paper back into his pocket. “What the hell is going on?”
***** Almost three hours. The little jerk had kept him waiting for almost three hours. What was worse was that Leah would be waiting too. She’d not be able to leave until he registered his agreement to permanent assignment. At least he’d warned her about this. She was probably done and wondering what the hell was going on. A small nagging worry touched his mind. He hoped she didn’t think something was wrong, that the delay was because he was having second thoughts. No, he told himself, after the last few weeks, after last night, surely there could be no doubt in her mind about how he felt.
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“James Edwards?” the small woman behind the glass-enclosed reception desk called his name. “About bloody time,” he muttered and stood up. She opened the door for him and he walked back to the office of the man he should be grateful to for sending him Leah but who irked him so easily it was hard not to hate him. The door was ajar and he pushed it open and stepped inside. The small man looked up at him with sharp hazel eyes. “James. Welcome. Sit down, won’t you?” James folded himself into the chair and waited. Next would come some stupid exit questions and then he could register his request and be back to Leah. Thoughts of the rest of the evening with Leah actually teased up a smile on his face. “You’re looking well,” the life guide remarked. “Thank you, Harrison,” James said automatically. Leah’s manners must be rubbing off on him. “You look well too.” “Tired and a bit overworked but it’s all for the greater good.” The man looked so smug James couldn’t stop the disgusted feeling in his gut. “I must say you look more relaxed than I’ve ever seen you.” “It’s been a good assignment.” “Excellent, assignment three for you, eh?” Harrison touched several icons on his monitor. He seemed way too excited. Harrison was never excited. “First two were rejections. Now this latest assignment.” Harrison looked back up at him and winked conspiratorially. “I take it I can just go ahead and click rejected without any of the usual formalities?” James stopped the ”Hell, no” that started to burst from him and eyed Harrison suspiciously. Harrison offering to dispense with the formalities? Harrison? Mr. ISwallowed-The-Rule-Book? Mr. Stick-Up-His-Ass? Something wasn’t right. “Actually no,” James watched the man’s eyes. “As I said this was a good assignment. We’ve agreed we’d like a permanent assignment together.” He watched as a puzzled look crossed the man’s face. Harrison turned back to his computer screen and his fingers flew over the touch screen. “You were assigned to Leah Bradley, right?” “Yes.” The man looked at him as if he were crazy for a moment then the most ridiculous expression of sympathy James had ever seen filled the face. Not for one minute did James believe it was real. “I’m sorry James but Ms. Bradley has rejected the assignment.” “What?” James shook his head, certain he had heard wrong. “What did you say?” The faux sympathy took on an almost comical proportion as Harrison repeated himself. “Ms. Bradley rejected the assignment to you, James.” It felt as if someone had injected ice water into his veins. Leah had rejected him? James was standing before he realized his brain had issued the command to his legs. 162
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“You’re telling me that Leah rejected me?” This little toad of a man was saying that Leah rejected him? That she didn’t love him? That she didn’t want him? “I’m sorry but yes. In fact she’s requested to be placed back into the pool as soon as possible.” The compassion was replaced by the flicker of nervousness behind the hazel eyes. “No.” James shook his head. “You’re lying. I don’t know why but there is no way Leah rejected me. She loves me. I know it.” “Pull yourself together, James.” Harrison shifted uneasily in his seat. “You’re on the verge of making a spectacle of yourself.” “You haven’t seen spectacle yet,” James hissed. “What the hell are you playing at?” “Look for yourself.” The man pressed a couple of icons and turned the screen to face him. James read the words. Leah had rejected him. According to the words on this screen, she had rejected the assignment to him. Voices flooded his mind. “She rejects them all in the end.” “Just don’t make the mistake of caring about her. And if you think you might love her, run. Run far and fast.” “I warned you, just remember that.” “No,” James shook his head. “I want to see her. There is no way I’m buying this ’til I hear it from her.” “James,” Harrison started to interrupt but he cut him off. “I’m telling you this is a mistake. We agreed. We want to stay together, we want to be married.” He missed the shiver and expression of distaste that passed briefly over Harrison’s face. “James, sit down.” He wasn’t sure why he obeyed but he did. “Look Harrison, I know you don’t like me and you know I don’t like you. But don’t play with me like this. You want me to believe this, I have to hear it from her ’cause no way does Leah do something like this. I have to see her.” “That’s not going to happen, James, you know the rules. Once you’ve had a few months to calm down, if you still want to talk to her you can.” Harrison turned his attention to the screen and continued. “I’d like to put you back into the pool immediately. It will help with this little setback and we could have you reassigned in a week, two at the most.” James stared at him incredulously. “Are you kidding me? Back in the pool? Reassigned? I just told you I want to marry Leah. I love Leah.” “I’m sure you do James.” The man settled back in his chair and his eyes hardened, his voice began to drone patronizingly. “Leah came into your life and helped you to see that it was worth living. She showed you that you had had friends and people who cared about you all along. She showed you that you could learn to trust people and love
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again. She ripped away the festering tissue of your emotional wounds and helped them begin to heal. Of course you love her.” James stared at him aghast. “How the hell do you know all this? Were you watching us?” “No more than normally.” Harrison shrugged. “You know about the surveillance. Everyone does. It’s how we keep all of you safe.” The man leaned forward slightly. “I give you my word James, we did no more monitoring than we normally do. There are places we don’t go on ethical principles.” James was shaking his head. Harrison was trying to distract him. “I don’t care what you monitored or didn’t. Well, I do…” He rose and leaned forward placing his palms on the desk in front of his life guide. The man leaned back slightly in response. “You’ve missed the point, Harrison. Everything you said was true. Leah did everything you said she did. Why would she if she was going to reject me?” “Because it’s her job, James.” He felt the air leave his lungs in a slow deflating hiss. He couldn’t breathe and he wasn’t sure his heart was actually beating. “Her job?” he managed to gasp out. “Fine, you want the truth? I’m not supposed to tell you this but if I don’t you’re going to create an even bigger fuss, aren’t you?” James nodded. “I want the truth, Harrison. What do you mean it’s her job?” The little man’s face grew hard and James became aware that he was actually taking a perverse pleasure in this situation. “Just what I said.” He leaned forward and pressed an icon in the shape of a file folder on his monitor. It was still turned so that James could see it. A blue box appeared and requested a file prompt. Harrison typed in the words Bradley, Leah Elizabeth. A folder like the one James had seen that first day he learned about his new assignment appeared on the screen. The prompt for a password appeared and James watched the black dots appear in the text box as the man behind the desk entered his password. Access Granted Harrison gestured to him. “Go on, open it.” James tapped the folder and it opened just like before, Leah’s picture on one side and data on the other. He watched her face as it revolved before him on the screen. How could he have ever seen her as anything but beautiful? His heart ached at the sight of her. No, whatever Harrison said there was a mistake. His Leah loved him and he loved her. “Go on, open the folders with the past assignments,” Harrison urged. James tapped the screen again. This time instead of the plain text data that had appeared on the file he accessed, he saw photos appear. Photos of Leah with each of the men. He stole a look at Harrison. The man was watching him and caught the look. Harrison reached over and touched the photo of Leah with Stephen. It enlarged and he saw their faces close together laughing as Stephen held her in his arms. He
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recognized he background—the Blue Moon. They were dancing. Leah’s eyes were bright and both faces were happy. “Stephen Green, a man with a great many secrets and walls of self protection wrapped around him. Three months with Leah and he learned to open himself to possibilities he hadn’t imagined. Just like you.” He touched the next picture. “Anthony Donatelli, nice guy but overbearing and suspicious of women. His mother ran out on the family when he was a child. Leah taught him that trust doesn’t have to mean betrayal.” He looked pointedly into James’ eyes. He watched as the picture of Leah feeding a large forkful of pasta into the darkhaired man’s mouth switched out and she was standing against a railing on a walkway looking down as a man with auburn hair stood behind her, arms on the rail to each side of her. The picture had obviously been taken from across the well. Harrison sounded like a voice over from some cheesy commercial. “Kevin Sullivan, death of his sister at age fourteen left him devastated. He grew up avoiding all women and girls. Shy and socially awkward he bloomed while he knew Leah. He’s now married to a woman he approached on his own and requested an assignment to.” The picture changed again. “Dr. Bryan Hunter, self-important and self-absorbed.” Leah was sitting between his knees in a small boat, obviously one of the rowboats on the makeshift pond in the Nature Recreation Center. “Leah taught him to see other people, to recognize their need for acknowledgement. Sort of like someone else we know who is finally seeing the people who are around him and learning to accept their friendship.” “Stop it.” James sank into the chair. “Just stop it.” The sick heavy feeling was centering in his chest and pulling him so deep and so hard he found it hard to simply keep his eyes open. His lip curled into a nasty snarl and he lifted the hooded eyes to Harrison. “Please just stop it.” “But we haven’t seen them all,” the man said, a bit too eagerly. He tapped each picture in succession. “Paul Wilson,” the picture of Leah, hair tucked under a ball cap sitting next to Paul whose arm was wrapped around her shoulders had been taken at a game. Probably one of Jena’s games, James thought. Tap. “Jason Reilley, the only other man foolish enough to develop romantic delusions toward his Leah.” The image of Leah stretched out on the grass with a small version of Charlie curled on her chest and a smiling Jason leaning over her, obviously about to kiss her. His Leah. The words burned in James’ mind as he looked helplessly at the screen wishing it would all just stop. The last tap brought the image of Leah and him. He knew exactly when that picture had been taken. She was sitting in front of him and he was leaning forward against her back, his face pressed to her ear whispering into it. “James Edwards. Her latest triumph. The man I thought no one would ever reach.”
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Harrison stood up and leaned over the desk in mockery of James’ earlier stance. “Get the picture, James? Each time we send her out she does just what we need her to do. She fixes broken little boys like you and turns them into men.” Remembered doubts flooded back to him. The way she had walked into the assignment telling him she just wanted to be his friend. The way all the others seemed to adore her, yet none had chosen to stay with her. Or had they? The thoughts continued to assail him. She always seemed to know the right thing to say. Had she been briefed on him so fully before she came? The images of their days and nights of intimacy shot through his head. Her profession of innocence, yet she seemed to know just how to touch him. She’d actually taken the lead when he hesitated. And it hadn’t hurt her. Their first time when he should have given her pain, there had been none. He’d rationalized it to himself blaming the ovum collection procedure. His Leah. She always seemed to push him that one step farther, giving him permission to explore all sides of himself only to find total acceptance from her. James forced himself to his feet. His body felt heavy, lifeless. So she was, after all too good to be true. “James, she doesn’t do this to hurt people or use them. She does it to help them. It’s her job, her role in life, it’s who and what she is. Don’t screw up what you’ve learned from her. You know she cared for you. Hell, she’s cared for all of them. You’ve seen that yourself.” Harrison walked around the edge of the desk. He hesitated slightly and then laid his hand on James’ shoulder. The amber and hazel eyes locked. “Don’t throw away what she gave you out of anger. Don’t throw away everything you’ve learned about your life and who you are. If you do love her, if you ever did love her, take what she’s given you. Her own happiness has been sacrificed over and over to help others and the others accepted it. Don’t be the one who makes that sacrifice in vain.” James shrugged off his hand, turned and walked to the door. “Mr. Edwards.” The voice was sharp but hid a nervousness as if he were afraid he’d pushed him too far. “Your next assignment?” James stared at the door. Without turning he said softly, “Give me a couple of weeks, Harrison. Then put me back in the pool.”
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Chapter Twenty-Two He stood outside the door to the residence he had refused to call home until the last few weeks though he’d lived here since it was assigned to him at the end of his first week at Sanctuary. He and Nina had gone through processing in the separate male and female dormitories and then been assigned this residence. The last two times he’d been in this position, the women had been packed and ready to go, no illusions about the fact that the assignment had been a disaster at best. He’d walked back in these rooms relieved, knowing exactly what he would find. This time he had no idea. He didn’t know what he’d find. What happened when she didn’t pack? Or had she? He’d been in the waiting room a long time. Had she finished and while they stalled him, come back and packed? No, he didn’t know what he’d find inside this door. But that wasn’t the problem. That wasn’t what kept him rooted to the spot. It was what he wouldn’t find. There would be no Leah. No Charlie. No laughter. No joy. He drew a deep breath and cursed himself for being a coward and a fool. He scanned his ID band and stepped through the door. The silence hit him like a wave of moist heat, choking him, burning his skin. He stepped inside and walked over to the couch, dropping heavily on to it. His mind began to catalog the absences. The absence of a furry, elongated body crawling in his lap demanding attention. The absence of the soft handmade afghan with its blue and brown lying against the back of his head. The absence of green eyes smiling up at him from the terminal, or peeking around the edge of the doorway. Don’t do this, a piece of his mind shouted. Heedless, he pushed himself up slowly and without conscious thought began to move through the rooms. The photographs that had been so important to her and to the progression of their relationship were gone. The remaining photo standing on the shelf between the two terminals seemed lonely and out of place in the absence of the others. In the bathroom, only one toothbrush, one hairbrush, one bottle of shampoo, only one razor lay on the counter or sat on the edge of the tub. He pushed open the door to her room and closed his eyes. His chest felt as if a hand had grasped his heart and was twisting it violently. The room was empty of her. It had resumed its sterile and vacant look. There was no sign she’d ever been there. He pushed on into the kitchen. He stopped dead in his tracks, confronted by the table. The flowers, the tulips she loved, drooped slightly from the weight of their heavy brilliantly colored heads. The white candles, the stemware, the place settings, all Sanctuary issue but beautifully laid out. He’d planned it for days and for a rushed job completed while she waited for him to “turn off the coffee maker”, it had come out well.
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Then he noticed it. There was something missing. He stepped over to her plate and ran his hand across the surface as if trying to confirm the absence of the note he had left there for her. She’d been here. She’d seen the note. She’d taken the note. No, something inside him insisted. That note wouldn’t have meant anything to her. She probably just threw it out. Had she smiled when she read it? Had it made her happy? Did it make her believe she had done her “job” well? Did she feel any regret knowing that he’d meant every word of it? James felt the anger growing in his chest. It was his old fallback. When faced with pain, faced with fear, faced with confusion the one thing that chased it away was rage. He’d hate her. He’d make himself hate her. As he stared at the table he told himself she was no better than Nina. She’d used him to get what she wanted. What did it matter that according to Harrison, what she wanted was to heal him, to help him? She’d walked away from him, whatever the reason. She’d made him love her, made him believe she loved him, made him believe in dreams and in the future. And then she had simply offered him up as proof of a job well done and walked away. “I hope you get one hell of a bonus for this one,” he said out loud to the empty room. He turned away moving to the refrigerator. He needed a drink. Pulling it open and his hand moved automatically to the closest beer bottle but something caught his eye and he halted. James stood frozen for a moment staring at the chilling bottle of champagne. He reached for it, a voice inside telling him he might as well drink it. There was certainly no point in saving it. He pulled the gold foil from the top and released the stopper with a soft pop. It wasn’t fancy champagne. Not that he’d know. He’d taken Shay’s word on what to buy. But now none of that really mattered. He walked to the table and pulled a flute to the edge. He began to pour. As he watched the golden liquid fill the glass his stomach grew sick. His mind filled with the images he had created for himself about how this night would go. He’d make her enter with her eyes closed. He’d take her to her room and pick out the dress she’d worn the night of her birthday. He’d leave her to shower and change while he pulled on the jeans and shirt he’d worn that same night and rush to the kitchen to heat up the dinner Hailey had prepared for them and delivered that morning while Leah was in the shower. Once she was dressed he’d take her arm and escort her to the table. They’d enjoy the food and discuss what they wanted for the wedding. She’d not been married before, would she want something formal? Somehow he had doubted it. He watched the champagne fall from the mouth of the bottle, not seeing as the glass overfilled and began to spill out on the table. He continued to pour as he saw himself lead Leah to the bathroom and run a large tub of water. He’d move the candles with them and in the soft light he’d join her, touching her and pleasing her. He’d lead her from the tub and dress her in the gown he’d laid out. They’d sit in each other’s arms, curled up on the bed, finishing the champagne while he told her again and again how he loved her and she whispered back that she loved him too, while they made plans for the future. Then slowly he’d take her glass from her hand. He’d take his time then, take the rest of the
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night making her body tremble in ecstasy, hearing her moan softly as he explored her body with the hurry of a man who had the rest of his life to discover all the delights she held. And by morning he would have made her cry out, scream his name so many times she’d be hoarse from it. And he’d feel it. That overwhelming sense of her as it invaded him, as for some reason he didn’t understand, she became a part of him for those moments of pleasure. His heart was thudding so hard it hurt as the champagne continued to run out, over the cloth, over the edge of the table and down onto the floor. He tipped the bottle on end and let it drain its last drop. He held it, feeling its weight in his hand. As he saw the last trickle of the bubbly drip into the glass, his mind struck him hard with the realization that just like that bottle had spent itself, so too were his hopes for the future spent. So too were the dreams he had begun to dare to dream spilled out on the floor. He closed his eyes and felt his breath come quicker. It was as if suddenly he couldn’t find enough air. Something was constricting his chest, stabbing mercilessly at his heart, his head felt as if it would explode from the pain that tore through him. His face twisted and contorted as the pain pulled his rage up from deep inside to hide behind. A primal scream ripped from his throat and he grabbed the neck of the bottle and swung it like a weapon. Glass shattered and water flew as he brought it slamming into the vase. Changing the direction of his swing, the bottle became a mallet slamming into the table, destroying the dishes and glasses. When finally the bottle itself broke spraying green glass across the room, shards flying back against his face and hands, he abandoned it and swept the remains on to the floor. The mound of broken glass sliced into his hand but he didn’t feel it. He didn’t care. He backed away from the mess he had made and slid down the far wall to sit on the floor. He was trembling. No tears came, his anger was too complete, his pain too strong. He sat there staring at the blood dripping from his hand. His breathing began to slow and his heart to cease pounding so hard it threatened to break his ribs. Minutes spent in a numbing blind haze crawled by until it cleared enough to allow an errant thought to steal into his head. I need to clean this up before Charlie… He stopped. No Leah. No Charlie. No one but him. What he had wished for so vehemently three months ago had now come true. She was gone and he was alone again. A burning filled his eyes and he bit his cheek hard. He wouldn’t cry, damn it. Tears were weakness. Every time he’d shown weakness it had come back to bite him hard. He’d shown his sorrow and pain to Nina and she’d used it to save her skin, to manipulate him. He’d shown his tears to Leah and she’d used them to crawl inside him, only to abandon him to them again. “Never again,” he spoke again to the room. He dragged himself to his feet and walked to the sink. He turned on the faucet and stuck his hand under it. The sharp stinging pain of the water cleared his head and hardened his resolve. He’d survived before Leah came and he’d survive now that she was gone. Yeah it would have been
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nice but the reality was it wasn’t going to happen the way he wanted it to. He grabbed the towel on the counter and wrapped it around his hand in a makeshift bandage. His room seemed untouched, except that now the gown and robe he had laid out when he dashed back in this morning, leaving her waiting, were gone. James pushed the thoughts away. Come on old boy, you’ve done this before. Third time’s a charm they say, so the third time should be a breeze, right? Don’t think about it. You’ll go get your job back from Calla and life will go back to normal. And that was almost the most painful thought of all. James kicked off his shoes and lay down on the bed. He’d be fine. He’d gotten through worse, he told himself. He’d get through this no problem. Then he turned on his side and pulled the pillow against his chest. His heart froze. The scent of her was still on her pillow, still on the blanket that lay beneath him. It filled his head, filled his lungs, filled every place of him she had ever touched. He buried his face deep into the pillow, nearly cutting off his own breath. As strongly as he’d ever felt the presence of her body, he now felt its absence. “Why Leah? Why?” he moaned into the foam-stuffed sack. With those words, no amount of lip biting or blustering could save him. As soon as they left his lips, the single tear left his eye and began to run down his cheek.
***** The chiming woke James from his stupor. Opening his eyes made his head scream in pain. He leaned forward on the sofa and put his head in his hands. His back and neck protested angrily. He fumbled for the remote and shut down the vid screen opposite him. Silence. It felt good for a moment, then that damned chiming sounded again. “Leah would you answer that damned…” His voice cut off and his head cleared. And he instantly wanted the fogginess back. The pain started all over again. Not just his head and his eyes, every part of him hurt. He struggled to his feet. After groping his way to the door through half open eyes, he pressed the release mechanism and it opened. He caught only the blur as Shay and Hailey pushed past him. He felt a hand close on his upper arm. “Come on buddy, let’s sit down,” Aaron’s voice was low and it hurt as it rumbled in his ears. He was confused and hurting too badly to argue. He let himself be turned around and led to the sofa. Hailey’s “Oh my God!” reached his ears from the kitchen and made him wince. He shook off Aaron’s hand and dropped onto the couch. Dark brown hands entered his field of vision, the two white pills resting against the tan palm. “Take these,” Robert shoved a glass into his hand. James tried to push the hands away. “Leave me the hell alone, all of you.” But Robert pushed the pills and water at him again. “Take these and once you don’t look like warmed-over shit, we’ll leave if you still want us to.” He didn’t want them there. The last thing he wanted was for anyone to see him like this. A pitiful, weak excuse for a human being, rejected by the woman he had been
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repulsed by—the women he had decided the moment he saw he would reject. Rejected by her and deeply wounded by that rejection. James took the glass from Robert’s hands and swallowed the pills. “There, I’ve taken my medicine like a good boy, now all of you get the hell out.” Shay reentered the room and began to collect the beer bottles James had been using to make a pyramid on the coffee table. About six beers in, he had remembered doing this at University and wondered if he could still do it, still build his own little pyramid. He could but yet, he couldn’t. Eight bottles were stacked up neatly, the ninth one half finished on the table and the tenth sitting unopened. “Did you drink all of this?” Shay’s tone was that of a mother scolding a small child for doing something dangerous, while her voice betrayed her relief that he had not been hurt. “It was a long night,” James muttered, laying his head against the back of the sofa. Shay shook her head and looked at her husband. “Get him in the shower.” “I’m not taking a shower,” James grumbled. “Yes, you are.” Her hands were on her hips. James glared at her. “No I’m not. Now all of you get out of here.” “James, go take a shower. We’re going to clean up and get you something to eat that doesn’t come in a bottle.” Shay’s eyes were soft but her voice firm. James rose to his feet. His anger reared again. He’d rather they saw his rage, rather they got pissed and left him than for them to see his pain. “James,” Shay began. “I said no, goddamn you!” He roared the words at her. He saw her eyes widen a split second before the pain of his own bellowing exploded behind his eyes and he actually heard himself cry out. Hands pressed to either side of his head, he closed his eyes. Another soft female voice spoke to his side. He hadn’t noticed her enter the room. “Jimmy boy,” the soft Southern drawl floated over his senses tenderly. “We’re here to help. We’re your friends. Take the shower, it will make you feel better.” He opened his eyes a tiny slit and saw Hailey’s bright fair face just inches below his own. She smiled at him. “Besides, I need to run the vacuum and you’d much rather be where you won’t hear it right now.” He looked into her eyes and saw her acceptance and concern. He lifted his head and looked at the other three faces. They were his friends. They’d come to him to help him when he needed them. Even if he didn’t want them, didn’t ask for their help, they had come anyway. His eyes landed on Shay last of all. “I’m sorry, Shay, I…” She cut him off with a wave of her hand. “Don’t James. You don’t have to say sorry and you don’t have to say thank you.” Pain twisted in him as he heard those words echoed in Leah’s voice. “It’s what we do for each other,” he whispered. “That’s right,” Shay nodded smiling at him. 171
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Robert’s arm rested against his back. “Come on,” he pushed James toward his room and waited in the doorway until James entered the bathroom. James looked back at him a moment. “No threats about yelling at Shay again?” Robert’s slow easy smile spread across his face. “Nope. My wife can take care of herself. You’d just better hope I’m there to protect you, though.” James nodded and closed the door. Finishing the basic showerly duties, he leaned, palms against the wall and let the water pour down over his head, running over his face. He breathed through his mouth, swallowing the water that pooled there letting it soothe the cottonball dryness of his mouth and throat. The ache in his head eased but the pain in his chest grew. He believed Harrison. The evidence was too overwhelming, only a fool would cling to the hope it was all a mistake. Yet he was a fool. Part of him refused to believe that Leah had done this. Was it just his vanity that didn’t want to admit that the times he had held her, made her laugh and heard her whisper she loved him were nothing special? All a part of her job. Was he a stupid fool for the part of him that wanted to believe that even if it had been true with the others, he had been different? He had been special? James dressed and opened his bedroom door. He heard them talking from the other room. “I just don’t get it,” Hailey was saying. “Why would he reject her? Look at him, look at what he did in that kitchen, his hand, he adored her. Why would he reject her?” “Because he doesn’t think he deserves someone like her,” Aaron’s voice astounded him as much as the words did. It was thick and heavy with swallowed emotion. “Sometimes we look at the best thing we could ever hope to find and just walk away because we’re damned sure it won’t want us, or that it will be better for her if she’s not landed with a grumpy, loud-mouthed, insensitive brute.” As he stepped through the door he saw Hailey rise and wrap her arms around her life partner’s neck. “And sometimes someone needs to be slapped in the face and shouted down before he hears that he deserves happiness and love.” She kissed his cheek and settled herself on the arm of the chair, arm still around his shoulders. Robert looked up and saw him. “I was beginning to wonder if they’d forgotten to install your shower timer.” His smile was easy and light. James stepped into the room. “Naw but I’ll bet we don’t get as long on the timer as you Americans do,” he tossed back the words, hoping to pull Robert onto their favorite topic. “Well if you English hadn’t lost the war, we’d be saluting your flag now,” Aaron gruffed. “I’m not English.” James walked over and glared down at him. “And I’ll thank you to remember it. Around this section, my friend, those are fighting words to two-thirds of the population.”
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Hailey was suddenly smiling up at him. He’d used the words “my friend”. He couldn’t say he’d ever done that before. She’d noticed and from the suppressed smile on Shay’s face, so had she. Women! “You want something to eat?” Shay started to rise. “No.” He stopped her. “Sit down, I don’t want anything.” He pulled a chair from the desk and sat down. “James, you need to eat.” Shay’s no-nonsense voice was back. He held up his hand to forestall the lecture. “I will. I promise, just not right now. My stomach is threatening a reappearance of anything I dare to put in it at the moment. I’m afraid I can’t drink like I used to.” “None of us can,” Aaron snorted. “Actually I think it’s just that we’ve outgrown the idea that the pain is worth the buzz,” Robert interjected. “Last hangover I had was it. Nothing is worth that.” “Sometimes what hurts isn’t the hangover.” The words were out before James realized he said them. He stood up quickly and turned his back on them. Damn his mouth. “James, why? Why did you do it?” Shay asked him softly. He turned and looked at her dark eyes. “Who said I did it? Come to think of it, how did you all know?” “Rebecca,” Shay stood and walked toward him. “She messaged me last night. I’ve never seen her use language like that. She said you rejected Leah at the last minute.” She did what no one else, no one but Leah, would ever have dared to do. She took his face in her hands and made him look at her. “Why would you do that James? You loved her.” Of course. Of course they’d all believe he was the bad guy. Insensitive, snarling, bite-your-head-off James would be the bad guy in this. His face twisted and he pulled it out of her grasp. “It’s time for you to leave. All of you.” “James…” Hailey began. It was on the tip of his tongue to tell them the truth. To tell them that he had been the one left on his ass with nothing. But his pride took a stand. It roared at him it was better to be thought an asshole than to be thought a wounded fool left and abandoned by the woman no one wanted. No one but him. Harrison’s words came back to him. “Don’t throw away what she gave you out of anger. Don’t throw away everything you’ve learned about your life and who you are. If you do love her, if you ever did love her, take what she’s given you. Her own happiness has been sacrificed over and over to help others. Don’t be the one who makes that sacrifice in vain. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t fight his pride and he couldn’t let them think her the villain. “Thank you for coming, I’ve not been much of a friend to any of you so I’m
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especially grateful you chose to be one to me. But I need two things from you right now if you are my friends. Don’t ask me about Leah. And give me some time alone.” Robert stood and took his wife’s hand. Shay wanted to press him, he could see it in her face but at the shake of Robert’s head she surrendered. He followed them to the door and closed it behind them. The silence was back, yawning before him. “Get a grip, James.” He spoke the words out loud. “She made her choice. It’s what she wanted. Accept it.”
***** Leah sat on the bed of her temporary residence in the maidel house. She’d been given the same room as she’d had three months before. Once she let him out of his crate, Charlie had spent several minutes reacquainting himself with the smells of the room, then walked to the door and whined. She could see the words in his little doggie brain. “Okay, Mom, this was neat but let’s go home.” His confusion added to her hurt. No, that wasn’t exactly true and Leah had vowed to herself in the dark hours of last night, as she lay on the sofa at Stephen and Rebecca’s, that from now on it would be only truth. No hopes, no wishes, no stupid dreams that just set you up to be hurt. Reality and truth. Those had always been her best companions, her most loyal compatriots. It was only when she forgot that that she ended up like this. Truth again, she admonished herself. She had never been like this. Charlie’s confusion touched her sympathy but it didn’t add to her hurt. She was beyond hurt. She knew she should be aching horribly, she should be crying and heartbroken. But she couldn’t feel any of the things she was supposed to feel. It had started in Karen’s office, she’d been devastated but so stunned and numb that she hadn’t been able to think or feel. “James rejected me,” she whispered the words again. Hearing them didn’t make them seem any more real. But then they were real enough. Leah searched what she felt. Tired? Drained? Empty? It was as if something inside her had been overloaded like a wall socket with too many plugs. It had flared, roared inside her and burned her. Now she felt nothing but irritation at herself. She’d been a fool to think it could have ended any differently. Every time she did, every time she let herself believe that this time it would be different, it all came crashing down around her ears. She looked around at the room. This was her future. Three more assignments, nine short months and she could finally be left alone. Just her and Charlie. Charlie, the only male in Sanctuary who wanted to be with her. She watched the red dog paw at the door and heard his whine. A sharp bitter laugh erupted from her. Okay, not even Charlie. “Come here, boy,” she called him. He ran over and stood up, paws on her leg waiting for her to pick him up. She did and cuddled him to her chest. This wasn’t fair on him either. From now on no matter how nice the guy, Charlie stayed in her room. She’d not
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let him get attached again. He shrugged his head free and returned his gaze to the door. “I know,” she whispered. “But it’s just us now. You and me, buddy boy.” His sharp, high-pitched whine was so pathetic it reverberated through her slicing a hole in the deadening ice she felt inside. “I’ll miss him too.” She let the first of her tears splash down onto the russet head.
***** “You want to do what?” Caroline demanded angrily two days later. “You can’t be serious, Leah.” “I’m serious,” she pushed her hair off her forehead. She’d gone back to wearing it pulled back with a headband, the bangs combed over her forehead. Once school started it would go back to its severe bun. Just as she’d kept it most of her life. The last few weeks she’d worn it in the ways that had made James smile or comment that he liked it. She’d braided it all back, worn it in tails or pulled back on the sides with silver combs James had given her. They had belonged to his mother. When she found them among her things, she had sent them back to him immediately. She’d almost sent back the bracelet he had given her as well but Rebecca and, oddly enough, Kevin had talked her out of it. “Okay, the combs were his mother’s, send them back. But the bracelet was a gift. I don’t know what happened, Leah but I do know he went out of the way to get this for you. You wouldn’t send Charlie back to Jason,” Rebecca had urged. Stephen had been all for sending it back and had offered to call Tony and Paul who he was sure would be more than happy to help him deliver it. Kevin had stunned her. “Lay off, Stephen. You know that kind of talk upsets her. Let it go. She’ll do this her own way.” He’d looked at her with a careful and guarded expression she’d never seen on his face before. “Keep the bracelet, Leah. He wanted you to have it. Keep it.” Now Caroline was staring at her, mouth angrily thin and that pulsing throb at her temple she got when she was truly furious. “No, I won’t let you do this. I’m the one in charge of this program and I won’t let you. I’ll declare him unfit before I allow this.” Leah felt her irritation erupt. “You will allow it. This is mine to decide and I swear, Caroline, if you try to stop me I’ll never speak to you again.” Her friend had continued to threaten until Leah stood up and glared at her. “Fine. I’ll come by and chip one and then just send what’s mine to send.” “You wouldn’t,” Caroline gasped horrified. Leah sat back down. “It would hurt like hell and frankly I don’t need any more of that right now but if you try to stop me doing this, I swear I’ll bite the bullet and do it.” Her voice softened. “Let me do this. I don’t know what happened but I do know he needs this and he’s more than fit. No puppy could be in better hands. He’ll cherish it, Caroline.” “Like he cherished you?” the redheaded woman snorted.
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“No, like he cherished Charlie.” Leah smiled sadly. Caroline gave in and agreed to send James the message to come and pick the pup to be chipped since Leah was forbidden any contact with him for three months. Leah sat quietly watching the people pass while Caroline and a strangely subdued Jena talked. How could she have been so wrong about him? How could she have misread him so badly? So much for that wonderful inner voice of hers and the certainty of what she knew others felt. Perhaps it was like the books her father had read, the ones where the hero’s special power only worked when he used it to help others. She laughed at herself. No, the truth was she could read people, hear and know what they felt except for one thing. Love. She’d never been able to read that with any assurance. Not even in herself. She’d thought she’d loved Jason. That turned out to be a joke. It was nothing to what she had felt for James. But was that love? Perhaps that was her problem. She’d been hurt, disappointed, joyful, anxious and she could see it in others. But she hadn’t been truly in love. Not until now. Maybe she’d misread it all this time, because she didn’t really know what it looked like. Not true, the voice in her head said. You saw it in your parents, in Rachel and her husband, in Kevin and Aimee, you saw it in James’ eyes when he talked about Sarah. Your problem isn’t that you’ve never seen it. It’s that you’ve never known what it felt like. ’Til now. “Stop it,” she scolded herself silently, shaking her head. “Stop it. That means nothing.” “Leah, are you okay?” Jena was leaning forward watching her face carefully. “Yes,” she lied quickly. “I’m sorry, I was just sitting here wishing term would start soon and give me something to do. But it’s still just under two weeks away.” Caroline sighed. “Well, I have to get back to work.” She stood up. “I’ll message The Ogre as soon as I get back.” Leah’s temper flared at the nickname Stephen had landed James with. “I’d suggest you not address him as Dear Mr. Ogre. And while we’re at it, don’t call him that period.” Caroline looked down at Leah and started to respond but was interrupted by Jena. “Look Leah, you may have a heart the size of all Sanctuary but we don’t. He hurt you and we hate him for it. I’m sorry but you’ll just have to live with that.” The blonde stood up and walked away leaving Leah and Caroline staring after her. She stopped several steps away. “Saturday night, Leah. You are coming.” “Who died and made her the goddess?” Caroline muttered. Leah just stood there watching Jena walk away. She jumped as the woman paused and side kicked a trash receptacle sending it clattering on its side and skittering across the floor before continuing toward the nearest trolley stop. “Sometimes I pity the soccer ball,” the redhead muttered.
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Chapter Twenty-Three James stared at the screen. He’d deleted two messages from Caroline the day before, now there was another one. And one from Shay? He opened Shay’s. For Heaven’s sake, will you read and answer Caroline’s message! Shay PS. Don’t forget you are coming to dinner tonight. He frowned and sat staring at the blinking envelope icon. What on Earth could the woman have to say to him? Word, it seemed, traveled fast. Even Jason had contacted him, renewing the offer of friendship. James had rejected it. Regardless of what was happening now, Leah had been hurt by that man and nothing was going to convince James to be more than civil toward him. If Rebecca believed he had rejected Leah and based on Shay’s words she did, did all her friends believe it? Had he become to them just like Jason? Made to be the one who had done ill by her? If so he didn’t need to hear any recriminations from them. Actually he was surprised his climate controls hadn’t been tampered with, his bank accounts eradicated and that none of the guys had paid him a more personal visit. But Shay wouldn’t set him up for something like that. There must be something more to the woman’s message than just wanting to curse him into the next century. A chill ran over him. Was something wrong with Leah? Or Charlie? Caroline was the veterinarian. Had something happened to the tiny dachshund? He tapped the message and was surprised by its formal tone. Then he was just surprised period. Mr. Edwards, As you are aware, Ms. Leah Bradley’s pet, known by the call name of Charlie, participated in the dachshund breeding program. You are also, I know, aware that in exchange for the stud service, Ms. Bradley is to be awarded one of the pups with the waiver of the live animal bond fee. As Ms. Bradley already cares for Charlie, she has signed over her “fee” to you. Please report to the Veterinary Services Center to select the pup so that it may be chipped. The litter will be ready for home placement in six weeks. Please click the link below to confirm the appointment time of Monday at 5:45pm. Sincerely, Dr. Caroline Mathers, DVM Director Canine Preservation Program James read the letter a second time. Leah was giving him one of Charlie’s pups. Something inside him grasped on to the dying sliver of hope and tried to pull it back into the light. She wouldn’t just give anyone one of Charlie’s pups. This had to mean
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something. He sat there at the desk staring at the screen. Suddenly he knew what this meant and the final acceptance of it lay to waste the last of that feeble hope. It meant Harrison was right. If she believed he had rejected her, the last thing she would want is to do something like this for him, right? His life guide had been telling the truth and the worst part was he couldn’t even hate her for it. Leah did what she did because she cared about others. She had cared about him the way she had cared about her other assignments. He wondered if all the others had had similar moments of clarity. Similar experiences when they were forced to face the fact that they had been no more to her than his patients were to him. He cared about their health and their lives. He’d fight with everything he could, every piece of knowledge in him, every tool at his disposal to save them, to heal them. But in the end they got well and walked out the door. And he moved on to the next one. His first inclination was to reject the gift. It would only serve to remind him of her. But as he stared at the picture of his family on the shelf over the terminal, he thought of the dogs he had had as a boy. He thought of Charlie and his scampering feet clicking along. He thought of the warm little ball of fur that crawled into his lap demanding attention. Something to keep him from withdrawing into himself completely. He clicked the link and confirmed the appointment.
***** No one spoke to him at work the next day beyond pleasantries. No one but Robert, Aaron and Tim, who all found reasons to be in the recovery unit at some point during the day. He told Robert about the message from Caroline. He simply nodded. “I know, Shay told me.” James snorted, “Is there anything that woman doesn’t know?” Robert grinned. “Very damned little. But she made Rebecca tell her what the vet wanted before she’d tell you to read it. No way was she opening you up to some tirade.” James gave a halfhearted smile. “Tell her thank you, will you? For watching my back and for last night’s dinner. Soy tastes better when you don’t eat it alone.” Robert had chuckled and left. James made it to the Veterinary Services Center with just a minute to spare on his appointment time. A tech took his name and buzzed back to tell Caroline he was here. She appeared at the door quickly and without saying a word led him back, not to the whelping room where he and Leah had seen the pups previously but down a corridor to her office. A large box with the six pups sat on the floor. Once inside, Caroline shut the door and finally spoke. “Choose the one you want so I can get it chipped.” “Fine, thank you,” James said, scowling at her, “and how are you? You look well.”
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He expected her to lash at him with a snotty reply but she didn’t. Instead he saw her eyes dart to the door that led to a back corridor. “Just pick one.” Her voice was tense and she was twisting her ID band in a circle around her wrist. James crouched down and picked up the male he had played with just last week. It was still small, its eyes still closed. He wasn’t Charlie’s dark reddish-brown but had a black and tan pattern that reminded James of a small bear. When he lifted him up under his chin, the small dog began to root about in the hair of his beard trying to find a place to feed. The cold nose tickled as it brushed against his skin. “Since that’s the same one you held last time, I take it we have a winner?” Caroline said, one eyebrow lifting. He couldn’t tell if she were amused or peeved. “You remember which one I held?” “I remember a lot of things,” she said flatly. “What’s that supposed to mean?” James stood up still holding the little pup his mind had already named Sam. “Nothing,” she said stiffly. “Bullshit, say what you have to say.” He glared at her. “Look, I promised I’d be polite. I won’t let you goad me into breaking that promise.” Her lips pressed tight. “Just tell me one thing.” James watched her face carefully. “Exactly who do you think rejected whom in this?” Her face turned a bright red and her eyes flashed. “How dare you?! You saw what that lie did to her and you’d use it against her?” She shook her head. “God if I hadn’t promised Leah I’d be nice. If I hadn’t promised Kevin that I’d…” Her voice trailed off and she turned away. “Promised Kevin what?” James felt his heart pound. What did Kevin have to do with this? “Is that the one you want?” She stepped forward. James eyed her for a moment then nodded. “Yes.” He relinquished the pup when she reached for it. She took it to her desk and placed a small bright blue plastic strip around the animal’s neck, then placed it back in the box. “I’ll call a tech to chip it in a few minutes.” She reached into her pocket and pulled out a small tool that looked like a cross between a miniature drill and a socket wrench. She reached for his hand. He jerked away from her. “What the hell is going on?” She looked back to the same door she had glanced at earlier. Her voice was a harried whisper, “Be quiet! I told you I promised Leah I’d be nice. I’m not going to hurt you no matter how much I want to.” She grabbed his arm and placed the device against his ID band. To his shock the band opened and slipped from his wrist into her hands. “This stays here, I’ll put it back on when you’re done. Put your hand in your pocket and don’t take it out.” “Why? Done with what?” James glared at her suspiciously. 179
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“Do you care anything about Leah at all?” she shot back. “Did you have any feelings for her at any time?” James nodded mutely. “Then do as I say,” she walked to the door and cracked it open. After looking both ways she motioned to him to come over. “See that door at the end of the hall, the one marked x-ray?” James nodded again. “Keep your hand in your pocket and head straight for it. Don’t walk too fast but don’t meander. Ignore everyone around you and just keep going. Once you reach it, go in and close the door. There are no cameras in there. Come straight back the same way when it’s over.” Caroline checked the hall again and before he could question her further, she shoved him into the corridor and shut the door behind him. He heard it click as she engaged the lock. He hesitated. His mind screamed at him to turn and walk away, to report her for doing the unthinkable and removing his ID band. But a bigger part of him wanted to know what lay at the end of this hall. He moved toward the door and reached it in only a few steps. The hall was still empty when he pushed the door open, stepped inside and closed it behind him. The room wasn’t dark but it was dimly enough lit after the lights of the hallway to make him blink rapidly and struggle to see clearly. “Lock it,” the voice said softly from directly in front of him. Sitting on the table, legs dangling over the edge, was Kevin. “Lock the door, James. Neither of us wants this conversation interrupted.” James reached behind him and locked the door. He searched the room for signs of the other men. He had a sudden and hopefully irrational, fear he’d just walked into some sort of trap. An ambush. Kevin watched his face carefully. James tried to read the look in the dark brown eyes but couldn’t. He wished for just a modicum of Leah’s ability to understand others, to seem to know what they thought. After letting him stand there in silence a moment, Kevin spoke. “Come on in, James. No one is going to hurt you. There’s no one to hurt you. It’s just you and me and I’m sure you could kick the computer geek’s ass if you wanted to.” Something about the wry humorless voice actually made him relax. James stepped toward him. “What do you want Kevin?” “The question here James, is what do you want?” “World peace.” A slight curve reached the corner of Kevin’s mouth. “You know James, if I didn’t hate you, I just might actually like you.” “Gee thanks.”
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Kevin reached into his pocket and James tensed. He pulled out something James recognized immediately. The note he’d left on the plate for Leah. “Where the hell did you get that?” He couldn’t say if he were more angry or embarrassed as he remembered what the paper said. “Oh, let me guess. Leah showed you. I’m certain you all had one fine laugh at my expense.” Kevin looked at him, all amusement gone from his face. “I’m not laughing James. And for the record, Leah’s never seen this. I didn’t dare show her until I understood it.” “It’s not hard.” James felt his face flushing. “It’s in English and doesn’t use too many big words.” The curl returned to the man’s lips. “True. What I don’t understand is why you would write this? Did she see it before you left for your appointment? Did you show it to her?” “Why should I tell you?” James snarled at him. “Because if this means what I think it means, you’re going to need my help,” Kevin slid off the table and leaned back against it. “So once more, did she see this?” “No.” “Why did you write it if you were going to reject her?” Kevin’s eyes fixed on his and the penetrating gaze only added to the insult of the words. “I didn’t fucking reject her.” James caught himself. He lowered his voice. “I didn’t reject her. I know you’re the last one to believe me but I didn’t.” “I believe you.” Kevin said simply. “What?” James stared at him incredulously. “Your locks haven’t been tampered with have they?” “No.” “Any credits gone missing from your account?” “No.” “You got your mother’s combs back, right?” “Yes.” James narrowed his eyes. “What did that have to do with you?” “Who do you think threatened to tell Leah if Stephen didn’t deliver them nicely instead of dropping them down an incinerator shaft?” Kevin stuffed one hand into the pocket of his leather jacket. “Why do you believe me?” James asked. A wave of relief was washing through him. Someone accepted he hadn’t hurt her. Someone believed him. “Because of this,” Kevin held the note up. “A man doesn’t write something like this to a woman he doesn’t love unless he’s one cruel ass bastard. And a cruel ass bastard would have made sure she’d seen it.” James felt the tension fall out of his shoulders. “So you believe Leah rejected me?” “No.” Kevin pushed away from the table.
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“What do you mean no?” James shook his head in disgust. “James, Leah didn’t reject you.” There wasn’t an ounce of doubt in the man’s voice or face. “Kevin if I didn’t reject her and she didn’t reject me, what other option is there?” “Think about it,” Kevin said softly. “You’re a bright boy, you’ll figure it out.” James shook his head again. “They said it was her job.” “Her job?” It was now the auburn-haired man who stared in surprise. “What do you mean her job?” James recounted the conversation with his life guide, gulping nervously as he related what Harrison had said about each of the men, Kevin in particular. A hard look moved over the soft boyish face, as James spoke about his sister. “I thought it might be something like this,” the younger man’s voice shook slightly when he spoke. He lifted his eyes to meet James’ gaze. “James, I’m telling you, if they are using Leah like this, she doesn’t know it.” James shook his head. He wanted to believe it. He wanted to trust this was true. “James, ever heard of the Law of Parsimony?” “What?” James looked at him as if he were crazy. “The law of what?” “Bear with me here, William Occam set forth a theory called Occam’s Razor. The theory is, simply put, that simplicity is usually the right answer. The simplest theory is usually the right one. Which is simpler here, James? That the blessed Committee and its life guides, who we all know screw us over every chance they get, are manipulating all our lives with their little breeding and family planning program or that Leah manages to spend three months with each of the men she meets on some sort of elaborate mission to persuade them to heal the wounded souls they hide, rejecting her chances for happiness to give them a future with someone else. She memorizes our files and learns all our little tics, quirks and kinks. She convinces you that she loves you and that you love her. She even goes so far as to sleep with you so that she can further some ’greater good’ bullshit for the Committee.” Kevin met his eyes. “She didn’t sleep with any of the rest of us, James. She was nothing more than a sister or friend to all of us, except you and Jason. Both of the men she professed to have cared for and even loved. Both men who the records say rejected her.” Kevin pulled a larger version of the data reader from his pocket and slipped a small blue disk into the external drive on one side. It looked more like the handheld units James used at work, only more streamlined. Kevin caught his eyes. “When you’re the one they count on to keep the networks running, you get all the bells and whistles.” He tapped the screen and then handed it to James. Leah’s file was on the screen. The same file James had looked at in Harrison’s office. “Open your folder, James. The one for you and Leah.”
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James tapped the icon and the picture of Leah and him, along with text data, appeared. He stared at her face. The sight of her smile, of her in his arms, made him want to cry out. He wanted her back. God, how he wanted her back. “Do you see?” Kevin inclined his head toward the glorified data reader. James shook his head and let his eye scroll down the text. The words stopped his breath. Assignment 7, Rejected by Edwards, James David. “But I didn’t,” James shook his head and stared at Kevin. “I swear on my life, Kevin, I didn’t reject her.” “I know.” The man’s face held the real sympathy his life guide had feigned a few days ago. He took the device from James’ hand and tapped at it. When Kevin handed it back, James saw his own file. The same picture showed on the screen, he scrolled down the text to the assignment results. Leah Assignment completed successfully. “Where the hell did you get this? What does it mean ‘Leah’ assignment completed successfully?’” James didn’t really expect Kevin to answer but he did. “Where I got it? It was given to me by someone I’d rather not identify. Let’s just say that not everyone involved in this situation is happy with the outcome.” He paused and looked away from James. “As to what the hell that last bit means, I have no idea.” “I have to see Leah,” James stepped closer to Kevin. “I have to see her, Kevin.” The other man studied him for a moment. “And if I help you, what if she says it’s true? That she was only helping you and doesn’t want to see you again?” James swallowed hard. “Then I thank her for what she’s done and I walk away.” Kevin was still watching him, his eyes boring into him. “And if she says she loves you and this is all some big-ass plot?” James’ face became hard. “Then I start ripping this place apart until I find a way to get her back.” Kevin ran a hand through his hair. “Let me think about this. There has to be a way to do this without risking anyone. You can’t just walk up to her, you know.” He frowned. “Give me a couple of days. I’ll figure something out. Just don’t go do anything stupid.” “Kevin.” James needed his help but Kevin was right, there was a risk involved. “I can’t ask you to risk yourself. If this is what you’re suggesting, if this is something the Committee has orchestrated, this is going to piss someone off.” Kevin’s frown disappeared and a broad wicked smile took its place. “James, you don’t know me very well. I live to piss off the Committee.”
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Chapter Twenty-Four It had been two days and James hadn’t heard from Kevin. He paced the floor of his residence in agitation. He’d reported himself as ill this morning and not gone to work. Yesterday had proven impossible for him. He’d not been able to concentrate as he usually did and the hours he’d been forced to leave his data reader in his locker while he assisted in surgery had been torment. He felt bad about it, hated inconveniencing anyone else. There were other nurses who worked the shift and rotation with him, so they’d be fine he told himself. The worst part was he was enough of a control freak that he didn’t like the idea of anyone taking his patients, working in his place. He was a professional and this damned situation was making him feel rotten in the only part of his life that wasn’t being turned upside down. He took a deep breath and told himself again, it would be fine. He on the other hand was not fine. He’d begun to wonder if Kevin had been jerking him around. Or worse, if Kevin really was serious about helping him, was it Leah who was stopping it? Did she really not want to see him? Either way he needed to see her. If she really didn’t want him, fine but he had to hear it from her. He knew himself too well. If he didn’t hear this from her, he’d never be able to let it go. He had to see her. But there was something worse gnawing at him. It was what kept him tossing and turning, what made him ache deeper than he’d ever hurt before. What if Kevin was right? What if his heart was right? What if she hadn’t rejected him? What if his Leah thought he had rejected her? He stopped pacing and closed his eyes. He’d seen her face, her pain, the night she told him about Jason. Did she cry like that for him? Did she lie on her bed in the sterile maidel house and wonder why? Had she spoken the same words he had? “Why James? Why?” His throat felt thick, as if something had lodged in it. He remembered her words when he’d plucked up the nerve to ask about the other man. “I cared deeply for him, James. I had never felt that way about anyone so I thought it must be love. Maybe I did love him in a way. But what I feel for you is so much more, not just stronger, more. If I had felt this first, I don’t think I’d have ever called the other feeling love.” He was also starting to seriously entertain the fact that the other man hadn’t been lying either, that they had done this to her before. Harrison had said it, “Her own happiness has been sacrificed over and over to help others.” God help Harrison if he discovered this was a lie. He’d wring the man’s neck. He had to find a place and a time to see her. If only for a few moments, just long enough to tell her the truth, tell her he hadn’t rejected her and that he was trying to find a way to work this out. He ran his hand through his hair and glanced down at the time
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display on his ID band. Something ticked in his head. An hour from now she’d be reporting for her fitness session. Even if someone did see him, even if someone did find him close to her he’d have a dozen places he could claim he was actually going. The fitness center was off the central hub. He’d waited for her once at a small coffee bar nearby. It would be crowded and full of people. If he could catch her for a minute, just long enough to tell her. Maybe close enough to catch her eye. Would she be able to read what he felt as she seemed to so often? James spun on his heel and headed out the door before he could think too much about this. Kevin had told him to wait, to not do anything stupid but if Leah was hurting, he couldn’t just do nothing. He started to walk the distance but stopped. “Okay, ol’ boy,” he muttered under his breath. “Don’t look like you’re in such a hurry.” He stood impatiently at the trolley station. The damned things had always been slow but today it seemed as if they moved infinitely slower. Forty minutes later he was sitting on a stool at a coffee bar near the fitness center. He was watching the crowd, trying to guess what direction she would approach from. The Education Center was to his left but she should still be on break. The maidel house was to the right but she might not be there. He nursed the coffee, which had way too much cream and sugar, not to mention it was powdered cream. He smiled sadly as he remembered Leah mixing the powdered milk and water with the creamer powder. It made it a bit thicker and was closer to real cream. That ugly damned cow. He actually missed the stupid thing. He’d begun to think she wasn’t coming that day when he saw her. She had her hair pulled back and was carrying her bag. Her face was pale and there were dark circles under her eyes. She looked as if she’d recently been crying. His heart sank and soared at the same time. This didn’t look like a woman who had rejected her last assignment and was eager for the next. He’d just catch her arm, just look into her eyes and tell her it was all a mistake. “I didn’t reject you, darlin’. It’s a mistake we’ll fix it.” He started to rise and felt a strong hand on his shoulder pushing him back down. “Don’t,” the low voice said quietly. A figure stepped in front of him, blocking his view of her and subsequently her view of him. The blonde woman had a short, no-nonsense cut to her hair and wore the grey polo with the Public Safety Liaison logo on the chest. “Just sit there quietly for a minute, Mr. Edwards. Be a good boy and don’t make this go badly for yourself or for her.” Cold fear raced up his spine. He turned to look over his shoulder and saw the man standing there. He was big with short cropped black hair and deep brown eyes. Big, with a chest that looked like he bench-pressed trolleys. After several uncomfortable seconds the man nodded at the woman. “Stand up Mr. Edwards. Let’s do this as nicely as we can.” His heart pounding, he stood up. One on either side of him, they walked him back through the small café and out the kitchen door. It opened onto a service corridor. Several men and women in uniforms that identified them as maintenance workers or 185
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transport staff were moving through the area. The two liaison officers led James to a small electric cart that looked like something off a golf course in the Before Time. He stood staring at it. “Get in,” the man gave his shoulder a not-so-gentle push. He climbed in and the woman followed him. She opened a compartment between the seats and took out a long plastic band. “Give me your hands, Mr. Edwards.” “You’re joking?” James pulled back as she reached for him. “You are not seriously going to restrain me? For having coffee?” “For stalking,” was her curt reply. “I was not stalking.” She exchanged a look with her partner that said, “Right.” The man stepped up beside James. “Mr. Edwards, give her your hands. Don’t make this ugly.” “You’re about to handcuff me for sitting in the wrong place and I’m making it ugly?” James was doing his best to swallow both his fear and his anger. Losing it was not going to help. He saw the man reach for the black box on his belt. Those damned ray guns. He didn’t remove it but simply rested his hand on it and stared at James pointedly. “This can get a lot more unpleasant if you want it to.” James didn’t pull away this time as the woman slipped the band around his wrist and pushed it through the tabbed opening in the center and pulled it tight. Not too tight, he had to admit, but no way was he sliding out. Once she fastened the other side and his hands were effectively stilled in his lap, the big man climbed behind the wheel and started the cart. James couldn’t believe this. He’d broken a rule, yes but he hadn’t hurt anyone, hadn’t even threatened anyone. Yet he was sitting here with his hands cuffed. The woman reached down and pulled a jacket from under the seat. She draped it across his lap, hiding the restraints. James looked at her but she didn’t meet his eye. He wasn’t sure who she was protecting with this charade. His heart was hammering in his chest and he was struggling to keep his breathing regular. No way was he letting the Keystone Kops know he was scared. Kevin was going to kill him. Or laugh himself silly. The cart wound through the gray and featureless passageway. He had no idea where they were. He felt the woman next to him stiffen slightly and saw her touch a place behind her ear. “Yes sir,” she spoke to no one. She leaned up toward the man driving. “Did you get that?” “I got it.” His tone of voice made it clear he didn’t like whatever “that” was. “What’s going on?” James demanded. “Look,” the woman turned to him impatiently. “Just sit still and shut up. We’ll be there in a minute and I’m sure someone will answer all your questions.” 186
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“They may even listen to his lame-ass excuses,” the big man muttered. “Holt,” the woman said warningly. “Special privileges piss me off, Baker.” “Cut it, Sergeant. That’s enough.” Neither said anything more until the cart stopped outside a doorway that looked just like all the other doors they had been passing for the ten minutes. As he stepped out, he could feel the metallic taste of adrenalin rising in the back of his throat. This wouldn’t be the first time he’d landed in jail. He’d let himself be talked into pitching stones at the windows of an abandoned old house in his neighborhood when he was fifteen. The police had not been understanding but one look at his father’s face and he wanted to beg them to stay with them. His father had paid for the windows. But his father wouldn’t be here to bail him out this time. The woman adjusted the jacket so it hung over his hands, continuing to hide the plastic bands that were becoming more and more uncomfortable as he sweated under them and they rubbed at his wrists. The officers escorted him through the door, down a short hall and around a corner. “Where are we?” James asked the woman. She’d been much more willing to answer his questions. The man snorted impatiently. James looked carefully at the sterile grey walls and the empty corridor. Suddenly a young woman walked out of one door, paused and looked at them then headed quickly into another. His eyes widened. It was the receptionist who worked at Harrison’s office. Suddenly he recognized the hall with its bland watercolor pictures and plastic plants. He was in the hall that led to Harrison’s office, only he was approaching from the opposite direction. The door opened again and he saw the woman dart out quickly and his life guide step into the hallway. His face was grim and angry as he stared at James for a moment before approaching them. He glared at James. When he spoke it was to the two liaison officers. “Tell me he’s not restrained.” “It’s procedure, sir.” Baker pulled the jacket away and revealed his hands. Harrison’s face reddened and he was clenching his teeth so hard he was difficult to understand when he spoke. “Get those off him.” “But sir, he broke the stalking code. He was waiting for her outside her fitness center.” The big man’s voice was as strained as the life guide’s. “The restraints are supposed to stay on until he gets into holding.” The woman frowned at her partner. “We’ll just need verification, sir.” Baker’s voice was calm and unflustered. “He’s not going to holding, get those off of him,” Harrison pulled something from his pocket and flashed it at the two Liaison Officers. “Does this clear it up for you?” “You’re on the Committee?” James stared at the little man dumbfounded.
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“Are you always this slow?” Holt muttered as he pulled a pair of wire cutters from his pocket and cut the bands loose. James rubbed his wrists and glared at the man. The fear had abated into anger once he realized he wasn’t actually being arrested. Harrison on the Committee. Of course some little brown-nosing idiot like him would be. “Your code, sir,” the woman asked. “For the report?” “In my office.” The smaller man jerked his head at James. Something stubborn inside him reared its head. He stayed put. Harrison snorted in disgust, “This is your whole problem James. Stubborn, pig-headed, obstinate and a general pain in my ass.” The female officer was frowning at the exchange but the big man was looking at Harrison as if he might not be a complete idiot. The life guide took the data reader from her hand and entered his code. He returned it to her and turned toward his office without looking back. James weighed the possibility of just walking out the door but the fact that the Liaison Officers were still standing there, obviously waiting for him to comply, made his mind up for him. Harrison stood at the door and waited for him to pass through. Once the door closed, the life guide walked to his desk, bent over his monitor and quickly entered some sort of information. He then stood up and faced James. “What am I going to do with you?” he frowned, sounding very much like an angry father faced with an incorrigible son. “Why can’t you just do what you’re told? Just follow the rules?” James held his gaze and refused to speak. Any lie he might have told about the situation died on his lips as he realized no one was going to buy it. He’d always been a less than stellar liar in the first place and this man knew all too well how desperate he’d been to see Leah again. “You couldn’t leave well enough alone,” Harrison was pacing back and forth behind his desk. “You had to do this. You had to be the one who screws this up. I put my credibility on the line for you and you blow it.” He stopped pacing when a chime sounded from his terminal. Pressing a button his face paled and hardened as he read the message. He looked up at James, anger faded away to a disgusted resignation. “Nice work. You’ve now managed to move this out of my hands. They’ll be here in a minute to deal with you.” “Who will be here in a minute?” James felt the tightening in his chest. He didn’t need to be Leah to see the anxiety that lay beneath the life guide’s flustering and anger. Harrison simply glared at him and refused to answer. Five minutes passed in silence with the smaller man resuming his pacing, muttering under his breath about James’ arrogance and foolishness. The unknown that would walk through that door kept James on his feet and his tongue stilled. Whatever was happening, Harrison was just as scared as he was. A sharp rap on the door was followed by its being pushed open, the person on the other side not waiting to be invited. Contrary to the image James had been entertaining 188
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involving several men bearing a striking resemblance to the Liaison Officer storming in to “deal” with him, the reality was anti-climactic. The man who stepped through the door was average in height and above average in girth. He nodded to James pleasantly as he stepped around him and seated himself in the life guide’s chair. The balding head shone with reflected light and the placid, heavy jowled face looked calmly up at him. “Hello, Mr. Edwards. My but you’ve certainly been making Harrison earn his credits.” Despite the seeming levity of the words, there was no humor, or even reprimand in the tone. It seemed a simple statement of fact. James swallowed nervously and stared into the watery blue eyes behind the thicklensed glasses. “Sit down, James. No one is going to hurt you.” He jumped at the voice that had come from behind him. Spinning around he saw a small-black haired man with fair skin and bright green eyes smiling at him from where he sat, feet in the seat of an armchair, balancing on the back of it. James’ eyes widened. He had not seen the man enter the room. He was certain of it because he recognized him instantly. It was the same man he’d seen Remembrance Day, standing in the shadows. The same man who had met his eye and then vanished. The smile on the small round face gave the man an elfin appearance. The lazy insolence James had noticed the first day was still present, combined with his glittering eyes and the ease of his posture. Looking at him you felt as if he knew a secret, one he was enjoying immensely. “Go on,” he gestured to the seat in front of the desk. “No one is going to hurt you. You are not going to suddenly disappear only to have your bones found in the ductwork decades from now. You’re not going to find yourself chained in some secret slave labor in the bowels of Sanctuary, or subjected to bizarre experiments. You’ve seen too many movies James. That’s not how this is going to work. I wouldn’t allow it. The only thing sinister about the Committee and Sanctuary is how they never seem to run out of red tape for you to fight your way through.” James stared at him, astonished. He hadn’t even formed those thoughts but they were familiar images floating in his mind. There had been something ominous about the whole thing to him from the beginning. He heard a huffing sound from Harrison and turned. The man was looking warily at the newcomer and edging closer to the man behind the desk. For his part, the older man simply lifted an eyebrow in censure before he turned to James and gestured to the chair. “Do sit down, Mr. Edwards. My friend is quite right. You are not in any danger.” James slipped into the chair and stared at the man. He was obviously the one in charge, so it stood to reason he was either about to get dressed down thoroughly and threatened with serious repercussions if he didn’t behave, or just maybe he was going to get some answers. “Answers,” a voice whispered in his ear. He jerked his head around to find the dark man leaning down next to him. “But remember the old adage James, ‘Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it’.”
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“Thank you, Gailen, that was astoundingly helpful,” the older man wore a twisted expression that was both amusement and condemnation, yet neither. “James, I hope I can call you James, I’m William and this is Gailen. We understand you are having a difficult time accepting the outcome of your latest assignment and we’re here to help with that.” The dark man snorted in derisive amusement and moved away to stand by the light panel on one wall. James watched him carefully. Those eyes. He didn’t need to be hit over the head to know where he’d seen eyes like that before. Leah. Slowly he turned back to the older man. “I happen to know, William,” he said, letting the name slide off his tongue dripping with sarcasm. Why was it no one around here had last names? “That my last assignment didn’t go quite the way the computer said it did. Leah Bradley did not reject me and I did not reject her. Since Harrison is unwilling to explain this, perhaps you can.” “I assure you James, nothing in the computer record was fabricated by Harrison. No one had undertaken any plot to separate you and Ms. Bradley,” William began smoothly. He was lying and James knew it. Anger replaced his fear as he rose to his feet. “Then you want to explain to me why her file says I rejected her when I know for a fact I didn’t? Why my file says I’ve completed my ’Leah assignment’ successfully? And what the hell Harrison meant when he said it was her job to ’fix’ me?” The tic in the side of the older man’s face was the only visible sign anything James said registered with him. He slowly turned his head to stare at Harrison. And stare. The life guide looked away and started to sputter, “He was demanding answers. I thought a bit of the truth would satisfy him.” The hazel eyes were filled with apprehension when they rose to meet the blue ones. “But I didn’t show him her file or tell him about the Leah assignments.” Gailen’s snort of laughter came on the tail of the man’s words. “No but you just confirmed it all for him now.” “James,” William turned his face away from Harrison, “I’m not sure how you obtained this information, information I would have dismissed as ridiculous,” he stared pointedly at Gailen who shrugged unconcernedly. “He doesn’t know where it came from, either. Someone he thinks of as a computer geek showed it to him.” Shit, James thought. That was twice now the man had spoken a half formed thought in his mind. He’d take Leah at her spookiest. At least she didn’t seem to actually read his mind. “No I can’t read your mind,” Gailen grinned at him, “well, not exactly. I get images, snippets of thoughts or conversations. Besides, even if I did know who told you, I wouldn’t tell them.”
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“I told you he’d be no help,” Harrison blurted out from behind the chair William sat in. “He’s only here to protect her.” The large man frowned at him. “Thank you for that observation, Harrison.” He turned his eyes back to James. “Sit down James. I’m going to explain this to you in a way you will understand. You see, all of this, everything that’s been done has been done for two reasons.” James resumed his seat. His heart was pounding now, worse than when the restraints had been placed on his hands. He was going to get answers. But did he really want the answers? What if the truth was worse than anything he’d imagined? What if Gailen was right? What if getting what you wished for was the worst thing that could happen to you? Steepling his fingers before him, the balding man began in a slow smooth voice. “James, it’s simple actually. The purpose of our Family Unit Development Program is to build healthy and happy families. To bring together a mother and a father, then later children, who will enrich our society and keep humanity productive and ready to face the challenges of the future.” James rolled his eyes. The man was talking like one of those damned propaganda vids they had been shown during orientation. Sanctuary is wonderful. The Committee is wonderful. You know nothing about the best way to run your life. We know it all. Do as we say or all of humanity will perish into extinction and it will be all your fault. A soft chuckle came from the black-haired man behind him and James fought the urge to turn and look at him. He kept his eyes fixed on the man before him. “To do that,” he continued, “we needed healthy adults, physically, emotionally and spiritually, to be the cornerstones of those families. Unfortunately, some of the people who came to us here at Sanctuary had emotional scars that would have prevented them from functioning as a solid foundation of a family unit. We needed a way to fix that. True we’ve used counseling and psychotherapeutic techniques but we needed something else.” The man paused as if he expected an interruption, when none came he continued. “Are you familiar with the Bible, James?” “I know what it is, if that’s what you’re asking.” James frowned at him. What the hell did any of this have to do with the Bible? A funny fluttering started in his stomach. A lot of attention was paid to spirituality at Sanctuary, all the world religions were represented and had places of worship. But what did any of this have to do with the Bible? “The Old Testament tells the story of Jacob, do you know it?” Irritation and impatience were starting to stir the anger inside him. “Jacob, son of Isaac. Stole his brother’s birthright, married Rachel, father of the twelve tribes of Israel. Yeah, I went to catechism class with the rest of the kids. What the hell does this have to do with anything?”
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A light flickered in the older man’s eyes. “Married to Rachel, yes. But also married to Leah.” James simply stared at him. The man said these words as if they were significant, as if they explained something. All he could do was shake his head. Faint disappointment filled the man’s face. “James, Jacob was tricked into marrying Rachel’s older sister Leah. He later married Rachel as well. But it was Leah who taught him how to be a husband. It was with Leah he made his mistakes, learned his lessons on fatherhood and being a husband. Rachel then reaped the benefits of this.” James couldn’t believe what he was hearing. This had to be the most convoluted version of the story he’d ever been subjected to. He’d heard the story of Leah, Rachel and Jacob used to justify everything from polygamy to adultery to surrogate motherhood to socialism, but he’d never heard it twisted in quite this way. He almost missed the next words the man spoke. “Some of the women who came to us here in Sanctuary have a special gift. In truth James, they didn’t just come to us, we sought them out. They seem to be able to reach inside others and bring out the best in them. They’ve become an important part of our Family Unit Development Program, James. They are our Leahs. As Leah in the Bible was the unwanted wife who prepared the way for the true wife, Rachel, they come first into the lives of selected men. They are assigned to a man who is very gifted and has great potential but is somehow blocked from developing solid relationships. Their special gifts let them reach those men. Because of their unique talents they heal them, prepare them to be the husbands and partners they could be for their true matches. “Your Leah is perhaps the most gifted of them all. We tried to discourage Harrison from pairing her with you. Our psychologists said you were too damaged emotionally and that you should be allowed to run through your ten assignments and then be used just to train new nursing candidates. But your life guide fought for you James. He believed in you. He petitioned for your Leah and convinced her life guide, the Committee, Gailen and myself, that you deserved the chance. So you got your Leah assignment. And by all reports, Harrison was right. I congratulate you both.” The man’s words whirled in James’ head. They are our Leahs… Their special gifts let them reach those men… Our psychologists said you were too damaged… Used just to train new nursing candidates… Your life guide fought for you James. He believed in you… I congratulate you both. “You congratulate us?” James lifted his eyes to the look at Harrison. Harrison had done this out of some sort of compassion for him? Had the little toad actually thought he was doing something good for James? He moved his eyes back to William. The man still sat there calmly, watching his face. James shook his head to try and clear it. “You used her. You used her as some sort of instrument to heal people? You used Leah?” The resentment was growing inside him. He felt all the protective instincts inside him start to roar. They had done this to
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Leah on purpose. They had hurt her. They had made her cry, broken her heart. He felt himself start to shake. “James, before you go off half-cocked, remember, it was her job. This is her role in life. Just like the original Leah.” Harrison was holding one hand up as if he could use it to stop the tide of fury that was building in the man before him. “All of them?” James asked no one in particular, the words more rhetorical than true questions. “Each time she’s been assigned it has been to fix someone?” “Yes.” William’s passive voice was starting to grate on his nerves. He looked at Harrison. “Jason didn’t reject her did he?” “No,” the man admitted readily. “It gave the Committee quite a turn. No one had ever fallen for their Leah before. I mean, well, look at them. But she was his Leah, we couldn’t allow it. So he was told she rejected him and we assigned him out of the quadrant.” These men had hurt her. They were responsible for the torment he had endured these last days and for the pain he knew she had suffered. James rose to his feet. His jaw was clenched so hard his teeth ground together. His fists held so tightly they ached. He took a step toward the desk and felt a hand on his arm. It was light and gentle but strong. “Don’t my friend. I know what you’re feeling but that’s not the way to handle this.” He turned and saw the green eyes very close to his own. They swirled and changed shade just like his Leah’s did. Just like his Leah. The words took on a whole new meaning now. The man broke his thoughts when he spoke again, softly, “This is not the way to help her. You know that.” The rage seemed to drain from him as he watched the small round face, felt the grip ease on his arm. Gailen smiled at him reassuringly and stepped back, releasing him. James turned to face the two men. “This stops now.” His voice wavered but there was no mistaking the strength of his conviction. From the reactions on the two men’s faces, he knew they understood he was serious. “It stops now.” “And what exactly do you think you are going to achieve here today, James,” the heavyset man leaned back in the desk chair and it creaked loudly. “You are going to fix this.” James again stepped toward the desk, this time no one stopped him. “You are going to give Leah and me the permanent assignment. You are going to put us together where we belong.” “And if we don’t?” The man’s voice still had not changed from its calm assurance, the assurance of a man who knew that in the end he would have his way. “Ah, let me guess, you’ll tell everyone what we’re up to, right?” “You bet your ass I will,” James growled. “I don’t think that would be a wise idea in the long run and I think you’ll agree once you know the whole truth. I told you there were two reasons.” The man leaned forward and rested his index fingers on either side of his nose, lifting his glasses
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slightly. He looked past James to where Gailen sat, again perched on the back of the chair. “So he wants permanent assignment to her? It could solve that problem we were discussing about what to do with her once she reached ten.” James turned to see Gailen merely shrug. “You’d truly want to be with her?” “Yes, for the rest of my life.” James didn’t miss a beat with his answer. “You really think yourself in love with her?” Gailen asked softly. “No.” James looked directly into the man’s eyes. “I know I’m in love with her and that she’s in love with me.” “Oh for Heaven’s sake, this is ridiculous. She’s a tool. You don’t partner someone to a hammer.” Harrison couldn’t hold it in any longer. James turned to see the look of revulsion and disgust on the man’s face. “Harrison, I suggest you shut up,” William said carefully. “Damn it William, you can’t do this to him.” “It does seem to be what he wants.” The older man was watching his face. James was watching Harrison. The man looked as if he’d be sick. “It’s disgusting. For the love of God, man, she’s not even human.”
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Chapter Twenty-Five For the love of God man, she’s not even human. The words floated in James’ brain like a bubble on the breeze, refusing to land. Then bubble burst and the implication slammed into him at the same moment Harrison slammed into the back wall of the office and landed on the floor with a thud. James hadn’t seen the man move but Gailen was now standing over Harrison. His eyes burned like emerald flames, dancing and snapping as if they barely contained the fury that was brewing and building. The small man’s face was no longer placid or easy. It was no longer round and teasing. It was dark and angular, a twisted sneer revealing a hint of teeth as if in threat to the man lying beneath him. The life guide was terrified. So was James. No human being moved like that. She’s not even human. The comment suddenly didn’t sound so ludicrous. Gailen’s seeing his thoughts had disturbed him but after three months of Leah, it hadn’t unsettled him as much as this. The man who didn’t look as if he could physically best a small child, now stood over the life guide glaring menacingly at him. “You be speakin’ about her like that ag’in and all bets are off. I’ll forget ev’r promise I ev’r made.” There was no mirth or ease in the voice. It was the most threatening thing James had ever heard, in part because it had changed so drastically. The voice was higher than it had been, the Americanized speech gone and in its place a brogue of unidentifiable origin. Even the cadence had changed. The balding man finally looked moved. His eyes watched Gailen warily but when he spoke it was with the same assurance and calm. “That was less than helpful, Gailen.” Harrison scrambled to his feet, placing William between him and the black-haired man. “Animal,” spit the life guide, regaining some composure with the wall of flesh between them. James waited for Gailen to erupt again but instead he laughed. His voice sounding just as it had before, lower and faintly American, he sniffed dismissively. “Sniveling little twit.” He turned and looked at James, searching the amber eyes for something. “I’m sorry about that. I have little to no temper usually.” He glared at Harrison briefly and then glanced back at James. “But my children are my children, James. As a father you can understand that.” “Your children?” James stared hard at him. “You’re saying Leah is one of your children?” My God what was he and what did that make Leah? The amused and easy smile was back. “In a way yes, in a way no.” Slow careless strides took him back to the chair where he perched on the arm.
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“As I was saying,” William continued, his eyes rolling behind his glasses. “There are two reasons we do things as we do James. The first was to help people like you. The second is to protect those like Leah.” “What do you mean, ‘those like Leah’?” “James, the Unites States government has funded some interesting studies over the years. And they weren’t alone. During World War II Adolf Hitler consulted psychics and astrologers for signs, omens and dates most favorable for launching battles or invading small countries. The Allied forces experimented with remote viewing, the use of psychics to see places and people hundreds, even thousands, of miles away. They even had psychics trying to report the disaster on the USS Indianapolis, begging for help for the survivors only to be told no such incident had occurred, go away and don’t bother us.” William paused for a moment and seemed to be assessing his understanding. James’ patience was gone at this point. “What the hell does that have to do with anything? I wanna know what that bastard,” he pointed at Harrison, “meant when he said she wasn’t human and,” he spun to stare at Gailen, “just what the hell you are?” William continued his monologue as if James hadn’t spoken. “Up until the 1980s the US government continued to fund paranormal research into such things as UFOs, psychokinesis and all branches of what was called ESP. By the end of that decade such funding was impossible to hide or justify. So, the research was privatized.” “Oh for Mab’s sake,” Gailen snorted. “Would you just tell the poor man?” “In my own way.” William eyed the small man. “Trust me on this, he couldn’t handle it blurted out.” A wave of cold rushed over James’ skin, goose bumps forming on his skin, the hair on his arms standing up. His breathing was becoming shallower and his heart fluttered as it pounded. “What can’t I handle? Just tell me.” “James, part of the testing that was done included precursors to full genetic mapping. Some of the studies had already shown that these traits, this extra sensory perception if you will, could be tracked through families. Anecdotal evidence traced individuals with special ‘gifts’ back through several generations.” DNA? The words Access Denied blazed across his mind. Was this what they were hiding? Leah had some strange DNA sequencing? His brain grasped for some part of this that made sense. “Wait.” James held up his hand. “DNA testing wasn’t that advanced during the time you’re talking about.” “It was a lot more advanced than the general public knows but you’re right. It couldn’t have done then, what we can do now. But what it did was find something small, insignificant at first glance. There was an unusual combination of genetically controlled traits that surfaced in certain people, a certain look, a certain predisposition outside the norms of humanity. That was also when we began to search for those like Gailen, like Leah. The government stepped in and took over again. Not just the US government James, it was turned over to a group working inside the infrastructure of
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what was NATO. Everyone had a stake in this. No one knew just what it meant at first. But once we understood, once we cross-referenced mythology with science, we understood the implications. And everyone wanted to be the first to find a military use for it.” William looked over at Gailen. “A military use for what, damn you,” James growled. “Will you stop the bloody history lesson and tell me what this means.” “Leah is fey, James.” Gailen’s voice was soft. It carried with it an almost physical caress that eased his tension. He turned and watched the green eyes swirl as the man stepped close to him again. “I am fey. Leah is one of my children. A grandchild actually with more greats attached to it than even I can keep up with.” James couldn’t stop himself. He laughed. “Fey? Fairies? You are not seriously feeding me some crap story about fairies and wee folk to try to explain why you are destroying people’s lives.” “It’s true.” Harrison’s voice startled James. He’d almost forgotten the man was there. “They’re not human. Did you ever see a human move like him? Did you ever see a human with eyes like his?” James almost interrupted to say Leah’s eyes were very like this man’s. They didn’t jump and swirl with the same obviousness, the changes were more subtle as if they responded to her moods, to the moods of others but they were similar. Then he remembered that they were, in fact, telling him Leah was like this man. “I hate to admit it, given I loath the little…” Gailen seemed lost for the word. “Toad,” James supplied thoughtlessly. The black-haired man smiled. “Aye, toad.” The brogue slipped back for just a moment and was then gone. “But if you think about it James, you’ll see it’s the only answer.” James shook his head. “No, I’ll admit I’ve never seen the likes of you but no. Leah is human. God, do you think I wouldn’t know? I wouldn’t know if she were some…” “Freak of nature,” Harrison supplied nastily. He stepped back behind William as both James and Gailen glared angrily at him. “Harrison, I’d suggest you shut up,” William said softly. “You’ve now made me repeat myself. I won’t do it again. Next time I will let Gailen shut you up.” The blue eyes swept over James’ face. “Or James.” “No.” James shook his head and stepped away from the men toward the door. He needed to think for a moment. This was ridiculous. Fairies? Fey? It was utter crap. He repeated this last aloud. “We are real James and it’s exactly as we’ve wanted it—you not believing. We are a myth, a story that faded into the background. And with it we became free. Free to move among you, free to live our lives without hiding.” Gailen’s voice was wistful and laced with pain. “When your kind did believe in us, they hunted us, ‘Catch a fairy and make him grant your wish’.” James turned to see the face that spoke with such feeling. The man looked suddenly weary as he continued. “If the crops failed, we were blamed. If your cow died, we were blamed. Hell, James, if your baby was born ugly, we were 197
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blamed. To survive we had to disappear. So we slipped away into the mist until you forgot us, until your race grew too old for the stories of your youth.” “I’m not saying I believe this,” James qualified his next words. “But if you disappeared, why are you here?” A sad smile touched the round face. “Because we cannot stay away from you. Humans I mean. You delight us with your passions, your short lives burn up in a blaze. You are more alive in ways we can only dream of. You are filled with the greatest beauty that the world has ever produced, side by side with its greatest horrors. You are the ones who lure and enchant us, James. Not the other way around. You bind us to you, you bewitch us.” “Can you prove this?” James looked from Gailen to William. “Can you prove what you’re saying?” “You’ve all the proof you need, James.” Gailen shook his head and smiled. “You didn’t see me enter the room through the door, did you?” James’ eyes narrowed and he shook his head. “That’s because I didn’t. You didn’t see me cross the room to Harrison, did you?” Again James reluctantly shook his head. “That’s because I didn’t.” James’ head jerked up in astonishment and surprise as Gailen disappeared from his sight. He was not, however, surprised when he heard the voice behind him. “I move faster than a human, James. I move in ways a human can’t see or understand.” James turned slowly to face him. “I am fey, James. And, at some level, so is Leah.” James felt his knees go weak. He reached out and grabbed for the back of the chair. Gailen’s hand was instantly under his elbow and he was grateful for it as he found his way to the seat. This man wasn’t human. No part of him doubted that now. But if he accepted this, what did it mean for Leah? Did it mean they were saying… “Leah is one of my descendents, James. Not my only one by far. And I am not the only fey with human children. As I said, you enchant us all.” The man crouched down so he could look James in the eye. “Over five hundred years ago I knew a lovely Irish lass. Never had I seen a creature so enticing, so alive. I wooed her as a human man and lived with her. We had children and as she aged, I aged myself. I loved her as I had never loved before and have never loved since. When she died, I left. I hid myself away in our world until the pain eased. When I returned I found my children’s children scattered across the Isles. For half a millennia I have watched them. I followed them when they left their homes and scattered about the world. I could not walk away from them as some of my people did. Our blood mixes oddly with humans. It is both a curse and a blessing for them. It is unconscionable that they be left to flounder through the world.” Gailen turned a look on William that was less than pleasant, before returning his gaze to meet the tawny eyes. “And now, while the rest of the fey have hidden themselves in the mist again, waiting for the world to be reborn, I am here. Where my children are, James, I will always be.”
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A piece of James wanted to reach out to this man and clasp his shoulder. He understood the need to protect his children. “But Leah…” He couldn’t finish it. Fine, this man was fey but Leah… “James, think on it,” Gailen placed a hand on his arm. “She is different from anyone you know, is she not?” James nodded. Gailen smiled. “’Tis the fey in her, that makes her so.” Again his brogue peeked through. “No,” James’ assertion sounded weak to his own ears. “No, Leah’s not. She’s just not.” “She sees what you’re feeling, doesn’t she?” the voice again urged him to relax to trust. James nodded and looked down at his hands. “She’s empathic, James. Not like me but stronger than I’ve seen in generations. When I wasn’t looking her grandmother and grandfather married, two with traces of my blood in them, separated by hundreds of years and a hundred generations. The fey blood in her is very strong.” “It’s why she can do what she does, James.” William’s voice sounded as if he were reluctant to break into the conversation. “It’s how she can reach you, all of you.” No one spoke then. They left him to his reflections. James’ mind filled with all the moments Leah seemed to know what he was feeling, seemed to know the exact right thing to say or do. She knew when he needed her and when he needed to be left alone. She knew just when he needed to feel her put her arms around him and just how to reach him when he tried to pull back from her. And when they made love… The memory washed over James. The feeling of her inside him, the intensity of it. Anger sparked inside him, was that a part of this? Somehow the idea seemed to make it less real, as if he had been manipulated by her. The thought barely formed when a cheerless voice sighed. “James, do you fault her when her singing makes you smile?” The words startled him and he stared up at the man who was now standing over him. “What has that to do with anything?” “Answer my question,” Gailen insisted. “No, why would I fault that?” “Do you fault her when she can make you laugh, despite yourself?” “No.” “When she knows that you need her and is there for you?” “No.” James was starting to see where the man was going. He’d almost forgotten his thoughts were not his own near Gailen. “Then why fault her when she can reach out to you at the most intimate moment between two people and hold you close in a way others can only dream of? You do not fault her for these other gifts, why this one?” Harrison made a disgusted noise that James and Gailen, chose to ignore. Other questions were filling his mind. Was this why it was so different with Leah? Why she touched him deeper and why the pleasure was more intense with her than it had ever 199
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been? Was this why she had seemed to know how to touch him despite her innocence? Was this why… “Aye, James,” Gailen nodded. “All of that is part of the fey in her. What William’s scientists call her empathy.” He reached out and touched James’ shoulder and smiled a bit wickedly. “And the last, the question you didn’t ask even in your mind. It is why there was no pain. The fey do not punish a lass for what should be only joyful.” “Now I am going to be sick,” Harrison snorted. The green eyes rolled, then fixed on James. But it was William who spoke. “Do you understand now why we have to protect her?” James looked at the heavy man. “I understand why she needs protecting but I don’t see you protecting her. As I see it you harvested her and others like her and are using them.” He turned angry eyes on Gailen. “And for all your talk about protecting your children, I don’t see you stopping this.” “It’s true, I’ve gone along with a great deal,” Gailen spoke slowly, cautiously. “But I’ve managed to save a good many more of my children than would have been saved otherwise. I admit I’ve done a deal with the devil. But is it worse than seeing them dead? What would you sacrifice, James if your children could have been saved?” The words struck him like a blow, he felt them physically. He stared at the emerald eyes and knew the answer was anything. Almost anything. “I’d not have sacrificed their happiness.” “And neither will I,” Gailen said firmly. His face wore an unfamiliar look of determination. “You’ve allowed them to interfere, to hurt Leah not once but twice,” James accused, rising to stand over the man. “No, I allowed it once, because if I hadn’t she’d have suffered a greater hurt.” Gailen looked off past James’ shoulder. “It wasn’t love and that child deserves love.” “I do love Leah.” “I wasn’t talking about you.” James made a rude noise, “How can you know that Jason didn’t love her?” Gailen’s eyes fixed on him. “Because I can.” And he could, James realized. “Then you can know that I do love her. And that she loves me.” Gailen watched him for a long moment. “I know you loved her, you have the potential to love her. But James, what I don’t know is if you do love her. If you still want to be with her now that you know what she is. I don’t know it, because you don’t know it.” The words hit James hard with the force of their truth. He’d been wrapping himself in righteous indignation, cloaking away the uneasiness of the revelations, refusing to allow himself to think too deeply about what they meant. In truth, there had barely been time for him to consider it. He turned away from the intensity of the man’s stare. 200
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Did it make a difference? Yes, it made a difference, he couldn’t lie to himself. Leah was not just Leah any longer. She was something more. The question was did he love her? Love her as he had just an hour ago? No, he hadn’t just stopped loving her. But did he still want what he’d wanted before? He had watched her toward the end, letting his mind wander. He saw them married, the domestic routine between them grew quickly during their assignment and he’d known they’d make a happy home together. More, he saw children. He heard her laugh in a child’s voice. He’d seen himself cuddling a small girl with Leah’s eyes, striding along with a young boy on his shoulders, Leah’s soft brown hair framing the child’s face. Once in the last days he’d dreamed of her holding his son David on her lap, reading to him from an old-fashioned children’s picture book. He’d awoken with a feeling of longing that had less to do with his lost son and more to do with the son he wanted to feel growing inside her. “James,” William spoke with a firmness that had been lacking in his demeanor until now. “I’m sure you understand now, why you could never discuss any of this with others. If anyone found out about it, not only would it damage our ability to help those who need it but it would put the women, our Leahs, at risk.” James nodded. He could imagine a lot of people like Harrison, how Leah would be treated by them if they knew. And they wouldn’t be the worst. “I’d never do anything to hurt Leah.” “Good,” William said his smile returning. “Then I take it we have concluded our little conference.” “Wait.” James looked not at William but at Gailen. “What about Leah? Does she know any of this?” “No.” The small man shook his head. “To her we fey are as much a child’s fairytale as we were to you.” “What about the assignment?” James scanned the men’s faces. “Leah and me?” Regardless of what he decided, he wouldn’t see her hurt. She loved him, no part of him doubted it. He owed her his fidelity. Even if he must struggle to accept her, for all she had given him he owed her. William frowned and Harrison rolled his eyes. “Haven’t you been listening, James?” The life guide shook his head in disbelief. James watched William meet and hold Gailen’s eye. It was as if a battle raged between them that no one could hear or see but them. For more than a minute the two men stared at one another while the room remained silent. Finally, William broke the eye contact. “I will leave that decision to you, Gailen. I prefer she finishes her assignments. Then if James still wants her, he can request reassignment. If she’s willing, it will be granted. That’s less than a year. Less than a year to help us heal three more.” He stood and walked toward the door. “Harrison, walk with me to my office.”
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The life guide looked as if this was the last thing he wanted to do but he followed the portly gentleman out of the door without a backward glance. James found himself alone with Gailen. He waited for the man to speak. “I can’t give you an answer, James,” the man said quietly. “I made a bargain for their lives, a bargain which allows them to help others. It’s something most of them, Leah especially, would have chosen to do. Perhaps not quite in this way but you can’t deny she’d have agreed to help others if she could.” “She would have,” James agreed. “Beyond that even, I can’t give you an answer, because you can’t give me one. Leah’s already made a terrible mistake with you, one I fear will haunt her the rest of her life. But I would only compound her pain if I let her spend that life with you, unless you can love and accept her.” James started to interrupt. “Think on it James.” Gailen’s voice held a hint of anger. “It’s easy to answer in the heat of the moment and say, ‘Aye, I love her and always will. It doesn’t matter.’ But that kind of passion often fades and we are left with the reality, the truth of what we’ve boldly declared and it can sour in our mouths. That’s not new to you.” The dig hit home and James’ mind flew immediately to Nina. He’d told himself emphatically that he loved her. He’d refused to accept any idea but that she too loved him and that they would be happy. “James, she’s an empath. She knows what you feel. It is a gift and a curse. When she accepted you into her heart, into her body, she bonded to you. It’s why she touches you so deeply and why you could never hide it from her. Would you want her to live with you day in and day out knowing you can’t accept her? Knowing you regret your choice? Knowing that you are only with her because you thought you owed it to her? Do you think I’d do that to her?” His heart sank. The man was right. That would kill her. It wasn’t Leah he doubted—it was himself. Was he really the man she needed him to be? He’d failed so many people in his life. He couldn’t bear to think of failing her. “Think on it James.” Gailen opened the door to the office for him as he spoke. “When you decide, let me know.” James shook himself. “How? How do I let you know?” Gailen smiled enigmatically. “I’ll know.” He stepped into the hall and the door closed behind him. James barely noticed the speed of the trolley on the way home. His mind spinning madly as it defied his efforts to sort out the thoughts, he stepped into his residence. The message light flashed on his terminal and he tapped it. A message from Robert. Still no word from Kevin.
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As he stood there, the photograph of himself, Sarah and the children caught his eye. He picked it up. His family. He traced the outline of his wife’s face with his finger, then smoothed it over the forms of his children. He hadn’t known it until the day he first felt Katie move inside her mother but he needed his family. They completed him. Mindlessly, he carried the photo into the bedroom. He stood before the dresser and carefully placed the picture next to the only piece of Leah that had not been stripped from him. The photograph. His eyes moved from Sarah’s beautiful face, to Leah’s, from Sarah’s proud and happy smile, to Leah’s shy and self-deprecating grin. His eyes closed as the pieces fit into place. He knew the truth of himself and he couldn’t hide from it or deny it. He returned to the main room and settled himself at the terminal. He sent the message to Kevin quickly, before he could change his mind or start to second guess himself. Kevin, Contact me. There’s been a change in plans.
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Chapter Twenty-Six She was kicking herself for letting them talk her into this. It wasn’t that she didn’t appreciate that Shay and Hailey wanted to continue their friendship despite what had happened. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to see them. It would be a girl’s luncheon and everyone, including Rebecca and Jena had taken time off especially. “We all want to make sure that you’re okay,” Shay had insisted. “Besides, you can’t tell me you actually like maidel house food.” Leah had to admit it was true. Bland was the order of the day. So she had let herself be talked into meeting them. It wasn’t until she began to notice the direction they were heading her that she balked. “Whoa.” She turned to look at Rebecca beside her. “Where are we going?” “20-20.” It was spoken so casually that Leah wondered for a moment if her friend had forgotten the significance. “I can’t go there.” She turned to look at Shay. “I can’t go to the Red section.” “Why ever not?” The black eyebrows rose over the brown eyes. “Hello, I’m not supposed to go near…” The name stuck in her throat. She couldn’t say it. She wasn’t supposed to go near James for three months. A ban her heart told her would be a lot longer. “Are you trying to get me in trouble?” she accused. “No, we’re meeting Jena at a place we all know and enjoy and that is now close to home for her.” Rebecca’s look made Leah feel guilty. Jena had gotten her new assignment days after her last because it had been a requested one. Caroline’s little rugby player had hit it off with the blonde and with Caroline’s full blessing they had asked for assignment. Up until now both had been the mobile one, shifting from place to place. Now, as he was originally from the region, they had been assigned to a place the Red Section. The small café was now very close to where Jena lived. “I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” Leah muttered under her breath. “Oh stop it,” Shay frowned at her. “You’re not restricted from the Red Section. You are not going to run into him, he’d be at work. Besides, Theo asked about you the other day when we were there.” It was Leah’s turn to lift an eyebrow. “So you’re frequenting there now? Quite a trip to go to a coffee bar.” “We met… Well we met for dinner. Robert likes the music there for some bizarre reason.” Shay looked away from her. “And,” Leah pressed. “And nothing. You know, Leah, you’re not the only one this has been hard on.” Shay gave her a look that seemed almost angry. “You might want to remember that.”
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Leah stared straight ahead. The silence hung heavily around them. She’d known James was not doing well. She didn’t know how but once the shock and numbness had worn off, something in her felt his turmoil. He may have made this decision but it hadn’t been an easy one. He was lonely. She felt it. Normally she had to be near someone for that small voice to talk to her, for her to see or know what was happening. But with James it was different. It wasn’t a clear sense but it was there. He was unhappy. That was one reason she’d decided to give him the puppy. Neither of the women spoke until the next stop when Hailey got on. She sat across from them and seemed excited. Leah asked how she was doing. “Three months and all is well,” she beamed. “I can’t wait, I keep telling Aaron that when I’m fat he’d better still love me and he says I’m being silly. Says of course once I get fat he’ll go out and find a skinnier girl.” Her laugh eased some of the tension but her words, her very condition, made a piece of Leah ache. “What about you Shay,” Hailey pressed. “Have you and Robert decided yet?” “Yes,” the woman said, smiling brightly, “We’ve decided to wait a couple of years. We’re having too much fun just being us. There’s plenty of time for family ahead if we decide we want it.” When Hailey, who seemed to have babies on the brain, turned to Rebecca the woman simply laughed. “I doubt that will happen anytime soon.” This surprised Leah. She knew the woman wanted children and she and Stephen planned to parent together in the future. Talk turned from families and Rebecca and Shay were soon involved in the discussion of ”politics” of the Indigenous Species Nursery. Leah smiled to herself. Who would have known that botanists were such prickly creatures? When they arrived at the stop, the women hurried her forward. Stopping outside the café, Leah read the hand-lettered sign on the door. She pointed to the piece of white board that bore the message, Closed due to family emergency. “Looks like you better go with a second choice, ladies. Sign says they’re closed. I hope nothing’s wrong with Calla or Costas. You did say you just saw Theo a day or two ago?” She turned to look at Shay. At that moment the door opened and Jena’s blonde head peeked out. “Come on in quickly before anyone notices.” She stepped back and Leah found herself swiftly herded into the place. Clearing the door she looked up at Jena. “The sign says they’re closed, what are you doing here?” “They are closed but Theo was just hanging out and when he saw me stop, he opened the door and invited me in. Said he’d make us lunch himself.” Jena didn’t quite meet her eye. “Let’s sit down.” She led them to a table set for five. Only the emergency panels were lit and it was dim except for a couple of small lights that had been placed on the table. The other women slid in place quickly leaving her the chair that put her back to the room. She could feel their tension, feel the undercurrent of excitement among them. Something here was not as it seemed. Leah was about to question the whole thing when she heard Theo’s voice call out. “Everyone is here? Good, good.” He jogged over to the table. He set several glasses
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filled with cool drinks before the women. “Theo remembers,” he winked. “Miss Shay she takes iced tea, lemon, no sugar. Miss Hailey, she want tea so sweet it make you teeth ache.” He grinned at the small woman as he sat the glass in front of her. “Now, Miss Leah, she has no sugar, no lemon and,” he said looking up at Rebecca with a brilliant grin. “What I can get you?” He sauntered away to get Rebecca a drink, when he returned to place it before them, Leah looked up at him suspiciously. “Theo, if the café is closed, why are you serving us?” The young man’s smile twisted wickedly. “Costas is ill, just a little bit ill,” he added hurriedly at Leah’s worried expression. “He is big baby, Calla says. A sneeze, a cough and he is dying.” The blonde head shook with laughter. “So Calla close up shop and tell me to do inventory and to clean today. But that is boring, it makes me feel alone. Then I see a pretty lady look in window and I say, ‘why not’?” He winked at Jena. “And then she tells me I will have not just one pretty lady to serve but five. How can a young man like me resist that?” “And are you selling timeshares with that?” Leah muttered. Theo looked at her sincerely puzzled. Shay waved him away. “Don’t mind her. She’s been a bit grumpy lately.” Theo smiled again and took their orders. “This will take me a while, since I am on my own. But you sit and relax. Theo will take good care of you.” He left them and disappeared into the back. Almost as soon as he left, the music came up in the room. Leah began to relax as the women talked. Jena was filling them in on her new assignment. So far so good it seemed. He’d come to watch her play and she’d been to watch him. Her eyes brightened with pride as she told them he was probably the best player on his team. “Perfect match then as you are without a doubt the star of yours.” Leah grinned at her. “Would you switch teams,” Rebecca asked. “If this works out and you’re living in the Red Section?” “Well, let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves,” Jena cautioned. “But actually, I don’t think I would. I’ve been with the Daemons since the start and some of them were members of the same women’s soccer league I played in during the Before Time. I’m not sure I could just up and leave them for an easier commute.” Leah listened to them chat. It was nice to see her friends, new and old, getting along so well. She wished Caroline could have been there but she had demurred saying she couldn’t take time off as she had too much to do. Leah had worried it was because of Jena and the rugby player but Caroline assured her it was nothing of the sort. But as happy as she was to have these people in her life, she couldn’t bring herself to care about their conversation. She couldn’t find it in her to be happy for Jena and Hailey, to join in the banter between Rebecca and Shay. The undercurrent here and the fact that as their lives seemed to be coming together hers was falling apart, made it impossible.
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She felt Shay stiffen and Hailey was suddenly, nervously clinking the ice in her glass. All of the women were looking down, off to the side, anywhere but straight at her. Then she felt it. The nervousness, the anxiety, the fear all blended with a deep determination, a longing and a want. The next song began to play and the sound of the piano filled the air. At the same time she recognized the song, she heard him behind her. “I didn’t get my dance,” the low voice said softly. “The night of your birthday, I didn’t get my dance.” She turned and found herself looking into the tawny eyes. His right hand was held out to her. She could only stare at him. He reached forward and took her hand. “Please, Leah. Dance with me.” She let him pull her to her feet and lead her away from the others. Far into the back of the room he guided her until they were hidden in the shadows. His hand stole around her waist and he pressed against her, tucking her up under his chin as he began to move with her. She closed her eyes and breathed in the scent of him. He felt so good, his arms strong and warm around her, holding her to him. One hand was stroking her hair while the other held her against his body. The music played around them. The song danced in her ears, the same song he had played for her the day he told her she would marry him, that he wanted her with him always. But he had rejected her. She started to pull away from him and he held her tighter. “Don’t Leah. Let me hold you.” She felt him dip his head and press his face to her hair. She heard his slow, deep intake of breath. “If never again, let me hold you for this one song.” She wrapped her arms around his chest and held him. She didn’t know why he was doing this but for this one song, she’d pretend he was hers again. For this one song, she’d make believe the past ten days had never happened. He moved her gently, turning her, rocking her against him. She could feel the muscles of his back under her fingers. She reached up one hand and stroked the softness of his beard. She heard him groan and his arms tightened again. She tried to fight the confusion in her mind. She could feel how he wanted her, loved her, needed her. But she also felt his fear. He was afraid. Something was pressing on him and it frightened him. Tilting her head back she looked into his eyes. His hand slid down her hair to cup her face. He lowered his lips to hers and kissed her. What started gentle and questioning exploded into something so passionate it felt as if it would burn her. His hand was tangled in her hair, his mouth claiming hers, his tongue a welcome invader. She could feel his need for her. His hands gripped her so powerfully it was as if he were afraid she would disappear. She clung to him, hands clutching his back. He broke from her mouth and leaned her head to one side so he could run his kiss over her neck. A tremor moved through her, his lips always brought such sensations, such pleasure to her skin.
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The song had ended but he continued to hold her, his mouth finding hers again and feasting on her lips as if he was dying of hunger and she was the only thing that could satisfy his need. She pushed back from him, gasping for air. He held her, murmuring softly into her hair. “Don’t go, my love. Don’t leave me.” His words snapped something inside her and anger hotter than any she’d ever known flooded her. She pushed him away hard. “Don’t leave you?” “Leah.” He reached for her but she slapped his hand away. “Don’t leave you?” Her voice rose shrilly. “James I’m not the one who threw this away. I’m not the one who rejected you.” “Leah, listen to me.” James’ voice was insistent and almost pleading. She tried to care, she tried to calm herself but she couldn’t. “Why? Why should I listen to you when all you’ve done is lie to me?” The tears were so close now she felt them pooling on her lashes. “No, Leah. I didn’t lie. I didn’t lie to you. Deep down you know that. I didn’t reject you, Leah.” His face was pale and his eyes echoed the desperation in his voice. She began to shake her head, utter disbelief widening her eyes. “Is it a plot? First Jason and now you? You’re trying to make me think I’m crazy? That I rejected you?” “No, I know you didn’t reject me, Leah listen to me. I have so much to tell you.” James reached for her again. He took her hand and she didn’t stop him as he pulled her back against him. “Oh, darlin’, I didn’t reject you and you didn’t reject me.” He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. She couldn’t find the lie. She listened to him, listened hard. But all she heard was his love, his need to be with her. His sincerity. “James this makes no sense,” she choked out, her face buried against his neck. “If you think you’re confused now, just wait,” he said dryly. He tilted her chin up so she met his eyes. “Leah we have to talk.” His fear overwhelmed what she was hearing from him and she saw him cast a worried look toward the front of the café. They weren’t supposed to be together. They’d get into trouble for this. She probably would have cared a lot less about that were it not for his anxiety and the fact that she really didn’t know exactly what “in trouble” meant. Following his gaze she found that the women were gone. She saw Rebecca and Jena through the window as they gave her one last look, as if to be sure she was okay, before walking away. Theo was quickly clearing away all evidence they had been there. He lifted the plastic tub, grabbed both table lights and left the room. James pulled her farther into the recesses of the darkened room. He pulled out a chair and pushed her down into it. He sat down across from her, his chair pulled up close so that her knees rested against the insides of his thighs. He reached over and took both her hands in his.
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“James,” she stopped him before he could begin. “We can’t be here. They track us, you know that. They monitor us for the three months so that we aren’t near each other.” She gripped his hands tight. “My love, I don’t want you in trouble.” He smiled at her, the boyish grin lighting up his eyes. “Am I your love?” She shook her head, unable to hold back an answering smile. “You know you are. That’s why we can’t do this. I won’t risk you being hurt.” “I’m not going to get hurt.” He held up his right arm and she stared at it blankly. He was trying to tell her something and she didn’t see it. He shook his head and held up both hands. “Notice anything missing?” At first she didn’t see it, then suddenly it registered. His ID band was gone. Both wrists were bare. “James! Where is it? How did you… God, you’ll be in so much trouble.” His smile softened and he placed a hand to her face, cupping her cheek. “I love that you are worried about me. But don’t be. Your friends come in handy sometimes.” “My friends?” “Right now, according to my ID band I am involved in a pet owner’s education session with the indomitable Dr. Caroline Mathers. She is giving me a prolonged lecture on the proper care and feeding of dachshunds. After that, my new friend Kevin will show up and we’ll head over to my place for a couple of beers.” She stared at him in confusion. Caroline and Kevin were helping him do this? “Did Kevin come up with this?” James frowned and looked a bit miffed. “I won’t deny that he figured out the part about removing the ID bands but I’ll have you know this was my idea.” “Why James? What is all this? If you didn’t reject me and I didn’t reject you, then what is going on?” “Leah, I have something I need to tell you. It’s going to sound crazy but you have a right to know,” he began. “I promise, you’re going to think I’ve lost my mind but hear me out.” James launched into a long and convoluted story that started with his being arrested and ended with him contacting Kevin. But it was the middle of his story that made Leah’s head buzz and her mind spin. Several times James had to stop her interrupting and make her hear him out. Finally he came to the end. She couldn’t believe she was hearing this. She wanted to focus on the meaning of the words James had just spoken to her. A piece of her heart was bursting and she wanted to pull him into her arms and never let him go. He wanted her, he wanted to be with her. But the rest of what he said wouldn’t be ignored. She must have missed something, she had to have missed something otherwise this entire tale was absolute insanity. Fey? Leahs? She shook her head trying to clear it. If this wasn’t a joke and from
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the look on his face, James wasn’t joking, then either he’d gone crazy or… No, no way this was truth. Her grandmother’s favorite bedtime story suddenly flitted through her head. Then, one day when she was gathering roots and such for her mother to use, she met a man. He seemed to just appear before her out of the mist like one of the fey. He was a small man with dancing green eyes just like yours. And your great-grandmother, she fell in love on the spot. They married. People whispered about them, how they always seemed to be lucky. But it was on the day she died people say he loosed the magic upon them all. The rain fell and lightning flashed the three days she lay dying. On the night the angels took her from him, a storm blew up like none had ever seen. The wind howled like a wild animal. Those who had kept vigil with their children fled. At the moment she breathed her last, the wind began to tear the house apart. Their children grabbed their own younglings and ran for shelter. When the last of the boards fell into a crumbled heap upon the ground, a flash of lightning illuminated the scene. It struck a tree near the house. In the light from the blaze they watched him, a young man again cradling her, a young woman, in his arms. They say he carried her away into the mist and never returned. She dropped James’ hands and stood up. She turned away from him and stared at the wall. “James, I know you believe this but it’s just not possible. I mean I can believe the Committee would use me. I can believe they would use us all. But this explanation, James?” She felt his hands cup her shoulders and leaned back against the hard chest that was now pressed up behind her. “This is too preposterous for them to think anyone would believe.” “Leah, you didn’t see him.” James’ voice in her ear was tense. He was struggling not to be angry at her disbelief. “I’m telling you, he moved so fast and he knew what I was thinking.” “James, half the time I know what you’re…” Her voice caught in her throat. “Exactly Leah.” His face pressed to the side of her head and his arms wrapped around her. “Exactly.” She shook her head. A piece of her was still rolling its proverbial eyes and insisting it was all stupid. But James seemed so sure. If nothing else, she believed he believed all of this was true. “So this Gailen, he’s not only some sort of preternatural being but he’s also my grandfather.” “Many generations separate us but yes, little one, I am your grandfather.” The small, soft voice came from behind them and she felt James jump and turn quickly. His hands shot out, holding her behind him. From around his shoulder she saw a small man dressed in black standing in the shadowy light. His green eyes seemed like small flames dancing in the dimness. “And you are fey, child. The blood is dominant in you, there is no mistaking the look of one in whom the genes of the fey have surfaced. Not as pretty as we nor the humans but you have hearts and minds that compensate in abundance.” “This is my doing, Gailen,” James spoke. “She’s not at fault here.” The small man nodded and smiled patiently. “I’m not the Committee, James.”
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“Why are you here?” James’ fear was so powerful she could almost taste the adrenalin that was running through his veins. “I told you when you knew, I’d know.” The two men watched each other, one tense and resentful, the other faintly amused. Leah watched the green eyes. They weren’t human that was certain. She stepped out from behind James, who tried to grab her back. “It’s okay.” She touched his hand briefly and moved toward Gailen. She listened hard, trying to find the trick, the lie in what was happening. She stopped, a chill running over her skin. He was silent, absolutely silent. She could hear nothing from him. Gailen laughed softly. “Don’t try that trick on me, missy. I’m way too old to be broadcasting loud enough for the likes of a youngling like you to hear me unless I choose for you to.” Leah stepped up to him. His eyes held hers captive as they danced and shone. There was an energy radiating from him she could feel against her skin. “That’s right, little one, you can feel it. Like calls to like and you can feel the call. ’Tis your blood that knows me.” Gailen’s mouth curled up at one corner. “You’re real. You’re the one my grandmother spoke about, the one who called the storm and carried my great grandmother away.” A faint green glow seemed to surround him. She could see it but not see it. It was there but not there. His face grew sad. “Aye. I carried her home to lay to rest. But there was one mistake in the story your grandmother told. I did come back, Leah.” “You know the story she told?” “All of my children tell a similar story, for it is a true story. It has been passed down. But Leah, I did come back. I’ve been here all this time.” Gailen’s eyes seemed to dim, the glow growing soft. “So what James said is true? You’re fey? You’re my family? There are others like me? Others being used this way?” Leah felt a knot tightening in her stomach. Not the twist of anxiety or the tumult of fear but anger. “Yes. There are several of you here. I made sure as many of you survived as I could. I’ve always watched over my children.” Gailen reached out and touched her face but only for a second. “I know you’re angry child and you’ve a right to be.” “If all this is true, how could you do it?” Leah shook her head in confused hurt. “You let them do this to us? You let them use your own family this way?” She looked down at the floor trying to make sense of the increasingly nonsensical. Part of her could almost believe this was a dream and she’d soon wake from it to the stability and predictability of the maidel house. “You let them use us as if we were…” she struggled to find the words, “nothing, no more than a device, a tool to be used and then thrown away after it had served its purpose? The others, have you let them be robbed of those who cared for them too? Do we all mean so little to you?”
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“Little girl, you need to watch yourself,” Gailen’s jaw twitched and Leah felt the hurt, the regret and even anger clearly. He was no longer shielding himself quite so carefully. “You have no understanding of what I did, of the choices I was forced to make. Would you rather that I had let you die? Do you know how many of you I saved?” “Saved us for what?” Her voice shook. She felt the tears starting to pool up and fought them back. “What did you save us for? To be used in this place and then abandoned into loneliness? What happens after the tenth assignment? I wasn’t given a chance.” She stopped and shook her head again remembering the others. “None of us has been given a chance.” She felt James move close behind her, his hands on her upper arms as she watched the green eyes and felt the overwhelming sense of guilt Gailen no longer tried to hide from her. “Do you still think your deal with the devil was worth it?” James’ low voice sounded close to her ear. The small man looked up at him and she felt the indecision. “Yes,” he said slowly, “I saved my children, James. You understand what it means to be a father, even if she doesn’t.” “No,” Leah tried to soften her voice. “A father doesn’t abandon his own children to their pain for his own grief. A father doesn’t allow others to manipulate and use his children. A father doesn’t barter away his children’s happiness so he can ensure his own bloodline continues. You want to know what a father is? Look at this man,” she turned her head to look at James. He was frightened for her, afraid of what might happen if she angered Gailen. She lifted her hand and covered his where it rested on her shoulder. “He’d have given anything, including his life for his children. He would never have sat by and allowed them to be harmed.” “And that’s what you think I’ve done?” Gailen glared at her, his voice bitter. “Whether you meant it or not, that’s what’s happened. I understand wanting to save us. I even understand that somehow we are helping others but did you give a thought to what would happen if we fell in love or once we had completed our tenth assignment?” Leah wanted to reach out and touch the man’s arm, to offer him comfort and to earn some understanding for herself. Something in him did call to her on a level she didn’t understand, especially now that he was no longer guarding himself from her. “I didn’t think you’d fall in love with them,” he said bluntly. “Feel sorry for them yes, but I never believed you’d be fool enough to love one of them. And to be quite honest, my dear, I didn’t believe any of them could love you. In my time I’ve not exactly seen the best of human males.” James’ angry reaction almost pushed away the sincerity she felt from Gailen. She was angry, she wanted to hate him yet she couldn’t. In an odd and incomprehensible way he did love them and care for them. She couldn’t find it in herself to hate him. And he knew it. The moment she realized it, he smiled softly. “I never meant any of you to
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be hurt, Leah. I’m fey. I’m not a god. I have no powers to predict the future or to control how others behave.” A sound from the front of the café turned their attention in unison. James acted first, by again pushing Leah behind him as a short heavyset man opened the door and entered, followed by two large liaison officers. As they cleared the door, Leah’s heart dropped. A third officer entered, a woman with her hand clasped tightly around the biceps of a man with long auburn hair. Kevin looked at James and shrugged. “Guess removing the ID bands wasn’t so brilliant after all. Turns out they were watching us. Figured we’d be up to something. Sorry.” “Doesn’t look like I’m winning any prizes for genius at the moment.” James inclined his head to Gailen. “Well, Gailen, I see you have arrived before me,” said the portly man as he smiled broadly, stretching his large jowls. “My dear, I don’t believe we’ve met, you may call me William.” He extended his hand to her and Leah took it more from force of habit than any desire to be acquainted with the man. “Ask him ‘William what’ and watch him tap dance his way around it,” Kevin said insolently. “It’s quite impressive.” William threw him an amused look but one of the officers growled for him to shut up. “You know, Cujo, you’re starting to make me angry.” Kevin smiled lazily. “And trust me, you won’t like me when I’m angry.” “At least he didn’t cuff you,” James snorted. The big man glared at James and muttered under his breath about no one respecting authority. This made William chuckle and Leah felt the distinct sense of pleasure that radiated from the female officer at the other man’s irritation. “Well, if this is the part in the movie where the hapless, computer geek sidekick gets taken out so the hero can escape with the heroine, I’d just as soon we skipped it,” Kevin said as he rolled his eyes. Leah knew he wasn’t feeling nearly as cavalier as he was acting but that was Kevin. “I think I may have to order a review of the movies being shown on the entertainment net.” William lifted an eyebrow. “The ideas some of you get.” He shook his head as he turned to face Gailen. “I take it you have had sufficient time to resolve this matter.” “I have.” Gailen’s voice was soft and calm. His shielding was back and Leah had no idea what he was thinking. “That’s news to us. As far as I can tell nothing’s been resolved.” James stared angrily at the man. Leah placed her hand on his arm, willing him to calm down. William’s eyes widened in surprise. “No? Well, exactly what is it you feel is left to clarify? As far as we are concerned this is all over. You will go back to your lives, all of
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you and no one will speak about this. There will be no punishments meted out as long as you remain silent.” “Do you for one minute believe I care about how you may punish me?” Leah stared at him in disbelief. “What more can you do? Lock me up? Reassign me to some meaningless, labor intensive job? Do you really think that compared to losing this man any of that means anything?” William’s face was void of expression but his voice was stern. “My dear, romantic sensibilities are easily expressed but the realities of confinement and other consequences that would be forthcoming are not so easily endured.” “This isn’t going to happen. We are not doing this your way.” James stepped toward the man and Leah saw the hands of the two male officers drop to the black boxes on their belts. “James,” she warned. “No,” he looked at her and the determination in his eyes both frightened and thrilled her. “Yesterday, after they told me, I came home and I just stood there, Leah. I stood there looking at the photo of Sarah and the children and the one of us. I realized that nothing anyone had said had changed the fact that I love you and that I want a life with you. I know myself, Leah. I know that I am defined in part by my family and when I lost them I lost myself. But as I looked at your faces, all of your faces, I realized that now, love, you are my family.” He reached out to brush her hair back from her face. “I won’t lose it again. Last time I couldn’t stop it but I won’t let it happen again. There is no way in hell I’m going to let someone take my family from me this time.” “While that’s all very touching, Mr. Edwards, you seem to be under the mistaken impression you have a say in this. I assure you, you don’t.” William’s gaze had grown hard. “No but I do,” Gailen’s high voice rang out as clearly as if he had shouted, though it had been barely more than a whisper. The bald man’s head twisted to look at the fey. Gailen’s eyes were shining brightly and he held Leah’s gaze for a moment, letting his guard slip long enough for her to feel his reassurance and absolute certainty that everything would be all right. Then he turned and met the blue stare. “I suggest you and I have a brief discussion in private, William.” Gailen moved to the front of the room and the other man followed. William’s angry voice could be heard, though his words could not. When Gailen spoke it was in a tone so low it did not carry to her ears. Finally the men seemed to stop talking and just stand staring at each other. Then William turned away and called to the liaison officers who followed him out the door, leaving Kevin behind. Leah felt James’ excitement rising with hers. Gailen had obviously won but exactly what he had won she didn’t know. She tried to keep her hopes from getting carried away. Nothing ever quite worked out perfectly and she shouldn’t expect it. And when Gailen seemed to ignore them and approach Kevin, her heart fluttered.
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“Give me your portable terminal.” Gailen held out his hand and Kevin hesitantly pulled his oversized data reader out of his jacket pocket and reluctantly handed it over. Gailen’s fingers flew quickly over the touch screen. He approached James and held it out to him. “Enter your code.” James took the black box and did as he was told. “Now select yes.” James’ finger pressed the location of the icon on the screen. Gailen took it from him and after a few more taps handed it to her. The login screen for her life guide file was up. “Enter your code, Leah.” She took it from him and paused before she pressed in the number sequence. “What is this? What are you doing?” “I’m being a father, now put in your code, missy,” he grinned at her, “or there will be no dessert for you.” She shook her head. She didn’t trust him but he did seem to be on their side in this, if a bit late. She pressed in her code. The words Do you want to submit this request? appeared on the screen. “Press yes, Leah,” Gailen said patiently. She did and handed the device back to him. He continued to enter data into the portable before finally handing it back to Kevin. “And if I can have James’ ID band?” Kevin handed it over to him and Gailen replaced it on James’ right wrist. “There, that settles that.” He stepped back and a slow smile spread on his face. “That settles what?” James stared at him incredulously. “You and Leah just requested assignment to each other. It has been approved and Leah will get her residence pass tomorrow.” The green eyes held a smug self-satisfied look. “It’s that easy?” Leah couldn’t believe this. Nothing was ever this easy. “No,” Gailen replied, growing serious. “There are some conditions that I agreed to on your behalf.” “Like what?” James’ eyes narrowed in suspicion. “Silence,” Gailen answered, turning his gaze to Kevin. “From all of you. I take it I was correct in that the true nature of things has not passed beyond you and Leah?” James nodded and Gailen turned to Kevin as if seeking confirmation. “I have no idea what the hell you told him yesterday only that it fired him up and he insisted we had to act today,” Kevin lifted his hands, palms up and shrugged. “Good,” Gailen turned his attention back to her. “The price is silence from the three of you and your informant.” He stared pointedly at Kevin. “The Committee still does not know where your information came from so she’s safe as long as she doesn’t say anything. Especially to that toad of a life partner of hers.” He turned his attention back to James and Leah. “No one can know what happened here, my role or that I exist at all. The story you’ll have to live with is that James did reject you, saw the error of his ways and begged for a second chance which you
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graciously granted. You contacted your life guides, requested assignment and it was granted.” Leah expected James to argue but he didn’t. Instead he asked, “So it’s done, Gailen? It’s official. You’re not going to come in tomorrow or the next day and turn things upside down again?” “No more meddling.” The small man smiled. “You still have to follow all the rules, you can apply for permanent status anytime and there will be no interference from the Committee now or when you decide to start a family.” Leah flushed, then paled as reality sank in. “This is real? James and I… It’s real?” Gailen pressed a palm to her cheek. “It’s real little one. Mab knows I don’t know why you’d want him but he’s all yours.” Leah turned to look at James. His eyes were shining as he met her gaze, his smile growing wider, spreading across his face. “Leah?” he whispered. She threw her arms around his neck and held him. His arms enfolded her and she felt as if his embrace would force the air from her lungs he held her so tightly. She prayed he would never let go. She lifted her head as his lowered to claim her mouth. He was hers. She was his. Finally they could be what she had wanted. James and Leah. “Good God, can we get them that resident pass now, this is going to get ugly.” Kevin snorted. “Shut up cyber boy,” James growled over her head making Kevin chuckle. Leah stopped as an unpleasant thought filled her. “Gailen, what about the others?” “Don’t worry, Leah,” he assured her. “What happened to you won’t happen to them. They’ll still be assigned, they’ll still be used to help others but I promise you I won’t allow the Committee to interfere again.” Seeing her frown he added, “It’s the best I can do, Leah. Go and be happy.” Sadly she conceded. It seemed unfair but if there was nothing Gailen could do, there was certainly nothing she could do. At least not right now. Maybe someday she’d figure something out. She laid her head on James’ shoulder as he held her tightly. Pulling back he kissed her lightly then pressed his forehead to hers. “I love you,” his voice was barely a sound and meant for her ears only. She hugged him again, pressing her lips to his neck. “I love you.” James stepped back and reached for her hand. “Let’s go home.”
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Epilogue
One year later He stood in the doorway watching her. She was sitting on the side of the bed, holding a yellowing and creased piece of paper in her hand. The smile on her face was the one he couldn’t resist. There was something about the shy, vulnerable look of her as she sat there in her nightgown, teeth catching her bottom lip, that made him want to pull her into his arms and kiss her until she was breathless. “Don’t you ever get tired of reading that old thing?” James crossed the room and lifted the letter from Leah’s hands. Her green eyes danced as she looked up at him, the shy smile being replaced by one more in keeping with her playful mood of late. “Never. But I like it better when you read it to me.” He groaned in mock protest and scooped two indignant dachshunds off the bed before climbing on behind her. He stretched out on his side, leaning up on one elbow. She swung her legs around and slipped them under the blankets. “Come on James, read it to me,” she snuggled close to him, the hard roundness of her stomach pushing against him. He reached down and stroked the growing mound. He smoothed his hand over the slight lump that he was sure was his son’s head. As he moved across her abdomen, he felt the quickening in her as the child kicked out at him. He saw the fabric of her gown bounce in response and a low chuckle escaped his lips. He’d not felt this happy in a very long time. Looking up at Leah’s face he marveled at how she had changed in his eyes. She looked no different than she had that first day, except for the growing evidence of her pregnancy. Yet James couldn’t for the life of him remember why he hadn’t found her beautiful. Those green eyes, the soft full mouth, the sweet way she spoke, the gentle yet strong touch of her hands, how could he not have seen it? And now, swollen with the life of their family, she was even more beautiful. He lowered his head and she welcomed his mouth. Her kiss tasted sweet. Her tongue met his and joined it in a wet velvety dance. He moaned against her lips and twisted his fingers in her hair. She moved her hand down his bare chest and the sensation made his need for her blaze to life. She was more than he believed he’d ever deserve, more than he’d dreamed he would find. She was his wife. She was his Leah. She moved away from his lips. “Read it, James,” she whispered as she pressed her face to his neck. “Well, when you ask so nicely, how can I resist?” He drew a deep breath to steady his breathing. Then he unfolded the paper and read the words he had written over a year ago.
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My darling Leah, I’ve never been good at words but I can’t let this moment pass without telling you how much I love you and need you. You’ve been more than my partner in all of this, darlin’, you’ve been my salvation. I was dying when you came into my life. Slowly, bit by bit and wishing each and every day for that death to come faster. I hated myself and my life. But now, because of you, though I still want tomorrow to hurry, now I want it to arrive because it means one more day I will spend by your side. One more day I will hear your laughter. One more day I will see the beauty of your eyes. One more day I will feel the softness of your lips. You’ve given me back my life, Leah and I love you for that. I love you because you found something in me that you could love. But mostly, I love you because I do. No reason, no explanation. I simply love you. I am ever yours, James.
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About the Author Jacqueline Roth is by passion and profession a teacher of writing, reading and literature to middle school students. A writer since childhood, she has had essays appear in niche publications and spent time as a freelance writer doing book reviews and author interviews. Fantasy is a weakness she embraces and she confesses to a fascination with Were-creatures, Arthurian legend, Greek/Roman/Celtic mythos, and Gothic literature. Roth currently resides in Atlanta, GA, where she finds the human component of her family seriously outnumbered by canine and avian members. Jacqueline welcomes comments from readers. You can find her website and email address on her author bio page at www.cerridwenpress.com.
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Cerridwen, the Celtic goddess of wisdom, was the muse who brought inspiration to storytellers and those in the creative arts. Cerridwen Press encompasses the best and most innovative stories in all genres of today’s fiction. Visit our site and discover the newest titles by talented authors who still get inspired—much like the ancient storytellers did, once upon a time.
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